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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 8, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 8, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: June 24, 2009 [EBook #29217]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 8, 1914 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 147
+
+  July 8, 1914
+
+  CHARIVARIA.
+
+LORD BRASSEY is said to be annoyed at the way in which his recent
+adventure at Kiel was exaggerated. He landed, it seems, on the mole of
+the Kaiser Dockyard, not noticing a warning to trespassers--and certain
+of our newspapers proceeded at once to make a mountain out of the mole.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ROOSEVELT'S American physician, Dr. ALEXANDER LAMBERT, has confirmed
+the advice of his European physicians that the EX-PRESIDENT must have
+four months' rest and must keep out of politics absolutely for that
+period; and it is said that President WILSON is also of the opinion that
+the distinguished invalid owes it to his country to keep quiet for a
+time.
+
+       * * *
+
+At the farewell banquet to Lord GLADSTONE members of the Labour Unions
+surrounded the hotel and booed loudly with a view to making the speeches
+inaudible. As the first serious attempt to protect diners from an orgy
+of oratory this incident deserves recording.
+
+       * * *
+
+There appear to have been some amusing misfits in the distribution of
+prizes at the recent Midnight Ball. For example a young lady of
+pronounced sobriety, according to _The Daily Chronicle_, secured a case
+of whisky and went about asking if she could get it changed for perfume.
+Whisky is, of course, essentially a man's perfume.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are One Woman Shows as well as One Man Shows in these days. An
+invitation to be present at a certain function in connection with a
+certain charitable institution announces:--
+
+"ATHLETIC SPORTS AND DISTRIBUTION OF PRIZES by LADY ---- ----."
+
+       * * *
+
+Some surprise is being expressed in non-legal circles that the actress
+who lost the case which she brought against SANDOW, LIMITED, for
+depicting her as wearing one of their corsets, did not apply for stays
+of execution.
+
+       * * *
+
+Quite a number of our picture galleries are now closed, and it has been
+suggested that, with the idea of reconciling the public to this state of
+affairs, there shall be displayed conspicuously at the entrance to the
+buildings the reminder, "_Ars est celare artem_."
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Gentlewoman_, by the way, which is publishing a series of articles
+entitled "Woman's Work at the 1914 Academy," omits to show us photos of
+Mr. SARGENT'S and Mr. CLAUSEN'S paintings after certain women had worked
+upon them.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Admiralty dismisses as "a silly rumour" the report that one of our
+new first-class destroyers is to be named _The Suffragette_.
+
+       * * *
+
+In Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS' play, _The Sin of David_, we are to see
+Cavaliers and Roundheads. This will be a welcome change, for in most of
+the theatres nowadays one sees a preponderance of Deadheads.
+
+       * * *
+
+The intrepid photographer again! _The Illustrated London News_
+advertises:--
+
+PHOTOGRAVURE PRESENTATION PLATE OF
+
+GENERAL BOOTH AND
+MRS. BRAMWELL BOOTH
+
+LIONS PHOTOGRAPHED AT 5 YARDS'
+DISTANCE.
+
+       * * *
+
+Once upon a time Red Indians used to kidnap Whites. Last week, Mrs. W.
+BOWMAN CUTTER, a wealthy widow of seventy, living at Boston,
+Massachusetts, eloped with her 21-year-old Red-skin chauffeur.
+
+       * * *
+
+A memorial to a prize-fighter who was beaten by TOM SAYERS was unveiled
+at Nottingham last week. Should this idea of doing honour to defeated
+British heroes spread to those of to-day our sculptors should have a
+busy time.
+
+       * * *
+
+A visitor to Scarborough nearly lost his motor-car in the sands at Filey
+last week: it sank up to the bonnet and was washed by the sea before it
+was hauled to safety by four horses. Neptune is said to have been not a
+little annoyed at the car's escape, as he realises that his old chariot
+drawn by sea-horses is now sadly _demode_.
+
+       * * *
+
+A new organisation, called "The League of Wayfarers," has been formed.
+Its members apparently consist of "child policemen," who undertake to
+protect wild flowers. How it is going to be done we do not quite
+understand. Presumably, small boys will hide behind, say, dandelions,
+and emit a loud roar when anyone tries to pluck the tender plant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA.
+
+_Romantic Tripper._ "TELL ME, HAVE YOU EVER PICKED UP ANY BOTTLES ON THE
+BEACH?"
+
+_Boatman._ "WERRY OFTEN, MISS!"
+
+_Romantic Tripper._ "AND HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING IN THEM?"
+
+_Boatman._ "NOT A BLESSED DROP, MISS!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When _The Yorkshire Post_ and _The Hull Daily Mail_ differ, who shall
+decide between them? _The Hull Daily Mail_ asserts positively that A.
+PAPAZONGLON won the long jump at the Bridlington Grammar School sports
+and that C. PAPAZONGLON was second in the 100 yards and High Jump. Its
+contemporary, however, unhesitatingly awards these positions to C.
+PAPAZONGLOU, C. PAPAZONGA and G. PAPAZAGLOU respectively. But it gives
+the "Victor Ludorum" cup to a new competitor, C. PAPAZOUGLOU, and again
+differs from _The Hull Daily Mail_, which knows for a fact that it was
+won by C. PPAZONGLON. Whom shall we believe?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ASQUITH DENIES MILITANT PLEA.
+
+    Receives Working Women but Won't Introduce Bill."--_New York Evening
+    Sun._
+
+We are left with the uneasy impression that William is a snob.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On a divan the motion for rejection was carried by 178 to
+    136."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Our politicians are right to take it easy this hot weather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PATRIOT UNDER FIRE.
+
+(_Observed during the recent heat wave._)
+
+  Philip, I note with unaffected awe
+    How, with the glass at 90 in the cool,
+  You still obey inflexibly the law
+    That governs manners of the British school;
+  How, in a climate where the sweltering air
+    Seems to be wafted from a kitchen copper,
+  You still refuse to lay aside your wear
+          Of sable (proper).
+
+  The Civil Service which you so adorn
+    Would lose its prestige, visibly grown slack,
+  And all its lofty pledges be forsworn
+    Were you to deviate from your boots of black;
+  Were you to shed that coat of sombre dye,
+    That ebon brain-box (imitation beaver)
+  Whose torrid aspect strikes the passer-by
+          With tertian fever.
+
+  As something far beyond me I respect
+    The virtue, equal to the stiffest crux,
+  Which thus forbids your costume to deflect
+    Into the primrose path of straw and ducks;
+  I praise that fine regard for red-hot tape
+    Which calmly and without an eyelid's flutter
+  Suffers the maddening noon to melt your nape
+          As it were butter.
+
+  "His clothes are not the man," I freely own,
+    Yet often they express the stuff they hide,
+  As yours, I like to fancy, take their tone
+    From stern, ascetic qualities inside;
+  Just as the soldier's heavy marching-gear
+    Conceals a heart of high determination,
+  Too big, in any temperature, to fear
+          Nervous prostration.
+
+  I cite the warrior's case who goes through fire;
+    For you, no less a patriot, face your risk
+  When in your country's service you perspire
+    In blacks that snort at Phoebus' flaming disc;
+  So, till a medal (justly made of jet)
+    Records your grit and pluck for all to know 'em,
+  I on your chest with safety-pins will set
+          This inky poem.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PURPLE LIE."
+
+
+"Arabella," I said, examining the fuzzy part of her which projected
+above the dome of the coffee-pot, "I perceive that you mope. That being
+so, I am glad to be able to tell you that I have been presented with two
+tickets for _The Purple Lie_ to-morrow evening."
+
+"Sorry," she replied, "but it's off."
+
+"Off!" I exclaimed indignantly, "when the box-office is being besieged
+all day by a howling mob, and armoured commissionaires are constantly
+being put into commission to defend it. Off!"
+
+"What I mean to say is," said Arabella, "that we're dining with the
+Messington-Smiths to-morrow evening."
+
+I bowed my head above the marmalade and wept. "Arabella," I groaned,
+looking up at last, "what have we done that these people should continue
+to supply us with food? We do not love them, and they do not love us.
+The woman is a bromide. Her husband is even worse. He is a phenacetin. I
+shall fall asleep in the middle of the asparagus and butter myself
+badly. Think, moreover, of the distance to Morpheus Avenue. Remember
+that I have been palpitating to see _The Purple Lie_ for weeks."
+
+"So have I," said Arabella. "It's sickening, but I am afraid we must
+pass those tickets on."
+
+I happened that day to be lunching with my friend Charles. "The last
+thing in the world I want to do," I said to him, "is to oblige you in
+any way, but I chance to have--ahem!--purchased two stalls for _The
+Purple Lie_ which I cannot make use of. I had forgotten that I am dining
+with some very important and--er--influential people to-morrow night.
+When a man moves as I do amid a constant whirl of gilt-edged
+engagements----"
+
+"Ass!" said Charles, and pocketed the tickets.
+
+On the following morning I perceived a large crinkly frown at the
+opposite end of the breakfast table, and, rightly divining that Arabella
+was behind it, asked her what the trouble was.
+
+"It's the Messington-Smiths," she complained. "They can't have us to
+dinner after all. It seems that Mrs. Messington-Smith has a bad sore
+throat."
+
+"Any throat would be sore," I replied, "that had Mrs. Messington-Smith
+talking through it. I wonder whether Charles is using those tickets."
+
+"You might ring up and see."
+
+To step lightly to the telephone, ask for Charles's number, get the
+wrong one, ask again, find that he had gone to his office, ring him up
+there and get through to him, was the work of scarcely fifteen minutes.
+"Charles," I said, "are you using those two stalls of mine to-day?"
+
+"Awfully sorry," he replied, "but I can't go myself. I gave them away
+yesterday evening."
+
+"Wurzel!" I said. "Who to?"
+
+"To whom," he corrected gently. "To a dull man I met in the City named
+Messington-Smith."
+
+"Named _what_?" I shrieked.
+
+"Messington-Smith. _M_ for Mpret, _E_ for Eiderdown----"
+
+"Where does he live?"
+
+"21, Morpheus Avenue."
+
+For a moment the room seemed to spin round me. I put down the
+transmitter and pressed my hand to my forehead. Then in a shaking voice
+I continued--"Of all the double-barrelled, unmitigated, blue-faced----"
+
+"What number, please?" sang a sweet soprano voice. I rang off, and went
+to break the news to Arabella.
+
+She was silent for a few moments, and then asked me suddenly,
+"Whereabouts in the stalls were those seats of ours?"
+
+"Almost in the middle of the third row," I replied mournfully.
+
+Arabella said no more, but with a rather disdainful smile on her face
+walked firmly to her little escritoire, sat down, wrote a note, and
+addressed it to Mrs. Messington-Smith.
+
+"What have you said?" I asked, as she stamped her letter with a rather
+vicious jab on KING GEORGE'S left eye.
+
+"Just that I am sorry about her old sore throat," she replied. "And then
+I went on, that wasn't it funny by the same post we had been given two
+stalls for _The Purple Lie_ to-night in a very good place in the middle
+of the third row? She will get the letter by lunch-time," she added
+pensively, "and it will be so nice for her to know that we shall be
+sitting almost next to them."
+
+"But we aren't going to _The Purple Lie_ at all," I protested.
+
+"No," she said, "and as a matter of fact I don't suppose the
+Messington-Smiths are either--now."
+
+I left Arabella smiling triumphantly through her tears,
+but when I returned in the evening the breakfast-time frown had
+reappeared with even crinklier ramifications.
+
+"Why," I asked, "are you looking like a tube map?"
+
+"Mrs. Messington-Smith," she answered with a slight catch in her voice,
+"has just been telephoning."
+
+"I thought the receiver looked a bit played out," I said. "What does she
+want with us now?"
+
+"Well, she _has_ got a sore throat after all. You could tell that from
+her voice. And she isn't going to _The Purple Lie_ either. She never
+even meant to."
+
+"But the tickets," I gasped.
+
+"She and her husband quite forgot about them till to-day," said
+Arabella. "And now they have given them away to some friends. But they
+weren't given away at all till this afternoon, and----"
+
+She broke off and gave a lachrymose little sniff.
+
+"And what?"
+
+"And she knew, of course, that we're disengaged to-night, and when she
+got my letter she was just going to send them round to us."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BEATEN ON POINTS.
+
+L.C.C. TRAM. "HARD LINES ON ME!"
+
+MOTOR-'BUS. "YES, IT'S ALWAYS HARD LINES WITH YOU, MY BOY. THAT'S WHAT'S
+THE MATTER; YOU CAN'T SIDE-STEP."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "WHO'S THE LITTLE MAN HOLDING HIS RACKET THAT FUNNY WAY?"
+
+"OH, THAT'S MR. BINKS. HE TAKES THE PLATE ROUND IN CHURCH, YOU KNOW."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Commercial Candour.
+
+From a testimonial:--
+
+    "I have had this cover on the rear wheel of my 3-1/2 h.p. Humber
+    Motor Cycle and have ridden same 7,000 miles, six of these without a
+    puncture."--_Advt. in "Motor Cycle."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MRD. CPL., temporary."--_Advt. in "Daily Mail."_
+
+When we tell you that the mystic letters mean "married couple," you will
+share our horror.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN AT THE FIGHT.
+
+  In ancient unsophisticated days
+  Women were valued for their cloistered ways.
+  And won at Rome encouragement from man
+  Only because they stayed at home and span;
+  While PERICLES in Attic Greek expressed
+  The view that those least talked about were best.
+  There were exceptions, but the normal Greek
+  Regarded SAPPHO as a dangerous freak,
+  And CLYTEMNESTRA for three thousand years
+  Was pelted with unmitigated sneers,
+  Till RICHARD STRAUSS and HOFMANNSTHAL combined
+  To prove that she was very much maligned.
+
+  But now at last these cloistered days are o'er
+  And woman, breaking down her prison door,
+  Is free to take the middle of the floor.
+  No more for her indomitable soul
+  The meekly ministering angel _role_;
+  No more the darner of her husband's socks,
+  She takes delight in watching champions box,
+  Finds respite from the carking cares that vex us
+  In cheering blows that reach the solar plexus,
+  Joins in the loud and patriotic shout
+  While beaten BELL is being counted out,
+  And--joy that makes all other joys seem nil--
+  Writes her impressions for _The Daily Thrill_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+THE SUSCEPTIBLE AMERICAN.
+
+Once upon a time there was a beautiful singer named Miss Iris Bewlay.
+Every now and then she gave a recital, and it was always crowded. She
+was chosen to sing "God save the King" at bazaars and Primrose League
+meetings; her rendering of "Home, Sweet Home" moistened every eye.
+Hostesses wishing to be really in the swim engaged her to sing during
+after-dinner conversation for enormous fees.
+
+When Miss Iris Bewlay was approaching the forties and adding every day
+to her wealth, another Miss Bewlay--not Iris, but Gladys, and no
+relation whatever--was gradually improving her gift of song with a
+well-known teacher, for it was Miss Gladys Bewlay's intention, with her
+parents' strong approval, to become a professional. She had not, it is
+true, her illustrious namesake's commanding presence or powerful
+register, but her voice was sweet and refined and she might easily have
+a future.
+
+It happened that a susceptible music-loving American staying in London
+for a short time was taken by some English friends to a concert at which
+Miss Iris Bewlay was singing, and he fell at once a victim to her tones.
+Never before had he heard a voice which so thrilled and moved him. He
+returned to his hotel enraptured, and awoke with but one desire and that
+was to hear Miss Bewlay again.
+
+"Say, where is a Miss Bewlay singing to-night?" he asked the hotel
+porter.
+
+The porter searched all the concert announcements, but found no mention
+of the great name. In the end he advised a visit to one of the ticket
+libraries, and off the enthusiast hurried.
+
+Now it happened that this very evening was the one chosen for the
+_debut_, before a number of invited friends, of Miss Gladys Bewlay, and
+one of the guests chanced to be at the ticket library at the moment the
+susceptible American entered and fired his question at the clerk.
+
+"Say, can you tell me where Miss Bewlay is singing to-night?" he said.
+
+The clerk having no information, the susceptible American was turning
+away when the guest of the other Bewlay family ventured to address him
+with the information that Miss Bewlay was singing that evening at a
+private gathering at one of the halls.
+
+"Couldn't I get in?" the American asked.
+
+"It's private," said the lady. "It's only for the friends of the
+family."
+
+"Let me take down the address, anyway," said he, and took it down.
+
+That evening, just before Miss Gladys Bewlay's first song, a visiting
+card was handed to one of her brothers, with the statement that a
+gentleman desired the pleasure of a moment's interview on a matter of
+great importance.
+
+"See here," said the gentleman, and it was none other than the
+susceptible American, "I'm just crazy about Miss Bewlay's singing. They
+tell me she's here to-night. Now I know it's a strange thing to ask, but
+I want to know if you can't just let me lean against a pillar somewhere
+at the back while she's singing, and then I'll go right away. It's my
+last chance for some time, you see. I go back to America to-morrow."
+
+The brother, not a little impressed by his sister's magnetism, all
+unsuspected in a _debutante_, and imagining the American to have heard
+her at a lesson, said he saw no reason why this little scheme should not
+be carried out; and so the American entered and took up an obscure
+position; and in a short while Miss Bewlay ascended the platform and
+began to sing.
+
+When she had finished the American approached one of the guests and
+begged to be told the name of the singer.
+
+"Miss Bewlay," said the guest. "It's her first appearance to-night."
+
+"Miss Bewlay," gasped the American. "Then there are two of them. You say
+this is her first appearance?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then she's very young?"
+
+"Only about twenty."
+
+The American returned to his corner, and the second song began.
+
+Whatever disappointment his ears may have suffered it would have been
+obvious to close observers that his eyes were contented enough. They
+rested on the fair young singer with delight and admiration, and when
+she had finished there was no applause like the susceptible American's.
+
+When Miss Bewlay's brother had gradually worked his way to the back of
+the room, he found the American in an ecstasy.
+
+"She's great," he said. "Say, would it be too much to ask you to
+introduce me?"
+
+"Not at all," said the brother, who was as pleased at his sister's
+success as though it were his own.
+
+The American did not return to his own country the next day, nor for
+many days after; and when he did he was engaged to Miss Gladys Bewlay.
+
+Isn't that a pretty fairy story? and almost every word of it is true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "MY DEAR OLD FELLOW! WHAT'S THE MATTER? THE SEA'S LIKE A
+DUCK-POND!"
+
+"I KNOW, OLD BOY--BUT I'VE TAKEN SIX--DIFFERENT--REMEDIES."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SEASIDE "SONG SCENA."
+
+Yesterday I celebrated the beginning of my holidays by patronising _The
+Melodities_ on the beach. _The Melodities_ are a band of entertainers
+who draw enormous salaries for giving a couple of performances daily in
+a kind of luxurious open-air theatre.
+
+"Ladies and Gentlemen," announced the Manager soon after I had taken my
+seat, "our first item will be a Song Scena entitled _The Moon_, by
+Bertie Weston, assisted by six members of the company." A quiver of
+expectation ran through the crowded audience.
+
+Bertie Weston, wearing a uniform resembling (I imagine) that of a
+Patagonian Vice-Admiral, advanced mincingly to the footlights, and the
+six others, similarly attired, ranged themselves in a row behind him.
+Behind these again dropped a back-cloth representing a stone balustrade,
+blue hills and fleecy clouds.
+
+There was a burst of warm applause, in response to which Bertie politely
+bowed his thanks. Without further preliminary he commenced--
+
+  The crescent moon on high
+  Is shining in the sky.
+
+Here the six turned up their faces and gazed pensively at the heavens
+(it was still broad daylight, by the way), at the same time resting
+their chins on their right hands and their right elbows on their left
+hands.
+
+            The sun is gone,
+            The stars are wan,
+  Oh come, my love, we'll wander, you and I.
+
+Here the six ceased to regard the sky, split into pairs and by
+pantomimic gesture invited one another to wander.
+
+  Across the hills we'll go,
+  While birds sing soft and low,
+
+The singer paused for an instant, while the six, now formed into a
+semicircle, hummed together softly a suggestion of distant nightingales.
+Not an imitation--that would be too banal--but a suggestion. In point of
+fact I thought I detected the air of "The Little Grey Home in the West."
+
+  While the silver moon adorns the summer sky.
+
+After a brief pause, brightened by what are vulgarly termed twiddly bits
+on the piano, the soloist sang the chorus, softly and appealing, with a
+sort of treacly intonation:--
+
+            Moon, moon, moon,
+            We'll come soon, soon,
+  Across the hills while all the world is dreaming.
+            Moon, moon, moon,
+            I'd like to swoon, swoon,
+
+The heads of the six drooped listlessly and their hands fell languidly
+to their sides; their eyes closed.
+
+  When I see your white rays beaming, gleaming, streaming.
+
+The six awoke briskly and commenced to glide around the stage,
+describing circles, figures of eight, and other more intricate patterns,
+while Bertie swayed his body rhythmically from side to side, his arms
+and hands outstretched and palms turned downwards. In this formation
+they all repeated the chorus together.
+
+Bertie now cleared his throat and started on the second verse without
+delay. The six stood sideways, their hands in their trousers pockets and
+their faces turned to the audience.
+
+  Oh, moon of dainty grace,
+  Shine on my loved one's face.
+
+The footlights were suddenly switched off and each of the six produced a
+small electric torch and illuminated his neighbour's features. The
+effect was startling. Presently the footlights reappeared as abruptly as
+they had vanished and the torches were extinguished.
+
+  Upon the hill
+  The night is still.
+
+Again there was a short pause, during which the six breathed lightly
+through their teeth, producing a faint and long-drawn
+_sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh_.
+
+  Oh come, my love, together let us haste.
+
+The six ceased sh-sh-ing and gracefully invited one another to haste.
+
+          Away, away, we'll roam
+          To seek our fairy home,
+  While the silver moon illuminates the place.
+
+The six placed both hands on their breasts and stood with bowed heads,
+motionless except for a continuous and rhythmic bending of the knees,
+while Bertie sang the chorus softly, lingeringly. Then, stretching out
+their arms, they swayed their bodies from side to side as their leader
+had previously done, while Bertie himself drifted in and out between
+them, and all rendered the chorus for the second time.
+
+            Moon, moon, moon,
+            We'll come soon, soon.
+  Across the hills while all the world is dreaming.
+            Moon, moon, moon,
+            I want to swoon, swoon,
+  When I see your white rays beaming, gleaming, streaming.
+
+There was a moment's emotional silence, broken by a thunder of rapturous
+applause. The Song Scena, all too short, was finished.
+
+Anxious not to risk spoiling the impression, I arose and left hastily
+before the next turn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _She._ "HERBERT, I CAN'T FIND MY BATHING-DRESS ANYWHERE!"
+
+_He._ "SEE IF YOU'VE GOT IT ON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young M'Pherson, the Blackford jumper, is anxious to fix up a match
+    for a long jump with anybody in Scotland. A week ago he did 5-1/2
+    ft., but he asserts he can beat this hollow if called upon."
+
+    _Edinburgh Evening News._
+
+If M'PHERSON will say just how young he is, we will find a suitable
+nephew to take him on. Tommy (aged eight) did 6 ft. 1 in. yesterday, but
+asserts that he slipped.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MIDSUMMER MADNESS.
+
+The girl who shared Herbert's meringue at dinner (a brittle one, which
+exploded just as he was getting into it) was kind and tactful.
+
+"It doesn't matter a bit," she said, removing fragments of shell from
+her lap; and, to put him at his ease again, went on, "Are you interested
+in little problems at all?"
+
+Herbert, who would have been interested even in a photograph album just
+then, emerged from his apologies and swore that he was.
+
+"We're all worrying about one which Father saw in a paper. I do wish you
+could solve it for us. It goes like this." And she proceeded to explain
+it. Herbert decided that the small piece of meringue still in her hair
+was not worth mentioning and listened to her with interest.
+
+On the next morning I happened to drop in at Herbert's office.... And
+that, in short, is how I was mixed up in the business.
+
+"Look here," said Herbert, "you used to be mathematical; here's
+something for you."
+
+"Let the dead past bury its dead," I implored. "I am now quite
+respectable."
+
+"It goes like this," he said, ignoring my appeal.
+
+He then gave me the problem, which I hand on to you.
+
+"A subaltern riding at the rear of a column of soldiers trotted up to
+the captain in front and challenged him to a game of billiards for
+half-a-crown a side, the loser to pay for the table. Having lost, he
+played another hundred, double or quits, and then rode back, the column
+by this time having travelled twice its own length, and a distance equal
+to the distance it would have travelled if it had been going in the
+other direction. What was the captain's name?"
+
+Perhaps I have not got it quite right, for I have had an eventful week
+since then; or perhaps Herbert didn't get it quite right; or perhaps the
+girl with the meringue in her hair didn't get it quite right; but
+anyhow, that was the idea of it.
+
+"And the answer," said Herbert, "ought to be 'four cows,' but I keep on
+making it 'eight and tuppence.' Just have a shot at it, there's a good
+fellow. I promised the girl, you know."
+
+I sat down, worked it out hastily on the back of an envelope, and made
+it a yard and a half.
+
+"No," said Herbert; "I know it's 'four cows,' but I can't get it."
+
+"Sorry," I said, "how stupid of me; I left out the table-money."
+
+I did it hastily again and made it three minutes twenty-five seconds.
+
+"It _is_ difficult, isn't it?" said Herbert. "I thought, as you used to
+be mathematical and as I'd promised the girl----"
+
+"Wait a moment," I said, still busy with my envelope. "I forgot the
+subaltern. Ah, that's right. The answer is a hundred and twenty-five
+men.... No, that's wrong--I never doubled the half-crown. Er--oh, look
+here, Herbert, I'm rather busy this morning. I'll send it to you."
+
+"Right," said Herbert. "I know I can depend on you, because you're
+mathematical." And he opened the door for me.
+
+I had meant to do a very important piece of work that day, but I
+couldn't get my mind off Herbert's wretched problem. Happening to see
+Carey at tea-time, I mentioned it to him.
+
+"Ah," said Carey profoundly. "H'm. Have you tried it with an '_x_'?"
+
+"Of course."
+
+"Yes, it looks as though it wants a bit of an '_x_' somewhere. You stick
+to it with an '_x_' and you ought to do it. Let '_x_' be the
+subaltern--that's the way. I say, I didn't know you were interested in
+problems."
+
+"Well----"
+
+"Because I've got rather a tricky chess problem here I can't do." He
+produced his pocket chess-board. "White mates in four moves."
+
+I looked at it carelessly. Black had only left himself with a Pawn and a
+King, while White had seen to it that he had a Queen and a couple of
+Knights about. Now, I know very little about chess, but I do understand
+the theory of chess problems.
+
+"Have you tried letting the Queen be taken by Black's pawn, then
+sacrificing the Knights, and finally mating him with the King alone?"
+
+"Yes," said Carey.
+
+Then I was baffled. If one can't solve a chess problem by starting off
+with the most unlikely-looking thing on the board, one can't solve it at
+all. However, I copied down the position and said I'd glance at it....
+At eleven that night I rose from my glance, decided that Herbert's
+problem was the more immediately pressing, and took it to bed with me.
+
+I was lunching with William next day, and I told him about the
+subaltern. He dashed at it lightheartedly and made the answer seventeen.
+
+"Seventeen what?" I said.
+
+"Well, whatever we're talking about. I think you'll find it's seventeen
+all right. But look here, my son, here's a golf problem for you. A. is
+playing B. At the fifth hole A. falls off the tee into a pond----"
+
+I forget how it went on.
+
+When I got home to dinner, after a hard day with the subaltern, I found
+a letter from Norah waiting for me.
+
+"I hear from Mr. Carey," she wrote, "that you're keen on problems.
+Here's one I have cut out of our local paper. Do have a shot at it. The
+answer ought to be eight miles an hour."
+
+Luckily, however, she forgot to enclose the problem. For by this time,
+what with Herbert's subaltern, Carey's pawn, and a cistern left me by an
+uncle who was dining with us that night, I had more than enough to
+distract me.
+
+And so the business has gone on. The news that I am preparing a
+collection of interesting and tricky problems for a new _Encylopaedia_
+has got about among my friends. Everybody who writes to me tells me of a
+relation of his who has been shearing sheep or rowing against the stream
+or dealing himself four aces. People who come to tea borrow a box of
+wooden matches and beg me to remove one match and leave a perfect
+square. I am asked to do absurd things with pennies....
+
+Meanwhile Herbert has forgotten both the problem and the girl. Three
+evenings later he shared his Hollandaise sauce with somebody in yellow
+(as luck would have it) and she changed the subject by wondering if he
+read DICKENS. He is now going manfully through _Bleak House_--a chapter
+a night--and when he came to visit me to-day he asked me if I had ever
+heard of the man.
+
+However I was not angry with him, for I had just made it come to "three
+cows." It is a cow short, but it is nearer than I have ever been before,
+and I think I shall leave it at that. Indeed, both the doctor and the
+nurse say that I had better leave it at that.
+
+  A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SEASONABLE BEVERAGE.
+
+  Great charm hath tea--some fragrant blend;
+  Sipped with a fair and festive friend;
+
+  And even milk hath flavour, too,
+  When sun-kissed milkmaids hand it you.
+
+  Beer, in a large resounding can,
+  Befits a coarser type of man,
+
+  While some rejoice in spirit pure,
+  And others in a faked liqueur.
+
+  But none of these, nor any wine,
+  Hath present claim to praise of mine,
+
+  Hath e'er produced the gasp and thrill
+  Of that incomparable swill
+
+  When first, from care and toil set free,
+  I plunge into the summer sea
+  And bring a mouthful back with me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE ANNUAL PROBLEM.
+
+_Showing how helpfully the hoardings distinguish between the
+characteristic features of various localities._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A LONG-FELT WANT.
+
+THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO MOTOR-CYCLES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICS AT THE ZOO.
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL'S comparison of the occupants of the Treasury Bench to
+the monkeys at the Zoo has caused considerable excitement in Regent's
+Park, and one of _Mr. Punch's_ representatives, assisted by an
+interpreter, has taken the opportunity to sound some of the principal
+inmates on the subject.
+
+In the Simian section a certain amount of regret was expressed that Lord
+ROBERT had not been more explicit in his comparison. Did he refer to
+chimpanzees, baboons, gorillas or other species? But when all allowance
+was made for this lack of precision the general impression was one of
+satisfaction that a leading politician should have frankly admitted that
+monkeys possessed qualities which entitled their human possessors to
+high office and handsome salaries. It was felt that this admission
+marked a great advance on all previous concessions to the claims of the
+Simian community, and pointed irresistibly to the ultimate
+grant--already long overdue--of Monkey Franchise throughout the Empire.
+
+Baboons, it was well known, were already employed as railway porters in
+Cape Colony, and chimpanzees had of late years appeared with great
+success at some of the leading music-halls. In view of these facts the
+further delay of the suffrage could no longer be justified. At present
+we were confronted with the gross anomaly that a tailor, who was
+admitted to be only the ninth part of a man, was given a vote, while the
+monkey, man's ancestor, was denied even the fraction which was all that
+a tailor deserved.
+
+These views however were not shared by other _genera_ domiciled at the
+Zoological Gardens. One of the oldest lions observed in a strepitous
+bass that it was a great relief to him that his race had not been
+degraded by any such comparisons. He had some respect for hunters, but
+as for politicians he would not be seen dead with them at a pig fair.
+Asked whether he had read Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD'S account of his
+lion-hunting exploits, in _The Daily Chronicle_, he professed ignorance
+and even indifference. Speaking as an aristocrat he thought that a
+Labour leader was not worthy to twist his tail. As for the conduct of
+Mr. BERNARD SHAW in bringing lions on the stage, he thought it little
+short of an outrage for an anaemic vegetarian to take liberties with the
+king of the carnivora.
+
+Considerable resentment was shown in the Ursine encampment at Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE'S somewhat disparaging reference to the bear's hug. (It will be
+remembered that he compared with it the attitude of the Tories in
+respect of the Finance Bill.) The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER evidently
+regarded it as an insincere caress, whereas it was a perfectly honest
+expression of hostility. This attack was all the more unjust and
+undeserved since the bear was a most hardworking and underpaid member of
+the community. When a politician reached the top of the poll he got L400
+a year. When a bear did the same he only got a penny bun.
+
+A conversation with a leading representative of the colony of Penguins
+revealed the interesting fact that they were incapable of appreciating
+our Parliamentary procedure owing to their hereditary inability to sit
+down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Mr. Punch's_ HOLIDAY PAGES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIMA DONNA.
+
+[_The repertoire of Summer is here made to embrace the prelude of many
+good things that come within the wider scope of the holiday season._]
+
+  Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind attention!
+    Here's Summer, at your service (till you bid the lady stop);
+  Good gentlemen, she's songs for you--'tis time to drop dissension;
+    'Tis time to cut the cackle and to close awhile the shop;
+  For stags shall be in Badenoch, and Kent hath twined the hop.
+
+  Yes, songs for every son o' you, and all have silver linings!
+    Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, it's close, your London air;
+  If I'm mixing up the proverbs, 'tis because my roads run shining
+    Through the fret of far-off pine-woods, and I'm wishful to be there;
+  Or at hand among the hop-poles when the vines are trailing fair.
+
+  Good gentlemen, the prologue! Here's a programme most attractive:
+    She's songs for everyone o' you--oh, rare the tunes and rich!
+  Here's hackneyed _Devon Harbours_ (but the pollock's biting active);
+    Here's _Evening_ (rise in Hampshire); here's _The Roller on the Pitch_;
+  And music in the lot o' them--it doesn't matter which.
+
+  We've long _White Roads o' Brittany_ and pretty _Wayside Posies_,
+    _Blue Bays_ (beneath the undercliff--the white sails crawling by);
+  We've _Rabbits in a Hedgerow_ (how the bustling Clumber noses);
+    We've _Grouse Across the Valley_ (crashing crumpled from the sky);
+  And magic's in each note of her--it doesn't matter why.
+
+  Here's _Salmon Songs_ and _Shrimping Songs_, according to your pocket;
+    Here's _Hopping_ (with a lurcher--twice as useful as a gun
+  For the fat young August pheasants that'll never live to rocket);
+    Here's a jolly _Song o' Golf Balls_; here's the tune of
+   _Cubs that Run_;
+  We've something for each Jack o' you, for every mother's son.
+
+  Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind permission!
+    Here's Summer, at your service, and she'd sing you on your ways
+  The marching songs of morning and the Road that fits the Vision,
+    The mellow songs of twilight and the gold September haze;
+  God rest you all, good gentlemen, and send you pleasant days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE VOGUE FOR WEARING FANCY DRESS THREATENS TO INVADE
+ORDINARY SOCIAL LIFE.
+
+TENNIS AT THE VICARAGE.
+
+A JOLLY BATHING PARTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: OUR DEAR OLD FRIEND, THE FOREIGN SPY (CUNNINGLY DISGUISED
+AS A GOLFER), VISITS OUR YOUNGEST SUBURB ONE SATURDAY AFTERNOON IN QUEST
+OF FURTHER EVIDENCE OF OUR LETHARGY, GENERAL DECADENCE AND FALLING
+BIRTH-RATE. HE GETS A SHOCK AND AT ONCE TELEGRAPHS TO HIS
+COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF URGING THAT THE CONQUEST OF THE BRITISH ISLES BE
+UNDERTAKEN BEFORE THE PRESENT GENERATION IS MANY YEARS OLDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustrations: THE INTRUSIONS OF THE CINEMA.
+
+[Jones, secretary to the South Sea Islanders' Regeneration Society, who
+is suffering from nerves, is recommended a very remote sea-coast retreat
+for his summer holiday. With his wife and family he tries it. The
+manager of a certain cinema company likewise chooses this particular
+spot for his company to rehearse their powerful new drama, "Down among
+the Dead Men."]
+
+_Miss Jones._ "WAKE UP, DAD, WE'RE GOING TO BATHE."
+
+
+_First Act of the Drama._--AFTER THE WRECK: DESMOND AND ROSEMARY WASHED
+ASHORE ON THE CANNIBAL ISLAND.
+
+       * * *
+
+_Jones (to the rescue)._ "DEVILS! FIENDS! UNTIE THAT WHITE MAN!"
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Cinema Manager explains._ "SORRY TO HAVE CAUSED YOU ANY
+INCONVENIENCE, SIR--MERELY REHEARSING 'DOWN AMONG THE DEAD MEN'--DAM
+FINE DRAMA, SIR--WE PRODUCE SAME AT THE OPERA 'OUSE, CROYDON, ON THE
+16TH."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Surf-rider._ "I'M ALMOST SURE THIS ISN'T A BIT THE WAY
+IT'S DONE IN THOSE ILLUSTRATED PAPERS!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Early Tripper._ "MAKES YER FEEL LIKE OLE NAPOLEON AT
+WHAT'S-ITS-NAME!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: APT NOMENCLATURE IN OUR GARDEN SUBURB.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Captain._ "THE BLOOMIN' VICE-PRESIDENT'S FORGOT THE
+STUMPS. YOUNG BILL 'ERE BETTER BE THE WICKET--'E WANTS TO PLAY AND 'E'S
+TOO LITTLE TO BAT AGIN SWIFT BOWLIN'!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Native_ (_having seen his rival tipped by guileless
+visitor_). "'E'S SWINDLED YER, SIR. I'M THE OLDEST
+INHABITANT--NINETY-FOUR COME SUNDAY THREE WEEKS. 'E'S ONLY A YOUNGSTER
+OF EIGHTY-TWO."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: EVEN IN HIS PLAY THE SCIENTIST'S CHILD IS SCIENTIFIC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE POLITICAL JUNGLE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A FULL JOY-DAY.
+
+How an energetic visitor contrived to sample nearly all the attractions
+of Worplethorpe-on-Sea (as advertised by the municipality) in the course
+of a one-day's trip.
+
+_9 to 10.30 A.M._--BATHING AND FISHING.
+
+_10.30 A.M. to 12 (noon)._--SHOOTING AND CYCLING.
+
+_12 to 1.30 P.M._--TENNIS AND BOTANY.
+
+_3 to 4.30 P.M._--CROQUET AND ARCHAEOLOGY.
+
+_4.30 to 6 P.M._--GOLF AND GEOLOGY.
+
+_6 to 7.30 P.M._--SKETCHING AND DONKEY-RIDING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: RACE-COURSE OF THE NEAR FUTURE, SUFFRAGETTE-PROOF.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: SMITH, WHO ALWAYS WEARS THE NATIVE COSTUME WHEN FISHING
+IN THE HIGHLANDS (HIS GREAT-GRAND-AUNT'S STEP-FATHER HAVING BEEN A
+McGREGOR) FINDS THE MIDGES SOMEWHAT TROUBLESOME. A LITTLE INGENUITY
+HOWEVER OVERCOMES THE DIFFICULTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE "SPASMO" CANOELET.
+
+IT IS A RELUCTANT STARTER.
+
+WHEN IT _DOES_ START, IT STARTS.
+
+IT LAUGHS AT LOCKS.
+
+IT ENDS AS A HYDRO-AEROPLANE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE EMANCIPATION OF THE EAST.
+
+THE GRAND VIZIER, A MASTER OF POLYGAMY, REGRETS THE VOGUE OF THE CINEMA
+AS AN EDUCATIVE FORCE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: LUNCH "SCORES."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMPLAINTS ARE HEARD FROM HOLIDAY-MAKERS ON THEIR RETURN THAT THE
+HOLIDAY HAS FAILED TO BENEFIT THEM. THIS IS DUE TO LACK OF PREPARATORY
+TRAINING AT HOME.
+
+Illustration: HARDEN THE FEET FOR BEACH-WALKING.
+
+Illustration: ACCUSTOM THE LUNGS TO MARINE AROMAS.
+
+Illustration: PREPARE TO RECEIVE THE BUFFETINGS OF NEPTUNE.
+
+Illustration: TOUGHEN THE INTERIOR FOR A LODGING-HOUSE DIET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY FILM.
+
+    [Having had the good fortune to pick up for a mere song (or, to be
+    more accurate, for a few notes) several thousand miles of discarded
+    cinema films from a bankrupt company, _Mr. Punch_ is gumming the
+    best bits together and presenting them during the holiday season on
+    the piers of many of our fashionable watering-places, such as
+    Bayswater, Hackney Marshes and Ponder's End. The films comprise the
+    well-known "Baresark Basil, the Pride of the Ranch" (two miles
+    long), "The Foiler Foiled" (one mile, three furlongs, two rods,
+    poles or perches), "The Blood-stained Vest" (fragment--eighteen
+    inches), "A Maniac's Revenge" (5,000 feet), "The Life of the Common
+    Mosquito" (six legs), and so forth. An accomplished writer has been
+    chosen to weave a connected story round the selected parts of the
+    films, and his scenario of _Mr. Punch's_ great picture play, when
+    finally gummed together, is given below. The illustrations depict a
+    few representative incidents in the story--taken from the
+    sketch-book of an artist who was present when the films were first
+    being prepared.]
+
+Twenty-five years before our film opens, Andrew Bellingham, a young man
+just about to enter his father's business, was spending a holiday in a
+little fishing village in Cornwall. The daughter of the sheep-farmer
+with whom he lodged was a girl of singular beauty, and Andrew's youthful
+blood was quickly stirred to admiration. Carried away by his passion for
+her, he--
+
+    [MANAGER OF PUNCH FILM COMPANY. _Just a reminder that MR. REDFORD
+    has to pass this before it can be produced._]
+
+--he married her--
+
+    [MANAGER. _Oh, I beg pardon._]
+
+--and for some weeks they lived happily together. One day he informed
+Jessie that he would have to go back to his work in London, and that it
+might be a year or more before he could acknowledge her openly as his
+wife to his rich and proud parents. Jessie was prostrated with grief;
+and late that afternoon her hat and fringe-net were discovered by the
+edge of the waters. Realising at once that she must have drowned herself
+in her distress, Andrew took an affecting farewell of her father and the
+sheep, and returned to London. A year later he married a distant cousin,
+and soon rose to a condition of prosperity. At the time our film begins
+to unwind, he was respected by everybody in the City, a widower, and the
+father of a beautiful girl of eighteen, called Hyacinth.
+
+    [MANAGER. _Now we're off. What do we start with?_]
+
+I.
+
+On the sunny side of Fenchurch Street--
+
+    [MANAGER. _Ah, then I suppose we'd better keep back the Rescue from
+    the Alligator and the Plunge down Niagara in a Barrel._]
+
+--Andrew Bellingham was dozing in his office. Suddenly he awoke to find
+a strange man standing over him.
+
+"Who are you?" asked Mr. Bellingham. "What do you want?"
+
+"My name is Jasper," was the answer, "and I have some information to
+give you." He bent down and hissed, "_Your first wife is still alive!_"
+
+Andrew started up in obvious horror. "My daughter," he gasped, "my
+little Hyacinth! She must never know."
+
+"Listen. Your wife is in Spain--
+
+    [MANAGER. _Don't waste her. Make it somewhere where there are
+    sharks._
+
+    AUTHOR. _It's all right, she's dead really._]
+
+--and she will not trouble you. Give me a thousand pounds, and you shall
+have these;" and he held out a packet containing the marriage
+certificate, a photograph of Jessie's father dipping a sheep, a
+receipted bill for a pair of white gloves, size 9-1/2, two letters
+signed "Your own loving little Andy Pandy", and a peppermint with "Jess"
+on it in pink. "Once these are locked up in your safe, no one need never
+know that you were married in Cornwall twenty-five years ago."
+
+Without a moment's hesitation Mr. Bellingham took a handful of
+bank-notes from his pocket-book, and the exchange was made. At all costs
+he must preserve his little Hyacinth from shame. Now she need never
+know. With a forced smile he bowed Jasper out, placed the packet in his
+safe and returned to his desk.
+
+Illustration: The Theft.
+
+But his mysterious visitor was not done with yet. As soon as the door
+had closed behind him Jasper re-entered softly, drugged Andrew hastily,
+and took possession again of the compromising documents. By the time Mr.
+Bellingham had regained his senses the thief was away. A hue-and-cry was
+raised, police whistles were blown, and Richard Harrington, Mr.
+Bellingham's private secretary, was smartly arrested.
+
+At the trial things looked black against Richard. He was poor and he
+was in love with Hyacinth; the chain of evidence was complete. In spite
+of his impassioned protest from the dock, in spite of Hyacinth's
+dramatic swoon in front of the solicitors' table, the judge with great
+solemnity passed sentence of twenty years' penal servitude. A loud
+"Hear, hear" from the gallery rang through the court, and, looking up,
+Mr. Bellingham caught the sardonic eye of the mysterious Jasper.
+
+II.
+
+Richard had been in prison a month before the opportunity for his escape
+occurred. For a month he had been hewing stone in Portland, black
+despair at his heart. Then, like lightning, he saw his chance and took
+it. The warders were off guard for a moment. Hastily lifting his
+pickaxe----
+
+    [MANAGER. _Sorry, but it's a spade in the only prison film we've
+    got._]
+
+Hastily borrowing a spade from a comrade who was digging potatoes, he
+struck several of his gaolers down, and, dodging the shots of others who
+hurried to the scene, he climbed the prison wall and dashed for freedom.
+
+Illustration: The Escape.
+
+Reaching Weymouth at nightfall, he made his way to the house which
+Hyacinth had taken in order to be near him, and, suitably disguised,
+travelled up to London with her in the powerful motor which she had kept
+ready. "At last, my love, we are together," he murmured as they neared
+Wimbledon. But he had spoken a moment too soon. An aeroplane swooped
+down upon them, and Hyacinth was snatched from his arms and disappeared
+with her captors into the clouds.
+
+Illustration: The Abduction.
+
+III.
+
+Richard's first act on arriving in London was to go to Mr. Bellingham's
+house. Andrew was out, but a note lying on his study carpet, "_Meet me
+at the Old Windmill to-night_," gave him a clue. On receipt of this note
+Andrew had gone to the _rendezvous_, and it was no surprise to him when
+Jasper stepped out and offered to sell him a packet containing a
+marriage certificate, a photograph of an old gentleman dipping a sheep,
+a peppermint lozenge with "Jess" on it, and various other documents for
+a thousand pounds.
+
+"You villain," cried Andrew, "even at the trial I suspected you," and he
+rushed at him fiercely.
+
+A desperate struggle ensued. Breaking free for a moment from the
+vice-like grip of the other, Jasper leapt with the spring of a panther
+at one of the sails of the windmill as it came round, and was whirled
+upwards; with the spring of another panther, Andrew leapt on to the next
+sail and was whirled after him. At that moment the wind dropped, and the
+combatants were suspended in mid-air.
+
+Illustration: The Duel at the Mill.
+
+It was upon this terrible scene that Richard arrived. Already a crowd
+was collecting; and, though at present it did not seem greatly alarmed,
+feeling convinced that it was only assisting at another cinematograph
+rehearsal, its suspicions might at any moment be aroused. With a shout,
+he dashed into the mill. Seeing him coming Jasper dropped his revolver
+and slid down the sail into the window. In a moment he reappeared at the
+door of the mill with Hyacinth under his arm. "Stop him!" cried Richard
+from underneath a sack of flour. It was no good. Jasper had leapt with
+his fair burden upon the back of his mustang and was gone....
+
+The usual pursuit followed.
+
+IV.
+
+It was the gala night at the Royal Circus. Ricardo Harringtoni, the
+wonderful new acrobat of whom everybody was talking, stood high above
+the crowd on his platform. His marvellous performance on the swinging
+horizontal bar was about to begin. Richard Harrington (for it was he)
+was troubled. Since he had entered on his new profession--as a disguise
+from the police who were still searching for him--he had had a vague
+suspicion that the lion-tamer was dogging him. _Who was the lion-tamer?_
+Could it be Jasper?
+
+At that moment the band struck up and Richard leapt lightly on to the
+swinging bar. With a movement full of grace he let go of the bar and
+swung on to the opposite platform. And then, even as he was in mid-air,
+he realized what was happening.
+
+Illustration: An Awkward Moment for Richard.
+
+Jasper had let the lion loose!
+
+_It was waiting for him._
+
+With a gasping cry Ricardo Harrington fainted.
+
+V.
+
+When he recovered consciousness, Richard found himself on the S.S.
+_Boracic_, which was forging her way through the--
+
+    [MANAGER.--_Somewhere where there are sharks._]
+
+--the Indian Ocean. Mr. Bellingham was bathing his forehead with cooling
+drinks.
+
+"Forgive me, my boy," said Mr. Bellingham, "for the wrong I did you. It
+was Jasper who stole the compromising documents. He refuses to give them
+back unless I let him marry Hyacinth. What can I do?"
+
+"Where is she?" asked Richard.
+
+"Hidden away no one knows where. Find her, get back the documents for
+me, and she is yours."
+
+Illustration: The Rescue. [_Inset--the Cinema Shark, 3s. 6d._]
+
+At that moment a terrible cry rang through the ship; "Man overboard!"
+Pushing over Mr. Bellingham and running on deck, Richard saw that a
+woman and her baby were battling for life in the shark-infested waters.
+In an instant he had plunged in and rescued them. As they were dragged
+together up the ship's side he heard her murmur, "Is little Jasper
+safe?"
+
+"Jasper?" cried Richard.
+
+"Yes, called after his daddy."
+
+"Where is daddy now?" asked Richard hoarsely.
+
+"In America."
+
+"Can't you see the likeness?" whispered Richard to Mr. Bellingham. "It
+must be. The villain is married to another. But now I will pursue him
+and get back the papers." And he left the boat at the next port and
+boarded one for America.
+
+VI.
+
+The search through North and South America for Jasper was protracted.
+Accompanied sometimes by a band of cowboys, sometimes by a tribe of
+Indians, Richard scoured the continent for his enemy. There were hours
+when he would rest awhile and amuse himself by watching the antics of
+the common mosquito. [MANAGER. _Good!_] or he would lie at full length
+and gaze at a bud bursting into flower [MANAGER. _Excellent!_]. Then he
+would leap on to his steed and pursue the trail relentlessly once more.
+
+One night he was dozing by his camp-fire, when he was awakened roughly
+by strong arms around his neck and Jasper's hot breath in his ear.
+
+Illustration: Another Awkward Moment.
+
+"At last!" cried Jasper, and, knocking Richard heavily on the head with
+a boot, he picked up his unconscious enemy and carried him to a
+tributary of the Amazon noted for its alligators. Once there he tied him
+to a post in mid-stream and rode hastily off to the nearest town, where
+he spent the evening witnessing the first half of _The Merchant of
+Venice_. [MANAGER. _Splendid!_] But in the morning a surprise awaited
+him. As he was proceeding along the top of a lonely cliff he was
+confronted suddenly by the enemy whom he had thought to kill.
+
+"Richard!" he cried, "escaped again!"
+
+"Now, Jasper, I have you."
+
+With a triumphant cry they rushed at each other; a terrible contest
+ensued; and then Jasper, with one blow of his palm, hurled his adversary
+over the precipice.
+
+Illustration: Over the Precipice.
+
+VII.
+
+How many times the two made an end of each other after this the films
+will show. Sometimes Jasper sealed Richard in a barrel and pushed him
+over Niagara; sometimes Richard tied Jasper to a stake, and set light to
+him; sometimes they would both fall out of a balloon together. But the
+day of reckoning was at hand.
+
+    [MANAGER. _We've only got the Burning House and the 1913 Derby
+    left._
+
+    AUTHOR. _Right._]
+
+It is the evening of the 3rd of June. A cry rends the air suddenly,
+whistles are blowing, there is a rattling of horses' hoofs. "Fire!
+Fire!" Richard, who was passing Soho Square at the time, heard the cry
+and dashed into the burning house. In a room full of smoke he perceived
+a cowering woman. Hyacinth! To pick her up was the work of a moment, but
+how shall he save her? Stay! The telegraph wire! His training at the
+Royal Circus stood him in good stead. Treading lightly on the swaying
+wire he carried Hyacinth across to the house opposite.
+
+"At last, my love," he breathed.
+
+"But the papers," she cried. "You must get them, or father will not let
+you marry me."
+
+Once more he treads the rocking wire; once more he re-crosses, with the
+papers on his back. Then the house behind him crumbles to the ground,
+with the wicked Jasper in its ruins.
+
+Illustration: Richard Recovers the Letters.
+
+VIII.
+
+"Excellent," said Mr. Bellingham at dinner that evening. "Not only are
+the papers here, but a full confession by Jasper. My first wife was
+drowned all the time; he stole the documents from her father. Richard,
+my boy, when the Home Secretary knows everything he will give you a free
+pardon. And then you can marry my daughter."
+
+At these words Hyacinth and Richard were locked in a close embrace. On
+the next day they all went to the Derby together.
+
+  A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A MASTERPIECE IN THE MAKING.
+
+LORD LANSDOWNE (_Art Dealer, to Mr. ASQUITH_). "YES, I QUITE SEE YOUR
+IDEA--A FIGURE OF PEACE; BUT, SINCE YOU INVITE SUGGESTIONS FROM ME, I
+SHOULD SAY THAT THE ADDITION OF A FEW RECOGNISABLE SYMBOLS, SUCH AS A
+PAIR OF WINGS, OR A DOVE, OR AN OLIVE-BRANCH, MIGHT HELP TO MAKE IT
+CORRESPOND MORE CLEARLY WITH MY PUBLIC'S NOTION OF THE GODDESS IN
+QUESTION."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 29._--Curious how the Labour Party, who
+the other day, joining hands with the Conservatives, nearly threw the
+Government out, lead the way in sartorial fashion. Since DON'T KEIR
+HARDIE, home from the storied East, presented himself in a reach-me-down
+suit of white drill such as is worn aboard ship in the Red Sea, nothing
+has created such sensation as the dropping in this afternoon of Mr.
+HODGE, arrayed in a summer suit. It was not, as some might have
+expected, the simple garment of the elder branch of his honourable
+family. No. It was not a smock such as FRANK LOCKWOOD pictured BOBBY
+SPENCER wearing when he made his historic declaration, "I am not an
+agricultural labourer." HODGE (Gorton Div., Lancs., Lab.), as _The
+Times'_ parliamentary report has it, burst upon the attention of a
+crowded House at Question-time got up in wondrous garment, white in the
+foundation of colour, but relieved from the crude hardness of DON'T KEIR
+HARDIE'S suit by what suggested dexterous process of patting and lightly
+smearing with a mustard-spoon. A Trilby hat crowned and accentuated
+this creation.
+
+As the vision crossed the Bar Members sat silent, gazing upon it with
+lips slightly parted. Similarly, upon a peak in Darien, stout CORTEZ
+stared at the Pacific.
+
+Silence was broken by a burst of hearty cheering, in which the keen ear
+detected a slightly discordant note. Whilst Members were frankly
+disposed to applaud the boldness of what I believe purveyors of new
+models of female dress call the "confection," whilst they were lost in
+admiration of its effect, there was a feeling of disappointment that
+they had not thought of it themselves, and been the first to enter the
+field.
+
+Thanks to the genius of FRANK LOCKWOOD a former House was able to
+realise the figure presented by the present. Earl SPENCER, whilst still
+with us in the Commons, skipping along in the purity of a Monday morning
+smock, carrying in his right hand a garlanded pitchfork. What the
+present House, jaded with a succession of Budgets and the persistence of
+the Ulster question, would like to see is the entrance of those twin
+brethren, Lord CASTLEREAGH and Earl WINTERTON, walking arm-in-arm,
+arrayed in garb approaching as nearly as possible that which, thanks to
+Mr. HODGE, this afternoon illuminated the Legislative Chamber.
+
+_Business done._--CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER announced third edition of
+Budget. "Before the end of the week," said SARK, "I expect we shall meet
+him running up and down the Terrace with hand to widely-opened mouth
+shouting "Extry Speshul!"
+
+       * * *
+
+Illustration: "EXTRY SPESHUL!"
+
+       * * *
+
+_Tuesday._--AMERY began to think he had escaped consequences of his
+little mistake. Nearly a week has sped since he called attention to
+indiscretion of Captain BELLINGHAM, _aide-de-camp_ to the
+LORD-LIEUTENANT, who, reviewing small body of Nationalist volunteers,
+enjoined them to stand fast by cause of Home Rule. From answer of CHIEF
+SECRETARY it appeared that Member for South Birmingham had been
+forestalled by Lord ABERDEEN, who had called upon the Captain for
+explanation and received suitable apology for the error.
+
+Irish Members quick to see opening innocently made for them. Having long
+regarded with resentment Lord LONDONDERRY'S active patronage of
+movements of Ulster volunteers, have sedulously sought opportunity of
+bringing it under notice of House. AMERY obligingly provided it.
+Unexpected delay in seizing it was due to search for particulars now
+presented in form of question addressed to PREMIER, citing with dates
+and places six separate occasions when the _aide-de-camp_ to the KING
+had, by his presence and counsel, sanctioned reviews of Ulster
+volunteers, "whose avowed object," as the question put it, "is, in event
+of enactment of Home Rule Bill, to resist by armed force the authority
+of the Crown and Parliament, and to make the administration of the law
+impossible." What Mr. DEVLIN, with studied politeness, was anxious to
+know was "whether there is any special reason why in this matter the
+Marquis of LONDONDERRY should be treated differently from Captain
+BELLINGHAM?"
+
+PREMIER not to be drawn into the controversy. Duties of _aide-de-camp_
+to the KING, unlike those of _aide-de-camp_ to LORD-LIEUTENANT, are, he
+said, of entirely honorary character. In such circumstances he did not
+think it worth while to take notice of the matter.
+
+Effect of the reply designedly chilling; object of question attained by
+publicly submitting it. AMERY "wishes he hadn't spoke."
+
+The PREMIER'S imperturbability stood him in even greater stead at later
+proceedings. On going into Committee of Supply, HOPE of Sheffield moved
+reduction of his salary on account of alleged failure to take necessary
+steps to maintain high standard of single-minded disinterestedness in
+public service. Though nominally concerned with the PREMIER and the
+public service HOPE told a flattering tale which was a thinly veiled
+attack on that meek personage the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.
+
+ARCHER-SHEE, who followed, was less circuitous in his retrograde march
+on old Marconi quarters. Soon had Committee in state of uproar vainly
+combated by those champions of order, WINTERTON, ARTHUR MARKHAM and
+SWIFT MACNEILL. WINTERTON, whilst constitutionally forceful, was
+irresistibly irrelevant. Member for Pontefract venturing to offer an
+observation, WINTERTON shouted, "Order, pigeons!"
+
+Of course there were no pigeons about. An active mind, quick to seize a
+point, had harked back to DICK TURPIN BOOTH'S ride to Yorkshire in a
+race with carrier pigeons.
+
+MARKHAM denounced ARCHER-SHEE for delivering "a low attack that could
+not be answered." Accusation summarised by other Members with yell of
+"Coward!"
+
+As for SWIFT MACNEILL, ARCHER-SHEE presuming to rise simultaneously with
+one of his many upgettings, he turned upon him and roared, "Sit down,
+Sir!" Gallant Major so terrified that he incontinently fell back in his
+seat.
+
+To general discussion Members from various quarters of House contributed
+the observations, "Dirty lies!" "Coward!" "Caddish!" "Unspeakably low!"
+"Shut up!" Only for coolness, courage and prompt decision of WHITLEY in
+the Chair discreditable scene would have worthily taken its place among
+others that smirch pages of Parliamentary record. Having occupied two
+hours of time assumed to be valuable it died out from sheer exhaustion.
+On division what was avowedly vote of censure on PREMIER negatived by
+majority of 152.
+
+_Business done._--Summer storm in Committee of Supply.
+
+       * * *
+
+Illustration: _Lord MORLEY._"Thanks, I won't trouble you; I still
+have a crust left."
+
+["The noble marquis seemed to regard the Government as a shipwrecked
+mariner--I presume a pirate. If I am a pirate he is the last man to whom
+I should think of applying for aid, unless the distress was dire
+indeed."
+
+_Lord MORLEY._]
+
+       * * *
+
+_House of Lords, Thursday._--Second night of debate on Amending Bill to
+modify a measure not yet enacted. House crowded, evidently weighed down
+by a sense of direct responsibility at grave crisis. _Le brave_
+WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE has no patience with attitude of noble lords on
+Front Opposition Bench. Is congenitally prone to take a short way with
+dissenters. Came to the fore five years ago, when what HALDANE called
+LLOYD GEORGE'S first great Budget (eclipsed by his second) fell like a
+bomb in the Parliamentary arena. Whilst elder peers were disposed to
+temporise in view of constitutional difficulty, WILLOUGHBY had only
+three words to say--"Throw it out!"--MILNER adding a fearless remark
+about the consequences whose emphasis has been excelled only by Mrs.
+PATRICK CAMPBELL in _Pygmalion_. So the Budget was shattered on the rock
+of the House of Lords, and in swift reprisal with it went the supremacy
+of that ancient institution.
+
+Less effectual in his resistance to the Parliament Act which promptly
+followed, DE BROKE is insistent upon treating the Amending Bill as the
+Budget of 1909 was treated. Has moved its rejection and, in spite of
+HALSBURY, threatens to go to a division.
+
+Meanwhile LANSDOWNE, in weighty speech worthy great occasion, announces
+intention of voting for Second Reading of Bill, with intent to amend it
+in Committee. Originally planned that division should be taken to-night.
+So many peers have something to say that it is postponed till Monday.
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Amending (Home Rule) Bill continued.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE "FRESH AIR FUND": AN APPRECIATION.
+
+"THERE, NOW, AIN'T THAT A TREAT, BILLY? THERE AIN'T NO COUNTRY IN THE
+WORLD I LIKE SO MUCH AS ENGLAND."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW PROFESSIONAL HUMILITY.
+
+    ["I have always held a decided opinion that the less people trouble
+    themselves about literature the better for them."--_M. PIERRE LOTI_
+    (vide "_Daily Chronicle._")]
+
+_Sir THOMAS LIPTON._ How can a tea-drinking people hope to lift the Cup?
+Tannin is a poison fatal to the true sportsman.
+
+_The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER._ The interest taken in politics
+diverts attention from everything that really matters.
+
+_The POET LAUREATE._ Poetry is not only a drug on the market, it is a
+drug that narcotises and debilitates all true manhood.
+
+_Mr. EUSTACE H. MILES._ Vegetarianism is fit only for pigs. The noble
+king of the forest is a meat-eater.
+
+_Lord ROBERTS._ The military bias is the only obstacle to peace.
+
+_Mme. CLARA BUTT._ The human voice was given us for fish-hawking and
+encouraging football-players, not for singing.
+
+_Sir H. BEERBOHM TREE._ I cannot think why anyone goes to the theatre.
+It bores me horribly.
+
+_Mr. H. G. WELLS._ The past alone possesses interest for intelligent
+men.
+
+_Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON._ Orthodoxy, it has been said, is my doxy;
+heterodoxy is other people's doxy; but paradoxy is the devil's doxy.
+
+_Sir E. ELGAR._ Music? How can any serious man fiddle while Home is
+burning?
+
+_Sir E. J. POYNTER._ The Royal Academy is crushing the life out of
+English Art. The country's only hope is in Cubism.
+
+_Signor MARINETTI._ Your Royal Academy is the true Temple of Art. I
+never cross its threshold without first removing my sandals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RECORD CAST.
+
+    "A 3 lb. 15 oz. chub has been taken at Abingdon by Mr. A. Owen near
+    Henley."
+
+    _Field._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WHY SHOULD NOT PERSEVERING PETER OF THE PUSH-BIKE ADOPT,
+WHEN TRAVELLING, THE SAME SUPERCILIOUS ATTITUDE AS LANGUID LIONEL OF THE
+TOURING-CAR DE LUXE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JESTING OF JANE.
+
+(_In which it is explained how competent I am to keep the servants in
+their places even when their mistress is away._)
+
+  I like a good practical joke; as the garland adorning
+    The hair of a maiden it shines, as the balm that is shed
+  On the brain of a wandering minstrel; it comes without warning,
+    Transmuting to gold an existence that once was as lead.
+      It glads, it rejoices the soul; recollecting it after
+      One well-nigh explodes; but I say there are seasons for laughter,
+  And, like other great men, I am not at my best in the morning
+            When just out of bed.
+
+  So it was that last week, when the pitiless glare of Apollo
+    Was toasting the lawn till it looked like a segment of mat,
+  When I came to my breakfast at length from a lingering wallow
+    In a bath that professed to be cold--as I moodily sat
+      And observed how the heat on the pavements was momently doubling,
+      And hated the coffee for looking so brown and so bubbling,
+  And hated my paper, which seemed to expect me to follow
+            A prize-fight (my hat!)--
+
+  When I heard a great noise as though heaven was breaking asunder,
+    And "Thanks be to glory," said I, "for this merciful dole;
+  The rain! the beneficent rain! Will it lighten, I wonder?
+    I need not pack up, after all, for my cruise to the Pole;"
+      And my spirits revived and my appetite seemed to awaken,
+      And I said so to Jane as she brought in the kidneys and bacon;
+  I was vexed when she answered me pertly, "Why, that isn't thunder;
+            We're taking in coal!"
+
+  I say there _are_ limits. The girl may be decent and sunny,
+    Industrious, sober and what not; I don't care a bit;
+  But she hasn't a right on a day such as that to be funny,
+    With the glass at 120, confound her, the chit!
+      I refuse to submit to the whimsical wheeze of a servant
+      Just because Araminta's away and the weather is fervent,
+  So I said to her, "Wench, do you fancy you're taking my money
+            For work or for wit?
+
+  "What are parlourmaids coming to now with their insolent banter?
+    Command those uproarious ruffians to hop it, to _trek_
+  And fetch me a siphon or two and the whisky decanter;
+    Your notions of humour have left me exhausted and weak;
+      Take the breakfast away; disappointment has vanquished my hunger,
+      And afterwards go out at once to the nearest fishmonger
+  And order two cart-loads of icebergs. Obey me _instanter_,
+            Or leave in a week."
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Although weighing over 13 tons, Glendinning declares that an
+aircraft built from his designs could sail round the world without the
+slightest danger of calamity."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+Subject for Silly Season--Should Stout Men Boast?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUBBING IT IN.
+
+    [_The following article appears to have been intended for a popular
+    Halfpenny Daily, but as it has been sent to us we feel entitled to
+    print it._]
+
+TERRIFIC STRUGGLE.
+
+MR. LOWLY DEFEATS MR. GORMAN CRAWL.
+
+HOW I DID IT. BY FERDINAND LOWLY.
+
+Mr. Gorman Crawl's efforts to avoid defeat in his match with me in the
+semi-finals of the Dartmoor and West Dorset Championship was, I think,
+the finest exhibition of Lawn Tennis that has been seen for many a long
+day, and I congratulate those who were so fortunate as to witness the
+game. In the second set particularly, Mr. Crawl's play exhibited a
+consistent accuracy combined with activity of resource and hard hitting
+which, so far as I am aware, has rarely been equalled in the history of
+the pastime. He frequently returned drives down the side lines and cross
+volleys which I have always regarded as untakable, putting me in the
+position of having to repeat those strokes several times before I could
+make the ace. Even in the third set, Mr. Crawl certainly did not lose
+heart, as many might have done; in fact he gained vigour to such an
+extent that his play in the last games became not merely impetuous, but
+frenzied. Had I not possessed an iron nerve, Mr. Gorman Crawl might have
+snatched a game or two; and I feel sorry for my opponent when I recall
+that he only made five points in the set, one of which was due to a net
+cord stroke, and another to my accidentally treading on a ball. The
+final scores, as set forth in the "Stop Press" columns of one of the
+evening papers, were as follows:--
+
+  "Crawl beat Lowly ... 6--0. 6--0. 6--0,"
+
+and if the reader reverses the statement he will know the correct
+result. Mr. Gorman Crawl, after an exhibition which stultifies previous
+conceptions of what is possible in the way of offensive and defensive
+tactics, and which refutes once and for all the leading contentions in
+Mr. Wail's monumental work on the game, was beaten by me in three love
+sets.
+
+The game opened by my serving a double fault. I then found that I was
+using my Thursday's racket instead of Tuesday's. After a brief recess,
+during which, as I am informed, Mr. Gorman Crawl took in his belt one
+hole, the game proceeded. I served to my opponent's back hand, but,
+contrary to all rules laid down by Mr. Wail, he unexpectedly returned
+the ball to _my_ back hand. The result was that I failed to reach it. It
+then occurred to me that I ought to make sure I had no gravel in my
+shoes. I did this without leaving the court. When I had replaced my
+footwear and was preparing to serve again, I saw that Mr. Gorman Crawl
+was lying on the ground, apparently asleep. He started up, however, on
+the score being called a second time, and the game proceeded.
+
+Noticing that my opponent was standing a long way back, I now made a
+display of hitting the ball hard and then dropped it just over the net.
+Mr. Crawl did not notice what was happening till too late, and I not
+only took the ace but had the satisfaction of noticing that my opponent
+was breathing hard after his fruitless effort to reach the ball. I had,
+so to speak, drawn first blood. I repeated the ruse with my next
+service. Mr. Crawl, being now on the alert, reached the ball, but was
+unable to stop himself, and charged into the net, and the score was
+called "thirty all." A third time I brought off a drop serve; the ball
+was returned and I then tossed it with an undercut stroke to the base
+line. Mr. Crawl ran back, but the ball bounding high and with a strong
+break he lost sight of it, and after some intricate manoeuvres, in
+which he had the advantage of advice from the crowd, it eventually fell
+on his head, and I scored the ace. I had now only to make one point to
+reach the game, and I effected this by a high-kicking service that left
+my opponent petrified.
+
+During the set Mr. Crawl gradually got into his game, and, thanks to a
+strong instinct of self-preservation, he succeeded in returning, when up
+at the net, many of my drives at his chest and head which I had thought
+were sure of their mark. His play in the last rally, when the score
+stood at "5 games to 0 and 40 love" in my favour, called forth loud
+applause, and I had to do all I knew to prevent him winning an ace which
+might have resulted in his eventually capturing the game.
+
+At this point an incident occurred which has been variously reported.
+The facts are that, before embarking on the second set, Mr. Gorman Crawl
+petitioned the referee that I should be required to remove my tie. The
+tie referred to is my well-known tennis tie. It is a Mascot, as I
+associate all my successes on the court during the past four years with
+this tie. It is a large scarlet bow with vivid green and white spots the
+size of halfpenny pieces, arranged astigmatically. Mr. Crawl said the
+cravat held his eye and put him off his game, and complained that there
+were so many spots in front of him that he did not know which was the
+ball. I am glad to be able to add the testimony of such a first string
+man as Mr. Gorman Crawl to the merits of the "Lowly Patent Tennis Tie"
+(Registered No. 273125/1911, price _2s. 9d._, of all Gunsmiths and
+Sports Outfitters). I explained to the referee that the tie was a
+well-known patent and that, if he ruled it out and disqualified the tie,
+a promising industry would be irretrievably ruined. The referee
+naturally declined to take such a responsibility and ordered the game to
+proceed, and we took our places on the course. When, however, I faced
+Mr. Crawl I found that he had pulled down the sleeve of his shirt over
+his hand and buttoned it round the handle of his racket. The effect was
+most disconcerting, for the racket appeared to be part of his body--as
+if, in fact, he had two elbow joints, and the face of the bat was the
+palm of his hand. Moreover it was impossible to anticipate the direction
+of his shots. When forty love had been scored against me I appealed to
+the referee. The result of that interview was that M. Gorman Crawl
+courteously unbuttoned his sleeve, and I with equal courtesy removed my
+tie. The episode was greeted with loud applause, and for my part I felt
+amply repaid for the sacrifice I had made by the gain in popularity.
+
+I have already referred to the strenuous character of Mr. Gorman Crawl's
+efforts in this set. The following is the rally for the third ace in the
+fifth game, given in the notation invented by Mr. Wail, though not yet
+generally adopted. The diagram will be found in the third volume of Mr.
+Wail's book, _How to be always right_.
+
+  CRAWL.                 LOWLY.
+
+  1. RS to SL2.         1. BR1 to LK5.
+  2. LP3 to RT4.        2. KL to LK4.
+  3. PK4 to LK5. (Ch.)  4. K x R.
+  5. P x K.             5. B x P.
+  6. Resigns.
+
+At the conclusion of the match I shook hands with Mr. Gorman Crawl
+across the net before he could leave the court, and loudly congratulated
+him on his brilliant struggle. I now have to meet Mr. "U. R. Beete" in
+the final round, and if successful my match for the Championship with
+Mr. "Y. R. U. Sadd" will be played, weather permitting, on Tuesday at 3
+o'clock, and should be well worth seeing.
+
+  NOTES.
+
+Mr. Gasp has exchanged the cheese scoop, which is identified with the
+championship of South Rutlandshire, for a fish-slice.
+
+Mr. Bloshclick, who lately won the South-West Devon Singles
+Championship at Sidmouth, is not a native of Antananarivo, as has been
+stated, but is, we are informed, of Zulu origin.
+
+We regret to report that Mr. Wail met with an unfortunate accident at
+Broadstairs ten days ago. As a spectator at the annual Lawn Tennis
+Tournament he was demonstrating to a group of experts the methods which
+Mr. Wilding ought properly to employ in making his lifting forehand
+drive, when he struck himself a violent blow on the head, partly
+severing the right ear. This is the second time Mr. Wail has met with
+the accident, but we are glad to hear that he is making a satisfactory
+recovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Tramp_ (_suddenly appearing at riverside camping
+party_). "BEG YER PARDON, GUV'NOR, BUT COULD YER LEND ME A BATHIN'
+SUIT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Cigarette Makers (Female), round and flat."--_Advt. in "Daily
+    Chronicle."_
+
+Who makes round cigarettes (or flat) should herself be round (or flat)
+respectively.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED.--Anything old to do with the Church or Church Services;
+    preference given to examples with dates or inscriptions."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Challenge."_
+
+We were just going to offer our Vicar, but he has no inscription on him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLATITUDES: THE NEW GAME.
+
+It is based on "Bromides" and any one can play it. The least educated
+has a chance of winning and an Oxford degree is no bar to success--quite
+the reverse, in fact; indeed I have known dons....
+
+This is how it is played. Two people are seated in easy-chairs, for it
+has been found that you cannot be too comfortable for this game; any
+discomfort is apt to excite the mind, to disturb the grey matter, to
+interfere with that complete repose which is so essential a feature of
+the contest. These two are the players. They indulge in small talk and
+the smaller talker wins. The object of each player is to make such
+inanely conventional remarks that his opponent is reduced to silence.
+For example you are sitting next to a bishop, and it falls to you to
+start the conversation. Of course you don't say anything like "How sad
+about this Kikuyu business." No, you open like this. "Are you fond of
+dancing?" you say. The bishop will reply coldly, "It is many years since
+I danced." You sigh and murmur, "Ah! the dear old days!" I cannot
+imagine what his lordship will say next.
+
+Of course the conversation in Platitudes must be connected and coherent.
+There is no use repeating "Wollah wollah, gollah gollah, ASQUITH must
+go, We want eight," or things of that sort. And you must not make mere
+blank statements like "The number of cigars annually imported into the
+U.S.A. is 26,714,811," unless they can be introduced deftly into the
+conversation.
+
+You must imagine yourself paying a call in a London drawing-room, and
+you must say nothing that would not be possible and indeed suitable in
+that _milieu_. To attempt to arouse any interest or show any
+intelligence is wrong, but then neither must you betray any sign of
+actual imbecility. Anything that approaches gibbering cannot be too
+strongly condemned.
+
+The players speak in turn and quotations are not allowed (at least not
+from living writers). The question as to whose talk is the smaller of
+the two is so much a matter of taste that the game can only be decided
+by an umpire or by the votes of the spectators. But there is seldom
+much doubt. It is not uncommon for one of the players to break down and
+become almost hysterical, and few can hold out long against one of the
+champions. Some people allow facial expression and general demeanour to
+count, but this I do not recommend. It gives some an unfair advantage,
+and I have known it lead to unpleasantness.
+
+Perhaps a short sample will give a better idea of the game than any
+description. I take one from a little tournament in which I competed a
+few days ago. I was highly commended, but it was thought I displayed a
+little too much intelligence. This is one of the pleasing features of
+Platitudes; when one loses, things like that are somehow said, as they
+are never said, for instance, at Bridge. From this specimen the beginner
+will learn the right style and method. Only by study of the best models
+and by constant practice can he attain anything like proficiency.
+
+_He._ What a world we live in, do we not? (_This is a very common
+opening._)
+
+_She._ Yes, to be sure. Dear, dear!
+
+_He._ The age is so complex, so full of rush and hurry. Everyone is
+running after money, are they not?
+
+_She._ They are not. I mean they are.
+
+_He_ (_heaving a sigh_). How sad it is!
+
+_She_ (_in a tone of gentle correction_). It is deplorable. Did you read
+Mr. Goldstein's speech the other day? I thought it so sweet! He said
+that the possession of wealth entailed great responsibilities.
+
+_He._ How like him! (_After a pause_) And how true! Yes, things are in a
+bad way.
+
+_She._ How one deplores these strikes.
+
+_He_ (_sternly_). They ought to be shot.
+
+_She._ Too dreadful. I think it is so terrible when quite nice people
+are positively inconvenienced. It makes one think of the French
+Revolution.
+
+_He._ Ah! Yes, the French Revolution. Well, well, the good old days are
+gone.
+
+_She._ Yes, they have quite gone.
+
+_He_ (_sighing heavily_). Dear, dear, dear, dear! May I have some
+teacake?
+
+_She._ Oh do! but I'm afraid they're cold.
+
+_He._ I like them cold. I think they are so much cooler then.
+
+_She._ They are a shade less warm.
+
+[_There was a short interval here when the supporters of each party
+gathered round and gave advice and encouragement. The lady seemed as
+fresh as a fiddle, but the man was very exhausted and had to have a
+spirituous stimulant. After a quarter-of-an-hour's interval the game was
+resumed._]
+
+_She._ Look at the fashionable ladies and their dogs! The sums they
+lavish on them!
+
+_He._ Oh, it's disgraceful. The Government ought to do something.
+
+_She._ I call it wicked.
+
+_He_ (_much struck with this_). You are quite right.
+
+_She._ But mind you, I'm fond of animals myself.
+
+_He._ Oh, so am I. I dote on dogs. You know, I call the horse a noble
+animal--that's what I call the horse.
+
+_She_ (_after a pause_). I call the camel the ship of the desert.
+
+_He._ Ah, very witty, very clever. I see you have a sense of humour.
+"Ship of the desert"--that's good.
+
+_She._ Yes, I don't know what I should have done without my sense of
+humour.
+
+_He_ (_sharply_). No more do I.
+
+_She_ (_confidentially_). You know, I think dogs should be treated _as_
+dogs. They should be kept in their proper places. I like them best in
+the country, you know. Don't you?
+
+_He._ Yes. I think the country is the place for all animals. One sees so
+many there--at least in some places.
+
+_She._ I am so fond of the country. It is so restful. The old oaks and
+the buttercups and the village rector and the dear cows. I don't know
+what we should do without them.
+
+_He._ That's what I say. Where would England be without the country?
+
+_She._ Ah, yes. "Far from the madding crowd," as the poet says.
+
+_He._ Yes. What a great poet MILTON is, to be sure.
+
+_She._ Oh, delightful! And don't you like Miss WHEELER WILCOX?
+
+_He._ Of course--ripping, yes, of course. Her poems of pleasure--her
+poems of passion, her--well, in fact, all her poems.
+
+_She._ Quite.
+
+At this point the man broke down altogether and began to gibber. But he
+recovered in time to see the prize unanimously voted to the lady. This
+consisted of a volume of Mr. ----, but perhaps I had better not mention
+names; it might be liable to misconstruction. I hope I have said enough
+to show what a fascinating and delightful game it is. No appliances are
+required (as with dominoes), except one's own nimble brain; and I think
+Platitudes will soon sweep the country. Signs are not wanting that
+Clumps and Dumb Crambo are already becoming back numbers in the best
+circles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The military dirigible Koerting made the wound in the leg of Baron
+    de Rothschild. It was found to have flattened itself against the
+    bone."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+"The Koerting; so it is," said the Baron, when shown the X-ray
+photograph of his calf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOURS IN FACT AND FANCY.
+
+  Tell me not of Western Islands
+    Or some bonnie loch or ben
+  Of those hustled haunts, the Highlands;
+    I'm not going there again.
+
+  Cease from cackling so cocksurely
+    Of some heavenly woodland dell
+  Where the pipes of Pan blow purely;
+    I have sampled these as well.
+
+  Do not harp upon your hollow
+    Tales of Somewhere-by-the-Sea
+  Patronised by Ph. Apollo;
+    'Tisn't good enough for me.
+
+  No, nor urge me, friend, to hasten
+    To your "cloudless alien climes,"
+  Hungering for my Fleece like Jason--
+    I've been fleeced there many times.
+
+  No, not one of your romances
+    Can, I say, provide a lure;
+  Not one spot on earth's expanses
+    For my ailment find a cure.
+
+  Others may enjoy each jolly day
+    Somewhere with their hard-earned pelf;
+  But, for me, I want a holiday
+    From my super-silly self.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NUT.
+
+From a story in _Munsey's Magazine_:
+
+    "My father was a clergyman in a college community; and that explains
+    my home in a nutshell."
+
+It doesn't. The father should have been a vegetarian in a Garden City
+community.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Captain Roald Amundsen has qualified for his pilot's certificate at
+    the military camp near Christiania. An officer of the Flying Corps
+    first took him for a preliminary flight round the course, showing
+    him what tests were required. Suddenly the elevator broke and the
+    aeroplane fell nose downwards to the ground 40 feet below. Captain
+    Amundsen escaped unhurt."--_South Wales Echo._
+
+So he got through the first test all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SMALL SURREY SCORE.
+
+    ONLY HAYES AND HITCH SHINE AT NORTHAMPTON."
+
+    _Westminster Gazette._
+
+Surrey should have been at home, where HAYES and HITCH would have found
+an excellent third in Old Sol, who shone at his best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CLACTON.--A Lady would be glad to hear of anyone wishing to Join
+    House-Party from August 14th to September 10th. Minute from sea and
+    ten golf links."--_Advt. in "Times."_
+
+Personally we find that, at our usual rate of divot-removing, five
+golf-links will last us a month. Ten is an unnecessary extravagance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Polite little boy_ (_suffering from repletion_). "OH,
+PLEASE MISS, DON'T ASK ME TO HAVE ANY MORE; I CAN'T SAY NO."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_).
+
+I think I should have detected what was the primary Trouble with _A Lad
+of Kent_ (MACMILLAN) if Mr. HERBERT HARRISON had given me any
+opportunity of studying _Lord Haresfield_ at closer quarters. Upon the
+material vouchsafed it was impossible to spot in him the villain of the
+piece; I was only allowed to meet him at two brief interviews,
+throughout which he was consistently courteous and kind, with nothing of
+the murderer about him. There was, in this connection, not only
+_suppressio veri_, but even some _suggestio falsi_; at any rate I still
+have great difficulty in believing that a man so obviously intelligent
+and diplomatic could have initiated schemes so unnecessarily elaborate
+and entirely incompetent for the mere removal of an unknown and
+fatherless village youth. I make these observations only as in duty
+bound; for myself, I didn't care twopence who was trying to get rid of
+_Phillip_, or why. Provided they didn't succeed, I was content to leave
+them at it and enjoy the fascinating picture of life in a sea-coast
+village in the good old days when everybody was busy either in
+preventing or assisting the "free trade" when a press-gang might come
+along at any moment and steal a man or two without so much as by your
+leave, and, generally speaking, things moved. Mr. HARRISON has a
+delightful style, a perfect sympathy with the times of which he writes,
+and no small gift of characterization. Frankly, I don't believe he
+attaches any more importance to his plot than I do, for he is quite
+content to leave it to itself for several chapters on end.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Double House_ (STANLEY PAUL) began attractively with a retired
+Indian colonel who had a mysterious sorrow and wished to betake himself
+to some quiet English hamlet "where echoes from his past might never
+penetrate." Of course this could hardly be called wise of the Colonel;
+the slightest knowledge of quiet English neighbourhoods in fiction or
+the drama might have assured him that towards the end of Act I somebody
+was simply bound to turn up who knew all. However, he rented one half of
+a divided old manor house, and, even when informed that the other half
+was inhabited by a widow of quiet habits, he apparently did not share my
+own instant certainty that there were coincidences ahead. As a matter of
+fact E. EVERETT-GREEN, the author, had so arranged matters that this
+lady was the sister-in-law of a wicked murderer, for whose crime the
+gallant _Colonel_ had himself been tried. So much for his past; but as a
+matter of fact that of the lady was ever so much more sinister. She had,
+it appeared, married a gentleman called _Paul Enderby_, only to learn
+after the ceremony that her husband had a twin-brother _Saul_, who must
+have been the twinniest twin that ever breathed, since at no moment
+could any living soul tell the two apart. I won't harrow you with
+details, but the confusion was such that, even after the unlamented
+decease of _Paul_, poor bewildered _Mrs. Enderby_ was by no means sure
+that she wasn't only a bereaved sister-in-law. Her sad plight reminded
+me of nothing so much as that of the lady in _Engaged_ who entreated to
+have three questions answered: "Am I a widow, and if so how came I to be
+a widow, and whose widow came I to be?" The great difference between the
+two cases is that this of _Mrs. Enderby_ is meant to be taken with
+solemnity--a task that I regret to add was too heavy for me. I am only
+sorry that so charming a title as _The Double House_ has been so sadly
+wasted.
+
+       * * *
+
+If a wicked male novelist had dared to write _Jacynth_ (CONSTABLE) I
+tremble to imagine the things that certain fair critics would have said
+about him. But since a woman is the creator, and one, moreover, with the
+well-won reputation of Miss STELLA CALLAGHAN, what is there to say?
+After all she must know. As a portrait of futility, _Jacynth_ is the
+most mercilessly realistic thing that I have met for some time. Pretty,
+brainless, egotistical, utterly unable ever to understand even the least
+of the men who loved her--this was _Jacynth_. The picture is so
+unsparing that (though I am not calling the book a masterpiece or free
+from dull moments) the very completeness of the dreadful thing
+fascinates you unwillingly. _Jacynth_ was the typical product of a
+seaside town, where she was adored by two men--a young squire and a
+famous novelist. I was just a little bored by her beginnings, especially
+when she sprained her ankle--a gambit I had imagined _demode_ even with
+the most provincial of heroines. However, _Jacynth_ married the
+novelist, and after the honeymoon settled down to a steady course of
+fatuousness and general interference with his work which presently
+reduced the poor man to exasperation, and finally constrained him to
+pack her off on a prolonged visit to the seaside home of her maidenhood.
+After that _Jacynth_ went from worse to worst; too preposterous a fool
+even to be greatly moved when she brought tragedy into the lives of
+those who came under her malign influence. I will not follow her
+vicissitudes in detail. Throughout the book the most sinister thing in
+her story was to me the fact that a woman had written it. Moreover I
+have a lurking suspicion that the portrait is no imaginary one. Perhaps
+this is a high tribute to Miss CALLAGHAN'S skill; it certainly is meant
+to be a compliment to her courage.
+
+       * * *
+
+  I've often longed to come upon
+    Some giant spoor and dog the track till
+  I ran to earth a mastodon,
+    A dinosaur, a pterodactyl;
+  But I supposed my natal date--
+    However distantly I view it--
+  Was several thousand years too late
+    To give me any chance to do it.
+
+  And yet Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE
+    Has found a man who's penetrated
+  Through bush and swamp on virgin soil
+    And seen the things I've indicated,
+  Creatures with names that clog your pen--
+    Dimorphodon and plesiosaurus--
+  And carried home a specimen
+    To silence any doubting chorus.
+
+  In _The Lost World_[A] the tale is told
+    (SMITH, ELDER do it cheap) in diction
+  So circumstantial that its hold
+    Is more than that of common fiction;
+  If you can run the story through,
+    By aid of portraits when you need it,
+  And not be half convinced it's true,
+    You simply don't deserve to read it.
+
+[Footnote A: New Edition, with illustrations.]
+
+       * * *
+
+There is nothing wrong with Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS' latest collection of
+short stories, _The Judge's Chair_ (MURRAY), but there is something
+vigorously to protest against upon the wrapper that covers them. For
+there I found an uncompromising statement to the effect that these
+stories "bring to a conclusion the author's Dartmoor work," and no
+sooner had I read it than my heart sank into my heels. Solemnly I plead
+with him to reconsider this decision, for if he does not his innumerable
+admirers will be deprived of something almost as annual and quite as
+enjoyable as Christmas. If he wants a holiday let him have one by all
+means, though personally I was not pleased when he left Dartmoor for
+Italy. But let it be only a holiday, a break in his real business. As
+for the book, I advise everyone who can appreciate dry humour and quaint
+philosophy to sit behind _The Judge's Chair_. "The Two Farmers" is in
+its way a masterpiece, grim and very real, and there is not the ghost of
+a sign in the whole collection that Mr. PHILLPOTTS has written of
+Dartmoor until he is tired of it or it of him. He has made a niche for
+himself in that old temple of Nature, and we must all try to persuade
+him to stay there.
+
+       * * *
+
+I have been reading a book, written by the Rev. H. S. PELHAM, and
+published by MACMILLAN, which is at least twenty times as absorbing and
+moving as any novel. It is called _The Training of a Working Boy_. I
+daresay you may have met with other volumes on something like the same
+theme before, and may suppose you know all about camps and evening
+schools and blind-alley employment and the rest of it. But I am pretty
+well sure that you have read nothing more practical and human on the
+questions of boydom. It is, indeed, the humanity, sympathetic and more
+than half humorous, of Mr. PELHAM'S attitude that gives his book its
+appeal and incidentally, I fancy, explains his success with the object
+of it. His little volume is a plea for personal rather than pecuniary
+help, and is directed more especially to Midlanders, since its chief
+concern is with the boy population of Birmingham. I can only wish for it
+the largest possible number of readers in the shires and elsewhere,
+since to read it is inevitably to be moved to active sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THIS PICTURE ILLUSTRATES THE DEADLY STRUGGLE WHICH GOES
+ON DAILY BETWEEN RIVAL SEASIDE RESORTS. IT REPRESENTS A PARTY OF
+HIRELINGS IN THE PAY OF WOBBLETHORPE-ON-SEA ENGAGED IN RUNNING UP THE
+RAINFALL OF LITTLE BLINKINGTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The selection of a player for the leading _role_, that of Pallas
+    Athene, the beautiful goddess of Greek mythology, was successfully
+    accomplished when Miss Genevieve Clark, the pretty and vivacious
+    daughter of Speaker Clark, consented to take the part. Those who
+    know Miss Clark and Greek mythology will realise at once that there
+    will be a natural affinity between the player and the character."
+
+    _Washington (D. C.) Post._
+
+We never actually met Pallas Athene, but have always heard of her as
+being neither very pretty nor vivacious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 8, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 8, 1914 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 29217.txt or 29217.zip *****
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