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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/27079-8.txt b/27079-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cda7f0c --- /dev/null +++ b/27079-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13038 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jonah and Co., by Dornford Yates + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jonah and Co. + +Author: Dornford Yates + +Release Date: January 9, 2009 [EBook #27079] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JONAH AND CO. *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + +JONAH AND CO. + + +BY + +DORNFORD YATES + + + + +WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED + +LONDON AND MELBOURNE + + + + +LIBRARY EDITIONS OF "JONAH AND CO." + + + First Published September 1922 + Reprinted 2,000 October 1922 + Reprinted 2,000 October 1923 + Reprinted 2,000 September 1924 + Reprinted 2,000 May 1925 + Reprinted 3,000 February 1926 + Reprinted 12,000 June 1927 + Reprinted 8,000 March 1928 + Reprinted 5,000 August 1929 + Reprinted 10,000 August 1930 + Reprinted 10,000 February 1933 + Reprinted 8,000 December 1935 + Reprinted 8,000 March 1939 + Reprinted 5,000 February 1942 + Reprinted 9,000 December 1943 + + + + BOOK + PRODUCTION + WAR ECONOMY + STANDARD + + THE TYPOGRAPHY OF THIS BOOK + CONFORMS TO THE + AUTHORIZED ECONOMY STANDARD. + + + +MADE IN ENGLAND + +Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and London + + + + +To + +ELM TREE ROAD + + +_MY LADY,_ + +_It is hard, sitting here, to believe that, if I would call for a cab, +I could be in St. James's Street in less than ten minutes of time. +Nevertheless, it is true. I have proved it so many times. Soon I +shall prove it for the last time._ + +_Better men than I will sit in this study and pace the lawn in the +garden with the high walls. The lilies and laburnums and all the gay +fellowship of flowers will find a new waterman. The thrushes and +blackbirds and wood-pigeons will find a new victualler. The private +forecourt, so richly hung with creeper, will give back my footfalls no +more. Other eyes will dwell gratefully upon the sweet pretty house and +look proudly out of its leaded window-panes._ + +_The old order changeth, my lady. And so I am going, before I am +driven out._ + +_Nine years ago there was a farm upon the opposite side of the road--a +little old English farm. Going out of my door of a morning, I used to +meet ducks and geese that were taking the air. And horses came home at +even, and cows lowed. Now the farm is gone, and a garage has taken its +room. And other changes have come, and others still are coming._ + +_So, you see, my lady, it is high time I was gone._ + +_This quiet study has seen the making of my books. This--the last it +will see--I make bold to offer to you for many reasons, but mainly +because, for one thing, this house belongs to you and, for another, no +hostess was ever so charming to the stranger within her gates._ + +_I have the honour to be,_ + + _Your ladyship's humble servant, + DORNFORD YATES._ + +_Number Six._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAP. + + I HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH + CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST SERVED + + II HOW THREE WAGERS WERE MADE, AND ADÈLE + KILLED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE + + III HOW A GOLDEN CALF WAS SET UP, AND NOBBY + SHOWED HIMSELF A TRUE PROPHET + + IV HOW BERRY MADE AN ENGAGEMENT, JILL A PICTURE, + AND ADÈLE A SLIP OF SOME IMPORTANCE + + V HOW LOVE CAME TO JILL, HERBERT TO THE RESCUE, + AND A YOUNG MAN BY HIS RIGHT + + VI HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE + DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HIS TROTH + + VII HOW DAPHNE LOST HER BEDFELLOW, AND THE LINE + OF LEAST RESISTANCE PROVED IRRESISTIBLE + + VIII HOW ADÈLE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME WHICH + HAD NO SMELL, AND I CUT EULALIE DEAD + + IX HOW JONAH TOOK OFF HIS COAT, AND BERRY + FLIRTED WITH FORTUNE FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH + + X HOW BERRY SOUGHT COMFORT IN VAIN, AND NOBBY + SLEPT UPON A QUEEN'S BED + + XI HOW BERRY PUT OFF HIS MANHOOD, AND ADÈLE + SHOWED A FAIR PAIR OF HEELS + + XII HOW A TELEGRAM CAME FOR JILL, PIERS DEMANDED + HIS SWEETHEART, AND I DROVE AFTER MY WIFE + + + + + _All the characters in this story are imaginary and have + no reference to any living person._ + + + + +JONAH AND CO. + + +CHAPTER I + +HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST +SERVED. + +"Shall I massage it?" said Berry. The suggestion was loudly condemned. + +"Right," replied my brother-in-law. "That reduces us to faith-healing. +On the command 'One,' make your mind a blank--that shouldn't be +difficult--realise that the agony you aren't suffering is imaginary, +and close both legs. One! On the command 'Two'----" + +"You can go," I said wearily. "You can go. I'll write to you when I +want you. Don't bother to leave your address." + +"But how vulgar," said Berry. "How very vulgar." He paused to glance +at his watch. "Dear me! Half-past ten, and I haven't had my beer +yet." He stepped to the door. "Should the pain become excruciating, +turn upon the stomach and repeat Kipling's 'If.' Should----" + +My sister and Jill fairly bundled him out of the doorway. + +Sitting by my side upon the bed, Adèle laid her cheek against mine. + +"Is it any better, old chap?" + +"The pain's practically stopped," said I, "thank Heaven. Putting it +up's done that. But I'm in for a stiff leg, dear. I know that. Not +that that matters really, but it means I can't drive." + +It was unfortunate that, before I had been upon French soil for half an +hour, I should be kicked by a testy cab-horse of whose existence--much +less proximity--thanks to the poor lighting of Boulogne, I had been +totally unaware. I had been kicked upon the same knee in 1916. On +that occasion I had gone with a stiff leg for a fortnight. It seemed +unpleasantly probable that history would wholly repeat itself. + +"I can travel," I continued. "I shall be able to walk with a stick, +but I shan't be able to drive. And, as Jonah can't drive more than one +car at a time, Berry'll have to take the other." + +At my words Daphne started, and Jill gave a little cry. + +"B-but, Boy, he's only had three lessons." + +"I know, but he'll get through somehow. I'll sit by his side. It'll +shorten my life, of course, but what else can we do? Even if Fitch was +here, there's no room for a chauffeur. And you'd find towing tedious +after the first five hundred miles." + +With a white forefinger to her lips, my sister regarded me. + +"I know he's a disgrace," she said slowly, "but he's--he's the only +husband I've got, Boy, and--he has his points," she concluded softly +with the tenderest smile. + +I stretched out a hand and drew her towards me. + +"Isn't he my only brother, darling? Isn't he--Berry? I'll see he +comes to no harm." + +"You really think it's safe?" + +"Perfectly. For one thing, I shall be able to reach the hand-brake +rather more easily than he will...." + +My sister kissed me. + +"I like the sound of that," she said cheerfully. + +It was the fifth day of November, and all six of us were for the +Pyrenees. + +A month ago Adèle and I, new-wed, had visited Pau. We had found the +place good, conceived the idea of spending the winter there, and wired +for instructions. Within three days we had received four letters. + +The first was from Jill. + + +_ADÈLE DARLING,_ + +_How sweet of you both to think of it! We're all simply thrilled. Try +and get one with a palm-tree and some wistaria. We miss you awfully. +Tell Boy Nobby is splendid and sends his love. Oh, and he smells his +coat every day. Isn't it pathetic P My hair won't go like yours, but +I'm going to try again. All our love to you and your HUSBAND,_ + +_JILL._ + + +Then came Jonah's. + + +_DEAR BOY,_ + +_What about tobacco? You might examine the chances of smuggling. I'm +sending you a hundred cigarettes conspicuously labelled BENGER'S FOOD, +to see what happens. I suppose the roads are pretty bad. What about +fishing?_ + + _Yours, + JONAH._ + + +(I subsequently received a curt communication to the effect that there +was a package, addressed to me and purporting to contain "Farine," +lying at the local custom-house. Adèle was horrified. I endeavoured +to reassure her, tore up the notice, and cursed my cousin savagely. +When three days had passed, and I was still at liberty, Adèle plucked +up heart, but, for the rest of our visit, upon sight of a gendarme she +was apt to become distrait and lose the thread of her discourse.) + +A letter from Daphne had arrived the next day. + + +_DEAREST ADÈLE,_ + +_We're all delighted with the idea._ + +_I don't think six months would be too long. I agree that a villa +would be much the best, and we're perfectly content to leave the +selection to you. You know what room we must have. I suppose two +bathrooms would be too much to expect. About servants: we can bring +some, but I think we ought to have a French cook to do the marketing, +and perhaps one other to keep her company and help in the kitchen and +house. Will you see what you can do? Plate and linen, of course, we +can bring. By the way, Madge Willoughby tells me that last year in +France they had some difficulty about coal; so tell Boy to see if he +can order some now. All this, of course, if you can get a villa._ + + _Your loving sister, + DAPHNE._ + + +Berry's came last. + + +_DEAR BROTHER,_ + +_So we shall ourselves winter this year at Pau?_ Eh bien! _There are, +perhaps, worse places. At least, the sun will shine. Ma foi, to think +that upon you depend all the arrangements._ Tant pis! _My suite must +face itself south and adjoin the bathroom. Otherwise I cannot answer +for my health, or, for the matter of that, yours either._ + +_Kindly omit from your next letter any reference to the mountains. +"Impressions of the Pyrenees" by a fool who has been married for less +than three weeks not only are valueless, but make my gorge rise--_une +élévation très dangereuse. + +_Which brings me to your wife. How is the shrew? Tell her I have some +socks for her to darn on her return._ + +_It was thoughtful of you to emphasise the fact that the season of +green figs, to a surfeit of which I sincerely hope you will succumb, +will be over before I reach Pau. I am inclined to think that the five +hundred cigars George sent you will be over even earlier. Besides, I +shall at once console and distend myself with_ foie gras. + +_We must have a French cook, of course--a very priestess of +Gluttony--skilful to lure the timid appetite from the fastness of +satiety._ Enfin.... + +_I ask myself why I shall have made the trouble to write to you. You +have, of course, an opportunity unique of making a mess with a copper +bottom of my life for six months._ Mais, mon Dieu, que vous serez puni! + +Je t'embrasse, vieil haricot, sur les deux joues. + + _BERRY_ + +_P.S.--This here letter is a talisman, and should be worn upon the +exterior of the abdominal wall during a drought._ + + +Considering the nature of our holiday, Adèle and I did not do so badly. +Before we left Pau, I had signed the lease of an attractive villa, +standing well in its own grounds and commanding a prospect of the +mountains as fine as could be. Adèle had engaged a Frenchwoman and her +daughter, both of whom were well spoken of, and had been in the service +of English and American families before the War. A supply of fuel had +been reserved and various minor arrangements had been concluded. Ere +we were back at White Ladies, October was old. + +It had been Jonah's belated suggestion that our migration should be +accomplished by car. It was Jonah's enterprise that reduced the +upheaval of our plans, consequent upon the instant adoption of his +idea, to order and convenience. By the third of November everything +had been arranged. The heavier stuff had been embarked for Bordeaux; +the servants were ready to accompany the rest of the luggage by way of +Paris; the Rolls had been sold. In the latter's place we had purchased +two smaller cars--both new, both of the same make, both coupés, both +painted blue. Indeed, but for their numbers, which were consecutive, +we could not have told them apart. Each seated three +inside--comfortably, while a respectable quantity of baggage could be +easily bestowed in each of the capacious boots. + +Certainly my cousin's staff work had been superb. + +In the circumstances it seemed hardly fair that upon this, the first +night of our venture, he should be faced with the labour of shepherding +both cars, single-handed, first clear of the Customs, and then, one by +one, through the cold, dark streets which led from the quay to the +garage of the hotel. + +As if she had read my thought-- + +"Poor Jonah!" said Adèle suddenly. "I wonder----" + +A knock upon the door interrupted her. + +This, being opened, admitted Nobby, two porters, our luggage, two +waiters, a large dish of sandwiches, some beer, coffee and its +accessories, Jonah, and finally Berry. + +"You must be tired," said the latter. "Let's sit down, shall I?" He +sank into a chair. "And how's the comic _patella_? I well remember, +when I was in Plumbago, a somewhat similar accident. A large +cherry-coloured _gibus_, on its wrong side----" + +"At the present moment," said I, wrestling with the Sealyham's +advances, "we're more concerned with your future than with your past. +It's the Bank of England to a ha'p'orth of figs that to-morrow morning +I shall have a stiff leg. Very good." I paused. "Those three lessons +you've had," I added carelessly, "will come in useful." + +Jonah, who was filling a tumbler, started violently and spilled some +beer. Then he leaned against the wall and began to laugh helplessly. + +Coldly Berry regarded him. + +"I fail," he said stiffly, "to see the point of your mirth. I gather +that it is proposed to enjoy my services for the propulsion of one of +the automobiles--that, while you will be responsible for the 'shoving' +of Ping, these delicate hands will flick Pong across France. Very +good. Let the Press be informed; call forth the ballad-mongers. What +would have been a somewhat sordid drive will become a winged flight, +sublime and deathless." + +"I trust so," said Jonah. "Six hundred miles with a fool at the wheel +is a tall order, but, if your companions survive the first two days, +they ought to pull through. Try not to do more than five pounds' worth +of damage to the gallon, won't you?" + +"Sour grapes," said Berry. "The professional reviles the distinguished +amateur." + +"Seriously," said I, "it's no laughing matter." + +"I agree," said Daphne. "You'll have to just crawl along all the way. +After all, we've got six months to get there in. Promise me you won't +try and pass anything." + +"I promise," replied her husband. "Should another vehicle approach, +I'll stop the engine and go and hide in a wood till it's gone." + +"Fool," said his wife. "I meant 'overtake anything' of course. You +know I did. Promise you won't try and rush past things just to get in +front of them." + +I took up the cudgels. + +"We've got to get along, darling, and he can't give a promise like +that. You wouldn't want to do fifty miles behind a traction-engine, +would you? Remember, I shall be by his side. He may be holding the +wheel, but I shall be driving the car. Make him promise to obey me +implicitly, if you like." + +"That's right," said Jill. "You will, won't you, Berry?" + +The latter looked at Adèle. + +"Do you also subscribe to my humiliation?" he said. + +Adèle smiled and nodded. + +"Unquestionably," she said. "By the time you get to Pau, you'll be an +expert. And then you can teach me." + +"The pill-gilder," said my brother-in-law. "Well, well. So far as in +me lies, I'll do as I'm told. But I insist upon plain English. I'm +not going to be suddenly yelled at to 'double-clutch,' or 'feel the +brake,' or 'close the throttle,' or something. It makes me want to +burst into tears. That fellow who was teaching me asked me, without +any warning and in the middle of some sheep, what I should do if one of +my 'big ends were to run out.' I said I should consult a specialist, +but the question upset me. Indirectly, it also upset the shepherd.... +Which reminds me, I never knew a human being could jump so far. The +moment he felt the radiator...." + +"You never told us this," said Daphne reproachfully. "If I'd known +you'd knocked somebody down----" + +"I never knocked him down," said Berry. "I tell you he jumped.... We +stopped, of course, and explained. He was a little nettled at first, +but we parted on the best of terms." + +"It's all very well," said my sister, "but I'd no idea----" + +"Every dog must have his bite," said I, laughing. "He won't do it +again. And now, since I'm tethered, will somebody give me some beer?" + +Then and there supper was consumed. + +A vigorous discussion of the turn events had taken, and the advancement +and scrutiny of a variety of high speculations regarding the probable +style of our progress to Pau, prevailed until past twelve o'clock, but +at length the others were evicted, and Adèle, Nobby, and I were able to +prepare for the night. + +Out of the luxurious silence of a hot bath Adèle's voice came floating +into the bedroom. + +"Boy!" + +"Yes, lady?" + +"I wish I was going with you to-morrow instead of Daphne." + +"So do I," I said heartily. + +Adèle sighed. Then-- + +"It can't be helped," she said. "I think, on the whole, she would have +worried more than I shall." + +"Not a doubt of it," said I cheerfully. "As she said, Berry's the only +husband she's got." + +Adèle choked. Presently-- + +"The real reason," she said, "is because she mistrusts her husband even +more than I trust mine." + +When I had worked this out-- + +"Aha," I said pleasedly. + +"But then, of course," said Adèle, "she's been married much longer." + + * * * * * + +With Rouen as our objective, we left Boulogne the next morning at ten +o'clock. To speak more accurately, we left the hotel at ten o'clock +and Boulogne itself some forty minutes later. The negotiation of an +up-gradient leading out of the town was responsible for the delay. + +My sister and I shall remember that hill so long as we live. So, I +imagine, will Berry. We were half-way up when he stopped the engine +for the first time. We were still half-way up when he stopped it for +the eighth time. Indeed, it was at this juncture that I suggested that +he should rest from his labours and smoke a cigarette. + +My brother-in-law shook his head. + +"Shall I slide down backwards and begin again?" he inquired. + +"No, thanks," said I. "I have a foolish preference for facing death." + +"D'you think we could push it up?" said Daphne. + +"Frankly," said I, "I don't. You see, she weighs over a ton without +the luggage." + +Berry cleared his throat. + +"I am not," he said, "going through the farce of asking what I do +wrong, because I know the answer. It's not the right one, but you seem +incapable of giving any other." + +"I am," said I. + +"Well, don't say it," said Berry, "because, if you do, I shall scream. +No man born of woman could let in that clutch more slowly, and yet you +say it's too fast. The truth is, there's something wrong with the car." + +"There soon will be," I retorted. "The starter will fail. Then every +time you stop the engine you'll have to get out and crank. That'll +make you think." + +"'Make me think'?" yelled Berry. "D'you think I haven't been thinking? +D'you think I'm not thinking now? Haven't I almost burst my brains +with thinking?" Daphne began to laugh helplessly. "That's right," +added her husband savagely. "See the humorous side. I may go mad any +minute, but don't let that stop you." And, with that, he set his foot +upon the self-starter. + +When he had stopped the engine another three times, he applied the +hand-brake with unnecessary violence, sank back in his seat, and folded +his hands. + +My sister and I clung to one another in an agony of stifled mirth. + +Berry closed his eyes. + +"My work," he said quietly, "is over. I now see that it is ordained +that we shall not leave this spot. There's probably an angel in the +way with a drawn sword, and the car sees it, although we can't. Any +way, I'm not going to fight against Fate. And now don't speak to me. +I'm going to dwell on bullock-carts and goat-chaises and other +horse-drawn vehicles. I shan't last many minutes, and I should like to +die in peace." + +With a swift rush, Ping drew up alongside. From its interior Adèle, +Jill, Nobby and Jonah peered at us excitedly. + +"Hullo!" said the latter. "What's up?" + +"Go away," said Berry. "Drive on to your doom. An apparition has +appeared to us, warning us not to proceed. It was quite definite about +it. Good-bye." + +"Jonah, old chap," said I, "I'm afraid you're for it. Unless you take +us up, we shall be here till nightfall." + +With a groan my cousin opened his door and descended into the road.... + +One minute later we were at the top of the hill. + +"And now," said Daphne, with the _Michelin Guide_ open upon her knees, +"now for Montreuil." + +When five minutes had passed and my brother-in-law was breathing +through his nose less audibly, I lighted a cigarette and ventured to +look about me. + +It was certainly a fine highway that we were using. Broad, direct, +smooth beyond all expectation, it lay like a clean-cut sash upon the +countryside, rippling away into the distance as though it were indeed +that long, long lane that hath no turning. Presently a curve would +come to save the face of the proverb, but the bends were few in number, +and, as a general rule, did little more than switch the road a point or +two to east or west, as, the mood took them. There was little traffic, +and the surface was dry. + +Something had been said about the two cars keeping together, but I was +not surprised when Jonah passed us like a whirlwind before we were +half-way to Samer. He explained afterwards that he had stuck it as +long as he could, but that to hold a car down to twenty on a road like +a private racing-track was worse than "pulling." + +Fired by Jonah's example, Berry laid hold of the wheel, and we took the +next hill at twenty-five. + +It was a brilliant day, but the cold was intense, and I think we were +all glad that Pong was a closeable car. That Winter's reign had begun +was most apparent. There was a bleak look upon the country's face: +birch-rods that had been poplars made us gaunt avenues: here and there +the cold jewellery of frost was sparkling. I fell to wondering how far +south we must go to find it warmer. + +Presently we came to Montreuil. + +As we entered the little town-- + +"This," said I, "was the headquarters of the British Expeditionary +Force. From behind these walls----" + +"Don't talk," said Daphne, "or I shall make a mistake. Round to the +left here. Wait a minute. No, that's right. And straight on. What a +blessing this _Michelin Guide_ is! Not too fast, Berry. Straight on. +This ought to be _Grande Rue_." She peered out of the window. "Yes, +that's right. Now, in a minute you turn to the left...." + +After all, I reflected, we had to get to Rouen, and it was past mid-day. + +We had sworn not to lunch before we had passed Abbeville, so, since we +had breakfasted betimes, I furtively encouraged my brother-in-law to +"put her along." His response was to overtake and pass a lorry upon +the wrong side, drive an unsuspecting bicyclist into a ditch and +swerve, like a drunken sea-gull, to avoid a dead fowl. As we were +going over forty it was all over before we knew where we were, but the +impression of impending death was vivid and lasting, and nearly a +minute had elapsed before I could trust my voice. + +"Are we still alive?" breathed Daphne. "I'm afraid to open my eyes." + +"I think we must be," said I. "At least, I'm still thirsty, if that's +anything to go by." + +"I consider," said Berry, "that the way in which I extricated us from +that _impasse_ was little short of masterly. That cyclist ought to +remember me in his prayers." + +"I don't want to discourage you," I said grimly, "but I shouldn't bank +on it." + +The plan of Abbeville, printed in the Guide, was as simple to read as +were my sister's directions to follow. At a critical moment, however, +Berry felt unable to turn to the right. + +"The trouble is," he explained, as we plunged into a maze of back +streets, "I've only got two hands and feet. To have got round that +corner, I should have had to take out the clutch, go into third, +release the brake, put out a hand, accelerate, sound the clarion and +put the wheel over simultaneously. Now, with seven limbs I could have +done it. With eight, I could also have scratched myself--an operation, +I may say, which can be no longer postponed." He drew up before a +_charcuterie_ and mopped his face. "What a beautiful bunch of +sausages!" he added. "Shall we get some? Or d'you think they'd be +dead before we get to Rouen?" + +In contemptuous silence Daphne lowered her window, accosted the first +passer-by, and asked the way. An admission that it was possible to +reach the Neufchatel road without actually retracing our steps was at +length extracted, and, after a prolonged study of the plan, my sister +gave the word to proceed. Save that we twice mounted the pavement, +grazed a waggon, and literally brushed an urchin out of the way, our +emergence from Abbeville was accomplished without further incident. + +With the knowledge that, barring accidents, we ought to reach Rouen by +half-past five, we ventured to devour a wayside lunch some ten minutes +later. + +It was after Neufchatel that the surface of the great grey road argued +neglect in no uncertain terms. For mile after mile, fat bulls of +Basan, in the shape of gigantic pot-holes, gaped threateningly upon us. +Berry, who was driving much better, did all that he could, but only a +trick-cyclist could have picked his way between them. The car +hiccoughed along piteously.... + +With the approach of darkness, driving became a burden, being driven a +weariness of the flesh, and we were all thankful when we slid down a +paved hill into the Cathedral City and, presently, past the great +church and on to the very bank of the River Seine. + +The others had been awaiting us for nearly two hours. + + * * * * * + +"With this sun," said Adèle, "they ought to be glorious." + +Impiously I reflected that Berry was almost certainly enjoying his +breakfast in bed. + +"I expect they will," I said abstractedly. + +Adèle slid an arm through mine. + +"It's very sweet of you to come with me, Boy." + +I stood still and looked at her. + +"You're a wonderful child," I said. "When you speak like that, I want +to kick myself and burst into song simultaneously. I suppose that's +Love." + +"I expect so," said Adèle mischievously. + +Five minutes later we were standing beneath the shadow of Chartres +Cathedral. + +We had come, my wife and I, to see the windows. The day before had +been dull, and what light there was had been failing when we had +visited the shrine. To-day, however, was all glorious. + +If we had risen early, we had our reward. + +The place had become a gallery with jewels for pictures. Out of the +sombre depths the aged webs of magic glowed with the matchless flush of +precious stones. From every side colours we had not dreamed of +enriched our eyes. To make the great west rose, the world herself +might have been spoiled of her gems. Looking upon this mystery, no man +can wonder that the art is lost. Clearly it went the way of Babel. +For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. Windows the sun was lighting +were at once more real and more magnificent. Crimsons and blues, +purples and greens, yellows and violets, blazed with that ancient +majesty which only lives to-day in the peal of a great organ, the call +of a silver trumpet, or the proud roll of drums. Out of the gorgeous +pageant mote-ridden rays issued like messengers, to badge the cold grey +stone with tender images and set a smile upon the face of stateliness. +"Such old, old panes," says someone. "Six hundred years and more. How +wonderful!" Pardon me, but I have seen them, and it is not wonderful +at all. Beneath their spell, centuries shrink to afternoons. The +windows of Chartres are above Time. They are the peepholes of +Immortality. + +We returned to the hotel in time to contribute to a heated argument +upon the subject of tipping. + +"It's perfectly simple," said Berry. "You think of what you would hate +to have given before the War, double it, add forty per cent. for the +increased cost of living, halve it because of the Exchange, ask them +whether they'd like it in notes or gold, and pay them in +postage-stamps." + +"I want to know," said Daphne, "what to give the chambermaid." + +"Eight francs fifty. That's the equivalent of half-a-crown before the +War." + +"Nonsense," said his wife. "Five francs is heaps, and you know it." + +"I think it's too much," said Berry. "Give her one instead, and tell +her you've hidden the rest in the bathroom and that, when she touches +the towel-rail, she's warm." + +"As a matter of fact," said Jill uneasily, "it's all over. I've done +it." + +There was a dreadful silence. Then-- + +"Tell us the worst," said I, "and get it over." + +"I'm--I'm afraid I gave her rather a lot, but she had a nice face." + +"She had a nice step," said Berry. "I noticed that about five this +morning." + +"How much?" said I relentlessly. + +Jill looked round guiltily. + +"I gave her fifty," she said. + +There was a shriek of laughter. + +"Did she faint?" said Berry. "Or try to eat grass, or anything?" + +Gravely Jill shook her head. + +"She talked a great deal--very fast. I couldn't follow her. And then +she turned away and began to cry. I was so glad I'd done it." + +"So are we all," said Daphne. + +She was supported heartily. + +Jonah looked at his watch. + +"I suggest," he said, "that we start at eleven, then we shall fetch up +in time to see the cathedral." + +"How far is Tours?" said Daphne. + +"Eighty-six miles." + +"Let's keep together to-day," said Jill. "It's much more fun." + +Her brother shook his head. + +"I don't want," he said, "to be arrested for loitering." + +"Don't you worry," said Berry. "We wouldn't be seen with you." + +Jonah sighed. + +"Where there's a will there's a way," he murmured. + +"More," said Berry. "We regard you rather less than the dust beneath +our detachable wheels. You pollute the road with your hoghood. I +suppose it's no use asking you to keep behind us." + +"None whatever," replied our cousin. "Why should we?" + +"Well," said Berry, "supposing a tire discovers that I'm driving and +bursts with pride, who's going to change the wheel?" + +Jonah stifled a yawn. + +"You can't have it both ways," he said. "If we're to warn people not +to shoot at you, we must be in front." + +Berry regarded his finger-nails. + +"Perhaps you're right," he said. "Think of me when you get your third +puncture, won't you? And remember that my heart goes out to you in +your tire trouble and that you have all my love. Then you won't sweat +so much." + +Half an hour later Pong stormed out of the garage and into the _Place +des Epars_. + +Adèle's wish had been granted, and she was travelling with Berry and me +instead of with Jonah. + +For this new order of battle Nobby was solely responsible. Upon the +first day's journey the terrier had whined all the way to Rouen because +he had wanted to be with me. As one of his audience, Jonah had been +offensively outspoken regarding this predilection. Upon the following +day the dog's desire had been gratified, whereupon he had whined all +the way to Chartres because he was apart from Adèle. Commenting upon +this unsuspected devotion, Berry had been quite as outspoken as Jonah, +and much more offensive. Naturally, to withstand such importunity was +out of the question, and, since it was impossible for me to leave +Berry, the line of least resistance was followed, and Daphne and Adèle +changed places. + +Our way out of Chartres was short and simple, and, with the exception +of temporarily obstructing two trams by the artless expedient of +remaining motionless upon the permanent way, Pong emerged from the city +without a stain upon his character. + +The Vendôme road looked promising and proved excellent. Very soon we +were flying. For all that, Jonah overtook us as we were nearing +Bonneval.... + +It was some thirty minutes later, as we were leaving Châteaudun, that a +sour-faced _gendarme_ with a blue nose motioned to us to stop. +Standing upon the near pavement, the fellow was at once conversing with +a postman and looking malevolently in our direction. I think we all +scented mischief. + +"What can he want?" growled Berry, as he brought the car to a +standstill. + +"He's probably being officious," said I, getting our papers ready. +"We're strangers, and he's in a bad humour. Consequently, he's going +to scrutinise our _triptyque_, passports, passes and certificates, to +see if he can accuse us of anything. Happily they're all in order, so +he'll be disappointed. When he's thoroughly satisfied that he can +bring no charge against us, he'll order us to proceed." + +"He's taking his time about it," observed my brother-in-law. + +I looked up from the documents. + +My gentleman was still talking to the postman, while his pig's eyes +were still surveying the car. From his companion's demeanour, he +seemed to be whetting his wit at our expense. + +"This is intolerable," said I. "Ask him what he wants, lady." + +Adèle leaned forward and put her head out of the window. + +"I think you wished us to stop, _Monsieur_?" + +The _gendarme_ waved his hand. + +"Wait," he said insolently. + +The postman sniggered shamefacedly. + +Adèle sank back in her seat, her cheeks flaming. + +In a voice trembling with passion I conjured Berry to proceed. + +The moment the car moved, the official sprang forward, gesticulating +furiously. + +As we passed him, I put out my head. + +"Now it's our turn," I said warmly, "to make the postman laugh." + +From the hoarse yells which followed us, it was clear that we had left +the fellow beside himself with rage. Looking back through the little +window, I could see him dancing. Suddenly he stopped, peered after us, +and then swung about and ran ridiculously up the street. + +"Blast him, he's going to telephone!" said I. "Where's the map?" + +Together Adèle and I pored over the sections. + +"If," said Berry, "you're going to direct me to turn off, for Heaven's +sake be quick about it. At the present moment I'm just blinding along +into the blue and, for all I know, an oversized hornets' nest. Of +course they mayn't sting when there's an 'r' in the month, but then +they mightn't know that. Or am I thinking of oysters?" + +"They'll stop us at Vendôme," said I. "Not before. Right oh! We must +turn to the right at Cloyes and make for St. Calais. We can get round +to Tours that way. It'll take us about twenty miles out of our way, +but----" + +"Yes, and when we don't show up at Vendôme, they'll wire to Calais. +Seriously, as Shakespeare says, I'm all of a doo-dah." + +That we should be stopped at St. Calais was not likely, and I said as +much. What did worry me, because it was far more probable, was that +when they drew blank at Vendôme, the authorities would telephone to +Tours. Any apprehension, however, regarding our reception at that city +was soon mercifully, unmercifully, and somewhat paradoxically +overshadowed by a more instant anxiety lest we should never arrive +there at all. From the moment we left the main road, the obstacles in +the shape of uncharted roads and villages, pavements, cattle, goats, a +horse fair, and finally a series of appalling gradients, opposed our +passage. All things considered, my brother-in-law drove admirably. +But it was a bad business, and, while my wife and Berry were very +staunch, I think we all regretted that I had been so high with Blue +Nose. + +Night had fallen ere we slunk into Tours. + +Fully expecting to find that the others had well-nigh given us up, we +were astounded to learn at the hotel that Ping had not yet arrived. +Indeed, we had finished dinner, and were debating seriously whether we +should take a hired car and go to seek them, when there was a flurry of +steps in the corridor, Nobby rushed to the door, and the next moment +Daphne and Jill burst into the room. + +"My darling," said Berry, advancing, "where on earth have you been?" + +My sister put her arms about his neck and looked into his eyes. + +"Kiss me 'Good-bye,'" she said. "Jonah's just coming." + +Her husband stared at her. Then-- + +"Is it as bad as all that?" he said. "Dear, dear. And how did he get +the booze?" + +Somebody cleared his throat. + +I swung round, to see Jonah regarding us. + +"You three beauties," he said. "Four with Nobby." + +"But what do you mean?" said Adèle. "What have we done?" + +"Done?" cried Jonah. "Done? Where d'you think we've been?" + +"It can't have been goats that stopped you," said Berry, "because I had +all the goats. There was a great rally of goats at St. Calais this +afternoon. It was a wonderful smell--I mean sight." + +"Guess again," said Jonah grimly. + +"You haven't been waiting for us on the road?" said I. + +"You're getting warmer," was the reply. + +Adèle gave a sudden cry. + +"O-o-oh, Jonah," she gasped, "you've been at Vendôme!" + +I started violently, and Berry, who was about to speak, choked. + +"That's right," said Jonah shortly. "Nice little place--what I saw of +it.... Lovely view from the police-station." He leaned against the +mantelpiece and lighted a cigarette. "It may amuse you to know," he +added, "that the expiation of your crime took us six and a half hours +and cost five hundred francs." + +In response to our thirsty enquiries, the tale came bubbling. + +My surmise that the blue-nosed _gendarme_ would telephone to Vendôme +had been well-founded. He had forwarded an exact description of Pong, +together with the letters and the first three figures of the four +appearing upon the number-plate. Six minutes later Ping had sailed +innocently into Vendôme--and up to her doom.... + +The Vendôme police could hardly believe their eyes. Here was the +offending car, corresponding in every particular to the one described +to them, admittedly fresh from Châteaudun, yet having covered the +thirty-nine kilometres in eleven minutes. It was amazing ... almost +incredible ... almost.... Of outlaws, however, all things were +credible--even a speed of one hundred and thirty-six miles an hour. +For it was without doubt that outlaw which had flouted Authority at +Châteaudun. Oh, indubitably. And, having thus flouted Authority, what +was more natural than that it should endeavour to outstrip the +consequences of its deed? But, _mon Dieu_, what wickedness! + +In vain had Jonah protested and Daphne declared their innocence. The +telephone was again requisitioned, and the blue-nosed _gendarme_ +summoned and cross-examined. As luck would have it, he could not speak +to the passengers, beyond affirming that they included one man and one +woman.... When he gratuitously added that the reason why he could not +swear to the whole of the number was because of the terrible pace at +which the car was moving, the game was up.... + +Finding that the accusation of travelling at a horrifying speed was +assuming a serious look, my sister and cousins at length decided that +they had no alternative but to give us away. They had, of course, +realised that Pong was implicated from the beginning. Consequently, +with the flourish of one who has hit upon the solution of a problem, +they divulged our existence. They were politely, but wholly +disbelieved. In reply, they had politely, but confidently, invited the +police to wait and see.... + +For over four hours they had anxiously awaited the arrival of Pong. +When at last the humiliating truth began to dawn upon them, and it +became evident that we had ruled Vendôme out of our itinerary, the +shock of realising, not only that they were to be denied an opportunity +of refuting the charges preferred, but that they were destined to leave +the town branded as three of the biggest and most unsuccessful liars +ever encountered, had well-nigh reduced Daphne and Jill to tears. And +when, upon the sickly resumption of negotiations, it appeared highly +probable that they would not be permitted to proceed, Jill had wept +openly.... + +France is nothing if not emotional. + +Visibly affected by her distress, the police had immediately become +less hostile. Observing this, Daphne had discreetly followed her +cousin's example. Before the sledge-hammer blows of their lamentation +two gendarmes began to sniff and a third broke down. The girls +redoubled their sobs. They were practically there. + +"You never saw anything like it," concluded Jonah. "Within three +minutes four of the police were crying, and the head bottle-washer was +beating his breast and imploring me in broken accents to explain away +my guilt. I threw five hundred francs on his desk and covered my eyes. +With tears rolling down his cheeks, he pushed the notes under a +blotting-pad and wrote laboriously upon a buff sheet. Then a woman was +produced. Between explosions of distress she made us some tea. In +common decency we couldn't push off for a while. Besides, I wasn't +quite sure that it was all over. However, everybody seemed too +overcome to say anything, so, after a bit, we chanced it and made a +move for the car. To my relief, they actually helped us in, and two of +them fought as to who should start us up." He looked round coldly. +"And now, perhaps, you'll be good enough to tell us what we've been +punished for." + +I told what there was to tell. + +As I came to the end. Berry nodded at Jonah. + +"Yes," he said unctuously, "and let this be a lesson to you, brother." + +Speechless with indignation, our cousin regarded him. + +At length-- + +"What d'you mean?" he demanded. + +Berry raised his eyebrows. + +"I hardly think," he said, "the penalty for--er--loitering would have +been so vindictive." + + + + +CHAPTER II + +HOW THREE WAGERS WERE MADE, AND ADÈLE KILLED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE + +We had slept, risen and breakfasted: we had visited Tours Cathedral: +finally, we had mustered in the lounge of the hotel. It was when we +had there been insulting one another for nearly an hour, that Jonah +looked at his watch. + +"We have now," he said, "wasted exactly forty-nine minutes in kicking +against the pricks. Short of a European war, you can't alter the +geography of France, and the laws of Mathematics take a lot of +upsetting. It's no good wishing that Bordeaux was Biarritz, or that +Pau was half the distance it is from Angoulême. If you don't want to +go right through, you must stay at Bordeaux. It's the only possible +place. If you don't want to stay at Bordeaux, you must go right +through. I don't care which we do, but I do want to see something of +Poitiers, and, if we don't get a move on, we shan't have time." + +All the way from Boulogne France had made an excellent host. So far +she had never failed to offer us a good night's lodging, with History +as a bedfellow, at the end of a respectable run. Indeed, from the +point of view of they that go down to the South in cars, her famous +capitals could hardly have been more conveniently disposed. This very +evening, by lodging us at Angoulême, she was to repeat such hospitality +for the last time. Upon the morrow we should be faced with a choice of +making a dash for the villa which was awaiting our arrival at Pau, or +breaking the journey asunder--but by no means in half--by sleeping at +Bordeaux. + +"I must confess," said Daphne, "that, for some reason or other, +Bordeaux doesn't attract me. Incidentally, I'm getting rather tired of +unpacking and packing up." + +"So far," said her husband, "as the bestowal and disinterment of my +effects are concerned, I can confirm that statement. Indeed, if we had +another week on the road, you'd both be exhausted. You left my sponge +and bedroom-slippers at Boulogne, my dressing-gown at Rouen, and my +pyjamas at Chartres. I wish you'd tell me what you've left here. I'm +simply dying to know." + +"No," said Daphne. "You must wait till Angoulême. I wouldn't spoil it +for anything." + +"Jade," said her husband. "And now, stand back, please, everybody. I +want to do a little stock-taking." With that, from every pocket he +produced French notes of all denominations, in all stages of decay, and +heaped them upon the table. "Now, this one," he added, gingerly +extracting a filthy and dilapidated rag, "is a particularly interesting +specimen. Apparently, upon close inspection, merely a valuable +security, worth, to be exact, a shade under twopence-half-penny, it is +in reality a talisman. Whosoever touches it, cannot fail to contract +at least two contagious diseases within the week. In view of the +temperature of my coffee this morning, I'm saving it for the +head-waiter." + +"When," said I, "do you expect to go down?" + +"The pure in heart," said Berry, "are proof against its malignity. +Don't you come too near. And look at this sere and yellow leaf. Now, +that represents one franc. When I think that, upon offering that to a +bar-tender, I shall not only not be assaulted, but shall actually +receive a large bottle of beer and be lent a two-and-sixpenny glass +from which to imbibe the same, I feel the deepest reverence for the +French Government. No other authority in the world could possibly put +up such a bluff and get away with it." + +"They are awful," said Jill, peering. + +"They're perfectly beastly," said Berry, "and wholly ridiculous. +However, since they're also legal tender, I suppose I may as well try +and sort them out. What I really need is some rubber gloves and a +box-respirator. Hullo! Just catch that one, will you? He's seen that +dog over there.... You know, I'm not at all sure that they get enough +air in my pocket. I suppose we couldn't get a hutch for the more +advanced ones. I mean, I don't want to be cruel." + +Again Jonah looked at his watch. + +"We have now," he said, "wasted fifty-six minutes in----" + +"Excuse me," said Berry, "but isn't this touching? Here's affectionate +Albert." With the words, he laid a two-franc note tenderly upon my +sleeve. "Now, I bet you don't get him off without tearing him." + +Disgustedly I managed to detach Albert, who instantly adhered to my +fingers. + +There was a shriek of laughter. + +"Stick to him," said Berry. "I've lost the bet." + +The injunction was unnecessary. + +After Albert had clung once to Adèle's--happily, gloved--fingers and +twice to each of my hands, I trod upon him. Some of Albert was still +upon my boot that evening at Angoulême. + +"For the last time," said Jonah, "I appeal to you all to let that +dog-eared mountebank rake over his muck-heap, and attend to me." + +My brother-in-law addressed Adèle. + +"It is," he said, "a discreditable but incontrovertible fact that +saints have always been reviled. I suppose it's jealousy." He turned +to his wife. "By the way, did you pack my _aureola_? I left it +hanging on the towel-rail." + +"If," said Daphne, "you're referring to your body-belt, it's with your +bed-socks." + +"And why not between your flannel vests?" said her husband. "The grey +ones we found at Margate, I mean. With the imitation bone buttons. +Ah, here we are. Now, if half a franc's no earthly, what'll who give +me for two-thirds of fifty centimes?" + +Jonah sank into a chair and closed his eyes. + +"Look here," said I desperately. "Once for all, are we going to stay +at Bordeaux, or are we going right through?" + +"I think we'd all rather go right through," said Jill. + +"I know I would," said her brother. "And if Boy's leg was all right, I +shouldn't hesitate. I'll answer for Ping. But, frankly, with Berry +driving, I doubt if Pong'll fetch up. I mean, two hundred and +twenty-two miles takes some biting off." + +There was a pregnant silence. Then-- + +"He'll never do it," said Daphne. + +Her husband, who was still busy with his paper, looked up defiantly. +Then he took a thousand-franc note and laid it apart from its fellows +upon the table. + +"I will wager that shekel," he said deliberately, "that, with a start +of one hour to-morrow, Pong reaches Pau before Ping." + +There was a gasp of astonishment. + +"Done," said Jonah. "What's more, I'll bet you another you don't get +in before ten." + +Berry raised his eyes to heaven. + +"An insult," he said. "Never mind. Your dross shall wipe it out. I +take you." + +"And I," said I, not to be outdone, "will put another on Pong for the +double." + +I felt that my honour was involved. After all, if I had not trained +the mount, I was training the jockey. + +"Right," said Jonah. "Will you both pay me now, or wait till you're +out of hospital?" + +"I think," said I, "we'll have a run for our money." + +The bets were made, and there was an end of it. But when we were again +in the car, and my brother-in-law was threading his way out of Tours, I +began to repent my rashness. + +Considering that, when he took the wheel at Boulogne, Berry had had +only three lessons in the management of a car, he had done most +creditably. My brother-in-law was no fool. Moreover, on leaving +Rouen, he and I had joined forces. Sitting beside him in the coupé, I +had driven the car with his hands--after a little practice--with +astonishing results. In two days we had, we prided ourselves, raised +such collaboration from the ranks of the Mechanical to the society of +the Fine Arts. My part was comparatively easy. Sinking his initiative +he had more nearly converted himself into an intelligent piece of +mechanism than I would have believed possible. It would, of course, be +vain to suggest that Pong would not have gone faster if I had been able +to drive with my own hands, or Berry had had my experience. Still, we +had come very well, and with a start of a whole hour and a little +luck.... Another point in our favour was that Adèle, who with Nobby +completed our crew, had a pronounced gift for map-reading. She had an +eye to country. She seemed to be able to scent the line we ought to +take. The frequent treachery of signposts she laughed to scorn. Upon +the morrow her confident assistance would be invaluable.... + +What, when I made my bet, I had entirely forgotten, was that we were +not always upon the open road. There was the rub. From Angoulême to +Pau towns would have to be penetrated--among them Bordeaux itself--and +in the towns our system had broken down. In a crowded street, though I +could still administer, Berry could not execute. When I endeavoured to +allow for his inexperience of traffic, I found it impossible accurately +to gauge his capabilities. After a failure or two, it had been agreed +that he should negotiate such streets as we encountered without my +interference.... Of my haste to support Pong's honour, I had forgotten +the towns. + +With years of practice behind us, Jonah and I could thrust through +traffic, happy enough with an odd inch to spare. Naturally enough, +Berry had no such confidence. An inch was of no use to him. He must +have a good ell, and more also, before he would enter a gap. In the +trough of a narrow street he laboured heavily.... There was no doubt +about it. The towns through which we should have to pass on Wednesday +would settle our chances. My money was as good as gone. + +It seemed equally probable that Berry would save his stake. Barring +accidents of the grosser sort, if we started betimes, we were bound to +reach Pau before ten. Such a protasis robbed the bet of its savour. +With a thousand francs at stake, it would be foolish not to take +reasonable care. And the taking of reasonable care would all but +eliminate the element of uncertainty.... There was no getting away +from it. Of the two wagers, only the first was worth winning. To +reach Pau before Jonah would be a veritable triumph. + +Moodily I communicated my reflections to Adèle. + +"I thought it was rather rash at the time," she replied. "But I think +there's a sporting chance." + +"That's right," said Berry. "Put your money on uncle. With enough +encouragement I can do anything." + +"Permit me to encourage you to blow your horn," said I. "That child in +front of you is too young to die." My brother-in-law obeyed. "All the +same, I'm afraid we're for it. It isn't so much a question of pace, +pure and simple, for Jonah's a careful driver. But his street work is +beautiful." + +Berry sighed. + +"I suppose he'd pass between those two waggons," he said sarcastically. + +"He would," said I. + +"I don't think you quite see where I mean," said Berry, pointing. "I +mean along that temporary passage, which would admit a small +perambulator." + +As he spoke, Ping brushed past us, slipped between the two wains, and +disappeared. + +Berry stared after it in silence. At length-- + +"I withdraw," he said. "I'm not a conjurer. If everybody stood well +back I used to be able to produce an egg, broken or unbroken according +to the temperature of my hands, from a handkerchief about six feet +square. People were very nice about it, very nice. But an inability +to introduce a quart into a pint pot has always been among my failings. +Don't say I've got to turn to the left here, because I can't bear it." + +"No," said Adèle, smiling. "Straight on." + +"What--past the steam roller? How very touching! Excuse me, +messieurs, but would you mind suspending your somewhat boisterous +_travail_? My little car is frightened.... No answer. I suppose I +must pass it. Or shall we turn back? You know, I didn't really half +see the cathedral!" + +"Go on," I said mercilessly. "Jam your foot on the accelerator and +shut your eyes. Oh, and you might hold Nobby a minute, will you? I +want to light a cigarette." + +Adèle began to shake with laughter. + +"With pleasure," said Berry acidly. "And then I'll help you on with +your coat. I may say that, if you touch me with that mammal, I shall +press and pull everything I can see and burst into tears. I'm all +strung up, I am." + +There was not much room, and the roller was ponderously closing in, but +with a protruding tongue our luckless chauffeur crept slowly past the +monster in safety, and a moment later we were scudding up the Poitiers +road. + +Now that we were clear of the town, we set to work diligently. Adèle +pored over the map and the Michelin Guide; Berry turned himself into a +mechanical doll; and I maintained a steady issue of orders until my +throat was sore. + +The weather was fair and the going was good. Her new-born stiffness +beginning to wear off, Pong went better than ever. Berry excelled +himself. + +With every kilometre we covered my spirits rose, and when we overtook +Jonah on the outskirts of Chatellerault, I could have flung up my cap. + +The latter was clearly immensely surprised to see us, and when we +stopped, as was our custom, at a _charcuterie_ to buy our lunch, and +Ping had followed our example, leaned out of his window and asked me +pointedly whether my leg was yet stiff. + +Concealing a smile, I regretted that it was. + +Jonah fingered his chin. + +"Of course," he said warily, "it's a condition precedent that you don't +drive to-morrow." + +"Of course," I agreed. + +The confession of uneasiness, however, did my heart good. It was plain +that my imperturbable cousin was getting nervous. + +As we moved off again-- + +"We must lunch soon," said Berry. "My mouth's watering so fast, I +can't keep up with it." + +I patted Adèle's arm. + +"Now you know the way to his heart," I said. "Straight through the +stomach, and----" + +"But how gross!" said Berry. "And how untrue! Naturally ascetic, but +for the insistence of my physicians, I should long ago have let my hair +grow and subsisted entirely on locusts and motionless lemonade. But a +harsh Fate ruled otherwise. Excuse me, but I think that that there +basket or ark in which the comfort is enshrined is rather near the +conduit through which flows that sparkling liquid which, when vapoured, +supplies our motive power. And _foie gras_ is notoriously susceptible +to the baneful influence of neighbouring perfumes. Thank you. If +those bits of heaven were to taste of petrol, it would shorten my life. +And now, where was I?" + +I turned to Adèle. + +"He's off," said I. "The prospect of gluttony always loosens his +tongue. There's really only one way to stop him. What about lunching +at the top of this hill? Or can you bear it till we've passed +Poitiers?" + +A mischievous look came into Adèle's brown eyes. + +"It's not half-past twelve yet," she said slowly. My brother-in-law +groaned. "Still ... I don't know.... After all, we did have +breakfast rather early, didn't we?" + +Berry smacked his lips. + +"A sensible woman," he said, "is above boobies." + +As he spoke, Ping swept by stormily. + +There was a moment's silence. Then-- + +"Hurray," cried Adèle excitedly; "we've got a rise!" + +It was patently true. Jonah was wishful to reassure himself upon a +point which an hour ago he had taken for granted. The reflection that +at the moment we had not been trying to outdistance him increased our +delight. All the same, his ability to out-drive us was unquestionable. +But whether he could give us the start he had agreed to was another +matter. + +We ate a festive lunch.... + +An hour with Poitiers is like a sip of old wine. + +The absence of the stir and bustle which fret her sister capitals is +notable. So reverend and thoughtful is the old grey-muzzled town that +it is hard to recognise the bristling war-dog that bestrode the +toughest centuries, snarled in the face of Fate, and pulled down Time. +The old soldier has got him a cassock and become a gentle-faced +dominie. The sleepy music of bells calling, the pensive air of study, +the odour of simple piety, the sober confidence of great possessions, +are most impressive. Poitiers has beaten her swords into crosiers and +her spears into tuning-forks. Never was there an old age so ripe, so +mellow, so becoming. With this for evidence, you may look History in +the eyes and swear that you have seen Poitiers in the prime of her full +life. The dead will turn in their graves to hear you; children unborn +will say you knew no better. And Poitiers will take the threefold +compliment with a grave smile. She has heard it so often. + +Celt, Roman, Visigoth, Moor, Englishman--all these have held Poitiers +in turn. Proud of their tenure, lest History should forget, three at +least of them have set up their boasts in stone. The place was, I +imagine, a favourite. Kings used her, certainly. Dread Harry +Plantagenet gave her a proud cathedral. Among her orchards Coeur de +Lion worshipped Jehane, jousted, sang of a summer evening, and spent +his happiest days. Beneath her shadow the Black Prince lighted such a +candle of Chivalry as has never yet been put out. Not without honour +of her own countrymen, for thirteen years the High Court of Parliament +preferred her to Paris. Within her walls the sainted Joan argued her +inspiration. + +I have dived at random into her wallet, yet see what I have brought +forth. If memories are precious, Poitiers is uncommon rich. + +As if to console us for our departure, the road to Sister Angoulême was +superb. Broad, straight, smooth as any floor, the great highway +stretched like a strip of marquetry inlaid upon the countryside. Its +invitation was irresistible.... + +We reached the windy town in time for a late tea. + +As soon as this was over, Berry and I escaped and carried Pong off to a +garage, there to be oiled and greased against the morrow's race. +Somewhat to our amusement, before we had been there ten minutes, our +cousin arrived with Ping and the same object. Had the incident +occurred at Poitiers, I should have been encouraged as well. It was +another sign that Jonah did not despise his opponents, and his opinion +was worth having. As it was, the compliment left me unmoved.... + +The truth was, Berry had that afternoon contracted two habits. Again +and again on the way from Poitiers he had shown a marked tendency to +choke his engine, and five times he had failed to mesh the gears when +changing speed. Twice we had had to stop altogether and start again. +He had, of course, reproached himself violently, and I had made light +of the matter. But, for all the comfort I offered him, I was seriously +alarmed. In a word, his sudden lapse suggested that my brother-in-law +was entering that most unpleasant stage which must be traversed by all +who will become chauffeurs and are taught, so to speak, to run before +they can walk. + +It was after we had dined, and when my wife and I were seated--myself, +by virtue of my injury, upon a couch, and she upon a cushion beside +me--before the comfort of a glowing log-fire, that Adèle laid down the +Guide and leaned her head against my knee. + +"I'm glad I married you," she said. + +I looked at Nobby. + +"So are we both," said I. + +"I wonder," said Adèle, "whether you are really, or whether you're just +being nice." + +"Personally, I'm just being nice. Nobby is really. Of course, he may +be making the best of a bad job. As a worldly good of mine, I just +endowed you with him, and that was that." + +"You were both very happy before--before I came." + +"We thought we were." + +"O-o-oh," said Adèle, twisting her head around, to see my face. "You +were. You know you were." + +The gleeful accusation of the soft brown eyes was irresistible. To +gain time, I swallowed. Then-- + +"So were you," I said desperately. + +"I know I was," was the disconcerting reply. + +"Well, then, why shouldn't we----" + +"But you said you weren't." + +I called the Sealyham. + +"Nobby," said I, "I'm being bullied. The woman we love is turning my +words against me." + +For a moment the dog looked at us. Then he sat up and begged. + +"And what," said Adèle, caressing him, "does that mean?" + +"He's pleading my cause--obviously." + +"I'm not so sure," said Adèle. "I wish he could talk." + +"You're a wicked, suspicious girl. Here are two miserable males, all +pale and trembling for love of you--you've only got to smile to make +them rich--and you set your small pink heel upon their devotion. I +admit it's a soft heel--one of the very softest----" + +"----I ever remember," flashed Adèle. "How very interesting! 'Heels I +have Held,' by Wild Oats. Were the others pink, too?" + +Solemnly I regarded her. + +"A little more," said I, "and I shan't teach her to drive." + +Adèle tossed her head. + +"Berry's going to do that," she said. "Directly we get to Pau." + +I laughed savagely. + +"I'm talking of automobiles," I said, "not golf balls." + +"I know," said my wife. "And Berry's going to----" + +"Well, he's not!" I shouted. "For one thing, he can't, and, for +another, it's my right, and I won't give it up. I've been looking +forward to it ever since I knew you. I've dreamed about it. You're +miles cleverer than I am, you're wise, you're quick-witted, you can +play, you can sing like a nightingale, you can take me on at tennis, +you can ride--driving a car's about the only thing I can teach you, +and----" + +Adèle laid a smooth hand upon my mouth. + +"Nobby and I," she said, "are very proud of you. They're not in the +same street with their master, they know, but they're awfully proud to +be his wife and dog." + +To such preposterous generosity there was but one answer. + +As I made it-- + +"May I teach you to drive, lady?" + +A far-away look came into the soft brown eyes. + +"If you don't," said Adèle, "nobody shall." + + * * * * * + +The day of the race dawned, clear and jubilant. By eight o'clock the +sun was high in a blue heaven, new-swept by a steady breeze. Limping +into the courtyard before breakfast, I rejoiced to notice that the air +was appreciably warmer than any I had breathed for a month. + +We had hoped to leave Angoulême at nine o'clock. Actually it was a +quarter to ten before the luggage was finally strapped into place and +my brother-in-law climbed into the car. With a sigh for a bad +beginning, I reflected that if we could not cover the two-hundred and +twenty odd miles in twelve and a quarter hours, we ought to be shot. + +Jonah stood by, watch in hand. + +"Are you ready?" he said. + +I nodded. + +"Right," said my cousin. "I'm not sure we've picked the best route, +but it's too late now. No divergence allowed." + +"I agree." + +"And you don't drive." + +"It's out of the question." + +"Right. Like to double the bets?" + +"No," said Adèle, "they wouldn't. I won't allow it. But I'll bet with +you. I can't afford much, but I'll bet you a hundred francs we're +there before you." + +"I'll give you tens," said my cousin. "And I start in one hour from +_Now_!" + +When I say that, upon the word being given, Pong, whose manners had +been hitherto above reproach, utterly refused to start or be started, +it will be seen that Fate was against us.... + +It took us exactly two minutes to locate the trouble--which was in the +magneto--and just over two hours to put it right. + +As we slid out of Angoulême, an impatient clock announced that it was +mid-day. + +At least the delay had done something. So far as the second wager was +concerned, it had altered the whole complexion of the case. We were no +longer betting upon anything approaching a certainty. Indeed, unless +we could break the back of the distance before daylight failed, our +chances of reaching Pau before ten were worth little. If the road to +Bordeaux were as fine as that from Poitiers, and Berry could find his +form, we should probably run to time. We could not afford, however, to +give a minute away. + +As luck would have it, the state of the road was, on the whole, rather +worse than any we had used since we left Boulogne. Presumably +untouched for over six years, the wear and tear to which, as one of the +arteries springing from a great port, it had been subjected, had turned +a sleek highway into a shadow of itself. There was no flesh; the skin +was broken; the very bones were staring. + +For the first half hour we told one another that we had struck a bad +patch. For the second we expressed nervous hopes that the going would +grow no worse. After that, Berry and I lost interest and suffered in +silence. Indeed, but for Adèle, I think we should have thrown up the +sponge and spent the night at Bordeaux. + +My lady, however, kept us both going. + +She had studied our route until she knew it by heart, and was just +burning to pilot us through Bordeaux and thence across Gascony. + +"They're sure to make mistakes after Bordeaux. You know what the +sign-posts are like. And the road's really tricky. But I spent two +hours looking it up yesterday evening. I took you through Barbezieux +all right, didn't I?" + +"Like a book, darling." + +"Well, I can do that every time. And I daresay they'll have tire +trouble. Besides, the road's no worse for us than it is for them, and +after Bordeaux it'll probably be splendid. Of course we'll be there +before ten--we can't help it. I want to be there before Jonah. I've +got a hundred----" + +"My dear," I expostulated, "I don't want to----" + +"We've got a jolly good chance, any way. While you were getting her +right, I got the lunch, and we can eat that without stopping. You can +feed Berry. We'll gain half an hour like that." + +Before such optimism I had not the face to point out that, if our +opponents had any sense at all, they had lunched before leaving +Angoulême. + +"Here's a nice patch," added Adèle. "Put her along, you two." + +Spurred by her enthusiasm, we bent again to the oars. + +Contrary to my expectation, my brother-in-law, if unusually silent, was +driving well. But the road was against him. He had not sufficient +experience to be able to keep his foot steady upon the accelerator when +a high speed and a rude surface conspired to dislodge it--a shortcoming +which caused us all three much discomfort and lost a lot of mileage. +Then, again, I dared not let him drive too close to the side of the +road. Right at the edge the surface was well preserved, and I knew +that Jonah's off wheels would make good use of it. Such finesse, +however, was out of Berry's reach. We pelted along upon what remained +of the crown painfully. + +Seventy-three miles separate Bordeaux from Angoulême, and at the end of +two hours fifty-four of them lay behind us. All things considered, +this was extremely good, and when Adèle suggested that we should eat +our lunch, I agreed quite cheerfully. + +The suggestion, however, that I should feed Berry proved impracticable. + +After four endeavours to introduce one end of a _petit pain_ into his +mouth-- + +"Would it be asking too much," said my brother-in-law, "if I suggested +that you should suspend this assault? I don't know what part of your +face you eat with, but I usually use my mouth. I admit it's a bit of a +rosebud, but that's no excuse for all these 'outers.' Yes, I know it's +a scream, but I was once told never to put _foie gras_ upon the nose or +cheeks. They say it draws the skin. Oh, and don't let's have any +comic nonsense about the beer," he added shortly. "Pour it straight +into my breast-pocket and have done with it. Then I can suck my +handkerchief." + +As he spoke, Nobby leaned forward and took the dishevelled sandwich out +of my unready fingers. + +"That's right," added Berry, with the laugh of a maniac. "Cast my +portion to the dogs." He dabbed his face with a handkerchief. "Never +mind. When his hour comes, you'll have to hold him out of the window. +I'm not going to stop every time he wants to be sick." + +Eventually it was decided that, since we should have to stop for +petrol, Berry must seize that opportunity to devour some food. + +"Besides," I concluded, "a rest of a quarter of an hour will do you +good." + +As the words left my mouth, I noticed for the first time that my +brother-in-law was tiring. + +For the moment I thought I was mistaken, for upon our previous runs he +had never turned a hair. Now, however, he seemed to be driving with an +effort. As if to confirm my suspicions, at the very next hill he +missed his change. + +"I think," I said quickly, "you ought to have your lunch right away. +It's no good getting done in for want of food." + +Berry shot me a pathetic glance. + +"It isn't that, old chap. It's---- Hang it all, it's my shoulder! +That cursed muscular rheumatism cropped up again yesterday...." + +The murder was out. + +After a little he admitted that, ever since we had left Poitiers, any +quick movement of his left arm had caused him intense pain. + +Of course both Adèle and I besought him to stop there and then and let +the race go to blazes. Of this he would not hear, declaring that, so +long as Jonah was behind, victory was not out of sight, and that +nothing short of paralysis would induce him to jilt the jade. After a +little argument, we let him have his way ... + +The road continued to offer an abominable passage, and when we stopped +at a garage in Bordeaux, it was five minutes to three of a beautiful +afternoon. + +The third bidon was discharging its contents into Pong's tank, and +Berry was sitting wearily upon the running-board, with his mouth full +and a glass of beer in his hand, when, with an apologetic cough, Ping +emerged from behind an approaching tram and slid past us over the +cobbles with a smooth rush. The off-side window was open, and, as the +car went by, Jonah waved to us. + +There was no doubt about it, my cousin was out to win. It was also +transparently clear that Adèle and I, at any rate, had lost our money. +We could not compete with an average of thirty-six miles an hour. + +"Boy!" + +"Yes, darling?" + +"Is that the last _bidon_?" + +"Yes. But Berry won't have finished for at least ten minutes. +Besides----" + +"Couldn't I drive for a bit, just till he's finished his lunch?" + +I stared at my wife. Then-- + +"I don't see why you shouldn't, dear, except that the streets of +Bordeaux are rather rough on a beginner." + +"I'll be very careful," pleaded Adèle, "and--and, after all, we shall +be moving. And it can't affect the bets. Nothing was said about Berry +having to drive." + +I smiled ruefully. + +"As far as the bets are concerned, we might as well stay here the +night. We've got a hundred and fifty miles in front of us, and seven +hours--five of them after dark--to do them in. Berry's shoulder has +put the lid on. We shan't get in before midnight." + +"You never know," said Adèle. + +Berry suspended the process of mastication to put his oar in. + +"Let her drive," he said huskily. "One thing's certain. She can't do +any worse than I have." + +"You never know," said Adèle. + +A minute later she was in the driver's seat, and I had folded the rug +and placed it behind her back. + +As Berry took his seat-- + +"That's right," I said. "Now let in the clutch gently.... Well done. +Change.... Good girl! Now, I shouldn't try to pass this lorry +until----" + +"I think you would," said Adèle, changing into third, and darting in +front of the monster. + +"Good Heavens!" I cried. Then: "Look out for that tram, lady. You'd +better..." + +As the tram was left standing, I caught my brother-in-law by the arm. + +"_She can drive!_" I said stupidly. + +"Nonsense," said Berry, "I'm willing her." + +"_You fool!_" I shouted, shaking him. "_I tell you she can drive!_" +We flashed between two waggons. "_Look at that! She's a first-class +driver, and she's going to save your stake!_" + +"What's really worrying me," said Adèle, "is how we're to pass Jonah +without him seeing us." + +There was an electric silence. Then-- + +"_For-rard!_" yelled Berry. "_For-r-a-r-d!_ Out of the way, fat face, +or we'll take the coat off your back." A portly Frenchman leaped into +safety with a scream. "That's the style. For-rard! Fill the fife, +dear heart, fill the blinkin' fife; there's a cyciclist on the horizon. +For-rard!" + +To sound the horn would have been a work of supererogation. Maddened +by our vociferous exuberance, Nobby lifted up his voice and barked like +a demoniac. The ungodly hullaballoo with which we shook the dust of +Bordeaux from off our tires will be remembered fearfully by all who +witnessed our exit from that city. + +When I had indulged my excitement, I left the terrier and Berry to +finish the latter's lunch and turned to my wife. + +Sitting there, with her little hands about the wheel, she made a +bewitching picture. She had thrown her fur coat open, and the breeze +from the open window was playing greedily with the embroidery about her +throat. Her soft hair, too, was now at the wind's mercy, and but for a +little suede hat, which would have suited Rosalind, the dark strand +that lay flickering upon her cheek would have been one of many. Chin +in air, eyebrows raised, lids lowered, the faintest of smiles hovering +about her small red mouth, my lady leaned back with an indescribable +air of easy efficiency which was most attractive. Only the parted lips +at all betrayed her eagerness.... + +I felt very proud suddenly. + +The road was vile, but Pong flew over it without a tremor. Looking +upon his driver, I found it difficult to appreciate that a small +silk-stockinged foot I could not see was setting and maintaining his +beautiful steady pace. + +As I stared at her, marvelling, the smile deepened, and a little gloved +hand left the wheel and stole into mine. + +I pulled the glove back and kissed the white wrist.... + +"And I was going to teach you," I said humbly. + +"So was I," wailed Berry. "I'd arranged everything. I was going to be +so patient." + +"I was looking forward to it so much," I said wistfully. + +"Oh, and don't you think I was?" cried Adèle. "It was so dear of you, +lad. I was going to pretend----" + +"It was much more dearer of me," said Berry. "But then, I'm like that. +Of course," he added, "you ought to have driven from Boulogne. Don't +tell me why you held your peace, because I know. And I think it was +just sweet of you, darling, and, but for your husband's presence, I +should kiss you by force." + +The car fled on. + +There was little traffic, but thrice we came upon cows and once upon a +large flock of sheep. We could only pray that Jonah had endured the +same trials. + +As we slid through Langon, thirty miles distant from Bordeaux, I looked +at my watch. Two minutes to four. Adèle noticed the movement and +asked the time. When I told her, she frowned. + +"Not good enough," she said simply. + +The light was beginning to fail now, and I asked if she would have the +lamps lit. + +She shook her head. + +"Not yet, Boy." + +At last the road was presenting a better surface. As we flashed up a +long incline, a glance at the speedometer showed me that we were doing +fifty. As I looked again, the needle swung slowly to fifty-five.... + +I began to peer into the distance for Jonah's dust. + +With a low snarl we swooped into La Réole, whipped unhesitatingly to +right and left, coughed at cross-streets, and then swept out of the +town ere Berry had found its name in the Michelin Guide. + +Again I asked my wife if she would have the headlights. + +"Not yet, Boy." + +"Shall I raise the wind screen?" + +"Please." + +Together Berry and I observed her wish, while with her own right hand +she closed the window. The rush of the cool air was more than +freshening, and I turned up her coat collar and fastened the heavy fur +about her throat. + +The car tore on. + +Lights began to appear--one by one, stabbing the dusk with their beams, +steady, conspicuous. One only, far in the distance, seemed +ill-defined--a faint smudge against the twilight. Then it went out +altogether. + +"Jonah," said Adèle quietly. + +She was right. + +Within a minute we could see the smear again--more clearly. It was +Ping's tail-lamp. + +I began to tremble with excitement. Beside me I could hear Berry +breathing fast through his nose. + +Half a dozen times we lost the light, only to pick it up again a moment +later. Each time it was brighter than before. We were gaining +rapidly.... + +We could not have been more than a furlong behind, when the sudden +appearance of a cluster of bright pin-pricks immediately ahead showed +that we were approaching Marmande. + +Instantly Ping's tail-light began to grow bigger. Jonah was slowing up +for the town. In a moment we should be in a position to pass.... + +In silence Berry and I clasped one another. Somewhere between us Nobby +began to pant. + +As we entered Marmande, there were not thirty paces between the two +cars. And my unsuspecting cousin was going dead slow. A twitch of the +wheel, and we should leave him standing.... + +Then, without any warning, Adèle slowed up and fell in behind Ping. + +I could have screamed to her to go by. + +Deliberately she was throwing away the chance of a lifetime. + +Desperately I laid my hand on her arm. + +"Adèle!" I cried hoarsely. "My darling, aren't you----" + +By way of answer, she gave a little crow of rejoicing and turned sharp +round to the right. + +Jonah had passed straight on. + +As Pong leaped forward, the scales fell from my eyes. + +Adèle was for the side-streets. If she could only rejoin the main road +at a point ahead of Jonah, the latter would never know that we had +passed him. If... + +I began to hope very much that my wife knew the plan of Marmande rather +better than I. + +Through the dusk I could see that the street we were using ran on to a +bridge. It was there, I supposed, that we should turn to the left.... + +To my horror, Adèle thrust on to the bridge at an increased pace. + +"A-aren't you going to turn?" I stammered. "I mean, we'll never----" + +"I said the road was tricky," said Adèle, "but I hardly dared to hope +they'd make such a bad mistake." We sailed off the bridge and on to a +beautiful road. "Ah, this is more like it. I don't know where Jonah's +going, _but this is the way to Pau_.... And now I think it'll be safe +to have the lights on. You might look behind first to see if they're +coming. You see, if they'd seen us go by, the game would have been up. +As it is..." + + * * * * * + +At half-past seven that evening we drove into Pau. + +Arrived at our villa, we put the car away and hurried indoors. + +It was almost eight o'clock when Ping discharged his passengers upon +the front steps. + +In silence and from the landing we watched them enter the hall. + +When they were all inside, I released Nobby. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +HOW A GOLDEN CALF WAS SET UP, AND NOBBY SHOWED HIMSELF A TRUE PROPHET + +Five fat weeks had rolled by since Adèle had eased Jonah of sixty +pounds, and the Antoinette ring we had given her to commemorate the +feat was now for the first time in danger of suffering an eclipse. In +a word, a new star had arisen. + +"I dreamed about it," said Daphne. "I knew I should." + +I knitted my brows. + +"I wish," said I, "I could share your enthusiasm." + +"Ah, but you haven't seen it." + +"I know, but I don't even want to. If you'd come back raving about a +piece of furniture or a jewel or a picture, I should have been +interested. But a shawl... A shawl leaves me cold." + +"I agree," said Jonah. "I've learned to appear attentive to the +description of a frock. I keep a special indulgent smile for the +incoherence inspired by a hat. But when you pipe to me the praises of +a shawl--well, I'm unable to dance." + +"Wait till you see it," said Adèle. "Besides, there were some lovely +rugs." + +"That's better," said I. "I like a good rug." + +"Well, these were glorious," said Jill. "They had the most lovely +sheen. But, of course, the shawl..." + +"If anyone," said Jonah, "says that ugly word again, I shall scream." + +It was half-past nine of a very beautiful morning, and we were +breakfasting. + +The last two days had been wet. In the night, however, the clouds had +disappeared, leaving the great sky flawless, an atmosphere so rare as +tempted shy Distance to approach, and the mountains in all the powdered +glory of their maiden snow. + +Seventy miles of magic--that is what Pau stares at. For the Pyrenees, +viewed from this royal box, are purely magical. They do not rise so +high--eleven thousand feet, as mountains go, is nothing wonderful. +There is no might nor majesty about them--distant some thirty odd +miles. They are just an exquisite wall, well and truly laid, and +carved with that careless cunning of the great Artificer into the +likeness of some screen in Heaven. + +Where, then, is the magic? Listen. These mountains are never the +same. To-day they are very nigh; to-morrow they will stand farther +than you have ever seen them. On Monday they will lie a mere ridge +above the foot-hills; on Tuesday they will be towering, so that you +must lift up your eyes to find the summits. But yesterday you +marvelled at their stablishment; this morning they will be floating +above the world. One week the clear-cut beauty of their lines and +curves gladdens your heart; the next, a mocking mystery of soft blurred +battlements will tease your vision. Such shifting sorcery is never +stale. Light, shade, and atmosphere play such fantastic tricks with +Pau's fair heritage that the grey town, curled comfortably in the +sunshine upon her plateau's edge, looks not on one, but upon many +prospects. The pageant of the Pyrenees is never done. + +As for the wedding garment which they had put on in the night--it made +us all late for breakfast. + +The door opened to admit Berry. + +The look of resignation upon his face and the silence in which he took +his seat where highly eloquent. + +There was no need to ask what was the matter. We knew. Big with the +knowledge, we waited upon the edge of laughter. + +As he received his coffee-- + +"I'm not going on like this," he said shortly. "It's insanitary." + +Adèle's lips twitched, and Jill put a hand to her mouth. + +"I can't think how it is," said Daphne. "Mine was all right." + +"Of course it was," retorted her husband. "So was Adèle's. So was +Jill's. By the time you three nymphs are through, there's no hot water +left." + +"That," said I, "is where the geyser comes in. The agent was at some +pains to point out that it was an auxiliary." + +"Was he, indeed?" said Berry. "Well, if he'd been at some pains to +point out that it leaked, stank, became white-hot, and was generally +about the finest labour-wasting device ever invented, he'd 've been +nearer the mark. If he'd added that it wasn't a geyser at all, but a +cross between a magic lantern and a money-box----" + +"Knack," said Jonah. "That's all it needs. You haven't got the hang +of it yet." + +The savagery with which my brother-in-law attacked a roll was almost +frightening. + +"W-why money-box?" said Jill tremulously. + +"Because," said Berry, "it has to be bribed to devil you. Until you've +put ten centimes in the metre, you don't get any gas. It's a pretty +idea." + +Adèle began to shake with laughter. + +"You must have done something wrong," said I. + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"Provided," he said, "that you are fairly active and physically fit, +you can't go wrong. But it's a strain on one's sanity.... No, I don't +think I'll have any omelet. They're so impatient." + +I decided to apply the spur. + +"But the agent showed us exactly----" + +"Look here," said Berry, "you enter that bathroom, clothed--after a +fashion--and in your right mind. Then you leave it for some matches. +On your return you turn on the gas. After wasting four matches, you +laugh pleasantly, put on your dressing-gown again, and go about the +house asking everyone for a ten-centime piece... This you place in the +slot. Then you go out again and try to remember where you put the +matches. By the time you're back, the whole room is full of gas, so +you open the window wide and clean your teeth to fill up the time. +Long before it's safe you strike another match. The thing lights with +an explosion that shortens your life.... In about two minutes it emits +a roaring sound and begins to shake all over. By now all the taps are +red-hot, and, by the time you've burnt yourself to hell, you're +wondering whether, if you start at once, you'll have time to leave the +house before the thing bursts. Finally, you knock the gas off with the +cork mat.... + +"After a decent interval you start again. This time you turn on the +water first. Stone cold, of course. When you've used enough gas to +roast an ox, you hope like anything and reduce the flow." He paused to +pass a hand wearily across his eyes. "Have you ever seen Vesuvius in +eruption?" he added. "I admit no rocks were discharged--at least, I +didn't see any. There may be some in the bath. I didn't wait to +look.... Blinded by the steam, deafened by the noise, you make a rush +for the door. This seems to have been moved. You feel all over the +walls, like a madman. In the frenzy of despair--it's astonishing how +one clings to life--you hurl yourself at the bath and turn on both +taps.... As if by magic the steam disappears, the roaring subsides, +and two broad streams of pure cold water issue, like crystal founts, +into the bath. Now you know why I'm so jolly this morning." + +With tears running down her cheeks-- + +"You must have a bath in the dressing-room," wailed Daphne. "The +others do." + +"I won't," said Berry. "It faces North." + +"Then you must have it at night." + +"Not to-night," I interposed. "Nobby's bagged it." + +With the laugh of a maniac, my brother-in-law requested that the facts +should be laid before the Sealyham, and the latter desired to waive his +rights. + +"Of course," he concluded, "if you want me to become verminous, just +say so." + +There was a shriek of laughter. + +"And now be quick," said Daphne, "or we shall be late for the meet. +And I particularly want to see Sally." + +Sarah Featherstone was the possessor of the coveted shawl. + +We had met her by chance upon the boulevard two days before. No one of +us had had any idea that she was not in Ireland, whither she had +retired upon her marriage, and where her passion for hunting kept her +most of the year, and when we learned that she had already spent six +months in the Pyrenees, and would be at Pau all the winter, we could +hardly believe our ears. Her little son, it appeared, had been ailing, +and the air of the Pyrenees was to make him well. So their summer had +been passed in the mountains, and, with three good hunters from +Ireland, the winter was to be supported under the shadow of the healing +hills. + +"It hurts me to think of Ireland, but I'm getting to love this place. +I want the rain on my face sometimes, and the earth doesn't smell so +sweet; but the sun's a godsend--I've never seen it before--and the air +makes me want to shout. Oh, I've got a lot to be thankful for. +Peter's put on a stone and a half to date, George'll be out for +Christmas, and, now that you've come to stay..." + +We were all glad of Sarah--till yesterday. + +Now, however, she had set up a golden calf, which our womenkind were +worshipping out of all reason and convenience. + +At the mention of the false prophet's name, Jonah and I pushed back our +chairs. + +"Don't leave me," said Berry, "I know what's coming. I had it last +night until I fell asleep. Then that harpy"--he nodded at +Daphne--"dared to rouse me out of a most refreshing slumber to ask me +whether I thought 'the Chinese did both sides at once or one after the +other.' With my mind running on baths, I said they probably began on +their feet and washed upwards. By the time the misunderstanding had +been cleared up, I was thoroughly awake and remained in a hideous and +agonising condition of sleepless lassitude for the space of one hour. +The tea came sharp at half-past seven, and the shawl rolled up twenty +seconds later. I tell you I'm sick of the blasted comforter." + +A squall of indignation succeeded this blasphemy. + +When order had been restored-- + +"Any way," said Jill, "Sally says the sailor who sold it her 'll be +back with some more things next month, and she's going to send him +here. He only comes twice a year, and----" + +"Isn't it curious," said Jonah, "how a sailor never dies at sea?" + +"Most strange," said Berry. "The best way will be to ask him to stay +here. Then he can have a bath in the morning, and we can bury him +behind the garage." + + * * * * * + +With that confident accuracy which waits upon a player only when it is +uncourted, Jill cracked her ball across the six yards of turf and into +the hole. + +"Look at that," said Adèle. + +Jonah raised his eyes to heaven. + +"And the game," he said, "means nothing to her. It never has. Years +ago she and I got into the final at Hunstanton. She put me dead on the +green at the thirteenth, and I holed out. When I turned round to say +we were three up, she wasn't there. Eventually I found her looking for +her iron. She'd laid it down, to start on a daisy chain." + +"I only put it down for a second," protested Jill, "and you must admit +the daisies were simply huge." + +"What happened?" said Adèle, bubbling. + +"The daisy chain won us the match. She was much more interested in the +former, and actually continued its fabrication between her shots." + +We passed to the next tee. + +As I was addressing the ball-- + +"Don't top it," said Jill. + +"Have I been topping them to-day?". + +"No, Boy. Only do be careful. I believe there's a lark's nest down +there, and it'd be a shame----" + +"There you are," said Jonah. + +"Now," said I, "I'm dead certain to top it." + +"Well, then, drive more to the right," said Jill. "After all, it's +only a game." + +"I'll take your word for it," said I. + +Of course, I topped the ball, but at the next hole my grey-eyed cousin +discovered that our caddie had a puppy in his pocket, so we won easily. + +As we made for the club-house-- + +"Only ten days to Christmas," said Adèle. "Can you believe me?" + +"With an effort," said I. "It's almost too hot to be true." + +Indeed, it might have been a June morning. + +The valley was sleepy beneath the mid-day sun; the slopes of the +sheltering foot-hills looked warm and comfortable; naked but unashamed, +the woods were smiling; southward, a long flash spoke of the sunlit +peaks and the dead march of snow; and there, a league away, grey Pau +was basking contentedly, her decent crinoline of villas billowing about +her sides, lazily looking down on such a fuss and pother as might have +bubbled out of the pot of Revolution, but was, in fact, the hospitable +rite daily observed on the arrival of the Paris train. + +"I simply must get some presents," continued my wife. "We'll start +to-morrow." + +I groaned. + +"You can't get anything here," I protested. "And people don't expect +presents when you're in the South of France." + +"That's just when they do," said Adèle. "All your friends consider +that it's a chance in a lifetime, and, if you don't take it, they never +forgive you." + +"Well, I haven't got any friends," said I. "So that's that. And you +used to tell me you had very few." + +"Ah," said Adèle, "that was before we were engaged. That was to excite +your sympathy." + +I appealed to my cousins for support. + +"Nothing doing," said Jonah. "If you didn't want this sort of thing, +what did you marry for? For longer than I can remember you've seen +your brother-in-law led off like an ox to the shambles--he's there +now--financially crippled, and then compelled to tie up and address +innumerable parcels, for the simple reason that, when they're at the +shops Daphne's faculty of allotment invariably refuses to function." + +Jill slid an arm through her brother's, patted his hand affectionately, +and looked at Adèle. + +"If Boy breaks down," she said sweetly, "I'll lend you my ox. He's +simply splendid at parcels." + +"You've got to find something to do up first," said I. "This isn't +Paris." + +A colour was lent to my foreboding within the hour. + +As we sat down to luncheon-- + +"Yes," said Berry, "my vixen and I have spent a delightful morning. +We've been through fourteen shops and bought two amethyst necklets and +a pot of marmalade. I subsequently dropped the latter in the Place +Royale, so we're actually twelve down." + +"Whereabouts in the Place Royale?" I inquired. + +"Just outside the Club. Everybody I knew was either going in or coming +out, so it went very well indeed." + +There was a gust of laughter. + +"N-not on the pavement?" whimpered Jill. + +"On the pavement," said Daphne. "It was dreadful. I never was so +ashamed. Of course I begged him to pick it up before it ran out. +D'you think he'd do it? Not he. Said it was written, and it was no +good fighting against Fate, and that he'd rather wash his hands of it +than after it, and that sort of stuff. Then Nobby began to lick it +up.... But for Fitch, I think we should have been arrested. +Mercifully, we'd told him to wait for us by the bandstand, and he saw +the whole thing." + +"It's all very fine," said her husband. "It was I who furnished and +suggested the use of the current issue of _Le Temps_, and, without +that, Fitch couldn't have moved. As it was, one sheet made a shroud, +another a pall, and Nobby's beard and paws were appropriately wiped +upon the ever-burning scandal of 'Reparations.'" + +"I gather," said Jonah, "that the dissolution of the preserve turned an +indifferent success into a howling failure. Of course, I haven't seen +the necklets but..." + +"I can't pretend it's easy," said Daphne. "It isn't that there aren't +any shops----" + +"No," said Berry emphatically, "it isn't that." + +"--but somehow... Still, if we go on long enough, we shall find +something." + +"That's it," said her husband. "We're going to put our backs into it +this afternoon. After we've done another twelve shops without buying +anything, we're going to have police protection. Not that we need it, +you know, but it'll improve my morale." + +"If only Sally was here," said Jill, "she could have told us where to +go." + +"If only her sailor would turn up," said Adèle, "we might be able to +get all our presents from him." + +"That's an idea," said Jonah. "What was the merchant's name?" + +Amid a buzz of excitement, Daphne sent for the letter which had +announced Sarah Featherstone's departure from Pau. When it arrived, +she read the material portion aloud. + + +"_... George, can't get away, so Peter and I are going home for +Christmas. We'll be back the first week in January. I've told the +Marats that if Planchet (the sailor who sold me the shawl, etc.) turns +up before I get back, he's to be sent on to you. If he's got anything +extra-special that you're not keen on, you might get it for me..._" + + +"Well, I never thought I should live to say it," said Berry, "but, +after what I've gone through this morning, if Planchet were to totter +in this afternoon, laden with at once cheap and pretentious goods, I +should fall upon his bull neck." + +"Who," said I, "are the Marats?" + +"They're the married couple who run the flat. I believe they're +wonderful. Sally says she never knew what service was before." + +"I do hope," said Jill, twittering, "they don't make any mistake." + +"I've no fear of that," said Adèle. "I can't answer for the man, +because we didn't see him, but Madame Marat's no fool." + +"Incidentally," said I, "it's one thing giving Planchet our address, +but it's quite another persuading him to fetch up. He may have other +sheep to shear." + +"We can only pray that he hasn't," said Daphne. "It's too much to +expect him to have another shawl, but I should like the first pick of +what he has." + +Berry regarded his wife. + +"If," he said, "you will swear to select from his wares all the +blinkin' presents with which you propose to signalise this Yuletide, +I'll--I'll tie them all up without a word." + +"Same here," said I. "Our gifts will cost us more, but we shall live +the longer." + +"Ditto," said Jonah. + +The girls agreed cheerfully, and, before luncheon was over, it had been +decided to give Planchet three days in which to make his appearance, +and that, if he had not arrived by that time, then and then only should +we resort to the shops. + +Less than an hour had elapsed, and we were just about to make ready to +take the air by the simple expedient of proceeding at a high speed in +the direction of Biarritz, when Falcon entered the room. + +"There's an individual, madam, 'as come to the door----" + +"Planchet? Is it Planchet?" + +"I'm afraid I can 'ardly say, madam, but 'e 'as this address upon a +piece of note-paper, madam, and----" + +"All right, Falcon, I'll come." + +The butler's valiant endeavours to cope with the heritage of Babel were +better known to us than he imagined. More than once his efforts to +extract from strangers that information which was his due, and at the +same time, like a juggler of many parts, to keep the balls of Dignity +and Courtesy rolling, had been overheard, and had afforded us +gratification so pronounced as to necessitate the employment of +cushions and other improvised gags if our faithful servant's feelings +were to come to no harm. + +"I'll go," said Jill and Adèle simultaneously. + +We all went, and we were all just in time to see our visitor precede +the Sealyham in the direction of the lodge. + +Aghast at such ill-timed pleasantry, we erupted pellmell into the +drive, all frantic by word or deed to distract the terrier from his +purpose. Shrieks, curses, and a copy of _La Fontaine's Fables_ were +hurled simultaneously and in vain at our favourite, and it was Berry, +to whom the fear of further acquaintance with the emporiums of Pau must +have lent wings, who actually overtook and discomfited the pursuer some +three yards from the road. + +It was with feelings of inexpressible relief that we presently beheld +the three returning--Berry alternately rebuking the Sealyham, who was +under his arm, and apologising to his guest, the latter wide-eyed, +something out of breath, and anything but easy, and Nobby apparently +torn between an aggressively affectionate regard for his captor and a +still furiously expressed suspicion of the stranger within our gates. + +As the trio drew nigh-- + +"It is Monsieur Planchet," called Berry. "He's brought some things for +us to see. His man's behind with a barrow." + +With beating hearts we trooped back into the house.... + +As I returned from thrusting Nobby into a bedroom, Monsieur Planchet's +hireling staggered into the hall, a gigantic basket-trunk poised +precariously upon his hunched shoulders. + +The inspection was held in the drawing-room. + +It was rather late in the day to assume that nonchalant air which has, +from time immemorial, adorned the armouries of all accomplished +hucksters. + +Our instant recognition of the salesman, our energetic solicitude for +his safety, and our obvious anxiety to dissociate ourselves from the +policy of direct action adopted by the terrier, had not only betrayed, +but emphasised, the fact that the sailor's arrival was very much to our +taste. Clearly, if we did not wish to pay through the nose for what we +purchased, our only course was to feign disappointment when the wares +were produced. + +For what it was worth I circulated a covert recommendation of this +wile, which was acknowledged with sundry nods and inaudible +assurances--the latter, so far as Jill was concerned, too readily given +to inspire me with confidence. + +Sure enough, when the lid of the trunk was lifted, and Planchet plucked +forth a truly exquisite rug and flung it dexterously across a chair, my +grey-eyed cousin let out a gasp which an infant in arms could not have +misinterpreted. + +There was only one thing to be done, and Daphne did it. + +With a heroic disregard for her reputation, she shook her head. + +"Too bright," she said shortly. "Don't you think so?" she added, +turning to Berry. + +The latter swallowed before replying. + +"It's positively gaudy," he said gloomily. + +Planchet shrugged his shoulders and began to unfasten a bale.... + +By the time seven more Persian rugs--all old and all more than +ordinarily pleasing in design and colouring--were sprawling about the +chamber, any organised depreciation was out of the question. Where all +were so beautiful, it required a larger output of moral courage than +any one of us could essay to decry the whole pack. By way of doing his +or her bit, everybody decided to praise one or two to the implied +condemnation of the remainder. In the absence of collusion, it was +inevitable that those rugs which somebody had thus branded as goats +should invariably include somebody else's sheep. The result was that +every single rug had its following. A glance at their owner, who was +standing aside, making no offer to commend his carpets, but fingering +his chin and watching us narrowly with quick-moving eyes, showed that +he was solely engaged in considering how much he dared ask. + +I moved across to him. + +"You only come here twice a year?" I inquired. + +"That is so, _Monsieur_." + +"And how do you get these things? By barter?" + +"Yes, _Monsieur_." + +After a little encouragement, he explained that before each voyage he +laid in a stock of knives, gramophones, mirrors, trinkets, and the +like, these to exchange with the natives in the bazaars of the smaller +Eastern ports at which his ship touched. From Bordeaux he used to set +out, and to Bordeaux he as regularly returned. An aunt dwelling at Pau +was responsible for his selection of the town as a market for his +goods. I should not have taken him for a sailor, and said as much. +With a shy smile, he confessed that he was a steward, adding that he +was a landsman at heart, and that, but for the opportunities of trading +which his occupation presented he should go to sea no more. + +Suddenly-- + +"What else have you got?" said Daphne. + +Six panels of Chinese embroidery--all powder-blue and gold, 'laborious +Orient ivories,' a gorgeous hanging that had been the coat of a proud +mandarin, three Chinese mats, aged and flawless, a set of silken +doilies--each one displaying a miniature landscape limned with a +subtlety that baffled every eye--one by one these treasures were laid +before us. + +Even Jonah went down before the ivories. + +Ere the trunk was empty, we had, one and all, dropped our masks and +were revelling openly. + +"Now, isn't that beautiful?" "Sally's got a ball like that, but it +isn't so big." "It's just as well she's in Ireland, or we shouldn't +have had those mats." "You know, that rug on the chair's a devilish +fine one." "They all are." "Yes, but that--my dear fellow, it's the +sort of rug they put in the window and refuse to sell, because it's +such an advertisement." "I'll tell you what, if we had those panels +made into curtains, they'd look simply priceless in the drawing-room." +"Give me the ivories." + +It was Adèle who pulled the check-string. + +"What's the price of this rug?" she said quietly. + +There was an expectant and guilty hush. + +With a careless flourish we had called the tune--clamoured for it.... +If the piper's fee was exorbitant, we had only ourselves to thank. + +Planchet hesitated. Then-- + +"Five hundred francs, _Madame_." + +Ten pounds. + +You could have heard a pin drop. + +The rug was worth sixty. In Regent Street or Fifth Avenue we should +have been asked a hundred. If this was typical of Planchet's prices, +no wonder Sally had plunged.... + +I took out a pencil and picked up a pad of notepaper. + +"And the other rugs?" I inquired. + +"The same price, _Monsieur_." + +The rugs went down. + +Slowly, and without a shadow of argument, the prices of the other +valuables were asked, received, and entered. + +With a shaking hand I counted up the figures--eight thousand six +hundred francs. + +I passed the paper to Berry. + +"Will you pay him?" I said. "I haven't got enough at the bank here, +and you can't expect him to take a foreign cheque." + +"Right oh!" + +"He may not want to part with them all at one house," said Daphne. +"You'd better ask him." + +Adèle smiled very charmingly. + +"We like your pretty things very much," she said. "May we have what +you've shown us?" + +Planchet inclined his head. + +"As _Madame_ pleases." + +I crossed to where he was standing and went through my list, +identifying each article as I came to it, and making him confirm the +price. When we had finished, I insisted upon him checking my figures. +He did so with some show of reluctance. The total, seemingly, was good +enough. + +When the reckoning was over, I hesitated. + +Then-- + +"You know," I said slowly, "we'd have to pay much more than this in the +shops." + +It seemed only fair. + +Planchet spread out his hands. + +"_Monsieur_ is very kind: but for me, I should not obtain more from the +merchants. I know them. They are robbers. I prefer infinitely to +deal with you." + +"All right. You don't mind a cheque?" + +"A cheque, _Monsieur_?" + +"Yes, on the bank here. We haven't so much money in the house." + +The little man hesitated. Nervously the big brown eyes turned from me +to fall upon his possessions.... + +"That's all right," said Berry. "The bank's still open. Fitch can run +up in the car and get the money. He's probably had a dud cheque some +time or other. Anyway, considering he knows nothing of us, and Sally's +out of reach, I don't blame him." + +Such a way out of the difficulty was unanimously approved, and when I +communicated our intention to Planchet, the latter seemed greatly +relieved. It was not, he explained volubly, that he did not trust us, +but when a poor sailor produced such a cheque to a bank.... + +As Berry left to give the chauffeur his instructions-- + +"Last time you came," said Daphne, "you brought a beautiful shawl. +Mrs. Featherstone bought it." + +Planchet frowned thoughtfully. Then his face lighted with recollection. + +"Perfectly, _Madame_. I remember it. It was very fine. I have +another like it at home." + +My sister caught her breath. + +"For sale?" + +"If _Madame pleases_." Adèle and Jill clasped one another. "I will +bring it to-morrow." + +With an obvious effort Daphne controlled her excitement. + +"I--we should like to have a look at it," she said. + +Planchet inclined his head. + +"To-morrow morning, _Madame_." + +Without more ado he packed up his traps, announced that, as he was +returning on the morrow, there was now no occasion for him to wait for +his money, and, thanking us profusely for our patronage and assuring us +that he was ever at our service, summoned his employee and withdrew +humbly enough. + +It was fully a quarter of an hour before the first wave of our pent-up +enthusiasm had spent itself. After a positive debauch of +self-congratulation, amicable bickering with regard to the precise +order of precedence in which an antiquary would place our acquisitions, +and breathless speculation concerning their true worth, we sank into +sitting postures about the room and smiled affectionately upon one +another. + +"And now," said Berry, "what about tying them up?" + +"What for?" said Jill. + +"Well, you can't send them through the post as they are." + +"You don't imagine," said Daphne, in the horrified tone of one who +repeats a blasphemy, "you don't imagine that we're going to give these +things away?" + +Berry looked round wildly. + +"D'you mean to say you're going to keep them?" he cried. + +"Of course we are," said his wife. + +"What, all of them?" + +My sister nodded. + +"Every single one," she said. + +With an unearthly shriek, Berry lay back in his chair and drummed with +his heels upon the floor. + +"I can't bear it!" he roared. "I can't bear it! I won't. It's +insufferable. I've parted with the savings of a lifetime for a whole +roomful of luxuries, not one of which, in the ordinary way, we should +have dreamed of purchasing, not one of which we require, to not one of +which, had you seen it in a shop, you would have given a second +thought, all of which are probably spurious----" + +"Shame!" cried Jill. + +"----only to be told that I've still got to prosecute the mutually +revolting acquaintance with infuriated shopkeepers forced upon me this +morning. It's cruelty to animals, and I shall write to the Y.M.C.A. +Besides, it's more blessed----" + +"I can't help it," said Daphne. "The man had absolutely nothing that +would have done for anybody. If----" + +"One second," said her husband. "I haven't parsed that sentence yet. +And what d'you mean by 'done for'? Because----" + +"If," Daphne continued doggedly, "we sent one of those rugs to someone +for Christmas, they'd think we'd gone mad." + +Berry sighed. + +"I'm not sure we haven't," he said. "Any way--" he nodded at Jonah and +myself--"I'll trouble each of you gents for a cheque for sixty pounds. +As it is, I shall have to give up paying my tailor again, and what with +Lent coming on..." Wearily he rose to his feet. "And now I'm going to +have a good healthy cry. Globules the size of pigeons' eggs will well +from my orbs." + +"I know," said Jill. "These things can be our Christmas presents to +one another." + +Berry laughed hysterically. + +"What a charming idea!" he said brokenly. "And how generous! I shall +always treasure it. Every time I look at my pass-book..." + +Overcome with emotion he stepped out of the room. + +A muffled bark reminded me that Nobby was still imprisoned, and I rose +to follow my brother-in-law. + +As I was closing the door, I heard my wife's voice. + +"You know, I'm simply pining to see that shawl." + + * * * * * + +At ten o'clock the next morning the most beautiful piece of embroidery +I have ever seen passed into our possession in return for the +ridiculously inadequate sum of two thousand francs. + +Obviously very old, the pale yellow silk of which the shawl was made +was literally strewn with blossoms, each tender one of them a work of +art. All the matchless cunning, all the unspeakable patience, all the +inscrutable spirit of China blinked and smiled at you out of those +wonderful flowers. There never was such a show. Daring walked +delicately. Daintiness was become bold. Those that wrought the +marvel--for so magnificent an artifice was never the work of one +man--were painters born--painters whose paints were threads of silk, +whose brushes, needles. Year after year they had toiled upon these +twenty-five square feet of faded silk, and always perfectly. The thing +was a miracle--the blazing achievement of a reachless ideal. + +Upon both lovely sides the work was identical: the knotted +fringe--itself bewildering evidence of faultless labour--was three feet +deep, and while the whole shawl could have been passed through a +bracelet, it scaled the remarkable weight of nearly six pounds. + +Daphne, Adèle, and Jill with one voice declared that it was finer than +Sally's. As for Berry, Jonah, and myself, we humbly withdrew such +adverse criticism as we had levelled at the latter, and derived an +almost childish glee from the possession of its fellow. + +It was, indeed, our joy over this latest requisition that stiffened +into resolution an uneasy feeling that we ought to give Sally a slice +of our luck. + +After considerable discussion we decided to make her a present of the +three Chinese mats. She had bought three of Planchet upon his last +visit, and those we had just purchased would bring her set up to six. +Lest we should repent our impulse, we did them up there and then and +sent them off by Fitch the same afternoon. + + * * * * * + +Christmas was over and gone. + +In the three days immediately preceding the festival, such popularity +with the tradesmen of the town as we had forfeited was more than +redeemed at the expense, so far as I was concerned, of an overdraft at +the bank. Absurdly handsome presents were purchased right and left. +Adèle's acquaintance was extremely wide. Observing that it was also in +every instance domiciled in the United States, with the density of a +male I ventured to point out that upon the day which my wife's presents +were intended to enrich, all of them would indubitably be lying in the +custody of the French postal authorities. Thereupon it was gently +explained to me that, so long as a parcel had been obviously posted +before Christmas, its contents were always considered to have arrived +"in time"--a conceit which I had hitherto imagined to be the property +of bookmakers alone. In short, from first to last, my wife was +inexorable. But for the spectacle of Berry and Jonah being +relentlessly driven along the same track, life would have lost its +savour. Indeed, as far as we three were concerned, most of the working +hours of Christmas Eve were spent at the post office. + +The registration of a postal packet in France is no laughing matter. +When a coloured form has to be obtained, completed, and deliberately +scrutinised before a parcel can be accepted, when there is only one +pen, where there are twenty-seven people in front of you--each with two +or more packages to be registered--when there is only one registration +clerk, when mental arithmetic is not that clerk's _forte_, when it is +the local custom invariably to question the accuracy first of the +postage demanded and then of the change received, when the atmosphere +of the post office is germane to poison-gas, and when, you are bearing +twelve parcels and leading a Sealyham, the act of registration and its +preliminaries are conducive to heart-failure. + +The miniature of herself, however, with which my wife presented me on +Christmas Day atoned for everything.... + +And now--Christmas was over and gone. + +The New Year, too, had come in with a truly French explosion of +merriment and good-will. + +It was, in fact, the fourth day of January, and, with the exception of +my cousins, who were upon the links, we were proceeding gingerly down +the Rue du Lycée, en route for Lourdes, when my sister gave a cry and +called upon me to stop. + +As I did so, I saw Mrs. Featherstone stepping towards us across the +open space which fronts the market. + +Berry climbed out of the dickey, and Adèle and Daphne got out of the +car. + +As I followed them-- + +"Sally, my dear," said Daphne, "I never knew you were back." + +"I wasn't, till this morning," panted Sally. "I only arrived at eight. +For the last three hours I've been----" + +"Before you tell us anything," said Daphne, "we want to thank you. +Since you've been away, Planchet's been. He's sold us the most lovely +things I've ever seen. We're so grateful to you, we don't know what to +do." + +"Well, for goodness' sake," rejoined Sally, "insure them to-day. I've +just been cleaned out of everything I've got." + +"Cleaned out?" cried Daphne. "D'you mean to say you've been robbed?" + +"That's right," said Sally. "Peter and I got back this morning to find +the Marats gone and the place stripped. Of course, the furniture +belonging to the flat's there, but the only decent things were what I'd +added, and those have vanished." + +"Not all the things you got from Planchet?" + +"Rather," said Sally. "Shawl and everything. Jolly, isn't it?" + +"What an awful shame!" cried Adèle. "But who's taken them? Not the +Marats?" + +"Must be," said Mrs. Featherstone. She nodded over her shoulder. +"I've just been to the police about it, but you know how hopeless they +are." + +"If I can do anything," said Berry, "you know I'd only be too happy..." + +"Thanks awfully," was the reply, "but to tell you the truth, I don't +see what there is to be done. As far as I can make out, they left +before Christmas, so they've got a pretty good start." + +"I'm terribly sorry," said I. "Of course I never saw the goods, but, +if they were anything like the things we bought, it's a cruel shame." + +Mrs. Featherstone laughed. + +"I do feel sore," she admitted. "The maddening part of it is, I meant +to take the shawl home to show George, and then, in the rush at the +last, I left it out." She turned to my sister. "And you know I +trusted that couple implicitly." + +"I know you did." + +"The queer thing is, they seem to have suffered one solitary pang of +remorse. Did I show you those Chinese mats I was so crazy about? +Well, after they'd gone, I suppose, their hearts smote them, because +they did the three up and sent them back." + +For a moment we looked at one another. + +Then-- + +"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Sally," said Daphne gently, "but you +mustn't give the brutes that credit. We sent you the mats as a +Christmas present." Sally knitted her brows. "They're not yours. We +bought them from Planchet. Directly I saw them, I thought how +beautifully they'd match yours, and we wanted you to have a set." + +Sally stared at her. + +"But I could have sworn-----" + +"I know," said Daphne. "It was because they were such a wonderful +match that we----" + +"What else did he sell you?" + +A sudden thought came to me, and I turned to catch Berry by the arm.... +As men in a film, he and I looked at one another with open mouths.... + +Sublimely unconscious. Daphne and Adèle were reciting the list of our +treasures. + +Mrs. Featherstone heard them out solemnly. Then-- + +"And what," she said, "does Planchet look like?" + +It became Daphne's turn to stare. + +I moistened my lips. + +"Slight, dark, clean-shaven, large brown eyes, nervous manner, scar on +the left temple--_or am I describing Marat?_" + +Sally spread out her hands. + +"To the life," she said simply. + +There was a dreadful silence. + +At length-- + +"'Sold,'" I said slowly. "'By order of the trustees. Owner going +abroad.' Marat was with you when you bought them, of course? But what +a smart bit of work!" + +Sally covered her face and began to shake with laughter. Daphne and +Adèle stared at her as if bewitched. + +At his third attempt to speak-- + +"Well, that's topping," said Berry. "And now will you come back and +get your things now, or shall we bring them over to-morrow? We've +taken every care of them." He sighed. "When I think," he added, +"that, but for my good offices, Nobby would have sent that treacherous +drawlatch away, not only empty, but with the modern equivalent of a +flea in his ear, I could writhe. When I reflect that it was I who +supported the swine's predilection for hard cash, I could scream. But +when I remember that ever since our purchase of the shawl, my wife has +never once stopped enumerating and/or indicating the many superiorities +which distinguish it from yours, I want to break something." He looked +round savagely. "Where's a grocer's?" he demanded. "I want some +marmalade." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +HOW BERRY MADE AN ENGAGEMENT, JILL A PICTURE, AND ADÈLE A SLIP OF SOME +IMPORTANCE + +A natural result of our traffic with Planchet was that we became +temporarily suspicious and careful to a fault. The horse had been +stolen. For the next three weeks we locked not only the stable door, +but every single door to which a key could be fitted--and suffered +accordingly. In a word, our convenience writhed. To complete our +discomfort, if ever one of us jibbed, the others were sure to lay the +lash about his shoulders. The beginning of the end arrived one fine +February day. + +An early breakfast had made us ready for lunch. As we were taking our +seats-- + +"Are the cars locked?" said Daphne. + +Adèle held up a key. + +"Pong is," she said. + +My sister fumed to Jonah. + +"And Ping?" + +My cousin shook his head. + +"No," he said shortly. "I omitted the precaution. If this was Paris, +instead of Pau, if the cars were standing in an undesirable +thoroughfare, instead of in the courtyard of the English Club, if----" + +"It's all very well," said Daphne, "but you know what happened to the +Rolls." + +Berry frowned. + +"Any reference," he said, "to that distressing incident is bad for my +heart." He turned to Jonah. "As for you, you've lodged your protest, +which will receive the deepest consideration. I shall dwell upon it +during the soup. And now push off and lock the vehicle. I know Love +laughs at locksmiths, but the average motor-thief's sense of humour is +less susceptible." + +When his sister threw her entreaties into the scale, my cousin took the +line of least resistance and rose to his feet. + +"For converting a qualified blessing into an unqualified curse," he +said bitterly, "you three alarmists take the complete cracknel. Since +the locks were fitted, I've done nothing but turn the key from morning +till night. Before the beastly things were thought of, the idea of +larceny never entered your heads." + +The indignation with which his words were received would have been more +pronounced if we had had the room to ourselves. As it was, Jonah made +his way to the door amid an enraged murmur of expostulation, whose +temper was aggravated by suppression almost to bursting-point. + +There was much to be said for both points of view. + +It was a fact that since the theft of the Rolls we had never felt easy +about leaving a car unattended. Yet, though we had often discussed the +matter, nothing had been done. Now, however, that we were in a strange +country, where the tracing of a stolen car would, for a variety of +reasons, be an extremely difficult undertaking, and staying withal only +a handful of miles from the Spanish frontier, we all felt that action +of some sort must be taken without delay. + +An attempt to enlist the services of the Sealyham as a custodian had +failed ignominiously. In the first place, unless fastened, he had +flatly declined to stay with either of the cars. The expedient of +closing one of these altogether and leaving Nobby within had proved +quite as unsatisfactory and more humiliating. Had we been able to +eradicate from the dog's mind the conviction that he was being +wrongfully imprisoned, the result might have been different. As it +was, after barking furiously for five minutes, he had recourse to +reprisal and, hardly waiting to remove the paper in which it was +wrapped, devoured half a kilogramme of ripe Brie with a revengeful +voracity to which the condition of the interior of the car bore hideous +witness. Finally, when the urchin who was in our confidence, and had +engaged for the sum of five francs to endeavour to enter the car, +opened its door, the captive leaped out joyously and, after capering +with delight at his delivery, wiped his mouth enthusiastically upon a +tire and started on a reconnaissance of the neighbourhood in the hope +of encountering his gaolers. As for the car, our employee might have +driven it into the blue.... + +In the end, it was decided that a lock attached to the steering-column +would offer the best security. Accordingly, a device was sent for, +fitted to each of the cars, and proved. So far as we could see, there +was no fault in it. Once the key was withdrawn, the car concerned was +useless. It could be driven, certainly, but it could not be steered. +Indeed, short of getting it upon a trolley or taking 'the steering' +down, its asportation could not be compassed. + +New brooms sweep clean. + +Delighted with the realisation that theft could now be erased from the +list of terrors of motoring, the girls insisted upon the observance of +the new rite upon every possible occasion. As drivers of long +standing, Jonah and I found this eagerness hard to indulge. Use holds, +and, try as we would, it was absurdly difficult to remember to do as we +had never done before, whenever we evacuated a car. Often enough, as +now, it was a work of supererogation. + +Berry turned to me. + +"I observe," he said, "that for once you have not advanced your +opinion. Is this because you realise that it's valueless? Or won't +your mouth work?" + +"Jonah was right," said I. "Insurance has its advantages, but you +don't register every letter you post. The truth is, what little sense +of proportion you have is failing. Of course you're not as young as +you were, and then, again, you eat too much." + +"In other words," said my brother-in-law, "you attribute caution to the +advance of old age and gluttony. I see. To which of your physical +infirmities do you ascribe a superabundance of treachery and bile?" + +"That," said I, "is due to external influence. The sewer-gas of your +temperament----" + +"I refuse," said Berry, "to sit still and hear my soul compared to a +drain at the very outset of what promises to be a toothsome repast. It +might affect my appetite." + +I raised my eyebrows. + +"Needless anxiety again," I sighed. "I don't know what's the matter +with you to-day." + +"By the way," said Daphne, "I quite forgot. Did you cash your cheque?" + +"I did," said her husband. + +"What did they give you?" said Jill. + +"Fifty-three francs to the pound." + +"Fifty-_three_?" cried Daphne and Adèle in horror-stricken tones. + +"Fifty-three francs dead. If I'd cashed it yesterday, as, but for your +entreaties, I should have done, I should have got fifty-six." + +"But when you found it was down, why didn't you wait?" + +"In the first place," retorted my brother-in-law, "it isn't down; it's +up. In the second place, I was down--to four francs twenty-five. In +the third place, to-morrow it may be up to fifty." + +"It's much more likely to go back to fifty-five." + +"My dear girl," said Berry, "with the question of likelihood the +movements of the comic Exchange have nothing to do. It's a law unto +itself. Compared with the Money Market of to-day, Monte Carlo's a +Sunday-school. I admit we'd have more of a show if we didn't get the +paper a day late.... Still, that makes it more sporting." + +"I don't see any sport in losing six hundred francs," said his wife. +"It's throwing away money." Here my cousin reappeared. "Jonah, why +did you let him do it?" + +"Do what?" said Jonah. + +"Cash such a cheque when the franc's dropped." + +"It hasn't," said Jonah. "It's risen." + +"How," piped Jill, "can it have risen when it's gone down?" + +"It hasn't gone down," said I. + +"But fifty-three's less than fifty-six." + +"Let me explain," said Berry, taking an olive from a dish. "You see +that salt-cellar?" + +"Yes," said Jill, staring. + +"Well, that represents a dollar. The olive is a franc, and this here +roll is a pound." He cleared his throat. "When the imports exceed the +exports, the roll rises"--up went his hand--"as good bread should. But +when the exports exceed the imports, or the President backs a winner, +or something, then the olive begins to soar. In a word, the higher the +fewer." + +Jill passed a hand across her sweet pretty brow. + +"But what's the salt-cellar got to do with it?" + +"Nothing whatever," said Berry. "That was to distract your attention." + +Jill choked with indignation. + +"I'll never ask you anything again," she said severely. "After all, if +you can't help yourself, it isn't likely you can help me. And, any +way, I wouldn't have been so silly as to go and cash a cheque when the +franc had gone down." + +"Up," said I relentlessly. + +"But how can it----" + +"Look here," said I. "Imagine that all the francs in the world have +turned into herrings." + +"What a joy shopping would be!" said Berry. + +"Yes," said Jill faithfully. + +"Well, on Monday you go and buy a pound's worth of herrings. Fish is +plentiful, so you get fifty-six." + +"Yes." + +"During the night herrings rise." + +"Get quite high," said Berry. "You have to get out of bed and put your +purse on the landing." + +Adèle began to shake with laughter. + +"Yes," said Jill earnestly. + +"So that the next morning," I continued desperately, "when you come to +buy another pound's worth of herrings, you only get fifty-three." + +"That's right," said Berry. "And while you're trying to decide whether +to have one or two pounds, they turn into bananas. Then you _are_ +done." + +Jonah took up the cudgels. + +"It's perfectly simple," he said. "Think of a thermometer." + +Jill took a deep breath. + +Then-- + +"Yes," she said. + +"Well, on Monday you find it's fifty-six. On Tuesday you look at it +again, and find it's fifty-three. That means it's gone down, doesn't +it?" + +"Yes," said his sister hopefully. + +"Well, with the franc it's just the opposite. It means it's gone up." + +"Yes." + +"That's all," said Jonah brutally. + +Jill looked from him to Daphne and from Daphne to Adèle--dazedly. The +former put a hand to her head. + +"My dear," she said, "I can't help you. Before they started +explaining, I had a rough idea of how the thing worked. Now I'm +confused for ever. If they are to be believed, in future we've got to +say 'up' when we feel inclined to say 'down.' But don't ask me why." + +She stopped to speak with a member who was leaving the room and had +come to pay his respects. After a word or two-- + +"Visitors' weather," he said. "Perfect, isn't it? But, I say, what a +fall in the franc! Three points in a day.... Never mind. It'll go up +again." + +He made his adieus and passed on. + +It was no good saying anything. + +A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country. + + * * * * * + +It was three days later that we were bowling along the road to Biarritz. + +The morning was full and good to look upon. Sun, sky, and air offered +the best they had. To match their gifts, a green and silver earth +strained at the leash of Winter with an eager heart. The valleys +smiled, high places lifted up their heads, the hasty Gave de Pau +swirled on its shining way, a laughing sash of snow-broth, and all the +countryside glowed with the cheerful aspect of a well-treated slave. + +Wide, straight, and level, the well-built road thrust through the +beaming landscape with a directness that took Distance by the throat. +The surface improving as we left Pau behind, I drew on the seven-league +boots--surreptitiously. Very soon we were flying.... With a steady +purr of contentment, Pong, tuned to a hair, swallowed the flashing +miles so easily that pace was robbed of its sting. + +A dot on the soft bullock-walk that edged the road grew with fantastic +swiftness into an ox-waggon, loomed for an instant life-size, and was +gone. A speck ahead leapt into the shape of a high-wheeled gig, jogged +for a moment to meet us, and vanished into space. A dolls'-house by +the wayside swelled into a villa ... a château ... a memory of tall +thin windows ranged in a white wall. The future swooped into the +present, only to be flicked into the past. The seven-league boots were +getting into their stride. + +Then came a level-crossing with the barriers drawn.... + +For a minute the lady responsible for the obstructions seemed uncertain +whether to withdraw them or no. After a long look up the line, +however, she decided against us and shook her head with a benevolent +smile. + +"_Le train arrive_," she explained. + +With a sigh, I stopped the engine and lighted a cigarette.... + +"What exactly," said Daphne, "did Evelyn say?" + +"That," said Berry, "as I have already endeavoured to point out, will +always remain a matter for conjecture. We addressed one another for +more than twenty minutes, but our possession of the line was disputed +effectively during the whole of that period." + +"Well, what did you hear her say?" + +"I heard her say 'Yes' twice, and 'Delighted,' and 'One o'clock.' I'm +almost certain that towards the end of our communion she said, 'Oh, +hell!' Having regard to the prevailing conditions, she may be +forgiven." + +Daphne sighed. + +"Well, I suppose she expects us," she said. "After all, that's the +main thing. You made her understand it was to-day, didn't you?" + +"That," was the reply, "remains to be seen. If I didn't, it's not my +fault. It's no good pretending that 'Wednesday's' a good word to +shout, but I made the most of it. I also said 'Woden's Day' with great +clarity, and '_Mardi_.'" + +"_Mardi?_" shrieked his wife. + +"Oh, much louder than that." + +"B-but that's _Tuesday_!" + +Berry started guiltily. + +"I--I mean '_Mercredi_,'" he said hurriedly. + +I began to shake with merriment. + +Suspiciously my sister regarded her husband. + +"Which did you say?" she demanded. + +"'_Mercredi_.'" + +"I don't believe a word of it," cried Daphne. "You said '_Mardi_.' +You know you did." + +Here a seemingly interminable freight-train started to lumber across +our path.... + +As the rumble began to die-- + +"I think," said I, "he must have got 'Wednesday' through. Otherwise +Evelyn would have rung up last night." + +Berry drew a case from his pocket and offered me a cigar. Then he +turned to my sister and protruded his tongue.... + +We had known Evelyn Fairie for years. It was natural that we should +wish to know Evelyn Swetecote. That wedlock could have diminished her +charm was not to be thought of. But we were forgivably curious to see +her in the married state and to make the acquaintance of the man whom +she had chosen out of so many suitors. Little knowing that we were at +Pau, Evelyn had written to us from Biarritz. In due season her letter +had arrived, coming by way of Hampshire. An answer in the shape of a +general invitation to lunch had brought not so much a refusal as a +definite counter-proposal that we should suggest a day and come to +Biarritz. In reply, the services of the telephone had been +requisitioned, and, if my brother-in-law was to be believed, Mrs. +Swetecote had been advised to expect us on Wednesday. + +In any event, expected or unexpected, here were we, all six, upon the +road--my wife and cousins in one car, and Daphne, Berry, and I within +the other. + +As we swung into the paved streets of Orthez-- + +"And when," said Berry, "when am I to drive?" + +"From Peyrehorade," I replied. + +"Oh. I suppose that's where the stones begin, or the road stops, or +something." + +I shook my head. + +"Not that I know of. And you can drive all the way back. But--well, +there's a hill or two coming, and--and I'd like just to take her so +far," I concluded lamely. + +But for my sister's presence, I would have told him the truth. This +was that I had bet Jonah that I could get from Orthez to Peyrehorade in +twenty minutes. The distance was exactly thirty kilometres, and the +road was perfect. There were no corners, and the bends were few. +There were hills, certainly; but these were straightforward enough and +could be taken, so to speak, in our stride. Moreover, there were no +cross-roads, and only two turnings worth thinking about. To some cars +the feat would have been nothing. Whether it was within the reach of +Ping and Pong remained to be seen.... + +As we left Orthez, I looked at my watch. + +Ten minutes to eleven. + +I laid hold of the wheel.... + +To this hour I cannot tell why Daphne did not exercise the prerogative +of a passenger and protest against the pace. But neither at the time +or thereafter did she so much as mention it. Berry confessed later +that he had been frightened to death. + +Three kilometres out, there was a bend, and the needle of the +speedometer, which, after rising steadily, had come to rest against the +stop, retreated momentarily to record fifty-five.... We sang past a +wayside farm, dropped into a valley, soared up the opposite side, +flashed in and out of an apparently deserted village, shot up a long +incline, and slowed up for a curve.... Then some poultry demanded +consideration. As we left them behind, the agitation of two led horses +necessitated a still further reduction of speed. We lost such time as +I had made, and more also. Still, we were going downhill, and, as if +impatient of the check, the car sprang forward.... We rose from the +bottom with the smooth rush of a non-stop elevator. As we breasted the +rise, I saw another and steeper dale before us. The road was becoming +a switchback.... + +At the top of the opposite hill was a big grey cabriolet coming towards +us. At the foot was a panting lorry going our way. An approaching +Ford was about to pass it. The cabriolet and Pong fell down their +respective slopes.... + +The Ford was abreast of the lorry, and the cabriolet was prepared to +pass the two when we arrived. It was a question of giving way--at +least, it ought to have been. It was, however, too late. Happily, +there was more room than time at our disposal--a very little more. +There was no time at all.... + +For one never-to-be-forgotten instant there were four vehicles in a +row. I doubt if an ordinary matchbox could have been passed between +our near-side running-board and that of the cabriolet. I could +certainly have touched the lorry, had I put out my hand.... + +Then we swept on and up and over the crest. + +Thereafter all was plain sailing. + +As we ran into Peyrehorade, I glanced at my watch. + +I had lost my bet by about a quarter of a minute. But for the led +horses, we should have run to time.... + +Upon one matter we were all agreed, and that was that the driver of the +grey cabriolet was going much too fast. + +So soon as we had passed through the town, Berry and I changed places. +Almost immediately the road deteriorated. Its fine straightforward +rolling nature was maintained: the surface, however, was in tatters.... + +After ten kilometres of misery, my brother-in-law slowed up and +stopped. Then he turned to me. + +"Have you ever driven upon this road (sic) before?" + +I shook my head. + +"Well, you can start now," was the reply. "I'm fed up, I am. I'd +rather drive on the beach." With that he opened his door. "Oh, and +give me back that cigar." + +"Courage," I said, detaining him. "It can't last." + +"Pardon me," said Berry, "but it can last for blistering leagues. I +know these roads. Besides, my right knee's getting tremulous." + +"It's quite good practice," I ventured. + +"What for?" was the bitter reply. "My future estate? Possibly. I +have no doubt that there it will be my blithesome duty continually to +back a charabanc with a fierce clutch up an interminable equivalent of +the Eiffel Tower. At present----" + +"And you were driving so beautifully," said his wife. + +"What--not with _finesse_?" said her husband. + +"Rather," said I. "Ginger, too." + +"What d'you mean--'ginger'?"--suspiciously. + +"Determination," said I hurriedly. + +"Not the b-b-bull-dog b-b-breed?" + +"The same," said I. "All underhung. +'Shove-me-and-I'll-shove-your-face' sort of air. It was most +noticeable." + +Berry slammed the door and felt for the self-starter.... + +As we bucketed down the next slope-- + +"I only wish," he said, "that we could encounter the deceitful monger +responsible for including this road among _les grands itinéraires_. I +can stand pot-holes, but the remains of a railway platform which might +have been brought from one of what we know as 'the stricken areas,' +laid, like linoleum, upon a foot of brickdust, tend to make you gird at +Life. Incidentally, is this fast enough for you? Or are your livers +still sluggish?" + +"I think," said I, nodding at a huge pantechnicon, "that we might pass +the furniture." + +I know no horn whose note is at once so compelling and offensive as +that of the usher with which Pong was equipped. I know no din at once +so obliterative and brain-shaking as that induced by the passage of a +French pantechnicon, towed at a high speed over an abominable road. +That the driver of the tractor failed to hear our demand was not +remarkable. That he should have elected to sway uncertainly along the +very crown of the road was most exasperating.... + +Three times did Berry essay to push by; three times at the critical +moment did the tractor lurch drunkenly across our bows; and three times +did Pong fall back discomfited. The dust, the reek, the vibration, the +pandemonium, were combining to create an atmosphere worthy of a place +in the Litany. One's senses were cuffed and buffeted almost to a +standstill. I remember vaguely that Daphne was clinging to my arm, +wailing that "it was no good." I know I was shouting. Berry was +howling abusive incoherence in execrable French.... + +We were approaching the top of a hill.. + +Suddenly the tractor swung away to its right. With a yell of triumph, +my unwitting brother-in-law thrust at the gap.... Pong leapt forward. + +Mercifully there was a lane on the left, and I seized the wheel and +wrenched it round, at the same time opening the throttle as wide as I +dared. I fancy we took the corner on two wheels. As we did so, a pale +blue racer streaked by our tail-lamp with the roar of an avalanche. + +When Daphne announced that, if she reached Biarritz alive, she should +drive home with Jonah, I was hardly surprised. + +It was perhaps an hour later that, after passing grey-headed Bayonne, +we came to her smart little sister and the villa we sought. + +The great lodge-gates were open, but Ping was without in the road, +while Jonah was leaning languidly against the wall. As we slowed up, +he took his pipe from his mouth. + +"I shouldn't drive in," he said. "They're out. Won't be back before +six, the servants say." + + * * * * * + +Black as was the evidence against him, my brother-in-law stoutly +refused to be held responsible for the affair. All the way to the +Hotel du Palais he declared violently that the engagement had been well +and truly made, and that if Evelyn and her husband chose to forget all +about it, that was no fault of his. Finally, when Jonah suggested that +after luncheon we should return to the villa and inquire whether we had +indeed been expected the day before, he assented with disconcerting +alacrity. As we passed into the restaurant-- + +"And I'll do the interrogating," he concluded. "I don't want any of +your leading questions. 'I quite expect we were expected yesterday, +weren't we?' All sweet and slimy, with a five-franc note in the middle +distance." + +"How dare you?" said Daphne. "Besides, I'd be only too relieved to +find it was their mistake." + +"Blow your relief," replied her husband. "What about my bleeding +heart?" + +"I'm not much of a physician," said I, "but there's some cold stuffed +venison on the sideboard. I don't know whether that, judiciously +administered...." + +Berry shook his head. + +"I doubt it," he said mournfully. "I doubt it very much.... +Still"--he looked round hungrily--"we can always try." + +We were at the villa again within the hour. + +Almost immediately we elicited the information that Major and Mrs. +Swetecote had spent the previous day at San Sebastian. + +Turning a withering and glassy eye in our direction, my brother-in-law +explained the position and desired permission to enter and write a +note. This was granted forthwith. + +My sister and I followed him into a pleasant salon meekly enough. When +he had written his letter, he read it to us with the air of a cardinal. + + +_DEAR EVELYN,_ + +"LEST WE FORGET." + +_Yes, I know. But you should be more careful. Old friends like us, +too. Disgraceful, I call it. To have been unprepared to receive us +would have been bad enough, but to be actually absent from home.... +Well, as Wordsworth says, that's bent it._ + +_When I tell you that, in the belief that she was to enjoy a free +lunch, my beloved yoke-fellow, who is just now very hot upon economy, +forewent her breakfast and arrived upon your threshold faint and +ravening, you will conceive the emotion with which she hailed the +realization that that same hunger which she had encouraged could only +be appeased at an expensive hotel._ + +_But that is nothing._ + +_To bless your married life, I have hustled a valuable internal +combustion engine over one of the vilest roads in Europe, twice risked +a life, the loss of which would, as you know, lower half the flags in +Bethnal Green, and postponed many urgent and far more deserving calls +upon my electric personality. I was, for instance, to have had my hair +cut._ + +_Worse._ + +_Upon hearing of your absence, the unnatural infidel above referred to +charged this to my account. As is my humble wont, I bent my head to +the storm, strong in the fearless confidence that France is France, and +that, late as we were, the ever-open bar would not be closed._ + +"Tell me more of yourself," I hear you say. + +_That may not be, che-ild._ + +_For one thing, that venison has made me sleepy. Secondly, I am just +off to find a suitable and sheltered grove, within sound of the +Atlantic, where I may spend an hour in meditation. Thirdly, I live for +others._ + +_Jonah wants to know if your husband can play golf. He does, of +course. But can he?_ + + _Your dear old friend, + BERRY._ + +_P.S.--D'you happen to know who owns a large grey cabriolet with a +"G.B." plate? I imagine it lives at Biarritz. Anyway, they ought to +be prosecuted. Driving about the country like a drunken hornet. +Mercifully we were crawling. Otherwise ... I tell you, it made my +b-b-blood b-b-boil. Not at the time, of course._ + + * * * * * + +The pine woods were wholly delightful. + +The lisp of the wind among the branches, the faint thunder of the +Atlantic, the soft sweet atmosphere showed us a side of Biarritz which +we should have been sorry to miss. By rights, if music and perfume +have any power, we should have fallen asleep. The air, however, +prevented us. Here was an inspiriting lullaby--a sleeping-draught +laced with cordial. We plucked the fruit from off the Tree of +Drowsiness, ate it, and felt refreshed. Repose went by the board. We +left the cars upon the road and went strolling.... + +"D'you think you could get me that spray?" said Jill suddenly. + +In my cousin's eyes flora have only to be inaccessible to become +desirable. Remembering this, I did as Berry and Jonah were +doing--stared straight ahead and hoped very hard that she was not +speaking to me. + +"Boy!" + +"Yes, dear?" + +"D'you think you could...?" + +By the time I had torn my trousers, strained my right shoulder, sworn +three times, and ruined the appearance of my favourite brogues, the +others were out of sight. + +"Thanks awfully, Boy. You are good to me. And that'll look lovely in +the drawing-room. The worst of it is, this stuff wilts almost at once." + +"Seems almost a shame to have picked it," I said grimly, "doesn't it?" + +"It does really," Jill agreed. "Never mind," she added cheerfully, +slipping an arm through mine. "It was my fault." + +Subduing a desire to lie down on my back and scream, I relighted my +pipe, and we strolled forward. + +A country walk with Jill is never dull. + +To do the thing comfortably, you should be followed by a file of +pioneers in marching order, a limbered waggon, and a portable pond. +Before we had covered another two hundred yards, I had collected three +more sprays, two ferns, and a square foot of moss--the latter, much to +the irritation of its inhabitants, many of whom refused to evacuate +their homes and therefore accompanied us. I drew the line at frogs, on +the score of cruelty to animals, but when we met one about the size of +a postage stamp, it was a very near thing. Finally, against my advice, +my cousin stormed a bank, caught her foot in an invisible wire, and +fell flat upon her face. + +"There now!" I cried testily, dropping our spoils and scrambling to her +assistance. + +"I'm not a bit hurt," she cried, getting upon her feet. "Not a scrap. +And--and don't be angry with me, Boy. Jonah's been cross all day. He +says my skirt is too short. And it isn't, is it?" + +"Not when you don't fall down," said I. "At least--well, it is rather, +isn't it?" + +Jill put her feet together and drew the cloth close about her silk +stockings. It fell, perhaps, one inch below her knees. For a moment +she regarded the result. Then she looked up at me and put her head on +one side.... + +I have grown up with Jill. I have seen her in habits, in ball-dresses, +in dressing-gowns. I have seen her hair up, and I have seen it tumbled +about her shoulders. I have seen her grave, and I have seen her gay. +I have seen her on horseback, and I have seen her asleep. But never in +all my life shall I forget the picture which at this moment she made. + +One thick golden tress, shaken loose by her fall, lay curling down past +the bloom of her cheek on to her shoulder. The lights in it blazed. +From beneath the brim of her small tight-fitting hat her great grave +eyes held mine expectantly. The stars in them seemed upon the edge of +dancing. Her heightened colour, the poise of her shapely head, the +parted lips lent to that exquisite face the air of an elf. All the +sweet grace of a child was welling out of her maidenhood. Her +apple-green frock fitted the form of a shepherdess. Her pretty grey +legs and tiny feet were those of a fairy. Its very artlessness trebled +the attraction of her pose. Making his sudden way between the boughs, +the sun flung a warm bar of light athwart her white throat and the +fallen curl. Nature was honouring her darling. It was the accolade. + +I could have sworn that behind me somebody breathed "Madonna!" but +although I swung round and peered into the bushes, I could see no one. + +"When you've quite done," said Jill. Clearly she had noticed nothing. + +I returned to my cousin. + +"Yes," I said, "it's too short. Just a shade. As for you, you're much +too sweet altogether. Something'll have to be done about it. You'll +be stolen by fairies, or translated, or inveigled into an engagement, +or something." + +Jill let her dress go and flung her arms round my neck. + +"You and Berry and Jonah," she said, "are far too sweet to me. And---- +Oh, I can see myself in your eye, Boy. I can really." For a moment +she stared at the reflection. "I don't think I look very nice," she +added gravely. "However..." She kissed me abstractedly and started to +fix the tress errant. "If Jonah asks you, don't say it's too short. +It's not good for him. I'll have it lengthened all right." + +For the second time I began to relight my pipe... + +After examining the scene of her downfall, the witch caught at a slip +of a bough and swung herself athletically to the top of the bank. +Thence she turned a glowing face in my direction. + +"No, I shan't, after all," she announced. "It's much too convenient." + +Twenty minutes later we reached the point from which we had set out. + +Adèle was awaiting us with Ping. + +As soon as we saw her-- + +"Good Heavens!" cried Jill. "I quite forgot you were married. You +ought to have been with Adèle." She ran to the car. "Adèle darling, +what do you think of me?" + +"I am blind," said Adèle, "with jealousy. Anyone would be. And now +jump in. Berry has taken the others to look at La Barre, and we're to +follow them." + +Such of the landscape as I was bearing was thereupon bestowed in the +boot, I followed my cousin into the car, and a few minutes later we +were at the mouth of the Adour. Here we left Ping beside Pong, and +proceeded to join three figures on the horizon, apparently absorbed in +the temper of a fretful sea. + +As we tramped heavily over the shingle-- + +"You're not cross with me, Adèle?" + +"Why should I be, darling?" + +"Well, you see," panted Jill, "I've known him so long, and he's still +so exactly the same, that I can't always remember----" + +"That he's not your property?" said my wife. "But he is, and always +will be." + +Jill looked at her gravely. + +"But he's yours," she said. + +Adèle laughed lightly. + +"Subjects marry, of course," she said, smiling, "but they've only one +queen." + +Which, I think, was uncommon handsome. + +Any way, I kissed her slight fingers.... + +As we reached our companions-- + +"I could stay here for ever," said Berry. "Easily. But I'm not going +to. The wind annoys me, and the sea's not what it was before the War." + +"How can you?" said Daphne. She stretched out a pointing arm. "Just +look at that one--that great big fellow. It must be the ninth wave." + +"Nothing to the York Ham--I mean the Welsh Harp--on a dirty night," +replied her husband. "Why, I remember once ..." + +In the confusion of a precipitate retreat before the menace of the +roller, the reminiscence was lost. + +It was certainly a magnificent spectacle. + +There was a heavy sea running, and the everlasting battle between the +river and the Atlantic was being fought with long swift spasms of +unearthly fury. Continually recurring, shock, mellay and rally +overlapped, attack and repulse were inextricably mingled, the very +lulls between the paroxysms were big with wrath. There was a point, +too, where the river's bank became coastline, a blunt corner of land, +which seemed to exasperate the sea out of all reason. A stiff breeze +abetting them, the gigantic waves crashed upon it with a concussion +that shook the air. All the royal rage of Ocean seemed to be +concentrated on this little prominence. The latter's indifference +appeared to aggravate its assailant. Majesty was in a tantrum. + +With the exception of Berry, we could have watched the display till, as +they say, the cows come home. My brother-in-law, however, felt +differently. The wind was offending him. + +After a violent denunciation of this element-- + +"Besides," he added, "we ought to be getting back. It's nearly +half-past three, and if we're to avoid the playground of the Tanks and +return by Bidache, we shall be longer upon the road." + +"Well, you go on," said Daphne. "Ask Adèle nicely, first, if she'll +take my place, and then if she minds starting now." + +"Fair lady," he said, + + "_The vay ith long, the vind ith cold, + It maketh me feel infernal old._" + + +"I'm sorry," said Adèle hurriedly, "but I've left my purse at home. +Try my husband." + +Berry put on his hat, cocked it, and turned to me. + +"D'you want a thick ear?" he demanded. "Or will you go quietly?" + +"A little more," I retorted, "and you ride in the dickey." + +Ten minutes later Pong was sailing into the outskirts of Bayonne. + +To emerge from the town upon the Briscous road proved unexpectedly +hard. The map insisted that we should essay a dark entry, by the side +of which a forbidding notice-board dared us to come on.... Adèle and I +pored over the print, while out of our bickering Berry plucked such +instructions as his fancy suggested, and, alternately advancing and +retiring, cruised to and fro about a gaunt church. After a while we +began to ask people, listen carefully to their advice, thank them +effusively, and then demonstrate to one another that they were +certainly ignorant and probably hostile. + +At length-- + +"How many times," inquired Berry, "did they walk round Jericho before +the walls went?" + +"Thirteen, I think," said Adèle. "Why?" + +"Oh, nothing," was the reply. "Only, if you aren't quick, we shall +have this church down. Besides, I'm getting giddy." + +"Then show some initiative," I retorted. + +"Right," said Berry, darting up a side-street. + +Calling upon him to stop, Adèle and I fought for the map.... A sudden +lurch to the left flung us into the corner, whence, before we had +recovered our equilibrium, a violent swerve to the right returned us +pell-mell. At last, in response to our menaces, Berry slowed up before +a sign-post. + +Its legend was plain. + + BRISCOUS 10 + + +We stared at it in silence. Then we stared at one another. Finally we +stared at Berry. The latter spread out his hands and shrugged his +shoulders. + +"Instinct," he said. "Just instinct. It's very wonderful. +Hereditary, of course. One of my uncles was a water-waste preventer. +With the aid of a cricket-bat and a false nose, he could find a swamp +upon an empty stomach. They tried him once, for fun, at a +garden-party. Nobody could understand the host's uneasiness until, +amid a scene of great excitement, my uncle found the cesspool under the +refreshment marquee." + +Eventually we persuaded him to proceed. + +For a while the going was poor, but after we had passed Briscous all +cause for complaint vanished. Not only was the surface of the road as +good as new, but the way itself, was winsome. The main road to +Peyrehorade could not compare with it. At every twist and turn--and +there were many--some fresh attraction confronted us. The countryside, +shy of the great highways, crept very close. We slipped up lanes, ran +side by side with brooks, brushed by snug cottages. Dingles made bold +to share with us their shelter, hill-tops their sweet prospects, +hamlets their quiet content. + +An amazing sundown set our cup brimming. + +That this might run over, Bidache itself gave us a chateau--ruined, +desolate, and superb. There is a stateliness of which Death holds the +patent: and then, again, Time can be kind to the dead. What Death had +given, Time had magnified. Years had added to the grey walls a peace, +a dignity, a charm, such as they never knew while they were kept. The +grave beauty of the place was haunting. We passed on reluctantly.... + +A quarter of an hour later we ran into Peyrehorade. + +Here Adèle relieved my brother-in-law and, encouraged by the promise of +a late tea, made the most of the daylight. + +Eighty minutes later we slid into Pau. + +As we swept up the drive of our villa-- + +"Well," said Berry, "I must confess it's been a successful day. If +we'd lunched with Evelyn, we should have missed that venison, and if +the main road hadn't been vile, we should have missed Bidache. Indeed, +provided no anti-climax is furnished by the temperature of the +bath-water, I think we may congratulate ourselves." + +Adèle and I agreed enthusiastically. + +Falcon met us in the hall with a note and a telephone message. + +The first was from Mrs. Swetecote. + + +_DEAREST DAPHNE,_ + +_How awful of you! Never mind. I know how terribly easy it is to +forget. And now you must come over to us instead. Falcon insisted +that you would wish us to have lunch, so we did--a jolly good one, too. +And Jack smoked one of Berry's cigars, and, of course, we both lost our +hearts to Nobby. In fact, we made ourselves thoroughly at home._ + + _Your loving + EVELYN._ + +_P.S.--Try and find out who's staying at Pau with a blue all-weather +coupé. They went by us to-day like a flash of lightning. Fortunately +we were going dead slow, so it was all right. But they ought to be +stopped._ + + +The second was from Jonah. + + +As rendered by Falcon, it ran:-- + +"Captain Mansel's compliments, sir, and, as Mrs. Adèle Pleydell was the +last to drive Ping, 'e thinks _she must 'ave 'is key_.... And as +Love's the honly thing as laughs at locksmiths, sir, will you kindly +return this forthwith.... I asked Captain Mansel where 'e'd like you +to meet 'im, sir, but 'e said _you'd_ know." + + +From Pau to La Barre is seventy miles--as near as 'damn it.' + + * * * * * + +I covered the distance alone. All the way a memory kept whispering +above the rush of the tires.... 'Madonna!'.... 'Madonna!'... + + + + +CHAPTER V + +HOW LOVE CAME TO JILL, HERBERT TO THE RESCUE, AND A YOUNG MAN BY HIS +RIGHT + +A week of fine days had slipped by. Most of these we had spent upon +the open road. For fifty miles about Pau we had proved the countryside +and found it lovely. This day we had determined to fare farther +afield. Perhaps because of this decision, Trouble had peered out of +the bushes before we had gone twenty miles. + +Had we, however, been advised to expect a puncture and requested to +select the venue, we could not have chosen a more delightful spot. + +Immediately upon our right there was a garden, trim and pleasing as the +farmhouse it served. Stretched in the gateway lay a large white hound, +regarding us sleepily. Beyond, on the greensward, a peacock preened +himself in the hot sunshine. On the left, a wayside bank made a +parapet, and a score of lime-trees a sweet balustrade. A glance +between these natural balusters turned our strip of metalling into a +gallery. The car, indeed, was standing upon the edge of a brae. +Whether this fell sheer or sloped steeply could not be seen, for the +first thing which the down-looking eye encountered was a vast plain, +rich, sun-bathed, rolling, three hundred feet below. North, south, and +east, as far as the sight could follow, was stretching Lilliput. +Meadows and poplars and the flash of streams, steadings and villages, +coppices, flocks and curling roads glinted or glowed in miniature. +Close on our right two toy towers stood boldly up to grace a townlet. +Due east a long, straight baby avenue led to a midget city. Northward +a tiny train stole like a snail into the haze of distance. Far to the +south the mountains, blurred, snowy, ethereal, rose like a beckoning +dream to point the fairy tale. + +It was only when we had gloated upon the prospect for several minutes, +identified the townlet as Ibus and the city as Tarbes, and, taking out +powerful binoculars, subjected the panorama to a curious scrutiny, +which might have shattered the illusion, but only turned Lilliput into +Utopia, that we pulled ourselves together and started to consider our +plight. + +This was not serious. A tire was flat, certainly, but we had two spare +wheels. + +I drew a sou from my pocket and spun it into the air. + +"I maintain," said Berry, "that the obverse will bite the dust." + +The coin tinkled to a settlement, and we both stooped to read our +respective fates.... + +A moment later, with a self-satisfied grin, I climbed back into the +car, whilst Berry removed his coat with awful deliberation. + +Jill was in possession of the paper, so I lighted a cigarette and +turned up Tarbes in the guide-book.... + +"Just listen to this," said my cousin suddenly. + +"_Of the four properties, the villa Irikli is the most notable. A +well-known traveller once styled it 'the fairest jewel in Como's +diadem.' Occupying one of the choicest situations on the famous lake, +surrounded by extensive gardens, the varied beauty of which beggars +description, the palace--for it is nothing less--has probably excited +more envy than any dwelling in Europe...._ + +"Then it speaks about the house.... Wait a minute.... Here we are + +"_The heavily-shaded lawns, stretching to the very edge of the lake, +the magnificent cedars, the sunlit terraces, the cascades, the chestnut +groves, the orange and lemon trellises, the exquisite prospects, go to +the making of a veritable paradise._" + +"Doesn't that sound maddening?" + +"It does, indeed," I agreed. "Whose is it?" + +"I don't know," said Jill absently, staring into the distance. "But I +can just see it all. Fancy living there, and going out before +breakfast over the lawns to bathe..." + +Idly I took the paper out of her hand. + +From this it appeared that the property had belonged to the Duke of +Padua. Reading further, I found that the latter's whole estate had, +upon his death nine months ago, become the subject of an action at law. +The deceased's legitimacy, it seemed, had been called in question. +To-day the Appeal Court of Italy was to declare the true heir.... + +As I laid down the sheet-- + +"Somebody," I said, "will drink champagne to-night." + +"Oranges and lemons," murmured Jill. "Cascades...." + +A vicious grunt from below and behind suggested that my brother-in-law +was standing no nonsense. + +I settled myself in my corner of the car, tilted my hat over my nose, +and closed my eyes.... + +The sound of voices aroused me. + +"...your silly eyes. Didn't you hear me say '_Non_'? _NONG_, man, +_NONG_! You'll strip the blinkin' thread.... Look here...." + +"_A-a-ah! Oui, oui, Monsieur. Je comprends, je comprends._" + +"You don't listen," said Berry severely. "That's what's the matter +with you. Valuable car like this, too." + +Jill buried her face in my sleeve and began to shake with laughter. +"_Alors, en avant, mon brave. Mettez y votre derrière._ Oh, very hot, +very hot." + +"_C'est bien ça, Monsieur?_" + +"Every time," said Berry. "Now the next.... _D'abord avec les +doigts_.... That's enough, fathead. What's the brace done?" + +"_Mais, Monsieur----_" + +"_Si vous disputez,_" said Berry gravely, "_vous ne l'aurez pas +seulement où le poulet a reçu la hache, mais je n'aurai pas de choix +mais de vous demander de retourner à vos b-b-b-boeufs._" + +"_Pardon, Monsieur._" + +"Granted, Herbert, granted," was the airy reply. "But you must take +off that worried look. _Ca me rappelle la maison des singes.... Oh, +terrible, terrible. Et le parfum_.... My dear Herbert, _il frappe +l'orchestre_.... And now, suppose we resume our improvement of the +working day." + +Except for the laboured breathing of Herbert, the remaining bolts were +affixed in silence. + +"_Bien,_" said Berry. "_Maintenant le_ jack. I trust, Herbert, that +you have a supple spine. _Voici. Tournez, mon ami, tournez.... Now, +non, NONG!_ You bull-nosed idiot! _A gauche!_" + +"_A-a-ah! Oui, oui, Monsieur! A gauche, à gauche._" + +"All right," said Berry. "I said it first. It's my brain-wave.... +That's right. Now pull back--_tirez_. _Bon_. Now shove it _ici, dans +la bottine_.... And must you kneel upon the wing, Herbert? Must you? +A-a-ah! Get off, you clumsy satyr!" + +A yell of protest from Herbert suggested that Berry's protest had been +reinforced _vi et armis_. + +"_Non, non, Monsieur! Laissez-moi tranquil. Je ne fais quo ce que +vous commandez...._" + +"Dog," said my brother-in-law, "you lie! Never mind. Pick up that +wheel instead. _Prenez la roue, Herbert_.... _C'est bien. Alors, +attachez-la ici._ Yes, I know it's heavy, but _ne montrez pas la +langue_. _Respirez par le nez, man_. And don't stagger like that. It +makes me feel tired.... So. Now, isn't that nice? Herbert, my Son, +_void la fin de votre travail_." + +"_C'est tout, Monsieur?_" + +"_C'est tout, mon ami_. Should you wish to remember me in your +prayers, _je suis le Comte Blowfly, du Rat Mort, Clacton-on-Sea_. +Telegraphic address, Muckheap. And there's ten francs towards your +next shave." + +"_Oh, Monsieur, c'est trop gentil. J'ai été heureux----_" + +"_Pas un mot_, Herbert. Believe me, it's cheap at the price. What's +more, _je suis enchanté d'avoir fait votre connaissance_." + +"_A votre service, Monsieur._" + +"Itch Deen," said Berry. "Itch Deen. And if ever one of your bullocks +bursts and you have to put in a new one, I only trust I shall be out of +earshot. _Au revoir, mon ami. Ne faites-pas attention au monsieur +avec le nez rouge dans l'auto. Il est grise._" + +The reverent look with which Herbert favoured me, as he returned to his +oxen, I shall never forget. Clearly, to be in the arms of Dionysus by +eleven o'clock in the morning was arguing at once an affluence and a +discretion which were almost sacred. + +"Ah," said Berry, making his appearance, "you're awake, are you? I've +just finished. Herbert's been watching me. Have you got the +beer-opener there? It's--it's tiring work." + +"What is?" said I grimly. "Instructing?" + +"That's it," said my brother-in-law. "I explained as I went along. +Herbert was most interested. A little dense, you know, but such a nice +fellow. He thinks the world of you. Now, I think the beer-opener's in +the left-hand----" + +"In you get," said I, starting the engine. "Philanthropy and beer +don't go together." + +With his foot upon the step, Berry regarded me. + +"I should like Herbert's ruling on that," he said. "Besides, I've got +a thirst which is above rubies." + +"Think what it'll be like by lunch-time," said Jill. "Besides," she +added, searching for her bag, "I've got some acid drops somewhere." + +With an unearthly shriek Berry clawed at his temples.... For a moment +he rocked to and fro agonisedly. Then he climbed heavily into the car. + +As he sank back against the cushions-- + +"Murderess," he said. "And it was the best I've had since Egypt." + + * * * * * + +Two hours later we ran into Montrejeau, crept by its exquisite +market--roofed and pillared and carrying its four hundred years as they +were forty--dropped down a wicked hill, and swept over an infant +Garonne on to the Luchon road. + +Before we had covered five kilometres we sighted our goal. + +'A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.' + +Out of the blowing meadows rose up an eminence. But for the snow-clad +heights beyond, you would have called it a mountain. Its slopes were +timbered, and if there was a road there, this could not be seen. High +up above the trees was a city wall, standing out boldly, as ramparts +should. Within the wall, still higher, were houses, white, ancient, +stern-faced. And there, clear above them all, perched upon the very +point of the hill, towered a cathedral. The size of it turned the city +into a close. Its site, its bulwarks, however, turned the church into +a castle. Here was an abbot filling the post of constable. The longer +you gazed, the stronger the paradox became. Pictures of peace and war +became inextricably confused. Men-at-arms mumbled their offices; steel +caps concealed tonsures: embrasures framed precious panes: trumpets +sounded the Angelus: mail chinked beneath vestments: sallies became +processions: sentinels cried "_Pax vobiscum_".... Plainly most +venerable, the tiny city and the tremendous church made up a living +relic, of whose possession Memory can be very proud. +Saint-Bertrand-de-Comminges ranks with the Leaning Tower of Pisa. +There is nothing like it in all the world. + +Presently we passed through the meadows, climbed up the tree-clad +slopes, and came to a little terrace under the city-wall. Full in the +sunlight, sheltered from the wind, the pleasaunce made an ideal +refectory. The view of the mountains, moreover, which it afforded was +superb. I stole by the city gate and berthed Pong close to the low +parapet.... + +Ten minutes later Ping drew up behind us. + +"Isn't this just lovely?" cried Adèle, applying the hand-brake. + +"It's unique," said I, advancing. "How did the car go?" + +"Like a train," said Jonah, helping Daphne to alight. "I may add that +I've enjoyed being driven." + +"Oh, Jonah, how nice of you!" cried Adèle. + +It was, indeed, a compliment worth having. + +"I told you so," I said unctuously. + +"And now," said Berry, "if you've quite done scratching one another's +backs----" + +"Vulgar brute!" said Daphne. + +"I beg your pardon?" + +My sister repeated the appellative. + +Instantly her husband assumed an attitude of listening ecstasy. + +"Hark!" he exclaimed dramatically. "I he-ear my lo-ove calling." A +rapturous smile swept into his face. "It must be clo-osing time." He +changed his tone to one of indicative solicitude. "More to the left, +sweet chuck. No. That's the water-trough. I've got the pram here." + +A master of pantomime, Berry can create an atmosphere with a look and a +word. 'On the halls,' he would probably be a complete failure. On the +terrace beneath the walls of St. Bertrand he was simply side-splitting. +Daphne and Jonah included, we collapsed tearfully.... + +As we did so there was a roar of laughter behind us. + +One and all, we turned blindly about, to see a slim figure in a grey +tweed suit dash for the gateway. As we looked, a grey hat flew off. +The next moment its owner was within the walls. + +I ran to the gateway and stared up a little paved street. It was quite +empty. After a moment I returned to pick up the hat. Looking at this, +I saw that it came from Bond Street. + +What was more remarkable was that twenty paces away was standing a grey +two-seater. It was quite evident that, for car and passenger to +approach without our knowledge, we must have been extremely +preoccupied, and the new-comer's engine uncannily silent. + +After some discussion of the incident, we placed the hat in the +two-seater and proceeded to lunch.... + +The meal was over, and Jonah and I were washing the glasses, when-- + +"Now, no guide-books, please," said my brother-in-law. "I've read it +all up. Where we are now was the _ulularium_." + +"Whatever's that?" said Jill. + +"The howling-green," said Berry. "The monks used to come and howl here +before breakfast." + +"What did they howl for?" said Adèle. + +"It was a form," was the reply, "of mortification, instituted by +Aitchless the 'Alf-baked and encouraged by his successor, who presented +an empty but still fragrant beer-barrel to be howled for upon +Michaelmas Eve." After the manner of a guide, the speaker preceded us +to the gateway. "And now we come to the gate. Originally one-half its +present width, it was widened by the orders of Gilbert the Gluttonous. +The work, in which he took the deepest interest, was carried out under +his close supervision. Indeed, it was not until the demolition of the +structure had been commenced that he was able to be released from a +position which was embarrassing not only his digestion, but his peace +of mind, inasmuch as it was denying ingress to a cardinal who had much +influence at the Vatican and was wearing tight boots." + +The steep, narrow street was walled by great houses of the fifteenth +and sixteenth centuries, while at the top a little archway buttressed a +mansion of obvious importance. + +"We now enter," said Berry, with the time-honoured flourish of the +hired conductor, "the famous Bishops' Row. At one time or another, in +every one of these dwellings prelates of all sizes and shapes have +snored, swallowed, and generally fortified the flesh. Upon that door +were posted the bulletins announcing the progress towards recovery of +Rudolph the Rash, who in the fifteenth year of his office decided to +take a bath. His eventual restoration to health was celebrated with +great rejoicing. From that window Sandwich, surnamed the Slop-pail, +was wont to dispense charity in the shape of such sack as he found +himself reluctantly unable to consume. Such self-denial surprised even +his most devoted adherents, until it was discovered that the bishop had +no idea that he was pouring libations into the street, but, with some +hazy intention of conserving the remains of his liquor, invariably +mistook the window for the door of a cupboard. The house on the left +is of peculiar interest. Behind those walls----" + +"I wouldn't interrupt you for worlds," said Daphne, "and I'm sure the +cathedral won't be half so interesting, but, perhaps, if we saw that +first...." + +"That's right," said her husband. "Twist the sage's tail. Now I've +lost my place. I shall have to begin all over again." He paused to +pass his hand across his eyes. Then he flung out an arm. "We now +enter the famous Bishops' Row. At one time or another, in every one of +these dwellings prelates of all...." + +We fairly fled up the street. + +We had visited the shrine: we had wondered at the silver eloquence of +architects: we had examined one by one sixty-six of the most exquisite +stalls that ever graced a choir: we had stared at thrones, pulpit, +organ-case and a great frieze--all of them carved with a cunning which +money could never buy, and to-day great love and piety are too poor to +purchase--we had walked in the cloisters: we had been shown the relics: +and whilst the others were picking over some picture postcards, I was +looking at an old fountain in the cathedral square. + +"I say," said a pleasant voice. + +Upon the other side of the basin was a slim figure in a grey tweed +suit--a nice-looking boy of about twenty summers. His thick, dark hair +was uncovered, and there was a grave look in the big brown eyes. + +"Hullo," said I. "You're the runaway." + +"That's right," he said quickly. "I only want to apologise. I'm +afraid I was awfully rude to laugh like that, but I couldn't help it. +I wasn't listening." + +He turned away hurriedly. + +"Here, I say!" I cried, stepping after him. With his chin on his +shoulder the boy hesitated, like some wild thing. "Don't go," I added. +"It's quite all right. If my brother-in-law likes to make a fool of +himself, why shouldn't you laugh?" + +"I know, but----" + +"My dear fellow," said I, "the more the merrier. Besides, we use the +same hatter. So let's be friends. You're all alone, aren't you?" + +"Er--yes. I'm really staying at Pau, and, as I'd got nothing----" + +"I knew I'd seen your car before. Didn't you go to Lourdes on Tuesday?" + +The boy started. + +"Yes, sir. I--I think I did." + +He was really extraordinarily nervous. + +"That's right," I continued. "We were on the way back from Cauterets. +By the way, I see you've got one of the new models. How does she go?" + +We walked down to the gate, talking easily enough.... + +By the time the others arrived, the two-seater's bonnet was open, and I +had promised to teach him to change speed without taking out the clutch. + +"Isn't that sweet?" said Jill's voice. + +My companion started upright. + +"You like it?" he said, flushing. + +"I think it's wonderful," said my cousin. + +So it was. + +I have seen many mascots. But, seated upon the cap of the radiator, a +little silver reproduction of the Ares Ludovisi knocked memories of +nymphs, hounds, and urchins into a cocked hat. + +"I'd like you to have it," said the boy suddenly. "Which is your car?" + +"Oh, but I can't take it," cried Jill breathlessly. "It's awfully +generous of you, but I couldn't think of----" + +"Well, let's just see how it looks. You were in the first car, weren't +you?" + +It was about a thousand to one against the two caps being +interchangeable, but the miracle came off. Once Ares was in his new +seat, nothing would induce his owner to disestablish him. + +"Keep him to-day, at least," he insisted. "Please do. I think +it--it'll bring me luck." + +"You're awfully kind," said Jill. "Why did you run away?" + +Daphne took my arm and called Berry. Together we strolled up the +terrace. Jonah was showing Adèle the points of the two-seater. + +"Who," said my sister, "is this attractive youth?" + +"I've not the faintest idea," said I. "But he's staying at Pau." + +"Well, Jill's got off," was the reply. "They're like a couple of +children." + +"Ah!" said Berry unexpectedly. + +"What on earth's the matter?" said Daphne. + +"Listen," rejoined her husband. "I've laid an egg--metaphorically. +We're all terrified of Jill getting pinched--again +metaphorically--aren't we? Very good. Let's encourage this +friendship. Let it swell into an attachment. They're far too young to +think about marriage. Of course, we shan't see so much of her, but, as +the sainted Martin said, half a cloak's better than no bags." + +"Dear lad," said Daphne, slipping her arm through his, "you're not +laying at all. You're getting broody." With that, she turned to me. +"And what do you think about it?" + +"He's a gentleman," said I. "And he's a child. Children, I suppose, +attract children. Let him be asked to tea, and they can play in the +nursery." + +"Thank you," said my sister. "Now I'll break it to you. Subject to +the usual formalities, Jill will marry that boy within the year." + +"B-but it's absurd," bubbled Berry. "It's out of the question. They'd +be like the Babes in the Wood. What that he-child's doing on his own, +I can't imagine. I should think he's a ward in Chancery who's given +his guardians the slip. And the two together'd make a combination +about as well fitted to cope with Life as a mute with a megaphone." + +"On the contrary," said Daphne, "they'll get on splendidly. They'll +turn the world into a playground. Wherever they go, everybody'll drop +their tools and go down on their knees and play with them." She +laughed delightedly. "I tell you, it'll be like a fairy tale." + +"Of course," I said, "I see what it is. You're at your old games." + +"I'm not," was the fierce retort. "D'you think I want to lose Jill? +But she'll have to go some day. It's inevitable. And the only thing +she could ever really love is a playmate. The finest lover in the +world would never find the trick of Jill's heart. Only a child can do +that. She might marry him easily--the lover, I mean. And she'd be +happy, of course. But she'd miss the biggest thing in life. Well, +eligible playmates are pretty scarce. I've been watching for one for +years. Mind you, I don't say this boy's going to do. There may be a +score of reasons that put his suit out of court. But, on the face of +it, he's nearer the mark than anything I've seen." + +Thoughtfully we turned back the way we had come... + +After a long silence-- + +"Any way," said Berry gloomily, "the first thing to do 's to find out +who he is. Perhaps Jill's done it." + +"That," said my sister, "is the very last thing she'd think of." + +We returned to where Ping and Pong were standing, to find that Jonah +and Adèle had disappeared, while Jill was being taught to drive the +two-seater. The environs of Saint-Bertrand-de-Comminges do not make a +good school, but master and pupil cared not for that. Indeed, they +were so engrossed in their exercise that our approach was unobserved. + +The two were at the top of their bent. + +Flushed with excitement, laughing, chattering like old friends, lady +and squire were having the time of their lives. They were, certainly, +wonderfully matched. If Jill was a picture, so was the boy. His +gravity was gone. The fine, frank face was fairly alight with +happiness, the brown eyes dancing, the strong white teeth flashing +merriment. From being good-looking, he had become most handsome. If +he was to find the trick of Jill's heart, she had laid a pink finger +upon the catch of his charm. + +For a moment we stood marvelling.... + +Then Jill saw us with the tail of her eye. + +"I say," she cried, twittering, "he's going to teach me to drive. He's +coming to lunch to-morrow, and then we're going along the Morlaas road, +because that'll be quiet." + +As Adèle and Jonah emerged from the gateway-- + +"You can't have the Morlaas road to-morrow," said Berry, "because I've +got it. I'm going to practise reversing through goats. It's all +arranged. Five million of the best new-laid goats are to be in line of +troop columns two kilometres south of the 'L' of a 'ill by three +o'clock." + +Jill addressed her companion. + +"We'll go another way," she said. "I don't suppose he's really going +there, but, if he did.... Well, when he says he's going backwards on +purpose, we always get out of the car." + +The naïveté with which this unconsciously scathing criticism was +phrased and uttered trebled its poignancy. + +Berry collapsed amid a roar of laughter. + +Then Jonah pulled out his watch, and we began to arrange ourselves. +That Jill might return with her brother and have her mascot too, we had +to swap cars; for, as the only two mechanics, Jonah and I never +travelled together. I was sorry about it, for Pong was the apple of my +eye. Seldom, if ever, had we been parted before. Jonah, I fancy, felt +the same about Ping. + +Our new friend was going straight back. We, however, were proposing to +return by Bagnères-de-Bigorre, and suggested that he should accompany +us. He shook his head gravely. + +"No. I--I have to get back," he said heavily. "I must." Then he +bowed to Daphne and to us all. "You've been very kind to me. +Good-bye." + +As he turned-- + +"Till to-morrow," I cried heartily. "You know where we live?" + +"Oh, yes. You're Captain Pleydell." + +"That's right. Oh, and--er--by the way, I don't think we know your +name." + +For a moment the boy hesitated. Then he turned scarlet. + +"N-neither do I," he said. + + * * * * * + +It was four o'clock by the time we reached Lannemezan, so, after a +little discussion, my wife and Berry and I determined to cut +Bagnères-de-Bigorre out of our itinerary and return to Pau by the way +by which we had come. Whether the others, who were ahead of us, had +come to the same decision, we could not tell. + +Berry was driving like a professional. The fact, however, that between +Lannemezan and Tarbes the pleasant road was littered with more +dog-carts and bullock-waggons than one would have expected any three +departments of France to be able to furnish, tended to cramp his style. +The uses, moreover, to which the occupants of these vehicles subjected +the way argued a belief not so much in progress as in _esprit de +corps_. As often as not the carts moved three abreast, their human +complements comparing excited notes, gossiping and making merry with as +much disregard of their whereabouts as if they were gathered in a +familiar tavern. As for the waggons, these were frequently unattended, +their custodians trudging disinterestedly in rear, absorbed in +good-natured argument and leaving their bullocks to place their own +interpretation upon the rule of the road. Such confidence was seldom +misplaced: still, for the driver of an approaching car to share it, +demanded, I suppose, an experience of oxen which we did not possess. + +After a few miles my brother-in-law's patience began to show signs of +wear and tear, and by the time we had reached Tournay it was positively +threadbare. For this Adèle and I paid almost as heavily as he. But +for the horn by his side, many an infuriated chauffeur would have lost +his reason. It is a kind of safety-valve. Berry's employment of this +convenient accessory was characterised by a savagery which, if +deplorable, is not uncommon. The frequency, however, with which +passage simply had to be asked was truly terrible. Disapproval at once +so bitterly and constantly expressed was most distressing. Our heads +began to ache violently.... + +To crown our annoyance, we picked up a cast shoe--with the inevitable +result. When, fortified by the knowledge that it was my turn to change +the wheel, Berry ventured to point out that such an acquisition was +extremely fortunate, the power of speech deserted me. + +Dusk was falling as we ran into Tarbes.... + +"D'you think," said Adèle, "that we could find a chemist? My head +feels as if it was going to burst." + +We sought diligently without success. After a little we stopped and +asked a postman. An apothecary of sorts, it appeared, was plying his +trade two side-streets away. Adèle and I descended to go and visit him. + +I was rather sceptical about the virtue of the drug which was +eventually produced to us, but, after a little discussion, we purchased +the tablets and asked for some water with which to swallow them. + +I must confess that when we returned to find no sign of the car, I was +extremely annoyed. It was rapidly growing dark and it had become cold. +Adèle was tired and had had no tea. The market was up, with the result +that the streets were swarming. I cursed my brother-in-law with +pardonable acerbity. + +"It's all right, old chap," said Adèle, taking my arm. "He's probably +just around somewhere. Let's go and look for him." + +He was not around anywhere. + +We struggled to the right, we fought our way to the left, we pushed and +were pushed back to the _pharmacie_, and we returned laboriously to our +starting-point. All the time we were devilled by the lingering idea +that Berry was searching for us, and that we were just avoiding him at +every turn. After another two minutes, I took my protesting wife back +to the chemist's shop, requested his hospitality on her behalf, and, +after seeing her received by a glowing Frenchwoman into an inner room, +turned up my collar and advanced blasphemously into the street. + +Almost immediately Berry stumbled into my arms. + +"_The car!_" he gasped. "_A plant! Quick! Or they'll do us down!_" + +I stared at him stupidly. + +His coat was torn and he was streaming with sweat. Also his hat was +missing, and there was a cut on his cheek. + +"You're hurt," I cried. + +"Right as rain," he panted. "Tell you 's we go." He started to pelt +up the street. I ran by his side. "'Bout two minutes after you'd +gone--fellow ran up t' the car in hell of a state--firs' couldn' make +out what matter was--talked too fast--then gathered, you'd sent +him--Adèle had been taken ill--lie, of course--see now--never occurred +to me at time--told him get on step and guide me--burst off up +street--lef' ri' lef stunt--'fore knew where I was, cul de sac--pulled +up--nex' second, both doors open and toughest cove 've ever seen told +me t' hop it--in bad American--round to t' left here--course I tumbled +at once--dirty work--tried t' hit him--nothing doing--tried to lock +car--couldn't--hauled out anyhow--no good yelling--ran find you--one +ray hope--out of petrol--I never stopped engine--petered out on its +own--can on step, I know--but they'll have to locate trouble--and then +decant--left again here ... no ... wait." He looked from side to side +anxiously. Then he swung round and glanced back. "Gad, I think we're +wrong." He started back frantically. "No, that's right. I 'member +that café." We swung round again. Arrived once more at the corner, +again he hesitated, twitching his lips nervously and sobbing for want +of breath. "These blasted streets," he jerked out. "I tried to +memorise 'em, but---- _There they are, Boy! There they are!_" + +It was true. + +Turning away from us into a street on our left, about forty paces away, +was our own blue coupé.... + +But for the fact that a cart was presenting a momentary obstruction, +our quarry would have been gone. As it was, I flung myself on to the +running-board as she was gathering speed.... + +Without a word, I thrust my arm in at the window and switched off the +engine. As she slowed up I leapt for the bonnet, whipped it open and +felt for the high-tension wire. At that moment the engine +re-started.... For a second whoever was driving fumbled with the +gears.... As the wheels meshed with a chunk, my fingers found what +they sought. The next instant the car lunged forward--and the wire +broke. + +I fell on my back, certainly, and my hand was bleeding, but I could +afford to smile. The gun was spiked. + +As I rose to my feet, the car came gently to rest twenty-five paces +away. + +"All right?" panted Berry by my side. + +"Every time," said I. "And now for it." I turned to a gaping youth. +"_Allez cherche la police,_" I flung at him. "_Vite!_" + +As we came up to the car-- + +"And may I ask," drawled a voice, "the meaning of this hold-up? I +guess you'll get tired of answering before you're through, but, as the +owner of this vehicle, I'm just curious." + +"Cut it out," said I shortly. "And just come out of that car. Both of +you." + +So far as the speaker's companion was concerned, my injunction was +supererogatory. Even as I spoke, with a scream of agony the latter +emerged from the car. Holding him fast by the wrist, Berry had almost +broken his arm across the jamb of the door. + +"And why?" said the voice imperturbably. + +"Because the game's up." I opened the door. "Besides, to tell you the +truth, we're rather particular about our cushions. Till now, no one +with more than three previous convictions has ever sat on them." + +With narrowed eyes, a very square-faced gentleman regarded me grimly. + +"If you hadn't damaged my car," he said slowly. "I'd get out and +refashion your physiognomy. But I guess I'll wait for the police." +And, with that, he drew a cigar from his pocket, bit off the end, spat, +and then lighted the brand with great deliberation. + +I began to think rapidly. + +Violence was out of the question. The fellow was far heavier than I, +and obviously as hard as nails. Moreover, I felt instinctively that +the Queensberry Rules did not mean much to him. As for cunning--well, +we were not in the same class. Here was an audacity such as I had not +dreamed of. Having lost one throw, the fellow was doubling his stake. +Hook having broken in his hand, he had dropped it and picked up Crook. +_His game was to bluff the French police_. That was why he was staying +in the car--to give the impression of ownership. If he could maintain +this impression, make it easy for the police to wash their hands of a +dispute between foreigners, so find favour in their eyes, just turn the +scale sufficiently to be allowed to proceed "pending the fullest +inquiries"--it might go hard with us.... + +I fancy he read my thoughts, for he took the cigar from his mouth and +laughed softly. + +"Up against it, aren't you?" he said. + +At last a _gendarme_ arrived, and five minutes later we were all on the +way to the police-station. + +This was not to my gentleman's taste, but he was too shrewd a knave to +press his point. Honesty was his best policy. He did demand hotly +that I should be taken in charge, but I had the better of him in +French, and after a moment he let that iron go. He fought very hard +for the services of a mechanic, but I was determined that the engine +should remain out of action, and, calling for volunteers upon the crowd +of unlookers, soon satisfied the _gendarme_ that to push the car to the +station was easy enough. + +Holding fast to the accomplice, who, for reasons best known to himself, +was adopting an injured air in sulky silence, Berry walked by my side. + +"What's his game?" he muttered. "In the face of our papers, he's done." + +"He'll swear they're his, for a monkey. They're in the car. Probably +read them through, while you were looking for me. And all the details +are on the Travelling Pass. But he's got to get over the photograph." + +"Well, it's up to you," said Berry. "I used to think I could bluff, +but this--this is beyond me." + +When we arrived at the police-station the chief of the police was +summoned, and we told our respective tales. + +Our enemy spoke first--shortly, but much to the point. + +He was returning, he said, to Pau, where he was staying with friends. +Finding that he had run out of petrol, while he was passing through +Tarbes, he had turned into a side-street to refill without obstructing +a main thoroughfare. As he was starting again, an assault had been +made--an unprovoked assault--seriously damaging the car. Thereupon he +had sent for the police. Now, foiled in their enterprise, the thieves, +he understood, were actually daring to say that he had assaulted them. +One of them--he nodded at Berry--had certainly been roughly handled, +but, Mon Dieu, what did they expect? (Here he took out his watch and +frowned at the dial.) And now would the police get to work? His +friends at Pau would be wondering what had become of him. + +I admit that you could have pushed me over. + +Upon the question of ownership the rogue said not a word. The whole +onus of raising that issue he had thrust on to me. I was to broach the +barrel of improbability, and by so doing to taint my whole case... + +The police were manifestly impressed. + +There was no doubt at all that we were up against it. + +The asperity with which the official asked me what we had to say sent +my heart into my boots. + +I started to tell my story. + +The moment I said that the car belonged to us, police and robber stared +at me as if bewitched. Then the latter exploded. + +It was certainly very well done. + +Such fulminations of outraged dignity, such out-pourings of righteous +indignation, never were witnessed. It took the united sympathy and +assurance of the whole personnel of the station, to smooth the ruffian +down. After a while, however, he condescended to see the humorous +side. The police laughed with him.... + +Throughout my recital I had to endure the like. + +As for the chief of police, he was plainly extremely bored. He +listened, patently because it was his duty to let me speak. His cold, +indifferent air, the way in which his eyes went straying about the +room, were simply maddening. + +Desperately endeavouring to keep my temper, I ploughed my way on. + +At last-- + +"Listen," I said dramatically. "You do not believe me. I do not blame +you. My friend has told a good tale. At present it is my word against +his. Supposing I bring some evidence?" + +"What evidence can you bring?" + +"The papers belonging to the car." I pointed to the usurper. "On his +own showing I cannot have seen them. Yet I will tell you their +contents. I pray you, send for them. They're in the left----" + +"Wrong, sonny," said my antagonist, tapping his coat. "I always carry +'em here." And, with that, he drew out our wallet and flung it upon +the desk. + +With our Pass in his hands, the chief of the police blinked at me. + +"The chassis number?" he said. + +"P 1709." + +Up went his eyebrows. + +"And on the number-plates?" + +"XD 2322." + +The official folded the Pass and shook his head. + +"Wrong," he said shortly. + +As I stared at him, frowning-- + +"Yes, sonny," said the jeering voice. "An' don't go putting it up that +you're J. Mansel, 'cause the picture's against you." + +With the words the truth came to me. + +It was Ping--Jonah's car--that was standing without in the street. +_And I had given Pong's numbers_.... + +With a grin of triumph the impostor rose to his feet. + +"So that's that," he drawled. "Well, I guess I'll be moving. As for +these climbers----" + +"Pardon me, sir," said Berry, in pretty fair French, "but you will do +nothing of the sort." He turned to the chief of the police and +inclined his head. "I am a nobleman, and--I should like a chair." + +For a moment the other stared at him; then he sent for a seat. Had I +stood in his shoes, I should have done the same. My brother-in-law's +air was irresistible. + +Berry sat down carefully. + +"I shall not," he said, "keep you long. This is not my car. It +belongs to my cousin, Captain Jonathan Mansel. Look at the Pass, +please, and check me. Captain Mansel was born at Guildford, Surrey, is +it not so? Good. Now I have given the birthplace." He shot out an +accusing hand. "_Ask that gentleman the date._" + +For the second time the tough exploded, but with a difference. This +time the wrath was genuine, the passion real. There was something +beastly about it. Beside this paroxysm the other outburst had been +almost refined. + +The official who had been about to speak looked at the fellow +curiously, and when, a moment later, the latter stretched out his hand +for the Pass, he held up a prohibitive palm. + +As the storm died down-- + +"Good," said Berry. "The gentleman doesn't want to. The date is +December the fifteenth, 1891." He sighed profoundly. Then: "You have +a _gendarme_ here," he said musingly, "called Jean Laffargue." + +The chief of the police stared. + +"Yes, _Monsieur_. He is there, by the door." + +Berry nodded. + +"He has a twin brother, hasn't he?" + +"Perfectly, _Monsieur_. He is called '_François._'" + +"Very likely," said Berry. "Very likely. I call him _Herbert_!" + +"_Monsieur le Comte_," said Herbert, stepping into the room. + +"Ah, Herbert," said Berry airily, "we meet again." He nodded at the +official. "Just tell this gentleman about this morning, will you? He +would, I think, be interested." + +To say that Herbert came up to the scratch is to do scant justice to +the testimony which he gave and to the manner in which he gave it. He +swore to Berry: he swore to me: and in all honesty he swore to the car. +For this, since Ping and Pong were duplicates, he may be forgiven. He +described the morning's incident with a wealth of picturesque detail +and an abundance of vivid imagery, while an astute cross-examination +only served to adorn the sincerity of his tale. + +Finally, in response to his entreaties, police and all, we followed him +into the street, where, displaying a histrionic ability which was truly +French, he proceeded to reconstruct and rehearse his great adventure +with the enthusiasm of a zealot. + +Watch in hand, Berry touched the chief of the police upon the shoulder. + +"By now," he said, "I think my cousin may have reached Pau. If you +would like to telephone...." + +He stopped suddenly to peer right and left into the darkness. + +The gentry had disappeared. + + * * * * * + +Ten minutes later, with a _gendarme_ on either step, we picked up an +anxious Adèle. Then we filled up with petrol, had my makeshift +connection replaced by a new wire, and started for home. + +As we passed the scene of our meeting with Herbert-- + +"Which goes to prove," said my brother-in-law, "the wisdom of catching +at straws. I noticed his likeness to Herbert the moment we entered the +room, and, for what it was worth, I kept my eye on him. Then a +_gendarme_ came in and whispered. I caught the words '_votre frère_.' +Laffargue shrugged his shoulders and glanced at the clock. It looked +as if his brother was waiting for him to come off duty. I began to +wonder whether the two were going to blow my ten francs. During one of +the arguments I shot my bolt. I asked him to tell his twin-brother +that the Count Blowfly was here and would be glad if he'd wait. He +stared rather, but, after a little hesitation, he slipped out of the +room. I think my heart stopped beating until he returned. When he +looked at me and nodded, I could have screamed with delight...." + +For a kilometre or so we sat in silence. + +Then-- + +"It reminds me of poker on board ship," said I. "Our friend of the +square jaw cuts in and, with the luck of an outsider, picks up four +kings." + +"That's it," said Berry. "And we hold three aces." + +"Exactly," said I. + +"But four kings beat three aces," said Adèle. + +"You're forgetting Herbert," said I. + +"No, I'm not," said my wife. "Herbert's the Ace of Spades." + +"No, sweetheart," said Berry. "He's the joker." + + * * * * * + +It was early upon the following morning that a letter was brought by +hand to our door. + + +_DEAR MRS. PLEYDELL,_ + +_I'm afraid you must have thought all sorts of things about me after +I'd gone yesterday, but I've just this moment had a telegram, and I'm +so excited I can hardly write. I know my name now. You see, I used to +be the Marquis Lecco. Then, when Father died, they said he'd never +been the Duke at all, and so I had no name. But now it's all settled, +and they've lost their case. And I can sign myself always,_ + + _Yours very sincerely, + PADUA._ + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HIS +TROTH + +That Jill was in love with the Duke of Padua was only less manifest +than that the Duke of Padua was in love with Jill. Something, however, +was wrong. So much our instinct reported. Our reason refused to +believe it, and, with one consent, we pretended that all was well. For +all that, there lay a shadow athwart the babies' path. Yet the sky was +cloudless.... The thing was too hard for us. + +With a sigh, I opened my case and took out a cigarette. Then I handed +the case to Berry. The latter waved it aside and wrinkled his nose. + +"I'm through," he said shortly. "Offal's all very well in an +incinerator, if the wind's the right way, but, as a substitute for +tobacco--well, it soon palls." + +I closed the case and slid it into my pocket. + +"I must confess," I said, "that I'm nearing the breaking-point." + +"Well, I wish you'd be quick and reach it," said Adèle. "How you can +go on at all, after finding that fly, I can't imagine." + +She shuddered at the memory. + +Less than a week ago a suspicious protuberance in the line of a local +cigarette had attracted my attention. Investigation had revealed the +presence of a perfect, if somewhat withered, specimen of the _musca +domestica_ imbedded in the vegetation which I had been proposing to +smoke. This was too much for the girls, none of whom had since touched +a cigarette, and when my brother-in-law suggested that the fly had +probably desired cremation, and urged that, however obnoxious, the +wishes of the dead should be respected, Daphne had reviled her husband +and requested Jonah to open the door, so that she could sit in a +draught. + +We were in a bad way. + +Now that we were in France, the difficulty of obtaining cigars, +cigarettes, or tobacco, such as we were used to enjoy, seemed to be +insuperable. The prohibitive duty, the uncertainty and by no means +infrequent failure of the French mails, brought the cost of procuring +supplies from England to a figure we could not stomach: attempts at +postal smuggling had ended in humiliating failure: the wares which +France herself was offering were not at all to our taste. We were +getting desperate. Jonah, who had smoked the same mixture for thirteen +years, was miserable. Berry's affection for a certain brand of cigars +became daily more importunate. My liver was suffering.... + +"We'd better try getting a licence to import," I said heavily. "It may +do something." + +"Ah," said my brother-in-law, drawing a letter from his pocket, "I knew +I had some news for you. I heard from George this morning. I admit I +don't often take advice, but this little missive sounds an unusually +compelling call. + +"_Above all, do not be inveigled into obtaining or, worse still, acting +upon, a so-called 'licence to import.' It is a copper-bottomed have. +I got one, when I was in Paris, gleefully ordered five thousand +cigarettes from Bond Street, and started to count the days. I soon got +tired of that. Three months later I got a dirty form from the Customs, +advising me that there was a case of cigarettes, addressed to me, lying +on the wharf at Toulon--yes, Toulon. They added that the charges to be +paid before collection amounted to nine hundred francs by way of duty, +eleven hundred and sixty-five by way of freight, and another three +francs forty for every day they remained in the Custom House. In this +connection, they begged to point out that they had already lain there +for six weeks. Friend, can you beat it? But what, then, did I do? +Why, I took appropriate action. I wrote at once, saying that, as I was +shortly leaving for New York, I should be obliged if they would forward +them via Liverpool to the Piraeus: I inquired whether they had any +objection to being paid in roubles: and I advised them that I was +shortly expecting a pantechnicon, purporting to contain furniture, but, +in reality, full of mines. These I begged them to handle with great +care and to keep in a temperature never higher than thirty-seven +degrees Fahrenheit, as they were notoriously sensitive, and I +particularly wished to receive them intact. I added that the +pantechnicon would be consigned to me under another name. A fair +knowledge of the French temperament suggests to me that the next two or +three furniture vans which arrive at Toulon will be very stickily +welcomed._" + +I threw away my cigarette and stared at the mountains. + +"'Though every prospect pleases,'" I murmured, "'and only fags are +vile.'" + +"The only thing to do," said Adèle, "is to have a little sent out from +England from time to time, and ration yourselves accordingly." + +Berry shook his head. + +"Easier to stop altogether," he said. "Tobacco's not like food. (I'm +not speaking of the stuff you get here. Some of that is extremely like +food--of a sort. I should think it would, as they say, 'eat lovely.') +Neither is it like liquor. You don't carry a flask or a bottle of beer +in your hip-pocket--more's the pity. But nobody's equipment is +complete without a case or a pouch. Why? So that the moment this +particular appetite asserts itself, it can be gratified. No. +Smoking's a vice; and as soon as you clap a vice in a strait-jacket, it +loses its charm. A cigar three times a day after meals doesn't cut any +ice with me." He tilted his hat over his eyes and sank his chin upon +his chest. "And now don't talk for a bit. I want to concentrate." + +Adèle laid a hand upon his arm. + +"One moment," she said. "If the car arrives before you've finished, +are we to interrupt you?" + +"Certainly not, darling. Signal to the driver to stop in the middle +distance. Oh, and ask approaching pedestrians to keep on the grass. +Should any children draw near, advise their nurse that I have the +mumps." + +We were sitting upon a seat in the Parc Beaumont, revelling in the +temper of the sunshine and the perfection of the air. A furlong away, +Daphne, Jill, and Jonah were playing tennis, with Piers, Duke of Padua, +to make a fourth. Nobby and a fox-terrier were gambolling upon an +adjacent lawn. + +Pau has many virtues, all but one of which may, I suppose, be severally +encountered elsewhere upon the earth. The one, however, is her +peculiar. The place is airy, yet windless. High though she stands, +and clear by thirty miles of such shelter as the mountains can give, by +some queer trick of Nature's, upon the map of Æolus Pau and her +pleasant precincts are shown as forbidden ground. There is no stiff +breeze to rake the boulevard: there are no gusts to buffet you at +corners: there are no draughts in the streets. The flow of sweet fresh +air is rich and steady, but it is never stirred. A mile away you may +see dust flying; storm and tempest savage the Pyrenees: upon the +gentlest day fidgety puffs fret Biarritz, as puppies plague an old +hound. But Pau is sanctuary. Once in a long, long while some errant +blast blunders into the town. Then, for a second of time, the place is +Bedlam. The uncaught shutters are slammed, the unpegged laundry is +sent whirling, and, if the time is evening, the naked flames of lamps +are blown out. But before a match can be lighted, the air is still +again. And nobody cares. It was an accident, and Pau knows it. +Probably the gust had lost its way and was frightened to death. Such a +thing will not happen again for two or three months.... + +"I like Piers," said Adèle suddenly. "But I think he might kiss my +hand." + +"How dare you?" said I. + +"I do really," said Adèle. "He kisses Daphne's and he actually kisses +Jill's." + +"That's all wrong," said I. "You don't kiss a maiden's hand." + +"Of course you do," grunted Berry. "A well-bred son of Italy----" + +"But he isn't a son of Italy. He's English on both sides." + +"I'm not talking of his sides," said Berry. "It's a matter of bosom. +You may have English forbears, but if they've been Italian dukes for +two centuries, it's just possible that they've imbibed something +besides Chianti. Personally, I think it's a very charming custom. It +saves wiping your mouth, and----" + +"Well, why doesn't he kiss my hand?" said Adèle. + +"Because, sweetheart, you are--were American. And--he's very +punctilious--he probably thinks that a quondam citizen might have no +use for such circumstance." + +"I should," said Adèle. "I should just love it. I like Piers." + +I looked across at my brother-in-law. + +"D'you hear that?" I inquired. "She likes him." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"I told her not to marry you," he said. + +"No, you didn't," said Adèle. "You egged me on." + +"Oh, you wicked story," said Berry. "Why, I fairly spread myself on +the brutality of his mouth." + +"You said he was honest, sober, and hard-working." + +"Nonsense," said Berry. "I was talking of somebody else. I have seen +him sober, of course, but---- Besides, you were so precipitate. You +had an answer for everything. When I spoke of his ears, you said you'd +get used to them: and when I asked you if you'd noticed----" + +"I shan't," said Adèle. "I mean, I didn't. However, it's done now. +And, after all, he's very convenient. If we hadn't got married, I +shouldn't have wintered at Pau. And if I hadn't wintered at Pau, I +shouldn't have met Piers." + +"True," said Berry, "true. There's something in that." He nodded in +my direction. "D'you find he snores much?" + +"Nothing to speak of," said Adèle. "Used he to?" + +"Like the devil," said Berry. "The vibration was fearful. We had to +have his room underpinned." + +"Oh, he's quite all right now," said my wife. "Indeed, as husbands go, +he's--he's very charming." + +"You don't mean to say you still love him?" + +"I--I believe I do." + +"Oh, the girl's ill," said Berry. "Put your head between your knees, +dear, and think of a bullock trying to pass through a turnstile. And +why 'as husbands go'? As a distinguished consort, I must protest +against that irreverent expression." + +"Listen," said Adèle, laughing. "All women adore ceremonious +attention--even Americans. The ceremonious attentions of the man they +love are the sweetest of all. It's the tragedy of every happy marriage +that, when comradeship comes in at the door, ceremony flies out of the +window. Now, my husband's my king. Once he was my courtier. I +wouldn't go back for twenty million worlds, but--I've got a smile for +the old days." + +"I know," said Berry softly. "I know. Years ago Daphne told me the +same. And I tried and tried.... But it wouldn't work somehow. She +was very sweet about it, and very wise. 'Ceremony,' she said, 'gets as +far as the finger-tips.' I vowed I'd carry it further, but she only +smiled.... We retired there and then, ceremoniously enough, to dress +for dinner. I'd bathed and changed and got as far as my collar, when +the stud fell down my back. I pinched it between my shoulder-blades. +At that moment she came to the door to see if I was ready...." He +spread out expressive hands. "They talk about the step from the +sublime to the ridiculous. We didn't use any stairs; we went down in +the lift. After that I gave up trying. A sense of humour, however, +has pulled us through, and now we revile one another." + +"And so, you see," said Adèle, slipping an arm through mine, "Piers has +wares to offer me which you haven't. The shame of it is, he won't +offer them. Still, he's very nice. The way in which he solemnly takes +us all for granted is most attractive. He's as natural as a baby a +year old. He just bows very courteously and then joins in the game. +The moment it's over, he makes his bow and retires. We call him Piers: +he calls us by our Christian names--and we haven't known him a week. +It's not self-confidence; it's just pure innocence." + +"I confess it's remarkable," said I. "And I don't wonder you like him. +All the same, I'm sorry----" + +"There!" cried Adèle suddenly, pointing across the lawn. "Boy, he's +gone in again." + +I reached the edge of the ornamental water in time to observe the +Sealyham emerge upon the opposite bank. + +"You naughty dog," said I. "You naughty, wicked dog." Nobby shook +himself gleefully. "No, don't come across. Go round the other way. +Go back!" + +The dog hesitated, and, by way of turning the scale, I threw my stick +for him to retrieve. As this left my hand, the hook caught in my cuff, +and the cane fell into mid-stream.... + +As Nobby climbed out with the stick, the park-keeper arrived--a crabbed +gentleman, in a long blue cloak and the deuce of a stew. + +The swans, he said, would be frightened. (There was one swan, three +hundred yards away.) Always they were being pursued by bold dogs. +_Mon Dieu_, but it was shameful. That hounds should march unled in the +Parc Beaumont was forbidden--absolutely. Not for them to uproot were +the trees and flowers planted. Where, then, was my attachment? And I +had encouraged my dog. Actually I had made sport for him. He had seen +the deed with his eyes.... + +One paw raised, ears pricked, his little head on one side, his small +frame quivering with excitement, his bright brown eyes alight with +expectation, a dripping Nobby regarded us.... + +I took a note from my pocket. + +"He is a wicked dog," I said. "There. He pays his fine. As for me, I +shall be punished enough. My home is distant, and I was to have +driven. Now he is wet and must grow dry, so I must walk. I will think +out his punishment as I go." And, with that, I hooked my cane to the +delinquent's collar and turned away. + +"_Pardon, Monsieur._" The old fellow came shambling after us. +"_Pardon_, but do not punish him, I pray you." Nobby screwed round his +head and looked at him. "Oh, but how handsome he is! Perhaps he did +not understand. And I should be sorry to think ..." Nobby started +towards him and moved his tail. "See how he understands. He has the +eyes of a dove." He stooped to caress his _protégé_. "Ah, but you are +cold, my beauty. Unleash him, _Monsieur_, I pray you, that he may warm +himself. I shall not notice him." As I did his bidding, and Nobby +capered away, "_Bon,_" he said pleasedly. "_Bon. Au revoir, mon +beau._" He straightened his bowed shoulders and touched his hat. "_A +votre service, Monsieur._" + +I returned thoughtfully to where Adèle and Berry were sitting, watching +us closely and pretending that we did not belong to them. So far as +personal magnetism was concerned, between Nobby and the Duke of Padua +there seemed to be little to choose. To judge by results, the two were +equally irresistible. In the race for the Popularity Stakes the rest +of the males of our party were simply nowhere. + +With a sigh, a blue coupé slid past me and then slowed down. The grey +two-seater behind it did the same. When I say that Daphne, who loathes +mechanics, was seated in the latter conveyance, submitting zealously to +an oral examination by Piers regarding the particular functions of the +various controls, it will be seen that my recent conclusions were well +founded. + +"Letters," said Jill, getting out of the coupé. "One for Berry and two +for Adèle." She distributed them accordingly. "Fitch brought them up +on his bicycle. And Piers' aunt is coming--the one whose villa he's +at. I forgot her name, but he says she's awfully nice." + +"Splendid," said I. "And now congratulate me. Having tramped the town +all the morning, I've got to walk home." + +"Why?" + +I pointed to Nobby. + +"That he may warm himself," I said. + +My cousin gave a horrified cry. + +"Oh, Boy! And we only washed him last night." + +"I'll take him," cried Piers. "I'd like to. And you can drive Daphne +back." + +I shook my head, laughing. + +"It's his master's privilege," I said. "Besides, he's had his +scolding, and if I deserted him he'd be hurt. And he's really a good +little chap." + +"But----" + +"My dear Piers," said Daphne, laying a hand on his arm, "rather than +risk hurting that white scrap's feelings, my brother would walk to +Lyons." + +"You will all," said Berry, "be diverted to learn that I am faced with +the positively filthy prospect of repairing to London forthwith. After +spending a quarter of an hour in an overheated office in New Square, +Lincoln's Inn, in the course of which I shall make two affidavits which +nobody will ever read, I shall be at liberty to return. Give me the +Laws of England." + +"Never mind, old chap," said Daphne. "We'll soon be back again. I +shall go with you, of course. Ought we to start to-night?" + +Considering that there was snow in London, that the visit would entail +almost continuous travelling for nearly thirty hours each way, and that +my sister cannot sleep in a train, it seemed as if Berry, at any rate, +was pulling out of the ruck. + +"My sweet," replied my brother-in-law, "I won't hear of it. However, +we'll argue it out in private. Yes, I must start to-night." + +"You must go?" said Jonah softly. + +"Can't get out of it." + +"Right." My cousin leaned out of the car. "I'll give you my +tobacconist's address. The best way will be to have the stuff decanted +and sewn in your coat." + +There was a pregnant silence. + +Then-- + +"Saved!" I cried exultantly. "Saved!" + +"What d'you mean--'Saved'?" said Berry. + +"Hush," said I, looking round. "Not an 'h' mute! This summons of +yours is a godsend. With a little ingenuity, you can bring enough +contraband in to last us till May." + + * * * * * + +If our efforts to induce my brother-in-law to see reason were +eventually successful, this was no more than we deserved. We made +light of the risk of detection, we explained how the stuff could be +concealed, we told him the demeanour to assume, we said we wished we +were going, we declared it was done every day, we indemnified him +against fines, we entreated, we flattered, we cajoled, we appealed to +him "as a sportsman," we said it was "only right," we looked +unutterable things, and at last, half an hour before it was time for +him to start for the station, he promised, with many misgivings and +expressions of self-reproach, to see what he could do. Instantly, from +being his suppliants, we became his governors; and the next twenty +minutes were employed in pouring into his ears the most explicit +directions regarding his purchase and disposal of our particular +fancies. Finally we made out a list.... + +He had absolutely refused to allow my sister to accompany him, but we +all went down to the station to see him off. + +As we were pacing the platform-- + +"Have you got the list?" said Jonah. + +The same question had been asked before--several times. + +"Yes," said Berry, "I have. And if anybody asks me again, I shall +produce it and tear it into shreds before their eyes." + +"Well, for Heaven's sake, don't lose it," said I, "because----" + +"To hear you," said Berry, "anybody would think that I was mentally +deficient. Anybody would think that I was going to enclose it in a +note to the Customs, telling them to expect me on Saturday, disguised +in a flat 'at and a bag of gooseberries, and advising them to pull up +their socks, as I should resist like a madman. I don't know what's the +matter with you." + +We endeavoured to smooth him down. + +"And if," purred Daphne, "if there should be any--that is--what I mean +is, should any question arise----" + +Berry laughed hysterically. + +"Yes," he said, "go on. 'Any question.' Such as whether they can give +me more than five years' hard labour. I understand." + +"--get on the telephone to Berwick. He knows the President personally +and can do anything." + +"Sweetheart," replied her husband, "you may bet your most precious +life.... If Berwick wasn't in Paris, I wouldn't touch the business +with the end of a forty-foot pole." + +"I wish I was going with you," said Daphne wistfully. + +Berry took off his hat. + +"You are," he said gently, "you are." He laid his hand upon his heart. +"I wish I could put the tobacco in the same poor place. But that's +impossible. For one thing, lady, you've all the room there is." + +Which was pretty good for a king who hadn't been a courtier for nearly +nine years. + + * * * * * + +It was upon the following afternoon that Adèle, who was brushing Nobby, +sat back on her heels. + +"When Jill," she said, "becomes the Duchess of Padua, what bloods we +shall be." + +"She isn't there yet," said I. + +"Where?" + +"My sweet," said I, "I apologise. I was using a figure of speech, +which is at once slipshod and American." + +"That," said my wife, "is the worst of being English. You're like the +Indian tailor who was given a coat to copy and reproduced a tear in the +sleeve. Imitation can be too faithful. Never mind. I forgive you." + +"D'you hear that, Nobby?" The terrier started to his feet. "Did you +hear what the woman said? That we, who have founded precedents from +time immemorial--that you and I, who taught America to walk----" + +"He's Welsh," said Adèle. + +"I don't care. It's scandalous. Who defiled the Well of English? And +now we're blamed for drinking the water." + +Adèle looked out of the window and smiled at a cloud. + +"Once," she said slowly, "once I asked you if you would have known I +was an American.... And when you said 'Yes,' I asked you why.... Do +you remember your answer? ... Of course," she added swiftly, "that was +before we were married." + +"You beautiful witch," said I. "You unkind, beautiful witch. You've +only to touch the water with the tip of your little red tongue to make +it pure. You've only to put your lips to it to make it the sweetest +music that ever a poor fool heard. You've only to smile like that to +make me proud to kiss your shining foot." + +"Nobby!" cried Adèle. "Oh, Nobby! Did you hear that? Did you hear +what the man said? A real courtier's speech! But how can he kiss my +feet when I'm sitting on them?" + +I stepped to her side, picked her up, and swung her on to a table. + +Then I kissed her sweet insteps. + +From her perch my wife addressed the Sealyham. + +"It's all right, Nobby," she said relievedly. "He is a king, after +all. Only a king would have done that." + +As I sat down by her side-- + +"I'd love to be a queen," cried a voice. "Love to. Wouldn't you like +to be a king?" + +It was Jill speaking. + +The fresh tones came floating up and in at the open window. She could +not have heard our words. It was pure coincidence. + +Adèle and I sat very still. + +"I don't know," said Piers slowly. + +"I'll tell you what I'd do," said Jill. "I'd--Piers, what is the +matter?" + +"Nothing," said Piers. + +"There is," said Jill accusingly. "You know there is. I can see it in +your eyes. What are you thinking about?" + +"I--I don't know," stammered her swain. + +"I think you might tell me," said Jill aggrievedly. "I always tell you +everything. Once or twice lately you've got all quiet suddenly--I +can't think why. Is it because your aunt's coming?" + +Piers laughed bitterly. + +"Good Heavens, no," he said. + +"Well, why is it, then?" + +For a moment there was no answer. + +Then all of a sudden the sluice-gate of speech was pulled up. + +"Oh, Jill, Jill, Jill... I could go on saying your name for the rest +of my life! I say it all the way home. I say it as I'm going to +sleep. I say it when I wake in the morning... I saw you first at +Biarritz. You never knew. I was staying with some Italian people. +They've got a place there. And I was alone in the grounds. And then I +saw you--with Boy. You looked so wonderful.... All in green you were, +standing with your feet close together, and your head on one side. +Your hair was coming down, and the sun was shining on it.... I found +out who you were, and came to Pau. I wanted to get to know you. I +felt I must. And, whenever you all went out, I followed in the +two-seater. And then--I got to know you--at St. Bertrand--that +wonderful, wonderful day.... I--was--so--awfully--happy.... And +now"--his voice sank to a wail--"I wish I hadn't. If only I'd stopped +to think.... But I didn't. I just knew I wanted to be with you, and +that was all. Oh," he burst out suddenly, "why did I ever do it? Why +did I ever follow you--that wonderful day? If I'd dreamed how +miserable it'd make me, how miserably wretched I'd be... It's the +dreadful hopelessness, Jill, the dreadful hopelessness.... But I can't +help it. It's something stronger than me. It's not enough to be with +you. I want to touch you: I want to put my arms round your neck: I +want to play with your hair.... Of course I'm terribly lucky to be +able to kiss your hand, but---- Ah, don't be frightened. I was--only +playing, Jill, only pretending. And now I'm going to be all serious +again--not quiet, but serious. Good-bye, Madonna. Have you ever seen +_Pagliacci_? Where the fellow bursts into tears? I think I could do +that part this afternoon...." + +A light padding upon the gravel came to our ears. + +Then a car's door slammed. + +A moment later Piers' two-seater purred its way down the drive.... + +Adèle and I continued to sit very still. + +Presently I turned to her and raised my eyebrows. + +"Hopelessness?" I whispered. "Hopelessness? What on earth does he +mean?" + +My wife shrugged her shoulders helplessly. + +Then she laid a finger upon her lips. + +I nodded obediently. + + * * * * * + +"Yes," said Berry, "you see in me a nervous wreck. My heart's +misfiring, I'm over at the knees, and with the slightest encouragement +I can break into a cold sweat." + +He sank into a chair and covered his eyes.... + +I had meant to meet him at the station, but the early train had beaten +me, so Fitch had gone with the car. Indeed, it was not yet eight +o'clock, and Daphne was still abed. That had not prevented us from +following Berry into her room, any more than had the fact that no one +of us was ready for breakfast. I had no coat or waistcoat: so far as +could be seen, Jonah was attired in a Burberry and a pair of trousers: +a glance at Adèle suggested that she was wearing a fur coat, silk +stockings, and a tortoise-shell comb, while Jill was wrapped in a +kimono, with her fresh fair hair tumbled about her shoulders. + +Jonah voiced our anxiety. + +"You--you've got the goods?" + +"They're downstairs," said Berry. "But don't question me. I can't +bear it. I'll tell you all in a minute, but you must let me alone. +Above all, don't thwart me. I warn you, my condition is critical." + +He sighed heavily. + +Apparently impressed by his demeanour, Nobby approached, set his paws +upon his knee, and licked his face. + +"There you are," said Berry, lifting the dog to his lap. "The very +fowls of the air pity me. No, it's not a sore, old chap. It's where I +cut myself yesterday. But I'm just as grateful. And now lie still, my +beauty, and poor old Sit-tight the Smuggler will tell you such a tale +as will thicken your blood. + +"Upon Friday morning last I purchased a uniform-case. Not a new +one--the oldest and most weather-beaten relic I could procure. On +Friday evening I packed it. One thousand cigars, five thousand +cigarettes, and six pounds of tobacco looked very well in it. My +sword, a pair of field boots, breeches, coat--carefully folded to +display the staff badges--and my red hat looked even better. I filled +up with socks, shirts, puttees, slacks, spurs and all the old emblems +of Mars that I could lay my hands on. Finally I leavened the lot with +a pound of the best white pepper--to discourage the moths, my fellow, +to discourage the moths." + +His tone suggesting the discomfiture of the wicked, the Sealyham barked +his applause. + +"Quite so. Well, I locked the case up and corded it, and precisely at +ten o'clock I retired to bed. + +"I never remember feeling so full of beans as I did the next morning. +I could have bluffed my way across Europe with a barrel of whiskey on a +lead. I felt ready for anything. Sharp at a quarter to eleven I was +at the station, and one minute later a porter, with the physique of a +blacksmith, had the box on his shoulder and my dressing-case in his +hand. + +"It was as he was preparing to lay his spoils at the feet of the +registration-monger that my bearer trod upon a banana-skin.... To say +that he took a toss, conveys nothing at all. It was the sort of fall +you dream of--almost too good to be true. And my uniform-case, of +which he never let go, described a very beautiful parabola, and then +came down upon the weigh-bridge, as the swiple of an uplifted flail +comes down upon grain.... + +"Both hinges went, of course. It says much for the box that the whole +thing didn't melt then and there. If I hadn't corded it, most of the +stuff would have been all over the Vauxhall Bridge Road. + +"Well, I was so rattled that I could hardly think. I joined +mechanically in the laughter, I assured complete strangers that it +didn't matter at all, I carried through the registration like a man in +a dream, and I tipped everybody I could see. It was as I was thrusting +blindly towards the gates that I first realised that half the people in +the place were sneezing to glory. I was still digesting this +phenomenon when I sneezed myself.... + +"Still it never occurred to me. There are times when you have to be +told right out. I didn't have to wait long. + +"As I presented my ticket, a truck full of luggage was pushed through +the gate next to mine. The porters about it were sneezing bitterly. +'Snuff?' said one of them contemptuously. 'Snuff be blarsted! _It's +pepper!_' + +"Whether at that moment my stomach in fact slipped or not I am unable +to say, but the impression that my contents had dropped several inches +was overwhelming. + +"I staggered into the Pullman, more dead than alive.... After a large +barley and a small water, I felt somewhat revived, but it was not until +the train was half-way to Dover that I had myself in hand. I was just +beginning under the auspices of a second milk and soda, to consider my +hideous plight, when a genial fool upon the opposite side of the table +asked me if I had 'witnessed the comedy at Victoria.' Icily I +inquired: 'What comedy?' He explained offensively that 'some cuckoo +had tried the old wheeze of stuffing pepper in his trunk to put off the +Customs,' and that the intended deterrent had untimely emerged. My +brothers, conceive my exhilaration. 'The old wheeze.' I could have +broken the brute's neck. When he offered me a filthy-looking cigar +with a kink in it, and said with a leer that I shouldn't 'get many like +that on the other side of the Chops,' I could have witnessed his +mutilation unmoved.... + +"Still, it's an ill wind.... The swine's words were like a spur. I +became determined to get the stuff through. + +"Grimly I watched the case go on to the boat, to the accompaniment of +such nasal convulsions as I had never believed to be consistent with +life itself. By way of diverting suspicion, I asked one of the crew +what was the matter. His blasphemous answer was charged with such +malignity that I found it necessary to stay myself with yet another +still lemonade. + +"Arrived at Calais, I hurried on board the train. + +"The journey to Paris was frightful. The nearer we got, the more +dishevelled became my wits. The power of concentration deserted me. +Finally, as we were running in, I found that I had forgotten the French +for 'moths.' I'd looked it out the night before: I'd been murmuring it +all day long: and now, at the critical moment, it had deserted me. I +clasped my head in my hands and thought like a madman. Nothing doing. +I thought all round it, of course. I thought of candles and camphor +and dusk. My vocabulary became gigantic, but it did not include the +French equivalent for 'moths.' In desperation I approached my +_vis-à-vis_ and, in broken accents, implored him to tell me 'the French +for the little creatures which you find in your clothes.'... + +"I like the French. If I'd asked an Englishman, he'd have pulled the +communication-cord, but this fellow never so much as stared. He just +released a little spurt of good-will and then started in, as if his +future happiness depended on putting me straight. 'But I was meaning +the fleas. Oh, indubitably. Animals most gross. Only last November +he himself....' It took quite a lot of persuasion to get him off +fleas. Then he offered me lice. I managed to make him understand that +the attack was delivered when the clothes were unoccupied. Instantly +he suggested rats. With an effort I explained that the things I meant +were winged. As the train came to a standstill, he handed me +'_chauvesouris_.' Bats! I ask you.... + +"I stepped on to the platform as if I was descending into my tomb. How +I got to the baggage-room, I'm hanged if I know; but I remember +standing there, shivering and wiping the sweat off my face. Truck by +truck the registered baggage appeared.... + +"I heard my case coming for about a quarter of a mile. + +"The architecture of the baggage-room at the _Gare du Nord_ may be +crude, but its acoustic properties are superb. The noise which +accompanied the arrival of the cortege was simply ear-splitting. I was +in the very act of wondering whether, if I decided to retire, my legs +would carry me, when, with a crash, my uniform-case was slammed on to +the counter three paces away.... + +"A cloud of pepper arose from it, and in an instant all was confusion. +Passengers and porters in the vicinity dropped everything and made a +rush for the doors. A Customs official, who was plumbing the depths of +a basket-trunk, turned innocently enough to see the case smoking at his +elbow, dropped his cigar into some blouses, let out the screech of a +maniac and threw himself face downward upon the floor. Somebody cried: +'Women and children first!' And, the supreme moment having arrived, +I--I had the brain-wave. + +"I stepped to the case and, with most horrible oaths, flung my hat upon +the ground, smote upon the counter with my fist and started to rave +like a fanatic. I made the most awful scene. I roared out that it was +my box, and that it and its contents were irretrievably ruined. +Gradually curiosity displaced alarm, and people began to return. I +yelled and stamped more than ever. I denounced the French railways, I +demanded the station-master, I swore I'd have damages, I tore off the +cords, I lifted the lid, I alternately sneezed and raged, and, finally, +I took out my tunic and shook it savagely. In vain the excisemen +insisted that it was not their business. I cursed them bitterly, +jerked an ounce of pepper out of a pair of brogues, and replied that +they were responsible.... + +"It was after I had shaken my second pair of slacks that the officials, +with streaming eyes, began to beseech me to unpack the case no further. +If only they'd known, I didn't need much inducing. I could see the +shape of a cigarette-box under one of my shirts. Of course I argued a +bit, for the look of the thing, but eventually I allowed myself to be +persuaded and shoved the kit back. Finally they scrawled all over the +lid with pieces of chalk, and, vowing the most hideous vengeance and +invoking the British Ambassador, I stalked in the wake of my box out of +the station. + +"I was through. + +"I had my dinner in bed. I think I deserved it. Still, I suppose it +was indiscreet to have ordered lobster _á la Newburg_. I have slept +better. I _was_ sleeping better at half-past eight the next morning, +when a waiter entered to say that _there was an official to see me from +the Gare du Nord_.... + +"Believing it to be another dream, I turned over and shut my eyes. The +waiter approached and, touching me on the arm, repeated his ghastly +communication. With a frightful effort I explained that I had the ague +and could see nobody for some days. Mercifully he retired, and for a +little space I lay in a sort of trance. After a bit I began to wonder +what, in the name of Heaven, I was to do. I was afraid to get up, and +I was afraid to stay in bed. I was afraid to stop in the hotel, and I +was terrified of meeting the official downstairs. I was afraid to +leave the case there, and I was still more afraid to take it away. I +was getting hungry, and I was afraid to ring for breakfast. It was a +positively poisonous position. Finally, after a lot of thought, I got +up, bolted the door, unpacked the blasted box and shoved all the +tobacco in the drawers of the wardrobe. Luckily there was a key. The +kit I disposed naturally enough. Then I had a bath and dressed. + +"As I was fastening my collar, the telephone went. It was the _Gare du +Nord_. I jammed the receiver back. + +"As I passed through the hall, a clerk dashed after me 'The _Gare du +Nord_,' he said, 'were insisting upon seeing me about a case of mine.' +I replied that I was busy all day, and could see nobody before six +o'clock. I didn't mention that my train went at five. It was as well +I didn't argue, for, as I left the hotel, a station official entered. +I leapt into a taxi and told the driver to go to _Notre Dame_. Not +that I felt like Church, but it was the first place I could think of. +Somebody shouted after me, but--well, you know how they drive in Paris. +I stopped round the second corner, discharged the taxi, and walked to a +restaurant. By rights, I should have been ravenous. As it was, the +food stuck in my throat. A bottle of lime-juice, however, pulled me +together. After luncheon I went to a cinema--I had to do something. +Besides, the darkness attracted me.... I fancy I dozed for a bit. Any +way, the first thing I remember was a couple of men being arrested in +the lounge of a hotel. It was most realistic. What was more, the +clerk who had run after me in the morning and the clerk on the screen +might have been twins.... I imagine that my hair rose upon my head, +and for the second time it seemed certain that I had mislaid my paunch. + +"I got out of the place somehow, to find that it was snowing. For the +next hour I drove up and down the _Champs Elysêes_. I only hope the +driver enjoyed it more than I did. At last, when pneumonia seemed very +near, I told him to drive to the hotel. + +"I fairly whipped through the hall and into the lift. As this +ascended, a page arrived at the gate and spoke upward. I didn't hear +what he said. + +"When I was in a hot bath, the telephone went. I let the swine ring. +Finally somebody came and knocked at the door. Of my wisdom I hadn't +bolted it, so, after waiting a little, they entered. I lay in the bath +like the dead. After a good look round, they went away.... + +"By twenty past four I'd dressed, and repacked the case. I rang for a +porter, told him to shove it on a taxi, and descended to settle my +bill. Mercifully, the clerk who had stopped me in the morning was off +duty. I could have squealed with delight. I paid my reckoning, tipped +about eight people I'd never seen before, and climbed into the cab. +Ten minutes later I was at the _Quai d'Orsay_. + +"By the time I was in the wagon lit it was ten minutes to five.... + +"I sank down upon the seat in silent gratitude. The comfortable glow +of salvation began to steal over my limbs. I looked benevolently about +me. I reflected that, after all, the last thirty hours of my life had +been rich with valuable experience. Smilingly I decided not to regret +them. When I thought of the scene in the baggage-room, I actually +laughed. Then the conductor put his head in at the door and said that +there was somebody to see me from the _Gare du Nord_." + +Berry suspended his recital and buried his face in his hands. + +"I shall never be the same again," he said brokenly. "Never again. Up +to then I had a chance--a sporting chance of recovery. At that moment +it snapped. In a blinding flash I saw what a fool I'd been. If I'd +only stayed on the platform, if I'd only gone into the restaurant car, +if I'd only locked myself in a lavatory till the train had started, I +should have been all right. As it was, I was caught--bending. + +"It was the official I'd seen in the morning all right. After a +preliminary flurry of ejaculation, he locked the door behind him and +began to talk.... Don't ask me what he said, because I didn't hear. +When the rope's round your neck, you're apt to miss the subtleties of +the hangman's charge. After a time I realised that he was asking me a +question. I stared at him dully and shook my head. With a gesture of +despair, he glanced at his watch. + +"'_Monsieur_,' he said, 'the train departs. I have sought you all day. +The superintendent has told me to speak with you at all costs--to beg +that you will lodge no complaint. He is desolated that your baggage +was injured. It is a misfortune frightful. He cannot think how it has +occurred. But to complain--no. I will tell _Monsieur_ the truth. +Twice in the last half-year an English officer's baggage has gone +astray. But one more complaint from your Embassy, and the +superintendent will be replaced. And in ten short days, _Monsieur_, he +will have won his pension.... Ah, _Monsieur_, be merciful.' + +"I was merciful. + +"I waved the fellow away and swore haltingly that I would say nothing. +We mingled a few tears, and he got out as the train was moving.... + +"And there you are. I'd got my reprieve. Everything in the garden was +lovely. But I couldn't enjoy it. My spirits failed to respond." He +took the Sealyham's head between his hands and gazed into his eyes. + + "O Nobwell, Nob-well! + Had I but seen the fool at half-past eight + As he desired, he would not in the train + Have put the wind up me so hellishly." + + +There was a moment's silence. + +Then Jonah stepped to my brother-in-law and clapped him on the back. + +"Brother," he said, "I take my hat off. I tell you frankly I couldn't +have done it. I wouldn't have claimed that case at Paris for a +thousand pounds." + +Clamorously we endorsed his approval. + +By way of acknowledgment the hero groaned. + +"What you want," said I, "is a good night's rest. By mid-day to-morrow +you'll be touching the ground in spots." + +"I shan't be touching it at all," said Berry. "If it's nice and warm, +I shall have a Bath chair, which you and Jonah will propel at a +convenient pace. Nobby will sit at my feet as a hostage against your +careless negotiation of gradients." He drew a key from his pocket and +pitched it on to a table. "I fancy," he added, "I heard them put the +case on the landing: and as I propose, decorative though it is, to +remove my beard, perhaps one of you wasters will fetch me a cigarette." + +There was a rush for the door. + +True enough, the uniform-case was outside. + +Jonah and I had its cords off in twenty seconds. + +One hinge was broken and some khaki was protruding. + +Adèle thrust the key into the lock. This was too stiff for her +fingers, so after a desperate struggle, she let me have at the wards.... + +After an exhausting two minutes we sent for a cold-chisel.... + +As the lock yielded, Berry appeared upon the scene. + +For a moment he stared at us. Then-- + +"But why not gun-cotton?" he inquired. "That's the stuff to open a +broken box with, if you don't like the look of the key. You know, +you're thwarting me. And don't try to turn the lid back, because there +aren't any hin----" + +The sentence was never finished. + +As I lifted the lid, my brother-in-law fell upon his knees. With +trembling hands he plucked at a Jaeger rug, reposing, carefully folded, +upon the top of some underclothes. Then he threw back his head and +took himself by the throat. + +"Goats and monkeys!" he shrieked. "_It's somebody else's case!_" + + * * * * * + +When, twenty-four hours later, a letter arrived from Piers' aunt, +inviting us all to tea, we accepted, not because we felt inclined to go +junketing, but because we did not wish to seem rude. + +We were in a peevish mood. For this the loss of our forbidden fruit +was indirectly responsible. The immediate cause of our ill-humour was +the exasperating reflection that we were debarred from taking even +those simple steps which lead to the restoration of lost luggage. We +stood in the shoes of a burglar who has been robbed of his spoils. As +like as not, our precious uniform-case was lying at the station, +waiting to be claimed. Yet we dared not inquire, because of what our +inquiries might bring forth. Of course the authorities might be +totally ignorant of its contents. But then, again, they might not. It +was a risk we could not take. The chance that, by identifying our +property, we might be at once accusing and convicting ourselves of +smuggling a very large quantity of tobacco, was too considerable. +There were moments when Jonah and I, goaded to desperation, felt ready +to risk penal servitude and 'have a dart' at the bait. But Berry would +not permit us. If things went wrong, he declared, he was bound to be +involved--hideously. And he'd had enough of thin ice. The wonder was, +his hair wasn't white.... By the time we had swung him round, our own +courage had evaporated. + +As for Piers, no one of us had seen or heard from him for five whole +days. Ever since his extraordinary outburst upon the verandah, the boy +had made himself scarce. While we were all perplexed, Jill took his +absence to heart. She mourned openly. She missed her playfellow +bitterly, and said as much. And when three days had gone by and the +last post had brought no word of him, she burst into tears. The next +morning there were rings beneath her great grey eyes. She was far too +artless to pretend that she did not care. Such a course of action +never occurred to her. She had no idea, of course, that she was in +love. + +All the same, when upon Wednesday afternoon the cars were waiting to +take us to tea with Mrs. Waterbrook, my cousin leaned over the +banisters with a bright red spot upon either cheek. + +"I say," she cried, "I'm not coming." + +One and all, we stared up amazedly. + +"Not coming?" cried Daphne. "But, darling----" + +Jill stamped her small foot. + +"N-no," she said shakily. "I'm not. And--and, if he asks after me, +say I'm awfully well, but I felt I wanted a walk. I'm going to take +Nobby out." + +Her skirts whirled, and she was gone. + +Adèle flew after her, while the rest of us stood whispering in the +hall. Five minutes later the two descended together. But while we +others climbed into the cars, Jill twitched a lead from the rack and +took her stand upon the steps, with Nobby leaping for joy about her +sides. And when she cried "Good-bye," there was a ring in her tone +which sounded too glad to be true. + +Mrs. Waterbrook was perfectly charming. + +As we were ushered into a really beautiful salon, she rose from a +little bureau--a tall, graceful figure, with masses of pretty grey hair +and warm brown eyes. + +"My dear," she said to Daphne, "what a beautiful creature you are!" She +turned to Adèle. "As for you, if I were your husband, I'm afraid I +should have a swelled head. Which is he? Ah, I see by the light in +his eyes.... Of course, I ought to have called upon you, but I'm lazy +by nature, and my car won't be here till to-morrow. And now I must +thank you for being so kind to Piers. He ought to be here, of course. +But where he is, I don't know. I've hardly seen him since I arrived. +He seems to be crazy about his uncomfortable car. Went to Bordeaux and +back yesterday--three hundred miles, if you please. I feel weak when I +think of it. And now please tell me about yourselves. Beyond that +you're all delightful, I've heard nothing from him." + +I would not have believed that one woman could entertain five strangers +with such outstanding success. Within five minutes Jonah and Daphne +were by her side upon the sofa, Adèle was upon the hearth at their +feet. Berry was leaning against the mantelpiece, and I was sitting +upon the arm of an adjacent chair, describing our meeting with Piers a +fortnight ago. + +"I don't know his age," I concluded. "I take it he's about nineteen. +But he's got the airs and graces of Peter Pan." + +"Piers," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "is twenty-five. His mother was my +sister. She married his father when she was seventeen. He was twenty +years older than she, but they were awfully happy. The blood's pure +English, although the title's Italian. The fief of the duchy goes with +it. They were given to Piers' great-grandfather--he was a +diplomat--for services rendered. A recent attempt to dispossess the +boy mercifully failed." She looked round about her. "By the way, I +thought there were six of you. Piers gave me the number, but neither +gender nor anything else." + +"There's a female to come," said Berry. "But I don't think she will +to-day. She's a wayward child. We'll send her round to apologise +to-morrow." + +Here coffee and chocolate were served. + +"I must apologise," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "for giving you no tea. But +there you are." She sighed. "What tea you can get in France reminds +me of grocer's port. I won't touch it myself, and I haven't the face +to offer it to my guests. I usually bring some from England; but I--I +didn't this time." She passed a hand across her eyes, as though to +brush away a memory. "After all, you needn't come again, need you?" + +"But we do the same," said Daphne. "We've given up tea. Up to last +week, I clung to a cup before breakfast. But now I've stopped it." + +"Yes," said Berry. "It was affecting her brain. Ten minutes after +she'd swallowed it, she used to begin to wonder why she married me." + +"I believe you," said Mrs. Waterbrook. "You can't drink French tea and +be resigned. Now, a cup of well-made chocolate affords relief." + +Before Berry could reply, she had pointed to an old china box and said +that it contained cigarettes. + +If she had said that it was full of black pearls, she could not have +created more excitement. Besides, there was a confidence in her tone +that set my nerves tingling. It was, I felt sure, no "grocer's port" +that she was commending. And I--we, with the exception of Berry, had +not smoked a good cigarette for nearly six weeks.... + +As Jonah handed the box to Daphne, I strove to look unconcerned. + +"And if anybody likes cigars," added Mrs. Waterbrook, "there are some +in that silver box by Major Pleydell." + +Berry started, said, "Oh--er--thanks very much," and opened the box. +Then he took out a cigar, idly enough. + +I became conscious that Daphne's and Adèle's eyes were upon me as Jonah +brought me the cigarettes. I took one without looking, and stared +back. Instantly their eyes shifted to the cigarette in my hand. I +followed their gaze, to behold one of the brand which I had smoked +invariably for seven years. + +Dazedly I looked across at Berry, to see him regarding his cigar with +bulging eyes.... + +As in a dream, I heard Jonah's voice. + +"You must forgive my cousins. They're not being rude. To tell you the +truth, we've recently had a bereavement. A particularly cherished +friend, who was to furnish us all with tobacco for several months, +disappeared in sickening circumstances only two days ago. The cigar +and the cigarette have revived some painful memories." + +Our hostess opened and closed her mouth before replying. + +Then-- + +"What," she said faintly, "what was your--er--cherished friend like?" + +Berry started to his feet. + +"Both hinges gone," he shouted, "tied up with rope--reeking of +pepper----" + +Mrs. Waterbrook interrupted him with a shriek. + +"He's outside my bedroom," she wailed. "By the side of the tall-boy. +I suppose it's too much to hope that you've got my tea." + +"Tea?" we screamed. + +"Tea," piped our hostess. "Beautiful China tea. Thirty-five pounds of +it. Under the camisoles." + +Berry raised his eyes to heaven. + +"Modesty forbade us," he said, "to go further than the b-b-b-bust +b-b-b-bodices." + + * * * * * + +It was in the midst of our rejoicing that Piers set foot on the +verandah. For a moment he stood staring, pardonably bewildered, at the +two smugglers, who were saluting one another respectively with a +profound curtsey and the most elaborate of bows. Then he pulled open +the great window and stepped hesitatingly into the room. + +As he did so, the door was flung open, and a man-servant appeared. + +"Mees Mansel," he announced. + +Nobby entered anyhow, pleasedly lugging Jill into the room. + +"Why, Jill!" cried Daphne. "My dear.... Mrs. Waterbrook, let me +introduce----" + +"_But that's not Miss Mansel!_" + +It was Piers' voice. + +With one accord we turned, staring.... + +With arm outstretched, the boy was pointing at Jill. + +For a moment nobody moved. + +Then Piers sprang forward and caught Jill's hands in his. + +"Jill!" he panted. "Jill, you're not Miss Mansel?" + +"Yes, I am," said Jill steadily. + +"But I thought you were married to Boy. I thought--I thought Adèle was +Miss Mansel." + +"Oh, Piers," said Jill reproachfully. "And she's got a wedding-ring +on." + +Piers stared at Jill's hand. + +"I--I never thought of that," he said slowly. "I am silly." A +wonderful smile came tearing to light his face. "But oh, Jill," he +faltered, "I--am--so--awfully--glad!" + +Never, I fancy, was love so simply declared. + +For a moment Jill looked at him. Then her eyes fell, and an exquisite +blush came stealing into her cheeks. + +For an instant Piers hesitated. Then he let fall her fingers and +turned about, flushing furiously.... + +Before he had found his tongue, my cousin advanced to her hostess and +put out her hand. + +"I'm afraid I'm awfully late," she said quietly. + +Mrs. Waterbrook stooped and kissed her. + +"My darling," she said softly, "it was worth waiting for." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +HOW DAPHNE LOST HER BEDFELLOW, AND THE LINE OF LEAST RESISTANCE PROVED +IRRESISTIBLE. + +Order, so to speak, having been restored, and the path of love made +straight beyond all manner of doubt, we decided festively to make an +excursion to Spain. The fact that Piers could speak Spanish suggested +that all the arrangements should be left in his hands. We embraced the +suggestion cordially. Then, at the eleventh hour, a courteously +imperative wire from his solicitors had deprived us of our courier.... + +The Duke of Padua had left Pau that evening, and all six of us had gone +to the station to speed him to Paris and Rome. My cousin's farewell to +her future husband had been ridiculously affecting. Polonius' advice +to his son was above rubies, but Jill's charge came pelting out of an +eager heart. + +"Oh, and Piers darling, you will take care, won't you? And do wear +warm things. I'm sure it's still most awfully cold up there, and--and +I don't know what men wear extra, but couldn't you put on a bodybelt?" + +"Binder, dear, binder," corrected Berry. + +"Well, binder, then. I remember Jonah saying----" + +"Never," said her brother. + +"Yes, you did. You said the great thing was to keep warm round +the--er--round the hips." + +Berry looked round. + +"All women and children," he said, "will leave the Court." + +"Piers, you will, won't you? For my sake. Oh, and don't forget you've +got to get some sock-suspenders, because your left one comes down. And +be very careful crossing the streets. Wait till there's a gap--always. +And don't drink the water, will you? Don't even use it for your teeth. +Daphne won't." + +"That's right," said Berry. "Do as she does. Combine business with +pleasure and clean them in a small Worthington." + +"Oh, and lock your door at night. Just in case. And, Piers darling, I +love you very much, and--and God bless you, dear, and I shall just wait +and wait for you to come back again." + +Hat in hand, Piers put her fingers to his lips. + +"Good-bye, Madonna." + +They kissed one another passionately. + +The next moment the train was moving, and the Duke swung himself on to +the step of the _wagon lit_. + +Jill began to trot by his side.... + +When she could run no faster, my cousin gave up the attempt and stood +waving her tiny handkerchief and then staring after the train. + +As we came up, she turned to us bravely. + +"I hope," she said shakily, "I hope he'll get on all right. He's such +a child," she added, knitting her pretty brow. "I wish to goodness we +were married. Then I could have gone with him." She stumbled, and I +caught her. She looked up at me with her grey eyes swimming. "I've +often seen you off, Boy, but I wasn't silly like this." + +"It's a question of interest, darling. Piers is your very own pigeon." + +Jill wiped her eyes thoughtfully. + +"I suppose that's it," she said slowly. "My very own.... Boy, will +you take me to a tailor's? I want to get a binder." + +Ere we sat down to dinner that night, two stout body-belts had been +dispatched to Paris by registered post. + + * * * * * + +"Satisfactorily," said Berry, restoring his napkin to his knees, "to +consume oxtail, one should be stripped to the waist." + +"That'll do," said Daphne. + +"As a rule," said her husband, "it will. Of course, for a really +careless feeder, still further divestment may be desirable. Afterwards +he can be hosed. And now about Spain. Of course, without Piers to +talk for us, we shall be mocked, misled, and generally stung to glory. +But there you are. If you're landed with half a kingdom, I guess it's +up to you to take possession." + +"As at present arranged," said Jonah, "we start the day after +to-morrow, spend one night at Pampeluna, two at San Sebastian, and get +back on Saturday." + +"One clear day," murmured Daphne. "I suppose that'll give us time." + +"What's there to do," said Adèle, "besides packing?" + +"Not much," said Jonah. "The passports have been visa-ed, and that's +the main thing. We must get some money at the bank--Spanish money, I +mean--book rooms, run over the cars... I can't think of anything else." + +"We'd better take some insecticide," said Berry. "Spain's very +conservative." + +"Nonsense," said Daphne. + +"All right," said her husband. "Only, on the command 'Ter-rot,' don't +wake me to inspect the bodyguard. Have we any castanets? And what +about some sombreros? I mean, I want to do the thing properly." + +"Thanks," said his wife. "But if you're going in fancy dress, I'd +rather remain at Pau. I haven't forgotten our second Sunday here." + +"I shall always maintain," was the reply, "that I was suitably dressed. +On the previous Sunday I had carefully studied the fashions upon the +Boulevard, and I flatter myself that, had I been permitted to appear in +public, my attire would have found immediate favour." + +"If," said I, "I remember aright, it consisted of a white bowler, a +morning-coat, golf-breeches, blue silk stockings and cloth-topped +boots." + +"That's right," said Berry. "And an alpenstock. I ought really to +have had my cuffs trimmed with skunk," he added wistfully, "but I +thought of it too late." + +"I tell you what," said Adèle. "We must take some films." + +"That's right," said Jill. "I promised Piers we'd send him some +snapshots." + +Jonah groaned. + +"Surely," he said, "our passport photographs are bad enough." + +"The camera," said Berry, "can never lie. Besides, I'm very fond of +your passport portrait. I admit I hadn't previously noticed that your +right ear was so much the larger of the two, but the cast in your left +eye is very beautifully insisted upon. Mine, I must confess, is less +successful. Had I been told that it was a study of the Honorary +Treasurer of the Splodgeworth Goose Club on bail, I should have held it +an excellent likeness. Daphne's is very good. She's wearing that +particularly sweet expression of hers. You can almost hear her saying, +'Mine's a large port.' Apart, they're bad enough, but with both of +them on the same document--well, why we weren't turned back at Boulogne +I shall never know. Boy's, again, is lifelike." + +"Shame," said Adèle. "He looks all bloated." + +"I know he does, sweetheart. But that's his own fault. What's put in +the mouth comes out in the flesh. The camera can never lie. And now +don't choke. It's unmaidenly. And I cannot think of you as a matron. +Let's see. Oh, yes. Films. Anything else?" + +"Soap," said Daphne. + +"Fountain-pen," said Jill. + +"Cards," said Adèle. + +"Tea," said Daphne. + +"Beer-opener," said I. + +"Plate and linen," said Berry. "That's nine. Let's go by train." + +"Anybody," said Jonah, "would think that we were going into the bush. +If you must have a camera--well, take one. But as for soap and tea and +beer-openers and fountain-pens--oh, you make me tired." + +"And me," said Berry unctuously. "A plain man of few words, all this +vulgar mouth-wash about creature comforts----" + +It was hardly to be expected that he would get any further.... + +It was when the storm of indignation was at its height that the +electric light failed. + +Four of us breathed the same expletive simultaneously. + +Then-- + +"Lost," said Berry's voice. "Two cheese-straws and a blob of French +mustard. Finder will be----" The crash of glass interrupted him. +"Don't move, Falcon, or you'll wreck the room. Besides, it'll soon be +dawn. The nights are getting shorter every day." + +"Very good, sir," replied the butler. + +"They'll bring some candles in a minute," said Daphne. + +"What we really want," said my brother-in-law, "is a prismatic compass." + +"What for?" said Jill. + +"To take a bearing with. Then we should know where the port was, and I +could peel you a banana. Or would you rather suck it?" + +"Brute!" said Jill, shuddering. "Oh, why is the dark so horrid?" + +"The situation," said I, "calls for philosophy." + +"True," said Berry. "Now, similarly placed, what would Epicurus have +done?" + +"I think," said Adèle, "he'd have continued his discourse, as if +nothing had happened." + +"Good girl," said Jonah. "Any more queries about Pampeluna?" + +"Yes," said my sister. "How exactly do we go?" + +"We go," said I, "to St. Jean-Pied-de-Port. There we get a permit to +take the cars into Spain. Then we go over the mountains by Roncevaux. +It's a wonderful drive, they say, but the very deuce of a climb. +Pampeluna's about fifty kilometres from the top of the pass. If we get +off well, we ought to be there in time for tea." + +"Easily," said Jonah. "It's only a hundred and twenty miles." + +I shrugged my shoulders and resumed a surreptitious search for the +chocolates. + +"I expect we shall strike some snow," I said. + +"Snow?" cried Jill. + +"Rather," said Berry. "And avalanches. The cars will be roped +together. Then, if one falls, it'll take the other with it. Will +somebody pass me the grape-tongs? I've found a walnut." + +"Why on earth," said Daphne, "don't they bring some candles? Falcon!" + +"Yes, madam?" + +"Try to find the door, and go and see what they're doing." + +"Very good, madam." + +With infinite care the butler emerged from the room. As the door +closed-- + +"And now," said Adèle, "I can't bear it any longer. Where _are_ the +chocolates?" + +"My dear," said my sister, "I've been feeling for the wretched things +ever since the light went out. Hasn't anybody got a match?" + +Nobody had a match. + +At length---- + +"They can't have been put on the table," said Jill. "I've----" + +"Here they are," said Berry. + +"Where?" + +"Here. Give me your pretty white hand." + +"This isn't them," said Jill. "They're in---- Oh, you brute! You've +done it on purpose." + +"I'm awfully sorry," said Berry. "I quite thought----" + +"You liar!" said Jill heatedly. "You did it on purpose. You know you +did. Daphne, he's gone and put my hand in the ginger." + +"It'll wear off, dear," said Berry. "It'll wear off. By the time +Piers is back, you'll hardly know...." + +The apologetic entry of Falcon with two inches of candle upon a plate +cut short the prophecy. + +As he solemnly set the brand in the centre of the table, the light +returned with a flash.... + +It was when the butler had placed the wine before Berry and was about +to withdraw, that Daphne asked for the chocolates. + +Falcon peered at the table. + +"They were there, madam," he said. + +Berry looked round uneasily. + +"I think, perhaps," he began stooping to feel under his chair, "I +think--I mean, fearing lest in the confusion...." + +He broke off, to stare at a small silver bowl which was as bare as his +hand. + +Daphne took a deep breath. + +"And that was full," she said witheringly. "And you sat there and let +us feel all over the table, and pretended you were looking, and put +Jill's hand in the ginger, and all the time----" + +"I never ate one," said Berry. "I never...." He stopped short and +looked round the room. "Nobby!" + +The Sealyham emerged from beneath the table, wide-eyed, expectant. + +Sternly my brother-in-law held out the bowl. + +Never was guilt more plainly betrayed. + +The pricked ears fell flat: the bright brown eyes sank to the floor: +the pert white tail was lowered incontinently. Nobby had hauled down +his flag. + +"Oh, Nobby!" + +The terrier squirmed, laid his head upon the ground, and then rolled +over upon his back.... + +"You can't blame the dog," said I. "Besides, he'll pay for it. +Quarter of a pound of chocolates'll fairly----" + +"I've just remembered," said Daphne, "that they weren't chocolates at +all. They were _marrons glacés_--the last of the bunch. They won't +make any more this year." + +Berry wiped his forehead, + +"Are you saying this," he demanded, "to torment me? Or is it true?" + +"It's a C.B. fact." + +"But what about tea?" screamed her husband. "Tea without a _marron +glacé_ will be like--like Hell without the Prince of Darkness." + +"I can't help it. France has a close season for them." + +Berry hid his face in his hands. + +"Under my chair!" he wailed. "The last of the bunch (sic). And I +never ate one!" + +"Come, come," said I. "Similarly placed, what would Epicurus have +done?" + +"I know," said Adèle. + +"What?" said Berry. + +My wife smiled. + +"He'd 've made tracks for Spain," she said. + + * * * * * + +The French sergeant saluted, Daphne nodded, Berry said, "Down with +everything," I touched my hat, and we rolled slowly over the little +bridge out of one country into another. + +Our reception was very serious. + +So far as our papers were concerned, the Spanish N.C.O. knew his job +and did it with a soldierly, if somewhat trying, precision. Pong was +diligently compared with the tale of his _triptyque_. Our faces were +respectively compared with the unflattering vignettes pasted upon our +passports. The visas were deliberately inspected. Our certificates +were unfolded and scrutinised. Our travelling pass was digested. To +our great relief, however, he let the luggage go. We had no +contraband, but we were two hours late, and to displace and replace +securely a trunk and a dressing-case upon the back of a coupé takes +several minutes and necessitates considerable exertion of a very +unpleasant kind. Finally, having purchased a local permit for five +pesetas, we were suffered to proceed. + +We were now at the mouth of a gorge and the pass was before us. Had +the gorge been a rift in the range, a road had been cut by the side of +the torrent, and our way, if tortuous, had been as flat as your hand. +But the gorge was a _cul de sac_--a beautiful blind alley, with +mountains' flanks for walls. So the road had been made to scale one +side of the alley--to make its winding way as best it could, turning +and twisting and doubling upon itself, up to a windy saddle which we +could hardly see. + +I gave the car its head, and we went at a wicked hill as a bull at a +gate. + +Almost immediately the scenery became superb. + +With every yard the walls of the gorge were drawing further apart, +slowly revealing themselves in all their glory. Forests and +waterfalls, precipices and greenswards, grey lichened crags and +sun-bathed terraces, up, above all, an exquisite vesture of snow, +flawless and dazzling--these stood for beauty. All the wonder of +height, the towering proportions of the place, the bewildering pitch of +the sky--these stood for grandeur. An infinite serenity, an +imperturbable peace, a silence which the faint gush of springs served +to enrich--these stood for majesty. Nature has throne-rooms about the +world, and this was one of them. + +I started the engine again--for we had instinctively stopped--and Pong +thrust on. + +Up, up, up we toiled, through the hanging village of Valcarlos, past a +long string of jingling mules, under stupendous porches of the living +rock, round hair-pin bends, by woods and coppices, over grey +bridges--wet and shining and all stuck with ferns--now looking forward +to the snow-bound ridge, now facing back to find the frontier village +shrunk to a white huddle of dots, the torrent to a winking thread of +silver, and our late road to a slender straggling ribbon, absurdly +foreign, ridiculously remote. + +On we stormed, higher and higher, past boulders and poor trees wrung +with the wind, and presently up and into and over the snow, while +slowly, foot by foot, depth dragged height down to nothing. + +For the third time it occurred to me that the engine was unwarrantably +hot, and, after a moment's consideration, I took out the clutch and +brought the car to a standstill. + +"What is it?" said Daphne. + +"She's hot," said I. "Hotter than she should be. At least, I think +so. Of course it's a deuce of a pull." And, with that, I opened the +door. + +"You're not going to get out in this snow?" + +"Only a second, dear." + +Upon observing that the fan-belt was broken, it was natural that I +should regret very much that I had not looked for the trouble when +first I suspected its presence. Had I done so, I should have spared +the engine, I should have been able to correct the disorder without +burning myself to hell, and I should not have been standing, while I +worked, in four inches of snow. + +Gloomily I made my report. + +"I'm sorry," I concluded, "but I shall have to have Berry. I've got a +new strap in the boot, but I can't shift the luggage alone." + +Berry closed his eyes and sank his chin upon his breast. + +"Go on, old chap," said Daphne. "I'm very sorry for you, but----" + +"I--I don't feel well," said Berry. "Besides, I haven't got my +gum-boots." + +"Will you get out?" said his wife. + +At last, between us, we got him as far as the running board. + +"Come on," I said impatiently. + +"Don't rush me," said Berry, staring at the snow as if it were molten +lead. "Don't rush me. How fresh and beautiful it looks, does not it?" +He took a deep breath and let himself down upon his toes. "A-A-ah! If +you can do sixty kilometres with a pound of snow in each shoe, how many +miles is that to the gallon?" + +The belt was at the very back of beyond, but I found it at last. As we +replaced the luggage-- + +"And while," I said, "I'm fixing the strap, you might fill up the +radiator." + +"What with?" said Berry. + +"Snow, of course. Just pick it up and shove it in." + +"'Just pick it up and sho----' Oh, give me strength," said Berry +brokenly. Then he raised his voice. "Daphne!" + +"What's the matter?" + +"I've got to pick up some snow now." + +"Well, rub your hands with it, dear--well. Then they won't get +frost-bitten." + +"You--er--you don't mind my picking it up, then? I mean, my left foot +is already gangrenous." + +"Well, rub that, too," called Daphne. + +"Thanks," said Berry grimly. "I think I'd rather wait for the dogs. I +expect there are some at Roncevaux. In the pictures they used to have +a barrel of whisky round their necks. The great thing was to be found +by about five dogs. Then you got five barrels. By the time the monks +arrived, you were quite sorry to see them." + +"Will you go and fill up the radiator?" said I, unlocking the +tool-box.... + +The fitting of the new belt was a blasphemous business. My fingers +were cold and clumsy, and everything I touched was red-hot. However, +at last it was done. + +As I was looking over the engine-- + +"We'd better pull up a bit," said Berry. "I've used all the snow round +here. Just a few feet, you know. That drift over there'll last me a +long time." + +"What d'you mean?" said I. "Isn't it full yet?" + +"Well, I thought it was just now, but it seems to go down. I've put in +about a hundredweight to date." + +An investigation of the phenomenon revealed the unpleasant truth that +the radiator was leaking. + +I explained this to Berry. + +"I see," he said gravely. "I understand. In other words, for the last +twenty minutes I have been at some pains to be introducing water into +an inconveniently shaped sieve?" + +"That," said I, "is the idea." + +"And, for all the good I've been doing, I might have been trying to eat +a lamb cutlet through a couple of straws?" + +"Oh, no. You've cooled her down. In fact..." + +It took five minutes and all the cajolery at my command to induce my +brother-in-law to continue his Danaidean task, until I had started the +engine and we were ready to move. + +Then he whipped its cap on to the radiator and clambered into the car. + +I was extremely uneasy, and said as much. + +It was now a quarter to five. Pampeluna was some thirty miles away, +and Heaven only knew what sort of country lay before us. We were +nearly at the top of the pass, and, presumably, once we were over we +should strike a lot of "down hill." But if the leak became worse, and +there was much more collarwork.... + +Desperately I put Pong along. + +The snow was deeper now and was affecting the steering. The wheels, +too, were slipping constantly. I had to go very gingerly. Two deep +furrows ahead told of Ping's passage. I began to wonder how Adèle, +Jill, and Jonah were getting on.... + +It was when the snow was perhaps a foot deep that we snarled past a +ruined cabin and, stumbling over the very top of the world, began to +descend. + +Ten minutes later we came to Roncevaux. Where Abbey began or village +ended, it was impossible to say, and there was no one to be seen. The +place looked like a toy some baby giant had carried into the mountains, +played with awhile, and then forgotten. + +Here was the last of the snow, so I crammed some more into the +radiator, tried very hard to think I could see the water, and hoped for +the best. While I was doing this, Berry had closed the car--a wise +measure, for, though we should lose a lot of scenery, the sun was +sinking and Evening was laying her fingers upon the fine fresh air. + +Navarre seemed very handsome. It was, indeed, all mountains--bleaker, +less intimate than France, but very, very grand. And the road was +splendidly laid: its long clean sweeps, its graceful curves, the way in +which its line befitted the bold landscape, yet was presenting a style +of its own, argued a certain poetry in the hearts of its engineers. + +We swept through a village that might have been plucked out of +Macedonia, so rude and stricken it looked. There was no glass in the +windows: filth littered the naked street: pigs and poultry rushed for +the crazy doorways at our approach. + +Pampeluna being the nearest town, I realised with a shock what sort of +a night we should spend if we failed to get there. + +I began to hope very hard that there were no more hills. Presently the +road forked and we switched to the right. Maps and Guide declared that +this was the better way. + +"What's _carretera accidentada_ mean?" said my sister, looking up from +the Michelin Guide. + +"I think _carretera_ means 'road,'" said I. "As for +_accidentada_--well, it's got an ugly sound." + +"Well, do look out," said Daphne. "We shall be there any minute. This +must be Espinal, and that's where it begins." + +Berry cleared his throat. + +"The art of life," he announced, "is to be prepared. Should the car +overturn and it become necessary to ply me with cordial, just part my +lips and continue to pour until I say 'When.' Should---- What are you +stopping for?" + +"Very slightly to our rear," said I, "upon the right-hand side of the +road stands a water-trough. You may have noticed it." + +"I did," said Berry. "A particularly beautiful specimen of the +palaeolithic epoch. Shall we go on now?" + +"Supposing," said I relentlessly, "you plied the radiator. Just take +the cap off and continue to pour till I say 'When.'" + +"I should be charmed," was the reply. "Unfortunately I have no vessel +wherewith to----" + +"Here you are," said Daphne, thrusting a hotwater bottle into his hand. +"What a mercy I forgot to pack it!" + +As I lighted a cigarette-- + +"It is indeed," said I, "a godsend." + +With an awful look, Berry received the godsend and emerged from the car. + +After perhaps two minutes he reappeared. + +"No good," he said shortly. "The water's too hard or something. The +brute won't look at it." + +"Nonsense," said Daphne. + +"All right," said her husband. "You go and tempt it. I'm through, I +am." + +"Squeeze the air out of it and hold it under the spout." + +"But I tell you----" + +I took out my watch. + +"In another half-hour," I said, "it'll be dark, and we've still forty +kilometres----" + +Heavily Berry disappeared. + +When I next saw him he was filling the radiator from his hat.... + +After six journeys he screwed on the cap and made a rush for the car. + +"But where's my bottle?" screamed Daphne. + +"I rejoice to say," replied Berry, slamming the door, "that full fathom +five the beggar lies." + +"You've never dropped----" + +"If it's any consolation," said Berry, as I let in the clutch, "he +perished in fair fight. The swine put about a bucket up each of my +sleeves first, and then spat all over my head. Yes, it is funny, isn't +it? Never mind. Game to the last, he went down regurgitating like a +couple of bath-rooms. And now I really am flea-bitten. I can't feel +anything except my trunk." + +It was as well that we had taken in water, for very soon, to my dismay, +we began to climb steadily... + +Once again we watered--Heaven knows how high up--at a hovel, half barn, +half cottage, where a sturdy mother came lugging a great caldron before +we had named our need. In all conscience, this was obvious enough. +The smell of fiery metal was frightening me to death. + +Mercifully, that terrible ascent was the last. + +As the day was dying, we dropped down a long, long hill, round two or +three death-trap bends, and so, by gentle stages, on to a windy +plain.... + +It was half-past six when we ran into Pampeluna. + +After paying an entrance fee, we proceeded to the Grand Hotel. It was +intensely cold, and a wind cut like a knife. The streets were crowded, +and we moved slowly, with the result that the eight urchins who decided +to mount the running-boards did so without difficulty. The four upon +my side watched Berry evict their fellows with all the gratification of +the immune. + +"Little brutes," said Daphne. "Round to the left, Boy. That's right. +Straight on. Look at that one. He's holding on by the lamp. Boy, +can't you---- Now to the right.... Here we are." + +"Where?" said I, slowing up. + +"Here. On the right. That must be it, with the big doors." + +As I climbed out of the car, seven more boys alighted from the dickey, +the wings, the luggage, and the spare wheels. + +A second later I found myself in a bank. + +The edifice appeared to be deserted, but after a moment or two an +individual came shuffling out of the shadows. My inability to speak a +word of Spanish and his inability to speak a word of anything else +disfavoured an intelligent conversation, but at last I elicited first +that the Grand Hotel was next door, and secondly that it would not be +open until July. + +I imparted this pleasing information to the others. + +"Closed?" said Berry. "Well, that is nice. Yes. He's quite right. +Here it is in the Guide. 'Open from July to October.' I suppose a +superman might have put it more plainly, but it's a pretty broad hint. +And now what shall we do? Three months is rather long to wait, +especially as we haven't had any tea. Shall we force an entry? Or go +on to Madrid?" + +"Fool," said Daphne. "Get in, Boy. I'm getting hungry." + +I got in and started the engine. + +Then I got out again with a stick. + +This the seven boys, who had remounted, were not expecting. + +I got in again, feeling better.... + +The second hotel we visited was admirably concealed. + +As we were passing it for the second time, Jonah came stepping across +the pavement. + +"Lucky for you we got in early," he said. "We've got the last two +rooms. They're on the fourth floor, they're miles apart, they're each +about the size of a minute, and I don't think the beds are aired. The +lift's out of order, there's no steam heat, and there are no +fire-places. Both the bath-rooms have been let as bedrooms, and the +garage is conveniently situated about a mile and a half away. The +porter's cut his hand, so you'll have to carry up your luggage and help +me with ours. Nobody speaks anything but Spanish, but that doesn't +matter as much as it might, because the waiters have struck. And now +look sharp, or we shan't get any dinner." + + * * * * * + +_Bearer will bring you to where we are. Don't talk. Don't do +anything. Just get into the car._ + +_JONAH._ + + +I stared at the words stupidly. + +Then I looked at the chauffeur standing, hat in hand, and stepped into +the depths of a luxurious limousine. + +A moment later we were whipping over the cobbles. + +It was nearly half-past seven, and I had just walked back from the +garage where I had deposited Pong. Whether my instructions that the +radiator was to be mended and the car to be washed had been understood +and would be executed, I was almost too tired to care. I was also +abominably cold. The prospect of an evening and night attended with +every circumstance of discomfort was most depressing. For the fiftieth +time I was wishing that we had never come. + +And then at the door of the hotel I had been handed the message.... + +There was a foot-warmer in the limousine and a voluminous fur-rug. I +settled myself contentedly. What it all meant, I had not the faintest +idea. Enough that I was comfortable and was beginning to grow warm. +My faith, moreover, in Jonah was profound. + +The car drew up with a rush before a mansion. + +As I stepped out, the chauffeur removed his hat, and the front door was +opened. + +I passed up the steps into the grateful shelter of a tremendous hall. + +At once my coat and hat were taken from me and I was reverently invited +to ascend the huge staircase. I did so in silence. At the top of the +flight a waiting-woman received me and led the way. + +Everywhere luxury was in evidence. There were plenty of lights, but +they were all heavily shaded. So thick were the carpets that I could +hardly hear my own footfalls. The atmosphere was pleasantly warm and +full of the sweet scent of burning wood. What furniture I saw was very +handsome. Three exquisite stalls, filched from some old cathedral, +stood for a settle. A magnificent bronze loomed in a recess. At the +head of the stairs was glowing a great Canaletto. + +I followed my guide wonderingly.... + +A moment later she stopped to knock upon a door. + +"Who is it?" cried Adèle. + +I raised my voice, and she called to me to enter. + +I opened the door into the finest bedroom that I have ever seen. + +Upon the walls were panels of yellow silk, and all the silks and stuffs +were grey or golden. A soft grey carpet, a deep sofa, a giant +four-poster, a mighty press, a pier-glass, chairs, mirrors, +table-lamps--all were in beautiful taste. An open door in one corner, +admitting the flash of tiles, promised a bath-room. On the bed my +dress-clothes, which I had packed for San Sebastian, lay orderly. And +there, upon a chair, in front of a blazing fire, sat Adèle, lightly +clothed, looking extraordinarily girlish, and cheerfully inveigling a +stocking on to a small white foot. + +I looked round dazedly. + +"Isn't it priceless?" said Adèle. "Isn't it all priceless?" She +danced across the room and flung her arms round my neck. "And I +thought you were never coming. I wanted to wait for you, lad, but they +wouldn't let me. But I've run a bath for you and put out all your +clothes. By the way, I can't find your links anywhere. Are you +sure----" + +"No," I said, "I'm not. I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure I'm +awake. I'm not sure I'm alive. I'm not sure I'm not mad. 'Sure'? I +don't know the meaning of the word. What are you doing here? What am +I doing here? Where are we? What's it all mean?" + +"My darling," said Adèle, "I've not the faintest idea." + +"But----" + +"Listen. You hadn't been gone five minutes before a man came into the +hotel and up to Jonah. He seemed very nervous and excited, but he was +very polite. He couldn't speak a word of anything but Spanish, but at +last we gathered that he was asking us if we were the people who had +wired to the Grand Hotel. When we said that we were, he talked faster +than ever, and at last we began to understand that he'd got some rooms +for us elsewhere. You can imagine our joy. Once we understood, he +didn't have to ask us whether we'd come. The next minute two +chauffeurs were slinging the baggage on to a couple of cars, and, after +we'd managed to explain that you were coming back, Berry paid some sort +of a bill and we all pushed off. When we saw this wonderful house, we +nearly fainted. As far as I can see, we've got it all to ourselves. +Berry and Daphne are in another room like this, about two doors away, +and Jill's between us. I don't know where Jonah is. I can only +imagine that the man who came is the manager of the Grand Hotel, and +that this is where they put people when their own place is closed." + +Unsatisfactory as it was, this seemed, roughly, the only possible +explanation. Indeed, but for the magnificence of our lodging, it would +have been reasonable enough. Still, we knew nothing of Spain. Perhaps +this was their idea of hospitality. I began to like Pampeluna very +much.... + +By the time I had had a hot bath I had begun to wonder whether it was +worth while going on to San Sebastian. + + * * * * * + +We had dined in state. We had eaten an eight-course dinner, superbly +cooked and admirably served. At the conclusion of our meal, folding +doors had been opened, and we had passed into the shadowed comfort of a +gorgeous library, where only the ceaseless flicker of a great log fire +had lighted us to deep-cushioned chairs and a rich sofa, where coffee +and liqueurs were set upon a low table and the broad flash of silver +showed a massive cigar-box reposing conveniently upon an ebony stool. + +With one consent, sitting at the feet of Epicurus, we had thrust +uncertainty aside, and, thanking Heaven that we had fallen so magically +upon our own, confined our conversation to the events of our journey, +and compared enthusiastic notes regarding the wonders, entertainments, +and perils of our drive. + +From behind a big cigar Berry was slowly enumerating the accessories +without which, to make life worth living, no car should ever take the +road, when the door opened and a servant, bearing a salver, entered the +room. + +Stopping for an instant to switch on the light, the man stepped to my +brother-in-law. + +For a moment Berry glanced at the card. Then-- + +"English," he said. "'Mr. Hubert Weston Hallilay, 44 Calle de Serrano, +Madrid.' Better have him in, hadn't we?" He turned to the servant and +nodded. "Ask him to come in," he said. + +The servant bowed and withdrew. + +A moment later a fair-haired boy, perhaps twenty-three years old, was +ushered into the room. + +He greeted us respectfully, but with an open-hearted delight which he +made no attempt to conceal. + +"How d'you do? I'm most awfully glad to see you. Officially, I'm here +by request. The comic mayor got hold of me. He's worried to death +because he can't converse with you. I don't suppose you mind, but it's +shortening his life. I've had a fearful time with him. There are +about a thousand things he wants to know, and he's commissioned me to +find them out without asking any questions. That, he says, would be +most rude. Unofficially, I'm--well, I'm at your service. If I'd known +you were coming, I'd have been here before. I'm attached to Madrid, +really, but I'm putting in six weeks here--for my sins." + +"You're very kind," said Berry. "Incidentally, you're a godsend--the +second we've had to-day. The first, I may say, lies in five feet of +water on a particularly blasted mountain-side. But don't be +disconcerted. We shouldn't think of drowning you. For one thing, +you're much too valuable. And now sit down, and have some cold coffee +and a glass of kummel." + +As he sank into a seat-- + +"Mr. Hallilay," said Daphne, twittering, "I can't bear it. _Why are we +here?_" + +The boy looked at her curiously. Then-- + +"Well," he said, "there was no other place. Even if the Grand had been +open, I gather it's hardly fit.... Of course there's been the most +awful mix-up. Trust Spain for that. The Post Office knew they +couldn't deliver the wire. Instead of telling somebody, or +communicating with Pau, they let it lie in the office till this +afternoon. Then they took it to the mayor. Of course he nearly died. +But, being a man of action, he got a move on. He flew round here and +laid the facts before the steward--the owner happens to be away--and +arranged to put this house at your disposal. Then he rushed round, +borrowed a couple of cars, and spent what time he had left splitting +his brain over your wire and hovering between the station and the +various approaches to Pampeluna. As an inevitable result, he missed +you, and when he finally had the brain-wave of inquiring at the Grand +and found you'd already arrived, he nearly shot himself." + +"But why--I mean," I stammered, "it's devilish good of the mayor and +you and everyone, but why--in the first place, why did the Post Office +take the wire to the mayor?" + +Hallilay raised his eyebrows. + +"Well," he said slowly, "when they saw the telegram, they realised----" + +"Who sent the wire?" said Berry. + +"I did," said Jonah. "I said, + + +_Retenez lundi soir, deux grandes deux petites chambres avec salle de +bain en suite, arrive en auto._ + +_MANSEL."_ + + +For a moment I thought the boy was going to faint. Then he covered his +face and began to shake with laughter.... + +Presently he plucked a form from his pocket, unfolded it, and handed it +to me. + +"That may have been what you sent," he said jerkily, "but here's how +the wire arrived." + + +_Retenez lundi soir, deux grandes deux petites chambres avec salle de +bain, suite arrive en auto._ + +_MANOEL._ + + +After I had read it aloud there was a long, long silence. + +At length-- + +"I see," said Berry. "I knew our journey would be eventful, because my +wife put her teeth in upside down this morning, but I little dreamed it +was to be a royal progress. However, I take it one of the things the +mayor would like to know is--er--what has become of--of----" + +Hallilay nodded tearfully. + +"That, sir," he said, "is the first and foremost question upon an +unanswerable list." + + * * * * * + +We left Pampeluna upon the following afternoon, in response to a wire +from San Sebastian peremptorily desiring us immediately to repair to +that resort. + +Hallilay, as good as his word, was of inestimable service. He had, +indeed, dealt with the delicate situation with admirable judgment. +Finally he covered our retreat in a masterly manner. + +From the first he had insisted that the _rôle_ we had unconsciously +assumed must be deliberately maintained. Our scruples he had brushed +to one side. + +"Whatever happens, Pampeluna must never know the truth. It'd be most +unpleasant for you--obviously. For the mayor--well, Spaniards are very +proud, and I think it'd kill him. Very well, then. Your course, +plainly, is the line of least resistance. O friends, Romans, +countrymen, it's--it's too easy." He broke off and glanced meaningly +about him. "I'm not much of a diplomat, but--well, the best is good +enough for me." + +Talk about Epicurus.... + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +HOW ADÈLE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME WHICH HAD NO SMELL, AND I CUT +EULALIE DEAD + +"I must have a paper," said Berry. "I haven't read the news for +fifty-five hours, and--and anything may have happened. Supposing the +rouble and the shilling have changed over. The tie I'm wearing 'ld be +worth about six hundred pounds." + +I set down my cup and picked up the receiver. + +"So you're really off to-morrow, are you?" said an attractive voice. +_Well, don't miss Fuenterrabia. It's only five miles out of your way, +and it's worth seeing. They sell most lovely scent in the Calle del +Puerto. Ask for their 'Red Violets.'_ + +With a chunk I was disconnected, and a second later a bureau clerk had +promised to procure an English paper and send it up to my room. + +Less than an hour ago we had arrived at San Sebastian--according to +plan. A very handsome run had ended becomingly enough in the drive of +a palatial hotel, and, though it was growing dusk as we had slipped +into the town, we had seen quite enough of our surroundings to +appreciate that, where Nature had succeeded so admirably, man had by no +means failed. + +And now we were taking tea in my sister's bedroom and discussing what +Berry called "the order of going in." + +"We'd better decide right away," said my brother-in-law, "to stay here +a week. It's perfectly obvious that two nights are going to be no +earthly." + +"All you're thinking of," said Daphne, "is the Casino. I knew it would +be like this." + +"All right," replied her husband; "look at the guide-book. We haven't +seen this place yet, and there are twelve excursions--all highly +recommended. We can cut out Tolosa, because I see we did that this +afternoon. That was where the child lobbed the jam-tin into the car. +I fancy I passed the cathedral when I was chasing him. Any way, I +shall say so." + +"I am told," said I, "that Fuenterrabia's worth seeing." + +"It's the show place about here," said Jonah. "Old as the hills. +That'll take a morning alone." + +I yawned. + +"There's a shop there," I said, "in the Calle del Puerto, where they +sell some wonderful scent. I believe it's all good, but their 'Red +Violets' is simply ravishing." + +The girls pricked up their ears. + +"Who told you all this?" said Adèle. + +"I can't imagine," said I truthfully. "But she had a nice voice. You +know--one of those soft mellifluous ones, suggesting that she's bored +to distraction with everything except you." I took out a cigarette and +looked about me. "Anyone got a match?" I added. + +"Blow the matches," said my sister. "When did all this happen?" + +"This afternoon," said I. "I'd always heard that San Sebastian----" + +"Is she staying here?" said Adèle. + +"In the hotel? She didn't say." + +"But how did you come to speak to her?" demanded my wife. + +"I didn't," I said. "She spoke to me. I tell you I've always heard +that San----" + +"And you communed with her?" said Berry. "With your lawful wife +working herself to death on the first floor unpacking your sponge-bag, +you exchanged secrets of the toilet with a honey-toned vamp? Oh, you +vicious libertine.... Will she be at the Casino to-night?" + +"I didn't ask her." + +Berry raised his eyes to heaven. + +"You don't know her name; you never asked where she's staying, and +you've fixed nothing up." He sighed heavily. "Some people don't +deserve to get on." + +"I hadn't time," I pleaded. "We got on to scent almost at once." + +"Why scent?" said Jonah. "Or is that an indiscreet question?" + +"Oh, that's easy," said Berry. "The scent was on the handkerchief he +picked up. It's been done before." + +"I don't understand," said Jill. + +"I'm glad you don't, darling. One expert in the family is bad enough." +He nodded at me. "I used to think I was useful, till I'd seen that +Mormon at work. Talk about getting off.... Why, he'd click at a +jumble sale." + +"Would he really?" said Adèle interestedly. "I'd no idea he was so +enterprising." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"My dear," he said, "he's a blinkin' marvel. Where you and I 'ld be +standing outside a stage-door with a nervous grin and a bag of jujubes, +he'd walk straight up TO a Marchioness, say, 'I feel I must tell you +that you've got a mouth in a million,' and--_get away with it_. But +there you are. In the present case----" + +"--for once in a way," said Adèle, "the lady seems to have made the +running." She turned to me with a smile. "Well, Juan me lad, tell us +some more about her. Was she fair or dark?" + +I nodded at Berry. + +"Better ask him," I said. "He knows more about it than I do." + +"She was dark," said Berry unhesitatingly. "A tall willowy wench, with +Continental eyes and an everlasting pout. Am I right, sir?" + +"You may be," said I. "Not having seen the damsel...." + +There was an outburst of incredulous objection. + +"Sorry," I added, "but the liaison was conducted upon the telephone. +Just now. When I ordered the paper. The lady had no idea she was +giving me counsel. So, you see, we're both blameless. And now may I +have a match?" + +"Well, I am disappointed," announced Adèle. "I quite thought we were +off." + +"So did I," said Daphne. "And you never even---- Oh, it's spoiled my +tea." + +Even Jill protested that I had "led them on." + +In some dudgeon, I began to wonder if I should ever understand women. + + * * * * * + +An hour and a half had slipped by. + +Ready for dinner with twenty minutes to spare, I had descended to the +lounge. There a large writing-table had suggested the propriety of +sending a postcard to the sweetest of aunts, who, in the absence of +evidence to the contrary, invariably presumed our death after fourteen +days. + +There being no postcards available, I started a letter.... + +For a page and a half my pen ran easily enough, and then, for no reason +whatever, my epistolary sense faltered, laboured, and ceased to +function. + +I re-read what I had written, touched up the punctuation, and fingered +my chin. I reviewed the past, I contemplated the future, I regarded my +finger-nails--all to no effect. There was simply nothing to say. +Finally I rose and went in search of a waiter. There was, I felt, a +chance that a Martini might stimulate my brain.... + +I returned to my seat to find that, while I had been gone, a heifer +from another herd had come to drink at the pool. + +Immediately upon the opposite side of the writing-table sat one of the +prettiest women that I have ever seen. Her colouring was superb. +Beneath a snow-white skin all the wild beauty of a mountain-rose glowed +in her cheeks; each time she moved, a flashing mystery of red and +golden lights blazed from the auburn crown piled on her head; stars +danced an invitation in the great grey eyes. Her small straight nose, +the exquisite line of her face, her fairy mouth alone would have +redeemed the meanest countenance. A plain black velvet dress, cut +rather high at the throat, but leaving her lovely arms bare from the +shoulder, and a complete absence of jewellery, showed that my lady knew +how pictures should be framed.... + +With an effort I bent to my letter. From being difficult, however, the +composition of another two pages of coherent prose had become +formidable. Turning to the past, I could remember nothing. Looking +into the future, I found myself blind. As for the present, I felt +instinctively that a description of the curve of my _vis-à-vis'_ mouth +would be out of place and might be misunderstood. + +I observed suddenly that my lady had stopped writing. + +After a moment she read over what she had written and put in two +commas. Then she put a dash at the end of her last sentence. Such an +addition had not occurred to me. For what it was worth, I adopted it +surreptitiously. When I looked up, the tips of four pointed fingers +were being regarded with some severity. Finally the girl laid down her +pen, and, propping her chin on two ridiculous fists, stared dismally +upon the neutral zone between our respective blotting pads. + +"Have you dealt with the weather?" said I. + +The stars, which had stopped dancing, leaped again into life. + +"Fully," she said. + +"And the place?" + +She nodded. + +"And the people staying in the hotel?" + +"I've just said they're all very dull." + +I wrote rapidly. Then-- + +"'The people here,'" I read, "'are nearly all very dull.'" + +For a moment she looked at me. Then she picked up her pen. + +"How," she demanded, with a dazzling smile, "do you spell 'nearly'?" + +"Only one 'r'," I replied. "Same as 'adorable.'" + +'Nearly' went down--rather shakily. + +I pulled up my cuffs. + +"'Spanish furniture,'" I said, following my pen, "'is like the +Spanish--on the large side. Everything is too big.'" + +"'--too big,'" said my lady, with her head on one side. "You see, my +confidence in you is supreme." + +"One moment," said I. "There's only one 'w' in 'sweet,' isn't there?" + +"Yes," she said, bubbling. "Same as 'awful.'" + +I cleared my throat. + +"'The table, for instance,'" I continued, "'at which we--I am writing, +is simply huge. If it were only half as wide, it would be much +more--er--convenient.'" + +The two white shoulders began to shake with laughter. + +I thought very swiftly. Then-- + +"New paragraph," I said. + +"Half a page more," breathed my companion. + +I frowned. + +"'They have,'" I announced, "'quite a good Casino here.'" + +Our two pens recorded the statement. + +"'The great thing to do is to go there after dinner.'" + +The custom was reported in duplicate. + +"'But I'm not going to-night,'" said the girl, "'because----'" + +"But----" + +"'--I've got to do my packing.'" + +I groaned. Then-- + +"'But I shan't go to-night,'" I declared, "'because I'm going to help a +friend pack.'" I looked up cheerfully. "Yes?" + +"'I shall look forward," she said, smiling, "'to seeing you again--some +time.'" + +"'Soon.'" + +The pretty head went to one side. + +"'With my love,'" she said quietly. + +"'Your devoted servant,'" said I. + +For a second my lady hesitated. Then she signed a name, crammed her +letter into an envelope, and rose to her feet. + +The stars in the wonderful eyes had become misty, and there was a +strange wistful curve to the exquisite lips. + +For an instant we looked at one another. Then-- + +"Just 'Eulalie,'" she said. + +The next moment she was gone. + +I turned to see Daphne, Adèle, and Berry a dozen paces away.... + +I advanced with what composure I could summon. + +"I have been endeavouring," I said, "to atone for this afternoon." + +There was a frosty silence. Then-- + +"So I see," said my sister icily. + +Berry passed a hand across his eyes. + +"Ugh!" he said shuddering. "I've gone all goosegogs--I mean, +gooseflesh. Will she be at the Casino to-night?" + +My wife set a hand upon my arm. + +"I must admit," she said, smiling, "that she had a mouth in a million." + + * * * * * + +By half-past ten the next morning we were again upon the road. + +The almanack swore it was March, but here was a summer's day. Not a +cloud was floating in the great blue sky: down to the tenderest breeze, +the winds were sleeping: the sun was in all his glory. For earth +herself, the stains of winter were being done away. Out of the +country's coat the greys and browns, lately so prominent, were fading +notably. As thick as fast, the green was coming in. As we rounded a +bend and sailed down a long sweet hill towards the frontier, the road +was all dappled with the shadows of youngster leaves. + +Our way seemed popular. Car after car swept by, waggons and lorries +went rumbling about their business, now and again two of the Guardia +Civil--well-horsed, conspicuously armed and point-device in their +accoutrements--sat stiff, silent, and vigilant in the mouth of an odd +by-road. + +Come to the skirts of Irun, we switched to the left, and five minutes +later we were at Fuenterrabia. + +A city with a main street some four yards wide, keeping a king's +palace, if hatchments be evidence, remembering more dukes than +shopkeepers, its house-walls upholding a haphazard host of balconies +and overhung with monstrous eaves--a pocket stronghold, set on the lip +of Spain, staring at sea and land, each sunlit rood of which is fat +with History--a lovely star upon the breast of Fame, chosen by English +poets to enrich their songs, Fuenterrabia is among the crown jewels of +Europe. + +We thrust up the Calle Mayor and into the Plaza de Armas. There we put +the cars in the shade and alighted eagerly to view the town at close +quarters. + +"Look at that little boy," cried Jill, "eating an apple. Where's the +camera? Get him to stand in the sun, Boy, against that old wall." + +"That's right," said Berry. "And there's a dog scratching himself. +Ask him to devil his tenants beside the Post Office. If we get a good +picture, we can call it _Local Affection, or The Old, Old Story_ and +send it to _The Field_." + +To humour my cousin's whim, I approached a dirty-looking child.... + +Despite my assurances of good-will, however, the urchin retired as I +advanced, all the time consuming his apple with a nervous energy, which +suggested at once a conviction that I had my eye upon his fruit and a +determination to confound my strategy. The apple was dwindling fast, +and, redoubling my protests, I quickened my pace. For a second the boy +hesitated. Then he took two last devastating bites, flung the core in +my face, and took to his heels. + +Pursuit being out of the question, I returned furiously to the others, +to find them, as was to be expected, quite weak with laughter. + +"It w-was good of you, Boy," declared Jill, tearfully. "And I got such +a precious picture--just as he threw it." + +"I suppose you know," I said stiffly, "that he hit me upon the nose." + +"There must," said Berry, "have been some misunderstanding. The +Spaniard's courtesy is proverbial. You're sure you weren't rude to +him, brother?" + +"Certain," said I grimly. + +"Dear, dear," said my brother-in-law, opening a guide-book. "It's most +mysterious. Just listen to this. _The stranger is at first apt to be +carried away by the obliging tone of society, by the charming +spontaneity of manner, and by the somewhat exaggerated politeness of +the people he meets_. There now. Were you carried away at all? I +mean, if you were----" + +"I was not," said I. + +Berry returned to the book. + +"_He should return these civilities in kind, but he should avoid +turning the conversation on serious matters, and should, above all, +refrain from expressing an opinion on religious or political +questions_. I do hope you didn't...." + +I shook my head. + +"Then," said Berry, "should we meet the child again, I shall cut him +dead. And that's that. And now let's go and find a dairy. You'll be +wanting a pick-me-up." + +For an hour and a half we went about the city. We marked her bulwarks, +we told her towers, we observed her mansions, we strolled upon her +terraces, we enjoyed her prospects. + +Last of all, we visited the Calle del Puerto. Before we had taken a +dozen paces along the aged alley, a faint odour of perfume began to +assert itself, and a few seconds later we were standing before a tiny +shop, scrupulously sweet and clean to look upon, absurdly suggestive of +the patronage of marionettes. A curtain of apple-green canvas was +swaying in the low doorway, while an awning of the same stuff guarded a +peepshow window, which was barely three feet long and less than one +foot high. Herein, ranged behind a slab of fine plate-glass, stood +three plain, stoppered phials, one rose-coloured, one green, and one a +faint yellow. Below, on a grey silk pillow, was set a small +vellum-bound book. This was open. In capitals of gold upon the pages +displayed were two words only--PARFUMS FRANÇAIS. + +The effect was charming. + +We gathered about the window, ejaculating surprise. + +"_Urbs in rure_," said Jonah. "And then you're wrong. The Rue de la +Paix isn't in it." + +Which is a description I cannot better. + +Daphne lifted the _portière_, and we followed her in. + +Passing suddenly out of the brilliant sunshine, we could at first see +nothing. Then gradually the interior of the shop took shape. + +There was no counter, but an oblong mahogany glass-topped table, +standing in the centre of the polished floor, evidently was discharging +that office. Upon this stood three other phials, similar to those +displayed in the window, but fitted with sprays instead of stoppers. +In front of each a grey gold-lettered slip of silk, laid between the +glass and the mahogany, declared its contents--ROSE BLEUE ... LYS NOIR +... JASMIN GRIS. + +The room was very low, and the walls were panelled. Upon these, except +for that framing the door and window, were rows of shelves. On these, +at decent intervals, stood phials of four different sizes. To judge +from the colour of their glass, each wall was devoted to one of the +three scents. That facing us was green, that on our left +rose-coloured, that upon our right a faint yellow. A black curtain in +a corner suggested a doorway leading to another part of the house. The +air, naturally enough, was full of perfume. + +We stared about us in silence. + +After waiting perhaps five minutes, peering unsuccessfully behind the +curtain, raising our voices in talk, and finally rapping upon the table +without attracting attendance, we decided to return to where we had +left the cars and visit the shop again on our way out of the town. + +As we came to the Plaza, the clock of the great church announced the +hour. A quarter to one. + +"Good Heavens!" cried Daphne, checking the time by her wrist-watch. +"I'd no idea it was so late. And I left word for Evelyn to ring me up +at the hotel at one o'clock." We made a rush for the cars. "Can it be +done, Jonah?" + +"Only by air," said my cousin. "Outside a track, thirteen miles in +fourteen minutes is just a shade too thick; Still, there's nothing the +matter with the road after Irun, and Evelyn may be delayed getting +through." + +He swung himself into Ping and started her up. My sister and Jill +scrambled aboard while he was turning her round. As he headed for the +Calle Mayor-- + +"Stop!" shrieked his sister. "The scent, Jonah, the scent. We've got +to go back." + +Jonah threw out the clutch. + +"We'll get that!" cried Adèle. "You go on, and we'll follow." + +"Right." + +The next moment Ping had dropped out of sight. + +It was perhaps five minutes later that, after conjuring Berry to stay +where he was and move the car for nobody, I assisted my wife on to the +pavement. + +When Fuenterrabia was planned, an eleven-feet-six wheel-base was not +considered. To wheedle Pong to the mouth of the Calle del Puerto had +been a ticklish business, and I had berthed her deliberately with an +eye to our departure for the city gate, rather than to the convenience +of such other vehicles as might appear. Besides, for my brother-in-law +to have essayed manoeuvres in such surroundings would have been asking +for trouble. + +As Adèle and I hastened along the street-- + +"We must look sharp," I insisted. "She's half across the fairway. If +anybody with anything broader than a mule feels they can't wait, +there'll be murder done." + +We came to the shop, panting.... + +The place was just as we had left it, and--there was no one there. + +I looked round impatiently. + +"What on earth," I began, "is the good of a----" + +As I spoke, the curtain in the corner was pushed to one side, and a +French girl entered the room. + +Her manner was most curious. + +For a moment she hesitated, as though she would turn and fly. Then, +with her eyes upon Adèle, she moved slowly forward. She seemed to be +making an effort to come and serve us. That she was most apprehensive +was perfectly plain.... + +Half-way between curtain and table she stopped. Then she put a hand to +her throat. + +"_Madame_ desires something?" + +"Some scent, please," said Adèle reassuringly. + +Her cheerful tone appeared to encourage the girl. And when my wife +pointed to the green phial and asked to be sprayed with its contents, I +could have sworn her attitude was that of relief. + +In a flash she had produced a small square of linen. This she handed +to Adèle. + +"Smell, _Madame_. See, it is scentless. _Pardon_." She sprayed it +with scent. "_Voilà_. That is the 'Black Lily.'" + +Adèle passed it to me. The scent was exquisite. + +"It's delicious," said Adèle. + +"Yes, _Madame_, it is good. Will _Madame_ sample the others?" + +"If you please." + +Fresh squares of linen were produced, offered for inspection, and +sprayed.... + +Each perfume seemed more ravishing than its predecessor. To test the +worth of this impression, we reverted to the 'Black Lily.' One breath +of this satisfied us that it was the best of the lot. To be quite +sure, we smelt the 'Blue Rose,' and were instantly convinced of its +superiority to its fellows. A return to the 'Grey Jasmine' persuaded +us that there was only one scent in the shop. It was, indeed, +impossible to award the palm. Each perfume had some irresistible +virtue which the others lacked. + +When, at last, Adèle implored me to help her to a decision, I spoke to +the point. + +"There's only one thing to do. We can't wait now, so have a big bottle +of each. Then you and Jill and Daphne can fight it out at home." + +Adèle asked the price of the scents. + +"They are all the same price, _Madame_. The large bottle, one hundred +_pesetas_--the others, seventy, fifty, and thirty, according to size." + +"Very well. I'll take a large bottle of each." + +"Thank you, _Madame_." + +A prolonged and vicious croak from the end of the street argued that +Berry's patience was wearing thin, but to have asked the girl to make +haste would have been supererogatory. + +In a trice three phials had been taken down from their shelves, and +three stout silk-lined cases, of the pattern of safety-match boxes, had +been produced. The phial went into its tray, the tray into its sheath, +the case complete into a sheet of rough grey paper, and the whole was +girt with cord in next to no time. + +As the last knot was being tied Adèle touched me upon the arm. + +"I almost forgot," she said. Then she turned to the girl. "I have +been told to ask for your 'Red Violets.'" + +The scissors the girl was using fell to the floor. As she recovered +them-- + +"Certainly, _Madame_," she whispered, laying a trembling hand upon the +curtain behind. + +She disappeared, to reappear almost immediately with a package +precisely similar to those she had just made up. She placed it with +the others. + +"Oh," said Adèle, "but you haven't----" + +A perfect hurricane of croaks, mingled with cries of anger, interrupted +her. + +"Never mind," I cried, gathering up the parcels. "How much is it now? +Four hundred, I suppose." + +As I was counting the notes, a yell of anguish in Berry's unmistakable +accents fell upon my ears. + +I threw the money upon the table and bolted out of the shop with Adèle +at my heels.... + +As we came to the corner, I ran full tilt into--Eulalie. For an +instant our eyes met, but she looked away pointedly, slipped to one +side, and passed on.... + +Then-- + +"_Obstàculos_ to you, sir!" roared Berry. "Look at my wing.... Yes, I +see the cabriolet. But what of that? It's perfectly happy.... No, it +_didn't_ want to get by. And if it had---- Oh, go and push yourself +off somewhere." Here he caught sight of me. "See what this greasy +pantaloon's done? I told him he hadn't room, but he wouldn't wait. +And now he's shoving it on to that cabriolet.... Oh, why can't I speak +Spanish? I'd give him earache." + +I thrust our packages into the fold of the hood and ran to examine the +wing. Happily the damage was slight. I announced this relievedly. + +"I daresay it is," raged Berry, as we resumed our seats. "What I +object to is the poisonous hostility of the brute. He blinkin' well +meant to do it." + +"Dear, dear," said Adèle, bubbling. "There must have been some +misunderstanding. The Spaniard's courtesy is proverbial." + +"Exactly," said I. "The stranger is at first apt to be carried away by +the exaggerated politeness of the----" + +"You may be," said Berry, "as blasphemous as you like, but, for the +love of the home for little children, let's get out of this town." + +I let in the clutch.... + +We were passing out of the beautiful armoried gateway, when an +approaching peasant signalled to us to stop, and pointed excitedly back +the way we had come. The fellow's manner suggested that we had dropped +something. + +I pulled up the car, opened my door, and jumped out. + +As I did so, a breathless Eulalie appeared upon the other side of the +car. + +"I never thought I should catch you," she said uncertainly. "My car +got mixed up with that waggon, so I chanced it and ran. And, now I'm +here, I hardly know how to tell you...." She addressed herself to +Adèle. "But I fancy you've got my scent--'Red Violets.' It's +rather--rather special. They only make it by request. And a friend of +mine had ordered a bottle for me. It was put ready for me to call for, +and, as far as I can make out, they've given it to you by mistake. +I'm--I'm afraid I'm asking an awful lot, but might I have it? I'm +leaving Spain altogether in half an hour, so I shan't have another +chance." + +I never remember feeling so utterly disillusioned. Recalling the +telephone conversation of the day before, I was frankly disgusted. +Such sharp practice as this smacked of a bargain sale. + +The scent was ours. We had bought it fairly. Besides, it had _not_ +been reserved. If either Adèle or Eulalie had to go empty away, Law +and Equity alike were pronouncing in favour of my wife. + +Adèle was speaking. + +"Oh, certainly. Boy, will you...?" I stepped into the car and thrust +a hand into the fold of the hood. "I shall know which it is. The +paper it's wrapped in is different. There's a line running through it, +and the others were plain." I plucked out a case and gave it to her to +examine. "That's right." Gravely she handed it to Eulalie. "I'm +sorry you had to run so," she added gently. + +The other shrugged her shoulders. + +"I caught you," she said simply, "and that's the great thing." She +glanced over her shoulder. "And here comes my car. I'm really most +awfully grateful...." + +With a swish the cabriolet swept alongside, skidded with locked wheels +upon the pavement, and fetched up anyhow with its bonnet across our +bows. It was a piece of driving for which the chauffeur ought to have +been flogged. + +"...most awfully grateful," repeated Eulalie, swinging the case by its +cord. "You--you might have made it much harder...." + +The next moment she was in the cabriolet... + +Dazedly I watched the latter float out of sight. + +"B-but she hasn't paid," I stammered. "She's never given us the money. +Four pounds that bottle cost...." + +We stared at one another in dismay. + +At length-- + +"Stung," said Berry. "But what a beautiful bit of work! Four pounds' +worth of scent for the asking. No unpleasantness, no sleight of hand, +no nothing. Just a glad eye last night and a two-minute run this +morning. I don't wonder she was grateful." + + * * * * * + +We had spent the afternoon traversing San Sebastian, and had found the +place good--so good, in fact, that it was past six before we returned +to the hotel. + +I followed Adèle upstairs rather wearily. + +"I shall never get over this morning," I said. "Never." Arrived at +our door, I fitted the key to the lock. "To think that I stood there +and let you hand---- Oh, blast! We've left the scent in the car." + +"So we have," said Adèle. "What an awful nuisance! I knew we should. +It's fatal to put anything in that hood. You don't see it." + +I pushed open the door. + +"As soon as I've changed," I said, switching on the light. "I'll go +and----" + +The sentence was never finished. + +Had I been told that a cyclone had struck our bedroom, I should not +have been surprised. + +Adèle and I stood staring at such a state of disorder as I had never +dreamed of. + +The bed had been dragged from the wall, and its clothes distributed +about the room; the wardrobe and cupboards stood open: every drawer in +the room was on the floor: our clothing had been flung, like soiled +linen, into corners: my wife's dressing-case had been forced, and now +lay open, face downward, upon the carpet, while its contents sprawled +upon a mattress: a chair had fallen backwards into the empty +cabin-trunk, and the edge of a sheet had caught on one of its upturned +legs.... + +"Adèle! Boy!" The swish of a skirt, and there was my sister behind +us. "Our room's been---- Good Heavens, yours is the same! Whatever's +the meaning of it?" + +Within three minutes two managers and three clerks were on the scene. +To do them justice, they were genuinely perturbed. Fresh rooms--a +magnificent suite--were put at our disposal: under our own eyes our +belongings were gathered into sheets and carried to our new quarters: +maids were summoned and placed at the girls' service: valets were sent +for: the dressing-case was sent to be repaired: we were begged at our +convenience to report whether there were any valuables we could not +find, and over and over again we were assured that the management would +not rest until the thieves were taken: jointly and severally we were +offered profound apologies for so abominable an outrage. + +Berry and Jonah, who had been taking the cars to the garage, arrived in +the midst of the removal. + +Upon the circumstances being laid before my brother-in-law, he seemed +for some time to be deprived of the power of speech, and it was only +upon being shown the contents of a sheet which had just been conveyed +by two valets into his wife's bedroom that he at last gave tongue. + +Drawing a pair of dress trousers from beneath a bath towel, a pair of +brogues, and a box of chocolates, he sobbed aloud. + +"You all," he said brokenly, "do know these trousers: I remember the +first time ever I did put them on; 'twas on a summer's evening, in the +Park...." + +With one accord and some asperity my sister and I requested him to +desist. + +"All right," he said. "But why worry? I know there's nothing valuable +gone, because in that case I should have been told long ago. We've +been shocked and inconvenienced, of course; but, to balance it, we've +got a topping suite, a private sitting-room thrown in, and a whole +fleet of bottle-washers in attendance, all stamping to wash and iron +and brush our clothes as they've never been brushed before. Jonah's +and Jill's rooms all right?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, let them move along, any way. Then we shall all be together. +And now, if we've got any sense, we shall let this sympathetic crowd +straighten up everything--they're simply bursting for the word +'Go!'--and gather round the fire, which I see they've lighted, and talk +about something else." + +This was sound advice. + +A close acquaintance with crime--the feeling that a robber has handled +her personal effects, mauled her apparel, trodden her own sanctuary--is +bound to jangle a sensitive woman's nerves. The less the girls thought +upon the matter, the better for them.... + +Orders were given, a sofa was drawn towards the hearth, Jonah went to +seek some champagne, and I slipped on a coat and left the hotel for the +garage. + +When I returned some twenty minutes later, Adèle had discovered a piano +and was playing "Whispering," while the others were dancing with as +much freedom from care as they might have displayed at a night-club. + +When I laid the scent on the table, the dance died, and Daphne, Adèle, +and Jill crowded about me. + +"One for each of you," I said. "With my love. But wait one moment." +I turned to Adèle. "How did you tell the 'Red Violets' from the +others?" + +"It's paper had a line----" + +I pointed to the three parcels. + +"So have they all," I said. "It depends on the way the light strikes +it. One moment you see it, and the next you can't." + +My wife examined the packages in turn. + +"You're perfectly right," she said. Then, "Good Heavens!" she cried. +"Perhaps I gave that woman the wrong one, after all." + +I shrugged my shoulders. + +"I don't suppose she cared. What's in a name? They're each of them +worth four pounds." + +"That's true," said Adèle musingly. "Still...." + +We opened them one by one. + +The first was the Black Lily. + +Then came the Grey Jasmine. + +I ripped the paper off the third case and laid it upon the table. + +With my fingers about the cardboard, I paused. + +"And what," said I, "is the betting?" + +"Blue Rose," cried Jill. + +"Red Violets," said Adèle. + +I opened the case. + +They were both wrong. + +The tray contained no perfume at all. + +Crammed into the form of a scent-bottle was a dirty huddle of +wash-leather. + +I lifted it out between my finger and thumb. + +The diamond and emerald necklace which lay beneath must have been worth +a quarter of a million. + + * * * * * + +"Yes," said the British Vice-Consul, some two hours later, "this little +seaside town is a sort of Thieves' Parlour. Four-fifths of the stuff +that's stolen in Spain goes out of the country this way. As in the +present case, the actual thief daren't try to cross the frontier, but +he's always got an accomplice waiting at San Sebastian. We know the +thieves all right--at least, the police do, but the accomplices are the +devil. Often enough, they go no further than Biarritz, and there are +so many of the Smart Set constantly floating between the two towns that +they're frightfully hard to spot. In fact, about the only chance is to +trace their connection with the thief. What I mean is this. A's got +the jewels and he's got to pass them to B. That necessitates some kind +of common denominator. Either they've got to meet or they've got to +visit--at different times, of course--the same bureau.... + +"Well, there you are. + +"By the merest accident you stumbled upon the actual communication of +the password by A to B. The voice you heard upon the telephone was +that of the original thief, or of his representative. This morning you +visited the actual bureau. I know the place well. My wife's bought +scent there. It's always been a bit of a mystery, but I never +suspected this. I've not the slightest doubt it's been used as a +bureau for years. Well, in all innocence you gave the password, and in +all innocence received the gems. B arrives too late, finds that you +have them, and starts in pursuit. I've no doubt she really ran on to +see which way you'd gone. She couldn't have hoped to catch you on +foot. Of course, she couldn't understand how you'd come by the +password, but the few words you'd had with her the night before made +her suspect your innocence. Still, she wasn't sure, and that's why her +chauffeur fetched up across your bows." + +"You don't mean----" + +"I do indeed. If you hadn't handed them over, they'd have been taken +by force.... + +"Well, finding that either by accident or design she's been sold a pup, +B communicates with the gang, and, while you're out, your rooms are +ransacked." + +"And I walked," I said, "after dark from the Calle de Miracruz to this +hotel with the baubles under my arm." + +The Vice-Consul laughed. + +"The armour of ignorance," he said, "will sometimes turn the keenest +wits. The confidence it gives its wearer is proverbial." + +"But why," said Adèle, "was the shop-girl so terribly nervous? I mean, +if she's used to this sort of traffic...." + +The Vice-Consul fingered his chin. + +Then he picked up the jewels. + +"Perhaps," he said slowly, "perhaps she knew where they came from." + +"Where was that?" said Daphne. + +The Vice-Consul frowned. + +"When I last saw them," he said, "they were in the Royal Treasury." + + * * * * * + +At half-past ten the next morning I was walking upon the golf links of +St. Jean-de-Luz. + +I was not there of choice. + +Two very eminent detectives--one French and one Spanish--were upon +either side of me. + +We were close to the seventh green, when the Frenchman touched me upon +the arm. + +"Look, sir," he said, pointing. "There is a golf party coming. They +are making, no doubt, for this spot. When they arrive, pray approach +and look at them. If you should recognise anyone, I beg that you will +take off your hat." + +He bowed, and a moment later I was alone. + +I sat down on the turf and took out a cigarette.... + +With a plop, a golf ball alighted upon the green, trickled a few feet, +and stopped a yard from the hole. Presently, another followed it, +rolled across the turf, and struggled into the rough. + +I got upon my feet and strolled towards the green.... + +It was a mixed foursome. + +In a cherry-coloured jumper and a white skirt, Eulalie looked prettier +than ever. + +She saw me at once, of course, but she took no notice. + +Her companions glanced at me curiously. + +Putter in hand, Eulalie walked to her ball--the far one--and turned her +back to me. After a little consideration, she holed out. + +It was a match shot, and her companions applauded vigorously. + +Eulalie just smiled. + +"I'm always better," she said, "when I've something at stake." + +"And what," said her partner, a large blue-eyed Englishman with a grey +moustache, "have you got at stake this time?" + +Eulalie laughed mischievously. + +"If I told you," she said, "you wouldn't believe me." + +Light-heartedly enough, they passed to the eighth tee. + +I watched them go thoughtfully. + +When the detectives came up-- + +"I didn't take off my hat," I explained, "because I wasn't sure. But +I'm almost certain that somewhere before I've seen that great big +fellow with the grey moustache." + +My companions were not interested. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +HOW JONAH TOOK OFF HIS COAT, AND BERRY FLIRTED WITH FORTUNE FOR ALL HE +WAS WORTH + +"My dear," said Berry, "be reasonable." + +"With pleasure," said Daphne. "But I'm not going to let you off." + +Her husband frowned upon a roll. + +"When I say," he said, "that I have a feeling to-day that my luck is +in, I'm not being funny. Only once before have I had that conviction. +I was at Cannes at the time--on the point of leaving for Paris. I went +to Monte Carlo instead.... That night I picked up over six hundred +pounds." + +"I know," said his wife. "You've often told me. But I can't help it. +I made you give me your word before we came here, and I'm not going to +let you off." + +"I gave it without thinking," declared her husband. "Besides, I never +dreamed I should have this feeling." + +"I did," said Daphne shortly. "That's why I made you promise. Have +some more coffee?" + +Pointedly ignoring the invitation, Berry returned to his roll and, +after eyeing it with disgust which the bread in no way deserved, +proceeded to disrupt and eviscerate it with every circumstance of +barbarity. Covertly, Jonah and I exchanged smiles.... + +Forty-eight hours had elapsed since I had cut Eulalie, and this was the +morning of our last day at San Sebastian. + +During our short stay the weather had been superb, and we had been out +and about the whole day long. Of an evening--save for one memorable +exception--we had been to the Casino.... + +For as long as I could remember, Berry had had a weakness for Roulette. +For Baccarat, _Petits Chevaux_, and the rest he cared nothing: fifty +pounds a year would have covered his racing bets: if he played Bridge, +it was by request. My brother-in-law was no gambler. There was +something, however, about the shining wheel, sunk in its board of green +cloth, which he found irresistible. + +Remembering this fascination, my sister had broached the matter so soon +as we had decided to visit San Sebastian, with the happy result that, +ere we left Pau, her husband had promised her three things. The first +was to leave his cheque-books at home; the second, to take with him no +more than two hundred pounds; the third, to send for no more money. + +And now the inevitable had happened. + +The two hundred pounds were gone--every penny; we were not due to leave +until the morrow; and--Berry was perfectly satisfied that his luck had +changed. As for the promises his wife had extracted, he was repenting +his rashness as heartily as she was commending her prevision. + +"Nothing," said Berry, turning again to the charge, "was said about +borrowing, was it?" + +"No." + +"Very well, then. Boy and Jonah'll have to lend me something. I'm not +going to let a chance like this go." + +"Sorry, old chap," said Jonah, "but we've got to pay the hotel bill. +Thanks to your activities, we're landed with----" + +"How much have you got?" demanded Berry. + +I cut in and threw the cards on the table. + +"Brother," I said, "we love you. For that reason alone we won't lend +you a paper franc. But then you knew that before you asked us." + +My brother-in-law groaned. + +"I tell you," he affirmed, "you're throwing away money. With another +two hundred and fifty I could do anything. I can feel it in my bones." + +"You'd lose the lot," said Jonah. "Besides, you've eaten your cake. +If you'd limited yourself last night and played rationally, instead of +buttering the board...." + +"I'm sure," said Jill, "you ought to have played on a system. If you'd +put a pound on 'RED' and kept on doubling each time you lost----" + +"Yes," said Berry. "That's an exhilarating stunt, that is. Before you +know where you are, you've got to put two hundred and fifty-six pounds +on an even chance to get one back. With a limit of four hundred and +eighty staring you in the face, that takes a shade more nerve than I +can produce. I did try it once--at Madeira. Luck was with me. After +three hours I'd made four shillings and lost half a stone.... +Incidentally, when a man starts playing Roulette on a system, it's time +to pray for his soul. I admit there are hundreds who do it--hundreds +of intelligent, educated, thoughtful men and women. Well, you can pray +for the lot. They're trying to read something which isn't written. +They're studying a blank page. They're splitting their brains over a +matter on which an idiot's advice would be as valuable. I knew a +brilliant commercial lawyer who used to sit down at the table and +solemnly write down every number that turned up for one hour. For the +next sixty minutes he planked still more solemnly on the ones that had +turned up least often. Conceive such a frame of mind. That wonderful +brain had failed to grasp the one simple glaring point of which his +case consisted--that Roulette is lawless. He failed to appreciate that +he was up against Fortune herself. He couldn't realise that because +'7' had turned up seven times running at a quarter past nine, that was +no earthly reason why '7' shouldn't turn up eight times running at a +quarter past ten. Heaven knows what fun he got out of it. For me, the +whole joy of the thing is that you're flirting with Fate." He closed +his eyes suddenly and flung back his head. "Oh," he breathed, "I tell +you she's going to smile to-night. I can see the light in her eyes. I +have a feeling that she's going to be very kind ... very kind ... +somehow ..." + +We let him linger over the fond reflection, eyeing one another +uneasily. It was, we felt, but the prelude to a more formidable attack. + +We were right. + +"I demand," barked Berry, "that I be allowed the wherewithal to +prosecute my suit." + +"Not a farthing," said Daphne. "To think that that two hundred pounds +is gone makes me feel ill." + +"That's exactly why I want to win it back--and more also." He looked +round desperately. "Anybody want a birthright? For two hundred and +fifty quid--I'd change my name." + +"It sounds idiotic, I know," said I, "but supposing--supposing you +lost." + +"I shan't to-night," said Berry. + +"Sure?" + +"Positive. I tell you, I feel----" + +"And you," said Jonah scornfully, "you have the temerity to talk about +praying for others' souls. You sit there and----" + +"I tell you," insisted Berry, "that I have a premonition. Look here. +If I don't have a dart to-night, I shall never be the same man +again.... Boy, I implore you----" + +I shook my head. + +"Nothing doing," I said. "You'll thank us one day." + +"You don't understand," wailed Berry. "You've never known the feeling +that you were bound to win." + +"Yes, I have--often. And it's invariably proved a most expensive +sensation." + +There was a moment's silence. Then-- + +"Right," said my brother-in-law. "You're one and all determined to see +me go down. You've watched me drop two hundred, and not one of you's +going to give me a hand to help me pick it up. It may be high-minded, +but it's hardly cordial. Some people might call it churlish.... Upon +my soul, you are a cold-blooded crowd. Have you ever known a deal I +wouldn't come in on? And now, because you are virtuous, I'm to lose my +fun.... Ugh! Hymn Number Four Hundred and Seventy-Seven, 'The Cakes +and Ale are Over.'" + +Struggling with laughter, Adèle left her seat and, coming quickly +behind him, set her white hands upon his shoulders. + +"Dear old chap," she said, laying her cheek against his, "look at it +this way. You're begging and praying us to let you down. Yes, you +are. And if we helped you to break your word, neither you nor we would +ever, at the bottom of our hearts, think quite so much of us again. +And that's not good enough. Even if you won five thousand pounds it +wouldn't compensate. Respect and self-respect aren't things you can +buy." + +"But, sweetheart," objected Berry, "nothing was said about borrowing. +Daphne admits it. If I can raise some money without reference to my +bankers, I'm at liberty to do so." + +"Certainly," said Adèle. "But we mustn't help. If that was allowed, +it 'ld knock the bottom out of your promise. You and Daphne and we are +all in the same stable: and that--to mix metaphors--puts us out of +Court. If you ran into a fellow you knew, and he would lend you some +money, or you found a hundred in the street, or a letter for you +arrived----" + +"--or one of the lift-boys died, leaving me sole legatee.... I see. +Then I should be within my rights. In fact, if anything which can't +happen came to pass, no one would raise any objection to my taking +advantage of it. You know, you're getting too generous." + +"That's better," said Adèle. "A moment ago we were cold-blooded." + +Berry winced. + +"I take it back," he said humbly. "Your central heating arrangements, +at any rate, are in perfect order. Unless your heart was glowing, your +soft little cheek wouldn't be half so warm." + +"I don't know about that," said Adèle, straightening her back. "But we +try to be sporting. And that's your fault," she added. "You've taught +us." + +The applause which greeted this remark was interrupted by the entry of +a waiter bearing some letters which had been forwarded from Pau. + +A registered package, for which Berry was requested to sign, set us all +thinking. + +"Whatever is it?" said Daphne. + +"I can't imagine," replied her husband, scrutinising the postmark. +"'Paris'? I've ordered nothing from Paris that I can remember." + +"Open it quick," said Jonah. "Perhaps it's some wherewithal." + +Berry hacked at the string.... + +The next instant he leaped to his feet. + +"Fate!" he shrieked. "Fate! I told you my luck was in!" He turned to +his wife breathlessly. "'Member those Premium Bonds you wanted me to +go in for? Over a month ago I applied for twenty-five. I'd forgotten +about the trash--and _here they are_!" + + * * * * * + +Two hours and a half had gone by, and we were rounding a tremendous +horse-shoe bend on the way to Zarauz, when my wife touched Berry upon +the arm. + +"Aren't you excited?" she said. + +"Just a trifle," he answered. "But I'm trying to tread it under. It's +essential that I should keep cool. When you're arm in arm with +Fortune, you're apt to lose your head. And then you're done. The +jade'll give me my cues--I'm sure of it. But she won't shout them. +I've got to keep my eyes skinned and my ears pricked, if I'm going to +pick them up." + +"If I," said Adèle, "were in your shoes, I should be just gibbering." + +It was, indeed, a queer business. + +The dramatic appearance of the funds had startled us all. Had they +arrived earlier, had they come in the shape of something less easily +negotiable than Bearer Bonds, had they been representing more or less +than precisely the very sum which Berry had named in his appeal, we +might have labelled the matter "Coincidence," and thought no more of +it. Such a label, however, refused to stick. The affair ranked with +thunder out of a cloudless sky. + +As for my sister, with the wind taken out of her sails, she had hauled +down her flag. The thing was too hard for her. + +It was Jonah who had sprung a mine in the midst of our amazement. + +"Stop," he had cried. "Where's yesterday's paper? Those things are +Premium Bonds, and, unless I'm utterly mistaken, there was a drawing +two days ago. One of those little fellows may be worth a thousand +pounds." + +The paper had confirmed his report.... + +The thought that, but for his wit, we might have released such +substance to clutch at such a shadow, had set us all twittering more +than ever. + +At once a council had been held. + +Finally it had been decided to visit a bank and, before we disposed of +the Bonds, to ask for and search the official bulletin in which are +published the results of all Government Lottery Draws. + +Inquiry, however, had revealed that the day was some sort of a holiday, +and that no banks would be open.... + +At last a financier was unearthed--a changer of money. In execrable +French he had put himself at our service. + +'Yes, he had the bulletin. It had arrived this morning...' + +Feverishly we searched its pages. + +Once we had found the column, a glance was enough. Our Bonds bore +consecutive numbers, of which the first figure was "o." The series +appeared to be unfortunate. The winning list contained not a single +representative. + +More reassured than disappointed, we raised the question of a loan. + +Our gentleman picked at the Bonds and wrinkled his nose. After a +little he offered one hundred pounds. + +This was absurd, and we said so. + +The Bonds were worth two hundred and fifty pounds, and were as good as +hard cash. The fellow had no office, and, when we wanted him again, as +like as not he would have disappeared. His personal appearance was +against him. + +When we protested, his answer came pat. + +'He was no money-lender. In the last ten years he had not advanced ten +pesetas. He was a changer of money, a broker, and nothing else.' + +Finally he offered one hundred and fifty pounds--at sixty per cent. a +year _or part of a year_. + +For one so ignorant of usury, this was not bad. We thanked him acidly, +offered the Bonds for sale, and, after a little calculation, accepted +two hundred and forty-three pounds in Spanish notes. + +Half an hour later we had climbed into the cars, anxious to make the +most of our last day in Spain.... + +If the way to Zarauz was handsome, that from Zarauz to Zumaya was fit +for a king. Take us a range of mountains--bold, rugged, precipitous, +and bring the sea to their foot--no ordinary sea, sirs, but Ocean +himself, the terrible Atlantic to wit, in all his glory. And there, +upon the boundary itself, where his proud waves are stayed, build us a +road, a curling shelf of a road, to follow the line of that most +notable indenture, witnessing the covenant 'twixt land and sea, settled +when Time was born. + +Above us, the ramparts of Spain--below, an echelon of rollers, +ceaselessly surging to their doom--before us, a ragged wonder of +coast-line, rising and falling and thrusting into the distance, till +the snarling leagues shrank into murmuring inches and tumult dwindled +into rest--on our right, the might, majesty, dominion and power of +Ocean, a limitless laughing mystery of running white and blue, shining +and swaying and swelling till the eye faltered before so much +magnificence and Sky let fall her curtain to spare the failing +sight--for over six miles we hung over the edge of Europe.... + +Little wonder that we sailed into Zumaya--all red roofs, white walls +and royal-blue timbers--with full hearts, flushed and exulting. The +twenty precious minutes which had just gone by were charged with the +spirit of the Odyssey. + +Arrived at the village, we stopped, to wait for the others. So soon as +they came, we passed on slowly along the road to Deva. Perhaps a mile +from Zumaya we ate our lunch.... + +The comfortable hush which should succeed a hearty meal made in the +open air upon a summer's day was well established. Daphne and Adèle +were murmuring conversation: in a low voice Jill was addressing Berry +and thinking of Piers: pipe in mouth, Jonah was blinking into a pair of +field-glasses: and I was lying flat upon my back, neither smoking nor +sleeping, but gradually losing consciousness with a cigarette in my +hand. + +I had come to the point of postponing through sheer lethargy the +onerous duty of lifting the cigarette to my lips, when, with an oath +that ripped the air, Jonah started to his feet. + +Sleep went flying. + +I sat up amazedly, propping myself on my hands.... + +With dropped jaw, my cousin was staring through the glasses as a man +who is looking upon sudden death. While I watched, he lowered them, +peered into the distance, clapped them again to his eyes, let them +fall, glanced swiftly to right and left, shut his mouth with a snap, +and made a dash for the cars.... + +With his hand upon Ping's door, he turned and pointed a trembling +forefinger along the valley. + +"There's Zed," he cried. "My horse. Haven't seen him since Cambrai. +Leading a team, and they're flogging him." + +I fancy he knew I should join him, for he never closed Ping's door. As +he changed into second, I swung myself inboard. A moment later we were +flying along the dusty road.... + +Zed had been Jonah's charger for over three years. Together, for month +after month, the two had endured the rough and revelled in the smooth. +They had shared misery, and they had shared ease. Together, many +times, they had passed through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. And, +while the animal must have loved Jonah, my cousin was devoted to the +horse. At last came Cambrai.... + +Jonah was shot through the knee and sent to England. And Zed--poor Zed +disappeared. + +My cousin's efforts to trace him were superhuman. Unhappily his groom +had been killed, when Jonah was wounded, and, though all manner of +authorities, from the Director of Remounts downwards, had lent their +official aid, though a most particular description had been circulated +and special instructions issued to all the depots through which the +horse might pass, to his lasting grief Jonah had never heard of Zed +again. + +And now.... I found myself praying that he had not been mistaken. + +Jonah was driving like a man possessed. + +We tore up a rise, whipped round a bend and, coming suddenly upon a +road on our right, passed it with locked wheels. + +The noise my cousin made, as he changed into reverse, showed that his +love for Zed was overwhelming. + +We shot backward, stopped, stormed to the right and streaked up a +shocking road at forty-five.... We flashed into a hamlet, turned at +right angles, missed a waggon by an inch and flung up a frightful track +towards a farm.... + +Then, before I knew what had happened, we had stopped dead, and Jonah's +door was open and he was limping across the road. + +In the jaws of a rude gateway stood a waggon of stones. Harnessed to +this were three sorry-looking mules and, leading them, the piteous +wreck of what had been a blue roan. The latter was down--and out. + +For this the immediate reason was plain. + +The teamster, better qualified for the treadmill, had so steered his +waggon that the hub of its off fore wheel had met the gatepost. This +he had not observed, but, a firm believer in the omnipotency of the +lash, had determined to reduce the check, whatever might be its cause, +by methods of blood and iron. Either because he was the most +convenient or by virtue of his status, the leader had received the +brunt of the attack. That is, of course, one way of driving.... + +The blue roan was down, and his master had just kicked him in the belly +when Jonah arrived. + +The Spaniard was a big fellow, but my cousin has wrists of steel.... +He took the whip from its owner as one takes a toy from a baby. Then +with the butt he hit him across the mouth. The Spaniard reeled, caught +his foot on a stone and fell heavily. Jonah threw down the whip and +took off his coat. + +"I don't want to kill him," he said quietly. + +When the other rose, he looked extremely ugly. This was largely due to +the fact that most of his front teeth were missing and that it was +difficult, because of the blood, to see exactly where his face ended +and his mouth began. The look in his eyes, however, was suggesting the +intent to kill. + +He had no idea, of course, that he was facing perhaps the one man +living who could have thrashed a champion.... + +It is not often that you will see half a dozen of the most illustrious +members of the National Sporting Club attending an Assault-at-Arms held +at a public school. Three years running I had that honour. The +gentlemen came to see Jonah. And though no applause was allowed during +the boxing, they always broke the rule.... In due season my cousin +went to Oxford.... In his second year, in the Inter-University +contest, he knocked his opponent out in seven seconds. The latter +remained unconscious for more than six hours, each crawling one of +which took a year off Jonah's life. From that day my cousin never put +on the gloves again.... + +All, however, that the Spaniard saw was a tall lazy-looking man with a +game leg, who by his gross interference had taken him by surprise. + +He lowered his head and actually ran upon his fate.... + +I have never seen "punishment" at once so frightful and so +punctiliously administered. Jonah worked with the swift precision of +the surgeon about the operating table. He confessed afterwards that +his chief concern was to keep his opponent too blind with rage to see +the wisdom of capitulation. He need not have worried.... + +When it had become obvious that the blessed gifts of sight, smell, and +hearing had been almost wholly withdrawn from the gentleman, when, in +fact, he had practically ceased attempting to defend himself, and +merely bellowed with mortification at every stinging blow, Jonah +knocked him sprawling on to the midden, and drew off his wash-leather +gloves. + +The next moment he was down on his knees beside the roan, plucking at +the rough harness with trembling fingers. + +Once the horse sought to rise, but at Jonah's word he stopped and laid +down his head. + +Between us we got him clear. Then we stood back, and Jonah called him. + +With a piteous effort the roan got upon his legs. That there was back +trouble and at least one hock was sprung I saw at a glance. The horse +had been broken down. He was still blowing badly, and I ran for the +flask in the car. When I came back, Jonah was caressing his charger +with tears running down his cheeks.... + +There is a listlessness, born of harsh treatment, suckled on dying +hopes, reared on the bitter memory of happier days, which is more +eloquent than tears. There is an air of frozen misery, of a despair so +deep that a kind word has come to lose its meaning, which none but +horses wear. + +Looking upon Zed, I felt ashamed to be a man. + +Gaunt, filthy, and tottering, the flies mercilessly busy about three +shocking sores, the roan was presenting a terrible indictment to be +filed against the Day of Judgment. '...And not one of them is +forgotten before God....' But there was worse than pain of body here. +The dull, see-nothing eyes, the heavy-laden head, the awful-stricken +mien, told of a tragedy to make the angels weep--an English +thoroughbred, not dead, but with a broken heart. + +We had administered the brandy, Jonah was bathing a sore, and I had +made a wisp and was rubbing Zed down, when-- + +"Good day," said a voice. + +With his arms folded upon the sill, a little grey-headed man was +watching us from a window. + +I looked up and nodded. + +"Good day," I said. + +"Ah like boxing," said the man. "Ah've bin twelve years in the States, +an' Ah'd rather see boxing than a bull-fight. You like baseball?" + +I shook my head. + +"I've never seen it," I said. + +"Haven't missed much," was the reply. "But Ah like boxing. You +visiting Spain?" + +"For a few days." + +"'S a fine country. Bin to Sevilla?" + +Entirely ignoring the violence which he had just witnessed, to say +nothing of our trespass upon his property and our continued attention +to his horse, the farmer proceeded to discuss the merits and +shortcomings of Spain with as much detached composure as if we had met +him in a tavern. + +At length Jonah got up. + +"Will you sell me this horse?" + +"Yes," said the man. "Ah will." + +"What d'you want for him?" + +"Five hundred pesetas." + +"Right," said Jonah. "Have you got a halter?" + +The man disappeared. Presently he emerged from a door halter in hand. + +The twenty pounds passed, and Zed was ours. + +Tenderly my cousin fitted the halter about the drooping head. + +"One more effort, old chap," he said gently, turning towards the +gate.... + +Out of compassion for the mules, I drew the farmer's attention to the +hub which was nursing the gatepost. + +He just nodded. + +"Pedro could never drive," he said. + +"I should get a new carter," I said. + +He shrugged his shoulders. Then he jerked his head in the direction of +the carcase upon the midden. + +"He is my step-father. We do not speak," he said simply. + +We found the others in the hamlet through which we had passed. There I +handed over Ping to Adèle, and thence Jonah and Zed and I walked to +Zumaya. + +To find a box at the station was more than we had dared hope for, but +there it was--empty and waiting to be returned to San Sebastian. +Beneath the influence of twenty-five pesetas, the station-master saw no +good reason why it should not be returned by the evening train. + +We left Jonah to accompany his horse and hurried home by car to seek a +stable. + +When we sat down to dinner that night at eight o'clock, Jonah called +for the wine-list and ordered a magnum of champagne. + +When the wine was poured, he raised his glass and looked at me. + +"Thank you for helping me," he said. He glanced round with his eyes +glowing. "And all of you for being so glad." He drank and touched +Adèle upon the shoulder. "In a loose-box, up to his knees in straw, +with an armful of hay to pick over, and no congestion.... Have you +ever felt you wanted to get up and dance?" He turned to Berry. +"Brother, your best. May you spot the winner to-night, as I did this +afternoon." + +"Thank you," said Berry, "thank you. I must confess I'd been hoping +for some sort of intuition as to what to do. But I've not had a hint +so far. Perhaps, when I get to the table.... It's silly, of course. +One mustn't expect too much, but I had the feeling that I was going to +be given a tip. You know. Like striking a dud egg, and then putting +your shirt on a horse called 'Attar of Roses.' ... Never mind. Let's +talk about something else. Why did you call him 'Zed'?" + +"Short for 'Zero,'" said Jonah. "I think my groom started it, and +I----" + +"Zero," said Berry quietly. "I'm much obliged." + + * * * * * + +It was a quarter to eleven, and Berry had lost one hundred and seventy +pounds. + +Across her husband's back Daphne threw me a despairing glance. Upon +the opposite side of the table, Adèle and Jill, one upon either side of +Jonah, stared miserably before them. I lighted my tenth cigarette and +wondered what Berry had done.... + +The table was crowded. + +From their points of vantage the eight croupiers alternately did their +business and regarded the assembly with a bored air. + +A beautifully dressed American, who had been losing, observed the luck +of her neighbour, a burly Dutchman, with envious eyes. With a +remonstrance in every fingertip, a debonnaire Frenchman was laughingly +upbraiding his fellow for giving him bad advice. From above his +horn-rimmed spectacles an old gentleman in a blue suit watched the +remorseless rake jerk his five pesetas into "the Bank" in evident +annoyance. Cheek by jowl with a dainty Englishwoman, who reminded me +irresistibly of a Dresden shepherdess, a Spanish Jew, who had won, was +explosively disputing with a croupier the amount of his stake. Two +South Americans were leaning across the table, nonchalantly "plastering +the board." A little old lady, with an enormous bag, was thanking an +elegant Spaniard for disposing her stake as she desired. Finger to +lip, a tall Spanish girl in a large black hat was sizing her remaining +counters with a faint frown. A very young couple, patently upon their +honeymoon, were conferring excitedly.... + +"_Hagan juego, Señores._" + +The conference between the lovers became more intense. + +"_Esta hecho?_" + +"Oh, be quick!" cried the girl. "Between '7' and '8,' Bill. +Between..." + +As the money went on-- + +"_No va mas_," cried the croupier in charge. + +Two pairs of eyes peered at the revolving wheel. They did not notice +that the Dutchman, plunging at the last moment upon 'MANQUE,' had +touched their counter with his cuff and moved it to '9.' + +The ball lost its momentum, poppled across the ridges, and leaped to +rest. + +"_Nueve._" + +Two faces fell. I wondered if a new frock had vanished into air.... + +With the edge of his rake a croupier was tapping their counter and +looking round for the claimant. + +For a second the Jew peered about him. Then he pointed to himself and +stretched out his hand. + +I called to the croupier in French. + +"No. It belongs to Monsieur and Madame. I saw what happened. That +gentleman moved it with his cuff." + +"_Merci, Monsieur._" + +With a sickly leer the pretender rallied the croupier, confidentially +assured the dainty Englishwoman that he did not care, and, laughing a +little too heartily, waved the thirty-five pounds towards their +bewildered owners. + +"B-but it isn't mine," stammered the boy. + +"Yes," I said, smiling. "Your counter was moved. I saw the whole +thing." I hesitated. Then, "If you'll take an old hand's advice, +you'll stop now. A thing like that's invariably the end of one's luck." + +I was not 'an old hand,' and I had no authority for my dictum. My +interference was unpardonable. When the two stopped to thank me, as +they passed from the room, I felt like a criminal. Still, they looked +very charming; and, after all, a frock on the back is worth a score at +the dressmaker's. + +"I am going," said Berry, "to suspend my courtship and smoke a +cigarette. Possibly I'm going too strong. If I give the lady a rest, +she may think more of me." + +"I suppose," said Daphne, "you're bent on losing it all." + +Her husband frowned. + +"Fortune favours the bold," he said shortly. "You see, she's just +proving me. If I were to falter, she'd turn me down." + +It was impossible not to admire such confidence. + +I bade my sister take heart. + +"Much," I concluded, "may be done with forty pounds." + +"Fifty," corrected Berry. "And now let's change the subject. How +d'you pronounce Lwow? Or would you rather tell me a fairy tale?" + +I shook my head. + +"My power," I said, "of concentration is limited." + +"Then I must," said Berry. "It's fatal to brood over your fortune." +He sat back in his chair and let the smoke make its own way out of his +mouth. "There was once a large king. It wasn't his fault. The girth +went with the crown. All the Koppabottemburgs were enormous. Besides, +it went very well with his subjects. Looking upon him, they felt they +were getting their money's worth. A man of simple tastes, his +favourite hobby was fowls. + +"One day, just as he'd finished cleaning out the fowl-house, he found +that he'd run out of maize. So he slipped on his invisible cloak and +ran round to the grocer's. He always wore his invisible cloak when +shopping. He found it cheaper. + +"Well, the grocer was just recovering from the spectacle of two pounds +of the best maize shoving themselves into a brown-paper bag and pushing +off down the High Street, when a witch came in. The grocer's heart +sank into his boots. He hated witches. If you weren't civil, before +you knew where you were, you were a three-legged toad or a dew-pond or +something. So you had to be civil. As for their custom--well, it +wasn't worth having. They wouldn't look at bacon, unless you'd +guarantee that the pig had been killed on a moonless Friday with the +wind in the North, and as for pulled figs, if you couldn't swear that +the box had been crossed by a one-eyed man whose father had committed +arson in a pair of brown boots, you could go and bury them under the +lilacs. + +"This time, however, the grocer was pleasantly surprised. + +"I didn't know," said the witch, "that you were under the patronage of +Royalty." + +"Oh, didn't you?" said the grocer. "Why, the Master of the Horse has +got his hoof-oil here for nearly two days now." + +"Master of the Horse be snookered," said the witch. "I'm talking about +the king." + +"'The K-King?'" stammered the grocer. + +"'Oh, cut it out,' said the witch, to whom an invisible cloak meant +nothing. 'No doubt you've been told to keep quiet, but I don't count. +And I'll bet you did the old fool over his maize.' + +"The grocer's brain worked very rapidly. The memory of a tin of mixed +biscuits and half a Dutch cheese, which had floated out of his shop +only the day before, and numerous other recollections of mysteriously +animated provisions came swarming into his mind. At length-- + +"'We never charge Royalty,' he said loftily. + +"'Oh, don't you?' snapped the witch. 'Well, supposing you change this +broomstick. You swore blue it was cut on a rainless Tuesday from an +ash that had supported a murderer with a false nose. The very first +time I used it, it broke at six thousand feet. I was over the sea at +the time, and had to glide nearly four miles to make a landing. Can +you b-beat it?' + +"When the grocer put up his shutters two hectic hours later, he was a +weary man. In the interval he had been respectively a toad, a picture +post-card, and a tin of baked beans. And somebody had knocked him off +the counter during his third metamorphosis, so he felt like death. All +the same, before going to bed, he sat down and wrote to the Lord +Chamberlain, asking for permission to display the Royal Arms. Just to +make it quite clear that he wasn't relying on hoof-oil, he added that +he was shortly expecting a fine consignment of maize and other +commodities. + +"The postscript settled it. + +"The permission was granted, the king 'dealt' elsewhere in future, and +the witch was given three hours to leave the kingdom. So the grocer +lost his two worst customers and got the advertisement of his life. +Which goes to show, my children, that if only---- Hullo! Here's a new +shift." + +It was true. + +The eight croupiers were going off duty. As they vacated their seats, +eight other gentlemen in black immediately replaced them. + +Berry extinguished his cigarette and handed me his last bunch of notes. +In exchange for these, with the peculiar delicacy of his kind, the +croupier upon my right selected, arrayed and offered me counters of the +value of forty English pounds. + +He might have been spared his pains. + +As I was piling the money by Berry's side-- + +"_Zero,_" announced a nasal voice. + +"We're off," said my brother-in-law. "Will you see that they pay me +right?" + +One hundred and seventy-five pounds. + +Ere I had completed my calculation-- + +"_Zero,_" repeated the nasal voice. + +"I said so," said Berry, raising his eyebrows. "I had the maximum that +time. Will you be so good? Thank you." + +Trembling with excitement, I started to count the equivalent of four +hundred and ninety pounds. + +Berry was addressing the croupier. + +"No. Don't touch the stake. She's not finished yet." + +"_Esta hecho?_" + +"Don't leave it all," begged Daphne. "Take----" + +"_No vas mas._" + +Desperately I started to check the money again.... + +"_Zero._" + +There was a long gasp of wonderment, immediately followed by a buzz of +exclamation. The croupiers were smiling. Jill was jumping up and down +in her seat. Adèle was shaking Jonah by the arm. My sister was +clinging to Berry, imploring him to "stop now." The two Frenchmen were +laughing and nodding their congratulations. The little old lady was +bowing and beaming good-will. Excepting, perhaps, the croupiers. +Berry seemed less concerned than anyone present. + +"No. I'm not going to stop," he said gently, "because that would be +foolish. But I'll give it a miss this time, because it's not coming +up. It's no longer a question of guessing, dear. I tell you, I know." + +The ball went flying. + +After a moment's interval-- + +"_Ocho_ (eight)," announced the croupier. + +"You see," said Berry. "I should have lost my money. Now this time my +old friend Zero will come along." + +On to the white-edged rectangle went fourteen pounds. + +A few seconds later I was receiving four hundred and ninety.... + +I began to feel dazed. As for counting the money, it was out of the +question. Idiotically I began to arrange the counters in little +piles.... + +'35' turned up. + +"That's right," said Berry quietly. "And now... It's really very +monotonous, but..." + +With a shrug of his shoulders, he set the limit on 'Zero.' + +I held my breath.... + +The ball ceased to rattle--began to fall--ricochetted from stud to +stud--tumbled into the wheel--nosed '32'--and ... fell with a click +into '0.' + +Berry spread out his hands. + +"I tell you," he said, "it's too easy.... And now, again." + +"Don't!" cried Daphne. "Don't! I beg you----" + +"My darling," said Berry, "after to-night--No. Leave the stake, +please--I'll never play again. This evening--well, the money's there, +and we may as well have it, mayn't we? I mean, it isn't as if I hadn't +been given the tip. From the moment I woke this morning---- Listen, +dear. Don't bother about the wheel--the lady's been hammering away. +You must admit, she's done the job thoroughly. First the intuition: +then the wherewithal: then, what to back. I should be a bottle-nosed +mug if I didn't----" + +"_Zero._" + +Upon the explosion of excitement which greeted the astounding event, +patrons of the Baccarat Table and of the other Roulette Wheel left +their seats and came crowding open-mouthed to see what was toward. +Complete strangers were chattering like old friends. Gibbering with +emotion, the Spanish Jew was dramatically recounting what had occurred. +The Dutchman was sitting back, laughing boisterously. The Frenchmen +were waving and crying, "_Vive l'Angleterre_." Jonah was shouting as +though he had been in the hunting field. Adèle and Jill were beating +upon the table. + +Berry bowed his acknowledgments. + +As in a dream, I watched them send for more money. + +When it arrived, they gave me four hundred and ninety pounds. + +"_Hagan juego, Señores._" + +Berry shook his head. + +"Not this time," he said quietly. + +He was right. After a look at '0' the ball ran with a click into '15.' + +A long sigh of relief followed its settlement. + +"You see?" said Berry, picking up fourteen pounds.... + +"Don't," I said weakly. "Don't. I can't bear it. The board's +bewitched. If it turns up again, I shall collapse." + +"You mean that?" said Berry, putting the money on. + +"_No va mas._" + +"I do. My heart----" + +"Then say your prayers," said my brother-in-law. "For, as I live, that +ball's going to pick out----" + +"_Zero._" + +I never remember such a scene. + +Everybody in the room seemed to be shouting. I know I was. +Respectable Spaniards stamped upon the floor like bulls. The +Frenchmen, who with Berry and several others had backed the winner, +were clasping one another and singing the Marseillaise. The +beautifully dressed American was wringing Adèle's hand. The old +gentleman in the blue suit was on his feet and appeared to be making a +speech. The Spanish girl was standing upon her chair waving a +handkerchief.... + +In vain the smiling croupiers appealed for order.... + +As the tumult subsided-- + +"Seven times in ten spins," said Berry. "Well, I think that'll do. +We'll just run up the board on the even chances...." + +There was no holding him. + +Before I knew where I was, he had set twelve thousand pesetas apiece on +'RED,' 'ODD,' and 'UNDER 19.' + +Some fourteen hundred pounds on a single spin. + +I covered my eyes ... + +As the ball began to lose way, the hush was awful.... + +"_Siete_ (seven)," announced the spokesman. + +With my brain whirling, I sought to garner the harvest.... + +My brother-in-law rose to his feet. + +"One last throw," he said. "'_PASSE_' for 'The Poor.'" + +He leaned forward and put the maximum on 'OVER 18.' + +A moment later, counter by counter, four hundred and seventy pounds +went into the poor-box. + +As I pushed back my chair, I glanced at my watch. + +In exactly sixteen minutes Berry had stung 'the Bank' to the tune +of--as near as I could make it--four thousand nine hundred and +ninety-five pounds. + + * * * * * + +Some ten hours later we slipped out of San Sebastian and on to the +famous road which leads to Biarritz. Berry, Daphne, and Jill were in +one car, and Adèle and I were in the other. Jonah and Zed were to +travel together by train. It was improbable that they would leave for +Pau before the morrow. + +As we climbed out of Behobie, we took our last look at Spain, that +realm of majestic distances and superb backgrounds.... + +You may peer into the face of France and find it lovely; the more you +magnify an English landscape, the richer it will become; but to find +the whole beauty of Spain, a man must stand back and lift up his eyes. + +Now that we had left it behind, the pride and grandeur of the scenery +beggared description. It was as though for days we had been looking +upon a mighty canvas, and while we had caught something of its +splendour, now for the first time had we focussed it aright. The +memory we took away was that of a masterpiece. + +Anxious to be home in time for luncheon, I laid hold of the wheel.... + +We whipped through St. Jean de Luz, sang through Bidart, and hobbled +over a fearful stretch of metalling into Bayonne.... + +As we were nearing Bidache-- + +"How much," said Adèle suddenly, "is Berry actually up?" + +"Allowing for everything," said I, "that is, his losses, what he gave +to the poor, and the various rates of exchange, about two hundred and +forty thousand francs." + +"Not so dusty," said Adèle thoughtfully. "All the same----" + +A report like that of a gun blew the sentence to blazes. + +Heavily I took the car in to the side of the road.... + +A second tire went upon the outskirts of Pau. + +Happily we had two spare wheels.... + +As I was wearily resuming my seat, Berry, Daphne, and Jill went by with +a cheer. + +Slowly we followed them into the town.... + +It was not until we were stealing up our own villa's drive that at +length I remembered the question which for over an hour I had been +meaning to put to my wife. + +As I brought the car to a standstill-- + +"What was it," I demanded, "that you had begun to say when we had the +first burst near Bidache? We were talking about how much Berry was up, +and you said----" + +The most blood-curdling yell that I have ever heard fell upon our ears. + +For a moment we stared at one another. + +Then we fell out of the car by opposite doors and flew up the steps.... + +Extended upon a chair in the hall. Berry was bellowing, clawing at his +temples and drumming with his heels upon the floor. + +Huddled together, Daphne and Jill were poring over a letter with +starting eyes. + + +_DEAR SIR,_ + +_In case the fact has not already come to your notice, we hasten to +inform you that as a result of the drawing, which took place on Monday +last, one of the Premium Bonds, which we yesterday dispatched to you +per registered post, has won the first prize of fr. 500,000 (five +hundred thousand francs)._ + +_By way of confirmation, we beg to enclose a cutting from the official +Bulletin._ + +_We should, perhaps, point out that, in all announcements of the +results of drawings, the '0' or 'zero,' which for some reason +invariably precedes the number of a Premium Bond, is disregarded._ + +_Awaiting the pleasure of your instructions,_ + + _We beg to remain, dear sir, + Your obedient servants,_ + ---------- + + * * * * * + +It was perhaps five hours later that my memory again responded, and I +turned to Adèle. + +"The dam burst," said I, "at the very moment when you were going to +tell me what you had been about to say when the first tire went outside +Bidache. Sounds like 'The House that Jack built,' doesn't it?" + +"Oh, I know," said Adèle, laughing. "But it's no good now. I was +going to say----" + +The door opened, and Falcon came in with a wire. + +I picked up the form and weighed it thoughtfully. + +"Wonderfully quick," I said. "It was half-past two when I was at the +Bank, and I couldn't have been at the Post Office before a quarter to +three. I looked at my watch. Just under four hours." + +"The Bank?" said Adèle, staring. "But you said you were going to the +Club." + +I nodded. + +"I know. I was anxious to raise no false hopes. All the same, I +couldn't help feeling that half a million francs were worth a tenpenny +wire. Therefore I telegraphed to Jonah. His answer will show whether +that tenpenny wire was worth half a million francs." + +My wife snatched the form from my hand and tore it open. + +It was very short. + + _Bonds repurchased Jonah._ + + * * * * * + +But my memory never recovered from the two-fold slight. + +To this day I cannot remember to ask Adèle what it was that she had +been about to say when the first tire burst outside Bidache. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +HOW BERRY SOUGHT COMFORT IN VAIN, AND NOBBY SLEPT UPON A QUEEN'S BED. + +Time was getting on. + +The season at Pau was approaching the end of its course. Already +villas and flats and servants were being engaged for the winter to +come. We had been asked definitely whether we proposed to return and, +if so, whether we wished again to occupy the excellent villa we had. +Not knowing what answer to make to the first question, we had passed to +the second--somewhat illogically. The second had proved more heatedly +disputable than the first. Finally Jill had looked up from a letter to +Piers and put in her oar with a splash. + +"The villa's all right," she announced. "Everyone says it's the best, +and so should we, if we didn't live in it. It's what's inside that's +so awful. Even one decent sofa would make all the difference." + +In silence we pondered her words. + +At length-- + +"I confess," said Berry, "that the idea of having a few chairs about in +which you can sit continuously for ten minutes, not so much in comfort +as without fear of contracting a bed-sore or necrosis of the coccyx, +appeals to me. Compared with most of the 'sitzplatz' in this here +villa, an ordinary church pew is almost voluptuous. The beastly things +seem designed to promote myalgia." + +"Yet they do know," said I. "The French, I mean. Look at their beds." + +"Exactly," replied my brother-in-law. "That's the maddening part of +it. Every French bed is an idyll--a poem of repose. The upholsterer +puts his soul into its creation. A born genius, he expresses himself +in beds. The rest of the junk he turns out..." He broke off and +glanced about the room. His eye lighted upon a couch, lozenge-shaped, +hog-backed, featuring the Greek-Key pattern in brown upon a brick-red +ground and surrounded on three sides by a white balustrade some three +inches high. "Just consider that throne. Does it or does it not +suggest collusion between a private-school workshop, a bricklayer's +labourer, and the Berlin branch of the Y.W.C.A.?" + +"If," said Daphne, "it was only the chairs, I wouldn't mind. But it's +everything. The sideboard, for instance----" + +"Ah," said her husband, "my favourite piece. The idea of a double +cabin-washstand is very beautifully carried out. I'm always expecting +Falcon to press something and a couple of basins to appear. Then we +can wash directly after the asparagus." + +"The truth is," said Adèle, "these villas are furnished to be let. And +when you've said that, you've said everything." + +"I agree," said I. "And if we liked Pau enough to come back next +autumn, the best thing to do is to have a villa of our own. I'm quite +ready to face another three winters here, and, if everyone else is, it +'ld be worth while. As for furniture, we can easily pick out enough +from Cholmondely Street and White Ladies." + +There was a moment's silence. + +Then-- + +"I'm on," said Jonah, who had caught three splendid salmon in the last +two days. "This place suits me." + +"And me," said Adèle warmly. + +My sister turned to her husband. + +"What d'you think, old chap?" + +Berry smiled beatifically. A far-away look came into his eyes. + +"I shall personally superintend," he announced, "the removal and +destruction of the geyser." + +Amid some excitement the matter was then and there decided. + +The more we thought upon it, the sounder seemed the idea. The place +suited us all. To have our things about us would be wholly delightful. +Provided we meant for the future to winter abroad, we should save money. + +Pleasedly we proceeded to lunch. + +Throughout the meal we discussed what manner of house ours must be, +situation, dimensions, aspect. We argued amiably about its garden and +curtilage. We determined to insist upon two bathrooms. By the time +the cheese was served, we had selected most of the furniture and were +bickering good-temperedly about the style of the wall-papers. + +Then we rang up a house-agent, to learn that he had no unfurnished +villa "to let" upon his books. He added gratuitously that, except for +a ruined château upon the other side of Tarbes, he had nothing "for +sale" either. + +So soon as we had recovered, we returned to the charge... + +The third agent we addressed was not quite certain. There was, he +said, a house in the town--_très solids, très serieuse, dans un +quartier chic_. It would, he thought, be to our liking. It had, for +instance, _une salle de fête superbe_. He was not sure, however, that +it was still available. A French gentleman was much attracted, and had +visited it three times. + +We were greatly disgusted and said so. We did not want a house in the +town. We wanted.... + +Finally we succumbed to his entreaties and promised to view the villa, +if it was still in the market. He was to ring us up in ten minutes' +time.... + +So it happened that half an hour later we were standing curiously +before the great iron gates of a broad shuttered mansion in the Rue +Mazagran, Pau, while the agent was alternately pealing the bell for the +caretaker and making encouraging gestures in our direction. + +Viewed from without, the villa was not unpleasing. It looked extremely +well-built, it stood back from the pavement, it had plenty of elbow +room. The street itself was as silent as the tomb. Perhaps, if we +could find nothing else.... We began to wonder whether you could see +the mountains from the second floor. + +At last a caretaker appeared, I whistled to Nobby, and we passed up a +short well-kept drive. + +A moment later we had left the sunlight behind and had entered a huge +dim hall. + +"Damp," said Berry instantly, sniffing the air. "Damp for a monkey. I +can smell the good red earth." + +Daphne sniffed thoughtfully. + +"I don't think so," she said. "When a house has been shut up like +this, it's bound to----" + +"It's wonderful," said her husband, "what you can't smell when you +don't want to. Never mind. If you want to live over water, I don't +care. But don't say I didn't warn you. Besides, it'll save us money. +We can grow moss on the floors instead of carpets." + +"It does smell damp," said Adèle, "but there's central heating. See?" +She pointed to a huge radiator. "If that works as it should, it'll +make your carpets fade." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"I see what it is," he said. "You two girls have scented cupboards. I +never yet knew a woman who could resist cupboards. In a woman's eyes a +superfluity of cupboards can transform the most poisonous habitation +into a desirable residence. If you asked a woman what was the use of a +staircase, she'd say, 'To put cupboards under.'" + +By now the shutters had been opened, and we were able to see about us. +As we were glancing round, the caretaker shuffled to a door beneath the +stairs. + +"Here is a magnificent cupboard," she announced. "There are many +others." + +As we passed through the house, we proved the truth of her words. I +have never seen so many cupboards to the square mile in all my life. + +My wife and my sister strove to dissemble their delight. At length +Cousin Jill, however, spoke frankly enough. + +"They really are beautiful. Think of the room they give. You'll be +able to put everything away." + +Berry turned to me. + +"Isn't it enough to induce a blood-clot? 'Beautiful.' Evil-smelling +recesses walled up with painted wood. Birthplaces of mice. +Impregnable hot-beds of vermin. And who wants to 'put everything +away'?" + +"Hush," said I. "They can't help it. Besides---- Hullo! Here's +another bathroom." + +"Without a bath," observed my brother-in-law. "How very convenient! +Of course, you're up much quicker, aren't you? I suppose the idea is +not to keep people waiting. Come along." We passed into a bedroom. +"Oh, what a dream of a paper! 'Who Won the Boat-race, or The Battle of +the Blues.' Fancy waking up here after a heavy night. I suppose the +designer was found 'guilty, but insane.' Another two cupboards? +Thanks. That's fifty-nine. And yet another? Oh, no. The backstairs, +of course. As before, approached by a door which slides to and fro +with a gentle rumbling noise, instead of swinging. The same warranted +to jam if opened hastily. Can't you hear Falcon on the wrong side with +a butler's tray full of glass, wondering why he was born? Oh, and the +bijou spiral leads to the box-room, does it? I see. Adèle's American +trunks, especially the five-foot cube, will go up there beautifully. +Falcon will like this house, won't he?" + +"I wish to goodness you'd be quiet," said Daphne. "I want to think." + +"It's not me," said her husband. "It's that Inter-University +wall-paper. And now where's the tower? I suppose that's approached by +a wire rope with knots in it?" + +"What tower?" said Adèle. + +"_The_ tower. The feature of the house. Or was it a ballroom?" + +"Ah," I cried, "the ballroom! I'd quite forgotten." I turned to the +agent. "Didn't you say there was a ballroom?" + +"But yes, _Monsieur_. On the ground-floor. I will show it to you at +once." + +We followed him downstairs in single file, and so across the hall to +where two tall oak doors were suggesting a picture-gallery. For a +moment the fellow fumbled at their lock. Then he pushed the two open. + +I did not know that, outside a palace, there was such a chamber in all +France. Of superb proportions, the room was panelled from floor to +ceiling with oak--richly carved oak--and every handsome panel was +outlined with gold. The ceiling was all of oak, fretted with gold. +The floor was of polished oak, inlaid with ebony. At the end of the +room three lovely pillars upheld a minstrels' gallery, while opposite a +stately oriel yawned a tremendous fireplace, with two stone seraphim +for jambs. + +In answer to our bewildered inquiries, the agent explained excitedly +that the villa had been built upon the remains of a much older house, +and that, while the other portions of the original mansion had +disappeared, this great chamber and the basement were still surviving. +But that was all. Beyond that it was once a residence of note, he +could tell us nothing. + +Rather naturally, we devoted more time to the ballroom than to all the +rest of the house. Against our saner judgment, the possession of the +apartment attracted us greatly. It was too vast to be used with +comfort as a sitting-room. The occasions upon which we should enjoy it +as '_une salle de fête_,' would be comparatively few. Four ordinary +_salons_ would require less service and fuel. Yet, in spite of +everything, we wanted it very much. + +The rest of the house was convenient. The parlours were fine and airy; +there were two bathrooms; the bedrooms were good; the offices were +admirable. As for the basement, we lost our way there. It was +profound. It was also indubitably damp. There the dank smell upon +which Berry had remarked was most compelling. In the garden stood a +garage which would take both the cars. + +After a final inspection of the ballroom, we tipped the caretaker, +promised to let the agent know our decision, and, to the great +inconvenience of other pedestrians, strolled talkatively through the +streets towards the Boulevard. + +"I suppose," said Adèle, "those were the other people." + +"Who were the other people?" I demanded. + +"The two men standing in the hall as we came downstairs." + +"I never saw them," said I. "But if you mean that one of them was the +fellow who's after the house, I fancy you're wrong, because the agent +told me he'd gone to Bordeaux." + +"Well, I don't know who they were, then," replied my wife. "They were +talking to the caretaker. I saw them through the banisters. By the +time we'd got down, they'd disappeared. Any way, it doesn't matter. +Only, if it was them, it looks as if they were thinking pretty +seriously about it. You don't go to see a house four times out of +curiosity." + +"You mean," said Berry, "that if we're fools enough to take it, we'd +better get a move on." + +"Exactly. Let's go and have tea at Bouzom's, and thrash it out there." + +No one of us, I imagine, will ever forget that tea. + +Crowded about a table intended to accommodate four, we alternately +disputed and insulted one another for the better part of two hours. +Not once, but twice of her agitation my sister replenished the teapot +with Jill's chocolate, and twice fresh tea had to be brought. Berry +burned his mouth and dropped an apricot tartlet on to his shoe. Until +my disgust was excited by a nauseous taste, I continued to drink from a +cup in which Jonah had extinguished a cigarette. + +Finally Berry pushed back his chair and looked at his watch. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "we came here this memorable afternoon +to discuss the advisability of taking a certain messuage--to wit, the +Villa Buichi--for the space of three years. As a result of that +discussion I have formed certain conclusions. In the first place, I am +satisfied that to dwell with you or any of you in the Villa Buichi or +any other habitation for the space of three years presents a prospect +so horrifying as to belittle Death itself. Secondly, while my main +object in visiting the said messuage was to insure, if possible, +against the future contraction of some complaint or disease of the +hams, I have, I fear, already defeated that object by sitting for +upwards of ninety minutes upon a chair which is rather harder than the +living rock, and whose surface I have reason to believe is studded with +barbs. Thirdly, whilst we are all agreed that a rent of fourteen +thousand francs is grotesque, I'd rather pay twice that sum out of my +own pocket than continue an argument which threatens to affect my mind. +Fourthly, the house is not what we want, or where we want it. The +prospect of wassailing in your own comic banqueting-hall is alluring, +but the French cook believes in oil, and, to us, living in the town, +every passing breeze will offer indisputable evidence, not only of the +lengths to which this belief will go, but of the Pentateuchal effects +which can be obtained by a fearless application of heat to rancid +blubber. Fifthly, since we can get nothing else, and the thought of +another winter in England is almost as soul-shaking as that of living +again amid French furniture, I suppose we'd better take it, always +provided they fill up the basement, put on a Mansard roof, add a few +cupboards, and reduce the rent. Sixthly, I wish to heaven I'd never +seen the blasted place. Lastly, I now propose to repair to the _Cercle +Anglais_, or English Club, there in the privacy of the _lavabo_ to +remove the traces of the preserved apricot recently adhering to my +right shoe, and afterwards to ascertain whether a dry Martini, cupped +in the mouth, will do something to relieve the agony I am suffering as +the direct result of concentrating on this rotten scheme to the +exclusion of my bodily needs. But there you are. When the happiness +of others is at stake, I forget that I exist." + +With that, he picked up his hat and, before we could stop him, walked +out of the shop. + +With such an avowal ringing in our ears, it was too much to expect that +he would remember that he had ordered the tea, and had personally +consumed seven cakes, not counting the apricot tart. + +However... + +I followed him to the Club, rang up the agent, and offered to take the +house for three years at a rent of twelve thousand francs. He promised +to telephone to our villa within the hour. + +He was as good as his word. + +He telephoned to say that the French gentleman, who had unexpectedly +returned from Bordeaux, had just submitted an offer of fourteen +thousand francs. He added that, unless we were prepared to offer a +higher rent, it would be his duty to accept that proposal. + +After a moment's thought, I told him to do his duty and bade him adieu. + + * * * * * + +That night was so beautiful that we had the cars open. + +As we approached the Casino-- + +"Let's just go up the Boulevard," said Daphne. "This is too lovely to +leave." + +I slowed up, waited for Jonah to come alongside, and then communicated +our intention to continue to take the air. + +The Boulevard being deserted, Ping and Pong proceeded slowly abreast.... + +A sunset which had hung the sky with rose, painted the mountain-tops +and turned the West into a blazing smeltery of dreams, had slowly +yielded to a night starlit, velvety, breathless, big with the gentle +witchcraft of an amber moon. Nature went masked. The depths upon our +left seemed bottomless; a grey flash spoke of the Gave de Pau: beyond, +the random rise and fall of a high ridge argued the summit of a +gigantic screen--the foothills to wit, odd twinkling points of yellow +light, seemingly pendent in the air, marking the farms and villas +planted about their flanks. And that is all. A row of poplars, +certainly, very correct, very slight, very elegant, by the way that we +take for Lourdes--the row of poplars should be recorded; the luminous +stars also, and a sweet white glow in the heaven, just where the ridge +of the foothills cuts it across--a trick of the moonlight, no doubt.... +Sirs, it is no such trick. That misty radiance is the driven snow +resting upon the peaks of the Pyrenees. The moon is shining full on +them, and, forty miles distant though they are, you see them rendering +her light, as will a looking-glass, and by that humble office clothing +themselves with unimaginable splendour. + +As we stole into the Place Royale-- + +"Every minute," announced Adèle, "I'm more and more thankful that we're +quit of the Villa Buichi. We should have been simply mad to have taken +a house in the town." + +"There you are," said Berry. "My very words. Over and over again I +insisted----" + +"If you mean," said Jonah, "that throughout the argument you confined +yourself to destructive criticism, deliberate confusion of the issues, +and the recommendation of solutions which you knew to be impracticable, +I entirely agree." + +"The trouble with you," said Berry, "is that you don't appreciate the +value of controversy. I don't blame you. Considering the backlash in +your spinal cord, I think you talk very well. It's only when----" + +"What exactly," said Adèle, bubbling, "is the value of controversy?" + +"Its unique ability," said Berry, "to produce the truth. The hotter +the furnace of argument, the harder the facts which eventually emerge. +That's why I never spare myself. I don't pretend it's easy, but then +I'm like that. Somebody offers you a drink. The easiest way is to +refuse. But I don't. I always ask myself whether my health demands +it." + +There was an outraged silence. + +Then-- + +"I have noticed," I observed, "that upon such occasions your brain +works very fast. Also that you invariably choose the--er--harder path." + +"Nothing is easier," said Berry, "than to deride infirmity." Having +compassed the Place Royale, we returned to the Boulevard. "And now, if +you've quite finished maundering over the beauties of a landscape which +you can't see, supposing we focussed on the object with which we set +out. I've thought out a new step, I want to show you. It's called +'The Slip Stitch.' Every third beat you stagger and cross your legs +above the knee. That shows you've been twice to the Crusades. Then +you purl two and cast four off. If you're still together, you get up +and repeat to the end of the row knitways, decreasing once at every +turn. Then you cast off very loosely." + +Happily the speaker was in the other car, so we broke away and fled up +the Rue du Lycée.... + +The dancing-room was crowded. Every English visitor seemed to be +there, but they were not all dancing, and the floor was just pleasantly +full. + +As we came in, I touched Adèle on the arm. + +"Will you dance with me, lass?" + +I was not one moment too soon. + +As I spoke, two gallants arrived to lodge their claims. + +"I've accepted my husband," said Adèle, smiling. + +She had to promise the next and the one after. + +Whilst we were dancing, she promised the fourth and the fifth. + +"I can see," said I, "that I'm in for my usual evening. Of course, +we're too highly civilised. I feed you, I lodge you, I clothe you"--I +held her off and looked at her--"yes, with outstanding success. You've +a glorious colour, your eyes are like stars, and your frock is a +marvel. In fact, you're almost too good to be true. From your +wonderful, sweet-smelling hair to the soles of your little pink feet, +you're an exquisite production. Whoever did see such a mouth? I +suppose you know I married you for your mouth? And your throat? +And--but I digress. As I was saying, all this is due to me. If I fed +you exclusively on farinaceous food, you'd look pale. If I locked you +out of nights, you'd look tired. If I didn't clothe you, you'd +look--well, you wouldn't be here, would you? I mean, I know we move +pretty fast nowadays, but certain conventions are still observed. Very +well, then. I am responsible for your glory. I bring you here, and +everybody in the room dances with you, except myself. To complete the +comedy, I have only to remind you that I love dancing, and that you are +the best dancer in the room. I ask you." + +"That's just what you don't do," said Adèle, with a maddening smile. +"If you did...." + +"But----" + +"Certain conventions," said Adèle, "are still observed. Have I ever +refused you?" + +"You couldn't. That's why I don't ask you." + +"O-o-oh, I don't believe you," said Adèle. "If it was Leap Year----" + +"Pretend it is." + +"--and I wanted to dance with you----" + +"Pretend you do." + +The music stopped with a crash, and a moment later a Frenchman was +bowing over my wife's hand. + +"May I come for a dance later?" he asked. + +"Not this evening. I've promised the next four----" + +"There will, I trust, be a fifth?" + +"--and, after that, I've given my husband the lot. You do understand, +don't you? You see, I must keep in with him. He feeds me and lodges +me and clothes me and----" + +The Frenchman bowed. + +"If he has clothed you to-night, Madame, I can forgive him anything." + +We passed to a table at which Berry was superintending the icing of +some champagne. + +"Ah, there you are!" he exclaimed. "Had your evening dance? Good. I +ordered this little hopeful _pour passer le temps_. They've two more +baubles in the offing, and sharp at one-thirty we start on fried eggs +and beer. Judging from the contracts into which my wife has entered +during the last six minutes, we shall be here till three." Here he +produced and prepared to inflate an air-cushion. "The great wheeze +about these shock-absorbers is not to----" + +There was a horrified cry from Daphne and a shriek of laughter from +Adèle and Jill. + +"I implore you," said my sister, "to put that thing away." + +"What thing?" said her husband, applying the nozzle to his lips. + +"That cushion thing. How could you----" + +"What! Scrap my blow-me-tight?" said Berry. "Darling, you rave. +You're going to spend the next four hours afloat upon your beautiful +toes, with a large spade-shaped hand supporting the small of your back. +I'm not. I'm going to maintain a sitting posture, with one of the +'nests for rest' provided by a malignant Casino directly intervening +between the base of my trunk and the floor. Now, I know that +intervention. It's of the harsh, unyielding type. Hence this +air-pocket." + +With that, he stepped on to the floor, raised the air-cushion as if it +were an instrument of music, and, adopting the attitude and manners of +a cornet soloist, exhaled into the nozzle with all his might. + +There was a roar of laughter. + +Then, mercifully, the band started, and the embarrassing attention of +about sixty pairs of eyes was diverted accordingly. + +A moment later my brother-in-law and I had the table to ourselves. + +"And now," said Berry, "forward with that bauble. The Rump Parliament +is off." + +Perhaps, because it was a warm evening, the Casino's furnaces were in +full blast. After a while the heat became oppressive. Presently I +left Berry to the champagne and went for a stroll in the Palmarium. + +As I was completing my second lap-- + +"Captain Pleydell," said a dignified voice. + +I turned to see Mrs. Waterbrook, leaning upon a stick, accompanied by a +remarkably pretty young lady with her hair down her back. + +I came to them swiftly. + +"Have you met with an accident?" I inquired. + +"I have. I've ricked my ankle. Susan, this is Captain Pleydell, whose +cousin is going to marry Piers. Captain Pleydell, this is Susan--my +only niece. Now I'm going to sit down." I escorted her to a chair. +"That's better. Captain Pleydell, have you seen the Château?" + +"Often," said I. "A large grey building with a red keep, close to the +scent-shop." + +"One to you," said Mrs. Waterbrook. "Now I'll begin again. Captain +Pleydell, have you seen the inside of the Château?" + +"I have not." + +"Then you ought," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "to be ashamed of yourself. +You've been six months in Pau, and you've never taken the trouble to go +and look at one of the finest collections of tapestries in the world. +What are you doing to-morrow morning?" + +"Going to see the inside of the Château," I said. + +"Good. So's Susan. She'll meet you at the gate on the Boulevard at +half-past ten. She only arrived yesterday, and now her mother wants +her, and she's got to go back. She's wild to see the Château before +she goes, and I can't take her because of this silly foot." + +"I'm awfully sorry," said I. "But it's an ill wind, etc." + +"Susan," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "that's a compliment. Is it your first?" + +"No," said Susan. "But it's the slickest." + +"The what?" cried her aunt. + +"I mean, I didn't see it coming." + +I began to like Susan. + +"'Slickest,'" snorted Mrs. Waterbrook. "Nasty vulgar slang. If you +were going to be here longer, Captain Pleydell's wife should give you +lessons in English. She isn't a teacher, you know. She's an +American--with a silver tongue. And there's that wretched bell." She +rose to her feet. "If I'd remembered that Manon had more than three +acts, I wouldn't have come." She turned to me. "Is Jill here +to-night?" + +"She is." + +"Will you tell her to come and find us in the next interval?" + +"I will." + +"Good. Half-past ten to-morrow. Good night." + +On the way to the doors of the theatre she stopped to speak with +someone, and Susan came running back. + +"Captain Pleydell, is your wife here?" + +I nodded. + +"Well, then, when Jill's with Aunt Eleanor, d'you think I could--I +mean, if you wouldn't mind, I'd--I'd love a lesson in English." + +I began to like Susan more than ever. + +"I'll see if she's got a spare hour to-morrow," I said. "At half-past +ten." + +Susan knitted her brows. + +"No, don't upset that," she said quickly. "It doesn't matter. I want +to be able to tell them I had you alone. But if I could say I'd met +your wife, too, it'd be simply golden." + +As soon as I could speak-- + +"You wicked, forward child," I said. "You----" + +"Toodle-oo," said Susan. "Don't be late." + +Somewhat dazedly I turned in the direction of the _salle de danse_--so +dazedly, in fact, that I collided with a young Frenchman who was +watching the progress of _le jeu de boule_. This was hardly +exhilarating. Of the seven beings gathered about the table, six were +croupiers and the seventh was reading _Le Temps_. + +I collided roughly enough to knock a cigarette out of my victim's hand. + +"Toodle-oo--I mean _pardon, Monsieur. Je vous demande pardon._" + +"It's quite all right," he said, smiling. "I shouldn't have been +standing so far out." + +I drew a case from my pocket. + +"At least," I said, "you'll allow me to replace the cigarette"--he took +one with a laugh--"and to congratulate you upon your beautiful English." + +"Thank you very much. For all that, you knew I was French." + +"In another minute," said I, "I shall be uncertain. And I'm sure you'd +deceive a Frenchman every time." + +"I do frequently. It amuses me to death. Only the other day I had to +produce my passport to a merchant at Lyons before he'd believe I was a +foreigner." + +"A foreigner?" I cried, with bulging eyes. "Then you are English." + +"I'm a pure-bred Spaniard," was the reply. "I tell you, it's most +diverting. Talk about ringing the changes. I had a great time during +the War. I was a perfect mine of information. It wasn't strictly +accurate, but Germany didn't know that. As a double-dyed traitor, they +found me extremely useful. As a desirable neutral, I cut a great deal +of ice. And now I'm loafing. I used to take an interest in the +prevention of crime, but I've grown lazy." + +For a moment or two we stood talking. Then I asked him to come to our +table in the dancing-room. He declined gracefully. + +"I'm Spanish enough to dislike Jazz music," he said. + +We agreed to meet at the Club on the following day, and I rejoined +Berry to tell him what he had missed. + +I found the fifth dance in full swing and my brother-in-law in high +dudgeon. + +As I sat down, he exploded. + +"This blasted breath-bag is a fraud. If you blow it up tight, it's +like trying to sit on a barrel. If you fill it half full, you mustn't +move a muscle, or the imprisoned air keeps shifting all over the place +till one feels sick of one's stomach. In either case it's as hard as +petrified bog-oak. If you only leave an imperial pint in the vessel, +it all goes and gathers in one corner, thus conveying to one the +impression that one is sitting one's self upon a naked chair with a +tennis-ball in one's hip-pocket. If one puts the swine behind one, it +shoves one off the seat altogether. It was during the second phase +that one dropped or let fall one's cigar into one's champagne. One +hadn't thought that anything could have spoiled either, but one was +wrong." + +I did what I could to soothe him, but without avail. + +"I warn you," he continued, "there's worse to come. Misfortunes hunt +in threes. First we fool and are fooled over that rotten villa. Now +this balloon lets me down. You wait." + +I decided that to argue that the failure of the air-cushion could +hardly be reckoned a calamity would be almost as provocative as to +suggest that the immersion of the cigar should rank as the third +disaster, so I moistened the lips and illustrated an indictment of our +present system of education by a report of my encounter with Susan. + +Berry heard me in silence, and then desired me to try the chairs at the +Château, and, if they were favouring repose, to inquire whether the +place would be let furnished. Stifling an inclination to assault him, +I laughed pleasantly and related my meeting with the engaging Spaniard. +When I had finished-- + +"How much did you lend him?" inquired my brother-in-law. "Or is a pal +of his taking care of your watch?" + +The fox-trot came to an end, and I rose to my feet. + +"The average weight," I said, "of the spleen is, I believe, six ounces. +But spleens have been taken weighing twenty pounds." + +"Net or rod?" said Berry. + +"Now you see," I continued, "why you're so heavy on the chairs." + +With that, I sought my wife and led her away to watch the Baccarat.... + +Before we had been in the gaming room for twenty seconds, Adèle caught +me by the arm. + +"D'you see that man over there, Boy? With a bangle on his wrist?" + +"And a shirt behind his diamond? I do." + +"That's one of the men I saw in the Villa Buichi." + +"The devil it is," said I. "Then I take it he's the new lessee. Well, +well. He'll go well with the ballroom, won't he?" + +It was a gross-looking fellow, well-groomed and oily. His fat hands +were manicured and he was overdressed. He gave the impression that +money was no longer an object. As if to corroborate this, he had been +winning heavily. I decided that he was a bookmaker. + +While I was staring, Adèle moved to speak with a friend. + +"And who," said a quiet voice, "is attracting such faithful attention?" + +It was the Spaniard. + +"You see that fat cove?" I whispered. "He did us out of a house +to-day. Overbid us, you know." + +My companion smiled. + +"No worse than that?" he murmured. "You must count yourselves lucky." + +I raised my eyebrows. + +"You know him?" + +The other nodded. + +"Not personally, of course," he said. Then: "I think he's retired now." + +"What was he?" said I. + +"The biggest receiver in France." + + * * * * * + +Ere we retired to rest, my brother-in-law's prophecy that there was +'worse to come' was distressingly fulfilled. + +As the 'evening' advanced, it improved out of all knowledge. The later +the hour, the hotter became the fun. Berry's ill humour fell away. +Adèle and I danced furiously together. Vain things were imagined and +found diverting. Hospitality was dispensed. The two spare 'baubles' +were reinforced.... + +Not until half-past two was the tambourine of gaiety suffered to tumble +in its tracks. + +We climbed into the cars flushed and hilarious.... + +Late though we were, whenever we had been dancing there was one member +of the household who always looked for our return and met us upon our +threshold. + +Nobby. + +However silently the cars stole up the drive, by the time the door was +opened, always the Sealyham was on parade, his small feet together, his +tail up, his rough little head upon one side, waiting to greet us with +an explosion of delight. In his bright eyes the rite was never stale, +never laborious. It was the way of his heart. + +Naturally enough, we came to look for his welcome. Had we looked in +vain some night, we should have been concerned.... + +We were concerned this night. + +We opened the door to find the hall empty. + +Nobby was not upon parade. + +Tired as we were, we searched the whole house. Presently I found a +note upon my pyjamas. + + +_SIR,_ + +_Must tell you we cannot find Nobby, the chauffeur and me looking +everywhere and Fitch as been out in Pau all evening in quest. Hoping +his whereabouts is perhaps known to you,_ + + _Yours respectfully, + J. FALCON._ + + +I was at the Villa Buichi the following morning by a quarter to ten. + +It seemed just possible that the terrier was there a captive. That he +was with us before we visited the house we well remembered. Whether he +had entered with us and, if so, left when we did, we could not be sure. +We had had much to think about.... + +The caretaker took an unconscionable time to answer the bell, and when +I had stated my business, stoutly refused to let me search the villa +without an order. My offer of money was offensively refused. I had to +content myself with standing within the hall and whistling as loud as I +could. No bark replied, but I was not satisfied, and determined to +seek the agent and obtain a permit, the moment that Susan and I had +'done' the Château. + +It was in some irritation that I made my way to the Boulevard. I had +no desire to see the inside of the Château then or at any time; I +particularly wished to prosecute my search for the Sealyham without +delay. I had had less than four hours' sleep, and was feeling rotten. + +In a smart white coat and skirt and a white felt hat over one eye, +Susan looked most attractive. Her fresh, pretty face was glowing, her +wonderful golden hair was full of lights, and the line of her slim +figure, as--hands thrust deep into her coat-pockets--she leaned her +small back against the balustrade, was more than dainty. Her little +feet and ankles were those of a thoroughbred. + +As I descended from the car-- + +"I say," said Susan, "I've got a stone in my shoe. Where can I get it +out?" + +I eyed her severely. + +"You will have a lot to tell them," I said, "won't you? Go on. Get +into the car." + +She climbed in, sat down and leaned back luxuriously. Then she thrust +out a foot with the air of a queen.... + +When I had replaced her shoe, she thanked me with a shy smile. Then-- + +"I say," she said suddenly, "don't let's go to the Château. I don't +want to see the rotten place. Let's go for a drive instead--somewhere +where you can let her out. And on the way back you can take me to get +some gloves." + +"Susan," said I, "there's nothing doing. I know a drive in a +high-powered car sounds a good deal more _chic_ than being shown round +a Château, but you can't have everything. Orders is orders. Besides, +I've lost my dog, and I want to get a move on. But for that, you +should have done the Château and had your drive into the bargain. As +it is...." + +Susan is a good girl. + +The moment she heard of my trouble, she was out of the car and haling +me up to the Château as if there was a mob at our heels.... + +I was not in the mood for sightseeing, but my annoyance went down +before the tapestries as wheat before the storm. + +Standing before those aged exquisites--those glorious embodiments of +patience infinite, imagination high, and matchless craftsmanship, I +forgot everything. The style of them was superb. They had quality. +About them was nothing mean. They were so rich, so mellow, so +delicate. There was a softness to the lovely tones no brush could ever +compass. Miracles of detail, marvels of stately effect, the panels +were breathing the spirit of their age. Looking upon them, I stepped +into another world. I heard the shouts of the huntsmen and the +laughter of the handmaidens, I smelled the sweat of the chargers and +the sweet scent of the grapes, I felt the cool touch of the shade upon +my cheeks. Always the shouts were distant, the scent faint, the +laughter low. I wandered up faery glades, loitered in lazy markets, +listened to the music of fountains, sat before ample boards, bowed over +lily-white hands.... + +Here, then, was magic. Things other than silk went to the weaving of +so potent a spell. The laborious needle put in the dainty threads: the +hearts of those that plied it put in most precious memories--treasures +of love and laughter ... the swift brush of lips ... the echo of a call +in the forest ... a patch of sunlight upon the slope of a hill ... such +stuff, indeed, as dreams are made on.... + +And there is the bare truth, gentlemen, just as I have stumbled upon +it. The tapestries of Pau are dreams--which you may go and share any +day except Sundays. + +We had almost finished our tour of the apartments, and were standing in +the Bedroom of Jeanne d'Albret, staring at a beautiful Gobelin, when I +heard the "flop" of something alighting upon the floor. + +With one consent, the keeper, Susan, and I swung on our heels. + +Advancing stiffly towards us and wagging his scrap of a tail was a +small grey-brown dog. His coat was plastered with filth, upon one of +his ears was a blotch of dried blood, his muzzle and paws might have +been steeped in liquid soot. He stank abominably. + +I put up a hand to my head. + +"Nobby?" I cried, peering. And then again, "_Nobby?_" + +The urchin crept to my feet, put his small dirty head on one side, +lowered it to the ground, and then rolled over upon his back. With his +legs in the air, he regarded me fixedly, tentatively wagging his tail. + +Dazedly I stooped and patted the mud upon his stomach.... + +The bright eyes flashed. Then, with a squirm, the Sealyham was on his +feet and leaping to lick my face. + +"B-b-but," shrieked Susan, shaking me by the arm, "is this the--the dog +you'd lost?" + +"Yes," I shouted, "it is!" + +Not until then did the custodian of the apartments find his tongue. + +"It is your dog, then!" he raved. "He has marched with us all the +time, and I have not seen him. Without an attachment in all these +noble rooms! _Mon Dieu!_ dogs may not enter even the grounds, but he +must junket in the Château, all vile as he is and smelling like twenty +goats." + +"Listen," said I. "It's my dog all right, but I never brought him. +I've been looking all over Pau. What on earth----" + +"But you must have brought him. It is evident. Myself I have shut all +the doors. No one has the keys except me. It is impossible." + +I pointed to the carved bedstead. + +"See for yourself," said I. "He's just jumped down." + +The keeper ran to the bed and peered behind the gorgeous parapet. Then +he let out a scream of agony. + +"Ah, it is true. Ten thousand devils! That so beastly a dog should +have soiled Jeanne d'Albret's bed! Observe the nest he has made in her +counterpane. _Mon Dieu!_ it is scandalous. _Monsieur_, you will +answer for this." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," said I. "But, unless you keep your +mouth shut, you will. You shouldn't have let him get in." + +I thought the fellow would have choked. + +"But it was not I that---- A-a-ah!" he screamed. "See how he +approaches the Queen's screen, to destroy it as he has destroyed her +bed." + +"Nonsense," I said shortly. "He's very struck with the furniture. +That's all. Anybody would be. But how the deuce...." + +With tears in his eyes the keeper besought me to remove my dog +forthwith. + +In the circumstances, it seemed best to comply, so, wishing very much +that Nobby could speak for himself, I tied my handkerchief to his +collar and, with Susan chattering excitedly and clinging to my arm, +followed our gibbering guide to the foot of the great staircase. + +"He must have followed him in," cried Susan. "He simply must. I +looked at the chimney, but it's stopped up, and the man says there's no +other door. And you know he unlocked each one as we came to it this +morning." + +"But why's he so filthy?" I said. "And how did he fetch up here? +Let's see. He must have come with us as far as Bouzom's. That's only +five minutes from here. Then we forgot all about him and left him +outside. We were there for ages. I suppose he got fed up with waiting +or found a pal or something, and drifted down here. All the same...." +I turned to the custodian and took out a fifty-franc note. "He doesn't +usually pay so much for a room, but, as this isn't a hotel and he had +Jeanne d'Albret's bed...." + +The money passed in silence. + +I fancy the keeper dared not trust himself to speak. + +After all, I was very thankful that Nobby was found. + +As we passed out of the gate, a sudden thought came to me, and I turned +back. + +"I say," I cried, "when last did you visit that room?" + +"The Queen's room, _Monsieur_?" + +I nodded. + +"Yesterday morning, Monsieur. At nine o'clock." + +You could have knocked me down. + +I walked towards the car like a man in a dream. + +The business smacked of a conjuring trick. + +Having lost the terrier in the town, I had been sent to view the +Château against my will, there to discover my missing chattel in a +locked chamber upon the second floor. + +To add to the confusion of my wits, Susan was talking furiously. + +"...I've read of such things. You know. In case of a revolution, for +the king to escape. They say there's one at Buckingham Palace." + +"One what?" said I abstractedly. + +"Underground passage," said Susan. "Leading out into the open. The +one from Buckingham Palace goes into a house, I suppose it was country +once, and then the ground was built over, or, of course, it might +always have led into the house, and they just had loyal people living +there or someone from the Court, so that----" + +"Heaven and earth!" I roared. "The Villa Buichi." + +Susan recoiled with a cry. + +I caught her white arm. + +"Susan," I yelled, "you've got it in one! The last time we saw him was +there. It's a house we saw yesterday. We thought of taking it, but, +as soon as he saw us coming, another chap got in quick." + +"What a shame!" said Susan. "If only you'd had it, you'd 've been able +to go and look at the tapestries whenever you---- Oh, whatever's the +matter?" + +I suppose my eyes were blazing. I know my brain was. + +The murder was out. + +"I must see my friend, the Spaniard," I said. "He's made a mistake. +_The biggest receiver in France has not retired_." + +Susan stared at me with big eyes. + +With a smile, I flung open its door and waved her into the car.... + +I followed her in. + +Then I put my arm round her waist and kissed her pink cheek. + +"Now," said I, "you _will_ have something to tell them." + +Susan gurgled delightedly. + + * * * * * + +The French are nothing if not artistic. They are also good showmen. + +It was largely due to the interest of Señor Don Fedriani that, five +days later, I had the privilege of sitting for fifty minutes upon an +extremely uncomfortable chair in the Oratory of Jeanne d'Albret, and +listening at intervals, by means of a delicate instrument, to the +biggest receiver in France and his confederates stumbling still more +uncomfortably along a dank and noisome passage towards penal servitude +for life. + +Had he known that the Villa Buichi was surrounded, that the caretaker +was already in custody, that a file of soldiers was following a quarter +of a mile in his rear, and that the van which was to take him to prison +was waiting in the Château's courtyard, my gentleman, who had 'lived +soft,' could not have been more outspoken about the condition of his +path. + +Not until he had quite finished and had inquired in a blasphemous +whisper if all were present, was the strip of magnesium ignited and the +photograph made.... + +I have a copy before me. + +The knaves are not looking their best, but the grouping is superb. + +_The Toilet of Venus_ makes a most exquisite background. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +HOW BERRY PUT OFF HIS MANHOOD, AND ADÈLE SHOWED A FAIR PAIR OF HEELS + +But for Susan, I should not have seen the Château, and, but for the +merest accident, we should not have revisited Gavarnie. And that would +have been a great shame. + +It was the day before we were spared this lasting reproach that my +brother-in-law stood stiffly before a pier-glass in his wife's +bed-chamber. Deliberately Berry surveyed himself. + +We stood about him with twitching lips, not daring to trust our tones. + +At length-- + +"But what a dream!" said my brother-in-law. "What an exquisite, +pluperfect dream!" Jill shut her eyes and began to shake with +laughter. "I suppose it was made to be worn, or d'you think someone +did it for a bet? 'A Gentleman of the Court of Louis XIV.' Well, I +suppose a French firm ought to know. Only, if they're right, I don't +wonder there was a revolution. No self-respecting nation could hold up +its head with a lot of wasters shuffling about Versailles with the +seats of their breeches beginning under their hocks. That one sleeve +is three inches shorter than the other and that the coat would +comfortably fit a Boy Scout, I pass over. Those features might be +attributed to the dictates of fashion. But I find it hard to believe +that even in that fantastic age a waistcoat like a loose cover ever +really obtained." + +Adèle sank into a chair and covered her eyes. + +With an effort I mastered my voice. + +"I think, perhaps," I ventured, "if you wore them for an hour or two, +they might--might shake down. You see," I continued hurriedly, "you're +not accustomed----" + +"Brother," said Berry gravely, "you've got it in one. I'm not +accustomed to wearing garments such as these. I confess I feel strange +in them. Most people who are not deformed would. If I hadn't got any +thighs, if my stomach measurement was four times that of my chest, and +I'd only one arm, they'd be just about right. As it is, short of +mutilation----" + +"Can't you brace up the breeches a little higher?" said Daphne. + +"No, I can't," snapped her husband. "As it is, my feet are nearly off +the ground." + +Seated upon the bed, Jonah rolled over upon his side and gave himself +up to a convulsion of silent mirth. + +"The sleeves and the waistcoat," continued my sister, "are nothing. +Adèle and I can easily alter them. What worries me is the breeches." + +"They'd worry you a damned sight more if you had 'em on," said Berry. +"And if you think I'm going to wear this little song-without-words, +even as amended by you and Adèle, you're simply unplaced. To say I +wouldn't be seen dead in it conveys nothing at all." + +"My dear boy," purred Daphne, "be reasonable. It's far too late to get +hold of anything else: it's the ball of the season, and fancy dress is +_de rigueur_. I'm sure if you would only brace up----" + +With an unearthly shriek, Berry collapsed in my arms. + +"Take her away!" he roared. "Take her away before I offer her +violence. Explain my anatomy. Tell her I've got a trunk. Conceal +nothing. Only...." + +Amid the explosion of pent-up laughter, the rest of the sentence was +lost. + +As soon as we could speak coherently, we endeavoured to smooth him down. + +At length-- + +"It's transparently plain," said Jonah, "that that dress is out of the +question." Here he took out his watch. "Let's see. It's now three +o'clock. That gives us just seven hours to conceive and execute some +other confection. It shouldn't be difficult." + +"Now you're talking," said Berry. "I know. I'll go as a mahout. Now, +that's easy. Six feet of butter muslin, four pennyworth of woad, and a +harpoon. And we can lock the elephant's switch and park him in the +rhododendrons." + +"Why," said Jonah, "shouldn't you go as Mr. Sycamore Tight? You're not +unlike him, and the excitement would be intense." + +After a little discussion we turned the suggestion down. + +For all that, it was not without merit. + +Mr. Sycamore Tight was wanted--wanted badly. There was a price upon +his head. Two days after he had landed in France, a large American +bank had discovered good reason to believe that Mr. Tight had +personally depleted its funds to the tune of over a million. + +Daily, for the last four days, the gentleman's photograph had appeared +in every French paper, illustrating a succinct and compelling +advertisement, which included a short summary of his characteristics +and announced the offer of a reward of fifty thousand francs for such +information as should lead to his arrest. + +The French know the value of money. + +If the interest excited at Pau was any criterion, every French soul in +France went about his business with bulging eyes. Indeed, if Mr. +Sycamore Tight were yet in the country, there was little doubt in most +minds that his days were numbered. + +"No," said Berry. "It's very nice to think that I look so much like +the brute, but I doubt if a check suit quite so startling as that he +seems to have affected could be procured in time. Shall I go as +Marat--on his way to the bath-room? With a night-shirt, a flannel, and +a leer, I should be practically there. Oh, and a box of matches to +light the geyser with." + +"I suppose," said Daphne, "you wouldn't go as a clown? Adèle and I +could do that easily. The dress is nothing." + +"Is it, indeed?" said her husband. "Well, that would be simplicity +itself, wouldn't it? A trifle classical, perhaps, but most arresting. +What a scene there'd be when I took off my overcoat. 'Melancholy' +would be almost as artless. I could wear a worried look, and there you +are." + +"Could he go as a friar?" said Jill. "You know. Like a monk, only not +so gloomy. We ought to be able to get a robe easily. And, if we +couldn't get sandals, he could go barefoot." + +"That's right," said Berry. "Don't mind me. You just fix everything +up, and tell me in time to change. Oh, and you might write down a few +crisp blessings. I shall get tired of saying '_Pax vobiscum_' when +anyone kicks my feet." + +"I tell you what," said Adèle. "Would you go as 'a flapper'?" + +"A what?" said my brother-in-law. + +"'A twentieth-century miss,'" said Adèle. "'The golf girl,' if you +like. Daphne and I can fit you out, and you can wear your own shoes. +As for a wig--any _coiffeur_'ll do. A nice fluffy bobbed one would be +best--the same shade as your moustache." + +Instinctively none of us spoke. + +The idea was so admirable--the result would be so triumphant, that we +hardly dared to breathe lest Berry should stamp upon our hopes. + +For one full slow-treading minute he fingered his chin.... + +Then he wrinkled his nose. + +"Not 'The Golf Girl,'" he said. "That's much too pert. I couldn't +deliver the goods. No. I must go as something more luscious. What +about 'The Queen of the May'?" + + * * * * * + +At twenty-five minutes to ten that evening I was writing a note, and +wondering, while I did so, whether the original 'Incroyables' ever sat +down. + +I had just decided that, rather than continually risk dislocation of +the knee, they probably either reclined or leaned against pillars when +fatigued, when something impelled me to glance over my shoulder. + +Framed in the doorway was standing Berry. + +A frock of pale pink georgette, with long bell-shaped sleeves and a +black velvet girdle knotted at one side, fitted him seemingly like a +glove. A large Leghorn hat, its black velvet streamers fastened +beneath his chin, heavily weighted with a full-blown rose over one eye, +threatened to hide his rebellious mop of hair. White silk stockings +and a pair of ordinary pumps completed his attire. A miniature apron, +bearing the stencilled legend 'AN ENGLISH ROSE' upon its muslin, left +no doubt about his identity. + +Beneath my gaze he looked down and simpered, swinging his bead bag +ridiculously. + +I leaned back in my chair and began to laugh like a madman. Then I +remembered my knee-caps, and got up and leaned against the wall, whence +I could see him better. + +As if his appearance alone were not enough, he spoke in an absurd +falsetto. + +"No, I'm not supposed to be out till after Easter. But don't let that +stop you. I mean--you know I do say such dreadful things, and all the +time.... Father always calls me a tom-cat--I mean, tom-boy, but I +don't care. Haven't you any sisters? What not even a 'step'? Oh, but +what luck--I mean, I think we'll sit this one out, shall I? I know a +lovely place--in the inspection pit. I often go and sit there when I +want to have a good fruity drink--I mean, think. I always think it's +so wonderful to look up and see the gear-box, and the differential, and +the dear old engine-shield and feel you're alone with them +all--absolutely alone...." + +The tempestuous arrival of Adèle, looking sweet as "Pierrette," and +Jonah in the traditional garb of "Harlequin," cut short the soliloquy... + +It was ere the two had recovered from their first paroxysm of laughter +that Berry minced to the fireplace and, with the coyest of pecks, rang +the electric bell. + +A moment later Falcon entered the room. + +My brother-in-law laughed and looked down, fingering his dress. + +"Oh, Falcon," he said archly, "about to-morrow. I don't know whether +Mrs. Pleydell's told you, but there'll be four extra to lunch." + +I have seen Falcon's eyes twinkle, and I have seen his mouth +work--times without number. I have seen him thrust a decanter upon the +sideboard and disappear shaking from the apartment. But never before +have I seen his self-control crumple as a ripped balloon. + +For a second he stared at the speaker. + +Then he flung us one desperate, appealing glance, emitted a short wail, +and, looking exactly as if he was about to burst into tears, clapped +both hands to his mouth and made a rush for the door. + +As he reached it, a little Dutch Jill danced into the room, looking +adorable. + +Use holds. + +Falcon straightened his back, stepped to one side, and bowed his +apologies. The temporary check, however, was his undoing. As Jill +flashed by, he turned his face to the wall and sobbed like a child.... + +When Daphne made her appearance, amazingly beautiful as 'Jehane +Saint-Pol,' we climbed into the cars and slipped down the sober drive +into the fragrant dalliance of an April night. + + * * * * * + +The ball was over. + +It would have been a success any way, but from the moment that Berry +had, upon arrival, been directed to the ladies' cloak-room, its +enduring fame had been assured. + +When, with my wife and sister, reluctant and protesting, upon either +arm, he erupted into the ballroom, giggling excitedly and crying "Votes +for Women!" in a shrill treble, even the band broke down, so that the +music died an untimely and tuneless death. When he danced a Tango with +me, wearing throughout an exalted expression of ineffable bliss and +introducing a bewildering variety of unexpected halts, crouchings and +saggings of the knees--when, in the midst of an interval, he came +flying to Daphne, calling her "Mother," insisting that he had been +insulted, demanding to be taken home forthwith, and finally burying his +face in her shoulder and bursting into tears--when, during supper, with +a becoming diffidence, he took his stand upon a chair and said a few +words about his nursing experiences in Mesopotamia and spoke with +emotion of the happy hours he had spent as a Sergeant-Minor of the +Women Police--then it became manifest that my brother-in-law's +construction of the laws of hospitality had set up such a new record of +generosity as few, if any, of those present would ever see broken. + +"... Oh, and the flies, you know. The way they flew. Oh, it was +dreadful. And, of course, no lipstick would stick. My dears, I was +simply terrified to look in the biscuit box. And then we had to wash +in bits--so embarrassing. Talk about divisional reserve.... And they +were so strict with it all. Only ten little minutes late on parade, +and you got it where auntie wore the gew-gaws. I lost my temper once. +To be sworn at like a golf-sphere, just because one day I couldn't find +my _Poudre d'Amour_.... And, when he'd quite finished, the Colonel +asked me what powder was for. I just looked round and gave him some of +his own back. 'To dam your pores with,' I said...." + +It was past three o'clock before our departure was sped. + +Comfortably weary, we reached our own villa's door to make the grisly +discovery that no one had remembered the key.... + +There was no knocker: a feeble electric bell signalled out distress to +a deserted basement: the servants were asleep upon the second floor. + +After we had all reviled Berry and, in return, been denounced as 'a +gang of mut-jawed smoke-stacks,' accused of 'blasphemy' and compared to +'jackals and vultures about a weary bull,' we began to shout and throw +stones at the second-floor windows. Perhaps because their shutters +were closed, our labour was lost. + +To complete our disgust, for some mysterious reason Nobby refused to +bark and so sound the alarm. In the ordinary way the Sealyham was used +to give tongue--whatever the hour and no matter what indignation he +might excite--upon the slightest provocation. This morning we +perambulated the curtilage of the villa, alternately yelling like +demoniacs and mewing like cats, without the slightest result. + +Eventually it was decided that one of us must effect an entrance by +climbing on to the balcony of my sister's room.... + +Jonah had a game leg: the inflexibility of my pantaloons put any +acrobatics out of the question: Berry's action, at any rate, was more +than usually unrestricted. Moreover, it was Berry whom we had expected +to produce the key. + +It became necessary to elaborate these simple facts, and to indicate +most definitely the moral which they were pointing, before my +brother-in-law was able to grasp the one or to appreciate the other. +And when it had been, as they say, borne in upon him that he was for +the high jump, another ten minutes were wasted while he made one final, +frantic, solitary endeavour to attract the servants' attention. His +feminine personality discarded, he raved about the house, barking, +screeching and braying to beat the band; he thundered upon the door +with his fists; he flung much of the drive in the direction of the +second floor. Finally, when we were weak with laughter, he sat down +upon the steps, expressed his great satisfaction at the reception of +his efforts to amuse, and assured us that his death-agony, which we +should shortly witness, would be still more diverting. + +By now it was a quarter to four, and, so soon as Jonah and I could +control our emotion, we took our deliverer by the arms and showed him +'the best way up.' + +He listened attentively. + +At length-- + +"Thanks very much," he said weakly. "Let's just go over it again, +shall I? Just to be sure I've got it cold. First, I swarm up that +pillar. Good. I may say I never have swarmed. I never knew anybody +did swarm, except bees or people coming out of a football match. Never +mind. Then I get hold of the gutter and draw myself up with my hands, +while continuing to swarm with my legs. If--if the gutter will stand +my weight.... Of course, that's easily ascertained. I just try it. +If it will, it does. If it won't, I should like a penny-in-the-slot +machine erected in my memory outside the English Club. Yes, I've got +that. Well, if it will, I work--I think you said 'work'--round until I +can reach the down-pipe. The drain--down-pipe will enable me to get my +feet into the gutter. Sounds all right, doesn't it? 'The drain-pipe +will enable.' A cryptic phrase. Quite the Brigade-Office touch. +Where were we? Oh, yes. The drain-pipe having enabled me, etc., I +just fall forward on to the tiles, when my hands will encounter and +grasp the balustrade. Then I climb over and pat Nobby. Yes, except +for the cesspool--I mean the drain-pipe--interlude, it's too easy." + +We helped him off with his coat.... + +We watched his reduction of the pillar with trembling lips; we heard +his commentary upon gutters and those who make them with shaking +shoulders; but it was when, with one foot in the air and the other +wedged behind the down-pipe, the English Rose spoke of the uncertainty +of life and inquired if we believed in Hell--when, after an exhausting +and finally successful effort to get his left knee into the gutter, he +first knelt upon a spare tile to his wounding and then found that his +right foot was inextricably wedged between the down-pipe and the +wall--when, as a result of his struggles, a section of the down-pipe +came away in his hand, so that he was left clinging to the gutter with +one foot in the air and twelve feet of piping swaying in his arms--then +our control gave way and we let ourselves run before a tempest of +Homeric laughter. We clasped one another; we leaned against walls; we +stamped upon the ground; we fought for breath; tears streamed from our +eyes. All the time, in a loud militant voice, Berry spoke of building +and architects and mountain goats, of France and of the French, of +incitement to suicide, of inquests and the law, of skunks and leprosy, +and finally of his descent.... + +When we told him tearfully to drop, he let out the laugh of a maniac. + +"Yes," he said uncertainly. "To tell you hell-hounds the truth, that +solution had already occurred to me. It's been occurring to me vividly +ever since I began. But I'm against it. It isn't that I'm afraid, but +I want something more difficult. Oh, and don't say, 'Work round the +gutter,' first, because it's bad English, and, secondly, because no man +born of woman could 'work round' this razor-edged conduit with a +hundredweight of drain-pipe round his neck. What I want is a definite +instruction which is neither murderous nor futile. Burn it, you handed +me enough slush when I was rising. Why the hell can't you slobber out +something to help me down?" + +By the time his descent was accomplished, it was past four +o'clock--summer time--and there was a pale cast about the sweet +moonlight that told of the coming of another dawn. + +"I say," said Jill suddenly, "don't let's go to bed." + +"No, don't let's," said Berry, with a hysterical laugh. "Let's--let's +absolutely refuse." + +Jill went on breathlessly-- + +"Let's go for a run towards Lourdes and see the sun rise over the +mountains." + +Our first impulse was to denounce the idea. Upon examination, however, +its hidden value emerged. + +We were sick and tired of trying to wake the servants; to effect an +entrance was seemingly out of the question; to spend another two hours +wandering about the garden or wooing slumber in the cars was not at all +to our liking. + +Finally, we decided that, since we should be back before the world +proper was astir, our appearance, if it was noticed at all, would but +afford a few peasants an experience which they could relate with relish +for many years, and that, since the sky was cloudless, so convenient an +occasion of observing a very famous effect should not be rejected. + +Five minutes later Ping and Pong slid silently under the Pont Oscar II. +and so down a winding hill, out of the sleeping town and on to the +Bizanos road. + +Our headlights were powerful, the road was not too bad, and the world +was empty... + +I let Jonah, who was leading, get well away, and then gave the car her +head. + +Well as we knew it, our way seemed unfamiliar. + +We saw the countryside as through a glass darkly. A shadowy file of +poplars, a grey promise of meadowland, a sable thicket, far in the +distance a great blurred mass rearing a sombre head, a chain of silent +villages seemingly twined about our road, and once in a long while the +broad, brave flash of laughing water--these and their ghostly like made +up our changing neighbourhood. Then came a link in the chain that even +Wizard Night could not transfigure--sweet, storied Coarraze, fencing +our way with its peculiar pride of church and state; three miles ahead, +hoary Bétharram, defender of the faith, lent us its famous bridge--at +the toll of a break-neck turn, of which no manner of moonshine can +cheat the memory. + +We were nearing Lourdes now, but there was no sign of Jonah. I began +to wonder whether my cousin was faring farther afield.... + +It was so. + +Lourdes is a gate-house of the Pyrenees; it was clear that my sister +and cousins had threaded its echoing porch. Their way was good enough +for us. We swung to the right, dived into and out of the sleeping +town, and flung up the pale, thin road that heads for Spain.... + +It was when we had slipped through Argelès, and Jonah was still before +us, that we knew that if we would catch him we must climb to Gavarnie. + +The daylight was waxing now, and when we came to Pierrefitte I switched +off the lights. + +There is a gorge in the mountains some seven miles long. It is, I +think, Nature's boudoir. Its tall, steep walls are hung with +foliage--a trembling, precious arras, which spring will so emblazon +with her spruce heraldry that every blowing rod breathes a refreshing +madrigal. Its floor is a busy torrent--fretting its everlasting way by +wet, grey rocks, the vivid green of ferns, and now and again a little +patch of greensward--a tender lawn for baby elves to play on. Here is +a green shelf, ladies, stuck all with cowslips; and there, +another--radiant with peering daffodils. In this recess sweet violets +grow. Look at that royal gallery; it is fraught with crocuses--laden +with purple and gold. Gentians and buttercups, too, have their own +nurseries. But one thing more--this gorge is full of fountains. They +are its especial glory. All the beauty in the world of falling water +is here exhibited. Tremendous falls go thundering: long, slender +tresses of water plunge from a dizzy height, lose by the way their +symmetry, presently vanish into sparkling smoke; cascades, with a +delicate flourish, leap from ledge to ledge; stout heads of crystal +well bubbling out of Earth; elegant springs flash musically into their +brimming basins of the living rock. The mistress of this shining court +is very beautiful. A bank is overhanging a little bow-shaped dell, as +the eaves of an old house lean out to shelter half a pavement. As +eaves, too, are thatched, so the brown bank is clad with emerald moss. +From the edge of the moss dangles a silver fringe. Each gleaming, +twisted cord of it hangs separate and distinct, save when a breath of +wind plaits two or three into a transient tassel. The fringe is the +waterfall. + +Enchanted with such a fairyland, we lingered so long over our passage +that we only reached Gavarnie with a handful of moments to spare. + +As we had expected, here were the others, a little apart from the car, +their eyes lifted to the ethereal terraces of the majestic Cirque. + +The East was afire with splendour. All the blue dome of sky was +blushing. Only the Earth was dull. + +Suddenly the topmost turret of the frozen battlements burst into rosy +flame.... + +One by tremendous one we saw the high places of the world suffer their +King's salute. Little wonder that, witnessing so sublime a ceremony, +we forgot all Time.... + +The sudden clack of shutters flung back against a wall brought us to +earth with a jar. + +We turned in the direction of the noise. + +From the window of a cottage some seventy paces away a woman was +regarding us steadily.... + +We re-entered the cars with more precipitation than dignity. + +A glance at the clock in the dashboard made my heart sink. + +A quarter past six--summer time. + +It was clear that Gavarnie was lazy. Argelès, Lourdes, and the rest +must be already bustling. Long ere we could reach Pau, the business of +town and country would be in full swing.... + +The same reflection, I imagine, had bitten Jonah, for, as I let in the +clutch, Ping swept past us and whipped into the village with a low +snarl. + +Fast as we went, we never saw him again that memorable morning. Jonah +must have gone like the wind. + +As for us, we wasted no time. + +We leapt through the village, dropped down the curling pass, snarled +through Saint-Sauveur, left Luz staring, and sailed into Argelès as it +was striking seven. + +From Argelès to Lourdes is over eight miles. It was when we had +covered exactly four of these in six minutes that the engine stuttered, +sighed, and then just fainted away. + +We had run out of petrol. + +This was annoying, but not a serious matter, for there was a can on the +step. The two gallons it was containing would easily bring us to Pau. + +What was much more annoying and of considerable moment was that the +can, when examined, proved to be dry as a bone. + +After a moment's consideration of the unsavoury prospect, so suddenly +unveiled, I straightened my back, pushed my ridiculous hat to the nape +of my neck, and took out a cigarette-case. + +Adèle and Berry stared. + +"That's right," said the latter bitterly. "Take your blinking time. +Why don't you sit down on the bank and put your feet up?" + +I felt for a match. + +Finger to lip, Adèle leaned forward. + +"For Heaven's sake," she cried, "don't say there's none in the can!" + +"My darling," said I, "you've spoken the naked truth." + +There was a long silence. The gush of a neighbouring spring was +suggesting a simple peace we could not share. + +Suddenly-- + +"Help!" shrieked the English Rose. "Help! I'm being compromised." + +So soon as we could induce him to hold his tongue, a council was held. + +Presently it was decided that I must return to Argelès, if possible, +procure a car, and bring some petrol back as fast as I could. Already +the day was growing extremely hot, and, unless I encountered a driver +who would give me a lift, it seemed unlikely that I should be back +within an hour and a half. + +We had, of course, no hope of salvation. Help that arrived now would +be too late. Lourdes would be teeming. The trivial round of Pau would +be in full blast. The possible passage of another car would spare +us--me particularly--some ignominy, but that was all. + +It was arranged that, should a car appear after I had passed out of +sight, the driver should be accosted, haply deprived of petrol, and +certainly dispatched in my pursuit. + +Finally we closed Pong, and, feeling extremely self-conscious and +unpleasantly hot, I buttoned my overcoat about me and set out for +Argelès. + +The memory of that walk will stay with me till I die. + +If, a few hours before, I had been satisfied that 'Incroyables' seldom +sat down, I was soon in possession of most convincing evidence that, +come what might, they never did more than stroll. The pantaloons, +indeed, curtailed every pace I took. It also became painfully obvious +that their 'foot-joy' was intended for use only upon tiled pavements or +parquet, and since the surface of the road to Argelès was bearing a +closer resemblance to the bed of a torrent, I suffered accordingly. +What service their headgear in any conceivable circumstances could have +rendered, I cannot pretend to say. As a protection from the rays of +the sun, it was singularly futile.... + +Had I been wearing flannels, I should have been sweltering in a quarter +of an hour. Dressed as I was, I was streaming with honest sweat in +less than five minutes.... Before I had covered half a mile I tore off +my overcoat and flung it behind a wall. + +My reception at the first hamlet I reached was hardly promising. + +The honour of appreciating my presence before anyone else fell to a +pair of bullocks attached to a wain piled high with wood and proceeding +slowly in the direction of Lourdes. + +Had they perceived an apparition shaking a bloody goad, they could not +have acted with more concerted or devastating rapidity. + +In the twinkling of an eye they had made a complete _volte-face_, the +waggon was lying on its side across the fairway, and its burden of logs +had been distributed with a dull crash upon about a square perch of +cobbles. + +Had I announced my coming by tuck of drum, I could not have attracted +more instant and faithful attention. + +Before the explosion of agony with which the driver--till then walking, +as usual, some thirty paces in rear--had greeted the catastrophe, had +turned into a roaring torrent of abuse, every man, woman, and child +within earshot came clattering upon the scene. + +For a moment, standing to one side beneath the shelter of a flight of +steps, I escaped notice. It was at least appropriate that the luckless +waggoner should have been the first to perceive me.... + +At the actual moment of observation he was at once indicating the +disposition of his wood with a gesture charged with the savage despair +of a barbaric age and letting out a screech which threatened to curdle +the blood. + +The gesture collapsed. The screech died on his lips. + +With dropped jaw and bulging eyes, the fellow backed to the wall.... +When I stepped forward, he put the waggon between us. + +I never remember so poignant a silence. + +Beneath the merciless scrutiny of those forty pairs of eyes I seemed to +touch the very bottom of abashment. + +Then I lifted my ridiculous hat and cleared my throat. + +"Good day," I said cheerfully, speaking in French. "I'm on my way back +from a ball--a fancy-dress ball--and my car has run out of petrol. I +want to hire a cart to go to Argelès." + +If I had said I wanted to hire a steam-yacht, my simple statement could +not have been more apathetically received.... + +Happily, for some unobvious reason, no one seemed to associate me with +the bullocks' waywardness, but it took me ten minutes' cajolery to +elicit the address of a peasant who might hire me a cart. + +At last I was told his lodging and pointed the way. + +Such direction proved supererogatory, first, because we all moved off +together, and, secondly, because it subsequently transpired that the +gentleman whom I was seeking was already present. But that is France. + +Upon arrival at his house my friend stepped out of the ruck and, with +the utmost composure, asked if it was true that I was desiring to be +driven to Argelès. Controlling my indignation, I replied with equal +gravity that such was my urgent ambition. Taking a wrist-watch from my +pocket, I added that upon reaching a garage at Argelès, I would deduct +the time we had taken from half an hour and cheerfully give him a franc +for every minute that was left. + +I can only suppose that so novel a method of payment aroused his +suspicion. + +Be that as it may, with an apologetic bow, the fellow requested to see +the colour of my money. + +Then and then only did I remember that I had not a brass farthing upon +my person. + +What was worse, I felt pretty sure that Adèle and Berry were equally +penniless... + +My exit from that village I try to forget. + +I found that the waters of humiliation were deeper than I could have +believed. They seemed, in fact, bottomless. + +It is, perhaps, unnecessary to say that I returned by the way I had +come. I had had enough of the road to Argelès. My one idea was to +rejoin Adèle and Berry and to sit down in the car. Mentally and +physically I was weary to death. I craved to set my back against the +buttress of company in this misfortune, and I was mad to sit down. +Compared with standing any longer upon my feet, the contingency of +dislocation became positively attractive.... + +The first thing that met my eyes, as I limped round the last of the +bends, was the bonnet of a dilapidated touring car. + +I could have thrown up my rotten hat. + +A few feet further from Lourdes than Pong himself was an aged grey +French car. Standing in the white road between the two was a strapping +figure in pale pink georgette and a large Leghorn hat, apparently +arguing with three blue-covered mechanics. From Pong's off-side window +the conical hat and extravagant ruff of 'Pierrette' were protruding +excitedly. + +My companions' relief to see me again was unfeigned. + +As I came up, Adèle gave a whimper of delight, and a moment later she +was pouring her tale into my ears. + +"You hadn't been gone long when these people came by. We stopped them, +of course, and----" + +"One moment," said I. "Have they got any petrol?" + +"Listen," said Berry. "Four _bidons_ of what they had are in our tank. +It was when they were in, that we found we hadn't a bean. That didn't +matter. The gents were perfectly happy to take my address. A pencil +was produced--we had nothing, of course--and I started to write it all +down on the edge of yesterday's _Le Temps_. They all looked over my +shoulder. As I was writing, I _felt_ their manner change. I stopped +and looked round. _The fools were staring at me as if I were risen +from the dead_. That mayn't surprise you, but it did me, because we'd +got through that phase. For a moment we looked at one another. Then +one picked up the paper and took off his hat. 'It is unnecessary,' he +said, 'for _Monsieur_ to give us his name. We know it perfectly.' The +others nodded agreement. I tell you, I thought they'd gone mad...." + +He pushed his hat back from his eyes and sat down on the step. + +"But--but what's the trouble?" I gasped. + +Berry threw out his hands. + +"Haven't you got it?" he said. "_They think I'm Sycamore Tight._" + + * * * * * + +I soon perceived the vanity of argument. + +With my brother-in-law in the hand and fifty thousand francs in the +bush, the three mechanics were inexorable. + +They accepted my statements; they saw my point of view; they uncovered; +they bowed; they laughed when I laughed; they admitted the possibility, +nay, likelihood of a mistake; they deplored the inconvenience we were +suffering. But, politely and firmly, they insisted that Berry should +enter their car and accompany them to Lourdes. + +That this their demand should be met was not to be thought of. + +Adèle and I could not desert Berry; from the police at Lourdes nothing +was to be expected but suspicion, hostility, and maddeningly officious +delays; Berry's eventual release would only be obtained at a cost of +such publicity as made my head swim. + +Any idea of force was out of the question. But for the presence of my +wife, we would have done what we could. With Adèle in our care, +however, we could not afford to fail, and--they were three to two. + +I racked my brain desperately.... + +Presently one of the trio lugged out a watch. When he showed his +fellows the hour, they flung up their arms. A moment later they were +clearing for action. + +_Le Temps_ was carefully folded and stuffed out of sight. Berry was +informed, with a bow, that, so soon as their car was turned round, they +would be ready to leave. The slightest of the three stepped to the +starting-handle... + +The next moment, with a deafening roar, their engine was under way. + +I was standing with my hand upon our off hind wing, and as the driver +ran to his throttle, I felt a steady tremor. + +_Under cover of the other car's roar, Adèle had started Pong's engine_. + +What was a great deal more, _she had given me my cue_. + +I thought like lightning. + +There was not a moment to lose. Already the driver was in his seat and +fumbling with his gear-lever.... + +As slowly as I dared, I strolled to the off-side door. + +Adèle's and my eyes met. + +"When you hear me say, 'Look'," I said. + +With the faintest smile, 'Pierrette' stared through the wind-screen.... + +I returned to the rear of the car. + +The way we were using was narrow, but fifty paces away in the direction +of Argelès was a track which left our road to lead to a farm. For this +spot the driver was making. There he would be able to turn with the +acme of ease. + +His two companions were standing close to Berry. + +As luck would have it, the latter was standing with his back to our +car, perhaps a foot from the tail-lamp. + +Not one of the three, I fancy, had any idea that our engine was running. + +I addressed the mechanics in French. + +"I have been talking with _Madame_, and, tired as she is, she agrees +that it will be best if we follow you to Lourdes. Please don't go too +fast when you get to the town, or we shall lose our way." + +As they assured me of their service, I turned to Berry, as though to +translate what I had said. + +"There are two steps to the dickey. The lower one is two paces to your +right and one to your rear. It is not meant for a seat, but it will +do. Throw your arm round the spare wheels and sit tight." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +A glance up the road showed me the other car being turned into the +track. + +I crossed to the near side of Pong and stooped as though to examine the +exhaust. The two mechanics were watching me.... + +With the tail of my eye I saw Berry glance behind him, sink down upon +the step, drop his head miserably into the crook of his arm, and set +that arm upon the spare wheels. + +Suddenly I straightened my back, glanced past the two warders, and +flung out a pointing arm. + +"_Look!_" I shouted, and stepped on to the running-board. + +As I spoke, Adèle let in the clutch.... + +It was really too easy. + +By the time our two friends had decided to turn and inquire what had +excited my remark, we were ten paces away and gathering speed... + +Of course they ran after us, yelling like men possessed. + +That was but human. + +Then they recovered their wits and raced for their car. + +I cried to Berry to sit tight, and opened the door.... + +"Is he on?" said Adèle, as I took my seat by her side. + +I nodded. + +"As soon as we're far enough on, we must take him inside. He ought to +be safe enough, but I'll bet he's blessing his petticoats. As for you, +sweetheart, I don't know which is the finer--your nerve or your wit." + +A cool hand stole into mine. + +Then-- + +"But we're not there yet," said Adèle. + +This was unhappily true. + +Pong was the faster car, and Adèle was already going the deuce of a +pace. But there was traffic to come, and two level crossings lay +between us and Lourdes. + +I turned and looked out of the glass in the back of the hood. The +English Rose had thrust herself inelegantly on to the petrol tank. Her +right foot was jammed against a wing, so that her shapely leg acted as +a brace: her arms clasped the two spare wheels convulsively: her head +was thrown back, and her lips were moving.... Of our pursuers there +was no sign. That moment we had rounded a bend, but when a moment +later we rounded another they were still out of sight. + +I began to wonder whether it was safe to stop and take Berry inboard.... + +Then the Klaxon belched, and a cry from Adèle made me turn. + +Two hundred yards ahead was a flock of sheep--all over the road. + +We had to slow down to a pace which jabbed at my nerves. + +I did not know what to do. + +I did not know whether to seize the chance and take Berry inside, or +whether to put the obstacle between Pong and the terror behind, and I +felt I must look at the sheep. + +The speedometer dropped to twenty ... to fifteen ... to ten.... + +Then the tires tore at the road, and we practically stopped. + +Adèle changed into second speed. + +I opened the door instantly, only to see that to collect Berry now was +out of the question. The sheep were all round us--like a +flood--lapping our sides. + +Adèle changed into first. + +I was physically afraid to look behind. + +The next moment we were through. + +We stormed round a curve to see a level crossing a quarter of a mile +ahead. + +_The gates were shut_. + +Adèle gave a cry of despair. + +"Oh, Boy, we're done!" + +"Not yet," said I, opening the door again. "Go right up to them, lass. +At least, it'll give us a chance to get Berry inside." + +We stopped with a jerk three feet from the rails. + +As I ran for the gate, I glanced over my shoulder. + +"Now's your chance!" I shouted. "Get..." + +I never completed the sentence. + +_The English Rose was gone_. + +I stopped still in my tracks. + +Then I rushed back to the car. + +"He's gone!" I cried. "We've dropped him! Quick! Reverse up the way +we've come, for all you're worth." + +Adèle backed the car with the speed and skill of a professional. I +stood on the running-board, straining my eyes.... + +The next moment a dilapidated touring car tore round the bend we were +approaching and leapt towards us. + +It passed us with locked wheels, rocking to glory. + +At a nod from me, Adèle threw out the clutch... + +As the mechanics came up-- + +"I'm sorry, _Messieurs_," I said, "but I fear you've passed him. No, +he's not here. Pray look in the car.... Quite satisfied? Good. Yes, +we dropped him a long way back. We thought it wiser." + +With that I wished them 'Good day,' and climbed into our car. + +"But what shall we do?" said Adèle. + +"Get home," said I, "as quick as ever we can. So long as we stay +hereabouts, those fellows'll stick to us like glue. We must go and get +help and come back. Berry'll hide somewhere where he can watch the +road." + +As we passed over the level crossing, I looked behind. + +The dilapidated grey car was being turned round feverishly. + + * * * * * + +Forty-five minutes later we sped up the shadowy drive and stopped by +our own front door. + +'Pierrette' switched off the engine and sat looking miserably before +her. + +"I wish," she said slowly, "I wish you'd let me go with you. I did +hate leaving him so, and I'd feel----" + +With a hand on the door, I touched her pale cheek. + +"My darling," said I, "you've done more than your bit--far more, and +you're going straight to bed. As for leaving him--well, you know how +much I liked it, but I know when I'm done." + + "_'Tis the last rose of summer, + Left blooming alone...._" + + +Delivered with obvious emotion in a muffled baritone voice, Moore's +famous words seemed to come from beneath us. + +Adèle and I stared at one another with starting eyes.... + +Then I fell out of the car and clawed at the flap of the dickey.... + +My hands were trembling, but I had it open at last. + +Her head pillowed upon a spare tube, the ruin of 'An English Rose' +regarded me coyly. + +"I think you might have knocked," she said, simpering. "Supposing I'd +been _en deshabille_!" + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +HOW A TELEGRAM CAME FOR JILL, PIERS DEMANDED HIS SWEETHEART, AND I +DROVE AFTER MY WIFE + +_Rome._ + +_My darling Jill,_ + +_It's all finished now, and I can start for Paris to-morrow. I must +stay there one night, to sign some papers, and then I can leave for +Pau. And on next Sunday morning as ever is, we'll have breakfast +together. Perhaps---- No, I won't say it. Any way, Sunday morning at +latest. Everyone's been awfully kind, and--you'll never guess what's +coming--Cousin Leslie's turned out a white man. He's the one, you +know, who brought the suit. The day I got back from Irikli I got a +note from him, saying that, while he couldn't pretend he wasn't sorry +he'd lost his case, he knew how to take a beating, and, now that it was +all over, couldn't we be friends, and asking me to come and dine with +him and his wife at the Grand Hotel. Old Vissochi didn't want me to +go, and kept quoting something out of Virgil about 'fearing the +Greeks,' but, of course, I insisted. And I am so glad I did. Leslie +and his wife were simply splendid. Nobody could have been nicer, and +considering that, if he'd won, he'd 've had the title, estates, money +and everything, I think it speaks jolly well for them both. They've +got two ripping little boys, and they were frightfully interested to +hear about you. They'd no idea, of course, but I just had to tell +them. They were so astonished at first they could hardly speak. And +then Mrs. Trunk picked up her glass and cried out, "Hurray, Hurray," +and they both drank to us both, and everybody was staring, and Leslie +got quite red with embarrassment at their having made such a scene. +Then they made me tell them what you looked like, and I did my best, +and they laughed and said I was caking it on, so I showed them your +photograph. And then Mrs. Trunk made me show her a letter of yours, +and told your character from your handwriting, and we had a great time. +Oh, Jill, I'm longing for you to see Irikli. Of course I love Rome, +but I think we'll have to be at Como a lot. Father always liked it the +best, and I think you will. It's so lovely, it makes you want to +shout. It only wants a princess with golden hair to make it fairyland, +and now it's going to have one. Oh, my darling, I'm just living to see +your beautiful face again and your great grave grey eyes. Jill, have +you any idea what wonderful eyes you've got? I say, we are going to be +happy, aren't we? So happy, we shan't have time for anything else. +But I can't wear a body-belt, dear. Not after this. I promised I +would till I came back, but I'm almost melted. I don't think Jonah can +be right. Any way, I'll bet he doesn't wear one._ + + _Your very loving + PIERS._ + + +My cousin showed us the letter with the artless confidence of a child. + +Excepting herself, I don't think any one of us shared the writer's +enthusiasm about Mr. Leslie Trunk. We quite agreed with Signer +Vissochi. It was hard to believe that the man who had instituted such +an iniquitous suit could so swiftly forgive the costly drubbing he had +received, or, as heir-presumptive to the dukedom, honestly welcome the +news of Piers' engagement. Sweetheart Jill, however, knew little of +leopards and their spots. Out of respect for such unconsciousness, we +held our peace. There was no hurry, and Piers could be tackled at our +convenience.... + +The conversation turned to our impending departure from France. + +"I take it," said Jonah, "that we go as we came. If we're going to +Paris for the Grand Prix, there's not much object in stopping there +now. In any event, it 'ld mean our going by train and sending the cars +by sea. I'm not going to drive in Paris for anyone. I'm too old." + +After a little discussion, we decided that he was right. + +"Same route?" said Adèle. + +"I think so," said Jonah. "Except that we miss Bordeaux and go by +Bergerac instead." + +"Is that shorter or longer?" said Berry. "Not that I really care, +because I wouldn't visit Bordeaux a second time for any earthly +consideration. I've seen a good many poisonous places in my time, but +for inducing the concentrated essence of depression, that moth-eaten +spectre of bustling commerce has them, as the immortal B-B-B-Wordsworth +says, beat to a b-b-b-string-bag." + +"I don't seem to remember," said Daphne, "that it was so awful." + +"It wasn't," said I. "But the circumstances in which he visited it +were somewhat drab. Still, it's not an attractive town, and, as the +other way's shorter and the road's about twice as good----" + +"I'm glad it's shorter," said Berry. "I want to get to Angoulême in +good time." + +"Why?" said Jill. + +Berry eyed her reproachfully. + +"Child," he said, "is your gratitude so short-lived? Have you in six +slight months forgotten that at Angoulême we were given the very finest +dinner that ever we ate? A meal without frills--nine tender courses +long? For which we paid the equivalent of rather less than five +shillings a head?" + +"Oh, I remember," said Jill. "That was where they made us use the same +knife all through dinner." + +"And what," demanded Berry, "of that? A conceit--a charming conceit. +Thus was the glorious tradition of one course handed down to those that +followed after. I tell you, that for me the idea of another 'crowded +hour' in Angoulême goes far to ameliorate the unpleasant prospect of +erupting into the middle of an English spring." + +"It's clear," said I, "that you should do a gastronomic tour. Every +department of France has its particular dainty. With a reliable list, +an almanac, and a motor ambulance, you could do wonders." + +My brother-in-law groaned. + +"It wouldn't work," he said miserably. "It wouldn't work. They'd +clash. When you were in Picardy, considering some _pâtés de Canards_, +you'd get a wire from Savoy saying that the salmon trout were in the +pink, and on the way there you'd get another from Gascony to say that +in twenty-four hours they wouldn't answer for the flavour of the +ortolans." + +"Talking of gluttony," said Jonah, "if they don't bring lunch pretty +soon, we shall be late. It's past one now, and the meeting's the other +side of Morlaas. First race, two-fifteen." + +I rose and strolled to the Club-house, to see the steward.... + +This day was the sixteenth of April, and Summer was coming in. Under +our very eyes, plain, woods and foothills were putting on amain her +lovely livery. We had played a full round of golf over a blowing +valley we hardly knew. Billowy emerald banks masked the familiar +sparkle of the hurrying Gave; the fine brown lace of rising woods had +disappeared, and, in its stead, a broad hanging terrace of delicate +green stood up against the sky; from being a jolly counterpane, the +plain of Billère itself had become a cheerful quilt; as for the +foot-hills, they were so monstrously tricked out with fine fresh +ruffles and unexpected equipage of greenery, with a strange epaulet +upon that shoulder and a brand-new periwig upon that brow, that if high +hills but hopped outside the Psalter you would have sworn the snowy +Pyrenees had found new equerries. + +Luncheon was served indoors. + +Throughout the winter the lawn before the Club-house had made a +dining-room. To-day, however, we were glad of the shade. + +"Does Piers know," said Adèle, "that he's coming home with us?" + +Jill shook her head. + +"Not yet. I meant to tell him in my last letter, but I forgot." She +turned to Daphne. "You don't think we could be married at once? I'm +sure Piers wouldn't mind, and I'd be so much easier. He does want +looking after, you know. Fancy his wanting to leave off that belt +thing." + +"Yes, just fancy," said Berry. "Apart from the fact that it was a +present from you, it'd be indecent." + +"It isn't that," said Jill. "But he might get an awful chill." + +"I know," said Berry. "I know. That's my second point. Keep the +abdominal wall quarter of an inch deep in lamb's wool, and in the +hottest weather you'll never feel cold. Never mind. If he mentions it +again, we'll make its retention a term of the marriage settlement." + +Jill eyed him severely before proceeding. + +"It could be quite quiet," she continued; "the wedding, I mean. At a +registry place----" + +"Mrs. Hunt's, for instance," said Berry. + +"--and then we could all go down to White Ladies together, and when he +has to go back to fix things up in Italy, I could go, too." + +"My darling," said Daphne, "don't you want to be married from home? In +our own old church at Bilberry? For only one thing, if you weren't, I +don't think the village would ever get over it." + +Jill sighed. + +"When you talk like that," she said, "I don't want to be married at +all.... Yes, I do. I want Piers. I wouldn't be happy without him. +But... If only he hadn't got four estates of his own, we might----" + +"Five," said Berry. Jill opened her big grey eyes. "Four now, and a +share in another upon his wedding day." + +Jill knitted her brow. + +"I never knew this," she said. "What's the one he's going to have?" + +Berry raised his eyebrows. + +"It's a place in Hampshire," he said. "Not very far from Brooch. They +call it White Ladies." + +The look which Jill gave us, as we acclaimed his words, came straight +out of Paradise. + +"I do wish he could have heard you," she said uncertainly. "I'll tell +him, of course. But it won't be the same. And my memory isn't +short-lived really. I'd forgotten the Angoulême dinner, but I shan't +forget this lunch in a hundred years." + +"In another minute," said Berry, "I shall imbrue this omelet with +tears. Then it'll be too salt." He seized his tumbler and raised it +above his head. "I give you Monsieur Roland. May he touch the ground +in spots this afternoon. Five times he's lent me an 'unter-'oss out of +sheer good nature; his taste in cocktails is venerable; and whenever I +see him he asks when we're going to use his car." + +We drank the toast gladly. + +Roland was a good sportsman, and throughout the season at Pau he had +been more than friendly. He was to ride two races at the meeting this +afternoon. + +"And now," said I, "get a move on. St. Jammes is ten miles off, and +the road is vile. If we'd got Roland's flier, it 'ld be one thing, but +Ping and Pong'll take their own time." + +My brother-in-law frowned. + +"Business first," he said shortly. "Business first. I spoke to the +steward about the cutlets, and I won't have them rushed. And if that's +our Brie on the sideboard--well, I, too, am in a melting mood, and it's +just asking for trouble." + +There was a fresh breeze quickening the air upon the uplands beyond old +Morlaas, to whip the flags into a steady flutter and now and again +flick a dark tress of hair across Adèle's dear cheeks. + +As we scrambled across country-- + +"Why, oh, why," she wailed, "did ever I let it grow? I'll have it cut +again to-morrow. I swear I will." + +"And what about me?" said I. "You're a joint tenant with me. You +can't commit waste like that without my consent." + +"I'm sure I can abate--is that right?--a nuisance." + +"It's not a nuisance. It's a glory. When I wake up in the morning and +see it rippling all over the pillow, I plume myself upon my real and +personal interest in such a beautiful estate. Then I start working out +how many lockets it 'ld fill, and that sends me to sleep again." + +"Does it really ripple?" said Adèle. "Or is that a poet's licence?" + +"Rather," said I. "Sometimes, if I'm half asleep, I feel quite +seasick." + +Adèle smiled thoughtfully. + +"In that case," she announced, "I'll reconsider my decision. But I +wish to Heaven it 'ld ripple when I'm awake." + +"They're off!" cried Jonah. + +A sudden rush for the bank on which we were standing confirmed his +report. We had much ado to escape being thrust into the deep lane the +bank was walling. + +The lane was about a mile long, and so was the bank. The latter made a +fair "grand stand." As such it was packed. Not only all the visitors +to Pau, but every single peasant for twenty miles about seemed to have +rallied at St. Jammes to see the sport. The regular business of the +race-course was conspicuously missing. Pleasure was strolling, cock of +an empty walk. For sheer bonhomie, the little meeting bade fair to +throw its elder brethren of the Hippodrome itself into the shadowy +distance. + +Roland rode a fine race and won by a neck. + +We left the bank and walked up the lane to offer our congratulations. + +"Thank you. Thank you. But nex' year you will bring horses, eh? An' +we will ride against one another. Yes? You shall keep them with me. +I 'ave plenty of boxes, you know. An' on the day I will give your +horse his breakfast, and he shall give me the race. That's right. An' +when are you going to try my tank? I go away for a week, an' when I +come back yesterday, I ask my people, 'How has Captain Pleydell enjoyed +the car?' 'But he 'as not used it.' 'No? Then that is because the +Major has broken her up?' 'No. He has not been near.' I see now it +is not good enough. I tell you I am hurt. I shall not ask you again." + +"Lunch with us to-morrow instead," laughed Daphne + +"I am sure that I will," said Roland. + +After a little we sauntered back to our bank.... + +It was nearly a quarter to five by the time we were home. That was +early enough, but the girls had grown tired of standing, and we had +seen Roland win twice. Jonah we had left to come in another car. This +was because he had found a brother-fisherman. When last we saw him, he +had a pipe in one hand, a lighted match in the other, and was +discussing casts.... + +Falcon met us at the door with a telegram addressed to 'Miss Mansel.' + +The wording was short and to the point. + +_Have met with accident can you come Piers Paris._ + +The next train to Paris left Pau in twelve minutes time. + +Adèle and a white-faced Jill caught it by the skin of their teeth. + +They had their tickets, the clothes they stood up in, a brace of vanity +bags, and one hundred and forty-five francs. But that was all. It was +arranged feverishly upon the platform that Jonah and I should follow, +with such of their effects as Daphne gave us, by the ten-thirty train. + +Then a horn brayed, I kissed Adèle's fingers, poor Jill threw me a +ghost of a smile, and their coach rolled slowly out of the station.... + +I returned to the car dazedly. + +Thinking it over, I decided that we had done the best we could. On +arrival at Bordeaux, my wife and cousin could join the Spanish express, +which was due to leave that city at ten-fifteen; this, if it ran to +time, would bring them to the French capital by seven o'clock the next +morning. Jonah and I would arrive some five hours later.... + +The Bank was closed, of course, so I drove to the Club forthwith to get +some money. Jonah was not there, but, as he was certain to call, I +left a note with the porter, telling him what had occurred. Then I +purchased our tickets--a lengthy business. It was so lengthy, in fact, +that when it was over I called again at the Club on the chance of +picking up Jonah and bringing him home. He had not arrived.... + +I made my way back to the villa dismally enough. + +My sister and Berry were in the drawing-room. + +As I opened the door-- + +"Wherever have you been?" said Daphne. "Did they catch it?" + +I nodded. + +"You haven't seen Jonah, I suppose?" + +I shook my head. + +"But where have you been, Boy?" + +I spread out my hands. + +"Getting money and tickets. You know their idea of haste. But there's +plenty of time--worse luck," I added bitterly. Then: "I say, what a +dreadful business!" I sank into a chair. "What on earth can have +happened?" + +Berry rose and walked to a window. + +"Jill's face," he said slowly. "Jill's face." He swung round and +flung out an arm. "She looked old!" he cried. "Jill--that baby looked +old. She thought it was a wire to say he was on his way, and it hit +her between the eyes like the kick of a horse." + +Shrunk into a corner of her chair, my sister stared dully before her. + +"He must be bad," said I. "Unless he was bad, he 'ld never have wired +like that. If Piers could have done it, I'm sure he 'ld have tempered +the wind." + +"'Can you come?'" quoted Berry, and threw up his arms. + +Daphne began to cry quietly.... + +A glance at the tea-things showed me that these were untouched. I rang +the bell, and pleasantly fresh tea was brought. I made my sister +drink, and poured some for Berry and me. The stimulant did us all +good. By common consent, we thrust speculation aside and made what +arrangements we could. That our plans for returning to England would +now miscarry seemed highly probable. + +At last my sister sighed and lay back in her chair. + +"Why?" she said quietly. "Why? What has Jill done to earn this? Oh, +I know it's no good questioning Fate, but it's--it's rather hard." + +I stepped to her side and took her hand in mine. + +"My darling," I said, "don't let's make the worst of a bad business. +The going's heavy, I know, but it's idle to curse the jumps before +we've seen them. Piers didn't send that wire himself. That goes +without saying. He probably never worded it. I know that's as broad +as it's long, but, when you come to think, there's really no reason on +earth why it should be anything more than a broken leg." + +There was a dubious silence. + +At length-- + +"Boy's perfectly right," said Berry. "Jill's scared stiff--naturally. +As for us, we're rattled--without good reason at all. For all we +know...." + +He broke off to listen.... The front door closed with a crash. + +"Jonah," said I. "He's had my note, and----" + +It was not Jonah. + +It was Piers, Duke of Padua, who burst into the room, looking +extraordinarily healthy and very much out of breath. + +We stared at him, speechless. + +For a moment he stood smiling. Then he swept Daphne a bow. + +"Paris to Pau by air," he said, "in four and a quarter hours. Think of +it. Clean across France in a bit of an afternoon. You'll all _have_ +to do it: it's simply glorious." He crossed to my sister's side and +kissed her hand. "Don't look so surprised," he said, laughing. "It +really is me. I didn't dare to wire, in case we broke down on the way. +And now where's Jill?" + +We continued to stare at him in silence. + + * * * * * + +It was Berry--some ten minutes later--who hit the right nail on the +head. + +"By George!" he shouted. "By George! I've got it in one. _The fellow +who sent that wire was Leslie Trunk_." + +"_Leslie?_" cried Piers. "But why----" + +"Who knows? But your cousin's a desperate man, and Jill's in his way. +So are you--more still, but, short of murder itself, to touch you won't +help his case. With Jill in his hands.... Well, for one thing only, I +take it you'd pay pretty high for her--her health." + +Piers went very white. + +For myself, I strove to keep my brain steady, but the thought of +Adèle--my wife, in the power of the dog, would thrust itself, grinning +horribly, into the foreground of my imagination. + +I heard somebody say that the hour was a quarter past seven. I had my +watch in my hand, so I knew they were right. Vainly they repeated +their statement, unconsciously voicing my thoughts.... + +Only when Daphne fell on her knees by my side did I realise that I was +the speaker. + +Berry and Piers were at the telephone. + +I heard them. + +"Ask for the Bordeaux Exchange. Burn it, why can't I talk French? Do +as I say, lad. Don't argue. Ask for the Bordeaux Exchange. Insist +that it's urgent--a matter of life and death." + +Piers began to speak--shakily. + +"Yes. The Bordeaux Exchange.... It's most urgent, _Mademoiselle_.... +A matter of life and death.... Yes, yes. The Exchange itself.... +What? My God! But, _Mademoiselle_----" + +A sudden rude thresh of the bell announced that his call was over. + +Berry fell upon the instrument with an oath. + +"It's no good!" cried Piers. "It's no good. She says the line to +Bordeaux is out of order." + +My sister lifted her head and looked into my face. + +"Can you do it by car?" she said. + +I pulled myself together and thought very fast. + +"We can try," I said, rising, "but---- Oh, it's a hopeless chance. +Only three hours--_less than_ three hours for a hundred and fifty +miles. It can't be done. We'd have to do over seventy most of the +way, and you can't beat a pace like that out of Ping and Pong. On the +track, perhaps.... But on the open road----" + +The soft slush of tires upon the drive cut short my sentence. + +"Jonah, at last," breathed Daphne. + +We ran to the window. + +It was not Jonah. + +It was Roland. + +So soon as he saw us, he stopped and threw out his clutch. + +"I say, you know, I am mos' distress' about your lunch to-morrow. When +you ask me----" + +"Roland," I cried, "Roland, will you lend me your car?" + +"But 'ave I not said----" + +"Now--at once--here--to drive to Bordeaux?" + +Roland looked up at my face. + +The next moment he was out of his seat. + +"Yes, but I am not going with you," he said. Then: "What is the +matter? Never mind. You will tell me after. The lights are good, and +she is full up with gasolene. I tell you, you will be there in three +hours." + +"Make it two and three-quarters," said I. + + * * * * * + +The day's traffic had dwindled to a handful of home-going gigs, and as +we swung out of the _Rue Montpensier_ and on to the Bordeaux road, a +distant solitary tram was the only vehicle within sight. + +I settled down in my seat.... + +A moment later we had passed the _Octroi_, and Pau was behind us. + +Piers crouched beside me as though he were carved of stone. Once in a +while his eyes would fall from the road to the instrument-board. +Except for that regular movement, he gave no sign of life. As for +Berry, sunk, papoose-like, in the chauffeur's cockpit in rear, I hoped +that his airman's cap would stand him in stead.... + +The light was good, and would serve us for half an hour. The car was +pulling like the mares of Diomedes. As we flung by the last of the +villas, I gave her her head.... + +Instantly the long straight road presented a bend, and I eased her up +with a frown. We took the corner at fifty, the car holding the road as +though this were banked for speed. As we flashed by the desolate +race-course and the ground on which Piers had alighted two hours +before, I lifted a grateful head. It was clear that what corners we +met could be counted out. With such a grip of the road and such +acceleration, the time which anything short of a hairpin bend would +cost us was almost negligible. + +As if annoyed at my finding, the road for the next five miles ran +straight as a die. For over three of those miles the lady whose lap we +sat in was moving at eighty-four. + +A hill appeared--a long, long hill, steep, straight, yellow--tearing +towards us.... We climbed with the rush of a lift--too fast for our +stomachs. + +The road was improving now, but, as if to cancel this, a steep, winding +hill fell into a sudden valley. As we were dropping, I saw its +grey-brown fellow upon the opposite side, dragging his tedious way to +the height we had left. + +We lost time badly here, for down on the flat of the dale a giant lorry +was turning, while a waggon was creeping by. For a quarter of a +precious minute the road was entirely blocked. Because of the coming +ascent the check hit us hard. In a word, it made a mountain out of a +molehill. What the car might have swallowed whole she had to +masticate. She ate her way up the rise, snorting with indignation.... + +A mile (or a minute, Sirs, whichever you please) was all the grace she +had to find her temper. Then the deuce of a hill swerved down to the +foot of another--long, blind, sinuous. The road was writhing like a +serpent. We used it as serpents should be used. Maybe it bruised our +heels: we bruised its head savagely.... + +We were on the level now, and the way was straight again. A dot ahead +was a waggon. I wondered which way it was going. I saw, and we passed +it by in the same single moment of time. That I may not be thought +inobservant, forty-five yards a second is a pace which embarrasses +sight. + +A car came flying towards us. At the last I remarked with a smile it +was going our way. A flash of paint, a smack like the flap of a sail, +and we were by. + +A farm was coming. I saw the white of its walls swelling to ells from +inches. I saw a hen, who had seen us, starting to cross our path. +Simultaneously I lamented her death--needlessly. She missed +destruction by yards. I found myself wondering whether, after all, she +had held on her way. Presently I decided that she had and, anxious to +retrace her steps, had probably awaited our passage in some +annoyance.... + +We swam up another hill, flicked between two waggons, slashed a village +in half and tore up the open road. + +The daylight was waning now, and Piers switched on the hooded light +that illumined the instrument-board. With a frown I collected my lady +for one last tremendous effort before the darkness fell. + +She responded like the thoroughbred she was. + +I dared not glance at the speedometer, but I could feel each mile as it +added itself to our pace. I felt this climb from ninety to ninety-one. +Thickening the spark by a fraction, I brought it to ninety-two ... +ninety-three.... In a quiet, steady voice, Piers began to give me the +benefit of his sight. + +"Something ahead on the right ... a waggon ... all clear ... cart, I +think, on the right ... no--yes. It's not moving.... A bicycle on the +left ... and another ... a car coming ... all clear ... no--a man +walking on the right ... all clear...." + +So, our narrowed eyes nailed to the straight grey ribbon streaming into +the distance, the sea and the waves roaring in our ears, folded in the +wings of the wind, we cheated Dusk of seven breathless miles and sent +Nature packing with a fork in her breech. + +Sore at this treatment, the Dame, as ever, returned, with Night himself +to urge her argument. + +I threw in my hand with a sigh, and Piers switched on the lights as we +ran into Aire-sur-l'Adour. + +I heard a clock striking as we swung to the left in the town.... + +Eight o'clock. + +Two more hours and a quarter, and a hundred and nineteen miles to go. + +I tried not to lose heart.... + +We had passed Villeneuve-de-Marsan, and were nearing, I knew, +cross-roads, when Piers forestalled my inquiry and spoke in my ear. + +"Which shall you do? Go straight? Or take the forest road?" + +"I don't know the Roquefort way, except that there's pavement there. +What's it like?" + +"It's pretty bad," said Piers. "But you'll save about fifteen miles." + +"How much pavement is there? Five or six miles?" + +"Thirty about," said Piers. + +"Thanks very much," said I. "We'll go by the forest." + +I think I was right. + +I knew the forest road and I knew its surface was superb. Thirty miles +of pavement, which I did not know, which was admittedly rough, +presented a ghastly prospect. The 'luxury' tax of fifteen precious +miles, tacked on to the way of the forest, was really frightening, but +since such a little matter as a broken lamp would kill our chances, I +dared not risk the rough and tumble of the pavement upon the Roquefort +road. + +At last the cross-roads came, and we swung to the right. We had +covered a third of the ground. + +I glanced at the gleaming clock sunk in the dash. + +Twenty-five minutes past eight. + +An hour and fifty minutes--and a hundred miles to go. + +With a frightful shock I realised that, _even with the daylight to help +me, I had used a third of my time_. + +I began to wish frantically that I had gone by Roquefort. I felt a +wild inclination to stop and retrace my steps. Pavement? Pavement be +burned. I must have been mad to throw away fifteen miles--fifteen +golden miles.... + +Adèle's face, pale, frightened, accusing, stared at me through the +wind-screen. Over her shoulder, Jill, white and shrinking, pointed a +shaking finger. + +With a groan, I jammed my foot on the accelerator.... + +With a roar, the car sprang forward like a spurred horse. + +Heaven knows the speed at which St. Justin was passed. I was beyond +caring. We missed a figure by inches and a cart by a foot. Then the +cottages faded, and the long snarl of the engine sank to the stormy +mutter she kept for the open road. + +We were in the forest now, and I let her go. + +Out of the memories of that April evening our progress through the +forest stands like a chapter of a dream. + +Below us, the tapering road, paler than ever--on either side an endless +army of fir trees, towering shoulder to shoulder, so dark, so vast, and +standing still as Death--above us, a lane of violet, all pricked with +burning stars, we supped the rare old ale brewed by Hans Andersen +himself. + +Within this magic zone the throb of the engine, the hiss of the +carburettor, the swift brush of the tires upon the road--three rousing +tones, yielding a thunderous chord, were curiously staccato. The +velvet veil of silence we rent in twain; but as we tore it, the folds +fell back to hang like mighty curtains about our path, stifling all +echo, striking reverberation dumb. The strong, sweet smell of the +woods enhanced the mystery. The cool, clean air thrashed us with +perfume.... + +The lights of the car were powerful and focussed perfectly. The +steady, bright splash upon the road, one hundred yards ahead, robbed +the night of its sting. + +Rabbits rocketed across our bows; a bat spilled its brains upon our +wind-screen; a hare led us for an instant, only to flash to safety +under our very wheels. As for the moths, the screen was strewn with +the dead. Three times Piers had to rise and wipe it clear. + +Of men and beasts, mercifully, we saw no sign. + +If Houeilles knew of our passage, her ears told her. Seemingly the +hamlet slept. I doubt if we took four seconds to thread its one +straight street. Next day, I suppose, men swore the devil was loose. +They may be forgiven. Looking back from a hazy distance, I think he +was at my arm. + +As we ran into Casteljaloux, a clock was striking.... + +Nine o'clock. + +We had covered the thirty-five miles in thirty-five minutes dead. + +"To the left, you know," said Piers. + +"_Left?_" I cried, setting a foot on the brake. "Straight on, surely. +We turn to the left at Marmande." + +"No, no, _no_. We don't touch Marmande. We turn to the left here." I +swung round obediently. "This is the Langon road. It's quite all +right, and it saves us about ten miles." + +Ten miles. + +I could have screamed for joy. + +Only fifty-five miles to go--and an hour and a quarter left. + +The hope which had never died lifted up its head.... + +It was when we were nearing Auros that we sighted the van. + +This was a hooded horror--a great, two-ton affair, a creature, I +imagine, of Bordeaux, blinding home like a mad thing, instead of +blundering. + +Ah, I see a hundred fingers pointing to the beam in my eye. Bear with +me, gentlemen. I am not so sightless as all that. + +I could steer my car with two fingers upon the roughest road. I could +bring her up, all standing, in twice her length. My lights, as you +know, made darkness a thing of nought.... I cannot answer for its +headlights, nor for its brake-control, but the backlash in the steering +of that two-ton van was terrible to behold. + +Hurling itself along at thirty odd miles an hour, the vehicle rocked +and swung all over the narrow surface--now lurching to the right, now +plunging to the left, but, in the main, holding a wobbling course upon +the crown of the road--to my distraction. + +Here was trouble enough, but--what was worse--upon my sounding the +horn, the driver refused to give way. He knew of my presence, of +course. He heard me, he saw my headlights, and--he sought to increase +his pace.... + +I sounded the horn till it failed: I yelled till my throat was sore: +Piers raged and howled: behind, I heard Berry bellowing like a +fiend.... I cursed and chafed till the sweat of baffled fury ran into +my eyes.... + +For over five hideous miles I followed that bucketing van. + +I tried to pass it once, but the brute who was driving swerved to the +left--I believe on purpose--and only our four-wheel brakes averted a +headline smash. + +At that moment we might not have been on earth. + +My lady stopped as a bird stops in its flight. With the sudden heave +of a ship, she seemed to hang in the air. Wild as I was, I could not +but marvel at her grace.... + +Out of the check came wisdom. + +It was safe, then, to keep very close. + +I crept to the blackguard's heels, till our headlights made two rings +upon his vile body. + +With one foot on the step, Piers hung out of the car, watching the road +beyond. + +Suddenly the van tilted to the right.... + +I knew a swerve must follow, if the driver would keep his balance. + +As it came, I pulled out and crammed by, with my heart in my mouth.... + +A glance at the clock made me feel sick to death. + +Fifteen priceless minutes that van had stolen out of my hard-earned +hoard. I had risked our lives a score of times to win each one of +them. And now an ill-natured churl had flung them into the draught.... + +I set my teeth and put the car at a hill at eighty-five.... + +We flashed through Langon at twenty minutes to ten. + +Thirty-five minutes left--and thirty miles to go. + +We were on the main road now, and the surface was wide, if rough. What +little traffic there was, left plenty of room. + +I took the ashes of my caution and flung them to the winds. + +Piers told me afterwards that for the first twenty miles never once did +the speedometer's needle fall below seventy-two. He may be right. I +knew that the streets were coming, and the station had to be found. It +was a question, in fact, of stealing time. That which we had already +was not enough. Unless we could pick some out of the pocket of +Providence, the game was up. + +I had to slow down at last for a parcel of stones. The road was being +re-made, and thirty yards of rubble had to be delicately trod. As we +forged through the ruck at twenty, Piers stared at the side of the road. + +"BORDEAUX 16," he quoted. + +Ten more miles--and nineteen minutes to go. + +The traffic was growing now with every furlong. Belated lorries +rumbled about their business: cars panted and raved into the night: +carts jolted out of turnings into the great main road. + +When I think of the chances I took, the palms of my hands grow hot. To +wait for others to grant my request for room was out of the question. +I said I was coming.... I came--and that was that. Times out of +number I overtook vehicles upon the wrong side. As for the frequent +turnings, I hoped for the best.... + +Once, where four ways met, I thought we were done. + +A car was coming across--I could see its headlights' beam. I opened +the throttle wide, and we raced for the closing gap. As we came to the +cross of the roads, I heard an engine's roar.... For an instant a +searchlight raked us.... There was a cry from Berry ... an answering +shout ... the noise of tires tearing at the road ... and that was all. + +A moment later I was picking my way between two labouring waggons and a +trio of straggling carts. + +"BORDEAUX 8," quoted Piers. + +Five more miles--and eleven minutes to go. + +Piers had the plan of the city upon his knees. He conned it as best he +could by the glow of the hooded light. After a moment or two he thrust +the book away. + +"The station's this end of the town. We can't miss it. I'll tell you +when to turn." + +Three minutes more, and our road had become a street. Two parallel, +glittering lines warned me of trams to come. + +As if to confirm their news, a red orb in the distance was eyeing us +angrily.... + +"We turn to the right," said Piers. "I'll tell you when." + +I glanced at the clock. + +The hour was nine minutes past ten. + +My teeth began to chatter of sheer excitement.... + +There was a turning ahead, and I glanced at Piers. + +"Not yet," he said. + +With a frantic eye on the clock, I thrust up that awful road. The +traffic seemed to combine to cramp my style. I swerved, I cut in, I +stole an odd yard, I shouldered other drivers aside, and once, +confronted with a block, I whipped on to the broad pavement and, amid +scandalised shouts, left the obstruction to stay less urgent business. + +All the time I could see the relentless minute-hand beating me on the +post.... + +At last Piers gave the word, and I switched to the right. + +The boulevard was empty. We just swept up it like a black squall. + +Left and right, then, and we entered the straight--with thirty seconds +to go. + +"Some way up," breathed Piers. + +I set my teeth hard and let my lady out.... + +By the time I had sighted the station, the speedometer's needle had +swung to seventy-three.... + +I ran alongside the pavement, clapped on the brakes, threw out the +clutch. + +Piers switched off, and we flung ourselves out of the car. + +Stiff as a sleepy hare, I stumbled into the hall. + +"_Le train pour Paris!_" I shouted. "_Ou est le train pour Paris?_" + +"This way!" cried Piers, passing me like a stag. + +I continued to shout ridiculously, running behind him. + +I saw him come to a barrier ... ask and be answered.... try to push +through.... + +The officials sought to detain him. + +A whistle screamed.... + +With a roar I flung aside the protesting arms and carrying Piers with +me, floundered on to the platform. + +A train was moving. + +Feeling curiously weak-kneed, I got carefully upon the step of a +passing coach. Piers stepped on behind me and thrust me up to the door. + +Then a conductor came and hauled us inside. + + * * * * * + +I opened my eyes to see Adèle's face six inches away. + +"Better, old chap," she said gently. + +I tried to sit up, but she set a hand upon my chest. + +"Don't say I fainted?" I said. + +She smiled and nodded. + +"But I understand," she said, "that you have a wonderful excuse." + +"Not for ser-wooning," said I. "Of course we did hurry, but...." + +Piers burst in excitedly. + +"There isn't another driver in all----" + +"Rot," said I. "Jonah would have done it with a quarter of an hour to +spare." + +So he would. + +My cousin would have walked to the train and had a drink into the +bargain. + + * * * * * + +While the train thundered northward through a drowsy world, a council +of five sat up in a _salon lit_ and laid its plans. By far its most +valuable member was Señor Don Fedriani, travelling by chance from +Biarritz to the French capital.... + +It was, indeed, in response to his telegram from Poitiers that, a few +minutes before seven o'clock the next morning, two detectives boarded +our train at the _Gare Austerlitz_. + +Five minutes later we steamed into the _Quai d'Orsay_. + +Jill, carefully primed, was the first to alight. + +Except for Piers, Duke of Padua, the rest of us followed as ordinary +passengers would. It was, of course, plain that we had no connection +with Jill.... + +That Mr. Leslie Trunk should meet her himself was quite in order. +That, having thus put his neck into the noose, he should proceed to +adjust the rope about his dew-lap, argued an unexpected generosity. + +'Yes, he had sent the wire. He had taken that responsibility. How was +Piers? Well, there was plenty of hope.' He patted her delicate hand. +'She must be brave, of course.... Yes, he had just left him. He was +in a nursing-home--crazy to see her. They would go there at once.' + +We all went 'there' at once--including Piers, Duke of Padua. + +Mr. Leslie Trunk, Señor Don Fedriani, and the two police-officers +shared the same taxi. + +'There' we were joined by Mrs. Trunk. + +The meeting was not cordial, neither was the house a nursing-home. I +do not know what it was. A glance at the proportions of the blackamoor +who opened the door suggested that it was a bastile. + + * * * * * + +It was thirty hours later that Berry pushed back his chair. + +It was a glorious day, and, viewed from the verandah of the Club-house, +that smiling pleasaunce, the rolling plain of Billère was beckoning +more genially than ever. + +So soon as our luncheon had settled, we were to prove its promise for +the last time. + +"Yes," said Berry, "puerile as it may seem, I assumed you were coming +back. My assumption was so definite that I didn't even get out. For +one thing, Death seemed very near, and the close similarity which the +slot I was occupying bore to a coffin, had all along been too +suggestive to be ignored. Secondly, from my coign of vantage I had a +most lovely view of the pavement outside the station. I never remember +refuse looking so superb.... + +"Well, I don't know how long I waited, but when it seemed certain that +you were--er--detained, I emerged from my shell. I didn't like leaving +the car unattended, but as there wasn't a lock, I didn't know what to +do. Then I remembered that just as the beaver, when pursued, jettisons +some one of its organs--I forget which--and thus evades capture, so the +careful mechanic removes some vital portion of his engine to thwart the +unauthorised. I had a vague idea that the part in question was of, +with, or from the magneto. I had not even a vague idea that the latter +was protected by a network of live wires, and that one had only to +stretch out one's finger to induce a spark about a foot long and a +shock from which one will never wholly recover.... I reeled into the +station, hoping against hope that somebody _would_ be fool enough to +steal the swine.... + +"Yes, the buffet was closed. Of such is the city of Bordeaux.... When +I recovered consciousness I sought for you two. I asked several +officials if they had seen two gentlemen. Some walked away as if +nettled: others adopted the soothing attitude one keeps for the +inebriated. Upon reflection, I don't blame them. I had a weak case.... + +"At last I returned to the car. Alas, it was still there. I then had +recourse to what is known as 'the process of exhaustion.' In fact, I +found it extremely useful. By means of that process I was eventually +successful in starting the engine, and, in the same elementary way, I +got into top gear. I drew out of that yard with a running backfire +nearly blowing me out of my seat. + +"Well, the general idea was to find a garage. The special one was to +hear what people said when I stopped to ask them the way. The fourth +one I asked was a chauffeur. Under his direction, one first of all +reduced the blinding stammer of the exhaust to an impressive but +respectable roar, and then proceeded in his company to a dairy, a +garage, another dairy and a hotel--in that order. I gave that chap a +skinful and fifty francs.... + +"Yesterday I drove home. I can prove it. All through the trams, like +a two-year-old. I admit I took over six hours, but I lunched on the +way. I trust that two of the poultry I met are now in Paradise. +Indeed, I see no reason to suspect the contrary. So far as I could +observe, they looked good, upright fowls. And I look forward +confidently to an opportunity of apologising to them for their untimely +translation. They were running it rather fine, and out of pure +courtesy I set my foot positively upon the brake. Unfortunately, it +wasn't the brake, but the accelerator.... My recollection of the next +forty seconds is more than hazy. There is, so to speak, a hiatus in my +memory--some two miles long. This was partly due to the force with +which the back of the front seat hit me in the small of the back. Talk +about a blue streak.... Oh, it's a marvellous machine--very quick in +the uptake. Give her an inch, and she'll take a hell of a lot of +stopping. However...." + +"Have you seen Roland?" I said. + +"Yes. He dined last night. I told him you'd broken down his beauty +and that I had administered the _coup de grâce_. He quite believed it." + +"What did he say?" said Adèle. + +"Since you ask me," said Berry, "I'll give you his very words. I think +you'll value them. 'I tell you,' he said, 'I am very proud. You say +she is done. Well, then, there are other cars in the _usine_. But she +has saved something which no one can buy in the world--the light in a +lady's eyes.'" + +There are things in France, besides sunshine, which are not for sale. + + + + +THE END + + + + +BY THE SAME AUTHOR + + +Published by + +WARD, LOCK AND CO., LTD. + + + BERRY AND CO. + JONAH AND CO. + ADÈLE AND CO. + AND BERRY CAME TOO + ANTHONY LYVEDEN + VALERIE FRENCH + THE BROTHER OF DAPHNE + THE COURTS OF IDLENESS + AND FIVE WERE FOOLISH + AS OTHER MEN ARE + THE STOLEN MARCH + MAIDEN STAKES + BLIND CORNER + PERISHABLE GOODS + BLOOD ROYAL + FIRE BELOW + SAFE CUSTODY + STORM MUSIC + SHE FELL AMONG THIEVES + SHE PAINTED HER FACE + THIS PUBLICAN + GALE WARNING + SHOAL WATER + PERIOD STUFF + AN EYE FOR A TOOTH + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jonah and Co., by Dornford Yates + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JONAH AND CO. *** + +***** This file should be named 27079-8.txt or 27079-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/0/7/27079/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jonah and Co. + +Author: Dornford Yates + +Release Date: January 9, 2009 [EBook #27079] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JONAH AND CO. *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + +JONAH AND CO. + + +BY + +DORNFORD YATES + + + + +WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED + +LONDON AND MELBOURNE + + + + +LIBRARY EDITIONS OF "JONAH AND CO." + + + First Published September 1922 + Reprinted 2,000 October 1922 + Reprinted 2,000 October 1923 + Reprinted 2,000 September 1924 + Reprinted 2,000 May 1925 + Reprinted 3,000 February 1926 + Reprinted 12,000 June 1927 + Reprinted 8,000 March 1928 + Reprinted 5,000 August 1929 + Reprinted 10,000 August 1930 + Reprinted 10,000 February 1933 + Reprinted 8,000 December 1935 + Reprinted 8,000 March 1939 + Reprinted 5,000 February 1942 + Reprinted 9,000 December 1943 + + + + BOOK + PRODUCTION + WAR ECONOMY + STANDARD + + THE TYPOGRAPHY OF THIS BOOK + CONFORMS TO THE + AUTHORIZED ECONOMY STANDARD. + + + +MADE IN ENGLAND + +Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and London + + + + +To + +ELM TREE ROAD + + +_MY LADY,_ + +_It is hard, sitting here, to believe that, if I would call for a cab, +I could be in St. James's Street in less than ten minutes of time. +Nevertheless, it is true. I have proved it so many times. Soon I +shall prove it for the last time._ + +_Better men than I will sit in this study and pace the lawn in the +garden with the high walls. The lilies and laburnums and all the gay +fellowship of flowers will find a new waterman. The thrushes and +blackbirds and wood-pigeons will find a new victualler. The private +forecourt, so richly hung with creeper, will give back my footfalls no +more. Other eyes will dwell gratefully upon the sweet pretty house and +look proudly out of its leaded window-panes._ + +_The old order changeth, my lady. And so I am going, before I am +driven out._ + +_Nine years ago there was a farm upon the opposite side of the road--a +little old English farm. Going out of my door of a morning, I used to +meet ducks and geese that were taking the air. And horses came home at +even, and cows lowed. Now the farm is gone, and a garage has taken its +room. And other changes have come, and others still are coming._ + +_So, you see, my lady, it is high time I was gone._ + +_This quiet study has seen the making of my books. This--the last it +will see--I make bold to offer to you for many reasons, but mainly +because, for one thing, this house belongs to you and, for another, no +hostess was ever so charming to the stranger within her gates._ + +_I have the honour to be,_ + + _Your ladyship's humble servant, + DORNFORD YATES._ + +_Number Six._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAP. + + I HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH + CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST SERVED + + II HOW THREE WAGERS WERE MADE, AND ADELE + KILLED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE + + III HOW A GOLDEN CALF WAS SET UP, AND NOBBY + SHOWED HIMSELF A TRUE PROPHET + + IV HOW BERRY MADE AN ENGAGEMENT, JILL A PICTURE, + AND ADELE A SLIP OF SOME IMPORTANCE + + V HOW LOVE CAME TO JILL, HERBERT TO THE RESCUE, + AND A YOUNG MAN BY HIS RIGHT + + VI HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE + DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HIS TROTH + + VII HOW DAPHNE LOST HER BEDFELLOW, AND THE LINE + OF LEAST RESISTANCE PROVED IRRESISTIBLE + + VIII HOW ADELE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME WHICH + HAD NO SMELL, AND I CUT EULALIE DEAD + + IX HOW JONAH TOOK OFF HIS COAT, AND BERRY + FLIRTED WITH FORTUNE FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH + + X HOW BERRY SOUGHT COMFORT IN VAIN, AND NOBBY + SLEPT UPON A QUEEN'S BED + + XI HOW BERRY PUT OFF HIS MANHOOD, AND ADELE + SHOWED A FAIR PAIR OF HEELS + + XII HOW A TELEGRAM CAME FOR JILL, PIERS DEMANDED + HIS SWEETHEART, AND I DROVE AFTER MY WIFE + + + + + _All the characters in this story are imaginary and have + no reference to any living person._ + + + + +JONAH AND CO. + + +CHAPTER I + +HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST +SERVED. + +"Shall I massage it?" said Berry. The suggestion was loudly condemned. + +"Right," replied my brother-in-law. "That reduces us to faith-healing. +On the command 'One,' make your mind a blank--that shouldn't be +difficult--realise that the agony you aren't suffering is imaginary, +and close both legs. One! On the command 'Two'----" + +"You can go," I said wearily. "You can go. I'll write to you when I +want you. Don't bother to leave your address." + +"But how vulgar," said Berry. "How very vulgar." He paused to glance +at his watch. "Dear me! Half-past ten, and I haven't had my beer +yet." He stepped to the door. "Should the pain become excruciating, +turn upon the stomach and repeat Kipling's 'If.' Should----" + +My sister and Jill fairly bundled him out of the doorway. + +Sitting by my side upon the bed, Adele laid her cheek against mine. + +"Is it any better, old chap?" + +"The pain's practically stopped," said I, "thank Heaven. Putting it +up's done that. But I'm in for a stiff leg, dear. I know that. Not +that that matters really, but it means I can't drive." + +It was unfortunate that, before I had been upon French soil for half an +hour, I should be kicked by a testy cab-horse of whose existence--much +less proximity--thanks to the poor lighting of Boulogne, I had been +totally unaware. I had been kicked upon the same knee in 1916. On +that occasion I had gone with a stiff leg for a fortnight. It seemed +unpleasantly probable that history would wholly repeat itself. + +"I can travel," I continued. "I shall be able to walk with a stick, +but I shan't be able to drive. And, as Jonah can't drive more than one +car at a time, Berry'll have to take the other." + +At my words Daphne started, and Jill gave a little cry. + +"B-but, Boy, he's only had three lessons." + +"I know, but he'll get through somehow. I'll sit by his side. It'll +shorten my life, of course, but what else can we do? Even if Fitch was +here, there's no room for a chauffeur. And you'd find towing tedious +after the first five hundred miles." + +With a white forefinger to her lips, my sister regarded me. + +"I know he's a disgrace," she said slowly, "but he's--he's the only +husband I've got, Boy, and--he has his points," she concluded softly +with the tenderest smile. + +I stretched out a hand and drew her towards me. + +"Isn't he my only brother, darling? Isn't he--Berry? I'll see he +comes to no harm." + +"You really think it's safe?" + +"Perfectly. For one thing, I shall be able to reach the hand-brake +rather more easily than he will...." + +My sister kissed me. + +"I like the sound of that," she said cheerfully. + +It was the fifth day of November, and all six of us were for the +Pyrenees. + +A month ago Adele and I, new-wed, had visited Pau. We had found the +place good, conceived the idea of spending the winter there, and wired +for instructions. Within three days we had received four letters. + +The first was from Jill. + + +_ADELE DARLING,_ + +_How sweet of you both to think of it! We're all simply thrilled. Try +and get one with a palm-tree and some wistaria. We miss you awfully. +Tell Boy Nobby is splendid and sends his love. Oh, and he smells his +coat every day. Isn't it pathetic P My hair won't go like yours, but +I'm going to try again. All our love to you and your HUSBAND,_ + +_JILL._ + + +Then came Jonah's. + + +_DEAR BOY,_ + +_What about tobacco? You might examine the chances of smuggling. I'm +sending you a hundred cigarettes conspicuously labelled BENGER'S FOOD, +to see what happens. I suppose the roads are pretty bad. What about +fishing?_ + + _Yours, + JONAH._ + + +(I subsequently received a curt communication to the effect that there +was a package, addressed to me and purporting to contain "Farine," +lying at the local custom-house. Adele was horrified. I endeavoured +to reassure her, tore up the notice, and cursed my cousin savagely. +When three days had passed, and I was still at liberty, Adele plucked +up heart, but, for the rest of our visit, upon sight of a gendarme she +was apt to become distrait and lose the thread of her discourse.) + +A letter from Daphne had arrived the next day. + + +_DEAREST ADELE,_ + +_We're all delighted with the idea._ + +_I don't think six months would be too long. I agree that a villa +would be much the best, and we're perfectly content to leave the +selection to you. You know what room we must have. I suppose two +bathrooms would be too much to expect. About servants: we can bring +some, but I think we ought to have a French cook to do the marketing, +and perhaps one other to keep her company and help in the kitchen and +house. Will you see what you can do? Plate and linen, of course, we +can bring. By the way, Madge Willoughby tells me that last year in +France they had some difficulty about coal; so tell Boy to see if he +can order some now. All this, of course, if you can get a villa._ + + _Your loving sister, + DAPHNE._ + + +Berry's came last. + + +_DEAR BROTHER,_ + +_So we shall ourselves winter this year at Pau?_ Eh bien! _There are, +perhaps, worse places. At least, the sun will shine. Ma foi, to think +that upon you depend all the arrangements._ Tant pis! _My suite must +face itself south and adjoin the bathroom. Otherwise I cannot answer +for my health, or, for the matter of that, yours either._ + +_Kindly omit from your next letter any reference to the mountains. +"Impressions of the Pyrenees" by a fool who has been married for less +than three weeks not only are valueless, but make my gorge rise--_une +elevation tres dangereuse. + +_Which brings me to your wife. How is the shrew? Tell her I have some +socks for her to darn on her return._ + +_It was thoughtful of you to emphasise the fact that the season of +green figs, to a surfeit of which I sincerely hope you will succumb, +will be over before I reach Pau. I am inclined to think that the five +hundred cigars George sent you will be over even earlier. Besides, I +shall at once console and distend myself with_ foie gras. + +_We must have a French cook, of course--a very priestess of +Gluttony--skilful to lure the timid appetite from the fastness of +satiety._ Enfin.... + +_I ask myself why I shall have made the trouble to write to you. You +have, of course, an opportunity unique of making a mess with a copper +bottom of my life for six months._ Mais, mon Dieu, que vous serez puni! + +Je t'embrasse, vieil haricot, sur les deux joues. + + _BERRY_ + +_P.S.--This here letter is a talisman, and should be worn upon the +exterior of the abdominal wall during a drought._ + + +Considering the nature of our holiday, Adele and I did not do so badly. +Before we left Pau, I had signed the lease of an attractive villa, +standing well in its own grounds and commanding a prospect of the +mountains as fine as could be. Adele had engaged a Frenchwoman and her +daughter, both of whom were well spoken of, and had been in the service +of English and American families before the War. A supply of fuel had +been reserved and various minor arrangements had been concluded. Ere +we were back at White Ladies, October was old. + +It had been Jonah's belated suggestion that our migration should be +accomplished by car. It was Jonah's enterprise that reduced the +upheaval of our plans, consequent upon the instant adoption of his +idea, to order and convenience. By the third of November everything +had been arranged. The heavier stuff had been embarked for Bordeaux; +the servants were ready to accompany the rest of the luggage by way of +Paris; the Rolls had been sold. In the latter's place we had purchased +two smaller cars--both new, both of the same make, both coupes, both +painted blue. Indeed, but for their numbers, which were consecutive, +we could not have told them apart. Each seated three +inside--comfortably, while a respectable quantity of baggage could be +easily bestowed in each of the capacious boots. + +Certainly my cousin's staff work had been superb. + +In the circumstances it seemed hardly fair that upon this, the first +night of our venture, he should be faced with the labour of shepherding +both cars, single-handed, first clear of the Customs, and then, one by +one, through the cold, dark streets which led from the quay to the +garage of the hotel. + +As if she had read my thought-- + +"Poor Jonah!" said Adele suddenly. "I wonder----" + +A knock upon the door interrupted her. + +This, being opened, admitted Nobby, two porters, our luggage, two +waiters, a large dish of sandwiches, some beer, coffee and its +accessories, Jonah, and finally Berry. + +"You must be tired," said the latter. "Let's sit down, shall I?" He +sank into a chair. "And how's the comic _patella_? I well remember, +when I was in Plumbago, a somewhat similar accident. A large +cherry-coloured _gibus_, on its wrong side----" + +"At the present moment," said I, wrestling with the Sealyham's +advances, "we're more concerned with your future than with your past. +It's the Bank of England to a ha'p'orth of figs that to-morrow morning +I shall have a stiff leg. Very good." I paused. "Those three lessons +you've had," I added carelessly, "will come in useful." + +Jonah, who was filling a tumbler, started violently and spilled some +beer. Then he leaned against the wall and began to laugh helplessly. + +Coldly Berry regarded him. + +"I fail," he said stiffly, "to see the point of your mirth. I gather +that it is proposed to enjoy my services for the propulsion of one of +the automobiles--that, while you will be responsible for the 'shoving' +of Ping, these delicate hands will flick Pong across France. Very +good. Let the Press be informed; call forth the ballad-mongers. What +would have been a somewhat sordid drive will become a winged flight, +sublime and deathless." + +"I trust so," said Jonah. "Six hundred miles with a fool at the wheel +is a tall order, but, if your companions survive the first two days, +they ought to pull through. Try not to do more than five pounds' worth +of damage to the gallon, won't you?" + +"Sour grapes," said Berry. "The professional reviles the distinguished +amateur." + +"Seriously," said I, "it's no laughing matter." + +"I agree," said Daphne. "You'll have to just crawl along all the way. +After all, we've got six months to get there in. Promise me you won't +try and pass anything." + +"I promise," replied her husband. "Should another vehicle approach, +I'll stop the engine and go and hide in a wood till it's gone." + +"Fool," said his wife. "I meant 'overtake anything' of course. You +know I did. Promise you won't try and rush past things just to get in +front of them." + +I took up the cudgels. + +"We've got to get along, darling, and he can't give a promise like +that. You wouldn't want to do fifty miles behind a traction-engine, +would you? Remember, I shall be by his side. He may be holding the +wheel, but I shall be driving the car. Make him promise to obey me +implicitly, if you like." + +"That's right," said Jill. "You will, won't you, Berry?" + +The latter looked at Adele. + +"Do you also subscribe to my humiliation?" he said. + +Adele smiled and nodded. + +"Unquestionably," she said. "By the time you get to Pau, you'll be an +expert. And then you can teach me." + +"The pill-gilder," said my brother-in-law. "Well, well. So far as in +me lies, I'll do as I'm told. But I insist upon plain English. I'm +not going to be suddenly yelled at to 'double-clutch,' or 'feel the +brake,' or 'close the throttle,' or something. It makes me want to +burst into tears. That fellow who was teaching me asked me, without +any warning and in the middle of some sheep, what I should do if one of +my 'big ends were to run out.' I said I should consult a specialist, +but the question upset me. Indirectly, it also upset the shepherd.... +Which reminds me, I never knew a human being could jump so far. The +moment he felt the radiator...." + +"You never told us this," said Daphne reproachfully. "If I'd known +you'd knocked somebody down----" + +"I never knocked him down," said Berry. "I tell you he jumped.... We +stopped, of course, and explained. He was a little nettled at first, +but we parted on the best of terms." + +"It's all very well," said my sister, "but I'd no idea----" + +"Every dog must have his bite," said I, laughing. "He won't do it +again. And now, since I'm tethered, will somebody give me some beer?" + +Then and there supper was consumed. + +A vigorous discussion of the turn events had taken, and the advancement +and scrutiny of a variety of high speculations regarding the probable +style of our progress to Pau, prevailed until past twelve o'clock, but +at length the others were evicted, and Adele, Nobby, and I were able to +prepare for the night. + +Out of the luxurious silence of a hot bath Adele's voice came floating +into the bedroom. + +"Boy!" + +"Yes, lady?" + +"I wish I was going with you to-morrow instead of Daphne." + +"So do I," I said heartily. + +Adele sighed. Then-- + +"It can't be helped," she said. "I think, on the whole, she would have +worried more than I shall." + +"Not a doubt of it," said I cheerfully. "As she said, Berry's the only +husband she's got." + +Adele choked. Presently-- + +"The real reason," she said, "is because she mistrusts her husband even +more than I trust mine." + +When I had worked this out-- + +"Aha," I said pleasedly. + +"But then, of course," said Adele, "she's been married much longer." + + * * * * * + +With Rouen as our objective, we left Boulogne the next morning at ten +o'clock. To speak more accurately, we left the hotel at ten o'clock +and Boulogne itself some forty minutes later. The negotiation of an +up-gradient leading out of the town was responsible for the delay. + +My sister and I shall remember that hill so long as we live. So, I +imagine, will Berry. We were half-way up when he stopped the engine +for the first time. We were still half-way up when he stopped it for +the eighth time. Indeed, it was at this juncture that I suggested that +he should rest from his labours and smoke a cigarette. + +My brother-in-law shook his head. + +"Shall I slide down backwards and begin again?" he inquired. + +"No, thanks," said I. "I have a foolish preference for facing death." + +"D'you think we could push it up?" said Daphne. + +"Frankly," said I, "I don't. You see, she weighs over a ton without +the luggage." + +Berry cleared his throat. + +"I am not," he said, "going through the farce of asking what I do +wrong, because I know the answer. It's not the right one, but you seem +incapable of giving any other." + +"I am," said I. + +"Well, don't say it," said Berry, "because, if you do, I shall scream. +No man born of woman could let in that clutch more slowly, and yet you +say it's too fast. The truth is, there's something wrong with the car." + +"There soon will be," I retorted. "The starter will fail. Then every +time you stop the engine you'll have to get out and crank. That'll +make you think." + +"'Make me think'?" yelled Berry. "D'you think I haven't been thinking? +D'you think I'm not thinking now? Haven't I almost burst my brains +with thinking?" Daphne began to laugh helplessly. "That's right," +added her husband savagely. "See the humorous side. I may go mad any +minute, but don't let that stop you." And, with that, he set his foot +upon the self-starter. + +When he had stopped the engine another three times, he applied the +hand-brake with unnecessary violence, sank back in his seat, and folded +his hands. + +My sister and I clung to one another in an agony of stifled mirth. + +Berry closed his eyes. + +"My work," he said quietly, "is over. I now see that it is ordained +that we shall not leave this spot. There's probably an angel in the +way with a drawn sword, and the car sees it, although we can't. Any +way, I'm not going to fight against Fate. And now don't speak to me. +I'm going to dwell on bullock-carts and goat-chaises and other +horse-drawn vehicles. I shan't last many minutes, and I should like to +die in peace." + +With a swift rush, Ping drew up alongside. From its interior Adele, +Jill, Nobby and Jonah peered at us excitedly. + +"Hullo!" said the latter. "What's up?" + +"Go away," said Berry. "Drive on to your doom. An apparition has +appeared to us, warning us not to proceed. It was quite definite about +it. Good-bye." + +"Jonah, old chap," said I, "I'm afraid you're for it. Unless you take +us up, we shall be here till nightfall." + +With a groan my cousin opened his door and descended into the road.... + +One minute later we were at the top of the hill. + +"And now," said Daphne, with the _Michelin Guide_ open upon her knees, +"now for Montreuil." + +When five minutes had passed and my brother-in-law was breathing +through his nose less audibly, I lighted a cigarette and ventured to +look about me. + +It was certainly a fine highway that we were using. Broad, direct, +smooth beyond all expectation, it lay like a clean-cut sash upon the +countryside, rippling away into the distance as though it were indeed +that long, long lane that hath no turning. Presently a curve would +come to save the face of the proverb, but the bends were few in number, +and, as a general rule, did little more than switch the road a point or +two to east or west, as, the mood took them. There was little traffic, +and the surface was dry. + +Something had been said about the two cars keeping together, but I was +not surprised when Jonah passed us like a whirlwind before we were +half-way to Samer. He explained afterwards that he had stuck it as +long as he could, but that to hold a car down to twenty on a road like +a private racing-track was worse than "pulling." + +Fired by Jonah's example, Berry laid hold of the wheel, and we took the +next hill at twenty-five. + +It was a brilliant day, but the cold was intense, and I think we were +all glad that Pong was a closeable car. That Winter's reign had begun +was most apparent. There was a bleak look upon the country's face: +birch-rods that had been poplars made us gaunt avenues: here and there +the cold jewellery of frost was sparkling. I fell to wondering how far +south we must go to find it warmer. + +Presently we came to Montreuil. + +As we entered the little town-- + +"This," said I, "was the headquarters of the British Expeditionary +Force. From behind these walls----" + +"Don't talk," said Daphne, "or I shall make a mistake. Round to the +left here. Wait a minute. No, that's right. And straight on. What a +blessing this _Michelin Guide_ is! Not too fast, Berry. Straight on. +This ought to be _Grande Rue_." She peered out of the window. "Yes, +that's right. Now, in a minute you turn to the left...." + +After all, I reflected, we had to get to Rouen, and it was past mid-day. + +We had sworn not to lunch before we had passed Abbeville, so, since we +had breakfasted betimes, I furtively encouraged my brother-in-law to +"put her along." His response was to overtake and pass a lorry upon +the wrong side, drive an unsuspecting bicyclist into a ditch and +swerve, like a drunken sea-gull, to avoid a dead fowl. As we were +going over forty it was all over before we knew where we were, but the +impression of impending death was vivid and lasting, and nearly a +minute had elapsed before I could trust my voice. + +"Are we still alive?" breathed Daphne. "I'm afraid to open my eyes." + +"I think we must be," said I. "At least, I'm still thirsty, if that's +anything to go by." + +"I consider," said Berry, "that the way in which I extricated us from +that _impasse_ was little short of masterly. That cyclist ought to +remember me in his prayers." + +"I don't want to discourage you," I said grimly, "but I shouldn't bank +on it." + +The plan of Abbeville, printed in the Guide, was as simple to read as +were my sister's directions to follow. At a critical moment, however, +Berry felt unable to turn to the right. + +"The trouble is," he explained, as we plunged into a maze of back +streets, "I've only got two hands and feet. To have got round that +corner, I should have had to take out the clutch, go into third, +release the brake, put out a hand, accelerate, sound the clarion and +put the wheel over simultaneously. Now, with seven limbs I could have +done it. With eight, I could also have scratched myself--an operation, +I may say, which can be no longer postponed." He drew up before a +_charcuterie_ and mopped his face. "What a beautiful bunch of +sausages!" he added. "Shall we get some? Or d'you think they'd be +dead before we get to Rouen?" + +In contemptuous silence Daphne lowered her window, accosted the first +passer-by, and asked the way. An admission that it was possible to +reach the Neufchatel road without actually retracing our steps was at +length extracted, and, after a prolonged study of the plan, my sister +gave the word to proceed. Save that we twice mounted the pavement, +grazed a waggon, and literally brushed an urchin out of the way, our +emergence from Abbeville was accomplished without further incident. + +With the knowledge that, barring accidents, we ought to reach Rouen by +half-past five, we ventured to devour a wayside lunch some ten minutes +later. + +It was after Neufchatel that the surface of the great grey road argued +neglect in no uncertain terms. For mile after mile, fat bulls of +Basan, in the shape of gigantic pot-holes, gaped threateningly upon us. +Berry, who was driving much better, did all that he could, but only a +trick-cyclist could have picked his way between them. The car +hiccoughed along piteously.... + +With the approach of darkness, driving became a burden, being driven a +weariness of the flesh, and we were all thankful when we slid down a +paved hill into the Cathedral City and, presently, past the great +church and on to the very bank of the River Seine. + +The others had been awaiting us for nearly two hours. + + * * * * * + +"With this sun," said Adele, "they ought to be glorious." + +Impiously I reflected that Berry was almost certainly enjoying his +breakfast in bed. + +"I expect they will," I said abstractedly. + +Adele slid an arm through mine. + +"It's very sweet of you to come with me, Boy." + +I stood still and looked at her. + +"You're a wonderful child," I said. "When you speak like that, I want +to kick myself and burst into song simultaneously. I suppose that's +Love." + +"I expect so," said Adele mischievously. + +Five minutes later we were standing beneath the shadow of Chartres +Cathedral. + +We had come, my wife and I, to see the windows. The day before had +been dull, and what light there was had been failing when we had +visited the shrine. To-day, however, was all glorious. + +If we had risen early, we had our reward. + +The place had become a gallery with jewels for pictures. Out of the +sombre depths the aged webs of magic glowed with the matchless flush of +precious stones. From every side colours we had not dreamed of +enriched our eyes. To make the great west rose, the world herself +might have been spoiled of her gems. Looking upon this mystery, no man +can wonder that the art is lost. Clearly it went the way of Babel. +For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. Windows the sun was lighting +were at once more real and more magnificent. Crimsons and blues, +purples and greens, yellows and violets, blazed with that ancient +majesty which only lives to-day in the peal of a great organ, the call +of a silver trumpet, or the proud roll of drums. Out of the gorgeous +pageant mote-ridden rays issued like messengers, to badge the cold grey +stone with tender images and set a smile upon the face of stateliness. +"Such old, old panes," says someone. "Six hundred years and more. How +wonderful!" Pardon me, but I have seen them, and it is not wonderful +at all. Beneath their spell, centuries shrink to afternoons. The +windows of Chartres are above Time. They are the peepholes of +Immortality. + +We returned to the hotel in time to contribute to a heated argument +upon the subject of tipping. + +"It's perfectly simple," said Berry. "You think of what you would hate +to have given before the War, double it, add forty per cent. for the +increased cost of living, halve it because of the Exchange, ask them +whether they'd like it in notes or gold, and pay them in +postage-stamps." + +"I want to know," said Daphne, "what to give the chambermaid." + +"Eight francs fifty. That's the equivalent of half-a-crown before the +War." + +"Nonsense," said his wife. "Five francs is heaps, and you know it." + +"I think it's too much," said Berry. "Give her one instead, and tell +her you've hidden the rest in the bathroom and that, when she touches +the towel-rail, she's warm." + +"As a matter of fact," said Jill uneasily, "it's all over. I've done +it." + +There was a dreadful silence. Then-- + +"Tell us the worst," said I, "and get it over." + +"I'm--I'm afraid I gave her rather a lot, but she had a nice face." + +"She had a nice step," said Berry. "I noticed that about five this +morning." + +"How much?" said I relentlessly. + +Jill looked round guiltily. + +"I gave her fifty," she said. + +There was a shriek of laughter. + +"Did she faint?" said Berry. "Or try to eat grass, or anything?" + +Gravely Jill shook her head. + +"She talked a great deal--very fast. I couldn't follow her. And then +she turned away and began to cry. I was so glad I'd done it." + +"So are we all," said Daphne. + +She was supported heartily. + +Jonah looked at his watch. + +"I suggest," he said, "that we start at eleven, then we shall fetch up +in time to see the cathedral." + +"How far is Tours?" said Daphne. + +"Eighty-six miles." + +"Let's keep together to-day," said Jill. "It's much more fun." + +Her brother shook his head. + +"I don't want," he said, "to be arrested for loitering." + +"Don't you worry," said Berry. "We wouldn't be seen with you." + +Jonah sighed. + +"Where there's a will there's a way," he murmured. + +"More," said Berry. "We regard you rather less than the dust beneath +our detachable wheels. You pollute the road with your hoghood. I +suppose it's no use asking you to keep behind us." + +"None whatever," replied our cousin. "Why should we?" + +"Well," said Berry, "supposing a tire discovers that I'm driving and +bursts with pride, who's going to change the wheel?" + +Jonah stifled a yawn. + +"You can't have it both ways," he said. "If we're to warn people not +to shoot at you, we must be in front." + +Berry regarded his finger-nails. + +"Perhaps you're right," he said. "Think of me when you get your third +puncture, won't you? And remember that my heart goes out to you in +your tire trouble and that you have all my love. Then you won't sweat +so much." + +Half an hour later Pong stormed out of the garage and into the _Place +des Epars_. + +Adele's wish had been granted, and she was travelling with Berry and me +instead of with Jonah. + +For this new order of battle Nobby was solely responsible. Upon the +first day's journey the terrier had whined all the way to Rouen because +he had wanted to be with me. As one of his audience, Jonah had been +offensively outspoken regarding this predilection. Upon the following +day the dog's desire had been gratified, whereupon he had whined all +the way to Chartres because he was apart from Adele. Commenting upon +this unsuspected devotion, Berry had been quite as outspoken as Jonah, +and much more offensive. Naturally, to withstand such importunity was +out of the question, and, since it was impossible for me to leave +Berry, the line of least resistance was followed, and Daphne and Adele +changed places. + +Our way out of Chartres was short and simple, and, with the exception +of temporarily obstructing two trams by the artless expedient of +remaining motionless upon the permanent way, Pong emerged from the city +without a stain upon his character. + +The Vendome road looked promising and proved excellent. Very soon we +were flying. For all that, Jonah overtook us as we were nearing +Bonneval.... + +It was some thirty minutes later, as we were leaving Chateaudun, that a +sour-faced _gendarme_ with a blue nose motioned to us to stop. +Standing upon the near pavement, the fellow was at once conversing with +a postman and looking malevolently in our direction. I think we all +scented mischief. + +"What can he want?" growled Berry, as he brought the car to a +standstill. + +"He's probably being officious," said I, getting our papers ready. +"We're strangers, and he's in a bad humour. Consequently, he's going +to scrutinise our _triptyque_, passports, passes and certificates, to +see if he can accuse us of anything. Happily they're all in order, so +he'll be disappointed. When he's thoroughly satisfied that he can +bring no charge against us, he'll order us to proceed." + +"He's taking his time about it," observed my brother-in-law. + +I looked up from the documents. + +My gentleman was still talking to the postman, while his pig's eyes +were still surveying the car. From his companion's demeanour, he +seemed to be whetting his wit at our expense. + +"This is intolerable," said I. "Ask him what he wants, lady." + +Adele leaned forward and put her head out of the window. + +"I think you wished us to stop, _Monsieur_?" + +The _gendarme_ waved his hand. + +"Wait," he said insolently. + +The postman sniggered shamefacedly. + +Adele sank back in her seat, her cheeks flaming. + +In a voice trembling with passion I conjured Berry to proceed. + +The moment the car moved, the official sprang forward, gesticulating +furiously. + +As we passed him, I put out my head. + +"Now it's our turn," I said warmly, "to make the postman laugh." + +From the hoarse yells which followed us, it was clear that we had left +the fellow beside himself with rage. Looking back through the little +window, I could see him dancing. Suddenly he stopped, peered after us, +and then swung about and ran ridiculously up the street. + +"Blast him, he's going to telephone!" said I. "Where's the map?" + +Together Adele and I pored over the sections. + +"If," said Berry, "you're going to direct me to turn off, for Heaven's +sake be quick about it. At the present moment I'm just blinding along +into the blue and, for all I know, an oversized hornets' nest. Of +course they mayn't sting when there's an 'r' in the month, but then +they mightn't know that. Or am I thinking of oysters?" + +"They'll stop us at Vendome," said I. "Not before. Right oh! We must +turn to the right at Cloyes and make for St. Calais. We can get round +to Tours that way. It'll take us about twenty miles out of our way, +but----" + +"Yes, and when we don't show up at Vendome, they'll wire to Calais. +Seriously, as Shakespeare says, I'm all of a doo-dah." + +That we should be stopped at St. Calais was not likely, and I said as +much. What did worry me, because it was far more probable, was that +when they drew blank at Vendome, the authorities would telephone to +Tours. Any apprehension, however, regarding our reception at that city +was soon mercifully, unmercifully, and somewhat paradoxically +overshadowed by a more instant anxiety lest we should never arrive +there at all. From the moment we left the main road, the obstacles in +the shape of uncharted roads and villages, pavements, cattle, goats, a +horse fair, and finally a series of appalling gradients, opposed our +passage. All things considered, my brother-in-law drove admirably. +But it was a bad business, and, while my wife and Berry were very +staunch, I think we all regretted that I had been so high with Blue +Nose. + +Night had fallen ere we slunk into Tours. + +Fully expecting to find that the others had well-nigh given us up, we +were astounded to learn at the hotel that Ping had not yet arrived. +Indeed, we had finished dinner, and were debating seriously whether we +should take a hired car and go to seek them, when there was a flurry of +steps in the corridor, Nobby rushed to the door, and the next moment +Daphne and Jill burst into the room. + +"My darling," said Berry, advancing, "where on earth have you been?" + +My sister put her arms about his neck and looked into his eyes. + +"Kiss me 'Good-bye,'" she said. "Jonah's just coming." + +Her husband stared at her. Then-- + +"Is it as bad as all that?" he said. "Dear, dear. And how did he get +the booze?" + +Somebody cleared his throat. + +I swung round, to see Jonah regarding us. + +"You three beauties," he said. "Four with Nobby." + +"But what do you mean?" said Adele. "What have we done?" + +"Done?" cried Jonah. "Done? Where d'you think we've been?" + +"It can't have been goats that stopped you," said Berry, "because I had +all the goats. There was a great rally of goats at St. Calais this +afternoon. It was a wonderful smell--I mean sight." + +"Guess again," said Jonah grimly. + +"You haven't been waiting for us on the road?" said I. + +"You're getting warmer," was the reply. + +Adele gave a sudden cry. + +"O-o-oh, Jonah," she gasped, "you've been at Vendome!" + +I started violently, and Berry, who was about to speak, choked. + +"That's right," said Jonah shortly. "Nice little place--what I saw of +it.... Lovely view from the police-station." He leaned against the +mantelpiece and lighted a cigarette. "It may amuse you to know," he +added, "that the expiation of your crime took us six and a half hours +and cost five hundred francs." + +In response to our thirsty enquiries, the tale came bubbling. + +My surmise that the blue-nosed _gendarme_ would telephone to Vendome +had been well-founded. He had forwarded an exact description of Pong, +together with the letters and the first three figures of the four +appearing upon the number-plate. Six minutes later Ping had sailed +innocently into Vendome--and up to her doom.... + +The Vendome police could hardly believe their eyes. Here was the +offending car, corresponding in every particular to the one described +to them, admittedly fresh from Chateaudun, yet having covered the +thirty-nine kilometres in eleven minutes. It was amazing ... almost +incredible ... almost.... Of outlaws, however, all things were +credible--even a speed of one hundred and thirty-six miles an hour. +For it was without doubt that outlaw which had flouted Authority at +Chateaudun. Oh, indubitably. And, having thus flouted Authority, what +was more natural than that it should endeavour to outstrip the +consequences of its deed? But, _mon Dieu_, what wickedness! + +In vain had Jonah protested and Daphne declared their innocence. The +telephone was again requisitioned, and the blue-nosed _gendarme_ +summoned and cross-examined. As luck would have it, he could not speak +to the passengers, beyond affirming that they included one man and one +woman.... When he gratuitously added that the reason why he could not +swear to the whole of the number was because of the terrible pace at +which the car was moving, the game was up.... + +Finding that the accusation of travelling at a horrifying speed was +assuming a serious look, my sister and cousins at length decided that +they had no alternative but to give us away. They had, of course, +realised that Pong was implicated from the beginning. Consequently, +with the flourish of one who has hit upon the solution of a problem, +they divulged our existence. They were politely, but wholly +disbelieved. In reply, they had politely, but confidently, invited the +police to wait and see.... + +For over four hours they had anxiously awaited the arrival of Pong. +When at last the humiliating truth began to dawn upon them, and it +became evident that we had ruled Vendome out of our itinerary, the +shock of realising, not only that they were to be denied an opportunity +of refuting the charges preferred, but that they were destined to leave +the town branded as three of the biggest and most unsuccessful liars +ever encountered, had well-nigh reduced Daphne and Jill to tears. And +when, upon the sickly resumption of negotiations, it appeared highly +probable that they would not be permitted to proceed, Jill had wept +openly.... + +France is nothing if not emotional. + +Visibly affected by her distress, the police had immediately become +less hostile. Observing this, Daphne had discreetly followed her +cousin's example. Before the sledge-hammer blows of their lamentation +two gendarmes began to sniff and a third broke down. The girls +redoubled their sobs. They were practically there. + +"You never saw anything like it," concluded Jonah. "Within three +minutes four of the police were crying, and the head bottle-washer was +beating his breast and imploring me in broken accents to explain away +my guilt. I threw five hundred francs on his desk and covered my eyes. +With tears rolling down his cheeks, he pushed the notes under a +blotting-pad and wrote laboriously upon a buff sheet. Then a woman was +produced. Between explosions of distress she made us some tea. In +common decency we couldn't push off for a while. Besides, I wasn't +quite sure that it was all over. However, everybody seemed too +overcome to say anything, so, after a bit, we chanced it and made a +move for the car. To my relief, they actually helped us in, and two of +them fought as to who should start us up." He looked round coldly. +"And now, perhaps, you'll be good enough to tell us what we've been +punished for." + +I told what there was to tell. + +As I came to the end. Berry nodded at Jonah. + +"Yes," he said unctuously, "and let this be a lesson to you, brother." + +Speechless with indignation, our cousin regarded him. + +At length-- + +"What d'you mean?" he demanded. + +Berry raised his eyebrows. + +"I hardly think," he said, "the penalty for--er--loitering would have +been so vindictive." + + + + +CHAPTER II + +HOW THREE WAGERS WERE MADE, AND ADELE KILLED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE + +We had slept, risen and breakfasted: we had visited Tours Cathedral: +finally, we had mustered in the lounge of the hotel. It was when we +had there been insulting one another for nearly an hour, that Jonah +looked at his watch. + +"We have now," he said, "wasted exactly forty-nine minutes in kicking +against the pricks. Short of a European war, you can't alter the +geography of France, and the laws of Mathematics take a lot of +upsetting. It's no good wishing that Bordeaux was Biarritz, or that +Pau was half the distance it is from Angouleme. If you don't want to +go right through, you must stay at Bordeaux. It's the only possible +place. If you don't want to stay at Bordeaux, you must go right +through. I don't care which we do, but I do want to see something of +Poitiers, and, if we don't get a move on, we shan't have time." + +All the way from Boulogne France had made an excellent host. So far +she had never failed to offer us a good night's lodging, with History +as a bedfellow, at the end of a respectable run. Indeed, from the +point of view of they that go down to the South in cars, her famous +capitals could hardly have been more conveniently disposed. This very +evening, by lodging us at Angouleme, she was to repeat such hospitality +for the last time. Upon the morrow we should be faced with a choice of +making a dash for the villa which was awaiting our arrival at Pau, or +breaking the journey asunder--but by no means in half--by sleeping at +Bordeaux. + +"I must confess," said Daphne, "that, for some reason or other, +Bordeaux doesn't attract me. Incidentally, I'm getting rather tired of +unpacking and packing up." + +"So far," said her husband, "as the bestowal and disinterment of my +effects are concerned, I can confirm that statement. Indeed, if we had +another week on the road, you'd both be exhausted. You left my sponge +and bedroom-slippers at Boulogne, my dressing-gown at Rouen, and my +pyjamas at Chartres. I wish you'd tell me what you've left here. I'm +simply dying to know." + +"No," said Daphne. "You must wait till Angouleme. I wouldn't spoil it +for anything." + +"Jade," said her husband. "And now, stand back, please, everybody. I +want to do a little stock-taking." With that, from every pocket he +produced French notes of all denominations, in all stages of decay, and +heaped them upon the table. "Now, this one," he added, gingerly +extracting a filthy and dilapidated rag, "is a particularly interesting +specimen. Apparently, upon close inspection, merely a valuable +security, worth, to be exact, a shade under twopence-half-penny, it is +in reality a talisman. Whosoever touches it, cannot fail to contract +at least two contagious diseases within the week. In view of the +temperature of my coffee this morning, I'm saving it for the +head-waiter." + +"When," said I, "do you expect to go down?" + +"The pure in heart," said Berry, "are proof against its malignity. +Don't you come too near. And look at this sere and yellow leaf. Now, +that represents one franc. When I think that, upon offering that to a +bar-tender, I shall not only not be assaulted, but shall actually +receive a large bottle of beer and be lent a two-and-sixpenny glass +from which to imbibe the same, I feel the deepest reverence for the +French Government. No other authority in the world could possibly put +up such a bluff and get away with it." + +"They are awful," said Jill, peering. + +"They're perfectly beastly," said Berry, "and wholly ridiculous. +However, since they're also legal tender, I suppose I may as well try +and sort them out. What I really need is some rubber gloves and a +box-respirator. Hullo! Just catch that one, will you? He's seen that +dog over there.... You know, I'm not at all sure that they get enough +air in my pocket. I suppose we couldn't get a hutch for the more +advanced ones. I mean, I don't want to be cruel." + +Again Jonah looked at his watch. + +"We have now," he said, "wasted fifty-six minutes in----" + +"Excuse me," said Berry, "but isn't this touching? Here's affectionate +Albert." With the words, he laid a two-franc note tenderly upon my +sleeve. "Now, I bet you don't get him off without tearing him." + +Disgustedly I managed to detach Albert, who instantly adhered to my +fingers. + +There was a shriek of laughter. + +"Stick to him," said Berry. "I've lost the bet." + +The injunction was unnecessary. + +After Albert had clung once to Adele's--happily, gloved--fingers and +twice to each of my hands, I trod upon him. Some of Albert was still +upon my boot that evening at Angouleme. + +"For the last time," said Jonah, "I appeal to you all to let that +dog-eared mountebank rake over his muck-heap, and attend to me." + +My brother-in-law addressed Adele. + +"It is," he said, "a discreditable but incontrovertible fact that +saints have always been reviled. I suppose it's jealousy." He turned +to his wife. "By the way, did you pack my _aureola_? I left it +hanging on the towel-rail." + +"If," said Daphne, "you're referring to your body-belt, it's with your +bed-socks." + +"And why not between your flannel vests?" said her husband. "The grey +ones we found at Margate, I mean. With the imitation bone buttons. +Ah, here we are. Now, if half a franc's no earthly, what'll who give +me for two-thirds of fifty centimes?" + +Jonah sank into a chair and closed his eyes. + +"Look here," said I desperately. "Once for all, are we going to stay +at Bordeaux, or are we going right through?" + +"I think we'd all rather go right through," said Jill. + +"I know I would," said her brother. "And if Boy's leg was all right, I +shouldn't hesitate. I'll answer for Ping. But, frankly, with Berry +driving, I doubt if Pong'll fetch up. I mean, two hundred and +twenty-two miles takes some biting off." + +There was a pregnant silence. Then-- + +"He'll never do it," said Daphne. + +Her husband, who was still busy with his paper, looked up defiantly. +Then he took a thousand-franc note and laid it apart from its fellows +upon the table. + +"I will wager that shekel," he said deliberately, "that, with a start +of one hour to-morrow, Pong reaches Pau before Ping." + +There was a gasp of astonishment. + +"Done," said Jonah. "What's more, I'll bet you another you don't get +in before ten." + +Berry raised his eyes to heaven. + +"An insult," he said. "Never mind. Your dross shall wipe it out. I +take you." + +"And I," said I, not to be outdone, "will put another on Pong for the +double." + +I felt that my honour was involved. After all, if I had not trained +the mount, I was training the jockey. + +"Right," said Jonah. "Will you both pay me now, or wait till you're +out of hospital?" + +"I think," said I, "we'll have a run for our money." + +The bets were made, and there was an end of it. But when we were again +in the car, and my brother-in-law was threading his way out of Tours, I +began to repent my rashness. + +Considering that, when he took the wheel at Boulogne, Berry had had +only three lessons in the management of a car, he had done most +creditably. My brother-in-law was no fool. Moreover, on leaving +Rouen, he and I had joined forces. Sitting beside him in the coupe, I +had driven the car with his hands--after a little practice--with +astonishing results. In two days we had, we prided ourselves, raised +such collaboration from the ranks of the Mechanical to the society of +the Fine Arts. My part was comparatively easy. Sinking his initiative +he had more nearly converted himself into an intelligent piece of +mechanism than I would have believed possible. It would, of course, be +vain to suggest that Pong would not have gone faster if I had been able +to drive with my own hands, or Berry had had my experience. Still, we +had come very well, and with a start of a whole hour and a little +luck.... Another point in our favour was that Adele, who with Nobby +completed our crew, had a pronounced gift for map-reading. She had an +eye to country. She seemed to be able to scent the line we ought to +take. The frequent treachery of signposts she laughed to scorn. Upon +the morrow her confident assistance would be invaluable.... + +What, when I made my bet, I had entirely forgotten, was that we were +not always upon the open road. There was the rub. From Angouleme to +Pau towns would have to be penetrated--among them Bordeaux itself--and +in the towns our system had broken down. In a crowded street, though I +could still administer, Berry could not execute. When I endeavoured to +allow for his inexperience of traffic, I found it impossible accurately +to gauge his capabilities. After a failure or two, it had been agreed +that he should negotiate such streets as we encountered without my +interference.... Of my haste to support Pong's honour, I had forgotten +the towns. + +With years of practice behind us, Jonah and I could thrust through +traffic, happy enough with an odd inch to spare. Naturally enough, +Berry had no such confidence. An inch was of no use to him. He must +have a good ell, and more also, before he would enter a gap. In the +trough of a narrow street he laboured heavily.... There was no doubt +about it. The towns through which we should have to pass on Wednesday +would settle our chances. My money was as good as gone. + +It seemed equally probable that Berry would save his stake. Barring +accidents of the grosser sort, if we started betimes, we were bound to +reach Pau before ten. Such a protasis robbed the bet of its savour. +With a thousand francs at stake, it would be foolish not to take +reasonable care. And the taking of reasonable care would all but +eliminate the element of uncertainty.... There was no getting away +from it. Of the two wagers, only the first was worth winning. To +reach Pau before Jonah would be a veritable triumph. + +Moodily I communicated my reflections to Adele. + +"I thought it was rather rash at the time," she replied. "But I think +there's a sporting chance." + +"That's right," said Berry. "Put your money on uncle. With enough +encouragement I can do anything." + +"Permit me to encourage you to blow your horn," said I. "That child in +front of you is too young to die." My brother-in-law obeyed. "All the +same, I'm afraid we're for it. It isn't so much a question of pace, +pure and simple, for Jonah's a careful driver. But his street work is +beautiful." + +Berry sighed. + +"I suppose he'd pass between those two waggons," he said sarcastically. + +"He would," said I. + +"I don't think you quite see where I mean," said Berry, pointing. "I +mean along that temporary passage, which would admit a small +perambulator." + +As he spoke, Ping brushed past us, slipped between the two wains, and +disappeared. + +Berry stared after it in silence. At length-- + +"I withdraw," he said. "I'm not a conjurer. If everybody stood well +back I used to be able to produce an egg, broken or unbroken according +to the temperature of my hands, from a handkerchief about six feet +square. People were very nice about it, very nice. But an inability +to introduce a quart into a pint pot has always been among my failings. +Don't say I've got to turn to the left here, because I can't bear it." + +"No," said Adele, smiling. "Straight on." + +"What--past the steam roller? How very touching! Excuse me, +messieurs, but would you mind suspending your somewhat boisterous +_travail_? My little car is frightened.... No answer. I suppose I +must pass it. Or shall we turn back? You know, I didn't really half +see the cathedral!" + +"Go on," I said mercilessly. "Jam your foot on the accelerator and +shut your eyes. Oh, and you might hold Nobby a minute, will you? I +want to light a cigarette." + +Adele began to shake with laughter. + +"With pleasure," said Berry acidly. "And then I'll help you on with +your coat. I may say that, if you touch me with that mammal, I shall +press and pull everything I can see and burst into tears. I'm all +strung up, I am." + +There was not much room, and the roller was ponderously closing in, but +with a protruding tongue our luckless chauffeur crept slowly past the +monster in safety, and a moment later we were scudding up the Poitiers +road. + +Now that we were clear of the town, we set to work diligently. Adele +pored over the map and the Michelin Guide; Berry turned himself into a +mechanical doll; and I maintained a steady issue of orders until my +throat was sore. + +The weather was fair and the going was good. Her new-born stiffness +beginning to wear off, Pong went better than ever. Berry excelled +himself. + +With every kilometre we covered my spirits rose, and when we overtook +Jonah on the outskirts of Chatellerault, I could have flung up my cap. + +The latter was clearly immensely surprised to see us, and when we +stopped, as was our custom, at a _charcuterie_ to buy our lunch, and +Ping had followed our example, leaned out of his window and asked me +pointedly whether my leg was yet stiff. + +Concealing a smile, I regretted that it was. + +Jonah fingered his chin. + +"Of course," he said warily, "it's a condition precedent that you don't +drive to-morrow." + +"Of course," I agreed. + +The confession of uneasiness, however, did my heart good. It was plain +that my imperturbable cousin was getting nervous. + +As we moved off again-- + +"We must lunch soon," said Berry. "My mouth's watering so fast, I +can't keep up with it." + +I patted Adele's arm. + +"Now you know the way to his heart," I said. "Straight through the +stomach, and----" + +"But how gross!" said Berry. "And how untrue! Naturally ascetic, but +for the insistence of my physicians, I should long ago have let my hair +grow and subsisted entirely on locusts and motionless lemonade. But a +harsh Fate ruled otherwise. Excuse me, but I think that that there +basket or ark in which the comfort is enshrined is rather near the +conduit through which flows that sparkling liquid which, when vapoured, +supplies our motive power. And _foie gras_ is notoriously susceptible +to the baneful influence of neighbouring perfumes. Thank you. If +those bits of heaven were to taste of petrol, it would shorten my life. +And now, where was I?" + +I turned to Adele. + +"He's off," said I. "The prospect of gluttony always loosens his +tongue. There's really only one way to stop him. What about lunching +at the top of this hill? Or can you bear it till we've passed +Poitiers?" + +A mischievous look came into Adele's brown eyes. + +"It's not half-past twelve yet," she said slowly. My brother-in-law +groaned. "Still ... I don't know.... After all, we did have +breakfast rather early, didn't we?" + +Berry smacked his lips. + +"A sensible woman," he said, "is above boobies." + +As he spoke, Ping swept by stormily. + +There was a moment's silence. Then-- + +"Hurray," cried Adele excitedly; "we've got a rise!" + +It was patently true. Jonah was wishful to reassure himself upon a +point which an hour ago he had taken for granted. The reflection that +at the moment we had not been trying to outdistance him increased our +delight. All the same, his ability to out-drive us was unquestionable. +But whether he could give us the start he had agreed to was another +matter. + +We ate a festive lunch.... + +An hour with Poitiers is like a sip of old wine. + +The absence of the stir and bustle which fret her sister capitals is +notable. So reverend and thoughtful is the old grey-muzzled town that +it is hard to recognise the bristling war-dog that bestrode the +toughest centuries, snarled in the face of Fate, and pulled down Time. +The old soldier has got him a cassock and become a gentle-faced +dominie. The sleepy music of bells calling, the pensive air of study, +the odour of simple piety, the sober confidence of great possessions, +are most impressive. Poitiers has beaten her swords into crosiers and +her spears into tuning-forks. Never was there an old age so ripe, so +mellow, so becoming. With this for evidence, you may look History in +the eyes and swear that you have seen Poitiers in the prime of her full +life. The dead will turn in their graves to hear you; children unborn +will say you knew no better. And Poitiers will take the threefold +compliment with a grave smile. She has heard it so often. + +Celt, Roman, Visigoth, Moor, Englishman--all these have held Poitiers +in turn. Proud of their tenure, lest History should forget, three at +least of them have set up their boasts in stone. The place was, I +imagine, a favourite. Kings used her, certainly. Dread Harry +Plantagenet gave her a proud cathedral. Among her orchards Coeur de +Lion worshipped Jehane, jousted, sang of a summer evening, and spent +his happiest days. Beneath her shadow the Black Prince lighted such a +candle of Chivalry as has never yet been put out. Not without honour +of her own countrymen, for thirteen years the High Court of Parliament +preferred her to Paris. Within her walls the sainted Joan argued her +inspiration. + +I have dived at random into her wallet, yet see what I have brought +forth. If memories are precious, Poitiers is uncommon rich. + +As if to console us for our departure, the road to Sister Angouleme was +superb. Broad, straight, smooth as any floor, the great highway +stretched like a strip of marquetry inlaid upon the countryside. Its +invitation was irresistible.... + +We reached the windy town in time for a late tea. + +As soon as this was over, Berry and I escaped and carried Pong off to a +garage, there to be oiled and greased against the morrow's race. +Somewhat to our amusement, before we had been there ten minutes, our +cousin arrived with Ping and the same object. Had the incident +occurred at Poitiers, I should have been encouraged as well. It was +another sign that Jonah did not despise his opponents, and his opinion +was worth having. As it was, the compliment left me unmoved.... + +The truth was, Berry had that afternoon contracted two habits. Again +and again on the way from Poitiers he had shown a marked tendency to +choke his engine, and five times he had failed to mesh the gears when +changing speed. Twice we had had to stop altogether and start again. +He had, of course, reproached himself violently, and I had made light +of the matter. But, for all the comfort I offered him, I was seriously +alarmed. In a word, his sudden lapse suggested that my brother-in-law +was entering that most unpleasant stage which must be traversed by all +who will become chauffeurs and are taught, so to speak, to run before +they can walk. + +It was after we had dined, and when my wife and I were seated--myself, +by virtue of my injury, upon a couch, and she upon a cushion beside +me--before the comfort of a glowing log-fire, that Adele laid down the +Guide and leaned her head against my knee. + +"I'm glad I married you," she said. + +I looked at Nobby. + +"So are we both," said I. + +"I wonder," said Adele, "whether you are really, or whether you're just +being nice." + +"Personally, I'm just being nice. Nobby is really. Of course, he may +be making the best of a bad job. As a worldly good of mine, I just +endowed you with him, and that was that." + +"You were both very happy before--before I came." + +"We thought we were." + +"O-o-oh," said Adele, twisting her head around, to see my face. "You +were. You know you were." + +The gleeful accusation of the soft brown eyes was irresistible. To +gain time, I swallowed. Then-- + +"So were you," I said desperately. + +"I know I was," was the disconcerting reply. + +"Well, then, why shouldn't we----" + +"But you said you weren't." + +I called the Sealyham. + +"Nobby," said I, "I'm being bullied. The woman we love is turning my +words against me." + +For a moment the dog looked at us. Then he sat up and begged. + +"And what," said Adele, caressing him, "does that mean?" + +"He's pleading my cause--obviously." + +"I'm not so sure," said Adele. "I wish he could talk." + +"You're a wicked, suspicious girl. Here are two miserable males, all +pale and trembling for love of you--you've only got to smile to make +them rich--and you set your small pink heel upon their devotion. I +admit it's a soft heel--one of the very softest----" + +"----I ever remember," flashed Adele. "How very interesting! 'Heels I +have Held,' by Wild Oats. Were the others pink, too?" + +Solemnly I regarded her. + +"A little more," said I, "and I shan't teach her to drive." + +Adele tossed her head. + +"Berry's going to do that," she said. "Directly we get to Pau." + +I laughed savagely. + +"I'm talking of automobiles," I said, "not golf balls." + +"I know," said my wife. "And Berry's going to----" + +"Well, he's not!" I shouted. "For one thing, he can't, and, for +another, it's my right, and I won't give it up. I've been looking +forward to it ever since I knew you. I've dreamed about it. You're +miles cleverer than I am, you're wise, you're quick-witted, you can +play, you can sing like a nightingale, you can take me on at tennis, +you can ride--driving a car's about the only thing I can teach you, +and----" + +Adele laid a smooth hand upon my mouth. + +"Nobby and I," she said, "are very proud of you. They're not in the +same street with their master, they know, but they're awfully proud to +be his wife and dog." + +To such preposterous generosity there was but one answer. + +As I made it-- + +"May I teach you to drive, lady?" + +A far-away look came into the soft brown eyes. + +"If you don't," said Adele, "nobody shall." + + * * * * * + +The day of the race dawned, clear and jubilant. By eight o'clock the +sun was high in a blue heaven, new-swept by a steady breeze. Limping +into the courtyard before breakfast, I rejoiced to notice that the air +was appreciably warmer than any I had breathed for a month. + +We had hoped to leave Angouleme at nine o'clock. Actually it was a +quarter to ten before the luggage was finally strapped into place and +my brother-in-law climbed into the car. With a sigh for a bad +beginning, I reflected that if we could not cover the two-hundred and +twenty odd miles in twelve and a quarter hours, we ought to be shot. + +Jonah stood by, watch in hand. + +"Are you ready?" he said. + +I nodded. + +"Right," said my cousin. "I'm not sure we've picked the best route, +but it's too late now. No divergence allowed." + +"I agree." + +"And you don't drive." + +"It's out of the question." + +"Right. Like to double the bets?" + +"No," said Adele, "they wouldn't. I won't allow it. But I'll bet with +you. I can't afford much, but I'll bet you a hundred francs we're +there before you." + +"I'll give you tens," said my cousin. "And I start in one hour from +_Now_!" + +When I say that, upon the word being given, Pong, whose manners had +been hitherto above reproach, utterly refused to start or be started, +it will be seen that Fate was against us.... + +It took us exactly two minutes to locate the trouble--which was in the +magneto--and just over two hours to put it right. + +As we slid out of Angouleme, an impatient clock announced that it was +mid-day. + +At least the delay had done something. So far as the second wager was +concerned, it had altered the whole complexion of the case. We were no +longer betting upon anything approaching a certainty. Indeed, unless +we could break the back of the distance before daylight failed, our +chances of reaching Pau before ten were worth little. If the road to +Bordeaux were as fine as that from Poitiers, and Berry could find his +form, we should probably run to time. We could not afford, however, to +give a minute away. + +As luck would have it, the state of the road was, on the whole, rather +worse than any we had used since we left Boulogne. Presumably +untouched for over six years, the wear and tear to which, as one of the +arteries springing from a great port, it had been subjected, had turned +a sleek highway into a shadow of itself. There was no flesh; the skin +was broken; the very bones were staring. + +For the first half hour we told one another that we had struck a bad +patch. For the second we expressed nervous hopes that the going would +grow no worse. After that, Berry and I lost interest and suffered in +silence. Indeed, but for Adele, I think we should have thrown up the +sponge and spent the night at Bordeaux. + +My lady, however, kept us both going. + +She had studied our route until she knew it by heart, and was just +burning to pilot us through Bordeaux and thence across Gascony. + +"They're sure to make mistakes after Bordeaux. You know what the +sign-posts are like. And the road's really tricky. But I spent two +hours looking it up yesterday evening. I took you through Barbezieux +all right, didn't I?" + +"Like a book, darling." + +"Well, I can do that every time. And I daresay they'll have tire +trouble. Besides, the road's no worse for us than it is for them, and +after Bordeaux it'll probably be splendid. Of course we'll be there +before ten--we can't help it. I want to be there before Jonah. I've +got a hundred----" + +"My dear," I expostulated, "I don't want to----" + +"We've got a jolly good chance, any way. While you were getting her +right, I got the lunch, and we can eat that without stopping. You can +feed Berry. We'll gain half an hour like that." + +Before such optimism I had not the face to point out that, if our +opponents had any sense at all, they had lunched before leaving +Angouleme. + +"Here's a nice patch," added Adele. "Put her along, you two." + +Spurred by her enthusiasm, we bent again to the oars. + +Contrary to my expectation, my brother-in-law, if unusually silent, was +driving well. But the road was against him. He had not sufficient +experience to be able to keep his foot steady upon the accelerator when +a high speed and a rude surface conspired to dislodge it--a shortcoming +which caused us all three much discomfort and lost a lot of mileage. +Then, again, I dared not let him drive too close to the side of the +road. Right at the edge the surface was well preserved, and I knew +that Jonah's off wheels would make good use of it. Such finesse, +however, was out of Berry's reach. We pelted along upon what remained +of the crown painfully. + +Seventy-three miles separate Bordeaux from Angouleme, and at the end of +two hours fifty-four of them lay behind us. All things considered, +this was extremely good, and when Adele suggested that we should eat +our lunch, I agreed quite cheerfully. + +The suggestion, however, that I should feed Berry proved impracticable. + +After four endeavours to introduce one end of a _petit pain_ into his +mouth-- + +"Would it be asking too much," said my brother-in-law, "if I suggested +that you should suspend this assault? I don't know what part of your +face you eat with, but I usually use my mouth. I admit it's a bit of a +rosebud, but that's no excuse for all these 'outers.' Yes, I know it's +a scream, but I was once told never to put _foie gras_ upon the nose or +cheeks. They say it draws the skin. Oh, and don't let's have any +comic nonsense about the beer," he added shortly. "Pour it straight +into my breast-pocket and have done with it. Then I can suck my +handkerchief." + +As he spoke, Nobby leaned forward and took the dishevelled sandwich out +of my unready fingers. + +"That's right," added Berry, with the laugh of a maniac. "Cast my +portion to the dogs." He dabbed his face with a handkerchief. "Never +mind. When his hour comes, you'll have to hold him out of the window. +I'm not going to stop every time he wants to be sick." + +Eventually it was decided that, since we should have to stop for +petrol, Berry must seize that opportunity to devour some food. + +"Besides," I concluded, "a rest of a quarter of an hour will do you +good." + +As the words left my mouth, I noticed for the first time that my +brother-in-law was tiring. + +For the moment I thought I was mistaken, for upon our previous runs he +had never turned a hair. Now, however, he seemed to be driving with an +effort. As if to confirm my suspicions, at the very next hill he +missed his change. + +"I think," I said quickly, "you ought to have your lunch right away. +It's no good getting done in for want of food." + +Berry shot me a pathetic glance. + +"It isn't that, old chap. It's---- Hang it all, it's my shoulder! +That cursed muscular rheumatism cropped up again yesterday...." + +The murder was out. + +After a little he admitted that, ever since we had left Poitiers, any +quick movement of his left arm had caused him intense pain. + +Of course both Adele and I besought him to stop there and then and let +the race go to blazes. Of this he would not hear, declaring that, so +long as Jonah was behind, victory was not out of sight, and that +nothing short of paralysis would induce him to jilt the jade. After a +little argument, we let him have his way ... + +The road continued to offer an abominable passage, and when we stopped +at a garage in Bordeaux, it was five minutes to three of a beautiful +afternoon. + +The third bidon was discharging its contents into Pong's tank, and +Berry was sitting wearily upon the running-board, with his mouth full +and a glass of beer in his hand, when, with an apologetic cough, Ping +emerged from behind an approaching tram and slid past us over the +cobbles with a smooth rush. The off-side window was open, and, as the +car went by, Jonah waved to us. + +There was no doubt about it, my cousin was out to win. It was also +transparently clear that Adele and I, at any rate, had lost our money. +We could not compete with an average of thirty-six miles an hour. + +"Boy!" + +"Yes, darling?" + +"Is that the last _bidon_?" + +"Yes. But Berry won't have finished for at least ten minutes. +Besides----" + +"Couldn't I drive for a bit, just till he's finished his lunch?" + +I stared at my wife. Then-- + +"I don't see why you shouldn't, dear, except that the streets of +Bordeaux are rather rough on a beginner." + +"I'll be very careful," pleaded Adele, "and--and, after all, we shall +be moving. And it can't affect the bets. Nothing was said about Berry +having to drive." + +I smiled ruefully. + +"As far as the bets are concerned, we might as well stay here the +night. We've got a hundred and fifty miles in front of us, and seven +hours--five of them after dark--to do them in. Berry's shoulder has +put the lid on. We shan't get in before midnight." + +"You never know," said Adele. + +Berry suspended the process of mastication to put his oar in. + +"Let her drive," he said huskily. "One thing's certain. She can't do +any worse than I have." + +"You never know," said Adele. + +A minute later she was in the driver's seat, and I had folded the rug +and placed it behind her back. + +As Berry took his seat-- + +"That's right," I said. "Now let in the clutch gently.... Well done. +Change.... Good girl! Now, I shouldn't try to pass this lorry +until----" + +"I think you would," said Adele, changing into third, and darting in +front of the monster. + +"Good Heavens!" I cried. Then: "Look out for that tram, lady. You'd +better..." + +As the tram was left standing, I caught my brother-in-law by the arm. + +"_She can drive!_" I said stupidly. + +"Nonsense," said Berry, "I'm willing her." + +"_You fool!_" I shouted, shaking him. "_I tell you she can drive!_" +We flashed between two waggons. "_Look at that! She's a first-class +driver, and she's going to save your stake!_" + +"What's really worrying me," said Adele, "is how we're to pass Jonah +without him seeing us." + +There was an electric silence. Then-- + +"_For-rard!_" yelled Berry. "_For-r-a-r-d!_ Out of the way, fat face, +or we'll take the coat off your back." A portly Frenchman leaped into +safety with a scream. "That's the style. For-rard! Fill the fife, +dear heart, fill the blinkin' fife; there's a cyciclist on the horizon. +For-rard!" + +To sound the horn would have been a work of supererogation. Maddened +by our vociferous exuberance, Nobby lifted up his voice and barked like +a demoniac. The ungodly hullaballoo with which we shook the dust of +Bordeaux from off our tires will be remembered fearfully by all who +witnessed our exit from that city. + +When I had indulged my excitement, I left the terrier and Berry to +finish the latter's lunch and turned to my wife. + +Sitting there, with her little hands about the wheel, she made a +bewitching picture. She had thrown her fur coat open, and the breeze +from the open window was playing greedily with the embroidery about her +throat. Her soft hair, too, was now at the wind's mercy, and but for a +little suede hat, which would have suited Rosalind, the dark strand +that lay flickering upon her cheek would have been one of many. Chin +in air, eyebrows raised, lids lowered, the faintest of smiles hovering +about her small red mouth, my lady leaned back with an indescribable +air of easy efficiency which was most attractive. Only the parted lips +at all betrayed her eagerness.... + +I felt very proud suddenly. + +The road was vile, but Pong flew over it without a tremor. Looking +upon his driver, I found it difficult to appreciate that a small +silk-stockinged foot I could not see was setting and maintaining his +beautiful steady pace. + +As I stared at her, marvelling, the smile deepened, and a little gloved +hand left the wheel and stole into mine. + +I pulled the glove back and kissed the white wrist.... + +"And I was going to teach you," I said humbly. + +"So was I," wailed Berry. "I'd arranged everything. I was going to be +so patient." + +"I was looking forward to it so much," I said wistfully. + +"Oh, and don't you think I was?" cried Adele. "It was so dear of you, +lad. I was going to pretend----" + +"It was much more dearer of me," said Berry. "But then, I'm like that. +Of course," he added, "you ought to have driven from Boulogne. Don't +tell me why you held your peace, because I know. And I think it was +just sweet of you, darling, and, but for your husband's presence, I +should kiss you by force." + +The car fled on. + +There was little traffic, but thrice we came upon cows and once upon a +large flock of sheep. We could only pray that Jonah had endured the +same trials. + +As we slid through Langon, thirty miles distant from Bordeaux, I looked +at my watch. Two minutes to four. Adele noticed the movement and +asked the time. When I told her, she frowned. + +"Not good enough," she said simply. + +The light was beginning to fail now, and I asked if she would have the +lamps lit. + +She shook her head. + +"Not yet, Boy." + +At last the road was presenting a better surface. As we flashed up a +long incline, a glance at the speedometer showed me that we were doing +fifty. As I looked again, the needle swung slowly to fifty-five.... + +I began to peer into the distance for Jonah's dust. + +With a low snarl we swooped into La Reole, whipped unhesitatingly to +right and left, coughed at cross-streets, and then swept out of the +town ere Berry had found its name in the Michelin Guide. + +Again I asked my wife if she would have the headlights. + +"Not yet, Boy." + +"Shall I raise the wind screen?" + +"Please." + +Together Berry and I observed her wish, while with her own right hand +she closed the window. The rush of the cool air was more than +freshening, and I turned up her coat collar and fastened the heavy fur +about her throat. + +The car tore on. + +Lights began to appear--one by one, stabbing the dusk with their beams, +steady, conspicuous. One only, far in the distance, seemed +ill-defined--a faint smudge against the twilight. Then it went out +altogether. + +"Jonah," said Adele quietly. + +She was right. + +Within a minute we could see the smear again--more clearly. It was +Ping's tail-lamp. + +I began to tremble with excitement. Beside me I could hear Berry +breathing fast through his nose. + +Half a dozen times we lost the light, only to pick it up again a moment +later. Each time it was brighter than before. We were gaining +rapidly.... + +We could not have been more than a furlong behind, when the sudden +appearance of a cluster of bright pin-pricks immediately ahead showed +that we were approaching Marmande. + +Instantly Ping's tail-light began to grow bigger. Jonah was slowing up +for the town. In a moment we should be in a position to pass.... + +In silence Berry and I clasped one another. Somewhere between us Nobby +began to pant. + +As we entered Marmande, there were not thirty paces between the two +cars. And my unsuspecting cousin was going dead slow. A twitch of the +wheel, and we should leave him standing.... + +Then, without any warning, Adele slowed up and fell in behind Ping. + +I could have screamed to her to go by. + +Deliberately she was throwing away the chance of a lifetime. + +Desperately I laid my hand on her arm. + +"Adele!" I cried hoarsely. "My darling, aren't you----" + +By way of answer, she gave a little crow of rejoicing and turned sharp +round to the right. + +Jonah had passed straight on. + +As Pong leaped forward, the scales fell from my eyes. + +Adele was for the side-streets. If she could only rejoin the main road +at a point ahead of Jonah, the latter would never know that we had +passed him. If... + +I began to hope very much that my wife knew the plan of Marmande rather +better than I. + +Through the dusk I could see that the street we were using ran on to a +bridge. It was there, I supposed, that we should turn to the left.... + +To my horror, Adele thrust on to the bridge at an increased pace. + +"A-aren't you going to turn?" I stammered. "I mean, we'll never----" + +"I said the road was tricky," said Adele, "but I hardly dared to hope +they'd make such a bad mistake." We sailed off the bridge and on to a +beautiful road. "Ah, this is more like it. I don't know where Jonah's +going, _but this is the way to Pau_.... And now I think it'll be safe +to have the lights on. You might look behind first to see if they're +coming. You see, if they'd seen us go by, the game would have been up. +As it is..." + + * * * * * + +At half-past seven that evening we drove into Pau. + +Arrived at our villa, we put the car away and hurried indoors. + +It was almost eight o'clock when Ping discharged his passengers upon +the front steps. + +In silence and from the landing we watched them enter the hall. + +When they were all inside, I released Nobby. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +HOW A GOLDEN CALF WAS SET UP, AND NOBBY SHOWED HIMSELF A TRUE PROPHET + +Five fat weeks had rolled by since Adele had eased Jonah of sixty +pounds, and the Antoinette ring we had given her to commemorate the +feat was now for the first time in danger of suffering an eclipse. In +a word, a new star had arisen. + +"I dreamed about it," said Daphne. "I knew I should." + +I knitted my brows. + +"I wish," said I, "I could share your enthusiasm." + +"Ah, but you haven't seen it." + +"I know, but I don't even want to. If you'd come back raving about a +piece of furniture or a jewel or a picture, I should have been +interested. But a shawl... A shawl leaves me cold." + +"I agree," said Jonah. "I've learned to appear attentive to the +description of a frock. I keep a special indulgent smile for the +incoherence inspired by a hat. But when you pipe to me the praises of +a shawl--well, I'm unable to dance." + +"Wait till you see it," said Adele. "Besides, there were some lovely +rugs." + +"That's better," said I. "I like a good rug." + +"Well, these were glorious," said Jill. "They had the most lovely +sheen. But, of course, the shawl..." + +"If anyone," said Jonah, "says that ugly word again, I shall scream." + +It was half-past nine of a very beautiful morning, and we were +breakfasting. + +The last two days had been wet. In the night, however, the clouds had +disappeared, leaving the great sky flawless, an atmosphere so rare as +tempted shy Distance to approach, and the mountains in all the powdered +glory of their maiden snow. + +Seventy miles of magic--that is what Pau stares at. For the Pyrenees, +viewed from this royal box, are purely magical. They do not rise so +high--eleven thousand feet, as mountains go, is nothing wonderful. +There is no might nor majesty about them--distant some thirty odd +miles. They are just an exquisite wall, well and truly laid, and +carved with that careless cunning of the great Artificer into the +likeness of some screen in Heaven. + +Where, then, is the magic? Listen. These mountains are never the +same. To-day they are very nigh; to-morrow they will stand farther +than you have ever seen them. On Monday they will lie a mere ridge +above the foot-hills; on Tuesday they will be towering, so that you +must lift up your eyes to find the summits. But yesterday you +marvelled at their stablishment; this morning they will be floating +above the world. One week the clear-cut beauty of their lines and +curves gladdens your heart; the next, a mocking mystery of soft blurred +battlements will tease your vision. Such shifting sorcery is never +stale. Light, shade, and atmosphere play such fantastic tricks with +Pau's fair heritage that the grey town, curled comfortably in the +sunshine upon her plateau's edge, looks not on one, but upon many +prospects. The pageant of the Pyrenees is never done. + +As for the wedding garment which they had put on in the night--it made +us all late for breakfast. + +The door opened to admit Berry. + +The look of resignation upon his face and the silence in which he took +his seat where highly eloquent. + +There was no need to ask what was the matter. We knew. Big with the +knowledge, we waited upon the edge of laughter. + +As he received his coffee-- + +"I'm not going on like this," he said shortly. "It's insanitary." + +Adele's lips twitched, and Jill put a hand to her mouth. + +"I can't think how it is," said Daphne. "Mine was all right." + +"Of course it was," retorted her husband. "So was Adele's. So was +Jill's. By the time you three nymphs are through, there's no hot water +left." + +"That," said I, "is where the geyser comes in. The agent was at some +pains to point out that it was an auxiliary." + +"Was he, indeed?" said Berry. "Well, if he'd been at some pains to +point out that it leaked, stank, became white-hot, and was generally +about the finest labour-wasting device ever invented, he'd 've been +nearer the mark. If he'd added that it wasn't a geyser at all, but a +cross between a magic lantern and a money-box----" + +"Knack," said Jonah. "That's all it needs. You haven't got the hang +of it yet." + +The savagery with which my brother-in-law attacked a roll was almost +frightening. + +"W-why money-box?" said Jill tremulously. + +"Because," said Berry, "it has to be bribed to devil you. Until you've +put ten centimes in the metre, you don't get any gas. It's a pretty +idea." + +Adele began to shake with laughter. + +"You must have done something wrong," said I. + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"Provided," he said, "that you are fairly active and physically fit, +you can't go wrong. But it's a strain on one's sanity.... No, I don't +think I'll have any omelet. They're so impatient." + +I decided to apply the spur. + +"But the agent showed us exactly----" + +"Look here," said Berry, "you enter that bathroom, clothed--after a +fashion--and in your right mind. Then you leave it for some matches. +On your return you turn on the gas. After wasting four matches, you +laugh pleasantly, put on your dressing-gown again, and go about the +house asking everyone for a ten-centime piece... This you place in the +slot. Then you go out again and try to remember where you put the +matches. By the time you're back, the whole room is full of gas, so +you open the window wide and clean your teeth to fill up the time. +Long before it's safe you strike another match. The thing lights with +an explosion that shortens your life.... In about two minutes it emits +a roaring sound and begins to shake all over. By now all the taps are +red-hot, and, by the time you've burnt yourself to hell, you're +wondering whether, if you start at once, you'll have time to leave the +house before the thing bursts. Finally, you knock the gas off with the +cork mat.... + +"After a decent interval you start again. This time you turn on the +water first. Stone cold, of course. When you've used enough gas to +roast an ox, you hope like anything and reduce the flow." He paused to +pass a hand wearily across his eyes. "Have you ever seen Vesuvius in +eruption?" he added. "I admit no rocks were discharged--at least, I +didn't see any. There may be some in the bath. I didn't wait to +look.... Blinded by the steam, deafened by the noise, you make a rush +for the door. This seems to have been moved. You feel all over the +walls, like a madman. In the frenzy of despair--it's astonishing how +one clings to life--you hurl yourself at the bath and turn on both +taps.... As if by magic the steam disappears, the roaring subsides, +and two broad streams of pure cold water issue, like crystal founts, +into the bath. Now you know why I'm so jolly this morning." + +With tears running down her cheeks-- + +"You must have a bath in the dressing-room," wailed Daphne. "The +others do." + +"I won't," said Berry. "It faces North." + +"Then you must have it at night." + +"Not to-night," I interposed. "Nobby's bagged it." + +With the laugh of a maniac, my brother-in-law requested that the facts +should be laid before the Sealyham, and the latter desired to waive his +rights. + +"Of course," he concluded, "if you want me to become verminous, just +say so." + +There was a shriek of laughter. + +"And now be quick," said Daphne, "or we shall be late for the meet. +And I particularly want to see Sally." + +Sarah Featherstone was the possessor of the coveted shawl. + +We had met her by chance upon the boulevard two days before. No one of +us had had any idea that she was not in Ireland, whither she had +retired upon her marriage, and where her passion for hunting kept her +most of the year, and when we learned that she had already spent six +months in the Pyrenees, and would be at Pau all the winter, we could +hardly believe our ears. Her little son, it appeared, had been ailing, +and the air of the Pyrenees was to make him well. So their summer had +been passed in the mountains, and, with three good hunters from +Ireland, the winter was to be supported under the shadow of the healing +hills. + +"It hurts me to think of Ireland, but I'm getting to love this place. +I want the rain on my face sometimes, and the earth doesn't smell so +sweet; but the sun's a godsend--I've never seen it before--and the air +makes me want to shout. Oh, I've got a lot to be thankful for. +Peter's put on a stone and a half to date, George'll be out for +Christmas, and, now that you've come to stay..." + +We were all glad of Sarah--till yesterday. + +Now, however, she had set up a golden calf, which our womenkind were +worshipping out of all reason and convenience. + +At the mention of the false prophet's name, Jonah and I pushed back our +chairs. + +"Don't leave me," said Berry, "I know what's coming. I had it last +night until I fell asleep. Then that harpy"--he nodded at +Daphne--"dared to rouse me out of a most refreshing slumber to ask me +whether I thought 'the Chinese did both sides at once or one after the +other.' With my mind running on baths, I said they probably began on +their feet and washed upwards. By the time the misunderstanding had +been cleared up, I was thoroughly awake and remained in a hideous and +agonising condition of sleepless lassitude for the space of one hour. +The tea came sharp at half-past seven, and the shawl rolled up twenty +seconds later. I tell you I'm sick of the blasted comforter." + +A squall of indignation succeeded this blasphemy. + +When order had been restored-- + +"Any way," said Jill, "Sally says the sailor who sold it her 'll be +back with some more things next month, and she's going to send him +here. He only comes twice a year, and----" + +"Isn't it curious," said Jonah, "how a sailor never dies at sea?" + +"Most strange," said Berry. "The best way will be to ask him to stay +here. Then he can have a bath in the morning, and we can bury him +behind the garage." + + * * * * * + +With that confident accuracy which waits upon a player only when it is +uncourted, Jill cracked her ball across the six yards of turf and into +the hole. + +"Look at that," said Adele. + +Jonah raised his eyes to heaven. + +"And the game," he said, "means nothing to her. It never has. Years +ago she and I got into the final at Hunstanton. She put me dead on the +green at the thirteenth, and I holed out. When I turned round to say +we were three up, she wasn't there. Eventually I found her looking for +her iron. She'd laid it down, to start on a daisy chain." + +"I only put it down for a second," protested Jill, "and you must admit +the daisies were simply huge." + +"What happened?" said Adele, bubbling. + +"The daisy chain won us the match. She was much more interested in the +former, and actually continued its fabrication between her shots." + +We passed to the next tee. + +As I was addressing the ball-- + +"Don't top it," said Jill. + +"Have I been topping them to-day?". + +"No, Boy. Only do be careful. I believe there's a lark's nest down +there, and it'd be a shame----" + +"There you are," said Jonah. + +"Now," said I, "I'm dead certain to top it." + +"Well, then, drive more to the right," said Jill. "After all, it's +only a game." + +"I'll take your word for it," said I. + +Of course, I topped the ball, but at the next hole my grey-eyed cousin +discovered that our caddie had a puppy in his pocket, so we won easily. + +As we made for the club-house-- + +"Only ten days to Christmas," said Adele. "Can you believe me?" + +"With an effort," said I. "It's almost too hot to be true." + +Indeed, it might have been a June morning. + +The valley was sleepy beneath the mid-day sun; the slopes of the +sheltering foot-hills looked warm and comfortable; naked but unashamed, +the woods were smiling; southward, a long flash spoke of the sunlit +peaks and the dead march of snow; and there, a league away, grey Pau +was basking contentedly, her decent crinoline of villas billowing about +her sides, lazily looking down on such a fuss and pother as might have +bubbled out of the pot of Revolution, but was, in fact, the hospitable +rite daily observed on the arrival of the Paris train. + +"I simply must get some presents," continued my wife. "We'll start +to-morrow." + +I groaned. + +"You can't get anything here," I protested. "And people don't expect +presents when you're in the South of France." + +"That's just when they do," said Adele. "All your friends consider +that it's a chance in a lifetime, and, if you don't take it, they never +forgive you." + +"Well, I haven't got any friends," said I. "So that's that. And you +used to tell me you had very few." + +"Ah," said Adele, "that was before we were engaged. That was to excite +your sympathy." + +I appealed to my cousins for support. + +"Nothing doing," said Jonah. "If you didn't want this sort of thing, +what did you marry for? For longer than I can remember you've seen +your brother-in-law led off like an ox to the shambles--he's there +now--financially crippled, and then compelled to tie up and address +innumerable parcels, for the simple reason that, when they're at the +shops Daphne's faculty of allotment invariably refuses to function." + +Jill slid an arm through her brother's, patted his hand affectionately, +and looked at Adele. + +"If Boy breaks down," she said sweetly, "I'll lend you my ox. He's +simply splendid at parcels." + +"You've got to find something to do up first," said I. "This isn't +Paris." + +A colour was lent to my foreboding within the hour. + +As we sat down to luncheon-- + +"Yes," said Berry, "my vixen and I have spent a delightful morning. +We've been through fourteen shops and bought two amethyst necklets and +a pot of marmalade. I subsequently dropped the latter in the Place +Royale, so we're actually twelve down." + +"Whereabouts in the Place Royale?" I inquired. + +"Just outside the Club. Everybody I knew was either going in or coming +out, so it went very well indeed." + +There was a gust of laughter. + +"N-not on the pavement?" whimpered Jill. + +"On the pavement," said Daphne. "It was dreadful. I never was so +ashamed. Of course I begged him to pick it up before it ran out. +D'you think he'd do it? Not he. Said it was written, and it was no +good fighting against Fate, and that he'd rather wash his hands of it +than after it, and that sort of stuff. Then Nobby began to lick it +up.... But for Fitch, I think we should have been arrested. +Mercifully, we'd told him to wait for us by the bandstand, and he saw +the whole thing." + +"It's all very fine," said her husband. "It was I who furnished and +suggested the use of the current issue of _Le Temps_, and, without +that, Fitch couldn't have moved. As it was, one sheet made a shroud, +another a pall, and Nobby's beard and paws were appropriately wiped +upon the ever-burning scandal of 'Reparations.'" + +"I gather," said Jonah, "that the dissolution of the preserve turned an +indifferent success into a howling failure. Of course, I haven't seen +the necklets but..." + +"I can't pretend it's easy," said Daphne. "It isn't that there aren't +any shops----" + +"No," said Berry emphatically, "it isn't that." + +"--but somehow... Still, if we go on long enough, we shall find +something." + +"That's it," said her husband. "We're going to put our backs into it +this afternoon. After we've done another twelve shops without buying +anything, we're going to have police protection. Not that we need it, +you know, but it'll improve my morale." + +"If only Sally was here," said Jill, "she could have told us where to +go." + +"If only her sailor would turn up," said Adele, "we might be able to +get all our presents from him." + +"That's an idea," said Jonah. "What was the merchant's name?" + +Amid a buzz of excitement, Daphne sent for the letter which had +announced Sarah Featherstone's departure from Pau. When it arrived, +she read the material portion aloud. + + +"_... George, can't get away, so Peter and I are going home for +Christmas. We'll be back the first week in January. I've told the +Marats that if Planchet (the sailor who sold me the shawl, etc.) turns +up before I get back, he's to be sent on to you. If he's got anything +extra-special that you're not keen on, you might get it for me..._" + + +"Well, I never thought I should live to say it," said Berry, "but, +after what I've gone through this morning, if Planchet were to totter +in this afternoon, laden with at once cheap and pretentious goods, I +should fall upon his bull neck." + +"Who," said I, "are the Marats?" + +"They're the married couple who run the flat. I believe they're +wonderful. Sally says she never knew what service was before." + +"I do hope," said Jill, twittering, "they don't make any mistake." + +"I've no fear of that," said Adele. "I can't answer for the man, +because we didn't see him, but Madame Marat's no fool." + +"Incidentally," said I, "it's one thing giving Planchet our address, +but it's quite another persuading him to fetch up. He may have other +sheep to shear." + +"We can only pray that he hasn't," said Daphne. "It's too much to +expect him to have another shawl, but I should like the first pick of +what he has." + +Berry regarded his wife. + +"If," he said, "you will swear to select from his wares all the +blinkin' presents with which you propose to signalise this Yuletide, +I'll--I'll tie them all up without a word." + +"Same here," said I. "Our gifts will cost us more, but we shall live +the longer." + +"Ditto," said Jonah. + +The girls agreed cheerfully, and, before luncheon was over, it had been +decided to give Planchet three days in which to make his appearance, +and that, if he had not arrived by that time, then and then only should +we resort to the shops. + +Less than an hour had elapsed, and we were just about to make ready to +take the air by the simple expedient of proceeding at a high speed in +the direction of Biarritz, when Falcon entered the room. + +"There's an individual, madam, 'as come to the door----" + +"Planchet? Is it Planchet?" + +"I'm afraid I can 'ardly say, madam, but 'e 'as this address upon a +piece of note-paper, madam, and----" + +"All right, Falcon, I'll come." + +The butler's valiant endeavours to cope with the heritage of Babel were +better known to us than he imagined. More than once his efforts to +extract from strangers that information which was his due, and at the +same time, like a juggler of many parts, to keep the balls of Dignity +and Courtesy rolling, had been overheard, and had afforded us +gratification so pronounced as to necessitate the employment of +cushions and other improvised gags if our faithful servant's feelings +were to come to no harm. + +"I'll go," said Jill and Adele simultaneously. + +We all went, and we were all just in time to see our visitor precede +the Sealyham in the direction of the lodge. + +Aghast at such ill-timed pleasantry, we erupted pellmell into the +drive, all frantic by word or deed to distract the terrier from his +purpose. Shrieks, curses, and a copy of _La Fontaine's Fables_ were +hurled simultaneously and in vain at our favourite, and it was Berry, +to whom the fear of further acquaintance with the emporiums of Pau must +have lent wings, who actually overtook and discomfited the pursuer some +three yards from the road. + +It was with feelings of inexpressible relief that we presently beheld +the three returning--Berry alternately rebuking the Sealyham, who was +under his arm, and apologising to his guest, the latter wide-eyed, +something out of breath, and anything but easy, and Nobby apparently +torn between an aggressively affectionate regard for his captor and a +still furiously expressed suspicion of the stranger within our gates. + +As the trio drew nigh-- + +"It is Monsieur Planchet," called Berry. "He's brought some things for +us to see. His man's behind with a barrow." + +With beating hearts we trooped back into the house.... + +As I returned from thrusting Nobby into a bedroom, Monsieur Planchet's +hireling staggered into the hall, a gigantic basket-trunk poised +precariously upon his hunched shoulders. + +The inspection was held in the drawing-room. + +It was rather late in the day to assume that nonchalant air which has, +from time immemorial, adorned the armouries of all accomplished +hucksters. + +Our instant recognition of the salesman, our energetic solicitude for +his safety, and our obvious anxiety to dissociate ourselves from the +policy of direct action adopted by the terrier, had not only betrayed, +but emphasised, the fact that the sailor's arrival was very much to our +taste. Clearly, if we did not wish to pay through the nose for what we +purchased, our only course was to feign disappointment when the wares +were produced. + +For what it was worth I circulated a covert recommendation of this +wile, which was acknowledged with sundry nods and inaudible +assurances--the latter, so far as Jill was concerned, too readily given +to inspire me with confidence. + +Sure enough, when the lid of the trunk was lifted, and Planchet plucked +forth a truly exquisite rug and flung it dexterously across a chair, my +grey-eyed cousin let out a gasp which an infant in arms could not have +misinterpreted. + +There was only one thing to be done, and Daphne did it. + +With a heroic disregard for her reputation, she shook her head. + +"Too bright," she said shortly. "Don't you think so?" she added, +turning to Berry. + +The latter swallowed before replying. + +"It's positively gaudy," he said gloomily. + +Planchet shrugged his shoulders and began to unfasten a bale.... + +By the time seven more Persian rugs--all old and all more than +ordinarily pleasing in design and colouring--were sprawling about the +chamber, any organised depreciation was out of the question. Where all +were so beautiful, it required a larger output of moral courage than +any one of us could essay to decry the whole pack. By way of doing his +or her bit, everybody decided to praise one or two to the implied +condemnation of the remainder. In the absence of collusion, it was +inevitable that those rugs which somebody had thus branded as goats +should invariably include somebody else's sheep. The result was that +every single rug had its following. A glance at their owner, who was +standing aside, making no offer to commend his carpets, but fingering +his chin and watching us narrowly with quick-moving eyes, showed that +he was solely engaged in considering how much he dared ask. + +I moved across to him. + +"You only come here twice a year?" I inquired. + +"That is so, _Monsieur_." + +"And how do you get these things? By barter?" + +"Yes, _Monsieur_." + +After a little encouragement, he explained that before each voyage he +laid in a stock of knives, gramophones, mirrors, trinkets, and the +like, these to exchange with the natives in the bazaars of the smaller +Eastern ports at which his ship touched. From Bordeaux he used to set +out, and to Bordeaux he as regularly returned. An aunt dwelling at Pau +was responsible for his selection of the town as a market for his +goods. I should not have taken him for a sailor, and said as much. +With a shy smile, he confessed that he was a steward, adding that he +was a landsman at heart, and that, but for the opportunities of trading +which his occupation presented he should go to sea no more. + +Suddenly-- + +"What else have you got?" said Daphne. + +Six panels of Chinese embroidery--all powder-blue and gold, 'laborious +Orient ivories,' a gorgeous hanging that had been the coat of a proud +mandarin, three Chinese mats, aged and flawless, a set of silken +doilies--each one displaying a miniature landscape limned with a +subtlety that baffled every eye--one by one these treasures were laid +before us. + +Even Jonah went down before the ivories. + +Ere the trunk was empty, we had, one and all, dropped our masks and +were revelling openly. + +"Now, isn't that beautiful?" "Sally's got a ball like that, but it +isn't so big." "It's just as well she's in Ireland, or we shouldn't +have had those mats." "You know, that rug on the chair's a devilish +fine one." "They all are." "Yes, but that--my dear fellow, it's the +sort of rug they put in the window and refuse to sell, because it's +such an advertisement." "I'll tell you what, if we had those panels +made into curtains, they'd look simply priceless in the drawing-room." +"Give me the ivories." + +It was Adele who pulled the check-string. + +"What's the price of this rug?" she said quietly. + +There was an expectant and guilty hush. + +With a careless flourish we had called the tune--clamoured for it.... +If the piper's fee was exorbitant, we had only ourselves to thank. + +Planchet hesitated. Then-- + +"Five hundred francs, _Madame_." + +Ten pounds. + +You could have heard a pin drop. + +The rug was worth sixty. In Regent Street or Fifth Avenue we should +have been asked a hundred. If this was typical of Planchet's prices, +no wonder Sally had plunged.... + +I took out a pencil and picked up a pad of notepaper. + +"And the other rugs?" I inquired. + +"The same price, _Monsieur_." + +The rugs went down. + +Slowly, and without a shadow of argument, the prices of the other +valuables were asked, received, and entered. + +With a shaking hand I counted up the figures--eight thousand six +hundred francs. + +I passed the paper to Berry. + +"Will you pay him?" I said. "I haven't got enough at the bank here, +and you can't expect him to take a foreign cheque." + +"Right oh!" + +"He may not want to part with them all at one house," said Daphne. +"You'd better ask him." + +Adele smiled very charmingly. + +"We like your pretty things very much," she said. "May we have what +you've shown us?" + +Planchet inclined his head. + +"As _Madame_ pleases." + +I crossed to where he was standing and went through my list, +identifying each article as I came to it, and making him confirm the +price. When we had finished, I insisted upon him checking my figures. +He did so with some show of reluctance. The total, seemingly, was good +enough. + +When the reckoning was over, I hesitated. + +Then-- + +"You know," I said slowly, "we'd have to pay much more than this in the +shops." + +It seemed only fair. + +Planchet spread out his hands. + +"_Monsieur_ is very kind: but for me, I should not obtain more from the +merchants. I know them. They are robbers. I prefer infinitely to +deal with you." + +"All right. You don't mind a cheque?" + +"A cheque, _Monsieur_?" + +"Yes, on the bank here. We haven't so much money in the house." + +The little man hesitated. Nervously the big brown eyes turned from me +to fall upon his possessions.... + +"That's all right," said Berry. "The bank's still open. Fitch can run +up in the car and get the money. He's probably had a dud cheque some +time or other. Anyway, considering he knows nothing of us, and Sally's +out of reach, I don't blame him." + +Such a way out of the difficulty was unanimously approved, and when I +communicated our intention to Planchet, the latter seemed greatly +relieved. It was not, he explained volubly, that he did not trust us, +but when a poor sailor produced such a cheque to a bank.... + +As Berry left to give the chauffeur his instructions-- + +"Last time you came," said Daphne, "you brought a beautiful shawl. +Mrs. Featherstone bought it." + +Planchet frowned thoughtfully. Then his face lighted with recollection. + +"Perfectly, _Madame_. I remember it. It was very fine. I have +another like it at home." + +My sister caught her breath. + +"For sale?" + +"If _Madame pleases_." Adele and Jill clasped one another. "I will +bring it to-morrow." + +With an obvious effort Daphne controlled her excitement. + +"I--we should like to have a look at it," she said. + +Planchet inclined his head. + +"To-morrow morning, _Madame_." + +Without more ado he packed up his traps, announced that, as he was +returning on the morrow, there was now no occasion for him to wait for +his money, and, thanking us profusely for our patronage and assuring us +that he was ever at our service, summoned his employee and withdrew +humbly enough. + +It was fully a quarter of an hour before the first wave of our pent-up +enthusiasm had spent itself. After a positive debauch of +self-congratulation, amicable bickering with regard to the precise +order of precedence in which an antiquary would place our acquisitions, +and breathless speculation concerning their true worth, we sank into +sitting postures about the room and smiled affectionately upon one +another. + +"And now," said Berry, "what about tying them up?" + +"What for?" said Jill. + +"Well, you can't send them through the post as they are." + +"You don't imagine," said Daphne, in the horrified tone of one who +repeats a blasphemy, "you don't imagine that we're going to give these +things away?" + +Berry looked round wildly. + +"D'you mean to say you're going to keep them?" he cried. + +"Of course we are," said his wife. + +"What, all of them?" + +My sister nodded. + +"Every single one," she said. + +With an unearthly shriek, Berry lay back in his chair and drummed with +his heels upon the floor. + +"I can't bear it!" he roared. "I can't bear it! I won't. It's +insufferable. I've parted with the savings of a lifetime for a whole +roomful of luxuries, not one of which, in the ordinary way, we should +have dreamed of purchasing, not one of which we require, to not one of +which, had you seen it in a shop, you would have given a second +thought, all of which are probably spurious----" + +"Shame!" cried Jill. + +"----only to be told that I've still got to prosecute the mutually +revolting acquaintance with infuriated shopkeepers forced upon me this +morning. It's cruelty to animals, and I shall write to the Y.M.C.A. +Besides, it's more blessed----" + +"I can't help it," said Daphne. "The man had absolutely nothing that +would have done for anybody. If----" + +"One second," said her husband. "I haven't parsed that sentence yet. +And what d'you mean by 'done for'? Because----" + +"If," Daphne continued doggedly, "we sent one of those rugs to someone +for Christmas, they'd think we'd gone mad." + +Berry sighed. + +"I'm not sure we haven't," he said. "Any way--" he nodded at Jonah and +myself--"I'll trouble each of you gents for a cheque for sixty pounds. +As it is, I shall have to give up paying my tailor again, and what with +Lent coming on..." Wearily he rose to his feet. "And now I'm going to +have a good healthy cry. Globules the size of pigeons' eggs will well +from my orbs." + +"I know," said Jill. "These things can be our Christmas presents to +one another." + +Berry laughed hysterically. + +"What a charming idea!" he said brokenly. "And how generous! I shall +always treasure it. Every time I look at my pass-book..." + +Overcome with emotion he stepped out of the room. + +A muffled bark reminded me that Nobby was still imprisoned, and I rose +to follow my brother-in-law. + +As I was closing the door, I heard my wife's voice. + +"You know, I'm simply pining to see that shawl." + + * * * * * + +At ten o'clock the next morning the most beautiful piece of embroidery +I have ever seen passed into our possession in return for the +ridiculously inadequate sum of two thousand francs. + +Obviously very old, the pale yellow silk of which the shawl was made +was literally strewn with blossoms, each tender one of them a work of +art. All the matchless cunning, all the unspeakable patience, all the +inscrutable spirit of China blinked and smiled at you out of those +wonderful flowers. There never was such a show. Daring walked +delicately. Daintiness was become bold. Those that wrought the +marvel--for so magnificent an artifice was never the work of one +man--were painters born--painters whose paints were threads of silk, +whose brushes, needles. Year after year they had toiled upon these +twenty-five square feet of faded silk, and always perfectly. The thing +was a miracle--the blazing achievement of a reachless ideal. + +Upon both lovely sides the work was identical: the knotted +fringe--itself bewildering evidence of faultless labour--was three feet +deep, and while the whole shawl could have been passed through a +bracelet, it scaled the remarkable weight of nearly six pounds. + +Daphne, Adele, and Jill with one voice declared that it was finer than +Sally's. As for Berry, Jonah, and myself, we humbly withdrew such +adverse criticism as we had levelled at the latter, and derived an +almost childish glee from the possession of its fellow. + +It was, indeed, our joy over this latest requisition that stiffened +into resolution an uneasy feeling that we ought to give Sally a slice +of our luck. + +After considerable discussion we decided to make her a present of the +three Chinese mats. She had bought three of Planchet upon his last +visit, and those we had just purchased would bring her set up to six. +Lest we should repent our impulse, we did them up there and then and +sent them off by Fitch the same afternoon. + + * * * * * + +Christmas was over and gone. + +In the three days immediately preceding the festival, such popularity +with the tradesmen of the town as we had forfeited was more than +redeemed at the expense, so far as I was concerned, of an overdraft at +the bank. Absurdly handsome presents were purchased right and left. +Adele's acquaintance was extremely wide. Observing that it was also in +every instance domiciled in the United States, with the density of a +male I ventured to point out that upon the day which my wife's presents +were intended to enrich, all of them would indubitably be lying in the +custody of the French postal authorities. Thereupon it was gently +explained to me that, so long as a parcel had been obviously posted +before Christmas, its contents were always considered to have arrived +"in time"--a conceit which I had hitherto imagined to be the property +of bookmakers alone. In short, from first to last, my wife was +inexorable. But for the spectacle of Berry and Jonah being +relentlessly driven along the same track, life would have lost its +savour. Indeed, as far as we three were concerned, most of the working +hours of Christmas Eve were spent at the post office. + +The registration of a postal packet in France is no laughing matter. +When a coloured form has to be obtained, completed, and deliberately +scrutinised before a parcel can be accepted, when there is only one +pen, where there are twenty-seven people in front of you--each with two +or more packages to be registered--when there is only one registration +clerk, when mental arithmetic is not that clerk's _forte_, when it is +the local custom invariably to question the accuracy first of the +postage demanded and then of the change received, when the atmosphere +of the post office is germane to poison-gas, and when, you are bearing +twelve parcels and leading a Sealyham, the act of registration and its +preliminaries are conducive to heart-failure. + +The miniature of herself, however, with which my wife presented me on +Christmas Day atoned for everything.... + +And now--Christmas was over and gone. + +The New Year, too, had come in with a truly French explosion of +merriment and good-will. + +It was, in fact, the fourth day of January, and, with the exception of +my cousins, who were upon the links, we were proceeding gingerly down +the Rue du Lycee, en route for Lourdes, when my sister gave a cry and +called upon me to stop. + +As I did so, I saw Mrs. Featherstone stepping towards us across the +open space which fronts the market. + +Berry climbed out of the dickey, and Adele and Daphne got out of the +car. + +As I followed them-- + +"Sally, my dear," said Daphne, "I never knew you were back." + +"I wasn't, till this morning," panted Sally. "I only arrived at eight. +For the last three hours I've been----" + +"Before you tell us anything," said Daphne, "we want to thank you. +Since you've been away, Planchet's been. He's sold us the most lovely +things I've ever seen. We're so grateful to you, we don't know what to +do." + +"Well, for goodness' sake," rejoined Sally, "insure them to-day. I've +just been cleaned out of everything I've got." + +"Cleaned out?" cried Daphne. "D'you mean to say you've been robbed?" + +"That's right," said Sally. "Peter and I got back this morning to find +the Marats gone and the place stripped. Of course, the furniture +belonging to the flat's there, but the only decent things were what I'd +added, and those have vanished." + +"Not all the things you got from Planchet?" + +"Rather," said Sally. "Shawl and everything. Jolly, isn't it?" + +"What an awful shame!" cried Adele. "But who's taken them? Not the +Marats?" + +"Must be," said Mrs. Featherstone. She nodded over her shoulder. +"I've just been to the police about it, but you know how hopeless they +are." + +"If I can do anything," said Berry, "you know I'd only be too happy..." + +"Thanks awfully," was the reply, "but to tell you the truth, I don't +see what there is to be done. As far as I can make out, they left +before Christmas, so they've got a pretty good start." + +"I'm terribly sorry," said I. "Of course I never saw the goods, but, +if they were anything like the things we bought, it's a cruel shame." + +Mrs. Featherstone laughed. + +"I do feel sore," she admitted. "The maddening part of it is, I meant +to take the shawl home to show George, and then, in the rush at the +last, I left it out." She turned to my sister. "And you know I +trusted that couple implicitly." + +"I know you did." + +"The queer thing is, they seem to have suffered one solitary pang of +remorse. Did I show you those Chinese mats I was so crazy about? +Well, after they'd gone, I suppose, their hearts smote them, because +they did the three up and sent them back." + +For a moment we looked at one another. + +Then-- + +"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Sally," said Daphne gently, "but you +mustn't give the brutes that credit. We sent you the mats as a +Christmas present." Sally knitted her brows. "They're not yours. We +bought them from Planchet. Directly I saw them, I thought how +beautifully they'd match yours, and we wanted you to have a set." + +Sally stared at her. + +"But I could have sworn-----" + +"I know," said Daphne. "It was because they were such a wonderful +match that we----" + +"What else did he sell you?" + +A sudden thought came to me, and I turned to catch Berry by the arm.... +As men in a film, he and I looked at one another with open mouths.... + +Sublimely unconscious. Daphne and Adele were reciting the list of our +treasures. + +Mrs. Featherstone heard them out solemnly. Then-- + +"And what," she said, "does Planchet look like?" + +It became Daphne's turn to stare. + +I moistened my lips. + +"Slight, dark, clean-shaven, large brown eyes, nervous manner, scar on +the left temple--_or am I describing Marat?_" + +Sally spread out her hands. + +"To the life," she said simply. + +There was a dreadful silence. + +At length-- + +"'Sold,'" I said slowly. "'By order of the trustees. Owner going +abroad.' Marat was with you when you bought them, of course? But what +a smart bit of work!" + +Sally covered her face and began to shake with laughter. Daphne and +Adele stared at her as if bewitched. + +At his third attempt to speak-- + +"Well, that's topping," said Berry. "And now will you come back and +get your things now, or shall we bring them over to-morrow? We've +taken every care of them." He sighed. "When I think," he added, +"that, but for my good offices, Nobby would have sent that treacherous +drawlatch away, not only empty, but with the modern equivalent of a +flea in his ear, I could writhe. When I reflect that it was I who +supported the swine's predilection for hard cash, I could scream. But +when I remember that ever since our purchase of the shawl, my wife has +never once stopped enumerating and/or indicating the many superiorities +which distinguish it from yours, I want to break something." He looked +round savagely. "Where's a grocer's?" he demanded. "I want some +marmalade." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +HOW BERRY MADE AN ENGAGEMENT, JILL A PICTURE, AND ADELE A SLIP OF SOME +IMPORTANCE + +A natural result of our traffic with Planchet was that we became +temporarily suspicious and careful to a fault. The horse had been +stolen. For the next three weeks we locked not only the stable door, +but every single door to which a key could be fitted--and suffered +accordingly. In a word, our convenience writhed. To complete our +discomfort, if ever one of us jibbed, the others were sure to lay the +lash about his shoulders. The beginning of the end arrived one fine +February day. + +An early breakfast had made us ready for lunch. As we were taking our +seats-- + +"Are the cars locked?" said Daphne. + +Adele held up a key. + +"Pong is," she said. + +My sister fumed to Jonah. + +"And Ping?" + +My cousin shook his head. + +"No," he said shortly. "I omitted the precaution. If this was Paris, +instead of Pau, if the cars were standing in an undesirable +thoroughfare, instead of in the courtyard of the English Club, if----" + +"It's all very well," said Daphne, "but you know what happened to the +Rolls." + +Berry frowned. + +"Any reference," he said, "to that distressing incident is bad for my +heart." He turned to Jonah. "As for you, you've lodged your protest, +which will receive the deepest consideration. I shall dwell upon it +during the soup. And now push off and lock the vehicle. I know Love +laughs at locksmiths, but the average motor-thief's sense of humour is +less susceptible." + +When his sister threw her entreaties into the scale, my cousin took the +line of least resistance and rose to his feet. + +"For converting a qualified blessing into an unqualified curse," he +said bitterly, "you three alarmists take the complete cracknel. Since +the locks were fitted, I've done nothing but turn the key from morning +till night. Before the beastly things were thought of, the idea of +larceny never entered your heads." + +The indignation with which his words were received would have been more +pronounced if we had had the room to ourselves. As it was, Jonah made +his way to the door amid an enraged murmur of expostulation, whose +temper was aggravated by suppression almost to bursting-point. + +There was much to be said for both points of view. + +It was a fact that since the theft of the Rolls we had never felt easy +about leaving a car unattended. Yet, though we had often discussed the +matter, nothing had been done. Now, however, that we were in a strange +country, where the tracing of a stolen car would, for a variety of +reasons, be an extremely difficult undertaking, and staying withal only +a handful of miles from the Spanish frontier, we all felt that action +of some sort must be taken without delay. + +An attempt to enlist the services of the Sealyham as a custodian had +failed ignominiously. In the first place, unless fastened, he had +flatly declined to stay with either of the cars. The expedient of +closing one of these altogether and leaving Nobby within had proved +quite as unsatisfactory and more humiliating. Had we been able to +eradicate from the dog's mind the conviction that he was being +wrongfully imprisoned, the result might have been different. As it +was, after barking furiously for five minutes, he had recourse to +reprisal and, hardly waiting to remove the paper in which it was +wrapped, devoured half a kilogramme of ripe Brie with a revengeful +voracity to which the condition of the interior of the car bore hideous +witness. Finally, when the urchin who was in our confidence, and had +engaged for the sum of five francs to endeavour to enter the car, +opened its door, the captive leaped out joyously and, after capering +with delight at his delivery, wiped his mouth enthusiastically upon a +tire and started on a reconnaissance of the neighbourhood in the hope +of encountering his gaolers. As for the car, our employee might have +driven it into the blue.... + +In the end, it was decided that a lock attached to the steering-column +would offer the best security. Accordingly, a device was sent for, +fitted to each of the cars, and proved. So far as we could see, there +was no fault in it. Once the key was withdrawn, the car concerned was +useless. It could be driven, certainly, but it could not be steered. +Indeed, short of getting it upon a trolley or taking 'the steering' +down, its asportation could not be compassed. + +New brooms sweep clean. + +Delighted with the realisation that theft could now be erased from the +list of terrors of motoring, the girls insisted upon the observance of +the new rite upon every possible occasion. As drivers of long +standing, Jonah and I found this eagerness hard to indulge. Use holds, +and, try as we would, it was absurdly difficult to remember to do as we +had never done before, whenever we evacuated a car. Often enough, as +now, it was a work of supererogation. + +Berry turned to me. + +"I observe," he said, "that for once you have not advanced your +opinion. Is this because you realise that it's valueless? Or won't +your mouth work?" + +"Jonah was right," said I. "Insurance has its advantages, but you +don't register every letter you post. The truth is, what little sense +of proportion you have is failing. Of course you're not as young as +you were, and then, again, you eat too much." + +"In other words," said my brother-in-law, "you attribute caution to the +advance of old age and gluttony. I see. To which of your physical +infirmities do you ascribe a superabundance of treachery and bile?" + +"That," said I, "is due to external influence. The sewer-gas of your +temperament----" + +"I refuse," said Berry, "to sit still and hear my soul compared to a +drain at the very outset of what promises to be a toothsome repast. It +might affect my appetite." + +I raised my eyebrows. + +"Needless anxiety again," I sighed. "I don't know what's the matter +with you to-day." + +"By the way," said Daphne, "I quite forgot. Did you cash your cheque?" + +"I did," said her husband. + +"What did they give you?" said Jill. + +"Fifty-three francs to the pound." + +"Fifty-_three_?" cried Daphne and Adele in horror-stricken tones. + +"Fifty-three francs dead. If I'd cashed it yesterday, as, but for your +entreaties, I should have done, I should have got fifty-six." + +"But when you found it was down, why didn't you wait?" + +"In the first place," retorted my brother-in-law, "it isn't down; it's +up. In the second place, I was down--to four francs twenty-five. In +the third place, to-morrow it may be up to fifty." + +"It's much more likely to go back to fifty-five." + +"My dear girl," said Berry, "with the question of likelihood the +movements of the comic Exchange have nothing to do. It's a law unto +itself. Compared with the Money Market of to-day, Monte Carlo's a +Sunday-school. I admit we'd have more of a show if we didn't get the +paper a day late.... Still, that makes it more sporting." + +"I don't see any sport in losing six hundred francs," said his wife. +"It's throwing away money." Here my cousin reappeared. "Jonah, why +did you let him do it?" + +"Do what?" said Jonah. + +"Cash such a cheque when the franc's dropped." + +"It hasn't," said Jonah. "It's risen." + +"How," piped Jill, "can it have risen when it's gone down?" + +"It hasn't gone down," said I. + +"But fifty-three's less than fifty-six." + +"Let me explain," said Berry, taking an olive from a dish. "You see +that salt-cellar?" + +"Yes," said Jill, staring. + +"Well, that represents a dollar. The olive is a franc, and this here +roll is a pound." He cleared his throat. "When the imports exceed the +exports, the roll rises"--up went his hand--"as good bread should. But +when the exports exceed the imports, or the President backs a winner, +or something, then the olive begins to soar. In a word, the higher the +fewer." + +Jill passed a hand across her sweet pretty brow. + +"But what's the salt-cellar got to do with it?" + +"Nothing whatever," said Berry. "That was to distract your attention." + +Jill choked with indignation. + +"I'll never ask you anything again," she said severely. "After all, if +you can't help yourself, it isn't likely you can help me. And, any +way, I wouldn't have been so silly as to go and cash a cheque when the +franc had gone down." + +"Up," said I relentlessly. + +"But how can it----" + +"Look here," said I. "Imagine that all the francs in the world have +turned into herrings." + +"What a joy shopping would be!" said Berry. + +"Yes," said Jill faithfully. + +"Well, on Monday you go and buy a pound's worth of herrings. Fish is +plentiful, so you get fifty-six." + +"Yes." + +"During the night herrings rise." + +"Get quite high," said Berry. "You have to get out of bed and put your +purse on the landing." + +Adele began to shake with laughter. + +"Yes," said Jill earnestly. + +"So that the next morning," I continued desperately, "when you come to +buy another pound's worth of herrings, you only get fifty-three." + +"That's right," said Berry. "And while you're trying to decide whether +to have one or two pounds, they turn into bananas. Then you _are_ +done." + +Jonah took up the cudgels. + +"It's perfectly simple," he said. "Think of a thermometer." + +Jill took a deep breath. + +Then-- + +"Yes," she said. + +"Well, on Monday you find it's fifty-six. On Tuesday you look at it +again, and find it's fifty-three. That means it's gone down, doesn't +it?" + +"Yes," said his sister hopefully. + +"Well, with the franc it's just the opposite. It means it's gone up." + +"Yes." + +"That's all," said Jonah brutally. + +Jill looked from him to Daphne and from Daphne to Adele--dazedly. The +former put a hand to her head. + +"My dear," she said, "I can't help you. Before they started +explaining, I had a rough idea of how the thing worked. Now I'm +confused for ever. If they are to be believed, in future we've got to +say 'up' when we feel inclined to say 'down.' But don't ask me why." + +She stopped to speak with a member who was leaving the room and had +come to pay his respects. After a word or two-- + +"Visitors' weather," he said. "Perfect, isn't it? But, I say, what a +fall in the franc! Three points in a day.... Never mind. It'll go up +again." + +He made his adieus and passed on. + +It was no good saying anything. + +A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country. + + * * * * * + +It was three days later that we were bowling along the road to Biarritz. + +The morning was full and good to look upon. Sun, sky, and air offered +the best they had. To match their gifts, a green and silver earth +strained at the leash of Winter with an eager heart. The valleys +smiled, high places lifted up their heads, the hasty Gave de Pau +swirled on its shining way, a laughing sash of snow-broth, and all the +countryside glowed with the cheerful aspect of a well-treated slave. + +Wide, straight, and level, the well-built road thrust through the +beaming landscape with a directness that took Distance by the throat. +The surface improving as we left Pau behind, I drew on the seven-league +boots--surreptitiously. Very soon we were flying.... With a steady +purr of contentment, Pong, tuned to a hair, swallowed the flashing +miles so easily that pace was robbed of its sting. + +A dot on the soft bullock-walk that edged the road grew with fantastic +swiftness into an ox-waggon, loomed for an instant life-size, and was +gone. A speck ahead leapt into the shape of a high-wheeled gig, jogged +for a moment to meet us, and vanished into space. A dolls'-house by +the wayside swelled into a villa ... a chateau ... a memory of tall +thin windows ranged in a white wall. The future swooped into the +present, only to be flicked into the past. The seven-league boots were +getting into their stride. + +Then came a level-crossing with the barriers drawn.... + +For a minute the lady responsible for the obstructions seemed uncertain +whether to withdraw them or no. After a long look up the line, +however, she decided against us and shook her head with a benevolent +smile. + +"_Le train arrive_," she explained. + +With a sigh, I stopped the engine and lighted a cigarette.... + +"What exactly," said Daphne, "did Evelyn say?" + +"That," said Berry, "as I have already endeavoured to point out, will +always remain a matter for conjecture. We addressed one another for +more than twenty minutes, but our possession of the line was disputed +effectively during the whole of that period." + +"Well, what did you hear her say?" + +"I heard her say 'Yes' twice, and 'Delighted,' and 'One o'clock.' I'm +almost certain that towards the end of our communion she said, 'Oh, +hell!' Having regard to the prevailing conditions, she may be +forgiven." + +Daphne sighed. + +"Well, I suppose she expects us," she said. "After all, that's the +main thing. You made her understand it was to-day, didn't you?" + +"That," was the reply, "remains to be seen. If I didn't, it's not my +fault. It's no good pretending that 'Wednesday's' a good word to +shout, but I made the most of it. I also said 'Woden's Day' with great +clarity, and '_Mardi_.'" + +"_Mardi?_" shrieked his wife. + +"Oh, much louder than that." + +"B-but that's _Tuesday_!" + +Berry started guiltily. + +"I--I mean '_Mercredi_,'" he said hurriedly. + +I began to shake with merriment. + +Suspiciously my sister regarded her husband. + +"Which did you say?" she demanded. + +"'_Mercredi_.'" + +"I don't believe a word of it," cried Daphne. "You said '_Mardi_.' +You know you did." + +Here a seemingly interminable freight-train started to lumber across +our path.... + +As the rumble began to die-- + +"I think," said I, "he must have got 'Wednesday' through. Otherwise +Evelyn would have rung up last night." + +Berry drew a case from his pocket and offered me a cigar. Then he +turned to my sister and protruded his tongue.... + +We had known Evelyn Fairie for years. It was natural that we should +wish to know Evelyn Swetecote. That wedlock could have diminished her +charm was not to be thought of. But we were forgivably curious to see +her in the married state and to make the acquaintance of the man whom +she had chosen out of so many suitors. Little knowing that we were at +Pau, Evelyn had written to us from Biarritz. In due season her letter +had arrived, coming by way of Hampshire. An answer in the shape of a +general invitation to lunch had brought not so much a refusal as a +definite counter-proposal that we should suggest a day and come to +Biarritz. In reply, the services of the telephone had been +requisitioned, and, if my brother-in-law was to be believed, Mrs. +Swetecote had been advised to expect us on Wednesday. + +In any event, expected or unexpected, here were we, all six, upon the +road--my wife and cousins in one car, and Daphne, Berry, and I within +the other. + +As we swung into the paved streets of Orthez-- + +"And when," said Berry, "when am I to drive?" + +"From Peyrehorade," I replied. + +"Oh. I suppose that's where the stones begin, or the road stops, or +something." + +I shook my head. + +"Not that I know of. And you can drive all the way back. But--well, +there's a hill or two coming, and--and I'd like just to take her so +far," I concluded lamely. + +But for my sister's presence, I would have told him the truth. This +was that I had bet Jonah that I could get from Orthez to Peyrehorade in +twenty minutes. The distance was exactly thirty kilometres, and the +road was perfect. There were no corners, and the bends were few. +There were hills, certainly; but these were straightforward enough and +could be taken, so to speak, in our stride. Moreover, there were no +cross-roads, and only two turnings worth thinking about. To some cars +the feat would have been nothing. Whether it was within the reach of +Ping and Pong remained to be seen.... + +As we left Orthez, I looked at my watch. + +Ten minutes to eleven. + +I laid hold of the wheel.... + +To this hour I cannot tell why Daphne did not exercise the prerogative +of a passenger and protest against the pace. But neither at the time +or thereafter did she so much as mention it. Berry confessed later +that he had been frightened to death. + +Three kilometres out, there was a bend, and the needle of the +speedometer, which, after rising steadily, had come to rest against the +stop, retreated momentarily to record fifty-five.... We sang past a +wayside farm, dropped into a valley, soared up the opposite side, +flashed in and out of an apparently deserted village, shot up a long +incline, and slowed up for a curve.... Then some poultry demanded +consideration. As we left them behind, the agitation of two led horses +necessitated a still further reduction of speed. We lost such time as +I had made, and more also. Still, we were going downhill, and, as if +impatient of the check, the car sprang forward.... We rose from the +bottom with the smooth rush of a non-stop elevator. As we breasted the +rise, I saw another and steeper dale before us. The road was becoming +a switchback.... + +At the top of the opposite hill was a big grey cabriolet coming towards +us. At the foot was a panting lorry going our way. An approaching +Ford was about to pass it. The cabriolet and Pong fell down their +respective slopes.... + +The Ford was abreast of the lorry, and the cabriolet was prepared to +pass the two when we arrived. It was a question of giving way--at +least, it ought to have been. It was, however, too late. Happily, +there was more room than time at our disposal--a very little more. +There was no time at all.... + +For one never-to-be-forgotten instant there were four vehicles in a +row. I doubt if an ordinary matchbox could have been passed between +our near-side running-board and that of the cabriolet. I could +certainly have touched the lorry, had I put out my hand.... + +Then we swept on and up and over the crest. + +Thereafter all was plain sailing. + +As we ran into Peyrehorade, I glanced at my watch. + +I had lost my bet by about a quarter of a minute. But for the led +horses, we should have run to time.... + +Upon one matter we were all agreed, and that was that the driver of the +grey cabriolet was going much too fast. + +So soon as we had passed through the town, Berry and I changed places. +Almost immediately the road deteriorated. Its fine straightforward +rolling nature was maintained: the surface, however, was in tatters.... + +After ten kilometres of misery, my brother-in-law slowed up and +stopped. Then he turned to me. + +"Have you ever driven upon this road (sic) before?" + +I shook my head. + +"Well, you can start now," was the reply. "I'm fed up, I am. I'd +rather drive on the beach." With that he opened his door. "Oh, and +give me back that cigar." + +"Courage," I said, detaining him. "It can't last." + +"Pardon me," said Berry, "but it can last for blistering leagues. I +know these roads. Besides, my right knee's getting tremulous." + +"It's quite good practice," I ventured. + +"What for?" was the bitter reply. "My future estate? Possibly. I +have no doubt that there it will be my blithesome duty continually to +back a charabanc with a fierce clutch up an interminable equivalent of +the Eiffel Tower. At present----" + +"And you were driving so beautifully," said his wife. + +"What--not with _finesse_?" said her husband. + +"Rather," said I. "Ginger, too." + +"What d'you mean--'ginger'?"--suspiciously. + +"Determination," said I hurriedly. + +"Not the b-b-bull-dog b-b-breed?" + +"The same," said I. "All underhung. +'Shove-me-and-I'll-shove-your-face' sort of air. It was most +noticeable." + +Berry slammed the door and felt for the self-starter.... + +As we bucketed down the next slope-- + +"I only wish," he said, "that we could encounter the deceitful monger +responsible for including this road among _les grands itineraires_. I +can stand pot-holes, but the remains of a railway platform which might +have been brought from one of what we know as 'the stricken areas,' +laid, like linoleum, upon a foot of brickdust, tend to make you gird at +Life. Incidentally, is this fast enough for you? Or are your livers +still sluggish?" + +"I think," said I, nodding at a huge pantechnicon, "that we might pass +the furniture." + +I know no horn whose note is at once so compelling and offensive as +that of the usher with which Pong was equipped. I know no din at once +so obliterative and brain-shaking as that induced by the passage of a +French pantechnicon, towed at a high speed over an abominable road. +That the driver of the tractor failed to hear our demand was not +remarkable. That he should have elected to sway uncertainly along the +very crown of the road was most exasperating.... + +Three times did Berry essay to push by; three times at the critical +moment did the tractor lurch drunkenly across our bows; and three times +did Pong fall back discomfited. The dust, the reek, the vibration, the +pandemonium, were combining to create an atmosphere worthy of a place +in the Litany. One's senses were cuffed and buffeted almost to a +standstill. I remember vaguely that Daphne was clinging to my arm, +wailing that "it was no good." I know I was shouting. Berry was +howling abusive incoherence in execrable French.... + +We were approaching the top of a hill.. + +Suddenly the tractor swung away to its right. With a yell of triumph, +my unwitting brother-in-law thrust at the gap.... Pong leapt forward. + +Mercifully there was a lane on the left, and I seized the wheel and +wrenched it round, at the same time opening the throttle as wide as I +dared. I fancy we took the corner on two wheels. As we did so, a pale +blue racer streaked by our tail-lamp with the roar of an avalanche. + +When Daphne announced that, if she reached Biarritz alive, she should +drive home with Jonah, I was hardly surprised. + +It was perhaps an hour later that, after passing grey-headed Bayonne, +we came to her smart little sister and the villa we sought. + +The great lodge-gates were open, but Ping was without in the road, +while Jonah was leaning languidly against the wall. As we slowed up, +he took his pipe from his mouth. + +"I shouldn't drive in," he said. "They're out. Won't be back before +six, the servants say." + + * * * * * + +Black as was the evidence against him, my brother-in-law stoutly +refused to be held responsible for the affair. All the way to the +Hotel du Palais he declared violently that the engagement had been well +and truly made, and that if Evelyn and her husband chose to forget all +about it, that was no fault of his. Finally, when Jonah suggested that +after luncheon we should return to the villa and inquire whether we had +indeed been expected the day before, he assented with disconcerting +alacrity. As we passed into the restaurant-- + +"And I'll do the interrogating," he concluded. "I don't want any of +your leading questions. 'I quite expect we were expected yesterday, +weren't we?' All sweet and slimy, with a five-franc note in the middle +distance." + +"How dare you?" said Daphne. "Besides, I'd be only too relieved to +find it was their mistake." + +"Blow your relief," replied her husband. "What about my bleeding +heart?" + +"I'm not much of a physician," said I, "but there's some cold stuffed +venison on the sideboard. I don't know whether that, judiciously +administered...." + +Berry shook his head. + +"I doubt it," he said mournfully. "I doubt it very much.... +Still"--he looked round hungrily--"we can always try." + +We were at the villa again within the hour. + +Almost immediately we elicited the information that Major and Mrs. +Swetecote had spent the previous day at San Sebastian. + +Turning a withering and glassy eye in our direction, my brother-in-law +explained the position and desired permission to enter and write a +note. This was granted forthwith. + +My sister and I followed him into a pleasant salon meekly enough. When +he had written his letter, he read it to us with the air of a cardinal. + + +_DEAR EVELYN,_ + +"LEST WE FORGET." + +_Yes, I know. But you should be more careful. Old friends like us, +too. Disgraceful, I call it. To have been unprepared to receive us +would have been bad enough, but to be actually absent from home.... +Well, as Wordsworth says, that's bent it._ + +_When I tell you that, in the belief that she was to enjoy a free +lunch, my beloved yoke-fellow, who is just now very hot upon economy, +forewent her breakfast and arrived upon your threshold faint and +ravening, you will conceive the emotion with which she hailed the +realization that that same hunger which she had encouraged could only +be appeased at an expensive hotel._ + +_But that is nothing._ + +_To bless your married life, I have hustled a valuable internal +combustion engine over one of the vilest roads in Europe, twice risked +a life, the loss of which would, as you know, lower half the flags in +Bethnal Green, and postponed many urgent and far more deserving calls +upon my electric personality. I was, for instance, to have had my hair +cut._ + +_Worse._ + +_Upon hearing of your absence, the unnatural infidel above referred to +charged this to my account. As is my humble wont, I bent my head to +the storm, strong in the fearless confidence that France is France, and +that, late as we were, the ever-open bar would not be closed._ + +"Tell me more of yourself," I hear you say. + +_That may not be, che-ild._ + +_For one thing, that venison has made me sleepy. Secondly, I am just +off to find a suitable and sheltered grove, within sound of the +Atlantic, where I may spend an hour in meditation. Thirdly, I live for +others._ + +_Jonah wants to know if your husband can play golf. He does, of +course. But can he?_ + + _Your dear old friend, + BERRY._ + +_P.S.--D'you happen to know who owns a large grey cabriolet with a +"G.B." plate? I imagine it lives at Biarritz. Anyway, they ought to +be prosecuted. Driving about the country like a drunken hornet. +Mercifully we were crawling. Otherwise ... I tell you, it made my +b-b-blood b-b-boil. Not at the time, of course._ + + * * * * * + +The pine woods were wholly delightful. + +The lisp of the wind among the branches, the faint thunder of the +Atlantic, the soft sweet atmosphere showed us a side of Biarritz which +we should have been sorry to miss. By rights, if music and perfume +have any power, we should have fallen asleep. The air, however, +prevented us. Here was an inspiriting lullaby--a sleeping-draught +laced with cordial. We plucked the fruit from off the Tree of +Drowsiness, ate it, and felt refreshed. Repose went by the board. We +left the cars upon the road and went strolling.... + +"D'you think you could get me that spray?" said Jill suddenly. + +In my cousin's eyes flora have only to be inaccessible to become +desirable. Remembering this, I did as Berry and Jonah were +doing--stared straight ahead and hoped very hard that she was not +speaking to me. + +"Boy!" + +"Yes, dear?" + +"D'you think you could...?" + +By the time I had torn my trousers, strained my right shoulder, sworn +three times, and ruined the appearance of my favourite brogues, the +others were out of sight. + +"Thanks awfully, Boy. You are good to me. And that'll look lovely in +the drawing-room. The worst of it is, this stuff wilts almost at once." + +"Seems almost a shame to have picked it," I said grimly, "doesn't it?" + +"It does really," Jill agreed. "Never mind," she added cheerfully, +slipping an arm through mine. "It was my fault." + +Subduing a desire to lie down on my back and scream, I relighted my +pipe, and we strolled forward. + +A country walk with Jill is never dull. + +To do the thing comfortably, you should be followed by a file of +pioneers in marching order, a limbered waggon, and a portable pond. +Before we had covered another two hundred yards, I had collected three +more sprays, two ferns, and a square foot of moss--the latter, much to +the irritation of its inhabitants, many of whom refused to evacuate +their homes and therefore accompanied us. I drew the line at frogs, on +the score of cruelty to animals, but when we met one about the size of +a postage stamp, it was a very near thing. Finally, against my advice, +my cousin stormed a bank, caught her foot in an invisible wire, and +fell flat upon her face. + +"There now!" I cried testily, dropping our spoils and scrambling to her +assistance. + +"I'm not a bit hurt," she cried, getting upon her feet. "Not a scrap. +And--and don't be angry with me, Boy. Jonah's been cross all day. He +says my skirt is too short. And it isn't, is it?" + +"Not when you don't fall down," said I. "At least--well, it is rather, +isn't it?" + +Jill put her feet together and drew the cloth close about her silk +stockings. It fell, perhaps, one inch below her knees. For a moment +she regarded the result. Then she looked up at me and put her head on +one side.... + +I have grown up with Jill. I have seen her in habits, in ball-dresses, +in dressing-gowns. I have seen her hair up, and I have seen it tumbled +about her shoulders. I have seen her grave, and I have seen her gay. +I have seen her on horseback, and I have seen her asleep. But never in +all my life shall I forget the picture which at this moment she made. + +One thick golden tress, shaken loose by her fall, lay curling down past +the bloom of her cheek on to her shoulder. The lights in it blazed. +From beneath the brim of her small tight-fitting hat her great grave +eyes held mine expectantly. The stars in them seemed upon the edge of +dancing. Her heightened colour, the poise of her shapely head, the +parted lips lent to that exquisite face the air of an elf. All the +sweet grace of a child was welling out of her maidenhood. Her +apple-green frock fitted the form of a shepherdess. Her pretty grey +legs and tiny feet were those of a fairy. Its very artlessness trebled +the attraction of her pose. Making his sudden way between the boughs, +the sun flung a warm bar of light athwart her white throat and the +fallen curl. Nature was honouring her darling. It was the accolade. + +I could have sworn that behind me somebody breathed "Madonna!" but +although I swung round and peered into the bushes, I could see no one. + +"When you've quite done," said Jill. Clearly she had noticed nothing. + +I returned to my cousin. + +"Yes," I said, "it's too short. Just a shade. As for you, you're much +too sweet altogether. Something'll have to be done about it. You'll +be stolen by fairies, or translated, or inveigled into an engagement, +or something." + +Jill let her dress go and flung her arms round my neck. + +"You and Berry and Jonah," she said, "are far too sweet to me. And---- +Oh, I can see myself in your eye, Boy. I can really." For a moment +she stared at the reflection. "I don't think I look very nice," she +added gravely. "However..." She kissed me abstractedly and started to +fix the tress errant. "If Jonah asks you, don't say it's too short. +It's not good for him. I'll have it lengthened all right." + +For the second time I began to relight my pipe... + +After examining the scene of her downfall, the witch caught at a slip +of a bough and swung herself athletically to the top of the bank. +Thence she turned a glowing face in my direction. + +"No, I shan't, after all," she announced. "It's much too convenient." + +Twenty minutes later we reached the point from which we had set out. + +Adele was awaiting us with Ping. + +As soon as we saw her-- + +"Good Heavens!" cried Jill. "I quite forgot you were married. You +ought to have been with Adele." She ran to the car. "Adele darling, +what do you think of me?" + +"I am blind," said Adele, "with jealousy. Anyone would be. And now +jump in. Berry has taken the others to look at La Barre, and we're to +follow them." + +Such of the landscape as I was bearing was thereupon bestowed in the +boot, I followed my cousin into the car, and a few minutes later we +were at the mouth of the Adour. Here we left Ping beside Pong, and +proceeded to join three figures on the horizon, apparently absorbed in +the temper of a fretful sea. + +As we tramped heavily over the shingle-- + +"You're not cross with me, Adele?" + +"Why should I be, darling?" + +"Well, you see," panted Jill, "I've known him so long, and he's still +so exactly the same, that I can't always remember----" + +"That he's not your property?" said my wife. "But he is, and always +will be." + +Jill looked at her gravely. + +"But he's yours," she said. + +Adele laughed lightly. + +"Subjects marry, of course," she said, smiling, "but they've only one +queen." + +Which, I think, was uncommon handsome. + +Any way, I kissed her slight fingers.... + +As we reached our companions-- + +"I could stay here for ever," said Berry. "Easily. But I'm not going +to. The wind annoys me, and the sea's not what it was before the War." + +"How can you?" said Daphne. She stretched out a pointing arm. "Just +look at that one--that great big fellow. It must be the ninth wave." + +"Nothing to the York Ham--I mean the Welsh Harp--on a dirty night," +replied her husband. "Why, I remember once ..." + +In the confusion of a precipitate retreat before the menace of the +roller, the reminiscence was lost. + +It was certainly a magnificent spectacle. + +There was a heavy sea running, and the everlasting battle between the +river and the Atlantic was being fought with long swift spasms of +unearthly fury. Continually recurring, shock, mellay and rally +overlapped, attack and repulse were inextricably mingled, the very +lulls between the paroxysms were big with wrath. There was a point, +too, where the river's bank became coastline, a blunt corner of land, +which seemed to exasperate the sea out of all reason. A stiff breeze +abetting them, the gigantic waves crashed upon it with a concussion +that shook the air. All the royal rage of Ocean seemed to be +concentrated on this little prominence. The latter's indifference +appeared to aggravate its assailant. Majesty was in a tantrum. + +With the exception of Berry, we could have watched the display till, as +they say, the cows come home. My brother-in-law, however, felt +differently. The wind was offending him. + +After a violent denunciation of this element-- + +"Besides," he added, "we ought to be getting back. It's nearly +half-past three, and if we're to avoid the playground of the Tanks and +return by Bidache, we shall be longer upon the road." + +"Well, you go on," said Daphne. "Ask Adele nicely, first, if she'll +take my place, and then if she minds starting now." + +"Fair lady," he said, + + "_The vay ith long, the vind ith cold, + It maketh me feel infernal old._" + + +"I'm sorry," said Adele hurriedly, "but I've left my purse at home. +Try my husband." + +Berry put on his hat, cocked it, and turned to me. + +"D'you want a thick ear?" he demanded. "Or will you go quietly?" + +"A little more," I retorted, "and you ride in the dickey." + +Ten minutes later Pong was sailing into the outskirts of Bayonne. + +To emerge from the town upon the Briscous road proved unexpectedly +hard. The map insisted that we should essay a dark entry, by the side +of which a forbidding notice-board dared us to come on.... Adele and I +pored over the print, while out of our bickering Berry plucked such +instructions as his fancy suggested, and, alternately advancing and +retiring, cruised to and fro about a gaunt church. After a while we +began to ask people, listen carefully to their advice, thank them +effusively, and then demonstrate to one another that they were +certainly ignorant and probably hostile. + +At length-- + +"How many times," inquired Berry, "did they walk round Jericho before +the walls went?" + +"Thirteen, I think," said Adele. "Why?" + +"Oh, nothing," was the reply. "Only, if you aren't quick, we shall +have this church down. Besides, I'm getting giddy." + +"Then show some initiative," I retorted. + +"Right," said Berry, darting up a side-street. + +Calling upon him to stop, Adele and I fought for the map.... A sudden +lurch to the left flung us into the corner, whence, before we had +recovered our equilibrium, a violent swerve to the right returned us +pell-mell. At last, in response to our menaces, Berry slowed up before +a sign-post. + +Its legend was plain. + + BRISCOUS 10 + + +We stared at it in silence. Then we stared at one another. Finally we +stared at Berry. The latter spread out his hands and shrugged his +shoulders. + +"Instinct," he said. "Just instinct. It's very wonderful. +Hereditary, of course. One of my uncles was a water-waste preventer. +With the aid of a cricket-bat and a false nose, he could find a swamp +upon an empty stomach. They tried him once, for fun, at a +garden-party. Nobody could understand the host's uneasiness until, +amid a scene of great excitement, my uncle found the cesspool under the +refreshment marquee." + +Eventually we persuaded him to proceed. + +For a while the going was poor, but after we had passed Briscous all +cause for complaint vanished. Not only was the surface of the road as +good as new, but the way itself, was winsome. The main road to +Peyrehorade could not compare with it. At every twist and turn--and +there were many--some fresh attraction confronted us. The countryside, +shy of the great highways, crept very close. We slipped up lanes, ran +side by side with brooks, brushed by snug cottages. Dingles made bold +to share with us their shelter, hill-tops their sweet prospects, +hamlets their quiet content. + +An amazing sundown set our cup brimming. + +That this might run over, Bidache itself gave us a chateau--ruined, +desolate, and superb. There is a stateliness of which Death holds the +patent: and then, again, Time can be kind to the dead. What Death had +given, Time had magnified. Years had added to the grey walls a peace, +a dignity, a charm, such as they never knew while they were kept. The +grave beauty of the place was haunting. We passed on reluctantly.... + +A quarter of an hour later we ran into Peyrehorade. + +Here Adele relieved my brother-in-law and, encouraged by the promise of +a late tea, made the most of the daylight. + +Eighty minutes later we slid into Pau. + +As we swept up the drive of our villa-- + +"Well," said Berry, "I must confess it's been a successful day. If +we'd lunched with Evelyn, we should have missed that venison, and if +the main road hadn't been vile, we should have missed Bidache. Indeed, +provided no anti-climax is furnished by the temperature of the +bath-water, I think we may congratulate ourselves." + +Adele and I agreed enthusiastically. + +Falcon met us in the hall with a note and a telephone message. + +The first was from Mrs. Swetecote. + + +_DEAREST DAPHNE,_ + +_How awful of you! Never mind. I know how terribly easy it is to +forget. And now you must come over to us instead. Falcon insisted +that you would wish us to have lunch, so we did--a jolly good one, too. +And Jack smoked one of Berry's cigars, and, of course, we both lost our +hearts to Nobby. In fact, we made ourselves thoroughly at home._ + + _Your loving + EVELYN._ + +_P.S.--Try and find out who's staying at Pau with a blue all-weather +coupe. They went by us to-day like a flash of lightning. Fortunately +we were going dead slow, so it was all right. But they ought to be +stopped._ + + +The second was from Jonah. + + +As rendered by Falcon, it ran:-- + +"Captain Mansel's compliments, sir, and, as Mrs. Adele Pleydell was the +last to drive Ping, 'e thinks _she must 'ave 'is key_.... And as +Love's the honly thing as laughs at locksmiths, sir, will you kindly +return this forthwith.... I asked Captain Mansel where 'e'd like you +to meet 'im, sir, but 'e said _you'd_ know." + + +From Pau to La Barre is seventy miles--as near as 'damn it.' + + * * * * * + +I covered the distance alone. All the way a memory kept whispering +above the rush of the tires.... 'Madonna!'.... 'Madonna!'... + + + + +CHAPTER V + +HOW LOVE CAME TO JILL, HERBERT TO THE RESCUE, AND A YOUNG MAN BY HIS +RIGHT + +A week of fine days had slipped by. Most of these we had spent upon +the open road. For fifty miles about Pau we had proved the countryside +and found it lovely. This day we had determined to fare farther +afield. Perhaps because of this decision, Trouble had peered out of +the bushes before we had gone twenty miles. + +Had we, however, been advised to expect a puncture and requested to +select the venue, we could not have chosen a more delightful spot. + +Immediately upon our right there was a garden, trim and pleasing as the +farmhouse it served. Stretched in the gateway lay a large white hound, +regarding us sleepily. Beyond, on the greensward, a peacock preened +himself in the hot sunshine. On the left, a wayside bank made a +parapet, and a score of lime-trees a sweet balustrade. A glance +between these natural balusters turned our strip of metalling into a +gallery. The car, indeed, was standing upon the edge of a brae. +Whether this fell sheer or sloped steeply could not be seen, for the +first thing which the down-looking eye encountered was a vast plain, +rich, sun-bathed, rolling, three hundred feet below. North, south, and +east, as far as the sight could follow, was stretching Lilliput. +Meadows and poplars and the flash of streams, steadings and villages, +coppices, flocks and curling roads glinted or glowed in miniature. +Close on our right two toy towers stood boldly up to grace a townlet. +Due east a long, straight baby avenue led to a midget city. Northward +a tiny train stole like a snail into the haze of distance. Far to the +south the mountains, blurred, snowy, ethereal, rose like a beckoning +dream to point the fairy tale. + +It was only when we had gloated upon the prospect for several minutes, +identified the townlet as Ibus and the city as Tarbes, and, taking out +powerful binoculars, subjected the panorama to a curious scrutiny, +which might have shattered the illusion, but only turned Lilliput into +Utopia, that we pulled ourselves together and started to consider our +plight. + +This was not serious. A tire was flat, certainly, but we had two spare +wheels. + +I drew a sou from my pocket and spun it into the air. + +"I maintain," said Berry, "that the obverse will bite the dust." + +The coin tinkled to a settlement, and we both stooped to read our +respective fates.... + +A moment later, with a self-satisfied grin, I climbed back into the +car, whilst Berry removed his coat with awful deliberation. + +Jill was in possession of the paper, so I lighted a cigarette and +turned up Tarbes in the guide-book.... + +"Just listen to this," said my cousin suddenly. + +"_Of the four properties, the villa Irikli is the most notable. A +well-known traveller once styled it 'the fairest jewel in Como's +diadem.' Occupying one of the choicest situations on the famous lake, +surrounded by extensive gardens, the varied beauty of which beggars +description, the palace--for it is nothing less--has probably excited +more envy than any dwelling in Europe...._ + +"Then it speaks about the house.... Wait a minute.... Here we are + +"_The heavily-shaded lawns, stretching to the very edge of the lake, +the magnificent cedars, the sunlit terraces, the cascades, the chestnut +groves, the orange and lemon trellises, the exquisite prospects, go to +the making of a veritable paradise._" + +"Doesn't that sound maddening?" + +"It does, indeed," I agreed. "Whose is it?" + +"I don't know," said Jill absently, staring into the distance. "But I +can just see it all. Fancy living there, and going out before +breakfast over the lawns to bathe..." + +Idly I took the paper out of her hand. + +From this it appeared that the property had belonged to the Duke of +Padua. Reading further, I found that the latter's whole estate had, +upon his death nine months ago, become the subject of an action at law. +The deceased's legitimacy, it seemed, had been called in question. +To-day the Appeal Court of Italy was to declare the true heir.... + +As I laid down the sheet-- + +"Somebody," I said, "will drink champagne to-night." + +"Oranges and lemons," murmured Jill. "Cascades...." + +A vicious grunt from below and behind suggested that my brother-in-law +was standing no nonsense. + +I settled myself in my corner of the car, tilted my hat over my nose, +and closed my eyes.... + +The sound of voices aroused me. + +"...your silly eyes. Didn't you hear me say '_Non_'? _NONG_, man, +_NONG_! You'll strip the blinkin' thread.... Look here...." + +"_A-a-ah! Oui, oui, Monsieur. Je comprends, je comprends._" + +"You don't listen," said Berry severely. "That's what's the matter +with you. Valuable car like this, too." + +Jill buried her face in my sleeve and began to shake with laughter. +"_Alors, en avant, mon brave. Mettez y votre derriere._ Oh, very hot, +very hot." + +"_C'est bien ca, Monsieur?_" + +"Every time," said Berry. "Now the next.... _D'abord avec les +doigts_.... That's enough, fathead. What's the brace done?" + +"_Mais, Monsieur----_" + +"_Si vous disputez,_" said Berry gravely, "_vous ne l'aurez pas +seulement ou le poulet a recu la hache, mais je n'aurai pas de choix +mais de vous demander de retourner a vos b-b-b-boeufs._" + +"_Pardon, Monsieur._" + +"Granted, Herbert, granted," was the airy reply. "But you must take +off that worried look. _Ca me rappelle la maison des singes.... Oh, +terrible, terrible. Et le parfum_.... My dear Herbert, _il frappe +l'orchestre_.... And now, suppose we resume our improvement of the +working day." + +Except for the laboured breathing of Herbert, the remaining bolts were +affixed in silence. + +"_Bien,_" said Berry. "_Maintenant le_ jack. I trust, Herbert, that +you have a supple spine. _Voici. Tournez, mon ami, tournez.... Now, +non, NONG!_ You bull-nosed idiot! _A gauche!_" + +"_A-a-ah! Oui, oui, Monsieur! A gauche, a gauche._" + +"All right," said Berry. "I said it first. It's my brain-wave.... +That's right. Now pull back--_tirez_. _Bon_. Now shove it _ici, dans +la bottine_.... And must you kneel upon the wing, Herbert? Must you? +A-a-ah! Get off, you clumsy satyr!" + +A yell of protest from Herbert suggested that Berry's protest had been +reinforced _vi et armis_. + +"_Non, non, Monsieur! Laissez-moi tranquil. Je ne fais quo ce que +vous commandez...._" + +"Dog," said my brother-in-law, "you lie! Never mind. Pick up that +wheel instead. _Prenez la roue, Herbert_.... _C'est bien. Alors, +attachez-la ici._ Yes, I know it's heavy, but _ne montrez pas la +langue_. _Respirez par le nez, man_. And don't stagger like that. It +makes me feel tired.... So. Now, isn't that nice? Herbert, my Son, +_void la fin de votre travail_." + +"_C'est tout, Monsieur?_" + +"_C'est tout, mon ami_. Should you wish to remember me in your +prayers, _je suis le Comte Blowfly, du Rat Mort, Clacton-on-Sea_. +Telegraphic address, Muckheap. And there's ten francs towards your +next shave." + +"_Oh, Monsieur, c'est trop gentil. J'ai ete heureux----_" + +"_Pas un mot_, Herbert. Believe me, it's cheap at the price. What's +more, _je suis enchante d'avoir fait votre connaissance_." + +"_A votre service, Monsieur._" + +"Itch Deen," said Berry. "Itch Deen. And if ever one of your bullocks +bursts and you have to put in a new one, I only trust I shall be out of +earshot. _Au revoir, mon ami. Ne faites-pas attention au monsieur +avec le nez rouge dans l'auto. Il est grise._" + +The reverent look with which Herbert favoured me, as he returned to his +oxen, I shall never forget. Clearly, to be in the arms of Dionysus by +eleven o'clock in the morning was arguing at once an affluence and a +discretion which were almost sacred. + +"Ah," said Berry, making his appearance, "you're awake, are you? I've +just finished. Herbert's been watching me. Have you got the +beer-opener there? It's--it's tiring work." + +"What is?" said I grimly. "Instructing?" + +"That's it," said my brother-in-law. "I explained as I went along. +Herbert was most interested. A little dense, you know, but such a nice +fellow. He thinks the world of you. Now, I think the beer-opener's in +the left-hand----" + +"In you get," said I, starting the engine. "Philanthropy and beer +don't go together." + +With his foot upon the step, Berry regarded me. + +"I should like Herbert's ruling on that," he said. "Besides, I've got +a thirst which is above rubies." + +"Think what it'll be like by lunch-time," said Jill. "Besides," she +added, searching for her bag, "I've got some acid drops somewhere." + +With an unearthly shriek Berry clawed at his temples.... For a moment +he rocked to and fro agonisedly. Then he climbed heavily into the car. + +As he sank back against the cushions-- + +"Murderess," he said. "And it was the best I've had since Egypt." + + * * * * * + +Two hours later we ran into Montrejeau, crept by its exquisite +market--roofed and pillared and carrying its four hundred years as they +were forty--dropped down a wicked hill, and swept over an infant +Garonne on to the Luchon road. + +Before we had covered five kilometres we sighted our goal. + +'A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.' + +Out of the blowing meadows rose up an eminence. But for the snow-clad +heights beyond, you would have called it a mountain. Its slopes were +timbered, and if there was a road there, this could not be seen. High +up above the trees was a city wall, standing out boldly, as ramparts +should. Within the wall, still higher, were houses, white, ancient, +stern-faced. And there, clear above them all, perched upon the very +point of the hill, towered a cathedral. The size of it turned the city +into a close. Its site, its bulwarks, however, turned the church into +a castle. Here was an abbot filling the post of constable. The longer +you gazed, the stronger the paradox became. Pictures of peace and war +became inextricably confused. Men-at-arms mumbled their offices; steel +caps concealed tonsures: embrasures framed precious panes: trumpets +sounded the Angelus: mail chinked beneath vestments: sallies became +processions: sentinels cried "_Pax vobiscum_".... Plainly most +venerable, the tiny city and the tremendous church made up a living +relic, of whose possession Memory can be very proud. +Saint-Bertrand-de-Comminges ranks with the Leaning Tower of Pisa. +There is nothing like it in all the world. + +Presently we passed through the meadows, climbed up the tree-clad +slopes, and came to a little terrace under the city-wall. Full in the +sunlight, sheltered from the wind, the pleasaunce made an ideal +refectory. The view of the mountains, moreover, which it afforded was +superb. I stole by the city gate and berthed Pong close to the low +parapet.... + +Ten minutes later Ping drew up behind us. + +"Isn't this just lovely?" cried Adele, applying the hand-brake. + +"It's unique," said I, advancing. "How did the car go?" + +"Like a train," said Jonah, helping Daphne to alight. "I may add that +I've enjoyed being driven." + +"Oh, Jonah, how nice of you!" cried Adele. + +It was, indeed, a compliment worth having. + +"I told you so," I said unctuously. + +"And now," said Berry, "if you've quite done scratching one another's +backs----" + +"Vulgar brute!" said Daphne. + +"I beg your pardon?" + +My sister repeated the appellative. + +Instantly her husband assumed an attitude of listening ecstasy. + +"Hark!" he exclaimed dramatically. "I he-ear my lo-ove calling." A +rapturous smile swept into his face. "It must be clo-osing time." He +changed his tone to one of indicative solicitude. "More to the left, +sweet chuck. No. That's the water-trough. I've got the pram here." + +A master of pantomime, Berry can create an atmosphere with a look and a +word. 'On the halls,' he would probably be a complete failure. On the +terrace beneath the walls of St. Bertrand he was simply side-splitting. +Daphne and Jonah included, we collapsed tearfully.... + +As we did so there was a roar of laughter behind us. + +One and all, we turned blindly about, to see a slim figure in a grey +tweed suit dash for the gateway. As we looked, a grey hat flew off. +The next moment its owner was within the walls. + +I ran to the gateway and stared up a little paved street. It was quite +empty. After a moment I returned to pick up the hat. Looking at this, +I saw that it came from Bond Street. + +What was more remarkable was that twenty paces away was standing a grey +two-seater. It was quite evident that, for car and passenger to +approach without our knowledge, we must have been extremely +preoccupied, and the new-comer's engine uncannily silent. + +After some discussion of the incident, we placed the hat in the +two-seater and proceeded to lunch.... + +The meal was over, and Jonah and I were washing the glasses, when-- + +"Now, no guide-books, please," said my brother-in-law. "I've read it +all up. Where we are now was the _ulularium_." + +"Whatever's that?" said Jill. + +"The howling-green," said Berry. "The monks used to come and howl here +before breakfast." + +"What did they howl for?" said Adele. + +"It was a form," was the reply, "of mortification, instituted by +Aitchless the 'Alf-baked and encouraged by his successor, who presented +an empty but still fragrant beer-barrel to be howled for upon +Michaelmas Eve." After the manner of a guide, the speaker preceded us +to the gateway. "And now we come to the gate. Originally one-half its +present width, it was widened by the orders of Gilbert the Gluttonous. +The work, in which he took the deepest interest, was carried out under +his close supervision. Indeed, it was not until the demolition of the +structure had been commenced that he was able to be released from a +position which was embarrassing not only his digestion, but his peace +of mind, inasmuch as it was denying ingress to a cardinal who had much +influence at the Vatican and was wearing tight boots." + +The steep, narrow street was walled by great houses of the fifteenth +and sixteenth centuries, while at the top a little archway buttressed a +mansion of obvious importance. + +"We now enter," said Berry, with the time-honoured flourish of the +hired conductor, "the famous Bishops' Row. At one time or another, in +every one of these dwellings prelates of all sizes and shapes have +snored, swallowed, and generally fortified the flesh. Upon that door +were posted the bulletins announcing the progress towards recovery of +Rudolph the Rash, who in the fifteenth year of his office decided to +take a bath. His eventual restoration to health was celebrated with +great rejoicing. From that window Sandwich, surnamed the Slop-pail, +was wont to dispense charity in the shape of such sack as he found +himself reluctantly unable to consume. Such self-denial surprised even +his most devoted adherents, until it was discovered that the bishop had +no idea that he was pouring libations into the street, but, with some +hazy intention of conserving the remains of his liquor, invariably +mistook the window for the door of a cupboard. The house on the left +is of peculiar interest. Behind those walls----" + +"I wouldn't interrupt you for worlds," said Daphne, "and I'm sure the +cathedral won't be half so interesting, but, perhaps, if we saw that +first...." + +"That's right," said her husband. "Twist the sage's tail. Now I've +lost my place. I shall have to begin all over again." He paused to +pass his hand across his eyes. Then he flung out an arm. "We now +enter the famous Bishops' Row. At one time or another, in every one of +these dwellings prelates of all...." + +We fairly fled up the street. + +We had visited the shrine: we had wondered at the silver eloquence of +architects: we had examined one by one sixty-six of the most exquisite +stalls that ever graced a choir: we had stared at thrones, pulpit, +organ-case and a great frieze--all of them carved with a cunning which +money could never buy, and to-day great love and piety are too poor to +purchase--we had walked in the cloisters: we had been shown the relics: +and whilst the others were picking over some picture postcards, I was +looking at an old fountain in the cathedral square. + +"I say," said a pleasant voice. + +Upon the other side of the basin was a slim figure in a grey tweed +suit--a nice-looking boy of about twenty summers. His thick, dark hair +was uncovered, and there was a grave look in the big brown eyes. + +"Hullo," said I. "You're the runaway." + +"That's right," he said quickly. "I only want to apologise. I'm +afraid I was awfully rude to laugh like that, but I couldn't help it. +I wasn't listening." + +He turned away hurriedly. + +"Here, I say!" I cried, stepping after him. With his chin on his +shoulder the boy hesitated, like some wild thing. "Don't go," I added. +"It's quite all right. If my brother-in-law likes to make a fool of +himself, why shouldn't you laugh?" + +"I know, but----" + +"My dear fellow," said I, "the more the merrier. Besides, we use the +same hatter. So let's be friends. You're all alone, aren't you?" + +"Er--yes. I'm really staying at Pau, and, as I'd got nothing----" + +"I knew I'd seen your car before. Didn't you go to Lourdes on Tuesday?" + +The boy started. + +"Yes, sir. I--I think I did." + +He was really extraordinarily nervous. + +"That's right," I continued. "We were on the way back from Cauterets. +By the way, I see you've got one of the new models. How does she go?" + +We walked down to the gate, talking easily enough.... + +By the time the others arrived, the two-seater's bonnet was open, and I +had promised to teach him to change speed without taking out the clutch. + +"Isn't that sweet?" said Jill's voice. + +My companion started upright. + +"You like it?" he said, flushing. + +"I think it's wonderful," said my cousin. + +So it was. + +I have seen many mascots. But, seated upon the cap of the radiator, a +little silver reproduction of the Ares Ludovisi knocked memories of +nymphs, hounds, and urchins into a cocked hat. + +"I'd like you to have it," said the boy suddenly. "Which is your car?" + +"Oh, but I can't take it," cried Jill breathlessly. "It's awfully +generous of you, but I couldn't think of----" + +"Well, let's just see how it looks. You were in the first car, weren't +you?" + +It was about a thousand to one against the two caps being +interchangeable, but the miracle came off. Once Ares was in his new +seat, nothing would induce his owner to disestablish him. + +"Keep him to-day, at least," he insisted. "Please do. I think +it--it'll bring me luck." + +"You're awfully kind," said Jill. "Why did you run away?" + +Daphne took my arm and called Berry. Together we strolled up the +terrace. Jonah was showing Adele the points of the two-seater. + +"Who," said my sister, "is this attractive youth?" + +"I've not the faintest idea," said I. "But he's staying at Pau." + +"Well, Jill's got off," was the reply. "They're like a couple of +children." + +"Ah!" said Berry unexpectedly. + +"What on earth's the matter?" said Daphne. + +"Listen," rejoined her husband. "I've laid an egg--metaphorically. +We're all terrified of Jill getting pinched--again +metaphorically--aren't we? Very good. Let's encourage this +friendship. Let it swell into an attachment. They're far too young to +think about marriage. Of course, we shan't see so much of her, but, as +the sainted Martin said, half a cloak's better than no bags." + +"Dear lad," said Daphne, slipping her arm through his, "you're not +laying at all. You're getting broody." With that, she turned to me. +"And what do you think about it?" + +"He's a gentleman," said I. "And he's a child. Children, I suppose, +attract children. Let him be asked to tea, and they can play in the +nursery." + +"Thank you," said my sister. "Now I'll break it to you. Subject to +the usual formalities, Jill will marry that boy within the year." + +"B-but it's absurd," bubbled Berry. "It's out of the question. They'd +be like the Babes in the Wood. What that he-child's doing on his own, +I can't imagine. I should think he's a ward in Chancery who's given +his guardians the slip. And the two together'd make a combination +about as well fitted to cope with Life as a mute with a megaphone." + +"On the contrary," said Daphne, "they'll get on splendidly. They'll +turn the world into a playground. Wherever they go, everybody'll drop +their tools and go down on their knees and play with them." She +laughed delightedly. "I tell you, it'll be like a fairy tale." + +"Of course," I said, "I see what it is. You're at your old games." + +"I'm not," was the fierce retort. "D'you think I want to lose Jill? +But she'll have to go some day. It's inevitable. And the only thing +she could ever really love is a playmate. The finest lover in the +world would never find the trick of Jill's heart. Only a child can do +that. She might marry him easily--the lover, I mean. And she'd be +happy, of course. But she'd miss the biggest thing in life. Well, +eligible playmates are pretty scarce. I've been watching for one for +years. Mind you, I don't say this boy's going to do. There may be a +score of reasons that put his suit out of court. But, on the face of +it, he's nearer the mark than anything I've seen." + +Thoughtfully we turned back the way we had come... + +After a long silence-- + +"Any way," said Berry gloomily, "the first thing to do 's to find out +who he is. Perhaps Jill's done it." + +"That," said my sister, "is the very last thing she'd think of." + +We returned to where Ping and Pong were standing, to find that Jonah +and Adele had disappeared, while Jill was being taught to drive the +two-seater. The environs of Saint-Bertrand-de-Comminges do not make a +good school, but master and pupil cared not for that. Indeed, they +were so engrossed in their exercise that our approach was unobserved. + +The two were at the top of their bent. + +Flushed with excitement, laughing, chattering like old friends, lady +and squire were having the time of their lives. They were, certainly, +wonderfully matched. If Jill was a picture, so was the boy. His +gravity was gone. The fine, frank face was fairly alight with +happiness, the brown eyes dancing, the strong white teeth flashing +merriment. From being good-looking, he had become most handsome. If +he was to find the trick of Jill's heart, she had laid a pink finger +upon the catch of his charm. + +For a moment we stood marvelling.... + +Then Jill saw us with the tail of her eye. + +"I say," she cried, twittering, "he's going to teach me to drive. He's +coming to lunch to-morrow, and then we're going along the Morlaas road, +because that'll be quiet." + +As Adele and Jonah emerged from the gateway-- + +"You can't have the Morlaas road to-morrow," said Berry, "because I've +got it. I'm going to practise reversing through goats. It's all +arranged. Five million of the best new-laid goats are to be in line of +troop columns two kilometres south of the 'L' of a 'ill by three +o'clock." + +Jill addressed her companion. + +"We'll go another way," she said. "I don't suppose he's really going +there, but, if he did.... Well, when he says he's going backwards on +purpose, we always get out of the car." + +The naivete with which this unconsciously scathing criticism was +phrased and uttered trebled its poignancy. + +Berry collapsed amid a roar of laughter. + +Then Jonah pulled out his watch, and we began to arrange ourselves. +That Jill might return with her brother and have her mascot too, we had +to swap cars; for, as the only two mechanics, Jonah and I never +travelled together. I was sorry about it, for Pong was the apple of my +eye. Seldom, if ever, had we been parted before. Jonah, I fancy, felt +the same about Ping. + +Our new friend was going straight back. We, however, were proposing to +return by Bagneres-de-Bigorre, and suggested that he should accompany +us. He shook his head gravely. + +"No. I--I have to get back," he said heavily. "I must." Then he +bowed to Daphne and to us all. "You've been very kind to me. +Good-bye." + +As he turned-- + +"Till to-morrow," I cried heartily. "You know where we live?" + +"Oh, yes. You're Captain Pleydell." + +"That's right. Oh, and--er--by the way, I don't think we know your +name." + +For a moment the boy hesitated. Then he turned scarlet. + +"N-neither do I," he said. + + * * * * * + +It was four o'clock by the time we reached Lannemezan, so, after a +little discussion, my wife and Berry and I determined to cut +Bagneres-de-Bigorre out of our itinerary and return to Pau by the way +by which we had come. Whether the others, who were ahead of us, had +come to the same decision, we could not tell. + +Berry was driving like a professional. The fact, however, that between +Lannemezan and Tarbes the pleasant road was littered with more +dog-carts and bullock-waggons than one would have expected any three +departments of France to be able to furnish, tended to cramp his style. +The uses, moreover, to which the occupants of these vehicles subjected +the way argued a belief not so much in progress as in _esprit de +corps_. As often as not the carts moved three abreast, their human +complements comparing excited notes, gossiping and making merry with as +much disregard of their whereabouts as if they were gathered in a +familiar tavern. As for the waggons, these were frequently unattended, +their custodians trudging disinterestedly in rear, absorbed in +good-natured argument and leaving their bullocks to place their own +interpretation upon the rule of the road. Such confidence was seldom +misplaced: still, for the driver of an approaching car to share it, +demanded, I suppose, an experience of oxen which we did not possess. + +After a few miles my brother-in-law's patience began to show signs of +wear and tear, and by the time we had reached Tournay it was positively +threadbare. For this Adele and I paid almost as heavily as he. But +for the horn by his side, many an infuriated chauffeur would have lost +his reason. It is a kind of safety-valve. Berry's employment of this +convenient accessory was characterised by a savagery which, if +deplorable, is not uncommon. The frequency, however, with which +passage simply had to be asked was truly terrible. Disapproval at once +so bitterly and constantly expressed was most distressing. Our heads +began to ache violently.... + +To crown our annoyance, we picked up a cast shoe--with the inevitable +result. When, fortified by the knowledge that it was my turn to change +the wheel, Berry ventured to point out that such an acquisition was +extremely fortunate, the power of speech deserted me. + +Dusk was falling as we ran into Tarbes.... + +"D'you think," said Adele, "that we could find a chemist? My head +feels as if it was going to burst." + +We sought diligently without success. After a little we stopped and +asked a postman. An apothecary of sorts, it appeared, was plying his +trade two side-streets away. Adele and I descended to go and visit him. + +I was rather sceptical about the virtue of the drug which was +eventually produced to us, but, after a little discussion, we purchased +the tablets and asked for some water with which to swallow them. + +I must confess that when we returned to find no sign of the car, I was +extremely annoyed. It was rapidly growing dark and it had become cold. +Adele was tired and had had no tea. The market was up, with the result +that the streets were swarming. I cursed my brother-in-law with +pardonable acerbity. + +"It's all right, old chap," said Adele, taking my arm. "He's probably +just around somewhere. Let's go and look for him." + +He was not around anywhere. + +We struggled to the right, we fought our way to the left, we pushed and +were pushed back to the _pharmacie_, and we returned laboriously to our +starting-point. All the time we were devilled by the lingering idea +that Berry was searching for us, and that we were just avoiding him at +every turn. After another two minutes, I took my protesting wife back +to the chemist's shop, requested his hospitality on her behalf, and, +after seeing her received by a glowing Frenchwoman into an inner room, +turned up my collar and advanced blasphemously into the street. + +Almost immediately Berry stumbled into my arms. + +"_The car!_" he gasped. "_A plant! Quick! Or they'll do us down!_" + +I stared at him stupidly. + +His coat was torn and he was streaming with sweat. Also his hat was +missing, and there was a cut on his cheek. + +"You're hurt," I cried. + +"Right as rain," he panted. "Tell you 's we go." He started to pelt +up the street. I ran by his side. "'Bout two minutes after you'd +gone--fellow ran up t' the car in hell of a state--firs' couldn' make +out what matter was--talked too fast--then gathered, you'd sent +him--Adele had been taken ill--lie, of course--see now--never occurred +to me at time--told him get on step and guide me--burst off up +street--lef' ri' lef stunt--'fore knew where I was, cul de sac--pulled +up--nex' second, both doors open and toughest cove 've ever seen told +me t' hop it--in bad American--round to t' left here--course I tumbled +at once--dirty work--tried t' hit him--nothing doing--tried to lock +car--couldn't--hauled out anyhow--no good yelling--ran find you--one +ray hope--out of petrol--I never stopped engine--petered out on its +own--can on step, I know--but they'll have to locate trouble--and then +decant--left again here ... no ... wait." He looked from side to side +anxiously. Then he swung round and glanced back. "Gad, I think we're +wrong." He started back frantically. "No, that's right. I 'member +that cafe." We swung round again. Arrived once more at the corner, +again he hesitated, twitching his lips nervously and sobbing for want +of breath. "These blasted streets," he jerked out. "I tried to +memorise 'em, but---- _There they are, Boy! There they are!_" + +It was true. + +Turning away from us into a street on our left, about forty paces away, +was our own blue coupe.... + +But for the fact that a cart was presenting a momentary obstruction, +our quarry would have been gone. As it was, I flung myself on to the +running-board as she was gathering speed.... + +Without a word, I thrust my arm in at the window and switched off the +engine. As she slowed up I leapt for the bonnet, whipped it open and +felt for the high-tension wire. At that moment the engine +re-started.... For a second whoever was driving fumbled with the +gears.... As the wheels meshed with a chunk, my fingers found what +they sought. The next instant the car lunged forward--and the wire +broke. + +I fell on my back, certainly, and my hand was bleeding, but I could +afford to smile. The gun was spiked. + +As I rose to my feet, the car came gently to rest twenty-five paces +away. + +"All right?" panted Berry by my side. + +"Every time," said I. "And now for it." I turned to a gaping youth. +"_Allez cherche la police,_" I flung at him. "_Vite!_" + +As we came up to the car-- + +"And may I ask," drawled a voice, "the meaning of this hold-up? I +guess you'll get tired of answering before you're through, but, as the +owner of this vehicle, I'm just curious." + +"Cut it out," said I shortly. "And just come out of that car. Both of +you." + +So far as the speaker's companion was concerned, my injunction was +supererogatory. Even as I spoke, with a scream of agony the latter +emerged from the car. Holding him fast by the wrist, Berry had almost +broken his arm across the jamb of the door. + +"And why?" said the voice imperturbably. + +"Because the game's up." I opened the door. "Besides, to tell you the +truth, we're rather particular about our cushions. Till now, no one +with more than three previous convictions has ever sat on them." + +With narrowed eyes, a very square-faced gentleman regarded me grimly. + +"If you hadn't damaged my car," he said slowly. "I'd get out and +refashion your physiognomy. But I guess I'll wait for the police." +And, with that, he drew a cigar from his pocket, bit off the end, spat, +and then lighted the brand with great deliberation. + +I began to think rapidly. + +Violence was out of the question. The fellow was far heavier than I, +and obviously as hard as nails. Moreover, I felt instinctively that +the Queensberry Rules did not mean much to him. As for cunning--well, +we were not in the same class. Here was an audacity such as I had not +dreamed of. Having lost one throw, the fellow was doubling his stake. +Hook having broken in his hand, he had dropped it and picked up Crook. +_His game was to bluff the French police_. That was why he was staying +in the car--to give the impression of ownership. If he could maintain +this impression, make it easy for the police to wash their hands of a +dispute between foreigners, so find favour in their eyes, just turn the +scale sufficiently to be allowed to proceed "pending the fullest +inquiries"--it might go hard with us.... + +I fancy he read my thoughts, for he took the cigar from his mouth and +laughed softly. + +"Up against it, aren't you?" he said. + +At last a _gendarme_ arrived, and five minutes later we were all on the +way to the police-station. + +This was not to my gentleman's taste, but he was too shrewd a knave to +press his point. Honesty was his best policy. He did demand hotly +that I should be taken in charge, but I had the better of him in +French, and after a moment he let that iron go. He fought very hard +for the services of a mechanic, but I was determined that the engine +should remain out of action, and, calling for volunteers upon the crowd +of unlookers, soon satisfied the _gendarme_ that to push the car to the +station was easy enough. + +Holding fast to the accomplice, who, for reasons best known to himself, +was adopting an injured air in sulky silence, Berry walked by my side. + +"What's his game?" he muttered. "In the face of our papers, he's done." + +"He'll swear they're his, for a monkey. They're in the car. Probably +read them through, while you were looking for me. And all the details +are on the Travelling Pass. But he's got to get over the photograph." + +"Well, it's up to you," said Berry. "I used to think I could bluff, +but this--this is beyond me." + +When we arrived at the police-station the chief of the police was +summoned, and we told our respective tales. + +Our enemy spoke first--shortly, but much to the point. + +He was returning, he said, to Pau, where he was staying with friends. +Finding that he had run out of petrol, while he was passing through +Tarbes, he had turned into a side-street to refill without obstructing +a main thoroughfare. As he was starting again, an assault had been +made--an unprovoked assault--seriously damaging the car. Thereupon he +had sent for the police. Now, foiled in their enterprise, the thieves, +he understood, were actually daring to say that he had assaulted them. +One of them--he nodded at Berry--had certainly been roughly handled, +but, Mon Dieu, what did they expect? (Here he took out his watch and +frowned at the dial.) And now would the police get to work? His +friends at Pau would be wondering what had become of him. + +I admit that you could have pushed me over. + +Upon the question of ownership the rogue said not a word. The whole +onus of raising that issue he had thrust on to me. I was to broach the +barrel of improbability, and by so doing to taint my whole case... + +The police were manifestly impressed. + +There was no doubt at all that we were up against it. + +The asperity with which the official asked me what we had to say sent +my heart into my boots. + +I started to tell my story. + +The moment I said that the car belonged to us, police and robber stared +at me as if bewitched. Then the latter exploded. + +It was certainly very well done. + +Such fulminations of outraged dignity, such out-pourings of righteous +indignation, never were witnessed. It took the united sympathy and +assurance of the whole personnel of the station, to smooth the ruffian +down. After a while, however, he condescended to see the humorous +side. The police laughed with him.... + +Throughout my recital I had to endure the like. + +As for the chief of police, he was plainly extremely bored. He +listened, patently because it was his duty to let me speak. His cold, +indifferent air, the way in which his eyes went straying about the +room, were simply maddening. + +Desperately endeavouring to keep my temper, I ploughed my way on. + +At last-- + +"Listen," I said dramatically. "You do not believe me. I do not blame +you. My friend has told a good tale. At present it is my word against +his. Supposing I bring some evidence?" + +"What evidence can you bring?" + +"The papers belonging to the car." I pointed to the usurper. "On his +own showing I cannot have seen them. Yet I will tell you their +contents. I pray you, send for them. They're in the left----" + +"Wrong, sonny," said my antagonist, tapping his coat. "I always carry +'em here." And, with that, he drew out our wallet and flung it upon +the desk. + +With our Pass in his hands, the chief of the police blinked at me. + +"The chassis number?" he said. + +"P 1709." + +Up went his eyebrows. + +"And on the number-plates?" + +"XD 2322." + +The official folded the Pass and shook his head. + +"Wrong," he said shortly. + +As I stared at him, frowning-- + +"Yes, sonny," said the jeering voice. "An' don't go putting it up that +you're J. Mansel, 'cause the picture's against you." + +With the words the truth came to me. + +It was Ping--Jonah's car--that was standing without in the street. +_And I had given Pong's numbers_.... + +With a grin of triumph the impostor rose to his feet. + +"So that's that," he drawled. "Well, I guess I'll be moving. As for +these climbers----" + +"Pardon me, sir," said Berry, in pretty fair French, "but you will do +nothing of the sort." He turned to the chief of the police and +inclined his head. "I am a nobleman, and--I should like a chair." + +For a moment the other stared at him; then he sent for a seat. Had I +stood in his shoes, I should have done the same. My brother-in-law's +air was irresistible. + +Berry sat down carefully. + +"I shall not," he said, "keep you long. This is not my car. It +belongs to my cousin, Captain Jonathan Mansel. Look at the Pass, +please, and check me. Captain Mansel was born at Guildford, Surrey, is +it not so? Good. Now I have given the birthplace." He shot out an +accusing hand. "_Ask that gentleman the date._" + +For the second time the tough exploded, but with a difference. This +time the wrath was genuine, the passion real. There was something +beastly about it. Beside this paroxysm the other outburst had been +almost refined. + +The official who had been about to speak looked at the fellow +curiously, and when, a moment later, the latter stretched out his hand +for the Pass, he held up a prohibitive palm. + +As the storm died down-- + +"Good," said Berry. "The gentleman doesn't want to. The date is +December the fifteenth, 1891." He sighed profoundly. Then: "You have +a _gendarme_ here," he said musingly, "called Jean Laffargue." + +The chief of the police stared. + +"Yes, _Monsieur_. He is there, by the door." + +Berry nodded. + +"He has a twin brother, hasn't he?" + +"Perfectly, _Monsieur_. He is called '_Francois._'" + +"Very likely," said Berry. "Very likely. I call him _Herbert_!" + +"_Monsieur le Comte_," said Herbert, stepping into the room. + +"Ah, Herbert," said Berry airily, "we meet again." He nodded at the +official. "Just tell this gentleman about this morning, will you? He +would, I think, be interested." + +To say that Herbert came up to the scratch is to do scant justice to +the testimony which he gave and to the manner in which he gave it. He +swore to Berry: he swore to me: and in all honesty he swore to the car. +For this, since Ping and Pong were duplicates, he may be forgiven. He +described the morning's incident with a wealth of picturesque detail +and an abundance of vivid imagery, while an astute cross-examination +only served to adorn the sincerity of his tale. + +Finally, in response to his entreaties, police and all, we followed him +into the street, where, displaying a histrionic ability which was truly +French, he proceeded to reconstruct and rehearse his great adventure +with the enthusiasm of a zealot. + +Watch in hand, Berry touched the chief of the police upon the shoulder. + +"By now," he said, "I think my cousin may have reached Pau. If you +would like to telephone...." + +He stopped suddenly to peer right and left into the darkness. + +The gentry had disappeared. + + * * * * * + +Ten minutes later, with a _gendarme_ on either step, we picked up an +anxious Adele. Then we filled up with petrol, had my makeshift +connection replaced by a new wire, and started for home. + +As we passed the scene of our meeting with Herbert-- + +"Which goes to prove," said my brother-in-law, "the wisdom of catching +at straws. I noticed his likeness to Herbert the moment we entered the +room, and, for what it was worth, I kept my eye on him. Then a +_gendarme_ came in and whispered. I caught the words '_votre frere_.' +Laffargue shrugged his shoulders and glanced at the clock. It looked +as if his brother was waiting for him to come off duty. I began to +wonder whether the two were going to blow my ten francs. During one of +the arguments I shot my bolt. I asked him to tell his twin-brother +that the Count Blowfly was here and would be glad if he'd wait. He +stared rather, but, after a little hesitation, he slipped out of the +room. I think my heart stopped beating until he returned. When he +looked at me and nodded, I could have screamed with delight...." + +For a kilometre or so we sat in silence. + +Then-- + +"It reminds me of poker on board ship," said I. "Our friend of the +square jaw cuts in and, with the luck of an outsider, picks up four +kings." + +"That's it," said Berry. "And we hold three aces." + +"Exactly," said I. + +"But four kings beat three aces," said Adele. + +"You're forgetting Herbert," said I. + +"No, I'm not," said my wife. "Herbert's the Ace of Spades." + +"No, sweetheart," said Berry. "He's the joker." + + * * * * * + +It was early upon the following morning that a letter was brought by +hand to our door. + + +_DEAR MRS. PLEYDELL,_ + +_I'm afraid you must have thought all sorts of things about me after +I'd gone yesterday, but I've just this moment had a telegram, and I'm +so excited I can hardly write. I know my name now. You see, I used to +be the Marquis Lecco. Then, when Father died, they said he'd never +been the Duke at all, and so I had no name. But now it's all settled, +and they've lost their case. And I can sign myself always,_ + + _Yours very sincerely, + PADUA._ + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HIS +TROTH + +That Jill was in love with the Duke of Padua was only less manifest +than that the Duke of Padua was in love with Jill. Something, however, +was wrong. So much our instinct reported. Our reason refused to +believe it, and, with one consent, we pretended that all was well. For +all that, there lay a shadow athwart the babies' path. Yet the sky was +cloudless.... The thing was too hard for us. + +With a sigh, I opened my case and took out a cigarette. Then I handed +the case to Berry. The latter waved it aside and wrinkled his nose. + +"I'm through," he said shortly. "Offal's all very well in an +incinerator, if the wind's the right way, but, as a substitute for +tobacco--well, it soon palls." + +I closed the case and slid it into my pocket. + +"I must confess," I said, "that I'm nearing the breaking-point." + +"Well, I wish you'd be quick and reach it," said Adele. "How you can +go on at all, after finding that fly, I can't imagine." + +She shuddered at the memory. + +Less than a week ago a suspicious protuberance in the line of a local +cigarette had attracted my attention. Investigation had revealed the +presence of a perfect, if somewhat withered, specimen of the _musca +domestica_ imbedded in the vegetation which I had been proposing to +smoke. This was too much for the girls, none of whom had since touched +a cigarette, and when my brother-in-law suggested that the fly had +probably desired cremation, and urged that, however obnoxious, the +wishes of the dead should be respected, Daphne had reviled her husband +and requested Jonah to open the door, so that she could sit in a +draught. + +We were in a bad way. + +Now that we were in France, the difficulty of obtaining cigars, +cigarettes, or tobacco, such as we were used to enjoy, seemed to be +insuperable. The prohibitive duty, the uncertainty and by no means +infrequent failure of the French mails, brought the cost of procuring +supplies from England to a figure we could not stomach: attempts at +postal smuggling had ended in humiliating failure: the wares which +France herself was offering were not at all to our taste. We were +getting desperate. Jonah, who had smoked the same mixture for thirteen +years, was miserable. Berry's affection for a certain brand of cigars +became daily more importunate. My liver was suffering.... + +"We'd better try getting a licence to import," I said heavily. "It may +do something." + +"Ah," said my brother-in-law, drawing a letter from his pocket, "I knew +I had some news for you. I heard from George this morning. I admit I +don't often take advice, but this little missive sounds an unusually +compelling call. + +"_Above all, do not be inveigled into obtaining or, worse still, acting +upon, a so-called 'licence to import.' It is a copper-bottomed have. +I got one, when I was in Paris, gleefully ordered five thousand +cigarettes from Bond Street, and started to count the days. I soon got +tired of that. Three months later I got a dirty form from the Customs, +advising me that there was a case of cigarettes, addressed to me, lying +on the wharf at Toulon--yes, Toulon. They added that the charges to be +paid before collection amounted to nine hundred francs by way of duty, +eleven hundred and sixty-five by way of freight, and another three +francs forty for every day they remained in the Custom House. In this +connection, they begged to point out that they had already lain there +for six weeks. Friend, can you beat it? But what, then, did I do? +Why, I took appropriate action. I wrote at once, saying that, as I was +shortly leaving for New York, I should be obliged if they would forward +them via Liverpool to the Piraeus: I inquired whether they had any +objection to being paid in roubles: and I advised them that I was +shortly expecting a pantechnicon, purporting to contain furniture, but, +in reality, full of mines. These I begged them to handle with great +care and to keep in a temperature never higher than thirty-seven +degrees Fahrenheit, as they were notoriously sensitive, and I +particularly wished to receive them intact. I added that the +pantechnicon would be consigned to me under another name. A fair +knowledge of the French temperament suggests to me that the next two or +three furniture vans which arrive at Toulon will be very stickily +welcomed._" + +I threw away my cigarette and stared at the mountains. + +"'Though every prospect pleases,'" I murmured, "'and only fags are +vile.'" + +"The only thing to do," said Adele, "is to have a little sent out from +England from time to time, and ration yourselves accordingly." + +Berry shook his head. + +"Easier to stop altogether," he said. "Tobacco's not like food. (I'm +not speaking of the stuff you get here. Some of that is extremely like +food--of a sort. I should think it would, as they say, 'eat lovely.') +Neither is it like liquor. You don't carry a flask or a bottle of beer +in your hip-pocket--more's the pity. But nobody's equipment is +complete without a case or a pouch. Why? So that the moment this +particular appetite asserts itself, it can be gratified. No. +Smoking's a vice; and as soon as you clap a vice in a strait-jacket, it +loses its charm. A cigar three times a day after meals doesn't cut any +ice with me." He tilted his hat over his eyes and sank his chin upon +his chest. "And now don't talk for a bit. I want to concentrate." + +Adele laid a hand upon his arm. + +"One moment," she said. "If the car arrives before you've finished, +are we to interrupt you?" + +"Certainly not, darling. Signal to the driver to stop in the middle +distance. Oh, and ask approaching pedestrians to keep on the grass. +Should any children draw near, advise their nurse that I have the +mumps." + +We were sitting upon a seat in the Parc Beaumont, revelling in the +temper of the sunshine and the perfection of the air. A furlong away, +Daphne, Jill, and Jonah were playing tennis, with Piers, Duke of Padua, +to make a fourth. Nobby and a fox-terrier were gambolling upon an +adjacent lawn. + +Pau has many virtues, all but one of which may, I suppose, be severally +encountered elsewhere upon the earth. The one, however, is her +peculiar. The place is airy, yet windless. High though she stands, +and clear by thirty miles of such shelter as the mountains can give, by +some queer trick of Nature's, upon the map of AEolus Pau and her +pleasant precincts are shown as forbidden ground. There is no stiff +breeze to rake the boulevard: there are no gusts to buffet you at +corners: there are no draughts in the streets. The flow of sweet fresh +air is rich and steady, but it is never stirred. A mile away you may +see dust flying; storm and tempest savage the Pyrenees: upon the +gentlest day fidgety puffs fret Biarritz, as puppies plague an old +hound. But Pau is sanctuary. Once in a long, long while some errant +blast blunders into the town. Then, for a second of time, the place is +Bedlam. The uncaught shutters are slammed, the unpegged laundry is +sent whirling, and, if the time is evening, the naked flames of lamps +are blown out. But before a match can be lighted, the air is still +again. And nobody cares. It was an accident, and Pau knows it. +Probably the gust had lost its way and was frightened to death. Such a +thing will not happen again for two or three months.... + +"I like Piers," said Adele suddenly. "But I think he might kiss my +hand." + +"How dare you?" said I. + +"I do really," said Adele. "He kisses Daphne's and he actually kisses +Jill's." + +"That's all wrong," said I. "You don't kiss a maiden's hand." + +"Of course you do," grunted Berry. "A well-bred son of Italy----" + +"But he isn't a son of Italy. He's English on both sides." + +"I'm not talking of his sides," said Berry. "It's a matter of bosom. +You may have English forbears, but if they've been Italian dukes for +two centuries, it's just possible that they've imbibed something +besides Chianti. Personally, I think it's a very charming custom. It +saves wiping your mouth, and----" + +"Well, why doesn't he kiss my hand?" said Adele. + +"Because, sweetheart, you are--were American. And--he's very +punctilious--he probably thinks that a quondam citizen might have no +use for such circumstance." + +"I should," said Adele. "I should just love it. I like Piers." + +I looked across at my brother-in-law. + +"D'you hear that?" I inquired. "She likes him." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"I told her not to marry you," he said. + +"No, you didn't," said Adele. "You egged me on." + +"Oh, you wicked story," said Berry. "Why, I fairly spread myself on +the brutality of his mouth." + +"You said he was honest, sober, and hard-working." + +"Nonsense," said Berry. "I was talking of somebody else. I have seen +him sober, of course, but---- Besides, you were so precipitate. You +had an answer for everything. When I spoke of his ears, you said you'd +get used to them: and when I asked you if you'd noticed----" + +"I shan't," said Adele. "I mean, I didn't. However, it's done now. +And, after all, he's very convenient. If we hadn't got married, I +shouldn't have wintered at Pau. And if I hadn't wintered at Pau, I +shouldn't have met Piers." + +"True," said Berry, "true. There's something in that." He nodded in +my direction. "D'you find he snores much?" + +"Nothing to speak of," said Adele. "Used he to?" + +"Like the devil," said Berry. "The vibration was fearful. We had to +have his room underpinned." + +"Oh, he's quite all right now," said my wife. "Indeed, as husbands go, +he's--he's very charming." + +"You don't mean to say you still love him?" + +"I--I believe I do." + +"Oh, the girl's ill," said Berry. "Put your head between your knees, +dear, and think of a bullock trying to pass through a turnstile. And +why 'as husbands go'? As a distinguished consort, I must protest +against that irreverent expression." + +"Listen," said Adele, laughing. "All women adore ceremonious +attention--even Americans. The ceremonious attentions of the man they +love are the sweetest of all. It's the tragedy of every happy marriage +that, when comradeship comes in at the door, ceremony flies out of the +window. Now, my husband's my king. Once he was my courtier. I +wouldn't go back for twenty million worlds, but--I've got a smile for +the old days." + +"I know," said Berry softly. "I know. Years ago Daphne told me the +same. And I tried and tried.... But it wouldn't work somehow. She +was very sweet about it, and very wise. 'Ceremony,' she said, 'gets as +far as the finger-tips.' I vowed I'd carry it further, but she only +smiled.... We retired there and then, ceremoniously enough, to dress +for dinner. I'd bathed and changed and got as far as my collar, when +the stud fell down my back. I pinched it between my shoulder-blades. +At that moment she came to the door to see if I was ready...." He +spread out expressive hands. "They talk about the step from the +sublime to the ridiculous. We didn't use any stairs; we went down in +the lift. After that I gave up trying. A sense of humour, however, +has pulled us through, and now we revile one another." + +"And so, you see," said Adele, slipping an arm through mine, "Piers has +wares to offer me which you haven't. The shame of it is, he won't +offer them. Still, he's very nice. The way in which he solemnly takes +us all for granted is most attractive. He's as natural as a baby a +year old. He just bows very courteously and then joins in the game. +The moment it's over, he makes his bow and retires. We call him Piers: +he calls us by our Christian names--and we haven't known him a week. +It's not self-confidence; it's just pure innocence." + +"I confess it's remarkable," said I. "And I don't wonder you like him. +All the same, I'm sorry----" + +"There!" cried Adele suddenly, pointing across the lawn. "Boy, he's +gone in again." + +I reached the edge of the ornamental water in time to observe the +Sealyham emerge upon the opposite bank. + +"You naughty dog," said I. "You naughty, wicked dog." Nobby shook +himself gleefully. "No, don't come across. Go round the other way. +Go back!" + +The dog hesitated, and, by way of turning the scale, I threw my stick +for him to retrieve. As this left my hand, the hook caught in my cuff, +and the cane fell into mid-stream.... + +As Nobby climbed out with the stick, the park-keeper arrived--a crabbed +gentleman, in a long blue cloak and the deuce of a stew. + +The swans, he said, would be frightened. (There was one swan, three +hundred yards away.) Always they were being pursued by bold dogs. +_Mon Dieu_, but it was shameful. That hounds should march unled in the +Parc Beaumont was forbidden--absolutely. Not for them to uproot were +the trees and flowers planted. Where, then, was my attachment? And I +had encouraged my dog. Actually I had made sport for him. He had seen +the deed with his eyes.... + +One paw raised, ears pricked, his little head on one side, his small +frame quivering with excitement, his bright brown eyes alight with +expectation, a dripping Nobby regarded us.... + +I took a note from my pocket. + +"He is a wicked dog," I said. "There. He pays his fine. As for me, I +shall be punished enough. My home is distant, and I was to have +driven. Now he is wet and must grow dry, so I must walk. I will think +out his punishment as I go." And, with that, I hooked my cane to the +delinquent's collar and turned away. + +"_Pardon, Monsieur._" The old fellow came shambling after us. +"_Pardon_, but do not punish him, I pray you." Nobby screwed round his +head and looked at him. "Oh, but how handsome he is! Perhaps he did +not understand. And I should be sorry to think ..." Nobby started +towards him and moved his tail. "See how he understands. He has the +eyes of a dove." He stooped to caress his _protege_. "Ah, but you are +cold, my beauty. Unleash him, _Monsieur_, I pray you, that he may warm +himself. I shall not notice him." As I did his bidding, and Nobby +capered away, "_Bon,_" he said pleasedly. "_Bon. Au revoir, mon +beau._" He straightened his bowed shoulders and touched his hat. "_A +votre service, Monsieur._" + +I returned thoughtfully to where Adele and Berry were sitting, watching +us closely and pretending that we did not belong to them. So far as +personal magnetism was concerned, between Nobby and the Duke of Padua +there seemed to be little to choose. To judge by results, the two were +equally irresistible. In the race for the Popularity Stakes the rest +of the males of our party were simply nowhere. + +With a sigh, a blue coupe slid past me and then slowed down. The grey +two-seater behind it did the same. When I say that Daphne, who loathes +mechanics, was seated in the latter conveyance, submitting zealously to +an oral examination by Piers regarding the particular functions of the +various controls, it will be seen that my recent conclusions were well +founded. + +"Letters," said Jill, getting out of the coupe. "One for Berry and two +for Adele." She distributed them accordingly. "Fitch brought them up +on his bicycle. And Piers' aunt is coming--the one whose villa he's +at. I forgot her name, but he says she's awfully nice." + +"Splendid," said I. "And now congratulate me. Having tramped the town +all the morning, I've got to walk home." + +"Why?" + +I pointed to Nobby. + +"That he may warm himself," I said. + +My cousin gave a horrified cry. + +"Oh, Boy! And we only washed him last night." + +"I'll take him," cried Piers. "I'd like to. And you can drive Daphne +back." + +I shook my head, laughing. + +"It's his master's privilege," I said. "Besides, he's had his +scolding, and if I deserted him he'd be hurt. And he's really a good +little chap." + +"But----" + +"My dear Piers," said Daphne, laying a hand on his arm, "rather than +risk hurting that white scrap's feelings, my brother would walk to +Lyons." + +"You will all," said Berry, "be diverted to learn that I am faced with +the positively filthy prospect of repairing to London forthwith. After +spending a quarter of an hour in an overheated office in New Square, +Lincoln's Inn, in the course of which I shall make two affidavits which +nobody will ever read, I shall be at liberty to return. Give me the +Laws of England." + +"Never mind, old chap," said Daphne. "We'll soon be back again. I +shall go with you, of course. Ought we to start to-night?" + +Considering that there was snow in London, that the visit would entail +almost continuous travelling for nearly thirty hours each way, and that +my sister cannot sleep in a train, it seemed as if Berry, at any rate, +was pulling out of the ruck. + +"My sweet," replied my brother-in-law, "I won't hear of it. However, +we'll argue it out in private. Yes, I must start to-night." + +"You must go?" said Jonah softly. + +"Can't get out of it." + +"Right." My cousin leaned out of the car. "I'll give you my +tobacconist's address. The best way will be to have the stuff decanted +and sewn in your coat." + +There was a pregnant silence. + +Then-- + +"Saved!" I cried exultantly. "Saved!" + +"What d'you mean--'Saved'?" said Berry. + +"Hush," said I, looking round. "Not an 'h' mute! This summons of +yours is a godsend. With a little ingenuity, you can bring enough +contraband in to last us till May." + + * * * * * + +If our efforts to induce my brother-in-law to see reason were +eventually successful, this was no more than we deserved. We made +light of the risk of detection, we explained how the stuff could be +concealed, we told him the demeanour to assume, we said we wished we +were going, we declared it was done every day, we indemnified him +against fines, we entreated, we flattered, we cajoled, we appealed to +him "as a sportsman," we said it was "only right," we looked +unutterable things, and at last, half an hour before it was time for +him to start for the station, he promised, with many misgivings and +expressions of self-reproach, to see what he could do. Instantly, from +being his suppliants, we became his governors; and the next twenty +minutes were employed in pouring into his ears the most explicit +directions regarding his purchase and disposal of our particular +fancies. Finally we made out a list.... + +He had absolutely refused to allow my sister to accompany him, but we +all went down to the station to see him off. + +As we were pacing the platform-- + +"Have you got the list?" said Jonah. + +The same question had been asked before--several times. + +"Yes," said Berry, "I have. And if anybody asks me again, I shall +produce it and tear it into shreds before their eyes." + +"Well, for Heaven's sake, don't lose it," said I, "because----" + +"To hear you," said Berry, "anybody would think that I was mentally +deficient. Anybody would think that I was going to enclose it in a +note to the Customs, telling them to expect me on Saturday, disguised +in a flat 'at and a bag of gooseberries, and advising them to pull up +their socks, as I should resist like a madman. I don't know what's the +matter with you." + +We endeavoured to smooth him down. + +"And if," purred Daphne, "if there should be any--that is--what I mean +is, should any question arise----" + +Berry laughed hysterically. + +"Yes," he said, "go on. 'Any question.' Such as whether they can give +me more than five years' hard labour. I understand." + +"--get on the telephone to Berwick. He knows the President personally +and can do anything." + +"Sweetheart," replied her husband, "you may bet your most precious +life.... If Berwick wasn't in Paris, I wouldn't touch the business +with the end of a forty-foot pole." + +"I wish I was going with you," said Daphne wistfully. + +Berry took off his hat. + +"You are," he said gently, "you are." He laid his hand upon his heart. +"I wish I could put the tobacco in the same poor place. But that's +impossible. For one thing, lady, you've all the room there is." + +Which was pretty good for a king who hadn't been a courtier for nearly +nine years. + + * * * * * + +It was upon the following afternoon that Adele, who was brushing Nobby, +sat back on her heels. + +"When Jill," she said, "becomes the Duchess of Padua, what bloods we +shall be." + +"She isn't there yet," said I. + +"Where?" + +"My sweet," said I, "I apologise. I was using a figure of speech, +which is at once slipshod and American." + +"That," said my wife, "is the worst of being English. You're like the +Indian tailor who was given a coat to copy and reproduced a tear in the +sleeve. Imitation can be too faithful. Never mind. I forgive you." + +"D'you hear that, Nobby?" The terrier started to his feet. "Did you +hear what the woman said? That we, who have founded precedents from +time immemorial--that you and I, who taught America to walk----" + +"He's Welsh," said Adele. + +"I don't care. It's scandalous. Who defiled the Well of English? And +now we're blamed for drinking the water." + +Adele looked out of the window and smiled at a cloud. + +"Once," she said slowly, "once I asked you if you would have known I +was an American.... And when you said 'Yes,' I asked you why.... Do +you remember your answer? ... Of course," she added swiftly, "that was +before we were married." + +"You beautiful witch," said I. "You unkind, beautiful witch. You've +only to touch the water with the tip of your little red tongue to make +it pure. You've only to put your lips to it to make it the sweetest +music that ever a poor fool heard. You've only to smile like that to +make me proud to kiss your shining foot." + +"Nobby!" cried Adele. "Oh, Nobby! Did you hear that? Did you hear +what the man said? A real courtier's speech! But how can he kiss my +feet when I'm sitting on them?" + +I stepped to her side, picked her up, and swung her on to a table. + +Then I kissed her sweet insteps. + +From her perch my wife addressed the Sealyham. + +"It's all right, Nobby," she said relievedly. "He is a king, after +all. Only a king would have done that." + +As I sat down by her side-- + +"I'd love to be a queen," cried a voice. "Love to. Wouldn't you like +to be a king?" + +It was Jill speaking. + +The fresh tones came floating up and in at the open window. She could +not have heard our words. It was pure coincidence. + +Adele and I sat very still. + +"I don't know," said Piers slowly. + +"I'll tell you what I'd do," said Jill. "I'd--Piers, what is the +matter?" + +"Nothing," said Piers. + +"There is," said Jill accusingly. "You know there is. I can see it in +your eyes. What are you thinking about?" + +"I--I don't know," stammered her swain. + +"I think you might tell me," said Jill aggrievedly. "I always tell you +everything. Once or twice lately you've got all quiet suddenly--I +can't think why. Is it because your aunt's coming?" + +Piers laughed bitterly. + +"Good Heavens, no," he said. + +"Well, why is it, then?" + +For a moment there was no answer. + +Then all of a sudden the sluice-gate of speech was pulled up. + +"Oh, Jill, Jill, Jill... I could go on saying your name for the rest +of my life! I say it all the way home. I say it as I'm going to +sleep. I say it when I wake in the morning... I saw you first at +Biarritz. You never knew. I was staying with some Italian people. +They've got a place there. And I was alone in the grounds. And then I +saw you--with Boy. You looked so wonderful.... All in green you were, +standing with your feet close together, and your head on one side. +Your hair was coming down, and the sun was shining on it.... I found +out who you were, and came to Pau. I wanted to get to know you. I +felt I must. And, whenever you all went out, I followed in the +two-seater. And then--I got to know you--at St. Bertrand--that +wonderful, wonderful day.... I--was--so--awfully--happy.... And +now"--his voice sank to a wail--"I wish I hadn't. If only I'd stopped +to think.... But I didn't. I just knew I wanted to be with you, and +that was all. Oh," he burst out suddenly, "why did I ever do it? Why +did I ever follow you--that wonderful day? If I'd dreamed how +miserable it'd make me, how miserably wretched I'd be... It's the +dreadful hopelessness, Jill, the dreadful hopelessness.... But I can't +help it. It's something stronger than me. It's not enough to be with +you. I want to touch you: I want to put my arms round your neck: I +want to play with your hair.... Of course I'm terribly lucky to be +able to kiss your hand, but---- Ah, don't be frightened. I was--only +playing, Jill, only pretending. And now I'm going to be all serious +again--not quiet, but serious. Good-bye, Madonna. Have you ever seen +_Pagliacci_? Where the fellow bursts into tears? I think I could do +that part this afternoon...." + +A light padding upon the gravel came to our ears. + +Then a car's door slammed. + +A moment later Piers' two-seater purred its way down the drive.... + +Adele and I continued to sit very still. + +Presently I turned to her and raised my eyebrows. + +"Hopelessness?" I whispered. "Hopelessness? What on earth does he +mean?" + +My wife shrugged her shoulders helplessly. + +Then she laid a finger upon her lips. + +I nodded obediently. + + * * * * * + +"Yes," said Berry, "you see in me a nervous wreck. My heart's +misfiring, I'm over at the knees, and with the slightest encouragement +I can break into a cold sweat." + +He sank into a chair and covered his eyes.... + +I had meant to meet him at the station, but the early train had beaten +me, so Fitch had gone with the car. Indeed, it was not yet eight +o'clock, and Daphne was still abed. That had not prevented us from +following Berry into her room, any more than had the fact that no one +of us was ready for breakfast. I had no coat or waistcoat: so far as +could be seen, Jonah was attired in a Burberry and a pair of trousers: +a glance at Adele suggested that she was wearing a fur coat, silk +stockings, and a tortoise-shell comb, while Jill was wrapped in a +kimono, with her fresh fair hair tumbled about her shoulders. + +Jonah voiced our anxiety. + +"You--you've got the goods?" + +"They're downstairs," said Berry. "But don't question me. I can't +bear it. I'll tell you all in a minute, but you must let me alone. +Above all, don't thwart me. I warn you, my condition is critical." + +He sighed heavily. + +Apparently impressed by his demeanour, Nobby approached, set his paws +upon his knee, and licked his face. + +"There you are," said Berry, lifting the dog to his lap. "The very +fowls of the air pity me. No, it's not a sore, old chap. It's where I +cut myself yesterday. But I'm just as grateful. And now lie still, my +beauty, and poor old Sit-tight the Smuggler will tell you such a tale +as will thicken your blood. + +"Upon Friday morning last I purchased a uniform-case. Not a new +one--the oldest and most weather-beaten relic I could procure. On +Friday evening I packed it. One thousand cigars, five thousand +cigarettes, and six pounds of tobacco looked very well in it. My +sword, a pair of field boots, breeches, coat--carefully folded to +display the staff badges--and my red hat looked even better. I filled +up with socks, shirts, puttees, slacks, spurs and all the old emblems +of Mars that I could lay my hands on. Finally I leavened the lot with +a pound of the best white pepper--to discourage the moths, my fellow, +to discourage the moths." + +His tone suggesting the discomfiture of the wicked, the Sealyham barked +his applause. + +"Quite so. Well, I locked the case up and corded it, and precisely at +ten o'clock I retired to bed. + +"I never remember feeling so full of beans as I did the next morning. +I could have bluffed my way across Europe with a barrel of whiskey on a +lead. I felt ready for anything. Sharp at a quarter to eleven I was +at the station, and one minute later a porter, with the physique of a +blacksmith, had the box on his shoulder and my dressing-case in his +hand. + +"It was as he was preparing to lay his spoils at the feet of the +registration-monger that my bearer trod upon a banana-skin.... To say +that he took a toss, conveys nothing at all. It was the sort of fall +you dream of--almost too good to be true. And my uniform-case, of +which he never let go, described a very beautiful parabola, and then +came down upon the weigh-bridge, as the swiple of an uplifted flail +comes down upon grain.... + +"Both hinges went, of course. It says much for the box that the whole +thing didn't melt then and there. If I hadn't corded it, most of the +stuff would have been all over the Vauxhall Bridge Road. + +"Well, I was so rattled that I could hardly think. I joined +mechanically in the laughter, I assured complete strangers that it +didn't matter at all, I carried through the registration like a man in +a dream, and I tipped everybody I could see. It was as I was thrusting +blindly towards the gates that I first realised that half the people in +the place were sneezing to glory. I was still digesting this +phenomenon when I sneezed myself.... + +"Still it never occurred to me. There are times when you have to be +told right out. I didn't have to wait long. + +"As I presented my ticket, a truck full of luggage was pushed through +the gate next to mine. The porters about it were sneezing bitterly. +'Snuff?' said one of them contemptuously. 'Snuff be blarsted! _It's +pepper!_' + +"Whether at that moment my stomach in fact slipped or not I am unable +to say, but the impression that my contents had dropped several inches +was overwhelming. + +"I staggered into the Pullman, more dead than alive.... After a large +barley and a small water, I felt somewhat revived, but it was not until +the train was half-way to Dover that I had myself in hand. I was just +beginning under the auspices of a second milk and soda, to consider my +hideous plight, when a genial fool upon the opposite side of the table +asked me if I had 'witnessed the comedy at Victoria.' Icily I +inquired: 'What comedy?' He explained offensively that 'some cuckoo +had tried the old wheeze of stuffing pepper in his trunk to put off the +Customs,' and that the intended deterrent had untimely emerged. My +brothers, conceive my exhilaration. 'The old wheeze.' I could have +broken the brute's neck. When he offered me a filthy-looking cigar +with a kink in it, and said with a leer that I shouldn't 'get many like +that on the other side of the Chops,' I could have witnessed his +mutilation unmoved.... + +"Still, it's an ill wind.... The swine's words were like a spur. I +became determined to get the stuff through. + +"Grimly I watched the case go on to the boat, to the accompaniment of +such nasal convulsions as I had never believed to be consistent with +life itself. By way of diverting suspicion, I asked one of the crew +what was the matter. His blasphemous answer was charged with such +malignity that I found it necessary to stay myself with yet another +still lemonade. + +"Arrived at Calais, I hurried on board the train. + +"The journey to Paris was frightful. The nearer we got, the more +dishevelled became my wits. The power of concentration deserted me. +Finally, as we were running in, I found that I had forgotten the French +for 'moths.' I'd looked it out the night before: I'd been murmuring it +all day long: and now, at the critical moment, it had deserted me. I +clasped my head in my hands and thought like a madman. Nothing doing. +I thought all round it, of course. I thought of candles and camphor +and dusk. My vocabulary became gigantic, but it did not include the +French equivalent for 'moths.' In desperation I approached my +_vis-a-vis_ and, in broken accents, implored him to tell me 'the French +for the little creatures which you find in your clothes.'... + +"I like the French. If I'd asked an Englishman, he'd have pulled the +communication-cord, but this fellow never so much as stared. He just +released a little spurt of good-will and then started in, as if his +future happiness depended on putting me straight. 'But I was meaning +the fleas. Oh, indubitably. Animals most gross. Only last November +he himself....' It took quite a lot of persuasion to get him off +fleas. Then he offered me lice. I managed to make him understand that +the attack was delivered when the clothes were unoccupied. Instantly +he suggested rats. With an effort I explained that the things I meant +were winged. As the train came to a standstill, he handed me +'_chauvesouris_.' Bats! I ask you.... + +"I stepped on to the platform as if I was descending into my tomb. How +I got to the baggage-room, I'm hanged if I know; but I remember +standing there, shivering and wiping the sweat off my face. Truck by +truck the registered baggage appeared.... + +"I heard my case coming for about a quarter of a mile. + +"The architecture of the baggage-room at the _Gare du Nord_ may be +crude, but its acoustic properties are superb. The noise which +accompanied the arrival of the cortege was simply ear-splitting. I was +in the very act of wondering whether, if I decided to retire, my legs +would carry me, when, with a crash, my uniform-case was slammed on to +the counter three paces away.... + +"A cloud of pepper arose from it, and in an instant all was confusion. +Passengers and porters in the vicinity dropped everything and made a +rush for the doors. A Customs official, who was plumbing the depths of +a basket-trunk, turned innocently enough to see the case smoking at his +elbow, dropped his cigar into some blouses, let out the screech of a +maniac and threw himself face downward upon the floor. Somebody cried: +'Women and children first!' And, the supreme moment having arrived, +I--I had the brain-wave. + +"I stepped to the case and, with most horrible oaths, flung my hat upon +the ground, smote upon the counter with my fist and started to rave +like a fanatic. I made the most awful scene. I roared out that it was +my box, and that it and its contents were irretrievably ruined. +Gradually curiosity displaced alarm, and people began to return. I +yelled and stamped more than ever. I denounced the French railways, I +demanded the station-master, I swore I'd have damages, I tore off the +cords, I lifted the lid, I alternately sneezed and raged, and, finally, +I took out my tunic and shook it savagely. In vain the excisemen +insisted that it was not their business. I cursed them bitterly, +jerked an ounce of pepper out of a pair of brogues, and replied that +they were responsible.... + +"It was after I had shaken my second pair of slacks that the officials, +with streaming eyes, began to beseech me to unpack the case no further. +If only they'd known, I didn't need much inducing. I could see the +shape of a cigarette-box under one of my shirts. Of course I argued a +bit, for the look of the thing, but eventually I allowed myself to be +persuaded and shoved the kit back. Finally they scrawled all over the +lid with pieces of chalk, and, vowing the most hideous vengeance and +invoking the British Ambassador, I stalked in the wake of my box out of +the station. + +"I was through. + +"I had my dinner in bed. I think I deserved it. Still, I suppose it +was indiscreet to have ordered lobster _a la Newburg_. I have slept +better. I _was_ sleeping better at half-past eight the next morning, +when a waiter entered to say that _there was an official to see me from +the Gare du Nord_.... + +"Believing it to be another dream, I turned over and shut my eyes. The +waiter approached and, touching me on the arm, repeated his ghastly +communication. With a frightful effort I explained that I had the ague +and could see nobody for some days. Mercifully he retired, and for a +little space I lay in a sort of trance. After a bit I began to wonder +what, in the name of Heaven, I was to do. I was afraid to get up, and +I was afraid to stay in bed. I was afraid to stop in the hotel, and I +was terrified of meeting the official downstairs. I was afraid to +leave the case there, and I was still more afraid to take it away. I +was getting hungry, and I was afraid to ring for breakfast. It was a +positively poisonous position. Finally, after a lot of thought, I got +up, bolted the door, unpacked the blasted box and shoved all the +tobacco in the drawers of the wardrobe. Luckily there was a key. The +kit I disposed naturally enough. Then I had a bath and dressed. + +"As I was fastening my collar, the telephone went. It was the _Gare du +Nord_. I jammed the receiver back. + +"As I passed through the hall, a clerk dashed after me 'The _Gare du +Nord_,' he said, 'were insisting upon seeing me about a case of mine.' +I replied that I was busy all day, and could see nobody before six +o'clock. I didn't mention that my train went at five. It was as well +I didn't argue, for, as I left the hotel, a station official entered. +I leapt into a taxi and told the driver to go to _Notre Dame_. Not +that I felt like Church, but it was the first place I could think of. +Somebody shouted after me, but--well, you know how they drive in Paris. +I stopped round the second corner, discharged the taxi, and walked to a +restaurant. By rights, I should have been ravenous. As it was, the +food stuck in my throat. A bottle of lime-juice, however, pulled me +together. After luncheon I went to a cinema--I had to do something. +Besides, the darkness attracted me.... I fancy I dozed for a bit. Any +way, the first thing I remember was a couple of men being arrested in +the lounge of a hotel. It was most realistic. What was more, the +clerk who had run after me in the morning and the clerk on the screen +might have been twins.... I imagine that my hair rose upon my head, +and for the second time it seemed certain that I had mislaid my paunch. + +"I got out of the place somehow, to find that it was snowing. For the +next hour I drove up and down the _Champs Elysees_. I only hope the +driver enjoyed it more than I did. At last, when pneumonia seemed very +near, I told him to drive to the hotel. + +"I fairly whipped through the hall and into the lift. As this +ascended, a page arrived at the gate and spoke upward. I didn't hear +what he said. + +"When I was in a hot bath, the telephone went. I let the swine ring. +Finally somebody came and knocked at the door. Of my wisdom I hadn't +bolted it, so, after waiting a little, they entered. I lay in the bath +like the dead. After a good look round, they went away.... + +"By twenty past four I'd dressed, and repacked the case. I rang for a +porter, told him to shove it on a taxi, and descended to settle my +bill. Mercifully, the clerk who had stopped me in the morning was off +duty. I could have squealed with delight. I paid my reckoning, tipped +about eight people I'd never seen before, and climbed into the cab. +Ten minutes later I was at the _Quai d'Orsay_. + +"By the time I was in the wagon lit it was ten minutes to five.... + +"I sank down upon the seat in silent gratitude. The comfortable glow +of salvation began to steal over my limbs. I looked benevolently about +me. I reflected that, after all, the last thirty hours of my life had +been rich with valuable experience. Smilingly I decided not to regret +them. When I thought of the scene in the baggage-room, I actually +laughed. Then the conductor put his head in at the door and said that +there was somebody to see me from the _Gare du Nord_." + +Berry suspended his recital and buried his face in his hands. + +"I shall never be the same again," he said brokenly. "Never again. Up +to then I had a chance--a sporting chance of recovery. At that moment +it snapped. In a blinding flash I saw what a fool I'd been. If I'd +only stayed on the platform, if I'd only gone into the restaurant car, +if I'd only locked myself in a lavatory till the train had started, I +should have been all right. As it was, I was caught--bending. + +"It was the official I'd seen in the morning all right. After a +preliminary flurry of ejaculation, he locked the door behind him and +began to talk.... Don't ask me what he said, because I didn't hear. +When the rope's round your neck, you're apt to miss the subtleties of +the hangman's charge. After a time I realised that he was asking me a +question. I stared at him dully and shook my head. With a gesture of +despair, he glanced at his watch. + +"'_Monsieur_,' he said, 'the train departs. I have sought you all day. +The superintendent has told me to speak with you at all costs--to beg +that you will lodge no complaint. He is desolated that your baggage +was injured. It is a misfortune frightful. He cannot think how it has +occurred. But to complain--no. I will tell _Monsieur_ the truth. +Twice in the last half-year an English officer's baggage has gone +astray. But one more complaint from your Embassy, and the +superintendent will be replaced. And in ten short days, _Monsieur_, he +will have won his pension.... Ah, _Monsieur_, be merciful.' + +"I was merciful. + +"I waved the fellow away and swore haltingly that I would say nothing. +We mingled a few tears, and he got out as the train was moving.... + +"And there you are. I'd got my reprieve. Everything in the garden was +lovely. But I couldn't enjoy it. My spirits failed to respond." He +took the Sealyham's head between his hands and gazed into his eyes. + + "O Nobwell, Nob-well! + Had I but seen the fool at half-past eight + As he desired, he would not in the train + Have put the wind up me so hellishly." + + +There was a moment's silence. + +Then Jonah stepped to my brother-in-law and clapped him on the back. + +"Brother," he said, "I take my hat off. I tell you frankly I couldn't +have done it. I wouldn't have claimed that case at Paris for a +thousand pounds." + +Clamorously we endorsed his approval. + +By way of acknowledgment the hero groaned. + +"What you want," said I, "is a good night's rest. By mid-day to-morrow +you'll be touching the ground in spots." + +"I shan't be touching it at all," said Berry. "If it's nice and warm, +I shall have a Bath chair, which you and Jonah will propel at a +convenient pace. Nobby will sit at my feet as a hostage against your +careless negotiation of gradients." He drew a key from his pocket and +pitched it on to a table. "I fancy," he added, "I heard them put the +case on the landing: and as I propose, decorative though it is, to +remove my beard, perhaps one of you wasters will fetch me a cigarette." + +There was a rush for the door. + +True enough, the uniform-case was outside. + +Jonah and I had its cords off in twenty seconds. + +One hinge was broken and some khaki was protruding. + +Adele thrust the key into the lock. This was too stiff for her +fingers, so after a desperate struggle, she let me have at the wards.... + +After an exhausting two minutes we sent for a cold-chisel.... + +As the lock yielded, Berry appeared upon the scene. + +For a moment he stared at us. Then-- + +"But why not gun-cotton?" he inquired. "That's the stuff to open a +broken box with, if you don't like the look of the key. You know, +you're thwarting me. And don't try to turn the lid back, because there +aren't any hin----" + +The sentence was never finished. + +As I lifted the lid, my brother-in-law fell upon his knees. With +trembling hands he plucked at a Jaeger rug, reposing, carefully folded, +upon the top of some underclothes. Then he threw back his head and +took himself by the throat. + +"Goats and monkeys!" he shrieked. "_It's somebody else's case!_" + + * * * * * + +When, twenty-four hours later, a letter arrived from Piers' aunt, +inviting us all to tea, we accepted, not because we felt inclined to go +junketing, but because we did not wish to seem rude. + +We were in a peevish mood. For this the loss of our forbidden fruit +was indirectly responsible. The immediate cause of our ill-humour was +the exasperating reflection that we were debarred from taking even +those simple steps which lead to the restoration of lost luggage. We +stood in the shoes of a burglar who has been robbed of his spoils. As +like as not, our precious uniform-case was lying at the station, +waiting to be claimed. Yet we dared not inquire, because of what our +inquiries might bring forth. Of course the authorities might be +totally ignorant of its contents. But then, again, they might not. It +was a risk we could not take. The chance that, by identifying our +property, we might be at once accusing and convicting ourselves of +smuggling a very large quantity of tobacco, was too considerable. +There were moments when Jonah and I, goaded to desperation, felt ready +to risk penal servitude and 'have a dart' at the bait. But Berry would +not permit us. If things went wrong, he declared, he was bound to be +involved--hideously. And he'd had enough of thin ice. The wonder was, +his hair wasn't white.... By the time we had swung him round, our own +courage had evaporated. + +As for Piers, no one of us had seen or heard from him for five whole +days. Ever since his extraordinary outburst upon the verandah, the boy +had made himself scarce. While we were all perplexed, Jill took his +absence to heart. She mourned openly. She missed her playfellow +bitterly, and said as much. And when three days had gone by and the +last post had brought no word of him, she burst into tears. The next +morning there were rings beneath her great grey eyes. She was far too +artless to pretend that she did not care. Such a course of action +never occurred to her. She had no idea, of course, that she was in +love. + +All the same, when upon Wednesday afternoon the cars were waiting to +take us to tea with Mrs. Waterbrook, my cousin leaned over the +banisters with a bright red spot upon either cheek. + +"I say," she cried, "I'm not coming." + +One and all, we stared up amazedly. + +"Not coming?" cried Daphne. "But, darling----" + +Jill stamped her small foot. + +"N-no," she said shakily. "I'm not. And--and, if he asks after me, +say I'm awfully well, but I felt I wanted a walk. I'm going to take +Nobby out." + +Her skirts whirled, and she was gone. + +Adele flew after her, while the rest of us stood whispering in the +hall. Five minutes later the two descended together. But while we +others climbed into the cars, Jill twitched a lead from the rack and +took her stand upon the steps, with Nobby leaping for joy about her +sides. And when she cried "Good-bye," there was a ring in her tone +which sounded too glad to be true. + +Mrs. Waterbrook was perfectly charming. + +As we were ushered into a really beautiful salon, she rose from a +little bureau--a tall, graceful figure, with masses of pretty grey hair +and warm brown eyes. + +"My dear," she said to Daphne, "what a beautiful creature you are!" She +turned to Adele. "As for you, if I were your husband, I'm afraid I +should have a swelled head. Which is he? Ah, I see by the light in +his eyes.... Of course, I ought to have called upon you, but I'm lazy +by nature, and my car won't be here till to-morrow. And now I must +thank you for being so kind to Piers. He ought to be here, of course. +But where he is, I don't know. I've hardly seen him since I arrived. +He seems to be crazy about his uncomfortable car. Went to Bordeaux and +back yesterday--three hundred miles, if you please. I feel weak when I +think of it. And now please tell me about yourselves. Beyond that +you're all delightful, I've heard nothing from him." + +I would not have believed that one woman could entertain five strangers +with such outstanding success. Within five minutes Jonah and Daphne +were by her side upon the sofa, Adele was upon the hearth at their +feet. Berry was leaning against the mantelpiece, and I was sitting +upon the arm of an adjacent chair, describing our meeting with Piers a +fortnight ago. + +"I don't know his age," I concluded. "I take it he's about nineteen. +But he's got the airs and graces of Peter Pan." + +"Piers," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "is twenty-five. His mother was my +sister. She married his father when she was seventeen. He was twenty +years older than she, but they were awfully happy. The blood's pure +English, although the title's Italian. The fief of the duchy goes with +it. They were given to Piers' great-grandfather--he was a +diplomat--for services rendered. A recent attempt to dispossess the +boy mercifully failed." She looked round about her. "By the way, I +thought there were six of you. Piers gave me the number, but neither +gender nor anything else." + +"There's a female to come," said Berry. "But I don't think she will +to-day. She's a wayward child. We'll send her round to apologise +to-morrow." + +Here coffee and chocolate were served. + +"I must apologise," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "for giving you no tea. But +there you are." She sighed. "What tea you can get in France reminds +me of grocer's port. I won't touch it myself, and I haven't the face +to offer it to my guests. I usually bring some from England; but I--I +didn't this time." She passed a hand across her eyes, as though to +brush away a memory. "After all, you needn't come again, need you?" + +"But we do the same," said Daphne. "We've given up tea. Up to last +week, I clung to a cup before breakfast. But now I've stopped it." + +"Yes," said Berry. "It was affecting her brain. Ten minutes after +she'd swallowed it, she used to begin to wonder why she married me." + +"I believe you," said Mrs. Waterbrook. "You can't drink French tea and +be resigned. Now, a cup of well-made chocolate affords relief." + +Before Berry could reply, she had pointed to an old china box and said +that it contained cigarettes. + +If she had said that it was full of black pearls, she could not have +created more excitement. Besides, there was a confidence in her tone +that set my nerves tingling. It was, I felt sure, no "grocer's port" +that she was commending. And I--we, with the exception of Berry, had +not smoked a good cigarette for nearly six weeks.... + +As Jonah handed the box to Daphne, I strove to look unconcerned. + +"And if anybody likes cigars," added Mrs. Waterbrook, "there are some +in that silver box by Major Pleydell." + +Berry started, said, "Oh--er--thanks very much," and opened the box. +Then he took out a cigar, idly enough. + +I became conscious that Daphne's and Adele's eyes were upon me as Jonah +brought me the cigarettes. I took one without looking, and stared +back. Instantly their eyes shifted to the cigarette in my hand. I +followed their gaze, to behold one of the brand which I had smoked +invariably for seven years. + +Dazedly I looked across at Berry, to see him regarding his cigar with +bulging eyes.... + +As in a dream, I heard Jonah's voice. + +"You must forgive my cousins. They're not being rude. To tell you the +truth, we've recently had a bereavement. A particularly cherished +friend, who was to furnish us all with tobacco for several months, +disappeared in sickening circumstances only two days ago. The cigar +and the cigarette have revived some painful memories." + +Our hostess opened and closed her mouth before replying. + +Then-- + +"What," she said faintly, "what was your--er--cherished friend like?" + +Berry started to his feet. + +"Both hinges gone," he shouted, "tied up with rope--reeking of +pepper----" + +Mrs. Waterbrook interrupted him with a shriek. + +"He's outside my bedroom," she wailed. "By the side of the tall-boy. +I suppose it's too much to hope that you've got my tea." + +"Tea?" we screamed. + +"Tea," piped our hostess. "Beautiful China tea. Thirty-five pounds of +it. Under the camisoles." + +Berry raised his eyes to heaven. + +"Modesty forbade us," he said, "to go further than the b-b-b-bust +b-b-b-bodices." + + * * * * * + +It was in the midst of our rejoicing that Piers set foot on the +verandah. For a moment he stood staring, pardonably bewildered, at the +two smugglers, who were saluting one another respectively with a +profound curtsey and the most elaborate of bows. Then he pulled open +the great window and stepped hesitatingly into the room. + +As he did so, the door was flung open, and a man-servant appeared. + +"Mees Mansel," he announced. + +Nobby entered anyhow, pleasedly lugging Jill into the room. + +"Why, Jill!" cried Daphne. "My dear.... Mrs. Waterbrook, let me +introduce----" + +"_But that's not Miss Mansel!_" + +It was Piers' voice. + +With one accord we turned, staring.... + +With arm outstretched, the boy was pointing at Jill. + +For a moment nobody moved. + +Then Piers sprang forward and caught Jill's hands in his. + +"Jill!" he panted. "Jill, you're not Miss Mansel?" + +"Yes, I am," said Jill steadily. + +"But I thought you were married to Boy. I thought--I thought Adele was +Miss Mansel." + +"Oh, Piers," said Jill reproachfully. "And she's got a wedding-ring +on." + +Piers stared at Jill's hand. + +"I--I never thought of that," he said slowly. "I am silly." A +wonderful smile came tearing to light his face. "But oh, Jill," he +faltered, "I--am--so--awfully--glad!" + +Never, I fancy, was love so simply declared. + +For a moment Jill looked at him. Then her eyes fell, and an exquisite +blush came stealing into her cheeks. + +For an instant Piers hesitated. Then he let fall her fingers and +turned about, flushing furiously.... + +Before he had found his tongue, my cousin advanced to her hostess and +put out her hand. + +"I'm afraid I'm awfully late," she said quietly. + +Mrs. Waterbrook stooped and kissed her. + +"My darling," she said softly, "it was worth waiting for." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +HOW DAPHNE LOST HER BEDFELLOW, AND THE LINE OF LEAST RESISTANCE PROVED +IRRESISTIBLE. + +Order, so to speak, having been restored, and the path of love made +straight beyond all manner of doubt, we decided festively to make an +excursion to Spain. The fact that Piers could speak Spanish suggested +that all the arrangements should be left in his hands. We embraced the +suggestion cordially. Then, at the eleventh hour, a courteously +imperative wire from his solicitors had deprived us of our courier.... + +The Duke of Padua had left Pau that evening, and all six of us had gone +to the station to speed him to Paris and Rome. My cousin's farewell to +her future husband had been ridiculously affecting. Polonius' advice +to his son was above rubies, but Jill's charge came pelting out of an +eager heart. + +"Oh, and Piers darling, you will take care, won't you? And do wear +warm things. I'm sure it's still most awfully cold up there, and--and +I don't know what men wear extra, but couldn't you put on a bodybelt?" + +"Binder, dear, binder," corrected Berry. + +"Well, binder, then. I remember Jonah saying----" + +"Never," said her brother. + +"Yes, you did. You said the great thing was to keep warm round +the--er--round the hips." + +Berry looked round. + +"All women and children," he said, "will leave the Court." + +"Piers, you will, won't you? For my sake. Oh, and don't forget you've +got to get some sock-suspenders, because your left one comes down. And +be very careful crossing the streets. Wait till there's a gap--always. +And don't drink the water, will you? Don't even use it for your teeth. +Daphne won't." + +"That's right," said Berry. "Do as she does. Combine business with +pleasure and clean them in a small Worthington." + +"Oh, and lock your door at night. Just in case. And, Piers darling, I +love you very much, and--and God bless you, dear, and I shall just wait +and wait for you to come back again." + +Hat in hand, Piers put her fingers to his lips. + +"Good-bye, Madonna." + +They kissed one another passionately. + +The next moment the train was moving, and the Duke swung himself on to +the step of the _wagon lit_. + +Jill began to trot by his side.... + +When she could run no faster, my cousin gave up the attempt and stood +waving her tiny handkerchief and then staring after the train. + +As we came up, she turned to us bravely. + +"I hope," she said shakily, "I hope he'll get on all right. He's such +a child," she added, knitting her pretty brow. "I wish to goodness we +were married. Then I could have gone with him." She stumbled, and I +caught her. She looked up at me with her grey eyes swimming. "I've +often seen you off, Boy, but I wasn't silly like this." + +"It's a question of interest, darling. Piers is your very own pigeon." + +Jill wiped her eyes thoughtfully. + +"I suppose that's it," she said slowly. "My very own.... Boy, will +you take me to a tailor's? I want to get a binder." + +Ere we sat down to dinner that night, two stout body-belts had been +dispatched to Paris by registered post. + + * * * * * + +"Satisfactorily," said Berry, restoring his napkin to his knees, "to +consume oxtail, one should be stripped to the waist." + +"That'll do," said Daphne. + +"As a rule," said her husband, "it will. Of course, for a really +careless feeder, still further divestment may be desirable. Afterwards +he can be hosed. And now about Spain. Of course, without Piers to +talk for us, we shall be mocked, misled, and generally stung to glory. +But there you are. If you're landed with half a kingdom, I guess it's +up to you to take possession." + +"As at present arranged," said Jonah, "we start the day after +to-morrow, spend one night at Pampeluna, two at San Sebastian, and get +back on Saturday." + +"One clear day," murmured Daphne. "I suppose that'll give us time." + +"What's there to do," said Adele, "besides packing?" + +"Not much," said Jonah. "The passports have been visa-ed, and that's +the main thing. We must get some money at the bank--Spanish money, I +mean--book rooms, run over the cars... I can't think of anything else." + +"We'd better take some insecticide," said Berry. "Spain's very +conservative." + +"Nonsense," said Daphne. + +"All right," said her husband. "Only, on the command 'Ter-rot,' don't +wake me to inspect the bodyguard. Have we any castanets? And what +about some sombreros? I mean, I want to do the thing properly." + +"Thanks," said his wife. "But if you're going in fancy dress, I'd +rather remain at Pau. I haven't forgotten our second Sunday here." + +"I shall always maintain," was the reply, "that I was suitably dressed. +On the previous Sunday I had carefully studied the fashions upon the +Boulevard, and I flatter myself that, had I been permitted to appear in +public, my attire would have found immediate favour." + +"If," said I, "I remember aright, it consisted of a white bowler, a +morning-coat, golf-breeches, blue silk stockings and cloth-topped +boots." + +"That's right," said Berry. "And an alpenstock. I ought really to +have had my cuffs trimmed with skunk," he added wistfully, "but I +thought of it too late." + +"I tell you what," said Adele. "We must take some films." + +"That's right," said Jill. "I promised Piers we'd send him some +snapshots." + +Jonah groaned. + +"Surely," he said, "our passport photographs are bad enough." + +"The camera," said Berry, "can never lie. Besides, I'm very fond of +your passport portrait. I admit I hadn't previously noticed that your +right ear was so much the larger of the two, but the cast in your left +eye is very beautifully insisted upon. Mine, I must confess, is less +successful. Had I been told that it was a study of the Honorary +Treasurer of the Splodgeworth Goose Club on bail, I should have held it +an excellent likeness. Daphne's is very good. She's wearing that +particularly sweet expression of hers. You can almost hear her saying, +'Mine's a large port.' Apart, they're bad enough, but with both of +them on the same document--well, why we weren't turned back at Boulogne +I shall never know. Boy's, again, is lifelike." + +"Shame," said Adele. "He looks all bloated." + +"I know he does, sweetheart. But that's his own fault. What's put in +the mouth comes out in the flesh. The camera can never lie. And now +don't choke. It's unmaidenly. And I cannot think of you as a matron. +Let's see. Oh, yes. Films. Anything else?" + +"Soap," said Daphne. + +"Fountain-pen," said Jill. + +"Cards," said Adele. + +"Tea," said Daphne. + +"Beer-opener," said I. + +"Plate and linen," said Berry. "That's nine. Let's go by train." + +"Anybody," said Jonah, "would think that we were going into the bush. +If you must have a camera--well, take one. But as for soap and tea and +beer-openers and fountain-pens--oh, you make me tired." + +"And me," said Berry unctuously. "A plain man of few words, all this +vulgar mouth-wash about creature comforts----" + +It was hardly to be expected that he would get any further.... + +It was when the storm of indignation was at its height that the +electric light failed. + +Four of us breathed the same expletive simultaneously. + +Then-- + +"Lost," said Berry's voice. "Two cheese-straws and a blob of French +mustard. Finder will be----" The crash of glass interrupted him. +"Don't move, Falcon, or you'll wreck the room. Besides, it'll soon be +dawn. The nights are getting shorter every day." + +"Very good, sir," replied the butler. + +"They'll bring some candles in a minute," said Daphne. + +"What we really want," said my brother-in-law, "is a prismatic compass." + +"What for?" said Jill. + +"To take a bearing with. Then we should know where the port was, and I +could peel you a banana. Or would you rather suck it?" + +"Brute!" said Jill, shuddering. "Oh, why is the dark so horrid?" + +"The situation," said I, "calls for philosophy." + +"True," said Berry. "Now, similarly placed, what would Epicurus have +done?" + +"I think," said Adele, "he'd have continued his discourse, as if +nothing had happened." + +"Good girl," said Jonah. "Any more queries about Pampeluna?" + +"Yes," said my sister. "How exactly do we go?" + +"We go," said I, "to St. Jean-Pied-de-Port. There we get a permit to +take the cars into Spain. Then we go over the mountains by Roncevaux. +It's a wonderful drive, they say, but the very deuce of a climb. +Pampeluna's about fifty kilometres from the top of the pass. If we get +off well, we ought to be there in time for tea." + +"Easily," said Jonah. "It's only a hundred and twenty miles." + +I shrugged my shoulders and resumed a surreptitious search for the +chocolates. + +"I expect we shall strike some snow," I said. + +"Snow?" cried Jill. + +"Rather," said Berry. "And avalanches. The cars will be roped +together. Then, if one falls, it'll take the other with it. Will +somebody pass me the grape-tongs? I've found a walnut." + +"Why on earth," said Daphne, "don't they bring some candles? Falcon!" + +"Yes, madam?" + +"Try to find the door, and go and see what they're doing." + +"Very good, madam." + +With infinite care the butler emerged from the room. As the door +closed-- + +"And now," said Adele, "I can't bear it any longer. Where _are_ the +chocolates?" + +"My dear," said my sister, "I've been feeling for the wretched things +ever since the light went out. Hasn't anybody got a match?" + +Nobody had a match. + +At length---- + +"They can't have been put on the table," said Jill. "I've----" + +"Here they are," said Berry. + +"Where?" + +"Here. Give me your pretty white hand." + +"This isn't them," said Jill. "They're in---- Oh, you brute! You've +done it on purpose." + +"I'm awfully sorry," said Berry. "I quite thought----" + +"You liar!" said Jill heatedly. "You did it on purpose. You know you +did. Daphne, he's gone and put my hand in the ginger." + +"It'll wear off, dear," said Berry. "It'll wear off. By the time +Piers is back, you'll hardly know...." + +The apologetic entry of Falcon with two inches of candle upon a plate +cut short the prophecy. + +As he solemnly set the brand in the centre of the table, the light +returned with a flash.... + +It was when the butler had placed the wine before Berry and was about +to withdraw, that Daphne asked for the chocolates. + +Falcon peered at the table. + +"They were there, madam," he said. + +Berry looked round uneasily. + +"I think, perhaps," he began stooping to feel under his chair, "I +think--I mean, fearing lest in the confusion...." + +He broke off, to stare at a small silver bowl which was as bare as his +hand. + +Daphne took a deep breath. + +"And that was full," she said witheringly. "And you sat there and let +us feel all over the table, and pretended you were looking, and put +Jill's hand in the ginger, and all the time----" + +"I never ate one," said Berry. "I never...." He stopped short and +looked round the room. "Nobby!" + +The Sealyham emerged from beneath the table, wide-eyed, expectant. + +Sternly my brother-in-law held out the bowl. + +Never was guilt more plainly betrayed. + +The pricked ears fell flat: the bright brown eyes sank to the floor: +the pert white tail was lowered incontinently. Nobby had hauled down +his flag. + +"Oh, Nobby!" + +The terrier squirmed, laid his head upon the ground, and then rolled +over upon his back.... + +"You can't blame the dog," said I. "Besides, he'll pay for it. +Quarter of a pound of chocolates'll fairly----" + +"I've just remembered," said Daphne, "that they weren't chocolates at +all. They were _marrons glaces_--the last of the bunch. They won't +make any more this year." + +Berry wiped his forehead, + +"Are you saying this," he demanded, "to torment me? Or is it true?" + +"It's a C.B. fact." + +"But what about tea?" screamed her husband. "Tea without a _marron +glace_ will be like--like Hell without the Prince of Darkness." + +"I can't help it. France has a close season for them." + +Berry hid his face in his hands. + +"Under my chair!" he wailed. "The last of the bunch (sic). And I +never ate one!" + +"Come, come," said I. "Similarly placed, what would Epicurus have +done?" + +"I know," said Adele. + +"What?" said Berry. + +My wife smiled. + +"He'd 've made tracks for Spain," she said. + + * * * * * + +The French sergeant saluted, Daphne nodded, Berry said, "Down with +everything," I touched my hat, and we rolled slowly over the little +bridge out of one country into another. + +Our reception was very serious. + +So far as our papers were concerned, the Spanish N.C.O. knew his job +and did it with a soldierly, if somewhat trying, precision. Pong was +diligently compared with the tale of his _triptyque_. Our faces were +respectively compared with the unflattering vignettes pasted upon our +passports. The visas were deliberately inspected. Our certificates +were unfolded and scrutinised. Our travelling pass was digested. To +our great relief, however, he let the luggage go. We had no +contraband, but we were two hours late, and to displace and replace +securely a trunk and a dressing-case upon the back of a coupe takes +several minutes and necessitates considerable exertion of a very +unpleasant kind. Finally, having purchased a local permit for five +pesetas, we were suffered to proceed. + +We were now at the mouth of a gorge and the pass was before us. Had +the gorge been a rift in the range, a road had been cut by the side of +the torrent, and our way, if tortuous, had been as flat as your hand. +But the gorge was a _cul de sac_--a beautiful blind alley, with +mountains' flanks for walls. So the road had been made to scale one +side of the alley--to make its winding way as best it could, turning +and twisting and doubling upon itself, up to a windy saddle which we +could hardly see. + +I gave the car its head, and we went at a wicked hill as a bull at a +gate. + +Almost immediately the scenery became superb. + +With every yard the walls of the gorge were drawing further apart, +slowly revealing themselves in all their glory. Forests and +waterfalls, precipices and greenswards, grey lichened crags and +sun-bathed terraces, up, above all, an exquisite vesture of snow, +flawless and dazzling--these stood for beauty. All the wonder of +height, the towering proportions of the place, the bewildering pitch of +the sky--these stood for grandeur. An infinite serenity, an +imperturbable peace, a silence which the faint gush of springs served +to enrich--these stood for majesty. Nature has throne-rooms about the +world, and this was one of them. + +I started the engine again--for we had instinctively stopped--and Pong +thrust on. + +Up, up, up we toiled, through the hanging village of Valcarlos, past a +long string of jingling mules, under stupendous porches of the living +rock, round hair-pin bends, by woods and coppices, over grey +bridges--wet and shining and all stuck with ferns--now looking forward +to the snow-bound ridge, now facing back to find the frontier village +shrunk to a white huddle of dots, the torrent to a winking thread of +silver, and our late road to a slender straggling ribbon, absurdly +foreign, ridiculously remote. + +On we stormed, higher and higher, past boulders and poor trees wrung +with the wind, and presently up and into and over the snow, while +slowly, foot by foot, depth dragged height down to nothing. + +For the third time it occurred to me that the engine was unwarrantably +hot, and, after a moment's consideration, I took out the clutch and +brought the car to a standstill. + +"What is it?" said Daphne. + +"She's hot," said I. "Hotter than she should be. At least, I think +so. Of course it's a deuce of a pull." And, with that, I opened the +door. + +"You're not going to get out in this snow?" + +"Only a second, dear." + +Upon observing that the fan-belt was broken, it was natural that I +should regret very much that I had not looked for the trouble when +first I suspected its presence. Had I done so, I should have spared +the engine, I should have been able to correct the disorder without +burning myself to hell, and I should not have been standing, while I +worked, in four inches of snow. + +Gloomily I made my report. + +"I'm sorry," I concluded, "but I shall have to have Berry. I've got a +new strap in the boot, but I can't shift the luggage alone." + +Berry closed his eyes and sank his chin upon his breast. + +"Go on, old chap," said Daphne. "I'm very sorry for you, but----" + +"I--I don't feel well," said Berry. "Besides, I haven't got my +gum-boots." + +"Will you get out?" said his wife. + +At last, between us, we got him as far as the running board. + +"Come on," I said impatiently. + +"Don't rush me," said Berry, staring at the snow as if it were molten +lead. "Don't rush me. How fresh and beautiful it looks, does not it?" +He took a deep breath and let himself down upon his toes. "A-A-ah! If +you can do sixty kilometres with a pound of snow in each shoe, how many +miles is that to the gallon?" + +The belt was at the very back of beyond, but I found it at last. As we +replaced the luggage-- + +"And while," I said, "I'm fixing the strap, you might fill up the +radiator." + +"What with?" said Berry. + +"Snow, of course. Just pick it up and shove it in." + +"'Just pick it up and sho----' Oh, give me strength," said Berry +brokenly. Then he raised his voice. "Daphne!" + +"What's the matter?" + +"I've got to pick up some snow now." + +"Well, rub your hands with it, dear--well. Then they won't get +frost-bitten." + +"You--er--you don't mind my picking it up, then? I mean, my left foot +is already gangrenous." + +"Well, rub that, too," called Daphne. + +"Thanks," said Berry grimly. "I think I'd rather wait for the dogs. I +expect there are some at Roncevaux. In the pictures they used to have +a barrel of whisky round their necks. The great thing was to be found +by about five dogs. Then you got five barrels. By the time the monks +arrived, you were quite sorry to see them." + +"Will you go and fill up the radiator?" said I, unlocking the +tool-box.... + +The fitting of the new belt was a blasphemous business. My fingers +were cold and clumsy, and everything I touched was red-hot. However, +at last it was done. + +As I was looking over the engine-- + +"We'd better pull up a bit," said Berry. "I've used all the snow round +here. Just a few feet, you know. That drift over there'll last me a +long time." + +"What d'you mean?" said I. "Isn't it full yet?" + +"Well, I thought it was just now, but it seems to go down. I've put in +about a hundredweight to date." + +An investigation of the phenomenon revealed the unpleasant truth that +the radiator was leaking. + +I explained this to Berry. + +"I see," he said gravely. "I understand. In other words, for the last +twenty minutes I have been at some pains to be introducing water into +an inconveniently shaped sieve?" + +"That," said I, "is the idea." + +"And, for all the good I've been doing, I might have been trying to eat +a lamb cutlet through a couple of straws?" + +"Oh, no. You've cooled her down. In fact..." + +It took five minutes and all the cajolery at my command to induce my +brother-in-law to continue his Danaidean task, until I had started the +engine and we were ready to move. + +Then he whipped its cap on to the radiator and clambered into the car. + +I was extremely uneasy, and said as much. + +It was now a quarter to five. Pampeluna was some thirty miles away, +and Heaven only knew what sort of country lay before us. We were +nearly at the top of the pass, and, presumably, once we were over we +should strike a lot of "down hill." But if the leak became worse, and +there was much more collarwork.... + +Desperately I put Pong along. + +The snow was deeper now and was affecting the steering. The wheels, +too, were slipping constantly. I had to go very gingerly. Two deep +furrows ahead told of Ping's passage. I began to wonder how Adele, +Jill, and Jonah were getting on.... + +It was when the snow was perhaps a foot deep that we snarled past a +ruined cabin and, stumbling over the very top of the world, began to +descend. + +Ten minutes later we came to Roncevaux. Where Abbey began or village +ended, it was impossible to say, and there was no one to be seen. The +place looked like a toy some baby giant had carried into the mountains, +played with awhile, and then forgotten. + +Here was the last of the snow, so I crammed some more into the +radiator, tried very hard to think I could see the water, and hoped for +the best. While I was doing this, Berry had closed the car--a wise +measure, for, though we should lose a lot of scenery, the sun was +sinking and Evening was laying her fingers upon the fine fresh air. + +Navarre seemed very handsome. It was, indeed, all mountains--bleaker, +less intimate than France, but very, very grand. And the road was +splendidly laid: its long clean sweeps, its graceful curves, the way in +which its line befitted the bold landscape, yet was presenting a style +of its own, argued a certain poetry in the hearts of its engineers. + +We swept through a village that might have been plucked out of +Macedonia, so rude and stricken it looked. There was no glass in the +windows: filth littered the naked street: pigs and poultry rushed for +the crazy doorways at our approach. + +Pampeluna being the nearest town, I realised with a shock what sort of +a night we should spend if we failed to get there. + +I began to hope very hard that there were no more hills. Presently the +road forked and we switched to the right. Maps and Guide declared that +this was the better way. + +"What's _carretera accidentada_ mean?" said my sister, looking up from +the Michelin Guide. + +"I think _carretera_ means 'road,'" said I. "As for +_accidentada_--well, it's got an ugly sound." + +"Well, do look out," said Daphne. "We shall be there any minute. This +must be Espinal, and that's where it begins." + +Berry cleared his throat. + +"The art of life," he announced, "is to be prepared. Should the car +overturn and it become necessary to ply me with cordial, just part my +lips and continue to pour until I say 'When.' Should---- What are you +stopping for?" + +"Very slightly to our rear," said I, "upon the right-hand side of the +road stands a water-trough. You may have noticed it." + +"I did," said Berry. "A particularly beautiful specimen of the +palaeolithic epoch. Shall we go on now?" + +"Supposing," said I relentlessly, "you plied the radiator. Just take +the cap off and continue to pour till I say 'When.'" + +"I should be charmed," was the reply. "Unfortunately I have no vessel +wherewith to----" + +"Here you are," said Daphne, thrusting a hotwater bottle into his hand. +"What a mercy I forgot to pack it!" + +As I lighted a cigarette-- + +"It is indeed," said I, "a godsend." + +With an awful look, Berry received the godsend and emerged from the car. + +After perhaps two minutes he reappeared. + +"No good," he said shortly. "The water's too hard or something. The +brute won't look at it." + +"Nonsense," said Daphne. + +"All right," said her husband. "You go and tempt it. I'm through, I +am." + +"Squeeze the air out of it and hold it under the spout." + +"But I tell you----" + +I took out my watch. + +"In another half-hour," I said, "it'll be dark, and we've still forty +kilometres----" + +Heavily Berry disappeared. + +When I next saw him he was filling the radiator from his hat.... + +After six journeys he screwed on the cap and made a rush for the car. + +"But where's my bottle?" screamed Daphne. + +"I rejoice to say," replied Berry, slamming the door, "that full fathom +five the beggar lies." + +"You've never dropped----" + +"If it's any consolation," said Berry, as I let in the clutch, "he +perished in fair fight. The swine put about a bucket up each of my +sleeves first, and then spat all over my head. Yes, it is funny, isn't +it? Never mind. Game to the last, he went down regurgitating like a +couple of bath-rooms. And now I really am flea-bitten. I can't feel +anything except my trunk." + +It was as well that we had taken in water, for very soon, to my dismay, +we began to climb steadily... + +Once again we watered--Heaven knows how high up--at a hovel, half barn, +half cottage, where a sturdy mother came lugging a great caldron before +we had named our need. In all conscience, this was obvious enough. +The smell of fiery metal was frightening me to death. + +Mercifully, that terrible ascent was the last. + +As the day was dying, we dropped down a long, long hill, round two or +three death-trap bends, and so, by gentle stages, on to a windy +plain.... + +It was half-past six when we ran into Pampeluna. + +After paying an entrance fee, we proceeded to the Grand Hotel. It was +intensely cold, and a wind cut like a knife. The streets were crowded, +and we moved slowly, with the result that the eight urchins who decided +to mount the running-boards did so without difficulty. The four upon +my side watched Berry evict their fellows with all the gratification of +the immune. + +"Little brutes," said Daphne. "Round to the left, Boy. That's right. +Straight on. Look at that one. He's holding on by the lamp. Boy, +can't you---- Now to the right.... Here we are." + +"Where?" said I, slowing up. + +"Here. On the right. That must be it, with the big doors." + +As I climbed out of the car, seven more boys alighted from the dickey, +the wings, the luggage, and the spare wheels. + +A second later I found myself in a bank. + +The edifice appeared to be deserted, but after a moment or two an +individual came shuffling out of the shadows. My inability to speak a +word of Spanish and his inability to speak a word of anything else +disfavoured an intelligent conversation, but at last I elicited first +that the Grand Hotel was next door, and secondly that it would not be +open until July. + +I imparted this pleasing information to the others. + +"Closed?" said Berry. "Well, that is nice. Yes. He's quite right. +Here it is in the Guide. 'Open from July to October.' I suppose a +superman might have put it more plainly, but it's a pretty broad hint. +And now what shall we do? Three months is rather long to wait, +especially as we haven't had any tea. Shall we force an entry? Or go +on to Madrid?" + +"Fool," said Daphne. "Get in, Boy. I'm getting hungry." + +I got in and started the engine. + +Then I got out again with a stick. + +This the seven boys, who had remounted, were not expecting. + +I got in again, feeling better.... + +The second hotel we visited was admirably concealed. + +As we were passing it for the second time, Jonah came stepping across +the pavement. + +"Lucky for you we got in early," he said. "We've got the last two +rooms. They're on the fourth floor, they're miles apart, they're each +about the size of a minute, and I don't think the beds are aired. The +lift's out of order, there's no steam heat, and there are no +fire-places. Both the bath-rooms have been let as bedrooms, and the +garage is conveniently situated about a mile and a half away. The +porter's cut his hand, so you'll have to carry up your luggage and help +me with ours. Nobody speaks anything but Spanish, but that doesn't +matter as much as it might, because the waiters have struck. And now +look sharp, or we shan't get any dinner." + + * * * * * + +_Bearer will bring you to where we are. Don't talk. Don't do +anything. Just get into the car._ + +_JONAH._ + + +I stared at the words stupidly. + +Then I looked at the chauffeur standing, hat in hand, and stepped into +the depths of a luxurious limousine. + +A moment later we were whipping over the cobbles. + +It was nearly half-past seven, and I had just walked back from the +garage where I had deposited Pong. Whether my instructions that the +radiator was to be mended and the car to be washed had been understood +and would be executed, I was almost too tired to care. I was also +abominably cold. The prospect of an evening and night attended with +every circumstance of discomfort was most depressing. For the fiftieth +time I was wishing that we had never come. + +And then at the door of the hotel I had been handed the message.... + +There was a foot-warmer in the limousine and a voluminous fur-rug. I +settled myself contentedly. What it all meant, I had not the faintest +idea. Enough that I was comfortable and was beginning to grow warm. +My faith, moreover, in Jonah was profound. + +The car drew up with a rush before a mansion. + +As I stepped out, the chauffeur removed his hat, and the front door was +opened. + +I passed up the steps into the grateful shelter of a tremendous hall. + +At once my coat and hat were taken from me and I was reverently invited +to ascend the huge staircase. I did so in silence. At the top of the +flight a waiting-woman received me and led the way. + +Everywhere luxury was in evidence. There were plenty of lights, but +they were all heavily shaded. So thick were the carpets that I could +hardly hear my own footfalls. The atmosphere was pleasantly warm and +full of the sweet scent of burning wood. What furniture I saw was very +handsome. Three exquisite stalls, filched from some old cathedral, +stood for a settle. A magnificent bronze loomed in a recess. At the +head of the stairs was glowing a great Canaletto. + +I followed my guide wonderingly.... + +A moment later she stopped to knock upon a door. + +"Who is it?" cried Adele. + +I raised my voice, and she called to me to enter. + +I opened the door into the finest bedroom that I have ever seen. + +Upon the walls were panels of yellow silk, and all the silks and stuffs +were grey or golden. A soft grey carpet, a deep sofa, a giant +four-poster, a mighty press, a pier-glass, chairs, mirrors, +table-lamps--all were in beautiful taste. An open door in one corner, +admitting the flash of tiles, promised a bath-room. On the bed my +dress-clothes, which I had packed for San Sebastian, lay orderly. And +there, upon a chair, in front of a blazing fire, sat Adele, lightly +clothed, looking extraordinarily girlish, and cheerfully inveigling a +stocking on to a small white foot. + +I looked round dazedly. + +"Isn't it priceless?" said Adele. "Isn't it all priceless?" She +danced across the room and flung her arms round my neck. "And I +thought you were never coming. I wanted to wait for you, lad, but they +wouldn't let me. But I've run a bath for you and put out all your +clothes. By the way, I can't find your links anywhere. Are you +sure----" + +"No," I said, "I'm not. I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure I'm +awake. I'm not sure I'm alive. I'm not sure I'm not mad. 'Sure'? I +don't know the meaning of the word. What are you doing here? What am +I doing here? Where are we? What's it all mean?" + +"My darling," said Adele, "I've not the faintest idea." + +"But----" + +"Listen. You hadn't been gone five minutes before a man came into the +hotel and up to Jonah. He seemed very nervous and excited, but he was +very polite. He couldn't speak a word of anything but Spanish, but at +last we gathered that he was asking us if we were the people who had +wired to the Grand Hotel. When we said that we were, he talked faster +than ever, and at last we began to understand that he'd got some rooms +for us elsewhere. You can imagine our joy. Once we understood, he +didn't have to ask us whether we'd come. The next minute two +chauffeurs were slinging the baggage on to a couple of cars, and, after +we'd managed to explain that you were coming back, Berry paid some sort +of a bill and we all pushed off. When we saw this wonderful house, we +nearly fainted. As far as I can see, we've got it all to ourselves. +Berry and Daphne are in another room like this, about two doors away, +and Jill's between us. I don't know where Jonah is. I can only +imagine that the man who came is the manager of the Grand Hotel, and +that this is where they put people when their own place is closed." + +Unsatisfactory as it was, this seemed, roughly, the only possible +explanation. Indeed, but for the magnificence of our lodging, it would +have been reasonable enough. Still, we knew nothing of Spain. Perhaps +this was their idea of hospitality. I began to like Pampeluna very +much.... + +By the time I had had a hot bath I had begun to wonder whether it was +worth while going on to San Sebastian. + + * * * * * + +We had dined in state. We had eaten an eight-course dinner, superbly +cooked and admirably served. At the conclusion of our meal, folding +doors had been opened, and we had passed into the shadowed comfort of a +gorgeous library, where only the ceaseless flicker of a great log fire +had lighted us to deep-cushioned chairs and a rich sofa, where coffee +and liqueurs were set upon a low table and the broad flash of silver +showed a massive cigar-box reposing conveniently upon an ebony stool. + +With one consent, sitting at the feet of Epicurus, we had thrust +uncertainty aside, and, thanking Heaven that we had fallen so magically +upon our own, confined our conversation to the events of our journey, +and compared enthusiastic notes regarding the wonders, entertainments, +and perils of our drive. + +From behind a big cigar Berry was slowly enumerating the accessories +without which, to make life worth living, no car should ever take the +road, when the door opened and a servant, bearing a salver, entered the +room. + +Stopping for an instant to switch on the light, the man stepped to my +brother-in-law. + +For a moment Berry glanced at the card. Then-- + +"English," he said. "'Mr. Hubert Weston Hallilay, 44 Calle de Serrano, +Madrid.' Better have him in, hadn't we?" He turned to the servant and +nodded. "Ask him to come in," he said. + +The servant bowed and withdrew. + +A moment later a fair-haired boy, perhaps twenty-three years old, was +ushered into the room. + +He greeted us respectfully, but with an open-hearted delight which he +made no attempt to conceal. + +"How d'you do? I'm most awfully glad to see you. Officially, I'm here +by request. The comic mayor got hold of me. He's worried to death +because he can't converse with you. I don't suppose you mind, but it's +shortening his life. I've had a fearful time with him. There are +about a thousand things he wants to know, and he's commissioned me to +find them out without asking any questions. That, he says, would be +most rude. Unofficially, I'm--well, I'm at your service. If I'd known +you were coming, I'd have been here before. I'm attached to Madrid, +really, but I'm putting in six weeks here--for my sins." + +"You're very kind," said Berry. "Incidentally, you're a godsend--the +second we've had to-day. The first, I may say, lies in five feet of +water on a particularly blasted mountain-side. But don't be +disconcerted. We shouldn't think of drowning you. For one thing, +you're much too valuable. And now sit down, and have some cold coffee +and a glass of kummel." + +As he sank into a seat-- + +"Mr. Hallilay," said Daphne, twittering, "I can't bear it. _Why are we +here?_" + +The boy looked at her curiously. Then-- + +"Well," he said, "there was no other place. Even if the Grand had been +open, I gather it's hardly fit.... Of course there's been the most +awful mix-up. Trust Spain for that. The Post Office knew they +couldn't deliver the wire. Instead of telling somebody, or +communicating with Pau, they let it lie in the office till this +afternoon. Then they took it to the mayor. Of course he nearly died. +But, being a man of action, he got a move on. He flew round here and +laid the facts before the steward--the owner happens to be away--and +arranged to put this house at your disposal. Then he rushed round, +borrowed a couple of cars, and spent what time he had left splitting +his brain over your wire and hovering between the station and the +various approaches to Pampeluna. As an inevitable result, he missed +you, and when he finally had the brain-wave of inquiring at the Grand +and found you'd already arrived, he nearly shot himself." + +"But why--I mean," I stammered, "it's devilish good of the mayor and +you and everyone, but why--in the first place, why did the Post Office +take the wire to the mayor?" + +Hallilay raised his eyebrows. + +"Well," he said slowly, "when they saw the telegram, they realised----" + +"Who sent the wire?" said Berry. + +"I did," said Jonah. "I said, + + +_Retenez lundi soir, deux grandes deux petites chambres avec salle de +bain en suite, arrive en auto._ + +_MANSEL."_ + + +For a moment I thought the boy was going to faint. Then he covered his +face and began to shake with laughter.... + +Presently he plucked a form from his pocket, unfolded it, and handed it +to me. + +"That may have been what you sent," he said jerkily, "but here's how +the wire arrived." + + +_Retenez lundi soir, deux grandes deux petites chambres avec salle de +bain, suite arrive en auto._ + +_MANOEL._ + + +After I had read it aloud there was a long, long silence. + +At length-- + +"I see," said Berry. "I knew our journey would be eventful, because my +wife put her teeth in upside down this morning, but I little dreamed it +was to be a royal progress. However, I take it one of the things the +mayor would like to know is--er--what has become of--of----" + +Hallilay nodded tearfully. + +"That, sir," he said, "is the first and foremost question upon an +unanswerable list." + + * * * * * + +We left Pampeluna upon the following afternoon, in response to a wire +from San Sebastian peremptorily desiring us immediately to repair to +that resort. + +Hallilay, as good as his word, was of inestimable service. He had, +indeed, dealt with the delicate situation with admirable judgment. +Finally he covered our retreat in a masterly manner. + +From the first he had insisted that the _role_ we had unconsciously +assumed must be deliberately maintained. Our scruples he had brushed +to one side. + +"Whatever happens, Pampeluna must never know the truth. It'd be most +unpleasant for you--obviously. For the mayor--well, Spaniards are very +proud, and I think it'd kill him. Very well, then. Your course, +plainly, is the line of least resistance. O friends, Romans, +countrymen, it's--it's too easy." He broke off and glanced meaningly +about him. "I'm not much of a diplomat, but--well, the best is good +enough for me." + +Talk about Epicurus.... + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +HOW ADELE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME WHICH HAD NO SMELL, AND I CUT +EULALIE DEAD + +"I must have a paper," said Berry. "I haven't read the news for +fifty-five hours, and--and anything may have happened. Supposing the +rouble and the shilling have changed over. The tie I'm wearing 'ld be +worth about six hundred pounds." + +I set down my cup and picked up the receiver. + +"So you're really off to-morrow, are you?" said an attractive voice. +_Well, don't miss Fuenterrabia. It's only five miles out of your way, +and it's worth seeing. They sell most lovely scent in the Calle del +Puerto. Ask for their 'Red Violets.'_ + +With a chunk I was disconnected, and a second later a bureau clerk had +promised to procure an English paper and send it up to my room. + +Less than an hour ago we had arrived at San Sebastian--according to +plan. A very handsome run had ended becomingly enough in the drive of +a palatial hotel, and, though it was growing dusk as we had slipped +into the town, we had seen quite enough of our surroundings to +appreciate that, where Nature had succeeded so admirably, man had by no +means failed. + +And now we were taking tea in my sister's bedroom and discussing what +Berry called "the order of going in." + +"We'd better decide right away," said my brother-in-law, "to stay here +a week. It's perfectly obvious that two nights are going to be no +earthly." + +"All you're thinking of," said Daphne, "is the Casino. I knew it would +be like this." + +"All right," replied her husband; "look at the guide-book. We haven't +seen this place yet, and there are twelve excursions--all highly +recommended. We can cut out Tolosa, because I see we did that this +afternoon. That was where the child lobbed the jam-tin into the car. +I fancy I passed the cathedral when I was chasing him. Any way, I +shall say so." + +"I am told," said I, "that Fuenterrabia's worth seeing." + +"It's the show place about here," said Jonah. "Old as the hills. +That'll take a morning alone." + +I yawned. + +"There's a shop there," I said, "in the Calle del Puerto, where they +sell some wonderful scent. I believe it's all good, but their 'Red +Violets' is simply ravishing." + +The girls pricked up their ears. + +"Who told you all this?" said Adele. + +"I can't imagine," said I truthfully. "But she had a nice voice. You +know--one of those soft mellifluous ones, suggesting that she's bored +to distraction with everything except you." I took out a cigarette and +looked about me. "Anyone got a match?" I added. + +"Blow the matches," said my sister. "When did all this happen?" + +"This afternoon," said I. "I'd always heard that San Sebastian----" + +"Is she staying here?" said Adele. + +"In the hotel? She didn't say." + +"But how did you come to speak to her?" demanded my wife. + +"I didn't," I said. "She spoke to me. I tell you I've always heard +that San----" + +"And you communed with her?" said Berry. "With your lawful wife +working herself to death on the first floor unpacking your sponge-bag, +you exchanged secrets of the toilet with a honey-toned vamp? Oh, you +vicious libertine.... Will she be at the Casino to-night?" + +"I didn't ask her." + +Berry raised his eyes to heaven. + +"You don't know her name; you never asked where she's staying, and +you've fixed nothing up." He sighed heavily. "Some people don't +deserve to get on." + +"I hadn't time," I pleaded. "We got on to scent almost at once." + +"Why scent?" said Jonah. "Or is that an indiscreet question?" + +"Oh, that's easy," said Berry. "The scent was on the handkerchief he +picked up. It's been done before." + +"I don't understand," said Jill. + +"I'm glad you don't, darling. One expert in the family is bad enough." +He nodded at me. "I used to think I was useful, till I'd seen that +Mormon at work. Talk about getting off.... Why, he'd click at a +jumble sale." + +"Would he really?" said Adele interestedly. "I'd no idea he was so +enterprising." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"My dear," he said, "he's a blinkin' marvel. Where you and I 'ld be +standing outside a stage-door with a nervous grin and a bag of jujubes, +he'd walk straight up TO a Marchioness, say, 'I feel I must tell you +that you've got a mouth in a million,' and--_get away with it_. But +there you are. In the present case----" + +"--for once in a way," said Adele, "the lady seems to have made the +running." She turned to me with a smile. "Well, Juan me lad, tell us +some more about her. Was she fair or dark?" + +I nodded at Berry. + +"Better ask him," I said. "He knows more about it than I do." + +"She was dark," said Berry unhesitatingly. "A tall willowy wench, with +Continental eyes and an everlasting pout. Am I right, sir?" + +"You may be," said I. "Not having seen the damsel...." + +There was an outburst of incredulous objection. + +"Sorry," I added, "but the liaison was conducted upon the telephone. +Just now. When I ordered the paper. The lady had no idea she was +giving me counsel. So, you see, we're both blameless. And now may I +have a match?" + +"Well, I am disappointed," announced Adele. "I quite thought we were +off." + +"So did I," said Daphne. "And you never even---- Oh, it's spoiled my +tea." + +Even Jill protested that I had "led them on." + +In some dudgeon, I began to wonder if I should ever understand women. + + * * * * * + +An hour and a half had slipped by. + +Ready for dinner with twenty minutes to spare, I had descended to the +lounge. There a large writing-table had suggested the propriety of +sending a postcard to the sweetest of aunts, who, in the absence of +evidence to the contrary, invariably presumed our death after fourteen +days. + +There being no postcards available, I started a letter.... + +For a page and a half my pen ran easily enough, and then, for no reason +whatever, my epistolary sense faltered, laboured, and ceased to +function. + +I re-read what I had written, touched up the punctuation, and fingered +my chin. I reviewed the past, I contemplated the future, I regarded my +finger-nails--all to no effect. There was simply nothing to say. +Finally I rose and went in search of a waiter. There was, I felt, a +chance that a Martini might stimulate my brain.... + +I returned to my seat to find that, while I had been gone, a heifer +from another herd had come to drink at the pool. + +Immediately upon the opposite side of the writing-table sat one of the +prettiest women that I have ever seen. Her colouring was superb. +Beneath a snow-white skin all the wild beauty of a mountain-rose glowed +in her cheeks; each time she moved, a flashing mystery of red and +golden lights blazed from the auburn crown piled on her head; stars +danced an invitation in the great grey eyes. Her small straight nose, +the exquisite line of her face, her fairy mouth alone would have +redeemed the meanest countenance. A plain black velvet dress, cut +rather high at the throat, but leaving her lovely arms bare from the +shoulder, and a complete absence of jewellery, showed that my lady knew +how pictures should be framed.... + +With an effort I bent to my letter. From being difficult, however, the +composition of another two pages of coherent prose had become +formidable. Turning to the past, I could remember nothing. Looking +into the future, I found myself blind. As for the present, I felt +instinctively that a description of the curve of my _vis-a-vis'_ mouth +would be out of place and might be misunderstood. + +I observed suddenly that my lady had stopped writing. + +After a moment she read over what she had written and put in two +commas. Then she put a dash at the end of her last sentence. Such an +addition had not occurred to me. For what it was worth, I adopted it +surreptitiously. When I looked up, the tips of four pointed fingers +were being regarded with some severity. Finally the girl laid down her +pen, and, propping her chin on two ridiculous fists, stared dismally +upon the neutral zone between our respective blotting pads. + +"Have you dealt with the weather?" said I. + +The stars, which had stopped dancing, leaped again into life. + +"Fully," she said. + +"And the place?" + +She nodded. + +"And the people staying in the hotel?" + +"I've just said they're all very dull." + +I wrote rapidly. Then-- + +"'The people here,'" I read, "'are nearly all very dull.'" + +For a moment she looked at me. Then she picked up her pen. + +"How," she demanded, with a dazzling smile, "do you spell 'nearly'?" + +"Only one 'r'," I replied. "Same as 'adorable.'" + +'Nearly' went down--rather shakily. + +I pulled up my cuffs. + +"'Spanish furniture,'" I said, following my pen, "'is like the +Spanish--on the large side. Everything is too big.'" + +"'--too big,'" said my lady, with her head on one side. "You see, my +confidence in you is supreme." + +"One moment," said I. "There's only one 'w' in 'sweet,' isn't there?" + +"Yes," she said, bubbling. "Same as 'awful.'" + +I cleared my throat. + +"'The table, for instance,'" I continued, "'at which we--I am writing, +is simply huge. If it were only half as wide, it would be much +more--er--convenient.'" + +The two white shoulders began to shake with laughter. + +I thought very swiftly. Then-- + +"New paragraph," I said. + +"Half a page more," breathed my companion. + +I frowned. + +"'They have,'" I announced, "'quite a good Casino here.'" + +Our two pens recorded the statement. + +"'The great thing to do is to go there after dinner.'" + +The custom was reported in duplicate. + +"'But I'm not going to-night,'" said the girl, "'because----'" + +"But----" + +"'--I've got to do my packing.'" + +I groaned. Then-- + +"'But I shan't go to-night,'" I declared, "'because I'm going to help a +friend pack.'" I looked up cheerfully. "Yes?" + +"'I shall look forward," she said, smiling, "'to seeing you again--some +time.'" + +"'Soon.'" + +The pretty head went to one side. + +"'With my love,'" she said quietly. + +"'Your devoted servant,'" said I. + +For a second my lady hesitated. Then she signed a name, crammed her +letter into an envelope, and rose to her feet. + +The stars in the wonderful eyes had become misty, and there was a +strange wistful curve to the exquisite lips. + +For an instant we looked at one another. Then-- + +"Just 'Eulalie,'" she said. + +The next moment she was gone. + +I turned to see Daphne, Adele, and Berry a dozen paces away.... + +I advanced with what composure I could summon. + +"I have been endeavouring," I said, "to atone for this afternoon." + +There was a frosty silence. Then-- + +"So I see," said my sister icily. + +Berry passed a hand across his eyes. + +"Ugh!" he said shuddering. "I've gone all goosegogs--I mean, +gooseflesh. Will she be at the Casino to-night?" + +My wife set a hand upon my arm. + +"I must admit," she said, smiling, "that she had a mouth in a million." + + * * * * * + +By half-past ten the next morning we were again upon the road. + +The almanack swore it was March, but here was a summer's day. Not a +cloud was floating in the great blue sky: down to the tenderest breeze, +the winds were sleeping: the sun was in all his glory. For earth +herself, the stains of winter were being done away. Out of the +country's coat the greys and browns, lately so prominent, were fading +notably. As thick as fast, the green was coming in. As we rounded a +bend and sailed down a long sweet hill towards the frontier, the road +was all dappled with the shadows of youngster leaves. + +Our way seemed popular. Car after car swept by, waggons and lorries +went rumbling about their business, now and again two of the Guardia +Civil--well-horsed, conspicuously armed and point-device in their +accoutrements--sat stiff, silent, and vigilant in the mouth of an odd +by-road. + +Come to the skirts of Irun, we switched to the left, and five minutes +later we were at Fuenterrabia. + +A city with a main street some four yards wide, keeping a king's +palace, if hatchments be evidence, remembering more dukes than +shopkeepers, its house-walls upholding a haphazard host of balconies +and overhung with monstrous eaves--a pocket stronghold, set on the lip +of Spain, staring at sea and land, each sunlit rood of which is fat +with History--a lovely star upon the breast of Fame, chosen by English +poets to enrich their songs, Fuenterrabia is among the crown jewels of +Europe. + +We thrust up the Calle Mayor and into the Plaza de Armas. There we put +the cars in the shade and alighted eagerly to view the town at close +quarters. + +"Look at that little boy," cried Jill, "eating an apple. Where's the +camera? Get him to stand in the sun, Boy, against that old wall." + +"That's right," said Berry. "And there's a dog scratching himself. +Ask him to devil his tenants beside the Post Office. If we get a good +picture, we can call it _Local Affection, or The Old, Old Story_ and +send it to _The Field_." + +To humour my cousin's whim, I approached a dirty-looking child.... + +Despite my assurances of good-will, however, the urchin retired as I +advanced, all the time consuming his apple with a nervous energy, which +suggested at once a conviction that I had my eye upon his fruit and a +determination to confound my strategy. The apple was dwindling fast, +and, redoubling my protests, I quickened my pace. For a second the boy +hesitated. Then he took two last devastating bites, flung the core in +my face, and took to his heels. + +Pursuit being out of the question, I returned furiously to the others, +to find them, as was to be expected, quite weak with laughter. + +"It w-was good of you, Boy," declared Jill, tearfully. "And I got such +a precious picture--just as he threw it." + +"I suppose you know," I said stiffly, "that he hit me upon the nose." + +"There must," said Berry, "have been some misunderstanding. The +Spaniard's courtesy is proverbial. You're sure you weren't rude to +him, brother?" + +"Certain," said I grimly. + +"Dear, dear," said my brother-in-law, opening a guide-book. "It's most +mysterious. Just listen to this. _The stranger is at first apt to be +carried away by the obliging tone of society, by the charming +spontaneity of manner, and by the somewhat exaggerated politeness of +the people he meets_. There now. Were you carried away at all? I +mean, if you were----" + +"I was not," said I. + +Berry returned to the book. + +"_He should return these civilities in kind, but he should avoid +turning the conversation on serious matters, and should, above all, +refrain from expressing an opinion on religious or political +questions_. I do hope you didn't...." + +I shook my head. + +"Then," said Berry, "should we meet the child again, I shall cut him +dead. And that's that. And now let's go and find a dairy. You'll be +wanting a pick-me-up." + +For an hour and a half we went about the city. We marked her bulwarks, +we told her towers, we observed her mansions, we strolled upon her +terraces, we enjoyed her prospects. + +Last of all, we visited the Calle del Puerto. Before we had taken a +dozen paces along the aged alley, a faint odour of perfume began to +assert itself, and a few seconds later we were standing before a tiny +shop, scrupulously sweet and clean to look upon, absurdly suggestive of +the patronage of marionettes. A curtain of apple-green canvas was +swaying in the low doorway, while an awning of the same stuff guarded a +peepshow window, which was barely three feet long and less than one +foot high. Herein, ranged behind a slab of fine plate-glass, stood +three plain, stoppered phials, one rose-coloured, one green, and one a +faint yellow. Below, on a grey silk pillow, was set a small +vellum-bound book. This was open. In capitals of gold upon the pages +displayed were two words only--PARFUMS FRANCAIS. + +The effect was charming. + +We gathered about the window, ejaculating surprise. + +"_Urbs in rure_," said Jonah. "And then you're wrong. The Rue de la +Paix isn't in it." + +Which is a description I cannot better. + +Daphne lifted the _portiere_, and we followed her in. + +Passing suddenly out of the brilliant sunshine, we could at first see +nothing. Then gradually the interior of the shop took shape. + +There was no counter, but an oblong mahogany glass-topped table, +standing in the centre of the polished floor, evidently was discharging +that office. Upon this stood three other phials, similar to those +displayed in the window, but fitted with sprays instead of stoppers. +In front of each a grey gold-lettered slip of silk, laid between the +glass and the mahogany, declared its contents--ROSE BLEUE ... LYS NOIR +... JASMIN GRIS. + +The room was very low, and the walls were panelled. Upon these, except +for that framing the door and window, were rows of shelves. On these, +at decent intervals, stood phials of four different sizes. To judge +from the colour of their glass, each wall was devoted to one of the +three scents. That facing us was green, that on our left +rose-coloured, that upon our right a faint yellow. A black curtain in +a corner suggested a doorway leading to another part of the house. The +air, naturally enough, was full of perfume. + +We stared about us in silence. + +After waiting perhaps five minutes, peering unsuccessfully behind the +curtain, raising our voices in talk, and finally rapping upon the table +without attracting attendance, we decided to return to where we had +left the cars and visit the shop again on our way out of the town. + +As we came to the Plaza, the clock of the great church announced the +hour. A quarter to one. + +"Good Heavens!" cried Daphne, checking the time by her wrist-watch. +"I'd no idea it was so late. And I left word for Evelyn to ring me up +at the hotel at one o'clock." We made a rush for the cars. "Can it be +done, Jonah?" + +"Only by air," said my cousin. "Outside a track, thirteen miles in +fourteen minutes is just a shade too thick; Still, there's nothing the +matter with the road after Irun, and Evelyn may be delayed getting +through." + +He swung himself into Ping and started her up. My sister and Jill +scrambled aboard while he was turning her round. As he headed for the +Calle Mayor-- + +"Stop!" shrieked his sister. "The scent, Jonah, the scent. We've got +to go back." + +Jonah threw out the clutch. + +"We'll get that!" cried Adele. "You go on, and we'll follow." + +"Right." + +The next moment Ping had dropped out of sight. + +It was perhaps five minutes later that, after conjuring Berry to stay +where he was and move the car for nobody, I assisted my wife on to the +pavement. + +When Fuenterrabia was planned, an eleven-feet-six wheel-base was not +considered. To wheedle Pong to the mouth of the Calle del Puerto had +been a ticklish business, and I had berthed her deliberately with an +eye to our departure for the city gate, rather than to the convenience +of such other vehicles as might appear. Besides, for my brother-in-law +to have essayed manoeuvres in such surroundings would have been asking +for trouble. + +As Adele and I hastened along the street-- + +"We must look sharp," I insisted. "She's half across the fairway. If +anybody with anything broader than a mule feels they can't wait, +there'll be murder done." + +We came to the shop, panting.... + +The place was just as we had left it, and--there was no one there. + +I looked round impatiently. + +"What on earth," I began, "is the good of a----" + +As I spoke, the curtain in the corner was pushed to one side, and a +French girl entered the room. + +Her manner was most curious. + +For a moment she hesitated, as though she would turn and fly. Then, +with her eyes upon Adele, she moved slowly forward. She seemed to be +making an effort to come and serve us. That she was most apprehensive +was perfectly plain.... + +Half-way between curtain and table she stopped. Then she put a hand to +her throat. + +"_Madame_ desires something?" + +"Some scent, please," said Adele reassuringly. + +Her cheerful tone appeared to encourage the girl. And when my wife +pointed to the green phial and asked to be sprayed with its contents, I +could have sworn her attitude was that of relief. + +In a flash she had produced a small square of linen. This she handed +to Adele. + +"Smell, _Madame_. See, it is scentless. _Pardon_." She sprayed it +with scent. "_Voila_. That is the 'Black Lily.'" + +Adele passed it to me. The scent was exquisite. + +"It's delicious," said Adele. + +"Yes, _Madame_, it is good. Will _Madame_ sample the others?" + +"If you please." + +Fresh squares of linen were produced, offered for inspection, and +sprayed.... + +Each perfume seemed more ravishing than its predecessor. To test the +worth of this impression, we reverted to the 'Black Lily.' One breath +of this satisfied us that it was the best of the lot. To be quite +sure, we smelt the 'Blue Rose,' and were instantly convinced of its +superiority to its fellows. A return to the 'Grey Jasmine' persuaded +us that there was only one scent in the shop. It was, indeed, +impossible to award the palm. Each perfume had some irresistible +virtue which the others lacked. + +When, at last, Adele implored me to help her to a decision, I spoke to +the point. + +"There's only one thing to do. We can't wait now, so have a big bottle +of each. Then you and Jill and Daphne can fight it out at home." + +Adele asked the price of the scents. + +"They are all the same price, _Madame_. The large bottle, one hundred +_pesetas_--the others, seventy, fifty, and thirty, according to size." + +"Very well. I'll take a large bottle of each." + +"Thank you, _Madame_." + +A prolonged and vicious croak from the end of the street argued that +Berry's patience was wearing thin, but to have asked the girl to make +haste would have been supererogatory. + +In a trice three phials had been taken down from their shelves, and +three stout silk-lined cases, of the pattern of safety-match boxes, had +been produced. The phial went into its tray, the tray into its sheath, +the case complete into a sheet of rough grey paper, and the whole was +girt with cord in next to no time. + +As the last knot was being tied Adele touched me upon the arm. + +"I almost forgot," she said. Then she turned to the girl. "I have +been told to ask for your 'Red Violets.'" + +The scissors the girl was using fell to the floor. As she recovered +them-- + +"Certainly, _Madame_," she whispered, laying a trembling hand upon the +curtain behind. + +She disappeared, to reappear almost immediately with a package +precisely similar to those she had just made up. She placed it with +the others. + +"Oh," said Adele, "but you haven't----" + +A perfect hurricane of croaks, mingled with cries of anger, interrupted +her. + +"Never mind," I cried, gathering up the parcels. "How much is it now? +Four hundred, I suppose." + +As I was counting the notes, a yell of anguish in Berry's unmistakable +accents fell upon my ears. + +I threw the money upon the table and bolted out of the shop with Adele +at my heels.... + +As we came to the corner, I ran full tilt into--Eulalie. For an +instant our eyes met, but she looked away pointedly, slipped to one +side, and passed on.... + +Then-- + +"_Obstaculos_ to you, sir!" roared Berry. "Look at my wing.... Yes, I +see the cabriolet. But what of that? It's perfectly happy.... No, it +_didn't_ want to get by. And if it had---- Oh, go and push yourself +off somewhere." Here he caught sight of me. "See what this greasy +pantaloon's done? I told him he hadn't room, but he wouldn't wait. +And now he's shoving it on to that cabriolet.... Oh, why can't I speak +Spanish? I'd give him earache." + +I thrust our packages into the fold of the hood and ran to examine the +wing. Happily the damage was slight. I announced this relievedly. + +"I daresay it is," raged Berry, as we resumed our seats. "What I +object to is the poisonous hostility of the brute. He blinkin' well +meant to do it." + +"Dear, dear," said Adele, bubbling. "There must have been some +misunderstanding. The Spaniard's courtesy is proverbial." + +"Exactly," said I. "The stranger is at first apt to be carried away by +the exaggerated politeness of the----" + +"You may be," said Berry, "as blasphemous as you like, but, for the +love of the home for little children, let's get out of this town." + +I let in the clutch.... + +We were passing out of the beautiful armoried gateway, when an +approaching peasant signalled to us to stop, and pointed excitedly back +the way we had come. The fellow's manner suggested that we had dropped +something. + +I pulled up the car, opened my door, and jumped out. + +As I did so, a breathless Eulalie appeared upon the other side of the +car. + +"I never thought I should catch you," she said uncertainly. "My car +got mixed up with that waggon, so I chanced it and ran. And, now I'm +here, I hardly know how to tell you...." She addressed herself to +Adele. "But I fancy you've got my scent--'Red Violets.' It's +rather--rather special. They only make it by request. And a friend of +mine had ordered a bottle for me. It was put ready for me to call for, +and, as far as I can make out, they've given it to you by mistake. +I'm--I'm afraid I'm asking an awful lot, but might I have it? I'm +leaving Spain altogether in half an hour, so I shan't have another +chance." + +I never remember feeling so utterly disillusioned. Recalling the +telephone conversation of the day before, I was frankly disgusted. +Such sharp practice as this smacked of a bargain sale. + +The scent was ours. We had bought it fairly. Besides, it had _not_ +been reserved. If either Adele or Eulalie had to go empty away, Law +and Equity alike were pronouncing in favour of my wife. + +Adele was speaking. + +"Oh, certainly. Boy, will you...?" I stepped into the car and thrust +a hand into the fold of the hood. "I shall know which it is. The +paper it's wrapped in is different. There's a line running through it, +and the others were plain." I plucked out a case and gave it to her to +examine. "That's right." Gravely she handed it to Eulalie. "I'm +sorry you had to run so," she added gently. + +The other shrugged her shoulders. + +"I caught you," she said simply, "and that's the great thing." She +glanced over her shoulder. "And here comes my car. I'm really most +awfully grateful...." + +With a swish the cabriolet swept alongside, skidded with locked wheels +upon the pavement, and fetched up anyhow with its bonnet across our +bows. It was a piece of driving for which the chauffeur ought to have +been flogged. + +"...most awfully grateful," repeated Eulalie, swinging the case by its +cord. "You--you might have made it much harder...." + +The next moment she was in the cabriolet... + +Dazedly I watched the latter float out of sight. + +"B-but she hasn't paid," I stammered. "She's never given us the money. +Four pounds that bottle cost...." + +We stared at one another in dismay. + +At length-- + +"Stung," said Berry. "But what a beautiful bit of work! Four pounds' +worth of scent for the asking. No unpleasantness, no sleight of hand, +no nothing. Just a glad eye last night and a two-minute run this +morning. I don't wonder she was grateful." + + * * * * * + +We had spent the afternoon traversing San Sebastian, and had found the +place good--so good, in fact, that it was past six before we returned +to the hotel. + +I followed Adele upstairs rather wearily. + +"I shall never get over this morning," I said. "Never." Arrived at +our door, I fitted the key to the lock. "To think that I stood there +and let you hand---- Oh, blast! We've left the scent in the car." + +"So we have," said Adele. "What an awful nuisance! I knew we should. +It's fatal to put anything in that hood. You don't see it." + +I pushed open the door. + +"As soon as I've changed," I said, switching on the light. "I'll go +and----" + +The sentence was never finished. + +Had I been told that a cyclone had struck our bedroom, I should not +have been surprised. + +Adele and I stood staring at such a state of disorder as I had never +dreamed of. + +The bed had been dragged from the wall, and its clothes distributed +about the room; the wardrobe and cupboards stood open: every drawer in +the room was on the floor: our clothing had been flung, like soiled +linen, into corners: my wife's dressing-case had been forced, and now +lay open, face downward, upon the carpet, while its contents sprawled +upon a mattress: a chair had fallen backwards into the empty +cabin-trunk, and the edge of a sheet had caught on one of its upturned +legs.... + +"Adele! Boy!" The swish of a skirt, and there was my sister behind +us. "Our room's been---- Good Heavens, yours is the same! Whatever's +the meaning of it?" + +Within three minutes two managers and three clerks were on the scene. +To do them justice, they were genuinely perturbed. Fresh rooms--a +magnificent suite--were put at our disposal: under our own eyes our +belongings were gathered into sheets and carried to our new quarters: +maids were summoned and placed at the girls' service: valets were sent +for: the dressing-case was sent to be repaired: we were begged at our +convenience to report whether there were any valuables we could not +find, and over and over again we were assured that the management would +not rest until the thieves were taken: jointly and severally we were +offered profound apologies for so abominable an outrage. + +Berry and Jonah, who had been taking the cars to the garage, arrived in +the midst of the removal. + +Upon the circumstances being laid before my brother-in-law, he seemed +for some time to be deprived of the power of speech, and it was only +upon being shown the contents of a sheet which had just been conveyed +by two valets into his wife's bedroom that he at last gave tongue. + +Drawing a pair of dress trousers from beneath a bath towel, a pair of +brogues, and a box of chocolates, he sobbed aloud. + +"You all," he said brokenly, "do know these trousers: I remember the +first time ever I did put them on; 'twas on a summer's evening, in the +Park...." + +With one accord and some asperity my sister and I requested him to +desist. + +"All right," he said. "But why worry? I know there's nothing valuable +gone, because in that case I should have been told long ago. We've +been shocked and inconvenienced, of course; but, to balance it, we've +got a topping suite, a private sitting-room thrown in, and a whole +fleet of bottle-washers in attendance, all stamping to wash and iron +and brush our clothes as they've never been brushed before. Jonah's +and Jill's rooms all right?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, let them move along, any way. Then we shall all be together. +And now, if we've got any sense, we shall let this sympathetic crowd +straighten up everything--they're simply bursting for the word +'Go!'--and gather round the fire, which I see they've lighted, and talk +about something else." + +This was sound advice. + +A close acquaintance with crime--the feeling that a robber has handled +her personal effects, mauled her apparel, trodden her own sanctuary--is +bound to jangle a sensitive woman's nerves. The less the girls thought +upon the matter, the better for them.... + +Orders were given, a sofa was drawn towards the hearth, Jonah went to +seek some champagne, and I slipped on a coat and left the hotel for the +garage. + +When I returned some twenty minutes later, Adele had discovered a piano +and was playing "Whispering," while the others were dancing with as +much freedom from care as they might have displayed at a night-club. + +When I laid the scent on the table, the dance died, and Daphne, Adele, +and Jill crowded about me. + +"One for each of you," I said. "With my love. But wait one moment." +I turned to Adele. "How did you tell the 'Red Violets' from the +others?" + +"It's paper had a line----" + +I pointed to the three parcels. + +"So have they all," I said. "It depends on the way the light strikes +it. One moment you see it, and the next you can't." + +My wife examined the packages in turn. + +"You're perfectly right," she said. Then, "Good Heavens!" she cried. +"Perhaps I gave that woman the wrong one, after all." + +I shrugged my shoulders. + +"I don't suppose she cared. What's in a name? They're each of them +worth four pounds." + +"That's true," said Adele musingly. "Still...." + +We opened them one by one. + +The first was the Black Lily. + +Then came the Grey Jasmine. + +I ripped the paper off the third case and laid it upon the table. + +With my fingers about the cardboard, I paused. + +"And what," said I, "is the betting?" + +"Blue Rose," cried Jill. + +"Red Violets," said Adele. + +I opened the case. + +They were both wrong. + +The tray contained no perfume at all. + +Crammed into the form of a scent-bottle was a dirty huddle of +wash-leather. + +I lifted it out between my finger and thumb. + +The diamond and emerald necklace which lay beneath must have been worth +a quarter of a million. + + * * * * * + +"Yes," said the British Vice-Consul, some two hours later, "this little +seaside town is a sort of Thieves' Parlour. Four-fifths of the stuff +that's stolen in Spain goes out of the country this way. As in the +present case, the actual thief daren't try to cross the frontier, but +he's always got an accomplice waiting at San Sebastian. We know the +thieves all right--at least, the police do, but the accomplices are the +devil. Often enough, they go no further than Biarritz, and there are +so many of the Smart Set constantly floating between the two towns that +they're frightfully hard to spot. In fact, about the only chance is to +trace their connection with the thief. What I mean is this. A's got +the jewels and he's got to pass them to B. That necessitates some kind +of common denominator. Either they've got to meet or they've got to +visit--at different times, of course--the same bureau.... + +"Well, there you are. + +"By the merest accident you stumbled upon the actual communication of +the password by A to B. The voice you heard upon the telephone was +that of the original thief, or of his representative. This morning you +visited the actual bureau. I know the place well. My wife's bought +scent there. It's always been a bit of a mystery, but I never +suspected this. I've not the slightest doubt it's been used as a +bureau for years. Well, in all innocence you gave the password, and in +all innocence received the gems. B arrives too late, finds that you +have them, and starts in pursuit. I've no doubt she really ran on to +see which way you'd gone. She couldn't have hoped to catch you on +foot. Of course, she couldn't understand how you'd come by the +password, but the few words you'd had with her the night before made +her suspect your innocence. Still, she wasn't sure, and that's why her +chauffeur fetched up across your bows." + +"You don't mean----" + +"I do indeed. If you hadn't handed them over, they'd have been taken +by force.... + +"Well, finding that either by accident or design she's been sold a pup, +B communicates with the gang, and, while you're out, your rooms are +ransacked." + +"And I walked," I said, "after dark from the Calle de Miracruz to this +hotel with the baubles under my arm." + +The Vice-Consul laughed. + +"The armour of ignorance," he said, "will sometimes turn the keenest +wits. The confidence it gives its wearer is proverbial." + +"But why," said Adele, "was the shop-girl so terribly nervous? I mean, +if she's used to this sort of traffic...." + +The Vice-Consul fingered his chin. + +Then he picked up the jewels. + +"Perhaps," he said slowly, "perhaps she knew where they came from." + +"Where was that?" said Daphne. + +The Vice-Consul frowned. + +"When I last saw them," he said, "they were in the Royal Treasury." + + * * * * * + +At half-past ten the next morning I was walking upon the golf links of +St. Jean-de-Luz. + +I was not there of choice. + +Two very eminent detectives--one French and one Spanish--were upon +either side of me. + +We were close to the seventh green, when the Frenchman touched me upon +the arm. + +"Look, sir," he said, pointing. "There is a golf party coming. They +are making, no doubt, for this spot. When they arrive, pray approach +and look at them. If you should recognise anyone, I beg that you will +take off your hat." + +He bowed, and a moment later I was alone. + +I sat down on the turf and took out a cigarette.... + +With a plop, a golf ball alighted upon the green, trickled a few feet, +and stopped a yard from the hole. Presently, another followed it, +rolled across the turf, and struggled into the rough. + +I got upon my feet and strolled towards the green.... + +It was a mixed foursome. + +In a cherry-coloured jumper and a white skirt, Eulalie looked prettier +than ever. + +She saw me at once, of course, but she took no notice. + +Her companions glanced at me curiously. + +Putter in hand, Eulalie walked to her ball--the far one--and turned her +back to me. After a little consideration, she holed out. + +It was a match shot, and her companions applauded vigorously. + +Eulalie just smiled. + +"I'm always better," she said, "when I've something at stake." + +"And what," said her partner, a large blue-eyed Englishman with a grey +moustache, "have you got at stake this time?" + +Eulalie laughed mischievously. + +"If I told you," she said, "you wouldn't believe me." + +Light-heartedly enough, they passed to the eighth tee. + +I watched them go thoughtfully. + +When the detectives came up-- + +"I didn't take off my hat," I explained, "because I wasn't sure. But +I'm almost certain that somewhere before I've seen that great big +fellow with the grey moustache." + +My companions were not interested. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +HOW JONAH TOOK OFF HIS COAT, AND BERRY FLIRTED WITH FORTUNE FOR ALL HE +WAS WORTH + +"My dear," said Berry, "be reasonable." + +"With pleasure," said Daphne. "But I'm not going to let you off." + +Her husband frowned upon a roll. + +"When I say," he said, "that I have a feeling to-day that my luck is +in, I'm not being funny. Only once before have I had that conviction. +I was at Cannes at the time--on the point of leaving for Paris. I went +to Monte Carlo instead.... That night I picked up over six hundred +pounds." + +"I know," said his wife. "You've often told me. But I can't help it. +I made you give me your word before we came here, and I'm not going to +let you off." + +"I gave it without thinking," declared her husband. "Besides, I never +dreamed I should have this feeling." + +"I did," said Daphne shortly. "That's why I made you promise. Have +some more coffee?" + +Pointedly ignoring the invitation, Berry returned to his roll and, +after eyeing it with disgust which the bread in no way deserved, +proceeded to disrupt and eviscerate it with every circumstance of +barbarity. Covertly, Jonah and I exchanged smiles.... + +Forty-eight hours had elapsed since I had cut Eulalie, and this was the +morning of our last day at San Sebastian. + +During our short stay the weather had been superb, and we had been out +and about the whole day long. Of an evening--save for one memorable +exception--we had been to the Casino.... + +For as long as I could remember, Berry had had a weakness for Roulette. +For Baccarat, _Petits Chevaux_, and the rest he cared nothing: fifty +pounds a year would have covered his racing bets: if he played Bridge, +it was by request. My brother-in-law was no gambler. There was +something, however, about the shining wheel, sunk in its board of green +cloth, which he found irresistible. + +Remembering this fascination, my sister had broached the matter so soon +as we had decided to visit San Sebastian, with the happy result that, +ere we left Pau, her husband had promised her three things. The first +was to leave his cheque-books at home; the second, to take with him no +more than two hundred pounds; the third, to send for no more money. + +And now the inevitable had happened. + +The two hundred pounds were gone--every penny; we were not due to leave +until the morrow; and--Berry was perfectly satisfied that his luck had +changed. As for the promises his wife had extracted, he was repenting +his rashness as heartily as she was commending her prevision. + +"Nothing," said Berry, turning again to the charge, "was said about +borrowing, was it?" + +"No." + +"Very well, then. Boy and Jonah'll have to lend me something. I'm not +going to let a chance like this go." + +"Sorry, old chap," said Jonah, "but we've got to pay the hotel bill. +Thanks to your activities, we're landed with----" + +"How much have you got?" demanded Berry. + +I cut in and threw the cards on the table. + +"Brother," I said, "we love you. For that reason alone we won't lend +you a paper franc. But then you knew that before you asked us." + +My brother-in-law groaned. + +"I tell you," he affirmed, "you're throwing away money. With another +two hundred and fifty I could do anything. I can feel it in my bones." + +"You'd lose the lot," said Jonah. "Besides, you've eaten your cake. +If you'd limited yourself last night and played rationally, instead of +buttering the board...." + +"I'm sure," said Jill, "you ought to have played on a system. If you'd +put a pound on 'RED' and kept on doubling each time you lost----" + +"Yes," said Berry. "That's an exhilarating stunt, that is. Before you +know where you are, you've got to put two hundred and fifty-six pounds +on an even chance to get one back. With a limit of four hundred and +eighty staring you in the face, that takes a shade more nerve than I +can produce. I did try it once--at Madeira. Luck was with me. After +three hours I'd made four shillings and lost half a stone.... +Incidentally, when a man starts playing Roulette on a system, it's time +to pray for his soul. I admit there are hundreds who do it--hundreds +of intelligent, educated, thoughtful men and women. Well, you can pray +for the lot. They're trying to read something which isn't written. +They're studying a blank page. They're splitting their brains over a +matter on which an idiot's advice would be as valuable. I knew a +brilliant commercial lawyer who used to sit down at the table and +solemnly write down every number that turned up for one hour. For the +next sixty minutes he planked still more solemnly on the ones that had +turned up least often. Conceive such a frame of mind. That wonderful +brain had failed to grasp the one simple glaring point of which his +case consisted--that Roulette is lawless. He failed to appreciate that +he was up against Fortune herself. He couldn't realise that because +'7' had turned up seven times running at a quarter past nine, that was +no earthly reason why '7' shouldn't turn up eight times running at a +quarter past ten. Heaven knows what fun he got out of it. For me, the +whole joy of the thing is that you're flirting with Fate." He closed +his eyes suddenly and flung back his head. "Oh," he breathed, "I tell +you she's going to smile to-night. I can see the light in her eyes. I +have a feeling that she's going to be very kind ... very kind ... +somehow ..." + +We let him linger over the fond reflection, eyeing one another +uneasily. It was, we felt, but the prelude to a more formidable attack. + +We were right. + +"I demand," barked Berry, "that I be allowed the wherewithal to +prosecute my suit." + +"Not a farthing," said Daphne. "To think that that two hundred pounds +is gone makes me feel ill." + +"That's exactly why I want to win it back--and more also." He looked +round desperately. "Anybody want a birthright? For two hundred and +fifty quid--I'd change my name." + +"It sounds idiotic, I know," said I, "but supposing--supposing you +lost." + +"I shan't to-night," said Berry. + +"Sure?" + +"Positive. I tell you, I feel----" + +"And you," said Jonah scornfully, "you have the temerity to talk about +praying for others' souls. You sit there and----" + +"I tell you," insisted Berry, "that I have a premonition. Look here. +If I don't have a dart to-night, I shall never be the same man +again.... Boy, I implore you----" + +I shook my head. + +"Nothing doing," I said. "You'll thank us one day." + +"You don't understand," wailed Berry. "You've never known the feeling +that you were bound to win." + +"Yes, I have--often. And it's invariably proved a most expensive +sensation." + +There was a moment's silence. Then-- + +"Right," said my brother-in-law. "You're one and all determined to see +me go down. You've watched me drop two hundred, and not one of you's +going to give me a hand to help me pick it up. It may be high-minded, +but it's hardly cordial. Some people might call it churlish.... Upon +my soul, you are a cold-blooded crowd. Have you ever known a deal I +wouldn't come in on? And now, because you are virtuous, I'm to lose my +fun.... Ugh! Hymn Number Four Hundred and Seventy-Seven, 'The Cakes +and Ale are Over.'" + +Struggling with laughter, Adele left her seat and, coming quickly +behind him, set her white hands upon his shoulders. + +"Dear old chap," she said, laying her cheek against his, "look at it +this way. You're begging and praying us to let you down. Yes, you +are. And if we helped you to break your word, neither you nor we would +ever, at the bottom of our hearts, think quite so much of us again. +And that's not good enough. Even if you won five thousand pounds it +wouldn't compensate. Respect and self-respect aren't things you can +buy." + +"But, sweetheart," objected Berry, "nothing was said about borrowing. +Daphne admits it. If I can raise some money without reference to my +bankers, I'm at liberty to do so." + +"Certainly," said Adele. "But we mustn't help. If that was allowed, +it 'ld knock the bottom out of your promise. You and Daphne and we are +all in the same stable: and that--to mix metaphors--puts us out of +Court. If you ran into a fellow you knew, and he would lend you some +money, or you found a hundred in the street, or a letter for you +arrived----" + +"--or one of the lift-boys died, leaving me sole legatee.... I see. +Then I should be within my rights. In fact, if anything which can't +happen came to pass, no one would raise any objection to my taking +advantage of it. You know, you're getting too generous." + +"That's better," said Adele. "A moment ago we were cold-blooded." + +Berry winced. + +"I take it back," he said humbly. "Your central heating arrangements, +at any rate, are in perfect order. Unless your heart was glowing, your +soft little cheek wouldn't be half so warm." + +"I don't know about that," said Adele, straightening her back. "But we +try to be sporting. And that's your fault," she added. "You've taught +us." + +The applause which greeted this remark was interrupted by the entry of +a waiter bearing some letters which had been forwarded from Pau. + +A registered package, for which Berry was requested to sign, set us all +thinking. + +"Whatever is it?" said Daphne. + +"I can't imagine," replied her husband, scrutinising the postmark. +"'Paris'? I've ordered nothing from Paris that I can remember." + +"Open it quick," said Jonah. "Perhaps it's some wherewithal." + +Berry hacked at the string.... + +The next instant he leaped to his feet. + +"Fate!" he shrieked. "Fate! I told you my luck was in!" He turned to +his wife breathlessly. "'Member those Premium Bonds you wanted me to +go in for? Over a month ago I applied for twenty-five. I'd forgotten +about the trash--and _here they are_!" + + * * * * * + +Two hours and a half had gone by, and we were rounding a tremendous +horse-shoe bend on the way to Zarauz, when my wife touched Berry upon +the arm. + +"Aren't you excited?" she said. + +"Just a trifle," he answered. "But I'm trying to tread it under. It's +essential that I should keep cool. When you're arm in arm with +Fortune, you're apt to lose your head. And then you're done. The +jade'll give me my cues--I'm sure of it. But she won't shout them. +I've got to keep my eyes skinned and my ears pricked, if I'm going to +pick them up." + +"If I," said Adele, "were in your shoes, I should be just gibbering." + +It was, indeed, a queer business. + +The dramatic appearance of the funds had startled us all. Had they +arrived earlier, had they come in the shape of something less easily +negotiable than Bearer Bonds, had they been representing more or less +than precisely the very sum which Berry had named in his appeal, we +might have labelled the matter "Coincidence," and thought no more of +it. Such a label, however, refused to stick. The affair ranked with +thunder out of a cloudless sky. + +As for my sister, with the wind taken out of her sails, she had hauled +down her flag. The thing was too hard for her. + +It was Jonah who had sprung a mine in the midst of our amazement. + +"Stop," he had cried. "Where's yesterday's paper? Those things are +Premium Bonds, and, unless I'm utterly mistaken, there was a drawing +two days ago. One of those little fellows may be worth a thousand +pounds." + +The paper had confirmed his report.... + +The thought that, but for his wit, we might have released such +substance to clutch at such a shadow, had set us all twittering more +than ever. + +At once a council had been held. + +Finally it had been decided to visit a bank and, before we disposed of +the Bonds, to ask for and search the official bulletin in which are +published the results of all Government Lottery Draws. + +Inquiry, however, had revealed that the day was some sort of a holiday, +and that no banks would be open.... + +At last a financier was unearthed--a changer of money. In execrable +French he had put himself at our service. + +'Yes, he had the bulletin. It had arrived this morning...' + +Feverishly we searched its pages. + +Once we had found the column, a glance was enough. Our Bonds bore +consecutive numbers, of which the first figure was "o." The series +appeared to be unfortunate. The winning list contained not a single +representative. + +More reassured than disappointed, we raised the question of a loan. + +Our gentleman picked at the Bonds and wrinkled his nose. After a +little he offered one hundred pounds. + +This was absurd, and we said so. + +The Bonds were worth two hundred and fifty pounds, and were as good as +hard cash. The fellow had no office, and, when we wanted him again, as +like as not he would have disappeared. His personal appearance was +against him. + +When we protested, his answer came pat. + +'He was no money-lender. In the last ten years he had not advanced ten +pesetas. He was a changer of money, a broker, and nothing else.' + +Finally he offered one hundred and fifty pounds--at sixty per cent. a +year _or part of a year_. + +For one so ignorant of usury, this was not bad. We thanked him acidly, +offered the Bonds for sale, and, after a little calculation, accepted +two hundred and forty-three pounds in Spanish notes. + +Half an hour later we had climbed into the cars, anxious to make the +most of our last day in Spain.... + +If the way to Zarauz was handsome, that from Zarauz to Zumaya was fit +for a king. Take us a range of mountains--bold, rugged, precipitous, +and bring the sea to their foot--no ordinary sea, sirs, but Ocean +himself, the terrible Atlantic to wit, in all his glory. And there, +upon the boundary itself, where his proud waves are stayed, build us a +road, a curling shelf of a road, to follow the line of that most +notable indenture, witnessing the covenant 'twixt land and sea, settled +when Time was born. + +Above us, the ramparts of Spain--below, an echelon of rollers, +ceaselessly surging to their doom--before us, a ragged wonder of +coast-line, rising and falling and thrusting into the distance, till +the snarling leagues shrank into murmuring inches and tumult dwindled +into rest--on our right, the might, majesty, dominion and power of +Ocean, a limitless laughing mystery of running white and blue, shining +and swaying and swelling till the eye faltered before so much +magnificence and Sky let fall her curtain to spare the failing +sight--for over six miles we hung over the edge of Europe.... + +Little wonder that we sailed into Zumaya--all red roofs, white walls +and royal-blue timbers--with full hearts, flushed and exulting. The +twenty precious minutes which had just gone by were charged with the +spirit of the Odyssey. + +Arrived at the village, we stopped, to wait for the others. So soon as +they came, we passed on slowly along the road to Deva. Perhaps a mile +from Zumaya we ate our lunch.... + +The comfortable hush which should succeed a hearty meal made in the +open air upon a summer's day was well established. Daphne and Adele +were murmuring conversation: in a low voice Jill was addressing Berry +and thinking of Piers: pipe in mouth, Jonah was blinking into a pair of +field-glasses: and I was lying flat upon my back, neither smoking nor +sleeping, but gradually losing consciousness with a cigarette in my +hand. + +I had come to the point of postponing through sheer lethargy the +onerous duty of lifting the cigarette to my lips, when, with an oath +that ripped the air, Jonah started to his feet. + +Sleep went flying. + +I sat up amazedly, propping myself on my hands.... + +With dropped jaw, my cousin was staring through the glasses as a man +who is looking upon sudden death. While I watched, he lowered them, +peered into the distance, clapped them again to his eyes, let them +fall, glanced swiftly to right and left, shut his mouth with a snap, +and made a dash for the cars.... + +With his hand upon Ping's door, he turned and pointed a trembling +forefinger along the valley. + +"There's Zed," he cried. "My horse. Haven't seen him since Cambrai. +Leading a team, and they're flogging him." + +I fancy he knew I should join him, for he never closed Ping's door. As +he changed into second, I swung myself inboard. A moment later we were +flying along the dusty road.... + +Zed had been Jonah's charger for over three years. Together, for month +after month, the two had endured the rough and revelled in the smooth. +They had shared misery, and they had shared ease. Together, many +times, they had passed through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. And, +while the animal must have loved Jonah, my cousin was devoted to the +horse. At last came Cambrai.... + +Jonah was shot through the knee and sent to England. And Zed--poor Zed +disappeared. + +My cousin's efforts to trace him were superhuman. Unhappily his groom +had been killed, when Jonah was wounded, and, though all manner of +authorities, from the Director of Remounts downwards, had lent their +official aid, though a most particular description had been circulated +and special instructions issued to all the depots through which the +horse might pass, to his lasting grief Jonah had never heard of Zed +again. + +And now.... I found myself praying that he had not been mistaken. + +Jonah was driving like a man possessed. + +We tore up a rise, whipped round a bend and, coming suddenly upon a +road on our right, passed it with locked wheels. + +The noise my cousin made, as he changed into reverse, showed that his +love for Zed was overwhelming. + +We shot backward, stopped, stormed to the right and streaked up a +shocking road at forty-five.... We flashed into a hamlet, turned at +right angles, missed a waggon by an inch and flung up a frightful track +towards a farm.... + +Then, before I knew what had happened, we had stopped dead, and Jonah's +door was open and he was limping across the road. + +In the jaws of a rude gateway stood a waggon of stones. Harnessed to +this were three sorry-looking mules and, leading them, the piteous +wreck of what had been a blue roan. The latter was down--and out. + +For this the immediate reason was plain. + +The teamster, better qualified for the treadmill, had so steered his +waggon that the hub of its off fore wheel had met the gatepost. This +he had not observed, but, a firm believer in the omnipotency of the +lash, had determined to reduce the check, whatever might be its cause, +by methods of blood and iron. Either because he was the most +convenient or by virtue of his status, the leader had received the +brunt of the attack. That is, of course, one way of driving.... + +The blue roan was down, and his master had just kicked him in the belly +when Jonah arrived. + +The Spaniard was a big fellow, but my cousin has wrists of steel.... +He took the whip from its owner as one takes a toy from a baby. Then +with the butt he hit him across the mouth. The Spaniard reeled, caught +his foot on a stone and fell heavily. Jonah threw down the whip and +took off his coat. + +"I don't want to kill him," he said quietly. + +When the other rose, he looked extremely ugly. This was largely due to +the fact that most of his front teeth were missing and that it was +difficult, because of the blood, to see exactly where his face ended +and his mouth began. The look in his eyes, however, was suggesting the +intent to kill. + +He had no idea, of course, that he was facing perhaps the one man +living who could have thrashed a champion.... + +It is not often that you will see half a dozen of the most illustrious +members of the National Sporting Club attending an Assault-at-Arms held +at a public school. Three years running I had that honour. The +gentlemen came to see Jonah. And though no applause was allowed during +the boxing, they always broke the rule.... In due season my cousin +went to Oxford.... In his second year, in the Inter-University +contest, he knocked his opponent out in seven seconds. The latter +remained unconscious for more than six hours, each crawling one of +which took a year off Jonah's life. From that day my cousin never put +on the gloves again.... + +All, however, that the Spaniard saw was a tall lazy-looking man with a +game leg, who by his gross interference had taken him by surprise. + +He lowered his head and actually ran upon his fate.... + +I have never seen "punishment" at once so frightful and so +punctiliously administered. Jonah worked with the swift precision of +the surgeon about the operating table. He confessed afterwards that +his chief concern was to keep his opponent too blind with rage to see +the wisdom of capitulation. He need not have worried.... + +When it had become obvious that the blessed gifts of sight, smell, and +hearing had been almost wholly withdrawn from the gentleman, when, in +fact, he had practically ceased attempting to defend himself, and +merely bellowed with mortification at every stinging blow, Jonah +knocked him sprawling on to the midden, and drew off his wash-leather +gloves. + +The next moment he was down on his knees beside the roan, plucking at +the rough harness with trembling fingers. + +Once the horse sought to rise, but at Jonah's word he stopped and laid +down his head. + +Between us we got him clear. Then we stood back, and Jonah called him. + +With a piteous effort the roan got upon his legs. That there was back +trouble and at least one hock was sprung I saw at a glance. The horse +had been broken down. He was still blowing badly, and I ran for the +flask in the car. When I came back, Jonah was caressing his charger +with tears running down his cheeks.... + +There is a listlessness, born of harsh treatment, suckled on dying +hopes, reared on the bitter memory of happier days, which is more +eloquent than tears. There is an air of frozen misery, of a despair so +deep that a kind word has come to lose its meaning, which none but +horses wear. + +Looking upon Zed, I felt ashamed to be a man. + +Gaunt, filthy, and tottering, the flies mercilessly busy about three +shocking sores, the roan was presenting a terrible indictment to be +filed against the Day of Judgment. '...And not one of them is +forgotten before God....' But there was worse than pain of body here. +The dull, see-nothing eyes, the heavy-laden head, the awful-stricken +mien, told of a tragedy to make the angels weep--an English +thoroughbred, not dead, but with a broken heart. + +We had administered the brandy, Jonah was bathing a sore, and I had +made a wisp and was rubbing Zed down, when-- + +"Good day," said a voice. + +With his arms folded upon the sill, a little grey-headed man was +watching us from a window. + +I looked up and nodded. + +"Good day," I said. + +"Ah like boxing," said the man. "Ah've bin twelve years in the States, +an' Ah'd rather see boxing than a bull-fight. You like baseball?" + +I shook my head. + +"I've never seen it," I said. + +"Haven't missed much," was the reply. "But Ah like boxing. You +visiting Spain?" + +"For a few days." + +"'S a fine country. Bin to Sevilla?" + +Entirely ignoring the violence which he had just witnessed, to say +nothing of our trespass upon his property and our continued attention +to his horse, the farmer proceeded to discuss the merits and +shortcomings of Spain with as much detached composure as if we had met +him in a tavern. + +At length Jonah got up. + +"Will you sell me this horse?" + +"Yes," said the man. "Ah will." + +"What d'you want for him?" + +"Five hundred pesetas." + +"Right," said Jonah. "Have you got a halter?" + +The man disappeared. Presently he emerged from a door halter in hand. + +The twenty pounds passed, and Zed was ours. + +Tenderly my cousin fitted the halter about the drooping head. + +"One more effort, old chap," he said gently, turning towards the +gate.... + +Out of compassion for the mules, I drew the farmer's attention to the +hub which was nursing the gatepost. + +He just nodded. + +"Pedro could never drive," he said. + +"I should get a new carter," I said. + +He shrugged his shoulders. Then he jerked his head in the direction of +the carcase upon the midden. + +"He is my step-father. We do not speak," he said simply. + +We found the others in the hamlet through which we had passed. There I +handed over Ping to Adele, and thence Jonah and Zed and I walked to +Zumaya. + +To find a box at the station was more than we had dared hope for, but +there it was--empty and waiting to be returned to San Sebastian. +Beneath the influence of twenty-five pesetas, the station-master saw no +good reason why it should not be returned by the evening train. + +We left Jonah to accompany his horse and hurried home by car to seek a +stable. + +When we sat down to dinner that night at eight o'clock, Jonah called +for the wine-list and ordered a magnum of champagne. + +When the wine was poured, he raised his glass and looked at me. + +"Thank you for helping me," he said. He glanced round with his eyes +glowing. "And all of you for being so glad." He drank and touched +Adele upon the shoulder. "In a loose-box, up to his knees in straw, +with an armful of hay to pick over, and no congestion.... Have you +ever felt you wanted to get up and dance?" He turned to Berry. +"Brother, your best. May you spot the winner to-night, as I did this +afternoon." + +"Thank you," said Berry, "thank you. I must confess I'd been hoping +for some sort of intuition as to what to do. But I've not had a hint +so far. Perhaps, when I get to the table.... It's silly, of course. +One mustn't expect too much, but I had the feeling that I was going to +be given a tip. You know. Like striking a dud egg, and then putting +your shirt on a horse called 'Attar of Roses.' ... Never mind. Let's +talk about something else. Why did you call him 'Zed'?" + +"Short for 'Zero,'" said Jonah. "I think my groom started it, and +I----" + +"Zero," said Berry quietly. "I'm much obliged." + + * * * * * + +It was a quarter to eleven, and Berry had lost one hundred and seventy +pounds. + +Across her husband's back Daphne threw me a despairing glance. Upon +the opposite side of the table, Adele and Jill, one upon either side of +Jonah, stared miserably before them. I lighted my tenth cigarette and +wondered what Berry had done.... + +The table was crowded. + +From their points of vantage the eight croupiers alternately did their +business and regarded the assembly with a bored air. + +A beautifully dressed American, who had been losing, observed the luck +of her neighbour, a burly Dutchman, with envious eyes. With a +remonstrance in every fingertip, a debonnaire Frenchman was laughingly +upbraiding his fellow for giving him bad advice. From above his +horn-rimmed spectacles an old gentleman in a blue suit watched the +remorseless rake jerk his five pesetas into "the Bank" in evident +annoyance. Cheek by jowl with a dainty Englishwoman, who reminded me +irresistibly of a Dresden shepherdess, a Spanish Jew, who had won, was +explosively disputing with a croupier the amount of his stake. Two +South Americans were leaning across the table, nonchalantly "plastering +the board." A little old lady, with an enormous bag, was thanking an +elegant Spaniard for disposing her stake as she desired. Finger to +lip, a tall Spanish girl in a large black hat was sizing her remaining +counters with a faint frown. A very young couple, patently upon their +honeymoon, were conferring excitedly.... + +"_Hagan juego, Senores._" + +The conference between the lovers became more intense. + +"_Esta hecho?_" + +"Oh, be quick!" cried the girl. "Between '7' and '8,' Bill. +Between..." + +As the money went on-- + +"_No va mas_," cried the croupier in charge. + +Two pairs of eyes peered at the revolving wheel. They did not notice +that the Dutchman, plunging at the last moment upon 'MANQUE,' had +touched their counter with his cuff and moved it to '9.' + +The ball lost its momentum, poppled across the ridges, and leaped to +rest. + +"_Nueve._" + +Two faces fell. I wondered if a new frock had vanished into air.... + +With the edge of his rake a croupier was tapping their counter and +looking round for the claimant. + +For a second the Jew peered about him. Then he pointed to himself and +stretched out his hand. + +I called to the croupier in French. + +"No. It belongs to Monsieur and Madame. I saw what happened. That +gentleman moved it with his cuff." + +"_Merci, Monsieur._" + +With a sickly leer the pretender rallied the croupier, confidentially +assured the dainty Englishwoman that he did not care, and, laughing a +little too heartily, waved the thirty-five pounds towards their +bewildered owners. + +"B-but it isn't mine," stammered the boy. + +"Yes," I said, smiling. "Your counter was moved. I saw the whole +thing." I hesitated. Then, "If you'll take an old hand's advice, +you'll stop now. A thing like that's invariably the end of one's luck." + +I was not 'an old hand,' and I had no authority for my dictum. My +interference was unpardonable. When the two stopped to thank me, as +they passed from the room, I felt like a criminal. Still, they looked +very charming; and, after all, a frock on the back is worth a score at +the dressmaker's. + +"I am going," said Berry, "to suspend my courtship and smoke a +cigarette. Possibly I'm going too strong. If I give the lady a rest, +she may think more of me." + +"I suppose," said Daphne, "you're bent on losing it all." + +Her husband frowned. + +"Fortune favours the bold," he said shortly. "You see, she's just +proving me. If I were to falter, she'd turn me down." + +It was impossible not to admire such confidence. + +I bade my sister take heart. + +"Much," I concluded, "may be done with forty pounds." + +"Fifty," corrected Berry. "And now let's change the subject. How +d'you pronounce Lwow? Or would you rather tell me a fairy tale?" + +I shook my head. + +"My power," I said, "of concentration is limited." + +"Then I must," said Berry. "It's fatal to brood over your fortune." +He sat back in his chair and let the smoke make its own way out of his +mouth. "There was once a large king. It wasn't his fault. The girth +went with the crown. All the Koppabottemburgs were enormous. Besides, +it went very well with his subjects. Looking upon him, they felt they +were getting their money's worth. A man of simple tastes, his +favourite hobby was fowls. + +"One day, just as he'd finished cleaning out the fowl-house, he found +that he'd run out of maize. So he slipped on his invisible cloak and +ran round to the grocer's. He always wore his invisible cloak when +shopping. He found it cheaper. + +"Well, the grocer was just recovering from the spectacle of two pounds +of the best maize shoving themselves into a brown-paper bag and pushing +off down the High Street, when a witch came in. The grocer's heart +sank into his boots. He hated witches. If you weren't civil, before +you knew where you were, you were a three-legged toad or a dew-pond or +something. So you had to be civil. As for their custom--well, it +wasn't worth having. They wouldn't look at bacon, unless you'd +guarantee that the pig had been killed on a moonless Friday with the +wind in the North, and as for pulled figs, if you couldn't swear that +the box had been crossed by a one-eyed man whose father had committed +arson in a pair of brown boots, you could go and bury them under the +lilacs. + +"This time, however, the grocer was pleasantly surprised. + +"I didn't know," said the witch, "that you were under the patronage of +Royalty." + +"Oh, didn't you?" said the grocer. "Why, the Master of the Horse has +got his hoof-oil here for nearly two days now." + +"Master of the Horse be snookered," said the witch. "I'm talking about +the king." + +"'The K-King?'" stammered the grocer. + +"'Oh, cut it out,' said the witch, to whom an invisible cloak meant +nothing. 'No doubt you've been told to keep quiet, but I don't count. +And I'll bet you did the old fool over his maize.' + +"The grocer's brain worked very rapidly. The memory of a tin of mixed +biscuits and half a Dutch cheese, which had floated out of his shop +only the day before, and numerous other recollections of mysteriously +animated provisions came swarming into his mind. At length-- + +"'We never charge Royalty,' he said loftily. + +"'Oh, don't you?' snapped the witch. 'Well, supposing you change this +broomstick. You swore blue it was cut on a rainless Tuesday from an +ash that had supported a murderer with a false nose. The very first +time I used it, it broke at six thousand feet. I was over the sea at +the time, and had to glide nearly four miles to make a landing. Can +you b-beat it?' + +"When the grocer put up his shutters two hectic hours later, he was a +weary man. In the interval he had been respectively a toad, a picture +post-card, and a tin of baked beans. And somebody had knocked him off +the counter during his third metamorphosis, so he felt like death. All +the same, before going to bed, he sat down and wrote to the Lord +Chamberlain, asking for permission to display the Royal Arms. Just to +make it quite clear that he wasn't relying on hoof-oil, he added that +he was shortly expecting a fine consignment of maize and other +commodities. + +"The postscript settled it. + +"The permission was granted, the king 'dealt' elsewhere in future, and +the witch was given three hours to leave the kingdom. So the grocer +lost his two worst customers and got the advertisement of his life. +Which goes to show, my children, that if only---- Hullo! Here's a new +shift." + +It was true. + +The eight croupiers were going off duty. As they vacated their seats, +eight other gentlemen in black immediately replaced them. + +Berry extinguished his cigarette and handed me his last bunch of notes. +In exchange for these, with the peculiar delicacy of his kind, the +croupier upon my right selected, arrayed and offered me counters of the +value of forty English pounds. + +He might have been spared his pains. + +As I was piling the money by Berry's side-- + +"_Zero,_" announced a nasal voice. + +"We're off," said my brother-in-law. "Will you see that they pay me +right?" + +One hundred and seventy-five pounds. + +Ere I had completed my calculation-- + +"_Zero,_" repeated the nasal voice. + +"I said so," said Berry, raising his eyebrows. "I had the maximum that +time. Will you be so good? Thank you." + +Trembling with excitement, I started to count the equivalent of four +hundred and ninety pounds. + +Berry was addressing the croupier. + +"No. Don't touch the stake. She's not finished yet." + +"_Esta hecho?_" + +"Don't leave it all," begged Daphne. "Take----" + +"_No vas mas._" + +Desperately I started to check the money again.... + +"_Zero._" + +There was a long gasp of wonderment, immediately followed by a buzz of +exclamation. The croupiers were smiling. Jill was jumping up and down +in her seat. Adele was shaking Jonah by the arm. My sister was +clinging to Berry, imploring him to "stop now." The two Frenchmen were +laughing and nodding their congratulations. The little old lady was +bowing and beaming good-will. Excepting, perhaps, the croupiers. +Berry seemed less concerned than anyone present. + +"No. I'm not going to stop," he said gently, "because that would be +foolish. But I'll give it a miss this time, because it's not coming +up. It's no longer a question of guessing, dear. I tell you, I know." + +The ball went flying. + +After a moment's interval-- + +"_Ocho_ (eight)," announced the croupier. + +"You see," said Berry. "I should have lost my money. Now this time my +old friend Zero will come along." + +On to the white-edged rectangle went fourteen pounds. + +A few seconds later I was receiving four hundred and ninety.... + +I began to feel dazed. As for counting the money, it was out of the +question. Idiotically I began to arrange the counters in little +piles.... + +'35' turned up. + +"That's right," said Berry quietly. "And now... It's really very +monotonous, but..." + +With a shrug of his shoulders, he set the limit on 'Zero.' + +I held my breath.... + +The ball ceased to rattle--began to fall--ricochetted from stud to +stud--tumbled into the wheel--nosed '32'--and ... fell with a click +into '0.' + +Berry spread out his hands. + +"I tell you," he said, "it's too easy.... And now, again." + +"Don't!" cried Daphne. "Don't! I beg you----" + +"My darling," said Berry, "after to-night--No. Leave the stake, +please--I'll never play again. This evening--well, the money's there, +and we may as well have it, mayn't we? I mean, it isn't as if I hadn't +been given the tip. From the moment I woke this morning---- Listen, +dear. Don't bother about the wheel--the lady's been hammering away. +You must admit, she's done the job thoroughly. First the intuition: +then the wherewithal: then, what to back. I should be a bottle-nosed +mug if I didn't----" + +"_Zero._" + +Upon the explosion of excitement which greeted the astounding event, +patrons of the Baccarat Table and of the other Roulette Wheel left +their seats and came crowding open-mouthed to see what was toward. +Complete strangers were chattering like old friends. Gibbering with +emotion, the Spanish Jew was dramatically recounting what had occurred. +The Dutchman was sitting back, laughing boisterously. The Frenchmen +were waving and crying, "_Vive l'Angleterre_." Jonah was shouting as +though he had been in the hunting field. Adele and Jill were beating +upon the table. + +Berry bowed his acknowledgments. + +As in a dream, I watched them send for more money. + +When it arrived, they gave me four hundred and ninety pounds. + +"_Hagan juego, Senores._" + +Berry shook his head. + +"Not this time," he said quietly. + +He was right. After a look at '0' the ball ran with a click into '15.' + +A long sigh of relief followed its settlement. + +"You see?" said Berry, picking up fourteen pounds.... + +"Don't," I said weakly. "Don't. I can't bear it. The board's +bewitched. If it turns up again, I shall collapse." + +"You mean that?" said Berry, putting the money on. + +"_No va mas._" + +"I do. My heart----" + +"Then say your prayers," said my brother-in-law. "For, as I live, that +ball's going to pick out----" + +"_Zero._" + +I never remember such a scene. + +Everybody in the room seemed to be shouting. I know I was. +Respectable Spaniards stamped upon the floor like bulls. The +Frenchmen, who with Berry and several others had backed the winner, +were clasping one another and singing the Marseillaise. The +beautifully dressed American was wringing Adele's hand. The old +gentleman in the blue suit was on his feet and appeared to be making a +speech. The Spanish girl was standing upon her chair waving a +handkerchief.... + +In vain the smiling croupiers appealed for order.... + +As the tumult subsided-- + +"Seven times in ten spins," said Berry. "Well, I think that'll do. +We'll just run up the board on the even chances...." + +There was no holding him. + +Before I knew where I was, he had set twelve thousand pesetas apiece on +'RED,' 'ODD,' and 'UNDER 19.' + +Some fourteen hundred pounds on a single spin. + +I covered my eyes ... + +As the ball began to lose way, the hush was awful.... + +"_Siete_ (seven)," announced the spokesman. + +With my brain whirling, I sought to garner the harvest.... + +My brother-in-law rose to his feet. + +"One last throw," he said. "'_PASSE_' for 'The Poor.'" + +He leaned forward and put the maximum on 'OVER 18.' + +A moment later, counter by counter, four hundred and seventy pounds +went into the poor-box. + +As I pushed back my chair, I glanced at my watch. + +In exactly sixteen minutes Berry had stung 'the Bank' to the tune +of--as near as I could make it--four thousand nine hundred and +ninety-five pounds. + + * * * * * + +Some ten hours later we slipped out of San Sebastian and on to the +famous road which leads to Biarritz. Berry, Daphne, and Jill were in +one car, and Adele and I were in the other. Jonah and Zed were to +travel together by train. It was improbable that they would leave for +Pau before the morrow. + +As we climbed out of Behobie, we took our last look at Spain, that +realm of majestic distances and superb backgrounds.... + +You may peer into the face of France and find it lovely; the more you +magnify an English landscape, the richer it will become; but to find +the whole beauty of Spain, a man must stand back and lift up his eyes. + +Now that we had left it behind, the pride and grandeur of the scenery +beggared description. It was as though for days we had been looking +upon a mighty canvas, and while we had caught something of its +splendour, now for the first time had we focussed it aright. The +memory we took away was that of a masterpiece. + +Anxious to be home in time for luncheon, I laid hold of the wheel.... + +We whipped through St. Jean de Luz, sang through Bidart, and hobbled +over a fearful stretch of metalling into Bayonne.... + +As we were nearing Bidache-- + +"How much," said Adele suddenly, "is Berry actually up?" + +"Allowing for everything," said I, "that is, his losses, what he gave +to the poor, and the various rates of exchange, about two hundred and +forty thousand francs." + +"Not so dusty," said Adele thoughtfully. "All the same----" + +A report like that of a gun blew the sentence to blazes. + +Heavily I took the car in to the side of the road.... + +A second tire went upon the outskirts of Pau. + +Happily we had two spare wheels.... + +As I was wearily resuming my seat, Berry, Daphne, and Jill went by with +a cheer. + +Slowly we followed them into the town.... + +It was not until we were stealing up our own villa's drive that at +length I remembered the question which for over an hour I had been +meaning to put to my wife. + +As I brought the car to a standstill-- + +"What was it," I demanded, "that you had begun to say when we had the +first burst near Bidache? We were talking about how much Berry was up, +and you said----" + +The most blood-curdling yell that I have ever heard fell upon our ears. + +For a moment we stared at one another. + +Then we fell out of the car by opposite doors and flew up the steps.... + +Extended upon a chair in the hall. Berry was bellowing, clawing at his +temples and drumming with his heels upon the floor. + +Huddled together, Daphne and Jill were poring over a letter with +starting eyes. + + +_DEAR SIR,_ + +_In case the fact has not already come to your notice, we hasten to +inform you that as a result of the drawing, which took place on Monday +last, one of the Premium Bonds, which we yesterday dispatched to you +per registered post, has won the first prize of fr. 500,000 (five +hundred thousand francs)._ + +_By way of confirmation, we beg to enclose a cutting from the official +Bulletin._ + +_We should, perhaps, point out that, in all announcements of the +results of drawings, the '0' or 'zero,' which for some reason +invariably precedes the number of a Premium Bond, is disregarded._ + +_Awaiting the pleasure of your instructions,_ + + _We beg to remain, dear sir, + Your obedient servants,_ + ---------- + + * * * * * + +It was perhaps five hours later that my memory again responded, and I +turned to Adele. + +"The dam burst," said I, "at the very moment when you were going to +tell me what you had been about to say when the first tire went outside +Bidache. Sounds like 'The House that Jack built,' doesn't it?" + +"Oh, I know," said Adele, laughing. "But it's no good now. I was +going to say----" + +The door opened, and Falcon came in with a wire. + +I picked up the form and weighed it thoughtfully. + +"Wonderfully quick," I said. "It was half-past two when I was at the +Bank, and I couldn't have been at the Post Office before a quarter to +three. I looked at my watch. Just under four hours." + +"The Bank?" said Adele, staring. "But you said you were going to the +Club." + +I nodded. + +"I know. I was anxious to raise no false hopes. All the same, I +couldn't help feeling that half a million francs were worth a tenpenny +wire. Therefore I telegraphed to Jonah. His answer will show whether +that tenpenny wire was worth half a million francs." + +My wife snatched the form from my hand and tore it open. + +It was very short. + + _Bonds repurchased Jonah._ + + * * * * * + +But my memory never recovered from the two-fold slight. + +To this day I cannot remember to ask Adele what it was that she had +been about to say when the first tire burst outside Bidache. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +HOW BERRY SOUGHT COMFORT IN VAIN, AND NOBBY SLEPT UPON A QUEEN'S BED. + +Time was getting on. + +The season at Pau was approaching the end of its course. Already +villas and flats and servants were being engaged for the winter to +come. We had been asked definitely whether we proposed to return and, +if so, whether we wished again to occupy the excellent villa we had. +Not knowing what answer to make to the first question, we had passed to +the second--somewhat illogically. The second had proved more heatedly +disputable than the first. Finally Jill had looked up from a letter to +Piers and put in her oar with a splash. + +"The villa's all right," she announced. "Everyone says it's the best, +and so should we, if we didn't live in it. It's what's inside that's +so awful. Even one decent sofa would make all the difference." + +In silence we pondered her words. + +At length-- + +"I confess," said Berry, "that the idea of having a few chairs about in +which you can sit continuously for ten minutes, not so much in comfort +as without fear of contracting a bed-sore or necrosis of the coccyx, +appeals to me. Compared with most of the 'sitzplatz' in this here +villa, an ordinary church pew is almost voluptuous. The beastly things +seem designed to promote myalgia." + +"Yet they do know," said I. "The French, I mean. Look at their beds." + +"Exactly," replied my brother-in-law. "That's the maddening part of +it. Every French bed is an idyll--a poem of repose. The upholsterer +puts his soul into its creation. A born genius, he expresses himself +in beds. The rest of the junk he turns out..." He broke off and +glanced about the room. His eye lighted upon a couch, lozenge-shaped, +hog-backed, featuring the Greek-Key pattern in brown upon a brick-red +ground and surrounded on three sides by a white balustrade some three +inches high. "Just consider that throne. Does it or does it not +suggest collusion between a private-school workshop, a bricklayer's +labourer, and the Berlin branch of the Y.W.C.A.?" + +"If," said Daphne, "it was only the chairs, I wouldn't mind. But it's +everything. The sideboard, for instance----" + +"Ah," said her husband, "my favourite piece. The idea of a double +cabin-washstand is very beautifully carried out. I'm always expecting +Falcon to press something and a couple of basins to appear. Then we +can wash directly after the asparagus." + +"The truth is," said Adele, "these villas are furnished to be let. And +when you've said that, you've said everything." + +"I agree," said I. "And if we liked Pau enough to come back next +autumn, the best thing to do is to have a villa of our own. I'm quite +ready to face another three winters here, and, if everyone else is, it +'ld be worth while. As for furniture, we can easily pick out enough +from Cholmondely Street and White Ladies." + +There was a moment's silence. + +Then-- + +"I'm on," said Jonah, who had caught three splendid salmon in the last +two days. "This place suits me." + +"And me," said Adele warmly. + +My sister turned to her husband. + +"What d'you think, old chap?" + +Berry smiled beatifically. A far-away look came into his eyes. + +"I shall personally superintend," he announced, "the removal and +destruction of the geyser." + +Amid some excitement the matter was then and there decided. + +The more we thought upon it, the sounder seemed the idea. The place +suited us all. To have our things about us would be wholly delightful. +Provided we meant for the future to winter abroad, we should save money. + +Pleasedly we proceeded to lunch. + +Throughout the meal we discussed what manner of house ours must be, +situation, dimensions, aspect. We argued amiably about its garden and +curtilage. We determined to insist upon two bathrooms. By the time +the cheese was served, we had selected most of the furniture and were +bickering good-temperedly about the style of the wall-papers. + +Then we rang up a house-agent, to learn that he had no unfurnished +villa "to let" upon his books. He added gratuitously that, except for +a ruined chateau upon the other side of Tarbes, he had nothing "for +sale" either. + +So soon as we had recovered, we returned to the charge... + +The third agent we addressed was not quite certain. There was, he +said, a house in the town--_tres solids, tres serieuse, dans un +quartier chic_. It would, he thought, be to our liking. It had, for +instance, _une salle de fete superbe_. He was not sure, however, that +it was still available. A French gentleman was much attracted, and had +visited it three times. + +We were greatly disgusted and said so. We did not want a house in the +town. We wanted.... + +Finally we succumbed to his entreaties and promised to view the villa, +if it was still in the market. He was to ring us up in ten minutes' +time.... + +So it happened that half an hour later we were standing curiously +before the great iron gates of a broad shuttered mansion in the Rue +Mazagran, Pau, while the agent was alternately pealing the bell for the +caretaker and making encouraging gestures in our direction. + +Viewed from without, the villa was not unpleasing. It looked extremely +well-built, it stood back from the pavement, it had plenty of elbow +room. The street itself was as silent as the tomb. Perhaps, if we +could find nothing else.... We began to wonder whether you could see +the mountains from the second floor. + +At last a caretaker appeared, I whistled to Nobby, and we passed up a +short well-kept drive. + +A moment later we had left the sunlight behind and had entered a huge +dim hall. + +"Damp," said Berry instantly, sniffing the air. "Damp for a monkey. I +can smell the good red earth." + +Daphne sniffed thoughtfully. + +"I don't think so," she said. "When a house has been shut up like +this, it's bound to----" + +"It's wonderful," said her husband, "what you can't smell when you +don't want to. Never mind. If you want to live over water, I don't +care. But don't say I didn't warn you. Besides, it'll save us money. +We can grow moss on the floors instead of carpets." + +"It does smell damp," said Adele, "but there's central heating. See?" +She pointed to a huge radiator. "If that works as it should, it'll +make your carpets fade." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +"I see what it is," he said. "You two girls have scented cupboards. I +never yet knew a woman who could resist cupboards. In a woman's eyes a +superfluity of cupboards can transform the most poisonous habitation +into a desirable residence. If you asked a woman what was the use of a +staircase, she'd say, 'To put cupboards under.'" + +By now the shutters had been opened, and we were able to see about us. +As we were glancing round, the caretaker shuffled to a door beneath the +stairs. + +"Here is a magnificent cupboard," she announced. "There are many +others." + +As we passed through the house, we proved the truth of her words. I +have never seen so many cupboards to the square mile in all my life. + +My wife and my sister strove to dissemble their delight. At length +Cousin Jill, however, spoke frankly enough. + +"They really are beautiful. Think of the room they give. You'll be +able to put everything away." + +Berry turned to me. + +"Isn't it enough to induce a blood-clot? 'Beautiful.' Evil-smelling +recesses walled up with painted wood. Birthplaces of mice. +Impregnable hot-beds of vermin. And who wants to 'put everything +away'?" + +"Hush," said I. "They can't help it. Besides---- Hullo! Here's +another bathroom." + +"Without a bath," observed my brother-in-law. "How very convenient! +Of course, you're up much quicker, aren't you? I suppose the idea is +not to keep people waiting. Come along." We passed into a bedroom. +"Oh, what a dream of a paper! 'Who Won the Boat-race, or The Battle of +the Blues.' Fancy waking up here after a heavy night. I suppose the +designer was found 'guilty, but insane.' Another two cupboards? +Thanks. That's fifty-nine. And yet another? Oh, no. The backstairs, +of course. As before, approached by a door which slides to and fro +with a gentle rumbling noise, instead of swinging. The same warranted +to jam if opened hastily. Can't you hear Falcon on the wrong side with +a butler's tray full of glass, wondering why he was born? Oh, and the +bijou spiral leads to the box-room, does it? I see. Adele's American +trunks, especially the five-foot cube, will go up there beautifully. +Falcon will like this house, won't he?" + +"I wish to goodness you'd be quiet," said Daphne. "I want to think." + +"It's not me," said her husband. "It's that Inter-University +wall-paper. And now where's the tower? I suppose that's approached by +a wire rope with knots in it?" + +"What tower?" said Adele. + +"_The_ tower. The feature of the house. Or was it a ballroom?" + +"Ah," I cried, "the ballroom! I'd quite forgotten." I turned to the +agent. "Didn't you say there was a ballroom?" + +"But yes, _Monsieur_. On the ground-floor. I will show it to you at +once." + +We followed him downstairs in single file, and so across the hall to +where two tall oak doors were suggesting a picture-gallery. For a +moment the fellow fumbled at their lock. Then he pushed the two open. + +I did not know that, outside a palace, there was such a chamber in all +France. Of superb proportions, the room was panelled from floor to +ceiling with oak--richly carved oak--and every handsome panel was +outlined with gold. The ceiling was all of oak, fretted with gold. +The floor was of polished oak, inlaid with ebony. At the end of the +room three lovely pillars upheld a minstrels' gallery, while opposite a +stately oriel yawned a tremendous fireplace, with two stone seraphim +for jambs. + +In answer to our bewildered inquiries, the agent explained excitedly +that the villa had been built upon the remains of a much older house, +and that, while the other portions of the original mansion had +disappeared, this great chamber and the basement were still surviving. +But that was all. Beyond that it was once a residence of note, he +could tell us nothing. + +Rather naturally, we devoted more time to the ballroom than to all the +rest of the house. Against our saner judgment, the possession of the +apartment attracted us greatly. It was too vast to be used with +comfort as a sitting-room. The occasions upon which we should enjoy it +as '_une salle de fete_,' would be comparatively few. Four ordinary +_salons_ would require less service and fuel. Yet, in spite of +everything, we wanted it very much. + +The rest of the house was convenient. The parlours were fine and airy; +there were two bathrooms; the bedrooms were good; the offices were +admirable. As for the basement, we lost our way there. It was +profound. It was also indubitably damp. There the dank smell upon +which Berry had remarked was most compelling. In the garden stood a +garage which would take both the cars. + +After a final inspection of the ballroom, we tipped the caretaker, +promised to let the agent know our decision, and, to the great +inconvenience of other pedestrians, strolled talkatively through the +streets towards the Boulevard. + +"I suppose," said Adele, "those were the other people." + +"Who were the other people?" I demanded. + +"The two men standing in the hall as we came downstairs." + +"I never saw them," said I. "But if you mean that one of them was the +fellow who's after the house, I fancy you're wrong, because the agent +told me he'd gone to Bordeaux." + +"Well, I don't know who they were, then," replied my wife. "They were +talking to the caretaker. I saw them through the banisters. By the +time we'd got down, they'd disappeared. Any way, it doesn't matter. +Only, if it was them, it looks as if they were thinking pretty +seriously about it. You don't go to see a house four times out of +curiosity." + +"You mean," said Berry, "that if we're fools enough to take it, we'd +better get a move on." + +"Exactly. Let's go and have tea at Bouzom's, and thrash it out there." + +No one of us, I imagine, will ever forget that tea. + +Crowded about a table intended to accommodate four, we alternately +disputed and insulted one another for the better part of two hours. +Not once, but twice of her agitation my sister replenished the teapot +with Jill's chocolate, and twice fresh tea had to be brought. Berry +burned his mouth and dropped an apricot tartlet on to his shoe. Until +my disgust was excited by a nauseous taste, I continued to drink from a +cup in which Jonah had extinguished a cigarette. + +Finally Berry pushed back his chair and looked at his watch. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "we came here this memorable afternoon +to discuss the advisability of taking a certain messuage--to wit, the +Villa Buichi--for the space of three years. As a result of that +discussion I have formed certain conclusions. In the first place, I am +satisfied that to dwell with you or any of you in the Villa Buichi or +any other habitation for the space of three years presents a prospect +so horrifying as to belittle Death itself. Secondly, while my main +object in visiting the said messuage was to insure, if possible, +against the future contraction of some complaint or disease of the +hams, I have, I fear, already defeated that object by sitting for +upwards of ninety minutes upon a chair which is rather harder than the +living rock, and whose surface I have reason to believe is studded with +barbs. Thirdly, whilst we are all agreed that a rent of fourteen +thousand francs is grotesque, I'd rather pay twice that sum out of my +own pocket than continue an argument which threatens to affect my mind. +Fourthly, the house is not what we want, or where we want it. The +prospect of wassailing in your own comic banqueting-hall is alluring, +but the French cook believes in oil, and, to us, living in the town, +every passing breeze will offer indisputable evidence, not only of the +lengths to which this belief will go, but of the Pentateuchal effects +which can be obtained by a fearless application of heat to rancid +blubber. Fifthly, since we can get nothing else, and the thought of +another winter in England is almost as soul-shaking as that of living +again amid French furniture, I suppose we'd better take it, always +provided they fill up the basement, put on a Mansard roof, add a few +cupboards, and reduce the rent. Sixthly, I wish to heaven I'd never +seen the blasted place. Lastly, I now propose to repair to the _Cercle +Anglais_, or English Club, there in the privacy of the _lavabo_ to +remove the traces of the preserved apricot recently adhering to my +right shoe, and afterwards to ascertain whether a dry Martini, cupped +in the mouth, will do something to relieve the agony I am suffering as +the direct result of concentrating on this rotten scheme to the +exclusion of my bodily needs. But there you are. When the happiness +of others is at stake, I forget that I exist." + +With that, he picked up his hat and, before we could stop him, walked +out of the shop. + +With such an avowal ringing in our ears, it was too much to expect that +he would remember that he had ordered the tea, and had personally +consumed seven cakes, not counting the apricot tart. + +However... + +I followed him to the Club, rang up the agent, and offered to take the +house for three years at a rent of twelve thousand francs. He promised +to telephone to our villa within the hour. + +He was as good as his word. + +He telephoned to say that the French gentleman, who had unexpectedly +returned from Bordeaux, had just submitted an offer of fourteen +thousand francs. He added that, unless we were prepared to offer a +higher rent, it would be his duty to accept that proposal. + +After a moment's thought, I told him to do his duty and bade him adieu. + + * * * * * + +That night was so beautiful that we had the cars open. + +As we approached the Casino-- + +"Let's just go up the Boulevard," said Daphne. "This is too lovely to +leave." + +I slowed up, waited for Jonah to come alongside, and then communicated +our intention to continue to take the air. + +The Boulevard being deserted, Ping and Pong proceeded slowly abreast.... + +A sunset which had hung the sky with rose, painted the mountain-tops +and turned the West into a blazing smeltery of dreams, had slowly +yielded to a night starlit, velvety, breathless, big with the gentle +witchcraft of an amber moon. Nature went masked. The depths upon our +left seemed bottomless; a grey flash spoke of the Gave de Pau: beyond, +the random rise and fall of a high ridge argued the summit of a +gigantic screen--the foothills to wit, odd twinkling points of yellow +light, seemingly pendent in the air, marking the farms and villas +planted about their flanks. And that is all. A row of poplars, +certainly, very correct, very slight, very elegant, by the way that we +take for Lourdes--the row of poplars should be recorded; the luminous +stars also, and a sweet white glow in the heaven, just where the ridge +of the foothills cuts it across--a trick of the moonlight, no doubt.... +Sirs, it is no such trick. That misty radiance is the driven snow +resting upon the peaks of the Pyrenees. The moon is shining full on +them, and, forty miles distant though they are, you see them rendering +her light, as will a looking-glass, and by that humble office clothing +themselves with unimaginable splendour. + +As we stole into the Place Royale-- + +"Every minute," announced Adele, "I'm more and more thankful that we're +quit of the Villa Buichi. We should have been simply mad to have taken +a house in the town." + +"There you are," said Berry. "My very words. Over and over again I +insisted----" + +"If you mean," said Jonah, "that throughout the argument you confined +yourself to destructive criticism, deliberate confusion of the issues, +and the recommendation of solutions which you knew to be impracticable, +I entirely agree." + +"The trouble with you," said Berry, "is that you don't appreciate the +value of controversy. I don't blame you. Considering the backlash in +your spinal cord, I think you talk very well. It's only when----" + +"What exactly," said Adele, bubbling, "is the value of controversy?" + +"Its unique ability," said Berry, "to produce the truth. The hotter +the furnace of argument, the harder the facts which eventually emerge. +That's why I never spare myself. I don't pretend it's easy, but then +I'm like that. Somebody offers you a drink. The easiest way is to +refuse. But I don't. I always ask myself whether my health demands +it." + +There was an outraged silence. + +Then-- + +"I have noticed," I observed, "that upon such occasions your brain +works very fast. Also that you invariably choose the--er--harder path." + +"Nothing is easier," said Berry, "than to deride infirmity." Having +compassed the Place Royale, we returned to the Boulevard. "And now, if +you've quite finished maundering over the beauties of a landscape which +you can't see, supposing we focussed on the object with which we set +out. I've thought out a new step, I want to show you. It's called +'The Slip Stitch.' Every third beat you stagger and cross your legs +above the knee. That shows you've been twice to the Crusades. Then +you purl two and cast four off. If you're still together, you get up +and repeat to the end of the row knitways, decreasing once at every +turn. Then you cast off very loosely." + +Happily the speaker was in the other car, so we broke away and fled up +the Rue du Lycee.... + +The dancing-room was crowded. Every English visitor seemed to be +there, but they were not all dancing, and the floor was just pleasantly +full. + +As we came in, I touched Adele on the arm. + +"Will you dance with me, lass?" + +I was not one moment too soon. + +As I spoke, two gallants arrived to lodge their claims. + +"I've accepted my husband," said Adele, smiling. + +She had to promise the next and the one after. + +Whilst we were dancing, she promised the fourth and the fifth. + +"I can see," said I, "that I'm in for my usual evening. Of course, +we're too highly civilised. I feed you, I lodge you, I clothe you"--I +held her off and looked at her--"yes, with outstanding success. You've +a glorious colour, your eyes are like stars, and your frock is a +marvel. In fact, you're almost too good to be true. From your +wonderful, sweet-smelling hair to the soles of your little pink feet, +you're an exquisite production. Whoever did see such a mouth? I +suppose you know I married you for your mouth? And your throat? +And--but I digress. As I was saying, all this is due to me. If I fed +you exclusively on farinaceous food, you'd look pale. If I locked you +out of nights, you'd look tired. If I didn't clothe you, you'd +look--well, you wouldn't be here, would you? I mean, I know we move +pretty fast nowadays, but certain conventions are still observed. Very +well, then. I am responsible for your glory. I bring you here, and +everybody in the room dances with you, except myself. To complete the +comedy, I have only to remind you that I love dancing, and that you are +the best dancer in the room. I ask you." + +"That's just what you don't do," said Adele, with a maddening smile. +"If you did...." + +"But----" + +"Certain conventions," said Adele, "are still observed. Have I ever +refused you?" + +"You couldn't. That's why I don't ask you." + +"O-o-oh, I don't believe you," said Adele. "If it was Leap Year----" + +"Pretend it is." + +"--and I wanted to dance with you----" + +"Pretend you do." + +The music stopped with a crash, and a moment later a Frenchman was +bowing over my wife's hand. + +"May I come for a dance later?" he asked. + +"Not this evening. I've promised the next four----" + +"There will, I trust, be a fifth?" + +"--and, after that, I've given my husband the lot. You do understand, +don't you? You see, I must keep in with him. He feeds me and lodges +me and clothes me and----" + +The Frenchman bowed. + +"If he has clothed you to-night, Madame, I can forgive him anything." + +We passed to a table at which Berry was superintending the icing of +some champagne. + +"Ah, there you are!" he exclaimed. "Had your evening dance? Good. I +ordered this little hopeful _pour passer le temps_. They've two more +baubles in the offing, and sharp at one-thirty we start on fried eggs +and beer. Judging from the contracts into which my wife has entered +during the last six minutes, we shall be here till three." Here he +produced and prepared to inflate an air-cushion. "The great wheeze +about these shock-absorbers is not to----" + +There was a horrified cry from Daphne and a shriek of laughter from +Adele and Jill. + +"I implore you," said my sister, "to put that thing away." + +"What thing?" said her husband, applying the nozzle to his lips. + +"That cushion thing. How could you----" + +"What! Scrap my blow-me-tight?" said Berry. "Darling, you rave. +You're going to spend the next four hours afloat upon your beautiful +toes, with a large spade-shaped hand supporting the small of your back. +I'm not. I'm going to maintain a sitting posture, with one of the +'nests for rest' provided by a malignant Casino directly intervening +between the base of my trunk and the floor. Now, I know that +intervention. It's of the harsh, unyielding type. Hence this +air-pocket." + +With that, he stepped on to the floor, raised the air-cushion as if it +were an instrument of music, and, adopting the attitude and manners of +a cornet soloist, exhaled into the nozzle with all his might. + +There was a roar of laughter. + +Then, mercifully, the band started, and the embarrassing attention of +about sixty pairs of eyes was diverted accordingly. + +A moment later my brother-in-law and I had the table to ourselves. + +"And now," said Berry, "forward with that bauble. The Rump Parliament +is off." + +Perhaps, because it was a warm evening, the Casino's furnaces were in +full blast. After a while the heat became oppressive. Presently I +left Berry to the champagne and went for a stroll in the Palmarium. + +As I was completing my second lap-- + +"Captain Pleydell," said a dignified voice. + +I turned to see Mrs. Waterbrook, leaning upon a stick, accompanied by a +remarkably pretty young lady with her hair down her back. + +I came to them swiftly. + +"Have you met with an accident?" I inquired. + +"I have. I've ricked my ankle. Susan, this is Captain Pleydell, whose +cousin is going to marry Piers. Captain Pleydell, this is Susan--my +only niece. Now I'm going to sit down." I escorted her to a chair. +"That's better. Captain Pleydell, have you seen the Chateau?" + +"Often," said I. "A large grey building with a red keep, close to the +scent-shop." + +"One to you," said Mrs. Waterbrook. "Now I'll begin again. Captain +Pleydell, have you seen the inside of the Chateau?" + +"I have not." + +"Then you ought," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "to be ashamed of yourself. +You've been six months in Pau, and you've never taken the trouble to go +and look at one of the finest collections of tapestries in the world. +What are you doing to-morrow morning?" + +"Going to see the inside of the Chateau," I said. + +"Good. So's Susan. She'll meet you at the gate on the Boulevard at +half-past ten. She only arrived yesterday, and now her mother wants +her, and she's got to go back. She's wild to see the Chateau before +she goes, and I can't take her because of this silly foot." + +"I'm awfully sorry," said I. "But it's an ill wind, etc." + +"Susan," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "that's a compliment. Is it your first?" + +"No," said Susan. "But it's the slickest." + +"The what?" cried her aunt. + +"I mean, I didn't see it coming." + +I began to like Susan. + +"'Slickest,'" snorted Mrs. Waterbrook. "Nasty vulgar slang. If you +were going to be here longer, Captain Pleydell's wife should give you +lessons in English. She isn't a teacher, you know. She's an +American--with a silver tongue. And there's that wretched bell." She +rose to her feet. "If I'd remembered that Manon had more than three +acts, I wouldn't have come." She turned to me. "Is Jill here +to-night?" + +"She is." + +"Will you tell her to come and find us in the next interval?" + +"I will." + +"Good. Half-past ten to-morrow. Good night." + +On the way to the doors of the theatre she stopped to speak with +someone, and Susan came running back. + +"Captain Pleydell, is your wife here?" + +I nodded. + +"Well, then, when Jill's with Aunt Eleanor, d'you think I could--I +mean, if you wouldn't mind, I'd--I'd love a lesson in English." + +I began to like Susan more than ever. + +"I'll see if she's got a spare hour to-morrow," I said. "At half-past +ten." + +Susan knitted her brows. + +"No, don't upset that," she said quickly. "It doesn't matter. I want +to be able to tell them I had you alone. But if I could say I'd met +your wife, too, it'd be simply golden." + +As soon as I could speak-- + +"You wicked, forward child," I said. "You----" + +"Toodle-oo," said Susan. "Don't be late." + +Somewhat dazedly I turned in the direction of the _salle de danse_--so +dazedly, in fact, that I collided with a young Frenchman who was +watching the progress of _le jeu de boule_. This was hardly +exhilarating. Of the seven beings gathered about the table, six were +croupiers and the seventh was reading _Le Temps_. + +I collided roughly enough to knock a cigarette out of my victim's hand. + +"Toodle-oo--I mean _pardon, Monsieur. Je vous demande pardon._" + +"It's quite all right," he said, smiling. "I shouldn't have been +standing so far out." + +I drew a case from my pocket. + +"At least," I said, "you'll allow me to replace the cigarette"--he took +one with a laugh--"and to congratulate you upon your beautiful English." + +"Thank you very much. For all that, you knew I was French." + +"In another minute," said I, "I shall be uncertain. And I'm sure you'd +deceive a Frenchman every time." + +"I do frequently. It amuses me to death. Only the other day I had to +produce my passport to a merchant at Lyons before he'd believe I was a +foreigner." + +"A foreigner?" I cried, with bulging eyes. "Then you are English." + +"I'm a pure-bred Spaniard," was the reply. "I tell you, it's most +diverting. Talk about ringing the changes. I had a great time during +the War. I was a perfect mine of information. It wasn't strictly +accurate, but Germany didn't know that. As a double-dyed traitor, they +found me extremely useful. As a desirable neutral, I cut a great deal +of ice. And now I'm loafing. I used to take an interest in the +prevention of crime, but I've grown lazy." + +For a moment or two we stood talking. Then I asked him to come to our +table in the dancing-room. He declined gracefully. + +"I'm Spanish enough to dislike Jazz music," he said. + +We agreed to meet at the Club on the following day, and I rejoined +Berry to tell him what he had missed. + +I found the fifth dance in full swing and my brother-in-law in high +dudgeon. + +As I sat down, he exploded. + +"This blasted breath-bag is a fraud. If you blow it up tight, it's +like trying to sit on a barrel. If you fill it half full, you mustn't +move a muscle, or the imprisoned air keeps shifting all over the place +till one feels sick of one's stomach. In either case it's as hard as +petrified bog-oak. If you only leave an imperial pint in the vessel, +it all goes and gathers in one corner, thus conveying to one the +impression that one is sitting one's self upon a naked chair with a +tennis-ball in one's hip-pocket. If one puts the swine behind one, it +shoves one off the seat altogether. It was during the second phase +that one dropped or let fall one's cigar into one's champagne. One +hadn't thought that anything could have spoiled either, but one was +wrong." + +I did what I could to soothe him, but without avail. + +"I warn you," he continued, "there's worse to come. Misfortunes hunt +in threes. First we fool and are fooled over that rotten villa. Now +this balloon lets me down. You wait." + +I decided that to argue that the failure of the air-cushion could +hardly be reckoned a calamity would be almost as provocative as to +suggest that the immersion of the cigar should rank as the third +disaster, so I moistened the lips and illustrated an indictment of our +present system of education by a report of my encounter with Susan. + +Berry heard me in silence, and then desired me to try the chairs at the +Chateau, and, if they were favouring repose, to inquire whether the +place would be let furnished. Stifling an inclination to assault him, +I laughed pleasantly and related my meeting with the engaging Spaniard. +When I had finished-- + +"How much did you lend him?" inquired my brother-in-law. "Or is a pal +of his taking care of your watch?" + +The fox-trot came to an end, and I rose to my feet. + +"The average weight," I said, "of the spleen is, I believe, six ounces. +But spleens have been taken weighing twenty pounds." + +"Net or rod?" said Berry. + +"Now you see," I continued, "why you're so heavy on the chairs." + +With that, I sought my wife and led her away to watch the Baccarat.... + +Before we had been in the gaming room for twenty seconds, Adele caught +me by the arm. + +"D'you see that man over there, Boy? With a bangle on his wrist?" + +"And a shirt behind his diamond? I do." + +"That's one of the men I saw in the Villa Buichi." + +"The devil it is," said I. "Then I take it he's the new lessee. Well, +well. He'll go well with the ballroom, won't he?" + +It was a gross-looking fellow, well-groomed and oily. His fat hands +were manicured and he was overdressed. He gave the impression that +money was no longer an object. As if to corroborate this, he had been +winning heavily. I decided that he was a bookmaker. + +While I was staring, Adele moved to speak with a friend. + +"And who," said a quiet voice, "is attracting such faithful attention?" + +It was the Spaniard. + +"You see that fat cove?" I whispered. "He did us out of a house +to-day. Overbid us, you know." + +My companion smiled. + +"No worse than that?" he murmured. "You must count yourselves lucky." + +I raised my eyebrows. + +"You know him?" + +The other nodded. + +"Not personally, of course," he said. Then: "I think he's retired now." + +"What was he?" said I. + +"The biggest receiver in France." + + * * * * * + +Ere we retired to rest, my brother-in-law's prophecy that there was +'worse to come' was distressingly fulfilled. + +As the 'evening' advanced, it improved out of all knowledge. The later +the hour, the hotter became the fun. Berry's ill humour fell away. +Adele and I danced furiously together. Vain things were imagined and +found diverting. Hospitality was dispensed. The two spare 'baubles' +were reinforced.... + +Not until half-past two was the tambourine of gaiety suffered to tumble +in its tracks. + +We climbed into the cars flushed and hilarious.... + +Late though we were, whenever we had been dancing there was one member +of the household who always looked for our return and met us upon our +threshold. + +Nobby. + +However silently the cars stole up the drive, by the time the door was +opened, always the Sealyham was on parade, his small feet together, his +tail up, his rough little head upon one side, waiting to greet us with +an explosion of delight. In his bright eyes the rite was never stale, +never laborious. It was the way of his heart. + +Naturally enough, we came to look for his welcome. Had we looked in +vain some night, we should have been concerned.... + +We were concerned this night. + +We opened the door to find the hall empty. + +Nobby was not upon parade. + +Tired as we were, we searched the whole house. Presently I found a +note upon my pyjamas. + + +_SIR,_ + +_Must tell you we cannot find Nobby, the chauffeur and me looking +everywhere and Fitch as been out in Pau all evening in quest. Hoping +his whereabouts is perhaps known to you,_ + + _Yours respectfully, + J. FALCON._ + + +I was at the Villa Buichi the following morning by a quarter to ten. + +It seemed just possible that the terrier was there a captive. That he +was with us before we visited the house we well remembered. Whether he +had entered with us and, if so, left when we did, we could not be sure. +We had had much to think about.... + +The caretaker took an unconscionable time to answer the bell, and when +I had stated my business, stoutly refused to let me search the villa +without an order. My offer of money was offensively refused. I had to +content myself with standing within the hall and whistling as loud as I +could. No bark replied, but I was not satisfied, and determined to +seek the agent and obtain a permit, the moment that Susan and I had +'done' the Chateau. + +It was in some irritation that I made my way to the Boulevard. I had +no desire to see the inside of the Chateau then or at any time; I +particularly wished to prosecute my search for the Sealyham without +delay. I had had less than four hours' sleep, and was feeling rotten. + +In a smart white coat and skirt and a white felt hat over one eye, +Susan looked most attractive. Her fresh, pretty face was glowing, her +wonderful golden hair was full of lights, and the line of her slim +figure, as--hands thrust deep into her coat-pockets--she leaned her +small back against the balustrade, was more than dainty. Her little +feet and ankles were those of a thoroughbred. + +As I descended from the car-- + +"I say," said Susan, "I've got a stone in my shoe. Where can I get it +out?" + +I eyed her severely. + +"You will have a lot to tell them," I said, "won't you? Go on. Get +into the car." + +She climbed in, sat down and leaned back luxuriously. Then she thrust +out a foot with the air of a queen.... + +When I had replaced her shoe, she thanked me with a shy smile. Then-- + +"I say," she said suddenly, "don't let's go to the Chateau. I don't +want to see the rotten place. Let's go for a drive instead--somewhere +where you can let her out. And on the way back you can take me to get +some gloves." + +"Susan," said I, "there's nothing doing. I know a drive in a +high-powered car sounds a good deal more _chic_ than being shown round +a Chateau, but you can't have everything. Orders is orders. Besides, +I've lost my dog, and I want to get a move on. But for that, you +should have done the Chateau and had your drive into the bargain. As +it is...." + +Susan is a good girl. + +The moment she heard of my trouble, she was out of the car and haling +me up to the Chateau as if there was a mob at our heels.... + +I was not in the mood for sightseeing, but my annoyance went down +before the tapestries as wheat before the storm. + +Standing before those aged exquisites--those glorious embodiments of +patience infinite, imagination high, and matchless craftsmanship, I +forgot everything. The style of them was superb. They had quality. +About them was nothing mean. They were so rich, so mellow, so +delicate. There was a softness to the lovely tones no brush could ever +compass. Miracles of detail, marvels of stately effect, the panels +were breathing the spirit of their age. Looking upon them, I stepped +into another world. I heard the shouts of the huntsmen and the +laughter of the handmaidens, I smelled the sweat of the chargers and +the sweet scent of the grapes, I felt the cool touch of the shade upon +my cheeks. Always the shouts were distant, the scent faint, the +laughter low. I wandered up faery glades, loitered in lazy markets, +listened to the music of fountains, sat before ample boards, bowed over +lily-white hands.... + +Here, then, was magic. Things other than silk went to the weaving of +so potent a spell. The laborious needle put in the dainty threads: the +hearts of those that plied it put in most precious memories--treasures +of love and laughter ... the swift brush of lips ... the echo of a call +in the forest ... a patch of sunlight upon the slope of a hill ... such +stuff, indeed, as dreams are made on.... + +And there is the bare truth, gentlemen, just as I have stumbled upon +it. The tapestries of Pau are dreams--which you may go and share any +day except Sundays. + +We had almost finished our tour of the apartments, and were standing in +the Bedroom of Jeanne d'Albret, staring at a beautiful Gobelin, when I +heard the "flop" of something alighting upon the floor. + +With one consent, the keeper, Susan, and I swung on our heels. + +Advancing stiffly towards us and wagging his scrap of a tail was a +small grey-brown dog. His coat was plastered with filth, upon one of +his ears was a blotch of dried blood, his muzzle and paws might have +been steeped in liquid soot. He stank abominably. + +I put up a hand to my head. + +"Nobby?" I cried, peering. And then again, "_Nobby?_" + +The urchin crept to my feet, put his small dirty head on one side, +lowered it to the ground, and then rolled over upon his back. With his +legs in the air, he regarded me fixedly, tentatively wagging his tail. + +Dazedly I stooped and patted the mud upon his stomach.... + +The bright eyes flashed. Then, with a squirm, the Sealyham was on his +feet and leaping to lick my face. + +"B-b-but," shrieked Susan, shaking me by the arm, "is this the--the dog +you'd lost?" + +"Yes," I shouted, "it is!" + +Not until then did the custodian of the apartments find his tongue. + +"It is your dog, then!" he raved. "He has marched with us all the +time, and I have not seen him. Without an attachment in all these +noble rooms! _Mon Dieu!_ dogs may not enter even the grounds, but he +must junket in the Chateau, all vile as he is and smelling like twenty +goats." + +"Listen," said I. "It's my dog all right, but I never brought him. +I've been looking all over Pau. What on earth----" + +"But you must have brought him. It is evident. Myself I have shut all +the doors. No one has the keys except me. It is impossible." + +I pointed to the carved bedstead. + +"See for yourself," said I. "He's just jumped down." + +The keeper ran to the bed and peered behind the gorgeous parapet. Then +he let out a scream of agony. + +"Ah, it is true. Ten thousand devils! That so beastly a dog should +have soiled Jeanne d'Albret's bed! Observe the nest he has made in her +counterpane. _Mon Dieu!_ it is scandalous. _Monsieur_, you will +answer for this." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," said I. "But, unless you keep your +mouth shut, you will. You shouldn't have let him get in." + +I thought the fellow would have choked. + +"But it was not I that---- A-a-ah!" he screamed. "See how he +approaches the Queen's screen, to destroy it as he has destroyed her +bed." + +"Nonsense," I said shortly. "He's very struck with the furniture. +That's all. Anybody would be. But how the deuce...." + +With tears in his eyes the keeper besought me to remove my dog +forthwith. + +In the circumstances, it seemed best to comply, so, wishing very much +that Nobby could speak for himself, I tied my handkerchief to his +collar and, with Susan chattering excitedly and clinging to my arm, +followed our gibbering guide to the foot of the great staircase. + +"He must have followed him in," cried Susan. "He simply must. I +looked at the chimney, but it's stopped up, and the man says there's no +other door. And you know he unlocked each one as we came to it this +morning." + +"But why's he so filthy?" I said. "And how did he fetch up here? +Let's see. He must have come with us as far as Bouzom's. That's only +five minutes from here. Then we forgot all about him and left him +outside. We were there for ages. I suppose he got fed up with waiting +or found a pal or something, and drifted down here. All the same...." +I turned to the custodian and took out a fifty-franc note. "He doesn't +usually pay so much for a room, but, as this isn't a hotel and he had +Jeanne d'Albret's bed...." + +The money passed in silence. + +I fancy the keeper dared not trust himself to speak. + +After all, I was very thankful that Nobby was found. + +As we passed out of the gate, a sudden thought came to me, and I turned +back. + +"I say," I cried, "when last did you visit that room?" + +"The Queen's room, _Monsieur_?" + +I nodded. + +"Yesterday morning, Monsieur. At nine o'clock." + +You could have knocked me down. + +I walked towards the car like a man in a dream. + +The business smacked of a conjuring trick. + +Having lost the terrier in the town, I had been sent to view the +Chateau against my will, there to discover my missing chattel in a +locked chamber upon the second floor. + +To add to the confusion of my wits, Susan was talking furiously. + +"...I've read of such things. You know. In case of a revolution, for +the king to escape. They say there's one at Buckingham Palace." + +"One what?" said I abstractedly. + +"Underground passage," said Susan. "Leading out into the open. The +one from Buckingham Palace goes into a house, I suppose it was country +once, and then the ground was built over, or, of course, it might +always have led into the house, and they just had loyal people living +there or someone from the Court, so that----" + +"Heaven and earth!" I roared. "The Villa Buichi." + +Susan recoiled with a cry. + +I caught her white arm. + +"Susan," I yelled, "you've got it in one! The last time we saw him was +there. It's a house we saw yesterday. We thought of taking it, but, +as soon as he saw us coming, another chap got in quick." + +"What a shame!" said Susan. "If only you'd had it, you'd 've been able +to go and look at the tapestries whenever you---- Oh, whatever's the +matter?" + +I suppose my eyes were blazing. I know my brain was. + +The murder was out. + +"I must see my friend, the Spaniard," I said. "He's made a mistake. +_The biggest receiver in France has not retired_." + +Susan stared at me with big eyes. + +With a smile, I flung open its door and waved her into the car.... + +I followed her in. + +Then I put my arm round her waist and kissed her pink cheek. + +"Now," said I, "you _will_ have something to tell them." + +Susan gurgled delightedly. + + * * * * * + +The French are nothing if not artistic. They are also good showmen. + +It was largely due to the interest of Senor Don Fedriani that, five +days later, I had the privilege of sitting for fifty minutes upon an +extremely uncomfortable chair in the Oratory of Jeanne d'Albret, and +listening at intervals, by means of a delicate instrument, to the +biggest receiver in France and his confederates stumbling still more +uncomfortably along a dank and noisome passage towards penal servitude +for life. + +Had he known that the Villa Buichi was surrounded, that the caretaker +was already in custody, that a file of soldiers was following a quarter +of a mile in his rear, and that the van which was to take him to prison +was waiting in the Chateau's courtyard, my gentleman, who had 'lived +soft,' could not have been more outspoken about the condition of his +path. + +Not until he had quite finished and had inquired in a blasphemous +whisper if all were present, was the strip of magnesium ignited and the +photograph made.... + +I have a copy before me. + +The knaves are not looking their best, but the grouping is superb. + +_The Toilet of Venus_ makes a most exquisite background. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +HOW BERRY PUT OFF HIS MANHOOD, AND ADELE SHOWED A FAIR PAIR OF HEELS + +But for Susan, I should not have seen the Chateau, and, but for the +merest accident, we should not have revisited Gavarnie. And that would +have been a great shame. + +It was the day before we were spared this lasting reproach that my +brother-in-law stood stiffly before a pier-glass in his wife's +bed-chamber. Deliberately Berry surveyed himself. + +We stood about him with twitching lips, not daring to trust our tones. + +At length-- + +"But what a dream!" said my brother-in-law. "What an exquisite, +pluperfect dream!" Jill shut her eyes and began to shake with +laughter. "I suppose it was made to be worn, or d'you think someone +did it for a bet? 'A Gentleman of the Court of Louis XIV.' Well, I +suppose a French firm ought to know. Only, if they're right, I don't +wonder there was a revolution. No self-respecting nation could hold up +its head with a lot of wasters shuffling about Versailles with the +seats of their breeches beginning under their hocks. That one sleeve +is three inches shorter than the other and that the coat would +comfortably fit a Boy Scout, I pass over. Those features might be +attributed to the dictates of fashion. But I find it hard to believe +that even in that fantastic age a waistcoat like a loose cover ever +really obtained." + +Adele sank into a chair and covered her eyes. + +With an effort I mastered my voice. + +"I think, perhaps," I ventured, "if you wore them for an hour or two, +they might--might shake down. You see," I continued hurriedly, "you're +not accustomed----" + +"Brother," said Berry gravely, "you've got it in one. I'm not +accustomed to wearing garments such as these. I confess I feel strange +in them. Most people who are not deformed would. If I hadn't got any +thighs, if my stomach measurement was four times that of my chest, and +I'd only one arm, they'd be just about right. As it is, short of +mutilation----" + +"Can't you brace up the breeches a little higher?" said Daphne. + +"No, I can't," snapped her husband. "As it is, my feet are nearly off +the ground." + +Seated upon the bed, Jonah rolled over upon his side and gave himself +up to a convulsion of silent mirth. + +"The sleeves and the waistcoat," continued my sister, "are nothing. +Adele and I can easily alter them. What worries me is the breeches." + +"They'd worry you a damned sight more if you had 'em on," said Berry. +"And if you think I'm going to wear this little song-without-words, +even as amended by you and Adele, you're simply unplaced. To say I +wouldn't be seen dead in it conveys nothing at all." + +"My dear boy," purred Daphne, "be reasonable. It's far too late to get +hold of anything else: it's the ball of the season, and fancy dress is +_de rigueur_. I'm sure if you would only brace up----" + +With an unearthly shriek, Berry collapsed in my arms. + +"Take her away!" he roared. "Take her away before I offer her +violence. Explain my anatomy. Tell her I've got a trunk. Conceal +nothing. Only...." + +Amid the explosion of pent-up laughter, the rest of the sentence was +lost. + +As soon as we could speak coherently, we endeavoured to smooth him down. + +At length-- + +"It's transparently plain," said Jonah, "that that dress is out of the +question." Here he took out his watch. "Let's see. It's now three +o'clock. That gives us just seven hours to conceive and execute some +other confection. It shouldn't be difficult." + +"Now you're talking," said Berry. "I know. I'll go as a mahout. Now, +that's easy. Six feet of butter muslin, four pennyworth of woad, and a +harpoon. And we can lock the elephant's switch and park him in the +rhododendrons." + +"Why," said Jonah, "shouldn't you go as Mr. Sycamore Tight? You're not +unlike him, and the excitement would be intense." + +After a little discussion we turned the suggestion down. + +For all that, it was not without merit. + +Mr. Sycamore Tight was wanted--wanted badly. There was a price upon +his head. Two days after he had landed in France, a large American +bank had discovered good reason to believe that Mr. Tight had +personally depleted its funds to the tune of over a million. + +Daily, for the last four days, the gentleman's photograph had appeared +in every French paper, illustrating a succinct and compelling +advertisement, which included a short summary of his characteristics +and announced the offer of a reward of fifty thousand francs for such +information as should lead to his arrest. + +The French know the value of money. + +If the interest excited at Pau was any criterion, every French soul in +France went about his business with bulging eyes. Indeed, if Mr. +Sycamore Tight were yet in the country, there was little doubt in most +minds that his days were numbered. + +"No," said Berry. "It's very nice to think that I look so much like +the brute, but I doubt if a check suit quite so startling as that he +seems to have affected could be procured in time. Shall I go as +Marat--on his way to the bath-room? With a night-shirt, a flannel, and +a leer, I should be practically there. Oh, and a box of matches to +light the geyser with." + +"I suppose," said Daphne, "you wouldn't go as a clown? Adele and I +could do that easily. The dress is nothing." + +"Is it, indeed?" said her husband. "Well, that would be simplicity +itself, wouldn't it? A trifle classical, perhaps, but most arresting. +What a scene there'd be when I took off my overcoat. 'Melancholy' +would be almost as artless. I could wear a worried look, and there you +are." + +"Could he go as a friar?" said Jill. "You know. Like a monk, only not +so gloomy. We ought to be able to get a robe easily. And, if we +couldn't get sandals, he could go barefoot." + +"That's right," said Berry. "Don't mind me. You just fix everything +up, and tell me in time to change. Oh, and you might write down a few +crisp blessings. I shall get tired of saying '_Pax vobiscum_' when +anyone kicks my feet." + +"I tell you what," said Adele. "Would you go as 'a flapper'?" + +"A what?" said my brother-in-law. + +"'A twentieth-century miss,'" said Adele. "'The golf girl,' if you +like. Daphne and I can fit you out, and you can wear your own shoes. +As for a wig--any _coiffeur_'ll do. A nice fluffy bobbed one would be +best--the same shade as your moustache." + +Instinctively none of us spoke. + +The idea was so admirable--the result would be so triumphant, that we +hardly dared to breathe lest Berry should stamp upon our hopes. + +For one full slow-treading minute he fingered his chin.... + +Then he wrinkled his nose. + +"Not 'The Golf Girl,'" he said. "That's much too pert. I couldn't +deliver the goods. No. I must go as something more luscious. What +about 'The Queen of the May'?" + + * * * * * + +At twenty-five minutes to ten that evening I was writing a note, and +wondering, while I did so, whether the original 'Incroyables' ever sat +down. + +I had just decided that, rather than continually risk dislocation of +the knee, they probably either reclined or leaned against pillars when +fatigued, when something impelled me to glance over my shoulder. + +Framed in the doorway was standing Berry. + +A frock of pale pink georgette, with long bell-shaped sleeves and a +black velvet girdle knotted at one side, fitted him seemingly like a +glove. A large Leghorn hat, its black velvet streamers fastened +beneath his chin, heavily weighted with a full-blown rose over one eye, +threatened to hide his rebellious mop of hair. White silk stockings +and a pair of ordinary pumps completed his attire. A miniature apron, +bearing the stencilled legend 'AN ENGLISH ROSE' upon its muslin, left +no doubt about his identity. + +Beneath my gaze he looked down and simpered, swinging his bead bag +ridiculously. + +I leaned back in my chair and began to laugh like a madman. Then I +remembered my knee-caps, and got up and leaned against the wall, whence +I could see him better. + +As if his appearance alone were not enough, he spoke in an absurd +falsetto. + +"No, I'm not supposed to be out till after Easter. But don't let that +stop you. I mean--you know I do say such dreadful things, and all the +time.... Father always calls me a tom-cat--I mean, tom-boy, but I +don't care. Haven't you any sisters? What not even a 'step'? Oh, but +what luck--I mean, I think we'll sit this one out, shall I? I know a +lovely place--in the inspection pit. I often go and sit there when I +want to have a good fruity drink--I mean, think. I always think it's +so wonderful to look up and see the gear-box, and the differential, and +the dear old engine-shield and feel you're alone with them +all--absolutely alone...." + +The tempestuous arrival of Adele, looking sweet as "Pierrette," and +Jonah in the traditional garb of "Harlequin," cut short the soliloquy... + +It was ere the two had recovered from their first paroxysm of laughter +that Berry minced to the fireplace and, with the coyest of pecks, rang +the electric bell. + +A moment later Falcon entered the room. + +My brother-in-law laughed and looked down, fingering his dress. + +"Oh, Falcon," he said archly, "about to-morrow. I don't know whether +Mrs. Pleydell's told you, but there'll be four extra to lunch." + +I have seen Falcon's eyes twinkle, and I have seen his mouth +work--times without number. I have seen him thrust a decanter upon the +sideboard and disappear shaking from the apartment. But never before +have I seen his self-control crumple as a ripped balloon. + +For a second he stared at the speaker. + +Then he flung us one desperate, appealing glance, emitted a short wail, +and, looking exactly as if he was about to burst into tears, clapped +both hands to his mouth and made a rush for the door. + +As he reached it, a little Dutch Jill danced into the room, looking +adorable. + +Use holds. + +Falcon straightened his back, stepped to one side, and bowed his +apologies. The temporary check, however, was his undoing. As Jill +flashed by, he turned his face to the wall and sobbed like a child.... + +When Daphne made her appearance, amazingly beautiful as 'Jehane +Saint-Pol,' we climbed into the cars and slipped down the sober drive +into the fragrant dalliance of an April night. + + * * * * * + +The ball was over. + +It would have been a success any way, but from the moment that Berry +had, upon arrival, been directed to the ladies' cloak-room, its +enduring fame had been assured. + +When, with my wife and sister, reluctant and protesting, upon either +arm, he erupted into the ballroom, giggling excitedly and crying "Votes +for Women!" in a shrill treble, even the band broke down, so that the +music died an untimely and tuneless death. When he danced a Tango with +me, wearing throughout an exalted expression of ineffable bliss and +introducing a bewildering variety of unexpected halts, crouchings and +saggings of the knees--when, in the midst of an interval, he came +flying to Daphne, calling her "Mother," insisting that he had been +insulted, demanding to be taken home forthwith, and finally burying his +face in her shoulder and bursting into tears--when, during supper, with +a becoming diffidence, he took his stand upon a chair and said a few +words about his nursing experiences in Mesopotamia and spoke with +emotion of the happy hours he had spent as a Sergeant-Minor of the +Women Police--then it became manifest that my brother-in-law's +construction of the laws of hospitality had set up such a new record of +generosity as few, if any, of those present would ever see broken. + +"... Oh, and the flies, you know. The way they flew. Oh, it was +dreadful. And, of course, no lipstick would stick. My dears, I was +simply terrified to look in the biscuit box. And then we had to wash +in bits--so embarrassing. Talk about divisional reserve.... And they +were so strict with it all. Only ten little minutes late on parade, +and you got it where auntie wore the gew-gaws. I lost my temper once. +To be sworn at like a golf-sphere, just because one day I couldn't find +my _Poudre d'Amour_.... And, when he'd quite finished, the Colonel +asked me what powder was for. I just looked round and gave him some of +his own back. 'To dam your pores with,' I said...." + +It was past three o'clock before our departure was sped. + +Comfortably weary, we reached our own villa's door to make the grisly +discovery that no one had remembered the key.... + +There was no knocker: a feeble electric bell signalled out distress to +a deserted basement: the servants were asleep upon the second floor. + +After we had all reviled Berry and, in return, been denounced as 'a +gang of mut-jawed smoke-stacks,' accused of 'blasphemy' and compared to +'jackals and vultures about a weary bull,' we began to shout and throw +stones at the second-floor windows. Perhaps because their shutters +were closed, our labour was lost. + +To complete our disgust, for some mysterious reason Nobby refused to +bark and so sound the alarm. In the ordinary way the Sealyham was used +to give tongue--whatever the hour and no matter what indignation he +might excite--upon the slightest provocation. This morning we +perambulated the curtilage of the villa, alternately yelling like +demoniacs and mewing like cats, without the slightest result. + +Eventually it was decided that one of us must effect an entrance by +climbing on to the balcony of my sister's room.... + +Jonah had a game leg: the inflexibility of my pantaloons put any +acrobatics out of the question: Berry's action, at any rate, was more +than usually unrestricted. Moreover, it was Berry whom we had expected +to produce the key. + +It became necessary to elaborate these simple facts, and to indicate +most definitely the moral which they were pointing, before my +brother-in-law was able to grasp the one or to appreciate the other. +And when it had been, as they say, borne in upon him that he was for +the high jump, another ten minutes were wasted while he made one final, +frantic, solitary endeavour to attract the servants' attention. His +feminine personality discarded, he raved about the house, barking, +screeching and braying to beat the band; he thundered upon the door +with his fists; he flung much of the drive in the direction of the +second floor. Finally, when we were weak with laughter, he sat down +upon the steps, expressed his great satisfaction at the reception of +his efforts to amuse, and assured us that his death-agony, which we +should shortly witness, would be still more diverting. + +By now it was a quarter to four, and, so soon as Jonah and I could +control our emotion, we took our deliverer by the arms and showed him +'the best way up.' + +He listened attentively. + +At length-- + +"Thanks very much," he said weakly. "Let's just go over it again, +shall I? Just to be sure I've got it cold. First, I swarm up that +pillar. Good. I may say I never have swarmed. I never knew anybody +did swarm, except bees or people coming out of a football match. Never +mind. Then I get hold of the gutter and draw myself up with my hands, +while continuing to swarm with my legs. If--if the gutter will stand +my weight.... Of course, that's easily ascertained. I just try it. +If it will, it does. If it won't, I should like a penny-in-the-slot +machine erected in my memory outside the English Club. Yes, I've got +that. Well, if it will, I work--I think you said 'work'--round until I +can reach the down-pipe. The drain--down-pipe will enable me to get my +feet into the gutter. Sounds all right, doesn't it? 'The drain-pipe +will enable.' A cryptic phrase. Quite the Brigade-Office touch. +Where were we? Oh, yes. The drain-pipe having enabled me, etc., I +just fall forward on to the tiles, when my hands will encounter and +grasp the balustrade. Then I climb over and pat Nobby. Yes, except +for the cesspool--I mean the drain-pipe--interlude, it's too easy." + +We helped him off with his coat.... + +We watched his reduction of the pillar with trembling lips; we heard +his commentary upon gutters and those who make them with shaking +shoulders; but it was when, with one foot in the air and the other +wedged behind the down-pipe, the English Rose spoke of the uncertainty +of life and inquired if we believed in Hell--when, after an exhausting +and finally successful effort to get his left knee into the gutter, he +first knelt upon a spare tile to his wounding and then found that his +right foot was inextricably wedged between the down-pipe and the +wall--when, as a result of his struggles, a section of the down-pipe +came away in his hand, so that he was left clinging to the gutter with +one foot in the air and twelve feet of piping swaying in his arms--then +our control gave way and we let ourselves run before a tempest of +Homeric laughter. We clasped one another; we leaned against walls; we +stamped upon the ground; we fought for breath; tears streamed from our +eyes. All the time, in a loud militant voice, Berry spoke of building +and architects and mountain goats, of France and of the French, of +incitement to suicide, of inquests and the law, of skunks and leprosy, +and finally of his descent.... + +When we told him tearfully to drop, he let out the laugh of a maniac. + +"Yes," he said uncertainly. "To tell you hell-hounds the truth, that +solution had already occurred to me. It's been occurring to me vividly +ever since I began. But I'm against it. It isn't that I'm afraid, but +I want something more difficult. Oh, and don't say, 'Work round the +gutter,' first, because it's bad English, and, secondly, because no man +born of woman could 'work round' this razor-edged conduit with a +hundredweight of drain-pipe round his neck. What I want is a definite +instruction which is neither murderous nor futile. Burn it, you handed +me enough slush when I was rising. Why the hell can't you slobber out +something to help me down?" + +By the time his descent was accomplished, it was past four +o'clock--summer time--and there was a pale cast about the sweet +moonlight that told of the coming of another dawn. + +"I say," said Jill suddenly, "don't let's go to bed." + +"No, don't let's," said Berry, with a hysterical laugh. "Let's--let's +absolutely refuse." + +Jill went on breathlessly-- + +"Let's go for a run towards Lourdes and see the sun rise over the +mountains." + +Our first impulse was to denounce the idea. Upon examination, however, +its hidden value emerged. + +We were sick and tired of trying to wake the servants; to effect an +entrance was seemingly out of the question; to spend another two hours +wandering about the garden or wooing slumber in the cars was not at all +to our liking. + +Finally, we decided that, since we should be back before the world +proper was astir, our appearance, if it was noticed at all, would but +afford a few peasants an experience which they could relate with relish +for many years, and that, since the sky was cloudless, so convenient an +occasion of observing a very famous effect should not be rejected. + +Five minutes later Ping and Pong slid silently under the Pont Oscar II. +and so down a winding hill, out of the sleeping town and on to the +Bizanos road. + +Our headlights were powerful, the road was not too bad, and the world +was empty... + +I let Jonah, who was leading, get well away, and then gave the car her +head. + +Well as we knew it, our way seemed unfamiliar. + +We saw the countryside as through a glass darkly. A shadowy file of +poplars, a grey promise of meadowland, a sable thicket, far in the +distance a great blurred mass rearing a sombre head, a chain of silent +villages seemingly twined about our road, and once in a long while the +broad, brave flash of laughing water--these and their ghostly like made +up our changing neighbourhood. Then came a link in the chain that even +Wizard Night could not transfigure--sweet, storied Coarraze, fencing +our way with its peculiar pride of church and state; three miles ahead, +hoary Betharram, defender of the faith, lent us its famous bridge--at +the toll of a break-neck turn, of which no manner of moonshine can +cheat the memory. + +We were nearing Lourdes now, but there was no sign of Jonah. I began +to wonder whether my cousin was faring farther afield.... + +It was so. + +Lourdes is a gate-house of the Pyrenees; it was clear that my sister +and cousins had threaded its echoing porch. Their way was good enough +for us. We swung to the right, dived into and out of the sleeping +town, and flung up the pale, thin road that heads for Spain.... + +It was when we had slipped through Argeles, and Jonah was still before +us, that we knew that if we would catch him we must climb to Gavarnie. + +The daylight was waxing now, and when we came to Pierrefitte I switched +off the lights. + +There is a gorge in the mountains some seven miles long. It is, I +think, Nature's boudoir. Its tall, steep walls are hung with +foliage--a trembling, precious arras, which spring will so emblazon +with her spruce heraldry that every blowing rod breathes a refreshing +madrigal. Its floor is a busy torrent--fretting its everlasting way by +wet, grey rocks, the vivid green of ferns, and now and again a little +patch of greensward--a tender lawn for baby elves to play on. Here is +a green shelf, ladies, stuck all with cowslips; and there, +another--radiant with peering daffodils. In this recess sweet violets +grow. Look at that royal gallery; it is fraught with crocuses--laden +with purple and gold. Gentians and buttercups, too, have their own +nurseries. But one thing more--this gorge is full of fountains. They +are its especial glory. All the beauty in the world of falling water +is here exhibited. Tremendous falls go thundering: long, slender +tresses of water plunge from a dizzy height, lose by the way their +symmetry, presently vanish into sparkling smoke; cascades, with a +delicate flourish, leap from ledge to ledge; stout heads of crystal +well bubbling out of Earth; elegant springs flash musically into their +brimming basins of the living rock. The mistress of this shining court +is very beautiful. A bank is overhanging a little bow-shaped dell, as +the eaves of an old house lean out to shelter half a pavement. As +eaves, too, are thatched, so the brown bank is clad with emerald moss. +From the edge of the moss dangles a silver fringe. Each gleaming, +twisted cord of it hangs separate and distinct, save when a breath of +wind plaits two or three into a transient tassel. The fringe is the +waterfall. + +Enchanted with such a fairyland, we lingered so long over our passage +that we only reached Gavarnie with a handful of moments to spare. + +As we had expected, here were the others, a little apart from the car, +their eyes lifted to the ethereal terraces of the majestic Cirque. + +The East was afire with splendour. All the blue dome of sky was +blushing. Only the Earth was dull. + +Suddenly the topmost turret of the frozen battlements burst into rosy +flame.... + +One by tremendous one we saw the high places of the world suffer their +King's salute. Little wonder that, witnessing so sublime a ceremony, +we forgot all Time.... + +The sudden clack of shutters flung back against a wall brought us to +earth with a jar. + +We turned in the direction of the noise. + +From the window of a cottage some seventy paces away a woman was +regarding us steadily.... + +We re-entered the cars with more precipitation than dignity. + +A glance at the clock in the dashboard made my heart sink. + +A quarter past six--summer time. + +It was clear that Gavarnie was lazy. Argeles, Lourdes, and the rest +must be already bustling. Long ere we could reach Pau, the business of +town and country would be in full swing.... + +The same reflection, I imagine, had bitten Jonah, for, as I let in the +clutch, Ping swept past us and whipped into the village with a low +snarl. + +Fast as we went, we never saw him again that memorable morning. Jonah +must have gone like the wind. + +As for us, we wasted no time. + +We leapt through the village, dropped down the curling pass, snarled +through Saint-Sauveur, left Luz staring, and sailed into Argeles as it +was striking seven. + +From Argeles to Lourdes is over eight miles. It was when we had +covered exactly four of these in six minutes that the engine stuttered, +sighed, and then just fainted away. + +We had run out of petrol. + +This was annoying, but not a serious matter, for there was a can on the +step. The two gallons it was containing would easily bring us to Pau. + +What was much more annoying and of considerable moment was that the +can, when examined, proved to be dry as a bone. + +After a moment's consideration of the unsavoury prospect, so suddenly +unveiled, I straightened my back, pushed my ridiculous hat to the nape +of my neck, and took out a cigarette-case. + +Adele and Berry stared. + +"That's right," said the latter bitterly. "Take your blinking time. +Why don't you sit down on the bank and put your feet up?" + +I felt for a match. + +Finger to lip, Adele leaned forward. + +"For Heaven's sake," she cried, "don't say there's none in the can!" + +"My darling," said I, "you've spoken the naked truth." + +There was a long silence. The gush of a neighbouring spring was +suggesting a simple peace we could not share. + +Suddenly-- + +"Help!" shrieked the English Rose. "Help! I'm being compromised." + +So soon as we could induce him to hold his tongue, a council was held. + +Presently it was decided that I must return to Argeles, if possible, +procure a car, and bring some petrol back as fast as I could. Already +the day was growing extremely hot, and, unless I encountered a driver +who would give me a lift, it seemed unlikely that I should be back +within an hour and a half. + +We had, of course, no hope of salvation. Help that arrived now would +be too late. Lourdes would be teeming. The trivial round of Pau would +be in full blast. The possible passage of another car would spare +us--me particularly--some ignominy, but that was all. + +It was arranged that, should a car appear after I had passed out of +sight, the driver should be accosted, haply deprived of petrol, and +certainly dispatched in my pursuit. + +Finally we closed Pong, and, feeling extremely self-conscious and +unpleasantly hot, I buttoned my overcoat about me and set out for +Argeles. + +The memory of that walk will stay with me till I die. + +If, a few hours before, I had been satisfied that 'Incroyables' seldom +sat down, I was soon in possession of most convincing evidence that, +come what might, they never did more than stroll. The pantaloons, +indeed, curtailed every pace I took. It also became painfully obvious +that their 'foot-joy' was intended for use only upon tiled pavements or +parquet, and since the surface of the road to Argeles was bearing a +closer resemblance to the bed of a torrent, I suffered accordingly. +What service their headgear in any conceivable circumstances could have +rendered, I cannot pretend to say. As a protection from the rays of +the sun, it was singularly futile.... + +Had I been wearing flannels, I should have been sweltering in a quarter +of an hour. Dressed as I was, I was streaming with honest sweat in +less than five minutes.... Before I had covered half a mile I tore off +my overcoat and flung it behind a wall. + +My reception at the first hamlet I reached was hardly promising. + +The honour of appreciating my presence before anyone else fell to a +pair of bullocks attached to a wain piled high with wood and proceeding +slowly in the direction of Lourdes. + +Had they perceived an apparition shaking a bloody goad, they could not +have acted with more concerted or devastating rapidity. + +In the twinkling of an eye they had made a complete _volte-face_, the +waggon was lying on its side across the fairway, and its burden of logs +had been distributed with a dull crash upon about a square perch of +cobbles. + +Had I announced my coming by tuck of drum, I could not have attracted +more instant and faithful attention. + +Before the explosion of agony with which the driver--till then walking, +as usual, some thirty paces in rear--had greeted the catastrophe, had +turned into a roaring torrent of abuse, every man, woman, and child +within earshot came clattering upon the scene. + +For a moment, standing to one side beneath the shelter of a flight of +steps, I escaped notice. It was at least appropriate that the luckless +waggoner should have been the first to perceive me.... + +At the actual moment of observation he was at once indicating the +disposition of his wood with a gesture charged with the savage despair +of a barbaric age and letting out a screech which threatened to curdle +the blood. + +The gesture collapsed. The screech died on his lips. + +With dropped jaw and bulging eyes, the fellow backed to the wall.... +When I stepped forward, he put the waggon between us. + +I never remember so poignant a silence. + +Beneath the merciless scrutiny of those forty pairs of eyes I seemed to +touch the very bottom of abashment. + +Then I lifted my ridiculous hat and cleared my throat. + +"Good day," I said cheerfully, speaking in French. "I'm on my way back +from a ball--a fancy-dress ball--and my car has run out of petrol. I +want to hire a cart to go to Argeles." + +If I had said I wanted to hire a steam-yacht, my simple statement could +not have been more apathetically received.... + +Happily, for some unobvious reason, no one seemed to associate me with +the bullocks' waywardness, but it took me ten minutes' cajolery to +elicit the address of a peasant who might hire me a cart. + +At last I was told his lodging and pointed the way. + +Such direction proved supererogatory, first, because we all moved off +together, and, secondly, because it subsequently transpired that the +gentleman whom I was seeking was already present. But that is France. + +Upon arrival at his house my friend stepped out of the ruck and, with +the utmost composure, asked if it was true that I was desiring to be +driven to Argeles. Controlling my indignation, I replied with equal +gravity that such was my urgent ambition. Taking a wrist-watch from my +pocket, I added that upon reaching a garage at Argeles, I would deduct +the time we had taken from half an hour and cheerfully give him a franc +for every minute that was left. + +I can only suppose that so novel a method of payment aroused his +suspicion. + +Be that as it may, with an apologetic bow, the fellow requested to see +the colour of my money. + +Then and then only did I remember that I had not a brass farthing upon +my person. + +What was worse, I felt pretty sure that Adele and Berry were equally +penniless... + +My exit from that village I try to forget. + +I found that the waters of humiliation were deeper than I could have +believed. They seemed, in fact, bottomless. + +It is, perhaps, unnecessary to say that I returned by the way I had +come. I had had enough of the road to Argeles. My one idea was to +rejoin Adele and Berry and to sit down in the car. Mentally and +physically I was weary to death. I craved to set my back against the +buttress of company in this misfortune, and I was mad to sit down. +Compared with standing any longer upon my feet, the contingency of +dislocation became positively attractive.... + +The first thing that met my eyes, as I limped round the last of the +bends, was the bonnet of a dilapidated touring car. + +I could have thrown up my rotten hat. + +A few feet further from Lourdes than Pong himself was an aged grey +French car. Standing in the white road between the two was a strapping +figure in pale pink georgette and a large Leghorn hat, apparently +arguing with three blue-covered mechanics. From Pong's off-side window +the conical hat and extravagant ruff of 'Pierrette' were protruding +excitedly. + +My companions' relief to see me again was unfeigned. + +As I came up, Adele gave a whimper of delight, and a moment later she +was pouring her tale into my ears. + +"You hadn't been gone long when these people came by. We stopped them, +of course, and----" + +"One moment," said I. "Have they got any petrol?" + +"Listen," said Berry. "Four _bidons_ of what they had are in our tank. +It was when they were in, that we found we hadn't a bean. That didn't +matter. The gents were perfectly happy to take my address. A pencil +was produced--we had nothing, of course--and I started to write it all +down on the edge of yesterday's _Le Temps_. They all looked over my +shoulder. As I was writing, I _felt_ their manner change. I stopped +and looked round. _The fools were staring at me as if I were risen +from the dead_. That mayn't surprise you, but it did me, because we'd +got through that phase. For a moment we looked at one another. Then +one picked up the paper and took off his hat. 'It is unnecessary,' he +said, 'for _Monsieur_ to give us his name. We know it perfectly.' The +others nodded agreement. I tell you, I thought they'd gone mad...." + +He pushed his hat back from his eyes and sat down on the step. + +"But--but what's the trouble?" I gasped. + +Berry threw out his hands. + +"Haven't you got it?" he said. "_They think I'm Sycamore Tight._" + + * * * * * + +I soon perceived the vanity of argument. + +With my brother-in-law in the hand and fifty thousand francs in the +bush, the three mechanics were inexorable. + +They accepted my statements; they saw my point of view; they uncovered; +they bowed; they laughed when I laughed; they admitted the possibility, +nay, likelihood of a mistake; they deplored the inconvenience we were +suffering. But, politely and firmly, they insisted that Berry should +enter their car and accompany them to Lourdes. + +That this their demand should be met was not to be thought of. + +Adele and I could not desert Berry; from the police at Lourdes nothing +was to be expected but suspicion, hostility, and maddeningly officious +delays; Berry's eventual release would only be obtained at a cost of +such publicity as made my head swim. + +Any idea of force was out of the question. But for the presence of my +wife, we would have done what we could. With Adele in our care, +however, we could not afford to fail, and--they were three to two. + +I racked my brain desperately.... + +Presently one of the trio lugged out a watch. When he showed his +fellows the hour, they flung up their arms. A moment later they were +clearing for action. + +_Le Temps_ was carefully folded and stuffed out of sight. Berry was +informed, with a bow, that, so soon as their car was turned round, they +would be ready to leave. The slightest of the three stepped to the +starting-handle... + +The next moment, with a deafening roar, their engine was under way. + +I was standing with my hand upon our off hind wing, and as the driver +ran to his throttle, I felt a steady tremor. + +_Under cover of the other car's roar, Adele had started Pong's engine_. + +What was a great deal more, _she had given me my cue_. + +I thought like lightning. + +There was not a moment to lose. Already the driver was in his seat and +fumbling with his gear-lever.... + +As slowly as I dared, I strolled to the off-side door. + +Adele's and my eyes met. + +"When you hear me say, 'Look'," I said. + +With the faintest smile, 'Pierrette' stared through the wind-screen.... + +I returned to the rear of the car. + +The way we were using was narrow, but fifty paces away in the direction +of Argeles was a track which left our road to lead to a farm. For this +spot the driver was making. There he would be able to turn with the +acme of ease. + +His two companions were standing close to Berry. + +As luck would have it, the latter was standing with his back to our +car, perhaps a foot from the tail-lamp. + +Not one of the three, I fancy, had any idea that our engine was running. + +I addressed the mechanics in French. + +"I have been talking with _Madame_, and, tired as she is, she agrees +that it will be best if we follow you to Lourdes. Please don't go too +fast when you get to the town, or we shall lose our way." + +As they assured me of their service, I turned to Berry, as though to +translate what I had said. + +"There are two steps to the dickey. The lower one is two paces to your +right and one to your rear. It is not meant for a seat, but it will +do. Throw your arm round the spare wheels and sit tight." + +Berry shrugged his shoulders. + +A glance up the road showed me the other car being turned into the +track. + +I crossed to the near side of Pong and stooped as though to examine the +exhaust. The two mechanics were watching me.... + +With the tail of my eye I saw Berry glance behind him, sink down upon +the step, drop his head miserably into the crook of his arm, and set +that arm upon the spare wheels. + +Suddenly I straightened my back, glanced past the two warders, and +flung out a pointing arm. + +"_Look!_" I shouted, and stepped on to the running-board. + +As I spoke, Adele let in the clutch.... + +It was really too easy. + +By the time our two friends had decided to turn and inquire what had +excited my remark, we were ten paces away and gathering speed... + +Of course they ran after us, yelling like men possessed. + +That was but human. + +Then they recovered their wits and raced for their car. + +I cried to Berry to sit tight, and opened the door.... + +"Is he on?" said Adele, as I took my seat by her side. + +I nodded. + +"As soon as we're far enough on, we must take him inside. He ought to +be safe enough, but I'll bet he's blessing his petticoats. As for you, +sweetheart, I don't know which is the finer--your nerve or your wit." + +A cool hand stole into mine. + +Then-- + +"But we're not there yet," said Adele. + +This was unhappily true. + +Pong was the faster car, and Adele was already going the deuce of a +pace. But there was traffic to come, and two level crossings lay +between us and Lourdes. + +I turned and looked out of the glass in the back of the hood. The +English Rose had thrust herself inelegantly on to the petrol tank. Her +right foot was jammed against a wing, so that her shapely leg acted as +a brace: her arms clasped the two spare wheels convulsively: her head +was thrown back, and her lips were moving.... Of our pursuers there +was no sign. That moment we had rounded a bend, but when a moment +later we rounded another they were still out of sight. + +I began to wonder whether it was safe to stop and take Berry inboard.... + +Then the Klaxon belched, and a cry from Adele made me turn. + +Two hundred yards ahead was a flock of sheep--all over the road. + +We had to slow down to a pace which jabbed at my nerves. + +I did not know what to do. + +I did not know whether to seize the chance and take Berry inside, or +whether to put the obstacle between Pong and the terror behind, and I +felt I must look at the sheep. + +The speedometer dropped to twenty ... to fifteen ... to ten.... + +Then the tires tore at the road, and we practically stopped. + +Adele changed into second speed. + +I opened the door instantly, only to see that to collect Berry now was +out of the question. The sheep were all round us--like a +flood--lapping our sides. + +Adele changed into first. + +I was physically afraid to look behind. + +The next moment we were through. + +We stormed round a curve to see a level crossing a quarter of a mile +ahead. + +_The gates were shut_. + +Adele gave a cry of despair. + +"Oh, Boy, we're done!" + +"Not yet," said I, opening the door again. "Go right up to them, lass. +At least, it'll give us a chance to get Berry inside." + +We stopped with a jerk three feet from the rails. + +As I ran for the gate, I glanced over my shoulder. + +"Now's your chance!" I shouted. "Get..." + +I never completed the sentence. + +_The English Rose was gone_. + +I stopped still in my tracks. + +Then I rushed back to the car. + +"He's gone!" I cried. "We've dropped him! Quick! Reverse up the way +we've come, for all you're worth." + +Adele backed the car with the speed and skill of a professional. I +stood on the running-board, straining my eyes.... + +The next moment a dilapidated touring car tore round the bend we were +approaching and leapt towards us. + +It passed us with locked wheels, rocking to glory. + +At a nod from me, Adele threw out the clutch... + +As the mechanics came up-- + +"I'm sorry, _Messieurs_," I said, "but I fear you've passed him. No, +he's not here. Pray look in the car.... Quite satisfied? Good. Yes, +we dropped him a long way back. We thought it wiser." + +With that I wished them 'Good day,' and climbed into our car. + +"But what shall we do?" said Adele. + +"Get home," said I, "as quick as ever we can. So long as we stay +hereabouts, those fellows'll stick to us like glue. We must go and get +help and come back. Berry'll hide somewhere where he can watch the +road." + +As we passed over the level crossing, I looked behind. + +The dilapidated grey car was being turned round feverishly. + + * * * * * + +Forty-five minutes later we sped up the shadowy drive and stopped by +our own front door. + +'Pierrette' switched off the engine and sat looking miserably before +her. + +"I wish," she said slowly, "I wish you'd let me go with you. I did +hate leaving him so, and I'd feel----" + +With a hand on the door, I touched her pale cheek. + +"My darling," said I, "you've done more than your bit--far more, and +you're going straight to bed. As for leaving him--well, you know how +much I liked it, but I know when I'm done." + + "_'Tis the last rose of summer, + Left blooming alone...._" + + +Delivered with obvious emotion in a muffled baritone voice, Moore's +famous words seemed to come from beneath us. + +Adele and I stared at one another with starting eyes.... + +Then I fell out of the car and clawed at the flap of the dickey.... + +My hands were trembling, but I had it open at last. + +Her head pillowed upon a spare tube, the ruin of 'An English Rose' +regarded me coyly. + +"I think you might have knocked," she said, simpering. "Supposing I'd +been _en deshabille_!" + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +HOW A TELEGRAM CAME FOR JILL, PIERS DEMANDED HIS SWEETHEART, AND I +DROVE AFTER MY WIFE + +_Rome._ + +_My darling Jill,_ + +_It's all finished now, and I can start for Paris to-morrow. I must +stay there one night, to sign some papers, and then I can leave for +Pau. And on next Sunday morning as ever is, we'll have breakfast +together. Perhaps---- No, I won't say it. Any way, Sunday morning at +latest. Everyone's been awfully kind, and--you'll never guess what's +coming--Cousin Leslie's turned out a white man. He's the one, you +know, who brought the suit. The day I got back from Irikli I got a +note from him, saying that, while he couldn't pretend he wasn't sorry +he'd lost his case, he knew how to take a beating, and, now that it was +all over, couldn't we be friends, and asking me to come and dine with +him and his wife at the Grand Hotel. Old Vissochi didn't want me to +go, and kept quoting something out of Virgil about 'fearing the +Greeks,' but, of course, I insisted. And I am so glad I did. Leslie +and his wife were simply splendid. Nobody could have been nicer, and +considering that, if he'd won, he'd 've had the title, estates, money +and everything, I think it speaks jolly well for them both. They've +got two ripping little boys, and they were frightfully interested to +hear about you. They'd no idea, of course, but I just had to tell +them. They were so astonished at first they could hardly speak. And +then Mrs. Trunk picked up her glass and cried out, "Hurray, Hurray," +and they both drank to us both, and everybody was staring, and Leslie +got quite red with embarrassment at their having made such a scene. +Then they made me tell them what you looked like, and I did my best, +and they laughed and said I was caking it on, so I showed them your +photograph. And then Mrs. Trunk made me show her a letter of yours, +and told your character from your handwriting, and we had a great time. +Oh, Jill, I'm longing for you to see Irikli. Of course I love Rome, +but I think we'll have to be at Como a lot. Father always liked it the +best, and I think you will. It's so lovely, it makes you want to +shout. It only wants a princess with golden hair to make it fairyland, +and now it's going to have one. Oh, my darling, I'm just living to see +your beautiful face again and your great grave grey eyes. Jill, have +you any idea what wonderful eyes you've got? I say, we are going to be +happy, aren't we? So happy, we shan't have time for anything else. +But I can't wear a body-belt, dear. Not after this. I promised I +would till I came back, but I'm almost melted. I don't think Jonah can +be right. Any way, I'll bet he doesn't wear one._ + + _Your very loving + PIERS._ + + +My cousin showed us the letter with the artless confidence of a child. + +Excepting herself, I don't think any one of us shared the writer's +enthusiasm about Mr. Leslie Trunk. We quite agreed with Signer +Vissochi. It was hard to believe that the man who had instituted such +an iniquitous suit could so swiftly forgive the costly drubbing he had +received, or, as heir-presumptive to the dukedom, honestly welcome the +news of Piers' engagement. Sweetheart Jill, however, knew little of +leopards and their spots. Out of respect for such unconsciousness, we +held our peace. There was no hurry, and Piers could be tackled at our +convenience.... + +The conversation turned to our impending departure from France. + +"I take it," said Jonah, "that we go as we came. If we're going to +Paris for the Grand Prix, there's not much object in stopping there +now. In any event, it 'ld mean our going by train and sending the cars +by sea. I'm not going to drive in Paris for anyone. I'm too old." + +After a little discussion, we decided that he was right. + +"Same route?" said Adele. + +"I think so," said Jonah. "Except that we miss Bordeaux and go by +Bergerac instead." + +"Is that shorter or longer?" said Berry. "Not that I really care, +because I wouldn't visit Bordeaux a second time for any earthly +consideration. I've seen a good many poisonous places in my time, but +for inducing the concentrated essence of depression, that moth-eaten +spectre of bustling commerce has them, as the immortal B-B-B-Wordsworth +says, beat to a b-b-b-string-bag." + +"I don't seem to remember," said Daphne, "that it was so awful." + +"It wasn't," said I. "But the circumstances in which he visited it +were somewhat drab. Still, it's not an attractive town, and, as the +other way's shorter and the road's about twice as good----" + +"I'm glad it's shorter," said Berry. "I want to get to Angouleme in +good time." + +"Why?" said Jill. + +Berry eyed her reproachfully. + +"Child," he said, "is your gratitude so short-lived? Have you in six +slight months forgotten that at Angouleme we were given the very finest +dinner that ever we ate? A meal without frills--nine tender courses +long? For which we paid the equivalent of rather less than five +shillings a head?" + +"Oh, I remember," said Jill. "That was where they made us use the same +knife all through dinner." + +"And what," demanded Berry, "of that? A conceit--a charming conceit. +Thus was the glorious tradition of one course handed down to those that +followed after. I tell you, that for me the idea of another 'crowded +hour' in Angouleme goes far to ameliorate the unpleasant prospect of +erupting into the middle of an English spring." + +"It's clear," said I, "that you should do a gastronomic tour. Every +department of France has its particular dainty. With a reliable list, +an almanac, and a motor ambulance, you could do wonders." + +My brother-in-law groaned. + +"It wouldn't work," he said miserably. "It wouldn't work. They'd +clash. When you were in Picardy, considering some _pates de Canards_, +you'd get a wire from Savoy saying that the salmon trout were in the +pink, and on the way there you'd get another from Gascony to say that +in twenty-four hours they wouldn't answer for the flavour of the +ortolans." + +"Talking of gluttony," said Jonah, "if they don't bring lunch pretty +soon, we shall be late. It's past one now, and the meeting's the other +side of Morlaas. First race, two-fifteen." + +I rose and strolled to the Club-house, to see the steward.... + +This day was the sixteenth of April, and Summer was coming in. Under +our very eyes, plain, woods and foothills were putting on amain her +lovely livery. We had played a full round of golf over a blowing +valley we hardly knew. Billowy emerald banks masked the familiar +sparkle of the hurrying Gave; the fine brown lace of rising woods had +disappeared, and, in its stead, a broad hanging terrace of delicate +green stood up against the sky; from being a jolly counterpane, the +plain of Billere itself had become a cheerful quilt; as for the +foot-hills, they were so monstrously tricked out with fine fresh +ruffles and unexpected equipage of greenery, with a strange epaulet +upon that shoulder and a brand-new periwig upon that brow, that if high +hills but hopped outside the Psalter you would have sworn the snowy +Pyrenees had found new equerries. + +Luncheon was served indoors. + +Throughout the winter the lawn before the Club-house had made a +dining-room. To-day, however, we were glad of the shade. + +"Does Piers know," said Adele, "that he's coming home with us?" + +Jill shook her head. + +"Not yet. I meant to tell him in my last letter, but I forgot." She +turned to Daphne. "You don't think we could be married at once? I'm +sure Piers wouldn't mind, and I'd be so much easier. He does want +looking after, you know. Fancy his wanting to leave off that belt +thing." + +"Yes, just fancy," said Berry. "Apart from the fact that it was a +present from you, it'd be indecent." + +"It isn't that," said Jill. "But he might get an awful chill." + +"I know," said Berry. "I know. That's my second point. Keep the +abdominal wall quarter of an inch deep in lamb's wool, and in the +hottest weather you'll never feel cold. Never mind. If he mentions it +again, we'll make its retention a term of the marriage settlement." + +Jill eyed him severely before proceeding. + +"It could be quite quiet," she continued; "the wedding, I mean. At a +registry place----" + +"Mrs. Hunt's, for instance," said Berry. + +"--and then we could all go down to White Ladies together, and when he +has to go back to fix things up in Italy, I could go, too." + +"My darling," said Daphne, "don't you want to be married from home? In +our own old church at Bilberry? For only one thing, if you weren't, I +don't think the village would ever get over it." + +Jill sighed. + +"When you talk like that," she said, "I don't want to be married at +all.... Yes, I do. I want Piers. I wouldn't be happy without him. +But... If only he hadn't got four estates of his own, we might----" + +"Five," said Berry. Jill opened her big grey eyes. "Four now, and a +share in another upon his wedding day." + +Jill knitted her brow. + +"I never knew this," she said. "What's the one he's going to have?" + +Berry raised his eyebrows. + +"It's a place in Hampshire," he said. "Not very far from Brooch. They +call it White Ladies." + +The look which Jill gave us, as we acclaimed his words, came straight +out of Paradise. + +"I do wish he could have heard you," she said uncertainly. "I'll tell +him, of course. But it won't be the same. And my memory isn't +short-lived really. I'd forgotten the Angouleme dinner, but I shan't +forget this lunch in a hundred years." + +"In another minute," said Berry, "I shall imbrue this omelet with +tears. Then it'll be too salt." He seized his tumbler and raised it +above his head. "I give you Monsieur Roland. May he touch the ground +in spots this afternoon. Five times he's lent me an 'unter-'oss out of +sheer good nature; his taste in cocktails is venerable; and whenever I +see him he asks when we're going to use his car." + +We drank the toast gladly. + +Roland was a good sportsman, and throughout the season at Pau he had +been more than friendly. He was to ride two races at the meeting this +afternoon. + +"And now," said I, "get a move on. St. Jammes is ten miles off, and +the road is vile. If we'd got Roland's flier, it 'ld be one thing, but +Ping and Pong'll take their own time." + +My brother-in-law frowned. + +"Business first," he said shortly. "Business first. I spoke to the +steward about the cutlets, and I won't have them rushed. And if that's +our Brie on the sideboard--well, I, too, am in a melting mood, and it's +just asking for trouble." + +There was a fresh breeze quickening the air upon the uplands beyond old +Morlaas, to whip the flags into a steady flutter and now and again +flick a dark tress of hair across Adele's dear cheeks. + +As we scrambled across country-- + +"Why, oh, why," she wailed, "did ever I let it grow? I'll have it cut +again to-morrow. I swear I will." + +"And what about me?" said I. "You're a joint tenant with me. You +can't commit waste like that without my consent." + +"I'm sure I can abate--is that right?--a nuisance." + +"It's not a nuisance. It's a glory. When I wake up in the morning and +see it rippling all over the pillow, I plume myself upon my real and +personal interest in such a beautiful estate. Then I start working out +how many lockets it 'ld fill, and that sends me to sleep again." + +"Does it really ripple?" said Adele. "Or is that a poet's licence?" + +"Rather," said I. "Sometimes, if I'm half asleep, I feel quite +seasick." + +Adele smiled thoughtfully. + +"In that case," she announced, "I'll reconsider my decision. But I +wish to Heaven it 'ld ripple when I'm awake." + +"They're off!" cried Jonah. + +A sudden rush for the bank on which we were standing confirmed his +report. We had much ado to escape being thrust into the deep lane the +bank was walling. + +The lane was about a mile long, and so was the bank. The latter made a +fair "grand stand." As such it was packed. Not only all the visitors +to Pau, but every single peasant for twenty miles about seemed to have +rallied at St. Jammes to see the sport. The regular business of the +race-course was conspicuously missing. Pleasure was strolling, cock of +an empty walk. For sheer bonhomie, the little meeting bade fair to +throw its elder brethren of the Hippodrome itself into the shadowy +distance. + +Roland rode a fine race and won by a neck. + +We left the bank and walked up the lane to offer our congratulations. + +"Thank you. Thank you. But nex' year you will bring horses, eh? An' +we will ride against one another. Yes? You shall keep them with me. +I 'ave plenty of boxes, you know. An' on the day I will give your +horse his breakfast, and he shall give me the race. That's right. An' +when are you going to try my tank? I go away for a week, an' when I +come back yesterday, I ask my people, 'How has Captain Pleydell enjoyed +the car?' 'But he 'as not used it.' 'No? Then that is because the +Major has broken her up?' 'No. He has not been near.' I see now it +is not good enough. I tell you I am hurt. I shall not ask you again." + +"Lunch with us to-morrow instead," laughed Daphne + +"I am sure that I will," said Roland. + +After a little we sauntered back to our bank.... + +It was nearly a quarter to five by the time we were home. That was +early enough, but the girls had grown tired of standing, and we had +seen Roland win twice. Jonah we had left to come in another car. This +was because he had found a brother-fisherman. When last we saw him, he +had a pipe in one hand, a lighted match in the other, and was +discussing casts.... + +Falcon met us at the door with a telegram addressed to 'Miss Mansel.' + +The wording was short and to the point. + +_Have met with accident can you come Piers Paris._ + +The next train to Paris left Pau in twelve minutes time. + +Adele and a white-faced Jill caught it by the skin of their teeth. + +They had their tickets, the clothes they stood up in, a brace of vanity +bags, and one hundred and forty-five francs. But that was all. It was +arranged feverishly upon the platform that Jonah and I should follow, +with such of their effects as Daphne gave us, by the ten-thirty train. + +Then a horn brayed, I kissed Adele's fingers, poor Jill threw me a +ghost of a smile, and their coach rolled slowly out of the station.... + +I returned to the car dazedly. + +Thinking it over, I decided that we had done the best we could. On +arrival at Bordeaux, my wife and cousin could join the Spanish express, +which was due to leave that city at ten-fifteen; this, if it ran to +time, would bring them to the French capital by seven o'clock the next +morning. Jonah and I would arrive some five hours later.... + +The Bank was closed, of course, so I drove to the Club forthwith to get +some money. Jonah was not there, but, as he was certain to call, I +left a note with the porter, telling him what had occurred. Then I +purchased our tickets--a lengthy business. It was so lengthy, in fact, +that when it was over I called again at the Club on the chance of +picking up Jonah and bringing him home. He had not arrived.... + +I made my way back to the villa dismally enough. + +My sister and Berry were in the drawing-room. + +As I opened the door-- + +"Wherever have you been?" said Daphne. "Did they catch it?" + +I nodded. + +"You haven't seen Jonah, I suppose?" + +I shook my head. + +"But where have you been, Boy?" + +I spread out my hands. + +"Getting money and tickets. You know their idea of haste. But there's +plenty of time--worse luck," I added bitterly. Then: "I say, what a +dreadful business!" I sank into a chair. "What on earth can have +happened?" + +Berry rose and walked to a window. + +"Jill's face," he said slowly. "Jill's face." He swung round and +flung out an arm. "She looked old!" he cried. "Jill--that baby looked +old. She thought it was a wire to say he was on his way, and it hit +her between the eyes like the kick of a horse." + +Shrunk into a corner of her chair, my sister stared dully before her. + +"He must be bad," said I. "Unless he was bad, he 'ld never have wired +like that. If Piers could have done it, I'm sure he 'ld have tempered +the wind." + +"'Can you come?'" quoted Berry, and threw up his arms. + +Daphne began to cry quietly.... + +A glance at the tea-things showed me that these were untouched. I rang +the bell, and pleasantly fresh tea was brought. I made my sister +drink, and poured some for Berry and me. The stimulant did us all +good. By common consent, we thrust speculation aside and made what +arrangements we could. That our plans for returning to England would +now miscarry seemed highly probable. + +At last my sister sighed and lay back in her chair. + +"Why?" she said quietly. "Why? What has Jill done to earn this? Oh, +I know it's no good questioning Fate, but it's--it's rather hard." + +I stepped to her side and took her hand in mine. + +"My darling," I said, "don't let's make the worst of a bad business. +The going's heavy, I know, but it's idle to curse the jumps before +we've seen them. Piers didn't send that wire himself. That goes +without saying. He probably never worded it. I know that's as broad +as it's long, but, when you come to think, there's really no reason on +earth why it should be anything more than a broken leg." + +There was a dubious silence. + +At length-- + +"Boy's perfectly right," said Berry. "Jill's scared stiff--naturally. +As for us, we're rattled--without good reason at all. For all we +know...." + +He broke off to listen.... The front door closed with a crash. + +"Jonah," said I. "He's had my note, and----" + +It was not Jonah. + +It was Piers, Duke of Padua, who burst into the room, looking +extraordinarily healthy and very much out of breath. + +We stared at him, speechless. + +For a moment he stood smiling. Then he swept Daphne a bow. + +"Paris to Pau by air," he said, "in four and a quarter hours. Think of +it. Clean across France in a bit of an afternoon. You'll all _have_ +to do it: it's simply glorious." He crossed to my sister's side and +kissed her hand. "Don't look so surprised," he said, laughing. "It +really is me. I didn't dare to wire, in case we broke down on the way. +And now where's Jill?" + +We continued to stare at him in silence. + + * * * * * + +It was Berry--some ten minutes later--who hit the right nail on the +head. + +"By George!" he shouted. "By George! I've got it in one. _The fellow +who sent that wire was Leslie Trunk_." + +"_Leslie?_" cried Piers. "But why----" + +"Who knows? But your cousin's a desperate man, and Jill's in his way. +So are you--more still, but, short of murder itself, to touch you won't +help his case. With Jill in his hands.... Well, for one thing only, I +take it you'd pay pretty high for her--her health." + +Piers went very white. + +For myself, I strove to keep my brain steady, but the thought of +Adele--my wife, in the power of the dog, would thrust itself, grinning +horribly, into the foreground of my imagination. + +I heard somebody say that the hour was a quarter past seven. I had my +watch in my hand, so I knew they were right. Vainly they repeated +their statement, unconsciously voicing my thoughts.... + +Only when Daphne fell on her knees by my side did I realise that I was +the speaker. + +Berry and Piers were at the telephone. + +I heard them. + +"Ask for the Bordeaux Exchange. Burn it, why can't I talk French? Do +as I say, lad. Don't argue. Ask for the Bordeaux Exchange. Insist +that it's urgent--a matter of life and death." + +Piers began to speak--shakily. + +"Yes. The Bordeaux Exchange.... It's most urgent, _Mademoiselle_.... +A matter of life and death.... Yes, yes. The Exchange itself.... +What? My God! But, _Mademoiselle_----" + +A sudden rude thresh of the bell announced that his call was over. + +Berry fell upon the instrument with an oath. + +"It's no good!" cried Piers. "It's no good. She says the line to +Bordeaux is out of order." + +My sister lifted her head and looked into my face. + +"Can you do it by car?" she said. + +I pulled myself together and thought very fast. + +"We can try," I said, rising, "but---- Oh, it's a hopeless chance. +Only three hours--_less than_ three hours for a hundred and fifty +miles. It can't be done. We'd have to do over seventy most of the +way, and you can't beat a pace like that out of Ping and Pong. On the +track, perhaps.... But on the open road----" + +The soft slush of tires upon the drive cut short my sentence. + +"Jonah, at last," breathed Daphne. + +We ran to the window. + +It was not Jonah. + +It was Roland. + +So soon as he saw us, he stopped and threw out his clutch. + +"I say, you know, I am mos' distress' about your lunch to-morrow. When +you ask me----" + +"Roland," I cried, "Roland, will you lend me your car?" + +"But 'ave I not said----" + +"Now--at once--here--to drive to Bordeaux?" + +Roland looked up at my face. + +The next moment he was out of his seat. + +"Yes, but I am not going with you," he said. Then: "What is the +matter? Never mind. You will tell me after. The lights are good, and +she is full up with gasolene. I tell you, you will be there in three +hours." + +"Make it two and three-quarters," said I. + + * * * * * + +The day's traffic had dwindled to a handful of home-going gigs, and as +we swung out of the _Rue Montpensier_ and on to the Bordeaux road, a +distant solitary tram was the only vehicle within sight. + +I settled down in my seat.... + +A moment later we had passed the _Octroi_, and Pau was behind us. + +Piers crouched beside me as though he were carved of stone. Once in a +while his eyes would fall from the road to the instrument-board. +Except for that regular movement, he gave no sign of life. As for +Berry, sunk, papoose-like, in the chauffeur's cockpit in rear, I hoped +that his airman's cap would stand him in stead.... + +The light was good, and would serve us for half an hour. The car was +pulling like the mares of Diomedes. As we flung by the last of the +villas, I gave her her head.... + +Instantly the long straight road presented a bend, and I eased her up +with a frown. We took the corner at fifty, the car holding the road as +though this were banked for speed. As we flashed by the desolate +race-course and the ground on which Piers had alighted two hours +before, I lifted a grateful head. It was clear that what corners we +met could be counted out. With such a grip of the road and such +acceleration, the time which anything short of a hairpin bend would +cost us was almost negligible. + +As if annoyed at my finding, the road for the next five miles ran +straight as a die. For over three of those miles the lady whose lap we +sat in was moving at eighty-four. + +A hill appeared--a long, long hill, steep, straight, yellow--tearing +towards us.... We climbed with the rush of a lift--too fast for our +stomachs. + +The road was improving now, but, as if to cancel this, a steep, winding +hill fell into a sudden valley. As we were dropping, I saw its +grey-brown fellow upon the opposite side, dragging his tedious way to +the height we had left. + +We lost time badly here, for down on the flat of the dale a giant lorry +was turning, while a waggon was creeping by. For a quarter of a +precious minute the road was entirely blocked. Because of the coming +ascent the check hit us hard. In a word, it made a mountain out of a +molehill. What the car might have swallowed whole she had to +masticate. She ate her way up the rise, snorting with indignation.... + +A mile (or a minute, Sirs, whichever you please) was all the grace she +had to find her temper. Then the deuce of a hill swerved down to the +foot of another--long, blind, sinuous. The road was writhing like a +serpent. We used it as serpents should be used. Maybe it bruised our +heels: we bruised its head savagely.... + +We were on the level now, and the way was straight again. A dot ahead +was a waggon. I wondered which way it was going. I saw, and we passed +it by in the same single moment of time. That I may not be thought +inobservant, forty-five yards a second is a pace which embarrasses +sight. + +A car came flying towards us. At the last I remarked with a smile it +was going our way. A flash of paint, a smack like the flap of a sail, +and we were by. + +A farm was coming. I saw the white of its walls swelling to ells from +inches. I saw a hen, who had seen us, starting to cross our path. +Simultaneously I lamented her death--needlessly. She missed +destruction by yards. I found myself wondering whether, after all, she +had held on her way. Presently I decided that she had and, anxious to +retrace her steps, had probably awaited our passage in some +annoyance.... + +We swam up another hill, flicked between two waggons, slashed a village +in half and tore up the open road. + +The daylight was waning now, and Piers switched on the hooded light +that illumined the instrument-board. With a frown I collected my lady +for one last tremendous effort before the darkness fell. + +She responded like the thoroughbred she was. + +I dared not glance at the speedometer, but I could feel each mile as it +added itself to our pace. I felt this climb from ninety to ninety-one. +Thickening the spark by a fraction, I brought it to ninety-two ... +ninety-three.... In a quiet, steady voice, Piers began to give me the +benefit of his sight. + +"Something ahead on the right ... a waggon ... all clear ... cart, I +think, on the right ... no--yes. It's not moving.... A bicycle on the +left ... and another ... a car coming ... all clear ... no--a man +walking on the right ... all clear...." + +So, our narrowed eyes nailed to the straight grey ribbon streaming into +the distance, the sea and the waves roaring in our ears, folded in the +wings of the wind, we cheated Dusk of seven breathless miles and sent +Nature packing with a fork in her breech. + +Sore at this treatment, the Dame, as ever, returned, with Night himself +to urge her argument. + +I threw in my hand with a sigh, and Piers switched on the lights as we +ran into Aire-sur-l'Adour. + +I heard a clock striking as we swung to the left in the town.... + +Eight o'clock. + +Two more hours and a quarter, and a hundred and nineteen miles to go. + +I tried not to lose heart.... + +We had passed Villeneuve-de-Marsan, and were nearing, I knew, +cross-roads, when Piers forestalled my inquiry and spoke in my ear. + +"Which shall you do? Go straight? Or take the forest road?" + +"I don't know the Roquefort way, except that there's pavement there. +What's it like?" + +"It's pretty bad," said Piers. "But you'll save about fifteen miles." + +"How much pavement is there? Five or six miles?" + +"Thirty about," said Piers. + +"Thanks very much," said I. "We'll go by the forest." + +I think I was right. + +I knew the forest road and I knew its surface was superb. Thirty miles +of pavement, which I did not know, which was admittedly rough, +presented a ghastly prospect. The 'luxury' tax of fifteen precious +miles, tacked on to the way of the forest, was really frightening, but +since such a little matter as a broken lamp would kill our chances, I +dared not risk the rough and tumble of the pavement upon the Roquefort +road. + +At last the cross-roads came, and we swung to the right. We had +covered a third of the ground. + +I glanced at the gleaming clock sunk in the dash. + +Twenty-five minutes past eight. + +An hour and fifty minutes--and a hundred miles to go. + +With a frightful shock I realised that, _even with the daylight to help +me, I had used a third of my time_. + +I began to wish frantically that I had gone by Roquefort. I felt a +wild inclination to stop and retrace my steps. Pavement? Pavement be +burned. I must have been mad to throw away fifteen miles--fifteen +golden miles.... + +Adele's face, pale, frightened, accusing, stared at me through the +wind-screen. Over her shoulder, Jill, white and shrinking, pointed a +shaking finger. + +With a groan, I jammed my foot on the accelerator.... + +With a roar, the car sprang forward like a spurred horse. + +Heaven knows the speed at which St. Justin was passed. I was beyond +caring. We missed a figure by inches and a cart by a foot. Then the +cottages faded, and the long snarl of the engine sank to the stormy +mutter she kept for the open road. + +We were in the forest now, and I let her go. + +Out of the memories of that April evening our progress through the +forest stands like a chapter of a dream. + +Below us, the tapering road, paler than ever--on either side an endless +army of fir trees, towering shoulder to shoulder, so dark, so vast, and +standing still as Death--above us, a lane of violet, all pricked with +burning stars, we supped the rare old ale brewed by Hans Andersen +himself. + +Within this magic zone the throb of the engine, the hiss of the +carburettor, the swift brush of the tires upon the road--three rousing +tones, yielding a thunderous chord, were curiously staccato. The +velvet veil of silence we rent in twain; but as we tore it, the folds +fell back to hang like mighty curtains about our path, stifling all +echo, striking reverberation dumb. The strong, sweet smell of the +woods enhanced the mystery. The cool, clean air thrashed us with +perfume.... + +The lights of the car were powerful and focussed perfectly. The +steady, bright splash upon the road, one hundred yards ahead, robbed +the night of its sting. + +Rabbits rocketed across our bows; a bat spilled its brains upon our +wind-screen; a hare led us for an instant, only to flash to safety +under our very wheels. As for the moths, the screen was strewn with +the dead. Three times Piers had to rise and wipe it clear. + +Of men and beasts, mercifully, we saw no sign. + +If Houeilles knew of our passage, her ears told her. Seemingly the +hamlet slept. I doubt if we took four seconds to thread its one +straight street. Next day, I suppose, men swore the devil was loose. +They may be forgiven. Looking back from a hazy distance, I think he +was at my arm. + +As we ran into Casteljaloux, a clock was striking.... + +Nine o'clock. + +We had covered the thirty-five miles in thirty-five minutes dead. + +"To the left, you know," said Piers. + +"_Left?_" I cried, setting a foot on the brake. "Straight on, surely. +We turn to the left at Marmande." + +"No, no, _no_. We don't touch Marmande. We turn to the left here." I +swung round obediently. "This is the Langon road. It's quite all +right, and it saves us about ten miles." + +Ten miles. + +I could have screamed for joy. + +Only fifty-five miles to go--and an hour and a quarter left. + +The hope which had never died lifted up its head.... + +It was when we were nearing Auros that we sighted the van. + +This was a hooded horror--a great, two-ton affair, a creature, I +imagine, of Bordeaux, blinding home like a mad thing, instead of +blundering. + +Ah, I see a hundred fingers pointing to the beam in my eye. Bear with +me, gentlemen. I am not so sightless as all that. + +I could steer my car with two fingers upon the roughest road. I could +bring her up, all standing, in twice her length. My lights, as you +know, made darkness a thing of nought.... I cannot answer for its +headlights, nor for its brake-control, but the backlash in the steering +of that two-ton van was terrible to behold. + +Hurling itself along at thirty odd miles an hour, the vehicle rocked +and swung all over the narrow surface--now lurching to the right, now +plunging to the left, but, in the main, holding a wobbling course upon +the crown of the road--to my distraction. + +Here was trouble enough, but--what was worse--upon my sounding the +horn, the driver refused to give way. He knew of my presence, of +course. He heard me, he saw my headlights, and--he sought to increase +his pace.... + +I sounded the horn till it failed: I yelled till my throat was sore: +Piers raged and howled: behind, I heard Berry bellowing like a +fiend.... I cursed and chafed till the sweat of baffled fury ran into +my eyes.... + +For over five hideous miles I followed that bucketing van. + +I tried to pass it once, but the brute who was driving swerved to the +left--I believe on purpose--and only our four-wheel brakes averted a +headline smash. + +At that moment we might not have been on earth. + +My lady stopped as a bird stops in its flight. With the sudden heave +of a ship, she seemed to hang in the air. Wild as I was, I could not +but marvel at her grace.... + +Out of the check came wisdom. + +It was safe, then, to keep very close. + +I crept to the blackguard's heels, till our headlights made two rings +upon his vile body. + +With one foot on the step, Piers hung out of the car, watching the road +beyond. + +Suddenly the van tilted to the right.... + +I knew a swerve must follow, if the driver would keep his balance. + +As it came, I pulled out and crammed by, with my heart in my mouth.... + +A glance at the clock made me feel sick to death. + +Fifteen priceless minutes that van had stolen out of my hard-earned +hoard. I had risked our lives a score of times to win each one of +them. And now an ill-natured churl had flung them into the draught.... + +I set my teeth and put the car at a hill at eighty-five.... + +We flashed through Langon at twenty minutes to ten. + +Thirty-five minutes left--and thirty miles to go. + +We were on the main road now, and the surface was wide, if rough. What +little traffic there was, left plenty of room. + +I took the ashes of my caution and flung them to the winds. + +Piers told me afterwards that for the first twenty miles never once did +the speedometer's needle fall below seventy-two. He may be right. I +knew that the streets were coming, and the station had to be found. It +was a question, in fact, of stealing time. That which we had already +was not enough. Unless we could pick some out of the pocket of +Providence, the game was up. + +I had to slow down at last for a parcel of stones. The road was being +re-made, and thirty yards of rubble had to be delicately trod. As we +forged through the ruck at twenty, Piers stared at the side of the road. + +"BORDEAUX 16," he quoted. + +Ten more miles--and nineteen minutes to go. + +The traffic was growing now with every furlong. Belated lorries +rumbled about their business: cars panted and raved into the night: +carts jolted out of turnings into the great main road. + +When I think of the chances I took, the palms of my hands grow hot. To +wait for others to grant my request for room was out of the question. +I said I was coming.... I came--and that was that. Times out of +number I overtook vehicles upon the wrong side. As for the frequent +turnings, I hoped for the best.... + +Once, where four ways met, I thought we were done. + +A car was coming across--I could see its headlights' beam. I opened +the throttle wide, and we raced for the closing gap. As we came to the +cross of the roads, I heard an engine's roar.... For an instant a +searchlight raked us.... There was a cry from Berry ... an answering +shout ... the noise of tires tearing at the road ... and that was all. + +A moment later I was picking my way between two labouring waggons and a +trio of straggling carts. + +"BORDEAUX 8," quoted Piers. + +Five more miles--and eleven minutes to go. + +Piers had the plan of the city upon his knees. He conned it as best he +could by the glow of the hooded light. After a moment or two he thrust +the book away. + +"The station's this end of the town. We can't miss it. I'll tell you +when to turn." + +Three minutes more, and our road had become a street. Two parallel, +glittering lines warned me of trams to come. + +As if to confirm their news, a red orb in the distance was eyeing us +angrily.... + +"We turn to the right," said Piers. "I'll tell you when." + +I glanced at the clock. + +The hour was nine minutes past ten. + +My teeth began to chatter of sheer excitement.... + +There was a turning ahead, and I glanced at Piers. + +"Not yet," he said. + +With a frantic eye on the clock, I thrust up that awful road. The +traffic seemed to combine to cramp my style. I swerved, I cut in, I +stole an odd yard, I shouldered other drivers aside, and once, +confronted with a block, I whipped on to the broad pavement and, amid +scandalised shouts, left the obstruction to stay less urgent business. + +All the time I could see the relentless minute-hand beating me on the +post.... + +At last Piers gave the word, and I switched to the right. + +The boulevard was empty. We just swept up it like a black squall. + +Left and right, then, and we entered the straight--with thirty seconds +to go. + +"Some way up," breathed Piers. + +I set my teeth hard and let my lady out.... + +By the time I had sighted the station, the speedometer's needle had +swung to seventy-three.... + +I ran alongside the pavement, clapped on the brakes, threw out the +clutch. + +Piers switched off, and we flung ourselves out of the car. + +Stiff as a sleepy hare, I stumbled into the hall. + +"_Le train pour Paris!_" I shouted. "_Ou est le train pour Paris?_" + +"This way!" cried Piers, passing me like a stag. + +I continued to shout ridiculously, running behind him. + +I saw him come to a barrier ... ask and be answered.... try to push +through.... + +The officials sought to detain him. + +A whistle screamed.... + +With a roar I flung aside the protesting arms and carrying Piers with +me, floundered on to the platform. + +A train was moving. + +Feeling curiously weak-kneed, I got carefully upon the step of a +passing coach. Piers stepped on behind me and thrust me up to the door. + +Then a conductor came and hauled us inside. + + * * * * * + +I opened my eyes to see Adele's face six inches away. + +"Better, old chap," she said gently. + +I tried to sit up, but she set a hand upon my chest. + +"Don't say I fainted?" I said. + +She smiled and nodded. + +"But I understand," she said, "that you have a wonderful excuse." + +"Not for ser-wooning," said I. "Of course we did hurry, but...." + +Piers burst in excitedly. + +"There isn't another driver in all----" + +"Rot," said I. "Jonah would have done it with a quarter of an hour to +spare." + +So he would. + +My cousin would have walked to the train and had a drink into the +bargain. + + * * * * * + +While the train thundered northward through a drowsy world, a council +of five sat up in a _salon lit_ and laid its plans. By far its most +valuable member was Senor Don Fedriani, travelling by chance from +Biarritz to the French capital.... + +It was, indeed, in response to his telegram from Poitiers that, a few +minutes before seven o'clock the next morning, two detectives boarded +our train at the _Gare Austerlitz_. + +Five minutes later we steamed into the _Quai d'Orsay_. + +Jill, carefully primed, was the first to alight. + +Except for Piers, Duke of Padua, the rest of us followed as ordinary +passengers would. It was, of course, plain that we had no connection +with Jill.... + +That Mr. Leslie Trunk should meet her himself was quite in order. +That, having thus put his neck into the noose, he should proceed to +adjust the rope about his dew-lap, argued an unexpected generosity. + +'Yes, he had sent the wire. He had taken that responsibility. How was +Piers? Well, there was plenty of hope.' He patted her delicate hand. +'She must be brave, of course.... Yes, he had just left him. He was +in a nursing-home--crazy to see her. They would go there at once.' + +We all went 'there' at once--including Piers, Duke of Padua. + +Mr. Leslie Trunk, Senor Don Fedriani, and the two police-officers +shared the same taxi. + +'There' we were joined by Mrs. Trunk. + +The meeting was not cordial, neither was the house a nursing-home. I +do not know what it was. A glance at the proportions of the blackamoor +who opened the door suggested that it was a bastile. + + * * * * * + +It was thirty hours later that Berry pushed back his chair. + +It was a glorious day, and, viewed from the verandah of the Club-house, +that smiling pleasaunce, the rolling plain of Billere was beckoning +more genially than ever. + +So soon as our luncheon had settled, we were to prove its promise for +the last time. + +"Yes," said Berry, "puerile as it may seem, I assumed you were coming +back. My assumption was so definite that I didn't even get out. For +one thing, Death seemed very near, and the close similarity which the +slot I was occupying bore to a coffin, had all along been too +suggestive to be ignored. Secondly, from my coign of vantage I had a +most lovely view of the pavement outside the station. I never remember +refuse looking so superb.... + +"Well, I don't know how long I waited, but when it seemed certain that +you were--er--detained, I emerged from my shell. I didn't like leaving +the car unattended, but as there wasn't a lock, I didn't know what to +do. Then I remembered that just as the beaver, when pursued, jettisons +some one of its organs--I forget which--and thus evades capture, so the +careful mechanic removes some vital portion of his engine to thwart the +unauthorised. I had a vague idea that the part in question was of, +with, or from the magneto. I had not even a vague idea that the latter +was protected by a network of live wires, and that one had only to +stretch out one's finger to induce a spark about a foot long and a +shock from which one will never wholly recover.... I reeled into the +station, hoping against hope that somebody _would_ be fool enough to +steal the swine.... + +"Yes, the buffet was closed. Of such is the city of Bordeaux.... When +I recovered consciousness I sought for you two. I asked several +officials if they had seen two gentlemen. Some walked away as if +nettled: others adopted the soothing attitude one keeps for the +inebriated. Upon reflection, I don't blame them. I had a weak case.... + +"At last I returned to the car. Alas, it was still there. I then had +recourse to what is known as 'the process of exhaustion.' In fact, I +found it extremely useful. By means of that process I was eventually +successful in starting the engine, and, in the same elementary way, I +got into top gear. I drew out of that yard with a running backfire +nearly blowing me out of my seat. + +"Well, the general idea was to find a garage. The special one was to +hear what people said when I stopped to ask them the way. The fourth +one I asked was a chauffeur. Under his direction, one first of all +reduced the blinding stammer of the exhaust to an impressive but +respectable roar, and then proceeded in his company to a dairy, a +garage, another dairy and a hotel--in that order. I gave that chap a +skinful and fifty francs.... + +"Yesterday I drove home. I can prove it. All through the trams, like +a two-year-old. I admit I took over six hours, but I lunched on the +way. I trust that two of the poultry I met are now in Paradise. +Indeed, I see no reason to suspect the contrary. So far as I could +observe, they looked good, upright fowls. And I look forward +confidently to an opportunity of apologising to them for their untimely +translation. They were running it rather fine, and out of pure +courtesy I set my foot positively upon the brake. Unfortunately, it +wasn't the brake, but the accelerator.... My recollection of the next +forty seconds is more than hazy. There is, so to speak, a hiatus in my +memory--some two miles long. This was partly due to the force with +which the back of the front seat hit me in the small of the back. Talk +about a blue streak.... Oh, it's a marvellous machine--very quick in +the uptake. Give her an inch, and she'll take a hell of a lot of +stopping. However...." + +"Have you seen Roland?" I said. + +"Yes. He dined last night. I told him you'd broken down his beauty +and that I had administered the _coup de grace_. He quite believed it." + +"What did he say?" said Adele. + +"Since you ask me," said Berry, "I'll give you his very words. I think +you'll value them. 'I tell you,' he said, 'I am very proud. You say +she is done. Well, then, there are other cars in the _usine_. But she +has saved something which no one can buy in the world--the light in a +lady's eyes.'" + +There are things in France, besides sunshine, which are not for sale. + + + + +THE END + + + + +BY THE SAME AUTHOR + + +Published by + +WARD, LOCK AND CO., LTD. + + + BERRY AND CO. + JONAH AND CO. + ADELE AND CO. + AND BERRY CAME TOO + ANTHONY LYVEDEN + VALERIE FRENCH + THE BROTHER OF DAPHNE + THE COURTS OF IDLENESS + AND FIVE WERE FOOLISH + AS OTHER MEN ARE + THE STOLEN MARCH + MAIDEN STAKES + BLIND CORNER + PERISHABLE GOODS + BLOOD ROYAL + FIRE BELOW + SAFE CUSTODY + STORM MUSIC + SHE FELL AMONG THIEVES + SHE PAINTED HER FACE + THIS PUBLICAN + GALE WARNING + SHOAL WATER + PERIOD STUFF + AN EYE FOR A TOOTH + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jonah and Co., by Dornford Yates + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JONAH AND CO. *** + +***** This file should be named 27079.txt or 27079.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/0/7/27079/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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