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diff --git a/27795-h/27795-h.htm b/27795-h/27795-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c62f44 --- /dev/null +++ b/27795-h/27795-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5602 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Apologia Diffidentis, by W. Compton Leith. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + width: 15%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 3em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + color: #BDBDBD; +} + +hr.hr2 { + width: 10%; + margin-top: 2.5em; + margin-bottom: 2.5em; + clear: both; + color: #BDBDBD; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 95%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + color: #C0C0C0; +} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; text-align: center;} + +.image {text-align: center;} + +.block {margin: auto; text-align: center; width: 30%; margin-top: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 1.5em;} + +.poem { + margin: 1em; + text-align: left; + font-size: 96% +} + +.dropcap { + float: left; + font-size: 310%; + line-height: 77%; + padding-right: 2px; + padding-bottom: 1px; +} + +.tnote { + border-style: double; + border-width: 6px; + padding: 1em; + background: #FFFFFF; + text-align: center; + margin-left: 9%; + margin-right: 9%; + font-size: 95%; + border-color: #000000; +} + +.upper {text-transform: uppercase;} + +.minispace {margin-bottom: 1em;} + +.microspace {margin-bottom: .5em;} + +.nanospace {padding-bottom: .25em;} + +.border2 { + border-style: solid; + border-width: 2px; + background: #FFFFFF; + border-color: #000000; + margin-left: 16em; + margin-right: 15.5em; + padding: 1em; +} + +.blockquote {margin-left: 3em; font-size: 95%; padding-top: 1em; padding-bottom: 1em;} + +ins {text-decoration: none;} +// --> +/* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Apologia Diffidentis, by W. Compton Leith + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Apologia Diffidentis + +Author: W. Compton Leith + +Release Date: January 13, 2009 [EBook #27795] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK APOLOGIA DIFFIDENTIS *** + + + + +Produced by Meredith Bach and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="tnote"> +<h3>Transcriber's Note:</h3> + +This book contains a few words in Greek. English transliterations of these words can be viewed by <ins title="like this" style="border-bottom: thin dotted black">hovering</ins> the mouse pointer over them. +</div> + +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="image"><img src="images/ititle.png" width="457" height="92" alt="Apologia Diffidentis" title="" /></div> + +<div class="microspace"> </div> +<div class="image"><img src="images/i_booklist.png" width="349" height="222" alt="BY THE SAME AUTHOR + +Sirenica" title="" /></div> + +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="microspace"> </div> +<div class="image"> +<img src="images/ititle2.jpg" width="328" height="587" alt="Title Page" title="" /></div> +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="border2"> +<h1 style="color: #FF0000;">Apologia<br /> +Diffidentis</h1> + +<h3>By</h3> +<h2><span style="color: #FF0000;">W.</span> <span style="color: #FF0000;">C</span>ompton <span style="color: #FF0000;">L</span>eith</h2> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3><span style="color: #FF0000;">London:</span> John Lane, The<br /> +Bodley Head. <span style="color: #FF0000">New York:</span><br /> +John Lane Company<br /> +<small>MCMXVII</small></h3> +</div> + + +<hr /> +<h2 style="margin-bottom: 2.5em;"><i>Third Edition</i></h2> + +<h3><i>Printed in Great Britain<br /> +by Turnbull & Spears, Edinburgh</i></h3> + + + +<hr /> +<div class="image"><img src="images/i_dedication.png" width="450" height="121" alt="To One +Whose Friendship is beyond Desert +and above Requital" title="" /></div> + + +<hr /> +<div class="minispace"> </div> +<div class="image"><img src="images/i001.png" width="399" height="83" alt="Apologia Diffidentis" title="" /></div> +<div class="microspace"> </div> +<div class="blockquote center">"I am naturally bashful; nor hath conversation, age, +or travel been able to effront or enharden me."</div> + +<div class="smcap"><span style="margin-left: 30em;">Sir Thomas Browne</span></div> +<div class="microspace"> </div> + +<p><span class="dropcap">I</span><span class="upper">n</span> the matter of avowals the diffident<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span> +never speak if they can write. That +is why my apology for a furtive existence +is here set down in solitude instead of +being told face to face. You have borne so +many years with my unresponsive and incomprehensible +ways that shame at last constrains +me to this poor defence; for I must +either justify myself in your sight, or go far +away where even your kindness cannot reach +me. The first alternative is hard, but the +second too grievous for impaired powers of +endurance; I must therefore find what expression +I may, and tell you how my life has +been beshrewed ever since, a boy of twelve, +I first incurred the obloquy of being shy. +The word slips easily from the pen though +the lips refuse to frame it; for I think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span> +most men would rather plead guilty to a +vice than to this weakness.</p> + +<p>A doom of reticence is upon all our shy +confraternity, and we seldom make confidences +even to each other. It is only at +rarest intervals that the spell is lifted, by +silent sympathy, by a smile, by a tear, by I +know not what. At such times our souls +are like those deep pools of the shore, only +open to the sky at lowest tides of still +summer days, only to be approached across +long stretches of wet sand and slippery +shelves of rock. In their depths are delicate +fronded seaweeds and shells tinted with +hues of sundawn; but to see them you must +bend low over the surface, which no lightest +breath must furrow, or the vision is gone.</p> + +<p>Few of the busy toilers of the world will +leave the firm sands to see so little; but +sometimes one weary of keen life will stray +aside, and oftener a child will come splashing +across the beach to peer down with +artless curiosity and delight. Then the +jealous ocean returns, and the still clear +depths are confused once more with refluent +waters; soon the waves are tossing above<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span> +the quiet spot, and the child is gone home +to sleep and forget. I cannot have you +with me at these still hours of revelation; +I must tell my tale as best I can with such +success as fortune may bestow.</p> + +<p>I shall say nothing of the miseries which +embittered the life of the diffident boy. +But I cannot pass in silence the deeper +trouble of earliest manhood, when my soul +first awoke to the dread that though other +clouds might drift westward and dissolve, +one would impend over me for ever. It was +at the university that this vague misgiving +crept upon me like a chill mist, until the +hopes and aspirations of youth were one by +one extinguished, as to a sailor putting out +to sea the comfortable harbour lights vanish +in the wracks of a tempestuous winter +morning. I turned my face away from the +gracious young life amidst which I moved, +like a man possessed of a dark secret to his +undoing. My heart, yet eager for the joy +of living and yearning for affection, was +daily starved of its need as by a power of +deliberate and feline cruelty; and with +every expansive impulse instantly restrained<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> +by this dæmonic force, I was left at last +unresponsive as a maltreated child, who +flings his arms round no one, but shrinks +back into his own world of solitary fancies.</p> + +<p>I think there is no misery so great as that +of youth surrounded by all opportunities for +wholesome fellowship, endowed with natural +faculties for enjoyment, yet repressed and +thwarted at every turn by invincible self-consciousness +and mistrust: surely no lost +opportunities of manhood leave such aching +voids as these. In the spring-time of life +to feel day by day the slow erosion of the +power of joy is of all pains most poignant; +out of it grow anxieties, premature despairs, +incongruous with fresh cheeks and a mind +not yet mature. This misery was mine for +those four years which to most men are +the happiest of a whole career, but to me +at every retrospect seem so beset with +gloomy shadows that could I live my life +again, I would not traverse them once +more for all the gold of Ophir.</p> + +<p>At first I writhed and strained in my +bonds, and sometimes would make timid +advances to the generous young hearts<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> +around me. But the tension always proved +too sore; I never maintained the ground +I had won, and with a perilous fatalism +more and more readily accepted what I +deemed inevitable failure. There were +among them, I doubt it not now, Samaritans +who would have tended my bruised limbs; +but then they all seemed to be gliding over +the black ice, too happy to stay and lift up +the fallen. And bruised though I was, I +still rose time and again and moved painfully +among them, so that theirs was no +culpable or merciless neglect.</p> + +<p>Yet the end for me was illimitable dreariness; +and like Archie in <i>Weir of Hermiston</i>, +I seemed abroad in a world from which +every hope of intimacy was banished. And +as with every month the hopelessness of +resistance was made plainer and plainer, +there came upon me the recklessness of the +condemned man who jests or blasphemes to +hide his ruth. Overwrought continually by +forebodings of coming pain, unstrung by +strange revulsions, I would pass from burning +wrath to cold despair, a most petulant +and undisciplined sufferer. Uniting in one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> +person the physical exuberance of youth +and the melancholy of disillusioned manhood, +I was deprived of the balanced energy +proper to either age, and kept up a braggart +courage with the headiest wine of +literature. I could not bear the bland +homilies of the preachers, but ranged myself +with the apostles of rebellion who blew +imperious trumpet blasts before the walls of +ordered life.</p> + +<p>Verily the violence of the blasts was +sometimes such that the ramparts should +have fallen down; and often in my exaltation +I already saw them totter, as I strode +along reciting the dithyrambs of men who +like myself could find scarce a responsive +heart-beat in all this throbbing world. +Above all I gloried in the declamations of +Queen Mab, which sanctioned by high +poetic authority the waste of my affections +and my moody defiance of life's most +salutary law. With these upon my lips +I roamed, an absurd pathetic figure, amid +the haunts of the Scholar Gipsy, and the +wayward upland breezes conspired with +my truant moods. And while I sat by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> +my lamp late into the night, I turned +the pages of pessimists and cynics, for no +principles are dearer to a man than those +which allow him to profess contempt for +the benefits which he cannot enjoy.</p> + +<p>Yet by seeking amid such simples a balm +for wounded pride, I did not really deceive +myself, but lived as a sophist rather than a +philosopher. And all the while I was +digging graves for my better instincts, until +my sexton's mood, confining me within +churchyard walls, gave me over almost entirely +to the company of mental bats and +owls. The danger of it all was that though +I was yet youthful, and should have been +still pliant as a sapling, I was fostering the +growth of those habits which, like rings in +the grain, are the signature of unyielding +years. Naturalists say that a bullfinch fed +only on hempseed gradually loses his fair +plumage and becomes black as a raven: so +my soul, nourished on thoughts of rebellion, +put off its bright and diverse enthusiasms and +was clothed in the dark garment of despair.</p> + +<p>When the long-desired hour of release +came, and I was free to turn my back upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> +the spires of my prison city, I had already +plumbed an abyss of misery. The very +thought of life in the conflict of the world +was abhorrent; and if I had been of the +Roman Church I should have become a +Benedictine and sought a lettered and +cloistered peace. I despaired of finding +anywhere upon earth the profound quietude, +the absolute detachment, when a chance +occasion seemed to crown my desire, and +blind to all warnings of disillusion, I suddenly +set sail for what I then thought +might be a permanent sojourn in the East.</p> + +<p>Within two months' time the whole +environment of my life was changed, and +I was established on a lonely plantation set +high upon a range of hills whose slopes +were clothed with primeval forests verging +to a tropical sea. My home, a white-walled, +red-roofed bungalow with a great +columned verandah like a temple's peristyle, +lay in the issue of an upper valley threaded +by a clear stream, whence you may look +far down over rolling plains to an horizon +lost in the shimmering heat of noon. Immediately +to the east rose the cone of a great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> +solitary hill, always outlined against the +sky with a majestic isolation that lent it an +almost personal existence, and at the birth of +every day bearing the orb of the rising sun +upon its wooded shoulder. Round about, +in scattered villages of thatched and mud-walled +huts, dwelled brown men of ancient +pagan ways, men who neither knew progress +nor set any price upon time.</p> + +<p>There I entered upon a wholly new +existence as remote from all the social trials +which beset shyness as if it were passed in +some island of the uttermost sea. I had +escaped from a harrying pursuit; I was +free; and to the bliss of this recovered +liberty I abandoned myself, without attempting +to justify my flight to conscience +or forming any scheme for future +years. Like a deer which has eluded the +hounds, I yearned only for rest and long +oblivion of the chase; I wanted to live +woodland days until, all the strain and panic +of the past forgotten, I might rise refreshed +and see a new way clear before me.</p> + +<p>And this first abandonment was a time +of ecstasy. The long tranquil days were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> +crowned by nights of peace yet more +desired. I lay beneath the verandah and +watched the stars in their splendour, not +the pin-points of cold light that pierce our +misty western heavens, but bright orbs in +innumerable companies hovering upon the +tranced earth. Night after night I saw the +incomparable vision; month after month +the moon rose slowly over the high wall of +the jungle, first a great globe imminent +upon the trees, next soaring remote through +the upper heavens, waning at last to a sphere +of pale unquickening light. I would lie +thus for hours motionless, with lulled mind, +until the breeze forerunning the dawn, or +the quavering wail of the jackal, recalled +the startled thought to the prison bonds +of self.</p> + +<p>With the gentle lapse of months all +these impersonal influences took dominion +over me and gave me a quiet happiness +never known before. The nights brought +the greater light; but the days too had +their glories. I would climb the rugged +sides of the mountain, and emerging into +a colder world sit beneath an overhanging<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> +rock and see the hot air quivering over +leagues of plain; while in the nearer +distance, far down beneath my feet, the +rice-fields shone like emerald and the palm-fringed +pools like shields of silver. Or I +would stretch myself at early afternoon on +the close-cropped grass on the jungle-edge, +and watch the opposite sky take on an ever-deeper +blue against the setting sun behind +me. Often at such times I would hear +a rushing in the highest branches, and +turning very silently, see the outposts of +a troop of monkeys peering down through +the gleaming foliage. Then, if I moved, +neither head nor limb, others would come, +and yet others, leaping from branch to +branch and plunging down from higher to +lower levels like divers cleaving a deep +green sea; until at last some slightest +involuntary movement of mine would put +the whole host to flight, and greybeards, +young warriors, camp followers and mothers +with their children on their backs would +spring precipitate from tree to tree, screaming +and gibbering like Homer's sapless +dead. Then, when the stars rushed out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> +and the darkness came on apace, it was sweet +to wander home along those paths so dear +to primitive men in all countries, narrow +paths and sinuous, smoothed by the footfalls +of centuries, winding patiently round every +obstacle and never breaking through after +the brutal manner of civilization. The fire-flies +gleamed in the brushwood on either +hand, and from every side rose that all-pervading +hum of busy insects through +which the tropic forest is never still.</p> + +<p>Amid these surroundings, so peaceful and +so new, my soul was stilled to that <ins title="galênê">γαλήνη</ins> +or ocean-calm which the old Greek philosopher +found the highest good for man. And +month by month the mere material side of +life grew of less moment; the body fretted +the spirit less, but often seemed a tissue of +gossamer lightness through which it could +pass at will, as the breeze through the gleaming +spider-webs upon the bushes at dawn. +There were times when the ideal of the +mystic seemed well-nigh accomplished, when +my body might almost have been abandoned +by the soul for hours upon end. The +words of Emerson seemed to be fulfilled:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> +"By being assimilated to the original soul +by whom and after whom all things subsist, +the soul of man does then easily flow into +all things and all things flow into it: they +mix; and he is present and sympathetic +with their structure and law."</p> + +<p>As I write now amid the roar of London +traffic, I well believe that to men who +have never bathed in eastern moonlight, +the description will sound hyperbolical and +false. But when I think of those old days, +how serene they were, how apart, I let +the words stand: I am not artist enough +to give them a more plausible simplicity. +All conditions that a recluse might crave +seemed now to be fulfilled for my benefit. +The virgin forests and great hills were a +perpetual joy, but there was a tranquil +pleasure in the plantation which man's +labour had reclaimed from these. That +was a meet place indeed for the meditation +of a quiet hour, and no more grateful +refuge can be conceived than such a shady +grove at the height of noon. You must +not fancy an expanse of dusty land lined +with prim rows of plants in the formal style<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +of a nursery garden; but, spread over the +lower slopes of the valleys, spacious woods +of clean, grey-stemmed trees, with overarching +branches thinned to cast a diaphanous +shade over the sea of lustrous dark +leaves below. The shrubs stood waist-high +in serried, commingling ranks, their dark +burnished leaves gleaming here and there +in the sifted rays that found their way +down through the vaults of foliage; the +groves of Daphne had no more perfect +sheen.</p> + +<p>I learned to feel for this gracious place +a love only second to that of the wilder +jungle; for nature thus tamed to work side +by side with man loses indeed her austerer +charm, but not her calm and dignity: +these she brings with her always to be a +glory to the humblest associate of her +labour. Often as I pruned a tree, or +stripped its stem of suckers, I felt the +soothing, quickening influence of this +partnership, and my thoughts turned to +others who had known a like satisfaction +and relief; to Obermann forgetting his +melancholy in the toil of the vintage,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> +plucking the ripe clusters and wheeling +them away as if he had never known the +malady of thought; or to Edward Fitzgerald +out with the dawn among his roses +at Little Grange.</p> + +<p>Amid these high dreams and simple occupations, +time seemed to glide away like a +brimming stream, and the only events that +marked the passing of the years were wayfarings +through the country-side, sojournings +in strange, slumbrous native towns, +expeditions of wider range to old white +ports of Malabar still dreaming of the forgotten +heroes whose story Camoens sang. +After many such journeys the genius of +this oriental land seemed to travel with us, +so familiar did every aspect of this simple +Indian life become. Our equipment was +of set purpose the patriarchal gear of native +fashion; narrow carts with great lumbering +wheels were covered by matting arched +upon bent saplings, and had within a depth +of clean rice-straw on which at night mattresses +were spread. Beneath each yoke +went a pair of milk-white oxen with large +mild eyes and pendulous dewlaps, great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> +beasts of a fine Homeric dignity and worthy +of Nausicaa's wain. They swung along +with a leisurely rolling gait; and if their +silent feet moved too slowly, the sleepy +brown-skinned driver, crouching on the +pole between them, would shame them +into speed by scornful words about their +ancestry, more prompt than blows in their +effect on beasts of ancient and sacred lineage.</p> + +<p>We travelled at night or in the freshness +of early morning, regardless of the hours, +unfretted by the tyrannous remembrances +of appointed times. Milestones passed +slowly, like things drifting, which ask no +attention, and hardly perceived in the +moment of their disappearance, serve only to +enrich and replenish the mind's voluptuous +repose. It was a joy to lie drowsily back +upon the straw, awaiting sleep and looking +out upon the stars through the open back +of the cart, while the fire-flies darted across +the feathery clusters of bamboo, and the +cradling sound of wheels and footfalls called +slumber up out of the darkness. And it +was equal delight to spring from the cart at +first flush of dawn, and see some far blue<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> +hill in the east lined like a cloud with +broadening gold, until the resistless sun rose +a full orb above it, flooding the grey plains +and making the leaves of the banyans gleam +with the lustre of old bronze. But though +the sun was come, we would often press on +for yet three hours, through belts of squirrel-haunted +wood, beside great sheets of water +with wild-duck floating far amidst, and borders +starred with yellow nenuphars, across +groves of mango and plantain trees into +landscapes of tiny terraced plots, where the +vivid green rice-blades stood thick in the +well-soaked earth, and bowed brown figures +diverted to their roots the thread-like rivulet +from the great brown tank above.</p> + +<p>Here would be a wayside shrine, a simple +stuccoed portico with columns streaked in +red, enclosing the sacred emblems with their +offerings of golden marigold, and bearing +upon each corner, carved in dark grey stone, +Siva's recumbent bull. Here millet fields, +with hedges of blue aloe or euphorbias like +seven-branched candlesticks, announced a +place of habitation; soon the village itself +appeared, a long irregular line of white-<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>walled +houses roofed with thatch or tile, +and here and there greater dwellings with +carved balconies and barred verandahs, behind +which impassive white-robed figures +sat and seemed to ponder upon life. On +the right, perhaps, would be a shop all +open to the road, where, cross-legged upon +a kind of daïs, the merchant sat among his +piled wares, unenterprising and unsolicitous, +serenely confident in the balance-sheet of +fate. On the left, in a shady corner, a +barber would be bending over a half-shaven +skull. Everywhere children of every +shade from yellow to deep umber would be +playing solemnly about the ways, turning +upon the passing stranger their grave, unfathomable +eyes.</p> + +<p>Beyond the village there would be a rest-house +maintained for the use of wayfaring +white men, and here we would repose through +the heat of the day, reclining with a book +in rooms shaded with shutters, or with fine +mats drenched from hour to hour with +cooling sprays of water. Then with the +sun's decline we would set out once more, +meeting a file of blue-robed women erect as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +caryatides as they came up from the well, each +bearing upon her back-thrown head a water-jar +of earthen or brazen ware, staying her +burden with a shapely brown arm circled +with bangles of glass and silver. In the +short hours before the darkness, we would +encounter all the types of men which go +to make up Indian country life—the red-slippered +banker jogging on his pony beneath +a white umbrella, the vendor of palm-wine +urging a donkey almost lost beneath the +swollen skins, barefooted ryots with silent +feet and strident tongues, crowds of boys +and children driving buffaloes and cows, all +coming homeward from their labour with +the evening.</p> + +<p>And when these had gone by, and we +rolled on through the scented air of the +silent open country, we would come perhaps +in the gathering darkness to a great +river lapping and murmuring through the +blackened rocks above the ford, and shining +like a glorious path in the light of the rising +moon. Silently, high above the banks, +there would flit through the still air bands +of flying foxes awakened for their nightly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +raid upon the plantain groves; and in the +shadows of the further bank there would +gleam a sudden light, or the echoes of a +hailing voice would rise and then die away. +Steeped in the poetry of all these things +we would cross and emerge upon the +opposite slope to begin the pilgrimage of +the night anew. So to live tranquil days +and unfretful, moving in quiet through a +still land rich in old tradition—this was an +experience of peace which no dreams of +imagination could surpass, a freshness of joy +penetrative as the fragrance of unplucked +wayside flowers.</p> + +<p>Sometimes we would set out on longer +journeys by land and sea, crossing the +wooded ghats and descending to some old +port of historic name, Cochin or Mangalore +or Calicut, white places of old memory, +sleeping by the blue waves as if no Vasco +de Gama had ever come sailing up out of +the West to disturb their enchanted slumber. +The approach to these dreamy shores was +dark and tumultuous, as if nature had +set an initiation of contrasting toil before +the enjoyment of that light and peace. It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> +followed the bed of a mountain stream, which +began in a mere pleat of the hills, tumbling +often in white cascades, and enduring +no boat upon its waters until half its course +was run. But here it challenged man to +essay a fall; for where it burst its way +over rocky slopes were channels jeopardous +and hardly navigable, sequences of foaming +rapids, races of wild water swirling round +opposing boulders, and careering indignant +of restraint between long walls of beetling +rock. Here when the sun had gone down +we would embark with a crew of lithe brown +men in a boat hewn from a single tree, +seamless and stoutly fashioned to be the +unharmed plaything of such rocks and +boisterous waters as these. In these rapids +the river waked to consciousness of mighty +life, tossing our little craft through a riot of +dancing waves, whirling it round the base of +perpendicular rocks set like adamant in the +hissing waters, sweeping it helpless as a petal +down some glassy plane stilled, as it were, +into a concentrated wrath of movement. +The men sprang from side to side, from bow +to stern, staving the craft with a miraculous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> +deftness from a projecting boulder, forcing +her into a new course, steadying her as she +reeled in the shock and strain of the conflict, +while their long poles bent continually like +willow wands against her battered sides. +The steersman stood silent, except when he +shouted above all the din some resonant, +eruptive word of command; the men responded +by breathless invocations to their +gods, relaxing no tense sinew until the pent +waters rushed out into some broad pool +where the eased stream went brimming +silently, gathering new strength in the +darkness of its central deeps.</p> + +<p>At such places the moon would perhaps be +obscured by passing clouds, and we would +land upon an eyot until she shone once more +in a clear heaven. Stretched at length upon +the fine white sand waiting for her return, +we could hear the boom of waters in the +distance calling us on to a renewal of the +conflict. These periods of great stillness, +interposed between tumults past and impending, +had their own refinement of +pleasure as far above the joys of fenced +and covenanted ease as the bivouac of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> +hard campaign surpasses slumber in the fine +linen of a captured city: they brought +the wandering mind into communion with +elemental forces, and seemed to hold it +expectant of supernatural events. In that +interlunar twilight there reigned a solemn +sense of wonder evoked here eternally, one +felt, from the ancient time, with the rustling +of stirred foliage and the voice of those far +waters for its music.</p> + +<p>The lulled reason yielded place to reverie, +and the whole rapt being abandoned itself +like an Orphic worshipper to the guidance of +an unseen mysteriarch. This acquiescence +in the swift succession of calm to fury and +stress, resembled the quiet which may be +conceived to follow sudden death; the +heightened sense of vicissitude in things +summoned up and sustained a solemn mood. +All the while that we lay charmed and half +oppressed in this atmosphere as of an under-world, +the clouds were drawing forward on +their course; and as their last fringe trailed +slowly by and the moon was revealed once +more, the spell was broken in an instant +by human voices calling us to re-embark.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +Again we glided to the verge of tumultuous +falls, again we were flung through foaming +narrows and labyrinthine passages of torn +rocks, until, the last promontory turned +with arrowy swiftness, we shot through a +postern of the granite barrier and bounded +far into still water fringed with trees of +profoundest shadow. We put in to shore, +for this stage of our journey was over; the +dawn was near; the carts stood waiting +on the road. But the influence of the +wonderful night, clinging about us, would +keep us long silent, as if awed by the passing +of ancient Vedic gods.</p> + +<p>I will not describe the later stages of these +journeys: the coasting voyages in restful +ships that seemed built to sail Mæander; +the touchings at old wharfless ports; the +visits to lone temples where Herodotus +would have loved to linger; the rambles on +the slopes of Adam's Peak; the meditations +amid the ruins of Anaradhapura and +Pollanarrua, ancient homes of kings, now +stripped of every glory but that of these +sonorous names—such are the records of +every traveller, and are chronicled to satiety<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +by a hundred hasty pens. A month of +wandering within the fringe of civilization +would be closed by a last week of patriarchal +travel, bringing us back to our remote valley +just as the clouds of the coming monsoon +were ranging in denser ranks along the +evening sky like the tents of a beleaguering +army. Hardly had we time to settle down +for the wet season, see to the stacking of +fire-logs, and be sure that every tile on the +roof was firm in its appointed place, when +the embattled host seemed to break up from +its last camp, and advance upon us along +the whole line that the eye perceived.</p> + +<p>One year I was witness of the first onset, +which came in the late afternoon—an +immediate shock of massed clouds without +throwing forward of skirmishers or any prelude +of the vanguard. Our home looked +down upon a gentle incline of open grassy +land to a broad belt of jungle in the middle +distance; here the undergrowth and small +trees had been newly cleared away, opening +out a dim far view across an uncumbered +leaf-strewn floor into the backward gloom +of the forest. I sat with my eyes fixed upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> +the trees, drawing the rain on with the +whole strength of desire to the parched +country lying there faint with the exhaustion +of three months of drought. While +I watched, the deep line of cloud, at first +distinct from the forest-top along which it +came rolling, insensibly merged with the +foliage, until every contour was lost in a +common gloom, only the great bare stems +below standing pale against the gathering +darkness. There was an intense stillness +everywhere like the silence of expectation +which falls upon an awestruck crowd; the +very insects had ceased their usual song. +And now the ear caught a distant sound, +vague and deep, coming up out of the mid +darkness, and growing to a mighty volume +as a sudden wind swept out from the +sounding foliage into the open land and +searched every cranny of the house as it +passed. Then, as if drawn by the wind, +there came into view among the nearest +tree-stems a moving grey line advancing +with a long roar until it hid the whole +forest from sight: it was the wave of battle +about to break upon us. It came on like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> +a wall, enormous, irresistible; one instant, +and it had devoured the intervening space; +another, and we were lost in the deluge, +and the great rain drops were spilled +upon the roof with the noise of continuous +thunder. As the deep sound reverberated +through the roof above me, I went in exulting +to a hearth piled with blazing logs, +glad in the prospect of renewing for many +weeks old and quiet habitudes of indoor +life, rich with solace of books and tranquil +meditation.</p> + +<hr class="hr2" /> + +<p>I have dwelt upon the outward aspects of +my life in exile, because the sojourn of these +years amid the hills and forests taught a +natural leechcraft which was to stand me in +good stead in coming years, and may stand +in equal stead other souls desolate as mine. +Like the Nile brimming over the fields, a +flood of joy from nature overlaid my parched +being, enriching it with a fertile loam, and +shielding it from the irritations of the world. +I lay fallow beneath the still, sunlit waters, +unharrowed by teasing points of doubt, and +porous to the influence of an all-encom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span>passing +peace. Exile had opened to me a +new heaven and a new earth, whose freshness +and calm charmed thought away from all +vain questionings; the fascination of outward +things had for a while cooled the +useless ardour of introspection. But it was +inevitable that the bland ease of such a +contemplative life should bring no enduring +satisfaction to the mind; it was not an end +in itself, but a mere means to serenity, a +breathing-space useful to the recovery of +a long-lost fortitude. The time was now +come when the hunted deer, refreshed in +the quiet of his inaccessible glen, was to +awake to new thought of the herd, and of +the duties of a common life; when the +peace of successful flight was to appear in +its true light as a momentary release, and +no longer as the ultimate goal imagined in +the anguish of pursuit.</p> + +<p>It was during this last monsoon that +doubts began to stir within, interrupting +my studies of the systems of Hindu philosophy +and my porings over sacred books. +The vague insistence of these misgivings +made me surely aware that even in this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> +eastern paradise all was not well; but at +first I refused to listen, and plunged deep +into the maze of the Vedanta to escape the +importunate voice. Yet anxiety came up +around me like a heavy atmosphere; an +indescribable sense of disillusion, clinging as +a damp mist, brought its mildew to the soul, +until my new heaven was overcast and my +new earth dispeopled of all pleasures. Then +one day the fever struck me down, and of a +sudden my mind became an arena in which +memories of earlier life chased one another +unceasingly in the round of a delirious dance. +Trivial events impressed themselves on consciousness +with strange precision; objects +long forgotten rose before me outlined in fire—one, +a pane of stained glass in Fairford +Church, with a lost soul peering in anguish +through the red bars of hell. Each and +every apparition was of the old life; all were +emissaries from the forsaken West summoning +me back to my renounced allegiance. +When the fever left me, returning reason +slowly brought order amid the welter of +confused ideas, as the ants sorted the grain +for distracted Psyche, and for the first time<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> +I considered in the detachment of reminiscence +the nature of my action in leaving +England. I sifted the evidence at length as +I lay under the verandah slowly recovering +strength; and when at last judgment was +delivered, it took the necessary form of condemnation.</p> + +<p>I saw now that unless a man is prepared +to discard every western usage, to +slough off his inherited cast of thought, +to renounce his faith, wholly and finally +to abandon his country and his father's +house, his flight is but the blind expedient +of cowardice or pride. Here and there may +be born one who can so cut himself off +from the parent stem as to endure a fruitful +grafting upon an oriental stock, but I knew +that I at least was none such. I was no +more prepared for so uncompromising a +renunciation than any other weakling who +seeks prestige by parade of exotic wisdom, +and deems himself a seer if he can but +name the Triad, or tell the avatars of Vishnu, +I had not the credulity which may justify +the honest renegade, and the western blood +still ran too warmly in my veins. I felt<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +that were I to stay in the East for fifty years, +I should never reach the supreme heights of +metaphysical abstraction whence men really +appear as specks and life as a play; therefore +to remain was to avow myself a runaway +and to live henceforth despicable in my own +eyes. For over the unfathomable deep of +oriental custom the torrent of our civilization +flows unblending, as in the Druid's +legend the twin streams of Dee flow clear +through Bala lake, and never mingle with +its waters. Not for our use is that intricate +mind which in logic needs more than two +premises to a conclusion, and in art is intolerant +of all void space, entangling its +figures in labyrinths of ornament which +Maya herself might have devised to distract +the sight from truth.</p> + +<p>The Hindu has the true dignity of contemplation, +and superbly removes himself +from the sordid greeds of life. But in +imagining and reviling an abstraction called +Matter, he abides in the errors of the first +Greek sages, and mines so far beneath the +trodden earth that when he looks up into +middle day he sees only the stars above him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> +Could I have shared the eremite's belief +that his prayers help not merely his own +solitary soul but all souls travailing through +all the world, I might yet have remained +where I was, an alien living indifferent to +the common rule, like a monk of some +shunned exotic order. But with convictions +like mine, to do so would have brought the +drear sense of derogation. All the miseries +of the past were as nothing to that; there +was but one manly course—to return and +gird my loins for a new struggle with western +life. Within a month from the time when +this course was seen to be a duty, I was +standing on the deck of a homeward-bound +steamer, watching the harbour lights recede +into the distance.</p> + +<hr class="hr2" /> + +<p>Back once more in England, I threw +aside the clinging robe of meditation, and +falling upon work ravenously, indulged what +genius of energy was still alive within +me. I made haste to adore all that I had +so lately burned, making life objective, +revering personal ideals, and in the ordinance +of material things finding the truest<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> +satisfaction of all endeavour. I saw in +civilization the world's sole hope; its brisk +life and abounding force took sudden hold +of a fancy enervated by dreams. Again I +found a new heaven and a new earth, +though earth was now no more than man's +dinted anvil, and heaven his reservoir of +useful light. I lived for action and movement; +I mingled eagerly with my fellows, +and cursed the folly which had driven me +to waste three years in an intellectual swoon. +Now the day was not long enough for work, +Lebanon was not sufficient to burn. I saw +the western man with race-dust on his +cheeks, or throned in the power-houses of +the world, moving upon iron platforms and +straight ladders in the mid throb and tumult +of encompassing engines. One false step, +and he must fall a crushed and mutilated +thing. Yet unconcerned as one strolling +at large, he controlled the great wheels +and plunging pistons, and brought them +to a standstill with a touch of his finger. +The confidence and strenuous ease of such +life compelled me to marvel and admire, +and I who had so lately lain at the feet of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +eastern sages, set up this mechanician as +my god. If I looked back at all to the +land of dreams, the placid figure beneath +the Tree of Enlightenment took on the +aspect of a fool's idol, ignobly self-manacled, +pitiful and irksome in remembrance.</p> + +<p>But if once more I dreamed of finality +in change I deceived myself, forgetting +that God Himself cannot unmake the past +or undo what is done. A year had hardly +gone by in this new apprenticeship to life, +when at moments of weariness or overstrain +sharp doubts shot through me and +were gone again, like twinges of sudden +pain recalling old disease to one who +has lulled himself with dreams of cure. +The feeling of fellowship with men grew +weaker, and as it waned I began to shrink +once more from my kind. I still believed +myself happy, but happiness seemed to +need constant affirmation, as though it +could make no way in my favour without +display of token or credential to confirm its +truth. There were pauses in the clatter +and jangle of life; the revolutions of the +great wheels sometimes slowed into silence;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> +and as these interludes grew more frequent, +I caught myself repeating that I really was +content. The faint assurance given, I flung +myself with devouring industry upon my +allotted task, trying to stifle the forebodings +which prophesied against my peace.</p> + +<p>In one such pause my old self appeared +before me again, like the face of an ancient +enemy looking in from the darkness; +stealthy footfalls which of late I had so +often seemed to hear were now referred +to their true cause as we saw each other +eye to eye. The old Adam had awakened +and was come for his inheritance; and the +vision of him there across the pane gazing +in upon his own, seemed to arraign me +for disowning a brother and denying his +indefeasible right. I recognized that with +this familiar form cold reason had returned +to oust the hopes and emotions which had +usurped her office. My rush for freedom +had ended, as such sallies often do, in exhaustion, +capture and despair; upon the +thrill and thunder of the charge followed +the silence of the dungeon and the anguish +of stiffening wounds. The truth, so simply<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +written that a child might have spelled it, +lay clear before me: I had left reformation +till too late. I was too old to change.</p> + +<p>Even a few years before, I might have +dashed out, like Marmion, from the prison-fortress; +but now the opportunity was past +and the portcullis was down. My character +with all its faults was formed within me; +and the very years which I had passed in the +wilderness, instead of averting the danger, +had set the final seal upon my fate, for +when a man has reached a certain point in +life he is intractable to the reforming hand. +But though at last I knew myself beaten, +and helpless in the hands of an implacable +power, I fluttered like a wounded bird and +sought wildly for a loophole of escape. I +could no longer hope to stand alone against +destiny; that conceit was gone: could I +find a comrade to help me through the +press and lift me when I fell? But here +the invincible pride of shyness barred the +way, forbidding alike any confession of +weakness or any appeal to man's compassion. +I could not bring myself to say: I am unable +to rule my life, do you undertake it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> +for me. Was marriage a conceivable path +of redemption? I had never envisaged it +before, but now, in my desperation, I +dreamed it for a moment a possible issue. +I even fixed upon the person who should +thus save me from myself, and beguiled +many lonely hours by picturing her charms +and enumerating her noble qualities.</p> + +<p>She lived in a country house where I +had been several times a guest, and she +had one of those faces which, in Gray's +beautiful expression, speak the language of +all nations. Her features had that sunny +charm which thaws mistrust; she was +dowered with all graces and sweet qualities; +and you could no more have doubted the +immanent nobility of her nature than you +could have dreamed a stain in the texture +of a white petal. And with all her gentleness +there was present I know not what +sign and promise of strength, waking in +those who saw her an intuitive trust in +loyalty of uttermost proof. She would +have flamed indignant against evil, but +only evil could have moved her from that +equal poise of soul which made her entrance<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> +into a room the prelude to higher thoughts +and finer feelings. She was naturally kind +without consciousness of a mission, neither +seeking to enslave nor enfranchise, but by +a silent outflowing of goodness ennobling +whatever company she was in. Nor was +her tongue the prattling servant of her +beauty, but a guide of cheerful converse; +for just as she charmed without device +or scheme of fascination, so she possessed +the art of speaking well without seeming +to have ever studied it. In the chase after +just and felicitous ideas, she could lead or +follow over the most varied fields with the +intuition of the huntress born. With all +these excellences, her wit, her sincerity, her +ardour for all things bright and true, she +had no conceit of herself but kept her +father's house in gladness and loved the +country-side.</p> + +<p>To her, in these days of imminent dismay, +my thoughts flew out as to a fair protecting +saint; until the inspiration of her visionary +presence wrought in my fancy with such a +dramaturgic power, that I seemed to walk +daily with her, and to know all those delicate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> +and sweet propinquities by which liking +passes into affection and affection is glorified +into love. So far did these happy day-dreams +carry me, that they brought me to +the extreme of imaginary bliss, and poured +out for me the wine of untempered joy +which thrills the hearts of lovers on the +verge of their betrothal. The dreams that +followed that magic draught denied me +no convincing touch of circumstance, and +projected upon a credible and familiar +scene the bright possibilities to which fate +denied a real existence. The scene was +always the same, and the words and movements +which entranced me followed each +other with almost religious exactitude of +detail which the adult demands of his +day-dreams and the child of the fairy-tale +he loves.</p> + +<p>It was always a June afternoon when we +went out together, into the meadows near +her home; she moving with fluent grace +as befitted a daughter of the woods, her +eyes indrawing joy from all nature, her +hair reflecting rich gold of the sunlight, her +whole face lit with the pleasure of a bright<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +hour; I a mere satellite attendant upon +its central star. We strolled through the +four home-meadows, crossed a high-banked +lane and a dingle with a brook running +down it, and then from an open common +flooded with sunlight passed into a wood of +tallest beeches. In that cool, shadowy place +the sun, searching a way through crannies +in the upper verdure, chequered with +patches of silver light the even mast-strewn +floor. The multitude of smooth grey stems +rose aligned like cathedral columns; and the +grateful dimness of the wood, succeeding the +glare of day, wakened a sense of purposed +protection and quietude pervading all things, +which soothed the mind with the illusion +that this was a sacred spot appointed for an +offering of souls. Near one of those isles +of sunlight we lingered; and as she looked +up to the source of light, the movement +brought her face near the slanting shaft of +rays, until there was set round it an aureole +of dancing beams. It seemed to me at this +part of my dream that there came to both +of us some gracious influence, for as her +eyes met mine they dropped again, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> +were fixed for a moment upon the wild +flowers she carried. Then my heart began +to beat and my whole being to grow greater: +impassioned words, to that hour unconceived, +came rushing to my lips; the fire +and glory of a new manhood were kindling +in me to the transformation of my nature—when, +in the very moment of utterance, +a sheer barrier of doom descended between +me and my joy; the fire was quenched, +and my soul was poured out within me.</p> + +<p>To this fatal point my fancy always +brought me and no further, that coming +thus to the threshold of the house of joy +and hearing the bars shoot into their sockets +I might thoroughly know my ineffectual self +and leave untouched the forbidden latch. +So far I came in my dream times without +number; and always on the verge of joy +there came that doom, and the shooting of +those adamantine bolts.</p> + +<p>Yet all the while I wove it, I knew that +this texture of dreams must soon be drawn +aside, and like the curtain in the tragedy +reveal at last the horror concealed within. +Such brooding was but the deception of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> +reluctant spirit dallying and delaying with +any trifle by the way to put off the arrival +at the hill of evil prospect. At last I +learned the lesson of this abrupt ending to +the dream at the point of full disillusion; +it forced itself upon me with the power of +an oracular utterance warning me to cease +my palterings with fate. My reason now +rebuked me like a stern judge, dissecting all +false pleas and laying bare their weakness. +What right had I, now knowing myself +incurable, even to dream of easing my own +pain by darkening and despoiling a second +life? The love of solitude was now more +to me than even the love of a wife; it +would surely come between us like a strange +woman, and fill a pure heart with bitterness. +No smiling hopes of a possible redemption +could annul the immutable decree, and if +I disobeyed the warning, guilt as well as +misery would be mine; for he is pitiful +indeed who only weds that his wife may +suck the poison from his wounds. If I +married I should stand for ever condemned +of an unutterable meanness. So I dispelled +my dreams and looked reality in the face.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> + +<p>It was a dismal prospect that lay before +me. Until then the future had held its +possible secrets, its imaginable revelations +of change, which, like the luminous suggestions +in dark clouds, allured with a promise +of a brief and penetrable gloom. In my +darkest hours I had lulled fear by the +thought of a haply interposing Providence, +and drifted on from day to aimless day +nursing the hope of some miraculous release +upon the very steps of the scaffold. But +now I was twice fallen; and as a man +abandoned by the last illusion of deliverance +calls ruin to him, and in the new leisure +of despair calmly scans the features at which +but now he dared not glance, so I saw as in +a hard grey light the true outlines of my +destiny. The wreathing mist, the profound +soft shadows, the clouds with their promise +of mutability, were now all gone, leaving +the bare framework of a world arid and +severe as a lunar landscape.</p> + +<p>I seemed to be sitting in the dust, as +in inmost Asia a sick man may crouch +abandoned, while the caravan in which all +his earthly hopes are centred goes inex<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>orably +upon its way. The blue sky flushes +to deep purple before him; night falls; +all colour is swallowed up in darkness, until +the jingling camel-bells receding up the +pass cross the dividing ridge, and for him +the last silence is begun. Such then was +the end of youthful ambition: for food a +mouthful of ashes instead of the very +marrow of joy; for home not the free +ocean, but a stagnant pool ringed with +weeping willows, a log's fit floating-place. +Here to float, marking the weed creep +onward until all from bank to bank was +overfilmed, and there remained no clear +water of space for reflection of a single +star: to float, and feel the sodden fibres of +life loosening in slow decay—this was to be +the last state of the seedling which had +sprung up on the mountain slopes with +promise of mighty stem and overarching +branches full of sap like the cedars of the +Lord.</p> + +<p>My life henceforth was to be ringed +round and overhung with so heavy an air +that joy and fancy should never fly in it, +but fall dead as the birds above Avernus<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> +according to the ancient story. I seemed +to see nothing upon the path of the future +but the stern form of Renunciation drawing +between me and the living world the +impassable circle of death in life, the <i>ultima +linea rerum</i>. It was the last decree, the irrevocable +sentence, the absolute end: and +I had not yet reached half the Psalmist's +span; I had not yet forgotten the lost +summer mornings when the breeze scented +with lilac came blowing through the casement, +bearing with it the sound of glad +voices welcoming the day.</p> + +<p>Philosophers are prone to gird at the +animal in man, accusing it of dragging the +soul down to the mire in which it wallows. +They forget that by its brutal insistence +upon physical needs it often preserves from +madness, and timely arrests him who goes +like a sleep-walker upon the verge of the +abyss. Weariness and hunger are like brakes +upon the car; they stop the dire momentum +of grief, and insure that if misery will again +drive us furiously, she must lash winded +steeds anew. But what force should stay a +disembodied sorrow, which unbreathed by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> +period or alternation of despair, should be +rapt onward in the whirlwind and the hurricane, +gathering eternally a fresh impetus of +woe? Let us rail at the body for its weakness +if we will, but prize it also for its restraint +of the distracted mind. In the worst hour +of my dejection it was the body which +called the lost reason home. I became +hungry and ate, hardly knowing what I +did; I slept exhaustion away; and after +many hours awoke with clearer eyes, grateful +to the weak flesh, and ready in its company +to face life once more, a defeated but not +a desperate man. I was glad to be thus reminded +that the body could play this helpful +part, and my gratitude for its timely rescue +taught me in after days to endure its +tyranny with a better grace. In the interlude +between despair and new effort, I +once more turned a dispassionate gaze +upon myself, as upon some abandoned +slave of a drug; and maintaining an attitude +of half-amused detachment, sought +by a diagnosis of my case to establish the +real causes of my failure to lead a normal +life.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> + +<p>At the outset I would make it clear that +for me the only shyness that counts, is +that which is so deeply ingrained, as to +have outlasted youth. It may, indeed, be +physically related to that transient bashfulness +which haunts so many of us in our +younger days only to vanish at maturity, +swift as the belated ghost at cockcrow. +But unlike this common accident of growth, +it is no surface-defect, but an inward stain +which dyes the very fibres of the being. +It may, indeed, be somewhat bleached and +diminished by a timely and skilful treatment, +but is become too much a part of +life to be ever wholly washed away. And +the unhappy step-children of nature whose +inheritance it is, seldom find a deliverer +good at need; for as the world draws +no distinction between their grave affliction +and that other remediable misery of +youth, it will sanction no other treatment +than banter or mockery, which does but +infuse yet more deeply the mournful dye. +When this fails, it leaves its victims to the +desolation which according to its judgment +they have wilfully chosen; for the most<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> +part ignoring their existence, but often +chastising them with scorpion-stings of +disdain. Yet the subjects of this scorn, +sufferers as I believe from a hereditary +tendency matured by neglect into disease, +deserve a more merciful usage than this, +and their plea for extenuating circumstances +should not be too impatiently rejected. For +in them what is to most men a transient +ailment has thrown down permanent roots +to draw a nourishment from pain: and he +who is fortunate enough to be whole +should think twice before he makes sport +of those in this distress.</p> + +<p>To me this malady seems to arise from +an antinomy between the physical and intellectual +elements of the personality, from +an unhappy marriage of mind and body, +suffering the lower of the two partners to +abase the life of the higher by the long-drawn +misery of a hateful but indissoluble union. +When the physical and mental natures in +a man are happily attuned, there is a fair +concord in his life and the outward expression +of his being is an unimpeded process, +to which, as to the functions of a healthy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> +organism, no heedful thought is given. If +both natures are of the finest temper, they +find utterance in a noble amiability and ease +of manner; if both are coarse in the grain, +they blend in a naïve freedom always sure +of itself, the freedom of Sancho spreading +himself in the duchess's boudoir. Between +these two extremes there intervene a +hundred compromises by which minds and +bodies less equally yoked contrive to muffle +the discordant notes of an inharmonious +wedlock.</p> + +<p>In most cases use gives to this politic +agreement the peace and permanence of +settled habit; the body proves itself so +far amenable that it is accepted as a needful +if uninspiring companion, and its plain +usefulness ends by dulling the edged criticisms +of the mind. But wherever there is +a permanent incompatibility too profound +for compromise, an elemental difference +keeping the personality continually distraught, +then shyness, in the sense in which +I understand it, assumes its inalienable +dominion. The flame of rebellion may +smoulder unobserved while the sufferer is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> +in his own home, but among strangers it +will blaze fiercely, as the mind protests +against the misinterpretations of its unworthy +partner. This burning shame is +not the proof of a foolish conceit, as unsympathetic +criticism proclaims it, but the +visible misery of a keen spirit thwarted by +physical defect. The man who manifests +it is angered with himself because through +a physical hindrance he has failed to take +the place which would otherwise be his. +He is proud, it may be, but not fatuous; for +shyness as a rule implies a comparative +quickness and alertness of intellect: its +exceeding sensibility is exclusive of dulness; +and it is frequently due to the presence in +a reluctant body of a mind endowed with +active powers.</p> + +<p>Inasmuch as diffidence appears where the +subtler formalities of life are compulsory, +it is clear that it essentially belongs to +the class called gentle, for this class alone +enforces that exacting code of etiquette to +which our discomfiture is so largely due. +Shyness has seldom place in the patriarchal +life where men live, "sound, without care,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> +every man under his own vine or his own +fig-tree," nor among those who, perforce +pursuing a too laborious existence, have no +leisure for superficial refinements. Though +here and there you may find a Joseph Poorgrass, +it is rare among the simple; it is not +a popular weakness, and therefore wins no +popular sympathy. Such is its first social +limitation: it is almost restricted to the +classes which are outwardly refined.</p> + +<p>But it has another limitation of equal +importance which may be described as +climatic; for this malady is not found in +equal degrees all over the habitable globe. +There are many lands where it hardly +exists at all even among the class which is +alone liable to it; and in its serious form it +is found only over a small part of the earth. +There are many causes which conduce to +this partial distribution. In one country +manners are not minutely schooled, women +being held of secondary account, and men +content without subtlety; in another, life +is in itself too primitive to devise the +artifices of refinement; in a third, the +fundamental disunion between the mind<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> +and the physical organism is prevented by +the kindly hand of nature. For these +reasons all the savage world, all the East, +and the whole of southern Europe have +little knowledge of the diffident, and what +zoologists would call the area of distribution +of the species is confined within narrow +geographical limits.</p> + +<p>It is in fact chiefly in the north and west +of our own continent that the haunts of +the diffident are to be found, for there +alone are all the conditions necessary to +their maintenance fulfilled—a society sufficiently +leisured and wealthy to have elaborated +conventional rules of intercourse, the +assemblage of both sexes upon an equal +footing, and a climate which exaggerates +the antagonism between the quick mind +and the unresponsive body. Here the cold +humid airs have produced a race with great +limbs and great appetites, but compensated +these gifts by a certain unreadiness in the +delicate encounter of wits and graces. To +these impassive natures all displays of the +personality are distasteful, and the lighter +social arts, seeming both insignificant and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> +histrionic, are learned with difficulty and +practised with repugnance. An awkwardness +of address, in the uneducated almost +bovine, becomes in the cultivated a painful +reserve and self-consciousness, reflecting in +open physical distress the uneasiness of the +man's whole being.</p> + +<p>And among the northern nations which +are thus afflicted England has achieved +an undesirable supremacy, having herself +smoothed the path of her eminence by a +school system which withdraws her youth +from female influences during the years +when the tendency to reserve may be +combated with a certain hope of success. +It would ill become one who has never +recovered from the effects of such deprivation +to assume on the ground of his own +narrow experience any wide dissemination +of similar defects among his countrymen; +his testimony would be received with +suspicion, and he would be condemned +as one who to justify himself would drag +others down to his own poor level. Let +me therefore place myself on surer ground +by calling as a witness an impartial observer<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> +from another country, one exceptionally +trained in the analysis of national temperament +and conduct.</p> + +<p>When M. Taine visited England towards +the close of the nineteenth century one of +the first things to attract his notice was +the bashfulness which he encountered in +unexpected places. He was surprised to +meet travelled and cultured men who were +habitually embarrassed in society, and so +reserved that you might live with them +six months before you discovered half their +excellent qualities. To unveil their true +nature there was needed the steady breeze +of a serious interest or the hurricane of +perilous times; the faint airs of courtliness +could not stir the heavy folds that hung +before their hearts. These strong men +could not join in delicate raillery, but +shrank back afraid; as if a tortoise, startled +by a shower of blossoms, should withdraw +into that thick carapace which can bear +the impact of a rock. There was one who +stammered pitifully in a drawing-room, but +the next day sought the suffrages of electors +with an unembarrassed and fluent eloquence,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> +so proving that his failure came not of folly +or cowardice, but from lack of training in +a certain school of fence. He needed the open +air for the play of his broadsword; and to his +hand, apt to another hilt, the foil appeared +a woman's weapon. Speaking of high aims +and national ideals, he moved in a large +place oblivious of himself; but in the +social arena he tripped with timid steps, +like a man essaying an unfamiliar dance. +On the platform he had the enthusiasm +and confidence of an orator; on the carpet +he could not string three sentences in any +courtly language.</p> + +<p>In the North the art of mercurial +dialogue, which in the South is a natural +gift, is only learned under favourable conditions, +and is often condemned by those +who have it not, as a popinjay's accomplishment. +Immediate cordiality to +strangers is frowned upon as tending to +divorce courtesy from truth. It is otherwise +with the southern peoples. While +the Englishman conceals his benevolence by +a frigid aloofness of manner, or blurts out +friendliness like an indiscretion, the Italian<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> +is courtly without a second thought, and +the Frenchman seems the comrade of a +chance acquaintance from the moment +when he has taken his hand. They are +amiable without effort in the security of a +harmonious nature, and if they encounter +diffidence at all, observe it like an anthropologist +confronted with a survival of +primitive times in the culture of a civilized +age.</p> + +<p>Taine did not err when he found +the home of shyness among the Teutonic +peoples; he saw that it flourishes in climatic +conditions acting hardly upon a vigorous +race, and only allowing it to cultivate ease +of manner by effort and outlay, just as they +only allow it to raise under glass the grapes +and oranges which more favoured peoples +can grow in the open air. He saw too +that this pain of diffidence becomes more +subtle as the progress of culture makes us +more sensitive to vague impressions from +our environment, and tunes the nerves to +a higher pitch. A shy nature upon this +plane of susceptibility suffers anguish from +an uncontrollable body; and even in peace<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span>ful +moments the memory of the discomfitures +so inflicted may distort a man's +whole view of the world around him. He +is impatient of the wit which demands a +versatility in response beyond his powers, +and persuades himself into contempt of +those ephemeral arts to which his nature +cannot be constrained. Irritated at the +injustice which places so high in the general +scale of values accomplishments which he +cannot practise, shrinking from the suave +devices of gesture and expression which in +his own case might quickly pass into antic +or grimace, he withdraws more and more +from the places where such arts win esteem +to live in a private world of inner sentiment. +As he leaves this sure retreat but rarely +himself, so he forbids ingress to others; and +becoming yearly a greater recluse, he confines +himself more and more within the +walls of his forbidden city. The mind which +may have been fitted to expand in the free +play of intellectual debate or to explore the +high peaks of idea, loses its power of flight in +this cave where it dwells with a company +of sad thoughts, until at last the sacrifice<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> +is complete and the perfect eremite is +formed.</p> + +<p>But the virile Teutonic spirit does not +suffer things to reach this ultimate pass +without stubborn resistance, and this is +one reason why shyness is often so conspicuous, +seeming deliberately to court an +avoidable confusion. Over and over again +it forces the recalcitrant body back into +the arena, preferring repeated humiliation +to a pusillanimous surrender. People often +wonder at the recklessness with which +the shy expose themselves to disaster, forgetting +that in this insistence of a soul +under discomfiture, there is evidence of a +moral strength which is its own reward. +What discipline is harder than that which +conscientious diffidence imposes upon itself? +To stand forth and endure, though every +instinct implores retreat, is a true assertion of +the higher self for the satisfaction of imperious +duty. Such deliberate return towards +suffering is no cowardice, but a triumph over +weak flesh; and the awkward strife of diffidence +may often prove a greater feat of arms +than the supple fence of self-possession.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> + +<p>Like the physical obstacles, the mists, +the snows and bleak winds, which have +hardened the fibre of northern men, diffidence +as an obstacle to ease has its place +among the causes of strong character; and +those who appear at a first glance weak and +ineffectual as Hamlet, will often in the +light of knowledge be found guided by the +most inflexible moral determination. They +see, as in a mirage, peace supreme and +adorable, but may not tread the hermit's +path that leads to her dwelling. Only a +religious vow might justify the abandonment +of the human struggle, and even that +appears desertion. The stern genius of the +North grudges immurement, even to great +piety, remembering that Christ himself +remained but forty days in the desert and +then returned to deliver the world. If he +had remained there all his life, and never +met the Pharisees and high-priests, our forefathers +would have rejected his law. For +this reason there can be no more rest for +the shy than for starving Tantalus; for +this reason my flight into the East had +been foredoomed to failure.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> + +<p>If shyness is thus affected by climate and +geography, its birth and growth are also +conditioned by historical causes. Just as +it is the peculiar failing of northern and +western peoples, so it is the creation of +comparatively modern times; it had no +place among the classified weaknesses of +men until these peoples began in their +turn to make history.</p> + +<p>In Greece, where limb and thought were +consentient in one grace of motion, the +body was too perfect an expression of the +mind to admit any consciousness of discord; +the greater simplicity of a life passed largely +in the open air, left no place for awkwardness +in the franker converse of man with +man. Moreover the seclusion of women +rendered unnecessary that complicated code +of manners which the freer intercourse of +the sexes has built up in later times as a +barrier against brutality or the unseemly +selfishness of passion. In Greece the words +of the witty and the wise could be heard +in the market-place; good conversation +was not for the few alone; and the common +man might of unquestioned right approach<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> +the circle of Socrates or Plato. The sense +of community was everywhere, overthrowing +reserve, and propitious to the universal +growth of fellowship.</p> + +<p>In the Roman world things were changed; +there were more closed doors and courts +impenetrable of access. Insignia of office, +gradations of wealth and rank, sundered +those of high estate from classes which now +acknowledged their own inferiority; privacies, +exclusions, distinctions innumerable, +altered the face of public life as the easy +<i>mos majorum</i> was confined by the ordinances +of encroaching fashion. It was now that +women began to be cast for leading parts +upon the great stage of life. Under the +Empire, by the rapid removal of her disabilities +the Roman matron achieved a +position of independence which made her, +according to her nature, a potent force of +good or evil. It was now that the intricate +threads of social prescription were woven +into that ceremonial mantle which was +afterwards to sit so uneasily on the shoulders +of barbarian men.</p> + +<p>But the time for shyness was not yet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +come, for Italy is a sunny land where clear +air makes clear minds, blandly or keenly +observant of the world, and never impelled +by onset of outer mists and darkness to tend +a flickering light within themselves. There +was melancholy, high and stately, such as +Lucretius knew, when he went lonely among +the homesteads or along the shore; but it +was too exalted to be one with diffidence, +for he who will hold the sum of things in +his thoughts walks on clouds above the +heads of men, free of all misgiving. Perhaps +beyond the Alps, in some Rhætian upland +where Roman dignity was interfused with +old barbaric roughness, the first signs of our +malady were perceived and the first ancestor +of all the shy was born. But even yet the +time was not ripe, nor the place prepared. +Christianity had to come, turning men's +eyes inwards and proclaiming the error of +the objective pagan way. A new feeling, +the sense of personal unworthiness before +God, spreading through the Roman world, +now stirred mankind to still communing +with themselves, and sanctioned the stealing +away from the noisy festivals of life. By<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> +enjoining a search into the depths of the +heart, it encouraged the growth of a self-consciousness +hitherto unknown. It was +not always a panic of contrition, sweeping +the joyous out of the sunlight into a monastic +shade, which brought the troubled into a +new way of peace, but sometimes a quiet +joy in renunciation, congruous with a timid +mood, leading by gradual allurement to +cloisters of shadowy lanes and cells which +were forest bowers. The new faith gave +open sanction to evasion of the banquet, +and thus fortified and increased those who +loved not the ceremonial day. The spirit +of solitude, no more a mænad, but a nun, +sheltered earth's children in the folds of +her robe, and no man said her nay.</p> + +<p>Moreover, Christianity quickened the force +of that feminine influence which Rome had +first set flowing through the civilized world, +but diverted the stream from irregular and +torrential courses into a smooth channel +gliding amid sacred groves. It clothed +woman with ideal grace and virtue, and +perceived in her powers which the virile +mind could never wield. "Inesse quin<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span>etiam +sanctum aliquid et providum putant, +nec aut consilia earum aspernantur, nec +responsa negligunt." So our ancestors held +in the northern woods, and Christianity, +purifying and expanding their belief, fulfilled +it with a new perfection.</p> + +<p>But this gradual binding of all men's +limbs in silken cords of reverence, making +a rude world civil, was now to inaugurate +for diffidence its miserable career. Through +the rough deference of the German camp, +through the Provençal code of <i>courtoisie</i>, +up to the modern law of fine manners, the +drudge and chattel of the primeval tribe +has risen to impose her law upon the modern +world. Earth is better for this finer power, +but social intercourse is less sincere. For +woman, having curbed the brute man by +conventional restraints of outward demeanour, +has made human intercourse smooth +and seemly, but imposed upon mankind the +wearing of unnatural masks. Before the +multitude of locked souls with labels of +smiling faces the sensitive nature feels itself +mocked, and is soon distraught. It cannot +suffer convention gladly for an ultimate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> +good, but is chilled by this everlasting +urbanity, which must, it fancies, be compact +of irony and conceal a disingenuous +soul.</p> + +<p>All this finished science of illusion is like +an east wind to the confidences of the shy, +and if they stay within its range they are +blighted before their hearts have time to +unfold. They long for a less biting air, for +vernal hours in sheltered dells, where without +sheaths and unguarded the hearts of +flowers lie open to their neighbours and to +heaven. There was once a simple day when +religion set hearts interflowing, but now it +can melt them only within the precincts; +the fire which is carried from the altar is +dead at the church door. The brotherliness +of those early days is indeed often found in +humble walks of life, but these we cannot +continually tread, because our intellectual +and artistic tastes find there no sufficient +nurture. Among the cultured a cold convention +often reigns, behind which only a +more persistent nature than ours can pass. +Unless, therefore, we find our way into some +circle of gentle scholars or lovers of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> +beautiful quite simple in their tastes, a +thing possible but not often granted by +a niggard fortune, we are perforce thrown +back upon our own company, and move +towards the grave alone. For this we +accuse none; nothing is more at fault than +our own constitution. But to us society is +a school of dames, who are not to be blamed +if amid the crowd that clamours for their +teaching, they find no time for the backward +scholar. We are the dunces of the school, +and are dismissed without learning the +accomplishments set forth upon the prospectus. +That is why in our northern streets +so many seeming hats are cowls.</p> + +<p>In England the loss of congenial intercourse +is perhaps more certain than in other +lands. For through his national reserve the +highly-cultured Englishman has a cold perfection +of good breeding to which heartiness +is vulgarity; he emanates intimidation, and +in courtesy is rather studious than spontaneous, +seldom genial but in an ancient +friendship. If you knew him to the concealed +heart, and were suffered to assay the +fine metal beneath this polished surface, you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> +would win a golden friendship; but only +on a desert island would he permit the +operation. To the shy who may encumber +his path his bearing seems marked by an +indifference which they magnify into aversion, +and are thereby the worse confounded. +In a land where such convention reigns +they go through life like persons afflicted +with a partial deafness; between them and +the happier world there is as it were a +crystalline wall which the pleasant low +voices of confidence can never traverse.</p> + +<p>I say, then, that the real, the enduring +shyness is that inveteration of reserve to +which a few men in a few countries are +miserably condemned. Others know it as +a transient inconvenience, as the croup or +measles of childhood; but in us it is obstinate +and ineradicable as grave disease. If +out of the long frustration of our efforts to +be whole some strain of bitterness passes +into our nature; if sometimes we burn with +unjust resentment against the fate which, +suffers such lives as ours to be prolonged, +let it be remembered in extenuation that to +those who bear a double burden human<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> +charity owes the larger kindliness. For +though like you we bear our share of common +troubles, O happier men and women, +the common pleasures and compensations +which are as wings upon your shoulders are +heavy packs on ours. The cheerful contrasts +are for you alone; for us the bright threads +interwoven in the dark stuff of life were +faded before they reached the loom.</p> + +<p>You who have the friendships and affections +without which you would not care +to live a day, think more kindly of those +to whom the interludes of toil are often +harder than the toil itself. Of your charity +believe our fate ordained and not the +choice of our own perversity; for what man +born of woman would choose a path so sad, +were there not within him some guiding +and possessing devil which he could in +nowise cast out? Never will in maddest +hours of freedom consented to such doom; +we were condemned at birth, our threads +were spoiled upon the fingers of the Norns.</p> + +<hr class="hr2" /> + +<p>Such in its broader outlines seemed the +infirmity which had grown with my growth,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> +and now had to be reckoned with, like the +bridle of Theages, as a permanent hindrance +to a reasonable happiness. Old hopes lay +shattered about me—well, I had to pick +up the fragments and piece together a less +ambitious ideal.</p> + +<p>I will not linger over the forces which +helped my resolution, the great and general +remedies which come to the relief of men +in like evil case. Religion, philosophy, art, +science, literature—all promised their anodynes +against despair; slowly they stirred +in me anew those springs of interest in life +which disillusion seemed to have choked for +ever. I rose up, and looking round upon +the world saw that it was still good; and +there came into my memory brave words +which a golden book puts in the mouths of +its indomitable knights: "I will take the +adventure which God shall ordain me." I +now perceived that if evil fortune had +unhorsed me it had yet left me endurance +to continue the combat on foot. My +second failure was more final and disastrous +than the first discomfiture in earlier life, +but now the plague of pessimism was stayed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> +by a greater recuperative power. Those +long hours of the long eastern day, spent +under the verandah with books of many +ages and languages, had not been altogether +fruitless; they had helped to mature a +wider and more catholic taste than that +of restless youth, the kind of culture that +brings not rebellion but peace.</p> + +<p>In my eastern watch-tower I had re-read +the great books from a new point of vantage, +and let the eye roam over fields of literature +which lie beyond the undergraduate's +bounds; by a still permeation of fine influence, +my crude philosophy was unconsciously +mellowed, as the surface of ivory, +according to Roman belief, by the bland +air of Tibur. For by the mere being in +an atmosphere of serenity our nature grows +porous to gracious influences streaming in +we know not how or when, and taking their +abode in our very grain and structure. And +so without consciousness of good desert, I +found myself confident in a new discipline, +and looking for the word of command from +wiser leaders than Byron or the youthful +Shelley. Queen Mab was now the saddest<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> +rhetoric, and Childe Harold's plaint unseemly +lamentation; I had erased from my calendar +of saints the names of apostles of affliction +once held in honour; the Caliph Amurath +with his tale of fourteen happy days out of +a long life of royal opportunity; Swift +with his birthday lection from Jeremiah. +Rather there trooped into memory with a +quiet pomp and induction of joy, forms of +men who, though justified in rebellion by +every human suffrage, remained loyal to +the end and proved by endurance a more +imperial humanity. Socrates unperturbed +by mortal injustice; Dante a deep harmonious +voice amid jangling destinies; +William the Silent serene in every desperate +conjecture—these seemed now the more +perfect captains. If exile had done no +more than transfer my allegiance to such +as these, I had not borne the lash in +vain.</p> + +<p>But at the first setting out upon this +later stage I had still mistakes to make, +and the ascent to tranquillity was not to be +accomplished without stumbling. It was +the old Roman creed which first drew me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> +away from fretting memories; in its high +restraint, as of a hushed yet mighty wind, +it breathed a power of valiant endurance, +and promised before nightfall the respite of +a twilight hour. For stoicism has qualities +which seem foreordained for the bracing of +shy souls, as if the men who framed its +austere laws had prescience of our frailty and +consciously legislated to its intention. It +is the philosophy of the individual standing +by himself, as the shy must always stand, +over against a world which he likes not +but may not altogether shun. And in +this proud estrangement it promises release +from all the inquisition of morbid fears, +and an imperturbable calm above the need +of earthly friends or comfort or happiness; +it plants the feet upon that path of nature +along which a man may go strongly, consoled +in solitude by a god-like sense of self-reliance. +This immutable confidence is the +essential power of stoicism, which does not, +like the great oriental religions, tame personality +by ruthless maiming, but teaches it +to bear the brunt of adversities erect, like +an athlete finely trained. Its very arrogance,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span> +its sufficiency, perforce commend it to those +whose instinct urges to self-abasement: its +lofty disregard of adverse circumstance is +medical to their timidity.</p> + +<p>And so in the hour of my bereavement +its voice inspired to resistance like a bugle +sounding the advance; its echoes rang with +the assurance that man was not made to be +the worm of Eden, darkly creeping in the +dust, but rather its noblest creature, with +the light crowning his head and the winds +tossing his hair. And then its strong simplicity, +so masculine and unemotional, was +grateful to one now finally dismated, and +so cruelly handled as to have, it seemed, +no use for a heart any more. Better let +feeling die than be betrayed by diffidence +into the denial of its true allegiance, or into +expressions of the inner life false and wry +as the strange laughter which the doomed +suitors in Ithaca could not control. Though +it stifled feeling, the creed of Cleanthes +exalted the intellect, which was all that +now remained to me unimpaired; surely +it was the appointed rule for one henceforth +to be severed from the passions and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> +enthusiasms through which humanity errs +and is happy.</p> + +<p>"The world," the wise Stoic seemed to +say, "is twofold in its nature. Some things +may be changed by man, others are by his +utmost effort immutable. God has implanted +in you a right reason by which, +when it is well trained, you can infallibly +distinguish between the two, avoiding +thus all unworthy fretfulness and all idle +kicking against the pricks. Therefore he +has made you for happiness; for the joy +of men is an achievement; and their misery +in the coveting of the unattainable end. If +you would fulfil his benevolent design, seek +only what has been placed in your power, +frankly resigning all that lies beyond; but +be ever difficult in renunciation; test and +sound well every issue, lest you leave a +permitted good undone, than which nothing +is a greater sin. To be loyal, to be contented, +to acquiesce in all things save only +in ameliorable evil, this is to live according +to nature, which is God's administration. +If you are assiduous in careful choosing, you +will learn at last to make a right use of every<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> +event; you will be harassed no more by +vain desire or unreasoning aversion, but will +become God's coadjutor and be always of +his mind. So, when external things have +ceased to trouble your spirit, you will no +longer be a competitor for vanities; but, +enfranchised from all solicitude, you will +have discarded envy and conceit and intolerance, +which are the ill fruits of that vain +rivalry. You will neither cringe before +power nor covet great place, for alike from +inordinate affection and from the fear of +pain or death you will be free. Disenamoured +of mundane things, you will live +simply and unperturbed, in kindness and +cheerfulness and in gratitude to Providence. +Life will be to you as a feast or solemnity, +and when it comes to a close, you will rise +up saying, 'I have been well and nobly +entertained, it is fit that I give place to +another guest.'"</p> + +<p>The strength and mastery thus promised +raised my dejected spirits, as the words of +a new and sanguine physician may hearten +one who had long lain stricken yet now +dares to hope for the day of recovery. This<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> +was a law which did not denounce the world +as illusion or enjoin a cloistral seclusion upon +the mind, but rather proposed each and +every appearance as a touchstone on which +the quality of personality should be unceasingly +tried. By the constant application +of a high standard to life, it seemed to +implant an incorrupt seed of manliness, and +to create in its disciples that saner mood +which holds in equal aversion a Heliogabalus +and a Simeon Stylites. So persuaded, I +could join with the fervour of a neophyte +in the Stoic's profession: "Good and evil +are in choice alone, and there is no cause of +sorrowing save in my own errant and wilful +desires. When these shall have been overcome, +I shall possess my soul in tranquillity, +vexing myself in nowise if, in the world's +illusive good, all men have the advantage +over me. For all outward things I will bear +with equal mind, even chains or insults or +great pain, ashamed of this only, if reason +shall not wholly free me from the servitude +of care. Let others boast of material goods; +mine is the privilege of not needing these +or stooping to their control. I will have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> +but a temperate desire of things open to +choice, as they are good and present, and +the tempter shall find no hold for his hands +by which to draw me astray. I will be +content with any sojourn or any company, +for there is none, howsoever perilous, which +may not prove and strengthen the defences +of my soul. For I have built an impregnable +citadel whence, if only I am true to +myself, I can repel assaults from the four +quarters of heaven. Who shall console one +lifted above the range of grief, whom +neither privation nor insolence can annoy? +for he has peace as an inalienable possession, +and by no earthly tyranny shall be perturbed. +Bearing serenely all natural impediments +to action, trespassing beyond no +eternal landmark, by no foolishness provoked, +he shall become a spectator and +interpreter of God's works; he shall ripen +to the harvest in the sunshine and wait +tranquilly for the sickle, knowing that corn +is only sown that it may be reaped, and +man only born to die."</p> + +<p>The mere repetition of these words, so +instinct with the spirit of old Roman<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> +fortitude, roused me to a more immediate +resolution than any other form of solace. +There are times when a splendour of exaggeration +is the best foil to truth. The +Roman's pride is the best corrective to the +earthward bias of the diffident; by its +excess of an opposite defect it drives us +soonest into the mean of a simple and +manly confidence. It is better for us first +to repeat, "Dare to look up to God and +say: Make use of me for the future as +Thou wilt, I am of the same mind, I am +equal with Thee.... Lead me whither +Thou wilt," than to dwell upon such words +as these: "It is altogether necessary that +thou have a true contempt for thyself if +thou desire to prevail against flesh and +blood"—or these: "If I abase myself ... +and grind myself to the dust which I am, +Thy grace will be favourable to me, and +Thy light near unto my head.... By +seeking Thee alone and purely loving Thee +I have found both myself and Thee, and +by that love have more deeply reduced +myself to nothing."</p> + +<p>This supreme abnegation may leave the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> +saint unharmed, but it is ill fitted for those +who droop already with the malady of +dejection. The divine wisdom which knows +the secrets of all hearts and their necessities +infinitely various, shall exact obedience +according to no adamantine law: it loves +not the jots and tittles of formalism, nor +the pretensions of those who would cast all +things in one mould. From those made perfect, +from the saints whose links with earth +are almost severed, whose sight begins to +pierce gross matter through, it may accept +prostration and endless contrite tears, knowing +that to these, upon the very verge of +illumination, the forms of slavery have lost +their vileness. But to those who are still +of earth and can but conceive God's fatherhood +according to earthly similitudes, it +will not ordain a prone obeisance. Such +it will require to stand erect even in contrition, +in that posture which is the privilege +of sons. We who are unperfected affront +God supposing him pleased with the prostration +of his children. It is the ignorance +of a feudal age that ascribes to him a +Byzantine love of adulation; but that age<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> +is no more, and he disserves the divine +majesty who imputes to it a liking for the +<i>esprit d'antichambre</i>.</p> + +<p>I did not need to dwell upon my weakness +and misery but rather upon the grandeur of +humanity, whose kinship and collaboration +God himself does not reject. The Stoic +phase was a useful stage on the road of +convalescence, and the majestic words of +Epictetus more helpful to a manlier bearing +than the confessions of the saintliest souls. +If, as is not to be doubted, there are others +who seek an issue from the same dark region +where I wandered, I do not fear to point +them to the Stoic way, which like a narrow +gorge cold with perpetual shadow is yet +their shortest path upward to the high +slopes lit with sunlight. Let them enter +it without fear and endure its shadows a +while, for by other ways they will fetch a +longer compass and come later to their +release.</p> + +<p>But when some interval had passed I +became aware that this cold ideal was not +the end, and that out of the gall of austerity +sweetness should yet come forth. Wise<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> +men have said that all great systems of +ethics meet upon a higher plane, as the +branches of forest trees rustle together in +the breeze; for though in the dark earth +their roots creep apart, their summits are +joined in the freedom of clear air. As I +now struck inland from the iron shores of +shipwreck, my heart warmed to a brighter +and softer landscape, and with Landor I +began to wish that I might walk with +Epicurus on the right hand and Epictetus +on the left. With a later thinker I reflected +that if the Stoic knew more of the faith +and hope of Christianity, the Epicurean +came nearer to its charity. For it is true +that Stoicism commands admiration rather +than love. It was indeed too harsh a saying +that "the ruggedness of the Stoic is only +a silly affectation of being a god, to wind +himself up by pulleys to an insensibility +of suffering": that is the judgment of the +bluff partisan, so shocked by the adversary's +opinions that he feels absolved from any +effort to understand them. But even those +who in extremity have been roused to new +valour by the precepts as by a Tyrtæan ode,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> +for all the gratitude which they owe, will +not impute to their deliverers an inhuman +perfection. The Stoic does in truth wear +a semblance of academic conceit, as though +related to God not as a child to its father, +but as a junior to a senior colleague. And +with all its sufficiency, his philosophy seems +too Fabian in its counsels; it is always +withdrawing, passing by on the other side, +avoiding battle—so that as a preparation +for the uttermost ordeal it will often prove +inferior to the reckless pugnacity of a narrow +zealot.</p> + +<p>Then, too, it acts like a frost not merely +upon personal, but upon national ambition, +and so keeps the wellspring from the root. +Its assumption of a superhuman fortitude +accords but ill with scientific truth, for if +with one bound every man may become as +God, he will despise that infinitely slow +upward progression which is the only real +advance. But, above all, it lives estranged +from tenderness, in which alone at certain +hours of torment the distracted mind finds +God's face reflected. It preaches renunciation +of all vain aversions and desires; but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span> +it repels sweet impulses that are not vain. +By exalting apathy in regard to personal +suffering, it becomes insensible to others' +pain also. In the conviction that appeals +for sympathy are avowals of unworthiness, +it will have no part in the love of comrades, +and it never discovered the truth that the +strength and the compassion of the Divine +are one perfection.</p> + +<p>There is a favourite mediæval legend +depicted in one of the windows of the +cathedral at Bourges, which exposes in a +characteristic fashion this weakness of the +Stoic's creed. The Evangelist St John, +when at Ephesus, remarked in the forum +the philosopher Cratinus giving a lesson of +abnegation to certain rich young men. At +the teacher's bidding the youths had converted +all their wealth into precious stones, +and these they were now bidden crush to +dust with a heavy hammer in the presence +of the assembled people, that so they might +make public profession of their contempt +for riches. But St John was angered at so +wasteful a renunciation. "It is written," +he said, "that whoso would be perfect<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span> +should not destroy his possessions, but sell +them, and give the proceeds to the poor." +"If your master is the true God," replied +Cratinus scornfully, "restore these gems +again to their original form, and then they +shall be bestowed according to your desire." +St John prayed, and the precious stones +lay there once more perfect in all their +brilliance and splendour. The moral of +the old tale is clear—that all virtue without +charity is nothing worth; and that of +virtue without charity, the Stoic's cold renunciation +is the chief type and ensample.</p> + +<p>The insight into this higher truth did +not come by inspiration, but was gradually +imparted during long summer days, when +I wandered from dawn to dark among the +fields and woods. Hoping at first no more +than to tire the mind with the body and +so win a whole repose, I became by degrees +receptive of a new learning from nature, +which created new sympathies and kindled +fresh ambitions. Naturally I again read +Wordsworth, and now for the first time +since childhood I knew what joys intimacy +brings. I was one of a brotherhood, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> +wherever I went was sure of a friendly +salutation. Things that grew in silence +became my friends; I was with them at +all hours, in light and shadow, in warmth +and cold, watching their gracious and +responsive existences, which reject no good +gift, but radiantly grow towards the light +while it endures. Insensibly the spirit of +this gentle expansive life was infused within +me, until the heart which I had deemed +useless and outworn, began to open like a +flower scathed by frost, at the full coming +of spring. The plants and trees were +human to me, the brooks spoke with articulate +voice; by that ancient witchery of +animism, old as the relationship of man +and nature, I was put to school again: +until at last, absorbed in the vicissitudes of +small things and surrendering reason to a host +of pathetic fallacies, I was taught the great +secret that life may not be centred in itself, +but in the going out of the heart is wisdom. +And as among human friends there are +some to whom a man is bound by deeper +and tenderer links than to the rest, so it +is with these other friends which have no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> +language, but only the wild-wood power of +growing about the heart. Among their +gracious company each man will discover +his own affinity, and having found it will +look on the rest of nature with brighter +eyes. Some learn the great lessons from +mountains, lakes, and sounding cataracts; +others from broad rivers peacefully flowing +to the sea. To me there spoke no such +romantic voices. My wanderings led me +through a country of simple rural charm, +and the friends that became dearest to me +were just our English elms.</p> + +<p>Who but the solitary, artists alone excepted, +understand the full charm of elms in +an English landscape? To us there is an +especial appeal in their loneliness, as they +range apart along the hedgerows, embayed +in blue air and sunlight which do but play +upon the fringe of your huddling forest. +See them on a breezy August morning +across a tawny corn-field, printing their +dark feathery contours on a blue sky and +holding the shadows to their bosoms; or +on a June evening get them between you and +the setting sun, and mark the droop and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> +poise of the upper foliage fretted black +upon a ground of red fire. Here are no +cones or hemispheres, or shapeless bulks of +green, but living beings of articulated form, +clothed in verdure as with the fine-wrought +drapery that enhances rather than conceals +the beauty of the statue.</p> + +<p>Or at a still later hour, over against the +harvest moon, see them rise congruous with +the gentle night, casting round them not +palls of ominous gloom, but clear translucent +shadows sifted through traceries of +leafage which do but veil the light. And +what variety of form and structure sunders +them from other trees, what irregular persuasive +grace. Some are tall and straight, +springing like fountains arrested in the +moment when they turn to fall; others +bend oblique without one perpendicular +line, every branch by some subtle instinct +evading the hard angles of earth-measurement +as unmeet for that which frames the +sky; others again spread to all the quarters +of heaven their vast umbrageous arms. No +trees are so companionable as the elms +to the red-roofed homestead which nestles<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> +at their feet and is glad for them. Seen +from a distance, how delightful is this +association, how delicate the contrast of +tile and leaf and timbered barn, each lending +some complement to the other's fairest +imperfection. Perhaps there will be a whole +line of distinct trees, and then you will see +as it were a cliff-side of verdure in which, +beneath the billowy curves of lit foliage, +there open caverns and cool deeps of shadow +fit for a Dryad's rest.</p> + +<p>To know the elm-tree you must not come +too near, for it too is wild and does not +reveal its nature lightly; you may be cooler +in the shadow of the beech or stand drier +beneath the red-stemmed leaves of the +sycamore. Yet it suffers the clinging ivy; +it was beloved of poets in old days, and +painters love it still. It has not the walnut's +vivid green nor the rare flush that lights up +the pine-stem. Its leaves are rough and +of no brilliance; its bark is rugged also. +But in life the familiar guardian of home +meadows, it has stood by our fathers' landmarks +from generation to generation, and +when fallen and hewn and stacked it sheds<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> +a fragrance which, wherever perceived in +after years, brings back memories of +wanderings in deep lanes and of the great +dim barns where we played in childhood. +In the dull winter days when only yews +and cypresses wear their leaves, I sometimes +wander to a place whose walls are hung +with the works of many a seer and lover of +elms; there seated before a few small frames +I give them thanks for having read the dear +trees truly, and glorified a close and barren +gallery with all the breezes and colours of +the fields: I am beyond all noise and murkiness, +walking in the peace and spaciousness +of unsullied air.</p> + +<p>To a mind now happily reverted to the +primitive confidence in souls everywhere indwelling +and creating sympathies between +all things, the bonds of kinship between +man and nature were drawn ever closer, +and it seemed a wholly natural belief that +the changes of the visible universe, affecting +things which lived an almost personal existence, +should be instinct with the deeper +meaning of events in the drama of human +existence.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p> + +<p>Like the every-day life of men with its +imperceptible attritions was the insensible +growth and decay of things; as the tumult +of his emotions were the storms and catastrophes +that convulse the face of nature. +The movement never ceased; the transforming +power was never wearied; the +spectator had but to give rapt attention, +to be carried beyond his poor solicitudes +to a participation in elemental processes of +change in which the fates of humanity were +mysteriously involved. The thought of this +indissoluble union kept alive the sense of +brotherhood within me, of responsibility in +life, of interest in all that happens; and +whether it was the daily contraction of a +pond in drought, or a battle of ants by the +wayside, or the first tinge of autumn upon +the woods, all was ennobled by symbolic +relationships to man's experience, which in +the unceasing flow of their perception were +lustral to a solitary heart, without them +choked and stagnant.</p> + +<p>There was a certain heath-clad ridge +which like a watch-tower set above a city +never failed to bring before the ranging eye<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> +some vision pregnant of those emotions by +which the sense of humanity is quickened +to a deeper consciousness of itself. The +witchery of space was there always, and +seemed to draw from the soul the clinging +mists of her indifference. It was there that +I saw nature in all her moods, and felt that +to each my own moods responded; there +that despondency, imagining her monotony +of woe, was confuted by the saving changefulness +of created things. I remember one +day, when a summer storm was spending +its fury, I stood upon this ridge and looked +across the low lands that stretched away +beneath me. They lay with all their +boundaries confused by a pall of purple +gloom, then darkly transparent, and dissolving +before the returning sun, whose +penetrative influence was felt rather than +actually perceived. As I gazed, high in the +veil of cloud there began faintly to gleam a +spot of palest gold, so high that it seemed +to belong to the sky and to have no part +in an earthly landscape. Gradually it expanded, +grew more vivid, and assumed form, +other forms and tints emerged beside it,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> +until at last it was revealed as a ripe corn-field +on the high slopes across the valley, +and before many moments had passed, a +long line of downs stood out in the pure air +with a sculptural clearness, as if during the +storm all had been uprooted and moved +a whole league towards the spot where I +stood. While the rainbow spanned the +plain, and the thunder still rolled in the +distance, all the opposite heaven cleared +almost to the furthest horizon; but there +a remoter range yet lay half-covered by a +billowy mass of clouds, like the hull of a +dismasted ship in the folds of her fallen +sails. At last even this trace of the battle +was gone; the sun shone unopposed; the +wet lands and clear sky were lit with an +intenser brightness for their transient eclipse.</p> + +<p>Then the humanity of all these things +was borne in upon my mind, and I was +affected by these vicissitudes shadowing +forth the destiny of man, and reminding +him in their beautiful and majestic procession +that nature endures no perpetual +gloom. The sudden ruin of a bright day +in deluge and darkness and sonorous thunder,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> +the timid reappearance of faint light, the +natural forms strangely emerging from the +perplexed wrack infesting the heaven, and +at last seen as never before through leagues +of pellucid air; the thunder's silence, the +final and supreme triumph of light;—these +swift yet utter revolutions of the visible +world, by very grace of mutability, were +rich with instant consolations for the soul's +misgiving. They served to remind me that +the fears, the spiritual conflicts, the darkness +that seems eternal, are mere incidents of a +summer noon and leave behind them a +purer and serener day. Through all this +close intercourse with nature my mind was +being prepared for a healthier relation to +my fellow-man, and my heart saved from +the petrification of melancholy self-regard. +The ever-growing delight in these inanimate +things, the constant discovery of new +charms as knowledge widened with experience, +united to prevent stagnation and +despair; they kept heart and mind alert +for the perception of new glories; and it +is from a clear sense of their salutary +power that I dwell upon them in this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> +record of a self-tormented life. How should +he find life colourless whose eyes are often +fixed upon the sky, who sees grey zones of +cloud flush crimson before the sunrise, and +at evening the wide air richly glowing, +moted as with the bloom of plums and the +golden pollen of all flowers?</p> + +<p>At the end of that summer I returned to +the occupations of life, appeased and almost +happy in this inheritance of new sympathies. +And before long I found that these were +themselves but precursors of that which +was to come, and that like the paranymphs +who escort the bride, they did but apparel +the heart for a deeper and more abiding joy. +They were busied about me in tranquil +hours, and speaking not, but seeming to +wait in gladness for another, they made me +serenely expectant also. They destroyed all +sadness of retrospect; they led me always +forward; with faces transparent with the +light of an inward happiness they seemed +to promise a vision at each near bending +of the way. From glad looks and gestures +assuring imminent joy, I too was charmed +into a like faith, and went on blithely in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> +the confidence of a coming illumination. +Nor was that hope vain, for at length the +mystery was made plain, and one day they +brought me exulting into the presence of +the Ideal Love.</p> + +<p>There is a place in every heart which +must be filled by adoration, or else the +whole will grow hard and wither like a +garden whose central fountain is grown +dry. And though the affection of mortal +man or woman may abandon it, there +remains yet this other love which by pure +and strenuous invocation may be drawn to +it, and dwell in it, to the ennoblement of +life; so great is the care of providence for +mortal need. Love is our need, and it is +given, if we despair not of it, even to such +as have rarely felt the glow of earthly +passion. For love is of many kinds; yet +the palest and most subtle of its forms are +made real to those who believe, and may +become the guiding influences of their lives. +Such are the visions of the ideal love to +which those glad natural sympathies now +led me, leaving me alone awhile that I +might worship the orient light. And when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span> +I came out from that presence I rejoiced +indeed, for the path was clear for my return, +and life was now glad with promise like an +orchard burgeoning with white blossoms. +Old memories crowded back on me of hours +beneath the cedars with the Phædrus and +the Vita Nuova, hours made happy with +intellectual and austere delights. But +now the joy was other than intellectual, +though significant tenfold, for then in untried +youth I had wondered at the beauty of an +imaginary world; now with eyes that had +looked on desolation I perceived that these +visions were true. For had they been no +more than airy fancies, they surely had +not endured throughout these long ages in +our laden and mortal air.</p> + +<p>It was not merely the beauty of a literary +setting which had preserved them: the +craftsman's skill might indeed have enhanced +their natural splendour, but it +could not have alone inspired them with +this perennial life. The gem with fire in +its heart outlives the delicate setting; +though it may be maltreated and buried +for centuries by the wayside, it will come<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span> +to light when the gold that framed it is +long battered or lost, and will be desired +by new generations for its inherent and +unalterable beauty.</p> + +<p>Not Plato's or Dante's creative power, +but truth surviving all incarnations of +genius, has kept this celestial gem aglow: +they have but celebrated that which was +never mortal, and guided wandering eyes to +heaven's most beautiful star. This intangible +and unincarnate vision exacts more +from its votaries than the love which +walks the earth: holding the lover ever in +the strain of apprehension, it inures him to +unwearying worship, and itself moving in +regions incorruptible, never loses the glory +of its first hour. The years may pass, but +one face, like a hallowed thing, abides +continually; years may fret and corrode +other ideals, but to this they add beauties +of ever fresh significance. The auroral glow +is always round it, brightening the world, +until it becomes an emblem of illumination +and the symbol of eternal truths. +This visionary presence wakes aspiration to +new effort and touches the intellect with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +passion; beleaguered thought sallies out +with new strength, and the frontiers of +darkness recede before it. From this comes +the quickening of the heart without which +hope wanes and the mind is barren: the +deep pure joy of contemplation awakens all +that is best in the soul, which goes towards +it on tense wings of desire. And as with +time it draws further from the earth, and, +following, the soul essays ever higher flights, +it is often poised at a great height as in a +trance of motion, whence it looks back +upon the world it has left, and round it +upon other worlds. Then, its love-range +being wondrously expanded, it sees beyond +that visionary countenance, which dissolves +and forms again like a delicate wreath of +mist; and clear starlight falls upon it from +every side, so that all shadow is destroyed. +And when it returns to earth again, and is +forced to contemplate meaner things, it is +now aware that the very soil is compacted +of dust of stars, and that he who looks listlessly +upon creation is unworthy of the +human name. And so continually flying +forth and returning, it weaves endless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> +bonds between the infinitesimal and the +infinite, forgetting how to despise, which +is the heavenly science.</p> + +<p>All this ardour is awakened and sustained +by love, which began in sense and is +now transformed. Through each succeeding +change it is known for the same divine +power which has so attuned the body +that it vibrates no more to desire alone, +but is now become resonant beneath a +faint and spiritual breath.</p> + +<p>It is an old story that love is sightless, +but that is the love which romps among +the roses and is blinded by their thorns. +There is another and a better tradition +that love's eyes pierce heaven, and this is a +great truth; for infinity is cold and vaporous +until man projects upon it his mortal +ideal, his conception of an earthly love +transfigured. When this beloved guide +appears throned above him as in the clouds, +he dares to lift his eyes, and there he reads +through its light the divine purports of his +existence. Is it a small thing to stand, +though but for a moment, searching infinity +undismayed? This is the celestial<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> +ocean to whose shore he is come; and now +"drawing towards and contemplating the +vast sea of beauty, he will create many fair +and noble thoughts and notions in boundless +love of wisdom, until on that shore he +grows and waxes strong, and at last the +vision is revealed to him of a single science, +which is the science of beauty everywhere ... beauty +absolute, separate, simple, +everlasting, which without diminution, +without increase, or any change, is imparted +to the ever growing and perishing +beauties of all other things."</p> + +<p>To some the great perception comes but +late, rising from the ashes of love's common +furnace. But they whose hearts have never +been consumed in these roaring flames may +find it earlier; and purged from all taints +of jealousy and covetousness, may pass +straightway into the bliss of a higher union. +This is that supreme affiance and espousal +of the soul wherein they may be released +into a larger air, undelayed by the earthward +longings and gradual initiations of +seemingly happier men. Thus its servants +do not decline into slothful service, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> +are strenuous always; raised above the +acquiescence of use, they never know the +cloying of fruition or suffer the barbarian +conquest of indifference. Their soul is +unaffected by material circumstance or +misfortune, and illuminates their lives as +often as in the silent hour of meditation +they concentrate their thoughts upon its +grace. The cup of earthly love, even the +noblest, is often dipped in Pyriphlegethon, +and the draught it offers scathes the palate +until its finest sensibility is for ever +dulled. Those who have quaffed this liquid +fire can no longer understand his mood +who leaves the roses and the wine to toil +through deserts in search of limpid water. +They think him madly ungrateful for God's +good gifts, a fool abandoning joy proved +and present for a shadow far and incomprehensible. +But they who have not denied +themselves are no longer fit judges of him +who has renounced. They cannot know +that by this renunciation the senses are +thrice refined, and receive as a vital influence +the stellar beam which falls chill and +ineffectual upon a grosser frame. They<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> +cannot believe that this love from the +infinite distance wields as mighty a force +over renunciant lives as the near flame of +passion over their own. But, for all their +denial, it lives and puissantly reigns. It +reigns in very truth predominant, this +ideal love to which space exists not and +propinquity is nothing; and it will have +none for its subjects but those who by +bereavement or aspiration or intense purity +are inly prepared for its dominion.</p> + +<p>Happy therefore are the shy if in the +midst of their tribulation they are guided +to the gateway of so bright a kingdom. It +may well be that we must first be led thither +by some dear-remembered and virgin form +once almost ours through earthly love, but +now joined to us only by an imperishable +and mystic union. Our sight may at +first need the embodied beauty to give it +the finer powers by which the revelation +of the ideal grows familiar to us, but is at +last attainable without mortal intervention +by an immediate flight of the soul. Until +that late day of enlightenment we must still +be set upon the celestial path by a touch<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span> +of human tenderness; a pure yet sensuous +yearning must be ours when we are first +girded to the ascent. If there are beings +which attain the fulness of the ideal love +without the first inspiration of a fair earthly +form I know nothing in creation to which +they may be likened, nor had I ever part +in so rare an enfranchisement. The vision +that now entrances my soul first arose from +a living, breathing form radiant with earthly +brightness and instinct with every charm +which brings men fawning to the feet of +women. The sensuous frenzy which lovers +sing was also mine, the tremor of the heart, +the vibration of the very life; the deep +seventh wave of passion rioted through me +also. But from the first amazement of the +shaken being it was not given me to pass +through satisfaction into tranquillity; I +was held long in a whirl of trouble; in the +anguish of denial I learned initiation into +the mystery which is eternal and supreme.</p> + +<p>It is good for some of earth's children +that passion should be stayed before it +makes ashes of the fancy; for if it does +but touch for a moment only to be with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>drawn +for ever, it does not destroy, but +by its meteoric passage kindles the imagination +with the glow of an incorruptible +flame. It is with them long enough to +brand upon memory the image which, +though never renewed before their bodily +eyes, by its very severance from perception +puts on an immortality of virginal grace. +Love is understanding, said the poet of +Heaven and Hell, and love ennobled +through renunciant years shall at the last +encompass the world. The sensuous glow +that first quickened the heart of youth is +transmuted into a purer fire akin to that +which moves the spheres.</p> + +<p>To know this truth is their compensation +who are swiftly withdrawn from the warm +radiance of earthly love. They are stricken, +but before passion blinds them are rapt into +a high solitude, whence, if they truly love, +an infinite prospect is unrolled before them. +They know desire; but as their passion +was hopeless in this world, their steps were +mercifully set upon a new path, whereby +the bodily semblance of the beloved became +the symbol of spiritual comeliness, alluring<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> +the beholder into the peace of a serene and +unworldly mood. A thin and rarefied ideal, +you say, a mirage which no wayfarer can +approach: experience rejects these subtleties, +and to these creations of a dream +human affection was never given. True, +to hearts established and content in happy +unions, to minds preoccupied with the near +cares and pleasures of a home, our distant +visions may appear frail structures wrought +in mist by homeless fancy. But for the +exiled heart they are not such, but verities +of abiding inspiration. For the ideal love +did not die with Plato, but came again in +mediæval Italy, and who shall say that even +our material age has banished it from the +earth?</p> + +<p>No indeed it is not dead, the ideal love, +but indwells, a redeeming power, wherever +there are desolate hearts and minds to be +updrawn and united by its ministry; a +power so lustral in its nature, that no abject +and despairing thought creeps into its +presence but is purified and exalted by its +regard. This love brings hope and cheerful +constancy; with a shining falchion it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> +affrights into their natal darkness the +monstrous forms of despair, and lends to +all work a secret charm of chivalry. It +sustains that high anticipatory mood to +which life is but a preparation, and the +bees buzzing round the honey-flowers seem +poor things toiling for an inessential gain. +Because it is mystic and transcendental it +is the predestined guide of all whom fate +holds removed from earthly love. This is +the old device of the world's failures, you +say, to trick themselves out in Plato's mantle +or the schoolman's cowl, and conceal their +spite beneath the pretensions of the mystic. +But I answer that the causes which moved +the Greek and the Florentine are still at +work among mankind to-day; they have +never ceased, however much obscured by +the glare of triumphant luxury or the stress +of miserable toil. Often when disillusion +has laid bare a soul, this love which did but +slumber awakes to contest with envy or +despair the possession of a wounded heart. +I aver that any exile from the happier earth +whose heart is pure, if he invokes this love +with ardent faith, may unbar his door and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> +feel that it has passed his threshold. Let +us never be persuaded that the ideal world +is far from this earth of ours, or that the +way to it may not be daily traversed by +him who has submitted to the heavenly +guide. Not even the close entanglement +of common cares can avail to +keep such an one from his love; but as +Bishop Berkeley is said to have been able +to pass in a moment from the consideration +of trifling things to the throne of thrones +and the seats of the Trinity, so this lover +shall overpass with easy and habitual flight +the barriers that hold most men life-long +prisoners.</p> + +<p>For to the Spirit that is chastened and +endures there is given a power of flight and +poise, by which, if it abandon itself to the +celestial wind, it may instantly remove from +the deeper planes of life, as a bird by the +mere slanting of its wings is carried in proud +quiescence into an upper region of the air. +He shall know instant release from the +leaguer of disillusion and vain solicitudes; +in the light of one beautiful and compassionate +countenance the unquiet memories<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> +of failure shall give up their exceeding +bitterness.</p> + +<p>And though the style and instinct of +modern life are hostile to such love, though +in prosperity it is ignored and in adversity +often overborne by a vain uproar of lamentation, +yet even in a self-indulgent and furious +world it still draws many to the severe +exaltation of its service. We cannot approach +the heights where a Plato and a Dante +walked with ease, but far beneath upon the +lower slopes we can draw a breath of new +life as we fix our weaker eyes upon the +glory which they saw so near. Although the +men who have there ascended are a supreme +company, we may yet presume to follow; +for let it never be said that the gods have +reserved for surpassing genius the consolation +of which lesser men have so much +deeper need. But he who would reach a +serener air must press forward strenuously; +for as a mountain may have one bare and +northern slope, and another sunlit and +clothed with verdure, and yet there may be +a path on each side to the summit, so it +is with the ascent to this felicity. One<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +lingers amid pleasant groves and laughing +waters; another, undistracted by the beauty +of any lower zone, but fixing his eyes upon +the far summit, crosses the chill rocky +slopes, never feeling the warmth of the sun +and only seeing his brightness reflected +from the highest peak. Though the ways +of the two travellers lie far apart until the +end, their endurance may be crowned with +the same reward; but he who knew no +dalliance and plucked no fruit has from the +beginning seen the goal clearly, and lived +steadfastly in its distant promise. And do +you tell me that this is not love or joy, you +who saunter in the verdant southern valleys +breathing a present happiness with the +perfume of a thousand flowers? Your way +may lead you upward after long vicissitudes, +but endurance will more swiftly fail you for +the last most arduous ascent. Very love is +of the heights, and he whose thoughts have +long been thither exalted will breathe with +least pain the attenuate upper air.</p> + +<p>To this pilgrimage the diffident are foreordained; +it is their happiest hour when +they take staff and scrip and set out in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span> +earnest for the shrine built among the +mountains. The gardens of Armida are +not for them, nor the warm breezes fragrant +of fruit and flowers; but the vision of a +far peak flushed at sundawn draws them +onward, and strength and peace are increased +upon them throughout the great +ascent. He is still too rich for pity to +whom renunciation brings these high and +enviable hours.</p> + +<p>But the heavens are not opened every +day, and the adept of these mysteries must +walk the dull round of common life like +other men, not warmed as they are by the +glow of constant friendship, yet cheered by +intermittent flames of remembrance and +of hope. The real life of the diffident is +cunningly hidden from those around them, +for whom, indeed, it is wont to have faint +interest; but before you who have often +sought me out through fair and foul weather, +I may venture to undo the pack of small +resources which brings variety and distraction +into lonely days.</p> + +<p>Firstly, I still dare to haunt the forecourts +of philosophy. Into her inner courts I may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span> +not penetrate, lacking the leisure which her +whole service demands; yet the loiterings +which I may still enjoy are to me like +voyages into a foreign country, and give my +mind the healthful enjoyment of change; +they are not long enough to bring that +whole detachment from daily life which, in +my case, might prove a perilous advantage. +All that I need for common use is a simple +rule based on a few fundamental thoughts +to give me a course upon the wayward +ocean, and though it be full of error as the +Almagest, yet it shall surpass the thumb-rules +of Philistia. It must be a doctrine +which allows imagination her right and +durable career, and therefore not be monist. +For materialism is too wildly imaginative at +the start: like a runner who at the outset +overstrains his heart and thereafter runs no +more, the follower of this creed, by his +postulate of a blind impersonal Law, +exhausts his power of speed and plods +henceforth eyes downward over flattest +plains of dulness. That my mind may +remain curious and alert in isolation, I must +conceive in the universal scheme a power<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> +that does not alone impel, but also draws +me forward. For were it true that the +sum of things blunders from change to +change, swept by blind force into uncharted +voids, I should abandon myself in despair +to that hopeless course, and drift indifferent +to the direction or the end.</p> + +<p>Let me rather believe that if each several +idea is compacted by my active intelligence +out of some vast system of relations, then +only a supreme intelligence akin to man's +can brace together the whole system or +universal sum of things. For this earth, yes, +and all the complex of the spheres, exist +to me imperfectly as idea alone, nor can I +conceive them any complete existence apart +from a kindred but omniscient mind. Each +advance in human knowledge should then +be an infinitesimal approach towards the +supreme comprehension; and the aspiring +race of man is justified in that inchoation +of long hope which is folly to the single +life.</p> + +<p>I would also believe that new relations +between things may be detected not merely +by the staid and ordered process of collating<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> +abstractions, which is science, but by swifter +and more genial methods of intuition.</p> + +<div class="block"> +<div class="poem"> +"Hurrah for positive science,<br /> +Long live exact demonstration!"<br /> +</div></div> + +<p>cried Walt Whitman, exulting over the filed +fetters of mankind; and let us all echo the +cry, nor ever forget the razed Bastilles of +superstition. But there glimmers a wealth +of truth in the penumbra beyond our +lanterns to which science will creep too +slowly without the aid of imagination. +Yet this truth may be seized by swift sallies +into the darkness, and assured to us as it +were by some dim apperception of the soul, +when the whole personality is made tense, +and subtly anticipates the cosmic argument. +Life is too short to renounce this daring: +the sense of kinship with the All-Consciousness +sanctions if not commands the right +adventure.</p> + +<p>It was this feeling which led William +Blake to exclaim in his impulsive way, that +to generalize is to be an idiot, that direct +perception is all, and the slow process of +the inductive reason a devil's machination.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> +This method of intuition is to the more +sober method of science as the romantic +to the classical spirit in literature, permitting +to the individual mind a licence of noble +vagrancy. But it must be a law for the +ordinary intelligence to exercise the two +apart, else it will fall into sick fancies of +excitement, and by abuse of wild analogies +lose the vital art of balance and sane comparison. +Only the greatest minds, endowed +as it were with some divine genius of +extrication, may dare to practise the two +together. So Leonardo da Vinci drove +inference and intuition abreast without +disaster, and gathered from purple distances +of thought their wildest and most splendid +flowers. To him, as has been well said, +philosophy was something giving strange +swiftness and double sight, clairvoyant of +occult gifts in common or uncommon +things. The doom of Phæton awaits those +who now would follow that marvellous +course; but the poetic observation of +resemblances in things remote, which lent +so rich a colour to the science of the Renaissance, +may yet be trained in all our minds;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span> +and the philosophy which trusts in the slow +suffusion of the worlds with intellectual +light will bless and encourage its reasonable +growth.</p> + +<p>Such a philosophy brings also a living +sympathy with art. For the artist ever sees +a perfection of truth beyond his rendering, +yet always calling for expression; there is +something eternally missed by his highest +effort, and he can never know complacency. +The philosophy which conceives the gradual +growth of form through consciousness +towards a perfection infinitely removed, +yet in its remoteness drawing up our life +as the moon sways the tides—this surely +is the artist's wisdom. Idealism is like +love, <ins title="apora porimos">ἄπορα πόριμος</ins>, holding us as it were +in touch with the intangible: it will have +us conceive the Absolute without that helpless +absorption in thought which changed +Amiel's life from a fountain to a vapour: +it would keep us near the surf and confluence +of things. Its function is not to +give any mysterious transcendental knowledge, +but to serve culture "by suggesting +questions which help to detect the passion,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> +and strangeness and dramatic contrasts of +life." And not only to bring suggestions, +but repose, by granting to eyes wearied +with minute concerns the contrasts of vast +times and spaces, the majestic idea of the +Whole; to change the focus and variously +dispose the perspectives of familiar things.</p> + +<p>An old watchmaker, whose window overlooked +a wide meadow, used ever and again +to lay down his instruments to gaze out +upon the expanse of green, pasturing upon +it a wandering vague regard, and absorbing +from it an assuagement of his wearied senses +which, he said, served him more effectually +after these bright interludes. The province +of Metaphysics should be to us as to this +wise workman his field; not a place to +dream our days away in, but for occasional +resort; in which we may forget the infinitesimal +in healing visions of broad space +and colour. I counsel every lonely man to +satisfy what has been described as the +common metaphysical instinct, and according +to his powers to become a metaphysician. +There is no discipline which so well consists +with solitude, none which so instantly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> +enfranchises the mind from the tyranny of +mean self-interest or vain and envious +polemics. Men do not grow sour and +quarrelsome about the Absolute: everything +that is polemical is inspired, as +Michelet once said, by some temporal and +momentary interest. The man who has +climbed to the Idalian spring comes down +benevolent. He does not grudge this toiling +ant his grain, that snarling dog his +bone, but is content to live serene, in the +certainty that his soul has great provision, +and that though all human things are small, +each is worth its while. Into his hand +there is given a scale by which life is known +in its fair proportions; a tranquil joy, +disturbed neither by dirges nor Epinician +odes, is poured into his heart and exalts +him above distraction. He respects himself +as akin to that great Self whose perfection +shall one day be known; he understands +the passion for the ideal through which men +die young; he wonders at envy and in the +happiness of enfranchisement would have +all men free.</p> + +<p>The pages of this Almagest are for the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> +exceptional hour; but daily, as one bookish +from the nursery, I read much in many +directions. For if books are called the best +friends of happy men, to the sad they are +saviours also. And when I remember too +clearly what I am, I turn perhaps most +often to Lucretius. For of all those who +have taken up the pen to assuage the +miseries of men, it is he who sings most +bravely of the great endurance. This +austere enthusiast, whose soul was never +fused in the fire of friendship; who went +apart, as it were, amid thunders upon the +lonely heights; who, without any lover, +yet loved his kind so well that all the years +of his maturity, how short and splendid a +period, were poured forth in one song of +human consolation,—this man for all the +madness of his creed, was yet aflame with +a wisdom to be called divine. That calm +face, lit with one desire—to drive the furies +from the way and soothe the frightened +children of men, is ever among the nobler +countenances which fancy summons about +my bed. Over the anxious heart they +flow, those slow cadences, so vibrant yet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> +so magnificently passionless, until the nerves +of pain cease to throb, and fear shrinks as +a taint impossible to the patient of such a +physician. It is not his to intimidate or +denounce, to evoke visions of lurid hell, to +linger over dire vaticinations, or apportion +to each his grade of torment, but with +cool fingers to smooth the hair back from +the forehead, and in grave, tender accents +to say: Sleep now, for it was a dream.</p> + +<p>Landor, in a fine passage, compared the +merciful tolerance of the Roman poet with +the pitiless ire of Dante, contrasting in +respect of the quality of mercy these two +poets, one in their austere perfection, but +so different in their vision of death, and +judgment, and ultimate reward. The seer +of lost worlds has written his own defence, +and was indeed but attacked to point the +sharp antithesis; but Lucretius, though he +owes it to a literary feint, is very finely +praised. And to me it seems that his +compassionate mood increased upon him +just because he was not emulous of the +world's gifts or earnest for its pleasures, +but withdrew from the press, and lived<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> +out his few great years contemplating apart +the vicissitudes of orbs and men. He did +not wait in ante-chambers or sit at wedding +feasts; but severing all entangling and +intricate threads of observance, followed +the voice which called him to solitary +places of illimitable prospect. It was not +through disillusion or injustice, or wounded +pride, that he walked aloof; but loneliness +was his birthright, and from the hills and +headlands to which solitude allured his +steps he saw the dust of mad encounters +rise to heaven, and the rent sails of foundering +galleys. He saw, and could not but +be wrung with pity for man deafened to +wise counsel by the noise of vanities, and +fiercely conspiring to precipitate his doom. +As he went by shore and upland, there +gathered in his mind those resonant hexameters +of warning or consolation, those +similes from the life of husbandry and dumb +things, which, set like diamonds in clay, +lend to the most arid arguments their own +incomparable splendour, or that homelier +beauty which instantly pierces the defences +of the heart. Not diffident as we, but of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> +a nature so infinitely absent and reserved +that in the legend his wife must concoct a +philter to remind him of his love, he is of all +the pagans the best companion for our +angrier moods. An archaic and elemental +serenity is upon his language and thought, +rebuking our unprofitable petulance; if +emotion gains him he finds utterance in +those tremendous periods "where single +words seem to gather out of the deep and +to reverberate like thunder." As the reverberation +dies away and the clouds are pierced +by the sun, the world is seen in new lights +through an air clear as upon rain-swept +mountains.</p> + +<p>As my reading is incessant, so also is my +writing. For the happiness of man is in +his fertility, and of barrenness comes the +worst despair. To be happy is to have +issue—children, or books written, or things +beautifully wrought, or monuments of goodness +to live after you, if only in the memory +of some tiny hamlet of the folded hills. +This is the law of life that Diotima knew, +by which flower and tree, animal and man, +fulfil the end of their creation; and man in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> +nothing more surely proves his lordship +than by his many-handed hold upon posterity. +For the lower creation is procreant +in one way, but man in many; who may +have offspring not of body alone but of +mind and heart, and be so redeemed from +the grim dismay of childlessness. The +greatest human happiness is to be fertile +in every way, a thing granted rarely in +the world we know; the next, perhaps, is +that of the parent who gives all of himself +to his family, not tilling any field beyond +the charmed walls confining his desire. +The author sure of his fame, the born artist, +the benefactor of his kind, are also happy, +seeing their offspring grow in years and in +the power of making a brighter world.</p> + +<p>But he is miserable who, aspiring to follow +these, feels his force wane within him while +he remains yet fatherless; or who has +sons stillborn, or weakly, or dishonoured. +I question whether sheer degradation into +evil brings more pain to man than such +sense of sterility or frustrate parentage. But +it is no small part of human redemption that +none need know the interminable misery.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> +A man may have neither sons nor genius, +but in the dark hour he can go out and +give, if it be only a penny or a kind word, +and on that foundation build a temple +to receive his thanksgiving. To give of +yourself is good. This is that grand agreement +and œcumenical consent to which +those words <i>quod ab omnibus quod ubique</i> in +deed and truth may be applied. For this +reason meanness is of the deeps, and avarice +groans in the lowest zone of hell. And if +there are faces of blank and permanent +despair upon your path, be sure that these +are not masks of whole men, but of +those who wilfully abstained from joy and +have received the greater damnation. My +children are mostly writings, poor weakly +creatures dying inarticulate and unchristened, +tenderly remembered by myself only, +but at least no nuisance to the world. I +loved them at their birth, I hold them in +remembrance, though they were ever of a +hectic and uncertain beauty.</p> + +<p>The comparison of children with branches +of the olive is not the mere ornament of a +Bible verse, but the wisdom of one who knew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> +both tree and child. For as children are +bright creatures of swiftly changing moods, +so are the olive leaves in the blue southern +air. I once read of an artist who essayed +to paint a group of olives and a cypress +growing before them. Against their silvery +leaves its dark burnished form stood finely +mysterious, the contrasting grey lending it +a depth of almost sable colour; all was +propitious for his work. Then suddenly, +the air being to all seeming quite still, +the grey-green leaves began to shake and +quiver, until each olive tree was like a silver +bonfire, tremulous with a thousand waves +of white flame flowing and following along +the branches. It was a revelation and +swift effluence of life, perplexing and full +of charm. The brush was laid down, the +moment of inspiration gone, before the +capricious leaves ceased their quivering to +be robed once more in grey, casting on +the ground that translucent shadow which +tempers the sunlight only, and does not +spoil it of its gold. In the end the +canvas was covered, but with a sketch far +less true and beautiful than the painter's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> +first happy vision. Even so of all our +children few attain the perfection of our +dreams. While we look, some influence +comes upon them and they are changed, +some breeze, born we know not where, +stirs them to their heart of joy while we +stand perplexed; innumerable laughter of +leaves, a rushing and a shivering in quick +answer to a mere breath, silence as swift +when unperceived it dies away—these are +their replies to our silent invocations. We +cannot follow the swift course, but are +quickened with a glad rejuvenescence, the +true prize and guerdon of parentage. +They may grow old or die, or bring us +sorrow; it is enough that once they so +lived and stirred a pride within us. Let +Hedonist and idealist dispute, let one +worship pleasure and another wait on the +intangible joy, but in the fathering and +mothering and the bringing up of young +children, of the flesh, the mind, or the +spirit, lies the natural happiness of men +and women. It is a joy which outlasts +disillusions; it rests surely upon achievement +and deserts which lie ponderable in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> +the archangel's scales. For it is certain +that he who creates as best he knows best +serves God, the world and himself, and +what system of Ethics has conceived a more +perfect rule?</p> + +<p>All young life is instinct with such a +beauty and trustfulness, that though he +himself may have no part or lot in its +creation, and be dumb or awkward in its +presence, a man will be the brighter for +having passed, if but for a moment, out of +the darkness of his own course into the +radiance within its orbit. To the diffident +this is an especial grace. For children by +some deeper intuition understand us as +their parents cannot do; and when all the +world is cold will often smile upon us with +happy upturned faces. It is one of my +consolations that the little players in the +parks come running to me rather than to +others with their eternal question after +the exact hour of day. For I reflect that +though my face grows wrinkled and drawn +with years, there must yet hover something +about its ugly surface which tells of a good +will within. There was a time when I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span> +found the children's question importunate, +and drew out my watch ungraciously; but +now I feel disappointment if during their +hours of play I can walk my mile without +answering one of these high-pitched +inquiries.</p> + +<p>To have the confidence of children is +indeed a thing of which a poor wanderer +may be proud, a credential confirming his +self-respect, and worthy one day to be +presented at the gate of heaven. Once +during one of my worst hours of desolation, +when I was tramping across the fields, I +found a little maid of seven picking primroses +on the edge of an old orchard. For +some time I stood watching, so charmed +with the grace of her movements and the +beauty of the spring sunlight on her golden +mane, that I lost all consciousness of present +trouble, and beyond her fairy form began +to see vague visions of lost happiness returning. +As I stood thus forgetful and looking +absently before me, I suddenly felt a touch +which recalled my scattered thoughts: she +had come to me and put her hand in mine. +I think in all my lonely life I never felt<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> +so swift a thankfulness as that which suffused +me then: the memory of it is always +with me, and now I never see a happy +child engrossed in its little task of duty or +pleasure without thinking to myself there +is one of those who truly have power to +remit sins. I will not repeat the fond things +often written about children. Not all of +them are like the infant angels of Bellini +or Filippino Lippi or Carpaccio; some +indeed are strident, pert, without charm +or candour, not doves but little jays; but +for the loveliness of those who have smiled +upon me, whether rich or poor, whether +wild or tended flowers, I shall ever hold +the whole company dear.</p> + +<p>Whether I read or write, or go painfully +upon difficult paths of thought, like many +other men whom the world dismays, I win +a larger tranquillity and a clearer vision +from an increased simplicity of life. I +know that to use the word asceticism of +one's daily practice is to incur the judgment +of all those whom the world calls +good fellows, whose motto is live and let +live, or any other aphorism of con<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span>venient +and universal remission. To them +asceticism is the deterrent saintliness which +renounces all joy, and with a hard thin +voice condemns the leanings of mankind +to reasonable indulgence. The ill-favour +drawn down by ecclesiastical exaggeration +upon the good Greek word <ins title="askêsis">ἄσκησις</ins>, which +means nothing more than the practice of +fitness, has prejudiced men against all +system of conduct bold enough to include +it in their terminology.</p> + +<p>Kant's chapter on the Ascetic Exercise +of Ethics is a fine defence of that training +of the heart and mind which has no affinity +with the morbid discipline of hair shirt +and scourge. "The ascetic exercise of the +monasteries," he says, "inspired by superstitious +fear and the hypocritical disesteem +of a man's own self, sets to work with self-reproaches, +whimpering compunction and +a torturing of the body. It is intended not +to result in virtue but to make expiation +for sins, and by self-imposed punishment +the sinners expect to do penance, instead +of ethically repenting." And again—"All +ethical gymnastics consist therefore singly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> +in subjugating the instincts and appetites +of our physical system ... a gymnastic +exercise rendering the will hardy and +robust, which by the consciousness of +regained freedom makes the heart glad."</p> + +<p>This is sound doctrine, neither ungodly +nor inhuman, the word of a man in whose +veins the warm blood yet flowed. Few +pictures of venerable age please more than +that of the old philosopher of Königsberg +drawn for us by de Quincey in one of his +miscellaneous Essays. There we see Immanuel +Kant, leading his tranquil sane +existence, giving his friends sober entertainment, +talking brightly of mundane +things, practising "the hilarity which goes +hand in hand with virtue." For me the +very eccentricities of his daily routine have +a fascination, and I read them as a devout +Catholic reads many a quaint passage in the +<i>Acta Sanctorum</i>. How wise was his nightly +habit, as he settled himself in bed before +falling asleep, to asseverate with a sigh of +thankfulness that no man living was more +contented and healthier than he! Here is +the true asceticism, the child's glad aban<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span>donment +to nature maintained and grown +articulate in philosophic age.</p> + +<p>To this beauty of plain life I cannot +attain. But my own life is as far removed +as may be from brilliant or luxurious +pleasures, and I divide my time between +the country and the town. This I do +from obedience to reason rather than +fashion; for while the country has my +love, the city is more remedial to my +peculiar pain. There the shy man may +have what Lamb called the perfect and +sympathetic solitude, as opposed to the +"inhuman and cavern-haunting solitariness," +to which his infirmity inclines. There he +and those who rub shoulders with him on +the pavement can "enjoy each other's +want of conversation." No creature with +a heart can jostle daily with his kind, but +he wins some consciousness of kindly feeling. +The very annoyances and constraints of +propinquity are in their own way disciplinary, +and insistent, uncongenial persons, like +glaring red buoys with clanging bells, serve +at least to keep us in the fairway of navigation. +And in a city there are voices of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> +cheerful exhortation always echoing in the +higher air above the roar and the trampling, +which in the interludes of coarser sound, +or by our removal into some quiet court +or garden, may be heard repeating their +stirring watchwords of endeavour. We are +told that no word spoken ever dies, +but goes reverberating through space for +ever. It is my fancy that only evil words +escape into the outer void, which eternally +engulfs their profitless message, while words +of hope and helpfulness are not thus +lightly sundered from the world that needs +them, but hover still near above us, descending +with every lull of the tumult +into those ears which are strained towards +them. The laden air of towns carries not +the rumour of the battle only, but by the +presence of these fair echoes held within it, +gives back to the soul more health than +ever it drew from the body. With this +thought I am often consoled as I go my +way through gloom and clamour and unloveliness, +finding a Providence in places +which else seem abandoned in the outer +desolation.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span></p> + +<p>Nor is the vast city to be valued only for +what it gives, but for its own wonderful +self, an obvious point which need not be +expanded into a tedious circle. The shy +will naturally draw more advantage from +so rich a field of contemplation than those +who seldom walk alone. In London I +often map out a course of wandering which +in its varied stages shall remind me of the +change in progress or decay of particular +arts or industries or different quarters of +the town. Reading their meaning in the +light of history, I make bare walls speak to +me with a personal voice. Let any one +but acquaint himself with the styles of +ecclesiastical or domestic architecture, or of +monuments of the dead, or with the history +of the thoroughfares he frequents, and he +will be pleasantly constrained to reflection +upon those who have gone before him. As +he stands in the shadow of an ancient church +he will think to himself: "By this very +wall Chaucer may have stood." As he +walks amid the reverberating ravines which +are city streets he will say: "Here along +green and silent paths the Roman legionary<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> +marched when Hadrian ruled the world." +When once the faculty of observation has +been awakened to a permanent alertness, the +desire to be widely read in history of men +and their arts will become irresistible; and +through the knowledge gradually amassed +it will be thought a sorry chance if any +ramble of wider compass yield no vision +which in comeliness or deformity tells its +tale of changing fortune. To appreciate +human work, and the conditions under +which it is born, is to exult in abounding +sympathy with this man's conquest +over things poor in promise, or to condole +with that man's failure to do the best that +in him lay.</p> + +<p>As I walk by the strand of Thames, my +fancy sees upon one flood the gay barge +gliding upward to green fields, and the +black hull bearing down the prisoner to +the Traitors' Gate. If I go up Holborn, +I remember that where this traffic now +thunders John Gerard tended his Physic +Garden when Elizabeth was queen. I know +where Sarah Siddons lived; and where +William Blake died; and my curious wan<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span>derings +are now so far extended, that when +I turn to the great book of London I seldom +find a tedious page. The places where +people strove and suffered evoke before me +the forms of men and women dead but +unforgotten, and if I am alone I am not +aware of loneliness.</p> + +<p>London is the central wonder, but wonderful +also in spirit and suggestion are +those old places which ring it round: these +I often frequent at every season, and +carry their portraits over my heart. Let +a man once learn to know them, and his +memory shall never starve; he will never +forget the hour when first they yielded him +up their secret. Many moments of intimate +delight do I treasure in remembrance, +moments when I was suddenly aware that all +previous impressions were the poor gatherings +of purblind eyes; but I will only tell you +of one, which may suffice to show what +riches lie ever open to those who roam in +solitude.</p> + +<p>It was mid-April and the close of a +cloudless day. I had been to the Observatory +hill at Greenwich to see the sun set<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> +over London, looking for such a transfiguration +of the grey city as should reveal its +line of warehouses lying along the horizon +in a mist of splendour like the walls of +the New Jerusalem. So I had seen it +before, marvellous and refined in unearthly +fire: but to-day, in a sadder mood, and +hungering more deeply for the vision, I +looked out to the west in vain. For the +wind had set in from the east, and driven +back upon the town a zone of iron-grey +smoke, ragged along its upper edge like a +great water blown to spray, but merging +below with those gloomy and innumerable +buildings. Upon this the sun, which all +day had ridden in a clear air, was slowly +falling, losing radiance with every minute, +until as it approached that gloomy spray it +was luminous no more, but a dull red orb +whose light, like a flame withdrawn into +the consumed heart of coals, glows for +awhile beneath a gathering film of grey. +In a few minutes it descended, as if sadly +and of resolution, into the murky sea, +where for a moment its red curves seemed +to refine the smoke into translucency;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> +but at last the dun waves gathered upon +it dark and voluminous, drowning it so +deeply that the clearer sky above was +instantly robbed of the wonted after-glow. +Some pale reflection there was in the upper +heaven, ensuring a time of twilight, but +no glory; and smitten with a congruous +sadness, I went down to the river. But +there, pacing to and fro as if upon a quarter-deck, +with the water lapping upon the wall +beneath, I lived one of the happy hours of +life, redeemed from disappointment, and +carried far into a magical world.</p> + +<p>The flood tide, which had turned for +more than an hour, was now racing down +wilful for the sea, though the breeze ruffling +its surface seemed to thwart and stay its +eager course. And on the surface, indeed, +chafed and broken into innumerable ripples, +the wind triumphed; but as one looked +westwards towards the city, it was clear +that the sullen strength of stream and +tide had the mastery. For over the broad +curving reach, lit like white unburnished +silver with the reflection of the pallid sky, +there glided forward a line of barges each<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +with every red sail set, and as silent as if +they sallied from a besieged city. One by +one they hung out their lights, the lamps +swaying and casting yellow bars over the +quivering water, until in perfect silence +all passed down before me. Each in turn +attaining the lower bend where the river +sweeps northward, went about and stood +for the Middlesex shore; and then for a +moment the wind seemed to overcome the +tide, for before the boat could win new +way, lying almost broadside across the +stream, the breeze held her motionless, like +a tired bird on a windy day when it flies +out from the shelter of the wood. It was +but for a moment, and then the blunt +bows glided forward towards the north +bank, and another barge succeeded in the +gathering gloom.</p> + +<p>And so it was until all were passed. The +departing light drew the colours from the +red sails and the silvery brightness from +the river; all forms became outlined in +black upon what uncertain light remained. +Two men put off in a boat from an anchored +ship; the mingled sound of their oars and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> +voices came with subdued tone as if out of +an infinite distance. Then the whole reach +lay bare and silent for a while, and only the +little waves lapping upon the stone steps +played an accompaniment to my dream.</p> + +<p>The hour and the place compelled to +reverie, and memory consenting to their +evocative charm, I peopled the still scene +with the forms of those who had swayed or +shared the fortunes of this land; imperious +Elizabeth and gentler Mary, the slight +heroic figure with one sleeve pinned empty +on the breast, and all those who, going down +to their business in deep waters or returning +therefrom, have saluted with melancholy +or with joy these towers and this wooded +hill. I thought of the lads playing beneath +these trees, and so inbreathing the spirit +of this place that for them there was no +career but to follow the river down to +ocean, and ocean himself in his circuit of +the world. I thought of the veterans +returned from that quest, old Argonauts +of a later day, now clustering round the +Hospital fires and perhaps recalling amid +tales of havens and high seas the very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> +morning when they first dropped round +the bend and passed into the new world +beyond. For this Thames is such an avenue +and entry into marvellous life that earth +can show no greater rival, none more rich in +dignity or in the multitude of its merchandise. +And if the flood of that merchandise +shall cease, and the stream once more go +lonely to the sea or carry coracles, it cannot +be again as if it had never borne great ships, +or swung the Admiral's galley on its tide.</p> + +<p>It is good for an Englishman to stand +here and listen to the brown waters lapping +on the old walls and caulked timbers; to +hear, as an under murmur, voices of Lechlade +and Bablockhythe, for all intervening +leagues of wood and meadow not altogether +lost: before this persistence and continuity +of youth to feel high thoughts stir within +him and solemnize the nativity of new +resolve. You cannot feel beneath your feet +these old stones trodden by the great +generations of your own blood and kindred, +and not be moved to walk uprightly, to +be approved by their shades as one not +unworthy of such descent. For whether<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +such worn stones be in the aisle of some +great minster, or here, paving this narrow +way for hurrying feet, the inspiration is as +strong and the thankfulness not other. +For this is a place of meridian, the navel +of our land and empire; the wind searching +its alleys has no usual voice, but as it were +a deep and oceanic sound, according with +old ballads and stories of the sea.</p> + +<p>I lingered leaning upon the rail until +the tide had fallen from the wall, tracing +along the narrow pebbled foreshore a clear +marginal line of irregular contour, now +sinuous, now straight, but palely luminous +like a silver tone on some enamel of old +Italy, a line drawn by a master draughtsman, +in its inevitable and sure perfection wholly +satisfying the eye. With the dark bank it +vanished towards the great city, now marked +in the upper sky by a hovering brightness +of light escaped beyond the smoky rampart +to tell the effort of innumerable lamps +beneath, all pouring their blurred and vain +effulgence to the disdainful stars.</p> + +<p>Moreover, the city will give the shy man +all the consolations of art, philosophy and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span> +literature of which his education or experience +may have made him worthy. He +can see great pictures or read great books +at little cost, and find in them the truest of +friends in need. It is so obvious that a +solitary of any culture will find relief with +such companions, that here I take for +granted his resort to their aid, and will +only mention two resources from which +the real recluse often draws less advantage +than he might, I mean orchestral music +and the drama. Any man of feeling who +hears a great symphony ceases to be self-centred +with the first movement; he goes +out of himself, and rides upon waves of +sound, exalted by this majesty of collective +effort. No other music thrills his whole +being like this, which sweeps him with all +around into the very course of changing +fates. In the confluence of dim hopes and +passions which rise above the harmonies +like smoke-wreaths riding the red flame, +the soul glows interfluous with other souls +and is elated with the inspiration of their +presence. He bears arms exulting who +never had comrades till now; his will is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span> +absorbed in confederate joy and human +force unanimous. In this abandonment of +the whole being, the diffident know their +fellows near, and in the ecstasy of shared +emotion learn the full measure of their +humanity. Philosophers in all ages have +known and taught the power of music in +compelling ten thousand to the love of one, +and so ennobling an infinite multitude in +the glow of a common emotion. Sound +was the first instinctive language, one for +man and winds and waters; and music, +which is the development of this primeval +converse, leaving to grammars the expression +of cold and abstract thought, has +gathered about her in her mountain caverns +the echoes of all sighs sad or passionate, of +all inarticulate cries born of aspiration or +desire, and there blended them into eternal +harmonies which at her word flow forth +and join the hearts of men.</p> + +<p>Indeed, that swift responsiveness of feeling +which music thus awakes is a gift beyond +gems of Golconda; not youth's swift effusion +cheaply given and soon forgotten, but the +vibration of a heart stirred in sympathy with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> +some profound note of life, as the dyed +pane stirs and quivers when the organ gives +forth its deepest tones. Sentiment is a +draught of old wine passing into the veins +and enriching the blood, until in the +generous glow all the privations and the +stints of loneliness are forgotten. Pure +emotion is like righteous anger, which may +be lawfully indulged if the sun go not down +upon it; and as he who shrinks from all +fire of wrath lives but a vaporous life, so +he who will never be moved is proud of a +poor crustacean strength, like the limpet, +winning darkness in exchange for dull +stability. As for me, in the propitious +hour when the heart longs for expansion, +I give it honourable licence, and quicken +its unfolding by spells of magical words. +At such times I invoke the aid of passionate +souls, not shrinking even from the vain, +provided that they loved greatly and give +great expression to their humanity. Such +is that wild lover of George Sand whose +<i>Souvenir</i>, for all its rhetoric, charms like an +incantation. The ancients quenched the +ashes of the pyre with red wine, as if the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> +blood of the god-given vine could hearten +the spirit that yet hovered near. Over my +ashes let no wine be poured, but read me +such verses high and valiant, that if my +soul yet lingers undelivered from the earth's +attraction it may be regenerated and set +free into a braver life.</p> + +<p>And let the lonely man be an assiduous +frequenter of the playhouse, for the drama +will also open the world's heart to him, and +that by a plainer and less elusive speech. +Seated in the theatre among his kind, he +knows a deeper pleasure than other men; +for while to these the changing scene brings +remembrance or anticipation of familiar +things, to him it reveals whole vistas of +life which, except in dreams, his feet may +never tread. When the curtain is rung +down, and he goes out into the street, for +a while at least his existence is transformed. +All those front doors aligned in their innumerable +sequence, which in daylight or +darkness he passes when he wanders alone, +are now no longer barred against him; +they open at the touch of his fancy, and +he sees within the light of homeliness,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span> +where father, mother, and child weave +round warm firesides their close conspiracies +of affection. At last he knows what +is passing behind those bars; like an old +family friend he takes his place by the fire +and receives as of right the confidences +which in his real lonely life never find +their way to his ears. He helps the lovers +to build their cloudy castles, he reasons +away the parents' care, he goes up-stairs +with a shaded candle to look in upon the +children sleeping. Good women unlock the +jewel-caskets which are their souls; happy +maidens are sisterly with him; strong men +grapple him to their hearts and call him +friend. He that was vagabond has now +innumerable homes, and of the faces that +fleet by him out of doors there are always +some which seem to give him greeting.</p> + +<p>These secret and unavowed alliances +transfigure the unlovely streets, and light +in the cavernous blank houses many a glowing +and familiar hearth. As he goes on, +careless of distance or direction, he is now +inwardly busy with fresh and delightful +dreams. He plights his troth and earth is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> +Eden; he imagines brilliant hours for the +dream-children who go by his side, +holding each of his hands. And if the +visions change, and sorrow or sin pass in +over a familiar threshold, what generous +abnegation, what pity, what righteous wrath +does he not know, until the plastic power +of fancy moulds out of this poor recluse +a man like other men. Amid these +visionary sympathies time goes quickly by, +and returning to his voiceless dwelling he +has stored up such wealth of dreams that +he can even endure the supreme test when +the lonely man finds himself sitting in the +wan light with no one near him to whom +he is dear. Of the strength and peacefulness +which bring him safely through that +hour of desolation he owes much to the +players, who have shot the drab texture of +life with an infinity of bright and tender +hues, so that he can bear to turn it in his +hands and look upon it with a wistful +pleasure. I say, then, let the shy man +frequent the playhouse, and there facet and +burnish his dulled mind until it reflects, if +it may not touch, the many-sided world.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span></p> + +<p>For the discipline of sympathy, for the +quickened sense of comradeship in work, +for the very presence of that unloveliness +which compels sympathy, I dwell more +months in the town than in the country-side. +But remembering what Nature did +to save me, and owing her an endless debt +of filial duty, I return to her in the summer +days, and to make up for the long months +of separation cling nearer to her than most +of her truant sons. For communion with +Nature, the ideal joy of country life, is not +attained by the sportsman or the mere +player of games, who think of their bodies +chiefly, and use as a means to rude physical +vigour the end ordained for the fine contentience +of body, mind, and spirit. Again +I will pass by the obvious and familiar +resources of outdoor life, and speak only of +such as men are unaccountably prone to +neglect.</p> + +<p>There is a way of learning nature which +in this wet land is mostly followed by +tramps and vagrants; the way of sleeping +beneath the stars. So far is this joy from +the thoughts of most men, that even George<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> +Borrow felt a strange uneasiness when for +the first time the darkness descended upon +him in the open country. I think we +carry with us all our lives that fear of night +with which nursery tales inspired our childhood; +it reinforces the later more reasoned +fear of boisterous weather, or of the men +who walk in darkness because their works +are evil. We shrink from night as a chill +privation of daylight, as a gloom which +we must traverse, but not inhabit; the +distrust becomes with years instinctive and +universal, and the nearest approach to +friendly relation with night attained by +most of us is a timid liking for the twilight +hours. Yet as the sun rises alike upon the +just and upon the unjust even so does he +descend, and we put a slight upon Providence +if we abandon to rogues and rakes +that wonderful kingdom of the darkness +of which by natural prerogative we are +enfranchised. By never using our proper +freedom, we give them prescriptive licence +of usurpation, so that the hours in which +the heavens are nearest to us are become +the peculiar inheritance of thieves.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span></p> + +<p>I confess that on the night when first I +set out to do without a bedroom I too felt +all the force of the traditional mistrust. +I heard human whispers in the wind, and +saw the shadows of walls and trees as forms +of men lurking to spring out against me. +The movements of roosting birds startled +me as I passed; the sudden silences startled +me more. And when I had spread my gear +on the ground and settled down to rest, +the sense of exposure on every side made +sleep impossible; time after time I seemed +to hear footsteps stealthily approaching; +and there was a strangeness pervading +everything which to my nervous fancy was +simply provocative of apparitions. This +lasted many nights; and whether I established +myself on the edge of a copse, or in +the open grass, or in a hammock beneath +two trees, I continued a prey to the same +uneasy wakefulness. But then, as if satisfied +of good faith by such perseverance, the +night began to wear a friendly aspect, the +shadows gave up their ghosts, and the +breezes became the expected messengers of +slumber.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span></p> + +<p>When the lonely sleeper-out has grown +familiar with the moonlight and the darkness, +he is admitted into the number of +earth's favoured sons; for lying like a child +upon her bosom, he hears her heart beating +in the silence, and wakes to see her smiling +in her beauty like a queen apparelled. +To no man slumber comes more gently +than to him; and his uprising is as that +of a child exulting in the cloudless day. +Health and innocence return to him, and +his one sorrow is that he has lived into +maturity without continually partaking of +these sane and natural delights. Remorse +is his that for all these years he has feared +the dews and shrunk from the bland night +airs; and remembering the needless imprisonment +of a hundred chambers, he +mourns over the irrecoverable hours which +would have rooted his life more deeply in +tranquillity and strength. But the June +sun is up, and the birds are singing: he +strides with light step over the grass, watching +the rabbits play in the glades, and in +unison with a host of fellow-creatures +singing a welcome to the dawn. When it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span> +is time for him to think of home and he +comes once more beneath a doorway, he +has a mind refreshed by the quietude of +dim space, and a heart replenished with +innocence and good-will. He who so +sleeps hates no man, and will go upon the +dullest way free from petulance or despair. +The scent of the rich earth is in his +nostrils, and the clearness of morning air +has passed into his eyes.</p> + +<p>I have made my lair in many places since +I first kept house with Nature. I have +couched in heather by the pines of hills +far above the Sussex Weald; I have lain +in dry furrows or on the margin of a copse, +or in the parks of the children of fortune, +for whose welfare, in gratitude for their +unconscious hospitality, I shall ever pray. +But of all wild resting-places I have known, +the openest are the most delightful. To +see the whole sweep of the stars; to lie +on the shorn ground free of all that overshadows +or encompasses or confines; to +breathe in the great gulf of air; to stretch +unhindered limbs—this is an initiation into +a new life, a pleasant memory in the long<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> +glooms of winter. Let nothing come between +you and the stars, that they may +look well upon your face, and haply repenting +of some ancient unkindliness, draw you +at this rebirth a new horoscope of blessing +and fair fortune. And if slumber tarries +when you lie in an open spot, you may +consciously ride the great globe through +space, and like the shepherd watching by +his flock in the clear night while star rises +after star, grow aware of the great earth +rolling to the east beneath you.</p> + +<p>In these still hours of night or early +dawn there steals upon the charmed mind +an Orphic sense of worship and inexplicable +joy. For here on bare uplands and wooded +hills, where the starlight rains down through +the silence, or the day, welling up over the +rim of the downs, glides fresh from the lips +of ocean, a calm river of light, here is the +place of Dionysus, of him born from fire +and dew, Zagreus the soul of clean souls +and wild lives, his heart a-quiver with +vague sadness drawn from all the worlds, +Eleutherios, loosener of heart and lip, the +regenerator, the absolver, the eternally mis<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span>understood, +whose true followers are priests +of impassioned pure life, whose wine is not +juice of grapes but the clear air ambient +upon the hills. Here when sleep is shamed +away by expectant awe, the whole being +grows one with all-environing life; personality +glides into the stream of cosmic +existence, lost and found a thousand times +in the trance and ecstasy of dim divine +feelings beyond the power of words inexpressible. +It is miracle; it is religion; +it is a feast of purification above pomps or +mysteries, a cleansing ritual without victims +and undefiled. In such hours, and in such +hours alone, man and things are joined in +a supreme utterance of life high and humble, +transient and immortal, by which the +fellowship of all existences within the +universe is made real and significant to +the initiate mind. For in the day fences +are about us, roofs and towers impend +above our heads, we are cribbed in streets +and markets, the din of rhetoric or sordid +bargaining fills our ears. Or if we withdraw +into some still chamber, yet the walls +built by hired hands offend, and the door<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span>posts +of sapless timber; no high influence +can penetrate to us save through the close +court of memory, and compared with the +breezy starlit meadows, how poor an avenue +to the soul is that!</p> + +<p>And the exuberant sun of noon distracts, +and the multitude of his beams is troublous, +for what does sight avail if the things of +the heart's desire are lost in immeasurable +perplexities of light? For in the high day +the quivering bright air is more opaque +than the dim spaces of night, so tranquil +and severe, or the glowing kingdoms of the +morning. At the springing of the day the +eyes open upon awakening flowers, giving +filial heed to the marvellous earth which +waits in patience for a human greeting. +I like the passage in which Chaucer tells +how in May-time his couch was spread in +an arbour upon the margin of the grass, +that he might wake to see the daisies unfold +their petals. Sleeping thus, he also must +have known those intervals of slumber +when a sense of some impending wonder +grows too strong for sleep, and all nature +seems calling to high vision. Often I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +have been thus awakened, not by noise or +movement, but as it were by some strange +prescience of beauty constraining me to +rise and look. Once I was drawn some +distance round the corner of a copse, and +there, low in the sable-blue of the sky, in +a rivalry of intense but dazzling light, the +crescent moon hung splendid over against +a great constellation which glittered like a +carcanet of diamonds. They seemed to +speak together as if in some scene or passage +of celestial drama, nor did I know which +was the diviner speech, the moon's unwavering +effulgence or that leaping coruscation +of the stars. Nothing stirred on the +right hand or the left, but earth and air +were hushed, as if before that colloquy all +sound and motion were miraculously holden. +Tall trees brown with densest shadows were +massed upon one side, obscuring half the +heaven, and lending by their contrasted +gloom that sense of wizardry in natural +things which enchants the clear summer +nights when the air is still.</p> + +<p>This is but one among many visions of +which the remembrance makes life worship<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span>ful; +and it is pity that at the hour of +their coming well-nigh all whom they should +delight lie chambered within brick walls, +lost in sleep or in the mazes of unprofitable +thoughts. For these things in their rare +appearances are more precious than an +hour's slumber, were it dreamless as a +child's, or all the watches of luxurious +unrest. If another summer is given me +I hope to take the road when July has +come with balmy nights, and wander days +at a stretch with all I need upon my +shoulders. Then I shall know the real +joy of vagrancy, caring little where night +finds me, and quickening my steps for +nothing and for no man. I shall linger in +every glade or on every hill-top which +calls to me to stay; I shall tell all the +hedgerow flowers, and lean over the gates +to watch the foals playing. The brooks +shall be my washing-basins, and I shall +quench hunger and thirst in the tiled +kitchens of lonely farmsteads. If I hear +the shriek of a train I shall smile when I +think of its cooped and harried passengers, +and plunge devious into some pathless wood,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> +in whose depths the only sounds are the tap +of the woodpecker's bill or the measured +axe-strokes of the woodman. I shall fling +myself down to rest under what tree I will, +and pulling from my pocket the book of +my choice, I shall summon a wise and +cheerful companion to my side as easily +as ever oriental magician called a jinn +to do him service. I shall once more be +commensal with wild creatures, and wonder +that solitude was ever a pain; I shall be +healthily disdainful of the valetudinarian +who lives to spoil either his body or his soul.</p> + +<p>These are the wanderings which henceforward +will chiefly suffice to my need. +For since I roamed my fill in other +continents the gadfly may no longer sting +me out of my tranquil haunts. In their +youth lonely people suffer more than others +from that restlessness which fills the mind +with sudden distaste for the present scene, +and a fierce longing to be somewhere far +away. Others are preserved from it by +the love of home; but we, in our poverty +of attachment, listen more readily to the +depreciating voice.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span></p> + +<p>I remember how deep had always been +my longing to look out upon the sea +from some Greek island, and how one day, +when this desire was granted, and I walked +along hills set high above the blue Ægean, +I was seized with an instant yearning to +be instead upon Ranmore Common in +Surrey. Yet at that moment a life's +ambition was being fulfilled; I stood in +a scene of incomparable beauty, gazing +down on those deep azure waters whose +voice is always to me as a lament for wandering +Odysseus; the lower slopes were +rich with olive trees, powdering with silver +the tilled lands round a beautiful monastery +lying there in its enchanted rest. +Dark cypresses rose amid white walls of +villages, by the contrast of their gloom +making all bright colours glorious; away +to the left, where the shore verged westward +tracing inimitable curves between field +and sea, lay slumbering a little white town +with minarets and walled gardens and +tiny haven—a very place for Argonauts; +and yet my thoughts turned to the chalk +downs of England and honeysuckle crown<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span>ing +the unfruitful hollies. <i>Sed quia semper +abest quod aves praesentia temnis</i>;—Such +desire has distracted Roman minds; the +perversity is very old; and perhaps only +children find no disillusion in the accomplishment +of a dream.</p> + +<p>For our feet have one country and our +dreams another, and there is no constancy +in us. It is not alone in the bartering of +one earthly scene for its fellow that we +suffer the sick thirst of change; but into +the rarest hour of achieved ideal to which +hope promised her supreme satisfaction, +the same wayward longing will often find +a way; as in a sacred place amid the purest +and most exquisite meditations of the soul, +there will suddenly flit inexplicable shadows +of irreverence, with echoes of incongruous +voices from the abandoned world.</p> + +<p>But now as the years pass and the penury +of human love has made the home woods +and fields more dear, I feel that this unrest +is drawing to its end. For as the seasons +pass over the uplands and the meadows, +clothing them with new splendours between +the seed-time and the harvest, no vision<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span> +rises upon the memory dearer and more +beneficent than theirs. As the lover's fancy +dwells upon the image of his beloved in +this or that environment, and thus or thus +arrayed, so I see the woods and fields in the +various glories of the year and know not in +which garb I love them best. They have +heard my laments, my confidences, all my +broken resolves: they are bound to me by +so pure and intimate an affection that all +those grander wonders of the world should +never draw me again from this allegiance. +Not for the vision of Himalaya piercing the +heaven, or the sunsets of Sienna, or the +moonlight on the Taj Mahal, or for any +other beauty or any wonder shall I weary +of the cornfields framed in elms or the great +horses turning in the furrow against the +evening sky.</p> + +<p>For with the growth of years our desires +wander less, and are mercifully contracted +to the scope of our wearying powers. We +haunt the same old places and want the +same old things, dwelling amongst them +with an increasing constancy of devotion. +For we find that year by year the old<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span> +places and things are not really the same; +something has touched them in our absence; +strange still agencies have intervened, long +silences of dissolution and the ineluctable +fate of change. And so that perfect sameness +which we find unattainable takes on +the quality of ideal and demands the +grown man's devotion, as the change that +is forbidden casts its resistless spell over the +guarded and tethered child. The eyes of +youth are on the far end of the vista, those +of age upon the near; the old horse that +has drawn the coulter through the clay is +glad for the four hedges of the paddock +which irk the growing colt's desire. When +Richard Jefferies was asked why he walked +the same lane day after day, at first he was +at a loss for a reply; but gradually the +reason became clear to him. It was because +he had become aware of the iron law: +<i>Nothing twice</i>: he wanted the same old +and loved things not twice but endlessly; +he was yearly more eager to be with them, +and paint indelibly upon his memory their +delicate quiet beauty, their soft and +perishable charm.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span></p> + +<p>That is how I also feel, as with the +return of summer I wander out into the +old meadows and climb the familiar hills; +I find myself hoping that nothing is changed, +and am stirred with sweet anxieties of +reminiscence. And surely within the enchanted +boundaries of the counties where +I ramble, there is variety which not the +hundred eyes of Argus could exhaust. +These fields and woodlands in high summer +feast all the senses with a surfeit of delights. +How good it is to exercise in all its range +the fine mechanism of the body, suffering +each part of it to indulge its own hunger +after beauty; to feel the texture of petals, +and draw the long grasses through the +fingers; to breathe an air laden with the +scent of blossoms, passing from uplands +fragrant with bean-flowers into untilled +regions odorous with pines; to hear the +birds' chorus at sunrise and the distant +sound of reaping; to see innumerable +marvels; the belts of clover mantling +wine-dark in the wind; the poppies in the +standing corn, the carmine yew-stems on +the downs; above you the soft grey clouds<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span> +delicately floating; below you, as the day +declines, some distant lonely water emerging +in its glory to be the mirror and refuge +of all heaven's light; to remember the +gorse and broom and look forward to the +royal purple of the heather—all this is a +consummation of pure life, a high, sensuous +pleasure penetrating to the inmost soul, +and of such exceeding price that to disdain +its offerings or to pass incurious before +them, is to live in the blindness of the +tribe of Genseric.</p> + +<p>In such wanderings the mind is filled +with slow and seasonable thoughts, lasting +as the trees and buildings of the country-side. +Old deliberate contemplations, perceptions +after long regard ingathered from +abundant nature, theories leisurely compacted +in sunshine or storm, to stand in +the fields of memory, crowned with beauty +by the indulgent years. So in the visible +meadows stand the ancient barns, with roofs +of umber tiles parcel-gilded with old gold of +lichen, and crowning their seasoned timbers +"as naturally as leaves"; restful structures +of a quiet age, capacious of dim<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span> +space, unvexed by the glare of a hundred +summers.</p> + +<p>And if you ask what profit is here for +one who must do battle in the loud world, +study for a while the artifice and industrious +policy of plants by which they attract to +themselves the visitants they need or with +most masterful defence repel the importunate +advance, and you will return to +the societies of men, even to their parliaments, +enriched with arts of prudence +beyond the practice of Machiavel. Examine +the dog-rose upon the hedge, how +by putting forth thorns it raises itself to +the light and ranges irresistible along the +leafy parapets; see how the flowers adapt +their form and colour to the convenience +of the bee or the predilections of the bird; +consider the furze armed with spines against +browsing muzzles, and be near when it casts +its seed wide upon the earth; and then say +if among states or governments there is a +wiser economy or an intelligence more +provident of its end. I myself have the +conceit that if time, revoking my sentence +of superannuation, should restore my lost<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span> +years and add youth to the wisdom learned +along the hedges, even I, a very profitless +weed, should not again so uncivilly decay, +but flower to another June and see my seed +multiply around me.</p> + +<p>Perhaps, if that might be, I should strive +to learn thoroughly, and bring science to +bear upon experience. But, as I am, +classifications and dissections are repellent +to my fancy. I cannot get to the hearts +of flowers by any Linnæan approach, but +go rather by the old animistic way, still +honoured by Milton through his Genius +of the Woods:</p> + +<div class="block"> +<div class="poem"> +"When evening gray doth rise I fetch my round,<br /> +Over the mount and all this hallowed ground,<br /> +And early, ere the breath of odorous morn<br /> +Awakes the slumbering leaves."<br /> +</div></div> + +<p>So I greet the blossoms of hill and upland +and water-meadow, knowing them all by +their country names, and sometimes fancying +that they know me back: all that is +lacking is the tutelary power to guard +their growth and prolong their bright and +fragrant lives. What fine old names they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> +have, great with the blended dignities of +literary and rural lore; archangel, tormentil, +rosa solis or sun-dew, horehound, +Saracen's wound-wort, melilot or king's +clover, pellitory of Spain! I cannot coldly +divide so fine a company into bare genera +and species, but imagine for them high +genealogies and alliances by an imaginative +method of my own: to me the lily and the +onion shall never be connections.</p> + +<p>If I must read books on flowers, I take +down such a one as Nicholas Culpeper's +<i>Complete Herbal</i>, written from "my house +in Spitalfields next the Red Lion, September +5th, 1653." For here is a man who attempers +science with the quaintest fancies +after the manner of his generation, and +delightfully misinterprets the real affinity of +the flowers and the heavens. "He that +would know the operation of the herbs +must look up to the stars astrologically," +says this master; and so to him briony is +"a furious martial plant," and brank ursine +"an excellent plant under the dominion +of the moon." Of rosemary he says, "the +sun claims privilege in it, and it is under<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> +the celestial ram," and of viper's bugloss, +"it is a most gallant herb of the sun." +The bay-tree rouses him to real eloquence, +though not for Apollo's sake. "It is a +tree of the sun and under the celestial sign +of Leo, and resists witchcraft very potently, +as also all the evils that old Saturn can do +to the body of man; for neither witch +nor devil, thunder nor lightning will hurt +a man in the place where a bay-tree is."</p> + +<p>Reading in this old book of the ordinance +and virtues of the familiar herbs, I escape +from the severities of botanical science into +a maze of queer fancies, well suited to those +retrospective hours when we love best what +we least believe. And by the pleasant +suggestion of astrology I am led on to +contemplate the starry heavens, which I +do in the ancient pastoral way, peopling +them with mythical forms and connecting +them with the seasonable changes of rustic +toil. I forget for the moment all the +discoveries of Copernicus and Kepler, and +see eye to eye with Cleostratus of Tenedos +who nightly watched the stars from the +sacred slopes of Ida.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span></p> + +<p>Much as the companionships of nature +have meant for me, I would not have any +man content himself with these alone. It +is not right to live the slave of Pales, or +become the rhapsode of docks and nettles. +To be all for the lower life, were it the +fairest, is derogation; and Har and Heva +before they may enter into their kingdom +of the flowers must first be fallen spirits. +But continually in the interludes of human +endeavour to rebathe the mind at these +clear wells does indeed exceedingly purify +and strengthen against the returning and +imminent encounter. Those long retreats +at Walden may not often be repeated, for +man is either risen too high or too far +fallen to live well in the sole company of +animals and flowers. What sociologists call +the consciousness of kind is as vital to man +as the consciousness of self; and to pine +for adoption into an alien kind is vain on +this side transmigration.</p> + +<p>Not seldom my wanderings in town and +country lead me to quiet churchyards, or +to those vast cemeteries where the living +have established the dead in avenues and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span> +streets of tombs after their drear suburban +fashion. Solitude has ever persuaded to +the contemplation of death, and in these +silent places I feel no shock of sadness but +am rather possessed by a familiar spirit of +peace. As I wander from path to path, +my fancy is not lamed by mournful thoughts, +but finds suggestion amid the poor laconic +histories by which these headstones appeal +to him that passes by.</p> + +<p>It is with most men a natural desire to +take their last rest in some green God's +acre, far from the smoke and turmoil of +towns, lying in a fair space amid a small +company, where there is a wide prospect +of tilled lands, and the reapers cut the +swathes against the very churchyard wall. +And this is my most usual aspiration; yet +there are times when I would not shrink +in thought from the Valley of Ezekiel, +and would be content to be written a mere +number in some city of the dead, where +at last after all the loneliness of life I should +no longer be kept apart, but be gathered +to my fellows where they lie in their +thousands, and be received a member of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span> +their society. And though I well know +that it matters not a cummin-seed whether +my bones are washed to and fro on the +bed of the sea or my ashes cast to the +winds of heaven, yet I humour this +fancy, and find a quiet pleasure in the +thought that death at least may end this +isolation.</p> + +<p>And what if the propinquity of these +poor remains be gage and promise of a +sympathy of souls unveiled and unhidden +by false semblances of the body? Then +should death indeed be the crown of a long +desire and give me at the last the fellowship +into which life denied initiation. +Surely, as Coleridge dreamed, there is a +sex in souls, which, disengaged from the +coarse companionship of the flesh, shall see +into each other's crystal deeps. Thence, in +new life, when the last recondite secret is +withholden no longer, there shall come forth +those qualities and powers that ennobled +man and woman in mortality; they shall +come forth in all their several strength and +beauty, divinely animate, and reflecting +upon each other bright rays and soft<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span> +colours invisible upon these misty oceans +of our navigation.</p> + +<p>It is not terrible to think, at times, on +death, for that <i>danse macabre</i> which troubled +the fancy of our forefathers is now danced +out, and the silent figure that knocks at +every door comes not as a grinning skeleton +but as one of more gentle countenance +than any art can express. The natural +change, which to William Blake was but +the passing out of one room into another, is +well personified in the merciful figure with +the kind eyes, coming at the sounded hour +to lead away into quietness. My solitude +has taught me to know well those noble +efforts which art has made to lift from our +bowed backs the burden of the fear of death: +I like to look upon that youthful Thanatos +carved upon a column from the temple of +the Ephesian Diana, and every year the red +leaves of autumn persuade my steps to that +village rich in elms where lived one who +also saw death so, and laboured to draw the +frightened eyes of men from the hour-glass +and the skull to the gracious vision of the +deliverer and friend. There hands which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span> +were dear to him have raised a place of +leave-taking upon a green slope, a house +of farewell set upon the shore to receive +the last pledges from the living to the +absolved and unburdened dead.</p> + +<p>When first I saw Compton it was a +cloudless noon in August, the day of days +in which to come alone into this silent +place. Out of the fiery heat beaten from +wall and path like a blinding spray of light, +it is a passage into a dimness of cool space, +an air glaucous as the shade of olives. +There from the circuit of a dome look +down kind faces of immortal youth, in +form and habit too tranquil for our life, +but made homely to us by the mercy in +their eyes, and some quality of the white +soft hands which draws all weariness and +all pain towards them. To me it was as +though some furious struggle in the waves +were over, and swooning out of life I had +awakened upon a floor of translucent ocean, +where, in a gracious and tempered light, +beings of a compassion too intense for earth, +each with a gesture that was not yet a +touch, were charming all the bruises of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> +lost battle away. Surely this is true vision +of things to come, and to such mercy we +shall awaken. It cannot be that when the +eyes reopen they shall see the forms of +dark apparitors, or that the ears shall hear +Æacus and Rhadamanthys speaking in dim +halls their cold, irrevocable dooms. No, +but there shall be a pause and respite upon +the way from one to another life, and none +may be conceived more grateful than this +rest, as it were a sojourn beneath waters +of Eunoë, where a flood of dear memories +foreboding good shall absolve us from the +mortal sin of fear.</p> + +<hr class="hr2" /> + +<p>Turning back over these pages, I am +conscious that I have failed to give real +experiences their proper life. Describing +solitude I have been dull; I have fixed +the rushing flames of emotion in poor +flamboyant lines. I have written far more +than any reader but yourself will have cared +to follow; but now at any rate the confession +is over, and in the future I shall +work, and use my sight for a worthier end +than introspection. It has been said that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span> +the tale of any life is interesting if sincerely +told; and it may be that the most ordinary +lives have the advantage, because it is the +common experience which touches most +hearts. For the greater part mine has been +a common life, unglorified by hazards in +the field, or bright fulfilment of ambition; +it had been better for its peace +if it might wholly have kept the comfortable, +usual way.</p> + +<p>I sometimes wonder whether the printing +of these pages will reveal to me any +kinsmen in affliction, for such there must +be going westward alone, and I wish that +for a moment we might foregather as we +pass, to compare the marvels of our isolation. +Then perhaps I might be urged to +higher effort, hearing stories more pitiful +than mine, tales of silent courage under +ban of excommunion to shame me from the +very thought of despair. Poets have metaphorically +given colours to souls; mine, I feel, +is only grey, the common hue of shadows; +but it was steeped in gloom by a veritable +pain and evils really undergone. And as +I reflect upon what I have written, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> +try to imagine it read by some brisk person +utterly content with life, I can well understand +that the whole thing would appear +to him incredible, too preposterously strange +for belief, a rigmarole of sick fancies beyond +the power of hellebore. So be it: I expect +small comprehension and no mercy, for +indeed I have written caring little for such +consequence, yielding to that human thirst +for utterance which only confession can +slake; as one eases pain by a moan though +there are none to hear it. It is not +altogether a grateful task. For hardly, +and then only in a fortunate hour, to one +whose years and feelings have been interwoven +with his own, will even a healthy +man tell the tale of his hidden emotion; +and mine is the deeper reticence of a +habit which has ever held closely to +the recipe of fernseed. To entrust a +confidence to one of unproven sympathy, +is to risk a profitless embarrassment. It +has been most truly said that both parties +to such impulsive avowals, whenever they +afterwards meet, must feel a constraint as +of confederacy in misdemeanour.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span></p> + +<p>I have hope that though I came late to +the steady labour of the vineyard, I may +yet earn my wage and begin the new day +with the rest. Like Joseph Poorgrass I +can now almost regard my diffidence as +an interesting study, and agree with the +rustic man of calamities that destiny might +have made things even worse. Certainly +the pain grows less fierce; I can go more +readily among my fellows for all but social +ends. For those who live much apart learn +at last to see men not as individuals but +in groups: to them it is the type which +counts, the <i>forma specifica per formam individualem +translucens</i>, of which the scholastic +jargon speaks. Those with whom I +come in casual contact appear to me now +in a vague, diffused light like the atmosphere +of some other world. Dwelling upon none +with the eyes of intimacy, and passing +swiftly from this to that, I find each but +the harmless variant of a species; if I +lingered or came too near, doubtless old +apprehensions would oppress me still. It is a +disadvantage of this outlook that the fascination +of detail is lost, and that I have less sense<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> +for the personal in life. But if I grow old I +shall regain the interest in particular things +and persons with which age is consoled +amid many miseries; for while youth grows +earnest over some riddle of high art or the +occultation of Aldebaran, age is happily +absorbed in the arrangement of a room or +discussing the destinies of a single household.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, though uncongenial to my +kind as entering little into their pleasures, +I like to be near them in their grief or +happiness, standing unnoticed in the wind +of their fortune's wheel. At least I am +not soured or malevolent, and when there +is dancing toward, I am in the crowd upon +the margin of the green. I have abandoned +social obligations because I am unfitted to +perform them well, and society high and +low exists by their cheerful fulfilment. +But I no longer rail at social law or decline +to see anything but evil in conventions +devised by the wisdom and refinement of +centuries. If I refuse invitations and leave +calls unpaid, it is because I am socially +bankrupt: were I solvent I should redeem +all debts.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span></p> + +<p>I decline therefore to denounce Chesterfield +and deify Thoreau: there was exaggeration +in both men, and though my +sympathies are rather with the recluse of +Walden pond, it is quite probable that +Chesterfield was the more useful of the +two. I am a bad player, I have not +the high spirits or the conversational skill +which each should contribute to the social +game. And in almost any sport the incompetent +confer a benefit by standing out: +at least, that is the opinion which I hear +the average player express. If I lived +in the backwoods where any guest is +welcome, it might be my duty to act +differently. But my ways are cast in +places where there is no need for social +press-gangs, and the highways and hedges +are left unsearched. If therefore by +abstention I gain a qualified peace for +myself, and confer positive benefit on +others, I may go my way without serious +reproach.</p> + +<p>And I did wisely not to marry, for I +should have clung too closely to my study +for the happiness of any woman. I once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span> +saw an advertisement in the newspaper +inserted by a discontented young wife whose +husband was a recluse and would not take +her out of evenings. She wanted to communicate +with congenial people, and, like +a desperate sailor marooned, was driven to +wave her signal in the sight of the casual +eye. This frank confession of abandonment +made a profound impression upon +me. I thought to myself, "Master recluse, +you are a pilferer and have filched a life. +I am yet more solitary in my estate, and +if I followed your example, should be +guilty of a greater wrong." There are, +indeed, hours when I feel embittered at +the thought that for one innocent defect +a whole life should be amerced of joy; the +finality of loss appals: all is so irrevocable; +<i>le vase est imbibé, l'étoffe a pris son +pli</i>. Avoided not without cause by those +who were my natural associates, I grow +impenetrable of access, and even in my +own family unfamiliar. The resentment +that welled up in the man who told the +story of Henry Ryecroft obtains the mastery, +and I feel one in spirit with that lonely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> +analyst of disillusions. Sometimes a worse +darkness gathers round, till I long for one +of those intense and all-absorbing creeds +which somehow seem to tend the brightest +hearth-fires which earth knows: for philosophy, +though it invented the void, never +built a little Gidding.</p> + +<p>It is then that I feel like the suppliant +of the old Babylonian prayer, "one whose +kin are afar off, whose city is distant," and +all that appears before my sight is one +scroll of wrongs which this evil heritage +has inflicted upon me. It has made my +best years rich in misery; it has cut me +off from marriage; it has compelled me, +one hating vain complaint, to live querulously +in the optative mood. Neither +poverty nor sickness could chastise more +heavily; for poverty is strong in numbers +and sickness rich in sympathy, but diffidence +reaps laughter and is alone. When +such thoughts win dominion over the mind +I could envy what sufferer you will his +most awful punishment. For in his agony +be sure there is movement and action; +his limbs are torn, yet he is dragged on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span>ward: +by his very writhing in the bonds +he confesses his life. But I lie in some +dead waste where nothing moves and all +is mist without horizon, lost in an abhorred +blankness of dismay to which no positive +suffering may be likened. Thither comes +no fierce provocation to quicken into +Promethean scorn; life lies whelmed in +blackness unlit by flashes of defiance or +the cold splendour of disdain.</p> + +<p>Empedocles once described his dream of +retribution for the last unutterable offence. +For thrice ten thousand years the sinner +roams estranged from bliss, taking all +mortal shapes, wearing with tired feet all +the sad ways of life. Æther sweeps him +out to Ocean, Ocean casts him naked on +the shores of Earth, Earth hurls him upward +to the flames of Helios, and he, +relentless, spurns the victim back to Æther, +that the dread cycle may begin anew. +But to be for ever driven in this majestic +whirl of change, to receive the chastisement +of all elements and survive unbroken for +a new revolution of the wheel, this is but +an assurance of the very pride of life, it is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> +the charter of an invincible manhood. The +doom which in truth befits the unutterable +sin is rather the blank pain without accident +or period, without point or salience to +draw from stunned nature her last energies +of resentment. It is well for me that this +misery is short-lived, and that either by +thinking on that ideal love I know the +miracle of the twenty-ninth sonnet, or, +struggling with instant effort out of the +toils, try to see myself as I appear to +others, one who should scorn to sit in thirst +when there are wells yet for the seeking.</p> + +<p>It is a strange life to lead in this pleasureful +world; and if when it is over I were +condemned to live again, coming like Er +the Armenian to that meadow where the +lots are thrown down for each to choose +his own, I am already decided what character +I should elect to play. I should +neither cast myself for a protagonist's part +nor again for that of a dumb actor in those +backgrounds I know too well; but just for +a plain manly character, strong to face all +fortunes and rich in troops of friends. +There should be no more evasion or dreary<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span> +wrestling of mind with body; but life +should move to a restrained harmony, and +no elusive wind should carry half the +music away.</p> + +<p>As for what remains of this present +dispensation, I shall know how to endure, +trusting that the years may fade finely, +like the figures in an old tapestry, and that +the end may come to me as to the old +gentleman in Hans Christian Andersen's +story of the Old House. And I have this +advantage over other men, that while they +have the whole cornucopia to lose, I can +but be deprived of the dregs in its pointed +end. For in what can there be further +punishment? On others, men of happy +pasts, dismay may fall as the ways are +darkened before them. But surely I shall +be of good cheer as I come into the land +of the fierce old robber Age; for, stripped +long since by a more subtle and insatiate +despoiler, I shall possess nothing of worth +to draw his covetousness upon me. So +many joys did my very youth renounce; +so many pleasures the Harpies swept from +my place at the spread board of life; such<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> +gags and fetters held me while others +danced and sang, that I was the sad familiar +of evil fortune before my companions were +acquainted with her name. That leaden +weight which brings others low, by a nice +adjustment of the scales shall raise me for +the first time to their equality. And then, +as one experienced in bereavements, of +themselves they may seek my company; +and I, so long the useless and estranged, +may become at the close their helpful +counsellor.</p> + +<p>If only that might be; if only upon the +verge of night I might redeem by usefulness +my lost unserviceable day. Then this grey +life, so long sole and intrinsical to itself, +should glow at last with some reflection of +the sunset; once more I should know +young ardours imagined lost and devotions +miraculously born again.</p> + +<p>You will still encounter me now and +then, moving absently through the crowd, +or wandering in some green place, as in +the garden of the Luxembourg Vauvenargues +used to meet the wounded of the +great battle, keeping apart in the narrower<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> +walks, and leaving the broad central ways +for lighter feet than theirs. He often +longed to have speech with them; but +always they turned away, with the proud +self-sufficiency of the disillusioned. Perhaps +if he had succeeded he would have +found that to some of them life had its +consolations not unlike mine, and that they +could still regard it as something more than +a friendly process of detachment. But it +is not our habit to expand; we are ever +held back by the occult pride which the +same soldier-philosopher has assigned to +one of his imaginary characters, "cette +fierté tendre d'une âme timide, qui ne +veut avouer ni sa défaite, ni ses espérances, +ni la vanité de ses vœux."</p> +<div class="minispace"> </div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Apologia Diffidentis, by W. 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