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+Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate
+
+Author: Charles Turley
+
+Release Date: April 20, 2009 [EBook #28567]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GODFREY MARTEN, UNDERGRADUATE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Al Haines
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GODFREY MARTEN
+
+UNDERGRADUATE
+
+
+BY
+
+CHARLES TURLEY
+
+
+
+AUTHOR OF 'GODFREY MARTEN, SCHOOLBOY'
+
+
+
+LONDON
+
+WILLIAM HEINEMANN
+
+1904
+
+
+
+
+_All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAP.
+
+     I.  OXFORD
+    II.  INTERVIEWS
+   III.  THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH
+    IV.  UNEXPECTED PEOPLE
+     V.  THE WINE
+    VI.  JACK WARD AND DENNISON
+   VII.  THE INN AT SAMPFORD
+  VIII.  LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN
+    IX.  A SURPRISE
+     X.  MY MAIDEN SPEECH
+    XI.  A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON
+   XII.  THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY
+  XIII.  NINA COMES TO OXFORD
+   XIV.  GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE
+    XV.  MISHAPS
+   XVI.  THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON
+  XVII.  THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON
+ XVIII.  THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD
+   XIX.  THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER
+    XX.  THE HEDONISTS
+   XXI.  ONE WORD TOO MANY
+  XXII.  A TUTORSHIP
+ XXIII.  OUR LAST YEAR
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+OXFORD
+
+The night before I left home for Oxford I had a talk with my father.
+He was not of the sentimental kind, but I knew that he had a rare
+fondness for my brother, my sister Nina and myself, and I have never
+had a moment when I did not return his affection.  He had always been
+bothered by my lack of seriousness, and he doubted whether I should
+really get the best out of 'Varsity life.  After telling me that the
+time had come for me to treat things more seriously, he finished up by
+saying: "I am going to give you two hundred pounds a year, which is
+more than I can afford, and which, with your exhibition, must be enough
+for you.  I have put that amount to your credit in the bank at Oxford,
+and I don't expect to hear anything about money from you either during
+the term or when you are at home.  You ought to know by this time what
+money is worth, and that debt is a thing you must avoid.  Be a man,
+Godfrey, and don't forget that the first step towards becoming one is
+to behave like a gentleman."
+
+I shook his hand to show that I understood, for he wanted neither
+promises nor protestations, and if I had been able to be sentimental he
+would have left the room without listening to me.
+
+He didn't say much, but what he did say was beautifully simple, and on
+leaving him I felt very solemn and, since I must tell the truth, very
+important.  The idea of having a bank account was one which did not
+lose its glamour for several days.  There was something about my first
+cheque-book which pleased me immensely, for I had not been brought up
+in a nest of millionaires, and am glad to confess that until I went to
+Oxford the possibilities attached to a five-pound note were almost
+without limit.
+
+Fred Foster--who had been staying with me--and I parted at Oxford
+railway-station without falling on each other's necks, but although we
+did not cause any further obstruction on a platform already far too
+crowded, we understood that the friendship which had prospered during
+so many years at school was not going to be interrupted because he had
+got a scholarship at Oriel while I was an exhibitioner of St.
+Cuthbert's.
+
+I began by losing my luggage, which was exactly the way some people
+would have expected me to begin, and when I arrived at the college
+lodge I must have looked as if I had come to spend a Saturday to Monday
+visit.  One miserable bag was all I possessed, and the porter viewed
+me, as I thought, with suspicion.  He was a grumpy old person, and when
+I told him that I had lost my luggage he grunted, "Gentlemen do,
+especially when they're fresh," which I thought very fair cheek on his
+part, though I did not feel at that moment like telling him so.
+
+Then having said that my name was Marten, he hunted in a list and told
+a man to take my bag to Number VII. staircase in the back quadrangle.
+I followed, feeling rather dejected, and I cannot say that the first
+sight of my rooms tended to raise my spirits.  They were small and
+dismal, the window opened on to a balustrade which, if it prevented me
+from falling into the quadrangle, also managed to shut out both light
+and air.  The furniture can be described correctly by the word
+adequate; there were some chairs and a table, college furniture for
+which I was privileged to pay rent.  The chairs looked as if nothing
+could ever wear them out or make them look different.  They had been
+built to defy time and ill-usage.
+
+I went into my bedroom and was more satisfied, by some strange freak it
+was bigger than my sitting-room, and after I had seen other freshers'
+bedrooms I acknowledged my good luck.  There was at least room to have
+a bath without splashing the bed.  I was still looking disconsolately
+about me when my scout came in and treated me with a calm contempt
+which immediately raised my spirits.  His air was so obviously that of
+the man who knew all about things, and he told me what to do with a
+gravity which was intended to be most impressive.  His name was
+Clarkson and I stayed on his staircase during the three years I was in
+college, though at the end of my first year I moved into larger rooms.
+He was in a mild kind of way an endless source of amusement to me,
+because every one knew that under his veil of imperturbability was
+hidden, not very successfully, a flourishing crop of failings.
+Whenever his chief failing overpowered him his gravity increased, until
+he became one of the most indescribably comic people I have ever seen.
+
+He told me that chapel was at eight o'clock on the following morning,
+and asked me if I should be breakfasting in.  I found out afterwards
+that unless I wanted to go to chapel I could go to a roll-call in any
+garments which looked respectable, and then go back to bed; but I did
+not hear this from Clarkson.  He was far too keen on getting men out of
+bed and their rooms put straight to give such very unnecessary
+information.  However, he was useful at the beginning, and had he not
+told me where to go for dinner I don't suppose I should have troubled
+to ask him.
+
+My first dinner in hall was not a pleasant experience.  The senior men
+came up a day after us, and most freshers, until they settle down, seem
+to spend their time in waiting for somebody else to say something.
+That dinner really made me feel most gloomy; things seemed to have been
+turned upside down, and in the process I felt as if I had fallen with a
+thud to the bottom.  There were two or three freshers from Cliborough
+to whom I had scarcely spoken during my last two years at school, and
+these fellows all sat together and enjoyed themselves, while I counted
+for nothing whatever.
+
+I began to learn the lesson that being in the Cliborough XI. and XV.
+was not a free passport to glory.  The man opposite to me looked as if
+he had never heard of W. G. Grace, and when I tried to speak to the
+fellow on my right about the Australians, he thought that I was talking
+about any ordinary Australian, and had no notion that I meant the
+cricket team which had been over in the summer.  He was quite nice
+about it, I must admit, and when he found out what I was driving at,
+said: "I am afraid I don't know much about cricket; I have been over in
+Germany the last two or three months, trying to get hold of the
+language.  I want to read Schiller and those other people in the
+original."
+
+He did not suit me at all, and as I had not the courage to give myself
+away by asking the names of the other people our conversation dropped.
+I was, in fact, dead off colour, and the sight of those three
+Cliborough fellows almost took away my appetite.  Until that moment it
+had never occurred to me that I had been in the habit of thinking a lot
+of myself at Cliborough, and in self-defence I must add that I do not
+see how a public school can prosper unless some of the fellows stick
+together and try to make things go on properly.  Any "side" I may have
+had was certainly unconscious, but I haven't an idea whether that is
+the worst or the best kind.  I know that I should have felt like having
+a fit if any one had told me that I was conceited, and apart from that
+I don't know anything about it, except, as I have said, that I was
+angry that these fellows did not seem to remember that I had been at
+Cliborough.  I told myself that they had lost their sense of
+proportion, which was a phrase my father used about any one who argued
+with him; and I also said vehemently that they were worms; but unless
+you are quite sure of it, and can get some one to agree with you, there
+is not much satisfaction to be got from calling people worms.
+
+I went out of the hall and found a tall, dark fellow bowling pebbles
+aimlessly about the quadrangle.  I bowled a pebble, and hitting him on
+the back, had to apologize.  It is rather odd, now I come to think
+about it, that the first words I ever said to Jack Ward were in the
+nature of an apology.  We strolled out of the quadrangle into the
+lodge, and after he had looked at me he asked me to come up to his
+rooms and have some coffee.  I was not at all sure that I wanted to go,
+but I went.  He shouted to his scout at the top of a very powerful
+voice, and I felt that he was much more at home than I was.  I
+determined, moreover, to shout at my scout upon the earliest possible
+opportunity.
+
+"I had a brother up here," he said as soon as we were sitting by the
+fire, "and he gave me some tips.  One of them was to shout at your
+scout for at least a week to show that you are not an infant, another
+was not to row, and the last was not to play cards all day and night.
+My brother's an odd kind of chap, the sort of man who doesn't know the
+ace of spades by sight, but it's as easy to shout as it is not to row.
+Your name's Marten, isn't it?"
+
+"Yes," I replied; "how did you know that?"
+
+"I scored when you came over last term to play for Cliborough against
+Wellingham.  I was twelfth man to the XI., though you needn't believe
+it if you don't want to.  It's wonderful what a crop of twelfth men
+there are kicking around; you may just as well say you are a liar smack
+out, as tell any one you are a twelfth man."
+
+I told him that I believed him.
+
+"That's only your politeness," he went on; "in a week you will be
+talking about me as 'that man Ward who says he was twelfth man at
+Wellingham.'"
+
+I sat in his rooms and listened to him talking until eleven o'clock;
+for almost the first time in my life I had nothing to say, and that
+must have been the reason why I felt amused and uncomfortable at the
+same time.  He seemed to know all sorts of people, and he spoke of them
+by their Christian names, which impressed me, and he referred to London
+as a place well enough to stay in for a time, but a terrible bore when
+one got accustomed to it.  Now I had only been to London three times,
+and one of those could hardly be said to count since it was to see a
+dentist.  As I went back to my rooms, I thought that my education had
+been neglected in many ways, and that Ward had been having a much
+better time than I had.  But I soon changed my mind and decided that he
+was the kind of fellow whom I should have thought a slacker at
+Cliborough, and I cannot put up with a man, who when he is doing one
+thing always wants to be doing another.
+
+When I got back to my rooms I found a letter from my uncle.  He was a
+bishop, and there had been trouble between us when I was a small boy at
+Cliborough; he had made jokes about me which I did not bear in silence.
+But he had spent a month of the summer holidays with us, and had told
+my mother that I had greatly improved; I thought the same thing about
+him, so we got on together very well.  I may as well say at once that I
+had laid siege to the bishop.  Instead of waiting for him to go for me
+I went for him, and my mother said that I had discovered the boy in the
+bishop.  If he was idle I employed him, and on his last day with us I
+finished off by making one hundred and thirty-six against him at stump
+cricket.  When he went away I had changed my opinion of him, but my
+father was annoyed that he could behave like a boy when it was time for
+me to forget that I was one.  "You are as silly as the bishop," became
+one of my father's favourite remarks, until my mother asked him to
+think of something which was not quite so rude.
+
+The bishop had really been splendid while he was staying with us,
+because Nina, having arrived at the age of eighteen, was very difficult
+to please.  Some man in my brother's regiment had been down and said
+that her pug was an angel, and I being unable to reach such heights as
+that was compared to my disadvantage with this man.  I am nearly sure,
+too, that she wanted to flirt with Fred, quite regardless of the fact
+that he was no use at flirting, and I should have had something to say
+if he had been.  In a short year she had changed most dreadfully, and
+was no longer satisfied with being liked very much.  She was a puzzle
+to me, and had it not been for the bishop, who smoothed things over, I
+should probably have worried her far more than I did.
+
+His letter did not contain one word of cant; he just wished me good
+luck, and told me to write to him whenever I felt that he could be of
+use to me.  A less sensible man might have preached to me and talked
+about the "threshold of a career"; but, thank goodness, he knew what I
+wanted, and that if I had not made up my mind to let Oxford do
+something for me, I was hopeless from the start.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+INTERVIEWS
+
+I soon found out that Jack Ward was of a most friendly disposition, for
+he came over to my rooms before ten o'clock the following morning and
+bounced in with an air of having known me all my life.  At the moment I
+was talking to a man called Murray, whose acquaintance I had made an
+hour before.  My introduction to Murray could hardly be called formal;
+he lived in the next rooms to me and at precisely the same time each of
+us had poked our heads into the passage and shouted for our scout.  We
+then looked at each other and laughed, and the deed was done.  I wish
+that I could have made all my friends at Oxford as easily; it would
+have saved so much time.
+
+Murray was going as Ward came in, and they nodded and said
+"Good-morning" in the way men do when they don't altogether love one
+another.
+
+"You seem to know everybody," I said, without much reason, as soon as
+Murray had disappeared.
+
+"I can't well help knowing that fellow, considering that he was at
+Wellingham with me for five years."
+
+"He didn't tell me he was at Wellingham."
+
+"He would have in another minute, and that he was captain of the school
+and the footer fifteen, and what he was fed on as a baby and how many
+muscles he had got in his big toe," Ward jerked out as he pulled
+furiously at his pipe, which he had already tried to light two or three
+times.
+
+"I thought he seemed a nice sort of man," I said.
+
+"I expect you think everybody you see nice sort of men," he replied
+rather queerly, though he laughed as he spoke.
+
+"I hope so; it is a jolly comfortable state to be in," I answered.
+
+"But a very dangerous one.  You must get awfully left."
+
+I picked up _Wisden's Cricket Almanack_, which had been one of the
+things in my bag, and began to read it, for I had taken a fancy to
+Murray and did not see much use in listening to what I felt Ward wanted
+to say about him.
+
+"You will probably be friends with Murray for about a month, and then
+it will end with a snap," he said.
+
+"I can promise you that if I am friends with him for a month it won't
+end with a snap, even if his toes simply bulge with muscles," I replied.
+
+"If anybody warned you against a man you would take no notice."
+
+"It depends who warned me, and whom I was warned against.  And since it
+is no use pretending things," I added, "I don't see much wrong in a
+fellow because he happens to remember something about baby's food."
+
+"He might be a bore."
+
+"So may anybody," I answered, for Ward's persistence was beginning to
+annoy me.  He got up from his chair with a great laugh, and put his
+hands on my shoulders.
+
+"We mustn't begin by having a row with each other," he said.
+
+I stood up so that I could get rid of his hands, and felt inclined to
+say that I did not want to begin at all, but I stopped myself.  There
+was something in the man that attracted me.  I may be peculiar, but I
+like people who shake the furniture when they laugh, having suffered
+much from a master at Cliborough who never let himself go farther than
+a giggle.
+
+"I suppose we must go and see these blessed dons.  They want to see us
+at half-past ten, don't they?" he said.
+
+I looked at my watch and found that it was nearly eleven o'clock, so we
+bolted down-stairs and across the quadrangle as hard as we could.  It
+was a very bad start but I had completely forgotten that we had to go
+to the hall at half-past ten, and Ward gave me no comfort by saying
+that he did not suppose it mattered when we went as long as we turned
+up some time.  Dons would have to be very different from masters if
+that was the case, and as I imagined that they would be of much the
+same breed only glorified, I had no wish to begin by making them angry.
+
+There were thirty or forty freshers in the hall when we got there, and
+a few dons sitting at the high table at the end of it.  Murray and two
+or three other men were up talking to them when I arrived, and I
+guessed that they were taking the scholars and exhibitioners
+alphabetically, and that I was too late for my turn; though Ward, who
+was a commoner and fortunate enough to begin with a W, was probably in
+heaps of time.
+
+When Murray came down he told me that they had called out my name
+several times, which made me, quite unreasonably, feel angry with Ward,
+but presently they shouted for me again and I went up.
+
+Though I felt rather agitated as I walked up the hall and saw these
+gowned people waiting for me, the idea flitted across my mind that they
+looked most extremely like a row of rooks sitting on a long stick.  My
+prevailing impression as I approached them was one of beak, they seemed
+to me like a lot of benevolent and expectant birds.  As a matter of
+fact this impression was false, and I got it because I was looking at
+the Warden--as the Head of St. Cuthbert's was called--and not at the
+group of dons on each side of him.
+
+The Warden was a little man whose head had apparently sunk down into
+his neck and got a tilt forward in the process.  His eyes were grey and
+shrewd, the sort of eyes which one watches to see the signs of the
+times; his nose, being that of the Warden, I will only call prominent,
+and he had a habit of passing his hand over his mouth and chin, which
+was merely a habit, but suggested to me at first sight that he was
+pleased with his morning shave.  He was nearly sixty years old, and
+when he wanted to be nice his efforts were not intelligible to
+everybody, but there was no mistaking him when he really wished to be
+nasty.  However, he was one of those men who are spoken of at Oxford as
+having European reputations, and possibly the burden of an European
+reputation gives the owner of it a right to behave differently from
+ordinary people who have no reputation at all, or if they have one
+would prefer that it should be forgotten.
+
+The Warden held out a hand to me and almost winced at my manner of
+grasping it.  My father always said that he knew a man by his
+hand-shake, but I ought to have been wise enough to spare the Warden.
+
+"I was in doubt whether or no we were to have the privilege of seeing
+you this morning.  Perhaps the fatigues of a long journey by rail
+caused you to remain in your bedroom for a longer time than is usual,
+or indeed beneficial."
+
+I was on the point of saying that I had been up at eight o'clock, when
+it occurred to me that an apology would be shorter than an explanation,
+so I mumbled that I was very sorry for being late.  My chief desire was
+to get away from an atmosphere which I found overpowering.
+
+I had to listen to some more remarks from the Warden, all of which were
+spun out in his extraordinary way, and at last I was introduced to my
+tutor, Mr. Gilbert Edwardes, who took me on one side and set to work
+telling me what lectures I was to attend.  I think he meant to be
+friendly but he had a dreadfully stiff manner, and I am sure that he
+found it very difficult to unbend.  He reminded me most strongly of a
+shirt with too much starch in it, or whatever it is that makes shirts
+as stiff as boards.
+
+Later on in the day I went to see him in his rooms in college and he
+gave me a little advice and exhorted me to work.  It was all a
+cut-and-dried sort of affair which did not appeal to any feelings I
+had, but since he was my tutor I thought I had better tell him
+something about myself.
+
+He was even smaller than the Warden and quite the most prim-looking man
+I have ever beheld.  His face was colourless and smooth, and as I sat
+opposite him in his gloomy room he looked so tidy and sure of himself
+that I found a great difficulty in speaking to him.  Having said the
+usual things he was very obviously expecting me to go, but I did not
+want him to begin by thinking that I was a saint, though why I imagined
+that he was in any danger of thinking so I cannot explain.  He had,
+however, said so much about work and the great care I must take in
+avoiding men who distracted me from my duty, that I thought I had
+better tell him that I was a very human being.
+
+I never remember having twiddled my thumbs before but I caught myself
+doing it in his room.  He was so placid and demure that I could not
+imagine that he had ever done a foolish thing in his life.  It was
+impossible for me to think that he had ever been young, and I wanted
+him to know that I was both young and foolish.  He must have known the
+one and I expect he guessed the other, but at any rate my intention was
+to begin fair.  Then whatever happened he would not be able to say that
+I had not warned him.
+
+But he made me so nervous that I did not get the right words, and I
+made him look more like a poker then ever.  "Thanks, most awfully," I
+began, and it was a bad beginning, "for all your advice.  But I want to
+tell you that I do the most stupid things without meaning to do them.
+I mean that they only strike me as being stupid after I have done them."
+
+Mr. Edwardes made noises in his throat which sounded like a succession
+of "Ahems," and I floundered on: "I am afraid it is very hard for me
+not to like amusing myself as much as possible, but of course I will
+try to work and all that sort of thing as well."  He stood up when I
+got as far as that and smiled at me, but I cannot say that he seemed to
+be pleased.  "I thought I had better tell you, so that you would know,"
+I added before I left him, and I went away with the hopeless feeling
+that I had made a complete idiot of myself.  I hated Mr. Edwardes as I
+went back across the quadrangle, for I felt that I had tried to take
+him into my confidence and that he had responded by getting rid of me.
+
+When I reached my rooms my luggage had arrived and I let off steam--so
+to speak--by having a dispute with the man who had brought it.  I did
+not get the best of that dispute, but I did make an effort to practise
+the economy which my people had advised, and Clarkson saw me in a rage,
+which must have been very good for him.  For a solid hour I unpacked
+things which I had thought beautiful in my study at Cliborough and put
+them about my room, but somehow or other most of them did not seem as
+beautiful as I had thought them, and there was a picture--I had won it
+in a shilling raffle, and been very proud of it--which filled me with
+sorrow.  It had been painted by the sister of a fellow at Cliborough,
+and when he was frightfully hard-up he arranged a raffle, and everybody
+said I was jolly lucky to win it.  I was even bid fifteen shillings for
+the picture by the original owner, but as I suspected that he wanted to
+get up another raffle I refused the offer.  When I saw the thing
+hanging on my wall I wished that I had not been such a fool.  Having
+got the thing I did not like to waste it, but if some one would have
+come in and stuck a knife into it I should have been very pleased.  The
+name of this burden was "A Last Night at Sea," and the subjects
+represented were a small boat and two or three people huddled together
+at one end of it, while in the middle of the boat a woman with long
+streaming hair was stretching out her arms towards a terrific wave.  If
+I had not remembered the name it might not have been so bad, but under
+the circumstances no one could say that it was a cheerful thing to live
+with.  I suppose the satisfaction of having it in my study at
+Cliborough had been enough, for I did not recollect having looked at it
+before, and when a lot of fellows are swarming around saying what a
+lucky chap you are to have won a thing, it is not very likely to give
+you the blues then, whatever it may have in store for you afterwards.
+I turned "A Last Night at Sea" with its face to the wall and went on
+decorating my room.  Photographs of my father and mother which I put on
+my mantelpiece made me feel rather better, but Nina resplendent in a
+green plush frame made me think again.  I had been very proud of that
+frame some years before when Nina had given it to me; she had sold two
+rabbits and borrowed sixpence from Miss Read, her governess, to buy it,
+and it had never occurred to me that I could grow out of my admiration
+for green plush.  The question of what to do with it puzzled me
+tremendously; I didn't want to treat Nina badly but the frame was an
+abomination.  Fortunately there was a ring attached to the frame and I
+hung it up in a dark corner, but I promised myself that it should come
+out the following morning.
+
+I had just sat down to survey my labours when Murray came in and
+proposed we should go for a walk in the town, and as I was perfectly
+sick of my room I was quite ready to go.  Although the time was barely
+four o'clock and the sun doesn't set for another hour in the middle of
+October, it was half dark and drizzling with rain as we walked down
+Turl Street and came into The High.  But I had got rid of my gloom and
+was eager to spend money.  I did not quite know what I wanted but that
+was not of much consequence.  We went into a shop which seemed to be
+exactly the place for any one who wished to buy things, and did not
+care much what he bought.  Before I came out of it I had bought two
+chairs, a standard lamp, a small book-case, an enormous bowl--which got
+in my way for two years until somebody smashed it--a tea-set, a small
+table and half-a-dozen china shepherdesses.  I then went to other shops
+and made more purchases, while Murray looked on and smiled until I was
+waylaid by an accommodating man in the Cornmarket, who wanted to sell
+me a fox-terrier pup, and was ready to keep it for me if I had no place
+for it; and then I was told not to be a fool.  That man's opinion of
+Murray is not worth mentioning.
+
+When we got back to college it was past five o'clock, and between us we
+managed to find everything that was necessary for tea.  I had a fire in
+my room, but Murray had not one in his; he had tea-cups, but I had
+none; while I had things to eat, which our cook at home had declared
+would be useful and I had most reluctantly brought with me.  We were in
+the middle of this very substantial meal when Fred Foster came in, and
+from his glance round my room I saw that he thought it was a fairly
+dismal spot.
+
+"Rather like an up-stairs dungeon," I said.  "Have you got a better
+place than this?"
+
+"It is bigger and not so stuffy," he answered; "but it won't make you
+very jealous."
+
+"You wait until I have got all the things I have just bought, and then
+you will think this no end of a place," I remarked.
+
+"If any one can get inside," Murray put in.
+
+"It will be rather a squash," I admitted; "I've spent over twelve
+pounds already."
+
+"That's just the sort of thing you would do," Foster said.
+
+We sat and talked for an hour until Ward burst in, knocking and opening
+the door at the same moment.
+
+Murray and Foster had been getting on splendidly together, but directly
+Ward came they hardly said a word.  Possibly they did not get much
+chance, but any one could see that Foster had taken a dislike to Ward
+at sight.
+
+Murray went away very soon and left the three of us together.
+
+"I've been over to Woodstock in a dog-cart with Bunny Langham and Bob
+Fraser," Ward said.  "By Jove, that cob of Bunny's can move.  We got
+back in five-and-twenty minutes."
+
+As I didn't know how far it was to Woodstock and didn't care, I said
+nothing, so Ward went on, "Bunny's a rare good sort; you ought to meet
+him."
+
+"What college is he at?" I asked.
+
+"At the House--Christchurch, you know."  I did know, and thought the
+explanation cheek.  "I have hired a gee from Carter's to-morrow, and am
+going to drive over to Abingdon with Bunny, will you come?"
+
+"To-morrow's Sunday," I said.
+
+"Yes, there is nothing else to do.  The better the day the----"  But I
+interrupted him.
+
+"Don't talk rot, I hate those things.  Are you going in a dog-cart?" I
+asked.
+
+"Yes, it is Bunny's cart."
+
+"I am jolly well not going to sit on the back seat of a dog-cart if I
+can help it; I would rather go about in a perambulator," I said.
+
+"You are so confoundedly particular," he went on with a great guffaw of
+laughter, "but since it is Bunny's cart and I am going to drive I don't
+see how we can offer you any other seat."
+
+"Who the blazes is Bunny?" I asked, for his name was beginning to get
+on my nerves, and Fred Foster sitting as dumb as a mute was enough to
+upset any one.
+
+"I know him at home, his father is the Marquis of Tillford and his real
+name is Lord Augustus Langham, only his teeth stick out and every one
+calls him Bunny," Ward answered.
+
+"Heaps of money?" I said.
+
+"Plenty, I should think."
+
+"Then he is no use to me, though he may be the best fellow in the
+world," I declared.
+
+"You are a rum 'un, why he is just the sort of man who is some use."
+
+"That depends," Foster said suddenly.
+
+"Yes, it depends," I repeated, though I didn't know exactly what
+depended.
+
+"What depends?" Ward asked Foster.
+
+"Well, if a man hasn't got much money it is no use knowing a lot of men
+who have got no end."
+
+"It never struck me that way.  Perhaps you are right," and then turning
+to me, he added, "Come to breakfast anyhow to-morrow morning, Bunny
+won't be there then."
+
+I promised to go, and then he left us.  I walked back to Oriel with
+Foster and he had got a lot to say about Jack Ward.  "Where in the
+world did you find that man?" was his first remark after we were alone.
+
+"He found me," I said.
+
+"I should lose him as soon as possible," Fred went on.
+
+"I don't think that would be very easy," I answered, "and I don't
+believe he is a bad sort really."
+
+"I'll bet he never came back from Woodstock in five-and-twenty
+minutes," Foster said.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH
+
+If I had to describe in detail the first two or three weeks of my life
+at Oxford, I think that accusations might be brought against me of
+having eaten too much, or at any rate too often.  Fortunately I had a
+good digestion, I cannot imagine the fate of a dyspeptic freshman if he
+had to attend a series of Oxford breakfasts.  I have, however, only
+once encountered a fresher who suffered from dyspepsia, and if there
+was any other man so afflicted at St. Cuthbert's he probably did not
+admit his complaint.  For we were supposed to be very cultivated at St.
+Cuthbert's, and at that time it was not good form to hold a roll-call
+of our diseases at breakfast, to discuss surgical operations at
+luncheon, and to provide tales of sea-sickness by way of humour at
+dinner.  We kept our complaints to ourselves and were in truth more
+than a little ashamed of them.
+
+St. Cuthbert's had a reputation of its own.  Men in other colleges
+criticized us very freely.  They said that we were prigs, that the
+'Varsity boat would never be any good as long as there was a St.
+Cuthbert's man in it, and other pleasant things which did not annoy me,
+since I, having been a butt for much personal criticism all my life,
+can even get some satisfaction from finding that a crowd of other
+people are as bad as I am.  Besides, we had nearly one hundred and
+fifty men at St. Cuthbert's, and I thought it was absolutely stupid to
+say we were all prigs and that none of us could row.
+
+The truth of the matter was, as far as I could judge, that at St.
+Cuthbert's there were often a large number of clever men, and clever
+men when young can get on one's nerves most terribly.  It is all right
+for men to be clever when they are old or even middle-aged, then
+allowances are made for them and they may be as odd as they please.
+But if any one happens to be clever when he is at Oxford, he will have
+to watch himself closely or he will be called either a genius or a
+lunatic, and the one is almost as fatal as the other.
+
+In a college as large as St. Cuthbert's it was natural that there
+should be a number of different sets.  We had several men who are best
+described by the word "bloods"; two or three of them belonged to the
+Bullingdon, a few of them to Vincent's, of which Club most of "the
+blues" in the 'Varsity were members, and nearly all had plenty of money
+and every one of them lived as if they had plenty.  I cannot call them
+athletic, though they and the really athletic set were more or less
+mixed up together.  We had also a very serious set who, I thought, gave
+themselves far too many airs.  Perhaps serious is not quite the right
+word to apply to them, for one of this gang wrote a comic opera and
+another wrote a farce; but these were just thrown out in their spare
+time, and when I attended a reading of the libretto of the comic opera
+I went so fast asleep that I cannot say how comic it was.  But if it
+had been very funny I should think some one would have laughed loud
+enough to wake me up.  Generally speaking this set seemed to be bent on
+the reformation of England, a thing which has happened once and is
+rather a difficult matter for a college debating society to bring about
+again.  The reformation which they were bent upon was not, however,
+religious, for they thought little of the religion which satisfies
+ordinary people.  One of them told me that religion was merely
+emotional and sentimental, a crutch for a weak man, and went on to say
+that their scheme was moral and social, a cry for a better life and
+against the oppression of the poor.  That man bored me terribly, but
+since one of his own set had told me that he was the cleverest man in
+Oxford I did not like to tell him what I thought.  Besides I was only a
+fresher who had not yet looked around, and he was the first man I had
+met who was the cleverest man in Oxford, though I met several others
+afterwards who had arrived at the same peak of distinction.  I even got
+so weary of meeting this particular brand of man that I asked Jack Ward
+to help me along my way by spreading a report that I was a most
+promising poet, but he said that no one who had ever seen me would
+believe him.  He meant to be complimentary, I believe.
+
+It was into this medley of sets that I was plunged headlong.  Crowds of
+men called upon me and asked me to meals.  Some of them wanted to know
+me because I played cricket and football, the captain of the college
+boat called because he wanted me to row, some of the "bloods" left
+cards on me because they had seen me walking about with Jack Ward, whom
+they had marked down as one of themselves.  A few men called from other
+colleges who had known me at Cliborough, or had been asked to see
+something of me because their people knew mine.  I got to know the
+oddest lot of men imaginable, and as long as they looked clean and did
+not try to rush me into helping them to reform the world, I liked them
+all.
+
+But in spite of Ward, who pretended that Rugby football was an
+overrated amusement, I wanted to belong to the athletic set, and I
+started by playing footer in a thing which is most correctly called
+"The Freshers' Squash."  In this struggle any fresher who had never
+played rugger in his life, but thought he would like some exercise,
+could play, while footer blues dodged round and took your names, if you
+were lucky enough to touch the ball, and booked you for the proper
+game.  On the following day I played back in the real freshers' match,
+and was most tremendously encouraged before I started by hearing one
+man say to another that I had come up with a big reputation from
+Cliborough.  Perhaps I was encouraged too much, or possibly I had eaten
+too heavy a luncheon, for whatever reputation I might have had before
+the game began, was effectually dispersed before we had finished
+playing; and Foster, who was playing three-quarters on the other side,
+was the man who assisted me in this dismally easy task.  Four times he
+came right away from everybody, and once he slipped down in front of
+me, but on the other three occasions he simply swerved away from me and
+I missed him by yards.  The man who had been full back to the 'Varsity
+XV. the year before had gone down, and Foster had put into my head the
+idea that I ought to have a jolly good chance of getting my blue.  This
+match was a very rude blow, and when I put on my coat and walked out of
+the parks I felt that I had been very badly treated.  I was not at all
+sure with whom I was most angry, but I had a general feeling that
+whatever I tried to do went most hopelessly wrong, and that I was much
+better fitted to sit in a dog-cart with Jack Ward, than I was to stand
+up in a footer-field and be made a fool of by Fred Foster.
+
+As luck would have it the first man I saw when I went into the college
+was Ward, and he shouted with laughter when he saw me.
+
+"I went down to the parks to see you," he said, "but for heaven's sake
+don't look so down on your luck.  I don't see that it matters, there
+are other things worth doing besides trying to collar impossible
+people.  If you don't have to play again I shall think you are
+thundering well out of it."
+
+If anybody had said this to me at school I should have thought that he
+was mad, but during the few days I had been at Oxford I had somehow or
+other got hopelessly mixed up.  Foster wanted me to do one thing,
+Murray advised me to do another, Ward kept on asking me to slack, and a
+fellow called Dennison, whom I had met several times, seemed to think
+that Oxford was a tremendous joke and that the most amusing people in
+it were the dons.
+
+At any rate I was not in the least angry at Ward's way of taking my
+wretched exhibition, so I asked him and Dennison and two or three other
+freshers, who were standing around in the quad, to come and have tea
+with me, and that tea was the beginning of my first big row.  I had not
+finished my bath when I was sorry I had asked them, for I remembered
+that before the game had begun Foster had asked me to go round
+afterwards to see him, and I had a sort of feeling that if he had made
+an idiot of himself, and I had caused him to do so, he would have most
+certainly not been as angry as I was.  However, I had let myself in for
+this tea and had to go through with it, and I must say that it was very
+good fun.
+
+If, as some wit said, only a dull man can be brilliant at breakfast, it
+seems to me that if the converse of this is true St. Cuthbert's must
+have contained an extraordinary number of brilliant men.  The
+amusements of a breakfast given by a senior man to half-a-dozen
+freshers were principally food and silence.  It is, I think, dreadfully
+difficult to talk to a batch of freshers, and only one man, as far as
+my experience went, overcame the difficulty.  He resorted to the simple
+means of telling us what a wonderful man he was.  But when we were
+alone we chattered like a lot of starlings, every one talked and no one
+listened, so we got on well together.
+
+Ward and Dennison came up to my rooms before I was dressed, and two
+other men, Lambert and Collier, arrived soon afterwards.  It was a
+party of which Ward strongly approved.  While I was trying to make the
+kettle boil, I heard Dennison say that we were the pick of the
+freshers, a statement which no one was very likely to deny.  I felt
+badly in need of some tonic after my afternoon, and I swallowed the one
+provided by Dennison without any hesitation, not stopping to wonder how
+often he had said the same thing to other men.  As a matter-of-fact we
+were rather an odd lot to be the pick of anybody.
+
+Dennison looked younger than any boy in the sixth form at Cliborough,
+and he could, on occasions, blush most bashfully.  His blush was,
+however, the only bashful thing about him and he used it very seldom.
+Ward had told me that although Dennison looked such a kid he knew a
+tremendous lot.  I discovered this for myself later on, but I cannot
+say that his knowledge was the kind which is difficult to acquire.  He
+professed a wholesale contempt for any game at which he could get his
+mouth full of dirt, and said that he would as soon make mud-pies as
+play football.
+
+Lambert was hugely tall and walked with a stride which was as long as
+it was stately.  He went in for dressing himself beautifully, strummed
+on the banjo, and had a playful little habit of arranging his tie in
+any mirror which he saw.  His pride in himself was so monstrously open
+that no one with a grain of humour could be angry with him.  He talked
+about every game under the sun as if they were all equally easy to him,
+but I should not think that any one was ever found who believed half of
+what he said.
+
+Collier's great point was the beam which he kept on his face, he always
+looked so perfectly delighted to see you that he was a most effective
+cure for depression.  He was fat and did not mind, which persuaded me
+that he was very easy to please.  Nature had prevented him from playing
+football with any success, but for six or seven overs, on a cool day,
+he was reported to be a dangerous fast bowler.
+
+As Jack Ward thought that no ball yet made was worth worrying when he
+could ride, drive, or even be driven, and since I was feeling about as
+sick with footer as it is possible for any one who had got a love for
+the game in him to be, I confess that we were a peculiar lot to think
+much of ourselves.
+
+My room was not made to hold five people, who, with the exception of
+Dennison, were all either very broad or long, but a good honest squash
+certainly makes for friendship.  We were a fairly rowdy party, because
+Lambert had brought his banjo and as soon as he had finished tea he
+wanted to sing; in fact it may be said of him that he was always
+wanting to sing and could never find any one who wished to listen to
+him.  I had already heard him sing some sentimental rubbish about
+meeting by moonlight and another thing about stars and souls, and I
+threw a cushion at his head as soon as he began to make some noise
+which he called "tuning up."  That began a cushion fight, which
+resulted in two china shepherdesses, a small lamp, and some teacups
+being smashed, but it persuaded Lambert that he could not sing whenever
+he felt inclined.  We all sat down again, and Ward, who had been
+hanging on to the standard lamp while cushions had been flying around,
+said to me--
+
+"You did look down on your luck when I saw you in the quad.  I can't
+think why anybody should take these wretched games so seriously; it
+seems to me a perfectly rotten thing to do."
+
+"No game is worth playing in which it matters to any one else whether
+you win or lose," Dennison said before I had a chance to answer Ward;
+"the only games a self-respecting man can play are court tennis,
+racquets and golf.  Then there is no one to swear at you except
+yourself."
+
+"That's rubbish," I answered.  "Half the fun of the thing is belonging
+to a side, and a man must be mad to say that golf is a better game than
+cricket."
+
+"Dennison wasn't trying to make out that golf is better than cricket,
+but was just saying what games a man can play without being sworn at as
+if he were a coolie," Ward said.
+
+"I refuse to take amusements seriously," Dennison continued.  "I would
+sooner shout with laughter at a funeral than lose my temper playing a
+game."
+
+"The sweetest thing on earth," I said, "is to catch a fast half-volley
+to leg plumb in the middle of the bat."
+
+"It isn't in the same street with a comic opera at the Savoy after a
+good dinner," Lambert remarked.
+
+"At any rate it doesn't last so long," Dennison, who had a queer idea
+of what was funny, put in.
+
+"A punt, good cushions, June, and a novel by one of those people who
+make you feel sleepy, are hard to beat," Collier stated.
+
+"You are a Sybarite," Dennison said, "and you will be a disappointed
+one before long.  All we do here in the summer is to give our relations
+strawberries and cream and run with our college eight."
+
+"How do you know?" Collier asked, but to so searching a question he got
+no reply.
+
+"The finest sight in the world is a thoroughbred horse," Ward said.
+
+"You must have gone about with your eyes shut," Dennison declared.
+
+"Don't sit there talking rot," I said.  "If anything ever pleases you,
+tell us what it is."
+
+"My greatest pleasure is in polite conversation," he answered.
+
+"Oh, you are a sarcastic idiot," I retorted, for people who are
+afflicted by thinking themselves funny when I think they are idiotic
+always make me rude.
+
+"Dennison never says what he means," Ward explained, "it is a little
+habit of his."
+
+"Why can't you talk straight, it's much simpler, and doesn't make me
+feel so horribly uncomfortable?" I asked, turning to Dennison.
+
+"Marten is getting angry," was the only answer I received, and it was
+so near the truth that I wanted to pick him up and drop him in the
+passage.
+
+Ward, however, calmed my feelings by saying that he could not imagine
+any one troubling to be angry with Dennison.  "The one thing he prides
+himself on is getting a rise out of people, and we aren't such fools as
+he thinks us."
+
+"And he is a much bigger fool than he thinks," Collier said solemnly.
+
+"You are a nice complimentary lot," Dennison remarked, smiling amiably
+upon us.
+
+"It's your own fault," Collier continued; "you try to be clever and
+succeed in being confoundedly dull.  I was at school with him for five
+years and I know his only strong point is that the more you abuse him
+the more he likes you."
+
+"I'm fairly in love with you, Coalheaver," Dennison said.
+
+"Naturally, but you might forget that very witty name."
+
+"I'm going," Lambert declared, "for I'm dining in hall, and if I don't
+go for a walk those kromeskis and quenelles will choke me."
+
+"Half a minute," and Ward pushed Lambert back into his seat; "now we
+are all here, I think we had better arrange a freshers' wine.  There
+always is one, and nobody will get it up if we don't, so I vote we do
+the thing properly."
+
+Every one seemed to approve of the idea, but as I was no use at making
+arrangements I suggested that Ward should manage the whole business.
+
+"I can order everything, but we must have a committee to choose the
+people we shall ask and all that part of it.  We can't ask everybody,"
+Ward said.
+
+"Half of them won't come if we do.  I should think we had better ask
+the whole lot, and then we shall know what they are made of," Lambert
+advised.
+
+"We shan't have a room big enough to hold them," Collier said.
+
+After that we all began to talk, and though I had only a hazy notion of
+what we decided, I heard enough to know that Ward and Dennison meant
+having this wine in about ten days and only intended to ask the
+freshers whom they liked.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+UNEXPECTED PEOPLE
+
+The idea of working for Mr. Gilbert Edwardes never had much attraction
+for me, and for the first two or three weeks at Oxford I found it very
+difficult to satisfy him.  However, the excuse that I took a long time
+to settle down in a fresh place did not seem as reasonable to him as it
+did to me, so I had to abandon it and try to appease him.  The worst of
+him was that I never knew whether he was pleased or not; he accepted my
+most determined efforts at scholarship as a matter of course and
+reserved his eloquence for the occasions on which my work showed
+symptoms of haste.  In less than a fortnight I felt that my tutor and I
+were watching each other, an element of distrust seemed to have sprung
+up; he took it for granted that I would do as little as possible, while
+I was searching for something which could tell me that he was human as
+well as learned.
+
+I could not understand him in the least, for I had been accustomed to
+masters who talked about things of which I knew a little even if they
+were bored by doing so; but when I met Mr. Edwardes I felt that he
+belonged to the ice period, and that he would think the smallest thaw a
+waste of time.
+
+I do like a human being, I mean a man who lets you know something about
+him and does not barricade himself against you.  But a man who puts up
+the shutters in front of his virtues and faults bothers me most
+terribly, and I always seem to be bumping my head against something
+invisible whenever I see him, which is a most disconcerting performance.
+
+Mr. Edwardes was also Murray's tutor, but Murray was not afflicted, as
+I was, with the desire to know people more than they wanted to be
+known, and he told me that if I would only take Edwardes as I found him
+we should get on together splendidly.  In spite of Jack Ward, I saw
+Murray every day, and the more I knew of him the more I liked him.  He
+was in my room one evening after Ward had arranged that we were to have
+a freshers' wine, and I asked him if he was coming to it.
+
+"I can't go unless I am asked," he said, "and I shan't go now if I am
+asked."
+
+I resolved to say a few things to Ward, but I did not know what to say
+to Murray.
+
+"Ward is asking everybody he wants, isn't he?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes it was left to him and Dennison, I believe."
+
+"Then I am not likely to be invited, for he and I never could do
+anything but have rows with each other at Wellingham."
+
+"What about?" I asked, for Murray had never said much about Ward to me
+and I wanted to hear his side of the quarrel.
+
+"It isn't worth repeating," he answered.  "I was head of the school and
+Ward thought a friend of his ought to have seen.  He thinks I am a smug
+because I have to work, and I suppose I think he is a fool because he
+thinks I am a smug.  He is a queer sort, and it is hopeless for me to
+try to be friends with him, even if I wanted to be, and I don't."
+
+"He is a fairly good cricketer, isn't he?" I asked, for I had
+discovered that when Murray had once made up his mind no efforts of
+mine would change it.
+
+"Yes, he would have got into the XI. quite easily only he was so slack,
+and the master who looked after our cricket couldn't stand him.  It was
+rather a swindle that he didn't get into the team all the same."
+
+"I hate slackers," I said, and to prove it I set to work on some Homer
+for Edwardes.  Murray got his books and we slaved together for nearly
+two hours, when a most timid knock sounded on my door, and a man came
+in who seemed to be most fearfully nervous.  He was carrying a gown and
+a cap in his hand, and he looked at Murray, who was not at all an
+alarming sight, as if he had encountered a wild man from one of those
+regions where wild men are bred.  I had never had much practice at
+putting any one at their ease, for most people hit me on the back and
+call me "old fellow" far too soon; but I tried very hard to calm my
+visitor, and though it was six o'clock I asked him to have tea and
+every conceivable other thing I could think of, all of which he
+refused.  He told me his name was Owen, but apart from that I knew
+nothing, and the more he fidgeted with the tassel of his cap the more I
+wondered why he had come.
+
+Murray, however, guessed that he was in the way and hurried off as soon
+as he could.  Then Owen made two or three unsuccessful efforts to
+begin, until I felt that I must offer him something more, only I had
+nothing left to offer.  The man who said that hospitality covers a
+multitude of emotions went nearer the mark than most of those
+word-turning people do.  But at last it all came out in jerks, and I
+felt most thoroughly sorry for him; if I had been in his place I am
+certain I should never have faced such an ordeal.
+
+"I didn't like to tell you why I had come before your friend," he
+began; and he still twisted his cap round and round by the tassel.  "I
+suppose a sort of false modesty prevented me, but I might just as well
+have spoken before him."
+
+"Murray is a most awfully good sort," I said lamely, for I wanted to
+help him so much that my head felt hot and I could not think.
+
+"I expect he is," Owen went on, "but I haven't come to be friends with
+your friends.  I only wanted to see you, and the reason is that over
+twenty years ago in India your father saved my father's life."
+
+I did feel relieved when he told me that, for I had been imagining that
+he was the kind of man who is known as a freak, and had come to win me
+over to some stupid crank which he would call a noble cause.
+
+"I am most tremendously glad you have come," I said, and then I began
+talking about my father's old regiment, and Owen could not get a word
+in until I had finished.
+
+"You don't understand," he said, as soon as he got a chance; "when you
+talk about a regiment you only think of the officers, my father was one
+of the men."
+
+"I don't see what that matters as long as his life was saved."
+
+"It does matter," Owen replied; "it matters here very much, where there
+is not much liberality except in offering meals and things not wanted."
+I moved my feet and kicked the fender, the fire-irons jangled together
+and he went on: "I ought not to have said that, it is my blundering way
+to say the thing I oughtn't; what I meant was that Oxford is not very
+liberal to a man like I am, who is here by hard work, and not because
+his fathers and grandfathers were here before him.  It is impossible in
+a place of sets--social, athletic, and all the rest--for a man who has
+to work to keep himself, to be treated in the same way as you, for
+instance, are treated.  I am not what the world calls a gentleman."
+
+"Oh, confound the world," I said, "it is always mixed up in my mind
+with the flesh and the devil," and as Owen did not say anything for a
+minute I asked him what college he was at.
+
+"I am unattached, St. Catherine's if you like; we are called 'The
+Toshers,'" he answered, and there was a note of bitterness in his
+voice.  "Of course," he went on, "I am boring you to death, but I must
+say that I should never have come to see you if my father had not made
+me promise that I would.  He takes a tremendous interest in both your
+brother and you; he knows the place your brother passed into Sandhurst
+and where he was in the list when he went out, and last summer he
+watched for your name in _The Sportsman_, and when you got any wickets
+he was as pleased as Punch.  He writes to Colonel Marten still."
+
+I wished I could have said that my father had mentioned him to me, but
+if I had I am certain that Owen would have seen that I was not telling
+the truth.  "My father," I tried to explain, "never talks about
+anything he has done.  If your father had saved his life I should have
+heard of it a hundred times."
+
+"You have the knack of saying the right thing, I shall never get that
+if I live to be a hundred;" and then he stood up, and putting a hand on
+the mantel-piece looked at the photographs of my people, but he did not
+say what he thought about them.
+
+"If I did say the right thing, it was a most fearful fluke," I said,
+for I could not be silent.  "I simply hate men who walk about patting
+themselves on the back because they have had what they call success
+with a remark."
+
+He did not listen to what I was saying, but stood staring into the
+fire; at last he turned round and held out a hand to me.
+
+"I must thank you," he began; "and there is one other thing I have got
+to ask you before I say good-bye.  My father asked me to make you
+promise that you would never mention what I have told you about his
+life being saved by your father, or anything about him.  It seems to be
+a sort of compact, I don't understand it.  He doesn't want your people
+to know anything about me, but only you."
+
+I promised, of course, but I felt rather bothered.
+
+"We may meet some day in the street," he said, and he pushed his hand
+into mine; but I let it go, and told him to sit down again.  For this
+last speech of his was annoying, he had evidently got a wrong idea of
+me.
+
+"It is no use talking rot," I said.  "To begin with, what on earth have
+you got to thank me for?"
+
+"If Colonel Marten hadn't saved my father's life, I should never have
+been born," he said.
+
+"And you have come to thank me for that?" I said, and I did not mean to
+be rude.
+
+"I was told to, you see," he answered.
+
+I looked at him and we both laughed, though I went on laughing long
+after he had stopped.  The idea of me being thanked for anybody's
+existence was beautifully comic.
+
+"It is very good of you to have come," I said, as soon as I could; "but
+I don't deserve any thanks and you know that I don't."
+
+"You haven't got much to do with it, perhaps, but you were here and I
+should never have been forgiven if I hadn't come to see you.  I shan't
+come again."
+
+"Oh, bosh," I replied.  "What's the good of talking stuff like that?
+Of course you will come again, and I am coming to see you, if I may.
+How long have you been up here?"
+
+"This is the beginning of my third year."
+
+"What did you get in Mods?" I asked, for I felt sure that he had done
+well.
+
+"A First," he answered.
+
+"I wish I had.  Where do you live?"
+
+"I shan't tell you."
+
+"You may just as well, for I shall easily find out."
+
+He stood up again, and talked as he strode up and down my room.
+
+"I have been here two years," he began, "and I know that it is
+impossible for us to be friends; and when you have thought it over you
+will think as I do.  My father teaches fencing and boxing in London; I
+was educated at a school you never heard of; I am helped here by an old
+gentleman who discovered that I was more or less intelligent.  He has a
+mania for experiments, and I am his latest hobby.  Have I said enough
+to put you off, or must I go on?"
+
+"I suppose I can please myself when I choose my friends," I said.
+
+"That you most certainly can't do here," he answered.  "Let me alone
+and I won't bother you any more.  Good-night, your bell is going for
+dinner."
+
+He walked straight out of my room, and before he had closed the door
+Jack Ward rushed in.
+
+"Who is that man?" he asked at once.
+
+"I am not going to tell you," I answered, for I wanted time to think.
+
+"Well he is a funny-looking Johnny anyway, looks as pale as a codfish
+and as solemn as a boiled owl.  You do collect an odd set of friends;
+there's that man Foster, who seems to be deaf and dumb, and Murray, who
+gives me the blues whenever I see him, and then this apparition."
+
+"You can just shut up jawing," I answered, as I hunted round for my
+gown; "when I want you to criticize my friends I will tell you.
+Foster's worth about ten billion of you any day."
+
+I was very angry, but Ward only laughed and told me to hurry up unless
+I wanted the soup to be cold.
+
+"We are going to have a little roulette in my rooms to-night," he said,
+as we walked across the quad.  "Will you come?"
+
+"No, I won't," I answered, and I let him go into the hall first, and as
+soon as he had chosen his seat I got as far from him as I could.  I saw
+him talking to Collier, and they seemed to be amused, which did not
+lessen my annoyance.  If the freshers' wine had been held on that
+evening, I am very nearly sure that I should not have gone to it.
+
+After dinner I waylaid Murray, and dragged him off to see Foster at
+Oriel.  Two days before Foster had been playing rugger for the 'Varsity
+against the London Scottish, and I had neither seen the game, because I
+had to play in a college match on the same afternoon, nor had I seen
+him since.  I wanted to hear whether he was satisfied with himself, but
+I wanted also to tell him about Owen.
+
+We found him in the college lodge talking to a whole lot of men, but as
+soon as he saw us he grabbed one man and took us to his rooms.  I did
+not want this fourth fellow, but since he was there I must say that
+Foster could not have got any one nicer.  His name was Henderson, and
+he had been so successful as captain of his school cricket XI. that he
+had played three times for Somersetshire during August.  His legs and
+arms were extraordinarily long and his face was covered with freckles;
+one freckle had placed itself on the tip of his nose and I did not get
+accustomed to it for a long time--it was the sort of thing which one
+kept on looking at to see if it was still there.  He would not talk
+about his cricket, except to say that he should not have played for
+Somersetshire if half the regular team had not been laid up, and he
+kept on clamouring to play whist, so that at last we gave way to him.
+
+I had a good opinion of my whist, though how I arrived at it I cannot
+explain.  Henderson was my partner and he seemed to me to do the most
+odd things.  For instance when I led a spade and he took the trick,
+instead of leading another spade he would begin some fresh suit, which
+made me wonder what in the world he was doing.  And he did not seem to
+think his trumps half as valuable as I thought mine, but just led them
+whenever he felt inclined.  When Nina, Foster and I played whist it was
+considered pretty bad form to lead trumps when we had anything else to
+lead, and we kept them for a big outburst at the finish.  I pitied
+myself considerably for having Henderson as a partner, and I was very
+surprised to see Murray doing the same odd sort of things.  So at the
+end of one rubber Foster and I played together, but I cannot say that
+we had much luck, and just at the end I made a revoke which Murray was
+brute enough to notice.  When Henderson had gone I said that he seemed
+to be a rare good sort, but it was a pity he did not know a little more
+about whist.  I hoped Murray would take that remark partly to himself,
+because at the end of every hand he had talked to Henderson about what
+might have happened if he had led a different card, and sometimes he
+even went on jawing when he had got his fresh hand, which quite put me
+off my game.  But all Murray did was to laugh, while Foster said to me
+that he was afraid our way of playing whist was all wrong, and I had
+some difficulty in persuading him that it was not.  Then Murray said
+something about reading Cavendish carefully, but I had heard some one
+say that Cavendish was out of date, so I borrowed this man's opinion
+and expressed it as my own, which amused Murray so much that if I had
+not been sorry for him I believe I should have lost my temper.
+
+At last, however, we stopped discussing whist, and after I had made
+Foster and Murray swear they would tell no one else, I gave them an
+account of Owen coming to see me.  Before I began Foster declared that
+the reason I bound them to keep my secret was because I wanted to tell
+it to every one myself.  In fact he expected the whole thing to be some
+miserable little affair, for I had a habit, which I have since
+abandoned, of extracting the most terrific promises of secrecy from my
+friends and then telling them something which they did not think as
+important as I did.  I started that game because I had once told
+something really funny to a lot of fellows at Cliborough, and they went
+and spread it about so quickly that I could never find any one else who
+did not know it, which was simply nothing less than a fraud.
+
+But as soon as I had got fairly into my tale I saw that both Foster and
+Murray were interested, and at the end of it I asked them what I was to
+do.
+
+"Do you think he meant that he wouldn't have anything more to do with
+you, or that he just wanted to show you that he would leave you to
+decide what was to happen next?" Murray asked.
+
+"I don't know what he meant," I answered.  "He seemed to be in a rage
+with the whole of Oxford, only it was not a noisy sort of rage but a
+kind of smouldering business, and perhaps I only imagined the whole
+thing."
+
+"What was he like to look at?" Foster inquired.
+
+"Pale and dark, and he looked unwell without looking unwholesome," I
+replied.
+
+"I saw him," Murray said, "and I thought he would have been rather nice
+if he hadn't been so nervous.  He has got great big eyes and about half
+an acre of forehead."
+
+"He wore a flannel shirt and a turned-down collar, and looked clean," I
+told Foster, for I thought he had better know everything.
+
+"Ask him to lunch and Murray and me to meet him," Foster suggested.
+
+"I can't ask a senior man to lunch, it would show that I thought it
+didn't make any difference in his case, and I think he would be on the
+look-out for things like that.  Besides, he wouldn't come."
+
+"I should leave him alone," Murray said.
+
+"I shan't do that, it would make me feel a brute," I replied.
+
+"Find out where he lives and I will come with you and see him.  I know
+your father, so it will be all right," Foster proposed.
+
+"He has called on me, so he can't mind me going to see him, and I
+should like to take you with me.  I'll let you know as soon as I have
+found out where his rooms are;" and then, as it was getting late,
+Foster came down with us to the lodge, and I was half out of the door
+before I remembered to ask him about his footer.
+
+"I am playing against Cooper's Hill on Wednesday," he said; "but I
+shall be kicked out if I don't play any better than I did on Saturday."
+
+As we walked up King Edward Street Murray did nothing but talk about
+Foster, and since I was always delighted whenever I could get any one
+on that subject I did not look half carefully enough where I was going.
+Murray was in cap and gown, but I was not wearing what is sometimes
+magnificently called "academical attire," but had on a cloth cap.  It
+had never occurred to me that we were likely to meet the "proggins,"
+but as I turned into The High we ran full tilt into him, and before I
+had time to think of running, a "bulldog" had told me that the proctor
+would like to speak to me.  There was no way out of it, so I turned to
+gratify this unforeseen gentleman and found that he was my tutor, Mr.
+Edwardes.  He did not trouble to go through the usual formula of asking
+me whether I belonged to the University and all the rest of it, but
+told me to call upon him the next morning.  He spoke so quickly that I
+could not hear what time he told me to come, but I supposed any time
+would do.
+
+"Did you know that Edwardes was a proctor?" I asked Murray, as soon as
+we could go on.
+
+"Some one told me he was; he is a junior proctor, I think."
+
+"And a vile nuisance," I added.  "He will be more down on me than ever
+now."
+
+"There is no harm in walking about without cap and gown," Murray said.
+
+"I'll bet Edwardes thinks there is," I answered, and as I was feeling
+furious at being caught so simply, I gave a tremendous hammer upon the
+door of St. Cuthbert's, and when I wished the porter good-night he
+glared at me and did not answer.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+THE WINE
+
+The faculty of making people angry without meaning to do so is a most
+fatal possession.  When I remember the men I know who seem to be
+constitutionally unpleasant and who walk about saying sarcastic things,
+I do think I am unlucky.  For I annoy people quite unintentionally, and
+it must be the most stupid way of bringing about a bad result.  I get
+no fun for my money, so to speak.  Honestly I did not hear at what time
+Mr. Edwardes told me to call upon him, and when I strolled over to his
+rooms about eleven o'clock on the following morning, I had no idea that
+he was likely to be more than usually displeased.  But it did not take
+me a moment to discover that he was very angry indeed.  From what he
+told me it seemed that I ought to have appeared at nine o'clock with
+many other men as unfortunate as I was, and he evidently considered
+that I had not come at the proper hour because I had thought that one
+time would do as well as another.  I told him that I did not hear him
+mention any particular time, but I do not think he believed me, and
+after I had paid him five shillings for being without my cap and gown
+he did not even thank me, but looked first at his watch and then at a
+long list which he had on his table.
+
+"It is now a quarter-past eleven, and I believe Mr. Armitage's lecture
+at Merton begins at eleven o'clock.  May I ask why you have decided not
+to attend his lecture this morning?" and he screwed his mouth up until
+it seemed to disappear.
+
+His question was difficult to answer, because I could not tell him that
+Murray and I had decided that Mr. Armitage lectured very badly, and
+that I had expressed my intention of cutting his lectures whenever I
+felt inclined.  So I said that I had forgotten Mr. Armitage's lecture,
+which happened to be the truth.
+
+"I am afraid, Mr. Marten, that you take a very light view of your
+responsibilities," he said.  "It is unusual, I imagine, for an
+exhibitioner of a college to interview the proctor as soon as you have
+done; the college authorities naturally expect their scholars and
+exhibitioners to obey the rules of the University, and they also expect
+them to apply themselves earnestly to their studies.  At the present
+moment I am unable to consider that you have realized either of these
+expectations."
+
+"Well, sir, they are early days yet," I said with a smile, for I
+thought it was best to take a cheery view of the situation.
+
+"This is no jest," he replied, and his teeth snapped together very
+disagreeably.
+
+"I did not mistake it for one," I said, and I wanted to be amicable;
+"but being without cap and gown last night is not a very awful offence,
+is it?  The proctors would have a very dull time if they did not catch
+men sometimes."
+
+I cannot imagine why I made that last remark, except that he had fixed
+his little eyes upon me when I began and it seemed to be dragged out of
+me.
+
+"I do not think that you need trouble yourself about the duties of the
+proctors, Mr. Marten.  Good-morning, and please remember what I have
+said to you."
+
+I left his room smiling, and I am sure he thought I was laughing at
+him; but what really amused me was being called "Mr. Marten," for I had
+not grown accustomed to my prefix and the sound of it was most comical
+to me.  I am afraid my taste for jokes was very different from that of
+my tutor.
+
+When I came away from Mr. Edwardes I stood in the front quadrangle and
+whistled.  My whistle is unmusical and penetrative, useful only when a
+dog has been lost, and some man, whom I did not know, put his head out
+of his window and said abruptly, "For heaven's sake shut up that vile
+noise;" another man chucked a penny into the quad and told me he should
+send something heavier if I did not stop.  The front quad was obviously
+no place for me, but before I had made up my mind where I would go the
+Warden came out of his house and saw me before I saw him.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Marten," he said before I could escape; "it is so
+unusual to find a beautiful quadrangle totally uninhabited that you
+seem to be undecided whether to leave it or not.  Your whistle as I
+stood by the open window of my bedroom suggested to me that you are not
+employing your time most advantageously either to yourself or to
+others."
+
+He stood by me for a moment, and then moving on with his peculiar
+shuffle disappeared through the doorway leading into the college
+gardens.  My nerves were becoming upset from these constant encounters,
+and as I felt that I could not sit down and work until I had some kind
+of an antidote, I went up to see Jack Ward, who had rooms in the front
+quadrangle.
+
+I found him, as I thought, most beautifully unemployed, but as soon as
+he had asked me whether my temper was better in the morning than at
+night, of which remark I took no notice, he said that he was being
+worried to death.
+
+There were two telegrams lying on his table, and I thought something
+awful had happened to his people, so I tried to look sympathetic and
+replied that if he would rather be left alone I would go at once.  Then
+he broke forth into the language of towing-paths and barges and asked
+me whether I was a lunatic, which was a fairly nasty question when I
+thought I was treating his trouble in a becoming spirit.  I was not,
+however, sure what was the matter with him, so I did not say what I
+might have said but asked him to tell me why he was bothered.
+
+"You see it is like this," he answered, picking up both the telegrams;
+"one of our groom fellows at home has a brother who knows everything
+about Blackmore's stable, and he has just wired to me that Dainty Dick
+will win the Flying Welter at Hurst Park to-day, and I was off to back
+it when I get a wire from my tipster, Tom Webb, that The Philosopher
+can't lose the same race.  It is Tom's 'double nap' and I am in a hole
+what to do."
+
+As I had never heard before of Dainty Dick, The Philosopher, Tom Webb
+or Blackmore, I did not feel in a position to give advice, but I
+laughed until I felt quite unwell, and Ward walked about the room
+asking violently why I was amused.
+
+"I thought some of your people were ill when I came in here," I said
+after some minutes, "and the whole thing turns out to be some gibberish
+nonsense about Tom Webb, a tipster, and some rotten horses."
+
+"You are most refreshingly green," Ward replied, and he screwed the
+telegrams together and threw them into the fire.
+
+"What are you going to do?" I inquired.
+
+"That's just it, I can't make up my mind.  Tom Webb has sent me twelve
+stiff 'uns running, and if The Philosopher won and I wasn't on it I
+should swear for a month."
+
+"Then," I said wisely, "I think you had better back The Philosopher;
+you ought to think a little of your friends."
+
+The only answer I received to my suggestion was that of all the fools
+in Oxford I was the most sublime, so I told him that if he backed
+either of these horses he would be proving that, at any rate, I was not
+absolutely the biggest fool he knew.  But he had begun to read racing
+guides and calendars, and every now and then made notes upon a piece of
+paper, so he treated my retort with contempt.
+
+"I believe," he said, with a pencil between his teeth, "that Dainty
+Dick can give The Philosopher about eleven pounds, and he has only to
+give him four, so I shall back The Philosopher."
+
+"That doesn't seem very good reasoning," I ventured to remark.
+
+"My opinion's always wrong," he explained, "but I have a thundering
+good mind to back both of 'em."
+
+"It seems the quickest way of losing your money," I said.
+
+"Don't be such a confounded ass.  I know about some of these stables, a
+man is a fool if you like who bets and doesn't know."  He shut up his
+betting-book with a bang, and I told him the only tale I knew about
+racing.
+
+"I have a cousin," I began, "who owned racehorses and all the rest of
+it.  He lost every penny he had, and a lot more besides.  He knew, as
+you call it."  I did not feel that my tale, though it had the merit of
+being true, was a good one.
+
+"It is no use for you to sit there and conjure up tragedies," Ward
+replied.  "I can't help gambling, it is in my blood; my father is about
+the biggest speculator in England.  If you want a good tip, buy
+Susquehambo Consolidated Rubies."
+
+I was not inclined to buy anything except a fox-terrier pup, and I told
+Ward that he would come a most howling cropper if he did not look out.
+But I have never yet happened to find the man who was inclined to take
+my warnings seriously, and Jack Ward, at any rate, was so naturally
+optimistic, that I might have known that he would take no notice
+whatever of my advice.
+
+"I shall back both Dainty Dick and The Philosopher," he said, when I
+had finished; "come down to Wright's with me, and I will have a fiver
+on each of them.  I don't get tips like these every day."
+
+He put on his cap and tried to persuade me to go with him, but I was
+sick of the man, he seemed to me to be simply throwing his money away;
+so I went back to my rooms, and finding that Murray had been to
+Armitage's lecture, I borrowed his notes and copied them into my book,
+though Murray said, and I thought, that I was wasting my time.
+
+I did not see Ward again until after five o'clock, when he brought an
+evening paper and a cheerful countenance into my rooms and told me that
+Dainty Dick had won the Flying Welter, and The Philosopher had been
+second.  "Two pretty good tips, my boy," he said; "nothing but your
+obstinacy prevented your being on."
+
+Collier had been having tea with me, and was to all appearances asleep
+when Ward came in, but without opening his eyes he said, "Betting is a
+mug's game.  What price did this brute start at?"
+
+"I don't know until I get the next evening paper, but it is sure to be
+a good price; there were twelve runners, and they are sure to have
+backed The Philosopher."
+
+"You are a rotter," Collier stated; "if you are going to stay here,
+don't talk racing to us.  I don't know anything about it and don't want
+to."
+
+"I know a real hot thing for the Manchester November Handicap, been
+kept for months," Ward said quite cheerfully.
+
+"We don't want to hear it," I said.
+
+"I am thundering well not going to tell you anyway.  You two men ought
+to be in bed, I am going to find some one who is not half asleep," Ward
+answered, and he went away with unnecessary noise.
+
+Both Collier and I had promised to go to Lambert's rooms after dinner
+on that evening; he had asked us because he said we ought to have a
+talk about the freshers' wine, but we knew well enough that he intended
+to twang his wretched banjo and sing little love songs which made the
+night hideous.  If only he would have sung comic things he might not
+have caused such wholesale pain, though I should not like to speak
+positively upon that point.  I did not go to this entertainment
+immediately after dinner, and when I arrived I found the usual gang,
+Ward, Dennison and Collier, and one other man who turned out to be
+Bunny Langham.  Everybody except Collier was playing a game of cards
+called "Bank," the chief merit of which is its simplicity.  The dealer
+puts some money into the pool and deals three cards to each player, who
+can bet up to the amount in the pool that one of his cards will beat
+the card which the dealer turns up against him.  All that seemed to
+happen was that Bunny Langham kept on saying, "I'll go the whole
+shoot," and then complained violently of his luck.  It was no game for
+me and I looked to Collier for amusement, but he had got a bottle of
+French plums in his lap and was engaged in trying to get them out with
+a fork which was too short for the job.  The banjo had been put back
+into its case, and though it was not amusing to see four men play cards
+and Collier over-eating himself, I was content to see the banjo put
+away for the night, so I got the most comfortable chair I could grasp
+and waited until somebody thought it was time to go to bed.  I sat
+facing Bunny Langham, and as there was nothing else to do I watched him
+losing his money, and I should think he was what is called a very good
+loser.  He was a most curious-looking man and wore eyeglasses which did
+not seem powerful enough, for when he wanted to take any money from the
+pool or--which happened more frequently--pay something into it, he took
+them off and put up a single eyeglass which he managed with the skill
+of one to whom it was a necessity and not an inconvenience.  His
+complexion was pink and white, and he had a small patch of piebald hair
+over his right car, which in some lights looked like a rosette.  But in
+spite of his odd appearance there was something attractive in his face;
+it must, I think, have been either his expression or his forehead, for
+it certainly was not his chin, and a nose never looks its best when
+shadowed by pince-nez.  Dennison was the only winner at the table, and
+smiled benignly round him when he was not lighting his pipe.  Lambert
+threw his money about with a magnificent air more comical than
+impressive, and Jack Ward seemed to be the one man whose attention was
+riveted on the game.  When a remark was made on any subject except bad
+luck, Ward broke in asking some one how much they were going to stake
+or telling Bunny, who never seemed to know what was going to happen
+next, that they were waiting for him.  I thought "Bank" must be the
+dreariest of all card games, but it was nearly twelve o'clock before
+Langham got up and said he must go.  When the game was over I asked
+Ward how much he had won over Dainty Dick, and at once there was a roar
+of laughter.
+
+"He lost over three pounds," Dennison said
+
+"But how did he manage that?" I asked, for my knowledge of racing being
+limited I did not understand how he could have backed the winner of
+this race and yet lost money.
+
+"Why Dainty Dick started at three to one on, so he only won about
+thirty shillings, and he lost a fiver backing The Philosopher.  I
+thought he had made a fortune by the way he was talking at dinner,"
+Dennison answered.
+
+For a moment Ward looked furious, and the exultant way in which
+Dennison told me what had happened must have annoyed him tremendously.
+I felt that Dennison with his seraphic smile was a much bigger idiot
+than Ward, so I said, "Well, I can't see where the joke comes in, I
+think it is thundering rough luck," which remark I considered rather
+noble, for I did think that Ward had been scored off beautifully, only
+Dennison gibing at him was such a sickening sight that I thought I
+would put off the few words I meant having with him about Dainty Dick
+until we were alone.
+
+After Bunny Langham had gone we began to discuss the freshers' wine,
+but Jack Ward looked so down on his luck that I let him arrange what he
+liked, though as Collier said to me afterwards, Ward only thought he
+was deciding everything while Dennison really managed the whole affair
+and simply twisted him round his fingers.
+
+"Dennison is as clever as a wagon load of monkeys," Collier complained,
+"he looks like a baby and is as cunning as a Chinaman.  I wonder how we
+can put up with him."
+
+I wondered, too, and I should think everybody else, except Dennison
+himself, found it difficult to explain his popularity.  For he was
+popular, and since no other reason occurs to me I expect the fact that
+he was always ready to play the piano must have helped him, Lambert on
+his banjo was enough to depress a crowd of Sunday-school children at
+their annual treat, but Dennison played the kind of music which made
+Collier, Ward and me, who were not exactly musical, feel that we could
+sing quite well.  At Cliborough I had established a record by being the
+first boy who had tried to get into the school choir and failed, but
+the man who made me sing "Ah, ah, ah," until I really could not go on
+any longer had told me that I should have a voice some day.  Perhaps he
+said that out of kindness, but when Dennison played I always remembered
+it, and forgot that when I sang in church people sitting in front of me
+had been known to look round as if hymns were not made to be sung.
+
+If discussion beforehand helps to make an entertainment successful our
+freshers' wine ought to have been a colossal success.  For days the
+thing seemed to pervade the air and I got horribly tired of it, though
+Collier, who had been given rooms which compared with mine were
+palatial, had more reason to be sick than I had.  Collier had not only
+a certain amount of space at his disposal but also a piano, and if
+either of us had been any use at guessing we might have known that his
+rooms would have been chosen.  I may as well say now that if any one of
+the freshers who had been invited had also possessed a little sense
+Collier's rooms would not have been chosen, but the last thing we
+thought of was a row, until we got into one, which is one of the
+advantages of being a fresher.
+
+Dennison and Ward finally asked about fifteen men to the wine, and on
+the appointed night we met in Collier's rooms.  It was perhaps not so
+great a privilege to receive an invitation as we thought it was,
+because each man who accepted had to pay more than the thing was worth.
+However, there was no doubt that it was well done, Ward had been to
+Spinney's shop in the Turl and had benefited by Spinney's experience,
+and Dennison with the assistance of Collier's scout, and in spite of
+Collier's mild protests, had prepared the rooms in a way which made me
+wonder where the owner of them was going to sleep.
+
+There was a tradition at St. Cuthbert's, and a tradition seems to me a
+very dangerous possession unless carefully watched, that no wine was
+complete without a large bowl of milk punch.  Ward had been told this
+by Spinney, who took what he called a fatherly interest in St.
+Cuthbert's, though it must be an exorbitant kind of interest which
+makes a man recommend a lot of freshers, or anybody else, to mix punch
+with champagne and port.  Spinney had also provided a terrific amount
+of fruit and other things, and if Collier's room had only been big
+enough to provide space for all of us and for what we were expected to
+eat and drink, I think our wine at the start would have been a most
+imposing display.  As it was everybody thought it had been done well
+except Collier, who told me to look in his bedroom.  I looked without
+seeing the bed, which was so piled up with superfluities that they
+nearly touched the ceiling.
+
+"When this orgie is over," Collier said, "every one will have forgotten
+that I have to go to bed to-night."
+
+"I will stay and help you," I answered, for I was in the mood when
+anything seems to be possible.
+
+We went back into the "sitter," where everybody was already beginning
+to eat and, I suppose, to enjoy themselves.  There were not enough
+chairs to go round, but there is always the floor, and a man who won't
+sit on the floor when there is nothing else to sit upon is no use at an
+Oxford wine.  Some men even prefer the floor, but that usually happens
+later on in the evening.  Ward began the musical part of the
+entertainment by singing "John Peel," his voice was admirable, because
+it was loud without being very good, and nobody had the discomfort of
+wondering whether they could sing well enough to join in the chorus.  I
+like a place where you can fairly bellow without hearing your own
+voice.  A man called Webb, who had a mole on his forehead and had been
+at Cliborough with me, sang the next song, but it was a sentimental
+thing, and had a chorus with some high notes in it, an unsuitable
+choice which fell flat, and when it was over Webb sat down by me in
+disgust, and helped himself lavishly to punch by way of consolation.  I
+told Webb that he had taken Lambert's seat, because Lambert for some
+other reason had also been helping himself lavishly to punch, and had
+become argumentative and almost quarrelsome.  Webb, however, said that
+he was not going to move, and when Lambert returned Dennison had to
+play the piano very lustily to drown the discussion which took place.
+Lambert was six feet two and angry, Webb was the same height and
+obstinate, both of them had been drinking punch, and if Ward had not
+intervened by asking Lambert to sing, I believe an unexpected item
+would have formed part of our programme.  Lambert sang, or rather tried
+to sing, and broke down several times; no one minded and he received
+tremendous encouragement to go on, but he fancied himself as a singer
+and at last became very indignant and abusive.  He was then given
+champagne to soothe him, and sat on the floor with a very sad
+expression, and his legs stretched out in front of him.  Collier threw
+a fig at him which he caught and threw back, hitting another man on the
+cheek, figs began to fly about the room until Ward begged everybody not
+to make a horrible rag before we had properly begun.  Collier went
+round on his hands and knees collecting figs and calling himself a fool
+for spoiling his own carpet.  Most people gave him a shove with their
+feet when he came near them, which sent him on to his back and
+prevented his collection from being a good one.
+
+Then Dennison began to play "The Gondoliers," which was the popular
+comic opera of the day.  Solos were dispensed with, and each chorus was
+sung many times.  The wine was evidently a huge success, the noise was
+magnificent, and everybody was reasonably peaceful.  No one noticed
+that Lambert and Webb were now sitting side by side on the floor,
+swearing eternal friendship and requiring champagne in which to pledge
+each other, until Webb got hold of the idea that he was Leander trying
+to swim the Hellespont, and Collier poured a jug of water over his head
+so that he might make the scene more realistic.
+
+One or two men went quietly away, saying that it was getting late.  The
+music stopped for a moment, while Dennison walked about the room
+seeking refreshment and finding very little.  The noise subsided so
+much that a knock was heard, and a scout poked his head into the room
+and spoke to Dennison who was standing by the door.  Every one asked
+what he wanted, and Dennison assured us that it did not matter, which
+we were all inclined to believe with the exception of Ward, who went to
+the piano and began the National Anthem.  It was the only tune he could
+play, and he had to take infinite pains to get the right notes, so he
+was forcibly removed, and Dennison installed in his place.  "The
+Gondoliers" and the noise began again, while Ward, protesting that it
+was time we went away, was disregarded entirely.  From sheer distaste
+for punch and only a very limited taste for wine I had not been seeking
+my enjoyment in drinking, but I had smoked far more than was good for
+me, and my head felt as large as a pumpkin.  It occurred to me,
+however, that if Ward wished our entertainment to close he was sure to
+be right, so I pulled over Dennison backwards from the piano.  That
+caused a very fair hubbub and did not do much good, since everybody
+began to sing what they liked, without music.
+
+Ward went round persuading men to go, until Lambert, Webb, Collier,
+Ward, Dennison and I were the only ones remaining.  Collier was heavy
+with sleep, but Lambert and Webb, who still sat on the floor with their
+backs propped up against a sofa, were full of song.  Dennison sulked in
+a corner; he told me afterwards that I had hurt his head.  Ward and I
+by violent efforts got Lambert and Webb upon their legs and propped
+them up against each other.  They stood singing, "For he's a jolly good
+fellow," and looking extraordinarily foolish.  At last we got them to
+the door and shoved them out, but unfortunately the Sub-Warden, who had
+a habit of being in the wrong place, was standing outside the room, and
+Lambert, who most certainly looked upon him as an old friend, put an
+arm round him, and hurried him at break-neck speed down the stairs.
+Webb followed, and when I got into the quadrangle he was on one side of
+the Subby and Lambert on the other.
+
+They were persuading him to dance.  I tried to seize Lambert, while
+Ward went for Webb; but as I did so they suddenly released their man,
+and instead of grabbing Lambert I got my arm entangled in the Subby's.
+I let it go quickly, but he recognized me, and said something about a
+disgraceful occurrence.  It would have been giving Lambert and Webb
+away to tell him that I was acting the part of rescuer, so I stood
+looking at him, while Ward drove the other two men out of the
+quadrangle.  As he did not say anything I expressed a hope that he was
+not hurt, but it was more from a wish to prove myself sober than from
+any anxiety as to his condition that I made the remark.  I thought he
+understood this, for he neither answered nor wished me good-night when
+he went back to his staircase.  I was afraid he had been considerably
+jolted and was not quite himself.  I turned round after watching him
+out of sight, and found Murray standing by my side.
+
+"You had better come to bed," he said, and his tone suggested that I
+was incapable of looking after myself, so I told him that I was as
+sober as a judge.
+
+"I waited up for you," he said.
+
+"To see if you could be of any use, I suppose," I asked ungraciously.
+
+"And when Lambert and Webb began to shout the back quad down, I came
+out to see what had happened.  What were you talking to the Subby
+about?"
+
+"Our arms got interlocked," I replied, as we walked over to our
+staircase.  "The fact is the Subby ought to go to bed in decent time."
+
+"He could hardly be expected to sleep with a wine going on in the rooms
+below him."
+
+"I forgot all about that."
+
+"And so apparently did everybody else who was there, though I should
+have thought the scout would have warned Collier."
+
+"Dennison managed the whole thing, I said, and you can thank your stars
+you can go to bed without the prospect of a row and a thundering
+headache."
+
+Then I went into my room and sported my oak, for the rumblings of
+Lambert and Webb could still be heard in the quadrangle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+JACK WARD AND DENNISON
+
+The morning following the wine was no morning for me.  Of course I
+awoke with a headache, but that was nothing in comparison with a
+general feeling that the day was not likely to be a peaceful one.  I
+lay awake and thought over matters as well as I could until Clarkson
+came in to put my bath.  Then I pretended to be asleep, but out of the
+corner of my eye I saw him looking at me and I conceived a great
+dislike for him.  He seemed to think I was a curiosity of some kind.
+He tidied my room, and having finished he asked if I should be taking
+breakfast.  I sat up in bed and inquired why he supposed I did not want
+breakfast, and my question, I flatter myself, surprised him
+considerably.  I told him to get me twice as much breakfast as usual
+and to be quick, but while I was dressing I wondered how I should eat
+it, so I went into Murray's room and persuaded him to breakfast with
+me.  Murray had already begun to eat, but when I explained to him that
+this was a little matter between Clarkson and myself, and that it would
+not do for me to be scored off, he agreed to come.  Clarkson, however,
+was a difficult man to defeat; he provided enough breakfast for four
+men, and though I bustled him as much as I could and was very
+dictatorial, I could see that he was quietly amused.  Murray ate for
+all he was worth, but the amount of food which Clarkson carried away
+for his hungry family was evidence enough to prove who had won the
+battle.
+
+Conversation did not play any conspicuous part in that meal, but I told
+Murray that if everybody at the wine had been as sensible as Ward we
+should have got through without any row.  "My opinion of Ward has
+changed," I said more than once, for Murray was not inclined to give
+him any credit and he certainly deserved some.
+
+At ten o'clock I went to a lecture, and when I returned I found a note
+from the Sub-Warden asking me to call upon him at noon.  It was
+precisely what I expected, but the prospects of another row depressed
+me.  The morning was dark and rainy, and my room was so dismal that I
+stood on the ledge outside my window and leant against the parapet.  It
+was neither a comfortable nor a very safe position, but it suited my
+mood.  I looked down on the back quadrangle below me and watched for
+something interesting to happen.  I had not been up long enough to know
+that my wish was not likely to be gratified, nothing exciting ever does
+happen in Oxford during the morning, or if it does I was always
+unfortunate enough to miss it.
+
+A man in a scholar's gown hurried across the quadrangle, rushed up a
+staircase, and came back with a note-book in his hand.  The Warden came
+out of his house and stood upon his doorstep as if he was trying to
+remember what he wanted to do.  Then he turned round and went into the
+house again.  Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, a lady who was
+reported to be talkative and in love, came out and observed the
+weather.  Two minutes afterwards she appeared in a mackintosh, which
+was thoroughly business-like.  She was most obviously bent on shopping.
+Two men, regardless of the rain, strolled out of the front quadrangle
+and shouted for Dennison, who did not come to his window.  I told them
+that he was probably in bed, and they answered that I should fall over
+if I did not look out.  It was all most painfully dull, and I was just
+going in when the Subby appeared and went into the Warden's house.  I
+could guess the reason for that visit, and waited to see no more.  I
+sat down by the fire and tried to think out what I should say to the
+Subby, and what he would say to me.  I did not know much about him
+except that his name was Webster, and that he was a great authority on
+Etruscan pottery, facts which did not help me much.  He also had one of
+the finest stamp collections in the world, but I had never collected
+anything for more than a week at a time.  I felt that he was a
+difficult man to gauge, because he had never been what I considered a
+sportsman.  His appearance at any rate was not imposing, and I was
+depressed enough to feel thankful for very small mercies.  If dons only
+remembered what men feel like after their first wine, they would
+scarcely be hard-hearted enough to inflict further penalties upon them.
+But it was the vocation of the Subby to keep order in the college, and
+some one had told me that rowdy men were his pet abomination.  He
+regarded St. Cuthbert's as the intellectual centre of Oxford, and
+Oxford as the intellectual centre of the world.  No wonder the poor man
+looked serious and seldom smiled, for he must have had a lot to think
+about.  He covered up his eyes with enormous spectacles, and the lower
+part of his face with a straggling moustache and beard, you got neither
+satisfaction nor information from looking at him.
+
+It was nearly twelve o'clock before I saw any of the men who had been
+at the wine, and then Ward and Collier came into my rooms.  I was still
+sitting by the fire, and Ward, who would have gibed at my gloom under
+ordinary conditions, simply told me that I didn't look very cheerful,
+and sat down on the edge of the table, which tilted up and nearly
+placed him on the floor.  Collier threw himself into the nearest chair,
+and pulling a pipe out of his pocket, carefully rubbed the bowl of it,
+but showed no anxiety to smoke, and considering that I felt as if I
+should never smoke again, I was not surprised.
+
+"I should like to flay Lambert, Webb, and Dennison alive," Collier said
+quite solemnly.
+
+"I've got to go to the Subby in ten minutes," I said, and Collier's
+face brightened.
+
+"I didn't think you would have to go," Ward remarked; "what an infernal
+nuisance, and why has he sent for you?"
+
+"I tried to rescue the stupid man from Lambert and Webb, and got
+entangled in his blessed arm.  He was as sick as blazes, and I shall
+hear more stuff about being an exhibitioner," I answered.
+
+"The man's a fool," Collier said, "but the biggest ass in the place is
+Dennison.  He knew the Subby was out to dinner, and wouldn't be back
+till goodness knows when, but he must go on and kick up a row on that
+piano after he knew the Subby was in his rooms.  And the beauty of it
+is that Dennison hasn't been sent for.  I call it a confounded shame.
+We have just been round to see him, and the brute is still in bed as
+fit as anything, and thinks it the best joke he has heard for ages.  He
+wouldn't see much humour in it if he went and smelt my rooms."
+
+"Who has been sent for?" I asked.
+
+"You, Collier, Lambert, and Webb," Ward replied.
+
+"Not you?"
+
+"I have seen the Subby already.  I met him in the quad and asked if I
+might speak to him."
+
+"Was he furious?" I inquired.
+
+"I tried to explain things to him; he was not altogether furious, but
+stuck on a sort of injured dignity business which was rather funny."
+
+"It isn't likely a man would want to be danced down-stairs by Lambert
+and Webb," Collier said; "I wonder they didn't break his neck, and it
+would have been a thundering good job if they had smashed themselves."
+
+I got up and seized my gown, leaving Collier to continue his wishes for
+the destruction of Lambert and Webb if he felt inclined.  At any other
+time they would have amused me, for Collier was generally difficult to
+move in any way, and he was quite funny when his indignation could be
+roused.
+
+I am not going to describe my interview with the Subby at any length.
+He listened patiently to what I had to say, but if a man came to me and
+said that he had caught hold of me by accident I confess that I should
+think it a poor sort of story.  I could not tell him that I was trying
+to save him from Lambert and Webb, because that would have been
+contrary to what I should have expected them to say about me, if the
+positions had been reversed.  The Subby ought to have guessed it for
+himself and rewarded me, but he had been so hustled that it was perhaps
+too much to expect him to guess anything.  My reputation for work
+seemed to have been of the worst.  There was no denying that the Subby
+and I had been entangled, and it was no use for me to say that it was
+his fault.  I spoke of it as a very unfortunate occurrence, and I
+assured him most warmly that it should not happen again.  Assurances of
+that kind do not, I should say, count for much.  He was so occupied by
+the importance of what had passed, that I could not make him see that
+the future was also important.  And I did try hard to point this out to
+him, I regretted much, I promised more, and I meant everything I said
+most honestly.  I had never been so penitent before, but I must at the
+same time admit that I had never previously felt quite so unwell.
+
+Perhaps my protestations had some effect, for my sentence was that I
+should be gated for three weeks, and I received also what must, when
+translated into simple English, have been a warning that unless I
+changed the errors of my ways my exhibition would be taken away from
+me.  The Subby jawed badly, he was not to be compared with Mr.
+Edwardes, and he hesitated and coughed, until once or twice I was
+almost inclined to help him out, for I knew what he was going to say
+and he fidgeted me.  I was, however, in too great a hole to risk much,
+so as soon as he began I remained silent and hoped steadily that he
+would either end soon or be interrupted.  He did not know how to begin
+or when to finish, and if Collier had not knocked at the door and come
+into the room, it seemed to me that nothing but the pangs of hunger
+would have warned him that he had said enough.
+
+I have never seen a more welcome arrival than Collier's, because I had
+really been with the Subby a very long time, and to stand with an
+attentive expression for ten minutes at a stretch and listen to the
+usual remarks is in its way quite a feat.  I found Ward waiting for me
+in the front quad, and he asked at once what had happened to me.
+
+"Gated for three weeks," I answered; "I suppose I ought to consider
+myself lucky, he might have sent me down."
+
+"It knocks all your fun on the head," he said, "being in by nine
+o'clock every night is average rot."
+
+"It won't matter to me, I am going to settle down and read for a first
+in Mods," and I turned into the common room and picked up _The
+Sportsman_.  There were no other men in the room, and Ward stood in
+front of the fire and kept looking at me as if he wanted to say
+something and could not manage to begin.  I read the names of the
+'Varsity XV. chosen to play that afternoon against Richmond, and saw
+that Foster was still among them.
+
+"Fred Foster's going to get his blue," I said.
+
+"Who the deuce wants to get a blue?" Ward replied.
+
+"Well, it's better than getting into rows, anyway," I retorted.
+
+"You seem to have taken this thing very quietly," he said, "don't you
+see that your being dropped on is a most wretched swindle.  Lambert and
+Webb are only gated for three weeks."
+
+"It doesn't make a tuppenny-ha'penny bit of difference to me what has
+happened to them.  If they had been gated for two years it wouldn't
+give me any satisfaction."
+
+"But they had been mixing all kinds of drink."
+
+"And the Subby thinks I had," I said.
+
+"But you hadn't."
+
+"No, but that doesn't make any difference.  The Subby may be a fair
+ass, but I caught hold of him, and I must be a bigger fool than he is.
+It's the last time I ever try to rescue a don."
+
+Two senior men, Bagshaw and Crane came into the room and overheard my
+last remark, so I had to tell them the whole thing over again.  Both of
+them laughed tremendously, but Crane, who was captain of the college
+cricket eleven, and President of the Mohocks, which was the
+inappropriate name of the St. Cuthbert's wine club, seemed to be more
+amused at the solemn way I told the story, while Bagshaw said he would
+have given anything to have seen the Subby rushing down-stairs.  They
+laughed loudly, and as soon as I could escape I went back to my rooms,
+leaving Jack Ward to talk to them.
+
+For once I wanted to be by myself, but there was no shaking off Ward
+that morning, and he turned up again in about ten minutes and said that
+he had told his scout to bring his lunch round to my rooms.  I had
+struggled nobly with breakfast, but I hated the suggestion of more food
+and told him he had better go and eat somewhere else.  My head ached
+abominably, and I wanted to sit by the fire and go to sleep.  Ward,
+however, decided that I wanted cheering up, though how he was likely to
+enliven me by eating when I had no appetite he did not tell me.  As a
+matter of fact cheering me up was only an excuse, what he really wanted
+to do was to give me the explanation which he thought I must be
+expecting.  If he had known me better he would not have expected me to
+wait for anything, had I imagined any explanation was necessary I
+should have asked him for it at once.  But I was not taking any
+interest in explanations, my mouth felt like a cinder, and when some
+man had met me in the quad and told me I looked "precious cheap," which
+is an expression I detest, I had not the energy to retaliate.
+
+Ward, having eaten his luncheon and gulped down a most horrible
+quantity of beer, lit a cigarette, and sat down by the fire.
+
+"You must think me a most awful brute for having got out of this row,"
+he began.  I told him that if he felt as I did, he would think
+everybody in the world was a brute.
+
+"Well, you see," he went on, "I got the thing up and the Subby didn't
+send for me."
+
+"It was Dennison's fault," I said, for I saw no good in dividing the
+blame, "and if a man can't take his luck in these things he is no use
+to anybody.  My luck's always vile, but that doesn't matter to any one
+except me, and I am used to it."
+
+He took no notice of what I said, and continued, "So I told the Subby
+it was my fault, but when I saw him I thought only Collier, Webb and
+Lambert had been nailed."
+
+I roused myself and looked at Ward, who was staring into the fire.
+
+"You are a fool," I stated, but I didn't mean it.
+
+"I had to do it or I should have felt awful," he said, and then he
+jumped up and banged round the room, tossing things about and failing
+to catch them.
+
+He stood in a new light, and it took me some time to digest what he had
+told me.  Of all the men I had met since coming to Oxford I should have
+said that Jack Ward was the one who would watch his own interests most
+closely, and he had upset all my opinions by walking into a quite
+unnecessary row.
+
+"Why did you do it?" I asked him, and I added, "it isn't as if you
+could do anybody else any good," for it is at first very perplexing to
+find a man doing exactly the reverse of what you expect.
+
+"I have told you why I did it, I should have felt so confoundedly mean
+if I hadn't.  But while I was with the Subby I wish I had known that he
+had nailed you as well, because I might have told him that you hate
+drinking.  A don seems to me to have the fixed idea that freshers
+naturally drink too much, at least that was the impression the Subby
+gave me."
+
+"What happened to you?"
+
+"I'm gated for a fortnight, and he talked a lot of tommy-rot."
+
+"Well, I think it is most frightfully decent of you," I said.
+
+"Oh, shut up," Ward answered, "I can't stand that.  I have never done
+anything of the kind before and shan't again.  I simply couldn't have
+faced you men if I hadn't owned up, and that ends it."
+
+At that moment Dennison walked in wearing an enormous overcoat and a
+Wellingham scarf round his neck, he looked as beautifully pink as ever,
+and I hated the sight of him.
+
+"This is such a blighted day that I am going to watch a footer match,"
+he said, "it amuses me to see thirty people tumbling about in the mud,
+and we can go and play pool at Wright's when we have had enough, if you
+will come."
+
+I did not intend to tell Dennison that I was ill, so I said I would go
+if Ward would come with us, and as soon as we got into the Broad and
+the rain fairly beat upon us, I began to feel much better and more
+capable of being disagreeable to Dennison.  I was in the state of mind
+which makes one anxious to be unpleasant, the sort of mood in which
+horrid people abuse servants or try to kick animals, and I was glad to
+have Dennison, who deserved every rudeness imaginable, at my disposal.
+But the worst of feeling so thoroughly disagreeable is that you are
+ashamed of yourself so quickly.  I am either violently angry or not
+angry at all, and it is the people who are good at sulks and call them
+dignity who get their own way in this world.  I once tried to be
+dignified at home, and I am not inclined to repeat the experiment; my
+father told me not to be a fool, my sister walked about as if wrestling
+with suppressed laughter, and my mother offered me various medicines.
+Rudeness is my _rôle_, its intention is not so easily mistaken.
+
+So I hung on to Dennison very earnestly, and though Ward did all he
+knew to keep the peace, I had managed before we reached the Parks, to
+convince both of them that our walk was a mistake.
+
+We went to the far end of the ground where very few spectators were
+standing, for an Oxford crowd always collect behind the goal of the
+visiting side, hoping magnificently that by those means they will see
+most of the game.  It is very noble of them, but they are sometimes
+disappointed, and this happened to be one of the days on which those
+who were behind the 'Varsity goal-posts saw a good deal more than they
+wanted.  For the day was made for the Richmond XV., who were big, bulky
+men, very heavy in the scrimmage, and the three-quarter backs on both
+sides spent most of their time trying to keep warm.  Dennison said he
+was bored to death, and I told him Richmond never were any good outside
+the scrum and were playing a jolly good game.  He answered that he was
+not a Football Encyclopaedia, and I assured him that he never could be
+anything half so useful.  We kept up this kind of conversation for some
+time, while Ward stamped his feet and asked us to stop.
+
+"How long have you been gated for?" I asked Dennison suddenly,
+springing the question upon him as had been the habit of one master at
+Cliborough when he was going to ask me something very embarrassing.
+Ward hit me in the ribs with his elbow, and Dennison pretended not to
+hear, so I moved a little further from Ward and repeated my question.
+"The Subby didn't send for me," he replied; "I wasn't caught and I made
+no row to speak of."
+
+"Oh well, if you like to get out of the whole thing it has nothing to
+do with me," I said, and the thought suddenly struck me that if I
+really goaded Dennison into giving up his name I should feel a brute
+for the rest of my existence.  What I wanted to do was to prove that
+Ward was worth about ten of him, but it is very uphill work trying to
+convince a man that he is only a fraction of the fellow he thinks
+himself, I have often seen people going sorrowfully away from tasks of
+that kind.
+
+"There is no question of getting out of it," Dennison said quite
+calmly, "because I have never been in it."
+
+"No question at all," Ward put in.
+
+"At any rate you arranged it," I retorted.
+
+"And the very deuce of a job it was," he replied.
+
+"Of course it was," Ward said, and though I imagined I was out of
+elbow-shot I got another blow which did nothing to improve my temper.
+
+"It's like this," I began, "Ward went to the Subby and said----"  But
+Ward burst in with, "By Jove, that is about the tenth time that man
+Foster has fallen on the ball, and now I believe he's hurt."
+
+For quite two minutes Fred lay on the ground, and I forgot all about
+Dennison and the exasperating mood I was in.  At last he got up and
+moved about in a dazed condition, while some people clapped and others,
+more enthusiastic than anxious, began to shout, "Now then, 'Varsity."
+The game went on again, but my desire to be nasty had vanished, and I
+found that I had moved away from Ward and Dennison.  When I returned to
+them I found that my interrupted remark had created a greater
+disturbance than I had expected.  Dennison was fuming like anything,
+and so far was he from thinking that Ward and I had a grievance against
+him that he was treating himself as a thoroughly injured man.
+
+"It is a pretty low down game," he was saying to Ward, when I came
+back, "for you to go and give your name up to the Subby and tell me
+nothing about it.  What do you think everybody will be saying about me?
+Marten has been talking to me as if I was a pick-pocket, while you were
+standing there and thinking yourself a sort of tin hero.  If you want
+to know what I think you are, my opinion is that you're a confounded
+fool, but since you have done this I must go and see the Subby when I
+get back to college."
+
+This is only an expurgated copy of what Dennison said, as a matter of
+fact he called Ward and me much worse names than a pick-pocket, and
+qualified them with adjectives too violent to be recorded.
+
+I looked blankly at Ward, who had his head down and looked thoroughly
+ashamed of himself.
+
+"It is one of the few times in my life," he said, "when I have tried to
+do the right thing, and it seems to have been all wrong."
+
+There was only one line to take, and I started on it at once.  "That's
+rot," I began, "because you suggested the whole thing, and if you felt
+like owning up to it no one else has any right to swear at you.
+Dennison is altogether different, and if he goes to the Subby everybody
+else will have to go.  We are like a lot of school-boys."
+
+I thought my last remark a sound one, for Dennison pretended to despise
+boys, because he said they always got up so late for morning school
+that they had not time to wash properly.  There was always a faint
+smell of scent about Dennison, which did not make me take much notice
+of his opinion about school-boys.
+
+I cannot even now tell whether he was really angry or whether he was
+just pretending a rage to put us into a hole.  I did find out
+afterwards that he knew all the time that Ward had given up his name,
+so if he pretended one thing I do not see why he should not have
+pretended another.  But the result was the same whether he was shamming
+or not.  Ward and I implored him not to go to the Subby, for quite ten
+minutes during that damp and shivery afternoon we besought him to leave
+things as they were.  And at last with great reluctance he gave way,
+and to please us he said that he would forgive Ward for having done
+rather a mean thing, and he pardoned me for having been so rude.  Of
+course we were most properly taken in, but that was the fate of most
+men who had much to do with Dennison, and I was so glad to be at peace
+once more that it did not occur to me then that Ward and I were two
+colossal idiots.
+
+I went round to see Foster after the match, but found that he was going
+to dine early with the Richmond team, so he did not tell me anything
+except that he had got a splitting headache.  Each time I had been to
+see him for the last fortnight he had either been out, just going out,
+or had a room full of men with him.  Whenever he had come to see me the
+same kind of things had happened, so we had not managed to have one
+respectable talk together.  I determined that this was most
+unsatisfactory, so after dinner I wrote him a note, asking him to go
+for a walk with me on the following day, and then I went to see Jack
+Ward.  My opinion of him had been changing all day, and as I went to
+his room I felt that whatever Foster and Murray said about him, he was
+at bottom a splendid sort.  Roulette was going on in his rooms, and the
+usual crowd were playing.  Ward was banker, and he did not even ask me
+to play, but roulette is a very difficult game to watch without
+playing, and after black had come up six times consecutively, I thought
+it must be red's turn.  It was not, however, and five times I lost my
+money; then I had sense enough to stop for a bit until the numbers
+began to fascinate me, and I picked nineteen, being my age.  A lot of
+people may say I was old enough to know better, but it is so easy to
+make remarks of that kind, and until they find something a little less
+stale, they will never do any good.  I stood by the table at first, and
+then sat down and made up my mind to get my money back.  I tried
+everything in turn, but luck was dead against me, and Ward once or
+twice said he wished I would win something.  In the end I lost nearly
+six pounds, and went back to my rooms a sorrowful man.  Before I went
+into my bedder I looked at my cheque-book, and it gave me no
+satisfaction.  I had borrowed four pounds from Ward, and I wrote him a
+cheque for the amount, and laying it on the table beside me, I sat
+thinking.  My door was wide open, and I must have been nearly asleep,
+for I did not see any one come into my room, and a hand falling on my
+shoulder surprised me.  I looked up and saw Ward standing by my side.
+
+"Sorry to wake you up," he said, "but I felt like coming to see you."
+He saw the cheque made out to him, and taking it from the table he tore
+it into bits.
+
+"You have wasted a penny," I said, for I could not help guessing what
+he meant.
+
+"I don't want to take your money," he replied, "and for heaven's sake
+don't make me."
+
+He was most desperately in earnest, but the mere fact that I should
+have taken his without a thought of returning it, settled the little
+argument which followed.
+
+"I can't help gambling," he said, "but I wish to goodness you wouldn't."
+
+"But only a few days ago you sneered at me for not backing a horse," I
+retorted, for though it was very good of him, I felt he was treating me
+like an infant.
+
+"I never asked you to," he said, "and I should like to have one friend
+who doesn't bet or play cards or anything."
+
+"There's Collier," I suggested.
+
+"He is different," Ward answered, and I suppose I wanted him to say
+something like that.
+
+We talked for an hour, at least Ward talked and I listened, but during
+the years to come I always remembered what he said about himself on
+that night.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+THE INN AT SAMPFORD
+
+I do not suppose that my waking thoughts could be called valuable, for
+my habit is to lie in bed and wonder vaguely what time it is, and if
+you start the day in that way and write it solemnly on paper you may
+just as well keep a diary of what you had for luncheon and where you
+had tea and all that kind of twaddle, which people write because
+blotting paper is provided on the opposite page.  But on the morning
+following my conversation with Ward I woke up with the sort of feeling
+which ought to have been of value to some one, because it was such a
+mixture that I could not stay in bed.  It was the kind of sensation
+with which I wake when I am going to cross the Channel, only it did not
+make me rush to my window to see how much wind there was.  Nothing I
+have been told is easier in this life than to make a mountain out of a
+molehill, but in my short experience it is the wretched little
+molehills which upset me and not the great big things which sweep me
+away with them.  I would rather have to fight one mountain than two
+molehills any day, you get so much more sympathy after the struggle.
+But I must admit that it is not always easy to tell when people will
+sympathize with you, for I remember that my brother was once in a
+railway accident, and though he got nothing more than a slight jolt he
+was considered a hero for a long time, while, a few days later, I sat
+upon a pin and hurt myself quite badly, but was told by my nurse not to
+be silly.
+
+During that morning I had a most disagreeable experience.  For the
+first time in my life I was conscious that I had done something for
+which there was not the least shadow of an excuse, and I found myself
+trying to guess what my feelings would have been had I been a winner
+instead of a loser at roulette.  There is nothing very profitable in
+trying to imagine what would have happened if things had turned out
+differently, at the best it is a waste of time, but all the same it is
+a game which I, and others I know, play very often.  I came to the
+conclusion that had I won I should have been rather pleased with
+myself, it is so easy to excuse oneself for winning money, while losing
+it seems to be foolishly immoral.  I made no resolutions for the
+future, because on the few occasions I have tried to fortify myself in
+that way, something has occurred to upset me, and Mr. Sandyman, who was
+my housemaster at Cliborough and very wise, told me once that the
+weaker the man the more frequent his resolutions.  He did not believe
+so much in pledges and promises as in a boy's honour; if a boy had not
+a sense of honour no promise on earth could be of any real use to him.
+
+I wished that I had Mr. Sandyman to advise me, but if I had been able
+to go to him I do not suppose I should have gone, for although I was
+ashamed of myself, I did not think that I had committed any great
+offence.  I had just been a fool, and with that decision from which,
+odd as it may seem, I derived great satisfaction, I passed on to the
+next thing which was bothering me.
+
+I think it was Solomon who said there was safety in a multitude of
+counsellors, and I wonder what he would have said about a multitude of
+friends, some of whom could not bear the sight of the others.  Ward,
+hated Murray, and Foster hated Ward, Collier said he hated Dennison,
+and Dennison said Collier looked more like a pig than a human being.
+Lambert confided to me that there was hardly a man at St. Cuthbert's
+whom he would care to introduce to his sister, but as he said the same
+thing to Ward, Dennison and Collier, leaving each of them with the
+impression that he was the one man who was considered worthy of an
+introduction, it was no use to take any notice of Lambert.  I condoled
+with him on having such a remarkably exclusive sister, but he did not
+take my sympathy in the proper spirit.
+
+My friends were most certainly getting out of hand.  In St. Cuthbert's,
+Murray was the most sensible of the lot, because he enjoyed himself in
+a steady sort of way, saw the humorous side of everything and went to
+bed in decent time.  I knew just where I was with Murray, he was always
+glad to see me in his rooms, and he kept his opinions about Ward and
+Dennison to himself, unless I simply pumped them out of him.  No one
+who did not object to fat men because they were fat could help liking
+Collier, he was so comfortable and peaceful, and Lambert, with his
+magnificent opinion of himself, which he expressed frequently in a
+half-comical, half-serious fashion, was to me more like a man on the
+stage than an ordinary undergraduate.  From morning to night Lambert
+was self-conscious, even at the wine, when he was sitting on the floor
+with Webb, he did not forget to shoot down his cuffs.  I have already
+said that Dennison played the piano, he was also considered a wit, and
+fired off things which Lambert said were epigrams, but Collier, who was
+full of curious information, declared that most of them were adapted
+from the Book of Proverbs.  However that may be, Dennison had a
+reputation as a conversationalist, which meant that he wanted to talk
+all the time.  He bored me terribly.
+
+But the man who really worried me was Ward.  At first I had thought
+that he merely wanted to amuse himself, and did not care what he did as
+long as he got some fun out of it.  He did not seem to trouble what men
+he knew if they were useful to him, and having come to that conclusion
+about him, I felt that as far as he and I were concerned there was
+nothing else to bother about.  It was not any wonder to me that Foster,
+who only knew him slightly, disliked him most vigorously, but when Ward
+came, asking me to take my money back and showing all the best side of
+his nature, he gave me more to think about than I wanted.  An entirely
+different man had appeared, acknowledging himself a gambler, and not
+pretending to be sorry--for which I liked him--but with qualities which
+I had never suspected.
+
+So occupied was I in wondering how I could persuade Foster to change
+his opinion of Ward that I forgot the day was Sunday, and that I had
+intended to go to morning chapel and write some letters at the Union.
+It was nearly twelve o'clock when Foster came into my rooms and said he
+had been waiting for me at Oriel until he was tired of doing nothing.
+He seemed to be rather angry, but soon cooled down when he saw me
+hurrying up to get ready, and even proposed that we should give up our
+walk and just lounge round the Parks.  But I did not feel as if
+lounging would do for me, and I told him that I knew a splendid little
+inn about six miles off, where we could get luncheon.  He did not need
+much persuasion, and we went down Brasenose lane and the High as if we
+had never lounged in our lives.  But before we got to the turning to
+Iffley we had begun to walk at a speed which did not altogether prevent
+conversation.
+
+I think I must have been setting the pace, because I had a great deal
+to say to Fred, and did not know exactly how to begin.  He was the
+greatest friend I had, and I wanted him to like Ward, but I knew that
+when once he had made up his mind about people he very seldom changed
+it.  He had liked nearly everybody at Cliborough, but when he disliked
+anybody there was something rather huge in the way he had nothing to do
+with them.  And he had a habit, which would have annoyed me in any one
+else, of being nearly always right.  It was such a complete change for
+him to come from Cliborough, where he was easily the most important boy
+in the school, to Oxford, where he was practically nobody at all, that
+I wondered how he would like it.  So many freshers who have been
+important at school think they can bring their importance with them,
+but they make the very greatest mistake.  A fresher who thinks a lot of
+himself, and lets other men know that he does, is not likely to do
+anything but get in his own way.  Foster never had put on any side, but
+he had been accustomed to manage things at Cliborough, and I asked him
+how he liked being nobody again, as he had been when he first went to
+school.
+
+He did not answer me at once, and I had a suspicion that he did not
+care about the change, but I was wrong.
+
+"I like it," he said at last; "there is no bother and fuss, and I like
+beginning again and being sworn at when I miss the ball.  I want to get
+my blue most awfully, but I don't suppose I have got the ghost of a
+chance; I never pass at the right time, and everybody here seems to me
+to be always off-side."
+
+I assured him that he must have a chance for his blue or he would not
+have played so often.
+
+"They look more and more sick with me every time," he answered, "and
+each match I play in I expect to be the last.  The only thing which
+riles me is that you never know what they think about you, and the
+fellow who writes the Oxford notes for _The Globe_ said last week that
+the 'Varsity XV. must be badly off if they could not find a better
+three-quarter than the Cliborough fresher, or some rot of that kind.
+All the men at Oriel who know about things are either cricket or soccer
+blues, so I don't hear much about rugger there, though every one is
+nice enough and wants me to get into the XV."
+
+"Doesn't Adamson ever speak to you?" I asked, for he was captain of the
+'Varsity XV.
+
+"Yes, but it is generally to tell me not to do something.  He is an
+'internatter,' you see, and I don't think he ever forgets it, he seems
+to me to stick on more side than any one I have ever met.  Most of the
+men are all right, but Adamson is a first-class bounder."
+
+"He swore at me pretty freely in the Freshers' match," I said.
+
+"I heard him," Foster returned, "but although you played abominably
+then, you are really much better than Sykes of Merton, who has been
+playing back for the 'Varsity lately.  He does the most awful things."
+
+"He can't be worse than I am.  I now play three-quarters and am
+thinking of chucking the game altogether.  It is such a horrid grind."
+
+"Don't be an idiot, they are bound to spot you here sooner or later,"
+Foster said, but he knew as well as I did that I could never stop
+playing any game just because it was too much trouble.
+
+"I have made an idiot of myself, already," I replied; and then I told
+him all that had been happening at St. Cuthbert's during the last few
+days.  I made out myself a bigger fool than I really had been, because
+I wanted to show him that Ward was a much better fellow than he thought.
+
+"You have a real gift for getting into rows," he said, when I had
+finished; "you seem to have got all the dons on your track already."
+
+"That doesn't worry me," I answered.  "I have only got to work and keep
+quiet, and the Subby will think I am as like a machine as he is."
+
+"And you have made up your mind to work?"
+
+"I mean to do a reasonable amount," I replied cautiously.
+
+"It is most awfully difficult to work.  I have done precious little,
+and I went fast asleep at a lecture the other morning."
+
+"What was it about?"
+
+"Logic."
+
+"Oh, that's nothing," I assured him.  "I started cutting my logic
+lectures altogether until I got dropped on.  I didn't understand a word
+the man was saying.  There is heaps of time to work, Mods are nearly a
+year and a half off.  What do you think of Ward, after the thing that
+happened last night?"
+
+I had to plunge right at it, for Foster had not said a word after I had
+told him Ward wanted to give me back my money.
+
+"Don't let us talk about Ward," Foster answered, "you know I don't like
+him."
+
+"I knew you didn't like him," I corrected, for I thought that what I
+had said ought to make a difference.
+
+"You seem to be egging me on to swear at you, so that you may laugh."
+
+"Oh, skittles," I exclaimed.
+
+"You know perfectly well that you can't afford to gamble."
+
+"That has nothing to do with it, because I am not going to gamble, Jack
+Ward himself asked me not to play roulette."
+
+"But Ward belongs to a gambling set----"
+
+"I suppose he can please himself about that," I retorted, and it was
+not altogether wise of me.
+
+"And you will always be hearing racing 'shop,' and how much somebody
+won, nobody ever talks about their losses until they are stone-broke."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"Your father told me," was the answer, and instead of having got him
+into a hole I was badly scored off.
+
+"Everybody has something nasty in him somewhere, Balzac said so, and he
+was the sort of chap who knew; if we were all perfect this wouldn't be
+earth," I said.
+
+"By Jove, you have been thinking a lot," Foster replied, and he stood
+still in the road and laughed until I was very annoyed, for I have
+heard other people make remarks of that kind without any one else
+smiling.
+
+"It is no use talking seriously to you," I said.
+
+"Platitudes are not your line," he answered, and we were as far off
+settling about Ward as ever.  I returned, however, to the main question
+with energy, for it seemed to me to be most important that these two
+men should not hate each other, if they were to be my friends.  The
+gods did not endow me with tact, but they gave me so much courage that
+in a short time I can make any situation either very much better or
+very much worse.  My mother once took in a paper which contained a Tact
+Problem every week, and she asked my sister and me to write down
+solutions and see if they were right; mine were wrong five times
+consecutively, so I gave up that competition, though in a negative sort
+of way I should have been of assistance to any competitor.  I remember
+one of these wonderful problems was, 'At an evening party A tells B
+that C looks like a criminal.  Shortly afterwards A finds out that C is
+B's husband, what ought A to do?'  I said A ought to go and tell B that
+he liked criminals; but the answer was, 'A should do nothing.'  I think
+it was that problem which persuaded me that I was wasting my time, I
+thought it too stupid for words.
+
+I explained to Foster how difficult it would be for me if he would not
+change his opinion of Ward, and I talked so much that he said I had
+persuaded him that Ward was all right, but I had a kind of feeling that
+he said it for the sake of peace.  The day was very warm for November,
+and at the end of six miles Foster was not so inclined to resist my
+avalanche of words as he was when we left Oxford.  But I knew that
+having once said he would try to be friends with Ward, I could rely
+upon him.  What he could not understand was the reason why I was so
+anxious for him to try, why in short I liked Ward, but I could not
+explain that; for if you once start explaining why you are friends with
+a man it seems to me to be half-way towards making excuses for
+yourself, and should you begin doing that you had better not have any
+friends, since those who know you the best will like you the least.  I
+have a faculty for liking a large number of people, but if I had to
+give reasons why I liked most of them I should be terribly puzzled.
+You cannot, it seems to me, reduce friendship to a formula, or if you
+can you would knock all the fun out of it.
+
+This was my second visit to the little inn at Sampford, and as soon as
+we got there I interviewed the landlord and engaged the sitting-room on
+the ground floor.  Foster threw himself upon the sofa and picked up the
+book in which visitors write their names and exercise their humour, but
+I was so hot that I opened the French windows which led into the garden
+and went out.  Only a fortnight before the garden had been full enough
+of flowers to satisfy me, but the wind and rain had beaten down
+everything, and in spite of the sun it looked bare and desolate.  I
+walked across the lawn to a little arbour and surprised two belated
+beanfeasters and their ladies.  In appearance the men were aggressive,
+their hats were on the backs of their heads, and enormous
+chrysanthemums bulged from their buttonholes, and must, I should think,
+have been a source of constant irritation to their chins.  The girls
+giggled when they saw me, and one of the men asked me what I wanted.  I
+told him I was looking for a comfortable place in which to sit down and
+that he seemed to have found it first.  The girls giggled again and the
+men swore; it was a most commonplace scene.  I went back across the
+lawn and was just going to join Foster, when I heard a tremendous burst
+of laughter from the room above ours.  There was only one man who could
+laugh like that and he was Jack Ward.  At that moment I wished him
+anywhere, for I guessed quite rightly that he had driven over to
+Sampford with some men whose luncheon would not consist of cold beef
+and beer.
+
+I hoped to goodness we should get away without Foster seeing them, so I
+began to eat without saying anything, except that there was a most vile
+noise up-stairs.  I need not have troubled to say so much since Foster
+was not deaf.  I ate my luncheon hurriedly and gulped down my beer so
+fast that something went wrong with my wind-pipe.  To the accompaniment
+of my coughs and peals of laughter from the room above, Fred sat eating
+with a comical expression of misery upon his face.
+
+"Rowdy brutes," he said, and pointed to the ceiling.
+
+I tried to answer, but failed.
+
+"I should think they will get kicked out in a minute," he continued.
+"Aren't you going to have any pickles?"
+
+"The room's so horribly stuffy," I managed to say; "I vote we go when
+you are ready."
+
+"We've only just come.  I haven't nearly done yet, and I am going to
+have a smoke when I've finished."
+
+I resigned myself to the situation and seized the pickles; there was
+only one left and that was an onion.  The noise increased and a huge
+piece of bread fell on the lawn in front of our window.
+
+"Bloods always throw bread at each other, don't they?" he asked.
+
+"I don't suppose they are any worse than anybody else," I answered;
+"there is not much harm in a bread pellet."
+
+"That thing out there is half a loaf," he returned, "and at any rate
+they make a fairly bad row," which were statements I could not deny.
+
+We heard a man go heavily up-stairs and knock at the door.  He was
+received with clamorous approval, but after a little conversation the
+noise ceased and there was a most refreshing calm.  I had hopes that
+nothing more was going to happen, so I sat down by the fire and lit a
+cigarette.  For ten minutes Fred and I were not interrupted, but I had
+already recognized the voices of Bunny Langham and Dennison, and I
+might have guessed that there was not likely to be much peace.  Our
+windows were wide open, and presently I began to hear a kind of choked
+laughter going on at the window above.  What was happening I did not
+know, but I suspected that some fresh game had begun and I wanted very
+much to know what it was.  I did not, however, wish them to see me nor
+was I anxious for Fred to see them, so I suggested that we should start
+back to Oxford.  Fred agreed to this, and getting up from his chair he
+walked out into the garden.  No sooner was he on the lawn than I saw
+him jump like a hare and put his hand up to his neck.  At the same
+moment the beanfeasters rushed out of their arbour and fairly went for
+him.  While this happened I was standing at the window wondering how I
+could persuade him to come back into the room, but as soon as I saw
+these two aggressive-looking men, not to mention their ladies, talking
+to him in most bellicose language, I went out.  One of them at once
+caught hold of me by the coat and spoke so fast and strangely that I
+did not altogether understand what he was saying.  He mentioned the
+name of Susan a great many times, and when he had finished tugging at
+my coat I asked him if there was anything the matter with the lady.
+
+"Look at 'er," he said; "just look at 'er.  I'm a respectable married
+man, married, last Thursday as ever was, and I'll 'ave compensation for
+this as sure as my name's Tom 'Arrison."
+
+I did not want to hear any more of his autobiography, so I looked at
+the lady pointed out as Susan.  I couldn't see much of her face because
+she had her hand over it, but I did not think they were an ill-assorted
+couple.
+
+"Has she been stung by a wasp?" I asked.  "A blue-bag----"
+
+"Look 'ere," the man interrupted and caught me again by the coat, "none
+of your bloomin' innocence.  You spied us out in that 'ere arbour, and
+'ave been peppering us with peas for the last ever so long, and one of
+you 'as 'it Susan sock in the eye.  Enough to make 'er an object for a
+fortnight, and us newly married.  Where, I should like to know, do I
+come in?" and I had great difficulty in wriggling his hand away from my
+coat.  The man made me angry, and I told him I hadn't the least notion
+where he came in, but if he thought we were big enough babies to use
+peashooters he was jolly well mistaken.  I looked round at Foster and
+found that he was being talked at by the remaining couple, who also
+looked as if they were newly married.  I heard the word Bella, and saw
+the lady so called endeavouring to draw Foster's attention to a mark on
+her arm.  Susan stood in the middle of the lawn and wept; I felt quite
+sorry for her, but the other three were really an intolerable nuisance.
+Tom Harrison declared it was worth two pounds any day, that Susan's
+beauty was spoilt, and that everybody would say they had been fighting
+already.  I smiled when he said "already," and for a moment I thought
+he was going to hit me.  He thought better of it, however, and I
+concluded that if he had intended to fight he would have begun then, so
+I turned my back upon him and looked at the window up-stairs.  There
+was not a sound coming from the room, and as I turned again to attend
+to Harrison I heard hoots of laughter, and a dog-cart passed along the
+road which skirted the garden.  As it went by I saw Jack Ward stand up
+on the back of the cart and look over the hedge.  When he saw what was
+happening he leant forward to speak to Bunny Langham, who was driving,
+and as they passed out of sight I thought that he was trying to get
+hold of the reins.
+
+The men went on talking; Susan wept steadily, and Bella said her arm
+was visibly swelling, and that she must have been hit by something far
+more dangerous than a pea.  They were not by any means interesting and
+I was glad to see the landlord coming from the house to join us.  He
+created the diversion of which we were badly in need, and Tom Harrison
+became more eloquent than ever.  But the landlord, as soon as he could
+make himself heard, was most thoroughly on the side of peace; he
+flourished his arms and declared, until I was weary, that a mistake had
+been made.  "These are not the gentlemen who shot at you.  Do they look
+like gentlemen who would use pea-shooters?"  I did not know what a man
+ought to look like who would not use a peashooter, but I did my best.
+
+"These are two nice quiet gentlemen," he went on; "took their food
+quite quiet."
+
+"And haven't paid for it yet," I interrupted; "how much is it?"
+
+"That will be a matter of half-a-crown each," he said, and I paid him.
+
+In the meantime Bella, who ought to have been watched, had walked into
+our sitting-room and found the visitors' book.  She returned
+triumphantly.  "I know one of their names, and that will be a deal more
+use than standing jawing here," she shouted.
+
+I looked at Foster inquiringly.  "I bought a blessed fountain pen
+yesterday and wanted to see if the thing would work," he explained; "it
+seems to have worked too well."
+
+"'F. L. Foster, Oriel College, Oxford,' in writing as easy to read as
+the newspaper.  Which of you two is it that writes just like me?"
+
+Foster solemnly took off his hat.
+
+"Then you, I guess, will 'ear more of this," Tom Harrison declared;
+"for the tale that it ain't you is a little too 'ot for us, isn't it?"
+
+Susan stopped wiping her eyes and joined in a chorus of assent.
+
+"I don't know what you expect to get," Foster said.
+
+"You needn't bother about that.  We know," Tom Harrison replied.
+
+After a little more conversation we started on our way back to Oxford,
+and as we left the garden I heard Tom Harrison say, "Two beers and two
+bottles of stout as quick as we can 'ave em; my throat's like a
+limekiln."  And considering the amount he had said at the top of his
+voice, I should think it was very likely true.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN
+
+Our walk was certainly not a success, in fact I was very sick of it
+before we reached Oxford, because I am no good at walking and cannot
+stride along at a steady pace.  And it also involved me in what, if
+real diplomatists will pardon me, I will call diplomacy, in which art
+or craft, or whatever the right name of it may be, I am most unskilled.
+I was on the point of telling Fred that I knew the party of peashooters
+when he, being in a much happier state of mind than he had been in the
+morning, began to talk about Jack Ward, and to say that I was very
+likely right about him, and that he was sure to be a nice kind of man
+when one got to know him.  Hearing this made me put off what I was
+going to say, and when I begin to postpone anything I am lost.  Second
+thoughts with me nearly always lead to trouble, however good they may
+be for other people.  I think I must have taken a fatherly interest in
+Ward, for what else it could have been which made me wish to shield him
+I do not know.  But I had seen him stand up in the dog-cart, and I
+thought he had recognized me and had tried to make Langham turn back,
+so I determined not to tell Fred anything until I had found out what
+really happened.  But I felt very uncomfortable, for I do hate keeping
+things dark, and when he went on to say that the pea-shooting people
+must have been unutterable bounders to go away and leave us in the
+lurch, I was again on the point of telling him that Ward was one of
+them, only he suddenly began to sing, which gave me time to think, and
+frightened two children who came round a corner of the road.  We were
+quite close to Broadmoor lunatic asylum at that moment, and Fred
+walking along with his hat in his hand might easily have been mistaken
+for some one else.  His mood had become most cheerful, and he said that
+he did not suppose Tom Harrison would ever be heard of again, and that
+the whole thing had been rather fun; but he added that he should like
+to tell the men who had been in the room above us what he thought of
+them.  He also told me that he had never known me so quiet, and when I
+continued to be silent he asked me if I was well, which annoyed me, for
+I am often asked that question when I do not happen to be talking, and
+in a lurking sort of way there seems to me to be something insulting
+about it.  I answered that I was thinking, which was quite true, but he
+only laughed and said I must have changed a lot lately.  I was quite
+tired of him before we separated in the High, and he was angry because
+I would not go to Oriel and have tea, but I felt that the day so far
+had been a hopeless failure, and I wanted to see Jack Ward.
+
+When I got back to my rooms at St. Cuthbert's my fire was nearly out
+and I saw two notes lying on the table, but could not find any matches
+to light my lamp.  I felt more gloomy than ever, and I was already
+feeling as if I had treated Fred most unfairly.  I might say that my
+end was all right, or I might declare that I meant well, which is
+another way of saying that I was a fool, and of the two I think the
+latter is the more correct.
+
+Murray had borrowed my matches and I spoke severely to him without
+producing any effect except amusement; whether I was thinking or angry
+the result seemed to be always the same--laughter, silly, idiotic
+chuckles.  I was in a very fair rage before I got my lamp to light, and
+I upset a large box of matches on the floor.  Murray came and helped to
+pick them up, and he bumped my nose with his head.  I felt sure that it
+was his fault and told him so, and he said I could jolly well pick up
+my own matches; so I apologized, for though my nose hurt there were a
+lot of matches still on the floor, and it was no use making my nose out
+worse than it was to spite my face.
+
+After that I read my notes, and they were not the usual invitations to
+breakfast, of which I had already received enough.  The first was to
+ask me to play for the twenty against the Rugger XV. in the Parks on
+the following Tuesday, and the second was from Miss Davenport to ask me
+to luncheon with the Warden on the same day.  These notes were more or
+less commands, but I neither felt very keen on playing for the XX. nor
+on lunching with the Warden.
+
+"I shall be glad when Tuesday is over," I said to Murray; "I have to
+lunch with the Warden."
+
+"I lunched there last Tuesday," he returned.
+
+"What was it like?"
+
+"Like no meal I have ever been at before.  Miss Davenport talked all
+the time and the Warden said precious little, but I was too afraid to
+listen to her for fear he might ask me something and I should not catch
+what he said.  Apart from saying 'yes' and 'no' and 'please' and 'thank
+you,' he only spoke once, and then it was the most extraordinarily long
+sentence I have ever heard.  It began about pork, which Miss Davenport
+said was more wholesome than people imagined, it went on about the
+Jews, and finished up with a tale about Nero.  He chuckled over his
+tale, but I didn't see much point in it, and Miss Davenport looked as
+if she had heard it before."
+
+"I know that tale, it's a chestnut; I can't remember it, but Nero
+behaved like a beast to a lot of Jews who came to see him in Rome.  The
+Warden oughtn't to tell old tales and then chuckle over them; besides,
+Nero was a brute."
+
+"I don't think that would make any difference to the Warden.  He
+terrifies me; I daren't say anything because I am sure he would
+remember that it was a stupid thing to say.  I felt as if I was a
+convict, and that if I spoke I should give myself away.  I can tell you
+it was something awful, and for all I know he may have expected me to
+say something."
+
+"Probably not," I replied; "I should think he hears far too many people
+jawing.  I hope he makes me feel like a convict, and then I shall
+behave myself all right, but a silence at a meal gives me fits."
+
+"Miss Davenport is never silent," Murray asserted.  "If she can talk
+about pork, you may guess she has plenty to say.  The Warden looks at
+her in a forgiving sort of way--as if he knows she is talking rot, but
+can't help herself."
+
+"They must be a funny pair.  You don't think I shall laugh, do you?" I
+asked.
+
+"I didn't feel like laughing.  I never thought of it in that way, but
+it couldn't strike you as being funny while you are there."
+
+"I don't know," I said; "I think I had better be ill on Tuesday." But
+then I remembered I had got to play footer, and I chucked the card over
+to Murray.
+
+"I've got to play in this thing, too.  The Warden kicks you out about
+two, so it will be all right.  You simply must go.  Where have you been
+to this afternoon?"
+
+"I walked to Sampford with Foster, and we had a row there with two men,
+not much of a row.  I must go and see Ward."  I jumped up, but the
+chapel bell began to ring, and I had to postpone seeing him.
+
+"I am all behind with my chapels and roll-calls," I said to Murray;
+"this will be my twenty-first, and five weeks of the term have gone."
+
+"I kept six chapels last week," Murray answered; "you will have to go
+hard to keep nineteen in three weeks."
+
+"I mean doing it and getting up very early in the morning.  I am going
+to reform," and I left him at the chapel door, for he, being a scholar,
+sat in the seats behind all of us who were commoners or exhibitioners.
+
+After chapel, at which the Regius Professor of Divinity preached and
+told us that Sunday luncheon parties were very wrong, I seized Ward and
+bore him off to his rooms, where we found Dennison sitting by the fire
+with his legs stuck up on the mantelpiece.  I wanted to see Ward alone,
+but Dennison had been at Sampford, so he did not matter much, though
+Ward with Dennison never seemed to be quite the same as he was without
+him.
+
+Dennison twisted round in his chair, and as soon as he saw me he began
+to talk.  "You ought to have been with us this afternoon," he said, "we
+had a most lovely rag.  Bunny Langham took us over to Sampford in his
+cart, and I had a peashooter."
+
+The loveliness of the rag was too much for him, and he had to stop his
+account of it so that he might laugh.  I looked at Ward, and although
+he did not appear to be very amused, he showed no signs of knowing that
+Foster and I had been at Sampford.
+
+"After lunch," Dennison went on, "I discovered some people in an
+arbour, the bill and coo business, and I fairly peppered them; I am no
+end of a shot with a peashooter."
+
+"You missed them about a dozen times," Ward put in.
+
+"Those were sighting shots, you must get your range, and they were
+about as far off as my shooter will carry; but I got them out of the
+place at last, and another fellow, Oxford written all over him, walked
+bang into them.  I gave him one on the neck and then we bolted.  It was
+a pity we couldn't stop and see what happened."
+
+"We ought to have stopped," Ward declared and disappeared into his
+bedroom.
+
+"I can tell you what happened," I said, and I lifted Dennison's legs
+off the mantelpiece and stood between him and the fire.  I had been
+angry before Dennison described Foster as having Oxford written all
+over him, but the cheek of labelling Fred as if he was some tailor's
+dummy made me furious.
+
+Dennison looked at me and then shouted for Ward.  "Marten can tell us
+what happened after we went, come and hear it."
+
+"Wait a second.  I am going to dine with Bunny at the Sceptre and am
+changing."
+
+In a minute he appeared and went on dressing.
+
+"I think you are the meanest lot of brutes unhung," I began, for I had
+been given time to think of something which would make Dennison see at
+once that this joke was not such a good one after all.  "Foster of
+Oriel was one of the men you bolted from, and I was the other, and the
+thing isn't ended yet, for they got Foster's name.  You hit one woman
+in the eye; do you think that very funny?"
+
+"Sheer bad luck," Dennison said, but he did not look quite as unruffled
+and smug as usual.
+
+Ward stood with his tie in his hand and did not say a word.  I knew
+already that he had wanted to go back when he saw that there was a row,
+and since he had neither recognized Foster nor me my wrath was
+concentrated upon Dennison.
+
+"You may call it what you like," I continued, "but if you get up a row
+and then haven't the pluck to see it out I call it a dirty thing to do."
+
+I thought that must be enough to rouse Dennison, but he actually smiled
+at me and told me to go on.
+
+"What do you think?" I asked Ward.
+
+"Of course I did not recognize you and Foster, but when I saw those
+people had buttoned on to the wrong man I said we ought to go back.  I
+wish that we had gone back," he answered.
+
+"What did they do?" Dennison inquired.
+
+"They found out Foster's name, and one of them, an awful man called Tom
+Harrison, says he is going to get compensation from him because you hit
+Susan in the eye with a pea and hadn't the decency to stay there and
+own up to it.  There's the dinner bell, and I'm about sick of you
+fellows."
+
+"I hit Susan in the eye," Dennison said reflectively.  "Was Susan Tom
+Harrison's inamorata?" he asked.
+
+"Talk English and I may answer you.  It doesn't matter a row of pins
+who Susan was as long as she has a black eye," I replied.
+
+"It is evidently no good speaking to you until you have calmed down.
+You remind me of a damp squib, all fuss and no result.  I am going to
+dinner," Dennison said, and went out of the room without looking at
+either Ward or myself.
+
+"I shall do something awful to that brute before I have finished with
+him.  He makes me mad," I said, and Ward walked across the room to me.
+
+"I am most horribly sorry about this," he began, "and I will come back
+straight from the Sceptre and see you.  Be in at nine o'clock."
+
+"You didn't shoot at those people, did you?" I asked.
+
+"No; but well, you see, Dennison is better than I am at getting in for
+a row, and I am better at getting out of it."
+
+"He's a low-down hound," I asserted, and after promising to be in at
+nine o'clock I seized my gown and went away.  As I went into the hall I
+met Collier, and during dinner I expressed my opinion of Dennison very
+freely.  There are times at Oxford when you regret most tremendously
+that you have left school, and this was one of them.
+
+"A fellow like that would be kicked at any decent school," I said.
+
+"He was kicked at Charbury until he managed to become a sort of blood.
+He played racquets very well," Collier added, as if by way of an excuse.
+
+"Why do we put up with him?" I asked viciously, for I could see him
+making Lambert and Webb shout with laughter at the table opposite me.
+
+"I don't know," Collier answered, "I suppose it's his smile.  What part
+of a fowl do you think this is? it looks to me like the neck."  He
+turned it over several times and then called a servant.  "Please take
+this back, and say I have to be very careful what I eat.  I keep a
+list, and this isn't on it.  I never saw that joint before," he added
+to me, and lost all interest in Dennison.  I thought it a pity that
+Collier took so much trouble over what he ate; the sight of that
+unusual joint made him quite silent and inattentive during the rest of
+the meal.
+
+I went to his rooms after dinner, as I felt sleepy, and he never did
+anything on Sunday except sleep, eat, and go to chapel.  His room was
+full of tinted literature, but I never saw him read it, and I believe
+he bought _The Sporting Times_ on Saturdays so that he could give it to
+any man who attacked him with conversation on his day of rest.  His
+table was covered by a most miscellaneous dessert, and I asked him if
+he expected a lot of men.
+
+"Not a soul," he replied, and sank into a chair by the fire.  "I have
+this every Sunday night, because my people pay my common-room bill, and
+I have to pay everything else out of my allowance.  They told me to do
+myself well, but after this term I expect they will see that this odd
+sort of arrangement won't work.  I can feed a regiment on almonds and
+raisins without it costing me a sou.  Help yourself to coffee, stick
+the dish of anchovy toast down between us, and if you want to read
+there are three Sunday papers and a crowd of old magazines."
+
+I sat by the fire and read four short stories to pass the time.
+Dennison poked his head into the room and withdrew it when he saw me.
+I congratulated myself upon that little incident, for I felt that if he
+understood how I hated the sight of him something would have been
+gained.  At nine o'clock I left Collier and went to my rooms to wait
+for Ward.  I did not expect him to be punctual, because I guessed that
+a dinner given by Bunny Langham would be difficult to leave.  He turned
+up, however, in about half-an-hour, and said he was jolly glad to get
+away from the Sceptre.  "Bunny's all right," he said, "but some of his
+friends are too much--even for me."
+
+I replied that Bunny was all wrong, and said why I thought so.
+
+"You don't know him," Ward explained; "he would never leave any one in
+a hole if he thought for a second.  He's the most good-natured, weak
+kind of man on earth, but he would never do the wrong thing.  He goes
+straight over a precious difficult country, for he hasn't got any more
+will than a rabbit and is as blind as a bat.  He will be in trouble to
+the end of his days, but he will never make any one ashamed of him."
+
+I thought this was rather a glorified conception of the Bunny I knew,
+so I said nothing.
+
+"You must see that he is a good sort," Ward said.
+
+"Everybody's a good sort," I answered impatiently.  "Collier calls the
+fellow with the green-baize apron who collects the boots a good sort,
+and some man I met at home, who talked about emperors and kings as if
+they were all his cousins, declared that the Sultan of Morocco was the
+best sort he had ever met--when one got to know him."
+
+"I don't wonder you are sick," he returned.  "I should be if any one
+had done to me what we did to you and Foster this afternoon.  It looks
+pretty rotten on the face of it, and I am as sorry as blazes that you
+had to have a row with those men."
+
+"I'm not sick about the row," I answered; "that would have been fun if
+they hadn't got Foster's name."
+
+Ward lay back in his chair, and tried to blow rings of smoke from his
+cigarette.
+
+"Then you are just angry because you think we ought to have come back,"
+he said.
+
+"No, I'm not," I replied, and I felt horribly uncomfortable.
+
+He looked most thoroughly puzzled.  "What on earth do you mean?" he
+asked.
+
+I got up and walked about the room before I spoke.  "It's this way," I
+began.  "I wanted you and Foster to like each other, because he is the
+greatest friend I have, and I like you.  And when I had been saying
+what a good fellow you were, you go and make a most infernal row in a
+pub on Sunday afternoon and then bolt.  I saw you in that confounded
+cart, and I ought to have told Foster that I knew you were the fellow
+who bolted.  But I didn't."
+
+Ward sat staring in front of him, and did not speak for some time.  "I
+don't think I could ever be friends with Foster," he said at last; "he
+hated me at sight; but it is deucedly good of you all the same.  I will
+write him a note and tell him I was the man.  I was going to do that,
+anyhow."
+
+"You weren't the man," I asserted; "it was that little brute, Dennison."
+
+"He doesn't count," Ward said.
+
+I was disposed to agree with him on that point, but I thought that he
+and I had better go round and see Foster in the morning, instead of
+writing a note.  He did not like this at first, but after some talking
+he said that he would come, and on the next morning we went round to
+Oriel.  We made Foster look a most awful idiot, but that could not be
+helped.  I know that if two men came to me simply bulging with
+apologies, I should look for the nearest window.
+
+Fred hardly said anything but "All right" and "For goodness' sake don't
+say a word more about it," but it showed that Ward was not as bad as he
+thought him.  I stayed behind after Ward had gone so that I might put
+things a little more straight, but Fred would not listen to another
+word.  "You were in a vile temper yesterday afternoon, and now I know
+the cause.  That's enough, so shut up.  You seem to have become a kind
+of guardian to Ward," and then he stopped suddenly, for it struck him
+that he had said one of those things which funny people say, and he
+would never have done that on purpose.  I assured him that I knew he
+had said it accidentally, but it stopped us talking about Ward,
+because, when you hate puns, it is most discomforting to make one
+suddenly.  I made a pun once--I can still remember it, because if I had
+performed this feat intentionally I should have deserved all I got.
+What I did get was a dig in the ribs from Collier and the remark, "You
+are a wag," and then I had to repeat it to his three cousins, one of
+whom was deaf and none of whom understood it, though they all laughed.
+It was a Latin pun.
+
+I am one of those people, Oliver Cromwell was another, to whom
+important things happened on a certain day.  Tuesday was my day, I
+forget which his was, but it does not matter, because it is to be found
+in histories and almanacs.  My day is not a matter of interest to
+anybody, but all the same I was born on a Tuesday, and things which I
+have had special reason to remember or regret have generally happened
+to me--so my mother says--on the same day.  And it was on a Tuesday
+that I lunched with the Warden and began a curious sort of friendship
+with him.  I suppose that I ought not to talk of a friendship between a
+man like the Warden, who was a mighty man of learning, and myself, but
+after all he gave me one of his books, and wrote in it, "To my young
+friend and quondam companion."  "Quondam" was rather a pity, perhaps;
+it sounds pedantic, and the Warden was no pedant, unless he wanted to
+snub people.
+
+I went to his luncheon, and, having neuralgia, said nothing until he
+told me that he knew Mr. Prettyman, who was one of the masters at
+Cliborough.  If the Warden knew Prettyman I guessed that he had also
+heard something about me, and I thought I might as well stick up for
+myself as far as possible, so I said that Mr. Prettyman was the sort of
+man who, when you had lost a thing, always asked you where you had put
+it.  He had on one occasion actually done this to me, and annoyed me
+very much.  The Warden took no notice of my remark, and I was left to
+my neuralgia until the end of the meal.  The other men who were there
+talked a lot; one of them said what he thought of Irving in _Hamlet_,
+and another criticized the paintings of Watts; the Warden kept his
+opinions to himself, and at two o'clock asked us what we were going to
+do in the afternoon.  All of us were bent on active employment, but
+just as I was leaving the dining-room, he called me back and asked me
+if I would go for a walk with him at three o'clock on the following
+Thursday afternoon.  I was too confused to remember what I said, and I
+only recollect that I left his house feeling as if something very awful
+was going to happen.  I changed to play for the XX. against the XV. in
+a kind of daymare, if there is a state of mind which can be so
+described, and I had a good deal to say to Murray, as we walked down to
+the Parks together, about my luck.  Murray laughed all the way from St.
+Cuthbert's to Keble; he kept on breaking out into small cackles, which,
+of all the bad ways of laughing, must be the worst.
+
+I started to play footer that afternoon without troubling to think how
+I should play.  I could see myself marching slowly along the Woodstock
+road with the Warden, and however badly I played did not seem to matter
+much, for there was something far more awful to come.  The XV. began to
+press at once, and I, as full-back, had plenty to do.  What I did was
+reckless; I simply did not care what happened, and everything I tried
+seemed to come off.  Everybody who plays games has an occasional day
+when things get twisted round, and it is easier to do right than wrong.
+Those are the days for which we live in hope, and one of mine came on
+that Tuesday.  I knew the whole thing was a fluke, and I told Murray
+and Foster so after the game, but they both said that I had given Sykes
+of Merton, who was playing back for the XV., something to think about.
+
+During the next day, visions of my blue floated before me, and the
+prospect of walking with the Warden lost its terrors, until I went
+round to see Fred on Thursday morning.  I wanted him to give me some
+hints, but I am sorry so say he saw only the humorous side of my
+engagement, and was very exasperating when he might have been extremely
+useful.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+A SURPRISE
+
+When I left my rooms to walk with the Warden, I imagined that every one
+I met was laughing at me, and being intensely on the alert for insults,
+I was very displeased with the butler when he came to the door, and
+surveyed me.  "What can you want with the Warden?" was written plainly
+over his face.  I have never met a man who could be more gravely
+condescending than the Warden's butler, and I know several first-class
+cricketers, two headmasters, a popular novelist, and a rising
+politician aged twenty-four.  I should have enjoyed telling that man
+what I thought of him, but a doorstep is a poor place for an
+altercation, unless it is with a cabman, and I saw the Warden advancing
+upon me clad in a cloak, and carrying a most useful umbrella, which
+must have been rolled up by himself.
+
+The appearance of the Warden might have surprised any one, but it could
+have impressed nobody.  You had to know that he was a Warden, and wrote
+books about religion and philosophy, before you could feel afraid of
+him.  If he was a precisian in the choice of words, he certainly was
+not one in the matter of dress.
+
+"I think," he said, with just a glance at me to see if I was the right
+man, "that we will enter the Parks by the gates opposite to Keble
+College; we shall be more or less interrupted by the noisy, if
+necessary, shouts of football players, but we shall escape the
+authoritative note of the bicycle bell."
+
+There wasn't much that I could say in answer to this, so I walked down
+the Broad in silence, and tried in vain to keep step with my companion.
+Before we had reached Wadham his shuffle had got upon my nerves, and I
+wished furiously that he would say something to me.  He seemed to have
+tucked his head into his neck, and to have retired into the world of
+contemplation.  As we entered the Parks I was seized with a wild desire
+to run away.  I had not uttered a word, and I had arrived at a state of
+mind which prompted me to give a terrific yell, just to see what would
+happen next.  When I feel like that I must speak at least, so I said
+that it looked as if it might rain.  It is not likely that I should
+have made such a remark if I could have thought of any other, and it
+had the merit of not being startling and also of being true.  But if I
+had given the yell which I wished to give, I could not have produced a
+greater effect upon the Warden.  I think that he had forgotten my
+existence, and for a moment he could not remember why I was with him.
+He poked his head forward, and looked at me until I regretted my effort
+at conversation, and was dreadfully afraid I should have to repeat it;
+a remark about the weather in some way or other seems to lose all its
+sparkle when it is repeated.
+
+The Warden, however, had heard what I said, and when he had detached
+himself from whatever he was thinking about, he answered me.
+
+"I am not one of those who pretend to any extraordinary knowledge of
+weather symptoms," he began, and he stood in the middle of the path,
+while a gardener leant on his spade and watched us; "indeed, I have
+often noticed that those who make the greatest pretensions of that kind
+are themselves most frequently mistaken.  In fact, my friend Dr.
+Marshall, who wrote the meteorological reports for _The Times_
+newspaper, was frequently himself in doubt whether or no to take out an
+umbrella for a walk."
+
+I did not venture to interrupt him again for some time, and my next
+outbreak was quite unpremeditated.  We were passing a college rugger
+match, and a pass which was palpably forward escaped the notice of the
+referee.  I joined in the cry of "forward" which was raised, and the
+Warden stopped once more and actually smiled.  On this occasion I had
+forgotten all about him, and my shout probably surprised him as much as
+me.
+
+"I am sorry," I said to him, "but I really couldn't help it."
+
+"There is no occasion to express or even to feel regret," he answered,
+and his eyes twinkled delightfully; "if youth lost its spontaneity it
+would at one and the same moment lose its charm.  Did your cry refer to
+this?"  He pointed with his umbrella to a scrimmage which was taking
+place a few yards away from us.
+
+"Some one threw the ball forward, which he is not allowed to do," I
+explained, and a man was hurled into touch close to the spot where we
+were standing.
+
+"The game of football which I believe bears the honoured name of Rugby
+appeals, or it seems to me to appeal, to the more violent of the
+emotions.  Do you play this game, which strikes the eye of the
+observant, but not initiated, as the relic of an age in which brute
+force rather than science was the aim of the athlete?"
+
+He walked on as he finished speaking, and I told him that I played
+Rugby football and liked it.  "I like nearly every game," I added.
+
+He glanced at me quickly, and after we had walked a little way he began
+again.
+
+"The excellent Lord Chesterfield in his _Letters_ stated that it was
+very disagreeable to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to be so;
+most of my young friends impress me with the fact that they have
+learned that maxim too well.  But you on the contrary----" He waved his
+umbrella and did not finish the sentence.
+
+"There is no harm in liking games," I answered; "if I did not take
+heaps of exercise I should never be well, or able to read."
+
+"Heaps of exercise," he repeated, and looked oddly at me.
+
+"I mean a fearful lot of exercise," I explained.
+
+"You did not quote 'Mens sana in corpore sano,' for which I have to
+thank you, even if your use of the English language affords reasonable
+grounds for protest.  Heaps of mud, heaps of rubbish, but not, I think,
+heaps of exercise."
+
+"Heaps of money," I ventured to suggest, but he shook his head sadly.
+
+"We were talking of athletics," he said, "which represent to me the
+most sweeping epidemic of the century.  Do not let athletics spread
+their deadly, if in one sense empurpling, pall over your University
+life.  Oxford has many gifts for those who are willing to receive them;
+do not, my friend, be content with the least which she can give.  The
+maxim of Mr. Browning, that the grasp of a man should exceed his reach,
+if not an ennobling maxim, must not be forgotten entirely."
+
+I walked by his side in silence, for I knew that the Warden did not
+often give advice to an undergraduate.  His language even seemed to
+have become less carefully chosen, and I felt that he intended to be
+not only human but kind, for there was no special reason why he should
+talk to me unless he wished.
+
+He did not speak again until we reached St. Cuthbert's, but when we had
+reached the back quadrangle he stopped, and after poking the ground
+with his umbrella, said--
+
+"I would do nothing willingly to lessen your enthusiasm, you have, I
+believe, been endowed liberally with that most exhilarating virtue; I
+would only suggest to you that your enthusiasm need not of necessity be
+expended solely upon athletics.  I hope that we shall be able to enjoy
+very many walks together."
+
+I thrust out my hand, but he hesitated; I forgot that I had nearly made
+him shout with pain a few weeks before, but he, as far as I know, never
+forgot anything.  He trusted me, however, and I treated him very gently.
+
+As soon as the Warden had disappeared into his house I heard a bellow
+of derisive laughter at a window above me, and looking up I saw
+Dennison standing there; but at that moment I hated him even more than
+I did usually, and I walked off to see Jack Ward without even saying
+what I thought of him.
+
+Jack was having a bath when I got to his rooms, and while he was
+dressing he told me how he had been spending the afternoon.  I never
+knew what he might do next--he flew off at tangents so often--but I was
+surprised to hear how he had been employing himself.
+
+"Perhaps you will think me a fool," he began, "but that Tom Harrison
+affair gave me the jumps, and I couldn't wait to see if Foster was
+going to be tackled.  So I rode over to Sampford, and the man said that
+Harrison lived in a village a few miles off.  I had lunch at Sampford
+and then went on, and, to cut it short, the whole thing is settled."
+
+"You paid?"
+
+"Not very much; and Tom said I was the first gentleman he had ever
+known come from Oxford--you must pay for a remark like that.  He
+described us as 'bloomin' 'aughty,' and 'not enough brass to buy a
+moke.'  Do you know that you are playing for the 'Varsity on Saturday
+against Blackheath?  I want to go up to town, so I shall come and see
+you play."
+
+I thought that he was trying to prevent me from thanking him, and I did
+not really believe that I was going to play until he took his oath that
+I was.  Then we had tea, and I thanked him; for if there is one thing
+in the world of which I will not be baulked it is thanking people.  I
+hate doing it so much, that it has got to be done.  Jack, however, did
+not pretend to listen to what I said, and after I had finished we
+talked about Dennison; both of us were sick to death of him, but when
+you are always meeting a man in other people's rooms, and he won't see
+that you don't like him, it is not very easy to get rid of him; for
+when you are a fresher you can't choose your friends so easily as you
+can when your first year is over.
+
+After dinner Fred came round to tell me that we were both playing
+against Blackheath, and as Jack came in as well, I said that I would
+get another man to play whist.  I went to Murray, because I was most
+anxious that he should be friends with Jack; but I did not tell him
+that Jack was one of the four, or I am sure that he would not have
+come.  I liked both Murray and Jack, and I thought that when I got them
+together each would see what a nice man the other was, for I was again
+in the mood when everything seems to be easy.  But I cannot say that my
+efforts were successful; their politeness knocked every spark of
+cheeriness out of the game, and we played in dreadful silence, which
+may be all right for very good players, but it does not suit me in the
+least.
+
+When Murray looked at his watch and said that he must be going, I felt
+quite relieved, and I decided then that I would stop trying to make
+Murray and Jack like each other, for the process was too painful and
+slow for me.
+
+After he had gone I told Foster what Ward had been doing, and it was
+really quite funny to see how confused they were.  Fred said how good
+it was of Ward to have taken so much bother about nothing, which was
+not quite what he meant, but it did very well; and Ward mumbled
+something in reply, which neither of us could hear.  Altogether they
+managed it most successfully, and when Fred went away Ward said that he
+would see him to the lodge.  I found out afterwards that he stopped me
+going with Fred, so that he might tell him nothing would have happened
+if he had not seen Tom Harrison; he was the kind of man who never tried
+to get more credit than he deserved, unless it was from Oxford
+tradesmen.
+
+Playing against Blackheath on the Rectory field before a large crowd of
+people was good fun, and at the end of the game I thought that I had
+managed to escape without making a very pitiable exhibition of myself.
+But on the following Monday the sporting papers criticized me most
+unpleasantly.  "Marten was obviously nervous, and did not seem to
+settle down until the game was lost."  "As full-back Marten had much to
+learn; his tackling was good, but his kicking left much to be desired,
+and he seldom found touch."   I turned from _The Sportsman_ and
+_Sporting Life_ to _The Daily Telegraph_, and found that I had shown
+"more pluck than judgment."
+
+I felt that Sykes of Merton must be having an enjoyable morning, and
+even the fact that the critics unanimously praised Foster was of little
+assistance to me.  My chance had come, and I had not taken it; there
+could not have been a more miserable man in Oxford, and for a whole
+solid week I never cut a lecture or did anything of which even Mr.
+Edwardes could disapprove.
+
+Sykes reappeared in the 'Varsity team, and Foster declared that the
+whole thing was a swindle; but he was more prejudiced in my favour than
+I was myself.  The last match of the term at Oxford, and the one
+previous to the 'Varsity match, was against the Old Cliburians, and the
+O. C.s having had a disastrous season Adamson, who always played centre
+three-quarters with Foster, did not play, but put a man from Queen's in
+his place.  This man, whose name was Pott, had been laid up all the
+term, and two or three people said it was lucky for Foster that Pott
+had not been able to play before.  I played back for the O. C.s, and
+the game was enough to make any Cambridge man who saw it stand on his
+head with delight.  The 'Varsity could do nothing right; the passing
+broke down time after time, and the forwards got impatient and kicked
+too hard.  I thought Foster was the one man on the side who played
+decently, but five minutes before the end, when we were leading by a
+goal to nothing, Pott made a very good run and got a try in the corner.
+It seemed to me that this was the only thing he did during the whole
+game, and it was my fault that he got the try, for I went for him a
+second too late and he fell over the line, but the place-kick went
+crooked, and we won by a goal to a try.
+
+Adamson, who was touch-judging, said what he thought about the 'Varsity
+team, and he could be the most uncomplimentary man in Europe when he
+liked.  His temper was awful, and it did not seem to be improved by the
+use of expletives.  This game was played on a Saturday, and on the
+following Wednesday week we had to play the 'Varsity match at Queen's
+Club.  The Cambridge team was published in the papers on the Monday,
+but some one told me that our committee were not meeting until the
+Monday evening.  This did not interest me much, for apart from wanting
+to see that Fred had got his blue, and I thought he was a certainty, I
+did not mind who else was chosen.  Sykes had played better against the
+O. C.s than he had ever done before, and even Fred said that he was
+afraid my chance had gone for this year.
+
+After dinner on Monday evening I was sitting in my rooms with Murray,
+and although it was not nine o'clock, I was wondering how soon I could
+go to bed, when Ward suddenly burst in, fairly bubbling over with
+excitement.  He turned me right out of my chair, and hitting me
+violently on the back, said he had never been so awfully glad in all
+his life.  My first impression was that he had been made glad by wine,
+and I told him to clear out if he could not behave himself, which made
+him catch hold of me and dance me round the room.  By the time we had
+finished I found that Dennison, Collier, Lambert, Webb and a host of
+other people had come to my rooms, and at last I discovered that I had
+got my blue.  For a moment I did not believe it, but I managed to push
+Ward into a corner, and told him I would never speak to him again if it
+was not true.  Then he swore that he had seen the names of the XV. to
+play against Cambridge stuck up in the window of Howell's shop in the
+Turl, and the first name he saw was G. Marten (St. Cuthbert's), back.
+
+"And Foster, of course?" I said.
+
+Then Jack Ward's face fell.  "No, they've gone mad," he answered; "it's
+that man Potts, of Queen's."
+
+Men buzzed about congratulating me, and one part of me felt most
+tremendously glad, and the other part most outrageously sorry.  I said
+a lot of things about the committee, and everybody except Ward and
+Murray thought I had gone mad.  The college clock struck nine, and old
+Tom's nightly warning began to sound over the city.  I seized a cap and
+bolted down-stairs, leaving my rooms full of astonished men.  But Fred
+Foster was the only man I wanted to see, and by making a tremendous
+rush for Oriel I got there before the gates were closed.  I cannot
+describe how I was feeling that evening, but I knew that Fred was
+infinitely better at footer than I was, and in my wildest moments I had
+never imagined that I should be put in the XV. while he was left out of
+it.
+
+I found him sitting in his room alone, but directly he saw me he jumped
+up and began to talk.
+
+"I came to St. Cuthbert's to congratulate you," he began.
+
+"It is a confounded swindle," I interrupted.
+
+"But there was such a row in your rooms that I couldn't face it."
+
+"I have never been so sick about anything in my life," I said; and he
+looked so miserable that in spite of the comfortable sensation of
+having got my blue I meant it.
+
+"It was a vile knock for me, but I don't mind half so much now one of
+us is in.  Your people will be most awfully glad."
+
+"They will think the committee are mad to leave you out and put me in.
+It upsets things altogether."
+
+"Pott's in his fourth year, and I must have another shot, that's all,"
+he said.
+
+"You are bound to get your cricket blue," I declared.
+
+"When a man begins to miss getting in as I have done, he very often
+keeps on doing it," and he mentioned the names of two or three men who,
+with any luck, would have played both cricket and footer against
+Cambridge, but were never chosen.  "Don't bother about me," he went on,
+"but get yourself as fit as possible, and play like blazes at Queen's
+Club; you will be doing me a good turn if you play well, because at
+present they have got an idea up here that Cliborough fellows can't
+play footer.  I heard Adamson saying so."
+
+I expressed my opinion of Adamson and went back to college, for I ought
+not to have been out after nine o'clock, because my gating would not
+finish.  But I must say that when the Subby sent for me, and I
+explained what had happened, he congratulated me on getting my blue,
+and said that under such exceptional circumstances he would excuse my
+forgetfulness.
+
+For the next few days I got up and went to bed very early; I ran round
+the Parks before breakfast, which took me some time and was a most
+dreary occupation, and I kicked a ball about nearly every day.  All of
+my people went up to town for the match, and Fred and I joined them at
+the Langham on the Tuesday night.  My mother was dreadfully sorry for
+Fred, and Nina seemed to have forgotten that she was nearly grown-up,
+and gave herself no airs at all.  I think that Fred, who forgave
+swindles very quickly, found some consolation in the fact that he was
+going to watch the match with Nina, which would have amused me had I
+not been so anxious about the morrow.
+
+There cannot be a more cheerless spot in London than the Queen's Club
+on a foggy December afternoon, but when I arrived there and found that
+we had got to play in semi-darkness my nervousness almost disappeared.
+
+After being photographed, and running about the ground to stretch our
+legs, we began, and for some time I should not think a full-back ever
+had less to do than I had.  The game settled down into one long
+scrimmage, and apart from making a few kicks, which were neither good
+nor bad, I was almost a spectator, and at half-time I was, in
+comparison with every one else, quite disgustingly clean.  We played
+towards the pavilion during the second half, and before ten minutes had
+passed I was covered with mud, if not with glory.  The Cambridge
+three-quarters got the ball, and after a round of passing one of them
+got a try right behind our posts.  Adamson promptly told me that it was
+my fault, but as a matter of fact Pott had slipped up at a critical
+moment and left his man unmarked, so I did not get much chance of
+preventing the try.
+
+After this Cambridge pressed us hard, and I had to fall on the ball
+continually, which is a dismal performance until one gets warmed up to
+it.  Pott's knee had given way, and though he stayed on the ground and
+limped about, the Cambridge forwards seemed to be always rushing past
+him and hurling me to the ground.  Luck, however, was on our side, and
+though they were often on the point of scoring nothing really happened,
+and at last our forwards got the ball down to the other end of the
+ground.  I hoped for a little peace, but the man who plays full-back
+and expects such a thing is an idiot.  Only a few minutes were left
+when the Cambridge three-quarters got off again, and, Pott being
+useless, two men came at top speed for me.  Their centre had the ball,
+and had only to throw it to the wing man for a try to be a certainty.
+The wing man was an international and about the fastest three-quarter
+in Scotland, so I tried a little device, which was bad football, though
+in this case it came off.  My only chance was for the centre man to
+lose his head, and he lost it quite beautifully; if he had only gone on
+himself instead of trying to pass there was nobody to stop him, for I
+had made up my mind to prevent the fast man getting the ball whatever
+happened.  I ran in between them, and the centre passed right into my
+hands; at the same moment the wing man slipped up, and I was going for
+the Cambridge line as fast as I could.  No one being near me I think
+that I made one of the fastest runs of my life, but not having been
+blessed with speed I had to pass at last, and I happened to make quite
+a good shot, for one of our halves got the ball and ran in behind the
+posts.  Adamson kicked the goal all right, and the game ended in a draw
+directly afterwards.
+
+I don't mind saying that as I walked off the ground I should have been
+glad if there had been less fog; I had suffered so much after the
+Cambridge try, that I should have been pleased if everybody had seen
+the finish; but after all Fred had managed to discover what had
+happened, and if there had not been a fog, I expect I should not have
+tried to intercept that pass, for it would have looked quite awful if I
+had not happened to do it.  All kinds of people congratulated me, and
+Adamson was good enough to acknowledge that I had atoned for my
+previous mistake; but I could not help wondering what he would have
+said if the Cambridge man had not happened to make such a bad pass.
+There was a condescension about Adamson which roused my worst passions,
+for of all the blues I have seen he was the only one who ever took an
+insane delight in himself, and unfortunately he belonged to a college
+which so seldom had a blue, that when they did get one they almost
+worshipped him.
+
+After the game was over I went back to the Langham, for Fred and I had
+arranged to go to a theatre with Jack Ward; but I have only the vaguest
+idea of the performance I watched.  I had slept badly the night before,
+and now that the match was over, nothing could keep me awake, so I had
+to be given up as hopeless, though Fred gave me an occasional dig with
+his elbow just to keep me from snoring.  By the time the play was over
+I was properly awake again, and so satisfied with myself, that when I
+met Dennison going out of the theatre I was even glad to see him.
+
+"Ward told me you were coming here," he said.  "What are you going to
+do now?"
+
+"Going home, I suppose," I answered; but I cannot say that I cared much
+where I went.
+
+"Let's go to the Parma, there is sure to be a rag on there," he said to
+Jack, and after some discussion we walked down Shaftesbury Avenue.
+
+I think the air of the town must have got into Dennison's head, for I
+had not walked far before I was in more than my usual state of rage
+with him.  He ordered us about most abominably, and seemed to think
+that I was sure to lose my way unless I kept close to him.  As a matter
+of fact, neither Fred nor I knew London well, but I resented being
+treated like an infant, and if Dennison only looked after us out of
+kindness, I did not see why he should do it at the top of his voice.  I
+had an inexplicable feeling that it was the duty of every one to know
+something about London, and although I should not have recognized
+Piccadilly Circus when I saw it, I was quite prepared to put that down
+to the fog; for if Dennison had not taken so much for granted, I should
+never willingly have given myself away to him.
+
+When we reached the Parma I was very thirsty, but there were so many
+people in the place that it was impossible to get near the bar.  We
+were jolted about by men who, having nothing else to say, shouted "Good
+old Cambridge!" and "Now then, Oxford!"  The pandemonium was deafening,
+and Jack said to me that the whole thing wasn't good enough, and unless
+you happened to feel like shoving into people and then pretending that
+you were very sorry he was quite right.
+
+A man standing on the steps at the top of the room began to make a
+speech until somebody shoved him down, and his top-hat, having been
+knocked off, was kicked about by everybody who could get near it.  Men
+whom I never remembered having seen before, shook me warmly by the hand
+and treated me as if I was their greatest friend, but none of them
+could get me anything to drink.  This scene was subsequently described
+as disgraceful, but it was really very dull, and after a few more
+minutes spent in trying to make my voice heard in the noise, the lights
+were turned out.  The word "Johnnys" ran round the place, and there was
+a big rush for the door leading into Piccadilly Circus.  Fortunately I
+got out at once, and I found myself marching clown Piccadilly in the
+second row of a procession.  Foster was next to me, though how he got
+there I cannot conceive, and Ward and Dennison were in the front row.
+We sang as we walked, and people cleared out of our way.  I heard one
+man who met us say "Poor fools!" and the fellow who was with him
+answered "We did that kind of thing years ago, didn't we?"  Outside The
+St. John's we came to a dead stop, and the men in front of me began
+arguing with an enormous man who stood at the entrance.
+
+"No one else is to be admitted to-night," I heard the giant say.
+
+"But it is not closing time," some one answered.
+
+"These are my orders, gentlemen," he said, and it was really rather
+nice of him to address us as he did.
+
+Ward did not say a word, but tried quite amicably to get past the
+giant.  It was a kind of Goliath and David business anyhow, but
+whatever chance Ward had of getting into the restaurant ended abruptly;
+a bevy of policemen who seemed to drop out of the skies simply pounced
+upon him, and if he had been guilty of some real crime he could not
+have been treated more severely.  It was my first experience of
+policemen, and unless some one had very kindly caught hold of me, my
+first impulse was to go for the men who had seized Ward.
+
+"You had better keep quiet, or you will be taken to the station as
+well," one policeman said to me, but I went on talking until some one I
+did not know touched me on the arm.
+
+"Was the man they collared a friend of yours?" he asked.
+
+"Yes, and it is a most wretched swindle," I said.
+
+"I don't think he did anything to speak of," Foster added.
+
+"I was just coming out of the door as it happened," our friend said,
+"and I have never seen a more unfair thing in my life.  If you will
+come to the police-station to-morrow to give evidence, I will come too.
+You had better go now and see if you can do anything for him."
+
+We assured him that we would turn up the next morning, and then Foster
+and I made our way to the police-station.  I cannot say that the
+Inspector, or whoever the official was who talked to us, took much
+notice of what we said, but we found a more sympathetic man outside the
+station who asked us if we wanted to bail out our friend.  The official
+had told us that Jack Ward would be quite comfortable during the night,
+but when I saw another person brought in by the police we doubted this
+statement very much, and we discussed things with our sympathetic
+friend, who was a shabby-looking man when he happened to get near the
+light, and he gave us much advice in exchange for half-a-sovereign.  I
+gave him the half-sovereign, though what prompted me to do so I cannot
+remember, but I had met so many aggressive people during that evening
+that a kind man appealed to me strongly.  He was, I heard afterwards, a
+professional bailer-out, and I do not think he could have been a very
+good one, for although Fred and I went about with him for over an hour,
+and rang up various people who treated us with unvarying rudeness, in
+the end we had to leave Jack Ward where he was.
+
+It was no easy matter to escape from my people in the morning, but we
+got to the place all right, and soon after we got there Jack Ward
+appeared, and was charged with creating a disturbance in Piccadilly.
+Policemen gave evidence, and the man who had told us that he would come
+and speak up for Ward turned out to be a barrister, and did not appear
+to be in the least afraid of the magistrate.  His evidence was very
+different to that of the police, and I thought Jack Ward, who looked as
+if he had been having a dreadful time, was bound to get off.
+
+When my turn came to kiss the book I was in a terrible state of
+nervousness, and the magistrate asked me my name twice, and where I
+lived at least three times.  I am sure he must have been deaf, for I
+spoke plainly enough, but I thought him a most disagreeable man.  After
+bothering me until I really felt quite unwell, he asked me how many
+drinks I had seen Jack Ward have, and when I answered "None," he said
+very angrily, "I shall not want to ask you any more questions."  He
+might just as well have told me that he did not believe a word I said.
+
+In the end Ward was bound over to keep the peace for a month, and the
+magistrate said what he thought of the disturbance which had been made.
+He supposed undergraduates to be a far more vicious lot than they
+really are, for at the very worst we were only extremely noisy and very
+foolish, and Jack Ward was just the victim of horribly bad luck.
+
+I was glad to get away from the police-court, and I am not searching
+for such an experience as this again, but principally we were sorry for
+Ward, who said he had never spent such a night in his life.  However he
+was very cheerful about it, and took the view that it might have
+happened to any one.
+
+After luncheon Foster and I had to start on tour with the 'Varsity XV.
+in Wales, and I was exceedingly glad that Adamson had to stay in town
+to play for the South against the North, or Fred would not have come.
+On that tour I played very badly and Fred very well, which is what some
+people would call the irony of fate.  But I must say in excuse for
+myself that more difficult people to get hold of than those Swansea,
+Newport and Cardiff three-quarters I cannot conceive, and I had no end
+of chances of trying to collar them.  How many of those chances I took
+can be guessed by any one who is curious enough to look up records and
+see the lamentable results of those three matches.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+MY MAIDEN SPEECH
+
+As soon as the 'Varsity football tour was finished, I went home and
+Fred Foster came with me.  Any exultation I might have been inclined to
+show over my blue was completely checked by the way I played on the
+tour, and I was very glad when we got away from Wales and the sarcastic
+remarks of the Welsh newspapers.  As a matter of curiosity it may be
+satisfactory to find out what famous Oxford teams of former years think
+of the one you happen to be in, but it was exceedingly disagreeable of
+the Welsh papers to suggest that we should not like to hear the
+opinions of these heroes, and one sporting reporter went out of his way
+to be nasty to me.  "When I saw Marten at back and remember the
+brilliant exponents of the game who have filled his position in
+previous Dark Blue fifteens, I really cannot refrain from smiling.  But
+it is a pity all the same."  If I could have got hold of that fellow I
+think I might have curtailed the length of his smile, but Foster gave
+me a little satisfaction by saying that if a man was ass enough to
+write about "exponents of the game," he was probably paid a penny a
+line for what he wrote, and had sacrificed me for the sake of
+threepence.
+
+We had a very good time during our first "vac."  I think that Nina
+expected me to come back from Oxford with a very fine equipment of
+airs; in fact I know that she did for she told me so, but I was in a
+humble mood and gave her no chances to squash me, and she and Fred got
+on splendidly together.  My first term had taught me that I did not
+know in the least what I wanted, which was an upsetting lesson for any
+one to learn who had always done what came next without bothering about
+the consequences.  This result had been brought about by the Warden and
+Dennison, the one had in his curious way tried to urge me on, the other
+had sickened me of men who rag from morning to night, and I felt
+bothered for several days in succession.  Then, however, I stopped
+worrying myself and regained my normal spirits, to the annoyance of my
+father who was at that time inveighing against Russia and the
+ritualistic vicar of our parish, and had a lot to say about the thin
+end of the wedge.  He told me that I must take more interest in
+politics, and he made both Fred and me promise that we would speak at
+debating societies during our first year.
+
+But when I recollected the discussions I had listened to at our college
+debating society I could not remember a single one at which I could
+have said anything to the point; how could I know whether "It is better
+to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," or what could
+I say about marriage being a failure?  There was, indeed, only one man
+at St. Cuthbert's who could possibly know anything about marriage, and
+he had a wife and three children, but from the appearance of the lady I
+do not think that he was likely to give us his honest opinion.
+
+I wrote to Jack Ward but did not get an answer, and when we got back to
+Oxford I found that he had been staying with a mining magnate whose
+name I could not pronounce.  He had been gambling every night, I forget
+how much he won in a week, but it is of no consequence as he lost all
+of it and a lot more before he had finished.  During this term he
+became a complete blood, and was constantly dining at wine clubs or
+with somebody like Bunny Langham.  He joined the Mohocks, and men who
+did not know him, and thought that our wine club made far too much
+noise and was a nuisance to the college, said that he would get sent
+down at the end of his first year for being ploughed in pass
+Moderations.  I, however, saw a good deal of him at odd times, and the
+fact that he absolutely refused to have anything more to do with
+Dennison than he could help delighted me.  When Jack had no use for any
+one he had a very expressive way of letting them know it, and Dennison
+at last was so offended that he invaded my rooms one afternoon when I
+was changing after footer and couldn't escape from him.
+
+"You don't see much of Ward now, do you?" he began, as he placed
+himself upon my bed.
+
+"I see him every day," I answered.
+
+"I can't understand why you care to do it."
+
+"Well, I do care to do it; you are sitting on my socks, do you mind
+getting up?"
+
+"You ought to hear what most of the freshers are saying about the side
+Ward is putting on, it isn't as if he had any good reason for sticking
+on side."
+
+"What do you think is a good reason for sticking on side?" I asked.
+
+"Ward can't do anything; you are a blue already, and I shall probably
+get my racquet blue, but of course that's got nothing to do with it."
+
+"Then I shouldn't say anything about it," I answered, and putting on my
+coat I went into my sitter.
+
+"Don't be a fool," he said as he followed me, "you stick so
+tremendously close to rotten old-fashioned ideas.  I am not exactly
+committing a crime in not liking a man whom you profess to like."
+
+"I have never professed to like any one in my life if I didn't like
+him," I returned, and instead of getting angry with me, he laughed and
+sat down in my biggest arm-chair.  It was not his habit to have two
+quarrels going on at the same time, and when he wished to be amiable
+you had to work hard before you removed his smile.  We had tea
+together, and I did work hard, but he refused to be offended, and told
+me that I was far too good a sort to be wrapped up in old prejudices,
+which were the laughing-stock of everybody who really thought about
+them.  Oxford, he said, was the place for a good time and not for
+airing ridiculous fads which were all right at school, where there was
+nothing else to do but pretend to like a fellow for ever because you
+had happened to like him for a few weeks.  And he also told me that
+being a blue, I ought to take my proper position in the college, and
+not to go about with men who were no use whatever.
+
+In return I told him some beautifully plain things, but when a man has
+the terrific impudence of Dennison, he makes me too angry to be
+coherent.  I let him know, however, that I intended to choose my own
+friends and that I thought a blue, if he was also a bounder, might do
+his college more harm than good.  To which he replied that if a man was
+a bounder he found it exceedingly difficult to become a blue.  When
+Dennison went away I rushed off to see Murray, and although he did not
+pretend to like Jack, he agreed with me that ten Wards in a college
+would not make it as unpleasant a place as one Dennison.  After this
+attempt to get me on his side against Jack, Dennison left me more or
+less alone, but he smiled upon me whenever he saw me, and to Webb,
+Lambert and a man called Learoyd, who were at that time his particular
+friends, I believe that he described me as a lunatic who might be of
+use in the future.
+
+I was very energetic during this term, and at the same time very quiet.
+The weather was so bad that astronomical people said that the sun had
+got spots upon it or had gone wrong somehow; at any rate we hardly ever
+saw it, and we lived in a deluge of rain.  The Torpids had to be
+postponed, nearly every footer match was scratched, and the people who
+had been talking about water-famines for the last two years held their
+peace.  Oxford seemed to be a most cheerless place, and Collier slept
+nearly the whole term.  However, I most strenuously did labour, but I
+should never have stuck to it had not Murray helped me, and the result
+was that after we had been up five weeks I found myself in high favour
+with Mr. Gilbert Edwardes.
+
+It is a dreadful thing to please your tutor if you do not happen to
+like him, because he asks you to breakfast by way of showing his
+pleasure, and at meals I could not put up with Mr. Edwardes.  I sat
+next him at one breakfast, and he never ate anything except a piece of
+dry toast, and he talked about patent foods.  I never saw a man who
+looked more as if he needed a really big meal of beef and plum-pudding;
+but he was an authority on diet, and told me that food if too
+nutritious was very bad for the brain.  He could not, I thought, have
+imagined that our brains were worth much; for I must say that though he
+did not eat himself he gave us every chance of doing so, and if we had
+been the torpid, who breakfast and dine hugely, he could not have
+provided us with more food.  Murray, who was one of many at this meal,
+seemed to be very interested in what Mr. Edwardes said about diet, and
+I told him afterwards that he was an arch-humbug; but it turned out
+that he had been bothered all his life--at least he said so--by
+indigestion, and that at Wellingham he had lived on some peculiar
+biscuit for nearly a fortnight, which recalled to my mind what Ward had
+said to me about him.
+
+I played in all the 'Varsity rugger matches which were not scratched,
+and we finished up by beating the Wellingham Nomads after a muddy and
+desperate struggle.  Murray was playing for the Nomads and Foster for
+the 'Varsity, and so many Wellingham people came round to Murray's
+rooms after the match that I had to hold a kind of overflow meeting in
+my rooms, after the manner of political gatherings.  Murray was in
+great spirits until everybody had gone, and then he said he had got a
+most frightful attack of indigestion.  So I let him talk it off.  It
+was curious that I had known him so long without ever having got him on
+the subject of health; but he told me that when he came up to Oxford he
+made up his mind to forget all about his ailments and eat anything.  I
+told him that he had better stick to that resolution, because I was
+sure that his best way was never even to think about himself, but that
+advice was not altogether unselfish.  After he had spent a solid
+half-hour in telling me what pains he suffered, he seemed so much
+better that I was compelled to add that whenever he felt most awfully
+bad he had better come and talk to me.  I did not say that from conceit
+but out of sympathy, and when he laughed I told him that if he thought
+it was amusing for me to hear about his pains and spasms he was jolly
+well mistaken.
+
+"My father has talked about his liver for the last ten years," I said,
+by way of proving that whatever information he gave me about himself
+was bound to be stale.
+
+"Then you will have one some day," Murray answered, and I imagined that
+he looked at me as if in the future we could have a royal time nursing
+our dyspepsia together.  But I was not going to be a twin dyspeptic
+with anybody.
+
+"I hope I have got one now," I returned, "but I am not going on the
+roof to shout about it.  Every one ought to keep their liver dark, and
+then the vile thing wouldn't be a nuisance to every one else."
+
+He only laughed again.  I am afraid he had read a lot of medical books
+and knew far too much about the colour of things, but I do really
+believe that I did him some good, for apart from seeing him put
+extraordinary pieces of paper on his tongue and look very concerned
+when they revealed whatever secret they have to reveal, he never talked
+intimately to me again about his complaints, and as time went on he
+laughed at himself, which was very wholesome of him.
+
+Six weeks of the term had passed before I thought of fulfilling the
+promise I made to my father, and when the time drew near for me to
+speak at our college debating society, if I meant to do so, I became
+extremely nervous.  There was only one more meeting of the society
+during that term, and the subject for debate was, "The modern novel has
+a depressing and decaying influence upon the mind of the British
+nation."  Lambert, who spoke very fluently and not at all to the point,
+was booked to speak first at this debate, and any one who knew him
+could see his magnificent style in the way the motion was drawn up.  He
+revelled in alliteration, and I should think that he preferred subjects
+which were more general than particular, for he had on one occasion
+come hopelessly to grief at a debate on French politics, and had to
+hide his confusion by saying that no one could be expected to take an
+interest in a Latin nation, which made some people think that he was
+more stupid than he really was.
+
+I resolved to support the modern novel, not because I knew much about
+it, but because I did not intend to be on the same side as Lambert, and
+I went to the Union and listened to a debate in which two men from
+Cambridge spoke and one man from London.  Speaking seemed to be easy to
+these people, but perhaps the presence of the London man--he was very
+distinguished--acted as a check to orators who were not quite sure of
+themselves.  At any rate the distinguished man made a great impression,
+he deplored the spread of taste among the lower classes, and he was
+very sad and eloquent about organized excursions which he said
+consisted chiefly of meals.  To my mind he went on deploring far too
+long, for if anybody does remember Rome by what he had for dinner
+there, and forgets everything about Venice except his tea, his
+temporary absence from England is not exactly a disaster, and the
+Italians are glad to have him.  Craddock of Balliol, who spoke before
+the man from London, was crushed for dealing with the subject in a
+frivolous manner, but I was not persuaded that a serious debate about
+English Tourists would make them any less humorous or plentiful.  That
+debate did me good in one way, for I was so angry with this man of
+distinction that I wished I could have told him what I thought, and for
+three consecutive mornings I addressed an imaginary audience while I
+was having my bath.  But if my remarks had been made at the Union I am
+afraid they would have caused a tumult, they were more suited to the
+House of Commons, where, if the worst happens, you have the consolation
+of being led out by a dignified official, and can read about your
+departure in the newspapers of the following morning.  I was so worried
+about my speech that I mentioned it to several men, and most of them
+said that they would come to the debate, which was the last thing I
+wanted them to do.  I had, however, to go through with it, so I
+consoled myself by the thought that I couldn't be duller than some of
+the people whom I had heard speaking at our debates; but when I went
+into the common room and found a larger crowd of men there than I had
+ever seen at a previous meeting, I wished that I had never come near
+the place.  Before Lambert spoke we had to go through a lot of private
+business, which consisted chiefly of attempts by the college wags to be
+funny.  Some men cultivate the special form of humour which shines at
+private business, but on this occasion all our wags were either absent
+or silent, and the President and Secretary of the debating society had
+a very peaceful evening.
+
+When Lambert got up to pulverize the modern novel a great many men, who
+had only come in for a rag, left the room, but Dennison, Webb and some
+others who knew that I intended to speak, remained, and I made up my
+mind that they should wait a very long time if they meant to hear me.
+There was not a trace of nervousness about Lambert; he shot his cuffs,
+stroked his upper lip with one finger, and was really rather a comical
+figure, though I should think that every one was not so much amused at
+the things he said as at his magnificent manner while saying them, for
+he had nothing new to say about the influence of popular fiction.  He
+referred to authors who draw their inspiration from the Bible in terms
+of lordly condescension, and then, changing his manner suddenly, he
+spoke of the rise and fall of Stratford-upon-Avon in such mournful
+tones that any one who did not know him might have imagined that he was
+on the verge of tears.
+
+No speech of his, however, was complete without a peroration, and on
+this evening he surpassed himself.  "You," he began, "who buy books
+without a thought of what you are buying, who are guided in your taste
+for fiction by the advertisements and buy a novel with as little care
+as you would buy a pair of scissors, who think, if you ever think, and
+I have already said that you do not, that because there are fifty
+thousand tasteless people in the world there is no reason why you
+should not swell that crowd, you are responsible for the decay of the
+novel.  Traditions are dying, helped to their death by prize
+competitions and personal paragraphs, and Oxford is the home of
+tradition, for Oxford was invented before Eton.  We care no longer for
+what is best but for what is most talked about, in our fiction we look
+for scandals and not for literature, and unless there is a reaction the
+man who can blush will become a curiosity, fit only for exhibition on
+the Music Hall stage or in the Zoological Gardens.  It is a serious
+matter.  The Philistines must be met and routed, we know that of old
+this was their usual fate, it seems to have been the chief reason for
+their existence.  For my part I think a day ill-spent in which I have
+not read a few pages of Fielding or Thackeray.  I have the most kindly
+feelings towards Dickens, Jane Austen and George Eliot, and when I am
+tired I write little things myself."
+
+He sat down and looked blandly in front of him; if he had been less
+pleased with himself he would not have been anything like so amusing.
+
+A senior man called Ransome got up to defend the modern novel, and the
+debate at once became serious.  In about five minutes Ransome would
+have made most men feel crushed and unhappy, but Lambert only spread
+out his legs and shut his eyes.  Ransome was not only a good speaker
+but also one of the cleverest men in the 'Varsity, and he scored time
+after time without disturbing Lambert's equanimity.  I think that
+Lambert's enormous and somnolent bulk must have annoyed Ransome, for he
+went on to make an attack which was virulently sarcastic.  In his
+speech Lambert had been foolish enough to say nothing in favour of
+modern novels, he had taken it for granted that all of them were bad,
+and Ransome fastening on this accused him of never having heard of
+George Meredith and Thomas Hardy, and he finished by appealing to us
+not to be guided in our tastes and opinions by a man whose assumptions
+were based on tremendous ignorance.
+
+After Ransome had finished Lambert woke up, which was silly of him, but
+I must admit that he looked exactly as if he had been roused from a
+deep sleep.  A number of men spoke, and most of them said something
+which I had intended to say, until there was very little of my speech
+left which could sound original.  As each man sat down, Dennison and
+Webb had the impertinence to shout "Marten," but they were always
+called to order by the President, who was in no hurry to hear my maiden
+effort.  Collier, who had not come to hear me from inclination but a
+sense of duty, dozed peacefully in a corner, a number of men recorded
+their votes and left the room, the President yawned prodigiously, and
+the Secretary looked as if he had got a headache.  If I intended to
+speak before Lambert replied to all the criticisms passed upon him, my
+time had come.  I got up as quietly as I could, but I was greeted with
+so much applause that I felt quite embarrassed.  Jack Ward had come in
+from dining somewhere, and when he saw Dennison and Webb clapping
+because they expected to be amused, he resolved to make more row than
+they did.  I could not complain of my reception, but why I received it
+is not worth discussing.  However the mere sight of Dennison made me
+determined not to make a fool of myself and I got rid of my first
+sentence without a hitch, and then I was all right for some time
+because the walls of my bedder had heard my speech very often and I
+knew it well.  Jack Ward kept on applauding violently, he meant well
+but he did it in the most awkward places, and he made me forget one
+thing which Foster had provided.  Dennison laughed a little, but he had
+to wait before he got an opportunity of trying to make me appear
+especially ridiculous.
+
+"We read too much and think too little," I said, and this was the
+opening of a sentence which had caused me a lot of trouble until Murray
+helped me to put it right, but Dennison saw his chance and interrupted
+me by saying, "We talk too much and think too little, is what you
+mean," which was an exasperating remark when I had very nearly finished
+without any bother.  So I turned round and told him that I could say
+what I liked without asking him.  The President shouted "Order," but he
+looked too sleepy to care much what happened.
+
+"At any rate I suppose you cribbed it from last week's _Spectator_, and
+I know it was 'Talk too much,' because I saw it."
+
+"If Mr. Marten thinks he can improve upon anything taken from the
+_Spectator_ he is at perfect liberty to do so," the President said very
+sarcastically, and I felt badly scored off.
+
+"It's all very well," I said to him, "but these interruptions have made
+me forget where I have got to."
+
+"About the bottom of your second cuff, I should think," Dennison called
+out, and I could not stand that libel, so I addressed the rest of my
+speech to him.  It was, at any rate, fluent, and although the President
+tried to stop me I had a merry if short innings before I finished.
+Dennison was too much for me, he never lost his temper while I was so
+angry that I forget exactly what happened, but when I met the President
+in the quad on the following morning and apologized to him, he was kind
+enough to say that he hoped I should speak again during the next term,
+although as he would be reading hard he was afraid that he would not
+have the pleasure of hearing me.  He was a curious man, and I could not
+help wondering whether he would have wished me to speak if he had not
+been too busy to listen, but I did not care to risk asking him that
+question.
+
+The Lent Term at Oxford is rather a dull one for men who do not row,
+run, or play soccer.  In my time golfers were thought dull whether they
+played golf or only talked about it.  I did run in our college sports
+because Collier said I wouldn't, and Collier ran because I said he
+couldn't, the result was that we competed in a half-mile handicap in
+which he received the munificent start of eighty-five yards, while I
+had to worry through the whole distance with the exception of twenty
+yards.  Collier bet me five shillings that he would defeat me in that
+race, and I thought I had found an easy way of making a little money,
+but a half-mile is a long distance for two men without much wind, and
+when I caught Collier up about two hundred yards from the finish we
+agreed to cancel our bet and walk to the pavilion.  Collier could not
+speak without gasping for a quarter of an hour, and then he expressed
+the determination of retiring permanently from the running path.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON
+
+The summer term at Oxford would be even more pleasant than it is if it
+did not start in April and finish when the summer is just beginning.  I
+do not wish to say anything about weather, but without taking an
+interest in the abnormal quantities of rain or wanting to know why the
+sun shines so seldom, I do think that if the success of a term depends
+largely upon an English May, it is apt to be very limited.  I have been
+told so often by quite truthful men that there are other people besides
+undergraduates to be considered in Oxford, that I have never felt so
+convinced about anything, except that Queen Anne is dead; but all the
+same it seems to me that the undergraduate is not given a chance of
+being comfortably warm for any length of time.  And if the authorities
+who fix the terms, or if they like it better, the academical year,
+would understand that an undergraduate is a far nicer man when he is
+comfortable, they might be inclined to cease from compelling him to
+play cricket when it is impossible to think of anything but the biting
+wind.
+
+For my own part I am certain that I have never wanted to break rules or
+windows when the sun shines, but some men, when they become depressed
+by the weather, turn their thoughts to throwing things about, and there
+are so many windows in a quad that wherever you throw you seem to hit
+one of them.  The only window I smashed was not entirely my fault, for
+Ward ducked his head just as a tennis-ball was going to hit it; the
+Subby, however, who was trying to instil logic into a lot of pass
+"mods" men, was annoyed by broken glass falling into his lecture-room.
+This was a bad beginning to the summer term, but had it not rained for
+nearly two days I should have been playing cricket that morning, and if
+Ward's head had happened to be in front of the Subby's lecture-room I
+should not have been there to throw at it.  I tried to explain this to
+the Subby, but there is a certain kind of reasoning which does not make
+much impression on either dons or schoolmasters.  I asked him if he
+thought any man who was booked to play cricket all day could sit down
+at once and work when he heard that his match was scratched, and he
+answered, "Undoubtedly."  The Subby was a nice enough man in some ways,
+but in others he was simply hopeless.  He was not so absolutely
+unapproachable as Mr. Edwardes, for although you had got to imagine for
+all you were worth you could think of him as an "undergrad," but when
+Murray and I tried to persuade ourselves that Mr. Edwardes had once
+been only twenty years old we wasted our time, and Murray told me that
+I was always trying to do impossible things.
+
+Oxford, however, is a good place when you are only playing at summer,
+and it is really splendid if you are lucky enough to have a fine May
+and early June.  I went back there full of enthusiasm, I meant to do a
+hundred things, but I am afraid my programme was a little too full; to
+carry it out successfully I required the co-operation of the Subby and
+Mr. Edwardes, and no one but an enthusiast, or a fool, would have
+thought he was likely to get it.  My experiences with Mr. Edwardes
+during my second term had been placidly uneventful, but they had been
+gained by very great effort on my part, and they did not seem to have
+been worth the effort, since my tutor was almost as great an iceberg at
+the end of the term as he had been at the beginning.  He could not
+thaw, but I never found out that until I had spent many unsuccessful
+interviews with him.  I thought after going through one term without
+offending him that I was what golfers, I believe, would call "one up,"
+and I felt that it would be an easy matter to increase my score, but I
+made a great mistake.  Mr. Edwardes did not realize in the least that
+cricket is a very important and tiring game.  I told him frankly that I
+wanted to enjoy myself during my first summer term, and that if my work
+was neglected a little I hoped he would understand the reason.  He
+failed to understand it, and instead of being pleased with my candour,
+he took up a sort of pouncing attitude.  He was fairly on the look-out,
+and when a don gets into that state it is not likely he is going to
+watch for nothing.
+
+In the freshers' match Foster and I were on opposite sides, which
+seemed to me a very poor kind of arrangement even before we began, and
+what I thought of it after the match was over is not worth saying.  The
+weather on the first day of the game was never intended for cricket,
+and I have very rarely seen a nose glow quite so gorgeously as the
+umpire who no-balled me twice in my first over.  I actually began the
+bowling, though I think the reason for this honour must have been that
+Cross of Magdalen, who was secretary to the 'Varsity XI. and captained
+our side, knew my name.  Foster and Henderson began the batting, and my
+first ball which was supposed to be directed at Foster's wicket was a
+most abominable wide, the second and third he hit to the boundary, the
+fourth was a no-ball, and I really forget what happened after that, but
+I know that it was the sort of over which seemed as if it would never
+end.  I had not been no-balled before, and this unexpected misfortune
+made my bowling quite comically bad.  Cross kept me on for seven overs,
+because as I heard him say afterwards he thought the beginning was too
+bad to be true.  Foster made 128 and Henderson 93, I got one wicket for
+78 runs, but the man I got out was not supposed to be a batsman, and he
+confided to me as we went back to the pavilion that his highest score
+for his school during the last season had been 5.  This information on
+the top of my inglorious performance was really rather trying; he
+might, I thought, have kept it to himself, but he had made 11 and was
+unduly elated.  Their side made 358, and our two innings only totalled
+301; I went in last, with the exception of Cross, and made such
+furiously ineffective efforts to hit some leg-breaks, that Rushden of
+New College, who was a most serious cricketer and captain of the
+'Varsity XI., was compelled to laugh.  But I did land one ball into the
+shrubbery, which was the only moment during the match when I felt that
+cricket in a cold wind was worth playing.  After it was all over,
+however, I was delighted that Fred had started so well, and it did not
+surprise me at all when I saw that my name was not down to play for the
+Sixteen Freshmen against the 'Varsity XI.; in fact I should have been
+very surprised if Rushden had not made up his mind about me.  Both Fred
+and Henderson did well in this second trial match and were chosen to
+play for the Varsity against the M.C.C., while I went back to college
+cricket and lived upon what reputation I had brought from Cliborough
+for quite three weeks.  I could not get any wickets however much I
+tried until we played Pembroke, who were not exactly a strong batting
+side, and to make things easier for me they had their three best men
+away.  After this match I got my college colours, but I am afraid that
+it is doubtful if I deserved them.
+
+Jack Ward played for the College XI., but his best scores were made for
+the St. Cuthbert's Busters, who played villages round Oxford, and were
+not very depressed if they were beaten.  Collier, Lambert and Dennison
+also played for the Busters, and a kind of truce had been patched up
+between Jack and Dennison, because Jack said that it was too much
+trouble to keep up a quarrel with any one whom he was always meeting,
+and Dennison was at that time so occupied with other schemes that he
+treated Jack as if he was his dearest friend.
+
+Some senior men in the college were getting very dissatisfied with the
+state of it, for they said that it was all right to have an occasional
+rag if we had anything to rag about; but as we did not seem able to
+row, play footer or cricket, we had better keep quiet.  They did
+nothing except talk, and Dennison played up to them with all his might;
+he had got his half-blue for racquets, and they, not knowing him as
+well as Jack, Collier and I did, thought that he was really keen on the
+college.  But, as a matter of fact, he howled with laughter when our
+torpid went down six places, and said that if men were fools enough to
+row they deserved to be laughed at, whatever happened to them.
+
+No one wants to belong to a college which can do nothing but howl at
+night, since the greatest slackers in the 'Varsity howl the loudest.
+Dennison worked hard for popularity among senior men, but he cared
+nothing for the college, and several of the freshers knew that if he
+got a set round him who intended to manage the place, St. Cuthbert's
+was doomed as far as athletics were concerned.  He was made for some
+college which is in the habit of having only one blue every ten years
+or so, and may possibly treat him as if he is a very fine specimen when
+they have got him.
+
+We could not help doing well in the schools, because we always had
+scholars who took Firsts with beautiful regularity; but no one thought
+very much about it, since it was a thing to which every one in the
+'Varsity was accustomed.
+
+Even Fred Foster told me that it was a pity St. Cuthbert's was going
+downhill so fast; but apart from being angry there was nothing for me
+to do, except wait.  Our dons, taken in the mass, wanted us to work and
+be quiet; they did not care what happened to our eight or our eleven,
+and when a man got his blue he was generally told that he must not
+allow it to interfere with his reading.  Unless dons meet
+undergraduates half-way a college is bound, sooner or later, to suffer;
+but a little humanity can do wondrous things.  During my first year the
+Warden was the only don who was kind to me, and though I liked him so
+much that I forgave him for not appreciating the difference between
+bumping and being bumped, I must confess that his kindness was of a
+peculiar kind.  St. Cuthbert's, in the opinion of the 'Varsity, had
+begun to go down rapidly, and we got very little sympathy from anybody
+outside the college.  The outlook was gloomy enough, for I was bound to
+have rows with Mr. Edwardes as long as I had anything to do with him,
+and if I could have been of any use in trying to improve things, I knew
+that unless some new dons came I should have to spend most of my time
+in looking after myself.  I wished that Fred had come to St.
+Cuthbert's, for Murray was too quiet to do anything, Collier was too
+sleepy, and Jack Ward seemed to be as happy-go-lucky as I was.
+
+It looked as if Dennison was bound to win in the long run, for he was a
+thousand times cleverer at getting what he wanted than any of us, and
+he had the great advantage of knowing what he did want.  His aim, I
+knew, was to be the leader of a set who gambled and yelled and played
+games which he thought were fit for bloods to play.  Slackness during
+the day and liveliness at night were briefly his programme, and though
+it is all very well to be lively at night, it seemed to some of us that
+if we were to sink to the bottom of the river and care nothing for the
+reputation of the college, we were in for a very bad time.  By nature
+both Jack Ward and I were cheerful, and if it had not been for hating
+Dennison I don't think that I should have wanted to check my
+cheerfulness.  As it was, I had a vague sort of feeling that what
+Dennison liked must be wrong.
+
+I saw Dennison as seldom as I could, but Jack Ward came to me one
+morning when there was no college match, and when I had nothing to do
+which could not conveniently be put off, to ask me to play for the
+Busters.  Somebody had scratched at the last moment, and even if I had
+not wanted to play I should have found a difficulty in resisting Jack.
+
+We drove seven miles to a village called Burlington, and had great
+difficulty in finding the wicket when we arrived, but our driver had
+been there before, and insisted on us getting out by a field which
+looked as if it might produce a bountiful crop of hay.  Lambert--who
+had talked a lot about being asked to play for his county--pretended to
+be very disgusted, and strode about as if he owned the whole place; we
+had to be very rude to him, so that we might prevent him from hurting
+the feelings of the Burlington men.
+
+In the middle of the field a small space had been mown, and the pitch
+itself, apart from a few holes, was not at all bad, but Bagshaw, who
+was captaining the Busters, decided at once that he should keep wicket
+because he did not want to stand up to his knees in grass.  The captain
+of the Burtington team was the local publican, a hearty man who told us
+in the same breath that he was very glad to see us, and that he had
+played cricket for thirty years, boy and man.  His name was Plumb, and
+I liked him very much; he played in both braces and a belt, because he
+told us belts were ticklish things and braces sometimes burst.  I
+answered that it was always well to be on the safe side, and we had
+quite a confidential talk, until Lambert and Dennison came up and
+interrupted us.  Lambert began to complain about the long grass, and I
+was afraid Mr. Plumb might be offended, but I expect he had seen a good
+many people like Lambert, and he only smiled compassionately at him.
+
+"You see it's like this," he said, "this damp, not to call it a wet
+spring, has made this yer grass grow, and what I say is that weather
+that is good for farmers up to June is bad for us cricketers.  But,
+bless me, there's nothing to complain of here--I've played cricket in
+some funny places if you like, and many a dap on the side of the head
+I've had in my time."
+
+"This man," Dennison remarked, pointing at me, "is a very fast bowler."
+
+Mr. Plumb shut one eye and looked at me with interest.  "Then," he
+said, "I think you had better bowl up the hill; I have seen them kick a
+bit at the other end, nothing to speak of, but Bill Higgs got his nose
+cut open come next Saturday three weeks; he's a fast bowler if you
+like, I've seen Spofforth and I've seen Mold, but for pace give me Bill
+Higgs."
+
+"Is he playing to-day?" Lambert asked as unconcernedly as he could.
+
+"Oh yes, he's playing, he's the terror of the neighbourhood.  There he
+is, the tall man, he's our policeman when he's not playing cricket.  My
+eye, his arms are like tree-trunks," and Mr. Plumb left us and walked
+over to talk to Bill Higgs, but I am not at all sure that he did not
+wink at me before he went.
+
+"You didn't score much there," I said to Dennison.
+
+"Cricket isn't good enough in these outlandish holes," he answered, and
+seized Collier to tell him about Bill Higgs.  Lambert went off hastily
+to get a drink, and was not seen again until Bagshaw had won the toss
+and decided to go in.
+
+We began our innings with Lambert and Collier, and Bagshaw could not
+have chosen a funnier pair.  There was some difficulty in getting them
+ready, for Collier had left his pads behind, and we had a desperate job
+to find any which were large enough to fit him, while Lambert was so
+engaged in persuading us that Higgs on a bumping wicket was nothing to
+a man who had been asked to play for his county that at one time he had
+lost both his bat and his gloves.  Before they started Collier insisted
+on tossing to see who should have first ball, and when he won Lambert
+said it was of no consequence as he had always meant to have the first
+ball.  The Burtington XI. waited patiently, and threw catches to each
+other with extraordinary violence, but although Mr. Plumb had announced
+that Higgs would begin the bowling, the terror of the neighbourhood had
+not allowed us to see how fast he bowled.  There was an air of mystery
+about Higgs, which the nine of us who were not at the wickets found
+very entertaining, though Dennison, who was in next, looked anxious.
+
+When our batsmen had got to the wickets it seemed as if the game would
+never begin, for Lambert took guard three times and looked round the
+ground so often to see where the fielders were placed that two or three
+of the Burtington men from sheer weariness began to turn somersaults.
+Higgs stood with the ball in his hand and talked to Collier, he knew
+that he was a great man and was quite unmoved by Lambert's little
+tricks.  At last there was no excuse for waiting any longer, and the
+umpire, after Lambert had refused to have a trial ball, which I suppose
+he thought would have been an undignified thing for him to do, called
+"Play."  The mystery was solved immediately, Higgs bowled very fast
+underhand, the kind of ball which is correctly termed a "sneak," but
+unfortunately for Lambert the first one was straight and his bat was
+still in the air when his middle stump was knocked to the ground.  The
+Burtington XI. seemed to me to take this beginning as a
+matter-of-course, and started throwing catches to each other without
+even troubling to applaud Higgs.  Lambert walked very slowly from the
+wickets, and when he got back to us he was smiling in his most
+magnificently contemptuous manner.
+
+"I thought you asked me to play cricket," he said to Bagshaw.  "I keep
+a special bat for that sort of bowling, and I did not want to smash
+this one."
+
+He sat down on the grass, but we were all so suffocated by laughter
+that none of us could condole with him, and if any one had ventured to
+say "Bad luck," I am sure Lambert would have treated him with scorn.
+
+Dennison had two balls which did not bowl him, but Higgs made no
+mistake with the next one, and the Burlington men played catch once
+more.  In the end we managed to make 33, though hardly any of the runs
+were made off Higgs, and twelve of them came from two balls which were
+lost quite close to the wickets.  Nine of the Burtington men made 18
+runs, for Collier bowled very straight until he got hopelessly out of
+breath, and then Bagshaw, who laughed all the time Collier was bowling,
+would not take him off, though the wretched man was panting like a
+grampus.  "This last fellow is sure to be a 'sitter,'" Bagshaw said,
+"here is Collier's chance to bowl right through an innings, I don't
+suppose he has ever done it before."
+
+But Collier, who was searching after breath and not troubling about
+records, was indignant with Bagshaw, and when Lambert, who said that
+the sun was in his eyes, missed two catches off consecutive balls,
+Collier said something to him at the end of the over which disturbed
+the harmony of our XI. for several minutes.  Unfortunately the last
+Burtington batsman was more of a wag than a "sitter," he was the funny
+man of the team, and was so delighted with his own wit that Bagshaw
+said it would be a shame not to let him enjoy himself.
+
+"Every village team has its funny man," he said, "and we are jolly
+lucky to get him in last."  I am sure Bagshaw was what is called a good
+sportsman, but he was too kind to be a good captain.  I thought Sam
+Jenks was a harmless idiot when he came in with only one pad, and that
+on the wrong leg, but by the time he had fooled us out of eight or nine
+runs I was simply sick to death of him.  Lambert stated in a loud voice
+that it was not cricket, and Collier, who was most completely
+disorganized both in body and temper, retorted that if it had been
+cricket Lambert would not have been playing; while Sam, who in some
+ways was not such an ass as he tried to make out, played the next ball
+slowly to Lambert at short leg, and ran down the pitch exhorting him to
+throw it at Collier's head as soon as he got hold of it.  Possibly this
+advice, combined with a natural inability to stoop quickly, made
+Lambert even slower than usual in picking up the ball, but when he did
+pick it up he threw it violently at the wicket to which Sam was
+running.  There was some doubt whether he threw at Sam or at the
+wickets, but he missed whatever he intended to hit and the ball went
+yards away into the long grass, where it remained until four runs had
+been made and Burtington had won the match.
+
+Immediately afterwards Sam fell over his wickets in trying to make a
+stylish stroke with one leg poised in the air, and an excursion of
+Burtingtonians, headed by Mr. Plumb, sallied forth and carried him
+shoulder-high to the tent, where he was given much refreshment.
+
+One or two men on our side tried to persuade Bagshaw that there was
+plenty of time left to make as many runs as we wanted and to get the
+Burtington men out again, but when Mr. Plumb was told what we were
+talking about he came out of the tent and joined us.  He was inclined
+to be elated, and seizing Bagshaw by the arm said he should like to
+have a word with him.  They walked away from the rest of us, and, as a
+friend of Mr. Plumb's, I went with them.
+
+"Cricket is cricket, that's what I say, sir," Mr. Plumb began, and
+Bagshaw, whose manners were perfectly splendid, assented without a
+smile.
+
+"But in this yer little village there are what the parson calls local
+considerations, which I as captain of this team have got to consider."
+
+Bagshaw inquired quite patiently what these considerations were.
+
+"Well, it's like this, I keep The Reindeer, and the parson he's a
+teetotaller, not one of those stumping men who think because they drink
+nothing nobody else ought to, but what I should call broad-minded for a
+man who drinks nothing but water.  Now what the parson says to me is
+this: 'You give these young gentlemen luncheon for which they pays
+half-a-crown ahead, and it's worth it, and my missis drives up in the
+pony-cart at five and gives everybody tea.'  It's like a bargain, you
+understand."
+
+Bagshaw understood most thoroughly and tried to stop the flow of Mr.
+Plumb's conversation, but that excellent captain talked on for another
+five minutes, until two of our men who knew Bagshaw better than I did,
+took upon themselves to walk to the wickets.  Then Mr. Plumb began to
+collect his men, which seemed to be a difficult matter, and it was
+half-past four before we began again.  At five o'clock tea was ready
+and the game was interrupted for so long that we gave up all thoughts
+of winning it, but I heard afterwards from the parson himself that as a
+general rule only the batting side had tea and the other XI. had to
+take their chance of getting some.  I believe we should have won that
+match if Mr. Plumb had captained our side, but the Busters were
+generally beaten, which possibly accounted for the fact that most of
+the villages round Oxford said they were a splendid eleven.  No team
+which contained Lambert could help being splendid, but as regards
+cricket we were the most futile side it is possible to imagine, and
+Bagshaw, who was a really good sort, was also exactly the right man to
+captain it.
+
+In our second innings Lambert made nine runs, which was not a great
+score for a man who said he had been asked to play for his county, but
+was unfortunately enough to make him very pleased with himself, and
+when he got into that state of mind he was a dangerous man, for he
+always wanted to do something which was better left undone.  On this
+occasion he persuaded Jack Ward that a little dinner at The Reindeer
+would be the most sporting way of finishing the evening, and I have
+never seen any one support a suggestion more heartily than Mr. Plumb
+did this one of Lambert's.  He had a couple of beautiful ducklings
+waiting to be cooked, some lamb which would be wasted upon any one but
+real gentlemen, and some port which would make our hair curl.  Collier
+listened to this and thought it too good to miss, so he backed up
+Lambert, and Ward, who did not seem enthusiastic over the hair-curling
+port, said he would stay if I would.  There were good reasons why I
+should not stay and I mentioned them one by one, but although in the
+lump they ought to have been enough to stop me, when mentioned singly
+they did not seem to be very important.  Ward, however, saw that I did
+not want to stay, and he was on the point of chucking up the whole
+thing when Dennison said to Mr. Plumb, "You see, some of us are
+frightened to death of the dons; it is a fairly rotten state to be in,
+because we daren't call our lives our own."
+
+That remark was directed at me, and if I had been sensible I should
+have taken no notice of it, but unluckily I am one of those wretched
+people who hate to hear that I am frightened of anybody or anything,
+and for Dennison to tell Mr. Plumb such silly nonsense made me furious.
+Of course I said that I would stay, and I saw Dennison wink at Lambert;
+the brute was for ever scoring off me, he had a most unrighteous way of
+getting what he wanted.
+
+For some reason or other Bagshaw was always very decent to me, and when
+he heard that Ward, Dennison, Collier, Lambert and I were going to
+finish the evening at The Reindeer he asked me to come home in the
+brake, but that gibe of Dennison's was heavy upon me and I had
+determined to stick to my promise and do whatever came my way.  I did
+not expect that the evening was going to be anything but a rowdy one,
+for when Lambert did undertake a thing he went at it most zealously.
+First of all he got Ward to wire and ask Bunny Langham to drive over
+about ten o'clock and fetch us all back, and then he asked four or five
+of the most comical people in the Burtington team to come to The
+Reindeer after dinner and help at a smoking concert.  All of the
+Burtington team came and a number of their friends, in fact I should
+think that nearly all the labourers in the village were entertained by
+us during the evening.  Mr. Plumb began by being very pleased, and the
+evening ended in what local newspapers call "harmony," which is the
+most polite way of saying that any one sang who liked and that the
+discord was something terrible.  I sang a solo, the first and last time
+I have ever done such a thing, but I was rapturously applauded by an
+audience who were more kind and thirsty than critical.  My song was
+"Tom Bowling," at least Ward said it was more like "Tom Bowling" than
+anything else.
+
+At half-past ten Bunny Langham had not come, and by some means or other
+it was necessary that we should reach Oxford before twelve o'clock.
+Dennison suggested that we should have a "go-as-you-please" contest
+back to St. Cuthbert's, but Collier was not disposed to enter for a
+race in which he was bound to be last, and told us that if we were
+fools enough to go seven miles in an hour and a half, he would trouble
+us to rout up some don when we got back to college and say that he had
+been taken seriously unwell in Burlington, but hoped to be better in
+the morning.  A man, who called himself a veterinary surgeon, but was
+described by Mr. Plumb as a cow-doctor, said he would give Collier a
+certificate of ill-health; I do not remember from what disease he was
+supposed to be suffering.  The idea, however, of rushing seven miles as
+hard as we could was crushed by Lambert, who was in a kind of "coach
+and four" mood and very abusive.  He secured Mr. Plumb and having
+pushed him into a corner stated that he required a pair of horses and a
+wagonette, but Mr. Plumb was not in a condition to be addressed in
+terms of authority.  His sense of importance had been increasing as the
+evening went on, and from being a most innocently amusing man he had
+become an obstinate and bibulous publican.  He would have nothing to
+say to Lambert and declared that getting to Oxford was our business and
+that we ought to have thought about it before.  The best thing to do
+with such a man was to leave him to the remorse of the following
+morning, but Lambert had an insane desire to talk and, I must admit, a
+forcible way of talking.  There seemed to be a reasonable chance of a
+row, for Mr. Plumb wasn't without supporters who were as tired of us as
+we were of them, but Jack Ward managed to get hold of the cow-doctor
+and persuaded him to find some vehicle to help us on our way.  As soon
+as Mr. Plumb heard of this he declared that the cow-doctor was taking
+the bread out of his mouth, but Ward told him if that was the case he
+ought to have another drink, and after having it he became comatose and
+unobstructive.
+
+Finally we started from The Reindeer at eleven o'clock in a light
+farm-cart, Ward and Dennison sitting on the seat with the driver, while
+Collier, Lambert and I sat on the floor of the conveyance.  Lambert,
+when not singing Bacchanalian songs, complained of the indignity and
+discomfort of this performance, but I, having taken the precaution of
+propping myself against Collier, who was accustomed to being used as a
+cushion and very kind about it, was more sleepy than uncomfortable.
+Besides, men who begin to think of being dignified towards midnight are
+a nuisance, so I told Lambert he was a speechless idiot, which
+statement I found to be positively untrue.
+
+We had reached the outskirts of Oxford, and even Lambert had passed
+from the state of song and abuse to that of sleep, when the cart was
+drawn up with such a jerk that my head collided with Collier's, and I
+heard Ward say--
+
+"Why, Bunny, what the blazes are you doing here at this time of night?"
+and Bunny answered with no unnecessary length, "Walking."
+
+"But why?" Ward said.
+
+"Exercise.  Any room for another pig in the bottom of that cart?"
+
+"Jump up, quick," Ward answered, "it is a quarter to twelve, and jolly
+lucky there is a moon or I should have missed you."
+
+Bunny said that he was not going to hurry for any one, and wasted two
+or three valuable minutes before we got him safely into the cart.  He
+was in an exceedingly bad temper, and it was only by dint of
+innumerable questions that we found that he had actually started to
+drive to Burtington and that something disastrous had happened on the
+journey.  The exact nature of that disaster none of us ever discovered,
+but what Bunny wished us to believe was that he went to sleep and was
+driven into by a furniture van, and since he had been kind enough to
+start to Burtington we should have been a complete set of bounders if
+we had not suppressed Dennison when he said that no one was likely to
+believe such a tale as that.  Anybody with a grain of decency could see
+that Bunny had been having a very bad time, and though we all thanked
+him tremendously when we got out at St. Cuthbert's, and told the driver
+to take him on to Christchurch as fast as he could, he just sat in the
+bottom of the cart and said nothing.
+
+"I am afraid Bunny's ill," Ward said to me as soon as we got into
+college, and we blamed ourselves for not seeing him to "The House,"
+though had we done so we could not have got back to St. Cuthbert's
+until a quarter-past twelve.
+
+On the following morning Ward went round to see Bunny and found him
+drinking beer with his breakfast, which was a thing he never dared to
+do unless he felt aggressively well.  Ward lunched with me and said
+that Bunny was all right except that his feelings were in a state of
+disorder.
+
+"There is only one thing he is conceited about and that is his
+driving," Ward explained, "and last night he was driving a cob which a
+baby in arms could steer.  Well, Bunny got upset, and is so ashamed of
+himself that he is angry with everybody else.  He will be all right by
+dinner-time if he is left alone."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY
+
+The day following the Burtington match was a very peaceful one, but the
+evening brought with it a disturbance which was altogether unexpected.
+I was engaged at nine o'clock to read an essay to Mr. Edwardes, and I
+had been so energetic that I had written it two days before, which made
+me feel virtuous.  The subject of the essay was "Impressions of Roman
+Society as gathered from Cicero's Letters," and I had taken more than
+ordinary trouble over it, for it was the sort of question which I could
+not answer without definite knowledge.
+
+I went to Murray's rooms after dinner, and I remember telling him that
+I believed I had written something which would persuade my tutor that I
+had at least made an attempt to satisfy him.  And Murray, who was
+always trying to keep me out of rows and giving me help when I was in
+them, read a little of it, and said that it was ever so much longer
+than the one he had written.  As length meant work, I was very
+satisfied with this remark of his, and I went off to Mr. Edwardes with
+a feeling that he might be mildly pleased.
+
+He greeted me coldly and sat down by the side of the table, with his
+back almost turned to me; we did not even exchange our opinions about
+the weather, and he was evidently as anxious for me to begin as I was
+to finish.  My opening sentence was stamped by my own style.  If I say
+that no one else would have written it, I only wish to record that no
+one else would have thought it worth while; I will not quote it,
+because when I tried to read this essay a year after I had written it,
+I was struck by the fact that it was altogether too florid for
+every-day use.  Mr. Edwardes objected strongly to phrases which seemed
+to me beautifully rounded, and I gave them up slowly as one of my most
+cherished possessions.  I could not share his feelings about them at
+that time, whatever I may think of them now, and they formed a part of
+a scheme to make my essays less dull, and what I was fain to think even
+a little amusing.  But apart from my opening sentence I had in this
+essay deprived myself of the pleasure of ornate phrasing and been as
+solid as possible.  I had, however, taken great pains over my first
+words.  I wished them to convey to Mr. Edwardes that I could still
+annoy him if I liked, and afterwards I intended to show him that though
+this power remained to me I was too kind to use it.  These were not
+perhaps the reasons why I was compelled to write essays, and I doubt
+whether he would ever have discovered my scheme even if I had read him
+what I had written.  And I never did read it, for after I had finished
+the first sentence and deprived it of much of its effect by getting the
+stops mixed up, which made me want to read it over again, he turned
+round in his chair so quickly that he bumped his arm against the table,
+and if he had not been a don I should have asked him if he had hurt
+himself.  But as my efforts to please dons by inquiring after their
+health had not been successful, I went on reading until Mr. Edwardes
+stood up, and feeling then that something had gone hopelessly wrong, I
+stopped to look at him.
+
+I could see that he was exceedingly angry, but why in the world he had
+become so suddenly afflicted I had not an idea.
+
+"I do not require to hear any more of that.  You may go," he said, and
+he actually pointed to the door.  "But--" I began----
+
+"You may go," he repeated, and since he looked as if he would continue
+pointing towards the door until I obeyed him, I collected the pages on
+which I had spent so much labour and walked slowly out of the room.  I
+was too surprised to say anything more, and I did not even feel like
+banging the door.  The only thought which occurred to me was that there
+must have been something very improper in that cherished sentence, but
+if my tutor imagined that I took any pleasure in indecencies, or would
+write them consciously, I felt that he was a very silly man.  I stopped
+on the stairs and began reading my essay again; there was simply
+nothing in the beginning of it which could offend the most inquisitive
+and conscientious Mrs. Grundy.  It might have bored any one, but the
+person who could have blushed at it had not yet been born.
+
+I was most completely puzzled, and when I went back to my rooms and
+laid my rejected essay upon the table, I felt as if the only literature
+I wished to see again was the Commination Service.  It had often been
+my fate to displease masters and dons, but it was a new experience for
+me to be turned out of a room without knowing in the least why I was
+expected to go.  I came to the unsatisfying conclusion that Edwardes
+had gone mad, and I determined to see Murray so that I might tell him
+what had happened; but before I had finished writing a note which had
+to be written, both Murray and Foster came into my rooms.
+
+"Foster has got something to tell you," Murray said.
+
+"Not half as much as I have got to tell you," I answered.
+
+"I will bet you a shilling you think it more important, and you can
+decide yourself," Murray replied.
+
+I crammed my note into an envelope and looked at Fred, who was gazing,
+rather stupidly I thought, at a photo of Nina which she had sent me a
+few days before.
+
+"How many did you make against Surrey this afternoon?" I asked him.
+
+Murray began to laugh, which suggested to me that I was asking an
+awkward question.  "Was it another blob?" I inquired.
+
+"I made a hundred and two," Foster said, and looked quickly at me and
+then again at that wretched photo.  I expect he was very anxious not to
+seem too pleased with himself, but there was no reason why I should not
+be as pleased as I liked, and for a minute I forgot all about Mr.
+Edwardes.  I told Fred that he was simply a certainty for his blue, and
+Murray again seemed to be amused.
+
+"I have got it," Fred said quietly, and he stepped away from me,
+fearing that my delight might be painful to him.
+
+There is an extraordinarily small choice of things to do when you are
+very delighted; just talking seemed to be hopelessly futile, and even
+shouting was not satisfactory.  But I had to do something, so I opened
+a bottle of port, which I knew both Fred and Murray disliked, and made
+them drink some of it.  After Murray had tasted his and congratulated
+Fred again, he put his glass down by the large bowl which I had bought
+on my first expedition to the shops of Oxford, and presently fears of
+dyspepsia gripped him so furiously that he emptied the wine into the
+bowl, when he thought I was not looking.  It was '63 port given me by
+my father, and if he had seen Murray getting rid of it in this way I am
+sure that there would have been trouble; but I, not being oppressed by
+a knowledge of vintages, just filled Murray's glass up again and kept
+an eye on him to see what he would do with it.  I might, however, have
+spared myself the trouble, for he had no intention of pretending to
+drink two glasses, though he told me afterwards that some curious
+impulse had compelled him to get rid of one, and he had decided that it
+would be safer in the bowl than elsewhere.  In fact, he wished me to
+believe that he had done this as a compliment to Foster, but I could
+not follow his line of reasoning.
+
+I sat and talked for a long time about the rottenness of the Cambridge
+bowling--which, by the way, I had never seen--and the runs Fred was
+sure to make in the 'Varsity match, until he tried very hard to stop me
+saying anything more about cricket, and Murray set me going on another
+subject when he remarked that it had not taken me long to read my essay.
+
+"Edwardes has gone completely cracked," I stated.  Fred had often heard
+me express a similar opinion about masters at Cliborough, and was not
+inclined to think seriously of Edwardes' condition, but Murray had
+curiosity enough to ask me what had happened.  "You saw the beginning
+of my essay," I said to him, "and there was nothing in it which could
+offend a baby in arms, was there?"
+
+Murray said that as far as he knew I had been most modest, and he
+added, quite unnecessarily, that the only criticism he had to make upon
+it was that I had been asked to give Cicero's impression of Roman
+society, and had preferred my own.  I was not going to set myself up
+against Cicero even to please Murray, so I took no notice of his
+remark, and went on with my grievance very slowly, for a grievance does
+not get proper treatment if you spring it upon people; they just say
+"What a confounded swindle," and go on talking about their own affairs.
+I had been badly treated, and I intended to make the most of it, so I
+did not mind being a bore if I could extract a little surprise and
+sympathy from Fred and Murray.
+
+"I took a lot of trouble over this essay, I changed my style----"
+
+"The first sentence was fairly magnificent; it reminded me of Lambert
+walking across the quad," Murray interrupted me by saying.
+
+"I wrote that sentence on purpose so that Edwardes might enjoy the
+contrast afterwards."
+
+"There aren't many men who would have thought of that," Fred said, and,
+as he was trying to rot me, I agreed with him quite seriously, and
+added that I thought it was very kind of me to think so much about
+Edwardes.
+
+"But didn't he like the contrast?" Murray asked, and I thought the way
+he looked at Fred, as if something was amusing him, was fairly hard
+upon me.
+
+"He would have liked it," I said emphatically, "if I had ever given him
+a chance.  I mean if he had ever given me one."
+
+"What do you mean?" Fred asked, and I could see that it was time for me
+to come to the point of my tale.
+
+"After I had read a sentence and a half, Edwardes hopped out of his
+chair, glared at me and said he wanted to hear no more.  He then kicked
+me out of the room, and what I want to know is the reason why he did
+it; and if you two fellows can tell me that instead of grinning like
+two Chinese idols, you will be of some use."  The recital of my
+ill-treatment had made me annoyed with both Fred and Murray.
+
+Neither of them said anything for a moment, but both of them were, I
+regret to say, amused.  They missed the serious injustice of my story
+altogether, and though there was some excuse for Fred, who must have
+found it difficult to think of anything except his blue, there was no
+reason why Murray should not do or say something to show how sorry he
+was for me.
+
+"He couldn't have turned you out of the room for that," was all he said.
+
+"I tell you he did, and he was angry, very angry.  The man has gone
+utterly and hopelessly cracked; it is just my luck to get a lunatic for
+a tutor," I replied, forgetting for the instant that Murray also had a
+share in Edwardes.
+
+"He was sane enough yesterday," Murray said.
+
+"Perhaps he is one of those fellows who is affected by the sun," Foster
+put in.
+
+"There has been precious little sun to-day," Murray, who was in a most
+aggravating mood, declared.
+
+"I never said anything to him, but just began to read my essay, and
+then he jumped on me.  I shall complain to the Warden and see what he
+has to say about it.  I like the Warden," I added, by way of showing
+Murray that I could appreciate a reasonable don when I found one.
+
+Fred said that the whole thing was extraordinarily queer, and that
+there must be some explanation of it; but Murray, after being quiet for
+a minute, began to fidget like a man who has been puzzling over an
+acrostic, and is beginning to discover what it is all about.  My people
+used to do acrostics, and, when they were completely defeated, I did
+not mind being in the same room with them; but, as soon as they got
+some clue, my father fairly ramped around seeking books which he could
+not find, or asking me for information which I could not give him.  He
+had the acrostic mania quite badly.
+
+"I can tell you why Edwardes kicked you out; at least I believe I can,"
+he said at last.
+
+"Well, let us have it quick," I answered.
+
+"In the common-room the night before last you said that you were going
+to town to-day and that you wouldn't be able to read your essay to
+Edwardes."
+
+"I was going up to see a dentist, and he wrote that he couldn't see
+me," I replied.
+
+"And Dennison heard you say that you were going?"
+
+"The silly fool tried to make out that I was manufacturing the dentist
+story.  He simply makes me sick, but I don't see what he can have to do
+with this."
+
+"Did you see either Dennison or Learoyd in hall to-night?"
+
+"They weren't there, because I heard Webb asking Collier whether he had
+seen them."
+
+"I've never heard of Learoyd," Foster said, and considering that he had
+just got his blue I am afraid he must have spent a very dull time, for
+he was accustomed to see me in trouble, and might reasonably have been
+annoyed to find that even on this special evening I was in my usual
+state.  However, he did not seem to mind very much.
+
+"Learoyd is Dennison's latest discovery," I said; "but he has been
+found by the wrong man."
+
+"He is an exhibitioner and Edwardes is his tutor," Murray added; "and
+this afternoon about six o'clock I met Dennison coming out of here and
+Learoyd was waiting at the bottom of the staircase."
+
+"What on earth was Dennison doing in here?" I asked.
+
+"You aren't much good at guessing," Murray answered; "but I should say
+that having heard that you were not going to read your essay to
+Edwardes, and Learoyd not having done one to read, Dennison told him he
+would borrow yours.  I heard you tell Ward that it was just like your
+luck to have written an essay when you wouldn't be able to read it, and
+Dennison must have heard you say the same thing."
+
+"Do you mean that Learoyd had been reading out my stuff two or three
+hours before I went to Edwardes?" I asked, for port always makes my
+head feel stuffy however little I drink, and I wanted everything put
+quite clearly before me.
+
+"I should say so," Murray replied.
+
+My next remarks do not matter, but as soon as I had passed the
+explosive state I said, "That all comes from altering my style, and if
+I hadn't Edwardes must have known that it was my essay."
+
+"Confound your style," Foster replied, "it seems to me that this is
+likely to land you in a very fair row unless we do something at once.
+What sort of man is Learoyd?"
+
+"I hardly knew him until this term, and when I didn't know him I rather
+liked him, but he has been about a lot with Dennison, and seems to be
+going to the bad as hard as he can be pushed," I answered.
+
+"That's true enough," Murray said; "Learoyd was one of the nicest men
+up here until this term, and then Dennison took a fancy to him and the
+idiot has chucked up working and spends his time trying to be a blood.
+I know his people, and have tried all I know to persuade him that he
+will never make a successful blood--he isn't made for one--but I have
+done no good.  Marten isn't in it with Learoyd for rows with Edwardes,
+and the worst of it is that if his exhibition was taken away it would
+be serious.  His people are most frightfully hard up."
+
+"That makes the whole thing a thousand times more complicated," I
+replied, "I can't give a man away who is in a hole already.  I had
+better sit still and see what happens."
+
+"I should think you had better go and see Learoyd," Foster said, "he
+can't be in a bigger hole than you are."  He got up to go, and I said
+that I should wire to my people in the morning and tell them he had got
+his blue, but he told me that they knew already, and asked me if I had
+heard that Nina was coming up during the next week to see the last
+nights of the eights.
+
+"I had a letter from her last night," he continued, "and she said that
+Mrs. Marten was going to write to you."
+
+"Who is coming up with her?" I asked, and I felt that if I never wrote
+to Nina, there was no reason why she should not write to me.
+
+"She is going to stay at the Rudolf with the Faulkners.  They are
+coming next Monday morning," and having told me this, which he knew I
+should not like, he was kind enough to go away before I told him again
+what I thought of Mrs. Faulkner.  For when Fred had been staying with
+me at home the Faulkners were a fertile source of dispute between us.
+The Faulkners had plenty of money, nothing to do, and no children; they
+entertained a great deal, and had a mania for taking people up, as it
+is called.  I am almost certain that Mrs Faulkner tried to take me up
+once, but unfortunately I was expected to run in double harness with a
+fellow who wore a yellow tie and was no use at anything except talking.
+I put up with him for nearly the whole of an afternoon, until he told
+me that an ordinary dahlia, over which he was gushing, reminded him of
+the sun rising over the Hellespont, and that was altogether too much
+for me.  I left him and offended Mrs. Faulkner by telling her what I
+thought of him, and she told my mother that it was such a pity that I
+was so _gauche_.  It took me a long time to forgive her for saying
+that, and I wished Nina was coming to Oxford with some one who did not
+bother my mother with her opinions.
+
+I sat and pondered over this visit for some time, while Murray kept on
+telling me that Learoyd would be in bed if I did not hurry over to see
+him.  But what good I could get out of seeing him I could not
+understand, and Murray became quite abusive before I started.
+
+I knew Learoyd only in the most casual way, and I had never been in his
+rooms in my life, so I should not have been disappointed if he had been
+out.  I found him, however, sitting by himself, and my first impression
+was that he was either very sleepy or very sad, but whatever was the
+matter with him he could hardly have wanted to see me.  He was good
+enough, however, to say he was glad that I had come.
+
+The conversation flagged for two or three minutes until he roused
+himself suddenly.  "I have got the most vile attack of the blues
+to-night," he said, "and somehow or other I can't shake them off."  He
+seized a decanter of whisky and began pouring some of it into a glass,
+and then I did one of those things which I do impulsively and which are
+occasionally right.  I put my hand on his arm and said, "That stuff
+will only put them off until to-morrow morning."  He looked at me for a
+moment and sat down again.  "Why does every one preach to me?" he
+asked.  "I shouldn't have thought you were that sort, though you are a
+friend of Dick Murray's."  He was not angry, but just hopelessly tired
+of everything, and he looked so wretched that I felt really sorry for
+him.
+
+"I don't preach," I answered, "though if I could remember half the
+things which have been fired off at me they would make a mighty fine
+sermon.  When people take any notice of me they think that I want
+looking after and they begin to do it, the others leave me alone and
+say that I shall come to a bad end."
+
+He was evidently feeling so miserable about everything that I thought
+he might like to hear these dismal prophecies about my future.  I even
+thought they might cheer him up, and make him see that we were in the
+same boat.  But I made a mistake, for he was annoyed at the idea that
+my future could possibly be as great a failure as his.
+
+"You wouldn't say these things if you really thought you were in a
+hopeless muddle.  I have gone through it all this term, and I know.  I
+have tried to laugh, and I have drunk until I didn't care what
+happened, but it is all no use.  I have made a mess of everything, and
+there is no one to blame except myself.  And then this utterly idiotic
+row comes on the top of everything."
+
+He sat looking in front of him, and did not seem to remember that I was
+in the room, and the thought passed through my mind that I should be
+glad to wring Dennison's neck.  I asked him twice what row he was
+talking about before he spoke.
+
+"Hasn't Dennison told you?" he asked.  "I left him about an hour ago,
+and he said he would go and see you.  I thought that was what you had
+come here for, though of course nothing can be done."
+
+"I haven't seen Dennison," I said, and added, "I never do if I can help
+it," for Learoyd's statement that nothing could be done had given me no
+satisfaction.
+
+"You said that you had done an essay for Edwardes which you weren't
+going to read.  I hadn't done mine, so Dennison said you wouldn't mind
+me using yours.  He got it, and I went to Edwardes at six o'clock to
+read it, but as soon as I started he began to jump about as if
+something was stinging him, and after I had read about half a page he
+kicked me out of the room."
+
+"The man is mad after all," I said.
+
+"No, he isn't, I wish he was," Learoyd continued.  "This is what
+happened: Collier stayed in his rooms this afternoon to do his essay,
+but went to sleep, and never woke up until it was too late to do it,
+and then he remembered that you had one which wanted using so he read
+it to Edwardes at five o'clock.  I wish to goodness he hadn't put it
+back in your rooms."
+
+This was too much for me, and although Learoyd looked as miserable as
+ever, I had to laugh.
+
+"You wouldn't be so amused if you were in for the row I am," he said,
+"they will probably take away my exhibition."
+
+"I am in for exactly the same row," I answered.  "I tried to read that
+essay to Edwardes after dinner, and he looked as if he was going to
+have a fit.  I was out of the room in no time."
+
+Then Learoyd and I just sat for two or three minutes and laughed until
+he felt ever so much better.
+
+"What are we to do next?" he asked.  "After all, it was your essay."
+
+"It was no wonder Edwardes jumped about," I said, "I thought he was
+mad."
+
+"So did I, until I saw Collier.  But what are we to do?"
+
+"You say you are in a fairly tight hole," I replied.
+
+"Yes," he said, "I have been in for row after row all this term."
+
+"Then I won't claim this wretched essay, and it can't matter to
+Collier, because he hasn't got anything which the dons can take away."
+
+"What do you mean?" he asked.
+
+"Why, Collier has got to tell Edwardes he borrowed the thing, and I
+shall sit tight, so they will naturally think it is yours."
+
+"I can't stand that," he replied.
+
+"Why not?" I asked.  "They won't do anything desperate to me, and of
+course Collier won't mind at all."
+
+I talked until I thought that Learoyd saw how much better my
+arrangement was than anything he could suggest, and although he would
+not promise to do what I proposed, I thought that I had arranged
+everything when I left him.  But Learoyd was not the sort of man who
+would get out of a row by sacrificing any one else, and on the
+following morning both he and Collier went to Edwardes and told him
+exactly what had happened.  It was very nice of them to do it, but it
+deprived me of the comfortable feeling of having done Learoyd a really
+good turn, and brought me to the ground again rather too abruptly to
+please me.  So having been kicked out of the room for nothing, I went
+at once to Edwardes and tried to convey to him, as one man would to
+another, that I would forget his treatment of me if he would let off
+Collier and Learoyd, but especially Learoyd, as lightly as possible.
+That mission of mine, however, was a mistake.  Mr. Edwardes said he was
+not in a position to bargain with any undergraduate, and that he had no
+doubt that should the dons require my assistance in managing the
+college they would ask me to help them.  After I had left him I should
+think he must have regretted saying such sarcastic things, for Learoyd
+only got a final warning that his exhibition would be taken away at the
+end of the term unless he worked properly, and nothing whatever
+happened to Collier.  But I am afraid Edwardes never gave me the credit
+for my essay which I felt that I deserved.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+NINA COMES TO OXFORD
+
+There can be few men in Oxford who do not enjoy themselves during
+Eights' Week, and I imagine that the only miserable people to be found
+are those who happen to be in an eight which is bumped several times
+during the week.  If any one is so misguided that he wants to make a
+study of depression I should advise him to take a seat on the barge of
+a college which has a very bad eight, and if he waits until the boat
+comes back to the barge he will see some of the most unsmiling faces in
+the world.
+
+Rowing is a most serious form of sport, and no one can wonder that a
+crew which has been bumped is unable to look very cheerful.  It seems
+to me that a rowing man deserves a lot of credit even if he rows very
+badly; indeed I am not sure that the man who rows the worst does not
+deserve the most credit, for he has gone through the same drudgery as
+the rest of the crew, and has probably been sworn at a thousand times
+more often.  I should be very surprised if a rowing man at the end of
+so much forcible criticism and strenuous labour could smile when his
+boat is bumped.  I know that if I had ever been in a boat which had
+been bumped, and the only reason why I have not been is because I have
+never rowed in a bumping race, I should want to hit somebody over the
+head with my oar or denounce the cox.  Coxes, indeed, have told me that
+although they have never seen my first wish put into practice, my
+second is such an ordinary occurrence that the cox who has not suffered
+from it must be either deaf or a genius.  And if a reasonable man
+cannot help being sorry for an eight which has toiled many weeks only
+to be bumped, I think he ought to be far more sorry for the cox, whose
+cool appearance when the rest of his crew are hot and angry, is in
+itself an aggravation.
+
+I must say, however, that the only cox I ever knew well could not have
+failed to deserve all he ever heard, he was one of those pretentious
+little people who can only be described by the word "perky," and his
+side was simply terrific.  But all the same, if a very small man goes
+up to Oxford and guesses that it will be his fate to steer slow eights
+during the time he is there, I should advise him to start a society for
+the protection of coxes, and elect himself the first president.  He
+will not do the slightest good, but he will get some fun from being
+president, and he will also be able to choose colours for the society
+and wear a gorgeous tie, if there is any combination of colours which
+has not already been annexed, and there can't be many left to choose
+from.
+
+It is the easiest thing in the world to start clubs if all you want to
+get out of them is a remarkable tie and hatband, and I knew a man--by
+sight--who started three clubs in two years.  The first he called "The
+Roysterers," and they were supposed to dine twice a term in waistcoats
+decorated with R.D.C. buttons; the second he named "The Oddfish," a
+club which was intended to be eccentric, and from the extraordinary
+colours they adopted I should think they were aptly named.  Their chief
+function was drinking, and although I never went to any of their
+carousals I believe they discharged it thoroughly.  The third club
+which this energetic man founded was not given up to eating and
+drinking, but devoted itself to the discussion of moral and artistic
+subjects.  They called themselves "The Bumble-Bees," though I never
+could understand the reason why they chose such a name, unless it was,
+as Murray suggested, that after they had touched a thing there was no
+sweetness left in it.  I should not like to say how many more clubs
+this man would have started had he been given the opportunity, but he
+was sent down at the end of his second year, and I have met him since
+in Florence wearing a Bumble-Bee tie and Oddfish ribbon round his
+straw-hat.  I regret to say that he belonged to St. Cuthbert's, and he
+was really a nuisance, because there was so strong a feeling against
+these miscellaneous colours during my first summer term that nearly all
+the men who could do anything respectably wore black bands on their
+straw-hats, and the effect was most dismal.
+
+Dennison heard that my sister was coming up for Eights' week, and he
+told me calmly that he should like to meet her.  I may have imagined
+that he considered this an act of condescension on his part, for I
+cannot pretend that I was always fair to him.  I distrusted him so
+thoroughly that I never believed a word he said, and the only possible
+way for peace between us was for each of us to leave the other alone.
+But this way did not suit him, for I suppose that I knew too many men
+to be left out entirely from his consideration, and it seems to me that
+it is more annoying for a man to be friendly when you want to have
+nothing to do with him, than it is for anybody to take no notice of you
+when you would be glad to be his friend.  I did not, however, mean to
+let Nina meet Dennison, for I never knew whom she might like or
+dislike, and it would have been a most horrible complication if she had
+fallen a victim to Dennison's smile.  So I told him that Nina would not
+be in Oxford for more than two or three days, and that I did not know
+her plans, which was true enough as far as it went, and must have been
+enough for him to understand what I meant.
+
+Although I was useless in a boat, I was always most vigorously excited
+during Eights' week.  Three years before I went to Oxford St.
+Cuthbert's had been head of the river, but we had by slow degrees
+dwindled down to fifth, and in spite of one or two men who assured me
+that we had a much better eight than we were thought to have, I knew
+that we were more likely to go down than up.  Still I am sorry for the
+man who does not feel his nerves tingle at the prospect of a race, and
+you tingle all the more if you do not expect to be beaten, so I tried
+to forget the general opinion about our eight and to imagine that the
+boat in front of us was going to have an anxious time.
+
+Brasenose was head of the river, and after them came New College,
+Magdalen, and Christ Church; we were fifth, and I took no interest in
+the boat behind us, though I did know that it was Trinity.  So keen was
+I that I resolved to run with our boat if I could get any one to run
+with me, and I asked quite half-a-dozen men before I found somebody who
+was not looking after his own or somebody else's sisters.  The man who
+said he would run with me was Jack Ward, and he surprised me very much
+when he told me that he would far rather see some of the racing than
+sit on a barge with a crowd of ladies, and he even consented to run all
+the first three nights and then help me to look after Nina when she
+came up.  He knew, I expect, that I was not likely to run very far, and
+that there was no danger of his being left somewhere near Iffley to
+walk up by himself.
+
+I have a feeling that if I had to sit in a boat and hear the seconds
+counted out before the starting-gun is fired that my first stroke would
+be a most terrific crab.  Even standing on the bank is nervous enough
+work, and what it must be like for those who have got to row I cannot
+imagine.  I kept moving about so much before the start that Ward told
+me I should be tired before I began to run, but I am unable to keep
+still when things are going to happen, and just before the last gun
+went I had an inspiration and moved up to the place from which Christ
+Church started.  By this means I kept up for quite a long way, but it
+would be untrue to say I enjoyed myself.  We began to gain on Christ
+Church at once, and were very soon within half-a-length of them, but I
+had no breath to use for shouting, and not having a rattle I could make
+no row at all; moreover I am an erratic runner, so whenever I looked at
+the boats I kicked or ran into somebody, and I could not retort when
+they said things to me.  I pounded along as far as the Long Bridges,
+which was really quite a long way, and when I stopped I was sure that
+we should catch Christ Church.  I stood away from the path and tried to
+persuade myself that I was not feeling very unwell, but I waited until
+the crowds with the other boats had passed by, and then I walked as
+fast as I could up the towing-path.  I even ran once, for a short way,
+because I wanted to get back before all the excitement had stopped on
+our barge.  I felt certain that we were going head of the river, and
+that comfortable sensation seemed to improve my wind, but it took me
+some time to get up the towing-path.  The first disconcerting thing I
+saw were a lot of people cheering frantically on what I thought was the
+Trinity barge, but I did not know all the barges properly, and I came
+to the conclusion that whoever had told me that this one belonged to
+Trinity could not have spoken the truth.  So I forced my way up the
+path until I got opposite to our barge, and there I found Jack Ward
+looking very purple in the face.
+
+"Did we catch them?" I asked, and I thought that all our men who were
+waiting to be punted across to the barge might have made a little more
+noise.
+
+"Catch what?" he said.
+
+"Why, the House of course," I answered, for it was not very likely we
+should catch any one else.
+
+"Trinity caught us," he replied, and as the punt came over at that
+moment he gave a huge shove and managed to get into it.  I looked
+across the river and saw a very silent crowd on our barge, so I decided
+it was no place for me and walked solidly to the end of the towing-path
+and went home over Folly Bridge.  It was a long way round, and I cannot
+imagine any one going back to St. Cuthbert's by such a route if he felt
+happy.  When I saw Jack Ward at dinner I said that I should not run any
+more, and he replied that I was a fairly poor sort of sportsman; so I
+did run on both Friday and Saturday, and on Saturday night St.
+Cuthbert's was eighth on the river instead of fifth, and as we could
+find no other excuse we said that our crew was stale, but I am afraid
+the truth was that they were fairly fast for about half the course and
+then went to pieces.
+
+I had not told Nina that our eight was a bad one, and what she would
+say I did not care to think, for she never paid any attention to
+excuses, and was rather inclined to consider that I was insulting her
+personally when I was connected with anything which was not successful.
+At any rate I was thankful that we were still a long way above Oriel,
+for I knew that Nina would never understand that Oriel had given
+themselves up, more or less, to cricket and soccer, and were not very
+afflicted by the fact that their boat was nearly bottom of the river.
+
+I was sure that when Fred explained things to her she would say, "But
+why don't you row as well, I should hate to have my college at the
+bottom?" and this was almost exactly what happened.  Fred made an
+effort to get out of it by saying that Oriel was only a small college
+and could not be expected to be good at everything, but Nina evidently
+thought that it was large enough to have eight men who could row, and
+she was not inclined to be pleased with either Fred or me when we went
+to the Rudolf and lunched with Mrs. Faulkner on the Monday.  It was
+characteristic of Mr. Faulkner that he had not been able to come to
+Oxford, and his chief function in life, as far as I ever discovered it,
+was to get out of accompanying his wife on her countless expeditions.
+
+"It seems stupid coming up here to see St. Cuthbert's bumped and Oriel
+nearly last on the river.  I understood from Godfrey that St.
+Cuthbert's had a great reputation for rowing," Nina said.
+
+I avoided Fred's eye, for I thought that he might be amused, and to
+turn the conversation away from a dangerous subject, I took upon myself
+to make what seemed to me a wise remark.
+
+"There are other things to see in Oxford besides the bumping races," I
+answered.
+
+Nina sniffed very audibly, but Mrs. Faulkner hastened to the rescue.
+
+"I think Godfrey is quite right," she said; "it is disappointing to
+find that the colleges in which we are especially interested are so
+unlucky, but Nina hasn't seen Oxford before, and I am sure she will be
+delighted with it;" and Nina, who really could be quite nice when she
+liked, forgave Fred and me for the iniquities of our eights, and
+answered that she was longing to go out.
+
+Of course Mrs. Faulkner fell to my lot, and while we walked down the
+Broad it pleased her to talk about Nina and to make me say that she was
+very pretty.  I did think that Nina was not bad-looking, but she was my
+sister and I should as soon have thought of saying that she was
+wonderfully pretty, as I should of declaring that there was a striking
+resemblance between the Apollo Belvedere and myself, and my imagination
+has never carried me as far as that.  As I was not saying much about
+Nina Mrs. Faulkner tried to make me talk about myself, but I
+interrupted her.
+
+"This is St. Cuthbert's," I said; "shall we go in?"
+
+She looked at me and smiled.  "You are really rather extraordinary,
+Godfrey; if any one tries to flatter you, you shut up like a hedgehog.
+I am sure you have improved immensely and I am beginning to like you
+very much," she declared.
+
+I simply detested her at that moment, for when people make remarks like
+that I feel as if some one was pouring cold water down my spine, and as
+I meant to show Nina round St. Cuthbert's I managed to change
+companions in the lodge, and left Fred to listen to the improvements in
+himself, which Mrs. Faulkner, with her great gift for romance, was sure
+to say that she had discovered.
+
+As soon as I got Nina into the big St. Cuthbert's quad she forgot that
+she had started by almost quarrelling with me.  I was born,
+unfortunately, without a keen eye for beautiful things, and even when I
+see something which I like to look at again and again, some scene which
+gives you a peaceful feeling or a picture which helps you to forget
+that there is anything ugly in the world, I cannot express myself.
+When I like anybody I want to tell them so, but once when I saw a
+splendid sunset in Bavaria and said, "How simply ripping," my father
+told me not to make a fool of myself, and somehow or other I felt that
+he was right.  So I was very glad that I had to show Nina the beauties
+of St. Cuthbert's while it was her duty to admire them.  She had never
+been inside an Oxford quadrangle before, and though I think any one
+with two eyes and a grain of common-sense would say that Oxford is
+beautiful, I must admit that Nina saw St. Cuthbert's for the first time
+under the most favourable circumstances possible.  She looked at the
+old walls and the flower-boxes which were outside nearly all the
+windows, and did not talk any nonsense about them; even the creepers
+seemed to be greener than usual in the sunlight of the afternoon.  In
+the chapel somebody was playing the organ, which may have been a
+meretricious effect, but it pleased Nina, and that was all I cared
+about.  The whole college was most wonderfully peaceful, no one could
+imagine that the quadrangle had ever been made hideous by Bacchanalian
+yells.  And I felt proud of it, which was quite a new sensation to me,
+and I suppose it was Nina's delight that made me see things
+differently.  I took her to my rooms, which seemed to be small and
+gloomy enough after the hall and the quadrangle, but she said that they
+were far more comfortable than she had expected them to be, and she sat
+down in the most comfortable of my easy-chairs and looked as if she
+intended to stop for ever.  I suggested to her that we should go down
+to the river and see Oriel struggling in the second division, but she
+decided that one dose of racing would be enough for her, and said that
+Fred could take Mrs. Faulkner to the river if she wanted to go.  She
+had not been so fond of my society for a long time, and for quite ten
+minutes, with the aid of cherries, we got on splendidly together.  Then
+the conversation languished and I began to show her things which she
+did not want to see; it is so very hard to please anybody who does not
+pretend to like things which they do not like.  Nina began to hum at
+last, and if there is one noise which I detest it is humming.  To make
+matters worse her tune was one I especially disliked, but as I was her
+host I made a gallant attempt not to listen to it.  So I whistled, and
+I expect we had nearly reached a crisis when Mrs. Faulkner and Fred
+appeared.  I was very fond indeed of Nina, and I am sure that she would
+have been indignant if any one had told her that she was not fond of
+me, but when we had not seen each other for some time and were left
+alone together we often irritated each other.  It was a terrible
+nuisance, but it is no use denying that I was glad to see Mrs. Faulkner
+again, and if any one had told me that such a thing was possible when I
+left her at the lodge I should have denounced him with many words.  I
+could see that Fred had not been enjoying himself, and while Mrs.
+Faulkner and Nina were discussing loudly what they should do next, he
+told me that he had been asked a perfect fusillade of questions none of
+which he could answer.  "How old is that fig-tree in your garden?" he
+asked thoughtlessly, and Mrs. Faulkner's attention was turned upon me.
+
+"What fig-tree?" I asked.
+
+Fred tittered audibly, and Mrs. Faulkner seemed to forget that only a
+short time before she had discovered an immense improvement in me.
+
+"Do you mean to say that you live close to that beautiful fig-tree and
+don't even know of its existence?" she demanded.
+
+"Oh yes, I know about it," I answered; "it has stuff put round to keep
+it warm in the winter, but I have never asked how old it is.  You see
+the dons more or less monopolize our gardens, so you can't expect us to
+know much about them."
+
+"Notices are put up to say that certain parts of them are reserved for
+the dons of the college, aren't they?" Foster said, and he laughed
+again, but I said nothing.  "I shall tell Nina the tale if you don't,"
+he added.
+
+"I should like to hear something amusing," Nina said, as if there was
+not the slightest chance of her wish being gratified.
+
+"It's not very funny," I began, for I had a feeling that Mrs. Faulkner
+would not like this tale.
+
+"Well, anything's better than nothing," Nina declared wisely, and so,
+to pacify her, I continued.
+
+"These notices annoyed some men, so they dug a hole and bought a large
+sort of milk-pail arrangement to fit into it and a box of sardines.
+Then we filled the pail with water and put in the sardines, and Jack
+Ward put up a little notice, 'This fishing is reserved for the dons of
+the college.  Licences may be obtained at the lodge.'  The dons should
+not be so greedy about the garden," I added, because Mrs. Faulkner
+looked very disgusted.
+
+"Did you really make a large hole in that beautiful turf?" she asked at
+once.  "You began in the third person, but I expect you and this Mr.
+Ward did it; you ought to have been rusticated, or whatever the word
+is."
+
+"We were never found out, and the dons didn't mind; they thought it not
+a bad joke of its kind," I answered.
+
+"Then their sense of humour must have become perverted," she replied.
+"I think Mr. Ward must have a very bad influence over you."
+
+Nina laughed and said she insisted upon meeting Jack.
+
+"I sincerely hope you won't do anything of the kind," Mrs. Faulkner
+stated.  "The dons must know what is best for the undergraduates, and
+such tricks are very unbecoming; I am sure my husband always admitted
+this when he was at Cambridge."
+
+It was hardly fair to pull in Mr. Faulkner, so I said that I would get
+some tea, which put an end to the discussion, for I did not think it
+wise to say that I had asked Jack to meet Nina at luncheon on the
+following day.  By the time we had finished tea Fred was tired of Mrs.
+Faulkner, and he slipped off with Nina in a way which was really too
+clever to be very nice.  Mrs. Faulkner, however, was quite amiable, and
+she smiled on me steadily from the beginning of the Broad Walk to the
+end of it, which as a feat of endurance I feel it my duty to mention.
+
+When we got down to the river the band was playing on the 'Varsity
+barge, and Mrs. Faulkner really began to enjoy herself.  The flags
+flying from all the barges pleased her, and the smartness of the ladies
+made her compare the scene to church parade on a June morning in Hyde
+Park.  I knew nothing about church parades and very little about Hyde
+Park, but I said that I thought this must beat anything in London.
+Then I got a chair for her and looked round to find Nina and Fred, but
+as I could not see them anywhere, I said that I must go and hunt for
+them.  Mrs. Faulkner, however, had no intention of letting me go, and I
+had to be a kind of Baedeker for over half-an-hour.  I was not a very
+good Baedeker, I confess, but I had found out that one way to make
+things uncomfortable with this lady was not to answer every question
+she asked, so I supplied her with a good deal of information which I
+sincerely hope she never passed on to any one else.  Unfortunately our
+barge is near the 'Varsity's, and during the races a string of little
+flags fly from the 'Varsity barge to show the order of the colleges on
+the river.  I knew them well enough down to ours, and I even knew the
+ninth and tenth, but when Mrs. Faulkner wanted to know the whole lot, I
+had to use my imagination.  I know that I said Hertford twice and I
+finished up with All Souls, who only have about three undergraduates,
+so if they had rowed at all they would have been several men short.
+
+"I should like to write the colleges down if I had a pencil," she said;
+"you rattle them off so fast.  Didn't you say that one flag belonged to
+the University, but the University flag is surely dark blue?"
+
+And then I had to explain that University was a college and not the
+whole place, and she replied that she knew so much more about Cambridge
+than Oxford, and complained that our colleges had very confusing names.
+"Oriel!" she said scornfully, "it reminds me of a window, and then you
+have no originality.  Exeter, Worcester, Lincoln, why they are just
+names of towns, you can find them all in Bradshaw."
+
+"Well, at any rate Bradshaw's got nothing to do with it," I replied.
+"These colleges are hundreds of years old, and Bradshaw's a chicken
+compared with them."
+
+"What dreadful slang.  Fancy calling Bradshaw a chicken!" she
+exclaimed.  "Besides, you have a college called Keble, and my father
+knew Dr. Keble, so that _can't_ be hundreds of years old.  No,
+Cambridge have chosen their names better than Oxford."
+
+"Sidney Sussex," I said, for I thought it necessary to make some reply;
+"it's more like the name of one of Ouida's heroes than a college."
+
+She shook her head gently.  "I can't get over your colleges sounding
+like railway-stations," she answered.
+
+"You must blame the bishops who founded them and not Bradshaw or me," I
+replied, for I was getting very tired.
+
+"Some one told me Keble is built of red-brick," she said.
+
+"Red-brick is so bright," I answered, but I wanted to say something
+quite different, and at last a dim noise which quickly developed into a
+tremendous roar told us that the boats were coming.
+
+Brasenose paddled home first, and not one of the next six boats were in
+any danger of being caught.  It was reserved for us and Merton to give
+the people on the barges some excitement, but when I saw Merton
+pressing us fearfully I wished that I was not hemmed in by a crowd of
+ladies.  I yelled tremendously because I could not help myself, and
+Mrs. Faulkner, after saying something which I did not catch, put her
+hands over her ears.  But shouting was useless.  The abominable thing
+happened right in front of our barge, and when I saw our cox's hand go
+up to show that all was over, it was a very bad moment indeed.
+
+"Poor St. Cuthbert's, how very unfortunate they are," I heard a girl
+say; and some one else answered, "Yes, it's quite pathetic, so
+different from what one used to expect from them, but I am told that
+they are not the college they were."  That remark made me feel furious,
+and it was not until Mrs. Faulkner pulled my coat violently that I
+remembered that she was sitting close to me.
+
+"Did you make a bump?" I heard her asking me.
+
+"No, Merton bumped us.  We shall soon be sandwich boat," I answered,
+for I spoke without thinking.
+
+"Sandwich boat, my dear Godfrey, is this a picnic?" she returned, and I
+did not know whether she was serious or only trying to be funny.
+
+"There's not much picnic about it," I replied; "we've gone down four
+places in four nights."
+
+"But what is a sandwich boat.  They don't have such things at
+Cambridge."
+
+"They do, at any rate my cousin rowed eight times in four nights and
+nearly died after it.  A sandwich boat is bottom of one division and
+top of the other, so it has got to row in both; it's got nothing to do
+with ham.  Shall we go?"
+
+Every one was leaving the barges, but Mrs. Faulkner remained in her
+chair.
+
+"Isn't that girl in mauve a perfect dream?" she said to me, but I
+pretended not to hear.  I had to wait for several minutes while dresses
+and the people who wore them were criticized, and I am sure that
+nothing but the National Anthem or force could have stirred Mrs.
+Faulkner from her seat.
+
+We found Nina and Fred waiting for us, and Nina said she had been
+having a splendid time on the Oriel barge.  But I could think of
+nothing except that we were not the college we used to be, and I left
+Fred to talk to both Mrs. Faulkner and Nina.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE
+
+When I got back to my rooms after leaving Mrs. Faulkner and Nina I
+found a note from Owen asking me to go and see him at once.  Since he
+had, until then, avoided me in every possible way I guessed that
+something serious had happened, and when I got to his rooms in Lomax
+Street, I found him in bed with a cough which ought to have frightened
+his landlady instead of making her in a very bad temper.  He was,
+however, more worried about the interruption to his reading than
+anxious about himself, and he said flatly that he could not afford to
+have a doctor.  I tried to cheer him up--but you can't cheer up a man
+with a cough--and I told him I would come to him whenever he wanted me,
+and made him promise he would send for me if I could do anything for
+him.  He did not seem to have a single friend in Oxford, and the
+loneliness of the man made me feel absolutely wretched.
+
+I went to a very confidential chemist who knew nearly every man who had
+ever been at Oxford, and everything under the sun, and explained to him
+what sort of cough Owen had.  He understood instantly, and said that he
+would send a mixture which worked miracles, but I could not get Owen
+off my mind at once, and when Jack Ward came in very late to see me I
+sat up talking to him until a most unrighteous hour, with the result
+that I lay in bed the next morning until I was perfectly tired of my
+scout coming to call me.
+
+A letter from my mother was on my table in which she said that I was on
+no account to allow Nina to interrupt my reading, but I had only just
+finished breakfast, when Mrs. Faulkner and Nina came into my rooms.
+Mrs. Faulkner fixed her eyes on the tea-pot and said nothing; Nina,
+however, asked if everybody in Oxford breakfasted at eleven o'clock.  I
+had not expected them, and was consequently a little flurried; the
+truth is that I was not properly dressed, which handicapped my
+movements considerably.  Decency compelled me to keep my legs under the
+table, until I could slip into my bedder.  I was not in a condition to
+treat visitors who goaded at my laziness with any courage; tact was the
+only thing possible.  In my agitation I did not notice that Nina had
+put on the clock quite twenty minutes, and when she asked me if I was
+going to sit in front of the marmalade for the rest of the day, I had
+to reply that I thought it was rather a good place to sit.  I had
+managed to hide myself behind the table-cloth when I stood up to wish
+them good-morning, but I simply did not dare to move again.
+
+Mrs. Faulkner fluttered round the room looking at photographs; the bare
+knees of the Rugger XV. compelled her to say that she did not think
+them at all nice.  I put my legs farther under the table and felt like
+blushing.  She began to suspect that I was hiding something, and I am
+afraid she was the sort of woman who did not understand, until she had
+discovered them, that there are some things which had better remain
+hidden.  She tried little tricks to entice me from my seat, and even
+came and examined the table-cloth, which was ordinary enough, though
+she said it was a beautiful one.  I did not see how a white table-cloth
+could be beautiful, but I clutched it most fervently and her ruse
+failed.  She then asked me if a plate which had cost
+elevenpence-farthing was Wedgwood, and asked me to take it off the wall
+so that she might see the mark on the back.  I told her I had bought it
+at the Japanese shop and mentioned the sum it cost, but she declared
+that I had got a bargain and she must have it down.  I replied that it
+was a fixture, though I meant that I was, and that no one had ever been
+known to find a bargain in a Japanese shop.  Then she grew plaintive;
+"I think you might please me in this, Godfrey," she said.
+
+The time had come for me to take Nina into my confidence.  Mrs.
+Faulkner's eyes were fixed on the plate and her back was turned to me;
+I poked out one leg tentatively and Nina understood.  There was one
+splendid thing about Nina, you could always rely upon her in a crisis.
+She took up a chair at once and said that she would get the plate down;
+she added that unless I sat still after meals I might have very bad
+indigestion, but that was too much for Mrs. Faulkner.
+
+"I shouldn't think Godfrey has had indigestion in his life," she said.
+"I don't believe he has ever heard of pepsine.  He is in a
+disgracefully bad temper; there is nothing else the matter with him as
+far as I can see."
+
+"He was a very delicate child," Nina answered, "and has always been
+quite disgracefully spoilt.  He never does anything which he doesn't
+like."  I felt that Nina was over-playing her part, but I could not
+defend myself.
+
+"It is so nice having Nina here to do things for me," I said meekly;
+"and I hope you don't mind me treating you as if you are a relation," I
+added to Mrs. Faulkner.
+
+"I do mind very much; nothing is an excuse for being lazy and
+ill-natured.  I was brought up in the old school, I suppose," she
+answered, and I wished to goodness she had never left it.
+
+Nina got up on the chair and pretended that she could not reach the
+plate.
+
+"Now if you stood up here you could reach it," she said, turning round
+to Mrs. Faulkner.
+
+"But Godfrey will surely not allow me to do that," she replied.
+
+"I always said that you were taller than Nina," I could not help
+remarking, for Nina prided herself on being about three inches taller
+than she was; and she had said all sorts of things about me.
+
+"I wonder if I could reach the plate," Mrs. Faulkner said.
+
+"It would be rather a sporting thing to try," I answered.  "Nina
+couldn't reach it."
+
+"I think not," she returned; "I might fall over backwards."  And she
+sat down carefully in my biggest arm-chair.
+
+My scout came in to clear away breakfast, and the situation was
+desperate.  I picked up a piece of toast hastily and told him to come
+back in half-an-hour.  Mrs. Faulkner had taken her seat behind me, and
+I could only turn with difficulty to talk to her; while Nina's
+enthusiasm on my behalf seemed to have waned since her plot to get Mrs.
+Faulkner on the chair had failed.  If I had only dressed the lower part
+of myself properly instead of the top part it would not have mattered
+so much, but as it was a collar and a St. Cuthbert's XI. tie were
+superfluous when other more necessary garments were lacking.  I was on
+the point of throwing myself upon the mercy of Mrs. Faulkner and of
+explaining to her that a lot of men I knew wore very short pyjama
+trousers and no socks in the mornings if they intended to read, when
+Murray burst into my rooms and almost asked me why I had cut a lecture
+before he saw that I had visitors.
+
+I introduced him, and in the same breath declared that he would be
+delighted to show his rooms.  I was becoming reckless, and did not care
+if he thought me mad.  I went on to say that he had some splendid
+prints which Mrs. Faulkner would like to see, and Nina was kind enough
+to ask him if he would mind very much if they invaded his rooms.  He
+saw that something odd was happening; but Mrs. Faulkner was looking at
+me, and I could make only one sign to him.  I reached as far as I could
+under the table and having kicked off a bedroom slipper, I stuck out
+enough toes to tell him as much as he wanted to know.
+
+"Will you come?" he asked Mrs. Faulkner.  "I am afraid I have only one
+print; but I should like you to see my rooms."
+
+Mrs. Faulkner said that she would be delighted.
+
+"Let us all go," she added; "I am sure Godfrey has been sitting long
+enough at that table."
+
+"I will be with you in two minutes," I answered.
+
+Murray stood aside for them to go out, and closed the door behind him,
+and I fairly bolted into my bedroom.  But in two minutes I was dressed
+and able to go to Murray's rooms, armed with the most beautiful
+suggestions for spending the day.
+
+"Will your digestion really allow you to walk about so soon?" Mrs.
+Faulkner asked.
+
+"He never has anything the matter with him," Murray said, with all the
+thoughtlessness of a dyspeptic.  "He used to eat huge lunches, and then
+play footer; there's not much wrong with a man like that."
+
+"You don't know what I have suffered in secret," I replied; and Nina
+now that I was clothed again turned upon me and said, "Have you known
+him all these years and not found that out, Mrs. Faulkner?"
+
+"There is a good deal about Godfrey that I don't quite understand," was
+the answer, and since I could not wonder at that, I begged to be
+allowed to take her wherever she wished to go.
+
+We strolled about Oxford until lunch-time, and I answered every
+question asked me, and most of my answers were accurate.  For I had
+been careful enough to take an Oxford guide-book to bed with me, and
+had not entirely wasted the early morning.  In fact Mrs. Faulkner's
+visit forced me to see that I knew very little about Oxford.  My
+guide-book knowledge was so condensed that it was more satisfying than
+satisfactory, and if I had been asked what I charged per hour, I should
+have had no right to be angry.
+
+However, I did march Mrs. Faulkner and Nina round some of the sights of
+the place.  I showed them the Bodleian, All Souls, Shelley's memorial,
+and finally brought them to a shady seat in Addison's Walk.  I had been
+compelled to hurry for two reasons; in the first place we had not very
+much time, and secondly, my knowledge was not proof against the string
+of questions which only want of breath could stop Mrs. Faulkner from
+asking.  I should imagine that a large number of men never find out how
+great their ignorance of Oxford is until they have to show people round
+it, and I candidly confess that on this day I was ashamed of myself.  I
+was more at home in Addison's Walk than in any other place to which I
+had taken them, for it was in the open air, and also there was
+something about Addison and Steele and Gay which made me like them.
+The coffee-houses at which they met must have had some mysterious
+attraction for me, I think, and led me on to read what they had
+written.  I should have liked to have Sir Roger de Coverley for my
+uncle, and I cannot imagine a nicer man to have a day's fishing with
+than Will Wimble.  I hated Pope as much as I liked Addison, and though
+Mrs. Faulkner said he was a great satirist, I thought of him only as a
+man who wrote most disagreeable things about his friends.
+
+"It is necessary to separate the man from his work, if you are to be a
+good critic," Mrs. Faulkner said, and though this remark may be true
+enough I did not answer it, for Nina was looking extremely bored by the
+conversation we had been having about Addison.
+
+"We may as well go to Oriel and find Fred," I suggested, and Nina got
+up at once.
+
+"Unfortunately the art of satire is dead, drowned by exaggeration,"
+Mrs. Faulkner said as we went through the cloisters.
+
+"I think it's a better death than it deserves, don't you, Nina?" I
+replied.
+
+"I know nothing whatever about it," she answered.
+
+"Abuse has taken the place of satire," Mrs. Faulkner continued.
+
+"And a jolly good job, too," I said, for Nina's face of disgust made me
+forget to whom I was talking; "it is those sly digs in the ribs which
+make me ill."
+
+"My dear Godfrey, what dreadful slang you use.  A few minutes ago you
+surprised me by being interested in English literature, and now you
+talk as if there had never been such a thing."
+
+"You surprised me, too," I said, for I felt as if I had concealed
+enough for one day.
+
+"How?  Do tell me," Mrs. Faulkner said quickly.
+
+"I should not have thought that you cared about Addison or any of those
+old people," I answered, but I began to wish I had been more cautious.
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know."
+
+"But, why not?"
+
+"Well, I thought you were more modern."
+
+"I don't know what you mean," she said.
+
+"I am sure I don't," I answered; and as we passed Long Wall Street I
+managed to get on the far side of Nina, and to beseech her to say
+something.
+
+"I insist on you telling me what you mean," I heard Mrs. Faulkner say,
+but before I could even think of my answer Nina had come to my rescue
+by declaring that she admired the hat of a girl who was walking in
+front of us.  It was a flower-garden hat, and looked more like an
+advertisement for somebody's seeds than a decent covering for the head.
+Nina's remark, however, turned Mrs. Faulkner's attention away from me,
+and we listened to a lecture on taste until we were safely in Oriel.
+
+But Fred was not forthcoming, and Mrs. Faulkner promptly decided that
+he was working.  Comparisons, in which I took no kind of interest, were
+drawn between his industry and my laziness.  I endured them in silence,
+though I could have given Fred away had I liked, for his cap and gown
+were both in his rooms, and I knew that he was more probably batting in
+a net than taking notes at a lecture.
+
+After looking round Oriel, Mrs. Faulkner and Nina went back to the
+Rudolf, and I said that I must go to St. Cuthbert's and see that their
+luncheon had not been forgotten.  Mrs. Faulkner smiled at me
+sorrowfully when I left her, and I believe she intended me to believe
+that I had hurt her feelings very much.  If I live to threescore years
+and ten I shall not understand Mrs. Faulkner.  I felt very bothered
+that morning, for Nina and Mrs. Faulkner would not be in a good temper
+at the same time; but I met Dennison in the quad, who introduced me to
+his mother, two sisters, two cousins and an aunt.  He looked quite
+tired, and asked me to luncheon, but unless he had engaged the biggest
+room at the Sceptre I should think he must have been glad when I
+refused.  He was, however, most palpably short of men.  I had hardly
+got rid of Dennison when I ran into Lambert, escorting four more ladies
+with prodigiously long names; I think he must have found them at the
+theatre, and he looked more pleased with himself than ever.  When I got
+back to my rooms I felt quite thankful that my party had not reached an
+unwieldy size, and I had not to wait long before Mrs. Faulkner, Nina
+and Fred all arrived together.
+
+It is no use trying to give a luncheon party in a very small room,
+which was not built for parties of any kind, unless every one is
+prepared to be thoroughly uncomfortable.  You have got to put dishes
+wherever they will go and worry through as best you can.  I had taken
+quite a lot of trouble over the food, and the size of the room was not
+my fault.  My scout had made many subtle dispositions of furniture, but
+the fact remained that the table was not made to hold five people,
+unless the whole lot were really good sorts.  So I was delighted to
+find that Mrs. Faulkner was in her amiable mood and to hear her say
+that she was prepared for anything, though had I not been so sure that
+she would be inconvenienced, not to say squashed, before she finished,
+I am not sure that I should have accepted this reckless mood as much of
+a compliment.  The table was so crowded that it was not easy to see how
+many people were expected to sit at it, and I was not surprised when
+Nina suggested that we should begin luncheon.  I pretended not to hear
+what she said, and poked my head into a cupboard in the vain hope that
+I might find something which I did not know I had lost.  Mrs. Faulkner,
+however, ranged herself by the table and counted the napkins.
+
+"Five," I heard her say, and I withdrew my head from the cupboard and
+whispered "Jack Ward" to Nina.
+
+"Five," Mrs. Faulkner repeated and looked at Nina, Fred and me, as if
+she was holding a roll-call.
+
+"Who's the fifth?" Fred asked; "at any rate, I vote we begin."
+
+At that moment I heard some one rushing up-stairs several steps at a
+time.  Outside my door he stopped to get some breath, and when I
+introduced him to Mrs. Faulkner and Nina he was so apologetic for being
+late that it was quite difficult for me to stop him.  I must say that
+Mrs. Faulkner tried to adapt herself to the spirit of this luncheon.
+There was not much shyness about Jack Ward, and in a very few minutes
+Mrs. Faulkner was fairly beaming upon him.  She found out that she knew
+his cousins, and Jack, who would say anything to please any lady,
+declared that he had often heard of her.  As he asked me afterwards
+what her name was, I had to tell him that he was a regular humbug, but
+he said that he was sure that she was the kind of lady who liked to
+think she was never forgotten, and it was a pity to miss a harmless
+chance of making her feel pleased.
+
+At first I think Jack made her almost too pleased, and later on there
+was rather a distinct reaction.  She was not content with discovering
+his cousins, but also found out that his father was what she called a
+most generous benefactor.  "The sort of man who does so much good
+quietly, so unlike those noisy, discomforting people who will give
+something if somebody will give something else.  Charity ought not to
+be limited by conditions," I heard her say.
+
+"I don't think my father exactly throws his money about," Jack said.
+
+"I am sure he doesn't," Mrs. Faulkner agreed readily.
+
+"I mean that if he gives a lot away he expects to make a lot besides.
+He is a business man, you see," Jack returned.
+
+"Business men are the backbone of England," Mrs. Faulkner said at once.
+
+"But they aren't heroes or anybody of that kind," Jack answered.
+
+Mrs. Faulkner shook her head sorrowfully.  "You young men are all
+alike, you will never allow your parents to have any virtues."
+
+I was on the point of breaking a silence which had been extraordinarily
+prolonged, but Jack got ahead of me.
+
+"I know every one is always saying that," he began, "but I don't think
+it is true.  If you praised my father for being generous he would
+simply laugh at you.  He isn't built that way, you see, and he would
+think anybody a fool who gave a tremendous lot without hoping to get
+something back.  It is a matter of business with him and he is honest
+enough to admit it."
+
+"You do allow that he is honest," Mrs. Faulkner put in.
+
+"Of course," Jack replied quite good-temperedly, "only no one cares to
+brag about their relations unless they want to be called a snob or a
+bore.  It wouldn't do, you see, for a man to go about declaring that he
+had an uncle who was miles ahead of everybody else's uncle, or an aunt
+who could give a start to any other aunt in the world."
+
+"It depends upon what sort of start the aunt gave," Nina, who had been
+talking to Fred, remarked, and I knew by her smile that she intended
+this for humour; but Fred did not hear what she said, or I expect he
+would have laughed.  Sometimes he was very weak with Nina.
+
+"I am to believe then," Mrs. Faulkner said, "that all of you are very
+proud of your parents, only it is what you call bad form to admit it."
+
+Jack gave a great laugh which made everything rattle on the table, and
+Mrs. Faulkner, being unaccustomed to him, looked surprised.
+
+"Why is it such a joke?" she asked.
+
+"I am sorry," Jack replied; "I laugh sometimes quite unexpectedly, in
+my bath and places like that.  I think my nerves must be wrong."
+
+"Cigarettes," Mrs. Faulkner declared.  "I think I shall write to the
+papers about the University man of the day; I don't understand him in
+the least," and I unfortunately caught Fred's eye and smiled.  Her
+statement seemed to account for so much unnecessary correspondence.
+
+"Do," Jack answered, "and Foster, Godfrey and I will answer it."
+
+"There wouldn't be much to write, which any one who hasn't been at
+Cambridge or here would believe," Fred said.
+
+"Why not?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.
+
+"Because they wouldn't understand that a great many men amuse
+themselves in odd ways and yet are not complete idiots.  If you saw us
+dancing round a bonfire you might think we were all mad, but we aren't
+a bit."
+
+"I shouldn't choose a bonfire to dance round," Mrs. Faulkner said.
+
+"That's just it," Fred replied; "but it's very good sport when you
+happen to like it."
+
+The college messenger came into the room with a note for me which was
+marked "urgent," and I asked if I might read it.  Jack Ward was the
+only man who ever wanted me in a hurry, and so confident was I in the
+infallibility of my chemist that I was not thinking of Owen.  When I
+had finished reading the note I found that the conversation had taken a
+more lively turn.
+
+"It is so fortunate I brought something fit to wear," Mrs. Faulkner was
+saying.
+
+"I have only got four tickets, I wish I had got one for you," Fred said
+to Jack Ward, and then I remembered that Fred had promised to get
+tickets for the Brasenose ball which was taking place that evening.
+
+"You can have mine," I told Jack Ward.
+
+"Of course I can't do that," Jack answered; "I expect I can get one all
+right, if I may join you."
+
+Nina, who was nothing if not expeditious, said that he had better go at
+once and see if he could get a ticket, but I stopped him by repeating
+that he could have mine.
+
+"It won't be used unless you take it," I added.
+
+Every one except Fred, who saw that something had happened, led me to
+believe that I was very disagreeable and foolish.
+
+"We arranged last night that we should go if Fred could get the
+tickets," Nina said, and then by way of propitiating me she told me
+that I knew how well I danced.
+
+"You will spoil Nina's evening," Mrs. Faulkner declared, and Nina, I
+must say, was pouting most magnificently.
+
+"Why can't you come?" she asked.  "Has it got anything to do with that
+wretched note?"
+
+"Not another row?" Jack Ward put in most inconsiderately.
+
+"Fred never said anything about it till too late," I answered; "he kept
+the whole thing so dark."
+
+"I knew before luncheon," Nina replied, as if she had settled me
+completely.
+
+I managed to let Fred know that I wanted him to read the note, and
+having opened the Oxford "Mag" no one saw that he had got the letter
+inside the pages.  For a minute I persuaded Jack steadfastly to take my
+ticket and he refused with determination.  If it had not been that Nina
+was upset very easily, and Mrs. Faulkner had been known to have
+hysteria without giving any one a moment's notice, I would have
+brandished the note in their faces instead of standing first on one leg
+and then on the other and looking a most hopeless fool.
+
+I did not know what to say next, when Fred put down the magazine and
+joined us by the window.
+
+"If you can't well manage to come to-night," he said, "and it was most
+awfully stupid of me not to tell you at once that we were going, I am
+sure Ward will have this ticket," and he pulled it out of his pocket
+and simply made Jack take it.
+
+"I don't really think I can go, though I will turn up if I can," I
+said, and Fred made the most of my promise and talked so much that
+before I had to say anything else I found that he had persuaded Mrs.
+Faulkner and Nina to go down to the river and watch Oriel rowing in the
+earlier division.  I went with them as far as the college lodge and
+then I disappeared, for the note which I had received upset all my
+hopes of enjoying myself for the rest of the day.
+
+The first part of it was from Owen, who said he was feeling dreadfully
+ill, but the second part was written by his landlady, and she seemed to
+be in a terrible temper.  As far as I could make out Owen was very much
+worse and still refused to have a doctor.  "He says," his landlady
+wrote, "that if I send for a physician he won't pay him and I was up
+last night five times and who is going to stand it cough he coughs
+something awful and what's going to happen I don't know I expect he's
+got typhoid fever or something horrible."  She did not use any stops,
+but that might have been because she was in a hurry; clearly, however,
+she was very angry, and there was only one thing for me to do.
+
+I went round to Lomax Street as fast as I could, and I had no sooner
+got inside the house then I heard Owen coughing.  I found his landlady
+in the state her letter had suggested I should find her, she was
+infinitely more sorry for herself than she was for Owen, and since he
+was too ill for her to get any satisfaction from visiting her grievance
+upon him she started off upon me.
+
+"You are his friend," she said as she met me in the passage, "and you
+ought to have been here before.  I was just doing myself up before
+putting on my bonnet to go out and report this case."
+
+"To whom were you going to report it?" I asked, for I felt very much as
+if I should like to know.
+
+"You can report it now, I put all responsibility upon you," she stated
+loudly, and she took me up-stairs and announced me in a voice which
+would have shaken the nerves of a strong man.  I could not put up with
+her any longer and I told her abruptly to go.  She went energetically,
+her shoulders protesting against my rudeness, and she marched down the
+stairs with as much noise as she could make without hurting her feet.
+I am glad that there are very few landladies left, at least in Oxford,
+who look upon any illness as an opportunity for showing how nasty they
+can be.  I simply hated that woman, and before I had done with her I
+was weak enough to tell her so.  I was defeated in that battle of plain
+speaking.  To me, unaccustomed to illness, Owen looked as bad as anyone
+could look, and apart from his cough and his temperature he had got all
+sorts of worries on his mind which he wanted me to hear.  I listened to
+what he said without interrupting him, but I was impressed with the
+fact that I must creep about a sick-room, and I am afraid I was
+ostentatiously quiet.  His troubles had to do with the expenses of his
+illness, and he beseeched me not to send for a doctor or a nurse.  I
+tried to set his mind at rest, but I failed; he saw that I thought him
+very ill, and when I moved round the room on tiptoe he asked me to make
+as much noise as I liked.  I was no use as a sick nurse, and my efforts
+to make the room look fit to live in, though meant splendidly, seemed
+to me to make the place more uncomfortable and cheerless than ever.
+
+I promised faithfully that I would stay with him during the night, but
+he could not make me say that I would not see a doctor, and as soon as
+I could I went off and got a man whom I had once met at a smoking
+conceit.  This doctor was a bustling little man who did not sympathize
+with nonsense, and I had to explain a lot of things before I made him
+understand that this was a peculiar case.
+
+"What is the good of you sitting up all night, even if it is
+necessary," he said to me as we walked from his house to Lomax Street;
+"you would certainly go to sleep and do more harm than good."
+
+"Owen has a fairly bad cough," I answered.
+
+"If it is bad enough to keep you awake he ought to have a proper nurse."
+
+"He doesn't want to have a proper nurse, he is rather hard up," I said.
+
+"Pish," was his only answer, but when he got to Owen's rooms I should
+think he must have known that I had spoken the truth.
+
+I got leave from the Subby to stay with Owen during the night, but I
+cannot say that I was a successful nurse.  I took some books with me
+because I thought it would be a good opportunity to do some reading,
+but of course I went to sleep, and woke up with a snort which would
+have made me unpopular in any dormitory in the world.  Owen was so much
+worse in the morning that he had to be moved out of his wretched
+lodgings into a place where he would be properly looked after.
+
+I went back to St. Cuthbert's about eleven o'clock in a state of
+horrible depression.  I had promised to pay all the expenses of this
+illness, and how I was to do it I had not an idea.  The year was nearly
+over and my funds were exceedingly low, but I could not help making
+Owen believe that I had more money than I knew how to spend.
+
+Outside St. Cuthbert's I met Mrs. Faulkner and Nina, and while Mrs.
+Faulkner was commenting upon my dejected appearance Nina told me
+frankly that I looked dirty.
+
+"I have been up all night," I said, for there was no longer any reason
+why I should not explain what had happened.
+
+"We were not in bed until four o'clock," Nina answered proudly.
+
+"What have you been doing?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.
+
+"I have been nursing a man who is ill," I replied.
+
+"Infectious?" Mrs. Faulkner asked breathlessly.
+
+"Pneumonia, double pneumonia, I believe," I answered.
+
+"And you heard about it yesterday afternoon?" Nina said.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then why didn't you tell us?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.  "Fred and Nina
+have been quarrelling about you, and I have said the most awful things.
+You really might have more consideration."
+
+"I thought it would spoil your dance if I told you; I didn't know what
+was the matter with the man."
+
+"You are a dear, Godfrey," Nina said, and she linked her arm in mine.
+
+"I am an idiot if you want to call me any names," I replied.
+
+"You were always that," Nina said in the manner which is called
+playful; "we are just going to see Mr. Ward, who is perfectly charming;
+won't you come with us?"
+
+"I am going to have a bath, and then I must see Fred."
+
+Nina looked displeased.
+
+"What's the matter with Fred?" I asked.
+
+"He's as perfect as usual," Nina answered, and swung her parasol to
+show that she was not interested in him.
+
+"We are blocking the street, and you nearly hit a man in the eye with
+that thing," I said.
+
+"You will be in a better temper when you are cleaner," Nina retorted.
+
+"We go down at 4.15," Mrs. Faulkner said as we went into the lodge; "we
+are going on some river, the one that isn't deep, in a punt with Mr.
+Ward, and he is taking luncheon for us.  Do you think it is quite safe,
+Godfrey?"
+
+"Quite, if Nina doesn't try to punt," I answered.
+
+"Must we go away this afternoon?" Nina asked.
+
+"My dear, I have three, if not four, people arriving to-night," Mrs.
+Faulkner replied.
+
+"I will be at the station to see you off," I said, for even if they
+wanted me I did not feel like punting on the Cherwell.
+
+I pointed out Jack Ward's rooms to Nina, and had walked half-way across
+the quad when Mrs. Faulkner called me back.
+
+"I hope your friend is better?" she asked.
+
+"He has only just begun to be ill," I answered.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+MISHAPS
+
+After I had been to my rooms and had a bath I went round to Oriel to
+see Fred, but he was not in his rooms, so I left a note to tell him
+that he must come to luncheon with me.  Then I rushed back to St.
+Cuthbert's and went to hear Mr. Edwardes lecturing.  I missed the
+beginning of the lecture, and I might just as well have stayed away
+altogether, for Mr. Edwardes asked me to speak to him at the end of it,
+though what he meant was that he was going to speak while I was to
+listen.  Grave things were happening, at least I thought them grave,
+and Mr. Edwardes had nothing whatever to do with them.  While he talked
+to me I was trying by a process of mental arithmetic to discover how
+much money I had to my credit in the bank; the voice which I heard
+seemed to me to belong to bygone ages, and I was so worried by actual
+and present facts that I could not screw up a vestige of interest in
+antiquities.  I know that it was always my fate to arouse either the
+irony or the anger of my tutor, for to other men he was far more
+pleasant than he was to me, but I could not help thinking of him as
+representative of a system which could never influence me in the least.
+He soon discovered that I was paying no attention to him, and I suppose
+that I must have got most vigorously on his nerves, for he really
+became quite humanly angry, I must have been nearer to an understanding
+with him at that moment than I had ever been.  But when his rage
+abated, his lips snapped and the thunderbolts ceased.  He went on too
+long and became sarcastic again, as if ashamed of being properly angry,
+and I left him with the usual hopeless feeling that we should never
+understand each other.
+
+I went into the common room as I was crossing the quad, and before I
+had been there two minutes Dennison came in with Lambert and two or
+three other men of their set.  No one else was in the room except
+Murray, who was reading, and absolutely refused to talk to me about
+Edwardes, so I turned over various papers until Dennison asked me if I
+did not think our eight was quite the most comically bad boat I had
+ever seen.
+
+"The whole college is going to the deuce," I answered.
+
+"You look as if you were up late last night, and have got a fair old
+head on this morning," Dennison declared.
+
+"I haven't been to bed at all, if you want to know," I said.
+
+"Going to the deuce with the rest of the college, well, you have the
+consolation of being quite the most amusing man in it."
+
+I think I was fool enough to say that I was not amusing.
+
+"Not consciously," Dennison replied, "but I get more fun from you than
+from anybody, and when you are in a serious mood you are the most comic
+man I know.  He's delicious, isn't he, Lambert?"
+
+"If you can't see the funny side of our eight, you must be a madman,"
+Lambert said to me.
+
+"We used to be head of the river, and now we can't row for sour
+apples," Dennison chuckled, "the thing's a perfect pantomime."
+
+"And you are the stupidest clown in it," I said suddenly, for although
+I did not want to lose my temper the "sour apples" expression, on the
+top of being told that I had "a fair old head," compelled me to say
+something.
+
+"One to Marten," Lambert said, as he stalked about the room; they were
+a most trying lot to have anything to do with.  Everything they said
+was just the thing that made me want to get away from them, and
+Dennison had told me once that he considered conversation a very fine
+art.
+
+It would have been wise of me to have gone away without waiting for
+Dennison's attempts to get level with me, but I felt like staying where
+I was.
+
+"Poor old fellow," Dennison groaned, "he sits up all night, and then
+his conscience smites him and his head aches, and he thinks the college
+is going to the deuce and is to be saved from perdition by his being
+rude.  What you want, old chap, is a sedlitz powder; go and have one,
+and you won't be so gloomy, you may even smile when you see our eight
+bumped to-night."
+
+"You laugh and jeer at our boat when it goes down, but I'll bet you
+would be the first to kick up a row if we ever make any bumps again,
+though you don't care whether we go to the bottom of the river and stop
+there," I answered.
+
+"I don't see that it matters," Lambert put in, "and I would much rather
+be bottom than bottom but one or even two, there's something dignified
+about being absolutely last."
+
+"Take a sedlitz powder and become a philosopher," Dennison suggested.
+
+"I always thought your philosophy was founded on something confoundedly
+odd," I returned, "and now I know all about it."
+
+"I suppose you think that very witty," he replied, and he almost lost
+his temper, "but though I may not be much of a philosopher I am a
+first-rate doctor, so when a man wants medicine I tell him so."
+
+"Thanks," I said.
+
+"You are on the wrong track," he went on, beginning to smile again,
+"the wretched school-boy notion of being sick to death when you are
+beaten at anything is all humbug here, the thing to do is to laugh
+whatever happens, and to-day you look as if you hadn't a laugh left in
+you."
+
+"That's sitting up all night," Lambert said, "you can't laugh all day
+and night."
+
+Then I told them that if they wanted to see the college perfectly
+useless at everything they must be the biggest fools in Oxford, and I
+appealed to Murray to support me, because Dennison never spoke to him
+if he could help doing so.
+
+"It is much easier to laugh than it is to row," was all Murray said,
+and he went out of the room at once.
+
+"That man's the most complete prig in the 'Varsity," Dennison declared,
+"and as long as a college has a lot of men like him in it nothing else
+matters.  We don't want smugs here."
+
+"Murray," I said solidly, "is neither a prig nor a smug, and as you
+have never said half-a-dozen words to him you can't possibly know
+anything about him."
+
+"A smug is always labelled," he answered, "and that man looks one from
+his hat to his boots, don't you think so, Lambert?"
+
+Of course Lambert thought so, and I, having already said much more than
+I intended, was just going to say a lot more, when a whole crowd of men
+came into the room and saved me from the impossible task of making
+Dennison believe that he could make a mistake.
+
+I went back to my rooms and found Fred waiting for me, but from the way
+I banged my note-book on the table and threw my gown into a corner, I
+should not think that he expected me to be very pleasant.  Fred,
+however, understood me, and it seems to me that I have always been very
+lucky in having one friend who never tried to make out that I was in a
+good temper when I was in a bad one.  Some people when they suspect
+that you are angry ask silly little questions just to find out if their
+suspicious are true, but Fred always left me alone.  He simply took no
+notice of me at all, and though that was very annoying, it was not half
+as bad as a string of questions or a lot of stupid remarks about things
+which I did not want to hear.  I banged about the room tremendously,
+but Fred went on reading _The Sportsman_ and waited for me to become
+fit to speak to.
+
+At last I threw myself into a chair close to him.
+
+"For goodness' sake stop reading that blessed paper," I said; "why I
+take the wretched thing I don't know, who cares whether Kent beats
+Lancashire or whether Cambridge makes four hundred against the M.C.C."
+
+"You and I do," Fred answered, and tossed _The Sportsman_ on to the
+table.
+
+"I have been waiting here for half-an-hour to hear what has happened,
+but you seem to be in such an infernally bad temper that I should think
+I had better go.  There is a very fair chance of a row if I stay here,
+for I can't stand much to-day," he went on, when I had picked up the
+paper to see who had made the runs for Cambridge.
+
+"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
+
+"Everything."
+
+"Did you have a good ball?"
+
+"Perfectly rotten."
+
+"Did Nina get plenty of partners?"
+
+"Crowds."
+
+"And you didn't feel like going on the 'Cher' this morning?"
+
+"I have had two pros bowling to me," he answered, "I was bowled about a
+dozen times.  Besides I wasn't asked to go on the 'Cher.'"
+
+"Nina and Mrs. Faulkner said all sorts of things about me last night?"
+
+"Who told you so?"
+
+"They did."
+
+"Sometimes Nina's temper isn't any better than yours," he said.  "What
+happened to you?  How's Owen?"
+
+"Owen is very bad," I answered, and while we had lunch I told him what
+I had been doing.  "In a few hours I have made a fool of myself three
+times," I said, "I've promised to pay for Owen, and I have had rows
+with both Edwardes and Dennison.  This college is going to blazes, and
+it is men like Edwardes, who is a great lump of ice, and Dennison, who
+just wants to be a blood in his own miserable little way, who will be
+responsible.  Edwardes never cares what happens, and Dennison is
+collecting a set round him who can do nothing but wear waistcoats, eat
+and drink.  You have all the luck in belonging to a college where men
+don't become bloods by drinking hard, and where everybody takes an
+interest in the place.  St. Cuthbert's will never get a decent fresher
+to come to it if we don't do something to make it alive again."
+
+Fred stretched himself and yawned, all the life seemed to have gone out
+of him in some way.
+
+"You wouldn't like to belong to a college which has been something and
+is on the road to be nothing," I said.
+
+"It takes a lot to ruin a college," he answered; "every one knows that
+St. Cuthbert's is a good enough place, and one man like Dennison won't
+make much difference."
+
+"Won't he? you don't know him as well as I do.  He'd ruin the Bank of
+England if he could be the only director for a year."
+
+"But there are heaps of other men besides him."
+
+"No one seems to care; we just live on our reputation, and when
+Dennison is no longer a fresher he will wreck the whole place, he is
+clever enough to do it."
+
+"You are in a villainous temper and exaggerate everything," Fred said.
+
+"You know that Oriel is all right, and you don't care what happens to
+us," I retorted, and then Fred woke up and we very nearly had a
+terrific row.
+
+The remembrance of this day still makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am
+quite certain that Fred was the only man in Oxford who could have put
+up with me.  I simply walked from quarrel to quarrel, and I seemed to
+want each one to be more violent than the last.  Now I come to think of
+it, it is possible that Dennison's advice was sound; I must certainly
+have needed something which I did not take, but after all I think a
+long sleep was probably what I wanted.  At any rate I was a most
+unpleasant companion, and Fred told me afterwards that he had not known
+me for so many years, without finding out that I could be thoroughly
+unreasonable when I had a really bad day.
+
+Undoubtedly that day was a very bad one, and when any one stays up all
+night I advise him to go to bed during the next day, just to save
+trouble.
+
+We had arrived at a state of silence, for I had nothing left to say,
+and Fred refused to say anything, when Jack Ward strolled into the
+room, as if he had nothing more than usual to do, and had just come to
+waste his time and mine.  He must have tried to make what is called a
+dramatic entry, for most people who were in his condition would have
+hurried up for all they were worth.  He was wet through from head to
+foot, his collar hung round his neck like a dirty rag, and his whole
+appearance reminded me of a scarecrow which has suffered dreadfully
+from the weather.
+
+"What has happened?" I asked at once, for he walked straight up to an
+empty bottle and shook his head mournfully.
+
+"Nothing," he answered, "except that your sister fell into the 'Cher'
+and I hauled her out, and Mrs. What's-her-name shrieked and had
+hysterics.  They are all right now, but as soon as I got your sister to
+the bank, I had to throw water over the other lady; I began by
+sprinkling her face, but as she rather liked that I had to give her a
+regular good dose, and then she opened her eyes and said her dress was
+spoilt.  I must have some hot whisky, or I shall catch cold."
+
+We besieged Jack with questions, but we did not get much satisfaction
+from his replies.
+
+"It was all my fault," he said.  "I thought I could teach your sister
+to punt, and she fell in and I pulled her out.  I have told you that
+before."
+
+"Nina can swim," I said.
+
+"There wasn't much time to think about that, besides, she had a long
+dress on.  I am afraid we made rather a sensation when I got a cab for
+them down at Magdalen."
+
+"We must go round at once," I said to Fred.
+
+"I don't think it is much good doing that," Jack went on.  "I am
+awfully sorry that it happened, because Mrs. Faulkner was annoyed at
+first, and that was bad enough, but just before I left it suddenly
+occurred to her that I was very plucky and ought to be thanked, which
+was much worse.  She says they are both going to bed until it is time
+for them to get up and catch the train.  In that way she hopes to avoid
+the most serious consequences.  Your sister thinks it rather a good
+joke; I hope she won't catch a bad cold."
+
+"You had better go and change," I said, and I asked Fred if he would
+come to the Rudolf, but he said that it was no use for him to go if
+Mrs. Faulkner and Nina were in bed, and that he would meet me at the
+station.  Then I said something to Jack about it being awfully good of
+him to have jumped into the "Cher" to fish Nina out, but I was very
+glad when he asked me to shut up, for Fred was looking more gloomy than
+ever, and I am sure that he, having seen Nina swimming heaps of times,
+thought the whole thing was thoroughly stupid.  I did not quite know
+what to think about it, but I wished most sincerely that Nina had never
+tried to punt.
+
+Fred walked with me for a short way down the Broad, but stopped by
+Balliol, and said he was going in to see a man.
+
+"This affair is a horrid nuisance," I remarked.
+
+"Nina wouldn't drown very easily," he returned.
+
+"But she had a long dress on," and of this remark Fred took no notice.
+
+"I don't think I shall come down to the station," he said; "will you
+wish Mrs. Faulkner and Nina good-bye from me?"
+
+"No, I won't," I replied, and we stared at each other so hard that we
+were nearly run over by a cab; "you must come, do come to please me."
+
+"You do such a precious lot to make me want to please you," he
+retorted, and he looked most desperately down on his luck.
+
+"Do forget all about this afternoon.  I didn't mean one word I said."
+
+"You said a precious lot.  I'll come all right, but they won't want to
+see me," and he walked off before I could tell him that they had better
+want to see him, or I would have even another row.
+
+When I got to the Rudolf I sent up a card to Nina on which I wrote
+something which at the moment I thought funny.  But she did not seem to
+see the humour of it, for she sent me down an angry little note in
+which she told me to go away and meet her at four o'clock.  I went away
+sorrowfully, for there was a sense of importance about that note which
+told me that Nina was not going to tumble into the Cher for nothing,
+and I knew I should hear more than enough about it before long.
+
+But I did not think that I should be made to suffer until I got to the
+station.  But when your luck is dead out it is wise to be prepared for
+anything.
+
+I strolled aimlessly down the Corn-market, and having nothing whatever
+to do, I turned into the Union to read the papers, or write a letter to
+my brother, or do anything to pass the time.  I stood in the hall for
+some minutes looking at, but not reading, the telegrams; I was trying
+to remember whether it was my turn to write to my brother or his to
+write to me, and two or three men who found me planted in front of the
+telegrams shoved me a little, so I moved away and met a man whom I knew.
+
+"Halloa, Marten," he said, "I've just seen the pluckiest thing; that
+man Ward, you know him, fairly saved a girl's life.  She fell out of a
+punt on the Cher, a pretty girl too.  Ward's a lucky brute, you ought
+to have been there."
+
+"I've heard all about it," I answered.
+
+"But it only happened an hour ago."
+
+"Ward told me, he didn't think much of it."
+
+"Well, you should have seen him, I tell you he did it splendidly; I
+always thought he was a friend of yours, but you don't look very keen.
+However, it's something to talk about," he said, as he strolled off to
+find some one who would suit him better than I did.
+
+I drifted from the hall to one of the smoking-rooms, where I sat down
+next to a big, bearded man, who was wearing a most extraordinary wide
+pair of trousers, and who looked as if he would discourage the attempts
+of any one who wanted to talk.  He looked at me over the top of _The
+Times_, and having had the courage to sit next to him, I felt that if
+he would only look at other men as he did at me I should get all the
+protection I required.  I read in the aimless way which makes me turn
+the paper over frequently in the futile hope of finding something
+interesting, and I could not help knowing that my neighbour's eyes were
+far oftener on me than on _The Times_.  But I had no intention of
+leaving him, for we were members of a defensive alliance, though he
+knew nothing about it; two or three men I knew walked through the room
+and left me alone; I was, I thought, in an almost impregnable position
+and I closed my eyes, but before I had passed from the stage of
+wondering whether I should snore if I went to sleep, I felt a touch on
+my arm, and found Learoyd standing by me.
+
+"Go away," I said sleepily, "I am very tired."
+
+He leant over my chair and began to whisper; his back unfortunately was
+turned to my ally, or I think I could have stopped him.
+
+"Do you know," he began, "that your sister has been nearly drowned in
+the Cher, and Ward jumped in after her?  Everybody says he saved her
+life and will get a medal."
+
+"Who's everybody?" I asked, and I heard a noise, which was more like a
+grunt than anything else, from the chair behind Learoyd.
+
+"Pratt told me, and I knew it must have been your sister because I saw
+Ward start out of the college with her and some one else.  It was your
+sister, wasn't it?"
+
+"Yes," I answered, and my friend in the wide trousers got up and walked
+by us.
+
+"I am awfully glad it was your sister now that I have told Pratt so,"
+Learoyd said.  "He told me that he didn't think it could have been,
+because you didn't tell him."
+
+"I never tell an ass like Pratt anything," I replied, "he would die if
+he hadn't got something to talk about."
+
+"I am very glad she wasn't drowned."
+
+"You are only glad she fell in," I could not help saying.
+
+He looked rather bothered for a minute.  "No, I didn't mean that, only
+Pratt isn't the man to tell anything which isn't true, he's such a
+gossip," he answered.
+
+"I suppose every one is bound to know all about it.  I shouldn't wonder
+if it isn't in the papers this evening," I said, as I got out of my
+chair.
+
+"It is sure to be," Learoyd replied cheerfully.  "Jack Ward will have
+to pretend not to like it."
+
+"He won't like it," I said, and I gave Learoyd my paper to read and
+made my escape into the garden.  I sat down as far away from every one
+as I could and asked a waiter to bring me some tea, and for quite five
+minutes I was not molested.  It was very early for tea, and the waiter
+was talkative when he came back.
+
+"Going down to the river this afternoon, sir?" he said, as I fumbled in
+my pockets for some money.
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"Nearly a sad accident on the Cherwell this morning I heard some
+gentleman saying.  A gentleman from St. Cuthbert's College saved a
+young lady from drowning; he ought to marry the young lady, I say," he
+concluded with a waggish shake of the head, and he began to grope in
+his pockets for sixpence.
+
+"Don't bother about the change," I said, "you're a humorist."
+
+"A what, sir?"
+
+"A humorist," I answered so loudly that nearly every one in the garden
+looked round.
+
+"I am a bit of a comic, thank you, sir.  I sings a bit and acts a bit
+when I get the chance.  But people ought to be more careful when they
+go boating, many a good life's been lost by drowning, leaving sorrow
+behind it."
+
+"Some one is calling you," I said desperately, and just then I saw
+Pratt come into the garden and fix his eyes on me.  I rose hurriedly,
+and leaving my tea bolted for the door which leads into Castle Street.
+I turned round when I reached the door and saw the waiter tapping his
+forehead with one finger and talking to Pratt.  It was not difficult to
+guess what he was saying.
+
+I did not know what to do next, so I walked very slowly to the station
+and stood in front of the book-stall.  Business unfortunately was slack
+when I arrived and one of the boys would not leave me alone, he offered
+me so many papers that in sheer desperation I bought several; I told
+him that I would have two shillings' worth, and left the selection of
+them to him.  Then I walked off to a seat at the end of the platform to
+do a little thinking, but before I had really got settled I saw Fred
+walking towards me with his head somewhere near the second button of
+his waistcoat.  I shouted to him, and after we had sat on the bench for
+quite a minute without speaking we both began to laugh at the same
+time, until a porter and a ticket-collector came to see what was
+happening.  The porter was a burly man with a cheerful countenance, and
+he seemed so pleased to see any one enjoying themselves that he came
+close to us, but the ticket-collector stood afar off.
+
+"Nice weather, gentlemen," he said, and having agreed with him we began
+to laugh again.
+
+"I've not 'eard a good joke for many a fine day, you seem to be
+a-enjoying of yourselves, my missis 'as got the mumps," and he took off
+his cap and scratched his head.
+
+Fred said that mumps were very painful.
+
+"Nearly what you call a tragedy on the river to-day, seemingly," he
+went on, and I groaned aloud, but Fred, who had no idea what was
+coming, asked him what had happened.
+
+"It's like this," he began, "one of my mates, who 'as a brother what
+belongs to one of them boat-'ouses where they let out most anything to
+anybody what'll pay for it, 'eard in 'is dinner 'our as 'ow a young
+woman would 'ave gone to 'er death only 'er young man 'opped into the
+river and saved 'er life.  That's what my mate told me, but 'e's a bit
+of a liar."
+
+I jumped up from the seat before he had time to tell us anything more,
+and pushing a shilling into his hand said that the ticket-collector was
+beckoning to him.  He was so surprised that he had not enough breath to
+thank me, but he was kind enough to go away.  When he thought I was not
+looking I saw him tapping his forehead and grinning like that
+abominable waiter in the Union.  After two or three minutes of peace
+the ticket-collector thought he might as well try his luck with us, and
+began to stroll casually in our direction, but just as he was going to
+begin a conversation I seized Fred by the arm, and having fled to the
+end of the platform, we sat down on a luggage-barrow.
+
+"I should have hit that man," I said, "I can't stand any more," and
+then I told him what I had been through since I had left him.  "It
+isn't half as comic as you seem to think," I finished up, "every
+blessed man I know in the 'Varsity will talk to me about it.  Nina can
+swim as well as you can, and I shall tell her what I think of her."
+
+"Don't get into another rage," Fred replied; "I shouldn't say anything
+nasty to her if I were you, she didn't fall into the Cher on purpose.
+What is that huge great bundle of papers you are hugging?"
+
+"They are for Mrs. Faulkner to read on the way down, to show that I
+don't bear her any malice.  I wish I had never seen her."
+
+Fred took the bundle, and as he looked through the papers he gave way
+to such unrighteous laughter that the barrow tipped up, and he, I, and
+all the papers were scattered about the platform.  I hurt myself and
+told him so rudely, but he laughed at nothing that afternoon, and as
+soon as he had picked up the papers he went back to the barrow and
+proceeded to chuckle to himself until I had to ask whether he had gone
+mad.
+
+"For Mrs. Faulkner," he said, and really he was enough to annoy any one.
+
+"Why shouldn't I give her what I like?" I asked.
+
+"She won't thank you for this lot," he answered.  "_Cricket, The
+Sportsman, The Sporting Life, The Pink 'Un, A Life of W. G. Grace, The
+Topical Times, Pick-me-up, The Pelican_,--by Jove she will have
+something to tell your people when she gets home."
+
+"It's that boy at the bookstall," I said, "let's go and change some of
+them, though I believe you have only picked out the ones which Mrs
+Faulkner wouldn't read.  I let the boy choose what he liked."
+
+We made the bundle look as respectable as we could, and started down
+the platform, but before we got to the bookstall we saw Mrs. Faulkner,
+Nina and Jack Ward.
+
+"Oh, here you are at last," Nina said, "if it hadn't been for Mr. Ward
+I don't know what we should have done with our luggage."
+
+"If it hadn't been for Mr. Ward we should not only have lost our
+luggage but yourself, my dear," Mrs. Faulkner exclaimed, and she put
+her hand on Nina's arm.
+
+"I am sure we are horribly obliged to you, Jack," I said, for I had to
+say something.
+
+"I hope you won't catch cold," Fred said to Nina.
+
+"Thanks, I think I shall be all right now," she answered.
+
+"It is the terrible nervous shock which may be disastrous," Mrs.
+Faulkner remarked.
+
+"Won't you have some tea?" I asked, and it seemed to me that I was
+always asking Mrs. Faulkner to have tea when I didn't know what to do
+with her.
+
+"We should miss the train, it goes in twelve minutes," she replied.
+
+We stood on the platform for an interminable time trying to talk, but
+neither Mrs. Faulkner nor Nina seemed to take any interest in Fred and
+me, and I must say that Jack looked terribly uncomfortable at all the
+things which were said to him.  Just before the train was due, however,
+Nina took my arm and drew me away from the others, and I hoped that she
+was going to tell me something pleasant, but her first words banished
+that idea.
+
+"I want you to ask Mr. Ward to stay with us in July," she said.
+
+"I shall do nothing of the kind," I answered.
+
+"He jumped into the river to save me."
+
+"You can swim all right."
+
+"But he didn't know that."
+
+"Mrs. Faulkner makes me ill.  I think you might stop her making such a
+fuss; she has made Jack feel uncomfortable, and Fred never says a word.
+I think you are treating Fred jolly badly," I said.
+
+"I suppose he will be down in July," she replied, rather disagreeably.
+
+"Of course he will."
+
+"And you won't ask Mr. Ward?"
+
+"For goodness' sake, Nina, don't be stupid," I answered, "and let me
+ask what friends I like."
+
+"I shall get mother to ask him if you don't."
+
+Before I had time to reply the train came into the station, and Fred,
+Jack and I had to work hard to get a compartment to suit Mrs. Faulkner.
+It took some time to get her properly settled, and after she had
+thanked Jack once more and wished us all good-bye, Nina came to the
+carriage-window and said that I was not to forget what she told me.
+
+"Are those papers for us?" she called out as the train started.
+
+I took off my hat and pretended not to hear, for I had completely
+forgotten to change them, but before I could stop him Jack had taken
+the bundle out of my hand, and by means of running much faster than I
+thought possible he got the whole lot into the carriage.
+
+"I felt such a fool on that platform that I never remembered anything,"
+he said, when he came back.
+
+"I wish you had forgotten how to run," I replied, and when Fred told
+him why I had kept my bundle to myself we managed to talk about the way
+Mrs. Faulkner would criticize my taste until we separated.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON
+
+My life for several days after Nina went away was just what I expected
+it would be.  Everybody I knew wanted to be told about the accident,
+and congratulated me on her narrow escape.  I was gloriously rude to
+several men, but nothing I could do was really any good.  The first man
+at whom I let myself go was Dennison, and in this I made a very great
+mistake, because in letting him know that I was sick of the whole
+business I gave him a chance which he did not miss.  He went round
+finding men who had not seen me, and persuaded them to come to me and
+say how sorry they had been to hear of the accident, and how glad they
+were that Jack Ward had saved Nina, and a lot of other desperate
+twaddle.  Finally, Dennison having worked this joke most diligently,
+decided that a dinner must be given in Jack's honour, and when he met
+me in the quad on Sunday and told me about it I refused flatly to go.
+
+"Of course you will come," he said, "it would be a disgrace to the
+college if we didn't do something to celebrate Ward's pluck and your
+sister's escape."
+
+"It is a disgrace to the college to make a wretched fuss about
+nothing," I replied.
+
+"You are the only man who thinks that.  Next Thursday night, half-past
+seven, at the Sceptre," he said, and walked off.
+
+Ward and I had been avoiding each other ever since the Wednesday night,
+when he having first of all been to Brasenose because they were Head of
+the River and lively, came to see me afterwards and talked very
+stupidly.  I was in bed, and he woke me up to talk to me for over
+half-an-hour about love.  Any one would have been angry, and though I
+tried to be polite, because he had jumped into the Cher, I told him to
+go away several times before he went.  I had never thought it possible
+that I could have so much trouble about Nina.  I suppose he knew that
+he had made an idiot of himself that evening, for if there is any time
+when it is decent to wake a man up and talk to him about wonderful
+subjects, I am sure it can never be after a huge celebration at
+Brasenose.  I didn't know much about love, but I thought that there
+must be the wrong and the right kind, and that Jack had made a bad
+start.
+
+So we kept out of each other's way as much as possible, and I did not
+know that he hated the idea of this dinner even more than I did.  We
+might together have done something to stop it, but we had no chance
+unless we combined.  I thought Jack wanted to be fêted, and in
+consequence I felt absolutely savage with him, while he told me
+afterwards that he was simply dragged into the thing by Dennison.
+However, I am not altogether sorry that the dinner took place, for
+though neither Jack nor I were anything like wily enough to score off
+Dennison, we got some rare fun out of him before that evening finished.
+
+Collier, Lambert and Learoyd all came to tell me that I must go to the
+dinner before I could be persuaded to have anything to do with it, and
+it was really comical to hear why each of them was so keen on the
+affair.  Collier gloried openly in the fact that it would be a huge
+feed, and said he was glad Dennison had engaged Rodoski to play the
+fiddle because music gave him a better appetite, and he advised me
+strongly not to miss such a good chance of enjoying myself, and thought
+me mad to hesitate.  Lambert said that Dennison had asked him to
+propose Ward's health, and that he hoped his speech--though quite
+unprepared--would not be unworthy of the evening.  "The dinner itself
+will be nothing, just like any other kind of dinner, but don't you miss
+it," he concluded, and I felt sure that he had already got his speech
+in his pocket.  Learoyd begged me not to stay away from a jolly good
+rag.  "If we can't row, we can rag," he said, and when I told him that
+I was sick to death of ragging, he took such a serious view of my case
+that I promised that I would go so that I could get rid of him.
+
+There were about fourteen men at the dinner-party, including Ward,
+Dennison, Lambert, Learoyd, Collier, Webb, and Bunny Langham, and since
+Dennison had taken a free hand in arranging everything, it was a
+tremendous affair.  I never doubted that his idea was to make Ward and
+me look as foolish as possible, for he was the kind of man who was
+never really contented unless he was trying to make some one feel
+uncomfortable.  The whole thing, I knew, was an elaborate joke at our
+expense, but I was not going to starve because Nina had fallen into the
+"Cher" and Jack had pulled her out, so I set to work to enjoy myself,
+though I had to sit next to Dennison.  In fact, having once got to the
+Sceptre, I think I made more row than any one at dinner, and this must
+have disappointed Dennison, who started by saying those half sweet and
+half bitter things to me, which I never know how to answer, but which
+make me long to put the man who says them under the table.  So I talked
+and shouted loud enough to drown Dennison's remarks, for it would never
+have done to put him out of sight during the dinner.  I suppose that
+being unable to get any fun out of me, and having Collier, who did not
+like to speak much at meals, on the other side of him, he must have
+found some fresh amusement, for he became very quiet as the evening
+went on, and there was only one thing which ever made him silent and
+that was the kind of thing which makes most people talk.
+
+He was, however, capable of asking Lambert to propose the toast of the
+evening, but nothing would make Lambert stir before some one had
+proposed the royal toasts, which Dennison had forgotten; and three or
+four men who did not want any one to talk except themselves shouted,
+"No speeches," until Bunny Langham got up and surprised every one by
+making them laugh.  He did not stick to his subject very much, but he
+managed to make everything he said ramble round in an odd sort of way
+to an apology for Dennison's forgetfulness, and if only he had been
+sitting on the other side of me I should not have been compelled to
+shout during the whole of dinner, for I believe he would have been able
+to help me in answering the gibing remarks which had been made to me.
+Dennison smiled across the table at Langham, but his smile looked as if
+it had been glued on to his face, and if I had been in his place I
+should have thrown something solid, like a pine-apple, at Bunny.
+
+My penance, however, was to come, and when Lambert at last got up to
+finish off the business of making fools of Jack Ward and me, I thought
+of pretending that my nose had begun to bleed and of hurrying out of
+the room, only it seemed to be rather a weak thing to do.  So I just
+sat there and imagined that everybody was looking at me, which made me
+feel most uncomfortably hot.  Lambert admitted afterwards that he was
+in his very best form that evening, and I think he must have been, for
+I never heard anybody talk such a lot of nonsense in all my life.  I
+looked at Jack Ward once, and he was evidently having a very bad time,
+but every one else except Collier, who was sleepy, seemed to think that
+Lambert was amusing.  He referred to Jack in a patronizing way as "our
+young hero," and said that my mind had been so completely upset by this
+brave deed that for some days I had been a cause of considerable
+anxiety to my friends.  When he made that remark I took a very ripe
+pear from a dish in front of me, but Learoyd persuaded me not to throw
+it.  I couldn't have missed Lambert, and I think he deserved to be
+mobbed, but he saw what was happening and I think it made him forget
+some of the things he was going to say about me.  At the end of his
+speech he actually began to recite a piece of poetry of his own, though
+the first line was about the brave deserving the fair and sounded like
+somebody else's, which was a way his poems had.  He had arranged for
+slow music to be turned on while he did this, and there was such a
+general feeling against the combination that he had to sit down before
+he had finished.  Bunny Langham, who was a member of the Horace Club,
+and disliked any poems made in Oxford except those which he wrote
+himself, led the hubbub, and after we had drunk Jack's health there was
+such a noise that he escaped having to reply.  When any one shouted for
+him, as they did fitfully for some time, their voices were always
+drowned in the general cheerfulness of the evening, and he finally came
+round from the other side of the table and sat down by me.
+
+"You have been making a most awful row," he said.
+
+"Self-defence," I answered, "I didn't want to hear anything which
+Dennison said."
+
+"A most rotten evening, the proggins will come in a few minutes if he
+is within shouting distance.  They have been trying to get us out for
+the last quarter of an hour."
+
+"Several men seem to have gone already."
+
+We talked for some minutes, and then a waiter came in and said the
+proctor was coming down "The High," so we all bolted as hard as we
+could.  Instead of turning down the Turl, I saw Dennison run down the
+High, with Lambert pursuing him and telling him to stop.  But Dennison
+had been careful during the last part of the evening, and had arrived
+at the state when any one shouting at him made him run all the faster,
+while Lambert, excited by oratory and the after-effects of it, declared
+very loudly that he would catch Dennison if he had to run a mile.
+
+"Dennison thinks that the proggins and all his bulldogs are after him,"
+Bunny Langham said; "the whole thing was only a trick to get us out
+before anything happened."
+
+"They can catch me if they like," Ward replied, "I can't run to-night."
+
+So the three of us walked back to St. Cuthbert's, and Bunny complained
+bitterly that he could not come in and wait until Lambert and Dennison
+turned up.  The first man to come into college after us was Collier,
+who said he had been dodging round the Radcliffe for a quarter of an
+hour, and soon afterwards Learoyd and Webb strolled in and pretended
+that they had been sitting under the table in the Sceptre, but they
+looked exceedingly warm.  We all went to Ward's rooms, which were a
+kind of club for any men he knew and very often used when he was not
+even in them, to wait for Dennison and Lambert; but we had to stay
+until nearly twelve o'clock before either of them came, and then there
+was a tremendous thumping on the door, and Dennison, in a most
+exhausted condition, tottered in and nearly collapsed in the porter's
+arms.
+
+It was some time before he had breath enough to walk across to Ward's
+rooms, but when we had got him settled in an arm-chair he began to feel
+better.
+
+"At any rate I did the brute," he said, "that bulldog will remember me
+for the rest of his life."
+
+I should have given the whole thing away by laughing if I had said
+anything, and I moved to the window so that I could put my head outside
+if I really had to laugh, while Collier, who had been scored off by
+Dennison very often, began to ask him questions.  He had not to ask
+many, because when Dennison once began to talk, he told us everything
+without needing much encouragement.
+
+"That big bull-dog has had his eye on me for ages," he said, "ever
+since I dodged him one night last term in the Corn, and I know that he
+has been saying that he would catch me some day."  He stopped for a
+minute, being still rather breathless, and Collier asked him where he
+had been.  "Directly I went out of the Sceptre he started off after me,
+and I made up my mind I would give him the deuce of a time before I had
+done with him, so I ran like blazes down the High, and when I turned
+round by Magdalen to see if he was coming I saw the brute in the
+distance.  So off I went again, and when we got to the running-ground I
+heard him panting and swearing and shouting a hundred yards away.  I
+let him get a bit closer and then went on towards Iffley; but I got a
+most horrible stitch, so I went as hard as I could for a bit, and then
+climbed over a gate and sat down under a hedge.  I waited until he had
+gone past, and then came back to college.  It is the easiest thing in
+the world to score off a bull-dog, they are simply the stupidest men in
+the world."
+
+"He must have got a long way past Iffley by now," Collier said.
+
+"I don't care where he is, but I shall have to look out that he doesn't
+get level with me," Dennison replied.
+
+"You will always have to wear a cap and gown now," Learoyd remarked.
+
+But Dennison took no notice of this advice.
+
+"Where's Lambert?" he asked; "everybody else seems to be here except
+him and that fool, Bunny Langham."
+
+"We don't know, he has not come in yet," Collier answered, and at that
+moment there was a rap at the door, and as soon as Lambert got into the
+porch I put my head out of the window and told him to come up to Ward's
+rooms.  As he walked across the quad I saw that he had been having a
+rough time of it, for his clothes did not look as immaculate as usual.
+He was carrying an overcoat over his arm, and his shirt and collar had
+given way so badly that the first thing he did when he got into the
+room was to go to a looking-glass, and see how he could improve the
+appearance of things.  A lot of men asked him where he had been, but he
+had forgotten that any of us had seen him start after Dennison, and he
+answered that he had just been for a stroll.  "I like to have a walk by
+myself after a noise," he added; "the heat of that room made me feel
+absolutely ill."
+
+Then Ward could not restrain himself any longer, and told Dennison that
+we all knew Lambert had been running after him, and that there had been
+no proctor and bull-dogs in the High.
+
+"Coming suddenly out of a hot room into the open air always affects
+me," Lambert said.  "I made up my mind I would catch Dennison if I ran
+until my legs gave way."
+
+"It's all a silly lie," Dennison exclaimed; "I was chased by the big
+bull-dog; I should have seen that shirt, which was white when you
+started."
+
+"I had on an overcoat," was Lambert's reply.
+
+"Did you go to Iffley?" Collier asked.
+
+"Iffley?  Good heavens, no, I never went any further than Magdalen
+Bridge."
+
+There was such a shout of laughter that I believe I should have thought
+anybody else except Dennison had been rotted enough.
+
+"Then I _was_ chased by a bull-dog!" he said emphatically.
+
+"You weren't chased by any one after I stopped, for I sat on the bridge
+for quite ten minutes, and then I thought I would come home by Long
+Wall Street, the High being rather exposed at night.  I made an
+unfortunate choice."  He shot his cuffs down, but they were terribly
+limp, and he looked at them with disgust.
+
+"What happened?" Ward asked.
+
+"I met the proggins, and having got my wind I charged right past him.
+Then I ran round by the Racquet Courts, and finally hid in a garden by
+Keble.  I ought not to have done that, because the bull-dogs know me,
+and I found them waiting outside when I came in.  It is all your fault
+for running away when I told you to stop," he said to Dennison.
+
+"I expect you were hiding in the garden at the same time Dennison was
+hiding from you behind a hedge in the Iffley Road," Collier said, and
+the idea pleased Lambert so much that he took off his tie and went to
+the looking-glass again.  But he soon made up his mind that no tie,
+however beautifully tied, had a chance with a collar which looked like
+a piece of moderately white blotting-paper, so he stalked out of the
+room without wishing any one good-night, though he did wave his tie in
+Jack Ward's direction as he went, and since it was very late I followed
+him.
+
+During the rest of the term I hardly saw anything of Fred, as he was
+playing cricket for the 'Varsity, and whenever I tried to see him I
+nearly always failed.  I did not try much, for I did not see why he
+wanted to avoid me, and I thought he was treating me very badly.
+Besides, my people were bothering me a lot during the last few days of
+the term, and I didn't see any use in telling Fred that my mother
+wanted Jack Ward to come down to Worcestershire during the summer.  As
+a matter-of-fact I was in an awkward position, for my mother had
+written to Jack Ward to thank him for pulling Nina out of the "Cher,"
+and to say that she would be very glad if he could come down sometime
+to stay with us.  But I thought Jack Ward would not come unless I asked
+him myself, and that rotten jumble he talked about love on my bed, and
+a sort of feeling that Fred would not like him to come kept me from
+saying anything to him.  Jack only told me that my mother had written
+to him, and I heard from her that she had asked him to stay, so I had
+some time to think of what I had better do, and the more I thought the
+more bothered I became.
+
+I had one idea which pleased me for a quarter of an hour; it was that
+Jack should come while Nina was away, but as soon as I thought of the
+temper Nina would be in when she found out this little plan I abandoned
+it quickly.  Another idea, which did not please me for so long, was
+that I should tell Jack that my people simply hated any one who
+flirted, but that seemed both to be taking a good deal for granted and
+to be rather hard on Nina; besides, it reminded me unpleasantly of
+those advertisements for servants which end up, "No followers allowed,"
+and which, I should think, are a great waste of money.  In addition to
+this bother which I manufactured more or less for myself, I had another
+trouble which did not worry so much because I understood it better.
+Mrs. Faulkner had told my mother, quite privately, that I was in her
+opinion doing very little work at Oxford, and my mother was not as
+disturbed at this as her informant thought she ought to have been.  At
+least I suppose that must have been the reason why Mrs. Faulkner told
+my father the same tale, and even took the trouble to show him some of
+the papers which were in that wretched parcel.  I could not expect him
+to approve of all those papers, and I did not dare to tell him that I
+had not chosen them myself, because he would then have accused me of
+laziness and extravagance and a whole host of unpleasant things, so I
+accepted his rebukes with a contrite spirit and wrote and told him,
+quite truthfully, that I read very serious papers nearly every week.
+But when you have been fairly caught buying a host of sporting and
+theatrical literature, it isn't much good trying to persuade your
+father that it was a fluke.  I sent him _The Spectator_ soon
+afterwards, but he never acknowledged it, and my mother in her next
+letter drew my attention to the fact that he had subscribed to this
+review for the last seven years.  My luck was very bad just then, I
+seemed unable to do anything right.
+
+There was only one thing which cheered me up, and it was that Owen had
+got over the worst part of his illness.  But I could not even think of
+this without being bothered, for when a man is ill you don't mind
+promising to do anything, and it is only when he is getting better that
+you begin to realize how much you have promised.  It was certain that I
+must pay the expenses of his illness, and it was equally certain that I
+should not have enough money to pay my college bills as well; the whole
+thing made me very pensive.
+
+Murray was in my rooms one night just before the end of the term, and I
+was talking over my difficulties, for he was always hard-up himself and
+not likely to offer to lend me anything, when a note was brought in
+from Fred, and the first thing which fell out of the envelope was a
+cheque for fifty pounds.  I did not know what to think of that, but the
+note upset me altogether.
+
+"Dear Godfrey," Fred wrote, "you told me some time ago that you were
+hard up, so I am sending you a cheque in case you want it.  My people
+have just sent me more money than I shall use this year, and you can
+pay me back when you like.  I am afraid I shan't be able to come down
+to you after the 'Varsity match, as I have promised to go with a
+reading party to Cornwall for two months.  I believe the only thing to
+do down there is to play golf, which isn't much fun, but Henderson is
+coming, and we shall try to get some cricket.  Please remember me to
+your people.  Yours ever, F. F.
+
+"P.S. I suppose you won't come down to Cornwall; the men are all right,
+five of them."
+
+Now Fred had spent nearly all his school-holidays with me, and since we
+had been at Oxford he had been down for both vacs, so for him to write
+and say calmly that he had made arrangements to go on a wretched
+reading party and then to ask me in a postscript to join it, made me
+want to go to Oriel at once and speak to him.  But, fortunately, it was
+nearly eleven o'clock and I could not get out of college, so as Murray
+had gone back to his room I went along the passage to work off some of
+my agitation on him.  Murray, however, was one of those annoying men
+who know exactly when they have had enough of anybody, and I found his
+oak sported.  I beat upon it for some time without any result, and
+having told Murray my opinion of him in a voice loud enough to
+penetrate almost anything, I went back to my own rooms and sat down to
+write to Fred.  In the course of an hour I wrote and tore up several
+letters.  Some of them I intended to be dignified, some of them were
+abusive; in some I kept the cheque, but in most of them I sent it back;
+in one I enclosed it with the words, "you will find the cheque you were
+good enough to offer me;" that was the first I wrote, for I was quite
+incapable of even thanking him until the labours of the imposition
+which I had set myself began to tell upon me.
+
+I had just torn up the seventh letter, and after a desperate struggle
+whether I should begin the eighth "Dear Fred" or "Dear Foster" had
+compromised matters by writing "Dear F. F.," when Jade Ward began to
+yell my name down in the quad, and I went to the window at once and
+told him to shut up.  For the Warden's house was in the back quad, and
+although I was pleased to think the Warden my friend I knew he always
+slept with his window open, because he had told me so in a very great
+outburst of confidence, and I did not want my wretched name to break in
+upon his night's rest.  I had not got so many dons on my side that I
+could afford to make the Warden angry; besides, I really liked him, and
+he was always nice to me, though he did tell the Bishop in the Easter
+vac that, until I lost a certain exuberance of animal spirits, any
+credit I did to the college would be more physical than intellectual.
+But I did not bear him any grudge for that, because he could not help
+using long phrases, and if he had just said that I liked athletics I
+should have been rather pleased, which was what he really meant, only
+the Bishop did not think so.
+
+I shoved the fragments of my letters into a drawer, and when Jack Ward
+came in I said I was going to bed.  The sight of him reminded me of
+Nina, and to think of Nina gave me a headache.  I had never imagined it
+possible that I should find it difficult to manage her, and here she
+was at the bottom of all my troubles.  As I stood in my room and looked
+at Jack sitting in my most comfortable chair, the reason why Fred had
+written that note suddenly occurred to me.  Of course she was the
+reason, and leaving Jack to amuse himself I sat down and wrote another
+note; but when I read it through it seemed as hopeless as the others,
+so I tore it up, and having no more note-paper I decided to see Fred in
+the morning.  Then I went into my bedroom and began to undress noisily,
+so that Jack might know what I was doing, but he gave a huge snore just
+as I was ready to go to bed and I had to throw a cushion at his head.
+
+"Turn the lamp out, when you go," I said, and I got into bed.  I left
+the door partly open, because my room wanted all the air it could get,
+and I heard him waking up slowly and stretching himself.  After that he
+attacked a soda-water syphon until it gave a protesting gurgle.
+
+"I've found the whisky, but you don't seem to have any soda," he called
+to me, but I pretended that I was asleep.  However, he ransacked my
+cupboard until he found another syphon, and then he came and sat on my
+bed.  I told him I was very tired, because I had not forgotten the last
+time he had invaded me in this way, and two doses of talking about love
+would be a trial to any man.
+
+"I wanted to talk to you, only you were so busy, and then I went to
+sleep," he began.
+
+"Well, cut it short, it must be nearly one o'clock."
+
+"Your people have asked me to stay with them in the vac, and I want to
+know what time would suit you best."
+
+He had cut it far too short to suit me, and I asked him not to sit on
+my foot, which he was not sitting upon, so that I could think for a
+moment.  Then I turned my face to the wall.  But I brought myself round
+pretty quickly, and felt very displeased with Jack.  Things were much
+worse than I thought they were, if he could throw away all decency and
+simply insist on coming.  Had I wanted him I should have asked him.
+
+"I had a letter from Mrs. Marten this morning, asking me to settle the
+time with you," he said.
+
+"Any time will suit me," I answered, "except that I may go away with a
+reading party, and I am afraid you will find it most awfully slow."
+
+"I shan't find it slow," he asserted with conviction.
+
+"There's nothing much to do except loll about," I said.
+
+"That will suit me down to the ground," he said, and I turned over once
+more.  It isn't much good talking to a man who confesses that he likes
+lolling about; but I thought I would make things out as bad as possible.
+
+"We do nothing but slack down there," I said; "there's not much
+cricket, and we only keep one fat cob, which is a sort of
+horse-of-all-work."
+
+"Got a river?"
+
+"A sort of glorified brook."
+
+"And a boat?"
+
+I had to say that we had a boat, but I explained that it was very old.
+
+"That's all right," he said most cheerfully, and I believe he would
+have been pleased if I had told him that we lived in a barn with
+several holes in the roof.
+
+He was beginning to think it was time for him to go to bed, when I
+heard somebody else blunder into my sitter, and in a moment Lambert
+appeared at the door.  Now Lambert, who was only gorgeous by day,
+frequently became aggressive at night, and I told him to clear out
+jolly quickly.  But instead of doing what he was wanted to he lit a
+huge cigar, and began smoking the thing in my bedder.  He also made a
+number of stupid remarks about my personal appearance, and though I
+hate getting out of bed when once I am comfortable I really could not
+put up with the man, for he compared me to several people, ancient and
+modern, who suffered from various defects.  Jack Ward told him several
+forcible things, but he went on insulting me, and then cackled as if he
+had made a joke.  So at last I hopped out of bed, and he, escaping from
+my bedder, continued to cackle in the next room; I just stopped to put
+on a pair of shoes, and then I went after him; he ran down the dark
+staircase as hard as he could, and I, anxious to give him one kick, for
+the sake of honour, pursued him.  Both of us got safely to the bottom
+of the stairs, and I fairly raced him across the back quad, but just as
+we were going into the front one Lambert stopped suddenly and doubled
+back, while I was running so furiously that I did not turn quickly
+enough, and before I could follow him I saw another man standing in
+front of me with a little straggly beard and great big spectacles.  We
+looked at each other, and then I gave up thinking about Lambert and
+walked back to my rooms; there was a horrid wind, and I shivered in my
+pyjamas as I went back to my staircase.  Lambert seemed to have
+disappeared altogether, but I met Jack striking matches and groping his
+way down.
+
+"Did you catch him?" he asked.
+
+"Just like my luck," I answered.  "I met the Subby."
+
+"What's he doing at this time of night?"
+
+"That's what he will ask me to-morrow if he recognized me.  There
+wasn't much light."
+
+"He ought to have been in bed."
+
+"I don't believe dons ever go to bed," I replied.  "Give me a match, so
+that I can get up without breaking my neck."
+
+The next morning Lambert came round while I was at breakfast.  He was
+full of apologies and hopes that the Subby had not recognized me.
+
+"He told me that he sleeps so badly, that he often gets up in the
+middle of the night and takes a walk," he said, without the slightest
+regard for truth.
+
+"Then there is no reason why I shouldn't take a run if I like," I
+replied.
+
+"But you were shouting," he said, as if he wished I had not been.
+
+"I'm a somnambulist, only I somnambulate faster than most people."
+
+"I'm afraid that won't wash," he said, and he started striding up and
+down my room until he found he was always coming to a wall, and then he
+stopped in front of the looking-glass, and stared earnestly at himself.
+"Can't we think of anything better than that?" he asked.
+
+"Doesn't your own face help you?" I asked, and he turned round slowly.
+
+"One of my front teeth has got a chip off it," he said.
+
+"By Jove!" I answered, for Lambert both the last thing at night and the
+first thing in the morning, was too much for me.
+
+"But about the Subby?"
+
+"He hasn't sent for me yet.  Just poke your head out of the door and
+yell for Clarkson; yell, don't think you are singing."
+
+He did yell, and I had breakfast cleared away.
+
+"I am afraid he must have seen you if you saw him," he went on, and the
+bulk of the man seemed to cover up all my mantelpiece.
+
+"Get out of the light, I want some matches," I said.  "Perhaps he saw
+you."
+
+"No, I caught a glimpse of his beard coming round the corner."
+
+"I wish men wouldn't come and talk rot to me in the middle of the
+night."
+
+"I have apologized for that; of course I shall tell the Subby it was my
+fault."
+
+"You are a big enough fool to do anything," I retorted, but he only
+smiled at me, and after helping himself to a cigarette he went away.
+
+About half-past ten I got a wretched notice from the Subby to say he
+wished to see me at one o'clock, and I decided to stay in my rooms to
+work, and not to go round to Oriel until the afternoon.  My work
+however, was sadly interrupted, for as soon as I had really settled
+down, and I settle down slowly, Dennison came in to condole with me
+about my bad luck, but when I told him that I had got to go to the
+Subby I caught him grinning, which exasperated me.  So he soon
+disappeared, and then Jack Ward came, and after he had gone I went and
+had a talk with Murray.  I have never known a morning go so quickly.
+
+I had scarcely looked at the Subby's notice when I got it, for I only
+read the time I was to go to him, and then shoved the card into my
+pocket; but at one o'clock I went off to see him, wondering how I could
+explain matters best.  On my way across the front quad I met Lambert
+and Dennison lounging about arm-in-arm; they wished me luck, and I told
+them to go to blazes.  I simply hate men who can't stand without
+propping themselves up, the one against the other.
+
+I knocked at the Subby's door without having made up my mind why I had
+been running about in pyjamas at one o'clock in the morning; the
+somnambulist tale did all right to annoy Lambert, but I was not such an
+idiot as to try it on a don.  I had to knock twice before he told me to
+come in, and when he saw me he only said "good-morning."  So I said
+"good-morning" and waited.
+
+"What is it?" he asked, when he discovered that I did not want to go to
+some impossible place because my teeth ached, or my great-aunt wanted
+me.
+
+"You sent for me," I said.
+
+"No," and he shook his head until a lock of hair fell over his forehead.
+
+"At one o'clock."
+
+"I didn't send for you."
+
+"I have the notice in my pocket," and I took it out and looked at it.
+Then I saw that some one had been scratching at the top of the card,
+but they had done it very neatly.
+
+"Some one has been having a joke with you," he said, and he smiled as
+if he thought it a better joke than I did.
+
+"They will be watching for me to come out," I said, and I took my
+courage in my two hands.
+
+"I suppose they will," he answered, "but I don't want to know their
+names."
+
+"I didn't mean that," I replied.
+
+"What did you mean?" he asked, and I thought he was behaving splendidly.
+
+"I wish you would ask me to lunch if you aren't engaged," I said, "and
+then they will have to wait for longer than they bargained."
+
+"Of course," he answered, "they certainly deserve to wait."
+
+I enjoyed that meal very much, the Subby only wanted knowing a little
+and then he became quite a good sort, and I think he was amused at a
+fresher calmly asking himself to luncheon with him, but it ought to
+have shown that I had a certain amount of confidence in him, for even I
+could not have asked myself to a meal with Mr. Edwardes.  I doubt,
+however, if he ever thought of it in that light, for he had been Subby
+for five rather troubled years, and had so much to do with dealing with
+men who did things they ought not to have done, that he could have had
+no time to wonder why they did them.
+
+We began by condemning practical jokes, which was very tactful of him;
+he said that he knew only one good practical joke, and that was played
+upon himself, but he would not tell me what it was though I promised
+that I would never try it on anybody.  Then we talked about all sorts
+of things, until I had been with him nearly an hour, and the
+conversation was inclined to droop.
+
+"Do you sleep very badly?" I asked, because I had heard several dodges
+for getting rid of insomnia, and I should like to have done something
+for him.
+
+He blinked at me for an instant, and I think he was wondering what I
+was driving at, for I suppose it would not do for a Subby to sleep too
+soundly.  "I am thankful to say I have never been troubled with
+sleeplessness," he said, and he looked rather drowsy at that moment.
+
+"Some men do tell the most awful lies," I meant to say to myself, but
+somehow or other I said it much louder than I intended.
+
+But he took no notice, and after thanking him very much I left him,
+feeling that I had another ally; but it is never prudent to reckon upon
+a man who has to look after the conduct of the college, he gets worried
+and then does not understand things quite right.
+
+Lambert's head was poking out of Learoyd's window as I went back
+through the front quad, and thinking that I might as well get this
+thing finished off at once, I ran up-stairs and found Dennison and him
+in possession of Learoyd's rooms.
+
+"Much of a row?" Dennison said, with a kind of sickly sarcastic smile
+which meant that he had scored off me pretty badly.
+
+"Row?" I asked.
+
+"Was the Subby furious?"
+
+"I have been lunching with him," I answered; "I hope your lunch was not
+spoilt by waiting for me to come out."
+
+They did not know what to say to this, so Dennison went on smiling and
+Lambert stroked his upper lip with one finger.
+
+"You were nicely scored off," Dennison said at last.
+
+"I had a jolly good lunch," I replied.
+
+"Dennison doesn't make a bad Subby, and I imitate his writing pretty
+well," Lambert said.
+
+"The Subby himself must decide that, when he finds out who was ass
+enough to buy a beard like his."
+
+This reduced them to silence again, until Lambert said that he did not
+see how anybody could find out.
+
+"The Subby is much more wide-awake than you think.  I wouldn't care to
+be in Dennison's place, he has just done the one thing which dons can't
+stand.  However, the Subby is a rare good sort, and I shouldn't wonder
+if he let the thing drop, especially as it is the end of term," I said.
+
+"You looked fairly sick this morning," Dennison remarked, but he was
+more vicious and less smiling than he had been at the beginning.
+
+"You took me in all right," I acknowledged, "and I hope you won't hear
+any more about it."
+
+"What did you tell the Subby?" he asked.
+
+"Not much," and if he was fool enough to think that there was any
+chance of the Subby trying to find out anything, I thought I had better
+leave him to his doubts, so I went round to my rooms, and having got a
+straw-hat, I started off to see Fred; and fortunately I found him at
+Oriel trying to make his cricket-bag hold more things than it was meant
+to hold.  He did not look particularly pleased to see me, but I have
+never yet met a man who can pack and be in a good temper at the same
+time.
+
+"Where are you off to?" I asked, for there were still some days before
+the end of the term.
+
+"I am going to Brighton to-night with Henderson."
+
+"How did you manage to get leave?"
+
+"We have both been seedy, and Rushden wanted us to go before we play
+Surrey again.  In my last three innings I've made seven runs, and I
+should think Rushden begins to wish he had never given me my blue.  I
+don't feel as if I should ever make another run."
+
+"Your dons must be good sorts," I said.
+
+"They're all right," he answered, and he sat down in a chair by the
+window and looked so unlike himself that I knelt down on the floor and
+took everything out of the bag.  Then I packed my best, which must have
+been worse than anybody else's except Fred's, and when I had finished,
+though the bag still bulged and was not a thing to be proud of, it did
+not bulge so very badly; at any rate Fred said it would do, but when I
+looked at him again I forgot entirely that I had intended to be angry
+with him.
+
+"What's the matter?" I asked.
+
+"Nothing to speak of.  I've had a cold and a headache, and just rotten
+little things like that.  Brighton will cure me," but he didn't speak
+as if he cared whether it did or not.
+
+"You've got to come to us directly that reading party is over or I
+won't have this cheque, and if I don't take the cheque I shall be in an
+awful hole," I said, for I can't lead up to things.
+
+"I would very much rather not come," he answered.
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know," he said, and then he got up and gave the bag a kick
+which, landing on a bat, hurt his toe.  "You're the best fellow in the
+world, Godfrey, but you don't understand."
+
+"There is something odd the matter with you, or you wouldn't say that.
+We don't say things like that to each other."
+
+"Won't you come down to Cornwall?"
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Is Ward going to stay with you?"
+
+"My people have asked him."
+
+"And is he going?"
+
+"He seems to think he is.  I told him the boat was rotten and the cob
+fat, and that there was nothing on earth to do," I added most stupidly,
+but I had no idea then that any one could really be troubled by things
+which had never affected me in the least.
+
+"And he is going all the same," Fred said, and he did not look a bit
+more cheerful.
+
+So I sat forward in my chair and talked to him.  It does not matter
+what I said, but I kept clear of Nina, and told him my people would be
+desperately sick with him, which made him uncomfortable, because he and
+my mother liked each other very much.  I also told him that he was
+treating me badly; but I soon had to drop that, because he did not seem
+to think that it would make any difference how he behaved to me.
+However, I stirred him up, and if ever a man wanted stirring up he did;
+so at last he promised that he would come to us in September and stay
+until the end of the vac, if he was wanted.  I told him that if no one
+else wanted him I always should; but this remark did not appear to
+cheer him up at all, and I began to think he must be bilious.  I know
+that whenever I had a cold at one of my private schools, the wife of
+the head-master always said it came from eating too much.  But she was
+a curious woman with a large imagination, and when I wouldn't eat
+boiled rice and rhubarb-jam she told me that it was rice that made the
+niggers such fine men; this, however, did not have the effect upon me
+which she desired, for I was only eight years old, and had got an idea
+that if I agreed to eat rice I should become black.  That lady has made
+me think ever since that from whatever cause an illness comes it is
+never from over-eating.
+
+So I soon rejected the theory of Fred being bilious, though any reason
+for his unfitness except Nina would have been welcome.  After a few
+minutes spent in the unsatisfactory pursuit of finding out that my
+batting average for St. Cuthbert's was 2.4, which I discovered not for
+my own gratification but to please Fred, Henderson came in, looking
+more freckled than ever and not in the least ill.
+
+"You have got to come to Cornwall with us, hasn't he?" he said at once.
+
+"The brute won't come," Fred said.
+
+"You will have to; you know all the men, and they all want you to come.
+We will have a rare good time--only Fred and Hawkins have to work hard,
+the rest of us are not going to do much."
+
+"I have to work all the vac," I said sorrowfully, and Fred, who had
+smiled at my average, began to laugh once more, and he really seemed to
+be much more cheerful when I saw him and Henderson off at the station,
+than he had been earlier in the afternoon.
+
+The last few days of the term were terribly dull, because some of us
+had to do collections, and my papers did not altogether please Mr.
+Edwardes.  I promised again that I would do a lot of work in the vac;
+but Jack Ward arranged that he would come down and stay with us
+directly after the 'Varsity match was over, and I could not be expected
+to allow him to loll in a boat and play the fool without restraint.
+
+I had not been at home in June for years, and June is the month in
+which to see my mother's garden.  Everything went swimmingly for a day
+or two; Fred made a lot of runs against Sussex, and Henderson--whose
+blue was very uncertain--made seventy-six.  I was enormously pleased,
+and suggested at dinner that we should all go up to town to see Fred
+play in the 'Varsity match.  My father and mother were rather delighted
+with the idea, and said they would go if Nina cared to come with us.
+
+"It's the middle of the season," I said promptly, for I suppose I was
+getting artful.
+
+"I would rather not go," Nina said decidedly, "but do take Godfrey up
+with you."
+
+"I shan't leave you here by yourself," my mother answered.
+
+"It's a pity Miss Read has gone," I put in, and Nina looked very
+savagely across the table at me.
+
+"You had better go up by yourself," my father said.
+
+"Don't you want to see Fred playing in his first 'Varsity match--you
+came up in December to see me play?" I asked Nina.
+
+But she simply went on eating her fish as if I had not spoken, and I
+wished again that Miss Read had not left us.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON
+
+There is not much room for a feud in a small family, and, thank
+goodness, I did not belong to a large one.  Collier had five brothers
+and four sisters, some of whom were never on speaking terms with the
+others except at Christmas or a birthday when, from habit, they
+declared a truce.  "The truce is no good," Collier said to me when he
+told me about it, "because the only thing which happens is that they
+change sides.  I believe they pick up."  "What happens to you?" I
+asked.  "Oh, I'm neutral, a sort of referee, and have a worse time than
+anybody," he replied, and I was glad that fate had not decreed that I
+should be born into the Collier family.
+
+I am sure that had I been able to find any one else to talk to, I
+should have left Nina alone after she had refused to go to the 'Varsity
+match.  It would have been a great effort, but I thought that Nina was
+going out of her way to be particularly horrid, and she liked talking
+as much as I did.  Silence, an air of offended dignity, the sort of
+not-angry-but-very-sorry business, would have been a heavy punishment
+for her if I could only have inflicted it, but when my father and
+mother were engaged there was often nobody, except Nina, to ask to do
+anything.  So after wasting one beautiful afternoon I decided that the
+best thing I could do was to come to a plain understanding with her.
+
+Fortified by my idea, but at the same time rather nervous, because I
+knew that unless you are a master and the other person happens to be a
+boy it is much easier to talk about a plain understanding than to
+arrive at it, I strolled on to the lawn, and after taking a circuitous
+route I sat down by Nina.  I had got her at a disadvantage because she
+was reading a book which my mother had said was good for her, and if I
+sat there long enough and bounced a tennis-ball up and down in front of
+me I knew she was bound to talk.  For some reason or other I did not
+feel like beginning, and this disinclination did not come from
+chivalry, but I must confess from fear, Nina being armed with all sorts
+of weapons which if I had possessed I should not have known how to use.
+
+"You seem to be very busy," she said after I had bounced my ball up and
+down two hundred and eleven times without missing it.  I took no notice
+of that remark except to count out loud.  "Twelve, thirteen, fourteen"
+I went on carefully, and when I was half-way through fifteen she threw
+her hat at the ball and, by a miracle, hit it.
+
+"You are as big a baby now as you were ten years ago," she said.
+
+"I only wish you were," I answered, and threw the ball away from me.
+
+"So that I might everlastingly fetch and carry for you and Fred," she
+replied quickly.
+
+"That isn't true," I retorted; "at least if it is true of me it isn't
+of Fred.  He always treats you well."
+
+"You will talk to me about Fred until I shall positively hate him."
+
+"I want to talk about him now," I said.
+
+"Of course you do, he is your favourite topic of conversation," and
+really I believe she knew that if she attacked me I should forget to
+talk about Fred.
+
+"You don't seem to see what a friend he is of mine," I answered.
+
+"If I liked all the friends of every one I know, I should never have
+any time to do anything else."
+
+"You forget that I happen to be your brother," I said, but I might have
+known better than to make such a remark, for she seemed to think it was
+amusing.
+
+"Sometimes you are quite delicious," she returned, and I began to feel
+that we were as far off a plain understanding as we had ever been.
+
+"Look here, Nina, you are beginning to give yourself airs, and it is
+time some one told you," I began desperately.  "You will be known as a
+nice girl gone wrong; you were nice once, and now you talk as if you
+know a lot of people and try to make out you are about twice as old as
+you really are.  It won't do, it really won't; what's the good of
+pretending things, it's such a waste of time?"
+
+She looked away from me when I had finished, and I had not the vaguest
+idea how she would reply, but at any rate she did not laugh.
+
+"You are really serious for once," she said half questioningly.
+
+"I often try to be serious, only no one ever suspects it," I answered,
+unable to keep myself out of it.
+
+"But you are always one-sided."
+
+I very nearly said that I had only spoken for her good, but managed to
+stop myself, because no one ever believes you when you say it.
+Besides, it would have annoyed her, so I was silent.
+
+"You see you have not got much older, and I have.  I couldn't bounce a
+ball up and down two hundred and thirteen times now."
+
+Again I used abstinence and stopped myself from telling her that she
+could never have done it, for she was quite solemn, and I thought we
+were getting at something.  I hoped, too, that we should get it
+quickly, for a tired feeling was creeping over me.
+
+"You are only eighteen," I said.
+
+"I am nineteen next week," she answered, and I knew that she meant this
+both as a rebuke and a reminder.
+
+"That's not very old."
+
+"It's old enough for me to know that you and I will never quarrel about
+trifles," she said.
+
+"Then will you come to the 'Varsity match?" I asked.
+
+"You don't think the 'Varsity match a trifle, do you?"
+
+"I'm not going to sit here and quibble; you're too clever altogether,"
+I said, and I got up and wondered in which direction there was most to
+do, but Nina stood up, too, and put her hand through my arm.
+
+"Let us go for a walk by the river before dinner," she said, and after
+asking what good she thought that would do I went.
+
+"My dear Godfrey, you are simply splendid," she went on, "the dearest
+old bungler I know.  You remind me of the Faulkners' ostrich, which
+goes on tapping at the window when it has been opened and there is
+nothing to tap at."
+
+I did not know what she meant, and if that ostrich had not been rather
+a friend of mine I should have been insulted.  As it was I did not feel
+pleased.
+
+"You will spend your life running your head against brick walls," she
+continued.
+
+"I am not going down to the river if you are going to preach to me,"
+but we were already half-way there.  "What about the 'Varsity match?"
+
+"You don't understand things, Godfrey."
+
+"Fred has told me that already," I said sulkily.
+
+"Oh, has he?" she replied, and I saw that I had stumbled upon something
+which made her think.  We sat down by the river and did not speak to
+each other for a long time, and when Nina broke the silence her mood
+had changed completely.  She cajoled me; I think that must have been
+what she did, and I was weak enough to like it.  It was so nice to have
+me home again; we were going to have a splendid time together, we
+always had been together; Mrs. Faulkner said Oxford spoiled so many men
+at first, it made them prigs; but there was no chance of me becoming a
+prig, I was just the best sort of brother in the world, because when I
+did meddle in other people's business I hated doing it, and did it all
+wrong; in the future she would try to do everything to please me, for
+she was never happy unless I was.  As regards my digestion, I certainly
+must have resembled the Faulkners' ostrich, for I swallowed all this;
+and when we had walked back home I felt as if my attempt to come to an
+understanding had not been a failure.
+
+When, however, I thought over what she had said I was not so pleased,
+for I began to see that if the summer was to be splendid and I was not
+to be called a prig I must give up the idea of taking her to the
+'Varsity match.  In fact, in ten minutes I had come to the conclusion
+that I had been made a fool of, but no one could expect me to begin the
+thing all over again.  I made a resolution then, which is worth
+recording because I kept it, that I would never tackle Nina again about
+my friends; she was too much for me, I acknowledged to myself, and
+apart from determining that she should at least behave decently to
+Fred, I made up my mind to keep clear of things which seemed altogether
+out of my line.
+
+It was arranged finally that I should go alone to town for the 'Varsity
+match, and should bring Jack Ward back with me.  My mother said I must
+stay with the Bishop, and if she had not wanted me to go very much I
+think I should have found a number of reasons why I had better stay
+with him at some other time.  For though the Bishop in the country had
+made himself quite pleasant, I had a sort of feeling that he had his
+eye on me and that this visit would be one of inspection.  My
+reluctance was apparent to Nina, and one evening she mentioned it
+before dinner.
+
+"I don't see what there is to be afraid of.  Think of him as an uncle,"
+she said.
+
+"I am not afraid of a hundred bishops," I answered.
+
+"Then you needn't be nervous about going to stay with half one, because
+he's only a suffragan."
+
+"You shouldn't speak of your uncle in that way, Nina," my mother said.
+"It makes no difference whether he is an archbishop or a curate, but I
+won't have him spoken of as if he is a fraction."
+
+"Godfrey used to hate him, at any rate," she replied, simply to create
+a diversion.
+
+"I am sure he didn't," and my mother's eyes turned questioningly upon
+me.
+
+"I did rather bar him at one time until he was decent in the summer, he
+used to think himself so funny," I explained.
+
+"I wish you would talk English," my father said.  "Dinner is already a
+quarter of an hour late, I am going into the dining-room."  He marched
+off quickly and Nina began to laugh, but I think she must also have
+been a little ashamed of herself.
+
+"I am a scapegoat for everybody," I said to her; "for you, the cook,
+and the gardener's boy, whose whistle is always mistaken for mine."
+
+"Never mind," she answered, "you don't look very depressed."
+
+"It isn't fair, all the same; you don't play the game," and as my
+mother had already gone into the dining-room to sit rebukefully at a
+foodless table I followed her.
+
+These solemn waitings, which did not happen unfrequently, were comical
+to me, and since my father never could understand why Nina and I were
+amused at them, he had generally forgotten his original grievance
+before dinner began.
+
+When I got to London I could not help being struck by the difference
+between a bishop at work and a bishop at play.  The chief impression I
+got of my uncle was of a man most strenuously at labour; if he wanted
+to lecture me he never had time to do it, and nearly the first thing he
+said was that I was to do exactly as I liked, and he gave me a
+latch-key so that I might feel that I was a bother to nobody.  He was
+so extraordinarily kind and simple that I wondered how on earth it was
+that I had really hated him at one time, for I had hated him quite
+honestly, and I came to the conclusion that as soon as he had ceased to
+be a pompous humorist he had become a very nice man.  At any rate he no
+longer made jokes, and I never had been able to think them good ones,
+because those which I remembered had been nearly always directed at me.
+
+The 'Varsity match was a complete failure owing to the weather, and was
+never likely to be finished.  Fred made fifteen in the one Oxford
+innings, and as the whole side made under a hundred, he didn't do so
+badly.  But I think Cambridge might have won if the game had been
+played out, so when it poured with rain on the third day, I did not
+mind very much, apart from the fact that Lord's in wet weather is a
+terribly dismal place.  I went back about one o'clock to my uncle's
+house and having found a huge London directory, I hunted for the name
+of Owen.  I soon found an address in Victoria Street, which seemed to
+be the one for which I was looking.  "Professor of Gymnastics, Boxing
+and Fencing" was pretty well bound to be right, and in the afternoon I
+started off to find Owen.
+
+I wanted to ask him to come and stay with us as soon as Jack Ward had
+gone, and I had already told my mother about his illness, though I had
+never mentioned the life-saving tale.  I had often wanted to ask my
+father what really happened, only having made a promise, I had got to
+stick to it, and I wished I had never been fool enough to make it; it
+seemed to be making a lot of fuss about nothing.  But, if I could
+persuade Owen to come, the whole thing would have to be cleared up, and
+I thought being in the country would do him so much good, that the
+Professor would make him come whether he wanted to or not.  I did not
+know quite what my father would say when he heard all about Owen, for
+in some ways he belonged to what, I believe, is called "the old
+school," and clung tenaciously to the belief that there was not a
+Radical yet born who did not work night and day for the destruction of
+the British Empire.  We never talked politics at home, though sometimes
+we listened to a lecture.  But, as Owen said that he would never have
+lived if it had not been for my father, they ought, I imagined, to have
+a sort of friendly feeling for each other, though I cannot say that I
+felt any great confidence in this idea.  I relied more on the fact that
+as soon as you had removed the crust from my father, you found a huge
+lot of kindness underneath it.  He liked to complain, and some people,
+who knew him very slightly, thought he liked nothing else, but they
+were most hopelessly wrong.
+
+My chief recollection of that walk along Victoria Street is that my
+umbrella was constantly bumping into other umbrellas; I must have tried
+to walk too fast, and the result was that by the time I reached the
+Professor's, I was hot and splashed, and my umbrella had a large rent
+in it.  The door of the house was open, and I saw a notice hanging on
+the side of the wall which told me to walk up-stairs.  What I was to do
+when I had walked up-stairs puzzled me, so I went back into the street,
+and having rung a bell as a sort of announcement that some one was
+coming, I went up slowly.  The house seemed to be full of stuffiness
+and gloom, so much so that had I been unable to find either the
+Professor or his son, I should not have been at all sorry.  I was,
+however, met on the first landing by a servant who must have been
+cleaning a grate when I interrupted her.  Her hair was straying over
+her face, and as she stood waiting for me to explain my business, she
+tried to arrange it properly, but she only succeeded in putting two
+large streaks of black upon her nose and forehead.
+
+"I want to see Professor Owen," I said untruthfully.
+
+"'E's porely this afternoon."
+
+"Never mind," I replied quickly, "is Mr. Owen in--his son?"
+
+"'E don't live 'ere, 'e lives at West-'Am with 'is ornt."
+
+"Would you give me his address, I won't interrupt the Professor if he
+is not well?"
+
+"Who may you be, I don't remember your fice?"
+
+"I know Mr. Owen at Oxford, I have never been here before."
+
+She laughed for a moment and then said she should have to ask the
+Professor for the address, but just as I was going to say I would write
+and ask him to forward my letter, a door opened on my right, and an
+enormous man in a blue pair of trousers and a flannel shirt came out
+into the passage.
+
+"This gent wants Mr. 'Ubert's address," the servant said, and
+disappeared very quickly up another flight of stairs.
+
+"Are you the Professor?" I asked.
+
+"That's me."
+
+I held out my hand, but the passage was dark and his attempt to get
+hold of it went wide.
+
+"Will you come into my room?  Business, I suppose?"
+
+I said it was business, and walked into a small sitting-room, which
+seemed to be furnished principally with a table, a big arm-chair, and
+empty bottles.
+
+"I'm cleaning up a bit to-day, you must excuse the bottles," he said,
+and put his hands on the table.  I would have excused everything if
+only the room had not been so dreadfully close, and I stood while the
+Professor looked at the bottles and finally picked one up and put it
+down again in the same place.  Then, as if the exertion was too much
+for him, he sank with a thud into the chair.
+
+"You aren't well, I am afraid."
+
+"No," he answered, "not at all well; damp heat always affects my head."
+
+I sat down on a box labelled "soda-water" and looked at him.  My first
+impression of him had been one of huge strength, my second was one of
+flabbiness, and no one could help guessing the reason.  Everything
+about him was huge except his eyes, and they might have been had I been
+able to see what they were like, but all I could see was the puffiness
+beneath them, and that was enough to make me wish I had never come.  I
+stared at him for some time, but he did not speak, and at last he began
+to breathe so heavily that I had to interrupt him.  "I say, Professor,"
+I began, and he jumped up and began to rub his eyes.  Then he sat down
+again and putting his elbows on his knees looked at me as if he was
+trying to remember what brought me there.
+
+"This is my afternoon off," he said; "I have no pupils until to-morrow
+at ten o'clock, and then I give a fencing-lesson to the Honourable Mr.
+Bostock.  Perhaps you know him?"
+
+I said that I did not, and I thought the Professor was a snob.
+
+"What can I do for you?  Fencing or boxing?  I trained Ted Tucker years
+ago--you remember Ted Tucker, the Bermondsey Bantam as they called him?
+My eye, he was a hot 'un with his fists."
+
+I had never heard of Ted Tucker, and said so.
+
+"You don't seem to know anybody," he replied, and for the life of me I
+could not help laughing.
+
+"Look here, young man, I'm not going to be laughed at.  I may have my
+little weakness, but I keep my self-respect, and I'd like you to
+remember that, if you can remember anything.  Who are you, I've asked
+you that before, and where did you come from?"  He glared angrily in my
+direction and I did not like the look of him at all.
+
+"I came to see your son," I answered; "I don't want to fence or box,
+but his address."
+
+His manner changed at once.  "Are you from Oxford?" he asked.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And you call on my afternoon off, that's most unlucky."  He talked all
+right but his legs were uncertain, and when he stood up he found the
+mantelpiece useful.  "Rheumatism, I'm a martyr to it," he said.
+
+"Very painful," I remarked, and got off my soda-water case.
+
+"Don't get up, it's passing off.  If you're from Oxford, I must put on
+a coat and collar.  Would you oblige me with your name?"
+
+"Godfrey Marten," I said.
+
+"Colonel Marten's son?  Here, sit in this chair.  I must put on two
+coats," and he made a most gurgly kind of sound which must have meant
+that he was amused with himself.  Then he looked towards the door as if
+wondering whether he could reach it.
+
+"Please don't put on anything for me," I said, and I took his arm and
+directed him back to the chair.
+
+"Your father saved my life, and you're the very image of him.  It's
+enough to upset an old man like me," and without the slightest warning
+tears began to roll down his checks.
+
+"Cheer up," I said, for I felt very uncomfortable.
+
+"And you'll go and tell him that you found me--that you called on my
+afternoon off."
+
+"I shan't," I said stoutly.
+
+"And you've been a good friend to Hubert."
+
+"That's nothing; I want his address in West Ham."
+
+"Don't say it's nothing, no deed of kindness was yet cast away in this
+world of sin," and two more tears began to roll.
+
+"Stop that kind of thing, I simply can't stand it.  Pull yourself
+together," I said, "and if you will give me his address I'll go."
+
+"Don't go, you must stay and have a cup of tea.  The Colonel, I hope
+he's well?"
+
+"He's all right; you write to him still, don't you?"
+
+"No, I never write to him."
+
+"Hubert told me you did."
+
+"He made a mistake.  The Colonel and I quarrelled, but you must never
+say a word.  I was treated badly, but I don't bear anybody any grudge,
+leastways not to the man who saved my life.  Hasn't he ever told you
+about it?"
+
+"Never."
+
+"That's like him, but he will never want to hear my name again; I
+should take it as a favour if you will not mention it."
+
+"Why shouldn't I?" I asked.
+
+He stood up again and was ever so much better.
+
+"I was misunderstood," he said.
+
+"How did you ever know anything about me?"
+
+"The gymnasium instructor at Cliborough is my brother-in-law.  He was
+in the old regiment.  He told me about you."
+
+"He taught me fencing," I said, and added, "But why did you want Hubert
+to see me?"
+
+"You do want to get to the bottom of things; would you like some tea?"
+
+I did not want any tea, but I asked if I might open the window, and
+then I took my case across the room and got some air.
+
+"It's right for every man to have one ambition," he said, in the way
+which made me loathe him.
+
+"What's yours?" I asked promptly.
+
+"That Hubert shall be a gentleman, that's why I wanted him to know you,
+only he's so shy----"
+
+"Good gracious!" was all I could exclaim, and it did not express my
+astonishment in the least.
+
+"You'd have done very well for my job if he'd only buttoned on to you."
+
+"He is not the kind of man to 'button on.'"
+
+"Don't you teach your grandfather to suck eggs," he said angrily.  "I
+like your impudence, but I'm busted if I can put up with it," but
+before I could answer him he was apologizing and shaking my hand most
+vigorously.
+
+At that moment Hubert opened the door, and both saw and heard what was
+happening.
+
+The Professor turned round quickly and forgot to drop my hand, with the
+result that I was pulled from my soda-water case on to the floor.
+
+"I thought," he gasped, "it was old Ally Sloper."
+
+I managed to escape from him and to stand up.  Hubert, however, did not
+say anything, but began to brush my coat with his hand.
+
+"Who is Ally Sloper?" I asked, for I began to think that the Professor,
+who was looking ashamed of himself, was a lunatic.
+
+"He's Mr. King, the man who helps me at Oxford, he dresses rather
+funnily," Hubert explained.
+
+"He bothers me when I am not well," the Professor added, but he did not
+seem certain what line to take and kept his back turned to both of us.
+
+"If you would only be well, he wouldn't bother you," Hubert said at
+once.
+
+"I am better than I used to be.  You know how the weather upsets me, I
+haven't had an afternoon off for six weeks.  Ask Emily," and when he
+turned round the tears were once more rolling down his cheeks, and I
+was desperately afraid that I was in for a regular scene.
+
+"You are nearly all right now," I said, "and I must be going if Hubert
+will walk a little way with me."
+
+He took my hand again and held it.  "You will not think very badly of
+an old man who has served his country," he said.
+
+"No, but I do think you ought to be----" and then I stopped.
+
+"What?"
+
+"It's no business of mine."
+
+"You are the son of the man who saved my life."
+
+"Oh don't," I replied, and a tear dropping plump on the back of my hand
+settled me.  "I was going to say ashamed of yourself."
+
+"To think that any one should say that in the presence of my son," he
+said, and dropped my hand.
+
+"I have said it a hundred times, but no one else has ever had the pluck
+to," Hubert put in.
+
+"Kick a worm when he doesn't turn," he said confusedly.
+
+"That's all rot," I answered, and something compelled me to walk up to
+him and tap him on the shoulder.  "You aren't a worm, and I wouldn't
+dare to kick you.  Wouldn't dare, do you see; you're a fine, big chap,
+why in heaven's name don't you pull yourself together?  I don't know
+much about it, but I'll bet it's worth it.  A man like you oughtn't to
+go crying like a baby."
+
+"No sympathy," he moaned.
+
+"Rot," I said again.  "I shall tell my uncle about you, he'll be a
+jolly useful friend."
+
+"What's he?"
+
+"A parson."
+
+"Two pennuth of tea and a tract.  No thanks," he shook his head
+decidedly.
+
+"He's not that kind.  A man isn't bound to be an ass because he is a
+parson."
+
+"You seem to have kind of taken charge of me," he said.
+
+"I don't mean any harm," and then, for it was no time for facts, I
+added, "I like you, you are an awfully good sort, really."
+
+"Me and the parson uncle," he said, and he gave a hoarse chuckle.  "We
+should do well in double harness.  I'd pull his head off in about ten
+minutes."
+
+"May I ask him to call on you?"
+
+"You'd better see what Hubert says.  I'm only a dummy."
+
+"A good big dummy," I answered, with the intention of taking myself off
+pleasantly.
+
+"Oh, be rude.  Trample on me, call me names," and then swelling out his
+chest and glaring at me, he added, "Hit me."
+
+"I shouldn't care to risk it," I returned, and asked Hubert, who had
+been walking aimlessly round the room, if he was ready.
+
+We left at last, and were pursued down-stairs by volleys of apologies.
+I had to stop twice and shout back that I was not offended and that I
+forgave everything, though from the way I had talked to him it struck
+me that he had about as much to forgive as I had.
+
+We walked towards Victoria without speaking, and when I did try to talk
+I was most horribly hoarse, I must have fairly shouted at the Professor.
+
+"My father's often like that after an afternoon off," Owen said
+presently.  "He's first angry and then apologetic, and in the end he's
+most horribly ashamed of himself.  Wednesday afternoon is his worst
+time, and I generally try to be with him and then he's all right, but I
+got stopped to-day.  He comes down to my aunt's on Sundays, though he
+hates it."
+
+"I believe he would like my uncle, he wouldn't jaw and cant."
+
+"Do as you like.  I've never thanked you, except in letters, for seeing
+me through that illness."
+
+"How are you now?"
+
+"All right; I feel as if I have been ill, that's all."
+
+"You've got to come down to Worcestershire," I said; "a fortnight there
+will do you more good than years of West Ham."
+
+"I can't do that," he answered at once.
+
+We turned into Victoria Station and sat down on a bench.  For some
+minutes I listened to his objections and answered them; in all my life
+I do not think I have ever been quite so sorry for any one, though I
+had sense enough not to tell him so.  I felt rather a brute when I left
+him; it seemed to me that I had been having a most splendid time
+without knowing it, while he had been having a very wretched one, but I
+can't keep on feeling a brute long enough for it to do me any good, if
+feeling a brute ever does any good.
+
+I overcame all Owen's objections, and I made him promise to come to
+Worcestershire, but as soon as I had time to think about it I wondered
+what on earth I should do with him when I had got him.  I could count
+on my mother as an ally.  I did not altogether know what my father
+would think, and Nina, as far as I was concerned, was represented by x
+in a problem to which no one had ever found an answer which was
+anything like right.
+
+The first thing to do, however, was to go for the Bishop, and I think I
+can say that I went for him at some length.  I didn't explain well, or
+he was very stupid, because he got dreadfully mixed up before he got
+the facts of the case clearly, and I can't say that he seemed
+altogether pleased when I told him that I had as good as promised that
+he would be a friend to the Professor.
+
+"As it is, I am rushed off my legs.  Who was it you said he had
+trained?"
+
+"Ted Tucker."  I had brought that in as a piece of local colour or
+whatever it is called, just to liven things up a bit, but I am afraid
+it was a mistake.
+
+"You see, I don't know anything about prize-fighters.  I did box once,
+but that's years ago."
+
+"Why, you're the very man," I exclaimed.  "He'd love you; he's not a
+bit more like a prize-fighter than he is like a Professor, he's more
+like a sort of prehistoric man in blue trousers and a shirt."
+
+But prehistoric men did not seem to appeal to my uncle any more than
+prize-fighters.  He looked very sombre indeed, so much so that I was
+quite impressed, but I had taken this job in hand and really had to see
+it through.  So I talked, and I won in the way all my few triumphs have
+been won, by talking until the other man wanted to go to bed.
+
+"I like your enthusiasm, Godfrey," he said at last, "and I wouldn't
+check it for the world.  I will do all I possibly can, both with the
+Professor and with your people.  But you can't persuade me that your
+father will like the son of a man, who has been dismissed from the army
+for some cause, to come down and stay with you."
+
+"Don't you tell that to anybody else," I said.  "Owen only told me this
+afternoon, he's only just found it out himself."
+
+"Are you going to tell your father all this?"
+
+"Everything except that the Professor gets drunk now, and you're going
+to stop that," I added cheerfully.
+
+"Oh, am I?" he answered, "I can't help wishing that it had not rained
+this afternoon and that you had been safely at Lord's."
+
+"Well you can't say that I've wasted my time."
+
+"You have got your hands too full, considering that you have promised
+to work this summer.  Don't forget you have got to work, we don't want
+any fourth in Mods," and then he wished me good-night, and on the next
+day I went home with Jack Ward, who had a most astounding lot of
+luggage.
+
+I am not going to describe my first summer vac at any length, because
+if I once began I should not have any idea when to stop, it was the
+kind of time which made gloomy people cheerful and cheerful people
+gloomy; silly, ridiculous things happened, and Mrs. Faulkner was at the
+bottom of most of them.  She even found a niece for me, but that came
+to nothing, for the niece was a very nice girl and in a week we
+understood each other beautifully.  She stayed a month with the
+Faulkners and thought of me as a brother, which was most satisfactory;
+sometimes, however, she treated me like one and then I was not so
+pleased.
+
+Jack Ward and Nina, in my opinion, behaved none too well; but my father
+liked Jack and my mother did not say much about him, which explains the
+whole thing.  He was always ready to do anything, and his only fault in
+my father's eyes was that he was never in time for breakfast.
+
+I was chiefly engaged during his visit in paving the way for Owen's.  I
+told my mother everything and wanted to tackle my father at once, but
+she said I must wait for a favourable opportunity.  I waited a whole
+week, and it had a most depressing effect on me, so I just walked into
+his study at last and got it over.  It happened to be a damp day,
+during which he had felt two twinges of lumbago, but he forgot those
+twinges before he had done with me.  I bore everything he said
+silently, because when he is in a furious rage in the beginning he
+tails off wonderfully at the end.  It seemed that he had a very low
+opinion of the Professor, and he declared emphatically that he was not
+going to have his house made into a sanatorium.  I listened to a crowd
+of disagreeable facts about my new friend, and my father declared that
+even the sight of his son would give him an attack of gout.  "It is
+true," he said, "that I did save his life, and he had, as far as that
+went, cause to be grateful, and he wasn't grateful but a disgrace to
+the regiment.  I want to forget all about the man and then you rake him
+up again, and you say that stupid uncle of yours, who plays cricket
+when he ought to be writing sermons, is going to be a friend to him.
+It's more than I can or will put up with," and he banged _The
+Nineteenth Century_ down on his writing-table so violently that he
+upset a vase of roses and some of the water went into his ink-pot.
+After that he was incoherent for a minute, and I, not knowing what to
+say, remarked that the Bishop could not be expected to write sermons
+during his holidays.
+
+"A bishop ought always to be writing sermons," was his only answer, and
+I guessed that his rage had reached its climax.  I tried to lower the
+flood on his table by means of my pocket-handkerchief, and waited.
+
+"What sort of a fellow is this son who pushes himself upon you in this
+way?  It's monstrous."
+
+"He's quiet and all right, and he has never pushed himself at all.  I
+made him promise to come; he didn't want to, only it's his chance to
+get well and he must take it.  You would have done the same thing."
+
+"What's he like?"
+
+"He's not exactly like any one else I know at Oxford, but----"
+
+"Of course he isn't."
+
+"I was going to say no one could possibly dislike him."
+
+"I suppose he will have to come, but I want you to understand that in
+future I insist on knowing whom you want to ask here before you ask
+them.  I am exceedingly annoyed, I shall go and see your mother."
+
+I went with him, as when I am about I generally manage to absorb most
+of his anger, but after a few outbursts my mother soothed him, and in
+the end he even gave a grim sort of smile when I said that unless he
+had saved the Professor there would have been no bother about his son.
+
+"Don't call that man a Professor," he said, "he's a humbug, he always
+was and always will be, and if it wasn't that I am sorry for a son who
+has such a father I wouldn't be talked over by you.  But you have given
+your uncle something to think about," and that idea sent him smiling to
+the window.
+
+One most splendid thing happened while Jack Ward was staying with us,
+for just before he was going away Nina fell into the river again and
+Jack was superb enough idiot to repeat his previous performance and
+jump in after her.  I met them trying to get into the house by a back
+way, and from the look of them I saw that they were feeling rather
+silly.  It is all very well to fall into one river, but when you start
+going overboard anywhere the thing becomes comical, and they fell from
+their high position as rescued and rescuer and had to put up with a
+good deal of wit, as we understood it at home.  I didn't say much,
+because Nina was better than I was at saying things, but whenever I saw
+her I gave way to fits of silent laughter.  I can't think how I thought
+of that dodge, it was so extraordinarily successful and so far above my
+average efforts, and as soon as I saw that it was working properly, I
+did not mind being called anything she liked.  And my father, being
+particularly well just then, helped me by what, I was determined to
+believe, were very humorous remarks.  Jack did not hear many of them,
+but the few he did hear must have upset him a little, for he tried to
+explain himself by saying that he would jump into anything to save a
+kitten, which from the look of Nina did not seem to satisfy her much.
+In the end I don't believe she was as sorry for Jack to go as I was.
+She could not stand being a family joke, and I, having suffered in that
+way many times, could have sympathized with her if I had not thought
+that it was much the best thing which could happen.
+
+I felt dull after Jack went, for he was the sort of man who does
+brighten up a place, and he was never by any chance bored; besides, I
+was wondering how I could make Owen enjoy himself, because the only
+thing I knew about him was that he did not care for any exercise except
+walking, and I hoped that he would be reasonable about the distances he
+wanted to go.
+
+However, the day before he was to come, Miss Read arrived, which was an
+idea of my mother's, and a very good one.  Miss Read had been Nina's
+governess for eight years, and she knew all of us better than we knew
+ourselves.  She was a kind of tonic when any of us were depressed, and
+a cooling draught when we were angry; in my case she had seldom been a
+tonic, but all the same when she had left us at Easter I was very
+sorry.  She was the only person I have ever seen of whom Nina was
+really afraid.  I am sure she could have told some funny tales if she
+had felt inclined.  She was supposed to be coming to see Nina, who was
+going to Paris in a few weeks to be "finished," but I am sure that my
+mother thought Owen would like her, and that she would like him.  And
+as it happened, they were both botanists and butterfly-catchers, at
+least Miss Read knew a lot about butterflies, though her time for
+catching them had gone by, and they were always doing things together.
+
+Worcestershire must certainly be a better place than West Ham for a
+botanist, and after Owen had got used to us I believe he enjoyed
+himself.  We worked together in the mornings, which pleased my father,
+and he let my mother give him as much medicine as she wanted to, which
+pleased her, and I feeling virtuous after reading every morning for
+nearly four hours, was very pleased with myself.  But he was in a
+mortal terror of Nina, though she really never gave him any cause to
+be, and made the most valiant efforts to learn the Latin names of
+plants.  Miss Read and he made excursions and grubbed about in hedges,
+and Nina and I often met them at some place to have tea.  It wasn't
+very exciting, for I had always to carry the kettle and the things to
+eat; but the sun shone most of the time, which was really a blessing,
+because on wet days Owen persuaded me to work in the afternoons as well
+as the mornings, and that was more than I had ever thought of doing in
+a vac.
+
+I suppose Owen was what is generally called a smug, but he was not one
+by choice but by compulsion, which is the best kind I should think.  He
+was so totally different from any other kind of friend I have ever had
+that I sometimes caught myself wondering whether I really liked him.
+But I could always satisfy myself about that, for there was one thing
+about him which no one could help liking; he was most tremendously
+clever and never tried to make out that he was, and having already seen
+plenty of people who were about as clever as I was, and who talked as
+if they were Solomon and Solon rolled into one, I was grateful to him.
+We got on very well together, though we had not got a single thing in
+common, except that we both liked sunshine; and that can't be said to
+be much, for I have only met one man in England who did not like the
+sun, and he had been affected, permanently, by too much of it.
+
+Men get blamed freely enough for putting on side about playing cricket
+and football well, and they deserve all they get, but the men who put
+on intellectual side ought, I think, to be spoken to more severely,
+because they get worse as they get older, while the first sort of side
+generally dies an early death.  Owen was a kind of encyclopaedia, who
+did not air or advertise himself, and I thought him a very rare
+specimen.  Athletics meant no more to him than botany or butterflies
+meant to me, but when he went away my father said emphatically that it
+was refreshing to think Oxford turned out some men who took interest in
+useful things.  I did not answer that remark, because he did not really
+know very much about Oxford, and his occasional hobby was that the
+country was being ruined by too many games.  "A very well-conducted
+young man," he said of Owen, "always up in the morning, and always
+ready to go to bed at night."
+
+"He looked much better when he went away than when he came," my mother
+said; "I hope we shall see him down here again."
+
+"I think he means to make a name for himself," Miss Read added; "he
+knows exactly what he wants."
+
+Nina yawned, and although I thought my father need not have described
+Owen as a well-conducted young man, I was thankful that his visit had
+passed off so well, and I said nothing.
+
+After Owen had gone away we had a fellow to stay with us out of my
+brother's regiment.  He was home on sick-leave, but had quite recovered
+from whatever had been the matter with him, and was as full of bounce
+as a tennis-ball.  Mrs. Faulkner loved him and wanted Nina to follow
+her example, as far as I could make out, for she gave a dance and a
+moonlight supper party on the river.  Mr. Faulkner, who was always more
+or less semi-detached, disappeared before the supper-party, which he
+told me was a midsummer madness.
+
+"There will be a mist and the food will be damp and horrid, and
+everybody will be wanting foot-warmers and hot-water bottles before
+they have done, you had better put on your thickest clothes and borrow
+my fur overcoat," he said to me.  And he was a true prophet, for Nina
+caught a violent cold in her head, which checked and really put a stop
+to a more violent flirtation.
+
+Nina went to Paris a few days after Fred came to us, and we all agreed
+that she would enjoy herself there, though I do not believe that any of
+us really thought she would.  As a matter-of-fact she was so home-sick
+that my mother would have gone to fetch her back if it had not been for
+Miss Read, who was blessed with much courage and common-sense.  Mrs.
+Faulkner tried her hardest to persuade my mother to bring Nina home
+again, and she came to our house and wept so much that I thought she
+was sure to win.  But Miss Read met tears with arguments, until Mrs.
+Faulkner stopped crying, and having lost her temper, forgot that Miss
+Read had not only been Nina's governess, but was also one of my
+mother's greatest friends.  So Nina stayed in Paris, and I wrote to her
+twice a week for a fortnight, but after that she began sending me
+messages in other people's letters, and I was sorry for her no longer.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD
+
+After Nina went to Paris Fred spent most of his time in trying to be
+cheerful, but for some days he looked as if he had lost something and
+expected to find it round the next corner.  I was very patient, though
+I do not believe he understood how often I wanted to argue with him.
+By the end of the vac, however, he had forgotten to be gloomy, and I
+hoped that Oxford would cure him altogether, for he had a good chance
+of getting his Rugger blue, and he had got to read; besides, I have
+never been able to see that perpetual gloom is of any use to anybody.
+
+I went back to St. Cuthbert's full of desperate resolutions.  I wanted
+to make every one in the college understand that it was the slackest
+place in Oxford, and having done that I wished to find the men who
+would make it keener.  The scheme was a gigantic one for me to take up;
+it needed tact, and I went at it so vigorously that in a few days I had
+offended some men and had succeeded in making others look upon me as a
+freak.  Dennison told me that I had a bee in my bonnet.  If he had said
+that I was mad I should not have minded, but those horrid little
+expressions of his always tried me very much, and I am bound to confess
+that my first efforts to rouse the college met with more ridicule than
+success.  Very few men seemed to care what happened to us, and nearly
+everybody pretended that our eight would rise again, and our footer
+teams cease to be laughed at, though no one tried to make them any
+better.  Dennison wrote a skit called "The Decline and Fall of St.
+Cuthbert's"; and some artist, who thought that my nose was as big as my
+arm, made a drawing of me in which I was trying to carry the college on
+my back, and was so overburdened by the weight of it that nothing but
+my nose prevented me from being crushed to the ground.  It was very
+funny and also very unfair in more ways than one, because I did not
+start my crusade with any idea of becoming important, and I have no
+feature which is superlatively large.
+
+This skit of Dennison's really settled me for a time, but I did stir up
+one or two men whom I had never expected to do anything.  Jack Ward
+stopped driving about with Bunny Langham, and began to play footer, and
+Collier actually went down to the river every afternoon.  Physical
+incapability prevented him from rowing well, but he persuaded several
+other men, who did not suffer as he did, to go through the same
+drudgery, and for self-sacrifice I thought he was hard to beat, because
+he was quite a comical sight in a boat.  What good did come from my
+first crusade was due chiefly to him; a kind of revivalist spirit was
+upon him, and many unsuspecting freshers who had only thought of the
+river as a place to avoid, were unable to resist his entreaties.
+
+The dons heard of my crusade, and I know that Mr. Edwardes did not like
+it, but I had two of them on my side, and the others did not take any
+active measures against me.  Mr. Edwardes took the trouble to tell me
+that I was mistaken in thinking that the reputation of St. Cuthbert's
+depended upon athletics, and I answered that I had never supposed
+anything of the kind, but that I thought a college which was slack
+about other things would end by being slack in the schools.  This reply
+of mine surprised him so much that he told me that any campaign to be
+successful must be managed by the right people, and I agreed with him
+cordially, for although I knew that plenty of men would have worried
+everybody out of their slackness much more successfully than I could, I
+was not going to tell him so.
+
+The Bursar supported me soundly, and we had a new don at the beginning
+of my second year who took a most invigorating interest in the college.
+He was known to us as "The Bradder," and though his real name was
+Bradfield it was seldom used, and as far as we were concerned he could
+have done quite well without it.  I had become so accustomed to aged
+dons that I could not understand him at first, he was so very young.
+He was also reported to be very clever, but I was so impressed by his
+youthfulness that it took me some time to believe that he would ever
+count for much.  I ought, however, to have known that The Bradder was
+not the kind of man who would allow himself to become a nonentity, for
+he was full of energy and determination.
+
+I was never able to find out how the dons heard of my scheme, but they
+find out most things by some extraordinary means, and The Bradder spoke
+to me very encouragingly about it, though he looked at me as if I
+amused him in some odd sort of way.  He also asked me to breakfast,
+which I thought was carrying kindness a little too far.  I anticipated
+the usual thing--a crowd of men with large appetites, and a host who
+abstained from food in his efforts to provide conversation; but when I
+went to The Bradder's rooms I found that I was in for a _tête-à-tête_,
+and my opinion of the other kind of breakfast rose considerably.  As a
+don I was not in the least nervous of him, but as a host I thought he
+might be overwhelming.
+
+That he ever lived through this meal without laughing was a marvel, for
+when I was sitting opposite to him my nervousness vanished, and I told
+him exactly what I thought about every subject he suggested, and it was
+not until I had left him that it occurred to me that I had been talking
+nearly all the time, and that he had said very little.  I determined
+that he was a most thoroughly good sort, but the idea of his being a
+don struck me as being absurd.  I put him on my side with the Warden
+and the Bursar, and thought that Mr. Edwardes was in a hopeless
+minority of one in persecuting me, for I looked upon the Subby as a man
+who had been born to be neutral.  I do not suppose that I should ever
+have started my first crusade if I had known that it was going to cause
+the mildest of sensations.  As far as I had thought about it at all, I
+had imagined that everybody in St. Cuthbert's would be glad to see the
+college take its usual place again, and certainly I had no idea that I
+should be violently supported and opposed.  The captains of everything
+were in favour of less slackness, but Dennison and all his set said
+that an Oxford college was not a public school, and talked a lot of
+nonsense about the iniquity of compulsory games.  No further proof is
+needed to show how unfair they were, for a man must be mad to dream of
+compulsory games at Oxford, and such an idea never entered my head.
+But all this talking made me wish that I had never said or done
+anything, and before long I was heartily tired of the whole thing, for
+my own affairs became rather more than I could manage.
+
+At the beginning of the term I had moved into larger rooms, and I was
+elected to both Vincent's and the St. Cuthbert's wine club.  Murray
+advised me not to join the wine club, because I was an exhibitioner,
+and the dons would be sure to fix their eyes steadfastly upon me if I
+did.  But Jack Ward was very anxious for me to join, and every other
+member, except Dennison, who was only elected when I was, spoke to me
+about it.  So I became one of the twelve Mohocks, which only meant that
+I could give a guest a good dinner three or four times a term, and
+after that take him to the rooms of the club where there was a big
+dessert, and old Rodoski, who was concealed in the bedder, unless some
+one asked him to show himself, provided music.  When we had finished
+with Rodoski we went out of college and played pool, and then we came
+back and played cards.  There was not much harm about the whole thing,
+and occasionally it was quite dull, but some of our dons had got hold
+of the idea that a Mohock must be a rowdy and riotous person.  Mr.
+Edwardes was one of them, and I found out very soon that he considered
+that I ought not to have joined the club.  I did not, however, feel in
+the least like resigning, for though there were one or two members who
+took delight in nothing which was not an orgie, they were generally
+suppressed before they made much noise.  A club of this kind depends a
+good deal upon its President, and we had a man who thought far too much
+of the reputation of the Mohocks to insult his guests by a common
+pandemonium.
+
+My position with Mr. Edwardes had become a critical one when I broke my
+collar-bone playing against Richmond, and suddenly ceased to be a
+culprit and became an invalid.  At the time I was very sick at my
+footer ending so abruptly, but my accident was really a stroke of good
+luck, for I feel certain that I should have been turned out of the
+'Varsity fifteen anyhow.  An Irish international named Hogan had come
+up who was, I thought, a really good full-back, and each time I was
+asked to play for the 'Varsity I expected to be my last.  But as soon
+as there was no chance of my playing against Cambridge I got no end of
+sympathy, and nearly all the team told me that my absence weakened the
+side, though previously some of them had said the same thing about my
+presence.  My accident settled the question of who was to be the
+'Varsity back quite conveniently; it also made me give up all thoughts
+of my crusade, and gave me plenty of time to read.  I should not think
+anybody's collar-bone has ever been broken at such an opportune moment.
+Fred played against Cambridge, but our forwards were hopelessly beaten,
+and no one distinguished himself for us except Hogan, who lost two
+teeth and covered himself with glory.
+
+At the end of the Lent term both Fred and I got seconds in Moderations;
+mine was not a good second and Fred's was almost a first, so what would
+have happened if Fred had been smashed up instead of me is not worth
+inquiring, for there is no doubt that I did more work than he did.
+Murray got a first, which was what everybody expected; he was one of
+the few men I have ever seen who read logic because he liked it.
+
+I cannot say that Mr. Edwardes was very pleased about my second, for he
+had told me I should be lucky to get a third, and in my case I believe
+he would rather have been a truthful prophet than a moderately
+successful tutor.  When I asked him if I might read history for my
+final examinations he was doubtful if I was not seeking a degree by the
+least fatiguing way, but The Bradder was a history tutor, and although
+I had found out that he was a very strenuous man, I meant to work with
+him.  So after many warnings against idleness I was allowed to do as I
+wanted, and Mr. Edwardes got rid of me, which must have pleased him
+very much.  I do not think that any one else ever upset him so
+completely as I did, and I have never been able to find out why he
+disapproved of me to such an extent, unless it was that until I got
+accustomed to him I thought him funny, and when I think anybody or
+anything funny I have to laugh.  No one else laughed at Mr. Edwardes
+except me, and I should not have done so if I could have helped it, but
+an unintentionally comic don causes a lot of trouble.
+
+Mr. Grace, the senior history don in St. Cuthbert's, was more like a
+very benevolent parent than a tutor.  Perhaps he was rather old for his
+work, but he was so extraordinarily peaceful that you could not help
+liking him, and I had a vague feeling that he was my grandfather.  The
+change from Mr. Edwardes to him was like going to bed in a choppy sea
+and waking up in a punt on the Cherwell.  I can't explain the feeling I
+had for him, but he seemed to be surrounded by a homely atmosphere, and
+he reminded me of hot-water bottles and well-aired beds without making
+me feel stuffy.  You worked for him because it struck you as being
+hopelessly unfair to annoy him if you could help it.  He was a most
+pleasant old gentleman, and a very convenient tutor to have in a summer
+term.  The Bradder, however, to whom I had also to read essays, scoffed
+when I told him that I had two years and a term before my examinations,
+and generally speaking allowed me to see that he was going to stand no
+nonsense.  If he had been less of a sportsman I should have thought him
+more inconvenient, for I never found an excuse which he considered a
+reasonable one, and after I had done two very short essays for him he
+let me understand that I must do more work if I wanted him to be
+pleasant.
+
+"Look here, Marten, it won't do," he said to me when I had read my
+second essay to him, which even surprised me by its early closing.
+"This could not have taken you a quarter of an hour to write, and you
+have read it in five minutes."
+
+I had tried to lengthen my essay by stopping to discuss any point which
+might make him talk, but he knew all about that time-worn device, and
+had told me to finish reading before we discussed anything, and when I
+had finished there did not seem much to discuss.
+
+"It's the summer term, and I read very fast," I said, because he was
+waiting for me to say something.
+
+"Don't," he answered; "poor excuses are worse than none.  When I began
+to read history, I wrote telegrams instead of essays, and I tried to
+make my tutor talk so that he should fill up the time, just as you have
+done.  But I found out in a month that history is not a joke, and that
+my tutor was not a fool.  You have got to read seriously, whatever else
+you may do; we may as well understand each other from the start."
+
+I gathered up my essay slowly, for he had, as he spoke, scattered what
+there was of it over the table.
+
+"It would be better to use a note-book than any odd piece of paper that
+happens to come your way," he said, and added, "if you are slack about
+your work, you may end by being slack at other things."
+
+"So you have been talking to Mr. Edwardes about me," I said, and I was
+annoyed.
+
+"Perhaps it would be truer to say that Mr. Edwardes has been talking to
+me about you," he answered.  "You will probably like history very much
+if you will only give yourself a chance; don't think a fourth is any
+good to you--or me."
+
+"I'm only just through Mods," I replied, "you do go at a fearful rate."
+
+"You will have to be bustled until you get interested," he answered,
+"and I will bustle you all right, you can trust me to do that."
+
+I expect that The Bradder knew that I should not care about being
+bustled by him, and the result of his conversation with me was that he
+got a great deal of essay out of me with very little trouble to
+himself, though I thought that he was mistaken in making me start at
+such a furious pace, and I asked him, without any effect, if he had
+ever heard of men being overtrained.
+
+Although no one expected our eight to make any bumps, I think they
+astonished everybody by going down four places, and as we were being
+bumped by colleges which were generally in danger of being bottom of
+the river, a wholesome feeling spread over most of us that as a joke
+our rowing was nearly played out.  We began to talk about what we would
+do next year, but Jack Ward was so disgusted with everything that he
+suddenly determined that he had wasted nearly two years, and meant to
+make up for lost time by doing everything with all his might.
+
+I thought these terrific resolutions came from a row he had with
+Dennison about cards, a disagreeable row in which Dennison said such
+nasty things that had I been Jack, I should have picked him up and
+dropped him out of the window; but by some extraordinary means Jack
+kept his temper until he told him to shut up, and that ended the whole
+thing, for Dennison knew when it was wise to be silent.  I did not
+think much of Jack's resolutions, for he had been doing no work for
+such a long time and with such perfect success, that a complete change
+was more than I was able to grasp.  Every one in St. Cuthbert's was
+supposed to read for honours in some school or other, and Jack, having
+scrambled through pass "Mods," had for a year pretended to read law.  I
+never saw him doing it, but he had a most effective way of fooling
+dons, and, as far as his work was concerned, he never seemed to be
+worried.  When, however, he came to me three weeks before the end of
+the term, and told me he was going to give up law and read history, I
+thought he was seeking trouble.
+
+"You will have to work if you have anything to do with The Bradder," I
+told him.
+
+"For the last ten minutes I have been trying to make you understand
+that I want to work," he answered, but still I did not believe him.
+
+"All your law will be wasted," I said.
+
+"I don't know any, so that's all right."
+
+"But the dons won't let you change."
+
+"I can manage them; the history people won't want me, but the law
+people will be glad to get rid of me, I have sounded them already."
+
+"You will end by reading theology," I said.
+
+He gave a great laugh and said he didn't know where he should end, and
+that all he wanted to do was to work.  But he spoke of working as if it
+was a new sort of game, and I thought his desire to try it would vanish
+as quickly as it had come, so I was surprised when he tackled The
+Bradder, and persuaded him that history was the only subject in which
+he could ever take a decent class.  Without the consent of anybody, he
+stopped going to the lectures to which he was supposed to go, and came
+to my rooms at all hours of the day to borrow books and read them.
+Apparently he had become a kind of free-lance, having shaken off his
+old tutors and not having got any new ones, but he read through a short
+history of England three times in a week because he said he wanted a
+good solid ground-work to build upon.  Perhaps The Bradder asked that
+he might be left alone, for certainly no one bothered him and he
+bothered nobody with the exception of me.  I admit that I found him a
+very great nuisance, for I had been compelled to read during the last
+two terms, and I had not been smitten with any enthusiasm for an
+examination which was in the far distance.  In fact I wanted to slack,
+and I did not see why Jack should choose my rooms to work in.  The mere
+sight of him annoyed me; he took his coat off and turned up his
+shirt-sleeves to read, and whenever I made the slightest noise he told
+me to be quiet.  I impressed upon him most earnestly that he could go
+anywhere he liked or didn't like, but he had settled upon me, and
+nothing I did could make him go or lose his temper.  After a few days I
+got quite accustomed to him, and I believe that I should have missed
+him if he had not come to annoy me, but he showed no signs of
+slackening off, and I was watching for them every day.
+
+We were within a few days of the end of term before I believed that
+Jack had any serious intentions of changing his manner of living, and
+then he explained the whole thing to me.
+
+"I have worked for a solid fortnight," he said to me, "and if I can go
+on for a fortnight I can go on for two years.  I didn't want to explain
+anything until I knew whether it was any good, for I have never worked
+before in my life and I didn't know what it was like.  My father has
+suddenly got very sick with me, and says I have got to read or go down
+altogether; besides I am tired of doing nothing, and there are enough
+slackers in the college without me.  We have got to pull this place
+together somehow."  He threw himself into an arm-chair and picked up
+_The Ordeal of Richard Feverel_.  "George Meredith," he said, "I tried
+him once," and he shook his head.
+
+"Try him again."
+
+"I shan't have time, you are always coming out in unexpected places.  I
+should have thought you would have liked a good sporting novel, I can't
+understand Meredith."
+
+"The Bradder told me to read this."
+
+"The Bradder's an idiot; you be careful, or you'll write stuff which
+the examiners won't trouble to read.  An examiner doesn't like any
+other style except his own."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"I guess from the look of them, they must get so horribly tired; facts
+are what I mean to give them, piles of dates and things like that.
+Just let 'em know what I know at once and no rot about it."
+
+"You have got to write essays, not answer questions like a
+Sunday-school class," I said, and yawned.
+
+"The Bradder will have to teach me all about essays, but I am going to
+stick to plain English, no going round corners for me.  I mean to row
+next year, and I am going to be coached in the vac; if I don't get into
+the college eight next summer, I----"
+
+"Aren't you going to do a lot?" I interrupted him by asking.
+
+"I have always done a lot; hunting three times a week is a lot when you
+play footer and cards as well.  We will read after dinner for three
+hours."
+
+I yawned again, for I had had very little fun for some time, and I felt
+as if a little relaxation would do me good.  An Irish M.P. was coming
+to speak during that evening about the advantages of Home Rule, and
+although I thought Home Rule meant the disruption of the Empire and
+many other things, I wanted to hear what this man had to say, and to
+see if anything exciting happened.  The Bradder had told me that there
+was a good deal to be said in favour of Home Rule, but I put him down
+as a Radical and did not take any notice of him.  The first thing I can
+ever remember about politics was my father saying that Radicals talked
+nothing but nonsense, and that had remained with me and was mixed up
+with the things which I most truly believed.  The Bradder, however,
+made me think that Radicals were not bound to be hopeless persons.  I
+don't know how he did it, but I think it was by telling me that I was
+one at heart.  I never thought half so badly of them after that.
+
+But if what I must apologize for calling my politics were rather wobbly
+just then, ten thousand Bradders could not make me a Home Ruler, and
+had I not known that other things happen at political meetings in
+Oxford besides the ordinary programme, I might have been content to
+stay in college and go on being dull and peaceable.  As it was I
+thought that Jack and I had earned something in the way of excitement,
+and after a good deal of persuasion he started with me, but when we got
+to the meeting the place was packed with an audience which, from the
+noise, seemed to consist largely of undergraduates singing "Rule
+Britannia."  We talked eloquently to the men at the doors, without
+getting past them.  One of them told me that they had already admitted
+far too many of our kind, and then added that there was no room for
+anybody else whatever kind he might be, so we went over to Bunny
+Langham's rooms, which--for he was not living in college--were opposite
+the hall in which the M.P. was speaking.  There were more than
+half-a-dozen men in Bunny's rooms when we got to them, and I found out
+that he had been scattering invitations broadcast during the afternoon.
+A lot of other men came in soon afterwards, but nobody did anything
+more extraordinary than sing out of tune until the meeting had
+finished.  I was sitting by the window looking down on the people who
+had been in the hall, and nearly everybody had gone out of St.
+Aldgate's when Bunny came up to me and said he thought he should make a
+short speech.  He went away and came back with a horn, which he blew so
+lustily that in two or three minutes he had collected a small crowd in
+front of the house.
+
+"They are not enough," he said, and he blew on his horn until I should
+think fifty or sixty people were standing in the street.  Then he put
+his head out of the window and shouted, "Silence.  I will, if you will
+permit me, say a few words to you on burning questions of the day."
+The crowd was almost entirely made up of loafers from the town, and
+they received him with loud cries of approval.
+
+"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he began, and was told at once to speak
+up, and asked if his mother knew he was out and other ancient
+questions, which interrupted but did not discourage him.
+
+"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he repeated, "who have assembled in your
+thousands----"  His next words were drowned by a rude man, with a
+blatant voice, telling him that he was a blooming liar.
+
+"Fellow-citizens and burgesses of Oxford, who have assembled in your
+thousands to hear--" Bunny began once more, but the rude man shouted
+that he was not at a concert, and when he wanted to listen to the same
+thing over and over again he was not too shy to say so.
+
+"I shall have to ask you to remove that gentleman, he is mistaking me
+for one of his unfortunate family," Bunny shouted back, and was told to
+go on and not mind Tom Briggs.  It was not possible, however, for him
+to make himself heard, and instead of continuing his speech he and Tom
+Briggs talked to each other, until some one behind me threw a banana at
+Tom and knocked his hat off.  At the same moment I saw the proctor and
+his bull-dogs coming down the street, and in a minute we had turned out
+all the lights in the room and gone up-stairs.  There we stayed until
+we heard the proctor leave the house.
+
+"That's a bit of luck," said Jack, as we sat down again.
+
+"I can't make out what the deuce has happened," Bunny answered, "he
+must have spotted the house."
+
+"Perhaps he didn't want to catch us; after all we were not doing much,"
+some man, whose experience of proctors must have been limited, said.
+
+We got back to the room and heard a tremendous booing in the street,
+for the crowd, deprived of their fun, were letting the proctor know
+what they thought of him.
+
+"That's splendid," Bunny said, "it's a real score if he doesn't send
+for us in the morning.  If he does he will be sick to death with me,
+I've been progged three times already this term.  Pull the curtains and
+let's light up again."
+
+"It's about time we went," Jack said; "has the crowd gone?"
+
+I looked out of the window and told him there were only a few people
+left in the street, but just as we were going there was a knock at the
+door and a man came into the room.
+
+"Halloa, Marsden," Bunny said; "I am afraid we have been making rather
+a row in here, perhaps you put a towel round your head and went on
+reading.  Didn't you tell me you tied cloths over your ears when you
+wanted to be quiet?"
+
+"It's not much of a joke having rooms in the same house with you,"
+Marsden answered, and looked very solemn.
+
+"Don't say that," Bunny answered.  "Have a drink, I'm generally as
+quiet as a lamb."
+
+Marsden sat on the table and refused to drink.
+
+"It's no joke being in the same house with you," he said again, and
+began to laugh.
+
+"I'm not going to set fire to the place or blow it up," Bunny replied.
+
+"But the house becomes infested with proctors."
+
+"Did you see the 'proggins?'"
+
+"He came into my room and progged both Carslake and me.  He said we
+were disturbing the peace of the town."
+
+"He didn't, did he?" Bunny exclaimed, and then went off into such fits
+of laughter that for some time he could do nothing but cough and choke.
+
+"He couldn't have chosen a funnier man.  A sneeze is about the biggest
+row you have ever made in your life.  Didn't you tell him you had
+nothing to do with the rag?" he asked at last.
+
+"I left you to do that; he wouldn't listen to me, he seemed to be in a
+hurry to get it over," Marsden said.
+
+"Was he Carter of Queen's, or the other man?"
+
+"Carter."
+
+"I'll be at Queen's at nine o'clock to-morrow, so you and Carslake
+needn't bother to go; Carter knows me.  I am awfully sorry he has been
+shoving himself into your rooms; the worst of this place is, there is
+no privacy, Carter just goes where he pleases," and Bunny rang the bell
+and told his servant that he wanted a hansom in the morning at ten
+minutes to nine.  There were only a few of us left in his rooms, but
+every one said they would be at Queen's to meet him, though he told us
+not to make fools of ourselves.  "I asked Carter the last time I went
+to him to let me off a shilling because he had kept my cab waiting, and
+he fined me double for impertinence.  I should think this would cost
+about two pounds, and I've got about thirty sixpences up-stairs, he
+shall have all those," he continued.  "I'll have some fun for my money,
+so you fellows had better let me see it through by myself, I made the
+speech and blew the horn," but as we had all been in the affair we
+couldn't back out of it because we had been caught.
+
+I walked as far as St. Cuthbert's with a New College man, who thought
+we should have to pay more than two pounds.  "Carter will be so
+precious sick at being hooted in the street, we shan't get off under a
+fiver each," he said, and when I got back to college I went up to
+Jack's rooms to wait and see what he thought we should have to pay.
+
+I was nearly asleep when Jack came in.
+
+"Phillips says we shall have to pay a fiver each, what do you think?" I
+said, without turning round, and instead of answering me Jack went
+straight into his bedder and seemed to be washing himself vigorously.
+
+"What are you doing?" I shouted, but Jack went on washing, so I shut up
+asking questions.
+
+In a few minutes he came back into the room, and stood in front of me
+with a candle held up in front of his face.  His lips were swollen, and
+there was a great cut, which kept on bleeding, over his right eyebrow.
+
+"I look nice, don't I?" he said.  "I've had a fight with a man who told
+me that his name was Briggs."
+
+By degrees I got the whole tale out of him, but it is no fun trying to
+talk when a great coal-heaving man has hit you in the mouth with his
+fist.  Jack had come home by himself, and as he was turning out of the
+High by B.N.C. Tom Briggs, who had followed him all the way, charged
+into him.  Then there was a little conversation, and Briggs called Jack
+something especially horrid, and gave him a shove at the same time, so
+Jack hit him on the nose.  After this there was a rough-and-tumble,
+until that most inquisitive man Carter and his bull-dogs came up and
+caught Jack.  What happened to Briggs he did not know.
+
+"You mustn't tell Carter that you were at Bunny's," I said, after I had
+blamed myself, until Jack was tired, for having persuaded him to start
+to that wretched meeting.
+
+"That's a trifle compared with this," he answered, and he was right.
+
+There was a huge row, and it ended in Jack being sent down for the rest
+of the term.  A man, who had been lurking about somewhere, said that he
+saw Jack hit Briggs first, which was true as far as it went, but hard
+luck on Jack all the same.
+
+Bunny wanted to have a procession to the station when Jack went away,
+but he absolutely refused to have any fuss whatever, and altogether
+took his luck like a sportsman.
+
+If I had only waited for him, or never bothered him to go out at all,
+this would never have happened, and tired as I have often been of
+myself, I do not think I have ever felt more utterly wretched than I
+was during the last few days of that term when I, who ought really to
+have been in Jack's place, was still in Oxford, and Jack was with his
+very angry people.
+
+I went to the Warden and told him that Jack would never have gone out
+of college that night if it hadn't been for me, but all he said was
+that the Proctor had taken a serious view of the case, and he would not
+have anybody in the college brawling in the streets.  I also wrote to
+Jack's people and told them that the whole thing was my fault, but his
+father's answer was very short and disagreeable; he had entirely lost
+his temper.
+
+Dennison and his friends made the most of this misfortune, and I
+suppose it was natural that they should think it a comical finish to
+Jack's attempts at working.  For the rest of the term I did not care
+what happened to anybody or anything.  I was thoroughly sick with my
+luck, and when you are born with a faculty for disobeying rules and
+offending authorities and have trampled upon your inclinations for a
+long year without any result except disaster, it is enough to make you
+think that fighting Nature is a perfectly absurd thing to do.  It was
+very fortunate that the term was nearly over, for I had a mad idea that
+the best way to make up to Jack for getting him sent down was to get
+sent down myself; but The Bradder, who knew how foolish I could be,
+nipped my demonstrations in the bud, and gave me some of the
+straightest advice I have ever listened to.  He was very rude indeed.
+One of the few good things about this term was that Fred batted
+splendidly, he was not successful afterwards against Cambridge, but we
+had every reason for thinking that they were an exceptionally strong
+eleven.  I bowled faster than ever, and a little straighter than the
+year before; I was said to be the fastest bowler at Oxford, and I heard
+two men saying in Vincent's that their idea of bliss was my bowling on
+a good wicket.  But when I lowered a newspaper and showed myself they
+pretended that it was a joke.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER
+
+Of all penalties, sending a man down from the 'Varsity for a short time
+seems to me the most unfair.  For some people treat the culprit as if
+he was almost a criminal, while others are glad to see him and aren't
+in the least annoyed.  Had I been sent down from Oxford I am sure my
+father would have stormed and told me that I was going to that
+universal rubbish-heap, called "The dogs," while my mother would have
+been very hurt and very kind; but I know one man who went home
+unexpectedly and was told by his father that if he had not been sent
+down he would have missed the best "shoot" of the year.  In some cases
+the penalty is nothing, and in other cases it is far too heavy.
+
+From the little I knew of Jack's people I did not expect that they
+would be as unpleasant as they were, for as far as I could see he had
+not done anything which was much of a disgrace to anybody.
+Unfortunately, however, he went home at an unlucky moment, for his
+father was mixed up with the Stock Exchange, and there was a slump or
+something equally disagreeable in the City.  Jack wrote to me: "I have
+often seen my father in a bad temper, but I have never seen him keep it
+up for so long before.  There is a large bear syndicate formed in the
+City, and my father is a bull, and fumes like one.  I am very useful if
+he would only see it, because he can work his rage off on me, and that
+is a great relief to everybody else.  But it is no use thinking of what
+is to happen next; he has told me that I am going to start to Canada in
+a month, and Australia in a fortnight, but wherever I go I am to have
+only £10 besides my passage-money--he does the thing thoroughly.  The
+last scheme, announced at breakfast this morning, is that I am going to
+Greece, to a quarry which has something to do with either marble or
+cement; I didn't listen much, because I shall probably be booked for
+Siberia before night.  Anywhere but back to Oxford is really his idea,
+and the more often he changes the place the better.  Meanwhile I flaunt
+history books before him.  I left _Taswell Langmead_ on the lawn,
+because it is the fattest book I have got, and it looks so like one of
+the Stock Exchange books that I knew he would look at it.  He did and
+growled, but he put it back on the chair, which rather surprised me,
+for I expected him to launch forth on the uselessness of me reading
+such things.  If I sit tight for a bit and don't get ready to go
+anywhere, perhaps I shall get back to Oxford after all."
+
+I knew nothing about the Stock Exchange, but I sympathized very much
+with any one who had to live in the same house with a fuming bull.
+Even Fred agreed with me that Jack was being treated unfairly, and he
+never spoke about him at all if he could help it.  When Jack and he had
+met during the last year at Oxford, as they had often, they were so
+astonishingly polite to each other that had I not known the reason I
+should have been very amused, but as it was, I thought they were making
+a great fuss about something quite unimportant.
+
+To pretend not to notice a thing which is as clear as daylight is not a
+part which I can play with any comfort, so Jack and Fred fidgeted me
+terribly, but they had got some idea firmly fixed in their heads, with
+which I was wise enough not to meddle.  They were both such friends of
+mine that I hoped they would see as quickly as possible that there was
+something very humorous in the way they treated each other.
+
+Owen took a first in his final schools, and as soon as the list was out
+he wrote to me and said that he hoped to come up for a fifth year to
+read for a first in History.  This, I thought, was tempting Providence,
+for he had already got two firsts, and he seemed to me to be collecting
+them as I had once collected birds' eggs.  He decided, however, to give
+up his plan, and accepted a mastership at a school in Scotland.  I must
+say that I was relieved at this, for I intended to take two more years
+before my examinations, and if he had got a first in one year I am sure
+that I should have heard a very great deal about him, when my father
+felt unwell or wished to make me feel uncomfortable.
+
+I spent most of my second summer vac in France, partly because my
+mother was not well, and also because an old scheme for improving my
+French had been revived.  When Fred and I had gone to Oxford there had
+been some idea of us trying for the Indian Civil Service, but for
+various reasons this was abandoned, and although Fred had determined
+that he would go back to Cliborough as a master if he could manage it,
+I had drifted through two years without having made up my mind what was
+to happen to me when I got my degree.  The Bishop wanted me to be a
+clergyman, my mother thought that if Fred was going to be a
+school-master there was no reason why I should not be one, and although
+my father did not say anything he was not the man to see me finish my
+time at Oxford and then sit down to wait for some employment to turn
+up.  It was really no use for me to decide what I should do, for unless
+I showed an especial craving for some profession I knew that he would
+settle everything, and as I had two years before me I thought that
+there was no particular hurry, which is, I suppose, the dangerous state
+of mind of many undergraduates.
+
+I did not understand that my father's wish for me to talk French was
+part of any definite scheme, and for the life of me I cannot make out
+why he settled upon my profession and told me nothing about it, but I
+suppose that unless I ever become a parent there are some things which
+will puzzle me all my life.
+
+"One of the reasons the English are hated on the Continent is because
+they can only speak their own language, and when they are not
+understood they shout," he said to me, and I am afraid I did not care
+much what the English were thought of on the Continent; at any rate I
+did not see what I could do to make them more popular.  "I intend that
+you shall at least be able to speak French properly," he went on; "you
+are not going to stay with us at the hotel, but live with a French
+family about three miles out of the town."
+
+I detested the idea and had to submit to it, but I acknowledge that I
+enjoyed my visit to France, though I was told that I spent too much
+time at the hotel.  The fact was that my family lived three miles up
+hill from the town, and on a bicycle I could reach the sea or my people
+in a few minutes, but after I had bathed I had to think a lot before I
+started back.  I was arrested twice, once for riding furiously and also
+for not having my name on my bicycle, accidents which my father assured
+me would never have happened had I been able to talk French fluently,
+though it was absolutely impossible that I could under any
+circumstances or in any language have talked as fluently as the
+policeman who stopped me.  My French family were very nice to me, and
+we got on splendidly together after they discovered that I did not mind
+them laughing at my pronunciation.  After two months, during which I
+had attacked the language vigorously, Nina came from Paris to join us.
+I expected that she would find my accent amusing, but I made a mistake.
+What my mother had once mentioned to me as her awkward age had been
+lived through, and after a few days I began to wonder why I had ever
+found it easy to be irritated with her.  If things go well I generally
+have an attack of thinking them perfect, but all the same Nina and I
+became better friends than we had been since I had left school, and we
+were together so often that nothing but a promise to talk French to her
+prevented my people from forbidding me to come near the hotel.
+
+On Saturday afternoons, however, I stipulated that I should do and talk
+what I pleased, but unless I went to the Casino there was not much to
+do on my first holiday after Nina had arrived; so I persuaded her to
+come to a concert, have tea on the terrace, and then watch the "petits
+chevaux."  She was ready to do anything, but my mother detested any
+kind of gambling, and begged me not to take her into the room in which
+the tables were.  I could have imagined the time when to be told that
+something was not good for her was the surest way to make Nina want it,
+but now she said at once that she would much rather sit on the terrace
+than stay in a room with a crowd of people, and after tea I left her
+for a few minutes while I went for a walk through the rooms.  There was
+a crowd round each table, and not being able to see anything I was
+going back to Nina at once when I felt some one touch me on the arm.  I
+turned round quickly for I suspected that my pocket was being picked,
+though that would not have caused me any serious inconvenience, and
+before I could remember what I ought not to say I had exclaimed "Good
+Heavens," but if people will turn up in utterly unlikely places they
+ought not to be too critical of the way in which they are greeted.  I
+should as soon have expected to see Mr. Edwardes at a Covent Garden
+Ball as the Warden in a French Casino, and I had an intense and
+immediate desire to ask him what he was doing there.  I suppressed it,
+however, and only shook him so violently by the hand that he winced
+perceptibly.
+
+"I have been guilty of watching your movements for the last four
+minutes," he said, as we walked towards the door leading to the
+terrace.  "I observed you as you entered this chamber of horrors, and I
+was afraid that you were about to give an exhibition of your
+generosity."
+
+"Did you think I was going to play?" I asked.
+
+"Yes, if that is the right expression for an act of madness.  There
+are, if I have observed exactly, eight chances against you, and the
+fool, for believe me he is a fool, who is fortunate enough to win is
+paid seven times his stake.  The man who tries to make money in that
+way must be generous and a fool."
+
+"The bank must win to pay for the croupiers and keep the place going,"
+I said.
+
+"In my opinion there is no acute necessity for the place to be kept
+going, as you express it.  I entertain a hope that if you have ever
+taken part in that orgie, at which every one with the exception of the
+croupiers looks greedy and hungry, that you will in the future abstain
+from it.  Gambling is the meanest of all vices," he said slowly, and he
+tapped my arm seven times.
+
+He did not seem to be going anywhere in particular, and as I cannot
+bear anybody tapping at me, I thought Nina might help to calm him.  So
+I walked down the terrace and introduced her to him suddenly, for he
+had a reputation for bolting from strange ladies, and I thought it best
+to leave nothing to chance.  But as soon as he saw Nina the cloud
+disappeared from his face, and his aggressively moral mood changed.  In
+fact I distinctly heard him say "delightful," though I am sure that he
+did not intend his remark to be audible.  He inspected Nina as if she
+was for sale or on show, but he so clearly approved of her that she did
+not seem to mind him.
+
+"Won't you sit down?" she said.
+
+"Only on one condition," he answered.
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"That you tell me the name of your dressmaker," but before Nina could
+speak he had settled himself beside her, and continued: "You are not
+only successful in being cool but also in looking cool; now I have ten
+nieces, delightful girls, but they cannot take exercise without
+rivalling the colour of a peony.  They look what I can only describe to
+you as full-blown."
+
+"But I have not been taking exercise," Nina said.
+
+"That, I suppose, is true," he replied, and forgot promptly what he had
+been talking about.
+
+After a minute's silence his head began to sink forward, and I was
+afraid he was beginning to think hard or go to sleep, so I told Nina
+that it was time for us to go back to the hotel; for much as I liked
+the Warden I had no wish to watch over him while he slept on the
+Terrace of the Casino, and I thought that he might expect to find me
+there when he woke up.  Nina held out her hand to wish him good-bye,
+but he said that he was coming with us, and while we were walking to
+the hotel I left him to her, for I was debating whether I had better
+ask him to meet my father and mother or not.  I knew that he had
+offended a great many people who had come to see him in Oxford about
+their sons, and he was reported to have said that the greatest
+difficulty in dealing with undergraduates was the parent difficulty.
+"If I was dictator of Oxford it should be a city of refuge for young
+men, and no father or mother should be allowed to enter it during
+twenty-four weeks of the year," was one of the things he was supposed
+to have said, and if my father happened to get him upon that subject I
+foresaw trouble.
+
+But the question settled itself, for my mother was sitting on the
+verandah in front of the hotel and came down the garden to meet us.  I
+had heard the Warden chuckle three times as we had walked up the road,
+and though I could not imagine how Nina was amusing him, I thanked
+goodness that he seemed to be thinking about ordinary things.
+
+"I have the pleasure of knowing your brother," he said as soon as he
+was introduced; "he and I disagree upon every subject I have ever had
+the privilege of discussing with him."
+
+"I do not think my brother would ever discuss a subject with any one
+whom he expected to agree with.  It would be hardly worth while," my
+mother answered, and the Warden looked at her quickly.
+
+"Surely the benefit arising from a discussion does not depend wholly,
+or I may say chiefly, from disagreement upon the subject discussed.  A
+Cabinet Council, for instance, may conceivably arrive at a satisfactory
+and at the same time an unanimous conclusion."
+
+"My brother would not call that a discussion," my mother answered
+shortly, and the Warden said "Ah," which meant, I believe, that however
+the Bishop defined the word discussion, it was useless to discuss
+anything with ladies.
+
+"You will have some tea?" my mother said, as soon as we had reached the
+verandah.
+
+"You will excuse me, my absence from the hotel at which I have taken a
+room for to-night, has already been too prolonged.  You drink tea in
+France, madam?"
+
+"We brought our tea with us."
+
+"Admirable foresight, but it remains for you to see the water boiling,"
+and then as if he knew that he had hurt my mother's feelings and wished
+to make some recompense, he continued, "The Bishop, madam, is a man for
+whom I have a most sympathetic regard, neither politics nor pageants
+divert him from the work he has pledged himself to do; I know of no man
+more fitted to be a Bishop."
+
+My mother bowed slightly, and said nothing, and really it was not easy
+to guess from the Warden's tone whether he considered any man fit to be
+a Bishop.
+
+"We think differently on many subjects, and on one, I may say, I think
+with perfect truth, we have differed so widely that a little less
+self-restraint on the one side or on the other would have brought us to
+the verge of a very vulgar quarrel.  The Bishop preaches what is called
+Humanity, he practises Humanity, he would have a manufactory--which he
+would manage on a profit-sharing system--for Humanity pills, and make
+every young man in Oxford swallow two of them every morning.  But there
+is another meaning to the word Humanity which has been lost sight of in
+this age of upheaval, it is 'classical learning.'  Oxford has a duty to
+perform; it has something to teach in addition to the development of
+kindly feelings which must be taught at the mother's knee, and grow
+naturally if they are ever to be effective.  We are attacked at Oxford
+by many kinds of outside influence, and you know enough of young men,
+madam, to realize that there is no influence which appeals to them so
+strongly as that which is outside, what I must call, constituted
+authority.  The Bishop, in short, if I judge him with accuracy, thinks
+that Oxford is the finest playground for the East-end of London which
+can be imagined by the wit of man.  On this point I disagree with him
+entirely, not from any dislike to the people of the East-end, but from
+a profound conviction that young men in Oxford, if they are to do their
+work with success, have already more than enough to occupy their minds."
+
+He leaned forward in his chair and looked hard at me; he did not
+apparently expect any answer to his oration, but he had touched on a
+subject which was near my mother's heart, and I felt so uneasy that I
+moved from my seat and leaned against one of the posts of the verandah.
+
+"Don't you exaggerate what my brother wants?" my mother asked.  "He
+knows too well the value of time to wish to waste that of anybody, and
+he loves Oxford."
+
+"Too well," the Warden jerked out, as if he was an automatic
+arrangement and some one had touched a spring.
+
+"I don't think any one could love Oxford too well, and I should be
+sorry if Godfrey did not learn something from his life there which
+could help him to sympathize with other people."
+
+I knew that I was bound to be pulled in sooner or later, and I thought
+of disappearing behind my post and of leaving the Warden to say what he
+liked.
+
+"The sympathies of your son are already as wide as those of a Charity
+Organization Society, and, I venture to say, as misdirected," the
+Warden returned, and seemed to have forgotten that I was standing in
+front of him, but if he was going to say things about me I decided to
+stay and hear them.  "I find him the most pleasant companion, he has
+the gift of silence--Meredith wrote--'Who cannot talk!--but who
+can?'--he is also amusing, always unconsciously.  I have great hopes
+that he may become a man who will not waste his youth in vain struggles
+with a ball.  Had I the power I would banish all balls from England for
+one short year, the experiment would be entertaining."
+
+"It would result in a national dyspepsia," my mother said, laughing.
+
+"Godfrey would play catch with an orange," Nina remarked.
+
+The Warden looked up and saw me.  "An orange bursts," he said.  "I must
+return to my hotel.  Would you find me a conveyance, one with a
+coachman as unlike a furious driver as possible?" he asked, and as Nina
+came with me he was left alone with my mother.  I don't know what he
+said during those few minutes, but when we got back I found my mother
+smiling placidly, though when I had gone away I was certain that she
+disapproved of the Warden most thoroughly.
+
+"The Warden wishes you to dine with him to-night," she said to me, and
+without waiting for me to reply she went on to say how sorry my father
+would be to miss him.  The Warden began to express regrets at my
+father's absence, but forgot what he was talking about in the middle of
+his sentence, and finished up by telling the driver to go very slowly.
+As he stepped into the vehicle I had found for him, he expressed a
+fervent hope that it was more robust than it appeared to be.
+
+"What a funny old man!" Nina exclaimed as soon as he had gone, "and
+what nonsense he talks.  He is a dear, but he does look odd!"
+
+"He looks like a gentleman, and is one," my mother replied.
+
+"You didn't like him at first," I said to her.
+
+"I thought he spoke slightingly of your uncle and that he meant all he
+said, which of course was stupid of me.  He was delightful after you
+had gone, and talked most kindly and sensibly about you, I wish your
+father could have heard him."
+
+But my father had gone to Rouen and was not coming back until ten
+o'clock, and I am not sure that he would have liked the Warden, so
+perhaps it was as well that they did not meet.
+
+My dinner was wearisome, for Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, was
+with him, and she talked while I listened.  I am sorry to say she was
+in a very bad temper, and it seemed that the naughty Warden had kept
+her waiting for two hours during the afternoon.  She was by no means in
+love with France, and though I tried to soothe her I only succeeded in
+making her sarcastic; I thought the Warden ought to have protected me,
+but he had known his sister longer than I had, and probably had
+forgotten that she could make any one suffer.  He took no part in the
+conversation, and most obviously did not listen to it.  My mother was
+disappointed when I told her about the dinner, but I think that she had
+expected the Warden to give me advice as well as a meal.  She had
+formed the highest opinion of him, and said that he was so wise that he
+was the only man she knew who could afford to say foolish things.  But
+when my father heard that the foolish things were said about the Bishop
+he did not believe in the folly of them, for he could not forget that
+my uncle had once played stump cricket for three hours at a stretch.
+
+When the time came for us to go back to England I could talk French
+without putting in one or two English words to fill up every sentence,
+but I did not think that Dover Station was the place in which to be
+told that I must not be satisfied until I could think in French--though
+what the station at Dover is the proper place for, I leave to people
+who are cleverer than I am.  I was so glad to get home again that the
+idea of thinking in French was quite comical.  My father and I were
+going to shoot together, and when he is shooting he forgets all the
+little grievances with which he has riddled his life and he is--though
+it makes me blush to confess it--the best companion in the world.  If
+he could only shoot all the year round I believe that Ritualists and
+Radicals would lose their powers of annoying him, and he might even end
+by admitting that our long-suffering cook makes curry which is fit to
+eat, and no more generous admission than that could be expected from an
+Anglo-Indian.
+
+For nearly three weeks we lived in a state of peace and contentment
+which none of us thought dull, but during the first week of October I
+had a letter from The Bradder in which he said that he was on a walking
+tour and should be passing near our house.  There was only one answer
+for me to give, but I gave it reluctantly, for though I liked him I
+thought that if he and my father once started upon politics our calm
+season would be interrupted abruptly.
+
+"Does he shoot?" my father asked, and I said that as he was walking for
+amusement he would probably only stay a few hours.  "We can't treat him
+like that; tell him to stay a week and send for his gun.  For the
+matter of that he can have one of mine.  I don't expect he will be able
+to hit a haystack," was his reply.
+
+So I wrote again, and to my surprise The Bradder accepted the
+invitation and appeared a few days afterwards with no marks of the
+tourist upon him; for there is no mistaking people who are on walking
+tours, their anxiety to get on stamps itself upon their faces, and
+their luggage is generally on their backs or in their pockets.  He told
+us that his companion had broken down three days before, and that he
+had been back to Oxford to get his gun.  I never remember having seen
+anybody who looked quite so fit as he did, and my father, who had a
+kind of general impression that every tutor in Oxford was anaemic,
+seemed to be thoroughly pleased with him.  Thus I was lulled into a
+false state of security, for I had intended to warn The Bradder not to
+speak of politics while he was with us, but as every one took a fancy
+to him at sight I thought that I need not trouble to say anything.
+
+There was a lot of speculation about The Bradder's shooting, he shot
+whenever he got the ghost of a chance, but he added more to the noise
+than to the number of the bag.  He tried to persuade my father before
+he started that he was the worst shot in the world, but he was not
+believed until he had proved that he had spoken the truth.  He was,
+however, much happier in a bad than in a good place, and he seemed to
+be perfectly pleased as long as he could see an occasional bird to
+shoot at.  My father said that he was a good sportsman, though had he
+not liked him he would have called him a rank bad shot.
+
+Two days passed by successfully, and then The Bradder discovered that
+there was an old abbey near us, and arranged with Nina to go over and
+see it.  Why in the world any one should want to see an abbey when he
+could shoot at pheasants, was more than my father could understand.
+
+"The abbey will be here the next time you come, let it wait," he said
+at breakfast.
+
+"I should like to see it," The Bradder replied; "besides, I never kill
+anything."
+
+"You needn't bother about that."
+
+"I have promised Miss Marten to go, she said she would drive me over,"
+he replied, and any one could see that he didn't mean to shoot.
+
+"As you like," my father said, and told me to be ready in ten minutes,
+though we were not going to start for an hour.
+
+On the top of this we had a very disappointing day, and finished up by
+getting wet through, so at dinner there were many more danger signals
+flying than were usual in the shooting season.  The Bradder, however,
+did not notice them, or if he did he thought them ridiculous, and he
+amused my mother and Nina very much, which under the circumstances was
+a grievous offence.  I found myself in the position of trying to catch
+my tutor's eye, so that I could warn him to be careful with my father,
+and although I realized the comedy of the position I did not appreciate
+it.  To make matters worse The Bradder would not drink any port, and as
+it was a wine of which my father was proud, he had to say that he never
+drank any wine at all before his refusal was accepted.  Teetotalism in
+the abstract was a thing which I was encouraged to believe in, but
+teetotalers, who did not know when to make an exception to general
+rules, were not approved of at our table when '63 port was before them.
+Everything seemed to be going most hopelessly wrong, and I was so
+anxious to get into the drawing-room that I made several exceedingly
+fatuous remarks.
+
+"You talk like a Radical," my father said in answer to one of them;
+"you want this changed and that changed, you had better go up to Hyde
+Park and take a tub with you, if you want to talk nonsense."
+
+"I probably shouldn't get two people to listen to me," I replied.
+
+"Strahan told me yesterday," he went on, "that they are teaching a lot
+of this Radical tomfoolery in Oxford now; he says his son has come home
+stuffed with it, thinks agricultural labourers are underpaid and all
+the rest.  Is it true, Bradfield?"
+
+"I should not say that the feeling at Oxford is as out-and-out Tory as
+it was, but the young Radical is often a very ridiculous man," The
+Bradder replied, and took a pear off the dish in front of him and began
+to peel it.
+
+"Always," my father said.
+
+"Not always; he may conceivably be very sane indeed."
+
+"Never."
+
+The Bradder was quite willing to let the subject drop, but his pear was
+a mistake and prevented me from suggesting that we should go.
+
+"You sympathize with this Radical feeling?" my father asked him.
+
+"To some extent I share it."
+
+"I can't believe it, I really can't--why, the Radicals want to ruin the
+army, spend no money on the navy, make magistrates of Tom, Dick, and
+Harry, and top everything by letting Ireland do what it likes.  They
+are a dangerous crew."
+
+"I am not a Home-Ruler, though every one must admit that our way of
+managing Ireland up to the present has not been fortunate."
+
+"But you wouldn't try experiments with a volcano?"
+
+"I would try any experiment with Ireland which it wants, and which I
+did not think dangerous," The Bradder said, and he seemed to be wholly
+occupied in trying to say as little as possible without appearing to be
+ashamed or afraid of his opinions.
+
+"So you are a Radical, but not a Home-Ruler.  Well, from the look of
+you, I should never have thought it.  You can go if you like, Godfrey;
+I should be glad to talk to Mr. Bradfield for a few minutes; he is the
+first Radical I have ever liked," and he smiled at The Bradder,
+anticipating triumph.
+
+I did not go, and I am glad that I stayed, for both of them had to
+fight hard to keep their tempers, and their struggles fascinated me.
+From the beginning The Bradder made up his mind to treat the duel
+lightly, but my father pressed him hard, and occasionally provoked a
+retort which flashed.  For more than an hour they talked, and indignant
+servants, showing heads of expostulation, had to go away unnoticed.
+But The Bradder met explosions with what my father called afterwards
+rank obstinacy, and the man who explodes is naturally angry if he
+cannot get some one to explode back at him.
+
+"The Warden, from what I have heard of him, would not approve of your
+opinions," my father said at last.
+
+"He does not meddle with our politics," The Bradder answered.
+
+"He's a wise man," my father returned, and The Bradder laughed.
+
+"The Warden talks about politicians as if they were an army of
+tuft-hunters, hunting for tufts which they will never find.  He refuses
+to speak seriously about politics."
+
+"The habit of being amused at our failures or cynical about them is
+becoming too common."
+
+I could not help smiling at the quickness with which the Warden had
+been toppled off his seat of wisdom, and my father pushed his chair
+back impatiently.
+
+"The Warden is, I believe, a strong Tory, and reserves his contempt for
+what he calls 'modern politicians.'"
+
+"I said he was a wise man," my father replied, and the Warden was
+reinstated.
+
+"He is certainly," The Bradder answered, as we went into the
+drawing-room.
+
+During the next day I heard from Nina that The Bradder had been
+denounced as a very dangerous man, all the more dangerous because he
+was so attractive.
+
+"Father wants him to go," she said.
+
+"He will have to go soon, because term begins in a few days," I
+answered.
+
+"But why shouldn't a man be a Liberal if he wants to be?  We are about
+a hundred years behind the times down here."
+
+"And had better stay there if we want peace," I added.
+
+"Are you a Liberal?"
+
+"Goodness knows."
+
+"I like a man who knows what he is."
+
+"You mean you like The Bradder; why not say so?"
+
+"Because I meant nothing of the kind.  We are going to walk over to
+Chipping Norbury, if you will come with us."
+
+"I can't.  I have promised to call on Mrs. Faulkner, who won't see me."
+
+"Mrs. Faulkner has been rude to mother, and has behaved very
+foolishly," Nina said, in a way which she considered impressive and I
+thought humorous.
+
+So The Bradder and Nina went to Chipping Norbury without me, and he
+stayed for three more days, by which time even my father did not want
+him to go, though he talked to my mother about him as one of those
+misguided young men who want England to stand on its head just to see
+what it would look like.
+
+I found out afterwards that The Bradder described my father to some one
+as a mixture of cayenne pepper and kindness, and, since there was no
+harm in it, I passed it on.
+
+"I won't have people making up these things about me," he said, but he
+chuckled, and I am sure he liked the cayenne pepper part of the mixture.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+THE HEDONISTS
+
+Fred Foster's people came back from India during the summer, and he
+spent all the vac with them, though I tried to make him come to us for
+the shooting.  He had, however, got an idea that Nina did not want him,
+and nothing I could do was successful in removing it.  I told him that
+Nina had been greatly improved by Paris; I did not like the expression,
+but I did not see why he should think it ridiculous.  Still, if he
+meant to be obstinate it was no use wasting time in writing letters at
+which he gibed, so I left him alone.
+
+Jack Ward managed to appease his father, and having done it he set out
+on a campaign which for thoroughness beat anything I have ever
+discovered.  He went off at the end of July to stay with a tutor who
+coached him in history and rowing, and he stayed with him until the
+Oxford term began.  The tutor was a rowing blue who did not, from
+Jack's account of him, mind how little work his pupils did as long as
+they were ready to go on the river, but Jack assured me that he had
+read for four or five hours every day.  To start with a history coach
+two years before his schools struck me as being magnificent, but Jack
+would not hear a word against his way of spending the vac.
+
+"He may not know much history," he said to me when we got back to
+Oxford, "but he's a rare good sort, and he says I'm a natural oar.
+Besides, he's a sportsman."
+
+"What's that?" I asked, for I used the word "sportsman" to mean so many
+things.
+
+"He doesn't bother people; you can play cards if you like, and he has a
+billiard table.  He is a nailer at cork pool."
+
+"Is he?" I said, and asked no more about him, for I have a horror of
+nailers at any sort of pool, having once been hopelessly fleeced by
+some of them.
+
+"I won a pot," Jack went on gaily, "in the scratch fours at Wallhead
+regatta--I rowed in two regattas.  Not so bad; and now I've got to go
+down to the river every day and be coached by men who don't know the
+difference between an oar and a barge pole.  Well, it's all part of the
+game."
+
+"What's the game?" I asked.
+
+"Look here, Godfrey, something's happened to you.  You've gone stupid;
+it's _your_ game.  To buck St. Cuthbert's up, get rid of these
+confounded slackers, squash them flat, and we are going to do it, you
+see if we don't.  Dennison was drunk last night or pretended to be, and
+he and his gang invaded a lot of freshers and then asked them all to
+breakfast.  That crowd are no more use to a college than a headache.
+Fancy coming to Oxford to be ragged by Dennison!"
+
+"It does seem rather futile."
+
+"Futile!" Jack exclaimed scornfully, and then proceeded to say what he
+called it; "but if you have given up caring what happens I shall chuck
+up the whole thing," he concluded.
+
+"I have not given up caring, but I have tried once and got laughed at
+for my trouble.  I don't believe you can squash men like Dennison when
+they once get into a college; they are like black beetles, and you
+can't get rid of them unless you kill them."
+
+"We can try," Jack said.
+
+"I tried, and most men thought me a fool.  The only thing to do is to
+leave them alone; but the worst of it is that we can't help meeting
+Dennison at dinners and things.  He smiled on me the other day as if I
+was his best friend."
+
+"He didn't smile at me."
+
+"I think he hates you; I can't get properly hated, when I try to show
+Dennison I loathe him he smiles.  There's something wrong with me
+somewhere."
+
+"You are too rottenly good-natured."
+
+"I never thought of that," I said.
+
+"That's it," Jack declared; "I saw Lambert hitting you on the back in
+the quad this morning."
+
+"I told him that if he did it again I should throw Stubbs' Charters at
+his head," I replied in self-defence.
+
+"But, don't you see, Lambert would never hit me on the back.  He is one
+of the most gorgeous slopers we have got, and twangs his banjo for
+Dennison to sing what they call erotic ballads.  You've not got enough
+dignity."
+
+"Steady on," I said, for with too much of one thing and not enough of
+another I was beginning to think that it was about time for him to
+discover something of which I had the proper amount.
+
+"Don't get angry," he returned, "I only meant to explain why your shot
+to buck the college up failed.  You're too popular, that's it."
+
+I spoke plainly to him.
+
+"It's no use talking like that," he went on; "say you'll help me, and
+we'll have a go at squashing this ragging lot.  It wouldn't matter so
+much if they could do anything decently, but they are the very men who
+ought to go and bury themselves because they won't try to do anything.
+Let us do something first and then have a good wholesome rag, but for
+heaven's sake let us shut up until we have done it."
+
+Jack had only just left my rooms when, as if to prove what he had said,
+Lambert strolled in and asked me if I would let him have lunch with me.
+My table-cloth was laid and I couldn't tell him that I was lunching
+out, so I told him that Murray was coming.  He replied that he liked
+Murray, and since that had failed I said that I was going to play
+footer and had very little time, but he answered that he would not be
+able to stay for more than half-an-hour.  Meals with Lambert were apt
+to get less simple as they went on, for he had a habit of saying that
+he wanted nothing and then of demanding port with his cheese and
+liqueurs to save him from indigestion, but I could not get rid of him,
+so apart from making up my mind that his luncheon should be as short as
+possible, I left him alone.
+
+He read the paper for a few minutes and then asked me if I did not like
+his waistcoat.  It looked to me like some new kind of puzzle, so I
+asked him if he had the answer in his pocket, but he was looking at it
+thoughtfully and did not answer.
+
+"Nice shade, isn't it?" he said presently.
+
+I thought that there was more glare than shade about it and told him so.
+
+"It's unique," he declared, and at last I was able to agree with him.
+
+"Have you called on that man Thornton?" he asked, and stood up so that
+he could see his waistcoat and himself in the glass.
+
+"I never call on anybody.  I have had a lot of freshers to meals, but I
+don't know Thornton; he is supposed to be cracked, isn't he?"
+
+"Of course he is.  We've got a splendid rag on.  I thought of it, and
+Dennison is going to work it out.  Do you think this coat fits properly
+in the back?  I met Collier this morning and he swore it didn't."
+
+"What's the rag?" I asked.
+
+Clarkson came in with a message from Murray to say that he could not
+come to luncheon.
+
+"That's a good job," Lambert remarked.
+
+"I thought you liked Murray," I answered.
+
+"He would not have cared about our rag.  I don't suppose Collier knows
+when a coat fits, he's so fat that a petticoat would suit him better
+than a pair of trousers."
+
+"Here's lunch," I said, and as soon as I had got him away from the spot
+where he could examine his clothes, I asked again what was going to
+happen.
+
+"Thornton is absolutely green, Dennison will be able to do exactly what
+he likes with him."
+
+"Poor brute."
+
+"I can never make out why you pretend to hate Dennison, he wouldn't
+mind being friends with you; besides, it makes things very disagreeable
+for me."
+
+"I don't pretend anything," I said.
+
+"At any rate it's very stupid of you; you are both Mohocks, and ought
+to be friends."
+
+I thought he had come on a peace mission, so, to prevent waste of time,
+I said what I thought of Dennison.
+
+"You make a mistake about him altogether," he said.  "Got any port?"
+
+"You'll get as fat as Collier if you aren't careful, and it wouldn't
+suit you a bit," I replied, and stayed in my chair.
+
+"Port doesn't make people fat," but he spoke doubtfully.
+
+"You know best, but I should advise you to be careful.  What's the rag?"
+
+He shot his cuffs down and stroked his upper lip, as he always did when
+he was going to say anything which he thought interesting.
+
+"Dennison is getting it up, which means that it will be jolly well
+done.  He has found out that Thornton knows nothing, so he is teaching
+him a lot.  To begin with, he has invented a society called 'The
+Hedonists,' which is supposed to get pleasure out of anything
+extraordinary, and he has filled up Thornton with the idea that he is
+the very man to be President if we can get him elected."
+
+"Does he believe all that?"
+
+"He believes it all right; Dennison is splendid at that sort of thing.
+But we must make some opposition, or Thornton might think it was too
+easy a job, so we are getting Webb to stand against Thornton, and
+Dennison and I want you to propose him.  We thought it would be a
+chance to show that you didn't mean all that rot you talked about us
+last year."
+
+"I meant every word of it," I replied, but Lambert shook his head.
+
+"Really you didn't," he said.  "Dennison declares that you hate smugs
+and prigs and the sort of men who wear red ties and baggy trousers.
+Besides, you have fair rows with the dons yourself.  You are made to
+enjoy yourself; that's all about it, and it is time some benefactor
+told you so."
+
+"I shan't have anything to do with this rag; it seems to be playing a
+pretty low-down game on a fresher, and if I can stop it I shall.  Tell
+Dennison that from me," I replied.
+
+Lambert got up and put his fingers into the pockets of his waistcoat.
+"Don't be a fool, Marten," he said sadly, "if you had thought of this
+yourself you would have been delighted with the idea; it's so funny."
+
+"Ask Jack Ward to help you."
+
+"Ward!  Between ourselves Dennison and I think that Ward is rather a
+bounder."
+
+"I'll tell him; he will be glad to hear it."
+
+"You make me ill; can't you see that this is too good to miss?"
+
+"You'd better leave this wretched lunatic alone; but if you stand there
+talking until you spoil the pockets of your waistcoat I shan't help
+you."
+
+He took his fingers from his pockets and rearranged his tie.  "You
+disappoint me greatly," he said, and strode out of the room.
+
+Our footer match that afternoon was against Oriel, who play soccer
+better than rugger, so we beat them without much trouble.  Fred didn't
+play for them, because the captain of the 'Varsity team objected to his
+team playing in college matches, but he watched the game and came back
+to tea with me afterwards.  I wanted to give him a cheque for the fifty
+pounds I still owed him, for I had just got my year's allowance, and I
+thought I ought to pay him.  But he would not listen to what I said,
+and only tore up my cheque when I gave it to him.  "It's no use," he
+said, "you will only be short at the end of the year."
+
+That, I knew, was the truth, for economy was a thing which evaded me,
+however zealously I pursued it.
+
+"But I hate owing you money," I said, "and by the end of the year
+something may have happened."
+
+He only laughed, and told me that if I couldn't borrow money, which he
+did not want, from him, I must be a fool, and before I could say any
+more Jack Ward appeared.  Fred and he did not seem to be very pleased
+to see each other again, and since they always got on my nerves I went
+into my bedder to finish dressing.
+
+"Been staying with Godfrey this vac?" I heard Jack ask.
+
+"No; have you?" Fred answered.
+
+"Rather not," Jack said; "I've had no time to stay with anybody.  I'm
+trying to become a decent oar, and reading history--it simply takes all
+the time I've got.  I rowed a bit at school, but have never touched an
+oar for two years until last July."
+
+"It's rather a grind, isn't it?" Fred said; but from that moment he
+seemed to change his opinion of Jack, and if I could be a fool about
+some things I feel quite certain that Fred had been bothering his head
+about nothing for a very long time, which was not very sensible of him.
+I don't believe that Jack ever understood why Fred disliked him, and
+after he had pulled Nina out of the river the second time, I think he
+began to regard her solely as a safe and easy way to a Humane Society's
+medal.  If Fred would only have believed that there are some things
+which cannot stand repetition, I should have been saved a lot of
+trouble.
+
+When I went back to my sitter I found that the blight which had always
+settled upon them when they were together was disappearing quickly.
+They were talking quite amiably, and although I should have been glad
+to have said something to show that I noticed the change, I expect that
+it was prudent of me to be silent.  For the first time, as far as I
+could remember, we met without wondering how soon we could separate,
+and I had the sort of feeling which I should think a great-grandfather
+must have when he is celebrating his ninetieth birthday in the presence
+of his not too numerous descendants.  I just sat and felt placid for
+some time, until I woke up and told Fred that we were supposed to have
+a mad fresher in college.
+
+"You are always getting hold of freaks," he answered, and I asked him
+what he meant.
+
+"You've got about half-a-dozen men here whose names look as if they
+have been turned hind-before; St. Cuthbert's has always been a home for
+a peculiar brand of potentate."
+
+"Potentate!" I said scornfully; "besides, colour is not everything."
+
+"Prince, if you like."  But I knew that he was trying to draw me on, so
+I said nothing.  To hear me in defence of my own college was, I am
+sorry to say, a great pleasure to him.
+
+"Do you know how this report of Thornton being mad began?" Jack asked.
+"I'm rather keen on this, and believe it can be made into a much better
+rag than Lambert and Dennison think.  It may be a chance to squash them
+altogether."
+
+"Lambert has been trying to persuade me to help," I said.  "I told him
+I would have nothing to do with his blessed rag."
+
+"The best of the whole thing is that I don't believe Thornton is a
+lunatic.  Collier says he isn't, and both Learoyd and Murray say he's
+not mad, but awfully clever or a humorist."
+
+"Murray!" I exclaimed, but Jack was losing the power to astonish me
+very much.
+
+"He's all right, I met him in Learoyd's room," Jack said, and began to
+laugh.
+
+"So Thornton isn't mad after all, and you needn't talk about freaks," I
+told Fred.
+
+"Do you mind hearing about this?" Jack asked him; "it will be splendid
+if it only comes off.  It's like this: Lambert and Dennison are always
+looking out for freaks"--I wished he would not give Fred such chances
+to grin at me--"and Thornton's hair sticks up on end, and he never
+seems to know what he is going to do next.  Murray told me that he is
+like a very good pianist he met once, except that he can't play the
+piano.  At any rate he's odd, and that was the reason why Dennison
+asked him to lunch.  And Lambert, do you know him?"
+
+Fred shook his head.
+
+"He is the kind of man who is built for processions and platforms and
+Lord Mayors' Shows," Jack explained; "he's gorgeous altogether."
+
+"I saw him at your smoker," Fred said.
+
+"He's one of the sights of the place, and he began to talk to Thornton
+about champagne."
+
+"He always talks about clothes or wine," I put in.
+
+"Thornton pretended--at least, I'll bet he pretended--to know nothing
+about champagne.  So Lambert told him the best brand was Omar Khayyam
+of '78, and that by a stroke of luck it could still be got at a place
+in the High.  They thought Thornton swallowed that all right, so
+Dennison told him that if he couldn't get Omar Khayyam he must get some
+Rosbach of '82.  After that they asked what sort of fly he used for
+quail; of course the man must have been simply too sick of them to say
+anything."
+
+"Lambert never told me anything about the champagne," I said.
+
+"I expect that was because he and Dennison nearly had a row about it;
+he swore that he thought about Omar Khayyam, and Dennison swore that he
+did--a rotten sort of thing to quarrel about, anyway.  I never heard of
+the man until yesterday.  I've often heard of Rosbach," he added.
+
+"What's going to happen now?" Fred asked, and from some cause or other
+he was shaking with laughter.
+
+Jack told him about the Hedonists, and finished up by saying that he
+must go to see Thornton.
+
+"What's the good of that?" I asked.
+
+"I want to see if he isn't having a huge joke all to himself; if he is
+we may as well help him with it."
+
+As soon as Fred had gone away Jack persuaded me to go with him and call
+on Thornton.  He had got hold of a scheme which Murray and Learoyd had
+started, and as its object seemed to be to score off Dennison I was not
+going to be out of it.  We found Thornton sitting in an arm-chair with
+his feet on the mantelpiece, and Jack seeing that he was alone sported
+the oak so that we could not be interrupted.
+
+"I should think," Thornton said, as he pushed his chair back, "that I
+must have had over thirty men in here to-day.  There were seventeen
+before twelve o'clock.  I am thinking of putting a visitors' book in
+the passage, so that they can write their names and go away.  Are you
+going to back me up to-morrow night?" he asked Jack.
+
+"They have persuaded you to stand?"
+
+"Dennison says it would be such a bad thing for the college if this man
+Webb got in.  Of course it is a great honour for a fresher, but I am
+used to speaking; we have a debating society at home."  He spoke as if
+the whole thing was not in the least important, and ran his fingers
+through his hair until it stood straight up on end.  It was the sort of
+hair which looked like stubble.
+
+Jack was so discouraged that he did not know what to say, so I asked
+Thornton if he expected to be elected.
+
+"There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that; there are only about
+thirty members, and quite half of them have promised to support me.
+Webb of course is better known, but in some cases it does no harm to
+keep oneself in the background until the last moment.  Then I shall
+speak."  He seemed to think that his speech would settle everything
+completely.
+
+I wandered round the room waiting for Jack to bring forward his scheme
+if he could remember it, but he was sitting on the table sucking at a
+pipe which had no tobacco in it, so I drifted over to a book-case, and
+nearly the first book I saw was an edition of _Omar Khayyam_.  This
+surprised me so much that I turned round to see if Thornton really
+looked like a lunatic, but I got no satisfaction from him, for I had
+once seen a man who might have been his brother, and then I had been
+playing cricket against an asylum.  He was lying back in his chair
+gazing at the ceiling, and I pulled _Omar Khayyam_ out of the case and
+put it on the table for Jack to see.  Then I sat down and waited for
+results, but I had to make no end of signs before he would take any
+notice of the book, for he was in such a state of despondency that I
+believe he thought I was trying to talk on my fingers.  At last his eye
+fell on the book, and after I had nodded furiously at him, he jumped
+off the table and stood in front of Thornton.
+
+"You read _Omar Khayyam_?" he said, holding the book in his hand.
+
+Thornton stopped staring at the ceiling and sat forward with his elbows
+resting on his knees.  "Yes," he answered; "at least, I used to until I
+knew it by heart."
+
+"He's a good brand of champagne," Jack went on.
+
+"Are you a friend of Dennison's?" Thornton asked, and there was a kind
+of hunted look in his eyes.
+
+"I'm not," I hastened to tell him, and at that moment I looked at my
+watch and discovered that I had already kept The Bradder waiting for
+ten minutes, so I had to go just as things were becoming interesting.
+
+Jack assured me afterwards that Thornton was not mad.  "But," he added,
+"he's very odd, and I believe he's in a mortal terror that, unless he
+goes on pretending to be a fool, these men will do something much worse
+to him than make him president of a society which doesn't exist.  So
+I've put Murray to speak to him; this will be the talk of the 'Varsity,
+and I don't see what good there is in keeping prize idiots.  I have
+told him to go on playing up to Dennison for a bit, and then we would
+help him."
+
+I did not think, however, that it would be very easy to save Thornton,
+and when Collier and I went to the meeting of the Hedonists on the
+following evening we agreed that whether he was mad or only very
+simple, he was sure to be in for a bad time.  Although Dennison had
+moved into some of the biggest rooms in college, they were crowded when
+we got to them, and it was very difficult to get Collier inside the
+door.  Dennison and a few other men were sitting at a table at the far
+end of the room, and just as we arrived a fourth-year man got up to
+speak.
+
+I suppose that his business was to explain why the Hedonists existed.
+At any rate, he said that it was his duty before he, as the out-going
+President, broke his wand of office to remind the Society that it
+existed for two definite objects--the pursuit of pleasure, and the
+suppression of vulgarity.  He then went on to state that Mr. Wilkins,
+formerly of St. Cuthbert's, had kindly consented to give an account of
+his travels in Central Africa.
+
+"Formerly of St. Cuthbert's," described Wilkins correctly, for he had
+been sent down after one term, and since then had been living an
+alcoholic existence in a farm-house a few miles outside Oxford.  His
+appearance was comical, but he was really a dreadful barbarian, who
+thought that it was better to gain notoriety as a hard drinker than to
+be forgotten entirely.  He began by telling us that he had never been
+to Central Africa, and hoped sincerely that he never should go.  He
+also told us that the reason why he was addressing the Society was a
+rumour that his aunt had met several African explorers at dinner, but
+he wished to say that she was no more of a lion-hunter than he was.  In
+this way he strove desperately to be amusing, but the struggle was very
+painful, and I was glad when he had finished.
+
+The President then broke his wand of office, which for some obscure
+reason was a bulrush painted white, and Thornton and Webb, who had been
+sitting behind the table, were put up for election and called upon to
+speak.  Webb developed a stammer, and although he had his speech
+written on his shirt-cuff, no one could hear what he said.  He was,
+however, received with a lot of applause, so that Thornton might think
+the election was genuine; Dennison had certainly packed the meeting
+with great care.
+
+Thornton's speech was, in its way, almost too amusing, for I found it
+very hard to believe that any one who was not more or less mad could
+possibly make it.  He spoke at a tremendous pace, sometimes talking
+utter nonsense, and then as if by chance saying something almost
+sensible.  Voting-papers were given to twenty-five picked men after he
+had finished, and Thornton was elected President by fourteen votes to
+eleven.  The meeting finished by Thornton thanking everybody in a voice
+which sounded tearful, and then he announced that the annual dinner of
+the Hedonists would be held at The Sceptre on the following Friday
+evening, at which the ceremonies of inauguration would be held, and he
+would be the only guest of the Society in accordance with its ancient
+and honourable traditions.
+
+"Don't you think he is mad?" I said to Jack as I walked across the quad
+with him.
+
+"The only danger is that they may find out that he is rotting the whole
+lot of them.  He overdid the thing to-night.  Come and see Murray."
+
+We found Murray waiting to hear what had happened at the meeting, and
+from the account we gave him he said that it could not have gone off
+more successfully.  "If you think Thornton mad when you know that he
+isn't, there is no reason for Dennison to change his mind.  Besides,
+these men are quite certain that he is cracked, and as long as we are
+careful they won't suspect anything."
+
+"We shall have to be most tremendously careful," Jack said, and he
+seemed to find the prospect oppressive.
+
+"I'll manage Thornton," Murray continued, "and what you men have got to
+do is to get asked to this dinner.  We shall have to take some others
+into this."
+
+We sat down and chose several men who disliked the Dennison gang, and
+who could be trusted not to give our scheme away by talking about it,
+and during the next few days we had to work hard.  Dennison and
+Lambert, however, were so confident that this dinner was going to be
+the finest rag ever held in Oxford that they did not mind who came to
+it.  Collier got several invitations for us, because he had a nice
+solid way of sitting down in a man's rooms and waiting until he was
+given what he wanted; but apart from Jack it was not difficult for us
+to get to The Sceptre, and at last even Jack was invited.  Murray said
+that his part was to prepare Thornton, and he refused to go to the
+dinner, because Dennison might wonder why he wanted to be there.  I
+thought that Murray carried caution to extremes.
+
+I should think that there were nearly forty men at this function; but
+the only guest was Thornton, so he began by scoring something.  It was
+an elaborate affair; Dennison as Secretary of the Hedonists, and two or
+three men who called themselves Ex-Presidents, wore enormous badges,
+and Thornton's shirt was covered with orders and decorations which were
+supposed to have been worn by eighty-eight consecutive Presidents.  How
+any one who was sane could possibly consent to be made such a fool
+puzzled me altogether, and it required all Jack's assurances to make me
+believe that we should not be scored off all along the line.
+
+After the dinner was finished Dennison got up to introduce the
+President of the year, but all he did was to give a short biography of
+Thornton, which for impudence was simply terrific.  Everything had gone
+so well up to then that I suppose he could not keep himself in hand any
+longer; but as he was bounder enough to pull Thornton's people into his
+speech, he succeeded in disgusting several men who had been helping him
+in the rag.  He finished up by saying that Thornton would give his
+inaugural address, and that afterwards the historic ceremonies of the
+Hedonists would be performed.
+
+A man with a voice which was a mixture of a street hawker's and a
+parish clerk's stood up and chanted, "I call upon Mr. Edward Noel
+Kenneth Thornton to put on the purple presidential cap and to deliver
+his inaugural address to this ancient and historic Society."  The cap,
+which had a long black tassel, was then handed to Thornton, and he put
+it on amidst tremendous applause.  It made him look more ridiculous
+than ever, but he seemed to be perfectly calm when he got up and bowed
+solemnly in every direction.
+
+"Mr. Ex-Presidents and fellow-members of this justly-celebrated
+Hedonist Society," he began, and every word he said could be heard
+plainly, "we are here to-night in obedience to custom and in pursuit of
+pleasure.  Custom is one thing and pleasure is another, but we are
+fortunate in belonging to a Society which makes its customs pleasant,
+and which has such skilled hands to guide its pleasures that the word
+customary fails entirely to describe them."  He paused for a moment,
+and a man near me asked what he was talking about, but Webb answered
+quickly that he was a hopeless madman, and that the ceremonies would be
+the real joke.  "That I, a freshman," he continued, "should be elected
+President of this Society fills me with gratitude and even dismay, for
+I fear that the duties of so distinguished an office will be but
+inadequately performed during the coming year."  Loud cries of "No"
+followed this remark, and he went on, "You are good enough to disagree
+with me, and perhaps the ceremonies connected with my office may help
+me to fulfil my duties.  I will tell you what those ceremonies are."
+Dennison tried to stop him, but he was speaking quickly and took no
+notice of the interruption.  "After my address has been given I put on
+my robes of office and ride on a mule from here to St. Cuthbert's; I am
+to be accompanied by the band of the Society, and attended by six men
+who will carry syphons of Apollinaris water and prevent my robes from
+being soiled by the dust of the streets.  Had I known before I came
+here that so much honour was about to be showered upon me I do not
+think that I should have considered myself worthy of being your
+President.  I forgot to say that I am provided with an umbrella."  I
+looked at Dennison, and he did not seem to be feeling very comfortable;
+Thornton, however, had kept up the _rôle_ of a madman thoroughly, and
+had spoken of the ceremonies as if he was quite prepared to carry them
+out.  Some men were shouting with laughter, but Jack was almost pale
+with anxiety, and whispered to me that he was afraid Thornton would get
+flurried and finish his speech too soon.  As soon as the laughter had
+stopped he went on speaking, and although he looked terribly pale and
+bothered, he was never at a loss for words.  "I am, I have been told,
+the eighty-ninth man to fill this important office, and when I think of
+my predecessors, some of whom have doubtless passed away, I am filled
+with a sense of my unfitness for the post which I fill.  The whole fate
+of this Society depends upon its President; without him to guide the
+members in their pursuit of pleasure they would be left to drift into
+undignified amusements, and might even end by taking such absurd things
+as degrees.  At all cost we must avoid banality."  As if in the
+excitement of the moment, he swept his hands over his head and knocked
+off his cap.  "However, my fellow Hedonists, I think I may say that
+your last President has entered earnestly into the spirit of this
+Society.  Its aim, you remember, is pleasure--not any vulgar or
+ordinary pleasure, but refined and exclusive amusement--that is written
+in the rules of the Society as they were given to me, and I need not
+remind those who are present to-night that it is their duty to obey
+them."  He rested his right hand on his shirt, and continued quickly,
+"I, at any rate, have obeyed them to the letter.  I have, if I may say
+so, got more amusement out of this evening than I have ever had in my
+life, and as your eighty-ninth President I declare this magnificent
+Society at an end."  Dennison, Lambert, and one or two others jumped
+up, but Thornton told them loudly not to interrupt him, and several of
+us shouted for him to go on with his speech.  "I have had an
+exceedingly good dinner, and my last word must be one of sympathy with
+Mr. Dennison, who, thinking that I was a bigger fool than he was, has
+invented a society of which, I am sure you will all acknowledge, he is
+the only man worthy to be President.  I hope that you will see that he
+performs the ceremonies which he has arranged for me."  As he finished
+he took off all his badges and tossed them across the table to Dennison.
+
+There was a good deal of noise during the concluding sentences of his
+speech, but the so-called Hedonists were so astonished that they did
+nothing, and Thornton very prudently did not wait to see what would
+happen next.  Dennison was in a miserable state because he was
+violently angry and trying to grin, and before the general hubbub had
+stopped, two men out of our eight, who had never forgiven him for
+laughing at their rowing, picked him up and carried him out of the
+room.  In a minute Dennison, with the purple cap on his head, was
+sitting on the donkey, and a procession had started to St. Cuthbert's.
+When we got back to college we succeeded in taking possession of the
+porter who answered our knocks, and in getting both the moke and
+Dennison into the quad.  I was so engaged with the porter that I did
+not see whether Dennison entered in state, but at any rate he had to
+ride round the quad two or three times, and crowds of men were there to
+see him do it.  Finally, the Subby and The Bradder appeared, and gave
+orders that the donkey should leave the college; so as soon as Dennison
+had dismounted, his steed was handed over to its owner, who was waiting
+in the street.  Then some of us paid a call on the porter to see if he
+could develop a bad memory for faces, but the only thing we found out
+from him was that his temper was bad, and that we had known before.  As
+I went back to my rooms I met Lambert, who drew himself up in front of
+me as if he was on parade.
+
+"Don't think," he said, "that you have heard the last of this."
+
+"We shall never hear the last of it," I answered,
+
+"We know that you played this dirty trick."
+
+"You can know what you please," I said.
+
+"I told you about Thornton, and then you prepare this behind our backs."
+
+"The whole college, and nearly the whole 'Varsity knew about Thornton,
+so you needn't talk such rot to me.  Crowds of out-college men were
+here to see him come in to-night."
+
+"You arranged the whole thing."
+
+"You may think whatever you like," I replied; and he strode away with a
+warning that I had better look out for myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+ONE WORD TOO MANY
+
+The collapse of the Hedonists placed me in a very curious position, for
+by some freak of fortune an idea spread through the 'Varsity that I had
+been responsible for it, and whenever I went to Vincent's I was always
+button-holed by men who asked me to tell them what had happened.  It
+was almost as bad as Nina falling into the "Cher," for a tale thirty
+times told is as flavourless as sauce kept in an uncorked bottle.  I
+could not say that Murray was the man to explain the whole thing, for
+he was most extraordinarily anxious that his name should not be
+mentioned.  I thought that he carried discretion beyond the bounds of
+decency, but Jack said that if it had not been for him we should never
+have made a fool of Dennison, and this was so far true that I stopped
+myself from making one or two forcible remarks.  The immediate result
+of our procession was that a great many people seemed to be
+incoherently angry.  I had interviews with both the Warden and the
+Subby, and I am sorry to say that our porter had told them that I had
+hit him in the ribs.  I had done nothing of the kind, but it was
+necessary that he should be taken for a short walk, and I did put my
+arm through his and keep myself between him and the donkey until it was
+safely in the quad.  I am sure that the Warden understood that I would
+not hit any one in the ribs, and I think his annoyance was due chiefly
+to the fact that some one had told a reporter a lot of things which
+were not true, and there were accounts of the Hedonists in some of the
+London papers.  But the fact of a donkey being in our quad had got on
+the Subby's nerves, and he gated me for a month without listening to
+what I had to say.  He also told me that I ought to consider myself
+very lucky not to be sent down for the term.  Several other men,
+including Dennison, were gated for a fortnight, and I had great
+difficulty in keeping Jack from going to the Subby, to ask him if he
+would not do something to him.  It was very silly of Jack to think of
+pushing himself into this row, but instead of thanking his stars that
+he had not been seen, he was furious with me when I told him to keep
+away from the Subby; and a lot of other men in St. Cuthbert's who would
+have been glad to help in squashing Dennison, were angry because they
+had never been told of our plans.
+
+Collier, who had not been gated, told me by way of comfort that virtue
+is its own reward, but if this is true, I really think that virtue is
+badly handicapped, and that those who practise it should get something
+more substantial to satisfy them.  I began to think that if ever there
+was another attempt to do anything for the college I should be too busy
+to take any part in it.  There was, however, one thing which cheered me
+during these days of bad temper, and that was a report that Dennison
+and Lambert were vowing vengeance upon me.  I hoped most sincerely that
+they would try to do something, for I should have received them with
+pleasure.  But their threats never came to anything, for as the days
+passed by and every one knew how completely they had been scored off,
+their desire for revenge seemed to wane.  Ridicule smothered them, and
+try as they would to live it down, their influence, as far as the
+college was concerned, disappeared entirely.  Some of the set pulled
+themselves up and became more or less silent, while others continued to
+shriek at night, and to go to the theatre for the purpose of making a
+row, which seems to me to be nearly the end of all things.
+
+In a week the Hedonists were almost forgotten, and when the storm had
+blown over, Murray was not so anxious that I should have all the credit
+of having caused it.  But by that time no one cared to know who had
+thought of preparing Thornton for the dinner, and Murray treated me as
+if I had robbed him of something.  I think he must have been working
+too hard, or suffering from some secret illness, for I had already told
+a hundred men that it was not in me to make a plot of any kind, and
+that if I had been responsible for this one it would never have been
+successful.  Murray's indignation came too late to have any effect, and
+as I thought he was quite unreasonable I made no attempt to pacify him.
+
+After things had settled down again no one could help seeing that the
+fall of Dennison and his friends had done no end of good to the
+college.  The men who can be only described as absolute slackers do not
+often get the chance of having any influence in a college, but for some
+reason or other Dennison had become the fashion among a certain set in
+St. Cuthbert's, and if we were ever to do anything properly again it
+was time for the fashion to change.  There are many ways of making
+yourself conspicuous in Oxford, and Dennison chose the one which the
+majority of men never have been able to put up with.  I think St.
+Cuthbert's during my first two years had most unusually bad luck; we
+were suffering, like the agricultural interest, from years of
+depression, and we tobogganed down the hill instead of trying to pull
+ourselves to the top of it again.  I suppose other colleges have their
+troubles, but while I was at Oxford no college had such a desperate
+struggle as St. Cuthbert's.
+
+My interviews with The Bradder during the first two or three weeks of
+this term were most strictly business-like.  I was afraid that he would
+speak to me of the Hedonists, and as I had no intention of saying a
+word to him about them I never stayed with him longer than I could
+possibly help.  Dons, however, find out things without asking
+undergraduates, and the man who imagines that they are not troubling
+themselves about him is in danger of having rather a rude awakening, if
+he happens to be doing things which do not please them.  Our dons must
+have known all about Dennison, and I believe they fixed their eyes most
+steadfastly upon him.  At any rate, his father, who was a barrister,
+must have heard something, because he paid a surprise visit to Oxford.
+There is something horribly mean about surprise visits, whatever
+information may be got from them, and for the first time in my life I
+felt a little sympathy for Dennison.
+
+Whether his father thought this visit successful or not I do not know,
+but he certainly found out a lot in a short time and came to a very
+definite decision.  He called on Dennison at ten o'clock and found him
+sleeping, he called again at twelve o'clock with the same result; at
+one o'clock he discovered him sitting at breakfast in his
+dressing-gown.  Lambert was unfortunate enough to hear some of the
+interview which followed, and he said that Dennison's defence was very
+clever, but that he broke down under cross-examination.
+
+"I have never seen such a man as old Dennison," I heard Lambert telling
+some one in the common-room; "he looked like a piece of marble, and
+when I went in and wanted to bolt he treated me as if I was an
+office-boy, and said that as he believed I was a particular friend of
+his son's it would do me good to stay.  The worst of it was that
+Dennison wasn't very well, and was having a pick-me-up with his
+brekker.  He wasn't in bed until four this morning, so it's no wonder
+he didn't look very fit."
+
+On the following afternoon Dennison left Oxford; he was not sent down
+by the dons, but had to go for the simple reason that his father said
+he would not let him stay any longer.  His friends took him down to the
+station, and there was a procession of cabs and a noise, but I am sure
+that there was a feeling of relief in the college when he had gone.
+Jack and I told each other that we were sorry that his end had come so
+suddenly, although if any one had asked me what I meant, I am sure that
+I could not have given any explanation.  It is not very hard to guess
+what would have happened to him if his father had not acted as he did,
+and if you have to leave Oxford abruptly I should think the best way is
+to be hurried off by your people; it must save so many explanations
+when you get home.
+
+What happened to Dennison I cannot say; somebody said that he was going
+round the world or on to the Stock Exchange, but Lambert denied both
+these reports, and declared that he had reformed so violently that he
+had become a teetotaler and intended to wear a blue riband in his
+button-hole.  I doubted the blue riband part of the story, and if
+Dennison ever wore one I think it would only be on Boat-race day, for
+it takes a tremendous lot of courage to wear a badge of any kind.
+
+After Dennison had disappeared, Jack and I saw The Bradder nearly every
+day.  His keenness on the college increased instead of wearing off with
+time, and he seemed to be exactly the right kind of man to be a don.
+His energy was really terrific, and I received more goads than I could
+endure conveniently, so I passed some of them on to Jack and chose
+those which I liked the least, not, I am afraid, the ones which Jack
+might be inclined to receive with patience.
+
+The Bradder persuaded me to join both a Shakespearian and a Browning
+Society, and as I could not plunge into such things by myself I dragged
+Jack with me.  The Shakespearian Society was pleasant enough, but after
+two meetings of the Browningites Jack said flatly that he would not go
+again.  Some of the Browning men objected to the windows being opened,
+and it is very difficult to keep awake in a stuffy room when you have
+been taking hard exercise in the afternoon.  Jack, at any rate, snored
+so loudly at the second meeting that he shocked the President, and when
+he woke up he interrupted a discussion by giving a very fluent lecture
+on the advantages of ventilation.  I expect that he would have been
+turned out of the society if he had not resigned, and I ought not to
+have dragged him into it, for he was so violently bored by the whole
+thing that he declared he must have a little pleasure to make him
+forget all about it.
+
+"Something in the open air," he said to me, when he came to my rooms on
+the morning after he had snored, and he looked at a volume of _Stubbs'
+Constitutional History_ as if he was very tired of it.  I was also
+feeling rather dull, for I had already got through a fortnight of my
+gating, and to be kept in college after nine o'clock night after night
+is not very exciting.
+
+"A little change is what we want," Jack went on, as I said nothing.
+
+"I can't do much," I answered; "I'm gated and you have got to row."
+
+"I've got a day off to-morrow; the stroke of my boat has to go to town
+and bow's ill."
+
+"Why not have a day's hunting?" I asked.
+
+"There is a little race-meeting down below Reading; you pulled me into
+that Browning thing and it is only fair for you to come to this."
+
+"But I shan't be back in time."
+
+"It's only about twenty miles beyond Reading, and there's no footer
+match, because I've looked to see.  Let's get Bunny Langham and have a
+rest, it will do us all no end of good.  Bunny is going in for
+politics--his father was President of the Union, and he has got to be,
+if he can.  I should think that there are more Presidents of things in
+Oxford than any other place in the world, unless it's Cambridge; but
+Bunny will stick some of his own poetry into his speeches, and the men
+at the Union don't like it.  You can tell him that if ever he expects
+to be President he must stop that game, he takes no notice of what I
+say about poetry.  You'll come?"
+
+We looked up trains and found out that we could be back by half-past
+six, so I said that I would go, and Jack went off to see Bunny Langham.
+As far as racing was concerned the Horndeane meeting was not very
+interesting, for there was not a close finish in any race which I saw,
+but if any one has a fancy for picking up very inexpensive horses I
+should advise them never to miss Horndeane.
+
+I was strolling about with Bunny and Jack after one race, and saw the
+winner of it brought out for sale.  It fetched a hundred and sixty
+guineas, and Jack said it was "dirt cheap."  Then another horse was put
+up, and I was surprised to hear some one bid ten guineas.  Such an
+offer seemed to me ridiculous for a race-horse, so without thinking,
+and just to help things on a bit, I said "eleven," and strolled on with
+Jack; but before we had gone far some one was asking my name, and
+another man was asking me what I wished him to do with the horse.  So
+many questions bothered me, and I tried to explain that I had made a
+mistake when I had said "eleven," but it seemed as if such mistakes did
+not count for much.
+
+"The horse is yours," one man said.
+
+"And he's got the temper of a fiend," the other man added, "and I
+should like you to find some one to take him at once."
+
+I was quite prepared to give him away if I could find any one foolish
+enough to have him, but Bunny wouldn't hear of it, and declared we
+would take him back to Oxford with us.  "He may be a gold mine, who
+knows?" he said.
+
+Jack laughed so much, that while I was surrounded by a lot of impatient
+people he was unable to help me at all, and I can tell those who have
+never had to suffer as I did, that to become an owner of a race-horse
+suddenly is a very awkward experience.
+
+My brute was called "Thunderer," and the man who had got hold of him
+said that his name was the only good thing about him, for he roared
+like the sea.  I wished heartily that some one would steal my horse,
+but every one seemed to be most distressingly anxious to keep as far
+away from him as possible.
+
+I suppose Bunny knew all about racers, for in a few minutes he had
+arranged for a horse-box to be put on our train, and Thunderer
+disappeared.  I seemed to spend the remainder of the afternoon in being
+asked for money by people who said they had done or were going to do
+something for me.  I found that my exalted position brought many
+burdens with it, and I was very glad when we left the race-course.
+Unfortunately, however, we trusted to Bunny's watch, and when we got to
+the station, which was on a little branch line, our train to Reading
+had gone.  There had been some bother about the horse-box, and the
+station-master and a number of people who took an unabating interest in
+me were quarrelling when we arrived.  I sat down on a bench and left
+Bunny to talk to them; I have never been so tired of anything in my
+life.
+
+Even if the next train was punctual we had to wait for an hour, and by
+no chance could we reach Oxford before half-past seven.  We should have
+been annoyed in any case, but Jack and I were very irritated because
+the Mohocks were meeting that evening, and we had men dining with us.
+The only thing to do was to telegraph and ask some one to look after
+our guests until we came, but the station had no telegraph-office, and
+if we wanted to send a telegram we had to go down to the village.
+
+A porter assured us that we could get to the post-office in ten
+minutes, and that the road was quite straight.  I don't know what he
+was thinking about, possibly of a bicycle and daylight, for the way to
+the village needed a lot of finding, and it took us quite half-an-hour
+to reach the post-office.  By that time a thick fog had risen.  We
+tried, and failed, to get any kind of vehicle to take us back to the
+station, so we started to run and lost our way.  The natural result was
+that we missed another train, and the stationmaster, who must have had
+an especial dislike for me, had not sent on the horse-box, and was more
+angry than ever.  Of all the obstinate people in the world I think a
+station-master at a small station can be easily first, and our efforts
+to soothe him produced no effect whatever.  Everything he said began
+with "I know my business," and I have always been inclined to doubt
+people who try to crush me with such unnecessary information.
+
+We got away eventually, but my misfortunes were not finished.  Our
+train was very late at Reading and there was no longer any chance for
+me to be in college by nine o'clock.  Jack, too, was bothered about the
+men whom he had asked to dinner, and Bunny alone remained in a state of
+unruffled contentment.
+
+When the train came at last I got into a carriage with only a glance at
+the people in it, and tried to go to sleep, but Bunny kept on talking
+about Thunderer and had magnificent schemes for my future benefit.  I
+regret to say that he was in what must have been a sportive mood, and
+asked me to choose my racing colours and my trainer.  He kept up a long
+series of questions which I did not answer, but which prevented me from
+going to sleep.  I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Jack slumbering
+in a corner, but when I looked at the man opposite to me I became most
+thoroughly awake.  This man, as far as I remember anything about him
+when I got into the carriage, had his head buried in a newspaper; now
+he was revealed as Mr. Edwardes, and having wished me "good-evening,"
+he added--quite superfluously--that he was surprised to see me.
+
+Bunny with more curiosity than good manners put on his glasses to look
+at Mr. Edwardes, and I, having to say something, thought that I might
+as well introduce them to each other, though I took care to mumble
+Bunny's name so that it could not be heard.  Mr. Edwardes bowed and
+opened his paper again, but Bunny having arrived at the fact that I was
+face to face with a don of some kind, thought he would try to pass the
+time pleasantly.  Considering what he had already said about
+race-horses nothing could have been more fatuous than his attempts to
+explain why I was not in Oxford.  He began by talking about British
+industries, and in a minute was saying that he thought a visit to
+Huntley and Palmer's biscuit manufactory was well worth a visit to
+Reading.  I kicked and nudged him incessantly, for the snubs which he
+received from Mr. Edwardes only seemed to encourage him.
+
+The distance between Reading and Oxford is happily not great, but by
+the time we had finished our journey I was in a state of profound
+discomfort, and though I had no love for Mr. Edwardes, I thought that
+Bunny might have had the sense to know that if he was amusing himself
+he was making things more difficult for me.  His explanation was that a
+man who looked like a frozen image was just as likely to believe that I
+had been inspecting Huntley and Palmer's manufactory as buying a
+race-horse, and at any rate it was a good thing to try and mix him up a
+little, but I can't say that I thought the explanation a good one.
+
+When we got to Oxford a man from a livery-stable was waiting for
+Thunderer, and Jack and I reached St. Cuthbert's just as the Mohocks
+were coming back to college after playing pool.  It was half-past ten
+before I could explain things to the men whom I had asked to dine with
+me, and when they heard that I had been buying a race-horse they
+thought that my excuses were good enough.
+
+The Bradder was dining with the Mohocks that evening, and when the
+out-college men had gone away he asked me to come to his rooms and have
+a smoke.  I looked at Jack, and The Bradder said at once, "Ask Ward to
+come with you," and walked off across the quad.
+
+We told him exactly what we had been doing, and I think Mr. Edwardes
+would have been rather surprised to see how he laughed.
+
+"What would Colonel Marten say if he knew you had bought a race-horse?"
+he asked me.
+
+"I hope to goodness he never will know," I answered.
+
+"What are you going to do with him?"
+
+"Sell him--if I can; Langham's got him in the stables where he keeps
+his horses, and if you would like to have a look at him, I'll take you
+round."
+
+But The Bradder shook his head.
+
+"You say Mr. Edwardes saw you at Reading, and that you are gated, and
+were not in college until ten o'clock.  I wish you would not do such
+stupid things," he said quite seriously.
+
+"It was the reaction," I replied.
+
+"From what?"
+
+"Browning," I said, and The Bradder did not look altogether pleased.
+
+"I am sorry you can't appreciate Browning."
+
+"I can't appreciate very many things at once.  Besides, Jack and I felt
+very dull."
+
+"Mr. Edwardes saw you, I suppose?" he asked Jack.
+
+"I should think so, but I don't think he knows me by sight."
+
+"Oh yes, he does," The Bradder said.  "Both of you are bound to hear
+more about this."
+
+"It's very unfortunate," Jack remarked; "you see there was a fog, and
+all sorts of unexpected things happened.  It has been a real bad day,"
+he added, as we left the room.
+
+On the following morning directly after breakfast Jack and I went round
+to see Bunny, and we found him talking to a man who looked like a groom
+from his head to his heels.  I groaned.
+
+"Sit down, Sam," Bunny said.  "That's Mr. Marten, the owner of the
+horse you are talking about."
+
+"Well, all I can say is what the Guv'nor told me to say.  I was to say
+this 'oss must leave our place this morning or there'll be trouble."
+
+"There seems to have been trouble already," Bunny replied.
+
+"'E's done enough damage for twenty 'osses.  Kick, you should see 'im;
+'e's kicked a loose box silly.  Our Guv'nor's fairly got 'is rag out."
+
+"He must wait until I've finished breakfast.  You'd better have a
+cigarette, Sam."
+
+"No, thank you," Sam answered, and looked at a cigar-box.
+
+"Help yourself," Bunny said.
+
+Sam helped himself and remarked that he had been up since five o'clock
+with that blessed 'oss, and that it was thirsty work.  So he helped
+himself again.  After that he did not seem to mind so much what the
+Guv'nor said, and told Bunny that he had never met a nobleman who
+didn't know how to treat people properly.
+
+We talked to Sam for some time, and just as Bunny was finishing
+breakfast another man came into the room.
+
+"I had forgotten all about you," Bunny said.  "I'm afraid this place is
+rather full of smoke," and he introduced his cousin, Mr. Eric Bruce.
+
+"I can't congratulate you on your memory," Bruce replied; "you forgot I
+was going to stay with you last night, and you forget I want any
+breakfast.  Funny chap, Augustus, isn't he?" he said to me.
+
+"Your wire never came until I had gone yesterday, so I couldn't forget
+you were coming," Bunny said, and rang the bell.
+
+"I'll tell the Guv'nor you'll be round in 'alf a jiffy," Sam said, and
+went out of the room jerkily, as if he had got a stiff leg.
+
+"What curious friends you have, Augustus, and what is ''alf a jiffy'?"
+Bruce asked.
+
+"Don't be a fool," Bunny answered, "and don't call me Augustus."
+
+"It's better than Gussy," Bruce declared, and though I should have been
+glad to contradict him, for I disliked him at sight, there is no doubt
+that he was right.
+
+"Is the man, who has gone, an elderly undergraduate or only a don?"
+Bruce went on.
+
+"He's from some stables round the corner.  Any one with two eyes could
+see that."
+
+"Rude as usual; my cousin's the oddest man," Bruce said to Jack.
+
+"Like to buy a horse?" Bunny asked him.
+
+"I'm ready to buy anything if I can sell it at a profit," he answered.
+
+"Well, swallow your breakfast and come and have a look.  You'll get
+your profit all right.  I've never known you when you didn't."
+
+In a few minutes we all went to the stables, and Bunny began haggling
+operations.  Bruce bid a "fiver" for Thunderer, and was told he would
+fetch that for cats' meat, and then the game went on.  In the end Bruce
+said he would give fifteen guineas, and take him to London that day.  I
+nearly seized him by the hand, and told him he was a rare good sort,
+which I was quite convinced he was not.  The livery-stable man did not
+seem to care what happened as long as Thunderer went away, and I must
+say that he made the least of his eccentricities.
+
+"That's a bit of luck," Bunny said to me when the bargain was settled,
+"I get rid of my cousin and a horse on the same day, both real bad
+lots.  He's our family pestilence," and he nodded at Bruce's back.
+
+For Jack's benefit I added up the result of my investment, and came to
+the conclusion that I was about eighteen-pence to the bad when I had
+paid for the damage Thunderer had done, and all the little incidental
+expenses connected with him.  You can't own a race-horse for nothing,
+and I think that I--or rather Bunny--did well.  I was told afterwards
+that Bruce raffled my horse and sold fifty tickets for a sovereign
+each, but I am not inclined to believe that story, and at any rate I
+should not have known where to find fifty fools.  I certainly could not
+have discovered them in Oxford, where some people, who have never been
+there, make the mistake of thinking they are to be found in crowds.
+
+I believe the dons held a meeting about Jack and me, for The Bradder
+told us there was a great difference of opinion about the sort of men
+we were.  I tried to get more out of him, but failed.  However, we got
+off lightly, for Jack was only gated for a week, while I was given a
+lecture by the Subby, and had a week added to my term of imprisonment.
+
+The Bradder also advised me to give up going to race-meetings.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+A TUTORSHIP
+
+I was beginning to forget that I had ever been the owner of a
+race-horse when I got a furious letter from my father.  The Warden had
+told my uncle, and my uncle lost his head and wrote to my people
+instead of to me.  A tale of this kind always flies round at a
+tremendous pace, and it was difficult to make every one believe that I
+had never meant to buy the horse, and that as soon as I had bought him
+my one desire was to get rid of him.  I found out afterwards that the
+Warden only told my uncle because he thought the tale would amuse him,
+but apparently he expressed himself in such very curious language that
+he gave the impression of being annoyed.  After I had soothed my people
+the Bishop wrote to me that the turf had been the ruin of many young
+men, but when I thought of the part I had played upon it I came to the
+conclusion that I was not likely to be added to the number.  My uncle
+referred to racing as "a fascinating and very expensive pleasure," and
+I assured him that I had not found it fascinating, and that my
+experience had cost me eighteen-pence, the cheapness of which he had to
+admit.  I am glad that I added up my expenses, for that eighteen-pence
+was very useful, it was such a delightfully ridiculous sum to brandish
+at any one who thought that I was trotting down the road to perdition.
+
+During the rest of the term we were very quiet in St. Cuthbert's.  I
+was able to play rugger for the college in nearly every match, for my
+days in the 'Varsity fifteen had ended.  Hogan was better than ever,
+while I had fallen away to the kind of man who Blackheath ask to play
+for them when half their team are crocked and the other half have
+influenza.  I did not mind, however, for our college fifteen was only
+beaten by Trinity and Keble, and our soccer team, chiefly owing to
+three or four freshers, was also much better than it had been for years.
+
+Things were improving all round, and Jack's energy was almost
+exhausting to those who watched it.  He seemed to me to be hunting for
+societies to join, and he went round sampling them and finding out that
+they did not suit him.  Bunny Langham succeeded in getting himself
+elected Secretary of the Union, and he told me that he was going to
+have several cabinet ministers down to speak in the following term, and
+should give them a jolly good dinner.  He asked Jack and me to meet
+them, but only one of them came, and he did not dine with Bunny.  His
+father, who was in the Government and held the record for the number of
+speeches he had made in the House of Lords, came down once and wanted
+to come again, but he spoke for such a tremendously long time that
+Bunny declared that he should give up all hopes of being elected
+President if he ever came again.
+
+In the Lent term Jack rowed six in our Torpid, and also told me that he
+thought he should try and get his blue for throwing the hammer.  He had
+never thrown the hammer in his life, but he said that he knew what it
+was like and any one could throw it.  I suppose that was true, but
+Jack, when he tried, found that there were other men who could throw it
+a greater distance than he could, which did not trouble him in the
+least.  He remarked that the hammer was a silly thing after all, and
+that he should think of something else.
+
+But the Torpid occupied so much of his time and attention that he gave
+up seeking for a curious way in which to get his blue, and settled down
+to train in a most determined manner.  The sight of me eating muffins
+for tea seemed to be almost an insult to him, I really believe that he
+would have liked me to train with him, though I had nothing whatever to
+train for.  He did persuade me once to run round the Parks before
+breakfast, but I didn't repeat the experiment, for I felt quite fit
+without being restless in the early morning.  Of course I had the
+Torpid to breakfast, and their confidence in themselves was as great as
+their appetites.  You can't, I think, give breakfast to a Torpid and
+like them at the same time, and I have never acted as host to a Torpid
+or an Eight without being struck by the fact that of all men in the
+world I was the most supremely unimportant.  Occasionally Jack and
+another man remembered that I was not very interested in the amount of
+work the Corpus stroke did with his legs, and made as great an effort
+to drag me into the conversation as I made to keep in it.  But the
+effort was very apparent on both sides, and I gave up when I heard that
+seven in the Merton boat used his oar like a pump-handle, and that
+there was not a single man in the Pembroke crew who pulled his own
+weight.  This last statement compelled me to ask if Pembroke hoisted a
+sail on their boat and waited for a favourable wind, but my question
+was treated with scorn, and I came to the usual conclusion that the
+best place to see a Torpid collectively is in a boat.
+
+The confidence of our men depressed me, for I had most conscientiously
+played the part of host to previous Torpids and Eights, who had been
+equally confident until the racing began.  After that they had either
+complained of their luck or their cox, and I asked Jack when I got him
+by himself if he really thought our boat was going up.
+
+"I don't know," he replied, "we plug hard, and thinking you are bound
+to bump everybody is part of the game.  It's no use starting to race
+with your tail down."
+
+The papers considered that we were bound to rise, but for two years
+they had been saying that and all we had done was to lose more places.
+I wished that I could meet some one who was not sure about the success
+of our boat, and at last I discovered him in Lambert, who said our crew
+looked like a picnic party, which had gone too far out to sea, and had
+to plug for all they were worth to get back before night.  Then I
+defended them and felt more happy.  The fact was the Torpids were a
+sort of test case; if we went up I felt we should have fairly turned
+the corner, but if we went down I was afraid our fit of enthusiasm
+would cool rapidly.  No one who was rowing in them could have been more
+excited than I was.  The Bradder noticed it and complained, but for the
+moment I was incapable of caring much about things which had happened,
+and after all there is something to be said for anybody who is really
+keen on one thing, if he does not make himself a very terrific bore.
+
+On the first night of the races we got a dreadfully bad start, and for
+two or three minutes we were in danger of being bumped.  Then we
+settled down and began to draw close to Corpus, but our cox was too
+eager and made unsuccessful shots at them.  After the second shot I
+could not run another yard, so perhaps a little training might have
+done me good, but we did catch Corpus at the "Cher," and that began a
+triumphant week.  We made seven bumps, and though a lot of men said our
+crew showed more brute force than science, it must have been nonsense,
+because we went up from fourteenth to seventh, and when a boat gets
+fairly high in the First Division there is sure to be some one in it
+who can row properly.  The stroke of the 'Varsity eight told me that
+the best man in our Torpid was Jack and I believed him very easily.
+
+"He could be made useful in the middle of a boat with a bit of
+coaching," he said to me.
+
+"You'll be up next year, so look out for him," I answered, and I told
+him that I thought Jack was a splendid oar, which was no use because he
+only laughed.
+
+I had become so accustomed to a dismal return to college from both the
+Eights and Torpids that the change was quite delightful, and on the
+last day of the races we had a huge "bump" supper in hall.  From that
+supper some of our dons stood aloof and were even said to disapprove of
+it, but the Warden was present for the greater part of it, and the
+Bursar and The Bradder entered into the spirit of the thing with a zest
+which was splendid.  There were also two or three more dons, who had
+been undergrads of St. Cuthbert's, but who now belonged to other
+colleges, and they seemed to know that there are times when it is well
+to forget that you are a don.  We entertained two members of each of
+the crews which we had bumped, and I cannot say that any of them seemed
+to be dispirited by their bad fortune.  Indeed, as the evening went on
+they became exceedingly lively, and some of them were inclined to swear
+everlasting friendship with any one who liked demonstrations.
+
+After supper we had a lot of speeches, but it was impossible to hear
+many of them, for everybody wanted to speak and no one to listen.  I
+did hear the opening sentence of one speech, "Gentlemen, I used to be
+able to row once," but I heard no more, for the next words were drowned
+in loud cries of "Shame" and "No, no," and the don who wished to tell
+us his personal reminiscences just stood and smiled at us.  He had been
+in the St. Cuthbert's boat when it had been head of the river and did
+not mind anything.  Before we left the hall there were two men speaking
+at once at our table, it was a great chance to practise oratory.  I
+have never been at a more convivial supper, and since we had not been
+given an opportunity of celebrating anything for ages it is no wonder
+that we made a tremendous noise.  Some people may wag their heads at
+bump suppers and call them silly, or whatever they please, but they
+have forgotten the joy of living, and find their chief delight in
+criticizing the pleasures of those who are younger and happier than
+themselves.  I suppose they are useful in their way, but thank goodness
+their way is not mine.  You can't expect an undergraduate to celebrate
+seven bumps by standing on the top of a mountain and watching a
+sunrise, or by some equally peaceful enjoyment.  He wants noise, and he
+generally manages to get it.  I know that I was very pleased with that
+evening and felt as if it had been well-spent, but when I tried to
+describe it to Mrs. Faulkner, she shrugged her shoulders and said that
+it was most childish, for she couldn't understand that it was very nice
+to let yourself go a little when there was a good reason for doing it.
+I believe she was one of those people who are ashamed of ever having
+been children, and if she lived to be a hundred years old and kept all
+her faculties she would never understand what a peculiar mixture makes
+up life at Oxford.  I did not tell her about the bonfire which we had
+in the back quad after supper, because I am sure she would have thought
+that either I was lying or that most of the men in St. Cuthbert's were
+a set of lunatics.
+
+Two or three dons, who could appreciate festivities, danced round the
+bonfire quite happily, and evidently enjoyed themselves.  They were
+very popular; too much so possibly for their own comfort, for one of
+them who was, except on especial occasions, a most prim and proper
+person, was seized by a man, who looked upon him as his very dearest
+friend, and carried round the bonfire at galloping pace.  After that
+the dons disappeared and we had a dance in the hall.  I should think
+the band must have been as keen on exercise as we were, for the music
+got faster and faster as the evening went on, and it was impossible to
+keep time, but that did not matter.  In our battels at the end of the
+week we were all charged half-a-crown for refreshing the band, so that
+they could not have gone away hungry--or thirsty.
+
+An outburst of this kind is something more than a custom honoured by
+time, for it clears the air and you can settle down afterwards quite
+easily.  I had smuggled myself into the festivities which other
+colleges had given, but I had never enjoyed myself half as much as I
+did at our own.  We had done something at last which was worth a
+bonfire, and a bonfire with no one to dance round it has never yet been
+lighted in an Oxford quad.
+
+The Bradder thought that our supper had gone off very well, although he
+had seen one of his fellow-dons treated too affectionately, and had
+rescued him.  But he knew such things did not really mean anything, for
+you can't expect men who have just come out of strict training to
+behave quite like ordinary mortals.
+
+I wanted to fish during the Easter vac, but my vacs were beginning to
+get out of hand, for make what plans I would--and I made very pleasant
+ones--somebody was always at work to upset them.  I meant to take Fred
+home with me and play cricket in a net if the weather was warm, and
+fish a little stream near us, but the Bishop had found something else
+for me to do, and my schemes came to nothing.  At the end of the term I
+only went home for two days, and then had to start off on a tutorship.
+It is no use pretending that I went without vigorous protests.  I said
+that I had never tutored anybody in my life, and was met by the answer
+that everything had to have a beginning, which is such an appalling
+truism that it ought never to be uttered.  I then stated that I was
+sorry for the boy who had me as a tutor, though I meant, of course,
+that I was sorry for myself, and my mother replied that she should miss
+me very much, but that she had talked the whole thing over with my
+father, and they both thought the experience would be good for me.
+What could I say to that?  Besides, it was too late to back out.  The
+people, I was told, were charming, and I was to take charge of a boy
+aged twelve, who was home from school because he had been having
+measles.  The boy was also charming, everybody and everything seemed to
+be exactly right; but I thought I saw the Bishop peeping through all
+these descriptions, and charming is a word which has no great
+attractions for me, it is so comprehensive and can mean such a
+multitude of things.
+
+But as I had to go I went cheerfully, and I should not think that any
+one ever started on a tutorship knowing less than I did about the
+people to whom I was going.  My whole stock of knowledge consisted of
+their name, which was Leigh-Tompkinson, of the place where they lived,
+and of the fact that the boy had been ill.  I had, however, no doubt
+that I should be able to get on with them if they could only put up
+with me; they were, I was assured, friends of the Bishop, and I did not
+think that he would urge me to go to any people whom I should not like.
+
+When I arrived at the house I was shown into a drawing-room in which
+there were at least eight ladies and not a single man.  My reception
+was almost effusive.  Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson insisted that I was cold,
+tired, and dying of hunger, but I had only travelled forty miles, and
+the day was warm.  I wanted nothing except a sight of Mr.
+Leigh-Tompkinson, and I had an awful feeling that there was not such a
+man.  It struck me suddenly that no one had ever spoken of him to me,
+and my courage decreased.
+
+"You would like to see Dick," one lady said to me, and everybody asked
+where he was, and nobody knew or seemed to care very much.  The desire
+for him passed off as quickly as it had come, and in half-an-hour I was
+playing a four-handed game at billiards with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson as a
+partner, and two ladies as our opponents.  My partner played better
+than I did, and we won; we then played two other ladies, and in the
+middle of the second game Dick came into the room.  One glance at him
+told me that he was all right, and I should have been very glad to go
+away with him.  He remarked to me at once that I was "at it" already,
+which told me a good deal.  No one took any notice of him except to
+tell him not to fidget, and as he was not fidgeting I thought he was
+very amiable to receive such unnecessary orders in silence.  Before
+dinner I was able to have a few minutes alone with him, and my fears
+about Mr. Leigh-Tompkinson were realized--he was dead.  We also made
+some plans for the next day, which were never carried out.  In fact,
+try as I would for many days, and I adopted many artifices, I could
+hardly ever spend more than an odd half-hour with him, there was always
+something which his mother thought much more important for me to do.
+The house was full of people, most of whom were ladies, though none of
+them were what I called young; but there were two men there all the
+time, who were the mildest beings I have ever met.  I don't think
+either of them liked me, and I am sure I did not like them; their
+wildest amusement was a little, a very little golf, and their chief
+employment was to make themselves generally useful.  Everybody, with
+the exception of Dick and me, seemed to be trying to be young again, it
+was a most melancholy spectacle.  For some time I could not understand
+how Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson could be a friend of my uncle's, but at last
+a Miss Bentham, who was always ready to talk, told me that the
+house-party were having their holidays before they went back to London
+for the season.
+
+"In London my cousin has so much to do," she continued.  "Of course the
+season is always fatiguing, but Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson makes it more so
+by her devotion to good works."
+
+I nearly laughed aloud, and thought of saying that if she would be a
+little more devoted to her son she would not be wasting her time, but I
+suppressed myself and asked to hear more about the good works.
+
+"She gives so much away, but then she's so rich," Miss Bentham said.
+"She's devoted to your uncle, but then he's so handsome.  Don't you
+think so?"
+
+"He's fifty," I replied, without remembering to whom I was talking.
+
+"A woman is as old as she looks and a man as he feels," she said, and
+looked at me.
+
+I knew that I was expected to say that the Bishop must be about thirty,
+and that she could be scarcely twenty-five, but I really could not do
+it.  The whole place made me feel absolutely unwell.
+
+"My uncle works hard and often feels tired," I remarked after a moment.
+
+"You mustn't think we always enjoy ourselves like this.  Here we are
+quite children again, so very refreshing," but her interest in me had
+gone.  I had been given my opportunity and had not taken it.  I should
+have liked very much to see an interview between Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson
+in her "good works" mood and my uncle; it would have been a delightful
+entertainment.  But I am sure that he had never seen her when she was
+taking her holidays, or I should have been left to play cricket and
+fish with Fred.
+
+In spite, however, of the facts that I was always trying to fulfil the
+duties which were supposed to account for my presence, and that I liked
+Dick far better than any one else in the house, I was for some time
+most popular with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson.  I was new, I suppose, for
+what other reason there could have been for my popularity I cannot
+imagine; but at any rate the reason is not worth guessing, for in a
+brief ten minutes I managed to fall completely out of favour.
+
+The way in which this happened was rather absurd, but it showed clearly
+enough what an odd kind of woman Dick had for a mother.  As a rule I
+had to play billiards after dinner, but one evening there was somebody
+staying in the house who persuaded Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson to play round
+games, and when I went into the drawing-room I discovered that
+preparations had been made for this form of dissipation.  Dick had been
+allowed to come down to take part in them, and was walking round asking
+everybody to begin at once; but my experience of round games is that
+people are generally far more anxious to stop than to begin them.  Each
+person wanted to play a different game, for by this means I fervently
+believe that they imagined they would get out of playing any at all.  I
+sat down while I had the chance, feeling sure that in a few minutes I
+should be asked to go outside the door and stay there.  I thought that
+I knew every game of the kind, and when Dick had at last got a few
+people to look like beginning, I was asked if I knew "it."  I had no
+idea that "it" meant anything out of the ordinary, and I said
+unblushingly that I did, whereupon Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson asked me to
+take the chair on her right hand.  One of the mild men had already
+taken up his position on this seat, and to my sorrow he was told to
+move, though I had no idea that my position was in a peculiar way the
+place of honour.  A lady, who proclaimed many times that she had never
+done such a thing in her life, stood in the middle of the circle and
+asked questions, and from the confusing answers she received I
+discovered promptly that I did not know what game we were playing.  At
+last she came to me and said, "Is it beautiful?" so as we were only
+allowed to say "Yes" or "No," and the last answer had been "Yes," I
+said "No."  I shall never forget the gasp which followed.  Dick, I am
+ashamed to say, gave way to merriment, but the rest of the people
+looked at me as if I had committed a crime.  It was not hard for me to
+guess that I ought to have said "Yes"; the agitation had even spread to
+Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson.  The second question asked me was, "Is it old?"
+and this time I said "Yes," with some fervour; but my answer again
+caused consternation.  Some one indeed declared that it was too hot for
+games, and in a minute the circle was broken up.  Then Dick told me
+that "it" was always the left-hand neighbour of the person who was
+asked the question, and I saw that my answers, if true, had also been
+unfortunate.
+
+Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson went into the billiard-room at once, and I am
+afraid that even an immediate explanation and apology would not have
+been considered compensation enough for making her ridiculous.  During
+the next two days Dick and I were left very much to ourselves, and then
+I asked Miss Bentham, who was, I think, secretly pleased at my answers,
+to suggest that I should take him to the sea for the rest of his
+holidays.  This request was made in the morning, and we started during
+the afternoon of the same day, for I had sinned past forgiveness.  But
+unless I had played this game of "It" I should never have had time to
+make friends with Dick, and he wanted a friend rather badly.  He was
+lonely among a crowd of people, all of whom were ready to give him
+anything he asked for, except companionship.  I started by being sorry
+for him, and ended by liking him very much; he only wanted some one to
+take an interest in him, and that I was able to do quite easily.  After
+my tutorship was over Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson wrote to me and hoped that
+I should often be able to take him away with me, but she expressed no
+wish for me to stay with her again.
+
+At the beginning of my third summer term I was able to pay Fred the
+money he had lent me.  He protested, but I insisted, for he was Captain
+of the 'Varsity XI., and was also so popular that during the next few
+weeks he was bound to have plenty of opportunities for thinking of
+anything but economy.  Besides, this money had been at times a load on
+my conscience.  Economy, either practical or political, has never been
+a strong point of mine, but I often regretted that I had during my
+first two years bought a number of things which were more or less
+useless, because I was not compelled to pay for them at the moment.  My
+difficulties were not overwhelming but they were a nuisance, until the
+Bishop, who knew both Oxford and me by heart, solved them by giving me
+a birthday present.  Every one, however, has not got a convenient
+uncle, and without his present I should, owing to the recklessness of
+my first two years, have been compelled to leave Oxford with bills
+unpaid, and the prospect of a stormy interview with my father in front
+of me.  I was so genuinely fond of Oxford, and there are so many
+pleasant things to do there, that I should have been very sorry to
+leave it with anything hanging over me.
+
+Fast bowlers, both good and bad, were scarce during the whole time I
+was up, and I was not altogether surprised when Fred chose me to play
+in the Seniors' Match.  In that game I succeeded in getting a few
+wickets, and soon afterwards I got my Harlequin cap, which pleased me
+hugely.  I am sure that had I not been such an outrageously bad
+batsman, Fred would have liked to try me for the 'Varsity, but there
+happened to be another man who did not bowl any worse than I did and
+who batted much better.  So I was left to bowl for the college, and I
+was not altogether sorry, for if Fred had yielded to his feelings and
+given me a trial a lot of men would have said it was a swindle.  There
+are a number of people in Oxford who spend their time in looking out
+for swindles, and of all things in the world they seem to be the
+easiest to find.  In Fred's case, however, I should have had a much
+better chance of playing if I had not been one of his greatest friends,
+for he was the very last man to turn his eleven into a sort of family
+party.
+
+Our eight expected to make seven bumps, and succeeded in making five of
+them, with which Jack, who rowed six, pretended to be discontented.
+But we celebrated those five bumps all right, and altogether the
+college was a splendid place to live in.  I stayed in bed much later
+than usual on the morning after our second celebration, and I suppose
+every one else was sleepy, for I could hear Clarkson calling his boy a
+lazy young vagabond, and that always happened when through other
+people's laziness the unfortunate boy could not get on with his work.
+
+"Who is up?" Clarkson shouted.
+
+"Nobody," the boy answered.
+
+"Then fetch Mr. Thornton's breakfast," for Thornton had moved into
+rooms next to mine at the beginning of the term.
+
+"Mr. Thornton's in bed."
+
+Clarkson stamped heavily.  "What the deuce does he mean by being in
+bed?  Go and fetch his breakfast, and don't answer me when I give you
+orders."
+
+The boy hurried down the stairs, and I thought Thornton had acted very
+unwisely in changing his rooms, for if Clarkson got hold of a man of
+whom he could take charge he was quite certain not to miss his chance.
+I knew one or two men who lived in greater fear of him than of any don,
+and I determined to advise Thornton not to be bullied.  My efforts,
+however, were quite useless, for Thornton assured me that he liked our
+scout and got a great deal of amusement from him.
+
+"Clarkson knows exactly what is best for himself and me, and he is
+always clean," he said.
+
+"He treats his boy abominably," I replied.
+
+"I wonder what you would be like if you were a scout," he said, and as
+he obviously thought that I should only be remarkable for my failings,
+I gave up trying to talk to him.
+
+Thornton was a great puzzle to me, for his one desire was to be left to
+himself, and apart from speaking at debates and belonging to various
+literary societies he never seemed to me to do anything.  Murray always
+lost his temper with me when I said that Thornton was extraordinarily
+odd, and declared that he was one of the cleverest men in the college
+and would probably be governing some colony when we had sunk out of
+sight.
+
+In some moods Murray was not a cheerful companion, and I could not help
+telling him that to be bullied by your scout is not a good preparation
+for governing anything.  And as a matter of fact Thornton became
+gradually so very eccentric, that even Murray had to admit that if he
+was a genius he was one who had lost his way.
+
+After our eight had been successful Jack Ward was very anxious that
+they should go to Henley, but both the Bursar, who had done more to
+improve our rowing than anybody, and The Bradder wanted them to wait
+for another year.
+
+"We shall have nearly the same eight next summer, and two or three good
+freshers are coming up," The Bradder argued.
+
+"I shall be in the schools," Jack replied sadly, and though The Bradder
+turned away suddenly I saw him smiling, for Jack's essays were some of
+the most comical things ever written.
+
+Anything which resembled style he said was unwholesome, and although
+Mr. Grace talked to him like a parent and The Bradder tried persuasion
+and abuse, he stuck to his solid way of giving information.  But he
+confided in me that the reason was that he couldn't write a proper
+essay to save his life.
+
+"All I want," he exclaimed, "is a degree, and that's what these men
+don't understand.  Besides, I spell badly; it's a disease with me, and
+when you have got it, you may be able to think of a word, but you would
+be a precious fool to use it when another man has to read what you have
+written.  So my vocabulary gets limited, and I'm going to stick to
+facts, and I shouldn't wonder if the examiners don't like them.  They
+so seldom get them."
+
+I don't think he understood what a very great deal some of the history
+men manage to know, but, at any rate, his way of tackling the examiners
+was novel, and considering the disease from which he was suffering,
+perhaps it was also the best he could choose.  So he went on learning
+things by heart, and put up long lists of things on his looking-glass,
+or any place where he was likely to see them.  I saw the extraordinary
+word "Brom" pinned on to a photograph of Collier, and found out that it
+stood for Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde and Malplaquet.
+
+"I can't help thinking that Marlborough finished off with Blenheim,
+because it is the sort of battle any one who is not even reading
+history has heard of," he explained, "and I have to get that idea out
+of my head.  You will find all sorts of funny words stuck about the
+place.  I've got 'Kajakk' pinned on to a lobelia in my flower-box,
+because I am always leaving out Anne of Cleves; she never seemed to
+have a chance, and you must have the man's wives all right."
+
+"Do you think they matter much?" I asked.
+
+"Of course they do.  They are guide-posts to the reign, but they would
+do much better if half of them were not Katharines."
+
+I suggested that he should call one of them Kate and another Kathleen
+to avoid confusion, but he said that "Kajakk" would pull him through
+all right, and that if there was any question about Henry VIII. he did
+not mean to miss is.  I am certain that had he been given an
+opportunity, the examiners would have had a correct list of these
+ladies, with a brief note attached to explain why there were so many of
+them.
+
+Soon after the Eights were over, I heard that The Bradder had invited
+my people to come up at the end of the term, and as I had never stayed
+up for "Commem," I wrote back cheerfully, and said we would enjoy
+ourselves.  This letter, however, was answered by my father at once,
+and my plans were again thrown into confusion.  "I want you to leave
+for Germany when term is over.  To get even a smattering of the
+language you must be there nearly three months, and, unless you go
+immediately, you will miss all the shooting.  I want you to know three
+modern languages well enough to get into the Foreign Office without any
+difficulty."  This was the beginning of the longest letter I had ever
+had from him, and in many ways the nicest, but I cannot say that I
+wanted to spend my summer with a German family, and after consulting
+Fred, I went to The Bradder to see if he would not help me to stay in
+England.
+
+"I can't read history and learn German at the same time," I said to
+him, "and all my work will be wasted unless I do some this vac."
+
+"Your father has evidently made up his mind," he said, but I think that
+he must have been sorry for me.
+
+"You write and tell him that I shall forget all I have been doing.  He
+will listen to you."
+
+"German is very valuable to you."
+
+"So is history.  How can I be expected to work next year when I am
+packed off every summer to live with a lot of people who don't want me?
+I get no fun."
+
+"You will like it when you get there, and for this summer you can
+manage to do enough history to keep up what you know.  I will help you
+as much as I can."
+
+"Why can't I be allowed for once to like a thing in the place where I
+want to like it?" I asked, and I nearly told him that environment was
+everything, but he did not like those profound statements any better
+than I did.  I only saw The Bradder really nasty to one man, and he had
+been fool enough to say that the reason why he cut his lectures was
+because the whole atmosphere of Oxford was against work, which really
+was a sickening sort of excuse.
+
+My attempts to get help from The Bradder failed, and as soon as I had
+worked myself up into a rage he began to laugh.
+
+So after one night at home I started to Germany and my people went to
+Oxford for "Commem" on the same day, which was a most topsy-turvy state
+of things.  Nina promised to write to me, but I did not expect anything
+from her except postcards.  I was, however, mistaken, for she wrote me
+a kind of "Oxford day by day," which I, struggling with a strange
+language in a strange land, was very glad to have.  I don't know
+whether The Bradder taught her to refer to the Vice-Chancellor as the
+"Vice-Chuggins," but in her description of the Encænia that most
+important gentleman was certainly not mentioned with the respect which
+I consider that people, who don't belong to Oxford, ought to feel for
+him.  In fact Nina succeeded in catching the Oxford language so badly
+that she told me that my father had been having "indijuggers," and I am
+sure that he would have had a worse attack if he had known what Nina
+called it.  I am sorry to say that she treated the Encænia in a very
+light and airy way, though some most mightily distinguished men were
+receiving honorary degrees at the function.
+
+"I like the Sheldonian because it is so round," she wrote to me, "but I
+was not impressed by the Encænia.  The area of the theatre was reserved
+for the dons, who wore what I believe you call academic dress, but they
+did not look as if they had room enough to be comfortable.  I sat in a
+gallery with a lot of people, and there was a man, who somebody told me
+was a Pro-proctor--at any rate he wore robes and looked, I thought,
+rather nice--to keep order.  You do mix up things queerly at Oxford;
+some of the jokes which were made were really not very funny, and
+mother was afraid that some one might be offended.  She was quite
+nervous.  I liked the Public Orator, who seemed to me to be introducing
+the people who were to receive honorary degrees to the Vice-Chuggins,
+and I was sorry for the University prizemen, who wore evening dress and
+had to read out their prize poems and things.  I couldn't hear a word
+the Public Orator said, but perhaps that was because I had a man near
+me who made jokes all the time and a bevy of relatives kept up a chorus
+of giggles.  Mr. Bradfield had to go to luncheon afterwards at All
+Souls.  I met Mr. Ward in the Turl yesterday; he was only up for two or
+three hours, and I thought he said he was going to coach.  I am sure he
+said something about coaching, and as I remembered how fond he was of
+horses I thought he was going for a driving tour.  But it turned out
+that he was going to read with somebody; very silly of me.  Do you
+remember when he jumped into the 'Cher'?  It seems ages ago.  Mr.
+Bradfield punts splendidly, we all like him very much, and father has
+dined with the Warden, who had toothache and hardly spoke all the
+evening.  Most unfortunate.  We are going to the 'Varsity match, and
+Mr. Bradfield says that Fred is the best bat and captain you have had
+for ages.  I believe mother nearly fainted with delight when she heard
+this.  Mr. Bradfield dances as well as you do."
+
+The next letter Nina wrote was full of The Bradder's perfections, but
+in the following one he was scarcely mentioned, and my mother, who had
+never seen Oxford in June, was so delighted with everything that she
+did not tell me much about anybody.  Still I could not help wondering
+what had happened, for Nina was not usually reticent without a reason.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+OUR LAST YEAR
+
+Fred did not have the satisfaction of seeing his eleven beat Cambridge,
+but there had not been such a close finish in a 'Varsity match for
+nearly twenty years, and Nina said the excitement was really painful.
+"I was quite glad when it was over," she wrote to me.  "Mother never
+spoke for quite half-an-hour, and Mr. Bradfield nearly ruined his hat
+by constantly taking it off and putting it on again.  I warned him that
+he was spoiling it, but he said that such a finish was worth a hat.
+And we lost in the end; a big Cambridge man hit a four and father said
+awful things at the top of his voice.  Somehow or other that seemed to
+relieve everybody.  There was only one other Cambridge man to come in,
+and if the big man had been bowled instead of hitting a four it would
+have been splendid.  We waited for Fred afterwards and saw him for a
+minute.  He said that the big man had been the best cricketer at
+Cambridge for four years, and now that he was going down Oxford ought
+really to win next year.  Fred was very disappointed, but he told us
+that this man was a thoroughly good sort, which annoyed me because I
+felt as if he must be perfectly horrid."
+
+If my people could be excited at a cricket match I knew that I had
+missed something worth seeing, but when I tried to talk about the
+'Varsity match to the only member of my German family who spoke
+English, she thought I was explaining lawn tennis to her.  I felt very
+sad indeed, and had to go for a long bicycle ride to shake off a
+vigorous attack of the blues.
+
+I suppose those months in Germany must have been useful to me, yet in
+spite of a great amount of kindness I was very glad when they were
+over.  I learned a great deal, I honestly believe, for I often went to
+a restaurant and talked politics with three professors, and that is no
+mean feat even if you do it in your own language.  For some reason
+which I have never been able to understand, these men were very pleased
+with me; possibly they liked me because I never agreed with anything
+they said.  I asked them to come and see us if they were ever in
+England, an invitation given out of joy in wishing them good-bye.  The
+prospect of leaving the German language made me very liberal in the way
+of invitations to those who spoke it, and if all the people whom I
+asked had happened to come at the same time, they would have caused a
+considerable sensation in our small household.  There were, however,
+dangers in plunging me into foreign families which my father did not
+discover; for I like everybody so much, when I am leaving them, that I
+feel certain that they are the nicest people in the world.  I had not
+been at home for a day before I found out that something very like a
+mystery had attached itself to The Bradder, so I went to my mother and
+asked her what had happened.
+
+"I meant to tell you," she answered.  "My dear, he wants to marry Nina,
+we were quite astonished."  I did not think Nina would have cared to
+hear that.  "He was here for a fortnight, but we never suspected
+anything, Nina is so very young.  It only happened a week ago."
+
+"Are they engaged?"
+
+"No, we thought it best that there should be no engagement for at least
+a year.  I hope we decided right, for I must have time to think about
+Nina being the wife of a don.  I think they are very much in love with
+one another."
+
+"Nina is not so very young."
+
+"Very young to be the wife of a don," my mother replied, and I believe
+that she thought such a lady, to be suitable, ought to have numbered at
+least forty years.
+
+"The Bradder would have to go out of college if he married," I said;
+"we shan't get such another man in a hurry," but my mother did not
+think this as important as I did.
+
+When I talked to Nina about this new state of things she was very
+disappointed to find that I was not surprised.  She seemed to think
+that I was depriving her of something due to her, but her letters had
+made me think that something startling was going to happen, and I was
+prepared for almost anything.
+
+"Our engagement is not to be announced for a year," Nina said.
+
+"I thought there wasn't any engagement," I answered.
+
+"There isn't, until it is announced, but we have quite made up our
+minds," and then she took my arm and I listened to a glorification of
+The Bradder.  "He is very fond of you," it finished up, and that is all
+I can remember of it.
+
+"I am glad of that, as he is my tutor and is going to be my
+brother-in-law," I said.
+
+"You don't seem to see how happy I am," Nina answered.  "I wanted to
+telegraph to you at once."
+
+"I am most tremendously glad you are happy.  The Bradder's a splendid
+man," I said, and added, "I should like to tell Fred directly he comes
+next week."
+
+"Yes, tell him," she replied, "but he won't mind; perhaps I oughtn't to
+say that, but I know that you think he will.  Fred's a dear, he's just
+like another brother."
+
+"For pity's sake don't say that to him," I exclaimed.
+
+"Of course I shan't say anything to him, but he will understand all
+right," and I gathered that if he could not understand it was my duty
+to make him, which, considering how peculiarly he had behaved to Jack,
+I did not expect to be an easy matter.  But there was a difference
+between Fred and Nina, for he seemed to fall out of love as he grew
+older, while she fell in.  I don't know enough about such things to say
+whether he was ever actually in the state called "in love," but I do
+know that he was inclined to regard Nina with a jealous eye, and that I
+suffered many unpleasant moments in consequence.  So I drove down to
+the station to meet him and intended to break the news to him gently,
+but we had such a lot of other things to talk about that I had not
+mentioned Nina, except to say that she was well, when we met her in the
+drive.  Fred got out of the dog-cart to speak to her, and I, having
+totally neglected my mission, was wise enough to disappear for an hour.
+
+In that time he must have found out what had happened, for when we were
+left alone in the smoking-room after dinner and I was wondering whether
+I had better begin the gentle process, which I was sure I should muddle
+hopelessly, he said, "It will take me some time to get used to the idea
+of Nina marrying a don."
+
+"I meant to tell you as we drove down, but I forgot clean all about
+it," I answered.
+
+"Bradfield's a good sort, isn't he?  It would be a most vile shame if
+he isn't."
+
+"He's a splendid chap."
+
+"I saw him with Nina at Lord's, and I got a kind of idea into my head
+then.  He looks all right anyhow."
+
+"He is all right."
+
+Fred sat and smoked for ages without saying a word, which made me
+uneasy.
+
+"Don't you feel horribly old?" he said to me at last.  "This is a kind
+of end to all the good time we have had here.  I mean that everything
+will be different; I can't imagine Nina being married."
+
+"She won't be for ages, and when she is it will be just the same," I
+answered.  "The Bradder's the best sort in the world, except you.
+Let's go to bed, we have to shoot to-morrow."
+
+I stayed in Fred's room, however, for a long time, and I expect some of
+the things we said would have amused those who can jump without regret
+from one state of things to another.  But all the same this talk did us
+good, for we finished off the subject of Nina's engagement at one
+sitting, and Fred pleased me by saying that he must have been a fool to
+hate Jack Ward so violently.  That told me all I wanted to know, and
+though he was not in very good spirits for a day or two he soon
+recovered, and I believe that Nina and he enjoyed themselves more than
+they ever had since they began to wonder whether they were grown up or
+not.
+
+Before going back to Oxford Fred and I went to stay with Mr. Sandyman,
+our old house-master at Cliborough.  I had been to Cliborough several
+times since I left school, but my first visits made me feel almost sad.
+The glory of being a blue, and I could not help feeling it, was not
+enough compensation for the way in which I seemed to have entirely
+dropped out of things.  I loved Cliborough, and when you are fond of
+places or people it is horrid to see that they can get on quite well
+without you.  You may not be forgotten, but you must necessarily cease
+to count for much, and it was not until I went back after having left
+for three years that I was quite happy there.  Our feelings--for Fred
+felt as I did--may have been wrong, but no one would have them who was
+not fond of their school and who did not in some way or other wish to
+be worthy of it.  Sandy was as nice to us as possible, and it was quite
+funny to see what a hero Fred was thought to be by some of the fellows
+in our house.  I think I was regarded as a hero more or less decayed,
+but Fred nearly reinstated me by saying that I was the fastest bowler
+he had ever played against, and by forgetting to add further details.
+
+We went back to Oxford from Cliborough, and during my last year I saw
+more of Fred than ever, for in nearly every college men in their fourth
+year have to go into lodgings, and Jack and I took rooms in the same
+house in the High as Fred and Henderson.  Fred was President of
+Vincent's, Henderson was to be captain of the 'Varsity XI., and Jack
+was immediately put into one of the trial Eights and finally, rowed six
+in the winning boat.  The shadow of approaching examinations was over
+all of us except Henderson, who was not reading for Honours, and had
+nothing but two papers on political economy between him and a degree.
+But I should not think any four men ever got on together better than we
+did, and the mere sight of Jack was enough to make any one feel
+cheerful.  He had fairly and squarely found himself at last, and
+whether he was sitting in front of piles of books or getting up and
+going to bed at strange times because he was in training, he was an
+endless delight to all of us.  His methods of reading history made Fred
+laugh so much that I thought he might possibly abandon them, but
+nothing would persuade him that his road to a degree was not the safest
+he could take.  On one subject Jack only opened his heart to me.  He
+had set his mind on getting into the 'Varsity Eight, and his keenness
+was terrific.  I assured him time after time that he must have a
+splendid chance of his blue, but I don't believe that the mere fact of
+getting his blue meant very much to him.  He wanted to show his people
+and his college that he could really do something.
+
+"If I could only get into the 'Varsity boat I should have done
+something," he said to me, "because I'm not a natural oar.  I have to
+learn it all, and it's frightfully hard work remembering all you're
+told.  Some of you men think a fellow who rows is just a machine, but
+it's not so easy to become a good machine."
+
+To Fred and Henderson he hardly ever mentioned the river, but they knew
+how desperately keen he was, and when he was tried in the 'Varsity boat
+at four, during the beginning of the Lent Term, we all hoped most
+vigorously that he would keep his place.  For nearly a fortnight the
+same crew rowed every day, but neither the President nor the Secretary
+had yet taken their places, and I was in a state of terror that Jack
+would have to go when they went into the boat.  The Secretary, however,
+took his place and Jack remained where he was, and a few days
+afterwards the President went in at seven, seven went to three, and one
+unfortunate man disappeared.  Then we openly rejoiced, and at the
+beginning of Lent Jack was told to go into training.  We had a mild
+celebration on the evening of Shrove Tuesday, and Bunny Langham, who
+had been President of the Union and had developed a habit of making
+very long speeches, for which he apologized by saying that he believed
+in heredity, came round and helped to make a noise.  Whenever he got
+the ghost of an opportunity he began to congratulate Jack, and he
+required a very great deal of suppressing.
+
+For a whole week Jack rowed in the boat, and then he had a sudden
+attack of influenza.  Somehow or other I had never thought it possible
+that he could be ill, and I have never seen any one hurry up so much to
+get well again.  In ten days he was nearly all right, but when he was
+put back into the boat he said he felt miserably weak, and I think he
+went to work to prepare himself for a disappointment.  At any rate when
+it came Jack took his luck like a hero, for hardly anything more
+crushing could have happened to him just then.  I must say that the
+President was as kind about it as any man could be; he knew what it
+meant to Jack, and his sympathy was very real.  But Jack himself
+surprised all of us, he seemed to throw the whole thing behind him, and
+I never heard him complain of anything except his wretched illness.
+
+"I shall be fit next term," he said, "and if we get our boat near the
+head of the river again it won't be so bad after all."
+
+My last year in rooms with Fred, Jack and Henderson was the best of
+four good years at Oxford.  Everything, except Jack's luck, was so
+exactly right, and I was most delightfully happy.  The college was
+doing as well as we could want, and most of the dons, led I am certain
+by The Bradder, behaved splendidly.  The Freshers' Wine became an
+organized institution and ceased to be a sort of "hole and corner"
+entertainment, at which every one made a most horrible noise because
+they ought not to have made any at all.  In my spare time, and I had
+not much, I caught myself regretting that I had ever been stupid enough
+to carry on long battles with Mr. Edwardes, it seemed to me that I
+might have been more peaceful, but the fact remains that he and I were
+not made for each other.
+
+Until the time began to grow near for me to go down from Oxford I never
+felt as strong an affection for the 'Varsity as I had for Cliborough.
+I think the reason was that Oxford is such a huge place, that it took
+me some time to realize how splendid it is.  I missed the feeling of
+unity which there was at Cliborough, and I supplied my loss by going
+furiously to work in trying to make the college less slack.  Certainly
+St. Cuthbert's, owing more to Jack's efforts than mine, had changed
+very much, but in setting our minds absolutely on one thing for two
+years we had missed a lot, even if we had been successful in what we
+wanted to do.  Our last year, however, made up for everything, and when
+we came back for the summer term examinations had lost their horrors,
+and the only thing I regretted was that in eight short weeks my time at
+Oxford would be over.
+
+The Bradder, who watched over me like a prospective brother-in-law,
+encouraged me to think that I should not do very badly in the
+"schools," but I think he was rather agitated when Henderson chose me
+to play for the 'Varsity against the Gentlemen of England, and in a
+very bad light I got more wickets than I ever expected to get in a
+first-class match.  That performance gave me a good start in the
+'Varsity XI., and The Bradder was desperately afraid that I should stop
+reading altogether.  But Fred and Jack were both hard at work, and
+except on one evening a week Henderson had to go into a separate room
+when he wanted to entertain his numerous friends.  Jack rowed in our
+Eight, and they went up to fourth.  They would have been second if they
+had been lucky, but as it was they intended to go to Henley.
+
+I think that I was fortunate in having to struggle for my blue during
+my last term, for this gave me so much to think about that I escaped
+some of the feelings which Fred had about leaving Oxford.  I felt that
+I was by no means ready to go, but I was also desperately eager to get
+into the XI., and that I knew would not be decided until the term was
+over.  One leaves Oxford slowly, if I may express it so; you have to
+come back for a _vivâ voce_, and then for your degree; there is no
+abrupt break as there is at school, and the fact that I was playing for
+the 'Varsity after the term was over, helped me more than it did Fred,
+who had played in the XI. for three years.  Nearly every Sunday
+afternoon during May and June, Fred and I quite solemnly went out for a
+walk together, and we nearly always found ourselves by the river.  I
+believe this was because we were never tired of looking at Corpus and
+Merton from the Christchurch meadows.  There is no view so keenly
+rooted in my memory as this, nor one which I am so glad to look upon
+again.  I don't care in the least whether it is the most beautiful in
+Oxford or not, for it means something to me, and you can ask no more
+from a view than that.  I can never look at it without remembering many
+things which were all of them very pleasant, and Oxford is the place to
+build up memories.
+
+The term slipped by far too fast, and we found ourselves plunged into
+the schools.  For once in my life I should have been glad not to see
+the sun, but the week during which we had to put on paper the results
+of over two years' work was most cruelly hot, and all of us were glad
+when it was over.  It is no use guessing how you have done in honour
+schools, for those who think they have got a first are too often
+surprised when the lists come out, and unless you are going to guess
+something nice, it is much better to leave it alone altogether.  With
+one consent Fred, Jack and I refused to talk about our chances, and set
+out to enjoy the few days which remained to us without being harrowed
+by doubts and fears.  I did, however, have secret dips into a political
+economy book, for I thought if the examiners shared my opinion they
+would wonder how little of this subject I knew.  I couldn't keep away
+from the wretched thing, try as I would, and was always reading "Adam
+Smith" and "Walker" at odd moments.  I think my nerves must have been
+upset.
+
+Directly after the schools were over, Jack and I had to go to a dinner
+which Murray got up.  I was ready to go to anything, but I had no idea
+that this was a sort of entertainment organized in honour of us until I
+got to it.  The Bradder took the chair, and I am sure that I tried to
+feel grateful to Murray, but if you don't care much about being set on
+a small pedestal it is very hard to pretend that you do.  I did,
+however, enjoy that dinner because every one was so very cheerful, and
+I made a speech which lasted--counting the applause--nearly ten
+minutes.  The Bradder spoke more about Jack than me, which was very
+thoughtful of him, and Jack told me afterwards that this evening almost
+made up for having missed his blue.  The things which were said about
+him took him most completely by surprise, and the fact that he was
+really appreciated and that the college owed something to him, sent him
+off to Henley a happier man than he had ever been in his life.
+
+My place in the eleven was in doubt until the last game before the
+'Varsity match, and then I bowled one of the best batsmen in England--I
+must add off his pads--and got three men caught in the slips.
+Henderson gave me my blue in the pavilion at Lord's and simply banged
+me on the back as he did it, a very unorthodox and pleasant ending to
+what had been a great anxiety.  Fred, too, was most uproariously
+delighted, and I should think that some of the people, who seem to
+think that the pavilion at Lord's is a kind of cathedral, must have
+decided that the Oxford XI. had suddenly gone mad.  But I disentangled
+myself after a time from men who wanted to congratulate me, and started
+sending telegrams.  I was guilty at that moment of trying to think of
+people to whom I could telegraph with decency, but I had wanted to play
+against Cambridge very much.  We had been beaten in all the last three
+matches, and as Fred had never really played well at Lord's, I think
+some men were inclined to say that he was not anything like as good a
+cricketer as he was supposed to be.  But in this match he settled that
+question once and for ever.  We went in first and started terribly,
+Henderson was caught at the wicket, and another man was bowled before
+we had made a run.  I could not have smiled at the best joke in the
+world.  Then Fred and a left-hander got well set, and before we had
+finished our total was over 350.  Fred never gave a chance until he had
+made well over a hundred, and though some men told me that he was out
+l.b.w. at least four times, there are always plenty of people who think
+that they know more than the umpires.
+
+The Cambridge men failed in the first innings, and I only bowled six
+overs, which annoyed my mother and Nina, because they said that I was
+there to bowl.  But after Cambridge went in again they played an uphill
+game most splendidly, and my people had plenty of opportunity to see me
+bowl.  I got four men out, and Henderson was very pleased with me, but
+I was not a first-class bowler, though I tried hard to look like one.
+We had nearly two hundred runs to win, and I confess that I was afraid
+that I might have to go in when there were two or three runs still
+wanted.  In the first innings my efforts as a batsman had been brief
+and glorious, I had received three balls, two of which I had hit to the
+boundary and the third I meant to go to the same place, only somebody
+caught it.  I hoped sincerely that my part in the 'Varsity match was
+over, but whenever a wicket fell I had a very bad moment.  I did not,
+however, have to make that long journey from the pavilion to the
+wickets again, for Henderson, who kept himself back in the second
+innings, played beautifully, and we won with some wickets in hand.  I
+don't want to forget the wholesome thrill which I had when Henderson
+made the winning stroke, and I am quite certain that I never shall
+forget it.
+
+My father and mother, too, were pleased, and I was very glad to see
+their delight, for I thought that I might have added more to their
+anxiety than to their pleasure during the last four years.
+
+In July both Fred and Jack came to stay with me, because in a few weeks
+I had to start on one of my journeys in search of a language which I
+did not know.  I wanted Jack to be with us when the History List came
+out, in case anything disastrous should happen.  But Jack had filled
+himself so full of facts that when the telegram from the Clerk of the
+Schools came he was delighted to find that he had got a third, and he
+declared that I must be a genius to have got a second, but that was
+only his way of expressing his surprise.  The Greats' List was a
+triumph for St. Cuthbert's, Murray and five other men getting firsts.
+Fred got a second, and considering that he had been playing footer and
+cricket for the 'Varsity so much, everybody thought that he had done
+most thoroughly well.  Cliborough was so satisfied with him that he was
+offered a mastership at once, which was a stroke of luck both for Fred
+and the school.
+
+Nothing remained for us to do except to take our degrees, and we
+arranged with Henderson that we should go back together once more and
+take them at the same time.  I think that we clung to that expedition
+as our last remaining link with the 'Varsity.  But there is a link,
+which those who learn to love Oxford, as Fred, Jack and I loved her,
+cannot break; it is the debt which we owe to her, for we shall never be
+able to repay it in full.
+
+
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+  RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED,
+  BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND
+  BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+By the same author
+
+GODFREY MARTEN: SCHOOLBOY
+
+WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY GORDON BROWNE
+
+_In one vol., cloth, gilt edges, price 5s._
+
+
+Some Press Opinions
+
+The Spectator:--"The book is extremely good reading from end to end; it
+abounds in entertaining and exciting episodes, is wholly void of
+sentimentality, and enforces in the most unmistakable and wholesome way
+the duty of straight and manly conduct."
+
+The Standard:--"Boys will be delighted with this faithful record of
+public school life.  It shows up without the smallest priggishness, or
+the least hint of lecturing or sermonising, that side of the English
+public school of which we are so proud--the fine, broad standard of a
+gentleman that the well-bred boy sets up for himself."
+
+The Daily Telegraph:--"_Godfrey Marten, Schoolboy_, may rank with the
+very small number of books which treat successfully of boy-life....  It
+is a bright, stirring story, and should find a hearty welcome."
+
+Morning Post:--"_Godfrey Marten_ will rejoice the heart of many a lad.
+Mr. Turley knows boys and writes lovingly of them.  His story is
+vivacious, the heroes are real live ones, the style is racy and true to
+reality in its descriptions of masters, boys and sports, and even in
+its use of school slang, the book throughout is clean, wholesome and
+manly."
+
+The Times:--"Returning to Mr. Turley's book after a year's interval we
+are more than ever taken by its quiet, unassuming merits and a certain
+insidious charm.  Thinking over other school books we can recall
+nothing nearer to boy nature than this, nor any that has greater
+interest as a story."
+
+The Guardian:--"The book is a wholesome one; the boys are gentlemen,
+the games are described with spirit, and some of the difficulties of
+public school life are treated in a healthy and helpful way.  Moreover
+it is written for boys rather than about them, and the author succeeds
+in looking at things from a boy's point of view."
+
+
+
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford Street, W.C.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley
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+Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate
+
+Author: Charles Turley
+
+Release Date: April 20, 2009 [EBook #28567]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GODFREY MARTEN, UNDERGRADUATE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Al Haines
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<BR><BR>
+
+<H1 ALIGN="center">
+GODFREY MARTEN
+</H1>
+
+<H2 ALIGN="center">
+UNDERGRADUATE
+</H2>
+
+<BR>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+BY
+</H3>
+
+<H2 ALIGN="center">
+CHARLES TURLEY
+</H2>
+
+<BR><BR>
+
+<H5 ALIGN="center">
+AUTHOR OF 'GODFREY MARTEN, SCHOOLBOY'
+</H5>
+
+<BR><BR>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+LONDON
+<BR>
+WILLIAM HEINEMANN
+<BR>
+1904
+</H4>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<H5 ALIGN="center">
+<I>All rights reserved</I>
+</H5>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<H2 ALIGN="center">
+CONTENTS
+</H2>
+
+<TABLE ALIGN="center" WIDTH="80%">
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">CHAP.</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">&nbsp;</TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">I.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap01">OXFORD</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">II.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap02">INTERVIEWS</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">III.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap03">THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">IV.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap04">UNEXPECTED PEOPLE</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">V.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap05">THE WINE</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap06">JACK WARD AND DENNISON</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap07">THE INN AT SAMPFORD</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap08">LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">IX.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap09">A SURPRISE</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">X.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap10">MY MAIDEN SPEECH</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap11">A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap12">THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap13">NINA COMES TO OXFORD</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XIV.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap14">GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XV.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap15">MISHAPS</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XVI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap16">THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XVII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap17">THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XVIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap18">THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XIX.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap19">THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XX.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap20">THE HEDONISTS</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap21">ONE WORD TOO MANY</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap22">A TUTORSHIP</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+<TR>
+<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</TD>
+<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top">
+<A HREF="#chap23">OUR LAST YEAR</A></TD>
+</TR>
+
+</TABLE>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap01"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER I
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+OXFORD
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The night before I left home for Oxford I had a talk with my father.
+He was not of the sentimental kind, but I knew that he had a rare
+fondness for my brother, my sister Nina and myself, and I have never
+had a moment when I did not return his affection.  He had always been
+bothered by my lack of seriousness, and he doubted whether I should
+really get the best out of 'Varsity life.  After telling me that the
+time had come for me to treat things more seriously, he finished up by
+saying: "I am going to give you two hundred pounds a year, which is
+more than I can afford, and which, with your exhibition, must be enough
+for you.  I have put that amount to your credit in the bank at Oxford,
+and I don't expect to hear anything about money from you either during
+the term or when you are at home.  You ought to know by this time what
+money is worth, and that debt is a thing you must avoid.  Be a man,
+Godfrey, and don't forget that the first step towards becoming one is
+to behave like a gentleman."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I shook his hand to show that I understood, for he wanted neither
+promises nor protestations, and if I had been able to be sentimental he
+would have left the room without listening to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He didn't say much, but what he did say was beautifully simple, and on
+leaving him I felt very solemn and, since I must tell the truth, very
+important.  The idea of having a bank account was one which did not
+lose its glamour for several days.  There was something about my first
+cheque-book which pleased me immensely, for I had not been brought up
+in a nest of millionaires, and am glad to confess that until I went to
+Oxford the possibilities attached to a five-pound note were almost
+without limit.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred Foster&mdash;who had been staying with me&mdash;and I parted at Oxford
+railway-station without falling on each other's necks, but although we
+did not cause any further obstruction on a platform already far too
+crowded, we understood that the friendship which had prospered during
+so many years at school was not going to be interrupted because he had
+got a scholarship at Oriel while I was an exhibitioner of St.
+Cuthbert's.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I began by losing my luggage, which was exactly the way some people
+would have expected me to begin, and when I arrived at the college
+lodge I must have looked as if I had come to spend a Saturday to Monday
+visit.  One miserable bag was all I possessed, and the porter viewed
+me, as I thought, with suspicion.  He was a grumpy old person, and when
+I told him that I had lost my luggage he grunted, "Gentlemen do,
+especially when they're fresh," which I thought very fair cheek on his
+part, though I did not feel at that moment like telling him so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then having said that my name was Marten, he hunted in a list and told
+a man to take my bag to Number VII. staircase in the back quadrangle.
+I followed, feeling rather dejected, and I cannot say that the first
+sight of my rooms tended to raise my spirits.  They were small and
+dismal, the window opened on to a balustrade which, if it prevented me
+from falling into the quadrangle, also managed to shut out both light
+and air.  The furniture can be described correctly by the word
+adequate; there were some chairs and a table, college furniture for
+which I was privileged to pay rent.  The chairs looked as if nothing
+could ever wear them out or make them look different.  They had been
+built to defy time and ill-usage.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went into my bedroom and was more satisfied, by some strange freak it
+was bigger than my sitting-room, and after I had seen other freshers'
+bedrooms I acknowledged my good luck.  There was at least room to have
+a bath without splashing the bed.  I was still looking disconsolately
+about me when my scout came in and treated me with a calm contempt
+which immediately raised my spirits.  His air was so obviously that of
+the man who knew all about things, and he told me what to do with a
+gravity which was intended to be most impressive.  His name was
+Clarkson and I stayed on his staircase during the three years I was in
+college, though at the end of my first year I moved into larger rooms.
+He was in a mild kind of way an endless source of amusement to me,
+because every one knew that under his veil of imperturbability was
+hidden, not very successfully, a flourishing crop of failings.
+Whenever his chief failing overpowered him his gravity increased, until
+he became one of the most indescribably comic people I have ever seen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He told me that chapel was at eight o'clock on the following morning,
+and asked me if I should be breakfasting in.  I found out afterwards
+that unless I wanted to go to chapel I could go to a roll-call in any
+garments which looked respectable, and then go back to bed; but I did
+not hear this from Clarkson.  He was far too keen on getting men out of
+bed and their rooms put straight to give such very unnecessary
+information.  However, he was useful at the beginning, and had he not
+told me where to go for dinner I don't suppose I should have troubled
+to ask him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My first dinner in hall was not a pleasant experience.  The senior men
+came up a day after us, and most freshers, until they settle down, seem
+to spend their time in waiting for somebody else to say something.
+That dinner really made me feel most gloomy; things seemed to have been
+turned upside down, and in the process I felt as if I had fallen with a
+thud to the bottom.  There were two or three freshers from Cliborough
+to whom I had scarcely spoken during my last two years at school, and
+these fellows all sat together and enjoyed themselves, while I counted
+for nothing whatever.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I began to learn the lesson that being in the Cliborough XI. and XV.
+was not a free passport to glory.  The man opposite to me looked as if
+he had never heard of W. G. Grace, and when I tried to speak to the
+fellow on my right about the Australians, he thought that I was talking
+about any ordinary Australian, and had no notion that I meant the
+cricket team which had been over in the summer.  He was quite nice
+about it, I must admit, and when he found out what I was driving at,
+said: "I am afraid I don't know much about cricket; I have been over in
+Germany the last two or three months, trying to get hold of the
+language.  I want to read Schiller and those other people in the
+original."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He did not suit me at all, and as I had not the courage to give myself
+away by asking the names of the other people our conversation dropped.
+I was, in fact, dead off colour, and the sight of those three
+Cliborough fellows almost took away my appetite.  Until that moment it
+had never occurred to me that I had been in the habit of thinking a lot
+of myself at Cliborough, and in self-defence I must add that I do not
+see how a public school can prosper unless some of the fellows stick
+together and try to make things go on properly.  Any "side" I may have
+had was certainly unconscious, but I haven't an idea whether that is
+the worst or the best kind.  I know that I should have felt like having
+a fit if any one had told me that I was conceited, and apart from that
+I don't know anything about it, except, as I have said, that I was
+angry that these fellows did not seem to remember that I had been at
+Cliborough.  I told myself that they had lost their sense of
+proportion, which was a phrase my father used about any one who argued
+with him; and I also said vehemently that they were worms; but unless
+you are quite sure of it, and can get some one to agree with you, there
+is not much satisfaction to be got from calling people worms.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went out of the hall and found a tall, dark fellow bowling pebbles
+aimlessly about the quadrangle.  I bowled a pebble, and hitting him on
+the back, had to apologize.  It is rather odd, now I come to think
+about it, that the first words I ever said to Jack Ward were in the
+nature of an apology.  We strolled out of the quadrangle into the
+lodge, and after he had looked at me he asked me to come up to his
+rooms and have some coffee.  I was not at all sure that I wanted to go,
+but I went.  He shouted to his scout at the top of a very powerful
+voice, and I felt that he was much more at home than I was.  I
+determined, moreover, to shout at my scout upon the earliest possible
+opportunity.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had a brother up here," he said as soon as we were sitting by the
+fire, "and he gave me some tips.  One of them was to shout at your
+scout for at least a week to show that you are not an infant, another
+was not to row, and the last was not to play cards all day and night.
+My brother's an odd kind of chap, the sort of man who doesn't know the
+ace of spades by sight, but it's as easy to shout as it is not to row.
+Your name's Marten, isn't it?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes," I replied; "how did you know that?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I scored when you came over last term to play for Cliborough against
+Wellingham.  I was twelfth man to the XI., though you needn't believe
+it if you don't want to.  It's wonderful what a crop of twelfth men
+there are kicking around; you may just as well say you are a liar smack
+out, as tell any one you are a twelfth man."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I told him that I believed him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's only your politeness," he went on; "in a week you will be
+talking about me as 'that man Ward who says he was twelfth man at
+Wellingham.'"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I sat in his rooms and listened to him talking until eleven o'clock;
+for almost the first time in my life I had nothing to say, and that
+must have been the reason why I felt amused and uncomfortable at the
+same time.  He seemed to know all sorts of people, and he spoke of them
+by their Christian names, which impressed me, and he referred to London
+as a place well enough to stay in for a time, but a terrible bore when
+one got accustomed to it.  Now I had only been to London three times,
+and one of those could hardly be said to count since it was to see a
+dentist.  As I went back to my rooms, I thought that my education had
+been neglected in many ways, and that Ward had been having a much
+better time than I had.  But I soon changed my mind and decided that he
+was the kind of fellow whom I should have thought a slacker at
+Cliborough, and I cannot put up with a man, who when he is doing one
+thing always wants to be doing another.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I got back to my rooms I found a letter from my uncle.  He was a
+bishop, and there had been trouble between us when I was a small boy at
+Cliborough; he had made jokes about me which I did not bear in silence.
+But he had spent a month of the summer holidays with us, and had told
+my mother that I had greatly improved; I thought the same thing about
+him, so we got on together very well.  I may as well say at once that I
+had laid siege to the bishop.  Instead of waiting for him to go for me
+I went for him, and my mother said that I had discovered the boy in the
+bishop.  If he was idle I employed him, and on his last day with us I
+finished off by making one hundred and thirty-six against him at stump
+cricket.  When he went away I had changed my opinion of him, but my
+father was annoyed that he could behave like a boy when it was time for
+me to forget that I was one.  "You are as silly as the bishop," became
+one of my father's favourite remarks, until my mother asked him to
+think of something which was not quite so rude.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The bishop had really been splendid while he was staying with us,
+because Nina, having arrived at the age of eighteen, was very difficult
+to please.  Some man in my brother's regiment had been down and said
+that her pug was an angel, and I being unable to reach such heights as
+that was compared to my disadvantage with this man.  I am nearly sure,
+too, that she wanted to flirt with Fred, quite regardless of the fact
+that he was no use at flirting, and I should have had something to say
+if he had been.  In a short year she had changed most dreadfully, and
+was no longer satisfied with being liked very much.  She was a puzzle
+to me, and had it not been for the bishop, who smoothed things over, I
+should probably have worried her far more than I did.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+His letter did not contain one word of cant; he just wished me good
+luck, and told me to write to him whenever I felt that he could be of
+use to me.  A less sensible man might have preached to me and talked
+about the "threshold of a career"; but, thank goodness, he knew what I
+wanted, and that if I had not made up my mind to let Oxford do
+something for me, I was hopeless from the start.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap02"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER II
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+INTERVIEWS
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+I soon found out that Jack Ward was of a most friendly disposition, for
+he came over to my rooms before ten o'clock the following morning and
+bounced in with an air of having known me all my life.  At the moment I
+was talking to a man called Murray, whose acquaintance I had made an
+hour before.  My introduction to Murray could hardly be called formal;
+he lived in the next rooms to me and at precisely the same time each of
+us had poked our heads into the passage and shouted for our scout.  We
+then looked at each other and laughed, and the deed was done.  I wish
+that I could have made all my friends at Oxford as easily; it would
+have saved so much time.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray was going as Ward came in, and they nodded and said
+"Good-morning" in the way men do when they don't altogether love one
+another.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You seem to know everybody," I said, without much reason, as soon as
+Murray had disappeared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't well help knowing that fellow, considering that he was at
+Wellingham with me for five years."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He didn't tell me he was at Wellingham."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He would have in another minute, and that he was captain of the school
+and the footer fifteen, and what he was fed on as a baby and how many
+muscles he had got in his big toe," Ward jerked out as he pulled
+furiously at his pipe, which he had already tried to light two or three
+times.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought he seemed a nice sort of man," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I expect you think everybody you see nice sort of men," he replied
+rather queerly, though he laughed as he spoke.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hope so; it is a jolly comfortable state to be in," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But a very dangerous one.  You must get awfully left."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I picked up <I>Wisden's Cricket Almanack</I>, which had been one of the
+things in my bag, and began to read it, for I had taken a fancy to
+Murray and did not see much use in listening to what I felt Ward wanted
+to say about him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will probably be friends with Murray for about a month, and then
+it will end with a snap," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can promise you that if I am friends with him for a month it won't
+end with a snap, even if his toes simply bulge with muscles," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If anybody warned you against a man you would take no notice."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It depends who warned me, and whom I was warned against.  And since it
+is no use pretending things," I added, "I don't see much wrong in a
+fellow because he happens to remember something about baby's food."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He might be a bore."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So may anybody," I answered, for Ward's persistence was beginning to
+annoy me.  He got up from his chair with a great laugh, and put his
+hands on my shoulders.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We mustn't begin by having a row with each other," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I stood up so that I could get rid of his hands, and felt inclined to
+say that I did not want to begin at all, but I stopped myself.  There
+was something in the man that attracted me.  I may be peculiar, but I
+like people who shake the furniture when they laugh, having suffered
+much from a master at Cliborough who never let himself go farther than
+a giggle.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose we must go and see these blessed dons.  They want to see us
+at half-past ten, don't they?" he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I looked at my watch and found that it was nearly eleven o'clock, so we
+bolted down-stairs and across the quadrangle as hard as we could.  It
+was a very bad start but I had completely forgotten that we had to go
+to the hall at half-past ten, and Ward gave me no comfort by saying
+that he did not suppose it mattered when we went as long as we turned
+up some time.  Dons would have to be very different from masters if
+that was the case, and as I imagined that they would be of much the
+same breed only glorified, I had no wish to begin by making them angry.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There were thirty or forty freshers in the hall when we got there, and
+a few dons sitting at the high table at the end of it.  Murray and two
+or three other men were up talking to them when I arrived, and I
+guessed that they were taking the scholars and exhibitioners
+alphabetically, and that I was too late for my turn; though Ward, who
+was a commoner and fortunate enough to begin with a W, was probably in
+heaps of time.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When Murray came down he told me that they had called out my name
+several times, which made me, quite unreasonably, feel angry with Ward,
+but presently they shouted for me again and I went up.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Though I felt rather agitated as I walked up the hall and saw these
+gowned people waiting for me, the idea flitted across my mind that they
+looked most extremely like a row of rooks sitting on a long stick.  My
+prevailing impression as I approached them was one of beak, they seemed
+to me like a lot of benevolent and expectant birds.  As a matter of
+fact this impression was false, and I got it because I was looking at
+the Warden&mdash;as the Head of St. Cuthbert's was called&mdash;and not at the
+group of dons on each side of him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Warden was a little man whose head had apparently sunk down into
+his neck and got a tilt forward in the process.  His eyes were grey and
+shrewd, the sort of eyes which one watches to see the signs of the
+times; his nose, being that of the Warden, I will only call prominent,
+and he had a habit of passing his hand over his mouth and chin, which
+was merely a habit, but suggested to me at first sight that he was
+pleased with his morning shave.  He was nearly sixty years old, and
+when he wanted to be nice his efforts were not intelligible to
+everybody, but there was no mistaking him when he really wished to be
+nasty.  However, he was one of those men who are spoken of at Oxford as
+having European reputations, and possibly the burden of an European
+reputation gives the owner of it a right to behave differently from
+ordinary people who have no reputation at all, or if they have one
+would prefer that it should be forgotten.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Warden held out a hand to me and almost winced at my manner of
+grasping it.  My father always said that he knew a man by his
+hand-shake, but I ought to have been wise enough to spare the Warden.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I was in doubt whether or no we were to have the privilege of seeing
+you this morning.  Perhaps the fatigues of a long journey by rail
+caused you to remain in your bedroom for a longer time than is usual,
+or indeed beneficial."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was on the point of saying that I had been up at eight o'clock, when
+it occurred to me that an apology would be shorter than an explanation,
+so I mumbled that I was very sorry for being late.  My chief desire was
+to get away from an atmosphere which I found overpowering.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had to listen to some more remarks from the Warden, all of which were
+spun out in his extraordinary way, and at last I was introduced to my
+tutor, Mr. Gilbert Edwardes, who took me on one side and set to work
+telling me what lectures I was to attend.  I think he meant to be
+friendly but he had a dreadfully stiff manner, and I am sure that he
+found it very difficult to unbend.  He reminded me most strongly of a
+shirt with too much starch in it, or whatever it is that makes shirts
+as stiff as boards.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Later on in the day I went to see him in his rooms in college and he
+gave me a little advice and exhorted me to work.  It was all a
+cut-and-dried sort of affair which did not appeal to any feelings I
+had, but since he was my tutor I thought I had better tell him
+something about myself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He was even smaller than the Warden and quite the most prim-looking man
+I have ever beheld.  His face was colourless and smooth, and as I sat
+opposite him in his gloomy room he looked so tidy and sure of himself
+that I found a great difficulty in speaking to him.  Having said the
+usual things he was very obviously expecting me to go, but I did not
+want him to begin by thinking that I was a saint, though why I imagined
+that he was in any danger of thinking so I cannot explain.  He had,
+however, said so much about work and the great care I must take in
+avoiding men who distracted me from my duty, that I thought I had
+better tell him that I was a very human being.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I never remember having twiddled my thumbs before but I caught myself
+doing it in his room.  He was so placid and demure that I could not
+imagine that he had ever done a foolish thing in his life.  It was
+impossible for me to think that he had ever been young, and I wanted
+him to know that I was both young and foolish.  He must have known the
+one and I expect he guessed the other, but at any rate my intention was
+to begin fair.  Then whatever happened he would not be able to say that
+I had not warned him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But he made me so nervous that I did not get the right words, and I
+made him look more like a poker then ever.  "Thanks, most awfully," I
+began, and it was a bad beginning, "for all your advice.  But I want to
+tell you that I do the most stupid things without meaning to do them.
+I mean that they only strike me as being stupid after I have done them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mr. Edwardes made noises in his throat which sounded like a succession
+of "Ahems," and I floundered on: "I am afraid it is very hard for me
+not to like amusing myself as much as possible, but of course I will
+try to work and all that sort of thing as well."  He stood up when I
+got as far as that and smiled at me, but I cannot say that he seemed to
+be pleased.  "I thought I had better tell you, so that you would know,"
+I added before I left him, and I went away with the hopeless feeling
+that I had made a complete idiot of myself.  I hated Mr. Edwardes as I
+went back across the quadrangle, for I felt that I had tried to take
+him into my confidence and that he had responded by getting rid of me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I reached my rooms my luggage had arrived and I let off steam&mdash;so
+to speak&mdash;by having a dispute with the man who had brought it.  I did
+not get the best of that dispute, but I did make an effort to practise
+the economy which my people had advised, and Clarkson saw me in a rage,
+which must have been very good for him.  For a solid hour I unpacked
+things which I had thought beautiful in my study at Cliborough and put
+them about my room, but somehow or other most of them did not seem as
+beautiful as I had thought them, and there was a picture&mdash;I had won it
+in a shilling raffle, and been very proud of it&mdash;which filled me with
+sorrow.  It had been painted by the sister of a fellow at Cliborough,
+and when he was frightfully hard-up he arranged a raffle, and everybody
+said I was jolly lucky to win it.  I was even bid fifteen shillings for
+the picture by the original owner, but as I suspected that he wanted to
+get up another raffle I refused the offer.  When I saw the thing
+hanging on my wall I wished that I had not been such a fool.  Having
+got the thing I did not like to waste it, but if some one would have
+come in and stuck a knife into it I should have been very pleased.  The
+name of this burden was "A Last Night at Sea," and the subjects
+represented were a small boat and two or three people huddled together
+at one end of it, while in the middle of the boat a woman with long
+streaming hair was stretching out her arms towards a terrific wave.  If
+I had not remembered the name it might not have been so bad, but under
+the circumstances no one could say that it was a cheerful thing to live
+with.  I suppose the satisfaction of having it in my study at
+Cliborough had been enough, for I did not recollect having looked at it
+before, and when a lot of fellows are swarming around saying what a
+lucky chap you are to have won a thing, it is not very likely to give
+you the blues then, whatever it may have in store for you afterwards.
+I turned "A Last Night at Sea" with its face to the wall and went on
+decorating my room.  Photographs of my father and mother which I put on
+my mantelpiece made me feel rather better, but Nina resplendent in a
+green plush frame made me think again.  I had been very proud of that
+frame some years before when Nina had given it to me; she had sold two
+rabbits and borrowed sixpence from Miss Read, her governess, to buy it,
+and it had never occurred to me that I could grow out of my admiration
+for green plush.  The question of what to do with it puzzled me
+tremendously; I didn't want to treat Nina badly but the frame was an
+abomination.  Fortunately there was a ring attached to the frame and I
+hung it up in a dark corner, but I promised myself that it should come
+out the following morning.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had just sat down to survey my labours when Murray came in and
+proposed we should go for a walk in the town, and as I was perfectly
+sick of my room I was quite ready to go.  Although the time was barely
+four o'clock and the sun doesn't set for another hour in the middle of
+October, it was half dark and drizzling with rain as we walked down
+Turl Street and came into The High.  But I had got rid of my gloom and
+was eager to spend money.  I did not quite know what I wanted but that
+was not of much consequence.  We went into a shop which seemed to be
+exactly the place for any one who wished to buy things, and did not
+care much what he bought.  Before I came out of it I had bought two
+chairs, a standard lamp, a small book-case, an enormous bowl&mdash;which got
+in my way for two years until somebody smashed it&mdash;a tea-set, a small
+table and half-a-dozen china shepherdesses.  I then went to other shops
+and made more purchases, while Murray looked on and smiled until I was
+waylaid by an accommodating man in the Cornmarket, who wanted to sell
+me a fox-terrier pup, and was ready to keep it for me if I had no place
+for it; and then I was told not to be a fool.  That man's opinion of
+Murray is not worth mentioning.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When we got back to college it was past five o'clock, and between us we
+managed to find everything that was necessary for tea.  I had a fire in
+my room, but Murray had not one in his; he had tea-cups, but I had
+none; while I had things to eat, which our cook at home had declared
+would be useful and I had most reluctantly brought with me.  We were in
+the middle of this very substantial meal when Fred Foster came in, and
+from his glance round my room I saw that he thought it was a fairly
+dismal spot.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Rather like an up-stairs dungeon," I said.  "Have you got a better
+place than this?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is bigger and not so stuffy," he answered; "but it won't make you
+very jealous."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You wait until I have got all the things I have just bought, and then
+you will think this no end of a place," I remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If any one can get inside," Murray put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It will be rather a squash," I admitted; "I've spent over twelve
+pounds already."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's just the sort of thing you would do," Foster said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We sat and talked for an hour until Ward burst in, knocking and opening
+the door at the same moment.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray and Foster had been getting on splendidly together, but directly
+Ward came they hardly said a word.  Possibly they did not get much
+chance, but any one could see that Foster had taken a dislike to Ward
+at sight.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray went away very soon and left the three of us together.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've been over to Woodstock in a dog-cart with Bunny Langham and Bob
+Fraser," Ward said.  "By Jove, that cob of Bunny's can move.  We got
+back in five-and-twenty minutes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As I didn't know how far it was to Woodstock and didn't care, I said
+nothing, so Ward went on, "Bunny's a rare good sort; you ought to meet
+him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What college is he at?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At the House&mdash;Christchurch, you know."  I did know, and thought the
+explanation cheek.  "I have hired a gee from Carter's to-morrow, and am
+going to drive over to Abingdon with Bunny, will you come?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"To-morrow's Sunday," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, there is nothing else to do.  The better the day the&mdash;&mdash;"  But I
+interrupted him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't talk rot, I hate those things.  Are you going in a dog-cart?" I
+asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, it is Bunny's cart."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am jolly well not going to sit on the back seat of a dog-cart if I
+can help it; I would rather go about in a perambulator," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are so confoundedly particular," he went on with a great guffaw of
+laughter, "but since it is Bunny's cart and I am going to drive I don't
+see how we can offer you any other seat."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who the blazes is Bunny?" I asked, for his name was beginning to get
+on my nerves, and Fred Foster sitting as dumb as a mute was enough to
+upset any one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I know him at home, his father is the Marquis of Tillford and his real
+name is Lord Augustus Langham, only his teeth stick out and every one
+calls him Bunny," Ward answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Heaps of money?" I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Plenty, I should think."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then he is no use to me, though he may be the best fellow in the
+world," I declared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a rum 'un, why he is just the sort of man who is some use."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That depends," Foster said suddenly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, it depends," I repeated, though I didn't know exactly what
+depended.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What depends?" Ward asked Foster.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, if a man hasn't got much money it is no use knowing a lot of men
+who have got no end."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It never struck me that way.  Perhaps you are right," and then turning
+to me, he added, "Come to breakfast anyhow to-morrow morning, Bunny
+won't be there then."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I promised to go, and then he left us.  I walked back to Oriel with
+Foster and he had got a lot to say about Jack Ward.  "Where in the
+world did you find that man?" was his first remark after we were alone.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He found me," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should lose him as soon as possible," Fred went on.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think that would be very easy," I answered, "and I don't
+believe he is a bad sort really."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'll bet he never came back from Woodstock in five-and-twenty
+minutes," Foster said.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap03"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER III
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+If I had to describe in detail the first two or three weeks of my life
+at Oxford, I think that accusations might be brought against me of
+having eaten too much, or at any rate too often.  Fortunately I had a
+good digestion, I cannot imagine the fate of a dyspeptic freshman if he
+had to attend a series of Oxford breakfasts.  I have, however, only
+once encountered a fresher who suffered from dyspepsia, and if there
+was any other man so afflicted at St. Cuthbert's he probably did not
+admit his complaint.  For we were supposed to be very cultivated at St.
+Cuthbert's, and at that time it was not good form to hold a roll-call
+of our diseases at breakfast, to discuss surgical operations at
+luncheon, and to provide tales of sea-sickness by way of humour at
+dinner.  We kept our complaints to ourselves and were in truth more
+than a little ashamed of them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+St. Cuthbert's had a reputation of its own.  Men in other colleges
+criticized us very freely.  They said that we were prigs, that the
+'Varsity boat would never be any good as long as there was a St.
+Cuthbert's man in it, and other pleasant things which did not annoy me,
+since I, having been a butt for much personal criticism all my life,
+can even get some satisfaction from finding that a crowd of other
+people are as bad as I am.  Besides, we had nearly one hundred and
+fifty men at St. Cuthbert's, and I thought it was absolutely stupid to
+say we were all prigs and that none of us could row.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The truth of the matter was, as far as I could judge, that at St.
+Cuthbert's there were often a large number of clever men, and clever
+men when young can get on one's nerves most terribly.  It is all right
+for men to be clever when they are old or even middle-aged, then
+allowances are made for them and they may be as odd as they please.
+But if any one happens to be clever when he is at Oxford, he will have
+to watch himself closely or he will be called either a genius or a
+lunatic, and the one is almost as fatal as the other.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In a college as large as St. Cuthbert's it was natural that there
+should be a number of different sets.  We had several men who are best
+described by the word "bloods"; two or three of them belonged to the
+Bullingdon, a few of them to Vincent's, of which Club most of "the
+blues" in the 'Varsity were members, and nearly all had plenty of money
+and every one of them lived as if they had plenty.  I cannot call them
+athletic, though they and the really athletic set were more or less
+mixed up together.  We had also a very serious set who, I thought, gave
+themselves far too many airs.  Perhaps serious is not quite the right
+word to apply to them, for one of this gang wrote a comic opera and
+another wrote a farce; but these were just thrown out in their spare
+time, and when I attended a reading of the libretto of the comic opera
+I went so fast asleep that I cannot say how comic it was.  But if it
+had been very funny I should think some one would have laughed loud
+enough to wake me up.  Generally speaking this set seemed to be bent on
+the reformation of England, a thing which has happened once and is
+rather a difficult matter for a college debating society to bring about
+again.  The reformation which they were bent upon was not, however,
+religious, for they thought little of the religion which satisfies
+ordinary people.  One of them told me that religion was merely
+emotional and sentimental, a crutch for a weak man, and went on to say
+that their scheme was moral and social, a cry for a better life and
+against the oppression of the poor.  That man bored me terribly, but
+since one of his own set had told me that he was the cleverest man in
+Oxford I did not like to tell him what I thought.  Besides I was only a
+fresher who had not yet looked around, and he was the first man I had
+met who was the cleverest man in Oxford, though I met several others
+afterwards who had arrived at the same peak of distinction.  I even got
+so weary of meeting this particular brand of man that I asked Jack Ward
+to help me along my way by spreading a report that I was a most
+promising poet, but he said that no one who had ever seen me would
+believe him.  He meant to be complimentary, I believe.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It was into this medley of sets that I was plunged headlong.  Crowds of
+men called upon me and asked me to meals.  Some of them wanted to know
+me because I played cricket and football, the captain of the college
+boat called because he wanted me to row, some of the "bloods" left
+cards on me because they had seen me walking about with Jack Ward, whom
+they had marked down as one of themselves.  A few men called from other
+colleges who had known me at Cliborough, or had been asked to see
+something of me because their people knew mine.  I got to know the
+oddest lot of men imaginable, and as long as they looked clean and did
+not try to rush me into helping them to reform the world, I liked them
+all.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But in spite of Ward, who pretended that Rugby football was an
+overrated amusement, I wanted to belong to the athletic set, and I
+started by playing footer in a thing which is most correctly called
+"The Freshers' Squash."  In this struggle any fresher who had never
+played rugger in his life, but thought he would like some exercise,
+could play, while footer blues dodged round and took your names, if you
+were lucky enough to touch the ball, and booked you for the proper
+game.  On the following day I played back in the real freshers' match,
+and was most tremendously encouraged before I started by hearing one
+man say to another that I had come up with a big reputation from
+Cliborough.  Perhaps I was encouraged too much, or possibly I had eaten
+too heavy a luncheon, for whatever reputation I might have had before
+the game began, was effectually dispersed before we had finished
+playing; and Foster, who was playing three-quarters on the other side,
+was the man who assisted me in this dismally easy task.  Four times he
+came right away from everybody, and once he slipped down in front of
+me, but on the other three occasions he simply swerved away from me and
+I missed him by yards.  The man who had been full back to the 'Varsity
+XV. the year before had gone down, and Foster had put into my head the
+idea that I ought to have a jolly good chance of getting my blue.  This
+match was a very rude blow, and when I put on my coat and walked out of
+the parks I felt that I had been very badly treated.  I was not at all
+sure with whom I was most angry, but I had a general feeling that
+whatever I tried to do went most hopelessly wrong, and that I was much
+better fitted to sit in a dog-cart with Jack Ward, than I was to stand
+up in a footer-field and be made a fool of by Fred Foster.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As luck would have it the first man I saw when I went into the college
+was Ward, and he shouted with laughter when he saw me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I went down to the parks to see you," he said, "but for heaven's sake
+don't look so down on your luck.  I don't see that it matters, there
+are other things worth doing besides trying to collar impossible
+people.  If you don't have to play again I shall think you are
+thundering well out of it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+If anybody had said this to me at school I should have thought that he
+was mad, but during the few days I had been at Oxford I had somehow or
+other got hopelessly mixed up.  Foster wanted me to do one thing,
+Murray advised me to do another, Ward kept on asking me to slack, and a
+fellow called Dennison, whom I had met several times, seemed to think
+that Oxford was a tremendous joke and that the most amusing people in
+it were the dons.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At any rate I was not in the least angry at Ward's way of taking my
+wretched exhibition, so I asked him and Dennison and two or three other
+freshers, who were standing around in the quad, to come and have tea
+with me, and that tea was the beginning of my first big row.  I had not
+finished my bath when I was sorry I had asked them, for I remembered
+that before the game had begun Foster had asked me to go round
+afterwards to see him, and I had a sort of feeling that if he had made
+an idiot of himself, and I had caused him to do so, he would have most
+certainly not been as angry as I was.  However, I had let myself in for
+this tea and had to go through with it, and I must say that it was very
+good fun.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+If, as some wit said, only a dull man can be brilliant at breakfast, it
+seems to me that if the converse of this is true St. Cuthbert's must
+have contained an extraordinary number of brilliant men.  The
+amusements of a breakfast given by a senior man to half-a-dozen
+freshers were principally food and silence.  It is, I think, dreadfully
+difficult to talk to a batch of freshers, and only one man, as far as
+my experience went, overcame the difficulty.  He resorted to the simple
+means of telling us what a wonderful man he was.  But when we were
+alone we chattered like a lot of starlings, every one talked and no one
+listened, so we got on well together.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward and Dennison came up to my rooms before I was dressed, and two
+other men, Lambert and Collier, arrived soon afterwards.  It was a
+party of which Ward strongly approved.  While I was trying to make the
+kettle boil, I heard Dennison say that we were the pick of the
+freshers, a statement which no one was very likely to deny.  I felt
+badly in need of some tonic after my afternoon, and I swallowed the one
+provided by Dennison without any hesitation, not stopping to wonder how
+often he had said the same thing to other men.  As a matter-of-fact we
+were rather an odd lot to be the pick of anybody.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison looked younger than any boy in the sixth form at Cliborough,
+and he could, on occasions, blush most bashfully.  His blush was,
+however, the only bashful thing about him and he used it very seldom.
+Ward had told me that although Dennison looked such a kid he knew a
+tremendous lot.  I discovered this for myself later on, but I cannot
+say that his knowledge was the kind which is difficult to acquire.  He
+professed a wholesale contempt for any game at which he could get his
+mouth full of dirt, and said that he would as soon make mud-pies as
+play football.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Lambert was hugely tall and walked with a stride which was as long as
+it was stately.  He went in for dressing himself beautifully, strummed
+on the banjo, and had a playful little habit of arranging his tie in
+any mirror which he saw.  His pride in himself was so monstrously open
+that no one with a grain of humour could be angry with him.  He talked
+about every game under the sun as if they were all equally easy to him,
+but I should not think that any one was ever found who believed half of
+what he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Collier's great point was the beam which he kept on his face, he always
+looked so perfectly delighted to see you that he was a most effective
+cure for depression.  He was fat and did not mind, which persuaded me
+that he was very easy to please.  Nature had prevented him from playing
+football with any success, but for six or seven overs, on a cool day,
+he was reported to be a dangerous fast bowler.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As Jack Ward thought that no ball yet made was worth worrying when he
+could ride, drive, or even be driven, and since I was feeling about as
+sick with footer as it is possible for any one who had got a love for
+the game in him to be, I confess that we were a peculiar lot to think
+much of ourselves.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My room was not made to hold five people, who, with the exception of
+Dennison, were all either very broad or long, but a good honest squash
+certainly makes for friendship.  We were a fairly rowdy party, because
+Lambert had brought his banjo and as soon as he had finished tea he
+wanted to sing; in fact it may be said of him that he was always
+wanting to sing and could never find any one who wished to listen to
+him.  I had already heard him sing some sentimental rubbish about
+meeting by moonlight and another thing about stars and souls, and I
+threw a cushion at his head as soon as he began to make some noise
+which he called "tuning up."  That began a cushion fight, which
+resulted in two china shepherdesses, a small lamp, and some teacups
+being smashed, but it persuaded Lambert that he could not sing whenever
+he felt inclined.  We all sat down again, and Ward, who had been
+hanging on to the standard lamp while cushions had been flying around,
+said to me&mdash;
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You did look down on your luck when I saw you in the quad.  I can't
+think why anybody should take these wretched games so seriously; it
+seems to me a perfectly rotten thing to do."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No game is worth playing in which it matters to any one else whether
+you win or lose," Dennison said before I had a chance to answer Ward;
+"the only games a self-respecting man can play are court tennis,
+racquets and golf.  Then there is no one to swear at you except
+yourself."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's rubbish," I answered.  "Half the fun of the thing is belonging
+to a side, and a man must be mad to say that golf is a better game than
+cricket."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison wasn't trying to make out that golf is better than cricket,
+but was just saying what games a man can play without being sworn at as
+if he were a coolie," Ward said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I refuse to take amusements seriously," Dennison continued.  "I would
+sooner shout with laughter at a funeral than lose my temper playing a
+game."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The sweetest thing on earth," I said, "is to catch a fast half-volley
+to leg plumb in the middle of the bat."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It isn't in the same street with a comic opera at the Savoy after a
+good dinner," Lambert remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At any rate it doesn't last so long," Dennison, who had a queer idea
+of what was funny, put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A punt, good cushions, June, and a novel by one of those people who
+make you feel sleepy, are hard to beat," Collier stated.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a Sybarite," Dennison said, "and you will be a disappointed
+one before long.  All we do here in the summer is to give our relations
+strawberries and cream and run with our college eight."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How do you know?" Collier asked, but to so searching a question he got
+no reply.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The finest sight in the world is a thoroughbred horse," Ward said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You must have gone about with your eyes shut," Dennison declared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't sit there talking rot," I said.  "If anything ever pleases you,
+tell us what it is."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My greatest pleasure is in polite conversation," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, you are a sarcastic idiot," I retorted, for people who are
+afflicted by thinking themselves funny when I think they are idiotic
+always make me rude.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison never says what he means," Ward explained, "it is a little
+habit of his."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why can't you talk straight, it's much simpler, and doesn't make me
+feel so horribly uncomfortable?" I asked, turning to Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Marten is getting angry," was the only answer I received, and it was
+so near the truth that I wanted to pick him up and drop him in the
+passage.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward, however, calmed my feelings by saying that he could not imagine
+any one troubling to be angry with Dennison.  "The one thing he prides
+himself on is getting a rise out of people, and we aren't such fools as
+he thinks us."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And he is a much bigger fool than he thinks," Collier said solemnly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a nice complimentary lot," Dennison remarked, smiling amiably
+upon us.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's your own fault," Collier continued; "you try to be clever and
+succeed in being confoundedly dull.  I was at school with him for five
+years and I know his only strong point is that the more you abuse him
+the more he likes you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm fairly in love with you, Coalheaver," Dennison said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Naturally, but you might forget that very witty name."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm going," Lambert declared, "for I'm dining in hall, and if I don't
+go for a walk those kromeskis and quenelles will choke me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Half a minute," and Ward pushed Lambert back into his seat; "now we
+are all here, I think we had better arrange a freshers' wine.  There
+always is one, and nobody will get it up if we don't, so I vote we do
+the thing properly."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Every one seemed to approve of the idea, but as I was no use at making
+arrangements I suggested that Ward should manage the whole business.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can order everything, but we must have a committee to choose the
+people we shall ask and all that part of it.  We can't ask everybody,"
+Ward said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Half of them won't come if we do.  I should think we had better ask
+the whole lot, and then we shall know what they are made of," Lambert
+advised.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We shan't have a room big enough to hold them," Collier said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After that we all began to talk, and though I had only a hazy notion of
+what we decided, I heard enough to know that Ward and Dennison meant
+having this wine in about ten days and only intended to ask the
+freshers whom they liked.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap04"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER IV
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+UNEXPECTED PEOPLE
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The idea of working for Mr. Gilbert Edwardes never had much attraction
+for me, and for the first two or three weeks at Oxford I found it very
+difficult to satisfy him.  However, the excuse that I took a long time
+to settle down in a fresh place did not seem as reasonable to him as it
+did to me, so I had to abandon it and try to appease him.  The worst of
+him was that I never knew whether he was pleased or not; he accepted my
+most determined efforts at scholarship as a matter of course and
+reserved his eloquence for the occasions on which my work showed
+symptoms of haste.  In less than a fortnight I felt that my tutor and I
+were watching each other, an element of distrust seemed to have sprung
+up; he took it for granted that I would do as little as possible, while
+I was searching for something which could tell me that he was human as
+well as learned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I could not understand him in the least, for I had been accustomed to
+masters who talked about things of which I knew a little even if they
+were bored by doing so; but when I met Mr. Edwardes I felt that he
+belonged to the ice period, and that he would think the smallest thaw a
+waste of time.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I do like a human being, I mean a man who lets you know something about
+him and does not barricade himself against you.  But a man who puts up
+the shutters in front of his virtues and faults bothers me most
+terribly, and I always seem to be bumping my head against something
+invisible whenever I see him, which is a most disconcerting performance.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mr. Edwardes was also Murray's tutor, but Murray was not afflicted, as
+I was, with the desire to know people more than they wanted to be
+known, and he told me that if I would only take Edwardes as I found him
+we should get on together splendidly.  In spite of Jack Ward, I saw
+Murray every day, and the more I knew of him the more I liked him.  He
+was in my room one evening after Ward had arranged that we were to have
+a freshers' wine, and I asked him if he was coming to it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't go unless I am asked," he said, "and I shan't go now if I am
+asked."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I resolved to say a few things to Ward, but I did not know what to say
+to Murray.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ward is asking everybody he wants, isn't he?" he inquired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes it was left to him and Dennison, I believe."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then I am not likely to be invited, for he and I never could do
+anything but have rows with each other at Wellingham."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What about?" I asked, for Murray had never said much about Ward to me
+and I wanted to hear his side of the quarrel.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It isn't worth repeating," he answered.  "I was head of the school and
+Ward thought a friend of his ought to have seen.  He thinks I am a smug
+because I have to work, and I suppose I think he is a fool because he
+thinks I am a smug.  He is a queer sort, and it is hopeless for me to
+try to be friends with him, even if I wanted to be, and I don't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is a fairly good cricketer, isn't he?" I asked, for I had
+discovered that when Murray had once made up his mind no efforts of
+mine would change it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, he would have got into the XI. quite easily only he was so slack,
+and the master who looked after our cricket couldn't stand him.  It was
+rather a swindle that he didn't get into the team all the same."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hate slackers," I said, and to prove it I set to work on some Homer
+for Edwardes.  Murray got his books and we slaved together for nearly
+two hours, when a most timid knock sounded on my door, and a man came
+in who seemed to be most fearfully nervous.  He was carrying a gown and
+a cap in his hand, and he looked at Murray, who was not at all an
+alarming sight, as if he had encountered a wild man from one of those
+regions where wild men are bred.  I had never had much practice at
+putting any one at their ease, for most people hit me on the back and
+call me "old fellow" far too soon; but I tried very hard to calm my
+visitor, and though it was six o'clock I asked him to have tea and
+every conceivable other thing I could think of, all of which he
+refused.  He told me his name was Owen, but apart from that I knew
+nothing, and the more he fidgeted with the tassel of his cap the more I
+wondered why he had come.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray, however, guessed that he was in the way and hurried off as soon
+as he could.  Then Owen made two or three unsuccessful efforts to
+begin, until I felt that I must offer him something more, only I had
+nothing left to offer.  The man who said that hospitality covers a
+multitude of emotions went nearer the mark than most of those
+word-turning people do.  But at last it all came out in jerks, and I
+felt most thoroughly sorry for him; if I had been in his place I am
+certain I should never have faced such an ordeal.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I didn't like to tell you why I had come before your friend," he
+began; and he still twisted his cap round and round by the tassel.  "I
+suppose a sort of false modesty prevented me, but I might just as well
+have spoken before him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Murray is a most awfully good sort," I said lamely, for I wanted to
+help him so much that my head felt hot and I could not think.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I expect he is," Owen went on, "but I haven't come to be friends with
+your friends.  I only wanted to see you, and the reason is that over
+twenty years ago in India your father saved my father's life."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did feel relieved when he told me that, for I had been imagining that
+he was the kind of man who is known as a freak, and had come to win me
+over to some stupid crank which he would call a noble cause.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am most tremendously glad you have come," I said, and then I began
+talking about my father's old regiment, and Owen could not get a word
+in until I had finished.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't understand," he said, as soon as he got a chance; "when you
+talk about a regiment you only think of the officers, my father was one
+of the men."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't see what that matters as long as his life was saved."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It does matter," Owen replied; "it matters here very much, where there
+is not much liberality except in offering meals and things not wanted."
+I moved my feet and kicked the fender, the fire-irons jangled together
+and he went on: "I ought not to have said that, it is my blundering way
+to say the thing I oughtn't; what I meant was that Oxford is not very
+liberal to a man like I am, who is here by hard work, and not because
+his fathers and grandfathers were here before him.  It is impossible in
+a place of sets&mdash;social, athletic, and all the rest&mdash;for a man who has
+to work to keep himself, to be treated in the same way as you, for
+instance, are treated.  I am not what the world calls a gentleman."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, confound the world," I said, "it is always mixed up in my mind
+with the flesh and the devil," and as Owen did not say anything for a
+minute I asked him what college he was at.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am unattached, St. Catherine's if you like; we are called 'The
+Toshers,'" he answered, and there was a note of bitterness in his
+voice.  "Of course," he went on, "I am boring you to death, but I must
+say that I should never have come to see you if my father had not made
+me promise that I would.  He takes a tremendous interest in both your
+brother and you; he knows the place your brother passed into Sandhurst
+and where he was in the list when he went out, and last summer he
+watched for your name in <I>The Sportsman</I>, and when you got any wickets
+he was as pleased as Punch.  He writes to Colonel Marten still."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wished I could have said that my father had mentioned him to me, but
+if I had I am certain that Owen would have seen that I was not telling
+the truth.  "My father," I tried to explain, "never talks about
+anything he has done.  If your father had saved his life I should have
+heard of it a hundred times."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have the knack of saying the right thing, I shall never get that
+if I live to be a hundred;" and then he stood up, and putting a hand on
+the mantel-piece looked at the photographs of my people, but he did not
+say what he thought about them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If I did say the right thing, it was a most fearful fluke," I said,
+for I could not be silent.  "I simply hate men who walk about patting
+themselves on the back because they have had what they call success
+with a remark."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He did not listen to what I was saying, but stood staring into the
+fire; at last he turned round and held out a hand to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I must thank you," he began; "and there is one other thing I have got
+to ask you before I say good-bye.  My father asked me to make you
+promise that you would never mention what I have told you about his
+life being saved by your father, or anything about him.  It seems to be
+a sort of compact, I don't understand it.  He doesn't want your people
+to know anything about me, but only you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I promised, of course, but I felt rather bothered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We may meet some day in the street," he said, and he pushed his hand
+into mine; but I let it go, and told him to sit down again.  For this
+last speech of his was annoying, he had evidently got a wrong idea of
+me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is no use talking rot," I said.  "To begin with, what on earth have
+you got to thank me for?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If Colonel Marten hadn't saved my father's life, I should never have
+been born," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you have come to thank me for that?" I said, and I did not mean to
+be rude.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I was told to, you see," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I looked at him and we both laughed, though I went on laughing long
+after he had stopped.  The idea of me being thanked for anybody's
+existence was beautifully comic.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is very good of you to have come," I said, as soon as I could; "but
+I don't deserve any thanks and you know that I don't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You haven't got much to do with it, perhaps, but you were here and I
+should never have been forgiven if I hadn't come to see you.  I shan't
+come again."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, bosh," I replied.  "What's the good of talking stuff like that?
+Of course you will come again, and I am coming to see you, if I may.
+How long have you been up here?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This is the beginning of my third year."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What did you get in Mods?" I asked, for I felt sure that he had done
+well.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A First," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wish I had.  Where do you live?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't tell you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You may just as well, for I shall easily find out."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He stood up again, and talked as he strode up and down my room.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have been here two years," he began, "and I know that it is
+impossible for us to be friends; and when you have thought it over you
+will think as I do.  My father teaches fencing and boxing in London; I
+was educated at a school you never heard of; I am helped here by an old
+gentleman who discovered that I was more or less intelligent.  He has a
+mania for experiments, and I am his latest hobby.  Have I said enough
+to put you off, or must I go on?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose I can please myself when I choose my friends," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That you most certainly can't do here," he answered.  "Let me alone
+and I won't bother you any more.  Good-night, your bell is going for
+dinner."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He walked straight out of my room, and before he had closed the door
+Jack Ward rushed in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who is that man?" he asked at once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am not going to tell you," I answered, for I wanted time to think.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well he is a funny-looking Johnny anyway, looks as pale as a codfish
+and as solemn as a boiled owl.  You do collect an odd set of friends;
+there's that man Foster, who seems to be deaf and dumb, and Murray, who
+gives me the blues whenever I see him, and then this apparition."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You can just shut up jawing," I answered, as I hunted round for my
+gown; "when I want you to criticize my friends I will tell you.
+Foster's worth about ten billion of you any day."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was very angry, but Ward only laughed and told me to hurry up unless
+I wanted the soup to be cold.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We are going to have a little roulette in my rooms to-night," he said,
+as we walked across the quad.  "Will you come?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, I won't," I answered, and I let him go into the hall first, and as
+soon as he had chosen his seat I got as far from him as I could.  I saw
+him talking to Collier, and they seemed to be amused, which did not
+lessen my annoyance.  If the freshers' wine had been held on that
+evening, I am very nearly sure that I should not have gone to it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After dinner I waylaid Murray, and dragged him off to see Foster at
+Oriel.  Two days before Foster had been playing rugger for the 'Varsity
+against the London Scottish, and I had neither seen the game, because I
+had to play in a college match on the same afternoon, nor had I seen
+him since.  I wanted to hear whether he was satisfied with himself, but
+I wanted also to tell him about Owen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We found him in the college lodge talking to a whole lot of men, but as
+soon as he saw us he grabbed one man and took us to his rooms.  I did
+not want this fourth fellow, but since he was there I must say that
+Foster could not have got any one nicer.  His name was Henderson, and
+he had been so successful as captain of his school cricket XI. that he
+had played three times for Somersetshire during August.  His legs and
+arms were extraordinarily long and his face was covered with freckles;
+one freckle had placed itself on the tip of his nose and I did not get
+accustomed to it for a long time&mdash;it was the sort of thing which one
+kept on looking at to see if it was still there.  He would not talk
+about his cricket, except to say that he should not have played for
+Somersetshire if half the regular team had not been laid up, and he
+kept on clamouring to play whist, so that at last we gave way to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had a good opinion of my whist, though how I arrived at it I cannot
+explain.  Henderson was my partner and he seemed to me to do the most
+odd things.  For instance when I led a spade and he took the trick,
+instead of leading another spade he would begin some fresh suit, which
+made me wonder what in the world he was doing.  And he did not seem to
+think his trumps half as valuable as I thought mine, but just led them
+whenever he felt inclined.  When Nina, Foster and I played whist it was
+considered pretty bad form to lead trumps when we had anything else to
+lead, and we kept them for a big outburst at the finish.  I pitied
+myself considerably for having Henderson as a partner, and I was very
+surprised to see Murray doing the same odd sort of things.  So at the
+end of one rubber Foster and I played together, but I cannot say that
+we had much luck, and just at the end I made a revoke which Murray was
+brute enough to notice.  When Henderson had gone I said that he seemed
+to be a rare good sort, but it was a pity he did not know a little more
+about whist.  I hoped Murray would take that remark partly to himself,
+because at the end of every hand he had talked to Henderson about what
+might have happened if he had led a different card, and sometimes he
+even went on jawing when he had got his fresh hand, which quite put me
+off my game.  But all Murray did was to laugh, while Foster said to me
+that he was afraid our way of playing whist was all wrong, and I had
+some difficulty in persuading him that it was not.  Then Murray said
+something about reading Cavendish carefully, but I had heard some one
+say that Cavendish was out of date, so I borrowed this man's opinion
+and expressed it as my own, which amused Murray so much that if I had
+not been sorry for him I believe I should have lost my temper.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At last, however, we stopped discussing whist, and after I had made
+Foster and Murray swear they would tell no one else, I gave them an
+account of Owen coming to see me.  Before I began Foster declared that
+the reason I bound them to keep my secret was because I wanted to tell
+it to every one myself.  In fact he expected the whole thing to be some
+miserable little affair, for I had a habit, which I have since
+abandoned, of extracting the most terrific promises of secrecy from my
+friends and then telling them something which they did not think as
+important as I did.  I started that game because I had once told
+something really funny to a lot of fellows at Cliborough, and they went
+and spread it about so quickly that I could never find any one else who
+did not know it, which was simply nothing less than a fraud.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But as soon as I had got fairly into my tale I saw that both Foster and
+Murray were interested, and at the end of it I asked them what I was to
+do.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you think he meant that he wouldn't have anything more to do with
+you, or that he just wanted to show you that he would leave you to
+decide what was to happen next?" Murray asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know what he meant," I answered.  "He seemed to be in a rage
+with the whole of Oxford, only it was not a noisy sort of rage but a
+kind of smouldering business, and perhaps I only imagined the whole
+thing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What was he like to look at?" Foster inquired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Pale and dark, and he looked unwell without looking unwholesome," I
+replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I saw him," Murray said, "and I thought he would have been rather nice
+if he hadn't been so nervous.  He has got great big eyes and about half
+an acre of forehead."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He wore a flannel shirt and a turned-down collar, and looked clean," I
+told Foster, for I thought he had better know everything.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ask him to lunch and Murray and me to meet him," Foster suggested.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't ask a senior man to lunch, it would show that I thought it
+didn't make any difference in his case, and I think he would be on the
+look-out for things like that.  Besides, he wouldn't come."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should leave him alone," Murray said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't do that, it would make me feel a brute," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Find out where he lives and I will come with you and see him.  I know
+your father, so it will be all right," Foster proposed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He has called on me, so he can't mind me going to see him, and I
+should like to take you with me.  I'll let you know as soon as I have
+found out where his rooms are;" and then, as it was getting late,
+Foster came down with us to the lodge, and I was half out of the door
+before I remembered to ask him about his footer.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am playing against Cooper's Hill on Wednesday," he said; "but I
+shall be kicked out if I don't play any better than I did on Saturday."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As we walked up King Edward Street Murray did nothing but talk about
+Foster, and since I was always delighted whenever I could get any one
+on that subject I did not look half carefully enough where I was going.
+Murray was in cap and gown, but I was not wearing what is sometimes
+magnificently called "academical attire," but had on a cloth cap.  It
+had never occurred to me that we were likely to meet the "proggins,"
+but as I turned into The High we ran full tilt into him, and before I
+had time to think of running, a "bulldog" had told me that the proctor
+would like to speak to me.  There was no way out of it, so I turned to
+gratify this unforeseen gentleman and found that he was my tutor, Mr.
+Edwardes.  He did not trouble to go through the usual formula of asking
+me whether I belonged to the University and all the rest of it, but
+told me to call upon him the next morning.  He spoke so quickly that I
+could not hear what time he told me to come, but I supposed any time
+would do.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you know that Edwardes was a proctor?" I asked Murray, as soon as
+we could go on.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Some one told me he was; he is a junior proctor, I think."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And a vile nuisance," I added.  "He will be more down on me than ever
+now."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is no harm in walking about without cap and gown," Murray said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'll bet Edwardes thinks there is," I answered, and as I was feeling
+furious at being caught so simply, I gave a tremendous hammer upon the
+door of St. Cuthbert's, and when I wished the porter good-night he
+glared at me and did not answer.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap05"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER V
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE WINE
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The faculty of making people angry without meaning to do so is a most
+fatal possession.  When I remember the men I know who seem to be
+constitutionally unpleasant and who walk about saying sarcastic things,
+I do think I am unlucky.  For I annoy people quite unintentionally, and
+it must be the most stupid way of bringing about a bad result.  I get
+no fun for my money, so to speak.  Honestly I did not hear at what time
+Mr. Edwardes told me to call upon him, and when I strolled over to his
+rooms about eleven o'clock on the following morning, I had no idea that
+he was likely to be more than usually displeased.  But it did not take
+me a moment to discover that he was very angry indeed.  From what he
+told me it seemed that I ought to have appeared at nine o'clock with
+many other men as unfortunate as I was, and he evidently considered
+that I had not come at the proper hour because I had thought that one
+time would do as well as another.  I told him that I did not hear him
+mention any particular time, but I do not think he believed me, and
+after I had paid him five shillings for being without my cap and gown
+he did not even thank me, but looked first at his watch and then at a
+long list which he had on his table.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is now a quarter-past eleven, and I believe Mr. Armitage's lecture
+at Merton begins at eleven o'clock.  May I ask why you have decided not
+to attend his lecture this morning?" and he screwed his mouth up until
+it seemed to disappear.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+His question was difficult to answer, because I could not tell him that
+Murray and I had decided that Mr. Armitage lectured very badly, and
+that I had expressed my intention of cutting his lectures whenever I
+felt inclined.  So I said that I had forgotten Mr. Armitage's lecture,
+which happened to be the truth.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am afraid, Mr. Marten, that you take a very light view of your
+responsibilities," he said.  "It is unusual, I imagine, for an
+exhibitioner of a college to interview the proctor as soon as you have
+done; the college authorities naturally expect their scholars and
+exhibitioners to obey the rules of the University, and they also expect
+them to apply themselves earnestly to their studies.  At the present
+moment I am unable to consider that you have realized either of these
+expectations."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, sir, they are early days yet," I said with a smile, for I
+thought it was best to take a cheery view of the situation.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This is no jest," he replied, and his teeth snapped together very
+disagreeably.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I did not mistake it for one," I said, and I wanted to be amicable;
+"but being without cap and gown last night is not a very awful offence,
+is it?  The proctors would have a very dull time if they did not catch
+men sometimes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I cannot imagine why I made that last remark, except that he had fixed
+his little eyes upon me when I began and it seemed to be dragged out of
+me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I do not think that you need trouble yourself about the duties of the
+proctors, Mr. Marten.  Good-morning, and please remember what I have
+said to you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I left his room smiling, and I am sure he thought I was laughing at
+him; but what really amused me was being called "Mr. Marten," for I had
+not grown accustomed to my prefix and the sound of it was most comical
+to me.  I am afraid my taste for jokes was very different from that of
+my tutor.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I came away from Mr. Edwardes I stood in the front quadrangle and
+whistled.  My whistle is unmusical and penetrative, useful only when a
+dog has been lost, and some man, whom I did not know, put his head out
+of his window and said abruptly, "For heaven's sake shut up that vile
+noise;" another man chucked a penny into the quad and told me he should
+send something heavier if I did not stop.  The front quad was obviously
+no place for me, but before I had made up my mind where I would go the
+Warden came out of his house and saw me before I saw him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Good-morning, Mr. Marten," he said before I could escape; "it is so
+unusual to find a beautiful quadrangle totally uninhabited that you
+seem to be undecided whether to leave it or not.  Your whistle as I
+stood by the open window of my bedroom suggested to me that you are not
+employing your time most advantageously either to yourself or to
+others."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He stood by me for a moment, and then moving on with his peculiar
+shuffle disappeared through the doorway leading into the college
+gardens.  My nerves were becoming upset from these constant encounters,
+and as I felt that I could not sit down and work until I had some kind
+of an antidote, I went up to see Jack Ward, who had rooms in the front
+quadrangle.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I found him, as I thought, most beautifully unemployed, but as soon as
+he had asked me whether my temper was better in the morning than at
+night, of which remark I took no notice, he said that he was being
+worried to death.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There were two telegrams lying on his table, and I thought something
+awful had happened to his people, so I tried to look sympathetic and
+replied that if he would rather be left alone I would go at once.  Then
+he broke forth into the language of towing-paths and barges and asked
+me whether I was a lunatic, which was a fairly nasty question when I
+thought I was treating his trouble in a becoming spirit.  I was not,
+however, sure what was the matter with him, so I did not say what I
+might have said but asked him to tell me why he was bothered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You see it is like this," he answered, picking up both the telegrams;
+"one of our groom fellows at home has a brother who knows everything
+about Blackmore's stable, and he has just wired to me that Dainty Dick
+will win the Flying Welter at Hurst Park to-day, and I was off to back
+it when I get a wire from my tipster, Tom Webb, that The Philosopher
+can't lose the same race.  It is Tom's 'double nap' and I am in a hole
+what to do."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As I had never heard before of Dainty Dick, The Philosopher, Tom Webb
+or Blackmore, I did not feel in a position to give advice, but I
+laughed until I felt quite unwell, and Ward walked about the room
+asking violently why I was amused.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought some of your people were ill when I came in here," I said
+after some minutes, "and the whole thing turns out to be some gibberish
+nonsense about Tom Webb, a tipster, and some rotten horses."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are most refreshingly green," Ward replied, and he screwed the
+telegrams together and threw them into the fire.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What are you going to do?" I inquired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's just it, I can't make up my mind.  Tom Webb has sent me twelve
+stiff 'uns running, and if The Philosopher won and I wasn't on it I
+should swear for a month."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then," I said wisely, "I think you had better back The Philosopher;
+you ought to think a little of your friends."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The only answer I received to my suggestion was that of all the fools
+in Oxford I was the most sublime, so I told him that if he backed
+either of these horses he would be proving that, at any rate, I was not
+absolutely the biggest fool he knew.  But he had begun to read racing
+guides and calendars, and every now and then made notes upon a piece of
+paper, so he treated my retort with contempt.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I believe," he said, with a pencil between his teeth, "that Dainty
+Dick can give The Philosopher about eleven pounds, and he has only to
+give him four, so I shall back The Philosopher."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That doesn't seem very good reasoning," I ventured to remark.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My opinion's always wrong," he explained, "but I have a thundering
+good mind to back both of 'em."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It seems the quickest way of losing your money," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't be such a confounded ass.  I know about some of these stables, a
+man is a fool if you like who bets and doesn't know."  He shut up his
+betting-book with a bang, and I told him the only tale I knew about
+racing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have a cousin," I began, "who owned racehorses and all the rest of
+it.  He lost every penny he had, and a lot more besides.  He knew, as
+you call it."  I did not feel that my tale, though it had the merit of
+being true, was a good one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is no use for you to sit there and conjure up tragedies," Ward
+replied.  "I can't help gambling, it is in my blood; my father is about
+the biggest speculator in England.  If you want a good tip, buy
+Susquehambo Consolidated Rubies."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was not inclined to buy anything except a fox-terrier pup, and I told
+Ward that he would come a most howling cropper if he did not look out.
+But I have never yet happened to find the man who was inclined to take
+my warnings seriously, and Jack Ward, at any rate, was so naturally
+optimistic, that I might have known that he would take no notice
+whatever of my advice.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall back both Dainty Dick and The Philosopher," he said, when I
+had finished; "come down to Wright's with me, and I will have a fiver
+on each of them.  I don't get tips like these every day."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He put on his cap and tried to persuade me to go with him, but I was
+sick of the man, he seemed to me to be simply throwing his money away;
+so I went back to my rooms, and finding that Murray had been to
+Armitage's lecture, I borrowed his notes and copied them into my book,
+though Murray said, and I thought, that I was wasting my time.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not see Ward again until after five o'clock, when he brought an
+evening paper and a cheerful countenance into my rooms and told me that
+Dainty Dick had won the Flying Welter, and The Philosopher had been
+second.  "Two pretty good tips, my boy," he said; "nothing but your
+obstinacy prevented your being on."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Collier had been having tea with me, and was to all appearances asleep
+when Ward came in, but without opening his eyes he said, "Betting is a
+mug's game.  What price did this brute start at?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know until I get the next evening paper, but it is sure to be
+a good price; there were twelve runners, and they are sure to have
+backed The Philosopher."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a rotter," Collier stated; "if you are going to stay here,
+don't talk racing to us.  I don't know anything about it and don't want
+to."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I know a real hot thing for the Manchester November Handicap, been
+kept for months," Ward said quite cheerfully.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We don't want to hear it," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am thundering well not going to tell you anyway.  You two men ought
+to be in bed, I am going to find some one who is not half asleep," Ward
+answered, and he went away with unnecessary noise.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Both Collier and I had promised to go to Lambert's rooms after dinner
+on that evening; he had asked us because he said we ought to have a
+talk about the freshers' wine, but we knew well enough that he intended
+to twang his wretched banjo and sing little love songs which made the
+night hideous.  If only he would have sung comic things he might not
+have caused such wholesale pain, though I should not like to speak
+positively upon that point.  I did not go to this entertainment
+immediately after dinner, and when I arrived I found the usual gang,
+Ward, Dennison and Collier, and one other man who turned out to be
+Bunny Langham.  Everybody except Collier was playing a game of cards
+called "Bank," the chief merit of which is its simplicity.  The dealer
+puts some money into the pool and deals three cards to each player, who
+can bet up to the amount in the pool that one of his cards will beat
+the card which the dealer turns up against him.  All that seemed to
+happen was that Bunny Langham kept on saying, "I'll go the whole
+shoot," and then complained violently of his luck.  It was no game for
+me and I looked to Collier for amusement, but he had got a bottle of
+French plums in his lap and was engaged in trying to get them out with
+a fork which was too short for the job.  The banjo had been put back
+into its case, and though it was not amusing to see four men play cards
+and Collier over-eating himself, I was content to see the banjo put
+away for the night, so I got the most comfortable chair I could grasp
+and waited until somebody thought it was time to go to bed.  I sat
+facing Bunny Langham, and as there was nothing else to do I watched him
+losing his money, and I should think he was what is called a very good
+loser.  He was a most curious-looking man and wore eyeglasses which did
+not seem powerful enough, for when he wanted to take any money from the
+pool or&mdash;which happened more frequently&mdash;pay something into it, he took
+them off and put up a single eyeglass which he managed with the skill
+of one to whom it was a necessity and not an inconvenience.  His
+complexion was pink and white, and he had a small patch of piebald hair
+over his right car, which in some lights looked like a rosette.  But in
+spite of his odd appearance there was something attractive in his face;
+it must, I think, have been either his expression or his forehead, for
+it certainly was not his chin, and a nose never looks its best when
+shadowed by pince-nez.  Dennison was the only winner at the table, and
+smiled benignly round him when he was not lighting his pipe.  Lambert
+threw his money about with a magnificent air more comical than
+impressive, and Jack Ward seemed to be the one man whose attention was
+riveted on the game.  When a remark was made on any subject except bad
+luck, Ward broke in asking some one how much they were going to stake
+or telling Bunny, who never seemed to know what was going to happen
+next, that they were waiting for him.  I thought "Bank" must be the
+dreariest of all card games, but it was nearly twelve o'clock before
+Langham got up and said he must go.  When the game was over I asked
+Ward how much he had won over Dainty Dick, and at once there was a roar
+of laughter.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He lost over three pounds," Dennison said
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But how did he manage that?" I asked, for my knowledge of racing being
+limited I did not understand how he could have backed the winner of
+this race and yet lost money.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why Dainty Dick started at three to one on, so he only won about
+thirty shillings, and he lost a fiver backing The Philosopher.  I
+thought he had made a fortune by the way he was talking at dinner,"
+Dennison answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For a moment Ward looked furious, and the exultant way in which
+Dennison told me what had happened must have annoyed him tremendously.
+I felt that Dennison with his seraphic smile was a much bigger idiot
+than Ward, so I said, "Well, I can't see where the joke comes in, I
+think it is thundering rough luck," which remark I considered rather
+noble, for I did think that Ward had been scored off beautifully, only
+Dennison gibing at him was such a sickening sight that I thought I
+would put off the few words I meant having with him about Dainty Dick
+until we were alone.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After Bunny Langham had gone we began to discuss the freshers' wine,
+but Jack Ward looked so down on his luck that I let him arrange what he
+liked, though as Collier said to me afterwards, Ward only thought he
+was deciding everything while Dennison really managed the whole affair
+and simply twisted him round his fingers.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison is as clever as a wagon load of monkeys," Collier complained,
+"he looks like a baby and is as cunning as a Chinaman.  I wonder how we
+can put up with him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wondered, too, and I should think everybody else, except Dennison
+himself, found it difficult to explain his popularity.  For he was
+popular, and since no other reason occurs to me I expect the fact that
+he was always ready to play the piano must have helped him, Lambert on
+his banjo was enough to depress a crowd of Sunday-school children at
+their annual treat, but Dennison played the kind of music which made
+Collier, Ward and me, who were not exactly musical, feel that we could
+sing quite well.  At Cliborough I had established a record by being the
+first boy who had tried to get into the school choir and failed, but
+the man who made me sing "Ah, ah, ah," until I really could not go on
+any longer had told me that I should have a voice some day.  Perhaps he
+said that out of kindness, but when Dennison played I always remembered
+it, and forgot that when I sang in church people sitting in front of me
+had been known to look round as if hymns were not made to be sung.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+If discussion beforehand helps to make an entertainment successful our
+freshers' wine ought to have been a colossal success.  For days the
+thing seemed to pervade the air and I got horribly tired of it, though
+Collier, who had been given rooms which compared with mine were
+palatial, had more reason to be sick than I had.  Collier had not only
+a certain amount of space at his disposal but also a piano, and if
+either of us had been any use at guessing we might have known that his
+rooms would have been chosen.  I may as well say now that if any one of
+the freshers who had been invited had also possessed a little sense
+Collier's rooms would not have been chosen, but the last thing we
+thought of was a row, until we got into one, which is one of the
+advantages of being a fresher.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison and Ward finally asked about fifteen men to the wine, and on
+the appointed night we met in Collier's rooms.  It was perhaps not so
+great a privilege to receive an invitation as we thought it was,
+because each man who accepted had to pay more than the thing was worth.
+However, there was no doubt that it was well done, Ward had been to
+Spinney's shop in the Turl and had benefited by Spinney's experience,
+and Dennison with the assistance of Collier's scout, and in spite of
+Collier's mild protests, had prepared the rooms in a way which made me
+wonder where the owner of them was going to sleep.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was a tradition at St. Cuthbert's, and a tradition seems to me a
+very dangerous possession unless carefully watched, that no wine was
+complete without a large bowl of milk punch.  Ward had been told this
+by Spinney, who took what he called a fatherly interest in St.
+Cuthbert's, though it must be an exorbitant kind of interest which
+makes a man recommend a lot of freshers, or anybody else, to mix punch
+with champagne and port.  Spinney had also provided a terrific amount
+of fruit and other things, and if Collier's room had only been big
+enough to provide space for all of us and for what we were expected to
+eat and drink, I think our wine at the start would have been a most
+imposing display.  As it was everybody thought it had been done well
+except Collier, who told me to look in his bedroom.  I looked without
+seeing the bed, which was so piled up with superfluities that they
+nearly touched the ceiling.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"When this orgie is over," Collier said, "every one will have forgotten
+that I have to go to bed to-night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I will stay and help you," I answered, for I was in the mood when
+anything seems to be possible.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We went back into the "sitter," where everybody was already beginning
+to eat and, I suppose, to enjoy themselves.  There were not enough
+chairs to go round, but there is always the floor, and a man who won't
+sit on the floor when there is nothing else to sit upon is no use at an
+Oxford wine.  Some men even prefer the floor, but that usually happens
+later on in the evening.  Ward began the musical part of the
+entertainment by singing "John Peel," his voice was admirable, because
+it was loud without being very good, and nobody had the discomfort of
+wondering whether they could sing well enough to join in the chorus.  I
+like a place where you can fairly bellow without hearing your own
+voice.  A man called Webb, who had a mole on his forehead and had been
+at Cliborough with me, sang the next song, but it was a sentimental
+thing, and had a chorus with some high notes in it, an unsuitable
+choice which fell flat, and when it was over Webb sat down by me in
+disgust, and helped himself lavishly to punch by way of consolation.  I
+told Webb that he had taken Lambert's seat, because Lambert for some
+other reason had also been helping himself lavishly to punch, and had
+become argumentative and almost quarrelsome.  Webb, however, said that
+he was not going to move, and when Lambert returned Dennison had to
+play the piano very lustily to drown the discussion which took place.
+Lambert was six feet two and angry, Webb was the same height and
+obstinate, both of them had been drinking punch, and if Ward had not
+intervened by asking Lambert to sing, I believe an unexpected item
+would have formed part of our programme.  Lambert sang, or rather tried
+to sing, and broke down several times; no one minded and he received
+tremendous encouragement to go on, but he fancied himself as a singer
+and at last became very indignant and abusive.  He was then given
+champagne to soothe him, and sat on the floor with a very sad
+expression, and his legs stretched out in front of him.  Collier threw
+a fig at him which he caught and threw back, hitting another man on the
+cheek, figs began to fly about the room until Ward begged everybody not
+to make a horrible rag before we had properly begun.  Collier went
+round on his hands and knees collecting figs and calling himself a fool
+for spoiling his own carpet.  Most people gave him a shove with their
+feet when he came near them, which sent him on to his back and
+prevented his collection from being a good one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then Dennison began to play "The Gondoliers," which was the popular
+comic opera of the day.  Solos were dispensed with, and each chorus was
+sung many times.  The wine was evidently a huge success, the noise was
+magnificent, and everybody was reasonably peaceful.  No one noticed
+that Lambert and Webb were now sitting side by side on the floor,
+swearing eternal friendship and requiring champagne in which to pledge
+each other, until Webb got hold of the idea that he was Leander trying
+to swim the Hellespont, and Collier poured a jug of water over his head
+so that he might make the scene more realistic.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+One or two men went quietly away, saying that it was getting late.  The
+music stopped for a moment, while Dennison walked about the room
+seeking refreshment and finding very little.  The noise subsided so
+much that a knock was heard, and a scout poked his head into the room
+and spoke to Dennison who was standing by the door.  Every one asked
+what he wanted, and Dennison assured us that it did not matter, which
+we were all inclined to believe with the exception of Ward, who went to
+the piano and began the National Anthem.  It was the only tune he could
+play, and he had to take infinite pains to get the right notes, so he
+was forcibly removed, and Dennison installed in his place.  "The
+Gondoliers" and the noise began again, while Ward, protesting that it
+was time we went away, was disregarded entirely.  From sheer distaste
+for punch and only a very limited taste for wine I had not been seeking
+my enjoyment in drinking, but I had smoked far more than was good for
+me, and my head felt as large as a pumpkin.  It occurred to me,
+however, that if Ward wished our entertainment to close he was sure to
+be right, so I pulled over Dennison backwards from the piano.  That
+caused a very fair hubbub and did not do much good, since everybody
+began to sing what they liked, without music.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward went round persuading men to go, until Lambert, Webb, Collier,
+Ward, Dennison and I were the only ones remaining.  Collier was heavy
+with sleep, but Lambert and Webb, who still sat on the floor with their
+backs propped up against a sofa, were full of song.  Dennison sulked in
+a corner; he told me afterwards that I had hurt his head.  Ward and I
+by violent efforts got Lambert and Webb upon their legs and propped
+them up against each other.  They stood singing, "For he's a jolly good
+fellow," and looking extraordinarily foolish.  At last we got them to
+the door and shoved them out, but unfortunately the Sub-Warden, who had
+a habit of being in the wrong place, was standing outside the room, and
+Lambert, who most certainly looked upon him as an old friend, put an
+arm round him, and hurried him at break-neck speed down the stairs.
+Webb followed, and when I got into the quadrangle he was on one side of
+the Subby and Lambert on the other.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+They were persuading him to dance.  I tried to seize Lambert, while
+Ward went for Webb; but as I did so they suddenly released their man,
+and instead of grabbing Lambert I got my arm entangled in the Subby's.
+I let it go quickly, but he recognized me, and said something about a
+disgraceful occurrence.  It would have been giving Lambert and Webb
+away to tell him that I was acting the part of rescuer, so I stood
+looking at him, while Ward drove the other two men out of the
+quadrangle.  As he did not say anything I expressed a hope that he was
+not hurt, but it was more from a wish to prove myself sober than from
+any anxiety as to his condition that I made the remark.  I thought he
+understood this, for he neither answered nor wished me good-night when
+he went back to his staircase.  I was afraid he had been considerably
+jolted and was not quite himself.  I turned round after watching him
+out of sight, and found Murray standing by my side.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You had better come to bed," he said, and his tone suggested that I
+was incapable of looking after myself, so I told him that I was as
+sober as a judge.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I waited up for you," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"To see if you could be of any use, I suppose," I asked ungraciously.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And when Lambert and Webb began to shout the back quad down, I came
+out to see what had happened.  What were you talking to the Subby
+about?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Our arms got interlocked," I replied, as we walked over to our
+staircase.  "The fact is the Subby ought to go to bed in decent time."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He could hardly be expected to sleep with a wine going on in the rooms
+below him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I forgot all about that."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And so apparently did everybody else who was there, though I should
+have thought the scout would have warned Collier."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison managed the whole thing, I said, and you can thank your stars
+you can go to bed without the prospect of a row and a thundering
+headache."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then I went into my room and sported my oak, for the rumblings of
+Lambert and Webb could still be heard in the quadrangle.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap06"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER VI
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+JACK WARD AND DENNISON
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The morning following the wine was no morning for me.  Of course I
+awoke with a headache, but that was nothing in comparison with a
+general feeling that the day was not likely to be a peaceful one.  I
+lay awake and thought over matters as well as I could until Clarkson
+came in to put my bath.  Then I pretended to be asleep, but out of the
+corner of my eye I saw him looking at me and I conceived a great
+dislike for him.  He seemed to think I was a curiosity of some kind.
+He tidied my room, and having finished he asked if I should be taking
+breakfast.  I sat up in bed and inquired why he supposed I did not want
+breakfast, and my question, I flatter myself, surprised him
+considerably.  I told him to get me twice as much breakfast as usual
+and to be quick, but while I was dressing I wondered how I should eat
+it, so I went into Murray's room and persuaded him to breakfast with
+me.  Murray had already begun to eat, but when I explained to him that
+this was a little matter between Clarkson and myself, and that it would
+not do for me to be scored off, he agreed to come.  Clarkson, however,
+was a difficult man to defeat; he provided enough breakfast for four
+men, and though I bustled him as much as I could and was very
+dictatorial, I could see that he was quietly amused.  Murray ate for
+all he was worth, but the amount of food which Clarkson carried away
+for his hungry family was evidence enough to prove who had won the
+battle.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Conversation did not play any conspicuous part in that meal, but I told
+Murray that if everybody at the wine had been as sensible as Ward we
+should have got through without any row.  "My opinion of Ward has
+changed," I said more than once, for Murray was not inclined to give
+him any credit and he certainly deserved some.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At ten o'clock I went to a lecture, and when I returned I found a note
+from the Sub-Warden asking me to call upon him at noon.  It was
+precisely what I expected, but the prospects of another row depressed
+me.  The morning was dark and rainy, and my room was so dismal that I
+stood on the ledge outside my window and leant against the parapet.  It
+was neither a comfortable nor a very safe position, but it suited my
+mood.  I looked down on the back quadrangle below me and watched for
+something interesting to happen.  I had not been up long enough to know
+that my wish was not likely to be gratified, nothing exciting ever does
+happen in Oxford during the morning, or if it does I was always
+unfortunate enough to miss it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+A man in a scholar's gown hurried across the quadrangle, rushed up a
+staircase, and came back with a note-book in his hand.  The Warden came
+out of his house and stood upon his doorstep as if he was trying to
+remember what he wanted to do.  Then he turned round and went into the
+house again.  Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, a lady who was
+reported to be talkative and in love, came out and observed the
+weather.  Two minutes afterwards she appeared in a mackintosh, which
+was thoroughly business-like.  She was most obviously bent on shopping.
+Two men, regardless of the rain, strolled out of the front quadrangle
+and shouted for Dennison, who did not come to his window.  I told them
+that he was probably in bed, and they answered that I should fall over
+if I did not look out.  It was all most painfully dull, and I was just
+going in when the Subby appeared and went into the Warden's house.  I
+could guess the reason for that visit, and waited to see no more.  I
+sat down by the fire and tried to think out what I should say to the
+Subby, and what he would say to me.  I did not know much about him
+except that his name was Webster, and that he was a great authority on
+Etruscan pottery, facts which did not help me much.  He also had one of
+the finest stamp collections in the world, but I had never collected
+anything for more than a week at a time.  I felt that he was a
+difficult man to gauge, because he had never been what I considered a
+sportsman.  His appearance at any rate was not imposing, and I was
+depressed enough to feel thankful for very small mercies.  If dons only
+remembered what men feel like after their first wine, they would
+scarcely be hard-hearted enough to inflict further penalties upon them.
+But it was the vocation of the Subby to keep order in the college, and
+some one had told me that rowdy men were his pet abomination.  He
+regarded St. Cuthbert's as the intellectual centre of Oxford, and
+Oxford as the intellectual centre of the world.  No wonder the poor man
+looked serious and seldom smiled, for he must have had a lot to think
+about.  He covered up his eyes with enormous spectacles, and the lower
+part of his face with a straggling moustache and beard, you got neither
+satisfaction nor information from looking at him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It was nearly twelve o'clock before I saw any of the men who had been
+at the wine, and then Ward and Collier came into my rooms.  I was still
+sitting by the fire, and Ward, who would have gibed at my gloom under
+ordinary conditions, simply told me that I didn't look very cheerful,
+and sat down on the edge of the table, which tilted up and nearly
+placed him on the floor.  Collier threw himself into the nearest chair,
+and pulling a pipe out of his pocket, carefully rubbed the bowl of it,
+but showed no anxiety to smoke, and considering that I felt as if I
+should never smoke again, I was not surprised.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should like to flay Lambert, Webb, and Dennison alive," Collier said
+quite solemnly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've got to go to the Subby in ten minutes," I said, and Collier's
+face brightened.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I didn't think you would have to go," Ward remarked; "what an infernal
+nuisance, and why has he sent for you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I tried to rescue the stupid man from Lambert and Webb, and got
+entangled in his blessed arm.  He was as sick as blazes, and I shall
+hear more stuff about being an exhibitioner," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The man's a fool," Collier said, "but the biggest ass in the place is
+Dennison.  He knew the Subby was out to dinner, and wouldn't be back
+till goodness knows when, but he must go on and kick up a row on that
+piano after he knew the Subby was in his rooms.  And the beauty of it
+is that Dennison hasn't been sent for.  I call it a confounded shame.
+We have just been round to see him, and the brute is still in bed as
+fit as anything, and thinks it the best joke he has heard for ages.  He
+wouldn't see much humour in it if he went and smelt my rooms."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who has been sent for?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You, Collier, Lambert, and Webb," Ward replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have seen the Subby already.  I met him in the quad and asked if I
+might speak to him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Was he furious?" I inquired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I tried to explain things to him; he was not altogether furious, but
+stuck on a sort of injured dignity business which was rather funny."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It isn't likely a man would want to be danced down-stairs by Lambert
+and Webb," Collier said; "I wonder they didn't break his neck, and it
+would have been a thundering good job if they had smashed themselves."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I got up and seized my gown, leaving Collier to continue his wishes for
+the destruction of Lambert and Webb if he felt inclined.  At any other
+time they would have amused me, for Collier was generally difficult to
+move in any way, and he was quite funny when his indignation could be
+roused.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I am not going to describe my interview with the Subby at any length.
+He listened patiently to what I had to say, but if a man came to me and
+said that he had caught hold of me by accident I confess that I should
+think it a poor sort of story.  I could not tell him that I was trying
+to save him from Lambert and Webb, because that would have been
+contrary to what I should have expected them to say about me, if the
+positions had been reversed.  The Subby ought to have guessed it for
+himself and rewarded me, but he had been so hustled that it was perhaps
+too much to expect him to guess anything.  My reputation for work
+seemed to have been of the worst.  There was no denying that the Subby
+and I had been entangled, and it was no use for me to say that it was
+his fault.  I spoke of it as a very unfortunate occurrence, and I
+assured him most warmly that it should not happen again.  Assurances of
+that kind do not, I should say, count for much.  He was so occupied by
+the importance of what had passed, that I could not make him see that
+the future was also important.  And I did try hard to point this out to
+him, I regretted much, I promised more, and I meant everything I said
+most honestly.  I had never been so penitent before, but I must at the
+same time admit that I had never previously felt quite so unwell.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Perhaps my protestations had some effect, for my sentence was that I
+should be gated for three weeks, and I received also what must, when
+translated into simple English, have been a warning that unless I
+changed the errors of my ways my exhibition would be taken away from
+me.  The Subby jawed badly, he was not to be compared with Mr.
+Edwardes, and he hesitated and coughed, until once or twice I was
+almost inclined to help him out, for I knew what he was going to say
+and he fidgeted me.  I was, however, in too great a hole to risk much,
+so as soon as he began I remained silent and hoped steadily that he
+would either end soon or be interrupted.  He did not know how to begin
+or when to finish, and if Collier had not knocked at the door and come
+into the room, it seemed to me that nothing but the pangs of hunger
+would have warned him that he had said enough.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I have never seen a more welcome arrival than Collier's, because I had
+really been with the Subby a very long time, and to stand with an
+attentive expression for ten minutes at a stretch and listen to the
+usual remarks is in its way quite a feat.  I found Ward waiting for me
+in the front quad, and he asked at once what had happened to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Gated for three weeks," I answered; "I suppose I ought to consider
+myself lucky, he might have sent me down."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It knocks all your fun on the head," he said, "being in by nine
+o'clock every night is average rot."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It won't matter to me, I am going to settle down and read for a first
+in Mods," and I turned into the common room and picked up <I>The
+Sportsman</I>.  There were no other men in the room, and Ward stood in
+front of the fire and kept looking at me as if he wanted to say
+something and could not manage to begin.  I read the names of the
+'Varsity XV. chosen to play that afternoon against Richmond, and saw
+that Foster was still among them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Fred Foster's going to get his blue," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who the deuce wants to get a blue?" Ward replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, it's better than getting into rows, anyway," I retorted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You seem to have taken this thing very quietly," he said, "don't you
+see that your being dropped on is a most wretched swindle.  Lambert and
+Webb are only gated for three weeks."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It doesn't make a tuppenny-ha'penny bit of difference to me what has
+happened to them.  If they had been gated for two years it wouldn't
+give me any satisfaction."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But they had been mixing all kinds of drink."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And the Subby thinks I had," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But you hadn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, but that doesn't make any difference.  The Subby may be a fair
+ass, but I caught hold of him, and I must be a bigger fool than he is.
+It's the last time I ever try to rescue a don."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Two senior men, Bagshaw and Crane came into the room and overheard my
+last remark, so I had to tell them the whole thing over again.  Both of
+them laughed tremendously, but Crane, who was captain of the college
+cricket eleven, and President of the Mohocks, which was the
+inappropriate name of the St. Cuthbert's wine club, seemed to be more
+amused at the solemn way I told the story, while Bagshaw said he would
+have given anything to have seen the Subby rushing down-stairs.  They
+laughed loudly, and as soon as I could escape I went back to my rooms,
+leaving Jack Ward to talk to them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For once I wanted to be by myself, but there was no shaking off Ward
+that morning, and he turned up again in about ten minutes and said that
+he had told his scout to bring his lunch round to my rooms.  I had
+struggled nobly with breakfast, but I hated the suggestion of more food
+and told him he had better go and eat somewhere else.  My head ached
+abominably, and I wanted to sit by the fire and go to sleep.  Ward,
+however, decided that I wanted cheering up, though how he was likely to
+enliven me by eating when I had no appetite he did not tell me.  As a
+matter of fact cheering me up was only an excuse, what he really wanted
+to do was to give me the explanation which he thought I must be
+expecting.  If he had known me better he would not have expected me to
+wait for anything, had I imagined any explanation was necessary I
+should have asked him for it at once.  But I was not taking any
+interest in explanations, my mouth felt like a cinder, and when some
+man had met me in the quad and told me I looked "precious cheap," which
+is an expression I detest, I had not the energy to retaliate.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward, having eaten his luncheon and gulped down a most horrible
+quantity of beer, lit a cigarette, and sat down by the fire.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You must think me a most awful brute for having got out of this row,"
+he began.  I told him that if he felt as I did, he would think
+everybody in the world was a brute.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, you see," he went on, "I got the thing up and the Subby didn't
+send for me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It was Dennison's fault," I said, for I saw no good in dividing the
+blame, "and if a man can't take his luck in these things he is no use
+to anybody.  My luck's always vile, but that doesn't matter to any one
+except me, and I am used to it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He took no notice of what I said, and continued, "So I told the Subby
+it was my fault, but when I saw him I thought only Collier, Webb and
+Lambert had been nailed."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I roused myself and looked at Ward, who was staring into the fire.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a fool," I stated, but I didn't mean it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had to do it or I should have felt awful," he said, and then he
+jumped up and banged round the room, tossing things about and failing
+to catch them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He stood in a new light, and it took me some time to digest what he had
+told me.  Of all the men I had met since coming to Oxford I should have
+said that Jack Ward was the one who would watch his own interests most
+closely, and he had upset all my opinions by walking into a quite
+unnecessary row.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why did you do it?" I asked him, and I added, "it isn't as if you
+could do anybody else any good," for it is at first very perplexing to
+find a man doing exactly the reverse of what you expect.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have told you why I did it, I should have felt so confoundedly mean
+if I hadn't.  But while I was with the Subby I wish I had known that he
+had nailed you as well, because I might have told him that you hate
+drinking.  A don seems to me to have the fixed idea that freshers
+naturally drink too much, at least that was the impression the Subby
+gave me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What happened to you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm gated for a fortnight, and he talked a lot of tommy-rot."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, I think it is most frightfully decent of you," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, shut up," Ward answered, "I can't stand that.  I have never done
+anything of the kind before and shan't again.  I simply couldn't have
+faced you men if I hadn't owned up, and that ends it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At that moment Dennison walked in wearing an enormous overcoat and a
+Wellingham scarf round his neck, he looked as beautifully pink as ever,
+and I hated the sight of him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This is such a blighted day that I am going to watch a footer match,"
+he said, "it amuses me to see thirty people tumbling about in the mud,
+and we can go and play pool at Wright's when we have had enough, if you
+will come."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not intend to tell Dennison that I was ill, so I said I would go
+if Ward would come with us, and as soon as we got into the Broad and
+the rain fairly beat upon us, I began to feel much better and more
+capable of being disagreeable to Dennison.  I was in the state of mind
+which makes one anxious to be unpleasant, the sort of mood in which
+horrid people abuse servants or try to kick animals, and I was glad to
+have Dennison, who deserved every rudeness imaginable, at my disposal.
+But the worst of feeling so thoroughly disagreeable is that you are
+ashamed of yourself so quickly.  I am either violently angry or not
+angry at all, and it is the people who are good at sulks and call them
+dignity who get their own way in this world.  I once tried to be
+dignified at home, and I am not inclined to repeat the experiment; my
+father told me not to be a fool, my sister walked about as if wrestling
+with suppressed laughter, and my mother offered me various medicines.
+Rudeness is my <I>rôle</I>, its intention is not so easily mistaken.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So I hung on to Dennison very earnestly, and though Ward did all he
+knew to keep the peace, I had managed before we reached the Parks, to
+convince both of them that our walk was a mistake.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We went to the far end of the ground where very few spectators were
+standing, for an Oxford crowd always collect behind the goal of the
+visiting side, hoping magnificently that by those means they will see
+most of the game.  It is very noble of them, but they are sometimes
+disappointed, and this happened to be one of the days on which those
+who were behind the 'Varsity goal-posts saw a good deal more than they
+wanted.  For the day was made for the Richmond XV., who were big, bulky
+men, very heavy in the scrimmage, and the three-quarter backs on both
+sides spent most of their time trying to keep warm.  Dennison said he
+was bored to death, and I told him Richmond never were any good outside
+the scrum and were playing a jolly good game.  He answered that he was
+not a Football Encyclopaedia, and I assured him that he never could be
+anything half so useful.  We kept up this kind of conversation for some
+time, while Ward stamped his feet and asked us to stop.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How long have you been gated for?" I asked Dennison suddenly,
+springing the question upon him as had been the habit of one master at
+Cliborough when he was going to ask me something very embarrassing.
+Ward hit me in the ribs with his elbow, and Dennison pretended not to
+hear, so I moved a little further from Ward and repeated my question.
+"The Subby didn't send for me," he replied; "I wasn't caught and I made
+no row to speak of."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh well, if you like to get out of the whole thing it has nothing to
+do with me," I said, and the thought suddenly struck me that if I
+really goaded Dennison into giving up his name I should feel a brute
+for the rest of my existence.  What I wanted to do was to prove that
+Ward was worth about ten of him, but it is very uphill work trying to
+convince a man that he is only a fraction of the fellow he thinks
+himself, I have often seen people going sorrowfully away from tasks of
+that kind.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is no question of getting out of it," Dennison said quite
+calmly, "because I have never been in it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No question at all," Ward put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At any rate you arranged it," I retorted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And the very deuce of a job it was," he replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course it was," Ward said, and though I imagined I was out of
+elbow-shot I got another blow which did nothing to improve my temper.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's like this," I began, "Ward went to the Subby and said&mdash;&mdash;"  But
+Ward burst in with, "By Jove, that is about the tenth time that man
+Foster has fallen on the ball, and now I believe he's hurt."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For quite two minutes Fred lay on the ground, and I forgot all about
+Dennison and the exasperating mood I was in.  At last he got up and
+moved about in a dazed condition, while some people clapped and others,
+more enthusiastic than anxious, began to shout, "Now then, 'Varsity."
+The game went on again, but my desire to be nasty had vanished, and I
+found that I had moved away from Ward and Dennison.  When I returned to
+them I found that my interrupted remark had created a greater
+disturbance than I had expected.  Dennison was fuming like anything,
+and so far was he from thinking that Ward and I had a grievance against
+him that he was treating himself as a thoroughly injured man.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is a pretty low down game," he was saying to Ward, when I came
+back, "for you to go and give your name up to the Subby and tell me
+nothing about it.  What do you think everybody will be saying about me?
+Marten has been talking to me as if I was a pick-pocket, while you were
+standing there and thinking yourself a sort of tin hero.  If you want
+to know what I think you are, my opinion is that you're a confounded
+fool, but since you have done this I must go and see the Subby when I
+get back to college."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+This is only an expurgated copy of what Dennison said, as a matter of
+fact he called Ward and me much worse names than a pick-pocket, and
+qualified them with adjectives too violent to be recorded.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I looked blankly at Ward, who had his head down and looked thoroughly
+ashamed of himself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is one of the few times in my life," he said, "when I have tried to
+do the right thing, and it seems to have been all wrong."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was only one line to take, and I started on it at once.  "That's
+rot," I began, "because you suggested the whole thing, and if you felt
+like owning up to it no one else has any right to swear at you.
+Dennison is altogether different, and if he goes to the Subby everybody
+else will have to go.  We are like a lot of school-boys."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought my last remark a sound one, for Dennison pretended to despise
+boys, because he said they always got up so late for morning school
+that they had not time to wash properly.  There was always a faint
+smell of scent about Dennison, which did not make me take much notice
+of his opinion about school-boys.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I cannot even now tell whether he was really angry or whether he was
+just pretending a rage to put us into a hole.  I did find out
+afterwards that he knew all the time that Ward had given up his name,
+so if he pretended one thing I do not see why he should not have
+pretended another.  But the result was the same whether he was shamming
+or not.  Ward and I implored him not to go to the Subby, for quite ten
+minutes during that damp and shivery afternoon we besought him to leave
+things as they were.  And at last with great reluctance he gave way,
+and to please us he said that he would forgive Ward for having done
+rather a mean thing, and he pardoned me for having been so rude.  Of
+course we were most properly taken in, but that was the fate of most
+men who had much to do with Dennison, and I was so glad to be at peace
+once more that it did not occur to me then that Ward and I were two
+colossal idiots.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went round to see Foster after the match, but found that he was going
+to dine early with the Richmond team, so he did not tell me anything
+except that he had got a splitting headache.  Each time I had been to
+see him for the last fortnight he had either been out, just going out,
+or had a room full of men with him.  Whenever he had come to see me the
+same kind of things had happened, so we had not managed to have one
+respectable talk together.  I determined that this was most
+unsatisfactory, so after dinner I wrote him a note, asking him to go
+for a walk with me on the following day, and then I went to see Jack
+Ward.  My opinion of him had been changing all day, and as I went to
+his room I felt that whatever Foster and Murray said about him, he was
+at bottom a splendid sort.  Roulette was going on in his rooms, and the
+usual crowd were playing.  Ward was banker, and he did not even ask me
+to play, but roulette is a very difficult game to watch without
+playing, and after black had come up six times consecutively, I thought
+it must be red's turn.  It was not, however, and five times I lost my
+money; then I had sense enough to stop for a bit until the numbers
+began to fascinate me, and I picked nineteen, being my age.  A lot of
+people may say I was old enough to know better, but it is so easy to
+make remarks of that kind, and until they find something a little less
+stale, they will never do any good.  I stood by the table at first, and
+then sat down and made up my mind to get my money back.  I tried
+everything in turn, but luck was dead against me, and Ward once or
+twice said he wished I would win something.  In the end I lost nearly
+six pounds, and went back to my rooms a sorrowful man.  Before I went
+into my bedder I looked at my cheque-book, and it gave me no
+satisfaction.  I had borrowed four pounds from Ward, and I wrote him a
+cheque for the amount, and laying it on the table beside me, I sat
+thinking.  My door was wide open, and I must have been nearly asleep,
+for I did not see any one come into my room, and a hand falling on my
+shoulder surprised me.  I looked up and saw Ward standing by my side.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sorry to wake you up," he said, "but I felt like coming to see you."
+He saw the cheque made out to him, and taking it from the table he tore
+it into bits.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have wasted a penny," I said, for I could not help guessing what
+he meant.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't want to take your money," he replied, "and for heaven's sake
+don't make me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He was most desperately in earnest, but the mere fact that I should
+have taken his without a thought of returning it, settled the little
+argument which followed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't help gambling," he said, "but I wish to goodness you wouldn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But only a few days ago you sneered at me for not backing a horse," I
+retorted, for though it was very good of him, I felt he was treating me
+like an infant.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I never asked you to," he said, "and I should like to have one friend
+who doesn't bet or play cards or anything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There's Collier," I suggested.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is different," Ward answered, and I suppose I wanted him to say
+something like that.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We talked for an hour, at least Ward talked and I listened, but during
+the years to come I always remembered what he said about himself on
+that night.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap07"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER VII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE INN AT SAMPFORD
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+I do not suppose that my waking thoughts could be called valuable, for
+my habit is to lie in bed and wonder vaguely what time it is, and if
+you start the day in that way and write it solemnly on paper you may
+just as well keep a diary of what you had for luncheon and where you
+had tea and all that kind of twaddle, which people write because
+blotting paper is provided on the opposite page.  But on the morning
+following my conversation with Ward I woke up with the sort of feeling
+which ought to have been of value to some one, because it was such a
+mixture that I could not stay in bed.  It was the kind of sensation
+with which I wake when I am going to cross the Channel, only it did not
+make me rush to my window to see how much wind there was.  Nothing I
+have been told is easier in this life than to make a mountain out of a
+molehill, but in my short experience it is the wretched little
+molehills which upset me and not the great big things which sweep me
+away with them.  I would rather have to fight one mountain than two
+molehills any day, you get so much more sympathy after the struggle.
+But I must admit that it is not always easy to tell when people will
+sympathize with you, for I remember that my brother was once in a
+railway accident, and though he got nothing more than a slight jolt he
+was considered a hero for a long time, while, a few days later, I sat
+upon a pin and hurt myself quite badly, but was told by my nurse not to
+be silly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+During that morning I had a most disagreeable experience.  For the
+first time in my life I was conscious that I had done something for
+which there was not the least shadow of an excuse, and I found myself
+trying to guess what my feelings would have been had I been a winner
+instead of a loser at roulette.  There is nothing very profitable in
+trying to imagine what would have happened if things had turned out
+differently, at the best it is a waste of time, but all the same it is
+a game which I, and others I know, play very often.  I came to the
+conclusion that had I won I should have been rather pleased with
+myself, it is so easy to excuse oneself for winning money, while losing
+it seems to be foolishly immoral.  I made no resolutions for the
+future, because on the few occasions I have tried to fortify myself in
+that way, something has occurred to upset me, and Mr. Sandyman, who was
+my housemaster at Cliborough and very wise, told me once that the
+weaker the man the more frequent his resolutions.  He did not believe
+so much in pledges and promises as in a boy's honour; if a boy had not
+a sense of honour no promise on earth could be of any real use to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wished that I had Mr. Sandyman to advise me, but if I had been able
+to go to him I do not suppose I should have gone, for although I was
+ashamed of myself, I did not think that I had committed any great
+offence.  I had just been a fool, and with that decision from which,
+odd as it may seem, I derived great satisfaction, I passed on to the
+next thing which was bothering me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I think it was Solomon who said there was safety in a multitude of
+counsellors, and I wonder what he would have said about a multitude of
+friends, some of whom could not bear the sight of the others.  Ward,
+hated Murray, and Foster hated Ward, Collier said he hated Dennison,
+and Dennison said Collier looked more like a pig than a human being.
+Lambert confided to me that there was hardly a man at St. Cuthbert's
+whom he would care to introduce to his sister, but as he said the same
+thing to Ward, Dennison and Collier, leaving each of them with the
+impression that he was the one man who was considered worthy of an
+introduction, it was no use to take any notice of Lambert.  I condoled
+with him on having such a remarkably exclusive sister, but he did not
+take my sympathy in the proper spirit.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My friends were most certainly getting out of hand.  In St. Cuthbert's,
+Murray was the most sensible of the lot, because he enjoyed himself in
+a steady sort of way, saw the humorous side of everything and went to
+bed in decent time.  I knew just where I was with Murray, he was always
+glad to see me in his rooms, and he kept his opinions about Ward and
+Dennison to himself, unless I simply pumped them out of him.  No one
+who did not object to fat men because they were fat could help liking
+Collier, he was so comfortable and peaceful, and Lambert, with his
+magnificent opinion of himself, which he expressed frequently in a
+half-comical, half-serious fashion, was to me more like a man on the
+stage than an ordinary undergraduate.  From morning to night Lambert
+was self-conscious, even at the wine, when he was sitting on the floor
+with Webb, he did not forget to shoot down his cuffs.  I have already
+said that Dennison played the piano, he was also considered a wit, and
+fired off things which Lambert said were epigrams, but Collier, who was
+full of curious information, declared that most of them were adapted
+from the Book of Proverbs.  However that may be, Dennison had a
+reputation as a conversationalist, which meant that he wanted to talk
+all the time.  He bored me terribly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But the man who really worried me was Ward.  At first I had thought
+that he merely wanted to amuse himself, and did not care what he did as
+long as he got some fun out of it.  He did not seem to trouble what men
+he knew if they were useful to him, and having come to that conclusion
+about him, I felt that as far as he and I were concerned there was
+nothing else to bother about.  It was not any wonder to me that Foster,
+who only knew him slightly, disliked him most vigorously, but when Ward
+came, asking me to take my money back and showing all the best side of
+his nature, he gave me more to think about than I wanted.  An entirely
+different man had appeared, acknowledging himself a gambler, and not
+pretending to be sorry&mdash;for which I liked him&mdash;but with qualities which
+I had never suspected.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So occupied was I in wondering how I could persuade Foster to change
+his opinion of Ward that I forgot the day was Sunday, and that I had
+intended to go to morning chapel and write some letters at the Union.
+It was nearly twelve o'clock when Foster came into my rooms and said he
+had been waiting for me at Oriel until he was tired of doing nothing.
+He seemed to be rather angry, but soon cooled down when he saw me
+hurrying up to get ready, and even proposed that we should give up our
+walk and just lounge round the Parks.  But I did not feel as if
+lounging would do for me, and I told him that I knew a splendid little
+inn about six miles off, where we could get luncheon.  He did not need
+much persuasion, and we went down Brasenose lane and the High as if we
+had never lounged in our lives.  But before we got to the turning to
+Iffley we had begun to walk at a speed which did not altogether prevent
+conversation.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I think I must have been setting the pace, because I had a great deal
+to say to Fred, and did not know exactly how to begin.  He was the
+greatest friend I had, and I wanted him to like Ward, but I knew that
+when once he had made up his mind about people he very seldom changed
+it.  He had liked nearly everybody at Cliborough, but when he disliked
+anybody there was something rather huge in the way he had nothing to do
+with them.  And he had a habit, which would have annoyed me in any one
+else, of being nearly always right.  It was such a complete change for
+him to come from Cliborough, where he was easily the most important boy
+in the school, to Oxford, where he was practically nobody at all, that
+I wondered how he would like it.  So many freshers who have been
+important at school think they can bring their importance with them,
+but they make the very greatest mistake.  A fresher who thinks a lot of
+himself, and lets other men know that he does, is not likely to do
+anything but get in his own way.  Foster never had put on any side, but
+he had been accustomed to manage things at Cliborough, and I asked him
+how he liked being nobody again, as he had been when he first went to
+school.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He did not answer me at once, and I had a suspicion that he did not
+care about the change, but I was wrong.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I like it," he said at last; "there is no bother and fuss, and I like
+beginning again and being sworn at when I miss the ball.  I want to get
+my blue most awfully, but I don't suppose I have got the ghost of a
+chance; I never pass at the right time, and everybody here seems to me
+to be always off-side."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I assured him that he must have a chance for his blue or he would not
+have played so often.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They look more and more sick with me every time," he answered, "and
+each match I play in I expect to be the last.  The only thing which
+riles me is that you never know what they think about you, and the
+fellow who writes the Oxford notes for <I>The Globe</I> said last week that
+the 'Varsity XV. must be badly off if they could not find a better
+three-quarter than the Cliborough fresher, or some rot of that kind.
+All the men at Oriel who know about things are either cricket or soccer
+blues, so I don't hear much about rugger there, though every one is
+nice enough and wants me to get into the XV."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Doesn't Adamson ever speak to you?" I asked, for he was captain of the
+'Varsity XV.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, but it is generally to tell me not to do something.  He is an
+'internatter,' you see, and I don't think he ever forgets it, he seems
+to me to stick on more side than any one I have ever met.  Most of the
+men are all right, but Adamson is a first-class bounder."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He swore at me pretty freely in the Freshers' match," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I heard him," Foster returned, "but although you played abominably
+then, you are really much better than Sykes of Merton, who has been
+playing back for the 'Varsity lately.  He does the most awful things."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He can't be worse than I am.  I now play three-quarters and am
+thinking of chucking the game altogether.  It is such a horrid grind."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't be an idiot, they are bound to spot you here sooner or later,"
+Foster said, but he knew as well as I did that I could never stop
+playing any game just because it was too much trouble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have made an idiot of myself, already," I replied; and then I told
+him all that had been happening at St. Cuthbert's during the last few
+days.  I made out myself a bigger fool than I really had been, because
+I wanted to show him that Ward was a much better fellow than he thought.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have a real gift for getting into rows," he said, when I had
+finished; "you seem to have got all the dons on your track already."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That doesn't worry me," I answered.  "I have only got to work and keep
+quiet, and the Subby will think I am as like a machine as he is."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you have made up your mind to work?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I mean to do a reasonable amount," I replied cautiously.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is most awfully difficult to work.  I have done precious little,
+and I went fast asleep at a lecture the other morning."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What was it about?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Logic."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, that's nothing," I assured him.  "I started cutting my logic
+lectures altogether until I got dropped on.  I didn't understand a word
+the man was saying.  There is heaps of time to work, Mods are nearly a
+year and a half off.  What do you think of Ward, after the thing that
+happened last night?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had to plunge right at it, for Foster had not said a word after I had
+told him Ward wanted to give me back my money.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't let us talk about Ward," Foster answered, "you know I don't like
+him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I knew you didn't like him," I corrected, for I thought that what I
+had said ought to make a difference.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You seem to be egging me on to swear at you, so that you may laugh."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, skittles," I exclaimed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You know perfectly well that you can't afford to gamble."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That has nothing to do with it, because I am not going to gamble, Jack
+Ward himself asked me not to play roulette."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But Ward belongs to a gambling set&mdash;&mdash;"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose he can please himself about that," I retorted, and it was
+not altogether wise of me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you will always be hearing racing 'shop,' and how much somebody
+won, nobody ever talks about their losses until they are stone-broke."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Your father told me," was the answer, and instead of having got him
+into a hole I was badly scored off.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Everybody has something nasty in him somewhere, Balzac said so, and he
+was the sort of chap who knew; if we were all perfect this wouldn't be
+earth," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"By Jove, you have been thinking a lot," Foster replied, and he stood
+still in the road and laughed until I was very annoyed, for I have
+heard other people make remarks of that kind without any one else
+smiling.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is no use talking seriously to you," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Platitudes are not your line," he answered, and we were as far off
+settling about Ward as ever.  I returned, however, to the main question
+with energy, for it seemed to me to be most important that these two
+men should not hate each other, if they were to be my friends.  The
+gods did not endow me with tact, but they gave me so much courage that
+in a short time I can make any situation either very much better or
+very much worse.  My mother once took in a paper which contained a Tact
+Problem every week, and she asked my sister and me to write down
+solutions and see if they were right; mine were wrong five times
+consecutively, so I gave up that competition, though in a negative sort
+of way I should have been of assistance to any competitor.  I remember
+one of these wonderful problems was, 'At an evening party A tells B
+that C looks like a criminal.  Shortly afterwards A finds out that C is
+B's husband, what ought A to do?'  I said A ought to go and tell B that
+he liked criminals; but the answer was, 'A should do nothing.'  I think
+it was that problem which persuaded me that I was wasting my time, I
+thought it too stupid for words.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I explained to Foster how difficult it would be for me if he would not
+change his opinion of Ward, and I talked so much that he said I had
+persuaded him that Ward was all right, but I had a kind of feeling that
+he said it for the sake of peace.  The day was very warm for November,
+and at the end of six miles Foster was not so inclined to resist my
+avalanche of words as he was when we left Oxford.  But I knew that
+having once said he would try to be friends with Ward, I could rely
+upon him.  What he could not understand was the reason why I was so
+anxious for him to try, why in short I liked Ward, but I could not
+explain that; for if you once start explaining why you are friends with
+a man it seems to me to be half-way towards making excuses for
+yourself, and should you begin doing that you had better not have any
+friends, since those who know you the best will like you the least.  I
+have a faculty for liking a large number of people, but if I had to
+give reasons why I liked most of them I should be terribly puzzled.
+You cannot, it seems to me, reduce friendship to a formula, or if you
+can you would knock all the fun out of it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+This was my second visit to the little inn at Sampford, and as soon as
+we got there I interviewed the landlord and engaged the sitting-room on
+the ground floor.  Foster threw himself upon the sofa and picked up the
+book in which visitors write their names and exercise their humour, but
+I was so hot that I opened the French windows which led into the garden
+and went out.  Only a fortnight before the garden had been full enough
+of flowers to satisfy me, but the wind and rain had beaten down
+everything, and in spite of the sun it looked bare and desolate.  I
+walked across the lawn to a little arbour and surprised two belated
+beanfeasters and their ladies.  In appearance the men were aggressive,
+their hats were on the backs of their heads, and enormous
+chrysanthemums bulged from their buttonholes, and must, I should think,
+have been a source of constant irritation to their chins.  The girls
+giggled when they saw me, and one of the men asked me what I wanted.  I
+told him I was looking for a comfortable place in which to sit down and
+that he seemed to have found it first.  The girls giggled again and the
+men swore; it was a most commonplace scene.  I went back across the
+lawn and was just going to join Foster, when I heard a tremendous burst
+of laughter from the room above ours.  There was only one man who could
+laugh like that and he was Jack Ward.  At that moment I wished him
+anywhere, for I guessed quite rightly that he had driven over to
+Sampford with some men whose luncheon would not consist of cold beef
+and beer.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I hoped to goodness we should get away without Foster seeing them, so I
+began to eat without saying anything, except that there was a most vile
+noise up-stairs.  I need not have troubled to say so much since Foster
+was not deaf.  I ate my luncheon hurriedly and gulped down my beer so
+fast that something went wrong with my wind-pipe.  To the accompaniment
+of my coughs and peals of laughter from the room above, Fred sat eating
+with a comical expression of misery upon his face.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Rowdy brutes," he said, and pointed to the ceiling.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I tried to answer, but failed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should think they will get kicked out in a minute," he continued.
+"Aren't you going to have any pickles?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The room's so horribly stuffy," I managed to say; "I vote we go when
+you are ready."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We've only just come.  I haven't nearly done yet, and I am going to
+have a smoke when I've finished."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I resigned myself to the situation and seized the pickles; there was
+only one left and that was an onion.  The noise increased and a huge
+piece of bread fell on the lawn in front of our window.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Bloods always throw bread at each other, don't they?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't suppose they are any worse than anybody else," I answered;
+"there is not much harm in a bread pellet."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That thing out there is half a loaf," he returned, "and at any rate
+they make a fairly bad row," which were statements I could not deny.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We heard a man go heavily up-stairs and knock at the door.  He was
+received with clamorous approval, but after a little conversation the
+noise ceased and there was a most refreshing calm.  I had hopes that
+nothing more was going to happen, so I sat down by the fire and lit a
+cigarette.  For ten minutes Fred and I were not interrupted, but I had
+already recognized the voices of Bunny Langham and Dennison, and I
+might have guessed that there was not likely to be much peace.  Our
+windows were wide open, and presently I began to hear a kind of choked
+laughter going on at the window above.  What was happening I did not
+know, but I suspected that some fresh game had begun and I wanted very
+much to know what it was.  I did not, however, wish them to see me nor
+was I anxious for Fred to see them, so I suggested that we should start
+back to Oxford.  Fred agreed to this, and getting up from his chair he
+walked out into the garden.  No sooner was he on the lawn than I saw
+him jump like a hare and put his hand up to his neck.  At the same
+moment the beanfeasters rushed out of their arbour and fairly went for
+him.  While this happened I was standing at the window wondering how I
+could persuade him to come back into the room, but as soon as I saw
+these two aggressive-looking men, not to mention their ladies, talking
+to him in most bellicose language, I went out.  One of them at once
+caught hold of me by the coat and spoke so fast and strangely that I
+did not altogether understand what he was saying.  He mentioned the
+name of Susan a great many times, and when he had finished tugging at
+my coat I asked him if there was anything the matter with the lady.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Look at 'er," he said; "just look at 'er.  I'm a respectable married
+man, married, last Thursday as ever was, and I'll 'ave compensation for
+this as sure as my name's Tom 'Arrison."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not want to hear any more of his autobiography, so I looked at
+the lady pointed out as Susan.  I couldn't see much of her face because
+she had her hand over it, but I did not think they were an ill-assorted
+couple.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Has she been stung by a wasp?" I asked.  "A blue-bag&mdash;&mdash;"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Look 'ere," the man interrupted and caught me again by the coat, "none
+of your bloomin' innocence.  You spied us out in that 'ere arbour, and
+'ave been peppering us with peas for the last ever so long, and one of
+you 'as 'it Susan sock in the eye.  Enough to make 'er an object for a
+fortnight, and us newly married.  Where, I should like to know, do I
+come in?" and I had great difficulty in wriggling his hand away from my
+coat.  The man made me angry, and I told him I hadn't the least notion
+where he came in, but if he thought we were big enough babies to use
+peashooters he was jolly well mistaken.  I looked round at Foster and
+found that he was being talked at by the remaining couple, who also
+looked as if they were newly married.  I heard the word Bella, and saw
+the lady so called endeavouring to draw Foster's attention to a mark on
+her arm.  Susan stood in the middle of the lawn and wept; I felt quite
+sorry for her, but the other three were really an intolerable nuisance.
+Tom Harrison declared it was worth two pounds any day, that Susan's
+beauty was spoilt, and that everybody would say they had been fighting
+already.  I smiled when he said "already," and for a moment I thought
+he was going to hit me.  He thought better of it, however, and I
+concluded that if he had intended to fight he would have begun then, so
+I turned my back upon him and looked at the window up-stairs.  There
+was not a sound coming from the room, and as I turned again to attend
+to Harrison I heard hoots of laughter, and a dog-cart passed along the
+road which skirted the garden.  As it went by I saw Jack Ward stand up
+on the back of the cart and look over the hedge.  When he saw what was
+happening he leant forward to speak to Bunny Langham, who was driving,
+and as they passed out of sight I thought that he was trying to get
+hold of the reins.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The men went on talking; Susan wept steadily, and Bella said her arm
+was visibly swelling, and that she must have been hit by something far
+more dangerous than a pea.  They were not by any means interesting and
+I was glad to see the landlord coming from the house to join us.  He
+created the diversion of which we were badly in need, and Tom Harrison
+became more eloquent than ever.  But the landlord, as soon as he could
+make himself heard, was most thoroughly on the side of peace; he
+flourished his arms and declared, until I was weary, that a mistake had
+been made.  "These are not the gentlemen who shot at you.  Do they look
+like gentlemen who would use pea-shooters?"  I did not know what a man
+ought to look like who would not use a peashooter, but I did my best.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"These are two nice quiet gentlemen," he went on; "took their food
+quite quiet."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And haven't paid for it yet," I interrupted; "how much is it?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That will be a matter of half-a-crown each," he said, and I paid him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In the meantime Bella, who ought to have been watched, had walked into
+our sitting-room and found the visitors' book.  She returned
+triumphantly.  "I know one of their names, and that will be a deal more
+use than standing jawing here," she shouted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I looked at Foster inquiringly.  "I bought a blessed fountain pen
+yesterday and wanted to see if the thing would work," he explained; "it
+seems to have worked too well."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"'F. L. Foster, Oriel College, Oxford,' in writing as easy to read as
+the newspaper.  Which of you two is it that writes just like me?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Foster solemnly took off his hat.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then you, I guess, will 'ear more of this," Tom Harrison declared;
+"for the tale that it ain't you is a little too 'ot for us, isn't it?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Susan stopped wiping her eyes and joined in a chorus of assent.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know what you expect to get," Foster said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You needn't bother about that.  We know," Tom Harrison replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After a little more conversation we started on our way back to Oxford,
+and as we left the garden I heard Tom Harrison say, "Two beers and two
+bottles of stout as quick as we can 'ave em; my throat's like a
+limekiln."  And considering the amount he had said at the top of his
+voice, I should think it was very likely true.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap08"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER VIII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+Our walk was certainly not a success, in fact I was very sick of it
+before we reached Oxford, because I am no good at walking and cannot
+stride along at a steady pace.  And it also involved me in what, if
+real diplomatists will pardon me, I will call diplomacy, in which art
+or craft, or whatever the right name of it may be, I am most unskilled.
+I was on the point of telling Fred that I knew the party of peashooters
+when he, being in a much happier state of mind than he had been in the
+morning, began to talk about Jack Ward, and to say that I was very
+likely right about him, and that he was sure to be a nice kind of man
+when one got to know him.  Hearing this made me put off what I was
+going to say, and when I begin to postpone anything I am lost.  Second
+thoughts with me nearly always lead to trouble, however good they may
+be for other people.  I think I must have taken a fatherly interest in
+Ward, for what else it could have been which made me wish to shield him
+I do not know.  But I had seen him stand up in the dog-cart, and I
+thought he had recognized me and had tried to make Langham turn back,
+so I determined not to tell Fred anything until I had found out what
+really happened.  But I felt very uncomfortable, for I do hate keeping
+things dark, and when he went on to say that the pea-shooting people
+must have been unutterable bounders to go away and leave us in the
+lurch, I was again on the point of telling him that Ward was one of
+them, only he suddenly began to sing, which gave me time to think, and
+frightened two children who came round a corner of the road.  We were
+quite close to Broadmoor lunatic asylum at that moment, and Fred
+walking along with his hat in his hand might easily have been mistaken
+for some one else.  His mood had become most cheerful, and he said that
+he did not suppose Tom Harrison would ever be heard of again, and that
+the whole thing had been rather fun; but he added that he should like
+to tell the men who had been in the room above us what he thought of
+them.  He also told me that he had never known me so quiet, and when I
+continued to be silent he asked me if I was well, which annoyed me, for
+I am often asked that question when I do not happen to be talking, and
+in a lurking sort of way there seems to me to be something insulting
+about it.  I answered that I was thinking, which was quite true, but he
+only laughed and said I must have changed a lot lately.  I was quite
+tired of him before we separated in the High, and he was angry because
+I would not go to Oriel and have tea, but I felt that the day so far
+had been a hopeless failure, and I wanted to see Jack Ward.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I got back to my rooms at St. Cuthbert's my fire was nearly out
+and I saw two notes lying on the table, but could not find any matches
+to light my lamp.  I felt more gloomy than ever, and I was already
+feeling as if I had treated Fred most unfairly.  I might say that my
+end was all right, or I might declare that I meant well, which is
+another way of saying that I was a fool, and of the two I think the
+latter is the more correct.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray had borrowed my matches and I spoke severely to him without
+producing any effect except amusement; whether I was thinking or angry
+the result seemed to be always the same&mdash;laughter, silly, idiotic
+chuckles.  I was in a very fair rage before I got my lamp to light, and
+I upset a large box of matches on the floor.  Murray came and helped to
+pick them up, and he bumped my nose with his head.  I felt sure that it
+was his fault and told him so, and he said I could jolly well pick up
+my own matches; so I apologized, for though my nose hurt there were a
+lot of matches still on the floor, and it was no use making my nose out
+worse than it was to spite my face.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After that I read my notes, and they were not the usual invitations to
+breakfast, of which I had already received enough.  The first was to
+ask me to play for the twenty against the Rugger XV. in the Parks on
+the following Tuesday, and the second was from Miss Davenport to ask me
+to luncheon with the Warden on the same day.  These notes were more or
+less commands, but I neither felt very keen on playing for the XX. nor
+on lunching with the Warden.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall be glad when Tuesday is over," I said to Murray; "I have to
+lunch with the Warden."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I lunched there last Tuesday," he returned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What was it like?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Like no meal I have ever been at before.  Miss Davenport talked all
+the time and the Warden said precious little, but I was too afraid to
+listen to her for fear he might ask me something and I should not catch
+what he said.  Apart from saying 'yes' and 'no' and 'please' and 'thank
+you,' he only spoke once, and then it was the most extraordinarily long
+sentence I have ever heard.  It began about pork, which Miss Davenport
+said was more wholesome than people imagined, it went on about the
+Jews, and finished up with a tale about Nero.  He chuckled over his
+tale, but I didn't see much point in it, and Miss Davenport looked as
+if she had heard it before."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I know that tale, it's a chestnut; I can't remember it, but Nero
+behaved like a beast to a lot of Jews who came to see him in Rome.  The
+Warden oughtn't to tell old tales and then chuckle over them; besides,
+Nero was a brute."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think that would make any difference to the Warden.  He
+terrifies me; I daren't say anything because I am sure he would
+remember that it was a stupid thing to say.  I felt as if I was a
+convict, and that if I spoke I should give myself away.  I can tell you
+it was something awful, and for all I know he may have expected me to
+say something."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Probably not," I replied; "I should think he hears far too many people
+jawing.  I hope he makes me feel like a convict, and then I shall
+behave myself all right, but a silence at a meal gives me fits."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Miss Davenport is never silent," Murray asserted.  "If she can talk
+about pork, you may guess she has plenty to say.  The Warden looks at
+her in a forgiving sort of way&mdash;as if he knows she is talking rot, but
+can't help herself."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They must be a funny pair.  You don't think I shall laugh, do you?" I
+asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I didn't feel like laughing.  I never thought of it in that way, but
+it couldn't strike you as being funny while you are there."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know," I said; "I think I had better be ill on Tuesday." But
+then I remembered I had got to play footer, and I chucked the card over
+to Murray.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've got to play in this thing, too.  The Warden kicks you out about
+two, so it will be all right.  You simply must go.  Where have you been
+to this afternoon?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I walked to Sampford with Foster, and we had a row there with two men,
+not much of a row.  I must go and see Ward."  I jumped up, but the
+chapel bell began to ring, and I had to postpone seeing him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am all behind with my chapels and roll-calls," I said to Murray;
+"this will be my twenty-first, and five weeks of the term have gone."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I kept six chapels last week," Murray answered; "you will have to go
+hard to keep nineteen in three weeks."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I mean doing it and getting up very early in the morning.  I am going
+to reform," and I left him at the chapel door, for he, being a scholar,
+sat in the seats behind all of us who were commoners or exhibitioners.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After chapel, at which the Regius Professor of Divinity preached and
+told us that Sunday luncheon parties were very wrong, I seized Ward and
+bore him off to his rooms, where we found Dennison sitting by the fire
+with his legs stuck up on the mantelpiece.  I wanted to see Ward alone,
+but Dennison had been at Sampford, so he did not matter much, though
+Ward with Dennison never seemed to be quite the same as he was without
+him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison twisted round in his chair, and as soon as he saw me he began
+to talk.  "You ought to have been with us this afternoon," he said, "we
+had a most lovely rag.  Bunny Langham took us over to Sampford in his
+cart, and I had a peashooter."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The loveliness of the rag was too much for him, and he had to stop his
+account of it so that he might laugh.  I looked at Ward, and although
+he did not appear to be very amused, he showed no signs of knowing that
+Foster and I had been at Sampford.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"After lunch," Dennison went on, "I discovered some people in an
+arbour, the bill and coo business, and I fairly peppered them; I am no
+end of a shot with a peashooter."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You missed them about a dozen times," Ward put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Those were sighting shots, you must get your range, and they were
+about as far off as my shooter will carry; but I got them out of the
+place at last, and another fellow, Oxford written all over him, walked
+bang into them.  I gave him one on the neck and then we bolted.  It was
+a pity we couldn't stop and see what happened."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We ought to have stopped," Ward declared and disappeared into his
+bedroom.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can tell you what happened," I said, and I lifted Dennison's legs
+off the mantelpiece and stood between him and the fire.  I had been
+angry before Dennison described Foster as having Oxford written all
+over him, but the cheek of labelling Fred as if he was some tailor's
+dummy made me furious.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison looked at me and then shouted for Ward.  "Marten can tell us
+what happened after we went, come and hear it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Wait a second.  I am going to dine with Bunny at the Sceptre and am
+changing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In a minute he appeared and went on dressing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think you are the meanest lot of brutes unhung," I began, for I had
+been given time to think of something which would make Dennison see at
+once that this joke was not such a good one after all.  "Foster of
+Oriel was one of the men you bolted from, and I was the other, and the
+thing isn't ended yet, for they got Foster's name.  You hit one woman
+in the eye; do you think that very funny?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sheer bad luck," Dennison said, but he did not look quite as unruffled
+and smug as usual.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward stood with his tie in his hand and did not say a word.  I knew
+already that he had wanted to go back when he saw that there was a row,
+and since he had neither recognized Foster nor me my wrath was
+concentrated upon Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You may call it what you like," I continued, "but if you get up a row
+and then haven't the pluck to see it out I call it a dirty thing to do."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought that must be enough to rouse Dennison, but he actually smiled
+at me and told me to go on.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What do you think?" I asked Ward.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course I did not recognize you and Foster, but when I saw those
+people had buttoned on to the wrong man I said we ought to go back.  I
+wish that we had gone back," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What did they do?" Dennison inquired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They found out Foster's name, and one of them, an awful man called Tom
+Harrison, says he is going to get compensation from him because you hit
+Susan in the eye with a pea and hadn't the decency to stay there and
+own up to it.  There's the dinner bell, and I'm about sick of you
+fellows."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hit Susan in the eye," Dennison said reflectively.  "Was Susan Tom
+Harrison's inamorata?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Talk English and I may answer you.  It doesn't matter a row of pins
+who Susan was as long as she has a black eye," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is evidently no good speaking to you until you have calmed down.
+You remind me of a damp squib, all fuss and no result.  I am going to
+dinner," Dennison said, and went out of the room without looking at
+either Ward or myself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall do something awful to that brute before I have finished with
+him.  He makes me mad," I said, and Ward walked across the room to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am most horribly sorry about this," he began, "and I will come back
+straight from the Sceptre and see you.  Be in at nine o'clock."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You didn't shoot at those people, did you?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No; but well, you see, Dennison is better than I am at getting in for
+a row, and I am better at getting out of it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's a low-down hound," I asserted, and after promising to be in at
+nine o'clock I seized my gown and went away.  As I went into the hall I
+met Collier, and during dinner I expressed my opinion of Dennison very
+freely.  There are times at Oxford when you regret most tremendously
+that you have left school, and this was one of them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A fellow like that would be kicked at any decent school," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He was kicked at Charbury until he managed to become a sort of blood.
+He played racquets very well," Collier added, as if by way of an excuse.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why do we put up with him?" I asked viciously, for I could see him
+making Lambert and Webb shout with laughter at the table opposite me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know," Collier answered, "I suppose it's his smile.  What part
+of a fowl do you think this is? it looks to me like the neck."  He
+turned it over several times and then called a servant.  "Please take
+this back, and say I have to be very careful what I eat.  I keep a
+list, and this isn't on it.  I never saw that joint before," he added
+to me, and lost all interest in Dennison.  I thought it a pity that
+Collier took so much trouble over what he ate; the sight of that
+unusual joint made him quite silent and inattentive during the rest of
+the meal.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went to his rooms after dinner, as I felt sleepy, and he never did
+anything on Sunday except sleep, eat, and go to chapel.  His room was
+full of tinted literature, but I never saw him read it, and I believe
+he bought <I>The Sporting Times</I> on Saturdays so that he could give it to
+any man who attacked him with conversation on his day of rest.  His
+table was covered by a most miscellaneous dessert, and I asked him if
+he expected a lot of men.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not a soul," he replied, and sank into a chair by the fire.  "I have
+this every Sunday night, because my people pay my common-room bill, and
+I have to pay everything else out of my allowance.  They told me to do
+myself well, but after this term I expect they will see that this odd
+sort of arrangement won't work.  I can feed a regiment on almonds and
+raisins without it costing me a sou.  Help yourself to coffee, stick
+the dish of anchovy toast down between us, and if you want to read
+there are three Sunday papers and a crowd of old magazines."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I sat by the fire and read four short stories to pass the time.
+Dennison poked his head into the room and withdrew it when he saw me.
+I congratulated myself upon that little incident, for I felt that if he
+understood how I hated the sight of him something would have been
+gained.  At nine o'clock I left Collier and went to my rooms to wait
+for Ward.  I did not expect him to be punctual, because I guessed that
+a dinner given by Bunny Langham would be difficult to leave.  He turned
+up, however, in about half-an-hour, and said he was jolly glad to get
+away from the Sceptre.  "Bunny's all right," he said, "but some of his
+friends are too much&mdash;even for me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I replied that Bunny was all wrong, and said why I thought so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't know him," Ward explained; "he would never leave any one in
+a hole if he thought for a second.  He's the most good-natured, weak
+kind of man on earth, but he would never do the wrong thing.  He goes
+straight over a precious difficult country, for he hasn't got any more
+will than a rabbit and is as blind as a bat.  He will be in trouble to
+the end of his days, but he will never make any one ashamed of him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought this was rather a glorified conception of the Bunny I knew,
+so I said nothing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You must see that he is a good sort," Ward said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Everybody's a good sort," I answered impatiently.  "Collier calls the
+fellow with the green-baize apron who collects the boots a good sort,
+and some man I met at home, who talked about emperors and kings as if
+they were all his cousins, declared that the Sultan of Morocco was the
+best sort he had ever met&mdash;when one got to know him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't wonder you are sick," he returned.  "I should be if any one
+had done to me what we did to you and Foster this afternoon.  It looks
+pretty rotten on the face of it, and I am as sorry as blazes that you
+had to have a row with those men."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm not sick about the row," I answered; "that would have been fun if
+they hadn't got Foster's name."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward lay back in his chair, and tried to blow rings of smoke from his
+cigarette.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then you are just angry because you think we ought to have come back,"
+he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, I'm not," I replied, and I felt horribly uncomfortable.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He looked most thoroughly puzzled.  "What on earth do you mean?" he
+asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I got up and walked about the room before I spoke.  "It's this way," I
+began.  "I wanted you and Foster to like each other, because he is the
+greatest friend I have, and I like you.  And when I had been saying
+what a good fellow you were, you go and make a most infernal row in a
+pub on Sunday afternoon and then bolt.  I saw you in that confounded
+cart, and I ought to have told Foster that I knew you were the fellow
+who bolted.  But I didn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward sat staring in front of him, and did not speak for some time.  "I
+don't think I could ever be friends with Foster," he said at last; "he
+hated me at sight; but it is deucedly good of you all the same.  I will
+write him a note and tell him I was the man.  I was going to do that,
+anyhow."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You weren't the man," I asserted; "it was that little brute, Dennison."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He doesn't count," Ward said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was disposed to agree with him on that point, but I thought that he
+and I had better go round and see Foster in the morning, instead of
+writing a note.  He did not like this at first, but after some talking
+he said that he would come, and on the next morning we went round to
+Oriel.  We made Foster look a most awful idiot, but that could not be
+helped.  I know that if two men came to me simply bulging with
+apologies, I should look for the nearest window.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred hardly said anything but "All right" and "For goodness' sake don't
+say a word more about it," but it showed that Ward was not as bad as he
+thought him.  I stayed behind after Ward had gone so that I might put
+things a little more straight, but Fred would not listen to another
+word.  "You were in a vile temper yesterday afternoon, and now I know
+the cause.  That's enough, so shut up.  You seem to have become a kind
+of guardian to Ward," and then he stopped suddenly, for it struck him
+that he had said one of those things which funny people say, and he
+would never have done that on purpose.  I assured him that I knew he
+had said it accidentally, but it stopped us talking about Ward,
+because, when you hate puns, it is most discomforting to make one
+suddenly.  I made a pun once&mdash;I can still remember it, because if I had
+performed this feat intentionally I should have deserved all I got.
+What I did get was a dig in the ribs from Collier and the remark, "You
+are a wag," and then I had to repeat it to his three cousins, one of
+whom was deaf and none of whom understood it, though they all laughed.
+It was a Latin pun.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I am one of those people, Oliver Cromwell was another, to whom
+important things happened on a certain day.  Tuesday was my day, I
+forget which his was, but it does not matter, because it is to be found
+in histories and almanacs.  My day is not a matter of interest to
+anybody, but all the same I was born on a Tuesday, and things which I
+have had special reason to remember or regret have generally happened
+to me&mdash;so my mother says&mdash;on the same day.  And it was on a Tuesday
+that I lunched with the Warden and began a curious sort of friendship
+with him.  I suppose that I ought not to talk of a friendship between a
+man like the Warden, who was a mighty man of learning, and myself, but
+after all he gave me one of his books, and wrote in it, "To my young
+friend and quondam companion."  "Quondam" was rather a pity, perhaps;
+it sounds pedantic, and the Warden was no pedant, unless he wanted to
+snub people.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went to his luncheon, and, having neuralgia, said nothing until he
+told me that he knew Mr. Prettyman, who was one of the masters at
+Cliborough.  If the Warden knew Prettyman I guessed that he had also
+heard something about me, and I thought I might as well stick up for
+myself as far as possible, so I said that Mr. Prettyman was the sort of
+man who, when you had lost a thing, always asked you where you had put
+it.  He had on one occasion actually done this to me, and annoyed me
+very much.  The Warden took no notice of my remark, and I was left to
+my neuralgia until the end of the meal.  The other men who were there
+talked a lot; one of them said what he thought of Irving in <I>Hamlet</I>,
+and another criticized the paintings of Watts; the Warden kept his
+opinions to himself, and at two o'clock asked us what we were going to
+do in the afternoon.  All of us were bent on active employment, but
+just as I was leaving the dining-room, he called me back and asked me
+if I would go for a walk with him at three o'clock on the following
+Thursday afternoon.  I was too confused to remember what I said, and I
+only recollect that I left his house feeling as if something very awful
+was going to happen.  I changed to play for the XX. against the XV. in
+a kind of daymare, if there is a state of mind which can be so
+described, and I had a good deal to say to Murray, as we walked down to
+the Parks together, about my luck.  Murray laughed all the way from St.
+Cuthbert's to Keble; he kept on breaking out into small cackles, which,
+of all the bad ways of laughing, must be the worst.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I started to play footer that afternoon without troubling to think how
+I should play.  I could see myself marching slowly along the Woodstock
+road with the Warden, and however badly I played did not seem to matter
+much, for there was something far more awful to come.  The XV. began to
+press at once, and I, as full-back, had plenty to do.  What I did was
+reckless; I simply did not care what happened, and everything I tried
+seemed to come off.  Everybody who plays games has an occasional day
+when things get twisted round, and it is easier to do right than wrong.
+Those are the days for which we live in hope, and one of mine came on
+that Tuesday.  I knew the whole thing was a fluke, and I told Murray
+and Foster so after the game, but they both said that I had given Sykes
+of Merton, who was playing back for the XV., something to think about.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+During the next day, visions of my blue floated before me, and the
+prospect of walking with the Warden lost its terrors, until I went
+round to see Fred on Thursday morning.  I wanted him to give me some
+hints, but I am sorry so say he saw only the humorous side of my
+engagement, and was very exasperating when he might have been extremely
+useful.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap09"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER IX
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+A SURPRISE
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+When I left my rooms to walk with the Warden, I imagined that every one
+I met was laughing at me, and being intensely on the alert for insults,
+I was very displeased with the butler when he came to the door, and
+surveyed me.  "What can you want with the Warden?" was written plainly
+over his face.  I have never met a man who could be more gravely
+condescending than the Warden's butler, and I know several first-class
+cricketers, two headmasters, a popular novelist, and a rising
+politician aged twenty-four.  I should have enjoyed telling that man
+what I thought of him, but a doorstep is a poor place for an
+altercation, unless it is with a cabman, and I saw the Warden advancing
+upon me clad in a cloak, and carrying a most useful umbrella, which
+must have been rolled up by himself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The appearance of the Warden might have surprised any one, but it could
+have impressed nobody.  You had to know that he was a Warden, and wrote
+books about religion and philosophy, before you could feel afraid of
+him.  If he was a precisian in the choice of words, he certainly was
+not one in the matter of dress.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think," he said, with just a glance at me to see if I was the right
+man, "that we will enter the Parks by the gates opposite to Keble
+College; we shall be more or less interrupted by the noisy, if
+necessary, shouts of football players, but we shall escape the
+authoritative note of the bicycle bell."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There wasn't much that I could say in answer to this, so I walked down
+the Broad in silence, and tried in vain to keep step with my companion.
+Before we had reached Wadham his shuffle had got upon my nerves, and I
+wished furiously that he would say something to me.  He seemed to have
+tucked his head into his neck, and to have retired into the world of
+contemplation.  As we entered the Parks I was seized with a wild desire
+to run away.  I had not uttered a word, and I had arrived at a state of
+mind which prompted me to give a terrific yell, just to see what would
+happen next.  When I feel like that I must speak at least, so I said
+that it looked as if it might rain.  It is not likely that I should
+have made such a remark if I could have thought of any other, and it
+had the merit of not being startling and also of being true.  But if I
+had given the yell which I wished to give, I could not have produced a
+greater effect upon the Warden.  I think that he had forgotten my
+existence, and for a moment he could not remember why I was with him.
+He poked his head forward, and looked at me until I regretted my effort
+at conversation, and was dreadfully afraid I should have to repeat it;
+a remark about the weather in some way or other seems to lose all its
+sparkle when it is repeated.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Warden, however, had heard what I said, and when he had detached
+himself from whatever he was thinking about, he answered me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am not one of those who pretend to any extraordinary knowledge of
+weather symptoms," he began, and he stood in the middle of the path,
+while a gardener leant on his spade and watched us; "indeed, I have
+often noticed that those who make the greatest pretensions of that kind
+are themselves most frequently mistaken.  In fact, my friend Dr.
+Marshall, who wrote the meteorological reports for <I>The Times</I>
+newspaper, was frequently himself in doubt whether or no to take out an
+umbrella for a walk."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not venture to interrupt him again for some time, and my next
+outbreak was quite unpremeditated.  We were passing a college rugger
+match, and a pass which was palpably forward escaped the notice of the
+referee.  I joined in the cry of "forward" which was raised, and the
+Warden stopped once more and actually smiled.  On this occasion I had
+forgotten all about him, and my shout probably surprised him as much as
+me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sorry," I said to him, "but I really couldn't help it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is no occasion to express or even to feel regret," he answered,
+and his eyes twinkled delightfully; "if youth lost its spontaneity it
+would at one and the same moment lose its charm.  Did your cry refer to
+this?"  He pointed with his umbrella to a scrimmage which was taking
+place a few yards away from us.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Some one threw the ball forward, which he is not allowed to do," I
+explained, and a man was hurled into touch close to the spot where we
+were standing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The game of football which I believe bears the honoured name of Rugby
+appeals, or it seems to me to appeal, to the more violent of the
+emotions.  Do you play this game, which strikes the eye of the
+observant, but not initiated, as the relic of an age in which brute
+force rather than science was the aim of the athlete?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He walked on as he finished speaking, and I told him that I played
+Rugby football and liked it.  "I like nearly every game," I added.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He glanced at me quickly, and after we had walked a little way he began
+again.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The excellent Lord Chesterfield in his <I>Letters</I> stated that it was
+very disagreeable to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to be so;
+most of my young friends impress me with the fact that they have
+learned that maxim too well.  But you on the contrary&mdash;&mdash;" He waved his
+umbrella and did not finish the sentence.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is no harm in liking games," I answered; "if I did not take
+heaps of exercise I should never be well, or able to read."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Heaps of exercise," he repeated, and looked oddly at me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I mean a fearful lot of exercise," I explained.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You did not quote 'Mens sana in corpore sano,' for which I have to
+thank you, even if your use of the English language affords reasonable
+grounds for protest.  Heaps of mud, heaps of rubbish, but not, I think,
+heaps of exercise."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Heaps of money," I ventured to suggest, but he shook his head sadly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We were talking of athletics," he said, "which represent to me the
+most sweeping epidemic of the century.  Do not let athletics spread
+their deadly, if in one sense empurpling, pall over your University
+life.  Oxford has many gifts for those who are willing to receive them;
+do not, my friend, be content with the least which she can give.  The
+maxim of Mr. Browning, that the grasp of a man should exceed his reach,
+if not an ennobling maxim, must not be forgotten entirely."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I walked by his side in silence, for I knew that the Warden did not
+often give advice to an undergraduate.  His language even seemed to
+have become less carefully chosen, and I felt that he intended to be
+not only human but kind, for there was no special reason why he should
+talk to me unless he wished.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He did not speak again until we reached St. Cuthbert's, but when we had
+reached the back quadrangle he stopped, and after poking the ground
+with his umbrella, said&mdash;
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I would do nothing willingly to lessen your enthusiasm, you have, I
+believe, been endowed liberally with that most exhilarating virtue; I
+would only suggest to you that your enthusiasm need not of necessity be
+expended solely upon athletics.  I hope that we shall be able to enjoy
+very many walks together."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thrust out my hand, but he hesitated; I forgot that I had nearly made
+him shout with pain a few weeks before, but he, as far as I know, never
+forgot anything.  He trusted me, however, and I treated him very gently.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As soon as the Warden had disappeared into his house I heard a bellow
+of derisive laughter at a window above me, and looking up I saw
+Dennison standing there; but at that moment I hated him even more than
+I did usually, and I walked off to see Jack Ward without even saying
+what I thought of him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack was having a bath when I got to his rooms, and while he was
+dressing he told me how he had been spending the afternoon.  I never
+knew what he might do next&mdash;he flew off at tangents so often&mdash;but I was
+surprised to hear how he had been employing himself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Perhaps you will think me a fool," he began, "but that Tom Harrison
+affair gave me the jumps, and I couldn't wait to see if Foster was
+going to be tackled.  So I rode over to Sampford, and the man said that
+Harrison lived in a village a few miles off.  I had lunch at Sampford
+and then went on, and, to cut it short, the whole thing is settled."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You paid?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not very much; and Tom said I was the first gentleman he had ever
+known come from Oxford&mdash;you must pay for a remark like that.  He
+described us as 'bloomin' 'aughty,' and 'not enough brass to buy a
+moke.'  Do you know that you are playing for the 'Varsity on Saturday
+against Blackheath?  I want to go up to town, so I shall come and see
+you play."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought that he was trying to prevent me from thanking him, and I did
+not really believe that I was going to play until he took his oath that
+I was.  Then we had tea, and I thanked him; for if there is one thing
+in the world of which I will not be baulked it is thanking people.  I
+hate doing it so much, that it has got to be done.  Jack, however, did
+not pretend to listen to what I said, and after I had finished we
+talked about Dennison; both of us were sick to death of him, but when
+you are always meeting a man in other people's rooms, and he won't see
+that you don't like him, it is not very easy to get rid of him; for
+when you are a fresher you can't choose your friends so easily as you
+can when your first year is over.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After dinner Fred came round to tell me that we were both playing
+against Blackheath, and as Jack came in as well, I said that I would
+get another man to play whist.  I went to Murray, because I was most
+anxious that he should be friends with Jack; but I did not tell him
+that Jack was one of the four, or I am sure that he would not have
+come.  I liked both Murray and Jack, and I thought that when I got them
+together each would see what a nice man the other was, for I was again
+in the mood when everything seems to be easy.  But I cannot say that my
+efforts were successful; their politeness knocked every spark of
+cheeriness out of the game, and we played in dreadful silence, which
+may be all right for very good players, but it does not suit me in the
+least.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When Murray looked at his watch and said that he must be going, I felt
+quite relieved, and I decided then that I would stop trying to make
+Murray and Jack like each other, for the process was too painful and
+slow for me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After he had gone I told Foster what Ward had been doing, and it was
+really quite funny to see how confused they were.  Fred said how good
+it was of Ward to have taken so much bother about nothing, which was
+not quite what he meant, but it did very well; and Ward mumbled
+something in reply, which neither of us could hear.  Altogether they
+managed it most successfully, and when Fred went away Ward said that he
+would see him to the lodge.  I found out afterwards that he stopped me
+going with Fred, so that he might tell him nothing would have happened
+if he had not seen Tom Harrison; he was the kind of man who never tried
+to get more credit than he deserved, unless it was from Oxford
+tradesmen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Playing against Blackheath on the Rectory field before a large crowd of
+people was good fun, and at the end of the game I thought that I had
+managed to escape without making a very pitiable exhibition of myself.
+But on the following Monday the sporting papers criticized me most
+unpleasantly.  "Marten was obviously nervous, and did not seem to
+settle down until the game was lost."  "As full-back Marten had much to
+learn; his tackling was good, but his kicking left much to be desired,
+and he seldom found touch."   I turned from <I>The Sportsman</I> and
+<I>Sporting Life</I> to <I>The Daily Telegraph</I>, and found that I had shown
+"more pluck than judgment."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I felt that Sykes of Merton must be having an enjoyable morning, and
+even the fact that the critics unanimously praised Foster was of little
+assistance to me.  My chance had come, and I had not taken it; there
+could not have been a more miserable man in Oxford, and for a whole
+solid week I never cut a lecture or did anything of which even Mr.
+Edwardes could disapprove.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Sykes reappeared in the 'Varsity team, and Foster declared that the
+whole thing was a swindle; but he was more prejudiced in my favour than
+I was myself.  The last match of the term at Oxford, and the one
+previous to the 'Varsity match, was against the Old Cliburians, and the
+O. C.s having had a disastrous season Adamson, who always played centre
+three-quarters with Foster, did not play, but put a man from Queen's in
+his place.  This man, whose name was Pott, had been laid up all the
+term, and two or three people said it was lucky for Foster that Pott
+had not been able to play before.  I played back for the O. C.s, and
+the game was enough to make any Cambridge man who saw it stand on his
+head with delight.  The 'Varsity could do nothing right; the passing
+broke down time after time, and the forwards got impatient and kicked
+too hard.  I thought Foster was the one man on the side who played
+decently, but five minutes before the end, when we were leading by a
+goal to nothing, Pott made a very good run and got a try in the corner.
+It seemed to me that this was the only thing he did during the whole
+game, and it was my fault that he got the try, for I went for him a
+second too late and he fell over the line, but the place-kick went
+crooked, and we won by a goal to a try.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Adamson, who was touch-judging, said what he thought about the 'Varsity
+team, and he could be the most uncomplimentary man in Europe when he
+liked.  His temper was awful, and it did not seem to be improved by the
+use of expletives.  This game was played on a Saturday, and on the
+following Wednesday week we had to play the 'Varsity match at Queen's
+Club.  The Cambridge team was published in the papers on the Monday,
+but some one told me that our committee were not meeting until the
+Monday evening.  This did not interest me much, for apart from wanting
+to see that Fred had got his blue, and I thought he was a certainty, I
+did not mind who else was chosen.  Sykes had played better against the
+O. C.s than he had ever done before, and even Fred said that he was
+afraid my chance had gone for this year.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After dinner on Monday evening I was sitting in my rooms with Murray,
+and although it was not nine o'clock, I was wondering how soon I could
+go to bed, when Ward suddenly burst in, fairly bubbling over with
+excitement.  He turned me right out of my chair, and hitting me
+violently on the back, said he had never been so awfully glad in all
+his life.  My first impression was that he had been made glad by wine,
+and I told him to clear out if he could not behave himself, which made
+him catch hold of me and dance me round the room.  By the time we had
+finished I found that Dennison, Collier, Lambert, Webb and a host of
+other people had come to my rooms, and at last I discovered that I had
+got my blue.  For a moment I did not believe it, but I managed to push
+Ward into a corner, and told him I would never speak to him again if it
+was not true.  Then he swore that he had seen the names of the XV. to
+play against Cambridge stuck up in the window of Howell's shop in the
+Turl, and the first name he saw was G. Marten (St. Cuthbert's), back.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And Foster, of course?" I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then Jack Ward's face fell.  "No, they've gone mad," he answered; "it's
+that man Potts, of Queen's."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Men buzzed about congratulating me, and one part of me felt most
+tremendously glad, and the other part most outrageously sorry.  I said
+a lot of things about the committee, and everybody except Ward and
+Murray thought I had gone mad.  The college clock struck nine, and old
+Tom's nightly warning began to sound over the city.  I seized a cap and
+bolted down-stairs, leaving my rooms full of astonished men.  But Fred
+Foster was the only man I wanted to see, and by making a tremendous
+rush for Oriel I got there before the gates were closed.  I cannot
+describe how I was feeling that evening, but I knew that Fred was
+infinitely better at footer than I was, and in my wildest moments I had
+never imagined that I should be put in the XV. while he was left out of
+it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I found him sitting in his room alone, but directly he saw me he jumped
+up and began to talk.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I came to St. Cuthbert's to congratulate you," he began.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is a confounded swindle," I interrupted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But there was such a row in your rooms that I couldn't face it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have never been so sick about anything in my life," I said; and he
+looked so miserable that in spite of the comfortable sensation of
+having got my blue I meant it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It was a vile knock for me, but I don't mind half so much now one of
+us is in.  Your people will be most awfully glad."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They will think the committee are mad to leave you out and put me in.
+It upsets things altogether."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Pott's in his fourth year, and I must have another shot, that's all,"
+he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are bound to get your cricket blue," I declared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"When a man begins to miss getting in as I have done, he very often
+keeps on doing it," and he mentioned the names of two or three men who,
+with any luck, would have played both cricket and footer against
+Cambridge, but were never chosen.  "Don't bother about me," he went on,
+"but get yourself as fit as possible, and play like blazes at Queen's
+Club; you will be doing me a good turn if you play well, because at
+present they have got an idea up here that Cliborough fellows can't
+play footer.  I heard Adamson saying so."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I expressed my opinion of Adamson and went back to college, for I ought
+not to have been out after nine o'clock, because my gating would not
+finish.  But I must say that when the Subby sent for me, and I
+explained what had happened, he congratulated me on getting my blue,
+and said that under such exceptional circumstances he would excuse my
+forgetfulness.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For the next few days I got up and went to bed very early; I ran round
+the Parks before breakfast, which took me some time and was a most
+dreary occupation, and I kicked a ball about nearly every day.  All of
+my people went up to town for the match, and Fred and I joined them at
+the Langham on the Tuesday night.  My mother was dreadfully sorry for
+Fred, and Nina seemed to have forgotten that she was nearly grown-up,
+and gave herself no airs at all.  I think that Fred, who forgave
+swindles very quickly, found some consolation in the fact that he was
+going to watch the match with Nina, which would have amused me had I
+not been so anxious about the morrow.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There cannot be a more cheerless spot in London than the Queen's Club
+on a foggy December afternoon, but when I arrived there and found that
+we had got to play in semi-darkness my nervousness almost disappeared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After being photographed, and running about the ground to stretch our
+legs, we began, and for some time I should not think a full-back ever
+had less to do than I had.  The game settled down into one long
+scrimmage, and apart from making a few kicks, which were neither good
+nor bad, I was almost a spectator, and at half-time I was, in
+comparison with every one else, quite disgustingly clean.  We played
+towards the pavilion during the second half, and before ten minutes had
+passed I was covered with mud, if not with glory.  The Cambridge
+three-quarters got the ball, and after a round of passing one of them
+got a try right behind our posts.  Adamson promptly told me that it was
+my fault, but as a matter of fact Pott had slipped up at a critical
+moment and left his man unmarked, so I did not get much chance of
+preventing the try.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After this Cambridge pressed us hard, and I had to fall on the ball
+continually, which is a dismal performance until one gets warmed up to
+it.  Pott's knee had given way, and though he stayed on the ground and
+limped about, the Cambridge forwards seemed to be always rushing past
+him and hurling me to the ground.  Luck, however, was on our side, and
+though they were often on the point of scoring nothing really happened,
+and at last our forwards got the ball down to the other end of the
+ground.  I hoped for a little peace, but the man who plays full-back
+and expects such a thing is an idiot.  Only a few minutes were left
+when the Cambridge three-quarters got off again, and, Pott being
+useless, two men came at top speed for me.  Their centre had the ball,
+and had only to throw it to the wing man for a try to be a certainty.
+The wing man was an international and about the fastest three-quarter
+in Scotland, so I tried a little device, which was bad football, though
+in this case it came off.  My only chance was for the centre man to
+lose his head, and he lost it quite beautifully; if he had only gone on
+himself instead of trying to pass there was nobody to stop him, for I
+had made up my mind to prevent the fast man getting the ball whatever
+happened.  I ran in between them, and the centre passed right into my
+hands; at the same moment the wing man slipped up, and I was going for
+the Cambridge line as fast as I could.  No one being near me I think
+that I made one of the fastest runs of my life, but not having been
+blessed with speed I had to pass at last, and I happened to make quite
+a good shot, for one of our halves got the ball and ran in behind the
+posts.  Adamson kicked the goal all right, and the game ended in a draw
+directly afterwards.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I don't mind saying that as I walked off the ground I should have been
+glad if there had been less fog; I had suffered so much after the
+Cambridge try, that I should have been pleased if everybody had seen
+the finish; but after all Fred had managed to discover what had
+happened, and if there had not been a fog, I expect I should not have
+tried to intercept that pass, for it would have looked quite awful if I
+had not happened to do it.  All kinds of people congratulated me, and
+Adamson was good enough to acknowledge that I had atoned for my
+previous mistake; but I could not help wondering what he would have
+said if the Cambridge man had not happened to make such a bad pass.
+There was a condescension about Adamson which roused my worst passions,
+for of all the blues I have seen he was the only one who ever took an
+insane delight in himself, and unfortunately he belonged to a college
+which so seldom had a blue, that when they did get one they almost
+worshipped him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After the game was over I went back to the Langham, for Fred and I had
+arranged to go to a theatre with Jack Ward; but I have only the vaguest
+idea of the performance I watched.  I had slept badly the night before,
+and now that the match was over, nothing could keep me awake, so I had
+to be given up as hopeless, though Fred gave me an occasional dig with
+his elbow just to keep me from snoring.  By the time the play was over
+I was properly awake again, and so satisfied with myself, that when I
+met Dennison going out of the theatre I was even glad to see him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ward told me you were coming here," he said.  "What are you going to
+do now?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Going home, I suppose," I answered; but I cannot say that I cared much
+where I went.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Let's go to the Parma, there is sure to be a rag on there," he said to
+Jack, and after some discussion we walked down Shaftesbury Avenue.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I think the air of the town must have got into Dennison's head, for I
+had not walked far before I was in more than my usual state of rage
+with him.  He ordered us about most abominably, and seemed to think
+that I was sure to lose my way unless I kept close to him.  As a matter
+of fact, neither Fred nor I knew London well, but I resented being
+treated like an infant, and if Dennison only looked after us out of
+kindness, I did not see why he should do it at the top of his voice.  I
+had an inexplicable feeling that it was the duty of every one to know
+something about London, and although I should not have recognized
+Piccadilly Circus when I saw it, I was quite prepared to put that down
+to the fog; for if Dennison had not taken so much for granted, I should
+never willingly have given myself away to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When we reached the Parma I was very thirsty, but there were so many
+people in the place that it was impossible to get near the bar.  We
+were jolted about by men who, having nothing else to say, shouted "Good
+old Cambridge!" and "Now then, Oxford!"  The pandemonium was deafening,
+and Jack said to me that the whole thing wasn't good enough, and unless
+you happened to feel like shoving into people and then pretending that
+you were very sorry he was quite right.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+A man standing on the steps at the top of the room began to make a
+speech until somebody shoved him down, and his top-hat, having been
+knocked off, was kicked about by everybody who could get near it.  Men
+whom I never remembered having seen before, shook me warmly by the hand
+and treated me as if I was their greatest friend, but none of them
+could get me anything to drink.  This scene was subsequently described
+as disgraceful, but it was really very dull, and after a few more
+minutes spent in trying to make my voice heard in the noise, the lights
+were turned out.  The word "Johnnys" ran round the place, and there was
+a big rush for the door leading into Piccadilly Circus.  Fortunately I
+got out at once, and I found myself marching clown Piccadilly in the
+second row of a procession.  Foster was next to me, though how he got
+there I cannot conceive, and Ward and Dennison were in the front row.
+We sang as we walked, and people cleared out of our way.  I heard one
+man who met us say "Poor fools!" and the fellow who was with him
+answered "We did that kind of thing years ago, didn't we?"  Outside The
+St. John's we came to a dead stop, and the men in front of me began
+arguing with an enormous man who stood at the entrance.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No one else is to be admitted to-night," I heard the giant say.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But it is not closing time," some one answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"These are my orders, gentlemen," he said, and it was really rather
+nice of him to address us as he did.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward did not say a word, but tried quite amicably to get past the
+giant.  It was a kind of Goliath and David business anyhow, but
+whatever chance Ward had of getting into the restaurant ended abruptly;
+a bevy of policemen who seemed to drop out of the skies simply pounced
+upon him, and if he had been guilty of some real crime he could not
+have been treated more severely.  It was my first experience of
+policemen, and unless some one had very kindly caught hold of me, my
+first impulse was to go for the men who had seized Ward.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You had better keep quiet, or you will be taken to the station as
+well," one policeman said to me, but I went on talking until some one I
+did not know touched me on the arm.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Was the man they collared a friend of yours?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, and it is a most wretched swindle," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think he did anything to speak of," Foster added.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I was just coming out of the door as it happened," our friend said,
+"and I have never seen a more unfair thing in my life.  If you will
+come to the police-station to-morrow to give evidence, I will come too.
+You had better go now and see if you can do anything for him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We assured him that we would turn up the next morning, and then Foster
+and I made our way to the police-station.  I cannot say that the
+Inspector, or whoever the official was who talked to us, took much
+notice of what we said, but we found a more sympathetic man outside the
+station who asked us if we wanted to bail out our friend.  The official
+had told us that Jack Ward would be quite comfortable during the night,
+but when I saw another person brought in by the police we doubted this
+statement very much, and we discussed things with our sympathetic
+friend, who was a shabby-looking man when he happened to get near the
+light, and he gave us much advice in exchange for half-a-sovereign.  I
+gave him the half-sovereign, though what prompted me to do so I cannot
+remember, but I had met so many aggressive people during that evening
+that a kind man appealed to me strongly.  He was, I heard afterwards, a
+professional bailer-out, and I do not think he could have been a very
+good one, for although Fred and I went about with him for over an hour,
+and rang up various people who treated us with unvarying rudeness, in
+the end we had to leave Jack Ward where he was.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It was no easy matter to escape from my people in the morning, but we
+got to the place all right, and soon after we got there Jack Ward
+appeared, and was charged with creating a disturbance in Piccadilly.
+Policemen gave evidence, and the man who had told us that he would come
+and speak up for Ward turned out to be a barrister, and did not appear
+to be in the least afraid of the magistrate.  His evidence was very
+different to that of the police, and I thought Jack Ward, who looked as
+if he had been having a dreadful time, was bound to get off.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When my turn came to kiss the book I was in a terrible state of
+nervousness, and the magistrate asked me my name twice, and where I
+lived at least three times.  I am sure he must have been deaf, for I
+spoke plainly enough, but I thought him a most disagreeable man.  After
+bothering me until I really felt quite unwell, he asked me how many
+drinks I had seen Jack Ward have, and when I answered "None," he said
+very angrily, "I shall not want to ask you any more questions."  He
+might just as well have told me that he did not believe a word I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In the end Ward was bound over to keep the peace for a month, and the
+magistrate said what he thought of the disturbance which had been made.
+He supposed undergraduates to be a far more vicious lot than they
+really are, for at the very worst we were only extremely noisy and very
+foolish, and Jack Ward was just the victim of horribly bad luck.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was glad to get away from the police-court, and I am not searching
+for such an experience as this again, but principally we were sorry for
+Ward, who said he had never spent such a night in his life.  However he
+was very cheerful about it, and took the view that it might have
+happened to any one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After luncheon Foster and I had to start on tour with the 'Varsity XV.
+in Wales, and I was exceedingly glad that Adamson had to stay in town
+to play for the South against the North, or Fred would not have come.
+On that tour I played very badly and Fred very well, which is what some
+people would call the irony of fate.  But I must say in excuse for
+myself that more difficult people to get hold of than those Swansea,
+Newport and Cardiff three-quarters I cannot conceive, and I had no end
+of chances of trying to collar them.  How many of those chances I took
+can be guessed by any one who is curious enough to look up records and
+see the lamentable results of those three matches.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap10"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER X
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+MY MAIDEN SPEECH
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+As soon as the 'Varsity football tour was finished, I went home and
+Fred Foster came with me.  Any exultation I might have been inclined to
+show over my blue was completely checked by the way I played on the
+tour, and I was very glad when we got away from Wales and the sarcastic
+remarks of the Welsh newspapers.  As a matter of curiosity it may be
+satisfactory to find out what famous Oxford teams of former years think
+of the one you happen to be in, but it was exceedingly disagreeable of
+the Welsh papers to suggest that we should not like to hear the
+opinions of these heroes, and one sporting reporter went out of his way
+to be nasty to me.  "When I saw Marten at back and remember the
+brilliant exponents of the game who have filled his position in
+previous Dark Blue fifteens, I really cannot refrain from smiling.  But
+it is a pity all the same."  If I could have got hold of that fellow I
+think I might have curtailed the length of his smile, but Foster gave
+me a little satisfaction by saying that if a man was ass enough to
+write about "exponents of the game," he was probably paid a penny a
+line for what he wrote, and had sacrificed me for the sake of
+threepence.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We had a very good time during our first "vac."  I think that Nina
+expected me to come back from Oxford with a very fine equipment of
+airs; in fact I know that she did for she told me so, but I was in a
+humble mood and gave her no chances to squash me, and she and Fred got
+on splendidly together.  My first term had taught me that I did not
+know in the least what I wanted, which was an upsetting lesson for any
+one to learn who had always done what came next without bothering about
+the consequences.  This result had been brought about by the Warden and
+Dennison, the one had in his curious way tried to urge me on, the other
+had sickened me of men who rag from morning to night, and I felt
+bothered for several days in succession.  Then, however, I stopped
+worrying myself and regained my normal spirits, to the annoyance of my
+father who was at that time inveighing against Russia and the
+ritualistic vicar of our parish, and had a lot to say about the thin
+end of the wedge.  He told me that I must take more interest in
+politics, and he made both Fred and me promise that we would speak at
+debating societies during our first year.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But when I recollected the discussions I had listened to at our college
+debating society I could not remember a single one at which I could
+have said anything to the point; how could I know whether "It is better
+to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," or what could
+I say about marriage being a failure?  There was, indeed, only one man
+at St. Cuthbert's who could possibly know anything about marriage, and
+he had a wife and three children, but from the appearance of the lady I
+do not think that he was likely to give us his honest opinion.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wrote to Jack Ward but did not get an answer, and when we got back to
+Oxford I found that he had been staying with a mining magnate whose
+name I could not pronounce.  He had been gambling every night, I forget
+how much he won in a week, but it is of no consequence as he lost all
+of it and a lot more before he had finished.  During this term he
+became a complete blood, and was constantly dining at wine clubs or
+with somebody like Bunny Langham.  He joined the Mohocks, and men who
+did not know him, and thought that our wine club made far too much
+noise and was a nuisance to the college, said that he would get sent
+down at the end of his first year for being ploughed in pass
+Moderations.  I, however, saw a good deal of him at odd times, and the
+fact that he absolutely refused to have anything more to do with
+Dennison than he could help delighted me.  When Jack had no use for any
+one he had a very expressive way of letting them know it, and Dennison
+at last was so offended that he invaded my rooms one afternoon when I
+was changing after footer and couldn't escape from him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't see much of Ward now, do you?" he began, as he placed
+himself upon my bed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I see him every day," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't understand why you care to do it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, I do care to do it; you are sitting on my socks, do you mind
+getting up?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You ought to hear what most of the freshers are saying about the side
+Ward is putting on, it isn't as if he had any good reason for sticking
+on side."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What do you think is a good reason for sticking on side?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ward can't do anything; you are a blue already, and I shall probably
+get my racquet blue, but of course that's got nothing to do with it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then I shouldn't say anything about it," I answered, and putting on my
+coat I went into my sitter.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't be a fool," he said as he followed me, "you stick so
+tremendously close to rotten old-fashioned ideas.  I am not exactly
+committing a crime in not liking a man whom you profess to like."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have never professed to like any one in my life if I didn't like
+him," I returned, and instead of getting angry with me, he laughed and
+sat down in my biggest arm-chair.  It was not his habit to have two
+quarrels going on at the same time, and when he wished to be amiable
+you had to work hard before you removed his smile.  We had tea
+together, and I did work hard, but he refused to be offended, and told
+me that I was far too good a sort to be wrapped up in old prejudices,
+which were the laughing-stock of everybody who really thought about
+them.  Oxford, he said, was the place for a good time and not for
+airing ridiculous fads which were all right at school, where there was
+nothing else to do but pretend to like a fellow for ever because you
+had happened to like him for a few weeks.  And he also told me that
+being a blue, I ought to take my proper position in the college, and
+not to go about with men who were no use whatever.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In return I told him some beautifully plain things, but when a man has
+the terrific impudence of Dennison, he makes me too angry to be
+coherent.  I let him know, however, that I intended to choose my own
+friends and that I thought a blue, if he was also a bounder, might do
+his college more harm than good.  To which he replied that if a man was
+a bounder he found it exceedingly difficult to become a blue.  When
+Dennison went away I rushed off to see Murray, and although he did not
+pretend to like Jack, he agreed with me that ten Wards in a college
+would not make it as unpleasant a place as one Dennison.  After this
+attempt to get me on his side against Jack, Dennison left me more or
+less alone, but he smiled upon me whenever he saw me, and to Webb,
+Lambert and a man called Learoyd, who were at that time his particular
+friends, I believe that he described me as a lunatic who might be of
+use in the future.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was very energetic during this term, and at the same time very quiet.
+The weather was so bad that astronomical people said that the sun had
+got spots upon it or had gone wrong somehow; at any rate we hardly ever
+saw it, and we lived in a deluge of rain.  The Torpids had to be
+postponed, nearly every footer match was scratched, and the people who
+had been talking about water-famines for the last two years held their
+peace.  Oxford seemed to be a most cheerless place, and Collier slept
+nearly the whole term.  However, I most strenuously did labour, but I
+should never have stuck to it had not Murray helped me, and the result
+was that after we had been up five weeks I found myself in high favour
+with Mr. Gilbert Edwardes.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It is a dreadful thing to please your tutor if you do not happen to
+like him, because he asks you to breakfast by way of showing his
+pleasure, and at meals I could not put up with Mr. Edwardes.  I sat
+next him at one breakfast, and he never ate anything except a piece of
+dry toast, and he talked about patent foods.  I never saw a man who
+looked more as if he needed a really big meal of beef and plum-pudding;
+but he was an authority on diet, and told me that food if too
+nutritious was very bad for the brain.  He could not, I thought, have
+imagined that our brains were worth much; for I must say that though he
+did not eat himself he gave us every chance of doing so, and if we had
+been the torpid, who breakfast and dine hugely, he could not have
+provided us with more food.  Murray, who was one of many at this meal,
+seemed to be very interested in what Mr. Edwardes said about diet, and
+I told him afterwards that he was an arch-humbug; but it turned out
+that he had been bothered all his life&mdash;at least he said so&mdash;by
+indigestion, and that at Wellingham he had lived on some peculiar
+biscuit for nearly a fortnight, which recalled to my mind what Ward had
+said to me about him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I played in all the 'Varsity rugger matches which were not scratched,
+and we finished up by beating the Wellingham Nomads after a muddy and
+desperate struggle.  Murray was playing for the Nomads and Foster for
+the 'Varsity, and so many Wellingham people came round to Murray's
+rooms after the match that I had to hold a kind of overflow meeting in
+my rooms, after the manner of political gatherings.  Murray was in
+great spirits until everybody had gone, and then he said he had got a
+most frightful attack of indigestion.  So I let him talk it off.  It
+was curious that I had known him so long without ever having got him on
+the subject of health; but he told me that when he came up to Oxford he
+made up his mind to forget all about his ailments and eat anything.  I
+told him that he had better stick to that resolution, because I was
+sure that his best way was never even to think about himself, but that
+advice was not altogether unselfish.  After he had spent a solid
+half-hour in telling me what pains he suffered, he seemed so much
+better that I was compelled to add that whenever he felt most awfully
+bad he had better come and talk to me.  I did not say that from conceit
+but out of sympathy, and when he laughed I told him that if he thought
+it was amusing for me to hear about his pains and spasms he was jolly
+well mistaken.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My father has talked about his liver for the last ten years," I said,
+by way of proving that whatever information he gave me about himself
+was bound to be stale.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then you will have one some day," Murray answered, and I imagined that
+he looked at me as if in the future we could have a royal time nursing
+our dyspepsia together.  But I was not going to be a twin dyspeptic
+with anybody.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hope I have got one now," I returned, "but I am not going on the
+roof to shout about it.  Every one ought to keep their liver dark, and
+then the vile thing wouldn't be a nuisance to every one else."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He only laughed again.  I am afraid he had read a lot of medical books
+and knew far too much about the colour of things, but I do really
+believe that I did him some good, for apart from seeing him put
+extraordinary pieces of paper on his tongue and look very concerned
+when they revealed whatever secret they have to reveal, he never talked
+intimately to me again about his complaints, and as time went on he
+laughed at himself, which was very wholesome of him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Six weeks of the term had passed before I thought of fulfilling the
+promise I made to my father, and when the time drew near for me to
+speak at our college debating society, if I meant to do so, I became
+extremely nervous.  There was only one more meeting of the society
+during that term, and the subject for debate was, "The modern novel has
+a depressing and decaying influence upon the mind of the British
+nation."  Lambert, who spoke very fluently and not at all to the point,
+was booked to speak first at this debate, and any one who knew him
+could see his magnificent style in the way the motion was drawn up.  He
+revelled in alliteration, and I should think that he preferred subjects
+which were more general than particular, for he had on one occasion
+come hopelessly to grief at a debate on French politics, and had to
+hide his confusion by saying that no one could be expected to take an
+interest in a Latin nation, which made some people think that he was
+more stupid than he really was.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I resolved to support the modern novel, not because I knew much about
+it, but because I did not intend to be on the same side as Lambert, and
+I went to the Union and listened to a debate in which two men from
+Cambridge spoke and one man from London.  Speaking seemed to be easy to
+these people, but perhaps the presence of the London man&mdash;he was very
+distinguished&mdash;acted as a check to orators who were not quite sure of
+themselves.  At any rate the distinguished man made a great impression,
+he deplored the spread of taste among the lower classes, and he was
+very sad and eloquent about organized excursions which he said
+consisted chiefly of meals.  To my mind he went on deploring far too
+long, for if anybody does remember Rome by what he had for dinner
+there, and forgets everything about Venice except his tea, his
+temporary absence from England is not exactly a disaster, and the
+Italians are glad to have him.  Craddock of Balliol, who spoke before
+the man from London, was crushed for dealing with the subject in a
+frivolous manner, but I was not persuaded that a serious debate about
+English Tourists would make them any less humorous or plentiful.  That
+debate did me good in one way, for I was so angry with this man of
+distinction that I wished I could have told him what I thought, and for
+three consecutive mornings I addressed an imaginary audience while I
+was having my bath.  But if my remarks had been made at the Union I am
+afraid they would have caused a tumult, they were more suited to the
+House of Commons, where, if the worst happens, you have the consolation
+of being led out by a dignified official, and can read about your
+departure in the newspapers of the following morning.  I was so worried
+about my speech that I mentioned it to several men, and most of them
+said that they would come to the debate, which was the last thing I
+wanted them to do.  I had, however, to go through with it, so I
+consoled myself by the thought that I couldn't be duller than some of
+the people whom I had heard speaking at our debates; but when I went
+into the common room and found a larger crowd of men there than I had
+ever seen at a previous meeting, I wished that I had never come near
+the place.  Before Lambert spoke we had to go through a lot of private
+business, which consisted chiefly of attempts by the college wags to be
+funny.  Some men cultivate the special form of humour which shines at
+private business, but on this occasion all our wags were either absent
+or silent, and the President and Secretary of the debating society had
+a very peaceful evening.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When Lambert got up to pulverize the modern novel a great many men, who
+had only come in for a rag, left the room, but Dennison, Webb and some
+others who knew that I intended to speak, remained, and I made up my
+mind that they should wait a very long time if they meant to hear me.
+There was not a trace of nervousness about Lambert; he shot his cuffs,
+stroked his upper lip with one finger, and was really rather a comical
+figure, though I should think that every one was not so much amused at
+the things he said as at his magnificent manner while saying them, for
+he had nothing new to say about the influence of popular fiction.  He
+referred to authors who draw their inspiration from the Bible in terms
+of lordly condescension, and then, changing his manner suddenly, he
+spoke of the rise and fall of Stratford-upon-Avon in such mournful
+tones that any one who did not know him might have imagined that he was
+on the verge of tears.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+No speech of his, however, was complete without a peroration, and on
+this evening he surpassed himself.  "You," he began, "who buy books
+without a thought of what you are buying, who are guided in your taste
+for fiction by the advertisements and buy a novel with as little care
+as you would buy a pair of scissors, who think, if you ever think, and
+I have already said that you do not, that because there are fifty
+thousand tasteless people in the world there is no reason why you
+should not swell that crowd, you are responsible for the decay of the
+novel.  Traditions are dying, helped to their death by prize
+competitions and personal paragraphs, and Oxford is the home of
+tradition, for Oxford was invented before Eton.  We care no longer for
+what is best but for what is most talked about, in our fiction we look
+for scandals and not for literature, and unless there is a reaction the
+man who can blush will become a curiosity, fit only for exhibition on
+the Music Hall stage or in the Zoological Gardens.  It is a serious
+matter.  The Philistines must be met and routed, we know that of old
+this was their usual fate, it seems to have been the chief reason for
+their existence.  For my part I think a day ill-spent in which I have
+not read a few pages of Fielding or Thackeray.  I have the most kindly
+feelings towards Dickens, Jane Austen and George Eliot, and when I am
+tired I write little things myself."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He sat down and looked blandly in front of him; if he had been less
+pleased with himself he would not have been anything like so amusing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+A senior man called Ransome got up to defend the modern novel, and the
+debate at once became serious.  In about five minutes Ransome would
+have made most men feel crushed and unhappy, but Lambert only spread
+out his legs and shut his eyes.  Ransome was not only a good speaker
+but also one of the cleverest men in the 'Varsity, and he scored time
+after time without disturbing Lambert's equanimity.  I think that
+Lambert's enormous and somnolent bulk must have annoyed Ransome, for he
+went on to make an attack which was virulently sarcastic.  In his
+speech Lambert had been foolish enough to say nothing in favour of
+modern novels, he had taken it for granted that all of them were bad,
+and Ransome fastening on this accused him of never having heard of
+George Meredith and Thomas Hardy, and he finished by appealing to us
+not to be guided in our tastes and opinions by a man whose assumptions
+were based on tremendous ignorance.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After Ransome had finished Lambert woke up, which was silly of him, but
+I must admit that he looked exactly as if he had been roused from a
+deep sleep.  A number of men spoke, and most of them said something
+which I had intended to say, until there was very little of my speech
+left which could sound original.  As each man sat down, Dennison and
+Webb had the impertinence to shout "Marten," but they were always
+called to order by the President, who was in no hurry to hear my maiden
+effort.  Collier, who had not come to hear me from inclination but a
+sense of duty, dozed peacefully in a corner, a number of men recorded
+their votes and left the room, the President yawned prodigiously, and
+the Secretary looked as if he had got a headache.  If I intended to
+speak before Lambert replied to all the criticisms passed upon him, my
+time had come.  I got up as quietly as I could, but I was greeted with
+so much applause that I felt quite embarrassed.  Jack Ward had come in
+from dining somewhere, and when he saw Dennison and Webb clapping
+because they expected to be amused, he resolved to make more row than
+they did.  I could not complain of my reception, but why I received it
+is not worth discussing.  However the mere sight of Dennison made me
+determined not to make a fool of myself and I got rid of my first
+sentence without a hitch, and then I was all right for some time
+because the walls of my bedder had heard my speech very often and I
+knew it well.  Jack Ward kept on applauding violently, he meant well
+but he did it in the most awkward places, and he made me forget one
+thing which Foster had provided.  Dennison laughed a little, but he had
+to wait before he got an opportunity of trying to make me appear
+especially ridiculous.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We read too much and think too little," I said, and this was the
+opening of a sentence which had caused me a lot of trouble until Murray
+helped me to put it right, but Dennison saw his chance and interrupted
+me by saying, "We talk too much and think too little, is what you
+mean," which was an exasperating remark when I had very nearly finished
+without any bother.  So I turned round and told him that I could say
+what I liked without asking him.  The President shouted "Order," but he
+looked too sleepy to care much what happened.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At any rate I suppose you cribbed it from last week's <I>Spectator</I>, and
+I know it was 'Talk too much,' because I saw it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If Mr. Marten thinks he can improve upon anything taken from the
+<I>Spectator</I> he is at perfect liberty to do so," the President said very
+sarcastically, and I felt badly scored off.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's all very well," I said to him, "but these interruptions have made
+me forget where I have got to."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"About the bottom of your second cuff, I should think," Dennison called
+out, and I could not stand that libel, so I addressed the rest of my
+speech to him.  It was, at any rate, fluent, and although the President
+tried to stop me I had a merry if short innings before I finished.
+Dennison was too much for me, he never lost his temper while I was so
+angry that I forget exactly what happened, but when I met the President
+in the quad on the following morning and apologized to him, he was kind
+enough to say that he hoped I should speak again during the next term,
+although as he would be reading hard he was afraid that he would not
+have the pleasure of hearing me.  He was a curious man, and I could not
+help wondering whether he would have wished me to speak if he had not
+been too busy to listen, but I did not care to risk asking him that
+question.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Lent Term at Oxford is rather a dull one for men who do not row,
+run, or play soccer.  In my time golfers were thought dull whether they
+played golf or only talked about it.  I did run in our college sports
+because Collier said I wouldn't, and Collier ran because I said he
+couldn't, the result was that we competed in a half-mile handicap in
+which he received the munificent start of eighty-five yards, while I
+had to worry through the whole distance with the exception of twenty
+yards.  Collier bet me five shillings that he would defeat me in that
+race, and I thought I had found an easy way of making a little money,
+but a half-mile is a long distance for two men without much wind, and
+when I caught Collier up about two hundred yards from the finish we
+agreed to cancel our bet and walk to the pavilion.  Collier could not
+speak without gasping for a quarter of an hour, and then he expressed
+the determination of retiring permanently from the running path.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap11"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XI
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The summer term at Oxford would be even more pleasant than it is if it
+did not start in April and finish when the summer is just beginning.  I
+do not wish to say anything about weather, but without taking an
+interest in the abnormal quantities of rain or wanting to know why the
+sun shines so seldom, I do think that if the success of a term depends
+largely upon an English May, it is apt to be very limited.  I have been
+told so often by quite truthful men that there are other people besides
+undergraduates to be considered in Oxford, that I have never felt so
+convinced about anything, except that Queen Anne is dead; but all the
+same it seems to me that the undergraduate is not given a chance of
+being comfortably warm for any length of time.  And if the authorities
+who fix the terms, or if they like it better, the academical year,
+would understand that an undergraduate is a far nicer man when he is
+comfortable, they might be inclined to cease from compelling him to
+play cricket when it is impossible to think of anything but the biting
+wind.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For my own part I am certain that I have never wanted to break rules or
+windows when the sun shines, but some men, when they become depressed
+by the weather, turn their thoughts to throwing things about, and there
+are so many windows in a quad that wherever you throw you seem to hit
+one of them.  The only window I smashed was not entirely my fault, for
+Ward ducked his head just as a tennis-ball was going to hit it; the
+Subby, however, who was trying to instil logic into a lot of pass
+"mods" men, was annoyed by broken glass falling into his lecture-room.
+This was a bad beginning to the summer term, but had it not rained for
+nearly two days I should have been playing cricket that morning, and if
+Ward's head had happened to be in front of the Subby's lecture-room I
+should not have been there to throw at it.  I tried to explain this to
+the Subby, but there is a certain kind of reasoning which does not make
+much impression on either dons or schoolmasters.  I asked him if he
+thought any man who was booked to play cricket all day could sit down
+at once and work when he heard that his match was scratched, and he
+answered, "Undoubtedly."  The Subby was a nice enough man in some ways,
+but in others he was simply hopeless.  He was not so absolutely
+unapproachable as Mr. Edwardes, for although you had got to imagine for
+all you were worth you could think of him as an "undergrad," but when
+Murray and I tried to persuade ourselves that Mr. Edwardes had once
+been only twenty years old we wasted our time, and Murray told me that
+I was always trying to do impossible things.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Oxford, however, is a good place when you are only playing at summer,
+and it is really splendid if you are lucky enough to have a fine May
+and early June.  I went back there full of enthusiasm, I meant to do a
+hundred things, but I am afraid my programme was a little too full; to
+carry it out successfully I required the co-operation of the Subby and
+Mr. Edwardes, and no one but an enthusiast, or a fool, would have
+thought he was likely to get it.  My experiences with Mr. Edwardes
+during my second term had been placidly uneventful, but they had been
+gained by very great effort on my part, and they did not seem to have
+been worth the effort, since my tutor was almost as great an iceberg at
+the end of the term as he had been at the beginning.  He could not
+thaw, but I never found out that until I had spent many unsuccessful
+interviews with him.  I thought after going through one term without
+offending him that I was what golfers, I believe, would call "one up,"
+and I felt that it would be an easy matter to increase my score, but I
+made a great mistake.  Mr. Edwardes did not realize in the least that
+cricket is a very important and tiring game.  I told him frankly that I
+wanted to enjoy myself during my first summer term, and that if my work
+was neglected a little I hoped he would understand the reason.  He
+failed to understand it, and instead of being pleased with my candour,
+he took up a sort of pouncing attitude.  He was fairly on the look-out,
+and when a don gets into that state it is not likely he is going to
+watch for nothing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In the freshers' match Foster and I were on opposite sides, which
+seemed to me a very poor kind of arrangement even before we began, and
+what I thought of it after the match was over is not worth saying.  The
+weather on the first day of the game was never intended for cricket,
+and I have very rarely seen a nose glow quite so gorgeously as the
+umpire who no-balled me twice in my first over.  I actually began the
+bowling, though I think the reason for this honour must have been that
+Cross of Magdalen, who was secretary to the 'Varsity XI. and captained
+our side, knew my name.  Foster and Henderson began the batting, and my
+first ball which was supposed to be directed at Foster's wicket was a
+most abominable wide, the second and third he hit to the boundary, the
+fourth was a no-ball, and I really forget what happened after that, but
+I know that it was the sort of over which seemed as if it would never
+end.  I had not been no-balled before, and this unexpected misfortune
+made my bowling quite comically bad.  Cross kept me on for seven overs,
+because as I heard him say afterwards he thought the beginning was too
+bad to be true.  Foster made 128 and Henderson 93, I got one wicket for
+78 runs, but the man I got out was not supposed to be a batsman, and he
+confided to me as we went back to the pavilion that his highest score
+for his school during the last season had been 5.  This information on
+the top of my inglorious performance was really rather trying; he
+might, I thought, have kept it to himself, but he had made 11 and was
+unduly elated.  Their side made 358, and our two innings only totalled
+301; I went in last, with the exception of Cross, and made such
+furiously ineffective efforts to hit some leg-breaks, that Rushden of
+New College, who was a most serious cricketer and captain of the
+'Varsity XI., was compelled to laugh.  But I did land one ball into the
+shrubbery, which was the only moment during the match when I felt that
+cricket in a cold wind was worth playing.  After it was all over,
+however, I was delighted that Fred had started so well, and it did not
+surprise me at all when I saw that my name was not down to play for the
+Sixteen Freshmen against the 'Varsity XI.; in fact I should have been
+very surprised if Rushden had not made up his mind about me.  Both Fred
+and Henderson did well in this second trial match and were chosen to
+play for the Varsity against the M.C.C., while I went back to college
+cricket and lived upon what reputation I had brought from Cliborough
+for quite three weeks.  I could not get any wickets however much I
+tried until we played Pembroke, who were not exactly a strong batting
+side, and to make things easier for me they had their three best men
+away.  After this match I got my college colours, but I am afraid that
+it is doubtful if I deserved them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack Ward played for the College XI., but his best scores were made for
+the St. Cuthbert's Busters, who played villages round Oxford, and were
+not very depressed if they were beaten.  Collier, Lambert and Dennison
+also played for the Busters, and a kind of truce had been patched up
+between Jack and Dennison, because Jack said that it was too much
+trouble to keep up a quarrel with any one whom he was always meeting,
+and Dennison was at that time so occupied with other schemes that he
+treated Jack as if he was his dearest friend.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Some senior men in the college were getting very dissatisfied with the
+state of it, for they said that it was all right to have an occasional
+rag if we had anything to rag about; but as we did not seem able to
+row, play footer or cricket, we had better keep quiet.  They did
+nothing except talk, and Dennison played up to them with all his might;
+he had got his half-blue for racquets, and they, not knowing him as
+well as Jack, Collier and I did, thought that he was really keen on the
+college.  But, as a matter of fact, he howled with laughter when our
+torpid went down six places, and said that if men were fools enough to
+row they deserved to be laughed at, whatever happened to them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+No one wants to belong to a college which can do nothing but howl at
+night, since the greatest slackers in the 'Varsity howl the loudest.
+Dennison worked hard for popularity among senior men, but he cared
+nothing for the college, and several of the freshers knew that if he
+got a set round him who intended to manage the place, St. Cuthbert's
+was doomed as far as athletics were concerned.  He was made for some
+college which is in the habit of having only one blue every ten years
+or so, and may possibly treat him as if he is a very fine specimen when
+they have got him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We could not help doing well in the schools, because we always had
+scholars who took Firsts with beautiful regularity; but no one thought
+very much about it, since it was a thing to which every one in the
+'Varsity was accustomed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Even Fred Foster told me that it was a pity St. Cuthbert's was going
+downhill so fast; but apart from being angry there was nothing for me
+to do, except wait.  Our dons, taken in the mass, wanted us to work and
+be quiet; they did not care what happened to our eight or our eleven,
+and when a man got his blue he was generally told that he must not
+allow it to interfere with his reading.  Unless dons meet
+undergraduates half-way a college is bound, sooner or later, to suffer;
+but a little humanity can do wondrous things.  During my first year the
+Warden was the only don who was kind to me, and though I liked him so
+much that I forgave him for not appreciating the difference between
+bumping and being bumped, I must confess that his kindness was of a
+peculiar kind.  St. Cuthbert's, in the opinion of the 'Varsity, had
+begun to go down rapidly, and we got very little sympathy from anybody
+outside the college.  The outlook was gloomy enough, for I was bound to
+have rows with Mr. Edwardes as long as I had anything to do with him,
+and if I could have been of any use in trying to improve things, I knew
+that unless some new dons came I should have to spend most of my time
+in looking after myself.  I wished that Fred had come to St.
+Cuthbert's, for Murray was too quiet to do anything, Collier was too
+sleepy, and Jack Ward seemed to be as happy-go-lucky as I was.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It looked as if Dennison was bound to win in the long run, for he was a
+thousand times cleverer at getting what he wanted than any of us, and
+he had the great advantage of knowing what he did want.  His aim, I
+knew, was to be the leader of a set who gambled and yelled and played
+games which he thought were fit for bloods to play.  Slackness during
+the day and liveliness at night were briefly his programme, and though
+it is all very well to be lively at night, it seemed to some of us that
+if we were to sink to the bottom of the river and care nothing for the
+reputation of the college, we were in for a very bad time.  By nature
+both Jack Ward and I were cheerful, and if it had not been for hating
+Dennison I don't think that I should have wanted to check my
+cheerfulness.  As it was, I had a vague sort of feeling that what
+Dennison liked must be wrong.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I saw Dennison as seldom as I could, but Jack Ward came to me one
+morning when there was no college match, and when I had nothing to do
+which could not conveniently be put off, to ask me to play for the
+Busters.  Somebody had scratched at the last moment, and even if I had
+not wanted to play I should have found a difficulty in resisting Jack.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We drove seven miles to a village called Burlington, and had great
+difficulty in finding the wicket when we arrived, but our driver had
+been there before, and insisted on us getting out by a field which
+looked as if it might produce a bountiful crop of hay.  Lambert&mdash;who
+had talked a lot about being asked to play for his county&mdash;pretended to
+be very disgusted, and strode about as if he owned the whole place; we
+had to be very rude to him, so that we might prevent him from hurting
+the feelings of the Burlington men.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In the middle of the field a small space had been mown, and the pitch
+itself, apart from a few holes, was not at all bad, but Bagshaw, who
+was captaining the Busters, decided at once that he should keep wicket
+because he did not want to stand up to his knees in grass.  The captain
+of the Burtington team was the local publican, a hearty man who told us
+in the same breath that he was very glad to see us, and that he had
+played cricket for thirty years, boy and man.  His name was Plumb, and
+I liked him very much; he played in both braces and a belt, because he
+told us belts were ticklish things and braces sometimes burst.  I
+answered that it was always well to be on the safe side, and we had
+quite a confidential talk, until Lambert and Dennison came up and
+interrupted us.  Lambert began to complain about the long grass, and I
+was afraid Mr. Plumb might be offended, but I expect he had seen a good
+many people like Lambert, and he only smiled compassionately at him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You see it's like this," he said, "this damp, not to call it a wet
+spring, has made this yer grass grow, and what I say is that weather
+that is good for farmers up to June is bad for us cricketers.  But,
+bless me, there's nothing to complain of here&mdash;I've played cricket in
+some funny places if you like, and many a dap on the side of the head
+I've had in my time."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This man," Dennison remarked, pointing at me, "is a very fast bowler."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mr. Plumb shut one eye and looked at me with interest.  "Then," he
+said, "I think you had better bowl up the hill; I have seen them kick a
+bit at the other end, nothing to speak of, but Bill Higgs got his nose
+cut open come next Saturday three weeks; he's a fast bowler if you
+like, I've seen Spofforth and I've seen Mold, but for pace give me Bill
+Higgs."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Is he playing to-day?" Lambert asked as unconcernedly as he could.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh yes, he's playing, he's the terror of the neighbourhood.  There he
+is, the tall man, he's our policeman when he's not playing cricket.  My
+eye, his arms are like tree-trunks," and Mr. Plumb left us and walked
+over to talk to Bill Higgs, but I am not at all sure that he did not
+wink at me before he went.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You didn't score much there," I said to Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Cricket isn't good enough in these outlandish holes," he answered, and
+seized Collier to tell him about Bill Higgs.  Lambert went off hastily
+to get a drink, and was not seen again until Bagshaw had won the toss
+and decided to go in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We began our innings with Lambert and Collier, and Bagshaw could not
+have chosen a funnier pair.  There was some difficulty in getting them
+ready, for Collier had left his pads behind, and we had a desperate job
+to find any which were large enough to fit him, while Lambert was so
+engaged in persuading us that Higgs on a bumping wicket was nothing to
+a man who had been asked to play for his county that at one time he had
+lost both his bat and his gloves.  Before they started Collier insisted
+on tossing to see who should have first ball, and when he won Lambert
+said it was of no consequence as he had always meant to have the first
+ball.  The Burtington XI. waited patiently, and threw catches to each
+other with extraordinary violence, but although Mr. Plumb had announced
+that Higgs would begin the bowling, the terror of the neighbourhood had
+not allowed us to see how fast he bowled.  There was an air of mystery
+about Higgs, which the nine of us who were not at the wickets found
+very entertaining, though Dennison, who was in next, looked anxious.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When our batsmen had got to the wickets it seemed as if the game would
+never begin, for Lambert took guard three times and looked round the
+ground so often to see where the fielders were placed that two or three
+of the Burtington men from sheer weariness began to turn somersaults.
+Higgs stood with the ball in his hand and talked to Collier, he knew
+that he was a great man and was quite unmoved by Lambert's little
+tricks.  At last there was no excuse for waiting any longer, and the
+umpire, after Lambert had refused to have a trial ball, which I suppose
+he thought would have been an undignified thing for him to do, called
+"Play."  The mystery was solved immediately, Higgs bowled very fast
+underhand, the kind of ball which is correctly termed a "sneak," but
+unfortunately for Lambert the first one was straight and his bat was
+still in the air when his middle stump was knocked to the ground.  The
+Burtington XI. seemed to me to take this beginning as a
+matter-of-course, and started throwing catches to each other without
+even troubling to applaud Higgs.  Lambert walked very slowly from the
+wickets, and when he got back to us he was smiling in his most
+magnificently contemptuous manner.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought you asked me to play cricket," he said to Bagshaw.  "I keep
+a special bat for that sort of bowling, and I did not want to smash
+this one."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He sat down on the grass, but we were all so suffocated by laughter
+that none of us could condole with him, and if any one had ventured to
+say "Bad luck," I am sure Lambert would have treated him with scorn.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison had two balls which did not bowl him, but Higgs made no
+mistake with the next one, and the Burlington men played catch once
+more.  In the end we managed to make 33, though hardly any of the runs
+were made off Higgs, and twelve of them came from two balls which were
+lost quite close to the wickets.  Nine of the Burtington men made 18
+runs, for Collier bowled very straight until he got hopelessly out of
+breath, and then Bagshaw, who laughed all the time Collier was bowling,
+would not take him off, though the wretched man was panting like a
+grampus.  "This last fellow is sure to be a 'sitter,'" Bagshaw said,
+"here is Collier's chance to bowl right through an innings, I don't
+suppose he has ever done it before."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But Collier, who was searching after breath and not troubling about
+records, was indignant with Bagshaw, and when Lambert, who said that
+the sun was in his eyes, missed two catches off consecutive balls,
+Collier said something to him at the end of the over which disturbed
+the harmony of our XI. for several minutes.  Unfortunately the last
+Burtington batsman was more of a wag than a "sitter," he was the funny
+man of the team, and was so delighted with his own wit that Bagshaw
+said it would be a shame not to let him enjoy himself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Every village team has its funny man," he said, "and we are jolly
+lucky to get him in last."  I am sure Bagshaw was what is called a good
+sportsman, but he was too kind to be a good captain.  I thought Sam
+Jenks was a harmless idiot when he came in with only one pad, and that
+on the wrong leg, but by the time he had fooled us out of eight or nine
+runs I was simply sick to death of him.  Lambert stated in a loud voice
+that it was not cricket, and Collier, who was most completely
+disorganized both in body and temper, retorted that if it had been
+cricket Lambert would not have been playing; while Sam, who in some
+ways was not such an ass as he tried to make out, played the next ball
+slowly to Lambert at short leg, and ran down the pitch exhorting him to
+throw it at Collier's head as soon as he got hold of it.  Possibly this
+advice, combined with a natural inability to stoop quickly, made
+Lambert even slower than usual in picking up the ball, but when he did
+pick it up he threw it violently at the wicket to which Sam was
+running.  There was some doubt whether he threw at Sam or at the
+wickets, but he missed whatever he intended to hit and the ball went
+yards away into the long grass, where it remained until four runs had
+been made and Burtington had won the match.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Immediately afterwards Sam fell over his wickets in trying to make a
+stylish stroke with one leg poised in the air, and an excursion of
+Burtingtonians, headed by Mr. Plumb, sallied forth and carried him
+shoulder-high to the tent, where he was given much refreshment.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+One or two men on our side tried to persuade Bagshaw that there was
+plenty of time left to make as many runs as we wanted and to get the
+Burtington men out again, but when Mr. Plumb was told what we were
+talking about he came out of the tent and joined us.  He was inclined
+to be elated, and seizing Bagshaw by the arm said he should like to
+have a word with him.  They walked away from the rest of us, and, as a
+friend of Mr. Plumb's, I went with them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Cricket is cricket, that's what I say, sir," Mr. Plumb began, and
+Bagshaw, whose manners were perfectly splendid, assented without a
+smile.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But in this yer little village there are what the parson calls local
+considerations, which I as captain of this team have got to consider."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Bagshaw inquired quite patiently what these considerations were.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, it's like this, I keep The Reindeer, and the parson he's a
+teetotaller, not one of those stumping men who think because they drink
+nothing nobody else ought to, but what I should call broad-minded for a
+man who drinks nothing but water.  Now what the parson says to me is
+this: 'You give these young gentlemen luncheon for which they pays
+half-a-crown ahead, and it's worth it, and my missis drives up in the
+pony-cart at five and gives everybody tea.'  It's like a bargain, you
+understand."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Bagshaw understood most thoroughly and tried to stop the flow of Mr.
+Plumb's conversation, but that excellent captain talked on for another
+five minutes, until two of our men who knew Bagshaw better than I did,
+took upon themselves to walk to the wickets.  Then Mr. Plumb began to
+collect his men, which seemed to be a difficult matter, and it was
+half-past four before we began again.  At five o'clock tea was ready
+and the game was interrupted for so long that we gave up all thoughts
+of winning it, but I heard afterwards from the parson himself that as a
+general rule only the batting side had tea and the other XI. had to
+take their chance of getting some.  I believe we should have won that
+match if Mr. Plumb had captained our side, but the Busters were
+generally beaten, which possibly accounted for the fact that most of
+the villages round Oxford said they were a splendid eleven.  No team
+which contained Lambert could help being splendid, but as regards
+cricket we were the most futile side it is possible to imagine, and
+Bagshaw, who was a really good sort, was also exactly the right man to
+captain it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In our second innings Lambert made nine runs, which was not a great
+score for a man who said he had been asked to play for his county, but
+was unfortunately enough to make him very pleased with himself, and
+when he got into that state of mind he was a dangerous man, for he
+always wanted to do something which was better left undone.  On this
+occasion he persuaded Jack Ward that a little dinner at The Reindeer
+would be the most sporting way of finishing the evening, and I have
+never seen any one support a suggestion more heartily than Mr. Plumb
+did this one of Lambert's.  He had a couple of beautiful ducklings
+waiting to be cooked, some lamb which would be wasted upon any one but
+real gentlemen, and some port which would make our hair curl.  Collier
+listened to this and thought it too good to miss, so he backed up
+Lambert, and Ward, who did not seem enthusiastic over the hair-curling
+port, said he would stay if I would.  There were good reasons why I
+should not stay and I mentioned them one by one, but although in the
+lump they ought to have been enough to stop me, when mentioned singly
+they did not seem to be very important.  Ward, however, saw that I did
+not want to stay, and he was on the point of chucking up the whole
+thing when Dennison said to Mr. Plumb, "You see, some of us are
+frightened to death of the dons; it is a fairly rotten state to be in,
+because we daren't call our lives our own."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+That remark was directed at me, and if I had been sensible I should
+have taken no notice of it, but unluckily I am one of those wretched
+people who hate to hear that I am frightened of anybody or anything,
+and for Dennison to tell Mr. Plumb such silly nonsense made me furious.
+Of course I said that I would stay, and I saw Dennison wink at Lambert;
+the brute was for ever scoring off me, he had a most unrighteous way of
+getting what he wanted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For some reason or other Bagshaw was always very decent to me, and when
+he heard that Ward, Dennison, Collier, Lambert and I were going to
+finish the evening at The Reindeer he asked me to come home in the
+brake, but that gibe of Dennison's was heavy upon me and I had
+determined to stick to my promise and do whatever came my way.  I did
+not expect that the evening was going to be anything but a rowdy one,
+for when Lambert did undertake a thing he went at it most zealously.
+First of all he got Ward to wire and ask Bunny Langham to drive over
+about ten o'clock and fetch us all back, and then he asked four or five
+of the most comical people in the Burtington team to come to The
+Reindeer after dinner and help at a smoking concert.  All of the
+Burtington team came and a number of their friends, in fact I should
+think that nearly all the labourers in the village were entertained by
+us during the evening.  Mr. Plumb began by being very pleased, and the
+evening ended in what local newspapers call "harmony," which is the
+most polite way of saying that any one sang who liked and that the
+discord was something terrible.  I sang a solo, the first and last time
+I have ever done such a thing, but I was rapturously applauded by an
+audience who were more kind and thirsty than critical.  My song was
+"Tom Bowling," at least Ward said it was more like "Tom Bowling" than
+anything else.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At half-past ten Bunny Langham had not come, and by some means or other
+it was necessary that we should reach Oxford before twelve o'clock.
+Dennison suggested that we should have a "go-as-you-please" contest
+back to St. Cuthbert's, but Collier was not disposed to enter for a
+race in which he was bound to be last, and told us that if we were
+fools enough to go seven miles in an hour and a half, he would trouble
+us to rout up some don when we got back to college and say that he had
+been taken seriously unwell in Burlington, but hoped to be better in
+the morning.  A man, who called himself a veterinary surgeon, but was
+described by Mr. Plumb as a cow-doctor, said he would give Collier a
+certificate of ill-health; I do not remember from what disease he was
+supposed to be suffering.  The idea, however, of rushing seven miles as
+hard as we could was crushed by Lambert, who was in a kind of "coach
+and four" mood and very abusive.  He secured Mr. Plumb and having
+pushed him into a corner stated that he required a pair of horses and a
+wagonette, but Mr. Plumb was not in a condition to be addressed in
+terms of authority.  His sense of importance had been increasing as the
+evening went on, and from being a most innocently amusing man he had
+become an obstinate and bibulous publican.  He would have nothing to
+say to Lambert and declared that getting to Oxford was our business and
+that we ought to have thought about it before.  The best thing to do
+with such a man was to leave him to the remorse of the following
+morning, but Lambert had an insane desire to talk and, I must admit, a
+forcible way of talking.  There seemed to be a reasonable chance of a
+row, for Mr. Plumb wasn't without supporters who were as tired of us as
+we were of them, but Jack Ward managed to get hold of the cow-doctor
+and persuaded him to find some vehicle to help us on our way.  As soon
+as Mr. Plumb heard of this he declared that the cow-doctor was taking
+the bread out of his mouth, but Ward told him if that was the case he
+ought to have another drink, and after having it he became comatose and
+unobstructive.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Finally we started from The Reindeer at eleven o'clock in a light
+farm-cart, Ward and Dennison sitting on the seat with the driver, while
+Collier, Lambert and I sat on the floor of the conveyance.  Lambert,
+when not singing Bacchanalian songs, complained of the indignity and
+discomfort of this performance, but I, having taken the precaution of
+propping myself against Collier, who was accustomed to being used as a
+cushion and very kind about it, was more sleepy than uncomfortable.
+Besides, men who begin to think of being dignified towards midnight are
+a nuisance, so I told Lambert he was a speechless idiot, which
+statement I found to be positively untrue.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We had reached the outskirts of Oxford, and even Lambert had passed
+from the state of song and abuse to that of sleep, when the cart was
+drawn up with such a jerk that my head collided with Collier's, and I
+heard Ward say&mdash;
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why, Bunny, what the blazes are you doing here at this time of night?"
+and Bunny answered with no unnecessary length, "Walking."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But why?" Ward said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Exercise.  Any room for another pig in the bottom of that cart?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Jump up, quick," Ward answered, "it is a quarter to twelve, and jolly
+lucky there is a moon or I should have missed you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Bunny said that he was not going to hurry for any one, and wasted two
+or three valuable minutes before we got him safely into the cart.  He
+was in an exceedingly bad temper, and it was only by dint of
+innumerable questions that we found that he had actually started to
+drive to Burtington and that something disastrous had happened on the
+journey.  The exact nature of that disaster none of us ever discovered,
+but what Bunny wished us to believe was that he went to sleep and was
+driven into by a furniture van, and since he had been kind enough to
+start to Burtington we should have been a complete set of bounders if
+we had not suppressed Dennison when he said that no one was likely to
+believe such a tale as that.  Anybody with a grain of decency could see
+that Bunny had been having a very bad time, and though we all thanked
+him tremendously when we got out at St. Cuthbert's, and told the driver
+to take him on to Christchurch as fast as he could, he just sat in the
+bottom of the cart and said nothing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am afraid Bunny's ill," Ward said to me as soon as we got into
+college, and we blamed ourselves for not seeing him to "The House,"
+though had we done so we could not have got back to St. Cuthbert's
+until a quarter-past twelve.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+On the following morning Ward went round to see Bunny and found him
+drinking beer with his breakfast, which was a thing he never dared to
+do unless he felt aggressively well.  Ward lunched with me and said
+that Bunny was all right except that his feelings were in a state of
+disorder.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is only one thing he is conceited about and that is his
+driving," Ward explained, "and last night he was driving a cob which a
+baby in arms could steer.  Well, Bunny got upset, and is so ashamed of
+himself that he is angry with everybody else.  He will be all right by
+dinner-time if he is left alone."
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap12"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The day following the Burtington match was a very peaceful one, but the
+evening brought with it a disturbance which was altogether unexpected.
+I was engaged at nine o'clock to read an essay to Mr. Edwardes, and I
+had been so energetic that I had written it two days before, which made
+me feel virtuous.  The subject of the essay was "Impressions of Roman
+Society as gathered from Cicero's Letters," and I had taken more than
+ordinary trouble over it, for it was the sort of question which I could
+not answer without definite knowledge.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went to Murray's rooms after dinner, and I remember telling him that
+I believed I had written something which would persuade my tutor that I
+had at least made an attempt to satisfy him.  And Murray, who was
+always trying to keep me out of rows and giving me help when I was in
+them, read a little of it, and said that it was ever so much longer
+than the one he had written.  As length meant work, I was very
+satisfied with this remark of his, and I went off to Mr. Edwardes with
+a feeling that he might be mildly pleased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He greeted me coldly and sat down by the side of the table, with his
+back almost turned to me; we did not even exchange our opinions about
+the weather, and he was evidently as anxious for me to begin as I was
+to finish.  My opening sentence was stamped by my own style.  If I say
+that no one else would have written it, I only wish to record that no
+one else would have thought it worth while; I will not quote it,
+because when I tried to read this essay a year after I had written it,
+I was struck by the fact that it was altogether too florid for
+every-day use.  Mr. Edwardes objected strongly to phrases which seemed
+to me beautifully rounded, and I gave them up slowly as one of my most
+cherished possessions.  I could not share his feelings about them at
+that time, whatever I may think of them now, and they formed a part of
+a scheme to make my essays less dull, and what I was fain to think even
+a little amusing.  But apart from my opening sentence I had in this
+essay deprived myself of the pleasure of ornate phrasing and been as
+solid as possible.  I had, however, taken great pains over my first
+words.  I wished them to convey to Mr. Edwardes that I could still
+annoy him if I liked, and afterwards I intended to show him that though
+this power remained to me I was too kind to use it.  These were not
+perhaps the reasons why I was compelled to write essays, and I doubt
+whether he would ever have discovered my scheme even if I had read him
+what I had written.  And I never did read it, for after I had finished
+the first sentence and deprived it of much of its effect by getting the
+stops mixed up, which made me want to read it over again, he turned
+round in his chair so quickly that he bumped his arm against the table,
+and if he had not been a don I should have asked him if he had hurt
+himself.  But as my efforts to please dons by inquiring after their
+health had not been successful, I went on reading until Mr. Edwardes
+stood up, and feeling then that something had gone hopelessly wrong, I
+stopped to look at him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I could see that he was exceedingly angry, but why in the world he had
+become so suddenly afflicted I had not an idea.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I do not require to hear any more of that.  You may go," he said, and
+he actually pointed to the door.  "But&mdash;" I began&mdash;&mdash;
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You may go," he repeated, and since he looked as if he would continue
+pointing towards the door until I obeyed him, I collected the pages on
+which I had spent so much labour and walked slowly out of the room.  I
+was too surprised to say anything more, and I did not even feel like
+banging the door.  The only thought which occurred to me was that there
+must have been something very improper in that cherished sentence, but
+if my tutor imagined that I took any pleasure in indecencies, or would
+write them consciously, I felt that he was a very silly man.  I stopped
+on the stairs and began reading my essay again; there was simply
+nothing in the beginning of it which could offend the most inquisitive
+and conscientious Mrs. Grundy.  It might have bored any one, but the
+person who could have blushed at it had not yet been born.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was most completely puzzled, and when I went back to my rooms and
+laid my rejected essay upon the table, I felt as if the only literature
+I wished to see again was the Commination Service.  It had often been
+my fate to displease masters and dons, but it was a new experience for
+me to be turned out of a room without knowing in the least why I was
+expected to go.  I came to the unsatisfying conclusion that Edwardes
+had gone mad, and I determined to see Murray so that I might tell him
+what had happened; but before I had finished writing a note which had
+to be written, both Murray and Foster came into my rooms.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Foster has got something to tell you," Murray said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not half as much as I have got to tell you," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I will bet you a shilling you think it more important, and you can
+decide yourself," Murray replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I crammed my note into an envelope and looked at Fred, who was gazing,
+rather stupidly I thought, at a photo of Nina which she had sent me a
+few days before.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How many did you make against Surrey this afternoon?" I asked him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray began to laugh, which suggested to me that I was asking an
+awkward question.  "Was it another blob?" I inquired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I made a hundred and two," Foster said, and looked quickly at me and
+then again at that wretched photo.  I expect he was very anxious not to
+seem too pleased with himself, but there was no reason why I should not
+be as pleased as I liked, and for a minute I forgot all about Mr.
+Edwardes.  I told Fred that he was simply a certainty for his blue, and
+Murray again seemed to be amused.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have got it," Fred said quietly, and he stepped away from me,
+fearing that my delight might be painful to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There is an extraordinarily small choice of things to do when you are
+very delighted; just talking seemed to be hopelessly futile, and even
+shouting was not satisfactory.  But I had to do something, so I opened
+a bottle of port, which I knew both Fred and Murray disliked, and made
+them drink some of it.  After Murray had tasted his and congratulated
+Fred again, he put his glass down by the large bowl which I had bought
+on my first expedition to the shops of Oxford, and presently fears of
+dyspepsia gripped him so furiously that he emptied the wine into the
+bowl, when he thought I was not looking.  It was '63 port given me by
+my father, and if he had seen Murray getting rid of it in this way I am
+sure that there would have been trouble; but I, not being oppressed by
+a knowledge of vintages, just filled Murray's glass up again and kept
+an eye on him to see what he would do with it.  I might, however, have
+spared myself the trouble, for he had no intention of pretending to
+drink two glasses, though he told me afterwards that some curious
+impulse had compelled him to get rid of one, and he had decided that it
+would be safer in the bowl than elsewhere.  In fact, he wished me to
+believe that he had done this as a compliment to Foster, but I could
+not follow his line of reasoning.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I sat and talked for a long time about the rottenness of the Cambridge
+bowling&mdash;which, by the way, I had never seen&mdash;and the runs Fred was
+sure to make in the 'Varsity match, until he tried very hard to stop me
+saying anything more about cricket, and Murray set me going on another
+subject when he remarked that it had not taken me long to read my essay.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Edwardes has gone completely cracked," I stated.  Fred had often heard
+me express a similar opinion about masters at Cliborough, and was not
+inclined to think seriously of Edwardes' condition, but Murray had
+curiosity enough to ask me what had happened.  "You saw the beginning
+of my essay," I said to him, "and there was nothing in it which could
+offend a baby in arms, was there?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray said that as far as he knew I had been most modest, and he
+added, quite unnecessarily, that the only criticism he had to make upon
+it was that I had been asked to give Cicero's impression of Roman
+society, and had preferred my own.  I was not going to set myself up
+against Cicero even to please Murray, so I took no notice of his
+remark, and went on with my grievance very slowly, for a grievance does
+not get proper treatment if you spring it upon people; they just say
+"What a confounded swindle," and go on talking about their own affairs.
+I had been badly treated, and I intended to make the most of it, so I
+did not mind being a bore if I could extract a little surprise and
+sympathy from Fred and Murray.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I took a lot of trouble over this essay, I changed my style&mdash;&mdash;"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The first sentence was fairly magnificent; it reminded me of Lambert
+walking across the quad," Murray interrupted me by saying.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wrote that sentence on purpose so that Edwardes might enjoy the
+contrast afterwards."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There aren't many men who would have thought of that," Fred said, and,
+as he was trying to rot me, I agreed with him quite seriously, and
+added that I thought it was very kind of me to think so much about
+Edwardes.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But didn't he like the contrast?" Murray asked, and I thought the way
+he looked at Fred, as if something was amusing him, was fairly hard
+upon me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He would have liked it," I said emphatically, "if I had ever given him
+a chance.  I mean if he had ever given me one."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What do you mean?" Fred asked, and I could see that it was time for me
+to come to the point of my tale.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"After I had read a sentence and a half, Edwardes hopped out of his
+chair, glared at me and said he wanted to hear no more.  He then kicked
+me out of the room, and what I want to know is the reason why he did
+it; and if you two fellows can tell me that instead of grinning like
+two Chinese idols, you will be of some use."  The recital of my
+ill-treatment had made me annoyed with both Fred and Murray.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Neither of them said anything for a moment, but both of them were, I
+regret to say, amused.  They missed the serious injustice of my story
+altogether, and though there was some excuse for Fred, who must have
+found it difficult to think of anything except his blue, there was no
+reason why Murray should not do or say something to show how sorry he
+was for me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He couldn't have turned you out of the room for that," was all he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I tell you he did, and he was angry, very angry.  The man has gone
+utterly and hopelessly cracked; it is just my luck to get a lunatic for
+a tutor," I replied, forgetting for the instant that Murray also had a
+share in Edwardes.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He was sane enough yesterday," Murray said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Perhaps he is one of those fellows who is affected by the sun," Foster
+put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There has been precious little sun to-day," Murray, who was in a most
+aggravating mood, declared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I never said anything to him, but just began to read my essay, and
+then he jumped on me.  I shall complain to the Warden and see what he
+has to say about it.  I like the Warden," I added, by way of showing
+Murray that I could appreciate a reasonable don when I found one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred said that the whole thing was extraordinarily queer, and that
+there must be some explanation of it; but Murray, after being quiet for
+a minute, began to fidget like a man who has been puzzling over an
+acrostic, and is beginning to discover what it is all about.  My people
+used to do acrostics, and, when they were completely defeated, I did
+not mind being in the same room with them; but, as soon as they got
+some clue, my father fairly ramped around seeking books which he could
+not find, or asking me for information which I could not give him.  He
+had the acrostic mania quite badly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can tell you why Edwardes kicked you out; at least I believe I can,"
+he said at last.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, let us have it quick," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"In the common-room the night before last you said that you were going
+to town to-day and that you wouldn't be able to read your essay to
+Edwardes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I was going up to see a dentist, and he wrote that he couldn't see
+me," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And Dennison heard you say that you were going?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The silly fool tried to make out that I was manufacturing the dentist
+story.  He simply makes me sick, but I don't see what he can have to do
+with this."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you see either Dennison or Learoyd in hall to-night?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They weren't there, because I heard Webb asking Collier whether he had
+seen them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've never heard of Learoyd," Foster said, and considering that he had
+just got his blue I am afraid he must have spent a very dull time, for
+he was accustomed to see me in trouble, and might reasonably have been
+annoyed to find that even on this special evening I was in my usual
+state.  However, he did not seem to mind very much.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Learoyd is Dennison's latest discovery," I said; "but he has been
+found by the wrong man."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is an exhibitioner and Edwardes is his tutor," Murray added; "and
+this afternoon about six o'clock I met Dennison coming out of here and
+Learoyd was waiting at the bottom of the staircase."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What on earth was Dennison doing in here?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You aren't much good at guessing," Murray answered; "but I should say
+that having heard that you were not going to read your essay to
+Edwardes, and Learoyd not having done one to read, Dennison told him he
+would borrow yours.  I heard you tell Ward that it was just like your
+luck to have written an essay when you wouldn't be able to read it, and
+Dennison must have heard you say the same thing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you mean that Learoyd had been reading out my stuff two or three
+hours before I went to Edwardes?" I asked, for port always makes my
+head feel stuffy however little I drink, and I wanted everything put
+quite clearly before me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should say so," Murray replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My next remarks do not matter, but as soon as I had passed the
+explosive state I said, "That all comes from altering my style, and if
+I hadn't Edwardes must have known that it was my essay."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Confound your style," Foster replied, "it seems to me that this is
+likely to land you in a very fair row unless we do something at once.
+What sort of man is Learoyd?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hardly knew him until this term, and when I didn't know him I rather
+liked him, but he has been about a lot with Dennison, and seems to be
+going to the bad as hard as he can be pushed," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's true enough," Murray said; "Learoyd was one of the nicest men
+up here until this term, and then Dennison took a fancy to him and the
+idiot has chucked up working and spends his time trying to be a blood.
+I know his people, and have tried all I know to persuade him that he
+will never make a successful blood&mdash;he isn't made for one&mdash;but I have
+done no good.  Marten isn't in it with Learoyd for rows with Edwardes,
+and the worst of it is that if his exhibition was taken away it would
+be serious.  His people are most frightfully hard up."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That makes the whole thing a thousand times more complicated," I
+replied, "I can't give a man away who is in a hole already.  I had
+better sit still and see what happens."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should think you had better go and see Learoyd," Foster said, "he
+can't be in a bigger hole than you are."  He got up to go, and I said
+that I should wire to my people in the morning and tell them he had got
+his blue, but he told me that they knew already, and asked me if I had
+heard that Nina was coming up during the next week to see the last
+nights of the eights.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had a letter from her last night," he continued, "and she said that
+Mrs. Marten was going to write to you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who is coming up with her?" I asked, and I felt that if I never wrote
+to Nina, there was no reason why she should not write to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"She is going to stay at the Rudolf with the Faulkners.  They are
+coming next Monday morning," and having told me this, which he knew I
+should not like, he was kind enough to go away before I told him again
+what I thought of Mrs. Faulkner.  For when Fred had been staying with
+me at home the Faulkners were a fertile source of dispute between us.
+The Faulkners had plenty of money, nothing to do, and no children; they
+entertained a great deal, and had a mania for taking people up, as it
+is called.  I am almost certain that Mrs Faulkner tried to take me up
+once, but unfortunately I was expected to run in double harness with a
+fellow who wore a yellow tie and was no use at anything except talking.
+I put up with him for nearly the whole of an afternoon, until he told
+me that an ordinary dahlia, over which he was gushing, reminded him of
+the sun rising over the Hellespont, and that was altogether too much
+for me.  I left him and offended Mrs. Faulkner by telling her what I
+thought of him, and she told my mother that it was such a pity that I
+was so <I>gauche</I>.  It took me a long time to forgive her for saying
+that, and I wished Nina was coming to Oxford with some one who did not
+bother my mother with her opinions.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I sat and pondered over this visit for some time, while Murray kept on
+telling me that Learoyd would be in bed if I did not hurry over to see
+him.  But what good I could get out of seeing him I could not
+understand, and Murray became quite abusive before I started.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I knew Learoyd only in the most casual way, and I had never been in his
+rooms in my life, so I should not have been disappointed if he had been
+out.  I found him, however, sitting by himself, and my first impression
+was that he was either very sleepy or very sad, but whatever was the
+matter with him he could hardly have wanted to see me.  He was good
+enough, however, to say he was glad that I had come.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The conversation flagged for two or three minutes until he roused
+himself suddenly.  "I have got the most vile attack of the blues
+to-night," he said, "and somehow or other I can't shake them off."  He
+seized a decanter of whisky and began pouring some of it into a glass,
+and then I did one of those things which I do impulsively and which are
+occasionally right.  I put my hand on his arm and said, "That stuff
+will only put them off until to-morrow morning."  He looked at me for a
+moment and sat down again.  "Why does every one preach to me?" he
+asked.  "I shouldn't have thought you were that sort, though you are a
+friend of Dick Murray's."  He was not angry, but just hopelessly tired
+of everything, and he looked so wretched that I felt really sorry for
+him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't preach," I answered, "though if I could remember half the
+things which have been fired off at me they would make a mighty fine
+sermon.  When people take any notice of me they think that I want
+looking after and they begin to do it, the others leave me alone and
+say that I shall come to a bad end."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He was evidently feeling so miserable about everything that I thought
+he might like to hear these dismal prophecies about my future.  I even
+thought they might cheer him up, and make him see that we were in the
+same boat.  But I made a mistake, for he was annoyed at the idea that
+my future could possibly be as great a failure as his.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You wouldn't say these things if you really thought you were in a
+hopeless muddle.  I have gone through it all this term, and I know.  I
+have tried to laugh, and I have drunk until I didn't care what
+happened, but it is all no use.  I have made a mess of everything, and
+there is no one to blame except myself.  And then this utterly idiotic
+row comes on the top of everything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He sat looking in front of him, and did not seem to remember that I was
+in the room, and the thought passed through my mind that I should be
+glad to wring Dennison's neck.  I asked him twice what row he was
+talking about before he spoke.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Hasn't Dennison told you?" he asked.  "I left him about an hour ago,
+and he said he would go and see you.  I thought that was what you had
+come here for, though of course nothing can be done."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I haven't seen Dennison," I said, and added, "I never do if I can help
+it," for Learoyd's statement that nothing could be done had given me no
+satisfaction.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You said that you had done an essay for Edwardes which you weren't
+going to read.  I hadn't done mine, so Dennison said you wouldn't mind
+me using yours.  He got it, and I went to Edwardes at six o'clock to
+read it, but as soon as I started he began to jump about as if
+something was stinging him, and after I had read about half a page he
+kicked me out of the room."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The man is mad after all," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, he isn't, I wish he was," Learoyd continued.  "This is what
+happened: Collier stayed in his rooms this afternoon to do his essay,
+but went to sleep, and never woke up until it was too late to do it,
+and then he remembered that you had one which wanted using so he read
+it to Edwardes at five o'clock.  I wish to goodness he hadn't put it
+back in your rooms."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+This was too much for me, and although Learoyd looked as miserable as
+ever, I had to laugh.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You wouldn't be so amused if you were in for the row I am," he said,
+"they will probably take away my exhibition."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am in for exactly the same row," I answered.  "I tried to read that
+essay to Edwardes after dinner, and he looked as if he was going to
+have a fit.  I was out of the room in no time."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then Learoyd and I just sat for two or three minutes and laughed until
+he felt ever so much better.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What are we to do next?" he asked.  "After all, it was your essay."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It was no wonder Edwardes jumped about," I said, "I thought he was
+mad."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So did I, until I saw Collier.  But what are we to do?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You say you are in a fairly tight hole," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes," he said, "I have been in for row after row all this term."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then I won't claim this wretched essay, and it can't matter to
+Collier, because he hasn't got anything which the dons can take away."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What do you mean?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why, Collier has got to tell Edwardes he borrowed the thing, and I
+shall sit tight, so they will naturally think it is yours."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't stand that," he replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why not?" I asked.  "They won't do anything desperate to me, and of
+course Collier won't mind at all."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I talked until I thought that Learoyd saw how much better my
+arrangement was than anything he could suggest, and although he would
+not promise to do what I proposed, I thought that I had arranged
+everything when I left him.  But Learoyd was not the sort of man who
+would get out of a row by sacrificing any one else, and on the
+following morning both he and Collier went to Edwardes and told him
+exactly what had happened.  It was very nice of them to do it, but it
+deprived me of the comfortable feeling of having done Learoyd a really
+good turn, and brought me to the ground again rather too abruptly to
+please me.  So having been kicked out of the room for nothing, I went
+at once to Edwardes and tried to convey to him, as one man would to
+another, that I would forget his treatment of me if he would let off
+Collier and Learoyd, but especially Learoyd, as lightly as possible.
+That mission of mine, however, was a mistake.  Mr. Edwardes said he was
+not in a position to bargain with any undergraduate, and that he had no
+doubt that should the dons require my assistance in managing the
+college they would ask me to help them.  After I had left him I should
+think he must have regretted saying such sarcastic things, for Learoyd
+only got a final warning that his exhibition would be taken away at the
+end of the term unless he worked properly, and nothing whatever
+happened to Collier.  But I am afraid Edwardes never gave me the credit
+for my essay which I felt that I deserved.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap13"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XIII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+NINA COMES TO OXFORD
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+There can be few men in Oxford who do not enjoy themselves during
+Eights' Week, and I imagine that the only miserable people to be found
+are those who happen to be in an eight which is bumped several times
+during the week.  If any one is so misguided that he wants to make a
+study of depression I should advise him to take a seat on the barge of
+a college which has a very bad eight, and if he waits until the boat
+comes back to the barge he will see some of the most unsmiling faces in
+the world.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Rowing is a most serious form of sport, and no one can wonder that a
+crew which has been bumped is unable to look very cheerful.  It seems
+to me that a rowing man deserves a lot of credit even if he rows very
+badly; indeed I am not sure that the man who rows the worst does not
+deserve the most credit, for he has gone through the same drudgery as
+the rest of the crew, and has probably been sworn at a thousand times
+more often.  I should be very surprised if a rowing man at the end of
+so much forcible criticism and strenuous labour could smile when his
+boat is bumped.  I know that if I had ever been in a boat which had
+been bumped, and the only reason why I have not been is because I have
+never rowed in a bumping race, I should want to hit somebody over the
+head with my oar or denounce the cox.  Coxes, indeed, have told me that
+although they have never seen my first wish put into practice, my
+second is such an ordinary occurrence that the cox who has not suffered
+from it must be either deaf or a genius.  And if a reasonable man
+cannot help being sorry for an eight which has toiled many weeks only
+to be bumped, I think he ought to be far more sorry for the cox, whose
+cool appearance when the rest of his crew are hot and angry, is in
+itself an aggravation.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I must say, however, that the only cox I ever knew well could not have
+failed to deserve all he ever heard, he was one of those pretentious
+little people who can only be described by the word "perky," and his
+side was simply terrific.  But all the same, if a very small man goes
+up to Oxford and guesses that it will be his fate to steer slow eights
+during the time he is there, I should advise him to start a society for
+the protection of coxes, and elect himself the first president.  He
+will not do the slightest good, but he will get some fun from being
+president, and he will also be able to choose colours for the society
+and wear a gorgeous tie, if there is any combination of colours which
+has not already been annexed, and there can't be many left to choose
+from.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It is the easiest thing in the world to start clubs if all you want to
+get out of them is a remarkable tie and hatband, and I knew a man&mdash;by
+sight&mdash;who started three clubs in two years.  The first he called "The
+Roysterers," and they were supposed to dine twice a term in waistcoats
+decorated with R.D.C. buttons; the second he named "The Oddfish," a
+club which was intended to be eccentric, and from the extraordinary
+colours they adopted I should think they were aptly named.  Their chief
+function was drinking, and although I never went to any of their
+carousals I believe they discharged it thoroughly.  The third club
+which this energetic man founded was not given up to eating and
+drinking, but devoted itself to the discussion of moral and artistic
+subjects.  They called themselves "The Bumble-Bees," though I never
+could understand the reason why they chose such a name, unless it was,
+as Murray suggested, that after they had touched a thing there was no
+sweetness left in it.  I should not like to say how many more clubs
+this man would have started had he been given the opportunity, but he
+was sent down at the end of his second year, and I have met him since
+in Florence wearing a Bumble-Bee tie and Oddfish ribbon round his
+straw-hat.  I regret to say that he belonged to St. Cuthbert's, and he
+was really a nuisance, because there was so strong a feeling against
+these miscellaneous colours during my first summer term that nearly all
+the men who could do anything respectably wore black bands on their
+straw-hats, and the effect was most dismal.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison heard that my sister was coming up for Eights' week, and he
+told me calmly that he should like to meet her.  I may have imagined
+that he considered this an act of condescension on his part, for I
+cannot pretend that I was always fair to him.  I distrusted him so
+thoroughly that I never believed a word he said, and the only possible
+way for peace between us was for each of us to leave the other alone.
+But this way did not suit him, for I suppose that I knew too many men
+to be left out entirely from his consideration, and it seems to me that
+it is more annoying for a man to be friendly when you want to have
+nothing to do with him, than it is for anybody to take no notice of you
+when you would be glad to be his friend.  I did not, however, mean to
+let Nina meet Dennison, for I never knew whom she might like or
+dislike, and it would have been a most horrible complication if she had
+fallen a victim to Dennison's smile.  So I told him that Nina would not
+be in Oxford for more than two or three days, and that I did not know
+her plans, which was true enough as far as it went, and must have been
+enough for him to understand what I meant.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Although I was useless in a boat, I was always most vigorously excited
+during Eights' week.  Three years before I went to Oxford St.
+Cuthbert's had been head of the river, but we had by slow degrees
+dwindled down to fifth, and in spite of one or two men who assured me
+that we had a much better eight than we were thought to have, I knew
+that we were more likely to go down than up.  Still I am sorry for the
+man who does not feel his nerves tingle at the prospect of a race, and
+you tingle all the more if you do not expect to be beaten, so I tried
+to forget the general opinion about our eight and to imagine that the
+boat in front of us was going to have an anxious time.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Brasenose was head of the river, and after them came New College,
+Magdalen, and Christ Church; we were fifth, and I took no interest in
+the boat behind us, though I did know that it was Trinity.  So keen was
+I that I resolved to run with our boat if I could get any one to run
+with me, and I asked quite half-a-dozen men before I found somebody who
+was not looking after his own or somebody else's sisters.  The man who
+said he would run with me was Jack Ward, and he surprised me very much
+when he told me that he would far rather see some of the racing than
+sit on a barge with a crowd of ladies, and he even consented to run all
+the first three nights and then help me to look after Nina when she
+came up.  He knew, I expect, that I was not likely to run very far, and
+that there was no danger of his being left somewhere near Iffley to
+walk up by himself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I have a feeling that if I had to sit in a boat and hear the seconds
+counted out before the starting-gun is fired that my first stroke would
+be a most terrific crab.  Even standing on the bank is nervous enough
+work, and what it must be like for those who have got to row I cannot
+imagine.  I kept moving about so much before the start that Ward told
+me I should be tired before I began to run, but I am unable to keep
+still when things are going to happen, and just before the last gun
+went I had an inspiration and moved up to the place from which Christ
+Church started.  By this means I kept up for quite a long way, but it
+would be untrue to say I enjoyed myself.  We began to gain on Christ
+Church at once, and were very soon within half-a-length of them, but I
+had no breath to use for shouting, and not having a rattle I could make
+no row at all; moreover I am an erratic runner, so whenever I looked at
+the boats I kicked or ran into somebody, and I could not retort when
+they said things to me.  I pounded along as far as the Long Bridges,
+which was really quite a long way, and when I stopped I was sure that
+we should catch Christ Church.  I stood away from the path and tried to
+persuade myself that I was not feeling very unwell, but I waited until
+the crowds with the other boats had passed by, and then I walked as
+fast as I could up the towing-path.  I even ran once, for a short way,
+because I wanted to get back before all the excitement had stopped on
+our barge.  I felt certain that we were going head of the river, and
+that comfortable sensation seemed to improve my wind, but it took me
+some time to get up the towing-path.  The first disconcerting thing I
+saw were a lot of people cheering frantically on what I thought was the
+Trinity barge, but I did not know all the barges properly, and I came
+to the conclusion that whoever had told me that this one belonged to
+Trinity could not have spoken the truth.  So I forced my way up the
+path until I got opposite to our barge, and there I found Jack Ward
+looking very purple in the face.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did we catch them?" I asked, and I thought that all our men who were
+waiting to be punted across to the barge might have made a little more
+noise.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Catch what?" he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why, the House of course," I answered, for it was not very likely we
+should catch any one else.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Trinity caught us," he replied, and as the punt came over at that
+moment he gave a huge shove and managed to get into it.  I looked
+across the river and saw a very silent crowd on our barge, so I decided
+it was no place for me and walked solidly to the end of the towing-path
+and went home over Folly Bridge.  It was a long way round, and I cannot
+imagine any one going back to St. Cuthbert's by such a route if he felt
+happy.  When I saw Jack Ward at dinner I said that I should not run any
+more, and he replied that I was a fairly poor sort of sportsman; so I
+did run on both Friday and Saturday, and on Saturday night St.
+Cuthbert's was eighth on the river instead of fifth, and as we could
+find no other excuse we said that our crew was stale, but I am afraid
+the truth was that they were fairly fast for about half the course and
+then went to pieces.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had not told Nina that our eight was a bad one, and what she would
+say I did not care to think, for she never paid any attention to
+excuses, and was rather inclined to consider that I was insulting her
+personally when I was connected with anything which was not successful.
+At any rate I was thankful that we were still a long way above Oriel,
+for I knew that Nina would never understand that Oriel had given
+themselves up, more or less, to cricket and soccer, and were not very
+afflicted by the fact that their boat was nearly bottom of the river.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was sure that when Fred explained things to her she would say, "But
+why don't you row as well, I should hate to have my college at the
+bottom?" and this was almost exactly what happened.  Fred made an
+effort to get out of it by saying that Oriel was only a small college
+and could not be expected to be good at everything, but Nina evidently
+thought that it was large enough to have eight men who could row, and
+she was not inclined to be pleased with either Fred or me when we went
+to the Rudolf and lunched with Mrs. Faulkner on the Monday.  It was
+characteristic of Mr. Faulkner that he had not been able to come to
+Oxford, and his chief function in life, as far as I ever discovered it,
+was to get out of accompanying his wife on her countless expeditions.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It seems stupid coming up here to see St. Cuthbert's bumped and Oriel
+nearly last on the river.  I understood from Godfrey that St.
+Cuthbert's had a great reputation for rowing," Nina said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I avoided Fred's eye, for I thought that he might be amused, and to
+turn the conversation away from a dangerous subject, I took upon myself
+to make what seemed to me a wise remark.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There are other things to see in Oxford besides the bumping races," I
+answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina sniffed very audibly, but Mrs. Faulkner hastened to the rescue.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think Godfrey is quite right," she said; "it is disappointing to
+find that the colleges in which we are especially interested are so
+unlucky, but Nina hasn't seen Oxford before, and I am sure she will be
+delighted with it;" and Nina, who really could be quite nice when she
+liked, forgave Fred and me for the iniquities of our eights, and
+answered that she was longing to go out.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Of course Mrs. Faulkner fell to my lot, and while we walked down the
+Broad it pleased her to talk about Nina and to make me say that she was
+very pretty.  I did think that Nina was not bad-looking, but she was my
+sister and I should as soon have thought of saying that she was
+wonderfully pretty, as I should of declaring that there was a striking
+resemblance between the Apollo Belvedere and myself, and my imagination
+has never carried me as far as that.  As I was not saying much about
+Nina Mrs. Faulkner tried to make me talk about myself, but I
+interrupted her.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This is St. Cuthbert's," I said; "shall we go in?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+She looked at me and smiled.  "You are really rather extraordinary,
+Godfrey; if any one tries to flatter you, you shut up like a hedgehog.
+I am sure you have improved immensely and I am beginning to like you
+very much," she declared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I simply detested her at that moment, for when people make remarks like
+that I feel as if some one was pouring cold water down my spine, and as
+I meant to show Nina round St. Cuthbert's I managed to change
+companions in the lodge, and left Fred to listen to the improvements in
+himself, which Mrs. Faulkner, with her great gift for romance, was sure
+to say that she had discovered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As soon as I got Nina into the big St. Cuthbert's quad she forgot that
+she had started by almost quarrelling with me.  I was born,
+unfortunately, without a keen eye for beautiful things, and even when I
+see something which I like to look at again and again, some scene which
+gives you a peaceful feeling or a picture which helps you to forget
+that there is anything ugly in the world, I cannot express myself.
+When I like anybody I want to tell them so, but once when I saw a
+splendid sunset in Bavaria and said, "How simply ripping," my father
+told me not to make a fool of myself, and somehow or other I felt that
+he was right.  So I was very glad that I had to show Nina the beauties
+of St. Cuthbert's while it was her duty to admire them.  She had never
+been inside an Oxford quadrangle before, and though I think any one
+with two eyes and a grain of common-sense would say that Oxford is
+beautiful, I must admit that Nina saw St. Cuthbert's for the first time
+under the most favourable circumstances possible.  She looked at the
+old walls and the flower-boxes which were outside nearly all the
+windows, and did not talk any nonsense about them; even the creepers
+seemed to be greener than usual in the sunlight of the afternoon.  In
+the chapel somebody was playing the organ, which may have been a
+meretricious effect, but it pleased Nina, and that was all I cared
+about.  The whole college was most wonderfully peaceful, no one could
+imagine that the quadrangle had ever been made hideous by Bacchanalian
+yells.  And I felt proud of it, which was quite a new sensation to me,
+and I suppose it was Nina's delight that made me see things
+differently.  I took her to my rooms, which seemed to be small and
+gloomy enough after the hall and the quadrangle, but she said that they
+were far more comfortable than she had expected them to be, and she sat
+down in the most comfortable of my easy-chairs and looked as if she
+intended to stop for ever.  I suggested to her that we should go down
+to the river and see Oriel struggling in the second division, but she
+decided that one dose of racing would be enough for her, and said that
+Fred could take Mrs. Faulkner to the river if she wanted to go.  She
+had not been so fond of my society for a long time, and for quite ten
+minutes, with the aid of cherries, we got on splendidly together.  Then
+the conversation languished and I began to show her things which she
+did not want to see; it is so very hard to please anybody who does not
+pretend to like things which they do not like.  Nina began to hum at
+last, and if there is one noise which I detest it is humming.  To make
+matters worse her tune was one I especially disliked, but as I was her
+host I made a gallant attempt not to listen to it.  So I whistled, and
+I expect we had nearly reached a crisis when Mrs. Faulkner and Fred
+appeared.  I was very fond indeed of Nina, and I am sure that she would
+have been indignant if any one had told her that she was not fond of
+me, but when we had not seen each other for some time and were left
+alone together we often irritated each other.  It was a terrible
+nuisance, but it is no use denying that I was glad to see Mrs. Faulkner
+again, and if any one had told me that such a thing was possible when I
+left her at the lodge I should have denounced him with many words.  I
+could see that Fred had not been enjoying himself, and while Mrs.
+Faulkner and Nina were discussing loudly what they should do next, he
+told me that he had been asked a perfect fusillade of questions none of
+which he could answer.  "How old is that fig-tree in your garden?" he
+asked thoughtlessly, and Mrs. Faulkner's attention was turned upon me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What fig-tree?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred tittered audibly, and Mrs. Faulkner seemed to forget that only a
+short time before she had discovered an immense improvement in me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you mean to say that you live close to that beautiful fig-tree and
+don't even know of its existence?" she demanded.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh yes, I know about it," I answered; "it has stuff put round to keep
+it warm in the winter, but I have never asked how old it is.  You see
+the dons more or less monopolize our gardens, so you can't expect us to
+know much about them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Notices are put up to say that certain parts of them are reserved for
+the dons of the college, aren't they?" Foster said, and he laughed
+again, but I said nothing.  "I shall tell Nina the tale if you don't,"
+he added.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should like to hear something amusing," Nina said, as if there was
+not the slightest chance of her wish being gratified.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's not very funny," I began, for I had a feeling that Mrs. Faulkner
+would not like this tale.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, anything's better than nothing," Nina declared wisely, and so,
+to pacify her, I continued.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"These notices annoyed some men, so they dug a hole and bought a large
+sort of milk-pail arrangement to fit into it and a box of sardines.
+Then we filled the pail with water and put in the sardines, and Jack
+Ward put up a little notice, 'This fishing is reserved for the dons of
+the college.  Licences may be obtained at the lodge.'  The dons should
+not be so greedy about the garden," I added, because Mrs. Faulkner
+looked very disgusted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you really make a large hole in that beautiful turf?" she asked at
+once.  "You began in the third person, but I expect you and this Mr.
+Ward did it; you ought to have been rusticated, or whatever the word
+is."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We were never found out, and the dons didn't mind; they thought it not
+a bad joke of its kind," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then their sense of humour must have become perverted," she replied.
+"I think Mr. Ward must have a very bad influence over you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina laughed and said she insisted upon meeting Jack.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I sincerely hope you won't do anything of the kind," Mrs. Faulkner
+stated.  "The dons must know what is best for the undergraduates, and
+such tricks are very unbecoming; I am sure my husband always admitted
+this when he was at Cambridge."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It was hardly fair to pull in Mr. Faulkner, so I said that I would get
+some tea, which put an end to the discussion, for I did not think it
+wise to say that I had asked Jack to meet Nina at luncheon on the
+following day.  By the time we had finished tea Fred was tired of Mrs.
+Faulkner, and he slipped off with Nina in a way which was really too
+clever to be very nice.  Mrs. Faulkner, however, was quite amiable, and
+she smiled on me steadily from the beginning of the Broad Walk to the
+end of it, which as a feat of endurance I feel it my duty to mention.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When we got down to the river the band was playing on the 'Varsity
+barge, and Mrs. Faulkner really began to enjoy herself.  The flags
+flying from all the barges pleased her, and the smartness of the ladies
+made her compare the scene to church parade on a June morning in Hyde
+Park.  I knew nothing about church parades and very little about Hyde
+Park, but I said that I thought this must beat anything in London.
+Then I got a chair for her and looked round to find Nina and Fred, but
+as I could not see them anywhere, I said that I must go and hunt for
+them.  Mrs. Faulkner, however, had no intention of letting me go, and I
+had to be a kind of Baedeker for over half-an-hour.  I was not a very
+good Baedeker, I confess, but I had found out that one way to make
+things uncomfortable with this lady was not to answer every question
+she asked, so I supplied her with a good deal of information which I
+sincerely hope she never passed on to any one else.  Unfortunately our
+barge is near the 'Varsity's, and during the races a string of little
+flags fly from the 'Varsity barge to show the order of the colleges on
+the river.  I knew them well enough down to ours, and I even knew the
+ninth and tenth, but when Mrs. Faulkner wanted to know the whole lot, I
+had to use my imagination.  I know that I said Hertford twice and I
+finished up with All Souls, who only have about three undergraduates,
+so if they had rowed at all they would have been several men short.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should like to write the colleges down if I had a pencil," she said;
+"you rattle them off so fast.  Didn't you say that one flag belonged to
+the University, but the University flag is surely dark blue?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+And then I had to explain that University was a college and not the
+whole place, and she replied that she knew so much more about Cambridge
+than Oxford, and complained that our colleges had very confusing names.
+"Oriel!" she said scornfully, "it reminds me of a window, and then you
+have no originality.  Exeter, Worcester, Lincoln, why they are just
+names of towns, you can find them all in Bradshaw."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, at any rate Bradshaw's got nothing to do with it," I replied.
+"These colleges are hundreds of years old, and Bradshaw's a chicken
+compared with them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What dreadful slang.  Fancy calling Bradshaw a chicken!" she
+exclaimed.  "Besides, you have a college called Keble, and my father
+knew Dr. Keble, so that <I>can't</I> be hundreds of years old.  No,
+Cambridge have chosen their names better than Oxford."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sidney Sussex," I said, for I thought it necessary to make some reply;
+"it's more like the name of one of Ouida's heroes than a college."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+She shook her head gently.  "I can't get over your colleges sounding
+like railway-stations," she answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You must blame the bishops who founded them and not Bradshaw or me," I
+replied, for I was getting very tired.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Some one told me Keble is built of red-brick," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Red-brick is so bright," I answered, but I wanted to say something
+quite different, and at last a dim noise which quickly developed into a
+tremendous roar told us that the boats were coming.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Brasenose paddled home first, and not one of the next six boats were in
+any danger of being caught.  It was reserved for us and Merton to give
+the people on the barges some excitement, but when I saw Merton
+pressing us fearfully I wished that I was not hemmed in by a crowd of
+ladies.  I yelled tremendously because I could not help myself, and
+Mrs. Faulkner, after saying something which I did not catch, put her
+hands over her ears.  But shouting was useless.  The abominable thing
+happened right in front of our barge, and when I saw our cox's hand go
+up to show that all was over, it was a very bad moment indeed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Poor St. Cuthbert's, how very unfortunate they are," I heard a girl
+say; and some one else answered, "Yes, it's quite pathetic, so
+different from what one used to expect from them, but I am told that
+they are not the college they were."  That remark made me feel furious,
+and it was not until Mrs. Faulkner pulled my coat violently that I
+remembered that she was sitting close to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you make a bump?" I heard her asking me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, Merton bumped us.  We shall soon be sandwich boat," I answered,
+for I spoke without thinking.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sandwich boat, my dear Godfrey, is this a picnic?" she returned, and I
+did not know whether she was serious or only trying to be funny.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There's not much picnic about it," I replied; "we've gone down four
+places in four nights."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But what is a sandwich boat.  They don't have such things at
+Cambridge."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They do, at any rate my cousin rowed eight times in four nights and
+nearly died after it.  A sandwich boat is bottom of one division and
+top of the other, so it has got to row in both; it's got nothing to do
+with ham.  Shall we go?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Every one was leaving the barges, but Mrs. Faulkner remained in her
+chair.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Isn't that girl in mauve a perfect dream?" she said to me, but I
+pretended not to hear.  I had to wait for several minutes while dresses
+and the people who wore them were criticized, and I am sure that
+nothing but the National Anthem or force could have stirred Mrs.
+Faulkner from her seat.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We found Nina and Fred waiting for us, and Nina said she had been
+having a splendid time on the Oriel barge.  But I could think of
+nothing except that we were not the college we used to be, and I left
+Fred to talk to both Mrs. Faulkner and Nina.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap14"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XIV
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+When I got back to my rooms after leaving Mrs. Faulkner and Nina I
+found a note from Owen asking me to go and see him at once.  Since he
+had, until then, avoided me in every possible way I guessed that
+something serious had happened, and when I got to his rooms in Lomax
+Street, I found him in bed with a cough which ought to have frightened
+his landlady instead of making her in a very bad temper.  He was,
+however, more worried about the interruption to his reading than
+anxious about himself, and he said flatly that he could not afford to
+have a doctor.  I tried to cheer him up&mdash;but you can't cheer up a man
+with a cough&mdash;and I told him I would come to him whenever he wanted me,
+and made him promise he would send for me if I could do anything for
+him.  He did not seem to have a single friend in Oxford, and the
+loneliness of the man made me feel absolutely wretched.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went to a very confidential chemist who knew nearly every man who had
+ever been at Oxford, and everything under the sun, and explained to him
+what sort of cough Owen had.  He understood instantly, and said that he
+would send a mixture which worked miracles, but I could not get Owen
+off my mind at once, and when Jack Ward came in very late to see me I
+sat up talking to him until a most unrighteous hour, with the result
+that I lay in bed the next morning until I was perfectly tired of my
+scout coming to call me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+A letter from my mother was on my table in which she said that I was on
+no account to allow Nina to interrupt my reading, but I had only just
+finished breakfast, when Mrs. Faulkner and Nina came into my rooms.
+Mrs. Faulkner fixed her eyes on the tea-pot and said nothing; Nina,
+however, asked if everybody in Oxford breakfasted at eleven o'clock.  I
+had not expected them, and was consequently a little flurried; the
+truth is that I was not properly dressed, which handicapped my
+movements considerably.  Decency compelled me to keep my legs under the
+table, until I could slip into my bedder.  I was not in a condition to
+treat visitors who goaded at my laziness with any courage; tact was the
+only thing possible.  In my agitation I did not notice that Nina had
+put on the clock quite twenty minutes, and when she asked me if I was
+going to sit in front of the marmalade for the rest of the day, I had
+to reply that I thought it was rather a good place to sit.  I had
+managed to hide myself behind the table-cloth when I stood up to wish
+them good-morning, but I simply did not dare to move again.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mrs. Faulkner fluttered round the room looking at photographs; the bare
+knees of the Rugger XV. compelled her to say that she did not think
+them at all nice.  I put my legs farther under the table and felt like
+blushing.  She began to suspect that I was hiding something, and I am
+afraid she was the sort of woman who did not understand, until she had
+discovered them, that there are some things which had better remain
+hidden.  She tried little tricks to entice me from my seat, and even
+came and examined the table-cloth, which was ordinary enough, though
+she said it was a beautiful one.  I did not see how a white table-cloth
+could be beautiful, but I clutched it most fervently and her ruse
+failed.  She then asked me if a plate which had cost
+elevenpence-farthing was Wedgwood, and asked me to take it off the wall
+so that she might see the mark on the back.  I told her I had bought it
+at the Japanese shop and mentioned the sum it cost, but she declared
+that I had got a bargain and she must have it down.  I replied that it
+was a fixture, though I meant that I was, and that no one had ever been
+known to find a bargain in a Japanese shop.  Then she grew plaintive;
+"I think you might please me in this, Godfrey," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The time had come for me to take Nina into my confidence.  Mrs.
+Faulkner's eyes were fixed on the plate and her back was turned to me;
+I poked out one leg tentatively and Nina understood.  There was one
+splendid thing about Nina, you could always rely upon her in a crisis.
+She took up a chair at once and said that she would get the plate down;
+she added that unless I sat still after meals I might have very bad
+indigestion, but that was too much for Mrs. Faulkner.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shouldn't think Godfrey has had indigestion in his life," she said.
+"I don't believe he has ever heard of pepsine.  He is in a
+disgracefully bad temper; there is nothing else the matter with him as
+far as I can see."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He was a very delicate child," Nina answered, "and has always been
+quite disgracefully spoilt.  He never does anything which he doesn't
+like."  I felt that Nina was over-playing her part, but I could not
+defend myself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is so nice having Nina here to do things for me," I said meekly;
+"and I hope you don't mind me treating you as if you are a relation," I
+added to Mrs. Faulkner.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I do mind very much; nothing is an excuse for being lazy and
+ill-natured.  I was brought up in the old school, I suppose," she
+answered, and I wished to goodness she had never left it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina got up on the chair and pretended that she could not reach the
+plate.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Now if you stood up here you could reach it," she said, turning round
+to Mrs. Faulkner.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But Godfrey will surely not allow me to do that," she replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I always said that you were taller than Nina," I could not help
+remarking, for Nina prided herself on being about three inches taller
+than she was; and she had said all sorts of things about me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wonder if I could reach the plate," Mrs. Faulkner said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It would be rather a sporting thing to try," I answered.  "Nina
+couldn't reach it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think not," she returned; "I might fall over backwards."  And she
+sat down carefully in my biggest arm-chair.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My scout came in to clear away breakfast, and the situation was
+desperate.  I picked up a piece of toast hastily and told him to come
+back in half-an-hour.  Mrs. Faulkner had taken her seat behind me, and
+I could only turn with difficulty to talk to her; while Nina's
+enthusiasm on my behalf seemed to have waned since her plot to get Mrs.
+Faulkner on the chair had failed.  If I had only dressed the lower part
+of myself properly instead of the top part it would not have mattered
+so much, but as it was a collar and a St. Cuthbert's XI. tie were
+superfluous when other more necessary garments were lacking.  I was on
+the point of throwing myself upon the mercy of Mrs. Faulkner and of
+explaining to her that a lot of men I knew wore very short pyjama
+trousers and no socks in the mornings if they intended to read, when
+Murray burst into my rooms and almost asked me why I had cut a lecture
+before he saw that I had visitors.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I introduced him, and in the same breath declared that he would be
+delighted to show his rooms.  I was becoming reckless, and did not care
+if he thought me mad.  I went on to say that he had some splendid
+prints which Mrs. Faulkner would like to see, and Nina was kind enough
+to ask him if he would mind very much if they invaded his rooms.  He
+saw that something odd was happening; but Mrs. Faulkner was looking at
+me, and I could make only one sign to him.  I reached as far as I could
+under the table and having kicked off a bedroom slipper, I stuck out
+enough toes to tell him as much as he wanted to know.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Will you come?" he asked Mrs. Faulkner.  "I am afraid I have only one
+print; but I should like you to see my rooms."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mrs. Faulkner said that she would be delighted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Let us all go," she added; "I am sure Godfrey has been sitting long
+enough at that table."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I will be with you in two minutes," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray stood aside for them to go out, and closed the door behind him,
+and I fairly bolted into my bedroom.  But in two minutes I was dressed
+and able to go to Murray's rooms, armed with the most beautiful
+suggestions for spending the day.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Will your digestion really allow you to walk about so soon?" Mrs.
+Faulkner asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He never has anything the matter with him," Murray said, with all the
+thoughtlessness of a dyspeptic.  "He used to eat huge lunches, and then
+play footer; there's not much wrong with a man like that."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't know what I have suffered in secret," I replied; and Nina
+now that I was clothed again turned upon me and said, "Have you known
+him all these years and not found that out, Mrs. Faulkner?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is a good deal about Godfrey that I don't quite understand," was
+the answer, and since I could not wonder at that, I begged to be
+allowed to take her wherever she wished to go.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We strolled about Oxford until lunch-time, and I answered every
+question asked me, and most of my answers were accurate.  For I had
+been careful enough to take an Oxford guide-book to bed with me, and
+had not entirely wasted the early morning.  In fact Mrs. Faulkner's
+visit forced me to see that I knew very little about Oxford.  My
+guide-book knowledge was so condensed that it was more satisfying than
+satisfactory, and if I had been asked what I charged per hour, I should
+have had no right to be angry.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+However, I did march Mrs. Faulkner and Nina round some of the sights of
+the place.  I showed them the Bodleian, All Souls, Shelley's memorial,
+and finally brought them to a shady seat in Addison's Walk.  I had been
+compelled to hurry for two reasons; in the first place we had not very
+much time, and secondly, my knowledge was not proof against the string
+of questions which only want of breath could stop Mrs. Faulkner from
+asking.  I should imagine that a large number of men never find out how
+great their ignorance of Oxford is until they have to show people round
+it, and I candidly confess that on this day I was ashamed of myself.  I
+was more at home in Addison's Walk than in any other place to which I
+had taken them, for it was in the open air, and also there was
+something about Addison and Steele and Gay which made me like them.
+The coffee-houses at which they met must have had some mysterious
+attraction for me, I think, and led me on to read what they had
+written.  I should have liked to have Sir Roger de Coverley for my
+uncle, and I cannot imagine a nicer man to have a day's fishing with
+than Will Wimble.  I hated Pope as much as I liked Addison, and though
+Mrs. Faulkner said he was a great satirist, I thought of him only as a
+man who wrote most disagreeable things about his friends.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is necessary to separate the man from his work, if you are to be a
+good critic," Mrs. Faulkner said, and though this remark may be true
+enough I did not answer it, for Nina was looking extremely bored by the
+conversation we had been having about Addison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We may as well go to Oriel and find Fred," I suggested, and Nina got
+up at once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Unfortunately the art of satire is dead, drowned by exaggeration,"
+Mrs. Faulkner said as we went through the cloisters.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think it's a better death than it deserves, don't you, Nina?" I
+replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I know nothing whatever about it," she answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Abuse has taken the place of satire," Mrs. Faulkner continued.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And a jolly good job, too," I said, for Nina's face of disgust made me
+forget to whom I was talking; "it is those sly digs in the ribs which
+make me ill."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My dear Godfrey, what dreadful slang you use.  A few minutes ago you
+surprised me by being interested in English literature, and now you
+talk as if there had never been such a thing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You surprised me, too," I said, for I felt as if I had concealed
+enough for one day.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How?  Do tell me," Mrs. Faulkner said quickly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should not have thought that you cared about Addison or any of those
+old people," I answered, but I began to wish I had been more cautious.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why not?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, I don't know."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But, why not?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, I thought you were more modern."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know what you mean," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sure I don't," I answered; and as we passed Long Wall Street I
+managed to get on the far side of Nina, and to beseech her to say
+something.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I insist on you telling me what you mean," I heard Mrs. Faulkner say,
+but before I could even think of my answer Nina had come to my rescue
+by declaring that she admired the hat of a girl who was walking in
+front of us.  It was a flower-garden hat, and looked more like an
+advertisement for somebody's seeds than a decent covering for the head.
+Nina's remark, however, turned Mrs. Faulkner's attention away from me,
+and we listened to a lecture on taste until we were safely in Oriel.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But Fred was not forthcoming, and Mrs. Faulkner promptly decided that
+he was working.  Comparisons, in which I took no kind of interest, were
+drawn between his industry and my laziness.  I endured them in silence,
+though I could have given Fred away had I liked, for his cap and gown
+were both in his rooms, and I knew that he was more probably batting in
+a net than taking notes at a lecture.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After looking round Oriel, Mrs. Faulkner and Nina went back to the
+Rudolf, and I said that I must go to St. Cuthbert's and see that their
+luncheon had not been forgotten.  Mrs. Faulkner smiled at me
+sorrowfully when I left her, and I believe she intended me to believe
+that I had hurt her feelings very much.  If I live to threescore years
+and ten I shall not understand Mrs. Faulkner.  I felt very bothered
+that morning, for Nina and Mrs. Faulkner would not be in a good temper
+at the same time; but I met Dennison in the quad, who introduced me to
+his mother, two sisters, two cousins and an aunt.  He looked quite
+tired, and asked me to luncheon, but unless he had engaged the biggest
+room at the Sceptre I should think he must have been glad when I
+refused.  He was, however, most palpably short of men.  I had hardly
+got rid of Dennison when I ran into Lambert, escorting four more ladies
+with prodigiously long names; I think he must have found them at the
+theatre, and he looked more pleased with himself than ever.  When I got
+back to my rooms I felt quite thankful that my party had not reached an
+unwieldy size, and I had not to wait long before Mrs. Faulkner, Nina
+and Fred all arrived together.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It is no use trying to give a luncheon party in a very small room,
+which was not built for parties of any kind, unless every one is
+prepared to be thoroughly uncomfortable.  You have got to put dishes
+wherever they will go and worry through as best you can.  I had taken
+quite a lot of trouble over the food, and the size of the room was not
+my fault.  My scout had made many subtle dispositions of furniture, but
+the fact remained that the table was not made to hold five people,
+unless the whole lot were really good sorts.  So I was delighted to
+find that Mrs. Faulkner was in her amiable mood and to hear her say
+that she was prepared for anything, though had I not been so sure that
+she would be inconvenienced, not to say squashed, before she finished,
+I am not sure that I should have accepted this reckless mood as much of
+a compliment.  The table was so crowded that it was not easy to see how
+many people were expected to sit at it, and I was not surprised when
+Nina suggested that we should begin luncheon.  I pretended not to hear
+what she said, and poked my head into a cupboard in the vain hope that
+I might find something which I did not know I had lost.  Mrs. Faulkner,
+however, ranged herself by the table and counted the napkins.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Five," I heard her say, and I withdrew my head from the cupboard and
+whispered "Jack Ward" to Nina.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Five," Mrs. Faulkner repeated and looked at Nina, Fred and me, as if
+she was holding a roll-call.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who's the fifth?" Fred asked; "at any rate, I vote we begin."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At that moment I heard some one rushing up-stairs several steps at a
+time.  Outside my door he stopped to get some breath, and when I
+introduced him to Mrs. Faulkner and Nina he was so apologetic for being
+late that it was quite difficult for me to stop him.  I must say that
+Mrs. Faulkner tried to adapt herself to the spirit of this luncheon.
+There was not much shyness about Jack Ward, and in a very few minutes
+Mrs. Faulkner was fairly beaming upon him.  She found out that she knew
+his cousins, and Jack, who would say anything to please any lady,
+declared that he had often heard of her.  As he asked me afterwards
+what her name was, I had to tell him that he was a regular humbug, but
+he said that he was sure that she was the kind of lady who liked to
+think she was never forgotten, and it was a pity to miss a harmless
+chance of making her feel pleased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At first I think Jack made her almost too pleased, and later on there
+was rather a distinct reaction.  She was not content with discovering
+his cousins, but also found out that his father was what she called a
+most generous benefactor.  "The sort of man who does so much good
+quietly, so unlike those noisy, discomforting people who will give
+something if somebody will give something else.  Charity ought not to
+be limited by conditions," I heard her say.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think my father exactly throws his money about," Jack said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sure he doesn't," Mrs. Faulkner agreed readily.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I mean that if he gives a lot away he expects to make a lot besides.
+He is a business man, you see," Jack returned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Business men are the backbone of England," Mrs. Faulkner said at once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But they aren't heroes or anybody of that kind," Jack answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mrs. Faulkner shook her head sorrowfully.  "You young men are all
+alike, you will never allow your parents to have any virtues."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was on the point of breaking a silence which had been extraordinarily
+prolonged, but Jack got ahead of me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I know every one is always saying that," he began, "but I don't think
+it is true.  If you praised my father for being generous he would
+simply laugh at you.  He isn't built that way, you see, and he would
+think anybody a fool who gave a tremendous lot without hoping to get
+something back.  It is a matter of business with him and he is honest
+enough to admit it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You do allow that he is honest," Mrs. Faulkner put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course," Jack replied quite good-temperedly, "only no one cares to
+brag about their relations unless they want to be called a snob or a
+bore.  It wouldn't do, you see, for a man to go about declaring that he
+had an uncle who was miles ahead of everybody else's uncle, or an aunt
+who could give a start to any other aunt in the world."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It depends upon what sort of start the aunt gave," Nina, who had been
+talking to Fred, remarked, and I knew by her smile that she intended
+this for humour; but Fred did not hear what she said, or I expect he
+would have laughed.  Sometimes he was very weak with Nina.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am to believe then," Mrs. Faulkner said, "that all of you are very
+proud of your parents, only it is what you call bad form to admit it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack gave a great laugh which made everything rattle on the table, and
+Mrs. Faulkner, being unaccustomed to him, looked surprised.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why is it such a joke?" she asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sorry," Jack replied; "I laugh sometimes quite unexpectedly, in
+my bath and places like that.  I think my nerves must be wrong."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Cigarettes," Mrs. Faulkner declared.  "I think I shall write to the
+papers about the University man of the day; I don't understand him in
+the least," and I unfortunately caught Fred's eye and smiled.  Her
+statement seemed to account for so much unnecessary correspondence.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do," Jack answered, "and Foster, Godfrey and I will answer it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There wouldn't be much to write, which any one who hasn't been at
+Cambridge or here would believe," Fred said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why not?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Because they wouldn't understand that a great many men amuse
+themselves in odd ways and yet are not complete idiots.  If you saw us
+dancing round a bonfire you might think we were all mad, but we aren't
+a bit."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shouldn't choose a bonfire to dance round," Mrs. Faulkner said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's just it," Fred replied; "but it's very good sport when you
+happen to like it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The college messenger came into the room with a note for me which was
+marked "urgent," and I asked if I might read it.  Jack Ward was the
+only man who ever wanted me in a hurry, and so confident was I in the
+infallibility of my chemist that I was not thinking of Owen.  When I
+had finished reading the note I found that the conversation had taken a
+more lively turn.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is so fortunate I brought something fit to wear," Mrs. Faulkner was
+saying.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have only got four tickets, I wish I had got one for you," Fred said
+to Jack Ward, and then I remembered that Fred had promised to get
+tickets for the Brasenose ball which was taking place that evening.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You can have mine," I told Jack Ward.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course I can't do that," Jack answered; "I expect I can get one all
+right, if I may join you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina, who was nothing if not expeditious, said that he had better go at
+once and see if he could get a ticket, but I stopped him by repeating
+that he could have mine.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It won't be used unless you take it," I added.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Every one except Fred, who saw that something had happened, led me to
+believe that I was very disagreeable and foolish.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We arranged last night that we should go if Fred could get the
+tickets," Nina said, and then by way of propitiating me she told me
+that I knew how well I danced.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will spoil Nina's evening," Mrs. Faulkner declared, and Nina, I
+must say, was pouting most magnificently.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why can't you come?" she asked.  "Has it got anything to do with that
+wretched note?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not another row?" Jack Ward put in most inconsiderately.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Fred never said anything about it till too late," I answered; "he kept
+the whole thing so dark."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I knew before luncheon," Nina replied, as if she had settled me
+completely.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I managed to let Fred know that I wanted him to read the note, and
+having opened the Oxford "Mag" no one saw that he had got the letter
+inside the pages.  For a minute I persuaded Jack steadfastly to take my
+ticket and he refused with determination.  If it had not been that Nina
+was upset very easily, and Mrs. Faulkner had been known to have
+hysteria without giving any one a moment's notice, I would have
+brandished the note in their faces instead of standing first on one leg
+and then on the other and looking a most hopeless fool.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not know what to say next, when Fred put down the magazine and
+joined us by the window.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If you can't well manage to come to-night," he said, "and it was most
+awfully stupid of me not to tell you at once that we were going, I am
+sure Ward will have this ticket," and he pulled it out of his pocket
+and simply made Jack take it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't really think I can go, though I will turn up if I can," I
+said, and Fred made the most of my promise and talked so much that
+before I had to say anything else I found that he had persuaded Mrs.
+Faulkner and Nina to go down to the river and watch Oriel rowing in the
+earlier division.  I went with them as far as the college lodge and
+then I disappeared, for the note which I had received upset all my
+hopes of enjoying myself for the rest of the day.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The first part of it was from Owen, who said he was feeling dreadfully
+ill, but the second part was written by his landlady, and she seemed to
+be in a terrible temper.  As far as I could make out Owen was very much
+worse and still refused to have a doctor.  "He says," his landlady
+wrote, "that if I send for a physician he won't pay him and I was up
+last night five times and who is going to stand it cough he coughs
+something awful and what's going to happen I don't know I expect he's
+got typhoid fever or something horrible."  She did not use any stops,
+but that might have been because she was in a hurry; clearly, however,
+she was very angry, and there was only one thing for me to do.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went round to Lomax Street as fast as I could, and I had no sooner
+got inside the house then I heard Owen coughing.  I found his landlady
+in the state her letter had suggested I should find her, she was
+infinitely more sorry for herself than she was for Owen, and since he
+was too ill for her to get any satisfaction from visiting her grievance
+upon him she started off upon me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are his friend," she said as she met me in the passage, "and you
+ought to have been here before.  I was just doing myself up before
+putting on my bonnet to go out and report this case."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"To whom were you going to report it?" I asked, for I felt very much as
+if I should like to know.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You can report it now, I put all responsibility upon you," she stated
+loudly, and she took me up-stairs and announced me in a voice which
+would have shaken the nerves of a strong man.  I could not put up with
+her any longer and I told her abruptly to go.  She went energetically,
+her shoulders protesting against my rudeness, and she marched down the
+stairs with as much noise as she could make without hurting her feet.
+I am glad that there are very few landladies left, at least in Oxford,
+who look upon any illness as an opportunity for showing how nasty they
+can be.  I simply hated that woman, and before I had done with her I
+was weak enough to tell her so.  I was defeated in that battle of plain
+speaking.  To me, unaccustomed to illness, Owen looked as bad as anyone
+could look, and apart from his cough and his temperature he had got all
+sorts of worries on his mind which he wanted me to hear.  I listened to
+what he said without interrupting him, but I was impressed with the
+fact that I must creep about a sick-room, and I am afraid I was
+ostentatiously quiet.  His troubles had to do with the expenses of his
+illness, and he beseeched me not to send for a doctor or a nurse.  I
+tried to set his mind at rest, but I failed; he saw that I thought him
+very ill, and when I moved round the room on tiptoe he asked me to make
+as much noise as I liked.  I was no use as a sick nurse, and my efforts
+to make the room look fit to live in, though meant splendidly, seemed
+to me to make the place more uncomfortable and cheerless than ever.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I promised faithfully that I would stay with him during the night, but
+he could not make me say that I would not see a doctor, and as soon as
+I could I went off and got a man whom I had once met at a smoking
+conceit.  This doctor was a bustling little man who did not sympathize
+with nonsense, and I had to explain a lot of things before I made him
+understand that this was a peculiar case.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What is the good of you sitting up all night, even if it is
+necessary," he said to me as we walked from his house to Lomax Street;
+"you would certainly go to sleep and do more harm than good."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Owen has a fairly bad cough," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If it is bad enough to keep you awake he ought to have a proper nurse."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He doesn't want to have a proper nurse, he is rather hard up," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Pish," was his only answer, but when he got to Owen's rooms I should
+think he must have known that I had spoken the truth.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I got leave from the Subby to stay with Owen during the night, but I
+cannot say that I was a successful nurse.  I took some books with me
+because I thought it would be a good opportunity to do some reading,
+but of course I went to sleep, and woke up with a snort which would
+have made me unpopular in any dormitory in the world.  Owen was so much
+worse in the morning that he had to be moved out of his wretched
+lodgings into a place where he would be properly looked after.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went back to St. Cuthbert's about eleven o'clock in a state of
+horrible depression.  I had promised to pay all the expenses of this
+illness, and how I was to do it I had not an idea.  The year was nearly
+over and my funds were exceedingly low, but I could not help making
+Owen believe that I had more money than I knew how to spend.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Outside St. Cuthbert's I met Mrs. Faulkner and Nina, and while Mrs.
+Faulkner was commenting upon my dejected appearance Nina told me
+frankly that I looked dirty.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have been up all night," I said, for there was no longer any reason
+why I should not explain what had happened.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We were not in bed until four o'clock," Nina answered proudly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What have you been doing?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have been nursing a man who is ill," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Infectious?" Mrs. Faulkner asked breathlessly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Pneumonia, double pneumonia, I believe," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you heard about it yesterday afternoon?" Nina said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then why didn't you tell us?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.  "Fred and Nina
+have been quarrelling about you, and I have said the most awful things.
+You really might have more consideration."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought it would spoil your dance if I told you; I didn't know what
+was the matter with the man."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a dear, Godfrey," Nina said, and she linked her arm in mine.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am an idiot if you want to call me any names," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You were always that," Nina said in the manner which is called
+playful; "we are just going to see Mr. Ward, who is perfectly charming;
+won't you come with us?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am going to have a bath, and then I must see Fred."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina looked displeased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's the matter with Fred?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's as perfect as usual," Nina answered, and swung her parasol to
+show that she was not interested in him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We are blocking the street, and you nearly hit a man in the eye with
+that thing," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will be in a better temper when you are cleaner," Nina retorted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We go down at 4.15," Mrs. Faulkner said as we went into the lodge; "we
+are going on some river, the one that isn't deep, in a punt with Mr.
+Ward, and he is taking luncheon for us.  Do you think it is quite safe,
+Godfrey?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Quite, if Nina doesn't try to punt," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Must we go away this afternoon?" Nina asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My dear, I have three, if not four, people arriving to-night," Mrs.
+Faulkner replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I will be at the station to see you off," I said, for even if they
+wanted me I did not feel like punting on the Cherwell.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I pointed out Jack Ward's rooms to Nina, and had walked half-way across
+the quad when Mrs. Faulkner called me back.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hope your friend is better?" she asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He has only just begun to be ill," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap15"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XV
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+MISHAPS
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+After I had been to my rooms and had a bath I went round to Oriel to
+see Fred, but he was not in his rooms, so I left a note to tell him
+that he must come to luncheon with me.  Then I rushed back to St.
+Cuthbert's and went to hear Mr. Edwardes lecturing.  I missed the
+beginning of the lecture, and I might just as well have stayed away
+altogether, for Mr. Edwardes asked me to speak to him at the end of it,
+though what he meant was that he was going to speak while I was to
+listen.  Grave things were happening, at least I thought them grave,
+and Mr. Edwardes had nothing whatever to do with them.  While he talked
+to me I was trying by a process of mental arithmetic to discover how
+much money I had to my credit in the bank; the voice which I heard
+seemed to me to belong to bygone ages, and I was so worried by actual
+and present facts that I could not screw up a vestige of interest in
+antiquities.  I know that it was always my fate to arouse either the
+irony or the anger of my tutor, for to other men he was far more
+pleasant than he was to me, but I could not help thinking of him as
+representative of a system which could never influence me in the least.
+He soon discovered that I was paying no attention to him, and I suppose
+that I must have got most vigorously on his nerves, for he really
+became quite humanly angry, I must have been nearer to an understanding
+with him at that moment than I had ever been.  But when his rage
+abated, his lips snapped and the thunderbolts ceased.  He went on too
+long and became sarcastic again, as if ashamed of being properly angry,
+and I left him with the usual hopeless feeling that we should never
+understand each other.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went into the common room as I was crossing the quad, and before I
+had been there two minutes Dennison came in with Lambert and two or
+three other men of their set.  No one else was in the room except
+Murray, who was reading, and absolutely refused to talk to me about
+Edwardes, so I turned over various papers until Dennison asked me if I
+did not think our eight was quite the most comically bad boat I had
+ever seen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The whole college is going to the deuce," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You look as if you were up late last night, and have got a fair old
+head on this morning," Dennison declared.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I haven't been to bed at all, if you want to know," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Going to the deuce with the rest of the college, well, you have the
+consolation of being quite the most amusing man in it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I think I was fool enough to say that I was not amusing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not consciously," Dennison replied, "but I get more fun from you than
+from anybody, and when you are in a serious mood you are the most comic
+man I know.  He's delicious, isn't he, Lambert?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If you can't see the funny side of our eight, you must be a madman,"
+Lambert said to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We used to be head of the river, and now we can't row for sour
+apples," Dennison chuckled, "the thing's a perfect pantomime."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you are the stupidest clown in it," I said suddenly, for although
+I did not want to lose my temper the "sour apples" expression, on the
+top of being told that I had "a fair old head," compelled me to say
+something.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"One to Marten," Lambert said, as he stalked about the room; they were
+a most trying lot to have anything to do with.  Everything they said
+was just the thing that made me want to get away from them, and
+Dennison had told me once that he considered conversation a very fine
+art.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It would have been wise of me to have gone away without waiting for
+Dennison's attempts to get level with me, but I felt like staying where
+I was.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Poor old fellow," Dennison groaned, "he sits up all night, and then
+his conscience smites him and his head aches, and he thinks the college
+is going to the deuce and is to be saved from perdition by his being
+rude.  What you want, old chap, is a sedlitz powder; go and have one,
+and you won't be so gloomy, you may even smile when you see our eight
+bumped to-night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You laugh and jeer at our boat when it goes down, but I'll bet you
+would be the first to kick up a row if we ever make any bumps again,
+though you don't care whether we go to the bottom of the river and stop
+there," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't see that it matters," Lambert put in, "and I would much rather
+be bottom than bottom but one or even two, there's something dignified
+about being absolutely last."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Take a sedlitz powder and become a philosopher," Dennison suggested.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I always thought your philosophy was founded on something confoundedly
+odd," I returned, "and now I know all about it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose you think that very witty," he replied, and he almost lost
+his temper, "but though I may not be much of a philosopher I am a
+first-rate doctor, so when a man wants medicine I tell him so."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Thanks," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are on the wrong track," he went on, beginning to smile again,
+"the wretched school-boy notion of being sick to death when you are
+beaten at anything is all humbug here, the thing to do is to laugh
+whatever happens, and to-day you look as if you hadn't a laugh left in
+you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's sitting up all night," Lambert said, "you can't laugh all day
+and night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then I told them that if they wanted to see the college perfectly
+useless at everything they must be the biggest fools in Oxford, and I
+appealed to Murray to support me, because Dennison never spoke to him
+if he could help doing so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is much easier to laugh than it is to row," was all Murray said,
+and he went out of the room at once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That man's the most complete prig in the 'Varsity," Dennison declared,
+"and as long as a college has a lot of men like him in it nothing else
+matters.  We don't want smugs here."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Murray," I said solidly, "is neither a prig nor a smug, and as you
+have never said half-a-dozen words to him you can't possibly know
+anything about him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A smug is always labelled," he answered, "and that man looks one from
+his hat to his boots, don't you think so, Lambert?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Of course Lambert thought so, and I, having already said much more than
+I intended, was just going to say a lot more, when a whole crowd of men
+came into the room and saved me from the impossible task of making
+Dennison believe that he could make a mistake.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went back to my rooms and found Fred waiting for me, but from the way
+I banged my note-book on the table and threw my gown into a corner, I
+should not think that he expected me to be very pleasant.  Fred,
+however, understood me, and it seems to me that I have always been very
+lucky in having one friend who never tried to make out that I was in a
+good temper when I was in a bad one.  Some people when they suspect
+that you are angry ask silly little questions just to find out if their
+suspicious are true, but Fred always left me alone.  He simply took no
+notice of me at all, and though that was very annoying, it was not half
+as bad as a string of questions or a lot of stupid remarks about things
+which I did not want to hear.  I banged about the room tremendously,
+but Fred went on reading <I>The Sportsman</I> and waited for me to become
+fit to speak to.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At last I threw myself into a chair close to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"For goodness' sake stop reading that blessed paper," I said; "why I
+take the wretched thing I don't know, who cares whether Kent beats
+Lancashire or whether Cambridge makes four hundred against the M.C.C."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You and I do," Fred answered, and tossed <I>The Sportsman</I> on to the
+table.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have been waiting here for half-an-hour to hear what has happened,
+but you seem to be in such an infernally bad temper that I should think
+I had better go.  There is a very fair chance of a row if I stay here,
+for I can't stand much to-day," he went on, when I had picked up the
+paper to see who had made the runs for Cambridge.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Everything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you have a good ball?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Perfectly rotten."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did Nina get plenty of partners?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Crowds."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you didn't feel like going on the 'Cher' this morning?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have had two pros bowling to me," he answered, "I was bowled about a
+dozen times.  Besides I wasn't asked to go on the 'Cher.'"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nina and Mrs. Faulkner said all sorts of things about me last night?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who told you so?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They did."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sometimes Nina's temper isn't any better than yours," he said.  "What
+happened to you?  How's Owen?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Owen is very bad," I answered, and while we had lunch I told him what
+I had been doing.  "In a few hours I have made a fool of myself three
+times," I said, "I've promised to pay for Owen, and I have had rows
+with both Edwardes and Dennison.  This college is going to blazes, and
+it is men like Edwardes, who is a great lump of ice, and Dennison, who
+just wants to be a blood in his own miserable little way, who will be
+responsible.  Edwardes never cares what happens, and Dennison is
+collecting a set round him who can do nothing but wear waistcoats, eat
+and drink.  You have all the luck in belonging to a college where men
+don't become bloods by drinking hard, and where everybody takes an
+interest in the place.  St. Cuthbert's will never get a decent fresher
+to come to it if we don't do something to make it alive again."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred stretched himself and yawned, all the life seemed to have gone out
+of him in some way.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You wouldn't like to belong to a college which has been something and
+is on the road to be nothing," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It takes a lot to ruin a college," he answered; "every one knows that
+St. Cuthbert's is a good enough place, and one man like Dennison won't
+make much difference."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Won't he? you don't know him as well as I do.  He'd ruin the Bank of
+England if he could be the only director for a year."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But there are heaps of other men besides him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No one seems to care; we just live on our reputation, and when
+Dennison is no longer a fresher he will wreck the whole place, he is
+clever enough to do it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are in a villainous temper and exaggerate everything," Fred said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You know that Oriel is all right, and you don't care what happens to
+us," I retorted, and then Fred woke up and we very nearly had a
+terrific row.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The remembrance of this day still makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am
+quite certain that Fred was the only man in Oxford who could have put
+up with me.  I simply walked from quarrel to quarrel, and I seemed to
+want each one to be more violent than the last.  Now I come to think of
+it, it is possible that Dennison's advice was sound; I must certainly
+have needed something which I did not take, but after all I think a
+long sleep was probably what I wanted.  At any rate I was a most
+unpleasant companion, and Fred told me afterwards that he had not known
+me for so many years, without finding out that I could be thoroughly
+unreasonable when I had a really bad day.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Undoubtedly that day was a very bad one, and when any one stays up all
+night I advise him to go to bed during the next day, just to save
+trouble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We had arrived at a state of silence, for I had nothing left to say,
+and Fred refused to say anything, when Jack Ward strolled into the
+room, as if he had nothing more than usual to do, and had just come to
+waste his time and mine.  He must have tried to make what is called a
+dramatic entry, for most people who were in his condition would have
+hurried up for all they were worth.  He was wet through from head to
+foot, his collar hung round his neck like a dirty rag, and his whole
+appearance reminded me of a scarecrow which has suffered dreadfully
+from the weather.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What has happened?" I asked at once, for he walked straight up to an
+empty bottle and shook his head mournfully.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nothing," he answered, "except that your sister fell into the 'Cher'
+and I hauled her out, and Mrs. What's-her-name shrieked and had
+hysterics.  They are all right now, but as soon as I got your sister to
+the bank, I had to throw water over the other lady; I began by
+sprinkling her face, but as she rather liked that I had to give her a
+regular good dose, and then she opened her eyes and said her dress was
+spoilt.  I must have some hot whisky, or I shall catch cold."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We besieged Jack with questions, but we did not get much satisfaction
+from his replies.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It was all my fault," he said.  "I thought I could teach your sister
+to punt, and she fell in and I pulled her out.  I have told you that
+before."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nina can swim," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There wasn't much time to think about that, besides, she had a long
+dress on.  I am afraid we made rather a sensation when I got a cab for
+them down at Magdalen."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We must go round at once," I said to Fred.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think it is much good doing that," Jack went on.  "I am
+awfully sorry that it happened, because Mrs. Faulkner was annoyed at
+first, and that was bad enough, but just before I left it suddenly
+occurred to her that I was very plucky and ought to be thanked, which
+was much worse.  She says they are both going to bed until it is time
+for them to get up and catch the train.  In that way she hopes to avoid
+the most serious consequences.  Your sister thinks it rather a good
+joke; I hope she won't catch a bad cold."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You had better go and change," I said, and I asked Fred if he would
+come to the Rudolf, but he said that it was no use for him to go if
+Mrs. Faulkner and Nina were in bed, and that he would meet me at the
+station.  Then I said something to Jack about it being awfully good of
+him to have jumped into the "Cher" to fish Nina out, but I was very
+glad when he asked me to shut up, for Fred was looking more gloomy than
+ever, and I am sure that he, having seen Nina swimming heaps of times,
+thought the whole thing was thoroughly stupid.  I did not quite know
+what to think about it, but I wished most sincerely that Nina had never
+tried to punt.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred walked with me for a short way down the Broad, but stopped by
+Balliol, and said he was going in to see a man.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This affair is a horrid nuisance," I remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nina wouldn't drown very easily," he returned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But she had a long dress on," and of this remark Fred took no notice.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think I shall come down to the station," he said; "will you
+wish Mrs. Faulkner and Nina good-bye from me?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, I won't," I replied, and we stared at each other so hard that we
+were nearly run over by a cab; "you must come, do come to please me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You do such a precious lot to make me want to please you," he
+retorted, and he looked most desperately down on his luck.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do forget all about this afternoon.  I didn't mean one word I said."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You said a precious lot.  I'll come all right, but they won't want to
+see me," and he walked off before I could tell him that they had better
+want to see him, or I would have even another row.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I got to the Rudolf I sent up a card to Nina on which I wrote
+something which at the moment I thought funny.  But she did not seem to
+see the humour of it, for she sent me down an angry little note in
+which she told me to go away and meet her at four o'clock.  I went away
+sorrowfully, for there was a sense of importance about that note which
+told me that Nina was not going to tumble into the Cher for nothing,
+and I knew I should hear more than enough about it before long.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But I did not think that I should be made to suffer until I got to the
+station.  But when your luck is dead out it is wise to be prepared for
+anything.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I strolled aimlessly down the Corn-market, and having nothing whatever
+to do, I turned into the Union to read the papers, or write a letter to
+my brother, or do anything to pass the time.  I stood in the hall for
+some minutes looking at, but not reading, the telegrams; I was trying
+to remember whether it was my turn to write to my brother or his to
+write to me, and two or three men who found me planted in front of the
+telegrams shoved me a little, so I moved away and met a man whom I knew.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Halloa, Marten," he said, "I've just seen the pluckiest thing; that
+man Ward, you know him, fairly saved a girl's life.  She fell out of a
+punt on the Cher, a pretty girl too.  Ward's a lucky brute, you ought
+to have been there."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've heard all about it," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But it only happened an hour ago."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ward told me, he didn't think much of it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, you should have seen him, I tell you he did it splendidly; I
+always thought he was a friend of yours, but you don't look very keen.
+However, it's something to talk about," he said, as he strolled off to
+find some one who would suit him better than I did.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I drifted from the hall to one of the smoking-rooms, where I sat down
+next to a big, bearded man, who was wearing a most extraordinary wide
+pair of trousers, and who looked as if he would discourage the attempts
+of any one who wanted to talk.  He looked at me over the top of <I>The
+Times</I>, and having had the courage to sit next to him, I felt that if
+he would only look at other men as he did at me I should get all the
+protection I required.  I read in the aimless way which makes me turn
+the paper over frequently in the futile hope of finding something
+interesting, and I could not help knowing that my neighbour's eyes were
+far oftener on me than on <I>The Times</I>.  But I had no intention of
+leaving him, for we were members of a defensive alliance, though he
+knew nothing about it; two or three men I knew walked through the room
+and left me alone; I was, I thought, in an almost impregnable position
+and I closed my eyes, but before I had passed from the stage of
+wondering whether I should snore if I went to sleep, I felt a touch on
+my arm, and found Learoyd standing by me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Go away," I said sleepily, "I am very tired."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He leant over my chair and began to whisper; his back unfortunately was
+turned to my ally, or I think I could have stopped him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you know," he began, "that your sister has been nearly drowned in
+the Cher, and Ward jumped in after her?  Everybody says he saved her
+life and will get a medal."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who's everybody?" I asked, and I heard a noise, which was more like a
+grunt than anything else, from the chair behind Learoyd.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Pratt told me, and I knew it must have been your sister because I saw
+Ward start out of the college with her and some one else.  It was your
+sister, wasn't it?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes," I answered, and my friend in the wide trousers got up and walked
+by us.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am awfully glad it was your sister now that I have told Pratt so,"
+Learoyd said.  "He told me that he didn't think it could have been,
+because you didn't tell him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I never tell an ass like Pratt anything," I replied, "he would die if
+he hadn't got something to talk about."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am very glad she wasn't drowned."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are only glad she fell in," I could not help saying.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He looked rather bothered for a minute.  "No, I didn't mean that, only
+Pratt isn't the man to tell anything which isn't true, he's such a
+gossip," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose every one is bound to know all about it.  I shouldn't wonder
+if it isn't in the papers this evening," I said, as I got out of my
+chair.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is sure to be," Learoyd replied cheerfully.  "Jack Ward will have
+to pretend not to like it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He won't like it," I said, and I gave Learoyd my paper to read and
+made my escape into the garden.  I sat down as far away from every one
+as I could and asked a waiter to bring me some tea, and for quite five
+minutes I was not molested.  It was very early for tea, and the waiter
+was talkative when he came back.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Going down to the river this afternoon, sir?" he said, as I fumbled in
+my pockets for some money.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nearly a sad accident on the Cherwell this morning I heard some
+gentleman saying.  A gentleman from St. Cuthbert's College saved a
+young lady from drowning; he ought to marry the young lady, I say," he
+concluded with a waggish shake of the head, and he began to grope in
+his pockets for sixpence.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't bother about the change," I said, "you're a humorist."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A what, sir?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A humorist," I answered so loudly that nearly every one in the garden
+looked round.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am a bit of a comic, thank you, sir.  I sings a bit and acts a bit
+when I get the chance.  But people ought to be more careful when they
+go boating, many a good life's been lost by drowning, leaving sorrow
+behind it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Some one is calling you," I said desperately, and just then I saw
+Pratt come into the garden and fix his eyes on me.  I rose hurriedly,
+and leaving my tea bolted for the door which leads into Castle Street.
+I turned round when I reached the door and saw the waiter tapping his
+forehead with one finger and talking to Pratt.  It was not difficult to
+guess what he was saying.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not know what to do next, so I walked very slowly to the station
+and stood in front of the book-stall.  Business unfortunately was slack
+when I arrived and one of the boys would not leave me alone, he offered
+me so many papers that in sheer desperation I bought several; I told
+him that I would have two shillings' worth, and left the selection of
+them to him.  Then I walked off to a seat at the end of the platform to
+do a little thinking, but before I had really got settled I saw Fred
+walking towards me with his head somewhere near the second button of
+his waistcoat.  I shouted to him, and after we had sat on the bench for
+quite a minute without speaking we both began to laugh at the same
+time, until a porter and a ticket-collector came to see what was
+happening.  The porter was a burly man with a cheerful countenance, and
+he seemed so pleased to see any one enjoying themselves that he came
+close to us, but the ticket-collector stood afar off.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nice weather, gentlemen," he said, and having agreed with him we began
+to laugh again.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've not 'eard a good joke for many a fine day, you seem to be
+a-enjoying of yourselves, my missis 'as got the mumps," and he took off
+his cap and scratched his head.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred said that mumps were very painful.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nearly what you call a tragedy on the river to-day, seemingly," he
+went on, and I groaned aloud, but Fred, who had no idea what was
+coming, asked him what had happened.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's like this," he began, "one of my mates, who 'as a brother what
+belongs to one of them boat-'ouses where they let out most anything to
+anybody what'll pay for it, 'eard in 'is dinner 'our as 'ow a young
+woman would 'ave gone to 'er death only 'er young man 'opped into the
+river and saved 'er life.  That's what my mate told me, but 'e's a bit
+of a liar."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I jumped up from the seat before he had time to tell us anything more,
+and pushing a shilling into his hand said that the ticket-collector was
+beckoning to him.  He was so surprised that he had not enough breath to
+thank me, but he was kind enough to go away.  When he thought I was not
+looking I saw him tapping his forehead and grinning like that
+abominable waiter in the Union.  After two or three minutes of peace
+the ticket-collector thought he might as well try his luck with us, and
+began to stroll casually in our direction, but just as he was going to
+begin a conversation I seized Fred by the arm, and having fled to the
+end of the platform, we sat down on a luggage-barrow.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should have hit that man," I said, "I can't stand any more," and
+then I told him what I had been through since I had left him.  "It
+isn't half as comic as you seem to think," I finished up, "every
+blessed man I know in the 'Varsity will talk to me about it.  Nina can
+swim as well as you can, and I shall tell her what I think of her."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't get into another rage," Fred replied; "I shouldn't say anything
+nasty to her if I were you, she didn't fall into the Cher on purpose.
+What is that huge great bundle of papers you are hugging?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They are for Mrs. Faulkner to read on the way down, to show that I
+don't bear her any malice.  I wish I had never seen her."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred took the bundle, and as he looked through the papers he gave way
+to such unrighteous laughter that the barrow tipped up, and he, I, and
+all the papers were scattered about the platform.  I hurt myself and
+told him so rudely, but he laughed at nothing that afternoon, and as
+soon as he had picked up the papers he went back to the barrow and
+proceeded to chuckle to himself until I had to ask whether he had gone
+mad.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"For Mrs. Faulkner," he said, and really he was enough to annoy any one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why shouldn't I give her what I like?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"She won't thank you for this lot," he answered.  "<I>Cricket, The
+Sportsman, The Sporting Life, The Pink 'Un, A Life of W. G. Grace, The
+Topical Times, Pick-me-up, The Pelican</I>,&mdash;by Jove she will have
+something to tell your people when she gets home."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's that boy at the bookstall," I said, "let's go and change some of
+them, though I believe you have only picked out the ones which Mrs
+Faulkner wouldn't read.  I let the boy choose what he liked."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We made the bundle look as respectable as we could, and started down
+the platform, but before we got to the bookstall we saw Mrs. Faulkner,
+Nina and Jack Ward.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, here you are at last," Nina said, "if it hadn't been for Mr. Ward
+I don't know what we should have done with our luggage."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If it hadn't been for Mr. Ward we should not only have lost our
+luggage but yourself, my dear," Mrs. Faulkner exclaimed, and she put
+her hand on Nina's arm.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sure we are horribly obliged to you, Jack," I said, for I had to
+say something.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hope you won't catch cold," Fred said to Nina.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Thanks, I think I shall be all right now," she answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is the terrible nervous shock which may be disastrous," Mrs.
+Faulkner remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Won't you have some tea?" I asked, and it seemed to me that I was
+always asking Mrs. Faulkner to have tea when I didn't know what to do
+with her.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We should miss the train, it goes in twelve minutes," she replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We stood on the platform for an interminable time trying to talk, but
+neither Mrs. Faulkner nor Nina seemed to take any interest in Fred and
+me, and I must say that Jack looked terribly uncomfortable at all the
+things which were said to him.  Just before the train was due, however,
+Nina took my arm and drew me away from the others, and I hoped that she
+was going to tell me something pleasant, but her first words banished
+that idea.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I want you to ask Mr. Ward to stay with us in July," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall do nothing of the kind," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He jumped into the river to save me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You can swim all right."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But he didn't know that."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Mrs. Faulkner makes me ill.  I think you might stop her making such a
+fuss; she has made Jack feel uncomfortable, and Fred never says a word.
+I think you are treating Fred jolly badly," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose he will be down in July," she replied, rather disagreeably.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course he will."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you won't ask Mr. Ward?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"For goodness' sake, Nina, don't be stupid," I answered, "and let me
+ask what friends I like."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall get mother to ask him if you don't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Before I had time to reply the train came into the station, and Fred,
+Jack and I had to work hard to get a compartment to suit Mrs. Faulkner.
+It took some time to get her properly settled, and after she had
+thanked Jack once more and wished us all good-bye, Nina came to the
+carriage-window and said that I was not to forget what she told me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Are those papers for us?" she called out as the train started.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I took off my hat and pretended not to hear, for I had completely
+forgotten to change them, but before I could stop him Jack had taken
+the bundle out of my hand, and by means of running much faster than I
+thought possible he got the whole lot into the carriage.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I felt such a fool on that platform that I never remembered anything,"
+he said, when he came back.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wish you had forgotten how to run," I replied, and when Fred told
+him why I had kept my bundle to myself we managed to talk about the way
+Mrs. Faulkner would criticize my taste until we separated.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap16"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XVI
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+My life for several days after Nina went away was just what I expected
+it would be.  Everybody I knew wanted to be told about the accident,
+and congratulated me on her narrow escape.  I was gloriously rude to
+several men, but nothing I could do was really any good.  The first man
+at whom I let myself go was Dennison, and in this I made a very great
+mistake, because in letting him know that I was sick of the whole
+business I gave him a chance which he did not miss.  He went round
+finding men who had not seen me, and persuaded them to come to me and
+say how sorry they had been to hear of the accident, and how glad they
+were that Jack Ward had saved Nina, and a lot of other desperate
+twaddle.  Finally, Dennison having worked this joke most diligently,
+decided that a dinner must be given in Jack's honour, and when he met
+me in the quad on Sunday and told me about it I refused flatly to go.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course you will come," he said, "it would be a disgrace to the
+college if we didn't do something to celebrate Ward's pluck and your
+sister's escape."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It is a disgrace to the college to make a wretched fuss about
+nothing," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are the only man who thinks that.  Next Thursday night, half-past
+seven, at the Sceptre," he said, and walked off.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Ward and I had been avoiding each other ever since the Wednesday night,
+when he having first of all been to Brasenose because they were Head of
+the River and lively, came to see me afterwards and talked very
+stupidly.  I was in bed, and he woke me up to talk to me for over
+half-an-hour about love.  Any one would have been angry, and though I
+tried to be polite, because he had jumped into the Cher, I told him to
+go away several times before he went.  I had never thought it possible
+that I could have so much trouble about Nina.  I suppose he knew that
+he had made an idiot of himself that evening, for if there is any time
+when it is decent to wake a man up and talk to him about wonderful
+subjects, I am sure it can never be after a huge celebration at
+Brasenose.  I didn't know much about love, but I thought that there
+must be the wrong and the right kind, and that Jack had made a bad
+start.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So we kept out of each other's way as much as possible, and I did not
+know that he hated the idea of this dinner even more than I did.  We
+might together have done something to stop it, but we had no chance
+unless we combined.  I thought Jack wanted to be fêted, and in
+consequence I felt absolutely savage with him, while he told me
+afterwards that he was simply dragged into the thing by Dennison.
+However, I am not altogether sorry that the dinner took place, for
+though neither Jack nor I were anything like wily enough to score off
+Dennison, we got some rare fun out of him before that evening finished.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Collier, Lambert and Learoyd all came to tell me that I must go to the
+dinner before I could be persuaded to have anything to do with it, and
+it was really comical to hear why each of them was so keen on the
+affair.  Collier gloried openly in the fact that it would be a huge
+feed, and said he was glad Dennison had engaged Rodoski to play the
+fiddle because music gave him a better appetite, and he advised me
+strongly not to miss such a good chance of enjoying myself, and thought
+me mad to hesitate.  Lambert said that Dennison had asked him to
+propose Ward's health, and that he hoped his speech&mdash;though quite
+unprepared&mdash;would not be unworthy of the evening.  "The dinner itself
+will be nothing, just like any other kind of dinner, but don't you miss
+it," he concluded, and I felt sure that he had already got his speech
+in his pocket.  Learoyd begged me not to stay away from a jolly good
+rag.  "If we can't row, we can rag," he said, and when I told him that
+I was sick to death of ragging, he took such a serious view of my case
+that I promised that I would go so that I could get rid of him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There were about fourteen men at the dinner-party, including Ward,
+Dennison, Lambert, Learoyd, Collier, Webb, and Bunny Langham, and since
+Dennison had taken a free hand in arranging everything, it was a
+tremendous affair.  I never doubted that his idea was to make Ward and
+me look as foolish as possible, for he was the kind of man who was
+never really contented unless he was trying to make some one feel
+uncomfortable.  The whole thing, I knew, was an elaborate joke at our
+expense, but I was not going to starve because Nina had fallen into the
+"Cher" and Jack had pulled her out, so I set to work to enjoy myself,
+though I had to sit next to Dennison.  In fact, having once got to the
+Sceptre, I think I made more row than any one at dinner, and this must
+have disappointed Dennison, who started by saying those half sweet and
+half bitter things to me, which I never know how to answer, but which
+make me long to put the man who says them under the table.  So I talked
+and shouted loud enough to drown Dennison's remarks, for it would never
+have done to put him out of sight during the dinner.  I suppose that
+being unable to get any fun out of me, and having Collier, who did not
+like to speak much at meals, on the other side of him, he must have
+found some fresh amusement, for he became very quiet as the evening
+went on, and there was only one thing which ever made him silent and
+that was the kind of thing which makes most people talk.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He was, however, capable of asking Lambert to propose the toast of the
+evening, but nothing would make Lambert stir before some one had
+proposed the royal toasts, which Dennison had forgotten; and three or
+four men who did not want any one to talk except themselves shouted,
+"No speeches," until Bunny Langham got up and surprised every one by
+making them laugh.  He did not stick to his subject very much, but he
+managed to make everything he said ramble round in an odd sort of way
+to an apology for Dennison's forgetfulness, and if only he had been
+sitting on the other side of me I should not have been compelled to
+shout during the whole of dinner, for I believe he would have been able
+to help me in answering the gibing remarks which had been made to me.
+Dennison smiled across the table at Langham, but his smile looked as if
+it had been glued on to his face, and if I had been in his place I
+should have thrown something solid, like a pine-apple, at Bunny.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My penance, however, was to come, and when Lambert at last got up to
+finish off the business of making fools of Jack Ward and me, I thought
+of pretending that my nose had begun to bleed and of hurrying out of
+the room, only it seemed to be rather a weak thing to do.  So I just
+sat there and imagined that everybody was looking at me, which made me
+feel most uncomfortably hot.  Lambert admitted afterwards that he was
+in his very best form that evening, and I think he must have been, for
+I never heard anybody talk such a lot of nonsense in all my life.  I
+looked at Jack Ward once, and he was evidently having a very bad time,
+but every one else except Collier, who was sleepy, seemed to think that
+Lambert was amusing.  He referred to Jack in a patronizing way as "our
+young hero," and said that my mind had been so completely upset by this
+brave deed that for some days I had been a cause of considerable
+anxiety to my friends.  When he made that remark I took a very ripe
+pear from a dish in front of me, but Learoyd persuaded me not to throw
+it.  I couldn't have missed Lambert, and I think he deserved to be
+mobbed, but he saw what was happening and I think it made him forget
+some of the things he was going to say about me.  At the end of his
+speech he actually began to recite a piece of poetry of his own, though
+the first line was about the brave deserving the fair and sounded like
+somebody else's, which was a way his poems had.  He had arranged for
+slow music to be turned on while he did this, and there was such a
+general feeling against the combination that he had to sit down before
+he had finished.  Bunny Langham, who was a member of the Horace Club,
+and disliked any poems made in Oxford except those which he wrote
+himself, led the hubbub, and after we had drunk Jack's health there was
+such a noise that he escaped having to reply.  When any one shouted for
+him, as they did fitfully for some time, their voices were always
+drowned in the general cheerfulness of the evening, and he finally came
+round from the other side of the table and sat down by me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have been making a most awful row," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Self-defence," I answered, "I didn't want to hear anything which
+Dennison said."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A most rotten evening, the proggins will come in a few minutes if he
+is within shouting distance.  They have been trying to get us out for
+the last quarter of an hour."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Several men seem to have gone already."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We talked for some minutes, and then a waiter came in and said the
+proctor was coming down "The High," so we all bolted as hard as we
+could.  Instead of turning down the Turl, I saw Dennison run down the
+High, with Lambert pursuing him and telling him to stop.  But Dennison
+had been careful during the last part of the evening, and had arrived
+at the state when any one shouting at him made him run all the faster,
+while Lambert, excited by oratory and the after-effects of it, declared
+very loudly that he would catch Dennison if he had to run a mile.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison thinks that the proggins and all his bulldogs are after him,"
+Bunny Langham said; "the whole thing was only a trick to get us out
+before anything happened."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They can catch me if they like," Ward replied, "I can't run to-night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So the three of us walked back to St. Cuthbert's, and Bunny complained
+bitterly that he could not come in and wait until Lambert and Dennison
+turned up.  The first man to come into college after us was Collier,
+who said he had been dodging round the Radcliffe for a quarter of an
+hour, and soon afterwards Learoyd and Webb strolled in and pretended
+that they had been sitting under the table in the Sceptre, but they
+looked exceedingly warm.  We all went to Ward's rooms, which were a
+kind of club for any men he knew and very often used when he was not
+even in them, to wait for Dennison and Lambert; but we had to stay
+until nearly twelve o'clock before either of them came, and then there
+was a tremendous thumping on the door, and Dennison, in a most
+exhausted condition, tottered in and nearly collapsed in the porter's
+arms.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It was some time before he had breath enough to walk across to Ward's
+rooms, but when we had got him settled in an arm-chair he began to feel
+better.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At any rate I did the brute," he said, "that bulldog will remember me
+for the rest of his life."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I should have given the whole thing away by laughing if I had said
+anything, and I moved to the window so that I could put my head outside
+if I really had to laugh, while Collier, who had been scored off by
+Dennison very often, began to ask him questions.  He had not to ask
+many, because when Dennison once began to talk, he told us everything
+without needing much encouragement.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That big bull-dog has had his eye on me for ages," he said, "ever
+since I dodged him one night last term in the Corn, and I know that he
+has been saying that he would catch me some day."  He stopped for a
+minute, being still rather breathless, and Collier asked him where he
+had been.  "Directly I went out of the Sceptre he started off after me,
+and I made up my mind I would give him the deuce of a time before I had
+done with him, so I ran like blazes down the High, and when I turned
+round by Magdalen to see if he was coming I saw the brute in the
+distance.  So off I went again, and when we got to the running-ground I
+heard him panting and swearing and shouting a hundred yards away.  I
+let him get a bit closer and then went on towards Iffley; but I got a
+most horrible stitch, so I went as hard as I could for a bit, and then
+climbed over a gate and sat down under a hedge.  I waited until he had
+gone past, and then came back to college.  It is the easiest thing in
+the world to score off a bull-dog, they are simply the stupidest men in
+the world."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He must have got a long way past Iffley by now," Collier said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't care where he is, but I shall have to look out that he doesn't
+get level with me," Dennison replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will always have to wear a cap and gown now," Learoyd remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But Dennison took no notice of this advice.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Where's Lambert?" he asked; "everybody else seems to be here except
+him and that fool, Bunny Langham."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We don't know, he has not come in yet," Collier answered, and at that
+moment there was a rap at the door, and as soon as Lambert got into the
+porch I put my head out of the window and told him to come up to Ward's
+rooms.  As he walked across the quad I saw that he had been having a
+rough time of it, for his clothes did not look as immaculate as usual.
+He was carrying an overcoat over his arm, and his shirt and collar had
+given way so badly that the first thing he did when he got into the
+room was to go to a looking-glass, and see how he could improve the
+appearance of things.  A lot of men asked him where he had been, but he
+had forgotten that any of us had seen him start after Dennison, and he
+answered that he had just been for a stroll.  "I like to have a walk by
+myself after a noise," he added; "the heat of that room made me feel
+absolutely ill."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Then Ward could not restrain himself any longer, and told Dennison that
+we all knew Lambert had been running after him, and that there had been
+no proctor and bull-dogs in the High.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Coming suddenly out of a hot room into the open air always affects
+me," Lambert said.  "I made up my mind I would catch Dennison if I ran
+until my legs gave way."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's all a silly lie," Dennison exclaimed; "I was chased by the big
+bull-dog; I should have seen that shirt, which was white when you
+started."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had on an overcoat," was Lambert's reply.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you go to Iffley?" Collier asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Iffley?  Good heavens, no, I never went any further than Magdalen
+Bridge."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was such a shout of laughter that I believe I should have thought
+anybody else except Dennison had been rotted enough.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then I <I>was</I> chased by a bull-dog!" he said emphatically.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You weren't chased by any one after I stopped, for I sat on the bridge
+for quite ten minutes, and then I thought I would come home by Long
+Wall Street, the High being rather exposed at night.  I made an
+unfortunate choice."  He shot his cuffs down, but they were terribly
+limp, and he looked at them with disgust.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What happened?" Ward asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I met the proggins, and having got my wind I charged right past him.
+Then I ran round by the Racquet Courts, and finally hid in a garden by
+Keble.  I ought not to have done that, because the bull-dogs know me,
+and I found them waiting outside when I came in.  It is all your fault
+for running away when I told you to stop," he said to Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I expect you were hiding in the garden at the same time Dennison was
+hiding from you behind a hedge in the Iffley Road," Collier said, and
+the idea pleased Lambert so much that he took off his tie and went to
+the looking-glass again.  But he soon made up his mind that no tie,
+however beautifully tied, had a chance with a collar which looked like
+a piece of moderately white blotting-paper, so he stalked out of the
+room without wishing any one good-night, though he did wave his tie in
+Jack Ward's direction as he went, and since it was very late I followed
+him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+During the rest of the term I hardly saw anything of Fred, as he was
+playing cricket for the 'Varsity, and whenever I tried to see him I
+nearly always failed.  I did not try much, for I did not see why he
+wanted to avoid me, and I thought he was treating me very badly.
+Besides, my people were bothering me a lot during the last few days of
+the term, and I didn't see any use in telling Fred that my mother
+wanted Jack Ward to come down to Worcestershire during the summer.  As
+a matter-of-fact I was in an awkward position, for my mother had
+written to Jack Ward to thank him for pulling Nina out of the "Cher,"
+and to say that she would be very glad if he could come down sometime
+to stay with us.  But I thought Jack Ward would not come unless I asked
+him myself, and that rotten jumble he talked about love on my bed, and
+a sort of feeling that Fred would not like him to come kept me from
+saying anything to him.  Jack only told me that my mother had written
+to him, and I heard from her that she had asked him to stay, so I had
+some time to think of what I had better do, and the more I thought the
+more bothered I became.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had one idea which pleased me for a quarter of an hour; it was that
+Jack should come while Nina was away, but as soon as I thought of the
+temper Nina would be in when she found out this little plan I abandoned
+it quickly.  Another idea, which did not please me for so long, was
+that I should tell Jack that my people simply hated any one who
+flirted, but that seemed both to be taking a good deal for granted and
+to be rather hard on Nina; besides, it reminded me unpleasantly of
+those advertisements for servants which end up, "No followers allowed,"
+and which, I should think, are a great waste of money.  In addition to
+this bother which I manufactured more or less for myself, I had another
+trouble which did not worry so much because I understood it better.
+Mrs. Faulkner had told my mother, quite privately, that I was in her
+opinion doing very little work at Oxford, and my mother was not as
+disturbed at this as her informant thought she ought to have been.  At
+least I suppose that must have been the reason why Mrs. Faulkner told
+my father the same tale, and even took the trouble to show him some of
+the papers which were in that wretched parcel.  I could not expect him
+to approve of all those papers, and I did not dare to tell him that I
+had not chosen them myself, because he would then have accused me of
+laziness and extravagance and a whole host of unpleasant things, so I
+accepted his rebukes with a contrite spirit and wrote and told him,
+quite truthfully, that I read very serious papers nearly every week.
+But when you have been fairly caught buying a host of sporting and
+theatrical literature, it isn't much good trying to persuade your
+father that it was a fluke.  I sent him <I>The Spectator</I> soon
+afterwards, but he never acknowledged it, and my mother in her next
+letter drew my attention to the fact that he had subscribed to this
+review for the last seven years.  My luck was very bad just then, I
+seemed unable to do anything right.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was only one thing which cheered me up, and it was that Owen had
+got over the worst part of his illness.  But I could not even think of
+this without being bothered, for when a man is ill you don't mind
+promising to do anything, and it is only when he is getting better that
+you begin to realize how much you have promised.  It was certain that I
+must pay the expenses of his illness, and it was equally certain that I
+should not have enough money to pay my college bills as well; the whole
+thing made me very pensive.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Murray was in my rooms one night just before the end of the term, and I
+was talking over my difficulties, for he was always hard-up himself and
+not likely to offer to lend me anything, when a note was brought in
+from Fred, and the first thing which fell out of the envelope was a
+cheque for fifty pounds.  I did not know what to think of that, but the
+note upset me altogether.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dear Godfrey," Fred wrote, "you told me some time ago that you were
+hard up, so I am sending you a cheque in case you want it.  My people
+have just sent me more money than I shall use this year, and you can
+pay me back when you like.  I am afraid I shan't be able to come down
+to you after the 'Varsity match, as I have promised to go with a
+reading party to Cornwall for two months.  I believe the only thing to
+do down there is to play golf, which isn't much fun, but Henderson is
+coming, and we shall try to get some cricket.  Please remember me to
+your people.  Yours ever, F. F.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"P.S. I suppose you won't come down to Cornwall; the men are all right,
+five of them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Now Fred had spent nearly all his school-holidays with me, and since we
+had been at Oxford he had been down for both vacs, so for him to write
+and say calmly that he had made arrangements to go on a wretched
+reading party and then to ask me in a postscript to join it, made me
+want to go to Oriel at once and speak to him.  But, fortunately, it was
+nearly eleven o'clock and I could not get out of college, so as Murray
+had gone back to his room I went along the passage to work off some of
+my agitation on him.  Murray, however, was one of those annoying men
+who know exactly when they have had enough of anybody, and I found his
+oak sported.  I beat upon it for some time without any result, and
+having told Murray my opinion of him in a voice loud enough to
+penetrate almost anything, I went back to my own rooms and sat down to
+write to Fred.  In the course of an hour I wrote and tore up several
+letters.  Some of them I intended to be dignified, some of them were
+abusive; in some I kept the cheque, but in most of them I sent it back;
+in one I enclosed it with the words, "you will find the cheque you were
+good enough to offer me;" that was the first I wrote, for I was quite
+incapable of even thanking him until the labours of the imposition
+which I had set myself began to tell upon me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had just torn up the seventh letter, and after a desperate struggle
+whether I should begin the eighth "Dear Fred" or "Dear Foster" had
+compromised matters by writing "Dear F. F.," when Jade Ward began to
+yell my name down in the quad, and I went to the window at once and
+told him to shut up.  For the Warden's house was in the back quad, and
+although I was pleased to think the Warden my friend I knew he always
+slept with his window open, because he had told me so in a very great
+outburst of confidence, and I did not want my wretched name to break in
+upon his night's rest.  I had not got so many dons on my side that I
+could afford to make the Warden angry; besides, I really liked him, and
+he was always nice to me, though he did tell the Bishop in the Easter
+vac that, until I lost a certain exuberance of animal spirits, any
+credit I did to the college would be more physical than intellectual.
+But I did not bear him any grudge for that, because he could not help
+using long phrases, and if he had just said that I liked athletics I
+should have been rather pleased, which was what he really meant, only
+the Bishop did not think so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I shoved the fragments of my letters into a drawer, and when Jack Ward
+came in I said I was going to bed.  The sight of him reminded me of
+Nina, and to think of Nina gave me a headache.  I had never imagined it
+possible that I should find it difficult to manage her, and here she
+was at the bottom of all my troubles.  As I stood in my room and looked
+at Jack sitting in my most comfortable chair, the reason why Fred had
+written that note suddenly occurred to me.  Of course she was the
+reason, and leaving Jack to amuse himself I sat down and wrote another
+note; but when I read it through it seemed as hopeless as the others,
+so I tore it up, and having no more note-paper I decided to see Fred in
+the morning.  Then I went into my bedroom and began to undress noisily,
+so that Jack might know what I was doing, but he gave a huge snore just
+as I was ready to go to bed and I had to throw a cushion at his head.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Turn the lamp out, when you go," I said, and I got into bed.  I left
+the door partly open, because my room wanted all the air it could get,
+and I heard him waking up slowly and stretching himself.  After that he
+attacked a soda-water syphon until it gave a protesting gurgle.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've found the whisky, but you don't seem to have any soda," he called
+to me, but I pretended that I was asleep.  However, he ransacked my
+cupboard until he found another syphon, and then he came and sat on my
+bed.  I told him I was very tired, because I had not forgotten the last
+time he had invaded me in this way, and two doses of talking about love
+would be a trial to any man.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wanted to talk to you, only you were so busy, and then I went to
+sleep," he began.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, cut it short, it must be nearly one o'clock."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Your people have asked me to stay with them in the vac, and I want to
+know what time would suit you best."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He had cut it far too short to suit me, and I asked him not to sit on
+my foot, which he was not sitting upon, so that I could think for a
+moment.  Then I turned my face to the wall.  But I brought myself round
+pretty quickly, and felt very displeased with Jack.  Things were much
+worse than I thought they were, if he could throw away all decency and
+simply insist on coming.  Had I wanted him I should have asked him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had a letter from Mrs. Marten this morning, asking me to settle the
+time with you," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Any time will suit me," I answered, "except that I may go away with a
+reading party, and I am afraid you will find it most awfully slow."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't find it slow," he asserted with conviction.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There's nothing much to do except loll about," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That will suit me down to the ground," he said, and I turned over once
+more.  It isn't much good talking to a man who confesses that he likes
+lolling about; but I thought I would make things out as bad as possible.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We do nothing but slack down there," I said; "there's not much
+cricket, and we only keep one fat cob, which is a sort of
+horse-of-all-work."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Got a river?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A sort of glorified brook."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And a boat?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had to say that we had a boat, but I explained that it was very old.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's all right," he said most cheerfully, and I believe he would
+have been pleased if I had told him that we lived in a barn with
+several holes in the roof.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He was beginning to think it was time for him to go to bed, when I
+heard somebody else blunder into my sitter, and in a moment Lambert
+appeared at the door.  Now Lambert, who was only gorgeous by day,
+frequently became aggressive at night, and I told him to clear out
+jolly quickly.  But instead of doing what he was wanted to he lit a
+huge cigar, and began smoking the thing in my bedder.  He also made a
+number of stupid remarks about my personal appearance, and though I
+hate getting out of bed when once I am comfortable I really could not
+put up with the man, for he compared me to several people, ancient and
+modern, who suffered from various defects.  Jack Ward told him several
+forcible things, but he went on insulting me, and then cackled as if he
+had made a joke.  So at last I hopped out of bed, and he, escaping from
+my bedder, continued to cackle in the next room; I just stopped to put
+on a pair of shoes, and then I went after him; he ran down the dark
+staircase as hard as he could, and I, anxious to give him one kick, for
+the sake of honour, pursued him.  Both of us got safely to the bottom
+of the stairs, and I fairly raced him across the back quad, but just as
+we were going into the front one Lambert stopped suddenly and doubled
+back, while I was running so furiously that I did not turn quickly
+enough, and before I could follow him I saw another man standing in
+front of me with a little straggly beard and great big spectacles.  We
+looked at each other, and then I gave up thinking about Lambert and
+walked back to my rooms; there was a horrid wind, and I shivered in my
+pyjamas as I went back to my staircase.  Lambert seemed to have
+disappeared altogether, but I met Jack striking matches and groping his
+way down.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you catch him?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Just like my luck," I answered.  "I met the Subby."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's he doing at this time of night?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's what he will ask me to-morrow if he recognized me.  There
+wasn't much light."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He ought to have been in bed."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't believe dons ever go to bed," I replied.  "Give me a match, so
+that I can get up without breaking my neck."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The next morning Lambert came round while I was at breakfast.  He was
+full of apologies and hopes that the Subby had not recognized me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He told me that he sleeps so badly, that he often gets up in the
+middle of the night and takes a walk," he said, without the slightest
+regard for truth.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then there is no reason why I shouldn't take a run if I like," I
+replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But you were shouting," he said, as if he wished I had not been.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm a somnambulist, only I somnambulate faster than most people."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm afraid that won't wash," he said, and he started striding up and
+down my room until he found he was always coming to a wall, and then he
+stopped in front of the looking-glass, and stared earnestly at himself.
+"Can't we think of anything better than that?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Doesn't your own face help you?" I asked, and he turned round slowly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"One of my front teeth has got a chip off it," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"By Jove!" I answered, for Lambert both the last thing at night and the
+first thing in the morning, was too much for me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But about the Subby?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He hasn't sent for me yet.  Just poke your head out of the door and
+yell for Clarkson; yell, don't think you are singing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He did yell, and I had breakfast cleared away.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am afraid he must have seen you if you saw him," he went on, and the
+bulk of the man seemed to cover up all my mantelpiece.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Get out of the light, I want some matches," I said.  "Perhaps he saw
+you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, I caught a glimpse of his beard coming round the corner."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wish men wouldn't come and talk rot to me in the middle of the
+night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have apologized for that; of course I shall tell the Subby it was my
+fault."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are a big enough fool to do anything," I retorted, but he only
+smiled at me, and after helping himself to a cigarette he went away.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+About half-past ten I got a wretched notice from the Subby to say he
+wished to see me at one o'clock, and I decided to stay in my rooms to
+work, and not to go round to Oriel until the afternoon.  My work
+however, was sadly interrupted, for as soon as I had really settled
+down, and I settle down slowly, Dennison came in to condole with me
+about my bad luck, but when I told him that I had got to go to the
+Subby I caught him grinning, which exasperated me.  So he soon
+disappeared, and then Jack Ward came, and after he had gone I went and
+had a talk with Murray.  I have never known a morning go so quickly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had scarcely looked at the Subby's notice when I got it, for I only
+read the time I was to go to him, and then shoved the card into my
+pocket; but at one o'clock I went off to see him, wondering how I could
+explain matters best.  On my way across the front quad I met Lambert
+and Dennison lounging about arm-in-arm; they wished me luck, and I told
+them to go to blazes.  I simply hate men who can't stand without
+propping themselves up, the one against the other.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I knocked at the Subby's door without having made up my mind why I had
+been running about in pyjamas at one o'clock in the morning; the
+somnambulist tale did all right to annoy Lambert, but I was not such an
+idiot as to try it on a don.  I had to knock twice before he told me to
+come in, and when he saw me he only said "good-morning."  So I said
+"good-morning" and waited.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What is it?" he asked, when he discovered that I did not want to go to
+some impossible place because my teeth ached, or my great-aunt wanted
+me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You sent for me," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No," and he shook his head until a lock of hair fell over his forehead.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At one o'clock."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I didn't send for you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have the notice in my pocket," and I took it out and looked at it.
+Then I saw that some one had been scratching at the top of the card,
+but they had done it very neatly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Some one has been having a joke with you," he said, and he smiled as
+if he thought it a better joke than I did.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They will be watching for me to come out," I said, and I took my
+courage in my two hands.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose they will," he answered, "but I don't want to know their
+names."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I didn't mean that," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What did you mean?" he asked, and I thought he was behaving splendidly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wish you would ask me to lunch if you aren't engaged," I said, "and
+then they will have to wait for longer than they bargained."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course," he answered, "they certainly deserve to wait."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I enjoyed that meal very much, the Subby only wanted knowing a little
+and then he became quite a good sort, and I think he was amused at a
+fresher calmly asking himself to luncheon with him, but it ought to
+have shown that I had a certain amount of confidence in him, for even I
+could not have asked myself to a meal with Mr. Edwardes.  I doubt,
+however, if he ever thought of it in that light, for he had been Subby
+for five rather troubled years, and had so much to do with dealing with
+men who did things they ought not to have done, that he could have had
+no time to wonder why they did them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We began by condemning practical jokes, which was very tactful of him;
+he said that he knew only one good practical joke, and that was played
+upon himself, but he would not tell me what it was though I promised
+that I would never try it on anybody.  Then we talked about all sorts
+of things, until I had been with him nearly an hour, and the
+conversation was inclined to droop.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you sleep very badly?" I asked, because I had heard several dodges
+for getting rid of insomnia, and I should like to have done something
+for him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He blinked at me for an instant, and I think he was wondering what I
+was driving at, for I suppose it would not do for a Subby to sleep too
+soundly.  "I am thankful to say I have never been troubled with
+sleeplessness," he said, and he looked rather drowsy at that moment.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Some men do tell the most awful lies," I meant to say to myself, but
+somehow or other I said it much louder than I intended.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But he took no notice, and after thanking him very much I left him,
+feeling that I had another ally; but it is never prudent to reckon upon
+a man who has to look after the conduct of the college, he gets worried
+and then does not understand things quite right.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Lambert's head was poking out of Learoyd's window as I went back
+through the front quad, and thinking that I might as well get this
+thing finished off at once, I ran up-stairs and found Dennison and him
+in possession of Learoyd's rooms.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Much of a row?" Dennison said, with a kind of sickly sarcastic smile
+which meant that he had scored off me pretty badly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Row?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Was the Subby furious?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have been lunching with him," I answered; "I hope your lunch was not
+spoilt by waiting for me to come out."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+They did not know what to say to this, so Dennison went on smiling and
+Lambert stroked his upper lip with one finger.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You were nicely scored off," Dennison said at last.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had a jolly good lunch," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison doesn't make a bad Subby, and I imitate his writing pretty
+well," Lambert said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Subby himself must decide that, when he finds out who was ass
+enough to buy a beard like his."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+This reduced them to silence again, until Lambert said that he did not
+see how anybody could find out.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Subby is much more wide-awake than you think.  I wouldn't care to
+be in Dennison's place, he has just done the one thing which dons can't
+stand.  However, the Subby is a rare good sort, and I shouldn't wonder
+if he let the thing drop, especially as it is the end of term," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You looked fairly sick this morning," Dennison remarked, but he was
+more vicious and less smiling than he had been at the beginning.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You took me in all right," I acknowledged, "and I hope you won't hear
+any more about it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What did you tell the Subby?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not much," and if he was fool enough to think that there was any
+chance of the Subby trying to find out anything, I thought I had better
+leave him to his doubts, so I went round to my rooms, and having got a
+straw-hat, I started off to see Fred; and fortunately I found him at
+Oriel trying to make his cricket-bag hold more things than it was meant
+to hold.  He did not look particularly pleased to see me, but I have
+never yet met a man who can pack and be in a good temper at the same
+time.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Where are you off to?" I asked, for there were still some days before
+the end of the term.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am going to Brighton to-night with Henderson."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How did you manage to get leave?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We have both been seedy, and Rushden wanted us to go before we play
+Surrey again.  In my last three innings I've made seven runs, and I
+should think Rushden begins to wish he had never given me my blue.  I
+don't feel as if I should ever make another run."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Your dons must be good sorts," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They're all right," he answered, and he sat down in a chair by the
+window and looked so unlike himself that I knelt down on the floor and
+took everything out of the bag.  Then I packed my best, which must have
+been worse than anybody else's except Fred's, and when I had finished,
+though the bag still bulged and was not a thing to be proud of, it did
+not bulge so very badly; at any rate Fred said it would do, but when I
+looked at him again I forgot entirely that I had intended to be angry
+with him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's the matter?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nothing to speak of.  I've had a cold and a headache, and just rotten
+little things like that.  Brighton will cure me," but he didn't speak
+as if he cared whether it did or not.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You've got to come to us directly that reading party is over or I
+won't have this cheque, and if I don't take the cheque I shall be in an
+awful hole," I said, for I can't lead up to things.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I would very much rather not come," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, I don't know," he said, and then he got up and gave the bag a kick
+which, landing on a bat, hurt his toe.  "You're the best fellow in the
+world, Godfrey, but you don't understand."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is something odd the matter with you, or you wouldn't say that.
+We don't say things like that to each other."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Won't you come down to Cornwall?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, I won't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Is Ward going to stay with you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My people have asked him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And is he going?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He seems to think he is.  I told him the boat was rotten and the cob
+fat, and that there was nothing on earth to do," I added most stupidly,
+but I had no idea then that any one could really be troubled by things
+which had never affected me in the least.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And he is going all the same," Fred said, and he did not look a bit
+more cheerful.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So I sat forward in my chair and talked to him.  It does not matter
+what I said, but I kept clear of Nina, and told him my people would be
+desperately sick with him, which made him uncomfortable, because he and
+my mother liked each other very much.  I also told him that he was
+treating me badly; but I soon had to drop that, because he did not seem
+to think that it would make any difference how he behaved to me.
+However, I stirred him up, and if ever a man wanted stirring up he did;
+so at last he promised that he would come to us in September and stay
+until the end of the vac, if he was wanted.  I told him that if no one
+else wanted him I always should; but this remark did not appear to
+cheer him up at all, and I began to think he must be bilious.  I know
+that whenever I had a cold at one of my private schools, the wife of
+the head-master always said it came from eating too much.  But she was
+a curious woman with a large imagination, and when I wouldn't eat
+boiled rice and rhubarb-jam she told me that it was rice that made the
+niggers such fine men; this, however, did not have the effect upon me
+which she desired, for I was only eight years old, and had got an idea
+that if I agreed to eat rice I should become black.  That lady has made
+me think ever since that from whatever cause an illness comes it is
+never from over-eating.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So I soon rejected the theory of Fred being bilious, though any reason
+for his unfitness except Nina would have been welcome.  After a few
+minutes spent in the unsatisfactory pursuit of finding out that my
+batting average for St. Cuthbert's was 2.4, which I discovered not for
+my own gratification but to please Fred, Henderson came in, looking
+more freckled than ever and not in the least ill.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have got to come to Cornwall with us, hasn't he?" he said at once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The brute won't come," Fred said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will have to; you know all the men, and they all want you to come.
+We will have a rare good time&mdash;only Fred and Hawkins have to work hard,
+the rest of us are not going to do much."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have to work all the vac," I said sorrowfully, and Fred, who had
+smiled at my average, began to laugh once more, and he really seemed to
+be much more cheerful when I saw him and Henderson off at the station,
+than he had been earlier in the afternoon.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The last few days of the term were terribly dull, because some of us
+had to do collections, and my papers did not altogether please Mr.
+Edwardes.  I promised again that I would do a lot of work in the vac;
+but Jack Ward arranged that he would come down and stay with us
+directly after the 'Varsity match was over, and I could not be expected
+to allow him to loll in a boat and play the fool without restraint.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had not been at home in June for years, and June is the month in
+which to see my mother's garden.  Everything went swimmingly for a day
+or two; Fred made a lot of runs against Sussex, and Henderson&mdash;whose
+blue was very uncertain&mdash;made seventy-six.  I was enormously pleased,
+and suggested at dinner that we should all go up to town to see Fred
+play in the 'Varsity match.  My father and mother were rather delighted
+with the idea, and said they would go if Nina cared to come with us.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's the middle of the season," I said promptly, for I suppose I was
+getting artful.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I would rather not go," Nina said decidedly, "but do take Godfrey up
+with you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't leave you here by yourself," my mother answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's a pity Miss Read has gone," I put in, and Nina looked very
+savagely across the table at me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You had better go up by yourself," my father said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't you want to see Fred playing in his first 'Varsity match&mdash;you
+came up in December to see me play?" I asked Nina.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But she simply went on eating her fish as if I had not spoken, and I
+wished again that Miss Read had not left us.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap17"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XVII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+There is not much room for a feud in a small family, and, thank
+goodness, I did not belong to a large one.  Collier had five brothers
+and four sisters, some of whom were never on speaking terms with the
+others except at Christmas or a birthday when, from habit, they
+declared a truce.  "The truce is no good," Collier said to me when he
+told me about it, "because the only thing which happens is that they
+change sides.  I believe they pick up."  "What happens to you?" I
+asked.  "Oh, I'm neutral, a sort of referee, and have a worse time than
+anybody," he replied, and I was glad that fate had not decreed that I
+should be born into the Collier family.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I am sure that had I been able to find any one else to talk to, I
+should have left Nina alone after she had refused to go to the 'Varsity
+match.  It would have been a great effort, but I thought that Nina was
+going out of her way to be particularly horrid, and she liked talking
+as much as I did.  Silence, an air of offended dignity, the sort of
+not-angry-but-very-sorry business, would have been a heavy punishment
+for her if I could only have inflicted it, but when my father and
+mother were engaged there was often nobody, except Nina, to ask to do
+anything.  So after wasting one beautiful afternoon I decided that the
+best thing I could do was to come to a plain understanding with her.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fortified by my idea, but at the same time rather nervous, because I
+knew that unless you are a master and the other person happens to be a
+boy it is much easier to talk about a plain understanding than to
+arrive at it, I strolled on to the lawn, and after taking a circuitous
+route I sat down by Nina.  I had got her at a disadvantage because she
+was reading a book which my mother had said was good for her, and if I
+sat there long enough and bounced a tennis-ball up and down in front of
+me I knew she was bound to talk.  For some reason or other I did not
+feel like beginning, and this disinclination did not come from
+chivalry, but I must confess from fear, Nina being armed with all sorts
+of weapons which if I had possessed I should not have known how to use.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You seem to be very busy," she said after I had bounced my ball up and
+down two hundred and eleven times without missing it.  I took no notice
+of that remark except to count out loud.  "Twelve, thirteen, fourteen"
+I went on carefully, and when I was half-way through fifteen she threw
+her hat at the ball and, by a miracle, hit it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are as big a baby now as you were ten years ago," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I only wish you were," I answered, and threw the ball away from me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So that I might everlastingly fetch and carry for you and Fred," she
+replied quickly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That isn't true," I retorted; "at least if it is true of me it isn't
+of Fred.  He always treats you well."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will talk to me about Fred until I shall positively hate him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I want to talk about him now," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course you do, he is your favourite topic of conversation," and
+really I believe she knew that if she attacked me I should forget to
+talk about Fred.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't seem to see what a friend he is of mine," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If I liked all the friends of every one I know, I should never have
+any time to do anything else."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You forget that I happen to be your brother," I said, but I might have
+known better than to make such a remark, for she seemed to think it was
+amusing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sometimes you are quite delicious," she returned, and I began to feel
+that we were as far off a plain understanding as we had ever been.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Look here, Nina, you are beginning to give yourself airs, and it is
+time some one told you," I began desperately.  "You will be known as a
+nice girl gone wrong; you were nice once, and now you talk as if you
+know a lot of people and try to make out you are about twice as old as
+you really are.  It won't do, it really won't; what's the good of
+pretending things, it's such a waste of time?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+She looked away from me when I had finished, and I had not the vaguest
+idea how she would reply, but at any rate she did not laugh.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are really serious for once," she said half questioningly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I often try to be serious, only no one ever suspects it," I answered,
+unable to keep myself out of it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But you are always one-sided."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I very nearly said that I had only spoken for her good, but managed to
+stop myself, because no one ever believes you when you say it.
+Besides, it would have annoyed her, so I was silent.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You see you have not got much older, and I have.  I couldn't bounce a
+ball up and down two hundred and thirteen times now."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Again I used abstinence and stopped myself from telling her that she
+could never have done it, for she was quite solemn, and I thought we
+were getting at something.  I hoped, too, that we should get it
+quickly, for a tired feeling was creeping over me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are only eighteen," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am nineteen next week," she answered, and I knew that she meant this
+both as a rebuke and a reminder.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's not very old."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's old enough for me to know that you and I will never quarrel about
+trifles," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then will you come to the 'Varsity match?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't think the 'Varsity match a trifle, do you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm not going to sit here and quibble; you're too clever altogether,"
+I said, and I got up and wondered in which direction there was most to
+do, but Nina stood up, too, and put her hand through my arm.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Let us go for a walk by the river before dinner," she said, and after
+asking what good she thought that would do I went.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My dear Godfrey, you are simply splendid," she went on, "the dearest
+old bungler I know.  You remind me of the Faulkners' ostrich, which
+goes on tapping at the window when it has been opened and there is
+nothing to tap at."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not know what she meant, and if that ostrich had not been rather
+a friend of mine I should have been insulted.  As it was I did not feel
+pleased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will spend your life running your head against brick walls," she
+continued.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am not going down to the river if you are going to preach to me,"
+but we were already half-way there.  "What about the 'Varsity match?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't understand things, Godfrey."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Fred has told me that already," I said sulkily.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, has he?" she replied, and I saw that I had stumbled upon something
+which made her think.  We sat down by the river and did not speak to
+each other for a long time, and when Nina broke the silence her mood
+had changed completely.  She cajoled me; I think that must have been
+what she did, and I was weak enough to like it.  It was so nice to have
+me home again; we were going to have a splendid time together, we
+always had been together; Mrs. Faulkner said Oxford spoiled so many men
+at first, it made them prigs; but there was no chance of me becoming a
+prig, I was just the best sort of brother in the world, because when I
+did meddle in other people's business I hated doing it, and did it all
+wrong; in the future she would try to do everything to please me, for
+she was never happy unless I was.  As regards my digestion, I certainly
+must have resembled the Faulkners' ostrich, for I swallowed all this;
+and when we had walked back home I felt as if my attempt to come to an
+understanding had not been a failure.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When, however, I thought over what she had said I was not so pleased,
+for I began to see that if the summer was to be splendid and I was not
+to be called a prig I must give up the idea of taking her to the
+'Varsity match.  In fact, in ten minutes I had come to the conclusion
+that I had been made a fool of, but no one could expect me to begin the
+thing all over again.  I made a resolution then, which is worth
+recording because I kept it, that I would never tackle Nina again about
+my friends; she was too much for me, I acknowledged to myself, and
+apart from determining that she should at least behave decently to
+Fred, I made up my mind to keep clear of things which seemed altogether
+out of my line.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+It was arranged finally that I should go alone to town for the 'Varsity
+match, and should bring Jack Ward back with me.  My mother said I must
+stay with the Bishop, and if she had not wanted me to go very much I
+think I should have found a number of reasons why I had better stay
+with him at some other time.  For though the Bishop in the country had
+made himself quite pleasant, I had a sort of feeling that he had his
+eye on me and that this visit would be one of inspection.  My
+reluctance was apparent to Nina, and one evening she mentioned it
+before dinner.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't see what there is to be afraid of.  Think of him as an uncle,"
+she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am not afraid of a hundred bishops," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then you needn't be nervous about going to stay with half one, because
+he's only a suffragan."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You shouldn't speak of your uncle in that way, Nina," my mother said.
+"It makes no difference whether he is an archbishop or a curate, but I
+won't have him spoken of as if he is a fraction."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Godfrey used to hate him, at any rate," she replied, simply to create
+a diversion.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sure he didn't," and my mother's eyes turned questioningly upon
+me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I did rather bar him at one time until he was decent in the summer, he
+used to think himself so funny," I explained.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wish you would talk English," my father said.  "Dinner is already a
+quarter of an hour late, I am going into the dining-room."  He marched
+off quickly and Nina began to laugh, but I think she must also have
+been a little ashamed of herself.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am a scapegoat for everybody," I said to her; "for you, the cook,
+and the gardener's boy, whose whistle is always mistaken for mine."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Never mind," she answered, "you don't look very depressed."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It isn't fair, all the same; you don't play the game," and as my
+mother had already gone into the dining-room to sit rebukefully at a
+foodless table I followed her.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+These solemn waitings, which did not happen unfrequently, were comical
+to me, and since my father never could understand why Nina and I were
+amused at them, he had generally forgotten his original grievance
+before dinner began.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I got to London I could not help being struck by the difference
+between a bishop at work and a bishop at play.  The chief impression I
+got of my uncle was of a man most strenuously at labour; if he wanted
+to lecture me he never had time to do it, and nearly the first thing he
+said was that I was to do exactly as I liked, and he gave me a
+latch-key so that I might feel that I was a bother to nobody.  He was
+so extraordinarily kind and simple that I wondered how on earth it was
+that I had really hated him at one time, for I had hated him quite
+honestly, and I came to the conclusion that as soon as he had ceased to
+be a pompous humorist he had become a very nice man.  At any rate he no
+longer made jokes, and I never had been able to think them good ones,
+because those which I remembered had been nearly always directed at me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The 'Varsity match was a complete failure owing to the weather, and was
+never likely to be finished.  Fred made fifteen in the one Oxford
+innings, and as the whole side made under a hundred, he didn't do so
+badly.  But I think Cambridge might have won if the game had been
+played out, so when it poured with rain on the third day, I did not
+mind very much, apart from the fact that Lord's in wet weather is a
+terribly dismal place.  I went back about one o'clock to my uncle's
+house and having found a huge London directory, I hunted for the name
+of Owen.  I soon found an address in Victoria Street, which seemed to
+be the one for which I was looking.  "Professor of Gymnastics, Boxing
+and Fencing" was pretty well bound to be right, and in the afternoon I
+started off to find Owen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wanted to ask him to come and stay with us as soon as Jack Ward had
+gone, and I had already told my mother about his illness, though I had
+never mentioned the life-saving tale.  I had often wanted to ask my
+father what really happened, only having made a promise, I had got to
+stick to it, and I wished I had never been fool enough to make it; it
+seemed to be making a lot of fuss about nothing.  But, if I could
+persuade Owen to come, the whole thing would have to be cleared up, and
+I thought being in the country would do him so much good, that the
+Professor would make him come whether he wanted to or not.  I did not
+know quite what my father would say when he heard all about Owen, for
+in some ways he belonged to what, I believe, is called "the old
+school," and clung tenaciously to the belief that there was not a
+Radical yet born who did not work night and day for the destruction of
+the British Empire.  We never talked politics at home, though sometimes
+we listened to a lecture.  But, as Owen said that he would never have
+lived if it had not been for my father, they ought, I imagined, to have
+a sort of friendly feeling for each other, though I cannot say that I
+felt any great confidence in this idea.  I relied more on the fact that
+as soon as you had removed the crust from my father, you found a huge
+lot of kindness underneath it.  He liked to complain, and some people,
+who knew him very slightly, thought he liked nothing else, but they
+were most hopelessly wrong.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My chief recollection of that walk along Victoria Street is that my
+umbrella was constantly bumping into other umbrellas; I must have tried
+to walk too fast, and the result was that by the time I reached the
+Professor's, I was hot and splashed, and my umbrella had a large rent
+in it.  The door of the house was open, and I saw a notice hanging on
+the side of the wall which told me to walk up-stairs.  What I was to do
+when I had walked up-stairs puzzled me, so I went back into the street,
+and having rung a bell as a sort of announcement that some one was
+coming, I went up slowly.  The house seemed to be full of stuffiness
+and gloom, so much so that had I been unable to find either the
+Professor or his son, I should not have been at all sorry.  I was,
+however, met on the first landing by a servant who must have been
+cleaning a grate when I interrupted her.  Her hair was straying over
+her face, and as she stood waiting for me to explain my business, she
+tried to arrange it properly, but she only succeeded in putting two
+large streaks of black upon her nose and forehead.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I want to see Professor Owen," I said untruthfully.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"'E's porely this afternoon."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Never mind," I replied quickly, "is Mr. Owen in&mdash;his son?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"'E don't live 'ere, 'e lives at West-'Am with 'is ornt."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Would you give me his address, I won't interrupt the Professor if he
+is not well?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who may you be, I don't remember your fice?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I know Mr. Owen at Oxford, I have never been here before."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+She laughed for a moment and then said she should have to ask the
+Professor for the address, but just as I was going to say I would write
+and ask him to forward my letter, a door opened on my right, and an
+enormous man in a blue pair of trousers and a flannel shirt came out
+into the passage.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This gent wants Mr. 'Ubert's address," the servant said, and
+disappeared very quickly up another flight of stairs.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Are you the Professor?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I held out my hand, but the passage was dark and his attempt to get
+hold of it went wide.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Will you come into my room?  Business, I suppose?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I said it was business, and walked into a small sitting-room, which
+seemed to be furnished principally with a table, a big arm-chair, and
+empty bottles.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm cleaning up a bit to-day, you must excuse the bottles," he said,
+and put his hands on the table.  I would have excused everything if
+only the room had not been so dreadfully close, and I stood while the
+Professor looked at the bottles and finally picked one up and put it
+down again in the same place.  Then, as if the exertion was too much
+for him, he sank with a thud into the chair.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You aren't well, I am afraid."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No," he answered, "not at all well; damp heat always affects my head."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I sat down on a box labelled "soda-water" and looked at him.  My first
+impression of him had been one of huge strength, my second was one of
+flabbiness, and no one could help guessing the reason.  Everything
+about him was huge except his eyes, and they might have been had I been
+able to see what they were like, but all I could see was the puffiness
+beneath them, and that was enough to make me wish I had never come.  I
+stared at him for some time, but he did not speak, and at last he began
+to breathe so heavily that I had to interrupt him.  "I say, Professor,"
+I began, and he jumped up and began to rub his eyes.  Then he sat down
+again and putting his elbows on his knees looked at me as if he was
+trying to remember what brought me there.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"This is my afternoon off," he said; "I have no pupils until to-morrow
+at ten o'clock, and then I give a fencing-lesson to the Honourable Mr.
+Bostock.  Perhaps you know him?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I said that I did not, and I thought the Professor was a snob.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What can I do for you?  Fencing or boxing?  I trained Ted Tucker years
+ago&mdash;you remember Ted Tucker, the Bermondsey Bantam as they called him?
+My eye, he was a hot 'un with his fists."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had never heard of Ted Tucker, and said so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't seem to know anybody," he replied, and for the life of me I
+could not help laughing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Look here, young man, I'm not going to be laughed at.  I may have my
+little weakness, but I keep my self-respect, and I'd like you to
+remember that, if you can remember anything.  Who are you, I've asked
+you that before, and where did you come from?"  He glared angrily in my
+direction and I did not like the look of him at all.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I came to see your son," I answered; "I don't want to fence or box,
+but his address."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+His manner changed at once.  "Are you from Oxford?" he asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you call on my afternoon off, that's most unlucky."  He talked all
+right but his legs were uncertain, and when he stood up he found the
+mantelpiece useful.  "Rheumatism, I'm a martyr to it," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Very painful," I remarked, and got off my soda-water case.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't get up, it's passing off.  If you're from Oxford, I must put on
+a coat and collar.  Would you oblige me with your name?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Godfrey Marten," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Colonel Marten's son?  Here, sit in this chair.  I must put on two
+coats," and he made a most gurgly kind of sound which must have meant
+that he was amused with himself.  Then he looked towards the door as if
+wondering whether he could reach it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Please don't put on anything for me," I said, and I took his arm and
+directed him back to the chair.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Your father saved my life, and you're the very image of him.  It's
+enough to upset an old man like me," and without the slightest warning
+tears began to roll down his checks.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Cheer up," I said, for I felt very uncomfortable.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you'll go and tell him that you found me&mdash;that you called on my
+afternoon off."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't," I said stoutly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And you've been a good friend to Hubert."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's nothing; I want his address in West Ham."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't say it's nothing, no deed of kindness was yet cast away in this
+world of sin," and two more tears began to roll.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Stop that kind of thing, I simply can't stand it.  Pull yourself
+together," I said, "and if you will give me his address I'll go."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't go, you must stay and have a cup of tea.  The Colonel, I hope
+he's well?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's all right; you write to him still, don't you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, I never write to him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Hubert told me you did."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He made a mistake.  The Colonel and I quarrelled, but you must never
+say a word.  I was treated badly, but I don't bear anybody any grudge,
+leastways not to the man who saved my life.  Hasn't he ever told you
+about it?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Never."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's like him, but he will never want to hear my name again; I
+should take it as a favour if you will not mention it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why shouldn't I?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He stood up again and was ever so much better.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I was misunderstood," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How did you ever know anything about me?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The gymnasium instructor at Cliborough is my brother-in-law.  He was
+in the old regiment.  He told me about you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He taught me fencing," I said, and added, "But why did you want Hubert
+to see me?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You do want to get to the bottom of things; would you like some tea?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not want any tea, but I asked if I might open the window, and
+then I took my case across the room and got some air.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's right for every man to have one ambition," he said, in the way
+which made me loathe him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's yours?" I asked promptly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That Hubert shall be a gentleman, that's why I wanted him to know you,
+only he's so shy&mdash;&mdash;"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Good gracious!" was all I could exclaim, and it did not express my
+astonishment in the least.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You'd have done very well for my job if he'd only buttoned on to you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is not the kind of man to 'button on.'"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't you teach your grandfather to suck eggs," he said angrily.  "I
+like your impudence, but I'm busted if I can put up with it," but
+before I could answer him he was apologizing and shaking my hand most
+vigorously.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At that moment Hubert opened the door, and both saw and heard what was
+happening.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Professor turned round quickly and forgot to drop my hand, with the
+result that I was pulled from my soda-water case on to the floor.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought," he gasped, "it was old Ally Sloper."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I managed to escape from him and to stand up.  Hubert, however, did not
+say anything, but began to brush my coat with his hand.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who is Ally Sloper?" I asked, for I began to think that the Professor,
+who was looking ashamed of himself, was a lunatic.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's Mr. King, the man who helps me at Oxford, he dresses rather
+funnily," Hubert explained.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He bothers me when I am not well," the Professor added, but he did not
+seem certain what line to take and kept his back turned to both of us.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If you would only be well, he wouldn't bother you," Hubert said at
+once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am better than I used to be.  You know how the weather upsets me, I
+haven't had an afternoon off for six weeks.  Ask Emily," and when he
+turned round the tears were once more rolling down his cheeks, and I
+was desperately afraid that I was in for a regular scene.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are nearly all right now," I said, "and I must be going if Hubert
+will walk a little way with me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He took my hand again and held it.  "You will not think very badly of
+an old man who has served his country," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, but I do think you ought to be&mdash;&mdash;" and then I stopped.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's no business of mine."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are the son of the man who saved my life."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh don't," I replied, and a tear dropping plump on the back of my hand
+settled me.  "I was going to say ashamed of yourself."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"To think that any one should say that in the presence of my son," he
+said, and dropped my hand.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have said it a hundred times, but no one else has ever had the pluck
+to," Hubert put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Kick a worm when he doesn't turn," he said confusedly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's all rot," I answered, and something compelled me to walk up to
+him and tap him on the shoulder.  "You aren't a worm, and I wouldn't
+dare to kick you.  Wouldn't dare, do you see; you're a fine, big chap,
+why in heaven's name don't you pull yourself together?  I don't know
+much about it, but I'll bet it's worth it.  A man like you oughtn't to
+go crying like a baby."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No sympathy," he moaned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Rot," I said again.  "I shall tell my uncle about you, he'll be a
+jolly useful friend."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's he?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A parson."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Two pennuth of tea and a tract.  No thanks," he shook his head
+decidedly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's not that kind.  A man isn't bound to be an ass because he is a
+parson."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You seem to have kind of taken charge of me," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't mean any harm," and then, for it was no time for facts, I
+added, "I like you, you are an awfully good sort, really."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Me and the parson uncle," he said, and he gave a hoarse chuckle.  "We
+should do well in double harness.  I'd pull his head off in about ten
+minutes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"May I ask him to call on you?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You'd better see what Hubert says.  I'm only a dummy."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A good big dummy," I answered, with the intention of taking myself off
+pleasantly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, be rude.  Trample on me, call me names," and then swelling out his
+chest and glaring at me, he added, "Hit me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shouldn't care to risk it," I returned, and asked Hubert, who had
+been walking aimlessly round the room, if he was ready.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We left at last, and were pursued down-stairs by volleys of apologies.
+I had to stop twice and shout back that I was not offended and that I
+forgave everything, though from the way I had talked to him it struck
+me that he had about as much to forgive as I had.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We walked towards Victoria without speaking, and when I did try to talk
+I was most horribly hoarse, I must have fairly shouted at the Professor.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My father's often like that after an afternoon off," Owen said
+presently.  "He's first angry and then apologetic, and in the end he's
+most horribly ashamed of himself.  Wednesday afternoon is his worst
+time, and I generally try to be with him and then he's all right, but I
+got stopped to-day.  He comes down to my aunt's on Sundays, though he
+hates it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I believe he would like my uncle, he wouldn't jaw and cant."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do as you like.  I've never thanked you, except in letters, for seeing
+me through that illness."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How are you now?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"All right; I feel as if I have been ill, that's all."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You've got to come down to Worcestershire," I said; "a fortnight there
+will do you more good than years of West Ham."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't do that," he answered at once.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We turned into Victoria Station and sat down on a bench.  For some
+minutes I listened to his objections and answered them; in all my life
+I do not think I have ever been quite so sorry for any one, though I
+had sense enough not to tell him so.  I felt rather a brute when I left
+him; it seemed to me that I had been having a most splendid time
+without knowing it, while he had been having a very wretched one, but I
+can't keep on feeling a brute long enough for it to do me any good, if
+feeling a brute ever does any good.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I overcame all Owen's objections, and I made him promise to come to
+Worcestershire, but as soon as I had time to think about it I wondered
+what on earth I should do with him when I had got him.  I could count
+on my mother as an ally.  I did not altogether know what my father
+would think, and Nina, as far as I was concerned, was represented by x
+in a problem to which no one had ever found an answer which was
+anything like right.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The first thing to do, however, was to go for the Bishop, and I think I
+can say that I went for him at some length.  I didn't explain well, or
+he was very stupid, because he got dreadfully mixed up before he got
+the facts of the case clearly, and I can't say that he seemed
+altogether pleased when I told him that I had as good as promised that
+he would be a friend to the Professor.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"As it is, I am rushed off my legs.  Who was it you said he had
+trained?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ted Tucker."  I had brought that in as a piece of local colour or
+whatever it is called, just to liven things up a bit, but I am afraid
+it was a mistake.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You see, I don't know anything about prize-fighters.  I did box once,
+but that's years ago."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why, you're the very man," I exclaimed.  "He'd love you; he's not a
+bit more like a prize-fighter than he is like a Professor, he's more
+like a sort of prehistoric man in blue trousers and a shirt."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But prehistoric men did not seem to appeal to my uncle any more than
+prize-fighters.  He looked very sombre indeed, so much so that I was
+quite impressed, but I had taken this job in hand and really had to see
+it through.  So I talked, and I won in the way all my few triumphs have
+been won, by talking until the other man wanted to go to bed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I like your enthusiasm, Godfrey," he said at last, "and I wouldn't
+check it for the world.  I will do all I possibly can, both with the
+Professor and with your people.  But you can't persuade me that your
+father will like the son of a man, who has been dismissed from the army
+for some cause, to come down and stay with you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't you tell that to anybody else," I said.  "Owen only told me this
+afternoon, he's only just found it out himself."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Are you going to tell your father all this?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Everything except that the Professor gets drunk now, and you're going
+to stop that," I added cheerfully.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh, am I?" he answered, "I can't help wishing that it had not rained
+this afternoon and that you had been safely at Lord's."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well you can't say that I've wasted my time."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have got your hands too full, considering that you have promised
+to work this summer.  Don't forget you have got to work, we don't want
+any fourth in Mods," and then he wished me good-night, and on the next
+day I went home with Jack Ward, who had a most astounding lot of
+luggage.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I am not going to describe my first summer vac at any length, because
+if I once began I should not have any idea when to stop, it was the
+kind of time which made gloomy people cheerful and cheerful people
+gloomy; silly, ridiculous things happened, and Mrs. Faulkner was at the
+bottom of most of them.  She even found a niece for me, but that came
+to nothing, for the niece was a very nice girl and in a week we
+understood each other beautifully.  She stayed a month with the
+Faulkners and thought of me as a brother, which was most satisfactory;
+sometimes, however, she treated me like one and then I was not so
+pleased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack Ward and Nina, in my opinion, behaved none too well; but my father
+liked Jack and my mother did not say much about him, which explains the
+whole thing.  He was always ready to do anything, and his only fault in
+my father's eyes was that he was never in time for breakfast.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was chiefly engaged during his visit in paving the way for Owen's.  I
+told my mother everything and wanted to tackle my father at once, but
+she said I must wait for a favourable opportunity.  I waited a whole
+week, and it had a most depressing effect on me, so I just walked into
+his study at last and got it over.  It happened to be a damp day,
+during which he had felt two twinges of lumbago, but he forgot those
+twinges before he had done with me.  I bore everything he said
+silently, because when he is in a furious rage in the beginning he
+tails off wonderfully at the end.  It seemed that he had a very low
+opinion of the Professor, and he declared emphatically that he was not
+going to have his house made into a sanatorium.  I listened to a crowd
+of disagreeable facts about my new friend, and my father declared that
+even the sight of his son would give him an attack of gout.  "It is
+true," he said, "that I did save his life, and he had, as far as that
+went, cause to be grateful, and he wasn't grateful but a disgrace to
+the regiment.  I want to forget all about the man and then you rake him
+up again, and you say that stupid uncle of yours, who plays cricket
+when he ought to be writing sermons, is going to be a friend to him.
+It's more than I can or will put up with," and he banged <I>The
+Nineteenth Century</I> down on his writing-table so violently that he
+upset a vase of roses and some of the water went into his ink-pot.
+After that he was incoherent for a minute, and I, not knowing what to
+say, remarked that the Bishop could not be expected to write sermons
+during his holidays.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A bishop ought always to be writing sermons," was his only answer, and
+I guessed that his rage had reached its climax.  I tried to lower the
+flood on his table by means of my pocket-handkerchief, and waited.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What sort of a fellow is this son who pushes himself upon you in this
+way?  It's monstrous."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's quiet and all right, and he has never pushed himself at all.  I
+made him promise to come; he didn't want to, only it's his chance to
+get well and he must take it.  You would have done the same thing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's he like?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's not exactly like any one else I know at Oxford, but&mdash;&mdash;"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course he isn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I was going to say no one could possibly dislike him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I suppose he will have to come, but I want you to understand that in
+future I insist on knowing whom you want to ask here before you ask
+them.  I am exceedingly annoyed, I shall go and see your mother."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went with him, as when I am about I generally manage to absorb most
+of his anger, but after a few outbursts my mother soothed him, and in
+the end he even gave a grim sort of smile when I said that unless he
+had saved the Professor there would have been no bother about his son.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't call that man a Professor," he said, "he's a humbug, he always
+was and always will be, and if it wasn't that I am sorry for a son who
+has such a father I wouldn't be talked over by you.  But you have given
+your uncle something to think about," and that idea sent him smiling to
+the window.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+One most splendid thing happened while Jack Ward was staying with us,
+for just before he was going away Nina fell into the river again and
+Jack was superb enough idiot to repeat his previous performance and
+jump in after her.  I met them trying to get into the house by a back
+way, and from the look of them I saw that they were feeling rather
+silly.  It is all very well to fall into one river, but when you start
+going overboard anywhere the thing becomes comical, and they fell from
+their high position as rescued and rescuer and had to put up with a
+good deal of wit, as we understood it at home.  I didn't say much,
+because Nina was better than I was at saying things, but whenever I saw
+her I gave way to fits of silent laughter.  I can't think how I thought
+of that dodge, it was so extraordinarily successful and so far above my
+average efforts, and as soon as I saw that it was working properly, I
+did not mind being called anything she liked.  And my father, being
+particularly well just then, helped me by what, I was determined to
+believe, were very humorous remarks.  Jack did not hear many of them,
+but the few he did hear must have upset him a little, for he tried to
+explain himself by saying that he would jump into anything to save a
+kitten, which from the look of Nina did not seem to satisfy her much.
+In the end I don't believe she was as sorry for Jack to go as I was.
+She could not stand being a family joke, and I, having suffered in that
+way many times, could have sympathized with her if I had not thought
+that it was much the best thing which could happen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I felt dull after Jack went, for he was the sort of man who does
+brighten up a place, and he was never by any chance bored; besides, I
+was wondering how I could make Owen enjoy himself, because the only
+thing I knew about him was that he did not care for any exercise except
+walking, and I hoped that he would be reasonable about the distances he
+wanted to go.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+However, the day before he was to come, Miss Read arrived, which was an
+idea of my mother's, and a very good one.  Miss Read had been Nina's
+governess for eight years, and she knew all of us better than we knew
+ourselves.  She was a kind of tonic when any of us were depressed, and
+a cooling draught when we were angry; in my case she had seldom been a
+tonic, but all the same when she had left us at Easter I was very
+sorry.  She was the only person I have ever seen of whom Nina was
+really afraid.  I am sure she could have told some funny tales if she
+had felt inclined.  She was supposed to be coming to see Nina, who was
+going to Paris in a few weeks to be "finished," but I am sure that my
+mother thought Owen would like her, and that she would like him.  And
+as it happened, they were both botanists and butterfly-catchers, at
+least Miss Read knew a lot about butterflies, though her time for
+catching them had gone by, and they were always doing things together.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Worcestershire must certainly be a better place than West Ham for a
+botanist, and after Owen had got used to us I believe he enjoyed
+himself.  We worked together in the mornings, which pleased my father,
+and he let my mother give him as much medicine as she wanted to, which
+pleased her, and I feeling virtuous after reading every morning for
+nearly four hours, was very pleased with myself.  But he was in a
+mortal terror of Nina, though she really never gave him any cause to
+be, and made the most valiant efforts to learn the Latin names of
+plants.  Miss Read and he made excursions and grubbed about in hedges,
+and Nina and I often met them at some place to have tea.  It wasn't
+very exciting, for I had always to carry the kettle and the things to
+eat; but the sun shone most of the time, which was really a blessing,
+because on wet days Owen persuaded me to work in the afternoons as well
+as the mornings, and that was more than I had ever thought of doing in
+a vac.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I suppose Owen was what is generally called a smug, but he was not one
+by choice but by compulsion, which is the best kind I should think.  He
+was so totally different from any other kind of friend I have ever had
+that I sometimes caught myself wondering whether I really liked him.
+But I could always satisfy myself about that, for there was one thing
+about him which no one could help liking; he was most tremendously
+clever and never tried to make out that he was, and having already seen
+plenty of people who were about as clever as I was, and who talked as
+if they were Solomon and Solon rolled into one, I was grateful to him.
+We got on very well together, though we had not got a single thing in
+common, except that we both liked sunshine; and that can't be said to
+be much, for I have only met one man in England who did not like the
+sun, and he had been affected, permanently, by too much of it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Men get blamed freely enough for putting on side about playing cricket
+and football well, and they deserve all they get, but the men who put
+on intellectual side ought, I think, to be spoken to more severely,
+because they get worse as they get older, while the first sort of side
+generally dies an early death.  Owen was a kind of encyclopaedia, who
+did not air or advertise himself, and I thought him a very rare
+specimen.  Athletics meant no more to him than botany or butterflies
+meant to me, but when he went away my father said emphatically that it
+was refreshing to think Oxford turned out some men who took interest in
+useful things.  I did not answer that remark, because he did not really
+know very much about Oxford, and his occasional hobby was that the
+country was being ruined by too many games.  "A very well-conducted
+young man," he said of Owen, "always up in the morning, and always
+ready to go to bed at night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He looked much better when he went away than when he came," my mother
+said; "I hope we shall see him down here again."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think he means to make a name for himself," Miss Read added; "he
+knows exactly what he wants."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina yawned, and although I thought my father need not have described
+Owen as a well-conducted young man, I was thankful that his visit had
+passed off so well, and I said nothing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After Owen had gone away we had a fellow to stay with us out of my
+brother's regiment.  He was home on sick-leave, but had quite recovered
+from whatever had been the matter with him, and was as full of bounce
+as a tennis-ball.  Mrs. Faulkner loved him and wanted Nina to follow
+her example, as far as I could make out, for she gave a dance and a
+moonlight supper party on the river.  Mr. Faulkner, who was always more
+or less semi-detached, disappeared before the supper-party, which he
+told me was a midsummer madness.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There will be a mist and the food will be damp and horrid, and
+everybody will be wanting foot-warmers and hot-water bottles before
+they have done, you had better put on your thickest clothes and borrow
+my fur overcoat," he said to me.  And he was a true prophet, for Nina
+caught a violent cold in her head, which checked and really put a stop
+to a more violent flirtation.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nina went to Paris a few days after Fred came to us, and we all agreed
+that she would enjoy herself there, though I do not believe that any of
+us really thought she would.  As a matter-of-fact she was so home-sick
+that my mother would have gone to fetch her back if it had not been for
+Miss Read, who was blessed with much courage and common-sense.  Mrs.
+Faulkner tried her hardest to persuade my mother to bring Nina home
+again, and she came to our house and wept so much that I thought she
+was sure to win.  But Miss Read met tears with arguments, until Mrs.
+Faulkner stopped crying, and having lost her temper, forgot that Miss
+Read had not only been Nina's governess, but was also one of my
+mother's greatest friends.  So Nina stayed in Paris, and I wrote to her
+twice a week for a fortnight, but after that she began sending me
+messages in other people's letters, and I was sorry for her no longer.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap18"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XVIII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+After Nina went to Paris Fred spent most of his time in trying to be
+cheerful, but for some days he looked as if he had lost something and
+expected to find it round the next corner.  I was very patient, though
+I do not believe he understood how often I wanted to argue with him.
+By the end of the vac, however, he had forgotten to be gloomy, and I
+hoped that Oxford would cure him altogether, for he had a good chance
+of getting his Rugger blue, and he had got to read; besides, I have
+never been able to see that perpetual gloom is of any use to anybody.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went back to St. Cuthbert's full of desperate resolutions.  I wanted
+to make every one in the college understand that it was the slackest
+place in Oxford, and having done that I wished to find the men who
+would make it keener.  The scheme was a gigantic one for me to take up;
+it needed tact, and I went at it so vigorously that in a few days I had
+offended some men and had succeeded in making others look upon me as a
+freak.  Dennison told me that I had a bee in my bonnet.  If he had said
+that I was mad I should not have minded, but those horrid little
+expressions of his always tried me very much, and I am bound to confess
+that my first efforts to rouse the college met with more ridicule than
+success.  Very few men seemed to care what happened to us, and nearly
+everybody pretended that our eight would rise again, and our footer
+teams cease to be laughed at, though no one tried to make them any
+better.  Dennison wrote a skit called "The Decline and Fall of St.
+Cuthbert's"; and some artist, who thought that my nose was as big as my
+arm, made a drawing of me in which I was trying to carry the college on
+my back, and was so overburdened by the weight of it that nothing but
+my nose prevented me from being crushed to the ground.  It was very
+funny and also very unfair in more ways than one, because I did not
+start my crusade with any idea of becoming important, and I have no
+feature which is superlatively large.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+This skit of Dennison's really settled me for a time, but I did stir up
+one or two men whom I had never expected to do anything.  Jack Ward
+stopped driving about with Bunny Langham, and began to play footer, and
+Collier actually went down to the river every afternoon.  Physical
+incapability prevented him from rowing well, but he persuaded several
+other men, who did not suffer as he did, to go through the same
+drudgery, and for self-sacrifice I thought he was hard to beat, because
+he was quite a comical sight in a boat.  What good did come from my
+first crusade was due chiefly to him; a kind of revivalist spirit was
+upon him, and many unsuspecting freshers who had only thought of the
+river as a place to avoid, were unable to resist his entreaties.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The dons heard of my crusade, and I know that Mr. Edwardes did not like
+it, but I had two of them on my side, and the others did not take any
+active measures against me.  Mr. Edwardes took the trouble to tell me
+that I was mistaken in thinking that the reputation of St. Cuthbert's
+depended upon athletics, and I answered that I had never supposed
+anything of the kind, but that I thought a college which was slack
+about other things would end by being slack in the schools.  This reply
+of mine surprised him so much that he told me that any campaign to be
+successful must be managed by the right people, and I agreed with him
+cordially, for although I knew that plenty of men would have worried
+everybody out of their slackness much more successfully than I could, I
+was not going to tell him so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bursar supported me soundly, and we had a new don at the beginning
+of my second year who took a most invigorating interest in the college.
+He was known to us as "The Bradder," and though his real name was
+Bradfield it was seldom used, and as far as we were concerned he could
+have done quite well without it.  I had become so accustomed to aged
+dons that I could not understand him at first, he was so very young.
+He was also reported to be very clever, but I was so impressed by his
+youthfulness that it took me some time to believe that he would ever
+count for much.  I ought, however, to have known that The Bradder was
+not the kind of man who would allow himself to become a nonentity, for
+he was full of energy and determination.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was never able to find out how the dons heard of my scheme, but they
+find out most things by some extraordinary means, and The Bradder spoke
+to me very encouragingly about it, though he looked at me as if I
+amused him in some odd sort of way.  He also asked me to breakfast,
+which I thought was carrying kindness a little too far.  I anticipated
+the usual thing&mdash;a crowd of men with large appetites, and a host who
+abstained from food in his efforts to provide conversation; but when I
+went to The Bradder's rooms I found that I was in for a <I>tête-à-tête</I>,
+and my opinion of the other kind of breakfast rose considerably.  As a
+don I was not in the least nervous of him, but as a host I thought he
+might be overwhelming.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+That he ever lived through this meal without laughing was a marvel, for
+when I was sitting opposite to him my nervousness vanished, and I told
+him exactly what I thought about every subject he suggested, and it was
+not until I had left him that it occurred to me that I had been talking
+nearly all the time, and that he had said very little.  I determined
+that he was a most thoroughly good sort, but the idea of his being a
+don struck me as being absurd.  I put him on my side with the Warden
+and the Bursar, and thought that Mr. Edwardes was in a hopeless
+minority of one in persecuting me, for I looked upon the Subby as a man
+who had been born to be neutral.  I do not suppose that I should ever
+have started my first crusade if I had known that it was going to cause
+the mildest of sensations.  As far as I had thought about it at all, I
+had imagined that everybody in St. Cuthbert's would be glad to see the
+college take its usual place again, and certainly I had no idea that I
+should be violently supported and opposed.  The captains of everything
+were in favour of less slackness, but Dennison and all his set said
+that an Oxford college was not a public school, and talked a lot of
+nonsense about the iniquity of compulsory games.  No further proof is
+needed to show how unfair they were, for a man must be mad to dream of
+compulsory games at Oxford, and such an idea never entered my head.
+But all this talking made me wish that I had never said or done
+anything, and before long I was heartily tired of the whole thing, for
+my own affairs became rather more than I could manage.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At the beginning of the term I had moved into larger rooms, and I was
+elected to both Vincent's and the St. Cuthbert's wine club.  Murray
+advised me not to join the wine club, because I was an exhibitioner,
+and the dons would be sure to fix their eyes steadfastly upon me if I
+did.  But Jack Ward was very anxious for me to join, and every other
+member, except Dennison, who was only elected when I was, spoke to me
+about it.  So I became one of the twelve Mohocks, which only meant that
+I could give a guest a good dinner three or four times a term, and
+after that take him to the rooms of the club where there was a big
+dessert, and old Rodoski, who was concealed in the bedder, unless some
+one asked him to show himself, provided music.  When we had finished
+with Rodoski we went out of college and played pool, and then we came
+back and played cards.  There was not much harm about the whole thing,
+and occasionally it was quite dull, but some of our dons had got hold
+of the idea that a Mohock must be a rowdy and riotous person.  Mr.
+Edwardes was one of them, and I found out very soon that he considered
+that I ought not to have joined the club.  I did not, however, feel in
+the least like resigning, for though there were one or two members who
+took delight in nothing which was not an orgie, they were generally
+suppressed before they made much noise.  A club of this kind depends a
+good deal upon its President, and we had a man who thought far too much
+of the reputation of the Mohocks to insult his guests by a common
+pandemonium.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My position with Mr. Edwardes had become a critical one when I broke my
+collar-bone playing against Richmond, and suddenly ceased to be a
+culprit and became an invalid.  At the time I was very sick at my
+footer ending so abruptly, but my accident was really a stroke of good
+luck, for I feel certain that I should have been turned out of the
+'Varsity fifteen anyhow.  An Irish international named Hogan had come
+up who was, I thought, a really good full-back, and each time I was
+asked to play for the 'Varsity I expected to be my last.  But as soon
+as there was no chance of my playing against Cambridge I got no end of
+sympathy, and nearly all the team told me that my absence weakened the
+side, though previously some of them had said the same thing about my
+presence.  My accident settled the question of who was to be the
+'Varsity back quite conveniently; it also made me give up all thoughts
+of my crusade, and gave me plenty of time to read.  I should not think
+anybody's collar-bone has ever been broken at such an opportune moment.
+Fred played against Cambridge, but our forwards were hopelessly beaten,
+and no one distinguished himself for us except Hogan, who lost two
+teeth and covered himself with glory.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At the end of the Lent term both Fred and I got seconds in Moderations;
+mine was not a good second and Fred's was almost a first, so what would
+have happened if Fred had been smashed up instead of me is not worth
+inquiring, for there is no doubt that I did more work than he did.
+Murray got a first, which was what everybody expected; he was one of
+the few men I have ever seen who read logic because he liked it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I cannot say that Mr. Edwardes was very pleased about my second, for he
+had told me I should be lucky to get a third, and in my case I believe
+he would rather have been a truthful prophet than a moderately
+successful tutor.  When I asked him if I might read history for my
+final examinations he was doubtful if I was not seeking a degree by the
+least fatiguing way, but The Bradder was a history tutor, and although
+I had found out that he was a very strenuous man, I meant to work with
+him.  So after many warnings against idleness I was allowed to do as I
+wanted, and Mr. Edwardes got rid of me, which must have pleased him
+very much.  I do not think that any one else ever upset him so
+completely as I did, and I have never been able to find out why he
+disapproved of me to such an extent, unless it was that until I got
+accustomed to him I thought him funny, and when I think anybody or
+anything funny I have to laugh.  No one else laughed at Mr. Edwardes
+except me, and I should not have done so if I could have helped it, but
+an unintentionally comic don causes a lot of trouble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mr. Grace, the senior history don in St. Cuthbert's, was more like a
+very benevolent parent than a tutor.  Perhaps he was rather old for his
+work, but he was so extraordinarily peaceful that you could not help
+liking him, and I had a vague feeling that he was my grandfather.  The
+change from Mr. Edwardes to him was like going to bed in a choppy sea
+and waking up in a punt on the Cherwell.  I can't explain the feeling I
+had for him, but he seemed to be surrounded by a homely atmosphere, and
+he reminded me of hot-water bottles and well-aired beds without making
+me feel stuffy.  You worked for him because it struck you as being
+hopelessly unfair to annoy him if you could help it.  He was a most
+pleasant old gentleman, and a very convenient tutor to have in a summer
+term.  The Bradder, however, to whom I had also to read essays, scoffed
+when I told him that I had two years and a term before my examinations,
+and generally speaking allowed me to see that he was going to stand no
+nonsense.  If he had been less of a sportsman I should have thought him
+more inconvenient, for I never found an excuse which he considered a
+reasonable one, and after I had done two very short essays for him he
+let me understand that I must do more work if I wanted him to be
+pleasant.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Look here, Marten, it won't do," he said to me when I had read my
+second essay to him, which even surprised me by its early closing.
+"This could not have taken you a quarter of an hour to write, and you
+have read it in five minutes."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had tried to lengthen my essay by stopping to discuss any point which
+might make him talk, but he knew all about that time-worn device, and
+had told me to finish reading before we discussed anything, and when I
+had finished there did not seem much to discuss.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's the summer term, and I read very fast," I said, because he was
+waiting for me to say something.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't," he answered; "poor excuses are worse than none.  When I began
+to read history, I wrote telegrams instead of essays, and I tried to
+make my tutor talk so that he should fill up the time, just as you have
+done.  But I found out in a month that history is not a joke, and that
+my tutor was not a fool.  You have got to read seriously, whatever else
+you may do; we may as well understand each other from the start."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I gathered up my essay slowly, for he had, as he spoke, scattered what
+there was of it over the table.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It would be better to use a note-book than any odd piece of paper that
+happens to come your way," he said, and added, "if you are slack about
+your work, you may end by being slack at other things."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So you have been talking to Mr. Edwardes about me," I said, and I was
+annoyed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Perhaps it would be truer to say that Mr. Edwardes has been talking to
+me about you," he answered.  "You will probably like history very much
+if you will only give yourself a chance; don't think a fourth is any
+good to you&mdash;or me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm only just through Mods," I replied, "you do go at a fearful rate."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will have to be bustled until you get interested," he answered,
+"and I will bustle you all right, you can trust me to do that."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I expect that The Bradder knew that I should not care about being
+bustled by him, and the result of his conversation with me was that he
+got a great deal of essay out of me with very little trouble to
+himself, though I thought that he was mistaken in making me start at
+such a furious pace, and I asked him, without any effect, if he had
+ever heard of men being overtrained.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Although no one expected our eight to make any bumps, I think they
+astonished everybody by going down four places, and as we were being
+bumped by colleges which were generally in danger of being bottom of
+the river, a wholesome feeling spread over most of us that as a joke
+our rowing was nearly played out.  We began to talk about what we would
+do next year, but Jack Ward was so disgusted with everything that he
+suddenly determined that he had wasted nearly two years, and meant to
+make up for lost time by doing everything with all his might.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought these terrific resolutions came from a row he had with
+Dennison about cards, a disagreeable row in which Dennison said such
+nasty things that had I been Jack, I should have picked him up and
+dropped him out of the window; but by some extraordinary means Jack
+kept his temper until he told him to shut up, and that ended the whole
+thing, for Dennison knew when it was wise to be silent.  I did not
+think much of Jack's resolutions, for he had been doing no work for
+such a long time and with such perfect success, that a complete change
+was more than I was able to grasp.  Every one in St. Cuthbert's was
+supposed to read for honours in some school or other, and Jack, having
+scrambled through pass "Mods," had for a year pretended to read law.  I
+never saw him doing it, but he had a most effective way of fooling
+dons, and, as far as his work was concerned, he never seemed to be
+worried.  When, however, he came to me three weeks before the end of
+the term, and told me he was going to give up law and read history, I
+thought he was seeking trouble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will have to work if you have anything to do with The Bradder," I
+told him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"For the last ten minutes I have been trying to make you understand
+that I want to work," he answered, but still I did not believe him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"All your law will be wasted," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know any, so that's all right."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But the dons won't let you change."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can manage them; the history people won't want me, but the law
+people will be glad to get rid of me, I have sounded them already."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will end by reading theology," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He gave a great laugh and said he didn't know where he should end, and
+that all he wanted to do was to work.  But he spoke of working as if it
+was a new sort of game, and I thought his desire to try it would vanish
+as quickly as it had come, so I was surprised when he tackled The
+Bradder, and persuaded him that history was the only subject in which
+he could ever take a decent class.  Without the consent of anybody, he
+stopped going to the lectures to which he was supposed to go, and came
+to my rooms at all hours of the day to borrow books and read them.
+Apparently he had become a kind of free-lance, having shaken off his
+old tutors and not having got any new ones, but he read through a short
+history of England three times in a week because he said he wanted a
+good solid ground-work to build upon.  Perhaps The Bradder asked that
+he might be left alone, for certainly no one bothered him and he
+bothered nobody with the exception of me.  I admit that I found him a
+very great nuisance, for I had been compelled to read during the last
+two terms, and I had not been smitten with any enthusiasm for an
+examination which was in the far distance.  In fact I wanted to slack,
+and I did not see why Jack should choose my rooms to work in.  The mere
+sight of him annoyed me; he took his coat off and turned up his
+shirt-sleeves to read, and whenever I made the slightest noise he told
+me to be quiet.  I impressed upon him most earnestly that he could go
+anywhere he liked or didn't like, but he had settled upon me, and
+nothing I did could make him go or lose his temper.  After a few days I
+got quite accustomed to him, and I believe that I should have missed
+him if he had not come to annoy me, but he showed no signs of
+slackening off, and I was watching for them every day.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We were within a few days of the end of term before I believed that
+Jack had any serious intentions of changing his manner of living, and
+then he explained the whole thing to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have worked for a solid fortnight," he said to me, "and if I can go
+on for a fortnight I can go on for two years.  I didn't want to explain
+anything until I knew whether it was any good, for I have never worked
+before in my life and I didn't know what it was like.  My father has
+suddenly got very sick with me, and says I have got to read or go down
+altogether; besides I am tired of doing nothing, and there are enough
+slackers in the college without me.  We have got to pull this place
+together somehow."  He threw himself into an arm-chair and picked up
+<I>The Ordeal of Richard Feverel</I>.  "George Meredith," he said, "I tried
+him once," and he shook his head.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Try him again."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't have time, you are always coming out in unexpected places.  I
+should have thought you would have liked a good sporting novel, I can't
+understand Meredith."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Bradder told me to read this."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Bradder's an idiot; you be careful, or you'll write stuff which
+the examiners won't trouble to read.  An examiner doesn't like any
+other style except his own."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I guess from the look of them, they must get so horribly tired; facts
+are what I mean to give them, piles of dates and things like that.
+Just let 'em know what I know at once and no rot about it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You have got to write essays, not answer questions like a
+Sunday-school class," I said, and yawned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Bradder will have to teach me all about essays, but I am going to
+stick to plain English, no going round corners for me.  I mean to row
+next year, and I am going to be coached in the vac; if I don't get into
+the college eight next summer, I&mdash;&mdash;"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Aren't you going to do a lot?" I interrupted him by asking.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have always done a lot; hunting three times a week is a lot when you
+play footer and cards as well.  We will read after dinner for three
+hours."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I yawned again, for I had had very little fun for some time, and I felt
+as if a little relaxation would do me good.  An Irish M.P. was coming
+to speak during that evening about the advantages of Home Rule, and
+although I thought Home Rule meant the disruption of the Empire and
+many other things, I wanted to hear what this man had to say, and to
+see if anything exciting happened.  The Bradder had told me that there
+was a good deal to be said in favour of Home Rule, but I put him down
+as a Radical and did not take any notice of him.  The first thing I can
+ever remember about politics was my father saying that Radicals talked
+nothing but nonsense, and that had remained with me and was mixed up
+with the things which I most truly believed.  The Bradder, however,
+made me think that Radicals were not bound to be hopeless persons.  I
+don't know how he did it, but I think it was by telling me that I was
+one at heart.  I never thought half so badly of them after that.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But if what I must apologize for calling my politics were rather wobbly
+just then, ten thousand Bradders could not make me a Home Ruler, and
+had I not known that other things happen at political meetings in
+Oxford besides the ordinary programme, I might have been content to
+stay in college and go on being dull and peaceable.  As it was I
+thought that Jack and I had earned something in the way of excitement,
+and after a good deal of persuasion he started with me, but when we got
+to the meeting the place was packed with an audience which, from the
+noise, seemed to consist largely of undergraduates singing "Rule
+Britannia."  We talked eloquently to the men at the doors, without
+getting past them.  One of them told me that they had already admitted
+far too many of our kind, and then added that there was no room for
+anybody else whatever kind he might be, so we went over to Bunny
+Langham's rooms, which&mdash;for he was not living in college&mdash;were opposite
+the hall in which the M.P. was speaking.  There were more than
+half-a-dozen men in Bunny's rooms when we got to them, and I found out
+that he had been scattering invitations broadcast during the afternoon.
+A lot of other men came in soon afterwards, but nobody did anything
+more extraordinary than sing out of tune until the meeting had
+finished.  I was sitting by the window looking down on the people who
+had been in the hall, and nearly everybody had gone out of St.
+Aldgate's when Bunny came up to me and said he thought he should make a
+short speech.  He went away and came back with a horn, which he blew so
+lustily that in two or three minutes he had collected a small crowd in
+front of the house.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They are not enough," he said, and he blew on his horn until I should
+think fifty or sixty people were standing in the street.  Then he put
+his head out of the window and shouted, "Silence.  I will, if you will
+permit me, say a few words to you on burning questions of the day."
+The crowd was almost entirely made up of loafers from the town, and
+they received him with loud cries of approval.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he began, and was told at once to speak
+up, and asked if his mother knew he was out and other ancient
+questions, which interrupted but did not discourage him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he repeated, "who have assembled in your
+thousands&mdash;&mdash;"  His next words were drowned by a rude man, with a
+blatant voice, telling him that he was a blooming liar.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Fellow-citizens and burgesses of Oxford, who have assembled in your
+thousands to hear&mdash;" Bunny began once more, but the rude man shouted
+that he was not at a concert, and when he wanted to listen to the same
+thing over and over again he was not too shy to say so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall have to ask you to remove that gentleman, he is mistaking me
+for one of his unfortunate family," Bunny shouted back, and was told to
+go on and not mind Tom Briggs.  It was not possible, however, for him
+to make himself heard, and instead of continuing his speech he and Tom
+Briggs talked to each other, until some one behind me threw a banana at
+Tom and knocked his hat off.  At the same moment I saw the proctor and
+his bull-dogs coming down the street, and in a minute we had turned out
+all the lights in the room and gone up-stairs.  There we stayed until
+we heard the proctor leave the house.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's a bit of luck," said Jack, as we sat down again.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't make out what the deuce has happened," Bunny answered, "he
+must have spotted the house."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Perhaps he didn't want to catch us; after all we were not doing much,"
+some man, whose experience of proctors must have been limited, said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We got back to the room and heard a tremendous booing in the street,
+for the crowd, deprived of their fun, were letting the proctor know
+what they thought of him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's splendid," Bunny said, "it's a real score if he doesn't send
+for us in the morning.  If he does he will be sick to death with me,
+I've been progged three times already this term.  Pull the curtains and
+let's light up again."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's about time we went," Jack said; "has the crowd gone?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I looked out of the window and told him there were only a few people
+left in the street, but just as we were going there was a knock at the
+door and a man came into the room.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Halloa, Marsden," Bunny said; "I am afraid we have been making rather
+a row in here, perhaps you put a towel round your head and went on
+reading.  Didn't you tell me you tied cloths over your ears when you
+wanted to be quiet?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's not much of a joke having rooms in the same house with you,"
+Marsden answered, and looked very solemn.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't say that," Bunny answered.  "Have a drink, I'm generally as
+quiet as a lamb."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Marsden sat on the table and refused to drink.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's no joke being in the same house with you," he said again, and
+began to laugh.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm not going to set fire to the place or blow it up," Bunny replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But the house becomes infested with proctors."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you see the 'proggins?'"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He came into my room and progged both Carslake and me.  He said we
+were disturbing the peace of the town."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He didn't, did he?" Bunny exclaimed, and then went off into such fits
+of laughter that for some time he could do nothing but cough and choke.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He couldn't have chosen a funnier man.  A sneeze is about the biggest
+row you have ever made in your life.  Didn't you tell him you had
+nothing to do with the rag?" he asked at last.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I left you to do that; he wouldn't listen to me, he seemed to be in a
+hurry to get it over," Marsden said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Was he Carter of Queen's, or the other man?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Carter."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'll be at Queen's at nine o'clock to-morrow, so you and Carslake
+needn't bother to go; Carter knows me.  I am awfully sorry he has been
+shoving himself into your rooms; the worst of this place is, there is
+no privacy, Carter just goes where he pleases," and Bunny rang the bell
+and told his servant that he wanted a hansom in the morning at ten
+minutes to nine.  There were only a few of us left in his rooms, but
+every one said they would be at Queen's to meet him, though he told us
+not to make fools of ourselves.  "I asked Carter the last time I went
+to him to let me off a shilling because he had kept my cab waiting, and
+he fined me double for impertinence.  I should think this would cost
+about two pounds, and I've got about thirty sixpences up-stairs, he
+shall have all those," he continued.  "I'll have some fun for my money,
+so you fellows had better let me see it through by myself, I made the
+speech and blew the horn," but as we had all been in the affair we
+couldn't back out of it because we had been caught.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I walked as far as St. Cuthbert's with a New College man, who thought
+we should have to pay more than two pounds.  "Carter will be so
+precious sick at being hooted in the street, we shan't get off under a
+fiver each," he said, and when I got back to college I went up to
+Jack's rooms to wait and see what he thought we should have to pay.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was nearly asleep when Jack came in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Phillips says we shall have to pay a fiver each, what do you think?" I
+said, without turning round, and instead of answering me Jack went
+straight into his bedder and seemed to be washing himself vigorously.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What are you doing?" I shouted, but Jack went on washing, so I shut up
+asking questions.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In a few minutes he came back into the room, and stood in front of me
+with a candle held up in front of his face.  His lips were swollen, and
+there was a great cut, which kept on bleeding, over his right eyebrow.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I look nice, don't I?" he said.  "I've had a fight with a man who told
+me that his name was Briggs."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+By degrees I got the whole tale out of him, but it is no fun trying to
+talk when a great coal-heaving man has hit you in the mouth with his
+fist.  Jack had come home by himself, and as he was turning out of the
+High by B.N.C. Tom Briggs, who had followed him all the way, charged
+into him.  Then there was a little conversation, and Briggs called Jack
+something especially horrid, and gave him a shove at the same time, so
+Jack hit him on the nose.  After this there was a rough-and-tumble,
+until that most inquisitive man Carter and his bull-dogs came up and
+caught Jack.  What happened to Briggs he did not know.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You mustn't tell Carter that you were at Bunny's," I said, after I had
+blamed myself, until Jack was tired, for having persuaded him to start
+to that wretched meeting.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's a trifle compared with this," he answered, and he was right.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was a huge row, and it ended in Jack being sent down for the rest
+of the term.  A man, who had been lurking about somewhere, said that he
+saw Jack hit Briggs first, which was true as far as it went, but hard
+luck on Jack all the same.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Bunny wanted to have a procession to the station when Jack went away,
+but he absolutely refused to have any fuss whatever, and altogether
+took his luck like a sportsman.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+If I had only waited for him, or never bothered him to go out at all,
+this would never have happened, and tired as I have often been of
+myself, I do not think I have ever felt more utterly wretched than I
+was during the last few days of that term when I, who ought really to
+have been in Jack's place, was still in Oxford, and Jack was with his
+very angry people.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I went to the Warden and told him that Jack would never have gone out
+of college that night if it hadn't been for me, but all he said was
+that the Proctor had taken a serious view of the case, and he would not
+have anybody in the college brawling in the streets.  I also wrote to
+Jack's people and told them that the whole thing was my fault, but his
+father's answer was very short and disagreeable; he had entirely lost
+his temper.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Dennison and his friends made the most of this misfortune, and I
+suppose it was natural that they should think it a comical finish to
+Jack's attempts at working.  For the rest of the term I did not care
+what happened to anybody or anything.  I was thoroughly sick with my
+luck, and when you are born with a faculty for disobeying rules and
+offending authorities and have trampled upon your inclinations for a
+long year without any result except disaster, it is enough to make you
+think that fighting Nature is a perfectly absurd thing to do.  It was
+very fortunate that the term was nearly over, for I had a mad idea that
+the best way to make up to Jack for getting him sent down was to get
+sent down myself; but The Bradder, who knew how foolish I could be,
+nipped my demonstrations in the bud, and gave me some of the
+straightest advice I have ever listened to.  He was very rude indeed.
+One of the few good things about this term was that Fred batted
+splendidly, he was not successful afterwards against Cambridge, but we
+had every reason for thinking that they were an exceptionally strong
+eleven.  I bowled faster than ever, and a little straighter than the
+year before; I was said to be the fastest bowler at Oxford, and I heard
+two men saying in Vincent's that their idea of bliss was my bowling on
+a good wicket.  But when I lowered a newspaper and showed myself they
+pretended that it was a joke.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap19"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XIX
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+Of all penalties, sending a man down from the 'Varsity for a short time
+seems to me the most unfair.  For some people treat the culprit as if
+he was almost a criminal, while others are glad to see him and aren't
+in the least annoyed.  Had I been sent down from Oxford I am sure my
+father would have stormed and told me that I was going to that
+universal rubbish-heap, called "The dogs," while my mother would have
+been very hurt and very kind; but I know one man who went home
+unexpectedly and was told by his father that if he had not been sent
+down he would have missed the best "shoot" of the year.  In some cases
+the penalty is nothing, and in other cases it is far too heavy.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+From the little I knew of Jack's people I did not expect that they
+would be as unpleasant as they were, for as far as I could see he had
+not done anything which was much of a disgrace to anybody.
+Unfortunately, however, he went home at an unlucky moment, for his
+father was mixed up with the Stock Exchange, and there was a slump or
+something equally disagreeable in the City.  Jack wrote to me: "I have
+often seen my father in a bad temper, but I have never seen him keep it
+up for so long before.  There is a large bear syndicate formed in the
+City, and my father is a bull, and fumes like one.  I am very useful if
+he would only see it, because he can work his rage off on me, and that
+is a great relief to everybody else.  But it is no use thinking of what
+is to happen next; he has told me that I am going to start to Canada in
+a month, and Australia in a fortnight, but wherever I go I am to have
+only £10 besides my passage-money&mdash;he does the thing thoroughly.  The
+last scheme, announced at breakfast this morning, is that I am going to
+Greece, to a quarry which has something to do with either marble or
+cement; I didn't listen much, because I shall probably be booked for
+Siberia before night.  Anywhere but back to Oxford is really his idea,
+and the more often he changes the place the better.  Meanwhile I flaunt
+history books before him.  I left <I>Taswell Langmead</I> on the lawn,
+because it is the fattest book I have got, and it looks so like one of
+the Stock Exchange books that I knew he would look at it.  He did and
+growled, but he put it back on the chair, which rather surprised me,
+for I expected him to launch forth on the uselessness of me reading
+such things.  If I sit tight for a bit and don't get ready to go
+anywhere, perhaps I shall get back to Oxford after all."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I knew nothing about the Stock Exchange, but I sympathized very much
+with any one who had to live in the same house with a fuming bull.
+Even Fred agreed with me that Jack was being treated unfairly, and he
+never spoke about him at all if he could help it.  When Jack and he had
+met during the last year at Oxford, as they had often, they were so
+astonishingly polite to each other that had I not known the reason I
+should have been very amused, but as it was, I thought they were making
+a great fuss about something quite unimportant.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+To pretend not to notice a thing which is as clear as daylight is not a
+part which I can play with any comfort, so Jack and Fred fidgeted me
+terribly, but they had got some idea firmly fixed in their heads, with
+which I was wise enough not to meddle.  They were both such friends of
+mine that I hoped they would see as quickly as possible that there was
+something very humorous in the way they treated each other.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Owen took a first in his final schools, and as soon as the list was out
+he wrote to me and said that he hoped to come up for a fifth year to
+read for a first in History.  This, I thought, was tempting Providence,
+for he had already got two firsts, and he seemed to me to be collecting
+them as I had once collected birds' eggs.  He decided, however, to give
+up his plan, and accepted a mastership at a school in Scotland.  I must
+say that I was relieved at this, for I intended to take two more years
+before my examinations, and if he had got a first in one year I am sure
+that I should have heard a very great deal about him, when my father
+felt unwell or wished to make me feel uncomfortable.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I spent most of my second summer vac in France, partly because my
+mother was not well, and also because an old scheme for improving my
+French had been revived.  When Fred and I had gone to Oxford there had
+been some idea of us trying for the Indian Civil Service, but for
+various reasons this was abandoned, and although Fred had determined
+that he would go back to Cliborough as a master if he could manage it,
+I had drifted through two years without having made up my mind what was
+to happen to me when I got my degree.  The Bishop wanted me to be a
+clergyman, my mother thought that if Fred was going to be a
+school-master there was no reason why I should not be one, and although
+my father did not say anything he was not the man to see me finish my
+time at Oxford and then sit down to wait for some employment to turn
+up.  It was really no use for me to decide what I should do, for unless
+I showed an especial craving for some profession I knew that he would
+settle everything, and as I had two years before me I thought that
+there was no particular hurry, which is, I suppose, the dangerous state
+of mind of many undergraduates.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not understand that my father's wish for me to talk French was
+part of any definite scheme, and for the life of me I cannot make out
+why he settled upon my profession and told me nothing about it, but I
+suppose that unless I ever become a parent there are some things which
+will puzzle me all my life.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"One of the reasons the English are hated on the Continent is because
+they can only speak their own language, and when they are not
+understood they shout," he said to me, and I am afraid I did not care
+much what the English were thought of on the Continent; at any rate I
+did not see what I could do to make them more popular.  "I intend that
+you shall at least be able to speak French properly," he went on; "you
+are not going to stay with us at the hotel, but live with a French
+family about three miles out of the town."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I detested the idea and had to submit to it, but I acknowledge that I
+enjoyed my visit to France, though I was told that I spent too much
+time at the hotel.  The fact was that my family lived three miles up
+hill from the town, and on a bicycle I could reach the sea or my people
+in a few minutes, but after I had bathed I had to think a lot before I
+started back.  I was arrested twice, once for riding furiously and also
+for not having my name on my bicycle, accidents which my father assured
+me would never have happened had I been able to talk French fluently,
+though it was absolutely impossible that I could under any
+circumstances or in any language have talked as fluently as the
+policeman who stopped me.  My French family were very nice to me, and
+we got on splendidly together after they discovered that I did not mind
+them laughing at my pronunciation.  After two months, during which I
+had attacked the language vigorously, Nina came from Paris to join us.
+I expected that she would find my accent amusing, but I made a mistake.
+What my mother had once mentioned to me as her awkward age had been
+lived through, and after a few days I began to wonder why I had ever
+found it easy to be irritated with her.  If things go well I generally
+have an attack of thinking them perfect, but all the same Nina and I
+became better friends than we had been since I had left school, and we
+were together so often that nothing but a promise to talk French to her
+prevented my people from forbidding me to come near the hotel.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+On Saturday afternoons, however, I stipulated that I should do and talk
+what I pleased, but unless I went to the Casino there was not much to
+do on my first holiday after Nina had arrived; so I persuaded her to
+come to a concert, have tea on the terrace, and then watch the "petits
+chevaux."  She was ready to do anything, but my mother detested any
+kind of gambling, and begged me not to take her into the room in which
+the tables were.  I could have imagined the time when to be told that
+something was not good for her was the surest way to make Nina want it,
+but now she said at once that she would much rather sit on the terrace
+than stay in a room with a crowd of people, and after tea I left her
+for a few minutes while I went for a walk through the rooms.  There was
+a crowd round each table, and not being able to see anything I was
+going back to Nina at once when I felt some one touch me on the arm.  I
+turned round quickly for I suspected that my pocket was being picked,
+though that would not have caused me any serious inconvenience, and
+before I could remember what I ought not to say I had exclaimed "Good
+Heavens," but if people will turn up in utterly unlikely places they
+ought not to be too critical of the way in which they are greeted.  I
+should as soon have expected to see Mr. Edwardes at a Covent Garden
+Ball as the Warden in a French Casino, and I had an intense and
+immediate desire to ask him what he was doing there.  I suppressed it,
+however, and only shook him so violently by the hand that he winced
+perceptibly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have been guilty of watching your movements for the last four
+minutes," he said, as we walked towards the door leading to the
+terrace.  "I observed you as you entered this chamber of horrors, and I
+was afraid that you were about to give an exhibition of your
+generosity."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Did you think I was going to play?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, if that is the right expression for an act of madness.  There
+are, if I have observed exactly, eight chances against you, and the
+fool, for believe me he is a fool, who is fortunate enough to win is
+paid seven times his stake.  The man who tries to make money in that
+way must be generous and a fool."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The bank must win to pay for the croupiers and keep the place going,"
+I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"In my opinion there is no acute necessity for the place to be kept
+going, as you express it.  I entertain a hope that if you have ever
+taken part in that orgie, at which every one with the exception of the
+croupiers looks greedy and hungry, that you will in the future abstain
+from it.  Gambling is the meanest of all vices," he said slowly, and he
+tapped my arm seven times.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He did not seem to be going anywhere in particular, and as I cannot
+bear anybody tapping at me, I thought Nina might help to calm him.  So
+I walked down the terrace and introduced her to him suddenly, for he
+had a reputation for bolting from strange ladies, and I thought it best
+to leave nothing to chance.  But as soon as he saw Nina the cloud
+disappeared from his face, and his aggressively moral mood changed.  In
+fact I distinctly heard him say "delightful," though I am sure that he
+did not intend his remark to be audible.  He inspected Nina as if she
+was for sale or on show, but he so clearly approved of her that she did
+not seem to mind him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Won't you sit down?" she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Only on one condition," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What is it?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That you tell me the name of your dressmaker," but before Nina could
+speak he had settled himself beside her, and continued: "You are not
+only successful in being cool but also in looking cool; now I have ten
+nieces, delightful girls, but they cannot take exercise without
+rivalling the colour of a peony.  They look what I can only describe to
+you as full-blown."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But I have not been taking exercise," Nina said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That, I suppose, is true," he replied, and forgot promptly what he had
+been talking about.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After a minute's silence his head began to sink forward, and I was
+afraid he was beginning to think hard or go to sleep, so I told Nina
+that it was time for us to go back to the hotel; for much as I liked
+the Warden I had no wish to watch over him while he slept on the
+Terrace of the Casino, and I thought that he might expect to find me
+there when he woke up.  Nina held out her hand to wish him good-bye,
+but he said that he was coming with us, and while we were walking to
+the hotel I left him to her, for I was debating whether I had better
+ask him to meet my father and mother or not.  I knew that he had
+offended a great many people who had come to see him in Oxford about
+their sons, and he was reported to have said that the greatest
+difficulty in dealing with undergraduates was the parent difficulty.
+"If I was dictator of Oxford it should be a city of refuge for young
+men, and no father or mother should be allowed to enter it during
+twenty-four weeks of the year," was one of the things he was supposed
+to have said, and if my father happened to get him upon that subject I
+foresaw trouble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But the question settled itself, for my mother was sitting on the
+verandah in front of the hotel and came down the garden to meet us.  I
+had heard the Warden chuckle three times as we had walked up the road,
+and though I could not imagine how Nina was amusing him, I thanked
+goodness that he seemed to be thinking about ordinary things.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have the pleasure of knowing your brother," he said as soon as he
+was introduced; "he and I disagree upon every subject I have ever had
+the privilege of discussing with him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I do not think my brother would ever discuss a subject with any one
+whom he expected to agree with.  It would be hardly worth while," my
+mother answered, and the Warden looked at her quickly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Surely the benefit arising from a discussion does not depend wholly,
+or I may say chiefly, from disagreement upon the subject discussed.  A
+Cabinet Council, for instance, may conceivably arrive at a satisfactory
+and at the same time an unanimous conclusion."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My brother would not call that a discussion," my mother answered
+shortly, and the Warden said "Ah," which meant, I believe, that however
+the Bishop defined the word discussion, it was useless to discuss
+anything with ladies.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will have some tea?" my mother said, as soon as we had reached the
+verandah.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will excuse me, my absence from the hotel at which I have taken a
+room for to-night, has already been too prolonged.  You drink tea in
+France, madam?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We brought our tea with us."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Admirable foresight, but it remains for you to see the water boiling,"
+and then as if he knew that he had hurt my mother's feelings and wished
+to make some recompense, he continued, "The Bishop, madam, is a man for
+whom I have a most sympathetic regard, neither politics nor pageants
+divert him from the work he has pledged himself to do; I know of no man
+more fitted to be a Bishop."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My mother bowed slightly, and said nothing, and really it was not easy
+to guess from the Warden's tone whether he considered any man fit to be
+a Bishop.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We think differently on many subjects, and on one, I may say, I think
+with perfect truth, we have differed so widely that a little less
+self-restraint on the one side or on the other would have brought us to
+the verge of a very vulgar quarrel.  The Bishop preaches what is called
+Humanity, he practises Humanity, he would have a manufactory&mdash;which he
+would manage on a profit-sharing system&mdash;for Humanity pills, and make
+every young man in Oxford swallow two of them every morning.  But there
+is another meaning to the word Humanity which has been lost sight of in
+this age of upheaval, it is 'classical learning.'  Oxford has a duty to
+perform; it has something to teach in addition to the development of
+kindly feelings which must be taught at the mother's knee, and grow
+naturally if they are ever to be effective.  We are attacked at Oxford
+by many kinds of outside influence, and you know enough of young men,
+madam, to realize that there is no influence which appeals to them so
+strongly as that which is outside, what I must call, constituted
+authority.  The Bishop, in short, if I judge him with accuracy, thinks
+that Oxford is the finest playground for the East-end of London which
+can be imagined by the wit of man.  On this point I disagree with him
+entirely, not from any dislike to the people of the East-end, but from
+a profound conviction that young men in Oxford, if they are to do their
+work with success, have already more than enough to occupy their minds."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He leaned forward in his chair and looked hard at me; he did not
+apparently expect any answer to his oration, but he had touched on a
+subject which was near my mother's heart, and I felt so uneasy that I
+moved from my seat and leaned against one of the posts of the verandah.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't you exaggerate what my brother wants?" my mother asked.  "He
+knows too well the value of time to wish to waste that of anybody, and
+he loves Oxford."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Too well," the Warden jerked out, as if he was an automatic
+arrangement and some one had touched a spring.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't think any one could love Oxford too well, and I should be
+sorry if Godfrey did not learn something from his life there which
+could help him to sympathize with other people."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I knew that I was bound to be pulled in sooner or later, and I thought
+of disappearing behind my post and of leaving the Warden to say what he
+liked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The sympathies of your son are already as wide as those of a Charity
+Organization Society, and, I venture to say, as misdirected," the
+Warden returned, and seemed to have forgotten that I was standing in
+front of him, but if he was going to say things about me I decided to
+stay and hear them.  "I find him the most pleasant companion, he has
+the gift of silence&mdash;Meredith wrote&mdash;'Who cannot talk!&mdash;but who
+can?'&mdash;he is also amusing, always unconsciously.  I have great hopes
+that he may become a man who will not waste his youth in vain struggles
+with a ball.  Had I the power I would banish all balls from England for
+one short year, the experiment would be entertaining."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It would result in a national dyspepsia," my mother said, laughing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Godfrey would play catch with an orange," Nina remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Warden looked up and saw me.  "An orange bursts," he said.  "I must
+return to my hotel.  Would you find me a conveyance, one with a
+coachman as unlike a furious driver as possible?" he asked, and as Nina
+came with me he was left alone with my mother.  I don't know what he
+said during those few minutes, but when we got back I found my mother
+smiling placidly, though when I had gone away I was certain that she
+disapproved of the Warden most thoroughly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Warden wishes you to dine with him to-night," she said to me, and
+without waiting for me to reply she went on to say how sorry my father
+would be to miss him.  The Warden began to express regrets at my
+father's absence, but forgot what he was talking about in the middle of
+his sentence, and finished up by telling the driver to go very slowly.
+As he stepped into the vehicle I had found for him, he expressed a
+fervent hope that it was more robust than it appeared to be.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What a funny old man!" Nina exclaimed as soon as he had gone, "and
+what nonsense he talks.  He is a dear, but he does look odd!"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He looks like a gentleman, and is one," my mother replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You didn't like him at first," I said to her.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought he spoke slightingly of your uncle and that he meant all he
+said, which of course was stupid of me.  He was delightful after you
+had gone, and talked most kindly and sensibly about you, I wish your
+father could have heard him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But my father had gone to Rouen and was not coming back until ten
+o'clock, and I am not sure that he would have liked the Warden, so
+perhaps it was as well that they did not meet.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My dinner was wearisome, for Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, was
+with him, and she talked while I listened.  I am sorry to say she was
+in a very bad temper, and it seemed that the naughty Warden had kept
+her waiting for two hours during the afternoon.  She was by no means in
+love with France, and though I tried to soothe her I only succeeded in
+making her sarcastic; I thought the Warden ought to have protected me,
+but he had known his sister longer than I had, and probably had
+forgotten that she could make any one suffer.  He took no part in the
+conversation, and most obviously did not listen to it.  My mother was
+disappointed when I told her about the dinner, but I think that she had
+expected the Warden to give me advice as well as a meal.  She had
+formed the highest opinion of him, and said that he was so wise that he
+was the only man she knew who could afford to say foolish things.  But
+when my father heard that the foolish things were said about the Bishop
+he did not believe in the folly of them, for he could not forget that
+my uncle had once played stump cricket for three hours at a stretch.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When the time came for us to go back to England I could talk French
+without putting in one or two English words to fill up every sentence,
+but I did not think that Dover Station was the place in which to be
+told that I must not be satisfied until I could think in French&mdash;though
+what the station at Dover is the proper place for, I leave to people
+who are cleverer than I am.  I was so glad to get home again that the
+idea of thinking in French was quite comical.  My father and I were
+going to shoot together, and when he is shooting he forgets all the
+little grievances with which he has riddled his life and he is&mdash;though
+it makes me blush to confess it&mdash;the best companion in the world.  If
+he could only shoot all the year round I believe that Ritualists and
+Radicals would lose their powers of annoying him, and he might even end
+by admitting that our long-suffering cook makes curry which is fit to
+eat, and no more generous admission than that could be expected from an
+Anglo-Indian.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For nearly three weeks we lived in a state of peace and contentment
+which none of us thought dull, but during the first week of October I
+had a letter from The Bradder in which he said that he was on a walking
+tour and should be passing near our house.  There was only one answer
+for me to give, but I gave it reluctantly, for though I liked him I
+thought that if he and my father once started upon politics our calm
+season would be interrupted abruptly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Does he shoot?" my father asked, and I said that as he was walking for
+amusement he would probably only stay a few hours.  "We can't treat him
+like that; tell him to stay a week and send for his gun.  For the
+matter of that he can have one of mine.  I don't expect he will be able
+to hit a haystack," was his reply.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So I wrote again, and to my surprise The Bradder accepted the
+invitation and appeared a few days afterwards with no marks of the
+tourist upon him; for there is no mistaking people who are on walking
+tours, their anxiety to get on stamps itself upon their faces, and
+their luggage is generally on their backs or in their pockets.  He told
+us that his companion had broken down three days before, and that he
+had been back to Oxford to get his gun.  I never remember having seen
+anybody who looked quite so fit as he did, and my father, who had a
+kind of general impression that every tutor in Oxford was anaemic,
+seemed to be thoroughly pleased with him.  Thus I was lulled into a
+false state of security, for I had intended to warn The Bradder not to
+speak of politics while he was with us, but as every one took a fancy
+to him at sight I thought that I need not trouble to say anything.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was a lot of speculation about The Bradder's shooting, he shot
+whenever he got the ghost of a chance, but he added more to the noise
+than to the number of the bag.  He tried to persuade my father before
+he started that he was the worst shot in the world, but he was not
+believed until he had proved that he had spoken the truth.  He was,
+however, much happier in a bad than in a good place, and he seemed to
+be perfectly pleased as long as he could see an occasional bird to
+shoot at.  My father said that he was a good sportsman, though had he
+not liked him he would have called him a rank bad shot.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Two days passed by successfully, and then The Bradder discovered that
+there was an old abbey near us, and arranged with Nina to go over and
+see it.  Why in the world any one should want to see an abbey when he
+could shoot at pheasants, was more than my father could understand.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The abbey will be here the next time you come, let it wait," he said
+at breakfast.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should like to see it," The Bradder replied; "besides, I never kill
+anything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You needn't bother about that."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have promised Miss Marten to go, she said she would drive me over,"
+he replied, and any one could see that he didn't mean to shoot.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"As you like," my father said, and told me to be ready in ten minutes,
+though we were not going to start for an hour.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+On the top of this we had a very disappointing day, and finished up by
+getting wet through, so at dinner there were many more danger signals
+flying than were usual in the shooting season.  The Bradder, however,
+did not notice them, or if he did he thought them ridiculous, and he
+amused my mother and Nina very much, which under the circumstances was
+a grievous offence.  I found myself in the position of trying to catch
+my tutor's eye, so that I could warn him to be careful with my father,
+and although I realized the comedy of the position I did not appreciate
+it.  To make matters worse The Bradder would not drink any port, and as
+it was a wine of which my father was proud, he had to say that he never
+drank any wine at all before his refusal was accepted.  Teetotalism in
+the abstract was a thing which I was encouraged to believe in, but
+teetotalers, who did not know when to make an exception to general
+rules, were not approved of at our table when '63 port was before them.
+Everything seemed to be going most hopelessly wrong, and I was so
+anxious to get into the drawing-room that I made several exceedingly
+fatuous remarks.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You talk like a Radical," my father said in answer to one of them;
+"you want this changed and that changed, you had better go up to Hyde
+Park and take a tub with you, if you want to talk nonsense."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I probably shouldn't get two people to listen to me," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Strahan told me yesterday," he went on, "that they are teaching a lot
+of this Radical tomfoolery in Oxford now; he says his son has come home
+stuffed with it, thinks agricultural labourers are underpaid and all
+the rest.  Is it true, Bradfield?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should not say that the feeling at Oxford is as out-and-out Tory as
+it was, but the young Radical is often a very ridiculous man," The
+Bradder replied, and took a pear off the dish in front of him and began
+to peel it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Always," my father said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Not always; he may conceivably be very sane indeed."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Never."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bradder was quite willing to let the subject drop, but his pear was
+a mistake and prevented me from suggesting that we should go.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You sympathize with this Radical feeling?" my father asked him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"To some extent I share it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't believe it, I really can't&mdash;why, the Radicals want to ruin the
+army, spend no money on the navy, make magistrates of Tom, Dick, and
+Harry, and top everything by letting Ireland do what it likes.  They
+are a dangerous crew."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am not a Home-Ruler, though every one must admit that our way of
+managing Ireland up to the present has not been fortunate."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But you wouldn't try experiments with a volcano?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I would try any experiment with Ireland which it wants, and which I
+did not think dangerous," The Bradder said, and he seemed to be wholly
+occupied in trying to say as little as possible without appearing to be
+ashamed or afraid of his opinions.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So you are a Radical, but not a Home-Ruler.  Well, from the look of
+you, I should never have thought it.  You can go if you like, Godfrey;
+I should be glad to talk to Mr. Bradfield for a few minutes; he is the
+first Radical I have ever liked," and he smiled at The Bradder,
+anticipating triumph.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not go, and I am glad that I stayed, for both of them had to
+fight hard to keep their tempers, and their struggles fascinated me.
+From the beginning The Bradder made up his mind to treat the duel
+lightly, but my father pressed him hard, and occasionally provoked a
+retort which flashed.  For more than an hour they talked, and indignant
+servants, showing heads of expostulation, had to go away unnoticed.
+But The Bradder met explosions with what my father called afterwards
+rank obstinacy, and the man who explodes is naturally angry if he
+cannot get some one to explode back at him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Warden, from what I have heard of him, would not approve of your
+opinions," my father said at last.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He does not meddle with our politics," The Bradder answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's a wise man," my father returned, and The Bradder laughed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Warden talks about politicians as if they were an army of
+tuft-hunters, hunting for tufts which they will never find.  He refuses
+to speak seriously about politics."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The habit of being amused at our failures or cynical about them is
+becoming too common."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I could not help smiling at the quickness with which the Warden had
+been toppled off his seat of wisdom, and my father pushed his chair
+back impatiently.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Warden is, I believe, a strong Tory, and reserves his contempt for
+what he calls 'modern politicians.'"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I said he was a wise man," my father replied, and the Warden was
+reinstated.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is certainly," The Bradder answered, as we went into the
+drawing-room.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+During the next day I heard from Nina that The Bradder had been
+denounced as a very dangerous man, all the more dangerous because he
+was so attractive.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Father wants him to go," she said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He will have to go soon, because term begins in a few days," I
+answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But why shouldn't a man be a Liberal if he wants to be?  We are about
+a hundred years behind the times down here."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And had better stay there if we want peace," I added.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Are you a Liberal?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Goodness knows."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I like a man who knows what he is."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You mean you like The Bradder; why not say so?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Because I meant nothing of the kind.  We are going to walk over to
+Chipping Norbury, if you will come with us."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't.  I have promised to call on Mrs. Faulkner, who won't see me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Mrs. Faulkner has been rude to mother, and has behaved very
+foolishly," Nina said, in a way which she considered impressive and I
+thought humorous.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So The Bradder and Nina went to Chipping Norbury without me, and he
+stayed for three more days, by which time even my father did not want
+him to go, though he talked to my mother about him as one of those
+misguided young men who want England to stand on its head just to see
+what it would look like.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I found out afterwards that The Bradder described my father to some one
+as a mixture of cayenne pepper and kindness, and, since there was no
+harm in it, I passed it on.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I won't have people making up these things about me," he said, but he
+chuckled, and I am sure he liked the cayenne pepper part of the mixture.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap20"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XX
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+THE HEDONISTS
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+Fred Foster's people came back from India during the summer, and he
+spent all the vac with them, though I tried to make him come to us for
+the shooting.  He had, however, got an idea that Nina did not want him,
+and nothing I could do was successful in removing it.  I told him that
+Nina had been greatly improved by Paris; I did not like the expression,
+but I did not see why he should think it ridiculous.  Still, if he
+meant to be obstinate it was no use wasting time in writing letters at
+which he gibed, so I left him alone.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack Ward managed to appease his father, and having done it he set out
+on a campaign which for thoroughness beat anything I have ever
+discovered.  He went off at the end of July to stay with a tutor who
+coached him in history and rowing, and he stayed with him until the
+Oxford term began.  The tutor was a rowing blue who did not, from
+Jack's account of him, mind how little work his pupils did as long as
+they were ready to go on the river, but Jack assured me that he had
+read for four or five hours every day.  To start with a history coach
+two years before his schools struck me as being magnificent, but Jack
+would not hear a word against his way of spending the vac.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He may not know much history," he said to me when we got back to
+Oxford, "but he's a rare good sort, and he says I'm a natural oar.
+Besides, he's a sportsman."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's that?" I asked, for I used the word "sportsman" to mean so many
+things.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He doesn't bother people; you can play cards if you like, and he has a
+billiard table.  He is a nailer at cork pool."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Is he?" I said, and asked no more about him, for I have a horror of
+nailers at any sort of pool, having once been hopelessly fleeced by
+some of them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I won a pot," Jack went on gaily, "in the scratch fours at Wallhead
+regatta&mdash;I rowed in two regattas.  Not so bad; and now I've got to go
+down to the river every day and be coached by men who don't know the
+difference between an oar and a barge pole.  Well, it's all part of the
+game."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's the game?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Look here, Godfrey, something's happened to you.  You've gone stupid;
+it's <I>your</I> game.  To buck St. Cuthbert's up, get rid of these
+confounded slackers, squash them flat, and we are going to do it, you
+see if we don't.  Dennison was drunk last night or pretended to be, and
+he and his gang invaded a lot of freshers and then asked them all to
+breakfast.  That crowd are no more use to a college than a headache.
+Fancy coming to Oxford to be ragged by Dennison!"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It does seem rather futile."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Futile!" Jack exclaimed scornfully, and then proceeded to say what he
+called it; "but if you have given up caring what happens I shall chuck
+up the whole thing," he concluded.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have not given up caring, but I have tried once and got laughed at
+for my trouble.  I don't believe you can squash men like Dennison when
+they once get into a college; they are like black beetles, and you
+can't get rid of them unless you kill them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We can try," Jack said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I tried, and most men thought me a fool.  The only thing to do is to
+leave them alone; but the worst of it is that we can't help meeting
+Dennison at dinners and things.  He smiled on me the other day as if I
+was his best friend."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He didn't smile at me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I think he hates you; I can't get properly hated, when I try to show
+Dennison I loathe him he smiles.  There's something wrong with me
+somewhere."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are too rottenly good-natured."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I never thought of that," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's it," Jack declared; "I saw Lambert hitting you on the back in
+the quad this morning."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I told him that if he did it again I should throw Stubbs' Charters at
+his head," I replied in self-defence.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But, don't you see, Lambert would never hit me on the back.  He is one
+of the most gorgeous slopers we have got, and twangs his banjo for
+Dennison to sing what they call erotic ballads.  You've not got enough
+dignity."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Steady on," I said, for with too much of one thing and not enough of
+another I was beginning to think that it was about time for him to
+discover something of which I had the proper amount.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't get angry," he returned, "I only meant to explain why your shot
+to buck the college up failed.  You're too popular, that's it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I spoke plainly to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's no use talking like that," he went on; "say you'll help me, and
+we'll have a go at squashing this ragging lot.  It wouldn't matter so
+much if they could do anything decently, but they are the very men who
+ought to go and bury themselves because they won't try to do anything.
+Let us do something first and then have a good wholesome rag, but for
+heaven's sake let us shut up until we have done it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack had only just left my rooms when, as if to prove what he had said,
+Lambert strolled in and asked me if I would let him have lunch with me.
+My table-cloth was laid and I couldn't tell him that I was lunching
+out, so I told him that Murray was coming.  He replied that he liked
+Murray, and since that had failed I said that I was going to play
+footer and had very little time, but he answered that he would not be
+able to stay for more than half-an-hour.  Meals with Lambert were apt
+to get less simple as they went on, for he had a habit of saying that
+he wanted nothing and then of demanding port with his cheese and
+liqueurs to save him from indigestion, but I could not get rid of him,
+so apart from making up my mind that his luncheon should be as short as
+possible, I left him alone.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He read the paper for a few minutes and then asked me if I did not like
+his waistcoat.  It looked to me like some new kind of puzzle, so I
+asked him if he had the answer in his pocket, but he was looking at it
+thoughtfully and did not answer.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nice shade, isn't it?" he said presently.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought that there was more glare than shade about it and told him so.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's unique," he declared, and at last I was able to agree with him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Have you called on that man Thornton?" he asked, and stood up so that
+he could see his waistcoat and himself in the glass.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I never call on anybody.  I have had a lot of freshers to meals, but I
+don't know Thornton; he is supposed to be cracked, isn't he?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course he is.  We've got a splendid rag on.  I thought of it, and
+Dennison is going to work it out.  Do you think this coat fits properly
+in the back?  I met Collier this morning and he swore it didn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's the rag?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Clarkson came in with a message from Murray to say that he could not
+come to luncheon.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's a good job," Lambert remarked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought you liked Murray," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He would not have cared about our rag.  I don't suppose Collier knows
+when a coat fits, he's so fat that a petticoat would suit him better
+than a pair of trousers."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Here's lunch," I said, and as soon as I had got him away from the spot
+where he could examine his clothes, I asked again what was going to
+happen.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Thornton is absolutely green, Dennison will be able to do exactly what
+he likes with him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Poor brute."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can never make out why you pretend to hate Dennison, he wouldn't
+mind being friends with you; besides, it makes things very disagreeable
+for me."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't pretend anything," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"At any rate it's very stupid of you; you are both Mohocks, and ought
+to be friends."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I thought he had come on a peace mission, so, to prevent waste of time,
+I said what I thought of Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You make a mistake about him altogether," he said.  "Got any port?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You'll get as fat as Collier if you aren't careful, and it wouldn't
+suit you a bit," I replied, and stayed in my chair.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Port doesn't make people fat," but he spoke doubtfully.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You know best, but I should advise you to be careful.  What's the rag?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He shot his cuffs down and stroked his upper lip, as he always did when
+he was going to say anything which he thought interesting.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison is getting it up, which means that it will be jolly well
+done.  He has found out that Thornton knows nothing, so he is teaching
+him a lot.  To begin with, he has invented a society called 'The
+Hedonists,' which is supposed to get pleasure out of anything
+extraordinary, and he has filled up Thornton with the idea that he is
+the very man to be President if we can get him elected."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Does he believe all that?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He believes it all right; Dennison is splendid at that sort of thing.
+But we must make some opposition, or Thornton might think it was too
+easy a job, so we are getting Webb to stand against Thornton, and
+Dennison and I want you to propose him.  We thought it would be a
+chance to show that you didn't mean all that rot you talked about us
+last year."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I meant every word of it," I replied, but Lambert shook his head.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Really you didn't," he said.  "Dennison declares that you hate smugs
+and prigs and the sort of men who wear red ties and baggy trousers.
+Besides, you have fair rows with the dons yourself.  You are made to
+enjoy yourself; that's all about it, and it is time some benefactor
+told you so."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shan't have anything to do with this rag; it seems to be playing a
+pretty low-down game on a fresher, and if I can stop it I shall.  Tell
+Dennison that from me," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Lambert got up and put his fingers into the pockets of his waistcoat.
+"Don't be a fool, Marten," he said sadly, "if you had thought of this
+yourself you would have been delighted with the idea; it's so funny."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ask Jack Ward to help you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Ward!  Between ourselves Dennison and I think that Ward is rather a
+bounder."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'll tell him; he will be glad to hear it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You make me ill; can't you see that this is too good to miss?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You'd better leave this wretched lunatic alone; but if you stand there
+talking until you spoil the pockets of your waistcoat I shan't help
+you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He took his fingers from his pockets and rearranged his tie.  "You
+disappoint me greatly," he said, and strode out of the room.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Our footer match that afternoon was against Oriel, who play soccer
+better than rugger, so we beat them without much trouble.  Fred didn't
+play for them, because the captain of the 'Varsity team objected to his
+team playing in college matches, but he watched the game and came back
+to tea with me afterwards.  I wanted to give him a cheque for the fifty
+pounds I still owed him, for I had just got my year's allowance, and I
+thought I ought to pay him.  But he would not listen to what I said,
+and only tore up my cheque when I gave it to him.  "It's no use," he
+said, "you will only be short at the end of the year."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+That, I knew, was the truth, for economy was a thing which evaded me,
+however zealously I pursued it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But I hate owing you money," I said, "and by the end of the year
+something may have happened."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+He only laughed, and told me that if I couldn't borrow money, which he
+did not want, from him, I must be a fool, and before I could say any
+more Jack Ward appeared.  Fred and he did not seem to be very pleased
+to see each other again, and since they always got on my nerves I went
+into my bedder to finish dressing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Been staying with Godfrey this vac?" I heard Jack ask.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No; have you?" Fred answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Rather not," Jack said; "I've had no time to stay with anybody.  I'm
+trying to become a decent oar, and reading history&mdash;it simply takes all
+the time I've got.  I rowed a bit at school, but have never touched an
+oar for two years until last July."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's rather a grind, isn't it?" Fred said; but from that moment he
+seemed to change his opinion of Jack, and if I could be a fool about
+some things I feel quite certain that Fred had been bothering his head
+about nothing for a very long time, which was not very sensible of him.
+I don't believe that Jack ever understood why Fred disliked him, and
+after he had pulled Nina out of the river the second time, I think he
+began to regard her solely as a safe and easy way to a Humane Society's
+medal.  If Fred would only have believed that there are some things
+which cannot stand repetition, I should have been saved a lot of
+trouble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I went back to my sitter I found that the blight which had always
+settled upon them when they were together was disappearing quickly.
+They were talking quite amiably, and although I should have been glad
+to have said something to show that I noticed the change, I expect that
+it was prudent of me to be silent.  For the first time, as far as I
+could remember, we met without wondering how soon we could separate,
+and I had the sort of feeling which I should think a great-grandfather
+must have when he is celebrating his ninetieth birthday in the presence
+of his not too numerous descendants.  I just sat and felt placid for
+some time, until I woke up and told Fred that we were supposed to have
+a mad fresher in college.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You are always getting hold of freaks," he answered, and I asked him
+what he meant.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You've got about half-a-dozen men here whose names look as if they
+have been turned hind-before; St. Cuthbert's has always been a home for
+a peculiar brand of potentate."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Potentate!" I said scornfully; "besides, colour is not everything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Prince, if you like."  But I knew that he was trying to draw me on, so
+I said nothing.  To hear me in defence of my own college was, I am
+sorry to say, a great pleasure to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you know how this report of Thornton being mad began?" Jack asked.
+"I'm rather keen on this, and believe it can be made into a much better
+rag than Lambert and Dennison think.  It may be a chance to squash them
+altogether."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Lambert has been trying to persuade me to help," I said.  "I told him
+I would have nothing to do with his blessed rag."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The best of the whole thing is that I don't believe Thornton is a
+lunatic.  Collier says he isn't, and both Learoyd and Murray say he's
+not mad, but awfully clever or a humorist."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Murray!" I exclaimed, but Jack was losing the power to astonish me
+very much.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's all right, I met him in Learoyd's room," Jack said, and began to
+laugh.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So Thornton isn't mad after all, and you needn't talk about freaks," I
+told Fred.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you mind hearing about this?" Jack asked him; "it will be splendid
+if it only comes off.  It's like this: Lambert and Dennison are always
+looking out for freaks"&mdash;I wished he would not give Fred such chances
+to grin at me&mdash;"and Thornton's hair sticks up on end, and he never
+seems to know what he is going to do next.  Murray told me that he is
+like a very good pianist he met once, except that he can't play the
+piano.  At any rate he's odd, and that was the reason why Dennison
+asked him to lunch.  And Lambert, do you know him?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred shook his head.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is the kind of man who is built for processions and platforms and
+Lord Mayors' Shows," Jack explained; "he's gorgeous altogether."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I saw him at your smoker," Fred said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's one of the sights of the place, and he began to talk to Thornton
+about champagne."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He always talks about clothes or wine," I put in.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Thornton pretended&mdash;at least, I'll bet he pretended&mdash;to know nothing
+about champagne.  So Lambert told him the best brand was Omar Khayyam
+of '78, and that by a stroke of luck it could still be got at a place
+in the High.  They thought Thornton swallowed that all right, so
+Dennison told him that if he couldn't get Omar Khayyam he must get some
+Rosbach of '82.  After that they asked what sort of fly he used for
+quail; of course the man must have been simply too sick of them to say
+anything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Lambert never told me anything about the champagne," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I expect that was because he and Dennison nearly had a row about it;
+he swore that he thought about Omar Khayyam, and Dennison swore that he
+did&mdash;a rotten sort of thing to quarrel about, anyway.  I never heard of
+the man until yesterday.  I've often heard of Rosbach," he added.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's going to happen now?" Fred asked, and from some cause or other
+he was shaking with laughter.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack told him about the Hedonists, and finished up by saying that he
+must go to see Thornton.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What's the good of that?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I want to see if he isn't having a huge joke all to himself; if he is
+we may as well help him with it."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+As soon as Fred had gone away Jack persuaded me to go with him and call
+on Thornton.  He had got hold of a scheme which Murray and Learoyd had
+started, and as its object seemed to be to score off Dennison I was not
+going to be out of it.  We found Thornton sitting in an arm-chair with
+his feet on the mantelpiece, and Jack seeing that he was alone sported
+the oak so that we could not be interrupted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should think," Thornton said, as he pushed his chair back, "that I
+must have had over thirty men in here to-day.  There were seventeen
+before twelve o'clock.  I am thinking of putting a visitors' book in
+the passage, so that they can write their names and go away.  Are you
+going to back me up to-morrow night?" he asked Jack.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"They have persuaded you to stand?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Dennison says it would be such a bad thing for the college if this man
+Webb got in.  Of course it is a great honour for a fresher, but I am
+used to speaking; we have a debating society at home."  He spoke as if
+the whole thing was not in the least important, and ran his fingers
+through his hair until it stood straight up on end.  It was the sort of
+hair which looked like stubble.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack was so discouraged that he did not know what to say, so I asked
+Thornton if he expected to be elected.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that; there are only about
+thirty members, and quite half of them have promised to support me.
+Webb of course is better known, but in some cases it does no harm to
+keep oneself in the background until the last moment.  Then I shall
+speak."  He seemed to think that his speech would settle everything
+completely.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wandered round the room waiting for Jack to bring forward his scheme
+if he could remember it, but he was sitting on the table sucking at a
+pipe which had no tobacco in it, so I drifted over to a book-case, and
+nearly the first book I saw was an edition of <I>Omar Khayyam</I>.  This
+surprised me so much that I turned round to see if Thornton really
+looked like a lunatic, but I got no satisfaction from him, for I had
+once seen a man who might have been his brother, and then I had been
+playing cricket against an asylum.  He was lying back in his chair
+gazing at the ceiling, and I pulled <I>Omar Khayyam</I> out of the case and
+put it on the table for Jack to see.  Then I sat down and waited for
+results, but I had to make no end of signs before he would take any
+notice of the book, for he was in such a state of despondency that I
+believe he thought I was trying to talk on my fingers.  At last his eye
+fell on the book, and after I had nodded furiously at him, he jumped
+off the table and stood in front of Thornton.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You read <I>Omar Khayyam</I>?" he said, holding the book in his hand.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Thornton stopped staring at the ceiling and sat forward with his elbows
+resting on his knees.  "Yes," he answered; "at least, I used to until I
+knew it by heart."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's a good brand of champagne," Jack went on.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Are you a friend of Dennison's?" Thornton asked, and there was a kind
+of hunted look in his eyes.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm not," I hastened to tell him, and at that moment I looked at my
+watch and discovered that I had already kept The Bradder waiting for
+ten minutes, so I had to go just as things were becoming interesting.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack assured me afterwards that Thornton was not mad.  "But," he added,
+"he's very odd, and I believe he's in a mortal terror that, unless he
+goes on pretending to be a fool, these men will do something much worse
+to him than make him president of a society which doesn't exist.  So
+I've put Murray to speak to him; this will be the talk of the 'Varsity,
+and I don't see what good there is in keeping prize idiots.  I have
+told him to go on playing up to Dennison for a bit, and then we would
+help him."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I did not think, however, that it would be very easy to save Thornton,
+and when Collier and I went to the meeting of the Hedonists on the
+following evening we agreed that whether he was mad or only very
+simple, he was sure to be in for a bad time.  Although Dennison had
+moved into some of the biggest rooms in college, they were crowded when
+we got to them, and it was very difficult to get Collier inside the
+door.  Dennison and a few other men were sitting at a table at the far
+end of the room, and just as we arrived a fourth-year man got up to
+speak.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I suppose that his business was to explain why the Hedonists existed.
+At any rate, he said that it was his duty before he, as the out-going
+President, broke his wand of office to remind the Society that it
+existed for two definite objects&mdash;the pursuit of pleasure, and the
+suppression of vulgarity.  He then went on to state that Mr. Wilkins,
+formerly of St. Cuthbert's, had kindly consented to give an account of
+his travels in Central Africa.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Formerly of St. Cuthbert's," described Wilkins correctly, for he had
+been sent down after one term, and since then had been living an
+alcoholic existence in a farm-house a few miles outside Oxford.  His
+appearance was comical, but he was really a dreadful barbarian, who
+thought that it was better to gain notoriety as a hard drinker than to
+be forgotten entirely.  He began by telling us that he had never been
+to Central Africa, and hoped sincerely that he never should go.  He
+also told us that the reason why he was addressing the Society was a
+rumour that his aunt had met several African explorers at dinner, but
+he wished to say that she was no more of a lion-hunter than he was.  In
+this way he strove desperately to be amusing, but the struggle was very
+painful, and I was glad when he had finished.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The President then broke his wand of office, which for some obscure
+reason was a bulrush painted white, and Thornton and Webb, who had been
+sitting behind the table, were put up for election and called upon to
+speak.  Webb developed a stammer, and although he had his speech
+written on his shirt-cuff, no one could hear what he said.  He was,
+however, received with a lot of applause, so that Thornton might think
+the election was genuine; Dennison had certainly packed the meeting
+with great care.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Thornton's speech was, in its way, almost too amusing, for I found it
+very hard to believe that any one who was not more or less mad could
+possibly make it.  He spoke at a tremendous pace, sometimes talking
+utter nonsense, and then as if by chance saying something almost
+sensible.  Voting-papers were given to twenty-five picked men after he
+had finished, and Thornton was elected President by fourteen votes to
+eleven.  The meeting finished by Thornton thanking everybody in a voice
+which sounded tearful, and then he announced that the annual dinner of
+the Hedonists would be held at The Sceptre on the following Friday
+evening, at which the ceremonies of inauguration would be held, and he
+would be the only guest of the Society in accordance with its ancient
+and honourable traditions.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't you think he is mad?" I said to Jack as I walked across the quad
+with him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The only danger is that they may find out that he is rotting the whole
+lot of them.  He overdid the thing to-night.  Come and see Murray."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We found Murray waiting to hear what had happened at the meeting, and
+from the account we gave him he said that it could not have gone off
+more successfully.  "If you think Thornton mad when you know that he
+isn't, there is no reason for Dennison to change his mind.  Besides,
+these men are quite certain that he is cracked, and as long as we are
+careful they won't suspect anything."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We shall have to be most tremendously careful," Jack said, and he
+seemed to find the prospect oppressive.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'll manage Thornton," Murray continued, "and what you men have got to
+do is to get asked to this dinner.  We shall have to take some others
+into this."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We sat down and chose several men who disliked the Dennison gang, and
+who could be trusted not to give our scheme away by talking about it,
+and during the next few days we had to work hard.  Dennison and
+Lambert, however, were so confident that this dinner was going to be
+the finest rag ever held in Oxford that they did not mind who came to
+it.  Collier got several invitations for us, because he had a nice
+solid way of sitting down in a man's rooms and waiting until he was
+given what he wanted; but apart from Jack it was not difficult for us
+to get to The Sceptre, and at last even Jack was invited.  Murray said
+that his part was to prepare Thornton, and he refused to go to the
+dinner, because Dennison might wonder why he wanted to be there.  I
+thought that Murray carried caution to extremes.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I should think that there were nearly forty men at this function; but
+the only guest was Thornton, so he began by scoring something.  It was
+an elaborate affair; Dennison as Secretary of the Hedonists, and two or
+three men who called themselves Ex-Presidents, wore enormous badges,
+and Thornton's shirt was covered with orders and decorations which were
+supposed to have been worn by eighty-eight consecutive Presidents.  How
+any one who was sane could possibly consent to be made such a fool
+puzzled me altogether, and it required all Jack's assurances to make me
+believe that we should not be scored off all along the line.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After the dinner was finished Dennison got up to introduce the
+President of the year, but all he did was to give a short biography of
+Thornton, which for impudence was simply terrific.  Everything had gone
+so well up to then that I suppose he could not keep himself in hand any
+longer; but as he was bounder enough to pull Thornton's people into his
+speech, he succeeded in disgusting several men who had been helping him
+in the rag.  He finished up by saying that Thornton would give his
+inaugural address, and that afterwards the historic ceremonies of the
+Hedonists would be performed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+A man with a voice which was a mixture of a street hawker's and a
+parish clerk's stood up and chanted, "I call upon Mr. Edward Noel
+Kenneth Thornton to put on the purple presidential cap and to deliver
+his inaugural address to this ancient and historic Society."  The cap,
+which had a long black tassel, was then handed to Thornton, and he put
+it on amidst tremendous applause.  It made him look more ridiculous
+than ever, but he seemed to be perfectly calm when he got up and bowed
+solemnly in every direction.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Mr. Ex-Presidents and fellow-members of this justly-celebrated
+Hedonist Society," he began, and every word he said could be heard
+plainly, "we are here to-night in obedience to custom and in pursuit of
+pleasure.  Custom is one thing and pleasure is another, but we are
+fortunate in belonging to a Society which makes its customs pleasant,
+and which has such skilled hands to guide its pleasures that the word
+customary fails entirely to describe them."  He paused for a moment,
+and a man near me asked what he was talking about, but Webb answered
+quickly that he was a hopeless madman, and that the ceremonies would be
+the real joke.  "That I, a freshman," he continued, "should be elected
+President of this Society fills me with gratitude and even dismay, for
+I fear that the duties of so distinguished an office will be but
+inadequately performed during the coming year."  Loud cries of "No"
+followed this remark, and he went on, "You are good enough to disagree
+with me, and perhaps the ceremonies connected with my office may help
+me to fulfil my duties.  I will tell you what those ceremonies are."
+Dennison tried to stop him, but he was speaking quickly and took no
+notice of the interruption.  "After my address has been given I put on
+my robes of office and ride on a mule from here to St. Cuthbert's; I am
+to be accompanied by the band of the Society, and attended by six men
+who will carry syphons of Apollinaris water and prevent my robes from
+being soiled by the dust of the streets.  Had I known before I came
+here that so much honour was about to be showered upon me I do not
+think that I should have considered myself worthy of being your
+President.  I forgot to say that I am provided with an umbrella."  I
+looked at Dennison, and he did not seem to be feeling very comfortable;
+Thornton, however, had kept up the <I>rôle</I> of a madman thoroughly, and
+had spoken of the ceremonies as if he was quite prepared to carry them
+out.  Some men were shouting with laughter, but Jack was almost pale
+with anxiety, and whispered to me that he was afraid Thornton would get
+flurried and finish his speech too soon.  As soon as the laughter had
+stopped he went on speaking, and although he looked terribly pale and
+bothered, he was never at a loss for words.  "I am, I have been told,
+the eighty-ninth man to fill this important office, and when I think of
+my predecessors, some of whom have doubtless passed away, I am filled
+with a sense of my unfitness for the post which I fill.  The whole fate
+of this Society depends upon its President; without him to guide the
+members in their pursuit of pleasure they would be left to drift into
+undignified amusements, and might even end by taking such absurd things
+as degrees.  At all cost we must avoid banality."  As if in the
+excitement of the moment, he swept his hands over his head and knocked
+off his cap.  "However, my fellow Hedonists, I think I may say that
+your last President has entered earnestly into the spirit of this
+Society.  Its aim, you remember, is pleasure&mdash;not any vulgar or
+ordinary pleasure, but refined and exclusive amusement&mdash;that is written
+in the rules of the Society as they were given to me, and I need not
+remind those who are present to-night that it is their duty to obey
+them."  He rested his right hand on his shirt, and continued quickly,
+"I, at any rate, have obeyed them to the letter.  I have, if I may say
+so, got more amusement out of this evening than I have ever had in my
+life, and as your eighty-ninth President I declare this magnificent
+Society at an end."  Dennison, Lambert, and one or two others jumped
+up, but Thornton told them loudly not to interrupt him, and several of
+us shouted for him to go on with his speech.  "I have had an
+exceedingly good dinner, and my last word must be one of sympathy with
+Mr. Dennison, who, thinking that I was a bigger fool than he was, has
+invented a society of which, I am sure you will all acknowledge, he is
+the only man worthy to be President.  I hope that you will see that he
+performs the ceremonies which he has arranged for me."  As he finished
+he took off all his badges and tossed them across the table to Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+There was a good deal of noise during the concluding sentences of his
+speech, but the so-called Hedonists were so astonished that they did
+nothing, and Thornton very prudently did not wait to see what would
+happen next.  Dennison was in a miserable state because he was
+violently angry and trying to grin, and before the general hubbub had
+stopped, two men out of our eight, who had never forgiven him for
+laughing at their rowing, picked him up and carried him out of the
+room.  In a minute Dennison, with the purple cap on his head, was
+sitting on the donkey, and a procession had started to St. Cuthbert's.
+When we got back to college we succeeded in taking possession of the
+porter who answered our knocks, and in getting both the moke and
+Dennison into the quad.  I was so engaged with the porter that I did
+not see whether Dennison entered in state, but at any rate he had to
+ride round the quad two or three times, and crowds of men were there to
+see him do it.  Finally, the Subby and The Bradder appeared, and gave
+orders that the donkey should leave the college; so as soon as Dennison
+had dismounted, his steed was handed over to its owner, who was waiting
+in the street.  Then some of us paid a call on the porter to see if he
+could develop a bad memory for faces, but the only thing we found out
+from him was that his temper was bad, and that we had known before.  As
+I went back to my rooms I met Lambert, who drew himself up in front of
+me as if he was on parade.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't think," he said, "that you have heard the last of this."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We shall never hear the last of it," I answered,
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We know that you played this dirty trick."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You can know what you please," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I told you about Thornton, and then you prepare this behind our backs."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The whole college, and nearly the whole 'Varsity knew about Thornton,
+so you needn't talk such rot to me.  Crowds of out-college men were
+here to see him come in to-night."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You arranged the whole thing."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You may think whatever you like," I replied; and he strode away with a
+warning that I had better look out for myself.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap21"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XXI
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+ONE WORD TOO MANY
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+The collapse of the Hedonists placed me in a very curious position, for
+by some freak of fortune an idea spread through the 'Varsity that I had
+been responsible for it, and whenever I went to Vincent's I was always
+button-holed by men who asked me to tell them what had happened.  It
+was almost as bad as Nina falling into the "Cher," for a tale thirty
+times told is as flavourless as sauce kept in an uncorked bottle.  I
+could not say that Murray was the man to explain the whole thing, for
+he was most extraordinarily anxious that his name should not be
+mentioned.  I thought that he carried discretion beyond the bounds of
+decency, but Jack said that if it had not been for him we should never
+have made a fool of Dennison, and this was so far true that I stopped
+myself from making one or two forcible remarks.  The immediate result
+of our procession was that a great many people seemed to be
+incoherently angry.  I had interviews with both the Warden and the
+Subby, and I am sorry to say that our porter had told them that I had
+hit him in the ribs.  I had done nothing of the kind, but it was
+necessary that he should be taken for a short walk, and I did put my
+arm through his and keep myself between him and the donkey until it was
+safely in the quad.  I am sure that the Warden understood that I would
+not hit any one in the ribs, and I think his annoyance was due chiefly
+to the fact that some one had told a reporter a lot of things which
+were not true, and there were accounts of the Hedonists in some of the
+London papers.  But the fact of a donkey being in our quad had got on
+the Subby's nerves, and he gated me for a month without listening to
+what I had to say.  He also told me that I ought to consider myself
+very lucky not to be sent down for the term.  Several other men,
+including Dennison, were gated for a fortnight, and I had great
+difficulty in keeping Jack from going to the Subby, to ask him if he
+would not do something to him.  It was very silly of Jack to think of
+pushing himself into this row, but instead of thanking his stars that
+he had not been seen, he was furious with me when I told him to keep
+away from the Subby; and a lot of other men in St. Cuthbert's who would
+have been glad to help in squashing Dennison, were angry because they
+had never been told of our plans.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Collier, who had not been gated, told me by way of comfort that virtue
+is its own reward, but if this is true, I really think that virtue is
+badly handicapped, and that those who practise it should get something
+more substantial to satisfy them.  I began to think that if ever there
+was another attempt to do anything for the college I should be too busy
+to take any part in it.  There was, however, one thing which cheered me
+during these days of bad temper, and that was a report that Dennison
+and Lambert were vowing vengeance upon me.  I hoped most sincerely that
+they would try to do something, for I should have received them with
+pleasure.  But their threats never came to anything, for as the days
+passed by and every one knew how completely they had been scored off,
+their desire for revenge seemed to wane.  Ridicule smothered them, and
+try as they would to live it down, their influence, as far as the
+college was concerned, disappeared entirely.  Some of the set pulled
+themselves up and became more or less silent, while others continued to
+shriek at night, and to go to the theatre for the purpose of making a
+row, which seems to me to be nearly the end of all things.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In a week the Hedonists were almost forgotten, and when the storm had
+blown over, Murray was not so anxious that I should have all the credit
+of having caused it.  But by that time no one cared to know who had
+thought of preparing Thornton for the dinner, and Murray treated me as
+if I had robbed him of something.  I think he must have been working
+too hard, or suffering from some secret illness, for I had already told
+a hundred men that it was not in me to make a plot of any kind, and
+that if I had been responsible for this one it would never have been
+successful.  Murray's indignation came too late to have any effect, and
+as I thought he was quite unreasonable I made no attempt to pacify him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After things had settled down again no one could help seeing that the
+fall of Dennison and his friends had done no end of good to the
+college.  The men who can be only described as absolute slackers do not
+often get the chance of having any influence in a college, but for some
+reason or other Dennison had become the fashion among a certain set in
+St. Cuthbert's, and if we were ever to do anything properly again it
+was time for the fashion to change.  There are many ways of making
+yourself conspicuous in Oxford, and Dennison chose the one which the
+majority of men never have been able to put up with.  I think St.
+Cuthbert's during my first two years had most unusually bad luck; we
+were suffering, like the agricultural interest, from years of
+depression, and we tobogganed down the hill instead of trying to pull
+ourselves to the top of it again.  I suppose other colleges have their
+troubles, but while I was at Oxford no college had such a desperate
+struggle as St. Cuthbert's.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My interviews with The Bradder during the first two or three weeks of
+this term were most strictly business-like.  I was afraid that he would
+speak to me of the Hedonists, and as I had no intention of saying a
+word to him about them I never stayed with him longer than I could
+possibly help.  Dons, however, find out things without asking
+undergraduates, and the man who imagines that they are not troubling
+themselves about him is in danger of having rather a rude awakening, if
+he happens to be doing things which do not please them.  Our dons must
+have known all about Dennison, and I believe they fixed their eyes most
+steadfastly upon him.  At any rate, his father, who was a barrister,
+must have heard something, because he paid a surprise visit to Oxford.
+There is something horribly mean about surprise visits, whatever
+information may be got from them, and for the first time in my life I
+felt a little sympathy for Dennison.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Whether his father thought this visit successful or not I do not know,
+but he certainly found out a lot in a short time and came to a very
+definite decision.  He called on Dennison at ten o'clock and found him
+sleeping, he called again at twelve o'clock with the same result; at
+one o'clock he discovered him sitting at breakfast in his
+dressing-gown.  Lambert was unfortunate enough to hear some of the
+interview which followed, and he said that Dennison's defence was very
+clever, but that he broke down under cross-examination.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I have never seen such a man as old Dennison," I heard Lambert telling
+some one in the common-room; "he looked like a piece of marble, and
+when I went in and wanted to bolt he treated me as if I was an
+office-boy, and said that as he believed I was a particular friend of
+his son's it would do me good to stay.  The worst of it was that
+Dennison wasn't very well, and was having a pick-me-up with his
+brekker.  He wasn't in bed until four this morning, so it's no wonder
+he didn't look very fit."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+On the following afternoon Dennison left Oxford; he was not sent down
+by the dons, but had to go for the simple reason that his father said
+he would not let him stay any longer.  His friends took him down to the
+station, and there was a procession of cabs and a noise, but I am sure
+that there was a feeling of relief in the college when he had gone.
+Jack and I told each other that we were sorry that his end had come so
+suddenly, although if any one had asked me what I meant, I am sure that
+I could not have given any explanation.  It is not very hard to guess
+what would have happened to him if his father had not acted as he did,
+and if you have to leave Oxford abruptly I should think the best way is
+to be hurried off by your people; it must save so many explanations
+when you get home.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+What happened to Dennison I cannot say; somebody said that he was going
+round the world or on to the Stock Exchange, but Lambert denied both
+these reports, and declared that he had reformed so violently that he
+had become a teetotaler and intended to wear a blue riband in his
+button-hole.  I doubted the blue riband part of the story, and if
+Dennison ever wore one I think it would only be on Boat-race day, for
+it takes a tremendous lot of courage to wear a badge of any kind.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After Dennison had disappeared, Jack and I saw The Bradder nearly every
+day.  His keenness on the college increased instead of wearing off with
+time, and he seemed to be exactly the right kind of man to be a don.
+His energy was really terrific, and I received more goads than I could
+endure conveniently, so I passed some of them on to Jack and chose
+those which I liked the least, not, I am afraid, the ones which Jack
+might be inclined to receive with patience.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bradder persuaded me to join both a Shakespearian and a Browning
+Society, and as I could not plunge into such things by myself I dragged
+Jack with me.  The Shakespearian Society was pleasant enough, but after
+two meetings of the Browningites Jack said flatly that he would not go
+again.  Some of the Browning men objected to the windows being opened,
+and it is very difficult to keep awake in a stuffy room when you have
+been taking hard exercise in the afternoon.  Jack, at any rate, snored
+so loudly at the second meeting that he shocked the President, and when
+he woke up he interrupted a discussion by giving a very fluent lecture
+on the advantages of ventilation.  I expect that he would have been
+turned out of the society if he had not resigned, and I ought not to
+have dragged him into it, for he was so violently bored by the whole
+thing that he declared he must have a little pleasure to make him
+forget all about it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Something in the open air," he said to me, when he came to my rooms on
+the morning after he had snored, and he looked at a volume of <I>Stubbs'
+Constitutional History</I> as if he was very tired of it.  I was also
+feeling rather dull, for I had already got through a fortnight of my
+gating, and to be kept in college after nine o'clock night after night
+is not very exciting.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A little change is what we want," Jack went on, as I said nothing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't do much," I answered; "I'm gated and you have got to row."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I've got a day off to-morrow; the stroke of my boat has to go to town
+and bow's ill."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why not have a day's hunting?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There is a little race-meeting down below Reading; you pulled me into
+that Browning thing and it is only fair for you to come to this."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"But I shan't be back in time."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's only about twenty miles beyond Reading, and there's no footer
+match, because I've looked to see.  Let's get Bunny Langham and have a
+rest, it will do us all no end of good.  Bunny is going in for
+politics&mdash;his father was President of the Union, and he has got to be,
+if he can.  I should think that there are more Presidents of things in
+Oxford than any other place in the world, unless it's Cambridge; but
+Bunny will stick some of his own poetry into his speeches, and the men
+at the Union don't like it.  You can tell him that if ever he expects
+to be President he must stop that game, he takes no notice of what I
+say about poetry.  You'll come?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We looked up trains and found out that we could be back by half-past
+six, so I said that I would go, and Jack went off to see Bunny Langham.
+As far as racing was concerned the Horndeane meeting was not very
+interesting, for there was not a close finish in any race which I saw,
+but if any one has a fancy for picking up very inexpensive horses I
+should advise them never to miss Horndeane.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was strolling about with Bunny and Jack after one race, and saw the
+winner of it brought out for sale.  It fetched a hundred and sixty
+guineas, and Jack said it was "dirt cheap."  Then another horse was put
+up, and I was surprised to hear some one bid ten guineas.  Such an
+offer seemed to me ridiculous for a race-horse, so without thinking,
+and just to help things on a bit, I said "eleven," and strolled on with
+Jack; but before we had gone far some one was asking my name, and
+another man was asking me what I wished him to do with the horse.  So
+many questions bothered me, and I tried to explain that I had made a
+mistake when I had said "eleven," but it seemed as if such mistakes did
+not count for much.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The horse is yours," one man said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"And he's got the temper of a fiend," the other man added, "and I
+should like you to find some one to take him at once."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I was quite prepared to give him away if I could find any one foolish
+enough to have him, but Bunny wouldn't hear of it, and declared we
+would take him back to Oxford with us.  "He may be a gold mine, who
+knows?" he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Jack laughed so much, that while I was surrounded by a lot of impatient
+people he was unable to help me at all, and I can tell those who have
+never had to suffer as I did, that to become an owner of a race-horse
+suddenly is a very awkward experience.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My brute was called "Thunderer," and the man who had got hold of him
+said that his name was the only good thing about him, for he roared
+like the sea.  I wished heartily that some one would steal my horse,
+but every one seemed to be most distressingly anxious to keep as far
+away from him as possible.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I suppose Bunny knew all about racers, for in a few minutes he had
+arranged for a horse-box to be put on our train, and Thunderer
+disappeared.  I seemed to spend the remainder of the afternoon in being
+asked for money by people who said they had done or were going to do
+something for me.  I found that my exalted position brought many
+burdens with it, and I was very glad when we left the race-course.
+Unfortunately, however, we trusted to Bunny's watch, and when we got to
+the station, which was on a little branch line, our train to Reading
+had gone.  There had been some bother about the horse-box, and the
+station-master and a number of people who took an unabating interest in
+me were quarrelling when we arrived.  I sat down on a bench and left
+Bunny to talk to them; I have never been so tired of anything in my
+life.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Even if the next train was punctual we had to wait for an hour, and by
+no chance could we reach Oxford before half-past seven.  We should have
+been annoyed in any case, but Jack and I were very irritated because
+the Mohocks were meeting that evening, and we had men dining with us.
+The only thing to do was to telegraph and ask some one to look after
+our guests until we came, but the station had no telegraph-office, and
+if we wanted to send a telegram we had to go down to the village.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+A porter assured us that we could get to the post-office in ten
+minutes, and that the road was quite straight.  I don't know what he
+was thinking about, possibly of a bicycle and daylight, for the way to
+the village needed a lot of finding, and it took us quite half-an-hour
+to reach the post-office.  By that time a thick fog had risen.  We
+tried, and failed, to get any kind of vehicle to take us back to the
+station, so we started to run and lost our way.  The natural result was
+that we missed another train, and the stationmaster, who must have had
+an especial dislike for me, had not sent on the horse-box, and was more
+angry than ever.  Of all the obstinate people in the world I think a
+station-master at a small station can be easily first, and our efforts
+to soothe him produced no effect whatever.  Everything he said began
+with "I know my business," and I have always been inclined to doubt
+people who try to crush me with such unnecessary information.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We got away eventually, but my misfortunes were not finished.  Our
+train was very late at Reading and there was no longer any chance for
+me to be in college by nine o'clock.  Jack, too, was bothered about the
+men whom he had asked to dinner, and Bunny alone remained in a state of
+unruffled contentment.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When the train came at last I got into a carriage with only a glance at
+the people in it, and tried to go to sleep, but Bunny kept on talking
+about Thunderer and had magnificent schemes for my future benefit.  I
+regret to say that he was in what must have been a sportive mood, and
+asked me to choose my racing colours and my trainer.  He kept up a long
+series of questions which I did not answer, but which prevented me from
+going to sleep.  I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Jack slumbering
+in a corner, but when I looked at the man opposite to me I became most
+thoroughly awake.  This man, as far as I remember anything about him
+when I got into the carriage, had his head buried in a newspaper; now
+he was revealed as Mr. Edwardes, and having wished me "good-evening,"
+he added&mdash;quite superfluously&mdash;that he was surprised to see me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Bunny with more curiosity than good manners put on his glasses to look
+at Mr. Edwardes, and I, having to say something, thought that I might
+as well introduce them to each other, though I took care to mumble
+Bunny's name so that it could not be heard.  Mr. Edwardes bowed and
+opened his paper again, but Bunny having arrived at the fact that I was
+face to face with a don of some kind, thought he would try to pass the
+time pleasantly.  Considering what he had already said about
+race-horses nothing could have been more fatuous than his attempts to
+explain why I was not in Oxford.  He began by talking about British
+industries, and in a minute was saying that he thought a visit to
+Huntley and Palmer's biscuit manufactory was well worth a visit to
+Reading.  I kicked and nudged him incessantly, for the snubs which he
+received from Mr. Edwardes only seemed to encourage him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The distance between Reading and Oxford is happily not great, but by
+the time we had finished our journey I was in a state of profound
+discomfort, and though I had no love for Mr. Edwardes, I thought that
+Bunny might have had the sense to know that if he was amusing himself
+he was making things more difficult for me.  His explanation was that a
+man who looked like a frozen image was just as likely to believe that I
+had been inspecting Huntley and Palmer's manufactory as buying a
+race-horse, and at any rate it was a good thing to try and mix him up a
+little, but I can't say that I thought the explanation a good one.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When we got to Oxford a man from a livery-stable was waiting for
+Thunderer, and Jack and I reached St. Cuthbert's just as the Mohocks
+were coming back to college after playing pool.  It was half-past ten
+before I could explain things to the men whom I had asked to dine with
+me, and when they heard that I had been buying a race-horse they
+thought that my excuses were good enough.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bradder was dining with the Mohocks that evening, and when the
+out-college men had gone away he asked me to come to his rooms and have
+a smoke.  I looked at Jack, and The Bradder said at once, "Ask Ward to
+come with you," and walked off across the quad.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We told him exactly what we had been doing, and I think Mr. Edwardes
+would have been rather surprised to see how he laughed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What would Colonel Marten say if he knew you had bought a race-horse?"
+he asked me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I hope to goodness he never will know," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What are you going to do with him?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sell him&mdash;if I can; Langham's got him in the stables where he keeps
+his horses, and if you would like to have a look at him, I'll take you
+round."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But The Bradder shook his head.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You say Mr. Edwardes saw you at Reading, and that you are gated, and
+were not in college until ten o'clock.  I wish you would not do such
+stupid things," he said quite seriously.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It was the reaction," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"From what?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Browning," I said, and The Bradder did not look altogether pleased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am sorry you can't appreciate Browning."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't appreciate very many things at once.  Besides, Jack and I felt
+very dull."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Mr. Edwardes saw you, I suppose?" he asked Jack.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I should think so, but I don't think he knows me by sight."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Oh yes, he does," The Bradder said.  "Both of you are bound to hear
+more about this."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's very unfortunate," Jack remarked; "you see there was a fog, and
+all sorts of unexpected things happened.  It has been a real bad day,"
+he added, as we left the room.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+On the following morning directly after breakfast Jack and I went round
+to see Bunny, and we found him talking to a man who looked like a groom
+from his head to his heels.  I groaned.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Sit down, Sam," Bunny said.  "That's Mr. Marten, the owner of the
+horse you are talking about."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, all I can say is what the Guv'nor told me to say.  I was to say
+this 'oss must leave our place this morning or there'll be trouble."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There seems to have been trouble already," Bunny replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"'E's done enough damage for twenty 'osses.  Kick, you should see 'im;
+'e's kicked a loose box silly.  Our Guv'nor's fairly got 'is rag out."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He must wait until I've finished breakfast.  You'd better have a
+cigarette, Sam."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, thank you," Sam answered, and looked at a cigar-box.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Help yourself," Bunny said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Sam helped himself and remarked that he had been up since five o'clock
+with that blessed 'oss, and that it was thirsty work.  So he helped
+himself again.  After that he did not seem to mind so much what the
+Guv'nor said, and told Bunny that he had never met a nobleman who
+didn't know how to treat people properly.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We talked to Sam for some time, and just as Bunny was finishing
+breakfast another man came into the room.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I had forgotten all about you," Bunny said.  "I'm afraid this place is
+rather full of smoke," and he introduced his cousin, Mr. Eric Bruce.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't congratulate you on your memory," Bruce replied; "you forgot I
+was going to stay with you last night, and you forget I want any
+breakfast.  Funny chap, Augustus, isn't he?" he said to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Your wire never came until I had gone yesterday, so I couldn't forget
+you were coming," Bunny said, and rang the bell.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'll tell the Guv'nor you'll be round in 'alf a jiffy," Sam said, and
+went out of the room jerkily, as if he had got a stiff leg.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"What curious friends you have, Augustus, and what is ''alf a jiffy'?"
+Bruce asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't be a fool," Bunny answered, "and don't call me Augustus."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"It's better than Gussy," Bruce declared, and though I should have been
+glad to contradict him, for I disliked him at sight, there is no doubt
+that he was right.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Is the man, who has gone, an elderly undergraduate or only a don?"
+Bruce went on.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's from some stables round the corner.  Any one with two eyes could
+see that."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Rude as usual; my cousin's the oddest man," Bruce said to Jack.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Like to buy a horse?" Bunny asked him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I'm ready to buy anything if I can sell it at a profit," he answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Well, swallow your breakfast and come and have a look.  You'll get
+your profit all right.  I've never known you when you didn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In a few minutes we all went to the stables, and Bunny began haggling
+operations.  Bruce bid a "fiver" for Thunderer, and was told he would
+fetch that for cats' meat, and then the game went on.  In the end Bruce
+said he would give fifteen guineas, and take him to London that day.  I
+nearly seized him by the hand, and told him he was a rare good sort,
+which I was quite convinced he was not.  The livery-stable man did not
+seem to care what happened as long as Thunderer went away, and I must
+say that he made the least of his eccentricities.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"That's a bit of luck," Bunny said to me when the bargain was settled,
+"I get rid of my cousin and a horse on the same day, both real bad
+lots.  He's our family pestilence," and he nodded at Bruce's back.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For Jack's benefit I added up the result of my investment, and came to
+the conclusion that I was about eighteen-pence to the bad when I had
+paid for the damage Thunderer had done, and all the little incidental
+expenses connected with him.  You can't own a race-horse for nothing,
+and I think that I&mdash;or rather Bunny&mdash;did well.  I was told afterwards
+that Bruce raffled my horse and sold fifty tickets for a sovereign
+each, but I am not inclined to believe that story, and at any rate I
+should not have known where to find fifty fools.  I certainly could not
+have discovered them in Oxford, where some people, who have never been
+there, make the mistake of thinking they are to be found in crowds.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I believe the dons held a meeting about Jack and me, for The Bradder
+told us there was a great difference of opinion about the sort of men
+we were.  I tried to get more out of him, but failed.  However, we got
+off lightly, for Jack was only gated for a week, while I was given a
+lecture by the Subby, and had a week added to my term of imprisonment.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bradder also advised me to give up going to race-meetings.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap22"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XXII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+A TUTORSHIP
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+I was beginning to forget that I had ever been the owner of a
+race-horse when I got a furious letter from my father.  The Warden had
+told my uncle, and my uncle lost his head and wrote to my people
+instead of to me.  A tale of this kind always flies round at a
+tremendous pace, and it was difficult to make every one believe that I
+had never meant to buy the horse, and that as soon as I had bought him
+my one desire was to get rid of him.  I found out afterwards that the
+Warden only told my uncle because he thought the tale would amuse him,
+but apparently he expressed himself in such very curious language that
+he gave the impression of being annoyed.  After I had soothed my people
+the Bishop wrote to me that the turf had been the ruin of many young
+men, but when I thought of the part I had played upon it I came to the
+conclusion that I was not likely to be added to the number.  My uncle
+referred to racing as "a fascinating and very expensive pleasure," and
+I assured him that I had not found it fascinating, and that my
+experience had cost me eighteen-pence, the cheapness of which he had to
+admit.  I am glad that I added up my expenses, for that eighteen-pence
+was very useful, it was such a delightfully ridiculous sum to brandish
+at any one who thought that I was trotting down the road to perdition.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+During the rest of the term we were very quiet in St. Cuthbert's.  I
+was able to play rugger for the college in nearly every match, for my
+days in the 'Varsity fifteen had ended.  Hogan was better than ever,
+while I had fallen away to the kind of man who Blackheath ask to play
+for them when half their team are crocked and the other half have
+influenza.  I did not mind, however, for our college fifteen was only
+beaten by Trinity and Keble, and our soccer team, chiefly owing to
+three or four freshers, was also much better than it had been for years.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Things were improving all round, and Jack's energy was almost
+exhausting to those who watched it.  He seemed to me to be hunting for
+societies to join, and he went round sampling them and finding out that
+they did not suit him.  Bunny Langham succeeded in getting himself
+elected Secretary of the Union, and he told me that he was going to
+have several cabinet ministers down to speak in the following term, and
+should give them a jolly good dinner.  He asked Jack and me to meet
+them, but only one of them came, and he did not dine with Bunny.  His
+father, who was in the Government and held the record for the number of
+speeches he had made in the House of Lords, came down once and wanted
+to come again, but he spoke for such a tremendously long time that
+Bunny declared that he should give up all hopes of being elected
+President if he ever came again.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In the Lent term Jack rowed six in our Torpid, and also told me that he
+thought he should try and get his blue for throwing the hammer.  He had
+never thrown the hammer in his life, but he said that he knew what it
+was like and any one could throw it.  I suppose that was true, but
+Jack, when he tried, found that there were other men who could throw it
+a greater distance than he could, which did not trouble him in the
+least.  He remarked that the hammer was a silly thing after all, and
+that he should think of something else.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But the Torpid occupied so much of his time and attention that he gave
+up seeking for a curious way in which to get his blue, and settled down
+to train in a most determined manner.  The sight of me eating muffins
+for tea seemed to be almost an insult to him, I really believe that he
+would have liked me to train with him, though I had nothing whatever to
+train for.  He did persuade me once to run round the Parks before
+breakfast, but I didn't repeat the experiment, for I felt quite fit
+without being restless in the early morning.  Of course I had the
+Torpid to breakfast, and their confidence in themselves was as great as
+their appetites.  You can't, I think, give breakfast to a Torpid and
+like them at the same time, and I have never acted as host to a Torpid
+or an Eight without being struck by the fact that of all men in the
+world I was the most supremely unimportant.  Occasionally Jack and
+another man remembered that I was not very interested in the amount of
+work the Corpus stroke did with his legs, and made as great an effort
+to drag me into the conversation as I made to keep in it.  But the
+effort was very apparent on both sides, and I gave up when I heard that
+seven in the Merton boat used his oar like a pump-handle, and that
+there was not a single man in the Pembroke crew who pulled his own
+weight.  This last statement compelled me to ask if Pembroke hoisted a
+sail on their boat and waited for a favourable wind, but my question
+was treated with scorn, and I came to the usual conclusion that the
+best place to see a Torpid collectively is in a boat.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The confidence of our men depressed me, for I had most conscientiously
+played the part of host to previous Torpids and Eights, who had been
+equally confident until the racing began.  After that they had either
+complained of their luck or their cox, and I asked Jack when I got him
+by himself if he really thought our boat was going up.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I don't know," he replied, "we plug hard, and thinking you are bound
+to bump everybody is part of the game.  It's no use starting to race
+with your tail down."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The papers considered that we were bound to rise, but for two years
+they had been saying that and all we had done was to lose more places.
+I wished that I could meet some one who was not sure about the success
+of our boat, and at last I discovered him in Lambert, who said our crew
+looked like a picnic party, which had gone too far out to sea, and had
+to plug for all they were worth to get back before night.  Then I
+defended them and felt more happy.  The fact was the Torpids were a
+sort of test case; if we went up I felt we should have fairly turned
+the corner, but if we went down I was afraid our fit of enthusiasm
+would cool rapidly.  No one who was rowing in them could have been more
+excited than I was.  The Bradder noticed it and complained, but for the
+moment I was incapable of caring much about things which had happened,
+and after all there is something to be said for anybody who is really
+keen on one thing, if he does not make himself a very terrific bore.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+On the first night of the races we got a dreadfully bad start, and for
+two or three minutes we were in danger of being bumped.  Then we
+settled down and began to draw close to Corpus, but our cox was too
+eager and made unsuccessful shots at them.  After the second shot I
+could not run another yard, so perhaps a little training might have
+done me good, but we did catch Corpus at the "Cher," and that began a
+triumphant week.  We made seven bumps, and though a lot of men said our
+crew showed more brute force than science, it must have been nonsense,
+because we went up from fourteenth to seventh, and when a boat gets
+fairly high in the First Division there is sure to be some one in it
+who can row properly.  The stroke of the 'Varsity eight told me that
+the best man in our Torpid was Jack and I believed him very easily.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He could be made useful in the middle of a boat with a bit of
+coaching," he said to me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You'll be up next year, so look out for him," I answered, and I told
+him that I thought Jack was a splendid oar, which was no use because he
+only laughed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I had become so accustomed to a dismal return to college from both the
+Eights and Torpids that the change was quite delightful, and on the
+last day of the races we had a huge "bump" supper in hall.  From that
+supper some of our dons stood aloof and were even said to disapprove of
+it, but the Warden was present for the greater part of it, and the
+Bursar and The Bradder entered into the spirit of the thing with a zest
+which was splendid.  There were also two or three more dons, who had
+been undergrads of St. Cuthbert's, but who now belonged to other
+colleges, and they seemed to know that there are times when it is well
+to forget that you are a don.  We entertained two members of each of
+the crews which we had bumped, and I cannot say that any of them seemed
+to be dispirited by their bad fortune.  Indeed, as the evening went on
+they became exceedingly lively, and some of them were inclined to swear
+everlasting friendship with any one who liked demonstrations.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After supper we had a lot of speeches, but it was impossible to hear
+many of them, for everybody wanted to speak and no one to listen.  I
+did hear the opening sentence of one speech, "Gentlemen, I used to be
+able to row once," but I heard no more, for the next words were drowned
+in loud cries of "Shame" and "No, no," and the don who wished to tell
+us his personal reminiscences just stood and smiled at us.  He had been
+in the St. Cuthbert's boat when it had been head of the river and did
+not mind anything.  Before we left the hall there were two men speaking
+at once at our table, it was a great chance to practise oratory.  I
+have never been at a more convivial supper, and since we had not been
+given an opportunity of celebrating anything for ages it is no wonder
+that we made a tremendous noise.  Some people may wag their heads at
+bump suppers and call them silly, or whatever they please, but they
+have forgotten the joy of living, and find their chief delight in
+criticizing the pleasures of those who are younger and happier than
+themselves.  I suppose they are useful in their way, but thank goodness
+their way is not mine.  You can't expect an undergraduate to celebrate
+seven bumps by standing on the top of a mountain and watching a
+sunrise, or by some equally peaceful enjoyment.  He wants noise, and he
+generally manages to get it.  I know that I was very pleased with that
+evening and felt as if it had been well-spent, but when I tried to
+describe it to Mrs. Faulkner, she shrugged her shoulders and said that
+it was most childish, for she couldn't understand that it was very nice
+to let yourself go a little when there was a good reason for doing it.
+I believe she was one of those people who are ashamed of ever having
+been children, and if she lived to be a hundred years old and kept all
+her faculties she would never understand what a peculiar mixture makes
+up life at Oxford.  I did not tell her about the bonfire which we had
+in the back quad after supper, because I am sure she would have thought
+that either I was lying or that most of the men in St. Cuthbert's were
+a set of lunatics.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Two or three dons, who could appreciate festivities, danced round the
+bonfire quite happily, and evidently enjoyed themselves.  They were
+very popular; too much so possibly for their own comfort, for one of
+them who was, except on especial occasions, a most prim and proper
+person, was seized by a man, who looked upon him as his very dearest
+friend, and carried round the bonfire at galloping pace.  After that
+the dons disappeared and we had a dance in the hall.  I should think
+the band must have been as keen on exercise as we were, for the music
+got faster and faster as the evening went on, and it was impossible to
+keep time, but that did not matter.  In our battels at the end of the
+week we were all charged half-a-crown for refreshing the band, so that
+they could not have gone away hungry&mdash;or thirsty.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+An outburst of this kind is something more than a custom honoured by
+time, for it clears the air and you can settle down afterwards quite
+easily.  I had smuggled myself into the festivities which other
+colleges had given, but I had never enjoyed myself half as much as I
+did at our own.  We had done something at last which was worth a
+bonfire, and a bonfire with no one to dance round it has never yet been
+lighted in an Oxford quad.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bradder thought that our supper had gone off very well, although he
+had seen one of his fellow-dons treated too affectionately, and had
+rescued him.  But he knew such things did not really mean anything, for
+you can't expect men who have just come out of strict training to
+behave quite like ordinary mortals.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I wanted to fish during the Easter vac, but my vacs were beginning to
+get out of hand, for make what plans I would&mdash;and I made very pleasant
+ones&mdash;somebody was always at work to upset them.  I meant to take Fred
+home with me and play cricket in a net if the weather was warm, and
+fish a little stream near us, but the Bishop had found something else
+for me to do, and my schemes came to nothing.  At the end of the term I
+only went home for two days, and then had to start off on a tutorship.
+It is no use pretending that I went without vigorous protests.  I said
+that I had never tutored anybody in my life, and was met by the answer
+that everything had to have a beginning, which is such an appalling
+truism that it ought never to be uttered.  I then stated that I was
+sorry for the boy who had me as a tutor, though I meant, of course,
+that I was sorry for myself, and my mother replied that she should miss
+me very much, but that she had talked the whole thing over with my
+father, and they both thought the experience would be good for me.
+What could I say to that?  Besides, it was too late to back out.  The
+people, I was told, were charming, and I was to take charge of a boy
+aged twelve, who was home from school because he had been having
+measles.  The boy was also charming, everybody and everything seemed to
+be exactly right; but I thought I saw the Bishop peeping through all
+these descriptions, and charming is a word which has no great
+attractions for me, it is so comprehensive and can mean such a
+multitude of things.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+But as I had to go I went cheerfully, and I should not think that any
+one ever started on a tutorship knowing less than I did about the
+people to whom I was going.  My whole stock of knowledge consisted of
+their name, which was Leigh-Tompkinson, of the place where they lived,
+and of the fact that the boy had been ill.  I had, however, no doubt
+that I should be able to get on with them if they could only put up
+with me; they were, I was assured, friends of the Bishop, and I did not
+think that he would urge me to go to any people whom I should not like.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I arrived at the house I was shown into a drawing-room in which
+there were at least eight ladies and not a single man.  My reception
+was almost effusive.  Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson insisted that I was cold,
+tired, and dying of hunger, but I had only travelled forty miles, and
+the day was warm.  I wanted nothing except a sight of Mr.
+Leigh-Tompkinson, and I had an awful feeling that there was not such a
+man.  It struck me suddenly that no one had ever spoken of him to me,
+and my courage decreased.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You would like to see Dick," one lady said to me, and everybody asked
+where he was, and nobody knew or seemed to care very much.  The desire
+for him passed off as quickly as it had come, and in half-an-hour I was
+playing a four-handed game at billiards with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson as a
+partner, and two ladies as our opponents.  My partner played better
+than I did, and we won; we then played two other ladies, and in the
+middle of the second game Dick came into the room.  One glance at him
+told me that he was all right, and I should have been very glad to go
+away with him.  He remarked to me at once that I was "at it" already,
+which told me a good deal.  No one took any notice of him except to
+tell him not to fidget, and as he was not fidgeting I thought he was
+very amiable to receive such unnecessary orders in silence.  Before
+dinner I was able to have a few minutes alone with him, and my fears
+about Mr. Leigh-Tompkinson were realized&mdash;he was dead.  We also made
+some plans for the next day, which were never carried out.  In fact,
+try as I would for many days, and I adopted many artifices, I could
+hardly ever spend more than an odd half-hour with him, there was always
+something which his mother thought much more important for me to do.
+The house was full of people, most of whom were ladies, though none of
+them were what I called young; but there were two men there all the
+time, who were the mildest beings I have ever met.  I don't think
+either of them liked me, and I am sure I did not like them; their
+wildest amusement was a little, a very little golf, and their chief
+employment was to make themselves generally useful.  Everybody, with
+the exception of Dick and me, seemed to be trying to be young again, it
+was a most melancholy spectacle.  For some time I could not understand
+how Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson could be a friend of my uncle's, but at last
+a Miss Bentham, who was always ready to talk, told me that the
+house-party were having their holidays before they went back to London
+for the season.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"In London my cousin has so much to do," she continued.  "Of course the
+season is always fatiguing, but Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson makes it more so
+by her devotion to good works."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I nearly laughed aloud, and thought of saying that if she would be a
+little more devoted to her son she would not be wasting her time, but I
+suppressed myself and asked to hear more about the good works.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"She gives so much away, but then she's so rich," Miss Bentham said.
+"She's devoted to your uncle, but then he's so handsome.  Don't you
+think so?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's fifty," I replied, without remembering to whom I was talking.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"A woman is as old as she looks and a man as he feels," she said, and
+looked at me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I knew that I was expected to say that the Bishop must be about thirty,
+and that she could be scarcely twenty-five, but I really could not do
+it.  The whole place made me feel absolutely unwell.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"My uncle works hard and often feels tired," I remarked after a moment.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You mustn't think we always enjoy ourselves like this.  Here we are
+quite children again, so very refreshing," but her interest in me had
+gone.  I had been given my opportunity and had not taken it.  I should
+have liked very much to see an interview between Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson
+in her "good works" mood and my uncle; it would have been a delightful
+entertainment.  But I am sure that he had never seen her when she was
+taking her holidays, or I should have been left to play cricket and
+fish with Fred.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In spite, however, of the facts that I was always trying to fulfil the
+duties which were supposed to account for my presence, and that I liked
+Dick far better than any one else in the house, I was for some time
+most popular with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson.  I was new, I suppose, for
+what other reason there could have been for my popularity I cannot
+imagine; but at any rate the reason is not worth guessing, for in a
+brief ten minutes I managed to fall completely out of favour.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The way in which this happened was rather absurd, but it showed clearly
+enough what an odd kind of woman Dick had for a mother.  As a rule I
+had to play billiards after dinner, but one evening there was somebody
+staying in the house who persuaded Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson to play round
+games, and when I went into the drawing-room I discovered that
+preparations had been made for this form of dissipation.  Dick had been
+allowed to come down to take part in them, and was walking round asking
+everybody to begin at once; but my experience of round games is that
+people are generally far more anxious to stop than to begin them.  Each
+person wanted to play a different game, for by this means I fervently
+believe that they imagined they would get out of playing any at all.  I
+sat down while I had the chance, feeling sure that in a few minutes I
+should be asked to go outside the door and stay there.  I thought that
+I knew every game of the kind, and when Dick had at last got a few
+people to look like beginning, I was asked if I knew "it."  I had no
+idea that "it" meant anything out of the ordinary, and I said
+unblushingly that I did, whereupon Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson asked me to
+take the chair on her right hand.  One of the mild men had already
+taken up his position on this seat, and to my sorrow he was told to
+move, though I had no idea that my position was in a peculiar way the
+place of honour.  A lady, who proclaimed many times that she had never
+done such a thing in her life, stood in the middle of the circle and
+asked questions, and from the confusing answers she received I
+discovered promptly that I did not know what game we were playing.  At
+last she came to me and said, "Is it beautiful?" so as we were only
+allowed to say "Yes" or "No," and the last answer had been "Yes," I
+said "No."  I shall never forget the gasp which followed.  Dick, I am
+ashamed to say, gave way to merriment, but the rest of the people
+looked at me as if I had committed a crime.  It was not hard for me to
+guess that I ought to have said "Yes"; the agitation had even spread to
+Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson.  The second question asked me was, "Is it old?"
+and this time I said "Yes," with some fervour; but my answer again
+caused consternation.  Some one indeed declared that it was too hot for
+games, and in a minute the circle was broken up.  Then Dick told me
+that "it" was always the left-hand neighbour of the person who was
+asked the question, and I saw that my answers, if true, had also been
+unfortunate.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson went into the billiard-room at once, and I am
+afraid that even an immediate explanation and apology would not have
+been considered compensation enough for making her ridiculous.  During
+the next two days Dick and I were left very much to ourselves, and then
+I asked Miss Bentham, who was, I think, secretly pleased at my answers,
+to suggest that I should take him to the sea for the rest of his
+holidays.  This request was made in the morning, and we started during
+the afternoon of the same day, for I had sinned past forgiveness.  But
+unless I had played this game of "It" I should never have had time to
+make friends with Dick, and he wanted a friend rather badly.  He was
+lonely among a crowd of people, all of whom were ready to give him
+anything he asked for, except companionship.  I started by being sorry
+for him, and ended by liking him very much; he only wanted some one to
+take an interest in him, and that I was able to do quite easily.  After
+my tutorship was over Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson wrote to me and hoped that
+I should often be able to take him away with me, but she expressed no
+wish for me to stay with her again.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+At the beginning of my third summer term I was able to pay Fred the
+money he had lent me.  He protested, but I insisted, for he was Captain
+of the 'Varsity XI., and was also so popular that during the next few
+weeks he was bound to have plenty of opportunities for thinking of
+anything but economy.  Besides, this money had been at times a load on
+my conscience.  Economy, either practical or political, has never been
+a strong point of mine, but I often regretted that I had during my
+first two years bought a number of things which were more or less
+useless, because I was not compelled to pay for them at the moment.  My
+difficulties were not overwhelming but they were a nuisance, until the
+Bishop, who knew both Oxford and me by heart, solved them by giving me
+a birthday present.  Every one, however, has not got a convenient
+uncle, and without his present I should, owing to the recklessness of
+my first two years, have been compelled to leave Oxford with bills
+unpaid, and the prospect of a stormy interview with my father in front
+of me.  I was so genuinely fond of Oxford, and there are so many
+pleasant things to do there, that I should have been very sorry to
+leave it with anything hanging over me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fast bowlers, both good and bad, were scarce during the whole time I
+was up, and I was not altogether surprised when Fred chose me to play
+in the Seniors' Match.  In that game I succeeded in getting a few
+wickets, and soon afterwards I got my Harlequin cap, which pleased me
+hugely.  I am sure that had I not been such an outrageously bad
+batsman, Fred would have liked to try me for the 'Varsity, but there
+happened to be another man who did not bowl any worse than I did and
+who batted much better.  So I was left to bowl for the college, and I
+was not altogether sorry, for if Fred had yielded to his feelings and
+given me a trial a lot of men would have said it was a swindle.  There
+are a number of people in Oxford who spend their time in looking out
+for swindles, and of all things in the world they seem to be the
+easiest to find.  In Fred's case, however, I should have had a much
+better chance of playing if I had not been one of his greatest friends,
+for he was the very last man to turn his eleven into a sort of family
+party.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Our eight expected to make seven bumps, and succeeded in making five of
+them, with which Jack, who rowed six, pretended to be discontented.
+But we celebrated those five bumps all right, and altogether the
+college was a splendid place to live in.  I stayed in bed much later
+than usual on the morning after our second celebration, and I suppose
+every one else was sleepy, for I could hear Clarkson calling his boy a
+lazy young vagabond, and that always happened when through other
+people's laziness the unfortunate boy could not get on with his work.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Who is up?" Clarkson shouted.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nobody," the boy answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Then fetch Mr. Thornton's breakfast," for Thornton had moved into
+rooms next to mine at the beginning of the term.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Mr. Thornton's in bed."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Clarkson stamped heavily.  "What the deuce does he mean by being in
+bed?  Go and fetch his breakfast, and don't answer me when I give you
+orders."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The boy hurried down the stairs, and I thought Thornton had acted very
+unwisely in changing his rooms, for if Clarkson got hold of a man of
+whom he could take charge he was quite certain not to miss his chance.
+I knew one or two men who lived in greater fear of him than of any don,
+and I determined to advise Thornton not to be bullied.  My efforts,
+however, were quite useless, for Thornton assured me that he liked our
+scout and got a great deal of amusement from him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Clarkson knows exactly what is best for himself and me, and he is
+always clean," he said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He treats his boy abominably," I replied.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I wonder what you would be like if you were a scout," he said, and as
+he obviously thought that I should only be remarkable for my failings,
+I gave up trying to talk to him.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Thornton was a great puzzle to me, for his one desire was to be left to
+himself, and apart from speaking at debates and belonging to various
+literary societies he never seemed to me to do anything.  Murray always
+lost his temper with me when I said that Thornton was extraordinarily
+odd, and declared that he was one of the cleverest men in the college
+and would probably be governing some colony when we had sunk out of
+sight.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In some moods Murray was not a cheerful companion, and I could not help
+telling him that to be bullied by your scout is not a good preparation
+for governing anything.  And as a matter of fact Thornton became
+gradually so very eccentric, that even Murray had to admit that if he
+was a genius he was one who had lost his way.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+After our eight had been successful Jack Ward was very anxious that
+they should go to Henley, but both the Bursar, who had done more to
+improve our rowing than anybody, and The Bradder wanted them to wait
+for another year.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"We shall have nearly the same eight next summer, and two or three good
+freshers are coming up," The Bradder argued.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall be in the schools," Jack replied sadly, and though The Bradder
+turned away suddenly I saw him smiling, for Jack's essays were some of
+the most comical things ever written.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Anything which resembled style he said was unwholesome, and although
+Mr. Grace talked to him like a parent and The Bradder tried persuasion
+and abuse, he stuck to his solid way of giving information.  But he
+confided in me that the reason was that he couldn't write a proper
+essay to save his life.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"All I want," he exclaimed, "is a degree, and that's what these men
+don't understand.  Besides, I spell badly; it's a disease with me, and
+when you have got it, you may be able to think of a word, but you would
+be a precious fool to use it when another man has to read what you have
+written.  So my vocabulary gets limited, and I'm going to stick to
+facts, and I shouldn't wonder if the examiners don't like them.  They
+so seldom get them."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I don't think he understood what a very great deal some of the history
+men manage to know, but, at any rate, his way of tackling the examiners
+was novel, and considering the disease from which he was suffering,
+perhaps it was also the best he could choose.  So he went on learning
+things by heart, and put up long lists of things on his looking-glass,
+or any place where he was likely to see them.  I saw the extraordinary
+word "Brom" pinned on to a photograph of Collier, and found out that it
+stood for Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde and Malplaquet.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't help thinking that Marlborough finished off with Blenheim,
+because it is the sort of battle any one who is not even reading
+history has heard of," he explained, "and I have to get that idea out
+of my head.  You will find all sorts of funny words stuck about the
+place.  I've got 'Kajakk' pinned on to a lobelia in my flower-box,
+because I am always leaving out Anne of Cleves; she never seemed to
+have a chance, and you must have the man's wives all right."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Do you think they matter much?" I asked.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course they do.  They are guide-posts to the reign, but they would
+do much better if half of them were not Katharines."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I suggested that he should call one of them Kate and another Kathleen
+to avoid confusion, but he said that "Kajakk" would pull him through
+all right, and that if there was any question about Henry VIII. he did
+not mean to miss is.  I am certain that had he been given an
+opportunity, the examiners would have had a correct list of these
+ladies, with a brief note attached to explain why there were so many of
+them.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Soon after the Eights were over, I heard that The Bradder had invited
+my people to come up at the end of the term, and as I had never stayed
+up for "Commem," I wrote back cheerfully, and said we would enjoy
+ourselves.  This letter, however, was answered by my father at once,
+and my plans were again thrown into confusion.  "I want you to leave
+for Germany when term is over.  To get even a smattering of the
+language you must be there nearly three months, and, unless you go
+immediately, you will miss all the shooting.  I want you to know three
+modern languages well enough to get into the Foreign Office without any
+difficulty."  This was the beginning of the longest letter I had ever
+had from him, and in many ways the nicest, but I cannot say that I
+wanted to spend my summer with a German family, and after consulting
+Fred, I went to The Bradder to see if he would not help me to stay in
+England.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I can't read history and learn German at the same time," I said to
+him, "and all my work will be wasted unless I do some this vac."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Your father has evidently made up his mind," he said, but I think that
+he must have been sorry for me.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You write and tell him that I shall forget all I have been doing.  He
+will listen to you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"German is very valuable to you."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"So is history.  How can I be expected to work next year when I am
+packed off every summer to live with a lot of people who don't want me?
+I get no fun."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You will like it when you get there, and for this summer you can
+manage to do enough history to keep up what you know.  I will help you
+as much as I can."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Why can't I be allowed for once to like a thing in the place where I
+want to like it?" I asked, and I nearly told him that environment was
+everything, but he did not like those profound statements any better
+than I did.  I only saw The Bradder really nasty to one man, and he had
+been fool enough to say that the reason why he cut his lectures was
+because the whole atmosphere of Oxford was against work, which really
+was a sickening sort of excuse.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My attempts to get help from The Bradder failed, and as soon as I had
+worked myself up into a rage he began to laugh.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+So after one night at home I started to Germany and my people went to
+Oxford for "Commem" on the same day, which was a most topsy-turvy state
+of things.  Nina promised to write to me, but I did not expect anything
+from her except postcards.  I was, however, mistaken, for she wrote me
+a kind of "Oxford day by day," which I, struggling with a strange
+language in a strange land, was very glad to have.  I don't know
+whether The Bradder taught her to refer to the Vice-Chancellor as the
+"Vice-Chuggins," but in her description of the Encænia that most
+important gentleman was certainly not mentioned with the respect which
+I consider that people, who don't belong to Oxford, ought to feel for
+him.  In fact Nina succeeded in catching the Oxford language so badly
+that she told me that my father had been having "indijuggers," and I am
+sure that he would have had a worse attack if he had known what Nina
+called it.  I am sorry to say that she treated the Encænia in a very
+light and airy way, though some most mightily distinguished men were
+receiving honorary degrees at the function.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I like the Sheldonian because it is so round," she wrote to me, "but I
+was not impressed by the Encænia.  The area of the theatre was reserved
+for the dons, who wore what I believe you call academic dress, but they
+did not look as if they had room enough to be comfortable.  I sat in a
+gallery with a lot of people, and there was a man, who somebody told me
+was a Pro-proctor&mdash;at any rate he wore robes and looked, I thought,
+rather nice&mdash;to keep order.  You do mix up things queerly at Oxford;
+some of the jokes which were made were really not very funny, and
+mother was afraid that some one might be offended.  She was quite
+nervous.  I liked the Public Orator, who seemed to me to be introducing
+the people who were to receive honorary degrees to the Vice-Chuggins,
+and I was sorry for the University prizemen, who wore evening dress and
+had to read out their prize poems and things.  I couldn't hear a word
+the Public Orator said, but perhaps that was because I had a man near
+me who made jokes all the time and a bevy of relatives kept up a chorus
+of giggles.  Mr. Bradfield had to go to luncheon afterwards at All
+Souls.  I met Mr. Ward in the Turl yesterday; he was only up for two or
+three hours, and I thought he said he was going to coach.  I am sure he
+said something about coaching, and as I remembered how fond he was of
+horses I thought he was going for a driving tour.  But it turned out
+that he was going to read with somebody; very silly of me.  Do you
+remember when he jumped into the 'Cher'?  It seems ages ago.  Mr.
+Bradfield punts splendidly, we all like him very much, and father has
+dined with the Warden, who had toothache and hardly spoke all the
+evening.  Most unfortunate.  We are going to the 'Varsity match, and
+Mr. Bradfield says that Fred is the best bat and captain you have had
+for ages.  I believe mother nearly fainted with delight when she heard
+this.  Mr. Bradfield dances as well as you do."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The next letter Nina wrote was full of The Bradder's perfections, but
+in the following one he was scarcely mentioned, and my mother, who had
+never seen Oxford in June, was so delighted with everything that she
+did not tell me much about anybody.  Still I could not help wondering
+what had happened, for Nina was not usually reticent without a reason.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap23"></A>
+
+<H3 ALIGN="center">
+CHAPTER XXIII
+</H3>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+OUR LAST YEAR
+</H4>
+
+<P>
+Fred did not have the satisfaction of seeing his eleven beat Cambridge,
+but there had not been such a close finish in a 'Varsity match for
+nearly twenty years, and Nina said the excitement was really painful.
+"I was quite glad when it was over," she wrote to me.  "Mother never
+spoke for quite half-an-hour, and Mr. Bradfield nearly ruined his hat
+by constantly taking it off and putting it on again.  I warned him that
+he was spoiling it, but he said that such a finish was worth a hat.
+And we lost in the end; a big Cambridge man hit a four and father said
+awful things at the top of his voice.  Somehow or other that seemed to
+relieve everybody.  There was only one other Cambridge man to come in,
+and if the big man had been bowled instead of hitting a four it would
+have been splendid.  We waited for Fred afterwards and saw him for a
+minute.  He said that the big man had been the best cricketer at
+Cambridge for four years, and now that he was going down Oxford ought
+really to win next year.  Fred was very disappointed, but he told us
+that this man was a thoroughly good sort, which annoyed me because I
+felt as if he must be perfectly horrid."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+If my people could be excited at a cricket match I knew that I had
+missed something worth seeing, but when I tried to talk about the
+'Varsity match to the only member of my German family who spoke
+English, she thought I was explaining lawn tennis to her.  I felt very
+sad indeed, and had to go for a long bicycle ride to shake off a
+vigorous attack of the blues.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I suppose those months in Germany must have been useful to me, yet in
+spite of a great amount of kindness I was very glad when they were
+over.  I learned a great deal, I honestly believe, for I often went to
+a restaurant and talked politics with three professors, and that is no
+mean feat even if you do it in your own language.  For some reason
+which I have never been able to understand, these men were very pleased
+with me; possibly they liked me because I never agreed with anything
+they said.  I asked them to come and see us if they were ever in
+England, an invitation given out of joy in wishing them good-bye.  The
+prospect of leaving the German language made me very liberal in the way
+of invitations to those who spoke it, and if all the people whom I
+asked had happened to come at the same time, they would have caused a
+considerable sensation in our small household.  There were, however,
+dangers in plunging me into foreign families which my father did not
+discover; for I like everybody so much, when I am leaving them, that I
+feel certain that they are the nicest people in the world.  I had not
+been at home for a day before I found out that something very like a
+mystery had attached itself to The Bradder, so I went to my mother and
+asked her what had happened.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I meant to tell you," she answered.  "My dear, he wants to marry Nina,
+we were quite astonished."  I did not think Nina would have cared to
+hear that.  "He was here for a fortnight, but we never suspected
+anything, Nina is so very young.  It only happened a week ago."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Are they engaged?"
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"No, we thought it best that there should be no engagement for at least
+a year.  I hope we decided right, for I must have time to think about
+Nina being the wife of a don.  I think they are very much in love with
+one another."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Nina is not so very young."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Very young to be the wife of a don," my mother replied, and I believe
+that she thought such a lady, to be suitable, ought to have numbered at
+least forty years.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"The Bradder would have to go out of college if he married," I said;
+"we shan't get such another man in a hurry," but my mother did not
+think this as important as I did.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+When I talked to Nina about this new state of things she was very
+disappointed to find that I was not surprised.  She seemed to think
+that I was depriving her of something due to her, but her letters had
+made me think that something startling was going to happen, and I was
+prepared for almost anything.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Our engagement is not to be announced for a year," Nina said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I thought there wasn't any engagement," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"There isn't, until it is announced, but we have quite made up our
+minds," and then she took my arm and I listened to a glorification of
+The Bradder.  "He is very fond of you," it finished up, and that is all
+I can remember of it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am glad of that, as he is my tutor and is going to be my
+brother-in-law," I said.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"You don't seem to see how happy I am," Nina answered.  "I wanted to
+telegraph to you at once."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I am most tremendously glad you are happy.  The Bradder's a splendid
+man," I said, and added, "I should like to tell Fred directly he comes
+next week."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Yes, tell him," she replied, "but he won't mind; perhaps I oughtn't to
+say that, but I know that you think he will.  Fred's a dear, he's just
+like another brother."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"For pity's sake don't say that to him," I exclaimed.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Of course I shan't say anything to him, but he will understand all
+right," and I gathered that if he could not understand it was my duty
+to make him, which, considering how peculiarly he had behaved to Jack,
+I did not expect to be an easy matter.  But there was a difference
+between Fred and Nina, for he seemed to fall out of love as he grew
+older, while she fell in.  I don't know enough about such things to say
+whether he was ever actually in the state called "in love," but I do
+know that he was inclined to regard Nina with a jealous eye, and that I
+suffered many unpleasant moments in consequence.  So I drove down to
+the station to meet him and intended to break the news to him gently,
+but we had such a lot of other things to talk about that I had not
+mentioned Nina, except to say that she was well, when we met her in the
+drive.  Fred got out of the dog-cart to speak to her, and I, having
+totally neglected my mission, was wise enough to disappear for an hour.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In that time he must have found out what had happened, for when we were
+left alone in the smoking-room after dinner and I was wondering whether
+I had better begin the gentle process, which I was sure I should muddle
+hopelessly, he said, "It will take me some time to get used to the idea
+of Nina marrying a don."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I meant to tell you as we drove down, but I forgot clean all about
+it," I answered.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Bradfield's a good sort, isn't he?  It would be a most vile shame if
+he isn't."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He's a splendid chap."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I saw him with Nina at Lord's, and I got a kind of idea into my head
+then.  He looks all right anyhow."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"He is all right."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Fred sat and smoked for ages without saying a word, which made me
+uneasy.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"Don't you feel horribly old?" he said to me at last.  "This is a kind
+of end to all the good time we have had here.  I mean that everything
+will be different; I can't imagine Nina being married."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"She won't be for ages, and when she is it will be just the same," I
+answered.  "The Bradder's the best sort in the world, except you.
+Let's go to bed, we have to shoot to-morrow."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I stayed in Fred's room, however, for a long time, and I expect some of
+the things we said would have amused those who can jump without regret
+from one state of things to another.  But all the same this talk did us
+good, for we finished off the subject of Nina's engagement at one
+sitting, and Fred pleased me by saying that he must have been a fool to
+hate Jack Ward so violently.  That told me all I wanted to know, and
+though he was not in very good spirits for a day or two he soon
+recovered, and I believe that Nina and he enjoyed themselves more than
+they ever had since they began to wonder whether they were grown up or
+not.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Before going back to Oxford Fred and I went to stay with Mr. Sandyman,
+our old house-master at Cliborough.  I had been to Cliborough several
+times since I left school, but my first visits made me feel almost sad.
+The glory of being a blue, and I could not help feeling it, was not
+enough compensation for the way in which I seemed to have entirely
+dropped out of things.  I loved Cliborough, and when you are fond of
+places or people it is horrid to see that they can get on quite well
+without you.  You may not be forgotten, but you must necessarily cease
+to count for much, and it was not until I went back after having left
+for three years that I was quite happy there.  Our feelings&mdash;for Fred
+felt as I did&mdash;may have been wrong, but no one would have them who was
+not fond of their school and who did not in some way or other wish to
+be worthy of it.  Sandy was as nice to us as possible, and it was quite
+funny to see what a hero Fred was thought to be by some of the fellows
+in our house.  I think I was regarded as a hero more or less decayed,
+but Fred nearly reinstated me by saying that I was the fastest bowler
+he had ever played against, and by forgetting to add further details.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+We went back to Oxford from Cliborough, and during my last year I saw
+more of Fred than ever, for in nearly every college men in their fourth
+year have to go into lodgings, and Jack and I took rooms in the same
+house in the High as Fred and Henderson.  Fred was President of
+Vincent's, Henderson was to be captain of the 'Varsity XI., and Jack
+was immediately put into one of the trial Eights and finally, rowed six
+in the winning boat.  The shadow of approaching examinations was over
+all of us except Henderson, who was not reading for Honours, and had
+nothing but two papers on political economy between him and a degree.
+But I should not think any four men ever got on together better than we
+did, and the mere sight of Jack was enough to make any one feel
+cheerful.  He had fairly and squarely found himself at last, and
+whether he was sitting in front of piles of books or getting up and
+going to bed at strange times because he was in training, he was an
+endless delight to all of us.  His methods of reading history made Fred
+laugh so much that I thought he might possibly abandon them, but
+nothing would persuade him that his road to a degree was not the safest
+he could take.  On one subject Jack only opened his heart to me.  He
+had set his mind on getting into the 'Varsity Eight, and his keenness
+was terrific.  I assured him time after time that he must have a
+splendid chance of his blue, but I don't believe that the mere fact of
+getting his blue meant very much to him.  He wanted to show his people
+and his college that he could really do something.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"If I could only get into the 'Varsity boat I should have done
+something," he said to me, "because I'm not a natural oar.  I have to
+learn it all, and it's frightfully hard work remembering all you're
+told.  Some of you men think a fellow who rows is just a machine, but
+it's not so easy to become a good machine."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+To Fred and Henderson he hardly ever mentioned the river, but they knew
+how desperately keen he was, and when he was tried in the 'Varsity boat
+at four, during the beginning of the Lent Term, we all hoped most
+vigorously that he would keep his place.  For nearly a fortnight the
+same crew rowed every day, but neither the President nor the Secretary
+had yet taken their places, and I was in a state of terror that Jack
+would have to go when they went into the boat.  The Secretary, however,
+took his place and Jack remained where he was, and a few days
+afterwards the President went in at seven, seven went to three, and one
+unfortunate man disappeared.  Then we openly rejoiced, and at the
+beginning of Lent Jack was told to go into training.  We had a mild
+celebration on the evening of Shrove Tuesday, and Bunny Langham, who
+had been President of the Union and had developed a habit of making
+very long speeches, for which he apologized by saying that he believed
+in heredity, came round and helped to make a noise.  Whenever he got
+the ghost of an opportunity he began to congratulate Jack, and he
+required a very great deal of suppressing.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+For a whole week Jack rowed in the boat, and then he had a sudden
+attack of influenza.  Somehow or other I had never thought it possible
+that he could be ill, and I have never seen any one hurry up so much to
+get well again.  In ten days he was nearly all right, but when he was
+put back into the boat he said he felt miserably weak, and I think he
+went to work to prepare himself for a disappointment.  At any rate when
+it came Jack took his luck like a hero, for hardly anything more
+crushing could have happened to him just then.  I must say that the
+President was as kind about it as any man could be; he knew what it
+meant to Jack, and his sympathy was very real.  But Jack himself
+surprised all of us, he seemed to throw the whole thing behind him, and
+I never heard him complain of anything except his wretched illness.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+"I shall be fit next term," he said, "and if we get our boat near the
+head of the river again it won't be so bad after all."
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My last year in rooms with Fred, Jack and Henderson was the best of
+four good years at Oxford.  Everything, except Jack's luck, was so
+exactly right, and I was most delightfully happy.  The college was
+doing as well as we could want, and most of the dons, led I am certain
+by The Bradder, behaved splendidly.  The Freshers' Wine became an
+organized institution and ceased to be a sort of "hole and corner"
+entertainment, at which every one made a most horrible noise because
+they ought not to have made any at all.  In my spare time, and I had
+not much, I caught myself regretting that I had ever been stupid enough
+to carry on long battles with Mr. Edwardes, it seemed to me that I
+might have been more peaceful, but the fact remains that he and I were
+not made for each other.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Until the time began to grow near for me to go down from Oxford I never
+felt as strong an affection for the 'Varsity as I had for Cliborough.
+I think the reason was that Oxford is such a huge place, that it took
+me some time to realize how splendid it is.  I missed the feeling of
+unity which there was at Cliborough, and I supplied my loss by going
+furiously to work in trying to make the college less slack.  Certainly
+St. Cuthbert's, owing more to Jack's efforts than mine, had changed
+very much, but in setting our minds absolutely on one thing for two
+years we had missed a lot, even if we had been successful in what we
+wanted to do.  Our last year, however, made up for everything, and when
+we came back for the summer term examinations had lost their horrors,
+and the only thing I regretted was that in eight short weeks my time at
+Oxford would be over.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Bradder, who watched over me like a prospective brother-in-law,
+encouraged me to think that I should not do very badly in the
+"schools," but I think he was rather agitated when Henderson chose me
+to play for the 'Varsity against the Gentlemen of England, and in a
+very bad light I got more wickets than I ever expected to get in a
+first-class match.  That performance gave me a good start in the
+'Varsity XI., and The Bradder was desperately afraid that I should stop
+reading altogether.  But Fred and Jack were both hard at work, and
+except on one evening a week Henderson had to go into a separate room
+when he wanted to entertain his numerous friends.  Jack rowed in our
+Eight, and they went up to fourth.  They would have been second if they
+had been lucky, but as it was they intended to go to Henley.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+I think that I was fortunate in having to struggle for my blue during
+my last term, for this gave me so much to think about that I escaped
+some of the feelings which Fred had about leaving Oxford.  I felt that
+I was by no means ready to go, but I was also desperately eager to get
+into the XI., and that I knew would not be decided until the term was
+over.  One leaves Oxford slowly, if I may express it so; you have to
+come back for a <I>vivâ voce</I>, and then for your degree; there is no
+abrupt break as there is at school, and the fact that I was playing for
+the 'Varsity after the term was over, helped me more than it did Fred,
+who had played in the XI. for three years.  Nearly every Sunday
+afternoon during May and June, Fred and I quite solemnly went out for a
+walk together, and we nearly always found ourselves by the river.  I
+believe this was because we were never tired of looking at Corpus and
+Merton from the Christchurch meadows.  There is no view so keenly
+rooted in my memory as this, nor one which I am so glad to look upon
+again.  I don't care in the least whether it is the most beautiful in
+Oxford or not, for it means something to me, and you can ask no more
+from a view than that.  I can never look at it without remembering many
+things which were all of them very pleasant, and Oxford is the place to
+build up memories.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The term slipped by far too fast, and we found ourselves plunged into
+the schools.  For once in my life I should have been glad not to see
+the sun, but the week during which we had to put on paper the results
+of over two years' work was most cruelly hot, and all of us were glad
+when it was over.  It is no use guessing how you have done in honour
+schools, for those who think they have got a first are too often
+surprised when the lists come out, and unless you are going to guess
+something nice, it is much better to leave it alone altogether.  With
+one consent Fred, Jack and I refused to talk about our chances, and set
+out to enjoy the few days which remained to us without being harrowed
+by doubts and fears.  I did, however, have secret dips into a political
+economy book, for I thought if the examiners shared my opinion they
+would wonder how little of this subject I knew.  I couldn't keep away
+from the wretched thing, try as I would, and was always reading "Adam
+Smith" and "Walker" at odd moments.  I think my nerves must have been
+upset.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Directly after the schools were over, Jack and I had to go to a dinner
+which Murray got up.  I was ready to go to anything, but I had no idea
+that this was a sort of entertainment organized in honour of us until I
+got to it.  The Bradder took the chair, and I am sure that I tried to
+feel grateful to Murray, but if you don't care much about being set on
+a small pedestal it is very hard to pretend that you do.  I did,
+however, enjoy that dinner because every one was so very cheerful, and
+I made a speech which lasted&mdash;counting the applause&mdash;nearly ten
+minutes.  The Bradder spoke more about Jack than me, which was very
+thoughtful of him, and Jack told me afterwards that this evening almost
+made up for having missed his blue.  The things which were said about
+him took him most completely by surprise, and the fact that he was
+really appreciated and that the college owed something to him, sent him
+off to Henley a happier man than he had ever been in his life.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My place in the eleven was in doubt until the last game before the
+'Varsity match, and then I bowled one of the best batsmen in England&mdash;I
+must add off his pads&mdash;and got three men caught in the slips.
+Henderson gave me my blue in the pavilion at Lord's and simply banged
+me on the back as he did it, a very unorthodox and pleasant ending to
+what had been a great anxiety.  Fred, too, was most uproariously
+delighted, and I should think that some of the people, who seem to
+think that the pavilion at Lord's is a kind of cathedral, must have
+decided that the Oxford XI. had suddenly gone mad.  But I disentangled
+myself after a time from men who wanted to congratulate me, and started
+sending telegrams.  I was guilty at that moment of trying to think of
+people to whom I could telegraph with decency, but I had wanted to play
+against Cambridge very much.  We had been beaten in all the last three
+matches, and as Fred had never really played well at Lord's, I think
+some men were inclined to say that he was not anything like as good a
+cricketer as he was supposed to be.  But in this match he settled that
+question once and for ever.  We went in first and started terribly,
+Henderson was caught at the wicket, and another man was bowled before
+we had made a run.  I could not have smiled at the best joke in the
+world.  Then Fred and a left-hander got well set, and before we had
+finished our total was over 350.  Fred never gave a chance until he had
+made well over a hundred, and though some men told me that he was out
+l.b.w. at least four times, there are always plenty of people who think
+that they know more than the umpires.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+The Cambridge men failed in the first innings, and I only bowled six
+overs, which annoyed my mother and Nina, because they said that I was
+there to bowl.  But after Cambridge went in again they played an uphill
+game most splendidly, and my people had plenty of opportunity to see me
+bowl.  I got four men out, and Henderson was very pleased with me, but
+I was not a first-class bowler, though I tried hard to look like one.
+We had nearly two hundred runs to win, and I confess that I was afraid
+that I might have to go in when there were two or three runs still
+wanted.  In the first innings my efforts as a batsman had been brief
+and glorious, I had received three balls, two of which I had hit to the
+boundary and the third I meant to go to the same place, only somebody
+caught it.  I hoped sincerely that my part in the 'Varsity match was
+over, but whenever a wicket fell I had a very bad moment.  I did not,
+however, have to make that long journey from the pavilion to the
+wickets again, for Henderson, who kept himself back in the second
+innings, played beautifully, and we won with some wickets in hand.  I
+don't want to forget the wholesome thrill which I had when Henderson
+made the winning stroke, and I am quite certain that I never shall
+forget it.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+My father and mother, too, were pleased, and I was very glad to see
+their delight, for I thought that I might have added more to their
+anxiety than to their pleasure during the last four years.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+In July both Fred and Jack came to stay with me, because in a few weeks
+I had to start on one of my journeys in search of a language which I
+did not know.  I wanted Jack to be with us when the History List came
+out, in case anything disastrous should happen.  But Jack had filled
+himself so full of facts that when the telegram from the Clerk of the
+Schools came he was delighted to find that he had got a third, and he
+declared that I must be a genius to have got a second, but that was
+only his way of expressing his surprise.  The Greats' List was a
+triumph for St. Cuthbert's, Murray and five other men getting firsts.
+Fred got a second, and considering that he had been playing footer and
+cricket for the 'Varsity so much, everybody thought that he had done
+most thoroughly well.  Cliborough was so satisfied with him that he was
+offered a mastership at once, which was a stroke of luck both for Fred
+and the school.
+</P>
+
+<P>
+Nothing remained for us to do except to take our degrees, and we
+arranged with Henderson that we should go back together once more and
+take them at the same time.  I think that we clung to that expedition
+as our last remaining link with the 'Varsity.  But there is a link,
+which those who learn to love Oxford, as Fred, Jack and I loved her,
+cannot break; it is the debt which we owe to her, for we shall never be
+able to repay it in full.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<P CLASS="finis">
+THE END
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR>
+
+<H5 ALIGN="center">
+RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED,<BR>
+BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND<BR>
+BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.<BR>
+</H5>
+
+<BR><BR>
+
+<HR>
+
+<BR><BR>
+
+<A NAME="chap24"></A>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+By the same author
+</H4>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+GODFREY MARTEN: SCHOOLBOY
+</H4>
+
+<H5 ALIGN="center">
+WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY GORDON BROWNE
+</H5>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+<I>In one vol., cloth, gilt edges, price 5s.</I>
+</H4>
+
+<BR>
+
+<H4 ALIGN="center">
+Some Press Opinions
+</H4>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+The Spectator:&mdash;"The book is extremely good reading from end to end; it
+abounds in entertaining and exciting episodes, is wholly void of
+sentimentality, and enforces in the most unmistakable and wholesome way
+the duty of straight and manly conduct."
+</P>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+The Standard:&mdash;"Boys will be delighted with this faithful record of
+public school life.  It shows up without the smallest priggishness, or
+the least hint of lecturing or sermonising, that side of the English
+public school of which we are so proud&mdash;the fine, broad standard of a
+gentleman that the well-bred boy sets up for himself."
+</P>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+The Daily Telegraph:&mdash;"<I>Godfrey Marten, Schoolboy</I>, may rank with the
+very small number of books which treat successfully of boy-life....  It
+is a bright, stirring story, and should find a hearty welcome."
+</P>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+Morning Post:&mdash;"<I>Godfrey Marten</I> will rejoice the heart of many a lad.
+Mr. Turley knows boys and writes lovingly of them.  His story is
+vivacious, the heroes are real live ones, the style is racy and true to
+reality in its descriptions of masters, boys and sports, and even in
+its use of school slang, the book throughout is clean, wholesome and
+manly."
+</P>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+The Times:&mdash;"Returning to Mr. Turley's book after a year's interval we
+are more than ever taken by its quiet, unassuming merits and a certain
+insidious charm.  Thinking over other school books we can recall
+nothing nearer to boy nature than this, nor any that has greater
+interest as a story."
+</P>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+The Guardian:&mdash;"The book is a wholesome one; the boys are gentlemen,
+the games are described with spirit, and some of the difficulties of
+public school life are treated in a healthy and helpful way.  Moreover
+it is written for boys rather than about them, and the author succeeds
+in looking at things from a boy's point of view."
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR>
+
+<P CLASS="noindent">
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford Street, W.C.
+</P>
+
+<BR><BR><BR><BR>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GODFREY MARTEN, UNDERGRADUATE ***
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+</BODY>
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+</HTML>
+
diff --git a/28567.txt b/28567.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc79641
--- /dev/null
+++ b/28567.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,12384 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate
+
+Author: Charles Turley
+
+Release Date: April 20, 2009 [EBook #28567]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GODFREY MARTEN, UNDERGRADUATE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Al Haines
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GODFREY MARTEN
+
+UNDERGRADUATE
+
+
+BY
+
+CHARLES TURLEY
+
+
+
+AUTHOR OF 'GODFREY MARTEN, SCHOOLBOY'
+
+
+
+LONDON
+
+WILLIAM HEINEMANN
+
+1904
+
+
+
+
+_All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAP.
+
+     I.  OXFORD
+    II.  INTERVIEWS
+   III.  THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH
+    IV.  UNEXPECTED PEOPLE
+     V.  THE WINE
+    VI.  JACK WARD AND DENNISON
+   VII.  THE INN AT SAMPFORD
+  VIII.  LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN
+    IX.  A SURPRISE
+     X.  MY MAIDEN SPEECH
+    XI.  A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON
+   XII.  THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY
+  XIII.  NINA COMES TO OXFORD
+   XIV.  GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE
+    XV.  MISHAPS
+   XVI.  THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON
+  XVII.  THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON
+ XVIII.  THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD
+   XIX.  THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER
+    XX.  THE HEDONISTS
+   XXI.  ONE WORD TOO MANY
+  XXII.  A TUTORSHIP
+ XXIII.  OUR LAST YEAR
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+OXFORD
+
+The night before I left home for Oxford I had a talk with my father.
+He was not of the sentimental kind, but I knew that he had a rare
+fondness for my brother, my sister Nina and myself, and I have never
+had a moment when I did not return his affection.  He had always been
+bothered by my lack of seriousness, and he doubted whether I should
+really get the best out of 'Varsity life.  After telling me that the
+time had come for me to treat things more seriously, he finished up by
+saying: "I am going to give you two hundred pounds a year, which is
+more than I can afford, and which, with your exhibition, must be enough
+for you.  I have put that amount to your credit in the bank at Oxford,
+and I don't expect to hear anything about money from you either during
+the term or when you are at home.  You ought to know by this time what
+money is worth, and that debt is a thing you must avoid.  Be a man,
+Godfrey, and don't forget that the first step towards becoming one is
+to behave like a gentleman."
+
+I shook his hand to show that I understood, for he wanted neither
+promises nor protestations, and if I had been able to be sentimental he
+would have left the room without listening to me.
+
+He didn't say much, but what he did say was beautifully simple, and on
+leaving him I felt very solemn and, since I must tell the truth, very
+important.  The idea of having a bank account was one which did not
+lose its glamour for several days.  There was something about my first
+cheque-book which pleased me immensely, for I had not been brought up
+in a nest of millionaires, and am glad to confess that until I went to
+Oxford the possibilities attached to a five-pound note were almost
+without limit.
+
+Fred Foster--who had been staying with me--and I parted at Oxford
+railway-station without falling on each other's necks, but although we
+did not cause any further obstruction on a platform already far too
+crowded, we understood that the friendship which had prospered during
+so many years at school was not going to be interrupted because he had
+got a scholarship at Oriel while I was an exhibitioner of St.
+Cuthbert's.
+
+I began by losing my luggage, which was exactly the way some people
+would have expected me to begin, and when I arrived at the college
+lodge I must have looked as if I had come to spend a Saturday to Monday
+visit.  One miserable bag was all I possessed, and the porter viewed
+me, as I thought, with suspicion.  He was a grumpy old person, and when
+I told him that I had lost my luggage he grunted, "Gentlemen do,
+especially when they're fresh," which I thought very fair cheek on his
+part, though I did not feel at that moment like telling him so.
+
+Then having said that my name was Marten, he hunted in a list and told
+a man to take my bag to Number VII. staircase in the back quadrangle.
+I followed, feeling rather dejected, and I cannot say that the first
+sight of my rooms tended to raise my spirits.  They were small and
+dismal, the window opened on to a balustrade which, if it prevented me
+from falling into the quadrangle, also managed to shut out both light
+and air.  The furniture can be described correctly by the word
+adequate; there were some chairs and a table, college furniture for
+which I was privileged to pay rent.  The chairs looked as if nothing
+could ever wear them out or make them look different.  They had been
+built to defy time and ill-usage.
+
+I went into my bedroom and was more satisfied, by some strange freak it
+was bigger than my sitting-room, and after I had seen other freshers'
+bedrooms I acknowledged my good luck.  There was at least room to have
+a bath without splashing the bed.  I was still looking disconsolately
+about me when my scout came in and treated me with a calm contempt
+which immediately raised my spirits.  His air was so obviously that of
+the man who knew all about things, and he told me what to do with a
+gravity which was intended to be most impressive.  His name was
+Clarkson and I stayed on his staircase during the three years I was in
+college, though at the end of my first year I moved into larger rooms.
+He was in a mild kind of way an endless source of amusement to me,
+because every one knew that under his veil of imperturbability was
+hidden, not very successfully, a flourishing crop of failings.
+Whenever his chief failing overpowered him his gravity increased, until
+he became one of the most indescribably comic people I have ever seen.
+
+He told me that chapel was at eight o'clock on the following morning,
+and asked me if I should be breakfasting in.  I found out afterwards
+that unless I wanted to go to chapel I could go to a roll-call in any
+garments which looked respectable, and then go back to bed; but I did
+not hear this from Clarkson.  He was far too keen on getting men out of
+bed and their rooms put straight to give such very unnecessary
+information.  However, he was useful at the beginning, and had he not
+told me where to go for dinner I don't suppose I should have troubled
+to ask him.
+
+My first dinner in hall was not a pleasant experience.  The senior men
+came up a day after us, and most freshers, until they settle down, seem
+to spend their time in waiting for somebody else to say something.
+That dinner really made me feel most gloomy; things seemed to have been
+turned upside down, and in the process I felt as if I had fallen with a
+thud to the bottom.  There were two or three freshers from Cliborough
+to whom I had scarcely spoken during my last two years at school, and
+these fellows all sat together and enjoyed themselves, while I counted
+for nothing whatever.
+
+I began to learn the lesson that being in the Cliborough XI. and XV.
+was not a free passport to glory.  The man opposite to me looked as if
+he had never heard of W. G. Grace, and when I tried to speak to the
+fellow on my right about the Australians, he thought that I was talking
+about any ordinary Australian, and had no notion that I meant the
+cricket team which had been over in the summer.  He was quite nice
+about it, I must admit, and when he found out what I was driving at,
+said: "I am afraid I don't know much about cricket; I have been over in
+Germany the last two or three months, trying to get hold of the
+language.  I want to read Schiller and those other people in the
+original."
+
+He did not suit me at all, and as I had not the courage to give myself
+away by asking the names of the other people our conversation dropped.
+I was, in fact, dead off colour, and the sight of those three
+Cliborough fellows almost took away my appetite.  Until that moment it
+had never occurred to me that I had been in the habit of thinking a lot
+of myself at Cliborough, and in self-defence I must add that I do not
+see how a public school can prosper unless some of the fellows stick
+together and try to make things go on properly.  Any "side" I may have
+had was certainly unconscious, but I haven't an idea whether that is
+the worst or the best kind.  I know that I should have felt like having
+a fit if any one had told me that I was conceited, and apart from that
+I don't know anything about it, except, as I have said, that I was
+angry that these fellows did not seem to remember that I had been at
+Cliborough.  I told myself that they had lost their sense of
+proportion, which was a phrase my father used about any one who argued
+with him; and I also said vehemently that they were worms; but unless
+you are quite sure of it, and can get some one to agree with you, there
+is not much satisfaction to be got from calling people worms.
+
+I went out of the hall and found a tall, dark fellow bowling pebbles
+aimlessly about the quadrangle.  I bowled a pebble, and hitting him on
+the back, had to apologize.  It is rather odd, now I come to think
+about it, that the first words I ever said to Jack Ward were in the
+nature of an apology.  We strolled out of the quadrangle into the
+lodge, and after he had looked at me he asked me to come up to his
+rooms and have some coffee.  I was not at all sure that I wanted to go,
+but I went.  He shouted to his scout at the top of a very powerful
+voice, and I felt that he was much more at home than I was.  I
+determined, moreover, to shout at my scout upon the earliest possible
+opportunity.
+
+"I had a brother up here," he said as soon as we were sitting by the
+fire, "and he gave me some tips.  One of them was to shout at your
+scout for at least a week to show that you are not an infant, another
+was not to row, and the last was not to play cards all day and night.
+My brother's an odd kind of chap, the sort of man who doesn't know the
+ace of spades by sight, but it's as easy to shout as it is not to row.
+Your name's Marten, isn't it?"
+
+"Yes," I replied; "how did you know that?"
+
+"I scored when you came over last term to play for Cliborough against
+Wellingham.  I was twelfth man to the XI., though you needn't believe
+it if you don't want to.  It's wonderful what a crop of twelfth men
+there are kicking around; you may just as well say you are a liar smack
+out, as tell any one you are a twelfth man."
+
+I told him that I believed him.
+
+"That's only your politeness," he went on; "in a week you will be
+talking about me as 'that man Ward who says he was twelfth man at
+Wellingham.'"
+
+I sat in his rooms and listened to him talking until eleven o'clock;
+for almost the first time in my life I had nothing to say, and that
+must have been the reason why I felt amused and uncomfortable at the
+same time.  He seemed to know all sorts of people, and he spoke of them
+by their Christian names, which impressed me, and he referred to London
+as a place well enough to stay in for a time, but a terrible bore when
+one got accustomed to it.  Now I had only been to London three times,
+and one of those could hardly be said to count since it was to see a
+dentist.  As I went back to my rooms, I thought that my education had
+been neglected in many ways, and that Ward had been having a much
+better time than I had.  But I soon changed my mind and decided that he
+was the kind of fellow whom I should have thought a slacker at
+Cliborough, and I cannot put up with a man, who when he is doing one
+thing always wants to be doing another.
+
+When I got back to my rooms I found a letter from my uncle.  He was a
+bishop, and there had been trouble between us when I was a small boy at
+Cliborough; he had made jokes about me which I did not bear in silence.
+But he had spent a month of the summer holidays with us, and had told
+my mother that I had greatly improved; I thought the same thing about
+him, so we got on together very well.  I may as well say at once that I
+had laid siege to the bishop.  Instead of waiting for him to go for me
+I went for him, and my mother said that I had discovered the boy in the
+bishop.  If he was idle I employed him, and on his last day with us I
+finished off by making one hundred and thirty-six against him at stump
+cricket.  When he went away I had changed my opinion of him, but my
+father was annoyed that he could behave like a boy when it was time for
+me to forget that I was one.  "You are as silly as the bishop," became
+one of my father's favourite remarks, until my mother asked him to
+think of something which was not quite so rude.
+
+The bishop had really been splendid while he was staying with us,
+because Nina, having arrived at the age of eighteen, was very difficult
+to please.  Some man in my brother's regiment had been down and said
+that her pug was an angel, and I being unable to reach such heights as
+that was compared to my disadvantage with this man.  I am nearly sure,
+too, that she wanted to flirt with Fred, quite regardless of the fact
+that he was no use at flirting, and I should have had something to say
+if he had been.  In a short year she had changed most dreadfully, and
+was no longer satisfied with being liked very much.  She was a puzzle
+to me, and had it not been for the bishop, who smoothed things over, I
+should probably have worried her far more than I did.
+
+His letter did not contain one word of cant; he just wished me good
+luck, and told me to write to him whenever I felt that he could be of
+use to me.  A less sensible man might have preached to me and talked
+about the "threshold of a career"; but, thank goodness, he knew what I
+wanted, and that if I had not made up my mind to let Oxford do
+something for me, I was hopeless from the start.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+INTERVIEWS
+
+I soon found out that Jack Ward was of a most friendly disposition, for
+he came over to my rooms before ten o'clock the following morning and
+bounced in with an air of having known me all my life.  At the moment I
+was talking to a man called Murray, whose acquaintance I had made an
+hour before.  My introduction to Murray could hardly be called formal;
+he lived in the next rooms to me and at precisely the same time each of
+us had poked our heads into the passage and shouted for our scout.  We
+then looked at each other and laughed, and the deed was done.  I wish
+that I could have made all my friends at Oxford as easily; it would
+have saved so much time.
+
+Murray was going as Ward came in, and they nodded and said
+"Good-morning" in the way men do when they don't altogether love one
+another.
+
+"You seem to know everybody," I said, without much reason, as soon as
+Murray had disappeared.
+
+"I can't well help knowing that fellow, considering that he was at
+Wellingham with me for five years."
+
+"He didn't tell me he was at Wellingham."
+
+"He would have in another minute, and that he was captain of the school
+and the footer fifteen, and what he was fed on as a baby and how many
+muscles he had got in his big toe," Ward jerked out as he pulled
+furiously at his pipe, which he had already tried to light two or three
+times.
+
+"I thought he seemed a nice sort of man," I said.
+
+"I expect you think everybody you see nice sort of men," he replied
+rather queerly, though he laughed as he spoke.
+
+"I hope so; it is a jolly comfortable state to be in," I answered.
+
+"But a very dangerous one.  You must get awfully left."
+
+I picked up _Wisden's Cricket Almanack_, which had been one of the
+things in my bag, and began to read it, for I had taken a fancy to
+Murray and did not see much use in listening to what I felt Ward wanted
+to say about him.
+
+"You will probably be friends with Murray for about a month, and then
+it will end with a snap," he said.
+
+"I can promise you that if I am friends with him for a month it won't
+end with a snap, even if his toes simply bulge with muscles," I replied.
+
+"If anybody warned you against a man you would take no notice."
+
+"It depends who warned me, and whom I was warned against.  And since it
+is no use pretending things," I added, "I don't see much wrong in a
+fellow because he happens to remember something about baby's food."
+
+"He might be a bore."
+
+"So may anybody," I answered, for Ward's persistence was beginning to
+annoy me.  He got up from his chair with a great laugh, and put his
+hands on my shoulders.
+
+"We mustn't begin by having a row with each other," he said.
+
+I stood up so that I could get rid of his hands, and felt inclined to
+say that I did not want to begin at all, but I stopped myself.  There
+was something in the man that attracted me.  I may be peculiar, but I
+like people who shake the furniture when they laugh, having suffered
+much from a master at Cliborough who never let himself go farther than
+a giggle.
+
+"I suppose we must go and see these blessed dons.  They want to see us
+at half-past ten, don't they?" he said.
+
+I looked at my watch and found that it was nearly eleven o'clock, so we
+bolted down-stairs and across the quadrangle as hard as we could.  It
+was a very bad start but I had completely forgotten that we had to go
+to the hall at half-past ten, and Ward gave me no comfort by saying
+that he did not suppose it mattered when we went as long as we turned
+up some time.  Dons would have to be very different from masters if
+that was the case, and as I imagined that they would be of much the
+same breed only glorified, I had no wish to begin by making them angry.
+
+There were thirty or forty freshers in the hall when we got there, and
+a few dons sitting at the high table at the end of it.  Murray and two
+or three other men were up talking to them when I arrived, and I
+guessed that they were taking the scholars and exhibitioners
+alphabetically, and that I was too late for my turn; though Ward, who
+was a commoner and fortunate enough to begin with a W, was probably in
+heaps of time.
+
+When Murray came down he told me that they had called out my name
+several times, which made me, quite unreasonably, feel angry with Ward,
+but presently they shouted for me again and I went up.
+
+Though I felt rather agitated as I walked up the hall and saw these
+gowned people waiting for me, the idea flitted across my mind that they
+looked most extremely like a row of rooks sitting on a long stick.  My
+prevailing impression as I approached them was one of beak, they seemed
+to me like a lot of benevolent and expectant birds.  As a matter of
+fact this impression was false, and I got it because I was looking at
+the Warden--as the Head of St. Cuthbert's was called--and not at the
+group of dons on each side of him.
+
+The Warden was a little man whose head had apparently sunk down into
+his neck and got a tilt forward in the process.  His eyes were grey and
+shrewd, the sort of eyes which one watches to see the signs of the
+times; his nose, being that of the Warden, I will only call prominent,
+and he had a habit of passing his hand over his mouth and chin, which
+was merely a habit, but suggested to me at first sight that he was
+pleased with his morning shave.  He was nearly sixty years old, and
+when he wanted to be nice his efforts were not intelligible to
+everybody, but there was no mistaking him when he really wished to be
+nasty.  However, he was one of those men who are spoken of at Oxford as
+having European reputations, and possibly the burden of an European
+reputation gives the owner of it a right to behave differently from
+ordinary people who have no reputation at all, or if they have one
+would prefer that it should be forgotten.
+
+The Warden held out a hand to me and almost winced at my manner of
+grasping it.  My father always said that he knew a man by his
+hand-shake, but I ought to have been wise enough to spare the Warden.
+
+"I was in doubt whether or no we were to have the privilege of seeing
+you this morning.  Perhaps the fatigues of a long journey by rail
+caused you to remain in your bedroom for a longer time than is usual,
+or indeed beneficial."
+
+I was on the point of saying that I had been up at eight o'clock, when
+it occurred to me that an apology would be shorter than an explanation,
+so I mumbled that I was very sorry for being late.  My chief desire was
+to get away from an atmosphere which I found overpowering.
+
+I had to listen to some more remarks from the Warden, all of which were
+spun out in his extraordinary way, and at last I was introduced to my
+tutor, Mr. Gilbert Edwardes, who took me on one side and set to work
+telling me what lectures I was to attend.  I think he meant to be
+friendly but he had a dreadfully stiff manner, and I am sure that he
+found it very difficult to unbend.  He reminded me most strongly of a
+shirt with too much starch in it, or whatever it is that makes shirts
+as stiff as boards.
+
+Later on in the day I went to see him in his rooms in college and he
+gave me a little advice and exhorted me to work.  It was all a
+cut-and-dried sort of affair which did not appeal to any feelings I
+had, but since he was my tutor I thought I had better tell him
+something about myself.
+
+He was even smaller than the Warden and quite the most prim-looking man
+I have ever beheld.  His face was colourless and smooth, and as I sat
+opposite him in his gloomy room he looked so tidy and sure of himself
+that I found a great difficulty in speaking to him.  Having said the
+usual things he was very obviously expecting me to go, but I did not
+want him to begin by thinking that I was a saint, though why I imagined
+that he was in any danger of thinking so I cannot explain.  He had,
+however, said so much about work and the great care I must take in
+avoiding men who distracted me from my duty, that I thought I had
+better tell him that I was a very human being.
+
+I never remember having twiddled my thumbs before but I caught myself
+doing it in his room.  He was so placid and demure that I could not
+imagine that he had ever done a foolish thing in his life.  It was
+impossible for me to think that he had ever been young, and I wanted
+him to know that I was both young and foolish.  He must have known the
+one and I expect he guessed the other, but at any rate my intention was
+to begin fair.  Then whatever happened he would not be able to say that
+I had not warned him.
+
+But he made me so nervous that I did not get the right words, and I
+made him look more like a poker then ever.  "Thanks, most awfully," I
+began, and it was a bad beginning, "for all your advice.  But I want to
+tell you that I do the most stupid things without meaning to do them.
+I mean that they only strike me as being stupid after I have done them."
+
+Mr. Edwardes made noises in his throat which sounded like a succession
+of "Ahems," and I floundered on: "I am afraid it is very hard for me
+not to like amusing myself as much as possible, but of course I will
+try to work and all that sort of thing as well."  He stood up when I
+got as far as that and smiled at me, but I cannot say that he seemed to
+be pleased.  "I thought I had better tell you, so that you would know,"
+I added before I left him, and I went away with the hopeless feeling
+that I had made a complete idiot of myself.  I hated Mr. Edwardes as I
+went back across the quadrangle, for I felt that I had tried to take
+him into my confidence and that he had responded by getting rid of me.
+
+When I reached my rooms my luggage had arrived and I let off steam--so
+to speak--by having a dispute with the man who had brought it.  I did
+not get the best of that dispute, but I did make an effort to practise
+the economy which my people had advised, and Clarkson saw me in a rage,
+which must have been very good for him.  For a solid hour I unpacked
+things which I had thought beautiful in my study at Cliborough and put
+them about my room, but somehow or other most of them did not seem as
+beautiful as I had thought them, and there was a picture--I had won it
+in a shilling raffle, and been very proud of it--which filled me with
+sorrow.  It had been painted by the sister of a fellow at Cliborough,
+and when he was frightfully hard-up he arranged a raffle, and everybody
+said I was jolly lucky to win it.  I was even bid fifteen shillings for
+the picture by the original owner, but as I suspected that he wanted to
+get up another raffle I refused the offer.  When I saw the thing
+hanging on my wall I wished that I had not been such a fool.  Having
+got the thing I did not like to waste it, but if some one would have
+come in and stuck a knife into it I should have been very pleased.  The
+name of this burden was "A Last Night at Sea," and the subjects
+represented were a small boat and two or three people huddled together
+at one end of it, while in the middle of the boat a woman with long
+streaming hair was stretching out her arms towards a terrific wave.  If
+I had not remembered the name it might not have been so bad, but under
+the circumstances no one could say that it was a cheerful thing to live
+with.  I suppose the satisfaction of having it in my study at
+Cliborough had been enough, for I did not recollect having looked at it
+before, and when a lot of fellows are swarming around saying what a
+lucky chap you are to have won a thing, it is not very likely to give
+you the blues then, whatever it may have in store for you afterwards.
+I turned "A Last Night at Sea" with its face to the wall and went on
+decorating my room.  Photographs of my father and mother which I put on
+my mantelpiece made me feel rather better, but Nina resplendent in a
+green plush frame made me think again.  I had been very proud of that
+frame some years before when Nina had given it to me; she had sold two
+rabbits and borrowed sixpence from Miss Read, her governess, to buy it,
+and it had never occurred to me that I could grow out of my admiration
+for green plush.  The question of what to do with it puzzled me
+tremendously; I didn't want to treat Nina badly but the frame was an
+abomination.  Fortunately there was a ring attached to the frame and I
+hung it up in a dark corner, but I promised myself that it should come
+out the following morning.
+
+I had just sat down to survey my labours when Murray came in and
+proposed we should go for a walk in the town, and as I was perfectly
+sick of my room I was quite ready to go.  Although the time was barely
+four o'clock and the sun doesn't set for another hour in the middle of
+October, it was half dark and drizzling with rain as we walked down
+Turl Street and came into The High.  But I had got rid of my gloom and
+was eager to spend money.  I did not quite know what I wanted but that
+was not of much consequence.  We went into a shop which seemed to be
+exactly the place for any one who wished to buy things, and did not
+care much what he bought.  Before I came out of it I had bought two
+chairs, a standard lamp, a small book-case, an enormous bowl--which got
+in my way for two years until somebody smashed it--a tea-set, a small
+table and half-a-dozen china shepherdesses.  I then went to other shops
+and made more purchases, while Murray looked on and smiled until I was
+waylaid by an accommodating man in the Cornmarket, who wanted to sell
+me a fox-terrier pup, and was ready to keep it for me if I had no place
+for it; and then I was told not to be a fool.  That man's opinion of
+Murray is not worth mentioning.
+
+When we got back to college it was past five o'clock, and between us we
+managed to find everything that was necessary for tea.  I had a fire in
+my room, but Murray had not one in his; he had tea-cups, but I had
+none; while I had things to eat, which our cook at home had declared
+would be useful and I had most reluctantly brought with me.  We were in
+the middle of this very substantial meal when Fred Foster came in, and
+from his glance round my room I saw that he thought it was a fairly
+dismal spot.
+
+"Rather like an up-stairs dungeon," I said.  "Have you got a better
+place than this?"
+
+"It is bigger and not so stuffy," he answered; "but it won't make you
+very jealous."
+
+"You wait until I have got all the things I have just bought, and then
+you will think this no end of a place," I remarked.
+
+"If any one can get inside," Murray put in.
+
+"It will be rather a squash," I admitted; "I've spent over twelve
+pounds already."
+
+"That's just the sort of thing you would do," Foster said.
+
+We sat and talked for an hour until Ward burst in, knocking and opening
+the door at the same moment.
+
+Murray and Foster had been getting on splendidly together, but directly
+Ward came they hardly said a word.  Possibly they did not get much
+chance, but any one could see that Foster had taken a dislike to Ward
+at sight.
+
+Murray went away very soon and left the three of us together.
+
+"I've been over to Woodstock in a dog-cart with Bunny Langham and Bob
+Fraser," Ward said.  "By Jove, that cob of Bunny's can move.  We got
+back in five-and-twenty minutes."
+
+As I didn't know how far it was to Woodstock and didn't care, I said
+nothing, so Ward went on, "Bunny's a rare good sort; you ought to meet
+him."
+
+"What college is he at?" I asked.
+
+"At the House--Christchurch, you know."  I did know, and thought the
+explanation cheek.  "I have hired a gee from Carter's to-morrow, and am
+going to drive over to Abingdon with Bunny, will you come?"
+
+"To-morrow's Sunday," I said.
+
+"Yes, there is nothing else to do.  The better the day the----"  But I
+interrupted him.
+
+"Don't talk rot, I hate those things.  Are you going in a dog-cart?" I
+asked.
+
+"Yes, it is Bunny's cart."
+
+"I am jolly well not going to sit on the back seat of a dog-cart if I
+can help it; I would rather go about in a perambulator," I said.
+
+"You are so confoundedly particular," he went on with a great guffaw of
+laughter, "but since it is Bunny's cart and I am going to drive I don't
+see how we can offer you any other seat."
+
+"Who the blazes is Bunny?" I asked, for his name was beginning to get
+on my nerves, and Fred Foster sitting as dumb as a mute was enough to
+upset any one.
+
+"I know him at home, his father is the Marquis of Tillford and his real
+name is Lord Augustus Langham, only his teeth stick out and every one
+calls him Bunny," Ward answered.
+
+"Heaps of money?" I said.
+
+"Plenty, I should think."
+
+"Then he is no use to me, though he may be the best fellow in the
+world," I declared.
+
+"You are a rum 'un, why he is just the sort of man who is some use."
+
+"That depends," Foster said suddenly.
+
+"Yes, it depends," I repeated, though I didn't know exactly what
+depended.
+
+"What depends?" Ward asked Foster.
+
+"Well, if a man hasn't got much money it is no use knowing a lot of men
+who have got no end."
+
+"It never struck me that way.  Perhaps you are right," and then turning
+to me, he added, "Come to breakfast anyhow to-morrow morning, Bunny
+won't be there then."
+
+I promised to go, and then he left us.  I walked back to Oriel with
+Foster and he had got a lot to say about Jack Ward.  "Where in the
+world did you find that man?" was his first remark after we were alone.
+
+"He found me," I said.
+
+"I should lose him as soon as possible," Fred went on.
+
+"I don't think that would be very easy," I answered, "and I don't
+believe he is a bad sort really."
+
+"I'll bet he never came back from Woodstock in five-and-twenty
+minutes," Foster said.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH
+
+If I had to describe in detail the first two or three weeks of my life
+at Oxford, I think that accusations might be brought against me of
+having eaten too much, or at any rate too often.  Fortunately I had a
+good digestion, I cannot imagine the fate of a dyspeptic freshman if he
+had to attend a series of Oxford breakfasts.  I have, however, only
+once encountered a fresher who suffered from dyspepsia, and if there
+was any other man so afflicted at St. Cuthbert's he probably did not
+admit his complaint.  For we were supposed to be very cultivated at St.
+Cuthbert's, and at that time it was not good form to hold a roll-call
+of our diseases at breakfast, to discuss surgical operations at
+luncheon, and to provide tales of sea-sickness by way of humour at
+dinner.  We kept our complaints to ourselves and were in truth more
+than a little ashamed of them.
+
+St. Cuthbert's had a reputation of its own.  Men in other colleges
+criticized us very freely.  They said that we were prigs, that the
+'Varsity boat would never be any good as long as there was a St.
+Cuthbert's man in it, and other pleasant things which did not annoy me,
+since I, having been a butt for much personal criticism all my life,
+can even get some satisfaction from finding that a crowd of other
+people are as bad as I am.  Besides, we had nearly one hundred and
+fifty men at St. Cuthbert's, and I thought it was absolutely stupid to
+say we were all prigs and that none of us could row.
+
+The truth of the matter was, as far as I could judge, that at St.
+Cuthbert's there were often a large number of clever men, and clever
+men when young can get on one's nerves most terribly.  It is all right
+for men to be clever when they are old or even middle-aged, then
+allowances are made for them and they may be as odd as they please.
+But if any one happens to be clever when he is at Oxford, he will have
+to watch himself closely or he will be called either a genius or a
+lunatic, and the one is almost as fatal as the other.
+
+In a college as large as St. Cuthbert's it was natural that there
+should be a number of different sets.  We had several men who are best
+described by the word "bloods"; two or three of them belonged to the
+Bullingdon, a few of them to Vincent's, of which Club most of "the
+blues" in the 'Varsity were members, and nearly all had plenty of money
+and every one of them lived as if they had plenty.  I cannot call them
+athletic, though they and the really athletic set were more or less
+mixed up together.  We had also a very serious set who, I thought, gave
+themselves far too many airs.  Perhaps serious is not quite the right
+word to apply to them, for one of this gang wrote a comic opera and
+another wrote a farce; but these were just thrown out in their spare
+time, and when I attended a reading of the libretto of the comic opera
+I went so fast asleep that I cannot say how comic it was.  But if it
+had been very funny I should think some one would have laughed loud
+enough to wake me up.  Generally speaking this set seemed to be bent on
+the reformation of England, a thing which has happened once and is
+rather a difficult matter for a college debating society to bring about
+again.  The reformation which they were bent upon was not, however,
+religious, for they thought little of the religion which satisfies
+ordinary people.  One of them told me that religion was merely
+emotional and sentimental, a crutch for a weak man, and went on to say
+that their scheme was moral and social, a cry for a better life and
+against the oppression of the poor.  That man bored me terribly, but
+since one of his own set had told me that he was the cleverest man in
+Oxford I did not like to tell him what I thought.  Besides I was only a
+fresher who had not yet looked around, and he was the first man I had
+met who was the cleverest man in Oxford, though I met several others
+afterwards who had arrived at the same peak of distinction.  I even got
+so weary of meeting this particular brand of man that I asked Jack Ward
+to help me along my way by spreading a report that I was a most
+promising poet, but he said that no one who had ever seen me would
+believe him.  He meant to be complimentary, I believe.
+
+It was into this medley of sets that I was plunged headlong.  Crowds of
+men called upon me and asked me to meals.  Some of them wanted to know
+me because I played cricket and football, the captain of the college
+boat called because he wanted me to row, some of the "bloods" left
+cards on me because they had seen me walking about with Jack Ward, whom
+they had marked down as one of themselves.  A few men called from other
+colleges who had known me at Cliborough, or had been asked to see
+something of me because their people knew mine.  I got to know the
+oddest lot of men imaginable, and as long as they looked clean and did
+not try to rush me into helping them to reform the world, I liked them
+all.
+
+But in spite of Ward, who pretended that Rugby football was an
+overrated amusement, I wanted to belong to the athletic set, and I
+started by playing footer in a thing which is most correctly called
+"The Freshers' Squash."  In this struggle any fresher who had never
+played rugger in his life, but thought he would like some exercise,
+could play, while footer blues dodged round and took your names, if you
+were lucky enough to touch the ball, and booked you for the proper
+game.  On the following day I played back in the real freshers' match,
+and was most tremendously encouraged before I started by hearing one
+man say to another that I had come up with a big reputation from
+Cliborough.  Perhaps I was encouraged too much, or possibly I had eaten
+too heavy a luncheon, for whatever reputation I might have had before
+the game began, was effectually dispersed before we had finished
+playing; and Foster, who was playing three-quarters on the other side,
+was the man who assisted me in this dismally easy task.  Four times he
+came right away from everybody, and once he slipped down in front of
+me, but on the other three occasions he simply swerved away from me and
+I missed him by yards.  The man who had been full back to the 'Varsity
+XV. the year before had gone down, and Foster had put into my head the
+idea that I ought to have a jolly good chance of getting my blue.  This
+match was a very rude blow, and when I put on my coat and walked out of
+the parks I felt that I had been very badly treated.  I was not at all
+sure with whom I was most angry, but I had a general feeling that
+whatever I tried to do went most hopelessly wrong, and that I was much
+better fitted to sit in a dog-cart with Jack Ward, than I was to stand
+up in a footer-field and be made a fool of by Fred Foster.
+
+As luck would have it the first man I saw when I went into the college
+was Ward, and he shouted with laughter when he saw me.
+
+"I went down to the parks to see you," he said, "but for heaven's sake
+don't look so down on your luck.  I don't see that it matters, there
+are other things worth doing besides trying to collar impossible
+people.  If you don't have to play again I shall think you are
+thundering well out of it."
+
+If anybody had said this to me at school I should have thought that he
+was mad, but during the few days I had been at Oxford I had somehow or
+other got hopelessly mixed up.  Foster wanted me to do one thing,
+Murray advised me to do another, Ward kept on asking me to slack, and a
+fellow called Dennison, whom I had met several times, seemed to think
+that Oxford was a tremendous joke and that the most amusing people in
+it were the dons.
+
+At any rate I was not in the least angry at Ward's way of taking my
+wretched exhibition, so I asked him and Dennison and two or three other
+freshers, who were standing around in the quad, to come and have tea
+with me, and that tea was the beginning of my first big row.  I had not
+finished my bath when I was sorry I had asked them, for I remembered
+that before the game had begun Foster had asked me to go round
+afterwards to see him, and I had a sort of feeling that if he had made
+an idiot of himself, and I had caused him to do so, he would have most
+certainly not been as angry as I was.  However, I had let myself in for
+this tea and had to go through with it, and I must say that it was very
+good fun.
+
+If, as some wit said, only a dull man can be brilliant at breakfast, it
+seems to me that if the converse of this is true St. Cuthbert's must
+have contained an extraordinary number of brilliant men.  The
+amusements of a breakfast given by a senior man to half-a-dozen
+freshers were principally food and silence.  It is, I think, dreadfully
+difficult to talk to a batch of freshers, and only one man, as far as
+my experience went, overcame the difficulty.  He resorted to the simple
+means of telling us what a wonderful man he was.  But when we were
+alone we chattered like a lot of starlings, every one talked and no one
+listened, so we got on well together.
+
+Ward and Dennison came up to my rooms before I was dressed, and two
+other men, Lambert and Collier, arrived soon afterwards.  It was a
+party of which Ward strongly approved.  While I was trying to make the
+kettle boil, I heard Dennison say that we were the pick of the
+freshers, a statement which no one was very likely to deny.  I felt
+badly in need of some tonic after my afternoon, and I swallowed the one
+provided by Dennison without any hesitation, not stopping to wonder how
+often he had said the same thing to other men.  As a matter-of-fact we
+were rather an odd lot to be the pick of anybody.
+
+Dennison looked younger than any boy in the sixth form at Cliborough,
+and he could, on occasions, blush most bashfully.  His blush was,
+however, the only bashful thing about him and he used it very seldom.
+Ward had told me that although Dennison looked such a kid he knew a
+tremendous lot.  I discovered this for myself later on, but I cannot
+say that his knowledge was the kind which is difficult to acquire.  He
+professed a wholesale contempt for any game at which he could get his
+mouth full of dirt, and said that he would as soon make mud-pies as
+play football.
+
+Lambert was hugely tall and walked with a stride which was as long as
+it was stately.  He went in for dressing himself beautifully, strummed
+on the banjo, and had a playful little habit of arranging his tie in
+any mirror which he saw.  His pride in himself was so monstrously open
+that no one with a grain of humour could be angry with him.  He talked
+about every game under the sun as if they were all equally easy to him,
+but I should not think that any one was ever found who believed half of
+what he said.
+
+Collier's great point was the beam which he kept on his face, he always
+looked so perfectly delighted to see you that he was a most effective
+cure for depression.  He was fat and did not mind, which persuaded me
+that he was very easy to please.  Nature had prevented him from playing
+football with any success, but for six or seven overs, on a cool day,
+he was reported to be a dangerous fast bowler.
+
+As Jack Ward thought that no ball yet made was worth worrying when he
+could ride, drive, or even be driven, and since I was feeling about as
+sick with footer as it is possible for any one who had got a love for
+the game in him to be, I confess that we were a peculiar lot to think
+much of ourselves.
+
+My room was not made to hold five people, who, with the exception of
+Dennison, were all either very broad or long, but a good honest squash
+certainly makes for friendship.  We were a fairly rowdy party, because
+Lambert had brought his banjo and as soon as he had finished tea he
+wanted to sing; in fact it may be said of him that he was always
+wanting to sing and could never find any one who wished to listen to
+him.  I had already heard him sing some sentimental rubbish about
+meeting by moonlight and another thing about stars and souls, and I
+threw a cushion at his head as soon as he began to make some noise
+which he called "tuning up."  That began a cushion fight, which
+resulted in two china shepherdesses, a small lamp, and some teacups
+being smashed, but it persuaded Lambert that he could not sing whenever
+he felt inclined.  We all sat down again, and Ward, who had been
+hanging on to the standard lamp while cushions had been flying around,
+said to me--
+
+"You did look down on your luck when I saw you in the quad.  I can't
+think why anybody should take these wretched games so seriously; it
+seems to me a perfectly rotten thing to do."
+
+"No game is worth playing in which it matters to any one else whether
+you win or lose," Dennison said before I had a chance to answer Ward;
+"the only games a self-respecting man can play are court tennis,
+racquets and golf.  Then there is no one to swear at you except
+yourself."
+
+"That's rubbish," I answered.  "Half the fun of the thing is belonging
+to a side, and a man must be mad to say that golf is a better game than
+cricket."
+
+"Dennison wasn't trying to make out that golf is better than cricket,
+but was just saying what games a man can play without being sworn at as
+if he were a coolie," Ward said.
+
+"I refuse to take amusements seriously," Dennison continued.  "I would
+sooner shout with laughter at a funeral than lose my temper playing a
+game."
+
+"The sweetest thing on earth," I said, "is to catch a fast half-volley
+to leg plumb in the middle of the bat."
+
+"It isn't in the same street with a comic opera at the Savoy after a
+good dinner," Lambert remarked.
+
+"At any rate it doesn't last so long," Dennison, who had a queer idea
+of what was funny, put in.
+
+"A punt, good cushions, June, and a novel by one of those people who
+make you feel sleepy, are hard to beat," Collier stated.
+
+"You are a Sybarite," Dennison said, "and you will be a disappointed
+one before long.  All we do here in the summer is to give our relations
+strawberries and cream and run with our college eight."
+
+"How do you know?" Collier asked, but to so searching a question he got
+no reply.
+
+"The finest sight in the world is a thoroughbred horse," Ward said.
+
+"You must have gone about with your eyes shut," Dennison declared.
+
+"Don't sit there talking rot," I said.  "If anything ever pleases you,
+tell us what it is."
+
+"My greatest pleasure is in polite conversation," he answered.
+
+"Oh, you are a sarcastic idiot," I retorted, for people who are
+afflicted by thinking themselves funny when I think they are idiotic
+always make me rude.
+
+"Dennison never says what he means," Ward explained, "it is a little
+habit of his."
+
+"Why can't you talk straight, it's much simpler, and doesn't make me
+feel so horribly uncomfortable?" I asked, turning to Dennison.
+
+"Marten is getting angry," was the only answer I received, and it was
+so near the truth that I wanted to pick him up and drop him in the
+passage.
+
+Ward, however, calmed my feelings by saying that he could not imagine
+any one troubling to be angry with Dennison.  "The one thing he prides
+himself on is getting a rise out of people, and we aren't such fools as
+he thinks us."
+
+"And he is a much bigger fool than he thinks," Collier said solemnly.
+
+"You are a nice complimentary lot," Dennison remarked, smiling amiably
+upon us.
+
+"It's your own fault," Collier continued; "you try to be clever and
+succeed in being confoundedly dull.  I was at school with him for five
+years and I know his only strong point is that the more you abuse him
+the more he likes you."
+
+"I'm fairly in love with you, Coalheaver," Dennison said.
+
+"Naturally, but you might forget that very witty name."
+
+"I'm going," Lambert declared, "for I'm dining in hall, and if I don't
+go for a walk those kromeskis and quenelles will choke me."
+
+"Half a minute," and Ward pushed Lambert back into his seat; "now we
+are all here, I think we had better arrange a freshers' wine.  There
+always is one, and nobody will get it up if we don't, so I vote we do
+the thing properly."
+
+Every one seemed to approve of the idea, but as I was no use at making
+arrangements I suggested that Ward should manage the whole business.
+
+"I can order everything, but we must have a committee to choose the
+people we shall ask and all that part of it.  We can't ask everybody,"
+Ward said.
+
+"Half of them won't come if we do.  I should think we had better ask
+the whole lot, and then we shall know what they are made of," Lambert
+advised.
+
+"We shan't have a room big enough to hold them," Collier said.
+
+After that we all began to talk, and though I had only a hazy notion of
+what we decided, I heard enough to know that Ward and Dennison meant
+having this wine in about ten days and only intended to ask the
+freshers whom they liked.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+UNEXPECTED PEOPLE
+
+The idea of working for Mr. Gilbert Edwardes never had much attraction
+for me, and for the first two or three weeks at Oxford I found it very
+difficult to satisfy him.  However, the excuse that I took a long time
+to settle down in a fresh place did not seem as reasonable to him as it
+did to me, so I had to abandon it and try to appease him.  The worst of
+him was that I never knew whether he was pleased or not; he accepted my
+most determined efforts at scholarship as a matter of course and
+reserved his eloquence for the occasions on which my work showed
+symptoms of haste.  In less than a fortnight I felt that my tutor and I
+were watching each other, an element of distrust seemed to have sprung
+up; he took it for granted that I would do as little as possible, while
+I was searching for something which could tell me that he was human as
+well as learned.
+
+I could not understand him in the least, for I had been accustomed to
+masters who talked about things of which I knew a little even if they
+were bored by doing so; but when I met Mr. Edwardes I felt that he
+belonged to the ice period, and that he would think the smallest thaw a
+waste of time.
+
+I do like a human being, I mean a man who lets you know something about
+him and does not barricade himself against you.  But a man who puts up
+the shutters in front of his virtues and faults bothers me most
+terribly, and I always seem to be bumping my head against something
+invisible whenever I see him, which is a most disconcerting performance.
+
+Mr. Edwardes was also Murray's tutor, but Murray was not afflicted, as
+I was, with the desire to know people more than they wanted to be
+known, and he told me that if I would only take Edwardes as I found him
+we should get on together splendidly.  In spite of Jack Ward, I saw
+Murray every day, and the more I knew of him the more I liked him.  He
+was in my room one evening after Ward had arranged that we were to have
+a freshers' wine, and I asked him if he was coming to it.
+
+"I can't go unless I am asked," he said, "and I shan't go now if I am
+asked."
+
+I resolved to say a few things to Ward, but I did not know what to say
+to Murray.
+
+"Ward is asking everybody he wants, isn't he?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes it was left to him and Dennison, I believe."
+
+"Then I am not likely to be invited, for he and I never could do
+anything but have rows with each other at Wellingham."
+
+"What about?" I asked, for Murray had never said much about Ward to me
+and I wanted to hear his side of the quarrel.
+
+"It isn't worth repeating," he answered.  "I was head of the school and
+Ward thought a friend of his ought to have seen.  He thinks I am a smug
+because I have to work, and I suppose I think he is a fool because he
+thinks I am a smug.  He is a queer sort, and it is hopeless for me to
+try to be friends with him, even if I wanted to be, and I don't."
+
+"He is a fairly good cricketer, isn't he?" I asked, for I had
+discovered that when Murray had once made up his mind no efforts of
+mine would change it.
+
+"Yes, he would have got into the XI. quite easily only he was so slack,
+and the master who looked after our cricket couldn't stand him.  It was
+rather a swindle that he didn't get into the team all the same."
+
+"I hate slackers," I said, and to prove it I set to work on some Homer
+for Edwardes.  Murray got his books and we slaved together for nearly
+two hours, when a most timid knock sounded on my door, and a man came
+in who seemed to be most fearfully nervous.  He was carrying a gown and
+a cap in his hand, and he looked at Murray, who was not at all an
+alarming sight, as if he had encountered a wild man from one of those
+regions where wild men are bred.  I had never had much practice at
+putting any one at their ease, for most people hit me on the back and
+call me "old fellow" far too soon; but I tried very hard to calm my
+visitor, and though it was six o'clock I asked him to have tea and
+every conceivable other thing I could think of, all of which he
+refused.  He told me his name was Owen, but apart from that I knew
+nothing, and the more he fidgeted with the tassel of his cap the more I
+wondered why he had come.
+
+Murray, however, guessed that he was in the way and hurried off as soon
+as he could.  Then Owen made two or three unsuccessful efforts to
+begin, until I felt that I must offer him something more, only I had
+nothing left to offer.  The man who said that hospitality covers a
+multitude of emotions went nearer the mark than most of those
+word-turning people do.  But at last it all came out in jerks, and I
+felt most thoroughly sorry for him; if I had been in his place I am
+certain I should never have faced such an ordeal.
+
+"I didn't like to tell you why I had come before your friend," he
+began; and he still twisted his cap round and round by the tassel.  "I
+suppose a sort of false modesty prevented me, but I might just as well
+have spoken before him."
+
+"Murray is a most awfully good sort," I said lamely, for I wanted to
+help him so much that my head felt hot and I could not think.
+
+"I expect he is," Owen went on, "but I haven't come to be friends with
+your friends.  I only wanted to see you, and the reason is that over
+twenty years ago in India your father saved my father's life."
+
+I did feel relieved when he told me that, for I had been imagining that
+he was the kind of man who is known as a freak, and had come to win me
+over to some stupid crank which he would call a noble cause.
+
+"I am most tremendously glad you have come," I said, and then I began
+talking about my father's old regiment, and Owen could not get a word
+in until I had finished.
+
+"You don't understand," he said, as soon as he got a chance; "when you
+talk about a regiment you only think of the officers, my father was one
+of the men."
+
+"I don't see what that matters as long as his life was saved."
+
+"It does matter," Owen replied; "it matters here very much, where there
+is not much liberality except in offering meals and things not wanted."
+I moved my feet and kicked the fender, the fire-irons jangled together
+and he went on: "I ought not to have said that, it is my blundering way
+to say the thing I oughtn't; what I meant was that Oxford is not very
+liberal to a man like I am, who is here by hard work, and not because
+his fathers and grandfathers were here before him.  It is impossible in
+a place of sets--social, athletic, and all the rest--for a man who has
+to work to keep himself, to be treated in the same way as you, for
+instance, are treated.  I am not what the world calls a gentleman."
+
+"Oh, confound the world," I said, "it is always mixed up in my mind
+with the flesh and the devil," and as Owen did not say anything for a
+minute I asked him what college he was at.
+
+"I am unattached, St. Catherine's if you like; we are called 'The
+Toshers,'" he answered, and there was a note of bitterness in his
+voice.  "Of course," he went on, "I am boring you to death, but I must
+say that I should never have come to see you if my father had not made
+me promise that I would.  He takes a tremendous interest in both your
+brother and you; he knows the place your brother passed into Sandhurst
+and where he was in the list when he went out, and last summer he
+watched for your name in _The Sportsman_, and when you got any wickets
+he was as pleased as Punch.  He writes to Colonel Marten still."
+
+I wished I could have said that my father had mentioned him to me, but
+if I had I am certain that Owen would have seen that I was not telling
+the truth.  "My father," I tried to explain, "never talks about
+anything he has done.  If your father had saved his life I should have
+heard of it a hundred times."
+
+"You have the knack of saying the right thing, I shall never get that
+if I live to be a hundred;" and then he stood up, and putting a hand on
+the mantel-piece looked at the photographs of my people, but he did not
+say what he thought about them.
+
+"If I did say the right thing, it was a most fearful fluke," I said,
+for I could not be silent.  "I simply hate men who walk about patting
+themselves on the back because they have had what they call success
+with a remark."
+
+He did not listen to what I was saying, but stood staring into the
+fire; at last he turned round and held out a hand to me.
+
+"I must thank you," he began; "and there is one other thing I have got
+to ask you before I say good-bye.  My father asked me to make you
+promise that you would never mention what I have told you about his
+life being saved by your father, or anything about him.  It seems to be
+a sort of compact, I don't understand it.  He doesn't want your people
+to know anything about me, but only you."
+
+I promised, of course, but I felt rather bothered.
+
+"We may meet some day in the street," he said, and he pushed his hand
+into mine; but I let it go, and told him to sit down again.  For this
+last speech of his was annoying, he had evidently got a wrong idea of
+me.
+
+"It is no use talking rot," I said.  "To begin with, what on earth have
+you got to thank me for?"
+
+"If Colonel Marten hadn't saved my father's life, I should never have
+been born," he said.
+
+"And you have come to thank me for that?" I said, and I did not mean to
+be rude.
+
+"I was told to, you see," he answered.
+
+I looked at him and we both laughed, though I went on laughing long
+after he had stopped.  The idea of me being thanked for anybody's
+existence was beautifully comic.
+
+"It is very good of you to have come," I said, as soon as I could; "but
+I don't deserve any thanks and you know that I don't."
+
+"You haven't got much to do with it, perhaps, but you were here and I
+should never have been forgiven if I hadn't come to see you.  I shan't
+come again."
+
+"Oh, bosh," I replied.  "What's the good of talking stuff like that?
+Of course you will come again, and I am coming to see you, if I may.
+How long have you been up here?"
+
+"This is the beginning of my third year."
+
+"What did you get in Mods?" I asked, for I felt sure that he had done
+well.
+
+"A First," he answered.
+
+"I wish I had.  Where do you live?"
+
+"I shan't tell you."
+
+"You may just as well, for I shall easily find out."
+
+He stood up again, and talked as he strode up and down my room.
+
+"I have been here two years," he began, "and I know that it is
+impossible for us to be friends; and when you have thought it over you
+will think as I do.  My father teaches fencing and boxing in London; I
+was educated at a school you never heard of; I am helped here by an old
+gentleman who discovered that I was more or less intelligent.  He has a
+mania for experiments, and I am his latest hobby.  Have I said enough
+to put you off, or must I go on?"
+
+"I suppose I can please myself when I choose my friends," I said.
+
+"That you most certainly can't do here," he answered.  "Let me alone
+and I won't bother you any more.  Good-night, your bell is going for
+dinner."
+
+He walked straight out of my room, and before he had closed the door
+Jack Ward rushed in.
+
+"Who is that man?" he asked at once.
+
+"I am not going to tell you," I answered, for I wanted time to think.
+
+"Well he is a funny-looking Johnny anyway, looks as pale as a codfish
+and as solemn as a boiled owl.  You do collect an odd set of friends;
+there's that man Foster, who seems to be deaf and dumb, and Murray, who
+gives me the blues whenever I see him, and then this apparition."
+
+"You can just shut up jawing," I answered, as I hunted round for my
+gown; "when I want you to criticize my friends I will tell you.
+Foster's worth about ten billion of you any day."
+
+I was very angry, but Ward only laughed and told me to hurry up unless
+I wanted the soup to be cold.
+
+"We are going to have a little roulette in my rooms to-night," he said,
+as we walked across the quad.  "Will you come?"
+
+"No, I won't," I answered, and I let him go into the hall first, and as
+soon as he had chosen his seat I got as far from him as I could.  I saw
+him talking to Collier, and they seemed to be amused, which did not
+lessen my annoyance.  If the freshers' wine had been held on that
+evening, I am very nearly sure that I should not have gone to it.
+
+After dinner I waylaid Murray, and dragged him off to see Foster at
+Oriel.  Two days before Foster had been playing rugger for the 'Varsity
+against the London Scottish, and I had neither seen the game, because I
+had to play in a college match on the same afternoon, nor had I seen
+him since.  I wanted to hear whether he was satisfied with himself, but
+I wanted also to tell him about Owen.
+
+We found him in the college lodge talking to a whole lot of men, but as
+soon as he saw us he grabbed one man and took us to his rooms.  I did
+not want this fourth fellow, but since he was there I must say that
+Foster could not have got any one nicer.  His name was Henderson, and
+he had been so successful as captain of his school cricket XI. that he
+had played three times for Somersetshire during August.  His legs and
+arms were extraordinarily long and his face was covered with freckles;
+one freckle had placed itself on the tip of his nose and I did not get
+accustomed to it for a long time--it was the sort of thing which one
+kept on looking at to see if it was still there.  He would not talk
+about his cricket, except to say that he should not have played for
+Somersetshire if half the regular team had not been laid up, and he
+kept on clamouring to play whist, so that at last we gave way to him.
+
+I had a good opinion of my whist, though how I arrived at it I cannot
+explain.  Henderson was my partner and he seemed to me to do the most
+odd things.  For instance when I led a spade and he took the trick,
+instead of leading another spade he would begin some fresh suit, which
+made me wonder what in the world he was doing.  And he did not seem to
+think his trumps half as valuable as I thought mine, but just led them
+whenever he felt inclined.  When Nina, Foster and I played whist it was
+considered pretty bad form to lead trumps when we had anything else to
+lead, and we kept them for a big outburst at the finish.  I pitied
+myself considerably for having Henderson as a partner, and I was very
+surprised to see Murray doing the same odd sort of things.  So at the
+end of one rubber Foster and I played together, but I cannot say that
+we had much luck, and just at the end I made a revoke which Murray was
+brute enough to notice.  When Henderson had gone I said that he seemed
+to be a rare good sort, but it was a pity he did not know a little more
+about whist.  I hoped Murray would take that remark partly to himself,
+because at the end of every hand he had talked to Henderson about what
+might have happened if he had led a different card, and sometimes he
+even went on jawing when he had got his fresh hand, which quite put me
+off my game.  But all Murray did was to laugh, while Foster said to me
+that he was afraid our way of playing whist was all wrong, and I had
+some difficulty in persuading him that it was not.  Then Murray said
+something about reading Cavendish carefully, but I had heard some one
+say that Cavendish was out of date, so I borrowed this man's opinion
+and expressed it as my own, which amused Murray so much that if I had
+not been sorry for him I believe I should have lost my temper.
+
+At last, however, we stopped discussing whist, and after I had made
+Foster and Murray swear they would tell no one else, I gave them an
+account of Owen coming to see me.  Before I began Foster declared that
+the reason I bound them to keep my secret was because I wanted to tell
+it to every one myself.  In fact he expected the whole thing to be some
+miserable little affair, for I had a habit, which I have since
+abandoned, of extracting the most terrific promises of secrecy from my
+friends and then telling them something which they did not think as
+important as I did.  I started that game because I had once told
+something really funny to a lot of fellows at Cliborough, and they went
+and spread it about so quickly that I could never find any one else who
+did not know it, which was simply nothing less than a fraud.
+
+But as soon as I had got fairly into my tale I saw that both Foster and
+Murray were interested, and at the end of it I asked them what I was to
+do.
+
+"Do you think he meant that he wouldn't have anything more to do with
+you, or that he just wanted to show you that he would leave you to
+decide what was to happen next?" Murray asked.
+
+"I don't know what he meant," I answered.  "He seemed to be in a rage
+with the whole of Oxford, only it was not a noisy sort of rage but a
+kind of smouldering business, and perhaps I only imagined the whole
+thing."
+
+"What was he like to look at?" Foster inquired.
+
+"Pale and dark, and he looked unwell without looking unwholesome," I
+replied.
+
+"I saw him," Murray said, "and I thought he would have been rather nice
+if he hadn't been so nervous.  He has got great big eyes and about half
+an acre of forehead."
+
+"He wore a flannel shirt and a turned-down collar, and looked clean," I
+told Foster, for I thought he had better know everything.
+
+"Ask him to lunch and Murray and me to meet him," Foster suggested.
+
+"I can't ask a senior man to lunch, it would show that I thought it
+didn't make any difference in his case, and I think he would be on the
+look-out for things like that.  Besides, he wouldn't come."
+
+"I should leave him alone," Murray said.
+
+"I shan't do that, it would make me feel a brute," I replied.
+
+"Find out where he lives and I will come with you and see him.  I know
+your father, so it will be all right," Foster proposed.
+
+"He has called on me, so he can't mind me going to see him, and I
+should like to take you with me.  I'll let you know as soon as I have
+found out where his rooms are;" and then, as it was getting late,
+Foster came down with us to the lodge, and I was half out of the door
+before I remembered to ask him about his footer.
+
+"I am playing against Cooper's Hill on Wednesday," he said; "but I
+shall be kicked out if I don't play any better than I did on Saturday."
+
+As we walked up King Edward Street Murray did nothing but talk about
+Foster, and since I was always delighted whenever I could get any one
+on that subject I did not look half carefully enough where I was going.
+Murray was in cap and gown, but I was not wearing what is sometimes
+magnificently called "academical attire," but had on a cloth cap.  It
+had never occurred to me that we were likely to meet the "proggins,"
+but as I turned into The High we ran full tilt into him, and before I
+had time to think of running, a "bulldog" had told me that the proctor
+would like to speak to me.  There was no way out of it, so I turned to
+gratify this unforeseen gentleman and found that he was my tutor, Mr.
+Edwardes.  He did not trouble to go through the usual formula of asking
+me whether I belonged to the University and all the rest of it, but
+told me to call upon him the next morning.  He spoke so quickly that I
+could not hear what time he told me to come, but I supposed any time
+would do.
+
+"Did you know that Edwardes was a proctor?" I asked Murray, as soon as
+we could go on.
+
+"Some one told me he was; he is a junior proctor, I think."
+
+"And a vile nuisance," I added.  "He will be more down on me than ever
+now."
+
+"There is no harm in walking about without cap and gown," Murray said.
+
+"I'll bet Edwardes thinks there is," I answered, and as I was feeling
+furious at being caught so simply, I gave a tremendous hammer upon the
+door of St. Cuthbert's, and when I wished the porter good-night he
+glared at me and did not answer.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+THE WINE
+
+The faculty of making people angry without meaning to do so is a most
+fatal possession.  When I remember the men I know who seem to be
+constitutionally unpleasant and who walk about saying sarcastic things,
+I do think I am unlucky.  For I annoy people quite unintentionally, and
+it must be the most stupid way of bringing about a bad result.  I get
+no fun for my money, so to speak.  Honestly I did not hear at what time
+Mr. Edwardes told me to call upon him, and when I strolled over to his
+rooms about eleven o'clock on the following morning, I had no idea that
+he was likely to be more than usually displeased.  But it did not take
+me a moment to discover that he was very angry indeed.  From what he
+told me it seemed that I ought to have appeared at nine o'clock with
+many other men as unfortunate as I was, and he evidently considered
+that I had not come at the proper hour because I had thought that one
+time would do as well as another.  I told him that I did not hear him
+mention any particular time, but I do not think he believed me, and
+after I had paid him five shillings for being without my cap and gown
+he did not even thank me, but looked first at his watch and then at a
+long list which he had on his table.
+
+"It is now a quarter-past eleven, and I believe Mr. Armitage's lecture
+at Merton begins at eleven o'clock.  May I ask why you have decided not
+to attend his lecture this morning?" and he screwed his mouth up until
+it seemed to disappear.
+
+His question was difficult to answer, because I could not tell him that
+Murray and I had decided that Mr. Armitage lectured very badly, and
+that I had expressed my intention of cutting his lectures whenever I
+felt inclined.  So I said that I had forgotten Mr. Armitage's lecture,
+which happened to be the truth.
+
+"I am afraid, Mr. Marten, that you take a very light view of your
+responsibilities," he said.  "It is unusual, I imagine, for an
+exhibitioner of a college to interview the proctor as soon as you have
+done; the college authorities naturally expect their scholars and
+exhibitioners to obey the rules of the University, and they also expect
+them to apply themselves earnestly to their studies.  At the present
+moment I am unable to consider that you have realized either of these
+expectations."
+
+"Well, sir, they are early days yet," I said with a smile, for I
+thought it was best to take a cheery view of the situation.
+
+"This is no jest," he replied, and his teeth snapped together very
+disagreeably.
+
+"I did not mistake it for one," I said, and I wanted to be amicable;
+"but being without cap and gown last night is not a very awful offence,
+is it?  The proctors would have a very dull time if they did not catch
+men sometimes."
+
+I cannot imagine why I made that last remark, except that he had fixed
+his little eyes upon me when I began and it seemed to be dragged out of
+me.
+
+"I do not think that you need trouble yourself about the duties of the
+proctors, Mr. Marten.  Good-morning, and please remember what I have
+said to you."
+
+I left his room smiling, and I am sure he thought I was laughing at
+him; but what really amused me was being called "Mr. Marten," for I had
+not grown accustomed to my prefix and the sound of it was most comical
+to me.  I am afraid my taste for jokes was very different from that of
+my tutor.
+
+When I came away from Mr. Edwardes I stood in the front quadrangle and
+whistled.  My whistle is unmusical and penetrative, useful only when a
+dog has been lost, and some man, whom I did not know, put his head out
+of his window and said abruptly, "For heaven's sake shut up that vile
+noise;" another man chucked a penny into the quad and told me he should
+send something heavier if I did not stop.  The front quad was obviously
+no place for me, but before I had made up my mind where I would go the
+Warden came out of his house and saw me before I saw him.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Marten," he said before I could escape; "it is so
+unusual to find a beautiful quadrangle totally uninhabited that you
+seem to be undecided whether to leave it or not.  Your whistle as I
+stood by the open window of my bedroom suggested to me that you are not
+employing your time most advantageously either to yourself or to
+others."
+
+He stood by me for a moment, and then moving on with his peculiar
+shuffle disappeared through the doorway leading into the college
+gardens.  My nerves were becoming upset from these constant encounters,
+and as I felt that I could not sit down and work until I had some kind
+of an antidote, I went up to see Jack Ward, who had rooms in the front
+quadrangle.
+
+I found him, as I thought, most beautifully unemployed, but as soon as
+he had asked me whether my temper was better in the morning than at
+night, of which remark I took no notice, he said that he was being
+worried to death.
+
+There were two telegrams lying on his table, and I thought something
+awful had happened to his people, so I tried to look sympathetic and
+replied that if he would rather be left alone I would go at once.  Then
+he broke forth into the language of towing-paths and barges and asked
+me whether I was a lunatic, which was a fairly nasty question when I
+thought I was treating his trouble in a becoming spirit.  I was not,
+however, sure what was the matter with him, so I did not say what I
+might have said but asked him to tell me why he was bothered.
+
+"You see it is like this," he answered, picking up both the telegrams;
+"one of our groom fellows at home has a brother who knows everything
+about Blackmore's stable, and he has just wired to me that Dainty Dick
+will win the Flying Welter at Hurst Park to-day, and I was off to back
+it when I get a wire from my tipster, Tom Webb, that The Philosopher
+can't lose the same race.  It is Tom's 'double nap' and I am in a hole
+what to do."
+
+As I had never heard before of Dainty Dick, The Philosopher, Tom Webb
+or Blackmore, I did not feel in a position to give advice, but I
+laughed until I felt quite unwell, and Ward walked about the room
+asking violently why I was amused.
+
+"I thought some of your people were ill when I came in here," I said
+after some minutes, "and the whole thing turns out to be some gibberish
+nonsense about Tom Webb, a tipster, and some rotten horses."
+
+"You are most refreshingly green," Ward replied, and he screwed the
+telegrams together and threw them into the fire.
+
+"What are you going to do?" I inquired.
+
+"That's just it, I can't make up my mind.  Tom Webb has sent me twelve
+stiff 'uns running, and if The Philosopher won and I wasn't on it I
+should swear for a month."
+
+"Then," I said wisely, "I think you had better back The Philosopher;
+you ought to think a little of your friends."
+
+The only answer I received to my suggestion was that of all the fools
+in Oxford I was the most sublime, so I told him that if he backed
+either of these horses he would be proving that, at any rate, I was not
+absolutely the biggest fool he knew.  But he had begun to read racing
+guides and calendars, and every now and then made notes upon a piece of
+paper, so he treated my retort with contempt.
+
+"I believe," he said, with a pencil between his teeth, "that Dainty
+Dick can give The Philosopher about eleven pounds, and he has only to
+give him four, so I shall back The Philosopher."
+
+"That doesn't seem very good reasoning," I ventured to remark.
+
+"My opinion's always wrong," he explained, "but I have a thundering
+good mind to back both of 'em."
+
+"It seems the quickest way of losing your money," I said.
+
+"Don't be such a confounded ass.  I know about some of these stables, a
+man is a fool if you like who bets and doesn't know."  He shut up his
+betting-book with a bang, and I told him the only tale I knew about
+racing.
+
+"I have a cousin," I began, "who owned racehorses and all the rest of
+it.  He lost every penny he had, and a lot more besides.  He knew, as
+you call it."  I did not feel that my tale, though it had the merit of
+being true, was a good one.
+
+"It is no use for you to sit there and conjure up tragedies," Ward
+replied.  "I can't help gambling, it is in my blood; my father is about
+the biggest speculator in England.  If you want a good tip, buy
+Susquehambo Consolidated Rubies."
+
+I was not inclined to buy anything except a fox-terrier pup, and I told
+Ward that he would come a most howling cropper if he did not look out.
+But I have never yet happened to find the man who was inclined to take
+my warnings seriously, and Jack Ward, at any rate, was so naturally
+optimistic, that I might have known that he would take no notice
+whatever of my advice.
+
+"I shall back both Dainty Dick and The Philosopher," he said, when I
+had finished; "come down to Wright's with me, and I will have a fiver
+on each of them.  I don't get tips like these every day."
+
+He put on his cap and tried to persuade me to go with him, but I was
+sick of the man, he seemed to me to be simply throwing his money away;
+so I went back to my rooms, and finding that Murray had been to
+Armitage's lecture, I borrowed his notes and copied them into my book,
+though Murray said, and I thought, that I was wasting my time.
+
+I did not see Ward again until after five o'clock, when he brought an
+evening paper and a cheerful countenance into my rooms and told me that
+Dainty Dick had won the Flying Welter, and The Philosopher had been
+second.  "Two pretty good tips, my boy," he said; "nothing but your
+obstinacy prevented your being on."
+
+Collier had been having tea with me, and was to all appearances asleep
+when Ward came in, but without opening his eyes he said, "Betting is a
+mug's game.  What price did this brute start at?"
+
+"I don't know until I get the next evening paper, but it is sure to be
+a good price; there were twelve runners, and they are sure to have
+backed The Philosopher."
+
+"You are a rotter," Collier stated; "if you are going to stay here,
+don't talk racing to us.  I don't know anything about it and don't want
+to."
+
+"I know a real hot thing for the Manchester November Handicap, been
+kept for months," Ward said quite cheerfully.
+
+"We don't want to hear it," I said.
+
+"I am thundering well not going to tell you anyway.  You two men ought
+to be in bed, I am going to find some one who is not half asleep," Ward
+answered, and he went away with unnecessary noise.
+
+Both Collier and I had promised to go to Lambert's rooms after dinner
+on that evening; he had asked us because he said we ought to have a
+talk about the freshers' wine, but we knew well enough that he intended
+to twang his wretched banjo and sing little love songs which made the
+night hideous.  If only he would have sung comic things he might not
+have caused such wholesale pain, though I should not like to speak
+positively upon that point.  I did not go to this entertainment
+immediately after dinner, and when I arrived I found the usual gang,
+Ward, Dennison and Collier, and one other man who turned out to be
+Bunny Langham.  Everybody except Collier was playing a game of cards
+called "Bank," the chief merit of which is its simplicity.  The dealer
+puts some money into the pool and deals three cards to each player, who
+can bet up to the amount in the pool that one of his cards will beat
+the card which the dealer turns up against him.  All that seemed to
+happen was that Bunny Langham kept on saying, "I'll go the whole
+shoot," and then complained violently of his luck.  It was no game for
+me and I looked to Collier for amusement, but he had got a bottle of
+French plums in his lap and was engaged in trying to get them out with
+a fork which was too short for the job.  The banjo had been put back
+into its case, and though it was not amusing to see four men play cards
+and Collier over-eating himself, I was content to see the banjo put
+away for the night, so I got the most comfortable chair I could grasp
+and waited until somebody thought it was time to go to bed.  I sat
+facing Bunny Langham, and as there was nothing else to do I watched him
+losing his money, and I should think he was what is called a very good
+loser.  He was a most curious-looking man and wore eyeglasses which did
+not seem powerful enough, for when he wanted to take any money from the
+pool or--which happened more frequently--pay something into it, he took
+them off and put up a single eyeglass which he managed with the skill
+of one to whom it was a necessity and not an inconvenience.  His
+complexion was pink and white, and he had a small patch of piebald hair
+over his right car, which in some lights looked like a rosette.  But in
+spite of his odd appearance there was something attractive in his face;
+it must, I think, have been either his expression or his forehead, for
+it certainly was not his chin, and a nose never looks its best when
+shadowed by pince-nez.  Dennison was the only winner at the table, and
+smiled benignly round him when he was not lighting his pipe.  Lambert
+threw his money about with a magnificent air more comical than
+impressive, and Jack Ward seemed to be the one man whose attention was
+riveted on the game.  When a remark was made on any subject except bad
+luck, Ward broke in asking some one how much they were going to stake
+or telling Bunny, who never seemed to know what was going to happen
+next, that they were waiting for him.  I thought "Bank" must be the
+dreariest of all card games, but it was nearly twelve o'clock before
+Langham got up and said he must go.  When the game was over I asked
+Ward how much he had won over Dainty Dick, and at once there was a roar
+of laughter.
+
+"He lost over three pounds," Dennison said
+
+"But how did he manage that?" I asked, for my knowledge of racing being
+limited I did not understand how he could have backed the winner of
+this race and yet lost money.
+
+"Why Dainty Dick started at three to one on, so he only won about
+thirty shillings, and he lost a fiver backing The Philosopher.  I
+thought he had made a fortune by the way he was talking at dinner,"
+Dennison answered.
+
+For a moment Ward looked furious, and the exultant way in which
+Dennison told me what had happened must have annoyed him tremendously.
+I felt that Dennison with his seraphic smile was a much bigger idiot
+than Ward, so I said, "Well, I can't see where the joke comes in, I
+think it is thundering rough luck," which remark I considered rather
+noble, for I did think that Ward had been scored off beautifully, only
+Dennison gibing at him was such a sickening sight that I thought I
+would put off the few words I meant having with him about Dainty Dick
+until we were alone.
+
+After Bunny Langham had gone we began to discuss the freshers' wine,
+but Jack Ward looked so down on his luck that I let him arrange what he
+liked, though as Collier said to me afterwards, Ward only thought he
+was deciding everything while Dennison really managed the whole affair
+and simply twisted him round his fingers.
+
+"Dennison is as clever as a wagon load of monkeys," Collier complained,
+"he looks like a baby and is as cunning as a Chinaman.  I wonder how we
+can put up with him."
+
+I wondered, too, and I should think everybody else, except Dennison
+himself, found it difficult to explain his popularity.  For he was
+popular, and since no other reason occurs to me I expect the fact that
+he was always ready to play the piano must have helped him, Lambert on
+his banjo was enough to depress a crowd of Sunday-school children at
+their annual treat, but Dennison played the kind of music which made
+Collier, Ward and me, who were not exactly musical, feel that we could
+sing quite well.  At Cliborough I had established a record by being the
+first boy who had tried to get into the school choir and failed, but
+the man who made me sing "Ah, ah, ah," until I really could not go on
+any longer had told me that I should have a voice some day.  Perhaps he
+said that out of kindness, but when Dennison played I always remembered
+it, and forgot that when I sang in church people sitting in front of me
+had been known to look round as if hymns were not made to be sung.
+
+If discussion beforehand helps to make an entertainment successful our
+freshers' wine ought to have been a colossal success.  For days the
+thing seemed to pervade the air and I got horribly tired of it, though
+Collier, who had been given rooms which compared with mine were
+palatial, had more reason to be sick than I had.  Collier had not only
+a certain amount of space at his disposal but also a piano, and if
+either of us had been any use at guessing we might have known that his
+rooms would have been chosen.  I may as well say now that if any one of
+the freshers who had been invited had also possessed a little sense
+Collier's rooms would not have been chosen, but the last thing we
+thought of was a row, until we got into one, which is one of the
+advantages of being a fresher.
+
+Dennison and Ward finally asked about fifteen men to the wine, and on
+the appointed night we met in Collier's rooms.  It was perhaps not so
+great a privilege to receive an invitation as we thought it was,
+because each man who accepted had to pay more than the thing was worth.
+However, there was no doubt that it was well done, Ward had been to
+Spinney's shop in the Turl and had benefited by Spinney's experience,
+and Dennison with the assistance of Collier's scout, and in spite of
+Collier's mild protests, had prepared the rooms in a way which made me
+wonder where the owner of them was going to sleep.
+
+There was a tradition at St. Cuthbert's, and a tradition seems to me a
+very dangerous possession unless carefully watched, that no wine was
+complete without a large bowl of milk punch.  Ward had been told this
+by Spinney, who took what he called a fatherly interest in St.
+Cuthbert's, though it must be an exorbitant kind of interest which
+makes a man recommend a lot of freshers, or anybody else, to mix punch
+with champagne and port.  Spinney had also provided a terrific amount
+of fruit and other things, and if Collier's room had only been big
+enough to provide space for all of us and for what we were expected to
+eat and drink, I think our wine at the start would have been a most
+imposing display.  As it was everybody thought it had been done well
+except Collier, who told me to look in his bedroom.  I looked without
+seeing the bed, which was so piled up with superfluities that they
+nearly touched the ceiling.
+
+"When this orgie is over," Collier said, "every one will have forgotten
+that I have to go to bed to-night."
+
+"I will stay and help you," I answered, for I was in the mood when
+anything seems to be possible.
+
+We went back into the "sitter," where everybody was already beginning
+to eat and, I suppose, to enjoy themselves.  There were not enough
+chairs to go round, but there is always the floor, and a man who won't
+sit on the floor when there is nothing else to sit upon is no use at an
+Oxford wine.  Some men even prefer the floor, but that usually happens
+later on in the evening.  Ward began the musical part of the
+entertainment by singing "John Peel," his voice was admirable, because
+it was loud without being very good, and nobody had the discomfort of
+wondering whether they could sing well enough to join in the chorus.  I
+like a place where you can fairly bellow without hearing your own
+voice.  A man called Webb, who had a mole on his forehead and had been
+at Cliborough with me, sang the next song, but it was a sentimental
+thing, and had a chorus with some high notes in it, an unsuitable
+choice which fell flat, and when it was over Webb sat down by me in
+disgust, and helped himself lavishly to punch by way of consolation.  I
+told Webb that he had taken Lambert's seat, because Lambert for some
+other reason had also been helping himself lavishly to punch, and had
+become argumentative and almost quarrelsome.  Webb, however, said that
+he was not going to move, and when Lambert returned Dennison had to
+play the piano very lustily to drown the discussion which took place.
+Lambert was six feet two and angry, Webb was the same height and
+obstinate, both of them had been drinking punch, and if Ward had not
+intervened by asking Lambert to sing, I believe an unexpected item
+would have formed part of our programme.  Lambert sang, or rather tried
+to sing, and broke down several times; no one minded and he received
+tremendous encouragement to go on, but he fancied himself as a singer
+and at last became very indignant and abusive.  He was then given
+champagne to soothe him, and sat on the floor with a very sad
+expression, and his legs stretched out in front of him.  Collier threw
+a fig at him which he caught and threw back, hitting another man on the
+cheek, figs began to fly about the room until Ward begged everybody not
+to make a horrible rag before we had properly begun.  Collier went
+round on his hands and knees collecting figs and calling himself a fool
+for spoiling his own carpet.  Most people gave him a shove with their
+feet when he came near them, which sent him on to his back and
+prevented his collection from being a good one.
+
+Then Dennison began to play "The Gondoliers," which was the popular
+comic opera of the day.  Solos were dispensed with, and each chorus was
+sung many times.  The wine was evidently a huge success, the noise was
+magnificent, and everybody was reasonably peaceful.  No one noticed
+that Lambert and Webb were now sitting side by side on the floor,
+swearing eternal friendship and requiring champagne in which to pledge
+each other, until Webb got hold of the idea that he was Leander trying
+to swim the Hellespont, and Collier poured a jug of water over his head
+so that he might make the scene more realistic.
+
+One or two men went quietly away, saying that it was getting late.  The
+music stopped for a moment, while Dennison walked about the room
+seeking refreshment and finding very little.  The noise subsided so
+much that a knock was heard, and a scout poked his head into the room
+and spoke to Dennison who was standing by the door.  Every one asked
+what he wanted, and Dennison assured us that it did not matter, which
+we were all inclined to believe with the exception of Ward, who went to
+the piano and began the National Anthem.  It was the only tune he could
+play, and he had to take infinite pains to get the right notes, so he
+was forcibly removed, and Dennison installed in his place.  "The
+Gondoliers" and the noise began again, while Ward, protesting that it
+was time we went away, was disregarded entirely.  From sheer distaste
+for punch and only a very limited taste for wine I had not been seeking
+my enjoyment in drinking, but I had smoked far more than was good for
+me, and my head felt as large as a pumpkin.  It occurred to me,
+however, that if Ward wished our entertainment to close he was sure to
+be right, so I pulled over Dennison backwards from the piano.  That
+caused a very fair hubbub and did not do much good, since everybody
+began to sing what they liked, without music.
+
+Ward went round persuading men to go, until Lambert, Webb, Collier,
+Ward, Dennison and I were the only ones remaining.  Collier was heavy
+with sleep, but Lambert and Webb, who still sat on the floor with their
+backs propped up against a sofa, were full of song.  Dennison sulked in
+a corner; he told me afterwards that I had hurt his head.  Ward and I
+by violent efforts got Lambert and Webb upon their legs and propped
+them up against each other.  They stood singing, "For he's a jolly good
+fellow," and looking extraordinarily foolish.  At last we got them to
+the door and shoved them out, but unfortunately the Sub-Warden, who had
+a habit of being in the wrong place, was standing outside the room, and
+Lambert, who most certainly looked upon him as an old friend, put an
+arm round him, and hurried him at break-neck speed down the stairs.
+Webb followed, and when I got into the quadrangle he was on one side of
+the Subby and Lambert on the other.
+
+They were persuading him to dance.  I tried to seize Lambert, while
+Ward went for Webb; but as I did so they suddenly released their man,
+and instead of grabbing Lambert I got my arm entangled in the Subby's.
+I let it go quickly, but he recognized me, and said something about a
+disgraceful occurrence.  It would have been giving Lambert and Webb
+away to tell him that I was acting the part of rescuer, so I stood
+looking at him, while Ward drove the other two men out of the
+quadrangle.  As he did not say anything I expressed a hope that he was
+not hurt, but it was more from a wish to prove myself sober than from
+any anxiety as to his condition that I made the remark.  I thought he
+understood this, for he neither answered nor wished me good-night when
+he went back to his staircase.  I was afraid he had been considerably
+jolted and was not quite himself.  I turned round after watching him
+out of sight, and found Murray standing by my side.
+
+"You had better come to bed," he said, and his tone suggested that I
+was incapable of looking after myself, so I told him that I was as
+sober as a judge.
+
+"I waited up for you," he said.
+
+"To see if you could be of any use, I suppose," I asked ungraciously.
+
+"And when Lambert and Webb began to shout the back quad down, I came
+out to see what had happened.  What were you talking to the Subby
+about?"
+
+"Our arms got interlocked," I replied, as we walked over to our
+staircase.  "The fact is the Subby ought to go to bed in decent time."
+
+"He could hardly be expected to sleep with a wine going on in the rooms
+below him."
+
+"I forgot all about that."
+
+"And so apparently did everybody else who was there, though I should
+have thought the scout would have warned Collier."
+
+"Dennison managed the whole thing, I said, and you can thank your stars
+you can go to bed without the prospect of a row and a thundering
+headache."
+
+Then I went into my room and sported my oak, for the rumblings of
+Lambert and Webb could still be heard in the quadrangle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+JACK WARD AND DENNISON
+
+The morning following the wine was no morning for me.  Of course I
+awoke with a headache, but that was nothing in comparison with a
+general feeling that the day was not likely to be a peaceful one.  I
+lay awake and thought over matters as well as I could until Clarkson
+came in to put my bath.  Then I pretended to be asleep, but out of the
+corner of my eye I saw him looking at me and I conceived a great
+dislike for him.  He seemed to think I was a curiosity of some kind.
+He tidied my room, and having finished he asked if I should be taking
+breakfast.  I sat up in bed and inquired why he supposed I did not want
+breakfast, and my question, I flatter myself, surprised him
+considerably.  I told him to get me twice as much breakfast as usual
+and to be quick, but while I was dressing I wondered how I should eat
+it, so I went into Murray's room and persuaded him to breakfast with
+me.  Murray had already begun to eat, but when I explained to him that
+this was a little matter between Clarkson and myself, and that it would
+not do for me to be scored off, he agreed to come.  Clarkson, however,
+was a difficult man to defeat; he provided enough breakfast for four
+men, and though I bustled him as much as I could and was very
+dictatorial, I could see that he was quietly amused.  Murray ate for
+all he was worth, but the amount of food which Clarkson carried away
+for his hungry family was evidence enough to prove who had won the
+battle.
+
+Conversation did not play any conspicuous part in that meal, but I told
+Murray that if everybody at the wine had been as sensible as Ward we
+should have got through without any row.  "My opinion of Ward has
+changed," I said more than once, for Murray was not inclined to give
+him any credit and he certainly deserved some.
+
+At ten o'clock I went to a lecture, and when I returned I found a note
+from the Sub-Warden asking me to call upon him at noon.  It was
+precisely what I expected, but the prospects of another row depressed
+me.  The morning was dark and rainy, and my room was so dismal that I
+stood on the ledge outside my window and leant against the parapet.  It
+was neither a comfortable nor a very safe position, but it suited my
+mood.  I looked down on the back quadrangle below me and watched for
+something interesting to happen.  I had not been up long enough to know
+that my wish was not likely to be gratified, nothing exciting ever does
+happen in Oxford during the morning, or if it does I was always
+unfortunate enough to miss it.
+
+A man in a scholar's gown hurried across the quadrangle, rushed up a
+staircase, and came back with a note-book in his hand.  The Warden came
+out of his house and stood upon his doorstep as if he was trying to
+remember what he wanted to do.  Then he turned round and went into the
+house again.  Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, a lady who was
+reported to be talkative and in love, came out and observed the
+weather.  Two minutes afterwards she appeared in a mackintosh, which
+was thoroughly business-like.  She was most obviously bent on shopping.
+Two men, regardless of the rain, strolled out of the front quadrangle
+and shouted for Dennison, who did not come to his window.  I told them
+that he was probably in bed, and they answered that I should fall over
+if I did not look out.  It was all most painfully dull, and I was just
+going in when the Subby appeared and went into the Warden's house.  I
+could guess the reason for that visit, and waited to see no more.  I
+sat down by the fire and tried to think out what I should say to the
+Subby, and what he would say to me.  I did not know much about him
+except that his name was Webster, and that he was a great authority on
+Etruscan pottery, facts which did not help me much.  He also had one of
+the finest stamp collections in the world, but I had never collected
+anything for more than a week at a time.  I felt that he was a
+difficult man to gauge, because he had never been what I considered a
+sportsman.  His appearance at any rate was not imposing, and I was
+depressed enough to feel thankful for very small mercies.  If dons only
+remembered what men feel like after their first wine, they would
+scarcely be hard-hearted enough to inflict further penalties upon them.
+But it was the vocation of the Subby to keep order in the college, and
+some one had told me that rowdy men were his pet abomination.  He
+regarded St. Cuthbert's as the intellectual centre of Oxford, and
+Oxford as the intellectual centre of the world.  No wonder the poor man
+looked serious and seldom smiled, for he must have had a lot to think
+about.  He covered up his eyes with enormous spectacles, and the lower
+part of his face with a straggling moustache and beard, you got neither
+satisfaction nor information from looking at him.
+
+It was nearly twelve o'clock before I saw any of the men who had been
+at the wine, and then Ward and Collier came into my rooms.  I was still
+sitting by the fire, and Ward, who would have gibed at my gloom under
+ordinary conditions, simply told me that I didn't look very cheerful,
+and sat down on the edge of the table, which tilted up and nearly
+placed him on the floor.  Collier threw himself into the nearest chair,
+and pulling a pipe out of his pocket, carefully rubbed the bowl of it,
+but showed no anxiety to smoke, and considering that I felt as if I
+should never smoke again, I was not surprised.
+
+"I should like to flay Lambert, Webb, and Dennison alive," Collier said
+quite solemnly.
+
+"I've got to go to the Subby in ten minutes," I said, and Collier's
+face brightened.
+
+"I didn't think you would have to go," Ward remarked; "what an infernal
+nuisance, and why has he sent for you?"
+
+"I tried to rescue the stupid man from Lambert and Webb, and got
+entangled in his blessed arm.  He was as sick as blazes, and I shall
+hear more stuff about being an exhibitioner," I answered.
+
+"The man's a fool," Collier said, "but the biggest ass in the place is
+Dennison.  He knew the Subby was out to dinner, and wouldn't be back
+till goodness knows when, but he must go on and kick up a row on that
+piano after he knew the Subby was in his rooms.  And the beauty of it
+is that Dennison hasn't been sent for.  I call it a confounded shame.
+We have just been round to see him, and the brute is still in bed as
+fit as anything, and thinks it the best joke he has heard for ages.  He
+wouldn't see much humour in it if he went and smelt my rooms."
+
+"Who has been sent for?" I asked.
+
+"You, Collier, Lambert, and Webb," Ward replied.
+
+"Not you?"
+
+"I have seen the Subby already.  I met him in the quad and asked if I
+might speak to him."
+
+"Was he furious?" I inquired.
+
+"I tried to explain things to him; he was not altogether furious, but
+stuck on a sort of injured dignity business which was rather funny."
+
+"It isn't likely a man would want to be danced down-stairs by Lambert
+and Webb," Collier said; "I wonder they didn't break his neck, and it
+would have been a thundering good job if they had smashed themselves."
+
+I got up and seized my gown, leaving Collier to continue his wishes for
+the destruction of Lambert and Webb if he felt inclined.  At any other
+time they would have amused me, for Collier was generally difficult to
+move in any way, and he was quite funny when his indignation could be
+roused.
+
+I am not going to describe my interview with the Subby at any length.
+He listened patiently to what I had to say, but if a man came to me and
+said that he had caught hold of me by accident I confess that I should
+think it a poor sort of story.  I could not tell him that I was trying
+to save him from Lambert and Webb, because that would have been
+contrary to what I should have expected them to say about me, if the
+positions had been reversed.  The Subby ought to have guessed it for
+himself and rewarded me, but he had been so hustled that it was perhaps
+too much to expect him to guess anything.  My reputation for work
+seemed to have been of the worst.  There was no denying that the Subby
+and I had been entangled, and it was no use for me to say that it was
+his fault.  I spoke of it as a very unfortunate occurrence, and I
+assured him most warmly that it should not happen again.  Assurances of
+that kind do not, I should say, count for much.  He was so occupied by
+the importance of what had passed, that I could not make him see that
+the future was also important.  And I did try hard to point this out to
+him, I regretted much, I promised more, and I meant everything I said
+most honestly.  I had never been so penitent before, but I must at the
+same time admit that I had never previously felt quite so unwell.
+
+Perhaps my protestations had some effect, for my sentence was that I
+should be gated for three weeks, and I received also what must, when
+translated into simple English, have been a warning that unless I
+changed the errors of my ways my exhibition would be taken away from
+me.  The Subby jawed badly, he was not to be compared with Mr.
+Edwardes, and he hesitated and coughed, until once or twice I was
+almost inclined to help him out, for I knew what he was going to say
+and he fidgeted me.  I was, however, in too great a hole to risk much,
+so as soon as he began I remained silent and hoped steadily that he
+would either end soon or be interrupted.  He did not know how to begin
+or when to finish, and if Collier had not knocked at the door and come
+into the room, it seemed to me that nothing but the pangs of hunger
+would have warned him that he had said enough.
+
+I have never seen a more welcome arrival than Collier's, because I had
+really been with the Subby a very long time, and to stand with an
+attentive expression for ten minutes at a stretch and listen to the
+usual remarks is in its way quite a feat.  I found Ward waiting for me
+in the front quad, and he asked at once what had happened to me.
+
+"Gated for three weeks," I answered; "I suppose I ought to consider
+myself lucky, he might have sent me down."
+
+"It knocks all your fun on the head," he said, "being in by nine
+o'clock every night is average rot."
+
+"It won't matter to me, I am going to settle down and read for a first
+in Mods," and I turned into the common room and picked up _The
+Sportsman_.  There were no other men in the room, and Ward stood in
+front of the fire and kept looking at me as if he wanted to say
+something and could not manage to begin.  I read the names of the
+'Varsity XV. chosen to play that afternoon against Richmond, and saw
+that Foster was still among them.
+
+"Fred Foster's going to get his blue," I said.
+
+"Who the deuce wants to get a blue?" Ward replied.
+
+"Well, it's better than getting into rows, anyway," I retorted.
+
+"You seem to have taken this thing very quietly," he said, "don't you
+see that your being dropped on is a most wretched swindle.  Lambert and
+Webb are only gated for three weeks."
+
+"It doesn't make a tuppenny-ha'penny bit of difference to me what has
+happened to them.  If they had been gated for two years it wouldn't
+give me any satisfaction."
+
+"But they had been mixing all kinds of drink."
+
+"And the Subby thinks I had," I said.
+
+"But you hadn't."
+
+"No, but that doesn't make any difference.  The Subby may be a fair
+ass, but I caught hold of him, and I must be a bigger fool than he is.
+It's the last time I ever try to rescue a don."
+
+Two senior men, Bagshaw and Crane came into the room and overheard my
+last remark, so I had to tell them the whole thing over again.  Both of
+them laughed tremendously, but Crane, who was captain of the college
+cricket eleven, and President of the Mohocks, which was the
+inappropriate name of the St. Cuthbert's wine club, seemed to be more
+amused at the solemn way I told the story, while Bagshaw said he would
+have given anything to have seen the Subby rushing down-stairs.  They
+laughed loudly, and as soon as I could escape I went back to my rooms,
+leaving Jack Ward to talk to them.
+
+For once I wanted to be by myself, but there was no shaking off Ward
+that morning, and he turned up again in about ten minutes and said that
+he had told his scout to bring his lunch round to my rooms.  I had
+struggled nobly with breakfast, but I hated the suggestion of more food
+and told him he had better go and eat somewhere else.  My head ached
+abominably, and I wanted to sit by the fire and go to sleep.  Ward,
+however, decided that I wanted cheering up, though how he was likely to
+enliven me by eating when I had no appetite he did not tell me.  As a
+matter of fact cheering me up was only an excuse, what he really wanted
+to do was to give me the explanation which he thought I must be
+expecting.  If he had known me better he would not have expected me to
+wait for anything, had I imagined any explanation was necessary I
+should have asked him for it at once.  But I was not taking any
+interest in explanations, my mouth felt like a cinder, and when some
+man had met me in the quad and told me I looked "precious cheap," which
+is an expression I detest, I had not the energy to retaliate.
+
+Ward, having eaten his luncheon and gulped down a most horrible
+quantity of beer, lit a cigarette, and sat down by the fire.
+
+"You must think me a most awful brute for having got out of this row,"
+he began.  I told him that if he felt as I did, he would think
+everybody in the world was a brute.
+
+"Well, you see," he went on, "I got the thing up and the Subby didn't
+send for me."
+
+"It was Dennison's fault," I said, for I saw no good in dividing the
+blame, "and if a man can't take his luck in these things he is no use
+to anybody.  My luck's always vile, but that doesn't matter to any one
+except me, and I am used to it."
+
+He took no notice of what I said, and continued, "So I told the Subby
+it was my fault, but when I saw him I thought only Collier, Webb and
+Lambert had been nailed."
+
+I roused myself and looked at Ward, who was staring into the fire.
+
+"You are a fool," I stated, but I didn't mean it.
+
+"I had to do it or I should have felt awful," he said, and then he
+jumped up and banged round the room, tossing things about and failing
+to catch them.
+
+He stood in a new light, and it took me some time to digest what he had
+told me.  Of all the men I had met since coming to Oxford I should have
+said that Jack Ward was the one who would watch his own interests most
+closely, and he had upset all my opinions by walking into a quite
+unnecessary row.
+
+"Why did you do it?" I asked him, and I added, "it isn't as if you
+could do anybody else any good," for it is at first very perplexing to
+find a man doing exactly the reverse of what you expect.
+
+"I have told you why I did it, I should have felt so confoundedly mean
+if I hadn't.  But while I was with the Subby I wish I had known that he
+had nailed you as well, because I might have told him that you hate
+drinking.  A don seems to me to have the fixed idea that freshers
+naturally drink too much, at least that was the impression the Subby
+gave me."
+
+"What happened to you?"
+
+"I'm gated for a fortnight, and he talked a lot of tommy-rot."
+
+"Well, I think it is most frightfully decent of you," I said.
+
+"Oh, shut up," Ward answered, "I can't stand that.  I have never done
+anything of the kind before and shan't again.  I simply couldn't have
+faced you men if I hadn't owned up, and that ends it."
+
+At that moment Dennison walked in wearing an enormous overcoat and a
+Wellingham scarf round his neck, he looked as beautifully pink as ever,
+and I hated the sight of him.
+
+"This is such a blighted day that I am going to watch a footer match,"
+he said, "it amuses me to see thirty people tumbling about in the mud,
+and we can go and play pool at Wright's when we have had enough, if you
+will come."
+
+I did not intend to tell Dennison that I was ill, so I said I would go
+if Ward would come with us, and as soon as we got into the Broad and
+the rain fairly beat upon us, I began to feel much better and more
+capable of being disagreeable to Dennison.  I was in the state of mind
+which makes one anxious to be unpleasant, the sort of mood in which
+horrid people abuse servants or try to kick animals, and I was glad to
+have Dennison, who deserved every rudeness imaginable, at my disposal.
+But the worst of feeling so thoroughly disagreeable is that you are
+ashamed of yourself so quickly.  I am either violently angry or not
+angry at all, and it is the people who are good at sulks and call them
+dignity who get their own way in this world.  I once tried to be
+dignified at home, and I am not inclined to repeat the experiment; my
+father told me not to be a fool, my sister walked about as if wrestling
+with suppressed laughter, and my mother offered me various medicines.
+Rudeness is my _role_, its intention is not so easily mistaken.
+
+So I hung on to Dennison very earnestly, and though Ward did all he
+knew to keep the peace, I had managed before we reached the Parks, to
+convince both of them that our walk was a mistake.
+
+We went to the far end of the ground where very few spectators were
+standing, for an Oxford crowd always collect behind the goal of the
+visiting side, hoping magnificently that by those means they will see
+most of the game.  It is very noble of them, but they are sometimes
+disappointed, and this happened to be one of the days on which those
+who were behind the 'Varsity goal-posts saw a good deal more than they
+wanted.  For the day was made for the Richmond XV., who were big, bulky
+men, very heavy in the scrimmage, and the three-quarter backs on both
+sides spent most of their time trying to keep warm.  Dennison said he
+was bored to death, and I told him Richmond never were any good outside
+the scrum and were playing a jolly good game.  He answered that he was
+not a Football Encyclopaedia, and I assured him that he never could be
+anything half so useful.  We kept up this kind of conversation for some
+time, while Ward stamped his feet and asked us to stop.
+
+"How long have you been gated for?" I asked Dennison suddenly,
+springing the question upon him as had been the habit of one master at
+Cliborough when he was going to ask me something very embarrassing.
+Ward hit me in the ribs with his elbow, and Dennison pretended not to
+hear, so I moved a little further from Ward and repeated my question.
+"The Subby didn't send for me," he replied; "I wasn't caught and I made
+no row to speak of."
+
+"Oh well, if you like to get out of the whole thing it has nothing to
+do with me," I said, and the thought suddenly struck me that if I
+really goaded Dennison into giving up his name I should feel a brute
+for the rest of my existence.  What I wanted to do was to prove that
+Ward was worth about ten of him, but it is very uphill work trying to
+convince a man that he is only a fraction of the fellow he thinks
+himself, I have often seen people going sorrowfully away from tasks of
+that kind.
+
+"There is no question of getting out of it," Dennison said quite
+calmly, "because I have never been in it."
+
+"No question at all," Ward put in.
+
+"At any rate you arranged it," I retorted.
+
+"And the very deuce of a job it was," he replied.
+
+"Of course it was," Ward said, and though I imagined I was out of
+elbow-shot I got another blow which did nothing to improve my temper.
+
+"It's like this," I began, "Ward went to the Subby and said----"  But
+Ward burst in with, "By Jove, that is about the tenth time that man
+Foster has fallen on the ball, and now I believe he's hurt."
+
+For quite two minutes Fred lay on the ground, and I forgot all about
+Dennison and the exasperating mood I was in.  At last he got up and
+moved about in a dazed condition, while some people clapped and others,
+more enthusiastic than anxious, began to shout, "Now then, 'Varsity."
+The game went on again, but my desire to be nasty had vanished, and I
+found that I had moved away from Ward and Dennison.  When I returned to
+them I found that my interrupted remark had created a greater
+disturbance than I had expected.  Dennison was fuming like anything,
+and so far was he from thinking that Ward and I had a grievance against
+him that he was treating himself as a thoroughly injured man.
+
+"It is a pretty low down game," he was saying to Ward, when I came
+back, "for you to go and give your name up to the Subby and tell me
+nothing about it.  What do you think everybody will be saying about me?
+Marten has been talking to me as if I was a pick-pocket, while you were
+standing there and thinking yourself a sort of tin hero.  If you want
+to know what I think you are, my opinion is that you're a confounded
+fool, but since you have done this I must go and see the Subby when I
+get back to college."
+
+This is only an expurgated copy of what Dennison said, as a matter of
+fact he called Ward and me much worse names than a pick-pocket, and
+qualified them with adjectives too violent to be recorded.
+
+I looked blankly at Ward, who had his head down and looked thoroughly
+ashamed of himself.
+
+"It is one of the few times in my life," he said, "when I have tried to
+do the right thing, and it seems to have been all wrong."
+
+There was only one line to take, and I started on it at once.  "That's
+rot," I began, "because you suggested the whole thing, and if you felt
+like owning up to it no one else has any right to swear at you.
+Dennison is altogether different, and if he goes to the Subby everybody
+else will have to go.  We are like a lot of school-boys."
+
+I thought my last remark a sound one, for Dennison pretended to despise
+boys, because he said they always got up so late for morning school
+that they had not time to wash properly.  There was always a faint
+smell of scent about Dennison, which did not make me take much notice
+of his opinion about school-boys.
+
+I cannot even now tell whether he was really angry or whether he was
+just pretending a rage to put us into a hole.  I did find out
+afterwards that he knew all the time that Ward had given up his name,
+so if he pretended one thing I do not see why he should not have
+pretended another.  But the result was the same whether he was shamming
+or not.  Ward and I implored him not to go to the Subby, for quite ten
+minutes during that damp and shivery afternoon we besought him to leave
+things as they were.  And at last with great reluctance he gave way,
+and to please us he said that he would forgive Ward for having done
+rather a mean thing, and he pardoned me for having been so rude.  Of
+course we were most properly taken in, but that was the fate of most
+men who had much to do with Dennison, and I was so glad to be at peace
+once more that it did not occur to me then that Ward and I were two
+colossal idiots.
+
+I went round to see Foster after the match, but found that he was going
+to dine early with the Richmond team, so he did not tell me anything
+except that he had got a splitting headache.  Each time I had been to
+see him for the last fortnight he had either been out, just going out,
+or had a room full of men with him.  Whenever he had come to see me the
+same kind of things had happened, so we had not managed to have one
+respectable talk together.  I determined that this was most
+unsatisfactory, so after dinner I wrote him a note, asking him to go
+for a walk with me on the following day, and then I went to see Jack
+Ward.  My opinion of him had been changing all day, and as I went to
+his room I felt that whatever Foster and Murray said about him, he was
+at bottom a splendid sort.  Roulette was going on in his rooms, and the
+usual crowd were playing.  Ward was banker, and he did not even ask me
+to play, but roulette is a very difficult game to watch without
+playing, and after black had come up six times consecutively, I thought
+it must be red's turn.  It was not, however, and five times I lost my
+money; then I had sense enough to stop for a bit until the numbers
+began to fascinate me, and I picked nineteen, being my age.  A lot of
+people may say I was old enough to know better, but it is so easy to
+make remarks of that kind, and until they find something a little less
+stale, they will never do any good.  I stood by the table at first, and
+then sat down and made up my mind to get my money back.  I tried
+everything in turn, but luck was dead against me, and Ward once or
+twice said he wished I would win something.  In the end I lost nearly
+six pounds, and went back to my rooms a sorrowful man.  Before I went
+into my bedder I looked at my cheque-book, and it gave me no
+satisfaction.  I had borrowed four pounds from Ward, and I wrote him a
+cheque for the amount, and laying it on the table beside me, I sat
+thinking.  My door was wide open, and I must have been nearly asleep,
+for I did not see any one come into my room, and a hand falling on my
+shoulder surprised me.  I looked up and saw Ward standing by my side.
+
+"Sorry to wake you up," he said, "but I felt like coming to see you."
+He saw the cheque made out to him, and taking it from the table he tore
+it into bits.
+
+"You have wasted a penny," I said, for I could not help guessing what
+he meant.
+
+"I don't want to take your money," he replied, "and for heaven's sake
+don't make me."
+
+He was most desperately in earnest, but the mere fact that I should
+have taken his without a thought of returning it, settled the little
+argument which followed.
+
+"I can't help gambling," he said, "but I wish to goodness you wouldn't."
+
+"But only a few days ago you sneered at me for not backing a horse," I
+retorted, for though it was very good of him, I felt he was treating me
+like an infant.
+
+"I never asked you to," he said, "and I should like to have one friend
+who doesn't bet or play cards or anything."
+
+"There's Collier," I suggested.
+
+"He is different," Ward answered, and I suppose I wanted him to say
+something like that.
+
+We talked for an hour, at least Ward talked and I listened, but during
+the years to come I always remembered what he said about himself on
+that night.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+THE INN AT SAMPFORD
+
+I do not suppose that my waking thoughts could be called valuable, for
+my habit is to lie in bed and wonder vaguely what time it is, and if
+you start the day in that way and write it solemnly on paper you may
+just as well keep a diary of what you had for luncheon and where you
+had tea and all that kind of twaddle, which people write because
+blotting paper is provided on the opposite page.  But on the morning
+following my conversation with Ward I woke up with the sort of feeling
+which ought to have been of value to some one, because it was such a
+mixture that I could not stay in bed.  It was the kind of sensation
+with which I wake when I am going to cross the Channel, only it did not
+make me rush to my window to see how much wind there was.  Nothing I
+have been told is easier in this life than to make a mountain out of a
+molehill, but in my short experience it is the wretched little
+molehills which upset me and not the great big things which sweep me
+away with them.  I would rather have to fight one mountain than two
+molehills any day, you get so much more sympathy after the struggle.
+But I must admit that it is not always easy to tell when people will
+sympathize with you, for I remember that my brother was once in a
+railway accident, and though he got nothing more than a slight jolt he
+was considered a hero for a long time, while, a few days later, I sat
+upon a pin and hurt myself quite badly, but was told by my nurse not to
+be silly.
+
+During that morning I had a most disagreeable experience.  For the
+first time in my life I was conscious that I had done something for
+which there was not the least shadow of an excuse, and I found myself
+trying to guess what my feelings would have been had I been a winner
+instead of a loser at roulette.  There is nothing very profitable in
+trying to imagine what would have happened if things had turned out
+differently, at the best it is a waste of time, but all the same it is
+a game which I, and others I know, play very often.  I came to the
+conclusion that had I won I should have been rather pleased with
+myself, it is so easy to excuse oneself for winning money, while losing
+it seems to be foolishly immoral.  I made no resolutions for the
+future, because on the few occasions I have tried to fortify myself in
+that way, something has occurred to upset me, and Mr. Sandyman, who was
+my housemaster at Cliborough and very wise, told me once that the
+weaker the man the more frequent his resolutions.  He did not believe
+so much in pledges and promises as in a boy's honour; if a boy had not
+a sense of honour no promise on earth could be of any real use to him.
+
+I wished that I had Mr. Sandyman to advise me, but if I had been able
+to go to him I do not suppose I should have gone, for although I was
+ashamed of myself, I did not think that I had committed any great
+offence.  I had just been a fool, and with that decision from which,
+odd as it may seem, I derived great satisfaction, I passed on to the
+next thing which was bothering me.
+
+I think it was Solomon who said there was safety in a multitude of
+counsellors, and I wonder what he would have said about a multitude of
+friends, some of whom could not bear the sight of the others.  Ward,
+hated Murray, and Foster hated Ward, Collier said he hated Dennison,
+and Dennison said Collier looked more like a pig than a human being.
+Lambert confided to me that there was hardly a man at St. Cuthbert's
+whom he would care to introduce to his sister, but as he said the same
+thing to Ward, Dennison and Collier, leaving each of them with the
+impression that he was the one man who was considered worthy of an
+introduction, it was no use to take any notice of Lambert.  I condoled
+with him on having such a remarkably exclusive sister, but he did not
+take my sympathy in the proper spirit.
+
+My friends were most certainly getting out of hand.  In St. Cuthbert's,
+Murray was the most sensible of the lot, because he enjoyed himself in
+a steady sort of way, saw the humorous side of everything and went to
+bed in decent time.  I knew just where I was with Murray, he was always
+glad to see me in his rooms, and he kept his opinions about Ward and
+Dennison to himself, unless I simply pumped them out of him.  No one
+who did not object to fat men because they were fat could help liking
+Collier, he was so comfortable and peaceful, and Lambert, with his
+magnificent opinion of himself, which he expressed frequently in a
+half-comical, half-serious fashion, was to me more like a man on the
+stage than an ordinary undergraduate.  From morning to night Lambert
+was self-conscious, even at the wine, when he was sitting on the floor
+with Webb, he did not forget to shoot down his cuffs.  I have already
+said that Dennison played the piano, he was also considered a wit, and
+fired off things which Lambert said were epigrams, but Collier, who was
+full of curious information, declared that most of them were adapted
+from the Book of Proverbs.  However that may be, Dennison had a
+reputation as a conversationalist, which meant that he wanted to talk
+all the time.  He bored me terribly.
+
+But the man who really worried me was Ward.  At first I had thought
+that he merely wanted to amuse himself, and did not care what he did as
+long as he got some fun out of it.  He did not seem to trouble what men
+he knew if they were useful to him, and having come to that conclusion
+about him, I felt that as far as he and I were concerned there was
+nothing else to bother about.  It was not any wonder to me that Foster,
+who only knew him slightly, disliked him most vigorously, but when Ward
+came, asking me to take my money back and showing all the best side of
+his nature, he gave me more to think about than I wanted.  An entirely
+different man had appeared, acknowledging himself a gambler, and not
+pretending to be sorry--for which I liked him--but with qualities which
+I had never suspected.
+
+So occupied was I in wondering how I could persuade Foster to change
+his opinion of Ward that I forgot the day was Sunday, and that I had
+intended to go to morning chapel and write some letters at the Union.
+It was nearly twelve o'clock when Foster came into my rooms and said he
+had been waiting for me at Oriel until he was tired of doing nothing.
+He seemed to be rather angry, but soon cooled down when he saw me
+hurrying up to get ready, and even proposed that we should give up our
+walk and just lounge round the Parks.  But I did not feel as if
+lounging would do for me, and I told him that I knew a splendid little
+inn about six miles off, where we could get luncheon.  He did not need
+much persuasion, and we went down Brasenose lane and the High as if we
+had never lounged in our lives.  But before we got to the turning to
+Iffley we had begun to walk at a speed which did not altogether prevent
+conversation.
+
+I think I must have been setting the pace, because I had a great deal
+to say to Fred, and did not know exactly how to begin.  He was the
+greatest friend I had, and I wanted him to like Ward, but I knew that
+when once he had made up his mind about people he very seldom changed
+it.  He had liked nearly everybody at Cliborough, but when he disliked
+anybody there was something rather huge in the way he had nothing to do
+with them.  And he had a habit, which would have annoyed me in any one
+else, of being nearly always right.  It was such a complete change for
+him to come from Cliborough, where he was easily the most important boy
+in the school, to Oxford, where he was practically nobody at all, that
+I wondered how he would like it.  So many freshers who have been
+important at school think they can bring their importance with them,
+but they make the very greatest mistake.  A fresher who thinks a lot of
+himself, and lets other men know that he does, is not likely to do
+anything but get in his own way.  Foster never had put on any side, but
+he had been accustomed to manage things at Cliborough, and I asked him
+how he liked being nobody again, as he had been when he first went to
+school.
+
+He did not answer me at once, and I had a suspicion that he did not
+care about the change, but I was wrong.
+
+"I like it," he said at last; "there is no bother and fuss, and I like
+beginning again and being sworn at when I miss the ball.  I want to get
+my blue most awfully, but I don't suppose I have got the ghost of a
+chance; I never pass at the right time, and everybody here seems to me
+to be always off-side."
+
+I assured him that he must have a chance for his blue or he would not
+have played so often.
+
+"They look more and more sick with me every time," he answered, "and
+each match I play in I expect to be the last.  The only thing which
+riles me is that you never know what they think about you, and the
+fellow who writes the Oxford notes for _The Globe_ said last week that
+the 'Varsity XV. must be badly off if they could not find a better
+three-quarter than the Cliborough fresher, or some rot of that kind.
+All the men at Oriel who know about things are either cricket or soccer
+blues, so I don't hear much about rugger there, though every one is
+nice enough and wants me to get into the XV."
+
+"Doesn't Adamson ever speak to you?" I asked, for he was captain of the
+'Varsity XV.
+
+"Yes, but it is generally to tell me not to do something.  He is an
+'internatter,' you see, and I don't think he ever forgets it, he seems
+to me to stick on more side than any one I have ever met.  Most of the
+men are all right, but Adamson is a first-class bounder."
+
+"He swore at me pretty freely in the Freshers' match," I said.
+
+"I heard him," Foster returned, "but although you played abominably
+then, you are really much better than Sykes of Merton, who has been
+playing back for the 'Varsity lately.  He does the most awful things."
+
+"He can't be worse than I am.  I now play three-quarters and am
+thinking of chucking the game altogether.  It is such a horrid grind."
+
+"Don't be an idiot, they are bound to spot you here sooner or later,"
+Foster said, but he knew as well as I did that I could never stop
+playing any game just because it was too much trouble.
+
+"I have made an idiot of myself, already," I replied; and then I told
+him all that had been happening at St. Cuthbert's during the last few
+days.  I made out myself a bigger fool than I really had been, because
+I wanted to show him that Ward was a much better fellow than he thought.
+
+"You have a real gift for getting into rows," he said, when I had
+finished; "you seem to have got all the dons on your track already."
+
+"That doesn't worry me," I answered.  "I have only got to work and keep
+quiet, and the Subby will think I am as like a machine as he is."
+
+"And you have made up your mind to work?"
+
+"I mean to do a reasonable amount," I replied cautiously.
+
+"It is most awfully difficult to work.  I have done precious little,
+and I went fast asleep at a lecture the other morning."
+
+"What was it about?"
+
+"Logic."
+
+"Oh, that's nothing," I assured him.  "I started cutting my logic
+lectures altogether until I got dropped on.  I didn't understand a word
+the man was saying.  There is heaps of time to work, Mods are nearly a
+year and a half off.  What do you think of Ward, after the thing that
+happened last night?"
+
+I had to plunge right at it, for Foster had not said a word after I had
+told him Ward wanted to give me back my money.
+
+"Don't let us talk about Ward," Foster answered, "you know I don't like
+him."
+
+"I knew you didn't like him," I corrected, for I thought that what I
+had said ought to make a difference.
+
+"You seem to be egging me on to swear at you, so that you may laugh."
+
+"Oh, skittles," I exclaimed.
+
+"You know perfectly well that you can't afford to gamble."
+
+"That has nothing to do with it, because I am not going to gamble, Jack
+Ward himself asked me not to play roulette."
+
+"But Ward belongs to a gambling set----"
+
+"I suppose he can please himself about that," I retorted, and it was
+not altogether wise of me.
+
+"And you will always be hearing racing 'shop,' and how much somebody
+won, nobody ever talks about their losses until they are stone-broke."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"Your father told me," was the answer, and instead of having got him
+into a hole I was badly scored off.
+
+"Everybody has something nasty in him somewhere, Balzac said so, and he
+was the sort of chap who knew; if we were all perfect this wouldn't be
+earth," I said.
+
+"By Jove, you have been thinking a lot," Foster replied, and he stood
+still in the road and laughed until I was very annoyed, for I have
+heard other people make remarks of that kind without any one else
+smiling.
+
+"It is no use talking seriously to you," I said.
+
+"Platitudes are not your line," he answered, and we were as far off
+settling about Ward as ever.  I returned, however, to the main question
+with energy, for it seemed to me to be most important that these two
+men should not hate each other, if they were to be my friends.  The
+gods did not endow me with tact, but they gave me so much courage that
+in a short time I can make any situation either very much better or
+very much worse.  My mother once took in a paper which contained a Tact
+Problem every week, and she asked my sister and me to write down
+solutions and see if they were right; mine were wrong five times
+consecutively, so I gave up that competition, though in a negative sort
+of way I should have been of assistance to any competitor.  I remember
+one of these wonderful problems was, 'At an evening party A tells B
+that C looks like a criminal.  Shortly afterwards A finds out that C is
+B's husband, what ought A to do?'  I said A ought to go and tell B that
+he liked criminals; but the answer was, 'A should do nothing.'  I think
+it was that problem which persuaded me that I was wasting my time, I
+thought it too stupid for words.
+
+I explained to Foster how difficult it would be for me if he would not
+change his opinion of Ward, and I talked so much that he said I had
+persuaded him that Ward was all right, but I had a kind of feeling that
+he said it for the sake of peace.  The day was very warm for November,
+and at the end of six miles Foster was not so inclined to resist my
+avalanche of words as he was when we left Oxford.  But I knew that
+having once said he would try to be friends with Ward, I could rely
+upon him.  What he could not understand was the reason why I was so
+anxious for him to try, why in short I liked Ward, but I could not
+explain that; for if you once start explaining why you are friends with
+a man it seems to me to be half-way towards making excuses for
+yourself, and should you begin doing that you had better not have any
+friends, since those who know you the best will like you the least.  I
+have a faculty for liking a large number of people, but if I had to
+give reasons why I liked most of them I should be terribly puzzled.
+You cannot, it seems to me, reduce friendship to a formula, or if you
+can you would knock all the fun out of it.
+
+This was my second visit to the little inn at Sampford, and as soon as
+we got there I interviewed the landlord and engaged the sitting-room on
+the ground floor.  Foster threw himself upon the sofa and picked up the
+book in which visitors write their names and exercise their humour, but
+I was so hot that I opened the French windows which led into the garden
+and went out.  Only a fortnight before the garden had been full enough
+of flowers to satisfy me, but the wind and rain had beaten down
+everything, and in spite of the sun it looked bare and desolate.  I
+walked across the lawn to a little arbour and surprised two belated
+beanfeasters and their ladies.  In appearance the men were aggressive,
+their hats were on the backs of their heads, and enormous
+chrysanthemums bulged from their buttonholes, and must, I should think,
+have been a source of constant irritation to their chins.  The girls
+giggled when they saw me, and one of the men asked me what I wanted.  I
+told him I was looking for a comfortable place in which to sit down and
+that he seemed to have found it first.  The girls giggled again and the
+men swore; it was a most commonplace scene.  I went back across the
+lawn and was just going to join Foster, when I heard a tremendous burst
+of laughter from the room above ours.  There was only one man who could
+laugh like that and he was Jack Ward.  At that moment I wished him
+anywhere, for I guessed quite rightly that he had driven over to
+Sampford with some men whose luncheon would not consist of cold beef
+and beer.
+
+I hoped to goodness we should get away without Foster seeing them, so I
+began to eat without saying anything, except that there was a most vile
+noise up-stairs.  I need not have troubled to say so much since Foster
+was not deaf.  I ate my luncheon hurriedly and gulped down my beer so
+fast that something went wrong with my wind-pipe.  To the accompaniment
+of my coughs and peals of laughter from the room above, Fred sat eating
+with a comical expression of misery upon his face.
+
+"Rowdy brutes," he said, and pointed to the ceiling.
+
+I tried to answer, but failed.
+
+"I should think they will get kicked out in a minute," he continued.
+"Aren't you going to have any pickles?"
+
+"The room's so horribly stuffy," I managed to say; "I vote we go when
+you are ready."
+
+"We've only just come.  I haven't nearly done yet, and I am going to
+have a smoke when I've finished."
+
+I resigned myself to the situation and seized the pickles; there was
+only one left and that was an onion.  The noise increased and a huge
+piece of bread fell on the lawn in front of our window.
+
+"Bloods always throw bread at each other, don't they?" he asked.
+
+"I don't suppose they are any worse than anybody else," I answered;
+"there is not much harm in a bread pellet."
+
+"That thing out there is half a loaf," he returned, "and at any rate
+they make a fairly bad row," which were statements I could not deny.
+
+We heard a man go heavily up-stairs and knock at the door.  He was
+received with clamorous approval, but after a little conversation the
+noise ceased and there was a most refreshing calm.  I had hopes that
+nothing more was going to happen, so I sat down by the fire and lit a
+cigarette.  For ten minutes Fred and I were not interrupted, but I had
+already recognized the voices of Bunny Langham and Dennison, and I
+might have guessed that there was not likely to be much peace.  Our
+windows were wide open, and presently I began to hear a kind of choked
+laughter going on at the window above.  What was happening I did not
+know, but I suspected that some fresh game had begun and I wanted very
+much to know what it was.  I did not, however, wish them to see me nor
+was I anxious for Fred to see them, so I suggested that we should start
+back to Oxford.  Fred agreed to this, and getting up from his chair he
+walked out into the garden.  No sooner was he on the lawn than I saw
+him jump like a hare and put his hand up to his neck.  At the same
+moment the beanfeasters rushed out of their arbour and fairly went for
+him.  While this happened I was standing at the window wondering how I
+could persuade him to come back into the room, but as soon as I saw
+these two aggressive-looking men, not to mention their ladies, talking
+to him in most bellicose language, I went out.  One of them at once
+caught hold of me by the coat and spoke so fast and strangely that I
+did not altogether understand what he was saying.  He mentioned the
+name of Susan a great many times, and when he had finished tugging at
+my coat I asked him if there was anything the matter with the lady.
+
+"Look at 'er," he said; "just look at 'er.  I'm a respectable married
+man, married, last Thursday as ever was, and I'll 'ave compensation for
+this as sure as my name's Tom 'Arrison."
+
+I did not want to hear any more of his autobiography, so I looked at
+the lady pointed out as Susan.  I couldn't see much of her face because
+she had her hand over it, but I did not think they were an ill-assorted
+couple.
+
+"Has she been stung by a wasp?" I asked.  "A blue-bag----"
+
+"Look 'ere," the man interrupted and caught me again by the coat, "none
+of your bloomin' innocence.  You spied us out in that 'ere arbour, and
+'ave been peppering us with peas for the last ever so long, and one of
+you 'as 'it Susan sock in the eye.  Enough to make 'er an object for a
+fortnight, and us newly married.  Where, I should like to know, do I
+come in?" and I had great difficulty in wriggling his hand away from my
+coat.  The man made me angry, and I told him I hadn't the least notion
+where he came in, but if he thought we were big enough babies to use
+peashooters he was jolly well mistaken.  I looked round at Foster and
+found that he was being talked at by the remaining couple, who also
+looked as if they were newly married.  I heard the word Bella, and saw
+the lady so called endeavouring to draw Foster's attention to a mark on
+her arm.  Susan stood in the middle of the lawn and wept; I felt quite
+sorry for her, but the other three were really an intolerable nuisance.
+Tom Harrison declared it was worth two pounds any day, that Susan's
+beauty was spoilt, and that everybody would say they had been fighting
+already.  I smiled when he said "already," and for a moment I thought
+he was going to hit me.  He thought better of it, however, and I
+concluded that if he had intended to fight he would have begun then, so
+I turned my back upon him and looked at the window up-stairs.  There
+was not a sound coming from the room, and as I turned again to attend
+to Harrison I heard hoots of laughter, and a dog-cart passed along the
+road which skirted the garden.  As it went by I saw Jack Ward stand up
+on the back of the cart and look over the hedge.  When he saw what was
+happening he leant forward to speak to Bunny Langham, who was driving,
+and as they passed out of sight I thought that he was trying to get
+hold of the reins.
+
+The men went on talking; Susan wept steadily, and Bella said her arm
+was visibly swelling, and that she must have been hit by something far
+more dangerous than a pea.  They were not by any means interesting and
+I was glad to see the landlord coming from the house to join us.  He
+created the diversion of which we were badly in need, and Tom Harrison
+became more eloquent than ever.  But the landlord, as soon as he could
+make himself heard, was most thoroughly on the side of peace; he
+flourished his arms and declared, until I was weary, that a mistake had
+been made.  "These are not the gentlemen who shot at you.  Do they look
+like gentlemen who would use pea-shooters?"  I did not know what a man
+ought to look like who would not use a peashooter, but I did my best.
+
+"These are two nice quiet gentlemen," he went on; "took their food
+quite quiet."
+
+"And haven't paid for it yet," I interrupted; "how much is it?"
+
+"That will be a matter of half-a-crown each," he said, and I paid him.
+
+In the meantime Bella, who ought to have been watched, had walked into
+our sitting-room and found the visitors' book.  She returned
+triumphantly.  "I know one of their names, and that will be a deal more
+use than standing jawing here," she shouted.
+
+I looked at Foster inquiringly.  "I bought a blessed fountain pen
+yesterday and wanted to see if the thing would work," he explained; "it
+seems to have worked too well."
+
+"'F. L. Foster, Oriel College, Oxford,' in writing as easy to read as
+the newspaper.  Which of you two is it that writes just like me?"
+
+Foster solemnly took off his hat.
+
+"Then you, I guess, will 'ear more of this," Tom Harrison declared;
+"for the tale that it ain't you is a little too 'ot for us, isn't it?"
+
+Susan stopped wiping her eyes and joined in a chorus of assent.
+
+"I don't know what you expect to get," Foster said.
+
+"You needn't bother about that.  We know," Tom Harrison replied.
+
+After a little more conversation we started on our way back to Oxford,
+and as we left the garden I heard Tom Harrison say, "Two beers and two
+bottles of stout as quick as we can 'ave em; my throat's like a
+limekiln."  And considering the amount he had said at the top of his
+voice, I should think it was very likely true.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN
+
+Our walk was certainly not a success, in fact I was very sick of it
+before we reached Oxford, because I am no good at walking and cannot
+stride along at a steady pace.  And it also involved me in what, if
+real diplomatists will pardon me, I will call diplomacy, in which art
+or craft, or whatever the right name of it may be, I am most unskilled.
+I was on the point of telling Fred that I knew the party of peashooters
+when he, being in a much happier state of mind than he had been in the
+morning, began to talk about Jack Ward, and to say that I was very
+likely right about him, and that he was sure to be a nice kind of man
+when one got to know him.  Hearing this made me put off what I was
+going to say, and when I begin to postpone anything I am lost.  Second
+thoughts with me nearly always lead to trouble, however good they may
+be for other people.  I think I must have taken a fatherly interest in
+Ward, for what else it could have been which made me wish to shield him
+I do not know.  But I had seen him stand up in the dog-cart, and I
+thought he had recognized me and had tried to make Langham turn back,
+so I determined not to tell Fred anything until I had found out what
+really happened.  But I felt very uncomfortable, for I do hate keeping
+things dark, and when he went on to say that the pea-shooting people
+must have been unutterable bounders to go away and leave us in the
+lurch, I was again on the point of telling him that Ward was one of
+them, only he suddenly began to sing, which gave me time to think, and
+frightened two children who came round a corner of the road.  We were
+quite close to Broadmoor lunatic asylum at that moment, and Fred
+walking along with his hat in his hand might easily have been mistaken
+for some one else.  His mood had become most cheerful, and he said that
+he did not suppose Tom Harrison would ever be heard of again, and that
+the whole thing had been rather fun; but he added that he should like
+to tell the men who had been in the room above us what he thought of
+them.  He also told me that he had never known me so quiet, and when I
+continued to be silent he asked me if I was well, which annoyed me, for
+I am often asked that question when I do not happen to be talking, and
+in a lurking sort of way there seems to me to be something insulting
+about it.  I answered that I was thinking, which was quite true, but he
+only laughed and said I must have changed a lot lately.  I was quite
+tired of him before we separated in the High, and he was angry because
+I would not go to Oriel and have tea, but I felt that the day so far
+had been a hopeless failure, and I wanted to see Jack Ward.
+
+When I got back to my rooms at St. Cuthbert's my fire was nearly out
+and I saw two notes lying on the table, but could not find any matches
+to light my lamp.  I felt more gloomy than ever, and I was already
+feeling as if I had treated Fred most unfairly.  I might say that my
+end was all right, or I might declare that I meant well, which is
+another way of saying that I was a fool, and of the two I think the
+latter is the more correct.
+
+Murray had borrowed my matches and I spoke severely to him without
+producing any effect except amusement; whether I was thinking or angry
+the result seemed to be always the same--laughter, silly, idiotic
+chuckles.  I was in a very fair rage before I got my lamp to light, and
+I upset a large box of matches on the floor.  Murray came and helped to
+pick them up, and he bumped my nose with his head.  I felt sure that it
+was his fault and told him so, and he said I could jolly well pick up
+my own matches; so I apologized, for though my nose hurt there were a
+lot of matches still on the floor, and it was no use making my nose out
+worse than it was to spite my face.
+
+After that I read my notes, and they were not the usual invitations to
+breakfast, of which I had already received enough.  The first was to
+ask me to play for the twenty against the Rugger XV. in the Parks on
+the following Tuesday, and the second was from Miss Davenport to ask me
+to luncheon with the Warden on the same day.  These notes were more or
+less commands, but I neither felt very keen on playing for the XX. nor
+on lunching with the Warden.
+
+"I shall be glad when Tuesday is over," I said to Murray; "I have to
+lunch with the Warden."
+
+"I lunched there last Tuesday," he returned.
+
+"What was it like?"
+
+"Like no meal I have ever been at before.  Miss Davenport talked all
+the time and the Warden said precious little, but I was too afraid to
+listen to her for fear he might ask me something and I should not catch
+what he said.  Apart from saying 'yes' and 'no' and 'please' and 'thank
+you,' he only spoke once, and then it was the most extraordinarily long
+sentence I have ever heard.  It began about pork, which Miss Davenport
+said was more wholesome than people imagined, it went on about the
+Jews, and finished up with a tale about Nero.  He chuckled over his
+tale, but I didn't see much point in it, and Miss Davenport looked as
+if she had heard it before."
+
+"I know that tale, it's a chestnut; I can't remember it, but Nero
+behaved like a beast to a lot of Jews who came to see him in Rome.  The
+Warden oughtn't to tell old tales and then chuckle over them; besides,
+Nero was a brute."
+
+"I don't think that would make any difference to the Warden.  He
+terrifies me; I daren't say anything because I am sure he would
+remember that it was a stupid thing to say.  I felt as if I was a
+convict, and that if I spoke I should give myself away.  I can tell you
+it was something awful, and for all I know he may have expected me to
+say something."
+
+"Probably not," I replied; "I should think he hears far too many people
+jawing.  I hope he makes me feel like a convict, and then I shall
+behave myself all right, but a silence at a meal gives me fits."
+
+"Miss Davenport is never silent," Murray asserted.  "If she can talk
+about pork, you may guess she has plenty to say.  The Warden looks at
+her in a forgiving sort of way--as if he knows she is talking rot, but
+can't help herself."
+
+"They must be a funny pair.  You don't think I shall laugh, do you?" I
+asked.
+
+"I didn't feel like laughing.  I never thought of it in that way, but
+it couldn't strike you as being funny while you are there."
+
+"I don't know," I said; "I think I had better be ill on Tuesday." But
+then I remembered I had got to play footer, and I chucked the card over
+to Murray.
+
+"I've got to play in this thing, too.  The Warden kicks you out about
+two, so it will be all right.  You simply must go.  Where have you been
+to this afternoon?"
+
+"I walked to Sampford with Foster, and we had a row there with two men,
+not much of a row.  I must go and see Ward."  I jumped up, but the
+chapel bell began to ring, and I had to postpone seeing him.
+
+"I am all behind with my chapels and roll-calls," I said to Murray;
+"this will be my twenty-first, and five weeks of the term have gone."
+
+"I kept six chapels last week," Murray answered; "you will have to go
+hard to keep nineteen in three weeks."
+
+"I mean doing it and getting up very early in the morning.  I am going
+to reform," and I left him at the chapel door, for he, being a scholar,
+sat in the seats behind all of us who were commoners or exhibitioners.
+
+After chapel, at which the Regius Professor of Divinity preached and
+told us that Sunday luncheon parties were very wrong, I seized Ward and
+bore him off to his rooms, where we found Dennison sitting by the fire
+with his legs stuck up on the mantelpiece.  I wanted to see Ward alone,
+but Dennison had been at Sampford, so he did not matter much, though
+Ward with Dennison never seemed to be quite the same as he was without
+him.
+
+Dennison twisted round in his chair, and as soon as he saw me he began
+to talk.  "You ought to have been with us this afternoon," he said, "we
+had a most lovely rag.  Bunny Langham took us over to Sampford in his
+cart, and I had a peashooter."
+
+The loveliness of the rag was too much for him, and he had to stop his
+account of it so that he might laugh.  I looked at Ward, and although
+he did not appear to be very amused, he showed no signs of knowing that
+Foster and I had been at Sampford.
+
+"After lunch," Dennison went on, "I discovered some people in an
+arbour, the bill and coo business, and I fairly peppered them; I am no
+end of a shot with a peashooter."
+
+"You missed them about a dozen times," Ward put in.
+
+"Those were sighting shots, you must get your range, and they were
+about as far off as my shooter will carry; but I got them out of the
+place at last, and another fellow, Oxford written all over him, walked
+bang into them.  I gave him one on the neck and then we bolted.  It was
+a pity we couldn't stop and see what happened."
+
+"We ought to have stopped," Ward declared and disappeared into his
+bedroom.
+
+"I can tell you what happened," I said, and I lifted Dennison's legs
+off the mantelpiece and stood between him and the fire.  I had been
+angry before Dennison described Foster as having Oxford written all
+over him, but the cheek of labelling Fred as if he was some tailor's
+dummy made me furious.
+
+Dennison looked at me and then shouted for Ward.  "Marten can tell us
+what happened after we went, come and hear it."
+
+"Wait a second.  I am going to dine with Bunny at the Sceptre and am
+changing."
+
+In a minute he appeared and went on dressing.
+
+"I think you are the meanest lot of brutes unhung," I began, for I had
+been given time to think of something which would make Dennison see at
+once that this joke was not such a good one after all.  "Foster of
+Oriel was one of the men you bolted from, and I was the other, and the
+thing isn't ended yet, for they got Foster's name.  You hit one woman
+in the eye; do you think that very funny?"
+
+"Sheer bad luck," Dennison said, but he did not look quite as unruffled
+and smug as usual.
+
+Ward stood with his tie in his hand and did not say a word.  I knew
+already that he had wanted to go back when he saw that there was a row,
+and since he had neither recognized Foster nor me my wrath was
+concentrated upon Dennison.
+
+"You may call it what you like," I continued, "but if you get up a row
+and then haven't the pluck to see it out I call it a dirty thing to do."
+
+I thought that must be enough to rouse Dennison, but he actually smiled
+at me and told me to go on.
+
+"What do you think?" I asked Ward.
+
+"Of course I did not recognize you and Foster, but when I saw those
+people had buttoned on to the wrong man I said we ought to go back.  I
+wish that we had gone back," he answered.
+
+"What did they do?" Dennison inquired.
+
+"They found out Foster's name, and one of them, an awful man called Tom
+Harrison, says he is going to get compensation from him because you hit
+Susan in the eye with a pea and hadn't the decency to stay there and
+own up to it.  There's the dinner bell, and I'm about sick of you
+fellows."
+
+"I hit Susan in the eye," Dennison said reflectively.  "Was Susan Tom
+Harrison's inamorata?" he asked.
+
+"Talk English and I may answer you.  It doesn't matter a row of pins
+who Susan was as long as she has a black eye," I replied.
+
+"It is evidently no good speaking to you until you have calmed down.
+You remind me of a damp squib, all fuss and no result.  I am going to
+dinner," Dennison said, and went out of the room without looking at
+either Ward or myself.
+
+"I shall do something awful to that brute before I have finished with
+him.  He makes me mad," I said, and Ward walked across the room to me.
+
+"I am most horribly sorry about this," he began, "and I will come back
+straight from the Sceptre and see you.  Be in at nine o'clock."
+
+"You didn't shoot at those people, did you?" I asked.
+
+"No; but well, you see, Dennison is better than I am at getting in for
+a row, and I am better at getting out of it."
+
+"He's a low-down hound," I asserted, and after promising to be in at
+nine o'clock I seized my gown and went away.  As I went into the hall I
+met Collier, and during dinner I expressed my opinion of Dennison very
+freely.  There are times at Oxford when you regret most tremendously
+that you have left school, and this was one of them.
+
+"A fellow like that would be kicked at any decent school," I said.
+
+"He was kicked at Charbury until he managed to become a sort of blood.
+He played racquets very well," Collier added, as if by way of an excuse.
+
+"Why do we put up with him?" I asked viciously, for I could see him
+making Lambert and Webb shout with laughter at the table opposite me.
+
+"I don't know," Collier answered, "I suppose it's his smile.  What part
+of a fowl do you think this is? it looks to me like the neck."  He
+turned it over several times and then called a servant.  "Please take
+this back, and say I have to be very careful what I eat.  I keep a
+list, and this isn't on it.  I never saw that joint before," he added
+to me, and lost all interest in Dennison.  I thought it a pity that
+Collier took so much trouble over what he ate; the sight of that
+unusual joint made him quite silent and inattentive during the rest of
+the meal.
+
+I went to his rooms after dinner, as I felt sleepy, and he never did
+anything on Sunday except sleep, eat, and go to chapel.  His room was
+full of tinted literature, but I never saw him read it, and I believe
+he bought _The Sporting Times_ on Saturdays so that he could give it to
+any man who attacked him with conversation on his day of rest.  His
+table was covered by a most miscellaneous dessert, and I asked him if
+he expected a lot of men.
+
+"Not a soul," he replied, and sank into a chair by the fire.  "I have
+this every Sunday night, because my people pay my common-room bill, and
+I have to pay everything else out of my allowance.  They told me to do
+myself well, but after this term I expect they will see that this odd
+sort of arrangement won't work.  I can feed a regiment on almonds and
+raisins without it costing me a sou.  Help yourself to coffee, stick
+the dish of anchovy toast down between us, and if you want to read
+there are three Sunday papers and a crowd of old magazines."
+
+I sat by the fire and read four short stories to pass the time.
+Dennison poked his head into the room and withdrew it when he saw me.
+I congratulated myself upon that little incident, for I felt that if he
+understood how I hated the sight of him something would have been
+gained.  At nine o'clock I left Collier and went to my rooms to wait
+for Ward.  I did not expect him to be punctual, because I guessed that
+a dinner given by Bunny Langham would be difficult to leave.  He turned
+up, however, in about half-an-hour, and said he was jolly glad to get
+away from the Sceptre.  "Bunny's all right," he said, "but some of his
+friends are too much--even for me."
+
+I replied that Bunny was all wrong, and said why I thought so.
+
+"You don't know him," Ward explained; "he would never leave any one in
+a hole if he thought for a second.  He's the most good-natured, weak
+kind of man on earth, but he would never do the wrong thing.  He goes
+straight over a precious difficult country, for he hasn't got any more
+will than a rabbit and is as blind as a bat.  He will be in trouble to
+the end of his days, but he will never make any one ashamed of him."
+
+I thought this was rather a glorified conception of the Bunny I knew,
+so I said nothing.
+
+"You must see that he is a good sort," Ward said.
+
+"Everybody's a good sort," I answered impatiently.  "Collier calls the
+fellow with the green-baize apron who collects the boots a good sort,
+and some man I met at home, who talked about emperors and kings as if
+they were all his cousins, declared that the Sultan of Morocco was the
+best sort he had ever met--when one got to know him."
+
+"I don't wonder you are sick," he returned.  "I should be if any one
+had done to me what we did to you and Foster this afternoon.  It looks
+pretty rotten on the face of it, and I am as sorry as blazes that you
+had to have a row with those men."
+
+"I'm not sick about the row," I answered; "that would have been fun if
+they hadn't got Foster's name."
+
+Ward lay back in his chair, and tried to blow rings of smoke from his
+cigarette.
+
+"Then you are just angry because you think we ought to have come back,"
+he said.
+
+"No, I'm not," I replied, and I felt horribly uncomfortable.
+
+He looked most thoroughly puzzled.  "What on earth do you mean?" he
+asked.
+
+I got up and walked about the room before I spoke.  "It's this way," I
+began.  "I wanted you and Foster to like each other, because he is the
+greatest friend I have, and I like you.  And when I had been saying
+what a good fellow you were, you go and make a most infernal row in a
+pub on Sunday afternoon and then bolt.  I saw you in that confounded
+cart, and I ought to have told Foster that I knew you were the fellow
+who bolted.  But I didn't."
+
+Ward sat staring in front of him, and did not speak for some time.  "I
+don't think I could ever be friends with Foster," he said at last; "he
+hated me at sight; but it is deucedly good of you all the same.  I will
+write him a note and tell him I was the man.  I was going to do that,
+anyhow."
+
+"You weren't the man," I asserted; "it was that little brute, Dennison."
+
+"He doesn't count," Ward said.
+
+I was disposed to agree with him on that point, but I thought that he
+and I had better go round and see Foster in the morning, instead of
+writing a note.  He did not like this at first, but after some talking
+he said that he would come, and on the next morning we went round to
+Oriel.  We made Foster look a most awful idiot, but that could not be
+helped.  I know that if two men came to me simply bulging with
+apologies, I should look for the nearest window.
+
+Fred hardly said anything but "All right" and "For goodness' sake don't
+say a word more about it," but it showed that Ward was not as bad as he
+thought him.  I stayed behind after Ward had gone so that I might put
+things a little more straight, but Fred would not listen to another
+word.  "You were in a vile temper yesterday afternoon, and now I know
+the cause.  That's enough, so shut up.  You seem to have become a kind
+of guardian to Ward," and then he stopped suddenly, for it struck him
+that he had said one of those things which funny people say, and he
+would never have done that on purpose.  I assured him that I knew he
+had said it accidentally, but it stopped us talking about Ward,
+because, when you hate puns, it is most discomforting to make one
+suddenly.  I made a pun once--I can still remember it, because if I had
+performed this feat intentionally I should have deserved all I got.
+What I did get was a dig in the ribs from Collier and the remark, "You
+are a wag," and then I had to repeat it to his three cousins, one of
+whom was deaf and none of whom understood it, though they all laughed.
+It was a Latin pun.
+
+I am one of those people, Oliver Cromwell was another, to whom
+important things happened on a certain day.  Tuesday was my day, I
+forget which his was, but it does not matter, because it is to be found
+in histories and almanacs.  My day is not a matter of interest to
+anybody, but all the same I was born on a Tuesday, and things which I
+have had special reason to remember or regret have generally happened
+to me--so my mother says--on the same day.  And it was on a Tuesday
+that I lunched with the Warden and began a curious sort of friendship
+with him.  I suppose that I ought not to talk of a friendship between a
+man like the Warden, who was a mighty man of learning, and myself, but
+after all he gave me one of his books, and wrote in it, "To my young
+friend and quondam companion."  "Quondam" was rather a pity, perhaps;
+it sounds pedantic, and the Warden was no pedant, unless he wanted to
+snub people.
+
+I went to his luncheon, and, having neuralgia, said nothing until he
+told me that he knew Mr. Prettyman, who was one of the masters at
+Cliborough.  If the Warden knew Prettyman I guessed that he had also
+heard something about me, and I thought I might as well stick up for
+myself as far as possible, so I said that Mr. Prettyman was the sort of
+man who, when you had lost a thing, always asked you where you had put
+it.  He had on one occasion actually done this to me, and annoyed me
+very much.  The Warden took no notice of my remark, and I was left to
+my neuralgia until the end of the meal.  The other men who were there
+talked a lot; one of them said what he thought of Irving in _Hamlet_,
+and another criticized the paintings of Watts; the Warden kept his
+opinions to himself, and at two o'clock asked us what we were going to
+do in the afternoon.  All of us were bent on active employment, but
+just as I was leaving the dining-room, he called me back and asked me
+if I would go for a walk with him at three o'clock on the following
+Thursday afternoon.  I was too confused to remember what I said, and I
+only recollect that I left his house feeling as if something very awful
+was going to happen.  I changed to play for the XX. against the XV. in
+a kind of daymare, if there is a state of mind which can be so
+described, and I had a good deal to say to Murray, as we walked down to
+the Parks together, about my luck.  Murray laughed all the way from St.
+Cuthbert's to Keble; he kept on breaking out into small cackles, which,
+of all the bad ways of laughing, must be the worst.
+
+I started to play footer that afternoon without troubling to think how
+I should play.  I could see myself marching slowly along the Woodstock
+road with the Warden, and however badly I played did not seem to matter
+much, for there was something far more awful to come.  The XV. began to
+press at once, and I, as full-back, had plenty to do.  What I did was
+reckless; I simply did not care what happened, and everything I tried
+seemed to come off.  Everybody who plays games has an occasional day
+when things get twisted round, and it is easier to do right than wrong.
+Those are the days for which we live in hope, and one of mine came on
+that Tuesday.  I knew the whole thing was a fluke, and I told Murray
+and Foster so after the game, but they both said that I had given Sykes
+of Merton, who was playing back for the XV., something to think about.
+
+During the next day, visions of my blue floated before me, and the
+prospect of walking with the Warden lost its terrors, until I went
+round to see Fred on Thursday morning.  I wanted him to give me some
+hints, but I am sorry so say he saw only the humorous side of my
+engagement, and was very exasperating when he might have been extremely
+useful.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+A SURPRISE
+
+When I left my rooms to walk with the Warden, I imagined that every one
+I met was laughing at me, and being intensely on the alert for insults,
+I was very displeased with the butler when he came to the door, and
+surveyed me.  "What can you want with the Warden?" was written plainly
+over his face.  I have never met a man who could be more gravely
+condescending than the Warden's butler, and I know several first-class
+cricketers, two headmasters, a popular novelist, and a rising
+politician aged twenty-four.  I should have enjoyed telling that man
+what I thought of him, but a doorstep is a poor place for an
+altercation, unless it is with a cabman, and I saw the Warden advancing
+upon me clad in a cloak, and carrying a most useful umbrella, which
+must have been rolled up by himself.
+
+The appearance of the Warden might have surprised any one, but it could
+have impressed nobody.  You had to know that he was a Warden, and wrote
+books about religion and philosophy, before you could feel afraid of
+him.  If he was a precisian in the choice of words, he certainly was
+not one in the matter of dress.
+
+"I think," he said, with just a glance at me to see if I was the right
+man, "that we will enter the Parks by the gates opposite to Keble
+College; we shall be more or less interrupted by the noisy, if
+necessary, shouts of football players, but we shall escape the
+authoritative note of the bicycle bell."
+
+There wasn't much that I could say in answer to this, so I walked down
+the Broad in silence, and tried in vain to keep step with my companion.
+Before we had reached Wadham his shuffle had got upon my nerves, and I
+wished furiously that he would say something to me.  He seemed to have
+tucked his head into his neck, and to have retired into the world of
+contemplation.  As we entered the Parks I was seized with a wild desire
+to run away.  I had not uttered a word, and I had arrived at a state of
+mind which prompted me to give a terrific yell, just to see what would
+happen next.  When I feel like that I must speak at least, so I said
+that it looked as if it might rain.  It is not likely that I should
+have made such a remark if I could have thought of any other, and it
+had the merit of not being startling and also of being true.  But if I
+had given the yell which I wished to give, I could not have produced a
+greater effect upon the Warden.  I think that he had forgotten my
+existence, and for a moment he could not remember why I was with him.
+He poked his head forward, and looked at me until I regretted my effort
+at conversation, and was dreadfully afraid I should have to repeat it;
+a remark about the weather in some way or other seems to lose all its
+sparkle when it is repeated.
+
+The Warden, however, had heard what I said, and when he had detached
+himself from whatever he was thinking about, he answered me.
+
+"I am not one of those who pretend to any extraordinary knowledge of
+weather symptoms," he began, and he stood in the middle of the path,
+while a gardener leant on his spade and watched us; "indeed, I have
+often noticed that those who make the greatest pretensions of that kind
+are themselves most frequently mistaken.  In fact, my friend Dr.
+Marshall, who wrote the meteorological reports for _The Times_
+newspaper, was frequently himself in doubt whether or no to take out an
+umbrella for a walk."
+
+I did not venture to interrupt him again for some time, and my next
+outbreak was quite unpremeditated.  We were passing a college rugger
+match, and a pass which was palpably forward escaped the notice of the
+referee.  I joined in the cry of "forward" which was raised, and the
+Warden stopped once more and actually smiled.  On this occasion I had
+forgotten all about him, and my shout probably surprised him as much as
+me.
+
+"I am sorry," I said to him, "but I really couldn't help it."
+
+"There is no occasion to express or even to feel regret," he answered,
+and his eyes twinkled delightfully; "if youth lost its spontaneity it
+would at one and the same moment lose its charm.  Did your cry refer to
+this?"  He pointed with his umbrella to a scrimmage which was taking
+place a few yards away from us.
+
+"Some one threw the ball forward, which he is not allowed to do," I
+explained, and a man was hurled into touch close to the spot where we
+were standing.
+
+"The game of football which I believe bears the honoured name of Rugby
+appeals, or it seems to me to appeal, to the more violent of the
+emotions.  Do you play this game, which strikes the eye of the
+observant, but not initiated, as the relic of an age in which brute
+force rather than science was the aim of the athlete?"
+
+He walked on as he finished speaking, and I told him that I played
+Rugby football and liked it.  "I like nearly every game," I added.
+
+He glanced at me quickly, and after we had walked a little way he began
+again.
+
+"The excellent Lord Chesterfield in his _Letters_ stated that it was
+very disagreeable to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to be so;
+most of my young friends impress me with the fact that they have
+learned that maxim too well.  But you on the contrary----" He waved his
+umbrella and did not finish the sentence.
+
+"There is no harm in liking games," I answered; "if I did not take
+heaps of exercise I should never be well, or able to read."
+
+"Heaps of exercise," he repeated, and looked oddly at me.
+
+"I mean a fearful lot of exercise," I explained.
+
+"You did not quote 'Mens sana in corpore sano,' for which I have to
+thank you, even if your use of the English language affords reasonable
+grounds for protest.  Heaps of mud, heaps of rubbish, but not, I think,
+heaps of exercise."
+
+"Heaps of money," I ventured to suggest, but he shook his head sadly.
+
+"We were talking of athletics," he said, "which represent to me the
+most sweeping epidemic of the century.  Do not let athletics spread
+their deadly, if in one sense empurpling, pall over your University
+life.  Oxford has many gifts for those who are willing to receive them;
+do not, my friend, be content with the least which she can give.  The
+maxim of Mr. Browning, that the grasp of a man should exceed his reach,
+if not an ennobling maxim, must not be forgotten entirely."
+
+I walked by his side in silence, for I knew that the Warden did not
+often give advice to an undergraduate.  His language even seemed to
+have become less carefully chosen, and I felt that he intended to be
+not only human but kind, for there was no special reason why he should
+talk to me unless he wished.
+
+He did not speak again until we reached St. Cuthbert's, but when we had
+reached the back quadrangle he stopped, and after poking the ground
+with his umbrella, said--
+
+"I would do nothing willingly to lessen your enthusiasm, you have, I
+believe, been endowed liberally with that most exhilarating virtue; I
+would only suggest to you that your enthusiasm need not of necessity be
+expended solely upon athletics.  I hope that we shall be able to enjoy
+very many walks together."
+
+I thrust out my hand, but he hesitated; I forgot that I had nearly made
+him shout with pain a few weeks before, but he, as far as I know, never
+forgot anything.  He trusted me, however, and I treated him very gently.
+
+As soon as the Warden had disappeared into his house I heard a bellow
+of derisive laughter at a window above me, and looking up I saw
+Dennison standing there; but at that moment I hated him even more than
+I did usually, and I walked off to see Jack Ward without even saying
+what I thought of him.
+
+Jack was having a bath when I got to his rooms, and while he was
+dressing he told me how he had been spending the afternoon.  I never
+knew what he might do next--he flew off at tangents so often--but I was
+surprised to hear how he had been employing himself.
+
+"Perhaps you will think me a fool," he began, "but that Tom Harrison
+affair gave me the jumps, and I couldn't wait to see if Foster was
+going to be tackled.  So I rode over to Sampford, and the man said that
+Harrison lived in a village a few miles off.  I had lunch at Sampford
+and then went on, and, to cut it short, the whole thing is settled."
+
+"You paid?"
+
+"Not very much; and Tom said I was the first gentleman he had ever
+known come from Oxford--you must pay for a remark like that.  He
+described us as 'bloomin' 'aughty,' and 'not enough brass to buy a
+moke.'  Do you know that you are playing for the 'Varsity on Saturday
+against Blackheath?  I want to go up to town, so I shall come and see
+you play."
+
+I thought that he was trying to prevent me from thanking him, and I did
+not really believe that I was going to play until he took his oath that
+I was.  Then we had tea, and I thanked him; for if there is one thing
+in the world of which I will not be baulked it is thanking people.  I
+hate doing it so much, that it has got to be done.  Jack, however, did
+not pretend to listen to what I said, and after I had finished we
+talked about Dennison; both of us were sick to death of him, but when
+you are always meeting a man in other people's rooms, and he won't see
+that you don't like him, it is not very easy to get rid of him; for
+when you are a fresher you can't choose your friends so easily as you
+can when your first year is over.
+
+After dinner Fred came round to tell me that we were both playing
+against Blackheath, and as Jack came in as well, I said that I would
+get another man to play whist.  I went to Murray, because I was most
+anxious that he should be friends with Jack; but I did not tell him
+that Jack was one of the four, or I am sure that he would not have
+come.  I liked both Murray and Jack, and I thought that when I got them
+together each would see what a nice man the other was, for I was again
+in the mood when everything seems to be easy.  But I cannot say that my
+efforts were successful; their politeness knocked every spark of
+cheeriness out of the game, and we played in dreadful silence, which
+may be all right for very good players, but it does not suit me in the
+least.
+
+When Murray looked at his watch and said that he must be going, I felt
+quite relieved, and I decided then that I would stop trying to make
+Murray and Jack like each other, for the process was too painful and
+slow for me.
+
+After he had gone I told Foster what Ward had been doing, and it was
+really quite funny to see how confused they were.  Fred said how good
+it was of Ward to have taken so much bother about nothing, which was
+not quite what he meant, but it did very well; and Ward mumbled
+something in reply, which neither of us could hear.  Altogether they
+managed it most successfully, and when Fred went away Ward said that he
+would see him to the lodge.  I found out afterwards that he stopped me
+going with Fred, so that he might tell him nothing would have happened
+if he had not seen Tom Harrison; he was the kind of man who never tried
+to get more credit than he deserved, unless it was from Oxford
+tradesmen.
+
+Playing against Blackheath on the Rectory field before a large crowd of
+people was good fun, and at the end of the game I thought that I had
+managed to escape without making a very pitiable exhibition of myself.
+But on the following Monday the sporting papers criticized me most
+unpleasantly.  "Marten was obviously nervous, and did not seem to
+settle down until the game was lost."  "As full-back Marten had much to
+learn; his tackling was good, but his kicking left much to be desired,
+and he seldom found touch."   I turned from _The Sportsman_ and
+_Sporting Life_ to _The Daily Telegraph_, and found that I had shown
+"more pluck than judgment."
+
+I felt that Sykes of Merton must be having an enjoyable morning, and
+even the fact that the critics unanimously praised Foster was of little
+assistance to me.  My chance had come, and I had not taken it; there
+could not have been a more miserable man in Oxford, and for a whole
+solid week I never cut a lecture or did anything of which even Mr.
+Edwardes could disapprove.
+
+Sykes reappeared in the 'Varsity team, and Foster declared that the
+whole thing was a swindle; but he was more prejudiced in my favour than
+I was myself.  The last match of the term at Oxford, and the one
+previous to the 'Varsity match, was against the Old Cliburians, and the
+O. C.s having had a disastrous season Adamson, who always played centre
+three-quarters with Foster, did not play, but put a man from Queen's in
+his place.  This man, whose name was Pott, had been laid up all the
+term, and two or three people said it was lucky for Foster that Pott
+had not been able to play before.  I played back for the O. C.s, and
+the game was enough to make any Cambridge man who saw it stand on his
+head with delight.  The 'Varsity could do nothing right; the passing
+broke down time after time, and the forwards got impatient and kicked
+too hard.  I thought Foster was the one man on the side who played
+decently, but five minutes before the end, when we were leading by a
+goal to nothing, Pott made a very good run and got a try in the corner.
+It seemed to me that this was the only thing he did during the whole
+game, and it was my fault that he got the try, for I went for him a
+second too late and he fell over the line, but the place-kick went
+crooked, and we won by a goal to a try.
+
+Adamson, who was touch-judging, said what he thought about the 'Varsity
+team, and he could be the most uncomplimentary man in Europe when he
+liked.  His temper was awful, and it did not seem to be improved by the
+use of expletives.  This game was played on a Saturday, and on the
+following Wednesday week we had to play the 'Varsity match at Queen's
+Club.  The Cambridge team was published in the papers on the Monday,
+but some one told me that our committee were not meeting until the
+Monday evening.  This did not interest me much, for apart from wanting
+to see that Fred had got his blue, and I thought he was a certainty, I
+did not mind who else was chosen.  Sykes had played better against the
+O. C.s than he had ever done before, and even Fred said that he was
+afraid my chance had gone for this year.
+
+After dinner on Monday evening I was sitting in my rooms with Murray,
+and although it was not nine o'clock, I was wondering how soon I could
+go to bed, when Ward suddenly burst in, fairly bubbling over with
+excitement.  He turned me right out of my chair, and hitting me
+violently on the back, said he had never been so awfully glad in all
+his life.  My first impression was that he had been made glad by wine,
+and I told him to clear out if he could not behave himself, which made
+him catch hold of me and dance me round the room.  By the time we had
+finished I found that Dennison, Collier, Lambert, Webb and a host of
+other people had come to my rooms, and at last I discovered that I had
+got my blue.  For a moment I did not believe it, but I managed to push
+Ward into a corner, and told him I would never speak to him again if it
+was not true.  Then he swore that he had seen the names of the XV. to
+play against Cambridge stuck up in the window of Howell's shop in the
+Turl, and the first name he saw was G. Marten (St. Cuthbert's), back.
+
+"And Foster, of course?" I said.
+
+Then Jack Ward's face fell.  "No, they've gone mad," he answered; "it's
+that man Potts, of Queen's."
+
+Men buzzed about congratulating me, and one part of me felt most
+tremendously glad, and the other part most outrageously sorry.  I said
+a lot of things about the committee, and everybody except Ward and
+Murray thought I had gone mad.  The college clock struck nine, and old
+Tom's nightly warning began to sound over the city.  I seized a cap and
+bolted down-stairs, leaving my rooms full of astonished men.  But Fred
+Foster was the only man I wanted to see, and by making a tremendous
+rush for Oriel I got there before the gates were closed.  I cannot
+describe how I was feeling that evening, but I knew that Fred was
+infinitely better at footer than I was, and in my wildest moments I had
+never imagined that I should be put in the XV. while he was left out of
+it.
+
+I found him sitting in his room alone, but directly he saw me he jumped
+up and began to talk.
+
+"I came to St. Cuthbert's to congratulate you," he began.
+
+"It is a confounded swindle," I interrupted.
+
+"But there was such a row in your rooms that I couldn't face it."
+
+"I have never been so sick about anything in my life," I said; and he
+looked so miserable that in spite of the comfortable sensation of
+having got my blue I meant it.
+
+"It was a vile knock for me, but I don't mind half so much now one of
+us is in.  Your people will be most awfully glad."
+
+"They will think the committee are mad to leave you out and put me in.
+It upsets things altogether."
+
+"Pott's in his fourth year, and I must have another shot, that's all,"
+he said.
+
+"You are bound to get your cricket blue," I declared.
+
+"When a man begins to miss getting in as I have done, he very often
+keeps on doing it," and he mentioned the names of two or three men who,
+with any luck, would have played both cricket and footer against
+Cambridge, but were never chosen.  "Don't bother about me," he went on,
+"but get yourself as fit as possible, and play like blazes at Queen's
+Club; you will be doing me a good turn if you play well, because at
+present they have got an idea up here that Cliborough fellows can't
+play footer.  I heard Adamson saying so."
+
+I expressed my opinion of Adamson and went back to college, for I ought
+not to have been out after nine o'clock, because my gating would not
+finish.  But I must say that when the Subby sent for me, and I
+explained what had happened, he congratulated me on getting my blue,
+and said that under such exceptional circumstances he would excuse my
+forgetfulness.
+
+For the next few days I got up and went to bed very early; I ran round
+the Parks before breakfast, which took me some time and was a most
+dreary occupation, and I kicked a ball about nearly every day.  All of
+my people went up to town for the match, and Fred and I joined them at
+the Langham on the Tuesday night.  My mother was dreadfully sorry for
+Fred, and Nina seemed to have forgotten that she was nearly grown-up,
+and gave herself no airs at all.  I think that Fred, who forgave
+swindles very quickly, found some consolation in the fact that he was
+going to watch the match with Nina, which would have amused me had I
+not been so anxious about the morrow.
+
+There cannot be a more cheerless spot in London than the Queen's Club
+on a foggy December afternoon, but when I arrived there and found that
+we had got to play in semi-darkness my nervousness almost disappeared.
+
+After being photographed, and running about the ground to stretch our
+legs, we began, and for some time I should not think a full-back ever
+had less to do than I had.  The game settled down into one long
+scrimmage, and apart from making a few kicks, which were neither good
+nor bad, I was almost a spectator, and at half-time I was, in
+comparison with every one else, quite disgustingly clean.  We played
+towards the pavilion during the second half, and before ten minutes had
+passed I was covered with mud, if not with glory.  The Cambridge
+three-quarters got the ball, and after a round of passing one of them
+got a try right behind our posts.  Adamson promptly told me that it was
+my fault, but as a matter of fact Pott had slipped up at a critical
+moment and left his man unmarked, so I did not get much chance of
+preventing the try.
+
+After this Cambridge pressed us hard, and I had to fall on the ball
+continually, which is a dismal performance until one gets warmed up to
+it.  Pott's knee had given way, and though he stayed on the ground and
+limped about, the Cambridge forwards seemed to be always rushing past
+him and hurling me to the ground.  Luck, however, was on our side, and
+though they were often on the point of scoring nothing really happened,
+and at last our forwards got the ball down to the other end of the
+ground.  I hoped for a little peace, but the man who plays full-back
+and expects such a thing is an idiot.  Only a few minutes were left
+when the Cambridge three-quarters got off again, and, Pott being
+useless, two men came at top speed for me.  Their centre had the ball,
+and had only to throw it to the wing man for a try to be a certainty.
+The wing man was an international and about the fastest three-quarter
+in Scotland, so I tried a little device, which was bad football, though
+in this case it came off.  My only chance was for the centre man to
+lose his head, and he lost it quite beautifully; if he had only gone on
+himself instead of trying to pass there was nobody to stop him, for I
+had made up my mind to prevent the fast man getting the ball whatever
+happened.  I ran in between them, and the centre passed right into my
+hands; at the same moment the wing man slipped up, and I was going for
+the Cambridge line as fast as I could.  No one being near me I think
+that I made one of the fastest runs of my life, but not having been
+blessed with speed I had to pass at last, and I happened to make quite
+a good shot, for one of our halves got the ball and ran in behind the
+posts.  Adamson kicked the goal all right, and the game ended in a draw
+directly afterwards.
+
+I don't mind saying that as I walked off the ground I should have been
+glad if there had been less fog; I had suffered so much after the
+Cambridge try, that I should have been pleased if everybody had seen
+the finish; but after all Fred had managed to discover what had
+happened, and if there had not been a fog, I expect I should not have
+tried to intercept that pass, for it would have looked quite awful if I
+had not happened to do it.  All kinds of people congratulated me, and
+Adamson was good enough to acknowledge that I had atoned for my
+previous mistake; but I could not help wondering what he would have
+said if the Cambridge man had not happened to make such a bad pass.
+There was a condescension about Adamson which roused my worst passions,
+for of all the blues I have seen he was the only one who ever took an
+insane delight in himself, and unfortunately he belonged to a college
+which so seldom had a blue, that when they did get one they almost
+worshipped him.
+
+After the game was over I went back to the Langham, for Fred and I had
+arranged to go to a theatre with Jack Ward; but I have only the vaguest
+idea of the performance I watched.  I had slept badly the night before,
+and now that the match was over, nothing could keep me awake, so I had
+to be given up as hopeless, though Fred gave me an occasional dig with
+his elbow just to keep me from snoring.  By the time the play was over
+I was properly awake again, and so satisfied with myself, that when I
+met Dennison going out of the theatre I was even glad to see him.
+
+"Ward told me you were coming here," he said.  "What are you going to
+do now?"
+
+"Going home, I suppose," I answered; but I cannot say that I cared much
+where I went.
+
+"Let's go to the Parma, there is sure to be a rag on there," he said to
+Jack, and after some discussion we walked down Shaftesbury Avenue.
+
+I think the air of the town must have got into Dennison's head, for I
+had not walked far before I was in more than my usual state of rage
+with him.  He ordered us about most abominably, and seemed to think
+that I was sure to lose my way unless I kept close to him.  As a matter
+of fact, neither Fred nor I knew London well, but I resented being
+treated like an infant, and if Dennison only looked after us out of
+kindness, I did not see why he should do it at the top of his voice.  I
+had an inexplicable feeling that it was the duty of every one to know
+something about London, and although I should not have recognized
+Piccadilly Circus when I saw it, I was quite prepared to put that down
+to the fog; for if Dennison had not taken so much for granted, I should
+never willingly have given myself away to him.
+
+When we reached the Parma I was very thirsty, but there were so many
+people in the place that it was impossible to get near the bar.  We
+were jolted about by men who, having nothing else to say, shouted "Good
+old Cambridge!" and "Now then, Oxford!"  The pandemonium was deafening,
+and Jack said to me that the whole thing wasn't good enough, and unless
+you happened to feel like shoving into people and then pretending that
+you were very sorry he was quite right.
+
+A man standing on the steps at the top of the room began to make a
+speech until somebody shoved him down, and his top-hat, having been
+knocked off, was kicked about by everybody who could get near it.  Men
+whom I never remembered having seen before, shook me warmly by the hand
+and treated me as if I was their greatest friend, but none of them
+could get me anything to drink.  This scene was subsequently described
+as disgraceful, but it was really very dull, and after a few more
+minutes spent in trying to make my voice heard in the noise, the lights
+were turned out.  The word "Johnnys" ran round the place, and there was
+a big rush for the door leading into Piccadilly Circus.  Fortunately I
+got out at once, and I found myself marching clown Piccadilly in the
+second row of a procession.  Foster was next to me, though how he got
+there I cannot conceive, and Ward and Dennison were in the front row.
+We sang as we walked, and people cleared out of our way.  I heard one
+man who met us say "Poor fools!" and the fellow who was with him
+answered "We did that kind of thing years ago, didn't we?"  Outside The
+St. John's we came to a dead stop, and the men in front of me began
+arguing with an enormous man who stood at the entrance.
+
+"No one else is to be admitted to-night," I heard the giant say.
+
+"But it is not closing time," some one answered.
+
+"These are my orders, gentlemen," he said, and it was really rather
+nice of him to address us as he did.
+
+Ward did not say a word, but tried quite amicably to get past the
+giant.  It was a kind of Goliath and David business anyhow, but
+whatever chance Ward had of getting into the restaurant ended abruptly;
+a bevy of policemen who seemed to drop out of the skies simply pounced
+upon him, and if he had been guilty of some real crime he could not
+have been treated more severely.  It was my first experience of
+policemen, and unless some one had very kindly caught hold of me, my
+first impulse was to go for the men who had seized Ward.
+
+"You had better keep quiet, or you will be taken to the station as
+well," one policeman said to me, but I went on talking until some one I
+did not know touched me on the arm.
+
+"Was the man they collared a friend of yours?" he asked.
+
+"Yes, and it is a most wretched swindle," I said.
+
+"I don't think he did anything to speak of," Foster added.
+
+"I was just coming out of the door as it happened," our friend said,
+"and I have never seen a more unfair thing in my life.  If you will
+come to the police-station to-morrow to give evidence, I will come too.
+You had better go now and see if you can do anything for him."
+
+We assured him that we would turn up the next morning, and then Foster
+and I made our way to the police-station.  I cannot say that the
+Inspector, or whoever the official was who talked to us, took much
+notice of what we said, but we found a more sympathetic man outside the
+station who asked us if we wanted to bail out our friend.  The official
+had told us that Jack Ward would be quite comfortable during the night,
+but when I saw another person brought in by the police we doubted this
+statement very much, and we discussed things with our sympathetic
+friend, who was a shabby-looking man when he happened to get near the
+light, and he gave us much advice in exchange for half-a-sovereign.  I
+gave him the half-sovereign, though what prompted me to do so I cannot
+remember, but I had met so many aggressive people during that evening
+that a kind man appealed to me strongly.  He was, I heard afterwards, a
+professional bailer-out, and I do not think he could have been a very
+good one, for although Fred and I went about with him for over an hour,
+and rang up various people who treated us with unvarying rudeness, in
+the end we had to leave Jack Ward where he was.
+
+It was no easy matter to escape from my people in the morning, but we
+got to the place all right, and soon after we got there Jack Ward
+appeared, and was charged with creating a disturbance in Piccadilly.
+Policemen gave evidence, and the man who had told us that he would come
+and speak up for Ward turned out to be a barrister, and did not appear
+to be in the least afraid of the magistrate.  His evidence was very
+different to that of the police, and I thought Jack Ward, who looked as
+if he had been having a dreadful time, was bound to get off.
+
+When my turn came to kiss the book I was in a terrible state of
+nervousness, and the magistrate asked me my name twice, and where I
+lived at least three times.  I am sure he must have been deaf, for I
+spoke plainly enough, but I thought him a most disagreeable man.  After
+bothering me until I really felt quite unwell, he asked me how many
+drinks I had seen Jack Ward have, and when I answered "None," he said
+very angrily, "I shall not want to ask you any more questions."  He
+might just as well have told me that he did not believe a word I said.
+
+In the end Ward was bound over to keep the peace for a month, and the
+magistrate said what he thought of the disturbance which had been made.
+He supposed undergraduates to be a far more vicious lot than they
+really are, for at the very worst we were only extremely noisy and very
+foolish, and Jack Ward was just the victim of horribly bad luck.
+
+I was glad to get away from the police-court, and I am not searching
+for such an experience as this again, but principally we were sorry for
+Ward, who said he had never spent such a night in his life.  However he
+was very cheerful about it, and took the view that it might have
+happened to any one.
+
+After luncheon Foster and I had to start on tour with the 'Varsity XV.
+in Wales, and I was exceedingly glad that Adamson had to stay in town
+to play for the South against the North, or Fred would not have come.
+On that tour I played very badly and Fred very well, which is what some
+people would call the irony of fate.  But I must say in excuse for
+myself that more difficult people to get hold of than those Swansea,
+Newport and Cardiff three-quarters I cannot conceive, and I had no end
+of chances of trying to collar them.  How many of those chances I took
+can be guessed by any one who is curious enough to look up records and
+see the lamentable results of those three matches.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+MY MAIDEN SPEECH
+
+As soon as the 'Varsity football tour was finished, I went home and
+Fred Foster came with me.  Any exultation I might have been inclined to
+show over my blue was completely checked by the way I played on the
+tour, and I was very glad when we got away from Wales and the sarcastic
+remarks of the Welsh newspapers.  As a matter of curiosity it may be
+satisfactory to find out what famous Oxford teams of former years think
+of the one you happen to be in, but it was exceedingly disagreeable of
+the Welsh papers to suggest that we should not like to hear the
+opinions of these heroes, and one sporting reporter went out of his way
+to be nasty to me.  "When I saw Marten at back and remember the
+brilliant exponents of the game who have filled his position in
+previous Dark Blue fifteens, I really cannot refrain from smiling.  But
+it is a pity all the same."  If I could have got hold of that fellow I
+think I might have curtailed the length of his smile, but Foster gave
+me a little satisfaction by saying that if a man was ass enough to
+write about "exponents of the game," he was probably paid a penny a
+line for what he wrote, and had sacrificed me for the sake of
+threepence.
+
+We had a very good time during our first "vac."  I think that Nina
+expected me to come back from Oxford with a very fine equipment of
+airs; in fact I know that she did for she told me so, but I was in a
+humble mood and gave her no chances to squash me, and she and Fred got
+on splendidly together.  My first term had taught me that I did not
+know in the least what I wanted, which was an upsetting lesson for any
+one to learn who had always done what came next without bothering about
+the consequences.  This result had been brought about by the Warden and
+Dennison, the one had in his curious way tried to urge me on, the other
+had sickened me of men who rag from morning to night, and I felt
+bothered for several days in succession.  Then, however, I stopped
+worrying myself and regained my normal spirits, to the annoyance of my
+father who was at that time inveighing against Russia and the
+ritualistic vicar of our parish, and had a lot to say about the thin
+end of the wedge.  He told me that I must take more interest in
+politics, and he made both Fred and me promise that we would speak at
+debating societies during our first year.
+
+But when I recollected the discussions I had listened to at our college
+debating society I could not remember a single one at which I could
+have said anything to the point; how could I know whether "It is better
+to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," or what could
+I say about marriage being a failure?  There was, indeed, only one man
+at St. Cuthbert's who could possibly know anything about marriage, and
+he had a wife and three children, but from the appearance of the lady I
+do not think that he was likely to give us his honest opinion.
+
+I wrote to Jack Ward but did not get an answer, and when we got back to
+Oxford I found that he had been staying with a mining magnate whose
+name I could not pronounce.  He had been gambling every night, I forget
+how much he won in a week, but it is of no consequence as he lost all
+of it and a lot more before he had finished.  During this term he
+became a complete blood, and was constantly dining at wine clubs or
+with somebody like Bunny Langham.  He joined the Mohocks, and men who
+did not know him, and thought that our wine club made far too much
+noise and was a nuisance to the college, said that he would get sent
+down at the end of his first year for being ploughed in pass
+Moderations.  I, however, saw a good deal of him at odd times, and the
+fact that he absolutely refused to have anything more to do with
+Dennison than he could help delighted me.  When Jack had no use for any
+one he had a very expressive way of letting them know it, and Dennison
+at last was so offended that he invaded my rooms one afternoon when I
+was changing after footer and couldn't escape from him.
+
+"You don't see much of Ward now, do you?" he began, as he placed
+himself upon my bed.
+
+"I see him every day," I answered.
+
+"I can't understand why you care to do it."
+
+"Well, I do care to do it; you are sitting on my socks, do you mind
+getting up?"
+
+"You ought to hear what most of the freshers are saying about the side
+Ward is putting on, it isn't as if he had any good reason for sticking
+on side."
+
+"What do you think is a good reason for sticking on side?" I asked.
+
+"Ward can't do anything; you are a blue already, and I shall probably
+get my racquet blue, but of course that's got nothing to do with it."
+
+"Then I shouldn't say anything about it," I answered, and putting on my
+coat I went into my sitter.
+
+"Don't be a fool," he said as he followed me, "you stick so
+tremendously close to rotten old-fashioned ideas.  I am not exactly
+committing a crime in not liking a man whom you profess to like."
+
+"I have never professed to like any one in my life if I didn't like
+him," I returned, and instead of getting angry with me, he laughed and
+sat down in my biggest arm-chair.  It was not his habit to have two
+quarrels going on at the same time, and when he wished to be amiable
+you had to work hard before you removed his smile.  We had tea
+together, and I did work hard, but he refused to be offended, and told
+me that I was far too good a sort to be wrapped up in old prejudices,
+which were the laughing-stock of everybody who really thought about
+them.  Oxford, he said, was the place for a good time and not for
+airing ridiculous fads which were all right at school, where there was
+nothing else to do but pretend to like a fellow for ever because you
+had happened to like him for a few weeks.  And he also told me that
+being a blue, I ought to take my proper position in the college, and
+not to go about with men who were no use whatever.
+
+In return I told him some beautifully plain things, but when a man has
+the terrific impudence of Dennison, he makes me too angry to be
+coherent.  I let him know, however, that I intended to choose my own
+friends and that I thought a blue, if he was also a bounder, might do
+his college more harm than good.  To which he replied that if a man was
+a bounder he found it exceedingly difficult to become a blue.  When
+Dennison went away I rushed off to see Murray, and although he did not
+pretend to like Jack, he agreed with me that ten Wards in a college
+would not make it as unpleasant a place as one Dennison.  After this
+attempt to get me on his side against Jack, Dennison left me more or
+less alone, but he smiled upon me whenever he saw me, and to Webb,
+Lambert and a man called Learoyd, who were at that time his particular
+friends, I believe that he described me as a lunatic who might be of
+use in the future.
+
+I was very energetic during this term, and at the same time very quiet.
+The weather was so bad that astronomical people said that the sun had
+got spots upon it or had gone wrong somehow; at any rate we hardly ever
+saw it, and we lived in a deluge of rain.  The Torpids had to be
+postponed, nearly every footer match was scratched, and the people who
+had been talking about water-famines for the last two years held their
+peace.  Oxford seemed to be a most cheerless place, and Collier slept
+nearly the whole term.  However, I most strenuously did labour, but I
+should never have stuck to it had not Murray helped me, and the result
+was that after we had been up five weeks I found myself in high favour
+with Mr. Gilbert Edwardes.
+
+It is a dreadful thing to please your tutor if you do not happen to
+like him, because he asks you to breakfast by way of showing his
+pleasure, and at meals I could not put up with Mr. Edwardes.  I sat
+next him at one breakfast, and he never ate anything except a piece of
+dry toast, and he talked about patent foods.  I never saw a man who
+looked more as if he needed a really big meal of beef and plum-pudding;
+but he was an authority on diet, and told me that food if too
+nutritious was very bad for the brain.  He could not, I thought, have
+imagined that our brains were worth much; for I must say that though he
+did not eat himself he gave us every chance of doing so, and if we had
+been the torpid, who breakfast and dine hugely, he could not have
+provided us with more food.  Murray, who was one of many at this meal,
+seemed to be very interested in what Mr. Edwardes said about diet, and
+I told him afterwards that he was an arch-humbug; but it turned out
+that he had been bothered all his life--at least he said so--by
+indigestion, and that at Wellingham he had lived on some peculiar
+biscuit for nearly a fortnight, which recalled to my mind what Ward had
+said to me about him.
+
+I played in all the 'Varsity rugger matches which were not scratched,
+and we finished up by beating the Wellingham Nomads after a muddy and
+desperate struggle.  Murray was playing for the Nomads and Foster for
+the 'Varsity, and so many Wellingham people came round to Murray's
+rooms after the match that I had to hold a kind of overflow meeting in
+my rooms, after the manner of political gatherings.  Murray was in
+great spirits until everybody had gone, and then he said he had got a
+most frightful attack of indigestion.  So I let him talk it off.  It
+was curious that I had known him so long without ever having got him on
+the subject of health; but he told me that when he came up to Oxford he
+made up his mind to forget all about his ailments and eat anything.  I
+told him that he had better stick to that resolution, because I was
+sure that his best way was never even to think about himself, but that
+advice was not altogether unselfish.  After he had spent a solid
+half-hour in telling me what pains he suffered, he seemed so much
+better that I was compelled to add that whenever he felt most awfully
+bad he had better come and talk to me.  I did not say that from conceit
+but out of sympathy, and when he laughed I told him that if he thought
+it was amusing for me to hear about his pains and spasms he was jolly
+well mistaken.
+
+"My father has talked about his liver for the last ten years," I said,
+by way of proving that whatever information he gave me about himself
+was bound to be stale.
+
+"Then you will have one some day," Murray answered, and I imagined that
+he looked at me as if in the future we could have a royal time nursing
+our dyspepsia together.  But I was not going to be a twin dyspeptic
+with anybody.
+
+"I hope I have got one now," I returned, "but I am not going on the
+roof to shout about it.  Every one ought to keep their liver dark, and
+then the vile thing wouldn't be a nuisance to every one else."
+
+He only laughed again.  I am afraid he had read a lot of medical books
+and knew far too much about the colour of things, but I do really
+believe that I did him some good, for apart from seeing him put
+extraordinary pieces of paper on his tongue and look very concerned
+when they revealed whatever secret they have to reveal, he never talked
+intimately to me again about his complaints, and as time went on he
+laughed at himself, which was very wholesome of him.
+
+Six weeks of the term had passed before I thought of fulfilling the
+promise I made to my father, and when the time drew near for me to
+speak at our college debating society, if I meant to do so, I became
+extremely nervous.  There was only one more meeting of the society
+during that term, and the subject for debate was, "The modern novel has
+a depressing and decaying influence upon the mind of the British
+nation."  Lambert, who spoke very fluently and not at all to the point,
+was booked to speak first at this debate, and any one who knew him
+could see his magnificent style in the way the motion was drawn up.  He
+revelled in alliteration, and I should think that he preferred subjects
+which were more general than particular, for he had on one occasion
+come hopelessly to grief at a debate on French politics, and had to
+hide his confusion by saying that no one could be expected to take an
+interest in a Latin nation, which made some people think that he was
+more stupid than he really was.
+
+I resolved to support the modern novel, not because I knew much about
+it, but because I did not intend to be on the same side as Lambert, and
+I went to the Union and listened to a debate in which two men from
+Cambridge spoke and one man from London.  Speaking seemed to be easy to
+these people, but perhaps the presence of the London man--he was very
+distinguished--acted as a check to orators who were not quite sure of
+themselves.  At any rate the distinguished man made a great impression,
+he deplored the spread of taste among the lower classes, and he was
+very sad and eloquent about organized excursions which he said
+consisted chiefly of meals.  To my mind he went on deploring far too
+long, for if anybody does remember Rome by what he had for dinner
+there, and forgets everything about Venice except his tea, his
+temporary absence from England is not exactly a disaster, and the
+Italians are glad to have him.  Craddock of Balliol, who spoke before
+the man from London, was crushed for dealing with the subject in a
+frivolous manner, but I was not persuaded that a serious debate about
+English Tourists would make them any less humorous or plentiful.  That
+debate did me good in one way, for I was so angry with this man of
+distinction that I wished I could have told him what I thought, and for
+three consecutive mornings I addressed an imaginary audience while I
+was having my bath.  But if my remarks had been made at the Union I am
+afraid they would have caused a tumult, they were more suited to the
+House of Commons, where, if the worst happens, you have the consolation
+of being led out by a dignified official, and can read about your
+departure in the newspapers of the following morning.  I was so worried
+about my speech that I mentioned it to several men, and most of them
+said that they would come to the debate, which was the last thing I
+wanted them to do.  I had, however, to go through with it, so I
+consoled myself by the thought that I couldn't be duller than some of
+the people whom I had heard speaking at our debates; but when I went
+into the common room and found a larger crowd of men there than I had
+ever seen at a previous meeting, I wished that I had never come near
+the place.  Before Lambert spoke we had to go through a lot of private
+business, which consisted chiefly of attempts by the college wags to be
+funny.  Some men cultivate the special form of humour which shines at
+private business, but on this occasion all our wags were either absent
+or silent, and the President and Secretary of the debating society had
+a very peaceful evening.
+
+When Lambert got up to pulverize the modern novel a great many men, who
+had only come in for a rag, left the room, but Dennison, Webb and some
+others who knew that I intended to speak, remained, and I made up my
+mind that they should wait a very long time if they meant to hear me.
+There was not a trace of nervousness about Lambert; he shot his cuffs,
+stroked his upper lip with one finger, and was really rather a comical
+figure, though I should think that every one was not so much amused at
+the things he said as at his magnificent manner while saying them, for
+he had nothing new to say about the influence of popular fiction.  He
+referred to authors who draw their inspiration from the Bible in terms
+of lordly condescension, and then, changing his manner suddenly, he
+spoke of the rise and fall of Stratford-upon-Avon in such mournful
+tones that any one who did not know him might have imagined that he was
+on the verge of tears.
+
+No speech of his, however, was complete without a peroration, and on
+this evening he surpassed himself.  "You," he began, "who buy books
+without a thought of what you are buying, who are guided in your taste
+for fiction by the advertisements and buy a novel with as little care
+as you would buy a pair of scissors, who think, if you ever think, and
+I have already said that you do not, that because there are fifty
+thousand tasteless people in the world there is no reason why you
+should not swell that crowd, you are responsible for the decay of the
+novel.  Traditions are dying, helped to their death by prize
+competitions and personal paragraphs, and Oxford is the home of
+tradition, for Oxford was invented before Eton.  We care no longer for
+what is best but for what is most talked about, in our fiction we look
+for scandals and not for literature, and unless there is a reaction the
+man who can blush will become a curiosity, fit only for exhibition on
+the Music Hall stage or in the Zoological Gardens.  It is a serious
+matter.  The Philistines must be met and routed, we know that of old
+this was their usual fate, it seems to have been the chief reason for
+their existence.  For my part I think a day ill-spent in which I have
+not read a few pages of Fielding or Thackeray.  I have the most kindly
+feelings towards Dickens, Jane Austen and George Eliot, and when I am
+tired I write little things myself."
+
+He sat down and looked blandly in front of him; if he had been less
+pleased with himself he would not have been anything like so amusing.
+
+A senior man called Ransome got up to defend the modern novel, and the
+debate at once became serious.  In about five minutes Ransome would
+have made most men feel crushed and unhappy, but Lambert only spread
+out his legs and shut his eyes.  Ransome was not only a good speaker
+but also one of the cleverest men in the 'Varsity, and he scored time
+after time without disturbing Lambert's equanimity.  I think that
+Lambert's enormous and somnolent bulk must have annoyed Ransome, for he
+went on to make an attack which was virulently sarcastic.  In his
+speech Lambert had been foolish enough to say nothing in favour of
+modern novels, he had taken it for granted that all of them were bad,
+and Ransome fastening on this accused him of never having heard of
+George Meredith and Thomas Hardy, and he finished by appealing to us
+not to be guided in our tastes and opinions by a man whose assumptions
+were based on tremendous ignorance.
+
+After Ransome had finished Lambert woke up, which was silly of him, but
+I must admit that he looked exactly as if he had been roused from a
+deep sleep.  A number of men spoke, and most of them said something
+which I had intended to say, until there was very little of my speech
+left which could sound original.  As each man sat down, Dennison and
+Webb had the impertinence to shout "Marten," but they were always
+called to order by the President, who was in no hurry to hear my maiden
+effort.  Collier, who had not come to hear me from inclination but a
+sense of duty, dozed peacefully in a corner, a number of men recorded
+their votes and left the room, the President yawned prodigiously, and
+the Secretary looked as if he had got a headache.  If I intended to
+speak before Lambert replied to all the criticisms passed upon him, my
+time had come.  I got up as quietly as I could, but I was greeted with
+so much applause that I felt quite embarrassed.  Jack Ward had come in
+from dining somewhere, and when he saw Dennison and Webb clapping
+because they expected to be amused, he resolved to make more row than
+they did.  I could not complain of my reception, but why I received it
+is not worth discussing.  However the mere sight of Dennison made me
+determined not to make a fool of myself and I got rid of my first
+sentence without a hitch, and then I was all right for some time
+because the walls of my bedder had heard my speech very often and I
+knew it well.  Jack Ward kept on applauding violently, he meant well
+but he did it in the most awkward places, and he made me forget one
+thing which Foster had provided.  Dennison laughed a little, but he had
+to wait before he got an opportunity of trying to make me appear
+especially ridiculous.
+
+"We read too much and think too little," I said, and this was the
+opening of a sentence which had caused me a lot of trouble until Murray
+helped me to put it right, but Dennison saw his chance and interrupted
+me by saying, "We talk too much and think too little, is what you
+mean," which was an exasperating remark when I had very nearly finished
+without any bother.  So I turned round and told him that I could say
+what I liked without asking him.  The President shouted "Order," but he
+looked too sleepy to care much what happened.
+
+"At any rate I suppose you cribbed it from last week's _Spectator_, and
+I know it was 'Talk too much,' because I saw it."
+
+"If Mr. Marten thinks he can improve upon anything taken from the
+_Spectator_ he is at perfect liberty to do so," the President said very
+sarcastically, and I felt badly scored off.
+
+"It's all very well," I said to him, "but these interruptions have made
+me forget where I have got to."
+
+"About the bottom of your second cuff, I should think," Dennison called
+out, and I could not stand that libel, so I addressed the rest of my
+speech to him.  It was, at any rate, fluent, and although the President
+tried to stop me I had a merry if short innings before I finished.
+Dennison was too much for me, he never lost his temper while I was so
+angry that I forget exactly what happened, but when I met the President
+in the quad on the following morning and apologized to him, he was kind
+enough to say that he hoped I should speak again during the next term,
+although as he would be reading hard he was afraid that he would not
+have the pleasure of hearing me.  He was a curious man, and I could not
+help wondering whether he would have wished me to speak if he had not
+been too busy to listen, but I did not care to risk asking him that
+question.
+
+The Lent Term at Oxford is rather a dull one for men who do not row,
+run, or play soccer.  In my time golfers were thought dull whether they
+played golf or only talked about it.  I did run in our college sports
+because Collier said I wouldn't, and Collier ran because I said he
+couldn't, the result was that we competed in a half-mile handicap in
+which he received the munificent start of eighty-five yards, while I
+had to worry through the whole distance with the exception of twenty
+yards.  Collier bet me five shillings that he would defeat me in that
+race, and I thought I had found an easy way of making a little money,
+but a half-mile is a long distance for two men without much wind, and
+when I caught Collier up about two hundred yards from the finish we
+agreed to cancel our bet and walk to the pavilion.  Collier could not
+speak without gasping for a quarter of an hour, and then he expressed
+the determination of retiring permanently from the running path.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON
+
+The summer term at Oxford would be even more pleasant than it is if it
+did not start in April and finish when the summer is just beginning.  I
+do not wish to say anything about weather, but without taking an
+interest in the abnormal quantities of rain or wanting to know why the
+sun shines so seldom, I do think that if the success of a term depends
+largely upon an English May, it is apt to be very limited.  I have been
+told so often by quite truthful men that there are other people besides
+undergraduates to be considered in Oxford, that I have never felt so
+convinced about anything, except that Queen Anne is dead; but all the
+same it seems to me that the undergraduate is not given a chance of
+being comfortably warm for any length of time.  And if the authorities
+who fix the terms, or if they like it better, the academical year,
+would understand that an undergraduate is a far nicer man when he is
+comfortable, they might be inclined to cease from compelling him to
+play cricket when it is impossible to think of anything but the biting
+wind.
+
+For my own part I am certain that I have never wanted to break rules or
+windows when the sun shines, but some men, when they become depressed
+by the weather, turn their thoughts to throwing things about, and there
+are so many windows in a quad that wherever you throw you seem to hit
+one of them.  The only window I smashed was not entirely my fault, for
+Ward ducked his head just as a tennis-ball was going to hit it; the
+Subby, however, who was trying to instil logic into a lot of pass
+"mods" men, was annoyed by broken glass falling into his lecture-room.
+This was a bad beginning to the summer term, but had it not rained for
+nearly two days I should have been playing cricket that morning, and if
+Ward's head had happened to be in front of the Subby's lecture-room I
+should not have been there to throw at it.  I tried to explain this to
+the Subby, but there is a certain kind of reasoning which does not make
+much impression on either dons or schoolmasters.  I asked him if he
+thought any man who was booked to play cricket all day could sit down
+at once and work when he heard that his match was scratched, and he
+answered, "Undoubtedly."  The Subby was a nice enough man in some ways,
+but in others he was simply hopeless.  He was not so absolutely
+unapproachable as Mr. Edwardes, for although you had got to imagine for
+all you were worth you could think of him as an "undergrad," but when
+Murray and I tried to persuade ourselves that Mr. Edwardes had once
+been only twenty years old we wasted our time, and Murray told me that
+I was always trying to do impossible things.
+
+Oxford, however, is a good place when you are only playing at summer,
+and it is really splendid if you are lucky enough to have a fine May
+and early June.  I went back there full of enthusiasm, I meant to do a
+hundred things, but I am afraid my programme was a little too full; to
+carry it out successfully I required the co-operation of the Subby and
+Mr. Edwardes, and no one but an enthusiast, or a fool, would have
+thought he was likely to get it.  My experiences with Mr. Edwardes
+during my second term had been placidly uneventful, but they had been
+gained by very great effort on my part, and they did not seem to have
+been worth the effort, since my tutor was almost as great an iceberg at
+the end of the term as he had been at the beginning.  He could not
+thaw, but I never found out that until I had spent many unsuccessful
+interviews with him.  I thought after going through one term without
+offending him that I was what golfers, I believe, would call "one up,"
+and I felt that it would be an easy matter to increase my score, but I
+made a great mistake.  Mr. Edwardes did not realize in the least that
+cricket is a very important and tiring game.  I told him frankly that I
+wanted to enjoy myself during my first summer term, and that if my work
+was neglected a little I hoped he would understand the reason.  He
+failed to understand it, and instead of being pleased with my candour,
+he took up a sort of pouncing attitude.  He was fairly on the look-out,
+and when a don gets into that state it is not likely he is going to
+watch for nothing.
+
+In the freshers' match Foster and I were on opposite sides, which
+seemed to me a very poor kind of arrangement even before we began, and
+what I thought of it after the match was over is not worth saying.  The
+weather on the first day of the game was never intended for cricket,
+and I have very rarely seen a nose glow quite so gorgeously as the
+umpire who no-balled me twice in my first over.  I actually began the
+bowling, though I think the reason for this honour must have been that
+Cross of Magdalen, who was secretary to the 'Varsity XI. and captained
+our side, knew my name.  Foster and Henderson began the batting, and my
+first ball which was supposed to be directed at Foster's wicket was a
+most abominable wide, the second and third he hit to the boundary, the
+fourth was a no-ball, and I really forget what happened after that, but
+I know that it was the sort of over which seemed as if it would never
+end.  I had not been no-balled before, and this unexpected misfortune
+made my bowling quite comically bad.  Cross kept me on for seven overs,
+because as I heard him say afterwards he thought the beginning was too
+bad to be true.  Foster made 128 and Henderson 93, I got one wicket for
+78 runs, but the man I got out was not supposed to be a batsman, and he
+confided to me as we went back to the pavilion that his highest score
+for his school during the last season had been 5.  This information on
+the top of my inglorious performance was really rather trying; he
+might, I thought, have kept it to himself, but he had made 11 and was
+unduly elated.  Their side made 358, and our two innings only totalled
+301; I went in last, with the exception of Cross, and made such
+furiously ineffective efforts to hit some leg-breaks, that Rushden of
+New College, who was a most serious cricketer and captain of the
+'Varsity XI., was compelled to laugh.  But I did land one ball into the
+shrubbery, which was the only moment during the match when I felt that
+cricket in a cold wind was worth playing.  After it was all over,
+however, I was delighted that Fred had started so well, and it did not
+surprise me at all when I saw that my name was not down to play for the
+Sixteen Freshmen against the 'Varsity XI.; in fact I should have been
+very surprised if Rushden had not made up his mind about me.  Both Fred
+and Henderson did well in this second trial match and were chosen to
+play for the Varsity against the M.C.C., while I went back to college
+cricket and lived upon what reputation I had brought from Cliborough
+for quite three weeks.  I could not get any wickets however much I
+tried until we played Pembroke, who were not exactly a strong batting
+side, and to make things easier for me they had their three best men
+away.  After this match I got my college colours, but I am afraid that
+it is doubtful if I deserved them.
+
+Jack Ward played for the College XI., but his best scores were made for
+the St. Cuthbert's Busters, who played villages round Oxford, and were
+not very depressed if they were beaten.  Collier, Lambert and Dennison
+also played for the Busters, and a kind of truce had been patched up
+between Jack and Dennison, because Jack said that it was too much
+trouble to keep up a quarrel with any one whom he was always meeting,
+and Dennison was at that time so occupied with other schemes that he
+treated Jack as if he was his dearest friend.
+
+Some senior men in the college were getting very dissatisfied with the
+state of it, for they said that it was all right to have an occasional
+rag if we had anything to rag about; but as we did not seem able to
+row, play footer or cricket, we had better keep quiet.  They did
+nothing except talk, and Dennison played up to them with all his might;
+he had got his half-blue for racquets, and they, not knowing him as
+well as Jack, Collier and I did, thought that he was really keen on the
+college.  But, as a matter of fact, he howled with laughter when our
+torpid went down six places, and said that if men were fools enough to
+row they deserved to be laughed at, whatever happened to them.
+
+No one wants to belong to a college which can do nothing but howl at
+night, since the greatest slackers in the 'Varsity howl the loudest.
+Dennison worked hard for popularity among senior men, but he cared
+nothing for the college, and several of the freshers knew that if he
+got a set round him who intended to manage the place, St. Cuthbert's
+was doomed as far as athletics were concerned.  He was made for some
+college which is in the habit of having only one blue every ten years
+or so, and may possibly treat him as if he is a very fine specimen when
+they have got him.
+
+We could not help doing well in the schools, because we always had
+scholars who took Firsts with beautiful regularity; but no one thought
+very much about it, since it was a thing to which every one in the
+'Varsity was accustomed.
+
+Even Fred Foster told me that it was a pity St. Cuthbert's was going
+downhill so fast; but apart from being angry there was nothing for me
+to do, except wait.  Our dons, taken in the mass, wanted us to work and
+be quiet; they did not care what happened to our eight or our eleven,
+and when a man got his blue he was generally told that he must not
+allow it to interfere with his reading.  Unless dons meet
+undergraduates half-way a college is bound, sooner or later, to suffer;
+but a little humanity can do wondrous things.  During my first year the
+Warden was the only don who was kind to me, and though I liked him so
+much that I forgave him for not appreciating the difference between
+bumping and being bumped, I must confess that his kindness was of a
+peculiar kind.  St. Cuthbert's, in the opinion of the 'Varsity, had
+begun to go down rapidly, and we got very little sympathy from anybody
+outside the college.  The outlook was gloomy enough, for I was bound to
+have rows with Mr. Edwardes as long as I had anything to do with him,
+and if I could have been of any use in trying to improve things, I knew
+that unless some new dons came I should have to spend most of my time
+in looking after myself.  I wished that Fred had come to St.
+Cuthbert's, for Murray was too quiet to do anything, Collier was too
+sleepy, and Jack Ward seemed to be as happy-go-lucky as I was.
+
+It looked as if Dennison was bound to win in the long run, for he was a
+thousand times cleverer at getting what he wanted than any of us, and
+he had the great advantage of knowing what he did want.  His aim, I
+knew, was to be the leader of a set who gambled and yelled and played
+games which he thought were fit for bloods to play.  Slackness during
+the day and liveliness at night were briefly his programme, and though
+it is all very well to be lively at night, it seemed to some of us that
+if we were to sink to the bottom of the river and care nothing for the
+reputation of the college, we were in for a very bad time.  By nature
+both Jack Ward and I were cheerful, and if it had not been for hating
+Dennison I don't think that I should have wanted to check my
+cheerfulness.  As it was, I had a vague sort of feeling that what
+Dennison liked must be wrong.
+
+I saw Dennison as seldom as I could, but Jack Ward came to me one
+morning when there was no college match, and when I had nothing to do
+which could not conveniently be put off, to ask me to play for the
+Busters.  Somebody had scratched at the last moment, and even if I had
+not wanted to play I should have found a difficulty in resisting Jack.
+
+We drove seven miles to a village called Burlington, and had great
+difficulty in finding the wicket when we arrived, but our driver had
+been there before, and insisted on us getting out by a field which
+looked as if it might produce a bountiful crop of hay.  Lambert--who
+had talked a lot about being asked to play for his county--pretended to
+be very disgusted, and strode about as if he owned the whole place; we
+had to be very rude to him, so that we might prevent him from hurting
+the feelings of the Burlington men.
+
+In the middle of the field a small space had been mown, and the pitch
+itself, apart from a few holes, was not at all bad, but Bagshaw, who
+was captaining the Busters, decided at once that he should keep wicket
+because he did not want to stand up to his knees in grass.  The captain
+of the Burtington team was the local publican, a hearty man who told us
+in the same breath that he was very glad to see us, and that he had
+played cricket for thirty years, boy and man.  His name was Plumb, and
+I liked him very much; he played in both braces and a belt, because he
+told us belts were ticklish things and braces sometimes burst.  I
+answered that it was always well to be on the safe side, and we had
+quite a confidential talk, until Lambert and Dennison came up and
+interrupted us.  Lambert began to complain about the long grass, and I
+was afraid Mr. Plumb might be offended, but I expect he had seen a good
+many people like Lambert, and he only smiled compassionately at him.
+
+"You see it's like this," he said, "this damp, not to call it a wet
+spring, has made this yer grass grow, and what I say is that weather
+that is good for farmers up to June is bad for us cricketers.  But,
+bless me, there's nothing to complain of here--I've played cricket in
+some funny places if you like, and many a dap on the side of the head
+I've had in my time."
+
+"This man," Dennison remarked, pointing at me, "is a very fast bowler."
+
+Mr. Plumb shut one eye and looked at me with interest.  "Then," he
+said, "I think you had better bowl up the hill; I have seen them kick a
+bit at the other end, nothing to speak of, but Bill Higgs got his nose
+cut open come next Saturday three weeks; he's a fast bowler if you
+like, I've seen Spofforth and I've seen Mold, but for pace give me Bill
+Higgs."
+
+"Is he playing to-day?" Lambert asked as unconcernedly as he could.
+
+"Oh yes, he's playing, he's the terror of the neighbourhood.  There he
+is, the tall man, he's our policeman when he's not playing cricket.  My
+eye, his arms are like tree-trunks," and Mr. Plumb left us and walked
+over to talk to Bill Higgs, but I am not at all sure that he did not
+wink at me before he went.
+
+"You didn't score much there," I said to Dennison.
+
+"Cricket isn't good enough in these outlandish holes," he answered, and
+seized Collier to tell him about Bill Higgs.  Lambert went off hastily
+to get a drink, and was not seen again until Bagshaw had won the toss
+and decided to go in.
+
+We began our innings with Lambert and Collier, and Bagshaw could not
+have chosen a funnier pair.  There was some difficulty in getting them
+ready, for Collier had left his pads behind, and we had a desperate job
+to find any which were large enough to fit him, while Lambert was so
+engaged in persuading us that Higgs on a bumping wicket was nothing to
+a man who had been asked to play for his county that at one time he had
+lost both his bat and his gloves.  Before they started Collier insisted
+on tossing to see who should have first ball, and when he won Lambert
+said it was of no consequence as he had always meant to have the first
+ball.  The Burtington XI. waited patiently, and threw catches to each
+other with extraordinary violence, but although Mr. Plumb had announced
+that Higgs would begin the bowling, the terror of the neighbourhood had
+not allowed us to see how fast he bowled.  There was an air of mystery
+about Higgs, which the nine of us who were not at the wickets found
+very entertaining, though Dennison, who was in next, looked anxious.
+
+When our batsmen had got to the wickets it seemed as if the game would
+never begin, for Lambert took guard three times and looked round the
+ground so often to see where the fielders were placed that two or three
+of the Burtington men from sheer weariness began to turn somersaults.
+Higgs stood with the ball in his hand and talked to Collier, he knew
+that he was a great man and was quite unmoved by Lambert's little
+tricks.  At last there was no excuse for waiting any longer, and the
+umpire, after Lambert had refused to have a trial ball, which I suppose
+he thought would have been an undignified thing for him to do, called
+"Play."  The mystery was solved immediately, Higgs bowled very fast
+underhand, the kind of ball which is correctly termed a "sneak," but
+unfortunately for Lambert the first one was straight and his bat was
+still in the air when his middle stump was knocked to the ground.  The
+Burtington XI. seemed to me to take this beginning as a
+matter-of-course, and started throwing catches to each other without
+even troubling to applaud Higgs.  Lambert walked very slowly from the
+wickets, and when he got back to us he was smiling in his most
+magnificently contemptuous manner.
+
+"I thought you asked me to play cricket," he said to Bagshaw.  "I keep
+a special bat for that sort of bowling, and I did not want to smash
+this one."
+
+He sat down on the grass, but we were all so suffocated by laughter
+that none of us could condole with him, and if any one had ventured to
+say "Bad luck," I am sure Lambert would have treated him with scorn.
+
+Dennison had two balls which did not bowl him, but Higgs made no
+mistake with the next one, and the Burlington men played catch once
+more.  In the end we managed to make 33, though hardly any of the runs
+were made off Higgs, and twelve of them came from two balls which were
+lost quite close to the wickets.  Nine of the Burtington men made 18
+runs, for Collier bowled very straight until he got hopelessly out of
+breath, and then Bagshaw, who laughed all the time Collier was bowling,
+would not take him off, though the wretched man was panting like a
+grampus.  "This last fellow is sure to be a 'sitter,'" Bagshaw said,
+"here is Collier's chance to bowl right through an innings, I don't
+suppose he has ever done it before."
+
+But Collier, who was searching after breath and not troubling about
+records, was indignant with Bagshaw, and when Lambert, who said that
+the sun was in his eyes, missed two catches off consecutive balls,
+Collier said something to him at the end of the over which disturbed
+the harmony of our XI. for several minutes.  Unfortunately the last
+Burtington batsman was more of a wag than a "sitter," he was the funny
+man of the team, and was so delighted with his own wit that Bagshaw
+said it would be a shame not to let him enjoy himself.
+
+"Every village team has its funny man," he said, "and we are jolly
+lucky to get him in last."  I am sure Bagshaw was what is called a good
+sportsman, but he was too kind to be a good captain.  I thought Sam
+Jenks was a harmless idiot when he came in with only one pad, and that
+on the wrong leg, but by the time he had fooled us out of eight or nine
+runs I was simply sick to death of him.  Lambert stated in a loud voice
+that it was not cricket, and Collier, who was most completely
+disorganized both in body and temper, retorted that if it had been
+cricket Lambert would not have been playing; while Sam, who in some
+ways was not such an ass as he tried to make out, played the next ball
+slowly to Lambert at short leg, and ran down the pitch exhorting him to
+throw it at Collier's head as soon as he got hold of it.  Possibly this
+advice, combined with a natural inability to stoop quickly, made
+Lambert even slower than usual in picking up the ball, but when he did
+pick it up he threw it violently at the wicket to which Sam was
+running.  There was some doubt whether he threw at Sam or at the
+wickets, but he missed whatever he intended to hit and the ball went
+yards away into the long grass, where it remained until four runs had
+been made and Burtington had won the match.
+
+Immediately afterwards Sam fell over his wickets in trying to make a
+stylish stroke with one leg poised in the air, and an excursion of
+Burtingtonians, headed by Mr. Plumb, sallied forth and carried him
+shoulder-high to the tent, where he was given much refreshment.
+
+One or two men on our side tried to persuade Bagshaw that there was
+plenty of time left to make as many runs as we wanted and to get the
+Burtington men out again, but when Mr. Plumb was told what we were
+talking about he came out of the tent and joined us.  He was inclined
+to be elated, and seizing Bagshaw by the arm said he should like to
+have a word with him.  They walked away from the rest of us, and, as a
+friend of Mr. Plumb's, I went with them.
+
+"Cricket is cricket, that's what I say, sir," Mr. Plumb began, and
+Bagshaw, whose manners were perfectly splendid, assented without a
+smile.
+
+"But in this yer little village there are what the parson calls local
+considerations, which I as captain of this team have got to consider."
+
+Bagshaw inquired quite patiently what these considerations were.
+
+"Well, it's like this, I keep The Reindeer, and the parson he's a
+teetotaller, not one of those stumping men who think because they drink
+nothing nobody else ought to, but what I should call broad-minded for a
+man who drinks nothing but water.  Now what the parson says to me is
+this: 'You give these young gentlemen luncheon for which they pays
+half-a-crown ahead, and it's worth it, and my missis drives up in the
+pony-cart at five and gives everybody tea.'  It's like a bargain, you
+understand."
+
+Bagshaw understood most thoroughly and tried to stop the flow of Mr.
+Plumb's conversation, but that excellent captain talked on for another
+five minutes, until two of our men who knew Bagshaw better than I did,
+took upon themselves to walk to the wickets.  Then Mr. Plumb began to
+collect his men, which seemed to be a difficult matter, and it was
+half-past four before we began again.  At five o'clock tea was ready
+and the game was interrupted for so long that we gave up all thoughts
+of winning it, but I heard afterwards from the parson himself that as a
+general rule only the batting side had tea and the other XI. had to
+take their chance of getting some.  I believe we should have won that
+match if Mr. Plumb had captained our side, but the Busters were
+generally beaten, which possibly accounted for the fact that most of
+the villages round Oxford said they were a splendid eleven.  No team
+which contained Lambert could help being splendid, but as regards
+cricket we were the most futile side it is possible to imagine, and
+Bagshaw, who was a really good sort, was also exactly the right man to
+captain it.
+
+In our second innings Lambert made nine runs, which was not a great
+score for a man who said he had been asked to play for his county, but
+was unfortunately enough to make him very pleased with himself, and
+when he got into that state of mind he was a dangerous man, for he
+always wanted to do something which was better left undone.  On this
+occasion he persuaded Jack Ward that a little dinner at The Reindeer
+would be the most sporting way of finishing the evening, and I have
+never seen any one support a suggestion more heartily than Mr. Plumb
+did this one of Lambert's.  He had a couple of beautiful ducklings
+waiting to be cooked, some lamb which would be wasted upon any one but
+real gentlemen, and some port which would make our hair curl.  Collier
+listened to this and thought it too good to miss, so he backed up
+Lambert, and Ward, who did not seem enthusiastic over the hair-curling
+port, said he would stay if I would.  There were good reasons why I
+should not stay and I mentioned them one by one, but although in the
+lump they ought to have been enough to stop me, when mentioned singly
+they did not seem to be very important.  Ward, however, saw that I did
+not want to stay, and he was on the point of chucking up the whole
+thing when Dennison said to Mr. Plumb, "You see, some of us are
+frightened to death of the dons; it is a fairly rotten state to be in,
+because we daren't call our lives our own."
+
+That remark was directed at me, and if I had been sensible I should
+have taken no notice of it, but unluckily I am one of those wretched
+people who hate to hear that I am frightened of anybody or anything,
+and for Dennison to tell Mr. Plumb such silly nonsense made me furious.
+Of course I said that I would stay, and I saw Dennison wink at Lambert;
+the brute was for ever scoring off me, he had a most unrighteous way of
+getting what he wanted.
+
+For some reason or other Bagshaw was always very decent to me, and when
+he heard that Ward, Dennison, Collier, Lambert and I were going to
+finish the evening at The Reindeer he asked me to come home in the
+brake, but that gibe of Dennison's was heavy upon me and I had
+determined to stick to my promise and do whatever came my way.  I did
+not expect that the evening was going to be anything but a rowdy one,
+for when Lambert did undertake a thing he went at it most zealously.
+First of all he got Ward to wire and ask Bunny Langham to drive over
+about ten o'clock and fetch us all back, and then he asked four or five
+of the most comical people in the Burtington team to come to The
+Reindeer after dinner and help at a smoking concert.  All of the
+Burtington team came and a number of their friends, in fact I should
+think that nearly all the labourers in the village were entertained by
+us during the evening.  Mr. Plumb began by being very pleased, and the
+evening ended in what local newspapers call "harmony," which is the
+most polite way of saying that any one sang who liked and that the
+discord was something terrible.  I sang a solo, the first and last time
+I have ever done such a thing, but I was rapturously applauded by an
+audience who were more kind and thirsty than critical.  My song was
+"Tom Bowling," at least Ward said it was more like "Tom Bowling" than
+anything else.
+
+At half-past ten Bunny Langham had not come, and by some means or other
+it was necessary that we should reach Oxford before twelve o'clock.
+Dennison suggested that we should have a "go-as-you-please" contest
+back to St. Cuthbert's, but Collier was not disposed to enter for a
+race in which he was bound to be last, and told us that if we were
+fools enough to go seven miles in an hour and a half, he would trouble
+us to rout up some don when we got back to college and say that he had
+been taken seriously unwell in Burlington, but hoped to be better in
+the morning.  A man, who called himself a veterinary surgeon, but was
+described by Mr. Plumb as a cow-doctor, said he would give Collier a
+certificate of ill-health; I do not remember from what disease he was
+supposed to be suffering.  The idea, however, of rushing seven miles as
+hard as we could was crushed by Lambert, who was in a kind of "coach
+and four" mood and very abusive.  He secured Mr. Plumb and having
+pushed him into a corner stated that he required a pair of horses and a
+wagonette, but Mr. Plumb was not in a condition to be addressed in
+terms of authority.  His sense of importance had been increasing as the
+evening went on, and from being a most innocently amusing man he had
+become an obstinate and bibulous publican.  He would have nothing to
+say to Lambert and declared that getting to Oxford was our business and
+that we ought to have thought about it before.  The best thing to do
+with such a man was to leave him to the remorse of the following
+morning, but Lambert had an insane desire to talk and, I must admit, a
+forcible way of talking.  There seemed to be a reasonable chance of a
+row, for Mr. Plumb wasn't without supporters who were as tired of us as
+we were of them, but Jack Ward managed to get hold of the cow-doctor
+and persuaded him to find some vehicle to help us on our way.  As soon
+as Mr. Plumb heard of this he declared that the cow-doctor was taking
+the bread out of his mouth, but Ward told him if that was the case he
+ought to have another drink, and after having it he became comatose and
+unobstructive.
+
+Finally we started from The Reindeer at eleven o'clock in a light
+farm-cart, Ward and Dennison sitting on the seat with the driver, while
+Collier, Lambert and I sat on the floor of the conveyance.  Lambert,
+when not singing Bacchanalian songs, complained of the indignity and
+discomfort of this performance, but I, having taken the precaution of
+propping myself against Collier, who was accustomed to being used as a
+cushion and very kind about it, was more sleepy than uncomfortable.
+Besides, men who begin to think of being dignified towards midnight are
+a nuisance, so I told Lambert he was a speechless idiot, which
+statement I found to be positively untrue.
+
+We had reached the outskirts of Oxford, and even Lambert had passed
+from the state of song and abuse to that of sleep, when the cart was
+drawn up with such a jerk that my head collided with Collier's, and I
+heard Ward say--
+
+"Why, Bunny, what the blazes are you doing here at this time of night?"
+and Bunny answered with no unnecessary length, "Walking."
+
+"But why?" Ward said.
+
+"Exercise.  Any room for another pig in the bottom of that cart?"
+
+"Jump up, quick," Ward answered, "it is a quarter to twelve, and jolly
+lucky there is a moon or I should have missed you."
+
+Bunny said that he was not going to hurry for any one, and wasted two
+or three valuable minutes before we got him safely into the cart.  He
+was in an exceedingly bad temper, and it was only by dint of
+innumerable questions that we found that he had actually started to
+drive to Burtington and that something disastrous had happened on the
+journey.  The exact nature of that disaster none of us ever discovered,
+but what Bunny wished us to believe was that he went to sleep and was
+driven into by a furniture van, and since he had been kind enough to
+start to Burtington we should have been a complete set of bounders if
+we had not suppressed Dennison when he said that no one was likely to
+believe such a tale as that.  Anybody with a grain of decency could see
+that Bunny had been having a very bad time, and though we all thanked
+him tremendously when we got out at St. Cuthbert's, and told the driver
+to take him on to Christchurch as fast as he could, he just sat in the
+bottom of the cart and said nothing.
+
+"I am afraid Bunny's ill," Ward said to me as soon as we got into
+college, and we blamed ourselves for not seeing him to "The House,"
+though had we done so we could not have got back to St. Cuthbert's
+until a quarter-past twelve.
+
+On the following morning Ward went round to see Bunny and found him
+drinking beer with his breakfast, which was a thing he never dared to
+do unless he felt aggressively well.  Ward lunched with me and said
+that Bunny was all right except that his feelings were in a state of
+disorder.
+
+"There is only one thing he is conceited about and that is his
+driving," Ward explained, "and last night he was driving a cob which a
+baby in arms could steer.  Well, Bunny got upset, and is so ashamed of
+himself that he is angry with everybody else.  He will be all right by
+dinner-time if he is left alone."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY
+
+The day following the Burtington match was a very peaceful one, but the
+evening brought with it a disturbance which was altogether unexpected.
+I was engaged at nine o'clock to read an essay to Mr. Edwardes, and I
+had been so energetic that I had written it two days before, which made
+me feel virtuous.  The subject of the essay was "Impressions of Roman
+Society as gathered from Cicero's Letters," and I had taken more than
+ordinary trouble over it, for it was the sort of question which I could
+not answer without definite knowledge.
+
+I went to Murray's rooms after dinner, and I remember telling him that
+I believed I had written something which would persuade my tutor that I
+had at least made an attempt to satisfy him.  And Murray, who was
+always trying to keep me out of rows and giving me help when I was in
+them, read a little of it, and said that it was ever so much longer
+than the one he had written.  As length meant work, I was very
+satisfied with this remark of his, and I went off to Mr. Edwardes with
+a feeling that he might be mildly pleased.
+
+He greeted me coldly and sat down by the side of the table, with his
+back almost turned to me; we did not even exchange our opinions about
+the weather, and he was evidently as anxious for me to begin as I was
+to finish.  My opening sentence was stamped by my own style.  If I say
+that no one else would have written it, I only wish to record that no
+one else would have thought it worth while; I will not quote it,
+because when I tried to read this essay a year after I had written it,
+I was struck by the fact that it was altogether too florid for
+every-day use.  Mr. Edwardes objected strongly to phrases which seemed
+to me beautifully rounded, and I gave them up slowly as one of my most
+cherished possessions.  I could not share his feelings about them at
+that time, whatever I may think of them now, and they formed a part of
+a scheme to make my essays less dull, and what I was fain to think even
+a little amusing.  But apart from my opening sentence I had in this
+essay deprived myself of the pleasure of ornate phrasing and been as
+solid as possible.  I had, however, taken great pains over my first
+words.  I wished them to convey to Mr. Edwardes that I could still
+annoy him if I liked, and afterwards I intended to show him that though
+this power remained to me I was too kind to use it.  These were not
+perhaps the reasons why I was compelled to write essays, and I doubt
+whether he would ever have discovered my scheme even if I had read him
+what I had written.  And I never did read it, for after I had finished
+the first sentence and deprived it of much of its effect by getting the
+stops mixed up, which made me want to read it over again, he turned
+round in his chair so quickly that he bumped his arm against the table,
+and if he had not been a don I should have asked him if he had hurt
+himself.  But as my efforts to please dons by inquiring after their
+health had not been successful, I went on reading until Mr. Edwardes
+stood up, and feeling then that something had gone hopelessly wrong, I
+stopped to look at him.
+
+I could see that he was exceedingly angry, but why in the world he had
+become so suddenly afflicted I had not an idea.
+
+"I do not require to hear any more of that.  You may go," he said, and
+he actually pointed to the door.  "But--" I began----
+
+"You may go," he repeated, and since he looked as if he would continue
+pointing towards the door until I obeyed him, I collected the pages on
+which I had spent so much labour and walked slowly out of the room.  I
+was too surprised to say anything more, and I did not even feel like
+banging the door.  The only thought which occurred to me was that there
+must have been something very improper in that cherished sentence, but
+if my tutor imagined that I took any pleasure in indecencies, or would
+write them consciously, I felt that he was a very silly man.  I stopped
+on the stairs and began reading my essay again; there was simply
+nothing in the beginning of it which could offend the most inquisitive
+and conscientious Mrs. Grundy.  It might have bored any one, but the
+person who could have blushed at it had not yet been born.
+
+I was most completely puzzled, and when I went back to my rooms and
+laid my rejected essay upon the table, I felt as if the only literature
+I wished to see again was the Commination Service.  It had often been
+my fate to displease masters and dons, but it was a new experience for
+me to be turned out of a room without knowing in the least why I was
+expected to go.  I came to the unsatisfying conclusion that Edwardes
+had gone mad, and I determined to see Murray so that I might tell him
+what had happened; but before I had finished writing a note which had
+to be written, both Murray and Foster came into my rooms.
+
+"Foster has got something to tell you," Murray said.
+
+"Not half as much as I have got to tell you," I answered.
+
+"I will bet you a shilling you think it more important, and you can
+decide yourself," Murray replied.
+
+I crammed my note into an envelope and looked at Fred, who was gazing,
+rather stupidly I thought, at a photo of Nina which she had sent me a
+few days before.
+
+"How many did you make against Surrey this afternoon?" I asked him.
+
+Murray began to laugh, which suggested to me that I was asking an
+awkward question.  "Was it another blob?" I inquired.
+
+"I made a hundred and two," Foster said, and looked quickly at me and
+then again at that wretched photo.  I expect he was very anxious not to
+seem too pleased with himself, but there was no reason why I should not
+be as pleased as I liked, and for a minute I forgot all about Mr.
+Edwardes.  I told Fred that he was simply a certainty for his blue, and
+Murray again seemed to be amused.
+
+"I have got it," Fred said quietly, and he stepped away from me,
+fearing that my delight might be painful to him.
+
+There is an extraordinarily small choice of things to do when you are
+very delighted; just talking seemed to be hopelessly futile, and even
+shouting was not satisfactory.  But I had to do something, so I opened
+a bottle of port, which I knew both Fred and Murray disliked, and made
+them drink some of it.  After Murray had tasted his and congratulated
+Fred again, he put his glass down by the large bowl which I had bought
+on my first expedition to the shops of Oxford, and presently fears of
+dyspepsia gripped him so furiously that he emptied the wine into the
+bowl, when he thought I was not looking.  It was '63 port given me by
+my father, and if he had seen Murray getting rid of it in this way I am
+sure that there would have been trouble; but I, not being oppressed by
+a knowledge of vintages, just filled Murray's glass up again and kept
+an eye on him to see what he would do with it.  I might, however, have
+spared myself the trouble, for he had no intention of pretending to
+drink two glasses, though he told me afterwards that some curious
+impulse had compelled him to get rid of one, and he had decided that it
+would be safer in the bowl than elsewhere.  In fact, he wished me to
+believe that he had done this as a compliment to Foster, but I could
+not follow his line of reasoning.
+
+I sat and talked for a long time about the rottenness of the Cambridge
+bowling--which, by the way, I had never seen--and the runs Fred was
+sure to make in the 'Varsity match, until he tried very hard to stop me
+saying anything more about cricket, and Murray set me going on another
+subject when he remarked that it had not taken me long to read my essay.
+
+"Edwardes has gone completely cracked," I stated.  Fred had often heard
+me express a similar opinion about masters at Cliborough, and was not
+inclined to think seriously of Edwardes' condition, but Murray had
+curiosity enough to ask me what had happened.  "You saw the beginning
+of my essay," I said to him, "and there was nothing in it which could
+offend a baby in arms, was there?"
+
+Murray said that as far as he knew I had been most modest, and he
+added, quite unnecessarily, that the only criticism he had to make upon
+it was that I had been asked to give Cicero's impression of Roman
+society, and had preferred my own.  I was not going to set myself up
+against Cicero even to please Murray, so I took no notice of his
+remark, and went on with my grievance very slowly, for a grievance does
+not get proper treatment if you spring it upon people; they just say
+"What a confounded swindle," and go on talking about their own affairs.
+I had been badly treated, and I intended to make the most of it, so I
+did not mind being a bore if I could extract a little surprise and
+sympathy from Fred and Murray.
+
+"I took a lot of trouble over this essay, I changed my style----"
+
+"The first sentence was fairly magnificent; it reminded me of Lambert
+walking across the quad," Murray interrupted me by saying.
+
+"I wrote that sentence on purpose so that Edwardes might enjoy the
+contrast afterwards."
+
+"There aren't many men who would have thought of that," Fred said, and,
+as he was trying to rot me, I agreed with him quite seriously, and
+added that I thought it was very kind of me to think so much about
+Edwardes.
+
+"But didn't he like the contrast?" Murray asked, and I thought the way
+he looked at Fred, as if something was amusing him, was fairly hard
+upon me.
+
+"He would have liked it," I said emphatically, "if I had ever given him
+a chance.  I mean if he had ever given me one."
+
+"What do you mean?" Fred asked, and I could see that it was time for me
+to come to the point of my tale.
+
+"After I had read a sentence and a half, Edwardes hopped out of his
+chair, glared at me and said he wanted to hear no more.  He then kicked
+me out of the room, and what I want to know is the reason why he did
+it; and if you two fellows can tell me that instead of grinning like
+two Chinese idols, you will be of some use."  The recital of my
+ill-treatment had made me annoyed with both Fred and Murray.
+
+Neither of them said anything for a moment, but both of them were, I
+regret to say, amused.  They missed the serious injustice of my story
+altogether, and though there was some excuse for Fred, who must have
+found it difficult to think of anything except his blue, there was no
+reason why Murray should not do or say something to show how sorry he
+was for me.
+
+"He couldn't have turned you out of the room for that," was all he said.
+
+"I tell you he did, and he was angry, very angry.  The man has gone
+utterly and hopelessly cracked; it is just my luck to get a lunatic for
+a tutor," I replied, forgetting for the instant that Murray also had a
+share in Edwardes.
+
+"He was sane enough yesterday," Murray said.
+
+"Perhaps he is one of those fellows who is affected by the sun," Foster
+put in.
+
+"There has been precious little sun to-day," Murray, who was in a most
+aggravating mood, declared.
+
+"I never said anything to him, but just began to read my essay, and
+then he jumped on me.  I shall complain to the Warden and see what he
+has to say about it.  I like the Warden," I added, by way of showing
+Murray that I could appreciate a reasonable don when I found one.
+
+Fred said that the whole thing was extraordinarily queer, and that
+there must be some explanation of it; but Murray, after being quiet for
+a minute, began to fidget like a man who has been puzzling over an
+acrostic, and is beginning to discover what it is all about.  My people
+used to do acrostics, and, when they were completely defeated, I did
+not mind being in the same room with them; but, as soon as they got
+some clue, my father fairly ramped around seeking books which he could
+not find, or asking me for information which I could not give him.  He
+had the acrostic mania quite badly.
+
+"I can tell you why Edwardes kicked you out; at least I believe I can,"
+he said at last.
+
+"Well, let us have it quick," I answered.
+
+"In the common-room the night before last you said that you were going
+to town to-day and that you wouldn't be able to read your essay to
+Edwardes."
+
+"I was going up to see a dentist, and he wrote that he couldn't see
+me," I replied.
+
+"And Dennison heard you say that you were going?"
+
+"The silly fool tried to make out that I was manufacturing the dentist
+story.  He simply makes me sick, but I don't see what he can have to do
+with this."
+
+"Did you see either Dennison or Learoyd in hall to-night?"
+
+"They weren't there, because I heard Webb asking Collier whether he had
+seen them."
+
+"I've never heard of Learoyd," Foster said, and considering that he had
+just got his blue I am afraid he must have spent a very dull time, for
+he was accustomed to see me in trouble, and might reasonably have been
+annoyed to find that even on this special evening I was in my usual
+state.  However, he did not seem to mind very much.
+
+"Learoyd is Dennison's latest discovery," I said; "but he has been
+found by the wrong man."
+
+"He is an exhibitioner and Edwardes is his tutor," Murray added; "and
+this afternoon about six o'clock I met Dennison coming out of here and
+Learoyd was waiting at the bottom of the staircase."
+
+"What on earth was Dennison doing in here?" I asked.
+
+"You aren't much good at guessing," Murray answered; "but I should say
+that having heard that you were not going to read your essay to
+Edwardes, and Learoyd not having done one to read, Dennison told him he
+would borrow yours.  I heard you tell Ward that it was just like your
+luck to have written an essay when you wouldn't be able to read it, and
+Dennison must have heard you say the same thing."
+
+"Do you mean that Learoyd had been reading out my stuff two or three
+hours before I went to Edwardes?" I asked, for port always makes my
+head feel stuffy however little I drink, and I wanted everything put
+quite clearly before me.
+
+"I should say so," Murray replied.
+
+My next remarks do not matter, but as soon as I had passed the
+explosive state I said, "That all comes from altering my style, and if
+I hadn't Edwardes must have known that it was my essay."
+
+"Confound your style," Foster replied, "it seems to me that this is
+likely to land you in a very fair row unless we do something at once.
+What sort of man is Learoyd?"
+
+"I hardly knew him until this term, and when I didn't know him I rather
+liked him, but he has been about a lot with Dennison, and seems to be
+going to the bad as hard as he can be pushed," I answered.
+
+"That's true enough," Murray said; "Learoyd was one of the nicest men
+up here until this term, and then Dennison took a fancy to him and the
+idiot has chucked up working and spends his time trying to be a blood.
+I know his people, and have tried all I know to persuade him that he
+will never make a successful blood--he isn't made for one--but I have
+done no good.  Marten isn't in it with Learoyd for rows with Edwardes,
+and the worst of it is that if his exhibition was taken away it would
+be serious.  His people are most frightfully hard up."
+
+"That makes the whole thing a thousand times more complicated," I
+replied, "I can't give a man away who is in a hole already.  I had
+better sit still and see what happens."
+
+"I should think you had better go and see Learoyd," Foster said, "he
+can't be in a bigger hole than you are."  He got up to go, and I said
+that I should wire to my people in the morning and tell them he had got
+his blue, but he told me that they knew already, and asked me if I had
+heard that Nina was coming up during the next week to see the last
+nights of the eights.
+
+"I had a letter from her last night," he continued, "and she said that
+Mrs. Marten was going to write to you."
+
+"Who is coming up with her?" I asked, and I felt that if I never wrote
+to Nina, there was no reason why she should not write to me.
+
+"She is going to stay at the Rudolf with the Faulkners.  They are
+coming next Monday morning," and having told me this, which he knew I
+should not like, he was kind enough to go away before I told him again
+what I thought of Mrs. Faulkner.  For when Fred had been staying with
+me at home the Faulkners were a fertile source of dispute between us.
+The Faulkners had plenty of money, nothing to do, and no children; they
+entertained a great deal, and had a mania for taking people up, as it
+is called.  I am almost certain that Mrs Faulkner tried to take me up
+once, but unfortunately I was expected to run in double harness with a
+fellow who wore a yellow tie and was no use at anything except talking.
+I put up with him for nearly the whole of an afternoon, until he told
+me that an ordinary dahlia, over which he was gushing, reminded him of
+the sun rising over the Hellespont, and that was altogether too much
+for me.  I left him and offended Mrs. Faulkner by telling her what I
+thought of him, and she told my mother that it was such a pity that I
+was so _gauche_.  It took me a long time to forgive her for saying
+that, and I wished Nina was coming to Oxford with some one who did not
+bother my mother with her opinions.
+
+I sat and pondered over this visit for some time, while Murray kept on
+telling me that Learoyd would be in bed if I did not hurry over to see
+him.  But what good I could get out of seeing him I could not
+understand, and Murray became quite abusive before I started.
+
+I knew Learoyd only in the most casual way, and I had never been in his
+rooms in my life, so I should not have been disappointed if he had been
+out.  I found him, however, sitting by himself, and my first impression
+was that he was either very sleepy or very sad, but whatever was the
+matter with him he could hardly have wanted to see me.  He was good
+enough, however, to say he was glad that I had come.
+
+The conversation flagged for two or three minutes until he roused
+himself suddenly.  "I have got the most vile attack of the blues
+to-night," he said, "and somehow or other I can't shake them off."  He
+seized a decanter of whisky and began pouring some of it into a glass,
+and then I did one of those things which I do impulsively and which are
+occasionally right.  I put my hand on his arm and said, "That stuff
+will only put them off until to-morrow morning."  He looked at me for a
+moment and sat down again.  "Why does every one preach to me?" he
+asked.  "I shouldn't have thought you were that sort, though you are a
+friend of Dick Murray's."  He was not angry, but just hopelessly tired
+of everything, and he looked so wretched that I felt really sorry for
+him.
+
+"I don't preach," I answered, "though if I could remember half the
+things which have been fired off at me they would make a mighty fine
+sermon.  When people take any notice of me they think that I want
+looking after and they begin to do it, the others leave me alone and
+say that I shall come to a bad end."
+
+He was evidently feeling so miserable about everything that I thought
+he might like to hear these dismal prophecies about my future.  I even
+thought they might cheer him up, and make him see that we were in the
+same boat.  But I made a mistake, for he was annoyed at the idea that
+my future could possibly be as great a failure as his.
+
+"You wouldn't say these things if you really thought you were in a
+hopeless muddle.  I have gone through it all this term, and I know.  I
+have tried to laugh, and I have drunk until I didn't care what
+happened, but it is all no use.  I have made a mess of everything, and
+there is no one to blame except myself.  And then this utterly idiotic
+row comes on the top of everything."
+
+He sat looking in front of him, and did not seem to remember that I was
+in the room, and the thought passed through my mind that I should be
+glad to wring Dennison's neck.  I asked him twice what row he was
+talking about before he spoke.
+
+"Hasn't Dennison told you?" he asked.  "I left him about an hour ago,
+and he said he would go and see you.  I thought that was what you had
+come here for, though of course nothing can be done."
+
+"I haven't seen Dennison," I said, and added, "I never do if I can help
+it," for Learoyd's statement that nothing could be done had given me no
+satisfaction.
+
+"You said that you had done an essay for Edwardes which you weren't
+going to read.  I hadn't done mine, so Dennison said you wouldn't mind
+me using yours.  He got it, and I went to Edwardes at six o'clock to
+read it, but as soon as I started he began to jump about as if
+something was stinging him, and after I had read about half a page he
+kicked me out of the room."
+
+"The man is mad after all," I said.
+
+"No, he isn't, I wish he was," Learoyd continued.  "This is what
+happened: Collier stayed in his rooms this afternoon to do his essay,
+but went to sleep, and never woke up until it was too late to do it,
+and then he remembered that you had one which wanted using so he read
+it to Edwardes at five o'clock.  I wish to goodness he hadn't put it
+back in your rooms."
+
+This was too much for me, and although Learoyd looked as miserable as
+ever, I had to laugh.
+
+"You wouldn't be so amused if you were in for the row I am," he said,
+"they will probably take away my exhibition."
+
+"I am in for exactly the same row," I answered.  "I tried to read that
+essay to Edwardes after dinner, and he looked as if he was going to
+have a fit.  I was out of the room in no time."
+
+Then Learoyd and I just sat for two or three minutes and laughed until
+he felt ever so much better.
+
+"What are we to do next?" he asked.  "After all, it was your essay."
+
+"It was no wonder Edwardes jumped about," I said, "I thought he was
+mad."
+
+"So did I, until I saw Collier.  But what are we to do?"
+
+"You say you are in a fairly tight hole," I replied.
+
+"Yes," he said, "I have been in for row after row all this term."
+
+"Then I won't claim this wretched essay, and it can't matter to
+Collier, because he hasn't got anything which the dons can take away."
+
+"What do you mean?" he asked.
+
+"Why, Collier has got to tell Edwardes he borrowed the thing, and I
+shall sit tight, so they will naturally think it is yours."
+
+"I can't stand that," he replied.
+
+"Why not?" I asked.  "They won't do anything desperate to me, and of
+course Collier won't mind at all."
+
+I talked until I thought that Learoyd saw how much better my
+arrangement was than anything he could suggest, and although he would
+not promise to do what I proposed, I thought that I had arranged
+everything when I left him.  But Learoyd was not the sort of man who
+would get out of a row by sacrificing any one else, and on the
+following morning both he and Collier went to Edwardes and told him
+exactly what had happened.  It was very nice of them to do it, but it
+deprived me of the comfortable feeling of having done Learoyd a really
+good turn, and brought me to the ground again rather too abruptly to
+please me.  So having been kicked out of the room for nothing, I went
+at once to Edwardes and tried to convey to him, as one man would to
+another, that I would forget his treatment of me if he would let off
+Collier and Learoyd, but especially Learoyd, as lightly as possible.
+That mission of mine, however, was a mistake.  Mr. Edwardes said he was
+not in a position to bargain with any undergraduate, and that he had no
+doubt that should the dons require my assistance in managing the
+college they would ask me to help them.  After I had left him I should
+think he must have regretted saying such sarcastic things, for Learoyd
+only got a final warning that his exhibition would be taken away at the
+end of the term unless he worked properly, and nothing whatever
+happened to Collier.  But I am afraid Edwardes never gave me the credit
+for my essay which I felt that I deserved.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+NINA COMES TO OXFORD
+
+There can be few men in Oxford who do not enjoy themselves during
+Eights' Week, and I imagine that the only miserable people to be found
+are those who happen to be in an eight which is bumped several times
+during the week.  If any one is so misguided that he wants to make a
+study of depression I should advise him to take a seat on the barge of
+a college which has a very bad eight, and if he waits until the boat
+comes back to the barge he will see some of the most unsmiling faces in
+the world.
+
+Rowing is a most serious form of sport, and no one can wonder that a
+crew which has been bumped is unable to look very cheerful.  It seems
+to me that a rowing man deserves a lot of credit even if he rows very
+badly; indeed I am not sure that the man who rows the worst does not
+deserve the most credit, for he has gone through the same drudgery as
+the rest of the crew, and has probably been sworn at a thousand times
+more often.  I should be very surprised if a rowing man at the end of
+so much forcible criticism and strenuous labour could smile when his
+boat is bumped.  I know that if I had ever been in a boat which had
+been bumped, and the only reason why I have not been is because I have
+never rowed in a bumping race, I should want to hit somebody over the
+head with my oar or denounce the cox.  Coxes, indeed, have told me that
+although they have never seen my first wish put into practice, my
+second is such an ordinary occurrence that the cox who has not suffered
+from it must be either deaf or a genius.  And if a reasonable man
+cannot help being sorry for an eight which has toiled many weeks only
+to be bumped, I think he ought to be far more sorry for the cox, whose
+cool appearance when the rest of his crew are hot and angry, is in
+itself an aggravation.
+
+I must say, however, that the only cox I ever knew well could not have
+failed to deserve all he ever heard, he was one of those pretentious
+little people who can only be described by the word "perky," and his
+side was simply terrific.  But all the same, if a very small man goes
+up to Oxford and guesses that it will be his fate to steer slow eights
+during the time he is there, I should advise him to start a society for
+the protection of coxes, and elect himself the first president.  He
+will not do the slightest good, but he will get some fun from being
+president, and he will also be able to choose colours for the society
+and wear a gorgeous tie, if there is any combination of colours which
+has not already been annexed, and there can't be many left to choose
+from.
+
+It is the easiest thing in the world to start clubs if all you want to
+get out of them is a remarkable tie and hatband, and I knew a man--by
+sight--who started three clubs in two years.  The first he called "The
+Roysterers," and they were supposed to dine twice a term in waistcoats
+decorated with R.D.C. buttons; the second he named "The Oddfish," a
+club which was intended to be eccentric, and from the extraordinary
+colours they adopted I should think they were aptly named.  Their chief
+function was drinking, and although I never went to any of their
+carousals I believe they discharged it thoroughly.  The third club
+which this energetic man founded was not given up to eating and
+drinking, but devoted itself to the discussion of moral and artistic
+subjects.  They called themselves "The Bumble-Bees," though I never
+could understand the reason why they chose such a name, unless it was,
+as Murray suggested, that after they had touched a thing there was no
+sweetness left in it.  I should not like to say how many more clubs
+this man would have started had he been given the opportunity, but he
+was sent down at the end of his second year, and I have met him since
+in Florence wearing a Bumble-Bee tie and Oddfish ribbon round his
+straw-hat.  I regret to say that he belonged to St. Cuthbert's, and he
+was really a nuisance, because there was so strong a feeling against
+these miscellaneous colours during my first summer term that nearly all
+the men who could do anything respectably wore black bands on their
+straw-hats, and the effect was most dismal.
+
+Dennison heard that my sister was coming up for Eights' week, and he
+told me calmly that he should like to meet her.  I may have imagined
+that he considered this an act of condescension on his part, for I
+cannot pretend that I was always fair to him.  I distrusted him so
+thoroughly that I never believed a word he said, and the only possible
+way for peace between us was for each of us to leave the other alone.
+But this way did not suit him, for I suppose that I knew too many men
+to be left out entirely from his consideration, and it seems to me that
+it is more annoying for a man to be friendly when you want to have
+nothing to do with him, than it is for anybody to take no notice of you
+when you would be glad to be his friend.  I did not, however, mean to
+let Nina meet Dennison, for I never knew whom she might like or
+dislike, and it would have been a most horrible complication if she had
+fallen a victim to Dennison's smile.  So I told him that Nina would not
+be in Oxford for more than two or three days, and that I did not know
+her plans, which was true enough as far as it went, and must have been
+enough for him to understand what I meant.
+
+Although I was useless in a boat, I was always most vigorously excited
+during Eights' week.  Three years before I went to Oxford St.
+Cuthbert's had been head of the river, but we had by slow degrees
+dwindled down to fifth, and in spite of one or two men who assured me
+that we had a much better eight than we were thought to have, I knew
+that we were more likely to go down than up.  Still I am sorry for the
+man who does not feel his nerves tingle at the prospect of a race, and
+you tingle all the more if you do not expect to be beaten, so I tried
+to forget the general opinion about our eight and to imagine that the
+boat in front of us was going to have an anxious time.
+
+Brasenose was head of the river, and after them came New College,
+Magdalen, and Christ Church; we were fifth, and I took no interest in
+the boat behind us, though I did know that it was Trinity.  So keen was
+I that I resolved to run with our boat if I could get any one to run
+with me, and I asked quite half-a-dozen men before I found somebody who
+was not looking after his own or somebody else's sisters.  The man who
+said he would run with me was Jack Ward, and he surprised me very much
+when he told me that he would far rather see some of the racing than
+sit on a barge with a crowd of ladies, and he even consented to run all
+the first three nights and then help me to look after Nina when she
+came up.  He knew, I expect, that I was not likely to run very far, and
+that there was no danger of his being left somewhere near Iffley to
+walk up by himself.
+
+I have a feeling that if I had to sit in a boat and hear the seconds
+counted out before the starting-gun is fired that my first stroke would
+be a most terrific crab.  Even standing on the bank is nervous enough
+work, and what it must be like for those who have got to row I cannot
+imagine.  I kept moving about so much before the start that Ward told
+me I should be tired before I began to run, but I am unable to keep
+still when things are going to happen, and just before the last gun
+went I had an inspiration and moved up to the place from which Christ
+Church started.  By this means I kept up for quite a long way, but it
+would be untrue to say I enjoyed myself.  We began to gain on Christ
+Church at once, and were very soon within half-a-length of them, but I
+had no breath to use for shouting, and not having a rattle I could make
+no row at all; moreover I am an erratic runner, so whenever I looked at
+the boats I kicked or ran into somebody, and I could not retort when
+they said things to me.  I pounded along as far as the Long Bridges,
+which was really quite a long way, and when I stopped I was sure that
+we should catch Christ Church.  I stood away from the path and tried to
+persuade myself that I was not feeling very unwell, but I waited until
+the crowds with the other boats had passed by, and then I walked as
+fast as I could up the towing-path.  I even ran once, for a short way,
+because I wanted to get back before all the excitement had stopped on
+our barge.  I felt certain that we were going head of the river, and
+that comfortable sensation seemed to improve my wind, but it took me
+some time to get up the towing-path.  The first disconcerting thing I
+saw were a lot of people cheering frantically on what I thought was the
+Trinity barge, but I did not know all the barges properly, and I came
+to the conclusion that whoever had told me that this one belonged to
+Trinity could not have spoken the truth.  So I forced my way up the
+path until I got opposite to our barge, and there I found Jack Ward
+looking very purple in the face.
+
+"Did we catch them?" I asked, and I thought that all our men who were
+waiting to be punted across to the barge might have made a little more
+noise.
+
+"Catch what?" he said.
+
+"Why, the House of course," I answered, for it was not very likely we
+should catch any one else.
+
+"Trinity caught us," he replied, and as the punt came over at that
+moment he gave a huge shove and managed to get into it.  I looked
+across the river and saw a very silent crowd on our barge, so I decided
+it was no place for me and walked solidly to the end of the towing-path
+and went home over Folly Bridge.  It was a long way round, and I cannot
+imagine any one going back to St. Cuthbert's by such a route if he felt
+happy.  When I saw Jack Ward at dinner I said that I should not run any
+more, and he replied that I was a fairly poor sort of sportsman; so I
+did run on both Friday and Saturday, and on Saturday night St.
+Cuthbert's was eighth on the river instead of fifth, and as we could
+find no other excuse we said that our crew was stale, but I am afraid
+the truth was that they were fairly fast for about half the course and
+then went to pieces.
+
+I had not told Nina that our eight was a bad one, and what she would
+say I did not care to think, for she never paid any attention to
+excuses, and was rather inclined to consider that I was insulting her
+personally when I was connected with anything which was not successful.
+At any rate I was thankful that we were still a long way above Oriel,
+for I knew that Nina would never understand that Oriel had given
+themselves up, more or less, to cricket and soccer, and were not very
+afflicted by the fact that their boat was nearly bottom of the river.
+
+I was sure that when Fred explained things to her she would say, "But
+why don't you row as well, I should hate to have my college at the
+bottom?" and this was almost exactly what happened.  Fred made an
+effort to get out of it by saying that Oriel was only a small college
+and could not be expected to be good at everything, but Nina evidently
+thought that it was large enough to have eight men who could row, and
+she was not inclined to be pleased with either Fred or me when we went
+to the Rudolf and lunched with Mrs. Faulkner on the Monday.  It was
+characteristic of Mr. Faulkner that he had not been able to come to
+Oxford, and his chief function in life, as far as I ever discovered it,
+was to get out of accompanying his wife on her countless expeditions.
+
+"It seems stupid coming up here to see St. Cuthbert's bumped and Oriel
+nearly last on the river.  I understood from Godfrey that St.
+Cuthbert's had a great reputation for rowing," Nina said.
+
+I avoided Fred's eye, for I thought that he might be amused, and to
+turn the conversation away from a dangerous subject, I took upon myself
+to make what seemed to me a wise remark.
+
+"There are other things to see in Oxford besides the bumping races," I
+answered.
+
+Nina sniffed very audibly, but Mrs. Faulkner hastened to the rescue.
+
+"I think Godfrey is quite right," she said; "it is disappointing to
+find that the colleges in which we are especially interested are so
+unlucky, but Nina hasn't seen Oxford before, and I am sure she will be
+delighted with it;" and Nina, who really could be quite nice when she
+liked, forgave Fred and me for the iniquities of our eights, and
+answered that she was longing to go out.
+
+Of course Mrs. Faulkner fell to my lot, and while we walked down the
+Broad it pleased her to talk about Nina and to make me say that she was
+very pretty.  I did think that Nina was not bad-looking, but she was my
+sister and I should as soon have thought of saying that she was
+wonderfully pretty, as I should of declaring that there was a striking
+resemblance between the Apollo Belvedere and myself, and my imagination
+has never carried me as far as that.  As I was not saying much about
+Nina Mrs. Faulkner tried to make me talk about myself, but I
+interrupted her.
+
+"This is St. Cuthbert's," I said; "shall we go in?"
+
+She looked at me and smiled.  "You are really rather extraordinary,
+Godfrey; if any one tries to flatter you, you shut up like a hedgehog.
+I am sure you have improved immensely and I am beginning to like you
+very much," she declared.
+
+I simply detested her at that moment, for when people make remarks like
+that I feel as if some one was pouring cold water down my spine, and as
+I meant to show Nina round St. Cuthbert's I managed to change
+companions in the lodge, and left Fred to listen to the improvements in
+himself, which Mrs. Faulkner, with her great gift for romance, was sure
+to say that she had discovered.
+
+As soon as I got Nina into the big St. Cuthbert's quad she forgot that
+she had started by almost quarrelling with me.  I was born,
+unfortunately, without a keen eye for beautiful things, and even when I
+see something which I like to look at again and again, some scene which
+gives you a peaceful feeling or a picture which helps you to forget
+that there is anything ugly in the world, I cannot express myself.
+When I like anybody I want to tell them so, but once when I saw a
+splendid sunset in Bavaria and said, "How simply ripping," my father
+told me not to make a fool of myself, and somehow or other I felt that
+he was right.  So I was very glad that I had to show Nina the beauties
+of St. Cuthbert's while it was her duty to admire them.  She had never
+been inside an Oxford quadrangle before, and though I think any one
+with two eyes and a grain of common-sense would say that Oxford is
+beautiful, I must admit that Nina saw St. Cuthbert's for the first time
+under the most favourable circumstances possible.  She looked at the
+old walls and the flower-boxes which were outside nearly all the
+windows, and did not talk any nonsense about them; even the creepers
+seemed to be greener than usual in the sunlight of the afternoon.  In
+the chapel somebody was playing the organ, which may have been a
+meretricious effect, but it pleased Nina, and that was all I cared
+about.  The whole college was most wonderfully peaceful, no one could
+imagine that the quadrangle had ever been made hideous by Bacchanalian
+yells.  And I felt proud of it, which was quite a new sensation to me,
+and I suppose it was Nina's delight that made me see things
+differently.  I took her to my rooms, which seemed to be small and
+gloomy enough after the hall and the quadrangle, but she said that they
+were far more comfortable than she had expected them to be, and she sat
+down in the most comfortable of my easy-chairs and looked as if she
+intended to stop for ever.  I suggested to her that we should go down
+to the river and see Oriel struggling in the second division, but she
+decided that one dose of racing would be enough for her, and said that
+Fred could take Mrs. Faulkner to the river if she wanted to go.  She
+had not been so fond of my society for a long time, and for quite ten
+minutes, with the aid of cherries, we got on splendidly together.  Then
+the conversation languished and I began to show her things which she
+did not want to see; it is so very hard to please anybody who does not
+pretend to like things which they do not like.  Nina began to hum at
+last, and if there is one noise which I detest it is humming.  To make
+matters worse her tune was one I especially disliked, but as I was her
+host I made a gallant attempt not to listen to it.  So I whistled, and
+I expect we had nearly reached a crisis when Mrs. Faulkner and Fred
+appeared.  I was very fond indeed of Nina, and I am sure that she would
+have been indignant if any one had told her that she was not fond of
+me, but when we had not seen each other for some time and were left
+alone together we often irritated each other.  It was a terrible
+nuisance, but it is no use denying that I was glad to see Mrs. Faulkner
+again, and if any one had told me that such a thing was possible when I
+left her at the lodge I should have denounced him with many words.  I
+could see that Fred had not been enjoying himself, and while Mrs.
+Faulkner and Nina were discussing loudly what they should do next, he
+told me that he had been asked a perfect fusillade of questions none of
+which he could answer.  "How old is that fig-tree in your garden?" he
+asked thoughtlessly, and Mrs. Faulkner's attention was turned upon me.
+
+"What fig-tree?" I asked.
+
+Fred tittered audibly, and Mrs. Faulkner seemed to forget that only a
+short time before she had discovered an immense improvement in me.
+
+"Do you mean to say that you live close to that beautiful fig-tree and
+don't even know of its existence?" she demanded.
+
+"Oh yes, I know about it," I answered; "it has stuff put round to keep
+it warm in the winter, but I have never asked how old it is.  You see
+the dons more or less monopolize our gardens, so you can't expect us to
+know much about them."
+
+"Notices are put up to say that certain parts of them are reserved for
+the dons of the college, aren't they?" Foster said, and he laughed
+again, but I said nothing.  "I shall tell Nina the tale if you don't,"
+he added.
+
+"I should like to hear something amusing," Nina said, as if there was
+not the slightest chance of her wish being gratified.
+
+"It's not very funny," I began, for I had a feeling that Mrs. Faulkner
+would not like this tale.
+
+"Well, anything's better than nothing," Nina declared wisely, and so,
+to pacify her, I continued.
+
+"These notices annoyed some men, so they dug a hole and bought a large
+sort of milk-pail arrangement to fit into it and a box of sardines.
+Then we filled the pail with water and put in the sardines, and Jack
+Ward put up a little notice, 'This fishing is reserved for the dons of
+the college.  Licences may be obtained at the lodge.'  The dons should
+not be so greedy about the garden," I added, because Mrs. Faulkner
+looked very disgusted.
+
+"Did you really make a large hole in that beautiful turf?" she asked at
+once.  "You began in the third person, but I expect you and this Mr.
+Ward did it; you ought to have been rusticated, or whatever the word
+is."
+
+"We were never found out, and the dons didn't mind; they thought it not
+a bad joke of its kind," I answered.
+
+"Then their sense of humour must have become perverted," she replied.
+"I think Mr. Ward must have a very bad influence over you."
+
+Nina laughed and said she insisted upon meeting Jack.
+
+"I sincerely hope you won't do anything of the kind," Mrs. Faulkner
+stated.  "The dons must know what is best for the undergraduates, and
+such tricks are very unbecoming; I am sure my husband always admitted
+this when he was at Cambridge."
+
+It was hardly fair to pull in Mr. Faulkner, so I said that I would get
+some tea, which put an end to the discussion, for I did not think it
+wise to say that I had asked Jack to meet Nina at luncheon on the
+following day.  By the time we had finished tea Fred was tired of Mrs.
+Faulkner, and he slipped off with Nina in a way which was really too
+clever to be very nice.  Mrs. Faulkner, however, was quite amiable, and
+she smiled on me steadily from the beginning of the Broad Walk to the
+end of it, which as a feat of endurance I feel it my duty to mention.
+
+When we got down to the river the band was playing on the 'Varsity
+barge, and Mrs. Faulkner really began to enjoy herself.  The flags
+flying from all the barges pleased her, and the smartness of the ladies
+made her compare the scene to church parade on a June morning in Hyde
+Park.  I knew nothing about church parades and very little about Hyde
+Park, but I said that I thought this must beat anything in London.
+Then I got a chair for her and looked round to find Nina and Fred, but
+as I could not see them anywhere, I said that I must go and hunt for
+them.  Mrs. Faulkner, however, had no intention of letting me go, and I
+had to be a kind of Baedeker for over half-an-hour.  I was not a very
+good Baedeker, I confess, but I had found out that one way to make
+things uncomfortable with this lady was not to answer every question
+she asked, so I supplied her with a good deal of information which I
+sincerely hope she never passed on to any one else.  Unfortunately our
+barge is near the 'Varsity's, and during the races a string of little
+flags fly from the 'Varsity barge to show the order of the colleges on
+the river.  I knew them well enough down to ours, and I even knew the
+ninth and tenth, but when Mrs. Faulkner wanted to know the whole lot, I
+had to use my imagination.  I know that I said Hertford twice and I
+finished up with All Souls, who only have about three undergraduates,
+so if they had rowed at all they would have been several men short.
+
+"I should like to write the colleges down if I had a pencil," she said;
+"you rattle them off so fast.  Didn't you say that one flag belonged to
+the University, but the University flag is surely dark blue?"
+
+And then I had to explain that University was a college and not the
+whole place, and she replied that she knew so much more about Cambridge
+than Oxford, and complained that our colleges had very confusing names.
+"Oriel!" she said scornfully, "it reminds me of a window, and then you
+have no originality.  Exeter, Worcester, Lincoln, why they are just
+names of towns, you can find them all in Bradshaw."
+
+"Well, at any rate Bradshaw's got nothing to do with it," I replied.
+"These colleges are hundreds of years old, and Bradshaw's a chicken
+compared with them."
+
+"What dreadful slang.  Fancy calling Bradshaw a chicken!" she
+exclaimed.  "Besides, you have a college called Keble, and my father
+knew Dr. Keble, so that _can't_ be hundreds of years old.  No,
+Cambridge have chosen their names better than Oxford."
+
+"Sidney Sussex," I said, for I thought it necessary to make some reply;
+"it's more like the name of one of Ouida's heroes than a college."
+
+She shook her head gently.  "I can't get over your colleges sounding
+like railway-stations," she answered.
+
+"You must blame the bishops who founded them and not Bradshaw or me," I
+replied, for I was getting very tired.
+
+"Some one told me Keble is built of red-brick," she said.
+
+"Red-brick is so bright," I answered, but I wanted to say something
+quite different, and at last a dim noise which quickly developed into a
+tremendous roar told us that the boats were coming.
+
+Brasenose paddled home first, and not one of the next six boats were in
+any danger of being caught.  It was reserved for us and Merton to give
+the people on the barges some excitement, but when I saw Merton
+pressing us fearfully I wished that I was not hemmed in by a crowd of
+ladies.  I yelled tremendously because I could not help myself, and
+Mrs. Faulkner, after saying something which I did not catch, put her
+hands over her ears.  But shouting was useless.  The abominable thing
+happened right in front of our barge, and when I saw our cox's hand go
+up to show that all was over, it was a very bad moment indeed.
+
+"Poor St. Cuthbert's, how very unfortunate they are," I heard a girl
+say; and some one else answered, "Yes, it's quite pathetic, so
+different from what one used to expect from them, but I am told that
+they are not the college they were."  That remark made me feel furious,
+and it was not until Mrs. Faulkner pulled my coat violently that I
+remembered that she was sitting close to me.
+
+"Did you make a bump?" I heard her asking me.
+
+"No, Merton bumped us.  We shall soon be sandwich boat," I answered,
+for I spoke without thinking.
+
+"Sandwich boat, my dear Godfrey, is this a picnic?" she returned, and I
+did not know whether she was serious or only trying to be funny.
+
+"There's not much picnic about it," I replied; "we've gone down four
+places in four nights."
+
+"But what is a sandwich boat.  They don't have such things at
+Cambridge."
+
+"They do, at any rate my cousin rowed eight times in four nights and
+nearly died after it.  A sandwich boat is bottom of one division and
+top of the other, so it has got to row in both; it's got nothing to do
+with ham.  Shall we go?"
+
+Every one was leaving the barges, but Mrs. Faulkner remained in her
+chair.
+
+"Isn't that girl in mauve a perfect dream?" she said to me, but I
+pretended not to hear.  I had to wait for several minutes while dresses
+and the people who wore them were criticized, and I am sure that
+nothing but the National Anthem or force could have stirred Mrs.
+Faulkner from her seat.
+
+We found Nina and Fred waiting for us, and Nina said she had been
+having a splendid time on the Oriel barge.  But I could think of
+nothing except that we were not the college we used to be, and I left
+Fred to talk to both Mrs. Faulkner and Nina.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE
+
+When I got back to my rooms after leaving Mrs. Faulkner and Nina I
+found a note from Owen asking me to go and see him at once.  Since he
+had, until then, avoided me in every possible way I guessed that
+something serious had happened, and when I got to his rooms in Lomax
+Street, I found him in bed with a cough which ought to have frightened
+his landlady instead of making her in a very bad temper.  He was,
+however, more worried about the interruption to his reading than
+anxious about himself, and he said flatly that he could not afford to
+have a doctor.  I tried to cheer him up--but you can't cheer up a man
+with a cough--and I told him I would come to him whenever he wanted me,
+and made him promise he would send for me if I could do anything for
+him.  He did not seem to have a single friend in Oxford, and the
+loneliness of the man made me feel absolutely wretched.
+
+I went to a very confidential chemist who knew nearly every man who had
+ever been at Oxford, and everything under the sun, and explained to him
+what sort of cough Owen had.  He understood instantly, and said that he
+would send a mixture which worked miracles, but I could not get Owen
+off my mind at once, and when Jack Ward came in very late to see me I
+sat up talking to him until a most unrighteous hour, with the result
+that I lay in bed the next morning until I was perfectly tired of my
+scout coming to call me.
+
+A letter from my mother was on my table in which she said that I was on
+no account to allow Nina to interrupt my reading, but I had only just
+finished breakfast, when Mrs. Faulkner and Nina came into my rooms.
+Mrs. Faulkner fixed her eyes on the tea-pot and said nothing; Nina,
+however, asked if everybody in Oxford breakfasted at eleven o'clock.  I
+had not expected them, and was consequently a little flurried; the
+truth is that I was not properly dressed, which handicapped my
+movements considerably.  Decency compelled me to keep my legs under the
+table, until I could slip into my bedder.  I was not in a condition to
+treat visitors who goaded at my laziness with any courage; tact was the
+only thing possible.  In my agitation I did not notice that Nina had
+put on the clock quite twenty minutes, and when she asked me if I was
+going to sit in front of the marmalade for the rest of the day, I had
+to reply that I thought it was rather a good place to sit.  I had
+managed to hide myself behind the table-cloth when I stood up to wish
+them good-morning, but I simply did not dare to move again.
+
+Mrs. Faulkner fluttered round the room looking at photographs; the bare
+knees of the Rugger XV. compelled her to say that she did not think
+them at all nice.  I put my legs farther under the table and felt like
+blushing.  She began to suspect that I was hiding something, and I am
+afraid she was the sort of woman who did not understand, until she had
+discovered them, that there are some things which had better remain
+hidden.  She tried little tricks to entice me from my seat, and even
+came and examined the table-cloth, which was ordinary enough, though
+she said it was a beautiful one.  I did not see how a white table-cloth
+could be beautiful, but I clutched it most fervently and her ruse
+failed.  She then asked me if a plate which had cost
+elevenpence-farthing was Wedgwood, and asked me to take it off the wall
+so that she might see the mark on the back.  I told her I had bought it
+at the Japanese shop and mentioned the sum it cost, but she declared
+that I had got a bargain and she must have it down.  I replied that it
+was a fixture, though I meant that I was, and that no one had ever been
+known to find a bargain in a Japanese shop.  Then she grew plaintive;
+"I think you might please me in this, Godfrey," she said.
+
+The time had come for me to take Nina into my confidence.  Mrs.
+Faulkner's eyes were fixed on the plate and her back was turned to me;
+I poked out one leg tentatively and Nina understood.  There was one
+splendid thing about Nina, you could always rely upon her in a crisis.
+She took up a chair at once and said that she would get the plate down;
+she added that unless I sat still after meals I might have very bad
+indigestion, but that was too much for Mrs. Faulkner.
+
+"I shouldn't think Godfrey has had indigestion in his life," she said.
+"I don't believe he has ever heard of pepsine.  He is in a
+disgracefully bad temper; there is nothing else the matter with him as
+far as I can see."
+
+"He was a very delicate child," Nina answered, "and has always been
+quite disgracefully spoilt.  He never does anything which he doesn't
+like."  I felt that Nina was over-playing her part, but I could not
+defend myself.
+
+"It is so nice having Nina here to do things for me," I said meekly;
+"and I hope you don't mind me treating you as if you are a relation," I
+added to Mrs. Faulkner.
+
+"I do mind very much; nothing is an excuse for being lazy and
+ill-natured.  I was brought up in the old school, I suppose," she
+answered, and I wished to goodness she had never left it.
+
+Nina got up on the chair and pretended that she could not reach the
+plate.
+
+"Now if you stood up here you could reach it," she said, turning round
+to Mrs. Faulkner.
+
+"But Godfrey will surely not allow me to do that," she replied.
+
+"I always said that you were taller than Nina," I could not help
+remarking, for Nina prided herself on being about three inches taller
+than she was; and she had said all sorts of things about me.
+
+"I wonder if I could reach the plate," Mrs. Faulkner said.
+
+"It would be rather a sporting thing to try," I answered.  "Nina
+couldn't reach it."
+
+"I think not," she returned; "I might fall over backwards."  And she
+sat down carefully in my biggest arm-chair.
+
+My scout came in to clear away breakfast, and the situation was
+desperate.  I picked up a piece of toast hastily and told him to come
+back in half-an-hour.  Mrs. Faulkner had taken her seat behind me, and
+I could only turn with difficulty to talk to her; while Nina's
+enthusiasm on my behalf seemed to have waned since her plot to get Mrs.
+Faulkner on the chair had failed.  If I had only dressed the lower part
+of myself properly instead of the top part it would not have mattered
+so much, but as it was a collar and a St. Cuthbert's XI. tie were
+superfluous when other more necessary garments were lacking.  I was on
+the point of throwing myself upon the mercy of Mrs. Faulkner and of
+explaining to her that a lot of men I knew wore very short pyjama
+trousers and no socks in the mornings if they intended to read, when
+Murray burst into my rooms and almost asked me why I had cut a lecture
+before he saw that I had visitors.
+
+I introduced him, and in the same breath declared that he would be
+delighted to show his rooms.  I was becoming reckless, and did not care
+if he thought me mad.  I went on to say that he had some splendid
+prints which Mrs. Faulkner would like to see, and Nina was kind enough
+to ask him if he would mind very much if they invaded his rooms.  He
+saw that something odd was happening; but Mrs. Faulkner was looking at
+me, and I could make only one sign to him.  I reached as far as I could
+under the table and having kicked off a bedroom slipper, I stuck out
+enough toes to tell him as much as he wanted to know.
+
+"Will you come?" he asked Mrs. Faulkner.  "I am afraid I have only one
+print; but I should like you to see my rooms."
+
+Mrs. Faulkner said that she would be delighted.
+
+"Let us all go," she added; "I am sure Godfrey has been sitting long
+enough at that table."
+
+"I will be with you in two minutes," I answered.
+
+Murray stood aside for them to go out, and closed the door behind him,
+and I fairly bolted into my bedroom.  But in two minutes I was dressed
+and able to go to Murray's rooms, armed with the most beautiful
+suggestions for spending the day.
+
+"Will your digestion really allow you to walk about so soon?" Mrs.
+Faulkner asked.
+
+"He never has anything the matter with him," Murray said, with all the
+thoughtlessness of a dyspeptic.  "He used to eat huge lunches, and then
+play footer; there's not much wrong with a man like that."
+
+"You don't know what I have suffered in secret," I replied; and Nina
+now that I was clothed again turned upon me and said, "Have you known
+him all these years and not found that out, Mrs. Faulkner?"
+
+"There is a good deal about Godfrey that I don't quite understand," was
+the answer, and since I could not wonder at that, I begged to be
+allowed to take her wherever she wished to go.
+
+We strolled about Oxford until lunch-time, and I answered every
+question asked me, and most of my answers were accurate.  For I had
+been careful enough to take an Oxford guide-book to bed with me, and
+had not entirely wasted the early morning.  In fact Mrs. Faulkner's
+visit forced me to see that I knew very little about Oxford.  My
+guide-book knowledge was so condensed that it was more satisfying than
+satisfactory, and if I had been asked what I charged per hour, I should
+have had no right to be angry.
+
+However, I did march Mrs. Faulkner and Nina round some of the sights of
+the place.  I showed them the Bodleian, All Souls, Shelley's memorial,
+and finally brought them to a shady seat in Addison's Walk.  I had been
+compelled to hurry for two reasons; in the first place we had not very
+much time, and secondly, my knowledge was not proof against the string
+of questions which only want of breath could stop Mrs. Faulkner from
+asking.  I should imagine that a large number of men never find out how
+great their ignorance of Oxford is until they have to show people round
+it, and I candidly confess that on this day I was ashamed of myself.  I
+was more at home in Addison's Walk than in any other place to which I
+had taken them, for it was in the open air, and also there was
+something about Addison and Steele and Gay which made me like them.
+The coffee-houses at which they met must have had some mysterious
+attraction for me, I think, and led me on to read what they had
+written.  I should have liked to have Sir Roger de Coverley for my
+uncle, and I cannot imagine a nicer man to have a day's fishing with
+than Will Wimble.  I hated Pope as much as I liked Addison, and though
+Mrs. Faulkner said he was a great satirist, I thought of him only as a
+man who wrote most disagreeable things about his friends.
+
+"It is necessary to separate the man from his work, if you are to be a
+good critic," Mrs. Faulkner said, and though this remark may be true
+enough I did not answer it, for Nina was looking extremely bored by the
+conversation we had been having about Addison.
+
+"We may as well go to Oriel and find Fred," I suggested, and Nina got
+up at once.
+
+"Unfortunately the art of satire is dead, drowned by exaggeration,"
+Mrs. Faulkner said as we went through the cloisters.
+
+"I think it's a better death than it deserves, don't you, Nina?" I
+replied.
+
+"I know nothing whatever about it," she answered.
+
+"Abuse has taken the place of satire," Mrs. Faulkner continued.
+
+"And a jolly good job, too," I said, for Nina's face of disgust made me
+forget to whom I was talking; "it is those sly digs in the ribs which
+make me ill."
+
+"My dear Godfrey, what dreadful slang you use.  A few minutes ago you
+surprised me by being interested in English literature, and now you
+talk as if there had never been such a thing."
+
+"You surprised me, too," I said, for I felt as if I had concealed
+enough for one day.
+
+"How?  Do tell me," Mrs. Faulkner said quickly.
+
+"I should not have thought that you cared about Addison or any of those
+old people," I answered, but I began to wish I had been more cautious.
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know."
+
+"But, why not?"
+
+"Well, I thought you were more modern."
+
+"I don't know what you mean," she said.
+
+"I am sure I don't," I answered; and as we passed Long Wall Street I
+managed to get on the far side of Nina, and to beseech her to say
+something.
+
+"I insist on you telling me what you mean," I heard Mrs. Faulkner say,
+but before I could even think of my answer Nina had come to my rescue
+by declaring that she admired the hat of a girl who was walking in
+front of us.  It was a flower-garden hat, and looked more like an
+advertisement for somebody's seeds than a decent covering for the head.
+Nina's remark, however, turned Mrs. Faulkner's attention away from me,
+and we listened to a lecture on taste until we were safely in Oriel.
+
+But Fred was not forthcoming, and Mrs. Faulkner promptly decided that
+he was working.  Comparisons, in which I took no kind of interest, were
+drawn between his industry and my laziness.  I endured them in silence,
+though I could have given Fred away had I liked, for his cap and gown
+were both in his rooms, and I knew that he was more probably batting in
+a net than taking notes at a lecture.
+
+After looking round Oriel, Mrs. Faulkner and Nina went back to the
+Rudolf, and I said that I must go to St. Cuthbert's and see that their
+luncheon had not been forgotten.  Mrs. Faulkner smiled at me
+sorrowfully when I left her, and I believe she intended me to believe
+that I had hurt her feelings very much.  If I live to threescore years
+and ten I shall not understand Mrs. Faulkner.  I felt very bothered
+that morning, for Nina and Mrs. Faulkner would not be in a good temper
+at the same time; but I met Dennison in the quad, who introduced me to
+his mother, two sisters, two cousins and an aunt.  He looked quite
+tired, and asked me to luncheon, but unless he had engaged the biggest
+room at the Sceptre I should think he must have been glad when I
+refused.  He was, however, most palpably short of men.  I had hardly
+got rid of Dennison when I ran into Lambert, escorting four more ladies
+with prodigiously long names; I think he must have found them at the
+theatre, and he looked more pleased with himself than ever.  When I got
+back to my rooms I felt quite thankful that my party had not reached an
+unwieldy size, and I had not to wait long before Mrs. Faulkner, Nina
+and Fred all arrived together.
+
+It is no use trying to give a luncheon party in a very small room,
+which was not built for parties of any kind, unless every one is
+prepared to be thoroughly uncomfortable.  You have got to put dishes
+wherever they will go and worry through as best you can.  I had taken
+quite a lot of trouble over the food, and the size of the room was not
+my fault.  My scout had made many subtle dispositions of furniture, but
+the fact remained that the table was not made to hold five people,
+unless the whole lot were really good sorts.  So I was delighted to
+find that Mrs. Faulkner was in her amiable mood and to hear her say
+that she was prepared for anything, though had I not been so sure that
+she would be inconvenienced, not to say squashed, before she finished,
+I am not sure that I should have accepted this reckless mood as much of
+a compliment.  The table was so crowded that it was not easy to see how
+many people were expected to sit at it, and I was not surprised when
+Nina suggested that we should begin luncheon.  I pretended not to hear
+what she said, and poked my head into a cupboard in the vain hope that
+I might find something which I did not know I had lost.  Mrs. Faulkner,
+however, ranged herself by the table and counted the napkins.
+
+"Five," I heard her say, and I withdrew my head from the cupboard and
+whispered "Jack Ward" to Nina.
+
+"Five," Mrs. Faulkner repeated and looked at Nina, Fred and me, as if
+she was holding a roll-call.
+
+"Who's the fifth?" Fred asked; "at any rate, I vote we begin."
+
+At that moment I heard some one rushing up-stairs several steps at a
+time.  Outside my door he stopped to get some breath, and when I
+introduced him to Mrs. Faulkner and Nina he was so apologetic for being
+late that it was quite difficult for me to stop him.  I must say that
+Mrs. Faulkner tried to adapt herself to the spirit of this luncheon.
+There was not much shyness about Jack Ward, and in a very few minutes
+Mrs. Faulkner was fairly beaming upon him.  She found out that she knew
+his cousins, and Jack, who would say anything to please any lady,
+declared that he had often heard of her.  As he asked me afterwards
+what her name was, I had to tell him that he was a regular humbug, but
+he said that he was sure that she was the kind of lady who liked to
+think she was never forgotten, and it was a pity to miss a harmless
+chance of making her feel pleased.
+
+At first I think Jack made her almost too pleased, and later on there
+was rather a distinct reaction.  She was not content with discovering
+his cousins, but also found out that his father was what she called a
+most generous benefactor.  "The sort of man who does so much good
+quietly, so unlike those noisy, discomforting people who will give
+something if somebody will give something else.  Charity ought not to
+be limited by conditions," I heard her say.
+
+"I don't think my father exactly throws his money about," Jack said.
+
+"I am sure he doesn't," Mrs. Faulkner agreed readily.
+
+"I mean that if he gives a lot away he expects to make a lot besides.
+He is a business man, you see," Jack returned.
+
+"Business men are the backbone of England," Mrs. Faulkner said at once.
+
+"But they aren't heroes or anybody of that kind," Jack answered.
+
+Mrs. Faulkner shook her head sorrowfully.  "You young men are all
+alike, you will never allow your parents to have any virtues."
+
+I was on the point of breaking a silence which had been extraordinarily
+prolonged, but Jack got ahead of me.
+
+"I know every one is always saying that," he began, "but I don't think
+it is true.  If you praised my father for being generous he would
+simply laugh at you.  He isn't built that way, you see, and he would
+think anybody a fool who gave a tremendous lot without hoping to get
+something back.  It is a matter of business with him and he is honest
+enough to admit it."
+
+"You do allow that he is honest," Mrs. Faulkner put in.
+
+"Of course," Jack replied quite good-temperedly, "only no one cares to
+brag about their relations unless they want to be called a snob or a
+bore.  It wouldn't do, you see, for a man to go about declaring that he
+had an uncle who was miles ahead of everybody else's uncle, or an aunt
+who could give a start to any other aunt in the world."
+
+"It depends upon what sort of start the aunt gave," Nina, who had been
+talking to Fred, remarked, and I knew by her smile that she intended
+this for humour; but Fred did not hear what she said, or I expect he
+would have laughed.  Sometimes he was very weak with Nina.
+
+"I am to believe then," Mrs. Faulkner said, "that all of you are very
+proud of your parents, only it is what you call bad form to admit it."
+
+Jack gave a great laugh which made everything rattle on the table, and
+Mrs. Faulkner, being unaccustomed to him, looked surprised.
+
+"Why is it such a joke?" she asked.
+
+"I am sorry," Jack replied; "I laugh sometimes quite unexpectedly, in
+my bath and places like that.  I think my nerves must be wrong."
+
+"Cigarettes," Mrs. Faulkner declared.  "I think I shall write to the
+papers about the University man of the day; I don't understand him in
+the least," and I unfortunately caught Fred's eye and smiled.  Her
+statement seemed to account for so much unnecessary correspondence.
+
+"Do," Jack answered, "and Foster, Godfrey and I will answer it."
+
+"There wouldn't be much to write, which any one who hasn't been at
+Cambridge or here would believe," Fred said.
+
+"Why not?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.
+
+"Because they wouldn't understand that a great many men amuse
+themselves in odd ways and yet are not complete idiots.  If you saw us
+dancing round a bonfire you might think we were all mad, but we aren't
+a bit."
+
+"I shouldn't choose a bonfire to dance round," Mrs. Faulkner said.
+
+"That's just it," Fred replied; "but it's very good sport when you
+happen to like it."
+
+The college messenger came into the room with a note for me which was
+marked "urgent," and I asked if I might read it.  Jack Ward was the
+only man who ever wanted me in a hurry, and so confident was I in the
+infallibility of my chemist that I was not thinking of Owen.  When I
+had finished reading the note I found that the conversation had taken a
+more lively turn.
+
+"It is so fortunate I brought something fit to wear," Mrs. Faulkner was
+saying.
+
+"I have only got four tickets, I wish I had got one for you," Fred said
+to Jack Ward, and then I remembered that Fred had promised to get
+tickets for the Brasenose ball which was taking place that evening.
+
+"You can have mine," I told Jack Ward.
+
+"Of course I can't do that," Jack answered; "I expect I can get one all
+right, if I may join you."
+
+Nina, who was nothing if not expeditious, said that he had better go at
+once and see if he could get a ticket, but I stopped him by repeating
+that he could have mine.
+
+"It won't be used unless you take it," I added.
+
+Every one except Fred, who saw that something had happened, led me to
+believe that I was very disagreeable and foolish.
+
+"We arranged last night that we should go if Fred could get the
+tickets," Nina said, and then by way of propitiating me she told me
+that I knew how well I danced.
+
+"You will spoil Nina's evening," Mrs. Faulkner declared, and Nina, I
+must say, was pouting most magnificently.
+
+"Why can't you come?" she asked.  "Has it got anything to do with that
+wretched note?"
+
+"Not another row?" Jack Ward put in most inconsiderately.
+
+"Fred never said anything about it till too late," I answered; "he kept
+the whole thing so dark."
+
+"I knew before luncheon," Nina replied, as if she had settled me
+completely.
+
+I managed to let Fred know that I wanted him to read the note, and
+having opened the Oxford "Mag" no one saw that he had got the letter
+inside the pages.  For a minute I persuaded Jack steadfastly to take my
+ticket and he refused with determination.  If it had not been that Nina
+was upset very easily, and Mrs. Faulkner had been known to have
+hysteria without giving any one a moment's notice, I would have
+brandished the note in their faces instead of standing first on one leg
+and then on the other and looking a most hopeless fool.
+
+I did not know what to say next, when Fred put down the magazine and
+joined us by the window.
+
+"If you can't well manage to come to-night," he said, "and it was most
+awfully stupid of me not to tell you at once that we were going, I am
+sure Ward will have this ticket," and he pulled it out of his pocket
+and simply made Jack take it.
+
+"I don't really think I can go, though I will turn up if I can," I
+said, and Fred made the most of my promise and talked so much that
+before I had to say anything else I found that he had persuaded Mrs.
+Faulkner and Nina to go down to the river and watch Oriel rowing in the
+earlier division.  I went with them as far as the college lodge and
+then I disappeared, for the note which I had received upset all my
+hopes of enjoying myself for the rest of the day.
+
+The first part of it was from Owen, who said he was feeling dreadfully
+ill, but the second part was written by his landlady, and she seemed to
+be in a terrible temper.  As far as I could make out Owen was very much
+worse and still refused to have a doctor.  "He says," his landlady
+wrote, "that if I send for a physician he won't pay him and I was up
+last night five times and who is going to stand it cough he coughs
+something awful and what's going to happen I don't know I expect he's
+got typhoid fever or something horrible."  She did not use any stops,
+but that might have been because she was in a hurry; clearly, however,
+she was very angry, and there was only one thing for me to do.
+
+I went round to Lomax Street as fast as I could, and I had no sooner
+got inside the house then I heard Owen coughing.  I found his landlady
+in the state her letter had suggested I should find her, she was
+infinitely more sorry for herself than she was for Owen, and since he
+was too ill for her to get any satisfaction from visiting her grievance
+upon him she started off upon me.
+
+"You are his friend," she said as she met me in the passage, "and you
+ought to have been here before.  I was just doing myself up before
+putting on my bonnet to go out and report this case."
+
+"To whom were you going to report it?" I asked, for I felt very much as
+if I should like to know.
+
+"You can report it now, I put all responsibility upon you," she stated
+loudly, and she took me up-stairs and announced me in a voice which
+would have shaken the nerves of a strong man.  I could not put up with
+her any longer and I told her abruptly to go.  She went energetically,
+her shoulders protesting against my rudeness, and she marched down the
+stairs with as much noise as she could make without hurting her feet.
+I am glad that there are very few landladies left, at least in Oxford,
+who look upon any illness as an opportunity for showing how nasty they
+can be.  I simply hated that woman, and before I had done with her I
+was weak enough to tell her so.  I was defeated in that battle of plain
+speaking.  To me, unaccustomed to illness, Owen looked as bad as anyone
+could look, and apart from his cough and his temperature he had got all
+sorts of worries on his mind which he wanted me to hear.  I listened to
+what he said without interrupting him, but I was impressed with the
+fact that I must creep about a sick-room, and I am afraid I was
+ostentatiously quiet.  His troubles had to do with the expenses of his
+illness, and he beseeched me not to send for a doctor or a nurse.  I
+tried to set his mind at rest, but I failed; he saw that I thought him
+very ill, and when I moved round the room on tiptoe he asked me to make
+as much noise as I liked.  I was no use as a sick nurse, and my efforts
+to make the room look fit to live in, though meant splendidly, seemed
+to me to make the place more uncomfortable and cheerless than ever.
+
+I promised faithfully that I would stay with him during the night, but
+he could not make me say that I would not see a doctor, and as soon as
+I could I went off and got a man whom I had once met at a smoking
+conceit.  This doctor was a bustling little man who did not sympathize
+with nonsense, and I had to explain a lot of things before I made him
+understand that this was a peculiar case.
+
+"What is the good of you sitting up all night, even if it is
+necessary," he said to me as we walked from his house to Lomax Street;
+"you would certainly go to sleep and do more harm than good."
+
+"Owen has a fairly bad cough," I answered.
+
+"If it is bad enough to keep you awake he ought to have a proper nurse."
+
+"He doesn't want to have a proper nurse, he is rather hard up," I said.
+
+"Pish," was his only answer, but when he got to Owen's rooms I should
+think he must have known that I had spoken the truth.
+
+I got leave from the Subby to stay with Owen during the night, but I
+cannot say that I was a successful nurse.  I took some books with me
+because I thought it would be a good opportunity to do some reading,
+but of course I went to sleep, and woke up with a snort which would
+have made me unpopular in any dormitory in the world.  Owen was so much
+worse in the morning that he had to be moved out of his wretched
+lodgings into a place where he would be properly looked after.
+
+I went back to St. Cuthbert's about eleven o'clock in a state of
+horrible depression.  I had promised to pay all the expenses of this
+illness, and how I was to do it I had not an idea.  The year was nearly
+over and my funds were exceedingly low, but I could not help making
+Owen believe that I had more money than I knew how to spend.
+
+Outside St. Cuthbert's I met Mrs. Faulkner and Nina, and while Mrs.
+Faulkner was commenting upon my dejected appearance Nina told me
+frankly that I looked dirty.
+
+"I have been up all night," I said, for there was no longer any reason
+why I should not explain what had happened.
+
+"We were not in bed until four o'clock," Nina answered proudly.
+
+"What have you been doing?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.
+
+"I have been nursing a man who is ill," I replied.
+
+"Infectious?" Mrs. Faulkner asked breathlessly.
+
+"Pneumonia, double pneumonia, I believe," I answered.
+
+"And you heard about it yesterday afternoon?" Nina said.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then why didn't you tell us?" Mrs. Faulkner asked.  "Fred and Nina
+have been quarrelling about you, and I have said the most awful things.
+You really might have more consideration."
+
+"I thought it would spoil your dance if I told you; I didn't know what
+was the matter with the man."
+
+"You are a dear, Godfrey," Nina said, and she linked her arm in mine.
+
+"I am an idiot if you want to call me any names," I replied.
+
+"You were always that," Nina said in the manner which is called
+playful; "we are just going to see Mr. Ward, who is perfectly charming;
+won't you come with us?"
+
+"I am going to have a bath, and then I must see Fred."
+
+Nina looked displeased.
+
+"What's the matter with Fred?" I asked.
+
+"He's as perfect as usual," Nina answered, and swung her parasol to
+show that she was not interested in him.
+
+"We are blocking the street, and you nearly hit a man in the eye with
+that thing," I said.
+
+"You will be in a better temper when you are cleaner," Nina retorted.
+
+"We go down at 4.15," Mrs. Faulkner said as we went into the lodge; "we
+are going on some river, the one that isn't deep, in a punt with Mr.
+Ward, and he is taking luncheon for us.  Do you think it is quite safe,
+Godfrey?"
+
+"Quite, if Nina doesn't try to punt," I answered.
+
+"Must we go away this afternoon?" Nina asked.
+
+"My dear, I have three, if not four, people arriving to-night," Mrs.
+Faulkner replied.
+
+"I will be at the station to see you off," I said, for even if they
+wanted me I did not feel like punting on the Cherwell.
+
+I pointed out Jack Ward's rooms to Nina, and had walked half-way across
+the quad when Mrs. Faulkner called me back.
+
+"I hope your friend is better?" she asked.
+
+"He has only just begun to be ill," I answered.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+MISHAPS
+
+After I had been to my rooms and had a bath I went round to Oriel to
+see Fred, but he was not in his rooms, so I left a note to tell him
+that he must come to luncheon with me.  Then I rushed back to St.
+Cuthbert's and went to hear Mr. Edwardes lecturing.  I missed the
+beginning of the lecture, and I might just as well have stayed away
+altogether, for Mr. Edwardes asked me to speak to him at the end of it,
+though what he meant was that he was going to speak while I was to
+listen.  Grave things were happening, at least I thought them grave,
+and Mr. Edwardes had nothing whatever to do with them.  While he talked
+to me I was trying by a process of mental arithmetic to discover how
+much money I had to my credit in the bank; the voice which I heard
+seemed to me to belong to bygone ages, and I was so worried by actual
+and present facts that I could not screw up a vestige of interest in
+antiquities.  I know that it was always my fate to arouse either the
+irony or the anger of my tutor, for to other men he was far more
+pleasant than he was to me, but I could not help thinking of him as
+representative of a system which could never influence me in the least.
+He soon discovered that I was paying no attention to him, and I suppose
+that I must have got most vigorously on his nerves, for he really
+became quite humanly angry, I must have been nearer to an understanding
+with him at that moment than I had ever been.  But when his rage
+abated, his lips snapped and the thunderbolts ceased.  He went on too
+long and became sarcastic again, as if ashamed of being properly angry,
+and I left him with the usual hopeless feeling that we should never
+understand each other.
+
+I went into the common room as I was crossing the quad, and before I
+had been there two minutes Dennison came in with Lambert and two or
+three other men of their set.  No one else was in the room except
+Murray, who was reading, and absolutely refused to talk to me about
+Edwardes, so I turned over various papers until Dennison asked me if I
+did not think our eight was quite the most comically bad boat I had
+ever seen.
+
+"The whole college is going to the deuce," I answered.
+
+"You look as if you were up late last night, and have got a fair old
+head on this morning," Dennison declared.
+
+"I haven't been to bed at all, if you want to know," I said.
+
+"Going to the deuce with the rest of the college, well, you have the
+consolation of being quite the most amusing man in it."
+
+I think I was fool enough to say that I was not amusing.
+
+"Not consciously," Dennison replied, "but I get more fun from you than
+from anybody, and when you are in a serious mood you are the most comic
+man I know.  He's delicious, isn't he, Lambert?"
+
+"If you can't see the funny side of our eight, you must be a madman,"
+Lambert said to me.
+
+"We used to be head of the river, and now we can't row for sour
+apples," Dennison chuckled, "the thing's a perfect pantomime."
+
+"And you are the stupidest clown in it," I said suddenly, for although
+I did not want to lose my temper the "sour apples" expression, on the
+top of being told that I had "a fair old head," compelled me to say
+something.
+
+"One to Marten," Lambert said, as he stalked about the room; they were
+a most trying lot to have anything to do with.  Everything they said
+was just the thing that made me want to get away from them, and
+Dennison had told me once that he considered conversation a very fine
+art.
+
+It would have been wise of me to have gone away without waiting for
+Dennison's attempts to get level with me, but I felt like staying where
+I was.
+
+"Poor old fellow," Dennison groaned, "he sits up all night, and then
+his conscience smites him and his head aches, and he thinks the college
+is going to the deuce and is to be saved from perdition by his being
+rude.  What you want, old chap, is a sedlitz powder; go and have one,
+and you won't be so gloomy, you may even smile when you see our eight
+bumped to-night."
+
+"You laugh and jeer at our boat when it goes down, but I'll bet you
+would be the first to kick up a row if we ever make any bumps again,
+though you don't care whether we go to the bottom of the river and stop
+there," I answered.
+
+"I don't see that it matters," Lambert put in, "and I would much rather
+be bottom than bottom but one or even two, there's something dignified
+about being absolutely last."
+
+"Take a sedlitz powder and become a philosopher," Dennison suggested.
+
+"I always thought your philosophy was founded on something confoundedly
+odd," I returned, "and now I know all about it."
+
+"I suppose you think that very witty," he replied, and he almost lost
+his temper, "but though I may not be much of a philosopher I am a
+first-rate doctor, so when a man wants medicine I tell him so."
+
+"Thanks," I said.
+
+"You are on the wrong track," he went on, beginning to smile again,
+"the wretched school-boy notion of being sick to death when you are
+beaten at anything is all humbug here, the thing to do is to laugh
+whatever happens, and to-day you look as if you hadn't a laugh left in
+you."
+
+"That's sitting up all night," Lambert said, "you can't laugh all day
+and night."
+
+Then I told them that if they wanted to see the college perfectly
+useless at everything they must be the biggest fools in Oxford, and I
+appealed to Murray to support me, because Dennison never spoke to him
+if he could help doing so.
+
+"It is much easier to laugh than it is to row," was all Murray said,
+and he went out of the room at once.
+
+"That man's the most complete prig in the 'Varsity," Dennison declared,
+"and as long as a college has a lot of men like him in it nothing else
+matters.  We don't want smugs here."
+
+"Murray," I said solidly, "is neither a prig nor a smug, and as you
+have never said half-a-dozen words to him you can't possibly know
+anything about him."
+
+"A smug is always labelled," he answered, "and that man looks one from
+his hat to his boots, don't you think so, Lambert?"
+
+Of course Lambert thought so, and I, having already said much more than
+I intended, was just going to say a lot more, when a whole crowd of men
+came into the room and saved me from the impossible task of making
+Dennison believe that he could make a mistake.
+
+I went back to my rooms and found Fred waiting for me, but from the way
+I banged my note-book on the table and threw my gown into a corner, I
+should not think that he expected me to be very pleasant.  Fred,
+however, understood me, and it seems to me that I have always been very
+lucky in having one friend who never tried to make out that I was in a
+good temper when I was in a bad one.  Some people when they suspect
+that you are angry ask silly little questions just to find out if their
+suspicious are true, but Fred always left me alone.  He simply took no
+notice of me at all, and though that was very annoying, it was not half
+as bad as a string of questions or a lot of stupid remarks about things
+which I did not want to hear.  I banged about the room tremendously,
+but Fred went on reading _The Sportsman_ and waited for me to become
+fit to speak to.
+
+At last I threw myself into a chair close to him.
+
+"For goodness' sake stop reading that blessed paper," I said; "why I
+take the wretched thing I don't know, who cares whether Kent beats
+Lancashire or whether Cambridge makes four hundred against the M.C.C."
+
+"You and I do," Fred answered, and tossed _The Sportsman_ on to the
+table.
+
+"I have been waiting here for half-an-hour to hear what has happened,
+but you seem to be in such an infernally bad temper that I should think
+I had better go.  There is a very fair chance of a row if I stay here,
+for I can't stand much to-day," he went on, when I had picked up the
+paper to see who had made the runs for Cambridge.
+
+"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
+
+"Everything."
+
+"Did you have a good ball?"
+
+"Perfectly rotten."
+
+"Did Nina get plenty of partners?"
+
+"Crowds."
+
+"And you didn't feel like going on the 'Cher' this morning?"
+
+"I have had two pros bowling to me," he answered, "I was bowled about a
+dozen times.  Besides I wasn't asked to go on the 'Cher.'"
+
+"Nina and Mrs. Faulkner said all sorts of things about me last night?"
+
+"Who told you so?"
+
+"They did."
+
+"Sometimes Nina's temper isn't any better than yours," he said.  "What
+happened to you?  How's Owen?"
+
+"Owen is very bad," I answered, and while we had lunch I told him what
+I had been doing.  "In a few hours I have made a fool of myself three
+times," I said, "I've promised to pay for Owen, and I have had rows
+with both Edwardes and Dennison.  This college is going to blazes, and
+it is men like Edwardes, who is a great lump of ice, and Dennison, who
+just wants to be a blood in his own miserable little way, who will be
+responsible.  Edwardes never cares what happens, and Dennison is
+collecting a set round him who can do nothing but wear waistcoats, eat
+and drink.  You have all the luck in belonging to a college where men
+don't become bloods by drinking hard, and where everybody takes an
+interest in the place.  St. Cuthbert's will never get a decent fresher
+to come to it if we don't do something to make it alive again."
+
+Fred stretched himself and yawned, all the life seemed to have gone out
+of him in some way.
+
+"You wouldn't like to belong to a college which has been something and
+is on the road to be nothing," I said.
+
+"It takes a lot to ruin a college," he answered; "every one knows that
+St. Cuthbert's is a good enough place, and one man like Dennison won't
+make much difference."
+
+"Won't he? you don't know him as well as I do.  He'd ruin the Bank of
+England if he could be the only director for a year."
+
+"But there are heaps of other men besides him."
+
+"No one seems to care; we just live on our reputation, and when
+Dennison is no longer a fresher he will wreck the whole place, he is
+clever enough to do it."
+
+"You are in a villainous temper and exaggerate everything," Fred said.
+
+"You know that Oriel is all right, and you don't care what happens to
+us," I retorted, and then Fred woke up and we very nearly had a
+terrific row.
+
+The remembrance of this day still makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am
+quite certain that Fred was the only man in Oxford who could have put
+up with me.  I simply walked from quarrel to quarrel, and I seemed to
+want each one to be more violent than the last.  Now I come to think of
+it, it is possible that Dennison's advice was sound; I must certainly
+have needed something which I did not take, but after all I think a
+long sleep was probably what I wanted.  At any rate I was a most
+unpleasant companion, and Fred told me afterwards that he had not known
+me for so many years, without finding out that I could be thoroughly
+unreasonable when I had a really bad day.
+
+Undoubtedly that day was a very bad one, and when any one stays up all
+night I advise him to go to bed during the next day, just to save
+trouble.
+
+We had arrived at a state of silence, for I had nothing left to say,
+and Fred refused to say anything, when Jack Ward strolled into the
+room, as if he had nothing more than usual to do, and had just come to
+waste his time and mine.  He must have tried to make what is called a
+dramatic entry, for most people who were in his condition would have
+hurried up for all they were worth.  He was wet through from head to
+foot, his collar hung round his neck like a dirty rag, and his whole
+appearance reminded me of a scarecrow which has suffered dreadfully
+from the weather.
+
+"What has happened?" I asked at once, for he walked straight up to an
+empty bottle and shook his head mournfully.
+
+"Nothing," he answered, "except that your sister fell into the 'Cher'
+and I hauled her out, and Mrs. What's-her-name shrieked and had
+hysterics.  They are all right now, but as soon as I got your sister to
+the bank, I had to throw water over the other lady; I began by
+sprinkling her face, but as she rather liked that I had to give her a
+regular good dose, and then she opened her eyes and said her dress was
+spoilt.  I must have some hot whisky, or I shall catch cold."
+
+We besieged Jack with questions, but we did not get much satisfaction
+from his replies.
+
+"It was all my fault," he said.  "I thought I could teach your sister
+to punt, and she fell in and I pulled her out.  I have told you that
+before."
+
+"Nina can swim," I said.
+
+"There wasn't much time to think about that, besides, she had a long
+dress on.  I am afraid we made rather a sensation when I got a cab for
+them down at Magdalen."
+
+"We must go round at once," I said to Fred.
+
+"I don't think it is much good doing that," Jack went on.  "I am
+awfully sorry that it happened, because Mrs. Faulkner was annoyed at
+first, and that was bad enough, but just before I left it suddenly
+occurred to her that I was very plucky and ought to be thanked, which
+was much worse.  She says they are both going to bed until it is time
+for them to get up and catch the train.  In that way she hopes to avoid
+the most serious consequences.  Your sister thinks it rather a good
+joke; I hope she won't catch a bad cold."
+
+"You had better go and change," I said, and I asked Fred if he would
+come to the Rudolf, but he said that it was no use for him to go if
+Mrs. Faulkner and Nina were in bed, and that he would meet me at the
+station.  Then I said something to Jack about it being awfully good of
+him to have jumped into the "Cher" to fish Nina out, but I was very
+glad when he asked me to shut up, for Fred was looking more gloomy than
+ever, and I am sure that he, having seen Nina swimming heaps of times,
+thought the whole thing was thoroughly stupid.  I did not quite know
+what to think about it, but I wished most sincerely that Nina had never
+tried to punt.
+
+Fred walked with me for a short way down the Broad, but stopped by
+Balliol, and said he was going in to see a man.
+
+"This affair is a horrid nuisance," I remarked.
+
+"Nina wouldn't drown very easily," he returned.
+
+"But she had a long dress on," and of this remark Fred took no notice.
+
+"I don't think I shall come down to the station," he said; "will you
+wish Mrs. Faulkner and Nina good-bye from me?"
+
+"No, I won't," I replied, and we stared at each other so hard that we
+were nearly run over by a cab; "you must come, do come to please me."
+
+"You do such a precious lot to make me want to please you," he
+retorted, and he looked most desperately down on his luck.
+
+"Do forget all about this afternoon.  I didn't mean one word I said."
+
+"You said a precious lot.  I'll come all right, but they won't want to
+see me," and he walked off before I could tell him that they had better
+want to see him, or I would have even another row.
+
+When I got to the Rudolf I sent up a card to Nina on which I wrote
+something which at the moment I thought funny.  But she did not seem to
+see the humour of it, for she sent me down an angry little note in
+which she told me to go away and meet her at four o'clock.  I went away
+sorrowfully, for there was a sense of importance about that note which
+told me that Nina was not going to tumble into the Cher for nothing,
+and I knew I should hear more than enough about it before long.
+
+But I did not think that I should be made to suffer until I got to the
+station.  But when your luck is dead out it is wise to be prepared for
+anything.
+
+I strolled aimlessly down the Corn-market, and having nothing whatever
+to do, I turned into the Union to read the papers, or write a letter to
+my brother, or do anything to pass the time.  I stood in the hall for
+some minutes looking at, but not reading, the telegrams; I was trying
+to remember whether it was my turn to write to my brother or his to
+write to me, and two or three men who found me planted in front of the
+telegrams shoved me a little, so I moved away and met a man whom I knew.
+
+"Halloa, Marten," he said, "I've just seen the pluckiest thing; that
+man Ward, you know him, fairly saved a girl's life.  She fell out of a
+punt on the Cher, a pretty girl too.  Ward's a lucky brute, you ought
+to have been there."
+
+"I've heard all about it," I answered.
+
+"But it only happened an hour ago."
+
+"Ward told me, he didn't think much of it."
+
+"Well, you should have seen him, I tell you he did it splendidly; I
+always thought he was a friend of yours, but you don't look very keen.
+However, it's something to talk about," he said, as he strolled off to
+find some one who would suit him better than I did.
+
+I drifted from the hall to one of the smoking-rooms, where I sat down
+next to a big, bearded man, who was wearing a most extraordinary wide
+pair of trousers, and who looked as if he would discourage the attempts
+of any one who wanted to talk.  He looked at me over the top of _The
+Times_, and having had the courage to sit next to him, I felt that if
+he would only look at other men as he did at me I should get all the
+protection I required.  I read in the aimless way which makes me turn
+the paper over frequently in the futile hope of finding something
+interesting, and I could not help knowing that my neighbour's eyes were
+far oftener on me than on _The Times_.  But I had no intention of
+leaving him, for we were members of a defensive alliance, though he
+knew nothing about it; two or three men I knew walked through the room
+and left me alone; I was, I thought, in an almost impregnable position
+and I closed my eyes, but before I had passed from the stage of
+wondering whether I should snore if I went to sleep, I felt a touch on
+my arm, and found Learoyd standing by me.
+
+"Go away," I said sleepily, "I am very tired."
+
+He leant over my chair and began to whisper; his back unfortunately was
+turned to my ally, or I think I could have stopped him.
+
+"Do you know," he began, "that your sister has been nearly drowned in
+the Cher, and Ward jumped in after her?  Everybody says he saved her
+life and will get a medal."
+
+"Who's everybody?" I asked, and I heard a noise, which was more like a
+grunt than anything else, from the chair behind Learoyd.
+
+"Pratt told me, and I knew it must have been your sister because I saw
+Ward start out of the college with her and some one else.  It was your
+sister, wasn't it?"
+
+"Yes," I answered, and my friend in the wide trousers got up and walked
+by us.
+
+"I am awfully glad it was your sister now that I have told Pratt so,"
+Learoyd said.  "He told me that he didn't think it could have been,
+because you didn't tell him."
+
+"I never tell an ass like Pratt anything," I replied, "he would die if
+he hadn't got something to talk about."
+
+"I am very glad she wasn't drowned."
+
+"You are only glad she fell in," I could not help saying.
+
+He looked rather bothered for a minute.  "No, I didn't mean that, only
+Pratt isn't the man to tell anything which isn't true, he's such a
+gossip," he answered.
+
+"I suppose every one is bound to know all about it.  I shouldn't wonder
+if it isn't in the papers this evening," I said, as I got out of my
+chair.
+
+"It is sure to be," Learoyd replied cheerfully.  "Jack Ward will have
+to pretend not to like it."
+
+"He won't like it," I said, and I gave Learoyd my paper to read and
+made my escape into the garden.  I sat down as far away from every one
+as I could and asked a waiter to bring me some tea, and for quite five
+minutes I was not molested.  It was very early for tea, and the waiter
+was talkative when he came back.
+
+"Going down to the river this afternoon, sir?" he said, as I fumbled in
+my pockets for some money.
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"Nearly a sad accident on the Cherwell this morning I heard some
+gentleman saying.  A gentleman from St. Cuthbert's College saved a
+young lady from drowning; he ought to marry the young lady, I say," he
+concluded with a waggish shake of the head, and he began to grope in
+his pockets for sixpence.
+
+"Don't bother about the change," I said, "you're a humorist."
+
+"A what, sir?"
+
+"A humorist," I answered so loudly that nearly every one in the garden
+looked round.
+
+"I am a bit of a comic, thank you, sir.  I sings a bit and acts a bit
+when I get the chance.  But people ought to be more careful when they
+go boating, many a good life's been lost by drowning, leaving sorrow
+behind it."
+
+"Some one is calling you," I said desperately, and just then I saw
+Pratt come into the garden and fix his eyes on me.  I rose hurriedly,
+and leaving my tea bolted for the door which leads into Castle Street.
+I turned round when I reached the door and saw the waiter tapping his
+forehead with one finger and talking to Pratt.  It was not difficult to
+guess what he was saying.
+
+I did not know what to do next, so I walked very slowly to the station
+and stood in front of the book-stall.  Business unfortunately was slack
+when I arrived and one of the boys would not leave me alone, he offered
+me so many papers that in sheer desperation I bought several; I told
+him that I would have two shillings' worth, and left the selection of
+them to him.  Then I walked off to a seat at the end of the platform to
+do a little thinking, but before I had really got settled I saw Fred
+walking towards me with his head somewhere near the second button of
+his waistcoat.  I shouted to him, and after we had sat on the bench for
+quite a minute without speaking we both began to laugh at the same
+time, until a porter and a ticket-collector came to see what was
+happening.  The porter was a burly man with a cheerful countenance, and
+he seemed so pleased to see any one enjoying themselves that he came
+close to us, but the ticket-collector stood afar off.
+
+"Nice weather, gentlemen," he said, and having agreed with him we began
+to laugh again.
+
+"I've not 'eard a good joke for many a fine day, you seem to be
+a-enjoying of yourselves, my missis 'as got the mumps," and he took off
+his cap and scratched his head.
+
+Fred said that mumps were very painful.
+
+"Nearly what you call a tragedy on the river to-day, seemingly," he
+went on, and I groaned aloud, but Fred, who had no idea what was
+coming, asked him what had happened.
+
+"It's like this," he began, "one of my mates, who 'as a brother what
+belongs to one of them boat-'ouses where they let out most anything to
+anybody what'll pay for it, 'eard in 'is dinner 'our as 'ow a young
+woman would 'ave gone to 'er death only 'er young man 'opped into the
+river and saved 'er life.  That's what my mate told me, but 'e's a bit
+of a liar."
+
+I jumped up from the seat before he had time to tell us anything more,
+and pushing a shilling into his hand said that the ticket-collector was
+beckoning to him.  He was so surprised that he had not enough breath to
+thank me, but he was kind enough to go away.  When he thought I was not
+looking I saw him tapping his forehead and grinning like that
+abominable waiter in the Union.  After two or three minutes of peace
+the ticket-collector thought he might as well try his luck with us, and
+began to stroll casually in our direction, but just as he was going to
+begin a conversation I seized Fred by the arm, and having fled to the
+end of the platform, we sat down on a luggage-barrow.
+
+"I should have hit that man," I said, "I can't stand any more," and
+then I told him what I had been through since I had left him.  "It
+isn't half as comic as you seem to think," I finished up, "every
+blessed man I know in the 'Varsity will talk to me about it.  Nina can
+swim as well as you can, and I shall tell her what I think of her."
+
+"Don't get into another rage," Fred replied; "I shouldn't say anything
+nasty to her if I were you, she didn't fall into the Cher on purpose.
+What is that huge great bundle of papers you are hugging?"
+
+"They are for Mrs. Faulkner to read on the way down, to show that I
+don't bear her any malice.  I wish I had never seen her."
+
+Fred took the bundle, and as he looked through the papers he gave way
+to such unrighteous laughter that the barrow tipped up, and he, I, and
+all the papers were scattered about the platform.  I hurt myself and
+told him so rudely, but he laughed at nothing that afternoon, and as
+soon as he had picked up the papers he went back to the barrow and
+proceeded to chuckle to himself until I had to ask whether he had gone
+mad.
+
+"For Mrs. Faulkner," he said, and really he was enough to annoy any one.
+
+"Why shouldn't I give her what I like?" I asked.
+
+"She won't thank you for this lot," he answered.  "_Cricket, The
+Sportsman, The Sporting Life, The Pink 'Un, A Life of W. G. Grace, The
+Topical Times, Pick-me-up, The Pelican_,--by Jove she will have
+something to tell your people when she gets home."
+
+"It's that boy at the bookstall," I said, "let's go and change some of
+them, though I believe you have only picked out the ones which Mrs
+Faulkner wouldn't read.  I let the boy choose what he liked."
+
+We made the bundle look as respectable as we could, and started down
+the platform, but before we got to the bookstall we saw Mrs. Faulkner,
+Nina and Jack Ward.
+
+"Oh, here you are at last," Nina said, "if it hadn't been for Mr. Ward
+I don't know what we should have done with our luggage."
+
+"If it hadn't been for Mr. Ward we should not only have lost our
+luggage but yourself, my dear," Mrs. Faulkner exclaimed, and she put
+her hand on Nina's arm.
+
+"I am sure we are horribly obliged to you, Jack," I said, for I had to
+say something.
+
+"I hope you won't catch cold," Fred said to Nina.
+
+"Thanks, I think I shall be all right now," she answered.
+
+"It is the terrible nervous shock which may be disastrous," Mrs.
+Faulkner remarked.
+
+"Won't you have some tea?" I asked, and it seemed to me that I was
+always asking Mrs. Faulkner to have tea when I didn't know what to do
+with her.
+
+"We should miss the train, it goes in twelve minutes," she replied.
+
+We stood on the platform for an interminable time trying to talk, but
+neither Mrs. Faulkner nor Nina seemed to take any interest in Fred and
+me, and I must say that Jack looked terribly uncomfortable at all the
+things which were said to him.  Just before the train was due, however,
+Nina took my arm and drew me away from the others, and I hoped that she
+was going to tell me something pleasant, but her first words banished
+that idea.
+
+"I want you to ask Mr. Ward to stay with us in July," she said.
+
+"I shall do nothing of the kind," I answered.
+
+"He jumped into the river to save me."
+
+"You can swim all right."
+
+"But he didn't know that."
+
+"Mrs. Faulkner makes me ill.  I think you might stop her making such a
+fuss; she has made Jack feel uncomfortable, and Fred never says a word.
+I think you are treating Fred jolly badly," I said.
+
+"I suppose he will be down in July," she replied, rather disagreeably.
+
+"Of course he will."
+
+"And you won't ask Mr. Ward?"
+
+"For goodness' sake, Nina, don't be stupid," I answered, "and let me
+ask what friends I like."
+
+"I shall get mother to ask him if you don't."
+
+Before I had time to reply the train came into the station, and Fred,
+Jack and I had to work hard to get a compartment to suit Mrs. Faulkner.
+It took some time to get her properly settled, and after she had
+thanked Jack once more and wished us all good-bye, Nina came to the
+carriage-window and said that I was not to forget what she told me.
+
+"Are those papers for us?" she called out as the train started.
+
+I took off my hat and pretended not to hear, for I had completely
+forgotten to change them, but before I could stop him Jack had taken
+the bundle out of my hand, and by means of running much faster than I
+thought possible he got the whole lot into the carriage.
+
+"I felt such a fool on that platform that I never remembered anything,"
+he said, when he came back.
+
+"I wish you had forgotten how to run," I replied, and when Fred told
+him why I had kept my bundle to myself we managed to talk about the way
+Mrs. Faulkner would criticize my taste until we separated.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON
+
+My life for several days after Nina went away was just what I expected
+it would be.  Everybody I knew wanted to be told about the accident,
+and congratulated me on her narrow escape.  I was gloriously rude to
+several men, but nothing I could do was really any good.  The first man
+at whom I let myself go was Dennison, and in this I made a very great
+mistake, because in letting him know that I was sick of the whole
+business I gave him a chance which he did not miss.  He went round
+finding men who had not seen me, and persuaded them to come to me and
+say how sorry they had been to hear of the accident, and how glad they
+were that Jack Ward had saved Nina, and a lot of other desperate
+twaddle.  Finally, Dennison having worked this joke most diligently,
+decided that a dinner must be given in Jack's honour, and when he met
+me in the quad on Sunday and told me about it I refused flatly to go.
+
+"Of course you will come," he said, "it would be a disgrace to the
+college if we didn't do something to celebrate Ward's pluck and your
+sister's escape."
+
+"It is a disgrace to the college to make a wretched fuss about
+nothing," I replied.
+
+"You are the only man who thinks that.  Next Thursday night, half-past
+seven, at the Sceptre," he said, and walked off.
+
+Ward and I had been avoiding each other ever since the Wednesday night,
+when he having first of all been to Brasenose because they were Head of
+the River and lively, came to see me afterwards and talked very
+stupidly.  I was in bed, and he woke me up to talk to me for over
+half-an-hour about love.  Any one would have been angry, and though I
+tried to be polite, because he had jumped into the Cher, I told him to
+go away several times before he went.  I had never thought it possible
+that I could have so much trouble about Nina.  I suppose he knew that
+he had made an idiot of himself that evening, for if there is any time
+when it is decent to wake a man up and talk to him about wonderful
+subjects, I am sure it can never be after a huge celebration at
+Brasenose.  I didn't know much about love, but I thought that there
+must be the wrong and the right kind, and that Jack had made a bad
+start.
+
+So we kept out of each other's way as much as possible, and I did not
+know that he hated the idea of this dinner even more than I did.  We
+might together have done something to stop it, but we had no chance
+unless we combined.  I thought Jack wanted to be feted, and in
+consequence I felt absolutely savage with him, while he told me
+afterwards that he was simply dragged into the thing by Dennison.
+However, I am not altogether sorry that the dinner took place, for
+though neither Jack nor I were anything like wily enough to score off
+Dennison, we got some rare fun out of him before that evening finished.
+
+Collier, Lambert and Learoyd all came to tell me that I must go to the
+dinner before I could be persuaded to have anything to do with it, and
+it was really comical to hear why each of them was so keen on the
+affair.  Collier gloried openly in the fact that it would be a huge
+feed, and said he was glad Dennison had engaged Rodoski to play the
+fiddle because music gave him a better appetite, and he advised me
+strongly not to miss such a good chance of enjoying myself, and thought
+me mad to hesitate.  Lambert said that Dennison had asked him to
+propose Ward's health, and that he hoped his speech--though quite
+unprepared--would not be unworthy of the evening.  "The dinner itself
+will be nothing, just like any other kind of dinner, but don't you miss
+it," he concluded, and I felt sure that he had already got his speech
+in his pocket.  Learoyd begged me not to stay away from a jolly good
+rag.  "If we can't row, we can rag," he said, and when I told him that
+I was sick to death of ragging, he took such a serious view of my case
+that I promised that I would go so that I could get rid of him.
+
+There were about fourteen men at the dinner-party, including Ward,
+Dennison, Lambert, Learoyd, Collier, Webb, and Bunny Langham, and since
+Dennison had taken a free hand in arranging everything, it was a
+tremendous affair.  I never doubted that his idea was to make Ward and
+me look as foolish as possible, for he was the kind of man who was
+never really contented unless he was trying to make some one feel
+uncomfortable.  The whole thing, I knew, was an elaborate joke at our
+expense, but I was not going to starve because Nina had fallen into the
+"Cher" and Jack had pulled her out, so I set to work to enjoy myself,
+though I had to sit next to Dennison.  In fact, having once got to the
+Sceptre, I think I made more row than any one at dinner, and this must
+have disappointed Dennison, who started by saying those half sweet and
+half bitter things to me, which I never know how to answer, but which
+make me long to put the man who says them under the table.  So I talked
+and shouted loud enough to drown Dennison's remarks, for it would never
+have done to put him out of sight during the dinner.  I suppose that
+being unable to get any fun out of me, and having Collier, who did not
+like to speak much at meals, on the other side of him, he must have
+found some fresh amusement, for he became very quiet as the evening
+went on, and there was only one thing which ever made him silent and
+that was the kind of thing which makes most people talk.
+
+He was, however, capable of asking Lambert to propose the toast of the
+evening, but nothing would make Lambert stir before some one had
+proposed the royal toasts, which Dennison had forgotten; and three or
+four men who did not want any one to talk except themselves shouted,
+"No speeches," until Bunny Langham got up and surprised every one by
+making them laugh.  He did not stick to his subject very much, but he
+managed to make everything he said ramble round in an odd sort of way
+to an apology for Dennison's forgetfulness, and if only he had been
+sitting on the other side of me I should not have been compelled to
+shout during the whole of dinner, for I believe he would have been able
+to help me in answering the gibing remarks which had been made to me.
+Dennison smiled across the table at Langham, but his smile looked as if
+it had been glued on to his face, and if I had been in his place I
+should have thrown something solid, like a pine-apple, at Bunny.
+
+My penance, however, was to come, and when Lambert at last got up to
+finish off the business of making fools of Jack Ward and me, I thought
+of pretending that my nose had begun to bleed and of hurrying out of
+the room, only it seemed to be rather a weak thing to do.  So I just
+sat there and imagined that everybody was looking at me, which made me
+feel most uncomfortably hot.  Lambert admitted afterwards that he was
+in his very best form that evening, and I think he must have been, for
+I never heard anybody talk such a lot of nonsense in all my life.  I
+looked at Jack Ward once, and he was evidently having a very bad time,
+but every one else except Collier, who was sleepy, seemed to think that
+Lambert was amusing.  He referred to Jack in a patronizing way as "our
+young hero," and said that my mind had been so completely upset by this
+brave deed that for some days I had been a cause of considerable
+anxiety to my friends.  When he made that remark I took a very ripe
+pear from a dish in front of me, but Learoyd persuaded me not to throw
+it.  I couldn't have missed Lambert, and I think he deserved to be
+mobbed, but he saw what was happening and I think it made him forget
+some of the things he was going to say about me.  At the end of his
+speech he actually began to recite a piece of poetry of his own, though
+the first line was about the brave deserving the fair and sounded like
+somebody else's, which was a way his poems had.  He had arranged for
+slow music to be turned on while he did this, and there was such a
+general feeling against the combination that he had to sit down before
+he had finished.  Bunny Langham, who was a member of the Horace Club,
+and disliked any poems made in Oxford except those which he wrote
+himself, led the hubbub, and after we had drunk Jack's health there was
+such a noise that he escaped having to reply.  When any one shouted for
+him, as they did fitfully for some time, their voices were always
+drowned in the general cheerfulness of the evening, and he finally came
+round from the other side of the table and sat down by me.
+
+"You have been making a most awful row," he said.
+
+"Self-defence," I answered, "I didn't want to hear anything which
+Dennison said."
+
+"A most rotten evening, the proggins will come in a few minutes if he
+is within shouting distance.  They have been trying to get us out for
+the last quarter of an hour."
+
+"Several men seem to have gone already."
+
+We talked for some minutes, and then a waiter came in and said the
+proctor was coming down "The High," so we all bolted as hard as we
+could.  Instead of turning down the Turl, I saw Dennison run down the
+High, with Lambert pursuing him and telling him to stop.  But Dennison
+had been careful during the last part of the evening, and had arrived
+at the state when any one shouting at him made him run all the faster,
+while Lambert, excited by oratory and the after-effects of it, declared
+very loudly that he would catch Dennison if he had to run a mile.
+
+"Dennison thinks that the proggins and all his bulldogs are after him,"
+Bunny Langham said; "the whole thing was only a trick to get us out
+before anything happened."
+
+"They can catch me if they like," Ward replied, "I can't run to-night."
+
+So the three of us walked back to St. Cuthbert's, and Bunny complained
+bitterly that he could not come in and wait until Lambert and Dennison
+turned up.  The first man to come into college after us was Collier,
+who said he had been dodging round the Radcliffe for a quarter of an
+hour, and soon afterwards Learoyd and Webb strolled in and pretended
+that they had been sitting under the table in the Sceptre, but they
+looked exceedingly warm.  We all went to Ward's rooms, which were a
+kind of club for any men he knew and very often used when he was not
+even in them, to wait for Dennison and Lambert; but we had to stay
+until nearly twelve o'clock before either of them came, and then there
+was a tremendous thumping on the door, and Dennison, in a most
+exhausted condition, tottered in and nearly collapsed in the porter's
+arms.
+
+It was some time before he had breath enough to walk across to Ward's
+rooms, but when we had got him settled in an arm-chair he began to feel
+better.
+
+"At any rate I did the brute," he said, "that bulldog will remember me
+for the rest of his life."
+
+I should have given the whole thing away by laughing if I had said
+anything, and I moved to the window so that I could put my head outside
+if I really had to laugh, while Collier, who had been scored off by
+Dennison very often, began to ask him questions.  He had not to ask
+many, because when Dennison once began to talk, he told us everything
+without needing much encouragement.
+
+"That big bull-dog has had his eye on me for ages," he said, "ever
+since I dodged him one night last term in the Corn, and I know that he
+has been saying that he would catch me some day."  He stopped for a
+minute, being still rather breathless, and Collier asked him where he
+had been.  "Directly I went out of the Sceptre he started off after me,
+and I made up my mind I would give him the deuce of a time before I had
+done with him, so I ran like blazes down the High, and when I turned
+round by Magdalen to see if he was coming I saw the brute in the
+distance.  So off I went again, and when we got to the running-ground I
+heard him panting and swearing and shouting a hundred yards away.  I
+let him get a bit closer and then went on towards Iffley; but I got a
+most horrible stitch, so I went as hard as I could for a bit, and then
+climbed over a gate and sat down under a hedge.  I waited until he had
+gone past, and then came back to college.  It is the easiest thing in
+the world to score off a bull-dog, they are simply the stupidest men in
+the world."
+
+"He must have got a long way past Iffley by now," Collier said.
+
+"I don't care where he is, but I shall have to look out that he doesn't
+get level with me," Dennison replied.
+
+"You will always have to wear a cap and gown now," Learoyd remarked.
+
+But Dennison took no notice of this advice.
+
+"Where's Lambert?" he asked; "everybody else seems to be here except
+him and that fool, Bunny Langham."
+
+"We don't know, he has not come in yet," Collier answered, and at that
+moment there was a rap at the door, and as soon as Lambert got into the
+porch I put my head out of the window and told him to come up to Ward's
+rooms.  As he walked across the quad I saw that he had been having a
+rough time of it, for his clothes did not look as immaculate as usual.
+He was carrying an overcoat over his arm, and his shirt and collar had
+given way so badly that the first thing he did when he got into the
+room was to go to a looking-glass, and see how he could improve the
+appearance of things.  A lot of men asked him where he had been, but he
+had forgotten that any of us had seen him start after Dennison, and he
+answered that he had just been for a stroll.  "I like to have a walk by
+myself after a noise," he added; "the heat of that room made me feel
+absolutely ill."
+
+Then Ward could not restrain himself any longer, and told Dennison that
+we all knew Lambert had been running after him, and that there had been
+no proctor and bull-dogs in the High.
+
+"Coming suddenly out of a hot room into the open air always affects
+me," Lambert said.  "I made up my mind I would catch Dennison if I ran
+until my legs gave way."
+
+"It's all a silly lie," Dennison exclaimed; "I was chased by the big
+bull-dog; I should have seen that shirt, which was white when you
+started."
+
+"I had on an overcoat," was Lambert's reply.
+
+"Did you go to Iffley?" Collier asked.
+
+"Iffley?  Good heavens, no, I never went any further than Magdalen
+Bridge."
+
+There was such a shout of laughter that I believe I should have thought
+anybody else except Dennison had been rotted enough.
+
+"Then I _was_ chased by a bull-dog!" he said emphatically.
+
+"You weren't chased by any one after I stopped, for I sat on the bridge
+for quite ten minutes, and then I thought I would come home by Long
+Wall Street, the High being rather exposed at night.  I made an
+unfortunate choice."  He shot his cuffs down, but they were terribly
+limp, and he looked at them with disgust.
+
+"What happened?" Ward asked.
+
+"I met the proggins, and having got my wind I charged right past him.
+Then I ran round by the Racquet Courts, and finally hid in a garden by
+Keble.  I ought not to have done that, because the bull-dogs know me,
+and I found them waiting outside when I came in.  It is all your fault
+for running away when I told you to stop," he said to Dennison.
+
+"I expect you were hiding in the garden at the same time Dennison was
+hiding from you behind a hedge in the Iffley Road," Collier said, and
+the idea pleased Lambert so much that he took off his tie and went to
+the looking-glass again.  But he soon made up his mind that no tie,
+however beautifully tied, had a chance with a collar which looked like
+a piece of moderately white blotting-paper, so he stalked out of the
+room without wishing any one good-night, though he did wave his tie in
+Jack Ward's direction as he went, and since it was very late I followed
+him.
+
+During the rest of the term I hardly saw anything of Fred, as he was
+playing cricket for the 'Varsity, and whenever I tried to see him I
+nearly always failed.  I did not try much, for I did not see why he
+wanted to avoid me, and I thought he was treating me very badly.
+Besides, my people were bothering me a lot during the last few days of
+the term, and I didn't see any use in telling Fred that my mother
+wanted Jack Ward to come down to Worcestershire during the summer.  As
+a matter-of-fact I was in an awkward position, for my mother had
+written to Jack Ward to thank him for pulling Nina out of the "Cher,"
+and to say that she would be very glad if he could come down sometime
+to stay with us.  But I thought Jack Ward would not come unless I asked
+him myself, and that rotten jumble he talked about love on my bed, and
+a sort of feeling that Fred would not like him to come kept me from
+saying anything to him.  Jack only told me that my mother had written
+to him, and I heard from her that she had asked him to stay, so I had
+some time to think of what I had better do, and the more I thought the
+more bothered I became.
+
+I had one idea which pleased me for a quarter of an hour; it was that
+Jack should come while Nina was away, but as soon as I thought of the
+temper Nina would be in when she found out this little plan I abandoned
+it quickly.  Another idea, which did not please me for so long, was
+that I should tell Jack that my people simply hated any one who
+flirted, but that seemed both to be taking a good deal for granted and
+to be rather hard on Nina; besides, it reminded me unpleasantly of
+those advertisements for servants which end up, "No followers allowed,"
+and which, I should think, are a great waste of money.  In addition to
+this bother which I manufactured more or less for myself, I had another
+trouble which did not worry so much because I understood it better.
+Mrs. Faulkner had told my mother, quite privately, that I was in her
+opinion doing very little work at Oxford, and my mother was not as
+disturbed at this as her informant thought she ought to have been.  At
+least I suppose that must have been the reason why Mrs. Faulkner told
+my father the same tale, and even took the trouble to show him some of
+the papers which were in that wretched parcel.  I could not expect him
+to approve of all those papers, and I did not dare to tell him that I
+had not chosen them myself, because he would then have accused me of
+laziness and extravagance and a whole host of unpleasant things, so I
+accepted his rebukes with a contrite spirit and wrote and told him,
+quite truthfully, that I read very serious papers nearly every week.
+But when you have been fairly caught buying a host of sporting and
+theatrical literature, it isn't much good trying to persuade your
+father that it was a fluke.  I sent him _The Spectator_ soon
+afterwards, but he never acknowledged it, and my mother in her next
+letter drew my attention to the fact that he had subscribed to this
+review for the last seven years.  My luck was very bad just then, I
+seemed unable to do anything right.
+
+There was only one thing which cheered me up, and it was that Owen had
+got over the worst part of his illness.  But I could not even think of
+this without being bothered, for when a man is ill you don't mind
+promising to do anything, and it is only when he is getting better that
+you begin to realize how much you have promised.  It was certain that I
+must pay the expenses of his illness, and it was equally certain that I
+should not have enough money to pay my college bills as well; the whole
+thing made me very pensive.
+
+Murray was in my rooms one night just before the end of the term, and I
+was talking over my difficulties, for he was always hard-up himself and
+not likely to offer to lend me anything, when a note was brought in
+from Fred, and the first thing which fell out of the envelope was a
+cheque for fifty pounds.  I did not know what to think of that, but the
+note upset me altogether.
+
+"Dear Godfrey," Fred wrote, "you told me some time ago that you were
+hard up, so I am sending you a cheque in case you want it.  My people
+have just sent me more money than I shall use this year, and you can
+pay me back when you like.  I am afraid I shan't be able to come down
+to you after the 'Varsity match, as I have promised to go with a
+reading party to Cornwall for two months.  I believe the only thing to
+do down there is to play golf, which isn't much fun, but Henderson is
+coming, and we shall try to get some cricket.  Please remember me to
+your people.  Yours ever, F. F.
+
+"P.S. I suppose you won't come down to Cornwall; the men are all right,
+five of them."
+
+Now Fred had spent nearly all his school-holidays with me, and since we
+had been at Oxford he had been down for both vacs, so for him to write
+and say calmly that he had made arrangements to go on a wretched
+reading party and then to ask me in a postscript to join it, made me
+want to go to Oriel at once and speak to him.  But, fortunately, it was
+nearly eleven o'clock and I could not get out of college, so as Murray
+had gone back to his room I went along the passage to work off some of
+my agitation on him.  Murray, however, was one of those annoying men
+who know exactly when they have had enough of anybody, and I found his
+oak sported.  I beat upon it for some time without any result, and
+having told Murray my opinion of him in a voice loud enough to
+penetrate almost anything, I went back to my own rooms and sat down to
+write to Fred.  In the course of an hour I wrote and tore up several
+letters.  Some of them I intended to be dignified, some of them were
+abusive; in some I kept the cheque, but in most of them I sent it back;
+in one I enclosed it with the words, "you will find the cheque you were
+good enough to offer me;" that was the first I wrote, for I was quite
+incapable of even thanking him until the labours of the imposition
+which I had set myself began to tell upon me.
+
+I had just torn up the seventh letter, and after a desperate struggle
+whether I should begin the eighth "Dear Fred" or "Dear Foster" had
+compromised matters by writing "Dear F. F.," when Jade Ward began to
+yell my name down in the quad, and I went to the window at once and
+told him to shut up.  For the Warden's house was in the back quad, and
+although I was pleased to think the Warden my friend I knew he always
+slept with his window open, because he had told me so in a very great
+outburst of confidence, and I did not want my wretched name to break in
+upon his night's rest.  I had not got so many dons on my side that I
+could afford to make the Warden angry; besides, I really liked him, and
+he was always nice to me, though he did tell the Bishop in the Easter
+vac that, until I lost a certain exuberance of animal spirits, any
+credit I did to the college would be more physical than intellectual.
+But I did not bear him any grudge for that, because he could not help
+using long phrases, and if he had just said that I liked athletics I
+should have been rather pleased, which was what he really meant, only
+the Bishop did not think so.
+
+I shoved the fragments of my letters into a drawer, and when Jack Ward
+came in I said I was going to bed.  The sight of him reminded me of
+Nina, and to think of Nina gave me a headache.  I had never imagined it
+possible that I should find it difficult to manage her, and here she
+was at the bottom of all my troubles.  As I stood in my room and looked
+at Jack sitting in my most comfortable chair, the reason why Fred had
+written that note suddenly occurred to me.  Of course she was the
+reason, and leaving Jack to amuse himself I sat down and wrote another
+note; but when I read it through it seemed as hopeless as the others,
+so I tore it up, and having no more note-paper I decided to see Fred in
+the morning.  Then I went into my bedroom and began to undress noisily,
+so that Jack might know what I was doing, but he gave a huge snore just
+as I was ready to go to bed and I had to throw a cushion at his head.
+
+"Turn the lamp out, when you go," I said, and I got into bed.  I left
+the door partly open, because my room wanted all the air it could get,
+and I heard him waking up slowly and stretching himself.  After that he
+attacked a soda-water syphon until it gave a protesting gurgle.
+
+"I've found the whisky, but you don't seem to have any soda," he called
+to me, but I pretended that I was asleep.  However, he ransacked my
+cupboard until he found another syphon, and then he came and sat on my
+bed.  I told him I was very tired, because I had not forgotten the last
+time he had invaded me in this way, and two doses of talking about love
+would be a trial to any man.
+
+"I wanted to talk to you, only you were so busy, and then I went to
+sleep," he began.
+
+"Well, cut it short, it must be nearly one o'clock."
+
+"Your people have asked me to stay with them in the vac, and I want to
+know what time would suit you best."
+
+He had cut it far too short to suit me, and I asked him not to sit on
+my foot, which he was not sitting upon, so that I could think for a
+moment.  Then I turned my face to the wall.  But I brought myself round
+pretty quickly, and felt very displeased with Jack.  Things were much
+worse than I thought they were, if he could throw away all decency and
+simply insist on coming.  Had I wanted him I should have asked him.
+
+"I had a letter from Mrs. Marten this morning, asking me to settle the
+time with you," he said.
+
+"Any time will suit me," I answered, "except that I may go away with a
+reading party, and I am afraid you will find it most awfully slow."
+
+"I shan't find it slow," he asserted with conviction.
+
+"There's nothing much to do except loll about," I said.
+
+"That will suit me down to the ground," he said, and I turned over once
+more.  It isn't much good talking to a man who confesses that he likes
+lolling about; but I thought I would make things out as bad as possible.
+
+"We do nothing but slack down there," I said; "there's not much
+cricket, and we only keep one fat cob, which is a sort of
+horse-of-all-work."
+
+"Got a river?"
+
+"A sort of glorified brook."
+
+"And a boat?"
+
+I had to say that we had a boat, but I explained that it was very old.
+
+"That's all right," he said most cheerfully, and I believe he would
+have been pleased if I had told him that we lived in a barn with
+several holes in the roof.
+
+He was beginning to think it was time for him to go to bed, when I
+heard somebody else blunder into my sitter, and in a moment Lambert
+appeared at the door.  Now Lambert, who was only gorgeous by day,
+frequently became aggressive at night, and I told him to clear out
+jolly quickly.  But instead of doing what he was wanted to he lit a
+huge cigar, and began smoking the thing in my bedder.  He also made a
+number of stupid remarks about my personal appearance, and though I
+hate getting out of bed when once I am comfortable I really could not
+put up with the man, for he compared me to several people, ancient and
+modern, who suffered from various defects.  Jack Ward told him several
+forcible things, but he went on insulting me, and then cackled as if he
+had made a joke.  So at last I hopped out of bed, and he, escaping from
+my bedder, continued to cackle in the next room; I just stopped to put
+on a pair of shoes, and then I went after him; he ran down the dark
+staircase as hard as he could, and I, anxious to give him one kick, for
+the sake of honour, pursued him.  Both of us got safely to the bottom
+of the stairs, and I fairly raced him across the back quad, but just as
+we were going into the front one Lambert stopped suddenly and doubled
+back, while I was running so furiously that I did not turn quickly
+enough, and before I could follow him I saw another man standing in
+front of me with a little straggly beard and great big spectacles.  We
+looked at each other, and then I gave up thinking about Lambert and
+walked back to my rooms; there was a horrid wind, and I shivered in my
+pyjamas as I went back to my staircase.  Lambert seemed to have
+disappeared altogether, but I met Jack striking matches and groping his
+way down.
+
+"Did you catch him?" he asked.
+
+"Just like my luck," I answered.  "I met the Subby."
+
+"What's he doing at this time of night?"
+
+"That's what he will ask me to-morrow if he recognized me.  There
+wasn't much light."
+
+"He ought to have been in bed."
+
+"I don't believe dons ever go to bed," I replied.  "Give me a match, so
+that I can get up without breaking my neck."
+
+The next morning Lambert came round while I was at breakfast.  He was
+full of apologies and hopes that the Subby had not recognized me.
+
+"He told me that he sleeps so badly, that he often gets up in the
+middle of the night and takes a walk," he said, without the slightest
+regard for truth.
+
+"Then there is no reason why I shouldn't take a run if I like," I
+replied.
+
+"But you were shouting," he said, as if he wished I had not been.
+
+"I'm a somnambulist, only I somnambulate faster than most people."
+
+"I'm afraid that won't wash," he said, and he started striding up and
+down my room until he found he was always coming to a wall, and then he
+stopped in front of the looking-glass, and stared earnestly at himself.
+"Can't we think of anything better than that?" he asked.
+
+"Doesn't your own face help you?" I asked, and he turned round slowly.
+
+"One of my front teeth has got a chip off it," he said.
+
+"By Jove!" I answered, for Lambert both the last thing at night and the
+first thing in the morning, was too much for me.
+
+"But about the Subby?"
+
+"He hasn't sent for me yet.  Just poke your head out of the door and
+yell for Clarkson; yell, don't think you are singing."
+
+He did yell, and I had breakfast cleared away.
+
+"I am afraid he must have seen you if you saw him," he went on, and the
+bulk of the man seemed to cover up all my mantelpiece.
+
+"Get out of the light, I want some matches," I said.  "Perhaps he saw
+you."
+
+"No, I caught a glimpse of his beard coming round the corner."
+
+"I wish men wouldn't come and talk rot to me in the middle of the
+night."
+
+"I have apologized for that; of course I shall tell the Subby it was my
+fault."
+
+"You are a big enough fool to do anything," I retorted, but he only
+smiled at me, and after helping himself to a cigarette he went away.
+
+About half-past ten I got a wretched notice from the Subby to say he
+wished to see me at one o'clock, and I decided to stay in my rooms to
+work, and not to go round to Oriel until the afternoon.  My work
+however, was sadly interrupted, for as soon as I had really settled
+down, and I settle down slowly, Dennison came in to condole with me
+about my bad luck, but when I told him that I had got to go to the
+Subby I caught him grinning, which exasperated me.  So he soon
+disappeared, and then Jack Ward came, and after he had gone I went and
+had a talk with Murray.  I have never known a morning go so quickly.
+
+I had scarcely looked at the Subby's notice when I got it, for I only
+read the time I was to go to him, and then shoved the card into my
+pocket; but at one o'clock I went off to see him, wondering how I could
+explain matters best.  On my way across the front quad I met Lambert
+and Dennison lounging about arm-in-arm; they wished me luck, and I told
+them to go to blazes.  I simply hate men who can't stand without
+propping themselves up, the one against the other.
+
+I knocked at the Subby's door without having made up my mind why I had
+been running about in pyjamas at one o'clock in the morning; the
+somnambulist tale did all right to annoy Lambert, but I was not such an
+idiot as to try it on a don.  I had to knock twice before he told me to
+come in, and when he saw me he only said "good-morning."  So I said
+"good-morning" and waited.
+
+"What is it?" he asked, when he discovered that I did not want to go to
+some impossible place because my teeth ached, or my great-aunt wanted
+me.
+
+"You sent for me," I said.
+
+"No," and he shook his head until a lock of hair fell over his forehead.
+
+"At one o'clock."
+
+"I didn't send for you."
+
+"I have the notice in my pocket," and I took it out and looked at it.
+Then I saw that some one had been scratching at the top of the card,
+but they had done it very neatly.
+
+"Some one has been having a joke with you," he said, and he smiled as
+if he thought it a better joke than I did.
+
+"They will be watching for me to come out," I said, and I took my
+courage in my two hands.
+
+"I suppose they will," he answered, "but I don't want to know their
+names."
+
+"I didn't mean that," I replied.
+
+"What did you mean?" he asked, and I thought he was behaving splendidly.
+
+"I wish you would ask me to lunch if you aren't engaged," I said, "and
+then they will have to wait for longer than they bargained."
+
+"Of course," he answered, "they certainly deserve to wait."
+
+I enjoyed that meal very much, the Subby only wanted knowing a little
+and then he became quite a good sort, and I think he was amused at a
+fresher calmly asking himself to luncheon with him, but it ought to
+have shown that I had a certain amount of confidence in him, for even I
+could not have asked myself to a meal with Mr. Edwardes.  I doubt,
+however, if he ever thought of it in that light, for he had been Subby
+for five rather troubled years, and had so much to do with dealing with
+men who did things they ought not to have done, that he could have had
+no time to wonder why they did them.
+
+We began by condemning practical jokes, which was very tactful of him;
+he said that he knew only one good practical joke, and that was played
+upon himself, but he would not tell me what it was though I promised
+that I would never try it on anybody.  Then we talked about all sorts
+of things, until I had been with him nearly an hour, and the
+conversation was inclined to droop.
+
+"Do you sleep very badly?" I asked, because I had heard several dodges
+for getting rid of insomnia, and I should like to have done something
+for him.
+
+He blinked at me for an instant, and I think he was wondering what I
+was driving at, for I suppose it would not do for a Subby to sleep too
+soundly.  "I am thankful to say I have never been troubled with
+sleeplessness," he said, and he looked rather drowsy at that moment.
+
+"Some men do tell the most awful lies," I meant to say to myself, but
+somehow or other I said it much louder than I intended.
+
+But he took no notice, and after thanking him very much I left him,
+feeling that I had another ally; but it is never prudent to reckon upon
+a man who has to look after the conduct of the college, he gets worried
+and then does not understand things quite right.
+
+Lambert's head was poking out of Learoyd's window as I went back
+through the front quad, and thinking that I might as well get this
+thing finished off at once, I ran up-stairs and found Dennison and him
+in possession of Learoyd's rooms.
+
+"Much of a row?" Dennison said, with a kind of sickly sarcastic smile
+which meant that he had scored off me pretty badly.
+
+"Row?" I asked.
+
+"Was the Subby furious?"
+
+"I have been lunching with him," I answered; "I hope your lunch was not
+spoilt by waiting for me to come out."
+
+They did not know what to say to this, so Dennison went on smiling and
+Lambert stroked his upper lip with one finger.
+
+"You were nicely scored off," Dennison said at last.
+
+"I had a jolly good lunch," I replied.
+
+"Dennison doesn't make a bad Subby, and I imitate his writing pretty
+well," Lambert said.
+
+"The Subby himself must decide that, when he finds out who was ass
+enough to buy a beard like his."
+
+This reduced them to silence again, until Lambert said that he did not
+see how anybody could find out.
+
+"The Subby is much more wide-awake than you think.  I wouldn't care to
+be in Dennison's place, he has just done the one thing which dons can't
+stand.  However, the Subby is a rare good sort, and I shouldn't wonder
+if he let the thing drop, especially as it is the end of term," I said.
+
+"You looked fairly sick this morning," Dennison remarked, but he was
+more vicious and less smiling than he had been at the beginning.
+
+"You took me in all right," I acknowledged, "and I hope you won't hear
+any more about it."
+
+"What did you tell the Subby?" he asked.
+
+"Not much," and if he was fool enough to think that there was any
+chance of the Subby trying to find out anything, I thought I had better
+leave him to his doubts, so I went round to my rooms, and having got a
+straw-hat, I started off to see Fred; and fortunately I found him at
+Oriel trying to make his cricket-bag hold more things than it was meant
+to hold.  He did not look particularly pleased to see me, but I have
+never yet met a man who can pack and be in a good temper at the same
+time.
+
+"Where are you off to?" I asked, for there were still some days before
+the end of the term.
+
+"I am going to Brighton to-night with Henderson."
+
+"How did you manage to get leave?"
+
+"We have both been seedy, and Rushden wanted us to go before we play
+Surrey again.  In my last three innings I've made seven runs, and I
+should think Rushden begins to wish he had never given me my blue.  I
+don't feel as if I should ever make another run."
+
+"Your dons must be good sorts," I said.
+
+"They're all right," he answered, and he sat down in a chair by the
+window and looked so unlike himself that I knelt down on the floor and
+took everything out of the bag.  Then I packed my best, which must have
+been worse than anybody else's except Fred's, and when I had finished,
+though the bag still bulged and was not a thing to be proud of, it did
+not bulge so very badly; at any rate Fred said it would do, but when I
+looked at him again I forgot entirely that I had intended to be angry
+with him.
+
+"What's the matter?" I asked.
+
+"Nothing to speak of.  I've had a cold and a headache, and just rotten
+little things like that.  Brighton will cure me," but he didn't speak
+as if he cared whether it did or not.
+
+"You've got to come to us directly that reading party is over or I
+won't have this cheque, and if I don't take the cheque I shall be in an
+awful hole," I said, for I can't lead up to things.
+
+"I would very much rather not come," he answered.
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know," he said, and then he got up and gave the bag a kick
+which, landing on a bat, hurt his toe.  "You're the best fellow in the
+world, Godfrey, but you don't understand."
+
+"There is something odd the matter with you, or you wouldn't say that.
+We don't say things like that to each other."
+
+"Won't you come down to Cornwall?"
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Is Ward going to stay with you?"
+
+"My people have asked him."
+
+"And is he going?"
+
+"He seems to think he is.  I told him the boat was rotten and the cob
+fat, and that there was nothing on earth to do," I added most stupidly,
+but I had no idea then that any one could really be troubled by things
+which had never affected me in the least.
+
+"And he is going all the same," Fred said, and he did not look a bit
+more cheerful.
+
+So I sat forward in my chair and talked to him.  It does not matter
+what I said, but I kept clear of Nina, and told him my people would be
+desperately sick with him, which made him uncomfortable, because he and
+my mother liked each other very much.  I also told him that he was
+treating me badly; but I soon had to drop that, because he did not seem
+to think that it would make any difference how he behaved to me.
+However, I stirred him up, and if ever a man wanted stirring up he did;
+so at last he promised that he would come to us in September and stay
+until the end of the vac, if he was wanted.  I told him that if no one
+else wanted him I always should; but this remark did not appear to
+cheer him up at all, and I began to think he must be bilious.  I know
+that whenever I had a cold at one of my private schools, the wife of
+the head-master always said it came from eating too much.  But she was
+a curious woman with a large imagination, and when I wouldn't eat
+boiled rice and rhubarb-jam she told me that it was rice that made the
+niggers such fine men; this, however, did not have the effect upon me
+which she desired, for I was only eight years old, and had got an idea
+that if I agreed to eat rice I should become black.  That lady has made
+me think ever since that from whatever cause an illness comes it is
+never from over-eating.
+
+So I soon rejected the theory of Fred being bilious, though any reason
+for his unfitness except Nina would have been welcome.  After a few
+minutes spent in the unsatisfactory pursuit of finding out that my
+batting average for St. Cuthbert's was 2.4, which I discovered not for
+my own gratification but to please Fred, Henderson came in, looking
+more freckled than ever and not in the least ill.
+
+"You have got to come to Cornwall with us, hasn't he?" he said at once.
+
+"The brute won't come," Fred said.
+
+"You will have to; you know all the men, and they all want you to come.
+We will have a rare good time--only Fred and Hawkins have to work hard,
+the rest of us are not going to do much."
+
+"I have to work all the vac," I said sorrowfully, and Fred, who had
+smiled at my average, began to laugh once more, and he really seemed to
+be much more cheerful when I saw him and Henderson off at the station,
+than he had been earlier in the afternoon.
+
+The last few days of the term were terribly dull, because some of us
+had to do collections, and my papers did not altogether please Mr.
+Edwardes.  I promised again that I would do a lot of work in the vac;
+but Jack Ward arranged that he would come down and stay with us
+directly after the 'Varsity match was over, and I could not be expected
+to allow him to loll in a boat and play the fool without restraint.
+
+I had not been at home in June for years, and June is the month in
+which to see my mother's garden.  Everything went swimmingly for a day
+or two; Fred made a lot of runs against Sussex, and Henderson--whose
+blue was very uncertain--made seventy-six.  I was enormously pleased,
+and suggested at dinner that we should all go up to town to see Fred
+play in the 'Varsity match.  My father and mother were rather delighted
+with the idea, and said they would go if Nina cared to come with us.
+
+"It's the middle of the season," I said promptly, for I suppose I was
+getting artful.
+
+"I would rather not go," Nina said decidedly, "but do take Godfrey up
+with you."
+
+"I shan't leave you here by yourself," my mother answered.
+
+"It's a pity Miss Read has gone," I put in, and Nina looked very
+savagely across the table at me.
+
+"You had better go up by yourself," my father said.
+
+"Don't you want to see Fred playing in his first 'Varsity match--you
+came up in December to see me play?" I asked Nina.
+
+But she simply went on eating her fish as if I had not spoken, and I
+wished again that Miss Read had not left us.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON
+
+There is not much room for a feud in a small family, and, thank
+goodness, I did not belong to a large one.  Collier had five brothers
+and four sisters, some of whom were never on speaking terms with the
+others except at Christmas or a birthday when, from habit, they
+declared a truce.  "The truce is no good," Collier said to me when he
+told me about it, "because the only thing which happens is that they
+change sides.  I believe they pick up."  "What happens to you?" I
+asked.  "Oh, I'm neutral, a sort of referee, and have a worse time than
+anybody," he replied, and I was glad that fate had not decreed that I
+should be born into the Collier family.
+
+I am sure that had I been able to find any one else to talk to, I
+should have left Nina alone after she had refused to go to the 'Varsity
+match.  It would have been a great effort, but I thought that Nina was
+going out of her way to be particularly horrid, and she liked talking
+as much as I did.  Silence, an air of offended dignity, the sort of
+not-angry-but-very-sorry business, would have been a heavy punishment
+for her if I could only have inflicted it, but when my father and
+mother were engaged there was often nobody, except Nina, to ask to do
+anything.  So after wasting one beautiful afternoon I decided that the
+best thing I could do was to come to a plain understanding with her.
+
+Fortified by my idea, but at the same time rather nervous, because I
+knew that unless you are a master and the other person happens to be a
+boy it is much easier to talk about a plain understanding than to
+arrive at it, I strolled on to the lawn, and after taking a circuitous
+route I sat down by Nina.  I had got her at a disadvantage because she
+was reading a book which my mother had said was good for her, and if I
+sat there long enough and bounced a tennis-ball up and down in front of
+me I knew she was bound to talk.  For some reason or other I did not
+feel like beginning, and this disinclination did not come from
+chivalry, but I must confess from fear, Nina being armed with all sorts
+of weapons which if I had possessed I should not have known how to use.
+
+"You seem to be very busy," she said after I had bounced my ball up and
+down two hundred and eleven times without missing it.  I took no notice
+of that remark except to count out loud.  "Twelve, thirteen, fourteen"
+I went on carefully, and when I was half-way through fifteen she threw
+her hat at the ball and, by a miracle, hit it.
+
+"You are as big a baby now as you were ten years ago," she said.
+
+"I only wish you were," I answered, and threw the ball away from me.
+
+"So that I might everlastingly fetch and carry for you and Fred," she
+replied quickly.
+
+"That isn't true," I retorted; "at least if it is true of me it isn't
+of Fred.  He always treats you well."
+
+"You will talk to me about Fred until I shall positively hate him."
+
+"I want to talk about him now," I said.
+
+"Of course you do, he is your favourite topic of conversation," and
+really I believe she knew that if she attacked me I should forget to
+talk about Fred.
+
+"You don't seem to see what a friend he is of mine," I answered.
+
+"If I liked all the friends of every one I know, I should never have
+any time to do anything else."
+
+"You forget that I happen to be your brother," I said, but I might have
+known better than to make such a remark, for she seemed to think it was
+amusing.
+
+"Sometimes you are quite delicious," she returned, and I began to feel
+that we were as far off a plain understanding as we had ever been.
+
+"Look here, Nina, you are beginning to give yourself airs, and it is
+time some one told you," I began desperately.  "You will be known as a
+nice girl gone wrong; you were nice once, and now you talk as if you
+know a lot of people and try to make out you are about twice as old as
+you really are.  It won't do, it really won't; what's the good of
+pretending things, it's such a waste of time?"
+
+She looked away from me when I had finished, and I had not the vaguest
+idea how she would reply, but at any rate she did not laugh.
+
+"You are really serious for once," she said half questioningly.
+
+"I often try to be serious, only no one ever suspects it," I answered,
+unable to keep myself out of it.
+
+"But you are always one-sided."
+
+I very nearly said that I had only spoken for her good, but managed to
+stop myself, because no one ever believes you when you say it.
+Besides, it would have annoyed her, so I was silent.
+
+"You see you have not got much older, and I have.  I couldn't bounce a
+ball up and down two hundred and thirteen times now."
+
+Again I used abstinence and stopped myself from telling her that she
+could never have done it, for she was quite solemn, and I thought we
+were getting at something.  I hoped, too, that we should get it
+quickly, for a tired feeling was creeping over me.
+
+"You are only eighteen," I said.
+
+"I am nineteen next week," she answered, and I knew that she meant this
+both as a rebuke and a reminder.
+
+"That's not very old."
+
+"It's old enough for me to know that you and I will never quarrel about
+trifles," she said.
+
+"Then will you come to the 'Varsity match?" I asked.
+
+"You don't think the 'Varsity match a trifle, do you?"
+
+"I'm not going to sit here and quibble; you're too clever altogether,"
+I said, and I got up and wondered in which direction there was most to
+do, but Nina stood up, too, and put her hand through my arm.
+
+"Let us go for a walk by the river before dinner," she said, and after
+asking what good she thought that would do I went.
+
+"My dear Godfrey, you are simply splendid," she went on, "the dearest
+old bungler I know.  You remind me of the Faulkners' ostrich, which
+goes on tapping at the window when it has been opened and there is
+nothing to tap at."
+
+I did not know what she meant, and if that ostrich had not been rather
+a friend of mine I should have been insulted.  As it was I did not feel
+pleased.
+
+"You will spend your life running your head against brick walls," she
+continued.
+
+"I am not going down to the river if you are going to preach to me,"
+but we were already half-way there.  "What about the 'Varsity match?"
+
+"You don't understand things, Godfrey."
+
+"Fred has told me that already," I said sulkily.
+
+"Oh, has he?" she replied, and I saw that I had stumbled upon something
+which made her think.  We sat down by the river and did not speak to
+each other for a long time, and when Nina broke the silence her mood
+had changed completely.  She cajoled me; I think that must have been
+what she did, and I was weak enough to like it.  It was so nice to have
+me home again; we were going to have a splendid time together, we
+always had been together; Mrs. Faulkner said Oxford spoiled so many men
+at first, it made them prigs; but there was no chance of me becoming a
+prig, I was just the best sort of brother in the world, because when I
+did meddle in other people's business I hated doing it, and did it all
+wrong; in the future she would try to do everything to please me, for
+she was never happy unless I was.  As regards my digestion, I certainly
+must have resembled the Faulkners' ostrich, for I swallowed all this;
+and when we had walked back home I felt as if my attempt to come to an
+understanding had not been a failure.
+
+When, however, I thought over what she had said I was not so pleased,
+for I began to see that if the summer was to be splendid and I was not
+to be called a prig I must give up the idea of taking her to the
+'Varsity match.  In fact, in ten minutes I had come to the conclusion
+that I had been made a fool of, but no one could expect me to begin the
+thing all over again.  I made a resolution then, which is worth
+recording because I kept it, that I would never tackle Nina again about
+my friends; she was too much for me, I acknowledged to myself, and
+apart from determining that she should at least behave decently to
+Fred, I made up my mind to keep clear of things which seemed altogether
+out of my line.
+
+It was arranged finally that I should go alone to town for the 'Varsity
+match, and should bring Jack Ward back with me.  My mother said I must
+stay with the Bishop, and if she had not wanted me to go very much I
+think I should have found a number of reasons why I had better stay
+with him at some other time.  For though the Bishop in the country had
+made himself quite pleasant, I had a sort of feeling that he had his
+eye on me and that this visit would be one of inspection.  My
+reluctance was apparent to Nina, and one evening she mentioned it
+before dinner.
+
+"I don't see what there is to be afraid of.  Think of him as an uncle,"
+she said.
+
+"I am not afraid of a hundred bishops," I answered.
+
+"Then you needn't be nervous about going to stay with half one, because
+he's only a suffragan."
+
+"You shouldn't speak of your uncle in that way, Nina," my mother said.
+"It makes no difference whether he is an archbishop or a curate, but I
+won't have him spoken of as if he is a fraction."
+
+"Godfrey used to hate him, at any rate," she replied, simply to create
+a diversion.
+
+"I am sure he didn't," and my mother's eyes turned questioningly upon
+me.
+
+"I did rather bar him at one time until he was decent in the summer, he
+used to think himself so funny," I explained.
+
+"I wish you would talk English," my father said.  "Dinner is already a
+quarter of an hour late, I am going into the dining-room."  He marched
+off quickly and Nina began to laugh, but I think she must also have
+been a little ashamed of herself.
+
+"I am a scapegoat for everybody," I said to her; "for you, the cook,
+and the gardener's boy, whose whistle is always mistaken for mine."
+
+"Never mind," she answered, "you don't look very depressed."
+
+"It isn't fair, all the same; you don't play the game," and as my
+mother had already gone into the dining-room to sit rebukefully at a
+foodless table I followed her.
+
+These solemn waitings, which did not happen unfrequently, were comical
+to me, and since my father never could understand why Nina and I were
+amused at them, he had generally forgotten his original grievance
+before dinner began.
+
+When I got to London I could not help being struck by the difference
+between a bishop at work and a bishop at play.  The chief impression I
+got of my uncle was of a man most strenuously at labour; if he wanted
+to lecture me he never had time to do it, and nearly the first thing he
+said was that I was to do exactly as I liked, and he gave me a
+latch-key so that I might feel that I was a bother to nobody.  He was
+so extraordinarily kind and simple that I wondered how on earth it was
+that I had really hated him at one time, for I had hated him quite
+honestly, and I came to the conclusion that as soon as he had ceased to
+be a pompous humorist he had become a very nice man.  At any rate he no
+longer made jokes, and I never had been able to think them good ones,
+because those which I remembered had been nearly always directed at me.
+
+The 'Varsity match was a complete failure owing to the weather, and was
+never likely to be finished.  Fred made fifteen in the one Oxford
+innings, and as the whole side made under a hundred, he didn't do so
+badly.  But I think Cambridge might have won if the game had been
+played out, so when it poured with rain on the third day, I did not
+mind very much, apart from the fact that Lord's in wet weather is a
+terribly dismal place.  I went back about one o'clock to my uncle's
+house and having found a huge London directory, I hunted for the name
+of Owen.  I soon found an address in Victoria Street, which seemed to
+be the one for which I was looking.  "Professor of Gymnastics, Boxing
+and Fencing" was pretty well bound to be right, and in the afternoon I
+started off to find Owen.
+
+I wanted to ask him to come and stay with us as soon as Jack Ward had
+gone, and I had already told my mother about his illness, though I had
+never mentioned the life-saving tale.  I had often wanted to ask my
+father what really happened, only having made a promise, I had got to
+stick to it, and I wished I had never been fool enough to make it; it
+seemed to be making a lot of fuss about nothing.  But, if I could
+persuade Owen to come, the whole thing would have to be cleared up, and
+I thought being in the country would do him so much good, that the
+Professor would make him come whether he wanted to or not.  I did not
+know quite what my father would say when he heard all about Owen, for
+in some ways he belonged to what, I believe, is called "the old
+school," and clung tenaciously to the belief that there was not a
+Radical yet born who did not work night and day for the destruction of
+the British Empire.  We never talked politics at home, though sometimes
+we listened to a lecture.  But, as Owen said that he would never have
+lived if it had not been for my father, they ought, I imagined, to have
+a sort of friendly feeling for each other, though I cannot say that I
+felt any great confidence in this idea.  I relied more on the fact that
+as soon as you had removed the crust from my father, you found a huge
+lot of kindness underneath it.  He liked to complain, and some people,
+who knew him very slightly, thought he liked nothing else, but they
+were most hopelessly wrong.
+
+My chief recollection of that walk along Victoria Street is that my
+umbrella was constantly bumping into other umbrellas; I must have tried
+to walk too fast, and the result was that by the time I reached the
+Professor's, I was hot and splashed, and my umbrella had a large rent
+in it.  The door of the house was open, and I saw a notice hanging on
+the side of the wall which told me to walk up-stairs.  What I was to do
+when I had walked up-stairs puzzled me, so I went back into the street,
+and having rung a bell as a sort of announcement that some one was
+coming, I went up slowly.  The house seemed to be full of stuffiness
+and gloom, so much so that had I been unable to find either the
+Professor or his son, I should not have been at all sorry.  I was,
+however, met on the first landing by a servant who must have been
+cleaning a grate when I interrupted her.  Her hair was straying over
+her face, and as she stood waiting for me to explain my business, she
+tried to arrange it properly, but she only succeeded in putting two
+large streaks of black upon her nose and forehead.
+
+"I want to see Professor Owen," I said untruthfully.
+
+"'E's porely this afternoon."
+
+"Never mind," I replied quickly, "is Mr. Owen in--his son?"
+
+"'E don't live 'ere, 'e lives at West-'Am with 'is ornt."
+
+"Would you give me his address, I won't interrupt the Professor if he
+is not well?"
+
+"Who may you be, I don't remember your fice?"
+
+"I know Mr. Owen at Oxford, I have never been here before."
+
+She laughed for a moment and then said she should have to ask the
+Professor for the address, but just as I was going to say I would write
+and ask him to forward my letter, a door opened on my right, and an
+enormous man in a blue pair of trousers and a flannel shirt came out
+into the passage.
+
+"This gent wants Mr. 'Ubert's address," the servant said, and
+disappeared very quickly up another flight of stairs.
+
+"Are you the Professor?" I asked.
+
+"That's me."
+
+I held out my hand, but the passage was dark and his attempt to get
+hold of it went wide.
+
+"Will you come into my room?  Business, I suppose?"
+
+I said it was business, and walked into a small sitting-room, which
+seemed to be furnished principally with a table, a big arm-chair, and
+empty bottles.
+
+"I'm cleaning up a bit to-day, you must excuse the bottles," he said,
+and put his hands on the table.  I would have excused everything if
+only the room had not been so dreadfully close, and I stood while the
+Professor looked at the bottles and finally picked one up and put it
+down again in the same place.  Then, as if the exertion was too much
+for him, he sank with a thud into the chair.
+
+"You aren't well, I am afraid."
+
+"No," he answered, "not at all well; damp heat always affects my head."
+
+I sat down on a box labelled "soda-water" and looked at him.  My first
+impression of him had been one of huge strength, my second was one of
+flabbiness, and no one could help guessing the reason.  Everything
+about him was huge except his eyes, and they might have been had I been
+able to see what they were like, but all I could see was the puffiness
+beneath them, and that was enough to make me wish I had never come.  I
+stared at him for some time, but he did not speak, and at last he began
+to breathe so heavily that I had to interrupt him.  "I say, Professor,"
+I began, and he jumped up and began to rub his eyes.  Then he sat down
+again and putting his elbows on his knees looked at me as if he was
+trying to remember what brought me there.
+
+"This is my afternoon off," he said; "I have no pupils until to-morrow
+at ten o'clock, and then I give a fencing-lesson to the Honourable Mr.
+Bostock.  Perhaps you know him?"
+
+I said that I did not, and I thought the Professor was a snob.
+
+"What can I do for you?  Fencing or boxing?  I trained Ted Tucker years
+ago--you remember Ted Tucker, the Bermondsey Bantam as they called him?
+My eye, he was a hot 'un with his fists."
+
+I had never heard of Ted Tucker, and said so.
+
+"You don't seem to know anybody," he replied, and for the life of me I
+could not help laughing.
+
+"Look here, young man, I'm not going to be laughed at.  I may have my
+little weakness, but I keep my self-respect, and I'd like you to
+remember that, if you can remember anything.  Who are you, I've asked
+you that before, and where did you come from?"  He glared angrily in my
+direction and I did not like the look of him at all.
+
+"I came to see your son," I answered; "I don't want to fence or box,
+but his address."
+
+His manner changed at once.  "Are you from Oxford?" he asked.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And you call on my afternoon off, that's most unlucky."  He talked all
+right but his legs were uncertain, and when he stood up he found the
+mantelpiece useful.  "Rheumatism, I'm a martyr to it," he said.
+
+"Very painful," I remarked, and got off my soda-water case.
+
+"Don't get up, it's passing off.  If you're from Oxford, I must put on
+a coat and collar.  Would you oblige me with your name?"
+
+"Godfrey Marten," I said.
+
+"Colonel Marten's son?  Here, sit in this chair.  I must put on two
+coats," and he made a most gurgly kind of sound which must have meant
+that he was amused with himself.  Then he looked towards the door as if
+wondering whether he could reach it.
+
+"Please don't put on anything for me," I said, and I took his arm and
+directed him back to the chair.
+
+"Your father saved my life, and you're the very image of him.  It's
+enough to upset an old man like me," and without the slightest warning
+tears began to roll down his checks.
+
+"Cheer up," I said, for I felt very uncomfortable.
+
+"And you'll go and tell him that you found me--that you called on my
+afternoon off."
+
+"I shan't," I said stoutly.
+
+"And you've been a good friend to Hubert."
+
+"That's nothing; I want his address in West Ham."
+
+"Don't say it's nothing, no deed of kindness was yet cast away in this
+world of sin," and two more tears began to roll.
+
+"Stop that kind of thing, I simply can't stand it.  Pull yourself
+together," I said, "and if you will give me his address I'll go."
+
+"Don't go, you must stay and have a cup of tea.  The Colonel, I hope
+he's well?"
+
+"He's all right; you write to him still, don't you?"
+
+"No, I never write to him."
+
+"Hubert told me you did."
+
+"He made a mistake.  The Colonel and I quarrelled, but you must never
+say a word.  I was treated badly, but I don't bear anybody any grudge,
+leastways not to the man who saved my life.  Hasn't he ever told you
+about it?"
+
+"Never."
+
+"That's like him, but he will never want to hear my name again; I
+should take it as a favour if you will not mention it."
+
+"Why shouldn't I?" I asked.
+
+He stood up again and was ever so much better.
+
+"I was misunderstood," he said.
+
+"How did you ever know anything about me?"
+
+"The gymnasium instructor at Cliborough is my brother-in-law.  He was
+in the old regiment.  He told me about you."
+
+"He taught me fencing," I said, and added, "But why did you want Hubert
+to see me?"
+
+"You do want to get to the bottom of things; would you like some tea?"
+
+I did not want any tea, but I asked if I might open the window, and
+then I took my case across the room and got some air.
+
+"It's right for every man to have one ambition," he said, in the way
+which made me loathe him.
+
+"What's yours?" I asked promptly.
+
+"That Hubert shall be a gentleman, that's why I wanted him to know you,
+only he's so shy----"
+
+"Good gracious!" was all I could exclaim, and it did not express my
+astonishment in the least.
+
+"You'd have done very well for my job if he'd only buttoned on to you."
+
+"He is not the kind of man to 'button on.'"
+
+"Don't you teach your grandfather to suck eggs," he said angrily.  "I
+like your impudence, but I'm busted if I can put up with it," but
+before I could answer him he was apologizing and shaking my hand most
+vigorously.
+
+At that moment Hubert opened the door, and both saw and heard what was
+happening.
+
+The Professor turned round quickly and forgot to drop my hand, with the
+result that I was pulled from my soda-water case on to the floor.
+
+"I thought," he gasped, "it was old Ally Sloper."
+
+I managed to escape from him and to stand up.  Hubert, however, did not
+say anything, but began to brush my coat with his hand.
+
+"Who is Ally Sloper?" I asked, for I began to think that the Professor,
+who was looking ashamed of himself, was a lunatic.
+
+"He's Mr. King, the man who helps me at Oxford, he dresses rather
+funnily," Hubert explained.
+
+"He bothers me when I am not well," the Professor added, but he did not
+seem certain what line to take and kept his back turned to both of us.
+
+"If you would only be well, he wouldn't bother you," Hubert said at
+once.
+
+"I am better than I used to be.  You know how the weather upsets me, I
+haven't had an afternoon off for six weeks.  Ask Emily," and when he
+turned round the tears were once more rolling down his cheeks, and I
+was desperately afraid that I was in for a regular scene.
+
+"You are nearly all right now," I said, "and I must be going if Hubert
+will walk a little way with me."
+
+He took my hand again and held it.  "You will not think very badly of
+an old man who has served his country," he said.
+
+"No, but I do think you ought to be----" and then I stopped.
+
+"What?"
+
+"It's no business of mine."
+
+"You are the son of the man who saved my life."
+
+"Oh don't," I replied, and a tear dropping plump on the back of my hand
+settled me.  "I was going to say ashamed of yourself."
+
+"To think that any one should say that in the presence of my son," he
+said, and dropped my hand.
+
+"I have said it a hundred times, but no one else has ever had the pluck
+to," Hubert put in.
+
+"Kick a worm when he doesn't turn," he said confusedly.
+
+"That's all rot," I answered, and something compelled me to walk up to
+him and tap him on the shoulder.  "You aren't a worm, and I wouldn't
+dare to kick you.  Wouldn't dare, do you see; you're a fine, big chap,
+why in heaven's name don't you pull yourself together?  I don't know
+much about it, but I'll bet it's worth it.  A man like you oughtn't to
+go crying like a baby."
+
+"No sympathy," he moaned.
+
+"Rot," I said again.  "I shall tell my uncle about you, he'll be a
+jolly useful friend."
+
+"What's he?"
+
+"A parson."
+
+"Two pennuth of tea and a tract.  No thanks," he shook his head
+decidedly.
+
+"He's not that kind.  A man isn't bound to be an ass because he is a
+parson."
+
+"You seem to have kind of taken charge of me," he said.
+
+"I don't mean any harm," and then, for it was no time for facts, I
+added, "I like you, you are an awfully good sort, really."
+
+"Me and the parson uncle," he said, and he gave a hoarse chuckle.  "We
+should do well in double harness.  I'd pull his head off in about ten
+minutes."
+
+"May I ask him to call on you?"
+
+"You'd better see what Hubert says.  I'm only a dummy."
+
+"A good big dummy," I answered, with the intention of taking myself off
+pleasantly.
+
+"Oh, be rude.  Trample on me, call me names," and then swelling out his
+chest and glaring at me, he added, "Hit me."
+
+"I shouldn't care to risk it," I returned, and asked Hubert, who had
+been walking aimlessly round the room, if he was ready.
+
+We left at last, and were pursued down-stairs by volleys of apologies.
+I had to stop twice and shout back that I was not offended and that I
+forgave everything, though from the way I had talked to him it struck
+me that he had about as much to forgive as I had.
+
+We walked towards Victoria without speaking, and when I did try to talk
+I was most horribly hoarse, I must have fairly shouted at the Professor.
+
+"My father's often like that after an afternoon off," Owen said
+presently.  "He's first angry and then apologetic, and in the end he's
+most horribly ashamed of himself.  Wednesday afternoon is his worst
+time, and I generally try to be with him and then he's all right, but I
+got stopped to-day.  He comes down to my aunt's on Sundays, though he
+hates it."
+
+"I believe he would like my uncle, he wouldn't jaw and cant."
+
+"Do as you like.  I've never thanked you, except in letters, for seeing
+me through that illness."
+
+"How are you now?"
+
+"All right; I feel as if I have been ill, that's all."
+
+"You've got to come down to Worcestershire," I said; "a fortnight there
+will do you more good than years of West Ham."
+
+"I can't do that," he answered at once.
+
+We turned into Victoria Station and sat down on a bench.  For some
+minutes I listened to his objections and answered them; in all my life
+I do not think I have ever been quite so sorry for any one, though I
+had sense enough not to tell him so.  I felt rather a brute when I left
+him; it seemed to me that I had been having a most splendid time
+without knowing it, while he had been having a very wretched one, but I
+can't keep on feeling a brute long enough for it to do me any good, if
+feeling a brute ever does any good.
+
+I overcame all Owen's objections, and I made him promise to come to
+Worcestershire, but as soon as I had time to think about it I wondered
+what on earth I should do with him when I had got him.  I could count
+on my mother as an ally.  I did not altogether know what my father
+would think, and Nina, as far as I was concerned, was represented by x
+in a problem to which no one had ever found an answer which was
+anything like right.
+
+The first thing to do, however, was to go for the Bishop, and I think I
+can say that I went for him at some length.  I didn't explain well, or
+he was very stupid, because he got dreadfully mixed up before he got
+the facts of the case clearly, and I can't say that he seemed
+altogether pleased when I told him that I had as good as promised that
+he would be a friend to the Professor.
+
+"As it is, I am rushed off my legs.  Who was it you said he had
+trained?"
+
+"Ted Tucker."  I had brought that in as a piece of local colour or
+whatever it is called, just to liven things up a bit, but I am afraid
+it was a mistake.
+
+"You see, I don't know anything about prize-fighters.  I did box once,
+but that's years ago."
+
+"Why, you're the very man," I exclaimed.  "He'd love you; he's not a
+bit more like a prize-fighter than he is like a Professor, he's more
+like a sort of prehistoric man in blue trousers and a shirt."
+
+But prehistoric men did not seem to appeal to my uncle any more than
+prize-fighters.  He looked very sombre indeed, so much so that I was
+quite impressed, but I had taken this job in hand and really had to see
+it through.  So I talked, and I won in the way all my few triumphs have
+been won, by talking until the other man wanted to go to bed.
+
+"I like your enthusiasm, Godfrey," he said at last, "and I wouldn't
+check it for the world.  I will do all I possibly can, both with the
+Professor and with your people.  But you can't persuade me that your
+father will like the son of a man, who has been dismissed from the army
+for some cause, to come down and stay with you."
+
+"Don't you tell that to anybody else," I said.  "Owen only told me this
+afternoon, he's only just found it out himself."
+
+"Are you going to tell your father all this?"
+
+"Everything except that the Professor gets drunk now, and you're going
+to stop that," I added cheerfully.
+
+"Oh, am I?" he answered, "I can't help wishing that it had not rained
+this afternoon and that you had been safely at Lord's."
+
+"Well you can't say that I've wasted my time."
+
+"You have got your hands too full, considering that you have promised
+to work this summer.  Don't forget you have got to work, we don't want
+any fourth in Mods," and then he wished me good-night, and on the next
+day I went home with Jack Ward, who had a most astounding lot of
+luggage.
+
+I am not going to describe my first summer vac at any length, because
+if I once began I should not have any idea when to stop, it was the
+kind of time which made gloomy people cheerful and cheerful people
+gloomy; silly, ridiculous things happened, and Mrs. Faulkner was at the
+bottom of most of them.  She even found a niece for me, but that came
+to nothing, for the niece was a very nice girl and in a week we
+understood each other beautifully.  She stayed a month with the
+Faulkners and thought of me as a brother, which was most satisfactory;
+sometimes, however, she treated me like one and then I was not so
+pleased.
+
+Jack Ward and Nina, in my opinion, behaved none too well; but my father
+liked Jack and my mother did not say much about him, which explains the
+whole thing.  He was always ready to do anything, and his only fault in
+my father's eyes was that he was never in time for breakfast.
+
+I was chiefly engaged during his visit in paving the way for Owen's.  I
+told my mother everything and wanted to tackle my father at once, but
+she said I must wait for a favourable opportunity.  I waited a whole
+week, and it had a most depressing effect on me, so I just walked into
+his study at last and got it over.  It happened to be a damp day,
+during which he had felt two twinges of lumbago, but he forgot those
+twinges before he had done with me.  I bore everything he said
+silently, because when he is in a furious rage in the beginning he
+tails off wonderfully at the end.  It seemed that he had a very low
+opinion of the Professor, and he declared emphatically that he was not
+going to have his house made into a sanatorium.  I listened to a crowd
+of disagreeable facts about my new friend, and my father declared that
+even the sight of his son would give him an attack of gout.  "It is
+true," he said, "that I did save his life, and he had, as far as that
+went, cause to be grateful, and he wasn't grateful but a disgrace to
+the regiment.  I want to forget all about the man and then you rake him
+up again, and you say that stupid uncle of yours, who plays cricket
+when he ought to be writing sermons, is going to be a friend to him.
+It's more than I can or will put up with," and he banged _The
+Nineteenth Century_ down on his writing-table so violently that he
+upset a vase of roses and some of the water went into his ink-pot.
+After that he was incoherent for a minute, and I, not knowing what to
+say, remarked that the Bishop could not be expected to write sermons
+during his holidays.
+
+"A bishop ought always to be writing sermons," was his only answer, and
+I guessed that his rage had reached its climax.  I tried to lower the
+flood on his table by means of my pocket-handkerchief, and waited.
+
+"What sort of a fellow is this son who pushes himself upon you in this
+way?  It's monstrous."
+
+"He's quiet and all right, and he has never pushed himself at all.  I
+made him promise to come; he didn't want to, only it's his chance to
+get well and he must take it.  You would have done the same thing."
+
+"What's he like?"
+
+"He's not exactly like any one else I know at Oxford, but----"
+
+"Of course he isn't."
+
+"I was going to say no one could possibly dislike him."
+
+"I suppose he will have to come, but I want you to understand that in
+future I insist on knowing whom you want to ask here before you ask
+them.  I am exceedingly annoyed, I shall go and see your mother."
+
+I went with him, as when I am about I generally manage to absorb most
+of his anger, but after a few outbursts my mother soothed him, and in
+the end he even gave a grim sort of smile when I said that unless he
+had saved the Professor there would have been no bother about his son.
+
+"Don't call that man a Professor," he said, "he's a humbug, he always
+was and always will be, and if it wasn't that I am sorry for a son who
+has such a father I wouldn't be talked over by you.  But you have given
+your uncle something to think about," and that idea sent him smiling to
+the window.
+
+One most splendid thing happened while Jack Ward was staying with us,
+for just before he was going away Nina fell into the river again and
+Jack was superb enough idiot to repeat his previous performance and
+jump in after her.  I met them trying to get into the house by a back
+way, and from the look of them I saw that they were feeling rather
+silly.  It is all very well to fall into one river, but when you start
+going overboard anywhere the thing becomes comical, and they fell from
+their high position as rescued and rescuer and had to put up with a
+good deal of wit, as we understood it at home.  I didn't say much,
+because Nina was better than I was at saying things, but whenever I saw
+her I gave way to fits of silent laughter.  I can't think how I thought
+of that dodge, it was so extraordinarily successful and so far above my
+average efforts, and as soon as I saw that it was working properly, I
+did not mind being called anything she liked.  And my father, being
+particularly well just then, helped me by what, I was determined to
+believe, were very humorous remarks.  Jack did not hear many of them,
+but the few he did hear must have upset him a little, for he tried to
+explain himself by saying that he would jump into anything to save a
+kitten, which from the look of Nina did not seem to satisfy her much.
+In the end I don't believe she was as sorry for Jack to go as I was.
+She could not stand being a family joke, and I, having suffered in that
+way many times, could have sympathized with her if I had not thought
+that it was much the best thing which could happen.
+
+I felt dull after Jack went, for he was the sort of man who does
+brighten up a place, and he was never by any chance bored; besides, I
+was wondering how I could make Owen enjoy himself, because the only
+thing I knew about him was that he did not care for any exercise except
+walking, and I hoped that he would be reasonable about the distances he
+wanted to go.
+
+However, the day before he was to come, Miss Read arrived, which was an
+idea of my mother's, and a very good one.  Miss Read had been Nina's
+governess for eight years, and she knew all of us better than we knew
+ourselves.  She was a kind of tonic when any of us were depressed, and
+a cooling draught when we were angry; in my case she had seldom been a
+tonic, but all the same when she had left us at Easter I was very
+sorry.  She was the only person I have ever seen of whom Nina was
+really afraid.  I am sure she could have told some funny tales if she
+had felt inclined.  She was supposed to be coming to see Nina, who was
+going to Paris in a few weeks to be "finished," but I am sure that my
+mother thought Owen would like her, and that she would like him.  And
+as it happened, they were both botanists and butterfly-catchers, at
+least Miss Read knew a lot about butterflies, though her time for
+catching them had gone by, and they were always doing things together.
+
+Worcestershire must certainly be a better place than West Ham for a
+botanist, and after Owen had got used to us I believe he enjoyed
+himself.  We worked together in the mornings, which pleased my father,
+and he let my mother give him as much medicine as she wanted to, which
+pleased her, and I feeling virtuous after reading every morning for
+nearly four hours, was very pleased with myself.  But he was in a
+mortal terror of Nina, though she really never gave him any cause to
+be, and made the most valiant efforts to learn the Latin names of
+plants.  Miss Read and he made excursions and grubbed about in hedges,
+and Nina and I often met them at some place to have tea.  It wasn't
+very exciting, for I had always to carry the kettle and the things to
+eat; but the sun shone most of the time, which was really a blessing,
+because on wet days Owen persuaded me to work in the afternoons as well
+as the mornings, and that was more than I had ever thought of doing in
+a vac.
+
+I suppose Owen was what is generally called a smug, but he was not one
+by choice but by compulsion, which is the best kind I should think.  He
+was so totally different from any other kind of friend I have ever had
+that I sometimes caught myself wondering whether I really liked him.
+But I could always satisfy myself about that, for there was one thing
+about him which no one could help liking; he was most tremendously
+clever and never tried to make out that he was, and having already seen
+plenty of people who were about as clever as I was, and who talked as
+if they were Solomon and Solon rolled into one, I was grateful to him.
+We got on very well together, though we had not got a single thing in
+common, except that we both liked sunshine; and that can't be said to
+be much, for I have only met one man in England who did not like the
+sun, and he had been affected, permanently, by too much of it.
+
+Men get blamed freely enough for putting on side about playing cricket
+and football well, and they deserve all they get, but the men who put
+on intellectual side ought, I think, to be spoken to more severely,
+because they get worse as they get older, while the first sort of side
+generally dies an early death.  Owen was a kind of encyclopaedia, who
+did not air or advertise himself, and I thought him a very rare
+specimen.  Athletics meant no more to him than botany or butterflies
+meant to me, but when he went away my father said emphatically that it
+was refreshing to think Oxford turned out some men who took interest in
+useful things.  I did not answer that remark, because he did not really
+know very much about Oxford, and his occasional hobby was that the
+country was being ruined by too many games.  "A very well-conducted
+young man," he said of Owen, "always up in the morning, and always
+ready to go to bed at night."
+
+"He looked much better when he went away than when he came," my mother
+said; "I hope we shall see him down here again."
+
+"I think he means to make a name for himself," Miss Read added; "he
+knows exactly what he wants."
+
+Nina yawned, and although I thought my father need not have described
+Owen as a well-conducted young man, I was thankful that his visit had
+passed off so well, and I said nothing.
+
+After Owen had gone away we had a fellow to stay with us out of my
+brother's regiment.  He was home on sick-leave, but had quite recovered
+from whatever had been the matter with him, and was as full of bounce
+as a tennis-ball.  Mrs. Faulkner loved him and wanted Nina to follow
+her example, as far as I could make out, for she gave a dance and a
+moonlight supper party on the river.  Mr. Faulkner, who was always more
+or less semi-detached, disappeared before the supper-party, which he
+told me was a midsummer madness.
+
+"There will be a mist and the food will be damp and horrid, and
+everybody will be wanting foot-warmers and hot-water bottles before
+they have done, you had better put on your thickest clothes and borrow
+my fur overcoat," he said to me.  And he was a true prophet, for Nina
+caught a violent cold in her head, which checked and really put a stop
+to a more violent flirtation.
+
+Nina went to Paris a few days after Fred came to us, and we all agreed
+that she would enjoy herself there, though I do not believe that any of
+us really thought she would.  As a matter-of-fact she was so home-sick
+that my mother would have gone to fetch her back if it had not been for
+Miss Read, who was blessed with much courage and common-sense.  Mrs.
+Faulkner tried her hardest to persuade my mother to bring Nina home
+again, and she came to our house and wept so much that I thought she
+was sure to win.  But Miss Read met tears with arguments, until Mrs.
+Faulkner stopped crying, and having lost her temper, forgot that Miss
+Read had not only been Nina's governess, but was also one of my
+mother's greatest friends.  So Nina stayed in Paris, and I wrote to her
+twice a week for a fortnight, but after that she began sending me
+messages in other people's letters, and I was sorry for her no longer.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD
+
+After Nina went to Paris Fred spent most of his time in trying to be
+cheerful, but for some days he looked as if he had lost something and
+expected to find it round the next corner.  I was very patient, though
+I do not believe he understood how often I wanted to argue with him.
+By the end of the vac, however, he had forgotten to be gloomy, and I
+hoped that Oxford would cure him altogether, for he had a good chance
+of getting his Rugger blue, and he had got to read; besides, I have
+never been able to see that perpetual gloom is of any use to anybody.
+
+I went back to St. Cuthbert's full of desperate resolutions.  I wanted
+to make every one in the college understand that it was the slackest
+place in Oxford, and having done that I wished to find the men who
+would make it keener.  The scheme was a gigantic one for me to take up;
+it needed tact, and I went at it so vigorously that in a few days I had
+offended some men and had succeeded in making others look upon me as a
+freak.  Dennison told me that I had a bee in my bonnet.  If he had said
+that I was mad I should not have minded, but those horrid little
+expressions of his always tried me very much, and I am bound to confess
+that my first efforts to rouse the college met with more ridicule than
+success.  Very few men seemed to care what happened to us, and nearly
+everybody pretended that our eight would rise again, and our footer
+teams cease to be laughed at, though no one tried to make them any
+better.  Dennison wrote a skit called "The Decline and Fall of St.
+Cuthbert's"; and some artist, who thought that my nose was as big as my
+arm, made a drawing of me in which I was trying to carry the college on
+my back, and was so overburdened by the weight of it that nothing but
+my nose prevented me from being crushed to the ground.  It was very
+funny and also very unfair in more ways than one, because I did not
+start my crusade with any idea of becoming important, and I have no
+feature which is superlatively large.
+
+This skit of Dennison's really settled me for a time, but I did stir up
+one or two men whom I had never expected to do anything.  Jack Ward
+stopped driving about with Bunny Langham, and began to play footer, and
+Collier actually went down to the river every afternoon.  Physical
+incapability prevented him from rowing well, but he persuaded several
+other men, who did not suffer as he did, to go through the same
+drudgery, and for self-sacrifice I thought he was hard to beat, because
+he was quite a comical sight in a boat.  What good did come from my
+first crusade was due chiefly to him; a kind of revivalist spirit was
+upon him, and many unsuspecting freshers who had only thought of the
+river as a place to avoid, were unable to resist his entreaties.
+
+The dons heard of my crusade, and I know that Mr. Edwardes did not like
+it, but I had two of them on my side, and the others did not take any
+active measures against me.  Mr. Edwardes took the trouble to tell me
+that I was mistaken in thinking that the reputation of St. Cuthbert's
+depended upon athletics, and I answered that I had never supposed
+anything of the kind, but that I thought a college which was slack
+about other things would end by being slack in the schools.  This reply
+of mine surprised him so much that he told me that any campaign to be
+successful must be managed by the right people, and I agreed with him
+cordially, for although I knew that plenty of men would have worried
+everybody out of their slackness much more successfully than I could, I
+was not going to tell him so.
+
+The Bursar supported me soundly, and we had a new don at the beginning
+of my second year who took a most invigorating interest in the college.
+He was known to us as "The Bradder," and though his real name was
+Bradfield it was seldom used, and as far as we were concerned he could
+have done quite well without it.  I had become so accustomed to aged
+dons that I could not understand him at first, he was so very young.
+He was also reported to be very clever, but I was so impressed by his
+youthfulness that it took me some time to believe that he would ever
+count for much.  I ought, however, to have known that The Bradder was
+not the kind of man who would allow himself to become a nonentity, for
+he was full of energy and determination.
+
+I was never able to find out how the dons heard of my scheme, but they
+find out most things by some extraordinary means, and The Bradder spoke
+to me very encouragingly about it, though he looked at me as if I
+amused him in some odd sort of way.  He also asked me to breakfast,
+which I thought was carrying kindness a little too far.  I anticipated
+the usual thing--a crowd of men with large appetites, and a host who
+abstained from food in his efforts to provide conversation; but when I
+went to The Bradder's rooms I found that I was in for a _tete-a-tete_,
+and my opinion of the other kind of breakfast rose considerably.  As a
+don I was not in the least nervous of him, but as a host I thought he
+might be overwhelming.
+
+That he ever lived through this meal without laughing was a marvel, for
+when I was sitting opposite to him my nervousness vanished, and I told
+him exactly what I thought about every subject he suggested, and it was
+not until I had left him that it occurred to me that I had been talking
+nearly all the time, and that he had said very little.  I determined
+that he was a most thoroughly good sort, but the idea of his being a
+don struck me as being absurd.  I put him on my side with the Warden
+and the Bursar, and thought that Mr. Edwardes was in a hopeless
+minority of one in persecuting me, for I looked upon the Subby as a man
+who had been born to be neutral.  I do not suppose that I should ever
+have started my first crusade if I had known that it was going to cause
+the mildest of sensations.  As far as I had thought about it at all, I
+had imagined that everybody in St. Cuthbert's would be glad to see the
+college take its usual place again, and certainly I had no idea that I
+should be violently supported and opposed.  The captains of everything
+were in favour of less slackness, but Dennison and all his set said
+that an Oxford college was not a public school, and talked a lot of
+nonsense about the iniquity of compulsory games.  No further proof is
+needed to show how unfair they were, for a man must be mad to dream of
+compulsory games at Oxford, and such an idea never entered my head.
+But all this talking made me wish that I had never said or done
+anything, and before long I was heartily tired of the whole thing, for
+my own affairs became rather more than I could manage.
+
+At the beginning of the term I had moved into larger rooms, and I was
+elected to both Vincent's and the St. Cuthbert's wine club.  Murray
+advised me not to join the wine club, because I was an exhibitioner,
+and the dons would be sure to fix their eyes steadfastly upon me if I
+did.  But Jack Ward was very anxious for me to join, and every other
+member, except Dennison, who was only elected when I was, spoke to me
+about it.  So I became one of the twelve Mohocks, which only meant that
+I could give a guest a good dinner three or four times a term, and
+after that take him to the rooms of the club where there was a big
+dessert, and old Rodoski, who was concealed in the bedder, unless some
+one asked him to show himself, provided music.  When we had finished
+with Rodoski we went out of college and played pool, and then we came
+back and played cards.  There was not much harm about the whole thing,
+and occasionally it was quite dull, but some of our dons had got hold
+of the idea that a Mohock must be a rowdy and riotous person.  Mr.
+Edwardes was one of them, and I found out very soon that he considered
+that I ought not to have joined the club.  I did not, however, feel in
+the least like resigning, for though there were one or two members who
+took delight in nothing which was not an orgie, they were generally
+suppressed before they made much noise.  A club of this kind depends a
+good deal upon its President, and we had a man who thought far too much
+of the reputation of the Mohocks to insult his guests by a common
+pandemonium.
+
+My position with Mr. Edwardes had become a critical one when I broke my
+collar-bone playing against Richmond, and suddenly ceased to be a
+culprit and became an invalid.  At the time I was very sick at my
+footer ending so abruptly, but my accident was really a stroke of good
+luck, for I feel certain that I should have been turned out of the
+'Varsity fifteen anyhow.  An Irish international named Hogan had come
+up who was, I thought, a really good full-back, and each time I was
+asked to play for the 'Varsity I expected to be my last.  But as soon
+as there was no chance of my playing against Cambridge I got no end of
+sympathy, and nearly all the team told me that my absence weakened the
+side, though previously some of them had said the same thing about my
+presence.  My accident settled the question of who was to be the
+'Varsity back quite conveniently; it also made me give up all thoughts
+of my crusade, and gave me plenty of time to read.  I should not think
+anybody's collar-bone has ever been broken at such an opportune moment.
+Fred played against Cambridge, but our forwards were hopelessly beaten,
+and no one distinguished himself for us except Hogan, who lost two
+teeth and covered himself with glory.
+
+At the end of the Lent term both Fred and I got seconds in Moderations;
+mine was not a good second and Fred's was almost a first, so what would
+have happened if Fred had been smashed up instead of me is not worth
+inquiring, for there is no doubt that I did more work than he did.
+Murray got a first, which was what everybody expected; he was one of
+the few men I have ever seen who read logic because he liked it.
+
+I cannot say that Mr. Edwardes was very pleased about my second, for he
+had told me I should be lucky to get a third, and in my case I believe
+he would rather have been a truthful prophet than a moderately
+successful tutor.  When I asked him if I might read history for my
+final examinations he was doubtful if I was not seeking a degree by the
+least fatiguing way, but The Bradder was a history tutor, and although
+I had found out that he was a very strenuous man, I meant to work with
+him.  So after many warnings against idleness I was allowed to do as I
+wanted, and Mr. Edwardes got rid of me, which must have pleased him
+very much.  I do not think that any one else ever upset him so
+completely as I did, and I have never been able to find out why he
+disapproved of me to such an extent, unless it was that until I got
+accustomed to him I thought him funny, and when I think anybody or
+anything funny I have to laugh.  No one else laughed at Mr. Edwardes
+except me, and I should not have done so if I could have helped it, but
+an unintentionally comic don causes a lot of trouble.
+
+Mr. Grace, the senior history don in St. Cuthbert's, was more like a
+very benevolent parent than a tutor.  Perhaps he was rather old for his
+work, but he was so extraordinarily peaceful that you could not help
+liking him, and I had a vague feeling that he was my grandfather.  The
+change from Mr. Edwardes to him was like going to bed in a choppy sea
+and waking up in a punt on the Cherwell.  I can't explain the feeling I
+had for him, but he seemed to be surrounded by a homely atmosphere, and
+he reminded me of hot-water bottles and well-aired beds without making
+me feel stuffy.  You worked for him because it struck you as being
+hopelessly unfair to annoy him if you could help it.  He was a most
+pleasant old gentleman, and a very convenient tutor to have in a summer
+term.  The Bradder, however, to whom I had also to read essays, scoffed
+when I told him that I had two years and a term before my examinations,
+and generally speaking allowed me to see that he was going to stand no
+nonsense.  If he had been less of a sportsman I should have thought him
+more inconvenient, for I never found an excuse which he considered a
+reasonable one, and after I had done two very short essays for him he
+let me understand that I must do more work if I wanted him to be
+pleasant.
+
+"Look here, Marten, it won't do," he said to me when I had read my
+second essay to him, which even surprised me by its early closing.
+"This could not have taken you a quarter of an hour to write, and you
+have read it in five minutes."
+
+I had tried to lengthen my essay by stopping to discuss any point which
+might make him talk, but he knew all about that time-worn device, and
+had told me to finish reading before we discussed anything, and when I
+had finished there did not seem much to discuss.
+
+"It's the summer term, and I read very fast," I said, because he was
+waiting for me to say something.
+
+"Don't," he answered; "poor excuses are worse than none.  When I began
+to read history, I wrote telegrams instead of essays, and I tried to
+make my tutor talk so that he should fill up the time, just as you have
+done.  But I found out in a month that history is not a joke, and that
+my tutor was not a fool.  You have got to read seriously, whatever else
+you may do; we may as well understand each other from the start."
+
+I gathered up my essay slowly, for he had, as he spoke, scattered what
+there was of it over the table.
+
+"It would be better to use a note-book than any odd piece of paper that
+happens to come your way," he said, and added, "if you are slack about
+your work, you may end by being slack at other things."
+
+"So you have been talking to Mr. Edwardes about me," I said, and I was
+annoyed.
+
+"Perhaps it would be truer to say that Mr. Edwardes has been talking to
+me about you," he answered.  "You will probably like history very much
+if you will only give yourself a chance; don't think a fourth is any
+good to you--or me."
+
+"I'm only just through Mods," I replied, "you do go at a fearful rate."
+
+"You will have to be bustled until you get interested," he answered,
+"and I will bustle you all right, you can trust me to do that."
+
+I expect that The Bradder knew that I should not care about being
+bustled by him, and the result of his conversation with me was that he
+got a great deal of essay out of me with very little trouble to
+himself, though I thought that he was mistaken in making me start at
+such a furious pace, and I asked him, without any effect, if he had
+ever heard of men being overtrained.
+
+Although no one expected our eight to make any bumps, I think they
+astonished everybody by going down four places, and as we were being
+bumped by colleges which were generally in danger of being bottom of
+the river, a wholesome feeling spread over most of us that as a joke
+our rowing was nearly played out.  We began to talk about what we would
+do next year, but Jack Ward was so disgusted with everything that he
+suddenly determined that he had wasted nearly two years, and meant to
+make up for lost time by doing everything with all his might.
+
+I thought these terrific resolutions came from a row he had with
+Dennison about cards, a disagreeable row in which Dennison said such
+nasty things that had I been Jack, I should have picked him up and
+dropped him out of the window; but by some extraordinary means Jack
+kept his temper until he told him to shut up, and that ended the whole
+thing, for Dennison knew when it was wise to be silent.  I did not
+think much of Jack's resolutions, for he had been doing no work for
+such a long time and with such perfect success, that a complete change
+was more than I was able to grasp.  Every one in St. Cuthbert's was
+supposed to read for honours in some school or other, and Jack, having
+scrambled through pass "Mods," had for a year pretended to read law.  I
+never saw him doing it, but he had a most effective way of fooling
+dons, and, as far as his work was concerned, he never seemed to be
+worried.  When, however, he came to me three weeks before the end of
+the term, and told me he was going to give up law and read history, I
+thought he was seeking trouble.
+
+"You will have to work if you have anything to do with The Bradder," I
+told him.
+
+"For the last ten minutes I have been trying to make you understand
+that I want to work," he answered, but still I did not believe him.
+
+"All your law will be wasted," I said.
+
+"I don't know any, so that's all right."
+
+"But the dons won't let you change."
+
+"I can manage them; the history people won't want me, but the law
+people will be glad to get rid of me, I have sounded them already."
+
+"You will end by reading theology," I said.
+
+He gave a great laugh and said he didn't know where he should end, and
+that all he wanted to do was to work.  But he spoke of working as if it
+was a new sort of game, and I thought his desire to try it would vanish
+as quickly as it had come, so I was surprised when he tackled The
+Bradder, and persuaded him that history was the only subject in which
+he could ever take a decent class.  Without the consent of anybody, he
+stopped going to the lectures to which he was supposed to go, and came
+to my rooms at all hours of the day to borrow books and read them.
+Apparently he had become a kind of free-lance, having shaken off his
+old tutors and not having got any new ones, but he read through a short
+history of England three times in a week because he said he wanted a
+good solid ground-work to build upon.  Perhaps The Bradder asked that
+he might be left alone, for certainly no one bothered him and he
+bothered nobody with the exception of me.  I admit that I found him a
+very great nuisance, for I had been compelled to read during the last
+two terms, and I had not been smitten with any enthusiasm for an
+examination which was in the far distance.  In fact I wanted to slack,
+and I did not see why Jack should choose my rooms to work in.  The mere
+sight of him annoyed me; he took his coat off and turned up his
+shirt-sleeves to read, and whenever I made the slightest noise he told
+me to be quiet.  I impressed upon him most earnestly that he could go
+anywhere he liked or didn't like, but he had settled upon me, and
+nothing I did could make him go or lose his temper.  After a few days I
+got quite accustomed to him, and I believe that I should have missed
+him if he had not come to annoy me, but he showed no signs of
+slackening off, and I was watching for them every day.
+
+We were within a few days of the end of term before I believed that
+Jack had any serious intentions of changing his manner of living, and
+then he explained the whole thing to me.
+
+"I have worked for a solid fortnight," he said to me, "and if I can go
+on for a fortnight I can go on for two years.  I didn't want to explain
+anything until I knew whether it was any good, for I have never worked
+before in my life and I didn't know what it was like.  My father has
+suddenly got very sick with me, and says I have got to read or go down
+altogether; besides I am tired of doing nothing, and there are enough
+slackers in the college without me.  We have got to pull this place
+together somehow."  He threw himself into an arm-chair and picked up
+_The Ordeal of Richard Feverel_.  "George Meredith," he said, "I tried
+him once," and he shook his head.
+
+"Try him again."
+
+"I shan't have time, you are always coming out in unexpected places.  I
+should have thought you would have liked a good sporting novel, I can't
+understand Meredith."
+
+"The Bradder told me to read this."
+
+"The Bradder's an idiot; you be careful, or you'll write stuff which
+the examiners won't trouble to read.  An examiner doesn't like any
+other style except his own."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"I guess from the look of them, they must get so horribly tired; facts
+are what I mean to give them, piles of dates and things like that.
+Just let 'em know what I know at once and no rot about it."
+
+"You have got to write essays, not answer questions like a
+Sunday-school class," I said, and yawned.
+
+"The Bradder will have to teach me all about essays, but I am going to
+stick to plain English, no going round corners for me.  I mean to row
+next year, and I am going to be coached in the vac; if I don't get into
+the college eight next summer, I----"
+
+"Aren't you going to do a lot?" I interrupted him by asking.
+
+"I have always done a lot; hunting three times a week is a lot when you
+play footer and cards as well.  We will read after dinner for three
+hours."
+
+I yawned again, for I had had very little fun for some time, and I felt
+as if a little relaxation would do me good.  An Irish M.P. was coming
+to speak during that evening about the advantages of Home Rule, and
+although I thought Home Rule meant the disruption of the Empire and
+many other things, I wanted to hear what this man had to say, and to
+see if anything exciting happened.  The Bradder had told me that there
+was a good deal to be said in favour of Home Rule, but I put him down
+as a Radical and did not take any notice of him.  The first thing I can
+ever remember about politics was my father saying that Radicals talked
+nothing but nonsense, and that had remained with me and was mixed up
+with the things which I most truly believed.  The Bradder, however,
+made me think that Radicals were not bound to be hopeless persons.  I
+don't know how he did it, but I think it was by telling me that I was
+one at heart.  I never thought half so badly of them after that.
+
+But if what I must apologize for calling my politics were rather wobbly
+just then, ten thousand Bradders could not make me a Home Ruler, and
+had I not known that other things happen at political meetings in
+Oxford besides the ordinary programme, I might have been content to
+stay in college and go on being dull and peaceable.  As it was I
+thought that Jack and I had earned something in the way of excitement,
+and after a good deal of persuasion he started with me, but when we got
+to the meeting the place was packed with an audience which, from the
+noise, seemed to consist largely of undergraduates singing "Rule
+Britannia."  We talked eloquently to the men at the doors, without
+getting past them.  One of them told me that they had already admitted
+far too many of our kind, and then added that there was no room for
+anybody else whatever kind he might be, so we went over to Bunny
+Langham's rooms, which--for he was not living in college--were opposite
+the hall in which the M.P. was speaking.  There were more than
+half-a-dozen men in Bunny's rooms when we got to them, and I found out
+that he had been scattering invitations broadcast during the afternoon.
+A lot of other men came in soon afterwards, but nobody did anything
+more extraordinary than sing out of tune until the meeting had
+finished.  I was sitting by the window looking down on the people who
+had been in the hall, and nearly everybody had gone out of St.
+Aldgate's when Bunny came up to me and said he thought he should make a
+short speech.  He went away and came back with a horn, which he blew so
+lustily that in two or three minutes he had collected a small crowd in
+front of the house.
+
+"They are not enough," he said, and he blew on his horn until I should
+think fifty or sixty people were standing in the street.  Then he put
+his head out of the window and shouted, "Silence.  I will, if you will
+permit me, say a few words to you on burning questions of the day."
+The crowd was almost entirely made up of loafers from the town, and
+they received him with loud cries of approval.
+
+"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he began, and was told at once to speak
+up, and asked if his mother knew he was out and other ancient
+questions, which interrupted but did not discourage him.
+
+"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he repeated, "who have assembled in your
+thousands----"  His next words were drowned by a rude man, with a
+blatant voice, telling him that he was a blooming liar.
+
+"Fellow-citizens and burgesses of Oxford, who have assembled in your
+thousands to hear--" Bunny began once more, but the rude man shouted
+that he was not at a concert, and when he wanted to listen to the same
+thing over and over again he was not too shy to say so.
+
+"I shall have to ask you to remove that gentleman, he is mistaking me
+for one of his unfortunate family," Bunny shouted back, and was told to
+go on and not mind Tom Briggs.  It was not possible, however, for him
+to make himself heard, and instead of continuing his speech he and Tom
+Briggs talked to each other, until some one behind me threw a banana at
+Tom and knocked his hat off.  At the same moment I saw the proctor and
+his bull-dogs coming down the street, and in a minute we had turned out
+all the lights in the room and gone up-stairs.  There we stayed until
+we heard the proctor leave the house.
+
+"That's a bit of luck," said Jack, as we sat down again.
+
+"I can't make out what the deuce has happened," Bunny answered, "he
+must have spotted the house."
+
+"Perhaps he didn't want to catch us; after all we were not doing much,"
+some man, whose experience of proctors must have been limited, said.
+
+We got back to the room and heard a tremendous booing in the street,
+for the crowd, deprived of their fun, were letting the proctor know
+what they thought of him.
+
+"That's splendid," Bunny said, "it's a real score if he doesn't send
+for us in the morning.  If he does he will be sick to death with me,
+I've been progged three times already this term.  Pull the curtains and
+let's light up again."
+
+"It's about time we went," Jack said; "has the crowd gone?"
+
+I looked out of the window and told him there were only a few people
+left in the street, but just as we were going there was a knock at the
+door and a man came into the room.
+
+"Halloa, Marsden," Bunny said; "I am afraid we have been making rather
+a row in here, perhaps you put a towel round your head and went on
+reading.  Didn't you tell me you tied cloths over your ears when you
+wanted to be quiet?"
+
+"It's not much of a joke having rooms in the same house with you,"
+Marsden answered, and looked very solemn.
+
+"Don't say that," Bunny answered.  "Have a drink, I'm generally as
+quiet as a lamb."
+
+Marsden sat on the table and refused to drink.
+
+"It's no joke being in the same house with you," he said again, and
+began to laugh.
+
+"I'm not going to set fire to the place or blow it up," Bunny replied.
+
+"But the house becomes infested with proctors."
+
+"Did you see the 'proggins?'"
+
+"He came into my room and progged both Carslake and me.  He said we
+were disturbing the peace of the town."
+
+"He didn't, did he?" Bunny exclaimed, and then went off into such fits
+of laughter that for some time he could do nothing but cough and choke.
+
+"He couldn't have chosen a funnier man.  A sneeze is about the biggest
+row you have ever made in your life.  Didn't you tell him you had
+nothing to do with the rag?" he asked at last.
+
+"I left you to do that; he wouldn't listen to me, he seemed to be in a
+hurry to get it over," Marsden said.
+
+"Was he Carter of Queen's, or the other man?"
+
+"Carter."
+
+"I'll be at Queen's at nine o'clock to-morrow, so you and Carslake
+needn't bother to go; Carter knows me.  I am awfully sorry he has been
+shoving himself into your rooms; the worst of this place is, there is
+no privacy, Carter just goes where he pleases," and Bunny rang the bell
+and told his servant that he wanted a hansom in the morning at ten
+minutes to nine.  There were only a few of us left in his rooms, but
+every one said they would be at Queen's to meet him, though he told us
+not to make fools of ourselves.  "I asked Carter the last time I went
+to him to let me off a shilling because he had kept my cab waiting, and
+he fined me double for impertinence.  I should think this would cost
+about two pounds, and I've got about thirty sixpences up-stairs, he
+shall have all those," he continued.  "I'll have some fun for my money,
+so you fellows had better let me see it through by myself, I made the
+speech and blew the horn," but as we had all been in the affair we
+couldn't back out of it because we had been caught.
+
+I walked as far as St. Cuthbert's with a New College man, who thought
+we should have to pay more than two pounds.  "Carter will be so
+precious sick at being hooted in the street, we shan't get off under a
+fiver each," he said, and when I got back to college I went up to
+Jack's rooms to wait and see what he thought we should have to pay.
+
+I was nearly asleep when Jack came in.
+
+"Phillips says we shall have to pay a fiver each, what do you think?" I
+said, without turning round, and instead of answering me Jack went
+straight into his bedder and seemed to be washing himself vigorously.
+
+"What are you doing?" I shouted, but Jack went on washing, so I shut up
+asking questions.
+
+In a few minutes he came back into the room, and stood in front of me
+with a candle held up in front of his face.  His lips were swollen, and
+there was a great cut, which kept on bleeding, over his right eyebrow.
+
+"I look nice, don't I?" he said.  "I've had a fight with a man who told
+me that his name was Briggs."
+
+By degrees I got the whole tale out of him, but it is no fun trying to
+talk when a great coal-heaving man has hit you in the mouth with his
+fist.  Jack had come home by himself, and as he was turning out of the
+High by B.N.C. Tom Briggs, who had followed him all the way, charged
+into him.  Then there was a little conversation, and Briggs called Jack
+something especially horrid, and gave him a shove at the same time, so
+Jack hit him on the nose.  After this there was a rough-and-tumble,
+until that most inquisitive man Carter and his bull-dogs came up and
+caught Jack.  What happened to Briggs he did not know.
+
+"You mustn't tell Carter that you were at Bunny's," I said, after I had
+blamed myself, until Jack was tired, for having persuaded him to start
+to that wretched meeting.
+
+"That's a trifle compared with this," he answered, and he was right.
+
+There was a huge row, and it ended in Jack being sent down for the rest
+of the term.  A man, who had been lurking about somewhere, said that he
+saw Jack hit Briggs first, which was true as far as it went, but hard
+luck on Jack all the same.
+
+Bunny wanted to have a procession to the station when Jack went away,
+but he absolutely refused to have any fuss whatever, and altogether
+took his luck like a sportsman.
+
+If I had only waited for him, or never bothered him to go out at all,
+this would never have happened, and tired as I have often been of
+myself, I do not think I have ever felt more utterly wretched than I
+was during the last few days of that term when I, who ought really to
+have been in Jack's place, was still in Oxford, and Jack was with his
+very angry people.
+
+I went to the Warden and told him that Jack would never have gone out
+of college that night if it hadn't been for me, but all he said was
+that the Proctor had taken a serious view of the case, and he would not
+have anybody in the college brawling in the streets.  I also wrote to
+Jack's people and told them that the whole thing was my fault, but his
+father's answer was very short and disagreeable; he had entirely lost
+his temper.
+
+Dennison and his friends made the most of this misfortune, and I
+suppose it was natural that they should think it a comical finish to
+Jack's attempts at working.  For the rest of the term I did not care
+what happened to anybody or anything.  I was thoroughly sick with my
+luck, and when you are born with a faculty for disobeying rules and
+offending authorities and have trampled upon your inclinations for a
+long year without any result except disaster, it is enough to make you
+think that fighting Nature is a perfectly absurd thing to do.  It was
+very fortunate that the term was nearly over, for I had a mad idea that
+the best way to make up to Jack for getting him sent down was to get
+sent down myself; but The Bradder, who knew how foolish I could be,
+nipped my demonstrations in the bud, and gave me some of the
+straightest advice I have ever listened to.  He was very rude indeed.
+One of the few good things about this term was that Fred batted
+splendidly, he was not successful afterwards against Cambridge, but we
+had every reason for thinking that they were an exceptionally strong
+eleven.  I bowled faster than ever, and a little straighter than the
+year before; I was said to be the fastest bowler at Oxford, and I heard
+two men saying in Vincent's that their idea of bliss was my bowling on
+a good wicket.  But when I lowered a newspaper and showed myself they
+pretended that it was a joke.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER
+
+Of all penalties, sending a man down from the 'Varsity for a short time
+seems to me the most unfair.  For some people treat the culprit as if
+he was almost a criminal, while others are glad to see him and aren't
+in the least annoyed.  Had I been sent down from Oxford I am sure my
+father would have stormed and told me that I was going to that
+universal rubbish-heap, called "The dogs," while my mother would have
+been very hurt and very kind; but I know one man who went home
+unexpectedly and was told by his father that if he had not been sent
+down he would have missed the best "shoot" of the year.  In some cases
+the penalty is nothing, and in other cases it is far too heavy.
+
+From the little I knew of Jack's people I did not expect that they
+would be as unpleasant as they were, for as far as I could see he had
+not done anything which was much of a disgrace to anybody.
+Unfortunately, however, he went home at an unlucky moment, for his
+father was mixed up with the Stock Exchange, and there was a slump or
+something equally disagreeable in the City.  Jack wrote to me: "I have
+often seen my father in a bad temper, but I have never seen him keep it
+up for so long before.  There is a large bear syndicate formed in the
+City, and my father is a bull, and fumes like one.  I am very useful if
+he would only see it, because he can work his rage off on me, and that
+is a great relief to everybody else.  But it is no use thinking of what
+is to happen next; he has told me that I am going to start to Canada in
+a month, and Australia in a fortnight, but wherever I go I am to have
+only L10 besides my passage-money--he does the thing thoroughly.  The
+last scheme, announced at breakfast this morning, is that I am going to
+Greece, to a quarry which has something to do with either marble or
+cement; I didn't listen much, because I shall probably be booked for
+Siberia before night.  Anywhere but back to Oxford is really his idea,
+and the more often he changes the place the better.  Meanwhile I flaunt
+history books before him.  I left _Taswell Langmead_ on the lawn,
+because it is the fattest book I have got, and it looks so like one of
+the Stock Exchange books that I knew he would look at it.  He did and
+growled, but he put it back on the chair, which rather surprised me,
+for I expected him to launch forth on the uselessness of me reading
+such things.  If I sit tight for a bit and don't get ready to go
+anywhere, perhaps I shall get back to Oxford after all."
+
+I knew nothing about the Stock Exchange, but I sympathized very much
+with any one who had to live in the same house with a fuming bull.
+Even Fred agreed with me that Jack was being treated unfairly, and he
+never spoke about him at all if he could help it.  When Jack and he had
+met during the last year at Oxford, as they had often, they were so
+astonishingly polite to each other that had I not known the reason I
+should have been very amused, but as it was, I thought they were making
+a great fuss about something quite unimportant.
+
+To pretend not to notice a thing which is as clear as daylight is not a
+part which I can play with any comfort, so Jack and Fred fidgeted me
+terribly, but they had got some idea firmly fixed in their heads, with
+which I was wise enough not to meddle.  They were both such friends of
+mine that I hoped they would see as quickly as possible that there was
+something very humorous in the way they treated each other.
+
+Owen took a first in his final schools, and as soon as the list was out
+he wrote to me and said that he hoped to come up for a fifth year to
+read for a first in History.  This, I thought, was tempting Providence,
+for he had already got two firsts, and he seemed to me to be collecting
+them as I had once collected birds' eggs.  He decided, however, to give
+up his plan, and accepted a mastership at a school in Scotland.  I must
+say that I was relieved at this, for I intended to take two more years
+before my examinations, and if he had got a first in one year I am sure
+that I should have heard a very great deal about him, when my father
+felt unwell or wished to make me feel uncomfortable.
+
+I spent most of my second summer vac in France, partly because my
+mother was not well, and also because an old scheme for improving my
+French had been revived.  When Fred and I had gone to Oxford there had
+been some idea of us trying for the Indian Civil Service, but for
+various reasons this was abandoned, and although Fred had determined
+that he would go back to Cliborough as a master if he could manage it,
+I had drifted through two years without having made up my mind what was
+to happen to me when I got my degree.  The Bishop wanted me to be a
+clergyman, my mother thought that if Fred was going to be a
+school-master there was no reason why I should not be one, and although
+my father did not say anything he was not the man to see me finish my
+time at Oxford and then sit down to wait for some employment to turn
+up.  It was really no use for me to decide what I should do, for unless
+I showed an especial craving for some profession I knew that he would
+settle everything, and as I had two years before me I thought that
+there was no particular hurry, which is, I suppose, the dangerous state
+of mind of many undergraduates.
+
+I did not understand that my father's wish for me to talk French was
+part of any definite scheme, and for the life of me I cannot make out
+why he settled upon my profession and told me nothing about it, but I
+suppose that unless I ever become a parent there are some things which
+will puzzle me all my life.
+
+"One of the reasons the English are hated on the Continent is because
+they can only speak their own language, and when they are not
+understood they shout," he said to me, and I am afraid I did not care
+much what the English were thought of on the Continent; at any rate I
+did not see what I could do to make them more popular.  "I intend that
+you shall at least be able to speak French properly," he went on; "you
+are not going to stay with us at the hotel, but live with a French
+family about three miles out of the town."
+
+I detested the idea and had to submit to it, but I acknowledge that I
+enjoyed my visit to France, though I was told that I spent too much
+time at the hotel.  The fact was that my family lived three miles up
+hill from the town, and on a bicycle I could reach the sea or my people
+in a few minutes, but after I had bathed I had to think a lot before I
+started back.  I was arrested twice, once for riding furiously and also
+for not having my name on my bicycle, accidents which my father assured
+me would never have happened had I been able to talk French fluently,
+though it was absolutely impossible that I could under any
+circumstances or in any language have talked as fluently as the
+policeman who stopped me.  My French family were very nice to me, and
+we got on splendidly together after they discovered that I did not mind
+them laughing at my pronunciation.  After two months, during which I
+had attacked the language vigorously, Nina came from Paris to join us.
+I expected that she would find my accent amusing, but I made a mistake.
+What my mother had once mentioned to me as her awkward age had been
+lived through, and after a few days I began to wonder why I had ever
+found it easy to be irritated with her.  If things go well I generally
+have an attack of thinking them perfect, but all the same Nina and I
+became better friends than we had been since I had left school, and we
+were together so often that nothing but a promise to talk French to her
+prevented my people from forbidding me to come near the hotel.
+
+On Saturday afternoons, however, I stipulated that I should do and talk
+what I pleased, but unless I went to the Casino there was not much to
+do on my first holiday after Nina had arrived; so I persuaded her to
+come to a concert, have tea on the terrace, and then watch the "petits
+chevaux."  She was ready to do anything, but my mother detested any
+kind of gambling, and begged me not to take her into the room in which
+the tables were.  I could have imagined the time when to be told that
+something was not good for her was the surest way to make Nina want it,
+but now she said at once that she would much rather sit on the terrace
+than stay in a room with a crowd of people, and after tea I left her
+for a few minutes while I went for a walk through the rooms.  There was
+a crowd round each table, and not being able to see anything I was
+going back to Nina at once when I felt some one touch me on the arm.  I
+turned round quickly for I suspected that my pocket was being picked,
+though that would not have caused me any serious inconvenience, and
+before I could remember what I ought not to say I had exclaimed "Good
+Heavens," but if people will turn up in utterly unlikely places they
+ought not to be too critical of the way in which they are greeted.  I
+should as soon have expected to see Mr. Edwardes at a Covent Garden
+Ball as the Warden in a French Casino, and I had an intense and
+immediate desire to ask him what he was doing there.  I suppressed it,
+however, and only shook him so violently by the hand that he winced
+perceptibly.
+
+"I have been guilty of watching your movements for the last four
+minutes," he said, as we walked towards the door leading to the
+terrace.  "I observed you as you entered this chamber of horrors, and I
+was afraid that you were about to give an exhibition of your
+generosity."
+
+"Did you think I was going to play?" I asked.
+
+"Yes, if that is the right expression for an act of madness.  There
+are, if I have observed exactly, eight chances against you, and the
+fool, for believe me he is a fool, who is fortunate enough to win is
+paid seven times his stake.  The man who tries to make money in that
+way must be generous and a fool."
+
+"The bank must win to pay for the croupiers and keep the place going,"
+I said.
+
+"In my opinion there is no acute necessity for the place to be kept
+going, as you express it.  I entertain a hope that if you have ever
+taken part in that orgie, at which every one with the exception of the
+croupiers looks greedy and hungry, that you will in the future abstain
+from it.  Gambling is the meanest of all vices," he said slowly, and he
+tapped my arm seven times.
+
+He did not seem to be going anywhere in particular, and as I cannot
+bear anybody tapping at me, I thought Nina might help to calm him.  So
+I walked down the terrace and introduced her to him suddenly, for he
+had a reputation for bolting from strange ladies, and I thought it best
+to leave nothing to chance.  But as soon as he saw Nina the cloud
+disappeared from his face, and his aggressively moral mood changed.  In
+fact I distinctly heard him say "delightful," though I am sure that he
+did not intend his remark to be audible.  He inspected Nina as if she
+was for sale or on show, but he so clearly approved of her that she did
+not seem to mind him.
+
+"Won't you sit down?" she said.
+
+"Only on one condition," he answered.
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"That you tell me the name of your dressmaker," but before Nina could
+speak he had settled himself beside her, and continued: "You are not
+only successful in being cool but also in looking cool; now I have ten
+nieces, delightful girls, but they cannot take exercise without
+rivalling the colour of a peony.  They look what I can only describe to
+you as full-blown."
+
+"But I have not been taking exercise," Nina said.
+
+"That, I suppose, is true," he replied, and forgot promptly what he had
+been talking about.
+
+After a minute's silence his head began to sink forward, and I was
+afraid he was beginning to think hard or go to sleep, so I told Nina
+that it was time for us to go back to the hotel; for much as I liked
+the Warden I had no wish to watch over him while he slept on the
+Terrace of the Casino, and I thought that he might expect to find me
+there when he woke up.  Nina held out her hand to wish him good-bye,
+but he said that he was coming with us, and while we were walking to
+the hotel I left him to her, for I was debating whether I had better
+ask him to meet my father and mother or not.  I knew that he had
+offended a great many people who had come to see him in Oxford about
+their sons, and he was reported to have said that the greatest
+difficulty in dealing with undergraduates was the parent difficulty.
+"If I was dictator of Oxford it should be a city of refuge for young
+men, and no father or mother should be allowed to enter it during
+twenty-four weeks of the year," was one of the things he was supposed
+to have said, and if my father happened to get him upon that subject I
+foresaw trouble.
+
+But the question settled itself, for my mother was sitting on the
+verandah in front of the hotel and came down the garden to meet us.  I
+had heard the Warden chuckle three times as we had walked up the road,
+and though I could not imagine how Nina was amusing him, I thanked
+goodness that he seemed to be thinking about ordinary things.
+
+"I have the pleasure of knowing your brother," he said as soon as he
+was introduced; "he and I disagree upon every subject I have ever had
+the privilege of discussing with him."
+
+"I do not think my brother would ever discuss a subject with any one
+whom he expected to agree with.  It would be hardly worth while," my
+mother answered, and the Warden looked at her quickly.
+
+"Surely the benefit arising from a discussion does not depend wholly,
+or I may say chiefly, from disagreement upon the subject discussed.  A
+Cabinet Council, for instance, may conceivably arrive at a satisfactory
+and at the same time an unanimous conclusion."
+
+"My brother would not call that a discussion," my mother answered
+shortly, and the Warden said "Ah," which meant, I believe, that however
+the Bishop defined the word discussion, it was useless to discuss
+anything with ladies.
+
+"You will have some tea?" my mother said, as soon as we had reached the
+verandah.
+
+"You will excuse me, my absence from the hotel at which I have taken a
+room for to-night, has already been too prolonged.  You drink tea in
+France, madam?"
+
+"We brought our tea with us."
+
+"Admirable foresight, but it remains for you to see the water boiling,"
+and then as if he knew that he had hurt my mother's feelings and wished
+to make some recompense, he continued, "The Bishop, madam, is a man for
+whom I have a most sympathetic regard, neither politics nor pageants
+divert him from the work he has pledged himself to do; I know of no man
+more fitted to be a Bishop."
+
+My mother bowed slightly, and said nothing, and really it was not easy
+to guess from the Warden's tone whether he considered any man fit to be
+a Bishop.
+
+"We think differently on many subjects, and on one, I may say, I think
+with perfect truth, we have differed so widely that a little less
+self-restraint on the one side or on the other would have brought us to
+the verge of a very vulgar quarrel.  The Bishop preaches what is called
+Humanity, he practises Humanity, he would have a manufactory--which he
+would manage on a profit-sharing system--for Humanity pills, and make
+every young man in Oxford swallow two of them every morning.  But there
+is another meaning to the word Humanity which has been lost sight of in
+this age of upheaval, it is 'classical learning.'  Oxford has a duty to
+perform; it has something to teach in addition to the development of
+kindly feelings which must be taught at the mother's knee, and grow
+naturally if they are ever to be effective.  We are attacked at Oxford
+by many kinds of outside influence, and you know enough of young men,
+madam, to realize that there is no influence which appeals to them so
+strongly as that which is outside, what I must call, constituted
+authority.  The Bishop, in short, if I judge him with accuracy, thinks
+that Oxford is the finest playground for the East-end of London which
+can be imagined by the wit of man.  On this point I disagree with him
+entirely, not from any dislike to the people of the East-end, but from
+a profound conviction that young men in Oxford, if they are to do their
+work with success, have already more than enough to occupy their minds."
+
+He leaned forward in his chair and looked hard at me; he did not
+apparently expect any answer to his oration, but he had touched on a
+subject which was near my mother's heart, and I felt so uneasy that I
+moved from my seat and leaned against one of the posts of the verandah.
+
+"Don't you exaggerate what my brother wants?" my mother asked.  "He
+knows too well the value of time to wish to waste that of anybody, and
+he loves Oxford."
+
+"Too well," the Warden jerked out, as if he was an automatic
+arrangement and some one had touched a spring.
+
+"I don't think any one could love Oxford too well, and I should be
+sorry if Godfrey did not learn something from his life there which
+could help him to sympathize with other people."
+
+I knew that I was bound to be pulled in sooner or later, and I thought
+of disappearing behind my post and of leaving the Warden to say what he
+liked.
+
+"The sympathies of your son are already as wide as those of a Charity
+Organization Society, and, I venture to say, as misdirected," the
+Warden returned, and seemed to have forgotten that I was standing in
+front of him, but if he was going to say things about me I decided to
+stay and hear them.  "I find him the most pleasant companion, he has
+the gift of silence--Meredith wrote--'Who cannot talk!--but who
+can?'--he is also amusing, always unconsciously.  I have great hopes
+that he may become a man who will not waste his youth in vain struggles
+with a ball.  Had I the power I would banish all balls from England for
+one short year, the experiment would be entertaining."
+
+"It would result in a national dyspepsia," my mother said, laughing.
+
+"Godfrey would play catch with an orange," Nina remarked.
+
+The Warden looked up and saw me.  "An orange bursts," he said.  "I must
+return to my hotel.  Would you find me a conveyance, one with a
+coachman as unlike a furious driver as possible?" he asked, and as Nina
+came with me he was left alone with my mother.  I don't know what he
+said during those few minutes, but when we got back I found my mother
+smiling placidly, though when I had gone away I was certain that she
+disapproved of the Warden most thoroughly.
+
+"The Warden wishes you to dine with him to-night," she said to me, and
+without waiting for me to reply she went on to say how sorry my father
+would be to miss him.  The Warden began to express regrets at my
+father's absence, but forgot what he was talking about in the middle of
+his sentence, and finished up by telling the driver to go very slowly.
+As he stepped into the vehicle I had found for him, he expressed a
+fervent hope that it was more robust than it appeared to be.
+
+"What a funny old man!" Nina exclaimed as soon as he had gone, "and
+what nonsense he talks.  He is a dear, but he does look odd!"
+
+"He looks like a gentleman, and is one," my mother replied.
+
+"You didn't like him at first," I said to her.
+
+"I thought he spoke slightingly of your uncle and that he meant all he
+said, which of course was stupid of me.  He was delightful after you
+had gone, and talked most kindly and sensibly about you, I wish your
+father could have heard him."
+
+But my father had gone to Rouen and was not coming back until ten
+o'clock, and I am not sure that he would have liked the Warden, so
+perhaps it was as well that they did not meet.
+
+My dinner was wearisome, for Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, was
+with him, and she talked while I listened.  I am sorry to say she was
+in a very bad temper, and it seemed that the naughty Warden had kept
+her waiting for two hours during the afternoon.  She was by no means in
+love with France, and though I tried to soothe her I only succeeded in
+making her sarcastic; I thought the Warden ought to have protected me,
+but he had known his sister longer than I had, and probably had
+forgotten that she could make any one suffer.  He took no part in the
+conversation, and most obviously did not listen to it.  My mother was
+disappointed when I told her about the dinner, but I think that she had
+expected the Warden to give me advice as well as a meal.  She had
+formed the highest opinion of him, and said that he was so wise that he
+was the only man she knew who could afford to say foolish things.  But
+when my father heard that the foolish things were said about the Bishop
+he did not believe in the folly of them, for he could not forget that
+my uncle had once played stump cricket for three hours at a stretch.
+
+When the time came for us to go back to England I could talk French
+without putting in one or two English words to fill up every sentence,
+but I did not think that Dover Station was the place in which to be
+told that I must not be satisfied until I could think in French--though
+what the station at Dover is the proper place for, I leave to people
+who are cleverer than I am.  I was so glad to get home again that the
+idea of thinking in French was quite comical.  My father and I were
+going to shoot together, and when he is shooting he forgets all the
+little grievances with which he has riddled his life and he is--though
+it makes me blush to confess it--the best companion in the world.  If
+he could only shoot all the year round I believe that Ritualists and
+Radicals would lose their powers of annoying him, and he might even end
+by admitting that our long-suffering cook makes curry which is fit to
+eat, and no more generous admission than that could be expected from an
+Anglo-Indian.
+
+For nearly three weeks we lived in a state of peace and contentment
+which none of us thought dull, but during the first week of October I
+had a letter from The Bradder in which he said that he was on a walking
+tour and should be passing near our house.  There was only one answer
+for me to give, but I gave it reluctantly, for though I liked him I
+thought that if he and my father once started upon politics our calm
+season would be interrupted abruptly.
+
+"Does he shoot?" my father asked, and I said that as he was walking for
+amusement he would probably only stay a few hours.  "We can't treat him
+like that; tell him to stay a week and send for his gun.  For the
+matter of that he can have one of mine.  I don't expect he will be able
+to hit a haystack," was his reply.
+
+So I wrote again, and to my surprise The Bradder accepted the
+invitation and appeared a few days afterwards with no marks of the
+tourist upon him; for there is no mistaking people who are on walking
+tours, their anxiety to get on stamps itself upon their faces, and
+their luggage is generally on their backs or in their pockets.  He told
+us that his companion had broken down three days before, and that he
+had been back to Oxford to get his gun.  I never remember having seen
+anybody who looked quite so fit as he did, and my father, who had a
+kind of general impression that every tutor in Oxford was anaemic,
+seemed to be thoroughly pleased with him.  Thus I was lulled into a
+false state of security, for I had intended to warn The Bradder not to
+speak of politics while he was with us, but as every one took a fancy
+to him at sight I thought that I need not trouble to say anything.
+
+There was a lot of speculation about The Bradder's shooting, he shot
+whenever he got the ghost of a chance, but he added more to the noise
+than to the number of the bag.  He tried to persuade my father before
+he started that he was the worst shot in the world, but he was not
+believed until he had proved that he had spoken the truth.  He was,
+however, much happier in a bad than in a good place, and he seemed to
+be perfectly pleased as long as he could see an occasional bird to
+shoot at.  My father said that he was a good sportsman, though had he
+not liked him he would have called him a rank bad shot.
+
+Two days passed by successfully, and then The Bradder discovered that
+there was an old abbey near us, and arranged with Nina to go over and
+see it.  Why in the world any one should want to see an abbey when he
+could shoot at pheasants, was more than my father could understand.
+
+"The abbey will be here the next time you come, let it wait," he said
+at breakfast.
+
+"I should like to see it," The Bradder replied; "besides, I never kill
+anything."
+
+"You needn't bother about that."
+
+"I have promised Miss Marten to go, she said she would drive me over,"
+he replied, and any one could see that he didn't mean to shoot.
+
+"As you like," my father said, and told me to be ready in ten minutes,
+though we were not going to start for an hour.
+
+On the top of this we had a very disappointing day, and finished up by
+getting wet through, so at dinner there were many more danger signals
+flying than were usual in the shooting season.  The Bradder, however,
+did not notice them, or if he did he thought them ridiculous, and he
+amused my mother and Nina very much, which under the circumstances was
+a grievous offence.  I found myself in the position of trying to catch
+my tutor's eye, so that I could warn him to be careful with my father,
+and although I realized the comedy of the position I did not appreciate
+it.  To make matters worse The Bradder would not drink any port, and as
+it was a wine of which my father was proud, he had to say that he never
+drank any wine at all before his refusal was accepted.  Teetotalism in
+the abstract was a thing which I was encouraged to believe in, but
+teetotalers, who did not know when to make an exception to general
+rules, were not approved of at our table when '63 port was before them.
+Everything seemed to be going most hopelessly wrong, and I was so
+anxious to get into the drawing-room that I made several exceedingly
+fatuous remarks.
+
+"You talk like a Radical," my father said in answer to one of them;
+"you want this changed and that changed, you had better go up to Hyde
+Park and take a tub with you, if you want to talk nonsense."
+
+"I probably shouldn't get two people to listen to me," I replied.
+
+"Strahan told me yesterday," he went on, "that they are teaching a lot
+of this Radical tomfoolery in Oxford now; he says his son has come home
+stuffed with it, thinks agricultural labourers are underpaid and all
+the rest.  Is it true, Bradfield?"
+
+"I should not say that the feeling at Oxford is as out-and-out Tory as
+it was, but the young Radical is often a very ridiculous man," The
+Bradder replied, and took a pear off the dish in front of him and began
+to peel it.
+
+"Always," my father said.
+
+"Not always; he may conceivably be very sane indeed."
+
+"Never."
+
+The Bradder was quite willing to let the subject drop, but his pear was
+a mistake and prevented me from suggesting that we should go.
+
+"You sympathize with this Radical feeling?" my father asked him.
+
+"To some extent I share it."
+
+"I can't believe it, I really can't--why, the Radicals want to ruin the
+army, spend no money on the navy, make magistrates of Tom, Dick, and
+Harry, and top everything by letting Ireland do what it likes.  They
+are a dangerous crew."
+
+"I am not a Home-Ruler, though every one must admit that our way of
+managing Ireland up to the present has not been fortunate."
+
+"But you wouldn't try experiments with a volcano?"
+
+"I would try any experiment with Ireland which it wants, and which I
+did not think dangerous," The Bradder said, and he seemed to be wholly
+occupied in trying to say as little as possible without appearing to be
+ashamed or afraid of his opinions.
+
+"So you are a Radical, but not a Home-Ruler.  Well, from the look of
+you, I should never have thought it.  You can go if you like, Godfrey;
+I should be glad to talk to Mr. Bradfield for a few minutes; he is the
+first Radical I have ever liked," and he smiled at The Bradder,
+anticipating triumph.
+
+I did not go, and I am glad that I stayed, for both of them had to
+fight hard to keep their tempers, and their struggles fascinated me.
+From the beginning The Bradder made up his mind to treat the duel
+lightly, but my father pressed him hard, and occasionally provoked a
+retort which flashed.  For more than an hour they talked, and indignant
+servants, showing heads of expostulation, had to go away unnoticed.
+But The Bradder met explosions with what my father called afterwards
+rank obstinacy, and the man who explodes is naturally angry if he
+cannot get some one to explode back at him.
+
+"The Warden, from what I have heard of him, would not approve of your
+opinions," my father said at last.
+
+"He does not meddle with our politics," The Bradder answered.
+
+"He's a wise man," my father returned, and The Bradder laughed.
+
+"The Warden talks about politicians as if they were an army of
+tuft-hunters, hunting for tufts which they will never find.  He refuses
+to speak seriously about politics."
+
+"The habit of being amused at our failures or cynical about them is
+becoming too common."
+
+I could not help smiling at the quickness with which the Warden had
+been toppled off his seat of wisdom, and my father pushed his chair
+back impatiently.
+
+"The Warden is, I believe, a strong Tory, and reserves his contempt for
+what he calls 'modern politicians.'"
+
+"I said he was a wise man," my father replied, and the Warden was
+reinstated.
+
+"He is certainly," The Bradder answered, as we went into the
+drawing-room.
+
+During the next day I heard from Nina that The Bradder had been
+denounced as a very dangerous man, all the more dangerous because he
+was so attractive.
+
+"Father wants him to go," she said.
+
+"He will have to go soon, because term begins in a few days," I
+answered.
+
+"But why shouldn't a man be a Liberal if he wants to be?  We are about
+a hundred years behind the times down here."
+
+"And had better stay there if we want peace," I added.
+
+"Are you a Liberal?"
+
+"Goodness knows."
+
+"I like a man who knows what he is."
+
+"You mean you like The Bradder; why not say so?"
+
+"Because I meant nothing of the kind.  We are going to walk over to
+Chipping Norbury, if you will come with us."
+
+"I can't.  I have promised to call on Mrs. Faulkner, who won't see me."
+
+"Mrs. Faulkner has been rude to mother, and has behaved very
+foolishly," Nina said, in a way which she considered impressive and I
+thought humorous.
+
+So The Bradder and Nina went to Chipping Norbury without me, and he
+stayed for three more days, by which time even my father did not want
+him to go, though he talked to my mother about him as one of those
+misguided young men who want England to stand on its head just to see
+what it would look like.
+
+I found out afterwards that The Bradder described my father to some one
+as a mixture of cayenne pepper and kindness, and, since there was no
+harm in it, I passed it on.
+
+"I won't have people making up these things about me," he said, but he
+chuckled, and I am sure he liked the cayenne pepper part of the mixture.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+THE HEDONISTS
+
+Fred Foster's people came back from India during the summer, and he
+spent all the vac with them, though I tried to make him come to us for
+the shooting.  He had, however, got an idea that Nina did not want him,
+and nothing I could do was successful in removing it.  I told him that
+Nina had been greatly improved by Paris; I did not like the expression,
+but I did not see why he should think it ridiculous.  Still, if he
+meant to be obstinate it was no use wasting time in writing letters at
+which he gibed, so I left him alone.
+
+Jack Ward managed to appease his father, and having done it he set out
+on a campaign which for thoroughness beat anything I have ever
+discovered.  He went off at the end of July to stay with a tutor who
+coached him in history and rowing, and he stayed with him until the
+Oxford term began.  The tutor was a rowing blue who did not, from
+Jack's account of him, mind how little work his pupils did as long as
+they were ready to go on the river, but Jack assured me that he had
+read for four or five hours every day.  To start with a history coach
+two years before his schools struck me as being magnificent, but Jack
+would not hear a word against his way of spending the vac.
+
+"He may not know much history," he said to me when we got back to
+Oxford, "but he's a rare good sort, and he says I'm a natural oar.
+Besides, he's a sportsman."
+
+"What's that?" I asked, for I used the word "sportsman" to mean so many
+things.
+
+"He doesn't bother people; you can play cards if you like, and he has a
+billiard table.  He is a nailer at cork pool."
+
+"Is he?" I said, and asked no more about him, for I have a horror of
+nailers at any sort of pool, having once been hopelessly fleeced by
+some of them.
+
+"I won a pot," Jack went on gaily, "in the scratch fours at Wallhead
+regatta--I rowed in two regattas.  Not so bad; and now I've got to go
+down to the river every day and be coached by men who don't know the
+difference between an oar and a barge pole.  Well, it's all part of the
+game."
+
+"What's the game?" I asked.
+
+"Look here, Godfrey, something's happened to you.  You've gone stupid;
+it's _your_ game.  To buck St. Cuthbert's up, get rid of these
+confounded slackers, squash them flat, and we are going to do it, you
+see if we don't.  Dennison was drunk last night or pretended to be, and
+he and his gang invaded a lot of freshers and then asked them all to
+breakfast.  That crowd are no more use to a college than a headache.
+Fancy coming to Oxford to be ragged by Dennison!"
+
+"It does seem rather futile."
+
+"Futile!" Jack exclaimed scornfully, and then proceeded to say what he
+called it; "but if you have given up caring what happens I shall chuck
+up the whole thing," he concluded.
+
+"I have not given up caring, but I have tried once and got laughed at
+for my trouble.  I don't believe you can squash men like Dennison when
+they once get into a college; they are like black beetles, and you
+can't get rid of them unless you kill them."
+
+"We can try," Jack said.
+
+"I tried, and most men thought me a fool.  The only thing to do is to
+leave them alone; but the worst of it is that we can't help meeting
+Dennison at dinners and things.  He smiled on me the other day as if I
+was his best friend."
+
+"He didn't smile at me."
+
+"I think he hates you; I can't get properly hated, when I try to show
+Dennison I loathe him he smiles.  There's something wrong with me
+somewhere."
+
+"You are too rottenly good-natured."
+
+"I never thought of that," I said.
+
+"That's it," Jack declared; "I saw Lambert hitting you on the back in
+the quad this morning."
+
+"I told him that if he did it again I should throw Stubbs' Charters at
+his head," I replied in self-defence.
+
+"But, don't you see, Lambert would never hit me on the back.  He is one
+of the most gorgeous slopers we have got, and twangs his banjo for
+Dennison to sing what they call erotic ballads.  You've not got enough
+dignity."
+
+"Steady on," I said, for with too much of one thing and not enough of
+another I was beginning to think that it was about time for him to
+discover something of which I had the proper amount.
+
+"Don't get angry," he returned, "I only meant to explain why your shot
+to buck the college up failed.  You're too popular, that's it."
+
+I spoke plainly to him.
+
+"It's no use talking like that," he went on; "say you'll help me, and
+we'll have a go at squashing this ragging lot.  It wouldn't matter so
+much if they could do anything decently, but they are the very men who
+ought to go and bury themselves because they won't try to do anything.
+Let us do something first and then have a good wholesome rag, but for
+heaven's sake let us shut up until we have done it."
+
+Jack had only just left my rooms when, as if to prove what he had said,
+Lambert strolled in and asked me if I would let him have lunch with me.
+My table-cloth was laid and I couldn't tell him that I was lunching
+out, so I told him that Murray was coming.  He replied that he liked
+Murray, and since that had failed I said that I was going to play
+footer and had very little time, but he answered that he would not be
+able to stay for more than half-an-hour.  Meals with Lambert were apt
+to get less simple as they went on, for he had a habit of saying that
+he wanted nothing and then of demanding port with his cheese and
+liqueurs to save him from indigestion, but I could not get rid of him,
+so apart from making up my mind that his luncheon should be as short as
+possible, I left him alone.
+
+He read the paper for a few minutes and then asked me if I did not like
+his waistcoat.  It looked to me like some new kind of puzzle, so I
+asked him if he had the answer in his pocket, but he was looking at it
+thoughtfully and did not answer.
+
+"Nice shade, isn't it?" he said presently.
+
+I thought that there was more glare than shade about it and told him so.
+
+"It's unique," he declared, and at last I was able to agree with him.
+
+"Have you called on that man Thornton?" he asked, and stood up so that
+he could see his waistcoat and himself in the glass.
+
+"I never call on anybody.  I have had a lot of freshers to meals, but I
+don't know Thornton; he is supposed to be cracked, isn't he?"
+
+"Of course he is.  We've got a splendid rag on.  I thought of it, and
+Dennison is going to work it out.  Do you think this coat fits properly
+in the back?  I met Collier this morning and he swore it didn't."
+
+"What's the rag?" I asked.
+
+Clarkson came in with a message from Murray to say that he could not
+come to luncheon.
+
+"That's a good job," Lambert remarked.
+
+"I thought you liked Murray," I answered.
+
+"He would not have cared about our rag.  I don't suppose Collier knows
+when a coat fits, he's so fat that a petticoat would suit him better
+than a pair of trousers."
+
+"Here's lunch," I said, and as soon as I had got him away from the spot
+where he could examine his clothes, I asked again what was going to
+happen.
+
+"Thornton is absolutely green, Dennison will be able to do exactly what
+he likes with him."
+
+"Poor brute."
+
+"I can never make out why you pretend to hate Dennison, he wouldn't
+mind being friends with you; besides, it makes things very disagreeable
+for me."
+
+"I don't pretend anything," I said.
+
+"At any rate it's very stupid of you; you are both Mohocks, and ought
+to be friends."
+
+I thought he had come on a peace mission, so, to prevent waste of time,
+I said what I thought of Dennison.
+
+"You make a mistake about him altogether," he said.  "Got any port?"
+
+"You'll get as fat as Collier if you aren't careful, and it wouldn't
+suit you a bit," I replied, and stayed in my chair.
+
+"Port doesn't make people fat," but he spoke doubtfully.
+
+"You know best, but I should advise you to be careful.  What's the rag?"
+
+He shot his cuffs down and stroked his upper lip, as he always did when
+he was going to say anything which he thought interesting.
+
+"Dennison is getting it up, which means that it will be jolly well
+done.  He has found out that Thornton knows nothing, so he is teaching
+him a lot.  To begin with, he has invented a society called 'The
+Hedonists,' which is supposed to get pleasure out of anything
+extraordinary, and he has filled up Thornton with the idea that he is
+the very man to be President if we can get him elected."
+
+"Does he believe all that?"
+
+"He believes it all right; Dennison is splendid at that sort of thing.
+But we must make some opposition, or Thornton might think it was too
+easy a job, so we are getting Webb to stand against Thornton, and
+Dennison and I want you to propose him.  We thought it would be a
+chance to show that you didn't mean all that rot you talked about us
+last year."
+
+"I meant every word of it," I replied, but Lambert shook his head.
+
+"Really you didn't," he said.  "Dennison declares that you hate smugs
+and prigs and the sort of men who wear red ties and baggy trousers.
+Besides, you have fair rows with the dons yourself.  You are made to
+enjoy yourself; that's all about it, and it is time some benefactor
+told you so."
+
+"I shan't have anything to do with this rag; it seems to be playing a
+pretty low-down game on a fresher, and if I can stop it I shall.  Tell
+Dennison that from me," I replied.
+
+Lambert got up and put his fingers into the pockets of his waistcoat.
+"Don't be a fool, Marten," he said sadly, "if you had thought of this
+yourself you would have been delighted with the idea; it's so funny."
+
+"Ask Jack Ward to help you."
+
+"Ward!  Between ourselves Dennison and I think that Ward is rather a
+bounder."
+
+"I'll tell him; he will be glad to hear it."
+
+"You make me ill; can't you see that this is too good to miss?"
+
+"You'd better leave this wretched lunatic alone; but if you stand there
+talking until you spoil the pockets of your waistcoat I shan't help
+you."
+
+He took his fingers from his pockets and rearranged his tie.  "You
+disappoint me greatly," he said, and strode out of the room.
+
+Our footer match that afternoon was against Oriel, who play soccer
+better than rugger, so we beat them without much trouble.  Fred didn't
+play for them, because the captain of the 'Varsity team objected to his
+team playing in college matches, but he watched the game and came back
+to tea with me afterwards.  I wanted to give him a cheque for the fifty
+pounds I still owed him, for I had just got my year's allowance, and I
+thought I ought to pay him.  But he would not listen to what I said,
+and only tore up my cheque when I gave it to him.  "It's no use," he
+said, "you will only be short at the end of the year."
+
+That, I knew, was the truth, for economy was a thing which evaded me,
+however zealously I pursued it.
+
+"But I hate owing you money," I said, "and by the end of the year
+something may have happened."
+
+He only laughed, and told me that if I couldn't borrow money, which he
+did not want, from him, I must be a fool, and before I could say any
+more Jack Ward appeared.  Fred and he did not seem to be very pleased
+to see each other again, and since they always got on my nerves I went
+into my bedder to finish dressing.
+
+"Been staying with Godfrey this vac?" I heard Jack ask.
+
+"No; have you?" Fred answered.
+
+"Rather not," Jack said; "I've had no time to stay with anybody.  I'm
+trying to become a decent oar, and reading history--it simply takes all
+the time I've got.  I rowed a bit at school, but have never touched an
+oar for two years until last July."
+
+"It's rather a grind, isn't it?" Fred said; but from that moment he
+seemed to change his opinion of Jack, and if I could be a fool about
+some things I feel quite certain that Fred had been bothering his head
+about nothing for a very long time, which was not very sensible of him.
+I don't believe that Jack ever understood why Fred disliked him, and
+after he had pulled Nina out of the river the second time, I think he
+began to regard her solely as a safe and easy way to a Humane Society's
+medal.  If Fred would only have believed that there are some things
+which cannot stand repetition, I should have been saved a lot of
+trouble.
+
+When I went back to my sitter I found that the blight which had always
+settled upon them when they were together was disappearing quickly.
+They were talking quite amiably, and although I should have been glad
+to have said something to show that I noticed the change, I expect that
+it was prudent of me to be silent.  For the first time, as far as I
+could remember, we met without wondering how soon we could separate,
+and I had the sort of feeling which I should think a great-grandfather
+must have when he is celebrating his ninetieth birthday in the presence
+of his not too numerous descendants.  I just sat and felt placid for
+some time, until I woke up and told Fred that we were supposed to have
+a mad fresher in college.
+
+"You are always getting hold of freaks," he answered, and I asked him
+what he meant.
+
+"You've got about half-a-dozen men here whose names look as if they
+have been turned hind-before; St. Cuthbert's has always been a home for
+a peculiar brand of potentate."
+
+"Potentate!" I said scornfully; "besides, colour is not everything."
+
+"Prince, if you like."  But I knew that he was trying to draw me on, so
+I said nothing.  To hear me in defence of my own college was, I am
+sorry to say, a great pleasure to him.
+
+"Do you know how this report of Thornton being mad began?" Jack asked.
+"I'm rather keen on this, and believe it can be made into a much better
+rag than Lambert and Dennison think.  It may be a chance to squash them
+altogether."
+
+"Lambert has been trying to persuade me to help," I said.  "I told him
+I would have nothing to do with his blessed rag."
+
+"The best of the whole thing is that I don't believe Thornton is a
+lunatic.  Collier says he isn't, and both Learoyd and Murray say he's
+not mad, but awfully clever or a humorist."
+
+"Murray!" I exclaimed, but Jack was losing the power to astonish me
+very much.
+
+"He's all right, I met him in Learoyd's room," Jack said, and began to
+laugh.
+
+"So Thornton isn't mad after all, and you needn't talk about freaks," I
+told Fred.
+
+"Do you mind hearing about this?" Jack asked him; "it will be splendid
+if it only comes off.  It's like this: Lambert and Dennison are always
+looking out for freaks"--I wished he would not give Fred such chances
+to grin at me--"and Thornton's hair sticks up on end, and he never
+seems to know what he is going to do next.  Murray told me that he is
+like a very good pianist he met once, except that he can't play the
+piano.  At any rate he's odd, and that was the reason why Dennison
+asked him to lunch.  And Lambert, do you know him?"
+
+Fred shook his head.
+
+"He is the kind of man who is built for processions and platforms and
+Lord Mayors' Shows," Jack explained; "he's gorgeous altogether."
+
+"I saw him at your smoker," Fred said.
+
+"He's one of the sights of the place, and he began to talk to Thornton
+about champagne."
+
+"He always talks about clothes or wine," I put in.
+
+"Thornton pretended--at least, I'll bet he pretended--to know nothing
+about champagne.  So Lambert told him the best brand was Omar Khayyam
+of '78, and that by a stroke of luck it could still be got at a place
+in the High.  They thought Thornton swallowed that all right, so
+Dennison told him that if he couldn't get Omar Khayyam he must get some
+Rosbach of '82.  After that they asked what sort of fly he used for
+quail; of course the man must have been simply too sick of them to say
+anything."
+
+"Lambert never told me anything about the champagne," I said.
+
+"I expect that was because he and Dennison nearly had a row about it;
+he swore that he thought about Omar Khayyam, and Dennison swore that he
+did--a rotten sort of thing to quarrel about, anyway.  I never heard of
+the man until yesterday.  I've often heard of Rosbach," he added.
+
+"What's going to happen now?" Fred asked, and from some cause or other
+he was shaking with laughter.
+
+Jack told him about the Hedonists, and finished up by saying that he
+must go to see Thornton.
+
+"What's the good of that?" I asked.
+
+"I want to see if he isn't having a huge joke all to himself; if he is
+we may as well help him with it."
+
+As soon as Fred had gone away Jack persuaded me to go with him and call
+on Thornton.  He had got hold of a scheme which Murray and Learoyd had
+started, and as its object seemed to be to score off Dennison I was not
+going to be out of it.  We found Thornton sitting in an arm-chair with
+his feet on the mantelpiece, and Jack seeing that he was alone sported
+the oak so that we could not be interrupted.
+
+"I should think," Thornton said, as he pushed his chair back, "that I
+must have had over thirty men in here to-day.  There were seventeen
+before twelve o'clock.  I am thinking of putting a visitors' book in
+the passage, so that they can write their names and go away.  Are you
+going to back me up to-morrow night?" he asked Jack.
+
+"They have persuaded you to stand?"
+
+"Dennison says it would be such a bad thing for the college if this man
+Webb got in.  Of course it is a great honour for a fresher, but I am
+used to speaking; we have a debating society at home."  He spoke as if
+the whole thing was not in the least important, and ran his fingers
+through his hair until it stood straight up on end.  It was the sort of
+hair which looked like stubble.
+
+Jack was so discouraged that he did not know what to say, so I asked
+Thornton if he expected to be elected.
+
+"There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that; there are only about
+thirty members, and quite half of them have promised to support me.
+Webb of course is better known, but in some cases it does no harm to
+keep oneself in the background until the last moment.  Then I shall
+speak."  He seemed to think that his speech would settle everything
+completely.
+
+I wandered round the room waiting for Jack to bring forward his scheme
+if he could remember it, but he was sitting on the table sucking at a
+pipe which had no tobacco in it, so I drifted over to a book-case, and
+nearly the first book I saw was an edition of _Omar Khayyam_.  This
+surprised me so much that I turned round to see if Thornton really
+looked like a lunatic, but I got no satisfaction from him, for I had
+once seen a man who might have been his brother, and then I had been
+playing cricket against an asylum.  He was lying back in his chair
+gazing at the ceiling, and I pulled _Omar Khayyam_ out of the case and
+put it on the table for Jack to see.  Then I sat down and waited for
+results, but I had to make no end of signs before he would take any
+notice of the book, for he was in such a state of despondency that I
+believe he thought I was trying to talk on my fingers.  At last his eye
+fell on the book, and after I had nodded furiously at him, he jumped
+off the table and stood in front of Thornton.
+
+"You read _Omar Khayyam_?" he said, holding the book in his hand.
+
+Thornton stopped staring at the ceiling and sat forward with his elbows
+resting on his knees.  "Yes," he answered; "at least, I used to until I
+knew it by heart."
+
+"He's a good brand of champagne," Jack went on.
+
+"Are you a friend of Dennison's?" Thornton asked, and there was a kind
+of hunted look in his eyes.
+
+"I'm not," I hastened to tell him, and at that moment I looked at my
+watch and discovered that I had already kept The Bradder waiting for
+ten minutes, so I had to go just as things were becoming interesting.
+
+Jack assured me afterwards that Thornton was not mad.  "But," he added,
+"he's very odd, and I believe he's in a mortal terror that, unless he
+goes on pretending to be a fool, these men will do something much worse
+to him than make him president of a society which doesn't exist.  So
+I've put Murray to speak to him; this will be the talk of the 'Varsity,
+and I don't see what good there is in keeping prize idiots.  I have
+told him to go on playing up to Dennison for a bit, and then we would
+help him."
+
+I did not think, however, that it would be very easy to save Thornton,
+and when Collier and I went to the meeting of the Hedonists on the
+following evening we agreed that whether he was mad or only very
+simple, he was sure to be in for a bad time.  Although Dennison had
+moved into some of the biggest rooms in college, they were crowded when
+we got to them, and it was very difficult to get Collier inside the
+door.  Dennison and a few other men were sitting at a table at the far
+end of the room, and just as we arrived a fourth-year man got up to
+speak.
+
+I suppose that his business was to explain why the Hedonists existed.
+At any rate, he said that it was his duty before he, as the out-going
+President, broke his wand of office to remind the Society that it
+existed for two definite objects--the pursuit of pleasure, and the
+suppression of vulgarity.  He then went on to state that Mr. Wilkins,
+formerly of St. Cuthbert's, had kindly consented to give an account of
+his travels in Central Africa.
+
+"Formerly of St. Cuthbert's," described Wilkins correctly, for he had
+been sent down after one term, and since then had been living an
+alcoholic existence in a farm-house a few miles outside Oxford.  His
+appearance was comical, but he was really a dreadful barbarian, who
+thought that it was better to gain notoriety as a hard drinker than to
+be forgotten entirely.  He began by telling us that he had never been
+to Central Africa, and hoped sincerely that he never should go.  He
+also told us that the reason why he was addressing the Society was a
+rumour that his aunt had met several African explorers at dinner, but
+he wished to say that she was no more of a lion-hunter than he was.  In
+this way he strove desperately to be amusing, but the struggle was very
+painful, and I was glad when he had finished.
+
+The President then broke his wand of office, which for some obscure
+reason was a bulrush painted white, and Thornton and Webb, who had been
+sitting behind the table, were put up for election and called upon to
+speak.  Webb developed a stammer, and although he had his speech
+written on his shirt-cuff, no one could hear what he said.  He was,
+however, received with a lot of applause, so that Thornton might think
+the election was genuine; Dennison had certainly packed the meeting
+with great care.
+
+Thornton's speech was, in its way, almost too amusing, for I found it
+very hard to believe that any one who was not more or less mad could
+possibly make it.  He spoke at a tremendous pace, sometimes talking
+utter nonsense, and then as if by chance saying something almost
+sensible.  Voting-papers were given to twenty-five picked men after he
+had finished, and Thornton was elected President by fourteen votes to
+eleven.  The meeting finished by Thornton thanking everybody in a voice
+which sounded tearful, and then he announced that the annual dinner of
+the Hedonists would be held at The Sceptre on the following Friday
+evening, at which the ceremonies of inauguration would be held, and he
+would be the only guest of the Society in accordance with its ancient
+and honourable traditions.
+
+"Don't you think he is mad?" I said to Jack as I walked across the quad
+with him.
+
+"The only danger is that they may find out that he is rotting the whole
+lot of them.  He overdid the thing to-night.  Come and see Murray."
+
+We found Murray waiting to hear what had happened at the meeting, and
+from the account we gave him he said that it could not have gone off
+more successfully.  "If you think Thornton mad when you know that he
+isn't, there is no reason for Dennison to change his mind.  Besides,
+these men are quite certain that he is cracked, and as long as we are
+careful they won't suspect anything."
+
+"We shall have to be most tremendously careful," Jack said, and he
+seemed to find the prospect oppressive.
+
+"I'll manage Thornton," Murray continued, "and what you men have got to
+do is to get asked to this dinner.  We shall have to take some others
+into this."
+
+We sat down and chose several men who disliked the Dennison gang, and
+who could be trusted not to give our scheme away by talking about it,
+and during the next few days we had to work hard.  Dennison and
+Lambert, however, were so confident that this dinner was going to be
+the finest rag ever held in Oxford that they did not mind who came to
+it.  Collier got several invitations for us, because he had a nice
+solid way of sitting down in a man's rooms and waiting until he was
+given what he wanted; but apart from Jack it was not difficult for us
+to get to The Sceptre, and at last even Jack was invited.  Murray said
+that his part was to prepare Thornton, and he refused to go to the
+dinner, because Dennison might wonder why he wanted to be there.  I
+thought that Murray carried caution to extremes.
+
+I should think that there were nearly forty men at this function; but
+the only guest was Thornton, so he began by scoring something.  It was
+an elaborate affair; Dennison as Secretary of the Hedonists, and two or
+three men who called themselves Ex-Presidents, wore enormous badges,
+and Thornton's shirt was covered with orders and decorations which were
+supposed to have been worn by eighty-eight consecutive Presidents.  How
+any one who was sane could possibly consent to be made such a fool
+puzzled me altogether, and it required all Jack's assurances to make me
+believe that we should not be scored off all along the line.
+
+After the dinner was finished Dennison got up to introduce the
+President of the year, but all he did was to give a short biography of
+Thornton, which for impudence was simply terrific.  Everything had gone
+so well up to then that I suppose he could not keep himself in hand any
+longer; but as he was bounder enough to pull Thornton's people into his
+speech, he succeeded in disgusting several men who had been helping him
+in the rag.  He finished up by saying that Thornton would give his
+inaugural address, and that afterwards the historic ceremonies of the
+Hedonists would be performed.
+
+A man with a voice which was a mixture of a street hawker's and a
+parish clerk's stood up and chanted, "I call upon Mr. Edward Noel
+Kenneth Thornton to put on the purple presidential cap and to deliver
+his inaugural address to this ancient and historic Society."  The cap,
+which had a long black tassel, was then handed to Thornton, and he put
+it on amidst tremendous applause.  It made him look more ridiculous
+than ever, but he seemed to be perfectly calm when he got up and bowed
+solemnly in every direction.
+
+"Mr. Ex-Presidents and fellow-members of this justly-celebrated
+Hedonist Society," he began, and every word he said could be heard
+plainly, "we are here to-night in obedience to custom and in pursuit of
+pleasure.  Custom is one thing and pleasure is another, but we are
+fortunate in belonging to a Society which makes its customs pleasant,
+and which has such skilled hands to guide its pleasures that the word
+customary fails entirely to describe them."  He paused for a moment,
+and a man near me asked what he was talking about, but Webb answered
+quickly that he was a hopeless madman, and that the ceremonies would be
+the real joke.  "That I, a freshman," he continued, "should be elected
+President of this Society fills me with gratitude and even dismay, for
+I fear that the duties of so distinguished an office will be but
+inadequately performed during the coming year."  Loud cries of "No"
+followed this remark, and he went on, "You are good enough to disagree
+with me, and perhaps the ceremonies connected with my office may help
+me to fulfil my duties.  I will tell you what those ceremonies are."
+Dennison tried to stop him, but he was speaking quickly and took no
+notice of the interruption.  "After my address has been given I put on
+my robes of office and ride on a mule from here to St. Cuthbert's; I am
+to be accompanied by the band of the Society, and attended by six men
+who will carry syphons of Apollinaris water and prevent my robes from
+being soiled by the dust of the streets.  Had I known before I came
+here that so much honour was about to be showered upon me I do not
+think that I should have considered myself worthy of being your
+President.  I forgot to say that I am provided with an umbrella."  I
+looked at Dennison, and he did not seem to be feeling very comfortable;
+Thornton, however, had kept up the _role_ of a madman thoroughly, and
+had spoken of the ceremonies as if he was quite prepared to carry them
+out.  Some men were shouting with laughter, but Jack was almost pale
+with anxiety, and whispered to me that he was afraid Thornton would get
+flurried and finish his speech too soon.  As soon as the laughter had
+stopped he went on speaking, and although he looked terribly pale and
+bothered, he was never at a loss for words.  "I am, I have been told,
+the eighty-ninth man to fill this important office, and when I think of
+my predecessors, some of whom have doubtless passed away, I am filled
+with a sense of my unfitness for the post which I fill.  The whole fate
+of this Society depends upon its President; without him to guide the
+members in their pursuit of pleasure they would be left to drift into
+undignified amusements, and might even end by taking such absurd things
+as degrees.  At all cost we must avoid banality."  As if in the
+excitement of the moment, he swept his hands over his head and knocked
+off his cap.  "However, my fellow Hedonists, I think I may say that
+your last President has entered earnestly into the spirit of this
+Society.  Its aim, you remember, is pleasure--not any vulgar or
+ordinary pleasure, but refined and exclusive amusement--that is written
+in the rules of the Society as they were given to me, and I need not
+remind those who are present to-night that it is their duty to obey
+them."  He rested his right hand on his shirt, and continued quickly,
+"I, at any rate, have obeyed them to the letter.  I have, if I may say
+so, got more amusement out of this evening than I have ever had in my
+life, and as your eighty-ninth President I declare this magnificent
+Society at an end."  Dennison, Lambert, and one or two others jumped
+up, but Thornton told them loudly not to interrupt him, and several of
+us shouted for him to go on with his speech.  "I have had an
+exceedingly good dinner, and my last word must be one of sympathy with
+Mr. Dennison, who, thinking that I was a bigger fool than he was, has
+invented a society of which, I am sure you will all acknowledge, he is
+the only man worthy to be President.  I hope that you will see that he
+performs the ceremonies which he has arranged for me."  As he finished
+he took off all his badges and tossed them across the table to Dennison.
+
+There was a good deal of noise during the concluding sentences of his
+speech, but the so-called Hedonists were so astonished that they did
+nothing, and Thornton very prudently did not wait to see what would
+happen next.  Dennison was in a miserable state because he was
+violently angry and trying to grin, and before the general hubbub had
+stopped, two men out of our eight, who had never forgiven him for
+laughing at their rowing, picked him up and carried him out of the
+room.  In a minute Dennison, with the purple cap on his head, was
+sitting on the donkey, and a procession had started to St. Cuthbert's.
+When we got back to college we succeeded in taking possession of the
+porter who answered our knocks, and in getting both the moke and
+Dennison into the quad.  I was so engaged with the porter that I did
+not see whether Dennison entered in state, but at any rate he had to
+ride round the quad two or three times, and crowds of men were there to
+see him do it.  Finally, the Subby and The Bradder appeared, and gave
+orders that the donkey should leave the college; so as soon as Dennison
+had dismounted, his steed was handed over to its owner, who was waiting
+in the street.  Then some of us paid a call on the porter to see if he
+could develop a bad memory for faces, but the only thing we found out
+from him was that his temper was bad, and that we had known before.  As
+I went back to my rooms I met Lambert, who drew himself up in front of
+me as if he was on parade.
+
+"Don't think," he said, "that you have heard the last of this."
+
+"We shall never hear the last of it," I answered,
+
+"We know that you played this dirty trick."
+
+"You can know what you please," I said.
+
+"I told you about Thornton, and then you prepare this behind our backs."
+
+"The whole college, and nearly the whole 'Varsity knew about Thornton,
+so you needn't talk such rot to me.  Crowds of out-college men were
+here to see him come in to-night."
+
+"You arranged the whole thing."
+
+"You may think whatever you like," I replied; and he strode away with a
+warning that I had better look out for myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+ONE WORD TOO MANY
+
+The collapse of the Hedonists placed me in a very curious position, for
+by some freak of fortune an idea spread through the 'Varsity that I had
+been responsible for it, and whenever I went to Vincent's I was always
+button-holed by men who asked me to tell them what had happened.  It
+was almost as bad as Nina falling into the "Cher," for a tale thirty
+times told is as flavourless as sauce kept in an uncorked bottle.  I
+could not say that Murray was the man to explain the whole thing, for
+he was most extraordinarily anxious that his name should not be
+mentioned.  I thought that he carried discretion beyond the bounds of
+decency, but Jack said that if it had not been for him we should never
+have made a fool of Dennison, and this was so far true that I stopped
+myself from making one or two forcible remarks.  The immediate result
+of our procession was that a great many people seemed to be
+incoherently angry.  I had interviews with both the Warden and the
+Subby, and I am sorry to say that our porter had told them that I had
+hit him in the ribs.  I had done nothing of the kind, but it was
+necessary that he should be taken for a short walk, and I did put my
+arm through his and keep myself between him and the donkey until it was
+safely in the quad.  I am sure that the Warden understood that I would
+not hit any one in the ribs, and I think his annoyance was due chiefly
+to the fact that some one had told a reporter a lot of things which
+were not true, and there were accounts of the Hedonists in some of the
+London papers.  But the fact of a donkey being in our quad had got on
+the Subby's nerves, and he gated me for a month without listening to
+what I had to say.  He also told me that I ought to consider myself
+very lucky not to be sent down for the term.  Several other men,
+including Dennison, were gated for a fortnight, and I had great
+difficulty in keeping Jack from going to the Subby, to ask him if he
+would not do something to him.  It was very silly of Jack to think of
+pushing himself into this row, but instead of thanking his stars that
+he had not been seen, he was furious with me when I told him to keep
+away from the Subby; and a lot of other men in St. Cuthbert's who would
+have been glad to help in squashing Dennison, were angry because they
+had never been told of our plans.
+
+Collier, who had not been gated, told me by way of comfort that virtue
+is its own reward, but if this is true, I really think that virtue is
+badly handicapped, and that those who practise it should get something
+more substantial to satisfy them.  I began to think that if ever there
+was another attempt to do anything for the college I should be too busy
+to take any part in it.  There was, however, one thing which cheered me
+during these days of bad temper, and that was a report that Dennison
+and Lambert were vowing vengeance upon me.  I hoped most sincerely that
+they would try to do something, for I should have received them with
+pleasure.  But their threats never came to anything, for as the days
+passed by and every one knew how completely they had been scored off,
+their desire for revenge seemed to wane.  Ridicule smothered them, and
+try as they would to live it down, their influence, as far as the
+college was concerned, disappeared entirely.  Some of the set pulled
+themselves up and became more or less silent, while others continued to
+shriek at night, and to go to the theatre for the purpose of making a
+row, which seems to me to be nearly the end of all things.
+
+In a week the Hedonists were almost forgotten, and when the storm had
+blown over, Murray was not so anxious that I should have all the credit
+of having caused it.  But by that time no one cared to know who had
+thought of preparing Thornton for the dinner, and Murray treated me as
+if I had robbed him of something.  I think he must have been working
+too hard, or suffering from some secret illness, for I had already told
+a hundred men that it was not in me to make a plot of any kind, and
+that if I had been responsible for this one it would never have been
+successful.  Murray's indignation came too late to have any effect, and
+as I thought he was quite unreasonable I made no attempt to pacify him.
+
+After things had settled down again no one could help seeing that the
+fall of Dennison and his friends had done no end of good to the
+college.  The men who can be only described as absolute slackers do not
+often get the chance of having any influence in a college, but for some
+reason or other Dennison had become the fashion among a certain set in
+St. Cuthbert's, and if we were ever to do anything properly again it
+was time for the fashion to change.  There are many ways of making
+yourself conspicuous in Oxford, and Dennison chose the one which the
+majority of men never have been able to put up with.  I think St.
+Cuthbert's during my first two years had most unusually bad luck; we
+were suffering, like the agricultural interest, from years of
+depression, and we tobogganed down the hill instead of trying to pull
+ourselves to the top of it again.  I suppose other colleges have their
+troubles, but while I was at Oxford no college had such a desperate
+struggle as St. Cuthbert's.
+
+My interviews with The Bradder during the first two or three weeks of
+this term were most strictly business-like.  I was afraid that he would
+speak to me of the Hedonists, and as I had no intention of saying a
+word to him about them I never stayed with him longer than I could
+possibly help.  Dons, however, find out things without asking
+undergraduates, and the man who imagines that they are not troubling
+themselves about him is in danger of having rather a rude awakening, if
+he happens to be doing things which do not please them.  Our dons must
+have known all about Dennison, and I believe they fixed their eyes most
+steadfastly upon him.  At any rate, his father, who was a barrister,
+must have heard something, because he paid a surprise visit to Oxford.
+There is something horribly mean about surprise visits, whatever
+information may be got from them, and for the first time in my life I
+felt a little sympathy for Dennison.
+
+Whether his father thought this visit successful or not I do not know,
+but he certainly found out a lot in a short time and came to a very
+definite decision.  He called on Dennison at ten o'clock and found him
+sleeping, he called again at twelve o'clock with the same result; at
+one o'clock he discovered him sitting at breakfast in his
+dressing-gown.  Lambert was unfortunate enough to hear some of the
+interview which followed, and he said that Dennison's defence was very
+clever, but that he broke down under cross-examination.
+
+"I have never seen such a man as old Dennison," I heard Lambert telling
+some one in the common-room; "he looked like a piece of marble, and
+when I went in and wanted to bolt he treated me as if I was an
+office-boy, and said that as he believed I was a particular friend of
+his son's it would do me good to stay.  The worst of it was that
+Dennison wasn't very well, and was having a pick-me-up with his
+brekker.  He wasn't in bed until four this morning, so it's no wonder
+he didn't look very fit."
+
+On the following afternoon Dennison left Oxford; he was not sent down
+by the dons, but had to go for the simple reason that his father said
+he would not let him stay any longer.  His friends took him down to the
+station, and there was a procession of cabs and a noise, but I am sure
+that there was a feeling of relief in the college when he had gone.
+Jack and I told each other that we were sorry that his end had come so
+suddenly, although if any one had asked me what I meant, I am sure that
+I could not have given any explanation.  It is not very hard to guess
+what would have happened to him if his father had not acted as he did,
+and if you have to leave Oxford abruptly I should think the best way is
+to be hurried off by your people; it must save so many explanations
+when you get home.
+
+What happened to Dennison I cannot say; somebody said that he was going
+round the world or on to the Stock Exchange, but Lambert denied both
+these reports, and declared that he had reformed so violently that he
+had become a teetotaler and intended to wear a blue riband in his
+button-hole.  I doubted the blue riband part of the story, and if
+Dennison ever wore one I think it would only be on Boat-race day, for
+it takes a tremendous lot of courage to wear a badge of any kind.
+
+After Dennison had disappeared, Jack and I saw The Bradder nearly every
+day.  His keenness on the college increased instead of wearing off with
+time, and he seemed to be exactly the right kind of man to be a don.
+His energy was really terrific, and I received more goads than I could
+endure conveniently, so I passed some of them on to Jack and chose
+those which I liked the least, not, I am afraid, the ones which Jack
+might be inclined to receive with patience.
+
+The Bradder persuaded me to join both a Shakespearian and a Browning
+Society, and as I could not plunge into such things by myself I dragged
+Jack with me.  The Shakespearian Society was pleasant enough, but after
+two meetings of the Browningites Jack said flatly that he would not go
+again.  Some of the Browning men objected to the windows being opened,
+and it is very difficult to keep awake in a stuffy room when you have
+been taking hard exercise in the afternoon.  Jack, at any rate, snored
+so loudly at the second meeting that he shocked the President, and when
+he woke up he interrupted a discussion by giving a very fluent lecture
+on the advantages of ventilation.  I expect that he would have been
+turned out of the society if he had not resigned, and I ought not to
+have dragged him into it, for he was so violently bored by the whole
+thing that he declared he must have a little pleasure to make him
+forget all about it.
+
+"Something in the open air," he said to me, when he came to my rooms on
+the morning after he had snored, and he looked at a volume of _Stubbs'
+Constitutional History_ as if he was very tired of it.  I was also
+feeling rather dull, for I had already got through a fortnight of my
+gating, and to be kept in college after nine o'clock night after night
+is not very exciting.
+
+"A little change is what we want," Jack went on, as I said nothing.
+
+"I can't do much," I answered; "I'm gated and you have got to row."
+
+"I've got a day off to-morrow; the stroke of my boat has to go to town
+and bow's ill."
+
+"Why not have a day's hunting?" I asked.
+
+"There is a little race-meeting down below Reading; you pulled me into
+that Browning thing and it is only fair for you to come to this."
+
+"But I shan't be back in time."
+
+"It's only about twenty miles beyond Reading, and there's no footer
+match, because I've looked to see.  Let's get Bunny Langham and have a
+rest, it will do us all no end of good.  Bunny is going in for
+politics--his father was President of the Union, and he has got to be,
+if he can.  I should think that there are more Presidents of things in
+Oxford than any other place in the world, unless it's Cambridge; but
+Bunny will stick some of his own poetry into his speeches, and the men
+at the Union don't like it.  You can tell him that if ever he expects
+to be President he must stop that game, he takes no notice of what I
+say about poetry.  You'll come?"
+
+We looked up trains and found out that we could be back by half-past
+six, so I said that I would go, and Jack went off to see Bunny Langham.
+As far as racing was concerned the Horndeane meeting was not very
+interesting, for there was not a close finish in any race which I saw,
+but if any one has a fancy for picking up very inexpensive horses I
+should advise them never to miss Horndeane.
+
+I was strolling about with Bunny and Jack after one race, and saw the
+winner of it brought out for sale.  It fetched a hundred and sixty
+guineas, and Jack said it was "dirt cheap."  Then another horse was put
+up, and I was surprised to hear some one bid ten guineas.  Such an
+offer seemed to me ridiculous for a race-horse, so without thinking,
+and just to help things on a bit, I said "eleven," and strolled on with
+Jack; but before we had gone far some one was asking my name, and
+another man was asking me what I wished him to do with the horse.  So
+many questions bothered me, and I tried to explain that I had made a
+mistake when I had said "eleven," but it seemed as if such mistakes did
+not count for much.
+
+"The horse is yours," one man said.
+
+"And he's got the temper of a fiend," the other man added, "and I
+should like you to find some one to take him at once."
+
+I was quite prepared to give him away if I could find any one foolish
+enough to have him, but Bunny wouldn't hear of it, and declared we
+would take him back to Oxford with us.  "He may be a gold mine, who
+knows?" he said.
+
+Jack laughed so much, that while I was surrounded by a lot of impatient
+people he was unable to help me at all, and I can tell those who have
+never had to suffer as I did, that to become an owner of a race-horse
+suddenly is a very awkward experience.
+
+My brute was called "Thunderer," and the man who had got hold of him
+said that his name was the only good thing about him, for he roared
+like the sea.  I wished heartily that some one would steal my horse,
+but every one seemed to be most distressingly anxious to keep as far
+away from him as possible.
+
+I suppose Bunny knew all about racers, for in a few minutes he had
+arranged for a horse-box to be put on our train, and Thunderer
+disappeared.  I seemed to spend the remainder of the afternoon in being
+asked for money by people who said they had done or were going to do
+something for me.  I found that my exalted position brought many
+burdens with it, and I was very glad when we left the race-course.
+Unfortunately, however, we trusted to Bunny's watch, and when we got to
+the station, which was on a little branch line, our train to Reading
+had gone.  There had been some bother about the horse-box, and the
+station-master and a number of people who took an unabating interest in
+me were quarrelling when we arrived.  I sat down on a bench and left
+Bunny to talk to them; I have never been so tired of anything in my
+life.
+
+Even if the next train was punctual we had to wait for an hour, and by
+no chance could we reach Oxford before half-past seven.  We should have
+been annoyed in any case, but Jack and I were very irritated because
+the Mohocks were meeting that evening, and we had men dining with us.
+The only thing to do was to telegraph and ask some one to look after
+our guests until we came, but the station had no telegraph-office, and
+if we wanted to send a telegram we had to go down to the village.
+
+A porter assured us that we could get to the post-office in ten
+minutes, and that the road was quite straight.  I don't know what he
+was thinking about, possibly of a bicycle and daylight, for the way to
+the village needed a lot of finding, and it took us quite half-an-hour
+to reach the post-office.  By that time a thick fog had risen.  We
+tried, and failed, to get any kind of vehicle to take us back to the
+station, so we started to run and lost our way.  The natural result was
+that we missed another train, and the stationmaster, who must have had
+an especial dislike for me, had not sent on the horse-box, and was more
+angry than ever.  Of all the obstinate people in the world I think a
+station-master at a small station can be easily first, and our efforts
+to soothe him produced no effect whatever.  Everything he said began
+with "I know my business," and I have always been inclined to doubt
+people who try to crush me with such unnecessary information.
+
+We got away eventually, but my misfortunes were not finished.  Our
+train was very late at Reading and there was no longer any chance for
+me to be in college by nine o'clock.  Jack, too, was bothered about the
+men whom he had asked to dinner, and Bunny alone remained in a state of
+unruffled contentment.
+
+When the train came at last I got into a carriage with only a glance at
+the people in it, and tried to go to sleep, but Bunny kept on talking
+about Thunderer and had magnificent schemes for my future benefit.  I
+regret to say that he was in what must have been a sportive mood, and
+asked me to choose my racing colours and my trainer.  He kept up a long
+series of questions which I did not answer, but which prevented me from
+going to sleep.  I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Jack slumbering
+in a corner, but when I looked at the man opposite to me I became most
+thoroughly awake.  This man, as far as I remember anything about him
+when I got into the carriage, had his head buried in a newspaper; now
+he was revealed as Mr. Edwardes, and having wished me "good-evening,"
+he added--quite superfluously--that he was surprised to see me.
+
+Bunny with more curiosity than good manners put on his glasses to look
+at Mr. Edwardes, and I, having to say something, thought that I might
+as well introduce them to each other, though I took care to mumble
+Bunny's name so that it could not be heard.  Mr. Edwardes bowed and
+opened his paper again, but Bunny having arrived at the fact that I was
+face to face with a don of some kind, thought he would try to pass the
+time pleasantly.  Considering what he had already said about
+race-horses nothing could have been more fatuous than his attempts to
+explain why I was not in Oxford.  He began by talking about British
+industries, and in a minute was saying that he thought a visit to
+Huntley and Palmer's biscuit manufactory was well worth a visit to
+Reading.  I kicked and nudged him incessantly, for the snubs which he
+received from Mr. Edwardes only seemed to encourage him.
+
+The distance between Reading and Oxford is happily not great, but by
+the time we had finished our journey I was in a state of profound
+discomfort, and though I had no love for Mr. Edwardes, I thought that
+Bunny might have had the sense to know that if he was amusing himself
+he was making things more difficult for me.  His explanation was that a
+man who looked like a frozen image was just as likely to believe that I
+had been inspecting Huntley and Palmer's manufactory as buying a
+race-horse, and at any rate it was a good thing to try and mix him up a
+little, but I can't say that I thought the explanation a good one.
+
+When we got to Oxford a man from a livery-stable was waiting for
+Thunderer, and Jack and I reached St. Cuthbert's just as the Mohocks
+were coming back to college after playing pool.  It was half-past ten
+before I could explain things to the men whom I had asked to dine with
+me, and when they heard that I had been buying a race-horse they
+thought that my excuses were good enough.
+
+The Bradder was dining with the Mohocks that evening, and when the
+out-college men had gone away he asked me to come to his rooms and have
+a smoke.  I looked at Jack, and The Bradder said at once, "Ask Ward to
+come with you," and walked off across the quad.
+
+We told him exactly what we had been doing, and I think Mr. Edwardes
+would have been rather surprised to see how he laughed.
+
+"What would Colonel Marten say if he knew you had bought a race-horse?"
+he asked me.
+
+"I hope to goodness he never will know," I answered.
+
+"What are you going to do with him?"
+
+"Sell him--if I can; Langham's got him in the stables where he keeps
+his horses, and if you would like to have a look at him, I'll take you
+round."
+
+But The Bradder shook his head.
+
+"You say Mr. Edwardes saw you at Reading, and that you are gated, and
+were not in college until ten o'clock.  I wish you would not do such
+stupid things," he said quite seriously.
+
+"It was the reaction," I replied.
+
+"From what?"
+
+"Browning," I said, and The Bradder did not look altogether pleased.
+
+"I am sorry you can't appreciate Browning."
+
+"I can't appreciate very many things at once.  Besides, Jack and I felt
+very dull."
+
+"Mr. Edwardes saw you, I suppose?" he asked Jack.
+
+"I should think so, but I don't think he knows me by sight."
+
+"Oh yes, he does," The Bradder said.  "Both of you are bound to hear
+more about this."
+
+"It's very unfortunate," Jack remarked; "you see there was a fog, and
+all sorts of unexpected things happened.  It has been a real bad day,"
+he added, as we left the room.
+
+On the following morning directly after breakfast Jack and I went round
+to see Bunny, and we found him talking to a man who looked like a groom
+from his head to his heels.  I groaned.
+
+"Sit down, Sam," Bunny said.  "That's Mr. Marten, the owner of the
+horse you are talking about."
+
+"Well, all I can say is what the Guv'nor told me to say.  I was to say
+this 'oss must leave our place this morning or there'll be trouble."
+
+"There seems to have been trouble already," Bunny replied.
+
+"'E's done enough damage for twenty 'osses.  Kick, you should see 'im;
+'e's kicked a loose box silly.  Our Guv'nor's fairly got 'is rag out."
+
+"He must wait until I've finished breakfast.  You'd better have a
+cigarette, Sam."
+
+"No, thank you," Sam answered, and looked at a cigar-box.
+
+"Help yourself," Bunny said.
+
+Sam helped himself and remarked that he had been up since five o'clock
+with that blessed 'oss, and that it was thirsty work.  So he helped
+himself again.  After that he did not seem to mind so much what the
+Guv'nor said, and told Bunny that he had never met a nobleman who
+didn't know how to treat people properly.
+
+We talked to Sam for some time, and just as Bunny was finishing
+breakfast another man came into the room.
+
+"I had forgotten all about you," Bunny said.  "I'm afraid this place is
+rather full of smoke," and he introduced his cousin, Mr. Eric Bruce.
+
+"I can't congratulate you on your memory," Bruce replied; "you forgot I
+was going to stay with you last night, and you forget I want any
+breakfast.  Funny chap, Augustus, isn't he?" he said to me.
+
+"Your wire never came until I had gone yesterday, so I couldn't forget
+you were coming," Bunny said, and rang the bell.
+
+"I'll tell the Guv'nor you'll be round in 'alf a jiffy," Sam said, and
+went out of the room jerkily, as if he had got a stiff leg.
+
+"What curious friends you have, Augustus, and what is ''alf a jiffy'?"
+Bruce asked.
+
+"Don't be a fool," Bunny answered, "and don't call me Augustus."
+
+"It's better than Gussy," Bruce declared, and though I should have been
+glad to contradict him, for I disliked him at sight, there is no doubt
+that he was right.
+
+"Is the man, who has gone, an elderly undergraduate or only a don?"
+Bruce went on.
+
+"He's from some stables round the corner.  Any one with two eyes could
+see that."
+
+"Rude as usual; my cousin's the oddest man," Bruce said to Jack.
+
+"Like to buy a horse?" Bunny asked him.
+
+"I'm ready to buy anything if I can sell it at a profit," he answered.
+
+"Well, swallow your breakfast and come and have a look.  You'll get
+your profit all right.  I've never known you when you didn't."
+
+In a few minutes we all went to the stables, and Bunny began haggling
+operations.  Bruce bid a "fiver" for Thunderer, and was told he would
+fetch that for cats' meat, and then the game went on.  In the end Bruce
+said he would give fifteen guineas, and take him to London that day.  I
+nearly seized him by the hand, and told him he was a rare good sort,
+which I was quite convinced he was not.  The livery-stable man did not
+seem to care what happened as long as Thunderer went away, and I must
+say that he made the least of his eccentricities.
+
+"That's a bit of luck," Bunny said to me when the bargain was settled,
+"I get rid of my cousin and a horse on the same day, both real bad
+lots.  He's our family pestilence," and he nodded at Bruce's back.
+
+For Jack's benefit I added up the result of my investment, and came to
+the conclusion that I was about eighteen-pence to the bad when I had
+paid for the damage Thunderer had done, and all the little incidental
+expenses connected with him.  You can't own a race-horse for nothing,
+and I think that I--or rather Bunny--did well.  I was told afterwards
+that Bruce raffled my horse and sold fifty tickets for a sovereign
+each, but I am not inclined to believe that story, and at any rate I
+should not have known where to find fifty fools.  I certainly could not
+have discovered them in Oxford, where some people, who have never been
+there, make the mistake of thinking they are to be found in crowds.
+
+I believe the dons held a meeting about Jack and me, for The Bradder
+told us there was a great difference of opinion about the sort of men
+we were.  I tried to get more out of him, but failed.  However, we got
+off lightly, for Jack was only gated for a week, while I was given a
+lecture by the Subby, and had a week added to my term of imprisonment.
+
+The Bradder also advised me to give up going to race-meetings.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+A TUTORSHIP
+
+I was beginning to forget that I had ever been the owner of a
+race-horse when I got a furious letter from my father.  The Warden had
+told my uncle, and my uncle lost his head and wrote to my people
+instead of to me.  A tale of this kind always flies round at a
+tremendous pace, and it was difficult to make every one believe that I
+had never meant to buy the horse, and that as soon as I had bought him
+my one desire was to get rid of him.  I found out afterwards that the
+Warden only told my uncle because he thought the tale would amuse him,
+but apparently he expressed himself in such very curious language that
+he gave the impression of being annoyed.  After I had soothed my people
+the Bishop wrote to me that the turf had been the ruin of many young
+men, but when I thought of the part I had played upon it I came to the
+conclusion that I was not likely to be added to the number.  My uncle
+referred to racing as "a fascinating and very expensive pleasure," and
+I assured him that I had not found it fascinating, and that my
+experience had cost me eighteen-pence, the cheapness of which he had to
+admit.  I am glad that I added up my expenses, for that eighteen-pence
+was very useful, it was such a delightfully ridiculous sum to brandish
+at any one who thought that I was trotting down the road to perdition.
+
+During the rest of the term we were very quiet in St. Cuthbert's.  I
+was able to play rugger for the college in nearly every match, for my
+days in the 'Varsity fifteen had ended.  Hogan was better than ever,
+while I had fallen away to the kind of man who Blackheath ask to play
+for them when half their team are crocked and the other half have
+influenza.  I did not mind, however, for our college fifteen was only
+beaten by Trinity and Keble, and our soccer team, chiefly owing to
+three or four freshers, was also much better than it had been for years.
+
+Things were improving all round, and Jack's energy was almost
+exhausting to those who watched it.  He seemed to me to be hunting for
+societies to join, and he went round sampling them and finding out that
+they did not suit him.  Bunny Langham succeeded in getting himself
+elected Secretary of the Union, and he told me that he was going to
+have several cabinet ministers down to speak in the following term, and
+should give them a jolly good dinner.  He asked Jack and me to meet
+them, but only one of them came, and he did not dine with Bunny.  His
+father, who was in the Government and held the record for the number of
+speeches he had made in the House of Lords, came down once and wanted
+to come again, but he spoke for such a tremendously long time that
+Bunny declared that he should give up all hopes of being elected
+President if he ever came again.
+
+In the Lent term Jack rowed six in our Torpid, and also told me that he
+thought he should try and get his blue for throwing the hammer.  He had
+never thrown the hammer in his life, but he said that he knew what it
+was like and any one could throw it.  I suppose that was true, but
+Jack, when he tried, found that there were other men who could throw it
+a greater distance than he could, which did not trouble him in the
+least.  He remarked that the hammer was a silly thing after all, and
+that he should think of something else.
+
+But the Torpid occupied so much of his time and attention that he gave
+up seeking for a curious way in which to get his blue, and settled down
+to train in a most determined manner.  The sight of me eating muffins
+for tea seemed to be almost an insult to him, I really believe that he
+would have liked me to train with him, though I had nothing whatever to
+train for.  He did persuade me once to run round the Parks before
+breakfast, but I didn't repeat the experiment, for I felt quite fit
+without being restless in the early morning.  Of course I had the
+Torpid to breakfast, and their confidence in themselves was as great as
+their appetites.  You can't, I think, give breakfast to a Torpid and
+like them at the same time, and I have never acted as host to a Torpid
+or an Eight without being struck by the fact that of all men in the
+world I was the most supremely unimportant.  Occasionally Jack and
+another man remembered that I was not very interested in the amount of
+work the Corpus stroke did with his legs, and made as great an effort
+to drag me into the conversation as I made to keep in it.  But the
+effort was very apparent on both sides, and I gave up when I heard that
+seven in the Merton boat used his oar like a pump-handle, and that
+there was not a single man in the Pembroke crew who pulled his own
+weight.  This last statement compelled me to ask if Pembroke hoisted a
+sail on their boat and waited for a favourable wind, but my question
+was treated with scorn, and I came to the usual conclusion that the
+best place to see a Torpid collectively is in a boat.
+
+The confidence of our men depressed me, for I had most conscientiously
+played the part of host to previous Torpids and Eights, who had been
+equally confident until the racing began.  After that they had either
+complained of their luck or their cox, and I asked Jack when I got him
+by himself if he really thought our boat was going up.
+
+"I don't know," he replied, "we plug hard, and thinking you are bound
+to bump everybody is part of the game.  It's no use starting to race
+with your tail down."
+
+The papers considered that we were bound to rise, but for two years
+they had been saying that and all we had done was to lose more places.
+I wished that I could meet some one who was not sure about the success
+of our boat, and at last I discovered him in Lambert, who said our crew
+looked like a picnic party, which had gone too far out to sea, and had
+to plug for all they were worth to get back before night.  Then I
+defended them and felt more happy.  The fact was the Torpids were a
+sort of test case; if we went up I felt we should have fairly turned
+the corner, but if we went down I was afraid our fit of enthusiasm
+would cool rapidly.  No one who was rowing in them could have been more
+excited than I was.  The Bradder noticed it and complained, but for the
+moment I was incapable of caring much about things which had happened,
+and after all there is something to be said for anybody who is really
+keen on one thing, if he does not make himself a very terrific bore.
+
+On the first night of the races we got a dreadfully bad start, and for
+two or three minutes we were in danger of being bumped.  Then we
+settled down and began to draw close to Corpus, but our cox was too
+eager and made unsuccessful shots at them.  After the second shot I
+could not run another yard, so perhaps a little training might have
+done me good, but we did catch Corpus at the "Cher," and that began a
+triumphant week.  We made seven bumps, and though a lot of men said our
+crew showed more brute force than science, it must have been nonsense,
+because we went up from fourteenth to seventh, and when a boat gets
+fairly high in the First Division there is sure to be some one in it
+who can row properly.  The stroke of the 'Varsity eight told me that
+the best man in our Torpid was Jack and I believed him very easily.
+
+"He could be made useful in the middle of a boat with a bit of
+coaching," he said to me.
+
+"You'll be up next year, so look out for him," I answered, and I told
+him that I thought Jack was a splendid oar, which was no use because he
+only laughed.
+
+I had become so accustomed to a dismal return to college from both the
+Eights and Torpids that the change was quite delightful, and on the
+last day of the races we had a huge "bump" supper in hall.  From that
+supper some of our dons stood aloof and were even said to disapprove of
+it, but the Warden was present for the greater part of it, and the
+Bursar and The Bradder entered into the spirit of the thing with a zest
+which was splendid.  There were also two or three more dons, who had
+been undergrads of St. Cuthbert's, but who now belonged to other
+colleges, and they seemed to know that there are times when it is well
+to forget that you are a don.  We entertained two members of each of
+the crews which we had bumped, and I cannot say that any of them seemed
+to be dispirited by their bad fortune.  Indeed, as the evening went on
+they became exceedingly lively, and some of them were inclined to swear
+everlasting friendship with any one who liked demonstrations.
+
+After supper we had a lot of speeches, but it was impossible to hear
+many of them, for everybody wanted to speak and no one to listen.  I
+did hear the opening sentence of one speech, "Gentlemen, I used to be
+able to row once," but I heard no more, for the next words were drowned
+in loud cries of "Shame" and "No, no," and the don who wished to tell
+us his personal reminiscences just stood and smiled at us.  He had been
+in the St. Cuthbert's boat when it had been head of the river and did
+not mind anything.  Before we left the hall there were two men speaking
+at once at our table, it was a great chance to practise oratory.  I
+have never been at a more convivial supper, and since we had not been
+given an opportunity of celebrating anything for ages it is no wonder
+that we made a tremendous noise.  Some people may wag their heads at
+bump suppers and call them silly, or whatever they please, but they
+have forgotten the joy of living, and find their chief delight in
+criticizing the pleasures of those who are younger and happier than
+themselves.  I suppose they are useful in their way, but thank goodness
+their way is not mine.  You can't expect an undergraduate to celebrate
+seven bumps by standing on the top of a mountain and watching a
+sunrise, or by some equally peaceful enjoyment.  He wants noise, and he
+generally manages to get it.  I know that I was very pleased with that
+evening and felt as if it had been well-spent, but when I tried to
+describe it to Mrs. Faulkner, she shrugged her shoulders and said that
+it was most childish, for she couldn't understand that it was very nice
+to let yourself go a little when there was a good reason for doing it.
+I believe she was one of those people who are ashamed of ever having
+been children, and if she lived to be a hundred years old and kept all
+her faculties she would never understand what a peculiar mixture makes
+up life at Oxford.  I did not tell her about the bonfire which we had
+in the back quad after supper, because I am sure she would have thought
+that either I was lying or that most of the men in St. Cuthbert's were
+a set of lunatics.
+
+Two or three dons, who could appreciate festivities, danced round the
+bonfire quite happily, and evidently enjoyed themselves.  They were
+very popular; too much so possibly for their own comfort, for one of
+them who was, except on especial occasions, a most prim and proper
+person, was seized by a man, who looked upon him as his very dearest
+friend, and carried round the bonfire at galloping pace.  After that
+the dons disappeared and we had a dance in the hall.  I should think
+the band must have been as keen on exercise as we were, for the music
+got faster and faster as the evening went on, and it was impossible to
+keep time, but that did not matter.  In our battels at the end of the
+week we were all charged half-a-crown for refreshing the band, so that
+they could not have gone away hungry--or thirsty.
+
+An outburst of this kind is something more than a custom honoured by
+time, for it clears the air and you can settle down afterwards quite
+easily.  I had smuggled myself into the festivities which other
+colleges had given, but I had never enjoyed myself half as much as I
+did at our own.  We had done something at last which was worth a
+bonfire, and a bonfire with no one to dance round it has never yet been
+lighted in an Oxford quad.
+
+The Bradder thought that our supper had gone off very well, although he
+had seen one of his fellow-dons treated too affectionately, and had
+rescued him.  But he knew such things did not really mean anything, for
+you can't expect men who have just come out of strict training to
+behave quite like ordinary mortals.
+
+I wanted to fish during the Easter vac, but my vacs were beginning to
+get out of hand, for make what plans I would--and I made very pleasant
+ones--somebody was always at work to upset them.  I meant to take Fred
+home with me and play cricket in a net if the weather was warm, and
+fish a little stream near us, but the Bishop had found something else
+for me to do, and my schemes came to nothing.  At the end of the term I
+only went home for two days, and then had to start off on a tutorship.
+It is no use pretending that I went without vigorous protests.  I said
+that I had never tutored anybody in my life, and was met by the answer
+that everything had to have a beginning, which is such an appalling
+truism that it ought never to be uttered.  I then stated that I was
+sorry for the boy who had me as a tutor, though I meant, of course,
+that I was sorry for myself, and my mother replied that she should miss
+me very much, but that she had talked the whole thing over with my
+father, and they both thought the experience would be good for me.
+What could I say to that?  Besides, it was too late to back out.  The
+people, I was told, were charming, and I was to take charge of a boy
+aged twelve, who was home from school because he had been having
+measles.  The boy was also charming, everybody and everything seemed to
+be exactly right; but I thought I saw the Bishop peeping through all
+these descriptions, and charming is a word which has no great
+attractions for me, it is so comprehensive and can mean such a
+multitude of things.
+
+But as I had to go I went cheerfully, and I should not think that any
+one ever started on a tutorship knowing less than I did about the
+people to whom I was going.  My whole stock of knowledge consisted of
+their name, which was Leigh-Tompkinson, of the place where they lived,
+and of the fact that the boy had been ill.  I had, however, no doubt
+that I should be able to get on with them if they could only put up
+with me; they were, I was assured, friends of the Bishop, and I did not
+think that he would urge me to go to any people whom I should not like.
+
+When I arrived at the house I was shown into a drawing-room in which
+there were at least eight ladies and not a single man.  My reception
+was almost effusive.  Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson insisted that I was cold,
+tired, and dying of hunger, but I had only travelled forty miles, and
+the day was warm.  I wanted nothing except a sight of Mr.
+Leigh-Tompkinson, and I had an awful feeling that there was not such a
+man.  It struck me suddenly that no one had ever spoken of him to me,
+and my courage decreased.
+
+"You would like to see Dick," one lady said to me, and everybody asked
+where he was, and nobody knew or seemed to care very much.  The desire
+for him passed off as quickly as it had come, and in half-an-hour I was
+playing a four-handed game at billiards with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson as a
+partner, and two ladies as our opponents.  My partner played better
+than I did, and we won; we then played two other ladies, and in the
+middle of the second game Dick came into the room.  One glance at him
+told me that he was all right, and I should have been very glad to go
+away with him.  He remarked to me at once that I was "at it" already,
+which told me a good deal.  No one took any notice of him except to
+tell him not to fidget, and as he was not fidgeting I thought he was
+very amiable to receive such unnecessary orders in silence.  Before
+dinner I was able to have a few minutes alone with him, and my fears
+about Mr. Leigh-Tompkinson were realized--he was dead.  We also made
+some plans for the next day, which were never carried out.  In fact,
+try as I would for many days, and I adopted many artifices, I could
+hardly ever spend more than an odd half-hour with him, there was always
+something which his mother thought much more important for me to do.
+The house was full of people, most of whom were ladies, though none of
+them were what I called young; but there were two men there all the
+time, who were the mildest beings I have ever met.  I don't think
+either of them liked me, and I am sure I did not like them; their
+wildest amusement was a little, a very little golf, and their chief
+employment was to make themselves generally useful.  Everybody, with
+the exception of Dick and me, seemed to be trying to be young again, it
+was a most melancholy spectacle.  For some time I could not understand
+how Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson could be a friend of my uncle's, but at last
+a Miss Bentham, who was always ready to talk, told me that the
+house-party were having their holidays before they went back to London
+for the season.
+
+"In London my cousin has so much to do," she continued.  "Of course the
+season is always fatiguing, but Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson makes it more so
+by her devotion to good works."
+
+I nearly laughed aloud, and thought of saying that if she would be a
+little more devoted to her son she would not be wasting her time, but I
+suppressed myself and asked to hear more about the good works.
+
+"She gives so much away, but then she's so rich," Miss Bentham said.
+"She's devoted to your uncle, but then he's so handsome.  Don't you
+think so?"
+
+"He's fifty," I replied, without remembering to whom I was talking.
+
+"A woman is as old as she looks and a man as he feels," she said, and
+looked at me.
+
+I knew that I was expected to say that the Bishop must be about thirty,
+and that she could be scarcely twenty-five, but I really could not do
+it.  The whole place made me feel absolutely unwell.
+
+"My uncle works hard and often feels tired," I remarked after a moment.
+
+"You mustn't think we always enjoy ourselves like this.  Here we are
+quite children again, so very refreshing," but her interest in me had
+gone.  I had been given my opportunity and had not taken it.  I should
+have liked very much to see an interview between Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson
+in her "good works" mood and my uncle; it would have been a delightful
+entertainment.  But I am sure that he had never seen her when she was
+taking her holidays, or I should have been left to play cricket and
+fish with Fred.
+
+In spite, however, of the facts that I was always trying to fulfil the
+duties which were supposed to account for my presence, and that I liked
+Dick far better than any one else in the house, I was for some time
+most popular with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson.  I was new, I suppose, for
+what other reason there could have been for my popularity I cannot
+imagine; but at any rate the reason is not worth guessing, for in a
+brief ten minutes I managed to fall completely out of favour.
+
+The way in which this happened was rather absurd, but it showed clearly
+enough what an odd kind of woman Dick had for a mother.  As a rule I
+had to play billiards after dinner, but one evening there was somebody
+staying in the house who persuaded Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson to play round
+games, and when I went into the drawing-room I discovered that
+preparations had been made for this form of dissipation.  Dick had been
+allowed to come down to take part in them, and was walking round asking
+everybody to begin at once; but my experience of round games is that
+people are generally far more anxious to stop than to begin them.  Each
+person wanted to play a different game, for by this means I fervently
+believe that they imagined they would get out of playing any at all.  I
+sat down while I had the chance, feeling sure that in a few minutes I
+should be asked to go outside the door and stay there.  I thought that
+I knew every game of the kind, and when Dick had at last got a few
+people to look like beginning, I was asked if I knew "it."  I had no
+idea that "it" meant anything out of the ordinary, and I said
+unblushingly that I did, whereupon Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson asked me to
+take the chair on her right hand.  One of the mild men had already
+taken up his position on this seat, and to my sorrow he was told to
+move, though I had no idea that my position was in a peculiar way the
+place of honour.  A lady, who proclaimed many times that she had never
+done such a thing in her life, stood in the middle of the circle and
+asked questions, and from the confusing answers she received I
+discovered promptly that I did not know what game we were playing.  At
+last she came to me and said, "Is it beautiful?" so as we were only
+allowed to say "Yes" or "No," and the last answer had been "Yes," I
+said "No."  I shall never forget the gasp which followed.  Dick, I am
+ashamed to say, gave way to merriment, but the rest of the people
+looked at me as if I had committed a crime.  It was not hard for me to
+guess that I ought to have said "Yes"; the agitation had even spread to
+Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson.  The second question asked me was, "Is it old?"
+and this time I said "Yes," with some fervour; but my answer again
+caused consternation.  Some one indeed declared that it was too hot for
+games, and in a minute the circle was broken up.  Then Dick told me
+that "it" was always the left-hand neighbour of the person who was
+asked the question, and I saw that my answers, if true, had also been
+unfortunate.
+
+Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson went into the billiard-room at once, and I am
+afraid that even an immediate explanation and apology would not have
+been considered compensation enough for making her ridiculous.  During
+the next two days Dick and I were left very much to ourselves, and then
+I asked Miss Bentham, who was, I think, secretly pleased at my answers,
+to suggest that I should take him to the sea for the rest of his
+holidays.  This request was made in the morning, and we started during
+the afternoon of the same day, for I had sinned past forgiveness.  But
+unless I had played this game of "It" I should never have had time to
+make friends with Dick, and he wanted a friend rather badly.  He was
+lonely among a crowd of people, all of whom were ready to give him
+anything he asked for, except companionship.  I started by being sorry
+for him, and ended by liking him very much; he only wanted some one to
+take an interest in him, and that I was able to do quite easily.  After
+my tutorship was over Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson wrote to me and hoped that
+I should often be able to take him away with me, but she expressed no
+wish for me to stay with her again.
+
+At the beginning of my third summer term I was able to pay Fred the
+money he had lent me.  He protested, but I insisted, for he was Captain
+of the 'Varsity XI., and was also so popular that during the next few
+weeks he was bound to have plenty of opportunities for thinking of
+anything but economy.  Besides, this money had been at times a load on
+my conscience.  Economy, either practical or political, has never been
+a strong point of mine, but I often regretted that I had during my
+first two years bought a number of things which were more or less
+useless, because I was not compelled to pay for them at the moment.  My
+difficulties were not overwhelming but they were a nuisance, until the
+Bishop, who knew both Oxford and me by heart, solved them by giving me
+a birthday present.  Every one, however, has not got a convenient
+uncle, and without his present I should, owing to the recklessness of
+my first two years, have been compelled to leave Oxford with bills
+unpaid, and the prospect of a stormy interview with my father in front
+of me.  I was so genuinely fond of Oxford, and there are so many
+pleasant things to do there, that I should have been very sorry to
+leave it with anything hanging over me.
+
+Fast bowlers, both good and bad, were scarce during the whole time I
+was up, and I was not altogether surprised when Fred chose me to play
+in the Seniors' Match.  In that game I succeeded in getting a few
+wickets, and soon afterwards I got my Harlequin cap, which pleased me
+hugely.  I am sure that had I not been such an outrageously bad
+batsman, Fred would have liked to try me for the 'Varsity, but there
+happened to be another man who did not bowl any worse than I did and
+who batted much better.  So I was left to bowl for the college, and I
+was not altogether sorry, for if Fred had yielded to his feelings and
+given me a trial a lot of men would have said it was a swindle.  There
+are a number of people in Oxford who spend their time in looking out
+for swindles, and of all things in the world they seem to be the
+easiest to find.  In Fred's case, however, I should have had a much
+better chance of playing if I had not been one of his greatest friends,
+for he was the very last man to turn his eleven into a sort of family
+party.
+
+Our eight expected to make seven bumps, and succeeded in making five of
+them, with which Jack, who rowed six, pretended to be discontented.
+But we celebrated those five bumps all right, and altogether the
+college was a splendid place to live in.  I stayed in bed much later
+than usual on the morning after our second celebration, and I suppose
+every one else was sleepy, for I could hear Clarkson calling his boy a
+lazy young vagabond, and that always happened when through other
+people's laziness the unfortunate boy could not get on with his work.
+
+"Who is up?" Clarkson shouted.
+
+"Nobody," the boy answered.
+
+"Then fetch Mr. Thornton's breakfast," for Thornton had moved into
+rooms next to mine at the beginning of the term.
+
+"Mr. Thornton's in bed."
+
+Clarkson stamped heavily.  "What the deuce does he mean by being in
+bed?  Go and fetch his breakfast, and don't answer me when I give you
+orders."
+
+The boy hurried down the stairs, and I thought Thornton had acted very
+unwisely in changing his rooms, for if Clarkson got hold of a man of
+whom he could take charge he was quite certain not to miss his chance.
+I knew one or two men who lived in greater fear of him than of any don,
+and I determined to advise Thornton not to be bullied.  My efforts,
+however, were quite useless, for Thornton assured me that he liked our
+scout and got a great deal of amusement from him.
+
+"Clarkson knows exactly what is best for himself and me, and he is
+always clean," he said.
+
+"He treats his boy abominably," I replied.
+
+"I wonder what you would be like if you were a scout," he said, and as
+he obviously thought that I should only be remarkable for my failings,
+I gave up trying to talk to him.
+
+Thornton was a great puzzle to me, for his one desire was to be left to
+himself, and apart from speaking at debates and belonging to various
+literary societies he never seemed to me to do anything.  Murray always
+lost his temper with me when I said that Thornton was extraordinarily
+odd, and declared that he was one of the cleverest men in the college
+and would probably be governing some colony when we had sunk out of
+sight.
+
+In some moods Murray was not a cheerful companion, and I could not help
+telling him that to be bullied by your scout is not a good preparation
+for governing anything.  And as a matter of fact Thornton became
+gradually so very eccentric, that even Murray had to admit that if he
+was a genius he was one who had lost his way.
+
+After our eight had been successful Jack Ward was very anxious that
+they should go to Henley, but both the Bursar, who had done more to
+improve our rowing than anybody, and The Bradder wanted them to wait
+for another year.
+
+"We shall have nearly the same eight next summer, and two or three good
+freshers are coming up," The Bradder argued.
+
+"I shall be in the schools," Jack replied sadly, and though The Bradder
+turned away suddenly I saw him smiling, for Jack's essays were some of
+the most comical things ever written.
+
+Anything which resembled style he said was unwholesome, and although
+Mr. Grace talked to him like a parent and The Bradder tried persuasion
+and abuse, he stuck to his solid way of giving information.  But he
+confided in me that the reason was that he couldn't write a proper
+essay to save his life.
+
+"All I want," he exclaimed, "is a degree, and that's what these men
+don't understand.  Besides, I spell badly; it's a disease with me, and
+when you have got it, you may be able to think of a word, but you would
+be a precious fool to use it when another man has to read what you have
+written.  So my vocabulary gets limited, and I'm going to stick to
+facts, and I shouldn't wonder if the examiners don't like them.  They
+so seldom get them."
+
+I don't think he understood what a very great deal some of the history
+men manage to know, but, at any rate, his way of tackling the examiners
+was novel, and considering the disease from which he was suffering,
+perhaps it was also the best he could choose.  So he went on learning
+things by heart, and put up long lists of things on his looking-glass,
+or any place where he was likely to see them.  I saw the extraordinary
+word "Brom" pinned on to a photograph of Collier, and found out that it
+stood for Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde and Malplaquet.
+
+"I can't help thinking that Marlborough finished off with Blenheim,
+because it is the sort of battle any one who is not even reading
+history has heard of," he explained, "and I have to get that idea out
+of my head.  You will find all sorts of funny words stuck about the
+place.  I've got 'Kajakk' pinned on to a lobelia in my flower-box,
+because I am always leaving out Anne of Cleves; she never seemed to
+have a chance, and you must have the man's wives all right."
+
+"Do you think they matter much?" I asked.
+
+"Of course they do.  They are guide-posts to the reign, but they would
+do much better if half of them were not Katharines."
+
+I suggested that he should call one of them Kate and another Kathleen
+to avoid confusion, but he said that "Kajakk" would pull him through
+all right, and that if there was any question about Henry VIII. he did
+not mean to miss is.  I am certain that had he been given an
+opportunity, the examiners would have had a correct list of these
+ladies, with a brief note attached to explain why there were so many of
+them.
+
+Soon after the Eights were over, I heard that The Bradder had invited
+my people to come up at the end of the term, and as I had never stayed
+up for "Commem," I wrote back cheerfully, and said we would enjoy
+ourselves.  This letter, however, was answered by my father at once,
+and my plans were again thrown into confusion.  "I want you to leave
+for Germany when term is over.  To get even a smattering of the
+language you must be there nearly three months, and, unless you go
+immediately, you will miss all the shooting.  I want you to know three
+modern languages well enough to get into the Foreign Office without any
+difficulty."  This was the beginning of the longest letter I had ever
+had from him, and in many ways the nicest, but I cannot say that I
+wanted to spend my summer with a German family, and after consulting
+Fred, I went to The Bradder to see if he would not help me to stay in
+England.
+
+"I can't read history and learn German at the same time," I said to
+him, "and all my work will be wasted unless I do some this vac."
+
+"Your father has evidently made up his mind," he said, but I think that
+he must have been sorry for me.
+
+"You write and tell him that I shall forget all I have been doing.  He
+will listen to you."
+
+"German is very valuable to you."
+
+"So is history.  How can I be expected to work next year when I am
+packed off every summer to live with a lot of people who don't want me?
+I get no fun."
+
+"You will like it when you get there, and for this summer you can
+manage to do enough history to keep up what you know.  I will help you
+as much as I can."
+
+"Why can't I be allowed for once to like a thing in the place where I
+want to like it?" I asked, and I nearly told him that environment was
+everything, but he did not like those profound statements any better
+than I did.  I only saw The Bradder really nasty to one man, and he had
+been fool enough to say that the reason why he cut his lectures was
+because the whole atmosphere of Oxford was against work, which really
+was a sickening sort of excuse.
+
+My attempts to get help from The Bradder failed, and as soon as I had
+worked myself up into a rage he began to laugh.
+
+So after one night at home I started to Germany and my people went to
+Oxford for "Commem" on the same day, which was a most topsy-turvy state
+of things.  Nina promised to write to me, but I did not expect anything
+from her except postcards.  I was, however, mistaken, for she wrote me
+a kind of "Oxford day by day," which I, struggling with a strange
+language in a strange land, was very glad to have.  I don't know
+whether The Bradder taught her to refer to the Vice-Chancellor as the
+"Vice-Chuggins," but in her description of the Encaenia that most
+important gentleman was certainly not mentioned with the respect which
+I consider that people, who don't belong to Oxford, ought to feel for
+him.  In fact Nina succeeded in catching the Oxford language so badly
+that she told me that my father had been having "indijuggers," and I am
+sure that he would have had a worse attack if he had known what Nina
+called it.  I am sorry to say that she treated the Encaenia in a very
+light and airy way, though some most mightily distinguished men were
+receiving honorary degrees at the function.
+
+"I like the Sheldonian because it is so round," she wrote to me, "but I
+was not impressed by the Encaenia.  The area of the theatre was reserved
+for the dons, who wore what I believe you call academic dress, but they
+did not look as if they had room enough to be comfortable.  I sat in a
+gallery with a lot of people, and there was a man, who somebody told me
+was a Pro-proctor--at any rate he wore robes and looked, I thought,
+rather nice--to keep order.  You do mix up things queerly at Oxford;
+some of the jokes which were made were really not very funny, and
+mother was afraid that some one might be offended.  She was quite
+nervous.  I liked the Public Orator, who seemed to me to be introducing
+the people who were to receive honorary degrees to the Vice-Chuggins,
+and I was sorry for the University prizemen, who wore evening dress and
+had to read out their prize poems and things.  I couldn't hear a word
+the Public Orator said, but perhaps that was because I had a man near
+me who made jokes all the time and a bevy of relatives kept up a chorus
+of giggles.  Mr. Bradfield had to go to luncheon afterwards at All
+Souls.  I met Mr. Ward in the Turl yesterday; he was only up for two or
+three hours, and I thought he said he was going to coach.  I am sure he
+said something about coaching, and as I remembered how fond he was of
+horses I thought he was going for a driving tour.  But it turned out
+that he was going to read with somebody; very silly of me.  Do you
+remember when he jumped into the 'Cher'?  It seems ages ago.  Mr.
+Bradfield punts splendidly, we all like him very much, and father has
+dined with the Warden, who had toothache and hardly spoke all the
+evening.  Most unfortunate.  We are going to the 'Varsity match, and
+Mr. Bradfield says that Fred is the best bat and captain you have had
+for ages.  I believe mother nearly fainted with delight when she heard
+this.  Mr. Bradfield dances as well as you do."
+
+The next letter Nina wrote was full of The Bradder's perfections, but
+in the following one he was scarcely mentioned, and my mother, who had
+never seen Oxford in June, was so delighted with everything that she
+did not tell me much about anybody.  Still I could not help wondering
+what had happened, for Nina was not usually reticent without a reason.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+OUR LAST YEAR
+
+Fred did not have the satisfaction of seeing his eleven beat Cambridge,
+but there had not been such a close finish in a 'Varsity match for
+nearly twenty years, and Nina said the excitement was really painful.
+"I was quite glad when it was over," she wrote to me.  "Mother never
+spoke for quite half-an-hour, and Mr. Bradfield nearly ruined his hat
+by constantly taking it off and putting it on again.  I warned him that
+he was spoiling it, but he said that such a finish was worth a hat.
+And we lost in the end; a big Cambridge man hit a four and father said
+awful things at the top of his voice.  Somehow or other that seemed to
+relieve everybody.  There was only one other Cambridge man to come in,
+and if the big man had been bowled instead of hitting a four it would
+have been splendid.  We waited for Fred afterwards and saw him for a
+minute.  He said that the big man had been the best cricketer at
+Cambridge for four years, and now that he was going down Oxford ought
+really to win next year.  Fred was very disappointed, but he told us
+that this man was a thoroughly good sort, which annoyed me because I
+felt as if he must be perfectly horrid."
+
+If my people could be excited at a cricket match I knew that I had
+missed something worth seeing, but when I tried to talk about the
+'Varsity match to the only member of my German family who spoke
+English, she thought I was explaining lawn tennis to her.  I felt very
+sad indeed, and had to go for a long bicycle ride to shake off a
+vigorous attack of the blues.
+
+I suppose those months in Germany must have been useful to me, yet in
+spite of a great amount of kindness I was very glad when they were
+over.  I learned a great deal, I honestly believe, for I often went to
+a restaurant and talked politics with three professors, and that is no
+mean feat even if you do it in your own language.  For some reason
+which I have never been able to understand, these men were very pleased
+with me; possibly they liked me because I never agreed with anything
+they said.  I asked them to come and see us if they were ever in
+England, an invitation given out of joy in wishing them good-bye.  The
+prospect of leaving the German language made me very liberal in the way
+of invitations to those who spoke it, and if all the people whom I
+asked had happened to come at the same time, they would have caused a
+considerable sensation in our small household.  There were, however,
+dangers in plunging me into foreign families which my father did not
+discover; for I like everybody so much, when I am leaving them, that I
+feel certain that they are the nicest people in the world.  I had not
+been at home for a day before I found out that something very like a
+mystery had attached itself to The Bradder, so I went to my mother and
+asked her what had happened.
+
+"I meant to tell you," she answered.  "My dear, he wants to marry Nina,
+we were quite astonished."  I did not think Nina would have cared to
+hear that.  "He was here for a fortnight, but we never suspected
+anything, Nina is so very young.  It only happened a week ago."
+
+"Are they engaged?"
+
+"No, we thought it best that there should be no engagement for at least
+a year.  I hope we decided right, for I must have time to think about
+Nina being the wife of a don.  I think they are very much in love with
+one another."
+
+"Nina is not so very young."
+
+"Very young to be the wife of a don," my mother replied, and I believe
+that she thought such a lady, to be suitable, ought to have numbered at
+least forty years.
+
+"The Bradder would have to go out of college if he married," I said;
+"we shan't get such another man in a hurry," but my mother did not
+think this as important as I did.
+
+When I talked to Nina about this new state of things she was very
+disappointed to find that I was not surprised.  She seemed to think
+that I was depriving her of something due to her, but her letters had
+made me think that something startling was going to happen, and I was
+prepared for almost anything.
+
+"Our engagement is not to be announced for a year," Nina said.
+
+"I thought there wasn't any engagement," I answered.
+
+"There isn't, until it is announced, but we have quite made up our
+minds," and then she took my arm and I listened to a glorification of
+The Bradder.  "He is very fond of you," it finished up, and that is all
+I can remember of it.
+
+"I am glad of that, as he is my tutor and is going to be my
+brother-in-law," I said.
+
+"You don't seem to see how happy I am," Nina answered.  "I wanted to
+telegraph to you at once."
+
+"I am most tremendously glad you are happy.  The Bradder's a splendid
+man," I said, and added, "I should like to tell Fred directly he comes
+next week."
+
+"Yes, tell him," she replied, "but he won't mind; perhaps I oughtn't to
+say that, but I know that you think he will.  Fred's a dear, he's just
+like another brother."
+
+"For pity's sake don't say that to him," I exclaimed.
+
+"Of course I shan't say anything to him, but he will understand all
+right," and I gathered that if he could not understand it was my duty
+to make him, which, considering how peculiarly he had behaved to Jack,
+I did not expect to be an easy matter.  But there was a difference
+between Fred and Nina, for he seemed to fall out of love as he grew
+older, while she fell in.  I don't know enough about such things to say
+whether he was ever actually in the state called "in love," but I do
+know that he was inclined to regard Nina with a jealous eye, and that I
+suffered many unpleasant moments in consequence.  So I drove down to
+the station to meet him and intended to break the news to him gently,
+but we had such a lot of other things to talk about that I had not
+mentioned Nina, except to say that she was well, when we met her in the
+drive.  Fred got out of the dog-cart to speak to her, and I, having
+totally neglected my mission, was wise enough to disappear for an hour.
+
+In that time he must have found out what had happened, for when we were
+left alone in the smoking-room after dinner and I was wondering whether
+I had better begin the gentle process, which I was sure I should muddle
+hopelessly, he said, "It will take me some time to get used to the idea
+of Nina marrying a don."
+
+"I meant to tell you as we drove down, but I forgot clean all about
+it," I answered.
+
+"Bradfield's a good sort, isn't he?  It would be a most vile shame if
+he isn't."
+
+"He's a splendid chap."
+
+"I saw him with Nina at Lord's, and I got a kind of idea into my head
+then.  He looks all right anyhow."
+
+"He is all right."
+
+Fred sat and smoked for ages without saying a word, which made me
+uneasy.
+
+"Don't you feel horribly old?" he said to me at last.  "This is a kind
+of end to all the good time we have had here.  I mean that everything
+will be different; I can't imagine Nina being married."
+
+"She won't be for ages, and when she is it will be just the same," I
+answered.  "The Bradder's the best sort in the world, except you.
+Let's go to bed, we have to shoot to-morrow."
+
+I stayed in Fred's room, however, for a long time, and I expect some of
+the things we said would have amused those who can jump without regret
+from one state of things to another.  But all the same this talk did us
+good, for we finished off the subject of Nina's engagement at one
+sitting, and Fred pleased me by saying that he must have been a fool to
+hate Jack Ward so violently.  That told me all I wanted to know, and
+though he was not in very good spirits for a day or two he soon
+recovered, and I believe that Nina and he enjoyed themselves more than
+they ever had since they began to wonder whether they were grown up or
+not.
+
+Before going back to Oxford Fred and I went to stay with Mr. Sandyman,
+our old house-master at Cliborough.  I had been to Cliborough several
+times since I left school, but my first visits made me feel almost sad.
+The glory of being a blue, and I could not help feeling it, was not
+enough compensation for the way in which I seemed to have entirely
+dropped out of things.  I loved Cliborough, and when you are fond of
+places or people it is horrid to see that they can get on quite well
+without you.  You may not be forgotten, but you must necessarily cease
+to count for much, and it was not until I went back after having left
+for three years that I was quite happy there.  Our feelings--for Fred
+felt as I did--may have been wrong, but no one would have them who was
+not fond of their school and who did not in some way or other wish to
+be worthy of it.  Sandy was as nice to us as possible, and it was quite
+funny to see what a hero Fred was thought to be by some of the fellows
+in our house.  I think I was regarded as a hero more or less decayed,
+but Fred nearly reinstated me by saying that I was the fastest bowler
+he had ever played against, and by forgetting to add further details.
+
+We went back to Oxford from Cliborough, and during my last year I saw
+more of Fred than ever, for in nearly every college men in their fourth
+year have to go into lodgings, and Jack and I took rooms in the same
+house in the High as Fred and Henderson.  Fred was President of
+Vincent's, Henderson was to be captain of the 'Varsity XI., and Jack
+was immediately put into one of the trial Eights and finally, rowed six
+in the winning boat.  The shadow of approaching examinations was over
+all of us except Henderson, who was not reading for Honours, and had
+nothing but two papers on political economy between him and a degree.
+But I should not think any four men ever got on together better than we
+did, and the mere sight of Jack was enough to make any one feel
+cheerful.  He had fairly and squarely found himself at last, and
+whether he was sitting in front of piles of books or getting up and
+going to bed at strange times because he was in training, he was an
+endless delight to all of us.  His methods of reading history made Fred
+laugh so much that I thought he might possibly abandon them, but
+nothing would persuade him that his road to a degree was not the safest
+he could take.  On one subject Jack only opened his heart to me.  He
+had set his mind on getting into the 'Varsity Eight, and his keenness
+was terrific.  I assured him time after time that he must have a
+splendid chance of his blue, but I don't believe that the mere fact of
+getting his blue meant very much to him.  He wanted to show his people
+and his college that he could really do something.
+
+"If I could only get into the 'Varsity boat I should have done
+something," he said to me, "because I'm not a natural oar.  I have to
+learn it all, and it's frightfully hard work remembering all you're
+told.  Some of you men think a fellow who rows is just a machine, but
+it's not so easy to become a good machine."
+
+To Fred and Henderson he hardly ever mentioned the river, but they knew
+how desperately keen he was, and when he was tried in the 'Varsity boat
+at four, during the beginning of the Lent Term, we all hoped most
+vigorously that he would keep his place.  For nearly a fortnight the
+same crew rowed every day, but neither the President nor the Secretary
+had yet taken their places, and I was in a state of terror that Jack
+would have to go when they went into the boat.  The Secretary, however,
+took his place and Jack remained where he was, and a few days
+afterwards the President went in at seven, seven went to three, and one
+unfortunate man disappeared.  Then we openly rejoiced, and at the
+beginning of Lent Jack was told to go into training.  We had a mild
+celebration on the evening of Shrove Tuesday, and Bunny Langham, who
+had been President of the Union and had developed a habit of making
+very long speeches, for which he apologized by saying that he believed
+in heredity, came round and helped to make a noise.  Whenever he got
+the ghost of an opportunity he began to congratulate Jack, and he
+required a very great deal of suppressing.
+
+For a whole week Jack rowed in the boat, and then he had a sudden
+attack of influenza.  Somehow or other I had never thought it possible
+that he could be ill, and I have never seen any one hurry up so much to
+get well again.  In ten days he was nearly all right, but when he was
+put back into the boat he said he felt miserably weak, and I think he
+went to work to prepare himself for a disappointment.  At any rate when
+it came Jack took his luck like a hero, for hardly anything more
+crushing could have happened to him just then.  I must say that the
+President was as kind about it as any man could be; he knew what it
+meant to Jack, and his sympathy was very real.  But Jack himself
+surprised all of us, he seemed to throw the whole thing behind him, and
+I never heard him complain of anything except his wretched illness.
+
+"I shall be fit next term," he said, "and if we get our boat near the
+head of the river again it won't be so bad after all."
+
+My last year in rooms with Fred, Jack and Henderson was the best of
+four good years at Oxford.  Everything, except Jack's luck, was so
+exactly right, and I was most delightfully happy.  The college was
+doing as well as we could want, and most of the dons, led I am certain
+by The Bradder, behaved splendidly.  The Freshers' Wine became an
+organized institution and ceased to be a sort of "hole and corner"
+entertainment, at which every one made a most horrible noise because
+they ought not to have made any at all.  In my spare time, and I had
+not much, I caught myself regretting that I had ever been stupid enough
+to carry on long battles with Mr. Edwardes, it seemed to me that I
+might have been more peaceful, but the fact remains that he and I were
+not made for each other.
+
+Until the time began to grow near for me to go down from Oxford I never
+felt as strong an affection for the 'Varsity as I had for Cliborough.
+I think the reason was that Oxford is such a huge place, that it took
+me some time to realize how splendid it is.  I missed the feeling of
+unity which there was at Cliborough, and I supplied my loss by going
+furiously to work in trying to make the college less slack.  Certainly
+St. Cuthbert's, owing more to Jack's efforts than mine, had changed
+very much, but in setting our minds absolutely on one thing for two
+years we had missed a lot, even if we had been successful in what we
+wanted to do.  Our last year, however, made up for everything, and when
+we came back for the summer term examinations had lost their horrors,
+and the only thing I regretted was that in eight short weeks my time at
+Oxford would be over.
+
+The Bradder, who watched over me like a prospective brother-in-law,
+encouraged me to think that I should not do very badly in the
+"schools," but I think he was rather agitated when Henderson chose me
+to play for the 'Varsity against the Gentlemen of England, and in a
+very bad light I got more wickets than I ever expected to get in a
+first-class match.  That performance gave me a good start in the
+'Varsity XI., and The Bradder was desperately afraid that I should stop
+reading altogether.  But Fred and Jack were both hard at work, and
+except on one evening a week Henderson had to go into a separate room
+when he wanted to entertain his numerous friends.  Jack rowed in our
+Eight, and they went up to fourth.  They would have been second if they
+had been lucky, but as it was they intended to go to Henley.
+
+I think that I was fortunate in having to struggle for my blue during
+my last term, for this gave me so much to think about that I escaped
+some of the feelings which Fred had about leaving Oxford.  I felt that
+I was by no means ready to go, but I was also desperately eager to get
+into the XI., and that I knew would not be decided until the term was
+over.  One leaves Oxford slowly, if I may express it so; you have to
+come back for a _viva voce_, and then for your degree; there is no
+abrupt break as there is at school, and the fact that I was playing for
+the 'Varsity after the term was over, helped me more than it did Fred,
+who had played in the XI. for three years.  Nearly every Sunday
+afternoon during May and June, Fred and I quite solemnly went out for a
+walk together, and we nearly always found ourselves by the river.  I
+believe this was because we were never tired of looking at Corpus and
+Merton from the Christchurch meadows.  There is no view so keenly
+rooted in my memory as this, nor one which I am so glad to look upon
+again.  I don't care in the least whether it is the most beautiful in
+Oxford or not, for it means something to me, and you can ask no more
+from a view than that.  I can never look at it without remembering many
+things which were all of them very pleasant, and Oxford is the place to
+build up memories.
+
+The term slipped by far too fast, and we found ourselves plunged into
+the schools.  For once in my life I should have been glad not to see
+the sun, but the week during which we had to put on paper the results
+of over two years' work was most cruelly hot, and all of us were glad
+when it was over.  It is no use guessing how you have done in honour
+schools, for those who think they have got a first are too often
+surprised when the lists come out, and unless you are going to guess
+something nice, it is much better to leave it alone altogether.  With
+one consent Fred, Jack and I refused to talk about our chances, and set
+out to enjoy the few days which remained to us without being harrowed
+by doubts and fears.  I did, however, have secret dips into a political
+economy book, for I thought if the examiners shared my opinion they
+would wonder how little of this subject I knew.  I couldn't keep away
+from the wretched thing, try as I would, and was always reading "Adam
+Smith" and "Walker" at odd moments.  I think my nerves must have been
+upset.
+
+Directly after the schools were over, Jack and I had to go to a dinner
+which Murray got up.  I was ready to go to anything, but I had no idea
+that this was a sort of entertainment organized in honour of us until I
+got to it.  The Bradder took the chair, and I am sure that I tried to
+feel grateful to Murray, but if you don't care much about being set on
+a small pedestal it is very hard to pretend that you do.  I did,
+however, enjoy that dinner because every one was so very cheerful, and
+I made a speech which lasted--counting the applause--nearly ten
+minutes.  The Bradder spoke more about Jack than me, which was very
+thoughtful of him, and Jack told me afterwards that this evening almost
+made up for having missed his blue.  The things which were said about
+him took him most completely by surprise, and the fact that he was
+really appreciated and that the college owed something to him, sent him
+off to Henley a happier man than he had ever been in his life.
+
+My place in the eleven was in doubt until the last game before the
+'Varsity match, and then I bowled one of the best batsmen in England--I
+must add off his pads--and got three men caught in the slips.
+Henderson gave me my blue in the pavilion at Lord's and simply banged
+me on the back as he did it, a very unorthodox and pleasant ending to
+what had been a great anxiety.  Fred, too, was most uproariously
+delighted, and I should think that some of the people, who seem to
+think that the pavilion at Lord's is a kind of cathedral, must have
+decided that the Oxford XI. had suddenly gone mad.  But I disentangled
+myself after a time from men who wanted to congratulate me, and started
+sending telegrams.  I was guilty at that moment of trying to think of
+people to whom I could telegraph with decency, but I had wanted to play
+against Cambridge very much.  We had been beaten in all the last three
+matches, and as Fred had never really played well at Lord's, I think
+some men were inclined to say that he was not anything like as good a
+cricketer as he was supposed to be.  But in this match he settled that
+question once and for ever.  We went in first and started terribly,
+Henderson was caught at the wicket, and another man was bowled before
+we had made a run.  I could not have smiled at the best joke in the
+world.  Then Fred and a left-hander got well set, and before we had
+finished our total was over 350.  Fred never gave a chance until he had
+made well over a hundred, and though some men told me that he was out
+l.b.w. at least four times, there are always plenty of people who think
+that they know more than the umpires.
+
+The Cambridge men failed in the first innings, and I only bowled six
+overs, which annoyed my mother and Nina, because they said that I was
+there to bowl.  But after Cambridge went in again they played an uphill
+game most splendidly, and my people had plenty of opportunity to see me
+bowl.  I got four men out, and Henderson was very pleased with me, but
+I was not a first-class bowler, though I tried hard to look like one.
+We had nearly two hundred runs to win, and I confess that I was afraid
+that I might have to go in when there were two or three runs still
+wanted.  In the first innings my efforts as a batsman had been brief
+and glorious, I had received three balls, two of which I had hit to the
+boundary and the third I meant to go to the same place, only somebody
+caught it.  I hoped sincerely that my part in the 'Varsity match was
+over, but whenever a wicket fell I had a very bad moment.  I did not,
+however, have to make that long journey from the pavilion to the
+wickets again, for Henderson, who kept himself back in the second
+innings, played beautifully, and we won with some wickets in hand.  I
+don't want to forget the wholesome thrill which I had when Henderson
+made the winning stroke, and I am quite certain that I never shall
+forget it.
+
+My father and mother, too, were pleased, and I was very glad to see
+their delight, for I thought that I might have added more to their
+anxiety than to their pleasure during the last four years.
+
+In July both Fred and Jack came to stay with me, because in a few weeks
+I had to start on one of my journeys in search of a language which I
+did not know.  I wanted Jack to be with us when the History List came
+out, in case anything disastrous should happen.  But Jack had filled
+himself so full of facts that when the telegram from the Clerk of the
+Schools came he was delighted to find that he had got a third, and he
+declared that I must be a genius to have got a second, but that was
+only his way of expressing his surprise.  The Greats' List was a
+triumph for St. Cuthbert's, Murray and five other men getting firsts.
+Fred got a second, and considering that he had been playing footer and
+cricket for the 'Varsity so much, everybody thought that he had done
+most thoroughly well.  Cliborough was so satisfied with him that he was
+offered a mastership at once, which was a stroke of luck both for Fred
+and the school.
+
+Nothing remained for us to do except to take our degrees, and we
+arranged with Henderson that we should go back together once more and
+take them at the same time.  I think that we clung to that expedition
+as our last remaining link with the 'Varsity.  But there is a link,
+which those who learn to love Oxford, as Fred, Jack and I loved her,
+cannot break; it is the debt which we owe to her, for we shall never be
+able to repay it in full.
+
+
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+  RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED,
+  BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND
+  BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+By the same author
+
+GODFREY MARTEN: SCHOOLBOY
+
+WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY GORDON BROWNE
+
+_In one vol., cloth, gilt edges, price 5s._
+
+
+Some Press Opinions
+
+The Spectator:--"The book is extremely good reading from end to end; it
+abounds in entertaining and exciting episodes, is wholly void of
+sentimentality, and enforces in the most unmistakable and wholesome way
+the duty of straight and manly conduct."
+
+The Standard:--"Boys will be delighted with this faithful record of
+public school life.  It shows up without the smallest priggishness, or
+the least hint of lecturing or sermonising, that side of the English
+public school of which we are so proud--the fine, broad standard of a
+gentleman that the well-bred boy sets up for himself."
+
+The Daily Telegraph:--"_Godfrey Marten, Schoolboy_, may rank with the
+very small number of books which treat successfully of boy-life....  It
+is a bright, stirring story, and should find a hearty welcome."
+
+Morning Post:--"_Godfrey Marten_ will rejoice the heart of many a lad.
+Mr. Turley knows boys and writes lovingly of them.  His story is
+vivacious, the heroes are real live ones, the style is racy and true to
+reality in its descriptions of masters, boys and sports, and even in
+its use of school slang, the book throughout is clean, wholesome and
+manly."
+
+The Times:--"Returning to Mr. Turley's book after a year's interval we
+are more than ever taken by its quiet, unassuming merits and a certain
+insidious charm.  Thinking over other school books we can recall
+nothing nearer to boy nature than this, nor any that has greater
+interest as a story."
+
+The Guardian:--"The book is a wholesome one; the boys are gentlemen,
+the games are described with spirit, and some of the difficulties of
+public school life are treated in a healthy and helpful way.  Moreover
+it is written for boys rather than about them, and the author succeeds
+in looking at things from a boy's point of view."
+
+
+
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford Street, W.C.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley
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