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diff --git a/29228.txt b/29228.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..51e71be --- /dev/null +++ b/29228.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3363 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Contrast, by Royall Tyler + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Contrast + +Author: Royall Tyler + +Editor: Montrose J. Moses + +Release Date: June 26, 2009 [EBook #29228] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONTRAST *** + + + + +Produced by David Starner, Brownfox and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +TRANSCRIBERS' NOTES + +This e-book contains the text of _The Contrast_, extracted from +Representative Plays by American Dramatists: Vol 1, 1765-1819. Comments +and background to all the plays and the other plays are available at +Project Gutenberg. + +Spelling as in the original has been preserved. + + + + +THE CONTRAST + +_By_ + +ROYALL TYLER + +[Illustration: ROYALL TYLER] + + + + +ROYALL TYLER + +(1757-1826) + + +William Dunlap is considered the father of the American Theatre, and +anyone who reads his history of the American Theatre will see how firmly +founded are his claims to this title. But the first American play to be +written by a native, and to gain the distinction of anything like a +"run" is "The Contrast,"[1] by Royall Tyler. Unfortunately for us, the +three hundred page manuscript of Tyler's "Life," which is in possession +of one of his descendants, has never been published. Were that document +available, it would throw much valuable light on the social history of +New England. For Tyler was deep-dyed in New England traditions, and, +strange to say, his playwriting began as a reaction against a +Puritanical attitude toward the theatre. + +When Tyler came to New York on a very momentous occasion, as an official +in the suppression of Shays's Rebellion, he had little thought of ever +putting his pen to paper as a playwright, although he was noted from +earliest days as a man of literary ambition, his tongue being sharp in +its wit, and his disposition being brilliant in the parlour. It was +while in what was even then considered to be the very gay and wicked +city of New York, that Royall Tyler went to the theatre for the first +time, and, on that auspicious occasion, witnessed Sheridan's "The School +for Scandal." We can imagine what the brilliancy of that moment must +have been to the parched New England soul of our first American +dramatist. + +Two days afterwards, inspiration began to burn, and he dashed off, in a +period of a few weeks, the comedy called "The Contrast," not so great a +"contrast," however, that the literary student would fail to recognize +"The School for Scandal" as its chief inspiration. + +Our young dramatist, whose original name, William Clark Tyler, was +changed, by act of Court, to Royall, was born in Boston on July 18, +1757, near the historic ground of Faneuil Hall. His father was one of +the King's Councillors, and figured in the Stamp Act controversy. From +him, young Tyler inherited much of his ability. The family was wealthy +and influential. Naturally, the father being a graduate of Harvard, his +son likewise went to that institution. His early boyhood, when he was at +the grammar school, was passed amidst the tumult of the Stamp Act, and +the quartering of troops in Boston. When he entered Harvard as a +freshman, on July 15, 1772, three days before he was fifteen years old, +he was thoroughly accustomed to the strenuous atmosphere of the coming +Revolution. + +There were many students in his class, who afterwards won distinction as +chief justices, governors and United States senators, but at that time +none of them were so sedate as to ignore the usual pranks of the college +boy. Tyler's temperament is well exhibited by the fact that he was one +of the foremost instigators in a fishing party from his room window, +when the students hooked the wig of the reverend president from his head +one morning as that potentate was going to chapel. + +Tyler graduated with a B.A. degree from Harvard in July, 1776, the +Valedictorian of his class; and was similarly honoured with a B.A. by +Yale (1776). Three years after, he received an M.A. from Harvard and, in +later life (1811), from the University of Vermont. He read law for three +years with the Hon. Francis Dana, of Cambridge, and the Hon. Benjamin +Hichbourne, of Boston, during that time being a member of a club which +used to meet at the rooms of Colonel John Trumbull, well known to all +students as a soldier and painter. Unfortunate for us that the life-size +canvas of Royall Tyler, painted by Trumbull, was destroyed by fire. We +are assured by Trumbull, in his "Reminiscences," that during those long +evenings, they "regaled themselves with a cup of tea instead of wine, +and discussed subjects of literature, politics and war." In 1778, Tyler +found himself by the side of Trumbull, fighting against the British and +serving a short while under General Sullivan. + +In 1779, he was admitted to the bar, and there followed a long +succession of activities, in which he moved from place to place, finally +associating himself definitely with the early history of Vermont, and +Brattleboro in particular. + +There is much interesting data in existence relating to Royall Tyler's +literary activities, as a writer of witty articles, sprightly verse and +autobiographical experiences--in a style which, while lacking in +distinction, is none the less a measure of the sprightliness of the +author's disposition. It is not my purpose to enter into a discussion of +anything but Royall Tyler as the author of "The Contrast." He wrote +several other plays besides,[2] one dealing with the wild-cat land +speculation in Georgia. But the play under discussion is fully +representative of his dramatic ability, an ability which would scarcely +be worthy of too much commendation were it not for the fact that Tyler +may be regarded as the creator of the Yankee type in American drama. + +In 1787, Shays's Rebellion brought Tyler once more under the command of +Major-General Benjamin Lincoln, with whom he had served in the +Revolutionary War. As an aide, he was required to go into the State of +New York, and arrange for the pursuit and capture of Shays. It was, as I +have said, while on this mission in New York City that he went to the +theatre for the first time. He witnessed Sheridan's "The School for +Scandal," and in the audience on the occasion there very probably sat +George Washington. The latter was a constant frequenter of the little +John Street Theatre, where Wignell was the chief comedian. Apart from +_Jonathan's_ description of this "Colonial" Playhouse, as it looked +after the Revolution, we have Seilhamer's impression (i, 212), as +follows: + + "... the theatre in John Street ... for a quarter of a century + was to New York what the Southwark Theatre was to Philadelphia. + Both houses were alike in appearance, but the New York Theatre + stood back about sixty feet from the street, with a covered way + of rough wooden materials from the sidewalk to the doors. It was + principally of wood and was painted red. It had two rows of + boxes, and a pit and gallery, the capacity of the house when + full being about eight hundred dollars. The stage was + sufficiently large for all the requirements of that theatrical + era, and the dressing-rooms and green room were in a shed + adjacent to the theatre." + +This was, it seems, the first time Tyler had ever left New England. His +manuscript was finished in three weeks, and shortly after handed over +to the American Company for production. So loath was he to have his name +connected with it, that, when he gave the manuscript to Wignell, he +consigned also to that actor the copyright, with the instruction that, +when the play was published, on the title-page, the piece should be +credited to the authorship of "a citizen of the United States." Of all +the productions which came from his pen, the very prosaic and doubtfully +authoritative Vermont Law Reports is the only publication bearing his +name on the title-page. + +"The Contrast" was produced on April 16, 1787, at the John Street +Theatre, in New York, by the American Company, the original cast +including Mr. Henry and Mr. Hallam as the rival lovers, and Mr. Wignell +in the part of _Jonathan_, the first stage Yankee. Anyone who has read +the play will quite understand why it is that the honours so easily fell +to Mr. Wignell rather than to Mr. Henry or to Mr. Hallam, and it is no +surprise, therefore, to find, after the initial performance, that +jealousy began to manifest itself between these three gentlemen,--so +much so, indeed, that, when the time arrived for the Company to go to +Philadelphia, in December, 1787, Mr. Wignell was unable to present "The +Contrast" in the theatre, and had to content himself with a reading, +because it was "impracticable at this time to entertain the public with +a dramatic representation." The Notice continued: Mr. Wignell, "in +compliance with the wishes of many respectable citizens of Philadelphia, +proposes to read that celebrated performance at the City Tavern on +Monday evening, the 10th inst. The curiosity which has everywhere been +expressed respecting this first dramatic production of American genius, +and the pleasure which it has already afforded in the theatres of New +York and Maryland, persuade Mr. Wignell that his excuses on this +occasion will be acceptable to the public and that even in so imperfect +a dress, the intrinsic merit of the comedy will contribute to the +amusement and command the approbation of the audience." Of Wignell and +his associates, an excellent impression may be had from a first hand +description by W. B. Wood, in his "Personal Recollections." + +Whether the intrinsic merits of the play would contribute to the +amusement of audiences to-day is to be doubted, although it is a +striking dramatic curio. The play in the reading is scarcely exciting. +It is surprisingly devoid of situation. Its chief characteristic is +"talk," but that talk, reflective in its spirit of "The School for +Scandal," is interesting to the social student. When the ladies discuss +the manners of the times and the fashions of the day, they discuss them +in terms of the Battery, in New York, but in the spirit of London. The +only native product, as I have said, is _Jonathan_, and his surprise +over the play-house, into which he is inveigled, measures the surprise +which must have overwhelmed the staid New England conscience of Royall +Tyler, when he found himself actually in that den of iniquity,--the +theatre. For the first time in the American Drama, we get New England +dialogue and some attempt at American characterization. Wignell, being +himself a character actor of much ability, and the son of a player who +had been a member of Garrick's Company in London, it is small wonder +that he should have painted the stage Yankee in an agreeable and +entertaining and novel manner. + +But, undoubtedly, the only interest that could attach itself to this +comedy for the theatre-going audience of to-day would be in its +presentment according to the customs and manners of the time. In fact, +one would be very much entertained were it possible to make _Letitia_ +and _Charlotte_ discuss their social schemes and ambitions in a parlour +which reflected the atmosphere of New York in 1787. As a matter of fact, +however, the audience that crowded into the little John Street Theatre, +on the opening night of "The Contrast," was treated to an interior room, +which was more closely akin to a London drawing-room than to a parlour +in Manhattan. According to the very badly drawn frontispiece, which +Wignell used in the printed edition of the play, and which William +Dunlap executed, we see a very poor imitation of the customs, costumes, +and situations which Tyler intended to suggest. + +Indeed, we wonder whether Dunlap, when he drew this picture, did not +have a little malice in his heart; for there is no doubt that he showed +jealousy over the success of "The Contrast," when, after a three years' +stay in London, under the tutelage of Benjamin West, he returned to +America to find "The Contrast" the talk of the town. Both he and +Seilhamer who, however prejudiced they may be in some of their judgments +and in some of their dates, are nevertheless the authorities for the +early history of the American Theatre, try their best to take away from +the credit due Tyler as an American dramatist. They both contend that +"The Contrast," though it was repeated several times in succession--and +this repetition of a native drama before audiences more accustomed to +the English product must have been a sign of its acceptance,--was +scarcely what they would consider a success. As evidence, Seilhamer +claims that, just as soon as Royall Tyler handed over the copyright of +his play to Wignell, the latter advertised the printed edition whenever +the subscribers' list was sufficiently large to warrant the publication. +It was not, however, until several years after this advertisement, that +the play was actually published, the subscribers being headed by the +name of President George Washington, and including many of Washington's +first cabinet, four signers of the Declaration of Independence, and +several Revolutionary soldiers. According to Seilhamer, the American +dramatists of those days were very eager to follow the work of their +contemporary craftsmen, and, in the list of subscribers, we find the +names of Dunlap, Peter Markoe, who wrote "The Patriot Chief" (1783), +Samuel Low, author of "The Politician Out-witted" (1789), and Colonel +David Humphreys, who translated from the French "The Widow of Malabar; +or, The Tyranny of Custom" (1790). + +We are told by some authorities that Royall Tyler was on friendly terms +with the actors of this period, a fact accentuated all the more because +his brother, Col. John S. Tyler, had become manager of the Boston +Theatre. In many ways he was a great innovator, if, on one hand, he +broke through the New England prejudices against the theatre, and if, on +the other hand, during his long career as lawyer and as judge of the +Supreme Court of Vermont, he broke through the traditional manner of +conducting trials, as is evidenced by many human, amusing anecdotes, +illustrative of his wit and quick repartee. He was married to Mary +Palmer, in 1794, and brought up a family of eleven children, a number of +whom won distinction in the ministry, but none of whom followed their +father's taste for playwriting. He mingled with the most intellectual +society of the time, being on intimate terms with the Adams family, the +Quincys and Cranchs, and identifying himself very closely with the +literary history of the country. + +In a record of New England periodicals, his name will figure constantly +as contributing editor. We have letters of his, descriptive of his home +life in Brattleboro, Vermont, filled with a kindly benevolence and with +a keen sense of humour. It was there that he died on August 16, 1826. +But, all told, we fear that even though Royall Tyler has the +distinction of being one of the first American dramatists, he came into +the theatre purely by accident. "The Contrast" is not, strictly +speaking, a very dramatic representation. + +When, in June, 1912, Brattleboro celebrated its local history with a +pageant, a production of "The Contrast" was rehearsed and given in a +little hall, fitted up to represent the old John Street Theatre. A scene +from the play was given at an American Drama Matinee, produced by the +American Drama Committee of the Drama League of America, New York +Centre, on January 22 and 23, 1917,--the conversation between _Jonathan_ +and _Jenny_. In Philadelphia, under the auspices of the Drama League +Centre, and in cooeperation with the University of Pennsylvania, the +play, in its entirety, was presented on January 18, 1917, by the "Plays +and Players" organization. A revival was also given in Boston, produced +in the old manner, "and the first rows of seats were reserved for those +of the audience who appeared in the costume of the time." + +The play in its first edition is rare, but, in 1887, it was reprinted by +the Dunlap Society. The general reader is given an opportunity of +judging how far _Jonathan_ is the typical Yankee, and how far Royall +Tyler cut the pattern which later was followed by other playwrights in a +long series of American dramas, in which the Yankee was the chief +attraction.[3] + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] The/Contrast,/a/Comedy;/In Five Acts:/Written By a/Citizen of the +United States;/Performed with Applause at the Theatres in +New-York,/Philadelphia, and Maryland;/and published (under an Assignment +of the Copy-Right) by/Thomas Wignell./_Primus ego in patriam/ +Aonio--deduxi vertice Musas_./Virgil./(Imitated.)/ First on our shores I +try Thalia's powers,/And bid the _laughing, useful_ Maid be +ours./Philadelphia:/From the Press of Prichard & Hall, in Market +Street:/Between Second and Front Streets./M. DCC. XC. [See +Frontispiece.] + +[2] For example, "The Duelists," a Farce in three acts; "The Georgia +Spec; or, Land in the Moon" (1797); "The Doctor in Spite of Himself," an +imitation of Moliere; and "Baritaria; or, The Governor of a Day," being +adventures of Sancho Panza. He also wrote a libretto, "May-day in Town; +or, New York in an Uproar." (See Sonneck: "Early Opera in America.") + +[3] The song which occurs in the play under the title, "Alknomook," had +great popularity in the eighteenth century. Its authorship was +attributed to Philip Freneau, in whose collected poems it does not +appear. It is also credited to a Mrs. Hunter, and is contained in her +volume of verse, published in 1806. It appears likewise in a Dublin play +of 1740, "New Spain; or, Love in Mexico." See also, the _American +Museum_, vol. I, page 77. The singing of "Yankee Doodle" is likewise to +be noted (See Sonneck's interesting essay on the origin of "Yankee +Doodle," General Bibliography), not the first time it appears in early +American Drama, as readers of Barton's "Disappointment" (1767) will +recognize. + + + + +[Illustration: AS A JUST ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF THE LIBERAL EXERTIONS BY +WHICH THE _STAGE_ HAS BEEN RESCUED FROM AN IGNOMINIOUS PROSCRIPTION, + + +THE CONTRAST, + + +(BEING THE FIRST ESSAY OF _AMERICAN_ GENIUS IN THE DRAMATIC ART) + + +IS MOST RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED + +TO + +THE PRESIDENT AND MEMBERS OF THE + +Dramatic Association, + + +BY + +THEIR MOST OBLIGED + +AND + +MOST GRATEFUL SERVANT, + +_THOMAS WIGNELL._ + + +PHILADELPHIA, } +1 January, 1790. } + +DEDICATION PAGE IN THE FIRST EDITION OF "THE CONTRAST"] + + + + +ADVERTISEMENT + + +The Subscribers (to whom the Editor thankfully professes his +obligations) may reasonably expect an apology for the delay which has +attended the appearance of "The Contrast;" but, as the true cause cannot +be declared without leading to a discussion, which the Editor wishes to +avoid, he hopes that the care and expence which have been bestowed upon +this work will be accepted, without further scrutiny, as an atonement +for his seeming negligence. + +In justice to the Author, however, it may be proper to observe that this +Comedy has many claims to the public indulgence, independent of its +intrinsic merits: It is the first essay of American genius in a +difficult species of composition; it was written by one who never +critically studied the rules of the drama, and, indeed, had seen but few +of the exhibitions of the stage; it was undertaken and finished in the +course of three weeks; and the profits of one night's performance were +appropriated to the benefit of the sufferers by the fire at _Boston_. + +These considerations will, therefore, it is hoped, supply in the closet +the advantages that are derived from representation, and dispose the +reader to join in the applause which has been bestowed on this Comedy by +numerous and judicious audiences, in the Theatres of _Philadelphia_, +_New-York_, and _Maryland_. + + + + +PROLOGUE + +_Written by a young gentleman of New-York, and spoken by Mr. Wignell._ + + + Exult, each patriot heart!--this night is shewn + A piece, which we may fairly call our own; + Where the proud titles of "My Lord! Your Grace!" + To humble _Mr._ and plain _Sir_ give place. + Our Author pictures not from foreign climes + The fashions or the follies of the times; + But has confin'd the subject of his work + To the gay scenes--the circles of New-York. + On native themes his Muse displays her pow'rs; + If ours the faults, the virtues too are ours. + Why should our thoughts to distant countries roam, + When each refinement may be found at home? + Who travels now to ape the rich or great, + To deck an equipage and roll in state; + To court the graces, or to dance with ease, + Or by hypocrisy to strive to please? + Our free-born ancestors such arts despis'd; + Genuine sincerity alone they priz'd; + Their minds, with honest emulation fir'd, + To solid good--not ornament--aspir'd; + Or, if ambition rous'd a bolder flame, + Stern virtue throve, where indolence was shame. + + But modern youths, with imitative sense, + Deem taste in dress the proof of excellence; + And spurn the meanness of your homespun arts, + Since homespun habits would obscure their parts; + Whilst all, which aims at splendour and parade, + Must come from Europe, _and be ready made_. + Strange! we should thus our native worth disclaim, + And check the progress of our rising fame. + Yet _one_, whilst imitation bears the sway, + Aspires to nobler heights, and points the way. + Be rous'd, my friends! his bold example view; + Let your own Bards be proud to copy _you_! + Should rigid critics reprobate our play, + At least the patriotic heart will say, + "Glorious our fall, since in a noble cause. + The bold _attempt alone_ demands applause." + Still may the wisdom of the Comic Muse + Exalt your merits, or your faults accuse. + But think not, 'tis her aim to be severe;-- + We all are mortals, and as mortals err. + If candour pleases, we are truly blest; + Vice trembles, when compell'd to stand confess'd. + Let not light Censure on your faults offend, + Which aims not to expose them, but amend. + Thus does our Author to your candour trust; + Conscious, the _free_ are generous, as just. + + + + +CHARACTERS + + + _New-York._ _Maryland._ + +COL. MANLY, Mr. Henry. Mr. Hallam. +DIMPLE, Mr. Hallam. Mr. Harper. +VAN ROUGH, Mr. Morris. Mr. Morris. +JESSAMY, Mr. Harper. Mr. Biddle. +JONATHAN, Mr. Wignell. Mr. Wignell. + +CHARLOTTE, Mrs. Morris. Mrs. Morris. +MARIA, Mrs. Harper. Mrs. Harper. +LETITIA, Mrs. Kenna. Mrs. Williamson. +JENNY, Miss Tuke. Miss W. Tuke. + + SERVANTS. + + SCENE, New-York. + +N.B. The lines marked with inverted commas, "thus", are omitted in the +representation. + + + + +THE CONTRAST + +ACT I. + + +SCENE I. _An Apartment at CHARLOTTE'S._ + +_CHARLOTTE and LETITIA discovered._ + +LETITIA. And so, Charlotte, you really think the pocket-hoop unbecoming. + +CHARLOTTE. No, I don't say so: It may be very becoming to saunter round +the house of a rainy day; to visit my grand-mamma, or to go to Quakers' +meeting: but to swim in a minuet, with the eyes of fifty well-dressed +beaux upon me, to trip it in the Mall, or walk on the Battery give me +the luxurious, jaunty, flowing bell-hoop. It would have delighted you to +have seen me the last evening, my charming girl! I was dangling o'er the +battery with Billy Dimple; a knot of young fellows were upon the +platform; as I passed them I faltered with one of the most bewitching +false steps you ever saw, and then recovered myself with such a pretty +confusion, flirting my hoop to discover a jet black shoe and brilliant +buckle. Gad! how my little heart thrilled to hear the confused raptures +of--"_Demme, Jack, what a delicate foot!_" "_Ha! General, what a +well-turned--_" + +LETITIA. Fie! fie! Charlotte [_Stopping her mouth._]. I protest you are +quite a libertine. + +CHARLOTTE. Why, my dear little prude, are we not all such libertines? Do +you think, when I sat tortured two hours under the hands of my friseur, +and an hour more at my toilet, that I had any thoughts of my aunt Susan, +or my cousin Betsey? though they are both allowed to be critical judges +of dress. + +LETITIA. Why, who should we dress to please, but those who are judges of +its merits? + +CHARLOTTE. Why, a creature who does not know _Buffon_ from +_Soufle_--Man!--my Letitia--Man! for whom we dress, walk, dance, talk, +lisp, languish, and smile. Does not the grave Spectator assure us that +even our much bepraised diffidence, modesty, and blushes are all +directed to make ourselves good wives and mothers as fast as we can? +Why, I'll undertake with one flirt of this hoop to bring more beaux to +my feet in one week than the grave Maria, and her sentimental circle, +can do, by sighing sentiment till their hairs are grey. + +LETITIA. Well, I won't argue with you; you always out-talk me; let us +change the subject. I hear that Mr. Dimple and Maria are soon to be +married. + +CHARLOTTE. You hear true. I was consulted in the choice of the wedding +clothes. She is to be married in a delicate white satin, and has a +monstrous pretty brocaded lutestring for the second day. It would have +done you good to have seen with what an affected indifference the dear +sentimentalist [turned over a thousand pretty things, just as if her +heart did not palpitate with her approaching happiness, and at last made +her choice and][4] arranged her dress with such apathy as if she did not +know that plain white satin and a simple blond lace would shew her clear +skin and dark hair to the greatest advantage. + +LETITIA. But they say her indifference to dress, and even to the +gentleman himself, is not entirely affected. + +CHARLOTTE. How? + +LETITIA. It is whispered that if Maria gives her hand to Mr. Dimple, it +will be without her heart. + +CHARLOTTE. Though the giving the heart is one of the last of all +laughable considerations in the marriage of a girl of spirit, yet I +should like to hear what antiquated notions the dear little piece of +old-fashioned prudery has got in her head. + +LETITIA. Why, you know that old Mr. John-Richard-Robert-Jacob-Isaac- +Abraham-Cornelius Van Dumpling, Billy Dimple's father (for he has +thought fit to soften his name, as well as manners, during his English +tour) was the most intimate friend of Maria's father. The old folks, +about a year before Mr. Van Dumpling's death, proposed this match: the +young folks were accordingly introduced, and told they must love one +another. Billy was then a good-natured, decent-dressing young fellow, +with a little dash of the coxcomb, such as our young fellows of fortune +usually have. At this time, I really believe she thought she loved him; +and had they then been married, I doubt not they might have jogged on, +to the end of the chapter, a good kind of a sing-song, lack-a-daysaical +life, as other honest married folks do. + +CHARLOTTE. Why did they not then marry? + +LETITIA. Upon the death of his father, Billy went to England to see the +world and rub off a little of the patroon rust. During his absence, +Maria, like a good girl, to keep herself constant to her _nown +true-love_, avoided company, and betook herself, for her amusement, to +her books, and her dear Billy's letters. But, alas! how many ways has +the mischievous demon of inconstancy of stealing into a woman's heart! +Her love was destroyed by the very means she took to support it. + +CHARLOTTE. How?--Oh! I have it--some likely young beau found the way to +her study. + +LETITIA. Be patient, Charlotte; your head so runs upon beaux. Why, she +read _Sir Charles Grandison_, _Clarissa Harlow_, _Shenstone_, and the +_Sentimental Journey_; and between whiles, as I said, Billy's letters. +But, as her taste improved, her love declined. The contrast was so +striking betwixt the good sense of her books and the flimsiness of her +love-letters, that she discovered she had unthinkingly engaged her hand +without her heart; and then the whole transaction, managed by the old +folks, now appeared so unsentimental, and looked so like bargaining for +a bale of goods, that she found she ought to have rejected, according to +every rule of romance, even the man of her choice, if imposed upon her +in that manner. Clary Harlow would have scorned such a match. + +CHARLOTTE. Well, how was it on Mr. Dimple's return? Did he meet a more +favourable reception than his letters? + +LETITIA. Much the same. She spoke of him with respect abroad, and with +contempt in her closet. She watched his conduct and conversation, and +found that he had by travelling acquired the wickedness of Lovelace +without his wit, and the politeness of Sir Charles Grandison without his +generosity. The ruddy youth, who washed his face at the cistern every +morning, and swore and looked eternal love and constancy, was now +metamorphosed into a flippant, palid, polite beau, who devotes the +morning to his toilet, reads a few pages of Chesterfield's letters, and +then minces out, to put the infamous principles in practice upon every +woman he meets. + +CHARLOTTE. But, if she is so apt at conjuring up these sentimental +bugbears, why does she not discard him at once? + +LETITIA. Why, she thinks her word too sacred to be trifled with. +Besides, her father, who has a great respect for the memory of his +deceased friend, is ever telling her how he shall renew his years in +their union, and repeating the dying injunctions of old Van Dumpling. + +CHARLOTTE. A mighty pretty story! And so you would make me believe that +the sensible Maria would give up Dumpling Manor, and the +all-accomplished Dimple as a husband, for the absurd, ridiculous reason, +forsooth, because she despises and abhors him. Just as if a lady could +not be privileged to spend a man's fortune, ride in his carriage, be +called after his name, and call him her _nown dear lovee_ when she wants +money, without loving and respecting the great he-creature. Oh! my dear +girl, you are a monstrous prude. + +LETITIA. I don't say what I would do; I only intimate how I suppose she +wishes to act. + +CHARLOTTE. No, no, no! A fig for sentiment. If she breaks, or wishes to +break, with Mr. Dimple, depend upon it, she has some other man in her +eye. A woman rarely discards one lover until she is sure of another. +Letitia little thinks what a clue I have to Dimple's conduct. The +generous man submits to render himself disgusting to Maria, in order +that she may leave him at liberty to address me. I must change the +subject. [_Aside, and rings a bell._ + +_Enter SERVANT._ + +Frank, order the horses to.----Talking of marriage, did you hear that +Sally Bloomsbury is going to be married next week to Mr. Indigo, the +rich Carolinian? + +LETITIA. Sally Bloomsbury married!--why, she is not yet in her teens. + +CHARLOTTE. I do not know how that is, but you may depend upon it, 'tis a +done affair. I have it from the best authority. There is my aunt +Wyerly's Hannah (you know Hannah; though a black, she is a wench that +was never caught in a lie in her life); now, Hannah has a brother who +courts Sarah, Mrs. Catgut the milliner's girl, and she told Hannah's +brother, and Hannah, who, as I said before, is a girl of undoubted +veracity, told it directly to me, that Mrs. Catgut was making a new cap +for Miss Bloomsbury, which, as it was very dressy, it is very probable +is designed for a wedding cap. Now, as she is to be married, who can it +be to, but to Mr. Indigo? Why, there is no other gentleman that visits +at her papa's. + +LETITIA. Say not a word more, Charlotte. Your intelligence is so direct +and well grounded, it is almost a pity that it is not a piece of +scandal. + +CHARLOTTE. Oh! I am the pink of prudence. Though I cannot charge myself +with ever having discredited a tea-party by my silence, yet I take care +never to report any thing of my acquaintance, especially if it is to +their credit,--_discredit_, I mean,--until I have searched to the bottom +of it. It is true, there is infinite pleasure in this charitable +pursuit. Oh! how delicious to go and condole with the friends of some +backsliding sister, or to retire with some old dowager or maiden aunt of +the family, who love scandal so well that they cannot forbear gratifying +their appetite at the expence of the reputation of their nearest +relations! And then to return full fraught with a rich collection of +circumstances, to retail to the next circle of our acquaintance under +the strongest injunctions of secrecy,--ha, ha, ha!--interlarding the +melancholy tale with so many doleful shakes of the head, and more +doleful "Ah! who would have thought it! so amiable, so prudent a young +lady, as we all thought her, what a monstrous pity! well, I have nothing +to charge myself with; I acted the part of a friend, I warned her of the +principles of that rake, I told her what would be the consequence; I +told her so, I told her so."--Ha, ha, ha! + +LETITIA. Ha, ha, ha! Well, but, Charlotte, you don't tell me what you +think of Miss Bloomsbury's match. + +CHARLOTTE. Think! why I think it is probable she cried for a plaything, +and they have given her a husband. Well, well, well, the puling chit +shall not be deprived of her plaything: 'tis only exchanging London +dolls for American babies.--Apropos, of babies, have you heard what Mrs. +Affable's high-flying notions of delicacy have come to? + +LETITIA. Who, she that was Miss Lovely? + +CHARLOTTE. The same; she married Bob Affable of Schenectady. Don't you +remember? + +_Enter SERVANT._ + +SERVANT. Madam, the carriage is ready. + +LETITIA. Shall we go to the stores first, or visiting? + +CHARLOTTE. I should think it rather too early to visit, especially Mrs. +Prim; you know she is so particular. + +LETITIA. Well, but what of Mrs. Affable? + +CHARLOTTE. Oh, I'll tell you as we go; come, come, let us hasten. I hear +Mrs. Catgut has some of the prettiest caps arrived you ever saw. I shall +die if I have not the first sight of them. + + [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. _A Room in VAN ROUGH'S House._ + +MARIA [_sitting disconsolate at a table, with books, &c._]. + +SONG.[5] + + I. + + The sun sets in night, and the stars shun the day; + But glory remains when their lights fade away! + Begin, ye tormentors! your threats are in vain, + For the son of Alknomook shall never complain. + + II. + + Remember the arrows he shot from his bow; + Remember your chiefs by his hatchet laid low: + Why so slow?--do you wait till I shrink from the pain? + No--the son of Alknomook will never complain. + + III. + + Remember the wood where in ambush we lay; + And the scalps which we bore from your nation away: + Now the flame rises fast, you exult in my pain; + But the son of Alknomook can never complain. + + IV. + + I go to the land where my father is gone; + His ghost shall rejoice in the fame of his son: + Death comes like a friend, he relieves me from pain; + And thy son, O Alknomook! has scorn'd to complain. + +There is something in this song which ever calls forth my affections. +The manly virtue of courage, that fortitude which steels the heart +against the keenest misfortunes, which interweaves the laurel of glory +amidst the instruments of torture and death, displays something so +noble, so exalted, that in despite of the prejudices of education, I +cannot but admire it, even in a savage. The prepossession which our sex +is supposed to entertain for the character of a soldier is, I know, a +standing piece of raillery among the wits. A cockade, a lapell'd coat, +and a feather, they will tell you, are irresistible by a female heart. +Let it be so. Who is it that considers the helpless situation of our +sex, that does not see that we each moment stand in need of a protector, +and that a brave one too? [Formed of the more delicate materials of +nature, endowed only with the softer passions, incapable, from our +ignorance of the world, to guard against the wiles of mankind, our +security for happiness often depends upon their generosity and +courage:--Alas! how little of the former do we find!] How inconsistent! +that man should be leagued to destroy that honour upon which solely +rests his respect and esteem. Ten thousand temptations allure us, ten +thousand passions betray us; yet the smallest deviation from the path of +rectitude is followed by the contempt and insult of man, and the more +remorseless pity of woman; years of penitence and tears cannot wash away +the stain, nor a life of virtue obliterate its remembrance. [Reputation +is the life of woman; yet courage to protect it is masculine and +disgusting; and the only safe asylum a woman of delicacy can find is in +the arms of a man of honour. How naturally, then, should we love the +brave and the generous; how gratefully should we bless the arm raised +for our protection, when nerv'd by virtue and directed by honour!] +Heaven grant that the man with whom I may be connected--may be +connected!--Whither has my imagination transported me--whither does it +now lead me? Am I not indissolubly engaged, [by every obligation of +honour which my own consent and my father's approbation can give,] to a +man who can never share my affections, and whom a few days hence it will +be criminal for me to disapprove--to disapprove! would to heaven that +were all--to despise. For, can the most frivolous manners, actuated by +the most depraved heart, meet, or merit, anything but contempt from +every woman of delicacy and sentiment? + +[_VAN ROUGH without_: Mary!] + +Ha! my father's voice--Sir!-- + +_Enter VAN ROUGH._ + +VAN ROUGH. What, Mary, always singing doleful ditties, and moping over +these plaguy books. + +MARIA. I hope, sir, that it is not criminal to improve my mind with +books; or to divert my melancholy with singing, at my leisure hours. + +VAN ROUGH. Why, I don't know that, child; I don't know that. They us'd +to say, when I was a young man, that if a woman knew how to make a +pudding, and to keep herself out of fire and water, she knew enough for +a wife. Now, what good have these books done you? have they not made you +melancholy? as you call it. Pray, what right has a girl of your age to +be in the dumps? hav'n't you every thing your heart can wish; an't you +going to be married to a young man of great fortune; an't you going to +have the quit-rent of twenty miles square? + +MARIA. One hundredth part of the land, and a lease for life of the heart +of a man I could love, would satisfy me. + +VAN ROUGH. Pho, pho, pho! child; nonsense, downright nonsense, child. +This comes of your reading your story-books; your Charles Grandisons, +your Sentimental Journals, and your Robinson Crusoes, and such other +trumpery. No, no, no! child, it is money makes the mare go; keep your +eye upon the main chance, Mary. + +MARIA. Marriage, sir, is, indeed, a very serious affair. + +VAN ROUGH. You are right, child; you are right. I am sure I found it so, +to my cost. + +MARIA. I mean, sir, that as marriage is a portion for life, and so +intimately involves our happiness, we cannot be too considerate in the +choice of our companion. + +VAN ROUGH. Right, child; very right. A young woman should be very sober +when she is making her choice, but when she has once made it, as you +have done, I don't see why she should not be as merry as a grig; I am +sure she has reason enough to be so. Solomon says that "there is a time +to laugh, and a time to weep." Now, a time for a young woman to laugh is +when she has made sure of a good rich husband. Now, a time to cry, +according to you, Mary, is when she is making choice of him; but _I_ +should think that a young woman's time to cry was when she despaired of +_getting_ one. Why, there was your mother, now: to be sure, when I +popp'd the question to her she did look a little silly; but when she had +once looked down on her apron-strings, as all modest young women us'd to +do, and drawled out ye-s, she was as brisk and as merry as a bee. + +MARIA. My honoured mother, sir, had no motive to melancholy; she married +the man of her choice. + +VAN ROUGH. The man of her choice! And pray, Mary, an't you going to +marry the man of your choice--what trumpery notion is this? It is these +vile books [_Throwing them away._]. I'd have you to know, Mary, if you +won't make young Van Dumpling the man of _your_ choice, you shall marry +him as the man of _my_ choice. + +MARIA. You terrify me, sir. Indeed, sir, I am all submission. My will is +yours. + +VAN ROUGH. Why, that is the way your mother us'd to talk. "My will is +yours, my dear Mr. Van Rough, my will is yours;" but she took special +care to have her own way, though, for all that. + +MARIA. Do not reflect upon my mother's memory, sir-- + +VAN ROUGH. Why not, Mary, why not? She kept me from speaking my mind all +her _life_, and do you think she shall henpeck me now she is _dead_ too? +Come, come; don't go to sniveling; be a good girl, and mind the main +chance. I'll see you well settled in the world. + +MARIA. I do not doubt your love, sir, and it is my duty to obey you. I +will endeavour to make my duty and inclination go hand in hand. + +VAN ROUGH. Well, well, Mary; do you be a good girl, mind the main +chance, and never mind inclination. Why, do you know that I have been +down in the cellar this very morning to examine a pipe of Madeira which +I purchased the week you were born, and mean to tap on your wedding +day?--That pipe cost me fifty pounds sterling. It was well worth sixty +pounds; but I over-reach'd Ben Bulkhead, the supercargo: I'll tell you +the whole story. You must know that-- + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. Sir, Mr. Transfer, the broker, is below. [_Exit._ + +VAN ROUGH. Well, Mary, I must go. Remember, and be a good girl, and +mind the main chance. [_Exit._ + +MARIA [_alone_]. + +How deplorable is my situation! How distressing for a daughter to find +her heart militating with her filial duty! I know my father loves me +tenderly; why then do I reluctantly obey him? [Heaven knows! with what +reluctance I should oppose the will of a parent, or set an example of +filial disobedience;] at a parent's command, I could wed awkwardness and +deformity. [Were the heart of my husband good, I would so magnify his +good qualities with the eye of conjugal affection, that the defects of +his person and manners should be lost in the emanation of his virtues.] +At a father's command, I could embrace poverty. Were the poor man my +husband, I would learn resignation to my lot; I would enliven our frugal +meal with good humour, and chase away misfortune from our cottage with a +smile. At a father's command, I could almost submit to what every female +heart knows to be the most mortifying, to marry a weak man, and blush at +my husband's folly in every company I visited. But to marry a depraved +wretch, whose only virtue is a polished exterior; [who is actuated by +the unmanly ambition of conquering the defenceless; whose heart, +insensible to the emotions of patriotism, dilates at the plaudits of +every unthinking girl;] whose laurels are the sighs and tears of the +miserable victims of his specious behaviour--Can he, who has no regard +for the peace and happiness of other families, ever have a due regard +for the peace and happiness of his own? Would to heaven that my father +were not so hasty in his temper! Surely, if I were to state my reasons +for declining this match, he would not compel me to marry a man,--whom, +though my lips may solemnly promise to honour, I find my heart must ever +despise. + + [_Exit._ + +_End of the First Act._ + + + + +ACT II. + + +SCENE I. + +_Enter CHARLOTTE and LETITIA._ + +CHARLOTTE [_at entering_]. + +Betty, take those things out of the carriage and carry them to my +chamber; see that you don't tumble them. My dear, I protest, I think it +was the homeliest of the whole. I declare I was almost tempted to return +and change it. + +LETITIA. Why would you take it? + +CHARLOTTE. [Didn't Mrs. Catgut say it was the most fashionable? + +LETITIA. But, my dear, it will never fit becomingly on you. + +CHARLOTTE. I know that; but did not you hear Mrs. Catgut say it was +fashionable? + +LETITIA. Did you see that sweet airy cap with the white sprig? + +CHARLOTTE. Yes, and I longed to take it; but,] my dear, what could I do? +Did not Mrs. Catgut say it was the most fashionable; and if I had not +taken it, was not that awkward, gawky Sally Slender ready to purchase it +immediately? + +LETITIA. [Did you observe how she tumbled over the things at the next +shop, and then went off without purchasing any thing, nor even thanking +the poor man for his trouble? But, of all the awkward creatures, did you +see Miss Blouze endeavouring to thrust her unmerciful arm into those +small kid gloves? + +CHARLOTTE. Ha, ha, ha, ha!] + +LETITIA. Then did you take notice with what an affected warmth of +friendship she and Miss Wasp met? when all their acquaintance know how +much pleasure they take in abusing each other in every company. + +CHARLOTTE. Lud! Letitia, is that so extraordinary? Why, my dear, I hope +you are not going to turn sentimentalist. Scandal, you know, is but +amusing ourselves with the faults, foibles, follies, and reputations of +our friends; indeed, I don't know why we should have friends, if we are +not at liberty to make use of them. But no person is so ignorant of the +world as to suppose, because I amuse myself with a lady's faults, that I +am obliged to quarrel with her person every time we meet: believe me, my +dear, we should have very few acquaintances at that rate. + +_SERVANT enters and delivers a letter to CHARLOTTE, and--[Exit._ + +CHARLOTTE. You'll excuse me, my dear. + + [_Opens and reads to herself._ + +LETITIA. Oh, quite excusable. + +CHARLOTTE. As I hope to be married, my brother Henry is in the city. + +LETITIA. What, your brother, Colonel Manly? + +CHARLOTTE. Yes, my dear; the only brother I have in the world. + +LETITIA. Was he never in this city? + +CHARLOTTE. Never nearer than Harlem Heights, where he lay with his +regiment. + +LETITIA. What sort of a being is this brother of yours? If he is as +chatty, as pretty, as sprightly as you, half the belles in the city will +be pulling caps for him. + +CHARLOTTE. My brother is the very counterpart and reverse of me: I am +gay, he is grave; I am airy, he is solid; I am ever selecting the most +pleasing objects for my laughter, he has a tear for every pitiful one. +And thus, whilst he is plucking the briars and thorns from the path of +the unfortunate, I am strewing my own path with roses. + +LETITIA. My sweet friend, not quite so poetical, and a little more +particular. + +CHARLOTTE. Hands off, Letitia. I feel the rage of simile upon me; I +can't talk to you in any other way. My brother has a heart replete with +the noblest sentiments, but then, it is like--it is like--Oh! you +provoking girl, you have deranged all my ideas--it is like--Oh! I have +it--his heart is like an old maiden lady's band-box; it contains many +costly things, arranged with the most scrupulous nicety, yet the +misfortune is that they are too delicate, costly, and antiquated for +common use. + +LETITIA. By what I can pick out of your flowery description, your +brother is no beau. + +CHARLOTTE. No, indeed; he makes no pretension to the character. He'd +ride, or rather fly, an hundred miles to relieve a distressed object, or +to do a gallant act in the service of his country; but, should you drop +your fan or bouquet in his presence, it is ten to one that some beau at +the farther end of the room would have the honour of presenting it to +you before he had observed that it fell. I'll tell you one of his +antiquated, anti-gallant notions. He said once in my presence, in a room +full of company,--would you believe it?--in a large circle of ladies, +that the best evidence a gentleman could give a young lady of his +respect and affection was to endeavour in a friendly manner to rectify +her foibles. I protest I was crimson to the eyes, upon reflecting that I +was known as his sister. + +LETITIA. Insupportable creature! tell a lady of her faults! If he is so +grave, I fear I have no chance of captivating him. + +CHARLOTTE. [His conversation is like a rich, old-fashioned brocade,--it +will stand alone; every sentence is a sentiment. Now you may judge what +a time I had with him, in my twelve months' visit to my father. He read +me such lectures, out of pure brotherly affection, against the extremes +of fashion, dress, flirting, and coquetry, and all the other dear +things which he knows I dote upon, that I protest his conversation made +me as melancholy as if I had been at church; and, heaven knows, though I +never prayed to go there but on one occasion, yet I would have exchanged +his conversation for a psalm and a sermon. Church is rather melancholy, +to be sure; but then I can ogle the beaux, and be regaled with "here +endeth the first lesson," but his brotherly _here_, you would think had +no end.] You captivate him! Why, my dear, he would as soon fall in love +with a box of Italian flowers. There is Maria, now, if she were not +engaged, she might do something. Oh! how I should like to see that pair +of pensorosos together, looking as grave as two sailors' wives of a +stormy night, with a flow of sentiment meandering through their +conversation like purling streams in modern poetry. + +LETITIA. Oh! my dear fanciful-- + +CHARLOTTE. Hush! I hear some person coming through the entry. + +_Enter SERVANT._ + +SERVANT. Madam, there's a gentleman below who calls himself Colonel +Manly; do you choose to be at home? + +CHARLOTTE. Shew him in. [_Exit SERVANT._] Now for a sober face. + +_Enter COLONEL MANLY._ + +MANLY. My dear Charlotte, I am happy that I once more enfold you within +the arms of fraternal affection. I know you are going to ask (amiable +impatience!) how our parents do,--the venerable pair transmit you their +blessing by me--they totter on the verge of a well-spent life, and wish +only to see their children settled in the world, to depart in peace. + +CHARLOTTE. I am very happy to hear that they are well. [_Coolly._] +Brother, will you give me leave to introduce you to our uncle's ward, +one of my most intimate friends? + +MANLY [_Saluting LETITIA._]. I ought to regard your friends as my own. + +CHARLOTTE. Come, Letitia, do give us a little dash of your vivacity; my +brother is so sentimental and so grave, that I protest he'll give us the +vapours. + +MANLY. Though sentiment and gravity, I know, are banished the polite +world, yet I hoped they might find some countenance in the meeting of +such near connections as brother and sister. + +CHARLOTTE. Positively, brother, if you go one step further in this +strain, you will set me crying, and that, you know, would spoil my eyes; +and then I should never get the husband which our good papa and mamma +have so kindly wished me--never be established in the world. + +MANLY. Forgive me, my sister,--I am no enemy to mirth; I love your +sprightliness; and I hope it will one day enliven the hours of some +worthy man; but when I mention the respectable authors of my +existence,--the cherishers and protectors of my helpless infancy, whose +hearts glow with such fondness and attachment that they would willingly +lay down their lives for my welfare,--you will excuse me if I am so +unfashionable as to speak of them with some degree of respect and +reverence. + +CHARLOTTE. Well, well, brother; if you won't be gay, we'll not differ; I +will be as grave as you wish. [_Affects gravity._] +And so, brother, you have come to the city to exchange some of your +commutation notes for a little pleasure. + +MANLY. Indeed you are mistaken; my errand is not of amusement, but +business; and as I neither drink nor game, my expences will be so +trivial, I shall have no occasion to sell my notes. + +CHARLOTTE. Then you won't have occasion to do a very good thing. Why, +here was the Vermont General--he came down some time since, sold all his +musty notes at one stroke, and then laid the cash out in trinkets for +his dear Fanny. I want a dozen pretty things myself; have you got the +notes with you? + +MANLY. I shall be ever willing to contribute, as far as it is in my +power, to adorn or in any way to please my sister; yet I hope I shall +never be obliged for this to sell my notes. I may be romantic, but I +preserve them as a sacred deposit. Their full amount is justly due to +me, but as embarrassments, the natural consequences of a long war, +disable my country from supporting its credit, I shall wait with +patience until it is rich enough to discharge them. If that is not in my +day, they shall be transmitted as an honourable certificate to +posterity, that I have humbly imitated our illustrious WASHINGTON, in +having exposed my health and life in the service of my country, without +reaping any other reward than the glory of conquering in so arduous a +contest. + +CHARLOTTE. Well said heroics. Why, my dear Henry, you have such a lofty +way of saying things, that I protest I almost tremble at the thought of +introducing you to the polite circles in the city. The belles would +think you were a player run mad, with your head filled with old scraps +of tragedy; and, as to the beaux, they might admire, because they would +not understand you. But, however, I must, I believe, venture to +introduce you to two or three ladies of my acquaintance. + +LETITIA. And that will make him acquainted with thirty or forty beaux. + +CHARLOTTE. Oh! brother, you don't know what a fund of happiness you have +in store. + +MANLY. I fear, sister, I have not refinement sufficient to enjoy it. + +CHARLOTTE. Oh! you cannot fail being pleased. + +LETITIA. Our ladies are so delicate and dressy. + +CHARLOTTE. And our beaux so dressy and delicate. + +LETITIA. Our ladies chat and flirt so agreeably. + +CHARLOTTE. And our beaux simper and bow so gracefully. + +LETITIA. With their hair so trim and neat. + +CHARLOTTE. And their faces so soft and sleek. + +LETITIA. Their buckles so tonish and bright. + +CHARLOTTE. And their hands so slender and white. + +LETITIA. I vow, Charlotte, we are quite poetical. + +CHARLOTTE. And then, brother, the faces of the beaux are of such a +lily-white hue! None of that horrid robustness of constitution, that +vulgar corn-fed glow of health, which can only serve to alarm an +unmarried lady with apprehensions, and prove a melancholy memento to a +married one, that she can never hope for the happiness of being a widow. +I will say this to the credit of our city beaux, that such is the +delicacy of their complexion, dress, and address, that, even had I no +reliance upon the honour of the dear Adonises, I would trust myself in +any possible situation with them, without the least apprehensions of +rudeness. + +MANLY. Sister Charlotte! + +CHARLOTTE. Now, now, now, brother [_Interrupting him._], now don't go to +spoil my mirth with a dash of your gravity, I am so glad to see you, I +am in tiptop spirits. Oh! that you could be with us at a little snug +party. There is Billy Simper, Jack Chaffe, and Colonel Van Titter, Miss +Promonade, and the two Miss Tambours, sometimes make a party, with some +other ladies, in a side-box, at the play. Everything is conducted with +such decorum,--first we bow round to the company in general, then to +each one in particular, then we have so many inquiries after each +other's health, and we are so happy to meet each other, and it is so +many ages since we last had that pleasure, [and if a married lady is in +company, we have such a sweet dissertation upon her son Bobby's +chin-cough;] then the curtain rises, then our sensibility is all awake, +and then, by the mere force of apprehension, we torture some harmless +expression into a double meaning, which the poor author never dreamt of, +and then we have recourse to our fans, and then we blush, and then the +gentlemen jog one another, peep under the fan, and make the prettiest +remarks; and then we giggle and they simper, and they giggle and we +simper, and then the curtain drops, and then for nuts and oranges, and +then we bow, and it's Pray, ma'am, take it, and Pray, sir, keep it, and, +Oh! not for the world, sir; and then the curtain rises again, and then +we blush and giggle and simper and bow all over again. Oh! the +sentimental charms of a side-box conversation! [_All laugh._] + +MANLY. Well, sister, I join heartily with you in the laugh; for, in my +opinion, it is as justifiable to laugh at folly as it is reprehensible +to ridicule misfortune. + +CHARLOTTE. Well, but, brother, positively I can't introduce you in these +clothes: why, your coat looks as if it were calculated for the vulgar +purpose of keeping yourself comfortable. + +MANLY. This coat was my regimental coat in the late war. The public +tumults of our state have induced me to buckle on the sword in support +of that government which I once fought to establish. I can only say, +sister, that there was a time when this coat was respectable, and some +people even thought that those men who had endured so many winter +campaigns in the service of their country, without bread, clothing, or +pay, at least deserved that the poverty of their appearance should not +be ridiculed. + +CHARLOTTE. We agree in opinion entirely, brother, though it would not +have done for me to have said it: it is the coat makes the man +respectable. In the time of the war, when we were almost frightened to +death, why, your coat was respectable, that is, fashionable; now another +kind of coat is fashionable, that is, respectable. And, pray, direct the +tailor to make yours the height of the fashion. + +MANLY. Though it is of little consequence to me of what shape my coat +is, yet, as to the height of the fashion, there you will please to +excuse me, sister. You know my sentiments on that subject. I have often +lamented the advantage which the French have over us in that particular. +In Paris, the fashions have their dawnings, their routine, and +declensions, and depend as much upon the caprice of the day as in other +countries; but there every lady assumes a right to deviate from the +general _ton_ as far as will be of advantage to her own appearance. In +America, the cry is, What is the fashion? and we follow it +indiscriminately, because it is so. + +CHARLOTTE. Therefore it is, that when large hoops are in fashion, we +often see many a plump girl lost in the immensity of a hoop-petticoat, +whose want of height and _en-bon-point_ would never have been remarked +in any other dress. When the high head-dress is the mode, how then do we +see a lofty cushion, with a profusion of gauze, feathers, and ribband, +supported by a face no bigger than an apple; whilst a broad, full-faced +lady, who really would have appeared tolerably handsome in a large +head-dress, looks with her smart chapeau as masculine as a soldier. + +MANLY. But remember, my dear sister, and I wish all my fair countrywomen +would recollect, that the only excuse a young lady can have for going +extravagantly into a fashion is because it makes her look extravagantly +handsome.--Ladies, I must wish you a good morning. + +CHARLOTTE. But, brother, you are going to make home with us. + +MANLY. Indeed I cannot. I have seen my uncle and explained that matter. + +CHARLOTTE. Come and dine with us, then. We have a family dinner about +half-past four o'clock. + +MANLY. I am engaged to dine with the Spanish ambassador. I was +introduced to him by an old brother officer; and instead of freezing me +with a cold card of compliment to dine with him ten days hence, he, with +the true old Castilian frankness, in a friendly manner, asked me to dine +with him to-day--an honour I could not refuse. Sister, adieu--madam, +your most obedient-- + + [_Exit._ + +CHARLOTTE. I will wait upon you to the door, brother; I have something +particular to say to you. + + [_Exit._ + +LETITIA [_alone_]. What a pair!--She the pink of flirtation, he the +essence of everything that is _outre_ and gloomy.--I think I have +completely deceived Charlotte by my manner of speaking of Mr. Dimple; +she's too much the friend of Maria to be confided in. He is certainly +rendering himself disagreeable to Maria, in order to break with her and +proffer his hand to me. This is what the delicate fellow hinted in our +last conversation. + + [_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. _The Mall._ + +_Enter JESSAMY._ + +Positively this Mall is a very pretty place. I hope the cits won't ruin +it by repairs. To be sure, it won't do to speak of in the same day with +Ranelagh or Vauxhall; however, it's a fine place for a young fellow to +display his person to advantage. Indeed, nothing is lost here; the girls +have taste, and I am very happy to find they have adopted the elegant +London fashion of looking back, after a genteel fellow like me has +passed them.--Ah! who comes here? This, by his awkwardness, must be the +Yankee colonel's servant. I'll accost him. + +_Enter JONATHAN._ + +JESSAMY. _Votre tres-humble serviteur, Monsieur._ I understand Colonel +Manly, the Yankee officer, has the honour of your services. + +JONATHAN. Sir!-- + +JESSAMY. I say, sir, I understand that Colonel Manly has the honour of +having you for a servant. + +JONATHAN. Servant! Sir, do you take me for a neger,--I am Colonel +Manly's waiter. + +JESSAMY. A true Yankee distinction, egad, without a difference. Why, +sir, do you not perform all the offices of a servant? do you not even +blacken his boots? + +JONATHAN. Yes; I do grease them a bit sometimes; but I am a true blue +son of liberty, for all that. Father said I should come as Colonel +Manly's waiter, to see the world, and all that: but no man shall master +me: my father has as good a farm as the Colonel. + +JESSAMY. Well, sir, we will not quarrel about terms upon the eve of an +acquaintance from which I promise myself so much satisfaction;--therefore, +_sans ceremonie_-- + +JONATHAN. What?-- + +JESSAMY. I say I am extremely happy to see Colonel Manly's waiter. + +JONATHAN. Well, and I vow, too, I am pretty considerably glad to see +you; but what the dogs need of all this outlandish lingo? Who may you +be, sir, if I may be so bold? + +JESSAMY. I have the honour to be Mr. Dimple's servant, or, if you +please, waiter. We lodge under the same roof, and should be glad of the +honour of your acquaintance. + +JONATHAN. You a waiter! by the living jingo, you look so topping, I took +you for one of the agents to Congress. + +JESSAMY. The brute has discernment, notwithstanding his +appearance.--Give me leave to say I wonder then at your familiarity. + +JONATHAN. Why, as to the matter of that, Mr.----; pray, what's your +name? + +JESSAMY. Jessamy, at your service. + +JONATHAN. Why, I swear we don't make any great matter of distinction in +our state between quality and other folks. + +JESSAMY. This is, indeed, a levelling principle.--I hope, Mr. Jonathan, +you have not taken part with the insurgents. + +JONATHAN. Why, since General Shays has sneaked off and given us the bag +to hold, I don't care to give my opinion; but you'll promise not to +tell--put your ear this way--you won't tell?--I vow I did think the +sturgeons were right. + +JESSAMY. I thought, Mr. Jonathan, you Massachusetts-men always argued +with a gun in your hand. Why didn't you join them? + +JONATHAN. Why, the Colonel is one of those folks called the +Shin--Shin--dang it all, I can't speak them _lignum vitae_ words--you +know who I mean--there is a company of them--they wear a China goose at +their button-hole--a kind of gilt thing.--Now the Colonel told father +and brother,--you must know there are, let me see--there is Elnathan, +Silas, and Barnabas, Tabitha--no, no, she's a she--tarnation, now I have +it--there's Elnathan, Silas, Barnabas, Jonathan, that's I--seven of us, +six went into the wars, and I stayed at home to take care of mother. +Colonel said that it was a burning shame for the true blue Bunker-Hill +sons of liberty, who had fought Governor Hutchinson, Lord North, and the +Devil, to have any hand in kicking up a cursed dust against a government +which we had, every mother's son of us, a hand in making. + +JESSAMY. Bravo!--Well, have you been abroad in the city since your +arrival? What have you seen that is curious and entertaining? + +JONATHAN. Oh! I have seen a power of fine sights. I went to see two +marble-stone men and a leaden horse that stands out in doors in all +weathers; and when I came where they was, one had got no head, and t' +other wer'n't there. They said as how the leaden man was a damn'd tory, +and that he took wit in his anger and rode off in the time of the +troubles. + +JESSAMY. But this was not the end of your excursion. + +JONATHAN. Oh, no; I went to a place they call Holy Ground. Now I counted +this was a place where folks go to meeting; so I put my hymn-book in my +pocket, and walked softly and grave as a minister; and when I came +there, the dogs a bit of a meeting-house could I see. At last I spied a +young gentlewoman standing by one of the seats which they have here at +the doors. I took her to be the deacon's daughter, and she looked so +kind, and so obliging, that I thought I would go and ask her the way to +lecture, and--would you think it?--she called me dear, and sweeting, and +honey, just as if we were married: by the living jingo, I had a month's +mind to buss her. + +JESSAMY. Well, but how did it end? + +JONATHAN. Why, as I was standing talking with her, a parcel of sailor +men and boys got round me, the snarl-headed curs fell a-kicking and +cursing of me at such a tarnal rate, that I vow I was glad to take to my +heels and split home, right off, tail on end, like a stream of chalk. + +JESSAMY. Why, my dear friend, you are not acquainted with the city; that +girl you saw was a--[_Whispers._] + +JONATHAN. Mercy on my soul! was that young woman a harlot!--Well! if +this is New-York Holy Ground, what must the Holy-day Ground be! + +JESSAMY. Well, you should not judge of the city too rashly. We have a +number of elegant fine girls here that make a man's leisure hours pass +very agreeably. I would esteem it an honour to announce you to some of +them.--Gad! that announce is a select word; I wonder where I picked it +up. + +JONATHAN. I don't want to know them. + +JESSAMY. Come, come, my dear friend, I see that I must assume the honour +of being the director of your amusements. Nature has given us passions, +and youth and opportunity stimu late to gratify them. It is no shame, +my dear Blueskin, for a man to amuse himself with a little gallantry. + +JONATHAN. Girl huntry! I don't altogether understand. I never played at +that game. I know how to play hunt the squirrel, but I can't play +anything with the girls; I am as good as married. + +JESSAMY. Vulgar, horrid brute! Married, and above a hundred miles from +his wife, and think that an objection to his making love to every woman +he meets! He never can have read, no, he never can have been in a room +with a volume of the divine Chesterfield.--So you are married? + +JONATHAN. No, I don't say so; I said I was as good as married, a kind of +promise. + +JESSAMY. As good as married!-- + +JONATHAN. Why, yes; there's Tabitha Wymen, the deacon's daughter, at +home; she and I have been courting a great while, and folks say as how +we are to be married; and so I broke a piece of money with her when we +parted, and she promised not to spark it with Solomon Dyer while I am +gone. You wou'dn't have me false to my true-love, would you? + +JESSAMY. Maybe you have another reason for constancy; possibly the young +lady has a fortune? Ha! Mr. Jonathan, the solid charms: the chains of +love are never so binding as when the links are made of gold. + +JONATHAN. Why, as to fortune, I must needs say her father is pretty dumb +rich; he went representative for our town last year. He will give +her--let me see--four times seven is--seven times four--nought and carry +one,--he will give her twenty acres of land--somewhat rocky though--a +Bible, and a cow. + +JESSAMY. Twenty acres of rock, a Bible, and a cow! Why, my dear Mr. +Jonathan, we have servant-maids, or, as you would more elegantly express +it, waitresses, in this city, who collect more in one year from their +mistresses' cast clothes. + +JONATHAN. You don't say so!-- + +JESSAMY. Yes, and I'll introduce you to one of them. There is a little +lump of flesh and delicacy that lives at next door, waitress to Miss +Maria; we often see her on the stoop. + +JONATHAN. But are you sure she would be courted by me? + +JESSAMY. Never doubt it; remember a faint heart never--blisters on my +tongue--I was going to be guilty of a vile proverb; flat against the +authority of Chesterfield. I say there can be no doubt that the +brilliancy of your merit will secure you a favourable reception. + +JONATHAN. Well, but what must I say to her? + +JESSAMY. Say to her! why, my dear friend, though I admire your profound +knowledge on every other subject, yet, you will pardon my saying that +your want of opportunity has made the female heart escape the poignancy +of your penetration. Say to her! Why, when a man goes a-courting, and +hopes for success, he must begin with doing, and not saying. + +JONATHAN. Well, what must I do? + +JESSAMY. Why, when you are introduced you must make five or six elegant +bows. + +JONATHAN. Six elegant bows! I understand that; six, you say? Well-- + +JESSAMY. Then you must press and kiss her hand; then press and kiss, and +so on to her lips and cheeks: then talk as much as you can about hearts, +darts, flames, nectar, and ambrosia--the more incoherent the better. + +JONATHAN. Well, but suppose she should be angry with I? + +JESSAMY. Why, if she should pretend--please to observe, Mr. Jonathan--if +she should pretend to be offended, you must--But I'll tell you how my +master acted in such a case: He was seated by a young lady of eighteen +upon a sofa, plucking with a wanton hand the blooming sweets of youth +and beauty. When the lady thought it necessary to check his ardour, she +called up a frown upon her lovely face, so irresistibly alluring, that +it would have warmed the frozen bosom of age; remember, said she, +putting her delicate arm upon his, remember your character and my +honour. My master instantly dropped upon his knees, with eyes swimming +with love, cheeks glowing with desire, and in the gentlest modulation of +voice he said: My dear Caroline, in a few months our hands will be +indissolubly united at the altar; our hearts I feel are already so; the +favours you now grant as evidence of your affection are favours indeed; +yet, when the ceremony is once past, what will now be received with +rapture will then be attributed to duty. + +JONATHAN. Well, and what was the consequence? + +JESSAMY. The consequence!--Ah! forgive me, my dear friend, but you +New-England gentlemen have such a laudable curiosity of seeing the +bottom of everything;--why, to be honest, I confess I saw the blooming +cherub of a consequence smiling in its angelic mother's arms, about ten +months afterwards. + +JONATHAN. Well, if I follow all your plans, make them six bows, and all +that, shall I have such little cherubim consequences? + +JESSAMY. Undoubtedly.--What are you musing upon? + +JONATHAN. You say you'll certainly make me acquainted?--Why, I was +thinking then how I should contrive to pass this broken piece of +silver--won't it buy a sugar-dram? + +JESSAMY. What is that, the love-token from the deacon's daughter?--You +come on bravely. But I must hasten to my master. Adieu, my dear friend. + +JONATHAN. Stay, Mr. Jessamy--must I buss her when I am introduced to +her? + +JESSAMY. I told you, you must kiss her. + +JONATHAN. Well, but must I buss her? + +JESSAMY. Why kiss and buss, and buss and kiss, is all one. + +JONATHAN. Oh! my dear friend, though you have a profound knowledge of +all, a pugnency of tribulation, you don't know everything. + + [_Exit._ + +JESSAMY [_alone_]. + +Well, certainly I improve; my master could not have insinuated himself +with more address into the heart of a man he despised. Now will this +blundering dog sicken Jenny with his nauseous pawings, until she flies +into my arms for very ease. How sweet will the contrast be between the +blundering Jonathan and the courtly and accomplished Jessamy! + +_End of the Second Act._ + + + + +ACT III. + + +SCENE I. _DIMPLE'S Room._ + +DIMPLE [_discovered at a toilet, reading_]. + +"Women have in general but one object, which is their beauty." Very +true, my lord; positively very true. "Nature has hardly formed a woman +ugly enough to be insensible to flattery upon her person." Extremely +just, my lord; every day's delightful experience confirms this. "If her +face is so shocking that she must, in some degree, be conscious of it, +her figure and air, she thinks, make ample amends for it." The sallow +Miss Wan is a proof of this. Upon my telling the distasteful wretch, the +other day, that her countenance spoke the pensive language of sentiment, +and that Lady Wortley Montague declared that, if the ladies were arrayed +in the garb of innocence, the face would be the last part which would be +admired, as Monsieur Milton expresses it, she grin'd horribly a ghastly +smile. "If her figure is deformed, she thinks her face counterbalances +it." + +_Enter JESSAMY with letters._ + +DIMPLE. Where got you these, Jessamy? + +JESSAMY. Sir, the English packet is arrived. + +DIMPLE [_opens and reads a letter enclosing notes_]. + + "Sir, + + "I have drawn bills on you in favour of Messrs. Van Cash and Co. + as per margin. I have taken up your note to Col. Piquet, and + discharged your debts to my Lord Lurcher and Sir Harry Rook. I + herewith enclose you copies of the bills, which I have no doubt + will be immediately honoured. On failure, I shall empower some + lawyer in your country to recover the amounts. + + "I am, sir, + + "Your most humble servant, + "JOHN HAZARD." + +Now, did not my lord expressly say that it was unbecoming a well-bred +man to be in a passion, I confess I should be ruffled. [_Reads._] "There +is no accident so unfortunate, which a wise man may not turn to his +advantage; nor any accident so fortunate, which a fool will not turn to +his disadvantage." True, my lord; but how advantage can be derived from +this I can't see. Chesterfield himself, who made, however, the worst +practice of the most excellent precepts, was never in so embarrassing a +situation. I love the person of Charlotte, and it is necessary I should +command the fortune of Letitia. As to Maria!--I doubt not by my +_sang-froid_ behaviour I shall compel her to decline the match; but the +blame must not fall upon me. A prudent man, as my lord says, should take +all the credit of a good action to himself, and throw the discredit of a +bad one upon others. I must break with Maria, marry Letitia, and as for +Charlotte--why, Charlotte must be a companion to my wife.--Here, +Jessamy! + +_Enter JESSAMY._ + +_DIMPLE folds and seals two letters._ + +DIMPLE. Here, Jessamy, take this letter to my love. + [_Gives one._ + +JESSAMY. To which of your honour's loves?--Oh! [_Reading._] to Miss +Letitia, your honour's rich love. + +DIMPLE. And this [_Delivers another._] to Miss Charlotte Manly. See that +you deliver them privately. + +JESSAMY. Yes, your honour. [_Going._ + +DIMPLE. Jessamy, who are these strange lodgers that came to the house +last night? + +JESSAMY. Why, the master is a Yankee colonel; I have not seen much of +him; but the man is the most unpolished animal your honour ever +disgraced your eyes by looking upon. I have had one of the most _outre_ +conversations with him!--He really has a most prodigious effect upon my +risibility. + +DIMPLE. I ought, according to every rule of Chesterfield, to wait on him +and insinuate myself into his good graces.--Jessamy, wait on the Colonel +with my compliments, and if he is disengaged I will do myself the honour +of paying him my respects.--Some ignorant, unpolished boor-- + +_JESSAMY goes off and returns._ + +JESSAMY. Sir, the Colonel is gone out, and Jonathan his servant says +that he is gone to stretch his legs upon the Mall.--Stretch his legs! +what an indelicacy of diction! + +DIMPLE. Very well. Reach me my hat and sword. I'll accost him there, in +my way to Letitia's, as by accident; pretend to be struck with his +person and address, and endeavour to steal into his confidence. Jessamy, +I have no business for you at present. + + [_Exit._ + +JESSAMY [_taking up the book_]. + +My master and I obtain our knowledge from the same source;--though, gad! +I think myself much the prettier fellow of the two. [_Surveying himself +in the glass._] That was a brilliant thought, to insinuate that I folded +my master's letters for him; the folding is so neat, that it does honour +to the operator. I once intended to have insinuated that I wrote his +letters too; but that was before I saw them; it won't do now: no honour +there, positively.--"Nothing looks more vulgar [_Reading affectedly._], +ordinary, and illiberal than ugly, uneven, and ragged nails; the ends of +which should be kept even and clean, not tipped with black, and cut in +small segments of circles."--Segments of circles! surely my lord did not +consider that he wrote for the beaux. Segments of circles! what a +crabbed term! Now I dare answer that my master, with all his learning, +does not know that this means, according to the present mode, to let the +nails grow long, and then cut them off even at top. [_Laughing +without._] Ha! that's Jenny's titter. I protest I despair of ever +teaching that girl to laugh; she has something so execrably natural in +her laugh, that I declare it absolutely discomposes my nerves. How came +she into our house! [_Calls._] Jenny! + +_Enter JENNY._ + +JESSAMY. Prythee, Jenny, don't spoil your fine face with laughing. + +JENNY. Why, mustn't I laugh, Mr. Jessamy? + +JESSAMY. You may smile; but, as my lord says, nothing can authorize a +laugh. + +JENNY. Well, but I can't help laughing.--Have you seen him, Mr. Jessamy? +ha, ha, ha! + +JESSAMY. Seen whom? + +JENNY. Why Jonathan, the New-England colonel's servant. Do you know he +was at the play last night, and the stupid creature don't know where he +has been. He would not go to a play for the world; he thinks it was a +show, as he calls it. + +JESSAMY. As ignorant and unpolished as he is, do you know, Miss Jenny, +that I propose to introduce him to the honour of your acquaintance? + +JENNY. Introduce him to me! for what? + +JESSAMY. Why, my lovely girl, that you may take him under your +protection, as Madame Ramboulliet did young Stanhope; that you may, by +your plastic hand, mould this uncouth cub into a gentleman. He is to +make love to you. + +JENNY. Make love to me!-- + +JESSAMY. Yes, Mistress Jenny, make love to you; and, I doubt not, when +he shall become _domesticated_ in your kitchen, that this boor, under +your auspices, will soon become _un amiable petit Jonathan_. + +JENNY. I must say, Mr. Jessamy, if he copies after me, he will be +vastly, monstrously polite. + +JESSAMY. Stay here one moment, and I will call him.--Jonathan!--Mr. +Jonathan! [_Calls._] + +JONATHAN [_Within._]. Holla! there.--[_Enters._] You promise to stand by +me--six bows you say. [_Bows._] + +JESSAMY. Mrs. Jenny, I have the honour of presenting Mr. Jonathan, +Colonel Manly's waiter, to you. I am extremely happy that I have it in +my power to make two worthy people acquainted with each other's merits. + +JENNY. So, Mr. Jonathan, I hear you were at the play last night. + +JONATHAN. At the play! why, did you think I went to the devil's +drawing-room? + +JENNY. The devil's drawing-room! + +JONATHAN. Yes; why an't cards and dice the devil's device, and the +play-house the shop where the devil hangs out the vanities of the world +upon the tenter-hooks of temptation. I believe you have not heard how +they were acting the old boy one night, and the wicked one came among +them sure enough, and went right off in a storm, and carried one quarter +of the play-house with him. Oh! no, no, no! you won't catch me at a +play-house, I warrant you. + +JENNY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, though I don't scruple your veracity, I have +some reasons for believing you were there; pray, where were you about +six o'clock? + +JONATHAN. Why, I went to see one Mr. Morrison, the _hocus-pocus_ man; +they said as how he could eat a case knife. + +JENNY. Well, and how did you find the place? + +JONATHAN. As I was going about here and there, to and again, to find it, +I saw a great crowd of folks going into a long entry that had lantherns +over the door; so I asked a man whether that was not the place where +they played _hocus-pocus_? He was a very civil, kind man, though he did +speak like the Hessians; he lifted up his eyes and said, "They play +_hocus-pocus_ tricks enough there, Got knows, mine friend." + +JENNY. Well-- + +JONATHAN. So I went right in, and they shewed me away, clean up to the +garret, just like meeting-house gallery. And so I saw a power of topping +folks, all sitting round in little cabins, "just like father's +corn-cribs;" and then there was such a squeaking with the fiddles, and +such a tarnal blaze with the lights, my head was near turned. At last +the people that sat near me set up such a hissing--hiss--like so many +mad cats; and then they went thump, thump, thump, just like our Peleg +threshing wheat and stampt away, just like the nation; and called out +for one Mr. Langolee,--I suppose he helps act[s] the tricks. + +JENNY. Well, and what did you do all this time? + +JONATHAN. Gor, I--I liked the fun, and so I thumpt away, and hiss'd as +lustily as the best of 'em. One sailor-looking man that sat by me, +seeing me stamp, and knowing I was a cute fellow, because I could make a +roaring noise, clapt me on the shoulder and said, "You are a d----d +hearty cock, smite my timbers!" I told him so I was, but I thought he +need not swear so, and make use of such naughty words. + +JESSAMY. The savage!--Well, and did you see the man with his tricks? + +JONATHAN. Why, I vow, as I was looking out for him, they lifted up a +great green cloth and let us look right into the next neighbour's house. +Have you a good many houses in New-York made so in that 'ere way? + +JENNY. Not many; but did you see the family? + +JONATHAN. Yes, swamp it; I see'd the family. + +JENNY. Well, and how did you like them? + +JONATHAN. Why, I vow they were pretty much like other families;--there +was a poor, good-natured curse of a husband, and a sad rantipole of a +wife. + +JENNY. But did you see no other folks? + +JONATHAN. Yes. There was one youngster; they called him Mr. Joseph; he +talked as sober and as pious as a minister; but, like some ministers +that I know, he was a sly tike in his heart for all that: He was going +to ask a young woman to spark it with him, and--the Lord have mercy on +my soul!--she was another man's wife. + +JESSAMY. The Wabash! + +JENNY. And did you see any more folks? + +JONATHAN. Why, they came on as thick as mustard. For my part, I thought +the house was haunted. There was a soldier fellow, who talked about his +row de dow, dow, and courted a young woman; but, of all the cute folk I +saw, I liked one little fellow-- + +JENNY. Aye! who was he? + +JONATHAN. Why, he had red hair, and a little round plump face like mine, +only not altogether so handsome. His name was--Darby;--that was his +baptizing name; his other name I forgot. Oh! it was Wig--Wag--Wag-all, +Darby Wag-all,--pray, do you know him?--I should like to take a sling +with him, or a drap of cyder with a pepper-pod in it, to make it warm +and comfortable. + +JENNY. I can't say I have that pleasure. + +JONATHAN. I wish you did; he is a cute fellow. But there was one thing I +didn't like in that Mr. Darby; and that was, he was afraid of some of +them 'ere shooting irons, such as your troopers wear on training days. +Now, I'm a true born Yankee American son of liberty, and I never was +afraid of a gun yet in all my life. + +JENNY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, you were certainly at the play-house. + +JONATHAN. I at the play-house!--Why didn't I see the play then? + +JENNY. Why, the people you saw were players. + +JONATHAN. Mercy on my soul! did I see the wicked players?--Mayhap that +'ere Darby that I liked so was the old serpent himself, and had his +cloven foot in his pocket. Why, I vow, now I come to think on't, the +candles seemed to burn blue, and I am sure where I sat it smelt tarnally +of brimstone. + +JESSAMY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, from your account, which I confess is very +accurate, you must have been at the play-house. + +JONATHAN. Why, I vow, I began to smell a rat. When I came away, I went +to the man for my money again; you want your money? says he; yes, says +I; for what? says he; why, says I, no man shall jocky me out of my +money; I paid my money to see sights, and the dogs a bit of a sight have +I seen, unless you call listening to people's private business a sight. +Why, says he, it is the School for Scandalization.--The School for +Scandalization!--Oh! ho! no wonder you New-York folks are so cute at it, +when you go to school to learn it; and so I jogged off. + +JESSAMY. My dear Jenny, my master's business drags me from you; would to +heaven I knew no other servitude than to your charms. + +JONATHAN. Well, but don't go; you won't leave me so.-- + +JESSAMY. Excuse me.--Remember the cash. + [_Aside to him, and--Exit._] + +JENNY. Mr. Jonathan, won't you please to sit down. Mr. Jessamy tells me +you wanted to have some conversation with me. [_Having brought forward +two chairs, they sit._] + +JONATHAN. Ma'am!-- + +JENNY. Sir!-- + +JONATHAN. Ma'am!-- + +JENNY. Pray, how do you like the city, sir? + +JONATHAN. Ma'am!-- + +JENNY. I say, sir, how do you like New-York? + +JONATHAN. Ma'am!-- + +JENNY. The stupid creature! but I must pass some little time with him, +if it is only to endeavour to learn whether it was his master that made +such an abrupt entrance into our house, and my young mistress' heart, +this morning. [_Aside._] As you don't seem to like to talk, Mr. +Jonathan--do you sing? + +JONATHAN. Gor, I--I am glad she asked that, for I forgot what Mr. +Jessamy bid me say, and I dare as well be hanged as act what he bid me +do, I'm so ashamed. [_Aside._] Yes, ma'am, I can sing--I can sing Mear, +Old Hundred, and Bangor. + +JENNY. Oh! I don't mean psalm tunes. Have you no little song to please +the ladies, such as Roslin Castle, or the Maid of the Mill? + +JONATHAN. Why, all my tunes go to meeting tunes, save one, and I count +you won't altogether like that 'ere. + +JENNY. What is it called? + +JONATHAN. I am sure you have heard folks talk about it; it is called +Yankee Doodle. + +JENNY. Oh! it is the tune I am fond of; and, if I know anything of my +mistress, she would be glad to dance to it. Pray, sing! + +JONATHAN [_sings_]. + + Father and I went up to camp, + Along with Captain Goodwin; + And there we saw the men and boys, + As thick as hasty-pudding. + Yankee doodle do, &c. + + And there we saw a swamping gun, + Big as log of maple, + On a little deuced cart, + A load for father's cattle. + Yankee doodle do, &c. + + And every time they fired it off + It took a horn of powder, + It made a noise--like father's gun, + Only a nation louder. + Yankee doodle do, &c. + + There was a man in our town, + His name was-- + +No, no, that won't do. Now, if I was with Tabitha Wymen and Jemima +Cawley down at father Chase's, I shouldn't mind singing this all out +before them--you would be affronted if I was to sing that, though that's +a lucky thought; if you should be affronted, I have something dang'd +cute, which Jessamy told me to say to you. + +JENNY. Is that all! I assure you I like it of all things. + +JONATHAN. No, no; I can sing more; some other time, when you and I are +better acquainted, I'll sing the whole of it--no, no--that's a fib--I +can't sing but a hundred and ninety verses: our Tabitha at home can sing +it all.--[_Sings._] + + Marblehead's a rocky place, + And Cape-Cod is sandy; + Charlestown is burnt down, + Boston is the dandy. + Yankee doodle, doodle do, &c. + + +I vow, my own town song has put me into such topping spirits that I +believe I'll begin to do a little, as Jessamy says we must when we go +a-courting.--[_Runs and kisses her._] Burning rivers! cooling flames! +red-hot roses! pig-nuts! hasty-pudding and ambrosia! + +JENNY. What means this freedom? you insulting wretch. [_Strikes him._] + +JONATHAN. Are you affronted? + +JENNY. Affronted! with what looks shall I express my anger? + +JONATHAN. Looks! why as to the matter of looks, you look as cross as a +witch. + +JENNY. Have you no feeling for the delicacy of my sex? + +JONATHAN. Feeling! Gor, I--I feel the delicacy of your sex pretty +smartly [_Rubbing his cheek._], though, I vow, I thought when you city +ladies courted and married, and all that, you put feeling out of the +question. But I want to know whether you are really affronted, or only +pretend to be so? 'Cause, if you are certainly right down affronted, I +am at the end of my tether; Jessamy didn't tell me what to say to you. + +JENNY. Pretend to be affronted! + +JONATHAN. Aye, aye, if you only pretend, you shall hear how I'll go to +work to make cherubim consequences. [_Runs up to her._] + +JENNY. Begone, you brute! + +JONATHAN. That looks like mad; but I won't lose my speech. My dearest +Jenny--your name is Jenny, I think?--My dearest Jenny, though I have the +highest esteem for the sweet favours you have just now granted me--Gor, +that's a fib, though; but Jessamy says it is not wicked to tell lies to +the women. [_Aside._] I say, though I have the highest esteem for the +favours you have just now granted me, yet you will consider that, as +soon as the dissolvable knot is tied, they will no longer be favours, +but only matters of duty and matters of course. + +JENNY. Marry you! you audacious monster! get out of my sight, or, +rather, let me fly from you. [_Exit hastily._ + +JONATHAN. Gor! she's gone off in a swinging passion, before I had time +to think of consequences. If this is the way with your city ladies, give +me the twenty acres of rock, the bible, the cow, and Tabitha, and a +little peaceable bundling. + + +SCENE II. _The Mall._ + +_Enter MANLY._ + +It must be so, Montague! and it is not all the tribe of Mandevilles that +shall convince me that a nation, to become great, must first become +dissipated. Luxury is surely the bane of a nation: Luxury! which +enervates both soul and body, by opening a thousand new sources of +enjoyment, opens, also, a thousand new sources of contention and want: +Luxury! which renders a people weak at home, and accessible to bribery, +corruption, and force from abroad. When the Grecian states knew no other +tools than the axe and the saw, the Grecians were a great, a free, and a +happy people. The kings of Greece devoted their lives to the service of +their country, and her senators knew no other superiority over their +fellow-citizens than a glorious pre-eminence in danger and virtue. They +exhibited to the world a noble spectacle,--a number of independent +states united by a similarity of language, sentiment, manners, common +interest, and common consent, in one grand mutual league of protection. +And, thus united, long might they have continued the cherishers of arts +and sciences, the protectors of the oppressed, the scourge of tyrants, +and the safe asylum of liberty. But when foreign gold, and still more +pernicious, foreign luxury had crept among them, they sapped the vitals +of their virtue. The virtues of their ancestors were only found in their +writings. Envy and suspicion, the vices of little minds, possessed them. +The various states engendered jealousies of each other; and, more +unfortunately, growing jealous of their great federal council, the +Amphictyons, they forgot that their common safety had existed, and would +exist, in giving them an honourable extensive prerogative. The common +good was lost in the pursuit of private interest; and that people who, +by uniting, might have stood against the world in arms, by dividing, +crumbled into ruin;--their name is now only known in the page of the +historian, and what they once were is all we have left to admire. Oh! +that America! Oh! that my country, would, in this her day, learn the +things which belong to her peace! + +_Enter DIMPLE._ + +DIMPLE. You are Colonel Manly, I presume? + +MANLY. At your service, sir. + +DIMPLE. My name is Dimple, sir. I have the honour to be a lodger in the +same house with you, and, hearing you were in the Mall, came hither to +take the liberty of joining you. + +MANLY. You are very obliging, sir. + +DIMPLE. As I understand you are a stranger here, sir, I have taken the +liberty to introduce myself to your acquaintance, as possibly I may have +it in my power to point out some things in this city worthy your notice. + +MANLY. An attention to strangers is worthy a liberal mind, and must ever +be gratefully received. But to a soldier, who has no fixed abode, such +attentions are particularly pleasing. + +DIMPLE. Sir, there is no character so respectable as that of a soldier. +And, indeed, when we reflect how much we owe to those brave men who have +suffered so much in the service of their country, and secured to us +those inestimable blessings that we now enjoy, our liberty and +independence, they demand every attention which gratitude can pay. For +my own part, I never meet an officer, but I embrace him as my friend, +nor a private in distress, but I insensibly extend my charity to +him.--I have hit the Bumkin off very tolerably. [_Aside._ + +MANLY. Give me your hand, sir! I do not proffer this hand to everybody; +but you steal into my heart. I hope I am as insensible to flattery as +most men; but I declare (it may be my weak side) that I never hear the +name of soldier mentioned with respect, but I experience a thrill of +pleasure which I never feel on any other occasion. + +DIMPLE. Will you give me leave, my dear Colonel, to confer an obligation +on myself, by shewing you some civilities during your stay here, and +giving a similar opportunity to some of my friends? + +MANLY. Sir, I thank you; but I believe my stay in this city will be very +short. + +DIMPLE. I can introduce you to some men of excellent sense, in whose +company you will esteem yourself happy; and, by way of amusement, to +some fine girls, who will listen to your soft things with pleasure. + +MANLY. Sir, I should be proud of the honour of being acquainted with +those gentlemen;--but, as for the ladies, I don't understand you. + +DIMPLE. Why, sir, I need not tell you, that when a young gentleman is +alone with a young lady he must say some soft things to her fair +cheek--indeed, the lady will expect it. To be sure, there is not much +pleasure when a man of the world and a finished coquette meet, who +perfectly know each other; but how delicious is it to excite the +emotions of joy, hope, expectation, and delight in the bosom of a lovely +girl who believes every tittle of what you say to be serious! + +MANLY. Serious, sir! In my opinion, the man who, under pretensions of +marriage, can plant thorns in the bosom of an innocent, unsuspecting +girl is more detestable than a common robber, in the same proportion as +private violence is more despicable than open force, and money of less +value than happiness. + +DIMPLE. How he awes me by the superiority of his sentiments. [_Aside._] +As you say, sir, a gentlemen should be cautious how he mentions +marriage. + +MANLY. Cautious, sir! [No person more approves of an intercourse between +the sexes than I do. Female conversation softens our manners, whilst our +discourse, from the superiority of our literary advantages, improves +their minds. But, in our young country, where there is no such thing as +gallantry, when a gentleman speaks of love to a lady, whether he +mentions marriage or not, she ought to conclude either that he meant to +insult her or that his intentions are the most serious and honourable.] +How mean, how cruel, is it, by a thousand tender assiduities, to win the +affections of an amiable girl, and, though you leave her virtue +unspotted, to betray her into the appearance of so many tender +partialities, that every man of delicacy would suppress his inclination +towards her, by supposing her heart engaged! Can any man, for the +trivial gratification of his leisure-hours, affect the happiness of a +whole life! His not having spoken of marriage may add to his perfidy, +but can be no excuse for his conduct. + +DIMPLE. Sir, I admire your sentiments;--they are mine. The light +observations that fell from me were only a principle of the tongue; they +came not from the heart; my practice has ever disapproved these +principles. + +MANLY. I believe you, sir. I should with reluctance suppose that those +pernicious sentiments could find admittance into the heart of a +gentleman. + +DIMPLE. I am now, sir, going to visit a family, where, if you please, I +will have the honour of introducing you. Mr. Manly's ward, Miss Letitia, +is a young lady of immense fortune; and his niece, Miss Charlotte Manly, +is a young lady of great sprightliness and beauty. + +MANLY. That gentleman, sir, is my uncle, and Miss Manly my sister. + +DIMPLE. The devil she is! [_Aside._] Miss Manly your sister, sir? I +rejoice to hear it, and feel a double pleasure in being known to +you.--Plague on him! I wish he was at Boston again, with all my soul. +[_Aside._] + +MANLY. Come, sir, will you go? + +DIMPLE. I will follow you in a moment, sir. [_Exit MANLY._] +Plague on it! this is unlucky. A fighting brother is a cursed appendage +to a fine girl. Egad! I just stopped in time; had he not discovered +himself, in two minutes more I should have told him how well I was with +his sister. Indeed, I cannot see the satisfaction of an intrigue, if one +can't have the pleasure of communicating it to our friends. [_Exit._ + +_End of the Third Act._ + + + + +ACT IV. + + +SCENE. I. _CHARLOTTE'S Apartment._ + +_CHARLOTTE leading in MARIA._ + +CHARLOTTE. This is so kind, my sweet friend, to come to see me at this +moment. I declare, if I were going to be married in a few days, as you +are, I should scarce have found time to visit my friends. + +MARIA. Do you think, then, that there is an impropriety in it?--How +should you dispose of your time? + +CHARLOTTE. Why, I should be shut up in my chamber; and my head would so +run upon--upon--upon the solemn ceremony that I was to pass through!--I +declare, it would take me above two hours merely to learn that little +monosyllable--_Yes._--Ah! my dear, your sentimental imagination does not +conceive what that little tiny word implies. + +MARIA. Spare me your raillery, my sweet friend; I should love your +agreeable vivacity at any other time. + +CHARLOTTE. Why, this is the very time to amuse you. You grieve me to see +you look so unhappy. + +MARIA. Have I not reason to look so? + +CHARLOTTE. [What new grief distresses you? + +MARIA. Oh! how sweet it is, when the heart is borne down with +misfortune, to recline and repose on the bosom of friendship! Heaven +knows that, although it is improper for a young lady to praise a +gentleman, yet I have ever concealed Mr. Dimple's foibles, and spoke of +him as of one whose reputation I expected would be linked with mine: but +his late conduct towards me has turned my coolness into contempt. He +behaves as if he meant to insult and disgust me; whilst my father, in +the last conversation on the subject of our marriage, spoke of it as a +matter which laid near his heart, and in which he would not bear +contradiction. + +CHARLOTTE. This works well: oh! the generous Dimple. I'll endeavour to +excite her to discharge him. [_Aside._] But, my dear friend, your +happiness depends on yourself. Why don't you discard him? Though the +match has been of long standing, I would not be forced to make myself +miserable: no parent in the world should oblige me to marry the man I +did not like. + +MARIA. Oh! my dear, you never lived with your parents, and do not know +what influence a father's frowns have upon a daughter's heart. Besides, +what have I to allege against Mr. Dimple, to justify myself to the +world? He carries himself so smoothly, that every one would impute the +blame to me, and call me capricious. + +CHARLOTTE. And call her capricious! Did ever such an objection start +into the heart of woman? for my part, I wish I had fifty lovers to +discard, for no other reason than because I did not fancy them.] My dear +Maria, you will forgive me; I know your candour and confidence in me; +but I have at times, I confess, been led to suppose that some other +gentleman was the cause of your aversion to Mr. Dimple. + +MARIA. No, my sweet friend, you may be assured, that though I have seen +many gentlemen I could prefer to Mr. Dimple, yet I never saw one that I +thought I could give my hand to, until this morning. + +CHARLOTTE. This morning! + +MARIA. Yes; one of the strangest accidents in the world. The odious +Dimple, after disgusting me with his conversation, had just left me, +when a gentleman, who, it seems, boards in the same house with him, saw +him coming out of our door, and, the houses looking very much alike, he +came into our house instead of his lodgings; nor did he discover his +mistake until he got into the parlour, where I was: he then bowed so +gracefully, made such a genteel apology, and looked so manly and +noble!-- + +CHARLOTTE. I see some folks, though it is so great an impropriety, can +praise a gentleman, when he happens to be the man of their fancy. +[_Aside._] + +MARIA. I don't know how it was,--I hope he did not think me +indelicate,--but I asked him, I believe, to sit down, or pointed to a +chair. He sat down, and, instead of having recourse to observations upon +the weather, or hackneyed criticisms upon the theatre, he entered +readily into a conversation worthy a man of sense to speak, and a lady +of delicacy and sentiment to hear. He was not strictly handsome, but he +spoke the language of sentiment, and his eyes looked tenderness and +honour. + +CHARLOTTE. Oh! [_Eagerly._] you sentimental, grave girls, when your +hearts are once touched, beat us rattles a bar's length. And so you are +quite in love with this he-angel? + +MARIA. In love with him! How can you rattle so, Charlotte? Am I not +going to be miserable? [_Sighs._] In love with a gentleman I never saw +but one hour in my life, and don't know his name! No; I only wished +that the man I shall marry may look, and talk, and act, just like him. +Besides, my dear, he is a married man. + +CHARLOTTE. Why, that was good-natured.--He told you so, I suppose, in +mere charity, to prevent you falling in love with him? + +MARIA. He didn't tell me so; [_Peevishly._] he looked as if he was +married. + +CHARLOTTE. How, my dear; did he look sheepish? + +MARIA. I am sure he has a susceptible heart, and the ladies of his +acquaintance must be very stupid not to-- + +CHARLOTTE. Hush! I hear some person coming. + +[_Enter LETITIA._ + +LETITIA. My dear Maria, I am happy to see you. Lud! what a pity it is +that you have purchased your wedding clothes. + +MARIA. I think so. [_Sighing._] + +LETITIA. Why, my dear, there is the sweetest parcel of silks come over +you ever saw! Nancy Brilliant has a full suit come; she sent over her +measure, and it fits her to a hair; it is immensely dressy, and made for +a court-hoop. I thought they said the large hoops were going out of +fashion. + +CHARLOTTE. Did you see the hat? Is it a fact that the deep laces round +the border is still the fashion?] + +DIMPLE [_within_]. Upon my honour, sir. + +MARIA. Ha! Dimple's voice! My dear, I must take leave of you. There are +some things necessary to be done at our house. Can't I go through the +other room? + +_Enter DIMPLE and MANLY._ + +DIMPLE. Ladies, your most obedient. + +CHARLOTTE. Miss Van Rough, shall I present my brother Henry to you? +Colonel Manly, Maria--Miss Van Rough, brother. + +MARIA. Her brother! [_Turns and sees MANLY._] Oh! my heart! the very +gentleman I have been praising. + +MANLY. The same amiable girl I saw this morning! + +CHARLOTTE. Why, you look as if you were acquainted. + +MANLY. I unintentionally intruded into this lady's presence this +morning, for which she was so good as to promise me her forgiveness. + +CHARLOTTE. Oh! ho! is that the case! Have these two pensorosos been +together? Were they Henry's eyes that looked so tenderly? [_Aside._] And +so you promised to pardon him? and could you be so good-natured?--have +you really forgiven him? I beg you would do it for my sake [_Whispering +loud to MARIA._]. But, my dear, as you are in such haste, it would be +cruel to detain you; I can show you the way through the other room. + +MARIA. Spare me, my sprightly friend. + +MANLY. The lady does not, I hope, intend to deprive us of the pleasure +of her company so soon. + +CHARLOTTE. She has only a mantua-maker who waits for her at home. But, +as I am to give my opinion of the dress, I think she cannot go yet. We +were talking of the fashions when you came in, but I suppose the subject +must be changed to something of more importance now.--Mr. Dimple, will +you favour us with an account of the public entertainments? + +DIMPLE. Why, really, Miss Manly, you could not have asked me a question +more _mal-apropos_. For my part, I must confess that, to a man who has +traveled, there is nothing that is worthy the name of amusement to be +found in this city. + +CHARLOTTE. Except visiting the ladies. + +DIMPLE. Pardon me, madam; that is the avocation of a man of taste. But +for amusement, I positively know of nothing that can be called so, +unless you dignify with that title the hopping once a fortnight to the +sound of two or three squeaking fiddles, and the clattering of the old +tavern windows, or sitting to see the miserable mummers, whom you call +actors, murder comedy and make a farce of tragedy. + +MANLY. Do you never attend the theatre, sir? + +DIMPLE. I was tortured there once. + +CHARLOTTE. Pray, Mr. Dimple, was it a tragedy or a comedy? + +DIMPLE. Faith, madam, I cannot tell; for I sat with my back to the stage +all the time, admiring a much better actress than any there--a lady who +played the fine woman to perfection; though, by the laugh of the horrid +creatures round me, I suppose it was comedy. Yet, on second thoughts, it +might be some hero in a tragedy, dying so comically as to set the whole +house in an uproar.--Colonel, I presume you have been in Europe? + +MANLY. Indeed, sir, I was never ten leagues from the continent. + +DIMPLE. Believe me, Colonel, you have an immense pleasure to come; and +when you shall have seen the brilliant exhibitions of Europe, you will +learn to despise the amusements of this country as much as I do. + +MANLY. Therefore I do not wish to see them; for I can never esteem that +knowledge valuable which tends to give me a distaste for my native +country. + +DIMPLE. Well, Colonel, though you have not travelled, you have read. + +MANLY. I have, a little, and by it have discovered that there is a +laudable partiality which ignorant, untravelled men entertain for +everything that belongs to their native country. I call it laudable; it +injures no one; adds to their own happiness; and, when extended, becomes +the noble principle of patriotism. Travelled gentlemen rise superior, in +their own opinion, to this: but if the contempt which they contract for +their country is the most valuable acquisition of their travels, I am +far from thinking that their time and money are well spent. + +MARIA. What noble sentiments! + +CHARLOTTE. Let my brother set out from where he will in the fields of +conversation, he is sure to end his tour in the temple of gravity. + +MANLY. Forgive me, my sister. I love my country; it has its foibles +undoubtedly;--some foreigners will with pleasure remark them--but such +remarks fall very ungracefully from the lips of her citizens. + +DIMPLE. You are perfectly in the right, Colonel--America has her faults. + +MANLY. Yes, sir; and we, her children, should blush for them in private, +and endeavour, as individuals, to reform them. But, if our country has +its errors in common with other countries, I am proud to say America--I +mean the United States--have displayed virtues and achievements which +modern nations may admire, but of which they have seldom set us the +example. + +CHARLOTTE. But, brother, we must introduce you to some of our gay folks, +and let you see the city, such as it is. Mr. Dimple is known to almost +every family in town; he will doubtless take a pleasure in introducing +you. + +DIMPLE. I shall esteem every service I can render your brother an +honour. + +MANLY. I fear the business I am upon will take up all my time, and my +family will be anxious to hear from me. + +MARIA. His family! But what is it to me that he is married! [_Aside._] +Pray, how did you leave your lady, sir? + +CHARLOTTE. My brother is not married [_Observing her anxiety._]; it is +only an odd way he has of expressing himself. Pray, brother, is this +business, which you make your continual excuse, a secret? + +MANLY. No, sister; I came hither to solicit the honourable Congress, +that a number of my brave old soldiers may be put upon the pension-list, +who were, at first, not judged to be so materially wounded as to need +the public assistance. My sister says true [_To MARIA._]: I call my late +soldiers my family. Those who were not in the field in the late glorious +contest, and those who were, have their respective merits; but, I +confess, my old brother-soldiers are dearer to me than the former +description. Friendships made in adversity are lasting; our countrymen +may forget us, but that is no reason why we should forget one another. +But I must leave you; my time of engagement approaches. + +CHARLOTTE. Well, but, brother, if you will go, will you please to +conduct my fair friend home? You live in the same street--I was to have +gone with her myself--[_Aside._] A lucky thought. + +MARIA. I am obliged to your sister, sir, and was just intending to go. + [_Going._ + +MANLY. I shall attend her with pleasure. + [_Exit with MARIA, followed by DIMPLE and CHARLOTTE._] + +MARIA. Now, pray, don't betray me to your brother. + +[CHARLOTTE. [_Just as she sees him make a motion to take his leave._] One +word with you, brother, if you please. + + [_Follows them out._ + +_Manent DIMPLE and LETITIA._ + +DIMPLE. You received the billet I sent you, I presume? + +LETITIA. Hush!--Yes. + +DIMPLE. When shall I pay my respects to you? + +LETITIA. At eight I shall be unengaged. + +_Re-enter CHARLOTTE._ + +DIMPLE. Did my lovely angel receive my billet? [_To CHARLOTTE._ + +CHARLOTTE. Yes. + +DIMPLE. What hour shall I expect with impatience? + +CHARLOTTE. At eight I shall be at home unengaged. + +DIMPLE. Unfortunately! I have a horrid engagement of business at that +hour. Can't you finish your visit earlier, and let six be the happy +hour? + +CHARLOTTE. You know your influence over me.] + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + +SCENE II. _VAN ROUGH'S House._ + +VAN ROUGH [_alone_]. + +It cannot possibly be true! The son of my old friend can't have acted so +unadvisedly. Seventeen thousand pounds! in bills! Mr. Transfer must have +been mistaken. He always appeared so prudent, and talked so well upon +money-matters, and even assured me that he intended to change his dress +for a suit of clothes which would not cost so much, and look more +substantial, as soon as he married. No, no, no! it can't be; it cannot +be. But, however, I must look out sharp. I did not care what his +principles or his actions were, so long as he minded the main chance. +Seventeen thousand pounds! If he had lost it in trade, why the best men +may have ill-luck; but to game it away, as Transfer says--why, at this +rate, his whole estate may go in one night, and, what is ten times +worse, mine into the bargain. No, no; Mary is right. Leave women to look +out in these matters; for all they look as if they didn't know a journal +from a ledger, when their interest is concerned they know what's what; +they mind the main chance as well as the best of us--I wonder Mary did +not tell me she knew of his spending his money so foolishly. Seventeen +thousand pounds! Why, if my daughter was standing up to be married, I +would forbid the banns, if I found it was to a man who did not mind the +main chance.--Hush! I hear somebody coming. 'Tis Mary's voice: a man +with her too! I shou'dn't be surprised if this should be the other +string to her bow. Aye, aye, let them alone; women understand the main +chance.--Though, i' faith, I'll listen a little. + + [_Retires into a closet._ + +_MANLY leading in MARIA._ + +MANLY. I hope you will excuse my speaking upon so important a subject so +abruptly; but, the moment I entered your room, you struck me as the lady +whom I had long loved in imagination, and never hoped to see. + +MARIA. Indeed, sir, I have been led to hear more upon this subject than +I ought. + +MANLY. Do you, then, disapprove my suit, madam, or the abruptness of my +introducing it? If the latter, my peculiar situation, being obliged to +leave the city in a few days, will, I hope, be my excuse; if the former, +I will retire, for I am sure I would not give a moment's inquietude to +her whom I could devote my life to please. I am not so indelicate as to +seek your immediate approbation; permit me only to be near you, and by a +thousand tender assiduities to endeavour to excite a grateful return. + +MARIA. I have a father, whom I would die to make happy; he will +disapprove-- + +MANLY. Do you think me so ungenerous as to seek a place in your esteem +without his consent? You must--you ever ought to consider that man as +unworthy of you who seeks an interest in your heart, contrary to a +father's approbation. A young lady should reflect that the loss of a +lover may be supplied, but nothing can compensate for the loss of a +parent's affection. Yet, why do you suppose your father would +disapprove? In our country, the affections are not sacrificed to riches +or family-aggrandizement: should you approve, my family is decent, and +my rank honourable. + +MARIA. You distress me, sir. + +MANLY. Then I will sincerely beg your excuse for obtruding so +disagreeable a subject, and retire. [_Going._ + +MARIA. Stay, sir! your generosity and good opinion of me deserve a +return; but why must I declare what, for these few hours, I have scarce +suffered myself to think?--I am-- + +MANLY. What? + +MARIA. Engaged, sir; and, in a few days, to be married to the gentleman +you saw at your sister's. + +MANLY. Engaged to be married! And have I been basely invading the rights +of another? Why have you permitted this? Is this the return for the +partiality I declared for you? + +MARIA. You distress me, sir. What would you have me say? You are too +generous to wish the truth. Ought I to say that I dared not suffer +myself to think of my engagement, and that I am going to give my hand +without my heart? Would you have me confess a partiality for you? If so, +your triumph is complete, and can be only more so when days of misery +with the man I cannot love will make me think of him whom I prefer. + +MANLY. [_After a pause._]. We are both unhappy; but it is your duty to +obey your parent--mine to obey my honour. Let us, therefore, both follow +the path of rectitude; and of this we may be assured, that if we are not +happy, we shall, at least, deserve to be so. Adieu! I dare not trust +myself longer with you. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + +_End of the Fourth Act._ + + + + +ACT V. + + +SCENE I. _DIMPLE'S Lodgings._ + +JESSAMY [_meeting JONATHAN_]. + +Well, Mr. Jonathan, what success with the fair? + +JONATHAN. Why, such a tarnal cross tike you never saw! You would have +counted she had lived upon crab-apples and vinegar for a fortnight. But +what the rattle makes you look so tarnation glum? + +JESSAMY. I was thinking, Mr. Jonathan, what could be the reason of her +carrying herself so coolly to you. + +JONATHAN. Coolly, do you call it? Why, I vow, she was fire-hot angry: +may be it was because I buss'd her. + +JESSAMY. No, no, Mr. Jonathan; there must be some other cause: I never +yet knew a lady angry at being kissed. + +JONATHAN. Well, if it is not the young woman's bashfulness, I vow I +can't conceive why she shou'dn't like me. + +JESSAMY. May be it is because you have not the graces, Mr. Jonathan. + +JONATHAN. Grace! Why, does the young woman expect I must be converted +before I court her? + +JESSAMY. I mean graces of person: for instance, my lord tells us that we +must cut off our nails even at top, in small segments of circles--though +you won't understand that--In the next place, you must regulate your +laugh. + +JONATHAN. Maple-log seize it! don't I laugh natural? + +JESSAMY. That's the very fault, Mr. Jonathan. Besides, you absolutely +misplace it. I was told by a friend of mine that you laughed outright at +the play the other night, when you ought only to have tittered. + +JONATHAN. Gor! I--what does one go to see fun for if they can't laugh? + +JESSAMY. You may laugh; but you must laugh by rule. + +JONATHAN. Swamp it--laugh by rule! Well, I should like that tarnally. + +JESSAMY. Why, you know, Mr. Jonathan, that to dance, a lady to play with +her fan, or a gentleman with his cane, and all other natural motions, +are regulated by art. My master has composed an immensely pretty gamut, +by which any lady or gentleman, with a few years' close application, may +learn to laugh as gracefully as if they were born and bred to it. + +JONATHAN. Mercy on my soul! A gamut for laughing--just like fa, la, sol? + +JESSAMY. Yes. It comprises every possible display of jocularity, from an +_affettuoso_ smile to a _piano_ titter, or full chorus _fortissimo_ ha, +ha, ha! My master employs his leisure-hours in marking out the plays, +like a cathedral chanting-book, that the ignorant may know where to +laugh; and that pit, box, and gallery may keep time together, and not +have a snigger in one part of the house, a broad grin in the other, and +a d----d grum look in the third. How delightful to see the audience all +smile together, then look on their books, then twist their mouths into +an agreeable simper, then altogether shake the house with a general ha, +ha, ha! loud as a full chorus of Handel's at an Abbey-commemoration. + +JONATHAN. Ha, ha, ha! that's dang'd cute, I swear. + +JESSAMY. The gentlemen, you see, will laugh the tenor; the ladies will +play the counter-tenor; the beaux will squeak the treble; and our jolly +friends in the gallery a thorough bass, ho, ho, ho! + +JONATHAN. Well, can't you let me see that gamut? + +JESSAMY. Oh! yes, Mr. Jonathan; here it is. [_Takes out a book._] Oh! +no, this is only a titter with its variations. Ah, here it is. [_Takes +out another._] Now, you must know, Mr. Jonathan, this is a piece written +by Ben Johnson [_sic_], which I have set to my master's gamut. The +places where you must smile, look grave, or laugh outright, are marked +below the line. Now look over me. "There was a certain man"--now you +must smile. + +JONATHAN. Well, read it again; I warrant I'll mind my eye. + +JESSAMY. "There was a certain man, who had a sad scolding wife,"--now +you must laugh. + +JONATHAN. Tarnation! That's no laughing matter though. + +JESSAMY. "And she lay sick a-dying;"--now you must titter. + +JONATHAN. What, snigger when the good woman's a-dying! Gor, I-- + +JESSAMY. Yes, the notes say you must--"And she asked her husband leave +to make a will,"--now you must begin to look grave;--"and her husband +said"-- + +JONATHAN. Aye, what did her husband say?--Something dang'd cute, I +reckon. + +JESSAMY. "And her husband said, you have had your will all your +life-time, and would you have it after you are dead, too?" + +JONATHAN. Ho, ho, ho! There the old man was even with her; he was up to +the notch--ha, ha, ha! + +JESSAMY. But, Mr. Jonathan, you must not laugh so. Why, you ought to +have tittered _piano_, and you have laughed _fortissimo_. Look here; you +see these marks, A, B, C, and so on; these are the references to the +other part of the book. Let us turn to it, and you will see the +directions how to manage the muscles. This [_Turns over._] was note D +you blundered at.--"You must purse the mouth into a smile, then titter, +discovering the lower part of the three front upper teeth." + +JONATHAN. How? read it again. + +JESSAMY. "There was a certain man"--very well!--"who had a sad scolding +wife,"--why don't you laugh? + +JONATHAN. Now, that scolding wife sticks in my gizzard so pluckily that +I can't laugh for the blood and nowns of me. Let me look grave here, and +I'll laugh your belly full, where the old creature's a-dying. + +JESSAMY. "And she asked her husband"--[_Bell rings._] My master's bell! +he's returned, I fear.--Here, Mr. Jonathan, take this gamut; and I make +no doubt but with a few years' close application, you may be able to +smile gracefully. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + +SCENE II. _CHARLOTTE'S Apartment._ + +_Enter MANLY._ + +MANLY. What, no one at home? How unfortunate to meet the only lady my +heart was ever moved by, to find her engaged to another, and confessing +her partiality for me! Yet engaged to a man who, by her intimation, and +his libertine conversation with me, I fear, does not merit her. Aye! +there's the sting; for, were I assured that Maria was happy, my heart is +not so selfish but that it would dilate in knowing it, even though it +were with another. But to know she is unhappy!--I must drive these +thoughts from me. Charlotte has some books; and this is what I believe +she calls her little library. + + [_Enters a closet._ + +_Enter DIMPLE leading LETITIA._ + +LETITIA. And will you pretend to say now, Mr. Dimple, that you propose +to break with Maria? Are not the banns published? Are not the clothes +purchased? Are not the friends invited? In short, is it not a done +affair? + +DIMPLE. Believe me, my dear Letitia, I would not marry her. + +LETITIA. Why have you not broke with her before this, as you all along +deluded me by saying you would? + +DIMPLE. Because I was in hopes she would, ere this, have broke with me. + +LETITIA. You could not expect it. + +DIMPLE. Nay, but be calm a moment; 'twas from my regard to you that I +did not discard her. + +LETITIA. Regard to me! + +DIMPLE. Yes; I have done everything in my power to break with her, but +the foolish girl is so fond of me that nothing can accomplish it. +Besides, how can I offer her my hand when my heart is indissolubly +engaged to you? + +LETITIA. There may be reason in this; but why so attentive to Miss +Manly? + +DIMPLE. Attentive to Miss Manly! For heaven's sake, if you have no +better opinion of my constancy, pay not so ill a compliment to my taste. + +[LETITIA. Did I not see you whisper to her to-day? + +DIMPLE. Possibly I might--but something of so very trifling a nature +that I have already forgot what it was. + +LETITIA. I believe she has not forgot it. + +DIMPLE. My dear creature,] how can you for a moment suppose I should +have any serious thoughts of that trifling, gay, flighty coquette, that +disagreeable-- + +_Enter CHARLOTTE._ + +DIMPLE. My dear Miss Manly, I rejoice to see you; there is a charm in +your conversation that always marks your entrance into company as +fortunate. + +LETITIA. Where have you been, my dear? + +CHARLOTTE. Why, I have been about to twenty shops, turning over pretty +things, and so have left twenty visits unpaid. I wish you would step +into the carriage and whisk round, make my apology, and leave my cards +where our friends are not at home; that, you know, will serve as a +visit. Come, do go. + +LETITIA. So anxious to get me out! but I'll watch you. [_Aside._] Oh! +yes, I'll go; I want a little exercise. Positively [_DIMPLE offering to +accompany her._], Mr. Dimple, you shall not go; why, half my visits are +cake and caudle visits; it won't do, you know, for you to go. [_Exit, +but returns to the door in the back scene and listens._] + +DIMPLE. This attachment of your brother to Maria is fortunate. + +CHARLOTTE. How did you come to the knowledge of it? + +DIMPLE. I read it in their eyes. + +CHARLOTTE. And I had it from her mouth. It would have amused you to have +seen her! She, that thought it so great an impropriety to praise a +gentleman that she could not bring out one word in your favour, found a +redundancy to praise him. + +DIMPLE. I have done everything in my power to assist his passion there: +your delicacy, my dearest girl, would be shocked at half the instances +of neglect and misbehaviour. + +CHARLOTTE. I don't know how I should bear neglect; but Mr. Dimple must +misbehave himself indeed, to forfeit my good opinion. + +DIMPLE. Your good opinion, my angel, is the pride and pleasure of my +heart; and if the most respectful tenderness for you, and an utter +indifference for all your sex besides, can make me worthy of your +esteem, I shall richly merit it. + +CHARLOTTE. All my sex besides, Mr. Dimple!--you forgot your +_tete-a-tete_ with Letitia. + +DIMPLE. How can you, my lovely angel, cast a thought on that insipid, +wry-mouthed, ugly creature! + +CHARLOTTE. But her fortune may have charms? + +DIMPLE. Not to a heart like mine. The man, who has been blessed with the +good opinion of my Charlotte, must despise the allurements of fortune. + +CHARLOTTE. I am satisfied. + +DIMPLE. Let us think no more on the odious subject, but devote the +present hour to happiness. + +CHARLOTTE. Can I be happy when I see the man I prefer going to be +married to another? + +DIMPLE. Have I not already satisfied my charming angel that I can never +think of marrying the puling Maria? But, even if it were so, could that +be any bar to our happiness? for, as the poet sings, + + _Love, free as air, at sight of human ties, + Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies._ + +Come, then, my charming angel! why delay our bliss? The present moment +is ours; the next is in the hand of fate. + + [_Kissing her._ + +CHARLOTTE. Begone, sir! By your delusions you had almost lulled my +honour asleep. + +DIMPLE. Let me lull the demon to sleep again with kisses. [_He struggles +with her; she screams._] + +_Enter MANLY._ + +MANLY. Turn, villain! and defend yourself. [_Draws._] + +_VAN ROUGH enters and beats down their swords._ + +VAN ROUGH. Is the devil in you? are you going to murder one another? + + [_Holding DIMPLE._ + +DIMPLE. Hold him, hold him,--I can command my passion. + +_Enter JONATHAN._ + +JONATHAN. What the rattle ails you? Is the old one in you? let the +Colonel alone, can't you? I feel chock full of fight,--do you want to +kill the Colonel?-- + +MANLY. Be still, Jonathan; the gentleman does not want to hurt me. + +JONATHAN. Gor! I--I wish he did; I'd shew him yankee boys play, pretty +quick.--Don't you see you have frightened the young woman into the +_hystrikes_? + +VAN ROUGH. Pray, some of you explain this; what has been the occasion of +all this racket? + +MANLY. That gentleman can explain it to you; it will be a very diverting +story for an intended father-in-law to hear. + +VAN ROUGH. How was this matter, Mr. Van Dumpling? + +DIMPLE. Sir,--upon my honour,--all I know is, that I was talking to this +young lady, and this gentleman broke in on us in a very extraordinary +manner. + +VAN ROUGH. Why, all this is nothing to the purpose; can you explain it, +Miss? [_To CHARLOTTE._] + +_Enter LETITIA_ [_through the back scene_]. + +LETITIA. I can explain it to that gentleman's confusion. Though long +betrothed to your daughter [_To VAN ROUGH._], yet, allured by my +fortune, it seems (with shame do I speak it) he has privately paid his +addresses to me. I was drawn in to listen to him by his assuring me that +the match was made by his father without his consent, and that he +proposed to break with Maria, whether he married me or not. But, +whatever were his intentions respecting your daughter, sir, even to me +he was false; for he has repeated the same story, with some cruel +reflections upon my person, to Miss Manly. + +JONATHAN. What a tarnal curse! + +LETITIA. Nor is this all, Miss Manly. When he was with me this very +morning, he made the same ungenerous reflections upon the weakness of +your mind as he has so recently done upon the defects of my person. + +JONATHAN. What a tarnal curse and damn, too! + +DIMPLE. Ha! since I have lost Letitia, I believe I had as good make it +up with Maria. Mr. Van Rough, at present I cannot enter into +particulars; but, I believe, I can explain everything to your +satisfaction in private. + +VAN ROUGH. There is another matter, Mr. Van Dumpling, which I would have +you explain:--pray, sir, have Messrs. Van Cash & Co. presented you those +bills for acceptance? + +DIMPLE. The deuce! Has he heard of those bills! Nay, then, all's up with +Maria, too; but an affair of this sort can never prejudice me among the +ladies; they will rather long to know what the dear creature possesses +to make him so agreeable. [_Aside._] Sir, you'll hear from me. [_To +MANLY._] + +MANLY. And you from me, sir.-- + +DIMPLE. Sir, you wear a sword.-- + +MANLY. Yes, sir. This sword was presented to me by that brave Gallic +hero, the Marquis DE LA FAYETTE. I have drawn it in the service of my +country, and in private life, on the only occasion where a man is +justified in drawing his sword, in defence of a lady's honour. I have +fought too many battles in the service of my country to dread the +imputation of cowardice. Death from a man of honour would be a glory you +do not merit; you shall live to bear the insult of man and the contempt +of that sex whose general smiles afforded you all your happiness. + +DIMPLE. You won't meet me, sir? Then I'll post you for a coward. + +MANLY. I'll venture that, sir. The reputation of my life does not depend +upon the breath of a Mr. Dimple. I would have you to know, however, sir, +that I have a cane to chastise the insolence of a scoundrel, and a sword +and the good laws of my country to protect me from the attempts of an +assassin.-- + +DIMPLE. Mighty well! Very fine, indeed! Ladies and gentlemen, I take my +leave; and you will please to observe, in the case of my deportment, the +contrast between a gentleman who has read Chesterfield and received the +polish of Europe, and an unpolished, untravelled American. + + [_Exit._ + +_Enter MARIA._ + +MARIA. Is he indeed gone?-- + +LETITIA. I hope, never to return. + +VAN ROUGH. I am glad I heard of those bills; though it's plaguy unlucky; +I hoped to see Mary married before I died. + +MANLY. Will you permit a gentleman, sir, to offer himself as a suitor to +your daughter? Though a stranger to you, he is not altogether so to her, +or unknown in the city. You may find a son-in-law of more fortune, but +you can never meet with one who is richer in love for her, or respect +for you. + +VAN ROUGH. Why, Mary, you have not let this gentleman make love to you +without my leave? + +MANLY. I did not say, sir-- + +MARIA. Say, sir!--I--the gentleman, to be sure, met me accidentally. + +VAN ROUGH. Ha, ha, ha! Mark me, Mary; young folks think old folks to be +fools; but old folks know young folks to be fools. Why, I knew all about +this affair:--This was only a cunning way I had to bring it about. Hark +ye! I was in the closet when you and he were at our house. [_Turns to +the company._] I heard that little baggage say she loved her old father, +and would die to make him happy! Oh! how I loved the little +baggage!--And you talked very prudently, young man. I have inquired into +your character, and find you to be a man of punctuality and mind the +main chance. And so, as you love Mary, and Mary loves you, shall have my +consent immediately to be married. I'll settle my fortune on you, and +go and live with you the remainder of my life. + +MANLY. Sir, I hope-- + +VAN ROUGH. Come, come, no fine speeches; mind the main chance, young +man, and you and I shall always agree. + +LETITIA. I sincerely wish you joy [_Advancing to MARIA._]; and hope your +pardon for my conduct. + +MARIA. I thank you for your congratulations, and hope we shall at once +forget the wretch who has given us so much disquiet, and the trouble +that he has occasioned. + +CHARLOTTE. And I, my dear Maria,--how shall I look up to you for +forgiveness? I, who, in the practice of the meanest arts, have violated +the most sacred rights of friendship? I can never forgive myself, or +hope charity from the world; but, I confess, I have much to hope from +such a brother; and I am happy that I may soon say, such a sister. + +MARIA. My dear, you distress me; you have all my love. + +MANLY. And mine. + +CHARLOTTE. If repentance can entitle me to forgiveness, I have already +much merit; for I despise the littleness of my past conduct. I now find +that the heart of any worthy man cannot be gained by invidious attacks +upon the rights and characters of others;--by countenancing the +addresses of a thousand;--or that the finest assemblage of features, the +greatest taste in dress, the genteelest address, or the most brilliant +wit, cannot eventually secure a coquette from contempt and ridicule. + +MANLY. And I have learned that probity, virtue, honour, though they +should not have received the polish of Europe, will secure to an honest +American the good graces of his fair countrywomen, and, I hope, the +applause of THE PUBLIC. + +_The End._ + +FOOTNOTES: + +[4] The omitted passages in the First Edition, indicated by inverted +commas, are here enclosed in heavy brackets. + +[5] A page reproduction of the original music is given in the Dunlap +reprint of this play. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Contrast, by Royall Tyler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONTRAST *** + +***** This file should be named 29228.txt or 29228.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/2/2/29228/ + +Produced by David Starner, Brownfox and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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