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diff --git a/2821-0.txt b/2821-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ea8543 --- /dev/null +++ b/2821-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4027 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Story of the Gadsby, by Rudyard Kipling + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Story of the Gadsby + +Author: Rudyard Kipling + +Posting Date: January 8, 2009 [EBook #2821] +Release Date: September, 2001 +Last Updated: March 9, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF THE GADSBY *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + + + + + +THE STORY OF THE GADSBY + +By Rudyard Kipling + + + + + Preface + + Poor Dear Mamma + The World Without + The Tents of Kedar + With Any Amazement + The Garden of Eden + Fatima + The Valley of the Shadow + The Swelling of Jordan + + + + +Preface + +To THE ADDRESS OF + +CAPTAIN J. MAFFLIN, + +Duke of Derry's (Pink) Hussars. + +DEAR MAFFLIN,--You will remember that I wrote this story as an Awful +Warning. None the less you have seen fit to disregard it and have +followed Gadsby's example--as I betted you would. I acknowledge that you +paid the money at once, but you have prejudiced the mind of Mrs. Mafflin +against myself, for though I am almost the only respectable friend +of your bachelor days, she has been darwaza band to me throughout the +season. Further, she caused you to invite me to dinner at the Club, +where you called me “a wild ass of the desert,” and went home +at half-past ten, after discoursing for twenty minutes on the +responsibilities of housekeeping. You now drive a mail-phaeton and sit +under a Church of England clergyman. I am not angry, Jack. It is your +kismet, as it was Gaddy's, and his kismet who can avoid? Do not think +that I am moved by a spirit of revenge as I write, thus publicly, that +you and you alone are responsible for this book. In other and more +expansive days, when you could look at a magnum without flushing and +at a cheroot without turning white, you supplied me with most of the +material. Take it back again--would that I could have preserved your +fatherless speech in the telling--take it back, and by your slippered +hearth read it to the late Miss Deercourt. She will not be any the more +willing to receive my cards, but she will admire you immensely, and you, +I feel sure, will love me. You may even invite me to another very bad +dinner--at the Club, which, as you and your wife know, is a safe +neutral ground for the entertainment of wild asses. Then, my very dear +hypocrite, we shall be quits. + +Yours always, + +RUDYARD KIPLING. + +P. S.--On second thoughts I should recommend you to keep the book away +from Mrs. Mafflin. + + + + +POOR DEAR MAMMA + +The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky, The deer to the wholesome wold, And +the heart of a man to the heart of a maid, As it was in the days of old. +Gypsy Song. + +SCENE.--Interior of Miss MINNIE THREEGAN'S Bedroom at Simla. Miss +THREEGAN, in window-seat, turning over a drawerful of things. Miss EMMA +DEERCOURT, bosom--friend, who has come to spend the day, sitting on +the bed, manipulating the bodice of a ballroom frock, and a bunch +of artificial lilies of the valley. Time, 5:30 P. M. on a hot May +afternoon. + +Miss DEERCOURT. And he said: “I shall never forget this dance,” and, +of course, I said: “Oh, how can you be so silly!” Do you think he meant +anything, dear? + +Miss THREEGAN. (Extracting long lavender silk stocking from the +rubbish.) You know him better than I do. + +Miss D. Oh, do be sympathetic, Minnie! I'm sure he does. At least I +would be sure if he wasn't always riding with that odious Mrs. Hagan. + +Miss T. I suppose so. How does one manage to dance through one's heels +first? Look at this--isn't it shameful? (Spreads stocking--heel on open +hand for inspection.) + +Miss D. Never mind that! You can't mend it. Help me with this hateful +bodice. I've run the string so, and I've run the string so, and I can't +make the fulness come right. Where would you put this? (Waves lilies of +the valley.) + +Miss T. As high up on the shoulder as possible. + +Miss D. Am I quite tall enough? I know it makes May Older look lopsided. + +Miss T. Yes, but May hasn't your shoulders. Hers are like a hock-bottle. + +BEARER. (Rapping at door.) Captain Sahib aya. + +Miss D. (Jumping up wildly, and hunting for bodice, which she has +discarded owing to the heat of the day.) Captain Sahib! What Captain +Sahib? Oh, good gracious, and I'm only half dressed! Well, I sha'n't +bother. + +Miss T. (Calmly.) You needn't. It isn't for us. That's Captain Gadsby. +He is going for a ride with Mamma. He generally comes five days out of +the seven. + +AGONIZED VOICE. (Prom an inner apartment.) Minnie, run out and give +Captain Gadsby some tea, and tell him I shall be ready in ten minutes; +and, O Minnie, come to me an instant, there's a dear girl! + +Miss T. Oh, bother! (Aloud.) Very well, Mamma. + +Exit, and reappears, after five minutes, flushed, and rubbing her +fingers. + +Miss D. You look pink. What has happened? + +Miss T. (In a stage whisper.) A twenty-four-inch waist, and she won't +let it out. Where are my bangles? (Rummager on the toilet-table, and +dabs at her hair with a brush in the interval.) + +Miss D. Who is this Captain Gadsby? I don't think I've met him. + +Miss T. You must have. He belongs to the Harrar set. I've danced with +him, but I've never talked to him. He's a big yellow man, just like a +newly-hatched chicken, with an enormous moustache. He walks like this +(imitates Cavalry swagger), and he goes “Ha--Hmmm!” deep down in his +throat when he can't think of anything to say. Mamma likes him. I don't. + +Miss D. (Abstractedly.) Does he wax that moustache? + +Miss T. (Busy with Powder-puff.) Yes, I think so. Why? + +Miss D. (Bending over the bodice and sewing furiously.) Oh, +nothing--only--Miss T. (Sternly.) Only what? Out with it, Emma. + +Miss D. Well, May Olger--she's engaged to Mr. Charteris, you +know--said--Promise you won't repeat this? + +Miss T. Yes, I promise. What did she say? + +Miss D. That--that being kissed (with a rush) with a man who didn't wax +his moustache was--like eating an egg without salt. + +Miss T. (At her full height, with crushing scorn.) May Olger is a +horrid, nasty Thing, and you can tell her I said so. I'm glad she +doesn't belong to my set--I must go and feed this man! Do I look +presentable? + +Miss D. Yes, perfectly. Be quick and hand him over to your Mother, and +then we can talk. I shall listen at the door to hear what you say to +him. + +Miss T. 'Sure I don't care. I'm not afraid of Captain Gadsby. + +In proof of this swings into the drawing-room with a mannish stride +followed by two short steps, which Produces the effect of a restive +horse entering. Misses CAPTAIN GADSBY, who is sitting in the shadow of +the window-curtain, and gazes round helplessly. + +CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Aside.) The filly, by Jove! 'Must ha' picked up that +action from the sire. (Aloud, rising.) Good evening, Miss Threegan. + +Miss T. (Conscious that she is flushing.) Good evening, Captain Gadsby. +Mamma told me to say that she will be ready in a few minutes. Won't you +have some tea? (Aside.) I hope Mamma will be quick. What am I to say to +the creature? (Aloud and abruptly.) Milk and sugar? + +CAPT. G. No sugar, tha-anks, and very little milk. Ha--Hmmm. + +Miss T. (Aside.) If he's going to do that, I'm lost. I shall laugh. I +know I shall! + +CAPT. G. (Pulling at his moustache and watching it sideways down his +nose.) Ha--Hamm. (Aside.) 'Wonder what the little beast can talk about. +'Must make a shot at it. + +Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something. + +Both Together. Have you Been--CAPT. G. I beg your pardon. You were +going to say--Miss T. (Who has been watching the moustache with awed +fascination.) Won't you have some eggs? + +CAPT. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table.) Eggs! (Aside.) O +Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. S'pose they've wiped +her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds. +(Aloud.) No, thanks. + +Miss T. (Crimson with confusion.) Oh! I didn't mean that. I wasn't +thinking of mou--eggs for an instant. I mean salt. Won't you have some +sa--sweets? (Aside.) He'll think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma would +come. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) It was a nursery-tea and she's ashamed of it. By Jove! +She doesn't look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud, helping +himself from the dish.) Have you seen those new chocolates at Peliti's? + +Miss T. No, I made these myself. What are they like? + +CAPT. G. These! De-licious. (Aside.) And that's a fact. + +Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, bother! he'll think I'm fishing for compliments. +(Aloud.) No, Peliti's of course. + +CAPT. G. (Enthusiastically.) Not to compare with these. How d'you make +them? I can't get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing beyond +mutton and fowl. + +Miss T. Yes? I'm not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten him. +You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. It's very bad +policy. + +CAPT. G. He's so awf'ly stupid. + +Miss T. (Folding her hands in her Zap.) You should call him quietly and +say: “O khansamah jee!” + +CAPT. G. (Getting interested.) Yes? (Aside.) Fancy that little +featherweight saying, “O khansamah jee” to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan! + +Miss T Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish. + +CAPT. G. But I can't speak the vernacular. + +Miss T. (Patronizingly.) You should pass the Higher Standard and try. + +CAPT. G. I have, but I don't seem to be any the wiser. Are you? + +Miss T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very +patient with me. He doesn't get angry when I talk about sheep's topees, +or order maunds of grain when I mean seers. + +CAPT. G. (Aside with intense indignation.) I'd like to see Mir Khan +being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud.) And do you +understand about horses, too? + +Miss T. A little--not very much. I can't doctor them, but I know what +they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable. + +CAPT. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give his +sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything is +so dear. + +Miss T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowance--neither more +nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. That's better than buying +grass in the bazar. + +CAPT. G. (Admiringly.) How do you know? + +Miss T. I have tried both ways. + +CAPT. G. Do you ride much, then? I've never seen you on the Mall. + +Miss T. (Aside.) I haven't passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud.) +Nearly every day. + +CAPT. G. By Jove! I didn't know that. Ha--Hamm (Pulls at his moustache +and is silent for forty seconds.) Miss T. (Desperately, and wondering +what will happen next.) It looks beautiful. I shouldn't touch it if I +were you. (Aside.) It's all Mamma's fault for not coming before. I will +be rude! + +CAPT. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very +quickly.) Eh! What-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily.) (Aside.) +Well, of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet. +She must be a cool hand or else--Ah! that nursery-tea! + +VOICE PROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk! + +CAPT. G. Good gracious! What's that? + +Miss T. The dog, I think. (Aside.) Emma has been listening, and I'll +never forgive her! + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) They don't keep dogs here. (Aloud.) 'Didn't sound like +a dog, did it? + +Miss T. Then it must have been the cat. Let's go into the veranda. What +a lovely evening it is! + +Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The +CAPTAIN follows. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them +before! (Aloud.) There's going to be a dance at Viceregal Lodge on +Wednesday. Can you spare me one? + +Miss T. (Shortly.) No! I don't want any of your charity-dances. You only +ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know I do! + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) That's true, but little girls shouldn't understand +these things. (Aloud.) No, on my word, I don't. You dance beautifully. + +Miss T. Then why do you always stand out after half a dozen turns? I +thought officers in the Army didn't tell fibs. + +CAPT. G. It wasn't a fib, believe me. I really do want the pleasure of a +dance with you. + +Miss T. (Wickedly.) Why? Won't Mamma dance with you any more? + +CAPT. G. (More earnestly than the necessity demands.) I wasn't thinking +of your Mother. (Aside.) You little vixen! + +Miss T. (Still looking out of the window.) Eh? Oh, I beg your par don. I +was thinking of something else. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Well! I wonder what she'll say next. I've never known +a woman treat me like this before. I might be--Dash it, I might be an +Infantry subaltern! (Aloud.) Oh, please don't trouble. I'm not worth +thinking about. Isn't your Mother ready yet? + +Miss T. I should think so; but promise me, Captain Gadsby, you won't +take poor dear Mamma twice round Jakko any more. It tires her so. + +CAPT. G. She says that no exercise tires her. + +Miss T. Yes, but she suffers afterward. You don't know what rheumatism +is, and you oughtn't to keep her out so late, when it gets chill in the +evenings. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Rheumatism. I thought she came off her horse rather +in a bunch. Whew! One lives and learns. (Aloud.) I'm sorry to hear that. +She hasn't mentioned it to me. + +Miss T. (Flurried.) Of course not! Poor dear Mamma never would. And +you mustn't say that I told you either. Promise me that you won't. Oh, +CAPTAIN Gadsby, promise me you won't! + +CAPT. G. I am dumb, or--I shall be as soon as you've given me that +dance, and another--if you can trouble yourself to think about me for a +minute. + +Miss T. But you won't like it one little bit. You'll be awfully sorry +afterward. + +CAPT. G. I shall like it above all things, and I shall only be sorry +that I didn't get more. (Aside.) Now what in the world am I saying? + +Miss T. Very well. You will have only yourself to thank if your toes are +trodden on. Shall we say Seven? + +CAPT. G. And Eleven. (Aside.) She can't be more than eight stone, but, +even then, it's an absurdly small foot. (Looks at his own riding boots.) + +Miss T. They're beautifully shiny. I can almost see my face in them. + +CAPT. G. I was thinking whether I should have to go on crutches for the +rest of my life if you trod on my toes. + +Miss T. Very likely. Why not change Eleven for a square? + +CAPT. G. No, please! I want them both waltzes. Won't you write them +down? + +Miss T. J don't get so many dances that I shall confuse them. You will +be the offender. + +CAPT. G. Wait and see! (Aside.) She doesn't dance perfectly, perhaps, +but-- + +Miss T. Your tea must have got cold by this time. Won't you have another +cup? + +CAPT. G. No, thanks. Don't you think it's pleasanter out in the veranda? +(Aside.) I never saw hair take that color in the sunshine before. +(Aloud.) It's like one of Dicksee's pictures. + +Miss T. Yes I It's a wonderful sunset, isn't it? (Bluntly.) But what do +you know about Dicksee's pictures? + +CAPT. G. I go Home occasionally. And I used to know the Galleries. +(Nervously.) You mustn't think me only a Philistine with--a moustache. + +Miss T. Don't! Please don't. I'm so sorry for what I said then. I was +horribly rude. It slipped out before I thought. Don't you know the +temptation to say frightful and shocking things just for the mere sake +of saying them? I'm afraid I gave way to it. + +CAPT. G. (Watching the girl as she flushes.) I think I know the feeling. +It would be terrible if we all yielded to it, wouldn't it? For instance, +I might say--POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Entering, habited, hatted, and booted.) +Ah, Captain Gadsby? 'Sorry to keep you waiting. 'Hope you haven't been +bored. 'My little girl been talking to you? + +Miss T. (Aside.) I'm not sorry I spoke about the rheumatism. I'm not! +I'm NOT! I only wished I'd mentioned the corns too. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a shame! I wonder how old she is. It never +occurred to me before. (Aloud.) We've been discussing “Shakespeare and +the musical glasses” in the veranda. + +Miss T. (Aside.) Nice man! He knows that quotation. He isn't a +Philistine with a moustache. (Aloud.) Good-bye, Captain Gadsby. (Aside.) +What a huge hand and what a squeeze! I don't suppose he meant it, but he +has driven the rings into my fingers. + +POOR DEAR MAMMA. Has Vermillion come round yet? Oh, yes! Captain Gadsby, +don't you think that the saddle is too far forward? (They pass into the +front veranda.) + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) How the dickens should I know what she prefers? She +told me that she doted on horses. (Aloud.) I think it is. + +Miss T. (Coming out into front veranda.) Oh! Bad Buldoo! I must speak to +him for this. He has taken up the curb two links, and Vermillion bates +that. (Passes out and to horse's head.) + +CAPT. G. Let me do it! + +Miss. T. No, Vermillion understands me. Don't you, old man? (Looses +curb-chain skilfully, and pats horse on nose and throttle.) Poor +Vermillion! Did they want to cut his chin off? There! + +Captain Gadsby watches the interlude with undisguised admiration. + +POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Tartly to Miss T.) You've forgotten your guest, I +think, dear. + +Miss T. Good gracious! So I have! Good-bye. (Retreats indoors hastily.) + +POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Bunching reins in fingers hampered by too tight +gauntlets.) CAPTAIN Gadsby! + +CAPTAIN GADSBY stoops and makes the foot-rest. POOR DEAR MAMMA blunders, +halts too long, and breaks through it. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Can't hold up even stone forever. It's all your +rheumatism. (Aloud.) Can't imagine why I was so clumsy. (Aside.) Now +Little Featherweight would have gone up like a bird. + +They ride oat of the garden. The Captain falls back. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) How that habit catches her under the arms! Ugh! + +POOR DEAR MAMMA. (With the worn smile of sixteen seasons, the worse for +exchange.) You're dull this afternoon, CAPTAIN Gadsby. + +CAPT. G. (Spurring up wearily.) Why did you keep me waiting so long? + +Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. + +(AN INTERVAL OF THREE WEEKS.) + +GILDED YOUTH. (Sitting on railings opposite Town Hall.) Hullo, Gandy! +'Been trotting out the Gorgonzola! We all thought it was the Gorgan +you're mashing. + +CAPT. G. (With withering emphasis.) You young cub! What the--does it +matter to you? + +Proceeds to read GILDED YOUTH a lecture on discretion and deportment, +which crumbles latter like a Chinese Lantern. Departs fuming. + +(FURTHER INTERVAL OF FIVE WEEKS.) SCENE.--Exterior of New Simla Library + +on a foggy evening. Miss THREECAN and Miss DEERCOURT meet among the +'rickshaws. Miss T. is carrying a bundle of books under her left arm. + +Miss D. (Level intonation.) Well? + +Miss 'I'. (Ascending intonation.) Well? + +Miss D. (Capturing her friend's left arm, taking away all the books, +placing books in 'rickshaw, returning to arm, securing hand by third +finger and investigating.) Well! You bad girl! And you never told me. + +Miss T. (Demurely.) He--he--he only spoke yesterday afternoon. + +Miss D. Bless you, dear! And I'm to be bridesmaid, aren't I? You know +you promised ever so long ago. + +Miss T. Of course. I'll tell you all about it to-morrow. (Gets into +'rickshaw.) O Emma! + +Miss D. (With intense interest.) Yes, dear? + +Miss T. (Piano.) It's quite true---- about--the--egg. + +Miss D. What egg? + +Miss T. (Pianissimo prestissimo.) The egg without the salt. (Porte.) +Chalo ghar ko jaldi, jhampani! (Go home, jhampani.) + + + + +THE WORLD WITHOUT + +Certain people of importance. + +SCENE.--Smoking-room of the Degchi Club. Time, 10.30 P. M. of a stuffy +night in the Rains. Four men dispersed in picturesque attitudes and +easy-chairs. To these enter BLAYNE of the Irregular Moguls, in evening +dress. + +BLAYNE. Phew! The Judge ought to be hanged in his own store-godown. Hi, +khitmatgarl Poora whiskey-peg, to take the taste out of my mouth. + +CURTISS. (Royal Artillery.) That's it, is it? What the deuce made you +dine at the Judge's? You know his bandobust. + +BLAYNE. 'Thought it couldn't be worse than the Club, but I'll swear he +buys ullaged liquor and doctors it with gin and ink (looking round the +room.) Is this all of you to-night? + +DOONE. (P.W.D.) Anthony was called out at dinner. Mingle had a pain in +his tummy. + +CURTISS. Miggy dies of cholera once a week in the Rains, and gets drunk +on chlorodyne in between. 'Good little chap, though. Any one at the +Judge's, Blayne? + +BLAYNE. Cockley and his memsahib looking awfully white and fagged. +Female--girl--couldn't catch the name--on her way to the Hills, +under the Cockleys' charge--the Judge, and Markyn fresh from +Simla--disgustingly fit. + +CURTISS. Good Lord, how truly magnificent! Was there enough ice? When I +mangled garbage there I got one whole lump--nearly as big as a walnut. +What had Markyn to say for himself? + +BLAYNE. 'Seems that every one is having a fairly good time up there in +spite of the rain. By Jove, that reminds me! I know I hadn't come across +just for the pleasure of your society. News! Great news! Markyn told me. + +DOONE. Who's dead now? + +BLAYNE. No one that I know of; but Gandy's hooked at last! + +DROPPING CHORUS. How much? The Devil! Markyn was pulling your leg. Not +GANDY! + +BLAYNE. (Humming.) “Yea, verily, verily, verily! Verily, verily, I say +unto thee.” Theodore, the gift o' God! Our Phillup! It's been given out +up above. + +MACKESY. (Barrister-at-Law.) Huh! Women will give out anything. What +does accused say? + +BLAYNE. Markyn told me that he congratulated him warily--one hand held +out, t'other ready to guard. Gandy turned pink and said it was so. + +CURTISS. Poor old Caddy! They all do it. Who's she? Let's hear the +details. + +BLAYNE. She's a girl--daughter of a Colonel Somebody. + +DOONE. Simla's stiff with Colonels' daughters. Be more explicit. + +BLAYNE. Wait a shake. What was her name? Thresomething. Three-- + +CURTISS. Stars, perhaps. Caddy knows that brand. + +BLAYNE. Threegan--Minnie Threegan. + +MACKESY. Threegan Isn't she a little bit of a girl with red hair? + +BLAYNE. 'Bout that--from what from what Markyn said. + +MACKESY. Then I've met her. She was at Lucknow last season. 'Owned a +permanently juvenile Mamma, and danced damnably. I say, Jervoise, you +knew the Threegans, didn't you? + +JERVOISE. (Civilian of twenty-five years' service, waking up from his +doze.) Eh? What's that? Knew who? How? I thought I was at Home, confound +you! + +MACKESY. The Threegan girl's engaged, so Blayne says. + +JERVOISE. (Slowly.) Engaged--en-gaged! Bless my soul! I'm getting an old +man! Little Minnie Threegan engaged. It was only the other day I went +home with them in the Surat--no, the Massilia--and she was crawling +about on her hands and knees among the ayahs. 'Used to call me the +“Tick Tack Sahib” because I showed her my watch. And that was in +Sixty--Seven-no, Seventy. Good God, how time flies! I'm an old man. +I remember when Threegan married Miss Derwent--daughter of old Hooky +Derwent--but that was before your time. And so the little baby's engaged +to have a little baby of her own! Who's the other fool? + +MACKESY. Gadsby of the Pink Hussars. + +JERVOISE. 'Never met him. Threegan lived in debt, married in debt, +and 'll die in debt. 'Must be glad to get the girl off his hands. + +BLAYNE. Caddy has money--lucky devil. Place at Home, too. + +DOONE. He comes of first-class stock. 'Can't quite understand his being +caught by a Colonel's daughter, and (looking cautiously round room.) +Black Infantry at that! No offence to you, Blayne. + +BLAYNE. (Stiffly.) Not much, thaanks. + +CURTISS. (Quoting motto of Irregular Moguls.) “We are what we are,” eh, +old man? But Gandy was such a superior animal as a rule. Why didn't he +go Home and pick his wife there? + +MACKESY. They are all alike when they come to the turn into the +straight. About thirty a man begins to get sick of living alone. + +CURTISS. And of the eternal muttony-chop in the morning. + +DOONE. It's a dead goat as a rule, but go on, Mackesy. + +MACKESY. If a man's once taken that way nothing will hold him, Do you +remember Benoit of your service, Doone? They transferred him to Tharanda +when his time came, and he married a platelayer's daughter, or something +of that kind. She was the only female about the place. + +DONE. Yes, poor brute. That smashed Benoit's chances of promotion +altogether. Mrs. Benoit used to ask “Was you gem' to the dance this +evenin'?” + +CURTISS. Hang it all! Gandy hasn't married beneath him. There's no +tarbrush in the family, I suppose. + +JERVOISE. Tar-brush! Not an anna. You young fellows talk as though +the man was doing the girl an honor in marrying her. You're all too +conceited--nothing's good enough for you. + +BLAYNE. Not even an empty Club, a dam' bad dinner at the Judge's, and +a Station as sickly as a hospital. You're quite right. We're a set of +Sybarites. + +DOONE. Luxurious dogs, wallowing in-- + +CURTISS. Prickly heat between the shoulders. I'm covered with it. Let's +hope Beora will be cooler. + +BLAYNE. Whew! Are you ordered into camp, too? I thought the Gunners had +a clean sheet. + +CURTISS. No, worse luck. Two cases yesterday--one died--and if we have a +third, out we go. Is there any shooting at Beora, Doone? + +DOONE. The country's under water, except the patch by the Grand Trunk +Road. I was there yesterday, looking at a bund, and came across four +poor devils in their last stage. It's rather bad from here to Kuchara. + +CURTISS. Then we're pretty certain to have a heavy go of it. Heigho! +I shouldn't mind changing places with Gaddy for a while. 'Sport with +Amaryllis in the shade of the Town Hall, and all that. Oh, why doesn't +somebody come and marry me, instead of letting me go into cholera-camp? + +MACKESY. Ask the Committee. + +CURTISS. You ruffian! You'll stand me another peg for that. Blayne, +what will you take? Mackesy is fine on moral grounds. Done, have you any +preference? + +DONE. Small glass Kummel, please. Excellent carminative, these days. +Anthony told me so. + +MACKESY. (Signing voucher for four drinks.) Most unfair punishment. +I only thought of Curtiss as Actaeon being chivied round the billiard +tables by the nymphs of Diana. + +BLAYNE. Curtiss would have to import his nymphs by train. Mrs. Cockley's +the only woman in the Station. She won't leave Cockley, and he's doing +his best to get her to go. + +CURTISS. Good, indeed! Here's Mrs. Cockley's health. To the only wife in +the Station and a damned brave woman! + +OMNES. (Drinking.) A damned brave woman + +BLAYNE. I suppose Gandy will bring his wife here at the end of the cold +weather. They are going to be married almost immediately, I believe. + +CURTISS. Gandy may thank his luck that the Pink Hussars are all +detachment and no headquarters this hot weather, or he'd be torn +from the arms of his love as sure as death. Have you ever noticed the +thorough-minded way British Cavalry take to cholera? It's because they +are so expensive. If the Pinks had stood fast here, they would have been +out in camp a. month ago. Yes, I should decidedly like to be Gandy. + +MACKESY. He'll go Home after he's married, and send in his papers--see +if he doesn't. + +BLAYNE. Why shouldn't he? Hasn't he money? Would any one of us be here +if we weren't paupers? + +DONE. Poor old pauper! What has become of the six hundred you rooked +from our table last month? + +BLAYNE. It took unto itself wings. I think an enterprising tradesman got +some of it, and a shroff gobbled the rest--or else I spent it. + +CURTISS. Gandy never had dealings with a shroff in his life. + +DONE. Virtuous Gandy! If I had three thousand a month, paid from +England, I don't think I'd deal with a shroff either. + +MACKESY. (Yawning.) Oh, it's a sweet life! I wonder whether matrimony +would make it sweeter. + +CURTISS. Ask Cockley--with his wife dying by inches! + +BLAYNE. Go home and get a fool of a girl to come out to--what is it +Thackeray says?-“the splendid palace of an Indian pro-consul.” + +DOONE. Which reminds me. My quarters leak like a sieve. I had fever last +night from sleeping in a swamp. And the worst of it is, one can't do +anything to a roof till the Rains are over. + +CURTISS. What's wrong with you? You haven't eighty rotting Tommies to +take into a running stream. + +DONE. No: but I'm mixed boils and bad language. I'm a regular Job all +over my body. It's sheer poverty of blood, and I don't see any chance of +getting richer--either way. + +BLAYNE. Can't you take leave? DONE. That's the pull you Army men have +over us. Ten days are nothing in your sight. I'm so important that +Government can't find a substitute if I go away. Ye-es, I'd like to be +Gandy, whoever his wife may be. + +CURTISS. You've passed the turn of life that Mackesy was speaking of. + +DONE. Indeed I have, but I never yet had the brutality to ask a woman to +share my life out here. + +BLAYNE. On my soul I believe you're right. I'm thinking of Mrs. Cockley. +The woman's an absolute wreck. + +DONE. Exactly. Because she stays down here. The only way to keep her fit +would be to send her to the Hills for eight months--and the same with +any woman. I fancy I see myself taking a wife on those terms. + +MACKESY. With the rupee at one and sixpence. The little Doones would be +little Debra Doones, with a fine Mussoorie chi-chi anent to bring home +for the holidays. + +CURTISS. And a pair of be-ewtiful sambhur-horns for Done to wear, free +of expense, presented by--DONE. Yes, it's an enchanting prospect. By the +way, the rupee hasn't done falling yet. The time will come when we shall +think ourselves lucky if we only lose half our pay. + +CURTISS. Surely a third's loss enough. Who gains by the arrangement? +That's what I want to know. + +BLAYNE. The Silver Question! I'm going to bed if you begin squabbling +Thank Goodness, here's Anthony--looking like a ghost. + +Enter ANTHONY, Indian Medical Staff, very white and tired. + +ANTHONY. 'Evening, Blayne. It's raining in sheets. Whiskey peg lao, +khitmatgar. The roads are something ghastly. + +CURTISS. How's Mingle? + +ANTHONY. Very bad, and more frightened. I handed him over to Few-ton. +Mingle might just as well have called him in the first place, instead of +bothering me. + +BLAYNE. He's a nervous little chap. What has he got, this time? + +ANTHONY. 'Can't quite say. A very bad tummy and a blue funk so far. He +asked me at once if it was cholera, and I told him not to be a fool. +That soothed him. + +CURTIS. Poor devil! The funk does half the business in a man of that +build. + +ANTHONY. (Lighting a cheroot.) I firmly believe the funk will kill him +if he stays down. You know the amount of trouble he's been giving Fewton +for the last three weeks. He's doing his very best to frighten himself +into the grave. + +GENERAL CHORUS. Poor little devil! Why doesn't he get away? + +ANTHONY. 'Can't. He has his leave all right, but he's so dipped he can't +take it, and I don't think his name on paper would raise four annas. +That's in confidence, though. + +MACKESY. All the Station knows it. + +ANTHONY. “I suppose I shall have to die here,” he said, squirming all +across the bed. He's quite made up his mind to Kingdom Come. And I know +he has nothing more than a wet-weather tummy if he could only keep a +hand on himself. + +BLAYNE. That's bad. That's very bad. Poor little Miggy. Good little +chap, too. I say-- + +ANTHONY. What do you say? + +BLAYNE. Well, look here--anyhow. If it's like that--as you say--I say +fifty. + +CURTISS. I say fifty. + +MACKESY. I go twenty better. + +DONE. Bloated Croesus of the Bar! I say fifty. Jervoise, what do you +say? Hi! Wake up! + +JERVOISE. Eh? What's that? What's that? + +CURTISS. We want a hundred rupees from you. You're a bachelor drawing a +gigantic income, and there's a man in a hole. + +JERVOISE. What man? Any one dead? + +BLAYNE. No, but he'll die if you don't give the hundred. Here! Here's a +peg-voucher. You can see what we've signed for, and Anthony's man will +come round to-morrow to collect it. So there will be no trouble. + +JERVOISE. (Signing.) One hundred, E. M. J. There you are (feebly). It +isn't one of your jokes, is it? + +BLAYNE. No, it really is wanted. Anthony, you were the biggest +poker-winner last week, and you've defrauded the tax-collector too long. +Sign! + +ANTHONY. Let's see. Three fifties and a seventy-two twenty-three +twenty-say four hundred and twenty. That'll give him a month clear +at the Hills. Many thanks, you men. I'll send round the chaprassi +to-morrow. + +CURTISS. You must engineer his taking the stuff, and of course you +mustn't-- + +ANTHONY. Of course. It would never do. He'd weep with gratitude over his +evening drink. + +BLAYNE. That's just what he would do, damn him. Oh! I say, Anthony, you +pretend to know everything. Have you heard about Gandy? + +ANTHONY. No. Divorce Court at last? + +BLAYNE. Worse. He's engaged! + +ANTHONY. How much? He can't be! + +BLAYNE. He is. He's going to be married in a few weeks. Markyn told me +at the Judge's this evening. It's pukka. + +ANTHONY. You don't say so? Holy Moses! There'll be a shine in the tents +of Kedar. + +CURTISS. 'Regiment cut up rough, think you? + +ANTHONY. 'Don't know anything about the Regiment. + +MACKESY. It is bigamy, then? + +ANTHONY. Maybe. Do you mean to say that you men have forgotten, or is +there more charity in the world than I thought? + +DONE. You don't look pretty when you are trying to keep a secret. You +bloat. Explain. + +ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott! + +BLAYNE. (After a long pause, to the room generally.) It's my notion that +we are a set of fools. + +MACKESY. Nonsense. That business was knocked on the head last season. +Why, young Mallard-- + +ANTHONY. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile. +Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did +Gandy ever talk to any other woman? + +CURTISS. There's something in that. It was slightly noticeable now you +come to mention it. But she's at Naini Tat and he's at Simla. + +ANTHONY. He had to go to Simla to look after a globe-trotter relative of +his--a person with a title. Uncle or aunt. + +BLAYNE And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired of +a woman. + +ANTHONY. Except that he mustn't do it till the woman is tired of him. +And the Herriott woman was not that. + +CURTISS. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal works wonders. + +DONE. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was a +Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away and +got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down there. +I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all, one after +another, took wives. + +CURTISS. That's odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegie's +influence would have led them to take other men's wives. It ought to +have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence. + +ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott will make Gandy afraid of something more than the +judgment of Providence, I fancy. + +BLAYNE. Supposing things are as you say, he'll be a fool to face her. +He'll sit tight at Simla. + +ANTHONY. 'Shouldn't be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to +explain. He's an unaccountable sort of man, and she's likely to be a +more than unaccountable woman. + +DONE. What makes you take her character away so confidently? + +ANTHONY. Primum tern pus. Caddy was her first and a woman doesn't allow +her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies the +first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is forever +and ever. Consequently-- + +BLAYNE. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one o'clock, talking +scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, it's all your fault. +We were perfectly respectable till you came in Go to bed. I'm off, +Good-night all. + +CURTISS. Past one! It's past two by Jove, and here's the khit coming for +the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, five rupees to +pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman is +no better than she should be. I'm ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you +slanderous villains, and if I'm sent to Beora to-morrow, be prepared to +hear I'm dead before paying my card account! + + + + +THE TENTS OF KEDAR + +Only why should it be with pain at all Why must I 'twix the leaves of +corona! Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow? Why should the other women +know so much, And talk together--Such the look and such The smile he +used to love with, then as now.--Any Wife to any Husband. + +SCENE--A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and +khitmatgars carefully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less +Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers. + +MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch.) Ah! +'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce.) Where +have you been all this while, Pip? + +CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and +settling hock glasses.) Good evening. (Sotto voce.) Not quite so loud +another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (Aside.) So much +for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal one now. +Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable, +engaged member of society and it's all over between us? + +MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday +Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis? I +was looking everywhere. + +CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside.) It's for +Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant. + +MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have. +I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a +week before you came up. + +CAPT. G. I didn't know-- + +MRS. H. It really was. + +CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean. + +MRS. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven't been near +me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you, +Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming. + +CAPT. G. Have you? + +MRS. H. You know I have! I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it. +I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the +twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: “That +brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip!” + +CAPT. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect +him so? + +MRS. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than +ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper. + +CAPT. G. No. + +MRS. H. Have I grown old in' the last few months, then? (Reaches forward +to bank of flowers for menu-card.) + +PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. MRS. H. keeps her arm at +full stretch for three seconds.) + +MRS. H. (To partner.) Oh, thanks. I didn't see. (Turns right again.) Is +anything in me changed at all? + +CAPT. G. For Goodness's sake go on with your dinner! You must eat +something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside.) And I fancied +she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of +himself! + +MRS. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped +carrots and a spoonful of gravy.) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether +I have done anything. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly scene +somewhere else. If only I'd written to her and stood the racket--at long +range! (To Khitmatgar.) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud.) I'll tell you later +on. + +MRS. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you +know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We, of all +people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don't +you like to say so? On my honor-- + +CAPT. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought. + +MRS. H. But how d'you know that I haven't? + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through +with it. (Aloud and measuredly.) Believe me, I do not care how often or +how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man. + +MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of squabbling +and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a +time? Pip, don't be a stupid! + +Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and +continues his dinner. + +CAPT. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes.) Corns--my worst. + +MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll +never do it again. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you will +do before it's all over. (To Khitmatgar.) Thorah ur Simpkin do. + +MRS. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologize, bad man? + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) I mustn't let it drift back now. Trust a woman for +being as blind as a bat when she won't see. + +MRS. H. I'm waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology? + +CAPT. G. (Desperately.) By all means dictate. + +MRS. H. (Lightly.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names +after me and go on: “Profess my sincere repentance.” + +CAPT. G. “Sincere repentance.” + +MRS. H. “For having behaved”-- + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. “For +having behaved”--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and +heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of +making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever. +(Aside.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard--! + +MRS. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate.) That's not +a pretty joke. + +CAPT. G. No. It's a reality. (Aside.) I wonder if smashes of this kind +are always so raw. + +MRS. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day. + +CAPT. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it? + +MRS. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in +fur. + +CAPT. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be +horsewhipped. + +MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now. + +CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less. + +MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done? + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) If she only wouldn't look at me. (Aloud and very +slowly, his eyes on his plate.) D'you remember that evening in July, +before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come +sooner or later--and you wondered for which of US it would come first? + +MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was +breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you. + +CAPT. G. (Fingering menu-card.) Well, it has. That's all. + +A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the +bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders. + +MRS. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally.) They train us +women well, don't they, Pip? + +CAPT. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud.) So far as the expression goes. +(Aside.) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll be an +explosion yet. + +MRS. H. (With a shudder.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow people +to wriggle when they're being tortured, I believe. (Slips fan from +girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin.) + +PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close tonight, isn't it? 'You find it too much for +you? + +MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs, +even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn't they? (Turns, dropping fan and +raising eyebrows.) + +CAPT. G. It's all right. (Aside.) Here comes the storm! + +MRS. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand.) It was +very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore--you never +contented yourself with merely Saying a thing--you swore that, as far +as lay in your power, you'd make my wretched life pleasant for me. And +you've denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have +done it--indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this +refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before.) You have +explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven't spoken or +written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the +last minute. You haven't condescended to give me your reason yet. No! +A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many men like +you in the world? + +CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. (To Khitmatgar.) Ohe! Simpkin do. + +MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don't you? Do men of the +world behave like Devils when they a woman the honor to get tired of +her? + +CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. Don't speak so loud! + +MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Don't be afraid +of my compromising you. You've chosen your ground far too well, and I've +been properly brought up. (Lowering fan.) Haven't you any pity, Pip, +except for yourself? + +CAPT. G. Wouldn't it be rather impertinent of me to say that I'm sorry +for you? + +MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You're growing +very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You +said I was. You've made me what I am. What are you going to do with +me? What are you going to do with me? Won't you say that you are sorry? +(Helps herself to iced asparagus.) + +CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you Want the pity of such a brute as I +am. I'm awf'ly sorry for you. + +MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that +admission clears you? + +CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You +can't think worse than that? + +MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all +this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken? + +CAPT. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered.) No! The thing has come to an +end on my side. That's all. Mafisch! + +MRS. H. “That's all. Mafisch!” As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You +used to make prettier speeches. D'you remember when you said?-- + +CAPT. G. For Heaven's sake don't bring that back! Call me anything you +like and I'll admit it-- + +MRS. H. But you don't care to be reminded of old lies? If I could +hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-night--No, I +wouldn't--I couldn't do it--liar though you are. + +CAPT. G. I've spoken the truth. + +MRS. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the +reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don't know yourself. You +have been everything to me, though you are--(Fan-guard.) Oh, what a +contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me? + +CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it--Yes. + +MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so +in-effectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no +fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you +more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it? + +CAPT. G. Yes. (Aside.) I think I deserve this. + +MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her +name. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the +business! (Aloud.) Is it likely? + +MRS. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity. +You'd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round. + +CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this business. + +MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not--And so you were going to be virtuous +and blase', were you? To come to me and say: “I've done with you. The +incident is clo-osed.” I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so +long. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner. +(Aloud.) You know what I think of myself. + +MRS. H. As it's the only person in he world you ever do think of, and as +I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and--Oh, +I can't keep you back! And you're going--think of it, Pip--to throw me +over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were--Pip, +my Pip! She can't care for you as I do. Believe me, she can't. Is it any +one that I know? + +CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn't. (Aside.) I expected a cyclone, but not +an earthquake. + +MRS. H. She can't! Is there anything that I wouldn't do for you--or +haven't done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you, +knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it? + +CAPT. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile.) Again? It's entirely a work +of charity on your part. + +MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.--Is she better-looking +than I? Who was it said?-- + +CAPT. G. No--not that! + +MRS. H. I'll be more merciful than you were. Don't you know that all +women are alike? + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then this is the exception that proves the rule. + +MRS. H. All of them! I'll tell you anything you like. I will, upon +my word! They only want the admiration--from anybody--no matter +who--anybody! But there is always one man that they care for more than +any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, do +listen! I've kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he +believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I'll tell you what +he said to me. + +CAPT. G. Spare him. (Aside.) I wonder what his version is. + +MRS. H. He's been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner. +Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks? + +CAPT. G. “But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?” + +MRS. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to +combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare +of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance.) + +CAPT. G. (Critically.) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you wait till +the spoon was out of his mouth? + +MRS. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've made of +him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see that? It's +as plain as the noonday Sun. You'll be trotted about and told lies, and +made a fool of like the others. I never made a fool of you, did I? + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a clever little woman it is! + +MRS. H. Well, what have you to say? + +CAPT. G. I feel better. + +MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I +couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have spoken +the truth. + +CAPT. G. It doesn't alter the situation. + +MRS. H. (Passionately.) Then she has said that she cares for you! Don't +believe her, Pip. It's a lie--as bad as yours to me! + +CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking at +you. + +MRS. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) And some people would like women to assist in making +the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud.) Well, you see, if +you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't, in' common politeness, +refuse the offer. + +MRS. H. In common politeness I We have got beyond that! + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud.) On my honor + +MRS. H. Your what? Ha, ha! + +CAPT. G. Dishonor, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to-- + +MRS. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She won't care for you, and +when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you'll +find me occupied with-- + +CAPT. G. (Insolently.) You couldn't while I am alive. (Aside.) If that +doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will. + +MRS. H. (Drawing herself up.) Couldn't do it? I' (Softening.) You're +right. I don't believe I could--though you are what you are--a coward +and a liar in grain. + +CAPT. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture--with +demonstrations. + +MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life? +There must be a Hereafter if it's only for the benefit of--But you will +have it all to yourself. + +CAPT. G. (Under his eyebrows.) Are you certain of that? + +MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right. + +CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment +ago? (Aside.) Oh, I am a brute! + +MRS. H. (Fiercely.) Will that con-sole me for knowing that you will go +to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same pet +names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over +my story. Won't that be punishment heavy enough even for me--even for +me?--And it's all useless. That's another punishment. + +CAPT. G. (Feebly.) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think. + +MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters +your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and +no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without +knowing that? + +CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don't see why I +should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue. + +MRS. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and declared +it was all in' fun (a long pause), I'd trust you. Not otherwise. All +I ask is, don't tell her my name. Please don't. A man might forget: a +woman never would. (Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect +eyes.) So it's all ended, through no fault of mine--Haven't I behaved +beautifully? I've accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly +as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven't I? (Arranging +gloves and fan.) I only pray that she'll know you some day as I know you +now. I wouldn't be you then, for I think even your conceit will be +hurt. I hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've brought on me. +I hope--No. I don't! I can't give you up! I must have something to look +forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all over, come back to me, +come back to me, and you'll find that you're my Pip still! + +CAPT. G. (Very clearly.) False move, and you pay for it. It's a girl! + +MRS. H. (Rising.) Then it was true! They said--but I wouldn't insult you +by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip. +I daresay she believes in' you. + +Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and +settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves. + +CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He +kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the claret, and half +aloud.) What have I done? + + + + +WITH ANY AMAZEMENT + +And are not afraid with any amazement.--Marriage Service. + +SCENE.--A bachelor's bedroom-toilet-table arranged with unnatural +neatness. CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10:30 A. +M.--a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately Captain MAFFLIN of +GADSBY's regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring “Poor +Gaddy.” Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chairback. + +CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars.) + +“Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men! It is our opening day! It is our +opening da-ay!” + +Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so +long; and I'm here! + +CAPT. G. (Sitting up and yawning.) 'Mornin'. This is awf'ly good of +you, old fellow. Most awf'ly good of you. 'Don't know what I should do +without you. 'Pon my soul, I don't. 'Haven't slept a wink all night. + +CAPT. M. I didn't get in till half-past eleven. 'Had a look at you then, +and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal. + +CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes, +you'd better go away. (With portentous gravity.) It's the happiest day +in my life. + +CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You're +going through some of the most refined torture you've ever known. But be +calm. I am with you. 'Shun! Dress! + +CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at? + +CAPT. M. Do you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve +hours? If you do, of course-(Makes for the door.) + +CAPT. G. No! For Goodness' sake, old man, don't do that! You'll see +through, won't you? I've been mugging up that beastly drill, and can't +remember a line of it. + +CAPT. M. (Overturning G.'s uniform.) Go and tub. Don't bother me. I'll +give you ten minutes to dress in. + +(Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room.) + +CAPT. G. (Emerging from dressing-room.) What time is it? + +CAPT. M. Nearly eleven. + +CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord! + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going to +spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast. + +CAPT. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast. + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) So early! (Aloud) CAPTAIN Gadsby, I order you to eat +breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs +and graces with me! + +Leads G. downstairs and stands over him while he eats two chops. + +CAPT. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes.) +What time is it? + +CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up. + +CAPT. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't now. (Takes cheroot +which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously.) +We aren't going down the Mall, are we? + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) They're all alike in these stages. (Aloud.) No, my +Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find. + +CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her? CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, +and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don't cut my eye out with +your stick. + +CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that +ever walked? What's the time? What comes after “wilt thou take this +woman”? + +CAPT. M. You go for the ring. R'clect it'll be on the top of my +right-hand little finger, and just be careful how you draw it off, +because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove. + +CAPT. G. (Walking forward hastily.) D---- the Verger! Come along! It's +past twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning +round again.) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too +good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how? + +CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your +remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop +passaging about like that! + +CAPT. G. (Halting in the middle of the road.) I say, Jack. + +CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and +walk! + +The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes. + +CAPT. G. What's the time? How about the cursed wedding-cake and the +slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they? + +CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots. + +CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand +it, and I won't! + +CAPT. M. (Untroubled.) So-ooo, old horse You'll have to sleep for a +couple of hours this afternoon. + +CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I'm not going to be treated like a dashed +child. Understand that! + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're +having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G.'s shoulder.) My David, how long +have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of +you--after all these years? + +CAPT. G. (Penitently.) I know, I know, Jack--but I'm as upset as I can +be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if +I've got it all right:-“To have and to hold for better or worse, as it +was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so +help me God. Amen.” + +CAPT. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter.) Yes. That's about the +gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat. + +CAPT. G. (Earnestly.) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm +awfully happy, but I don't mind telling you that I'm in a blue funk! + +CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't +look like it. + +CAPT. G. Don't I? That's all right. (Spinning round.) On my soul and +honor, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from +the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her. + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this is old Gandy! (Aloud.) Go on if it relieves +you. + +CAPT. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild asses of bachelors are fit +for. + +CAPT. M. (Drawling.) You never would wait for the troop to come up. You +aren't quite married yet, y'know. + +CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don't believe I shall be able to get +into any boots Let's go home and try 'em on (Hurries forward.) + +CAPT. M. 'Wouldn't be in your shoes for anything that Asia has to offer. + +CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) That just shows your hideous blackness of +soul--your dense stupidity--your brutal narrow-mindedness. There's only +one fault about you. You're the best of good fellows, and I don't know +what I should have done without you, but--you aren't married. (Wags his +head gravely.) Take a wife, Jack. + +CAPT. M. (With a face like a wall.) Va-as. Whose for choice? + +CAPT. G. If you're going to be a blackguard, I'm going on--What's the +time? + +CAPT. M. (Hums.)-- + + “An' since 'twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer, + Faith, there must ha' been some stingo in the ginger.” + +Come back, you maniac. I'm going to take you home, and you're going to +lie down. + +CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for? + +CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see. + +CAPT. G. (Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork.) Sweet state +I'm in! + +CAPT. M. You are. I'll get you a peg and you'll go to sleep. + +They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg. + +CAPT. G. O bus! bus! It'll make me as drunk as an owl. + +CAPT. M. 'Curious thing, 'twon't have the slightest effect on you. Drink +it off, chuck yourself down there, and go to bye-bye. + +CAPT. G. It's absurd. I sha'n't sleep, I know I sha'n't! + +(Falls into heavy doze at end of seven minutes. CAPT. M. watches him +tenderly.) + +CAPT. M. Poor old Gandy! I've seen a few turned off before, but never +one who went to the gallows in this condition. 'Can't tell how it +affects 'em, though. It's the thoroughbreds that sweat when they're +backed into double-harness.--And that's the man who went through the +guns at Amdheran like a devil possessed of devils. (Leans over G.) But +this is worse than the guns, old pal--worse than the guns, isn't it? (G. +turns in his sleep, and M. touches him clumsily on the forehead.) Poor, +dear old Gaddy I Going like the rest of 'em--going like the rest of +'em--Friend that sticketh closer than a brother--eight years. Dashed +bit of a slip of a girl--eight weeks! And--where's your friend? (Smokes +disconsolately till church clock strikes three.) + +CAPT. M. Up with you! Get into your kit. + +CAPT. C. Already? Isn't it too soon? Hadn't I better have a shave? + +CAPT. M. No! You're all right. (Aside.) He'd chip his chin to pieces. + +CAPT. C. What's the hurry? + +CAPT. M. You've got to be there first. + +CAPT. C. To be stared at? + +CAPT. M. Exactly. You're part of the show. Where's the burnisher? Your +spurs are in a shameful state. + +CAPT. G. (Gruffly.) Jack, I be damned if you shall do that for me. + +CAPT. M. (More gruffly.) Dry' up and get dressed! If I choose to clean +your spurs, you're under my orders. + +CAPT. G. dresses. M. follows suit. + +CAPT. M. (Critically, walking round.) M'yes, you'll do. Only don't look +so like a criminal. Ring, gloves, fees--that's all right for me. Let +your moustache alone. Now, if the ponies are ready, we'll go. + +CAPT. G. (Nervously.) It's much too soon. Let's light up! Let's have a +peg! Let's--CAPT. M. Let's make bally asses of ourselves! + +BELLS. (Without.)-- + +“Good-peo-ple-all To prayers-we call.” + +CAPT. M. There go the bells! Come an--unless you'd rather not. (They +ride off.) + +BELLS.-- + +“We honor the King And Brides joy do bring--Good tidings we tell, And +ring the Dead's knell.” + +CAPT. G. (Dismounting at the door of the Church.) I say, aren't we much +too soon? There are no end of people inside. I say, aren't we much too +late? Stick by me, Jack! What the devil do I do? + +CAPT. M. Strike an attitude at the head of the aisle and wait for Her. +(G. groans as M. wheels him into position before three hundred eyes.) + +CAPT. M. (Imploringly.) Gaddy, if you love me, for pity's sake, for the +Honor of the Regiment, stand up! Chuck yourself into your uniform! Look +like a man! I've got to speak to the Padre a minute. (G. breaks into +a gentle Perspiration.) your face I'll never man again. Stand up! +(Visibly.) If you wipe your face I'll never be your best man again. Stand +up! (G. Trembles visibly.) + +CAPT. M. (Returning.) She's coming now. Look out when the music starts. +There's the organ beginning to clack. + +(Bride steps out of 'rickshaw at Church door. G. catches a glimpse of her +and takes heart.) + +ORGAN.-- + + “The Voice that breathed o'er Eden, + That earliest marriage day, + The primal marriage-blessing, + It hath not passed away.” + +CAPT. M. (Watching G.) By Jove! He is looking well. 'Didn't think he had +it in him. + +CAPT. G. How long does this hymn go on for? + +CAPT. M. It will be over directly. (Anxiously.) Beginning to beltch and +gulp. Hold on, Gabby, and think o' the Regiment. + +CAPT. G. (Measuredly.) I say there's a big brown lizard crawling up that +wall. + +CAPT. M. My Sainted Mother! The last stage of collapse! + +Bride comes Up to left of altar, lifts her eyes once to G., who is +suddenly smitten mad. + +CAPT. G. (TO himself again and again.) Little Featherweight's a woman--a +woman! And I thought she was a little girl. + +CAPT. M. (In a whisper.) Form the halt--inward wheel. + +CAPT. G. obeys mechanically and the ceremony proceeds. + +PADRE.... only unto her as ye both shall live? + +CAPT. G. (His throat useless.) Ha--hmmm! + +CAPT. M. Say you will or you won't. There's no second deal here. + +Bride gives response with perfect calmness, and is given away by the +father. + +CAPT. G. (Thinking to show his learning.) Jack give me away now, quick! + +CAPT. M. You've given yourself away quite enough. Her right hand, man! +Repeat! Repeat! “Theodore Philip.” Have you forgotten your own name? + +CAPT. G. stumbles through Affirmation, which Bride repeats without a +tremor. + +CAPT. M. Now the ring! Follow the Padre! Don't pull off my glove! Here +it is! Great Cupid, he's found his voice. + +CAPT. G. repeats Troth in a voice to be heard to the end of the Church +and turns on his heel. + +CAPT. M. (Desperately.) Rein back! Back to your troop! 'Tisn't half +legal yet. + +PADRE.... joined together let no man put asunder. + +CAPT. G. paralyzed with fear jibs after Blessing. + +CAPT. M. (Quickly.) On your own front--one length. Take her with you. I +don't come. You've nothing to say. (CAPT. G. jingles up to altar.) + +CAPT. M. (In a piercing rattle meant to be a whisper.) Kneel, you +stiff-necked ruffian! Kneel! + +PADRE... whose daughters are ye so long as ye do well and are not afraid +with any amazement. + +CAPT. M. Dismiss! Break off! Left wheel! + +All troop to vestry. They sign. + +CAPT. M. Kiss Her, Gaddy. + +CAPT. G. (Rubbing the ink into his glove.) Eh! Wha-at? + +CAPT. M. (Taking one pace to Bride.) If you don't, I shall. + +CAPT. G. (Interposing an arm.) Not this journey! + +General kissing, in which CAPT. G. is pursued by unknown female. + +CAPT. G. (Faintly to M.) This is Hades! Can I wipe my face now? + +CAPT. M. My responsibility has ended. Better ask Misses GADSBY. + +CAPT. G. winces as though shot and procession is Mendelssohned out of +Church to house, where usual tortures take place over the wedding-cake. + +CAPT. M. (At table.) Up with you, Gaddy. They expect a speech. + +CAPT. G. (After three minutes' agony.) Ha-hmmm. (Thunders Of applause.) + +CAPT. M. Doocid good, for a first attempt. Now go and change your kit +while Mamma is weeping over “the Missus.” (CAPT. G. disappears. CAPT. M. +starts up tearing his hair.) It's not half legal. Where are the shoes? +Get an ayah. + +AYAH. Missie Captain Sahib done gone band karo all the jutis. + +CAPT. M. (Brandishing scab larded sword.) Woman, produce those shoes +Some one lend me a bread-knife. We mustn't crack Gaddy's head more than +it is. (Slices heel off white satin slipper and puts slipper up his +sleeve.) + +Where is the Bride? (To the company at large.) Be tender with that rice. +It's a heathen custom. Give me the big bag. + +* * * * * * + +Bride slips out quietly into 'rickshaw and departs toward the sunset. + +CAPT. M. (In the open.) Stole away, by Jove! So much the worse for +Gaddy! Here he is. Now Gaddy, this'll be livelier than Amdberan! Where's +your horse? + +CAPT. G. (Furiously, seeing that the women are out of an earshot.) Where +the--is my Wife? + +CAPT. M. Half-way to Mahasu by this time. You'll have to ride like Young +Lochinvar. + +Horse comes round on his hind legs; refuses to let G. handle him. + +CAPT. G. Oh you will, will you? Get 'round, you brute--you hog--you +beast! Get round! + +Wrenches horse's head over, nearly breaking lower jaw: swings himself +into saddle, and sends home both spurs in the midst of a spattering gale +of Best Patna. + +CAPT. M. For your life and your love-ride, Gaddy--And God bless you! + +Throws half a pound of rice at G. who disappears, bowed forward on the +saddle, in a cloud of sunlit dust. + +CAPT. M. I've lost old Gaddy. (Lights cigarette and strolls off, singing +absently):-- + +“You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card, That a +young man married is a young man marred!” + +Miss DEERCOURT. (From her horse.) Really, Captain Mafflin! You are more +plain spoken than polite! + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) They say marriage is like cholera. 'Wonder who'll be +the next victim. + +White satin slipper slides from his sleeve and falls at his feet. Left +wondering. + + + + +THE GARDEN OF EDEN And ye shall be as--Gods! + +SCENE.--Thymy grass-plot at back of the Mahasu dak-bungalow, +overlooking little wooded valley. On the left, glimpse of the Dead +Forest of Fagoo; on the right, Simla Hills. In background, line of the +Snows. CAPTAIN GADSBY, now three weeks a husband, is smoking the pipe of +peace on a rug in the sunshine. Banjo and tobacco-pouch on rug. Overhead +the Fagoo eagles. MRS. G. comes out of bungalow. + +MRS. G. My husband! CAPT. G. (Lazily, with intense enjoyment.) Eb, +wha-at? Say that again. + +MRS. G. I've written to Mamma and told her that we shall be back on the +17th. + +CAPT. G. Did you give her my love? + +MRS. G. No, I kept all that for myself. (Sitting down by his side.) I +thought you wouldn't mind. + +CAPT. G. (With mock sternness.) I object awf'ly. How did you know that +it was yours to keep? + +MRS. G. I guessed, Phil. + +CAPT. G. (Rapturously.) Lit-tle Featherweight! + +MRS. G. I won' t be called those sporting pet names, bad boy. + +CAPT. G. You'll be called anything I choose. Has it ever occurred to +you, Madam, that you are my Wife? + +MRS. G. It has. I haven't ceased wondering at it yet. + +CAPT. G. Nor I. It seems so strange; and yet, somehow, it doesn't. +(Confidently.) You see, it could have been no one else. + +MRS. G. (Softly.) No. No one else--for me or for you. It must have been +all arranged from the beginning. Phil, tell me again what made you care +for me. + +CAPT. G. How could I help it? You were you, you know. + +MRS. G. Did you ever want to help it? Speak the truth! + +CAPT. G. (A twinkle in his eye.) I did, darling, just at the first. Rut +only at the very first. (Chuckles.) I called you--stoop low and I'll +whisper--“a little beast.” Ho! Ho! Ho! + +MRS. G. (Taking him by the moustache and making him sit up.) +“A--little--beast!” Stop laughing over your crime! And yet you had +the--the--awful cheek to propose to me! + +CAPT. C. I'd changed my mind then. And you weren't a little beast any +more. + +MRS. G. Thank you, sir! And when was I ever? + +CAPT. G. Never! But that first day, when you gave me tea in that +peach-colored muslin gown thing, you looked--you did indeed, dear--such +an absurd little mite. And I didn't know what to say to you. + +MRS. G. (Twisting moustache.) So you said “little beast.” Upon my word, +Sir! I called you a “Crrrreature,” but I wish now I had called you +something worse. + +CAPT. G. (Very meekly.) I apologize, but you're hurting me awf'ly. +(Interlude.) You're welcome to torture me again on those terms. + +MRS. G. Oh, why did you let me do it? + +CAPT. G. (Looking across valley.) No reason in particular, but--if it +amused you or did you any good--you might--wipe those dear little boots +of yours on me. + +MRS. G. (Stretching out her hands.) Don't! Oh, don't! Philip, my King, +please don't talk like that. It's how I feel. You're so much too good +for me. So much too good! + +CAPT. G. Me! I'm not fit to put my arm around you. (Puts it round.) + +MRS. C. Yes, you are. But I--what have I ever done? + +CAPT. G. Given me a wee bit of your heart, haven't you, my Queen! + +MRS. G. That's nothing. Any one would do that. They cou-couldn't help +it. + +CAPT. G. Pussy, you'll make me horribly conceited. Just when I was +beginning to feel so humble, too. + +MRS. G. Humble! I don't believe it's in your character. + +CAPT. G. What do you know of my character, Impertinence? + +MRS. G. Ah, but I shall, shan't I, Phil? I shall have time in all the +years and years to come, to know everything about you; and there will be +no secrets between us. + +CAPT. G. Little witch! I believe you know me thoroughly already. + +MRS. G. I think I can guess. You're selfish? + +CAPT. G. Yes. + +MRS. G. Foolish? + +CAPT. G. Very. + +MRS. G. And a dear? + +CAPT. G. That is as my lady pleases. + +MRS. G. Then your lady is pleased. (A pause.) D'you know that we're two +solemn, serious, grown-up people--CAPT. G. (Tilting her straw hat over +her eyes.) You grown-up! Pooh! You're a baby. + +MRS. G. And we're talking nonsense. + +CAPT. G. Then let's go on talking nonsense. I rather like it. Pussy, +I'll tell you a secret. Promise not to repeat? + +MRS. G. Ye-es. Only to you. + +CAPT. G. I love you. + +MRS. G. Re-ally! For how long? + +CAPT. G. Forever and ever. + +MRS. G. That's a long time. + +CAPT. G. 'Think so? It's the shortest I can do with. + +MRS. G. You're getting quite clever. + +CAPT. G. I'm talking to you. + +MRS. G. Prettily turned. Hold up your stupid old head and I'll pay you +for it. + +CAPT. G. (Affecting supreme contempt.) Take it yourself if you want it. + +MRS. G. I've a great mind to--and I will! (Takes it and is repaid with +interest.) + +CAPT. G, Little Featherweight, it's my opinion that we are a couple of +idiots. + +MRS. G. We're the only two sensible people in the world. Ask the eagle. +He's coming by. + +CAPT. G. Ah! I dare say he's seen a good many sensible people at Mahasu. +They say that those birds live for ever so long. + +MRS. G. How long? + +CAPT. G. A hundred and twenty years. + +MRS. G. A hundred and twenty years! O-oh! And in a hundred and twenty +years where will these two sensible people be? + +CAPT. G. What does it matter so long as we are together now? + +MRS. G. (Looking round the horizon.) Yes. Only you and I--I and you--in +the whole wide, wide world until the end. (Sees the line of the Snows.) +How big and quiet the hills look! D'you think they care for us? + +CAPT. G. 'Can't say I've consulted em particularly. I care, and that's +enough for me. + +MRS. G. (Drawing nearer to him.) Yes, now--but afterward. What's that +little black blur on the Snows? + +CAPT. G. A snowstorm, forty miles away. You'll see it move, as the wind +carries it across the face of that spur and then it will be all gone. + +MRS. G. And then it will be all gone. (Shivers.) + +CAPT. G. (Anxiously.) Not chilled, pet, are you? Better let me get +your cloak. + +MRS. G. No. Don't leave me, Phil. Stay here. I believe I am afraid. Oh, +why are the hills so horrid! Phil, promise me that you'll always love +me. + +CAPT. G. What's the trouble, darling? I can't promise any more than I +have; but I'll promise that again and again if you like. + +MRs. G. (Her head on his shoulder.) Say it, then--say it! N-no--don't! +The--the--eagles would laugh. (Recovering.) My husband, you've married a +little goose. + +CAPT. G. (Very tenderly.) Have I? I am content whatever she is, so long +as she is mine. + +MRS. G. (Quickly.) Because she is yours or because she is me mineself? + +CAPT. G. Because she is both. (Piteously.) I'm not clever, dear, and I +don't think I can make myself understood properly. + +MRS. G. I understand. Pip, will you tell me something? + +CAPT. G. Anything you like. (Aside.) I wonder what's coming now. + +MRS. G. (Haltingly, her eyes 'owered.) You told me once in the old +days--centuries and centuries ago--that you had been engaged before. I +didn't say anything--then. + +CAPT. G. (Innocently.) Why not? + +MRS. G. (Raising her eyes to his.) Because--because I was afraid of +losing you, my heart. But now--tell about it--please. + +CAPT. G. There's nothing to tell. I was awf'ly old then--nearly two and +twenty--and she was quite that. + +MRS. G. That means she was older than you. I shouldn't like her to have +been younger. Well? + +CAPT. G. Well, I fancied myself in love and raved about a bit, and--oh, +yes, by Jove! I made up poetry. Ha! Ha! + +MRS. G. You never wrote any for me! What happened? + +CAPT. G. I came out here, and the whole thing went phut. She wrote to +say that there had been a mistake, and then she married. + +MRS. G. Did she care for you much? + +CAPT. G. No. At least she didn't show it as far as I remember. + +MRS. G. As far as you remember! Do you remember her name? (Hears it and +bows her head.) Thank you, my husband. + +CAPT. G. Who but you had the right? Now, Little Featherweight, have you +ever been mixed up in any dark and dismal tragedy? + +MRS. G. If you call me Mrs. Gadsby, p'raps I'll tell. + +CAPT. G. (Throwing Parade rasp into his voice.) Mrs. Gadsby, confess! + +MRS. G. Good Heavens, Phil! I never knew that you could speak in that +terrible voice. + +CAPT. G. You don't know half my accomplishments yet. Wait till we are +settled in the Plains, and I'll show you how I bark at my troop. You +were going to say, darling? + +MRS. G. I--I don't like to, after that voice. (Tremulously.) Phil, never +you dare to speak to me in that tone, whatever I may do! + +CAPT. G. My poor little love! Why, you're shaking all over. I am so +sorry. Of course I never meant to upset you Don't tell me anything, I'm +a brute. + +MRS. G. No, you aren't, and I will tell--There was a man. + +CAPT. G. (Lightly.) Was there? Lucky man! + +MRS. G. (In a whisper.) And I thought I cared for him. + +CAPT. G. Still luckier man! Well? + +MRS. G. And I thought I cared for him--and I didn't--and then you +came--and I cared for you very, very much indeed. That's all. (Face +hidden.) You aren't angry, are you? + +CAPT. G. Angry? Not in the least. (Aside.) Good Lord, what have I done +to deserve this angel? + +MRS. G. (Aside.) And he never asked for the name! How funny men are! But +perhaps it's as well. + +CAPT. G. That man will go to heaven because you once thought you cared +for him. 'Wonder if you'll ever drag me up there? + +MRS. G. (Firmly.) 'Sha'n't go if you don't. + +CAPT. G. Thanks. I say, Pussy, I don't know much about your religious +beliefs. You were brought up to believe in a heaven and all that, +weren't you? + +MRS. G. Yes. But it was a pincushion heaven, with hymn-books in all the +pews. + +CAPT. G. (Wagging his head with intense conviction.) Never mind. There +is a pukka heaven. + +MRS. G. Where do you bring that message from, my prophet? + +CAPT. G. Here! Because we care for each other. So it's all right. + +Mrs. G. (As a troop of langurs crash through the branches.) So it's all +right. But Darwin says that we came from those! + +CAPT. G. (Placidly.) Ah! Darwin was never in love with an angel. That +settles it. Sstt, you brutes! Monkeys, indeed! You shouldn't read those +books. + +MRS. G. (Folding her hands.) If it pleases my Lord the King to issue +proclamation. + +CAPT. G. Don't, dear one. There are no orders between us. Only I'd +rather you didn't. They lead to nothing, and bother people's heads. + +MRS. G. Like your first engagement. + +CAPT. G. (With an immense calm.) That was a necessary evil and led to +you. Are you nothing? + +MRS. G. Not so very much, am I? + +CAPT. G. All this world and the next to me. + +MRS. G. (Very softly.) My boy of boys! Shall I tell you something? + +CAPT. G. Yes, if it's not dreadful--about other men. + +MRS. G. It's about my own bad little self. + +CAPT. G. Then it must be good. Go on, dear. + +MRS. G. (Slowly.) I don't know why I'm telling you, Pip; but if ever you +marry again-(Interlude.) Take your hand from my mouth or I'll bite! In +the future, then remember--I don't know quite how to put it! + +CAPT. G. (Snorting indignantly.) Don't try. “Marry again,” indeed! + +MRS. G. I must. Listen, my husband. Never, never, never tell your wife +anything that you do not wish her to remember and think over all her +life. Because a woman--yes, I am a woman--can't forget. + +CAPT. G. By Jove, how do you know that? + +MRS. G. (Confusedly.) I don't. I'm only guessing. I am--I was--a silly +little girl; but I feel that I know so much, oh, so very much more than +you, dearest. To begin with, I'm your wife. + +CAPT. G. So I have been led to believe. + +MRS. G. And I shall want to know every one of your secrets--to share +everything you know with you. (Stares round desperately.) + +CAPT. G. So you shall, dear, so you shall--but don't look like that. + +MRS. G. For your own sake don't stop me, Phil. I shall never talk to you +in this way again. You must not tell me! At least, not now. Later on, +when I'm an old matron it won't matter, but if you love me, be very good +to me now; for this part of my life I shall never forget! Have I made +you understand? + +CAPT. G. I think so, child. Have I said anything yet that you disapprove +of? + +MRS. G. Will you be very angry? That--that voice, and what you said +about the engagement-- + +CAPT. G. But you asked to be told that, darling. + +MRS. G. And that's why you shouldn't have told me! You must be the +Judge, and, oh, Pip, dearly as I love you, I shan't be able to help you! +I shall hinder you, and you must judge in spite of me! + +CAPT. G. (Meditatively.) We have a great many things to find out +together, God help us both--say so, Pussy--but we shall understand each +other better every day; and I think I'm beginning to see now. How in the +world did you come to know just the importance of giving me just that +lead? + +MRS. G. I've told you that I don't know. Only somehow it seemed that, in +all this new life, I was being guided for your sake as well as my own. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then Mafilin was right! They know, and we--we're blind +all of us. (Lightly.) 'Getting a little beyond our depth, dear, aren't +we? I'll remember, and, if I fail, let me be punished as I deserve. + +MRS. G. There shall be no punishment. We'll start into life together +from here--you and I--and no one else. + +CAPT. G. And no one else. (A pause.) Your eyelashes are all wet, Sweet? +Was there ever such a quaint little Absurdity? + +MRS. G. Was there ever such nonsense talked before? + +CAPT. G. (Knocking the ashes out of his pipe.) 'Tisn't what we say, it's +what we don't say, that helps. And it's all the profoundest philosophy. +But no one would understand--even if it were put into a book. + +MRS. G. The idea! No--only we ourselves, or people like ourselves--if +there are any people like us. + +CAPT. G. (Magisterially.) All people, not like ourselves, are blind +idiots. + +MRS. G. (Wiping her eyes.) Do you think, then, that there are any people +as happy as we are? + +CAPT. G. 'Must be--unless we've appropriated all the happiness in the +world. + +MRS. G. (Looking toward Simla.) Poor dears! Just fancy if we have! + +CAPT. G. Then we'll hang on to the whole show, for it's a great deal too +jolly to lose--eh, wife o' mine? + +MRS. G. O Pip! Pip! How much of you is a solemn, married man and how +much a horrid slangy schoolboy? + +CAPT. G. When you tell me how much of you was eighteen last birthday and +how much is as old as the Sphinx and twice as mysterious, perhaps I'll +attend to you. Lend me that banjo. The spirit moveth me to jowl at the +sunset. + +MRS. G. Mind! It's not tuned. Ah! How that jars! + +CAPT G. (Turning pegs.) It's amazingly different to keep a banjo to +proper pitch. + +MRS. G. It's the same with all musical instruments, What shall it be? + +CAPT. G. “Vanity,” and let the hills hear. (Sings through the first and +hal' of the second verse. Turning to MRS. G.) Now, chorus! Sing, Pussy! + +BOTH TOGETHER. (Con brio, to the horror of the monkeys who are settling +for the night.)-- + + “Vanity, all is Vanity,” said Wisdom, scorning me-- + I clasped my true Love's tender hand and answered frank and free-ee + “If this be Vanity who'd be wise? If this be Vanity who'd be wise? + If this be Vanity who'd be wi-ise (Crescendo.) Vanity let it be!” + +MRS. G. (Defiantly to the grey of the evening sky.) “Vanity let it be!” + +ECHO. (Prom the Fagoo spur.) Let it be! + + + + +FATIMA + +And you may go in every room of the house and see everything that is +there, but into the Blue Room you must not go.--The Story of Blue Beard. + +SCENE.--The GADSBYS' bungalow in the Plains. Time, 11 A. M. on a +Sunday morning. Captain GADSBY, in his shirt-sleeves, is bending over a +complete set of Hussar's equipment, from saddle to picketing-rope, which +is neatly spread over the floor of his study. He is smoking an unclean +briar, and his forehead is puckered with thought. + +CAPT. G. (To himself, fingering a headstall.) Jack's an ass. There's +enough brass on this to load a mule--and, if the Americans know anything +about anything, it can be cut down to a bit only. 'Don't want the +watering-bridle, either. Humbug!-Half a dozen sets of chains and pulleys +for one horse! Rot! (Scratching his head.) Now, let's consider it all +over from the be-ginning. By Jove, I've forgotten the scale of weights! +Ne'er mind. 'Keep the bit only, and eliminate every boss from the +crupper to breastplate. No breastplate at all. Simple leather strap +across the breast-like the Russians. Hi! Jack never thought of that! + +MRS. G. (Entering hastily, her hand bound in a cloth.) Oh, Pip, I've +scalded my hand over that horrid, horrid Tiparee jam! + +CAPT. G. (Absently.) Eb! Wha-at? + +MRS. G. (With round-eyed reproach.) I've scalded it aw-fully! Aren't you +sorry? And I did so want that jam to jam properly. + +CAPT. G. Poor little woman! Let me kiss the place and make it well. +(Unrolling bandage.) You small sinner! Where's that scald? I can't see +it. + +MRS. G. On the top of the little finger. There!--It's a most 'normous big +burn! + +CAPT. G. (Kissing little finger.) Baby! Let Hyder look after the jam. +You know I don't care for sweets. + +MRS. G. In-deed?--Pip! + +CAPT. G. Not of that kind, anyhow. And now run along, Minnie, and leave +me to my own base devices. I'm busy. + +MRS. G. (Calmly settling herself in long chair.) So I see. What a mess +you're making! Why have you brought all that smelly leather stuff into +the house? + +CAPT. G. To play with. Do you mind, dear? + +MRS. G. Let me play too. I'd like it. + +CAPT. G. I'm afraid you wouldn't. Pussy--Don't you think that jam will +burn, or whatever it is that jam does when it's not looked after by a +clever little housekeeper? + +MRS. G. I thought you said Hyder could attend to it. I left him in the +veranda, stirring--when I hurt myself so. + +CAPT. G. (His eye returning to the equipment.) Po-oor little +woman!--Three pounds four and seven is three eleven, and that can be cut +down to two eight, with just a lee-tle care, without weakening anything. +Farriery is all rot in incompetent hands. What's the use of a shoe-case +when a man's scouting? He can't stick it on with a lick-like a +stamp--the shoe! Skittles-- + +MRS. G. What's skittles? Pah! What is this leather cleaned with? + +CAPT. G. Cream and champagne and--Look here, dear, do you really want to +talk to me about anything important? + +MRS. G. No. I've done my accounts, and I thought I'd like to see what +you're doing. + +CAPT. G. Well, love, now you've seen and--Would you mind?--That is to +say--Minnie, I really am busy. + +MRS. G. You want me to go? + +CAPT. G, Yes, dear, for a little while. This tobacco will hang in your +dress, and saddlery doesn't interest you. + +MRS. G. Everything you do interests me, Pip. + +CAPT. G. Yes, I know, I know, dear. I'll tell you all about it some day +when I've put a head on this thing. In the meantime-- + +MRS. G. I'm to be turned out of the room like a troublesome child? + +CAPT. G. No-o. I don't mean that exactly. But, you see, I shall be +tramping up and down, shifting these things to and fro, and I shall be +in your way. Don't you think so? + +MRS. G. Can't I lift them about? Let me try. (Reaches forward to +trooper's saddle.) + +CAPT. G. Good gracious, child, don't touch it. You'll hurt yourself. +(Picking up saddle.) Little girls aren't expected to handle numdahs. +Now, where would you like it put? (Holds saddle above his head.) + +MRS. G. (A break in her voice.) Nowhere. Pip, how good you are--and how +strong! Oh, what's that ugly red streak inside your arm? + +CAPT. G. (Lowering saddle quickly.) Nothing. It's a mark of sorts. +(Aside.) And Jack's coming to tiffin with his notions all cut and dried! + +MRS. G. I know it's a mark, but I've never seen it before. It runs all +up the arm. What is it? + +CAPT. G. A cut--if you want to know. + +MRS. G. Want to know! Of course I do! I can't have my husband cut to +pieces in this way. How did it come? Was it an accident? Tell me, Pip. + +CAPT. G. (Grimly.) No. 'Twasn't an accident. I got it--from a man--in +Afghanistan. + +MRS. G. In action? Oh, Pip, and you never told me! + +CAPT. G. I'd forgotten all about it. + +MRS. G. Hold up your arm! What a horrid, ugly scar! Are you sure it +doesn't hurt now! How did the man give it you? + +CAPT. G. (Desperately looking at his watch.) With a knife. I came +down--old Van Loo did, that's to say--and fell on my leg, so I couldn't +run. And then this man came up and began chopping at me as I sprawled. + +MRS. G. Oh, don't, don't! That's enough!--Well, what happened? + +CAPT. G. I couldn't get to my holster, and Mafflin came round the corner +and stopped the performance. + +MRS. G. How? He's such a lazy man, I don't believe he did. + +CAPT. G. Don't you? I don't think the man had much doubt about it. Jack +cut his head off. + +MRS. G. Cut-his-head-off! “With one blow,” as they say in the books? + +CAPT. G. I'm not sure. I was too interested in myself to know much about +it. Anyhow, the head was off, and Jack was punching old Van Loo in the +ribs to make him get up. Now you know all about it, dear, and now-- + +MRS. G. You want me to go, of course. You never told me about this, +though I've been married to you for ever so long; and you never would +have told me if I hadn't found out; and you never do tell me anything +about yourself, or what you do, or what you take an interest in. + +CAPT. G. Darling, I'm always with you, aren't I? + +MRS. G. Always in my pocket, you were going to say. I know you are; but +you are always thinking away from me. + +CAPT. G. (Trying to hide a smile.) Am I? I wasn't aware of it. I'm +awf'ly sorry. + +MRS. G. (Piteously.) Oh, don't make fun of me! Pip, you know what I +mean. When you are reading one of those things about Cavalry, by that +idiotic Prince--why doesn't he be a Prince instead of a stable-boy? + +CAPT. G. Prince Kraft a stable-boy--Oh, my Aunt! Never mind, dear. You +were going to say? + +MRS. G. It doesn't matter; you don't care for what I say. Only--only +you get up and walk about the room, staring in front of you, and then +Mafflin comes in to dinner, and after I'm in the drawing-room I can hear +you and him talking, and talking, and talking, about things I can't +understand, and--oh, I get so tired and feel so lonely!--I don't want to +complain and be a trouble, Pip; but I do indeed I do! + +CAPT. G. My poor darling! I never thought of that. Why don't you ask +some nice people in to dinner? + +MRS. G. Nice people! Where am I to find them? Horrid frumps! And if I +did, I shouldn't be amused. You know I only want you. + +CAPT, G. And you have me surely, Sweetheart? + +MRS. G. I have not! Pip why don't you take me into your life? + +CAPT. G. More than I do? That would be difficult, dear. + +MRS. G. Yes, I suppose it would--to you. I'm no help to you--no +companion to you; and you like to have it so. + +CAPT. G. Aren't you a little unreasonable, Pussy? + +MRS. G. (Stamping her foot.) I'm the most reasonable woman in the +world--when I'm treated properly. + +CAPT. G. And since when have I been treating you improperly? + +MRS. G. Always--and since the beginning. You know you have. + +CAPT. G. I don't; but I'm willing to be convinced. + +MRS. G. (Pointing to saddlery.) There! + +CAPT. G. How do you mean? + +MRS. G. What does all that mean? Why am I not to be told? Is it so +precious? + +CAPT. G. I forget its exact Government value just at present. It means +that it is a great deal too heavy. + +MRS. G. Then why do you touch it? + +CAPT. G. To make it lighter. See here, little love, I've one notion +and Jack has another, but we are both agreed that all this equipment is +about thirty pounds too heavy. The thing is how to cut it down without +weakening any part of it, and, at the same time, allowing the trooper +to carry everything he wants for his own comfort-socks and shirts and +things of that kind. + +MRS. G. Why doesn't he pack them in a little trunk? + +CAPT. G. (Kissing her.) Oh, you darling! Pack them in a little trunk, +indeed! Hussars don't carry trunks, and it's a most important thing to +make the horse do all the carrying. + +MRS. G. But why need you bother about it? You're not a trooper. + +CAPT. G. No; but I command a few score of him; and equipment is nearly +everything in these days. + +MRS. G. More than me? + +CAPT. G. Stupid! Of course not; but it's a matter that I'm tremendously +interested in, because if I or Jack, or I and Jack, work out some sort +of lighter saddlery and all that, it's possible that we may get it +adopted. + +MRS. G. How? + +CAPT. G. Sanctioned at Home, where they will make a sealed pattern--a +pattern that all the saddlers must copy--and so it will be used by all +the regiments. + +MRS. G. And that interests you? + +CAPT. G. It's part of my profession, y'know, and my profession is a good +deal to me. Everything in a soldier's equipment is important, and if we +can improve that equipment, so much the better for the soldiers and for +us. + +MRS. G. Who's “us”? + +CAPT. G. Jack and I; only Jack's notions are too radical. What's that +big sigh for, Minnie? + +MRS. G. Oh, nothing--and you've kept all this a secret from me! Why? + +CAPT. G. Not a secret, exactly, dear. I didn't say anything about it to +you because I didn't think it would amuse you. + +MRS. G. And am I only made to be amused? + +CAPT. G. No, of course. I merely mean that it couldn't interest you. + +MRS. G. It's your work and--and if you'd let me, I'd count all these +things up. If they are too heavy, you know by how much they are too +heavy, and you must have a list of things made out to your scale of +lightness, and-- + +CAPT. G. I have got both scales somewhere in my head; but it's hard to +tell how light you can make a head-stall, for instance, until you've +actually had a model made. + +MRS. G. But if you read out the list, I could copy it down, and pin it +up there just above your table. Wouldn't that do? + +CAPT. G. It would be awf'ly nice, dear, but it would be giving you +trouble for nothing. I can't work that way. I go by rule of thumb. I +know the present scale of weights, and the other one--the one that +I'm trying to work to--will shift and vary so much that I couldn't be +certain, even if I wrote it down. + +MRS. G. I'm so sorry. I thought I might help. Is there anything else +that I could be of use in? + +CAPT. G. (Looking round the room.) I can't think of anything. You're +always helping me you know. + +MRS. G. Am I? How? + +CAPT. G. You are of course, and as long as you're near me--I can't +explain exactly, but it's in the air. + +MRS. G. And that's why you wanted to send me away? + +CAPT. G. That's only when I'm trying to do work--grubby work like this. + +MRS. G. Mafflin's better, then, isn't he? + +CAPT. G. (Rashly.) Of course he is. Jack and I have been thinking along +the same groove for two or three years about this equipment. It's our +hobby, and it may really be useful some day. + +MRS. G. (After a pause.) And that's all that you have away from me? + +CAPT. G. It isn't very far away from you now. Take care the oil on that +bit doesn't come off on your dress. + +MRS. G. I wish--I wish so much that I could really help you. I believe I +could--if I left the room. But that's not what I mean. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Give me patience! I wish she would go. (Aloud.) I +as-sure you you can't do anything for me, Minnie, and I must really +settle down to this. Where's my pouch? + +MRS. G. (Crossing to writing-table.) Here you are, Bear. What a mess you +keep your table in! + +CAPT. G. Don't touch it. There's a method in my madness, though you +mightn't think of it. + +MRS. G. (At table.) I want to look--Do you keep accounts, Pip? + +CAPT. G. (Bending over saddlery.) Of a sort. Are you rummaging among the +Troop papers? Be careful. + +MRs. G. Why? I sha'n't disturb anything. Good gracious! I had no idea +that you had anything to do with so many sick horses. + +CAPT. G. 'Wish I hadn't, but they insist on falling sick. Minnie, if +I were you I really should not investigate those papers. You may come +across something that you won't like. + +MRS. G. Why will you always treat me like a child? I know I'm not +displacing the horrid things. + +CAPT. G. (Resignedly.) Very well, then. Don't blame me if anything +happens. Play with the table and let me go on with the saddlery. +(Slipping hand into trousers-pocket.) Oh, the deuce! + +MRS. G. (Her back to G.) What's that for? + +CAPT. G. Nothing. (Aside.) There's not much in it, but I wish I'd torn +it up. + +MRS. G. (Turning over contents of table.) I know you'll hate me for +this; but I do want to see what your work is like. (A pause.) Pip, what +are “farcybuds”? + +CAPT. G. Hab! Would you really like to know? They aren't pretty things. + +MRS. G. This Journal of Veterinary Science says they are of “absorbing +interest.” Tell me. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) It may turn her attention. + +Gives a long and designedly loathsome account of glanders and farcy. + +MRS. G. Oh, that's enough. Don't go on! + +CAPT. G. But you wanted to know--Then these things suppurate and +matterate and spread-- + +MRS. G. Pin, you're making me sick! You're a horrid, disgusting +schoolboy. + +CAPT. G. (On his knees among the bridles.) You asked to be told. It's +not my fault if you worry me into talking about horrors. + +MRS. G. Why didn't you say--No? + +CAPT. G. Good Heavens, child! Have you come in here simply to bully me? + +MRS. G. I bully you? How could I! You're so strong. (Hysterically.) +Strong enough to pick me up and put me outside the door and leave me +there to cry. Aren't you? + +CAPT. G. It seems to me that you're an irrational little baby. Are you +quite well? + +MRS. G. Do I look ill? (Returning to table). Who is your lady friend +with the big grey envelope and the fat monogram outside? + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then it wasn't locked up, confound it. (Aloud.) +“God made her, therefore let her pass for a woman.” You remember what +farcybuds are like? + +MRS. G. (Showing envelope.) This has nothing to do with them. I'm going +to open it. May I? + +CAPT. G. Certainly, if you want to. I'd sooner you didn't though. I +don't ask to look at your letters to the Deer-court girl. + +MRS. G. You'd better not, Sir! (Takes letter from envelope.) Now, may I +look? If you say no, I shall cry. + +CAPT. G. You've never cried in my knowledge of you, and I don't believe +you could. + +MRS. G. I feel very like it to-day, Pip. Don't be hard on me. (Reads +letter.) It begins in the middle, without any “Dear Captain Gadsby,” or +anything. How funny! + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, it's not Dear Captain Gadsby, or anything, now. +How funny! + +MRS. G. What a strange letter! (Reads.) “And so the moth has come +too near the candle at last, and has been singed into--shall I say +Respectability? I congratulate him, and hope he will be as happy as he +deserves to be.” What does that mean? Is she congratulating you about +our marriage? + +CAPT. G. Yes, I suppose so. + +MRS. G. (Still reading letter.) She seems to be a particular friend of +yours. + +CAPT. G. Yes. She was an excellent matron of sorts--a Mrs. +Herriott--wife of a Colonel Herriott. I used to know some of her people +at Home long ago--before I came out. + +MRS. G. Some Colonel's wives are young--as young as me. I knew one who +was younger. + +CAPT. G. Then it couldn't have been Mrs. Herriott. She was old enough to +have been your mother, dear. + +MRS. G. I remember now. Mrs. Scargill was talking about her at the +Dutfins' tennis, before you came for me, on Tuesday. Captain Mafflin +said she was a “dear old woman.” Do you know, I think Mafilin is a very +clumsy man with his feet. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) Good old Jack! (Aloud.) Why, dear? + +MRS. G. He had put his cup down on the ground then, and he literally +stepped into it. Some of the tea spirted over my dress--the grey one. I +meant to tell you about it before. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) There are the makings of a strategist about Jack +though his methods are coarse. (Aloud.) You'd better get a new dress, +then. (Aside.) Let us pray that that will turn her. + +MRS. G. Oh, it isn't stained in the least. I only thought that I'd tell +you. (Returning to letter.) What an extraordinary person! (Reads.) +“But need I remind you that you have taken upon yourself a charge of +wardship”--what in the world is a charge of wardship?--“which as you +yourself know, may end in Consequences”-- + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) It's safest to let em see everything as they come +across it; but 'seems to me that there are exceptions to the rule. +(Aloud.) I told you that there was nothing to be gained from rearranging +my table. + +MRS. G. (Absently.) What does the woman mean? She goes on talking about +Consequences--“almost inevitable Consequences” with a capital C-- for +half a page. (Flushing scarlet.) Oh, good gracious! How abominable! + +CAPT. G. (Promptly.) Do you think so? Doesn't it show a sort of motherly +interest in us? (Aside.) Thank Heaven. Harry always wrapped her meaning +up safely! (Aloud.) Is it absolutely necessary to go on with the letter, +darling? + +MRS. G. It's impertinent--it's simply horrid. What right has this woman +to write in this way to you? She oughtn't to. + +CAPT. G. When you write to the Deercourt girl, I notice that you +generally fill three or four sheets. Can't you let an old woman babble +on paper once in a way? She means well. + +MRS. G. I don't care. She shouldn't write, and if she did, you ought to +have shown me her letter. + +CAPT. G. Can't you understand why I kept it to myself, or must I explain +at length--as I explained the farcybuds? + +MRS. G. (Furiously.) Pip I hate you! This is as bad as those idiotic +saddle-bags on the floor. Never mind whether it would please me or not, +you ought to have given it to me to read. + +CAPT. G. It comes to the same thing. You took it yourself. + +MRS. G. Yes, but if I hadn't taken it, you wouldn't have said a word. +I think this Harriet Herriott--it's like a name in a book--is an +interfering old Thing. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) So long as you thoroughly understand that she is old, +I don't much care what you think. (Aloud.) Very good, dear. Would you +like to write and tell her so? She's seven thousand miles away. + +MRS. G. I don't want to have anything to do with her, but you ought to +have told me. (Turning to last page of letter.) And she patronizes me, +too. I've never seen her! (Reads.) “I do not know how the world stands +with you; in all human probability I shall never know; but whatever I +may have said before, I pray for her sake more than for yours that all +may be well. I have learned what misery means, and I dare not wish that +any one dear to you should share my knowledge.” + +CAPT. G. Good God! Can't you leave that letter alone, or, at least, +can't you refrain from reading it aloud? I've been through it once. Put +it back on 'he desk. Do you hear me? + +MRS. G. (Irresolutely.) I sh-sha'n't! (Looks at G.'s eyes.) Oh, Pip, +please! I didn't mean to make you angry--'Deed, I didn't. Pip, I'm so +sorry. I know I've wasted your time--CAPT. G. (Grimly.) You have. Now, +will you be good enough to go--if there is nothing more in my room that +you are anxious to pry into? + +MRS. G. (Putting out her hands.) Oh, Pip, don't look at me like that! +I've never seen you look like that before and it hu-urts me! I'm sorry. +I oughtn't to have been here at all, and--and--and--(sobbing.) Oh, be +good to me! Be good to me! There's only you--anywhere! Breaks down in +long chair, hiding face in cushions. + +CAPT. G. (Aside.) She doesn't know how she flicked me on the raw. +(Aloud, bending over chair.) I didn't mean to be harsh, dear--I didn't +really. You can stay here as long as you please, and do what you please. +Don't cry like that. You'll make yourself sick. (Aside.) What on earth +has come over her? (Aloud.) Darling, what's the matter with you? + +Mrs. G. (Her face still hidden.) Let me go--let me go to my own room. +Only--only say you aren't angry with me. + +CAPT. G. Angry with you, love! Of course not. I was angry with myself. +I'd lost my temper over the saddlery--Don't hide your face, Pussy. I +want to kiss it. + +Bends lower, MRS. G. slides right arm round his neck. Several interludes +and much sobbing. + +MRS. G. (In a whisper.) I didn't mean about the jam when I came in to +tell you-- + +CAPT'. G. Bother the jam and the equipment! (Interlude.) + +MRS. G. (Still more faintly.) My finger wasn't scalded at all. +I--wanted to speak to you about--about--something else, and--I didn't +know how. + +CAPT. G. Speak away, then. (Looking into her eyes.) Eb! Wha-at? Minnie! +Here, don't go away! You don't mean? + +MRS. G. (Hysterically, backing to portiere and hiding her face in +its fold's.) The--the Almost Inevitable Consequences! (Flits through +portiere as G. attempts to catch her, and bolts her self in her own +room.) + +CAPT. G. (His arms full of portiere.) Oh! (Sitting down heavily in +chair.) I'm a brute--a pig--a bully, and a blackguard. My poor, poor +little darling! “Made to be amused only?”-- + + + + +THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW Knowing Good and Evil. + +SCENE.--The GADSBYS' bungalow in the Plains, in June. Punkah--coolies +asleep in veranda where Captain GADSBY is walking up and down. DOCTOR'S +trap in porch. JUNIOR CHAPLAIN drifting generally and uneasily through +the house. Time, 3:40 A. M. Heat 94 degrees in veranda. + +DOCTOR. (Coming into veranda and touching G. on the shoulder.) You had +better go in and see her now. + +CAPT. G. (The color of good cigar-ash.) Eb, wha-at? Oh, yes, of course. +What did you say? + +DOCTOR. (Syllable by syllable.) Go--in--to--the--room--and--see--her. +She wants to speak to you. (Aside, testily.) I shall have him on my +hands next. + +JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (In half-lighted dining room.) Isn't there any?-- + +DOCTOR. (Savagely.) Hsh, you little fool! + +JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. Let me do my work. Gadsby, stop a minute! (Edges after +G.) + +DOCTOR. Wait till she sends for you at least--at least. Man alive, he'll +kill you if you go in there! What are you bothering him for? + +JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Coming into veranda.) I've given him a stiff +brandy-peg. He wants it. You've forgotten him for the last ten hours +and--forgotten yourself too. + +CAPT. G. enters bedroom, which is lit by one night-lamp. Ayak on the +floor pretending to be asleep. + +VOICE. (From the bed.) All down the street--such bonfires! Ayah, go and +put them out! (Appealingly.) How can I sleep with an installation of the +C.I.E. in my room? No--not C.I.E. Something else. What was it? + +CAPT. G. (Trying to control his voice.) Minnie, I'm here. (Bending over +bed.) Don't you know me, Minnie? It's me--it's Phil--it's your husband. + +VOICE. (Mechanically.) It's me--it's Phil--it's your husband. + +CAPT. G. She doesn't know mel--It's your own husband, darling. + +VOICE. Your own husband, darling. AYAH. (With an inspiration.) Memsahib +understanding all I saying. + +CAPT. G. Make her understand me then--quick! + +AYAH. (Hand on MRS. G.'s forehead.) Memsahib! Captain Sahib here. + +VOICE. Salaem do. (Fretfully.) I know I'm not fit to be seen. + +AYAH. (Aside to G.) Say “marneen” same as breakfash. + +CAPT. G. Good-morning, little woman. How are we to-day? + +VOICE. That's Phil. Poor old Phil. (Viciously.) Phil, you fool, I can't +see you. Come nearer. + +CAPT. G. Minnie! Minnie! It's me--you know me? + +VOICE. (Mockingly.) Of course I do. Who does not know the man who was so +cruel to his wife--almost the only one he ever had? + +CAPT. G. Yes, dear. Yes--of course, of course. But won't you speak to +him? He wants to speak to you so much. + +VOICE. They'd never let him in. The Doctor would give darwaza bund even +if he were in the house. He'll never come. (Despairingly.) O Judas! +Judas! Judas! + +CAPT. G. (Putting out his arms.) They have let him in, and he always was +in the house Oh, my love--don't you know me? + +VOICE. (In a half chant.) “And it came to pass at the eleventh hour +that this poor soul repented.” It knocked at the gates, but they were +shut--tight as a plaster--a great, burning plaster They had pasted our +marriage certificate all across the door, and it was made of red-hot +iron--people really ought to be more careful, you know. + +CAPT. G. What am I to do? (Taking her in his arms.) Minnie! speak to +me--to Phil. + +VOICE. What shall I say? Oh, tell me what to say before it's too late! +They are all going away and I can't say anything. + +CAPT. G. Say you know me! Only say you know me! + +DOCTOR. (Who has entered quietly.) For pity's sake don't take it too +much to heart, Gadsby. It's this way sometimes. They won't recognize. +They say all sorts of queer things--don't you see? + +CAPT. G. All right! All right! Go away now; she'll recognize me; you're +bothering her. She must--mustn't she? + +DOCTOR. She will before--Have I your leave to try?-- + +CAPT. G. Anything you please, so long as she'll know me. It's only a +question of--hours, isn't it? + +DOCTOR. (Professionally.) While there's life there's hope y'know. But +don't build on it. + +CAPT. G. I don't. Pull her together if it's possible. (Aside.) What have +I done to deserve this? + +DOCTOR. (Bending over bed.) Now, Mrs. Gadsby! We shall be all right +tomorrow. You must take it, or I sha'n't let Phil see you. It isn't +nasty, is it? + +Voice. Medicines! Always more medicines! Can't you leave me alone? + +CAPT. G. Oh, leave her in peace, Doc! + +DOCTOR. (Stepping back,--aside.) May I be forgiven if I've none wrong. +(Aloud.) In a few minutes she ought to be sensible; but I daren't tell +you to look for anything. It's only-- + +CAPT. G. What? Go on, man. + +DOCTOR. (In a whisper.) Forcing the last rally. + +CAPT. G. Then leave us alone. + +DOCTOR. Don't mind what she says at first, if you can. They--they-they +turn against those they love most sometimes in this.--It's hard, but-- + +CAPT. G. Am I her husband or are you? Leave us alone for what time we +have together. + +VOICE. (Confidentially.) And we were engaged quite suddenly, Emma. I +assure you that I never thought of it for a moment; but, oh, my little +Me!--I don't know what I should have done if he hadn't proposed. + +CAPT. G. She thinks of that Deercourt girl before she thinks of me. +(Aloud.) Minnie! + +VOICE. Not from the shops, Mummy dear. You can get the real leaves from +Kaintu, and (laughing weakly) never mind about the blossoms--Dead white +silk is only fit for widows, and I won't wear it. It's as bad as a +winding sheet. (A long pause.) + +CAPT. G. I never asked a favor yet. If there is anybody to listen to me, +let her know me--even if I die too! + +VOICE. (Very faintly.) Pip, Pip dear. + +CAPT. G. I'm here, darling. + +VOICE. What has happened? They've been bothering me so with medicines +and things, and they wouldn't let you come and see me. I was never ill +before. Am I ill now? + +CAPT. G. You--you aren't quite well. + +VOICE. How funny! Have I been ill long? + +CAPT. G. Some day; but you'll be all right in a little time. + +VOICE. Do you think so, Pip? I don't feel well and--Oh! what have they +done to my hair? + +CAPT. G. I d-d-on't know. + +VOICE. They've cut it off. What a shame! + +CAPT. G. It must have been to make your head cooler. + +VOICE. Just like a boy's wig. Don't I look horrid? + +CAPT. G. Never looked prettier in your life, dear. (Aside.) How am I to +ask her to say good-bye? + +VOICE. I don't feel pretty. I feel very ill. My heart won't work. +It's nearly dead inside me, and there's a funny feeling in my eyes. +Everything seems the same distance--you and the almirah and the table +inside my eyes or miles away. What does it mean, Pip? + +CAPT. G. You're a little feverish, Sweetheart--very feverish. (Breaking +down.) My love! my love! How can I let you go? + +VOICE. I thought so. Why didn't you tell me that at first? + +CAPT. G. What? + +VOICE. That I am going to--die. + +CAPT. G. But you aren't! You sha'n't. + +AYAH to punkah-coolie. (Stepping into veranda after a glance at the bed. +). Punkah chor do! (Stop pulling the punkah.) + +VOICE. It's hard, Pip. So very, very hard after one year--just one year. + +(Wailing.) And I'm only twenty. Most girls aren't even married at +twenty. Can't they do anything to help me? I don't want to die. + +CAPT. G. Hush, dear. You won't. + +VOICE. What's the use of talking? Help me! You've never failed me yet. +Oh, Phil, help me to keep alive. (Feverishly.) I don't believe you wish +me to live. You weren't a bit sorry when that horrid Baby thing died. I +wish I'd killed it! + +CAPT. G. (Drawing his hand across his forehead.) It's more than a man's +meant to bear--it's not right. (Aloud.) Minnie, love, I'd die for you if +it would help. + +VOICE. No more death. There's enough already. Pip, don't you die too. + +CAPT. G. I wish I dared. + +VOICE. It says: “Till Death do us part.” Nothing after that--and so it +would be no use. It stops at the dying. Why does it stop there? Only +such a very short life, too. Pip, I'm sorry we married. + +CAPT. G. No! Anything but that, Mm! + +VOICE. Because you'll forget and I'll forget. Oh, Pip, don't forget! I +always loved you, though I was cross sometimes. If I ever did anything +that you didn't like, say you forgive me now. + +CAPT. G. You never did, darling. On my soul and honor you never did. I +haven't a thing to forgive you. + +VOICE. I sulked for a whole week about those petunias. (With a laugh.) +What a little wretch I was, and how grieved you were! Forgive me that, +Pp. + +CAPT. G. There's nothing to forgive. It was my fault. They were too near +the drive. For God's sake don't talk so, Minnie! There's such a lot to +say and so little time to say it in. + +VOICE. Say that you'll always love me--until the end. + +CAPT. G. Until the end. (Carried away.) It's a lie. It must be, because +we've loved each other. This isn't the end. + +VOICE. (Relapsing into semi-delirium.) My Church-service has an +ivory-cross on the back, and it says so, so it must be true. “Till Death +do us part.”--but that's a lie. (With a parody of G.'s manner.) A damned +lie! (Recklessly.) Yes, I can swear as well as a Trooper, Pip. I can't +make my head think, though. That's because they cut off my hair. How can +one think with one's head all fuzzy? (Pleadingly.) Hold me, Pip! Keep me +with you always and always. (Relapsing.) But if you marry the Thorniss +girl when I'm dead, I'll come back and howl under our bedroom window all +night. Oh, bother! You'll think I'm a jackall. Pip, what time is it? + +CAPT. G. A little before the dawn, dear. + +VOICE. I wonder where I shall be this time to-morrow? + +CAPT. G. Would you like to see the Padre? + +VOICE. Why should I? He'd tell me that I am going to heaven; and that +wouldn't be true, because you are here. Do you recollect when he upset +the cream-ice all over his trousers at the Gassers' tennis? + +CAPT. G. Yes, dear. + +VOICE. I often wondered whether he got another pair of trousers; but +then his are so shiny all over that you really couldn't tell unless you +were told. Let's call him in and ask. + +CAPT. G. (Gravely.) No. I don't think he'd like that. 'Your head comfy, +Sweetheart?' + +VOICE. (Faintly with a sigh of contentment.) Yeth! Gracious, Pip, when +did you shave last? Your chin's worse than the barrel of a musical +box.--No, don't lift it up. I like it. (A pause.) You said you've never +cried at all. You're crying all over my cheek. + +CAPT. G. I--I--I can't help it, dear. + +VOICE. How funny! I couldn't cry now to save my life. (G. shivers.) I +want to sing. + +CAPT. G. Won't it tire you? 'Better not, perhaps. + +VOICE. Why? I won't be bothered about. (Begins in a hoarse quaver) + +“Minnie bakes oaten cake, Minnie brews ale, All because her Johnnie's +coming home from the sea. (That's parade, Pip.) And she grows red as a +rose, who was so pale; And 'Are you sure the church--clock goes?' says +she.” + +(Pettishly.) I knew I couldn't take the last note. How do the bass +chords run? (Puts out her hands and begins playing piano on the sheet.) + +CAPT. G. (Catching up hands.) Ahh! Don't do that, Pussy, if you love me. + +VOICE. Love you? Of course I do. Who else should it be? (A pause.) + +VOICE. (Very clearly.) Pip, I'm going now. Something's choking me +cruelly. (Indistinctly.) Into the dark--without you, my heart--But it's +a lie, dear--we mustn't believe it.--Forever and ever, living or dead. +Don't let me go, my husband--hold me tight.--They can't--whatever +happens. (A cough.) Pip--my Pip! Not for always--and--so--soon! (Voice +ceases.) + +Pause of ten minutes. G. buries his face in the side of the bed while +AYAH bends over bed from opposite side and feels MRS. G.'s breast and +forehead. + +CAPT. G. (Rising.) Doctor Sahib ko salaam do. + +AYAH. (Still by bedside, with a shriek.) Ail Ail Tuta-phuta! My +Memsahib! Not getting--not have got!--Pusseena agyal (The sweat has +come.) (Fiercely to G.) TUM jao Doctor Sahib ko jaldi! (You go to the +doctor.) Oh, my Memsahib! + +DOCTOR. (Entering hastily.) Come away, Gadsby. (Bends over bed.) Eb! The +Dev--What inspired you to stop the punkab? Get out, man--go away--wait +outside! Go! Here, Ayah! (Over his shoulder to G.) Mind I promise +nothing. + +The dawn breaks as G. stumbles into the garden. + +CAPT. M. (Rehung up at the gate on his way to parade and very soberly.) +Old man, how goes? + +CAPT. G. (Dazed.) I don't quite know. Stay a bit. Have a drink or +something. Don't run away. You're just getting amusing. Ha! ha! + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) What am I let in for? Gaddy has aged ten years in the +night. + +CAPT. G. (Slowly, fingering charger's headstall.) Your curb's too loose. + +CAPT. M. So it is. Put it straight, will you? (Aside.) I shall be late +for parade. Poor Gaddy. + +CAPT. G. links and unlinks curb-chain aimlessly, and finally stands +staring toward the veranda. The day brightens. + +DOCTOR. (Knocked out of professional gravity, tramping across +flower-beds and shaking G's hands.) It'--it's--it's!--Gadsby, there's +a fair chance--a dashed fair chance. The flicker, y'know. The sweat, +y'know I saw how it would be. The punkab, y'know. Deuced clever woman +that Ayah of yours. Stopped the punkab just at the right time. A dashed +good chance! No--you don't go in. We'll pull her through yet I promise +on my reputation--under Providence. Send a man with this note to Bingle. +Two heads better than one. 'Specially the Ayah! We'll pull her round. +(Retreats hastily to house.) + +CAPT. G. (His head on neck of M.'s charger.) Jack! I bub--bu--believe, +I'm going to make a bu-bub-bloody exhibit of byself. + +CAPT. M. (Sniffing openly and feeling in his left cuff.) I b-b-believe, +I'b doing it already. Old bad, what cad I say? I'b as pleased as--Cod +dab you, Gaddy! You're one big idiot and I'b adother. (Pulling himself +together.) Sit tight! Here comes the Devil-dodger. + +JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Who is not in the Doctor's confidence.) We--we are +only men in these things, Gadsby. I know that I can say nothing now to +help. + +CAPT. M. (jealously.) Then don't say it Leave him alone. It's not bad +enough to croak over. Here, Gaddy, take the chit to Bingle and ride +hell-for-leather. It'll do you good. I can't go. + +JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. Do him good! (Smiling.) Give me the chit and I'll +drive. Let him lie down. Your horse is blocking my cart--please! + +CAPT. M. (Slowly without reining back.) I beg your pardon--I'll +apologize. On paper if you like. + +JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Flicking M.'s charger.) That'll do, thanks. Turn in, +Gadsby, and I'll bring Bingle back--ahem--“hell-for-leather.” + +CAPT. M. (Solus.) It would have served me right if he'd cut me across +the face. He can drive too. I shouldn't care to go that pace in a bamboo +cart. What a faith he must have in his Maker--of harness! Come hup, you +brute! (Gallops off to parade, blowing his nose, as the sun rises.) + +(INTERVAL OF' FIVE WEEKS.) + +MRS. G. (Very white and pinched, in morning wrapper at break fast +table.) How big and strange the room looks, and how glad I am to see it +again! What dust, though! I must talk to the servants. Sugar, Pip? I've +almost forgotten. (Seriously.) Wasn't I very ill? + +CAPT. G. Iller than I liked. (Tenderly.) Oh, you bad little Pussy, what +a start you gave me. + +MRS. G. I'll never do it again. + +CAPT. G. You'd better not. And now get those poor pale cheeks pink +again, or I shall be angry. Don't try to lift the urn. You'll upset it. +Wait. (Comes round to head of table and lifts urn.) + +MRS. G. (Quickly.) Khitmatgar, howarchikhana see kettly lao. Butler, get +a kettle from the cook-house. (Drawing down G.'s face to her own.) Pip +dear, I remember. + +CAPT. G. What? + +MRS. G. That last terrible night. + +CAPT'. G. Then just you forget all about it. + +MRS. G. (Softly, her eyes filling.) Never. It has brought us very close +together, my husband. There! (Interlude.) I'm going to give Junda a +saree. + +CAPT. G. I gave her fifty dibs. + +MRS. G. So she told me. It was a 'normous reward. Was I worth it? +(Several interludes.) Don't! Here's the khitmatgar.--Two lumps or one +Sir? + + + + +THE SWELLING OF JORDAN + +If thou hast run with the footmen and they have wearied thee, then how +canst thou contend with horses? And if in the land of peace wherein thou +trustedst they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of +Jordan? + +SCENE.--The GADSBYS' bungalow in the Plains, on a January morning. MRS. +G. arguing with bearer in back veranda. + +CAPT. M. rides up. + +CAPT. M. 'Mornin', Mrs. Gadsby. How's the Infant Phenomenon and the +Proud Proprietor? + +MRS. G. You'll find them in the front veranda; go through the house. I'm +Martha just now. + +CAPT. M, 'Cumbered about with cares of Khitmatgars? I fly. + +Passes into front veranda, where GADSBY is watching GADSBY JUNIOR, aged +ten months, crawling about the matting. + +CAPT. M. What's the trouble, Gaddy--spoiling an honest man's Europe +morning this way? (Seeing G. JUNIOR.) By Jove, that yearling's comm' on +amazingly! Any amount of bone below the knee there. + +CAPT. G. Yes, he's a healthy little scoundrel. Don't you think his +hair's growing? + +CAPT. M. Let's have a look. Hi! Hst Come here, General Luck, and we'll +report on you. + +MRS. G. (Within.) What absurd name will you give him next? Why do you +call him that? + +CAPT. M. Isn't he our Inspector--General of Cavalry? Doesn't he come +down in his seventeen-two perambulator every morning the Pink Hussars +parade? Don't wriggle, Brigadier. Give us your private opinion on the +way the third squadron went past. 'Trifle ragged, weren't they? + +CAPT. G. A bigger set of tailors than the new draft I don't wish to see. +They've given me more than my fair share--knocking the squadron out of +shape. It's sickening! + +CAPT. M. When you're in command, you'll do better, young 'un. Can't you +walk yet? Grip my finger and try. (To G.) 'Twon't hurt his hocks, will +it? + +CAPT. G. Oh, no. Don't let him flop, though, or he'll lick all the +blacking off your boots. + +MRS. G. (Within.) Who's destroying my son's character? + +CAPT. M. And my Godson's. I'm ashamed of you, Gaddy. Punch your father +in the eye, Jack! Don't you stand it! Hit him again! + +CAPT. G. (Sotto voce.) Put The Butcha down and come to the end of the +veranda. I'd rather the Wife didn't hear--just now. + +CAPT. M. You look awf'ly serious. Anything wrong? + +CAPT. G. 'Depends on your view entirely. I say, Jack, you won't think +more hardly of me than you can help, will you? Come further this +way.--The fact of the matter is, that I've made up my mind--at least I'm +thinking seriously of--cutting the Service. + +CAPT. M. Hwhatt? + +CAPT. G. Don't shout. I'm going to send in my papers. + +CAPT. M. You! Are you mad? + +CAPT. G. No--only married. + +CAPT. M. Look here! What's the meaning of it all? You never intend to +leave us. You can't. Isn't the best squadron of the best regiment of the +best cavalry in all the world good enough for you? + +CAPT. G. (Jerking his head over his shoulder.) She doesn't seem to +thrive in this God-forsaken country, and there's The Butcha to be +considered and all that, you know. + +CAPT. M. Does she say that she doesn't like India? + +CAPT. G. That's the worst of it. She won't for fear of leaving me. + +CAPT. M. What are the Hills made for? + +CAPT. G. Not for my wife, at any rate. + +CAPT. M. You know too much, Gaddy, and--I don't like you any the better +for it! + +CAPT. G. Never mind that. She wants England, and The Butcha would be all +the better for it. I'm going to chuck. You don't understand. + +CAPT. M. (Hotly.) I understand this One hundred and thirty-seven new +horse to be licked into shape somehow before Luck comes round again; a +hairy-heeled draft who'll give more trouble than the horses; a camp next +cold weather for a certainty; ourselves the first on the roster; the +Russian shindy ready to come to a head at five minutes' notice, and you, +the best of us all, backing out of it all! Think a little, Gaddy. You +won't do it. + +CAPT. G. Hang it, a man has some duties toward his family, I suppose. + +CAPT. M. I remember a man, though, who told me, the night after +Amdheran, when we were picketed under Jagai, and he'd left his sword--by +the way, did you ever pay Ranken for that sword?--in an Utmanzai's +head--that man told me that he'd stick by me and the Pinks as long as +he lived. I don't blame him for not sticking by me--I'm not much of a +man--but I do blame him for not sticking by the Pink Hussars. + +CAPT. G. (Uneasily.) We were little more than boys then. Can't you see, +Jack, how things stand? 'Tisn't as if we were serving for our bread. +We've all of us, more or less, got the filthy lucre. I'm luckier than +some, perhaps. There's no call for me to serve on. + +CAPT. M. None in the world for you or for us, except the Regimental. If +you don't choose to answer to that, of course-- + +CAPT. G. Don't be too hard on a man. You know that a lot of us only take +up the thing for a few years and then go back to Town and catch on with +the rest. + +CAPT. M. Not lots, and they aren't some of Us. + +CAPT. G. And then there are one's affairs at Home to be considered--my +place and the rents, and all that. I don't suppose my father can last +much longer, and that means the title, and so on. + +CAPT. M. 'Fraid you won't be entered in the Stud Book correctly unless +you go Home? Take six months, then, and come out in October. If I could +slay off a brother or two, I s'pose I should be a Marquis of sorts. +Any fool can be that; but it needs men, Gaddy--men like you--to lead +flanking squadrons properly. Don't you delude yourself into the belief +that you're going Home to take your place and prance about among +pink-nosed Kabuli dowagers. You aren't built that way. I know better. + +CAPT. G. A man has a right to live his life as happily as he can. You +aren't married. + +CAPT. M. No--praise be to Providence and the one or two women who have +had the good sense to jawab me. + +CAPT. G. Then you don't know what it is to go into your own room and see +your wife's head on the pillow, and when everything else is safe and the +house shut up for the night, to wonder whether the roof-beams won't give +and kill her. + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) Revelations first and second! (Aloud.) So-o! I knew +a man who got squiffy at our Mess once and confided to me that he never +helped his wife on to her horse without praying that she'd break her neck +before she came back. All husbands aren't alike, you see. + +CAPT. G. What on earth has that to do with my case? The man must ha' +been mad, or his wife as bad as they make 'em. + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'No fault of yours if either weren't all you say. +You've forgotten the time when you were insane about the Herriott woman. +You always were a good hand at forgetting. (Aloud.) Not more mad than +men who go to the other extreme. Be reasonable, Gaddy. Your roof-beams +are sound enough. + +CAPT. G. That was only a way of speaking. I've been uneasy and worried +about the Wife ever since that awful business three years ago--when--I +nearly lost her. Can you wonder? + +CAPT. M. Oh, a shell never falls twice in the same place. You've paid +your toll to misfortune--why should your Wife be picked out more than +anybody else's? + +CAPT. G. I can talk just as reasonably as you can, but you don't +understand--you don't understand. And then there's The Butcha. Deuce +knows where the Ayah takes him to sit in the evening! He has a bit of a +cough. Haven't you noticed it? + +CAPT. M. Bosh! The Brigadier's jumping out of his skin with pure +condition. He's got a muzzle like a rose-leaf and the chest of a +two-year-old. What's demoralized you? + +CAPT. G. Funk. That's the long and the short of it. Funk! + +CAPT. M. But what is there to funk? + +CAPT. G. Everything. It's ghastly. + +CAPT. M. Ah! I see. + +You don't want to fight, And by Jingo when we do, You've got the kid, +you've got the Wife, You've got the money, too. + +That's about the case, eh? + +CAPT. G. I suppose that's it. But it's not br myself. It's because of +them. At least I think it is. + +CAPT. M. Are you sure? Looking at the matter in a cold-blooded light, +the Wife is provided for even if you were wiped out tonight. She has +an ancestral home to go to, money and the Brigadier to carry on the +illustrious name. + +CAPT. G. Then it is for myself or because they are part of me. You don't +see it. My life's so good, so pleasant, as it is, that I want to make it +quite safe. Can't you understand? + +CAPT. M. Perfectly. “Shelter-pit for the Off'cer's charger,” as they say +in the Line. + +CAPT. G. And I have everything to my hand to make it so. I'm sick of the +strain and the worry for their sakes out here; and there isn't a single +real difficulty to prevent my dropping it altogether. It'll only cost +me--Jack, I hope you'll never know the shame that I've been going +through for the past six months. + +CAPT. M. Hold on there! I don't wish to be told. Every man has his moods +and tenses sometimes. + +CAPT. G. (Laughing bitterly.) Has he? What do you call craning over to +see where your near-fore lands? + +CAPT. M. In my case it means that I have been on the Considerable Bend, +and have come to parade with a Head and a Hand. It passes in three +strides. + +CAPT. G. (Lowering voice.) It never passes with me, Jack. I'm always +thinking about it. Phil Gadsby funking a fall on parade! Sweet picture, +isn't it! Draw it for me. + +CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Heaven forbid! A man like you can't be as bad as +that. A fall is no nice thing, but one never gives it a thought. + +CAPT. G. Doesn't one? Wait till you've got a wife and a youngster of +your own, and then you'll know how the roar of the squadron behind you +turns you cold all up the back. + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this man led at Amdheran after Bagal Deasin went +under, and we were all mixed up together, and he came out of the snow +dripping like a butcher. (Aloud.) Skittles! The men can always open out, +and you can always pick your way more or less. We haven't the dust to +bother us, as the men have, and whoever heard of a horse stepping on a +man? + +CAPT. G. Never-as long as he can see. But did they open out for poor +'Errington? + +CAPT. M. Oh, this is childish! + +CAPT. G. I know it is, worse than that. I don't care. You've ridden +Van Loo. Is he the sort of brute to pick his way-'specially when we're +coming up in column of troop with any pace on? + +CAPT. M. Once in a Blue Moon do we gallop in column of troop, and then +only to save time. Aren't three lengths enough for you? + +CAPT. G. Yes--quite enough. They just allow for the full development of +the smash. I'm talking like a cur, I know: but I tell you that, for the +past three months, I've felt every hoof of the squadron in the small of +my back every time that I've led. + +CAPT. M. But, Gaddy, this is awful! + +CAPT. G. Isn't it lovely? Isn't it royal? A Captain of the Pink Hussars +watering up his charger before parade like the blasted boozing Colonel +of a Black Regiment! + +CAPT. M. You never did! + +CAPT. G. Once Only. He squelched like a mussuck, and the +Troop--Sergeant-Major cocked his eye at me. You know old Haffy's eye. I +was afraid to do it again. + +CAPT. M. I should think so. That was the best way to rupture old Van +Loo's tummy, and make him crumple you up. You knew that. + +CAPT. G. I didn't care. It took the edge off him. + +CAPT. M. “Took the edge off him”? Gaddy, you--you--you mustn't, you +know! Think of the men. + +CAPT. G. That's another thing I am afraid of. D'you s'pose they know? + +CAPT. M. Let's hope not; but they're deadly quick to spot skirm--little +things of that kind. See here, old man, send the Wife Home for the hot +weather and come to Kashmir with me. We'll start a boat on the Dal or +cross the Rhotang--shoot ibex or loaf--which you please. Only come! +You're a bit off your oats and you're talking nonsense. Look at the +Colonel--swag-bellied rascal that he is. He has a wife and no end of a +bow-window of his own. Can any one of us ride round him--chalkstones and +all? I can't, and I think I can shove a crock along a bit. + +CAPT. G. Some men are different. I haven't any nerve. Lord help me, I +haven't the nerve! I've taken up a hole and a half to get my knees well +under the wallets. I can't help it. I'm so afraid of anything happening +to me. On my soul, I ought to be broke in front of the squadron, for +cowardice. + +CAPT. M. Ugly word, that. I should never have the courage to own up. + +CAPT. G. I meant to lie about my reasons when I began, but--I've got out +of the habit of lying to you, old man. Jack, you won't?--But I know you +won't. + +CAPT. M. Of course not. (Half aloud.) The Pinks are paying dearly for +their Pride. + +CAPT. G. Eb! What-at? + +CAPT. M. Don't you know? The men have called Mrs. Gadsby the Pride of +the Pink Hussars ever since she came to us. + +CAPT. G. 'Tisn't her fault. Don't think that. It's all mine. + +CAPT. M. What does she say? + +CAPT. G. I haven't exactly put it before her. She's the best little +woman in the world, Jack, and all that--but she wouldn't counsel a man +to stick to his calling if it came between him and her. At least, I +think-- + +CAPT. M. Never mind. Don't tell her what you told me. Go on the Peerage +and Landed-Gentry tack. + +CAPT. G. She'd see through it. She's five times cleverer than I am. + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) Then she'll accept the sacrifice and think a little +bit worse of him for the rest of her days. + +CAPT. G. (Absently.) I say, do you despise me? + +CAPT. M. 'Queer way of putting it. Have you ever been asked that +question? Think a minute. What answer used you to give? + +CAPT. G. So bad as that? I'm not entitled to expect anything more, but +it's a bit hard when one's best friend turns round and-- + +CAPT. M. So! have found But you will have consolations--Bailiffs and +Drains and Liquid Manure and the Primrose League, and, perhaps, if +you're lucky, the Colonelcy of a Yeomanry Cav-al-ry Regiment--all +uniform and no riding, I believe. How old are you? + +CAPT. G. Thirty-three. I know it's-- + +CAPT. M. At forty you'll be a fool of a J. P. landlord. At fifty you'll +own a bath-chair, and The Brigadier, if he takes after you, will be +fluttering the dovecotes of--what's the particular dunghill you're going +to? Also, Mrs. Gadsby will be fat. + +CAPT. G. (Limply.) This is rather more than a joke. + +CAPT. M. D'you think so? Isn't cutting the Service a joke? It generally +takes a man fifty years to arrive at it. You're quite right, though. It +is more than a joke. You've managed it in thirty-three. + +CAPT. G. Don't make me feel worse than I do. Will it satisfy you if I +own that I am a shirker, a skrim-shanker, and a coward? + +CAPT. M. It wil! not, because I'm the only man in the world who can talk +to you like this without being knocked down. You mustn't take all that +I've said to heart in this way. I only spoke--a lot of it at least--out +of pure selfishness, because, because--Oh, damn it all, old man,--I don't +know what I shall do without you. Of course, you've got the money and +the place and all that--and there are two very good reasons why you +should take care of yourself. + +CAPT. G. 'Doesn't make it any sweeter. I'm backing out--I know I am. I +always had a soft drop in me somewhere--and I daren't risk any danger to +them. + +CAPT. M. Why in the world should you? You're bound to think of your +family-bound to think. Er--hmm. If I wasn't a younger son I'd go too--be +shot if I wouldn't! + +CAPT. G. Thank you, Jack. It's a kind lie, but it's the blackest you've +told for some time. I know what I'm doing, and I'm going into it with my +eyes open. Old man, I can't help it. What would you do if you were in my +place? + +CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'Couldn't conceive any woman getting permanently +between me and the Regiment. (Aloud.) 'Can't say. 'Very likely I should +do no better. I'm sorry for you--awf'ly sorry--but “if them's your +sentiments,” I believe, I really do, that you are acting wisely. + +CAPT. G. Do you? I hope you do. (In a whisper.) Jack, be very sure of +yourself before you marry. I'm an ungrateful ruffian to say this, but +marriage--even as good a marriage as mine has been--hampers a man's +work, it cripples his sword-arm, and oh, it plays Hell with his notions +of duty. Sometimes--good and sweet as she is--sometimes I could wish +that I had kept my freedom--No, I don't mean that exactly. + +MRS. G. (Coming down veranda.) What are you wagging your head over, Pip? + +CAPT. M. (Turning quickly.) Me, as usual. The old sermon. Your husband +is recommending me to get married. 'Never saw such a one-ideaed man. + +MRS. G. Well, why don't you? I dare say you would make some woman very +happy. + +CAPT. G. There's the Law and the Prophets, Jack. Never mind the +Regiment. Make a woman happy. (Aside.) O Lord! + +CAPT. M. We'll see. I must be off to make a Troop Cook desperately +unhappy. I won't have the wily Hussar fed on Government Bullock Train +shinbones--(Hastily.) Surely black ants can't be good for The Brigadier. +He's picking em off the matting and eating 'em. Here, Senor Comandante +Don Grubbynuse, come and talk to me. (Lifts G. JUNIOR in his arms.) +'Want my watch? You won't be able to put it into your mouth, but you can +try. (G. JUNIOR drops watch, breaking dial and hands.) + +MRS. G. Oh, Captain Mafflin, I am so sorry! Jack, you bad, bad little +villain. Ahhh! + +CAPT. M. It's not the least consequence, I assure you. He'd treat the +world in the same way if he could get it into his hands. Everything's +made to be played, with and broken, isn't it, young 'un? + +* * * * * + +MRS. G. Mafflin didn't at all like his watch being broken, though he +was too polite to say so. It was entirely his fault for giving it to +the child. Dem little puds are werry, werry feeble, aren't dey, by +Jack-in-de-box? (To G.) What did he want to see you for? + +CAPT. G. Regimental shop as usual. + +MRS. G. The Regiment! Always the Regiment. On my word, I sometimes feel +jealous of Mafflin. + +CAPT. G. (Wearily.) Poor old Jack? I don't think you need. Isn't it time +for The Butcha to have his nap? Bring a chair out here, dear. I've got +some thing to talk over with you. + +AND THIS IS THE END OF THE STORY OF THE GADSBYS + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Story of the Gadsby, by Rudyard Kipling + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF THE GADSBY *** + +***** This file should be named 2821-0.txt or 2821-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/2/2821/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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