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diff --git a/29303.txt b/29303.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..23f2504 --- /dev/null +++ b/29303.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1067 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Operation Earthworm, by Joe Archibald + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Operation Earthworm + +Author: Joe Archibald + +Release Date: July 3, 2009 [EBook #29303] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION EARTHWORM *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + _Here he is again, the irrepressible Septimus Spink, in a tale as + rollicking as an elder giant juggling the stars and the planets in + his great, golden hands and laughing mirthfully as one tiny + world--our own--goes spinning away from him into caverns measureless + to man. With specifications drawn to scale, Joe Archibald, whose + versatility with the quill never ceases to amaze us, has managed + with slangy insouciance to achieve a rare triumph over space and + time, and to aureole Spink in a resplendent sunburst of imperishable + renown._ + + + operation + earthworm + + _by ... Joe Archibald_ + + + Septimus Spink didn't need to read Jules Verne's "Journey to + the Center of the Earth." He had more amazing ideas of his own. + + +_Interplanetary Press, Circa 2022--Septimus Spink, the first Earthman to +reach and return from New Mu in a flying saucer, threw a hydroactive +bombshell into the meeting of the leading cosmogonists at the University +of Cincinnatus today. The amazing Spink, uninvited, crashed this august +body of scientists and laughed at a statement made by Professor Apsox +Zalpha as to the origin of Earth and other planets._ + +_"That theory is older than the discovery of the antiquated zipper," +Spink orated. "Ha, you big plexidomes still believe the Earth was +condensed from a filament, and was ejected by the sun under the +gravitational attraction of a big star passing close to the Earth's +surface. First it was a liquid drop and cooling solidified it after a +period of a few million years. You citizens still think it has a liquid +core. Some of you think it is pretty hot inside like they had atomic +furnaces all fired up. Ha, the exterior ain't so hot either what with +taxes we have to pay after seven wars."_ + +_Professor Yzylch Mgogylvy, of the University of Juno, took violent +exception to Septimus Spink's derisive attitude and stoutly defended the +theory of adiabatic expansion. It was at this juncture that Spink +practically disintegrated the meeting._ + +_"For the last seventy years," he orated, "all we have thought about was +outer space. All that we have been hepped up about is what is up in the +attic and have forgot the cellar. What proof has any knucklehelmet got +that nobody lives far under the coal mines and the oil pockets? +Something lives everywhere! Adam never believed anythin' lived in water +until he was bit by a crab. Gentlemen, I am announcin' for the benefit +of the press and everybody from here to Mars and Jupiter and back that I +intend to explore inner space! I have already got the project +underway."_ + +_A near panic ensued as representatives of the press made for the +audio-viso stellartypes. "You think volcanoes are caused by heat +generated far down inside the earth. They are only boils or carbuncles. +Awright, where do earthquakes come from?" Here Spink laughed once more. +"They are elastic waves sent out through the body of the Earth, huh? +Their observed times of transmission give a means of finding their +velocities of propagation at great depths. I read that in a book that +should be in the Terra-firmament Institute along with the Spirit of St. +Louis."_ + +_Septimus Spink walked out at this point, surrounded by Interplanetary +scribes, one of whom was Exmud R. Zmorro. Spink informed the Fourteenth +Estate that he would let them have a gander at the model of his inner +space machine in due time. He inferred that one of his financial backers +in the fabulous enterprise was Aquintax Djupont, and that the fact that +Djupont had recently been brain-washed at the Neuropsychiatorium in +Metropolita had no bearing on the case whatsoever._ + + * * * * * + +I am seeing and listening to that news item right now which has been +repeated a dozen times the last twenty-four hours as if nobody could +believe it. I am Septimus Spink, and descended from a long line of +Spinks that began somewhere back at the time they put up the pyramids. + +All my ancestors was never satisfied with what progress they saw during +when they lived, and they are the reasons we have got where we are +today. And if there was no Spinks today the scientists would get away +with saying that the Earth was only a drop from the sun that got a crust +on it after millions of years. And they want to send me back to get +fitted for a duronylon strait jacket again. + +An hour after I shut off the viso-screen, and while I am taking my +calves' liver and onion capsules, my friend and space-lanceman, +D'Ambrosia Zahooli comes in. He just qualifies as a spaceman as he +takes up very little and is not much easier to look at than a Nougatine. +Once D'Ambrosia applied for a plasticectomy but the surgeons at the +Muzayo clinic just laughed and told him there was a limit to science +even in the year 2022. But the citizen was at home when they divided the +brains. Of course that is only my opinion. He is to fly with me into +inner space. + +"Greetin's and salutations, and as the Martians say, 'max nabiscum,' +Sep," Zahooli says. "I have been figuring that we won't have to go +deeper than about four thousand kilometers. All that is worryin' me is +gettin' back up. I still do not fully believe that we won't melt. +Supposin' Professor Zalpha is right and that we will dive down into a +core of live iron ore. You have seen them pour it out of the big dippers +in the mills, Sep." + +"Columbus started off like us," I says. "Who knew what he would find or +where he ended up? Chris expected to fall right off the edge of the +world, but did that scare him? No!" + +"Of course you can count on me," Zahooli says. "When do we start +building this mechanical mole?" + +"In just two days," I says. "Our backers have purchased an extinct +spaceship factory not far from Commonwealth Seven. Yeah, we will call +our project 'Operation Earthworm,' pal." + +D'Ambrosia sits down and starts looking chicken. "We wouldn't get no +astrogator in his right mind to go with us, Sep. How many times the +thrust will we need over what we would use if we was just cutting space? +We start out in about a foot of topsoil, then some hard rock and then +more hard rock. Can we harness enough energy to last through the +diggin'? Do you mind if I change my mind for a very good reason which is +that I'm an awful coward?" + +"Of course not," I says. "It would be a coincidence if you quit though, +my dear old friend, and right after Coordinator One found out who was +sipping Jovian drambuie on a certain space bistro last Monday with his +Venutian wife." + +"You have sold me," Zahooli says. "I wouldn't miss this trip for one of +those four-legged turkey farms up in Maine. It is kind of frustratin' +though, don't you think, Septimus? We are still not thirty and could +live another hundred years what with the new arteries they are making +out of Nucrolon and the new tickers they are replacing for the old +ones." + +"Let us look over the model again," I says. "You are just moody today, +D'Ambrosia." + +It still looks like it would work to me. It is just a rocket ship +pointed toward terra firma instead of the other way, and has an auger +fixed in place at the nose. It is about twenty feet long and four feet +wide and made out of the strongest metal known to modern science, +cryptoplutonite. It won't heat up or break off and it will start +spinning around as soon as we cut loose with the tail blasts. + +"How much time do we need and how much energy for only four thousand +kilometers?" I asks Zahooli. "We got enough stored up to go seventy +million miles into space? We'll cross that bridge when we get to the +river." + +"You mean the Styx?" + +"That is one thing I will not believe," I sniff. "We will never find +Attila the Hun or Hitler down there. Or Beelzebub." + +All at once we hear a big rumbling noise and the plexidomed house we are +in shakes and rattles and we are knocked out of our chairs and deposited +on the seats of our corylon rompers. The viso-screen blacks out, I get +to all fours and ask, "You think the Nougatines have gone to war again, +D'Ambrosia?" + +"It was not mice," Zahooli gulps. "It is either a hydroradium plant +backfired or a good old-fashioned earthquake." + +After a while we have the viso-screen working. The face of Coordinator +Five appears. He says the worst earthquake in five centuries has +happened. There is a crack in the real estate of Department X6 near the +Rockies that makes the Grand Canyon look like a kid just scraped a stick +through some mud. Infra-Red Cross units, he says, are rocketing to the +area. + +"There might be somethin' goin' on inside this earth," I says. "If you +don't poke a hole in a baked potato its busts right open from heat +generated inside. Our project, D'Ambrosia, seems even more expedient +than ever." + +"That is a new word for 'insane' I must look up," Zahooli says. + +Professor Apsox Zalpha comes out with a statement the next morning. He +says the quake confirms his theory that the inside of the Earth is as +hot as a Venutian calypso number, and that gases are being generated by +the heat and that we haven't volcanoes enough on the surface to allow +them to escape. + +Exmud R. Zmorro comes and asks me if I have an opinion. + +"Ha," I laugh. "I have many on file in the Neuropsychiatorium. Just go +and take your pick. However, I will give you one ad lib and sub rosa. +There is more downstairs than Professor Zalpha dreams about. Who is he +to say there is no civilization in inner space as well as outer? How do +we know that there is not a globe inside a globe with some kind of space +or atmosphere in between?" + +Exmud R. Zmorro says thanks and leaves in quite a hurry. I snap off the +gadget and head for my rocket jeep, and fifteen seconds later I am +walking into the factory where a hundred citizens are already at work on +the inner spaceship. It is listing a little to port from the quake but +the head mech says it will be all straightened out in a few hours. It +is just a skeleton ship at the moment with the auger already in place +and the point about three feet into the ground. + +D'Ambrosia Zahooli comes in and says he has been to see Commander +Bizmuth Aquinox. "He will give just enough of the atom pile for seventy +million miles," he says. "And only enough superhydrogenerated radium to +push us twenty million miles, Sep. I think we should write to Number +One. I explained to the space brass that we have got to come up again +after going down and have to reverse the blast tubes. It is radium we +have to have to make the return trip. I says a half a pound would do it. +You know what I think? I bet they don't believe we'll ever git back. And +was their laughs dirty!" + +"Skeptics have lived since the beginnin' of time," I scoff. "They +laughed at Leonardo da Vinci, Columbus, Edison, a guy named Durante. +Even the guy who first sat down at a pianer. We will take what we can +git, pal, and then come back and laugh at them." + +"I wish you was more convincin'," D'Ambrosia says. "I have +claustrophobia and would hate to git stuck in an over-sized fountain pen +halfway to the middle of this earth." + +"Hand me those plans," I says sharply. "And stop scarin' me." + +Three months later we have it made. Technicians come from four planets +to look at the Magnificent Mole. The area is alive with members of the +Interplanetary Press, the Cosmic News Bureau, and the Universe Feature +Service. Two perspiring citizens arrive and tear up two insurance +policies right in front of my eyes. An old buddy of mine in the war +against the Nougatines says he wants to go with me. His name is Axitope +Wurpz. He has been flying cargo between Earth and Parsnipia and says he +is quite unable to explain certain expense items in his book. A +Parsnipian D.A. is trying to serve him a subpoena. + +"You are in, Axie," I says. "A crew of three is enough as that is about +all the oxygen we can store up. Meet D'Ambrosia Zahooli." + +"Why is he wearing a mask?" Wurpz quips. + +"You are as funny as a plutonium crutch," Zahooli says. + +"No hard feelin's," Wurpz says, and takes a small flask out of his +pocket. "We will drink to Operation Earthworm." + +As might have been expected, we run into some snags. The Euthanasia +Society serve us with papers as they maintain nobody can commit suicide +in the year 2022 without permission from the Board. Gulflex and other +oil companies protest to Number One as they say we might open up a hole +that will spill all the petroleum out of the earth all at once, so fast +they couldn't refine it. A spark could ignite it and set the globe on +fire like it was a brandied Christmas pudding. But then another +earthquake shakes Earth from the rice fields of China to the llamas in +Peru just when it looks as if we were about to be tossed into an outer +space pokey. + +The seismologists get together and agree that they can't possibly figure +out the depth of the focus and state that the long waves have to pass +through the epicenter or some such spot underground. Anyway, all the +brass agrees that something is going on in inner space not according to +Hoyle or Euclid or anybody else and that we three characters might just +hit on something of scientific value. + +The Magnificent Mole is built mostly of titanium, a metal which is only +about half as heavy as steel and twice as rugged. It is not quite as big +in diameter as the auger, for if it was any Martian moron knows we would +scrape our sides away before we got down three miles. We store +concentrated chow to last six months and get the acceleration couches +ready. We are to blast down at eighteen point oh-four hours, Friday, May +26th, 2022. Today is Wednesday. The big space brass, the fourteenth +estate haunt the spot marked X. + +We get it both barrels from the jokers carrying press cards. They call +it Operation Upside Down. At last three characters were really going to +dig a hole and pull it in after them. Three hours before Dig-day, Exmud +R. Zmorro interviews us. We are televised around the orbit. + +"Laying all joking aside, Spink," the news analyst says dolefully, "you +don't expect this to work." + +"Of courst!" I says emphatically. "You forget the first man to reach New +Mu was a Spink. A Spink helped Columbus wade ashore in the West Indies. +The first man to invent a road-map all citizens could unfold and +understand was a Spink." + +Zmorro turns to Zahooli and Wurpz. "Don't ask us anythin'!" they yelp in +unison. "You would only git a silly answer." + +"A world inside of a world you said once, Spink. Ha--" + +"Is that impossible? You have seen those ancient sailing ships built +inside of a bottle, Mr. Zmorro," I says. + +He paws at his dome and takes a hyperbenzadrine tablet. "Well, thank +you, Septimus Spink. And have a good trip." + +It is Friday. We climb up the ladder and into the Magnificent Mole. +"Check everything," I says to Wurpz. "You are the sub-strata +astrogator." + +"Rogeria. I hope this worm can turn," Wurpz says. + + * * * * * + +Zahooli checks the instruments. We don't put on space suits, but have a +pressure chamber built in to insure against the bends. I wave good-bye +to the citizens outside and close the door. + +"I have got to git out," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says and heads for the door. +"I forgot somethin'." + +"Huh?" + +"I forgot to resign," he says, and I pull a disintegrator Betsy on him +and tell him to hop back to the controls. + +"Awright, we have computed the masses of fuel we need. Stand by for the +takeoff--er, takedown. Eight seconds. Seven--Six--Five--Four--" + +"I know now my mother raised one idiot," Zahooli says. + +"Three seconds--two seconds--one second!" I go on. "Awright, unload the +pile in one and three tubes! Then when we have gone about five hundred +miles, give us the radium push." + +Whir-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-o-o-om! The Mole shudders like a citizen looking +at his income tax bite and then starts boring. There is a big bright +light all around us, changing color every second, then there is a sound +like all the pneumatomic drills in all the universe is biting through a +thousand four-inch layers of titanium plate. And with it is a rumble of +thunder from all the electric storms since the snake bit Cleopatra. In +less than five seconds we turn on the oxygen just in case, and I jump to +the instrument panel and look at the arrow on a dial. + +"Hey," I yell, "we are makin' a thousand miles per hour through the +ground!" + +"Don't look through the ports," Wurpz says. "In passin' I saw an +angleworm three times the size of a firehose, and a beetle big enough to +saddle." + +"Git into the compression chamber quick," I says to him. "You are +gettin' hallucinations." + +I turn on the air conditioning as it gets as humid in the Mole as in the +Amazon jungle during the dog days. The boring inner spaceship starts +screeching like a banshee. + +I look at the instrument panel again and see we are close to being seven +thousand miles down, and all at once the gauges show we are out of +energy. I look out the port and see a fish staring in at me, and a crab +with eyes like two poached eggs swimming in ketchup. + +Then we are going through dirt again and all of a sudden we come out of +it and I see a city below us all lit up and the buildings are made of +stuff that looks like jade run through with streaks of black. + +The Mole drops down about a thousand more feet and then hits the floor +of the subterranean city and we land like a fountain pen with its point +slammed into the top of a lump of clay. Bo-o-o-o-i-ing! We twang like a +plucked harp string for nearly five minutes and I hit my noggin against +the pilot's seat. + +When I pick up my marbles I look around for either an Elysium field or a +slag heap but instead a creep is staring down at me. He looks part human +and part beetle and has a face the color of the meat of an avocado. His +head is shaped like a pear standing on its stem and has two eyes spaced +about six inches apart and they are as friendly as those of a spitting +cobra irked by hives. He is about four feet tall and has two pairs of +arms. I guess I am still a little delirious or I would not have told +the thing he would make a swell paper hanger. + +The subterranean creep throws a fit and belts me with four fists. +"Dummkopf!" it says, and then I really get scared as he has got a lop of +hair falling down over one eye and has a black mustache the size of a +Venutian four centra stamp over his mouth which is like that of a +pouting goldfish. + +I get to my feet and grab for a railing, and I see Wurpz and Zahooli +held by two other monsters that look more like beetles than the one +standing beside me. + +"Zo!" the creep with the mustache says. "It is a surprise I talk +Universa? We have radar and telepathometers that give us everything that +is said in the upper world." + +I think back and try not to. In the hermetically sealed cylinder back +upstairs among my Americana Spink I have some photographs, Circa 1945. +One is of a citizen of old Nazi Germany who was supposed to have +cremated himself in a bunker. Papers there record that my forebear, +Cyril Spink, had his doubts at the time. + +"I am the Neofeuhrer, Earthman," this creep says. "I will conquer the +universe." + +"Look," I says, pawing beads of sweat as big as the creep's eyes from my +brow, "have you been testin' atom bombs and worse down here?" + +"Jar." + +"There, I knew Professor Zalpha was off the beam," I yelp at Wurpz. +"This is what is causin' the earthquakes." + +"Come, schwine," the creep says. "I will show you something. The tomb of +my ancestor. Then to the museum to show you how he arrived in Subterro +in the year 1945. This is the city of Adolfus. Mach schnell! Heil +Hitler. I am Agrodyte Hitler, grandson of the Liberator." + +The short hairs on the back of my neck start crawling down my spine. We +leave the Mole and walk along a big square paved with a mineral we never +saw upstairs. Thousands of inhabitants of Subterro hiss at us and click +their long black fingers. We walk up a long flight of steps and come to +a cadaver memorial and on the front there are big letters and numerals +in what looks like bloodstone that says: ADOLPH HITLER. 1981. + +"Jar, Earthmen, mortal enemies of Subterro's hero, you thought he did +not escape, hah? Come, we go to the museum." + +We do. In a glass case is an antique U-boat. "I can't believe it," I +says to Zahooli. + +"Neither do I. We never took off. They have us locked up in the booby +hatch in Metropolita. We went nuts." + +"He escaped in a submarine, bringing three of Nazi Germany's smartest +scientists with him. He brought plans showing us he could split the +atom. He brought working models." The creep laughs mockingly. "We have +certain elements down here also. Puranium, better than your uranium. +And pitchblende Plus Nine. It will power our fleet of submarines that +will conquer Earth. It is nearly der tag! We will leave through the +underground river that our benefactor found three miles below the +surface of the ocean near Brazil. It spirals down through this earth and +empties into Lake Schicklegruber eighty miles from here." + +"And Hitler took one of those Subterro dames as a mate, huh," I says. +"It figures. He was not human himself." + +I get another cuffing around but I am too punchy already to feel +anything. The next thing I know I am in the Subterro clink with Wurpz +and Zahooli. D'Ambrosia says maybe we will get released from the strait +jackets soon and get shock treatments and find ourselves back in +Metropolita in our favorite night spot. + +"We have to be dreamin' this," I keep telling myself. The guard looks in +at us and he has little slanting eyes. + +"How did Jap beetles get here?" I ask Wurpz. I shiver. I think of all +the Subterro subs pouring out of a hole under Brazil and sinking all +Earthian merchant marines, and shooting guided missiles that will land +all over the U.S. They could have rays that would reach up over a +million miles and wash up space traffic. + +Then we get another jolt. They bring us our chow and say it is angleworm +and hellgrammite porridge as that is what the Subterro denizens live on +mostly. There is a salad made out of what looks like skunk cabbage +leaves. We found out later that Hitler's brain trust had made an +artificial sun for the Subterrors and they had been given greens for the +first time and increased in size over a hundred per cent. + +"We have got to escape," I says to my pals. + +"That is easy," Zahooli sniffs. "First we have to break through the +walls here, get to the Mole which can't never move again, and then fight +off maybe six million creeps. We would git reduced to cinders by ray +Betsys the minute we hit the street." + +I sigh deeply and reach into my knapsack. I find some lamb stew and +tapioca pudding capsules and split them with Zahooli and Wurpz. Then I +come up with a little box and glance at the label. It says, URGOXA'S +INSECT POWDER--Contains Radiatol. + +I get up nonchalantly and call the guard to the barred window. +Beetlehead sticks his face in close and asks what I want. I empty some +of the powder into the palm of my hand and then blow it into his face. +The Subterro sentry's eyes cross. His face turns as pale as milk and he +collapses like a camp stool. + +"Eureka!" I yelp. "We are in business, pals." + +I hide the box of bug powder when I hear two other creeps come running. +They start yakking in Universa and in bug language both. Agrodyte +Hitler appears and looks in at us. + +"What happened, Great One?" I ask very politely. + +"We will perform an autopsy," Hitler's grandson says, and turns to +another beetlehead. "Open the door," he says. "I am showing my guests +something before we exterminate them. Too bad about Voklogoo. Most +likely a coronary entomothrombosis. Achtung! Raus mitt!" + +"It means get the lead out in old Germanic literature," I says to Wurpz +and Zahooli. + +"It is curtains," D'Ambrosia gulps. "In about five minutes we will be +residue." + +The Neofeuhrer is like all egomaniacs before him. He wants to brag. We +get into a Subterro Jetjeep and drive about twenty miles through the +underground countryside to the entrance to a cave guarded by some extra +tall Subterrors. Hitler the Third leads us into the spelunker's +nightmare and we finally come to a big metal door about eighty feet long +and twenty feet high. + +Agrodyte pushes a button and the steel door lifts. Then we walk up a +flight of steps to the top of a dam and take a gander at a fleet of +submarines that makes Earthian pig-boats look like they belonged in +antique shops. + +"We will take you for a ride in one," the dictator of Subterro says. +"After that I will turn you over to the executioner." + +"We need lawyers," Wurpz says. + +We cross a thin gangplank and enter the sub. The lights in it are +indirect and are purplish green. Hitler Number Three shows us the +telepathic machine, the radar, and the viso-screen that pictures +everything going on upstairs on Earth, and on Mars, Jupiter and all +other planets. There are four other beetleheads on the sub and they +carry disintegrators. + +"These Subterro U-boats," our genial host brags, "can go as fast in +reverse as full speed ahead, as the situation warrants. They are alive +with guided missiles no larger than this flashlight I have here, but one +would blow up your Metropolita and leave hardly an ash." + +He looks at me, and then goes on: "We will proceed to the lock that will +raise us to the underground river and cruise along its course for a few +hundred miles. It is the treat I should accord such distinguished +visitors from the outside of Earth, nein?" + +The skipper of the Subterro sub pulls a switch and there is a noise like +three contented cats purring. The metal fish slides along the surface of +the underground lake and comes to a hole in a big rock ledge. + +We see all this through a monitor which registers the scenery outside +the sub within a radius of three miles. The sub slides into the side of +the rock, and then is lifted up to the underground river that winds and +winds upward like a corkscrew to the outlet under Brazil. Every once in +a while a blast of air that smells like a dentist's office goes through +the sub from bow to stern and I ask why. + +"There is such terrific potency to the power we use from our puranium," +Hitler Number Three says, "that we purify the air every few seconds with +formula XYB and Three-fifth. The basis of the gas is galena." + +I nudge Wurpz and Zahooli as the Neofeuhrer goes over to converse with +his crew. "It is our big chance," I whisper. "You watch how they run +this tub for the next few minutes. Then when I cough three times you be +ready. I do not know how much powder it will take to knock off the big +bug as he is half human. Once I blow this insect powder at the same time +as the purifying blast is to take place, you two be ready to jump +Agrodyte. I noticed that a small purple light flashes on over the +monitor just before that stuff turns loose. It is a warning so the +beetleheads can take deep breaths." + +"Sep," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. "I take back all the insults of the past +five hours. Shake." + +"I am doin' that already," I says. "We have to work fast while we are in +the underground river." + +We wait. The Neofeuhrer comes walking back to where we are sitting. The +purple light flashes on, and I count to three. Just as the blast of air +loaded with XYB plus cuts loose I throw all the bug powder left in the +box into the current. Hitler Number Three breathes in a big gob of it +and buckles a little at the knees. + +"Grab him!" I screech. "Don't let him yank that disintegrator loose. Hit +him with anything you see, pals!" + +I see the other beetleheads collapse like they had been hit with +bulldozers and I know now that insecticide is more dangerous in Subterro +than all the radioactivity harnessed up on six planets. + +Agrodyte Hitler, however, has some moxey left in him as he has two of +his hands around Wurpz's throat, the third around Zahooli's leg and is +reaching for a ray Betsy with his fourth. He grabs the disintegrator +just as I belt him over his ugly noggin with a wrench about two feet +long and which was certainly not made of aluminum or balsa wood. + +"Himmel!" the Neofeuhrer gulps. "Ach du lebensraum!" He has to be hit +once more which is enough and we tie him up with rope that looks like it +was made out of plutonium filaments. + +"Well," I says. "We have a sub from Subterro. Wurpz, you just sit there +at the controls and make sure that needle on the big dial don't move as +I am sure this creep has it on robot so that this tub will automatically +follow the course of the river." + +"We are sure takin' a powder," D'Ambrosia yelps. "Look at the monitor!" + +We see fish gaping at us from the screen that even Earth citizens with +delirium tremens never saw, and I look quite anxiously at the instrument +panel. + +"A thousand miles per and we are climbin'," I says. "I am glad this +Hitler used old Germanic on his subs, and that I majored in it once. +I--er--I am gettin' arthritis all at once! The bends! Uh--er--look, peel +them suits off the other creeps and fast, Zahooli, as I bet they can be +inflated and made into compression chambers. They have got connections +that plug into something." + +We pull on the suits which were too big for the beetleheads and for a +good reason. More bends than there are in the Ohio River are with us +before we plug into the right socket. The suits bulge out until our feet +almost leave the floor. I grin through my helmet at Wurpz. + +The sub keeps purring and purring. The altimeter registers four thousand +feet. It is a caution, an altimeter in a sub. Two hours later we shoot +out through a hole deep under the coast of Brazil and I know we are in +the ocean as the monitor shows some old wrecked ships about three miles +from us. We disconnect the Subterro anti-bends kimonos and peel them +off. Agrodyte Hitler is moving two of his arms when we climb toward the +surface. + +"Hah, we will make a sucker out of history," I says to Wurpz. "And wait +until we show this creep to Professor Zalpha and Exmud R. Zmorro." + +We come to the surface and contact an Earthian Franco-Austro atomic +luxury liner. The skipper's pan registers on the viso-screen. "This is +Septimus Spink," I says. "Commander of Inner Spaceship Magnificent Mole. +I have come from the center of Earth with a captured Subterro submarine +and Agrodyte Hitler, the Neofeuhrer. Over and out." + +The universe goes into a cosmic dither when we slide into a berth in +Hampton Rhodus. Thousands of citizens hail us as we ride to Metropolita +in a Supercaddijet. Behind us in a truck trailer made mostly of +transparent duralucite is our captive, the descendant of Adolph Hitler +and three dead Subterro beetle people. + +"Well, you won't give up so easy on a Spink from now on," I says to +Zahooli. "We are heroes and will get medals. First thing we have to do, +though," I says to Coordinator One sitting in the jet sedan with us, "is +to take care of the hole Earth has in its head. All we have to do is +drop that new bomb down the tunnel we made and it will wash up all those +subs that are left and most likely cause a flood that will inundate +Subterro. What do you think?" + +The brass is still tongue-tied. "One thing I must do and that is see +that a certain insecticide manufacturer gets a plug on Interplanetary +TV," I continue. "Ha, we took the bugs out of this planet. It should +work quite smooth from now on." + +"I still believe in reincarnation," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. "I have the +darndest feeling I've been through almost as big nightmares with you +before, Sep." + + * * * * * + +_Interplanetary Press, Circa 2022, Junius XXIV--Professor Apsox Zalpha, +eminent professor of cosmogony, and Exmud R. Zmorro, leading news +analyst of seven worlds, have entered the Metropolita Neuropsychiatorium +for a routine checkup. They emphatically denied that it was connected in +any way with a lecture given recently by Septimus Spink, first man to +explore inner space, at the Celestial Cow Palace in San Francisco. Both +men expect to remain for two weeks. "Of course there is nothing wrong +with either of us," Professor Zalpha told your correspondent. "But if +you see a beetle, please do not step on it. It could be somebody's +mother."_ + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from _Fantastic Universe_ September 1955. + Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. + copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and + typographical errors have been corrected without note. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Operation Earthworm, by Joe Archibald + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION EARTHWORM *** + +***** This file should be named 29303.txt or 29303.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/3/0/29303/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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