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diff --git a/28567.txt b/28567.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc79641 --- /dev/null +++ b/28567.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12384 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate + +Author: Charles Turley + +Release Date: April 20, 2009 [EBook #28567] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GODFREY MARTEN, UNDERGRADUATE *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +GODFREY MARTEN + +UNDERGRADUATE + + +BY + +CHARLES TURLEY + + + +AUTHOR OF 'GODFREY MARTEN, SCHOOLBOY' + + + +LONDON + +WILLIAM HEINEMANN + +1904 + + + + +_All rights reserved_ + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAP. + + I. OXFORD + II. INTERVIEWS + III. THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH + IV. UNEXPECTED PEOPLE + V. THE WINE + VI. JACK WARD AND DENNISON + VII. THE INN AT SAMPFORD + VIII. LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN + IX. A SURPRISE + X. MY MAIDEN SPEECH + XI. A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON + XII. THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY + XIII. NINA COMES TO OXFORD + XIV. GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE + XV. MISHAPS + XVI. THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON + XVII. THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON + XVIII. THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD + XIX. THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER + XX. THE HEDONISTS + XXI. ONE WORD TOO MANY + XXII. A TUTORSHIP + XXIII. OUR LAST YEAR + + + + +CHAPTER I + +OXFORD + +The night before I left home for Oxford I had a talk with my father. +He was not of the sentimental kind, but I knew that he had a rare +fondness for my brother, my sister Nina and myself, and I have never +had a moment when I did not return his affection. He had always been +bothered by my lack of seriousness, and he doubted whether I should +really get the best out of 'Varsity life. After telling me that the +time had come for me to treat things more seriously, he finished up by +saying: "I am going to give you two hundred pounds a year, which is +more than I can afford, and which, with your exhibition, must be enough +for you. I have put that amount to your credit in the bank at Oxford, +and I don't expect to hear anything about money from you either during +the term or when you are at home. You ought to know by this time what +money is worth, and that debt is a thing you must avoid. Be a man, +Godfrey, and don't forget that the first step towards becoming one is +to behave like a gentleman." + +I shook his hand to show that I understood, for he wanted neither +promises nor protestations, and if I had been able to be sentimental he +would have left the room without listening to me. + +He didn't say much, but what he did say was beautifully simple, and on +leaving him I felt very solemn and, since I must tell the truth, very +important. The idea of having a bank account was one which did not +lose its glamour for several days. There was something about my first +cheque-book which pleased me immensely, for I had not been brought up +in a nest of millionaires, and am glad to confess that until I went to +Oxford the possibilities attached to a five-pound note were almost +without limit. + +Fred Foster--who had been staying with me--and I parted at Oxford +railway-station without falling on each other's necks, but although we +did not cause any further obstruction on a platform already far too +crowded, we understood that the friendship which had prospered during +so many years at school was not going to be interrupted because he had +got a scholarship at Oriel while I was an exhibitioner of St. +Cuthbert's. + +I began by losing my luggage, which was exactly the way some people +would have expected me to begin, and when I arrived at the college +lodge I must have looked as if I had come to spend a Saturday to Monday +visit. One miserable bag was all I possessed, and the porter viewed +me, as I thought, with suspicion. He was a grumpy old person, and when +I told him that I had lost my luggage he grunted, "Gentlemen do, +especially when they're fresh," which I thought very fair cheek on his +part, though I did not feel at that moment like telling him so. + +Then having said that my name was Marten, he hunted in a list and told +a man to take my bag to Number VII. staircase in the back quadrangle. +I followed, feeling rather dejected, and I cannot say that the first +sight of my rooms tended to raise my spirits. They were small and +dismal, the window opened on to a balustrade which, if it prevented me +from falling into the quadrangle, also managed to shut out both light +and air. The furniture can be described correctly by the word +adequate; there were some chairs and a table, college furniture for +which I was privileged to pay rent. The chairs looked as if nothing +could ever wear them out or make them look different. They had been +built to defy time and ill-usage. + +I went into my bedroom and was more satisfied, by some strange freak it +was bigger than my sitting-room, and after I had seen other freshers' +bedrooms I acknowledged my good luck. There was at least room to have +a bath without splashing the bed. I was still looking disconsolately +about me when my scout came in and treated me with a calm contempt +which immediately raised my spirits. His air was so obviously that of +the man who knew all about things, and he told me what to do with a +gravity which was intended to be most impressive. His name was +Clarkson and I stayed on his staircase during the three years I was in +college, though at the end of my first year I moved into larger rooms. +He was in a mild kind of way an endless source of amusement to me, +because every one knew that under his veil of imperturbability was +hidden, not very successfully, a flourishing crop of failings. +Whenever his chief failing overpowered him his gravity increased, until +he became one of the most indescribably comic people I have ever seen. + +He told me that chapel was at eight o'clock on the following morning, +and asked me if I should be breakfasting in. I found out afterwards +that unless I wanted to go to chapel I could go to a roll-call in any +garments which looked respectable, and then go back to bed; but I did +not hear this from Clarkson. He was far too keen on getting men out of +bed and their rooms put straight to give such very unnecessary +information. However, he was useful at the beginning, and had he not +told me where to go for dinner I don't suppose I should have troubled +to ask him. + +My first dinner in hall was not a pleasant experience. The senior men +came up a day after us, and most freshers, until they settle down, seem +to spend their time in waiting for somebody else to say something. +That dinner really made me feel most gloomy; things seemed to have been +turned upside down, and in the process I felt as if I had fallen with a +thud to the bottom. There were two or three freshers from Cliborough +to whom I had scarcely spoken during my last two years at school, and +these fellows all sat together and enjoyed themselves, while I counted +for nothing whatever. + +I began to learn the lesson that being in the Cliborough XI. and XV. +was not a free passport to glory. The man opposite to me looked as if +he had never heard of W. G. Grace, and when I tried to speak to the +fellow on my right about the Australians, he thought that I was talking +about any ordinary Australian, and had no notion that I meant the +cricket team which had been over in the summer. He was quite nice +about it, I must admit, and when he found out what I was driving at, +said: "I am afraid I don't know much about cricket; I have been over in +Germany the last two or three months, trying to get hold of the +language. I want to read Schiller and those other people in the +original." + +He did not suit me at all, and as I had not the courage to give myself +away by asking the names of the other people our conversation dropped. +I was, in fact, dead off colour, and the sight of those three +Cliborough fellows almost took away my appetite. Until that moment it +had never occurred to me that I had been in the habit of thinking a lot +of myself at Cliborough, and in self-defence I must add that I do not +see how a public school can prosper unless some of the fellows stick +together and try to make things go on properly. Any "side" I may have +had was certainly unconscious, but I haven't an idea whether that is +the worst or the best kind. I know that I should have felt like having +a fit if any one had told me that I was conceited, and apart from that +I don't know anything about it, except, as I have said, that I was +angry that these fellows did not seem to remember that I had been at +Cliborough. I told myself that they had lost their sense of +proportion, which was a phrase my father used about any one who argued +with him; and I also said vehemently that they were worms; but unless +you are quite sure of it, and can get some one to agree with you, there +is not much satisfaction to be got from calling people worms. + +I went out of the hall and found a tall, dark fellow bowling pebbles +aimlessly about the quadrangle. I bowled a pebble, and hitting him on +the back, had to apologize. It is rather odd, now I come to think +about it, that the first words I ever said to Jack Ward were in the +nature of an apology. We strolled out of the quadrangle into the +lodge, and after he had looked at me he asked me to come up to his +rooms and have some coffee. I was not at all sure that I wanted to go, +but I went. He shouted to his scout at the top of a very powerful +voice, and I felt that he was much more at home than I was. I +determined, moreover, to shout at my scout upon the earliest possible +opportunity. + +"I had a brother up here," he said as soon as we were sitting by the +fire, "and he gave me some tips. One of them was to shout at your +scout for at least a week to show that you are not an infant, another +was not to row, and the last was not to play cards all day and night. +My brother's an odd kind of chap, the sort of man who doesn't know the +ace of spades by sight, but it's as easy to shout as it is not to row. +Your name's Marten, isn't it?" + +"Yes," I replied; "how did you know that?" + +"I scored when you came over last term to play for Cliborough against +Wellingham. I was twelfth man to the XI., though you needn't believe +it if you don't want to. It's wonderful what a crop of twelfth men +there are kicking around; you may just as well say you are a liar smack +out, as tell any one you are a twelfth man." + +I told him that I believed him. + +"That's only your politeness," he went on; "in a week you will be +talking about me as 'that man Ward who says he was twelfth man at +Wellingham.'" + +I sat in his rooms and listened to him talking until eleven o'clock; +for almost the first time in my life I had nothing to say, and that +must have been the reason why I felt amused and uncomfortable at the +same time. He seemed to know all sorts of people, and he spoke of them +by their Christian names, which impressed me, and he referred to London +as a place well enough to stay in for a time, but a terrible bore when +one got accustomed to it. Now I had only been to London three times, +and one of those could hardly be said to count since it was to see a +dentist. As I went back to my rooms, I thought that my education had +been neglected in many ways, and that Ward had been having a much +better time than I had. But I soon changed my mind and decided that he +was the kind of fellow whom I should have thought a slacker at +Cliborough, and I cannot put up with a man, who when he is doing one +thing always wants to be doing another. + +When I got back to my rooms I found a letter from my uncle. He was a +bishop, and there had been trouble between us when I was a small boy at +Cliborough; he had made jokes about me which I did not bear in silence. +But he had spent a month of the summer holidays with us, and had told +my mother that I had greatly improved; I thought the same thing about +him, so we got on together very well. I may as well say at once that I +had laid siege to the bishop. Instead of waiting for him to go for me +I went for him, and my mother said that I had discovered the boy in the +bishop. If he was idle I employed him, and on his last day with us I +finished off by making one hundred and thirty-six against him at stump +cricket. When he went away I had changed my opinion of him, but my +father was annoyed that he could behave like a boy when it was time for +me to forget that I was one. "You are as silly as the bishop," became +one of my father's favourite remarks, until my mother asked him to +think of something which was not quite so rude. + +The bishop had really been splendid while he was staying with us, +because Nina, having arrived at the age of eighteen, was very difficult +to please. Some man in my brother's regiment had been down and said +that her pug was an angel, and I being unable to reach such heights as +that was compared to my disadvantage with this man. I am nearly sure, +too, that she wanted to flirt with Fred, quite regardless of the fact +that he was no use at flirting, and I should have had something to say +if he had been. In a short year she had changed most dreadfully, and +was no longer satisfied with being liked very much. She was a puzzle +to me, and had it not been for the bishop, who smoothed things over, I +should probably have worried her far more than I did. + +His letter did not contain one word of cant; he just wished me good +luck, and told me to write to him whenever I felt that he could be of +use to me. A less sensible man might have preached to me and talked +about the "threshold of a career"; but, thank goodness, he knew what I +wanted, and that if I had not made up my mind to let Oxford do +something for me, I was hopeless from the start. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +INTERVIEWS + +I soon found out that Jack Ward was of a most friendly disposition, for +he came over to my rooms before ten o'clock the following morning and +bounced in with an air of having known me all my life. At the moment I +was talking to a man called Murray, whose acquaintance I had made an +hour before. My introduction to Murray could hardly be called formal; +he lived in the next rooms to me and at precisely the same time each of +us had poked our heads into the passage and shouted for our scout. We +then looked at each other and laughed, and the deed was done. I wish +that I could have made all my friends at Oxford as easily; it would +have saved so much time. + +Murray was going as Ward came in, and they nodded and said +"Good-morning" in the way men do when they don't altogether love one +another. + +"You seem to know everybody," I said, without much reason, as soon as +Murray had disappeared. + +"I can't well help knowing that fellow, considering that he was at +Wellingham with me for five years." + +"He didn't tell me he was at Wellingham." + +"He would have in another minute, and that he was captain of the school +and the footer fifteen, and what he was fed on as a baby and how many +muscles he had got in his big toe," Ward jerked out as he pulled +furiously at his pipe, which he had already tried to light two or three +times. + +"I thought he seemed a nice sort of man," I said. + +"I expect you think everybody you see nice sort of men," he replied +rather queerly, though he laughed as he spoke. + +"I hope so; it is a jolly comfortable state to be in," I answered. + +"But a very dangerous one. You must get awfully left." + +I picked up _Wisden's Cricket Almanack_, which had been one of the +things in my bag, and began to read it, for I had taken a fancy to +Murray and did not see much use in listening to what I felt Ward wanted +to say about him. + +"You will probably be friends with Murray for about a month, and then +it will end with a snap," he said. + +"I can promise you that if I am friends with him for a month it won't +end with a snap, even if his toes simply bulge with muscles," I replied. + +"If anybody warned you against a man you would take no notice." + +"It depends who warned me, and whom I was warned against. And since it +is no use pretending things," I added, "I don't see much wrong in a +fellow because he happens to remember something about baby's food." + +"He might be a bore." + +"So may anybody," I answered, for Ward's persistence was beginning to +annoy me. He got up from his chair with a great laugh, and put his +hands on my shoulders. + +"We mustn't begin by having a row with each other," he said. + +I stood up so that I could get rid of his hands, and felt inclined to +say that I did not want to begin at all, but I stopped myself. There +was something in the man that attracted me. I may be peculiar, but I +like people who shake the furniture when they laugh, having suffered +much from a master at Cliborough who never let himself go farther than +a giggle. + +"I suppose we must go and see these blessed dons. They want to see us +at half-past ten, don't they?" he said. + +I looked at my watch and found that it was nearly eleven o'clock, so we +bolted down-stairs and across the quadrangle as hard as we could. It +was a very bad start but I had completely forgotten that we had to go +to the hall at half-past ten, and Ward gave me no comfort by saying +that he did not suppose it mattered when we went as long as we turned +up some time. Dons would have to be very different from masters if +that was the case, and as I imagined that they would be of much the +same breed only glorified, I had no wish to begin by making them angry. + +There were thirty or forty freshers in the hall when we got there, and +a few dons sitting at the high table at the end of it. Murray and two +or three other men were up talking to them when I arrived, and I +guessed that they were taking the scholars and exhibitioners +alphabetically, and that I was too late for my turn; though Ward, who +was a commoner and fortunate enough to begin with a W, was probably in +heaps of time. + +When Murray came down he told me that they had called out my name +several times, which made me, quite unreasonably, feel angry with Ward, +but presently they shouted for me again and I went up. + +Though I felt rather agitated as I walked up the hall and saw these +gowned people waiting for me, the idea flitted across my mind that they +looked most extremely like a row of rooks sitting on a long stick. My +prevailing impression as I approached them was one of beak, they seemed +to me like a lot of benevolent and expectant birds. As a matter of +fact this impression was false, and I got it because I was looking at +the Warden--as the Head of St. Cuthbert's was called--and not at the +group of dons on each side of him. + +The Warden was a little man whose head had apparently sunk down into +his neck and got a tilt forward in the process. His eyes were grey and +shrewd, the sort of eyes which one watches to see the signs of the +times; his nose, being that of the Warden, I will only call prominent, +and he had a habit of passing his hand over his mouth and chin, which +was merely a habit, but suggested to me at first sight that he was +pleased with his morning shave. He was nearly sixty years old, and +when he wanted to be nice his efforts were not intelligible to +everybody, but there was no mistaking him when he really wished to be +nasty. However, he was one of those men who are spoken of at Oxford as +having European reputations, and possibly the burden of an European +reputation gives the owner of it a right to behave differently from +ordinary people who have no reputation at all, or if they have one +would prefer that it should be forgotten. + +The Warden held out a hand to me and almost winced at my manner of +grasping it. My father always said that he knew a man by his +hand-shake, but I ought to have been wise enough to spare the Warden. + +"I was in doubt whether or no we were to have the privilege of seeing +you this morning. Perhaps the fatigues of a long journey by rail +caused you to remain in your bedroom for a longer time than is usual, +or indeed beneficial." + +I was on the point of saying that I had been up at eight o'clock, when +it occurred to me that an apology would be shorter than an explanation, +so I mumbled that I was very sorry for being late. My chief desire was +to get away from an atmosphere which I found overpowering. + +I had to listen to some more remarks from the Warden, all of which were +spun out in his extraordinary way, and at last I was introduced to my +tutor, Mr. Gilbert Edwardes, who took me on one side and set to work +telling me what lectures I was to attend. I think he meant to be +friendly but he had a dreadfully stiff manner, and I am sure that he +found it very difficult to unbend. He reminded me most strongly of a +shirt with too much starch in it, or whatever it is that makes shirts +as stiff as boards. + +Later on in the day I went to see him in his rooms in college and he +gave me a little advice and exhorted me to work. It was all a +cut-and-dried sort of affair which did not appeal to any feelings I +had, but since he was my tutor I thought I had better tell him +something about myself. + +He was even smaller than the Warden and quite the most prim-looking man +I have ever beheld. His face was colourless and smooth, and as I sat +opposite him in his gloomy room he looked so tidy and sure of himself +that I found a great difficulty in speaking to him. Having said the +usual things he was very obviously expecting me to go, but I did not +want him to begin by thinking that I was a saint, though why I imagined +that he was in any danger of thinking so I cannot explain. He had, +however, said so much about work and the great care I must take in +avoiding men who distracted me from my duty, that I thought I had +better tell him that I was a very human being. + +I never remember having twiddled my thumbs before but I caught myself +doing it in his room. He was so placid and demure that I could not +imagine that he had ever done a foolish thing in his life. It was +impossible for me to think that he had ever been young, and I wanted +him to know that I was both young and foolish. He must have known the +one and I expect he guessed the other, but at any rate my intention was +to begin fair. Then whatever happened he would not be able to say that +I had not warned him. + +But he made me so nervous that I did not get the right words, and I +made him look more like a poker then ever. "Thanks, most awfully," I +began, and it was a bad beginning, "for all your advice. But I want to +tell you that I do the most stupid things without meaning to do them. +I mean that they only strike me as being stupid after I have done them." + +Mr. Edwardes made noises in his throat which sounded like a succession +of "Ahems," and I floundered on: "I am afraid it is very hard for me +not to like amusing myself as much as possible, but of course I will +try to work and all that sort of thing as well." He stood up when I +got as far as that and smiled at me, but I cannot say that he seemed to +be pleased. "I thought I had better tell you, so that you would know," +I added before I left him, and I went away with the hopeless feeling +that I had made a complete idiot of myself. I hated Mr. Edwardes as I +went back across the quadrangle, for I felt that I had tried to take +him into my confidence and that he had responded by getting rid of me. + +When I reached my rooms my luggage had arrived and I let off steam--so +to speak--by having a dispute with the man who had brought it. I did +not get the best of that dispute, but I did make an effort to practise +the economy which my people had advised, and Clarkson saw me in a rage, +which must have been very good for him. For a solid hour I unpacked +things which I had thought beautiful in my study at Cliborough and put +them about my room, but somehow or other most of them did not seem as +beautiful as I had thought them, and there was a picture--I had won it +in a shilling raffle, and been very proud of it--which filled me with +sorrow. It had been painted by the sister of a fellow at Cliborough, +and when he was frightfully hard-up he arranged a raffle, and everybody +said I was jolly lucky to win it. I was even bid fifteen shillings for +the picture by the original owner, but as I suspected that he wanted to +get up another raffle I refused the offer. When I saw the thing +hanging on my wall I wished that I had not been such a fool. Having +got the thing I did not like to waste it, but if some one would have +come in and stuck a knife into it I should have been very pleased. The +name of this burden was "A Last Night at Sea," and the subjects +represented were a small boat and two or three people huddled together +at one end of it, while in the middle of the boat a woman with long +streaming hair was stretching out her arms towards a terrific wave. If +I had not remembered the name it might not have been so bad, but under +the circumstances no one could say that it was a cheerful thing to live +with. I suppose the satisfaction of having it in my study at +Cliborough had been enough, for I did not recollect having looked at it +before, and when a lot of fellows are swarming around saying what a +lucky chap you are to have won a thing, it is not very likely to give +you the blues then, whatever it may have in store for you afterwards. +I turned "A Last Night at Sea" with its face to the wall and went on +decorating my room. Photographs of my father and mother which I put on +my mantelpiece made me feel rather better, but Nina resplendent in a +green plush frame made me think again. I had been very proud of that +frame some years before when Nina had given it to me; she had sold two +rabbits and borrowed sixpence from Miss Read, her governess, to buy it, +and it had never occurred to me that I could grow out of my admiration +for green plush. The question of what to do with it puzzled me +tremendously; I didn't want to treat Nina badly but the frame was an +abomination. Fortunately there was a ring attached to the frame and I +hung it up in a dark corner, but I promised myself that it should come +out the following morning. + +I had just sat down to survey my labours when Murray came in and +proposed we should go for a walk in the town, and as I was perfectly +sick of my room I was quite ready to go. Although the time was barely +four o'clock and the sun doesn't set for another hour in the middle of +October, it was half dark and drizzling with rain as we walked down +Turl Street and came into The High. But I had got rid of my gloom and +was eager to spend money. I did not quite know what I wanted but that +was not of much consequence. We went into a shop which seemed to be +exactly the place for any one who wished to buy things, and did not +care much what he bought. Before I came out of it I had bought two +chairs, a standard lamp, a small book-case, an enormous bowl--which got +in my way for two years until somebody smashed it--a tea-set, a small +table and half-a-dozen china shepherdesses. I then went to other shops +and made more purchases, while Murray looked on and smiled until I was +waylaid by an accommodating man in the Cornmarket, who wanted to sell +me a fox-terrier pup, and was ready to keep it for me if I had no place +for it; and then I was told not to be a fool. That man's opinion of +Murray is not worth mentioning. + +When we got back to college it was past five o'clock, and between us we +managed to find everything that was necessary for tea. I had a fire in +my room, but Murray had not one in his; he had tea-cups, but I had +none; while I had things to eat, which our cook at home had declared +would be useful and I had most reluctantly brought with me. We were in +the middle of this very substantial meal when Fred Foster came in, and +from his glance round my room I saw that he thought it was a fairly +dismal spot. + +"Rather like an up-stairs dungeon," I said. "Have you got a better +place than this?" + +"It is bigger and not so stuffy," he answered; "but it won't make you +very jealous." + +"You wait until I have got all the things I have just bought, and then +you will think this no end of a place," I remarked. + +"If any one can get inside," Murray put in. + +"It will be rather a squash," I admitted; "I've spent over twelve +pounds already." + +"That's just the sort of thing you would do," Foster said. + +We sat and talked for an hour until Ward burst in, knocking and opening +the door at the same moment. + +Murray and Foster had been getting on splendidly together, but directly +Ward came they hardly said a word. Possibly they did not get much +chance, but any one could see that Foster had taken a dislike to Ward +at sight. + +Murray went away very soon and left the three of us together. + +"I've been over to Woodstock in a dog-cart with Bunny Langham and Bob +Fraser," Ward said. "By Jove, that cob of Bunny's can move. We got +back in five-and-twenty minutes." + +As I didn't know how far it was to Woodstock and didn't care, I said +nothing, so Ward went on, "Bunny's a rare good sort; you ought to meet +him." + +"What college is he at?" I asked. + +"At the House--Christchurch, you know." I did know, and thought the +explanation cheek. "I have hired a gee from Carter's to-morrow, and am +going to drive over to Abingdon with Bunny, will you come?" + +"To-morrow's Sunday," I said. + +"Yes, there is nothing else to do. The better the day the----" But I +interrupted him. + +"Don't talk rot, I hate those things. Are you going in a dog-cart?" I +asked. + +"Yes, it is Bunny's cart." + +"I am jolly well not going to sit on the back seat of a dog-cart if I +can help it; I would rather go about in a perambulator," I said. + +"You are so confoundedly particular," he went on with a great guffaw of +laughter, "but since it is Bunny's cart and I am going to drive I don't +see how we can offer you any other seat." + +"Who the blazes is Bunny?" I asked, for his name was beginning to get +on my nerves, and Fred Foster sitting as dumb as a mute was enough to +upset any one. + +"I know him at home, his father is the Marquis of Tillford and his real +name is Lord Augustus Langham, only his teeth stick out and every one +calls him Bunny," Ward answered. + +"Heaps of money?" I said. + +"Plenty, I should think." + +"Then he is no use to me, though he may be the best fellow in the +world," I declared. + +"You are a rum 'un, why he is just the sort of man who is some use." + +"That depends," Foster said suddenly. + +"Yes, it depends," I repeated, though I didn't know exactly what +depended. + +"What depends?" Ward asked Foster. + +"Well, if a man hasn't got much money it is no use knowing a lot of men +who have got no end." + +"It never struck me that way. Perhaps you are right," and then turning +to me, he added, "Come to breakfast anyhow to-morrow morning, Bunny +won't be there then." + +I promised to go, and then he left us. I walked back to Oriel with +Foster and he had got a lot to say about Jack Ward. "Where in the +world did you find that man?" was his first remark after we were alone. + +"He found me," I said. + +"I should lose him as soon as possible," Fred went on. + +"I don't think that would be very easy," I answered, "and I don't +believe he is a bad sort really." + +"I'll bet he never came back from Woodstock in five-and-twenty +minutes," Foster said. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH + +If I had to describe in detail the first two or three weeks of my life +at Oxford, I think that accusations might be brought against me of +having eaten too much, or at any rate too often. Fortunately I had a +good digestion, I cannot imagine the fate of a dyspeptic freshman if he +had to attend a series of Oxford breakfasts. I have, however, only +once encountered a fresher who suffered from dyspepsia, and if there +was any other man so afflicted at St. Cuthbert's he probably did not +admit his complaint. For we were supposed to be very cultivated at St. +Cuthbert's, and at that time it was not good form to hold a roll-call +of our diseases at breakfast, to discuss surgical operations at +luncheon, and to provide tales of sea-sickness by way of humour at +dinner. We kept our complaints to ourselves and were in truth more +than a little ashamed of them. + +St. Cuthbert's had a reputation of its own. Men in other colleges +criticized us very freely. They said that we were prigs, that the +'Varsity boat would never be any good as long as there was a St. +Cuthbert's man in it, and other pleasant things which did not annoy me, +since I, having been a butt for much personal criticism all my life, +can even get some satisfaction from finding that a crowd of other +people are as bad as I am. Besides, we had nearly one hundred and +fifty men at St. Cuthbert's, and I thought it was absolutely stupid to +say we were all prigs and that none of us could row. + +The truth of the matter was, as far as I could judge, that at St. +Cuthbert's there were often a large number of clever men, and clever +men when young can get on one's nerves most terribly. It is all right +for men to be clever when they are old or even middle-aged, then +allowances are made for them and they may be as odd as they please. +But if any one happens to be clever when he is at Oxford, he will have +to watch himself closely or he will be called either a genius or a +lunatic, and the one is almost as fatal as the other. + +In a college as large as St. Cuthbert's it was natural that there +should be a number of different sets. We had several men who are best +described by the word "bloods"; two or three of them belonged to the +Bullingdon, a few of them to Vincent's, of which Club most of "the +blues" in the 'Varsity were members, and nearly all had plenty of money +and every one of them lived as if they had plenty. I cannot call them +athletic, though they and the really athletic set were more or less +mixed up together. We had also a very serious set who, I thought, gave +themselves far too many airs. Perhaps serious is not quite the right +word to apply to them, for one of this gang wrote a comic opera and +another wrote a farce; but these were just thrown out in their spare +time, and when I attended a reading of the libretto of the comic opera +I went so fast asleep that I cannot say how comic it was. But if it +had been very funny I should think some one would have laughed loud +enough to wake me up. Generally speaking this set seemed to be bent on +the reformation of England, a thing which has happened once and is +rather a difficult matter for a college debating society to bring about +again. The reformation which they were bent upon was not, however, +religious, for they thought little of the religion which satisfies +ordinary people. One of them told me that religion was merely +emotional and sentimental, a crutch for a weak man, and went on to say +that their scheme was moral and social, a cry for a better life and +against the oppression of the poor. That man bored me terribly, but +since one of his own set had told me that he was the cleverest man in +Oxford I did not like to tell him what I thought. Besides I was only a +fresher who had not yet looked around, and he was the first man I had +met who was the cleverest man in Oxford, though I met several others +afterwards who had arrived at the same peak of distinction. I even got +so weary of meeting this particular brand of man that I asked Jack Ward +to help me along my way by spreading a report that I was a most +promising poet, but he said that no one who had ever seen me would +believe him. He meant to be complimentary, I believe. + +It was into this medley of sets that I was plunged headlong. Crowds of +men called upon me and asked me to meals. Some of them wanted to know +me because I played cricket and football, the captain of the college +boat called because he wanted me to row, some of the "bloods" left +cards on me because they had seen me walking about with Jack Ward, whom +they had marked down as one of themselves. A few men called from other +colleges who had known me at Cliborough, or had been asked to see +something of me because their people knew mine. I got to know the +oddest lot of men imaginable, and as long as they looked clean and did +not try to rush me into helping them to reform the world, I liked them +all. + +But in spite of Ward, who pretended that Rugby football was an +overrated amusement, I wanted to belong to the athletic set, and I +started by playing footer in a thing which is most correctly called +"The Freshers' Squash." In this struggle any fresher who had never +played rugger in his life, but thought he would like some exercise, +could play, while footer blues dodged round and took your names, if you +were lucky enough to touch the ball, and booked you for the proper +game. On the following day I played back in the real freshers' match, +and was most tremendously encouraged before I started by hearing one +man say to another that I had come up with a big reputation from +Cliborough. Perhaps I was encouraged too much, or possibly I had eaten +too heavy a luncheon, for whatever reputation I might have had before +the game began, was effectually dispersed before we had finished +playing; and Foster, who was playing three-quarters on the other side, +was the man who assisted me in this dismally easy task. Four times he +came right away from everybody, and once he slipped down in front of +me, but on the other three occasions he simply swerved away from me and +I missed him by yards. The man who had been full back to the 'Varsity +XV. the year before had gone down, and Foster had put into my head the +idea that I ought to have a jolly good chance of getting my blue. This +match was a very rude blow, and when I put on my coat and walked out of +the parks I felt that I had been very badly treated. I was not at all +sure with whom I was most angry, but I had a general feeling that +whatever I tried to do went most hopelessly wrong, and that I was much +better fitted to sit in a dog-cart with Jack Ward, than I was to stand +up in a footer-field and be made a fool of by Fred Foster. + +As luck would have it the first man I saw when I went into the college +was Ward, and he shouted with laughter when he saw me. + +"I went down to the parks to see you," he said, "but for heaven's sake +don't look so down on your luck. I don't see that it matters, there +are other things worth doing besides trying to collar impossible +people. If you don't have to play again I shall think you are +thundering well out of it." + +If anybody had said this to me at school I should have thought that he +was mad, but during the few days I had been at Oxford I had somehow or +other got hopelessly mixed up. Foster wanted me to do one thing, +Murray advised me to do another, Ward kept on asking me to slack, and a +fellow called Dennison, whom I had met several times, seemed to think +that Oxford was a tremendous joke and that the most amusing people in +it were the dons. + +At any rate I was not in the least angry at Ward's way of taking my +wretched exhibition, so I asked him and Dennison and two or three other +freshers, who were standing around in the quad, to come and have tea +with me, and that tea was the beginning of my first big row. I had not +finished my bath when I was sorry I had asked them, for I remembered +that before the game had begun Foster had asked me to go round +afterwards to see him, and I had a sort of feeling that if he had made +an idiot of himself, and I had caused him to do so, he would have most +certainly not been as angry as I was. However, I had let myself in for +this tea and had to go through with it, and I must say that it was very +good fun. + +If, as some wit said, only a dull man can be brilliant at breakfast, it +seems to me that if the converse of this is true St. Cuthbert's must +have contained an extraordinary number of brilliant men. The +amusements of a breakfast given by a senior man to half-a-dozen +freshers were principally food and silence. It is, I think, dreadfully +difficult to talk to a batch of freshers, and only one man, as far as +my experience went, overcame the difficulty. He resorted to the simple +means of telling us what a wonderful man he was. But when we were +alone we chattered like a lot of starlings, every one talked and no one +listened, so we got on well together. + +Ward and Dennison came up to my rooms before I was dressed, and two +other men, Lambert and Collier, arrived soon afterwards. It was a +party of which Ward strongly approved. While I was trying to make the +kettle boil, I heard Dennison say that we were the pick of the +freshers, a statement which no one was very likely to deny. I felt +badly in need of some tonic after my afternoon, and I swallowed the one +provided by Dennison without any hesitation, not stopping to wonder how +often he had said the same thing to other men. As a matter-of-fact we +were rather an odd lot to be the pick of anybody. + +Dennison looked younger than any boy in the sixth form at Cliborough, +and he could, on occasions, blush most bashfully. His blush was, +however, the only bashful thing about him and he used it very seldom. +Ward had told me that although Dennison looked such a kid he knew a +tremendous lot. I discovered this for myself later on, but I cannot +say that his knowledge was the kind which is difficult to acquire. He +professed a wholesale contempt for any game at which he could get his +mouth full of dirt, and said that he would as soon make mud-pies as +play football. + +Lambert was hugely tall and walked with a stride which was as long as +it was stately. He went in for dressing himself beautifully, strummed +on the banjo, and had a playful little habit of arranging his tie in +any mirror which he saw. His pride in himself was so monstrously open +that no one with a grain of humour could be angry with him. He talked +about every game under the sun as if they were all equally easy to him, +but I should not think that any one was ever found who believed half of +what he said. + +Collier's great point was the beam which he kept on his face, he always +looked so perfectly delighted to see you that he was a most effective +cure for depression. He was fat and did not mind, which persuaded me +that he was very easy to please. Nature had prevented him from playing +football with any success, but for six or seven overs, on a cool day, +he was reported to be a dangerous fast bowler. + +As Jack Ward thought that no ball yet made was worth worrying when he +could ride, drive, or even be driven, and since I was feeling about as +sick with footer as it is possible for any one who had got a love for +the game in him to be, I confess that we were a peculiar lot to think +much of ourselves. + +My room was not made to hold five people, who, with the exception of +Dennison, were all either very broad or long, but a good honest squash +certainly makes for friendship. We were a fairly rowdy party, because +Lambert had brought his banjo and as soon as he had finished tea he +wanted to sing; in fact it may be said of him that he was always +wanting to sing and could never find any one who wished to listen to +him. I had already heard him sing some sentimental rubbish about +meeting by moonlight and another thing about stars and souls, and I +threw a cushion at his head as soon as he began to make some noise +which he called "tuning up." That began a cushion fight, which +resulted in two china shepherdesses, a small lamp, and some teacups +being smashed, but it persuaded Lambert that he could not sing whenever +he felt inclined. We all sat down again, and Ward, who had been +hanging on to the standard lamp while cushions had been flying around, +said to me-- + +"You did look down on your luck when I saw you in the quad. I can't +think why anybody should take these wretched games so seriously; it +seems to me a perfectly rotten thing to do." + +"No game is worth playing in which it matters to any one else whether +you win or lose," Dennison said before I had a chance to answer Ward; +"the only games a self-respecting man can play are court tennis, +racquets and golf. Then there is no one to swear at you except +yourself." + +"That's rubbish," I answered. "Half the fun of the thing is belonging +to a side, and a man must be mad to say that golf is a better game than +cricket." + +"Dennison wasn't trying to make out that golf is better than cricket, +but was just saying what games a man can play without being sworn at as +if he were a coolie," Ward said. + +"I refuse to take amusements seriously," Dennison continued. "I would +sooner shout with laughter at a funeral than lose my temper playing a +game." + +"The sweetest thing on earth," I said, "is to catch a fast half-volley +to leg plumb in the middle of the bat." + +"It isn't in the same street with a comic opera at the Savoy after a +good dinner," Lambert remarked. + +"At any rate it doesn't last so long," Dennison, who had a queer idea +of what was funny, put in. + +"A punt, good cushions, June, and a novel by one of those people who +make you feel sleepy, are hard to beat," Collier stated. + +"You are a Sybarite," Dennison said, "and you will be a disappointed +one before long. All we do here in the summer is to give our relations +strawberries and cream and run with our college eight." + +"How do you know?" Collier asked, but to so searching a question he got +no reply. + +"The finest sight in the world is a thoroughbred horse," Ward said. + +"You must have gone about with your eyes shut," Dennison declared. + +"Don't sit there talking rot," I said. "If anything ever pleases you, +tell us what it is." + +"My greatest pleasure is in polite conversation," he answered. + +"Oh, you are a sarcastic idiot," I retorted, for people who are +afflicted by thinking themselves funny when I think they are idiotic +always make me rude. + +"Dennison never says what he means," Ward explained, "it is a little +habit of his." + +"Why can't you talk straight, it's much simpler, and doesn't make me +feel so horribly uncomfortable?" I asked, turning to Dennison. + +"Marten is getting angry," was the only answer I received, and it was +so near the truth that I wanted to pick him up and drop him in the +passage. + +Ward, however, calmed my feelings by saying that he could not imagine +any one troubling to be angry with Dennison. "The one thing he prides +himself on is getting a rise out of people, and we aren't such fools as +he thinks us." + +"And he is a much bigger fool than he thinks," Collier said solemnly. + +"You are a nice complimentary lot," Dennison remarked, smiling amiably +upon us. + +"It's your own fault," Collier continued; "you try to be clever and +succeed in being confoundedly dull. I was at school with him for five +years and I know his only strong point is that the more you abuse him +the more he likes you." + +"I'm fairly in love with you, Coalheaver," Dennison said. + +"Naturally, but you might forget that very witty name." + +"I'm going," Lambert declared, "for I'm dining in hall, and if I don't +go for a walk those kromeskis and quenelles will choke me." + +"Half a minute," and Ward pushed Lambert back into his seat; "now we +are all here, I think we had better arrange a freshers' wine. There +always is one, and nobody will get it up if we don't, so I vote we do +the thing properly." + +Every one seemed to approve of the idea, but as I was no use at making +arrangements I suggested that Ward should manage the whole business. + +"I can order everything, but we must have a committee to choose the +people we shall ask and all that part of it. We can't ask everybody," +Ward said. + +"Half of them won't come if we do. I should think we had better ask +the whole lot, and then we shall know what they are made of," Lambert +advised. + +"We shan't have a room big enough to hold them," Collier said. + +After that we all began to talk, and though I had only a hazy notion of +what we decided, I heard enough to know that Ward and Dennison meant +having this wine in about ten days and only intended to ask the +freshers whom they liked. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +UNEXPECTED PEOPLE + +The idea of working for Mr. Gilbert Edwardes never had much attraction +for me, and for the first two or three weeks at Oxford I found it very +difficult to satisfy him. However, the excuse that I took a long time +to settle down in a fresh place did not seem as reasonable to him as it +did to me, so I had to abandon it and try to appease him. The worst of +him was that I never knew whether he was pleased or not; he accepted my +most determined efforts at scholarship as a matter of course and +reserved his eloquence for the occasions on which my work showed +symptoms of haste. In less than a fortnight I felt that my tutor and I +were watching each other, an element of distrust seemed to have sprung +up; he took it for granted that I would do as little as possible, while +I was searching for something which could tell me that he was human as +well as learned. + +I could not understand him in the least, for I had been accustomed to +masters who talked about things of which I knew a little even if they +were bored by doing so; but when I met Mr. Edwardes I felt that he +belonged to the ice period, and that he would think the smallest thaw a +waste of time. + +I do like a human being, I mean a man who lets you know something about +him and does not barricade himself against you. But a man who puts up +the shutters in front of his virtues and faults bothers me most +terribly, and I always seem to be bumping my head against something +invisible whenever I see him, which is a most disconcerting performance. + +Mr. Edwardes was also Murray's tutor, but Murray was not afflicted, as +I was, with the desire to know people more than they wanted to be +known, and he told me that if I would only take Edwardes as I found him +we should get on together splendidly. In spite of Jack Ward, I saw +Murray every day, and the more I knew of him the more I liked him. He +was in my room one evening after Ward had arranged that we were to have +a freshers' wine, and I asked him if he was coming to it. + +"I can't go unless I am asked," he said, "and I shan't go now if I am +asked." + +I resolved to say a few things to Ward, but I did not know what to say +to Murray. + +"Ward is asking everybody he wants, isn't he?" he inquired. + +"Yes it was left to him and Dennison, I believe." + +"Then I am not likely to be invited, for he and I never could do +anything but have rows with each other at Wellingham." + +"What about?" I asked, for Murray had never said much about Ward to me +and I wanted to hear his side of the quarrel. + +"It isn't worth repeating," he answered. "I was head of the school and +Ward thought a friend of his ought to have seen. He thinks I am a smug +because I have to work, and I suppose I think he is a fool because he +thinks I am a smug. He is a queer sort, and it is hopeless for me to +try to be friends with him, even if I wanted to be, and I don't." + +"He is a fairly good cricketer, isn't he?" I asked, for I had +discovered that when Murray had once made up his mind no efforts of +mine would change it. + +"Yes, he would have got into the XI. quite easily only he was so slack, +and the master who looked after our cricket couldn't stand him. It was +rather a swindle that he didn't get into the team all the same." + +"I hate slackers," I said, and to prove it I set to work on some Homer +for Edwardes. Murray got his books and we slaved together for nearly +two hours, when a most timid knock sounded on my door, and a man came +in who seemed to be most fearfully nervous. He was carrying a gown and +a cap in his hand, and he looked at Murray, who was not at all an +alarming sight, as if he had encountered a wild man from one of those +regions where wild men are bred. I had never had much practice at +putting any one at their ease, for most people hit me on the back and +call me "old fellow" far too soon; but I tried very hard to calm my +visitor, and though it was six o'clock I asked him to have tea and +every conceivable other thing I could think of, all of which he +refused. He told me his name was Owen, but apart from that I knew +nothing, and the more he fidgeted with the tassel of his cap the more I +wondered why he had come. + +Murray, however, guessed that he was in the way and hurried off as soon +as he could. Then Owen made two or three unsuccessful efforts to +begin, until I felt that I must offer him something more, only I had +nothing left to offer. The man who said that hospitality covers a +multitude of emotions went nearer the mark than most of those +word-turning people do. But at last it all came out in jerks, and I +felt most thoroughly sorry for him; if I had been in his place I am +certain I should never have faced such an ordeal. + +"I didn't like to tell you why I had come before your friend," he +began; and he still twisted his cap round and round by the tassel. "I +suppose a sort of false modesty prevented me, but I might just as well +have spoken before him." + +"Murray is a most awfully good sort," I said lamely, for I wanted to +help him so much that my head felt hot and I could not think. + +"I expect he is," Owen went on, "but I haven't come to be friends with +your friends. I only wanted to see you, and the reason is that over +twenty years ago in India your father saved my father's life." + +I did feel relieved when he told me that, for I had been imagining that +he was the kind of man who is known as a freak, and had come to win me +over to some stupid crank which he would call a noble cause. + +"I am most tremendously glad you have come," I said, and then I began +talking about my father's old regiment, and Owen could not get a word +in until I had finished. + +"You don't understand," he said, as soon as he got a chance; "when you +talk about a regiment you only think of the officers, my father was one +of the men." + +"I don't see what that matters as long as his life was saved." + +"It does matter," Owen replied; "it matters here very much, where there +is not much liberality except in offering meals and things not wanted." +I moved my feet and kicked the fender, the fire-irons jangled together +and he went on: "I ought not to have said that, it is my blundering way +to say the thing I oughtn't; what I meant was that Oxford is not very +liberal to a man like I am, who is here by hard work, and not because +his fathers and grandfathers were here before him. It is impossible in +a place of sets--social, athletic, and all the rest--for a man who has +to work to keep himself, to be treated in the same way as you, for +instance, are treated. I am not what the world calls a gentleman." + +"Oh, confound the world," I said, "it is always mixed up in my mind +with the flesh and the devil," and as Owen did not say anything for a +minute I asked him what college he was at. + +"I am unattached, St. Catherine's if you like; we are called 'The +Toshers,'" he answered, and there was a note of bitterness in his +voice. "Of course," he went on, "I am boring you to death, but I must +say that I should never have come to see you if my father had not made +me promise that I would. He takes a tremendous interest in both your +brother and you; he knows the place your brother passed into Sandhurst +and where he was in the list when he went out, and last summer he +watched for your name in _The Sportsman_, and when you got any wickets +he was as pleased as Punch. He writes to Colonel Marten still." + +I wished I could have said that my father had mentioned him to me, but +if I had I am certain that Owen would have seen that I was not telling +the truth. "My father," I tried to explain, "never talks about +anything he has done. If your father had saved his life I should have +heard of it a hundred times." + +"You have the knack of saying the right thing, I shall never get that +if I live to be a hundred;" and then he stood up, and putting a hand on +the mantel-piece looked at the photographs of my people, but he did not +say what he thought about them. + +"If I did say the right thing, it was a most fearful fluke," I said, +for I could not be silent. "I simply hate men who walk about patting +themselves on the back because they have had what they call success +with a remark." + +He did not listen to what I was saying, but stood staring into the +fire; at last he turned round and held out a hand to me. + +"I must thank you," he began; "and there is one other thing I have got +to ask you before I say good-bye. My father asked me to make you +promise that you would never mention what I have told you about his +life being saved by your father, or anything about him. It seems to be +a sort of compact, I don't understand it. He doesn't want your people +to know anything about me, but only you." + +I promised, of course, but I felt rather bothered. + +"We may meet some day in the street," he said, and he pushed his hand +into mine; but I let it go, and told him to sit down again. For this +last speech of his was annoying, he had evidently got a wrong idea of +me. + +"It is no use talking rot," I said. "To begin with, what on earth have +you got to thank me for?" + +"If Colonel Marten hadn't saved my father's life, I should never have +been born," he said. + +"And you have come to thank me for that?" I said, and I did not mean to +be rude. + +"I was told to, you see," he answered. + +I looked at him and we both laughed, though I went on laughing long +after he had stopped. The idea of me being thanked for anybody's +existence was beautifully comic. + +"It is very good of you to have come," I said, as soon as I could; "but +I don't deserve any thanks and you know that I don't." + +"You haven't got much to do with it, perhaps, but you were here and I +should never have been forgiven if I hadn't come to see you. I shan't +come again." + +"Oh, bosh," I replied. "What's the good of talking stuff like that? +Of course you will come again, and I am coming to see you, if I may. +How long have you been up here?" + +"This is the beginning of my third year." + +"What did you get in Mods?" I asked, for I felt sure that he had done +well. + +"A First," he answered. + +"I wish I had. Where do you live?" + +"I shan't tell you." + +"You may just as well, for I shall easily find out." + +He stood up again, and talked as he strode up and down my room. + +"I have been here two years," he began, "and I know that it is +impossible for us to be friends; and when you have thought it over you +will think as I do. My father teaches fencing and boxing in London; I +was educated at a school you never heard of; I am helped here by an old +gentleman who discovered that I was more or less intelligent. He has a +mania for experiments, and I am his latest hobby. Have I said enough +to put you off, or must I go on?" + +"I suppose I can please myself when I choose my friends," I said. + +"That you most certainly can't do here," he answered. "Let me alone +and I won't bother you any more. Good-night, your bell is going for +dinner." + +He walked straight out of my room, and before he had closed the door +Jack Ward rushed in. + +"Who is that man?" he asked at once. + +"I am not going to tell you," I answered, for I wanted time to think. + +"Well he is a funny-looking Johnny anyway, looks as pale as a codfish +and as solemn as a boiled owl. You do collect an odd set of friends; +there's that man Foster, who seems to be deaf and dumb, and Murray, who +gives me the blues whenever I see him, and then this apparition." + +"You can just shut up jawing," I answered, as I hunted round for my +gown; "when I want you to criticize my friends I will tell you. +Foster's worth about ten billion of you any day." + +I was very angry, but Ward only laughed and told me to hurry up unless +I wanted the soup to be cold. + +"We are going to have a little roulette in my rooms to-night," he said, +as we walked across the quad. "Will you come?" + +"No, I won't," I answered, and I let him go into the hall first, and as +soon as he had chosen his seat I got as far from him as I could. I saw +him talking to Collier, and they seemed to be amused, which did not +lessen my annoyance. If the freshers' wine had been held on that +evening, I am very nearly sure that I should not have gone to it. + +After dinner I waylaid Murray, and dragged him off to see Foster at +Oriel. Two days before Foster had been playing rugger for the 'Varsity +against the London Scottish, and I had neither seen the game, because I +had to play in a college match on the same afternoon, nor had I seen +him since. I wanted to hear whether he was satisfied with himself, but +I wanted also to tell him about Owen. + +We found him in the college lodge talking to a whole lot of men, but as +soon as he saw us he grabbed one man and took us to his rooms. I did +not want this fourth fellow, but since he was there I must say that +Foster could not have got any one nicer. His name was Henderson, and +he had been so successful as captain of his school cricket XI. that he +had played three times for Somersetshire during August. His legs and +arms were extraordinarily long and his face was covered with freckles; +one freckle had placed itself on the tip of his nose and I did not get +accustomed to it for a long time--it was the sort of thing which one +kept on looking at to see if it was still there. He would not talk +about his cricket, except to say that he should not have played for +Somersetshire if half the regular team had not been laid up, and he +kept on clamouring to play whist, so that at last we gave way to him. + +I had a good opinion of my whist, though how I arrived at it I cannot +explain. Henderson was my partner and he seemed to me to do the most +odd things. For instance when I led a spade and he took the trick, +instead of leading another spade he would begin some fresh suit, which +made me wonder what in the world he was doing. And he did not seem to +think his trumps half as valuable as I thought mine, but just led them +whenever he felt inclined. When Nina, Foster and I played whist it was +considered pretty bad form to lead trumps when we had anything else to +lead, and we kept them for a big outburst at the finish. I pitied +myself considerably for having Henderson as a partner, and I was very +surprised to see Murray doing the same odd sort of things. So at the +end of one rubber Foster and I played together, but I cannot say that +we had much luck, and just at the end I made a revoke which Murray was +brute enough to notice. When Henderson had gone I said that he seemed +to be a rare good sort, but it was a pity he did not know a little more +about whist. I hoped Murray would take that remark partly to himself, +because at the end of every hand he had talked to Henderson about what +might have happened if he had led a different card, and sometimes he +even went on jawing when he had got his fresh hand, which quite put me +off my game. But all Murray did was to laugh, while Foster said to me +that he was afraid our way of playing whist was all wrong, and I had +some difficulty in persuading him that it was not. Then Murray said +something about reading Cavendish carefully, but I had heard some one +say that Cavendish was out of date, so I borrowed this man's opinion +and expressed it as my own, which amused Murray so much that if I had +not been sorry for him I believe I should have lost my temper. + +At last, however, we stopped discussing whist, and after I had made +Foster and Murray swear they would tell no one else, I gave them an +account of Owen coming to see me. Before I began Foster declared that +the reason I bound them to keep my secret was because I wanted to tell +it to every one myself. In fact he expected the whole thing to be some +miserable little affair, for I had a habit, which I have since +abandoned, of extracting the most terrific promises of secrecy from my +friends and then telling them something which they did not think as +important as I did. I started that game because I had once told +something really funny to a lot of fellows at Cliborough, and they went +and spread it about so quickly that I could never find any one else who +did not know it, which was simply nothing less than a fraud. + +But as soon as I had got fairly into my tale I saw that both Foster and +Murray were interested, and at the end of it I asked them what I was to +do. + +"Do you think he meant that he wouldn't have anything more to do with +you, or that he just wanted to show you that he would leave you to +decide what was to happen next?" Murray asked. + +"I don't know what he meant," I answered. "He seemed to be in a rage +with the whole of Oxford, only it was not a noisy sort of rage but a +kind of smouldering business, and perhaps I only imagined the whole +thing." + +"What was he like to look at?" Foster inquired. + +"Pale and dark, and he looked unwell without looking unwholesome," I +replied. + +"I saw him," Murray said, "and I thought he would have been rather nice +if he hadn't been so nervous. He has got great big eyes and about half +an acre of forehead." + +"He wore a flannel shirt and a turned-down collar, and looked clean," I +told Foster, for I thought he had better know everything. + +"Ask him to lunch and Murray and me to meet him," Foster suggested. + +"I can't ask a senior man to lunch, it would show that I thought it +didn't make any difference in his case, and I think he would be on the +look-out for things like that. Besides, he wouldn't come." + +"I should leave him alone," Murray said. + +"I shan't do that, it would make me feel a brute," I replied. + +"Find out where he lives and I will come with you and see him. I know +your father, so it will be all right," Foster proposed. + +"He has called on me, so he can't mind me going to see him, and I +should like to take you with me. I'll let you know as soon as I have +found out where his rooms are;" and then, as it was getting late, +Foster came down with us to the lodge, and I was half out of the door +before I remembered to ask him about his footer. + +"I am playing against Cooper's Hill on Wednesday," he said; "but I +shall be kicked out if I don't play any better than I did on Saturday." + +As we walked up King Edward Street Murray did nothing but talk about +Foster, and since I was always delighted whenever I could get any one +on that subject I did not look half carefully enough where I was going. +Murray was in cap and gown, but I was not wearing what is sometimes +magnificently called "academical attire," but had on a cloth cap. It +had never occurred to me that we were likely to meet the "proggins," +but as I turned into The High we ran full tilt into him, and before I +had time to think of running, a "bulldog" had told me that the proctor +would like to speak to me. There was no way out of it, so I turned to +gratify this unforeseen gentleman and found that he was my tutor, Mr. +Edwardes. He did not trouble to go through the usual formula of asking +me whether I belonged to the University and all the rest of it, but +told me to call upon him the next morning. He spoke so quickly that I +could not hear what time he told me to come, but I supposed any time +would do. + +"Did you know that Edwardes was a proctor?" I asked Murray, as soon as +we could go on. + +"Some one told me he was; he is a junior proctor, I think." + +"And a vile nuisance," I added. "He will be more down on me than ever +now." + +"There is no harm in walking about without cap and gown," Murray said. + +"I'll bet Edwardes thinks there is," I answered, and as I was feeling +furious at being caught so simply, I gave a tremendous hammer upon the +door of St. Cuthbert's, and when I wished the porter good-night he +glared at me and did not answer. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE WINE + +The faculty of making people angry without meaning to do so is a most +fatal possession. When I remember the men I know who seem to be +constitutionally unpleasant and who walk about saying sarcastic things, +I do think I am unlucky. For I annoy people quite unintentionally, and +it must be the most stupid way of bringing about a bad result. I get +no fun for my money, so to speak. Honestly I did not hear at what time +Mr. Edwardes told me to call upon him, and when I strolled over to his +rooms about eleven o'clock on the following morning, I had no idea that +he was likely to be more than usually displeased. But it did not take +me a moment to discover that he was very angry indeed. From what he +told me it seemed that I ought to have appeared at nine o'clock with +many other men as unfortunate as I was, and he evidently considered +that I had not come at the proper hour because I had thought that one +time would do as well as another. I told him that I did not hear him +mention any particular time, but I do not think he believed me, and +after I had paid him five shillings for being without my cap and gown +he did not even thank me, but looked first at his watch and then at a +long list which he had on his table. + +"It is now a quarter-past eleven, and I believe Mr. Armitage's lecture +at Merton begins at eleven o'clock. May I ask why you have decided not +to attend his lecture this morning?" and he screwed his mouth up until +it seemed to disappear. + +His question was difficult to answer, because I could not tell him that +Murray and I had decided that Mr. Armitage lectured very badly, and +that I had expressed my intention of cutting his lectures whenever I +felt inclined. So I said that I had forgotten Mr. Armitage's lecture, +which happened to be the truth. + +"I am afraid, Mr. Marten, that you take a very light view of your +responsibilities," he said. "It is unusual, I imagine, for an +exhibitioner of a college to interview the proctor as soon as you have +done; the college authorities naturally expect their scholars and +exhibitioners to obey the rules of the University, and they also expect +them to apply themselves earnestly to their studies. At the present +moment I am unable to consider that you have realized either of these +expectations." + +"Well, sir, they are early days yet," I said with a smile, for I +thought it was best to take a cheery view of the situation. + +"This is no jest," he replied, and his teeth snapped together very +disagreeably. + +"I did not mistake it for one," I said, and I wanted to be amicable; +"but being without cap and gown last night is not a very awful offence, +is it? The proctors would have a very dull time if they did not catch +men sometimes." + +I cannot imagine why I made that last remark, except that he had fixed +his little eyes upon me when I began and it seemed to be dragged out of +me. + +"I do not think that you need trouble yourself about the duties of the +proctors, Mr. Marten. Good-morning, and please remember what I have +said to you." + +I left his room smiling, and I am sure he thought I was laughing at +him; but what really amused me was being called "Mr. Marten," for I had +not grown accustomed to my prefix and the sound of it was most comical +to me. I am afraid my taste for jokes was very different from that of +my tutor. + +When I came away from Mr. Edwardes I stood in the front quadrangle and +whistled. My whistle is unmusical and penetrative, useful only when a +dog has been lost, and some man, whom I did not know, put his head out +of his window and said abruptly, "For heaven's sake shut up that vile +noise;" another man chucked a penny into the quad and told me he should +send something heavier if I did not stop. The front quad was obviously +no place for me, but before I had made up my mind where I would go the +Warden came out of his house and saw me before I saw him. + +"Good-morning, Mr. Marten," he said before I could escape; "it is so +unusual to find a beautiful quadrangle totally uninhabited that you +seem to be undecided whether to leave it or not. Your whistle as I +stood by the open window of my bedroom suggested to me that you are not +employing your time most advantageously either to yourself or to +others." + +He stood by me for a moment, and then moving on with his peculiar +shuffle disappeared through the doorway leading into the college +gardens. My nerves were becoming upset from these constant encounters, +and as I felt that I could not sit down and work until I had some kind +of an antidote, I went up to see Jack Ward, who had rooms in the front +quadrangle. + +I found him, as I thought, most beautifully unemployed, but as soon as +he had asked me whether my temper was better in the morning than at +night, of which remark I took no notice, he said that he was being +worried to death. + +There were two telegrams lying on his table, and I thought something +awful had happened to his people, so I tried to look sympathetic and +replied that if he would rather be left alone I would go at once. Then +he broke forth into the language of towing-paths and barges and asked +me whether I was a lunatic, which was a fairly nasty question when I +thought I was treating his trouble in a becoming spirit. I was not, +however, sure what was the matter with him, so I did not say what I +might have said but asked him to tell me why he was bothered. + +"You see it is like this," he answered, picking up both the telegrams; +"one of our groom fellows at home has a brother who knows everything +about Blackmore's stable, and he has just wired to me that Dainty Dick +will win the Flying Welter at Hurst Park to-day, and I was off to back +it when I get a wire from my tipster, Tom Webb, that The Philosopher +can't lose the same race. It is Tom's 'double nap' and I am in a hole +what to do." + +As I had never heard before of Dainty Dick, The Philosopher, Tom Webb +or Blackmore, I did not feel in a position to give advice, but I +laughed until I felt quite unwell, and Ward walked about the room +asking violently why I was amused. + +"I thought some of your people were ill when I came in here," I said +after some minutes, "and the whole thing turns out to be some gibberish +nonsense about Tom Webb, a tipster, and some rotten horses." + +"You are most refreshingly green," Ward replied, and he screwed the +telegrams together and threw them into the fire. + +"What are you going to do?" I inquired. + +"That's just it, I can't make up my mind. Tom Webb has sent me twelve +stiff 'uns running, and if The Philosopher won and I wasn't on it I +should swear for a month." + +"Then," I said wisely, "I think you had better back The Philosopher; +you ought to think a little of your friends." + +The only answer I received to my suggestion was that of all the fools +in Oxford I was the most sublime, so I told him that if he backed +either of these horses he would be proving that, at any rate, I was not +absolutely the biggest fool he knew. But he had begun to read racing +guides and calendars, and every now and then made notes upon a piece of +paper, so he treated my retort with contempt. + +"I believe," he said, with a pencil between his teeth, "that Dainty +Dick can give The Philosopher about eleven pounds, and he has only to +give him four, so I shall back The Philosopher." + +"That doesn't seem very good reasoning," I ventured to remark. + +"My opinion's always wrong," he explained, "but I have a thundering +good mind to back both of 'em." + +"It seems the quickest way of losing your money," I said. + +"Don't be such a confounded ass. I know about some of these stables, a +man is a fool if you like who bets and doesn't know." He shut up his +betting-book with a bang, and I told him the only tale I knew about +racing. + +"I have a cousin," I began, "who owned racehorses and all the rest of +it. He lost every penny he had, and a lot more besides. He knew, as +you call it." I did not feel that my tale, though it had the merit of +being true, was a good one. + +"It is no use for you to sit there and conjure up tragedies," Ward +replied. "I can't help gambling, it is in my blood; my father is about +the biggest speculator in England. If you want a good tip, buy +Susquehambo Consolidated Rubies." + +I was not inclined to buy anything except a fox-terrier pup, and I told +Ward that he would come a most howling cropper if he did not look out. +But I have never yet happened to find the man who was inclined to take +my warnings seriously, and Jack Ward, at any rate, was so naturally +optimistic, that I might have known that he would take no notice +whatever of my advice. + +"I shall back both Dainty Dick and The Philosopher," he said, when I +had finished; "come down to Wright's with me, and I will have a fiver +on each of them. I don't get tips like these every day." + +He put on his cap and tried to persuade me to go with him, but I was +sick of the man, he seemed to me to be simply throwing his money away; +so I went back to my rooms, and finding that Murray had been to +Armitage's lecture, I borrowed his notes and copied them into my book, +though Murray said, and I thought, that I was wasting my time. + +I did not see Ward again until after five o'clock, when he brought an +evening paper and a cheerful countenance into my rooms and told me that +Dainty Dick had won the Flying Welter, and The Philosopher had been +second. "Two pretty good tips, my boy," he said; "nothing but your +obstinacy prevented your being on." + +Collier had been having tea with me, and was to all appearances asleep +when Ward came in, but without opening his eyes he said, "Betting is a +mug's game. What price did this brute start at?" + +"I don't know until I get the next evening paper, but it is sure to be +a good price; there were twelve runners, and they are sure to have +backed The Philosopher." + +"You are a rotter," Collier stated; "if you are going to stay here, +don't talk racing to us. I don't know anything about it and don't want +to." + +"I know a real hot thing for the Manchester November Handicap, been +kept for months," Ward said quite cheerfully. + +"We don't want to hear it," I said. + +"I am thundering well not going to tell you anyway. You two men ought +to be in bed, I am going to find some one who is not half asleep," Ward +answered, and he went away with unnecessary noise. + +Both Collier and I had promised to go to Lambert's rooms after dinner +on that evening; he had asked us because he said we ought to have a +talk about the freshers' wine, but we knew well enough that he intended +to twang his wretched banjo and sing little love songs which made the +night hideous. If only he would have sung comic things he might not +have caused such wholesale pain, though I should not like to speak +positively upon that point. I did not go to this entertainment +immediately after dinner, and when I arrived I found the usual gang, +Ward, Dennison and Collier, and one other man who turned out to be +Bunny Langham. Everybody except Collier was playing a game of cards +called "Bank," the chief merit of which is its simplicity. The dealer +puts some money into the pool and deals three cards to each player, who +can bet up to the amount in the pool that one of his cards will beat +the card which the dealer turns up against him. All that seemed to +happen was that Bunny Langham kept on saying, "I'll go the whole +shoot," and then complained violently of his luck. It was no game for +me and I looked to Collier for amusement, but he had got a bottle of +French plums in his lap and was engaged in trying to get them out with +a fork which was too short for the job. The banjo had been put back +into its case, and though it was not amusing to see four men play cards +and Collier over-eating himself, I was content to see the banjo put +away for the night, so I got the most comfortable chair I could grasp +and waited until somebody thought it was time to go to bed. I sat +facing Bunny Langham, and as there was nothing else to do I watched him +losing his money, and I should think he was what is called a very good +loser. He was a most curious-looking man and wore eyeglasses which did +not seem powerful enough, for when he wanted to take any money from the +pool or--which happened more frequently--pay something into it, he took +them off and put up a single eyeglass which he managed with the skill +of one to whom it was a necessity and not an inconvenience. His +complexion was pink and white, and he had a small patch of piebald hair +over his right car, which in some lights looked like a rosette. But in +spite of his odd appearance there was something attractive in his face; +it must, I think, have been either his expression or his forehead, for +it certainly was not his chin, and a nose never looks its best when +shadowed by pince-nez. Dennison was the only winner at the table, and +smiled benignly round him when he was not lighting his pipe. Lambert +threw his money about with a magnificent air more comical than +impressive, and Jack Ward seemed to be the one man whose attention was +riveted on the game. When a remark was made on any subject except bad +luck, Ward broke in asking some one how much they were going to stake +or telling Bunny, who never seemed to know what was going to happen +next, that they were waiting for him. I thought "Bank" must be the +dreariest of all card games, but it was nearly twelve o'clock before +Langham got up and said he must go. When the game was over I asked +Ward how much he had won over Dainty Dick, and at once there was a roar +of laughter. + +"He lost over three pounds," Dennison said + +"But how did he manage that?" I asked, for my knowledge of racing being +limited I did not understand how he could have backed the winner of +this race and yet lost money. + +"Why Dainty Dick started at three to one on, so he only won about +thirty shillings, and he lost a fiver backing The Philosopher. I +thought he had made a fortune by the way he was talking at dinner," +Dennison answered. + +For a moment Ward looked furious, and the exultant way in which +Dennison told me what had happened must have annoyed him tremendously. +I felt that Dennison with his seraphic smile was a much bigger idiot +than Ward, so I said, "Well, I can't see where the joke comes in, I +think it is thundering rough luck," which remark I considered rather +noble, for I did think that Ward had been scored off beautifully, only +Dennison gibing at him was such a sickening sight that I thought I +would put off the few words I meant having with him about Dainty Dick +until we were alone. + +After Bunny Langham had gone we began to discuss the freshers' wine, +but Jack Ward looked so down on his luck that I let him arrange what he +liked, though as Collier said to me afterwards, Ward only thought he +was deciding everything while Dennison really managed the whole affair +and simply twisted him round his fingers. + +"Dennison is as clever as a wagon load of monkeys," Collier complained, +"he looks like a baby and is as cunning as a Chinaman. I wonder how we +can put up with him." + +I wondered, too, and I should think everybody else, except Dennison +himself, found it difficult to explain his popularity. For he was +popular, and since no other reason occurs to me I expect the fact that +he was always ready to play the piano must have helped him, Lambert on +his banjo was enough to depress a crowd of Sunday-school children at +their annual treat, but Dennison played the kind of music which made +Collier, Ward and me, who were not exactly musical, feel that we could +sing quite well. At Cliborough I had established a record by being the +first boy who had tried to get into the school choir and failed, but +the man who made me sing "Ah, ah, ah," until I really could not go on +any longer had told me that I should have a voice some day. Perhaps he +said that out of kindness, but when Dennison played I always remembered +it, and forgot that when I sang in church people sitting in front of me +had been known to look round as if hymns were not made to be sung. + +If discussion beforehand helps to make an entertainment successful our +freshers' wine ought to have been a colossal success. For days the +thing seemed to pervade the air and I got horribly tired of it, though +Collier, who had been given rooms which compared with mine were +palatial, had more reason to be sick than I had. Collier had not only +a certain amount of space at his disposal but also a piano, and if +either of us had been any use at guessing we might have known that his +rooms would have been chosen. I may as well say now that if any one of +the freshers who had been invited had also possessed a little sense +Collier's rooms would not have been chosen, but the last thing we +thought of was a row, until we got into one, which is one of the +advantages of being a fresher. + +Dennison and Ward finally asked about fifteen men to the wine, and on +the appointed night we met in Collier's rooms. It was perhaps not so +great a privilege to receive an invitation as we thought it was, +because each man who accepted had to pay more than the thing was worth. +However, there was no doubt that it was well done, Ward had been to +Spinney's shop in the Turl and had benefited by Spinney's experience, +and Dennison with the assistance of Collier's scout, and in spite of +Collier's mild protests, had prepared the rooms in a way which made me +wonder where the owner of them was going to sleep. + +There was a tradition at St. Cuthbert's, and a tradition seems to me a +very dangerous possession unless carefully watched, that no wine was +complete without a large bowl of milk punch. Ward had been told this +by Spinney, who took what he called a fatherly interest in St. +Cuthbert's, though it must be an exorbitant kind of interest which +makes a man recommend a lot of freshers, or anybody else, to mix punch +with champagne and port. Spinney had also provided a terrific amount +of fruit and other things, and if Collier's room had only been big +enough to provide space for all of us and for what we were expected to +eat and drink, I think our wine at the start would have been a most +imposing display. As it was everybody thought it had been done well +except Collier, who told me to look in his bedroom. I looked without +seeing the bed, which was so piled up with superfluities that they +nearly touched the ceiling. + +"When this orgie is over," Collier said, "every one will have forgotten +that I have to go to bed to-night." + +"I will stay and help you," I answered, for I was in the mood when +anything seems to be possible. + +We went back into the "sitter," where everybody was already beginning +to eat and, I suppose, to enjoy themselves. There were not enough +chairs to go round, but there is always the floor, and a man who won't +sit on the floor when there is nothing else to sit upon is no use at an +Oxford wine. Some men even prefer the floor, but that usually happens +later on in the evening. Ward began the musical part of the +entertainment by singing "John Peel," his voice was admirable, because +it was loud without being very good, and nobody had the discomfort of +wondering whether they could sing well enough to join in the chorus. I +like a place where you can fairly bellow without hearing your own +voice. A man called Webb, who had a mole on his forehead and had been +at Cliborough with me, sang the next song, but it was a sentimental +thing, and had a chorus with some high notes in it, an unsuitable +choice which fell flat, and when it was over Webb sat down by me in +disgust, and helped himself lavishly to punch by way of consolation. I +told Webb that he had taken Lambert's seat, because Lambert for some +other reason had also been helping himself lavishly to punch, and had +become argumentative and almost quarrelsome. Webb, however, said that +he was not going to move, and when Lambert returned Dennison had to +play the piano very lustily to drown the discussion which took place. +Lambert was six feet two and angry, Webb was the same height and +obstinate, both of them had been drinking punch, and if Ward had not +intervened by asking Lambert to sing, I believe an unexpected item +would have formed part of our programme. Lambert sang, or rather tried +to sing, and broke down several times; no one minded and he received +tremendous encouragement to go on, but he fancied himself as a singer +and at last became very indignant and abusive. He was then given +champagne to soothe him, and sat on the floor with a very sad +expression, and his legs stretched out in front of him. Collier threw +a fig at him which he caught and threw back, hitting another man on the +cheek, figs began to fly about the room until Ward begged everybody not +to make a horrible rag before we had properly begun. Collier went +round on his hands and knees collecting figs and calling himself a fool +for spoiling his own carpet. Most people gave him a shove with their +feet when he came near them, which sent him on to his back and +prevented his collection from being a good one. + +Then Dennison began to play "The Gondoliers," which was the popular +comic opera of the day. Solos were dispensed with, and each chorus was +sung many times. The wine was evidently a huge success, the noise was +magnificent, and everybody was reasonably peaceful. No one noticed +that Lambert and Webb were now sitting side by side on the floor, +swearing eternal friendship and requiring champagne in which to pledge +each other, until Webb got hold of the idea that he was Leander trying +to swim the Hellespont, and Collier poured a jug of water over his head +so that he might make the scene more realistic. + +One or two men went quietly away, saying that it was getting late. The +music stopped for a moment, while Dennison walked about the room +seeking refreshment and finding very little. The noise subsided so +much that a knock was heard, and a scout poked his head into the room +and spoke to Dennison who was standing by the door. Every one asked +what he wanted, and Dennison assured us that it did not matter, which +we were all inclined to believe with the exception of Ward, who went to +the piano and began the National Anthem. It was the only tune he could +play, and he had to take infinite pains to get the right notes, so he +was forcibly removed, and Dennison installed in his place. "The +Gondoliers" and the noise began again, while Ward, protesting that it +was time we went away, was disregarded entirely. From sheer distaste +for punch and only a very limited taste for wine I had not been seeking +my enjoyment in drinking, but I had smoked far more than was good for +me, and my head felt as large as a pumpkin. It occurred to me, +however, that if Ward wished our entertainment to close he was sure to +be right, so I pulled over Dennison backwards from the piano. That +caused a very fair hubbub and did not do much good, since everybody +began to sing what they liked, without music. + +Ward went round persuading men to go, until Lambert, Webb, Collier, +Ward, Dennison and I were the only ones remaining. Collier was heavy +with sleep, but Lambert and Webb, who still sat on the floor with their +backs propped up against a sofa, were full of song. Dennison sulked in +a corner; he told me afterwards that I had hurt his head. Ward and I +by violent efforts got Lambert and Webb upon their legs and propped +them up against each other. They stood singing, "For he's a jolly good +fellow," and looking extraordinarily foolish. At last we got them to +the door and shoved them out, but unfortunately the Sub-Warden, who had +a habit of being in the wrong place, was standing outside the room, and +Lambert, who most certainly looked upon him as an old friend, put an +arm round him, and hurried him at break-neck speed down the stairs. +Webb followed, and when I got into the quadrangle he was on one side of +the Subby and Lambert on the other. + +They were persuading him to dance. I tried to seize Lambert, while +Ward went for Webb; but as I did so they suddenly released their man, +and instead of grabbing Lambert I got my arm entangled in the Subby's. +I let it go quickly, but he recognized me, and said something about a +disgraceful occurrence. It would have been giving Lambert and Webb +away to tell him that I was acting the part of rescuer, so I stood +looking at him, while Ward drove the other two men out of the +quadrangle. As he did not say anything I expressed a hope that he was +not hurt, but it was more from a wish to prove myself sober than from +any anxiety as to his condition that I made the remark. I thought he +understood this, for he neither answered nor wished me good-night when +he went back to his staircase. I was afraid he had been considerably +jolted and was not quite himself. I turned round after watching him +out of sight, and found Murray standing by my side. + +"You had better come to bed," he said, and his tone suggested that I +was incapable of looking after myself, so I told him that I was as +sober as a judge. + +"I waited up for you," he said. + +"To see if you could be of any use, I suppose," I asked ungraciously. + +"And when Lambert and Webb began to shout the back quad down, I came +out to see what had happened. What were you talking to the Subby +about?" + +"Our arms got interlocked," I replied, as we walked over to our +staircase. "The fact is the Subby ought to go to bed in decent time." + +"He could hardly be expected to sleep with a wine going on in the rooms +below him." + +"I forgot all about that." + +"And so apparently did everybody else who was there, though I should +have thought the scout would have warned Collier." + +"Dennison managed the whole thing, I said, and you can thank your stars +you can go to bed without the prospect of a row and a thundering +headache." + +Then I went into my room and sported my oak, for the rumblings of +Lambert and Webb could still be heard in the quadrangle. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +JACK WARD AND DENNISON + +The morning following the wine was no morning for me. Of course I +awoke with a headache, but that was nothing in comparison with a +general feeling that the day was not likely to be a peaceful one. I +lay awake and thought over matters as well as I could until Clarkson +came in to put my bath. Then I pretended to be asleep, but out of the +corner of my eye I saw him looking at me and I conceived a great +dislike for him. He seemed to think I was a curiosity of some kind. +He tidied my room, and having finished he asked if I should be taking +breakfast. I sat up in bed and inquired why he supposed I did not want +breakfast, and my question, I flatter myself, surprised him +considerably. I told him to get me twice as much breakfast as usual +and to be quick, but while I was dressing I wondered how I should eat +it, so I went into Murray's room and persuaded him to breakfast with +me. Murray had already begun to eat, but when I explained to him that +this was a little matter between Clarkson and myself, and that it would +not do for me to be scored off, he agreed to come. Clarkson, however, +was a difficult man to defeat; he provided enough breakfast for four +men, and though I bustled him as much as I could and was very +dictatorial, I could see that he was quietly amused. Murray ate for +all he was worth, but the amount of food which Clarkson carried away +for his hungry family was evidence enough to prove who had won the +battle. + +Conversation did not play any conspicuous part in that meal, but I told +Murray that if everybody at the wine had been as sensible as Ward we +should have got through without any row. "My opinion of Ward has +changed," I said more than once, for Murray was not inclined to give +him any credit and he certainly deserved some. + +At ten o'clock I went to a lecture, and when I returned I found a note +from the Sub-Warden asking me to call upon him at noon. It was +precisely what I expected, but the prospects of another row depressed +me. The morning was dark and rainy, and my room was so dismal that I +stood on the ledge outside my window and leant against the parapet. It +was neither a comfortable nor a very safe position, but it suited my +mood. I looked down on the back quadrangle below me and watched for +something interesting to happen. I had not been up long enough to know +that my wish was not likely to be gratified, nothing exciting ever does +happen in Oxford during the morning, or if it does I was always +unfortunate enough to miss it. + +A man in a scholar's gown hurried across the quadrangle, rushed up a +staircase, and came back with a note-book in his hand. The Warden came +out of his house and stood upon his doorstep as if he was trying to +remember what he wanted to do. Then he turned round and went into the +house again. Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, a lady who was +reported to be talkative and in love, came out and observed the +weather. Two minutes afterwards she appeared in a mackintosh, which +was thoroughly business-like. She was most obviously bent on shopping. +Two men, regardless of the rain, strolled out of the front quadrangle +and shouted for Dennison, who did not come to his window. I told them +that he was probably in bed, and they answered that I should fall over +if I did not look out. It was all most painfully dull, and I was just +going in when the Subby appeared and went into the Warden's house. I +could guess the reason for that visit, and waited to see no more. I +sat down by the fire and tried to think out what I should say to the +Subby, and what he would say to me. I did not know much about him +except that his name was Webster, and that he was a great authority on +Etruscan pottery, facts which did not help me much. He also had one of +the finest stamp collections in the world, but I had never collected +anything for more than a week at a time. I felt that he was a +difficult man to gauge, because he had never been what I considered a +sportsman. His appearance at any rate was not imposing, and I was +depressed enough to feel thankful for very small mercies. If dons only +remembered what men feel like after their first wine, they would +scarcely be hard-hearted enough to inflict further penalties upon them. +But it was the vocation of the Subby to keep order in the college, and +some one had told me that rowdy men were his pet abomination. He +regarded St. Cuthbert's as the intellectual centre of Oxford, and +Oxford as the intellectual centre of the world. No wonder the poor man +looked serious and seldom smiled, for he must have had a lot to think +about. He covered up his eyes with enormous spectacles, and the lower +part of his face with a straggling moustache and beard, you got neither +satisfaction nor information from looking at him. + +It was nearly twelve o'clock before I saw any of the men who had been +at the wine, and then Ward and Collier came into my rooms. I was still +sitting by the fire, and Ward, who would have gibed at my gloom under +ordinary conditions, simply told me that I didn't look very cheerful, +and sat down on the edge of the table, which tilted up and nearly +placed him on the floor. Collier threw himself into the nearest chair, +and pulling a pipe out of his pocket, carefully rubbed the bowl of it, +but showed no anxiety to smoke, and considering that I felt as if I +should never smoke again, I was not surprised. + +"I should like to flay Lambert, Webb, and Dennison alive," Collier said +quite solemnly. + +"I've got to go to the Subby in ten minutes," I said, and Collier's +face brightened. + +"I didn't think you would have to go," Ward remarked; "what an infernal +nuisance, and why has he sent for you?" + +"I tried to rescue the stupid man from Lambert and Webb, and got +entangled in his blessed arm. He was as sick as blazes, and I shall +hear more stuff about being an exhibitioner," I answered. + +"The man's a fool," Collier said, "but the biggest ass in the place is +Dennison. He knew the Subby was out to dinner, and wouldn't be back +till goodness knows when, but he must go on and kick up a row on that +piano after he knew the Subby was in his rooms. And the beauty of it +is that Dennison hasn't been sent for. I call it a confounded shame. +We have just been round to see him, and the brute is still in bed as +fit as anything, and thinks it the best joke he has heard for ages. He +wouldn't see much humour in it if he went and smelt my rooms." + +"Who has been sent for?" I asked. + +"You, Collier, Lambert, and Webb," Ward replied. + +"Not you?" + +"I have seen the Subby already. I met him in the quad and asked if I +might speak to him." + +"Was he furious?" I inquired. + +"I tried to explain things to him; he was not altogether furious, but +stuck on a sort of injured dignity business which was rather funny." + +"It isn't likely a man would want to be danced down-stairs by Lambert +and Webb," Collier said; "I wonder they didn't break his neck, and it +would have been a thundering good job if they had smashed themselves." + +I got up and seized my gown, leaving Collier to continue his wishes for +the destruction of Lambert and Webb if he felt inclined. At any other +time they would have amused me, for Collier was generally difficult to +move in any way, and he was quite funny when his indignation could be +roused. + +I am not going to describe my interview with the Subby at any length. +He listened patiently to what I had to say, but if a man came to me and +said that he had caught hold of me by accident I confess that I should +think it a poor sort of story. I could not tell him that I was trying +to save him from Lambert and Webb, because that would have been +contrary to what I should have expected them to say about me, if the +positions had been reversed. The Subby ought to have guessed it for +himself and rewarded me, but he had been so hustled that it was perhaps +too much to expect him to guess anything. My reputation for work +seemed to have been of the worst. There was no denying that the Subby +and I had been entangled, and it was no use for me to say that it was +his fault. I spoke of it as a very unfortunate occurrence, and I +assured him most warmly that it should not happen again. Assurances of +that kind do not, I should say, count for much. He was so occupied by +the importance of what had passed, that I could not make him see that +the future was also important. And I did try hard to point this out to +him, I regretted much, I promised more, and I meant everything I said +most honestly. I had never been so penitent before, but I must at the +same time admit that I had never previously felt quite so unwell. + +Perhaps my protestations had some effect, for my sentence was that I +should be gated for three weeks, and I received also what must, when +translated into simple English, have been a warning that unless I +changed the errors of my ways my exhibition would be taken away from +me. The Subby jawed badly, he was not to be compared with Mr. +Edwardes, and he hesitated and coughed, until once or twice I was +almost inclined to help him out, for I knew what he was going to say +and he fidgeted me. I was, however, in too great a hole to risk much, +so as soon as he began I remained silent and hoped steadily that he +would either end soon or be interrupted. He did not know how to begin +or when to finish, and if Collier had not knocked at the door and come +into the room, it seemed to me that nothing but the pangs of hunger +would have warned him that he had said enough. + +I have never seen a more welcome arrival than Collier's, because I had +really been with the Subby a very long time, and to stand with an +attentive expression for ten minutes at a stretch and listen to the +usual remarks is in its way quite a feat. I found Ward waiting for me +in the front quad, and he asked at once what had happened to me. + +"Gated for three weeks," I answered; "I suppose I ought to consider +myself lucky, he might have sent me down." + +"It knocks all your fun on the head," he said, "being in by nine +o'clock every night is average rot." + +"It won't matter to me, I am going to settle down and read for a first +in Mods," and I turned into the common room and picked up _The +Sportsman_. There were no other men in the room, and Ward stood in +front of the fire and kept looking at me as if he wanted to say +something and could not manage to begin. I read the names of the +'Varsity XV. chosen to play that afternoon against Richmond, and saw +that Foster was still among them. + +"Fred Foster's going to get his blue," I said. + +"Who the deuce wants to get a blue?" Ward replied. + +"Well, it's better than getting into rows, anyway," I retorted. + +"You seem to have taken this thing very quietly," he said, "don't you +see that your being dropped on is a most wretched swindle. Lambert and +Webb are only gated for three weeks." + +"It doesn't make a tuppenny-ha'penny bit of difference to me what has +happened to them. If they had been gated for two years it wouldn't +give me any satisfaction." + +"But they had been mixing all kinds of drink." + +"And the Subby thinks I had," I said. + +"But you hadn't." + +"No, but that doesn't make any difference. The Subby may be a fair +ass, but I caught hold of him, and I must be a bigger fool than he is. +It's the last time I ever try to rescue a don." + +Two senior men, Bagshaw and Crane came into the room and overheard my +last remark, so I had to tell them the whole thing over again. Both of +them laughed tremendously, but Crane, who was captain of the college +cricket eleven, and President of the Mohocks, which was the +inappropriate name of the St. Cuthbert's wine club, seemed to be more +amused at the solemn way I told the story, while Bagshaw said he would +have given anything to have seen the Subby rushing down-stairs. They +laughed loudly, and as soon as I could escape I went back to my rooms, +leaving Jack Ward to talk to them. + +For once I wanted to be by myself, but there was no shaking off Ward +that morning, and he turned up again in about ten minutes and said that +he had told his scout to bring his lunch round to my rooms. I had +struggled nobly with breakfast, but I hated the suggestion of more food +and told him he had better go and eat somewhere else. My head ached +abominably, and I wanted to sit by the fire and go to sleep. Ward, +however, decided that I wanted cheering up, though how he was likely to +enliven me by eating when I had no appetite he did not tell me. As a +matter of fact cheering me up was only an excuse, what he really wanted +to do was to give me the explanation which he thought I must be +expecting. If he had known me better he would not have expected me to +wait for anything, had I imagined any explanation was necessary I +should have asked him for it at once. But I was not taking any +interest in explanations, my mouth felt like a cinder, and when some +man had met me in the quad and told me I looked "precious cheap," which +is an expression I detest, I had not the energy to retaliate. + +Ward, having eaten his luncheon and gulped down a most horrible +quantity of beer, lit a cigarette, and sat down by the fire. + +"You must think me a most awful brute for having got out of this row," +he began. I told him that if he felt as I did, he would think +everybody in the world was a brute. + +"Well, you see," he went on, "I got the thing up and the Subby didn't +send for me." + +"It was Dennison's fault," I said, for I saw no good in dividing the +blame, "and if a man can't take his luck in these things he is no use +to anybody. My luck's always vile, but that doesn't matter to any one +except me, and I am used to it." + +He took no notice of what I said, and continued, "So I told the Subby +it was my fault, but when I saw him I thought only Collier, Webb and +Lambert had been nailed." + +I roused myself and looked at Ward, who was staring into the fire. + +"You are a fool," I stated, but I didn't mean it. + +"I had to do it or I should have felt awful," he said, and then he +jumped up and banged round the room, tossing things about and failing +to catch them. + +He stood in a new light, and it took me some time to digest what he had +told me. Of all the men I had met since coming to Oxford I should have +said that Jack Ward was the one who would watch his own interests most +closely, and he had upset all my opinions by walking into a quite +unnecessary row. + +"Why did you do it?" I asked him, and I added, "it isn't as if you +could do anybody else any good," for it is at first very perplexing to +find a man doing exactly the reverse of what you expect. + +"I have told you why I did it, I should have felt so confoundedly mean +if I hadn't. But while I was with the Subby I wish I had known that he +had nailed you as well, because I might have told him that you hate +drinking. A don seems to me to have the fixed idea that freshers +naturally drink too much, at least that was the impression the Subby +gave me." + +"What happened to you?" + +"I'm gated for a fortnight, and he talked a lot of tommy-rot." + +"Well, I think it is most frightfully decent of you," I said. + +"Oh, shut up," Ward answered, "I can't stand that. I have never done +anything of the kind before and shan't again. I simply couldn't have +faced you men if I hadn't owned up, and that ends it." + +At that moment Dennison walked in wearing an enormous overcoat and a +Wellingham scarf round his neck, he looked as beautifully pink as ever, +and I hated the sight of him. + +"This is such a blighted day that I am going to watch a footer match," +he said, "it amuses me to see thirty people tumbling about in the mud, +and we can go and play pool at Wright's when we have had enough, if you +will come." + +I did not intend to tell Dennison that I was ill, so I said I would go +if Ward would come with us, and as soon as we got into the Broad and +the rain fairly beat upon us, I began to feel much better and more +capable of being disagreeable to Dennison. I was in the state of mind +which makes one anxious to be unpleasant, the sort of mood in which +horrid people abuse servants or try to kick animals, and I was glad to +have Dennison, who deserved every rudeness imaginable, at my disposal. +But the worst of feeling so thoroughly disagreeable is that you are +ashamed of yourself so quickly. I am either violently angry or not +angry at all, and it is the people who are good at sulks and call them +dignity who get their own way in this world. I once tried to be +dignified at home, and I am not inclined to repeat the experiment; my +father told me not to be a fool, my sister walked about as if wrestling +with suppressed laughter, and my mother offered me various medicines. +Rudeness is my _role_, its intention is not so easily mistaken. + +So I hung on to Dennison very earnestly, and though Ward did all he +knew to keep the peace, I had managed before we reached the Parks, to +convince both of them that our walk was a mistake. + +We went to the far end of the ground where very few spectators were +standing, for an Oxford crowd always collect behind the goal of the +visiting side, hoping magnificently that by those means they will see +most of the game. It is very noble of them, but they are sometimes +disappointed, and this happened to be one of the days on which those +who were behind the 'Varsity goal-posts saw a good deal more than they +wanted. For the day was made for the Richmond XV., who were big, bulky +men, very heavy in the scrimmage, and the three-quarter backs on both +sides spent most of their time trying to keep warm. Dennison said he +was bored to death, and I told him Richmond never were any good outside +the scrum and were playing a jolly good game. He answered that he was +not a Football Encyclopaedia, and I assured him that he never could be +anything half so useful. We kept up this kind of conversation for some +time, while Ward stamped his feet and asked us to stop. + +"How long have you been gated for?" I asked Dennison suddenly, +springing the question upon him as had been the habit of one master at +Cliborough when he was going to ask me something very embarrassing. +Ward hit me in the ribs with his elbow, and Dennison pretended not to +hear, so I moved a little further from Ward and repeated my question. +"The Subby didn't send for me," he replied; "I wasn't caught and I made +no row to speak of." + +"Oh well, if you like to get out of the whole thing it has nothing to +do with me," I said, and the thought suddenly struck me that if I +really goaded Dennison into giving up his name I should feel a brute +for the rest of my existence. What I wanted to do was to prove that +Ward was worth about ten of him, but it is very uphill work trying to +convince a man that he is only a fraction of the fellow he thinks +himself, I have often seen people going sorrowfully away from tasks of +that kind. + +"There is no question of getting out of it," Dennison said quite +calmly, "because I have never been in it." + +"No question at all," Ward put in. + +"At any rate you arranged it," I retorted. + +"And the very deuce of a job it was," he replied. + +"Of course it was," Ward said, and though I imagined I was out of +elbow-shot I got another blow which did nothing to improve my temper. + +"It's like this," I began, "Ward went to the Subby and said----" But +Ward burst in with, "By Jove, that is about the tenth time that man +Foster has fallen on the ball, and now I believe he's hurt." + +For quite two minutes Fred lay on the ground, and I forgot all about +Dennison and the exasperating mood I was in. At last he got up and +moved about in a dazed condition, while some people clapped and others, +more enthusiastic than anxious, began to shout, "Now then, 'Varsity." +The game went on again, but my desire to be nasty had vanished, and I +found that I had moved away from Ward and Dennison. When I returned to +them I found that my interrupted remark had created a greater +disturbance than I had expected. Dennison was fuming like anything, +and so far was he from thinking that Ward and I had a grievance against +him that he was treating himself as a thoroughly injured man. + +"It is a pretty low down game," he was saying to Ward, when I came +back, "for you to go and give your name up to the Subby and tell me +nothing about it. What do you think everybody will be saying about me? +Marten has been talking to me as if I was a pick-pocket, while you were +standing there and thinking yourself a sort of tin hero. If you want +to know what I think you are, my opinion is that you're a confounded +fool, but since you have done this I must go and see the Subby when I +get back to college." + +This is only an expurgated copy of what Dennison said, as a matter of +fact he called Ward and me much worse names than a pick-pocket, and +qualified them with adjectives too violent to be recorded. + +I looked blankly at Ward, who had his head down and looked thoroughly +ashamed of himself. + +"It is one of the few times in my life," he said, "when I have tried to +do the right thing, and it seems to have been all wrong." + +There was only one line to take, and I started on it at once. "That's +rot," I began, "because you suggested the whole thing, and if you felt +like owning up to it no one else has any right to swear at you. +Dennison is altogether different, and if he goes to the Subby everybody +else will have to go. We are like a lot of school-boys." + +I thought my last remark a sound one, for Dennison pretended to despise +boys, because he said they always got up so late for morning school +that they had not time to wash properly. There was always a faint +smell of scent about Dennison, which did not make me take much notice +of his opinion about school-boys. + +I cannot even now tell whether he was really angry or whether he was +just pretending a rage to put us into a hole. I did find out +afterwards that he knew all the time that Ward had given up his name, +so if he pretended one thing I do not see why he should not have +pretended another. But the result was the same whether he was shamming +or not. Ward and I implored him not to go to the Subby, for quite ten +minutes during that damp and shivery afternoon we besought him to leave +things as they were. And at last with great reluctance he gave way, +and to please us he said that he would forgive Ward for having done +rather a mean thing, and he pardoned me for having been so rude. Of +course we were most properly taken in, but that was the fate of most +men who had much to do with Dennison, and I was so glad to be at peace +once more that it did not occur to me then that Ward and I were two +colossal idiots. + +I went round to see Foster after the match, but found that he was going +to dine early with the Richmond team, so he did not tell me anything +except that he had got a splitting headache. Each time I had been to +see him for the last fortnight he had either been out, just going out, +or had a room full of men with him. Whenever he had come to see me the +same kind of things had happened, so we had not managed to have one +respectable talk together. I determined that this was most +unsatisfactory, so after dinner I wrote him a note, asking him to go +for a walk with me on the following day, and then I went to see Jack +Ward. My opinion of him had been changing all day, and as I went to +his room I felt that whatever Foster and Murray said about him, he was +at bottom a splendid sort. Roulette was going on in his rooms, and the +usual crowd were playing. Ward was banker, and he did not even ask me +to play, but roulette is a very difficult game to watch without +playing, and after black had come up six times consecutively, I thought +it must be red's turn. It was not, however, and five times I lost my +money; then I had sense enough to stop for a bit until the numbers +began to fascinate me, and I picked nineteen, being my age. A lot of +people may say I was old enough to know better, but it is so easy to +make remarks of that kind, and until they find something a little less +stale, they will never do any good. I stood by the table at first, and +then sat down and made up my mind to get my money back. I tried +everything in turn, but luck was dead against me, and Ward once or +twice said he wished I would win something. In the end I lost nearly +six pounds, and went back to my rooms a sorrowful man. Before I went +into my bedder I looked at my cheque-book, and it gave me no +satisfaction. I had borrowed four pounds from Ward, and I wrote him a +cheque for the amount, and laying it on the table beside me, I sat +thinking. My door was wide open, and I must have been nearly asleep, +for I did not see any one come into my room, and a hand falling on my +shoulder surprised me. I looked up and saw Ward standing by my side. + +"Sorry to wake you up," he said, "but I felt like coming to see you." +He saw the cheque made out to him, and taking it from the table he tore +it into bits. + +"You have wasted a penny," I said, for I could not help guessing what +he meant. + +"I don't want to take your money," he replied, "and for heaven's sake +don't make me." + +He was most desperately in earnest, but the mere fact that I should +have taken his without a thought of returning it, settled the little +argument which followed. + +"I can't help gambling," he said, "but I wish to goodness you wouldn't." + +"But only a few days ago you sneered at me for not backing a horse," I +retorted, for though it was very good of him, I felt he was treating me +like an infant. + +"I never asked you to," he said, "and I should like to have one friend +who doesn't bet or play cards or anything." + +"There's Collier," I suggested. + +"He is different," Ward answered, and I suppose I wanted him to say +something like that. + +We talked for an hour, at least Ward talked and I listened, but during +the years to come I always remembered what he said about himself on +that night. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE INN AT SAMPFORD + +I do not suppose that my waking thoughts could be called valuable, for +my habit is to lie in bed and wonder vaguely what time it is, and if +you start the day in that way and write it solemnly on paper you may +just as well keep a diary of what you had for luncheon and where you +had tea and all that kind of twaddle, which people write because +blotting paper is provided on the opposite page. But on the morning +following my conversation with Ward I woke up with the sort of feeling +which ought to have been of value to some one, because it was such a +mixture that I could not stay in bed. It was the kind of sensation +with which I wake when I am going to cross the Channel, only it did not +make me rush to my window to see how much wind there was. Nothing I +have been told is easier in this life than to make a mountain out of a +molehill, but in my short experience it is the wretched little +molehills which upset me and not the great big things which sweep me +away with them. I would rather have to fight one mountain than two +molehills any day, you get so much more sympathy after the struggle. +But I must admit that it is not always easy to tell when people will +sympathize with you, for I remember that my brother was once in a +railway accident, and though he got nothing more than a slight jolt he +was considered a hero for a long time, while, a few days later, I sat +upon a pin and hurt myself quite badly, but was told by my nurse not to +be silly. + +During that morning I had a most disagreeable experience. For the +first time in my life I was conscious that I had done something for +which there was not the least shadow of an excuse, and I found myself +trying to guess what my feelings would have been had I been a winner +instead of a loser at roulette. There is nothing very profitable in +trying to imagine what would have happened if things had turned out +differently, at the best it is a waste of time, but all the same it is +a game which I, and others I know, play very often. I came to the +conclusion that had I won I should have been rather pleased with +myself, it is so easy to excuse oneself for winning money, while losing +it seems to be foolishly immoral. I made no resolutions for the +future, because on the few occasions I have tried to fortify myself in +that way, something has occurred to upset me, and Mr. Sandyman, who was +my housemaster at Cliborough and very wise, told me once that the +weaker the man the more frequent his resolutions. He did not believe +so much in pledges and promises as in a boy's honour; if a boy had not +a sense of honour no promise on earth could be of any real use to him. + +I wished that I had Mr. Sandyman to advise me, but if I had been able +to go to him I do not suppose I should have gone, for although I was +ashamed of myself, I did not think that I had committed any great +offence. I had just been a fool, and with that decision from which, +odd as it may seem, I derived great satisfaction, I passed on to the +next thing which was bothering me. + +I think it was Solomon who said there was safety in a multitude of +counsellors, and I wonder what he would have said about a multitude of +friends, some of whom could not bear the sight of the others. Ward, +hated Murray, and Foster hated Ward, Collier said he hated Dennison, +and Dennison said Collier looked more like a pig than a human being. +Lambert confided to me that there was hardly a man at St. Cuthbert's +whom he would care to introduce to his sister, but as he said the same +thing to Ward, Dennison and Collier, leaving each of them with the +impression that he was the one man who was considered worthy of an +introduction, it was no use to take any notice of Lambert. I condoled +with him on having such a remarkably exclusive sister, but he did not +take my sympathy in the proper spirit. + +My friends were most certainly getting out of hand. In St. Cuthbert's, +Murray was the most sensible of the lot, because he enjoyed himself in +a steady sort of way, saw the humorous side of everything and went to +bed in decent time. I knew just where I was with Murray, he was always +glad to see me in his rooms, and he kept his opinions about Ward and +Dennison to himself, unless I simply pumped them out of him. No one +who did not object to fat men because they were fat could help liking +Collier, he was so comfortable and peaceful, and Lambert, with his +magnificent opinion of himself, which he expressed frequently in a +half-comical, half-serious fashion, was to me more like a man on the +stage than an ordinary undergraduate. From morning to night Lambert +was self-conscious, even at the wine, when he was sitting on the floor +with Webb, he did not forget to shoot down his cuffs. I have already +said that Dennison played the piano, he was also considered a wit, and +fired off things which Lambert said were epigrams, but Collier, who was +full of curious information, declared that most of them were adapted +from the Book of Proverbs. However that may be, Dennison had a +reputation as a conversationalist, which meant that he wanted to talk +all the time. He bored me terribly. + +But the man who really worried me was Ward. At first I had thought +that he merely wanted to amuse himself, and did not care what he did as +long as he got some fun out of it. He did not seem to trouble what men +he knew if they were useful to him, and having come to that conclusion +about him, I felt that as far as he and I were concerned there was +nothing else to bother about. It was not any wonder to me that Foster, +who only knew him slightly, disliked him most vigorously, but when Ward +came, asking me to take my money back and showing all the best side of +his nature, he gave me more to think about than I wanted. An entirely +different man had appeared, acknowledging himself a gambler, and not +pretending to be sorry--for which I liked him--but with qualities which +I had never suspected. + +So occupied was I in wondering how I could persuade Foster to change +his opinion of Ward that I forgot the day was Sunday, and that I had +intended to go to morning chapel and write some letters at the Union. +It was nearly twelve o'clock when Foster came into my rooms and said he +had been waiting for me at Oriel until he was tired of doing nothing. +He seemed to be rather angry, but soon cooled down when he saw me +hurrying up to get ready, and even proposed that we should give up our +walk and just lounge round the Parks. But I did not feel as if +lounging would do for me, and I told him that I knew a splendid little +inn about six miles off, where we could get luncheon. He did not need +much persuasion, and we went down Brasenose lane and the High as if we +had never lounged in our lives. But before we got to the turning to +Iffley we had begun to walk at a speed which did not altogether prevent +conversation. + +I think I must have been setting the pace, because I had a great deal +to say to Fred, and did not know exactly how to begin. He was the +greatest friend I had, and I wanted him to like Ward, but I knew that +when once he had made up his mind about people he very seldom changed +it. He had liked nearly everybody at Cliborough, but when he disliked +anybody there was something rather huge in the way he had nothing to do +with them. And he had a habit, which would have annoyed me in any one +else, of being nearly always right. It was such a complete change for +him to come from Cliborough, where he was easily the most important boy +in the school, to Oxford, where he was practically nobody at all, that +I wondered how he would like it. So many freshers who have been +important at school think they can bring their importance with them, +but they make the very greatest mistake. A fresher who thinks a lot of +himself, and lets other men know that he does, is not likely to do +anything but get in his own way. Foster never had put on any side, but +he had been accustomed to manage things at Cliborough, and I asked him +how he liked being nobody again, as he had been when he first went to +school. + +He did not answer me at once, and I had a suspicion that he did not +care about the change, but I was wrong. + +"I like it," he said at last; "there is no bother and fuss, and I like +beginning again and being sworn at when I miss the ball. I want to get +my blue most awfully, but I don't suppose I have got the ghost of a +chance; I never pass at the right time, and everybody here seems to me +to be always off-side." + +I assured him that he must have a chance for his blue or he would not +have played so often. + +"They look more and more sick with me every time," he answered, "and +each match I play in I expect to be the last. The only thing which +riles me is that you never know what they think about you, and the +fellow who writes the Oxford notes for _The Globe_ said last week that +the 'Varsity XV. must be badly off if they could not find a better +three-quarter than the Cliborough fresher, or some rot of that kind. +All the men at Oriel who know about things are either cricket or soccer +blues, so I don't hear much about rugger there, though every one is +nice enough and wants me to get into the XV." + +"Doesn't Adamson ever speak to you?" I asked, for he was captain of the +'Varsity XV. + +"Yes, but it is generally to tell me not to do something. He is an +'internatter,' you see, and I don't think he ever forgets it, he seems +to me to stick on more side than any one I have ever met. Most of the +men are all right, but Adamson is a first-class bounder." + +"He swore at me pretty freely in the Freshers' match," I said. + +"I heard him," Foster returned, "but although you played abominably +then, you are really much better than Sykes of Merton, who has been +playing back for the 'Varsity lately. He does the most awful things." + +"He can't be worse than I am. I now play three-quarters and am +thinking of chucking the game altogether. It is such a horrid grind." + +"Don't be an idiot, they are bound to spot you here sooner or later," +Foster said, but he knew as well as I did that I could never stop +playing any game just because it was too much trouble. + +"I have made an idiot of myself, already," I replied; and then I told +him all that had been happening at St. Cuthbert's during the last few +days. I made out myself a bigger fool than I really had been, because +I wanted to show him that Ward was a much better fellow than he thought. + +"You have a real gift for getting into rows," he said, when I had +finished; "you seem to have got all the dons on your track already." + +"That doesn't worry me," I answered. "I have only got to work and keep +quiet, and the Subby will think I am as like a machine as he is." + +"And you have made up your mind to work?" + +"I mean to do a reasonable amount," I replied cautiously. + +"It is most awfully difficult to work. I have done precious little, +and I went fast asleep at a lecture the other morning." + +"What was it about?" + +"Logic." + +"Oh, that's nothing," I assured him. "I started cutting my logic +lectures altogether until I got dropped on. I didn't understand a word +the man was saying. There is heaps of time to work, Mods are nearly a +year and a half off. What do you think of Ward, after the thing that +happened last night?" + +I had to plunge right at it, for Foster had not said a word after I had +told him Ward wanted to give me back my money. + +"Don't let us talk about Ward," Foster answered, "you know I don't like +him." + +"I knew you didn't like him," I corrected, for I thought that what I +had said ought to make a difference. + +"You seem to be egging me on to swear at you, so that you may laugh." + +"Oh, skittles," I exclaimed. + +"You know perfectly well that you can't afford to gamble." + +"That has nothing to do with it, because I am not going to gamble, Jack +Ward himself asked me not to play roulette." + +"But Ward belongs to a gambling set----" + +"I suppose he can please himself about that," I retorted, and it was +not altogether wise of me. + +"And you will always be hearing racing 'shop,' and how much somebody +won, nobody ever talks about their losses until they are stone-broke." + +"How do you know?" I asked. + +"Your father told me," was the answer, and instead of having got him +into a hole I was badly scored off. + +"Everybody has something nasty in him somewhere, Balzac said so, and he +was the sort of chap who knew; if we were all perfect this wouldn't be +earth," I said. + +"By Jove, you have been thinking a lot," Foster replied, and he stood +still in the road and laughed until I was very annoyed, for I have +heard other people make remarks of that kind without any one else +smiling. + +"It is no use talking seriously to you," I said. + +"Platitudes are not your line," he answered, and we were as far off +settling about Ward as ever. I returned, however, to the main question +with energy, for it seemed to me to be most important that these two +men should not hate each other, if they were to be my friends. The +gods did not endow me with tact, but they gave me so much courage that +in a short time I can make any situation either very much better or +very much worse. My mother once took in a paper which contained a Tact +Problem every week, and she asked my sister and me to write down +solutions and see if they were right; mine were wrong five times +consecutively, so I gave up that competition, though in a negative sort +of way I should have been of assistance to any competitor. I remember +one of these wonderful problems was, 'At an evening party A tells B +that C looks like a criminal. Shortly afterwards A finds out that C is +B's husband, what ought A to do?' I said A ought to go and tell B that +he liked criminals; but the answer was, 'A should do nothing.' I think +it was that problem which persuaded me that I was wasting my time, I +thought it too stupid for words. + +I explained to Foster how difficult it would be for me if he would not +change his opinion of Ward, and I talked so much that he said I had +persuaded him that Ward was all right, but I had a kind of feeling that +he said it for the sake of peace. The day was very warm for November, +and at the end of six miles Foster was not so inclined to resist my +avalanche of words as he was when we left Oxford. But I knew that +having once said he would try to be friends with Ward, I could rely +upon him. What he could not understand was the reason why I was so +anxious for him to try, why in short I liked Ward, but I could not +explain that; for if you once start explaining why you are friends with +a man it seems to me to be half-way towards making excuses for +yourself, and should you begin doing that you had better not have any +friends, since those who know you the best will like you the least. I +have a faculty for liking a large number of people, but if I had to +give reasons why I liked most of them I should be terribly puzzled. +You cannot, it seems to me, reduce friendship to a formula, or if you +can you would knock all the fun out of it. + +This was my second visit to the little inn at Sampford, and as soon as +we got there I interviewed the landlord and engaged the sitting-room on +the ground floor. Foster threw himself upon the sofa and picked up the +book in which visitors write their names and exercise their humour, but +I was so hot that I opened the French windows which led into the garden +and went out. Only a fortnight before the garden had been full enough +of flowers to satisfy me, but the wind and rain had beaten down +everything, and in spite of the sun it looked bare and desolate. I +walked across the lawn to a little arbour and surprised two belated +beanfeasters and their ladies. In appearance the men were aggressive, +their hats were on the backs of their heads, and enormous +chrysanthemums bulged from their buttonholes, and must, I should think, +have been a source of constant irritation to their chins. The girls +giggled when they saw me, and one of the men asked me what I wanted. I +told him I was looking for a comfortable place in which to sit down and +that he seemed to have found it first. The girls giggled again and the +men swore; it was a most commonplace scene. I went back across the +lawn and was just going to join Foster, when I heard a tremendous burst +of laughter from the room above ours. There was only one man who could +laugh like that and he was Jack Ward. At that moment I wished him +anywhere, for I guessed quite rightly that he had driven over to +Sampford with some men whose luncheon would not consist of cold beef +and beer. + +I hoped to goodness we should get away without Foster seeing them, so I +began to eat without saying anything, except that there was a most vile +noise up-stairs. I need not have troubled to say so much since Foster +was not deaf. I ate my luncheon hurriedly and gulped down my beer so +fast that something went wrong with my wind-pipe. To the accompaniment +of my coughs and peals of laughter from the room above, Fred sat eating +with a comical expression of misery upon his face. + +"Rowdy brutes," he said, and pointed to the ceiling. + +I tried to answer, but failed. + +"I should think they will get kicked out in a minute," he continued. +"Aren't you going to have any pickles?" + +"The room's so horribly stuffy," I managed to say; "I vote we go when +you are ready." + +"We've only just come. I haven't nearly done yet, and I am going to +have a smoke when I've finished." + +I resigned myself to the situation and seized the pickles; there was +only one left and that was an onion. The noise increased and a huge +piece of bread fell on the lawn in front of our window. + +"Bloods always throw bread at each other, don't they?" he asked. + +"I don't suppose they are any worse than anybody else," I answered; +"there is not much harm in a bread pellet." + +"That thing out there is half a loaf," he returned, "and at any rate +they make a fairly bad row," which were statements I could not deny. + +We heard a man go heavily up-stairs and knock at the door. He was +received with clamorous approval, but after a little conversation the +noise ceased and there was a most refreshing calm. I had hopes that +nothing more was going to happen, so I sat down by the fire and lit a +cigarette. For ten minutes Fred and I were not interrupted, but I had +already recognized the voices of Bunny Langham and Dennison, and I +might have guessed that there was not likely to be much peace. Our +windows were wide open, and presently I began to hear a kind of choked +laughter going on at the window above. What was happening I did not +know, but I suspected that some fresh game had begun and I wanted very +much to know what it was. I did not, however, wish them to see me nor +was I anxious for Fred to see them, so I suggested that we should start +back to Oxford. Fred agreed to this, and getting up from his chair he +walked out into the garden. No sooner was he on the lawn than I saw +him jump like a hare and put his hand up to his neck. At the same +moment the beanfeasters rushed out of their arbour and fairly went for +him. While this happened I was standing at the window wondering how I +could persuade him to come back into the room, but as soon as I saw +these two aggressive-looking men, not to mention their ladies, talking +to him in most bellicose language, I went out. One of them at once +caught hold of me by the coat and spoke so fast and strangely that I +did not altogether understand what he was saying. He mentioned the +name of Susan a great many times, and when he had finished tugging at +my coat I asked him if there was anything the matter with the lady. + +"Look at 'er," he said; "just look at 'er. I'm a respectable married +man, married, last Thursday as ever was, and I'll 'ave compensation for +this as sure as my name's Tom 'Arrison." + +I did not want to hear any more of his autobiography, so I looked at +the lady pointed out as Susan. I couldn't see much of her face because +she had her hand over it, but I did not think they were an ill-assorted +couple. + +"Has she been stung by a wasp?" I asked. "A blue-bag----" + +"Look 'ere," the man interrupted and caught me again by the coat, "none +of your bloomin' innocence. You spied us out in that 'ere arbour, and +'ave been peppering us with peas for the last ever so long, and one of +you 'as 'it Susan sock in the eye. Enough to make 'er an object for a +fortnight, and us newly married. Where, I should like to know, do I +come in?" and I had great difficulty in wriggling his hand away from my +coat. The man made me angry, and I told him I hadn't the least notion +where he came in, but if he thought we were big enough babies to use +peashooters he was jolly well mistaken. I looked round at Foster and +found that he was being talked at by the remaining couple, who also +looked as if they were newly married. I heard the word Bella, and saw +the lady so called endeavouring to draw Foster's attention to a mark on +her arm. Susan stood in the middle of the lawn and wept; I felt quite +sorry for her, but the other three were really an intolerable nuisance. +Tom Harrison declared it was worth two pounds any day, that Susan's +beauty was spoilt, and that everybody would say they had been fighting +already. I smiled when he said "already," and for a moment I thought +he was going to hit me. He thought better of it, however, and I +concluded that if he had intended to fight he would have begun then, so +I turned my back upon him and looked at the window up-stairs. There +was not a sound coming from the room, and as I turned again to attend +to Harrison I heard hoots of laughter, and a dog-cart passed along the +road which skirted the garden. As it went by I saw Jack Ward stand up +on the back of the cart and look over the hedge. When he saw what was +happening he leant forward to speak to Bunny Langham, who was driving, +and as they passed out of sight I thought that he was trying to get +hold of the reins. + +The men went on talking; Susan wept steadily, and Bella said her arm +was visibly swelling, and that she must have been hit by something far +more dangerous than a pea. They were not by any means interesting and +I was glad to see the landlord coming from the house to join us. He +created the diversion of which we were badly in need, and Tom Harrison +became more eloquent than ever. But the landlord, as soon as he could +make himself heard, was most thoroughly on the side of peace; he +flourished his arms and declared, until I was weary, that a mistake had +been made. "These are not the gentlemen who shot at you. Do they look +like gentlemen who would use pea-shooters?" I did not know what a man +ought to look like who would not use a peashooter, but I did my best. + +"These are two nice quiet gentlemen," he went on; "took their food +quite quiet." + +"And haven't paid for it yet," I interrupted; "how much is it?" + +"That will be a matter of half-a-crown each," he said, and I paid him. + +In the meantime Bella, who ought to have been watched, had walked into +our sitting-room and found the visitors' book. She returned +triumphantly. "I know one of their names, and that will be a deal more +use than standing jawing here," she shouted. + +I looked at Foster inquiringly. "I bought a blessed fountain pen +yesterday and wanted to see if the thing would work," he explained; "it +seems to have worked too well." + +"'F. L. Foster, Oriel College, Oxford,' in writing as easy to read as +the newspaper. Which of you two is it that writes just like me?" + +Foster solemnly took off his hat. + +"Then you, I guess, will 'ear more of this," Tom Harrison declared; +"for the tale that it ain't you is a little too 'ot for us, isn't it?" + +Susan stopped wiping her eyes and joined in a chorus of assent. + +"I don't know what you expect to get," Foster said. + +"You needn't bother about that. We know," Tom Harrison replied. + +After a little more conversation we started on our way back to Oxford, +and as we left the garden I heard Tom Harrison say, "Two beers and two +bottles of stout as quick as we can 'ave em; my throat's like a +limekiln." And considering the amount he had said at the top of his +voice, I should think it was very likely true. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN + +Our walk was certainly not a success, in fact I was very sick of it +before we reached Oxford, because I am no good at walking and cannot +stride along at a steady pace. And it also involved me in what, if +real diplomatists will pardon me, I will call diplomacy, in which art +or craft, or whatever the right name of it may be, I am most unskilled. +I was on the point of telling Fred that I knew the party of peashooters +when he, being in a much happier state of mind than he had been in the +morning, began to talk about Jack Ward, and to say that I was very +likely right about him, and that he was sure to be a nice kind of man +when one got to know him. Hearing this made me put off what I was +going to say, and when I begin to postpone anything I am lost. Second +thoughts with me nearly always lead to trouble, however good they may +be for other people. I think I must have taken a fatherly interest in +Ward, for what else it could have been which made me wish to shield him +I do not know. But I had seen him stand up in the dog-cart, and I +thought he had recognized me and had tried to make Langham turn back, +so I determined not to tell Fred anything until I had found out what +really happened. But I felt very uncomfortable, for I do hate keeping +things dark, and when he went on to say that the pea-shooting people +must have been unutterable bounders to go away and leave us in the +lurch, I was again on the point of telling him that Ward was one of +them, only he suddenly began to sing, which gave me time to think, and +frightened two children who came round a corner of the road. We were +quite close to Broadmoor lunatic asylum at that moment, and Fred +walking along with his hat in his hand might easily have been mistaken +for some one else. His mood had become most cheerful, and he said that +he did not suppose Tom Harrison would ever be heard of again, and that +the whole thing had been rather fun; but he added that he should like +to tell the men who had been in the room above us what he thought of +them. He also told me that he had never known me so quiet, and when I +continued to be silent he asked me if I was well, which annoyed me, for +I am often asked that question when I do not happen to be talking, and +in a lurking sort of way there seems to me to be something insulting +about it. I answered that I was thinking, which was quite true, but he +only laughed and said I must have changed a lot lately. I was quite +tired of him before we separated in the High, and he was angry because +I would not go to Oriel and have tea, but I felt that the day so far +had been a hopeless failure, and I wanted to see Jack Ward. + +When I got back to my rooms at St. Cuthbert's my fire was nearly out +and I saw two notes lying on the table, but could not find any matches +to light my lamp. I felt more gloomy than ever, and I was already +feeling as if I had treated Fred most unfairly. I might say that my +end was all right, or I might declare that I meant well, which is +another way of saying that I was a fool, and of the two I think the +latter is the more correct. + +Murray had borrowed my matches and I spoke severely to him without +producing any effect except amusement; whether I was thinking or angry +the result seemed to be always the same--laughter, silly, idiotic +chuckles. I was in a very fair rage before I got my lamp to light, and +I upset a large box of matches on the floor. Murray came and helped to +pick them up, and he bumped my nose with his head. I felt sure that it +was his fault and told him so, and he said I could jolly well pick up +my own matches; so I apologized, for though my nose hurt there were a +lot of matches still on the floor, and it was no use making my nose out +worse than it was to spite my face. + +After that I read my notes, and they were not the usual invitations to +breakfast, of which I had already received enough. The first was to +ask me to play for the twenty against the Rugger XV. in the Parks on +the following Tuesday, and the second was from Miss Davenport to ask me +to luncheon with the Warden on the same day. These notes were more or +less commands, but I neither felt very keen on playing for the XX. nor +on lunching with the Warden. + +"I shall be glad when Tuesday is over," I said to Murray; "I have to +lunch with the Warden." + +"I lunched there last Tuesday," he returned. + +"What was it like?" + +"Like no meal I have ever been at before. Miss Davenport talked all +the time and the Warden said precious little, but I was too afraid to +listen to her for fear he might ask me something and I should not catch +what he said. Apart from saying 'yes' and 'no' and 'please' and 'thank +you,' he only spoke once, and then it was the most extraordinarily long +sentence I have ever heard. It began about pork, which Miss Davenport +said was more wholesome than people imagined, it went on about the +Jews, and finished up with a tale about Nero. He chuckled over his +tale, but I didn't see much point in it, and Miss Davenport looked as +if she had heard it before." + +"I know that tale, it's a chestnut; I can't remember it, but Nero +behaved like a beast to a lot of Jews who came to see him in Rome. The +Warden oughtn't to tell old tales and then chuckle over them; besides, +Nero was a brute." + +"I don't think that would make any difference to the Warden. He +terrifies me; I daren't say anything because I am sure he would +remember that it was a stupid thing to say. I felt as if I was a +convict, and that if I spoke I should give myself away. I can tell you +it was something awful, and for all I know he may have expected me to +say something." + +"Probably not," I replied; "I should think he hears far too many people +jawing. I hope he makes me feel like a convict, and then I shall +behave myself all right, but a silence at a meal gives me fits." + +"Miss Davenport is never silent," Murray asserted. "If she can talk +about pork, you may guess she has plenty to say. The Warden looks at +her in a forgiving sort of way--as if he knows she is talking rot, but +can't help herself." + +"They must be a funny pair. You don't think I shall laugh, do you?" I +asked. + +"I didn't feel like laughing. I never thought of it in that way, but +it couldn't strike you as being funny while you are there." + +"I don't know," I said; "I think I had better be ill on Tuesday." But +then I remembered I had got to play footer, and I chucked the card over +to Murray. + +"I've got to play in this thing, too. The Warden kicks you out about +two, so it will be all right. You simply must go. Where have you been +to this afternoon?" + +"I walked to Sampford with Foster, and we had a row there with two men, +not much of a row. I must go and see Ward." I jumped up, but the +chapel bell began to ring, and I had to postpone seeing him. + +"I am all behind with my chapels and roll-calls," I said to Murray; +"this will be my twenty-first, and five weeks of the term have gone." + +"I kept six chapels last week," Murray answered; "you will have to go +hard to keep nineteen in three weeks." + +"I mean doing it and getting up very early in the morning. I am going +to reform," and I left him at the chapel door, for he, being a scholar, +sat in the seats behind all of us who were commoners or exhibitioners. + +After chapel, at which the Regius Professor of Divinity preached and +told us that Sunday luncheon parties were very wrong, I seized Ward and +bore him off to his rooms, where we found Dennison sitting by the fire +with his legs stuck up on the mantelpiece. I wanted to see Ward alone, +but Dennison had been at Sampford, so he did not matter much, though +Ward with Dennison never seemed to be quite the same as he was without +him. + +Dennison twisted round in his chair, and as soon as he saw me he began +to talk. "You ought to have been with us this afternoon," he said, "we +had a most lovely rag. Bunny Langham took us over to Sampford in his +cart, and I had a peashooter." + +The loveliness of the rag was too much for him, and he had to stop his +account of it so that he might laugh. I looked at Ward, and although +he did not appear to be very amused, he showed no signs of knowing that +Foster and I had been at Sampford. + +"After lunch," Dennison went on, "I discovered some people in an +arbour, the bill and coo business, and I fairly peppered them; I am no +end of a shot with a peashooter." + +"You missed them about a dozen times," Ward put in. + +"Those were sighting shots, you must get your range, and they were +about as far off as my shooter will carry; but I got them out of the +place at last, and another fellow, Oxford written all over him, walked +bang into them. I gave him one on the neck and then we bolted. It was +a pity we couldn't stop and see what happened." + +"We ought to have stopped," Ward declared and disappeared into his +bedroom. + +"I can tell you what happened," I said, and I lifted Dennison's legs +off the mantelpiece and stood between him and the fire. I had been +angry before Dennison described Foster as having Oxford written all +over him, but the cheek of labelling Fred as if he was some tailor's +dummy made me furious. + +Dennison looked at me and then shouted for Ward. "Marten can tell us +what happened after we went, come and hear it." + +"Wait a second. I am going to dine with Bunny at the Sceptre and am +changing." + +In a minute he appeared and went on dressing. + +"I think you are the meanest lot of brutes unhung," I began, for I had +been given time to think of something which would make Dennison see at +once that this joke was not such a good one after all. "Foster of +Oriel was one of the men you bolted from, and I was the other, and the +thing isn't ended yet, for they got Foster's name. You hit one woman +in the eye; do you think that very funny?" + +"Sheer bad luck," Dennison said, but he did not look quite as unruffled +and smug as usual. + +Ward stood with his tie in his hand and did not say a word. I knew +already that he had wanted to go back when he saw that there was a row, +and since he had neither recognized Foster nor me my wrath was +concentrated upon Dennison. + +"You may call it what you like," I continued, "but if you get up a row +and then haven't the pluck to see it out I call it a dirty thing to do." + +I thought that must be enough to rouse Dennison, but he actually smiled +at me and told me to go on. + +"What do you think?" I asked Ward. + +"Of course I did not recognize you and Foster, but when I saw those +people had buttoned on to the wrong man I said we ought to go back. I +wish that we had gone back," he answered. + +"What did they do?" Dennison inquired. + +"They found out Foster's name, and one of them, an awful man called Tom +Harrison, says he is going to get compensation from him because you hit +Susan in the eye with a pea and hadn't the decency to stay there and +own up to it. There's the dinner bell, and I'm about sick of you +fellows." + +"I hit Susan in the eye," Dennison said reflectively. "Was Susan Tom +Harrison's inamorata?" he asked. + +"Talk English and I may answer you. It doesn't matter a row of pins +who Susan was as long as she has a black eye," I replied. + +"It is evidently no good speaking to you until you have calmed down. +You remind me of a damp squib, all fuss and no result. I am going to +dinner," Dennison said, and went out of the room without looking at +either Ward or myself. + +"I shall do something awful to that brute before I have finished with +him. He makes me mad," I said, and Ward walked across the room to me. + +"I am most horribly sorry about this," he began, "and I will come back +straight from the Sceptre and see you. Be in at nine o'clock." + +"You didn't shoot at those people, did you?" I asked. + +"No; but well, you see, Dennison is better than I am at getting in for +a row, and I am better at getting out of it." + +"He's a low-down hound," I asserted, and after promising to be in at +nine o'clock I seized my gown and went away. As I went into the hall I +met Collier, and during dinner I expressed my opinion of Dennison very +freely. There are times at Oxford when you regret most tremendously +that you have left school, and this was one of them. + +"A fellow like that would be kicked at any decent school," I said. + +"He was kicked at Charbury until he managed to become a sort of blood. +He played racquets very well," Collier added, as if by way of an excuse. + +"Why do we put up with him?" I asked viciously, for I could see him +making Lambert and Webb shout with laughter at the table opposite me. + +"I don't know," Collier answered, "I suppose it's his smile. What part +of a fowl do you think this is? it looks to me like the neck." He +turned it over several times and then called a servant. "Please take +this back, and say I have to be very careful what I eat. I keep a +list, and this isn't on it. I never saw that joint before," he added +to me, and lost all interest in Dennison. I thought it a pity that +Collier took so much trouble over what he ate; the sight of that +unusual joint made him quite silent and inattentive during the rest of +the meal. + +I went to his rooms after dinner, as I felt sleepy, and he never did +anything on Sunday except sleep, eat, and go to chapel. His room was +full of tinted literature, but I never saw him read it, and I believe +he bought _The Sporting Times_ on Saturdays so that he could give it to +any man who attacked him with conversation on his day of rest. His +table was covered by a most miscellaneous dessert, and I asked him if +he expected a lot of men. + +"Not a soul," he replied, and sank into a chair by the fire. "I have +this every Sunday night, because my people pay my common-room bill, and +I have to pay everything else out of my allowance. They told me to do +myself well, but after this term I expect they will see that this odd +sort of arrangement won't work. I can feed a regiment on almonds and +raisins without it costing me a sou. Help yourself to coffee, stick +the dish of anchovy toast down between us, and if you want to read +there are three Sunday papers and a crowd of old magazines." + +I sat by the fire and read four short stories to pass the time. +Dennison poked his head into the room and withdrew it when he saw me. +I congratulated myself upon that little incident, for I felt that if he +understood how I hated the sight of him something would have been +gained. At nine o'clock I left Collier and went to my rooms to wait +for Ward. I did not expect him to be punctual, because I guessed that +a dinner given by Bunny Langham would be difficult to leave. He turned +up, however, in about half-an-hour, and said he was jolly glad to get +away from the Sceptre. "Bunny's all right," he said, "but some of his +friends are too much--even for me." + +I replied that Bunny was all wrong, and said why I thought so. + +"You don't know him," Ward explained; "he would never leave any one in +a hole if he thought for a second. He's the most good-natured, weak +kind of man on earth, but he would never do the wrong thing. He goes +straight over a precious difficult country, for he hasn't got any more +will than a rabbit and is as blind as a bat. He will be in trouble to +the end of his days, but he will never make any one ashamed of him." + +I thought this was rather a glorified conception of the Bunny I knew, +so I said nothing. + +"You must see that he is a good sort," Ward said. + +"Everybody's a good sort," I answered impatiently. "Collier calls the +fellow with the green-baize apron who collects the boots a good sort, +and some man I met at home, who talked about emperors and kings as if +they were all his cousins, declared that the Sultan of Morocco was the +best sort he had ever met--when one got to know him." + +"I don't wonder you are sick," he returned. "I should be if any one +had done to me what we did to you and Foster this afternoon. It looks +pretty rotten on the face of it, and I am as sorry as blazes that you +had to have a row with those men." + +"I'm not sick about the row," I answered; "that would have been fun if +they hadn't got Foster's name." + +Ward lay back in his chair, and tried to blow rings of smoke from his +cigarette. + +"Then you are just angry because you think we ought to have come back," +he said. + +"No, I'm not," I replied, and I felt horribly uncomfortable. + +He looked most thoroughly puzzled. "What on earth do you mean?" he +asked. + +I got up and walked about the room before I spoke. "It's this way," I +began. "I wanted you and Foster to like each other, because he is the +greatest friend I have, and I like you. And when I had been saying +what a good fellow you were, you go and make a most infernal row in a +pub on Sunday afternoon and then bolt. I saw you in that confounded +cart, and I ought to have told Foster that I knew you were the fellow +who bolted. But I didn't." + +Ward sat staring in front of him, and did not speak for some time. "I +don't think I could ever be friends with Foster," he said at last; "he +hated me at sight; but it is deucedly good of you all the same. I will +write him a note and tell him I was the man. I was going to do that, +anyhow." + +"You weren't the man," I asserted; "it was that little brute, Dennison." + +"He doesn't count," Ward said. + +I was disposed to agree with him on that point, but I thought that he +and I had better go round and see Foster in the morning, instead of +writing a note. He did not like this at first, but after some talking +he said that he would come, and on the next morning we went round to +Oriel. We made Foster look a most awful idiot, but that could not be +helped. I know that if two men came to me simply bulging with +apologies, I should look for the nearest window. + +Fred hardly said anything but "All right" and "For goodness' sake don't +say a word more about it," but it showed that Ward was not as bad as he +thought him. I stayed behind after Ward had gone so that I might put +things a little more straight, but Fred would not listen to another +word. "You were in a vile temper yesterday afternoon, and now I know +the cause. That's enough, so shut up. You seem to have become a kind +of guardian to Ward," and then he stopped suddenly, for it struck him +that he had said one of those things which funny people say, and he +would never have done that on purpose. I assured him that I knew he +had said it accidentally, but it stopped us talking about Ward, +because, when you hate puns, it is most discomforting to make one +suddenly. I made a pun once--I can still remember it, because if I had +performed this feat intentionally I should have deserved all I got. +What I did get was a dig in the ribs from Collier and the remark, "You +are a wag," and then I had to repeat it to his three cousins, one of +whom was deaf and none of whom understood it, though they all laughed. +It was a Latin pun. + +I am one of those people, Oliver Cromwell was another, to whom +important things happened on a certain day. Tuesday was my day, I +forget which his was, but it does not matter, because it is to be found +in histories and almanacs. My day is not a matter of interest to +anybody, but all the same I was born on a Tuesday, and things which I +have had special reason to remember or regret have generally happened +to me--so my mother says--on the same day. And it was on a Tuesday +that I lunched with the Warden and began a curious sort of friendship +with him. I suppose that I ought not to talk of a friendship between a +man like the Warden, who was a mighty man of learning, and myself, but +after all he gave me one of his books, and wrote in it, "To my young +friend and quondam companion." "Quondam" was rather a pity, perhaps; +it sounds pedantic, and the Warden was no pedant, unless he wanted to +snub people. + +I went to his luncheon, and, having neuralgia, said nothing until he +told me that he knew Mr. Prettyman, who was one of the masters at +Cliborough. If the Warden knew Prettyman I guessed that he had also +heard something about me, and I thought I might as well stick up for +myself as far as possible, so I said that Mr. Prettyman was the sort of +man who, when you had lost a thing, always asked you where you had put +it. He had on one occasion actually done this to me, and annoyed me +very much. The Warden took no notice of my remark, and I was left to +my neuralgia until the end of the meal. The other men who were there +talked a lot; one of them said what he thought of Irving in _Hamlet_, +and another criticized the paintings of Watts; the Warden kept his +opinions to himself, and at two o'clock asked us what we were going to +do in the afternoon. All of us were bent on active employment, but +just as I was leaving the dining-room, he called me back and asked me +if I would go for a walk with him at three o'clock on the following +Thursday afternoon. I was too confused to remember what I said, and I +only recollect that I left his house feeling as if something very awful +was going to happen. I changed to play for the XX. against the XV. in +a kind of daymare, if there is a state of mind which can be so +described, and I had a good deal to say to Murray, as we walked down to +the Parks together, about my luck. Murray laughed all the way from St. +Cuthbert's to Keble; he kept on breaking out into small cackles, which, +of all the bad ways of laughing, must be the worst. + +I started to play footer that afternoon without troubling to think how +I should play. I could see myself marching slowly along the Woodstock +road with the Warden, and however badly I played did not seem to matter +much, for there was something far more awful to come. The XV. began to +press at once, and I, as full-back, had plenty to do. What I did was +reckless; I simply did not care what happened, and everything I tried +seemed to come off. Everybody who plays games has an occasional day +when things get twisted round, and it is easier to do right than wrong. +Those are the days for which we live in hope, and one of mine came on +that Tuesday. I knew the whole thing was a fluke, and I told Murray +and Foster so after the game, but they both said that I had given Sykes +of Merton, who was playing back for the XV., something to think about. + +During the next day, visions of my blue floated before me, and the +prospect of walking with the Warden lost its terrors, until I went +round to see Fred on Thursday morning. I wanted him to give me some +hints, but I am sorry so say he saw only the humorous side of my +engagement, and was very exasperating when he might have been extremely +useful. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +A SURPRISE + +When I left my rooms to walk with the Warden, I imagined that every one +I met was laughing at me, and being intensely on the alert for insults, +I was very displeased with the butler when he came to the door, and +surveyed me. "What can you want with the Warden?" was written plainly +over his face. I have never met a man who could be more gravely +condescending than the Warden's butler, and I know several first-class +cricketers, two headmasters, a popular novelist, and a rising +politician aged twenty-four. I should have enjoyed telling that man +what I thought of him, but a doorstep is a poor place for an +altercation, unless it is with a cabman, and I saw the Warden advancing +upon me clad in a cloak, and carrying a most useful umbrella, which +must have been rolled up by himself. + +The appearance of the Warden might have surprised any one, but it could +have impressed nobody. You had to know that he was a Warden, and wrote +books about religion and philosophy, before you could feel afraid of +him. If he was a precisian in the choice of words, he certainly was +not one in the matter of dress. + +"I think," he said, with just a glance at me to see if I was the right +man, "that we will enter the Parks by the gates opposite to Keble +College; we shall be more or less interrupted by the noisy, if +necessary, shouts of football players, but we shall escape the +authoritative note of the bicycle bell." + +There wasn't much that I could say in answer to this, so I walked down +the Broad in silence, and tried in vain to keep step with my companion. +Before we had reached Wadham his shuffle had got upon my nerves, and I +wished furiously that he would say something to me. He seemed to have +tucked his head into his neck, and to have retired into the world of +contemplation. As we entered the Parks I was seized with a wild desire +to run away. I had not uttered a word, and I had arrived at a state of +mind which prompted me to give a terrific yell, just to see what would +happen next. When I feel like that I must speak at least, so I said +that it looked as if it might rain. It is not likely that I should +have made such a remark if I could have thought of any other, and it +had the merit of not being startling and also of being true. But if I +had given the yell which I wished to give, I could not have produced a +greater effect upon the Warden. I think that he had forgotten my +existence, and for a moment he could not remember why I was with him. +He poked his head forward, and looked at me until I regretted my effort +at conversation, and was dreadfully afraid I should have to repeat it; +a remark about the weather in some way or other seems to lose all its +sparkle when it is repeated. + +The Warden, however, had heard what I said, and when he had detached +himself from whatever he was thinking about, he answered me. + +"I am not one of those who pretend to any extraordinary knowledge of +weather symptoms," he began, and he stood in the middle of the path, +while a gardener leant on his spade and watched us; "indeed, I have +often noticed that those who make the greatest pretensions of that kind +are themselves most frequently mistaken. In fact, my friend Dr. +Marshall, who wrote the meteorological reports for _The Times_ +newspaper, was frequently himself in doubt whether or no to take out an +umbrella for a walk." + +I did not venture to interrupt him again for some time, and my next +outbreak was quite unpremeditated. We were passing a college rugger +match, and a pass which was palpably forward escaped the notice of the +referee. I joined in the cry of "forward" which was raised, and the +Warden stopped once more and actually smiled. On this occasion I had +forgotten all about him, and my shout probably surprised him as much as +me. + +"I am sorry," I said to him, "but I really couldn't help it." + +"There is no occasion to express or even to feel regret," he answered, +and his eyes twinkled delightfully; "if youth lost its spontaneity it +would at one and the same moment lose its charm. Did your cry refer to +this?" He pointed with his umbrella to a scrimmage which was taking +place a few yards away from us. + +"Some one threw the ball forward, which he is not allowed to do," I +explained, and a man was hurled into touch close to the spot where we +were standing. + +"The game of football which I believe bears the honoured name of Rugby +appeals, or it seems to me to appeal, to the more violent of the +emotions. Do you play this game, which strikes the eye of the +observant, but not initiated, as the relic of an age in which brute +force rather than science was the aim of the athlete?" + +He walked on as he finished speaking, and I told him that I played +Rugby football and liked it. "I like nearly every game," I added. + +He glanced at me quickly, and after we had walked a little way he began +again. + +"The excellent Lord Chesterfield in his _Letters_ stated that it was +very disagreeable to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to be so; +most of my young friends impress me with the fact that they have +learned that maxim too well. But you on the contrary----" He waved his +umbrella and did not finish the sentence. + +"There is no harm in liking games," I answered; "if I did not take +heaps of exercise I should never be well, or able to read." + +"Heaps of exercise," he repeated, and looked oddly at me. + +"I mean a fearful lot of exercise," I explained. + +"You did not quote 'Mens sana in corpore sano,' for which I have to +thank you, even if your use of the English language affords reasonable +grounds for protest. Heaps of mud, heaps of rubbish, but not, I think, +heaps of exercise." + +"Heaps of money," I ventured to suggest, but he shook his head sadly. + +"We were talking of athletics," he said, "which represent to me the +most sweeping epidemic of the century. Do not let athletics spread +their deadly, if in one sense empurpling, pall over your University +life. Oxford has many gifts for those who are willing to receive them; +do not, my friend, be content with the least which she can give. The +maxim of Mr. Browning, that the grasp of a man should exceed his reach, +if not an ennobling maxim, must not be forgotten entirely." + +I walked by his side in silence, for I knew that the Warden did not +often give advice to an undergraduate. His language even seemed to +have become less carefully chosen, and I felt that he intended to be +not only human but kind, for there was no special reason why he should +talk to me unless he wished. + +He did not speak again until we reached St. Cuthbert's, but when we had +reached the back quadrangle he stopped, and after poking the ground +with his umbrella, said-- + +"I would do nothing willingly to lessen your enthusiasm, you have, I +believe, been endowed liberally with that most exhilarating virtue; I +would only suggest to you that your enthusiasm need not of necessity be +expended solely upon athletics. I hope that we shall be able to enjoy +very many walks together." + +I thrust out my hand, but he hesitated; I forgot that I had nearly made +him shout with pain a few weeks before, but he, as far as I know, never +forgot anything. He trusted me, however, and I treated him very gently. + +As soon as the Warden had disappeared into his house I heard a bellow +of derisive laughter at a window above me, and looking up I saw +Dennison standing there; but at that moment I hated him even more than +I did usually, and I walked off to see Jack Ward without even saying +what I thought of him. + +Jack was having a bath when I got to his rooms, and while he was +dressing he told me how he had been spending the afternoon. I never +knew what he might do next--he flew off at tangents so often--but I was +surprised to hear how he had been employing himself. + +"Perhaps you will think me a fool," he began, "but that Tom Harrison +affair gave me the jumps, and I couldn't wait to see if Foster was +going to be tackled. So I rode over to Sampford, and the man said that +Harrison lived in a village a few miles off. I had lunch at Sampford +and then went on, and, to cut it short, the whole thing is settled." + +"You paid?" + +"Not very much; and Tom said I was the first gentleman he had ever +known come from Oxford--you must pay for a remark like that. He +described us as 'bloomin' 'aughty,' and 'not enough brass to buy a +moke.' Do you know that you are playing for the 'Varsity on Saturday +against Blackheath? I want to go up to town, so I shall come and see +you play." + +I thought that he was trying to prevent me from thanking him, and I did +not really believe that I was going to play until he took his oath that +I was. Then we had tea, and I thanked him; for if there is one thing +in the world of which I will not be baulked it is thanking people. I +hate doing it so much, that it has got to be done. Jack, however, did +not pretend to listen to what I said, and after I had finished we +talked about Dennison; both of us were sick to death of him, but when +you are always meeting a man in other people's rooms, and he won't see +that you don't like him, it is not very easy to get rid of him; for +when you are a fresher you can't choose your friends so easily as you +can when your first year is over. + +After dinner Fred came round to tell me that we were both playing +against Blackheath, and as Jack came in as well, I said that I would +get another man to play whist. I went to Murray, because I was most +anxious that he should be friends with Jack; but I did not tell him +that Jack was one of the four, or I am sure that he would not have +come. I liked both Murray and Jack, and I thought that when I got them +together each would see what a nice man the other was, for I was again +in the mood when everything seems to be easy. But I cannot say that my +efforts were successful; their politeness knocked every spark of +cheeriness out of the game, and we played in dreadful silence, which +may be all right for very good players, but it does not suit me in the +least. + +When Murray looked at his watch and said that he must be going, I felt +quite relieved, and I decided then that I would stop trying to make +Murray and Jack like each other, for the process was too painful and +slow for me. + +After he had gone I told Foster what Ward had been doing, and it was +really quite funny to see how confused they were. Fred said how good +it was of Ward to have taken so much bother about nothing, which was +not quite what he meant, but it did very well; and Ward mumbled +something in reply, which neither of us could hear. Altogether they +managed it most successfully, and when Fred went away Ward said that he +would see him to the lodge. I found out afterwards that he stopped me +going with Fred, so that he might tell him nothing would have happened +if he had not seen Tom Harrison; he was the kind of man who never tried +to get more credit than he deserved, unless it was from Oxford +tradesmen. + +Playing against Blackheath on the Rectory field before a large crowd of +people was good fun, and at the end of the game I thought that I had +managed to escape without making a very pitiable exhibition of myself. +But on the following Monday the sporting papers criticized me most +unpleasantly. "Marten was obviously nervous, and did not seem to +settle down until the game was lost." "As full-back Marten had much to +learn; his tackling was good, but his kicking left much to be desired, +and he seldom found touch." I turned from _The Sportsman_ and +_Sporting Life_ to _The Daily Telegraph_, and found that I had shown +"more pluck than judgment." + +I felt that Sykes of Merton must be having an enjoyable morning, and +even the fact that the critics unanimously praised Foster was of little +assistance to me. My chance had come, and I had not taken it; there +could not have been a more miserable man in Oxford, and for a whole +solid week I never cut a lecture or did anything of which even Mr. +Edwardes could disapprove. + +Sykes reappeared in the 'Varsity team, and Foster declared that the +whole thing was a swindle; but he was more prejudiced in my favour than +I was myself. The last match of the term at Oxford, and the one +previous to the 'Varsity match, was against the Old Cliburians, and the +O. C.s having had a disastrous season Adamson, who always played centre +three-quarters with Foster, did not play, but put a man from Queen's in +his place. This man, whose name was Pott, had been laid up all the +term, and two or three people said it was lucky for Foster that Pott +had not been able to play before. I played back for the O. C.s, and +the game was enough to make any Cambridge man who saw it stand on his +head with delight. The 'Varsity could do nothing right; the passing +broke down time after time, and the forwards got impatient and kicked +too hard. I thought Foster was the one man on the side who played +decently, but five minutes before the end, when we were leading by a +goal to nothing, Pott made a very good run and got a try in the corner. +It seemed to me that this was the only thing he did during the whole +game, and it was my fault that he got the try, for I went for him a +second too late and he fell over the line, but the place-kick went +crooked, and we won by a goal to a try. + +Adamson, who was touch-judging, said what he thought about the 'Varsity +team, and he could be the most uncomplimentary man in Europe when he +liked. His temper was awful, and it did not seem to be improved by the +use of expletives. This game was played on a Saturday, and on the +following Wednesday week we had to play the 'Varsity match at Queen's +Club. The Cambridge team was published in the papers on the Monday, +but some one told me that our committee were not meeting until the +Monday evening. This did not interest me much, for apart from wanting +to see that Fred had got his blue, and I thought he was a certainty, I +did not mind who else was chosen. Sykes had played better against the +O. C.s than he had ever done before, and even Fred said that he was +afraid my chance had gone for this year. + +After dinner on Monday evening I was sitting in my rooms with Murray, +and although it was not nine o'clock, I was wondering how soon I could +go to bed, when Ward suddenly burst in, fairly bubbling over with +excitement. He turned me right out of my chair, and hitting me +violently on the back, said he had never been so awfully glad in all +his life. My first impression was that he had been made glad by wine, +and I told him to clear out if he could not behave himself, which made +him catch hold of me and dance me round the room. By the time we had +finished I found that Dennison, Collier, Lambert, Webb and a host of +other people had come to my rooms, and at last I discovered that I had +got my blue. For a moment I did not believe it, but I managed to push +Ward into a corner, and told him I would never speak to him again if it +was not true. Then he swore that he had seen the names of the XV. to +play against Cambridge stuck up in the window of Howell's shop in the +Turl, and the first name he saw was G. Marten (St. Cuthbert's), back. + +"And Foster, of course?" I said. + +Then Jack Ward's face fell. "No, they've gone mad," he answered; "it's +that man Potts, of Queen's." + +Men buzzed about congratulating me, and one part of me felt most +tremendously glad, and the other part most outrageously sorry. I said +a lot of things about the committee, and everybody except Ward and +Murray thought I had gone mad. The college clock struck nine, and old +Tom's nightly warning began to sound over the city. I seized a cap and +bolted down-stairs, leaving my rooms full of astonished men. But Fred +Foster was the only man I wanted to see, and by making a tremendous +rush for Oriel I got there before the gates were closed. I cannot +describe how I was feeling that evening, but I knew that Fred was +infinitely better at footer than I was, and in my wildest moments I had +never imagined that I should be put in the XV. while he was left out of +it. + +I found him sitting in his room alone, but directly he saw me he jumped +up and began to talk. + +"I came to St. Cuthbert's to congratulate you," he began. + +"It is a confounded swindle," I interrupted. + +"But there was such a row in your rooms that I couldn't face it." + +"I have never been so sick about anything in my life," I said; and he +looked so miserable that in spite of the comfortable sensation of +having got my blue I meant it. + +"It was a vile knock for me, but I don't mind half so much now one of +us is in. Your people will be most awfully glad." + +"They will think the committee are mad to leave you out and put me in. +It upsets things altogether." + +"Pott's in his fourth year, and I must have another shot, that's all," +he said. + +"You are bound to get your cricket blue," I declared. + +"When a man begins to miss getting in as I have done, he very often +keeps on doing it," and he mentioned the names of two or three men who, +with any luck, would have played both cricket and footer against +Cambridge, but were never chosen. "Don't bother about me," he went on, +"but get yourself as fit as possible, and play like blazes at Queen's +Club; you will be doing me a good turn if you play well, because at +present they have got an idea up here that Cliborough fellows can't +play footer. I heard Adamson saying so." + +I expressed my opinion of Adamson and went back to college, for I ought +not to have been out after nine o'clock, because my gating would not +finish. But I must say that when the Subby sent for me, and I +explained what had happened, he congratulated me on getting my blue, +and said that under such exceptional circumstances he would excuse my +forgetfulness. + +For the next few days I got up and went to bed very early; I ran round +the Parks before breakfast, which took me some time and was a most +dreary occupation, and I kicked a ball about nearly every day. All of +my people went up to town for the match, and Fred and I joined them at +the Langham on the Tuesday night. My mother was dreadfully sorry for +Fred, and Nina seemed to have forgotten that she was nearly grown-up, +and gave herself no airs at all. I think that Fred, who forgave +swindles very quickly, found some consolation in the fact that he was +going to watch the match with Nina, which would have amused me had I +not been so anxious about the morrow. + +There cannot be a more cheerless spot in London than the Queen's Club +on a foggy December afternoon, but when I arrived there and found that +we had got to play in semi-darkness my nervousness almost disappeared. + +After being photographed, and running about the ground to stretch our +legs, we began, and for some time I should not think a full-back ever +had less to do than I had. The game settled down into one long +scrimmage, and apart from making a few kicks, which were neither good +nor bad, I was almost a spectator, and at half-time I was, in +comparison with every one else, quite disgustingly clean. We played +towards the pavilion during the second half, and before ten minutes had +passed I was covered with mud, if not with glory. The Cambridge +three-quarters got the ball, and after a round of passing one of them +got a try right behind our posts. Adamson promptly told me that it was +my fault, but as a matter of fact Pott had slipped up at a critical +moment and left his man unmarked, so I did not get much chance of +preventing the try. + +After this Cambridge pressed us hard, and I had to fall on the ball +continually, which is a dismal performance until one gets warmed up to +it. Pott's knee had given way, and though he stayed on the ground and +limped about, the Cambridge forwards seemed to be always rushing past +him and hurling me to the ground. Luck, however, was on our side, and +though they were often on the point of scoring nothing really happened, +and at last our forwards got the ball down to the other end of the +ground. I hoped for a little peace, but the man who plays full-back +and expects such a thing is an idiot. Only a few minutes were left +when the Cambridge three-quarters got off again, and, Pott being +useless, two men came at top speed for me. Their centre had the ball, +and had only to throw it to the wing man for a try to be a certainty. +The wing man was an international and about the fastest three-quarter +in Scotland, so I tried a little device, which was bad football, though +in this case it came off. My only chance was for the centre man to +lose his head, and he lost it quite beautifully; if he had only gone on +himself instead of trying to pass there was nobody to stop him, for I +had made up my mind to prevent the fast man getting the ball whatever +happened. I ran in between them, and the centre passed right into my +hands; at the same moment the wing man slipped up, and I was going for +the Cambridge line as fast as I could. No one being near me I think +that I made one of the fastest runs of my life, but not having been +blessed with speed I had to pass at last, and I happened to make quite +a good shot, for one of our halves got the ball and ran in behind the +posts. Adamson kicked the goal all right, and the game ended in a draw +directly afterwards. + +I don't mind saying that as I walked off the ground I should have been +glad if there had been less fog; I had suffered so much after the +Cambridge try, that I should have been pleased if everybody had seen +the finish; but after all Fred had managed to discover what had +happened, and if there had not been a fog, I expect I should not have +tried to intercept that pass, for it would have looked quite awful if I +had not happened to do it. All kinds of people congratulated me, and +Adamson was good enough to acknowledge that I had atoned for my +previous mistake; but I could not help wondering what he would have +said if the Cambridge man had not happened to make such a bad pass. +There was a condescension about Adamson which roused my worst passions, +for of all the blues I have seen he was the only one who ever took an +insane delight in himself, and unfortunately he belonged to a college +which so seldom had a blue, that when they did get one they almost +worshipped him. + +After the game was over I went back to the Langham, for Fred and I had +arranged to go to a theatre with Jack Ward; but I have only the vaguest +idea of the performance I watched. I had slept badly the night before, +and now that the match was over, nothing could keep me awake, so I had +to be given up as hopeless, though Fred gave me an occasional dig with +his elbow just to keep me from snoring. By the time the play was over +I was properly awake again, and so satisfied with myself, that when I +met Dennison going out of the theatre I was even glad to see him. + +"Ward told me you were coming here," he said. "What are you going to +do now?" + +"Going home, I suppose," I answered; but I cannot say that I cared much +where I went. + +"Let's go to the Parma, there is sure to be a rag on there," he said to +Jack, and after some discussion we walked down Shaftesbury Avenue. + +I think the air of the town must have got into Dennison's head, for I +had not walked far before I was in more than my usual state of rage +with him. He ordered us about most abominably, and seemed to think +that I was sure to lose my way unless I kept close to him. As a matter +of fact, neither Fred nor I knew London well, but I resented being +treated like an infant, and if Dennison only looked after us out of +kindness, I did not see why he should do it at the top of his voice. I +had an inexplicable feeling that it was the duty of every one to know +something about London, and although I should not have recognized +Piccadilly Circus when I saw it, I was quite prepared to put that down +to the fog; for if Dennison had not taken so much for granted, I should +never willingly have given myself away to him. + +When we reached the Parma I was very thirsty, but there were so many +people in the place that it was impossible to get near the bar. We +were jolted about by men who, having nothing else to say, shouted "Good +old Cambridge!" and "Now then, Oxford!" The pandemonium was deafening, +and Jack said to me that the whole thing wasn't good enough, and unless +you happened to feel like shoving into people and then pretending that +you were very sorry he was quite right. + +A man standing on the steps at the top of the room began to make a +speech until somebody shoved him down, and his top-hat, having been +knocked off, was kicked about by everybody who could get near it. Men +whom I never remembered having seen before, shook me warmly by the hand +and treated me as if I was their greatest friend, but none of them +could get me anything to drink. This scene was subsequently described +as disgraceful, but it was really very dull, and after a few more +minutes spent in trying to make my voice heard in the noise, the lights +were turned out. The word "Johnnys" ran round the place, and there was +a big rush for the door leading into Piccadilly Circus. Fortunately I +got out at once, and I found myself marching clown Piccadilly in the +second row of a procession. Foster was next to me, though how he got +there I cannot conceive, and Ward and Dennison were in the front row. +We sang as we walked, and people cleared out of our way. I heard one +man who met us say "Poor fools!" and the fellow who was with him +answered "We did that kind of thing years ago, didn't we?" Outside The +St. John's we came to a dead stop, and the men in front of me began +arguing with an enormous man who stood at the entrance. + +"No one else is to be admitted to-night," I heard the giant say. + +"But it is not closing time," some one answered. + +"These are my orders, gentlemen," he said, and it was really rather +nice of him to address us as he did. + +Ward did not say a word, but tried quite amicably to get past the +giant. It was a kind of Goliath and David business anyhow, but +whatever chance Ward had of getting into the restaurant ended abruptly; +a bevy of policemen who seemed to drop out of the skies simply pounced +upon him, and if he had been guilty of some real crime he could not +have been treated more severely. It was my first experience of +policemen, and unless some one had very kindly caught hold of me, my +first impulse was to go for the men who had seized Ward. + +"You had better keep quiet, or you will be taken to the station as +well," one policeman said to me, but I went on talking until some one I +did not know touched me on the arm. + +"Was the man they collared a friend of yours?" he asked. + +"Yes, and it is a most wretched swindle," I said. + +"I don't think he did anything to speak of," Foster added. + +"I was just coming out of the door as it happened," our friend said, +"and I have never seen a more unfair thing in my life. If you will +come to the police-station to-morrow to give evidence, I will come too. +You had better go now and see if you can do anything for him." + +We assured him that we would turn up the next morning, and then Foster +and I made our way to the police-station. I cannot say that the +Inspector, or whoever the official was who talked to us, took much +notice of what we said, but we found a more sympathetic man outside the +station who asked us if we wanted to bail out our friend. The official +had told us that Jack Ward would be quite comfortable during the night, +but when I saw another person brought in by the police we doubted this +statement very much, and we discussed things with our sympathetic +friend, who was a shabby-looking man when he happened to get near the +light, and he gave us much advice in exchange for half-a-sovereign. I +gave him the half-sovereign, though what prompted me to do so I cannot +remember, but I had met so many aggressive people during that evening +that a kind man appealed to me strongly. He was, I heard afterwards, a +professional bailer-out, and I do not think he could have been a very +good one, for although Fred and I went about with him for over an hour, +and rang up various people who treated us with unvarying rudeness, in +the end we had to leave Jack Ward where he was. + +It was no easy matter to escape from my people in the morning, but we +got to the place all right, and soon after we got there Jack Ward +appeared, and was charged with creating a disturbance in Piccadilly. +Policemen gave evidence, and the man who had told us that he would come +and speak up for Ward turned out to be a barrister, and did not appear +to be in the least afraid of the magistrate. His evidence was very +different to that of the police, and I thought Jack Ward, who looked as +if he had been having a dreadful time, was bound to get off. + +When my turn came to kiss the book I was in a terrible state of +nervousness, and the magistrate asked me my name twice, and where I +lived at least three times. I am sure he must have been deaf, for I +spoke plainly enough, but I thought him a most disagreeable man. After +bothering me until I really felt quite unwell, he asked me how many +drinks I had seen Jack Ward have, and when I answered "None," he said +very angrily, "I shall not want to ask you any more questions." He +might just as well have told me that he did not believe a word I said. + +In the end Ward was bound over to keep the peace for a month, and the +magistrate said what he thought of the disturbance which had been made. +He supposed undergraduates to be a far more vicious lot than they +really are, for at the very worst we were only extremely noisy and very +foolish, and Jack Ward was just the victim of horribly bad luck. + +I was glad to get away from the police-court, and I am not searching +for such an experience as this again, but principally we were sorry for +Ward, who said he had never spent such a night in his life. However he +was very cheerful about it, and took the view that it might have +happened to any one. + +After luncheon Foster and I had to start on tour with the 'Varsity XV. +in Wales, and I was exceedingly glad that Adamson had to stay in town +to play for the South against the North, or Fred would not have come. +On that tour I played very badly and Fred very well, which is what some +people would call the irony of fate. But I must say in excuse for +myself that more difficult people to get hold of than those Swansea, +Newport and Cardiff three-quarters I cannot conceive, and I had no end +of chances of trying to collar them. How many of those chances I took +can be guessed by any one who is curious enough to look up records and +see the lamentable results of those three matches. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +MY MAIDEN SPEECH + +As soon as the 'Varsity football tour was finished, I went home and +Fred Foster came with me. Any exultation I might have been inclined to +show over my blue was completely checked by the way I played on the +tour, and I was very glad when we got away from Wales and the sarcastic +remarks of the Welsh newspapers. As a matter of curiosity it may be +satisfactory to find out what famous Oxford teams of former years think +of the one you happen to be in, but it was exceedingly disagreeable of +the Welsh papers to suggest that we should not like to hear the +opinions of these heroes, and one sporting reporter went out of his way +to be nasty to me. "When I saw Marten at back and remember the +brilliant exponents of the game who have filled his position in +previous Dark Blue fifteens, I really cannot refrain from smiling. But +it is a pity all the same." If I could have got hold of that fellow I +think I might have curtailed the length of his smile, but Foster gave +me a little satisfaction by saying that if a man was ass enough to +write about "exponents of the game," he was probably paid a penny a +line for what he wrote, and had sacrificed me for the sake of +threepence. + +We had a very good time during our first "vac." I think that Nina +expected me to come back from Oxford with a very fine equipment of +airs; in fact I know that she did for she told me so, but I was in a +humble mood and gave her no chances to squash me, and she and Fred got +on splendidly together. My first term had taught me that I did not +know in the least what I wanted, which was an upsetting lesson for any +one to learn who had always done what came next without bothering about +the consequences. This result had been brought about by the Warden and +Dennison, the one had in his curious way tried to urge me on, the other +had sickened me of men who rag from morning to night, and I felt +bothered for several days in succession. Then, however, I stopped +worrying myself and regained my normal spirits, to the annoyance of my +father who was at that time inveighing against Russia and the +ritualistic vicar of our parish, and had a lot to say about the thin +end of the wedge. He told me that I must take more interest in +politics, and he made both Fred and me promise that we would speak at +debating societies during our first year. + +But when I recollected the discussions I had listened to at our college +debating society I could not remember a single one at which I could +have said anything to the point; how could I know whether "It is better +to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," or what could +I say about marriage being a failure? There was, indeed, only one man +at St. Cuthbert's who could possibly know anything about marriage, and +he had a wife and three children, but from the appearance of the lady I +do not think that he was likely to give us his honest opinion. + +I wrote to Jack Ward but did not get an answer, and when we got back to +Oxford I found that he had been staying with a mining magnate whose +name I could not pronounce. He had been gambling every night, I forget +how much he won in a week, but it is of no consequence as he lost all +of it and a lot more before he had finished. During this term he +became a complete blood, and was constantly dining at wine clubs or +with somebody like Bunny Langham. He joined the Mohocks, and men who +did not know him, and thought that our wine club made far too much +noise and was a nuisance to the college, said that he would get sent +down at the end of his first year for being ploughed in pass +Moderations. I, however, saw a good deal of him at odd times, and the +fact that he absolutely refused to have anything more to do with +Dennison than he could help delighted me. When Jack had no use for any +one he had a very expressive way of letting them know it, and Dennison +at last was so offended that he invaded my rooms one afternoon when I +was changing after footer and couldn't escape from him. + +"You don't see much of Ward now, do you?" he began, as he placed +himself upon my bed. + +"I see him every day," I answered. + +"I can't understand why you care to do it." + +"Well, I do care to do it; you are sitting on my socks, do you mind +getting up?" + +"You ought to hear what most of the freshers are saying about the side +Ward is putting on, it isn't as if he had any good reason for sticking +on side." + +"What do you think is a good reason for sticking on side?" I asked. + +"Ward can't do anything; you are a blue already, and I shall probably +get my racquet blue, but of course that's got nothing to do with it." + +"Then I shouldn't say anything about it," I answered, and putting on my +coat I went into my sitter. + +"Don't be a fool," he said as he followed me, "you stick so +tremendously close to rotten old-fashioned ideas. I am not exactly +committing a crime in not liking a man whom you profess to like." + +"I have never professed to like any one in my life if I didn't like +him," I returned, and instead of getting angry with me, he laughed and +sat down in my biggest arm-chair. It was not his habit to have two +quarrels going on at the same time, and when he wished to be amiable +you had to work hard before you removed his smile. We had tea +together, and I did work hard, but he refused to be offended, and told +me that I was far too good a sort to be wrapped up in old prejudices, +which were the laughing-stock of everybody who really thought about +them. Oxford, he said, was the place for a good time and not for +airing ridiculous fads which were all right at school, where there was +nothing else to do but pretend to like a fellow for ever because you +had happened to like him for a few weeks. And he also told me that +being a blue, I ought to take my proper position in the college, and +not to go about with men who were no use whatever. + +In return I told him some beautifully plain things, but when a man has +the terrific impudence of Dennison, he makes me too angry to be +coherent. I let him know, however, that I intended to choose my own +friends and that I thought a blue, if he was also a bounder, might do +his college more harm than good. To which he replied that if a man was +a bounder he found it exceedingly difficult to become a blue. When +Dennison went away I rushed off to see Murray, and although he did not +pretend to like Jack, he agreed with me that ten Wards in a college +would not make it as unpleasant a place as one Dennison. After this +attempt to get me on his side against Jack, Dennison left me more or +less alone, but he smiled upon me whenever he saw me, and to Webb, +Lambert and a man called Learoyd, who were at that time his particular +friends, I believe that he described me as a lunatic who might be of +use in the future. + +I was very energetic during this term, and at the same time very quiet. +The weather was so bad that astronomical people said that the sun had +got spots upon it or had gone wrong somehow; at any rate we hardly ever +saw it, and we lived in a deluge of rain. The Torpids had to be +postponed, nearly every footer match was scratched, and the people who +had been talking about water-famines for the last two years held their +peace. Oxford seemed to be a most cheerless place, and Collier slept +nearly the whole term. However, I most strenuously did labour, but I +should never have stuck to it had not Murray helped me, and the result +was that after we had been up five weeks I found myself in high favour +with Mr. Gilbert Edwardes. + +It is a dreadful thing to please your tutor if you do not happen to +like him, because he asks you to breakfast by way of showing his +pleasure, and at meals I could not put up with Mr. Edwardes. I sat +next him at one breakfast, and he never ate anything except a piece of +dry toast, and he talked about patent foods. I never saw a man who +looked more as if he needed a really big meal of beef and plum-pudding; +but he was an authority on diet, and told me that food if too +nutritious was very bad for the brain. He could not, I thought, have +imagined that our brains were worth much; for I must say that though he +did not eat himself he gave us every chance of doing so, and if we had +been the torpid, who breakfast and dine hugely, he could not have +provided us with more food. Murray, who was one of many at this meal, +seemed to be very interested in what Mr. Edwardes said about diet, and +I told him afterwards that he was an arch-humbug; but it turned out +that he had been bothered all his life--at least he said so--by +indigestion, and that at Wellingham he had lived on some peculiar +biscuit for nearly a fortnight, which recalled to my mind what Ward had +said to me about him. + +I played in all the 'Varsity rugger matches which were not scratched, +and we finished up by beating the Wellingham Nomads after a muddy and +desperate struggle. Murray was playing for the Nomads and Foster for +the 'Varsity, and so many Wellingham people came round to Murray's +rooms after the match that I had to hold a kind of overflow meeting in +my rooms, after the manner of political gatherings. Murray was in +great spirits until everybody had gone, and then he said he had got a +most frightful attack of indigestion. So I let him talk it off. It +was curious that I had known him so long without ever having got him on +the subject of health; but he told me that when he came up to Oxford he +made up his mind to forget all about his ailments and eat anything. I +told him that he had better stick to that resolution, because I was +sure that his best way was never even to think about himself, but that +advice was not altogether unselfish. After he had spent a solid +half-hour in telling me what pains he suffered, he seemed so much +better that I was compelled to add that whenever he felt most awfully +bad he had better come and talk to me. I did not say that from conceit +but out of sympathy, and when he laughed I told him that if he thought +it was amusing for me to hear about his pains and spasms he was jolly +well mistaken. + +"My father has talked about his liver for the last ten years," I said, +by way of proving that whatever information he gave me about himself +was bound to be stale. + +"Then you will have one some day," Murray answered, and I imagined that +he looked at me as if in the future we could have a royal time nursing +our dyspepsia together. But I was not going to be a twin dyspeptic +with anybody. + +"I hope I have got one now," I returned, "but I am not going on the +roof to shout about it. Every one ought to keep their liver dark, and +then the vile thing wouldn't be a nuisance to every one else." + +He only laughed again. I am afraid he had read a lot of medical books +and knew far too much about the colour of things, but I do really +believe that I did him some good, for apart from seeing him put +extraordinary pieces of paper on his tongue and look very concerned +when they revealed whatever secret they have to reveal, he never talked +intimately to me again about his complaints, and as time went on he +laughed at himself, which was very wholesome of him. + +Six weeks of the term had passed before I thought of fulfilling the +promise I made to my father, and when the time drew near for me to +speak at our college debating society, if I meant to do so, I became +extremely nervous. There was only one more meeting of the society +during that term, and the subject for debate was, "The modern novel has +a depressing and decaying influence upon the mind of the British +nation." Lambert, who spoke very fluently and not at all to the point, +was booked to speak first at this debate, and any one who knew him +could see his magnificent style in the way the motion was drawn up. He +revelled in alliteration, and I should think that he preferred subjects +which were more general than particular, for he had on one occasion +come hopelessly to grief at a debate on French politics, and had to +hide his confusion by saying that no one could be expected to take an +interest in a Latin nation, which made some people think that he was +more stupid than he really was. + +I resolved to support the modern novel, not because I knew much about +it, but because I did not intend to be on the same side as Lambert, and +I went to the Union and listened to a debate in which two men from +Cambridge spoke and one man from London. Speaking seemed to be easy to +these people, but perhaps the presence of the London man--he was very +distinguished--acted as a check to orators who were not quite sure of +themselves. At any rate the distinguished man made a great impression, +he deplored the spread of taste among the lower classes, and he was +very sad and eloquent about organized excursions which he said +consisted chiefly of meals. To my mind he went on deploring far too +long, for if anybody does remember Rome by what he had for dinner +there, and forgets everything about Venice except his tea, his +temporary absence from England is not exactly a disaster, and the +Italians are glad to have him. Craddock of Balliol, who spoke before +the man from London, was crushed for dealing with the subject in a +frivolous manner, but I was not persuaded that a serious debate about +English Tourists would make them any less humorous or plentiful. That +debate did me good in one way, for I was so angry with this man of +distinction that I wished I could have told him what I thought, and for +three consecutive mornings I addressed an imaginary audience while I +was having my bath. But if my remarks had been made at the Union I am +afraid they would have caused a tumult, they were more suited to the +House of Commons, where, if the worst happens, you have the consolation +of being led out by a dignified official, and can read about your +departure in the newspapers of the following morning. I was so worried +about my speech that I mentioned it to several men, and most of them +said that they would come to the debate, which was the last thing I +wanted them to do. I had, however, to go through with it, so I +consoled myself by the thought that I couldn't be duller than some of +the people whom I had heard speaking at our debates; but when I went +into the common room and found a larger crowd of men there than I had +ever seen at a previous meeting, I wished that I had never come near +the place. Before Lambert spoke we had to go through a lot of private +business, which consisted chiefly of attempts by the college wags to be +funny. Some men cultivate the special form of humour which shines at +private business, but on this occasion all our wags were either absent +or silent, and the President and Secretary of the debating society had +a very peaceful evening. + +When Lambert got up to pulverize the modern novel a great many men, who +had only come in for a rag, left the room, but Dennison, Webb and some +others who knew that I intended to speak, remained, and I made up my +mind that they should wait a very long time if they meant to hear me. +There was not a trace of nervousness about Lambert; he shot his cuffs, +stroked his upper lip with one finger, and was really rather a comical +figure, though I should think that every one was not so much amused at +the things he said as at his magnificent manner while saying them, for +he had nothing new to say about the influence of popular fiction. He +referred to authors who draw their inspiration from the Bible in terms +of lordly condescension, and then, changing his manner suddenly, he +spoke of the rise and fall of Stratford-upon-Avon in such mournful +tones that any one who did not know him might have imagined that he was +on the verge of tears. + +No speech of his, however, was complete without a peroration, and on +this evening he surpassed himself. "You," he began, "who buy books +without a thought of what you are buying, who are guided in your taste +for fiction by the advertisements and buy a novel with as little care +as you would buy a pair of scissors, who think, if you ever think, and +I have already said that you do not, that because there are fifty +thousand tasteless people in the world there is no reason why you +should not swell that crowd, you are responsible for the decay of the +novel. Traditions are dying, helped to their death by prize +competitions and personal paragraphs, and Oxford is the home of +tradition, for Oxford was invented before Eton. We care no longer for +what is best but for what is most talked about, in our fiction we look +for scandals and not for literature, and unless there is a reaction the +man who can blush will become a curiosity, fit only for exhibition on +the Music Hall stage or in the Zoological Gardens. It is a serious +matter. The Philistines must be met and routed, we know that of old +this was their usual fate, it seems to have been the chief reason for +their existence. For my part I think a day ill-spent in which I have +not read a few pages of Fielding or Thackeray. I have the most kindly +feelings towards Dickens, Jane Austen and George Eliot, and when I am +tired I write little things myself." + +He sat down and looked blandly in front of him; if he had been less +pleased with himself he would not have been anything like so amusing. + +A senior man called Ransome got up to defend the modern novel, and the +debate at once became serious. In about five minutes Ransome would +have made most men feel crushed and unhappy, but Lambert only spread +out his legs and shut his eyes. Ransome was not only a good speaker +but also one of the cleverest men in the 'Varsity, and he scored time +after time without disturbing Lambert's equanimity. I think that +Lambert's enormous and somnolent bulk must have annoyed Ransome, for he +went on to make an attack which was virulently sarcastic. In his +speech Lambert had been foolish enough to say nothing in favour of +modern novels, he had taken it for granted that all of them were bad, +and Ransome fastening on this accused him of never having heard of +George Meredith and Thomas Hardy, and he finished by appealing to us +not to be guided in our tastes and opinions by a man whose assumptions +were based on tremendous ignorance. + +After Ransome had finished Lambert woke up, which was silly of him, but +I must admit that he looked exactly as if he had been roused from a +deep sleep. A number of men spoke, and most of them said something +which I had intended to say, until there was very little of my speech +left which could sound original. As each man sat down, Dennison and +Webb had the impertinence to shout "Marten," but they were always +called to order by the President, who was in no hurry to hear my maiden +effort. Collier, who had not come to hear me from inclination but a +sense of duty, dozed peacefully in a corner, a number of men recorded +their votes and left the room, the President yawned prodigiously, and +the Secretary looked as if he had got a headache. If I intended to +speak before Lambert replied to all the criticisms passed upon him, my +time had come. I got up as quietly as I could, but I was greeted with +so much applause that I felt quite embarrassed. Jack Ward had come in +from dining somewhere, and when he saw Dennison and Webb clapping +because they expected to be amused, he resolved to make more row than +they did. I could not complain of my reception, but why I received it +is not worth discussing. However the mere sight of Dennison made me +determined not to make a fool of myself and I got rid of my first +sentence without a hitch, and then I was all right for some time +because the walls of my bedder had heard my speech very often and I +knew it well. Jack Ward kept on applauding violently, he meant well +but he did it in the most awkward places, and he made me forget one +thing which Foster had provided. Dennison laughed a little, but he had +to wait before he got an opportunity of trying to make me appear +especially ridiculous. + +"We read too much and think too little," I said, and this was the +opening of a sentence which had caused me a lot of trouble until Murray +helped me to put it right, but Dennison saw his chance and interrupted +me by saying, "We talk too much and think too little, is what you +mean," which was an exasperating remark when I had very nearly finished +without any bother. So I turned round and told him that I could say +what I liked without asking him. The President shouted "Order," but he +looked too sleepy to care much what happened. + +"At any rate I suppose you cribbed it from last week's _Spectator_, and +I know it was 'Talk too much,' because I saw it." + +"If Mr. Marten thinks he can improve upon anything taken from the +_Spectator_ he is at perfect liberty to do so," the President said very +sarcastically, and I felt badly scored off. + +"It's all very well," I said to him, "but these interruptions have made +me forget where I have got to." + +"About the bottom of your second cuff, I should think," Dennison called +out, and I could not stand that libel, so I addressed the rest of my +speech to him. It was, at any rate, fluent, and although the President +tried to stop me I had a merry if short innings before I finished. +Dennison was too much for me, he never lost his temper while I was so +angry that I forget exactly what happened, but when I met the President +in the quad on the following morning and apologized to him, he was kind +enough to say that he hoped I should speak again during the next term, +although as he would be reading hard he was afraid that he would not +have the pleasure of hearing me. He was a curious man, and I could not +help wondering whether he would have wished me to speak if he had not +been too busy to listen, but I did not care to risk asking him that +question. + +The Lent Term at Oxford is rather a dull one for men who do not row, +run, or play soccer. In my time golfers were thought dull whether they +played golf or only talked about it. I did run in our college sports +because Collier said I wouldn't, and Collier ran because I said he +couldn't, the result was that we competed in a half-mile handicap in +which he received the munificent start of eighty-five yards, while I +had to worry through the whole distance with the exception of twenty +yards. Collier bet me five shillings that he would defeat me in that +race, and I thought I had found an easy way of making a little money, +but a half-mile is a long distance for two men without much wind, and +when I caught Collier up about two hundred yards from the finish we +agreed to cancel our bet and walk to the pavilion. Collier could not +speak without gasping for a quarter of an hour, and then he expressed +the determination of retiring permanently from the running path. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON + +The summer term at Oxford would be even more pleasant than it is if it +did not start in April and finish when the summer is just beginning. I +do not wish to say anything about weather, but without taking an +interest in the abnormal quantities of rain or wanting to know why the +sun shines so seldom, I do think that if the success of a term depends +largely upon an English May, it is apt to be very limited. I have been +told so often by quite truthful men that there are other people besides +undergraduates to be considered in Oxford, that I have never felt so +convinced about anything, except that Queen Anne is dead; but all the +same it seems to me that the undergraduate is not given a chance of +being comfortably warm for any length of time. And if the authorities +who fix the terms, or if they like it better, the academical year, +would understand that an undergraduate is a far nicer man when he is +comfortable, they might be inclined to cease from compelling him to +play cricket when it is impossible to think of anything but the biting +wind. + +For my own part I am certain that I have never wanted to break rules or +windows when the sun shines, but some men, when they become depressed +by the weather, turn their thoughts to throwing things about, and there +are so many windows in a quad that wherever you throw you seem to hit +one of them. The only window I smashed was not entirely my fault, for +Ward ducked his head just as a tennis-ball was going to hit it; the +Subby, however, who was trying to instil logic into a lot of pass +"mods" men, was annoyed by broken glass falling into his lecture-room. +This was a bad beginning to the summer term, but had it not rained for +nearly two days I should have been playing cricket that morning, and if +Ward's head had happened to be in front of the Subby's lecture-room I +should not have been there to throw at it. I tried to explain this to +the Subby, but there is a certain kind of reasoning which does not make +much impression on either dons or schoolmasters. I asked him if he +thought any man who was booked to play cricket all day could sit down +at once and work when he heard that his match was scratched, and he +answered, "Undoubtedly." The Subby was a nice enough man in some ways, +but in others he was simply hopeless. He was not so absolutely +unapproachable as Mr. Edwardes, for although you had got to imagine for +all you were worth you could think of him as an "undergrad," but when +Murray and I tried to persuade ourselves that Mr. Edwardes had once +been only twenty years old we wasted our time, and Murray told me that +I was always trying to do impossible things. + +Oxford, however, is a good place when you are only playing at summer, +and it is really splendid if you are lucky enough to have a fine May +and early June. I went back there full of enthusiasm, I meant to do a +hundred things, but I am afraid my programme was a little too full; to +carry it out successfully I required the co-operation of the Subby and +Mr. Edwardes, and no one but an enthusiast, or a fool, would have +thought he was likely to get it. My experiences with Mr. Edwardes +during my second term had been placidly uneventful, but they had been +gained by very great effort on my part, and they did not seem to have +been worth the effort, since my tutor was almost as great an iceberg at +the end of the term as he had been at the beginning. He could not +thaw, but I never found out that until I had spent many unsuccessful +interviews with him. I thought after going through one term without +offending him that I was what golfers, I believe, would call "one up," +and I felt that it would be an easy matter to increase my score, but I +made a great mistake. Mr. Edwardes did not realize in the least that +cricket is a very important and tiring game. I told him frankly that I +wanted to enjoy myself during my first summer term, and that if my work +was neglected a little I hoped he would understand the reason. He +failed to understand it, and instead of being pleased with my candour, +he took up a sort of pouncing attitude. He was fairly on the look-out, +and when a don gets into that state it is not likely he is going to +watch for nothing. + +In the freshers' match Foster and I were on opposite sides, which +seemed to me a very poor kind of arrangement even before we began, and +what I thought of it after the match was over is not worth saying. The +weather on the first day of the game was never intended for cricket, +and I have very rarely seen a nose glow quite so gorgeously as the +umpire who no-balled me twice in my first over. I actually began the +bowling, though I think the reason for this honour must have been that +Cross of Magdalen, who was secretary to the 'Varsity XI. and captained +our side, knew my name. Foster and Henderson began the batting, and my +first ball which was supposed to be directed at Foster's wicket was a +most abominable wide, the second and third he hit to the boundary, the +fourth was a no-ball, and I really forget what happened after that, but +I know that it was the sort of over which seemed as if it would never +end. I had not been no-balled before, and this unexpected misfortune +made my bowling quite comically bad. Cross kept me on for seven overs, +because as I heard him say afterwards he thought the beginning was too +bad to be true. Foster made 128 and Henderson 93, I got one wicket for +78 runs, but the man I got out was not supposed to be a batsman, and he +confided to me as we went back to the pavilion that his highest score +for his school during the last season had been 5. This information on +the top of my inglorious performance was really rather trying; he +might, I thought, have kept it to himself, but he had made 11 and was +unduly elated. Their side made 358, and our two innings only totalled +301; I went in last, with the exception of Cross, and made such +furiously ineffective efforts to hit some leg-breaks, that Rushden of +New College, who was a most serious cricketer and captain of the +'Varsity XI., was compelled to laugh. But I did land one ball into the +shrubbery, which was the only moment during the match when I felt that +cricket in a cold wind was worth playing. After it was all over, +however, I was delighted that Fred had started so well, and it did not +surprise me at all when I saw that my name was not down to play for the +Sixteen Freshmen against the 'Varsity XI.; in fact I should have been +very surprised if Rushden had not made up his mind about me. Both Fred +and Henderson did well in this second trial match and were chosen to +play for the Varsity against the M.C.C., while I went back to college +cricket and lived upon what reputation I had brought from Cliborough +for quite three weeks. I could not get any wickets however much I +tried until we played Pembroke, who were not exactly a strong batting +side, and to make things easier for me they had their three best men +away. After this match I got my college colours, but I am afraid that +it is doubtful if I deserved them. + +Jack Ward played for the College XI., but his best scores were made for +the St. Cuthbert's Busters, who played villages round Oxford, and were +not very depressed if they were beaten. Collier, Lambert and Dennison +also played for the Busters, and a kind of truce had been patched up +between Jack and Dennison, because Jack said that it was too much +trouble to keep up a quarrel with any one whom he was always meeting, +and Dennison was at that time so occupied with other schemes that he +treated Jack as if he was his dearest friend. + +Some senior men in the college were getting very dissatisfied with the +state of it, for they said that it was all right to have an occasional +rag if we had anything to rag about; but as we did not seem able to +row, play footer or cricket, we had better keep quiet. They did +nothing except talk, and Dennison played up to them with all his might; +he had got his half-blue for racquets, and they, not knowing him as +well as Jack, Collier and I did, thought that he was really keen on the +college. But, as a matter of fact, he howled with laughter when our +torpid went down six places, and said that if men were fools enough to +row they deserved to be laughed at, whatever happened to them. + +No one wants to belong to a college which can do nothing but howl at +night, since the greatest slackers in the 'Varsity howl the loudest. +Dennison worked hard for popularity among senior men, but he cared +nothing for the college, and several of the freshers knew that if he +got a set round him who intended to manage the place, St. Cuthbert's +was doomed as far as athletics were concerned. He was made for some +college which is in the habit of having only one blue every ten years +or so, and may possibly treat him as if he is a very fine specimen when +they have got him. + +We could not help doing well in the schools, because we always had +scholars who took Firsts with beautiful regularity; but no one thought +very much about it, since it was a thing to which every one in the +'Varsity was accustomed. + +Even Fred Foster told me that it was a pity St. Cuthbert's was going +downhill so fast; but apart from being angry there was nothing for me +to do, except wait. Our dons, taken in the mass, wanted us to work and +be quiet; they did not care what happened to our eight or our eleven, +and when a man got his blue he was generally told that he must not +allow it to interfere with his reading. Unless dons meet +undergraduates half-way a college is bound, sooner or later, to suffer; +but a little humanity can do wondrous things. During my first year the +Warden was the only don who was kind to me, and though I liked him so +much that I forgave him for not appreciating the difference between +bumping and being bumped, I must confess that his kindness was of a +peculiar kind. St. Cuthbert's, in the opinion of the 'Varsity, had +begun to go down rapidly, and we got very little sympathy from anybody +outside the college. The outlook was gloomy enough, for I was bound to +have rows with Mr. Edwardes as long as I had anything to do with him, +and if I could have been of any use in trying to improve things, I knew +that unless some new dons came I should have to spend most of my time +in looking after myself. I wished that Fred had come to St. +Cuthbert's, for Murray was too quiet to do anything, Collier was too +sleepy, and Jack Ward seemed to be as happy-go-lucky as I was. + +It looked as if Dennison was bound to win in the long run, for he was a +thousand times cleverer at getting what he wanted than any of us, and +he had the great advantage of knowing what he did want. His aim, I +knew, was to be the leader of a set who gambled and yelled and played +games which he thought were fit for bloods to play. Slackness during +the day and liveliness at night were briefly his programme, and though +it is all very well to be lively at night, it seemed to some of us that +if we were to sink to the bottom of the river and care nothing for the +reputation of the college, we were in for a very bad time. By nature +both Jack Ward and I were cheerful, and if it had not been for hating +Dennison I don't think that I should have wanted to check my +cheerfulness. As it was, I had a vague sort of feeling that what +Dennison liked must be wrong. + +I saw Dennison as seldom as I could, but Jack Ward came to me one +morning when there was no college match, and when I had nothing to do +which could not conveniently be put off, to ask me to play for the +Busters. Somebody had scratched at the last moment, and even if I had +not wanted to play I should have found a difficulty in resisting Jack. + +We drove seven miles to a village called Burlington, and had great +difficulty in finding the wicket when we arrived, but our driver had +been there before, and insisted on us getting out by a field which +looked as if it might produce a bountiful crop of hay. Lambert--who +had talked a lot about being asked to play for his county--pretended to +be very disgusted, and strode about as if he owned the whole place; we +had to be very rude to him, so that we might prevent him from hurting +the feelings of the Burlington men. + +In the middle of the field a small space had been mown, and the pitch +itself, apart from a few holes, was not at all bad, but Bagshaw, who +was captaining the Busters, decided at once that he should keep wicket +because he did not want to stand up to his knees in grass. The captain +of the Burtington team was the local publican, a hearty man who told us +in the same breath that he was very glad to see us, and that he had +played cricket for thirty years, boy and man. His name was Plumb, and +I liked him very much; he played in both braces and a belt, because he +told us belts were ticklish things and braces sometimes burst. I +answered that it was always well to be on the safe side, and we had +quite a confidential talk, until Lambert and Dennison came up and +interrupted us. Lambert began to complain about the long grass, and I +was afraid Mr. Plumb might be offended, but I expect he had seen a good +many people like Lambert, and he only smiled compassionately at him. + +"You see it's like this," he said, "this damp, not to call it a wet +spring, has made this yer grass grow, and what I say is that weather +that is good for farmers up to June is bad for us cricketers. But, +bless me, there's nothing to complain of here--I've played cricket in +some funny places if you like, and many a dap on the side of the head +I've had in my time." + +"This man," Dennison remarked, pointing at me, "is a very fast bowler." + +Mr. Plumb shut one eye and looked at me with interest. "Then," he +said, "I think you had better bowl up the hill; I have seen them kick a +bit at the other end, nothing to speak of, but Bill Higgs got his nose +cut open come next Saturday three weeks; he's a fast bowler if you +like, I've seen Spofforth and I've seen Mold, but for pace give me Bill +Higgs." + +"Is he playing to-day?" Lambert asked as unconcernedly as he could. + +"Oh yes, he's playing, he's the terror of the neighbourhood. There he +is, the tall man, he's our policeman when he's not playing cricket. My +eye, his arms are like tree-trunks," and Mr. Plumb left us and walked +over to talk to Bill Higgs, but I am not at all sure that he did not +wink at me before he went. + +"You didn't score much there," I said to Dennison. + +"Cricket isn't good enough in these outlandish holes," he answered, and +seized Collier to tell him about Bill Higgs. Lambert went off hastily +to get a drink, and was not seen again until Bagshaw had won the toss +and decided to go in. + +We began our innings with Lambert and Collier, and Bagshaw could not +have chosen a funnier pair. There was some difficulty in getting them +ready, for Collier had left his pads behind, and we had a desperate job +to find any which were large enough to fit him, while Lambert was so +engaged in persuading us that Higgs on a bumping wicket was nothing to +a man who had been asked to play for his county that at one time he had +lost both his bat and his gloves. Before they started Collier insisted +on tossing to see who should have first ball, and when he won Lambert +said it was of no consequence as he had always meant to have the first +ball. The Burtington XI. waited patiently, and threw catches to each +other with extraordinary violence, but although Mr. Plumb had announced +that Higgs would begin the bowling, the terror of the neighbourhood had +not allowed us to see how fast he bowled. There was an air of mystery +about Higgs, which the nine of us who were not at the wickets found +very entertaining, though Dennison, who was in next, looked anxious. + +When our batsmen had got to the wickets it seemed as if the game would +never begin, for Lambert took guard three times and looked round the +ground so often to see where the fielders were placed that two or three +of the Burtington men from sheer weariness began to turn somersaults. +Higgs stood with the ball in his hand and talked to Collier, he knew +that he was a great man and was quite unmoved by Lambert's little +tricks. At last there was no excuse for waiting any longer, and the +umpire, after Lambert had refused to have a trial ball, which I suppose +he thought would have been an undignified thing for him to do, called +"Play." The mystery was solved immediately, Higgs bowled very fast +underhand, the kind of ball which is correctly termed a "sneak," but +unfortunately for Lambert the first one was straight and his bat was +still in the air when his middle stump was knocked to the ground. The +Burtington XI. seemed to me to take this beginning as a +matter-of-course, and started throwing catches to each other without +even troubling to applaud Higgs. Lambert walked very slowly from the +wickets, and when he got back to us he was smiling in his most +magnificently contemptuous manner. + +"I thought you asked me to play cricket," he said to Bagshaw. "I keep +a special bat for that sort of bowling, and I did not want to smash +this one." + +He sat down on the grass, but we were all so suffocated by laughter +that none of us could condole with him, and if any one had ventured to +say "Bad luck," I am sure Lambert would have treated him with scorn. + +Dennison had two balls which did not bowl him, but Higgs made no +mistake with the next one, and the Burlington men played catch once +more. In the end we managed to make 33, though hardly any of the runs +were made off Higgs, and twelve of them came from two balls which were +lost quite close to the wickets. Nine of the Burtington men made 18 +runs, for Collier bowled very straight until he got hopelessly out of +breath, and then Bagshaw, who laughed all the time Collier was bowling, +would not take him off, though the wretched man was panting like a +grampus. "This last fellow is sure to be a 'sitter,'" Bagshaw said, +"here is Collier's chance to bowl right through an innings, I don't +suppose he has ever done it before." + +But Collier, who was searching after breath and not troubling about +records, was indignant with Bagshaw, and when Lambert, who said that +the sun was in his eyes, missed two catches off consecutive balls, +Collier said something to him at the end of the over which disturbed +the harmony of our XI. for several minutes. Unfortunately the last +Burtington batsman was more of a wag than a "sitter," he was the funny +man of the team, and was so delighted with his own wit that Bagshaw +said it would be a shame not to let him enjoy himself. + +"Every village team has its funny man," he said, "and we are jolly +lucky to get him in last." I am sure Bagshaw was what is called a good +sportsman, but he was too kind to be a good captain. I thought Sam +Jenks was a harmless idiot when he came in with only one pad, and that +on the wrong leg, but by the time he had fooled us out of eight or nine +runs I was simply sick to death of him. Lambert stated in a loud voice +that it was not cricket, and Collier, who was most completely +disorganized both in body and temper, retorted that if it had been +cricket Lambert would not have been playing; while Sam, who in some +ways was not such an ass as he tried to make out, played the next ball +slowly to Lambert at short leg, and ran down the pitch exhorting him to +throw it at Collier's head as soon as he got hold of it. Possibly this +advice, combined with a natural inability to stoop quickly, made +Lambert even slower than usual in picking up the ball, but when he did +pick it up he threw it violently at the wicket to which Sam was +running. There was some doubt whether he threw at Sam or at the +wickets, but he missed whatever he intended to hit and the ball went +yards away into the long grass, where it remained until four runs had +been made and Burtington had won the match. + +Immediately afterwards Sam fell over his wickets in trying to make a +stylish stroke with one leg poised in the air, and an excursion of +Burtingtonians, headed by Mr. Plumb, sallied forth and carried him +shoulder-high to the tent, where he was given much refreshment. + +One or two men on our side tried to persuade Bagshaw that there was +plenty of time left to make as many runs as we wanted and to get the +Burtington men out again, but when Mr. Plumb was told what we were +talking about he came out of the tent and joined us. He was inclined +to be elated, and seizing Bagshaw by the arm said he should like to +have a word with him. They walked away from the rest of us, and, as a +friend of Mr. Plumb's, I went with them. + +"Cricket is cricket, that's what I say, sir," Mr. Plumb began, and +Bagshaw, whose manners were perfectly splendid, assented without a +smile. + +"But in this yer little village there are what the parson calls local +considerations, which I as captain of this team have got to consider." + +Bagshaw inquired quite patiently what these considerations were. + +"Well, it's like this, I keep The Reindeer, and the parson he's a +teetotaller, not one of those stumping men who think because they drink +nothing nobody else ought to, but what I should call broad-minded for a +man who drinks nothing but water. Now what the parson says to me is +this: 'You give these young gentlemen luncheon for which they pays +half-a-crown ahead, and it's worth it, and my missis drives up in the +pony-cart at five and gives everybody tea.' It's like a bargain, you +understand." + +Bagshaw understood most thoroughly and tried to stop the flow of Mr. +Plumb's conversation, but that excellent captain talked on for another +five minutes, until two of our men who knew Bagshaw better than I did, +took upon themselves to walk to the wickets. Then Mr. Plumb began to +collect his men, which seemed to be a difficult matter, and it was +half-past four before we began again. At five o'clock tea was ready +and the game was interrupted for so long that we gave up all thoughts +of winning it, but I heard afterwards from the parson himself that as a +general rule only the batting side had tea and the other XI. had to +take their chance of getting some. I believe we should have won that +match if Mr. Plumb had captained our side, but the Busters were +generally beaten, which possibly accounted for the fact that most of +the villages round Oxford said they were a splendid eleven. No team +which contained Lambert could help being splendid, but as regards +cricket we were the most futile side it is possible to imagine, and +Bagshaw, who was a really good sort, was also exactly the right man to +captain it. + +In our second innings Lambert made nine runs, which was not a great +score for a man who said he had been asked to play for his county, but +was unfortunately enough to make him very pleased with himself, and +when he got into that state of mind he was a dangerous man, for he +always wanted to do something which was better left undone. On this +occasion he persuaded Jack Ward that a little dinner at The Reindeer +would be the most sporting way of finishing the evening, and I have +never seen any one support a suggestion more heartily than Mr. Plumb +did this one of Lambert's. He had a couple of beautiful ducklings +waiting to be cooked, some lamb which would be wasted upon any one but +real gentlemen, and some port which would make our hair curl. Collier +listened to this and thought it too good to miss, so he backed up +Lambert, and Ward, who did not seem enthusiastic over the hair-curling +port, said he would stay if I would. There were good reasons why I +should not stay and I mentioned them one by one, but although in the +lump they ought to have been enough to stop me, when mentioned singly +they did not seem to be very important. Ward, however, saw that I did +not want to stay, and he was on the point of chucking up the whole +thing when Dennison said to Mr. Plumb, "You see, some of us are +frightened to death of the dons; it is a fairly rotten state to be in, +because we daren't call our lives our own." + +That remark was directed at me, and if I had been sensible I should +have taken no notice of it, but unluckily I am one of those wretched +people who hate to hear that I am frightened of anybody or anything, +and for Dennison to tell Mr. Plumb such silly nonsense made me furious. +Of course I said that I would stay, and I saw Dennison wink at Lambert; +the brute was for ever scoring off me, he had a most unrighteous way of +getting what he wanted. + +For some reason or other Bagshaw was always very decent to me, and when +he heard that Ward, Dennison, Collier, Lambert and I were going to +finish the evening at The Reindeer he asked me to come home in the +brake, but that gibe of Dennison's was heavy upon me and I had +determined to stick to my promise and do whatever came my way. I did +not expect that the evening was going to be anything but a rowdy one, +for when Lambert did undertake a thing he went at it most zealously. +First of all he got Ward to wire and ask Bunny Langham to drive over +about ten o'clock and fetch us all back, and then he asked four or five +of the most comical people in the Burtington team to come to The +Reindeer after dinner and help at a smoking concert. All of the +Burtington team came and a number of their friends, in fact I should +think that nearly all the labourers in the village were entertained by +us during the evening. Mr. Plumb began by being very pleased, and the +evening ended in what local newspapers call "harmony," which is the +most polite way of saying that any one sang who liked and that the +discord was something terrible. I sang a solo, the first and last time +I have ever done such a thing, but I was rapturously applauded by an +audience who were more kind and thirsty than critical. My song was +"Tom Bowling," at least Ward said it was more like "Tom Bowling" than +anything else. + +At half-past ten Bunny Langham had not come, and by some means or other +it was necessary that we should reach Oxford before twelve o'clock. +Dennison suggested that we should have a "go-as-you-please" contest +back to St. Cuthbert's, but Collier was not disposed to enter for a +race in which he was bound to be last, and told us that if we were +fools enough to go seven miles in an hour and a half, he would trouble +us to rout up some don when we got back to college and say that he had +been taken seriously unwell in Burlington, but hoped to be better in +the morning. A man, who called himself a veterinary surgeon, but was +described by Mr. Plumb as a cow-doctor, said he would give Collier a +certificate of ill-health; I do not remember from what disease he was +supposed to be suffering. The idea, however, of rushing seven miles as +hard as we could was crushed by Lambert, who was in a kind of "coach +and four" mood and very abusive. He secured Mr. Plumb and having +pushed him into a corner stated that he required a pair of horses and a +wagonette, but Mr. Plumb was not in a condition to be addressed in +terms of authority. His sense of importance had been increasing as the +evening went on, and from being a most innocently amusing man he had +become an obstinate and bibulous publican. He would have nothing to +say to Lambert and declared that getting to Oxford was our business and +that we ought to have thought about it before. The best thing to do +with such a man was to leave him to the remorse of the following +morning, but Lambert had an insane desire to talk and, I must admit, a +forcible way of talking. There seemed to be a reasonable chance of a +row, for Mr. Plumb wasn't without supporters who were as tired of us as +we were of them, but Jack Ward managed to get hold of the cow-doctor +and persuaded him to find some vehicle to help us on our way. As soon +as Mr. Plumb heard of this he declared that the cow-doctor was taking +the bread out of his mouth, but Ward told him if that was the case he +ought to have another drink, and after having it he became comatose and +unobstructive. + +Finally we started from The Reindeer at eleven o'clock in a light +farm-cart, Ward and Dennison sitting on the seat with the driver, while +Collier, Lambert and I sat on the floor of the conveyance. Lambert, +when not singing Bacchanalian songs, complained of the indignity and +discomfort of this performance, but I, having taken the precaution of +propping myself against Collier, who was accustomed to being used as a +cushion and very kind about it, was more sleepy than uncomfortable. +Besides, men who begin to think of being dignified towards midnight are +a nuisance, so I told Lambert he was a speechless idiot, which +statement I found to be positively untrue. + +We had reached the outskirts of Oxford, and even Lambert had passed +from the state of song and abuse to that of sleep, when the cart was +drawn up with such a jerk that my head collided with Collier's, and I +heard Ward say-- + +"Why, Bunny, what the blazes are you doing here at this time of night?" +and Bunny answered with no unnecessary length, "Walking." + +"But why?" Ward said. + +"Exercise. Any room for another pig in the bottom of that cart?" + +"Jump up, quick," Ward answered, "it is a quarter to twelve, and jolly +lucky there is a moon or I should have missed you." + +Bunny said that he was not going to hurry for any one, and wasted two +or three valuable minutes before we got him safely into the cart. He +was in an exceedingly bad temper, and it was only by dint of +innumerable questions that we found that he had actually started to +drive to Burtington and that something disastrous had happened on the +journey. The exact nature of that disaster none of us ever discovered, +but what Bunny wished us to believe was that he went to sleep and was +driven into by a furniture van, and since he had been kind enough to +start to Burtington we should have been a complete set of bounders if +we had not suppressed Dennison when he said that no one was likely to +believe such a tale as that. Anybody with a grain of decency could see +that Bunny had been having a very bad time, and though we all thanked +him tremendously when we got out at St. Cuthbert's, and told the driver +to take him on to Christchurch as fast as he could, he just sat in the +bottom of the cart and said nothing. + +"I am afraid Bunny's ill," Ward said to me as soon as we got into +college, and we blamed ourselves for not seeing him to "The House," +though had we done so we could not have got back to St. Cuthbert's +until a quarter-past twelve. + +On the following morning Ward went round to see Bunny and found him +drinking beer with his breakfast, which was a thing he never dared to +do unless he felt aggressively well. Ward lunched with me and said +that Bunny was all right except that his feelings were in a state of +disorder. + +"There is only one thing he is conceited about and that is his +driving," Ward explained, "and last night he was driving a cob which a +baby in arms could steer. Well, Bunny got upset, and is so ashamed of +himself that he is angry with everybody else. He will be all right by +dinner-time if he is left alone." + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY + +The day following the Burtington match was a very peaceful one, but the +evening brought with it a disturbance which was altogether unexpected. +I was engaged at nine o'clock to read an essay to Mr. Edwardes, and I +had been so energetic that I had written it two days before, which made +me feel virtuous. The subject of the essay was "Impressions of Roman +Society as gathered from Cicero's Letters," and I had taken more than +ordinary trouble over it, for it was the sort of question which I could +not answer without definite knowledge. + +I went to Murray's rooms after dinner, and I remember telling him that +I believed I had written something which would persuade my tutor that I +had at least made an attempt to satisfy him. And Murray, who was +always trying to keep me out of rows and giving me help when I was in +them, read a little of it, and said that it was ever so much longer +than the one he had written. As length meant work, I was very +satisfied with this remark of his, and I went off to Mr. Edwardes with +a feeling that he might be mildly pleased. + +He greeted me coldly and sat down by the side of the table, with his +back almost turned to me; we did not even exchange our opinions about +the weather, and he was evidently as anxious for me to begin as I was +to finish. My opening sentence was stamped by my own style. If I say +that no one else would have written it, I only wish to record that no +one else would have thought it worth while; I will not quote it, +because when I tried to read this essay a year after I had written it, +I was struck by the fact that it was altogether too florid for +every-day use. Mr. Edwardes objected strongly to phrases which seemed +to me beautifully rounded, and I gave them up slowly as one of my most +cherished possessions. I could not share his feelings about them at +that time, whatever I may think of them now, and they formed a part of +a scheme to make my essays less dull, and what I was fain to think even +a little amusing. But apart from my opening sentence I had in this +essay deprived myself of the pleasure of ornate phrasing and been as +solid as possible. I had, however, taken great pains over my first +words. I wished them to convey to Mr. Edwardes that I could still +annoy him if I liked, and afterwards I intended to show him that though +this power remained to me I was too kind to use it. These were not +perhaps the reasons why I was compelled to write essays, and I doubt +whether he would ever have discovered my scheme even if I had read him +what I had written. And I never did read it, for after I had finished +the first sentence and deprived it of much of its effect by getting the +stops mixed up, which made me want to read it over again, he turned +round in his chair so quickly that he bumped his arm against the table, +and if he had not been a don I should have asked him if he had hurt +himself. But as my efforts to please dons by inquiring after their +health had not been successful, I went on reading until Mr. Edwardes +stood up, and feeling then that something had gone hopelessly wrong, I +stopped to look at him. + +I could see that he was exceedingly angry, but why in the world he had +become so suddenly afflicted I had not an idea. + +"I do not require to hear any more of that. You may go," he said, and +he actually pointed to the door. "But--" I began---- + +"You may go," he repeated, and since he looked as if he would continue +pointing towards the door until I obeyed him, I collected the pages on +which I had spent so much labour and walked slowly out of the room. I +was too surprised to say anything more, and I did not even feel like +banging the door. The only thought which occurred to me was that there +must have been something very improper in that cherished sentence, but +if my tutor imagined that I took any pleasure in indecencies, or would +write them consciously, I felt that he was a very silly man. I stopped +on the stairs and began reading my essay again; there was simply +nothing in the beginning of it which could offend the most inquisitive +and conscientious Mrs. Grundy. It might have bored any one, but the +person who could have blushed at it had not yet been born. + +I was most completely puzzled, and when I went back to my rooms and +laid my rejected essay upon the table, I felt as if the only literature +I wished to see again was the Commination Service. It had often been +my fate to displease masters and dons, but it was a new experience for +me to be turned out of a room without knowing in the least why I was +expected to go. I came to the unsatisfying conclusion that Edwardes +had gone mad, and I determined to see Murray so that I might tell him +what had happened; but before I had finished writing a note which had +to be written, both Murray and Foster came into my rooms. + +"Foster has got something to tell you," Murray said. + +"Not half as much as I have got to tell you," I answered. + +"I will bet you a shilling you think it more important, and you can +decide yourself," Murray replied. + +I crammed my note into an envelope and looked at Fred, who was gazing, +rather stupidly I thought, at a photo of Nina which she had sent me a +few days before. + +"How many did you make against Surrey this afternoon?" I asked him. + +Murray began to laugh, which suggested to me that I was asking an +awkward question. "Was it another blob?" I inquired. + +"I made a hundred and two," Foster said, and looked quickly at me and +then again at that wretched photo. I expect he was very anxious not to +seem too pleased with himself, but there was no reason why I should not +be as pleased as I liked, and for a minute I forgot all about Mr. +Edwardes. I told Fred that he was simply a certainty for his blue, and +Murray again seemed to be amused. + +"I have got it," Fred said quietly, and he stepped away from me, +fearing that my delight might be painful to him. + +There is an extraordinarily small choice of things to do when you are +very delighted; just talking seemed to be hopelessly futile, and even +shouting was not satisfactory. But I had to do something, so I opened +a bottle of port, which I knew both Fred and Murray disliked, and made +them drink some of it. After Murray had tasted his and congratulated +Fred again, he put his glass down by the large bowl which I had bought +on my first expedition to the shops of Oxford, and presently fears of +dyspepsia gripped him so furiously that he emptied the wine into the +bowl, when he thought I was not looking. It was '63 port given me by +my father, and if he had seen Murray getting rid of it in this way I am +sure that there would have been trouble; but I, not being oppressed by +a knowledge of vintages, just filled Murray's glass up again and kept +an eye on him to see what he would do with it. I might, however, have +spared myself the trouble, for he had no intention of pretending to +drink two glasses, though he told me afterwards that some curious +impulse had compelled him to get rid of one, and he had decided that it +would be safer in the bowl than elsewhere. In fact, he wished me to +believe that he had done this as a compliment to Foster, but I could +not follow his line of reasoning. + +I sat and talked for a long time about the rottenness of the Cambridge +bowling--which, by the way, I had never seen--and the runs Fred was +sure to make in the 'Varsity match, until he tried very hard to stop me +saying anything more about cricket, and Murray set me going on another +subject when he remarked that it had not taken me long to read my essay. + +"Edwardes has gone completely cracked," I stated. Fred had often heard +me express a similar opinion about masters at Cliborough, and was not +inclined to think seriously of Edwardes' condition, but Murray had +curiosity enough to ask me what had happened. "You saw the beginning +of my essay," I said to him, "and there was nothing in it which could +offend a baby in arms, was there?" + +Murray said that as far as he knew I had been most modest, and he +added, quite unnecessarily, that the only criticism he had to make upon +it was that I had been asked to give Cicero's impression of Roman +society, and had preferred my own. I was not going to set myself up +against Cicero even to please Murray, so I took no notice of his +remark, and went on with my grievance very slowly, for a grievance does +not get proper treatment if you spring it upon people; they just say +"What a confounded swindle," and go on talking about their own affairs. +I had been badly treated, and I intended to make the most of it, so I +did not mind being a bore if I could extract a little surprise and +sympathy from Fred and Murray. + +"I took a lot of trouble over this essay, I changed my style----" + +"The first sentence was fairly magnificent; it reminded me of Lambert +walking across the quad," Murray interrupted me by saying. + +"I wrote that sentence on purpose so that Edwardes might enjoy the +contrast afterwards." + +"There aren't many men who would have thought of that," Fred said, and, +as he was trying to rot me, I agreed with him quite seriously, and +added that I thought it was very kind of me to think so much about +Edwardes. + +"But didn't he like the contrast?" Murray asked, and I thought the way +he looked at Fred, as if something was amusing him, was fairly hard +upon me. + +"He would have liked it," I said emphatically, "if I had ever given him +a chance. I mean if he had ever given me one." + +"What do you mean?" Fred asked, and I could see that it was time for me +to come to the point of my tale. + +"After I had read a sentence and a half, Edwardes hopped out of his +chair, glared at me and said he wanted to hear no more. He then kicked +me out of the room, and what I want to know is the reason why he did +it; and if you two fellows can tell me that instead of grinning like +two Chinese idols, you will be of some use." The recital of my +ill-treatment had made me annoyed with both Fred and Murray. + +Neither of them said anything for a moment, but both of them were, I +regret to say, amused. They missed the serious injustice of my story +altogether, and though there was some excuse for Fred, who must have +found it difficult to think of anything except his blue, there was no +reason why Murray should not do or say something to show how sorry he +was for me. + +"He couldn't have turned you out of the room for that," was all he said. + +"I tell you he did, and he was angry, very angry. The man has gone +utterly and hopelessly cracked; it is just my luck to get a lunatic for +a tutor," I replied, forgetting for the instant that Murray also had a +share in Edwardes. + +"He was sane enough yesterday," Murray said. + +"Perhaps he is one of those fellows who is affected by the sun," Foster +put in. + +"There has been precious little sun to-day," Murray, who was in a most +aggravating mood, declared. + +"I never said anything to him, but just began to read my essay, and +then he jumped on me. I shall complain to the Warden and see what he +has to say about it. I like the Warden," I added, by way of showing +Murray that I could appreciate a reasonable don when I found one. + +Fred said that the whole thing was extraordinarily queer, and that +there must be some explanation of it; but Murray, after being quiet for +a minute, began to fidget like a man who has been puzzling over an +acrostic, and is beginning to discover what it is all about. My people +used to do acrostics, and, when they were completely defeated, I did +not mind being in the same room with them; but, as soon as they got +some clue, my father fairly ramped around seeking books which he could +not find, or asking me for information which I could not give him. He +had the acrostic mania quite badly. + +"I can tell you why Edwardes kicked you out; at least I believe I can," +he said at last. + +"Well, let us have it quick," I answered. + +"In the common-room the night before last you said that you were going +to town to-day and that you wouldn't be able to read your essay to +Edwardes." + +"I was going up to see a dentist, and he wrote that he couldn't see +me," I replied. + +"And Dennison heard you say that you were going?" + +"The silly fool tried to make out that I was manufacturing the dentist +story. He simply makes me sick, but I don't see what he can have to do +with this." + +"Did you see either Dennison or Learoyd in hall to-night?" + +"They weren't there, because I heard Webb asking Collier whether he had +seen them." + +"I've never heard of Learoyd," Foster said, and considering that he had +just got his blue I am afraid he must have spent a very dull time, for +he was accustomed to see me in trouble, and might reasonably have been +annoyed to find that even on this special evening I was in my usual +state. However, he did not seem to mind very much. + +"Learoyd is Dennison's latest discovery," I said; "but he has been +found by the wrong man." + +"He is an exhibitioner and Edwardes is his tutor," Murray added; "and +this afternoon about six o'clock I met Dennison coming out of here and +Learoyd was waiting at the bottom of the staircase." + +"What on earth was Dennison doing in here?" I asked. + +"You aren't much good at guessing," Murray answered; "but I should say +that having heard that you were not going to read your essay to +Edwardes, and Learoyd not having done one to read, Dennison told him he +would borrow yours. I heard you tell Ward that it was just like your +luck to have written an essay when you wouldn't be able to read it, and +Dennison must have heard you say the same thing." + +"Do you mean that Learoyd had been reading out my stuff two or three +hours before I went to Edwardes?" I asked, for port always makes my +head feel stuffy however little I drink, and I wanted everything put +quite clearly before me. + +"I should say so," Murray replied. + +My next remarks do not matter, but as soon as I had passed the +explosive state I said, "That all comes from altering my style, and if +I hadn't Edwardes must have known that it was my essay." + +"Confound your style," Foster replied, "it seems to me that this is +likely to land you in a very fair row unless we do something at once. +What sort of man is Learoyd?" + +"I hardly knew him until this term, and when I didn't know him I rather +liked him, but he has been about a lot with Dennison, and seems to be +going to the bad as hard as he can be pushed," I answered. + +"That's true enough," Murray said; "Learoyd was one of the nicest men +up here until this term, and then Dennison took a fancy to him and the +idiot has chucked up working and spends his time trying to be a blood. +I know his people, and have tried all I know to persuade him that he +will never make a successful blood--he isn't made for one--but I have +done no good. Marten isn't in it with Learoyd for rows with Edwardes, +and the worst of it is that if his exhibition was taken away it would +be serious. His people are most frightfully hard up." + +"That makes the whole thing a thousand times more complicated," I +replied, "I can't give a man away who is in a hole already. I had +better sit still and see what happens." + +"I should think you had better go and see Learoyd," Foster said, "he +can't be in a bigger hole than you are." He got up to go, and I said +that I should wire to my people in the morning and tell them he had got +his blue, but he told me that they knew already, and asked me if I had +heard that Nina was coming up during the next week to see the last +nights of the eights. + +"I had a letter from her last night," he continued, "and she said that +Mrs. Marten was going to write to you." + +"Who is coming up with her?" I asked, and I felt that if I never wrote +to Nina, there was no reason why she should not write to me. + +"She is going to stay at the Rudolf with the Faulkners. They are +coming next Monday morning," and having told me this, which he knew I +should not like, he was kind enough to go away before I told him again +what I thought of Mrs. Faulkner. For when Fred had been staying with +me at home the Faulkners were a fertile source of dispute between us. +The Faulkners had plenty of money, nothing to do, and no children; they +entertained a great deal, and had a mania for taking people up, as it +is called. I am almost certain that Mrs Faulkner tried to take me up +once, but unfortunately I was expected to run in double harness with a +fellow who wore a yellow tie and was no use at anything except talking. +I put up with him for nearly the whole of an afternoon, until he told +me that an ordinary dahlia, over which he was gushing, reminded him of +the sun rising over the Hellespont, and that was altogether too much +for me. I left him and offended Mrs. Faulkner by telling her what I +thought of him, and she told my mother that it was such a pity that I +was so _gauche_. It took me a long time to forgive her for saying +that, and I wished Nina was coming to Oxford with some one who did not +bother my mother with her opinions. + +I sat and pondered over this visit for some time, while Murray kept on +telling me that Learoyd would be in bed if I did not hurry over to see +him. But what good I could get out of seeing him I could not +understand, and Murray became quite abusive before I started. + +I knew Learoyd only in the most casual way, and I had never been in his +rooms in my life, so I should not have been disappointed if he had been +out. I found him, however, sitting by himself, and my first impression +was that he was either very sleepy or very sad, but whatever was the +matter with him he could hardly have wanted to see me. He was good +enough, however, to say he was glad that I had come. + +The conversation flagged for two or three minutes until he roused +himself suddenly. "I have got the most vile attack of the blues +to-night," he said, "and somehow or other I can't shake them off." He +seized a decanter of whisky and began pouring some of it into a glass, +and then I did one of those things which I do impulsively and which are +occasionally right. I put my hand on his arm and said, "That stuff +will only put them off until to-morrow morning." He looked at me for a +moment and sat down again. "Why does every one preach to me?" he +asked. "I shouldn't have thought you were that sort, though you are a +friend of Dick Murray's." He was not angry, but just hopelessly tired +of everything, and he looked so wretched that I felt really sorry for +him. + +"I don't preach," I answered, "though if I could remember half the +things which have been fired off at me they would make a mighty fine +sermon. When people take any notice of me they think that I want +looking after and they begin to do it, the others leave me alone and +say that I shall come to a bad end." + +He was evidently feeling so miserable about everything that I thought +he might like to hear these dismal prophecies about my future. I even +thought they might cheer him up, and make him see that we were in the +same boat. But I made a mistake, for he was annoyed at the idea that +my future could possibly be as great a failure as his. + +"You wouldn't say these things if you really thought you were in a +hopeless muddle. I have gone through it all this term, and I know. I +have tried to laugh, and I have drunk until I didn't care what +happened, but it is all no use. I have made a mess of everything, and +there is no one to blame except myself. And then this utterly idiotic +row comes on the top of everything." + +He sat looking in front of him, and did not seem to remember that I was +in the room, and the thought passed through my mind that I should be +glad to wring Dennison's neck. I asked him twice what row he was +talking about before he spoke. + +"Hasn't Dennison told you?" he asked. "I left him about an hour ago, +and he said he would go and see you. I thought that was what you had +come here for, though of course nothing can be done." + +"I haven't seen Dennison," I said, and added, "I never do if I can help +it," for Learoyd's statement that nothing could be done had given me no +satisfaction. + +"You said that you had done an essay for Edwardes which you weren't +going to read. I hadn't done mine, so Dennison said you wouldn't mind +me using yours. He got it, and I went to Edwardes at six o'clock to +read it, but as soon as I started he began to jump about as if +something was stinging him, and after I had read about half a page he +kicked me out of the room." + +"The man is mad after all," I said. + +"No, he isn't, I wish he was," Learoyd continued. "This is what +happened: Collier stayed in his rooms this afternoon to do his essay, +but went to sleep, and never woke up until it was too late to do it, +and then he remembered that you had one which wanted using so he read +it to Edwardes at five o'clock. I wish to goodness he hadn't put it +back in your rooms." + +This was too much for me, and although Learoyd looked as miserable as +ever, I had to laugh. + +"You wouldn't be so amused if you were in for the row I am," he said, +"they will probably take away my exhibition." + +"I am in for exactly the same row," I answered. "I tried to read that +essay to Edwardes after dinner, and he looked as if he was going to +have a fit. I was out of the room in no time." + +Then Learoyd and I just sat for two or three minutes and laughed until +he felt ever so much better. + +"What are we to do next?" he asked. "After all, it was your essay." + +"It was no wonder Edwardes jumped about," I said, "I thought he was +mad." + +"So did I, until I saw Collier. But what are we to do?" + +"You say you are in a fairly tight hole," I replied. + +"Yes," he said, "I have been in for row after row all this term." + +"Then I won't claim this wretched essay, and it can't matter to +Collier, because he hasn't got anything which the dons can take away." + +"What do you mean?" he asked. + +"Why, Collier has got to tell Edwardes he borrowed the thing, and I +shall sit tight, so they will naturally think it is yours." + +"I can't stand that," he replied. + +"Why not?" I asked. "They won't do anything desperate to me, and of +course Collier won't mind at all." + +I talked until I thought that Learoyd saw how much better my +arrangement was than anything he could suggest, and although he would +not promise to do what I proposed, I thought that I had arranged +everything when I left him. But Learoyd was not the sort of man who +would get out of a row by sacrificing any one else, and on the +following morning both he and Collier went to Edwardes and told him +exactly what had happened. It was very nice of them to do it, but it +deprived me of the comfortable feeling of having done Learoyd a really +good turn, and brought me to the ground again rather too abruptly to +please me. So having been kicked out of the room for nothing, I went +at once to Edwardes and tried to convey to him, as one man would to +another, that I would forget his treatment of me if he would let off +Collier and Learoyd, but especially Learoyd, as lightly as possible. +That mission of mine, however, was a mistake. Mr. Edwardes said he was +not in a position to bargain with any undergraduate, and that he had no +doubt that should the dons require my assistance in managing the +college they would ask me to help them. After I had left him I should +think he must have regretted saying such sarcastic things, for Learoyd +only got a final warning that his exhibition would be taken away at the +end of the term unless he worked properly, and nothing whatever +happened to Collier. But I am afraid Edwardes never gave me the credit +for my essay which I felt that I deserved. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +NINA COMES TO OXFORD + +There can be few men in Oxford who do not enjoy themselves during +Eights' Week, and I imagine that the only miserable people to be found +are those who happen to be in an eight which is bumped several times +during the week. If any one is so misguided that he wants to make a +study of depression I should advise him to take a seat on the barge of +a college which has a very bad eight, and if he waits until the boat +comes back to the barge he will see some of the most unsmiling faces in +the world. + +Rowing is a most serious form of sport, and no one can wonder that a +crew which has been bumped is unable to look very cheerful. It seems +to me that a rowing man deserves a lot of credit even if he rows very +badly; indeed I am not sure that the man who rows the worst does not +deserve the most credit, for he has gone through the same drudgery as +the rest of the crew, and has probably been sworn at a thousand times +more often. I should be very surprised if a rowing man at the end of +so much forcible criticism and strenuous labour could smile when his +boat is bumped. I know that if I had ever been in a boat which had +been bumped, and the only reason why I have not been is because I have +never rowed in a bumping race, I should want to hit somebody over the +head with my oar or denounce the cox. Coxes, indeed, have told me that +although they have never seen my first wish put into practice, my +second is such an ordinary occurrence that the cox who has not suffered +from it must be either deaf or a genius. And if a reasonable man +cannot help being sorry for an eight which has toiled many weeks only +to be bumped, I think he ought to be far more sorry for the cox, whose +cool appearance when the rest of his crew are hot and angry, is in +itself an aggravation. + +I must say, however, that the only cox I ever knew well could not have +failed to deserve all he ever heard, he was one of those pretentious +little people who can only be described by the word "perky," and his +side was simply terrific. But all the same, if a very small man goes +up to Oxford and guesses that it will be his fate to steer slow eights +during the time he is there, I should advise him to start a society for +the protection of coxes, and elect himself the first president. He +will not do the slightest good, but he will get some fun from being +president, and he will also be able to choose colours for the society +and wear a gorgeous tie, if there is any combination of colours which +has not already been annexed, and there can't be many left to choose +from. + +It is the easiest thing in the world to start clubs if all you want to +get out of them is a remarkable tie and hatband, and I knew a man--by +sight--who started three clubs in two years. The first he called "The +Roysterers," and they were supposed to dine twice a term in waistcoats +decorated with R.D.C. buttons; the second he named "The Oddfish," a +club which was intended to be eccentric, and from the extraordinary +colours they adopted I should think they were aptly named. Their chief +function was drinking, and although I never went to any of their +carousals I believe they discharged it thoroughly. The third club +which this energetic man founded was not given up to eating and +drinking, but devoted itself to the discussion of moral and artistic +subjects. They called themselves "The Bumble-Bees," though I never +could understand the reason why they chose such a name, unless it was, +as Murray suggested, that after they had touched a thing there was no +sweetness left in it. I should not like to say how many more clubs +this man would have started had he been given the opportunity, but he +was sent down at the end of his second year, and I have met him since +in Florence wearing a Bumble-Bee tie and Oddfish ribbon round his +straw-hat. I regret to say that he belonged to St. Cuthbert's, and he +was really a nuisance, because there was so strong a feeling against +these miscellaneous colours during my first summer term that nearly all +the men who could do anything respectably wore black bands on their +straw-hats, and the effect was most dismal. + +Dennison heard that my sister was coming up for Eights' week, and he +told me calmly that he should like to meet her. I may have imagined +that he considered this an act of condescension on his part, for I +cannot pretend that I was always fair to him. I distrusted him so +thoroughly that I never believed a word he said, and the only possible +way for peace between us was for each of us to leave the other alone. +But this way did not suit him, for I suppose that I knew too many men +to be left out entirely from his consideration, and it seems to me that +it is more annoying for a man to be friendly when you want to have +nothing to do with him, than it is for anybody to take no notice of you +when you would be glad to be his friend. I did not, however, mean to +let Nina meet Dennison, for I never knew whom she might like or +dislike, and it would have been a most horrible complication if she had +fallen a victim to Dennison's smile. So I told him that Nina would not +be in Oxford for more than two or three days, and that I did not know +her plans, which was true enough as far as it went, and must have been +enough for him to understand what I meant. + +Although I was useless in a boat, I was always most vigorously excited +during Eights' week. Three years before I went to Oxford St. +Cuthbert's had been head of the river, but we had by slow degrees +dwindled down to fifth, and in spite of one or two men who assured me +that we had a much better eight than we were thought to have, I knew +that we were more likely to go down than up. Still I am sorry for the +man who does not feel his nerves tingle at the prospect of a race, and +you tingle all the more if you do not expect to be beaten, so I tried +to forget the general opinion about our eight and to imagine that the +boat in front of us was going to have an anxious time. + +Brasenose was head of the river, and after them came New College, +Magdalen, and Christ Church; we were fifth, and I took no interest in +the boat behind us, though I did know that it was Trinity. So keen was +I that I resolved to run with our boat if I could get any one to run +with me, and I asked quite half-a-dozen men before I found somebody who +was not looking after his own or somebody else's sisters. The man who +said he would run with me was Jack Ward, and he surprised me very much +when he told me that he would far rather see some of the racing than +sit on a barge with a crowd of ladies, and he even consented to run all +the first three nights and then help me to look after Nina when she +came up. He knew, I expect, that I was not likely to run very far, and +that there was no danger of his being left somewhere near Iffley to +walk up by himself. + +I have a feeling that if I had to sit in a boat and hear the seconds +counted out before the starting-gun is fired that my first stroke would +be a most terrific crab. Even standing on the bank is nervous enough +work, and what it must be like for those who have got to row I cannot +imagine. I kept moving about so much before the start that Ward told +me I should be tired before I began to run, but I am unable to keep +still when things are going to happen, and just before the last gun +went I had an inspiration and moved up to the place from which Christ +Church started. By this means I kept up for quite a long way, but it +would be untrue to say I enjoyed myself. We began to gain on Christ +Church at once, and were very soon within half-a-length of them, but I +had no breath to use for shouting, and not having a rattle I could make +no row at all; moreover I am an erratic runner, so whenever I looked at +the boats I kicked or ran into somebody, and I could not retort when +they said things to me. I pounded along as far as the Long Bridges, +which was really quite a long way, and when I stopped I was sure that +we should catch Christ Church. I stood away from the path and tried to +persuade myself that I was not feeling very unwell, but I waited until +the crowds with the other boats had passed by, and then I walked as +fast as I could up the towing-path. I even ran once, for a short way, +because I wanted to get back before all the excitement had stopped on +our barge. I felt certain that we were going head of the river, and +that comfortable sensation seemed to improve my wind, but it took me +some time to get up the towing-path. The first disconcerting thing I +saw were a lot of people cheering frantically on what I thought was the +Trinity barge, but I did not know all the barges properly, and I came +to the conclusion that whoever had told me that this one belonged to +Trinity could not have spoken the truth. So I forced my way up the +path until I got opposite to our barge, and there I found Jack Ward +looking very purple in the face. + +"Did we catch them?" I asked, and I thought that all our men who were +waiting to be punted across to the barge might have made a little more +noise. + +"Catch what?" he said. + +"Why, the House of course," I answered, for it was not very likely we +should catch any one else. + +"Trinity caught us," he replied, and as the punt came over at that +moment he gave a huge shove and managed to get into it. I looked +across the river and saw a very silent crowd on our barge, so I decided +it was no place for me and walked solidly to the end of the towing-path +and went home over Folly Bridge. It was a long way round, and I cannot +imagine any one going back to St. Cuthbert's by such a route if he felt +happy. When I saw Jack Ward at dinner I said that I should not run any +more, and he replied that I was a fairly poor sort of sportsman; so I +did run on both Friday and Saturday, and on Saturday night St. +Cuthbert's was eighth on the river instead of fifth, and as we could +find no other excuse we said that our crew was stale, but I am afraid +the truth was that they were fairly fast for about half the course and +then went to pieces. + +I had not told Nina that our eight was a bad one, and what she would +say I did not care to think, for she never paid any attention to +excuses, and was rather inclined to consider that I was insulting her +personally when I was connected with anything which was not successful. +At any rate I was thankful that we were still a long way above Oriel, +for I knew that Nina would never understand that Oriel had given +themselves up, more or less, to cricket and soccer, and were not very +afflicted by the fact that their boat was nearly bottom of the river. + +I was sure that when Fred explained things to her she would say, "But +why don't you row as well, I should hate to have my college at the +bottom?" and this was almost exactly what happened. Fred made an +effort to get out of it by saying that Oriel was only a small college +and could not be expected to be good at everything, but Nina evidently +thought that it was large enough to have eight men who could row, and +she was not inclined to be pleased with either Fred or me when we went +to the Rudolf and lunched with Mrs. Faulkner on the Monday. It was +characteristic of Mr. Faulkner that he had not been able to come to +Oxford, and his chief function in life, as far as I ever discovered it, +was to get out of accompanying his wife on her countless expeditions. + +"It seems stupid coming up here to see St. Cuthbert's bumped and Oriel +nearly last on the river. I understood from Godfrey that St. +Cuthbert's had a great reputation for rowing," Nina said. + +I avoided Fred's eye, for I thought that he might be amused, and to +turn the conversation away from a dangerous subject, I took upon myself +to make what seemed to me a wise remark. + +"There are other things to see in Oxford besides the bumping races," I +answered. + +Nina sniffed very audibly, but Mrs. Faulkner hastened to the rescue. + +"I think Godfrey is quite right," she said; "it is disappointing to +find that the colleges in which we are especially interested are so +unlucky, but Nina hasn't seen Oxford before, and I am sure she will be +delighted with it;" and Nina, who really could be quite nice when she +liked, forgave Fred and me for the iniquities of our eights, and +answered that she was longing to go out. + +Of course Mrs. Faulkner fell to my lot, and while we walked down the +Broad it pleased her to talk about Nina and to make me say that she was +very pretty. I did think that Nina was not bad-looking, but she was my +sister and I should as soon have thought of saying that she was +wonderfully pretty, as I should of declaring that there was a striking +resemblance between the Apollo Belvedere and myself, and my imagination +has never carried me as far as that. As I was not saying much about +Nina Mrs. Faulkner tried to make me talk about myself, but I +interrupted her. + +"This is St. Cuthbert's," I said; "shall we go in?" + +She looked at me and smiled. "You are really rather extraordinary, +Godfrey; if any one tries to flatter you, you shut up like a hedgehog. +I am sure you have improved immensely and I am beginning to like you +very much," she declared. + +I simply detested her at that moment, for when people make remarks like +that I feel as if some one was pouring cold water down my spine, and as +I meant to show Nina round St. Cuthbert's I managed to change +companions in the lodge, and left Fred to listen to the improvements in +himself, which Mrs. Faulkner, with her great gift for romance, was sure +to say that she had discovered. + +As soon as I got Nina into the big St. Cuthbert's quad she forgot that +she had started by almost quarrelling with me. I was born, +unfortunately, without a keen eye for beautiful things, and even when I +see something which I like to look at again and again, some scene which +gives you a peaceful feeling or a picture which helps you to forget +that there is anything ugly in the world, I cannot express myself. +When I like anybody I want to tell them so, but once when I saw a +splendid sunset in Bavaria and said, "How simply ripping," my father +told me not to make a fool of myself, and somehow or other I felt that +he was right. So I was very glad that I had to show Nina the beauties +of St. Cuthbert's while it was her duty to admire them. She had never +been inside an Oxford quadrangle before, and though I think any one +with two eyes and a grain of common-sense would say that Oxford is +beautiful, I must admit that Nina saw St. Cuthbert's for the first time +under the most favourable circumstances possible. She looked at the +old walls and the flower-boxes which were outside nearly all the +windows, and did not talk any nonsense about them; even the creepers +seemed to be greener than usual in the sunlight of the afternoon. In +the chapel somebody was playing the organ, which may have been a +meretricious effect, but it pleased Nina, and that was all I cared +about. The whole college was most wonderfully peaceful, no one could +imagine that the quadrangle had ever been made hideous by Bacchanalian +yells. And I felt proud of it, which was quite a new sensation to me, +and I suppose it was Nina's delight that made me see things +differently. I took her to my rooms, which seemed to be small and +gloomy enough after the hall and the quadrangle, but she said that they +were far more comfortable than she had expected them to be, and she sat +down in the most comfortable of my easy-chairs and looked as if she +intended to stop for ever. I suggested to her that we should go down +to the river and see Oriel struggling in the second division, but she +decided that one dose of racing would be enough for her, and said that +Fred could take Mrs. Faulkner to the river if she wanted to go. She +had not been so fond of my society for a long time, and for quite ten +minutes, with the aid of cherries, we got on splendidly together. Then +the conversation languished and I began to show her things which she +did not want to see; it is so very hard to please anybody who does not +pretend to like things which they do not like. Nina began to hum at +last, and if there is one noise which I detest it is humming. To make +matters worse her tune was one I especially disliked, but as I was her +host I made a gallant attempt not to listen to it. So I whistled, and +I expect we had nearly reached a crisis when Mrs. Faulkner and Fred +appeared. I was very fond indeed of Nina, and I am sure that she would +have been indignant if any one had told her that she was not fond of +me, but when we had not seen each other for some time and were left +alone together we often irritated each other. It was a terrible +nuisance, but it is no use denying that I was glad to see Mrs. Faulkner +again, and if any one had told me that such a thing was possible when I +left her at the lodge I should have denounced him with many words. I +could see that Fred had not been enjoying himself, and while Mrs. +Faulkner and Nina were discussing loudly what they should do next, he +told me that he had been asked a perfect fusillade of questions none of +which he could answer. "How old is that fig-tree in your garden?" he +asked thoughtlessly, and Mrs. Faulkner's attention was turned upon me. + +"What fig-tree?" I asked. + +Fred tittered audibly, and Mrs. Faulkner seemed to forget that only a +short time before she had discovered an immense improvement in me. + +"Do you mean to say that you live close to that beautiful fig-tree and +don't even know of its existence?" she demanded. + +"Oh yes, I know about it," I answered; "it has stuff put round to keep +it warm in the winter, but I have never asked how old it is. You see +the dons more or less monopolize our gardens, so you can't expect us to +know much about them." + +"Notices are put up to say that certain parts of them are reserved for +the dons of the college, aren't they?" Foster said, and he laughed +again, but I said nothing. "I shall tell Nina the tale if you don't," +he added. + +"I should like to hear something amusing," Nina said, as if there was +not the slightest chance of her wish being gratified. + +"It's not very funny," I began, for I had a feeling that Mrs. Faulkner +would not like this tale. + +"Well, anything's better than nothing," Nina declared wisely, and so, +to pacify her, I continued. + +"These notices annoyed some men, so they dug a hole and bought a large +sort of milk-pail arrangement to fit into it and a box of sardines. +Then we filled the pail with water and put in the sardines, and Jack +Ward put up a little notice, 'This fishing is reserved for the dons of +the college. Licences may be obtained at the lodge.' The dons should +not be so greedy about the garden," I added, because Mrs. Faulkner +looked very disgusted. + +"Did you really make a large hole in that beautiful turf?" she asked at +once. "You began in the third person, but I expect you and this Mr. +Ward did it; you ought to have been rusticated, or whatever the word +is." + +"We were never found out, and the dons didn't mind; they thought it not +a bad joke of its kind," I answered. + +"Then their sense of humour must have become perverted," she replied. +"I think Mr. Ward must have a very bad influence over you." + +Nina laughed and said she insisted upon meeting Jack. + +"I sincerely hope you won't do anything of the kind," Mrs. Faulkner +stated. "The dons must know what is best for the undergraduates, and +such tricks are very unbecoming; I am sure my husband always admitted +this when he was at Cambridge." + +It was hardly fair to pull in Mr. Faulkner, so I said that I would get +some tea, which put an end to the discussion, for I did not think it +wise to say that I had asked Jack to meet Nina at luncheon on the +following day. By the time we had finished tea Fred was tired of Mrs. +Faulkner, and he slipped off with Nina in a way which was really too +clever to be very nice. Mrs. Faulkner, however, was quite amiable, and +she smiled on me steadily from the beginning of the Broad Walk to the +end of it, which as a feat of endurance I feel it my duty to mention. + +When we got down to the river the band was playing on the 'Varsity +barge, and Mrs. Faulkner really began to enjoy herself. The flags +flying from all the barges pleased her, and the smartness of the ladies +made her compare the scene to church parade on a June morning in Hyde +Park. I knew nothing about church parades and very little about Hyde +Park, but I said that I thought this must beat anything in London. +Then I got a chair for her and looked round to find Nina and Fred, but +as I could not see them anywhere, I said that I must go and hunt for +them. Mrs. Faulkner, however, had no intention of letting me go, and I +had to be a kind of Baedeker for over half-an-hour. I was not a very +good Baedeker, I confess, but I had found out that one way to make +things uncomfortable with this lady was not to answer every question +she asked, so I supplied her with a good deal of information which I +sincerely hope she never passed on to any one else. Unfortunately our +barge is near the 'Varsity's, and during the races a string of little +flags fly from the 'Varsity barge to show the order of the colleges on +the river. I knew them well enough down to ours, and I even knew the +ninth and tenth, but when Mrs. Faulkner wanted to know the whole lot, I +had to use my imagination. I know that I said Hertford twice and I +finished up with All Souls, who only have about three undergraduates, +so if they had rowed at all they would have been several men short. + +"I should like to write the colleges down if I had a pencil," she said; +"you rattle them off so fast. Didn't you say that one flag belonged to +the University, but the University flag is surely dark blue?" + +And then I had to explain that University was a college and not the +whole place, and she replied that she knew so much more about Cambridge +than Oxford, and complained that our colleges had very confusing names. +"Oriel!" she said scornfully, "it reminds me of a window, and then you +have no originality. Exeter, Worcester, Lincoln, why they are just +names of towns, you can find them all in Bradshaw." + +"Well, at any rate Bradshaw's got nothing to do with it," I replied. +"These colleges are hundreds of years old, and Bradshaw's a chicken +compared with them." + +"What dreadful slang. Fancy calling Bradshaw a chicken!" she +exclaimed. "Besides, you have a college called Keble, and my father +knew Dr. Keble, so that _can't_ be hundreds of years old. No, +Cambridge have chosen their names better than Oxford." + +"Sidney Sussex," I said, for I thought it necessary to make some reply; +"it's more like the name of one of Ouida's heroes than a college." + +She shook her head gently. "I can't get over your colleges sounding +like railway-stations," she answered. + +"You must blame the bishops who founded them and not Bradshaw or me," I +replied, for I was getting very tired. + +"Some one told me Keble is built of red-brick," she said. + +"Red-brick is so bright," I answered, but I wanted to say something +quite different, and at last a dim noise which quickly developed into a +tremendous roar told us that the boats were coming. + +Brasenose paddled home first, and not one of the next six boats were in +any danger of being caught. It was reserved for us and Merton to give +the people on the barges some excitement, but when I saw Merton +pressing us fearfully I wished that I was not hemmed in by a crowd of +ladies. I yelled tremendously because I could not help myself, and +Mrs. Faulkner, after saying something which I did not catch, put her +hands over her ears. But shouting was useless. The abominable thing +happened right in front of our barge, and when I saw our cox's hand go +up to show that all was over, it was a very bad moment indeed. + +"Poor St. Cuthbert's, how very unfortunate they are," I heard a girl +say; and some one else answered, "Yes, it's quite pathetic, so +different from what one used to expect from them, but I am told that +they are not the college they were." That remark made me feel furious, +and it was not until Mrs. Faulkner pulled my coat violently that I +remembered that she was sitting close to me. + +"Did you make a bump?" I heard her asking me. + +"No, Merton bumped us. We shall soon be sandwich boat," I answered, +for I spoke without thinking. + +"Sandwich boat, my dear Godfrey, is this a picnic?" she returned, and I +did not know whether she was serious or only trying to be funny. + +"There's not much picnic about it," I replied; "we've gone down four +places in four nights." + +"But what is a sandwich boat. They don't have such things at +Cambridge." + +"They do, at any rate my cousin rowed eight times in four nights and +nearly died after it. A sandwich boat is bottom of one division and +top of the other, so it has got to row in both; it's got nothing to do +with ham. Shall we go?" + +Every one was leaving the barges, but Mrs. Faulkner remained in her +chair. + +"Isn't that girl in mauve a perfect dream?" she said to me, but I +pretended not to hear. I had to wait for several minutes while dresses +and the people who wore them were criticized, and I am sure that +nothing but the National Anthem or force could have stirred Mrs. +Faulkner from her seat. + +We found Nina and Fred waiting for us, and Nina said she had been +having a splendid time on the Oriel barge. But I could think of +nothing except that we were not the college we used to be, and I left +Fred to talk to both Mrs. Faulkner and Nina. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE + +When I got back to my rooms after leaving Mrs. Faulkner and Nina I +found a note from Owen asking me to go and see him at once. Since he +had, until then, avoided me in every possible way I guessed that +something serious had happened, and when I got to his rooms in Lomax +Street, I found him in bed with a cough which ought to have frightened +his landlady instead of making her in a very bad temper. He was, +however, more worried about the interruption to his reading than +anxious about himself, and he said flatly that he could not afford to +have a doctor. I tried to cheer him up--but you can't cheer up a man +with a cough--and I told him I would come to him whenever he wanted me, +and made him promise he would send for me if I could do anything for +him. He did not seem to have a single friend in Oxford, and the +loneliness of the man made me feel absolutely wretched. + +I went to a very confidential chemist who knew nearly every man who had +ever been at Oxford, and everything under the sun, and explained to him +what sort of cough Owen had. He understood instantly, and said that he +would send a mixture which worked miracles, but I could not get Owen +off my mind at once, and when Jack Ward came in very late to see me I +sat up talking to him until a most unrighteous hour, with the result +that I lay in bed the next morning until I was perfectly tired of my +scout coming to call me. + +A letter from my mother was on my table in which she said that I was on +no account to allow Nina to interrupt my reading, but I had only just +finished breakfast, when Mrs. Faulkner and Nina came into my rooms. +Mrs. Faulkner fixed her eyes on the tea-pot and said nothing; Nina, +however, asked if everybody in Oxford breakfasted at eleven o'clock. I +had not expected them, and was consequently a little flurried; the +truth is that I was not properly dressed, which handicapped my +movements considerably. Decency compelled me to keep my legs under the +table, until I could slip into my bedder. I was not in a condition to +treat visitors who goaded at my laziness with any courage; tact was the +only thing possible. In my agitation I did not notice that Nina had +put on the clock quite twenty minutes, and when she asked me if I was +going to sit in front of the marmalade for the rest of the day, I had +to reply that I thought it was rather a good place to sit. I had +managed to hide myself behind the table-cloth when I stood up to wish +them good-morning, but I simply did not dare to move again. + +Mrs. Faulkner fluttered round the room looking at photographs; the bare +knees of the Rugger XV. compelled her to say that she did not think +them at all nice. I put my legs farther under the table and felt like +blushing. She began to suspect that I was hiding something, and I am +afraid she was the sort of woman who did not understand, until she had +discovered them, that there are some things which had better remain +hidden. She tried little tricks to entice me from my seat, and even +came and examined the table-cloth, which was ordinary enough, though +she said it was a beautiful one. I did not see how a white table-cloth +could be beautiful, but I clutched it most fervently and her ruse +failed. She then asked me if a plate which had cost +elevenpence-farthing was Wedgwood, and asked me to take it off the wall +so that she might see the mark on the back. I told her I had bought it +at the Japanese shop and mentioned the sum it cost, but she declared +that I had got a bargain and she must have it down. I replied that it +was a fixture, though I meant that I was, and that no one had ever been +known to find a bargain in a Japanese shop. Then she grew plaintive; +"I think you might please me in this, Godfrey," she said. + +The time had come for me to take Nina into my confidence. Mrs. +Faulkner's eyes were fixed on the plate and her back was turned to me; +I poked out one leg tentatively and Nina understood. There was one +splendid thing about Nina, you could always rely upon her in a crisis. +She took up a chair at once and said that she would get the plate down; +she added that unless I sat still after meals I might have very bad +indigestion, but that was too much for Mrs. Faulkner. + +"I shouldn't think Godfrey has had indigestion in his life," she said. +"I don't believe he has ever heard of pepsine. He is in a +disgracefully bad temper; there is nothing else the matter with him as +far as I can see." + +"He was a very delicate child," Nina answered, "and has always been +quite disgracefully spoilt. He never does anything which he doesn't +like." I felt that Nina was over-playing her part, but I could not +defend myself. + +"It is so nice having Nina here to do things for me," I said meekly; +"and I hope you don't mind me treating you as if you are a relation," I +added to Mrs. Faulkner. + +"I do mind very much; nothing is an excuse for being lazy and +ill-natured. I was brought up in the old school, I suppose," she +answered, and I wished to goodness she had never left it. + +Nina got up on the chair and pretended that she could not reach the +plate. + +"Now if you stood up here you could reach it," she said, turning round +to Mrs. Faulkner. + +"But Godfrey will surely not allow me to do that," she replied. + +"I always said that you were taller than Nina," I could not help +remarking, for Nina prided herself on being about three inches taller +than she was; and she had said all sorts of things about me. + +"I wonder if I could reach the plate," Mrs. Faulkner said. + +"It would be rather a sporting thing to try," I answered. "Nina +couldn't reach it." + +"I think not," she returned; "I might fall over backwards." And she +sat down carefully in my biggest arm-chair. + +My scout came in to clear away breakfast, and the situation was +desperate. I picked up a piece of toast hastily and told him to come +back in half-an-hour. Mrs. Faulkner had taken her seat behind me, and +I could only turn with difficulty to talk to her; while Nina's +enthusiasm on my behalf seemed to have waned since her plot to get Mrs. +Faulkner on the chair had failed. If I had only dressed the lower part +of myself properly instead of the top part it would not have mattered +so much, but as it was a collar and a St. Cuthbert's XI. tie were +superfluous when other more necessary garments were lacking. I was on +the point of throwing myself upon the mercy of Mrs. Faulkner and of +explaining to her that a lot of men I knew wore very short pyjama +trousers and no socks in the mornings if they intended to read, when +Murray burst into my rooms and almost asked me why I had cut a lecture +before he saw that I had visitors. + +I introduced him, and in the same breath declared that he would be +delighted to show his rooms. I was becoming reckless, and did not care +if he thought me mad. I went on to say that he had some splendid +prints which Mrs. Faulkner would like to see, and Nina was kind enough +to ask him if he would mind very much if they invaded his rooms. He +saw that something odd was happening; but Mrs. Faulkner was looking at +me, and I could make only one sign to him. I reached as far as I could +under the table and having kicked off a bedroom slipper, I stuck out +enough toes to tell him as much as he wanted to know. + +"Will you come?" he asked Mrs. Faulkner. "I am afraid I have only one +print; but I should like you to see my rooms." + +Mrs. Faulkner said that she would be delighted. + +"Let us all go," she added; "I am sure Godfrey has been sitting long +enough at that table." + +"I will be with you in two minutes," I answered. + +Murray stood aside for them to go out, and closed the door behind him, +and I fairly bolted into my bedroom. But in two minutes I was dressed +and able to go to Murray's rooms, armed with the most beautiful +suggestions for spending the day. + +"Will your digestion really allow you to walk about so soon?" Mrs. +Faulkner asked. + +"He never has anything the matter with him," Murray said, with all the +thoughtlessness of a dyspeptic. "He used to eat huge lunches, and then +play footer; there's not much wrong with a man like that." + +"You don't know what I have suffered in secret," I replied; and Nina +now that I was clothed again turned upon me and said, "Have you known +him all these years and not found that out, Mrs. Faulkner?" + +"There is a good deal about Godfrey that I don't quite understand," was +the answer, and since I could not wonder at that, I begged to be +allowed to take her wherever she wished to go. + +We strolled about Oxford until lunch-time, and I answered every +question asked me, and most of my answers were accurate. For I had +been careful enough to take an Oxford guide-book to bed with me, and +had not entirely wasted the early morning. In fact Mrs. Faulkner's +visit forced me to see that I knew very little about Oxford. My +guide-book knowledge was so condensed that it was more satisfying than +satisfactory, and if I had been asked what I charged per hour, I should +have had no right to be angry. + +However, I did march Mrs. Faulkner and Nina round some of the sights of +the place. I showed them the Bodleian, All Souls, Shelley's memorial, +and finally brought them to a shady seat in Addison's Walk. I had been +compelled to hurry for two reasons; in the first place we had not very +much time, and secondly, my knowledge was not proof against the string +of questions which only want of breath could stop Mrs. Faulkner from +asking. I should imagine that a large number of men never find out how +great their ignorance of Oxford is until they have to show people round +it, and I candidly confess that on this day I was ashamed of myself. I +was more at home in Addison's Walk than in any other place to which I +had taken them, for it was in the open air, and also there was +something about Addison and Steele and Gay which made me like them. +The coffee-houses at which they met must have had some mysterious +attraction for me, I think, and led me on to read what they had +written. I should have liked to have Sir Roger de Coverley for my +uncle, and I cannot imagine a nicer man to have a day's fishing with +than Will Wimble. I hated Pope as much as I liked Addison, and though +Mrs. Faulkner said he was a great satirist, I thought of him only as a +man who wrote most disagreeable things about his friends. + +"It is necessary to separate the man from his work, if you are to be a +good critic," Mrs. Faulkner said, and though this remark may be true +enough I did not answer it, for Nina was looking extremely bored by the +conversation we had been having about Addison. + +"We may as well go to Oriel and find Fred," I suggested, and Nina got +up at once. + +"Unfortunately the art of satire is dead, drowned by exaggeration," +Mrs. Faulkner said as we went through the cloisters. + +"I think it's a better death than it deserves, don't you, Nina?" I +replied. + +"I know nothing whatever about it," she answered. + +"Abuse has taken the place of satire," Mrs. Faulkner continued. + +"And a jolly good job, too," I said, for Nina's face of disgust made me +forget to whom I was talking; "it is those sly digs in the ribs which +make me ill." + +"My dear Godfrey, what dreadful slang you use. A few minutes ago you +surprised me by being interested in English literature, and now you +talk as if there had never been such a thing." + +"You surprised me, too," I said, for I felt as if I had concealed +enough for one day. + +"How? Do tell me," Mrs. Faulkner said quickly. + +"I should not have thought that you cared about Addison or any of those +old people," I answered, but I began to wish I had been more cautious. + +"Why not?" + +"Oh, I don't know." + +"But, why not?" + +"Well, I thought you were more modern." + +"I don't know what you mean," she said. + +"I am sure I don't," I answered; and as we passed Long Wall Street I +managed to get on the far side of Nina, and to beseech her to say +something. + +"I insist on you telling me what you mean," I heard Mrs. Faulkner say, +but before I could even think of my answer Nina had come to my rescue +by declaring that she admired the hat of a girl who was walking in +front of us. It was a flower-garden hat, and looked more like an +advertisement for somebody's seeds than a decent covering for the head. +Nina's remark, however, turned Mrs. Faulkner's attention away from me, +and we listened to a lecture on taste until we were safely in Oriel. + +But Fred was not forthcoming, and Mrs. Faulkner promptly decided that +he was working. Comparisons, in which I took no kind of interest, were +drawn between his industry and my laziness. I endured them in silence, +though I could have given Fred away had I liked, for his cap and gown +were both in his rooms, and I knew that he was more probably batting in +a net than taking notes at a lecture. + +After looking round Oriel, Mrs. Faulkner and Nina went back to the +Rudolf, and I said that I must go to St. Cuthbert's and see that their +luncheon had not been forgotten. Mrs. Faulkner smiled at me +sorrowfully when I left her, and I believe she intended me to believe +that I had hurt her feelings very much. If I live to threescore years +and ten I shall not understand Mrs. Faulkner. I felt very bothered +that morning, for Nina and Mrs. Faulkner would not be in a good temper +at the same time; but I met Dennison in the quad, who introduced me to +his mother, two sisters, two cousins and an aunt. He looked quite +tired, and asked me to luncheon, but unless he had engaged the biggest +room at the Sceptre I should think he must have been glad when I +refused. He was, however, most palpably short of men. I had hardly +got rid of Dennison when I ran into Lambert, escorting four more ladies +with prodigiously long names; I think he must have found them at the +theatre, and he looked more pleased with himself than ever. When I got +back to my rooms I felt quite thankful that my party had not reached an +unwieldy size, and I had not to wait long before Mrs. Faulkner, Nina +and Fred all arrived together. + +It is no use trying to give a luncheon party in a very small room, +which was not built for parties of any kind, unless every one is +prepared to be thoroughly uncomfortable. You have got to put dishes +wherever they will go and worry through as best you can. I had taken +quite a lot of trouble over the food, and the size of the room was not +my fault. My scout had made many subtle dispositions of furniture, but +the fact remained that the table was not made to hold five people, +unless the whole lot were really good sorts. So I was delighted to +find that Mrs. Faulkner was in her amiable mood and to hear her say +that she was prepared for anything, though had I not been so sure that +she would be inconvenienced, not to say squashed, before she finished, +I am not sure that I should have accepted this reckless mood as much of +a compliment. The table was so crowded that it was not easy to see how +many people were expected to sit at it, and I was not surprised when +Nina suggested that we should begin luncheon. I pretended not to hear +what she said, and poked my head into a cupboard in the vain hope that +I might find something which I did not know I had lost. Mrs. Faulkner, +however, ranged herself by the table and counted the napkins. + +"Five," I heard her say, and I withdrew my head from the cupboard and +whispered "Jack Ward" to Nina. + +"Five," Mrs. Faulkner repeated and looked at Nina, Fred and me, as if +she was holding a roll-call. + +"Who's the fifth?" Fred asked; "at any rate, I vote we begin." + +At that moment I heard some one rushing up-stairs several steps at a +time. Outside my door he stopped to get some breath, and when I +introduced him to Mrs. Faulkner and Nina he was so apologetic for being +late that it was quite difficult for me to stop him. I must say that +Mrs. Faulkner tried to adapt herself to the spirit of this luncheon. +There was not much shyness about Jack Ward, and in a very few minutes +Mrs. Faulkner was fairly beaming upon him. She found out that she knew +his cousins, and Jack, who would say anything to please any lady, +declared that he had often heard of her. As he asked me afterwards +what her name was, I had to tell him that he was a regular humbug, but +he said that he was sure that she was the kind of lady who liked to +think she was never forgotten, and it was a pity to miss a harmless +chance of making her feel pleased. + +At first I think Jack made her almost too pleased, and later on there +was rather a distinct reaction. She was not content with discovering +his cousins, but also found out that his father was what she called a +most generous benefactor. "The sort of man who does so much good +quietly, so unlike those noisy, discomforting people who will give +something if somebody will give something else. Charity ought not to +be limited by conditions," I heard her say. + +"I don't think my father exactly throws his money about," Jack said. + +"I am sure he doesn't," Mrs. Faulkner agreed readily. + +"I mean that if he gives a lot away he expects to make a lot besides. +He is a business man, you see," Jack returned. + +"Business men are the backbone of England," Mrs. Faulkner said at once. + +"But they aren't heroes or anybody of that kind," Jack answered. + +Mrs. Faulkner shook her head sorrowfully. "You young men are all +alike, you will never allow your parents to have any virtues." + +I was on the point of breaking a silence which had been extraordinarily +prolonged, but Jack got ahead of me. + +"I know every one is always saying that," he began, "but I don't think +it is true. If you praised my father for being generous he would +simply laugh at you. He isn't built that way, you see, and he would +think anybody a fool who gave a tremendous lot without hoping to get +something back. It is a matter of business with him and he is honest +enough to admit it." + +"You do allow that he is honest," Mrs. Faulkner put in. + +"Of course," Jack replied quite good-temperedly, "only no one cares to +brag about their relations unless they want to be called a snob or a +bore. It wouldn't do, you see, for a man to go about declaring that he +had an uncle who was miles ahead of everybody else's uncle, or an aunt +who could give a start to any other aunt in the world." + +"It depends upon what sort of start the aunt gave," Nina, who had been +talking to Fred, remarked, and I knew by her smile that she intended +this for humour; but Fred did not hear what she said, or I expect he +would have laughed. Sometimes he was very weak with Nina. + +"I am to believe then," Mrs. Faulkner said, "that all of you are very +proud of your parents, only it is what you call bad form to admit it." + +Jack gave a great laugh which made everything rattle on the table, and +Mrs. Faulkner, being unaccustomed to him, looked surprised. + +"Why is it such a joke?" she asked. + +"I am sorry," Jack replied; "I laugh sometimes quite unexpectedly, in +my bath and places like that. I think my nerves must be wrong." + +"Cigarettes," Mrs. Faulkner declared. "I think I shall write to the +papers about the University man of the day; I don't understand him in +the least," and I unfortunately caught Fred's eye and smiled. Her +statement seemed to account for so much unnecessary correspondence. + +"Do," Jack answered, "and Foster, Godfrey and I will answer it." + +"There wouldn't be much to write, which any one who hasn't been at +Cambridge or here would believe," Fred said. + +"Why not?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. + +"Because they wouldn't understand that a great many men amuse +themselves in odd ways and yet are not complete idiots. If you saw us +dancing round a bonfire you might think we were all mad, but we aren't +a bit." + +"I shouldn't choose a bonfire to dance round," Mrs. Faulkner said. + +"That's just it," Fred replied; "but it's very good sport when you +happen to like it." + +The college messenger came into the room with a note for me which was +marked "urgent," and I asked if I might read it. Jack Ward was the +only man who ever wanted me in a hurry, and so confident was I in the +infallibility of my chemist that I was not thinking of Owen. When I +had finished reading the note I found that the conversation had taken a +more lively turn. + +"It is so fortunate I brought something fit to wear," Mrs. Faulkner was +saying. + +"I have only got four tickets, I wish I had got one for you," Fred said +to Jack Ward, and then I remembered that Fred had promised to get +tickets for the Brasenose ball which was taking place that evening. + +"You can have mine," I told Jack Ward. + +"Of course I can't do that," Jack answered; "I expect I can get one all +right, if I may join you." + +Nina, who was nothing if not expeditious, said that he had better go at +once and see if he could get a ticket, but I stopped him by repeating +that he could have mine. + +"It won't be used unless you take it," I added. + +Every one except Fred, who saw that something had happened, led me to +believe that I was very disagreeable and foolish. + +"We arranged last night that we should go if Fred could get the +tickets," Nina said, and then by way of propitiating me she told me +that I knew how well I danced. + +"You will spoil Nina's evening," Mrs. Faulkner declared, and Nina, I +must say, was pouting most magnificently. + +"Why can't you come?" she asked. "Has it got anything to do with that +wretched note?" + +"Not another row?" Jack Ward put in most inconsiderately. + +"Fred never said anything about it till too late," I answered; "he kept +the whole thing so dark." + +"I knew before luncheon," Nina replied, as if she had settled me +completely. + +I managed to let Fred know that I wanted him to read the note, and +having opened the Oxford "Mag" no one saw that he had got the letter +inside the pages. For a minute I persuaded Jack steadfastly to take my +ticket and he refused with determination. If it had not been that Nina +was upset very easily, and Mrs. Faulkner had been known to have +hysteria without giving any one a moment's notice, I would have +brandished the note in their faces instead of standing first on one leg +and then on the other and looking a most hopeless fool. + +I did not know what to say next, when Fred put down the magazine and +joined us by the window. + +"If you can't well manage to come to-night," he said, "and it was most +awfully stupid of me not to tell you at once that we were going, I am +sure Ward will have this ticket," and he pulled it out of his pocket +and simply made Jack take it. + +"I don't really think I can go, though I will turn up if I can," I +said, and Fred made the most of my promise and talked so much that +before I had to say anything else I found that he had persuaded Mrs. +Faulkner and Nina to go down to the river and watch Oriel rowing in the +earlier division. I went with them as far as the college lodge and +then I disappeared, for the note which I had received upset all my +hopes of enjoying myself for the rest of the day. + +The first part of it was from Owen, who said he was feeling dreadfully +ill, but the second part was written by his landlady, and she seemed to +be in a terrible temper. As far as I could make out Owen was very much +worse and still refused to have a doctor. "He says," his landlady +wrote, "that if I send for a physician he won't pay him and I was up +last night five times and who is going to stand it cough he coughs +something awful and what's going to happen I don't know I expect he's +got typhoid fever or something horrible." She did not use any stops, +but that might have been because she was in a hurry; clearly, however, +she was very angry, and there was only one thing for me to do. + +I went round to Lomax Street as fast as I could, and I had no sooner +got inside the house then I heard Owen coughing. I found his landlady +in the state her letter had suggested I should find her, she was +infinitely more sorry for herself than she was for Owen, and since he +was too ill for her to get any satisfaction from visiting her grievance +upon him she started off upon me. + +"You are his friend," she said as she met me in the passage, "and you +ought to have been here before. I was just doing myself up before +putting on my bonnet to go out and report this case." + +"To whom were you going to report it?" I asked, for I felt very much as +if I should like to know. + +"You can report it now, I put all responsibility upon you," she stated +loudly, and she took me up-stairs and announced me in a voice which +would have shaken the nerves of a strong man. I could not put up with +her any longer and I told her abruptly to go. She went energetically, +her shoulders protesting against my rudeness, and she marched down the +stairs with as much noise as she could make without hurting her feet. +I am glad that there are very few landladies left, at least in Oxford, +who look upon any illness as an opportunity for showing how nasty they +can be. I simply hated that woman, and before I had done with her I +was weak enough to tell her so. I was defeated in that battle of plain +speaking. To me, unaccustomed to illness, Owen looked as bad as anyone +could look, and apart from his cough and his temperature he had got all +sorts of worries on his mind which he wanted me to hear. I listened to +what he said without interrupting him, but I was impressed with the +fact that I must creep about a sick-room, and I am afraid I was +ostentatiously quiet. His troubles had to do with the expenses of his +illness, and he beseeched me not to send for a doctor or a nurse. I +tried to set his mind at rest, but I failed; he saw that I thought him +very ill, and when I moved round the room on tiptoe he asked me to make +as much noise as I liked. I was no use as a sick nurse, and my efforts +to make the room look fit to live in, though meant splendidly, seemed +to me to make the place more uncomfortable and cheerless than ever. + +I promised faithfully that I would stay with him during the night, but +he could not make me say that I would not see a doctor, and as soon as +I could I went off and got a man whom I had once met at a smoking +conceit. This doctor was a bustling little man who did not sympathize +with nonsense, and I had to explain a lot of things before I made him +understand that this was a peculiar case. + +"What is the good of you sitting up all night, even if it is +necessary," he said to me as we walked from his house to Lomax Street; +"you would certainly go to sleep and do more harm than good." + +"Owen has a fairly bad cough," I answered. + +"If it is bad enough to keep you awake he ought to have a proper nurse." + +"He doesn't want to have a proper nurse, he is rather hard up," I said. + +"Pish," was his only answer, but when he got to Owen's rooms I should +think he must have known that I had spoken the truth. + +I got leave from the Subby to stay with Owen during the night, but I +cannot say that I was a successful nurse. I took some books with me +because I thought it would be a good opportunity to do some reading, +but of course I went to sleep, and woke up with a snort which would +have made me unpopular in any dormitory in the world. Owen was so much +worse in the morning that he had to be moved out of his wretched +lodgings into a place where he would be properly looked after. + +I went back to St. Cuthbert's about eleven o'clock in a state of +horrible depression. I had promised to pay all the expenses of this +illness, and how I was to do it I had not an idea. The year was nearly +over and my funds were exceedingly low, but I could not help making +Owen believe that I had more money than I knew how to spend. + +Outside St. Cuthbert's I met Mrs. Faulkner and Nina, and while Mrs. +Faulkner was commenting upon my dejected appearance Nina told me +frankly that I looked dirty. + +"I have been up all night," I said, for there was no longer any reason +why I should not explain what had happened. + +"We were not in bed until four o'clock," Nina answered proudly. + +"What have you been doing?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. + +"I have been nursing a man who is ill," I replied. + +"Infectious?" Mrs. Faulkner asked breathlessly. + +"Pneumonia, double pneumonia, I believe," I answered. + +"And you heard about it yesterday afternoon?" Nina said. + +"Yes." + +"Then why didn't you tell us?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. "Fred and Nina +have been quarrelling about you, and I have said the most awful things. +You really might have more consideration." + +"I thought it would spoil your dance if I told you; I didn't know what +was the matter with the man." + +"You are a dear, Godfrey," Nina said, and she linked her arm in mine. + +"I am an idiot if you want to call me any names," I replied. + +"You were always that," Nina said in the manner which is called +playful; "we are just going to see Mr. Ward, who is perfectly charming; +won't you come with us?" + +"I am going to have a bath, and then I must see Fred." + +Nina looked displeased. + +"What's the matter with Fred?" I asked. + +"He's as perfect as usual," Nina answered, and swung her parasol to +show that she was not interested in him. + +"We are blocking the street, and you nearly hit a man in the eye with +that thing," I said. + +"You will be in a better temper when you are cleaner," Nina retorted. + +"We go down at 4.15," Mrs. Faulkner said as we went into the lodge; "we +are going on some river, the one that isn't deep, in a punt with Mr. +Ward, and he is taking luncheon for us. Do you think it is quite safe, +Godfrey?" + +"Quite, if Nina doesn't try to punt," I answered. + +"Must we go away this afternoon?" Nina asked. + +"My dear, I have three, if not four, people arriving to-night," Mrs. +Faulkner replied. + +"I will be at the station to see you off," I said, for even if they +wanted me I did not feel like punting on the Cherwell. + +I pointed out Jack Ward's rooms to Nina, and had walked half-way across +the quad when Mrs. Faulkner called me back. + +"I hope your friend is better?" she asked. + +"He has only just begun to be ill," I answered. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +MISHAPS + +After I had been to my rooms and had a bath I went round to Oriel to +see Fred, but he was not in his rooms, so I left a note to tell him +that he must come to luncheon with me. Then I rushed back to St. +Cuthbert's and went to hear Mr. Edwardes lecturing. I missed the +beginning of the lecture, and I might just as well have stayed away +altogether, for Mr. Edwardes asked me to speak to him at the end of it, +though what he meant was that he was going to speak while I was to +listen. Grave things were happening, at least I thought them grave, +and Mr. Edwardes had nothing whatever to do with them. While he talked +to me I was trying by a process of mental arithmetic to discover how +much money I had to my credit in the bank; the voice which I heard +seemed to me to belong to bygone ages, and I was so worried by actual +and present facts that I could not screw up a vestige of interest in +antiquities. I know that it was always my fate to arouse either the +irony or the anger of my tutor, for to other men he was far more +pleasant than he was to me, but I could not help thinking of him as +representative of a system which could never influence me in the least. +He soon discovered that I was paying no attention to him, and I suppose +that I must have got most vigorously on his nerves, for he really +became quite humanly angry, I must have been nearer to an understanding +with him at that moment than I had ever been. But when his rage +abated, his lips snapped and the thunderbolts ceased. He went on too +long and became sarcastic again, as if ashamed of being properly angry, +and I left him with the usual hopeless feeling that we should never +understand each other. + +I went into the common room as I was crossing the quad, and before I +had been there two minutes Dennison came in with Lambert and two or +three other men of their set. No one else was in the room except +Murray, who was reading, and absolutely refused to talk to me about +Edwardes, so I turned over various papers until Dennison asked me if I +did not think our eight was quite the most comically bad boat I had +ever seen. + +"The whole college is going to the deuce," I answered. + +"You look as if you were up late last night, and have got a fair old +head on this morning," Dennison declared. + +"I haven't been to bed at all, if you want to know," I said. + +"Going to the deuce with the rest of the college, well, you have the +consolation of being quite the most amusing man in it." + +I think I was fool enough to say that I was not amusing. + +"Not consciously," Dennison replied, "but I get more fun from you than +from anybody, and when you are in a serious mood you are the most comic +man I know. He's delicious, isn't he, Lambert?" + +"If you can't see the funny side of our eight, you must be a madman," +Lambert said to me. + +"We used to be head of the river, and now we can't row for sour +apples," Dennison chuckled, "the thing's a perfect pantomime." + +"And you are the stupidest clown in it," I said suddenly, for although +I did not want to lose my temper the "sour apples" expression, on the +top of being told that I had "a fair old head," compelled me to say +something. + +"One to Marten," Lambert said, as he stalked about the room; they were +a most trying lot to have anything to do with. Everything they said +was just the thing that made me want to get away from them, and +Dennison had told me once that he considered conversation a very fine +art. + +It would have been wise of me to have gone away without waiting for +Dennison's attempts to get level with me, but I felt like staying where +I was. + +"Poor old fellow," Dennison groaned, "he sits up all night, and then +his conscience smites him and his head aches, and he thinks the college +is going to the deuce and is to be saved from perdition by his being +rude. What you want, old chap, is a sedlitz powder; go and have one, +and you won't be so gloomy, you may even smile when you see our eight +bumped to-night." + +"You laugh and jeer at our boat when it goes down, but I'll bet you +would be the first to kick up a row if we ever make any bumps again, +though you don't care whether we go to the bottom of the river and stop +there," I answered. + +"I don't see that it matters," Lambert put in, "and I would much rather +be bottom than bottom but one or even two, there's something dignified +about being absolutely last." + +"Take a sedlitz powder and become a philosopher," Dennison suggested. + +"I always thought your philosophy was founded on something confoundedly +odd," I returned, "and now I know all about it." + +"I suppose you think that very witty," he replied, and he almost lost +his temper, "but though I may not be much of a philosopher I am a +first-rate doctor, so when a man wants medicine I tell him so." + +"Thanks," I said. + +"You are on the wrong track," he went on, beginning to smile again, +"the wretched school-boy notion of being sick to death when you are +beaten at anything is all humbug here, the thing to do is to laugh +whatever happens, and to-day you look as if you hadn't a laugh left in +you." + +"That's sitting up all night," Lambert said, "you can't laugh all day +and night." + +Then I told them that if they wanted to see the college perfectly +useless at everything they must be the biggest fools in Oxford, and I +appealed to Murray to support me, because Dennison never spoke to him +if he could help doing so. + +"It is much easier to laugh than it is to row," was all Murray said, +and he went out of the room at once. + +"That man's the most complete prig in the 'Varsity," Dennison declared, +"and as long as a college has a lot of men like him in it nothing else +matters. We don't want smugs here." + +"Murray," I said solidly, "is neither a prig nor a smug, and as you +have never said half-a-dozen words to him you can't possibly know +anything about him." + +"A smug is always labelled," he answered, "and that man looks one from +his hat to his boots, don't you think so, Lambert?" + +Of course Lambert thought so, and I, having already said much more than +I intended, was just going to say a lot more, when a whole crowd of men +came into the room and saved me from the impossible task of making +Dennison believe that he could make a mistake. + +I went back to my rooms and found Fred waiting for me, but from the way +I banged my note-book on the table and threw my gown into a corner, I +should not think that he expected me to be very pleasant. Fred, +however, understood me, and it seems to me that I have always been very +lucky in having one friend who never tried to make out that I was in a +good temper when I was in a bad one. Some people when they suspect +that you are angry ask silly little questions just to find out if their +suspicious are true, but Fred always left me alone. He simply took no +notice of me at all, and though that was very annoying, it was not half +as bad as a string of questions or a lot of stupid remarks about things +which I did not want to hear. I banged about the room tremendously, +but Fred went on reading _The Sportsman_ and waited for me to become +fit to speak to. + +At last I threw myself into a chair close to him. + +"For goodness' sake stop reading that blessed paper," I said; "why I +take the wretched thing I don't know, who cares whether Kent beats +Lancashire or whether Cambridge makes four hundred against the M.C.C." + +"You and I do," Fred answered, and tossed _The Sportsman_ on to the +table. + +"I have been waiting here for half-an-hour to hear what has happened, +but you seem to be in such an infernally bad temper that I should think +I had better go. There is a very fair chance of a row if I stay here, +for I can't stand much to-day," he went on, when I had picked up the +paper to see who had made the runs for Cambridge. + +"What's wrong with you?" I asked. + +"Everything." + +"Did you have a good ball?" + +"Perfectly rotten." + +"Did Nina get plenty of partners?" + +"Crowds." + +"And you didn't feel like going on the 'Cher' this morning?" + +"I have had two pros bowling to me," he answered, "I was bowled about a +dozen times. Besides I wasn't asked to go on the 'Cher.'" + +"Nina and Mrs. Faulkner said all sorts of things about me last night?" + +"Who told you so?" + +"They did." + +"Sometimes Nina's temper isn't any better than yours," he said. "What +happened to you? How's Owen?" + +"Owen is very bad," I answered, and while we had lunch I told him what +I had been doing. "In a few hours I have made a fool of myself three +times," I said, "I've promised to pay for Owen, and I have had rows +with both Edwardes and Dennison. This college is going to blazes, and +it is men like Edwardes, who is a great lump of ice, and Dennison, who +just wants to be a blood in his own miserable little way, who will be +responsible. Edwardes never cares what happens, and Dennison is +collecting a set round him who can do nothing but wear waistcoats, eat +and drink. You have all the luck in belonging to a college where men +don't become bloods by drinking hard, and where everybody takes an +interest in the place. St. Cuthbert's will never get a decent fresher +to come to it if we don't do something to make it alive again." + +Fred stretched himself and yawned, all the life seemed to have gone out +of him in some way. + +"You wouldn't like to belong to a college which has been something and +is on the road to be nothing," I said. + +"It takes a lot to ruin a college," he answered; "every one knows that +St. Cuthbert's is a good enough place, and one man like Dennison won't +make much difference." + +"Won't he? you don't know him as well as I do. He'd ruin the Bank of +England if he could be the only director for a year." + +"But there are heaps of other men besides him." + +"No one seems to care; we just live on our reputation, and when +Dennison is no longer a fresher he will wreck the whole place, he is +clever enough to do it." + +"You are in a villainous temper and exaggerate everything," Fred said. + +"You know that Oriel is all right, and you don't care what happens to +us," I retorted, and then Fred woke up and we very nearly had a +terrific row. + +The remembrance of this day still makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am +quite certain that Fred was the only man in Oxford who could have put +up with me. I simply walked from quarrel to quarrel, and I seemed to +want each one to be more violent than the last. Now I come to think of +it, it is possible that Dennison's advice was sound; I must certainly +have needed something which I did not take, but after all I think a +long sleep was probably what I wanted. At any rate I was a most +unpleasant companion, and Fred told me afterwards that he had not known +me for so many years, without finding out that I could be thoroughly +unreasonable when I had a really bad day. + +Undoubtedly that day was a very bad one, and when any one stays up all +night I advise him to go to bed during the next day, just to save +trouble. + +We had arrived at a state of silence, for I had nothing left to say, +and Fred refused to say anything, when Jack Ward strolled into the +room, as if he had nothing more than usual to do, and had just come to +waste his time and mine. He must have tried to make what is called a +dramatic entry, for most people who were in his condition would have +hurried up for all they were worth. He was wet through from head to +foot, his collar hung round his neck like a dirty rag, and his whole +appearance reminded me of a scarecrow which has suffered dreadfully +from the weather. + +"What has happened?" I asked at once, for he walked straight up to an +empty bottle and shook his head mournfully. + +"Nothing," he answered, "except that your sister fell into the 'Cher' +and I hauled her out, and Mrs. What's-her-name shrieked and had +hysterics. They are all right now, but as soon as I got your sister to +the bank, I had to throw water over the other lady; I began by +sprinkling her face, but as she rather liked that I had to give her a +regular good dose, and then she opened her eyes and said her dress was +spoilt. I must have some hot whisky, or I shall catch cold." + +We besieged Jack with questions, but we did not get much satisfaction +from his replies. + +"It was all my fault," he said. "I thought I could teach your sister +to punt, and she fell in and I pulled her out. I have told you that +before." + +"Nina can swim," I said. + +"There wasn't much time to think about that, besides, she had a long +dress on. I am afraid we made rather a sensation when I got a cab for +them down at Magdalen." + +"We must go round at once," I said to Fred. + +"I don't think it is much good doing that," Jack went on. "I am +awfully sorry that it happened, because Mrs. Faulkner was annoyed at +first, and that was bad enough, but just before I left it suddenly +occurred to her that I was very plucky and ought to be thanked, which +was much worse. She says they are both going to bed until it is time +for them to get up and catch the train. In that way she hopes to avoid +the most serious consequences. Your sister thinks it rather a good +joke; I hope she won't catch a bad cold." + +"You had better go and change," I said, and I asked Fred if he would +come to the Rudolf, but he said that it was no use for him to go if +Mrs. Faulkner and Nina were in bed, and that he would meet me at the +station. Then I said something to Jack about it being awfully good of +him to have jumped into the "Cher" to fish Nina out, but I was very +glad when he asked me to shut up, for Fred was looking more gloomy than +ever, and I am sure that he, having seen Nina swimming heaps of times, +thought the whole thing was thoroughly stupid. I did not quite know +what to think about it, but I wished most sincerely that Nina had never +tried to punt. + +Fred walked with me for a short way down the Broad, but stopped by +Balliol, and said he was going in to see a man. + +"This affair is a horrid nuisance," I remarked. + +"Nina wouldn't drown very easily," he returned. + +"But she had a long dress on," and of this remark Fred took no notice. + +"I don't think I shall come down to the station," he said; "will you +wish Mrs. Faulkner and Nina good-bye from me?" + +"No, I won't," I replied, and we stared at each other so hard that we +were nearly run over by a cab; "you must come, do come to please me." + +"You do such a precious lot to make me want to please you," he +retorted, and he looked most desperately down on his luck. + +"Do forget all about this afternoon. I didn't mean one word I said." + +"You said a precious lot. I'll come all right, but they won't want to +see me," and he walked off before I could tell him that they had better +want to see him, or I would have even another row. + +When I got to the Rudolf I sent up a card to Nina on which I wrote +something which at the moment I thought funny. But she did not seem to +see the humour of it, for she sent me down an angry little note in +which she told me to go away and meet her at four o'clock. I went away +sorrowfully, for there was a sense of importance about that note which +told me that Nina was not going to tumble into the Cher for nothing, +and I knew I should hear more than enough about it before long. + +But I did not think that I should be made to suffer until I got to the +station. But when your luck is dead out it is wise to be prepared for +anything. + +I strolled aimlessly down the Corn-market, and having nothing whatever +to do, I turned into the Union to read the papers, or write a letter to +my brother, or do anything to pass the time. I stood in the hall for +some minutes looking at, but not reading, the telegrams; I was trying +to remember whether it was my turn to write to my brother or his to +write to me, and two or three men who found me planted in front of the +telegrams shoved me a little, so I moved away and met a man whom I knew. + +"Halloa, Marten," he said, "I've just seen the pluckiest thing; that +man Ward, you know him, fairly saved a girl's life. She fell out of a +punt on the Cher, a pretty girl too. Ward's a lucky brute, you ought +to have been there." + +"I've heard all about it," I answered. + +"But it only happened an hour ago." + +"Ward told me, he didn't think much of it." + +"Well, you should have seen him, I tell you he did it splendidly; I +always thought he was a friend of yours, but you don't look very keen. +However, it's something to talk about," he said, as he strolled off to +find some one who would suit him better than I did. + +I drifted from the hall to one of the smoking-rooms, where I sat down +next to a big, bearded man, who was wearing a most extraordinary wide +pair of trousers, and who looked as if he would discourage the attempts +of any one who wanted to talk. He looked at me over the top of _The +Times_, and having had the courage to sit next to him, I felt that if +he would only look at other men as he did at me I should get all the +protection I required. I read in the aimless way which makes me turn +the paper over frequently in the futile hope of finding something +interesting, and I could not help knowing that my neighbour's eyes were +far oftener on me than on _The Times_. But I had no intention of +leaving him, for we were members of a defensive alliance, though he +knew nothing about it; two or three men I knew walked through the room +and left me alone; I was, I thought, in an almost impregnable position +and I closed my eyes, but before I had passed from the stage of +wondering whether I should snore if I went to sleep, I felt a touch on +my arm, and found Learoyd standing by me. + +"Go away," I said sleepily, "I am very tired." + +He leant over my chair and began to whisper; his back unfortunately was +turned to my ally, or I think I could have stopped him. + +"Do you know," he began, "that your sister has been nearly drowned in +the Cher, and Ward jumped in after her? Everybody says he saved her +life and will get a medal." + +"Who's everybody?" I asked, and I heard a noise, which was more like a +grunt than anything else, from the chair behind Learoyd. + +"Pratt told me, and I knew it must have been your sister because I saw +Ward start out of the college with her and some one else. It was your +sister, wasn't it?" + +"Yes," I answered, and my friend in the wide trousers got up and walked +by us. + +"I am awfully glad it was your sister now that I have told Pratt so," +Learoyd said. "He told me that he didn't think it could have been, +because you didn't tell him." + +"I never tell an ass like Pratt anything," I replied, "he would die if +he hadn't got something to talk about." + +"I am very glad she wasn't drowned." + +"You are only glad she fell in," I could not help saying. + +He looked rather bothered for a minute. "No, I didn't mean that, only +Pratt isn't the man to tell anything which isn't true, he's such a +gossip," he answered. + +"I suppose every one is bound to know all about it. I shouldn't wonder +if it isn't in the papers this evening," I said, as I got out of my +chair. + +"It is sure to be," Learoyd replied cheerfully. "Jack Ward will have +to pretend not to like it." + +"He won't like it," I said, and I gave Learoyd my paper to read and +made my escape into the garden. I sat down as far away from every one +as I could and asked a waiter to bring me some tea, and for quite five +minutes I was not molested. It was very early for tea, and the waiter +was talkative when he came back. + +"Going down to the river this afternoon, sir?" he said, as I fumbled in +my pockets for some money. + +"No," I replied. + +"Nearly a sad accident on the Cherwell this morning I heard some +gentleman saying. A gentleman from St. Cuthbert's College saved a +young lady from drowning; he ought to marry the young lady, I say," he +concluded with a waggish shake of the head, and he began to grope in +his pockets for sixpence. + +"Don't bother about the change," I said, "you're a humorist." + +"A what, sir?" + +"A humorist," I answered so loudly that nearly every one in the garden +looked round. + +"I am a bit of a comic, thank you, sir. I sings a bit and acts a bit +when I get the chance. But people ought to be more careful when they +go boating, many a good life's been lost by drowning, leaving sorrow +behind it." + +"Some one is calling you," I said desperately, and just then I saw +Pratt come into the garden and fix his eyes on me. I rose hurriedly, +and leaving my tea bolted for the door which leads into Castle Street. +I turned round when I reached the door and saw the waiter tapping his +forehead with one finger and talking to Pratt. It was not difficult to +guess what he was saying. + +I did not know what to do next, so I walked very slowly to the station +and stood in front of the book-stall. Business unfortunately was slack +when I arrived and one of the boys would not leave me alone, he offered +me so many papers that in sheer desperation I bought several; I told +him that I would have two shillings' worth, and left the selection of +them to him. Then I walked off to a seat at the end of the platform to +do a little thinking, but before I had really got settled I saw Fred +walking towards me with his head somewhere near the second button of +his waistcoat. I shouted to him, and after we had sat on the bench for +quite a minute without speaking we both began to laugh at the same +time, until a porter and a ticket-collector came to see what was +happening. The porter was a burly man with a cheerful countenance, and +he seemed so pleased to see any one enjoying themselves that he came +close to us, but the ticket-collector stood afar off. + +"Nice weather, gentlemen," he said, and having agreed with him we began +to laugh again. + +"I've not 'eard a good joke for many a fine day, you seem to be +a-enjoying of yourselves, my missis 'as got the mumps," and he took off +his cap and scratched his head. + +Fred said that mumps were very painful. + +"Nearly what you call a tragedy on the river to-day, seemingly," he +went on, and I groaned aloud, but Fred, who had no idea what was +coming, asked him what had happened. + +"It's like this," he began, "one of my mates, who 'as a brother what +belongs to one of them boat-'ouses where they let out most anything to +anybody what'll pay for it, 'eard in 'is dinner 'our as 'ow a young +woman would 'ave gone to 'er death only 'er young man 'opped into the +river and saved 'er life. That's what my mate told me, but 'e's a bit +of a liar." + +I jumped up from the seat before he had time to tell us anything more, +and pushing a shilling into his hand said that the ticket-collector was +beckoning to him. He was so surprised that he had not enough breath to +thank me, but he was kind enough to go away. When he thought I was not +looking I saw him tapping his forehead and grinning like that +abominable waiter in the Union. After two or three minutes of peace +the ticket-collector thought he might as well try his luck with us, and +began to stroll casually in our direction, but just as he was going to +begin a conversation I seized Fred by the arm, and having fled to the +end of the platform, we sat down on a luggage-barrow. + +"I should have hit that man," I said, "I can't stand any more," and +then I told him what I had been through since I had left him. "It +isn't half as comic as you seem to think," I finished up, "every +blessed man I know in the 'Varsity will talk to me about it. Nina can +swim as well as you can, and I shall tell her what I think of her." + +"Don't get into another rage," Fred replied; "I shouldn't say anything +nasty to her if I were you, she didn't fall into the Cher on purpose. +What is that huge great bundle of papers you are hugging?" + +"They are for Mrs. Faulkner to read on the way down, to show that I +don't bear her any malice. I wish I had never seen her." + +Fred took the bundle, and as he looked through the papers he gave way +to such unrighteous laughter that the barrow tipped up, and he, I, and +all the papers were scattered about the platform. I hurt myself and +told him so rudely, but he laughed at nothing that afternoon, and as +soon as he had picked up the papers he went back to the barrow and +proceeded to chuckle to himself until I had to ask whether he had gone +mad. + +"For Mrs. Faulkner," he said, and really he was enough to annoy any one. + +"Why shouldn't I give her what I like?" I asked. + +"She won't thank you for this lot," he answered. "_Cricket, The +Sportsman, The Sporting Life, The Pink 'Un, A Life of W. G. Grace, The +Topical Times, Pick-me-up, The Pelican_,--by Jove she will have +something to tell your people when she gets home." + +"It's that boy at the bookstall," I said, "let's go and change some of +them, though I believe you have only picked out the ones which Mrs +Faulkner wouldn't read. I let the boy choose what he liked." + +We made the bundle look as respectable as we could, and started down +the platform, but before we got to the bookstall we saw Mrs. Faulkner, +Nina and Jack Ward. + +"Oh, here you are at last," Nina said, "if it hadn't been for Mr. Ward +I don't know what we should have done with our luggage." + +"If it hadn't been for Mr. Ward we should not only have lost our +luggage but yourself, my dear," Mrs. Faulkner exclaimed, and she put +her hand on Nina's arm. + +"I am sure we are horribly obliged to you, Jack," I said, for I had to +say something. + +"I hope you won't catch cold," Fred said to Nina. + +"Thanks, I think I shall be all right now," she answered. + +"It is the terrible nervous shock which may be disastrous," Mrs. +Faulkner remarked. + +"Won't you have some tea?" I asked, and it seemed to me that I was +always asking Mrs. Faulkner to have tea when I didn't know what to do +with her. + +"We should miss the train, it goes in twelve minutes," she replied. + +We stood on the platform for an interminable time trying to talk, but +neither Mrs. Faulkner nor Nina seemed to take any interest in Fred and +me, and I must say that Jack looked terribly uncomfortable at all the +things which were said to him. Just before the train was due, however, +Nina took my arm and drew me away from the others, and I hoped that she +was going to tell me something pleasant, but her first words banished +that idea. + +"I want you to ask Mr. Ward to stay with us in July," she said. + +"I shall do nothing of the kind," I answered. + +"He jumped into the river to save me." + +"You can swim all right." + +"But he didn't know that." + +"Mrs. Faulkner makes me ill. I think you might stop her making such a +fuss; she has made Jack feel uncomfortable, and Fred never says a word. +I think you are treating Fred jolly badly," I said. + +"I suppose he will be down in July," she replied, rather disagreeably. + +"Of course he will." + +"And you won't ask Mr. Ward?" + +"For goodness' sake, Nina, don't be stupid," I answered, "and let me +ask what friends I like." + +"I shall get mother to ask him if you don't." + +Before I had time to reply the train came into the station, and Fred, +Jack and I had to work hard to get a compartment to suit Mrs. Faulkner. +It took some time to get her properly settled, and after she had +thanked Jack once more and wished us all good-bye, Nina came to the +carriage-window and said that I was not to forget what she told me. + +"Are those papers for us?" she called out as the train started. + +I took off my hat and pretended not to hear, for I had completely +forgotten to change them, but before I could stop him Jack had taken +the bundle out of my hand, and by means of running much faster than I +thought possible he got the whole lot into the carriage. + +"I felt such a fool on that platform that I never remembered anything," +he said, when he came back. + +"I wish you had forgotten how to run," I replied, and when Fred told +him why I had kept my bundle to myself we managed to talk about the way +Mrs. Faulkner would criticize my taste until we separated. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON + +My life for several days after Nina went away was just what I expected +it would be. Everybody I knew wanted to be told about the accident, +and congratulated me on her narrow escape. I was gloriously rude to +several men, but nothing I could do was really any good. The first man +at whom I let myself go was Dennison, and in this I made a very great +mistake, because in letting him know that I was sick of the whole +business I gave him a chance which he did not miss. He went round +finding men who had not seen me, and persuaded them to come to me and +say how sorry they had been to hear of the accident, and how glad they +were that Jack Ward had saved Nina, and a lot of other desperate +twaddle. Finally, Dennison having worked this joke most diligently, +decided that a dinner must be given in Jack's honour, and when he met +me in the quad on Sunday and told me about it I refused flatly to go. + +"Of course you will come," he said, "it would be a disgrace to the +college if we didn't do something to celebrate Ward's pluck and your +sister's escape." + +"It is a disgrace to the college to make a wretched fuss about +nothing," I replied. + +"You are the only man who thinks that. Next Thursday night, half-past +seven, at the Sceptre," he said, and walked off. + +Ward and I had been avoiding each other ever since the Wednesday night, +when he having first of all been to Brasenose because they were Head of +the River and lively, came to see me afterwards and talked very +stupidly. I was in bed, and he woke me up to talk to me for over +half-an-hour about love. Any one would have been angry, and though I +tried to be polite, because he had jumped into the Cher, I told him to +go away several times before he went. I had never thought it possible +that I could have so much trouble about Nina. I suppose he knew that +he had made an idiot of himself that evening, for if there is any time +when it is decent to wake a man up and talk to him about wonderful +subjects, I am sure it can never be after a huge celebration at +Brasenose. I didn't know much about love, but I thought that there +must be the wrong and the right kind, and that Jack had made a bad +start. + +So we kept out of each other's way as much as possible, and I did not +know that he hated the idea of this dinner even more than I did. We +might together have done something to stop it, but we had no chance +unless we combined. I thought Jack wanted to be feted, and in +consequence I felt absolutely savage with him, while he told me +afterwards that he was simply dragged into the thing by Dennison. +However, I am not altogether sorry that the dinner took place, for +though neither Jack nor I were anything like wily enough to score off +Dennison, we got some rare fun out of him before that evening finished. + +Collier, Lambert and Learoyd all came to tell me that I must go to the +dinner before I could be persuaded to have anything to do with it, and +it was really comical to hear why each of them was so keen on the +affair. Collier gloried openly in the fact that it would be a huge +feed, and said he was glad Dennison had engaged Rodoski to play the +fiddle because music gave him a better appetite, and he advised me +strongly not to miss such a good chance of enjoying myself, and thought +me mad to hesitate. Lambert said that Dennison had asked him to +propose Ward's health, and that he hoped his speech--though quite +unprepared--would not be unworthy of the evening. "The dinner itself +will be nothing, just like any other kind of dinner, but don't you miss +it," he concluded, and I felt sure that he had already got his speech +in his pocket. Learoyd begged me not to stay away from a jolly good +rag. "If we can't row, we can rag," he said, and when I told him that +I was sick to death of ragging, he took such a serious view of my case +that I promised that I would go so that I could get rid of him. + +There were about fourteen men at the dinner-party, including Ward, +Dennison, Lambert, Learoyd, Collier, Webb, and Bunny Langham, and since +Dennison had taken a free hand in arranging everything, it was a +tremendous affair. I never doubted that his idea was to make Ward and +me look as foolish as possible, for he was the kind of man who was +never really contented unless he was trying to make some one feel +uncomfortable. The whole thing, I knew, was an elaborate joke at our +expense, but I was not going to starve because Nina had fallen into the +"Cher" and Jack had pulled her out, so I set to work to enjoy myself, +though I had to sit next to Dennison. In fact, having once got to the +Sceptre, I think I made more row than any one at dinner, and this must +have disappointed Dennison, who started by saying those half sweet and +half bitter things to me, which I never know how to answer, but which +make me long to put the man who says them under the table. So I talked +and shouted loud enough to drown Dennison's remarks, for it would never +have done to put him out of sight during the dinner. I suppose that +being unable to get any fun out of me, and having Collier, who did not +like to speak much at meals, on the other side of him, he must have +found some fresh amusement, for he became very quiet as the evening +went on, and there was only one thing which ever made him silent and +that was the kind of thing which makes most people talk. + +He was, however, capable of asking Lambert to propose the toast of the +evening, but nothing would make Lambert stir before some one had +proposed the royal toasts, which Dennison had forgotten; and three or +four men who did not want any one to talk except themselves shouted, +"No speeches," until Bunny Langham got up and surprised every one by +making them laugh. He did not stick to his subject very much, but he +managed to make everything he said ramble round in an odd sort of way +to an apology for Dennison's forgetfulness, and if only he had been +sitting on the other side of me I should not have been compelled to +shout during the whole of dinner, for I believe he would have been able +to help me in answering the gibing remarks which had been made to me. +Dennison smiled across the table at Langham, but his smile looked as if +it had been glued on to his face, and if I had been in his place I +should have thrown something solid, like a pine-apple, at Bunny. + +My penance, however, was to come, and when Lambert at last got up to +finish off the business of making fools of Jack Ward and me, I thought +of pretending that my nose had begun to bleed and of hurrying out of +the room, only it seemed to be rather a weak thing to do. So I just +sat there and imagined that everybody was looking at me, which made me +feel most uncomfortably hot. Lambert admitted afterwards that he was +in his very best form that evening, and I think he must have been, for +I never heard anybody talk such a lot of nonsense in all my life. I +looked at Jack Ward once, and he was evidently having a very bad time, +but every one else except Collier, who was sleepy, seemed to think that +Lambert was amusing. He referred to Jack in a patronizing way as "our +young hero," and said that my mind had been so completely upset by this +brave deed that for some days I had been a cause of considerable +anxiety to my friends. When he made that remark I took a very ripe +pear from a dish in front of me, but Learoyd persuaded me not to throw +it. I couldn't have missed Lambert, and I think he deserved to be +mobbed, but he saw what was happening and I think it made him forget +some of the things he was going to say about me. At the end of his +speech he actually began to recite a piece of poetry of his own, though +the first line was about the brave deserving the fair and sounded like +somebody else's, which was a way his poems had. He had arranged for +slow music to be turned on while he did this, and there was such a +general feeling against the combination that he had to sit down before +he had finished. Bunny Langham, who was a member of the Horace Club, +and disliked any poems made in Oxford except those which he wrote +himself, led the hubbub, and after we had drunk Jack's health there was +such a noise that he escaped having to reply. When any one shouted for +him, as they did fitfully for some time, their voices were always +drowned in the general cheerfulness of the evening, and he finally came +round from the other side of the table and sat down by me. + +"You have been making a most awful row," he said. + +"Self-defence," I answered, "I didn't want to hear anything which +Dennison said." + +"A most rotten evening, the proggins will come in a few minutes if he +is within shouting distance. They have been trying to get us out for +the last quarter of an hour." + +"Several men seem to have gone already." + +We talked for some minutes, and then a waiter came in and said the +proctor was coming down "The High," so we all bolted as hard as we +could. Instead of turning down the Turl, I saw Dennison run down the +High, with Lambert pursuing him and telling him to stop. But Dennison +had been careful during the last part of the evening, and had arrived +at the state when any one shouting at him made him run all the faster, +while Lambert, excited by oratory and the after-effects of it, declared +very loudly that he would catch Dennison if he had to run a mile. + +"Dennison thinks that the proggins and all his bulldogs are after him," +Bunny Langham said; "the whole thing was only a trick to get us out +before anything happened." + +"They can catch me if they like," Ward replied, "I can't run to-night." + +So the three of us walked back to St. Cuthbert's, and Bunny complained +bitterly that he could not come in and wait until Lambert and Dennison +turned up. The first man to come into college after us was Collier, +who said he had been dodging round the Radcliffe for a quarter of an +hour, and soon afterwards Learoyd and Webb strolled in and pretended +that they had been sitting under the table in the Sceptre, but they +looked exceedingly warm. We all went to Ward's rooms, which were a +kind of club for any men he knew and very often used when he was not +even in them, to wait for Dennison and Lambert; but we had to stay +until nearly twelve o'clock before either of them came, and then there +was a tremendous thumping on the door, and Dennison, in a most +exhausted condition, tottered in and nearly collapsed in the porter's +arms. + +It was some time before he had breath enough to walk across to Ward's +rooms, but when we had got him settled in an arm-chair he began to feel +better. + +"At any rate I did the brute," he said, "that bulldog will remember me +for the rest of his life." + +I should have given the whole thing away by laughing if I had said +anything, and I moved to the window so that I could put my head outside +if I really had to laugh, while Collier, who had been scored off by +Dennison very often, began to ask him questions. He had not to ask +many, because when Dennison once began to talk, he told us everything +without needing much encouragement. + +"That big bull-dog has had his eye on me for ages," he said, "ever +since I dodged him one night last term in the Corn, and I know that he +has been saying that he would catch me some day." He stopped for a +minute, being still rather breathless, and Collier asked him where he +had been. "Directly I went out of the Sceptre he started off after me, +and I made up my mind I would give him the deuce of a time before I had +done with him, so I ran like blazes down the High, and when I turned +round by Magdalen to see if he was coming I saw the brute in the +distance. So off I went again, and when we got to the running-ground I +heard him panting and swearing and shouting a hundred yards away. I +let him get a bit closer and then went on towards Iffley; but I got a +most horrible stitch, so I went as hard as I could for a bit, and then +climbed over a gate and sat down under a hedge. I waited until he had +gone past, and then came back to college. It is the easiest thing in +the world to score off a bull-dog, they are simply the stupidest men in +the world." + +"He must have got a long way past Iffley by now," Collier said. + +"I don't care where he is, but I shall have to look out that he doesn't +get level with me," Dennison replied. + +"You will always have to wear a cap and gown now," Learoyd remarked. + +But Dennison took no notice of this advice. + +"Where's Lambert?" he asked; "everybody else seems to be here except +him and that fool, Bunny Langham." + +"We don't know, he has not come in yet," Collier answered, and at that +moment there was a rap at the door, and as soon as Lambert got into the +porch I put my head out of the window and told him to come up to Ward's +rooms. As he walked across the quad I saw that he had been having a +rough time of it, for his clothes did not look as immaculate as usual. +He was carrying an overcoat over his arm, and his shirt and collar had +given way so badly that the first thing he did when he got into the +room was to go to a looking-glass, and see how he could improve the +appearance of things. A lot of men asked him where he had been, but he +had forgotten that any of us had seen him start after Dennison, and he +answered that he had just been for a stroll. "I like to have a walk by +myself after a noise," he added; "the heat of that room made me feel +absolutely ill." + +Then Ward could not restrain himself any longer, and told Dennison that +we all knew Lambert had been running after him, and that there had been +no proctor and bull-dogs in the High. + +"Coming suddenly out of a hot room into the open air always affects +me," Lambert said. "I made up my mind I would catch Dennison if I ran +until my legs gave way." + +"It's all a silly lie," Dennison exclaimed; "I was chased by the big +bull-dog; I should have seen that shirt, which was white when you +started." + +"I had on an overcoat," was Lambert's reply. + +"Did you go to Iffley?" Collier asked. + +"Iffley? Good heavens, no, I never went any further than Magdalen +Bridge." + +There was such a shout of laughter that I believe I should have thought +anybody else except Dennison had been rotted enough. + +"Then I _was_ chased by a bull-dog!" he said emphatically. + +"You weren't chased by any one after I stopped, for I sat on the bridge +for quite ten minutes, and then I thought I would come home by Long +Wall Street, the High being rather exposed at night. I made an +unfortunate choice." He shot his cuffs down, but they were terribly +limp, and he looked at them with disgust. + +"What happened?" Ward asked. + +"I met the proggins, and having got my wind I charged right past him. +Then I ran round by the Racquet Courts, and finally hid in a garden by +Keble. I ought not to have done that, because the bull-dogs know me, +and I found them waiting outside when I came in. It is all your fault +for running away when I told you to stop," he said to Dennison. + +"I expect you were hiding in the garden at the same time Dennison was +hiding from you behind a hedge in the Iffley Road," Collier said, and +the idea pleased Lambert so much that he took off his tie and went to +the looking-glass again. But he soon made up his mind that no tie, +however beautifully tied, had a chance with a collar which looked like +a piece of moderately white blotting-paper, so he stalked out of the +room without wishing any one good-night, though he did wave his tie in +Jack Ward's direction as he went, and since it was very late I followed +him. + +During the rest of the term I hardly saw anything of Fred, as he was +playing cricket for the 'Varsity, and whenever I tried to see him I +nearly always failed. I did not try much, for I did not see why he +wanted to avoid me, and I thought he was treating me very badly. +Besides, my people were bothering me a lot during the last few days of +the term, and I didn't see any use in telling Fred that my mother +wanted Jack Ward to come down to Worcestershire during the summer. As +a matter-of-fact I was in an awkward position, for my mother had +written to Jack Ward to thank him for pulling Nina out of the "Cher," +and to say that she would be very glad if he could come down sometime +to stay with us. But I thought Jack Ward would not come unless I asked +him myself, and that rotten jumble he talked about love on my bed, and +a sort of feeling that Fred would not like him to come kept me from +saying anything to him. Jack only told me that my mother had written +to him, and I heard from her that she had asked him to stay, so I had +some time to think of what I had better do, and the more I thought the +more bothered I became. + +I had one idea which pleased me for a quarter of an hour; it was that +Jack should come while Nina was away, but as soon as I thought of the +temper Nina would be in when she found out this little plan I abandoned +it quickly. Another idea, which did not please me for so long, was +that I should tell Jack that my people simply hated any one who +flirted, but that seemed both to be taking a good deal for granted and +to be rather hard on Nina; besides, it reminded me unpleasantly of +those advertisements for servants which end up, "No followers allowed," +and which, I should think, are a great waste of money. In addition to +this bother which I manufactured more or less for myself, I had another +trouble which did not worry so much because I understood it better. +Mrs. Faulkner had told my mother, quite privately, that I was in her +opinion doing very little work at Oxford, and my mother was not as +disturbed at this as her informant thought she ought to have been. At +least I suppose that must have been the reason why Mrs. Faulkner told +my father the same tale, and even took the trouble to show him some of +the papers which were in that wretched parcel. I could not expect him +to approve of all those papers, and I did not dare to tell him that I +had not chosen them myself, because he would then have accused me of +laziness and extravagance and a whole host of unpleasant things, so I +accepted his rebukes with a contrite spirit and wrote and told him, +quite truthfully, that I read very serious papers nearly every week. +But when you have been fairly caught buying a host of sporting and +theatrical literature, it isn't much good trying to persuade your +father that it was a fluke. I sent him _The Spectator_ soon +afterwards, but he never acknowledged it, and my mother in her next +letter drew my attention to the fact that he had subscribed to this +review for the last seven years. My luck was very bad just then, I +seemed unable to do anything right. + +There was only one thing which cheered me up, and it was that Owen had +got over the worst part of his illness. But I could not even think of +this without being bothered, for when a man is ill you don't mind +promising to do anything, and it is only when he is getting better that +you begin to realize how much you have promised. It was certain that I +must pay the expenses of his illness, and it was equally certain that I +should not have enough money to pay my college bills as well; the whole +thing made me very pensive. + +Murray was in my rooms one night just before the end of the term, and I +was talking over my difficulties, for he was always hard-up himself and +not likely to offer to lend me anything, when a note was brought in +from Fred, and the first thing which fell out of the envelope was a +cheque for fifty pounds. I did not know what to think of that, but the +note upset me altogether. + +"Dear Godfrey," Fred wrote, "you told me some time ago that you were +hard up, so I am sending you a cheque in case you want it. My people +have just sent me more money than I shall use this year, and you can +pay me back when you like. I am afraid I shan't be able to come down +to you after the 'Varsity match, as I have promised to go with a +reading party to Cornwall for two months. I believe the only thing to +do down there is to play golf, which isn't much fun, but Henderson is +coming, and we shall try to get some cricket. Please remember me to +your people. Yours ever, F. F. + +"P.S. I suppose you won't come down to Cornwall; the men are all right, +five of them." + +Now Fred had spent nearly all his school-holidays with me, and since we +had been at Oxford he had been down for both vacs, so for him to write +and say calmly that he had made arrangements to go on a wretched +reading party and then to ask me in a postscript to join it, made me +want to go to Oriel at once and speak to him. But, fortunately, it was +nearly eleven o'clock and I could not get out of college, so as Murray +had gone back to his room I went along the passage to work off some of +my agitation on him. Murray, however, was one of those annoying men +who know exactly when they have had enough of anybody, and I found his +oak sported. I beat upon it for some time without any result, and +having told Murray my opinion of him in a voice loud enough to +penetrate almost anything, I went back to my own rooms and sat down to +write to Fred. In the course of an hour I wrote and tore up several +letters. Some of them I intended to be dignified, some of them were +abusive; in some I kept the cheque, but in most of them I sent it back; +in one I enclosed it with the words, "you will find the cheque you were +good enough to offer me;" that was the first I wrote, for I was quite +incapable of even thanking him until the labours of the imposition +which I had set myself began to tell upon me. + +I had just torn up the seventh letter, and after a desperate struggle +whether I should begin the eighth "Dear Fred" or "Dear Foster" had +compromised matters by writing "Dear F. F.," when Jade Ward began to +yell my name down in the quad, and I went to the window at once and +told him to shut up. For the Warden's house was in the back quad, and +although I was pleased to think the Warden my friend I knew he always +slept with his window open, because he had told me so in a very great +outburst of confidence, and I did not want my wretched name to break in +upon his night's rest. I had not got so many dons on my side that I +could afford to make the Warden angry; besides, I really liked him, and +he was always nice to me, though he did tell the Bishop in the Easter +vac that, until I lost a certain exuberance of animal spirits, any +credit I did to the college would be more physical than intellectual. +But I did not bear him any grudge for that, because he could not help +using long phrases, and if he had just said that I liked athletics I +should have been rather pleased, which was what he really meant, only +the Bishop did not think so. + +I shoved the fragments of my letters into a drawer, and when Jack Ward +came in I said I was going to bed. The sight of him reminded me of +Nina, and to think of Nina gave me a headache. I had never imagined it +possible that I should find it difficult to manage her, and here she +was at the bottom of all my troubles. As I stood in my room and looked +at Jack sitting in my most comfortable chair, the reason why Fred had +written that note suddenly occurred to me. Of course she was the +reason, and leaving Jack to amuse himself I sat down and wrote another +note; but when I read it through it seemed as hopeless as the others, +so I tore it up, and having no more note-paper I decided to see Fred in +the morning. Then I went into my bedroom and began to undress noisily, +so that Jack might know what I was doing, but he gave a huge snore just +as I was ready to go to bed and I had to throw a cushion at his head. + +"Turn the lamp out, when you go," I said, and I got into bed. I left +the door partly open, because my room wanted all the air it could get, +and I heard him waking up slowly and stretching himself. After that he +attacked a soda-water syphon until it gave a protesting gurgle. + +"I've found the whisky, but you don't seem to have any soda," he called +to me, but I pretended that I was asleep. However, he ransacked my +cupboard until he found another syphon, and then he came and sat on my +bed. I told him I was very tired, because I had not forgotten the last +time he had invaded me in this way, and two doses of talking about love +would be a trial to any man. + +"I wanted to talk to you, only you were so busy, and then I went to +sleep," he began. + +"Well, cut it short, it must be nearly one o'clock." + +"Your people have asked me to stay with them in the vac, and I want to +know what time would suit you best." + +He had cut it far too short to suit me, and I asked him not to sit on +my foot, which he was not sitting upon, so that I could think for a +moment. Then I turned my face to the wall. But I brought myself round +pretty quickly, and felt very displeased with Jack. Things were much +worse than I thought they were, if he could throw away all decency and +simply insist on coming. Had I wanted him I should have asked him. + +"I had a letter from Mrs. Marten this morning, asking me to settle the +time with you," he said. + +"Any time will suit me," I answered, "except that I may go away with a +reading party, and I am afraid you will find it most awfully slow." + +"I shan't find it slow," he asserted with conviction. + +"There's nothing much to do except loll about," I said. + +"That will suit me down to the ground," he said, and I turned over once +more. It isn't much good talking to a man who confesses that he likes +lolling about; but I thought I would make things out as bad as possible. + +"We do nothing but slack down there," I said; "there's not much +cricket, and we only keep one fat cob, which is a sort of +horse-of-all-work." + +"Got a river?" + +"A sort of glorified brook." + +"And a boat?" + +I had to say that we had a boat, but I explained that it was very old. + +"That's all right," he said most cheerfully, and I believe he would +have been pleased if I had told him that we lived in a barn with +several holes in the roof. + +He was beginning to think it was time for him to go to bed, when I +heard somebody else blunder into my sitter, and in a moment Lambert +appeared at the door. Now Lambert, who was only gorgeous by day, +frequently became aggressive at night, and I told him to clear out +jolly quickly. But instead of doing what he was wanted to he lit a +huge cigar, and began smoking the thing in my bedder. He also made a +number of stupid remarks about my personal appearance, and though I +hate getting out of bed when once I am comfortable I really could not +put up with the man, for he compared me to several people, ancient and +modern, who suffered from various defects. Jack Ward told him several +forcible things, but he went on insulting me, and then cackled as if he +had made a joke. So at last I hopped out of bed, and he, escaping from +my bedder, continued to cackle in the next room; I just stopped to put +on a pair of shoes, and then I went after him; he ran down the dark +staircase as hard as he could, and I, anxious to give him one kick, for +the sake of honour, pursued him. Both of us got safely to the bottom +of the stairs, and I fairly raced him across the back quad, but just as +we were going into the front one Lambert stopped suddenly and doubled +back, while I was running so furiously that I did not turn quickly +enough, and before I could follow him I saw another man standing in +front of me with a little straggly beard and great big spectacles. We +looked at each other, and then I gave up thinking about Lambert and +walked back to my rooms; there was a horrid wind, and I shivered in my +pyjamas as I went back to my staircase. Lambert seemed to have +disappeared altogether, but I met Jack striking matches and groping his +way down. + +"Did you catch him?" he asked. + +"Just like my luck," I answered. "I met the Subby." + +"What's he doing at this time of night?" + +"That's what he will ask me to-morrow if he recognized me. There +wasn't much light." + +"He ought to have been in bed." + +"I don't believe dons ever go to bed," I replied. "Give me a match, so +that I can get up without breaking my neck." + +The next morning Lambert came round while I was at breakfast. He was +full of apologies and hopes that the Subby had not recognized me. + +"He told me that he sleeps so badly, that he often gets up in the +middle of the night and takes a walk," he said, without the slightest +regard for truth. + +"Then there is no reason why I shouldn't take a run if I like," I +replied. + +"But you were shouting," he said, as if he wished I had not been. + +"I'm a somnambulist, only I somnambulate faster than most people." + +"I'm afraid that won't wash," he said, and he started striding up and +down my room until he found he was always coming to a wall, and then he +stopped in front of the looking-glass, and stared earnestly at himself. +"Can't we think of anything better than that?" he asked. + +"Doesn't your own face help you?" I asked, and he turned round slowly. + +"One of my front teeth has got a chip off it," he said. + +"By Jove!" I answered, for Lambert both the last thing at night and the +first thing in the morning, was too much for me. + +"But about the Subby?" + +"He hasn't sent for me yet. Just poke your head out of the door and +yell for Clarkson; yell, don't think you are singing." + +He did yell, and I had breakfast cleared away. + +"I am afraid he must have seen you if you saw him," he went on, and the +bulk of the man seemed to cover up all my mantelpiece. + +"Get out of the light, I want some matches," I said. "Perhaps he saw +you." + +"No, I caught a glimpse of his beard coming round the corner." + +"I wish men wouldn't come and talk rot to me in the middle of the +night." + +"I have apologized for that; of course I shall tell the Subby it was my +fault." + +"You are a big enough fool to do anything," I retorted, but he only +smiled at me, and after helping himself to a cigarette he went away. + +About half-past ten I got a wretched notice from the Subby to say he +wished to see me at one o'clock, and I decided to stay in my rooms to +work, and not to go round to Oriel until the afternoon. My work +however, was sadly interrupted, for as soon as I had really settled +down, and I settle down slowly, Dennison came in to condole with me +about my bad luck, but when I told him that I had got to go to the +Subby I caught him grinning, which exasperated me. So he soon +disappeared, and then Jack Ward came, and after he had gone I went and +had a talk with Murray. I have never known a morning go so quickly. + +I had scarcely looked at the Subby's notice when I got it, for I only +read the time I was to go to him, and then shoved the card into my +pocket; but at one o'clock I went off to see him, wondering how I could +explain matters best. On my way across the front quad I met Lambert +and Dennison lounging about arm-in-arm; they wished me luck, and I told +them to go to blazes. I simply hate men who can't stand without +propping themselves up, the one against the other. + +I knocked at the Subby's door without having made up my mind why I had +been running about in pyjamas at one o'clock in the morning; the +somnambulist tale did all right to annoy Lambert, but I was not such an +idiot as to try it on a don. I had to knock twice before he told me to +come in, and when he saw me he only said "good-morning." So I said +"good-morning" and waited. + +"What is it?" he asked, when he discovered that I did not want to go to +some impossible place because my teeth ached, or my great-aunt wanted +me. + +"You sent for me," I said. + +"No," and he shook his head until a lock of hair fell over his forehead. + +"At one o'clock." + +"I didn't send for you." + +"I have the notice in my pocket," and I took it out and looked at it. +Then I saw that some one had been scratching at the top of the card, +but they had done it very neatly. + +"Some one has been having a joke with you," he said, and he smiled as +if he thought it a better joke than I did. + +"They will be watching for me to come out," I said, and I took my +courage in my two hands. + +"I suppose they will," he answered, "but I don't want to know their +names." + +"I didn't mean that," I replied. + +"What did you mean?" he asked, and I thought he was behaving splendidly. + +"I wish you would ask me to lunch if you aren't engaged," I said, "and +then they will have to wait for longer than they bargained." + +"Of course," he answered, "they certainly deserve to wait." + +I enjoyed that meal very much, the Subby only wanted knowing a little +and then he became quite a good sort, and I think he was amused at a +fresher calmly asking himself to luncheon with him, but it ought to +have shown that I had a certain amount of confidence in him, for even I +could not have asked myself to a meal with Mr. Edwardes. I doubt, +however, if he ever thought of it in that light, for he had been Subby +for five rather troubled years, and had so much to do with dealing with +men who did things they ought not to have done, that he could have had +no time to wonder why they did them. + +We began by condemning practical jokes, which was very tactful of him; +he said that he knew only one good practical joke, and that was played +upon himself, but he would not tell me what it was though I promised +that I would never try it on anybody. Then we talked about all sorts +of things, until I had been with him nearly an hour, and the +conversation was inclined to droop. + +"Do you sleep very badly?" I asked, because I had heard several dodges +for getting rid of insomnia, and I should like to have done something +for him. + +He blinked at me for an instant, and I think he was wondering what I +was driving at, for I suppose it would not do for a Subby to sleep too +soundly. "I am thankful to say I have never been troubled with +sleeplessness," he said, and he looked rather drowsy at that moment. + +"Some men do tell the most awful lies," I meant to say to myself, but +somehow or other I said it much louder than I intended. + +But he took no notice, and after thanking him very much I left him, +feeling that I had another ally; but it is never prudent to reckon upon +a man who has to look after the conduct of the college, he gets worried +and then does not understand things quite right. + +Lambert's head was poking out of Learoyd's window as I went back +through the front quad, and thinking that I might as well get this +thing finished off at once, I ran up-stairs and found Dennison and him +in possession of Learoyd's rooms. + +"Much of a row?" Dennison said, with a kind of sickly sarcastic smile +which meant that he had scored off me pretty badly. + +"Row?" I asked. + +"Was the Subby furious?" + +"I have been lunching with him," I answered; "I hope your lunch was not +spoilt by waiting for me to come out." + +They did not know what to say to this, so Dennison went on smiling and +Lambert stroked his upper lip with one finger. + +"You were nicely scored off," Dennison said at last. + +"I had a jolly good lunch," I replied. + +"Dennison doesn't make a bad Subby, and I imitate his writing pretty +well," Lambert said. + +"The Subby himself must decide that, when he finds out who was ass +enough to buy a beard like his." + +This reduced them to silence again, until Lambert said that he did not +see how anybody could find out. + +"The Subby is much more wide-awake than you think. I wouldn't care to +be in Dennison's place, he has just done the one thing which dons can't +stand. However, the Subby is a rare good sort, and I shouldn't wonder +if he let the thing drop, especially as it is the end of term," I said. + +"You looked fairly sick this morning," Dennison remarked, but he was +more vicious and less smiling than he had been at the beginning. + +"You took me in all right," I acknowledged, "and I hope you won't hear +any more about it." + +"What did you tell the Subby?" he asked. + +"Not much," and if he was fool enough to think that there was any +chance of the Subby trying to find out anything, I thought I had better +leave him to his doubts, so I went round to my rooms, and having got a +straw-hat, I started off to see Fred; and fortunately I found him at +Oriel trying to make his cricket-bag hold more things than it was meant +to hold. He did not look particularly pleased to see me, but I have +never yet met a man who can pack and be in a good temper at the same +time. + +"Where are you off to?" I asked, for there were still some days before +the end of the term. + +"I am going to Brighton to-night with Henderson." + +"How did you manage to get leave?" + +"We have both been seedy, and Rushden wanted us to go before we play +Surrey again. In my last three innings I've made seven runs, and I +should think Rushden begins to wish he had never given me my blue. I +don't feel as if I should ever make another run." + +"Your dons must be good sorts," I said. + +"They're all right," he answered, and he sat down in a chair by the +window and looked so unlike himself that I knelt down on the floor and +took everything out of the bag. Then I packed my best, which must have +been worse than anybody else's except Fred's, and when I had finished, +though the bag still bulged and was not a thing to be proud of, it did +not bulge so very badly; at any rate Fred said it would do, but when I +looked at him again I forgot entirely that I had intended to be angry +with him. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. + +"Nothing to speak of. I've had a cold and a headache, and just rotten +little things like that. Brighton will cure me," but he didn't speak +as if he cared whether it did or not. + +"You've got to come to us directly that reading party is over or I +won't have this cheque, and if I don't take the cheque I shall be in an +awful hole," I said, for I can't lead up to things. + +"I would very much rather not come," he answered. + +"Why?" + +"Oh, I don't know," he said, and then he got up and gave the bag a kick +which, landing on a bat, hurt his toe. "You're the best fellow in the +world, Godfrey, but you don't understand." + +"There is something odd the matter with you, or you wouldn't say that. +We don't say things like that to each other." + +"Won't you come down to Cornwall?" + +"No, I won't." + +"Is Ward going to stay with you?" + +"My people have asked him." + +"And is he going?" + +"He seems to think he is. I told him the boat was rotten and the cob +fat, and that there was nothing on earth to do," I added most stupidly, +but I had no idea then that any one could really be troubled by things +which had never affected me in the least. + +"And he is going all the same," Fred said, and he did not look a bit +more cheerful. + +So I sat forward in my chair and talked to him. It does not matter +what I said, but I kept clear of Nina, and told him my people would be +desperately sick with him, which made him uncomfortable, because he and +my mother liked each other very much. I also told him that he was +treating me badly; but I soon had to drop that, because he did not seem +to think that it would make any difference how he behaved to me. +However, I stirred him up, and if ever a man wanted stirring up he did; +so at last he promised that he would come to us in September and stay +until the end of the vac, if he was wanted. I told him that if no one +else wanted him I always should; but this remark did not appear to +cheer him up at all, and I began to think he must be bilious. I know +that whenever I had a cold at one of my private schools, the wife of +the head-master always said it came from eating too much. But she was +a curious woman with a large imagination, and when I wouldn't eat +boiled rice and rhubarb-jam she told me that it was rice that made the +niggers such fine men; this, however, did not have the effect upon me +which she desired, for I was only eight years old, and had got an idea +that if I agreed to eat rice I should become black. That lady has made +me think ever since that from whatever cause an illness comes it is +never from over-eating. + +So I soon rejected the theory of Fred being bilious, though any reason +for his unfitness except Nina would have been welcome. After a few +minutes spent in the unsatisfactory pursuit of finding out that my +batting average for St. Cuthbert's was 2.4, which I discovered not for +my own gratification but to please Fred, Henderson came in, looking +more freckled than ever and not in the least ill. + +"You have got to come to Cornwall with us, hasn't he?" he said at once. + +"The brute won't come," Fred said. + +"You will have to; you know all the men, and they all want you to come. +We will have a rare good time--only Fred and Hawkins have to work hard, +the rest of us are not going to do much." + +"I have to work all the vac," I said sorrowfully, and Fred, who had +smiled at my average, began to laugh once more, and he really seemed to +be much more cheerful when I saw him and Henderson off at the station, +than he had been earlier in the afternoon. + +The last few days of the term were terribly dull, because some of us +had to do collections, and my papers did not altogether please Mr. +Edwardes. I promised again that I would do a lot of work in the vac; +but Jack Ward arranged that he would come down and stay with us +directly after the 'Varsity match was over, and I could not be expected +to allow him to loll in a boat and play the fool without restraint. + +I had not been at home in June for years, and June is the month in +which to see my mother's garden. Everything went swimmingly for a day +or two; Fred made a lot of runs against Sussex, and Henderson--whose +blue was very uncertain--made seventy-six. I was enormously pleased, +and suggested at dinner that we should all go up to town to see Fred +play in the 'Varsity match. My father and mother were rather delighted +with the idea, and said they would go if Nina cared to come with us. + +"It's the middle of the season," I said promptly, for I suppose I was +getting artful. + +"I would rather not go," Nina said decidedly, "but do take Godfrey up +with you." + +"I shan't leave you here by yourself," my mother answered. + +"It's a pity Miss Read has gone," I put in, and Nina looked very +savagely across the table at me. + +"You had better go up by yourself," my father said. + +"Don't you want to see Fred playing in his first 'Varsity match--you +came up in December to see me play?" I asked Nina. + +But she simply went on eating her fish as if I had not spoken, and I +wished again that Miss Read had not left us. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON + +There is not much room for a feud in a small family, and, thank +goodness, I did not belong to a large one. Collier had five brothers +and four sisters, some of whom were never on speaking terms with the +others except at Christmas or a birthday when, from habit, they +declared a truce. "The truce is no good," Collier said to me when he +told me about it, "because the only thing which happens is that they +change sides. I believe they pick up." "What happens to you?" I +asked. "Oh, I'm neutral, a sort of referee, and have a worse time than +anybody," he replied, and I was glad that fate had not decreed that I +should be born into the Collier family. + +I am sure that had I been able to find any one else to talk to, I +should have left Nina alone after she had refused to go to the 'Varsity +match. It would have been a great effort, but I thought that Nina was +going out of her way to be particularly horrid, and she liked talking +as much as I did. Silence, an air of offended dignity, the sort of +not-angry-but-very-sorry business, would have been a heavy punishment +for her if I could only have inflicted it, but when my father and +mother were engaged there was often nobody, except Nina, to ask to do +anything. So after wasting one beautiful afternoon I decided that the +best thing I could do was to come to a plain understanding with her. + +Fortified by my idea, but at the same time rather nervous, because I +knew that unless you are a master and the other person happens to be a +boy it is much easier to talk about a plain understanding than to +arrive at it, I strolled on to the lawn, and after taking a circuitous +route I sat down by Nina. I had got her at a disadvantage because she +was reading a book which my mother had said was good for her, and if I +sat there long enough and bounced a tennis-ball up and down in front of +me I knew she was bound to talk. For some reason or other I did not +feel like beginning, and this disinclination did not come from +chivalry, but I must confess from fear, Nina being armed with all sorts +of weapons which if I had possessed I should not have known how to use. + +"You seem to be very busy," she said after I had bounced my ball up and +down two hundred and eleven times without missing it. I took no notice +of that remark except to count out loud. "Twelve, thirteen, fourteen" +I went on carefully, and when I was half-way through fifteen she threw +her hat at the ball and, by a miracle, hit it. + +"You are as big a baby now as you were ten years ago," she said. + +"I only wish you were," I answered, and threw the ball away from me. + +"So that I might everlastingly fetch and carry for you and Fred," she +replied quickly. + +"That isn't true," I retorted; "at least if it is true of me it isn't +of Fred. He always treats you well." + +"You will talk to me about Fred until I shall positively hate him." + +"I want to talk about him now," I said. + +"Of course you do, he is your favourite topic of conversation," and +really I believe she knew that if she attacked me I should forget to +talk about Fred. + +"You don't seem to see what a friend he is of mine," I answered. + +"If I liked all the friends of every one I know, I should never have +any time to do anything else." + +"You forget that I happen to be your brother," I said, but I might have +known better than to make such a remark, for she seemed to think it was +amusing. + +"Sometimes you are quite delicious," she returned, and I began to feel +that we were as far off a plain understanding as we had ever been. + +"Look here, Nina, you are beginning to give yourself airs, and it is +time some one told you," I began desperately. "You will be known as a +nice girl gone wrong; you were nice once, and now you talk as if you +know a lot of people and try to make out you are about twice as old as +you really are. It won't do, it really won't; what's the good of +pretending things, it's such a waste of time?" + +She looked away from me when I had finished, and I had not the vaguest +idea how she would reply, but at any rate she did not laugh. + +"You are really serious for once," she said half questioningly. + +"I often try to be serious, only no one ever suspects it," I answered, +unable to keep myself out of it. + +"But you are always one-sided." + +I very nearly said that I had only spoken for her good, but managed to +stop myself, because no one ever believes you when you say it. +Besides, it would have annoyed her, so I was silent. + +"You see you have not got much older, and I have. I couldn't bounce a +ball up and down two hundred and thirteen times now." + +Again I used abstinence and stopped myself from telling her that she +could never have done it, for she was quite solemn, and I thought we +were getting at something. I hoped, too, that we should get it +quickly, for a tired feeling was creeping over me. + +"You are only eighteen," I said. + +"I am nineteen next week," she answered, and I knew that she meant this +both as a rebuke and a reminder. + +"That's not very old." + +"It's old enough for me to know that you and I will never quarrel about +trifles," she said. + +"Then will you come to the 'Varsity match?" I asked. + +"You don't think the 'Varsity match a trifle, do you?" + +"I'm not going to sit here and quibble; you're too clever altogether," +I said, and I got up and wondered in which direction there was most to +do, but Nina stood up, too, and put her hand through my arm. + +"Let us go for a walk by the river before dinner," she said, and after +asking what good she thought that would do I went. + +"My dear Godfrey, you are simply splendid," she went on, "the dearest +old bungler I know. You remind me of the Faulkners' ostrich, which +goes on tapping at the window when it has been opened and there is +nothing to tap at." + +I did not know what she meant, and if that ostrich had not been rather +a friend of mine I should have been insulted. As it was I did not feel +pleased. + +"You will spend your life running your head against brick walls," she +continued. + +"I am not going down to the river if you are going to preach to me," +but we were already half-way there. "What about the 'Varsity match?" + +"You don't understand things, Godfrey." + +"Fred has told me that already," I said sulkily. + +"Oh, has he?" she replied, and I saw that I had stumbled upon something +which made her think. We sat down by the river and did not speak to +each other for a long time, and when Nina broke the silence her mood +had changed completely. She cajoled me; I think that must have been +what she did, and I was weak enough to like it. It was so nice to have +me home again; we were going to have a splendid time together, we +always had been together; Mrs. Faulkner said Oxford spoiled so many men +at first, it made them prigs; but there was no chance of me becoming a +prig, I was just the best sort of brother in the world, because when I +did meddle in other people's business I hated doing it, and did it all +wrong; in the future she would try to do everything to please me, for +she was never happy unless I was. As regards my digestion, I certainly +must have resembled the Faulkners' ostrich, for I swallowed all this; +and when we had walked back home I felt as if my attempt to come to an +understanding had not been a failure. + +When, however, I thought over what she had said I was not so pleased, +for I began to see that if the summer was to be splendid and I was not +to be called a prig I must give up the idea of taking her to the +'Varsity match. In fact, in ten minutes I had come to the conclusion +that I had been made a fool of, but no one could expect me to begin the +thing all over again. I made a resolution then, which is worth +recording because I kept it, that I would never tackle Nina again about +my friends; she was too much for me, I acknowledged to myself, and +apart from determining that she should at least behave decently to +Fred, I made up my mind to keep clear of things which seemed altogether +out of my line. + +It was arranged finally that I should go alone to town for the 'Varsity +match, and should bring Jack Ward back with me. My mother said I must +stay with the Bishop, and if she had not wanted me to go very much I +think I should have found a number of reasons why I had better stay +with him at some other time. For though the Bishop in the country had +made himself quite pleasant, I had a sort of feeling that he had his +eye on me and that this visit would be one of inspection. My +reluctance was apparent to Nina, and one evening she mentioned it +before dinner. + +"I don't see what there is to be afraid of. Think of him as an uncle," +she said. + +"I am not afraid of a hundred bishops," I answered. + +"Then you needn't be nervous about going to stay with half one, because +he's only a suffragan." + +"You shouldn't speak of your uncle in that way, Nina," my mother said. +"It makes no difference whether he is an archbishop or a curate, but I +won't have him spoken of as if he is a fraction." + +"Godfrey used to hate him, at any rate," she replied, simply to create +a diversion. + +"I am sure he didn't," and my mother's eyes turned questioningly upon +me. + +"I did rather bar him at one time until he was decent in the summer, he +used to think himself so funny," I explained. + +"I wish you would talk English," my father said. "Dinner is already a +quarter of an hour late, I am going into the dining-room." He marched +off quickly and Nina began to laugh, but I think she must also have +been a little ashamed of herself. + +"I am a scapegoat for everybody," I said to her; "for you, the cook, +and the gardener's boy, whose whistle is always mistaken for mine." + +"Never mind," she answered, "you don't look very depressed." + +"It isn't fair, all the same; you don't play the game," and as my +mother had already gone into the dining-room to sit rebukefully at a +foodless table I followed her. + +These solemn waitings, which did not happen unfrequently, were comical +to me, and since my father never could understand why Nina and I were +amused at them, he had generally forgotten his original grievance +before dinner began. + +When I got to London I could not help being struck by the difference +between a bishop at work and a bishop at play. The chief impression I +got of my uncle was of a man most strenuously at labour; if he wanted +to lecture me he never had time to do it, and nearly the first thing he +said was that I was to do exactly as I liked, and he gave me a +latch-key so that I might feel that I was a bother to nobody. He was +so extraordinarily kind and simple that I wondered how on earth it was +that I had really hated him at one time, for I had hated him quite +honestly, and I came to the conclusion that as soon as he had ceased to +be a pompous humorist he had become a very nice man. At any rate he no +longer made jokes, and I never had been able to think them good ones, +because those which I remembered had been nearly always directed at me. + +The 'Varsity match was a complete failure owing to the weather, and was +never likely to be finished. Fred made fifteen in the one Oxford +innings, and as the whole side made under a hundred, he didn't do so +badly. But I think Cambridge might have won if the game had been +played out, so when it poured with rain on the third day, I did not +mind very much, apart from the fact that Lord's in wet weather is a +terribly dismal place. I went back about one o'clock to my uncle's +house and having found a huge London directory, I hunted for the name +of Owen. I soon found an address in Victoria Street, which seemed to +be the one for which I was looking. "Professor of Gymnastics, Boxing +and Fencing" was pretty well bound to be right, and in the afternoon I +started off to find Owen. + +I wanted to ask him to come and stay with us as soon as Jack Ward had +gone, and I had already told my mother about his illness, though I had +never mentioned the life-saving tale. I had often wanted to ask my +father what really happened, only having made a promise, I had got to +stick to it, and I wished I had never been fool enough to make it; it +seemed to be making a lot of fuss about nothing. But, if I could +persuade Owen to come, the whole thing would have to be cleared up, and +I thought being in the country would do him so much good, that the +Professor would make him come whether he wanted to or not. I did not +know quite what my father would say when he heard all about Owen, for +in some ways he belonged to what, I believe, is called "the old +school," and clung tenaciously to the belief that there was not a +Radical yet born who did not work night and day for the destruction of +the British Empire. We never talked politics at home, though sometimes +we listened to a lecture. But, as Owen said that he would never have +lived if it had not been for my father, they ought, I imagined, to have +a sort of friendly feeling for each other, though I cannot say that I +felt any great confidence in this idea. I relied more on the fact that +as soon as you had removed the crust from my father, you found a huge +lot of kindness underneath it. He liked to complain, and some people, +who knew him very slightly, thought he liked nothing else, but they +were most hopelessly wrong. + +My chief recollection of that walk along Victoria Street is that my +umbrella was constantly bumping into other umbrellas; I must have tried +to walk too fast, and the result was that by the time I reached the +Professor's, I was hot and splashed, and my umbrella had a large rent +in it. The door of the house was open, and I saw a notice hanging on +the side of the wall which told me to walk up-stairs. What I was to do +when I had walked up-stairs puzzled me, so I went back into the street, +and having rung a bell as a sort of announcement that some one was +coming, I went up slowly. The house seemed to be full of stuffiness +and gloom, so much so that had I been unable to find either the +Professor or his son, I should not have been at all sorry. I was, +however, met on the first landing by a servant who must have been +cleaning a grate when I interrupted her. Her hair was straying over +her face, and as she stood waiting for me to explain my business, she +tried to arrange it properly, but she only succeeded in putting two +large streaks of black upon her nose and forehead. + +"I want to see Professor Owen," I said untruthfully. + +"'E's porely this afternoon." + +"Never mind," I replied quickly, "is Mr. Owen in--his son?" + +"'E don't live 'ere, 'e lives at West-'Am with 'is ornt." + +"Would you give me his address, I won't interrupt the Professor if he +is not well?" + +"Who may you be, I don't remember your fice?" + +"I know Mr. Owen at Oxford, I have never been here before." + +She laughed for a moment and then said she should have to ask the +Professor for the address, but just as I was going to say I would write +and ask him to forward my letter, a door opened on my right, and an +enormous man in a blue pair of trousers and a flannel shirt came out +into the passage. + +"This gent wants Mr. 'Ubert's address," the servant said, and +disappeared very quickly up another flight of stairs. + +"Are you the Professor?" I asked. + +"That's me." + +I held out my hand, but the passage was dark and his attempt to get +hold of it went wide. + +"Will you come into my room? Business, I suppose?" + +I said it was business, and walked into a small sitting-room, which +seemed to be furnished principally with a table, a big arm-chair, and +empty bottles. + +"I'm cleaning up a bit to-day, you must excuse the bottles," he said, +and put his hands on the table. I would have excused everything if +only the room had not been so dreadfully close, and I stood while the +Professor looked at the bottles and finally picked one up and put it +down again in the same place. Then, as if the exertion was too much +for him, he sank with a thud into the chair. + +"You aren't well, I am afraid." + +"No," he answered, "not at all well; damp heat always affects my head." + +I sat down on a box labelled "soda-water" and looked at him. My first +impression of him had been one of huge strength, my second was one of +flabbiness, and no one could help guessing the reason. Everything +about him was huge except his eyes, and they might have been had I been +able to see what they were like, but all I could see was the puffiness +beneath them, and that was enough to make me wish I had never come. I +stared at him for some time, but he did not speak, and at last he began +to breathe so heavily that I had to interrupt him. "I say, Professor," +I began, and he jumped up and began to rub his eyes. Then he sat down +again and putting his elbows on his knees looked at me as if he was +trying to remember what brought me there. + +"This is my afternoon off," he said; "I have no pupils until to-morrow +at ten o'clock, and then I give a fencing-lesson to the Honourable Mr. +Bostock. Perhaps you know him?" + +I said that I did not, and I thought the Professor was a snob. + +"What can I do for you? Fencing or boxing? I trained Ted Tucker years +ago--you remember Ted Tucker, the Bermondsey Bantam as they called him? +My eye, he was a hot 'un with his fists." + +I had never heard of Ted Tucker, and said so. + +"You don't seem to know anybody," he replied, and for the life of me I +could not help laughing. + +"Look here, young man, I'm not going to be laughed at. I may have my +little weakness, but I keep my self-respect, and I'd like you to +remember that, if you can remember anything. Who are you, I've asked +you that before, and where did you come from?" He glared angrily in my +direction and I did not like the look of him at all. + +"I came to see your son," I answered; "I don't want to fence or box, +but his address." + +His manner changed at once. "Are you from Oxford?" he asked. + +"Yes." + +"And you call on my afternoon off, that's most unlucky." He talked all +right but his legs were uncertain, and when he stood up he found the +mantelpiece useful. "Rheumatism, I'm a martyr to it," he said. + +"Very painful," I remarked, and got off my soda-water case. + +"Don't get up, it's passing off. If you're from Oxford, I must put on +a coat and collar. Would you oblige me with your name?" + +"Godfrey Marten," I said. + +"Colonel Marten's son? Here, sit in this chair. I must put on two +coats," and he made a most gurgly kind of sound which must have meant +that he was amused with himself. Then he looked towards the door as if +wondering whether he could reach it. + +"Please don't put on anything for me," I said, and I took his arm and +directed him back to the chair. + +"Your father saved my life, and you're the very image of him. It's +enough to upset an old man like me," and without the slightest warning +tears began to roll down his checks. + +"Cheer up," I said, for I felt very uncomfortable. + +"And you'll go and tell him that you found me--that you called on my +afternoon off." + +"I shan't," I said stoutly. + +"And you've been a good friend to Hubert." + +"That's nothing; I want his address in West Ham." + +"Don't say it's nothing, no deed of kindness was yet cast away in this +world of sin," and two more tears began to roll. + +"Stop that kind of thing, I simply can't stand it. Pull yourself +together," I said, "and if you will give me his address I'll go." + +"Don't go, you must stay and have a cup of tea. The Colonel, I hope +he's well?" + +"He's all right; you write to him still, don't you?" + +"No, I never write to him." + +"Hubert told me you did." + +"He made a mistake. The Colonel and I quarrelled, but you must never +say a word. I was treated badly, but I don't bear anybody any grudge, +leastways not to the man who saved my life. Hasn't he ever told you +about it?" + +"Never." + +"That's like him, but he will never want to hear my name again; I +should take it as a favour if you will not mention it." + +"Why shouldn't I?" I asked. + +He stood up again and was ever so much better. + +"I was misunderstood," he said. + +"How did you ever know anything about me?" + +"The gymnasium instructor at Cliborough is my brother-in-law. He was +in the old regiment. He told me about you." + +"He taught me fencing," I said, and added, "But why did you want Hubert +to see me?" + +"You do want to get to the bottom of things; would you like some tea?" + +I did not want any tea, but I asked if I might open the window, and +then I took my case across the room and got some air. + +"It's right for every man to have one ambition," he said, in the way +which made me loathe him. + +"What's yours?" I asked promptly. + +"That Hubert shall be a gentleman, that's why I wanted him to know you, +only he's so shy----" + +"Good gracious!" was all I could exclaim, and it did not express my +astonishment in the least. + +"You'd have done very well for my job if he'd only buttoned on to you." + +"He is not the kind of man to 'button on.'" + +"Don't you teach your grandfather to suck eggs," he said angrily. "I +like your impudence, but I'm busted if I can put up with it," but +before I could answer him he was apologizing and shaking my hand most +vigorously. + +At that moment Hubert opened the door, and both saw and heard what was +happening. + +The Professor turned round quickly and forgot to drop my hand, with the +result that I was pulled from my soda-water case on to the floor. + +"I thought," he gasped, "it was old Ally Sloper." + +I managed to escape from him and to stand up. Hubert, however, did not +say anything, but began to brush my coat with his hand. + +"Who is Ally Sloper?" I asked, for I began to think that the Professor, +who was looking ashamed of himself, was a lunatic. + +"He's Mr. King, the man who helps me at Oxford, he dresses rather +funnily," Hubert explained. + +"He bothers me when I am not well," the Professor added, but he did not +seem certain what line to take and kept his back turned to both of us. + +"If you would only be well, he wouldn't bother you," Hubert said at +once. + +"I am better than I used to be. You know how the weather upsets me, I +haven't had an afternoon off for six weeks. Ask Emily," and when he +turned round the tears were once more rolling down his cheeks, and I +was desperately afraid that I was in for a regular scene. + +"You are nearly all right now," I said, "and I must be going if Hubert +will walk a little way with me." + +He took my hand again and held it. "You will not think very badly of +an old man who has served his country," he said. + +"No, but I do think you ought to be----" and then I stopped. + +"What?" + +"It's no business of mine." + +"You are the son of the man who saved my life." + +"Oh don't," I replied, and a tear dropping plump on the back of my hand +settled me. "I was going to say ashamed of yourself." + +"To think that any one should say that in the presence of my son," he +said, and dropped my hand. + +"I have said it a hundred times, but no one else has ever had the pluck +to," Hubert put in. + +"Kick a worm when he doesn't turn," he said confusedly. + +"That's all rot," I answered, and something compelled me to walk up to +him and tap him on the shoulder. "You aren't a worm, and I wouldn't +dare to kick you. Wouldn't dare, do you see; you're a fine, big chap, +why in heaven's name don't you pull yourself together? I don't know +much about it, but I'll bet it's worth it. A man like you oughtn't to +go crying like a baby." + +"No sympathy," he moaned. + +"Rot," I said again. "I shall tell my uncle about you, he'll be a +jolly useful friend." + +"What's he?" + +"A parson." + +"Two pennuth of tea and a tract. No thanks," he shook his head +decidedly. + +"He's not that kind. A man isn't bound to be an ass because he is a +parson." + +"You seem to have kind of taken charge of me," he said. + +"I don't mean any harm," and then, for it was no time for facts, I +added, "I like you, you are an awfully good sort, really." + +"Me and the parson uncle," he said, and he gave a hoarse chuckle. "We +should do well in double harness. I'd pull his head off in about ten +minutes." + +"May I ask him to call on you?" + +"You'd better see what Hubert says. I'm only a dummy." + +"A good big dummy," I answered, with the intention of taking myself off +pleasantly. + +"Oh, be rude. Trample on me, call me names," and then swelling out his +chest and glaring at me, he added, "Hit me." + +"I shouldn't care to risk it," I returned, and asked Hubert, who had +been walking aimlessly round the room, if he was ready. + +We left at last, and were pursued down-stairs by volleys of apologies. +I had to stop twice and shout back that I was not offended and that I +forgave everything, though from the way I had talked to him it struck +me that he had about as much to forgive as I had. + +We walked towards Victoria without speaking, and when I did try to talk +I was most horribly hoarse, I must have fairly shouted at the Professor. + +"My father's often like that after an afternoon off," Owen said +presently. "He's first angry and then apologetic, and in the end he's +most horribly ashamed of himself. Wednesday afternoon is his worst +time, and I generally try to be with him and then he's all right, but I +got stopped to-day. He comes down to my aunt's on Sundays, though he +hates it." + +"I believe he would like my uncle, he wouldn't jaw and cant." + +"Do as you like. I've never thanked you, except in letters, for seeing +me through that illness." + +"How are you now?" + +"All right; I feel as if I have been ill, that's all." + +"You've got to come down to Worcestershire," I said; "a fortnight there +will do you more good than years of West Ham." + +"I can't do that," he answered at once. + +We turned into Victoria Station and sat down on a bench. For some +minutes I listened to his objections and answered them; in all my life +I do not think I have ever been quite so sorry for any one, though I +had sense enough not to tell him so. I felt rather a brute when I left +him; it seemed to me that I had been having a most splendid time +without knowing it, while he had been having a very wretched one, but I +can't keep on feeling a brute long enough for it to do me any good, if +feeling a brute ever does any good. + +I overcame all Owen's objections, and I made him promise to come to +Worcestershire, but as soon as I had time to think about it I wondered +what on earth I should do with him when I had got him. I could count +on my mother as an ally. I did not altogether know what my father +would think, and Nina, as far as I was concerned, was represented by x +in a problem to which no one had ever found an answer which was +anything like right. + +The first thing to do, however, was to go for the Bishop, and I think I +can say that I went for him at some length. I didn't explain well, or +he was very stupid, because he got dreadfully mixed up before he got +the facts of the case clearly, and I can't say that he seemed +altogether pleased when I told him that I had as good as promised that +he would be a friend to the Professor. + +"As it is, I am rushed off my legs. Who was it you said he had +trained?" + +"Ted Tucker." I had brought that in as a piece of local colour or +whatever it is called, just to liven things up a bit, but I am afraid +it was a mistake. + +"You see, I don't know anything about prize-fighters. I did box once, +but that's years ago." + +"Why, you're the very man," I exclaimed. "He'd love you; he's not a +bit more like a prize-fighter than he is like a Professor, he's more +like a sort of prehistoric man in blue trousers and a shirt." + +But prehistoric men did not seem to appeal to my uncle any more than +prize-fighters. He looked very sombre indeed, so much so that I was +quite impressed, but I had taken this job in hand and really had to see +it through. So I talked, and I won in the way all my few triumphs have +been won, by talking until the other man wanted to go to bed. + +"I like your enthusiasm, Godfrey," he said at last, "and I wouldn't +check it for the world. I will do all I possibly can, both with the +Professor and with your people. But you can't persuade me that your +father will like the son of a man, who has been dismissed from the army +for some cause, to come down and stay with you." + +"Don't you tell that to anybody else," I said. "Owen only told me this +afternoon, he's only just found it out himself." + +"Are you going to tell your father all this?" + +"Everything except that the Professor gets drunk now, and you're going +to stop that," I added cheerfully. + +"Oh, am I?" he answered, "I can't help wishing that it had not rained +this afternoon and that you had been safely at Lord's." + +"Well you can't say that I've wasted my time." + +"You have got your hands too full, considering that you have promised +to work this summer. Don't forget you have got to work, we don't want +any fourth in Mods," and then he wished me good-night, and on the next +day I went home with Jack Ward, who had a most astounding lot of +luggage. + +I am not going to describe my first summer vac at any length, because +if I once began I should not have any idea when to stop, it was the +kind of time which made gloomy people cheerful and cheerful people +gloomy; silly, ridiculous things happened, and Mrs. Faulkner was at the +bottom of most of them. She even found a niece for me, but that came +to nothing, for the niece was a very nice girl and in a week we +understood each other beautifully. She stayed a month with the +Faulkners and thought of me as a brother, which was most satisfactory; +sometimes, however, she treated me like one and then I was not so +pleased. + +Jack Ward and Nina, in my opinion, behaved none too well; but my father +liked Jack and my mother did not say much about him, which explains the +whole thing. He was always ready to do anything, and his only fault in +my father's eyes was that he was never in time for breakfast. + +I was chiefly engaged during his visit in paving the way for Owen's. I +told my mother everything and wanted to tackle my father at once, but +she said I must wait for a favourable opportunity. I waited a whole +week, and it had a most depressing effect on me, so I just walked into +his study at last and got it over. It happened to be a damp day, +during which he had felt two twinges of lumbago, but he forgot those +twinges before he had done with me. I bore everything he said +silently, because when he is in a furious rage in the beginning he +tails off wonderfully at the end. It seemed that he had a very low +opinion of the Professor, and he declared emphatically that he was not +going to have his house made into a sanatorium. I listened to a crowd +of disagreeable facts about my new friend, and my father declared that +even the sight of his son would give him an attack of gout. "It is +true," he said, "that I did save his life, and he had, as far as that +went, cause to be grateful, and he wasn't grateful but a disgrace to +the regiment. I want to forget all about the man and then you rake him +up again, and you say that stupid uncle of yours, who plays cricket +when he ought to be writing sermons, is going to be a friend to him. +It's more than I can or will put up with," and he banged _The +Nineteenth Century_ down on his writing-table so violently that he +upset a vase of roses and some of the water went into his ink-pot. +After that he was incoherent for a minute, and I, not knowing what to +say, remarked that the Bishop could not be expected to write sermons +during his holidays. + +"A bishop ought always to be writing sermons," was his only answer, and +I guessed that his rage had reached its climax. I tried to lower the +flood on his table by means of my pocket-handkerchief, and waited. + +"What sort of a fellow is this son who pushes himself upon you in this +way? It's monstrous." + +"He's quiet and all right, and he has never pushed himself at all. I +made him promise to come; he didn't want to, only it's his chance to +get well and he must take it. You would have done the same thing." + +"What's he like?" + +"He's not exactly like any one else I know at Oxford, but----" + +"Of course he isn't." + +"I was going to say no one could possibly dislike him." + +"I suppose he will have to come, but I want you to understand that in +future I insist on knowing whom you want to ask here before you ask +them. I am exceedingly annoyed, I shall go and see your mother." + +I went with him, as when I am about I generally manage to absorb most +of his anger, but after a few outbursts my mother soothed him, and in +the end he even gave a grim sort of smile when I said that unless he +had saved the Professor there would have been no bother about his son. + +"Don't call that man a Professor," he said, "he's a humbug, he always +was and always will be, and if it wasn't that I am sorry for a son who +has such a father I wouldn't be talked over by you. But you have given +your uncle something to think about," and that idea sent him smiling to +the window. + +One most splendid thing happened while Jack Ward was staying with us, +for just before he was going away Nina fell into the river again and +Jack was superb enough idiot to repeat his previous performance and +jump in after her. I met them trying to get into the house by a back +way, and from the look of them I saw that they were feeling rather +silly. It is all very well to fall into one river, but when you start +going overboard anywhere the thing becomes comical, and they fell from +their high position as rescued and rescuer and had to put up with a +good deal of wit, as we understood it at home. I didn't say much, +because Nina was better than I was at saying things, but whenever I saw +her I gave way to fits of silent laughter. I can't think how I thought +of that dodge, it was so extraordinarily successful and so far above my +average efforts, and as soon as I saw that it was working properly, I +did not mind being called anything she liked. And my father, being +particularly well just then, helped me by what, I was determined to +believe, were very humorous remarks. Jack did not hear many of them, +but the few he did hear must have upset him a little, for he tried to +explain himself by saying that he would jump into anything to save a +kitten, which from the look of Nina did not seem to satisfy her much. +In the end I don't believe she was as sorry for Jack to go as I was. +She could not stand being a family joke, and I, having suffered in that +way many times, could have sympathized with her if I had not thought +that it was much the best thing which could happen. + +I felt dull after Jack went, for he was the sort of man who does +brighten up a place, and he was never by any chance bored; besides, I +was wondering how I could make Owen enjoy himself, because the only +thing I knew about him was that he did not care for any exercise except +walking, and I hoped that he would be reasonable about the distances he +wanted to go. + +However, the day before he was to come, Miss Read arrived, which was an +idea of my mother's, and a very good one. Miss Read had been Nina's +governess for eight years, and she knew all of us better than we knew +ourselves. She was a kind of tonic when any of us were depressed, and +a cooling draught when we were angry; in my case she had seldom been a +tonic, but all the same when she had left us at Easter I was very +sorry. She was the only person I have ever seen of whom Nina was +really afraid. I am sure she could have told some funny tales if she +had felt inclined. She was supposed to be coming to see Nina, who was +going to Paris in a few weeks to be "finished," but I am sure that my +mother thought Owen would like her, and that she would like him. And +as it happened, they were both botanists and butterfly-catchers, at +least Miss Read knew a lot about butterflies, though her time for +catching them had gone by, and they were always doing things together. + +Worcestershire must certainly be a better place than West Ham for a +botanist, and after Owen had got used to us I believe he enjoyed +himself. We worked together in the mornings, which pleased my father, +and he let my mother give him as much medicine as she wanted to, which +pleased her, and I feeling virtuous after reading every morning for +nearly four hours, was very pleased with myself. But he was in a +mortal terror of Nina, though she really never gave him any cause to +be, and made the most valiant efforts to learn the Latin names of +plants. Miss Read and he made excursions and grubbed about in hedges, +and Nina and I often met them at some place to have tea. It wasn't +very exciting, for I had always to carry the kettle and the things to +eat; but the sun shone most of the time, which was really a blessing, +because on wet days Owen persuaded me to work in the afternoons as well +as the mornings, and that was more than I had ever thought of doing in +a vac. + +I suppose Owen was what is generally called a smug, but he was not one +by choice but by compulsion, which is the best kind I should think. He +was so totally different from any other kind of friend I have ever had +that I sometimes caught myself wondering whether I really liked him. +But I could always satisfy myself about that, for there was one thing +about him which no one could help liking; he was most tremendously +clever and never tried to make out that he was, and having already seen +plenty of people who were about as clever as I was, and who talked as +if they were Solomon and Solon rolled into one, I was grateful to him. +We got on very well together, though we had not got a single thing in +common, except that we both liked sunshine; and that can't be said to +be much, for I have only met one man in England who did not like the +sun, and he had been affected, permanently, by too much of it. + +Men get blamed freely enough for putting on side about playing cricket +and football well, and they deserve all they get, but the men who put +on intellectual side ought, I think, to be spoken to more severely, +because they get worse as they get older, while the first sort of side +generally dies an early death. Owen was a kind of encyclopaedia, who +did not air or advertise himself, and I thought him a very rare +specimen. Athletics meant no more to him than botany or butterflies +meant to me, but when he went away my father said emphatically that it +was refreshing to think Oxford turned out some men who took interest in +useful things. I did not answer that remark, because he did not really +know very much about Oxford, and his occasional hobby was that the +country was being ruined by too many games. "A very well-conducted +young man," he said of Owen, "always up in the morning, and always +ready to go to bed at night." + +"He looked much better when he went away than when he came," my mother +said; "I hope we shall see him down here again." + +"I think he means to make a name for himself," Miss Read added; "he +knows exactly what he wants." + +Nina yawned, and although I thought my father need not have described +Owen as a well-conducted young man, I was thankful that his visit had +passed off so well, and I said nothing. + +After Owen had gone away we had a fellow to stay with us out of my +brother's regiment. He was home on sick-leave, but had quite recovered +from whatever had been the matter with him, and was as full of bounce +as a tennis-ball. Mrs. Faulkner loved him and wanted Nina to follow +her example, as far as I could make out, for she gave a dance and a +moonlight supper party on the river. Mr. Faulkner, who was always more +or less semi-detached, disappeared before the supper-party, which he +told me was a midsummer madness. + +"There will be a mist and the food will be damp and horrid, and +everybody will be wanting foot-warmers and hot-water bottles before +they have done, you had better put on your thickest clothes and borrow +my fur overcoat," he said to me. And he was a true prophet, for Nina +caught a violent cold in her head, which checked and really put a stop +to a more violent flirtation. + +Nina went to Paris a few days after Fred came to us, and we all agreed +that she would enjoy herself there, though I do not believe that any of +us really thought she would. As a matter-of-fact she was so home-sick +that my mother would have gone to fetch her back if it had not been for +Miss Read, who was blessed with much courage and common-sense. Mrs. +Faulkner tried her hardest to persuade my mother to bring Nina home +again, and she came to our house and wept so much that I thought she +was sure to win. But Miss Read met tears with arguments, until Mrs. +Faulkner stopped crying, and having lost her temper, forgot that Miss +Read had not only been Nina's governess, but was also one of my +mother's greatest friends. So Nina stayed in Paris, and I wrote to her +twice a week for a fortnight, but after that she began sending me +messages in other people's letters, and I was sorry for her no longer. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD + +After Nina went to Paris Fred spent most of his time in trying to be +cheerful, but for some days he looked as if he had lost something and +expected to find it round the next corner. I was very patient, though +I do not believe he understood how often I wanted to argue with him. +By the end of the vac, however, he had forgotten to be gloomy, and I +hoped that Oxford would cure him altogether, for he had a good chance +of getting his Rugger blue, and he had got to read; besides, I have +never been able to see that perpetual gloom is of any use to anybody. + +I went back to St. Cuthbert's full of desperate resolutions. I wanted +to make every one in the college understand that it was the slackest +place in Oxford, and having done that I wished to find the men who +would make it keener. The scheme was a gigantic one for me to take up; +it needed tact, and I went at it so vigorously that in a few days I had +offended some men and had succeeded in making others look upon me as a +freak. Dennison told me that I had a bee in my bonnet. If he had said +that I was mad I should not have minded, but those horrid little +expressions of his always tried me very much, and I am bound to confess +that my first efforts to rouse the college met with more ridicule than +success. Very few men seemed to care what happened to us, and nearly +everybody pretended that our eight would rise again, and our footer +teams cease to be laughed at, though no one tried to make them any +better. Dennison wrote a skit called "The Decline and Fall of St. +Cuthbert's"; and some artist, who thought that my nose was as big as my +arm, made a drawing of me in which I was trying to carry the college on +my back, and was so overburdened by the weight of it that nothing but +my nose prevented me from being crushed to the ground. It was very +funny and also very unfair in more ways than one, because I did not +start my crusade with any idea of becoming important, and I have no +feature which is superlatively large. + +This skit of Dennison's really settled me for a time, but I did stir up +one or two men whom I had never expected to do anything. Jack Ward +stopped driving about with Bunny Langham, and began to play footer, and +Collier actually went down to the river every afternoon. Physical +incapability prevented him from rowing well, but he persuaded several +other men, who did not suffer as he did, to go through the same +drudgery, and for self-sacrifice I thought he was hard to beat, because +he was quite a comical sight in a boat. What good did come from my +first crusade was due chiefly to him; a kind of revivalist spirit was +upon him, and many unsuspecting freshers who had only thought of the +river as a place to avoid, were unable to resist his entreaties. + +The dons heard of my crusade, and I know that Mr. Edwardes did not like +it, but I had two of them on my side, and the others did not take any +active measures against me. Mr. Edwardes took the trouble to tell me +that I was mistaken in thinking that the reputation of St. Cuthbert's +depended upon athletics, and I answered that I had never supposed +anything of the kind, but that I thought a college which was slack +about other things would end by being slack in the schools. This reply +of mine surprised him so much that he told me that any campaign to be +successful must be managed by the right people, and I agreed with him +cordially, for although I knew that plenty of men would have worried +everybody out of their slackness much more successfully than I could, I +was not going to tell him so. + +The Bursar supported me soundly, and we had a new don at the beginning +of my second year who took a most invigorating interest in the college. +He was known to us as "The Bradder," and though his real name was +Bradfield it was seldom used, and as far as we were concerned he could +have done quite well without it. I had become so accustomed to aged +dons that I could not understand him at first, he was so very young. +He was also reported to be very clever, but I was so impressed by his +youthfulness that it took me some time to believe that he would ever +count for much. I ought, however, to have known that The Bradder was +not the kind of man who would allow himself to become a nonentity, for +he was full of energy and determination. + +I was never able to find out how the dons heard of my scheme, but they +find out most things by some extraordinary means, and The Bradder spoke +to me very encouragingly about it, though he looked at me as if I +amused him in some odd sort of way. He also asked me to breakfast, +which I thought was carrying kindness a little too far. I anticipated +the usual thing--a crowd of men with large appetites, and a host who +abstained from food in his efforts to provide conversation; but when I +went to The Bradder's rooms I found that I was in for a _tete-a-tete_, +and my opinion of the other kind of breakfast rose considerably. As a +don I was not in the least nervous of him, but as a host I thought he +might be overwhelming. + +That he ever lived through this meal without laughing was a marvel, for +when I was sitting opposite to him my nervousness vanished, and I told +him exactly what I thought about every subject he suggested, and it was +not until I had left him that it occurred to me that I had been talking +nearly all the time, and that he had said very little. I determined +that he was a most thoroughly good sort, but the idea of his being a +don struck me as being absurd. I put him on my side with the Warden +and the Bursar, and thought that Mr. Edwardes was in a hopeless +minority of one in persecuting me, for I looked upon the Subby as a man +who had been born to be neutral. I do not suppose that I should ever +have started my first crusade if I had known that it was going to cause +the mildest of sensations. As far as I had thought about it at all, I +had imagined that everybody in St. Cuthbert's would be glad to see the +college take its usual place again, and certainly I had no idea that I +should be violently supported and opposed. The captains of everything +were in favour of less slackness, but Dennison and all his set said +that an Oxford college was not a public school, and talked a lot of +nonsense about the iniquity of compulsory games. No further proof is +needed to show how unfair they were, for a man must be mad to dream of +compulsory games at Oxford, and such an idea never entered my head. +But all this talking made me wish that I had never said or done +anything, and before long I was heartily tired of the whole thing, for +my own affairs became rather more than I could manage. + +At the beginning of the term I had moved into larger rooms, and I was +elected to both Vincent's and the St. Cuthbert's wine club. Murray +advised me not to join the wine club, because I was an exhibitioner, +and the dons would be sure to fix their eyes steadfastly upon me if I +did. But Jack Ward was very anxious for me to join, and every other +member, except Dennison, who was only elected when I was, spoke to me +about it. So I became one of the twelve Mohocks, which only meant that +I could give a guest a good dinner three or four times a term, and +after that take him to the rooms of the club where there was a big +dessert, and old Rodoski, who was concealed in the bedder, unless some +one asked him to show himself, provided music. When we had finished +with Rodoski we went out of college and played pool, and then we came +back and played cards. There was not much harm about the whole thing, +and occasionally it was quite dull, but some of our dons had got hold +of the idea that a Mohock must be a rowdy and riotous person. Mr. +Edwardes was one of them, and I found out very soon that he considered +that I ought not to have joined the club. I did not, however, feel in +the least like resigning, for though there were one or two members who +took delight in nothing which was not an orgie, they were generally +suppressed before they made much noise. A club of this kind depends a +good deal upon its President, and we had a man who thought far too much +of the reputation of the Mohocks to insult his guests by a common +pandemonium. + +My position with Mr. Edwardes had become a critical one when I broke my +collar-bone playing against Richmond, and suddenly ceased to be a +culprit and became an invalid. At the time I was very sick at my +footer ending so abruptly, but my accident was really a stroke of good +luck, for I feel certain that I should have been turned out of the +'Varsity fifteen anyhow. An Irish international named Hogan had come +up who was, I thought, a really good full-back, and each time I was +asked to play for the 'Varsity I expected to be my last. But as soon +as there was no chance of my playing against Cambridge I got no end of +sympathy, and nearly all the team told me that my absence weakened the +side, though previously some of them had said the same thing about my +presence. My accident settled the question of who was to be the +'Varsity back quite conveniently; it also made me give up all thoughts +of my crusade, and gave me plenty of time to read. I should not think +anybody's collar-bone has ever been broken at such an opportune moment. +Fred played against Cambridge, but our forwards were hopelessly beaten, +and no one distinguished himself for us except Hogan, who lost two +teeth and covered himself with glory. + +At the end of the Lent term both Fred and I got seconds in Moderations; +mine was not a good second and Fred's was almost a first, so what would +have happened if Fred had been smashed up instead of me is not worth +inquiring, for there is no doubt that I did more work than he did. +Murray got a first, which was what everybody expected; he was one of +the few men I have ever seen who read logic because he liked it. + +I cannot say that Mr. Edwardes was very pleased about my second, for he +had told me I should be lucky to get a third, and in my case I believe +he would rather have been a truthful prophet than a moderately +successful tutor. When I asked him if I might read history for my +final examinations he was doubtful if I was not seeking a degree by the +least fatiguing way, but The Bradder was a history tutor, and although +I had found out that he was a very strenuous man, I meant to work with +him. So after many warnings against idleness I was allowed to do as I +wanted, and Mr. Edwardes got rid of me, which must have pleased him +very much. I do not think that any one else ever upset him so +completely as I did, and I have never been able to find out why he +disapproved of me to such an extent, unless it was that until I got +accustomed to him I thought him funny, and when I think anybody or +anything funny I have to laugh. No one else laughed at Mr. Edwardes +except me, and I should not have done so if I could have helped it, but +an unintentionally comic don causes a lot of trouble. + +Mr. Grace, the senior history don in St. Cuthbert's, was more like a +very benevolent parent than a tutor. Perhaps he was rather old for his +work, but he was so extraordinarily peaceful that you could not help +liking him, and I had a vague feeling that he was my grandfather. The +change from Mr. Edwardes to him was like going to bed in a choppy sea +and waking up in a punt on the Cherwell. I can't explain the feeling I +had for him, but he seemed to be surrounded by a homely atmosphere, and +he reminded me of hot-water bottles and well-aired beds without making +me feel stuffy. You worked for him because it struck you as being +hopelessly unfair to annoy him if you could help it. He was a most +pleasant old gentleman, and a very convenient tutor to have in a summer +term. The Bradder, however, to whom I had also to read essays, scoffed +when I told him that I had two years and a term before my examinations, +and generally speaking allowed me to see that he was going to stand no +nonsense. If he had been less of a sportsman I should have thought him +more inconvenient, for I never found an excuse which he considered a +reasonable one, and after I had done two very short essays for him he +let me understand that I must do more work if I wanted him to be +pleasant. + +"Look here, Marten, it won't do," he said to me when I had read my +second essay to him, which even surprised me by its early closing. +"This could not have taken you a quarter of an hour to write, and you +have read it in five minutes." + +I had tried to lengthen my essay by stopping to discuss any point which +might make him talk, but he knew all about that time-worn device, and +had told me to finish reading before we discussed anything, and when I +had finished there did not seem much to discuss. + +"It's the summer term, and I read very fast," I said, because he was +waiting for me to say something. + +"Don't," he answered; "poor excuses are worse than none. When I began +to read history, I wrote telegrams instead of essays, and I tried to +make my tutor talk so that he should fill up the time, just as you have +done. But I found out in a month that history is not a joke, and that +my tutor was not a fool. You have got to read seriously, whatever else +you may do; we may as well understand each other from the start." + +I gathered up my essay slowly, for he had, as he spoke, scattered what +there was of it over the table. + +"It would be better to use a note-book than any odd piece of paper that +happens to come your way," he said, and added, "if you are slack about +your work, you may end by being slack at other things." + +"So you have been talking to Mr. Edwardes about me," I said, and I was +annoyed. + +"Perhaps it would be truer to say that Mr. Edwardes has been talking to +me about you," he answered. "You will probably like history very much +if you will only give yourself a chance; don't think a fourth is any +good to you--or me." + +"I'm only just through Mods," I replied, "you do go at a fearful rate." + +"You will have to be bustled until you get interested," he answered, +"and I will bustle you all right, you can trust me to do that." + +I expect that The Bradder knew that I should not care about being +bustled by him, and the result of his conversation with me was that he +got a great deal of essay out of me with very little trouble to +himself, though I thought that he was mistaken in making me start at +such a furious pace, and I asked him, without any effect, if he had +ever heard of men being overtrained. + +Although no one expected our eight to make any bumps, I think they +astonished everybody by going down four places, and as we were being +bumped by colleges which were generally in danger of being bottom of +the river, a wholesome feeling spread over most of us that as a joke +our rowing was nearly played out. We began to talk about what we would +do next year, but Jack Ward was so disgusted with everything that he +suddenly determined that he had wasted nearly two years, and meant to +make up for lost time by doing everything with all his might. + +I thought these terrific resolutions came from a row he had with +Dennison about cards, a disagreeable row in which Dennison said such +nasty things that had I been Jack, I should have picked him up and +dropped him out of the window; but by some extraordinary means Jack +kept his temper until he told him to shut up, and that ended the whole +thing, for Dennison knew when it was wise to be silent. I did not +think much of Jack's resolutions, for he had been doing no work for +such a long time and with such perfect success, that a complete change +was more than I was able to grasp. Every one in St. Cuthbert's was +supposed to read for honours in some school or other, and Jack, having +scrambled through pass "Mods," had for a year pretended to read law. I +never saw him doing it, but he had a most effective way of fooling +dons, and, as far as his work was concerned, he never seemed to be +worried. When, however, he came to me three weeks before the end of +the term, and told me he was going to give up law and read history, I +thought he was seeking trouble. + +"You will have to work if you have anything to do with The Bradder," I +told him. + +"For the last ten minutes I have been trying to make you understand +that I want to work," he answered, but still I did not believe him. + +"All your law will be wasted," I said. + +"I don't know any, so that's all right." + +"But the dons won't let you change." + +"I can manage them; the history people won't want me, but the law +people will be glad to get rid of me, I have sounded them already." + +"You will end by reading theology," I said. + +He gave a great laugh and said he didn't know where he should end, and +that all he wanted to do was to work. But he spoke of working as if it +was a new sort of game, and I thought his desire to try it would vanish +as quickly as it had come, so I was surprised when he tackled The +Bradder, and persuaded him that history was the only subject in which +he could ever take a decent class. Without the consent of anybody, he +stopped going to the lectures to which he was supposed to go, and came +to my rooms at all hours of the day to borrow books and read them. +Apparently he had become a kind of free-lance, having shaken off his +old tutors and not having got any new ones, but he read through a short +history of England three times in a week because he said he wanted a +good solid ground-work to build upon. Perhaps The Bradder asked that +he might be left alone, for certainly no one bothered him and he +bothered nobody with the exception of me. I admit that I found him a +very great nuisance, for I had been compelled to read during the last +two terms, and I had not been smitten with any enthusiasm for an +examination which was in the far distance. In fact I wanted to slack, +and I did not see why Jack should choose my rooms to work in. The mere +sight of him annoyed me; he took his coat off and turned up his +shirt-sleeves to read, and whenever I made the slightest noise he told +me to be quiet. I impressed upon him most earnestly that he could go +anywhere he liked or didn't like, but he had settled upon me, and +nothing I did could make him go or lose his temper. After a few days I +got quite accustomed to him, and I believe that I should have missed +him if he had not come to annoy me, but he showed no signs of +slackening off, and I was watching for them every day. + +We were within a few days of the end of term before I believed that +Jack had any serious intentions of changing his manner of living, and +then he explained the whole thing to me. + +"I have worked for a solid fortnight," he said to me, "and if I can go +on for a fortnight I can go on for two years. I didn't want to explain +anything until I knew whether it was any good, for I have never worked +before in my life and I didn't know what it was like. My father has +suddenly got very sick with me, and says I have got to read or go down +altogether; besides I am tired of doing nothing, and there are enough +slackers in the college without me. We have got to pull this place +together somehow." He threw himself into an arm-chair and picked up +_The Ordeal of Richard Feverel_. "George Meredith," he said, "I tried +him once," and he shook his head. + +"Try him again." + +"I shan't have time, you are always coming out in unexpected places. I +should have thought you would have liked a good sporting novel, I can't +understand Meredith." + +"The Bradder told me to read this." + +"The Bradder's an idiot; you be careful, or you'll write stuff which +the examiners won't trouble to read. An examiner doesn't like any +other style except his own." + +"How do you know?" I asked. + +"I guess from the look of them, they must get so horribly tired; facts +are what I mean to give them, piles of dates and things like that. +Just let 'em know what I know at once and no rot about it." + +"You have got to write essays, not answer questions like a +Sunday-school class," I said, and yawned. + +"The Bradder will have to teach me all about essays, but I am going to +stick to plain English, no going round corners for me. I mean to row +next year, and I am going to be coached in the vac; if I don't get into +the college eight next summer, I----" + +"Aren't you going to do a lot?" I interrupted him by asking. + +"I have always done a lot; hunting three times a week is a lot when you +play footer and cards as well. We will read after dinner for three +hours." + +I yawned again, for I had had very little fun for some time, and I felt +as if a little relaxation would do me good. An Irish M.P. was coming +to speak during that evening about the advantages of Home Rule, and +although I thought Home Rule meant the disruption of the Empire and +many other things, I wanted to hear what this man had to say, and to +see if anything exciting happened. The Bradder had told me that there +was a good deal to be said in favour of Home Rule, but I put him down +as a Radical and did not take any notice of him. The first thing I can +ever remember about politics was my father saying that Radicals talked +nothing but nonsense, and that had remained with me and was mixed up +with the things which I most truly believed. The Bradder, however, +made me think that Radicals were not bound to be hopeless persons. I +don't know how he did it, but I think it was by telling me that I was +one at heart. I never thought half so badly of them after that. + +But if what I must apologize for calling my politics were rather wobbly +just then, ten thousand Bradders could not make me a Home Ruler, and +had I not known that other things happen at political meetings in +Oxford besides the ordinary programme, I might have been content to +stay in college and go on being dull and peaceable. As it was I +thought that Jack and I had earned something in the way of excitement, +and after a good deal of persuasion he started with me, but when we got +to the meeting the place was packed with an audience which, from the +noise, seemed to consist largely of undergraduates singing "Rule +Britannia." We talked eloquently to the men at the doors, without +getting past them. One of them told me that they had already admitted +far too many of our kind, and then added that there was no room for +anybody else whatever kind he might be, so we went over to Bunny +Langham's rooms, which--for he was not living in college--were opposite +the hall in which the M.P. was speaking. There were more than +half-a-dozen men in Bunny's rooms when we got to them, and I found out +that he had been scattering invitations broadcast during the afternoon. +A lot of other men came in soon afterwards, but nobody did anything +more extraordinary than sing out of tune until the meeting had +finished. I was sitting by the window looking down on the people who +had been in the hall, and nearly everybody had gone out of St. +Aldgate's when Bunny came up to me and said he thought he should make a +short speech. He went away and came back with a horn, which he blew so +lustily that in two or three minutes he had collected a small crowd in +front of the house. + +"They are not enough," he said, and he blew on his horn until I should +think fifty or sixty people were standing in the street. Then he put +his head out of the window and shouted, "Silence. I will, if you will +permit me, say a few words to you on burning questions of the day." +The crowd was almost entirely made up of loafers from the town, and +they received him with loud cries of approval. + +"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he began, and was told at once to speak +up, and asked if his mother knew he was out and other ancient +questions, which interrupted but did not discourage him. + +"Fellow-citizens of Oxford," he repeated, "who have assembled in your +thousands----" His next words were drowned by a rude man, with a +blatant voice, telling him that he was a blooming liar. + +"Fellow-citizens and burgesses of Oxford, who have assembled in your +thousands to hear--" Bunny began once more, but the rude man shouted +that he was not at a concert, and when he wanted to listen to the same +thing over and over again he was not too shy to say so. + +"I shall have to ask you to remove that gentleman, he is mistaking me +for one of his unfortunate family," Bunny shouted back, and was told to +go on and not mind Tom Briggs. It was not possible, however, for him +to make himself heard, and instead of continuing his speech he and Tom +Briggs talked to each other, until some one behind me threw a banana at +Tom and knocked his hat off. At the same moment I saw the proctor and +his bull-dogs coming down the street, and in a minute we had turned out +all the lights in the room and gone up-stairs. There we stayed until +we heard the proctor leave the house. + +"That's a bit of luck," said Jack, as we sat down again. + +"I can't make out what the deuce has happened," Bunny answered, "he +must have spotted the house." + +"Perhaps he didn't want to catch us; after all we were not doing much," +some man, whose experience of proctors must have been limited, said. + +We got back to the room and heard a tremendous booing in the street, +for the crowd, deprived of their fun, were letting the proctor know +what they thought of him. + +"That's splendid," Bunny said, "it's a real score if he doesn't send +for us in the morning. If he does he will be sick to death with me, +I've been progged three times already this term. Pull the curtains and +let's light up again." + +"It's about time we went," Jack said; "has the crowd gone?" + +I looked out of the window and told him there were only a few people +left in the street, but just as we were going there was a knock at the +door and a man came into the room. + +"Halloa, Marsden," Bunny said; "I am afraid we have been making rather +a row in here, perhaps you put a towel round your head and went on +reading. Didn't you tell me you tied cloths over your ears when you +wanted to be quiet?" + +"It's not much of a joke having rooms in the same house with you," +Marsden answered, and looked very solemn. + +"Don't say that," Bunny answered. "Have a drink, I'm generally as +quiet as a lamb." + +Marsden sat on the table and refused to drink. + +"It's no joke being in the same house with you," he said again, and +began to laugh. + +"I'm not going to set fire to the place or blow it up," Bunny replied. + +"But the house becomes infested with proctors." + +"Did you see the 'proggins?'" + +"He came into my room and progged both Carslake and me. He said we +were disturbing the peace of the town." + +"He didn't, did he?" Bunny exclaimed, and then went off into such fits +of laughter that for some time he could do nothing but cough and choke. + +"He couldn't have chosen a funnier man. A sneeze is about the biggest +row you have ever made in your life. Didn't you tell him you had +nothing to do with the rag?" he asked at last. + +"I left you to do that; he wouldn't listen to me, he seemed to be in a +hurry to get it over," Marsden said. + +"Was he Carter of Queen's, or the other man?" + +"Carter." + +"I'll be at Queen's at nine o'clock to-morrow, so you and Carslake +needn't bother to go; Carter knows me. I am awfully sorry he has been +shoving himself into your rooms; the worst of this place is, there is +no privacy, Carter just goes where he pleases," and Bunny rang the bell +and told his servant that he wanted a hansom in the morning at ten +minutes to nine. There were only a few of us left in his rooms, but +every one said they would be at Queen's to meet him, though he told us +not to make fools of ourselves. "I asked Carter the last time I went +to him to let me off a shilling because he had kept my cab waiting, and +he fined me double for impertinence. I should think this would cost +about two pounds, and I've got about thirty sixpences up-stairs, he +shall have all those," he continued. "I'll have some fun for my money, +so you fellows had better let me see it through by myself, I made the +speech and blew the horn," but as we had all been in the affair we +couldn't back out of it because we had been caught. + +I walked as far as St. Cuthbert's with a New College man, who thought +we should have to pay more than two pounds. "Carter will be so +precious sick at being hooted in the street, we shan't get off under a +fiver each," he said, and when I got back to college I went up to +Jack's rooms to wait and see what he thought we should have to pay. + +I was nearly asleep when Jack came in. + +"Phillips says we shall have to pay a fiver each, what do you think?" I +said, without turning round, and instead of answering me Jack went +straight into his bedder and seemed to be washing himself vigorously. + +"What are you doing?" I shouted, but Jack went on washing, so I shut up +asking questions. + +In a few minutes he came back into the room, and stood in front of me +with a candle held up in front of his face. His lips were swollen, and +there was a great cut, which kept on bleeding, over his right eyebrow. + +"I look nice, don't I?" he said. "I've had a fight with a man who told +me that his name was Briggs." + +By degrees I got the whole tale out of him, but it is no fun trying to +talk when a great coal-heaving man has hit you in the mouth with his +fist. Jack had come home by himself, and as he was turning out of the +High by B.N.C. Tom Briggs, who had followed him all the way, charged +into him. Then there was a little conversation, and Briggs called Jack +something especially horrid, and gave him a shove at the same time, so +Jack hit him on the nose. After this there was a rough-and-tumble, +until that most inquisitive man Carter and his bull-dogs came up and +caught Jack. What happened to Briggs he did not know. + +"You mustn't tell Carter that you were at Bunny's," I said, after I had +blamed myself, until Jack was tired, for having persuaded him to start +to that wretched meeting. + +"That's a trifle compared with this," he answered, and he was right. + +There was a huge row, and it ended in Jack being sent down for the rest +of the term. A man, who had been lurking about somewhere, said that he +saw Jack hit Briggs first, which was true as far as it went, but hard +luck on Jack all the same. + +Bunny wanted to have a procession to the station when Jack went away, +but he absolutely refused to have any fuss whatever, and altogether +took his luck like a sportsman. + +If I had only waited for him, or never bothered him to go out at all, +this would never have happened, and tired as I have often been of +myself, I do not think I have ever felt more utterly wretched than I +was during the last few days of that term when I, who ought really to +have been in Jack's place, was still in Oxford, and Jack was with his +very angry people. + +I went to the Warden and told him that Jack would never have gone out +of college that night if it hadn't been for me, but all he said was +that the Proctor had taken a serious view of the case, and he would not +have anybody in the college brawling in the streets. I also wrote to +Jack's people and told them that the whole thing was my fault, but his +father's answer was very short and disagreeable; he had entirely lost +his temper. + +Dennison and his friends made the most of this misfortune, and I +suppose it was natural that they should think it a comical finish to +Jack's attempts at working. For the rest of the term I did not care +what happened to anybody or anything. I was thoroughly sick with my +luck, and when you are born with a faculty for disobeying rules and +offending authorities and have trampled upon your inclinations for a +long year without any result except disaster, it is enough to make you +think that fighting Nature is a perfectly absurd thing to do. It was +very fortunate that the term was nearly over, for I had a mad idea that +the best way to make up to Jack for getting him sent down was to get +sent down myself; but The Bradder, who knew how foolish I could be, +nipped my demonstrations in the bud, and gave me some of the +straightest advice I have ever listened to. He was very rude indeed. +One of the few good things about this term was that Fred batted +splendidly, he was not successful afterwards against Cambridge, but we +had every reason for thinking that they were an exceptionally strong +eleven. I bowled faster than ever, and a little straighter than the +year before; I was said to be the fastest bowler at Oxford, and I heard +two men saying in Vincent's that their idea of bliss was my bowling on +a good wicket. But when I lowered a newspaper and showed myself they +pretended that it was a joke. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER + +Of all penalties, sending a man down from the 'Varsity for a short time +seems to me the most unfair. For some people treat the culprit as if +he was almost a criminal, while others are glad to see him and aren't +in the least annoyed. Had I been sent down from Oxford I am sure my +father would have stormed and told me that I was going to that +universal rubbish-heap, called "The dogs," while my mother would have +been very hurt and very kind; but I know one man who went home +unexpectedly and was told by his father that if he had not been sent +down he would have missed the best "shoot" of the year. In some cases +the penalty is nothing, and in other cases it is far too heavy. + +From the little I knew of Jack's people I did not expect that they +would be as unpleasant as they were, for as far as I could see he had +not done anything which was much of a disgrace to anybody. +Unfortunately, however, he went home at an unlucky moment, for his +father was mixed up with the Stock Exchange, and there was a slump or +something equally disagreeable in the City. Jack wrote to me: "I have +often seen my father in a bad temper, but I have never seen him keep it +up for so long before. There is a large bear syndicate formed in the +City, and my father is a bull, and fumes like one. I am very useful if +he would only see it, because he can work his rage off on me, and that +is a great relief to everybody else. But it is no use thinking of what +is to happen next; he has told me that I am going to start to Canada in +a month, and Australia in a fortnight, but wherever I go I am to have +only L10 besides my passage-money--he does the thing thoroughly. The +last scheme, announced at breakfast this morning, is that I am going to +Greece, to a quarry which has something to do with either marble or +cement; I didn't listen much, because I shall probably be booked for +Siberia before night. Anywhere but back to Oxford is really his idea, +and the more often he changes the place the better. Meanwhile I flaunt +history books before him. I left _Taswell Langmead_ on the lawn, +because it is the fattest book I have got, and it looks so like one of +the Stock Exchange books that I knew he would look at it. He did and +growled, but he put it back on the chair, which rather surprised me, +for I expected him to launch forth on the uselessness of me reading +such things. If I sit tight for a bit and don't get ready to go +anywhere, perhaps I shall get back to Oxford after all." + +I knew nothing about the Stock Exchange, but I sympathized very much +with any one who had to live in the same house with a fuming bull. +Even Fred agreed with me that Jack was being treated unfairly, and he +never spoke about him at all if he could help it. When Jack and he had +met during the last year at Oxford, as they had often, they were so +astonishingly polite to each other that had I not known the reason I +should have been very amused, but as it was, I thought they were making +a great fuss about something quite unimportant. + +To pretend not to notice a thing which is as clear as daylight is not a +part which I can play with any comfort, so Jack and Fred fidgeted me +terribly, but they had got some idea firmly fixed in their heads, with +which I was wise enough not to meddle. They were both such friends of +mine that I hoped they would see as quickly as possible that there was +something very humorous in the way they treated each other. + +Owen took a first in his final schools, and as soon as the list was out +he wrote to me and said that he hoped to come up for a fifth year to +read for a first in History. This, I thought, was tempting Providence, +for he had already got two firsts, and he seemed to me to be collecting +them as I had once collected birds' eggs. He decided, however, to give +up his plan, and accepted a mastership at a school in Scotland. I must +say that I was relieved at this, for I intended to take two more years +before my examinations, and if he had got a first in one year I am sure +that I should have heard a very great deal about him, when my father +felt unwell or wished to make me feel uncomfortable. + +I spent most of my second summer vac in France, partly because my +mother was not well, and also because an old scheme for improving my +French had been revived. When Fred and I had gone to Oxford there had +been some idea of us trying for the Indian Civil Service, but for +various reasons this was abandoned, and although Fred had determined +that he would go back to Cliborough as a master if he could manage it, +I had drifted through two years without having made up my mind what was +to happen to me when I got my degree. The Bishop wanted me to be a +clergyman, my mother thought that if Fred was going to be a +school-master there was no reason why I should not be one, and although +my father did not say anything he was not the man to see me finish my +time at Oxford and then sit down to wait for some employment to turn +up. It was really no use for me to decide what I should do, for unless +I showed an especial craving for some profession I knew that he would +settle everything, and as I had two years before me I thought that +there was no particular hurry, which is, I suppose, the dangerous state +of mind of many undergraduates. + +I did not understand that my father's wish for me to talk French was +part of any definite scheme, and for the life of me I cannot make out +why he settled upon my profession and told me nothing about it, but I +suppose that unless I ever become a parent there are some things which +will puzzle me all my life. + +"One of the reasons the English are hated on the Continent is because +they can only speak their own language, and when they are not +understood they shout," he said to me, and I am afraid I did not care +much what the English were thought of on the Continent; at any rate I +did not see what I could do to make them more popular. "I intend that +you shall at least be able to speak French properly," he went on; "you +are not going to stay with us at the hotel, but live with a French +family about three miles out of the town." + +I detested the idea and had to submit to it, but I acknowledge that I +enjoyed my visit to France, though I was told that I spent too much +time at the hotel. The fact was that my family lived three miles up +hill from the town, and on a bicycle I could reach the sea or my people +in a few minutes, but after I had bathed I had to think a lot before I +started back. I was arrested twice, once for riding furiously and also +for not having my name on my bicycle, accidents which my father assured +me would never have happened had I been able to talk French fluently, +though it was absolutely impossible that I could under any +circumstances or in any language have talked as fluently as the +policeman who stopped me. My French family were very nice to me, and +we got on splendidly together after they discovered that I did not mind +them laughing at my pronunciation. After two months, during which I +had attacked the language vigorously, Nina came from Paris to join us. +I expected that she would find my accent amusing, but I made a mistake. +What my mother had once mentioned to me as her awkward age had been +lived through, and after a few days I began to wonder why I had ever +found it easy to be irritated with her. If things go well I generally +have an attack of thinking them perfect, but all the same Nina and I +became better friends than we had been since I had left school, and we +were together so often that nothing but a promise to talk French to her +prevented my people from forbidding me to come near the hotel. + +On Saturday afternoons, however, I stipulated that I should do and talk +what I pleased, but unless I went to the Casino there was not much to +do on my first holiday after Nina had arrived; so I persuaded her to +come to a concert, have tea on the terrace, and then watch the "petits +chevaux." She was ready to do anything, but my mother detested any +kind of gambling, and begged me not to take her into the room in which +the tables were. I could have imagined the time when to be told that +something was not good for her was the surest way to make Nina want it, +but now she said at once that she would much rather sit on the terrace +than stay in a room with a crowd of people, and after tea I left her +for a few minutes while I went for a walk through the rooms. There was +a crowd round each table, and not being able to see anything I was +going back to Nina at once when I felt some one touch me on the arm. I +turned round quickly for I suspected that my pocket was being picked, +though that would not have caused me any serious inconvenience, and +before I could remember what I ought not to say I had exclaimed "Good +Heavens," but if people will turn up in utterly unlikely places they +ought not to be too critical of the way in which they are greeted. I +should as soon have expected to see Mr. Edwardes at a Covent Garden +Ball as the Warden in a French Casino, and I had an intense and +immediate desire to ask him what he was doing there. I suppressed it, +however, and only shook him so violently by the hand that he winced +perceptibly. + +"I have been guilty of watching your movements for the last four +minutes," he said, as we walked towards the door leading to the +terrace. "I observed you as you entered this chamber of horrors, and I +was afraid that you were about to give an exhibition of your +generosity." + +"Did you think I was going to play?" I asked. + +"Yes, if that is the right expression for an act of madness. There +are, if I have observed exactly, eight chances against you, and the +fool, for believe me he is a fool, who is fortunate enough to win is +paid seven times his stake. The man who tries to make money in that +way must be generous and a fool." + +"The bank must win to pay for the croupiers and keep the place going," +I said. + +"In my opinion there is no acute necessity for the place to be kept +going, as you express it. I entertain a hope that if you have ever +taken part in that orgie, at which every one with the exception of the +croupiers looks greedy and hungry, that you will in the future abstain +from it. Gambling is the meanest of all vices," he said slowly, and he +tapped my arm seven times. + +He did not seem to be going anywhere in particular, and as I cannot +bear anybody tapping at me, I thought Nina might help to calm him. So +I walked down the terrace and introduced her to him suddenly, for he +had a reputation for bolting from strange ladies, and I thought it best +to leave nothing to chance. But as soon as he saw Nina the cloud +disappeared from his face, and his aggressively moral mood changed. In +fact I distinctly heard him say "delightful," though I am sure that he +did not intend his remark to be audible. He inspected Nina as if she +was for sale or on show, but he so clearly approved of her that she did +not seem to mind him. + +"Won't you sit down?" she said. + +"Only on one condition," he answered. + +"What is it?" + +"That you tell me the name of your dressmaker," but before Nina could +speak he had settled himself beside her, and continued: "You are not +only successful in being cool but also in looking cool; now I have ten +nieces, delightful girls, but they cannot take exercise without +rivalling the colour of a peony. They look what I can only describe to +you as full-blown." + +"But I have not been taking exercise," Nina said. + +"That, I suppose, is true," he replied, and forgot promptly what he had +been talking about. + +After a minute's silence his head began to sink forward, and I was +afraid he was beginning to think hard or go to sleep, so I told Nina +that it was time for us to go back to the hotel; for much as I liked +the Warden I had no wish to watch over him while he slept on the +Terrace of the Casino, and I thought that he might expect to find me +there when he woke up. Nina held out her hand to wish him good-bye, +but he said that he was coming with us, and while we were walking to +the hotel I left him to her, for I was debating whether I had better +ask him to meet my father and mother or not. I knew that he had +offended a great many people who had come to see him in Oxford about +their sons, and he was reported to have said that the greatest +difficulty in dealing with undergraduates was the parent difficulty. +"If I was dictator of Oxford it should be a city of refuge for young +men, and no father or mother should be allowed to enter it during +twenty-four weeks of the year," was one of the things he was supposed +to have said, and if my father happened to get him upon that subject I +foresaw trouble. + +But the question settled itself, for my mother was sitting on the +verandah in front of the hotel and came down the garden to meet us. I +had heard the Warden chuckle three times as we had walked up the road, +and though I could not imagine how Nina was amusing him, I thanked +goodness that he seemed to be thinking about ordinary things. + +"I have the pleasure of knowing your brother," he said as soon as he +was introduced; "he and I disagree upon every subject I have ever had +the privilege of discussing with him." + +"I do not think my brother would ever discuss a subject with any one +whom he expected to agree with. It would be hardly worth while," my +mother answered, and the Warden looked at her quickly. + +"Surely the benefit arising from a discussion does not depend wholly, +or I may say chiefly, from disagreement upon the subject discussed. A +Cabinet Council, for instance, may conceivably arrive at a satisfactory +and at the same time an unanimous conclusion." + +"My brother would not call that a discussion," my mother answered +shortly, and the Warden said "Ah," which meant, I believe, that however +the Bishop defined the word discussion, it was useless to discuss +anything with ladies. + +"You will have some tea?" my mother said, as soon as we had reached the +verandah. + +"You will excuse me, my absence from the hotel at which I have taken a +room for to-night, has already been too prolonged. You drink tea in +France, madam?" + +"We brought our tea with us." + +"Admirable foresight, but it remains for you to see the water boiling," +and then as if he knew that he had hurt my mother's feelings and wished +to make some recompense, he continued, "The Bishop, madam, is a man for +whom I have a most sympathetic regard, neither politics nor pageants +divert him from the work he has pledged himself to do; I know of no man +more fitted to be a Bishop." + +My mother bowed slightly, and said nothing, and really it was not easy +to guess from the Warden's tone whether he considered any man fit to be +a Bishop. + +"We think differently on many subjects, and on one, I may say, I think +with perfect truth, we have differed so widely that a little less +self-restraint on the one side or on the other would have brought us to +the verge of a very vulgar quarrel. The Bishop preaches what is called +Humanity, he practises Humanity, he would have a manufactory--which he +would manage on a profit-sharing system--for Humanity pills, and make +every young man in Oxford swallow two of them every morning. But there +is another meaning to the word Humanity which has been lost sight of in +this age of upheaval, it is 'classical learning.' Oxford has a duty to +perform; it has something to teach in addition to the development of +kindly feelings which must be taught at the mother's knee, and grow +naturally if they are ever to be effective. We are attacked at Oxford +by many kinds of outside influence, and you know enough of young men, +madam, to realize that there is no influence which appeals to them so +strongly as that which is outside, what I must call, constituted +authority. The Bishop, in short, if I judge him with accuracy, thinks +that Oxford is the finest playground for the East-end of London which +can be imagined by the wit of man. On this point I disagree with him +entirely, not from any dislike to the people of the East-end, but from +a profound conviction that young men in Oxford, if they are to do their +work with success, have already more than enough to occupy their minds." + +He leaned forward in his chair and looked hard at me; he did not +apparently expect any answer to his oration, but he had touched on a +subject which was near my mother's heart, and I felt so uneasy that I +moved from my seat and leaned against one of the posts of the verandah. + +"Don't you exaggerate what my brother wants?" my mother asked. "He +knows too well the value of time to wish to waste that of anybody, and +he loves Oxford." + +"Too well," the Warden jerked out, as if he was an automatic +arrangement and some one had touched a spring. + +"I don't think any one could love Oxford too well, and I should be +sorry if Godfrey did not learn something from his life there which +could help him to sympathize with other people." + +I knew that I was bound to be pulled in sooner or later, and I thought +of disappearing behind my post and of leaving the Warden to say what he +liked. + +"The sympathies of your son are already as wide as those of a Charity +Organization Society, and, I venture to say, as misdirected," the +Warden returned, and seemed to have forgotten that I was standing in +front of him, but if he was going to say things about me I decided to +stay and hear them. "I find him the most pleasant companion, he has +the gift of silence--Meredith wrote--'Who cannot talk!--but who +can?'--he is also amusing, always unconsciously. I have great hopes +that he may become a man who will not waste his youth in vain struggles +with a ball. Had I the power I would banish all balls from England for +one short year, the experiment would be entertaining." + +"It would result in a national dyspepsia," my mother said, laughing. + +"Godfrey would play catch with an orange," Nina remarked. + +The Warden looked up and saw me. "An orange bursts," he said. "I must +return to my hotel. Would you find me a conveyance, one with a +coachman as unlike a furious driver as possible?" he asked, and as Nina +came with me he was left alone with my mother. I don't know what he +said during those few minutes, but when we got back I found my mother +smiling placidly, though when I had gone away I was certain that she +disapproved of the Warden most thoroughly. + +"The Warden wishes you to dine with him to-night," she said to me, and +without waiting for me to reply she went on to say how sorry my father +would be to miss him. The Warden began to express regrets at my +father's absence, but forgot what he was talking about in the middle of +his sentence, and finished up by telling the driver to go very slowly. +As he stepped into the vehicle I had found for him, he expressed a +fervent hope that it was more robust than it appeared to be. + +"What a funny old man!" Nina exclaimed as soon as he had gone, "and +what nonsense he talks. He is a dear, but he does look odd!" + +"He looks like a gentleman, and is one," my mother replied. + +"You didn't like him at first," I said to her. + +"I thought he spoke slightingly of your uncle and that he meant all he +said, which of course was stupid of me. He was delightful after you +had gone, and talked most kindly and sensibly about you, I wish your +father could have heard him." + +But my father had gone to Rouen and was not coming back until ten +o'clock, and I am not sure that he would have liked the Warden, so +perhaps it was as well that they did not meet. + +My dinner was wearisome, for Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, was +with him, and she talked while I listened. I am sorry to say she was +in a very bad temper, and it seemed that the naughty Warden had kept +her waiting for two hours during the afternoon. She was by no means in +love with France, and though I tried to soothe her I only succeeded in +making her sarcastic; I thought the Warden ought to have protected me, +but he had known his sister longer than I had, and probably had +forgotten that she could make any one suffer. He took no part in the +conversation, and most obviously did not listen to it. My mother was +disappointed when I told her about the dinner, but I think that she had +expected the Warden to give me advice as well as a meal. She had +formed the highest opinion of him, and said that he was so wise that he +was the only man she knew who could afford to say foolish things. But +when my father heard that the foolish things were said about the Bishop +he did not believe in the folly of them, for he could not forget that +my uncle had once played stump cricket for three hours at a stretch. + +When the time came for us to go back to England I could talk French +without putting in one or two English words to fill up every sentence, +but I did not think that Dover Station was the place in which to be +told that I must not be satisfied until I could think in French--though +what the station at Dover is the proper place for, I leave to people +who are cleverer than I am. I was so glad to get home again that the +idea of thinking in French was quite comical. My father and I were +going to shoot together, and when he is shooting he forgets all the +little grievances with which he has riddled his life and he is--though +it makes me blush to confess it--the best companion in the world. If +he could only shoot all the year round I believe that Ritualists and +Radicals would lose their powers of annoying him, and he might even end +by admitting that our long-suffering cook makes curry which is fit to +eat, and no more generous admission than that could be expected from an +Anglo-Indian. + +For nearly three weeks we lived in a state of peace and contentment +which none of us thought dull, but during the first week of October I +had a letter from The Bradder in which he said that he was on a walking +tour and should be passing near our house. There was only one answer +for me to give, but I gave it reluctantly, for though I liked him I +thought that if he and my father once started upon politics our calm +season would be interrupted abruptly. + +"Does he shoot?" my father asked, and I said that as he was walking for +amusement he would probably only stay a few hours. "We can't treat him +like that; tell him to stay a week and send for his gun. For the +matter of that he can have one of mine. I don't expect he will be able +to hit a haystack," was his reply. + +So I wrote again, and to my surprise The Bradder accepted the +invitation and appeared a few days afterwards with no marks of the +tourist upon him; for there is no mistaking people who are on walking +tours, their anxiety to get on stamps itself upon their faces, and +their luggage is generally on their backs or in their pockets. He told +us that his companion had broken down three days before, and that he +had been back to Oxford to get his gun. I never remember having seen +anybody who looked quite so fit as he did, and my father, who had a +kind of general impression that every tutor in Oxford was anaemic, +seemed to be thoroughly pleased with him. Thus I was lulled into a +false state of security, for I had intended to warn The Bradder not to +speak of politics while he was with us, but as every one took a fancy +to him at sight I thought that I need not trouble to say anything. + +There was a lot of speculation about The Bradder's shooting, he shot +whenever he got the ghost of a chance, but he added more to the noise +than to the number of the bag. He tried to persuade my father before +he started that he was the worst shot in the world, but he was not +believed until he had proved that he had spoken the truth. He was, +however, much happier in a bad than in a good place, and he seemed to +be perfectly pleased as long as he could see an occasional bird to +shoot at. My father said that he was a good sportsman, though had he +not liked him he would have called him a rank bad shot. + +Two days passed by successfully, and then The Bradder discovered that +there was an old abbey near us, and arranged with Nina to go over and +see it. Why in the world any one should want to see an abbey when he +could shoot at pheasants, was more than my father could understand. + +"The abbey will be here the next time you come, let it wait," he said +at breakfast. + +"I should like to see it," The Bradder replied; "besides, I never kill +anything." + +"You needn't bother about that." + +"I have promised Miss Marten to go, she said she would drive me over," +he replied, and any one could see that he didn't mean to shoot. + +"As you like," my father said, and told me to be ready in ten minutes, +though we were not going to start for an hour. + +On the top of this we had a very disappointing day, and finished up by +getting wet through, so at dinner there were many more danger signals +flying than were usual in the shooting season. The Bradder, however, +did not notice them, or if he did he thought them ridiculous, and he +amused my mother and Nina very much, which under the circumstances was +a grievous offence. I found myself in the position of trying to catch +my tutor's eye, so that I could warn him to be careful with my father, +and although I realized the comedy of the position I did not appreciate +it. To make matters worse The Bradder would not drink any port, and as +it was a wine of which my father was proud, he had to say that he never +drank any wine at all before his refusal was accepted. Teetotalism in +the abstract was a thing which I was encouraged to believe in, but +teetotalers, who did not know when to make an exception to general +rules, were not approved of at our table when '63 port was before them. +Everything seemed to be going most hopelessly wrong, and I was so +anxious to get into the drawing-room that I made several exceedingly +fatuous remarks. + +"You talk like a Radical," my father said in answer to one of them; +"you want this changed and that changed, you had better go up to Hyde +Park and take a tub with you, if you want to talk nonsense." + +"I probably shouldn't get two people to listen to me," I replied. + +"Strahan told me yesterday," he went on, "that they are teaching a lot +of this Radical tomfoolery in Oxford now; he says his son has come home +stuffed with it, thinks agricultural labourers are underpaid and all +the rest. Is it true, Bradfield?" + +"I should not say that the feeling at Oxford is as out-and-out Tory as +it was, but the young Radical is often a very ridiculous man," The +Bradder replied, and took a pear off the dish in front of him and began +to peel it. + +"Always," my father said. + +"Not always; he may conceivably be very sane indeed." + +"Never." + +The Bradder was quite willing to let the subject drop, but his pear was +a mistake and prevented me from suggesting that we should go. + +"You sympathize with this Radical feeling?" my father asked him. + +"To some extent I share it." + +"I can't believe it, I really can't--why, the Radicals want to ruin the +army, spend no money on the navy, make magistrates of Tom, Dick, and +Harry, and top everything by letting Ireland do what it likes. They +are a dangerous crew." + +"I am not a Home-Ruler, though every one must admit that our way of +managing Ireland up to the present has not been fortunate." + +"But you wouldn't try experiments with a volcano?" + +"I would try any experiment with Ireland which it wants, and which I +did not think dangerous," The Bradder said, and he seemed to be wholly +occupied in trying to say as little as possible without appearing to be +ashamed or afraid of his opinions. + +"So you are a Radical, but not a Home-Ruler. Well, from the look of +you, I should never have thought it. You can go if you like, Godfrey; +I should be glad to talk to Mr. Bradfield for a few minutes; he is the +first Radical I have ever liked," and he smiled at The Bradder, +anticipating triumph. + +I did not go, and I am glad that I stayed, for both of them had to +fight hard to keep their tempers, and their struggles fascinated me. +From the beginning The Bradder made up his mind to treat the duel +lightly, but my father pressed him hard, and occasionally provoked a +retort which flashed. For more than an hour they talked, and indignant +servants, showing heads of expostulation, had to go away unnoticed. +But The Bradder met explosions with what my father called afterwards +rank obstinacy, and the man who explodes is naturally angry if he +cannot get some one to explode back at him. + +"The Warden, from what I have heard of him, would not approve of your +opinions," my father said at last. + +"He does not meddle with our politics," The Bradder answered. + +"He's a wise man," my father returned, and The Bradder laughed. + +"The Warden talks about politicians as if they were an army of +tuft-hunters, hunting for tufts which they will never find. He refuses +to speak seriously about politics." + +"The habit of being amused at our failures or cynical about them is +becoming too common." + +I could not help smiling at the quickness with which the Warden had +been toppled off his seat of wisdom, and my father pushed his chair +back impatiently. + +"The Warden is, I believe, a strong Tory, and reserves his contempt for +what he calls 'modern politicians.'" + +"I said he was a wise man," my father replied, and the Warden was +reinstated. + +"He is certainly," The Bradder answered, as we went into the +drawing-room. + +During the next day I heard from Nina that The Bradder had been +denounced as a very dangerous man, all the more dangerous because he +was so attractive. + +"Father wants him to go," she said. + +"He will have to go soon, because term begins in a few days," I +answered. + +"But why shouldn't a man be a Liberal if he wants to be? We are about +a hundred years behind the times down here." + +"And had better stay there if we want peace," I added. + +"Are you a Liberal?" + +"Goodness knows." + +"I like a man who knows what he is." + +"You mean you like The Bradder; why not say so?" + +"Because I meant nothing of the kind. We are going to walk over to +Chipping Norbury, if you will come with us." + +"I can't. I have promised to call on Mrs. Faulkner, who won't see me." + +"Mrs. Faulkner has been rude to mother, and has behaved very +foolishly," Nina said, in a way which she considered impressive and I +thought humorous. + +So The Bradder and Nina went to Chipping Norbury without me, and he +stayed for three more days, by which time even my father did not want +him to go, though he talked to my mother about him as one of those +misguided young men who want England to stand on its head just to see +what it would look like. + +I found out afterwards that The Bradder described my father to some one +as a mixture of cayenne pepper and kindness, and, since there was no +harm in it, I passed it on. + +"I won't have people making up these things about me," he said, but he +chuckled, and I am sure he liked the cayenne pepper part of the mixture. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +THE HEDONISTS + +Fred Foster's people came back from India during the summer, and he +spent all the vac with them, though I tried to make him come to us for +the shooting. He had, however, got an idea that Nina did not want him, +and nothing I could do was successful in removing it. I told him that +Nina had been greatly improved by Paris; I did not like the expression, +but I did not see why he should think it ridiculous. Still, if he +meant to be obstinate it was no use wasting time in writing letters at +which he gibed, so I left him alone. + +Jack Ward managed to appease his father, and having done it he set out +on a campaign which for thoroughness beat anything I have ever +discovered. He went off at the end of July to stay with a tutor who +coached him in history and rowing, and he stayed with him until the +Oxford term began. The tutor was a rowing blue who did not, from +Jack's account of him, mind how little work his pupils did as long as +they were ready to go on the river, but Jack assured me that he had +read for four or five hours every day. To start with a history coach +two years before his schools struck me as being magnificent, but Jack +would not hear a word against his way of spending the vac. + +"He may not know much history," he said to me when we got back to +Oxford, "but he's a rare good sort, and he says I'm a natural oar. +Besides, he's a sportsman." + +"What's that?" I asked, for I used the word "sportsman" to mean so many +things. + +"He doesn't bother people; you can play cards if you like, and he has a +billiard table. He is a nailer at cork pool." + +"Is he?" I said, and asked no more about him, for I have a horror of +nailers at any sort of pool, having once been hopelessly fleeced by +some of them. + +"I won a pot," Jack went on gaily, "in the scratch fours at Wallhead +regatta--I rowed in two regattas. Not so bad; and now I've got to go +down to the river every day and be coached by men who don't know the +difference between an oar and a barge pole. Well, it's all part of the +game." + +"What's the game?" I asked. + +"Look here, Godfrey, something's happened to you. You've gone stupid; +it's _your_ game. To buck St. Cuthbert's up, get rid of these +confounded slackers, squash them flat, and we are going to do it, you +see if we don't. Dennison was drunk last night or pretended to be, and +he and his gang invaded a lot of freshers and then asked them all to +breakfast. That crowd are no more use to a college than a headache. +Fancy coming to Oxford to be ragged by Dennison!" + +"It does seem rather futile." + +"Futile!" Jack exclaimed scornfully, and then proceeded to say what he +called it; "but if you have given up caring what happens I shall chuck +up the whole thing," he concluded. + +"I have not given up caring, but I have tried once and got laughed at +for my trouble. I don't believe you can squash men like Dennison when +they once get into a college; they are like black beetles, and you +can't get rid of them unless you kill them." + +"We can try," Jack said. + +"I tried, and most men thought me a fool. The only thing to do is to +leave them alone; but the worst of it is that we can't help meeting +Dennison at dinners and things. He smiled on me the other day as if I +was his best friend." + +"He didn't smile at me." + +"I think he hates you; I can't get properly hated, when I try to show +Dennison I loathe him he smiles. There's something wrong with me +somewhere." + +"You are too rottenly good-natured." + +"I never thought of that," I said. + +"That's it," Jack declared; "I saw Lambert hitting you on the back in +the quad this morning." + +"I told him that if he did it again I should throw Stubbs' Charters at +his head," I replied in self-defence. + +"But, don't you see, Lambert would never hit me on the back. He is one +of the most gorgeous slopers we have got, and twangs his banjo for +Dennison to sing what they call erotic ballads. You've not got enough +dignity." + +"Steady on," I said, for with too much of one thing and not enough of +another I was beginning to think that it was about time for him to +discover something of which I had the proper amount. + +"Don't get angry," he returned, "I only meant to explain why your shot +to buck the college up failed. You're too popular, that's it." + +I spoke plainly to him. + +"It's no use talking like that," he went on; "say you'll help me, and +we'll have a go at squashing this ragging lot. It wouldn't matter so +much if they could do anything decently, but they are the very men who +ought to go and bury themselves because they won't try to do anything. +Let us do something first and then have a good wholesome rag, but for +heaven's sake let us shut up until we have done it." + +Jack had only just left my rooms when, as if to prove what he had said, +Lambert strolled in and asked me if I would let him have lunch with me. +My table-cloth was laid and I couldn't tell him that I was lunching +out, so I told him that Murray was coming. He replied that he liked +Murray, and since that had failed I said that I was going to play +footer and had very little time, but he answered that he would not be +able to stay for more than half-an-hour. Meals with Lambert were apt +to get less simple as they went on, for he had a habit of saying that +he wanted nothing and then of demanding port with his cheese and +liqueurs to save him from indigestion, but I could not get rid of him, +so apart from making up my mind that his luncheon should be as short as +possible, I left him alone. + +He read the paper for a few minutes and then asked me if I did not like +his waistcoat. It looked to me like some new kind of puzzle, so I +asked him if he had the answer in his pocket, but he was looking at it +thoughtfully and did not answer. + +"Nice shade, isn't it?" he said presently. + +I thought that there was more glare than shade about it and told him so. + +"It's unique," he declared, and at last I was able to agree with him. + +"Have you called on that man Thornton?" he asked, and stood up so that +he could see his waistcoat and himself in the glass. + +"I never call on anybody. I have had a lot of freshers to meals, but I +don't know Thornton; he is supposed to be cracked, isn't he?" + +"Of course he is. We've got a splendid rag on. I thought of it, and +Dennison is going to work it out. Do you think this coat fits properly +in the back? I met Collier this morning and he swore it didn't." + +"What's the rag?" I asked. + +Clarkson came in with a message from Murray to say that he could not +come to luncheon. + +"That's a good job," Lambert remarked. + +"I thought you liked Murray," I answered. + +"He would not have cared about our rag. I don't suppose Collier knows +when a coat fits, he's so fat that a petticoat would suit him better +than a pair of trousers." + +"Here's lunch," I said, and as soon as I had got him away from the spot +where he could examine his clothes, I asked again what was going to +happen. + +"Thornton is absolutely green, Dennison will be able to do exactly what +he likes with him." + +"Poor brute." + +"I can never make out why you pretend to hate Dennison, he wouldn't +mind being friends with you; besides, it makes things very disagreeable +for me." + +"I don't pretend anything," I said. + +"At any rate it's very stupid of you; you are both Mohocks, and ought +to be friends." + +I thought he had come on a peace mission, so, to prevent waste of time, +I said what I thought of Dennison. + +"You make a mistake about him altogether," he said. "Got any port?" + +"You'll get as fat as Collier if you aren't careful, and it wouldn't +suit you a bit," I replied, and stayed in my chair. + +"Port doesn't make people fat," but he spoke doubtfully. + +"You know best, but I should advise you to be careful. What's the rag?" + +He shot his cuffs down and stroked his upper lip, as he always did when +he was going to say anything which he thought interesting. + +"Dennison is getting it up, which means that it will be jolly well +done. He has found out that Thornton knows nothing, so he is teaching +him a lot. To begin with, he has invented a society called 'The +Hedonists,' which is supposed to get pleasure out of anything +extraordinary, and he has filled up Thornton with the idea that he is +the very man to be President if we can get him elected." + +"Does he believe all that?" + +"He believes it all right; Dennison is splendid at that sort of thing. +But we must make some opposition, or Thornton might think it was too +easy a job, so we are getting Webb to stand against Thornton, and +Dennison and I want you to propose him. We thought it would be a +chance to show that you didn't mean all that rot you talked about us +last year." + +"I meant every word of it," I replied, but Lambert shook his head. + +"Really you didn't," he said. "Dennison declares that you hate smugs +and prigs and the sort of men who wear red ties and baggy trousers. +Besides, you have fair rows with the dons yourself. You are made to +enjoy yourself; that's all about it, and it is time some benefactor +told you so." + +"I shan't have anything to do with this rag; it seems to be playing a +pretty low-down game on a fresher, and if I can stop it I shall. Tell +Dennison that from me," I replied. + +Lambert got up and put his fingers into the pockets of his waistcoat. +"Don't be a fool, Marten," he said sadly, "if you had thought of this +yourself you would have been delighted with the idea; it's so funny." + +"Ask Jack Ward to help you." + +"Ward! Between ourselves Dennison and I think that Ward is rather a +bounder." + +"I'll tell him; he will be glad to hear it." + +"You make me ill; can't you see that this is too good to miss?" + +"You'd better leave this wretched lunatic alone; but if you stand there +talking until you spoil the pockets of your waistcoat I shan't help +you." + +He took his fingers from his pockets and rearranged his tie. "You +disappoint me greatly," he said, and strode out of the room. + +Our footer match that afternoon was against Oriel, who play soccer +better than rugger, so we beat them without much trouble. Fred didn't +play for them, because the captain of the 'Varsity team objected to his +team playing in college matches, but he watched the game and came back +to tea with me afterwards. I wanted to give him a cheque for the fifty +pounds I still owed him, for I had just got my year's allowance, and I +thought I ought to pay him. But he would not listen to what I said, +and only tore up my cheque when I gave it to him. "It's no use," he +said, "you will only be short at the end of the year." + +That, I knew, was the truth, for economy was a thing which evaded me, +however zealously I pursued it. + +"But I hate owing you money," I said, "and by the end of the year +something may have happened." + +He only laughed, and told me that if I couldn't borrow money, which he +did not want, from him, I must be a fool, and before I could say any +more Jack Ward appeared. Fred and he did not seem to be very pleased +to see each other again, and since they always got on my nerves I went +into my bedder to finish dressing. + +"Been staying with Godfrey this vac?" I heard Jack ask. + +"No; have you?" Fred answered. + +"Rather not," Jack said; "I've had no time to stay with anybody. I'm +trying to become a decent oar, and reading history--it simply takes all +the time I've got. I rowed a bit at school, but have never touched an +oar for two years until last July." + +"It's rather a grind, isn't it?" Fred said; but from that moment he +seemed to change his opinion of Jack, and if I could be a fool about +some things I feel quite certain that Fred had been bothering his head +about nothing for a very long time, which was not very sensible of him. +I don't believe that Jack ever understood why Fred disliked him, and +after he had pulled Nina out of the river the second time, I think he +began to regard her solely as a safe and easy way to a Humane Society's +medal. If Fred would only have believed that there are some things +which cannot stand repetition, I should have been saved a lot of +trouble. + +When I went back to my sitter I found that the blight which had always +settled upon them when they were together was disappearing quickly. +They were talking quite amiably, and although I should have been glad +to have said something to show that I noticed the change, I expect that +it was prudent of me to be silent. For the first time, as far as I +could remember, we met without wondering how soon we could separate, +and I had the sort of feeling which I should think a great-grandfather +must have when he is celebrating his ninetieth birthday in the presence +of his not too numerous descendants. I just sat and felt placid for +some time, until I woke up and told Fred that we were supposed to have +a mad fresher in college. + +"You are always getting hold of freaks," he answered, and I asked him +what he meant. + +"You've got about half-a-dozen men here whose names look as if they +have been turned hind-before; St. Cuthbert's has always been a home for +a peculiar brand of potentate." + +"Potentate!" I said scornfully; "besides, colour is not everything." + +"Prince, if you like." But I knew that he was trying to draw me on, so +I said nothing. To hear me in defence of my own college was, I am +sorry to say, a great pleasure to him. + +"Do you know how this report of Thornton being mad began?" Jack asked. +"I'm rather keen on this, and believe it can be made into a much better +rag than Lambert and Dennison think. It may be a chance to squash them +altogether." + +"Lambert has been trying to persuade me to help," I said. "I told him +I would have nothing to do with his blessed rag." + +"The best of the whole thing is that I don't believe Thornton is a +lunatic. Collier says he isn't, and both Learoyd and Murray say he's +not mad, but awfully clever or a humorist." + +"Murray!" I exclaimed, but Jack was losing the power to astonish me +very much. + +"He's all right, I met him in Learoyd's room," Jack said, and began to +laugh. + +"So Thornton isn't mad after all, and you needn't talk about freaks," I +told Fred. + +"Do you mind hearing about this?" Jack asked him; "it will be splendid +if it only comes off. It's like this: Lambert and Dennison are always +looking out for freaks"--I wished he would not give Fred such chances +to grin at me--"and Thornton's hair sticks up on end, and he never +seems to know what he is going to do next. Murray told me that he is +like a very good pianist he met once, except that he can't play the +piano. At any rate he's odd, and that was the reason why Dennison +asked him to lunch. And Lambert, do you know him?" + +Fred shook his head. + +"He is the kind of man who is built for processions and platforms and +Lord Mayors' Shows," Jack explained; "he's gorgeous altogether." + +"I saw him at your smoker," Fred said. + +"He's one of the sights of the place, and he began to talk to Thornton +about champagne." + +"He always talks about clothes or wine," I put in. + +"Thornton pretended--at least, I'll bet he pretended--to know nothing +about champagne. So Lambert told him the best brand was Omar Khayyam +of '78, and that by a stroke of luck it could still be got at a place +in the High. They thought Thornton swallowed that all right, so +Dennison told him that if he couldn't get Omar Khayyam he must get some +Rosbach of '82. After that they asked what sort of fly he used for +quail; of course the man must have been simply too sick of them to say +anything." + +"Lambert never told me anything about the champagne," I said. + +"I expect that was because he and Dennison nearly had a row about it; +he swore that he thought about Omar Khayyam, and Dennison swore that he +did--a rotten sort of thing to quarrel about, anyway. I never heard of +the man until yesterday. I've often heard of Rosbach," he added. + +"What's going to happen now?" Fred asked, and from some cause or other +he was shaking with laughter. + +Jack told him about the Hedonists, and finished up by saying that he +must go to see Thornton. + +"What's the good of that?" I asked. + +"I want to see if he isn't having a huge joke all to himself; if he is +we may as well help him with it." + +As soon as Fred had gone away Jack persuaded me to go with him and call +on Thornton. He had got hold of a scheme which Murray and Learoyd had +started, and as its object seemed to be to score off Dennison I was not +going to be out of it. We found Thornton sitting in an arm-chair with +his feet on the mantelpiece, and Jack seeing that he was alone sported +the oak so that we could not be interrupted. + +"I should think," Thornton said, as he pushed his chair back, "that I +must have had over thirty men in here to-day. There were seventeen +before twelve o'clock. I am thinking of putting a visitors' book in +the passage, so that they can write their names and go away. Are you +going to back me up to-morrow night?" he asked Jack. + +"They have persuaded you to stand?" + +"Dennison says it would be such a bad thing for the college if this man +Webb got in. Of course it is a great honour for a fresher, but I am +used to speaking; we have a debating society at home." He spoke as if +the whole thing was not in the least important, and ran his fingers +through his hair until it stood straight up on end. It was the sort of +hair which looked like stubble. + +Jack was so discouraged that he did not know what to say, so I asked +Thornton if he expected to be elected. + +"There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that; there are only about +thirty members, and quite half of them have promised to support me. +Webb of course is better known, but in some cases it does no harm to +keep oneself in the background until the last moment. Then I shall +speak." He seemed to think that his speech would settle everything +completely. + +I wandered round the room waiting for Jack to bring forward his scheme +if he could remember it, but he was sitting on the table sucking at a +pipe which had no tobacco in it, so I drifted over to a book-case, and +nearly the first book I saw was an edition of _Omar Khayyam_. This +surprised me so much that I turned round to see if Thornton really +looked like a lunatic, but I got no satisfaction from him, for I had +once seen a man who might have been his brother, and then I had been +playing cricket against an asylum. He was lying back in his chair +gazing at the ceiling, and I pulled _Omar Khayyam_ out of the case and +put it on the table for Jack to see. Then I sat down and waited for +results, but I had to make no end of signs before he would take any +notice of the book, for he was in such a state of despondency that I +believe he thought I was trying to talk on my fingers. At last his eye +fell on the book, and after I had nodded furiously at him, he jumped +off the table and stood in front of Thornton. + +"You read _Omar Khayyam_?" he said, holding the book in his hand. + +Thornton stopped staring at the ceiling and sat forward with his elbows +resting on his knees. "Yes," he answered; "at least, I used to until I +knew it by heart." + +"He's a good brand of champagne," Jack went on. + +"Are you a friend of Dennison's?" Thornton asked, and there was a kind +of hunted look in his eyes. + +"I'm not," I hastened to tell him, and at that moment I looked at my +watch and discovered that I had already kept The Bradder waiting for +ten minutes, so I had to go just as things were becoming interesting. + +Jack assured me afterwards that Thornton was not mad. "But," he added, +"he's very odd, and I believe he's in a mortal terror that, unless he +goes on pretending to be a fool, these men will do something much worse +to him than make him president of a society which doesn't exist. So +I've put Murray to speak to him; this will be the talk of the 'Varsity, +and I don't see what good there is in keeping prize idiots. I have +told him to go on playing up to Dennison for a bit, and then we would +help him." + +I did not think, however, that it would be very easy to save Thornton, +and when Collier and I went to the meeting of the Hedonists on the +following evening we agreed that whether he was mad or only very +simple, he was sure to be in for a bad time. Although Dennison had +moved into some of the biggest rooms in college, they were crowded when +we got to them, and it was very difficult to get Collier inside the +door. Dennison and a few other men were sitting at a table at the far +end of the room, and just as we arrived a fourth-year man got up to +speak. + +I suppose that his business was to explain why the Hedonists existed. +At any rate, he said that it was his duty before he, as the out-going +President, broke his wand of office to remind the Society that it +existed for two definite objects--the pursuit of pleasure, and the +suppression of vulgarity. He then went on to state that Mr. Wilkins, +formerly of St. Cuthbert's, had kindly consented to give an account of +his travels in Central Africa. + +"Formerly of St. Cuthbert's," described Wilkins correctly, for he had +been sent down after one term, and since then had been living an +alcoholic existence in a farm-house a few miles outside Oxford. His +appearance was comical, but he was really a dreadful barbarian, who +thought that it was better to gain notoriety as a hard drinker than to +be forgotten entirely. He began by telling us that he had never been +to Central Africa, and hoped sincerely that he never should go. He +also told us that the reason why he was addressing the Society was a +rumour that his aunt had met several African explorers at dinner, but +he wished to say that she was no more of a lion-hunter than he was. In +this way he strove desperately to be amusing, but the struggle was very +painful, and I was glad when he had finished. + +The President then broke his wand of office, which for some obscure +reason was a bulrush painted white, and Thornton and Webb, who had been +sitting behind the table, were put up for election and called upon to +speak. Webb developed a stammer, and although he had his speech +written on his shirt-cuff, no one could hear what he said. He was, +however, received with a lot of applause, so that Thornton might think +the election was genuine; Dennison had certainly packed the meeting +with great care. + +Thornton's speech was, in its way, almost too amusing, for I found it +very hard to believe that any one who was not more or less mad could +possibly make it. He spoke at a tremendous pace, sometimes talking +utter nonsense, and then as if by chance saying something almost +sensible. Voting-papers were given to twenty-five picked men after he +had finished, and Thornton was elected President by fourteen votes to +eleven. The meeting finished by Thornton thanking everybody in a voice +which sounded tearful, and then he announced that the annual dinner of +the Hedonists would be held at The Sceptre on the following Friday +evening, at which the ceremonies of inauguration would be held, and he +would be the only guest of the Society in accordance with its ancient +and honourable traditions. + +"Don't you think he is mad?" I said to Jack as I walked across the quad +with him. + +"The only danger is that they may find out that he is rotting the whole +lot of them. He overdid the thing to-night. Come and see Murray." + +We found Murray waiting to hear what had happened at the meeting, and +from the account we gave him he said that it could not have gone off +more successfully. "If you think Thornton mad when you know that he +isn't, there is no reason for Dennison to change his mind. Besides, +these men are quite certain that he is cracked, and as long as we are +careful they won't suspect anything." + +"We shall have to be most tremendously careful," Jack said, and he +seemed to find the prospect oppressive. + +"I'll manage Thornton," Murray continued, "and what you men have got to +do is to get asked to this dinner. We shall have to take some others +into this." + +We sat down and chose several men who disliked the Dennison gang, and +who could be trusted not to give our scheme away by talking about it, +and during the next few days we had to work hard. Dennison and +Lambert, however, were so confident that this dinner was going to be +the finest rag ever held in Oxford that they did not mind who came to +it. Collier got several invitations for us, because he had a nice +solid way of sitting down in a man's rooms and waiting until he was +given what he wanted; but apart from Jack it was not difficult for us +to get to The Sceptre, and at last even Jack was invited. Murray said +that his part was to prepare Thornton, and he refused to go to the +dinner, because Dennison might wonder why he wanted to be there. I +thought that Murray carried caution to extremes. + +I should think that there were nearly forty men at this function; but +the only guest was Thornton, so he began by scoring something. It was +an elaborate affair; Dennison as Secretary of the Hedonists, and two or +three men who called themselves Ex-Presidents, wore enormous badges, +and Thornton's shirt was covered with orders and decorations which were +supposed to have been worn by eighty-eight consecutive Presidents. How +any one who was sane could possibly consent to be made such a fool +puzzled me altogether, and it required all Jack's assurances to make me +believe that we should not be scored off all along the line. + +After the dinner was finished Dennison got up to introduce the +President of the year, but all he did was to give a short biography of +Thornton, which for impudence was simply terrific. Everything had gone +so well up to then that I suppose he could not keep himself in hand any +longer; but as he was bounder enough to pull Thornton's people into his +speech, he succeeded in disgusting several men who had been helping him +in the rag. He finished up by saying that Thornton would give his +inaugural address, and that afterwards the historic ceremonies of the +Hedonists would be performed. + +A man with a voice which was a mixture of a street hawker's and a +parish clerk's stood up and chanted, "I call upon Mr. Edward Noel +Kenneth Thornton to put on the purple presidential cap and to deliver +his inaugural address to this ancient and historic Society." The cap, +which had a long black tassel, was then handed to Thornton, and he put +it on amidst tremendous applause. It made him look more ridiculous +than ever, but he seemed to be perfectly calm when he got up and bowed +solemnly in every direction. + +"Mr. Ex-Presidents and fellow-members of this justly-celebrated +Hedonist Society," he began, and every word he said could be heard +plainly, "we are here to-night in obedience to custom and in pursuit of +pleasure. Custom is one thing and pleasure is another, but we are +fortunate in belonging to a Society which makes its customs pleasant, +and which has such skilled hands to guide its pleasures that the word +customary fails entirely to describe them." He paused for a moment, +and a man near me asked what he was talking about, but Webb answered +quickly that he was a hopeless madman, and that the ceremonies would be +the real joke. "That I, a freshman," he continued, "should be elected +President of this Society fills me with gratitude and even dismay, for +I fear that the duties of so distinguished an office will be but +inadequately performed during the coming year." Loud cries of "No" +followed this remark, and he went on, "You are good enough to disagree +with me, and perhaps the ceremonies connected with my office may help +me to fulfil my duties. I will tell you what those ceremonies are." +Dennison tried to stop him, but he was speaking quickly and took no +notice of the interruption. "After my address has been given I put on +my robes of office and ride on a mule from here to St. Cuthbert's; I am +to be accompanied by the band of the Society, and attended by six men +who will carry syphons of Apollinaris water and prevent my robes from +being soiled by the dust of the streets. Had I known before I came +here that so much honour was about to be showered upon me I do not +think that I should have considered myself worthy of being your +President. I forgot to say that I am provided with an umbrella." I +looked at Dennison, and he did not seem to be feeling very comfortable; +Thornton, however, had kept up the _role_ of a madman thoroughly, and +had spoken of the ceremonies as if he was quite prepared to carry them +out. Some men were shouting with laughter, but Jack was almost pale +with anxiety, and whispered to me that he was afraid Thornton would get +flurried and finish his speech too soon. As soon as the laughter had +stopped he went on speaking, and although he looked terribly pale and +bothered, he was never at a loss for words. "I am, I have been told, +the eighty-ninth man to fill this important office, and when I think of +my predecessors, some of whom have doubtless passed away, I am filled +with a sense of my unfitness for the post which I fill. The whole fate +of this Society depends upon its President; without him to guide the +members in their pursuit of pleasure they would be left to drift into +undignified amusements, and might even end by taking such absurd things +as degrees. At all cost we must avoid banality." As if in the +excitement of the moment, he swept his hands over his head and knocked +off his cap. "However, my fellow Hedonists, I think I may say that +your last President has entered earnestly into the spirit of this +Society. Its aim, you remember, is pleasure--not any vulgar or +ordinary pleasure, but refined and exclusive amusement--that is written +in the rules of the Society as they were given to me, and I need not +remind those who are present to-night that it is their duty to obey +them." He rested his right hand on his shirt, and continued quickly, +"I, at any rate, have obeyed them to the letter. I have, if I may say +so, got more amusement out of this evening than I have ever had in my +life, and as your eighty-ninth President I declare this magnificent +Society at an end." Dennison, Lambert, and one or two others jumped +up, but Thornton told them loudly not to interrupt him, and several of +us shouted for him to go on with his speech. "I have had an +exceedingly good dinner, and my last word must be one of sympathy with +Mr. Dennison, who, thinking that I was a bigger fool than he was, has +invented a society of which, I am sure you will all acknowledge, he is +the only man worthy to be President. I hope that you will see that he +performs the ceremonies which he has arranged for me." As he finished +he took off all his badges and tossed them across the table to Dennison. + +There was a good deal of noise during the concluding sentences of his +speech, but the so-called Hedonists were so astonished that they did +nothing, and Thornton very prudently did not wait to see what would +happen next. Dennison was in a miserable state because he was +violently angry and trying to grin, and before the general hubbub had +stopped, two men out of our eight, who had never forgiven him for +laughing at their rowing, picked him up and carried him out of the +room. In a minute Dennison, with the purple cap on his head, was +sitting on the donkey, and a procession had started to St. Cuthbert's. +When we got back to college we succeeded in taking possession of the +porter who answered our knocks, and in getting both the moke and +Dennison into the quad. I was so engaged with the porter that I did +not see whether Dennison entered in state, but at any rate he had to +ride round the quad two or three times, and crowds of men were there to +see him do it. Finally, the Subby and The Bradder appeared, and gave +orders that the donkey should leave the college; so as soon as Dennison +had dismounted, his steed was handed over to its owner, who was waiting +in the street. Then some of us paid a call on the porter to see if he +could develop a bad memory for faces, but the only thing we found out +from him was that his temper was bad, and that we had known before. As +I went back to my rooms I met Lambert, who drew himself up in front of +me as if he was on parade. + +"Don't think," he said, "that you have heard the last of this." + +"We shall never hear the last of it," I answered, + +"We know that you played this dirty trick." + +"You can know what you please," I said. + +"I told you about Thornton, and then you prepare this behind our backs." + +"The whole college, and nearly the whole 'Varsity knew about Thornton, +so you needn't talk such rot to me. Crowds of out-college men were +here to see him come in to-night." + +"You arranged the whole thing." + +"You may think whatever you like," I replied; and he strode away with a +warning that I had better look out for myself. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +ONE WORD TOO MANY + +The collapse of the Hedonists placed me in a very curious position, for +by some freak of fortune an idea spread through the 'Varsity that I had +been responsible for it, and whenever I went to Vincent's I was always +button-holed by men who asked me to tell them what had happened. It +was almost as bad as Nina falling into the "Cher," for a tale thirty +times told is as flavourless as sauce kept in an uncorked bottle. I +could not say that Murray was the man to explain the whole thing, for +he was most extraordinarily anxious that his name should not be +mentioned. I thought that he carried discretion beyond the bounds of +decency, but Jack said that if it had not been for him we should never +have made a fool of Dennison, and this was so far true that I stopped +myself from making one or two forcible remarks. The immediate result +of our procession was that a great many people seemed to be +incoherently angry. I had interviews with both the Warden and the +Subby, and I am sorry to say that our porter had told them that I had +hit him in the ribs. I had done nothing of the kind, but it was +necessary that he should be taken for a short walk, and I did put my +arm through his and keep myself between him and the donkey until it was +safely in the quad. I am sure that the Warden understood that I would +not hit any one in the ribs, and I think his annoyance was due chiefly +to the fact that some one had told a reporter a lot of things which +were not true, and there were accounts of the Hedonists in some of the +London papers. But the fact of a donkey being in our quad had got on +the Subby's nerves, and he gated me for a month without listening to +what I had to say. He also told me that I ought to consider myself +very lucky not to be sent down for the term. Several other men, +including Dennison, were gated for a fortnight, and I had great +difficulty in keeping Jack from going to the Subby, to ask him if he +would not do something to him. It was very silly of Jack to think of +pushing himself into this row, but instead of thanking his stars that +he had not been seen, he was furious with me when I told him to keep +away from the Subby; and a lot of other men in St. Cuthbert's who would +have been glad to help in squashing Dennison, were angry because they +had never been told of our plans. + +Collier, who had not been gated, told me by way of comfort that virtue +is its own reward, but if this is true, I really think that virtue is +badly handicapped, and that those who practise it should get something +more substantial to satisfy them. I began to think that if ever there +was another attempt to do anything for the college I should be too busy +to take any part in it. There was, however, one thing which cheered me +during these days of bad temper, and that was a report that Dennison +and Lambert were vowing vengeance upon me. I hoped most sincerely that +they would try to do something, for I should have received them with +pleasure. But their threats never came to anything, for as the days +passed by and every one knew how completely they had been scored off, +their desire for revenge seemed to wane. Ridicule smothered them, and +try as they would to live it down, their influence, as far as the +college was concerned, disappeared entirely. Some of the set pulled +themselves up and became more or less silent, while others continued to +shriek at night, and to go to the theatre for the purpose of making a +row, which seems to me to be nearly the end of all things. + +In a week the Hedonists were almost forgotten, and when the storm had +blown over, Murray was not so anxious that I should have all the credit +of having caused it. But by that time no one cared to know who had +thought of preparing Thornton for the dinner, and Murray treated me as +if I had robbed him of something. I think he must have been working +too hard, or suffering from some secret illness, for I had already told +a hundred men that it was not in me to make a plot of any kind, and +that if I had been responsible for this one it would never have been +successful. Murray's indignation came too late to have any effect, and +as I thought he was quite unreasonable I made no attempt to pacify him. + +After things had settled down again no one could help seeing that the +fall of Dennison and his friends had done no end of good to the +college. The men who can be only described as absolute slackers do not +often get the chance of having any influence in a college, but for some +reason or other Dennison had become the fashion among a certain set in +St. Cuthbert's, and if we were ever to do anything properly again it +was time for the fashion to change. There are many ways of making +yourself conspicuous in Oxford, and Dennison chose the one which the +majority of men never have been able to put up with. I think St. +Cuthbert's during my first two years had most unusually bad luck; we +were suffering, like the agricultural interest, from years of +depression, and we tobogganed down the hill instead of trying to pull +ourselves to the top of it again. I suppose other colleges have their +troubles, but while I was at Oxford no college had such a desperate +struggle as St. Cuthbert's. + +My interviews with The Bradder during the first two or three weeks of +this term were most strictly business-like. I was afraid that he would +speak to me of the Hedonists, and as I had no intention of saying a +word to him about them I never stayed with him longer than I could +possibly help. Dons, however, find out things without asking +undergraduates, and the man who imagines that they are not troubling +themselves about him is in danger of having rather a rude awakening, if +he happens to be doing things which do not please them. Our dons must +have known all about Dennison, and I believe they fixed their eyes most +steadfastly upon him. At any rate, his father, who was a barrister, +must have heard something, because he paid a surprise visit to Oxford. +There is something horribly mean about surprise visits, whatever +information may be got from them, and for the first time in my life I +felt a little sympathy for Dennison. + +Whether his father thought this visit successful or not I do not know, +but he certainly found out a lot in a short time and came to a very +definite decision. He called on Dennison at ten o'clock and found him +sleeping, he called again at twelve o'clock with the same result; at +one o'clock he discovered him sitting at breakfast in his +dressing-gown. Lambert was unfortunate enough to hear some of the +interview which followed, and he said that Dennison's defence was very +clever, but that he broke down under cross-examination. + +"I have never seen such a man as old Dennison," I heard Lambert telling +some one in the common-room; "he looked like a piece of marble, and +when I went in and wanted to bolt he treated me as if I was an +office-boy, and said that as he believed I was a particular friend of +his son's it would do me good to stay. The worst of it was that +Dennison wasn't very well, and was having a pick-me-up with his +brekker. He wasn't in bed until four this morning, so it's no wonder +he didn't look very fit." + +On the following afternoon Dennison left Oxford; he was not sent down +by the dons, but had to go for the simple reason that his father said +he would not let him stay any longer. His friends took him down to the +station, and there was a procession of cabs and a noise, but I am sure +that there was a feeling of relief in the college when he had gone. +Jack and I told each other that we were sorry that his end had come so +suddenly, although if any one had asked me what I meant, I am sure that +I could not have given any explanation. It is not very hard to guess +what would have happened to him if his father had not acted as he did, +and if you have to leave Oxford abruptly I should think the best way is +to be hurried off by your people; it must save so many explanations +when you get home. + +What happened to Dennison I cannot say; somebody said that he was going +round the world or on to the Stock Exchange, but Lambert denied both +these reports, and declared that he had reformed so violently that he +had become a teetotaler and intended to wear a blue riband in his +button-hole. I doubted the blue riband part of the story, and if +Dennison ever wore one I think it would only be on Boat-race day, for +it takes a tremendous lot of courage to wear a badge of any kind. + +After Dennison had disappeared, Jack and I saw The Bradder nearly every +day. His keenness on the college increased instead of wearing off with +time, and he seemed to be exactly the right kind of man to be a don. +His energy was really terrific, and I received more goads than I could +endure conveniently, so I passed some of them on to Jack and chose +those which I liked the least, not, I am afraid, the ones which Jack +might be inclined to receive with patience. + +The Bradder persuaded me to join both a Shakespearian and a Browning +Society, and as I could not plunge into such things by myself I dragged +Jack with me. The Shakespearian Society was pleasant enough, but after +two meetings of the Browningites Jack said flatly that he would not go +again. Some of the Browning men objected to the windows being opened, +and it is very difficult to keep awake in a stuffy room when you have +been taking hard exercise in the afternoon. Jack, at any rate, snored +so loudly at the second meeting that he shocked the President, and when +he woke up he interrupted a discussion by giving a very fluent lecture +on the advantages of ventilation. I expect that he would have been +turned out of the society if he had not resigned, and I ought not to +have dragged him into it, for he was so violently bored by the whole +thing that he declared he must have a little pleasure to make him +forget all about it. + +"Something in the open air," he said to me, when he came to my rooms on +the morning after he had snored, and he looked at a volume of _Stubbs' +Constitutional History_ as if he was very tired of it. I was also +feeling rather dull, for I had already got through a fortnight of my +gating, and to be kept in college after nine o'clock night after night +is not very exciting. + +"A little change is what we want," Jack went on, as I said nothing. + +"I can't do much," I answered; "I'm gated and you have got to row." + +"I've got a day off to-morrow; the stroke of my boat has to go to town +and bow's ill." + +"Why not have a day's hunting?" I asked. + +"There is a little race-meeting down below Reading; you pulled me into +that Browning thing and it is only fair for you to come to this." + +"But I shan't be back in time." + +"It's only about twenty miles beyond Reading, and there's no footer +match, because I've looked to see. Let's get Bunny Langham and have a +rest, it will do us all no end of good. Bunny is going in for +politics--his father was President of the Union, and he has got to be, +if he can. I should think that there are more Presidents of things in +Oxford than any other place in the world, unless it's Cambridge; but +Bunny will stick some of his own poetry into his speeches, and the men +at the Union don't like it. You can tell him that if ever he expects +to be President he must stop that game, he takes no notice of what I +say about poetry. You'll come?" + +We looked up trains and found out that we could be back by half-past +six, so I said that I would go, and Jack went off to see Bunny Langham. +As far as racing was concerned the Horndeane meeting was not very +interesting, for there was not a close finish in any race which I saw, +but if any one has a fancy for picking up very inexpensive horses I +should advise them never to miss Horndeane. + +I was strolling about with Bunny and Jack after one race, and saw the +winner of it brought out for sale. It fetched a hundred and sixty +guineas, and Jack said it was "dirt cheap." Then another horse was put +up, and I was surprised to hear some one bid ten guineas. Such an +offer seemed to me ridiculous for a race-horse, so without thinking, +and just to help things on a bit, I said "eleven," and strolled on with +Jack; but before we had gone far some one was asking my name, and +another man was asking me what I wished him to do with the horse. So +many questions bothered me, and I tried to explain that I had made a +mistake when I had said "eleven," but it seemed as if such mistakes did +not count for much. + +"The horse is yours," one man said. + +"And he's got the temper of a fiend," the other man added, "and I +should like you to find some one to take him at once." + +I was quite prepared to give him away if I could find any one foolish +enough to have him, but Bunny wouldn't hear of it, and declared we +would take him back to Oxford with us. "He may be a gold mine, who +knows?" he said. + +Jack laughed so much, that while I was surrounded by a lot of impatient +people he was unable to help me at all, and I can tell those who have +never had to suffer as I did, that to become an owner of a race-horse +suddenly is a very awkward experience. + +My brute was called "Thunderer," and the man who had got hold of him +said that his name was the only good thing about him, for he roared +like the sea. I wished heartily that some one would steal my horse, +but every one seemed to be most distressingly anxious to keep as far +away from him as possible. + +I suppose Bunny knew all about racers, for in a few minutes he had +arranged for a horse-box to be put on our train, and Thunderer +disappeared. I seemed to spend the remainder of the afternoon in being +asked for money by people who said they had done or were going to do +something for me. I found that my exalted position brought many +burdens with it, and I was very glad when we left the race-course. +Unfortunately, however, we trusted to Bunny's watch, and when we got to +the station, which was on a little branch line, our train to Reading +had gone. There had been some bother about the horse-box, and the +station-master and a number of people who took an unabating interest in +me were quarrelling when we arrived. I sat down on a bench and left +Bunny to talk to them; I have never been so tired of anything in my +life. + +Even if the next train was punctual we had to wait for an hour, and by +no chance could we reach Oxford before half-past seven. We should have +been annoyed in any case, but Jack and I were very irritated because +the Mohocks were meeting that evening, and we had men dining with us. +The only thing to do was to telegraph and ask some one to look after +our guests until we came, but the station had no telegraph-office, and +if we wanted to send a telegram we had to go down to the village. + +A porter assured us that we could get to the post-office in ten +minutes, and that the road was quite straight. I don't know what he +was thinking about, possibly of a bicycle and daylight, for the way to +the village needed a lot of finding, and it took us quite half-an-hour +to reach the post-office. By that time a thick fog had risen. We +tried, and failed, to get any kind of vehicle to take us back to the +station, so we started to run and lost our way. The natural result was +that we missed another train, and the stationmaster, who must have had +an especial dislike for me, had not sent on the horse-box, and was more +angry than ever. Of all the obstinate people in the world I think a +station-master at a small station can be easily first, and our efforts +to soothe him produced no effect whatever. Everything he said began +with "I know my business," and I have always been inclined to doubt +people who try to crush me with such unnecessary information. + +We got away eventually, but my misfortunes were not finished. Our +train was very late at Reading and there was no longer any chance for +me to be in college by nine o'clock. Jack, too, was bothered about the +men whom he had asked to dinner, and Bunny alone remained in a state of +unruffled contentment. + +When the train came at last I got into a carriage with only a glance at +the people in it, and tried to go to sleep, but Bunny kept on talking +about Thunderer and had magnificent schemes for my future benefit. I +regret to say that he was in what must have been a sportive mood, and +asked me to choose my racing colours and my trainer. He kept up a long +series of questions which I did not answer, but which prevented me from +going to sleep. I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Jack slumbering +in a corner, but when I looked at the man opposite to me I became most +thoroughly awake. This man, as far as I remember anything about him +when I got into the carriage, had his head buried in a newspaper; now +he was revealed as Mr. Edwardes, and having wished me "good-evening," +he added--quite superfluously--that he was surprised to see me. + +Bunny with more curiosity than good manners put on his glasses to look +at Mr. Edwardes, and I, having to say something, thought that I might +as well introduce them to each other, though I took care to mumble +Bunny's name so that it could not be heard. Mr. Edwardes bowed and +opened his paper again, but Bunny having arrived at the fact that I was +face to face with a don of some kind, thought he would try to pass the +time pleasantly. Considering what he had already said about +race-horses nothing could have been more fatuous than his attempts to +explain why I was not in Oxford. He began by talking about British +industries, and in a minute was saying that he thought a visit to +Huntley and Palmer's biscuit manufactory was well worth a visit to +Reading. I kicked and nudged him incessantly, for the snubs which he +received from Mr. Edwardes only seemed to encourage him. + +The distance between Reading and Oxford is happily not great, but by +the time we had finished our journey I was in a state of profound +discomfort, and though I had no love for Mr. Edwardes, I thought that +Bunny might have had the sense to know that if he was amusing himself +he was making things more difficult for me. His explanation was that a +man who looked like a frozen image was just as likely to believe that I +had been inspecting Huntley and Palmer's manufactory as buying a +race-horse, and at any rate it was a good thing to try and mix him up a +little, but I can't say that I thought the explanation a good one. + +When we got to Oxford a man from a livery-stable was waiting for +Thunderer, and Jack and I reached St. Cuthbert's just as the Mohocks +were coming back to college after playing pool. It was half-past ten +before I could explain things to the men whom I had asked to dine with +me, and when they heard that I had been buying a race-horse they +thought that my excuses were good enough. + +The Bradder was dining with the Mohocks that evening, and when the +out-college men had gone away he asked me to come to his rooms and have +a smoke. I looked at Jack, and The Bradder said at once, "Ask Ward to +come with you," and walked off across the quad. + +We told him exactly what we had been doing, and I think Mr. Edwardes +would have been rather surprised to see how he laughed. + +"What would Colonel Marten say if he knew you had bought a race-horse?" +he asked me. + +"I hope to goodness he never will know," I answered. + +"What are you going to do with him?" + +"Sell him--if I can; Langham's got him in the stables where he keeps +his horses, and if you would like to have a look at him, I'll take you +round." + +But The Bradder shook his head. + +"You say Mr. Edwardes saw you at Reading, and that you are gated, and +were not in college until ten o'clock. I wish you would not do such +stupid things," he said quite seriously. + +"It was the reaction," I replied. + +"From what?" + +"Browning," I said, and The Bradder did not look altogether pleased. + +"I am sorry you can't appreciate Browning." + +"I can't appreciate very many things at once. Besides, Jack and I felt +very dull." + +"Mr. Edwardes saw you, I suppose?" he asked Jack. + +"I should think so, but I don't think he knows me by sight." + +"Oh yes, he does," The Bradder said. "Both of you are bound to hear +more about this." + +"It's very unfortunate," Jack remarked; "you see there was a fog, and +all sorts of unexpected things happened. It has been a real bad day," +he added, as we left the room. + +On the following morning directly after breakfast Jack and I went round +to see Bunny, and we found him talking to a man who looked like a groom +from his head to his heels. I groaned. + +"Sit down, Sam," Bunny said. "That's Mr. Marten, the owner of the +horse you are talking about." + +"Well, all I can say is what the Guv'nor told me to say. I was to say +this 'oss must leave our place this morning or there'll be trouble." + +"There seems to have been trouble already," Bunny replied. + +"'E's done enough damage for twenty 'osses. Kick, you should see 'im; +'e's kicked a loose box silly. Our Guv'nor's fairly got 'is rag out." + +"He must wait until I've finished breakfast. You'd better have a +cigarette, Sam." + +"No, thank you," Sam answered, and looked at a cigar-box. + +"Help yourself," Bunny said. + +Sam helped himself and remarked that he had been up since five o'clock +with that blessed 'oss, and that it was thirsty work. So he helped +himself again. After that he did not seem to mind so much what the +Guv'nor said, and told Bunny that he had never met a nobleman who +didn't know how to treat people properly. + +We talked to Sam for some time, and just as Bunny was finishing +breakfast another man came into the room. + +"I had forgotten all about you," Bunny said. "I'm afraid this place is +rather full of smoke," and he introduced his cousin, Mr. Eric Bruce. + +"I can't congratulate you on your memory," Bruce replied; "you forgot I +was going to stay with you last night, and you forget I want any +breakfast. Funny chap, Augustus, isn't he?" he said to me. + +"Your wire never came until I had gone yesterday, so I couldn't forget +you were coming," Bunny said, and rang the bell. + +"I'll tell the Guv'nor you'll be round in 'alf a jiffy," Sam said, and +went out of the room jerkily, as if he had got a stiff leg. + +"What curious friends you have, Augustus, and what is ''alf a jiffy'?" +Bruce asked. + +"Don't be a fool," Bunny answered, "and don't call me Augustus." + +"It's better than Gussy," Bruce declared, and though I should have been +glad to contradict him, for I disliked him at sight, there is no doubt +that he was right. + +"Is the man, who has gone, an elderly undergraduate or only a don?" +Bruce went on. + +"He's from some stables round the corner. Any one with two eyes could +see that." + +"Rude as usual; my cousin's the oddest man," Bruce said to Jack. + +"Like to buy a horse?" Bunny asked him. + +"I'm ready to buy anything if I can sell it at a profit," he answered. + +"Well, swallow your breakfast and come and have a look. You'll get +your profit all right. I've never known you when you didn't." + +In a few minutes we all went to the stables, and Bunny began haggling +operations. Bruce bid a "fiver" for Thunderer, and was told he would +fetch that for cats' meat, and then the game went on. In the end Bruce +said he would give fifteen guineas, and take him to London that day. I +nearly seized him by the hand, and told him he was a rare good sort, +which I was quite convinced he was not. The livery-stable man did not +seem to care what happened as long as Thunderer went away, and I must +say that he made the least of his eccentricities. + +"That's a bit of luck," Bunny said to me when the bargain was settled, +"I get rid of my cousin and a horse on the same day, both real bad +lots. He's our family pestilence," and he nodded at Bruce's back. + +For Jack's benefit I added up the result of my investment, and came to +the conclusion that I was about eighteen-pence to the bad when I had +paid for the damage Thunderer had done, and all the little incidental +expenses connected with him. You can't own a race-horse for nothing, +and I think that I--or rather Bunny--did well. I was told afterwards +that Bruce raffled my horse and sold fifty tickets for a sovereign +each, but I am not inclined to believe that story, and at any rate I +should not have known where to find fifty fools. I certainly could not +have discovered them in Oxford, where some people, who have never been +there, make the mistake of thinking they are to be found in crowds. + +I believe the dons held a meeting about Jack and me, for The Bradder +told us there was a great difference of opinion about the sort of men +we were. I tried to get more out of him, but failed. However, we got +off lightly, for Jack was only gated for a week, while I was given a +lecture by the Subby, and had a week added to my term of imprisonment. + +The Bradder also advised me to give up going to race-meetings. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +A TUTORSHIP + +I was beginning to forget that I had ever been the owner of a +race-horse when I got a furious letter from my father. The Warden had +told my uncle, and my uncle lost his head and wrote to my people +instead of to me. A tale of this kind always flies round at a +tremendous pace, and it was difficult to make every one believe that I +had never meant to buy the horse, and that as soon as I had bought him +my one desire was to get rid of him. I found out afterwards that the +Warden only told my uncle because he thought the tale would amuse him, +but apparently he expressed himself in such very curious language that +he gave the impression of being annoyed. After I had soothed my people +the Bishop wrote to me that the turf had been the ruin of many young +men, but when I thought of the part I had played upon it I came to the +conclusion that I was not likely to be added to the number. My uncle +referred to racing as "a fascinating and very expensive pleasure," and +I assured him that I had not found it fascinating, and that my +experience had cost me eighteen-pence, the cheapness of which he had to +admit. I am glad that I added up my expenses, for that eighteen-pence +was very useful, it was such a delightfully ridiculous sum to brandish +at any one who thought that I was trotting down the road to perdition. + +During the rest of the term we were very quiet in St. Cuthbert's. I +was able to play rugger for the college in nearly every match, for my +days in the 'Varsity fifteen had ended. Hogan was better than ever, +while I had fallen away to the kind of man who Blackheath ask to play +for them when half their team are crocked and the other half have +influenza. I did not mind, however, for our college fifteen was only +beaten by Trinity and Keble, and our soccer team, chiefly owing to +three or four freshers, was also much better than it had been for years. + +Things were improving all round, and Jack's energy was almost +exhausting to those who watched it. He seemed to me to be hunting for +societies to join, and he went round sampling them and finding out that +they did not suit him. Bunny Langham succeeded in getting himself +elected Secretary of the Union, and he told me that he was going to +have several cabinet ministers down to speak in the following term, and +should give them a jolly good dinner. He asked Jack and me to meet +them, but only one of them came, and he did not dine with Bunny. His +father, who was in the Government and held the record for the number of +speeches he had made in the House of Lords, came down once and wanted +to come again, but he spoke for such a tremendously long time that +Bunny declared that he should give up all hopes of being elected +President if he ever came again. + +In the Lent term Jack rowed six in our Torpid, and also told me that he +thought he should try and get his blue for throwing the hammer. He had +never thrown the hammer in his life, but he said that he knew what it +was like and any one could throw it. I suppose that was true, but +Jack, when he tried, found that there were other men who could throw it +a greater distance than he could, which did not trouble him in the +least. He remarked that the hammer was a silly thing after all, and +that he should think of something else. + +But the Torpid occupied so much of his time and attention that he gave +up seeking for a curious way in which to get his blue, and settled down +to train in a most determined manner. The sight of me eating muffins +for tea seemed to be almost an insult to him, I really believe that he +would have liked me to train with him, though I had nothing whatever to +train for. He did persuade me once to run round the Parks before +breakfast, but I didn't repeat the experiment, for I felt quite fit +without being restless in the early morning. Of course I had the +Torpid to breakfast, and their confidence in themselves was as great as +their appetites. You can't, I think, give breakfast to a Torpid and +like them at the same time, and I have never acted as host to a Torpid +or an Eight without being struck by the fact that of all men in the +world I was the most supremely unimportant. Occasionally Jack and +another man remembered that I was not very interested in the amount of +work the Corpus stroke did with his legs, and made as great an effort +to drag me into the conversation as I made to keep in it. But the +effort was very apparent on both sides, and I gave up when I heard that +seven in the Merton boat used his oar like a pump-handle, and that +there was not a single man in the Pembroke crew who pulled his own +weight. This last statement compelled me to ask if Pembroke hoisted a +sail on their boat and waited for a favourable wind, but my question +was treated with scorn, and I came to the usual conclusion that the +best place to see a Torpid collectively is in a boat. + +The confidence of our men depressed me, for I had most conscientiously +played the part of host to previous Torpids and Eights, who had been +equally confident until the racing began. After that they had either +complained of their luck or their cox, and I asked Jack when I got him +by himself if he really thought our boat was going up. + +"I don't know," he replied, "we plug hard, and thinking you are bound +to bump everybody is part of the game. It's no use starting to race +with your tail down." + +The papers considered that we were bound to rise, but for two years +they had been saying that and all we had done was to lose more places. +I wished that I could meet some one who was not sure about the success +of our boat, and at last I discovered him in Lambert, who said our crew +looked like a picnic party, which had gone too far out to sea, and had +to plug for all they were worth to get back before night. Then I +defended them and felt more happy. The fact was the Torpids were a +sort of test case; if we went up I felt we should have fairly turned +the corner, but if we went down I was afraid our fit of enthusiasm +would cool rapidly. No one who was rowing in them could have been more +excited than I was. The Bradder noticed it and complained, but for the +moment I was incapable of caring much about things which had happened, +and after all there is something to be said for anybody who is really +keen on one thing, if he does not make himself a very terrific bore. + +On the first night of the races we got a dreadfully bad start, and for +two or three minutes we were in danger of being bumped. Then we +settled down and began to draw close to Corpus, but our cox was too +eager and made unsuccessful shots at them. After the second shot I +could not run another yard, so perhaps a little training might have +done me good, but we did catch Corpus at the "Cher," and that began a +triumphant week. We made seven bumps, and though a lot of men said our +crew showed more brute force than science, it must have been nonsense, +because we went up from fourteenth to seventh, and when a boat gets +fairly high in the First Division there is sure to be some one in it +who can row properly. The stroke of the 'Varsity eight told me that +the best man in our Torpid was Jack and I believed him very easily. + +"He could be made useful in the middle of a boat with a bit of +coaching," he said to me. + +"You'll be up next year, so look out for him," I answered, and I told +him that I thought Jack was a splendid oar, which was no use because he +only laughed. + +I had become so accustomed to a dismal return to college from both the +Eights and Torpids that the change was quite delightful, and on the +last day of the races we had a huge "bump" supper in hall. From that +supper some of our dons stood aloof and were even said to disapprove of +it, but the Warden was present for the greater part of it, and the +Bursar and The Bradder entered into the spirit of the thing with a zest +which was splendid. There were also two or three more dons, who had +been undergrads of St. Cuthbert's, but who now belonged to other +colleges, and they seemed to know that there are times when it is well +to forget that you are a don. We entertained two members of each of +the crews which we had bumped, and I cannot say that any of them seemed +to be dispirited by their bad fortune. Indeed, as the evening went on +they became exceedingly lively, and some of them were inclined to swear +everlasting friendship with any one who liked demonstrations. + +After supper we had a lot of speeches, but it was impossible to hear +many of them, for everybody wanted to speak and no one to listen. I +did hear the opening sentence of one speech, "Gentlemen, I used to be +able to row once," but I heard no more, for the next words were drowned +in loud cries of "Shame" and "No, no," and the don who wished to tell +us his personal reminiscences just stood and smiled at us. He had been +in the St. Cuthbert's boat when it had been head of the river and did +not mind anything. Before we left the hall there were two men speaking +at once at our table, it was a great chance to practise oratory. I +have never been at a more convivial supper, and since we had not been +given an opportunity of celebrating anything for ages it is no wonder +that we made a tremendous noise. Some people may wag their heads at +bump suppers and call them silly, or whatever they please, but they +have forgotten the joy of living, and find their chief delight in +criticizing the pleasures of those who are younger and happier than +themselves. I suppose they are useful in their way, but thank goodness +their way is not mine. You can't expect an undergraduate to celebrate +seven bumps by standing on the top of a mountain and watching a +sunrise, or by some equally peaceful enjoyment. He wants noise, and he +generally manages to get it. I know that I was very pleased with that +evening and felt as if it had been well-spent, but when I tried to +describe it to Mrs. Faulkner, she shrugged her shoulders and said that +it was most childish, for she couldn't understand that it was very nice +to let yourself go a little when there was a good reason for doing it. +I believe she was one of those people who are ashamed of ever having +been children, and if she lived to be a hundred years old and kept all +her faculties she would never understand what a peculiar mixture makes +up life at Oxford. I did not tell her about the bonfire which we had +in the back quad after supper, because I am sure she would have thought +that either I was lying or that most of the men in St. Cuthbert's were +a set of lunatics. + +Two or three dons, who could appreciate festivities, danced round the +bonfire quite happily, and evidently enjoyed themselves. They were +very popular; too much so possibly for their own comfort, for one of +them who was, except on especial occasions, a most prim and proper +person, was seized by a man, who looked upon him as his very dearest +friend, and carried round the bonfire at galloping pace. After that +the dons disappeared and we had a dance in the hall. I should think +the band must have been as keen on exercise as we were, for the music +got faster and faster as the evening went on, and it was impossible to +keep time, but that did not matter. In our battels at the end of the +week we were all charged half-a-crown for refreshing the band, so that +they could not have gone away hungry--or thirsty. + +An outburst of this kind is something more than a custom honoured by +time, for it clears the air and you can settle down afterwards quite +easily. I had smuggled myself into the festivities which other +colleges had given, but I had never enjoyed myself half as much as I +did at our own. We had done something at last which was worth a +bonfire, and a bonfire with no one to dance round it has never yet been +lighted in an Oxford quad. + +The Bradder thought that our supper had gone off very well, although he +had seen one of his fellow-dons treated too affectionately, and had +rescued him. But he knew such things did not really mean anything, for +you can't expect men who have just come out of strict training to +behave quite like ordinary mortals. + +I wanted to fish during the Easter vac, but my vacs were beginning to +get out of hand, for make what plans I would--and I made very pleasant +ones--somebody was always at work to upset them. I meant to take Fred +home with me and play cricket in a net if the weather was warm, and +fish a little stream near us, but the Bishop had found something else +for me to do, and my schemes came to nothing. At the end of the term I +only went home for two days, and then had to start off on a tutorship. +It is no use pretending that I went without vigorous protests. I said +that I had never tutored anybody in my life, and was met by the answer +that everything had to have a beginning, which is such an appalling +truism that it ought never to be uttered. I then stated that I was +sorry for the boy who had me as a tutor, though I meant, of course, +that I was sorry for myself, and my mother replied that she should miss +me very much, but that she had talked the whole thing over with my +father, and they both thought the experience would be good for me. +What could I say to that? Besides, it was too late to back out. The +people, I was told, were charming, and I was to take charge of a boy +aged twelve, who was home from school because he had been having +measles. The boy was also charming, everybody and everything seemed to +be exactly right; but I thought I saw the Bishop peeping through all +these descriptions, and charming is a word which has no great +attractions for me, it is so comprehensive and can mean such a +multitude of things. + +But as I had to go I went cheerfully, and I should not think that any +one ever started on a tutorship knowing less than I did about the +people to whom I was going. My whole stock of knowledge consisted of +their name, which was Leigh-Tompkinson, of the place where they lived, +and of the fact that the boy had been ill. I had, however, no doubt +that I should be able to get on with them if they could only put up +with me; they were, I was assured, friends of the Bishop, and I did not +think that he would urge me to go to any people whom I should not like. + +When I arrived at the house I was shown into a drawing-room in which +there were at least eight ladies and not a single man. My reception +was almost effusive. Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson insisted that I was cold, +tired, and dying of hunger, but I had only travelled forty miles, and +the day was warm. I wanted nothing except a sight of Mr. +Leigh-Tompkinson, and I had an awful feeling that there was not such a +man. It struck me suddenly that no one had ever spoken of him to me, +and my courage decreased. + +"You would like to see Dick," one lady said to me, and everybody asked +where he was, and nobody knew or seemed to care very much. The desire +for him passed off as quickly as it had come, and in half-an-hour I was +playing a four-handed game at billiards with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson as a +partner, and two ladies as our opponents. My partner played better +than I did, and we won; we then played two other ladies, and in the +middle of the second game Dick came into the room. One glance at him +told me that he was all right, and I should have been very glad to go +away with him. He remarked to me at once that I was "at it" already, +which told me a good deal. No one took any notice of him except to +tell him not to fidget, and as he was not fidgeting I thought he was +very amiable to receive such unnecessary orders in silence. Before +dinner I was able to have a few minutes alone with him, and my fears +about Mr. Leigh-Tompkinson were realized--he was dead. We also made +some plans for the next day, which were never carried out. In fact, +try as I would for many days, and I adopted many artifices, I could +hardly ever spend more than an odd half-hour with him, there was always +something which his mother thought much more important for me to do. +The house was full of people, most of whom were ladies, though none of +them were what I called young; but there were two men there all the +time, who were the mildest beings I have ever met. I don't think +either of them liked me, and I am sure I did not like them; their +wildest amusement was a little, a very little golf, and their chief +employment was to make themselves generally useful. Everybody, with +the exception of Dick and me, seemed to be trying to be young again, it +was a most melancholy spectacle. For some time I could not understand +how Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson could be a friend of my uncle's, but at last +a Miss Bentham, who was always ready to talk, told me that the +house-party were having their holidays before they went back to London +for the season. + +"In London my cousin has so much to do," she continued. "Of course the +season is always fatiguing, but Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson makes it more so +by her devotion to good works." + +I nearly laughed aloud, and thought of saying that if she would be a +little more devoted to her son she would not be wasting her time, but I +suppressed myself and asked to hear more about the good works. + +"She gives so much away, but then she's so rich," Miss Bentham said. +"She's devoted to your uncle, but then he's so handsome. Don't you +think so?" + +"He's fifty," I replied, without remembering to whom I was talking. + +"A woman is as old as she looks and a man as he feels," she said, and +looked at me. + +I knew that I was expected to say that the Bishop must be about thirty, +and that she could be scarcely twenty-five, but I really could not do +it. The whole place made me feel absolutely unwell. + +"My uncle works hard and often feels tired," I remarked after a moment. + +"You mustn't think we always enjoy ourselves like this. Here we are +quite children again, so very refreshing," but her interest in me had +gone. I had been given my opportunity and had not taken it. I should +have liked very much to see an interview between Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson +in her "good works" mood and my uncle; it would have been a delightful +entertainment. But I am sure that he had never seen her when she was +taking her holidays, or I should have been left to play cricket and +fish with Fred. + +In spite, however, of the facts that I was always trying to fulfil the +duties which were supposed to account for my presence, and that I liked +Dick far better than any one else in the house, I was for some time +most popular with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson. I was new, I suppose, for +what other reason there could have been for my popularity I cannot +imagine; but at any rate the reason is not worth guessing, for in a +brief ten minutes I managed to fall completely out of favour. + +The way in which this happened was rather absurd, but it showed clearly +enough what an odd kind of woman Dick had for a mother. As a rule I +had to play billiards after dinner, but one evening there was somebody +staying in the house who persuaded Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson to play round +games, and when I went into the drawing-room I discovered that +preparations had been made for this form of dissipation. Dick had been +allowed to come down to take part in them, and was walking round asking +everybody to begin at once; but my experience of round games is that +people are generally far more anxious to stop than to begin them. Each +person wanted to play a different game, for by this means I fervently +believe that they imagined they would get out of playing any at all. I +sat down while I had the chance, feeling sure that in a few minutes I +should be asked to go outside the door and stay there. I thought that +I knew every game of the kind, and when Dick had at last got a few +people to look like beginning, I was asked if I knew "it." I had no +idea that "it" meant anything out of the ordinary, and I said +unblushingly that I did, whereupon Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson asked me to +take the chair on her right hand. One of the mild men had already +taken up his position on this seat, and to my sorrow he was told to +move, though I had no idea that my position was in a peculiar way the +place of honour. A lady, who proclaimed many times that she had never +done such a thing in her life, stood in the middle of the circle and +asked questions, and from the confusing answers she received I +discovered promptly that I did not know what game we were playing. At +last she came to me and said, "Is it beautiful?" so as we were only +allowed to say "Yes" or "No," and the last answer had been "Yes," I +said "No." I shall never forget the gasp which followed. Dick, I am +ashamed to say, gave way to merriment, but the rest of the people +looked at me as if I had committed a crime. It was not hard for me to +guess that I ought to have said "Yes"; the agitation had even spread to +Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson. The second question asked me was, "Is it old?" +and this time I said "Yes," with some fervour; but my answer again +caused consternation. Some one indeed declared that it was too hot for +games, and in a minute the circle was broken up. Then Dick told me +that "it" was always the left-hand neighbour of the person who was +asked the question, and I saw that my answers, if true, had also been +unfortunate. + +Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson went into the billiard-room at once, and I am +afraid that even an immediate explanation and apology would not have +been considered compensation enough for making her ridiculous. During +the next two days Dick and I were left very much to ourselves, and then +I asked Miss Bentham, who was, I think, secretly pleased at my answers, +to suggest that I should take him to the sea for the rest of his +holidays. This request was made in the morning, and we started during +the afternoon of the same day, for I had sinned past forgiveness. But +unless I had played this game of "It" I should never have had time to +make friends with Dick, and he wanted a friend rather badly. He was +lonely among a crowd of people, all of whom were ready to give him +anything he asked for, except companionship. I started by being sorry +for him, and ended by liking him very much; he only wanted some one to +take an interest in him, and that I was able to do quite easily. After +my tutorship was over Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson wrote to me and hoped that +I should often be able to take him away with me, but she expressed no +wish for me to stay with her again. + +At the beginning of my third summer term I was able to pay Fred the +money he had lent me. He protested, but I insisted, for he was Captain +of the 'Varsity XI., and was also so popular that during the next few +weeks he was bound to have plenty of opportunities for thinking of +anything but economy. Besides, this money had been at times a load on +my conscience. Economy, either practical or political, has never been +a strong point of mine, but I often regretted that I had during my +first two years bought a number of things which were more or less +useless, because I was not compelled to pay for them at the moment. My +difficulties were not overwhelming but they were a nuisance, until the +Bishop, who knew both Oxford and me by heart, solved them by giving me +a birthday present. Every one, however, has not got a convenient +uncle, and without his present I should, owing to the recklessness of +my first two years, have been compelled to leave Oxford with bills +unpaid, and the prospect of a stormy interview with my father in front +of me. I was so genuinely fond of Oxford, and there are so many +pleasant things to do there, that I should have been very sorry to +leave it with anything hanging over me. + +Fast bowlers, both good and bad, were scarce during the whole time I +was up, and I was not altogether surprised when Fred chose me to play +in the Seniors' Match. In that game I succeeded in getting a few +wickets, and soon afterwards I got my Harlequin cap, which pleased me +hugely. I am sure that had I not been such an outrageously bad +batsman, Fred would have liked to try me for the 'Varsity, but there +happened to be another man who did not bowl any worse than I did and +who batted much better. So I was left to bowl for the college, and I +was not altogether sorry, for if Fred had yielded to his feelings and +given me a trial a lot of men would have said it was a swindle. There +are a number of people in Oxford who spend their time in looking out +for swindles, and of all things in the world they seem to be the +easiest to find. In Fred's case, however, I should have had a much +better chance of playing if I had not been one of his greatest friends, +for he was the very last man to turn his eleven into a sort of family +party. + +Our eight expected to make seven bumps, and succeeded in making five of +them, with which Jack, who rowed six, pretended to be discontented. +But we celebrated those five bumps all right, and altogether the +college was a splendid place to live in. I stayed in bed much later +than usual on the morning after our second celebration, and I suppose +every one else was sleepy, for I could hear Clarkson calling his boy a +lazy young vagabond, and that always happened when through other +people's laziness the unfortunate boy could not get on with his work. + +"Who is up?" Clarkson shouted. + +"Nobody," the boy answered. + +"Then fetch Mr. Thornton's breakfast," for Thornton had moved into +rooms next to mine at the beginning of the term. + +"Mr. Thornton's in bed." + +Clarkson stamped heavily. "What the deuce does he mean by being in +bed? Go and fetch his breakfast, and don't answer me when I give you +orders." + +The boy hurried down the stairs, and I thought Thornton had acted very +unwisely in changing his rooms, for if Clarkson got hold of a man of +whom he could take charge he was quite certain not to miss his chance. +I knew one or two men who lived in greater fear of him than of any don, +and I determined to advise Thornton not to be bullied. My efforts, +however, were quite useless, for Thornton assured me that he liked our +scout and got a great deal of amusement from him. + +"Clarkson knows exactly what is best for himself and me, and he is +always clean," he said. + +"He treats his boy abominably," I replied. + +"I wonder what you would be like if you were a scout," he said, and as +he obviously thought that I should only be remarkable for my failings, +I gave up trying to talk to him. + +Thornton was a great puzzle to me, for his one desire was to be left to +himself, and apart from speaking at debates and belonging to various +literary societies he never seemed to me to do anything. Murray always +lost his temper with me when I said that Thornton was extraordinarily +odd, and declared that he was one of the cleverest men in the college +and would probably be governing some colony when we had sunk out of +sight. + +In some moods Murray was not a cheerful companion, and I could not help +telling him that to be bullied by your scout is not a good preparation +for governing anything. And as a matter of fact Thornton became +gradually so very eccentric, that even Murray had to admit that if he +was a genius he was one who had lost his way. + +After our eight had been successful Jack Ward was very anxious that +they should go to Henley, but both the Bursar, who had done more to +improve our rowing than anybody, and The Bradder wanted them to wait +for another year. + +"We shall have nearly the same eight next summer, and two or three good +freshers are coming up," The Bradder argued. + +"I shall be in the schools," Jack replied sadly, and though The Bradder +turned away suddenly I saw him smiling, for Jack's essays were some of +the most comical things ever written. + +Anything which resembled style he said was unwholesome, and although +Mr. Grace talked to him like a parent and The Bradder tried persuasion +and abuse, he stuck to his solid way of giving information. But he +confided in me that the reason was that he couldn't write a proper +essay to save his life. + +"All I want," he exclaimed, "is a degree, and that's what these men +don't understand. Besides, I spell badly; it's a disease with me, and +when you have got it, you may be able to think of a word, but you would +be a precious fool to use it when another man has to read what you have +written. So my vocabulary gets limited, and I'm going to stick to +facts, and I shouldn't wonder if the examiners don't like them. They +so seldom get them." + +I don't think he understood what a very great deal some of the history +men manage to know, but, at any rate, his way of tackling the examiners +was novel, and considering the disease from which he was suffering, +perhaps it was also the best he could choose. So he went on learning +things by heart, and put up long lists of things on his looking-glass, +or any place where he was likely to see them. I saw the extraordinary +word "Brom" pinned on to a photograph of Collier, and found out that it +stood for Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde and Malplaquet. + +"I can't help thinking that Marlborough finished off with Blenheim, +because it is the sort of battle any one who is not even reading +history has heard of," he explained, "and I have to get that idea out +of my head. You will find all sorts of funny words stuck about the +place. I've got 'Kajakk' pinned on to a lobelia in my flower-box, +because I am always leaving out Anne of Cleves; she never seemed to +have a chance, and you must have the man's wives all right." + +"Do you think they matter much?" I asked. + +"Of course they do. They are guide-posts to the reign, but they would +do much better if half of them were not Katharines." + +I suggested that he should call one of them Kate and another Kathleen +to avoid confusion, but he said that "Kajakk" would pull him through +all right, and that if there was any question about Henry VIII. he did +not mean to miss is. I am certain that had he been given an +opportunity, the examiners would have had a correct list of these +ladies, with a brief note attached to explain why there were so many of +them. + +Soon after the Eights were over, I heard that The Bradder had invited +my people to come up at the end of the term, and as I had never stayed +up for "Commem," I wrote back cheerfully, and said we would enjoy +ourselves. This letter, however, was answered by my father at once, +and my plans were again thrown into confusion. "I want you to leave +for Germany when term is over. To get even a smattering of the +language you must be there nearly three months, and, unless you go +immediately, you will miss all the shooting. I want you to know three +modern languages well enough to get into the Foreign Office without any +difficulty." This was the beginning of the longest letter I had ever +had from him, and in many ways the nicest, but I cannot say that I +wanted to spend my summer with a German family, and after consulting +Fred, I went to The Bradder to see if he would not help me to stay in +England. + +"I can't read history and learn German at the same time," I said to +him, "and all my work will be wasted unless I do some this vac." + +"Your father has evidently made up his mind," he said, but I think that +he must have been sorry for me. + +"You write and tell him that I shall forget all I have been doing. He +will listen to you." + +"German is very valuable to you." + +"So is history. How can I be expected to work next year when I am +packed off every summer to live with a lot of people who don't want me? +I get no fun." + +"You will like it when you get there, and for this summer you can +manage to do enough history to keep up what you know. I will help you +as much as I can." + +"Why can't I be allowed for once to like a thing in the place where I +want to like it?" I asked, and I nearly told him that environment was +everything, but he did not like those profound statements any better +than I did. I only saw The Bradder really nasty to one man, and he had +been fool enough to say that the reason why he cut his lectures was +because the whole atmosphere of Oxford was against work, which really +was a sickening sort of excuse. + +My attempts to get help from The Bradder failed, and as soon as I had +worked myself up into a rage he began to laugh. + +So after one night at home I started to Germany and my people went to +Oxford for "Commem" on the same day, which was a most topsy-turvy state +of things. Nina promised to write to me, but I did not expect anything +from her except postcards. I was, however, mistaken, for she wrote me +a kind of "Oxford day by day," which I, struggling with a strange +language in a strange land, was very glad to have. I don't know +whether The Bradder taught her to refer to the Vice-Chancellor as the +"Vice-Chuggins," but in her description of the Encaenia that most +important gentleman was certainly not mentioned with the respect which +I consider that people, who don't belong to Oxford, ought to feel for +him. In fact Nina succeeded in catching the Oxford language so badly +that she told me that my father had been having "indijuggers," and I am +sure that he would have had a worse attack if he had known what Nina +called it. I am sorry to say that she treated the Encaenia in a very +light and airy way, though some most mightily distinguished men were +receiving honorary degrees at the function. + +"I like the Sheldonian because it is so round," she wrote to me, "but I +was not impressed by the Encaenia. The area of the theatre was reserved +for the dons, who wore what I believe you call academic dress, but they +did not look as if they had room enough to be comfortable. I sat in a +gallery with a lot of people, and there was a man, who somebody told me +was a Pro-proctor--at any rate he wore robes and looked, I thought, +rather nice--to keep order. You do mix up things queerly at Oxford; +some of the jokes which were made were really not very funny, and +mother was afraid that some one might be offended. She was quite +nervous. I liked the Public Orator, who seemed to me to be introducing +the people who were to receive honorary degrees to the Vice-Chuggins, +and I was sorry for the University prizemen, who wore evening dress and +had to read out their prize poems and things. I couldn't hear a word +the Public Orator said, but perhaps that was because I had a man near +me who made jokes all the time and a bevy of relatives kept up a chorus +of giggles. Mr. Bradfield had to go to luncheon afterwards at All +Souls. I met Mr. Ward in the Turl yesterday; he was only up for two or +three hours, and I thought he said he was going to coach. I am sure he +said something about coaching, and as I remembered how fond he was of +horses I thought he was going for a driving tour. But it turned out +that he was going to read with somebody; very silly of me. Do you +remember when he jumped into the 'Cher'? It seems ages ago. Mr. +Bradfield punts splendidly, we all like him very much, and father has +dined with the Warden, who had toothache and hardly spoke all the +evening. Most unfortunate. We are going to the 'Varsity match, and +Mr. Bradfield says that Fred is the best bat and captain you have had +for ages. I believe mother nearly fainted with delight when she heard +this. Mr. Bradfield dances as well as you do." + +The next letter Nina wrote was full of The Bradder's perfections, but +in the following one he was scarcely mentioned, and my mother, who had +never seen Oxford in June, was so delighted with everything that she +did not tell me much about anybody. Still I could not help wondering +what had happened, for Nina was not usually reticent without a reason. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +OUR LAST YEAR + +Fred did not have the satisfaction of seeing his eleven beat Cambridge, +but there had not been such a close finish in a 'Varsity match for +nearly twenty years, and Nina said the excitement was really painful. +"I was quite glad when it was over," she wrote to me. "Mother never +spoke for quite half-an-hour, and Mr. Bradfield nearly ruined his hat +by constantly taking it off and putting it on again. I warned him that +he was spoiling it, but he said that such a finish was worth a hat. +And we lost in the end; a big Cambridge man hit a four and father said +awful things at the top of his voice. Somehow or other that seemed to +relieve everybody. There was only one other Cambridge man to come in, +and if the big man had been bowled instead of hitting a four it would +have been splendid. We waited for Fred afterwards and saw him for a +minute. He said that the big man had been the best cricketer at +Cambridge for four years, and now that he was going down Oxford ought +really to win next year. Fred was very disappointed, but he told us +that this man was a thoroughly good sort, which annoyed me because I +felt as if he must be perfectly horrid." + +If my people could be excited at a cricket match I knew that I had +missed something worth seeing, but when I tried to talk about the +'Varsity match to the only member of my German family who spoke +English, she thought I was explaining lawn tennis to her. I felt very +sad indeed, and had to go for a long bicycle ride to shake off a +vigorous attack of the blues. + +I suppose those months in Germany must have been useful to me, yet in +spite of a great amount of kindness I was very glad when they were +over. I learned a great deal, I honestly believe, for I often went to +a restaurant and talked politics with three professors, and that is no +mean feat even if you do it in your own language. For some reason +which I have never been able to understand, these men were very pleased +with me; possibly they liked me because I never agreed with anything +they said. I asked them to come and see us if they were ever in +England, an invitation given out of joy in wishing them good-bye. The +prospect of leaving the German language made me very liberal in the way +of invitations to those who spoke it, and if all the people whom I +asked had happened to come at the same time, they would have caused a +considerable sensation in our small household. There were, however, +dangers in plunging me into foreign families which my father did not +discover; for I like everybody so much, when I am leaving them, that I +feel certain that they are the nicest people in the world. I had not +been at home for a day before I found out that something very like a +mystery had attached itself to The Bradder, so I went to my mother and +asked her what had happened. + +"I meant to tell you," she answered. "My dear, he wants to marry Nina, +we were quite astonished." I did not think Nina would have cared to +hear that. "He was here for a fortnight, but we never suspected +anything, Nina is so very young. It only happened a week ago." + +"Are they engaged?" + +"No, we thought it best that there should be no engagement for at least +a year. I hope we decided right, for I must have time to think about +Nina being the wife of a don. I think they are very much in love with +one another." + +"Nina is not so very young." + +"Very young to be the wife of a don," my mother replied, and I believe +that she thought such a lady, to be suitable, ought to have numbered at +least forty years. + +"The Bradder would have to go out of college if he married," I said; +"we shan't get such another man in a hurry," but my mother did not +think this as important as I did. + +When I talked to Nina about this new state of things she was very +disappointed to find that I was not surprised. She seemed to think +that I was depriving her of something due to her, but her letters had +made me think that something startling was going to happen, and I was +prepared for almost anything. + +"Our engagement is not to be announced for a year," Nina said. + +"I thought there wasn't any engagement," I answered. + +"There isn't, until it is announced, but we have quite made up our +minds," and then she took my arm and I listened to a glorification of +The Bradder. "He is very fond of you," it finished up, and that is all +I can remember of it. + +"I am glad of that, as he is my tutor and is going to be my +brother-in-law," I said. + +"You don't seem to see how happy I am," Nina answered. "I wanted to +telegraph to you at once." + +"I am most tremendously glad you are happy. The Bradder's a splendid +man," I said, and added, "I should like to tell Fred directly he comes +next week." + +"Yes, tell him," she replied, "but he won't mind; perhaps I oughtn't to +say that, but I know that you think he will. Fred's a dear, he's just +like another brother." + +"For pity's sake don't say that to him," I exclaimed. + +"Of course I shan't say anything to him, but he will understand all +right," and I gathered that if he could not understand it was my duty +to make him, which, considering how peculiarly he had behaved to Jack, +I did not expect to be an easy matter. But there was a difference +between Fred and Nina, for he seemed to fall out of love as he grew +older, while she fell in. I don't know enough about such things to say +whether he was ever actually in the state called "in love," but I do +know that he was inclined to regard Nina with a jealous eye, and that I +suffered many unpleasant moments in consequence. So I drove down to +the station to meet him and intended to break the news to him gently, +but we had such a lot of other things to talk about that I had not +mentioned Nina, except to say that she was well, when we met her in the +drive. Fred got out of the dog-cart to speak to her, and I, having +totally neglected my mission, was wise enough to disappear for an hour. + +In that time he must have found out what had happened, for when we were +left alone in the smoking-room after dinner and I was wondering whether +I had better begin the gentle process, which I was sure I should muddle +hopelessly, he said, "It will take me some time to get used to the idea +of Nina marrying a don." + +"I meant to tell you as we drove down, but I forgot clean all about +it," I answered. + +"Bradfield's a good sort, isn't he? It would be a most vile shame if +he isn't." + +"He's a splendid chap." + +"I saw him with Nina at Lord's, and I got a kind of idea into my head +then. He looks all right anyhow." + +"He is all right." + +Fred sat and smoked for ages without saying a word, which made me +uneasy. + +"Don't you feel horribly old?" he said to me at last. "This is a kind +of end to all the good time we have had here. I mean that everything +will be different; I can't imagine Nina being married." + +"She won't be for ages, and when she is it will be just the same," I +answered. "The Bradder's the best sort in the world, except you. +Let's go to bed, we have to shoot to-morrow." + +I stayed in Fred's room, however, for a long time, and I expect some of +the things we said would have amused those who can jump without regret +from one state of things to another. But all the same this talk did us +good, for we finished off the subject of Nina's engagement at one +sitting, and Fred pleased me by saying that he must have been a fool to +hate Jack Ward so violently. That told me all I wanted to know, and +though he was not in very good spirits for a day or two he soon +recovered, and I believe that Nina and he enjoyed themselves more than +they ever had since they began to wonder whether they were grown up or +not. + +Before going back to Oxford Fred and I went to stay with Mr. Sandyman, +our old house-master at Cliborough. I had been to Cliborough several +times since I left school, but my first visits made me feel almost sad. +The glory of being a blue, and I could not help feeling it, was not +enough compensation for the way in which I seemed to have entirely +dropped out of things. I loved Cliborough, and when you are fond of +places or people it is horrid to see that they can get on quite well +without you. You may not be forgotten, but you must necessarily cease +to count for much, and it was not until I went back after having left +for three years that I was quite happy there. Our feelings--for Fred +felt as I did--may have been wrong, but no one would have them who was +not fond of their school and who did not in some way or other wish to +be worthy of it. Sandy was as nice to us as possible, and it was quite +funny to see what a hero Fred was thought to be by some of the fellows +in our house. I think I was regarded as a hero more or less decayed, +but Fred nearly reinstated me by saying that I was the fastest bowler +he had ever played against, and by forgetting to add further details. + +We went back to Oxford from Cliborough, and during my last year I saw +more of Fred than ever, for in nearly every college men in their fourth +year have to go into lodgings, and Jack and I took rooms in the same +house in the High as Fred and Henderson. Fred was President of +Vincent's, Henderson was to be captain of the 'Varsity XI., and Jack +was immediately put into one of the trial Eights and finally, rowed six +in the winning boat. The shadow of approaching examinations was over +all of us except Henderson, who was not reading for Honours, and had +nothing but two papers on political economy between him and a degree. +But I should not think any four men ever got on together better than we +did, and the mere sight of Jack was enough to make any one feel +cheerful. He had fairly and squarely found himself at last, and +whether he was sitting in front of piles of books or getting up and +going to bed at strange times because he was in training, he was an +endless delight to all of us. His methods of reading history made Fred +laugh so much that I thought he might possibly abandon them, but +nothing would persuade him that his road to a degree was not the safest +he could take. On one subject Jack only opened his heart to me. He +had set his mind on getting into the 'Varsity Eight, and his keenness +was terrific. I assured him time after time that he must have a +splendid chance of his blue, but I don't believe that the mere fact of +getting his blue meant very much to him. He wanted to show his people +and his college that he could really do something. + +"If I could only get into the 'Varsity boat I should have done +something," he said to me, "because I'm not a natural oar. I have to +learn it all, and it's frightfully hard work remembering all you're +told. Some of you men think a fellow who rows is just a machine, but +it's not so easy to become a good machine." + +To Fred and Henderson he hardly ever mentioned the river, but they knew +how desperately keen he was, and when he was tried in the 'Varsity boat +at four, during the beginning of the Lent Term, we all hoped most +vigorously that he would keep his place. For nearly a fortnight the +same crew rowed every day, but neither the President nor the Secretary +had yet taken their places, and I was in a state of terror that Jack +would have to go when they went into the boat. The Secretary, however, +took his place and Jack remained where he was, and a few days +afterwards the President went in at seven, seven went to three, and one +unfortunate man disappeared. Then we openly rejoiced, and at the +beginning of Lent Jack was told to go into training. We had a mild +celebration on the evening of Shrove Tuesday, and Bunny Langham, who +had been President of the Union and had developed a habit of making +very long speeches, for which he apologized by saying that he believed +in heredity, came round and helped to make a noise. Whenever he got +the ghost of an opportunity he began to congratulate Jack, and he +required a very great deal of suppressing. + +For a whole week Jack rowed in the boat, and then he had a sudden +attack of influenza. Somehow or other I had never thought it possible +that he could be ill, and I have never seen any one hurry up so much to +get well again. In ten days he was nearly all right, but when he was +put back into the boat he said he felt miserably weak, and I think he +went to work to prepare himself for a disappointment. At any rate when +it came Jack took his luck like a hero, for hardly anything more +crushing could have happened to him just then. I must say that the +President was as kind about it as any man could be; he knew what it +meant to Jack, and his sympathy was very real. But Jack himself +surprised all of us, he seemed to throw the whole thing behind him, and +I never heard him complain of anything except his wretched illness. + +"I shall be fit next term," he said, "and if we get our boat near the +head of the river again it won't be so bad after all." + +My last year in rooms with Fred, Jack and Henderson was the best of +four good years at Oxford. Everything, except Jack's luck, was so +exactly right, and I was most delightfully happy. The college was +doing as well as we could want, and most of the dons, led I am certain +by The Bradder, behaved splendidly. The Freshers' Wine became an +organized institution and ceased to be a sort of "hole and corner" +entertainment, at which every one made a most horrible noise because +they ought not to have made any at all. In my spare time, and I had +not much, I caught myself regretting that I had ever been stupid enough +to carry on long battles with Mr. Edwardes, it seemed to me that I +might have been more peaceful, but the fact remains that he and I were +not made for each other. + +Until the time began to grow near for me to go down from Oxford I never +felt as strong an affection for the 'Varsity as I had for Cliborough. +I think the reason was that Oxford is such a huge place, that it took +me some time to realize how splendid it is. I missed the feeling of +unity which there was at Cliborough, and I supplied my loss by going +furiously to work in trying to make the college less slack. Certainly +St. Cuthbert's, owing more to Jack's efforts than mine, had changed +very much, but in setting our minds absolutely on one thing for two +years we had missed a lot, even if we had been successful in what we +wanted to do. Our last year, however, made up for everything, and when +we came back for the summer term examinations had lost their horrors, +and the only thing I regretted was that in eight short weeks my time at +Oxford would be over. + +The Bradder, who watched over me like a prospective brother-in-law, +encouraged me to think that I should not do very badly in the +"schools," but I think he was rather agitated when Henderson chose me +to play for the 'Varsity against the Gentlemen of England, and in a +very bad light I got more wickets than I ever expected to get in a +first-class match. That performance gave me a good start in the +'Varsity XI., and The Bradder was desperately afraid that I should stop +reading altogether. But Fred and Jack were both hard at work, and +except on one evening a week Henderson had to go into a separate room +when he wanted to entertain his numerous friends. Jack rowed in our +Eight, and they went up to fourth. They would have been second if they +had been lucky, but as it was they intended to go to Henley. + +I think that I was fortunate in having to struggle for my blue during +my last term, for this gave me so much to think about that I escaped +some of the feelings which Fred had about leaving Oxford. I felt that +I was by no means ready to go, but I was also desperately eager to get +into the XI., and that I knew would not be decided until the term was +over. One leaves Oxford slowly, if I may express it so; you have to +come back for a _viva voce_, and then for your degree; there is no +abrupt break as there is at school, and the fact that I was playing for +the 'Varsity after the term was over, helped me more than it did Fred, +who had played in the XI. for three years. Nearly every Sunday +afternoon during May and June, Fred and I quite solemnly went out for a +walk together, and we nearly always found ourselves by the river. I +believe this was because we were never tired of looking at Corpus and +Merton from the Christchurch meadows. There is no view so keenly +rooted in my memory as this, nor one which I am so glad to look upon +again. I don't care in the least whether it is the most beautiful in +Oxford or not, for it means something to me, and you can ask no more +from a view than that. I can never look at it without remembering many +things which were all of them very pleasant, and Oxford is the place to +build up memories. + +The term slipped by far too fast, and we found ourselves plunged into +the schools. For once in my life I should have been glad not to see +the sun, but the week during which we had to put on paper the results +of over two years' work was most cruelly hot, and all of us were glad +when it was over. It is no use guessing how you have done in honour +schools, for those who think they have got a first are too often +surprised when the lists come out, and unless you are going to guess +something nice, it is much better to leave it alone altogether. With +one consent Fred, Jack and I refused to talk about our chances, and set +out to enjoy the few days which remained to us without being harrowed +by doubts and fears. I did, however, have secret dips into a political +economy book, for I thought if the examiners shared my opinion they +would wonder how little of this subject I knew. I couldn't keep away +from the wretched thing, try as I would, and was always reading "Adam +Smith" and "Walker" at odd moments. I think my nerves must have been +upset. + +Directly after the schools were over, Jack and I had to go to a dinner +which Murray got up. I was ready to go to anything, but I had no idea +that this was a sort of entertainment organized in honour of us until I +got to it. The Bradder took the chair, and I am sure that I tried to +feel grateful to Murray, but if you don't care much about being set on +a small pedestal it is very hard to pretend that you do. I did, +however, enjoy that dinner because every one was so very cheerful, and +I made a speech which lasted--counting the applause--nearly ten +minutes. The Bradder spoke more about Jack than me, which was very +thoughtful of him, and Jack told me afterwards that this evening almost +made up for having missed his blue. The things which were said about +him took him most completely by surprise, and the fact that he was +really appreciated and that the college owed something to him, sent him +off to Henley a happier man than he had ever been in his life. + +My place in the eleven was in doubt until the last game before the +'Varsity match, and then I bowled one of the best batsmen in England--I +must add off his pads--and got three men caught in the slips. +Henderson gave me my blue in the pavilion at Lord's and simply banged +me on the back as he did it, a very unorthodox and pleasant ending to +what had been a great anxiety. Fred, too, was most uproariously +delighted, and I should think that some of the people, who seem to +think that the pavilion at Lord's is a kind of cathedral, must have +decided that the Oxford XI. had suddenly gone mad. But I disentangled +myself after a time from men who wanted to congratulate me, and started +sending telegrams. I was guilty at that moment of trying to think of +people to whom I could telegraph with decency, but I had wanted to play +against Cambridge very much. We had been beaten in all the last three +matches, and as Fred had never really played well at Lord's, I think +some men were inclined to say that he was not anything like as good a +cricketer as he was supposed to be. But in this match he settled that +question once and for ever. We went in first and started terribly, +Henderson was caught at the wicket, and another man was bowled before +we had made a run. I could not have smiled at the best joke in the +world. Then Fred and a left-hander got well set, and before we had +finished our total was over 350. Fred never gave a chance until he had +made well over a hundred, and though some men told me that he was out +l.b.w. at least four times, there are always plenty of people who think +that they know more than the umpires. + +The Cambridge men failed in the first innings, and I only bowled six +overs, which annoyed my mother and Nina, because they said that I was +there to bowl. But after Cambridge went in again they played an uphill +game most splendidly, and my people had plenty of opportunity to see me +bowl. I got four men out, and Henderson was very pleased with me, but +I was not a first-class bowler, though I tried hard to look like one. +We had nearly two hundred runs to win, and I confess that I was afraid +that I might have to go in when there were two or three runs still +wanted. In the first innings my efforts as a batsman had been brief +and glorious, I had received three balls, two of which I had hit to the +boundary and the third I meant to go to the same place, only somebody +caught it. I hoped sincerely that my part in the 'Varsity match was +over, but whenever a wicket fell I had a very bad moment. I did not, +however, have to make that long journey from the pavilion to the +wickets again, for Henderson, who kept himself back in the second +innings, played beautifully, and we won with some wickets in hand. I +don't want to forget the wholesome thrill which I had when Henderson +made the winning stroke, and I am quite certain that I never shall +forget it. + +My father and mother, too, were pleased, and I was very glad to see +their delight, for I thought that I might have added more to their +anxiety than to their pleasure during the last four years. + +In July both Fred and Jack came to stay with me, because in a few weeks +I had to start on one of my journeys in search of a language which I +did not know. I wanted Jack to be with us when the History List came +out, in case anything disastrous should happen. But Jack had filled +himself so full of facts that when the telegram from the Clerk of the +Schools came he was delighted to find that he had got a third, and he +declared that I must be a genius to have got a second, but that was +only his way of expressing his surprise. The Greats' List was a +triumph for St. Cuthbert's, Murray and five other men getting firsts. +Fred got a second, and considering that he had been playing footer and +cricket for the 'Varsity so much, everybody thought that he had done +most thoroughly well. Cliborough was so satisfied with him that he was +offered a mastership at once, which was a stroke of luck both for Fred +and the school. + +Nothing remained for us to do except to take our degrees, and we +arranged with Henderson that we should go back together once more and +take them at the same time. I think that we clung to that expedition +as our last remaining link with the 'Varsity. But there is a link, +which those who learn to love Oxford, as Fred, Jack and I loved her, +cannot break; it is the debt which we owe to her, for we shall never be +able to repay it in full. + + + + +THE END + + + + + + RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, + BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND + BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. + + + + + + +By the same author + +GODFREY MARTEN: SCHOOLBOY + +WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY GORDON BROWNE + +_In one vol., cloth, gilt edges, price 5s._ + + +Some Press Opinions + +The Spectator:--"The book is extremely good reading from end to end; it +abounds in entertaining and exciting episodes, is wholly void of +sentimentality, and enforces in the most unmistakable and wholesome way +the duty of straight and manly conduct." + +The Standard:--"Boys will be delighted with this faithful record of +public school life. It shows up without the smallest priggishness, or +the least hint of lecturing or sermonising, that side of the English +public school of which we are so proud--the fine, broad standard of a +gentleman that the well-bred boy sets up for himself." + +The Daily Telegraph:--"_Godfrey Marten, Schoolboy_, may rank with the +very small number of books which treat successfully of boy-life.... It +is a bright, stirring story, and should find a hearty welcome." + +Morning Post:--"_Godfrey Marten_ will rejoice the heart of many a lad. +Mr. Turley knows boys and writes lovingly of them. His story is +vivacious, the heroes are real live ones, the style is racy and true to +reality in its descriptions of masters, boys and sports, and even in +its use of school slang, the book throughout is clean, wholesome and +manly." + +The Times:--"Returning to Mr. Turley's book after a year's interval we +are more than ever taken by its quiet, unassuming merits and a certain +insidious charm. Thinking over other school books we can recall +nothing nearer to boy nature than this, nor any that has greater +interest as a story." + +The Guardian:--"The book is a wholesome one; the boys are gentlemen, +the games are described with spirit, and some of the difficulties of +public school life are treated in a healthy and helpful way. Moreover +it is written for boys rather than about them, and the author succeeds +in looking at things from a boy's point of view." + + + +LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford Street, W.C. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Godfrey Marten, Undergraduate, by Charles Turley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GODFREY MARTEN, UNDERGRADUATE *** + +***** This file should be named 28567.txt or 28567.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/5/6/28567/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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