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diff --git a/29227-h/29227-h.htm b/29227-h/29227-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a5fac5 --- /dev/null +++ b/29227-h/29227-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4789 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Politician Out-witted, by Samuel Low. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + clear:both; +} + + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; +} /* page numbers */ + +.bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + +.bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + +.bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + +.br {border-right: solid 2px;} + +.bbox {border: solid 2px;} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-style:normal;} + +.u {text-decoration: underline;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + +/* Images */ +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + + +/* Footnotes */ +.footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + +.footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +.footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + +.fnanchor { + vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: + none; +} + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { + margin-left:50%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align: left; +} + +.poem br {display: none;} + +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em -10em;} + +.poem span.i0 { + display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i2 { + display: block; + margin-left: 2em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i4 { + display: block; + margin-left: 4em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.tnote {width: 25em; + border: 1px dashed #808080; + background-color: #f6f6f6; + text-align: justify; + padding: 0.5em; + margin: 6em auto 6em auto;} +.gap2 {margin-top:2em;} +.gap3 {margin-top:3em;} +.gap6 {margin-top:6em;} +.hangindent {padding-left:3em;margin-left:3em;text-indent:-3em;} +.befstagedir {float:left;width:auto;margin-top:0em; margin-bottom:0em;} +.stagedir {text-align:right;clear:none;} +.gap15 {margin-top:1.5em;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Politician Out-Witted, by Samuel Low + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Politician Out-Witted + +Author: Samuel Low + +Release Date: June 26, 2009 [EBook #29227] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Brownfox and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<div class="tnote"><p class="center"><b>Transcribers' Note:</b></p> +<p>This e-book contains the text of <i>The Politician Out-witted</i>, extracted from +<b>Representative Plays by American Dramatists: Vol 1, 1765-1819</b>. Comments and +background to all the plays, and links to the other plays are available +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/29221/29221-h/29221-h.htm">here</a>.</p> +<p>For your convenience, the transcribers have provided the following links:</p> +<p class="center"> +<a href="#SAMUEL_LOW"><b>SAMUEL LOW</b></a><br /> +<a href="#DRAMATIS_PERSONAE"><b>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ</b></a><br /> +<a href="#ACT_I"><b>ACT I.</b></a><br /> +<a href="#ACT_II"><b>ACT II.</b></a><br /> +<a href="#ACT_III"><b>ACT III.</b></a><br /> +<a href="#ACT_IV"><b>ACT IV.</b></a><br /> +<a href="#ACT_V"><b>ACT V.</b></a><br /> +</p> + +<p>Spelling as in the original has been preserved.</p> +</div> + +<h3>THE</h3> + +<h1>POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED</h1> + + +<h2><i>By</i> <span class="smcap">Samuel Low</span></h2> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span></p> + + + +<p class="center gap3"><a name="SAMUEL_LOW" id="SAMUEL_LOW"></a>SAMUEL LOW</p> + +<p class="center">(b. December 12, 1765)</p> + + +<p>Very little is known about the author of "The Politician Out-witted,"<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> +a play which I have selected as representative of the +efforts of the American drama, as early as 1789, to reflect the political +spirit of the time. Assiduous search on the part of the present +editor has failed to bring to light any information from any +of the historical societies regarding Mr. Low, except that he was +born on December 12, 1765, and that he must have been, in his +political sympathies, an anti-federalist. The reader who is interested +in literary comparisons might take this play of Low's and +read it in connection with Dunlap's "The Father," in which a +prologue gives a very excellent example of the American spirit. +Dunlap's "Darby's Return" might likewise be read in connection +with "The Politician Out-witted," inasmuch as it refers to the +Federal Constitution, and to Washington's inauguration.</p> + +<p>The present play, which was opposed to the Federal union, was, +according to some authorities, offered to the actors, Hallam and +Henry, and was promptly rejected by them. There is no record +of the piece having thereafter succeeded in reaching the theatre. +It is mentioned both in Dunlap and in Seilhamer in a casual +manner.</p> + +<p>In the New York Directory, of 1794, we find Samuel Low mentioned +as a clerk in the Treasury Department, and, in a later Directory +of 1797-1798, he is referred to as the first bookkeeper in +the Bank of New York.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span></p><p>In the preface to his published poems, after the diffident manner +of the time, Low says: "Many of the pieces were written at a +very early age, and most of them under singular disadvantages; +among which, application to public business, for many years past, +was not the least; not only because it allowed little leisure for +literary pursuits, but because it is of a nature peculiarly inimical +to the cultivation of poetic talent. For his own amusement and +improvement he has written—at the request of his friends he +publishes."</p> + +<p>We know that he was a writer of odes, exhibiting some grace +in his handling of this poetic form. He is also credited with having +written a long poem entitled "Winter Displayed," in 1794. +In 1800, two volumes of poems appeared in New York, and +among the subscribers listed were John Jacob Astor, William +Dunlap, Philip Hone, Dr. Peter Irving, and members of the +Beekman and Schermerhorn families.<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> Examining the contents of +these volumes, one discovers that Samuel Low, in a social and fraternal +way, must have been a very active member of New York +society. On January 8, 1800, his "Ode on the Death of Washington" +was recited by Hodgkinson at the New York Theatre.</p> + +<p>At St. Paul's Church, and at Trinity Church, his anthems and +odes were ever to the fore. He must have been a member of the +Tammany Society, or Columbian Order, because a "Hymn to +Liberty" was penned by him, and sung in church on the anniversary +of that organization, May 12, 1790.</p> + +<p>His Masonic interests are indicated throughout the volume by +poems written especially for such orders as the Holland Lodge, +and the Washington Chapter of Royal Arch Masons. He was +also asked to write an epitaph on John Frederick Roorbach.</p> + +<p>His interest in politics may likewise be seen in several poems +written about the Constitution of the United States; while his +literary taste may be measured by his tribute to Kotzebue, the +"second Shakespeare," in which occur the lines:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>The purest, sweetest among modern bards</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Who tread the difficult dramatic path.</i>"<br /></span> +</div></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span></p> +<p>Except for this, as one of the biographical sources says, nothing +is known of Low's history, "and he is only saved from absolute +oblivion by his two small volumes of poems."</p> + +<p>Yet "The Politician Out-witted" has historical value, and, in its +dialogue, exhibits how well Low had studied the artificial comedy +of Sheridan. The construction of the plot is mechanical, but the +convictions of the two opposing fathers, on the subject of the Constitution, +give the play an interest in character and in viewpoint +which is marked. It is not a piece adapted to the theatre, there +being slight action of a cumulative kind; but, as an example of +early closet drama, it cannot be ignored.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span></p> + +<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> The/Politician Out-witted,/a/Comedy,/In Five Acts./Written in the Year 1788./By +an American./"Then let not Censure, with malignant joy,/"The harvest of his +humble hope destroy!"/Falconer's Shipwreck. [Colophon.]/New-York:/Printed +for the Author, by W. Ross, in Broad-Street,/and Sold by the Different Booksellers./ +M. DCC. LXXXIX./</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Through the assiduous researches of a member of the staff of the Americana +Division of the New York Public Library, who has generously given me permission +to use the results of this investigation, there is brought to light, in the New York +Directory for 1803, the name of Widow Ann Low, keeper of a boarding-house. There +is a plausible theory framed by this investigator that, maybe, Samuel Low died +during the New York yellow fever epidemic of 1803, although his name does not +occur in the New York <i>Evening Post</i> death lists for that year. It may be that our +Samuel, as revealed in the annals of the Dutch Reform Church, v. 1, p. 273; v. 32, +p. 23 (New York Geneological and Biographical Society), married Anne Creiger, +as recorded on April 20, 1797, and that she may be the "Widow Ann" referred to +above. The Nicholas Low mentioned in the Directories of the time as President of +the Bank of New York, and who was well-to-do, must have been the brother, or +some near relation. There are many Samuel Lows of this period; one (1739-1807) +mentioned in the D. A. R. Lineage, v. 15; another who married Margaret Kip. +The nearest we get to our Low's parentage is a reference, in the Reports of the New +York Geneological and Biographical Society, v. 29, p. 36, to John and Susanna +Low, whose son, Samuel, was, born December 22, 1765. Identification has yet to +be established.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Poems, By Samuel Low. In two volumes. New York: Printed by T. & J. +Swords. 1800.</p></div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter gap3" style="width: 426px;"> +<img src="images/image_353.png" width="426" height="686" alt="THE POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED, A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS." title="Fac-Simile Title-Page to the 1789 Edition" /> +<span class="caption smcap">Fac-Simile Title-Page to the 1789 Edition</span> +</div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2 class="gap3"><a name="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE" id="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE"></a>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ</h2> + + +<table summary="Dramatis Personae: Men"> +<tr><td class="center"><span class="smcap">Men.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Charles Loveyet</span>, <i>engaged to</i> <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Frankton</span>, <i>his Friend</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td class="center" style="padding-top:1em;"><span class="smcap">Women.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Harriet</span>, <i>daughter to</i> <span class="smcap">Trueman.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Maria</span>, <i>her Friend</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Tabitha Cantwell.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Herald.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span></td></tr> +</table> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—The city of New-York. Time of four acts is one day, and +the fifth act commences the second day.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h3 class="gap3">THE</h3> + +<h2>POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED</h2> + + + +<h2 class="gap3"><a name="ACT_I" id="ACT_I"></a>ACT I.</h2> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> I. <i><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p>Ugh, ugh, ugh,—what a sad rage for novelty there is in this +foolish world! How eagerly all your inspectors in the <i>Daily +Advertiser</i>, the <i>New-York Packet</i>, and all the long catalogue of +advertisers and intelligencers, catch'd at the news of the day +just now at the Coffee-House; though a wise man and a king has +told them, there's nothing new under the sun. Ugh, ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Thomas</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir">Well, Thomas, what's the news?</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Eagerly.</i></p> + +<p style="clear:both;"><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Nothing strange, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> That's more than I can say, Thomas, for I'm sure +'tis strange to hear so many people praise this same new Constitution, +as it is call'd.—Has the <i>New-York Journal</i> been brought +to-day?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Fetches the newspaper.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Look if it contains anything worth reading, +Thomas; anything in behalf of the good old cause.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Yes, sir, here's something will suit your honour's +notion to a hair.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Offers it to <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> No, Thomas, do you read it,—I'm afraid I shall cast +my eyes upon something that's on the other side of the question; +some wicked consolidation scheme or another.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Why, you know, sir, there's never anything in this +paper but what's on your side of the question.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> True, true; by my body, you're right enough, +Tom.—I forgot that: but never mind; since you've got the +paper, do you read it.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> He only wants me to read, because he can't see to do it +himself,—he's almost as blind as a bat, and yet he won't use spectacles +for fear of being thought old.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Come, Thomas, let's have it,—I'm all ears to hear +you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> 'Tis a pity you have not a little more eyesight and +brains along with your ears. [<i>Aside.</i>] [<i>Reads.</i>] "Extract of a +letter from a gentleman in Boston, dated February the third, +1788.—Our convention will pass the federal government by a considerable +majority: The more it is examined, the more converts +are made for its adoption. This you may rely on."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> 'Tis a cursed lie.—Why, why, you confounded +scoundrel, do you mean to ridicule your master?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> I ask pardon, sir; I thought it was the <i>New-York +Journal</i>; but I see it is Mr. Child's <i>Daily Advertiser</i>.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> A plague on his aristocratic intelligence!—Begone, +you vile foe to American Liberty, or I'll—</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Thomas</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Trueman</span>.</i></p> + +<p>What, my friend Trueman! well, what's the news, eigh?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I have not learn'd a single monosyllable, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Nothing concerning this same Constitution there is +so much talk about, friend Horace? A miserable Constitution, +by the bye. If mine was no better,—ugh, ugh, ugh,—I say, if—ugh, +ugh, if my constitution was no better than this same political +one, I solemnly swear, as true as I am this day, man and boy, two +score and three years, five months, eleven days, six hours, and, +and,—[<i>Pulling out his watch.</i>] fifty-nine minutes old; why, I—I—I +would,—I don't know what I wou'd not do. Ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Mr. Loveyet, you run on in such a surprising manner +with your narrations, imprecations, admirations, and interrogations, +that, upon my education, sir, I believe you are approaching +to insanity, frenzy, lunacy, madness, distraction,—a man +of your age—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Age, sir, age!—And what then, sir, eigh! what then? +I'd have you to know, sir, that I shall not have lived forty years +till next spring twelvemonth, old as I am; and if my countenance +seems to belie me a little or so, why—trouble, concern for +the good of my country, sir, and this tyrannical, villainous Constitution +have made me look so; but my health is sound, sir; my +lungs are good, sir, [<i>Raising his voice.</i>]—ugh, ugh, ugh,—I am +neither spindle-shank'd nor crook-back'd, and I can kiss a +pretty girl with as good a relish as—ugh, ugh,—ha, ha, ha. A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span> +man of five and forty, old, forsooth! ha, ha. My age, truly!—ugh, +ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You talk very valiantly, Mr. Loveyet; very +valiantly indeed; I dare say now you have temerity and enterprise +enough, even at this time of day, to take a <i>wife</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> To be sure I have. Let me see,—I shou'd like a +woman an inch or two less than six feet high now, and thick in +proportion: By my body, such a woman wou'd look noble by the +side of me when she was entient.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Oh, monstrous! Entient! an entient woman by +the side of an antient husband! Most preposterous, unnatural, +and altogether incongruous!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Poh, a fig for your high-flown nonsense. I suppose +you think it would cost me a great deal of trouble.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> No, no; some clever young blade will save you the +trouble.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By my body, I should love dearly to have such +a partner; she would be a credit to me when she had me under the +arm.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Under the <i>thumb</i>, you mean.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Under the <i>Devil</i>, <i>you</i> mean.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You're right; you might as well be under the +Devil's government as petticoat government; you're perfectly +right there.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'm not perfectly right;—I—I—I mean <i>you</i> are not +perfectly right; and as for her age, why I should like her to be—let +me see—about ten years younger than myself: a man shou'd +be at least ten years older than his wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Ten years; fifty-three and ten are sixty-three. +Then you mean your wife shall be fifty-three years of age.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> S'death, sir! I tell you I am but two and forty +years old: She sha'n't be more than thirty odd, sir, and she shall +be ten years younger than I am too.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Yes, thirty odd years younger than <i>you</i> are; ha, +ha. The exiguity of those legs is a most promising earnest of +your future exploits, and demonstrate your agility, virility, +salubrity, and amorosity; ha, ha, ha. I can't help laughing to +think what a blessed union there will be between August and +December; a jolly, buxom, wanton, wishful, plethoric female of +thirty odd, to an infirm, decrepit, consumptive, gouty, rheumatic, +asthmatic, phlegmatic mortal of near seventy; ha, ha. Ex<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span>quisitely +droll and humourous, upon my erudition. It puts me in +mind of a hot bed in a hard winter, surrounded with ice, and made +verdant and flourishing only by artificial means.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Pshaw, you're a fool!</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Toupee</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Pardonnez moy, monsieur. I hope it not be any +intrusion; par dieu, I will not frize dat Jantemon à la mode Paris +no more, becase he vas fronte me.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> What's the matter, Mr. Toupee?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> I vill tella your honare of the fracas. I vas vait on +monsieur a—choses, and make ma compliment avec beaucoup +de grace, ven monsieur vas read de news papier; so I say, is your +honare ready for be dress? De great man say, "No—, d—n de +barbare." [<i>In a low voice.</i>] I tell de parsone, sare, I have +promise 'pon honare for dress one great man vat is belong to de +Congress, 'bout dis time, sans manquer: De ansare vas (excuse +moy, monsieur), "go to h-ll, if you be please; I must read 'bout +de Constitution." Dis is de ole affair, monsieur, en verité.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Sixty-three, indeed! Heaven forbid! But if I +was so old, my constitution is good; age is nothing, the constitution +is all,—ugh, ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Sare, you vill give me leaf, vat is dat Constitution?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hold your prating, you booby.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> You booby,—Vat is dat booby, I vonder!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Ha, ha, a good constitution! With great propriety +did the man ask you what constitution you meant. Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Par Dieu, monsieur de Schoolmastare sall larn a me +vat is de booby! oui, an de Constitution,—foy d'Homme +d'Honneur.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> What a figure for a sound constitution! ha, ha.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Ugh, hang you for an old simpleton! Talk of <i>my</i> +age and constitution.—Ugh, ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Fractious old blockhead!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Blockhead! Pourquoi you call a mine head von +block, sare?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I mean that old curmudgeon who goes hobbling +along there, like a man of forty.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Pardonnez moy, monsieur; S'il vous plaît, ve make +de éclaircissement, if you tell me vat is de interpretation—you +booby.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> What! have you the effrontery to call me a booby? +S'death, you scoundrel, what do you mean?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Vous ne m'entendez pas.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Hastily.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Do you threaten me, you insignificant thing? +Do you call me names?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Diable! me no stand under your names.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Zounds and fury! I am raving. Must I bear to be +abus'd in this manner, by a vile Tonsor?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Yes, you Schoolmastare; you tell me vat be you +booby.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Pertinacious, audacious reptile!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Canes <span class="smcap">Toupee</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Ah, mon dieu! mon dieu!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Runs off.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> To insult a professor of Orthography, Analogy, +Syntax, and Prosody!</p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> II. <i>A Street.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p>In compliance with the commands of a father, here I am, +once more in the place of my nativity. Duty to him, and curiosity +to know, why he has enjoined my sudden departure so peremptorily, +as well as a desire to see New-York (perhaps never to leave +it more) have all conspir'd to bring me here sooner than I am expected,—let +me see—yes, I must try to find out Frankton first. +[<i><span class="smcap">Humphry</span> crosses the stage.</i>] Here, friend, honest man, prithee +stop.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> What's your will?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Can you inform me, friend, where one Mr. Frankton +lives?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No, I don't know where anybody lives in this big +city, not I; for my part, I believe how they all lives in the street, +there's such a monstrous sight of people a scrouging backards and +forards, as the old saying is. If I was home now—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Where is your home, if I may make so free?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Oh, you may make free and welcome, for the more +freer the more welcomer, as the old saying is; I never thinks myself +too good to discourse my superiors: There's some of our +townsfolks now, why some of 'um isn't so good as I, to be sure. +There's Tom Forge, the blacksmith, and little Daniel Snip, the +tailor, and Roger Peg, the cobbler, and Tim Frize, the barber, and +Landlord Tipple, that keeps the ale-house at the sign of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span> +Turk's Head, and Jeremy Stave, the clerk of the meeting-house, +why, there an't one of 'um that's a single copper before a beggar, +as the old saying is; but what o' that? We isn't all born alike, as +father says; for my part, I likes to be friendly, so give us your +hand. You mus'n't think how I casts any reflections on you; +no, no, I scorn the action. [<i>They shake hands.</i>] That's hearty +now—Friendship is a fine thing, and, a friend indeed is a friend +in need, as the saying is.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What an insufferable fool it is!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Half aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, it is insufferable cool, that's sartin; but it's +time to expect it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Worse and worse!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, I warrant you it will be worser and worser +before long; so I must e'en go home soon, and look after the corn +and the wheat, or else old father will bring his pigs to a fine +market, as the old proverb goes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You're quite right; you mean your father wou'd +bring his corn to a fine market: You mean it as a figurative expression, +I presume.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Not I, I isn't for none of your figure expressions, +d' ye see, becase why, I never larnt to cipher;—every grain of +corn a pig! Ha, ha, ha. That's pleasant, ecod; why the Jews +wou'dn't dare for to shew their noses out o'doors, everything +wou'd smell so woundily of pork! Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> A comical countryman of mine this. [<i>Aside.</i>] +What is your name, my honest lad?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, if you'll tell me your name, I'll tell you mine, +d' ye see; for, one good turn desarves another, as the old saying is, +and, evil be to them that evil thinks, every tub must stand upon +its own bottom, and, when the steed is stolen, shut the stable +door, and, while the grass grows, the mare starves—the horse I +mean; it don't make no odds, a horse is a mare, but a mare an't +a horse, as father says, d' ye see—and——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What a monstrous combination of nonsense!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Don't tell me what I am, but tell me what I have +been—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Prithee, Mr. Sancho, let's have no more of those +insipid proverbs. You was going to tell me your name.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> My name is Cubb,—Humphry Cubb, at your sarvice, +as the saying is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hah! my worthy friend Frankton—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span>—</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> My best, my long expected Charles! your arrival +has made me the happiest man alive.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>They embrace.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I am heartily glad to see you, George, and to meet +you so opportunely; 'tis not fifteen minutes since I landed on my +native soil, and you are the very person, above every other in the +city, whom I wish'd first to see.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Then you have not forgot your friend.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Far from it, Frankton; be assured that the joy +I now feel at meeting with <i>you</i>, is by no means the least I expect +to experience.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Our satisfaction is then mutual—your friends are +all happy and well, and I know your arrival will not a little contribute +to <i>their</i> felicity, as well as mine—but who have you here, +Loveyet? Landed not fifteen minutes ago, and in close confab +with one of our Boors already?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> A boar! why you're worser than he there—he only +took father's <i>corn</i> for <i>pigs</i>, but do you take <i>me</i> for a <i>boar</i>, eigh? +Do I look like a <i>hog</i>, as the saying is?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Begone, you illiterate lubber!—My dear Charles, +I have a thousand things to say to you, and this is an unfit place +for conversation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> We will adjourn to the Coffee-House.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> No, you shall go with me to my lodgings.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, what a cruel-minded young dog he is! See +how he swaggers and struts—he looks very like the Pharisee's +head, on old <i>Coming Sir</i>, honest Dick Tipple's sign, I think—No, +now I look at him good, he's the very moral of our Tory.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I wait your pleasure, Frankton.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Then allons!</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt <span class="smcap">Frankton</span> and <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> [<i>Burlesquing them.</i>] Forward, march—as our +Captain says—[<i>Struts after them.</i>]—Literary lubber, eigh! But +I'll be up with the foutre.</p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Frankton</span> and <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> return.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Do you call me a foutre, you rascal?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Call you a future! ha, ha, ha. I was a talking +about something that I was a going for to do some other time, +sir.—Doesn't future magnify some other time, eigh?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> The future signifies the time to come, to be sure.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Well, then, isn't I right? What argufies your +signifies, or your magnifies? There an't the toss up of a copper +between 'um—I wou'dn't give a leather button for the choice, +as the old proverb goes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Harkee, Mr. Talkative, if you ever——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No, sir, never,—that I won't—no, no, you may be +sure of that.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Sure of what?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Nothing, sir; we can be sartin of nothing in this +world, as Mr. Thumpum says.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Oh, what a precious numskull it is!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>To <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i>] I have a letter here, which announces +to my father, my intention to leave the West-Indies the +beginning of March, but I miss'd of the expected conveyance—I +have half a mind to send it yet. I would not have him apprized +of my arrival; for I wish to try if he would know me;—and yet +I long to embrace my aged and venerable parent.—Will you do +me the favour to take this letter to my father, Mr. Cubb? He +lives at number two hundred and fifty, in Queen-Street, in a +three-story red brick house.—I'll reward you for it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> As for your rewards, I'm above it, d' ye see: If I +do it, I'll do it without fear or reward, as the saying is; but if you +think fit, you may treat a body to the valuation of a mug or so. +Don't you love ale? for they says how the Yorkers is cursed fellows +for strong beer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What a digression!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I scorn your words—'tis no transgression at all +to drink ale—Why, Parson Thumpum himself drinks ale.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Well, will you carry the letter? You shall have as +much strong beer when you come back as you can stagger under.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, if I was for to have my beer a-board before +I go, I shou'dn't get top-heavy, as the saying is; for I can carry +as much weight in my head as e'er a he that wears a head, without +staggering.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I dare say you can; you have always plenty of +that.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, you're right—I know what you mean; I've +got it here a little, as old Mr. Scourge says. [<i>Exeunt <span class="smcap">Frankton</span> +and <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>.</i>] But as for what you said just now—no, no, sir; +I'll never foutre you, I warrant you—I always curses and swears<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span> +in plain English, d' ye see—I—what's he gone? I hope he won't +come back again for the sixth time; three times has he been in +and out within the circumference of a minute. But I won't stay +here no longer—I'll go and try if I can't find out where Doll lives, +my old sweetheart; I an't so poor, but what I can buy her a ribbon +or so; and, if all comes to all, I can get a new pair o' breeches +too; for, to be sure, this one doesn't look quite so decent, and if +that doesn't fetch her, the devil shall, as the old saying is. I'm +cursedly afraid, I sha'n't be able to find out her quarters.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> III. <i><span class="smcap">Mr. Friendly's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Harriet</span> and <span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Pray, Maria, how were you entertained at the +Assembly last night?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Very indifferently, I assure you, my dear: You know, +Harriet, I do most cordially hate dancing at any time; but +what must one do with one's self these irksome, heavy, dreary +Winters? If it were not for cards, visits to and from, and——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Assemblies.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Yes, as my last resource, Assemblies, I should absolutely +be in a state of despair before Spring.—Then one may take +an excursion on York or Long-Island—an agreeable sail on the +East-River—a walk in the Broadway, Pharisee-like, to be seen of +men, and—to see them—and then how refreshing to take a negligent +stroll on the Battery, the Fort, the Mall, and from thence to +Miss Such-a-one, then to Mrs. Such-a-one, then to Lady What's-her-name, +and then home;—but now I am half of my time as +motionless as Pitt's statue; as petrified and inanimate as an +Egyptian mummy, or rather frozen snake, who crawls out of his +hole now and then in this season to bask in the rays of the sun.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> And whenever the sunshine of Mr. Frankton's +eyes breaks upon you, you revive.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Pshaw—I wish you had Mr. Frankton yourself, since +you are so full of his sweet image.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I'm sure you did not wish so last night: Your eyes +seem'd to say,—I wish I could secure the good-for-nothing, agreeable +rake.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Oh, you <i>heard</i> my <i>eyes</i> say so, did you? I ask pardon +of your penetration.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> But do you really think the Winter is so destitute of +comforts?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Ha, ha, comforts! by comforts I suppose you mean +the sweets of domestic life—the large portion of comfort arising +from a large winter fire, and the very pleasing tittle-tattle of an +antiquated maiden aunt, or the equally pleasing (tho' less loquacious) +society of a husband, who, with a complaisance peculiar to +husbands, responds—sometimes by a doubtful shrug, sometimes +a stupid yawn, a lazy stretch, an unthinking stare, a clownish +nod, a surly no, or interrogates you with a—humph? till bed +time, when, heaven defend us! you are doom'd to be snor'd out +of your wits till day-break, when——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Hold, Maria—what a catalogue of uncomfortable +comforts have you run over.—Pleasure and Comfort are words +which imply the same thing with me; but in this enlighten'd age, +when words are so curiously refin'd and defin'd, modern critics +and fashionable word-mongers have, in the abundance of their +wisdom, made a very nice distinction between them—for my part, +I always endeavour to reconcile modish pleasure with real comfort, +and custom with reason, as much as is in any way consistent +with the obligation one is under to conform a little to the perverse +notions of mankind.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> There now!—you know I can't abide to hear you +moralize—prithee, my dear Harriet, leave that to grey beards +and long-ear'd caps—everything is beautiful in its season, you +know.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Common sense and propriety are ever in season, +Maria, and I was going to mention a <i>sentimental</i> pleasure, a +<i>rational</i> enjoyment, which is peculiar to the present <i>season</i>, tho' +beautiful in every one, if you had not got frightened at the idea +of being <i>comforted</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Well, my dear comfortable, rational, sentimental +Harriet! Let me hear what this rational enjoyment of yours is?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Hearing a good play, my dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Hearing a good play! why not seeing it, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Because I believe plays are frequently seen, and +not heard; at least, not as they ought to be.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I protest you are quite a critic, Harriet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> If you desire amusement, what so likely to beguile +the heavy hours as Comedy? If your spirits are depress'd, what +so replete with that which can revive them as the laughter-loving +Thalia? If the foibles and vices of human nature ought to suffer +correction, in what way can they be satiriz'd so happily and suc<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[Pg 369]</a></span>cessfully +as on the stage;—or if elegance of language, and refinement +of sentiment——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Humph—there's sentiment again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You dislike every good thing I have mentioned this +morning, Maria,—except one.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> What's that, my dear?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Mr. Frankton.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Ha, ha. Why, to be sure, the good things of this life +are not to be despis'd, and men are not the worst creatures belonging +to this life, nor Mr. Frankton the worst of men, but—apropos, +about plays—did you observe how much I was affected +the other night at the tragedy of Zara?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I really did not—I wish I had seen such a pleasing +proof of your sensibility.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Oh, you cruel creature!—wish to see your friend in +tears?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> 'Tis rather unusual to see a lady of your taste and +spirit, either weep at a pathetic incident in tragedy, or laugh at a +comic scene; and as for the gentlemen, your lads of spirit, such +as are falsely called <i>ladies' men</i>, they are not so masculine as to +understand, and, therefore, not so effeminate as to weep; tho' +one would conclude, from their effeminacy in appearance and behaviour, +that they would cry if you were to look at them.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> To be sure, a little matter will draw tears from the +feminine part of mankind.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> For your part, you seem'd to be neither laughing +nor crying, but rather displeas'd and uneasy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Oh, you mistake the matter entirely, my dear; your +skill in physiognomy is but indifferent, I find—why, after the +tragedy was over, I laugh'd most inordinately for a considerable +time.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> On what account, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Why, you must know, my dear, Mr. Frankton sat +in the box opposite to the one I was in.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Yes, I know your dear Mr. Frankton was in the +opposite box.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> My dear Mr. Frankton! Did I say so? Why I +could not say more of him, were he my husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> If you conform to custom, you would not say so +much of a husband.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[Pg 370]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> But I did not say any such thing. Says I, you must +know, my dear Harriet——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> No, no, there was no Harriet mentioned.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> But I say there was—so, as I was going to tell you, +you must know, my dear Harriet, that Mr. Frankton sat +opposite to me at the theatre; and as he seem'd to be very much +chagrin'd at the attention which was paid me by a couple of +beaux, I took some pains to mortify him a little; for, tho' +he strove to hide his uneasiness by chattering, and whispering, +and tittering, and shewing his white teeth, his embarrassment +was very visible under his affected unconcern.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> How exactly she has described her own situation and +feelings! [<i>Aside.</i>]—I find that you acquire <i>your skill in physiognomy</i> +from sympathy; or from making suitable comparisons, and +drawing natural inferences from them; but now for the remainder +of your pleasant anecdote, Maria.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> So, I was extremely civil to my two worshipping votaries, +grinn'd when they did, and talk'd as much nonsense as +either of them. During this scene of mock-gallantry, one of my +love-sick swains elevated his eyes in a most languishing manner; +and, clasping his sweet, unlucky hands together rather eagerly, +my little dog Muff happen'd to be in the way, by which means +my pet was squeez'd rather more than it lik'd, and my Adonis's +finger bit by it so feelingly, that it would have delighted you to +see how he twisted his soft features about, with the excruciating +anguish. Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Ha, ha, ha. Exceeding ludicrous indeed!—But +pray, my dear careless, sprightly Maria, was you not a little +nettled to see Mr. Frankton and his nymphs so great? And are +you not deeply in love with each other, notwithstanding your +coquetry at the theatre, and his levity at the Assembly?—Yes, +yes,—your aversion to the dancing last night was only pretence. +I hope when your hearts are cemented by wedlock, you will both +do better.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> It will be well if I do no worse; but, to hear you talk, +one would swear you were not in love yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Love is an amiable weakness, of which our sex are +peculiarly susceptible.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Ha, ha, ha; <i>of which our sex are peculiarly susceptible</i>—what +an evasion!—and so my dear lovelorn, pensive, sentimental, +romantic Harriet has never experienced that same<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[Pg 371]</a></span> +<i>amiable weakness</i> which, it seems, the weaker sex is so susceptible +of. But I won't tease you about Mr. Loveyet any more; adieu.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Ha, ha; why in such sudden haste, my dear?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I have already made my visit longer than I intended, +and I have plagu'd you enough now; adieu.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Ha, ha, ha; that is laughable enough.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt, separately.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>End of the First Act.</i></p> + + + +<h2 class="gap3"><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II"></a>ACT II.</h2> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> I. <i><span class="smcap">Frankton's</span> Lodgings.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Frankton</span> and <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span> sitting.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> When did you say you saw her?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Last night, in company with several other belles +of no small note, who did not look a tittle the handsomer for +appearing at the same time with her, I assure you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Then she's as charming as ever.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Charming as ever! By all that's beautiful, a +Seraphim is nothing to her! And as for Cherubims, when they +compete with her,</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Conscious of her superior charms they stand,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And rival'd quite by such a beauteous piece</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Of mortal composition; they, reluctant,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Hide their diminish'd heads.</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You extol her in very rapturous strains, George—I +hope you have not been smitten by her vast perfections, like +the Cherubims.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I am really enraptur'd with the bewitching little +Goddess!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Do you positively think her so much superior to the +generality of women?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Most indubitably I do—don't you, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I thought her handsome once—but—but—but you +certainly are not in love with her.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Not I, faith. Ha, ha, ha. My enamorata and +yours are two distinct persons, I assure you—and two such beau<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[Pg 372]</a></span>ties!—By +all that's desirable, if there was only one more in the +city who could vie with the lovely girls, and boast of the same +elegantly proportioned forms; the same beauty, delicacy and +symmetry of features; the same celestial complexion, in which +the lily and carnation are equally excell'd; the same——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Oh, monstrous! Why, they exceed all the Goddesses +I ever heard of, by your account.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Well, if you had let me proceed, I should have told +you that if one more like them could be found in town, they would +make a more beautiful triple than the three renowned goddesses +who were candidates for beauty and a golden apple long ago; but +no matter now.—The account you have given of the lovely +Harriet, has rekindled the flame she so early inspir'd me with, +and I already feel myself all the lover; how then shall I feel, when +I once more behold the dear maid, like the mother of mankind—"with +grace in all her steps, heaven in her eye; in every gesture, +dignity and love!"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Aye—and what do you think of your father's +sending for you to marry you to this same beautiful piece of +mortality?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Is it possible? Then I am happy indeed! But this +surpasses my most sanguine hopes!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Did you suppose he would object to the alliance +then?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I did not know,—my hope was only founded on +the <i>probability</i> of his approving it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Well, I can now inform you that your hope has a +better basis to rest on, and that there is as fair a prospect of its +being shortly swallowed up in fruition as ever Cupid and Hymen +presented to a happy mortal's view.—For your farther comfort, +I have the pleasure to acquaint you, that Mr. Trueman is +equally fond of the match.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Better and better—my dear George! You are the +best of friends,—my happy genius! My very guardian angel!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Well said, Heroics—come, spout away.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, I <i>am</i> happy, very happy, indeed: Moralists +disparage this world too much,—there <i>is</i> such a thing as happiness +under the sun,—I <i>feel</i> it now most irrefragably,—<i>here</i> it +vibrates in a most extatic manner.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Why, you are positively the arrantest love-sick +swain that ever had recourse to a philter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[Pg 373]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Profane heretic in love! Did not you extol the two +Seraphims just now in the same generous language? But you +have never experienced the blissful transition from doubt and +solicitude to certainty and peace, as I do now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> How do you know that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I only conjecture so—Did you ever feel the same +transports I do?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> How, in the name of sense, should I know how you +feel?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Feel!—I feel that kind heaven, my friend, my +father, and my dearest girl, all conspire to bless me!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> There he rides his hobby-horse again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Aye, and a generous horse he is—he carries me very +pleasantly, I assure you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Yes, and, I dare say, could convey you more +agreeably and speedily to Paradise than the Ass did Mahomet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Ha, ha. I think you have improved my idea.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> To improve your reason, and check your strange +delirium, I have.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I will talk more dispassionately;—but my heart +<i>will</i> palpitate at the thought of meeting the lovely source of its +joy, and the ultimatum of all its wishes!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I suppose you know she lives with Mr. Friendly.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> With Mr. Friendly!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Yes, she is nearly related to his family, and as the +style in which they live, corresponds with her former prosperity +better than the present ineligible situation of her father does, he +has granted them her valuable company, after their repeated solicitations +had prov'd the sincerity of their regard.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> But how do you account for Mr. Trueman's poverty, +since fortune has lately put it so much in Harriet's power +to relieve him from it? I dare not think it arises from her want +of filial regard; I do not know anything so likely to abate the +ardour of my attachment as a knowledge of that; but it is an +ungenerous suggestion, unworthy the benignity and tenderness +of the gentle Harriet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> It is so.—Two things, on the part of the old gentleman, +are the cause: his pride will not suffer him to be the subject +of a daughter's bounty; and his regard for that daughter's +welfare, makes him fearful of being instrumental in impairing her +fortune.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[Pg 374]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I thought the angelic girl could not be ungrateful +to the parent of her being; but don't let us tarry—I am already +on the wing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> You are too sanguine; you must not expect to +succeed without a little opposition.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> How! what say you? pray be explicit.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I will remove your suspense.—There is a Mr. +Worthnought, a thing by some people call'd a man, a beau, +a fine gentleman, a smart fellow; and by others a coxcomb, +a puppy, a baboon and an ass.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And what of him?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Nothing; only he visits Miss Harriet frequently.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hah!—and does she countenance his addresses?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I'll explain.—He imagines she is fond of him, +because she does not actually discard him; upon which presumption +he titters, capers, vows, bows, talks scraps of French, and +sings an amorous lay—with such an irresistibly languishing air, +that she cannot do less than compliment him—on the fineness of +his voice, for instance; the smartness of his repartees, the brilliancy +of his wit, the gaiety and vivacity of his temper, his genteel +carriage, his handsome person, his winning address, his——</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hah! you surely cannot be in earnest, Frankton.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> To be serious then,—the sum total of the affair, +I take to be this.—In order to kill a heavy hour, she sometimes +suffers the fool to be in her company, because the extravagance +of his behaviour, and the emptiness of his upper region furnish +her with a good subject for ridicule; but <i>your</i> presence will soon +make him dwindle into his primitive insignificance.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> If your prediction proves false, Harriet will be +false indeed;—but I must see her straightway.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I think you go pretty well fraught with the fruits +of our united deliberations.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Deliberations!—away with the musty term—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>No caution need my willing footsteps guide;—</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>When Love impels—what evil can betide?</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Patriots may fear, their rulers lack more zeal,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And nobly tremble for the public weal;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>To front the battle, and to fear no harm,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>The</i> shield <i>must glitter on the warrior's arm:</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Let such dull prudence</i> their <i>designs attend,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>But</i> Love, <i>unaided,</i> shall <i>obtain its end!</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[Pg 375]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> II. <i><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span> and <span class="smcap">Trueman</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I tell you it is the most infernal scheme that ever +was devis'd.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> And I tell you, sir, that your argument is heterodox, +sophistical, and most preposterously illogical.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I insist upon it, sir, you know nothing at all about +the matter; and, give me leave to tell you, sir—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> What—give you leave to tell me I know nothing at +all about the matter! I shall do no such thing, sir—I'm not to +be govern'd by your <i>ipse dixit</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I desire none of your musty Latin, sir, for I don't +understand it, not I.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Oh, the ignorance of the age! To oppose a plan +of government like the new Constitution. Like it, did I say?—There +never was one like it:—neither Minos, Solon, Lycurgus +nor Romulus, ever fabricated so wise a system;—why it is a +political phenomenon, a prodigy of legislative wisdom, the +fame of which will soon extend almost <i>ultramundane</i>, and astonish +the nations of the world with its transcendent excellence.—To +what a sublime height will the superb edifice attain!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Your aspiring edifice shall never be erected in <i>this</i> +State, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Mr. Loveyet, you will not listen to reason: only +attend calmly one moment—[<i>Reads.</i>]—"We the people of the +United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish +justice, insure domestic tranquillity, provide—"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I tell you I won't hear it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Mark all that. [<i>Reads again.</i>] "Section the first.—All +legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a +Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate +and House of Representatives." Very judicious and salutary, +upon my erudition.—"Section the second—"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'll hear no more of your sections.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> "Section the second.—The House of Representatives—"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> They never shall represent me, I promise them.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Why, you won't hear me out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I have heard enough to set me against it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_376" id="Page_376">[Pg 376]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You have not heard a <i>quantum sufficit</i> to render +you competent to give a decisive opinion; besides, you hear with +passion and prejudice.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I don't care for that; I say it is a devilish design +upon our liberty and property; by my body, it is;—it would reduce +us to poverty and slavery.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>, listening.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> What's that about liberty, and property, and slavery, +and popery, and the devil? I hope the pope and the devil +an't come to town for to play the devil, and make nigers of us!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You will have it your own way.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> To be sure I will—in short, sir, the old Constitution +is good enough for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I wonder what Constitution magnifies.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> The old Constitution!—ha, ha, ha, ha. Superlatively +ludicrous and facetious, upon my erudition; and highly +productive of risibility—ha, ha, ha. The old Constitution! +A very shadow of a government—a perfect <i>caput mortuum</i>;—why, +one of my schoolboys would make a better: 'tis grown as +superannuated, embecilitated, valetudinarianated, invalidated, +enervated and dislocated as an old man of sixty odd.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Ah, that's me—that's me—sixty odd, eigh—[<i>Aside.</i>] +I—I—ugh, ugh, I know what you want:—a consolidation +and annihilation of the States.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> A consolidation and annihilation!—You certainly +have bid defiance to the first rudiments of grammar, and sworn +war against the whole body of lexicographers. Mercy on me! +If words are to be thus abus'd and perverted, there is an end of +the four grand divisions of grammar at once: If consolidation and +annihilation are to be us'd synonymously, there is a total annihilation +of all the moods, tenses, genders, persons, nouns, pronouns, +verbs, adverbs, substantives, conjunctions, interjections, prepositions, +participles,—</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Coughs.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Oh dear, oh dear,—what a wise man a Schoolmaster +is!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> How can the States be consolidated and annihilated +too? If they are consolidated or compounded into one +national mass, surely the individual States cannot be annihilated, +for, if they were annihilated, where would be the States to compose +a consolidation?—Did you ever study Logic, sir?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_377" id="Page_377">[Pg 377]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> No, but I've studied common sense tho', and that +tells me I am right, and consequently you are wrong; there, +that's as good logic as yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You mean Paine's <i>Common Sense</i>, I suppose—yes, +yes, there you manifest something like common sense, Mr. +Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> 'Tis no such thing, sir; it lately took three speakers, +and much better ones than Paine, no less than three whole days, +to prove that consolidation and annihilation are one and the +same thing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> An execrable Triumvirate—a <i>scandalum magnatum</i> +to all public bodies: I suppose they and their adherents are now +sitting in Pandemonium, excogitating their diabolical machinations +against us.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> A pack of nonsensical stuff!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Harkee, Mr. Loveyet, I will propound a problem +to you. We will suppose there are two parallel lines drawn on +this floor, which, notwithstanding they may be very contiguous +to each other, and advance <i>ad infinitum</i>, can never approximate +so near as to effect a junction, in which fundamental axiom all +mathematicians profess a perfect congruity and acquiescence:—now, +to elucidate the hypothesis a little, we will suppose here is +one line; and we will further suppose here is another line. [<i>Draws +his cane over <span class="smcap">Loveyet's</span> feet, which makes him jump.</i>] Now we +will suppose that line is you, and this line is compos'd, form'd, +constituted, made up of discernment, political knowledge, public +spirit, and true republicanism,—but, as I predicated antecedently, +<i>that</i> line is you—[<i>Striking his cane on <span class="smcap">Loveyet's</span> feet.</i>] +You must not forget <i>that</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> S'death, sir, do you mean to make a mathematical +instrument of me, to try experiments with?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Now take notice—as the East is to the West, the +North Pole to the South ditto, the Georgium Sidus to this +terraqueous globe, or the Aborigines of America to the Columbians +of this generation, so is that line to this line, or Mr. Loveyet +to true wisdom and judgment; sometimes appearing to +verge towards a coalition with them, but never to effect it. There, +sir,—in this argument, you have a major, a minor and a conclusion, +consonant to the received principles of logic.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Confound your senseless comparisons; your problems, +your mathematics, and your Georgium Sidus.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_378" id="Page_378">[Pg 378]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, confound your gorgon hydras, I say too.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Here you have been spending your breath to prove—what?—that +I am not a rational human being, but a mathematical +line.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I know you are not a mathematical line; you are +not the twentieth part so straight and well made;—I only wish +to convince you that the present government is an <i>ignis fatuus</i> +that is leading you and thousands more to ruin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> But I don't choose to be convinc'd by you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> No more than you'll be convinc'd you are sixty +years old, I suppose.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Now see there again, see there! isn't this enough +to try Job's patience? I'll let you know that my bodily and +political Constitutions are both good, sir, both sound alike.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I know they are. Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Pray, old gentleman, what sort of things may them +same constitutions be?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Avaunt, thou plebeian, thou ignoramus!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, I lay now I can say that as good as you, for +all you're such a fine scholard.—I won't be plain, thou ignorant +mouse.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> "<i>Monstrum horrendum, cui lumen ademptum!</i>"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Monstrous memorandums, cu—no, I can't say +that; that's too hard for me. Well, what a glorious thing it is for +to have good larning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Sixty odd years indeed! provoking wretch!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> What a bloody passion he's in!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Pray, Mr. Loveyet, do not anathematize me so;—if +you do not civilize your phraseology a little, I must have +recourse to a little castigation, for, <i>necessitas non habet legem</i>, you +know, Mr. Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I know nothing about such nonsense, not I.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You are the most unenlightened, contumacious, +litigious, petulant, opprobrious, proditorious, misanthropic mortal +I ever confabulated a colloquy with; by the dignity of my +profession you are.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> What monstrous queer words he discourses the old +fellow with!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Mighty pleasant and witty, by my body; sixty +years, forsooth!—But I'll be aveng'd of you.—Your daughter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379">[Pg 379]</a></span> +sha'n't have my son—there, sir,—how do you like that? Sixty +years, indeed! Ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> What an old reprobate it is! He swears till he +sweats again.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> What an unlucky affair!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And give me leave to tell you, Mr. Schoolmaster, +I was an old—I—I mean—I was a <i>great</i> fool to disparage him so +much as to think of the match.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Illiberal aspersion! But were I as contemptible +as you think me, a disastrous war has rendered me so; and as +for my child, Providence has placed her above dependence on an +unfortunate father: the bequest of a worthy relation has made +her, what the world calls, rich; but her mind—is far richer; the +most amiable temper, improved by a virtuous and refined education +(not to mention her beauty) deservedly makes her the object +of general love and respect, and renders your present resolution +a matter of perfect indifference to me.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Well, well, so be it; but you never shall be Charles's +father-in-law, for all that—that's as fix'd as fate,—you may beg +my forgiveness for your faults by and by, but your daughter shall +never be mine, I promise you.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Conceited old sot!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> He's gone at last.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What brought <i>you</i> here, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, my legs, to be sure.—Here, old gentleman, +if you'll promise you won't get in such a passion as you did just +now, I've got some news to tell you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I in a passion? 'tis no such thing—I didn't mind +anything he said, because he's old and fretful;—but what news, +eigh—what news?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Here's a letter for you.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Gives it to <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Opens the letter and reads.</i>] I am heartily glad, +'faith! [<i>Reads again.</i>]—'Od's my life, I'm as happy as the Great +Mogul, and as good-natur'd—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> That's clever; I likes to see people good-natur'd,—it +makes me as happy as the Great Pogul.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'll go tell old Trueman's daughter, Charles is coming, +but not for her—I know she'll be mortify'd, poor girl, but I +can't help that. Who gave you this letter?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why your son, to be sure.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> When did you leave the <i>Havanna</i>, pray?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_380" id="Page_380">[Pg 380]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> The <i>Havanna</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, are you not from the West-Indies?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Who—me?—not I.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Why, what the plague makes you think he was my +son, then?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Because he said you was his father—that's a good +reason, an't it? But it's a wise son knows his own father, as the +old saying is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> How can that be, when the letter is dated in the +Island of Cuba, the twentieth day of January, and he says he +don't expect to leave it till the beginning of March, and this is +only February, so it is impossible he shou'd be here yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> May be you an't the old gentleman, then.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> To be sure I an't an <i>old</i> gentleman. Did he say I +was old, eigh?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, I believe he did.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I believe you lie—and I'll let you know that I an't +old enough to be his father, you—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Well, if the case lies there, that settles the harsh, +d' ye see; but, for my part, I think how you look old enough and +ugly enough to be his great-grandfather, as the old saying is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Sirrah, get out of my house, or I'll break your bones +for you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I'm a going—howsomever, give me the letter +again; you've got no business with it—you an't his father.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You lie! I am his father—if he was here, he +wou'dn't deny it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, he is here, I tell you—here in New-York. +I suppose how he's made a small mistake about the day of the +month, and says he's just arrived from the East-Indies, for he's +cursed apt for to make blunders;—that about the corn and the +pigs; ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Do you laugh at me, you vagabond?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Not I, old gentleman; I've got too much respect +for old age, I'll insure you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I shall go distracted!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Put on your spectacles and look again—I'm sure +your eyes must perceive you, for I'll give my corporal oath he +an't in the East-Indies.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> It is not the East-Indies, you great calf; you mean +the West-Indies.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[Pg 381]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No matter if it's East or West; the odds an't much +for the matter o' that.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What an abominable fool!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I'm no more a fool than you are—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Be gone, you scoundrel! Here, Thomas—[<i>Enter +<span class="smcap">Thomas</span>.</i>], lug this fellow out of doors.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No, you sha'n't tho', d' ye see.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> I'm cursedly afraid of the great two-handed fellow too.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside, and exit with <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> [<i>manet</i>].</p> + +<p>Abusive rascal! But I won't put myself in a passion with such +a vile animal.—I—I'll read the letter again.</p> + +<p>"Honour'd Sir,</p> + +<p>"I have just time enough to acquaint you by the <i>Oceanus</i>, +Captain Seaborn, who is now preparing to sail, that I have at +length adjusted my business so as to be able to leave this place +for New-York, the beginning of March; in which case you may +look for me before the first of April next; when I promise myself +the happiness of seeing you once more, and enjoying the society +of the best of parents: till then I shall continue to be, with truly +filial attachment, and anxious expectation of the happy event, +your obliged and dutiful son,—<span class="smcap">Charles Loveyet</span>."</p> + +<p class="befstagedir">I wonder he don't say anything of the coffee and madeira I +wrote to him about;—egad, I must mind the main chance; a +penny sav'd, is a penny got; and charity begins at home. By +strictly attending to these excellent maxims, I am worth about +five and twenty per cent. more than any other merchant in the +city; and as for that stupid proverb, money is the root of all +evil, 'tis well enough for those to say so, who have none; for my +part, I know that much of the good things of this world is better +than not enough—that a man can live longer upon a hundred +thousand pounds than one thousand pounds—that if, the more +we have the more we want, the more we have the more we make—and +that it is better to make hay while the sun shines <i>against</i> a +rainy day, when I shall be upon my last legs, than to work and toil +like an ass <i>in</i> the rain; so it plainly appears that money is the root +of all good;—that's my logic.—I long to see the young rogue tho'—I +dare say he looks very like his father;—but, had I thought old +Trueman wou'd have us'd me so ill, I wou'd not have wrote for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[Pg 382]</a></span> +him yet; for he shall not have his old sweetheart:—if he offers to +disobey me in this respect, by my body, I'll disinherit the ungracious +dog immediately.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> III. <i>Another part of <span class="smcap">Loveyet's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> and <span class="smcap">Thomas</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> I've set a bowl of grog before him, pretty much to the +northward, and a luncheon of bread and beef almost as big as his +head; for he said he was consumed hungry.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span> I language to behold him;—but I'm afraid he'll be rude to a +body. [<i>Enter <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>, with a large luncheon of bread and butter.</i>] +Oh, as I'm alive, it is Humphry; old Cubb, the miller's son! Now +will the great bear be for rumpling and hugging a body, as he us'd to +do.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> How d' ye do again, as the saying is? You're a +devilish honest fellow, as I'm a gentleman; and thank 'e for +your frugality, with all my heart: I've eaten up all the beef and +grog, so I thought I wou'd go to the cupboard, and cut a small +slice of bread and butter, d' ye see.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Why didn't you cut yourself a larger slice, while +you was about it?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Oh, it's big enough, thank 'e; I never eat much at +a meal; but if I crave more, I'll speak. [<i>Sees <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</i>] Wha—what—Doll! +is that you? Oh, the wonderful works of nature! +Who'd ha' thought to ha' found you here. What, don't you know +me? not know your old sweetheart? By Job, I want to buss you, +most lasciviously.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Crams all the bread in his mouth in haste, +and offers to kiss her.—<span class="smcap">Thomas</span> hinders him.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span> Oh, oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> What, do you dare to do such a thing before me, +you country brute?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, no sooner said than done; that's my way.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> But you sha'n't say nor do your lascivious tricks +before me, I warrant you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span> Oh, the filthy beast! he has frightened me out of my +seventy-seven senses; he has given me a fever.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I don't care if you'll give me a favour, or not; for +I don't value it an old horse-shoe, not I; I can get favours enough +in New-York, if I go to the expense.—I know what—I suppose +you forget when Jack Wrestle, the country mack-marony<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[Pg 383]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span> Oh, oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, in the country you us'd for to kiss me without +axing.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span> I scorn your words, you worthless blackguard; so +I do.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Cries.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> Sir, I'd have you to know, sir, that I won't suffer +you, sir, to abuse this young lady, sir, in this manner, sir; and, +sir—in short, sir, you're a dirty fellow, for your pains, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> And you're a great litterly lubber, as the saying +is; and if you'll be so friendly as for to fetch the mug of ale you +promis'd me, I'll lick you out of pure gratitude: have a care—grog +makes me fight like a tyger.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Thomas.</span> It's a bargain,—I shou'd be sorry to try you; but I'll go lace +you ale a little, and that will spoil your fighting, I warrant you.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside, and exit.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Dolly.</span> You sha'n't fight him.—Oh, law, I wou'dn't trust myself +with him alone, for the riches of the Indians!</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit, after him.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> [<i>Mimicking her.</i>] What an unfaithless trollop! +She's got to be very vartuous since she's liv'd in town, but +vartue is but skin deep, as the saying is:—wou'dn't even let me +kiss her;—I meant nothing but the genteel thing neither,—all +in an honest way. I wonder what she can see in that clumsy +booby's face, for to take his part, sooner than I!—but I'll go +buy a new coat and breeches, and get my head fricaseed, and +my beard comb'd a little, and then I'll cut a dash with the +best on 'em. I'll go see where that ill-looking fellow stays with +the ale.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>End of the Second Act.</i></p> + + + +<h2 class="gap3"><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III"></a>ACT III.</h2> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> I. <i>A Barber's Shop.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Humphry</span> in new clothes, reading a newspaper.—<span class="smcap">Toupee</span> +shaving him.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Pray now, master barber, what does Constitution +mean? I hears so many people a quarrelling about it,—I wish I +cou'd get somebody to give me the exclamation of it; here it is +among the news too. It's spelt C, O, N, con—S, T, I, sti—consti—T, +U, tu—constitu—T, I, ti—constituti—O, N, on—con-sti-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[Pg 384]</a></span>tu-ti-on,—but +your city folks calls it Constitushon; they've got +such a queer pronouncication.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Vat you please, sare?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, it pleases me well enough; I only want to +know what it magnifies.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Je ne vous entens pas, monsieur.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, what outlandish dialogue is that you're +a talking? I can't understand your lingo as well as the Schoolmaster's, +with his monstrous memorandums, and his ignorant +mouses.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> You be 'quainted with monsieur de Schoolmastare, +monsieur?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, mounsieur; he and the consumptive old gentleman, +old what's his name, was a wrangling about that confounded +name that I was axing you about;—caw—con—[<i>Looks at +the paper.</i>] aye, Constitution.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Dat Constitution is no bon;—de Schoolmastare vas +strike me for dat. By gar, I get de satisfaction!</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> He talks as crooked as a Guinea niger.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> He vas call me—ah, le diable!—block; dis—[<i>Points +to his head.</i>] blockhead, oui, blockhead.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> If you've got a mind, I'll lather him for you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Yes; den I vill lader you for nothing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> You lather me for nothing?—I'll lather you for +less yet, you barber-looking—</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> No, no; me lader you so.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Lathers <span class="smcap">Humphry's</span> face.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Oh, with soap-suds, you mean:—I ax pardon, +mounsieur; I thought how you was a going for to lather me without +soap-suds or razor, as the old proverb is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Dat is no possible, monsieur.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I believe not; you shou'd be shav'd as clean as a +whistle, if you was; 'faith should you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Yes, I will shave you very clean;—here is de bon +razor for shave de beard. [<i>Draws the razor over the back of <span class="smcap">Humphry's</span> hand, +to shew him it can cut a hair.</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> [<i>Bellowing out.</i>] You ill-looking, lousy, beard-combing, +head-shaving rascal! Did you ever know any body for +to have a beard upon their hand?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> You be von big 'merican brute, sur mon âme!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> You lie, as the saying is. What a mouth he makes +whenever he goes for to talk his gibberage!—He screws it up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[Pg 385]</a></span> +for all the world like a pickled oyster. I must have a care I don't +get some of that snuff out of his nose.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> You please for taste de snuff?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I don't care if I <i>smell</i> some. +[<i>Takes a pinch of snuff, which makes him sneeze, while <span class="smcap">Toupee</span> +is shaving him; by which he gets his face cut.</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Prenez garde à vous!</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> The devil take the snuff and you!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> S'il vous plaît, monsieur, you vill please for take de—de—vat +is dat—de lettre—de shallange to monsieur de Schoolmastare, +for fight me?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, that I will, with the most carefullest manner;—he +shall have it in the greatest pleasure.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i><span class="smcap">Toupee</span> gives a paper to <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Toupee.</span> Dat is de bon civility,—I vill be your—a—very good +friend.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Thank 'e kindly, Mounsieur.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt, severally.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> II. <i>A Street.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span> and <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Not find where he lives?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No;—you're the most unluckiest gentleman for +making of blunders,—didn't you tell me how your father liv'd +in number two hundred and fifty, in Queen-Street, in the three-story +brick house?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I did; is not that the house?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No—why, your father don't live there.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Did you enquire for Mr. Loveyet?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, I saw Mr. Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> The devil is in the fellow, I believe. Did you give +him my letter?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, but I didn't want to.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Becase I wanted for to carry it to your father.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What makes you think Mr. Loveyet is not my father?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Somebody told me so that's got a good right to +know; I've his own words for it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> My father tell you so?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> The young man is crazy, I believe.—I say Mr. +Loveyet said you wasn't his son; so I suppose he can't be your +father by that.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[Pg 386]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I forgot that the letter would probably produce this +misunderstanding. [<i>Aside.</i>]—He is the only one I know, whom I +have a right to call my father.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> May be you're the old fellow's bastard, and if +you're a bastard, you can't be a son, you know: aye, that's the +catch, I suppose.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Your new clothes make you quite smart, Mr. Cubb.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, don't I look quite smart, with these here new +clothes? they're all new, I'll insure you—only a little the worse +for wear; I bought 'em at the vandue option, at the Fly-Market.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> But how came you by that patch on one side of +your face, and that large crop of beard on the other?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Mounsieur, the outlandish barber, give me a small +cut across the whiskers; but the best of all you ha'n't seen yet;—see +here.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Pulls off his hat.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Aye, now you look something like—quite fierce—entirely +the fine gentleman, upon my falsehood. A genteel dress +is the very soul of a man, Mr. Cubb.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Like enough, for I've got more soul to shew myself, +now I cut such a dash; I've got a soul to see the shews at the +play-house; and, I think, I've got a great deal more soul to spend +a few shillings at the ale-house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> That's true; I'm glad you remind me of my +promise.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Not I, I didn't remind you,—I scorn it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I dare say you do. [<i>Gives him money.</i>] There, +drink my health with that.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> With all my heart—soul, I mean;—aye, here's soul +enough—[<i>Jingling the money.</i>]—to buy the matter o' twenty +mugs;—come, let's go at once.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I?—excuse me, sir; I have particular business elsewhere.—Sir, +your most humble servant.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Sir, I am your most humble sarvint too. [<i>Bows +awkwardly.</i>]</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt, severally.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> III. <i><span class="smcap">Mr. Friendly's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</i></p> + +<p>[<i>Knocking at the door.</i>] What an incessant knocking! Mr. +Friendly's family are out, and between their company and my +own, I expect to be engaged all day: I am fairly tired of these +morning visits;—they are fashionable, and, therefore, agreeable,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387">[Pg 387]</a></span> +to those who can make propriety and happiness subservient to +custom and false politeness; but, for my part—</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servant.</span> Miss Airy is waiting in her carriage, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Admit her. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</i>] She is the only one I +wish to see this morning.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> My dear Harriet, I am rejoic'd to find you at home;—I +this minute heard something, which I knew would make you +happy; and that, I trust, is a good excuse for troubling you twice +a day with my company.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You wrong my friendship, Maria, if you think you +can oblige me too often with your desirable company; 'tis true I +was wishing for a little cessation of that torrent of formal visitors +which is pouring in from morning till night; but far be it from +Harriet to reckon her Maria among that number.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You are very good, my dear; but you must give me +leave to be a little jealous that I am not the only one who is favoured +with such a preference.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Indeed, I do not know any one I have a particular +desire to see this morning, except yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You forget Mr. Loveyet, when you say so.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Poh! I am not talking of men.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> No; but it is very probable you are <i>thinking</i> of <i>a man</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> And pray what reason have you to think, that my +thoughts run upon such an improper subject?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> <i>Improper subject</i>,—ha, ha, ha. So my very discreet, +prudish little Harriet never lets man enter into her head; tho' +it is pretty notorious somebody has enter'd into her heart long ago.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Your discernment must be very subtle, if you know +all that is in my heart.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I only judge of your heart, by your tongue; and the +abundance of the former is generally inferred from the speech of +the latter.—Yes, yes—that constant, hypocritical heart of yours +is now throbbing with love, hope, curiosity, and—a thousand +speechless sensations, the improper subject of which, I do not +hesitate to declare, is odious man; and that man, the accomplished +Mr. Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Pshaw,—how can you tantalize one so?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_388" id="Page_388">[Pg 388]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Well, well, it shall not be serv'd like Tantalus any +more: <i>he</i> was doom'd to behold; and, beholding, to wish and +languish for the tempting draught, in vain: but a better doom +awaits the happy Harriet;—what she desires is not thus interdicted, +but will soon be obtain'd, and—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> How strangely you talk, Maria.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Well, I will not keep you in suspense any longer. Old +Mr. Loveyet has received a letter from his son, signifying his intention +to leave the West-Indies shortly after its date, so you may +expect to see him very soon. Then hey for a wedding, &c.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Ha, ha; you are a droll girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> But my time is precious; I am just going to the widow +Affable's:—about twelve months ago she paid me a visit, when, +agreeably to the form in such cases made and provided, she beg'd +I would be more sociable, and she would take it so kindly of me:—accordingly +I shall step in <i>en passant</i>, to shew her my sociability +and kindness, which I shall, perhaps, repeat at the end of +another year.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> How can you be so cruel? The pleasure I experience +in your society, makes me regret that any one should be deprived +of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> That is very strange:—I should imagine, if you priz'd +my company so much, you would wish me to withhold it from +others; because, the more I bless them with my presence, the +less will come to your share, you know, my dear;—nor is it easy +to conceive how you could be so fond of my sweet person, without +being jealous at the partiality of others;—but, after all, good people, +they say, are scarce; and my humble admirers shall find the +saying verified in me; because they are not fully sensible of my +superior value; but, since you prove the contrary, by extolling +my conversation and friendship so much, I likewise shall observe +a contrary conduct, and indulge you with a <i>tête-à-tête</i> frequently, +my dear.—But I have fifty places to call at yet:—I am to wait on +Miss Nancy Startup, Miss Biddy Dresswise, Miss Gaudy, Miss +Titterwell, Mrs. Furbelow, Mrs. Neverhome, Mrs—<i>et cætera, +et cætera</i>; which visits I mean to pay with all the formality and +fashionable shortness in my power: from thence I shall proceed +to Mademoiselle Mincit, the milliner; from thence to two or +three score of shops in William-Street, to buy a prodigious number +of important—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Trifles.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[Pg 389]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You are right, my dear;—as I live, I would not be one +of those officious "Nothing else, Ma'ms?" for all the goods from +the North Church to Maiden-Lane.—Adieu,—I leave you to +meditate on what I have told you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Farewell. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i>] Now Maria is gone, I +will see no more company.—If anything can be an excuse for a +falsehood, the present occasion offers a very good one:—I feel my +mind pretty much at ease, and I do not choose to have it disturbed +by the impertinence of pretended friends.—Who is there?</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servant.</span> Madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Whoever calls to see me to-day, remember I am not +at home.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servant.</span> Mr. Worthnought is here now, Madam; must I +deny you to him?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Undoubtedly. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</i>] I am disgusted +with the repetition of that coxcomb's nonsense.—[<i>Sighs.</i>]—I wish +Charles was here:—In spite of the false delicacy of that tyrant, +Custom, which forbids us to speak the exquisite effusions of a susceptible +heart, I can now speak boldly, while that heart dictates +to the willing tongue what complacence it feels at the prospect of +its Charles's return.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> IV. <i>Another part of <span class="smcap">Mr. Friendly's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Worthnought</span>, discovered solus.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Who comes here! He sha'n't see her, if I +don't, 'foregad—Curse me, but he shall go away with a flea in +his ear.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>, followed by <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Mr. Lovit—Mr. Lovit.—[<i>Takes him aside.</i>] As I +was a going along, d'ye see, I see you pop in here, and so I follow'd +you, to tell you, how old Mr. Lovit said he was intend for to go +for to see the old fellow's daughter, to tell her something about +the letter. Don't Mrs. Harriet live here?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"> +<span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'll make haste, and supersede the design of his +errand, if possible;—it would be a pity he should come before I had +appriz'd Harriet I was not in the West-Indies. [<i>Aside.</i>]—I am +obliged to you for your information.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>To <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_390" id="Page_390">[Pg 390]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Thank 'e, as the saying is. [<i>Going,—<span class="smcap">Worthnought</span> +whispers with him.</i>]—What's that to you?—How clumsy mounsieur +has dress'd his calabash!—Powder'd over the face and +eyes.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> I wish I knew what he wanted with him;—perhaps it is +something about me.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What Butterfly is this we have here!—I suppose it is the fop, +Frankton mentioned.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Sir, I have the honour to be, with the profoundest respect +and esteem, your most obedient, most devoted, and most obliged humble +slave, <i>foy d'Homme d'Honneur</i>—Tol lol, &c.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Sings.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> A very pompous salutation, truly. [<i>Aside.</i>]—Your +polite address does me too much honour, sir;—I cannot conceive +how you can be my obliged slave, as I do not recollect I ever saw +you before.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Why, sir, I'll tell you:—Your appearance, +sir, bespeaks the gentleman of distinction, sir,—</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> My <i>appearance</i>;—superficial coxcomb!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> 'Tis true, my words were words of course; but I meant every +word, sir, 'pon hanor.—"Cupid, Gad of saft persuasion, &c."</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Sings affectedly, and takes snuff.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Humph,—To whom, sir, am I indebted, for so much +civility?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Dick Worthnought, esquire, at your service, +sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> The very fool.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> And give me leave to add, sir, that I feel the +highest felicity, that you have given me so good an opportunity +of asking you, in my turn, for the favour of your name, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> My name is Loveyet, sir.—With +what solemnity the coxcomb talks!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> A native of this city, I presume, Mr. Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I am, sir; but I have been absent for some years, +and, as I was a youth when I left the city, I cannot be supposed to +have retained much of the Yorker.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Pardon me, sir;—to a person of penetration, +the Yorker is still conspicuous under the disguise of the foreigner; +and I am proud to have the hanor of being your countryman, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I fancy the honour is by no means reciprocal.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_391" id="Page_391">[Pg 391]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You are acquainted with Miss Harriet Trueman, +I presume, Mr. Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I was formerly acquainted with the lady.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You must know, sir, that your humble servant +has the hanor and felicity of being that lady's very humble +admirer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I dare say she is admired by all who have the +pleasure of knowing her.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Give me leave, sir,—I mean her lover.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Conceited ape!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> <i>You</i> have no pretensions, sir, I presume.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Pretensions?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Aye, sir; I thought you might have a small +<i>penchant</i>, as the French call it;—you apprehend me; but she +don't intend to see company to-day. I am monstrously chagrin'd, +sir, 'foregad, that I have it not in my power to introduce +you to the divine mistress of my heart; but, as matters are circumstanc'd, +I think it is not worth our while to stay.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I mean to see Miss Trueman before I shall think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Oh, fie, sir;—you wou'd not force a lady to +give you her company against her inclination:—perhaps, indeed, +she may appear to receive you with some warmth, and you may +flatter yourself you have fairly made a canquest of her, and think +Dick Worthnought esquire, is out-rival'd; but if so, you are +most demnably bit, 'foregad, for she's as slippery as ice, tho' +not quite so cold;—she is the very standard of true modern +coquetry, the quintessence of the <i>beau-monde</i>, and the completest +example of New-York levity, that New-York has the +hanor to call its beautiful inhabitant: ha, ha,—she'll jilt you;—however, +the dear creature, with all her amiable foibles, has +been so profuse of her attention to me, that I should be ungrateful +not to acknowledge the various favours she has hanor'd me +with.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Consummate impudence! [<i>Aside.</i>]—Miss Trueman's +character is well known, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Miss Trueman's character! Demme, sir, do +you mean to say anything against her character?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> No;—and I will take care you shall not, with impunity.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You are the most unmannerly fellow I ever +convers'd with, 'pan hanor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_392" id="Page_392">[Pg 392]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And you the most contemptible puppy; or that +fellow would be unmannerly enough to chastise you for your insolence.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> That's a demnable rub, demme;—curse him, +I'm afraid he isn't afraid of me, after all. [<i>Aside.</i>]—You wou'd +find me as brave as yourself then; demme, but you wou'd.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'll try you. [<i>Offers to cane him, which makes him +cry out.—Then enter <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>, hastily.</i>]</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Oh, dear!—what's the matter?</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Seeing <span class="smcap">Charles</span>, she shrieks.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> My dearest,—my adorable Harriet!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Is it possible? I did not dream that Mr. Loveyet +was the person who wanted to see me.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And am I again blest with a sight of the dear object +of all my wishes and affections!—I thank you, heaven; you have +been bountiful, indeed! The rolling billows, under your propitious +guidance, have at length wafted me to my native land, to +love and my dear Harriet.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> What the devil does he mean!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Your unexpected appearance, and the unaccountable +circumstance which attends it, have discomposed me in such +a manner, that I cannot express, as I wish, how happy I am in +your safe arrival.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Hah,—happy in his arrival! +If so, she will not be very happy in his rival, I'm afraid.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I will explain the occasion of my charmer's fright +immediately;—at present I can only tell you that your wou'd-be +lover, here—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> My lover!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> So he confidently call'd himself, and took such other +insufferably vain and impudent freedoms with your name, that I +attempted to give him a little wholesome admonition with this, if +his effeminate cries had not brought my lovely Harriet in to prevent +me; but the very attempt has proved him to be the basest +of dastards. [<i>While he is saying this, <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span> makes several +attempts to interrupt him.</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> [<i>To <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span>.</i>] I am equally surpriz'd and +incens'd, sir, that you would dare to take such freedoms with +my name.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Be assured, Miss Harriet, if you condescend to +grant your valuable company to such superficial gentry, they will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_393" id="Page_393">[Pg 393]</a></span> +ever prove themselves as unworthy of it as he has; but your +goodness does not let you suspect the use which such characters +make of the intimacy they are honour'd with, or you would spurn +their unmeaning flattery, and ridiculous fopperies, with indignation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I ever till now consider'd him as a respectful, well-meaning +person, as far as regarded myself; and as such, gave him +a prudent share of my civilities; but I never thought either his +intellects or his person sufficient to entitle him to a partial intimacy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You cannot deny, madam, that I have repeatedly +experienced the most flattering proofs of your partiality, +that a lady (who values her reputation) can ever bestow on her +admirer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Contemptible thing! An admirer, forsooth! Of +what?—Your ideas are too mean and frothy to let you admire +anything but my dress, or some other trifle as empty and superficial +as the trifler I am speaking to. My demeanour towards +you was nothing but the effect of cheerfulness and politeness; +qualities which, I believe, are inherent in me, and of which, +therefore, all with whom I am acquainted are the objects; but +your present unmanly and insupportably impudent discourse, +makes me despise myself almost as much as you, for allowing such +a wretch even that small degree of attention which he so illy deserved.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You are very insulting, madam, 'pan hanor.—</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> How apt such fellows are to have <i>honour</i> in their mouths.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> This is only a trick to conceal your inconstancy +during his absence; but it is the nature of the sex to deceive +us.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> 'Tis the nature of a fool to say so; and if that fool +does not instantly quit the subject and the house together, I must +request the favour of Mr. Loveyet to make him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> "As matters are circumstanced, Mr. Worthnought, +I think it is not worth your while to stay."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Her unparallel'd rudeness shall not compel +me to leave the house, till I please.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> "Oh, fie, sir,—you would not force a lady to give +you her company against her inclination."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_394" id="Page_394">[Pg 394]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You are very fond of echoing my words, it +seems.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, when I can apply them to your disappointment +and disgrace.—"I am monstrously chagrin'd, sir, 'foregad, +that I have it not in my power to introduce you to the divine mistress +of my heart." Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> 'Tis very well,—I will have revenge;—if the +laws of politeness (which I would rather die than infringe) did not +forbid swearing before a <i>lady</i> [<i>In a contemptuous tone.</i>], curse me, +but I would d——n you for a—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Interrupting him.</i>]—"You must know, sir, I have +the hanor and felicity of being this lady's very humble admirer."—You +have failed in your predictions, I think, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Yes, and she shall soon pay for her duplicity; +tho' I would not have you think that her ill usage mortifies me in +the least: I never was in love with her, nor did I ever intend marriage, +which is more than <i>she</i> can say; and, I believe, it is fortunate +for us both, that you arriv'd when you did, or something +might have happened, which would have obliged me to marry her, +merely to prevent her from being miserable.—Ha, ha, ha. Tol +lol, &c.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> What a superlative wretch!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> He is too contemptible to cost you a thought, +Harriet:—none but the puppy tribe, and a few splenetic old +maids, will pay any attention to his slander; they, no doubt, will +spread it with avidity;—but to be traduced by such, is to be +praised.—Hah!—there comes my father;—I forgot to tell you I +expected him here: I will try if he knows me.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> Madam, your most obedient;—Sir, your +servant.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Bows.</i>] I find he does not know me:—Nature, be +still; for now I feel he is indeed my father.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Mr. Loveyet, I am happy to see you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> She would not be quite so happy, if she knew +my errand. [<i>Aside.</i>]—I have waited on you, madam, upon disagreeable +business.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> How, sir?—I beg you will not leave me in suspense: +What is it?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_395" id="Page_395">[Pg 395]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> It is a matter of a delicate nature, madam, and +therefore, must not be spoken at random.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Heaven avert any unfavourable event!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Mr. Loveyet, your cautious innuendoes give me sensible +uneasiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I will withdraw, Miss Trueman;—My love—friendship, +I would say, though it wishes to afford you happiness, and +participate in your troubles, does not presume to intrude on the +private conversation Mr. Loveyet wishes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I dare say your presence is no restraint, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> I don't know that, madam: pray, who is the +gentleman?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> The gentleman is my very particular friend, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> By my body, here is rare work going on.—[<i>Aside.</i>]—Well, +madam, as the gentleman is your <i>very particular +friend</i>; and as his <i>love</i>—friendship, I mean, is so great, that you +dare to entrust all your secrets with him; I shall acquaint you, +that, as you and my son have long entertained a partiality for +each other, and being desirous to fulfill all my engagements, as +well as to make him happy, I have wrote for him to come and conclude +the marriage; but, for very good reasons, I have this day +determined to forbid the bans; and Mr. Trueman says, he is very +willing too.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hah!—what can all this mean?</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> You must know, madam, your father has us'd +me very ill; and—to be plain with you, madam, your familiarity +with this person, convinces me you wou'd have play'd the fool +with my son, without my breaking the match. Ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> The old gentleman imagines I am going +to cut myself out, it seems.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside to <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You do not know who this is, sir, or you would not +put any improper constructions on the friendly freedom you have +observ'd between us.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> True; and, therefore, you need not be +concerned at what he says.—Since he has made this unlucky resolution, he must not know who I am.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside to <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> How well she dissembles!—<i>Friendly freedom,</i>—a +pretty term that, for the wanton hussy. [<i>Aside.</i>]—I wish +Charles was here now; he wou'd acknowledge his father's kindness +in preventing a match, which, I am sure, would end in sorrow +and disappointment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_396" id="Page_396">[Pg 396]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I doubt that much.—This parent of mine is a singular character.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside to <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> It is necessary you should be made acquainted with +some of his oddities: his most striking peculiarity is a desire to +be thought younger than he is; and, I dare say, some remark of +my father, respecting his age, is the only cause of his present ill +humour.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet.</span> Look how they whisper!—well, she is the most +brazen coquette I ever knew!—Yes, yes, now her scandalous conduct +is glaring enough. [<i>Aside.</i>]—I wish you and your <i>very particular +friend</i>, a good day, madam.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I think our troubles increase fast: how unlucky, +that this dispute should happen at the very crisis of your arrival;—an +event which we fondly expected would be attended with the +most pleasing circumstances.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Those fond expectations, my lovely partner in trouble, +shall soon be realized;—this is only the momentary caprice +of old age.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You must take care not to talk of <i>age</i>, before him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, my fair monitor; I shall think of that: and +now permit me, in my turn, to give you a little advice.—In the +first place, I would have you go to your father—fall at his feet—clasp +your fair hands, thus—beseeching him in such terms as that +gentle heart is so well form'd to dictate, and persuading him with +the all-prevailing music of that tuneful voice, to recall his +rigourous intention, nor doom such angelic goodness and beauty +to despair, by persisting to oppose an alliance which alone can +make you blest; and without which, the most faithful of lovers +will be rendered the most wretched one on earth. I shall take a +similar method with my old gentleman, and I think I can insure +myself success.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> This is all very fine; but—to have the voluntary +consent of the parent one loves,—how infinitely more agreeable! +I would not offend mine, for the world: and yet—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And yet you will be obliged to offend him, by having +me, eigh?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Pshaw;—how strangely you misconstrue my meaning: +I was going to observe, that I expect his obstinacy and pride +will prove invincible, in spite of all the rhetoric you are pleased to +ascribe to me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_397" id="Page_397">[Pg 397]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Then we will employ a little rhetoric, against which +another class of fathers are not quite so invincible.—Parsons are +plenty, you know; and Gold and Silver are persuasive little +words. <i>Love</i> inspires me with the spirit of prophecy, and tells me +I shall soon with propriety call the loveliest of her sex, mine.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You are very eloquent, Mr. Loveyet: I do not think +the subject merits so many florid speeches.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Not merit them!—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>'Tis not in human language, to define</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Merit so rare, and beauty—so divine!</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Then what avails this little praise of mine?</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> <i>Harriet deserves not praise so great as thine.</i></p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>End of the Third Act.</i></p> + + + +<h2 class="gap3"><a name="ACT_IV" id="ACT_IV"></a>ACT IV.</h2> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> I. <i><span class="smcap">Trueman's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Trueman</span> [<i>solus</i>].</p> + +<p>I sincerely lament this unfortunate dispute.—I know Harriet +loves that young fellow, though he has been so long absent; +and, therefore, I regret it; for, to what end do I live but to see +her happy!—But I will not give way to his father;—perhaps +he may think better of the matter, for I know him to be of a +placable nature, though passionate;—and yet he seems to be inflexible +in his resolution.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Sarvint, Mr. Schoolmaster;—here's a challenge for you.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Gives <span class="smcap">Trueman</span> the barber's note.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> A challenge! Surely the old blockhead would not +make himself so ridiculous.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, it's for that;—I remember he said you call'd +him a blockhead.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You may go and tell him I advise him to relinquish +his knight-errant project, or I will expose his absurdity by taking +the advantage which the law offers in such cases.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> That is, you'll take the law of him, if he goes for to +fight you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_398" id="Page_398">[Pg 398]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Fight me!—Oh, grovelling idea! Wit-forsaken +progeny of a more than soporific pericranium! Fight me!—Hear +and be astonished, O Cicero, Demosthenes, Socrates, Plato, +Seneca, Aristotle,—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Oh, for shame!—Do you read Haristotle?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Be it known to thee, thou monstrous mass of ignorance, +if such an uninformed clod, dull and heavy as that element +to which it must trace its origin, can comprehend these very +obvious and palpable truths, expressed in the most plain, simple, +easy, unscholastic diction.—I repeat again, that you may apprehend +me with the greater perspicuity and facility,—be it known +to thee, that those immaculate sages would have died rather than +have used such an expression; by the dignity of my profession, +they would:—'tis true that the ancients had such things as +single combats among the Olympic games, and they were always +performed by the populace; but such a fight, alias a tilt, a tournament, +a wrestle, could not, according to the rule of right, and +the eternal fitness and aptitude of things, be properly denominated +a <i>bona fide</i> fight; for, as I before observed, it was <i>ipso facto</i>, +a game, an Olympic game.—Olympic, from Olympus.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Pray now, Mr. Schoolmaster, if a body mought be +so bold, what do you think of the last war? Does your Schoolmastership +think how that was a fona bide fight?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> You are immensely illiterate; but I will reply to +your interrogatory.—My opinion of the late war, is as follows, to +wit.—<i>Imprimis.</i> The Americans were wise, brave and virtuous +to struggle for that liberty, independence and happiness, which +the new government will now render secure. <i>Item.</i> The Americans +were prodigious fortunate to obtain the said liberty, independence +and happiness. A war, encounter, combat, or, if you +please, fight like this, is great and glorious; it will immortalize +the name of the renowned <span class="smcap">Washington</span>,—more than that of +Cincinnatus, Achilles, Æneas, Alexander the Great, Scipio, Gustavus +Vasa, Mark Anthony, Kouli Khan, Cæsar or Pompey.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Cæsar and Pompey! Why them is nigers' names.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> <i>O tempora! O mores!</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> He talks Greek like a Trojan.—Tempora mores;—I +suppose how that's as much as to say, it was the temper of +the Moors, that's the nigers, for to be call'd Cæsar and Pompey.—I +guess how he can give me the exclamation of that plaguy +word.—Con—let me see [<i>Spells it in the manner he did before.</i>]<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_399" id="Page_399">[Pg 399]</a></span>—Please +your worshipful reverence, Mr. Schoolmaster, what's +Latin for Constitution?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> To tell you what is Latin for Constitution, will not +make you a particle the wiser; I will, therefore, explain it in the +vernacular tongue.—Constitution then, in its primary, abstract, +and true signification, is a concatenation or coacervation of simple, +distinct parts, of various qualities or properties, united, compounded, +or constituted in such a manner, as to form or compose +a system or body, when viewed in its aggregate or general nature. +In its common, or generally received, acceptation, it implies two +things.—First, the nature, habit, disposition, organization or +construction of the natural, corporeal, or animal system.—Secondly, +a political system, or plan of government. This last definition, +I apprehend, explains the Constitution you mean.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Like enough, but I don't understand a single word +you've been a talking about.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> No! 'Tis not my fault then:—If plainness of language, +clearness of description, and a grammatical arrangement +of words will not suffice, I can do no more.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span> listening.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I mean the Constitution that you read in the newspapers +about; that that your worship was a going to get at loggerheads +with old Mr. What's-his-name, about.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'll old you, you rascal!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Did you never hear your friends in the country +talk of the new Constitution?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Not I, I never heard anybody talk about it, at the +Pharisee's Head;—I don't believe Jeremy Stave, the clark of the +meeting-house, no, nor Parson Thumpum himself ever heard of +such a word—No, not even old Mr. Scourge, the Schoolmaster.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> A hopeful genius, for a Schoolmaster, upon my education. +Do you send him to me,—I'll qualify him for that important +station.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> And I'll be qualify'd I never larnt such a word +when I went to his school.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Nor any other one, I believe, properly speaking.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Oh yes, I'll say that for him;—he us'd to take a +great deal of pains for to larn us proper speaking.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> The Constitution you hear so much noise about, is +a new government, which some great and good men have lately<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_400" id="Page_400">[Pg 400]</a></span> +contrived, and now recommend for the welfare and happiness of +the American nation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Oh, the traitor!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> But didn't old Mr. What's-his-name say, how they +wanted for to make slaves of us?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> There's <i>old</i> Mr. What's-his-name, again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Mr. Loveyet is a weak man;—you must not mind +what he says.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Oh, I shall burst!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Only think now of his sending me a challenge, because +I told him he was sixty odd years of—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Running towards them.</i>] Death and the devil! +Have I sent you a challenge?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No, not you, old gentleman.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I'll give you <i>old</i> gentleman.—Take that, for calling +me old again. [<i>Offers to strike him; but missing his blow, he falls +down.</i>] Oh, what an unlucky dog I am! My evil genius is certainly +let loose today.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Let us coolly enquire into this enigmatical affair, +Mr. Loveyet. [<i>Breaks open the note, and reads.</i>] What is all +this?—Booby—blockhead—satisfaction—challenge—courage—honour—gentleman—honour'd +per Monsieur Cubb.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, that's I.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> And pray, Mr. Cubb, who gave you this pretty +epistle?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, mounsieur, the barber.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> By the dignity of my profession, it must be so:—Now +there's a solution to the enigma.—Mr. Loveyet, you will +excuse my mistaking this business so much;—the paltry Frisieur +never enter'd my head;—you recollect I gave him a little flagellation +this morning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, and I recollect the occasion too;—this confounded +upstart Constitution (that cause of all my crosses and +troubles) is at the bottom of every mischief.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Yes, your wou'd-be Constitution, has indeed done +a deal of mischief.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I deny it;—it is perfectly inoffensive and mild.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Mild, indeed:—happy would it be for America, if +her government was more coercive and energetic!—I suppose +you have heard that Massachusetts has ratified this upstart +Constitution;—this is the sixth grand column in the federal edi<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_401" id="Page_401">[Pg 401]</a></span>fice; +we only want three more to make up the lucky nine; and +then the nine Muses will make our western world their permanent +abode; and <i>he</i> who is at once their Favourite and Patron, will +preside over the whole: then we shall see another Golden Age; +arts will then flourish, and literature be properly encouraged. +That's the grand <i>desideratum</i> of <i>my</i> wishes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> A fig for your Latin and your literature!—That's +the way your unconstitutional Constitutionalists take the advantage +of our weak side, and—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> And the said weak side being easily discovered, +as you have but one side,—go on, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And cram their unconstitutional bolus down our +throats, with Latin;—you and your vile junto of perfidious politicians +want to <i>Latin</i> us out of our liberties.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Well, why don't they take the law of the pollikitchens +then, eigh?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Mr. Loveyet, I never knew a man of your age and +wisdom—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Age, sir!—Wisdom!—Yes, wisdom, sir.—Age again, +eigh? Ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Was there ever such preposterous behaviour!—You +are getting as crazy as your favorite Constitution.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You are crazier than either, you old blockhead, or +you would not make such a crazy speech: I say my constitution +is a thousand per cent. better than yours. Ugh, ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> A pretty figure for a good constitution! What a +striking instance of health, youth, and beauty! How emblematically +grotesque! The very image of deformity and infirmity! +A perfect mirror for Milton's description of Sin and Death.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Not Yorick's skull, nor Hamlet's ghost,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Nor all the tragic, stage-made host;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>With saucer eyes, and looks aghast,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Would make me run away so fast:</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Not all who Milton's head inspire,—</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>"Gorgons and Hydras and Chimæras dire!"</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Nor haggard Death, nor snake-torn Sin,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Look half so ugly, old and thin;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>No—all his hell-born, monstrous crew,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Are not so dire a sight as you!</i><br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_402" id="Page_402">[Pg 402]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="hangindent"><p>[<i>While <span class="smcap">Trueman</span> is saying this, <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> appears to be in a violent +rage, and makes several attempts to interrupt the former, +who shuns <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>, as if afraid.</i>]</p></div> + +<p class="befstagedir"> +<span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Fire and murder!—Must I bear to be held up for such a monster? +Perdition!—What shall I do? What shall I say?—Oh! oh! oh!—Oh! +liberty! Oh, my country! Look how he ridicules me!—Did ever any poor +man suffer so much for the good of his country!—But I won't give up the +glorious cause yet;—sir,—Mr. Trueman—I insist upon it, the new +Constitution, sir,—I say, that the old—the new—that—that—'Zounds +and fury!—</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Running towards him, and making an attempt to strike him.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> My dear Mr. Loveyet, compose yourself a little;—for +heaven's sake, sir, consider;—your animal Constitution is +not able to withstand the formidable opposition of my political +one;—the shock is too great;—let me persuade you, sir; and as +soon as nine States accede to the adoption of the new Constitution, +we will investigate the merits of the old. Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<div class="hangindent"><p>[<i>This speech and the preceding one, are to be spoken at the same +time; during which, <span class="smcap">Trueman</span> and <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> run about the +stage, and <span class="smcap">Humphry</span> retreats from them as they approach him.</i>]</p></div> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Harriet</span> alarmed.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Oh, Papa,—my dear Papa, what's the matter!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And, sir, as sure as—as—eight times nine is sixty-three, +your new government is not bottom, not sound; and—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> And as sure as you are sixty-three, your head is not +sound.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Here is your incomparable daughter;—I came here +to acquaint you of her scandalous conduct; but now she can save +me that trouble.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> How, sir! My daughter's scandalous conduct?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I was going to tell you. I caught her with a strange +gallant,—a "very particular friend;" whose "love,—friendship, +I would say," was so sincere, that she was kind enough to grant +him a little "friendly freedom," in my presence.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Heaven protect me! There certainly must be something in this.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And that I have received a letter from my son.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, now he's his son again.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And that he will be here soon, and that when he +comes, I am going to marry him to Miss Maria Airy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_403" id="Page_403">[Pg 403]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I must go tell Mr. Lovit of that, at once.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside, and exit.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And—but it is no matter now:—I suppose she will +tell you a fine story of a cock and a bull.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I shall not be base enough to deceive a father, I +give you my honour, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I am very much mistaken if you have not given +<i>that</i> to somebody already:—A woman's honour is a very perishable +commodity; a little thing often spoils it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> By what a feeble tenure does poor woman hold her +character and peace of mind!—It is true, sir, that a woman's +<i>reputation</i> is too frequently, with ruffian cruelty, blasted in the +bud, without a cause; and that so effectually, that it seldom or +never flourishes again; but let me remind you, sir, in the words +of the poet, that—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>"Honour's a sacred tie, the law of kings;—</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>It ought not to be sported with."</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I say it ought to be sported with; and, by my body, +'tis capital sport, too;—eigh, Horace?—[<i>Sings.</i>]—"Then hoity +toity, whisky frisky, &c."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> A truce to your insipid, hard-labour'd wit: the +honour you are pleased to call in question, is not an empty name +which can be purchased with gold; it is too inestimable to be +counterpoised by that imaginary good; otherwise the titles of +Honourable and Excellent would be always significant of his +Honour's or his Excellency's intrinsic worth;—a thing "devoutly +to be wish'd," but unfortunately too seldom exemplified; for, +as the dramatic muse elegantly says of money,—"Who steals +my purse, steals trash."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I deny it;—the dramatic muse, as you call him, was +a fool:—trash indeed! Ha, ha, ha. Money trash! Ready Rhino +trash! Golden, glittering, jingling money!—I'm sure he cou'dn't +mean the hard stuff.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Very sublime conceptions, upon my erudition; +and expressed by some truly elegant epithets; but your ideas, +like your conscience, are of the fashionable, elastic kind;—self-interest +can stretch them like Indian-rubber.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What a stupid old gudgeon!—Well, you'll believe what +I tell you, sooner or later, Mr. Schoolmaster; so your servant:—as +for you, Miss Hypocrite, I wish your Honour farewell, +and I guess you may do the same.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_404" id="Page_404">[Pg 404]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> These insinuations, Harriet, have put my anxiety +to the rack.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I am happy I can so soon relieve you from it, sir. +Young Mr. Loveyet arrived this morning; but, it seems, the old +gentleman has entirely forgot him, during his long absence; and +when he heard his father's resolution, in consequence of the dispute +he had with you, he did not think proper to make himself +known. It was this which made him think me so culpable, that +you hear he talks of marrying him to my friend Maria.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I see into the mistake; but the worst construction +the affair will admit, does not justify his using you so indecently; +and, if it were not for the more powerful consideration of a +daughter's happiness, I would make him repent it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I have ever found my honoured, my only parent +both wise in concerting plans for that daughter's happiness, and +good in executing them to the utmost of his ability; and, I dare +say, he does not think her alliance with Mr. Loveyet's son will +prove unfavourable to her happiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Far from it, my child:—Your unusual good sense +makes a common-place lecture unnecessary, Harriet; but beware +of flattery and dissimulation; for the manners of the present age +are so dissolute, that the young fellows of these degenerate days +think they cannot be fine gentlemen without being rakes, and—in +short, rascals; for they make a merit even of debauching innocence:—indeed, +that is scarcely to be wondered at, when so many +of those who are called ladies of taste and fashion, strange as it +may seem, like them the better for it;—but I hope, you and Mr. +Loveyet are exceptions to such depravity.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I think I can venture to assure you, we <i>are</i>, sir;—and +now, if my father has nothing more to impart, I will take my +leave of him; and be assured, sir, your advice shall be treasured +here, as a sacred pledge of paternal love.—Adieu, Papa.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Farewell, Harriet;—Heaven prosper your designs.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> II. <i>A Street.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Humphry</span> and <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span> meeting.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Sir, your most obedient.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Here's that mackmarony again.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> I have not the honour to know your name, sir, +but if you will inform me what you were whispering with Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_405" id="Page_405">[Pg 405]</a></span> +Loveyet about, you will make me the most obsequious and devoted +of your slaves.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> My slave!—Why, I wou'dn't have you for a slave, +if you was to pay me for it;—with your silk sattin breeches, and +your lily white gloves, and your crimp'd up toes, and your fine +powder'd calabash, that's so smart outside.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> You entirely mistake my meaning, friend;—I'm +a man of quality.—Do I look like a servant, a hireling, a vile +menial?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No, you look more like a dancing-master, a fighting-master, +or a play-actor, or some such flashy folks; but looks +is nothing, for everybody dresses alike nowadays; like master, +like man, as the old saying is; ecod, you can't tell a Congressman +from a marchant's 'prentice, everybody dresses so fine.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Ha, ha, ha,—he is pasitively a very eccentric +bady, and there is a small tincture of a barbarous sart of wit in +what he says; but it wants an immensity of correction, an infinitude +of polishing; he is a mere son of nature, everything he says +is express'd in such a Gathic, uncouth, Anti-Chesterfieldian style; +and as for his dress, it is pasitively most prepasterously clownish +and original.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why he talks as many long-winded, old-fashioned +words, as the Schoolmaster.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Mr.—Mr.—Pray what is your proper name, +besides Humphry? Your sirname, I mean.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> My proper sirname is Humphry Cubb; why our +family is the most largest family within the circumroundibus of +fifty miles, and the most grandest too, tho' I say it that shou'dn't +say it; for my father's father's great-grandfather was a just-ass +of the peace, when King George the third was a sucking baby, +and, therefore, as father says, a greater <i>man</i> then, than he was, +ha, ha, ha. And his great aunt, by his mother's side, had the +honour to be chief waiting woman to Mynheer Van Hardsprakencrampdejawmetlongname, +the Dutch governor's public scratchetary; +but I needn't go so far back neither, for I've got, at this +present time, no less than two second cousins; one of 'em is +soup-provider for the county, and t'other belongs to the liglislature, +and both belonging to our family too;—both Cubbs.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Yes, the world abounds with Cubbs, just +such unlick'd ones as you are;—there is a profusion of them in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_406" id="Page_406">[Pg 406]</a></span> +this city.—You must know, <i>I</i> am Dick Worthnought, esquire; +a gentleman, a buck of the blood, and a—you understand me.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, your family must be as big as mine, then; +for I've seen hundreds of such Worth-nothing bloody bucks as +you, since I've been in town.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Your criticisms are perfectly barbarous and +disagreeable, 'foregad; but,—will you let me know what you and +the West-India young gentleman were whispering about, at Miss +Trueman's?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes.—You can have Miss Trueman now, if you've +a mind.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Can I? Only prove your words, and enroll +me your everlasting, your indissoluble friend, demme.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Friend me none of your friends; I don't want such +everlasting friends as you, d'ye see, becase why, if you never +make a beginning with your friendship, I'm sure it can't be everlasting; +and if you've got a mind to shew your friendliness, I'm +sure you cou'dn't have a more fitter time than now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> What wou'd the addity have me say, I +wonder.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> I wou'dn't have you say anything,—you talk too +much already, for the matter o' that; I like for to see people do +things, not talk 'em.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> There [<i>Gives him money.</i>]—is that what you +want?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, I thought you understood me well enough.—Your +friendship wants as much spurring and kicking and coaxing +as our lazy old gelding at home;—I wou'dn't trust such a friend +as far as I cou'd fling a cow by the tail.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Poh, poh,—to the point, to the point.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, then you must know, how old Mr. Lovit is a +going for to marry the West-Indian young gentleman to young +Mistress Airy, I think he call'd her; and so you can go try Mistress +Harriet yourself, for I'm sure she won't have him now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Why, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why if she gets him, she'll get a bastard, for old +Mr. Lovit isn't his father.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> No?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No;—and then he and the Schoolmaster kick'd +up a proper rumpus about a challenge I fetch'd him; and that's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_407" id="Page_407">[Pg 407]</a></span> +all the news you'll get for your money.—A poor shilling that +won't buy ale to my oysters to-night.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Worthnought</span> [<i>manet</i>].</p> + +<p class="befstagedir">This is a lucky meeting, 'foregad;—I'll go immediately and +report, that young Loveyet has of late seen my quondam charmer +carry a copy of him in miniature about her, which (strange to +tell) is continually growing nearer to the life; and that he refuses +to have her, on that account.—"If she gets him, she will get a +bastard."—By which I choose to understand,—matters have gone +so far, that she cannot save herself from that disgrace, even if she +marries him.—Now, in order that this tale of mine may transpire +briskly, I must first see some of my tattling female friends;—they +will set it a going like wild-fire.—Split me, but it is an excellent +thought;—ha, ha, ha. Poor Loveyet.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> III. <i><span class="smcap">Herald's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Cantwell</span> and <span class="smcap">Herald</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> I am very happy to find you home;—I was almost +eat up with the vapours before I saw you. [<i>Sighs.</i>]—Well, what's +the news, Miss Herald?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> Nothing strange, Miss Tabitha; I am as barren of +anything new, as an old Almanack.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Oh shocking!—"as barren of anything new."—What +an odious expression!—The most vulgarest comparison in +nature.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> Umph.—I suppose, if Mr. Gracely was here, you +would not be so much in the dumps.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Ah, Miss Herald!—If you felt the corruptions of +your wicked heart, you would be in the dumps too, as you call it.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Sighs.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> I believe there is a certain corruption in your heart, +which our sex are apt to feel very sensibly, and that is the want +of a husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> The want of a husband!—I vow, you are monstrous +indelicate, Miss Herald; I am afraid you are wandering +from the paths of vartue, as dear good Mr. Gracely says.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> There comes his very reverse,—Mr. Worthnought.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Ah, he is a profane rake; he is lighter than vanity, +as Mr. Gracely says;—a mere painted sepulchre.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_408" id="Page_408">[Pg 408]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> That ancient sepulchre of yours is pretty much daub'd, I think.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Ladies, <i>J'ay bien de la joye de vous voir.</i> I +have the supernal and superlative hanor and felicity, of being +most respectfully yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> I hope I have the pleasure to see Mr. Worthnought +well.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> <i>Là, Là, Mademoiselle; assez bien: Je vous +suis obligé.</i>—She has reviv'd her wither'd chaps with rouge in a +very nasty manner, 'pan hanor. [<i>Aside.</i>]—Have you heard the +news, respecting Miss Harriet Trueman, ladies?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Yes, now I think on 't, there is a report about +town, that old Mr. Loveyet saw her and another rather familiar +together.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Oh, you have not heard half, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Do, let us hear, Mr. Worthnought.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> Aye, do; but do not say anything that will hurt Miss +Tabitha's delicacy; for, before you came in, I was complaining +that I was <i>barren</i> of anything new, and she was almost ready to +swoon at the expression.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> If Miss Tabitha has such an antipathy to +barrenness, she will not be offended at my subject, which is a +very prolific one, I assure you; for Miss Trueman is on the verge +of <i>bearing</i> a son.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Oh, horrid! What will this wicked world come to +at last!—A good-for-nothing, wanton hussy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Very true, madam:—by persons of easy notions +of virtue, indeed, it would be considered a trifling <i>faux pas</i>, +as the French call it; a perfect <i>bagatelle</i>; or, at most, a superficial +act of incontinency; but to those who have such rigid notions of +virtue as Miss Cantwell, for example, or Miss Herald, or their +humble servant; it appears quite another thing, quite another +thing, ladies:—though it is one of my foibles;—I own it is a fault +to be so intalerably nice about the affairs of women; but it is a +laudable imperfection, if I may be allowed the phrase;—it is erring +on the safe side, for women's affairs are delicate things to +meddle with, ladies.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> You are perfectly in the right, Mr. Worthnought, +but one can't help speaking up for the honour of one's sex, you +know.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_409" id="Page_409">[Pg 409]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Very true, madam:—to make the matter still +worse, ladies, Mr. Loveyet is just arrived from abroad to be +married to her; and the old gentleman is going to ally him immediately +to Miss Maria Airy in consequence of it.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> I am glad of that, however;—I will forgive Miss Trueman her +failing, if that is the case, for then I shall have a better chance to gain Frankton.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> But this is <i>entre nous</i>, ladies.—[<i>Looks at his watch.</i>] +Hah,—the <i>tête-à-tête!</i>—Ladies, I have the hanor to be your slave.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> You are positively the greatest lady's man, Mr. +Worthnought,—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> I am proud of your compliment, madam; and +I wish Miss Tabitha could consider me such, from her own experience; +it would be conferring the highest hanor on her slave, 'pan +hanor.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Oh, sir,—your politeness quite confuses me.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Curtsying.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Miss Herald, your thrice devoted.—<i>Mademoiselle, +je suis votre Serviteur très humble.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Mr. Worthnought, your servant.—[<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span>.</i>]—Don't +you think he is a very pretty fellow, Miss +Herald?—He's the very pattern of true politeness; his address is +so winning and agreeable,—and then, he talks French, with the +greatest felicity imaginable.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> I cannot say I see many perfections in him; but you +talk'd very differently just now;—Mr. Worthnought then was +lighter than vanity; and now, it seems, he has more weight with +you, than good Mr. Gracely.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> You are only mortify'd that Mr. Worthnought +took so little notice of you, ma'am; you see he prefers me to you, +though you value yourself so much upon being a little young, +ma'am; you see men of sense don't mind a few years, ma'am; +so your servant, ma'am.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Herald</span> [<i>manet</i>].</p> + +<p class="befstagedir">What a vain old fool! Now will she make this story of her +swain spread like a contagion: as for me, I must circulate it +pretty briskly too; perhaps, it may make me succeed better with +Frankton; otherwise the poor girl might lie in peaceably, for me.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_410" id="Page_410">[Pg 410]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> IV. <i><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span> discovered solus.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Charles Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Mr. Loveyet, your most obedient.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Sir, your servant.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Don't you know me, sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, I think I have seen you before.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> You really have, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Oh, yes, I recollect now;—you are the person who +have supplanted my son.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Indeed, sir, I am not that person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> How!—Was you not with Harriet Trueman, this +morning?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Yes, sir; but I have no intention to supplant your +son, I assure you; on the contrary, it is the supreme wish of my +heart, that his love may be rewarded with so rich a treasure as the +amiable Harriet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> He shall be rewarded with a much richer one, if he +is wise enough to think so.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> If it be wisdom to prefer another to Harriet, +then may I ever remain a fool!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> But pray, sir, what is your business with me?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> My business is first to know if you have any objection +to my marrying Miss Trueman, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What a paradoxical fellow this is! [<i>Aside.</i>]—Did +not you this minute say, you did not intend to have her?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I did not, sir; I mean to have her if possible, and +that without disappointing your son; but I shall explain myself +better, by telling you who I am. Look at me well, sir—did you +never see such a face before?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I hope I am not talking to a lunatic! [<i>Aside.</i>]—Yes, +I saw you this morning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Did you never see me before that, sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Looks at him steadfastly.</i>] Yes,—I'm sure I have; +and I'm very much mistaken, if—yes, that reconciles all his +strange conduct;—it must be so;—it is Charles himself.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> My father!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Embracing him.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And are you indeed my son?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I hope I am, sir; and as such, I thus kneel to obtain +forgiveness for deceiving you so.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Kneels.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_411" id="Page_411">[Pg 411]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Rise up my lad;—by my body, I am rejoic'd to see +you;—you did take your father in a little, to be sure; but never +mind it;—I'll take you in another way, perhaps.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I wish you would take me in the matrimonial way, +sir;—that would be a most agreeable take in.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Well, well, we shall not disagree about that:—I am +very happy this affair clears up Harriet's conduct so well; she is +a fine girl, that's certain; and, if you love her as much as you formerly +did, why—I don't know what I may not do.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Oh, sir, you make me unspeakably happy! If +my Love is to be the condition of the welcome Bond, I do not care +if it is executed to-morrow; for, were the penalty an age of love, +I am sure I could pay it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By my body, I'll have a wedding soon, and a merry +one too:—I'll go and make it up with old Trueman;—but then he +must not talk of the Constitution.—That's true, Charles, what +government are you for, eigh?—The old or the new?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I say, which Constitution do you like best?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> What the mischief shall I say!—Now Love befriend +me. [<i>Aside.</i>] Since you seem desirous of knowing my opinion on +this subject, sir; I must candidly tell you, I am decidedly in favour +of the new Constitution.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hah—the new Constitution!—A good-for-nothing, +corrupted, aristocratic profligate!—But you shall not have her +now; that is as fixed as fate.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Oh, cruel event! How soon all my towering hopes +fall prostrate in the dust!—Do, sir, try and think better of the +matter;—I will promise to make myself think or do anything you +please, rather than have the double misfortune to offend my +father, and lose my Harriet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Base foe to the liberties of his country!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> It is very strange, sir, that you should be so violent +about such matters, at your time of life.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Hah! do you dare?—Yes, he wants to provoke me +still more;—to talk to me about my time of life! Why, I'm not +old enough for your father, you great whelp you:—Ungracious +young bastard,—to have the assurance to ridicule his father!—Out +of my house, you 'scape-grace!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Unnatural usage for so trivial an offense!—But +I obey you, sir: I'll remain no longer in the house of a father, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_412" id="Page_412">[Pg 412]</a></span> +is so destitute of a father's feelings; and since I see you value my +happiness so little, sir, I shall not think myself undutiful, if I take +some necessary steps to promote it myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Out of my house, I say!—Promote your own happiness, +forsooth; did you ever know any one to be happy without +money, you fool?—And what will you do, if I don't choose to +give you any, eigh?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> As well as I can:—I have a few of your unnecessary thousands +in my hands, thank fortune;—I'll try if <i>they</i> will not befriend me, if +their avaricious owner, and my unnatural parent will not.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside, and exit.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> My time of life, indeed.—Provoking profligate!—I'll give Miss +Airy all I'm worth, if she'll consent to have him;—the graceless fellow +has us'd me so ill, that he shall be punish'd for it.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>End of the Fourth Act.</i></p> + + + +<h2 class="gap3"><a name="ACT_V" id="ACT_V"></a>ACT V.</h2> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> I. <i>A Street.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>, <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>, and a <span class="smcap">Negro</span> with a trunk +on his head.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Did you hear him say so?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes; he said how he was intend you should have +Miss Mary Airy, or Airy Mary, or some such a name.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Say you so, father?—I believe I shall do myself the +pleasure to baulk you. I want you to go a little way with my +man; but you will be sure to make no mistake.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No, no, never fear me; I an't so apt for to make +blunders as you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Looking at his watch.</i>] 'Sdeath! I should have been +with her half an hour ago.—I know I can depend on you. Here, +Cuffy, go with this gentleman.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, if I <i>am</i> a gentleman, Mr. Cuffy needn't give +himself the trouble;—I can carry it myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cuffy.</span> Tankee, massa buckaraw; you gi me lilly lif, me bery +glad;—disa ting damma heby. [<i>Puts down the trunk.</i>]—An de +debelis crooka tone in a treet more worsa naw pricka pear for +poor son a bitch foot; an de cole pinch um so too!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_413" id="Page_413">[Pg 413]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> No, no, you shall carry it;—your head is harder +than his.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> To be sure, my head <i>is</i> a little soft.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You must let him take it to number two hundred +and twenty-one, Broadway;—will you remember the direction?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, number two hundred and twenty-one, Broadway.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Right;—and enquire for Mr. Frankton, and tell +him who it is from.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, aye, let me alone for that.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit, with <span class="smcap">Negro</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> [<i>manet</i>].</p> + +<p class="befstagedir">I think I am even with the old gentleman now;—but I lament +the necessity of this conduct; and, if a man could eat and digest +matrimony, without a little matter of money, I would forgive +my unreasonable father, with all my heart; and he might eat his +gold himself; though, by the bye, this sum of money, in equity +and good conscience, is mine.—Now he wants to cross my inclination, +by making me the rival of my friend;—what a strange +whim! But if I don't trick him out of his project and his money +too, it shall not be my fault.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> II. <i><span class="smcap">Mr. Friendly's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Harriet</span> [<i>solus</i>].</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding the arrival of Charles, and the happy +result of the interview with my father, my mind is not at +ease;—these strange rumours must have some foundation;—one +says he is married to Maria; another says, he is discovered to be +illegitimate; a third reports, he was found in company with a +woman of ill fame; and to conclude the catalogue of evil tidings, +a fourth says, that old Mr. Loveyet is going to disinherit him, in +consequence of his having made him a grandfather, since his arrival.—But +here he comes.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> She seems very thoughtful;—perhaps, she too has +been unfortunate in her suit to her father;—or, what is far worse, +perhaps,—but I will not cherish such gloomy apprehensions.—Your +servant, madam.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Good day, Mr. Loveyet.—"Your +servant, madam!"—What a stoical salutation! I fear there is too much truth in what I have heard.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_414" id="Page_414">[Pg 414]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You seem unusually serious, Miss Harriet: I +hope Mr. Trueman has not proved relentless as you expected.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> No sir; it gives me pleasure to acquaint you, my +father was all kindness and forgiveness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I wish I could say so of mine;—he indeed was kind +and forgiving too at first; but no sooner had I begun to anticipate +approaching happiness, than one luckless circumstance deprived +me of all that love and hope had inspired.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> An unlucky circumstance, indeed; but would the +disappointment really be so great, if you were obliged to give up +the thought of an alliance with me?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> How, Miss Harriet! Give up the thought of having you!—By +heaven, it must be so!—Yes, the beau would never have presumed to say +so much if it were not so;—and Frankton's ambiguous account of them +both, confirms the suspicion;—and then the extravagant encomiums he +bestowed on her yesterday.—Confusion! my fears were just, though he +ridicul'd me for exposing them.—But she must not see my anxiety.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> If my doubts are well founded, he must be an adept +in the art of dissimulation. I will try him a little farther.—[<i>Aside.</i>] +What think you, Mr. Loveyet, of our New-York +beauties? Have not the superior charms of so many fine women, +been able to overcome such old-fashioned notions as constancy +and priority of affection?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I have beheld their beauty with equal pleasure and +astonishment; and the understanding, the affability, and vivacity, +by which strangers, with so much propriety, characterize my +fair countrywomen, give them a pre-eminence over the ladies of +most other countries, that is highly gratifying to a mind already +so much attached to its native city, by the most endearing of all +human ties;—they are all that the warmest, the most luxuriant +fancy can wish; beautiful—almost beyond the possibility of an +increase of charms; and—I had almost said, they furnish room +for love and warm conceptions, "even to madness!"</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I am in doubt no longer;—such passionate expressions must have +Love for their prompter.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> My friend Frankton extolled them highly; but his +description derogates from their desert;—you, too, he praised;—I +listened to him—with unspeakable delight, and believed him +with all the ardour of faith and expectation; for I could readily believe +that, which I had so often, so sweetly experienced;—but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_415" id="Page_415">[Pg 415]</a></span> +when you last blest my eyes with that enchanting form, how was +the idea exceeded by the reality!—To do justice to <i>such</i> perfection, +the praises I this minute bestowed on the ladies I have seen, +would be spiritless and insufficient!—To charms like Miss Harriet's, +what hermit could remain insensible!—<i>I</i> was not insensible;—the +tender passion, I began so early to entertain; a passion, +which length of absence, and a succession of objects and events, +had rendered too dormant, was then excited to sensations the +most exquisitely sensible;—was then taught to glow with a +flame, too fervent to be now suppressed!</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Were I but sure of his sincerity!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> With what indifference she hears me!—If she is +so insensible to the genuine effusions of a heart like mine, I am +lost indeed! But I will try a little deception to discover the truth. +[<i>Aside.</i>]—What a lovely picture Mr. Frankton drew of Miss +Airy! But it was not too highly finished; for a thousand Loves +and Graces have conspired, to make her the most accomplished +of her sex.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> My pride shall not let him triumph over my chagrin. +[<i>Aside.</i>]—I know Miss Airy to be as accomplished as you +represent her, sir: and Mr. Frankton gave such a lovely description +of her, you say;—I dare say he did;—oh,—yes—yes [<i>Appears +disconcerted, by striving to hide her concern.</i>]—he loves her to +distraction;—Mr. Frankton has doubtless made a wise choice.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By all that's false, she is concerned at Frankton's having +praised his mistress! She absolutely loves him!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> And you have seen the amiable Miss Airy, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Forgive me, honour and veracity. [<i>Aside.</i>]—Yes, +Miss Trueman; and not without a deep sense of her uncommon +worth and beauty.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I admire your discernment, sir;—Mr. Frankton, +too, is a very nice judge of female merit; and he cannot evince his +judgment better, than by praising my friend Maria.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Pardon me, madam: with submission to your +friend's merit, I think his panegyric would better apply to you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> That compliment is too great, to be meant, I fancy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I rather think, you value the author of it so little, +that you would as soon he should withhold it, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Certainly, sir, when I have reason to think there is +another who has a better right to it, and for whom it is secretly +intended.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_416" id="Page_416">[Pg 416]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You wrong me much, madam:—some tattling gossip +or designing knave, has whispered some falsehood to my prejudice;—probably +my <i>rival</i>,—Mr. Worthnought.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> If you have come here with a design to use me ill, +sir, I beg you will tell me so, and then I shall act accordingly.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Your actions accord very illy with your <i>professions</i>, +I think, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> <i>Your</i> duplicity, sir, both in word and action, justifies +my retorting that ungenerous accusation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I entreat you to believe me, Miss Harriet, when I +say, I am unconscious of having done anything I ought to be +ashamed of, since my arrival: I am so confident of this, that the +circulation of a malicious rumour, however dishonourable to me, +would give me little disquiet, did I not reflect, that it is the object +of Harriet's credulity;—a reflection, that is the source of real unhappiness +to me:—be kind then, Harriet, and tell me wherein I +am guilty;—obscurity in a matter so interesting, gives more torture +to the mind, than the most unwelcome truth.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> He must be sincere. [<i>Aside.</i>]—Your request shall +be comply'd with, sir.—The principal offence you are charged +with, is your having been smitten by the lady, on whom you have +bestowed such liberal commendation;—be that as it may, I +heard Mr. Loveyet talk of such a match:—I believe it will require +a more able advocate than yourself, to defend <i>this</i> cause.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Suppose I assure you, on the sacred honour of a gentleman, +that what you have heard is false;—suppose I add the +more important sanction of an oath, to seal the truth.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I will save you that trouble:—you have an advocate +<i>here</i>, which has already gained your cause.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Oh, Harriet, you are too good!—Conscious as I am +of the rectitude of my conduct, as it respects my Harriet;—sure +as I am of not deserving your displeasure, I still feel myself unworthy +of such matchless goodness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You say too much; and compel me to tell you that +you merit my highest esteem.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Esteem! What a cold epithet!—And am not I +entitled to something more than <i>esteem</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Excuse the poverty of the expression; and be assured, +my heart dictated a more exalted word;—let this confession +atone for the fault.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_417" id="Page_417">[Pg 417]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And yet I would fain attract your esteem too; for, +I have heard connoisseurs in the science of Love say, it is possible +to <i>love</i> an object, and that to distraction, without having a particle +of <i>esteem</i> for it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I have assured you that <i>my</i> esteem is at least +equalled by a more passionate affection:—but how strangely you +talk!—First you acknowledge yourself unworthy of my favour;—then +you are alarmed that I should only esteem you; and when I +talk of a passion, superior to mere <i>Platonic</i> love, you are afraid, +on the other hand, it is a blind, enthusiastic impulse, not founded +on <i>esteem</i>.—How inconsistent are lovers!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Your reasoning, like your person, surprises, charms +and subdues:—I will be more consistent;—but our contention is +only for pre-eminence in love;—delightful emulation! Agreeable +inconsistency!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I am now ashamed of my childish suspicions; but I +should not have been so credulous, had it not been for an affection, +which rendered my better judgment blind to the fallacy, and +made me more apprehensive of your inconstancy, than satisfied +of your innocence; and this disposed me to misinterpret every +thing you said.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And your apparent indifference, in consequence +of that misinterpretation, excited similar suspicions in me; and +thus, mutual distrust produced mutual misapprehension.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> But you have not told me the particulars of your +interview with old Mr. Loveyet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Were you to hear those particulars, they would only +afford you pain;—'tis sufficient for me to tell you, he has turned +me out of his house, only because I told him, I was a friend to the +new Constitution, forsooth.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> He is a strange character:—when I call'd on my +father, I was alarmed to find them at high words;—and he +abus'd <i>me</i> most unmercifully.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> He did? 'Tis well for him he has call'd himself my +father;—but if my Harriet consents, I will immediately put myself +in a situation that will justify my preventing his future ill +usage:—Fortune has enabled me to act independent either of his +frown or his favour;—I have taken such measures, in consequence +of his base usage, as will guard us against the effects of the one, +without obliging us to cringe for the other.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_418" id="Page_418">[Pg 418]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> I am happy to hear it; but affluence is not my object, +nor poverty my dread; and I am happy I can convince you +how little I desire an alliance for interest, by now tendering you +the whole of my trifling fortune, in case your father should deprive +you of yours.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Charming Harriet! Miracle of disinterested love! +Thus let me evince my gratitude.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Kneels, and kisses her hand.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Pray do not worship me, Mr. Loveyet; I am less +generous than you imagine;—self-love is at the bottom of this +noble declaration; for if I did not suppose you capable of making +me happier than any other man, I would keep both my fortune +and my person, to myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Better and better!—Your explanation gives me new +reason to adore such uncommon worth, and makes me blest beyond +measure! By heaven, New-York does not contain such a +fortunate fellow!</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> [<i>Seeing <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i>]—Ha, ha. You could not say +more, if you were addressing my friend Maria.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Talk not of your friend Maria,—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> You talked enough of her perfections just now, for +both of us.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> He did, eigh?</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I spoke of her as I thought she deserv'd; she is a +lovely creature, but—but [<i>Sees <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i>]—Frankton!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I hope Miss Trueman will excuse my coming in +so abruptly:—I have been looking for Mr. Loveyet, all over the +city; at last I concluded, I might find him here.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Really sir; and pray, what made you conclude so?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I thought it was within the compass of probability, +madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Perhaps it was the lady you wanted to see so +much, Frankton;—that <i>she</i> might be here, was certainly within +the compass of probability.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Had I then known what I have discovered since, +I should have looked for you at some place not very distant from +the lady, whose perfections you have been contemplating with so +much admiration; for by Miss Harriet's account, you have seen +her, perhaps, more than once.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_419" id="Page_419">[Pg 419]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I saw her yesterday, and was charmed with her beauty.—Whenever +I am betrayed into one falsehood, I am obliged to support it with twenty more.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> It is really so, sir;—he was enraptured with her +idea just now.—I fear your friend is your rival, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And I fear my friend is my rival, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Nay, what cause have you for <i>such</i> a fear?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> About as good as you have, my dear.—I am glad +you came in when you did, Frankton; for you must know, we +have had certain mutual doubts and jealousies; in consequence +of which, a little ill-natured altercation, otherwise called love, +ensued: a small foretaste of conjugal felicity; but the short-liv'd +storm soon subsided, and a reconciliation made all calm again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I have something to say to you in private, Loveyet. +[<i>Aside to <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>.</i>]—I am sorry to deprive you of Mr. +Loveyet's company, madam; but I trust you will excuse me, +when I tell you I have particular business with him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> By all means, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Your most obedient, madam.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Goes up to <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</i>]—Adieu;—expect me soon, +and be assured of my unalterable fidelity.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit with <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> Farewell.—I wish he had look'd for you a little +farther, before he had taken you away.—There are so many captivating +objects in the city (as he has already seen and declared), +and dissipation abounds so much among us, that who knows, if +he is now sincere, how long he will remain so;—and how long +after marriage:—"Ah, there's the rub."—Well, matrimony will +put his constancy to the test, that's one comfort;—it is a hazardous +expedient, but it is a certain one.</p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> III. <i>A Street.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Frankton</span> and <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> He denounces perpetual enmity against me; +threatens me with beggary, and (what is worse) resolves to prevent +my union with Harriet, and thus blast all my hopes; but +I shall take care to disappoint his views;—I have just sent the +most valuable part of my property to—</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Hah! There goes Miss Airy, I believe:—pray excuse +me, Charles; perhaps she has observed me. You have +eased my mind of its doubts, and your resolution has made your +friend happy.—Adieu.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit in haste.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_420" id="Page_420">[Pg 420]</a></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> [<i>manet</i>].</p> + +<p class="befstagedir">A plague take your hurry, I say:—In the very moment of +my telling him about sending the money to his house, he +must conceit he saw Miss Airy;—but he has not received it yet, +or he would have told me.—I hope Humphry has made no mistake;—I +must see about it immediately.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> IV. <i>The Street before <span class="smcap">Maria's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Humphry</span> and <span class="smcap">Negro</span> with a trunk.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> This here is the house, I warrant you;—these +crooked figures is enough for to puzzle a lawyer.—He said number +two hundred and twenty-one:—two two's and a one stands +for that, and there it is. [<i>Knocks,—<span class="smcap">Servant</span> comes out.</i>] Does one +Mr. Frankton live here, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servant.</span> No;—he is here pretty often though, and I expect +he will live here altogether, by and by.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, I suppose he's only a lodger;—yes, this must +be the place.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servant.</span> 'Tis not the place you want, I believe.—Mr. Airy +lives here.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Mr. Airy! Aye, aye, now I've got it.—Here, Mr. +What-d'ye-call'um, will you please to tell Miss Mary, somebody +wants for to speak to her. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</i>] Now I've found out +the mistake;—since I told him how the old man was a going for +to marry him to Miss Mary, he thought he must obey the old fellow, +for fear he shou'dn't let him have any of his money, and she's +got a swinging fortune, they say; so he sent the trunk to her.—But +what shou'd he tell me to take it to Mr. Frankton's for?—Why +I suppose he thought I should find him here, for the man +says he's here very often:—and then the number on the door; +why, that settles the matter at once,—there can't be two numbers +alike, in the same street, sartainly:—Yes, he's made one of +his old blunders.</p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Servant</span> returns.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servant.</span> Please to walk in, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye, aye;—here, master Cuffy, this way.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>They go in.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_421" id="Page_421">[Pg 421]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> V. <i>A Room in <span class="smcap">Maria's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Maria</span> and <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span> discovered sitting.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> It certainly is a mistake, madam; I have sent +nothing out of my house to-day.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> He said it was from Mr. Loveyet, sir.—I confess I +could not conceive what could induce you to send me a trunk of +money.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Who brought it, madam?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> A clownish kind of person, sir,—a countryman, I +believe.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Ah, now I begin to suspect something.—What a sad rascal!—want +to cheat his father! But this lucky mistake will spoil his project.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You are striving to unravel the mystery, sir.—I am +afraid the man has made some serious mistake.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> No matter,—it could not have come to a more +suitable place; for, now it is here, it shall be yours, if you will +consent to a proposal I have to make to you; for I have discovered +it to be my property, after all.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> If I can with propriety consent to anything you may +propose, I will, sir;—but I hope you do not think either your or +your son's <i>money</i> will tempt me.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> No, madam,—that is to say, I dare say it will not tempt you to +do anything that is wrong;—but money is a tempting thing too,—though +not quite so tempting as Miss Maria.—Hem, hem.—There was a delicate +compliment for her!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Mercy on me! What can the ugly old mortal mean! It cannot be +possible he would have the vanity to propose his odious self.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> You must know, madam, my son has lately arrived +from the West-Indies—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Really?—You rejoice me, sir.—Happy, happy Harriet!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Not so happy as you imagine, madam; for she is +not to have my son, I assure you; I intend a lady of greater +beauty and merit for him, who is not very far from me now,—provided +she and her father have no objection.—There I put it +home to her [<i>Aside.</i>]. Ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I fear there is something in this rumour about Harriet.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_422" id="Page_422">[Pg 422]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Come, shall it be so, eigh?—Well, silence gives consent.—I +know you can't have any particular objection. I must +have you for a—Ugh, ugh, uh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I must humour this joke a little. [<i>Aside.</i>]—The honour +you wish to confer on me, is so great, Mr. Loveyet, that I want +words to express a suitable acknowledgment;—but what will the +world say, when a gentleman of Mr. Loveyet's sedateness and +experience stoops to a giddy girl like me?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By my body, she thinks I want to have her myself.—Why, +what a lucky young dog I am! I wish old Trueman was +here now;—'ods my heart, and my life, and my—ugh, ugh,—but +I must talk the matter over coolly with her. Hem, hem. [<i>Aside.</i>]—Oh, +you dear little charming, angelic creature;—I love you so +much, I cou'd find in my heart to—'Zounds! I cou'd eat you up.—By +my body, but you must give me a sweet kiss. [<i>Offers to +kiss her.</i>] 'Sblood! I can't bear it any longer. [<i>Snatches a kiss.</i>]—Ugh, +ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> What a preposterous old dotard! [<i>Aside.</i>]—You +will excuse me, Mr. Loveyet; I have company waiting for me.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By all means, my blossom;—it goes to my very +heart to part with you, though;—but go to your company, my +love, go, go.—I wou'dn't disoblige you, nor put the least thing in +your way, for the seraglio—of the Grand Seignior. You may give +up the trunk to my son now, if he calls for it, my love. [<i>Exit +<span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i>] Oh, what a dear creature! Such sweet lips,—such panting, +precious, plump, little—oh, I cou'd jump out of my skin at +the thoughts of it!—By my body, I must have her, and poor +Charles may have Harriet, for all.—A fig for both the Constitutions +now, I say; I wou'dn't give my dear little Maria for a score +of them.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> VI. <i>A Street.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p>I wish I could find that fellow;—I cannot think he has been +treacherous;—but it is very strange, neither he nor my man have +returned yet:—I am tired of seeking Frankton too;—since he +made free to call at Harriet's for me, I think I will go to Miss +Airy's for him: they say she lives near by. [<i>Enter <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i>]—Well, +sir, what have you done with the trunk?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_423" id="Page_423">[Pg 423]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Why, what you told me, to be sure. I've been a +making your man Cuffy drunk, with some of the money you give +me; but he's 'most sober now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Did you see Mr. Frankton?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> No; but I carried the trunk to his lodgings +though: I was just a going to Mr. Airy's, to see if I cou'dn't find +you there.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Mr. Airy's?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Aye,—where Mr. Frankton lodges; number two +hundred and twenty-one;—there it is before your eyes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> That is number one hundred and twenty-two;—you +did not carry it there, I hope.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes I did.—Why isn't that the place?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Confound your dull brains!—Did you not enquire +who liv'd there?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes, Mr. Airy lives there.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What a strange circumstance!—You are sure Mr. +Airy lives there.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Sure and sartin;—why I see the young lady +you're a going to be married to, and I give her the trunk; for I +think the sarvint said how Mr. Frankton lodg'd there.—I hope +there's no harm done.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I hope so too;—I must step in, and see; but this is +the last time I shall send you with a message.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Goes in.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Like enough, for I'm a going home in the country +to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + +<p class="center gap2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> VII. <i><span class="smcap">Trueman's</span> House.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Trueman</span></i> [<i>reading a letter</i>].</p> + +<p>This is very unaccountable;—Richard Worthnought, eigh:—I +wish, Mr. Worthnought, you had been at my school a while, +before you scrawl'd this wretched epistle:—but the subject is still +more unintelligible.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Mr. Trueman, I am yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I deny it.—Heaven forbid, such a thing as you +should be either mine or my daughter's!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> I should not gain much credit by the alliance, +I believe.—You have received my letter, sir, I presume.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_424" id="Page_424">[Pg 424]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I think you <i>presume</i>—rather more than becomes +you, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> I find, the foolish old Put don't like me. +[<i>Aside.</i>]—I am sorry you do not approve of my offer; but, but—a—rat +me, but I must have her, for all that. Ha, ha, ha;—'foregad, +I must, old gentleman.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> But I say you shall not have her, sir;—there, I +suppose you will have the impudence to call <i>me old</i> gentleman +next.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Demme, sir; what have <i>you</i> to do with his +daughter?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Nothing; but my son has something to do with +her: ha'n't he, friend Horace?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Heyday! what does all this mean?—Has any +State rejected the new Constitution?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Come, let's have no palitics, for gad's sake;—rat +the canstitution:—I wou'dn't give <i>une Fille de joye</i>, for all the +musty canstitutions in christendom.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> By the dignity of my profession, you never read +Publius then; or you would have liked <i>one</i> constitution.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Publius! ha, ha, ha.—I read Publius! Not +I, sir, I assure you:—an <i>outré</i> fellow,—a dull, mysterious, mechanical +writer, as ever I refused to read, split me.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> So he is, so he is, sir: by my body, I am glad to find +<i>somebody</i> of my mind.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i><span class="smcap">Trueman</span> and <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> retire to the back of the stage.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Frankton</span> and <span class="smcap">Humphry</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> You saw him go into Miss Airy's house, this +morning, you say.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> Yes.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Walks thoughtlessly about the stage.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> I think, this is a tolerable confirmation of the matter.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Hah,—Frankton;—'foregad, I am yours, +superlatively.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Are you, positively? Hah,—she is here. [<i>Enter +<span class="smcap">Maria</span>, on the opposite side.</i>] Your humble servant, Miss Airy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> [<i>Pretends to take no notice of <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i>] Mr. Trueman, +I hope I have the pleasure to see you well.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_425" id="Page_425">[Pg 425]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I thank you, madam. [<i>Resumes his discourse with +<span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>, who does not yet observe <span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I hoped to have found Miss Harriet here, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Madam?—</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Turns to <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> again.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Therefore, sir, as I was telling you, I am determined to have +her.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>To <span class="smcap">Trueman</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> [<i>Leaving <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>.</i>] How is this, madam?—Mr. +Loveyet tells me, he is determined to have you.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Who! How!—Have who, sir?</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Loud and earnestly.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> [<i>Seeing <span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i>] By my body, there she is herself.—Have +who, sir?—Why, have this lady, sir; who do you think?—My +sweet Miss Airy, I have the transcendent pleasure to kiss +your hand, ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Oh, fie, Mr. Loveyet.—I will have the pleasure to tease +Frankton, now. [<i>Retires with <span class="smcap">Old Loveyet</span>, whispering, and looking tenderly at him.</i>]</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Amazement!—The <i>old</i> fellow!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> This is all very astanishing, 'foregad:—demme, but she +deserves to die an old maid, if she has <i>him</i>.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> [<i>Pretends to observe <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>, for the first time.</i>]—Mr. +Frankton!—I did not observe you before: I give you joy of your +friend's arrival, sir;—I suppose you have seen him;—he is very +agreeable.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Then I need not ask you, if you have seen him, +madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> He was at my house not two hours ago.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Did not you see him before that, madam?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I did not, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Detested falsehood!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> The old gentleman acquainted me of his arrival, only +a few minutes before.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Eigh, how,—old gentleman!—she did not mean me, I hope.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> And you think Mr. Loveyet is so agreeable then.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Aye, that's me;—by my body, he is +jealous of me. Ha, ha; poor young fool!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> He thinks very highly of <i>you</i>, I assure you, +madam; he speaks of you with admiration.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_426" id="Page_426">[Pg 426]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> And what of that, sir?—You speak as +if you thought him my <i>only</i> admirer.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Affectedly.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Disgusting vanity! [<i>Aside.</i>]—No, madam,—the +number of your admirers is at least equal to that of your acquaintance;—but +there is only one, who sincerely <i>loves</i>, as well as admires +you.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Come, come, sir; none of your airs, sir:—<i>love</i> her +indeed;—why—why, she don't love <i>you</i>.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Ogling and winking at her, &c.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Ha, ha, gudgeons all, demme;—old square toes is cursedly +bit; I see that.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Mr. Loveyet, I return'd the trunk to your son.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> His son.—Ha, ha.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Yes, yes, he told me so just now:—the poor dog +was ready to jump out of his skin, when I told him he should +have Harriet.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Cantwell</span> and <span class="smcap">Herald</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Oh, the devil!—Now shall I be blown up, like a barrel of +gun-powder.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Servant, gentlemen and ladies.—How is your +daughter, Mr. Trueman? I hope she is likely to do well.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I hope she is, madam; it is a match which we all +approve.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> No, no, sir; I mean concerning her late affair.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> Why, young Loveyet certainly would not stoop so +low, as to have her now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> 'Zounds! Why not, pray?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What, in the name of ill luck, can they mean!—I +hope, I—oh, there they come.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Harriet</span> and <span class="smcap">Charles Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Oh, dear, here they are;—why she don't look as if that was +the case.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>To <span class="smcap">Herald</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> I desire, ladies, to know what you mean, by these +mysterious whispers.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> La! sir; you only want to put a body to the +blush; but if you want an explanation, that gentleman [<i>Pointing +to <span class="smcap">Worthnought</span>.</i>] can give it to you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> The villain! [<i>Aside.</i>]—I fancy <i>I</i> could explain it as +well.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_427" id="Page_427">[Pg 427]</a></span></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Hem, hem,—now comes on my trial.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> But first,—your blessing, sir.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Kneels to his father.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Harriet.</span> And yours, sir.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Kneels to <span class="smcap">Trueman</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> What,—married already!</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> This ten minutes, sir.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Rising.</i></p> + +<table style="padding:0em;margin-left:0em;border-collapse:collapse;" summary=""> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Cantwell</span></td> +<td rowspan="3" class="bt br bb"> </td> +<td rowspan="3" style="vertical-align:middle;">Married!</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="center"><span class="smcap">and</span></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Herald</span></td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p class="befstagedir" style="margin-top:0.75em;"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Then my ill-star'd fortune is decided.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Upon my erudition, you have been too precipitate, Harriet; but +I have no reason to think, you will repent it; you, therefore, have my +sincerest benediction.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Raising her.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I give you joy, my dear.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>To <span class="smcap">Harriet</span>.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> Now all my fears have vanished.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside, and goes to <span class="smcap">Young Loveyet</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By my body, you have made quick work of it, +Charles.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> For fear of the worst, I have.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> But—but are you in favour of the new Constitution +yet?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> At present I can think of no Constitution but that +of Love and Matrimony, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> And I shall be sorry if your matrimonial Constitution +does not prove the better one of the two.—Eigh, Maria?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Dick Worthnought, esquire, thou art an ass +and a liar; and, what is worse than both,—as poor as poverty. +Oh, Fortune, thou blind disposer of human events, when wilt +thou make a man of me?</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Going angrily.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Stay a little, if you please, sir.—My happiness is +too great at present, to let me take that revenge, which the baseness +of your conduct deserves: but justice bids me accuse you of +having wickedly, and without cause, endeavoured to injure the +reputation of this lady, whom it is my highest boast and felicity +now to call my wife; my making her such, however, at the very +time when the baneful tongue of Slander is so diligent to damn +her spotless fame,—[<i>Looking significantly at <span class="smcap">Cantwell</span> and +<span class="smcap">Herald</span>.</i>]—will at once convince the public of her innocence, and +the cruelty of her enemies. With her, you have also injured her +connexions; but I, for my own part, am fully satisfied with those +symptoms of shame and repentance, which you now evince.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_428" id="Page_428">[Pg 428]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> Upon my education, I did not think him susceptible +of either.—A few minutes ago, I received this audacious +epistle from him.</p> + +<p>"Sir, I have the honour to—acquaint you—that I have an inclination—to +marry your daughter,—notwithstanding—the late +scandalous—reports that are transpiring to her disadvantage, and +(what is still worse) the—comparative meanness—of her fortune +to mine."—The comparative meanness of her fortune to mine.</p> + +<table style="padding:0em;margin-left:0em;border-collapse:collapse;" summary=""> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Harriet</span>,</td> +<td rowspan="5" class="bt br bb"> </td> +<td rowspan="5" style="vertical-align:middle;">Ha, ha, ha.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Maria</span>,</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Loveyet</span>,</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Charles</span>,</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><span class="smcap">Frankton</span>,</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p class="befstagedir" style="margin-top:0.75em;"><span class="smcap">Worthnought.</span> Never was put so much to my trumps, 'foregad.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Herald.</span> Unmannerly wretches!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Scornfully, and exit.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Cantwell.</span> Oh, the wickedness of this wicked world!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit after her.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Why, this is just as it should be now;—I think +business goes on finely.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You will not think so, much longer.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> By my body, I am as merry as a cricket;—an't you, +Maria? For my part, I feel so well pleased, I could find in my +heart to—to do as you have done;—[<i>To <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.</i>] cou'dn't you, +my love?</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>To <span class="smcap">Maria</span>.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Oh, you dear little rogue! With whom, eigh, with whom?—Don't +be bashful,—tell them.—I know she means me.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> I beg to be excused from telling that, sir; but I will +tell you who it is I would <i>not</i> have.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Aye, that's him.—[<i>Aside, looking at <span class="smcap">Frankton</span>.</i>]—Well, +who is it you won't have, Maria, who is it?</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You, sir.</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Emphatically.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Me, eigh?—me—me, Maria?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Preposterous infatuation!</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> D——'d, wanton, treacherous jilt!</p> +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Walks about discomposed.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> You have jilted yourself, sir;—nothing but excess of +dotage and self-conceit could have let you impose on yourself in +such a manner.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_429" id="Page_429">[Pg 429]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Frankton.</span> And may I then hope—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maria.</span> Hope?—Oh, yes, sir;—you have my permission to +<i>hope</i> for anything you please.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> And you, madam, the disposition to gratify his +hopes, I fancy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> I fancy you lie, sir; and you sha'n't have Harriet, +for your impertinence.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Excuse me, father;—it is not in your power to prevent +that;—the happy deed is already executed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> 'Zounds! that's true!—and, what is still worse, the +other deed is executed too.—Fire and fury! All is lost, for the +sake of that inveigling, perfidious young Syren. Ugh, ugh, ugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trueman.</span> [<i>Burlesquing what <span class="smcap">Loveyet</span> has said in a former +scene.</i>] "'Sdeath, sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: +she sha'n't be more than thirty odd, sir; and she shall be ten +years younger than I am too.—A man of five and forty, old, forsooth!" +Ha, ha, ha.</p> + +<p class="befstagedir"><span class="smcap">Loveyet.</span> Perdition! Is this what I have come to at +last?—Despis'd,—betray'd,—laugh'd at,—supplanted by a +puppy,—[<i>Pointing to <span class="smcap">Frankton</span></i>]—trick'd out of my money by a graceless, +aristocratic son,—I—I'll—I'll go hang myself.</p> + +<p class="stagedir">[<i>Exit in a passion.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphry.</span> This is, for all the world, like the show I see t'other +night, at the Play-house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> His agitation of mind distresses me: my happiness +is not complete, while it is enjoyed at the expense of a +father's:—painful reflection!—We will go immediately, Harriet, and endeavour +to pacify him.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>His conduct shall instruct the hoary Sage,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>That youth and beauty were not meant for age;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>His rage, resentment, av'rice, dotage, pride,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>(Sad view of human nature's frailest side!)</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Shall mend us all;—but chiefly I shall prove,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>That all his Politics, can never match my <span class="smcap">Love</span>.</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="center"><i>The End.</i></p> + +<div class="bbox gap3"> +<h2>TRANSCRIBERS' NOTES:</h2> + +<p class="hangindent">General: Variable hyphenation of mack(-)marony and to(-)day as in original.</p> +<p class="hangindent">Page 353: Politican corrected to Politician.</p> +<p class="hangindent">Footnote 2: Geneological as in original text (twice).</p> + +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Politician Out-Witted, by Samuel Low + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POLITICIAN OUT-WITTED *** + +***** This file should be named 29227-h.htm or 29227-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/2/2/29227/ + +Produced by David Starner, Brownfox and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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