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diff --git a/29227-8.txt b/29227-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0730c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/29227-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4231 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Politician Out-Witted, by Samuel Low + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Politician Out-Witted + +Author: Samuel Low + +Release Date: June 26, 2009 [EBook #29227] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Brownfox and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +TRANSCRIBERS' NOTES + +This e-book contains the text of _The Politician Out-witted_, extracted +from Representative Plays by American Dramatists: Vol 1, 1765-1819. +Comments and background to all the plays and the other plays are available +at Project Gutenberg. + +Spelling as in the original has been preserved. + + + + +THE + +POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED + + +_By_ SAMUEL LOW + + + + +SAMUEL LOW + +(b. December 12, 1765) + + +Very little is known about the author of "The Politician Out-witted,"[1] a +play which I have selected as representative of the efforts of the American +drama, as early as 1789, to reflect the political spirit of the time. +Assiduous search on the part of the present editor has failed to bring to +light any information from any of the historical societies regarding Mr. +Low, except that he was born on December 12, 1765, and that he must have +been, in his political sympathies, an anti-federalist. The reader who is +interested in literary comparisons might take this play of Low's and read +it in connection with Dunlap's "The Father," in which a prologue gives a +very excellent example of the American spirit. Dunlap's "Darby's Return" +might likewise be read in connection with "The Politician Out-witted," +inasmuch as it refers to the Federal Constitution, and to Washington's +inauguration. + +The present play, which was opposed to the Federal union, was, according to +some authorities, offered to the actors, Hallam and Henry, and was promptly +rejected by them. There is no record of the piece having thereafter +succeeded in reaching the theatre. It is mentioned both in Dunlap and in +Seilhamer in a casual manner. + +In the New York Directory, of 1794, we find Samuel Low mentioned as a clerk +in the Treasury Department, and, in a later Directory of 1797-1798, he is +referred to as the first bookkeeper in the Bank of New York.[2] + +In the preface to his published poems, after the diffident manner of the +time, Low says: "Many of the pieces were written at a very early age, and +most of them under singular disadvantages; among which, application to +public business, for many years past, was not the least; not only because +it allowed little leisure for literary pursuits, but because it is of a +nature peculiarly inimical to the cultivation of poetic talent. For his own +amusement and improvement he has written--at the request of his friends he +publishes." + +We know that he was a writer of odes, exhibiting some grace in his handling +of this poetic form. He is also credited with having written a long poem +entitled "Winter Displayed," in 1794. In 1800, two volumes of poems +appeared in New York, and among the subscribers listed were John Jacob +Astor, William Dunlap, Philip Hone, Dr. Peter Irving, and members of the +Beekman and Schermerhorn families.[3] Examining the contents of these +volumes, one discovers that Samuel Low, in a social and fraternal way, must +have been a very active member of New York society. On January 8, 1800, his +"Ode on the Death of Washington" was recited by Hodgkinson at the New York +Theatre. + +At St. Paul's Church, and at Trinity Church, his anthems and odes were ever +to the fore. He must have been a member of the Tammany Society, or +Columbian Order, because a "Hymn to Liberty" was penned by him, and sung in +church on the anniversary of that organization, May 12, 1790. + +His Masonic interests are indicated throughout the volume by poems written +especially for such orders as the Holland Lodge, and the Washington Chapter +of Royal Arch Masons. He was also asked to write an epitaph on John +Frederick Roorbach. + +His interest in politics may likewise be seen in several poems written +about the Constitution of the United States; while his literary taste may +be measured by his tribute to Kotzebue, the "second Shakespeare," in which +occur the lines: + + "_The purest, sweetest among modern bards + Who tread the difficult dramatic path._" + + +Except for this, as one of the biographical sources says, nothing is known +of Low's history, "and he is only saved from absolute oblivion by his two +small volumes of poems." + +Yet "The Politician Out-witted" has historical value, and, in its dialogue, +exhibits how well Low had studied the artificial comedy of Sheridan. The +construction of the plot is mechanical, but the convictions of the two +opposing fathers, on the subject of the Constitution, give the play an +interest in character and in viewpoint which is marked. It is not a piece +adapted to the theatre, there being slight action of a cumulative kind; +but, as an example of early closet drama, it cannot be ignored. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] The/Politician Out-witted,/a/Comedy,/In Five Acts./Written in the +Year 1788./By an American./"Then let not Censure, with malignant +joy,/"The harvest of his humble hope destroy!"/Falconer's Shipwreck. +[Colophon.]/New-York:/Printed for the Author, by W. Ross, in +Broad-Street,/and Sold by the Different Booksellers./ M. DCC. LXXXIX./ + +[2] Through the assiduous researches of a member of the staff of the +Americana Division of the New York Public Library, who has generously +given me permission to use the results of this investigation, there is +brought to light, in the New York Directory for 1803, the name of Widow +Ann Low, keeper of a boarding-house. There is a plausible theory framed +by this investigator that, maybe, Samuel Low died during the New York +yellow fever epidemic of 1803, although his name does not occur in the +New York _Evening Post_ death lists for that year. It may be that our +Samuel, as revealed in the annals of the Dutch Reform Church, v. 1, p. +273; v. 32, p. 23 (New York Geneological and Biographical Society), +married Anne Creiger, as recorded on April 20, 1797, and that she may be +the "Widow Ann" referred to above. The Nicholas Low mentioned in the +Directories of the time as President of the Bank of New York, and who +was well-to-do, must have been the brother, or some near relation. There +are many Samuel Lows of this period; one (1739-1807) mentioned in the D. +A. R. Lineage, v. 15; another who married Margaret Kip. The nearest we +get to our Low's parentage is a reference, in the Reports of the New +York Geneological and Biographical Society, v. 29, p. 36, to John and +Susanna Low, whose son, Samuel, was, born December 22, 1765. +Identification has yet to be established. + +[3] Poems, By Samuel Low. In two volumes. New York: Printed by T. & J. +Swords. 1800. + + + + +[Illustration: THE + +POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED, + +A + +COMEDY, + +IN FIVE ACTS. + + +Written in the YEAR 1788. + + +BY AN AMERICAN. + + + "Then let not Censure, with malignant joy, + The harvest of his humble hope destroy!" + +_Falconer's Shipwreck._ + +NEW-YORK: + +PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR, BY W. ROSS, IN BROAD-STREET, AND SOLD BY THE +DIFFERENT BOOKSELLERS. + + +M. DCC. LXXXIX. + +FAC-SIMILE TITLE-PAGE TO THE 1789 EDITION] + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ + + +MEN. + +TRUEMAN. +OLD LOVEYET. +CHARLES LOVEYET, _engaged to_ HARRIET. +FRANKTON, _his Friend_. +WORTHNOUGHT. +HUMPHRY. +TOUPEE. +THOMAS. + + +WOMEN. + +HARRIET, _daughter to_ TRUEMAN. +MARIA, _her Friend_. +TABITHA CANTWELL. +HERALD. +DOLLY. + +SCENE--The city of New-York. Time of four acts is one day, and the + fifth act commences the second day. + + + + +THE + +POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED + + + + +ACT I. + + +SCENE I. _OLD LOVEYET'S House._ + +_Enter OLD LOVEYET._ + +Ugh, ugh, ugh,--what a sad rage for novelty there is in this foolish world! +How eagerly all your inspectors in the _Daily Advertiser_, the _New-York +Packet_, and all the long catalogue of advertisers and intelligencers, +catch'd at the news of the day just now at the Coffee-House; though a wise +man and a king has told them, there's nothing new under the sun. Ugh, ugh, +ugh. + +_Enter THOMAS._ + +Well, Thomas, what's the news? [_Eagerly._ + +THOMAS. Nothing strange, sir. + +LOVEYET. That's more than I can say, Thomas, for I'm sure 'tis strange to +hear so many people praise this same new Constitution, as it is +call'd.--Has the _New-York Journal_ been brought to-day? + +THOMAS. Yes, sir. + + [_Fetches the newspaper._ + +LOVEYET. Look if it contains anything worth reading, Thomas; anything in +behalf of the good old cause. + +THOMAS. Yes, sir, here's something will suit your honour's notion to a +hair. + + [_Offers it to LOVEYET._ + +LOVEYET. No, Thomas, do you read it,--I'm afraid I shall cast my eyes upon +something that's on the other side of the question; some wicked +consolidation scheme or another. + +THOMAS. Why, you know, sir, there's never anything in this paper but what's +on your side of the question. + +LOVEYET. True, true; by my body, you're right enough, Tom.--I forgot that: +but never mind; since you've got the paper, do you read it. + +THOMAS. He only wants me to read, because he can't see to do it +himself,--he's almost as blind as a bat, and yet he won't use spectacles +for fear of being thought old. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. Come, Thomas, let's have it,--I'm all ears to hear you. + +THOMAS. 'Tis a pity you have not a little more eyesight and brains along +with your ears. [_Aside._] [_Reads._] "Extract of a letter from a gentleman +in Boston, dated February the third, 1788.--Our convention will pass the +federal government by a considerable majority: The more it is examined, the +more converts are made for its adoption. This you may rely on." + +LOVEYET. 'Tis a cursed lie.--Why, why, you confounded scoundrel, do you +mean to ridicule your master? + +THOMAS. I ask pardon, sir; I thought it was the _New-York Journal_; but I +see it is Mr. Child's _Daily Advertiser_. + +LOVEYET. A plague on his aristocratic intelligence!--Begone, you vile foe +to American Liberty, or I'll-- + + [_Exit THOMAS._ + +_Enter TRUEMAN._ + +What, my friend Trueman! well, what's the news, eigh? + +TRUEMAN. I have not learn'd a single monosyllable, sir. + +LOVEYET. Nothing concerning this same Constitution there is so much talk +about, friend Horace? A miserable Constitution, by the bye. If mine was no +better,--ugh, ugh, ugh,--I say, if--ugh, ugh, if my constitution was no +better than this same political one, I solemnly swear, as true as I am this +day, man and boy, two score and three years, five months, eleven days, six +hours, and, and,--[_Pulling out his watch._] fifty-nine minutes old; why, +I--I--I would,--I don't know what I wou'd not do. Ugh, ugh. + +TRUEMAN. Mr. Loveyet, you run on in such a surprising manner with your +narrations, imprecations, admirations, and interrogations, that, upon my +education, sir, I believe you are approaching to insanity, frenzy, lunacy, +madness, distraction,--a man of your age-- + +LOVEYET. Age, sir, age!--And what then, sir, eigh! what then? I'd have you +to know, sir, that I shall not have lived forty years till next spring +twelvemonth, old as I am; and if my countenance seems to belie me a little +or so, why--trouble, concern for the good of my country, sir, and this +tyrannical, villainous Constitution have made me look so; but my health is +sound, sir; my lungs are good, sir, [_Raising his voice._]--ugh, ugh, +ugh,--I am neither spindle-shank'd nor crook-back'd, and I can kiss a +pretty girl with as good a relish as--ugh, ugh,--ha, ha, ha. A man of five +and forty, old, forsooth! ha, ha. My age, truly!--ugh, ugh, ugh. + +TRUEMAN. You talk very valiantly, Mr. Loveyet; very valiantly indeed; I +dare say now you have temerity and enterprise enough, even at this time of +day, to take a _wife_. + +LOVEYET. To be sure I have. Let me see,--I shou'd like a woman an inch or +two less than six feet high now, and thick in proportion: By my body, such +a woman wou'd look noble by the side of me when she was entient. + +TRUEMAN. Oh, monstrous! Entient! an entient woman by the side of an antient +husband! Most preposterous, unnatural, and altogether incongruous! + +LOVEYET. Poh, a fig for your high-flown nonsense. I suppose you think it +would cost me a great deal of trouble. + +TRUEMAN. No, no; some clever young blade will save you the trouble. + +LOVEYET. By my body, I should love dearly to have such a partner; she would +be a credit to me when she had me under the arm. + +TRUEMAN. Under the _thumb_, you mean. + +LOVEYET. Under the _Devil_, _you_ mean. + +TRUEMAN. You're right; you might as well be under the Devil's government as +petticoat government; you're perfectly right there. + +LOVEYET. I'm not perfectly right;--I--I--I mean _you_ are not perfectly +right; and as for her age, why I should like her to be--let me see--about +ten years younger than myself: a man shou'd be at least ten years older +than his wife. + +TRUEMAN. Ten years; fifty-three and ten are sixty-three. Then you mean your +wife shall be fifty-three years of age. + +LOVEYET. S'death, sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: She +sha'n't be more than thirty odd, sir, and she shall be ten years younger +than I am too. + +TRUEMAN. Yes, thirty odd years younger than _you_ are; ha, ha. The exiguity +of those legs is a most promising earnest of your future exploits, and +demonstrate your agility, virility, salubrity, and amorosity; ha, ha, ha. I +can't help laughing to think what a blessed union there will be between +August and December; a jolly, buxom, wanton, wishful, plethoric female of +thirty odd, to an infirm, decrepit, consumptive, gouty, rheumatic, +asthmatic, phlegmatic mortal of near seventy; ha, ha. Exquisitely droll +and humourous, upon my erudition. It puts me in mind of a hot bed in a hard +winter, surrounded with ice, and made verdant and flourishing only by +artificial means. + +LOVEYET. Pshaw, you're a fool! + +_Enter TOUPEE._ + +TOUPEE. Pardonnez moy, monsieur. I hope it not be any intrusion; par dieu, +I will not frize dat Jantemon à la mode Paris no more, becase he vas fronte +me. + +TRUEMAN. What's the matter, Mr. Toupee? + +TOUPEE. I vill tella your honare of the fracas. I vas vait on monsieur +a--choses, and make ma compliment avec beaucoup de grace, ven monsieur vas +read de news papier; so I say, is your honare ready for be dress? De great +man say, "No--, d--n de barbare." [_In a low voice._] I tell de parsone, +sare, I have promise 'pon honare for dress one great man vat is belong to +de Congress, 'bout dis time, sans manquer: De ansare vas (excuse moy, +monsieur), "go to h-ll, if you be please; I must read 'bout de +Constitution." Dis is de ole affair, monsieur, en verité. + +LOVEYET. Sixty-three, indeed! Heaven forbid! But if I was so old, my +constitution is good; age is nothing, the constitution is all,--ugh, ugh, +ugh. + +TOUPEE. Sare, you vill give me leaf, vat is dat Constitution? + +LOVEYET. Hold your prating, you booby. + +TOUPEE. You booby,--Vat is dat booby, I vonder! + +TRUEMAN. Ha, ha, a good constitution! With great propriety did the man ask +you what constitution you meant. Ha, ha, ha. + +TOUPEE. Par Dieu, monsieur de Schoolmastare sall larn a me vat is de booby! +oui, an de Constitution,--foy d'Homme d'Honneur. + +TRUEMAN. What a figure for a sound constitution! ha, ha. + +LOVEYET. Ugh, hang you for an old simpleton! Talk of _my_ age and +constitution.--Ugh, ugh, ugh. + + [_Exit._ + +TRUEMAN. Fractious old blockhead! + +TOUPEE. Blockhead! Pourquoi you call a mine head von block, sare? + +TRUEMAN. I mean that old curmudgeon who goes hobbling along there, like a +man of forty. + +TOUPEE. Pardonnez moy, monsieur; S'il vous plaît, ve make de +éclaircissement, if you tell me vat is de interpretation--you booby. + +TRUEMAN. What! have you the effrontery to call me a booby? S'death, you +scoundrel, what do you mean? + +TOUPEE. Vous ne m'entendez pas. [_Hastily._ + +TRUEMAN. Do you threaten me, you insignificant thing? Do you call me names? + +TOUPEE. Diable! me no stand under your names. + +TRUEMAN. Zounds and fury! I am raving. Must I bear to be abus'd in this +manner, by a vile Tonsor? + +TOUPEE. Yes, you Schoolmastare; you tell me vat be you booby. + +TRUEMAN. Pertinacious, audacious reptile! [_Canes TOUPEE._ + +TOUPEE. Ah, mon dieu! mon dieu! [_Runs off._ + +TRUEMAN. To insult a professor of Orthography, Analogy, Syntax, and +Prosody! + + +SCENE II. _A Street._ + +_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET._ + +In compliance with the commands of a father, here I am, once more in the +place of my nativity. Duty to him, and curiosity to know, why he has +enjoined my sudden departure so peremptorily, as well as a desire to see +New-York (perhaps never to leave it more) have all conspir'd to bring me +here sooner than I am expected,--let me see--yes, I must try to find out +Frankton first. [_HUMPHRY crosses the stage._] Here, friend, honest man, +prithee stop. + +HUMPHRY. What's your will? + +LOVEYET. Can you inform me, friend, where one Mr. Frankton lives? + +HUMPHRY. No, I don't know where anybody lives in this big city, not I; for +my part, I believe how they all lives in the street, there's such a +monstrous sight of people a scrouging backards and forards, as the old +saying is. If I was home now-- + +LOVEYET. Where is your home, if I may make so free? + +HUMPHRY. Oh, you may make free and welcome, for the more freer the more +welcomer, as the old saying is; I never thinks myself too good to discourse +my superiors: There's some of our townsfolks now, why some of 'um isn't so +good as I, to be sure. There's Tom Forge, the blacksmith, and little Daniel +Snip, the tailor, and Roger Peg, the cobbler, and Tim Frize, the barber, +and Landlord Tipple, that keeps the ale-house at the sign of the Turk's +Head, and Jeremy Stave, the clerk of the meeting-house, why, there an't one +of 'um that's a single copper before a beggar, as the old saying is; but +what o' that? We isn't all born alike, as father says; for my part, I likes +to be friendly, so give us your hand. You mus'n't think how I casts any +reflections on you; no, no, I scorn the action. [_They shake hands._] +That's hearty now--Friendship is a fine thing, and, a friend indeed is a +friend in need, as the saying is. + +LOVEYET. What an insufferable fool it is! [_Half aside._ + +HUMPHRY. Yes, it is insufferable cool, that's sartin; but it's time to +expect it. + +LOVEYET. Worse and worse! + +HUMPHRY. Yes, I warrant you it will be worser and worser before long; so I +must e'en go home soon, and look after the corn and the wheat, or else old +father will bring his pigs to a fine market, as the old proverb goes. + +LOVEYET. You're quite right; you mean your father wou'd bring his corn to a +fine market: You mean it as a figurative expression, I presume. + +HUMPHRY. Not I, I isn't for none of your figure expressions, d' ye see, +becase why, I never larnt to cipher;--every grain of corn a pig! Ha, ha, +ha. That's pleasant, ecod; why the Jews wou'dn't dare for to shew their +noses out o'doors, everything wou'd smell so woundily of pork! Ha, ha, ha. + +LOVEYET. A comical countryman of mine this. [_Aside._] What is your name, +my honest lad? + +HUMPHRY. Why, if you'll tell me your name, I'll tell you mine, d' ye see; +for, one good turn desarves another, as the old saying is, and, evil be to +them that evil thinks, every tub must stand upon its own bottom, and, when +the steed is stolen, shut the stable door, and, while the grass grows, the +mare starves--the horse I mean; it don't make no odds, a horse is a mare, +but a mare an't a horse, as father says, d' ye see--and---- + +LOVEYET. What a monstrous combination of nonsense! + +HUMPHRY. Don't tell me what I am, but tell me what I have been-- + +LOVEYET. Prithee, Mr. Sancho, let's have no more of those insipid proverbs. +You was going to tell me your name. + +HUMPHRY. My name is Cubb,--Humphry Cubb, at your sarvice, as the saying is. + +LOVEYET. Hah! my worthy friend Frankton---- + +_Enter FRANKTON._ + +FRANKTON. My best, my long expected Charles! your arrival has made me the +happiest man alive. + + [_They embrace._ + +LOVEYET. I am heartily glad to see you, George, and to meet you so +opportunely; 'tis not fifteen minutes since I landed on my native soil, and +you are the very person, above every other in the city, whom I wish'd first +to see. + +FRANKTON. Then you have not forgot your friend. + +LOVEYET. Far from it, Frankton; be assured that the joy I now feel at +meeting with _you_, is by no means the least I expect to experience. + +FRANKTON. Our satisfaction is then mutual--your friends are all happy and +well, and I know your arrival will not a little contribute to _their_ +felicity, as well as mine--but who have you here, Loveyet? Landed not +fifteen minutes ago, and in close confab with one of our Boors already? + +HUMPHRY. A boar! why you're worser than he there--he only took father's +_corn_ for _pigs_, but do you take _me_ for a _boar_, eigh? Do I look like +a _hog_, as the saying is? + +FRANKTON. Begone, you illiterate lubber!--My dear Charles, I have a +thousand things to say to you, and this is an unfit place for conversation. + +LOVEYET. We will adjourn to the Coffee-House. + +FRANKTON. No, you shall go with me to my lodgings. + +HUMPHRY. Why, what a cruel-minded young dog he is! See how he swaggers and +struts--he looks very like the Pharisee's head, on old _Coming Sir_, honest +Dick Tipple's sign, I think--No, now I look at him good, he's the very +moral of our Tory. + +LOVEYET. I wait your pleasure, Frankton. + +FRANKTON. Then allons! + + [_Exeunt FRANKTON and LOVEYET._ + +HUMPHRY. [_Burlesquing them._] Forward, march--as our Captain +says--[_Struts after them._]--Literary lubber, eigh! But I'll be up with +the foutre. + +_FRANKTON and LOVEYET return._ + +FRANKTON. Do you call me a foutre, you rascal? + +HUMPHRY. Call you a future! ha, ha, ha. I was a talking about something +that I was a going for to do some other time, sir.--Doesn't future magnify +some other time, eigh? + +FRANKTON. The future signifies the time to come, to be sure. + +HUMPHRY. Well, then, isn't I right? What argufies your signifies, or your +magnifies? There an't the toss up of a copper between 'um--I wou'dn't give +a leather button for the choice, as the old proverb goes. + +FRANKTON. Harkee, Mr. Talkative, if you ever---- + +HUMPHRY. No, sir, never,--that I won't--no, no, you may be sure of that. + +FRANKTON. Sure of what? + +HUMPHRY. Nothing, sir; we can be sartin of nothing in this world, as Mr. +Thumpum says. + +LOVEYET. Ha, ha, ha. + +FRANKTON. Oh, what a precious numskull it is! + +LOVEYET. [_To FRANKTON._] I have a letter here, which announces to my +father, my intention to leave the West-Indies the beginning of March, but I +miss'd of the expected conveyance--I have half a mind to send it yet. I +would not have him apprized of my arrival; for I wish to try if he would +know me;--and yet I long to embrace my aged and venerable parent.--Will you +do me the favour to take this letter to my father, Mr. Cubb? He lives at +number two hundred and fifty, in Queen-Street, in a three-story red brick +house.--I'll reward you for it. + +HUMPHRY. As for your rewards, I'm above it, d' ye see: If I do it, I'll do +it without fear or reward, as the saying is; but if you think fit, you may +treat a body to the valuation of a mug or so. Don't you love ale? for they +says how the Yorkers is cursed fellows for strong beer. + +LOVEYET. What a digression! + +HUMPHRY. I scorn your words--'tis no transgression at all to drink +ale--Why, Parson Thumpum himself drinks ale. + +LOVEYET. Well, will you carry the letter? You shall have as much strong +beer when you come back as you can stagger under. + +HUMPHRY. Why, if I was for to have my beer a-board before I go, I shou'dn't +get top-heavy, as the saying is; for I can carry as much weight in my head +as e'er a he that wears a head, without staggering. + +FRANKTON. I dare say you can; you have always plenty of that. + +HUMPHRY. Yes, you're right--I know what you mean; I've got it here a +little, as old Mr. Scourge says. [_Exeunt FRANKTON and LOVEYET._] But as +for what you said just now--no, no, sir; I'll never foutre you, I warrant +you--I always curses and swears in plain English, d' ye see--I--what's he +gone? I hope he won't come back again for the sixth time; three times has +he been in and out within the circumference of a minute. But I won't stay +here no longer--I'll go and try if I can't find out where Doll lives, my +old sweetheart; I an't so poor, but what I can buy her a ribbon or so; and, +if all comes to all, I can get a new pair o' breeches too; for, to be sure, +this one doesn't look quite so decent, and if that doesn't fetch her, the +devil shall, as the old saying is. I'm cursedly afraid, I sha'n't be able +to find out her quarters. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE III. _MR. FRIENDLY'S House._ + +_Enter HARRIET and MARIA._ + +HARRIET. Pray, Maria, how were you entertained at the Assembly last night? + +MARIA. Very indifferently, I assure you, my dear: You know, Harriet, I do +most cordially hate dancing at any time; but what must one do with one's +self these irksome, heavy, dreary Winters? If it were not for cards, visits +to and from, and---- + +HARRIET. Assemblies. + +MARIA. Yes, as my last resource, Assemblies, I should absolutely be in a +state of despair before Spring.--Then one may take an excursion on York or +Long-Island--an agreeable sail on the East-River--a walk in the Broadway, +Pharisee-like, to be seen of men, and--to see them--and then how refreshing +to take a negligent stroll on the Battery, the Fort, the Mall, and from +thence to Miss Such-a-one, then to Mrs. Such-a-one, then to Lady +What's-her-name, and then home;--but now I am half of my time as motionless +as Pitt's statue; as petrified and inanimate as an Egyptian mummy, or +rather frozen snake, who crawls out of his hole now and then in this season +to bask in the rays of the sun. + +HARRIET. And whenever the sunshine of Mr. Frankton's eyes breaks upon you, +you revive. + +MARIA. Pshaw--I wish you had Mr. Frankton yourself, since you are so full +of his sweet image. + +HARRIET. I'm sure you did not wish so last night: Your eyes seem'd to +say,--I wish I could secure the good-for-nothing, agreeable rake. + +MARIA. Oh, you _heard_ my _eyes_ say so, did you? I ask pardon of your +penetration. + +HARRIET. But do you really think the Winter is so destitute of comforts? + +MARIA. Ha, ha, comforts! by comforts I suppose you mean the sweets of +domestic life--the large portion of comfort arising from a large winter +fire, and the very pleasing tittle-tattle of an antiquated maiden aunt, or +the equally pleasing (tho' less loquacious) society of a husband, who, with +a complaisance peculiar to husbands, responds--sometimes by a doubtful +shrug, sometimes a stupid yawn, a lazy stretch, an unthinking stare, a +clownish nod, a surly no, or interrogates you with a--humph? till bed time, +when, heaven defend us! you are doom'd to be snor'd out of your wits till +day-break, when---- + +HARRIET. Hold, Maria--what a catalogue of uncomfortable comforts have you +run over.--Pleasure and Comfort are words which imply the same thing with +me; but in this enlighten'd age, when words are so curiously refin'd and +defin'd, modern critics and fashionable word-mongers have, in the abundance +of their wisdom, made a very nice distinction between them--for my part, I +always endeavour to reconcile modish pleasure with real comfort, and custom +with reason, as much as is in any way consistent with the obligation one is +under to conform a little to the perverse notions of mankind. + +MARIA. There now!--you know I can't abide to hear you moralize--prithee, my +dear Harriet, leave that to grey beards and long-ear'd caps--everything is +beautiful in its season, you know. + +HARRIET. Common sense and propriety are ever in season, Maria, and I was +going to mention a _sentimental_ pleasure, a _rational_ enjoyment, which is +peculiar to the present _season_, tho' beautiful in every one, if you had +not got frightened at the idea of being _comforted_. + +MARIA. Well, my dear comfortable, rational, sentimental Harriet! Let me +hear what this rational enjoyment of yours is? + +HARRIET. Hearing a good play, my dear. + +MARIA. Hearing a good play! why not seeing it, pray? + +HARRIET. Because I believe plays are frequently seen, and not heard; at +least, not as they ought to be. + +MARIA. I protest you are quite a critic, Harriet. + +HARRIET. If you desire amusement, what so likely to beguile the heavy hours +as Comedy? If your spirits are depress'd, what so replete with that which +can revive them as the laughter-loving Thalia? If the foibles and vices of +human nature ought to suffer correction, in what way can they be satiriz'd +so happily and successfully as on the stage;--or if elegance of language, +and refinement of sentiment---- + +MARIA. Humph--there's sentiment again. + +HARRIET. You dislike every good thing I have mentioned this morning, +Maria,--except one. + +MARIA. What's that, my dear? + +HARRIET. Mr. Frankton. + +MARIA. Ha, ha. Why, to be sure, the good things of this life are not to be +despis'd, and men are not the worst creatures belonging to this life, nor +Mr. Frankton the worst of men, but--apropos, about plays--did you observe +how much I was affected the other night at the tragedy of Zara? + +HARRIET. I really did not--I wish I had seen such a pleasing proof of your +sensibility. + +MARIA. Oh, you cruel creature!--wish to see your friend in tears? + +HARRIET. 'Tis rather unusual to see a lady of your taste and spirit, either +weep at a pathetic incident in tragedy, or laugh at a comic scene; and as +for the gentlemen, your lads of spirit, such as are falsely called _ladies' +men_, they are not so masculine as to understand, and, therefore, not so +effeminate as to weep; tho' one would conclude, from their effeminacy in +appearance and behaviour, that they would cry if you were to look at them. + +MARIA. To be sure, a little matter will draw tears from the feminine part +of mankind. + +HARRIET. For your part, you seem'd to be neither laughing nor crying, but +rather displeas'd and uneasy. + +MARIA. Oh, you mistake the matter entirely, my dear; your skill in +physiognomy is but indifferent, I find--why, after the tragedy was over, I +laugh'd most inordinately for a considerable time. + +HARRIET. On what account, pray? + +MARIA. Why, you must know, my dear, Mr. Frankton sat in the box opposite to +the one I was in. + +HARRIET. Yes, I know your dear Mr. Frankton was in the opposite box. + +MARIA. My dear Mr. Frankton! Did I say so? Why I could not say more of him, +were he my husband. + +HARRIET. If you conform to custom, you would not say so much of a husband. + +MARIA. But I did not say any such thing. Says I, you must know, my dear +Harriet---- + +HARRIET. No, no, there was no Harriet mentioned. + +MARIA. But I say there was--so, as I was going to tell you, you must know, +my dear Harriet, that Mr. Frankton sat opposite to me at the theatre; and +as he seem'd to be very much chagrin'd at the attention which was paid me +by a couple of beaux, I took some pains to mortify him a little; for, tho' +he strove to hide his uneasiness by chattering, and whispering, and +tittering, and shewing his white teeth, his embarrassment was very visible +under his affected unconcern. + +HARRIET. How exactly she has described her own situation and feelings! +[_Aside._]--I find that you acquire _your skill in physiognomy_ from +sympathy; or from making suitable comparisons, and drawing natural +inferences from them; but now for the remainder of your pleasant anecdote, +Maria. + +MARIA. So, I was extremely civil to my two worshipping votaries, grinn'd +when they did, and talk'd as much nonsense as either of them. During this +scene of mock-gallantry, one of my love-sick swains elevated his eyes in a +most languishing manner; and, clasping his sweet, unlucky hands together +rather eagerly, my little dog Muff happen'd to be in the way, by which +means my pet was squeez'd rather more than it lik'd, and my Adonis's finger +bit by it so feelingly, that it would have delighted you to see how he +twisted his soft features about, with the excruciating anguish. Ha, ha, ha. + +HARRIET. Ha, ha, ha. Exceeding ludicrous indeed!--But pray, my dear +careless, sprightly Maria, was you not a little nettled to see Mr. Frankton +and his nymphs so great? And are you not deeply in love with each other, +notwithstanding your coquetry at the theatre, and his levity at the +Assembly?--Yes, yes,--your aversion to the dancing last night was only +pretence. I hope when your hearts are cemented by wedlock, you will both do +better. + +MARIA. It will be well if I do no worse; but, to hear you talk, one would +swear you were not in love yourself. + +HARRIET. Love is an amiable weakness, of which our sex are peculiarly +susceptible. + +MARIA. Ha, ha, ha; _of which our sex are peculiarly susceptible_--what an +evasion!--and so my dear lovelorn, pensive, sentimental, romantic Harriet +has never experienced that same _amiable weakness_ which, it seems, the +weaker sex is so susceptible of. But I won't tease you about Mr. Loveyet +any more; adieu. + + [_Going._ + +HARRIET. Ha, ha; why in such sudden haste, my dear? + +MARIA. I have already made my visit longer than I intended, and I have +plagu'd you enough now; adieu. + +HARRIET. Ha, ha, ha; that is laughable enough. + + [_Exeunt, separately._ + +_End of the First Act._ + + + + +ACT II. + + +SCENE I. _FRANKTON'S Lodgings._ + +_FRANKTON and YOUNG LOVEYET sitting._ + +LOVEYET. When did you say you saw her? + +FRANKTON. Last night, in company with several other belles of no small +note, who did not look a tittle the handsomer for appearing at the same +time with her, I assure you. + +LOVEYET. Then she's as charming as ever. + +FRANKTON. Charming as ever! By all that's beautiful, a Seraphim is nothing +to her! And as for Cherubims, when they compete with her, + + _Conscious of her superior charms they stand, + And rival'd quite by such a beauteous piece + Of mortal composition; they, reluctant, + Hide their diminish'd heads._ + +LOVEYET. You extol her in very rapturous strains, George--I hope you have +not been smitten by her vast perfections, like the Cherubims. + +FRANKTON. I am really enraptur'd with the bewitching little Goddess! + +LOVEYET. Do you positively think her so much superior to the generality of +women? + +FRANKTON. Most indubitably I do--don't you, pray? + +LOVEYET. I thought her handsome once--but--but--but you certainly are not +in love with her. + +FRANKTON. Not I, faith. Ha, ha, ha. My enamorata and yours are two distinct +persons, I assure you--and two such beauties!--By all that's desirable, if +there was only one more in the city who could vie with the lovely girls, +and boast of the same elegantly proportioned forms; the same beauty, +delicacy and symmetry of features; the same celestial complexion, in which +the lily and carnation are equally excell'd; the same---- + +LOVEYET. Oh, monstrous! Why, they exceed all the Goddesses I ever heard of, +by your account. + +FRANKTON. Well, if you had let me proceed, I should have told you that if +one more like them could be found in town, they would make a more beautiful +triple than the three renowned goddesses who were candidates for beauty and +a golden apple long ago; but no matter now.--The account you have given of +the lovely Harriet, has rekindled the flame she so early inspir'd me with, +and I already feel myself all the lover; how then shall I feel, when I once +more behold the dear maid, like the mother of mankind--"with grace in all +her steps, heaven in her eye; in every gesture, dignity and love!" + +FRANKTON. Aye--and what do you think of your father's sending for you to +marry you to this same beautiful piece of mortality? + +LOVEYET. Is it possible? Then I am happy indeed! But this surpasses my most +sanguine hopes! + +FRANKTON. Did you suppose he would object to the alliance then? + +LOVEYET. I did not know,--my hope was only founded on the _probability_ of +his approving it. + +FRANKTON. Well, I can now inform you that your hope has a better basis to +rest on, and that there is as fair a prospect of its being shortly +swallowed up in fruition as ever Cupid and Hymen presented to a happy +mortal's view.--For your farther comfort, I have the pleasure to acquaint +you, that Mr. Trueman is equally fond of the match. + +LOVEYET. Better and better--my dear George! You are the best of +friends,--my happy genius! My very guardian angel! + +FRANKTON. Well said, Heroics--come, spout away. + +LOVEYET. Yes, I _am_ happy, very happy, indeed: Moralists disparage this +world too much,--there _is_ such a thing as happiness under the sun,--I +_feel_ it now most irrefragably,--_here_ it vibrates in a most extatic +manner. + +FRANKTON. Why, you are positively the arrantest love-sick swain that ever +had recourse to a philter. + +LOVEYET. Profane heretic in love! Did not you extol the two Seraphims just +now in the same generous language? But you have never experienced the +blissful transition from doubt and solicitude to certainty and peace, as I +do now. + +FRANKTON. How do you know that? + +LOVEYET. I only conjecture so--Did you ever feel the same transports I do? + +FRANKTON. How, in the name of sense, should I know how you feel? + +LOVEYET. Feel!--I feel that kind heaven, my friend, my father, and my +dearest girl, all conspire to bless me! + +FRANKTON. There he rides his hobby-horse again. + +LOVEYET. Aye, and a generous horse he is--he carries me very pleasantly, I +assure you. + +FRANKTON. Yes, and, I dare say, could convey you more agreeably and +speedily to Paradise than the Ass did Mahomet. + +LOVEYET. Ha, ha. I think you have improved my idea. + +FRANKTON. To improve your reason, and check your strange delirium, I have. + +LOVEYET. I will talk more dispassionately;--but my heart _will_ palpitate +at the thought of meeting the lovely source of its joy, and the ultimatum +of all its wishes! + +FRANKTON. I suppose you know she lives with Mr. Friendly. + +LOVEYET. With Mr. Friendly! + +FRANKTON. Yes, she is nearly related to his family, and as the style in +which they live, corresponds with her former prosperity better than the +present ineligible situation of her father does, he has granted them her +valuable company, after their repeated solicitations had prov'd the +sincerity of their regard. + +LOVEYET. But how do you account for Mr. Trueman's poverty, since fortune +has lately put it so much in Harriet's power to relieve him from it? I dare +not think it arises from her want of filial regard; I do not know anything +so likely to abate the ardour of my attachment as a knowledge of that; but +it is an ungenerous suggestion, unworthy the benignity and tenderness of +the gentle Harriet. + +FRANKTON. It is so.--Two things, on the part of the old gentleman, are the +cause: his pride will not suffer him to be the subject of a daughter's +bounty; and his regard for that daughter's welfare, makes him fearful of +being instrumental in impairing her fortune. + +LOVEYET. I thought the angelic girl could not be ungrateful to the parent +of her being; but don't let us tarry--I am already on the wing. + +FRANKTON. You are too sanguine; you must not expect to succeed without a +little opposition. + +LOVEYET. How! what say you? pray be explicit. + +FRANKTON. I will remove your suspense.--There is a Mr. Worthnought, a thing +by some people call'd a man, a beau, a fine gentleman, a smart fellow; and +by others a coxcomb, a puppy, a baboon and an ass. + +LOVEYET. And what of him? + +FRANKTON. Nothing; only he visits Miss Harriet frequently. + +LOVEYET. Hah!--and does she countenance his addresses? + +FRANKTON. I'll explain.--He imagines she is fond of him, because she does +not actually discard him; upon which presumption he titters, capers, vows, +bows, talks scraps of French, and sings an amorous lay--with such an +irresistibly languishing air, that she cannot do less than compliment +him--on the fineness of his voice, for instance; the smartness of his +repartees, the brilliancy of his wit, the gaiety and vivacity of his +temper, his genteel carriage, his handsome person, his winning address, +his---- + +LOVEYET. Hah! you surely cannot be in earnest, Frankton. + +FRANKTON. To be serious then,--the sum total of the affair, I take to be +this.--In order to kill a heavy hour, she sometimes suffers the fool to be +in her company, because the extravagance of his behaviour, and the +emptiness of his upper region furnish her with a good subject for ridicule; +but _your_ presence will soon make him dwindle into his primitive +insignificance. + +LOVEYET. If your prediction proves false, Harriet will be false +indeed;--but I must see her straightway. + +FRANKTON. I think you go pretty well fraught with the fruits of our united +deliberations. + +LOVEYET. Deliberations!--away with the musty term-- + + _No caution need my willing footsteps guide;-- + When Love impels--what evil can betide? + Patriots may fear, their rulers lack more zeal, + And nobly tremble for the public weal; + To front the battle, and to fear no harm, + The _shield_ must glitter on the warrior's arm: + Let such dull prudence _their_ designs attend, + But _Love_, unaided, _shall_ obtain its end!_ + + [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. _OLD LOVEYET'S House._ + +_Enter OLD LOVEYET and TRUEMAN._ + +LOVEYET. I tell you it is the most infernal scheme that ever was devis'd. + +TRUEMAN. And I tell you, sir, that your argument is heterodox, sophistical, +and most preposterously illogical. + +LOVEYET. I insist upon it, sir, you know nothing at all about the matter; +and, give me leave to tell you, sir-- + +TRUEMAN. What--give you leave to tell me I know nothing at all about the +matter! I shall do no such thing, sir--I'm not to be govern'd by your _ipse +dixit_. + +LOVEYET. I desire none of your musty Latin, sir, for I don't understand it, +not I. + +TRUEMAN. Oh, the ignorance of the age! To oppose a plan of government like +the new Constitution. Like it, did I say?--There never was one like +it:--neither Minos, Solon, Lycurgus nor Romulus, ever fabricated so wise a +system;--why it is a political phenomenon, a prodigy of legislative wisdom, +the fame of which will soon extend almost _ultramundane_, and astonish the +nations of the world with its transcendent excellence.--To what a sublime +height will the superb edifice attain! + +LOVEYET. Your aspiring edifice shall never be erected in _this_ State, sir. + +TRUEMAN. Mr. Loveyet, you will not listen to reason: only attend calmly one +moment--[_Reads._]--"We the people of the United States, in order to form a +more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, +provide--" + +LOVEYET. I tell you I won't hear it. + +TRUEMAN. Mark all that. [_Reads again._] "Section the first.--All +legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the +United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of +Representatives." Very judicious and salutary, upon my erudition.--"Section +the second--" + +LOVEYET. I'll hear no more of your sections. + +TRUEMAN. "Section the second.--The House of Representatives--" + +LOVEYET. They never shall represent me, I promise them. + +TRUEMAN. Why, you won't hear me out. + +LOVEYET. I have heard enough to set me against it. + +TRUEMAN. You have not heard a _quantum sufficit_ to render you competent to +give a decisive opinion; besides, you hear with passion and prejudice. + +LOVEYET. I don't care for that; I say it is a devilish design upon our +liberty and property; by my body, it is;--it would reduce us to poverty and +slavery. + +_Enter HUMPHRY, listening._ + +HUMPHRY. What's that about liberty, and property, and slavery, and popery, +and the devil? I hope the pope and the devil an't come to town for to play +the devil, and make nigers of us! + +TRUEMAN. You will have it your own way. + +LOVEYET. To be sure I will--in short, sir, the old Constitution is good +enough for me. + +HUMPHRY. I wonder what Constitution magnifies. + +TRUEMAN. The old Constitution!--ha, ha, ha, ha. Superlatively ludicrous and +facetious, upon my erudition; and highly productive of risibility--ha, ha, +ha. The old Constitution! A very shadow of a government--a perfect _caput +mortuum_;--why, one of my schoolboys would make a better: 'tis grown as +superannuated, embecilitated, valetudinarianated, invalidated, enervated +and dislocated as an old man of sixty odd. + +LOVEYET. Ah, that's me--that's me--sixty odd, eigh--[_Aside._] I--I--ugh, +ugh, I know what you want:--a consolidation and annihilation of the States. + +TRUEMAN. A consolidation and annihilation!--You certainly have bid defiance +to the first rudiments of grammar, and sworn war against the whole body of +lexicographers. Mercy on me! If words are to be thus abus'd and perverted, +there is an end of the four grand divisions of grammar at once: If +consolidation and annihilation are to be us'd synonymously, there is a +total annihilation of all the moods, tenses, genders, persons, nouns, +pronouns, verbs, adverbs, substantives, conjunctions, interjections, +prepositions, participles,-- + + [_Coughs._ + +HUMPHRY. Oh dear, oh dear,--what a wise man a Schoolmaster is! + +TRUEMAN. How can the States be consolidated and annihilated too? If they +are consolidated or compounded into one national mass, surely the +individual States cannot be annihilated, for, if they were annihilated, +where would be the States to compose a consolidation?--Did you ever study +Logic, sir? + +LOVEYET. No, but I've studied common sense tho', and that tells me I am +right, and consequently you are wrong; there, that's as good logic as +yours. + +TRUEMAN. You mean Paine's _Common Sense_, I suppose--yes, yes, there you +manifest something like common sense, Mr. Loveyet. + +LOVEYET. 'Tis no such thing, sir; it lately took three speakers, and much +better ones than Paine, no less than three whole days, to prove that +consolidation and annihilation are one and the same thing. + +TRUEMAN. An execrable Triumvirate--a _scandalum magnatum_ to all public +bodies: I suppose they and their adherents are now sitting in Pandemonium, +excogitating their diabolical machinations against us. + +LOVEYET. A pack of nonsensical stuff! + +TRUEMAN. Harkee, Mr. Loveyet, I will propound a problem to you. We will +suppose there are two parallel lines drawn on this floor, which, +notwithstanding they may be very contiguous to each other, and advance _ad +infinitum_, can never approximate so near as to effect a junction, in which +fundamental axiom all mathematicians profess a perfect congruity and +acquiescence:--now, to elucidate the hypothesis a little, we will suppose +here is one line; and we will further suppose here is another line. [_Draws +his cane over LOVEYET'S feet, which makes him jump._] Now we will suppose +that line is you, and this line is compos'd, form'd, constituted, made up +of discernment, political knowledge, public spirit, and true +republicanism,--but, as I predicated antecedently, _that_ line is +you--[_Striking his cane on LOVEYET'S feet._] You must not forget _that_. + +LOVEYET. S'death, sir, do you mean to make a mathematical instrument of me, +to try experiments with? + +TRUEMAN. Now take notice--as the East is to the West, the North Pole to the +South ditto, the Georgium Sidus to this terraqueous globe, or the +Aborigines of America to the Columbians of this generation, so is that line +to this line, or Mr. Loveyet to true wisdom and judgment; sometimes +appearing to verge towards a coalition with them, but never to effect it. +There, sir,--in this argument, you have a major, a minor and a conclusion, +consonant to the received principles of logic. + +LOVEYET. Confound your senseless comparisons; your problems, your +mathematics, and your Georgium Sidus. + +HUMPHRY. Aye, confound your gorgon hydras, I say too. + +LOVEYET. Here you have been spending your breath to prove--what?--that I am +not a rational human being, but a mathematical line. + +TRUEMAN. I know you are not a mathematical line; you are not the twentieth +part so straight and well made;--I only wish to convince you that the +present government is an _ignis fatuus_ that is leading you and thousands +more to ruin. + +LOVEYET. But I don't choose to be convinc'd by you. + +TRUEMAN. No more than you'll be convinc'd you are sixty years old, I +suppose. + +LOVEYET. Now see there again, see there! isn't this enough to try Job's +patience? I'll let you know that my bodily and political Constitutions are +both good, sir, both sound alike. + +TRUEMAN. I know they are. Ha, ha, ha. + +HUMPHRY. Pray, old gentleman, what sort of things may them same +constitutions be? + +TRUEMAN. Avaunt, thou plebeian, thou ignoramus! + +HUMPHRY. Why, I lay now I can say that as good as you, for all you're such +a fine scholard.--I won't be plain, thou ignorant mouse. + +TRUEMAN. "_Monstrum horrendum, cui lumen ademptum!_" + +HUMPHRY. Monstrous memorandums, cu--no, I can't say that; that's too hard +for me. Well, what a glorious thing it is for to have good larning. + +LOVEYET. Sixty odd years indeed! provoking wretch! + +HUMPHRY. What a bloody passion he's in! + +TRUEMAN. Pray, Mr. Loveyet, do not anathematize me so;--if you do not +civilize your phraseology a little, I must have recourse to a little +castigation, for, _necessitas non habet legem_, you know, Mr. Loveyet. + +LOVEYET. I know nothing about such nonsense, not I. + +TRUEMAN. You are the most unenlightened, contumacious, litigious, petulant, +opprobrious, proditorious, misanthropic mortal I ever confabulated a +colloquy with; by the dignity of my profession you are. + +HUMPHRY. What monstrous queer words he discourses the old fellow with! + +LOVEYET. Mighty pleasant and witty, by my body; sixty years, forsooth!--But +I'll be aveng'd of you.--Your daughter sha'n't have my son--there, +sir,--how do you like that? Sixty years, indeed! Ugh, ugh. + +HUMPHRY. What an old reprobate it is! He swears till he sweats again. + +TRUEMAN. What an unlucky affair! [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. And give me leave to tell you, Mr. Schoolmaster, I was an +old--I--I mean--I was a _great_ fool to disparage him so much as to think +of the match. + +TRUEMAN. Illiberal aspersion! But were I as contemptible as you think me, a +disastrous war has rendered me so; and as for my child, Providence has +placed her above dependence on an unfortunate father: the bequest of a +worthy relation has made her, what the world calls, rich; but her mind--is +far richer; the most amiable temper, improved by a virtuous and refined +education (not to mention her beauty) deservedly makes her the object of +general love and respect, and renders your present resolution a matter of +perfect indifference to me. + +LOVEYET. Well, well, so be it; but you never shall be Charles's +father-in-law, for all that--that's as fix'd as fate,--you may beg my +forgiveness for your faults by and by, but your daughter shall never be +mine, I promise you. + +TRUEMAN. Conceited old sot! [_Exit._ + +HUMPHRY. He's gone at last. + +LOVEYET. What brought _you_ here, pray? + +HUMPHRY. Why, my legs, to be sure.--Here, old gentleman, if you'll promise +you won't get in such a passion as you did just now, I've got some news to +tell you. + +LOVEYET. I in a passion? 'tis no such thing--I didn't mind anything he +said, because he's old and fretful;--but what news, eigh--what news? + +HUMPHRY. Here's a letter for you. [_Gives it to LOVEYET._ + +LOVEYET. [_Opens the letter and reads._] I am heartily glad, 'faith! +[_Reads again._]--'Od's my life, I'm as happy as the Great Mogul, and as +good-natur'd-- + +HUMPHRY. That's clever; I likes to see people good-natur'd,--it makes me as +happy as the Great Pogul. + +LOVEYET. I'll go tell old Trueman's daughter, Charles is coming, but not +for her--I know she'll be mortify'd, poor girl, but I can't help that. Who +gave you this letter? + +HUMPHRY. Why your son, to be sure. + +LOVEYET. When did you leave the _Havanna_, pray? + +HUMPHRY. The _Havanna_? + +LOVEYET. Yes, are you not from the West-Indies? + +HUMPHRY. Who--me?--not I. + +LOVEYET. Why, what the plague makes you think he was my son, then? + +HUMPHRY. Because he said you was his father--that's a good reason, an't it? +But it's a wise son knows his own father, as the old saying is. + +LOVEYET. How can that be, when the letter is dated in the Island of Cuba, +the twentieth day of January, and he says he don't expect to leave it till +the beginning of March, and this is only February, so it is impossible he +shou'd be here yet. + +HUMPHRY. May be you an't the old gentleman, then. + +LOVEYET. To be sure I an't an _old_ gentleman. Did he say I was old, eigh? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, I believe he did. + +LOVEYET. I believe you lie--and I'll let you know that I an't old enough to +be his father, you-- + +HUMPHRY. Well, if the case lies there, that settles the harsh, d' ye see; +but, for my part, I think how you look old enough and ugly enough to be his +great-grandfather, as the old saying is. + +LOVEYET. Sirrah, get out of my house, or I'll break your bones for you. + +HUMPHRY. I'm a going--howsomever, give me the letter again; you've got no +business with it--you an't his father. + +LOVEYET. You lie! I am his father--if he was here, he wou'dn't deny it. + +HUMPHRY. Why, he is here, I tell you--here in New-York. I suppose how he's +made a small mistake about the day of the month, and says he's just arrived +from the East-Indies, for he's cursed apt for to make blunders;--that about +the corn and the pigs; ha, ha, ha. + +LOVEYET. Do you laugh at me, you vagabond? + +HUMPHRY. Not I, old gentleman; I've got too much respect for old age, I'll +insure you. + +LOVEYET. I shall go distracted! + +HUMPHRY. Put on your spectacles and look again--I'm sure your eyes must +perceive you, for I'll give my corporal oath he an't in the East-Indies. + +LOVEYET. It is not the East-Indies, you great calf; you mean the +West-Indies. + +HUMPHRY. No matter if it's East or West; the odds an't much for the matter +o' that. + +LOVEYET. What an abominable fool! + +HUMPHRY. I'm no more a fool than you are-- + +LOVEYET. Be gone, you scoundrel! Here, Thomas--[_Enter THOMAS._], lug this +fellow out of doors. + +THOMAS. Yes, sir. + +HUMPHRY. No, you sha'n't tho', d' ye see. + +THOMAS. I'm cursedly afraid of the great two-handed fellow too. + + [_Aside, and exit with HUMPHRY._ + +LOVEYET [_manet_]. + +Abusive rascal! But I won't put myself in a passion with such a vile +animal.--I--I'll read the letter again. + +"Honour'd Sir, + +"I have just time enough to acquaint you by the _Oceanus_, Captain Seaborn, +who is now preparing to sail, that I have at length adjusted my business so +as to be able to leave this place for New-York, the beginning of March; in +which case you may look for me before the first of April next; when I +promise myself the happiness of seeing you once more, and enjoying the +society of the best of parents: till then I shall continue to be, with +truly filial attachment, and anxious expectation of the happy event, your +obliged and dutiful son,--CHARLES LOVEYET." + +I wonder he don't say anything of the coffee and madeira I wrote to him +about;--egad, I must mind the main chance; a penny sav'd, is a penny got; +and charity begins at home. By strictly attending to these excellent +maxims, I am worth about five and twenty per cent. more than any other +merchant in the city; and as for that stupid proverb, money is the root of +all evil, 'tis well enough for those to say so, who have none; for my part, +I know that much of the good things of this world is better than not +enough--that a man can live longer upon a hundred thousand pounds than one +thousand pounds--that if, the more we have the more we want, the more we +have the more we make--and that it is better to make hay while the sun +shines _against_ a rainy day, when I shall be upon my last legs, than to +work and toil like an ass _in_ the rain; so it plainly appears that money +is the root of all good;--that's my logic.--I long to see the young rogue +tho'--I dare say he looks very like his father;--but, had I thought old +Trueman wou'd have us'd me so ill, I wou'd not have wrote for him yet; for +he shall not have his old sweetheart:--if he offers to disobey me in this +respect, by my body, I'll disinherit the ungracious dog immediately. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE III. _Another part of LOVEYET'S House._ + +_DOLLY and THOMAS._ + +THOMAS. I've set a bowl of grog before him, pretty much to the northward, +and a luncheon of bread and beef almost as big as his head; for he said he +was consumed hungry. + +DOLLY. I language to behold him;--but I'm afraid he'll be rude to a +body. [_Enter HUMPHRY, with a large luncheon of bread and butter._] +Oh, as I'm alive, it is Humphry; old Cubb, the miller's son! Now +will the great bear be for rumpling and hugging a body, as he us'd to +do. [_Aside._ + +HUMPHRY. How d' ye do again, as the saying is? You're a devilish honest +fellow, as I'm a gentleman; and thank 'e for your frugality, with all my +heart: I've eaten up all the beef and grog, so I thought I wou'd go to the +cupboard, and cut a small slice of bread and butter, d' ye see. + +THOMAS. Why didn't you cut yourself a larger slice, while you was about it? + +HUMPHRY. Oh, it's big enough, thank 'e; I never eat much at a meal; but if +I crave more, I'll speak. [_Sees DOLLY._] Wha--what--Doll! is that you? Oh, +the wonderful works of nature! Who'd ha' thought to ha' found you here. +What, don't you know me? not know your old sweetheart? By Job, I want to +buss you, most lasciviously. + + [_Crams all the bread in his mouth in haste, + and offers to kiss her.--THOMAS hinders him._ + +DOLLY. Oh, oh! + +THOMAS. What, do you dare to do such a thing before me, you country brute? + +HUMPHRY. Aye, no sooner said than done; that's my way. + +THOMAS. But you sha'n't say nor do your lascivious tricks before me, I +warrant you. + +DOLLY. Oh, the filthy beast! he has frightened me out of my seventy-seven +senses; he has given me a fever. + +HUMPHRY. I don't care if you'll give me a favour, or not; for I don't value +it an old horse-shoe, not I; I can get favours enough in New-York, if I go +to the expense.--I know what--I suppose you forget when Jack Wrestle, the +country mack-marony-- + +DOLLY. Oh, oh! + +HUMPHRY. Why, in the country you us'd for to kiss me without axing. + +DOLLY. I scorn your words, you worthless blackguard; so I do. + + [_Cries._ + +THOMAS. Sir, I'd have you to know, sir, that I won't suffer you, sir, to +abuse this young lady, sir, in this manner, sir; and, sir--in short, sir, +you're a dirty fellow, for your pains, sir. + +HUMPHRY. And you're a great litterly lubber, as the saying is; and if +you'll be so friendly as for to fetch the mug of ale you promis'd me, I'll +lick you out of pure gratitude: have a care--grog makes me fight like a +tyger. + +THOMAS. It's a bargain,--I shou'd be sorry to try you; but I'll go lace you +ale a little, and that will spoil your fighting, I warrant you. + + [_Aside, and exit._ + +DOLLY. You sha'n't fight him.--Oh, law, I wou'dn't trust myself with him +alone, for the riches of the Indians! + + [_Exit, after him._ + +HUMPHRY. [_Mimicking her._] What an unfaithless trollop! She's got to be +very vartuous since she's liv'd in town, but vartue is but skin deep, as +the saying is:--wou'dn't even let me kiss her;--I meant nothing but the +genteel thing neither,--all in an honest way. I wonder what she can see in +that clumsy booby's face, for to take his part, sooner than I!--but I'll go +buy a new coat and breeches, and get my head fricaseed, and my beard comb'd +a little, and then I'll cut a dash with the best on 'em. I'll go see where +that ill-looking fellow stays with the ale. + + [_Exit._ + +_End of the Second Act._ + + + + +ACT III. + + +SCENE I. _A Barber's Shop._ + +_HUMPHRY in new clothes, reading a newspaper.--TOUPEE shaving him._ + +HUMPHRY. Pray now, master barber, what does Constitution mean? I hears so +many people a quarrelling about it,--I wish I cou'd get somebody to give me +the exclamation of it; here it is among the news too. It's spelt C, O, N, +con--S, T, I, sti--consti--T, U, tu--constitu--T, I, ti--constituti--O, N, +on--con-sti-tu-ti-on,--but your city folks calls it Constitushon; they've +got such a queer pronouncication. + +TOUPEE. Vat you please, sare? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, it pleases me well enough; I only want to know what it +magnifies. + +TOUPEE. Je ne vous entens pas, monsieur. + +HUMPHRY. Why, what outlandish dialogue is that you're a talking? I can't +understand your lingo as well as the Schoolmaster's, with his monstrous +memorandums, and his ignorant mouses. + +TOUPEE. You be 'quainted with monsieur de Schoolmastare, monsieur? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, mounsieur; he and the consumptive old gentleman, old what's +his name, was a wrangling about that confounded name that I was axing you +about;--caw--con--[_Looks at the paper._] aye, Constitution. + +TOUPEE. Dat Constitution is no bon;--de Schoolmastare vas strike me for +dat. By gar, I get de satisfaction! + +HUMPHRY. He talks as crooked as a Guinea niger. [_Aside._ + +TOUPEE. He vas call me--ah, le diable!--block; dis--[_Points to his head._] +blockhead, oui, blockhead. + +HUMPHRY. If you've got a mind, I'll lather him for you. + +TOUPEE. Yes; den I vill lader you for nothing. + +HUMPHRY. You lather me for nothing?--I'll lather you for less yet, you +barber-looking-- + +TOUPEE. No, no; me lader you so. [_Lathers HUMPHRY'S face._ + +HUMPHRY. Oh, with soap-suds, you mean:--I ax pardon, mounsieur; I thought +how you was a going for to lather me without soap-suds or razor, as the old +proverb is. + +TOUPEE. Dat is no possible, monsieur. + +HUMPHRY. I believe not; you shou'd be shav'd as clean as a whistle, if you +was; 'faith should you. + +TOUPEE. Yes, I will shave you very clean;--here is de bon razor for shave +de beard. + + [_Draws the razor over the back of HUMPHRY'S hand, + to shew him it can cut a hair._] + +HUMPHRY. [_Bellowing out._] You ill-looking, lousy, beard-combing, +head-shaving rascal! Did you ever know any body for to have a beard upon +their hand? + +TOUPEE. You be von big 'merican brute, sur mon âme! + +HUMPHRY. You lie, as the saying is. What a mouth he makes whenever he goes +for to talk his gibberage!--He screws it up for all the world like a +pickled oyster. I must have a care I don't get some of that snuff out of +his nose. + +TOUPEE. You please for taste de snuff? + +HUMPHRY. I don't care if I _smell_ some. + + [_Takes a pinch of snuff, which makes him sneeze, while TOUPEE + is shaving him; by which he gets his face cut._] + +TOUPEE. Prenez garde à vous! + +HUMPHRY. The devil take the snuff and you! [_Going._ + +TOUPEE. S'il vous plaît, monsieur, you vill please for take de--de--vat is +dat--de lettre--de shallange to monsieur de Schoolmastare, for fight me? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, that I will, with the most carefullest manner;--he shall have +it in the greatest pleasure. + + [_TOUPEE gives a paper to HUMPHRY._ + +TOUPEE. Dat is de bon civility,--I vill be your--a--very good friend. + +HUMPHRY. Thank 'e kindly, Mounsieur. [_Exeunt, severally._ + + +SCENE II. _A Street._ + +_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET and HUMPHRY._ + +LOVEYET. Not find where he lives? + +HUMPHRY. No;--you're the most unluckiest gentleman for making of +blunders,--didn't you tell me how your father liv'd in number two hundred +and fifty, in Queen-Street, in the three-story brick house? + +LOVEYET. I did; is not that the house? + +HUMPHRY. No--why, your father don't live there. + +LOVEYET. Did you enquire for Mr. Loveyet? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, I saw Mr. Loveyet. + +LOVEYET. The devil is in the fellow, I believe. Did you give him my letter? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, but I didn't want to. + +LOVEYET. Why not? + +HUMPHRY. Becase I wanted for to carry it to your father. + +LOVEYET. What makes you think Mr. Loveyet is not my father? + +HUMPHRY. Somebody told me so that's got a good right to know; I've his own +words for it. + +LOVEYET. My father tell you so? + +HUMPHRY. The young man is crazy, I believe.--I say Mr. Loveyet said you +wasn't his son; so I suppose he can't be your father by that. + +LOVEYET. I forgot that the letter would probably produce this +misunderstanding. [_Aside._]--He is the only one I know, whom I have a +right to call my father. + +HUMPHRY. May be you're the old fellow's bastard, and if you're a bastard, +you can't be a son, you know: aye, that's the catch, I suppose. + +LOVEYET. Your new clothes make you quite smart, Mr. Cubb. + +HUMPHRY. Yes, don't I look quite smart, with these here new clothes? +they're all new, I'll insure you--only a little the worse for wear; I +bought 'em at the vandue option, at the Fly-Market. + +LOVEYET. But how came you by that patch on one side of your face, and that +large crop of beard on the other? + +HUMPHRY. Mounsieur, the outlandish barber, give me a small cut across the +whiskers; but the best of all you ha'n't seen yet;--see here. + + [_Pulls off his hat._ + +LOVEYET. Aye, now you look something like--quite fierce--entirely the fine +gentleman, upon my falsehood. A genteel dress is the very soul of a man, +Mr. Cubb. + +HUMPHRY. Like enough, for I've got more soul to shew myself, now I cut such +a dash; I've got a soul to see the shews at the play-house; and, I think, +I've got a great deal more soul to spend a few shillings at the ale-house. + +LOVEYET. That's true; I'm glad you remind me of my promise. + +HUMPHRY. Not I, I didn't remind you,--I scorn it. + +LOVEYET. I dare say you do. [_Gives him money._] There, drink my health +with that. + +HUMPHRY. With all my heart--soul, I mean;--aye, here's soul +enough--[_Jingling the money._]--to buy the matter o' twenty mugs;--come, +let's go at once. + +LOVEYET. I?--excuse me, sir; I have particular business elsewhere.--Sir, +your most humble servant. + +HUMPHRY. Sir, I am your most humble sarvint too. [_Bows awkwardly._] + + [_Exeunt, severally._ + + +SCENE III. _MR. FRIENDLY'S House._ + +_Enter HARRIET._ + +[_Knocking at the door._] What an incessant knocking! Mr. Friendly's family +are out, and between their company and my own, I expect to be engaged all +day: I am fairly tired of these morning visits;--they are fashionable, and, +therefore, agreeable, to those who can make propriety and happiness +subservient to custom and false politeness; but, for my part-- + +_Enter SERVANT._ + +SERVANT. Miss Airy is waiting in her carriage, madam. + +HARRIET. Admit her. [_Exit SERVANT._] She is the only one I wish to see +this morning. + +_Enter MARIA._ + +MARIA. My dear Harriet, I am rejoic'd to find you at home;--I this minute +heard something, which I knew would make you happy; and that, I trust, is a +good excuse for troubling you twice a day with my company. + +HARRIET. You wrong my friendship, Maria, if you think you can oblige me too +often with your desirable company; 'tis true I was wishing for a little +cessation of that torrent of formal visitors which is pouring in from +morning till night; but far be it from Harriet to reckon her Maria among +that number. + +MARIA. You are very good, my dear; but you must give me leave to be a +little jealous that I am not the only one who is favoured with such a +preference. + +HARRIET. Indeed, I do not know any one I have a particular desire to see +this morning, except yourself. + +MARIA. You forget Mr. Loveyet, when you say so. + +HARRIET. Poh! I am not talking of men. + +MARIA. No; but it is very probable you are _thinking_ of _a man_. + +HARRIET. And pray what reason have you to think, that my thoughts run upon +such an improper subject? + +MARIA. _Improper subject_,--ha, ha, ha. So my very discreet, prudish little +Harriet never lets man enter into her head; tho' it is pretty notorious +somebody has enter'd into her heart long ago. + +HARRIET. Your discernment must be very subtle, if you know all that is in +my heart. + +MARIA. I only judge of your heart, by your tongue; and the abundance of the +former is generally inferred from the speech of the latter.--Yes, yes--that +constant, hypocritical heart of yours is now throbbing with love, hope, +curiosity, and--a thousand speechless sensations, the improper subject of +which, I do not hesitate to declare, is odious man; and that man, the +accomplished Mr. Loveyet. + +HARRIET. Pshaw,--how can you tantalize one so? + +MARIA. Well, well, it shall not be serv'd like Tantalus any more: _he_ was +doom'd to behold; and, beholding, to wish and languish for the tempting +draught, in vain: but a better doom awaits the happy Harriet;--what she +desires is not thus interdicted, but will soon be obtain'd, and-- + +HARRIET. How strangely you talk, Maria. + +MARIA. Well, I will not keep you in suspense any longer. Old Mr. Loveyet +has received a letter from his son, signifying his intention to leave the +West-Indies shortly after its date, so you may expect to see him very soon. +Then hey for a wedding, &c. + +HARRIET. Ha, ha; you are a droll girl. + +MARIA. But my time is precious; I am just going to the widow +Affable's:--about twelve months ago she paid me a visit, when, agreeably to +the form in such cases made and provided, she beg'd I would be more +sociable, and she would take it so kindly of me:--accordingly I shall step +in _en passant_, to shew her my sociability and kindness, which I shall, +perhaps, repeat at the end of another year. + +HARRIET. How can you be so cruel? The pleasure I experience in your +society, makes me regret that any one should be deprived of it. + +MARIA. That is very strange:--I should imagine, if you priz'd my company so +much, you would wish me to withhold it from others; because, the more I +bless them with my presence, the less will come to your share, you know, my +dear;--nor is it easy to conceive how you could be so fond of my sweet +person, without being jealous at the partiality of others;--but, after all, +good people, they say, are scarce; and my humble admirers shall find the +saying verified in me; because they are not fully sensible of my superior +value; but, since you prove the contrary, by extolling my conversation and +friendship so much, I likewise shall observe a contrary conduct, and +indulge you with a _tête-à-tête_ frequently, my dear.--But I have fifty +places to call at yet:--I am to wait on Miss Nancy Startup, Miss Biddy +Dresswise, Miss Gaudy, Miss Titterwell, Mrs. Furbelow, Mrs. Neverhome, +Mrs--_et cætera, et cætera_; which visits I mean to pay with all the +formality and fashionable shortness in my power: from thence I shall +proceed to Mademoiselle Mincit, the milliner; from thence to two or three +score of shops in William-Street, to buy a prodigious number of important-- + +HARRIET. Trifles. + +MARIA. You are right, my dear;--as I live, I would not be one of those +officious "Nothing else, Ma'ms?" for all the goods from the North Church to +Maiden-Lane.--Adieu,--I leave you to meditate on what I have told you. + +HARRIET. Farewell. [_Exit MARIA._] Now Maria is gone, I will see no more +company.--If anything can be an excuse for a falsehood, the present +occasion offers a very good one:--I feel my mind pretty much at ease, and I +do not choose to have it disturbed by the impertinence of pretended +friends.--Who is there? + +_Enter SERVANT._ + +SERVANT. Madam. + +HARRIET. Whoever calls to see me to-day, remember I am not at home. + +SERVANT. Mr. Worthnought is here now, Madam; must I deny you to him? + +HARRIET. Undoubtedly. [_Exit SERVANT._] I am disgusted with the repetition +of that coxcomb's nonsense.--[_Sighs._]--I wish Charles was here:--In spite +of the false delicacy of that tyrant, Custom, which forbids us to speak the +exquisite effusions of a susceptible heart, I can now speak boldly, while +that heart dictates to the willing tongue what complacence it feels at the +prospect of its Charles's return. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. _Another part of MR. FRIENDLY'S House._ + +_WORTHNOUGHT, discovered solus._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Who comes here! He sha'n't see her, if I don't, +'foregad--Curse me, but he shall go away with a flea in his ear. + +_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET, followed by HUMPHRY._ + +HUMPHRY. Mr. Lovit--Mr. Lovit.--[_Takes him aside._] As I was a going +along, d'ye see, I see you pop in here, and so I follow'd you, to tell you, +how old Mr. Lovit said he was intend for to go for to see the old fellow's +daughter, to tell her something about the letter. Don't Mrs. Harriet live +here? + +LOVEYET. I'll make haste, and supersede the design of his +errand, if possible;--it would be a pity he should come before I had +appriz'd Harriet I was not in the West-Indies. [_Aside._]--I am +obliged to you for your information. [_To HUMPHRY._ + +HUMPHRY. Thank 'e, as the saying is. [_Going,--WORTHNOUGHT whispers with +him._]--What's that to you?--How clumsy mounsieur has dress'd his +calabash!--Powder'd over the face and eyes. + + [_Exit._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. I wish I knew what he wanted with him;--perhaps it is +something about me. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. What Butterfly is this we have here!--I suppose it is the fop, +Frankton mentioned. [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Sir, I have the honour to be, with the profoundest respect +and esteem, your most obedient, most devoted, and most obliged humble +slave, _foy d'Homme d'Honneur_--Tol lol, &c. [_Sings._ + +LOVEYET. A very pompous salutation, truly. [_Aside._]--Your polite address +does me too much honour, sir;--I cannot conceive how you can be my obliged +slave, as I do not recollect I ever saw you before. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Why, sir, I'll tell you:--Your appearance, sir, bespeaks the +gentleman of distinction, sir,-- + +LOVEYET. My _appearance_;--superficial coxcomb! [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. 'Tis true, my words were words of course; but I meant every +word, sir, 'pon hanor.--"Cupid, Gad of saft persuasion, &c." + [_Sings affectedly, and takes snuff._ + +LOVEYET. Humph,--To whom, sir, am I indebted, for so much civility? + +WORTHNOUGHT. Dick Worthnought, esquire, at your service, sir. + +LOVEYET. The very fool. [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. And give me leave to add, sir, that I feel the highest +felicity, that you have given me so good an opportunity of asking you, in +my turn, for the favour of your name, sir. + +LOVEYET. My name is Loveyet, sir.--With what solemnity the coxcomb talks! + [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. A native of this city, I presume, Mr. Loveyet. + +LOVEYET. I am, sir; but I have been absent for some years, and, as I was a +youth when I left the city, I cannot be supposed to have retained much of +the Yorker. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Pardon me, sir;--to a person of penetration, the Yorker is +still conspicuous under the disguise of the foreigner; and I am proud to +have the hanor of being your countryman, sir. + +LOVEYET. I fancy the honour is by no means reciprocal. [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. You are acquainted with Miss Harriet Trueman, I presume, Mr. +Loveyet. + +LOVEYET. I was formerly acquainted with the lady. + +WORTHNOUGHT. You must know, sir, that your humble servant has the hanor and +felicity of being that lady's very humble admirer. + +LOVEYET. I dare say she is admired by all who have the pleasure of knowing +her. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Give me leave, sir,--I mean her lover. + +LOVEYET. Conceited ape! [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. _You_ have no pretensions, sir, I presume. + +LOVEYET. Pretensions? + +WORTHNOUGHT. Aye, sir; I thought you might have a small _penchant_, as the +French call it;--you apprehend me; but she don't intend to see company +to-day. I am monstrously chagrin'd, sir, 'foregad, that I have it not in my +power to introduce you to the divine mistress of my heart; but, as matters +are circumstanc'd, I think it is not worth our while to stay. + +LOVEYET. I mean to see Miss Trueman before I shall think so. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Oh, fie, sir;--you wou'd not force a lady to give you her +company against her inclination:--perhaps, indeed, she may appear to +receive you with some warmth, and you may flatter yourself you have fairly +made a canquest of her, and think Dick Worthnought esquire, is out-rival'd; +but if so, you are most demnably bit, 'foregad, for she's as slippery as +ice, tho' not quite so cold;--she is the very standard of true modern +coquetry, the quintessence of the _beau-monde_, and the completest example +of New-York levity, that New-York has the hanor to call its beautiful +inhabitant: ha, ha,--she'll jilt you;--however, the dear creature, with all +her amiable foibles, has been so profuse of her attention to me, that I +should be ungrateful not to acknowledge the various favours she has hanor'd +me with. + +LOVEYET. Consummate impudence! [_Aside._]--Miss Trueman's character is well +known, sir. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Miss Trueman's character! Demme, sir, do you mean to say +anything against her character? + +LOVEYET. No;--and I will take care you shall not, with impunity. + +WORTHNOUGHT. You are the most unmannerly fellow I ever convers'd with, 'pan +hanor. + +LOVEYET. And you the most contemptible puppy; or that fellow would be +unmannerly enough to chastise you for your insolence. + +WORTHNOUGHT. That's a demnable rub, demme;--curse him, I'm afraid he isn't +afraid of me, after all. [_Aside._]--You wou'd find me as brave as yourself +then; demme, but you wou'd. + +LOVEYET. I'll try you. [_Offers to cane him, which makes him cry out.--Then +enter HARRIET, hastily._] + +HARRIET. Oh, dear!--what's the matter? + + [_Seeing CHARLES, she shrieks._ + +LOVEYET. My dearest,--my adorable Harriet! + +HARRIET. Is it possible? I did not dream that Mr. Loveyet was the person +who wanted to see me. + +LOVEYET. And am I again blest with a sight of the dear object of all my +wishes and affections!--I thank you, heaven; you have been bountiful, +indeed! The rolling billows, under your propitious guidance, have at length +wafted me to my native land, to love and my dear Harriet. + +WORTHNOUGHT. What the devil does he mean! [_Aside._ + +HARRIET. Your unexpected appearance, and the unaccountable circumstance +which attends it, have discomposed me in such a manner, that I cannot +express, as I wish, how happy I am in your safe arrival. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Hah,--happy in his arrival! If so, she will not be very +happy in his rival, I'm afraid. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. I will explain the occasion of my charmer's fright +immediately;--at present I can only tell you that your wou'd-be lover, +here-- + +HARRIET. My lover! + +LOVEYET. So he confidently call'd himself, and took such other insufferably +vain and impudent freedoms with your name, that I attempted to give him a +little wholesome admonition with this, if his effeminate cries had not +brought my lovely Harriet in to prevent me; but the very attempt has proved +him to be the basest of dastards. [_While he is saying this, WORTHNOUGHT +makes several attempts to interrupt him._] + +HARRIET. [_To WORTHNOUGHT._] I am equally surpriz'd and incens'd, sir, that +you would dare to take such freedoms with my name. + +LOVEYET. Be assured, Miss Harriet, if you condescend to grant your valuable +company to such superficial gentry, they will ever prove themselves as +unworthy of it as he has; but your goodness does not let you suspect the +use which such characters make of the intimacy they are honour'd with, or +you would spurn their unmeaning flattery, and ridiculous fopperies, with +indignation. + +HARRIET. I ever till now consider'd him as a respectful, well-meaning +person, as far as regarded myself; and as such, gave him a prudent share of +my civilities; but I never thought either his intellects or his person +sufficient to entitle him to a partial intimacy. + +WORTHNOUGHT. You cannot deny, madam, that I have repeatedly experienced the +most flattering proofs of your partiality, that a lady (who values her +reputation) can ever bestow on her admirer. + +HARRIET. Contemptible thing! An admirer, forsooth! Of what?--Your ideas are +too mean and frothy to let you admire anything but my dress, or some other +trifle as empty and superficial as the trifler I am speaking to. My +demeanour towards you was nothing but the effect of cheerfulness and +politeness; qualities which, I believe, are inherent in me, and of which, +therefore, all with whom I am acquainted are the objects; but your present +unmanly and insupportably impudent discourse, makes me despise myself +almost as much as you, for allowing such a wretch even that small degree of +attention which he so illy deserved. + +WORTHNOUGHT. You are very insulting, madam, 'pan hanor.-- + +LOVEYET. How apt such fellows are to have _honour_ in their mouths. + [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. This is only a trick to conceal your inconstancy during his +absence; but it is the nature of the sex to deceive us. + +HARRIET. 'Tis the nature of a fool to say so; and if that fool does not +instantly quit the subject and the house together, I must request the +favour of Mr. Loveyet to make him. + +LOVEYET. "As matters are circumstanced, Mr. Worthnought, I think it is not +worth your while to stay." + +WORTHNOUGHT. Her unparallel'd rudeness shall not compel me to leave the +house, till I please. + +LOVEYET. "Oh, fie, sir,--you would not force a lady to give you her company +against her inclination." + +WORTHNOUGHT. You are very fond of echoing my words, it seems. + +LOVEYET. Yes, when I can apply them to your disappointment and +disgrace.--"I am monstrously chagrin'd, sir, 'foregad, that I have it not +in my power to introduce you to the divine mistress of my heart." Ha, ha, +ha. + +WORTHNOUGHT. 'Tis very well,--I will have revenge;--if the laws of +politeness (which I would rather die than infringe) did not forbid swearing +before a _lady_ [_In a contemptuous tone._], curse me, but I would d----n +you for a-- + +LOVEYET. [_Interrupting him._]--"You must know, sir, I have the hanor and +felicity of being this lady's very humble admirer."--You have failed in +your predictions, I think, sir. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Yes, and she shall soon pay for her duplicity; tho' I would +not have you think that her ill usage mortifies me in the least: I never +was in love with her, nor did I ever intend marriage, which is more than +_she_ can say; and, I believe, it is fortunate for us both, that you +arriv'd when you did, or something might have happened, which would have +obliged me to marry her, merely to prevent her from being miserable.--Ha, +ha, ha. Tol lol, &c. + + [_Exit._ + +HARRIET. What a superlative wretch! + +LOVEYET. He is too contemptible to cost you a thought, Harriet:--none but +the puppy tribe, and a few splenetic old maids, will pay any attention to +his slander; they, no doubt, will spread it with avidity;--but to be +traduced by such, is to be praised.--Hah!--there comes my father;--I forgot +to tell you I expected him here: I will try if he knows me. + +_Enter OLD LOVEYET._ + +OLD LOVEYET. Madam, your most obedient;--Sir, your servant. + +LOVEYET. [_Bows._] I find he does not know me:--Nature, be still; for now I +feel he is indeed my father. + +HARRIET. Mr. Loveyet, I am happy to see you. + +OLD LOVEYET. She would not be quite so happy, if she knew my errand. +[_Aside._]--I have waited on you, madam, upon disagreeable business. + +HARRIET. How, sir?--I beg you will not leave me in suspense: What is it? + +OLD LOVEYET. It is a matter of a delicate nature, madam, and therefore, +must not be spoken at random. + +LOVEYET. Heaven avert any unfavourable event! [_Aside._ + +HARRIET. Mr. Loveyet, your cautious innuendoes give me sensible uneasiness. + +LOVEYET. I will withdraw, Miss Trueman;--My love--friendship, I would say, +though it wishes to afford you happiness, and participate in your troubles, +does not presume to intrude on the private conversation Mr. Loveyet wishes. + +HARRIET. I dare say your presence is no restraint, sir. + +OLD LOVEYET. I don't know that, madam: pray, who is the gentleman? + +HARRIET. The gentleman is my very particular friend, sir. + +OLD LOVEYET. By my body, here is rare work going on.--[_Aside._]--Well, +madam, as the gentleman is your _very particular friend_; and as his +_love_--friendship, I mean, is so great, that you dare to entrust all your +secrets with him; I shall acquaint you, that, as you and my son have long +entertained a partiality for each other, and being desirous to fulfill all +my engagements, as well as to make him happy, I have wrote for him to come +and conclude the marriage; but, for very good reasons, I have this day +determined to forbid the bans; and Mr. Trueman says, he is very willing +too. + +LOVEYET. Hah!--what can all this mean? [_Aside._ + +OLD LOVEYET. You must know, madam, your father has us'd me very ill; +and--to be plain with you, madam, your familiarity with this person, +convinces me you wou'd have play'd the fool with my son, without my +breaking the match. Ugh, ugh. + +LOVEYET. The old gentleman imagines I am going to cut myself out, it +seems. [_Aside to HARRIET._ + +HARRIET. You do not know who this is, sir, or you would not put any +improper constructions on the friendly freedom you have observ'd between +us. + +LOVEYET. True; and, therefore, you need not be concerned at what he +says.--Since he has made this unlucky resolution, he must not know who I +am. [_Aside to HARRIET._ + +OLD LOVEYET. How well she dissembles!--_Friendly freedom,_--a pretty term +that, for the wanton hussy. [_Aside._]--I wish Charles was here now; he +wou'd acknowledge his father's kindness in preventing a match, which, I am +sure, would end in sorrow and disappointment. + +LOVEYET. I doubt that much.--This parent of mine is a singular +character. [_Aside to HARRIET._ + +HARRIET. It is necessary you should be made acquainted with some of his +oddities: his most striking peculiarity is a desire to be thought younger +than he is; and, I dare say, some remark of my father, respecting his age, +is the only cause of his present ill humour. + +OLD LOVEYET. Look how they whisper!--well, she is the most brazen coquette +I ever knew!--Yes, yes, now her scandalous conduct is glaring enough. +[_Aside._]--I wish you and your _very particular friend_, a good day, +madam. + + [_Exit._ + +HARRIET. I think our troubles increase fast: how unlucky, that this dispute +should happen at the very crisis of your arrival;--an event which we fondly +expected would be attended with the most pleasing circumstances. + +LOVEYET. Those fond expectations, my lovely partner in trouble, shall soon +be realized;--this is only the momentary caprice of old age. + +HARRIET. You must take care not to talk of _age_, before him. + +LOVEYET. Yes, my fair monitor; I shall think of that: and now permit me, in +my turn, to give you a little advice.--In the first place, I would have you +go to your father--fall at his feet--clasp your fair hands, +thus--beseeching him in such terms as that gentle heart is so well form'd +to dictate, and persuading him with the all-prevailing music of that +tuneful voice, to recall his rigourous intention, nor doom such angelic +goodness and beauty to despair, by persisting to oppose an alliance which +alone can make you blest; and without which, the most faithful of lovers +will be rendered the most wretched one on earth. I shall take a similar +method with my old gentleman, and I think I can insure myself success. + +HARRIET. This is all very fine; but--to have the voluntary consent of the +parent one loves,--how infinitely more agreeable! I would not offend mine, +for the world: and yet-- + +LOVEYET. And yet you will be obliged to offend him, by having me, eigh? + +HARRIET. Pshaw;--how strangely you misconstrue my meaning: I was going to +observe, that I expect his obstinacy and pride will prove invincible, in +spite of all the rhetoric you are pleased to ascribe to me. + +LOVEYET. Then we will employ a little rhetoric, against which another class +of fathers are not quite so invincible.--Parsons are plenty, you know; and +Gold and Silver are persuasive little words. _Love_ inspires me with the +spirit of prophecy, and tells me I shall soon with propriety call the +loveliest of her sex, mine. + +HARRIET. You are very eloquent, Mr. Loveyet: I do not think the subject +merits so many florid speeches. + +LOVEYET. Not merit them!-- + + _'Tis not in human language, to define + Merit so rare, and beauty--so divine! + Then what avails this little praise of mine?_ + +HARRIET. _Harriet deserves not praise so great as thine._ + + [_Exeunt._ + +_End of the Third Act._ + + + + +ACT IV. + + +SCENE I. _TRUEMAN'S House._ + +TRUEMAN [_solus_]. + +I sincerely lament this unfortunate dispute.--I know Harriet loves that +young fellow, though he has been so long absent; and, therefore, I regret +it; for, to what end do I live but to see her happy!--But I will not give +way to his father;--perhaps he may think better of the matter, for I know +him to be of a placable nature, though passionate;--and yet he seems to be +inflexible in his resolution. + +_Enter HUMPHRY._ + +HUMPHRY. Sarvint, Mr. Schoolmaster;--here's a challenge for you. + + [_Gives TRUEMAN the barber's note._ + +TRUEMAN. A challenge! Surely the old blockhead would not make himself so +ridiculous. + +HUMPHRY. Yes, it's for that;--I remember he said you call'd him a +blockhead. + +TRUEMAN. You may go and tell him I advise him to relinquish his +knight-errant project, or I will expose his absurdity by taking the +advantage which the law offers in such cases. + +HUMPHRY. That is, you'll take the law of him, if he goes for to fight you. + +TRUEMAN. Fight me!--Oh, grovelling idea! Wit-forsaken progeny of a more +than soporific pericranium! Fight me!--Hear and be astonished, O Cicero, +Demosthenes, Socrates, Plato, Seneca, Aristotle,-- + +HUMPHRY. Oh, for shame!--Do you read Haristotle? + +TRUEMAN. Be it known to thee, thou monstrous mass of ignorance, if such an +uninformed clod, dull and heavy as that element to which it must trace its +origin, can comprehend these very obvious and palpable truths, expressed in +the most plain, simple, easy, unscholastic diction.--I repeat again, that +you may apprehend me with the greater perspicuity and facility,--be it +known to thee, that those immaculate sages would have died rather than have +used such an expression; by the dignity of my profession, they would:--'tis +true that the ancients had such things as single combats among the Olympic +games, and they were always performed by the populace; but such a fight, +alias a tilt, a tournament, a wrestle, could not, according to the rule of +right, and the eternal fitness and aptitude of things, be properly +denominated a _bona fide_ fight; for, as I before observed, it was _ipso +facto_, a game, an Olympic game.--Olympic, from Olympus. + +HUMPHRY. Pray now, Mr. Schoolmaster, if a body mought be so bold, what do +you think of the last war? Does your Schoolmastership think how that was a +fona bide fight? + +TRUEMAN. You are immensely illiterate; but I will reply to your +interrogatory.--My opinion of the late war, is as follows, to +wit.--_Imprimis._ The Americans were wise, brave and virtuous to struggle +for that liberty, independence and happiness, which the new government will +now render secure. _Item._ The Americans were prodigious fortunate to +obtain the said liberty, independence and happiness. A war, encounter, +combat, or, if you please, fight like this, is great and glorious; it will +immortalize the name of the renowned WASHINGTON,--more than that of +Cincinnatus, Achilles, Æneas, Alexander the Great, Scipio, Gustavus Vasa, +Mark Anthony, Kouli Khan, Cæsar or Pompey. + +HUMPHRY. Cæsar and Pompey! Why them is nigers' names. + +TRUEMAN. _O tempora! O mores!_ + +HUMPHRY. He talks Greek like a Trojan.--Tempora mores;--I suppose how +that's as much as to say, it was the temper of the Moors, that's the +nigers, for to be call'd Cæsar and Pompey.--I guess how he can give me the +exclamation of that plaguy word.--Con--let me see [_Spells it in the manner +he did before._]--Please your worshipful reverence, Mr. Schoolmaster, +what's Latin for Constitution? + +TRUEMAN. To tell you what is Latin for Constitution, will not make you a +particle the wiser; I will, therefore, explain it in the vernacular +tongue.--Constitution then, in its primary, abstract, and true +signification, is a concatenation or coacervation of simple, distinct +parts, of various qualities or properties, united, compounded, or +constituted in such a manner, as to form or compose a system or body, when +viewed in its aggregate or general nature. In its common, or generally +received, acceptation, it implies two things.--First, the nature, habit, +disposition, organization or construction of the natural, corporeal, or +animal system.--Secondly, a political system, or plan of government. This +last definition, I apprehend, explains the Constitution you mean. + +HUMPHRY. Like enough, but I don't understand a single word you've been a +talking about. + +TRUEMAN. No! 'Tis not my fault then:--If plainness of language, clearness +of description, and a grammatical arrangement of words will not suffice, I +can do no more. + +_Enter OLD LOVEYET listening._ + +HUMPHRY. I mean the Constitution that you read in the newspapers about; +that that your worship was a going to get at loggerheads with old Mr. +What's-his-name, about. + +LOVEYET. I'll old you, you rascal! + +TRUEMAN. Did you never hear your friends in the country talk of the new +Constitution? + +HUMPHRY. Not I, I never heard anybody talk about it, at the Pharisee's +Head;--I don't believe Jeremy Stave, the clark of the meeting-house, no, +nor Parson Thumpum himself ever heard of such a word--No, not even old Mr. +Scourge, the Schoolmaster. + +TRUEMAN. A hopeful genius, for a Schoolmaster, upon my education. Do you +send him to me,--I'll qualify him for that important station. + +HUMPHRY. And I'll be qualify'd I never larnt such a word when I went to his +school. + +TRUEMAN. Nor any other one, I believe, properly speaking. + +HUMPHRY. Oh yes, I'll say that for him;--he us'd to take a great deal of +pains for to larn us proper speaking. + +TRUEMAN. The Constitution you hear so much noise about, is a new +government, which some great and good men have lately contrived, and now +recommend for the welfare and happiness of the American nation. + +LOVEYET. Oh, the traitor! + +HUMPHRY. But didn't old Mr. What's-his-name say, how they wanted for to +make slaves of us? + +LOVEYET. There's _old_ Mr. What's-his-name, again. + +TRUEMAN. Mr. Loveyet is a weak man;--you must not mind what he says. + +LOVEYET. Oh, I shall burst! + +TRUEMAN. Only think now of his sending me a challenge, because I told him +he was sixty odd years of-- + +LOVEYET. [_Running towards them._] Death and the devil! Have I sent you a +challenge? + +HUMPHRY. No, not you, old gentleman. + +LOVEYET. I'll give you _old_ gentleman.--Take that, for calling me old +again. [_Offers to strike him; but missing his blow, he falls down._] Oh, +what an unlucky dog I am! My evil genius is certainly let loose today. + +TRUEMAN. Let us coolly enquire into this enigmatical affair, Mr. Loveyet. +[_Breaks open the note, and reads._] What is all this?--Booby--blockhead-- +satisfaction--challenge--courage--honour--gentleman--honour'd per Monsieur +Cubb. + +HUMPHRY. Aye, that's I. + +TRUEMAN. And pray, Mr. Cubb, who gave you this pretty epistle? + +HUMPHRY. Why, mounsieur, the barber. + +TRUEMAN. By the dignity of my profession, it must be so:--Now there's a +solution to the enigma.--Mr. Loveyet, you will excuse my mistaking this +business so much;--the paltry Frisieur never enter'd my head;--you +recollect I gave him a little flagellation this morning. + +LOVEYET. Yes, and I recollect the occasion too;--this confounded upstart +Constitution (that cause of all my crosses and troubles) is at the bottom +of every mischief. + +TRUEMAN. Yes, your wou'd-be Constitution, has indeed done a deal of +mischief. + +LOVEYET. I deny it;--it is perfectly inoffensive and mild. + +TRUEMAN. Mild, indeed:--happy would it be for America, if her government +was more coercive and energetic!--I suppose you have heard that +Massachusetts has ratified this upstart Constitution;--this is the sixth +grand column in the federal edifice; we only want three more to make up +the lucky nine; and then the nine Muses will make our western world their +permanent abode; and _he_ who is at once their Favourite and Patron, will +preside over the whole: then we shall see another Golden Age; arts will +then flourish, and literature be properly encouraged. That's the grand +_desideratum_ of _my_ wishes. + +LOVEYET. A fig for your Latin and your literature!--That's the way your +unconstitutional Constitutionalists take the advantage of our weak side, +and-- + +TRUEMAN. And the said weak side being easily discovered, as you have but +one side,--go on, sir. + +LOVEYET. And cram their unconstitutional bolus down our throats, with +Latin;--you and your vile junto of perfidious politicians want to _Latin_ +us out of our liberties. + +HUMPHRY. Well, why don't they take the law of the pollikitchens then, eigh? + +TRUEMAN. Mr. Loveyet, I never knew a man of your age and wisdom-- + +LOVEYET. Age, sir!--Wisdom!--Yes, wisdom, sir.--Age again, eigh? Ugh, ugh. + +TRUEMAN. Was there ever such preposterous behaviour!--You are getting as +crazy as your favorite Constitution. + +LOVEYET. You are crazier than either, you old blockhead, or you would not +make such a crazy speech: I say my constitution is a thousand per cent. +better than yours. Ugh, ugh, ugh. + +TRUEMAN. A pretty figure for a good constitution! What a striking instance +of health, youth, and beauty! How emblematically grotesque! The very image +of deformity and infirmity! A perfect mirror for Milton's description of +Sin and Death. + + _Not Yorick's skull, nor Hamlet's ghost, + Nor all the tragic, stage-made host; + With saucer eyes, and looks aghast, + Would make me run away so fast: + Not all who Milton's head inspire,-- + "Gorgons and Hydras and Chimæras dire!" + Nor haggard Death, nor snake-torn Sin, + Look half so ugly, old and thin; + No--all his hell-born, monstrous crew, + Are not so dire a sight as you!_ + +[_While TRUEMAN is saying this, LOVEYET appears to be in a violent + rage, and makes several attempts to interrupt the former, who shuns + LOVEYET, as if afraid._] + +LOVEYET. Fire and murder!--Must I bear to be held up for such a monster? +Perdition!--What shall I do? What shall I say?--Oh! oh! oh!--Oh! +liberty! Oh, my country! Look how he ridicules me!--Did ever any poor +man suffer so much for the good of his country!--But I won't give up the +glorious cause yet;--sir,--Mr. Trueman--I insist upon it, the new +Constitution, sir,--I say, that the old--the new--that--that--'Zounds +and fury!-- + + [_Running towards him, and making an attempt to strike him._ + +TRUEMAN. My dear Mr. Loveyet, compose yourself a little;--for heaven's +sake, sir, consider;--your animal Constitution is not able to withstand the +formidable opposition of my political one;--the shock is too great;--let me +persuade you, sir; and as soon as nine States accede to the adoption of the +new Constitution, we will investigate the merits of the old. Ha, ha, ha. + +[_This speech and the preceding one, are to be spoken at the same time; + during which, TRUEMAN and LOVEYET run about the stage, and HUMPHRY + retreats from them as they approach him._] + +_Enter HARRIET alarmed._ + +HARRIET. Oh, Papa,--my dear Papa, what's the matter! + +LOVEYET. And, sir, as sure as--as--eight times nine is sixty-three, your +new government is not bottom, not sound; and-- + +TRUEMAN. And as sure as you are sixty-three, your head is not sound. + +LOVEYET. Here is your incomparable daughter;--I came here to acquaint you +of her scandalous conduct; but now she can save me that trouble. + +TRUEMAN. How, sir! My daughter's scandalous conduct? + +LOVEYET. I was going to tell you. I caught her with a strange gallant,--a +"very particular friend;" whose "love,--friendship, I would say," was so +sincere, that she was kind enough to grant him a little "friendly freedom," +in my presence. + +TRUEMAN. Heaven protect me! There certainly must be something in this. + [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. And that I have received a letter from my son. + +HUMPHRY. Aye, now he's his son again. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. And that he will be here soon, and that when he comes, I am going +to marry him to Miss Maria Airy. + +HUMPHRY. I must go tell Mr. Lovit of that, at once. + [_Aside, and exit._ + +LOVEYET. And--but it is no matter now:--I suppose she will tell you a fine +story of a cock and a bull. + +HARRIET. I shall not be base enough to deceive a father, I give you my +honour, sir. + +LOVEYET. I am very much mistaken if you have not given _that_ to somebody +already:--A woman's honour is a very perishable commodity; a little thing +often spoils it. + +HARRIET. By what a feeble tenure does poor woman hold her character and +peace of mind!--It is true, sir, that a woman's _reputation_ is too +frequently, with ruffian cruelty, blasted in the bud, without a cause; and +that so effectually, that it seldom or never flourishes again; but let me +remind you, sir, in the words of the poet, that-- + + _"Honour's a sacred tie, the law of kings;-- + It ought not to be sported with."_ + +LOVEYET. I say it ought to be sported with; and, by my body, 'tis capital +sport, too;--eigh, Horace?--[_Sings._]--"Then hoity toity, whisky frisky, +&c." + +TRUEMAN. A truce to your insipid, hard-labour'd wit: the honour you are +pleased to call in question, is not an empty name which can be purchased +with gold; it is too inestimable to be counterpoised by that imaginary +good; otherwise the titles of Honourable and Excellent would be always +significant of his Honour's or his Excellency's intrinsic worth;--a thing +"devoutly to be wish'd," but unfortunately too seldom exemplified; for, as +the dramatic muse elegantly says of money,--"Who steals my purse, steals +trash." + +LOVEYET. I deny it;--the dramatic muse, as you call him, was a fool:--trash +indeed! Ha, ha, ha. Money trash! Ready Rhino trash! Golden, glittering, +jingling money!--I'm sure he cou'dn't mean the hard stuff. + +TRUEMAN. Very sublime conceptions, upon my erudition; and expressed by some +truly elegant epithets; but your ideas, like your conscience, are of the +fashionable, elastic kind;--self-interest can stretch them like +Indian-rubber. + +LOVEYET. What a stupid old gudgeon!--Well, you'll believe what I tell you, +sooner or later, Mr. Schoolmaster; so your servant:--as for you, Miss +Hypocrite, I wish your Honour farewell, and I guess you may do the same. + + [_Exit._ + +TRUEMAN. These insinuations, Harriet, have put my anxiety to the rack. + +HARRIET. I am happy I can so soon relieve you from it, sir. Young Mr. +Loveyet arrived this morning; but, it seems, the old gentleman has entirely +forgot him, during his long absence; and when he heard his father's +resolution, in consequence of the dispute he had with you, he did not think +proper to make himself known. It was this which made him think me so +culpable, that you hear he talks of marrying him to my friend Maria. + +TRUEMAN. I see into the mistake; but the worst construction the affair will +admit, does not justify his using you so indecently; and, if it were not +for the more powerful consideration of a daughter's happiness, I would make +him repent it. + +HARRIET. I have ever found my honoured, my only parent both wise in +concerting plans for that daughter's happiness, and good in executing them +to the utmost of his ability; and, I dare say, he does not think her +alliance with Mr. Loveyet's son will prove unfavourable to her happiness. + +TRUEMAN. Far from it, my child:--Your unusual good sense makes a +common-place lecture unnecessary, Harriet; but beware of flattery and +dissimulation; for the manners of the present age are so dissolute, that +the young fellows of these degenerate days think they cannot be fine +gentlemen without being rakes, and--in short, rascals; for they make a +merit even of debauching innocence:--indeed, that is scarcely to be +wondered at, when so many of those who are called ladies of taste and +fashion, strange as it may seem, like them the better for it;--but I hope, +you and Mr. Loveyet are exceptions to such depravity. + +HARRIET. I think I can venture to assure you, we _are_, sir;--and now, if +my father has nothing more to impart, I will take my leave of him; and be +assured, sir, your advice shall be treasured here, as a sacred pledge of +paternal love.--Adieu, Papa. + +TRUEMAN. Farewell, Harriet;--Heaven prosper your designs. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + +SCENE II. _A Street._ + +_Enter HUMPHRY and WORTHNOUGHT meeting._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Sir, your most obedient. + +HUMPHRY. Here's that mackmarony again. [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. I have not the honour to know your name, sir, but if you will +inform me what you were whispering with Mr. Loveyet about, you will make +me the most obsequious and devoted of your slaves. + +HUMPHRY. My slave!--Why, I wou'dn't have you for a slave, if you was to pay +me for it;--with your silk sattin breeches, and your lily white gloves, and +your crimp'd up toes, and your fine powder'd calabash, that's so smart +outside. + +WORTHNOUGHT. You entirely mistake my meaning, friend;--I'm a man of +quality.--Do I look like a servant, a hireling, a vile menial? + +HUMPHRY. No, you look more like a dancing-master, a fighting-master, or a +play-actor, or some such flashy folks; but looks is nothing, for everybody +dresses alike nowadays; like master, like man, as the old saying is; ecod, +you can't tell a Congressman from a marchant's 'prentice, everybody dresses +so fine. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Ha, ha, ha,--he is pasitively a very eccentric bady, and there +is a small tincture of a barbarous sart of wit in what he says; but it +wants an immensity of correction, an infinitude of polishing; he is a mere +son of nature, everything he says is express'd in such a Gathic, uncouth, +Anti-Chesterfieldian style; and as for his dress, it is pasitively most +prepasterously clownish and original. + +HUMPHRY. Why he talks as many long-winded, old-fashioned words, as the +Schoolmaster. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Mr.--Mr.--Pray what is your proper name, besides Humphry? Your +sirname, I mean. + +HUMPHRY. My proper sirname is Humphry Cubb; why our family is the most +largest family within the circumroundibus of fifty miles, and the most +grandest too, tho' I say it that shou'dn't say it; for my father's +father's great-grandfather was a just-ass of the peace, when King George +the third was a sucking baby, and, therefore, as father says, a greater +_man_ then, than he was, ha, ha, ha. And his great aunt, by his mother's +side, had the honour to be chief waiting woman to Mynheer Van +Hardsprakencrampdejawmetlongname, the Dutch governor's public +scratchetary; but I needn't go so far back neither, for I've got, at +this present time, no less than two second cousins; one of 'em is +soup-provider for the county, and t'other belongs to the liglislature, +and both belonging to our family too;--both Cubbs. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Yes, the world abounds with Cubbs, just such unlick'd ones as +you are;--there is a profusion of them in this city.--You must know, _I_ +am Dick Worthnought, esquire; a gentleman, a buck of the blood, and a--you +understand me. + +HUMPHRY. Why, your family must be as big as mine, then; for I've seen +hundreds of such Worth-nothing bloody bucks as you, since I've been in +town. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Your criticisms are perfectly barbarous and disagreeable, +'foregad; but,--will you let me know what you and the West-India young +gentleman were whispering about, at Miss Trueman's? + +HUMPHRY. Yes.--You can have Miss Trueman now, if you've a mind. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Can I? Only prove your words, and enroll me your everlasting, +your indissoluble friend, demme. + +HUMPHRY. Friend me none of your friends; I don't want such everlasting +friends as you, d'ye see, becase why, if you never make a beginning with +your friendship, I'm sure it can't be everlasting; and if you've got a mind +to shew your friendliness, I'm sure you cou'dn't have a more fitter time +than now. + +WORTHNOUGHT. What wou'd the addity have me say, I wonder. + +HUMPHRY. I wou'dn't have you say anything,--you talk too much already, for +the matter o' that; I like for to see people do things, not talk 'em. + +WORTHNOUGHT. There [_Gives him money._]--is that what you want? + +HUMPHRY. Aye, I thought you understood me well enough.--Your friendship +wants as much spurring and kicking and coaxing as our lazy old gelding at +home;--I wou'dn't trust such a friend as far as I cou'd fling a cow by the +tail. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Poh, poh,--to the point, to the point. + +HUMPHRY. Why, then you must know, how old Mr. Lovit is a going for to marry +the West-Indian young gentleman to young Mistress Airy, I think he call'd +her; and so you can go try Mistress Harriet yourself, for I'm sure she +won't have him now. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Why, pray? + +HUMPHRY. Why if she gets him, she'll get a bastard, for old Mr. Lovit isn't +his father. + +WORTHNOUGHT. No? + +HUMPHRY. No;--and then he and the Schoolmaster kick'd up a proper rumpus +about a challenge I fetch'd him; and that's all the news you'll get for +your money.--A poor shilling that won't buy ale to my oysters to-night. + + [_Exit._ + +WORTHNOUGHT [_manet_]. + +This is a lucky meeting, 'foregad;--I'll go immediately and report, that +young Loveyet has of late seen my quondam charmer carry a copy of him in +miniature about her, which (strange to tell) is continually growing nearer +to the life; and that he refuses to have her, on that account.--"If she +gets him, she will get a bastard."--By which I choose to +understand,--matters have gone so far, that she cannot save herself from +that disgrace, even if she marries him.--Now, in order that this tale of +mine may transpire briskly, I must first see some of my tattling female +friends;--they will set it a going like wild-fire.--Split me, but it is an +excellent thought;--ha, ha, ha. Poor Loveyet. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE III. _HERALD'S House._ + +_Enter CANTWELL and HERALD._ + +CANTWELL. I am very happy to find you home;--I was almost eat up with the +vapours before I saw you. [_Sighs._]--Well, what's the news, Miss Herald? + +HERALD. Nothing strange, Miss Tabitha; I am as barren of anything new, as +an old Almanack. + +CANTWELL. Oh shocking!--"as barren of anything new."--What an odious +expression!--The most vulgarest comparison in nature. + +HERALD. Umph.--I suppose, if Mr. Gracely was here, you would not be so much +in the dumps. + +CANTWELL. Ah, Miss Herald!--If you felt the corruptions of your wicked +heart, you would be in the dumps too, as you call it. + + [_Sighs._ + +HERALD. I believe there is a certain corruption in your heart, which our +sex are apt to feel very sensibly, and that is the want of a husband. + +CANTWELL. The want of a husband!--I vow, you are monstrous indelicate, Miss +Herald; I am afraid you are wandering from the paths of vartue, as dear +good Mr. Gracely says. + +HERALD. There comes his very reverse,--Mr. Worthnought. + +CANTWELL. Ah, he is a profane rake; he is lighter than vanity, as Mr. +Gracely says;--a mere painted sepulchre. + +HERALD. That ancient sepulchre of yours is pretty much daub'd, I think. + [_Aside._ + +_Enter WORTHNOUGHT._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Ladies, _J'ay bien de la joye de vous voir._ I have the +supernal and superlative hanor and felicity, of being most respectfully +yours. + +CANTWELL. I hope I have the pleasure to see Mr. Worthnought well. + +WORTHNOUGHT. _Là, Là, Mademoiselle; assez bien: Je vous suis obligé._--She +has reviv'd her wither'd chaps with rouge in a very nasty manner, 'pan +hanor. [_Aside._]--Have you heard the news, respecting Miss Harriet +Trueman, ladies? + +CANTWELL. Yes, now I think on 't, there is a report about town, that old +Mr. Loveyet saw her and another rather familiar together. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Oh, you have not heard half, madam. + +CANTWELL. Do, let us hear, Mr. Worthnought. + +HERALD. Aye, do; but do not say anything that will hurt Miss Tabitha's +delicacy; for, before you came in, I was complaining that I was _barren_ of +anything new, and she was almost ready to swoon at the expression. + +WORTHNOUGHT. If Miss Tabitha has such an antipathy to barrenness, she will +not be offended at my subject, which is a very prolific one, I assure you; +for Miss Trueman is on the verge of _bearing_ a son. + +CANTWELL. Oh, horrid! What will this wicked world come to at last!--A +good-for-nothing, wanton hussy. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Very true, madam:--by persons of easy notions of virtue, +indeed, it would be considered a trifling _faux pas_, as the French call +it; a perfect _bagatelle_; or, at most, a superficial act of incontinency; +but to those who have such rigid notions of virtue as Miss Cantwell, for +example, or Miss Herald, or their humble servant; it appears quite another +thing, quite another thing, ladies:--though it is one of my foibles;--I own +it is a fault to be so intalerably nice about the affairs of women; but it +is a laudable imperfection, if I may be allowed the phrase;--it is erring +on the safe side, for women's affairs are delicate things to meddle with, +ladies. + +CANTWELL. You are perfectly in the right, Mr. Worthnought, but one can't +help speaking up for the honour of one's sex, you know. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Very true, madam:--to make the matter still worse, ladies, Mr. +Loveyet is just arrived from abroad to be married to her; and the old +gentleman is going to ally him immediately to Miss Maria Airy in +consequence of it. + +HERALD. I am glad of that, however;--I will forgive Miss Trueman her +failing, if that is the case, for then I shall have a better chance to +gain Frankton. [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. But this is _entre nous_, ladies.--[_Looks at his watch._] +Hah,--the _tête-à-tête!_--Ladies, I have the hanor to be your slave. + + [_Going._ + +CANTWELL. You are positively the greatest lady's man, Mr. Worthnought,-- + +WORTHNOUGHT. I am proud of your compliment, madam; and I wish Miss Tabitha +could consider me such, from her own experience; it would be conferring the +highest hanor on her slave, 'pan hanor. + +CANTWELL. Oh, sir,--your politeness quite confuses me. [_Curtsying._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Miss Herald, your thrice devoted.--_Mademoiselle, je suis +votre Serviteur très humble._ + +CANTWELL. Mr. Worthnought, your servant.--[_Exit WORTHNOUGHT._]--Don't you +think he is a very pretty fellow, Miss Herald?--He's the very pattern of +true politeness; his address is so winning and agreeable,--and then, he +talks French, with the greatest felicity imaginable. + +HERALD. I cannot say I see many perfections in him; but you talk'd very +differently just now;--Mr. Worthnought then was lighter than vanity; and +now, it seems, he has more weight with you, than good Mr. Gracely. + +CANTWELL. You are only mortify'd that Mr. Worthnought took so little notice +of you, ma'am; you see he prefers me to you, though you value yourself so +much upon being a little young, ma'am; you see men of sense don't mind a +few years, ma'am; so your servant, ma'am. + + [_Exit._ + +HERALD [_manet_]. + +What a vain old fool! Now will she make this story of her swain spread like +a contagion: as for me, I must circulate it pretty briskly too; perhaps, it +may make me succeed better with Frankton; otherwise the poor girl might lie +in peaceably, for me. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. _OLD LOVEYET'S House._ + +_OLD LOVEYET discovered solus._ + +_Enter CHARLES LOVEYET._ + +CHARLES. Mr. Loveyet, your most obedient. + +LOVEYET. Sir, your servant. + +CHARLES. Don't you know me, sir? + +LOVEYET. Yes, I think I have seen you before. + +CHARLES. You really have, sir. + +LOVEYET. Oh, yes, I recollect now;--you are the person who have supplanted +my son. + +CHARLES. Indeed, sir, I am not that person. + +LOVEYET. How!--Was you not with Harriet Trueman, this morning? + +CHARLES. Yes, sir; but I have no intention to supplant your son, I assure +you; on the contrary, it is the supreme wish of my heart, that his love may +be rewarded with so rich a treasure as the amiable Harriet. + +LOVEYET. He shall be rewarded with a much richer one, if he is wise enough +to think so. + +CHARLES. If it be wisdom to prefer another to Harriet, then may I ever +remain a fool! [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. But pray, sir, what is your business with me? + +CHARLES. My business is first to know if you have any objection to my +marrying Miss Trueman, sir. + +LOVEYET. What a paradoxical fellow this is! [_Aside._]--Did not you this +minute say, you did not intend to have her? + +CHARLES. I did not, sir; I mean to have her if possible, and that without +disappointing your son; but I shall explain myself better, by telling you +who I am. Look at me well, sir--did you never see such a face before? + +LOVEYET. I hope I am not talking to a lunatic! [_Aside._]--Yes, I saw you +this morning. + +CHARLES. Did you never see me before that, sir? + +LOVEYET. [_Looks at him steadfastly._] Yes,--I'm sure I have; and I'm very +much mistaken, if--yes, that reconciles all his strange conduct;--it must +be so;--it is Charles himself. + +CHARLES. My father! + + [_Embracing him._ + +LOVEYET. And are you indeed my son? + +CHARLES. I hope I am, sir; and as such, I thus kneel to obtain forgiveness +for deceiving you so. + + [_Kneels._ + +LOVEYET. Rise up my lad;--by my body, I am rejoic'd to see you;--you did +take your father in a little, to be sure; but never mind it;--I'll take you +in another way, perhaps. + +CHARLES. I wish you would take me in the matrimonial way, sir;--that would +be a most agreeable take in. + +LOVEYET. Well, well, we shall not disagree about that:--I am very happy +this affair clears up Harriet's conduct so well; she is a fine girl, that's +certain; and, if you love her as much as you formerly did, why--I don't +know what I may not do. + +CHARLES. Oh, sir, you make me unspeakably happy! If my Love is to be the +condition of the welcome Bond, I do not care if it is executed to-morrow; +for, were the penalty an age of love, I am sure I could pay it. + +LOVEYET. By my body, I'll have a wedding soon, and a merry one too:--I'll +go and make it up with old Trueman;--but then he must not talk of the +Constitution.--That's true, Charles, what government are you for, +eigh?--The old or the new? + +CHARLES. Sir? + +LOVEYET. I say, which Constitution do you like best? + +CHARLES. What the mischief shall I say!--Now Love befriend me. [_Aside._] +Since you seem desirous of knowing my opinion on this subject, sir; I must +candidly tell you, I am decidedly in favour of the new Constitution. + +LOVEYET. Hah--the new Constitution!--A good-for-nothing, corrupted, +aristocratic profligate!--But you shall not have her now; that is as fixed +as fate. + +CHARLES. Oh, cruel event! How soon all my towering hopes fall prostrate in +the dust!--Do, sir, try and think better of the matter;--I will promise to +make myself think or do anything you please, rather than have the double +misfortune to offend my father, and lose my Harriet. + +LOVEYET. Base foe to the liberties of his country! + +CHARLES. It is very strange, sir, that you should be so violent about such +matters, at your time of life. + +LOVEYET. Hah! do you dare?--Yes, he wants to provoke me still more;--to +talk to me about my time of life! Why, I'm not old enough for your father, +you great whelp you:--Ungracious young bastard,--to have the assurance to +ridicule his father!--Out of my house, you 'scape-grace! + +CHARLES. Unnatural usage for so trivial an offense!--But I obey you, sir: +I'll remain no longer in the house of a father, who is so destitute of a +father's feelings; and since I see you value my happiness so little, sir, I +shall not think myself undutiful, if I take some necessary steps to promote +it myself. + +LOVEYET. Out of my house, I say!--Promote your own happiness, forsooth; did +you ever know any one to be happy without money, you fool?--And what will +you do, if I don't choose to give you any, eigh? + +CHARLES. As well as I can:--I have a few of your unnecessary thousands +in my hands, thank fortune;--I'll try if _they_ will not befriend me, if +their avaricious owner, and my unnatural parent will not. + [_Aside, and exit._ + +LOVEYET. My time of life, indeed.--Provoking profligate!--I'll give Miss +Airy all I'm worth, if she'll consent to have him;--the graceless fellow +has us'd me so ill, that he shall be punish'd for it. + + [_Exit._ + +_End of the Fourth Act._ + + + + +ACT V. + + +SCENE I. _A Street._ + +_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET, HUMPHRY, and a NEGRO with a trunk on his head._ + +LOVEYET. Did you hear him say so? + +HUMPHRY. Yes; he said how he was intend you should have Miss Mary Airy, or +Airy Mary, or some such a name. + +LOVEYET. Say you so, father?--I believe I shall do myself the pleasure to +baulk you. I want you to go a little way with my man; but you will be sure +to make no mistake. + +HUMPHRY. No, no, never fear me; I an't so apt for to make blunders as you. + +LOVEYET. [_Looking at his watch._] 'Sdeath! I should have been with her +half an hour ago.--I know I can depend on you. Here, Cuffy, go with this +gentleman. + +HUMPHRY. Why, if I _am_ a gentleman, Mr. Cuffy needn't give himself the +trouble;--I can carry it myself. + +CUFFY. Tankee, massa buckaraw; you gi me lilly lif, me bery glad;--disa +ting damma heby. [_Puts down the trunk._]--An de debelis crooka tone in a +treet more worsa naw pricka pear for poor son a bitch foot; an de cole +pinch um so too!-- + +LOVEYET. No, no, you shall carry it;--your head is harder than his. + +HUMPHRY. To be sure, my head _is_ a little soft. + +LOVEYET. You must let him take it to number two hundred and twenty-one, +Broadway;--will you remember the direction? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, number two hundred and twenty-one, Broadway. + +LOVEYET. Right;--and enquire for Mr. Frankton, and tell him who it is from. + +HUMPHRY. Aye, aye, let me alone for that. + + [_Exit, with NEGRO._ + +LOVEYET [_manet_]. + +I think I am even with the old gentleman now;--but I lament the necessity +of this conduct; and, if a man could eat and digest matrimony, without a +little matter of money, I would forgive my unreasonable father, with all my +heart; and he might eat his gold himself; though, by the bye, this sum of +money, in equity and good conscience, is mine.--Now he wants to cross my +inclination, by making me the rival of my friend;--what a strange whim! But +if I don't trick him out of his project and his money too, it shall not be +my fault. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. _MR. FRIENDLY'S House._ + +HARRIET [_solus_]. + +Notwithstanding the arrival of Charles, and the happy result of the +interview with my father, my mind is not at ease;--these strange rumours +must have some foundation;--one says he is married to Maria; another says, +he is discovered to be illegitimate; a third reports, he was found in +company with a woman of ill fame; and to conclude the catalogue of evil +tidings, a fourth says, that old Mr. Loveyet is going to disinherit him, in +consequence of his having made him a grandfather, since his arrival.--But +here he comes. + +_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET._ + +LOVEYET. She seems very thoughtful;--perhaps, she too has been unfortunate +in her suit to her father;--or, what is far worse, perhaps,--but I will not +cherish such gloomy apprehensions.--Your servant, madam. + +HARRIET. Good day, Mr. Loveyet.--"Your servant, madam!"--What a stoical +salutation! I fear there is too much truth in what I have heard. + [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. You seem unusually serious, Miss Harriet: I hope Mr. Trueman has +not proved relentless as you expected. + +HARRIET. No sir; it gives me pleasure to acquaint you, my father was all +kindness and forgiveness. + +LOVEYET. I wish I could say so of mine;--he indeed was kind and forgiving +too at first; but no sooner had I begun to anticipate approaching +happiness, than one luckless circumstance deprived me of all that love and +hope had inspired. + +HARRIET. An unlucky circumstance, indeed; but would the disappointment +really be so great, if you were obliged to give up the thought of an +alliance with me? + +LOVEYET. How, Miss Harriet! Give up the thought of having you!--By +heaven, it must be so!--Yes, the beau would never have presumed to say +so much if it were not so;--and Frankton's ambiguous account of them +both, confirms the suspicion;--and then the extravagant encomiums he +bestowed on her yesterday.--Confusion! my fears were just, though he +ridicul'd me for exposing them.--But she must not see my anxiety. + [_Aside._ + +HARRIET. If my doubts are well founded, he must be an adept in the art of +dissimulation. I will try him a little farther.--[_Aside._] What think you, +Mr. Loveyet, of our New-York beauties? Have not the superior charms of so +many fine women, been able to overcome such old-fashioned notions as +constancy and priority of affection? + +LOVEYET. I have beheld their beauty with equal pleasure and astonishment; +and the understanding, the affability, and vivacity, by which strangers, +with so much propriety, characterize my fair countrywomen, give them a +pre-eminence over the ladies of most other countries, that is highly +gratifying to a mind already so much attached to its native city, by the +most endearing of all human ties;--they are all that the warmest, the most +luxuriant fancy can wish; beautiful--almost beyond the possibility of an +increase of charms; and--I had almost said, they furnish room for love and +warm conceptions, "even to madness!" + +HARRIET. I am in doubt no longer;--such passionate expressions must have +Love for their prompter. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. My friend Frankton extolled them highly; but his description +derogates from their desert;--you, too, he praised;--I listened to +him--with unspeakable delight, and believed him with all the ardour of +faith and expectation; for I could readily believe that, which I had so +often, so sweetly experienced;--but when you last blest my eyes with that +enchanting form, how was the idea exceeded by the reality!--To do justice +to _such_ perfection, the praises I this minute bestowed on the ladies I +have seen, would be spiritless and insufficient!--To charms like Miss +Harriet's, what hermit could remain insensible!--_I_ was not +insensible;--the tender passion, I began so early to entertain; a passion, +which length of absence, and a succession of objects and events, had +rendered too dormant, was then excited to sensations the most exquisitely +sensible;--was then taught to glow with a flame, too fervent to be now +suppressed! + +HARRIET. Were I but sure of his sincerity! [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. With what indifference she hears me!--If she is so insensible to +the genuine effusions of a heart like mine, I am lost indeed! But I will +try a little deception to discover the truth. [_Aside._]--What a lovely +picture Mr. Frankton drew of Miss Airy! But it was not too highly finished; +for a thousand Loves and Graces have conspired, to make her the most +accomplished of her sex. + +HARRIET. My pride shall not let him triumph over my chagrin. [_Aside._]--I +know Miss Airy to be as accomplished as you represent her, sir: and Mr. +Frankton gave such a lovely description of her, you say;--I dare say he +did;--oh,--yes--yes [_Appears disconcerted, by striving to hide her +concern._]--he loves her to distraction;--Mr. Frankton has doubtless made a +wise choice. + +LOVEYET. By all that's false, she is concerned at Frankton's having +praised his mistress! She absolutely loves him! [_Aside._ + +HARRIET. And you have seen the amiable Miss Airy, sir. + +LOVEYET. Forgive me, honour and veracity. [_Aside._]--Yes, Miss Trueman; +and not without a deep sense of her uncommon worth and beauty. + +HARRIET. I admire your discernment, sir;--Mr. Frankton, too, is a very nice +judge of female merit; and he cannot evince his judgment better, than by +praising my friend Maria. + +LOVEYET. Pardon me, madam: with submission to your friend's merit, I think +his panegyric would better apply to you. + +HARRIET. That compliment is too great, to be meant, I fancy. + +LOVEYET. I rather think, you value the author of it so little, that you +would as soon he should withhold it, madam. + +HARRIET. Certainly, sir, when I have reason to think there is another who +has a better right to it, and for whom it is secretly intended. + +LOVEYET. You wrong me much, madam:--some tattling gossip or designing +knave, has whispered some falsehood to my prejudice;--probably my +_rival_,--Mr. Worthnought. + +HARRIET. If you have come here with a design to use me ill, sir, I beg you +will tell me so, and then I shall act accordingly. + +LOVEYET. Your actions accord very illy with your _professions_, I think, +madam. + +HARRIET. _Your_ duplicity, sir, both in word and action, justifies my +retorting that ungenerous accusation. + +LOVEYET. I entreat you to believe me, Miss Harriet, when I say, I am +unconscious of having done anything I ought to be ashamed of, since my +arrival: I am so confident of this, that the circulation of a malicious +rumour, however dishonourable to me, would give me little disquiet, did I +not reflect, that it is the object of Harriet's credulity;--a reflection, +that is the source of real unhappiness to me:--be kind then, Harriet, and +tell me wherein I am guilty;--obscurity in a matter so interesting, gives +more torture to the mind, than the most unwelcome truth. + +HARRIET. He must be sincere. [_Aside._]--Your request shall be comply'd +with, sir.--The principal offence you are charged with, is your having been +smitten by the lady, on whom you have bestowed such liberal +commendation;--be that as it may, I heard Mr. Loveyet talk of such a +match:--I believe it will require a more able advocate than yourself, to +defend _this_ cause. + +LOVEYET. Suppose I assure you, on the sacred honour of a gentleman, that +what you have heard is false;--suppose I add the more important sanction of +an oath, to seal the truth. + +HARRIET. I will save you that trouble:--you have an advocate _here_, which +has already gained your cause. + +LOVEYET. Oh, Harriet, you are too good!--Conscious as I am of the rectitude +of my conduct, as it respects my Harriet;--sure as I am of not deserving +your displeasure, I still feel myself unworthy of such matchless goodness. + +HARRIET. You say too much; and compel me to tell you that you merit my +highest esteem. + +LOVEYET. Esteem! What a cold epithet!--And am not I entitled to something +more than _esteem_? + +HARRIET. Excuse the poverty of the expression; and be assured, my heart +dictated a more exalted word;--let this confession atone for the fault. + +LOVEYET. And yet I would fain attract your esteem too; for, I have heard +connoisseurs in the science of Love say, it is possible to _love_ an +object, and that to distraction, without having a particle of _esteem_ for +it. + +HARRIET. I have assured you that _my_ esteem is at least equalled by a more +passionate affection:--but how strangely you talk!--First you acknowledge +yourself unworthy of my favour;--then you are alarmed that I should only +esteem you; and when I talk of a passion, superior to mere _Platonic_ love, +you are afraid, on the other hand, it is a blind, enthusiastic impulse, not +founded on _esteem_.--How inconsistent are lovers! + +LOVEYET. Your reasoning, like your person, surprises, charms and +subdues:--I will be more consistent;--but our contention is only for +pre-eminence in love;--delightful emulation! Agreeable inconsistency! + +HARRIET. I am now ashamed of my childish suspicions; but I should not have +been so credulous, had it not been for an affection, which rendered my +better judgment blind to the fallacy, and made me more apprehensive of your +inconstancy, than satisfied of your innocence; and this disposed me to +misinterpret every thing you said. + +LOVEYET. And your apparent indifference, in consequence of that +misinterpretation, excited similar suspicions in me; and thus, mutual +distrust produced mutual misapprehension. + +HARRIET. But you have not told me the particulars of your interview with +old Mr. Loveyet. + +LOVEYET. Were you to hear those particulars, they would only afford you +pain;--'tis sufficient for me to tell you, he has turned me out of his +house, only because I told him, I was a friend to the new Constitution, +forsooth. + +HARRIET. He is a strange character:--when I call'd on my father, I was +alarmed to find them at high words;--and he abus'd _me_ most unmercifully. + +LOVEYET. He did? 'Tis well for him he has call'd himself my father;--but if +my Harriet consents, I will immediately put myself in a situation that will +justify my preventing his future ill usage:--Fortune has enabled me to act +independent either of his frown or his favour;--I have taken such measures, +in consequence of his base usage, as will guard us against the effects of +the one, without obliging us to cringe for the other. + +HARRIET. I am happy to hear it; but affluence is not my object, nor poverty +my dread; and I am happy I can convince you how little I desire an alliance +for interest, by now tendering you the whole of my trifling fortune, in +case your father should deprive you of yours. + +LOVEYET. Charming Harriet! Miracle of disinterested love! Thus let me +evince my gratitude. + + [_Kneels, and kisses her hand._ + +HARRIET. Pray do not worship me, Mr. Loveyet; I am less generous than you +imagine;--self-love is at the bottom of this noble declaration; for if I +did not suppose you capable of making me happier than any other man, I +would keep both my fortune and my person, to myself. + +LOVEYET. Better and better!--Your explanation gives me new reason to adore +such uncommon worth, and makes me blest beyond measure! By heaven, New-York +does not contain such a fortunate fellow! + +_Enter FRANKTON._ + +HARRIET. [_Seeing FRANKTON._]--Ha, ha. You could not say more, if you were +addressing my friend Maria. + +LOVEYET. Talk not of your friend Maria,-- + +HARRIET. You talked enough of her perfections just now, for both of us. + +FRANKTON. He did, eigh? [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. I spoke of her as I thought she deserv'd; she is a lovely +creature, but--but [_Sees FRANKTON._]--Frankton! + +FRANKTON. I hope Miss Trueman will excuse my coming in so abruptly:--I have +been looking for Mr. Loveyet, all over the city; at last I concluded, I +might find him here. + +HARRIET. Really sir; and pray, what made you conclude so? + +FRANKTON. I thought it was within the compass of probability, madam. + +LOVEYET. Perhaps it was the lady you wanted to see so much, Frankton;--that +_she_ might be here, was certainly within the compass of probability. + +FRANKTON. Had I then known what I have discovered since, I should have +looked for you at some place not very distant from the lady, whose +perfections you have been contemplating with so much admiration; for by +Miss Harriet's account, you have seen her, perhaps, more than once. + +LOVEYET. I saw her yesterday, and was charmed with her beauty.--Whenever +I am betrayed into one falsehood, I am obliged to support it with twenty +more. [_Aside._ + +HARRIET. It is really so, sir;--he was enraptured with her idea just +now.--I fear your friend is your rival, sir. + +LOVEYET. And I fear my friend is my rival, madam. + +HARRIET. Nay, what cause have you for _such_ a fear? + +LOVEYET. About as good as you have, my dear.--I am glad you came in when +you did, Frankton; for you must know, we have had certain mutual doubts and +jealousies; in consequence of which, a little ill-natured altercation, +otherwise called love, ensued: a small foretaste of conjugal felicity; but +the short-liv'd storm soon subsided, and a reconciliation made all calm +again. + +FRANKTON. I have something to say to you in private, Loveyet. [_Aside to +LOVEYET._]--I am sorry to deprive you of Mr. Loveyet's company, madam; but +I trust you will excuse me, when I tell you I have particular business with +him. + +HARRIET. By all means, sir. + +FRANKTON. Your most obedient, madam. + +LOVEYET. [_Goes up to HARRIET._]--Adieu;--expect me soon, and be assured of +my unalterable fidelity. + + [_Exit with FRANKTON._ + +HARRIET. Farewell.--I wish he had look'd for you a little farther, before +he had taken you away.--There are so many captivating objects in the city +(as he has already seen and declared), and dissipation abounds so much +among us, that who knows, if he is now sincere, how long he will remain +so;--and how long after marriage:--"Ah, there's the rub."--Well, matrimony +will put his constancy to the test, that's one comfort;--it is a hazardous +expedient, but it is a certain one. + + +SCENE III. _A Street._ + +_Enter FRANKTON and YOUNG LOVEYET._ + +LOVEYET. He denounces perpetual enmity against me; threatens me with +beggary, and (what is worse) resolves to prevent my union with Harriet, and +thus blast all my hopes; but I shall take care to disappoint his views;--I +have just sent the most valuable part of my property to-- + +FRANKTON. Hah! There goes Miss Airy, I believe:--pray excuse me, Charles; +perhaps she has observed me. You have eased my mind of its doubts, and your +resolution has made your friend happy.--Adieu. + + [_Exit in haste._ + +LOVEYET [_manet_]. + +A plague take your hurry, I say:--In the very moment of my telling him +about sending the money to his house, he must conceit he saw Miss +Airy;--but he has not received it yet, or he would have told me.--I hope +Humphry has made no mistake;--I must see about it immediately. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. _The Street before MARIA'S House._ + +_Enter HUMPHRY and NEGRO with a trunk._ + +HUMPHRY. This here is the house, I warrant you;--these crooked figures is +enough for to puzzle a lawyer.--He said number two hundred and +twenty-one:--two two's and a one stands for that, and there it is. +[_Knocks,--SERVANT comes out._] Does one Mr. Frankton live here, pray? + +SERVANT. No;--he is here pretty often though, and I expect he will live +here altogether, by and by. + +HUMPHRY. Aye, I suppose he's only a lodger;--yes, this must be the place. + +SERVANT. 'Tis not the place you want, I believe.--Mr. Airy lives here. + +HUMPHRY. Mr. Airy! Aye, aye, now I've got it.--Here, Mr. What-d'ye-call'um, +will you please to tell Miss Mary, somebody wants for to speak to her. +[_Exit SERVANT._] Now I've found out the mistake;--since I told him how the +old man was a going for to marry him to Miss Mary, he thought he must obey +the old fellow, for fear he shou'dn't let him have any of his money, and +she's got a swinging fortune, they say; so he sent the trunk to her.--But +what shou'd he tell me to take it to Mr. Frankton's for?--Why I suppose he +thought I should find him here, for the man says he's here very often:--and +then the number on the door; why, that settles the matter at once,--there +can't be two numbers alike, in the same street, sartainly:--Yes, he's made +one of his old blunders. + +_SERVANT returns._ + +SERVANT. Please to walk in, sir. + +HUMPHRY. Aye, aye;--here, master Cuffy, this way. + + [_They go in._ + + +SCENE V. _A Room in MARIA'S House._ + +_MARIA and OLD LOVEYET discovered sitting._ + +LOVEYET. It certainly is a mistake, madam; I have sent nothing out of my +house to-day. + +MARIA. He said it was from Mr. Loveyet, sir.--I confess I could not +conceive what could induce you to send me a trunk of money. + +LOVEYET. Who brought it, madam? + +MARIA. A clownish kind of person, sir,--a countryman, I believe. + +LOVEYET. Ah, now I begin to suspect something.--What a sad rascal!--want +to cheat his father! But this lucky mistake will spoil his project. + [_Aside._ + +MARIA. You are striving to unravel the mystery, sir.--I am afraid the man +has made some serious mistake. + +LOVEYET. No matter,--it could not have come to a more suitable place; for, +now it is here, it shall be yours, if you will consent to a proposal I have +to make to you; for I have discovered it to be my property, after all. + +MARIA. If I can with propriety consent to anything you may propose, I will, +sir;--but I hope you do not think either your or your son's _money_ will +tempt me. + +LOVEYET. No, madam,--that is to say, I dare say it will not tempt you to +do anything that is wrong;--but money is a tempting thing too,--though +not quite so tempting as Miss Maria.--Hem, hem.--There was a delicate +compliment for her! [_Aside._ + +MARIA. Mercy on me! What can the ugly old mortal mean! It cannot be +possible he would have the vanity to propose his odious self. + [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. You must know, madam, my son has lately arrived from the +West-Indies-- + +MARIA. Really?--You rejoice me, sir.--Happy, happy Harriet! + +LOVEYET. Not so happy as you imagine, madam; for she is not to have my son, +I assure you; I intend a lady of greater beauty and merit for him, who is +not very far from me now,--provided she and her father have no +objection.--There I put it home to her [_Aside._]. Ugh, ugh. + +MARIA. I fear there is something in this rumour about Harriet. + [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. Come, shall it be so, eigh?--Well, silence gives consent.--I know +you can't have any particular objection. I must have you for a--Ugh, ugh, +uh. + +MARIA. I must humour this joke a little. [_Aside._]--The honour you wish to +confer on me, is so great, Mr. Loveyet, that I want words to express a +suitable acknowledgment;--but what will the world say, when a gentleman of +Mr. Loveyet's sedateness and experience stoops to a giddy girl like me? + +LOVEYET. By my body, she thinks I want to have her myself.--Why, what a +lucky young dog I am! I wish old Trueman was here now;--'ods my heart, and +my life, and my--ugh, ugh,--but I must talk the matter over coolly with +her. Hem, hem. [_Aside._]--Oh, you dear little charming, angelic +creature;--I love you so much, I cou'd find in my heart to--'Zounds! I +cou'd eat you up.--By my body, but you must give me a sweet kiss. [_Offers +to kiss her._] 'Sblood! I can't bear it any longer. [_Snatches a +kiss._]--Ugh, ugh. + +MARIA. What a preposterous old dotard! [_Aside._]--You will excuse me, Mr. +Loveyet; I have company waiting for me. + +LOVEYET. By all means, my blossom;--it goes to my very heart to part with +you, though;--but go to your company, my love, go, go.--I wou'dn't +disoblige you, nor put the least thing in your way, for the seraglio--of +the Grand Seignior. You may give up the trunk to my son now, if he calls +for it, my love. [_Exit MARIA._] Oh, what a dear creature! Such sweet +lips,--such panting, precious, plump, little--oh, I cou'd jump out of my +skin at the thoughts of it!--By my body, I must have her, and poor Charles +may have Harriet, for all.--A fig for both the Constitutions now, I say; I +wou'dn't give my dear little Maria for a score of them. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE VI. _A Street._ + +_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET._ + +I wish I could find that fellow;--I cannot think he has been +treacherous;--but it is very strange, neither he nor my man have returned +yet:--I am tired of seeking Frankton too;--since he made free to call at +Harriet's for me, I think I will go to Miss Airy's for him: they say she +lives near by. [_Enter HUMPHRY._]--Well, sir, what have you done with the +trunk? + +HUMPHRY. Why, what you told me, to be sure. I've been a making your man +Cuffy drunk, with some of the money you give me; but he's 'most sober now. + +LOVEYET. Did you see Mr. Frankton? + +HUMPHRY. No; but I carried the trunk to his lodgings though: I was just a +going to Mr. Airy's, to see if I cou'dn't find you there. + +LOVEYET. Mr. Airy's? + +HUMPHRY. Aye,--where Mr. Frankton lodges; number two hundred and +twenty-one;--there it is before your eyes. + +LOVEYET. That is number one hundred and twenty-two;--you did not carry it +there, I hope. + +HUMPHRY. Yes I did.--Why isn't that the place? + +LOVEYET. Confound your dull brains!--Did you not enquire who liv'd there? + +HUMPHRY. Yes, Mr. Airy lives there. + +LOVEYET. What a strange circumstance!--You are sure Mr. Airy lives there. + +HUMPHRY. Sure and sartin;--why I see the young lady you're a going to be +married to, and I give her the trunk; for I think the sarvint said how Mr. +Frankton lodg'd there.--I hope there's no harm done. + +LOVEYET. I hope so too;--I must step in, and see; but this is the last time +I shall send you with a message. + + [_Goes in._ + +HUMPHRY. Like enough, for I'm a going home in the country to-morrow. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE VII. _TRUEMAN'S House._ + +_Enter TRUEMAN_ [_reading a letter_]. + +This is very unaccountable;--Richard Worthnought, eigh:--I wish, Mr. +Worthnought, you had been at my school a while, before you scrawl'd this +wretched epistle:--but the subject is still more unintelligible. + +_Enter WORTHNOUGHT._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Mr. Trueman, I am yours. + +TRUEMAN. I deny it.--Heaven forbid, such a thing as you should be either +mine or my daughter's! + +WORTHNOUGHT. I should not gain much credit by the alliance, I believe.--You +have received my letter, sir, I presume. + +TRUEMAN. I think you _presume_--rather more than becomes you, sir. + +WORTHNOUGHT. I find, the foolish old Put don't like me. [_Aside._]--I am +sorry you do not approve of my offer; but, but--a--rat me, but I must have +her, for all that. Ha, ha, ha;--'foregad, I must, old gentleman. + +_Enter OLD LOVEYET._ + +LOVEYET. But I say you shall not have her, sir;--there, I suppose you will +have the impudence to call _me old_ gentleman next. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Demme, sir; what have _you_ to do with his daughter? + +LOVEYET. Nothing; but my son has something to do with her: ha'n't he, +friend Horace? + +TRUEMAN. Heyday! what does all this mean?--Has any State rejected the new +Constitution? + +WORTHNOUGHT. Come, let's have no palitics, for gad's sake;--rat the +canstitution:--I wou'dn't give _une Fille de joye_, for all the musty +canstitutions in christendom. + +TRUEMAN. By the dignity of my profession, you never read Publius then; or +you would have liked _one_ constitution. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Publius! ha, ha, ha.--I read Publius! Not I, sir, I assure +you:--an _outré_ fellow,--a dull, mysterious, mechanical writer, as ever I +refused to read, split me. + +LOVEYET. So he is, so he is, sir: by my body, I am glad to find _somebody_ +of my mind. + + [_TRUEMAN and LOVEYET retire to the back of the stage._ + +_Enter FRANKTON and HUMPHRY._ + +FRANKTON. You saw him go into Miss Airy's house, this morning, you say. + +HUMPHRY. Yes. [_Walks thoughtlessly about the stage._ + +FRANKTON. I think, this is a tolerable confirmation of the matter. + [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Hah,--Frankton;--'foregad, I am yours, superlatively. + +FRANKTON. Are you, positively? Hah,--she is here. [_Enter MARIA, on the +opposite side._] Your humble servant, Miss Airy. + +MARIA. [_Pretends to take no notice of FRANKTON._] Mr. Trueman, I hope I +have the pleasure to see you well. + +TRUEMAN. I thank you, madam. [_Resumes his discourse with LOVEYET, who does +not yet observe MARIA._] + +MARIA. I hoped to have found Miss Harriet here, sir. + +TRUEMAN. Madam?-- [_Turns to LOVEYET again._ + +LOVEYET. Therefore, sir, as I was telling you, I am determined to have +her. [_To TRUEMAN._ + +TRUEMAN. [_Leaving LOVEYET._] How is this, madam?--Mr. Loveyet tells me, he +is determined to have you. + +FRANKTON. Who! How!--Have who, sir? [_Loud and earnestly._ + +LOVEYET. [_Seeing MARIA._] By my body, there she is herself.--Have who, +sir?--Why, have this lady, sir; who do you think?--My sweet Miss Airy, I +have the transcendent pleasure to kiss your hand, ugh, ugh. + +MARIA. Oh, fie, Mr. Loveyet.--I will have the pleasure to tease +Frankton, now. [_Retires with OLD LOVEYET, whispering, and looking +tenderly at him._] + +FRANKTON. Amazement!--The _old_ fellow! [_Aside._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. This is all very astanishing, 'foregad:--demme, but she +deserves to die an old maid, if she has _him_. [_Aside._ + +MARIA. [_Pretends to observe FRANKTON, for the first time._]--Mr. +Frankton!--I did not observe you before: I give you joy of your friend's +arrival, sir;--I suppose you have seen him;--he is very agreeable. + +FRANKTON. Then I need not ask you, if you have seen him, madam. + +MARIA. He was at my house not two hours ago. + +FRANKTON. Did not you see him before that, madam? + +MARIA. I did not, sir. + +FRANKTON. Detested falsehood! [_Aside._ + +MARIA. The old gentleman acquainted me of his arrival, only a few minutes +before. + +LOVEYET. Eigh, how,--old gentleman!--she did not mean me, I hope. + [_Aside._ + +FRANKTON. And you think Mr. Loveyet is so agreeable then. + +LOVEYET. Aye, that's me;--by my body, he is jealous of me. Ha, ha; poor +young fool! [_Aside._ + +FRANKTON. He thinks very highly of _you_, I assure you, madam; he speaks of +you with admiration. + +MARIA. And what of that, sir?--You speak as if you thought +him my _only_ admirer. [_Affectedly._ + +FRANKTON. Disgusting vanity! [_Aside._]--No, madam,--the number of your +admirers is at least equal to that of your acquaintance;--but there is only +one, who sincerely _loves_, as well as admires you. + +LOVEYET. Come, come, sir; none of your airs, sir:--_love_ her +indeed;--why--why, she don't love _you_. + [_Ogling and winking at her, &c._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Ha, ha, gudgeons all, demme;--old square toes is cursedly +bit; I see that. [_Aside._ + +MARIA. Mr. Loveyet, I return'd the trunk to your son. + +HUMPHRY. His son.--Ha, ha. + +LOVEYET. Yes, yes, he told me so just now:--the poor dog was ready to jump +out of his skin, when I told him he should have Harriet. + +_Enter CANTWELL and HERALD._ + +WORTHNOUGHT. Oh, the devil!--Now shall I be blown up, like a barrel of +gun-powder. [_Aside._ + +CANTWELL. Servant, gentlemen and ladies.--How is your daughter, Mr. +Trueman? I hope she is likely to do well. + +TRUEMAN. I hope she is, madam; it is a match which we all approve. + +CANTWELL. No, no, sir; I mean concerning her late affair. + +HERALD. Why, young Loveyet certainly would not stoop so low, as to have her +now. + +TRUEMAN. 'Zounds! Why not, pray? + +LOVEYET. What, in the name of ill luck, can they mean!--I hope, I--oh, +there they come. + +_Enter HARRIET and CHARLES LOVEYET._ + +CANTWELL. Oh, dear, here they are;--why she don't look as if that was +the case. [_To HERALD._ + +TRUEMAN. I desire, ladies, to know what you mean, by these mysterious +whispers. + +CANTWELL. La! sir; you only want to put a body to the blush; but if you +want an explanation, that gentleman [_Pointing to WORTHNOUGHT._] can give +it to you. + +CHARLES. The villain! [_Aside._]--I fancy _I_ could explain it as well. + +WORTHNOUGHT. Hem, hem,--now comes on my trial. [_Aside._ + +CHARLES. But first,--your blessing, sir. [_Kneels to his father._ + +HARRIET. And yours, sir. [_Kneels to TRUEMAN._ + +LOVEYET. What,--married already! + +CHARLES. This ten minutes, sir. [_Rising._ + +CANTWELL } + AND } Married! +HERALD } + +WORTHNOUGHT. Then my ill-star'd fortune is decided. [_Aside._ + +TRUEMAN. Upon my erudition, you have been too precipitate, Harriet; but +I have no reason to think, you will repent it; you, therefore, have my +sincerest benediction. [_Raising her._ + +MARIA. I give you joy, my dear. [_To HARRIET._ + +FRANKTON. Now all my fears have vanished. + [_Aside, and goes to YOUNG LOVEYET._ + +LOVEYET. By my body, you have made quick work of it, Charles. + +CHARLES. For fear of the worst, I have. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. But--but are you in favour of the new Constitution yet? + +CHARLES. At present I can think of no Constitution but that of Love and +Matrimony, sir. + +LOVEYET. And I shall be sorry if your matrimonial Constitution does not +prove the better one of the two.--Eigh, Maria? + +WORTHNOUGHT. Dick Worthnought, esquire, thou art an ass and a liar; and, +what is worse than both,--as poor as poverty. Oh, Fortune, thou blind +disposer of human events, when wilt thou make a man of me? + + [_Going angrily._ + +CHARLES. Stay a little, if you please, sir.--My happiness is too great at +present, to let me take that revenge, which the baseness of your conduct +deserves: but justice bids me accuse you of having wickedly, and without +cause, endeavoured to injure the reputation of this lady, whom it is my +highest boast and felicity now to call my wife; my making her such, +however, at the very time when the baneful tongue of Slander is so diligent +to damn her spotless fame,--[_Looking significantly at CANTWELL and +HERALD._]--will at once convince the public of her innocence, and the +cruelty of her enemies. With her, you have also injured her connexions; but +I, for my own part, am fully satisfied with those symptoms of shame and +repentance, which you now evince. + +TRUEMAN. Upon my education, I did not think him susceptible of either.--A +few minutes ago, I received this audacious epistle from him. + +"Sir, I have the honour to--acquaint you--that I have an inclination--to +marry your daughter,--notwithstanding--the late scandalous--reports that +are transpiring to her disadvantage, and (what is still worse) +the--comparative meanness--of her fortune to mine."--The comparative +meanness of her fortune to mine. + +HARRIET, } +MARIA, } +LOVEYET, } Ha, ha, ha. +CHARLES, } +FRANKTON,} + +WORTHNOUGHT. Never was put so much to my trumps, 'foregad. + + [_Exit._ + +HERALD. Unmannerly wretches! [_Scornfully, and exit._ + +CANTWELL. Oh, the wickedness of this wicked world! [_Exit after her._ + +LOVEYET. Why, this is just as it should be now;--I think business goes on +finely. + +MARIA. You will not think so, much longer. [_Aside._ + +LOVEYET. By my body, I am as merry as a cricket;--an't you, +Maria? For my part, I feel so well pleased, I could find in my +heart to--to do as you have done;--[_To CHARLES._] cou'dn't you, +my love? [_To MARIA._ + +MARIA. Yes, sir. + +LOVEYET. Oh, you dear little rogue! With whom, eigh, with whom?--Don't +be bashful,--tell them.--I know she means me. [_Aside._ + +MARIA. I beg to be excused from telling that, sir; but I will tell you who +it is I would _not_ have. + +LOVEYET. Aye, that's him.--[_Aside, looking at FRANKTON._]--Well, who is it +you won't have, Maria, who is it? + +MARIA. You, sir. [_Emphatically._ + +LOVEYET. Me, eigh?--me--me, Maria? + +CHARLES. Preposterous infatuation! + +LOVEYET. D----'d, wanton, treacherous jilt! + [_Walks about discomposed._ + +MARIA. You have jilted yourself, sir;--nothing but excess of dotage and +self-conceit could have let you impose on yourself in such a manner. + +FRANKTON. And may I then hope-- + +MARIA. Hope?--Oh, yes, sir;--you have my permission to _hope_ for anything +you please. + +CHARLES. And you, madam, the disposition to gratify his hopes, I fancy. + +LOVEYET. I fancy you lie, sir; and you sha'n't have Harriet, for your +impertinence. + +CHARLES. Excuse me, father;--it is not in your power to prevent that;--the +happy deed is already executed. + +LOVEYET. 'Zounds! that's true!--and, what is still worse, the other deed is +executed too.--Fire and fury! All is lost, for the sake of that inveigling, +perfidious young Syren. Ugh, ugh, ugh. + +TRUEMAN. [_Burlesquing what LOVEYET has said in a former scene._] "'Sdeath, +sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: she sha'n't be more than +thirty odd, sir; and she shall be ten years younger than I am too.--A man +of five and forty, old, forsooth!" Ha, ha, ha. + +LOVEYET. Perdition! Is this what I have come to at last?--Despis'd,-- +betray'd,--laugh'd at,--supplanted by a puppy,--[_Pointing to FRANKTON_]-- +trick'd out of my money by a graceless, aristocratic son,--I--I'll--I'll +go hang myself. + + [_Exit in a passion._ + +HUMPHRY. This is, for all the world, like the show I see t'other night, at +the Play-house. + +CHARLES. His agitation of mind distresses me: my happiness is not complete, +while it is enjoyed at the expense of a father's:--painful reflection!--We +will go immediately, Harriet, and endeavour to pacify him. + + _His conduct shall instruct the hoary Sage, + That youth and beauty were not meant for age; + His rage, resentment, av'rice, dotage, pride, + (Sad view of human nature's frailest side!) + Shall mend us all;--but chiefly I shall prove, + That all his Politics, can never match my LOVE._ + +_The End._ + + + + +TRANSCRIBERS' NOTES: + + +General: Variable hyphenation of mack(-)marony and to(-)day as in original. +Page 353: Politican corrected to Politician. +Footnote 2: Geneological as in original text (twice). + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Politician Out-Witted, by Samuel Low + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED *** + +***** This file should be named 29227-8.txt or 29227-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/2/2/29227/ + +Produced by David Starner, Brownfox and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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