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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29303-h.zip b/29303-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f6ebf6f --- /dev/null +++ b/29303-h.zip diff --git a/29303-h/29303-h.htm b/29303-h/29303-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1521e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/29303-h/29303-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1569 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Operation Earthworm, by Joe Archibald + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} + h1,h2 {text-align: right; font-weight: normal; line-height: 2em;} + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .trn {border: solid 1px; margin: 3em 15%; padding: 1em; text-align: justify;} + .bk1 {margin: 1em auto 3em; border-top: solid 2px; border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bk2 {float: left; width: 15em; margin: 1em 2em 1em 0;} + .pr1 {line-height: 1.5em; margin-top: 4em;} + hr {width: 45%; margin: 1em auto; visibility: hidden;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + p.cap:first-letter {float: left; margin-right: .05em; padding-top: .05em; font-size: 300%; line-height: .8em; width: auto;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Operation Earthworm, by Joe Archibald + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Operation Earthworm + +Author: Joe Archibald + +Release Date: July 3, 2009 [EBook #29303] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION EARTHWORM *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="bk1"><p><i><small>Here he is again, the irrepressible Septimus Spink, in a tale as rollicking as +an elder giant juggling the stars and the planets in his great, golden hands +and laughing mirthfully as one tiny world—our own—goes spinning away +from him into caverns measureless to man. With specifications drawn to scale, +Joe Archibald, whose versatility with the quill never ceases to amaze us, has +managed with slangy insouciance to achieve a rare triumph over space and +time, and to aureole Spink in a resplendent sunburst of imperishable renown.</small></i></p></div> + +<div class="bk2"><h1><b>operation<br /> +earthworm</b></h1> + +<h2><small><i>by ... Joe Archibald</i></small></h2> + +<p class="pr1"><big><b>Septimus Spink didn't need to read Jules Verne's "Journey to +the Center of the Earth." He had more amazing ideas of his own.</b></big></p></div> + +<p><i>Interplanetary Press, Circa 2022—Septimus +Spink, the first Earthman +to reach and return from New +Mu in a flying saucer, threw a +hydroactive bombshell into the +meeting of the leading cosmogonists +at the University of Cincinnatus today. +The amazing Spink, uninvited, +crashed this august body of scientists +and laughed at a statement +made by Professor Apsox Zalpha as +to the origin of Earth and other +planets.</i></p> + +<p><i>"That theory is older than the +discovery of the antiquated zipper," +Spink orated. "Ha, you big plexidomes +still believe the Earth was +condensed from a filament, and was +ejected by the sun under the gravitational +attraction of a big star passing +close to the Earth's surface. +First it was a liquid drop and cooling +solidified it after a period of a +few million years. You citizens still +think it has a liquid core. Some of +you think it is pretty hot inside like +they had atomic furnaces all fired +up. Ha, the exterior ain't so hot +either what with taxes we have to +pay after seven wars."</i></p> + +<p><i>Professor Yzylch Mgogylvy, of +the University of Juno, took violent +exception to Septimus Spink's derisive +attitude and stoutly defended +the theory of adiabatic expansion. +It was at this juncture that Spink +practically disintegrated the meeting.</i></p> + +<p><i>"For the last seventy years," he +orated, "all we have thought about +was outer space. All that we +have been hepped up about is what +is up in the attic and have forgot +the cellar. What proof has any +knucklehelmet got that nobody lives +far under the coal mines and the oil +pockets? Something lives everywhere! +Adam never believed anythin' +lived in water until he was bit +by a crab. Gentlemen, I am announcin' +for the benefit of the press and +everybody from here to Mars and +Jupiter and back that I intend to +explore inner space! I have already +got the project underway."</i></p> + +<p><i>A near panic ensued as representatives +of the press made for the +audio-viso stellartypes. "You think +volcanoes are caused by heat generated +far down inside the earth. They +are only boils or carbuncles. Awright, +where do earthquakes come +from?" Here Spink laughed once +more. "They are elastic waves sent +out through the body of the Earth, +huh? Their observed times of transmission +give a means of finding +their velocities of propagation at +great depths. I read that in a book +that should be in the Terra-firmament +Institute along with the Spirit +of St. Louis."</i></p> + +<p><i>Septimus Spink walked out at this +point, surrounded by Interplanetary +scribes, one of whom was Exmud R. +Zmorro. Spink informed the Fourteenth +Estate that he would let them +have a gander at the model of his +inner space machine in due time. +He inferred that one of his financial +backers in the fabulous enterprise +was Aquintax Djupont, and +that the fact that Djupont had recently +been brain-washed at the +Neuropsychiatorium in Metropolita +had no bearing on the case whatsoever.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="smcap">I am</span> seeing and listening to that +news item right now which has +been repeated a dozen times the last +twenty-four hours as if nobody +could believe it. I am Septimus +Spink, and descended from a long +line of Spinks that began somewhere +back at the time they put up +the pyramids.</p> + +<p>All my ancestors was never satisfied +with what progress they saw +during when they lived, and they +are the reasons we have got where +we are today. And if there was no +Spinks today the scientists would +get away with saying that the Earth +was only a drop from the sun that +got a crust on it after millions of +years. And they want to send me +back to get fitted for a duronylon +strait jacket again.</p> + +<p>An hour after I shut off the viso-screen, +and while I am taking my +calves' liver and onion capsules, my +friend and space-lanceman, D'Ambrosia +Zahooli comes in. He just +qualifies as a spaceman as he takes +up very little and is not much easier +to look at than a Nougatine. Once +D'Ambrosia applied for a plasticectomy +but the surgeons at the Muzayo +clinic just laughed and told +him there was a limit to science even +in the year 2022. But the citizen +was at home when they divided the +brains. Of course that is only my +opinion. He is to fly with me into +inner space.</p> + +<p>"Greetin's and salutations, and as +the Martians say, 'max nabiscum,' +Sep," Zahooli says. "I have been +figuring that we won't have to go +deeper than about four thousand +kilometers. All that is worryin' me +is gettin' back up. I still do not +fully believe that we won't melt. +Supposin' Professor Zalpha is right +and that we will dive down into a +core of live iron ore. You have seen +them pour it out of the big dippers +in the mills, Sep."</p> + +<p>"Columbus started off like us," I +says. "Who knew what he would +find or where he ended up? Chris +expected to fall right off the edge +of the world, but did that scare +him? No!"</p> + +<p>"Of course you can count on +me," Zahooli says. "When do we +start building this mechanical +mole?"</p> + +<p>"In just two days," I says. "Our +backers have purchased an extinct +spaceship factory not far from Commonwealth +Seven. Yeah, we will +call our project 'Operation Earthworm,' +pal."</p> + +<p>D'Ambrosia sits down and starts +looking chicken. "We wouldn't get +no astrogator in his right mind to +go with us, Sep. How many times +the thrust will we need over what +we would use if we was just cutting +space? We start out in about a foot +of topsoil, then some hard rock and +then more hard rock. Can we harness +enough energy to last through +the diggin'? Do you mind if I +change my mind for a very good +reason which is that I'm an awful +coward?"</p> + +<p>"Of course not," I says. "It +would be a coincidence if you quit +though, my dear old friend, and +right after Coordinator One found +out who was sipping Jovian drambuie +on a certain space bistro last +Monday with his Venutian wife."</p> + +<p>"You have sold me," Zahooli +says. "I wouldn't miss this trip for +one of those four-legged turkey +farms up in Maine. It is kind of +frustratin' though, don't you think, +Septimus? We are still not thirty +and could live another hundred +years what with the new arteries +they are making out of Nucrolon +and the new tickers they are replacing +for the old ones."</p> + +<p>"Let us look over the model +again," I says. "You are just moody +today, D'Ambrosia."</p> + +<p>It still looks like it would work +to me. It is just a rocket ship pointed +toward terra firma instead of +the other way, and has an auger +fixed in place at the nose. It is about +twenty feet long and four feet wide +and made out of the strongest metal +known to modern science, cryptoplutonite. +It won't heat up or break +off and it will start spinning around +as soon as we cut loose with the tail +blasts.</p> + +<p>"How much time do we need and +how much energy for only four +thousand kilometers?" I asks Zahooli. +"We got enough stored up to +go seventy million miles into space? +We'll cross that bridge when we +get to the river."</p> + +<p>"You mean the Styx?"</p> + +<p>"That is one thing I will not believe," +I sniff. "We will never find +Attila the Hun or Hitler down +there. Or Beelzebub."</p> + +<p>All at once we hear a big rumbling +noise and the plexidomed +house we are in shakes and rattles +and we are knocked out of our chairs +and deposited on the seats of our +corylon rompers. The viso-screen +blacks out, I get to all fours and +ask, "You think the Nougatines +have gone to war again, D'Ambrosia?"</p> + +<p>"It was not mice," Zahooli gulps. +"It is either a hydroradium plant +backfired or a good old-fashioned +earthquake."</p> + +<p>After a while we have the viso-screen +working. The face of Coordinator +Five appears. He says the +worst earthquake in five centuries +has happened. There is a crack in +the real estate of Department X6 +near the Rockies that makes the +Grand Canyon look like a kid just +scraped a stick through some mud. +Infra-Red Cross units, he says, are +rocketing to the area.</p> + +<p>"There might be somethin' goin' +on inside this earth," I says. "If you +don't poke a hole in a baked potato +its busts right open from heat generated +inside. Our project, D'Ambrosia, +seems even more expedient +than ever."</p> + +<p>"That is a new word for 'insane' +I must look up," Zahooli +says.</p> + +<p>Professor Apsox Zalpha comes +out with a statement the next morning. +He says the quake confirms his +theory that the inside of the Earth +is as hot as a Venutian calypso number, +and that gases are being generated +by the heat and that we haven't +volcanoes enough on the surface to +allow them to escape.</p> + +<p>Exmud R. Zmorro comes and +asks me if I have an opinion.</p> + +<p>"Ha," I laugh. "I have many on +file in the Neuropsychiatorium. Just +go and take your pick. However, I +will give you one ad lib and sub +rosa. There is more downstairs than +Professor Zalpha dreams about. +Who is he to say there is no civilization +in inner space as well as outer? +How do we know that there is not a +globe inside a globe with some kind +of space or atmosphere in between?"</p> + +<p>Exmud R. Zmorro says thanks +and leaves in quite a hurry. I snap +off the gadget and head for my +rocket jeep, and fifteen seconds +later I am walking into the factory +where a hundred citizens are already +at work on the inner spaceship. It +is listing a little to port from the +quake but the head mech says it will +be all straightened out in a few +hours. It is just a skeleton ship at +the moment with the auger already +in place and the point about three +feet into the ground.</p> + +<p>D'Ambrosia Zahooli comes in +and says he has been to see Commander +Bizmuth Aquinox. "He +will give just enough of the atom +pile for seventy million miles," he +says. "And only enough superhydrogenerated +radium to push us +twenty million miles, Sep. I think +we should write to Number One. I +explained to the space brass that we +have got to come up again after +going down and have to reverse the +blast tubes. It is radium we have to +have to make the return trip. I says +a half a pound would do it. You +know what I think? I bet they don't +believe we'll ever git back. And +was their laughs dirty!"</p> + +<p>"Skeptics have lived since the beginnin' +of time," I scoff. "They +laughed at Leonardo da Vinci, Columbus, +Edison, a guy named +Durante. Even the guy who first sat +down at a pianer. We will take +what we can git, pal, and then come +back and laugh at them."</p> + +<p>"I wish you was more convincin'," +D'Ambrosia says. "I have +claustrophobia and would hate to +git stuck in an over-sized fountain +pen halfway to the middle of this +earth."</p> + +<p>"Hand me those plans," I says +sharply. "And stop scarin' me."</p> + +<p>Three months later we have it +made. Technicians come from four +planets to look at the Magnificent +Mole. The area is alive with members +of the Interplanetary Press, the +Cosmic News Bureau, and the Universe +Feature Service. Two perspiring +citizens arrive and tear up two +insurance policies right in front of +my eyes. An old buddy of mine in +the war against the Nougatines says +he wants to go with me. His name +is Axitope Wurpz. He has been flying +cargo between Earth and Parsnipia +and says he is quite unable to +explain certain expense items in his +book. A Parsnipian D.A. is trying +to serve him a subpoena.</p> + +<p>"You are in, Axie," I says. "A +crew of three is enough as that is +about all the oxygen we can store +up. Meet D'Ambrosia Zahooli."</p> + +<p>"Why is he wearing a mask?" +Wurpz quips.</p> + +<p>"You are as funny as a plutonium +crutch," Zahooli says.</p> + +<p>"No hard feelin's," Wurpz says, +and takes a small flask out of his +pocket. "We will drink to Operation +Earthworm."</p> + +<p>As might have been expected, we +run into some snags. The Euthanasia +Society serve us with papers +as they maintain nobody can commit +suicide in the year 2022 without +permission from the Board. Gulflex +and other oil companies protest to +Number One as they say we might +open up a hole that will spill all the +petroleum out of the earth all at +once, so fast they couldn't refine it. +A spark could ignite it and set the +globe on fire like it was a brandied +Christmas pudding. But then another +earthquake shakes Earth from +the rice fields of China to the llamas +in Peru just when it looks as if we +were about to be tossed into an +outer space pokey.</p> + +<p>The seismologists get together +and agree that they can't possibly +figure out the depth of the focus +and state that the long waves have +to pass through the epicenter or +some such spot underground. Anyway, +all the brass agrees that something +is going on in inner space not +according to Hoyle or Euclid or +anybody else and that we three characters +might just hit on something +of scientific value.</p> + +<p>The Magnificent Mole is built +mostly of titanium, a metal which +is only about half as heavy as steel +and twice as rugged. It is not quite +as big in diameter as the auger, for +if it was any Martian moron knows +we would scrape our sides away +before we got down three miles. +We store concentrated chow to last +six months and get the acceleration +couches ready. We are to blast down +at eighteen point oh-four hours, +Friday, May 26th, 2022. Today is +Wednesday. The big space brass, +the fourteenth estate haunt the spot +marked X.</p> + +<p>We get it both barrels from the +jokers carrying press cards. They +call it Operation Upside Down. At +last three characters were really going +to dig a hole and pull it in after +them. Three hours before Dig-day, +Exmud R. Zmorro interviews us. +We are televised around the orbit.</p> + +<p>"Laying all joking aside, Spink," +the news analyst says dolefully, +"you don't expect this to work."</p> + +<p>"Of courst!" I says emphatically. +"You forget the first man to reach +New Mu was a Spink. A Spink +helped Columbus wade ashore in +the West Indies. The first man to +invent a road-map all citizens could +unfold and understand was a +Spink."</p> + +<p>Zmorro turns to Zahooli and +Wurpz. "Don't ask us anythin'!" +they yelp in unison. "You would +only git a silly answer."</p> + +<p>"A world inside of a world you +said once, Spink. Ha—"</p> + +<p>"Is that impossible? You have +seen those ancient sailing ships built +inside of a bottle, Mr. Zmorro," I +says.</p> + +<p>He paws at his dome and takes +a hyperbenzadrine tablet. "Well, +thank you, Septimus Spink. And +have a good trip."</p> + +<p>It is Friday. We climb up the +ladder and into the Magnificent +Mole. "Check everything," I says to +Wurpz. "You are the sub-strata +astrogator."</p> + +<p>"Rogeria. I hope this worm can +turn," Wurpz says.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Zahooli checks the instruments. +We don't put on space suits, but +have a pressure chamber built in to +insure against the bends. I wave +good-bye to the citizens outside and +close the door.</p> + +<p>"I have got to git out," D'Ambrosia +Zahooli says and heads for +the door. "I forgot somethin'."</p> + +<p>"Huh?"</p> + +<p>"I forgot to resign," he says, and +I pull a disintegrator Betsy on him +and tell him to hop back to the controls.</p> + +<p>"Awright, we have computed the +masses of fuel we need. Stand by +for the takeoff—er, takedown. +Eight seconds. Seven—Six—Five—Four—"</p> + +<p>"I know now my mother raised +one idiot," Zahooli says.</p> + +<p>"Three seconds—two seconds—one +second!" I go on. "Awright, +unload the pile in one and three +tubes! Then when we have gone +about five hundred miles, give us +the radium push."</p> + +<p>Whir-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-o-o-om! The +Mole shudders like a citizen looking +at his income tax bite and then starts +boring. There is a big bright light +all around us, changing color every +second, then there is a sound like +all the pneumatomic drills in all the +universe is biting through a thousand +four-inch layers of titanium +plate. And with it is a rumble of +thunder from all the electric storms +since the snake bit Cleopatra. In +less than five seconds we turn on +the oxygen just in case, and I jump +to the instrument panel and look at +the arrow on a dial.</p> + +<p>"Hey," I yell, "we are makin' a +thousand miles per hour through +the ground!"</p> + +<p>"Don't look through the ports," +Wurpz says. "In passin' I saw an +angleworm three times the size of +a firehose, and a beetle big enough +to saddle."</p> + +<p>"Git into the compression chamber +quick," I says to him. "You are +gettin' hallucinations."</p> + +<p>I turn on the air conditioning as +it gets as humid in the Mole as in +the Amazon jungle during the dog +days. The boring inner spaceship +starts screeching like a banshee.</p> + +<p>I look at the instrument panel +again and see we are close to being +seven thousand miles down, and +all at once the gauges show we are +out of energy. I look out the port +and see a fish staring in at me, and +a crab with eyes like two poached +eggs swimming in ketchup.</p> + +<p>Then we are going through dirt +again and all of a sudden we come +out of it and I see a city below us +all lit up and the buildings are made +of stuff that looks like jade run +through with streaks of black.</p> + +<p>The Mole drops down about a +thousand more feet and then hits the +floor of the subterranean city and +we land like a fountain pen with +its point slammed into the top of a +lump of clay. Bo-o-o-o-i-ing! We +twang like a plucked harp string for +nearly five minutes and I hit my +noggin against the pilot's seat.</p> + +<p>When I pick up my marbles I +look around for either an Elysium +field or a slag heap but instead a +creep is staring down at me. He +looks part human and part beetle +and has a face the color of the meat +of an avocado. His head is shaped +like a pear standing on its stem and +has two eyes spaced about six inches +apart and they are as friendly as +those of a spitting cobra irked by +hives. He is about four feet tall and +has two pairs of arms. I guess I am +still a little delirious or I would +not have told the thing he would +make a swell paper hanger.</p> + +<p>The subterranean creep throws a +fit and belts me with four fists. +"Dummkopf!" it says, and then I +really get scared as he has got a lop +of hair falling down over one eye +and has a black mustache the size of +a Venutian four centra stamp over +his mouth which is like that of a +pouting goldfish.</p> + +<p>I get to my feet and grab for a +railing, and I see Wurpz and Zahooli +held by two other monsters +that look more like beetles than the +one standing beside me.</p> + +<p>"Zo!" the creep with the mustache +says. "It is a surprise I talk +Universa? We have radar and +telepathometers that give us everything +that is said in the upper +world."</p> + +<p>I think back and try not to. In +the hermetically sealed cylinder +back upstairs among my Americana +Spink I have some photographs, +Circa 1945. One is of a citizen of +old Nazi Germany who was supposed +to have cremated himself in +a bunker. Papers there record that +my forebear, Cyril Spink, had his +doubts at the time.</p> + +<p>"I am the Neofeuhrer, Earthman," +this creep says. "I will conquer +the universe."</p> + +<p>"Look," I says, pawing beads of +sweat as big as the creep's eyes +from my brow, "have you been +testin' atom bombs and worse down +here?"</p> + +<p>"Jar."</p> + +<p>"There, I knew Professor Zalpha +was off the beam," I yelp at Wurpz. +"This is what is causin' the earthquakes."</p> + +<p>"Come, schwine," the creep says. +"I will show you something. The +tomb of my ancestor. Then to the +museum to show you how he arrived +in Subterro in the year 1945. +This is the city of Adolfus. Mach +schnell! Heil Hitler. I am Agrodyte +Hitler, grandson of the Liberator."</p> + +<p>The short hairs on the back of my +neck start crawling down my spine. +We leave the Mole and walk along +a big square paved with a mineral +we never saw upstairs. Thousands +of inhabitants of Subterro hiss at +us and click their long black fingers. +We walk up a long flight of steps +and come to a cadaver memorial +and on the front there are big letters +and numerals in what looks like +bloodstone that says: ADOLPH +HITLER. 1981.</p> + +<p>"Jar, Earthmen, mortal enemies +of Subterro's hero, you thought he +did not escape, hah? Come, we go +to the museum."</p> + +<p>We do. In a glass case is an antique +U-boat. "I can't believe it," I +says to Zahooli.</p> + +<p>"Neither do I. We never took off. They have us locked +up in the booby hatch in Metropolita. We went nuts."</p> + +<p>"He escaped in a submarine, +bringing three of Nazi Germany's +smartest scientists with him. He +brought plans showing us he could +split the atom. He brought working +models." The creep laughs mockingly. +"We have certain elements +down here also. Puranium, better +than your uranium. And pitchblende +Plus Nine. It will power our fleet of +submarines that will conquer Earth. +It is nearly der tag! We will leave +through the underground river that +our benefactor found three miles +below the surface of the ocean near +Brazil. It spirals down through this +earth and empties into Lake Schicklegruber +eighty miles from here."</p> + +<p>"And Hitler took one of those +Subterro dames as a mate, huh," I +says. "It figures. He was not human +himself."</p> + +<p>I get another cuffing around but +I am too punchy already to feel anything. +The next thing I know I am +in the Subterro clink with Wurpz +and Zahooli. D'Ambrosia says maybe +we will get released from the +strait jackets soon and get shock +treatments and find ourselves back +in Metropolita in our favorite night +spot.</p> + +<p>"We have to be dreamin' this," I +keep telling myself. The guard +looks in at us and he has little slanting +eyes.</p> + +<p>"How did Jap beetles get here?" +I ask Wurpz. I shiver. I think of all +the Subterro subs pouring out of a +hole under Brazil and sinking all +Earthian merchant marines, and +shooting guided missiles that will +land all over the U.S. They could +have rays that would reach up over +a million miles and wash up space +traffic.</p> + +<p>Then we get another jolt. They +bring us our chow and say it is +angleworm and hellgrammite porridge +as that is what the Subterro +denizens live on mostly. There is a +salad made out of what looks like +skunk cabbage leaves. We found +out later that Hitler's brain trust +had made an artificial sun for the +Subterrors and they had been given +greens for the first time and increased +in size over a hundred per +cent.</p> + +<p>"We have got to escape," I says +to my pals.</p> + +<p>"That is easy," Zahooli sniffs. +"First we have to break through the +walls here, get to the Mole which +can't never move again, and then +fight off maybe six million creeps. +We would git reduced to cinders by +ray Betsys the minute we hit the +street."</p> + +<p>I sigh deeply and reach into my +knapsack. I find some lamb stew +and tapioca pudding capsules and +split them with Zahooli and Wurpz. +Then I come up with a little box +and glance at the label. It says, +URGOXA'S INSECT POWDER—Contains +Radiatol.</p> + +<p>I get up nonchalantly and call the +guard to the barred window. Beetlehead +sticks his face in close and +asks what I want. I empty some of +the powder into the palm of my +hand and then blow it into his face. +The Subterro sentry's eyes cross. His +face turns as pale as milk and he +collapses like a camp stool.</p> + +<p>"Eureka!" I yelp. "We are in +business, pals."</p> + +<p>I hide the box of bug powder +when I hear two other creeps come +running. They start yakking in Universa +and in bug language both. +Agrodyte Hitler appears and looks +in at us.</p> + +<p>"What happened, Great One?" I +ask very politely.</p> + +<p>"We will perform an autopsy," +Hitler's grandson says, and turns to +another beetlehead. "Open the +door," he says. "I am showing my +guests something before we exterminate +them. Too bad about Voklogoo. +Most likely a coronary entomothrombosis. +Achtung! Raus +mitt!"</p> + +<p>"It means get the lead out in old +Germanic literature," I says to +Wurpz and Zahooli.</p> + +<p>"It is curtains," D'Ambrosia +gulps. "In about five minutes we +will be residue."</p> + +<p>The Neofeuhrer is like all egomaniacs +before him. He wants to +brag. We get into a Subterro Jetjeep +and drive about twenty miles +through the underground countryside +to the entrance to a cave guarded +by some extra tall Subterrors. +Hitler the Third leads us into the +spelunker's nightmare and we finally +come to a big metal door about +eighty feet long and twenty feet +high.</p> + +<p>Agrodyte pushes a button and the +steel door lifts. Then we walk up a +flight of steps to the top of a dam +and take a gander at a fleet of submarines +that makes Earthian pig-boats +look like they belonged in +antique shops.</p> + +<p>"We will take you for a ride in +one," the dictator of Subterro says. +"After that I will turn you over to +the executioner."</p> + +<p>"We need lawyers," Wurpz says.</p> + +<p>We cross a thin gangplank and +enter the sub. The lights in it are +indirect and are purplish green. +Hitler Number Three shows us the +telepathic machine, the radar, and +the viso-screen that pictures everything +going on upstairs on Earth, +and on Mars, Jupiter and all other +planets. There are four other beetleheads +on the sub and they carry +disintegrators.</p> + +<p>"These Subterro U-boats," our +genial host brags, "can go as fast in +reverse as full speed ahead, as the +situation warrants. They are alive +with guided missiles no larger than +this flashlight I have here, but one +would blow up your Metropolita +and leave hardly an ash."</p> + +<p>He looks at me, and then goes +on: "We will proceed to the lock +that will raise us to the underground +river and cruise along its +course for a few hundred miles. It +is the treat I should accord such distinguished +visitors from the outside +of Earth, nein?"</p> + +<p>The skipper of the Subterro sub +pulls a switch and there is a noise +like three contented cats purring. +The metal fish slides along the surface +of the underground lake and +comes to a hole in a big rock ledge.</p> + +<p>We see all this through a monitor +which registers the scenery outside +the sub within a radius of three +miles. The sub slides into the side +of the rock, and then is lifted up to +the underground river that winds +and winds upward like a corkscrew +to the outlet under Brazil. Every +once in a while a blast of air that +smells like a dentist's office goes +through the sub from bow to stern +and I ask why.</p> + +<p>"There is such terrific potency +to the power we use from our +puranium," Hitler Number Three +says, "that we purify the air every +few seconds with formula XYB +and Three-fifth. The basis of the +gas is galena."</p> + +<p>I nudge Wurpz and Zahooli as +the Neofeuhrer goes over to converse +with his crew. "It is our big +chance," I whisper. "You watch +how they run this tub for the next +few minutes. Then when I cough +three times you be ready. I do not +know how much powder it will take +to knock off the big bug as he is +half human. Once I blow this insect +powder at the same time as the +purifying blast is to take place, you +two be ready to jump Agrodyte. I +noticed that a small purple light +flashes on over the monitor just before +that stuff turns loose. It is a +warning so the beetleheads can take +deep breaths."</p> + +<p>"Sep," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. +"I take back all the insults of the +past five hours. Shake."</p> + +<p>"I am doin' that already," I says. +"We have to work fast while we +are in the underground river."</p> + +<p>We wait. The Neofeuhrer comes +walking back to where we are sitting. +The purple light flashes on, +and I count to three. Just as the +blast of air loaded with XYB plus +cuts loose I throw all the bug powder +left in the box into the current. +Hitler Number Three breathes in a +big gob of it and buckles a little at +the knees.</p> + +<p>"Grab him!" I screech. "Don't +let him yank that disintegrator +loose. Hit him with anything you +see, pals!"</p> + +<p>I see the other beetleheads collapse +like they had been hit with +bulldozers and I know now that insecticide +is more dangerous in Subterro +than all the radioactivity harnessed +up on six planets.</p> + +<p>Agrodyte Hitler, however, has +some moxey left in him as he has +two of his hands around Wurpz's +throat, the third around Zahooli's +leg and is reaching for a ray Betsy +with his fourth. He grabs the disintegrator +just as I belt him over +his ugly noggin with a wrench about +two feet long and which was certainly +not made of aluminum or +balsa wood.</p> + +<p>"Himmel!" the Neofeuhrer +gulps. "Ach du lebensraum!" He +has to be hit once more which is +enough and we tie him up with +rope that looks like it was made out +of plutonium filaments.</p> + +<p>"Well," I says. "We have a sub +from Subterro. Wurpz, you just +sit there at the controls and make +sure that needle on the big dial +don't move as I am sure this creep +has it on robot so that this tub will +automatically follow the course of +the river."</p> + +<p>"We are sure takin' a powder," +D'Ambrosia yelps. "Look at the +monitor!"</p> + +<p>We see fish gaping at us from +the screen that even Earth citizens +with delirium tremens never saw, +and I look quite anxiously at the instrument +panel.</p> + +<p>"A thousand miles per and we +are climbin'," I says. "I am glad this +Hitler used old Germanic on his +subs, and that I majored in it once. +I—er—I am gettin' arthritis all at +once! The bends! Uh—er—look, peel +them suits off the other creeps and +fast, Zahooli, as I bet they can be inflated +and made into compression +chambers. They have got connections +that plug into something."</p> + +<p>We pull on the suits which were +too big for the beetleheads and for +a good reason. More bends than +there are in the Ohio River are with +us before we plug into the right +socket. The suits bulge out until our +feet almost leave the floor. I grin +through my helmet at Wurpz.</p> + +<p>The sub keeps purring and purring. +The altimeter registers four +thousand feet. It is a caution, an +altimeter in a sub. Two hours later +we shoot out through a hole deep +under the coast of Brazil and I +know we are in the ocean as the +monitor shows some old wrecked +ships about three miles from us. We +disconnect the Subterro anti-bends +kimonos and peel them off. Agrodyte +Hitler is moving two of his +arms when we climb toward the surface.</p> + +<p>"Hah, we will make a sucker out +of history," I says to Wurpz. "And +wait until we show this creep to +Professor Zalpha and Exmud R. +Zmorro."</p> + +<p>We come to the surface and contact +an Earthian Franco-Austro +atomic luxury liner. The skipper's +pan registers on the viso-screen. +"This is Septimus Spink," I says. +"Commander of Inner Spaceship +Magnificent Mole. I have come +from the center of Earth with a +captured Subterro submarine and +Agrodyte Hitler, the Neofeuhrer. +Over and out."</p> + +<p>The universe goes into a cosmic +dither when we slide into a berth +in Hampton Rhodus. Thousands of +citizens hail us as we ride to +Metropolita in a Supercaddijet. Behind +us in a truck trailer made mostly +of transparent duralucite is our +captive, the descendant of Adolph +Hitler and three dead Subterro +beetle people.</p> + +<p>"Well, you won't give up so easy +on a Spink from now on," I says to +Zahooli. "We are heroes and will +get medals. First thing we have to +do, though," I says to Coordinator +One sitting in the jet sedan with us, +"is to take care of the hole Earth has +in its head. All we have to do is +drop that new bomb down the tunnel +we made and it will wash up +all those subs that are left and most +likely cause a flood that will inundate +Subterro. What do you think?"</p> + +<p>The brass is still tongue-tied. +"One thing I must do and that is +see that a certain insecticide manufacturer +gets a plug on Interplanetary +TV," I continue. "Ha, we +took the bugs out of this planet. It +should work quite smooth from +now on."</p> + +<p>"I still believe in reincarnation," +D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. "I have +the darndest feeling I've been +through almost as big nightmares +with you before, Sep."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>Interplanetary Press, Circa 2022, +Junius XXIV—Professor Apsox +Zalpha, eminent professor of cosmogony, +and Exmud R. Zmorro, +leading news analyst of seven +worlds, have entered the Metropolita +Neuropsychiatorium for a routine +checkup. They emphatically denied +that it was connected in any +way with a lecture given recently by +Septimus Spink, first man to explore +inner space, at the Celestial Cow +Palace in San Francisco. Both men +expect to remain for two weeks. +"Of course there is nothing wrong +with either of us," Professor Zalpha +told your correspondent. "But if +you see a beetle, please do not step +on it. It could be somebody's +mother."</i></p> + +<div class="trn"><b>Transcriber's Note:</b> +This etext was produced from <i>Fantastic Universe</i> September 1955. +Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. +copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and +typographical errors have been corrected without note.</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Operation Earthworm, by Joe Archibald + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION EARTHWORM *** + +***** This file should be named 29303-h.htm or 29303-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/3/0/29303/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Operation Earthworm + +Author: Joe Archibald + +Release Date: July 3, 2009 [EBook #29303] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION EARTHWORM *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + _Here he is again, the irrepressible Septimus Spink, in a tale as + rollicking as an elder giant juggling the stars and the planets in + his great, golden hands and laughing mirthfully as one tiny + world--our own--goes spinning away from him into caverns measureless + to man. With specifications drawn to scale, Joe Archibald, whose + versatility with the quill never ceases to amaze us, has managed + with slangy insouciance to achieve a rare triumph over space and + time, and to aureole Spink in a resplendent sunburst of imperishable + renown._ + + + operation + earthworm + + _by ... Joe Archibald_ + + + Septimus Spink didn't need to read Jules Verne's "Journey to + the Center of the Earth." He had more amazing ideas of his own. + + +_Interplanetary Press, Circa 2022--Septimus Spink, the first Earthman to +reach and return from New Mu in a flying saucer, threw a hydroactive +bombshell into the meeting of the leading cosmogonists at the University +of Cincinnatus today. The amazing Spink, uninvited, crashed this august +body of scientists and laughed at a statement made by Professor Apsox +Zalpha as to the origin of Earth and other planets._ + +_"That theory is older than the discovery of the antiquated zipper," +Spink orated. "Ha, you big plexidomes still believe the Earth was +condensed from a filament, and was ejected by the sun under the +gravitational attraction of a big star passing close to the Earth's +surface. First it was a liquid drop and cooling solidified it after a +period of a few million years. You citizens still think it has a liquid +core. Some of you think it is pretty hot inside like they had atomic +furnaces all fired up. Ha, the exterior ain't so hot either what with +taxes we have to pay after seven wars."_ + +_Professor Yzylch Mgogylvy, of the University of Juno, took violent +exception to Septimus Spink's derisive attitude and stoutly defended the +theory of adiabatic expansion. It was at this juncture that Spink +practically disintegrated the meeting._ + +_"For the last seventy years," he orated, "all we have thought about was +outer space. All that we have been hepped up about is what is up in the +attic and have forgot the cellar. What proof has any knucklehelmet got +that nobody lives far under the coal mines and the oil pockets? +Something lives everywhere! Adam never believed anythin' lived in water +until he was bit by a crab. Gentlemen, I am announcin' for the benefit +of the press and everybody from here to Mars and Jupiter and back that I +intend to explore inner space! I have already got the project +underway."_ + +_A near panic ensued as representatives of the press made for the +audio-viso stellartypes. "You think volcanoes are caused by heat +generated far down inside the earth. They are only boils or carbuncles. +Awright, where do earthquakes come from?" Here Spink laughed once more. +"They are elastic waves sent out through the body of the Earth, huh? +Their observed times of transmission give a means of finding their +velocities of propagation at great depths. I read that in a book that +should be in the Terra-firmament Institute along with the Spirit of St. +Louis."_ + +_Septimus Spink walked out at this point, surrounded by Interplanetary +scribes, one of whom was Exmud R. Zmorro. Spink informed the Fourteenth +Estate that he would let them have a gander at the model of his inner +space machine in due time. He inferred that one of his financial backers +in the fabulous enterprise was Aquintax Djupont, and that the fact that +Djupont had recently been brain-washed at the Neuropsychiatorium in +Metropolita had no bearing on the case whatsoever._ + + * * * * * + +I am seeing and listening to that news item right now which has been +repeated a dozen times the last twenty-four hours as if nobody could +believe it. I am Septimus Spink, and descended from a long line of +Spinks that began somewhere back at the time they put up the pyramids. + +All my ancestors was never satisfied with what progress they saw during +when they lived, and they are the reasons we have got where we are +today. And if there was no Spinks today the scientists would get away +with saying that the Earth was only a drop from the sun that got a crust +on it after millions of years. And they want to send me back to get +fitted for a duronylon strait jacket again. + +An hour after I shut off the viso-screen, and while I am taking my +calves' liver and onion capsules, my friend and space-lanceman, +D'Ambrosia Zahooli comes in. He just qualifies as a spaceman as he +takes up very little and is not much easier to look at than a Nougatine. +Once D'Ambrosia applied for a plasticectomy but the surgeons at the +Muzayo clinic just laughed and told him there was a limit to science +even in the year 2022. But the citizen was at home when they divided the +brains. Of course that is only my opinion. He is to fly with me into +inner space. + +"Greetin's and salutations, and as the Martians say, 'max nabiscum,' +Sep," Zahooli says. "I have been figuring that we won't have to go +deeper than about four thousand kilometers. All that is worryin' me is +gettin' back up. I still do not fully believe that we won't melt. +Supposin' Professor Zalpha is right and that we will dive down into a +core of live iron ore. You have seen them pour it out of the big dippers +in the mills, Sep." + +"Columbus started off like us," I says. "Who knew what he would find or +where he ended up? Chris expected to fall right off the edge of the +world, but did that scare him? No!" + +"Of course you can count on me," Zahooli says. "When do we start +building this mechanical mole?" + +"In just two days," I says. "Our backers have purchased an extinct +spaceship factory not far from Commonwealth Seven. Yeah, we will call +our project 'Operation Earthworm,' pal." + +D'Ambrosia sits down and starts looking chicken. "We wouldn't get no +astrogator in his right mind to go with us, Sep. How many times the +thrust will we need over what we would use if we was just cutting space? +We start out in about a foot of topsoil, then some hard rock and then +more hard rock. Can we harness enough energy to last through the +diggin'? Do you mind if I change my mind for a very good reason which is +that I'm an awful coward?" + +"Of course not," I says. "It would be a coincidence if you quit though, +my dear old friend, and right after Coordinator One found out who was +sipping Jovian drambuie on a certain space bistro last Monday with his +Venutian wife." + +"You have sold me," Zahooli says. "I wouldn't miss this trip for one of +those four-legged turkey farms up in Maine. It is kind of frustratin' +though, don't you think, Septimus? We are still not thirty and could +live another hundred years what with the new arteries they are making +out of Nucrolon and the new tickers they are replacing for the old +ones." + +"Let us look over the model again," I says. "You are just moody today, +D'Ambrosia." + +It still looks like it would work to me. It is just a rocket ship +pointed toward terra firma instead of the other way, and has an auger +fixed in place at the nose. It is about twenty feet long and four feet +wide and made out of the strongest metal known to modern science, +cryptoplutonite. It won't heat up or break off and it will start +spinning around as soon as we cut loose with the tail blasts. + +"How much time do we need and how much energy for only four thousand +kilometers?" I asks Zahooli. "We got enough stored up to go seventy +million miles into space? We'll cross that bridge when we get to the +river." + +"You mean the Styx?" + +"That is one thing I will not believe," I sniff. "We will never find +Attila the Hun or Hitler down there. Or Beelzebub." + +All at once we hear a big rumbling noise and the plexidomed house we are +in shakes and rattles and we are knocked out of our chairs and deposited +on the seats of our corylon rompers. The viso-screen blacks out, I get +to all fours and ask, "You think the Nougatines have gone to war again, +D'Ambrosia?" + +"It was not mice," Zahooli gulps. "It is either a hydroradium plant +backfired or a good old-fashioned earthquake." + +After a while we have the viso-screen working. The face of Coordinator +Five appears. He says the worst earthquake in five centuries has +happened. There is a crack in the real estate of Department X6 near the +Rockies that makes the Grand Canyon look like a kid just scraped a stick +through some mud. Infra-Red Cross units, he says, are rocketing to the +area. + +"There might be somethin' goin' on inside this earth," I says. "If you +don't poke a hole in a baked potato its busts right open from heat +generated inside. Our project, D'Ambrosia, seems even more expedient +than ever." + +"That is a new word for 'insane' I must look up," Zahooli says. + +Professor Apsox Zalpha comes out with a statement the next morning. He +says the quake confirms his theory that the inside of the Earth is as +hot as a Venutian calypso number, and that gases are being generated by +the heat and that we haven't volcanoes enough on the surface to allow +them to escape. + +Exmud R. Zmorro comes and asks me if I have an opinion. + +"Ha," I laugh. "I have many on file in the Neuropsychiatorium. Just go +and take your pick. However, I will give you one ad lib and sub rosa. +There is more downstairs than Professor Zalpha dreams about. Who is he +to say there is no civilization in inner space as well as outer? How do +we know that there is not a globe inside a globe with some kind of space +or atmosphere in between?" + +Exmud R. Zmorro says thanks and leaves in quite a hurry. I snap off the +gadget and head for my rocket jeep, and fifteen seconds later I am +walking into the factory where a hundred citizens are already at work on +the inner spaceship. It is listing a little to port from the quake but +the head mech says it will be all straightened out in a few hours. It +is just a skeleton ship at the moment with the auger already in place +and the point about three feet into the ground. + +D'Ambrosia Zahooli comes in and says he has been to see Commander +Bizmuth Aquinox. "He will give just enough of the atom pile for seventy +million miles," he says. "And only enough superhydrogenerated radium to +push us twenty million miles, Sep. I think we should write to Number +One. I explained to the space brass that we have got to come up again +after going down and have to reverse the blast tubes. It is radium we +have to have to make the return trip. I says a half a pound would do it. +You know what I think? I bet they don't believe we'll ever git back. And +was their laughs dirty!" + +"Skeptics have lived since the beginnin' of time," I scoff. "They +laughed at Leonardo da Vinci, Columbus, Edison, a guy named Durante. +Even the guy who first sat down at a pianer. We will take what we can +git, pal, and then come back and laugh at them." + +"I wish you was more convincin'," D'Ambrosia says. "I have +claustrophobia and would hate to git stuck in an over-sized fountain pen +halfway to the middle of this earth." + +"Hand me those plans," I says sharply. "And stop scarin' me." + +Three months later we have it made. Technicians come from four planets +to look at the Magnificent Mole. The area is alive with members of the +Interplanetary Press, the Cosmic News Bureau, and the Universe Feature +Service. Two perspiring citizens arrive and tear up two insurance +policies right in front of my eyes. An old buddy of mine in the war +against the Nougatines says he wants to go with me. His name is Axitope +Wurpz. He has been flying cargo between Earth and Parsnipia and says he +is quite unable to explain certain expense items in his book. A +Parsnipian D.A. is trying to serve him a subpoena. + +"You are in, Axie," I says. "A crew of three is enough as that is about +all the oxygen we can store up. Meet D'Ambrosia Zahooli." + +"Why is he wearing a mask?" Wurpz quips. + +"You are as funny as a plutonium crutch," Zahooli says. + +"No hard feelin's," Wurpz says, and takes a small flask out of his +pocket. "We will drink to Operation Earthworm." + +As might have been expected, we run into some snags. The Euthanasia +Society serve us with papers as they maintain nobody can commit suicide +in the year 2022 without permission from the Board. Gulflex and other +oil companies protest to Number One as they say we might open up a hole +that will spill all the petroleum out of the earth all at once, so fast +they couldn't refine it. A spark could ignite it and set the globe on +fire like it was a brandied Christmas pudding. But then another +earthquake shakes Earth from the rice fields of China to the llamas in +Peru just when it looks as if we were about to be tossed into an outer +space pokey. + +The seismologists get together and agree that they can't possibly figure +out the depth of the focus and state that the long waves have to pass +through the epicenter or some such spot underground. Anyway, all the +brass agrees that something is going on in inner space not according to +Hoyle or Euclid or anybody else and that we three characters might just +hit on something of scientific value. + +The Magnificent Mole is built mostly of titanium, a metal which is only +about half as heavy as steel and twice as rugged. It is not quite as big +in diameter as the auger, for if it was any Martian moron knows we would +scrape our sides away before we got down three miles. We store +concentrated chow to last six months and get the acceleration couches +ready. We are to blast down at eighteen point oh-four hours, Friday, May +26th, 2022. Today is Wednesday. The big space brass, the fourteenth +estate haunt the spot marked X. + +We get it both barrels from the jokers carrying press cards. They call +it Operation Upside Down. At last three characters were really going to +dig a hole and pull it in after them. Three hours before Dig-day, Exmud +R. Zmorro interviews us. We are televised around the orbit. + +"Laying all joking aside, Spink," the news analyst says dolefully, "you +don't expect this to work." + +"Of courst!" I says emphatically. "You forget the first man to reach New +Mu was a Spink. A Spink helped Columbus wade ashore in the West Indies. +The first man to invent a road-map all citizens could unfold and +understand was a Spink." + +Zmorro turns to Zahooli and Wurpz. "Don't ask us anythin'!" they yelp in +unison. "You would only git a silly answer." + +"A world inside of a world you said once, Spink. Ha--" + +"Is that impossible? You have seen those ancient sailing ships built +inside of a bottle, Mr. Zmorro," I says. + +He paws at his dome and takes a hyperbenzadrine tablet. "Well, thank +you, Septimus Spink. And have a good trip." + +It is Friday. We climb up the ladder and into the Magnificent Mole. +"Check everything," I says to Wurpz. "You are the sub-strata +astrogator." + +"Rogeria. I hope this worm can turn," Wurpz says. + + * * * * * + +Zahooli checks the instruments. We don't put on space suits, but have a +pressure chamber built in to insure against the bends. I wave good-bye +to the citizens outside and close the door. + +"I have got to git out," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says and heads for the door. +"I forgot somethin'." + +"Huh?" + +"I forgot to resign," he says, and I pull a disintegrator Betsy on him +and tell him to hop back to the controls. + +"Awright, we have computed the masses of fuel we need. Stand by for the +takeoff--er, takedown. Eight seconds. Seven--Six--Five--Four--" + +"I know now my mother raised one idiot," Zahooli says. + +"Three seconds--two seconds--one second!" I go on. "Awright, unload the +pile in one and three tubes! Then when we have gone about five hundred +miles, give us the radium push." + +Whir-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-o-o-om! The Mole shudders like a citizen looking +at his income tax bite and then starts boring. There is a big bright +light all around us, changing color every second, then there is a sound +like all the pneumatomic drills in all the universe is biting through a +thousand four-inch layers of titanium plate. And with it is a rumble of +thunder from all the electric storms since the snake bit Cleopatra. In +less than five seconds we turn on the oxygen just in case, and I jump to +the instrument panel and look at the arrow on a dial. + +"Hey," I yell, "we are makin' a thousand miles per hour through the +ground!" + +"Don't look through the ports," Wurpz says. "In passin' I saw an +angleworm three times the size of a firehose, and a beetle big enough to +saddle." + +"Git into the compression chamber quick," I says to him. "You are +gettin' hallucinations." + +I turn on the air conditioning as it gets as humid in the Mole as in the +Amazon jungle during the dog days. The boring inner spaceship starts +screeching like a banshee. + +I look at the instrument panel again and see we are close to being seven +thousand miles down, and all at once the gauges show we are out of +energy. I look out the port and see a fish staring in at me, and a crab +with eyes like two poached eggs swimming in ketchup. + +Then we are going through dirt again and all of a sudden we come out of +it and I see a city below us all lit up and the buildings are made of +stuff that looks like jade run through with streaks of black. + +The Mole drops down about a thousand more feet and then hits the floor +of the subterranean city and we land like a fountain pen with its point +slammed into the top of a lump of clay. Bo-o-o-o-i-ing! We twang like a +plucked harp string for nearly five minutes and I hit my noggin against +the pilot's seat. + +When I pick up my marbles I look around for either an Elysium field or a +slag heap but instead a creep is staring down at me. He looks part human +and part beetle and has a face the color of the meat of an avocado. His +head is shaped like a pear standing on its stem and has two eyes spaced +about six inches apart and they are as friendly as those of a spitting +cobra irked by hives. He is about four feet tall and has two pairs of +arms. I guess I am still a little delirious or I would not have told +the thing he would make a swell paper hanger. + +The subterranean creep throws a fit and belts me with four fists. +"Dummkopf!" it says, and then I really get scared as he has got a lop of +hair falling down over one eye and has a black mustache the size of a +Venutian four centra stamp over his mouth which is like that of a +pouting goldfish. + +I get to my feet and grab for a railing, and I see Wurpz and Zahooli +held by two other monsters that look more like beetles than the one +standing beside me. + +"Zo!" the creep with the mustache says. "It is a surprise I talk +Universa? We have radar and telepathometers that give us everything that +is said in the upper world." + +I think back and try not to. In the hermetically sealed cylinder back +upstairs among my Americana Spink I have some photographs, Circa 1945. +One is of a citizen of old Nazi Germany who was supposed to have +cremated himself in a bunker. Papers there record that my forebear, +Cyril Spink, had his doubts at the time. + +"I am the Neofeuhrer, Earthman," this creep says. "I will conquer the +universe." + +"Look," I says, pawing beads of sweat as big as the creep's eyes from my +brow, "have you been testin' atom bombs and worse down here?" + +"Jar." + +"There, I knew Professor Zalpha was off the beam," I yelp at Wurpz. +"This is what is causin' the earthquakes." + +"Come, schwine," the creep says. "I will show you something. The tomb of +my ancestor. Then to the museum to show you how he arrived in Subterro +in the year 1945. This is the city of Adolfus. Mach schnell! Heil +Hitler. I am Agrodyte Hitler, grandson of the Liberator." + +The short hairs on the back of my neck start crawling down my spine. We +leave the Mole and walk along a big square paved with a mineral we never +saw upstairs. Thousands of inhabitants of Subterro hiss at us and click +their long black fingers. We walk up a long flight of steps and come to +a cadaver memorial and on the front there are big letters and numerals +in what looks like bloodstone that says: ADOLPH HITLER. 1981. + +"Jar, Earthmen, mortal enemies of Subterro's hero, you thought he did +not escape, hah? Come, we go to the museum." + +We do. In a glass case is an antique U-boat. "I can't believe it," I +says to Zahooli. + +"Neither do I. We never took off. They have us locked up in the booby +hatch in Metropolita. We went nuts." + +"He escaped in a submarine, bringing three of Nazi Germany's smartest +scientists with him. He brought plans showing us he could split the +atom. He brought working models." The creep laughs mockingly. "We have +certain elements down here also. Puranium, better than your uranium. +And pitchblende Plus Nine. It will power our fleet of submarines that +will conquer Earth. It is nearly der tag! We will leave through the +underground river that our benefactor found three miles below the +surface of the ocean near Brazil. It spirals down through this earth and +empties into Lake Schicklegruber eighty miles from here." + +"And Hitler took one of those Subterro dames as a mate, huh," I says. +"It figures. He was not human himself." + +I get another cuffing around but I am too punchy already to feel +anything. The next thing I know I am in the Subterro clink with Wurpz +and Zahooli. D'Ambrosia says maybe we will get released from the strait +jackets soon and get shock treatments and find ourselves back in +Metropolita in our favorite night spot. + +"We have to be dreamin' this," I keep telling myself. The guard looks in +at us and he has little slanting eyes. + +"How did Jap beetles get here?" I ask Wurpz. I shiver. I think of all +the Subterro subs pouring out of a hole under Brazil and sinking all +Earthian merchant marines, and shooting guided missiles that will land +all over the U.S. They could have rays that would reach up over a +million miles and wash up space traffic. + +Then we get another jolt. They bring us our chow and say it is angleworm +and hellgrammite porridge as that is what the Subterro denizens live on +mostly. There is a salad made out of what looks like skunk cabbage +leaves. We found out later that Hitler's brain trust had made an +artificial sun for the Subterrors and they had been given greens for the +first time and increased in size over a hundred per cent. + +"We have got to escape," I says to my pals. + +"That is easy," Zahooli sniffs. "First we have to break through the +walls here, get to the Mole which can't never move again, and then fight +off maybe six million creeps. We would git reduced to cinders by ray +Betsys the minute we hit the street." + +I sigh deeply and reach into my knapsack. I find some lamb stew and +tapioca pudding capsules and split them with Zahooli and Wurpz. Then I +come up with a little box and glance at the label. It says, URGOXA'S +INSECT POWDER--Contains Radiatol. + +I get up nonchalantly and call the guard to the barred window. +Beetlehead sticks his face in close and asks what I want. I empty some +of the powder into the palm of my hand and then blow it into his face. +The Subterro sentry's eyes cross. His face turns as pale as milk and he +collapses like a camp stool. + +"Eureka!" I yelp. "We are in business, pals." + +I hide the box of bug powder when I hear two other creeps come running. +They start yakking in Universa and in bug language both. Agrodyte +Hitler appears and looks in at us. + +"What happened, Great One?" I ask very politely. + +"We will perform an autopsy," Hitler's grandson says, and turns to +another beetlehead. "Open the door," he says. "I am showing my guests +something before we exterminate them. Too bad about Voklogoo. Most +likely a coronary entomothrombosis. Achtung! Raus mitt!" + +"It means get the lead out in old Germanic literature," I says to Wurpz +and Zahooli. + +"It is curtains," D'Ambrosia gulps. "In about five minutes we will be +residue." + +The Neofeuhrer is like all egomaniacs before him. He wants to brag. We +get into a Subterro Jetjeep and drive about twenty miles through the +underground countryside to the entrance to a cave guarded by some extra +tall Subterrors. Hitler the Third leads us into the spelunker's +nightmare and we finally come to a big metal door about eighty feet long +and twenty feet high. + +Agrodyte pushes a button and the steel door lifts. Then we walk up a +flight of steps to the top of a dam and take a gander at a fleet of +submarines that makes Earthian pig-boats look like they belonged in +antique shops. + +"We will take you for a ride in one," the dictator of Subterro says. +"After that I will turn you over to the executioner." + +"We need lawyers," Wurpz says. + +We cross a thin gangplank and enter the sub. The lights in it are +indirect and are purplish green. Hitler Number Three shows us the +telepathic machine, the radar, and the viso-screen that pictures +everything going on upstairs on Earth, and on Mars, Jupiter and all +other planets. There are four other beetleheads on the sub and they +carry disintegrators. + +"These Subterro U-boats," our genial host brags, "can go as fast in +reverse as full speed ahead, as the situation warrants. They are alive +with guided missiles no larger than this flashlight I have here, but one +would blow up your Metropolita and leave hardly an ash." + +He looks at me, and then goes on: "We will proceed to the lock that will +raise us to the underground river and cruise along its course for a few +hundred miles. It is the treat I should accord such distinguished +visitors from the outside of Earth, nein?" + +The skipper of the Subterro sub pulls a switch and there is a noise like +three contented cats purring. The metal fish slides along the surface of +the underground lake and comes to a hole in a big rock ledge. + +We see all this through a monitor which registers the scenery outside +the sub within a radius of three miles. The sub slides into the side of +the rock, and then is lifted up to the underground river that winds and +winds upward like a corkscrew to the outlet under Brazil. Every once in +a while a blast of air that smells like a dentist's office goes through +the sub from bow to stern and I ask why. + +"There is such terrific potency to the power we use from our puranium," +Hitler Number Three says, "that we purify the air every few seconds with +formula XYB and Three-fifth. The basis of the gas is galena." + +I nudge Wurpz and Zahooli as the Neofeuhrer goes over to converse with +his crew. "It is our big chance," I whisper. "You watch how they run +this tub for the next few minutes. Then when I cough three times you be +ready. I do not know how much powder it will take to knock off the big +bug as he is half human. Once I blow this insect powder at the same time +as the purifying blast is to take place, you two be ready to jump +Agrodyte. I noticed that a small purple light flashes on over the +monitor just before that stuff turns loose. It is a warning so the +beetleheads can take deep breaths." + +"Sep," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. "I take back all the insults of the past +five hours. Shake." + +"I am doin' that already," I says. "We have to work fast while we are in +the underground river." + +We wait. The Neofeuhrer comes walking back to where we are sitting. The +purple light flashes on, and I count to three. Just as the blast of air +loaded with XYB plus cuts loose I throw all the bug powder left in the +box into the current. Hitler Number Three breathes in a big gob of it +and buckles a little at the knees. + +"Grab him!" I screech. "Don't let him yank that disintegrator loose. Hit +him with anything you see, pals!" + +I see the other beetleheads collapse like they had been hit with +bulldozers and I know now that insecticide is more dangerous in Subterro +than all the radioactivity harnessed up on six planets. + +Agrodyte Hitler, however, has some moxey left in him as he has two of +his hands around Wurpz's throat, the third around Zahooli's leg and is +reaching for a ray Betsy with his fourth. He grabs the disintegrator +just as I belt him over his ugly noggin with a wrench about two feet +long and which was certainly not made of aluminum or balsa wood. + +"Himmel!" the Neofeuhrer gulps. "Ach du lebensraum!" He has to be hit +once more which is enough and we tie him up with rope that looks like it +was made out of plutonium filaments. + +"Well," I says. "We have a sub from Subterro. Wurpz, you just sit there +at the controls and make sure that needle on the big dial don't move as +I am sure this creep has it on robot so that this tub will automatically +follow the course of the river." + +"We are sure takin' a powder," D'Ambrosia yelps. "Look at the monitor!" + +We see fish gaping at us from the screen that even Earth citizens with +delirium tremens never saw, and I look quite anxiously at the instrument +panel. + +"A thousand miles per and we are climbin'," I says. "I am glad this +Hitler used old Germanic on his subs, and that I majored in it once. +I--er--I am gettin' arthritis all at once! The bends! Uh--er--look, peel +them suits off the other creeps and fast, Zahooli, as I bet they can be +inflated and made into compression chambers. They have got connections +that plug into something." + +We pull on the suits which were too big for the beetleheads and for a +good reason. More bends than there are in the Ohio River are with us +before we plug into the right socket. The suits bulge out until our feet +almost leave the floor. I grin through my helmet at Wurpz. + +The sub keeps purring and purring. The altimeter registers four thousand +feet. It is a caution, an altimeter in a sub. Two hours later we shoot +out through a hole deep under the coast of Brazil and I know we are in +the ocean as the monitor shows some old wrecked ships about three miles +from us. We disconnect the Subterro anti-bends kimonos and peel them +off. Agrodyte Hitler is moving two of his arms when we climb toward the +surface. + +"Hah, we will make a sucker out of history," I says to Wurpz. "And wait +until we show this creep to Professor Zalpha and Exmud R. Zmorro." + +We come to the surface and contact an Earthian Franco-Austro atomic +luxury liner. The skipper's pan registers on the viso-screen. "This is +Septimus Spink," I says. "Commander of Inner Spaceship Magnificent Mole. +I have come from the center of Earth with a captured Subterro submarine +and Agrodyte Hitler, the Neofeuhrer. Over and out." + +The universe goes into a cosmic dither when we slide into a berth in +Hampton Rhodus. Thousands of citizens hail us as we ride to Metropolita +in a Supercaddijet. Behind us in a truck trailer made mostly of +transparent duralucite is our captive, the descendant of Adolph Hitler +and three dead Subterro beetle people. + +"Well, you won't give up so easy on a Spink from now on," I says to +Zahooli. "We are heroes and will get medals. First thing we have to do, +though," I says to Coordinator One sitting in the jet sedan with us, "is +to take care of the hole Earth has in its head. All we have to do is +drop that new bomb down the tunnel we made and it will wash up all those +subs that are left and most likely cause a flood that will inundate +Subterro. What do you think?" + +The brass is still tongue-tied. "One thing I must do and that is see +that a certain insecticide manufacturer gets a plug on Interplanetary +TV," I continue. "Ha, we took the bugs out of this planet. It should +work quite smooth from now on." + +"I still believe in reincarnation," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. "I have the +darndest feeling I've been through almost as big nightmares with you +before, Sep." + + * * * * * + +_Interplanetary Press, Circa 2022, Junius XXIV--Professor Apsox Zalpha, +eminent professor of cosmogony, and Exmud R. Zmorro, leading news +analyst of seven worlds, have entered the Metropolita Neuropsychiatorium +for a routine checkup. They emphatically denied that it was connected in +any way with a lecture given recently by Septimus Spink, first man to +explore inner space, at the Celestial Cow Palace in San Francisco. Both +men expect to remain for two weeks. "Of course there is nothing wrong +with either of us," Professor Zalpha told your correspondent. "But if +you see a beetle, please do not step on it. It could be somebody's +mother."_ + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from _Fantastic Universe_ September 1955. + Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. + copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and + typographical errors have been corrected without note. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Operation Earthworm, by Joe Archibald + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION EARTHWORM *** + +***** This file should be named 29303.txt or 29303.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/3/0/29303/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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