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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+November 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: July 19, 2009 [EBook #29454]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 147.
+
+November 25, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+ENVER PASHA, in a proclamation to the Turkish troops, says: "The army
+will destroy all our enemies with the aid of Allah and the assistance
+of the Prophet." It is rumoured that the KAISER is a little bit piqued
+about it.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn from a German paper that, since the brave Ottomans have
+discovered that their Culture and that of the Germans are one, many
+Englishmen who live in Crescents are crying out in fury for an
+alteration of their addresses.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Berlin journal, about 2,000 players of orchestral
+instruments have been thrown out of employment by the war. It is
+suggested that, with a view to providing them with more employment,
+reverses as well as victories should be musically celebrated in the
+capital.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to see that the names of battles in Belgium show a
+tendency to become more cheery. The other day, for instance, we
+had the battle of the Yperlee--and we may yet have a battle of
+Yip-i-yaddy-i-yay.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that a compromise has been arrived at in regard to the
+proposal, emanating from America, that the war shall be stopped for
+twenty-four hours on Christmas Day. The combatants, it is said, have
+agreed to fire plum-puddings instead of cannon-balls.
+
+       ***
+
+Among the promotions which we do not remember seeing gazetted is that
+of KARL GUSTAV ERNST, a German barber-spy. At the Old Bailey, the
+other day, Mr. Justice COLERIDGE promoted him to be a Steinhauer or
+stone-hacker.
+
+       ***
+
+    "'MIRACLE' PRODUCER KILLED."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+This is unfortunate for the Germans, for if ever they needed a miracle
+it is now.
+
+       ***
+
+"Information that has come into our possession," says _The Grocer_,
+"proves _to our satisfaction_ that Germany has been receiving
+plentiful supplies of tea from our shores through neutral countries
+since the outbreak of hostilities." The italics are ours: the
+satisfaction appears to be our contemporary's.
+
+       ***
+
+A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting department of our army. "Why
+go for the single man?" he asks. "We may expect just as much courage
+from the married man. He has already proved his pluck."
+
+       ***
+
+    "HOW DE WET ESCAPED. A MISSING LINK IN THE CORDON."--_Observer_.
+
+The Germans, who have already been calling the Allied forces "The
+Menagerie," should appreciate this item.
+
+       ***
+
+Angry newspaper men are now calling a certain institution the Suppress
+Bureau.
+
+       ***
+
+A solicitor having announced that he is prepared to make the wills of
+the men of a certain regiment free of charge, another enterprising
+legal gentleman, not to be outdone, would like it to be known that he
+is willing to act as residuary legatee without a fee.
+
+       ***
+
+In his interesting sketch, in _The Times_, of the PRINCE OF WALES'
+career at the University, the PRESIDENT of Magdalen mentions that His
+Royal Highness "shot at various country houses round Oxford." We hope
+that this will not be quoted against the PRINCE by a spiteful German
+Press, should any bullet marks be found one day on the walls of some
+castle on the Rhine.
+
+       ***
+
+It came as quite an unpleasant surprise to many persons to learn from
+Mr. ASQUITH that the War is costing us a million pounds a day, that
+being more than some of us spend in a year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.
+
+_Customer_. "BRING ME SOME SOUP, PLEASE."
+
+_Waitress (absent-mindedly)_. "YES, SIR; PURL OR PLAIN, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The End of the Press Bureau.
+
+    "Members of several guilds carried their banners in the
+    procession which went round the church to the accompaniment of
+    impressive music and the swinging of censors."--_South Western
+    Star_.
+
+If this had got about, there would have been a bigger crowd at the
+ceremony. As it was, Fleet Street was taken by surprise, and only had
+time to prepare a few fireworks for the evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Among other public buildings in a certain town which for many
+    reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning ... on a
+    day and date which I need not trouble to repeat...."
+
+No, this is not from our Special Representative behind the Front; it
+is the opening passage of _Oliver Twist_, and shows what a splendid
+War Correspondent DICKENS would have made.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Teuton Anatomy.
+
+    "The clay feet of Germany will be revealed when we take off
+    the gloves."--_Mr. ARNOLD WHITE in "The Sunday Chronicle."_
+
+So that's where they wear them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Questioned with reference to a letter written by him to
+    Steinhauer, in which he said, 'The name of the gentleman in
+    Woolwich Arsenal is ----,' the prisoner said that was a false
+    name."--_Times_.
+
+It's a very silly name anyway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The announcement issued by the Press Bureau that carrier
+    pigeons are to be used officially for certain purposes is an
+    extremely interesting reversion to what we had regarded as
+    almost premature ways of carrying news."--_Westminster
+    Gazette_.
+
+Not so premature as the WOLFF method.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Information for the Enemy.
+
+    "BRITAIN'S SUGAR SUPPLY.
+    SUFFICIENT FOR EIGHT MOUTHS."--_Aberdeen Evening Gazette_.
+
+We insist on providing one of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Now came the drums and fifes, and now the blare of the brass
+    instruments, and continuously the singing of the soldiers
+    of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges of
+    Brus-Rhein.'"--_Adelaide Advertiser_.
+
+A good song, but (so it has always struck us) a clumsy title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from Army Routine Orders, Expeditionary Force, Nov. 9th:--
+
+    "It is notified for information that shooting in the Forest of
+    Clairmarais and certain portions of the adjacent country is
+    preserved."
+
+Clever Germans are now disguising themselves as pheasants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF PATRIOTISM.
+
+Helen and I are economising; so the other evening we dined at the
+Rococo.
+
+"That's no economy," you cry; so let me explain.
+
+In common with most other folk who are not engaged in the manufacture
+of khaki, or rifles, or Army woollens, or heavy siege-guns (to which I
+had not the foresight to turn my attention before the war came along),
+we have found it necessary to adopt a policy of retrenchment and
+reform; and one of our first moves in this direction was to convert
+Evangeline from a daily into a half-daily. Evangeline is not a
+newspaper but a domestic servant, and before the new order was issued
+she had been in the habit of arriving at our miniature flat at 7.30 in
+the morning (when it wasn't 8.15), and retiring at 9 in the evening.
+
+Now, however, Evangeline goes after lunch, and Helen, who has bought a
+shilling cookery book, prepares the dinner herself.
+
+On the day in question Helen suddenly decided to spend the afternoon
+repairing a week's omissions on the part of Evangeline. It proved a
+veritable labour of Hercules, the flat being, as Helen with near
+enough accuracy gave me to understand, an "Aegæan stable." Tea-time
+came, but brought no tea. Shortly before seven Helen struck, and
+declared (this time without any classical metaphor) that she wasn't
+going to cook any dinner that evening. Not to be outdone, I affirmed
+in reply that even if she did cook it I wasn't going to clear it away.
+So we cleaned and adorned ourselves and groped our way to the Rococo.
+
+We were both too tired to go to the trouble of choosing our dinner,
+and it was therefore that we elected to make our way through the
+_table-d'hôte_, to which we felt that our appetite, unimpaired by tea,
+could do full justice. Luxuriously we toyed with _hors-d'oeuvre_,
+while the orchestra patriotically intimated that ours is a Land of
+Hope and Glory; blissfully we consumed our soup, undeterred by
+repeated reminders of the distance to Tipperary. It was with the fish
+that the trouble started.
+
+At the second mouthful it began to dawn upon me that what the band
+was playing was the _Brabançonne_. I looked around, and gathered
+that I was not alone in the realisation of that fact; for one by one
+my fellow-diners struggled hesitatingly to their feet, and stood in
+awkward reverence while the National Anthem of our brave Belgian
+Allies was in course of execution. I looked at Helen, and Helen
+looked at me, and we both tried not to look too regretfully at our
+plates as we also adopted the prevailing pose. Not one note of that
+light-hearted anthem did the orchestra miss, and when it was over the
+warmth in our hearts almost compensated for the coldness of our
+fish. We decided to jump at once to the _entrée_.
+
+Whatever else may be said of the _Marseillaise_, there can be no
+mistaking its identity. The first bar sufficed to bring the whole room
+to attention, and a promising dish of sweetbreads shared the fate of
+its predecessor. Before the final crash had ceased to reverberate we
+sat down with a thump, resigning ourselves to the prospect of doing
+double justice to the joint. But the orchestra was not so lightly
+to be cheated of its prey. True, we held out as long as possible
+while the Russian Hymn began to unfold its majestic length, and
+Helen actually managed to convey a considerable piece of saddle of
+mutton to her mouth while she was in the very act of rising. That
+joint, however, was soon but a memory of anticipation, and our hunger
+was still keen upon us when the funereal strains of the Japanese
+Anthem coincided with the arrival of a wild duck. I had always
+harboured secret doubts of the advisability of Japan's joining in the
+War, and now they were intensified many times. Cold wild duck is an
+impossibility even to a hungry man.
+
+Ice-pudding, though scarcely satisfying, seemed to warrant the
+expectation that it would at least survive whatever further ordeal the
+band had in store for us. But that hope too was doomed to extinction.
+When _God Save the King_ smote the air the growing lethargy of the
+company of diners vanished, and all joined with a will in the recital
+of all its verses. In the glow of loyal enthusiasm that filled the
+room the ice gradually melted, and as we surveyed the fluid mess upon
+our plates we knew that our dinner was gone beyond recall.
+
+Weary and unappeased we crept home through the City of Dreadful Night.
+I found a remnant of cold beef and some pickles in the kitchen, and on
+this we went to bed. I slept but little, and on five occasions watched
+Helen, who has dreams, get out of bed and stand to attention.
+
+Of course it might have been worse; for the musicians of the Rococo
+evidently had not learnt the national airs of Serbia and Montenegro;
+and Portugal had not then been drawn into the War. But until the
+trouble is over I shall avoid restaurants which harbour an orchestra.
+As you say, it is no economy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MR. BERNARD JAW.
+
+  Illustrious Jester, who in happier days
+  Amused us with your Prefaces and Plays,
+  Acquiring a precarious renown
+  By turning laws and morals upside down,
+  Sticking perpetual pins in Mrs. Grundy,
+  Railing at marriage or the British Sunday,
+  And lavishing your acid ridicule
+  On the foundations of imperial rule;--
+  'Twas well enough in normal times to sit
+  And watch the workings of your wayward wit,
+  But in these bitter days of storm and stress,
+  When souls are shown in all their nakedness,
+  Your devastating egotism stands out
+  Denuded of the last remaining clout.
+  You own our cause is just, yet can't refrain
+  From libelling those who made its justice plain;
+  You chide the Prussian Junkers, yet proclaim
+  Our statesmen beat them at their own vile game.
+
+  Thus, bent on getting back at any cost
+  Into the limelight you have lately lost,
+  And, high above war's trumpets loudly blown
+  On land and sea, eager to sound your own,
+  We find you faithful to your ancient plan
+  Of disagreeing with the average man,
+  And all because you think yourself undone
+  Unless in a minority of one.
+
+  Vain to the core, thus in the nation's need
+  You carp and cavil while your brothers bleed,
+  And while on England vitriol you bestow
+  You offer balsam to her deadliest foe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a commercial traveller's letter to his chief:--
+
+    "DEAR SIR,--On Wednesday next I want you to allow me the day
+    off. My wife having lost her mother is being buried on that
+    date and I should like to attend the funeral."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a child's essay on CROMWELL:--
+
+    "In his last years, Cromwell grew very much afraid of plots,
+    and it is said that he even wore underclothes to protect
+    himself."
+
+We wonder if the KAISER knows of this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CARRYING ON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Worst Character in the village (who has repeatedly
+been pressed by the inhabitants to enlist)_. "I DUNNA BELIEVE THERE AIN'T
+NO WAR. I BELIEVE IT'S JUST A PLOT TO GET ME OUT OF THE VILLAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AWAKENING.
+
+  "Here no howitzers speak in stern styles,
+    Light and gay is the leathern bomb,
+  We pay our sixpences down at the turnstiles,
+    And that is our centre, name of Tom;
+          Wild thunder rolls
+          When he scores his goals,
+  And up in the air go Alf and Ern's tiles;
+    But what is this rumour of war? Whence cometh it from?"
+
+  So said Bottlesham, best of cities
+    Watching the ball from seats above.
+  "Belgium ruined? A thousand pities!
+    Bother the KAISER'S mailéd glove!"
+          But it left no stings
+          When they heard these things,
+  Though they wept as the brown bird weeps for Itys
+    On the day that the Wanderers whacked them two to love.
+
+  Suddenly then the news came flying,
+    "English mariners meet the Dutch,
+  Tars interned, with the neutrals vieing,
+    Beaten at Gröningen." Wild hands clutch
+          At the evening sheets
+          And the swift pulse beats;
+  Is the fame of HAWKE and FROBISHER dying?
+    The heart of the town is stirred by the NELSON touch.
+
+  Six--five. It's true. And the tears bedizen
+    The smoke-stained cheeks, and there comes a scream,
+  "If our English lads in a far-off prison
+    Are matched one day with a German team
+          And the Germans win,
+          They will say in Berlin
+  That a brighter than all our stars has risen;
+    Will even the Bottlesham Rovers stand supreme?
+
+  "Infantry, cavalry, guard and lancer--
+    Who on that day will bear the brunt,
+  With twinkling feet like a tip-toe dancer
+    Dribbling about while the half-backs grunt?
+          There is only one
+          Who can vanquish the Hun!"
+  And Bottlesham town with a cry made answer,
+    "There is only one; we must send our Tom to the front."
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RIVAL OF "TIPPERARY."
+
+While much has been written of the songs that inspire our own brave
+troops on the march, little is heard of those affected by our Allies.
+
+Happily _Mr. Punch's_ Special Eye-witness with General Headquarters in
+the Eastern Area has been enabled to send us the words of a song
+which, set to an old Slav air, is rendered with immense _élan_ by the
+gallant Russians as they go into battle. It is as follows:--
+
+  It's a hard nut is Cracow,
+    It's a hard nut to crack,
+  But it's not so hard to crack, oh!
+    When once you've got the knack.
+  Good-bye, Przemysl;
+    Farewell, Lemberg (Lwow);
+  It's a hard, hard nut to crack is Cracow,
+    But we'll soon crack it now.
+
+By the more cultured Russian regiments, _i.e._, those recruited in the
+neighbourhood of the German frontier, the last line is rendered:--
+
+  But we'll crack it right off,
+
+to rhyme with Lvoff--the correct pronunciation of Lwow, according to a
+contemporary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+KING HENRY IV., PART I.
+
+I commend Sir HERBERT TREE'S obvious desire to do his duty as an
+actor-manager and a patriot. His true intent is all for our good; and
+he supports his choice of a play in which _Falstaff_ is the central
+obsession by a printed quotation from the words of "That Wise Ruler
+Queen Elizabeth of England," where she says: "'Tis simple mirth
+keepeth high courage alive." But yet he does not convince me that he
+has chosen wisely here. For in the first place we are not closely
+interested in civil war, as we came near to being in the dim Ulster
+period; and patriotism, which it is his object to encourage, is like
+to remain unaffected by a play in which our sympathies are fairly
+distributed between rebel and royalist. In the second place I cannot
+believe that the glorification of drunkenness and braggadocio in the
+person of _Falstaff_ can directly assist the cause (which at this
+moment needs all the help it can get) of sobriety and self-respect.
+
+[Illustration: _The King_ (Mr. BASIL GILL) reclaims young _Harry_ (Mr.
+OWEN NARES) from old _Harry_ (the Devil).]
+
+Having made this protest I have little but praise for the performance
+itself, though I think Sir HERBERT TREE'S own lethargy was not wholly
+to be excused by the hampering rotundity of his girth; and that all
+this deliberate sword-play, where you wait till your enemy has got his
+right guard before you arrange a concussion between your weapon and
+his, fails to impose itself as an image of War. But it was no fault of
+the actors if we suffered a further loss of actuality by the
+incredible amount of fine poetry and rhetoric thrown off by military
+men at junctures calling for immediate action.
+
+I also venture to make my complaint to the author that the _Falstaff_
+scenes are given too great a dominance, diverting us from the main
+issue so long that at one time we almost lost count of it; and that
+the picture of that fat impostor lying supine in a simulation of death
+within a few feet of the fallen body of the heroic _Hotspur_ was
+repellent to one's sense of the proprieties.
+
+Mr. MATHESON LANG was a brave figure as _Hotspur_; but, after lately
+seeing that other keen actor, Mr. OWEN NARES, in the part of a modern
+intellectual discussing the ethics of War, I could not quite get
+myself to believe in him as _Prince Hal_. He spoke some of his lines
+with a fine ardour, but he was too high-browed and slight of body, and
+it was unthinkable that he could ever have persuaded _Hotspur_ to die
+at his hands.
+
+Sir HERBERT TREE affected an almost proprietary interest in the
+bibulous humours of _Falstaff_, presenting them with an easy and
+leisurely restraint; and Mr. BASIL GILL both in form and manner made a
+quite good _King_. The minor parts upheld the standard of His
+Majesty's; and a pleasant rattling of steel and shimmer of mail ran
+through the scenes of active service. Mr. PERCY MACQUOID had seen to
+it that the period was there, and Mr. JOSEPH HARKER had taken good
+care that the jewelry of SHAKSPEARE'S verse should have the right
+setting, though I could easily have mistaken his Gadshill scene for a
+section of the Lake Country.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GRIEVANCE.
+
+Nothing is too good for our fighting men. Let my subscription to that
+axiom be complete; and yet----
+
+Well, it is like this. A man who is only a year or so too old for
+active service, but feels as fit and keen as a boy, has so many
+opportunities for regretting his enforced civilism and absence from
+the arena that it is hard when additional ones are thrust upon him.
+
+He may do his best at home. He may guard gasworks, or organise funds,
+or campaign as an enlister, or visit the hospitals; but all the time
+he is conscious that being here is so different from being there. It
+galls him day and night, and the only thing that can help him at all
+is the society of lovely women, and now he has lost that!
+
+I hate to grumble, and I have, I believe, shouldered my share of the
+new taxes like a man, but I am not made of such stern stuff as to be
+superior to all human aid, and in my own case the mortification of
+non-combating, which now and then becomes depressingly acute, is to be
+alleviated only in this way. Nice women must do their part.
+
+But do they? No. They did at first, but no longer.
+
+Let me tell you. The other evening I found myself one of the
+complacent hosts of a party of merry chattering young women, who
+seemed to be quite satisfied with our attention. All of us were just
+beginning to be very jolly, and I had actually forgotten my hard
+destiny of inactivity, when who should come into the room but an
+officer on crutches, who happened to be an acquaintance of each of our
+guests but was unknown both to me and my other just too elderly male
+friends. In an instant we were alone, and alone we remained for
+certainly half an hour, while every attention was being paid by our
+guests to that other. When at last they tore themselves away and
+returned, their conversation was wholly confined to their wounded
+friend's adventures, and we need not have been there at all, except to
+pay the bill.
+
+Now it is no fun to me to deceive anyone but myself, and hence I shall
+not go about with my arm in a sling and win sympathy and attention to
+which I am not entitled; but I do appeal to all the young women to
+have a little pity on some of us compulsory stay-at-homes. Nothing is
+too good for our fighting men. I repeat it. But just a tiny spark of
+animation might be retained in the feminine eye when it alights upon
+an old friend who is debarred from taking arms. Just a spark,
+otherwise we shall go into a melancholy decline.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Smart Work.
+
+    "Owner gone to the front, friend offers his Wolseley ... £165,
+    an extraordinary opportunity."--_Advt. in "Autocar."_
+
+If we were not confident that we should be wrong in putting upon these
+words the sinister interpretation which they invite, we shouldn't envy
+the advertiser when the owner returns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From verses in _Punch_, October 21st:--
+
+  "We have made progress near to Berry au Bac,
+  And on our right wing there is nothing new."
+
+From the French official report, November 12th:--
+
+    "We have also made some progress around Berry au Bac."
+
+And on the right wing there was nothing new.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR.
+
+PUBLIC SPEAKERS ATTEND A CLASS FOR THE PURPOSE OF LEARNING TO PRONOUNCE
+CORRECTLY THE PHRASE: "WE SHALL NOT SHEATHE THE SWORD UNTIL, ETC., ETC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAN.
+
+  Fan, the hunt terrier, runs with the pack,
+  A little white bitch with a patch on her back;
+  She runs with the pack as her ancestors ran--
+  We're an old-fashioned lot here and breed 'em like Fan;
+        Round of skull, harsh of coat, game and little and low,
+        The same as we bred sixty seasons ago.
+
+  So she's harder than nails, and she's nothing to learn
+  From her scarred little snout to her cropped little stern,
+  And she hops along gaily, in spite of her size,
+  With twenty-four couples of big badger-pyes:
+        'Tis slow, but 'tis sure is the old white and grey,
+        And 'twill sing to a fox for a whole winter day.
+
+  Last year at Rook's Rough, just as Ben put 'em in,
+  'Twas Fan found the rogue who was curled in the whin;
+  She pounced at his brush with a drive and a snap,
+  "_Yip-Yap_, boys," she told 'em, "I've found him, _Yip-Yap_;"
+        And they put down their noses and sung to his line
+        Away down the valley most tuneful and fine.
+
+  'Twas a point of ten miles and a kill in the dark
+  That scared the cock pheasants in Fallowfield Park,
+  And into the worry flew Fan like a shot
+  And snatched the tit-bit that old Rummage had got;
+        _Eloop_, little Fan with the patch on her back,
+        She broke up the fox with the best of the pack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE CHILDREN.
+
+    [_The Hospital for Sick Children in Great Ormond Street, where
+    many Belgian children are now being cared for, is in very
+    urgent need of funds to enable it to maintain its beneficent
+    work. The Treasurer will gladly receive and acknowledge any
+    subscriptions that may be sent._]
+
+  O generous hearts that freely give,
+    Nor heed the lessening of your store,
+  So but our well-loved land may live,
+    Much have you given--give once more!
+
+  For little children spent with toil,
+    For little children worn with pain,
+  I ask a gift of healing oil--
+    Say, shall I ask for it in vain?
+
+  For, since our days are filled with woe,
+    And all the paths are dark and chill,
+  This thought may cheer us as we go,
+    And bring us light and comfort still;
+
+  This, this may stay our faltering feet,
+    And this our mournful minds beguile:--
+  We helped some little heart to beat
+    And taught some little face to smile.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MONITORS AT WORK OFF KNOCKE," says _The Daily Mail_, and by way of
+reply the Germans knocked off work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PATRIOT.
+
+This is a true story. Unless you promise to believe me, it is not much
+good my going on.... You promise? Very well.
+
+Years ago I bought a pianola. I went into the shop to buy a gramophone
+record, and I came out with a pianola--so golden-tongued was the
+manager. You would think that one could then retire into private life
+for a little, but it is only the beginning. There is the music-stool
+to be purchased, the library subscription, the tuner's fee (four
+visits a year, if you please), the cabinet for the rolls, the man to
+oil the pedals, the----however, one gets out of the shop at last. Nor
+do I regret my venture. It is common talk that my pianola was the
+chief thing about me which attracted Celia. "I _must_ marry a man with
+a pianola," she said ... and there was I ... and here, in fact, we
+are. My blessings, then, on the golden tongue of the manager.
+
+Now there is something very charming in a proper modesty about
+one's attainments, but it is necessary that the attainments should
+be generally recognized first. It was admirable in STEPHENSON to
+have said (as I am sure he did), when they congratulated him on
+his first steam-engine, "Tut-tut, it's nothing;" but he could
+only say this so long as the others were in a position to offer
+the congratulations. In order to place you in that position I
+must let you know how extraordinarily well I played the pianola.
+I brought to my interpretation of different Ops an _élan_, a
+_verve_, a _je ne sais quoi_--and several other French words--which
+were the astonishment of all who listened to me. But chiefly I
+was famous for my playing of one piece: "The Charge of the Uhlans,"
+by KARL BOHM. Others may have seen Venice by moonlight, or heard
+the Vicar's daughter recite _Little Jim_, but the favoured few
+who have been present when BOHM and I were collaborating are the
+ones who have really lived. Indeed, even the coldest professional
+critic would have spoken of it as "a noteworthy rendition."
+
+"The Charge of the Uhlans." If you came to see me, you had to hear it.
+As arranged for the pianola, it was marked to be played throughout at
+a lightning pace and with the loudest pedal on. So one would play it
+if one wished to annoy the man in the flat below; but a true musician
+has, I take it, a higher aim. I disregarded the "FF.'s" and the other
+sign-posts on the way, and gave it my own interpretation. As played by
+me, "The Charge of the Uhlans" became a whole battle scene. Indeed, it
+was necessary, before I began, that I should turn to my audience and
+describe the scene to them--in the manner, but not in the words, of a
+Queen's Hall programme:--
+
+"Er--first of all you hear the cavalry galloping past, and then
+there's a short hymn before action while they form up, and then comes
+the charge, and then there's a slow bit while they--er--pick up the
+wounded, and then they trot slowly back again. And if you listen
+carefully to the last bit you'll actually hear the horses limping."
+
+Something like that I would say; and it might happen that an
+insufferable guest (who never got asked again) would object that the
+hymn part was unusual in real warfare.
+
+"They sang it in this piece anyhow," I would say stiffly, and turn my
+back on him and begin.
+
+But the war put a stop to music as to many other things. For three
+months the pianola has not been played by either of us. There are two
+reasons for this: first, that we simply haven't the time now; and
+secondly, that we are getting all the music we want from the flat
+below. The flat below is learning "Tipperary" on one finger. He gets
+as far as the farewell to Leicester Square, and then he breaks down;
+the parting is too much for him.
+
+I was not, then, surprised at the beginning of this month to find
+Celia looking darkly at the pianola.
+
+"It's very ugly," she began.
+
+"We can't help our looks," I said in my grandmother's voice.
+
+"A bookcase would be much prettier there."
+
+"But not so tuneful."
+
+"A pianola isn't tuneful if you never play it."
+
+"True," I said.
+
+Celia then became very alluring, and suggested that I might find
+somebody who would like to be lent a delightful pianola for a year or
+so by somebody whose delightful wife had her eye on a delightful
+bookcase.
+
+"I might," I said.
+
+"Somebody," said Celia, "who isn't supplied with music from below."
+
+I found John. He was quite pleased about it, and promised to return
+the pianola when the war was over.
+
+So on Wednesday it went. I was not sorry, because in its silence it
+was far from beautiful, and we wanted another bookcase badly. But on
+Tuesday evening--its last hours with us--I had to confess to a certain
+melancholy. It is sad to part with an old and well-tried friend,
+particularly when that friend is almost entirely responsible for your
+marriage. I looked at the pianola and then I said to Celia, "I must
+play it once again."
+
+"Please," said Celia.
+
+"The old masterpiece, I suppose?" I said, as I got it out.
+
+"Do you think you ought to--now? I don't think I want to hear a charge
+of the Uhlans--beasts; I want a charge of our own men."
+
+"Art," I said grandly, "knows no frontiers." I suppose this has been
+said by several people several times already, but for the moment both
+Celia and I thought it was rather clever.
+
+So I placed the roll in the pianola, sat down and began to play....
+
+Ah, the dear old tune....
+
+Dash it all!
+
+"What's happened?" said Celia, breaking a silence which had become
+alarming.
+
+"I must have put it in wrong," I said.
+
+I wound the roll off, put it in again, and tried a second time,
+pedalling vigorously.
+
+Dead silence....
+
+Hush! A note ... another silence ... and then another note....
+
+I pedalled through to the end. About five notes sounded.
+
+"Celia," I said, "this is wonderful."
+
+It really was wonderful. For the first time in its life my pianola
+refused to play "The Charge of the Uhlans." It had played it a hundred
+times while we were at peace with Germany, but when we were at
+war--no!
+
+We had to have a farewell piece. I put in a waltz, and it played it
+perfectly. Then we said good-bye to our pianola, feeling a reverence
+for it which we had never felt before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You don't believe this? Yet you promised you would ... and I still
+assure you that it is true. But I admit that the truth is sometimes
+hard to believe, and the first six persons to whom I told the story
+assured me frankly that I was a liar. If one is to be called a liar,
+one may as well make an effort to deserve the name. I made an effort,
+therefore, with the seventh person.
+
+"I put in 'The Charge of the Uhlans,'" I said, "and it played 'God
+Save the King.'"
+
+Unfortunately he was a very patriotic man indeed, and he believed it.
+So that is how the story is now going about. But you who read this
+know the real truth of the matter.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Things worth waiting for.
+
+    "Other pictures are announced, among them 'Trilby,' with Sir
+    H. Beerbohm Tree in the title-rôle."--_Blackheath Local
+    Guide_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUTH ABOUT ----.
+
+FACSIMILE SKETCHES BY OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT AT ----.
+
+[Illustration: FOR THREE DAYS ---- LAY WOUNDED.]
+
+[Illustration: WAS PICKED UP BY ---- AND PLACED IN PASSING WAGON.]
+
+[Illustration: DISCOVERED THEREIN A QUANTITY OF HIDDEN ----.]
+
+[Illustration: THE EXPRESSION ON THE DRIVER'S FACE TOLD HIM ----.]
+
+[Illustration: AFTER A DESPERATE STRUGGLE HE OVERCAME THE DRIVER AND
+DROVE WAGON TO ----.]
+
+[Illustration: He found the village damaged. The above sketch gives the
+exact positions of ---- and ----. To the right of the ---- can be seen
+the ruins of the ----.]
+
+[Illustration: IGNORING THE ----'S FIRE HE RAN FOR SEVERAL MILES;]
+
+[Illustration: AND CAME FACE TO FACE WITH ---- WHO SAID ---- ----.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To the Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Roberts of Kandahar and Pretoria.
+
+BORN, 1832.    DIED, ON SERVICE AT THE FRONT, NOV. 14TH, 1914.
+
+  He died, as soldiers die, amid the strife,
+    Mindful of England in his latest prayer;
+  God, of His love, would have so fair a life
+          Crowned with a death as fair.
+
+  He might not lead the battle as of old,
+    But, as of old, among his own he went,
+  Breathing a faith that never once grew cold,
+          A courage still unspent.
+
+  So was his end; and, in that hour, across
+    The face of War a wind of silence blew,
+  And bitterest foes paid tribute to the loss
+          Of a great heart and true.
+
+  But we who loved him, what have we to lay
+    For sign of worship on his warrior-bier?
+  What homage, could his lips but speak to-day,
+          Would he have held most dear?
+
+  Not grief, as for a life untimely reft;
+    Not vain regret for counsel given in vain;
+  Not pride of that high record he has left,
+          Peerless and pure of stain;
+
+  But service of our lives to keep her free,
+    The land he served; a pledge above his grave
+  To give her even such a gift as he,
+          The soul of loyalty, gave.
+
+  That oath we plight, as now the trumpets swell
+    His requiem, and the men-at-arms stand mute,
+  And through the mist the guns he loved so well
+          Thunder a last salute!
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY.
+
+  THIS WAS THE HAPPY WARRIOR. THIS WAS HE
+  THAT EVERY MAN IN ARMS SHOULD WISH TO BE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPENLOW ASQUITH EXPLAINS TO MASTER WALTER LONG THAT
+"STATE OF THINGS COMPLAINED OF IS ENTIRELY DUE TO MONSIEUR JORKINS
+POINCARÉ."]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, 16th November._--"Let us think imperially,"
+said DON JOSÉ in a famous phrase. Just now we are thinking in
+millions. Suppose it's somewhere about the same thing. Anyhow PREMIER
+to-day announced with pardonable pride that we are spending a trifle
+under a million a day in the war forced upon mankind by the Man
+Forsworn. To meet necessities of case he asked for further Vote of
+Credit for 225 millions and an addition of a million men to Regular
+Army.
+
+[Illustration: WEDGWOOD BENN S'EN VA-T-EN GUERRE.]
+
+Here was a chance for a great speech. Never before had English
+Minister submitted such stupendous propositions. Some of us remember
+how, thirty-six years ago, DIZZY, by way of threat to Russia, then at
+war with Turkey, created profound sensation in town and country by
+asking for Vote of Credit for six millions. At close of Boer War
+HICKS-BEACH, then Chancellor of Exchequer, launched a War Loan of 30
+millions. 'Twas thought at the time that we were going it, taking a
+long stride towards national Bankruptcy Court. Now it is 225 millions
+in supplement of a hundred millions voted in August. Moreover, the two
+together do not carry us further than end of financial year, 31st of
+March. Then we shall begin again with another trifle of same
+dimensions or probably increased.
+
+How Mr. G., had he still been with us, would have revelled in
+opportunity for delivering an oration planned to scale! How his
+eloquence would have glowed over these fantastic figures! HERBERT
+HENRY ASQUITH (had he been consulted at the font, he would certainly
+have objected to useless waste of time involved in a second baptismal
+name) spoke for less than quarter of an hour, submitting proposals in
+baldest, most business-like fashion. He wanted the men and he wanted
+the money too. Fewer words spoken the sooner he would get them. So,
+avoiding tropes and flights of eloquence, he just stood at Table, a
+sort of humanized ledger, briefly set forth items of his account,
+totalled them up and sat down.
+
+WALTER LONG, following, voiced general dislike for prohibition that
+keeps War Correspondents out of fighting line in Flanders. Deprecated
+risk of circulating information useful to the enemy, but insisted,
+amid cheers from both sides, that there might be published letters
+from the front free from such danger "that would bring comfort and
+solace to the people and would do more to attract recruits than bands
+and flag-parading throughout the country."
+
+Speaking later in reply, Mr. Spenlow ASQUITH, while sympathising with
+WALTER LONG'S desire, explained that state of things complained of is
+entirely due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincaré.
+
+"We are not free agents in this matter," he said. "We must regulate
+our proceedings by the proceedings of our Allies."
+
+_Business done._--Vote of Credit for 225 million and authority to
+raise another million men for Army agreed to without dissent.
+
+_Tuesday._--Lords and Commons united in paying tribute to the life,
+lamenting the death, of Lord ROBERTS--"BOBS," beloved of the Army,
+revered in India, mourned throughout the wide range of Empire. Even in
+Germany, where hatred of all that is English has become a monomania,
+exception is made in his favour. "There are moments," writes a
+sportsman in the German Press, "when the warrior salutes the enemy
+with his sword instead of striking with it. Such a moment came with
+the death of Lord Roberts."
+
+Speeches in both Houses worthy of the occasion. Brief, simple, genuine
+in emotion, they were well attuned to the theme. One of the happiest
+things said was uttered by BONAR LAW: "In his simplicity, in his
+modesty, in his high-minded uprightness, and in his stern detestation
+of everything mean and base, Lord ROBERTS was in real life all, and
+more than all, that _Colonel Newcome_ was in fiction."
+
+PREMIER proposed that on Monday House shall authorise erection of
+monument at the public charge to the memory of the Great Soldier. When
+motion formally put from Chair heads were bared in farewell salute of
+the warrior taking his rest.
+
+Not the least touching note of eloquence was supplied during
+proceedings in House of Lords. It was the empty seat at the corner of
+the Front Cross Bench where on rare occasions stood the lithe erect
+figure, in stature not quite so high as NAPOLEON, modestly offering
+words of counsel.
+
+_Business done._--CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, presenting himself to
+favourable consideration of crowded House in homely character of
+coalheaver filling bunkers of a battleship, introduced second Budget
+of the year. Upon consideration House comes to conclusion that one is
+quite enough, thank you. Proposals in Supplementary Budget are what
+_Dominic Sampson_ might, with more than customary appropriateness and
+emphasis, describe as "Prodigious!" Faced by deficiency of something
+over three-hundred-and-thirty-nine-and-a-half millions, CHANCELLOR
+launches War Loan of two hundred and thirty millions and levies
+additional fifteen-and-a-half millions in taxation.
+
+_Items:_ Income Tax doubled; threepence a pound added to tea; a
+halfpenny clapped on price of every modest half-pint of beer
+consumed.
+
+_Wednesday._--Monotony of truce in respect of Party politics varied by
+wholesome heartening game. It consists of hunting down the German
+spies and chivying the HOME SECRETARY. Played in both Houses to-night.
+In the Lords HALSBURY attempted to make Lord CHANCELLOR'S flesh creep
+by disclosure of existence of "ingenious system of correspondence"
+carried on between alien spies and their paymaster in Berlin. HALDANE
+replied that the matter had been closely investigated; turned out
+there was "nothing in it." CRAWFORD fared no better. Imperturbable
+LORD CHANCELLOR assured House that the military and civil authorities
+in Scotland were cognisant of rumours reported by noble Lord. Every
+case that seemed to warrant investigation had been looked into. Was
+found that many were based on hearsay. Impossible to find evidence to
+establish charges made.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "IN HOMELY CHARACTER OF
+COALHEAVER FILLING BUNKERS OF A BATTLESHIP."]
+
+Nevertheless, LONDONDERRY, having dispassionately thought the matter
+over, came to conclusion that conduct of HOME SECRETARY was
+"contemptible."
+
+This opinion, phrased in differing form, shared on Opposition Benches
+in Commons. PREMIER explained that business of dealing with aliens is
+not concentrated in Home Office; is shared with the War Office and the
+Admiralty. Of late, on suggestion of Committee of Imperial Defence,
+there has been established at War Office an Intelligence Department in
+correspondence with the Admiralty and assured of assistance of the
+Home Office wherever necessary.
+
+That all very well. Hon. Members and noble Lords in Opposition not to
+be disturbed in their honest conviction that MCKENNA is at the bottom
+of the bad business.
+
+_Business done._--On suggestion of BONAR LAW and on motion of PREMIER
+Select Committee appointed to consider scheme of pensions and grants
+for men wounded in the war, and for the widows and orphans of those
+who have lost their lives.
+
+_Friday._--Like MARLBROOK, WEDGWOOD BENN _s'en va-t-en guerre_. Has
+sallied out with a troop of Middlesex Hussars to "join our army in
+Flanders," where, according to contemporary testimony, once upon a
+time it "swore terribly." His Parliamentary services, supplemented by
+the Chairmanship of Committee controlling disposition of National
+Relief Fund, might seem sufficient to keep him at home. But valour,
+like murder, will out. So, as old _John Willett_, landlord of the
+Maypole Inn, Chigwell, used to say when asked of the whereabouts of
+his son, "he has gone to the Salwanners, where the war is," carrying
+with him the good wishes of all sections of House and an exceptionally
+full knowledge of the intricacies of the Insurance Act.
+
+Many gaps on Benches on both sides. SARK tells me there are
+seven-score Members on active service at the Front. One of the first
+to go was SEELY, at brief interval stepping from position of Head of
+British Army to that of a unit in its ranks.
+
+News of him came the other day from Private JAMES WHITE, of the
+Inniskilling Fusiliers, now in hospital at Belfast. Wounded by
+fragments of a shell, WHITE lay for an hour where he fell. Then he
+felt a friendly hand on his shoulder and a cheery voice asked how he
+was getting on.
+
+It was Colonel SEELY bending over him, regardless of heavy shell fire
+directed on the spot by German batteries. He gave the wounded Fusilier
+a cigarette, helped him to get up and assisted him to his motor-car,
+in which he had all day been engaged in conveying wounded to French
+hospital in the rear.
+
+"He is the bravest man I ever met," said Private JAMES WHITE. "He was
+as cool as the morning under fire, cheering us all up with smiles and
+little jokes."
+
+_Business done:_--Report of Supply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE.
+
+"ULLO, YOU FELLERS! WOT YER COME DOWN FOR? MORE PETROL?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RECRUITING BALLAD.
+
+    [Recruiting in country districts is languishing because the
+    folk hear nothing of their regiments, and local attachment is
+    very strong. Unfortunately this ballad had to be founded on
+    material supplied by the C----r. However, the permitted
+    references to Germans ought at any rate to convince the public
+    that the ballad has no connection whatever with the late Boer
+    War.]
+
+  This is the tale of the Blankshires bold, the famous charge they
+          made;
+  This is the tale of the deeds they did whose glory never will fade;
+  They only numbered _X_ hundred men and the German were thousands
+          (_Y_),
+  Yet on the battlefield of _Z_ they made the foeman fly.
+
+  Calm and cool on the field they stood (near a town--I can't say
+          where);
+  Some of them hugged their rifles close but none of them turned a
+          hair;
+  The Colonel (I must suppress his name) looked out on the stubborn
+          foe,
+  And said, "My lads, we must drive them hence, else _A_ + _B_ will
+          go."
+
+  Then each man looked in his neighbour's face and laughed with sudden
+          glee
+  (The Briton fights his very best for algebra's formulæ);
+  The hostile guns barked loud and sharp (their number I cannot
+          give),
+  And no one deemed the Blankety Blanks could face that fire and
+          live.
+
+  For Colonel O. was struck by a shell and wounded was Major Q.,
+  And half a hostile army corps came suddenly into view;
+  And hidden guns spat death at them and airmen hovered to kill,
+  But the Blankety Blanks just opened their ranks and charged an
+          (unnamed) hill.
+
+  Half of their number fell on the hill ere they reached the German
+          trench;
+  Général J---- cried out: "Très bon"; "Not half," said Marshal
+          F----;
+  An angry Emperor shook his fist and at his legions raved,
+  And then (the C----r lets me say) the cheery Blankshires shaved.
+
+  Rally, O rally, ye Blankshire men, rally to fill the gaps;
+  Seek victories (all unknown to us), bear (well-suppressed) mishaps;
+  And when you've made a gallant charge and pierced the angry foe
+  Your names won't get to your people at home, but BUCKMASTER will
+          know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.
+
+II.
+
+The truth is that the Belgians in Crashie Howe are enjoying a _succès
+fou_. There is the enterprising Marie, who thinks nothing of going off
+on her own, on the strength of an English vocabulary only a fortnight
+old, overwhelming the stationmaster and boarding an ambulance train
+full of wounded Belgians at the local station to ask for news of her
+brothers. (We were all delighted when an adventurous letter
+miraculously arrived from the Pas de Calais on Saturday and reported
+that both brothers were well and unwounded.) There is Victor, who,
+although only thirteen, is already a _pupille d'armée_ and has a
+uniform quite as good as any fighting man. I can tell you he has put
+our Boy Scouts in the shade. But Victor is afraid the war will be over
+before he is old enough to get at it.
+
+Then, again, there is the small Juliette, who is dark, with a
+comfortable little face constructed almost entirely of dimples, and,
+at the age of eight, has been discovered knitting stockings at a
+prodigious pace while she looked the other way. I am afraid Juliette
+is being held up as an example to other children of the neighbourhood,
+but I think her great popularity may well survive even that. And there
+is Louis, who is a marvel at making bird-cages, and Rosalie, whose
+pride is in the shine of her pots and pans. They are all doing well.
+
+Rosalie, it is true, has had a fearful bout of toothache, so bad that
+she had to retire to bed for a day. When Dr. Anderson, whose French is
+very good, had successfully diagnosed the trouble and told her that
+the only cure was to have the tooth out, she plaintively replied that
+she had thought of that herself, but, alas, it was impossible, for "it
+was too firmly implanted." For my part I sympathised with Rosalie--I
+have often felt like that.
+
+The grandmother rather likes to sit apart, beaming, far from the
+general throng, and it was for that reason that I selected her at the
+very outset to practise on in private. I tried her more than once in
+my sadly broken French; I even went further and tried her in
+rapidly-improvised Flemish. Whenever I felt I was at my best I used to
+go and have a turn at her, and, although she smiled at me like
+anything and was awfully pleased, I never elicited the slightest
+response. Now I know that she is almost stone deaf and hasn't heard a
+word I have said. As I came sadly away after this discovery there
+occurred to my mind the story of him who undertook to train a savage
+in the arts of civilization, only to learn, after some years of
+disappointing, unrequited toil, that his victim was not only a savage
+but also a lunatic. I don't mean that to be disrespectful to
+_Grandmère_--it is only a parallel instance of good work thrown away.
+
+We are learning a good deal that is new about the art of knitting. One
+thing is that the Flemish knitter cannot get on at all comfortably
+unless the needles are long enough to tuck under her arms. I may
+safely say that I never dreamt of that. At first they fumbled about
+unhappily with our miserable little needles, but the ship's
+carpenter--who makes the bird-cages--has found quite an ingenious way
+out. He has mounted all the needles at the end of a sort of stilt or
+leg of cane (like a bayonet), and since this innovation they are
+working at a speed which, even in these days of universal knitting,
+would be pretty hard to beat.
+
+The children are really getting on famously at school. A very touching
+little romance was enacted there one day. Eugène and Pierre, belonging
+to different families, arrived in our midst on different days and did
+not chance to meet each other at first. At school they happened to be
+put, away from their compatriots, in the same room. Eugène is eight
+and Pierre seven. It was, you may well guess, pretty lonely work for a
+small Belgian in a roomful of Scotch boys, but both bore up bravely.
+The subject, as I understand, was simple addition (which knows no
+frontiers and looks the same in any language), and there is no
+whispering or secret conversation in our school, I can tell you. There
+they sat side by side for two hours, each contemplating the other as
+an alien, each smothering pent-up feelings of home-sickness. And then
+suddenly, at a single Flemish word from the schoolmaster, the moment
+of revelation came; it dawned on both of them at once that they were
+not alone, and, rising to their feet, they embraced with tears of
+joy.
+
+"Broeder!" cried Eugène.
+
+"Broeder!" echoed Pierre.
+
+That was nearly a week ago. By now Pierre is beginning to treat Eugène
+in a slightly off-hand manner. He has hardly time for him. He has so
+many Scotch friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During the night a terrific gale raged in Manchester and
+    surrounding districts, hail and sleet being accompanied by a
+    torrential rainfall varied by Pendleton, Eccles, Seedley and
+    other lightning."--_People_.
+
+"Eccles lightning is the best."--(_Advt._).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IMMORTAL LEGEND.
+
+In the House of Commons on November 18, Mr. KING asked the UNDER-SECRETARY
+FOR WAR whether he could state, without injury to the military interests
+of the Allies, whether any Russian troops had been conveyed through Great
+Britain to the Western area of the European War.
+
+Mr. TENNANT'S reply:--"I am uncertain whether it will gratify or
+displease my hon. friend to know that no Russian troops have been
+conveyed through Great Britain to the Western area of the European
+War."
+
+The firm and faithful believers in this beautiful tale are not to be
+put off so easily as that, and there are so many thousands of faces to
+be saved, and such numbers of ear- (if not eye-) witnesses of the
+undying exploit, that we really must see if there is not after all
+some loophole in the official pronouncement. Let us pause for further
+scrutiny and meditations.
+
+Why, of course, here it is. The UNDER-SECRETARY merely states his
+imperfect knowledge of the bias of Mr. KING. He does not know whether
+his questioner is one of the ardent souls who are ready to pass along
+and adorn the latest legend from the Clubs, or a cold-blooded sceptic
+fit only to be a Censor.
+
+No, we are not to be done out of our Russians by any mere UNDER-SECRETARY
+FOR WAR; certainly not one who is capable of such prevarication. And
+anyhow, why should the Germans do all the story-telling?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WILD AND WOOLLY WEST END.
+
+    "A PROTEST.--Is there any reason why the War should be made an
+    excuse for the abandonment of the niceties of life? Dining at
+    a West-End restaurant nowadays one might well imagine oneself
+    in America, from the variety and incongruity of the dress of
+    the male patrons."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+We fear that the protest is only too well justified. Indeed, much more
+might be revealed were it not for the heavy hand of the C----r. Our
+special representative reports:--
+
+To the O.C., _Punch_ Battalion, Bouverie Brigade, Fleet Division,
+E.C., of London Reserves.
+
+  _A City on the river T----s.
+  Nov. the --teenth._
+
+Carrying out your order No. 69A, I made a night reconnaissance in
+force. I have the honour to report that at dinner at a certain hotel
+two hundred yards east by north of railway base C----g X, I counted
+only five boiled shirts. Have reason to suspect that they were
+subsidised by the management, and were worn by Stock Exchange members
+thrown out of employment by the War and endeavouring to supplement
+their private incomes.
+
+The rest of the male costumes were mainly khaki. One man entered
+dining-room with Buffalo Bill hat decorated with maple-leaf and A.M.S.
+(Athabasca Mounted Scalpers), which he deposited on chair next to him.
+The only nut present endeavoured to remove this object. The A.M.S. man
+touched his hip-pocket significantly, and said: "The drinks are on
+you."
+
+At the table next to him was a group of South American magnates in
+tweed suits decorated with large buttons reading: "_No me habla de la
+guerra!_" If the man from Athabasca should start conversation with
+them about the war, it seemed probable that gun-fighting would ensue.
+I therefore enfiladed the position and took cover. However, the
+sergeant-waiter tactfully shifted a palm into screening position
+between the two tables, and thus averted the spreading of the War to
+Latin America.
+
+Similar state of affairs existed in stalls of certain theatre within
+outpost distance of P----y C----s. Ladies were openly knitting socks
+and intimate woollen garments between the Acts. Management seemed
+powerless to restore the conventions of peace-time.
+
+At the C----n Tavern the bar-tender had pasted notice on mirror behind
+him: "This Saloon closes at ten sharp. Gents are kindly requested not
+to start nothing here." The announcement seemed to have been
+effective, for very few bullet-marks were to be noted.
+
+By midnight, L----r S----e and R----t S----t were comparatively clear
+of dagos. This was due to efforts of street-cleaning corps (3rd County
+of L----n Light Hose).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruiting Officer (to brawny pitman who has just passed
+his medical examination)_. "WHAT REGIMENT DO YOU WISH TO JOIN?"
+
+_Pitman_. "I DON'T CARE."
+
+_Officer_. "SURE YOU HAVE NO PREFERENCE?"
+
+_Pitman_. "WELL, PUT ME IN ONE O' THEM THAT SPIKES THE BEGGARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW ANÆSTHETIC.
+
+  REMARKABLE DISCOVERY.
+  MEDICAL SCIENCE SUPERSEDED.
+
+A correspondent in whose accuracy we place the highest trust informs
+us of very remarkable results which have been achieved by the adoption
+of a new means of alleviating pain and suffering invented by a lady in
+London. This lady being suddenly taken with lumbago was in great agony
+until she remembered our soldiers at the front, and thought how much
+worse was a wound, and instantly, our correspondent is informed, some
+of her own distress left her. The case has been investigated by
+several eminent inquirers and they are satisfied with her story.
+
+Meanwhile evidence of a similar nature comes from other parts of the
+country, in every case recording a sense of personal well-being,
+though only comparative, and an increased disinclination to complain,
+upon the realisation of what it must be to be a soldier just
+now--whether up to his knees in a flooded trench, or sleeping on the
+wet ground, or lying in agony waiting to be picked up and taken to a
+hospital, or being taken to a hospital over jolting roads, or going
+without meals, or having to boil tea over a candle-flame, or awakening
+from the operation and finding himself maimed for life.
+
+Nor is the lenitive of this little effort of imagination confined to
+bodily ills; for a well-authenticated case reaches us of a notoriously
+mean man of wealth who was not heard to utter a single word of
+grumbling over the new war taxes after realising what the soldier's
+burden was too. Hence _Mr. Punch_ is only too happy to give publicity
+to the discovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Spy Danger.
+
+Extract from a letter written by an East Coast resident:--
+
+    "The authorities are now looking for a grey motor-car, driven
+    by a woman, who is thought to have a wireless apparatus
+    inside."
+
+R.A.M.C. forward, please.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Sentimentalist (who has received socks from
+England)_. "SHE LOVES ME; SHE LOVES ME NOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST BOTTLE.
+
+I had been drilling all the morning, and had spent the whole of the
+afternoon squirming face downwards on the moist turf of Richmond Park
+in an endeavour to advance, as commanded, in extended order. In the
+morning--that is during compressed drill--I had been twice wounded.
+Owing to lack of education a famous novelist had confused his left
+hand with his right, with the result that when we were right-turned he
+had dealt me a terrific blow on the ear with the barrel of his rifle.
+It soon ceased to be an ear, and became of the size and consistency of
+a muffin. My second casualty was brought about by a well-known
+orchestral conductor, who however confidently he could pilot his
+players through the most complicated Symphonic Poem was invariably out
+of his depth whenever, the ranks being turned about, he was required
+to form fours. His manoeuvre that morning had been a wild and
+undisciplined fugue, culminating in an unconventional _stretto_ upon
+an exceedingly dominant pedal-point, that is to say, his heel on my
+toe.
+
+Consequently when I arrived home in the evening, wet, soiled, hungry
+and maimed, I felt that I needed a little artificial invigoration. A
+bright idea occurred to me as I was waiting for the bath to fill.
+
+"Joan," I cried, "don't you think I might open Johann to-night?" Joan,
+who had been trying to decide whether it would not be more advisable
+to have my sweater dyed a permanent shot-green and brown, demurred.
+
+"I thought your anti-German conscience would not permit you to open
+Johann until after the war's over," she called back.
+
+"My anti-German conscience has been severely wounded," I replied. "It
+hasn't sufficient strength to hold out much longer. In a few seconds
+it will surrender unconditionally."
+
+"Be brave," urged Joan. "Just think how proud you will be in days to
+come when you look back to this evening and realise how, in the face
+of the most terrible temptations, you triumphed!"
+
+"That's all very fine," I remarked, "but to-night I feel I need Johann
+medicinally. If I don't have him, there may be _no_ days to come. Do
+be reasonable. Do you suppose that if the KAISER, for instance, were
+bitten by a mad dog--a real one, I mean--that his anti-Ally conscience
+would forbid his adoption of the Pasteur treatment?"
+
+"Then if you really feel the need of a special refresher," said Joan,
+"at least let me send Phoebe out for a bottle of some friendly or
+neutral substitute."
+
+A vivid recollection of Phoebe's being despatched once before in an
+emergency for mustard and returning with custard flashed through my
+mind.
+
+"She's much too unreliable," I cried. "She'd get bay rum, or something
+equally futile. It must be Johann or nothing."
+
+"Then," said Joan, "let us say nothing"--an ambiguity of which I
+determined to take full advantage.
+
+Johann, I must now explain, was the sole survivor of six small bottles
+of the genuine Rhine brand which Joan's uncle (who is in the trade)
+had given her last Christmas. Number Five had been opened on the
+evening of August Bank Holiday after a strenuous day on the tennis
+courts. Later, when hostilities had started all round I had taken a
+terrible oath that nothing of German or Austrian origin should be used
+in our household until Peace broke out. This necessitated the
+sacrifice of at least four inches of breakfast sausage and the better
+part of a box of Carlsbad plums. Johann, being intact, was merely
+interned. But at that time I had not anticipated that some three
+months later I should be exhausted by long and tiring drills and
+manoeuvres.
+
+However, on this night my body cried aloud for Johann's refreshing
+contents. I did not care two pins that he had been manufactured on the
+banks of the Rhine, or that he was the product of alien and hostile
+hands. After all, it wasn't Johann's fault; and besides, surely he had
+been long enough in England to become naturalised. At any rate it was
+both prejudiced and illogical to assume that Johann was my enemy
+solely because he happened to be born in Germany.
+
+The bath took some time to fill. The taps, I think, wanted sweeping.
+But during the time that elapsed I made up my mind. Johann should be
+opened. I slipped on my dressing-gown and went in search of him. When
+I had secured him I met Joan on the landing; she was just going down
+to dinner.
+
+"Haven't you had your bath yet?" she asked. "Hurry up and--oh! you've
+got Johann!"
+
+"Yes," I said. "I have decided that there is no evidence to prove that
+he is not a naturalised British bottle. I am going to open him."
+
+"You renegade!" Joan cried. "If you dare so much as to loosen his cork
+I'll--I'll give you an Iron Cross."
+
+"I'm desperate," I answered. "I would still open Johann even if you
+threatened me with the Iron Cross of both the first and the second
+class."
+
+"Coward!" said Joan. "Still, if you're really determined to open him,
+remember half belongs to me."
+
+A moment later I had poured half the contents of Johann--his full name
+is Johann Maria Farina--into my bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_. "THIS BE A TERRIBLE WAR, DOCTOR."
+
+_He_. "IT IS, INDEED."
+
+_She_. "IT'S A PITY SOMEONE DON'T CATCH THAT THERE OLD KRUGER."
+
+_He_. "AH, YOU MEAN THE KAISER."
+
+_She_. "AW--CHANGED HIS NAME, HAS HE--DECEITFUL OLD VARMINT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman_ (MACMILLAN) that impenitent
+pamphleteer, H. G. WELLS, returns yet again to the intriguing subject
+of marriage, and in a vein something nearer orthodoxy. Not, certainly,
+that worthy stubborn orthodoxy of accepted unquestioned doctrine, or
+that sleeker variety of middle-aged souls that were once young, now
+too tired or bored to go on asking questions, but an orthodoxy rather
+that is honest enough to revise on the evidence earlier judgments as
+too cocksure and hasty. _Sir Isaac Harman_ was a tea-shop magnate, and
+a very pestilent and primitive cad who caught his wife young and poor
+and battered her into reluctant surrender by a stormy wooing, whose
+very sincerity and abandonment were but a frantic expression of his
+dominating egotism and acquisitiveness. Wooing and winning, thinks
+this simple ignoble knight, is a thing done once and for all. Remains
+merely obedience in very plain and absolute terms on the part of lady
+to lord, obedience which, in the last resort, can be exacted by
+withholding supplies--not so uncommon a form of blackmail as it suits
+the dominant sex to imagine. _Lady Harman's_ emancipation does not
+take the conventionally unconventional form, for some deeper reason, I
+think, than that her sententious friend and would-be lover, _George
+Brumley_, could not altogether escape her gentle contempt; indeed, she
+recognises _Sir Isaac's_ claims upon her for duty and gratitude in a
+way which modern high-spirited priestesses of progress would scarcely
+approve. She fights merely for a limit to the proprietorship, for the
+right to a separate individuality, the right to be useful in a wider
+sphere (a phrase that stands for so much that is good and less good).
+Mr. WELLS has realised this gracious, shy and beautiful personality
+with a fine skill. It is no mean feat. He might so easily have made a
+dear mild ghost. And oh! if ladies of influence who regiment their
+inferiors in orderly philanthropic schemes had some of the wisdom and
+tolerance of _Lady Harman_ in her dealings with the tea-shop girls.
+You see one instinctively pays Mr. WELLS the serious compliment of
+assuming that he has something material to say about the things which
+matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As a demonstration of the irony of history, I can hardly imagine a
+better subject for romance at the present moment than the fortunes of
+WILLIAM OF ORANGE, and if Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S _Prince and Heretic_
+(METHUEN) shows some traces of having been rather hastily finished it
+is easy to pardon this defect. The alchemist's assistant, part seer
+and part quack, whom she introduces into the earlier part of the story
+foretells the violent deaths of the young princes of the house of
+Nassau and the ravaging and looting of the Netherlands by ALVA,
+Defender of the Catholic Faith and servant of the House of Hapsburg;
+but he cannot conjure up out of his crystal the sight of a Catholic
+Belgium suffering these things, three hundred and fifty years later,
+at the hands of a Lutheran King allied with a Hapsburg and fighting
+for the sake of no cause but his own vanity. Most of the action takes
+place in Brussels--a Brussels placarded with squibs against CARDINAL
+GRANVILLE; and the final retreat of WILLIAM, ruined in everything
+except his spirit, to join the army of the PRINCE DE CONDÉ, has a
+pathetic significance to-day that not many historical romances can
+claim. Miss MARJORIE BOWEN has a remarkable gift for the presentation
+of a number of lifelike portraits against a vivid and gorgeous
+background, and the successive pictures of the Dutch and Flemish
+Schools which she creates in _Prince and Heretic_, make it, if not
+quite so successful as _I Will Maintain_, at least a book which no
+lover of the Lowlands can afford to miss.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Our Sentimental Garden_ (HEINEMANN) is one of the very pleasantest
+garden-books I have encountered. One reason for this is that it is
+about such a lot of other things besides gardens. Volumes that are
+exclusively devoted to what I might call horticultural hortation are
+apt to become oppressive. But AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE are persons far
+too sympathetic not to avoid this danger. Instead of lecturing, they
+talk with an engaging discursiveness that lures you from page to page,
+as it might from bed to border, were you an actual visitor in the
+exquisite Surrey garden that is their ostensible subject. One thing
+with them leads to another. "Lilacs," they say. "Ah, lilacs--" and
+immediately one of them is started upon a whole series of rambling, DU
+MAURIERISH recollections of school-days in Second Empire Paris.
+Kittens and Pekinese puppies, village types, politics (just a little)
+and Roman villas--all these are the themes of their happy talk. "The
+Garden Garrulous" they might have called the book; and I for one have
+found it infinitely charming. Not that shrewd hints upon the choice of
+roses, the marshalling of bulbs, and other such aspects of the theme
+proper are wanting. Moreover, what they tell of garden triumphs is at
+once realised for you by a prodigality of drawings scattered among the
+text, some glowing in a full page of colour, others in line alone,
+from the pencil and brush of Mr. CHARLES ROBINSON. Altogether a very
+gentle book, of which one may echo the hope expressed by the writers
+in their graceful preface that "some unquiet heart, labouring under
+the strain of long-drawn suspense," may find in it "a passing
+relaxation, a forgotten smile."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ernest students of military history should be grateful to Mr. EDWARD
+FOORD for the patient labour and perseverance he has spent on the
+compilation of _Napoleon's Russian Campaign of 1812_ (HUTCHINSON). The
+book appears at a most opportune date, for most of us nowadays are
+military critics, and here we can, if we like, compare the Russian
+methods of 1812 with those of 1914. On the other hand, in these
+strenuous days we may not have the time, even if we have the
+inclination, to devote ourselves to campaigns a hundred years old. For
+my own part, while frankly admitting the value of this book, I confess
+that I had sometimes to skip in an endeavour to avoid being bewildered
+by names and numbers. Using this desultory mode of progression I was
+still abundantly informed and profoundly interested. Mr. FOORD is out
+to give facts, however tedious, and I agree with him that it is the
+business of an historian to be accurate before he is entertaining. Yet
+I could have wished that he had been less parsimonious with his human
+appeals, for whenever he unbends he can be at once interesting and
+informing. The struggles of BARCLAY DE TOLLY against jealousy and
+intrigues are vividly told, and nothing could be more graceful than
+the tribute Mr. FOORD pays to the memory of that great soldier,
+General EBLÉ. It is impossible to read the history of this disastrous
+campaign without being impressed by the terrible penalties of
+overweening arrogance and ambition, and without realising the flaming
+spirit of patriotism that has glorified, and will always glorify, the
+Russians in time of national peril.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _A Morning In My Library_ ("TIMES" BOOK CLUB), Mr. STEPHEN
+COLERIDGE has put together an anthology of English prose which has
+some high advantages to recommend it to popular favour even in what
+the compiler calls "these tumultuous times." It is a small book and
+fits easily into a coat pocket; it is well and clearly printed, and,
+best of all, the selection is admirably made and does credit to Mr.
+COLERIDGE'S taste. Every extract bears the stamp of inspiration, a
+quality difficult to define but unmistakable. RALEIGH'S invocation to
+Death; JOHNSON'S preface to the Dictionary; NAPIER'S description of
+the battle of Albuera; RICHARD SHIEL'S appeal on behalf of his
+fellow-countrymen, and ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S immortal speech at
+Gettysburg--all these are to be found, and many more; and all go to
+show the might, majesty, dominion and power of that great language
+which it is our privilege to speak. I think we shall value that
+privilege a little more highly and shall endeavour to place a more
+careful restraint on our tongues and our pens after we have dipped
+through Mr. COLERIDGE'S little book. He is a judicious guide, and such
+explanations as he adds are always short and never tiresome. Yet it
+must in fairness be added that KING CHARLES'S head, in the shape of an
+anti-vivisection footnote, has once, but only once, crept into the
+"memorial." However the fault is such a little one that those who love
+noble English prose will easily forgive it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady (to wounded Officer)_. "OH, SIR, DO YOU 'APPEN
+TO 'AVE 'EARD IF ANY OF YOUR MEN AT THE FRONT 'AS FOUND A PAIR OF
+SPECTACLES WOT I LEFT IN A 16 'BUS IN THE EDGWARE ROAD?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber Notes
+
+Typographical inconsistencies have been changed and are listed below.
+
+Archaic and variable spelling is preserved.
+
+Editors' punctuation style is preserved.
+
+Passages in italics indicated by _underscores_.
+
+Passages in bold indicated by =equal signs=.
+
+
+Transcriber Changes
+
+The following changes were made to the original text:
+
+  Page 429: Added comma after =University= (In his interesting
+            sketch, in _The Times_, of the PRINCE OF WALES'
+            career at the =University,= the PRESIDENT of Magdalen
+            mentions that His Royal Highness "shot at various
+            country houses round Oxford.")
+
+  Page 429: Removed repeated 'of' (the singing of the soldiers
+            of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges
+            =of= Brus-Rhein.')
+
+  Page 444: Was 'reconnaisance' (Carrying out your order
+            No. 69A, I made a night =reconnaissance= in force.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, November 25, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 29454-8.txt or 29454-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/5/29454/
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+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, November 25, 1914.</title>
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+November 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: July 19, 2009 [EBook #29454]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr class='pb' />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page429' name='page429'></a>[pg 429]</span></div>
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOLUME 147.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2 class="smcap">November 25, 1914.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p><span class='smcap'>Enver Pasha</span>, in a proclamation to
+the Turkish troops, says: "The army
+will destroy all our enemies with the
+aid of Allah and the assistance of the
+Prophet." It is rumoured that the
+<span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> is a little bit piqued about it.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>We learn from a German paper that,
+since the brave Ottomans have discovered
+that their Culture and that of
+the Germans are one, many Englishmen
+who live in Crescents are crying
+out in fury for an alteration of their
+addresses.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>According to a Berlin journal, about
+2,000 players of orchestral instruments
+have been thrown out of
+employment by the war.
+It is suggested that, with
+a view to providing them
+with more employment,
+reverses as well as victories
+should be musically
+celebrated in the
+capital.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>We are glad to see that
+the names of battles in
+Belgium show a tendency
+to become more cheery.
+The other day, for instance,
+we had the battle
+of the Yperlee&mdash;and we
+may yet have a battle of
+Yip-i-yaddy-i-yay.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>It is rumoured that a
+compromise has been arrived
+at in regard to the
+proposal, emanating from
+America, that the war
+shall be stopped for twenty-four hours
+on Christmas Day. The combatants,
+it is said, have agreed to fire plum-puddings
+instead of cannon-balls.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>Among the promotions which we do
+not remember seeing gazetted is that of
+<span class='smcap'>Karl Gustav Ernst</span>, a German barber-spy.
+At the Old Bailey, the other day,
+Mr. Justice <span class='smcap'>Coleridge</span> promoted him
+to be a Steinhauer or stone-hacker.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<blockquote>
+<p class='center'>"'MIRACLE' PRODUCER KILLED."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This is unfortunate for the Germans, for
+if ever they needed a miracle it is now.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>"Information that has come into our
+possession," says <i>The Grocer</i>, "proves
+<i>to our satisfaction</i> that Germany has
+been receiving plentiful supplies of tea
+from our shores through neutral countries
+since the outbreak of hostilities."
+The italics are ours: the satisfaction
+appears to be our contemporary's.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting
+department of our army. "Why
+go for the single man?" he asks. "We
+may expect just as much courage from
+the married man. He has already proved
+his pluck."</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<blockquote>
+<p class='center'>"HOW DE WET ESCAPED.<br />
+A MISSING LINK IN THE CORDON."&mdash;<i>Observer</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The Germans, who have already been
+calling the Allied forces "The Menagerie,"
+should appreciate this item.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>Angry newspaper men are now
+calling a certain institution the Suppress
+Bureau.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>A solicitor having announced that
+he is prepared to make the wills of
+the men of a certain regiment free of
+charge, another enterprising legal gentleman,
+not to be outdone, would like
+it to be known that he is willing to act
+as residuary legatee without a fee.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>In his interesting sketch, in <i>The
+Times</i>, of the <span class='smcap'>Prince of Wales'</span> career
+at the <a name='TC_1'></a><ins title="Added comma">University,</ins> the <span class='smcap'>President</span> of
+Magdalen mentions that His Royal
+Highness "shot at various country
+houses round Oxford." We hope that
+this will not be quoted against the
+<span class='smcap'>Prince</span> by a spiteful German Press,
+should any bullet marks be found one
+day on the walls of some castle on the
+Rhine.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>It came as quite an unpleasant
+surprise to many persons to learn
+from Mr. <span class='smcap'>Asquith</span> that the War is
+costing us a million pounds a day,
+that being more than some of us spend
+in a year.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/429.png">
+<img src="images/429.png" title="" alt="The Ruling Passion" width="100%" /></a>
+<h4>THE RULING PASSION.</h4>
+<p><i>Customer</i>. "<span class='smcap'>Bring me some soup, please.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Waitress (absent-mindedly)</i>. "<span class='smcap'>Yes, Sir; purl or plain, Sir?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>The End of the Press Bureau.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Members of several guilds carried their
+banners in the procession which went round
+the church to the accompaniment of impressive
+music and the swinging of censors."&mdash;<i>South Western Star</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>If this had got about, there would have
+been a bigger crowd at the ceremony.
+As it was, Fleet Street was taken by
+surprise, and only had time to prepare
+a few fireworks for the evening.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Among other public buildings in a certain
+town which for many reasons it will be prudent
+to refrain from mentioning ... on a
+day and date which I need not trouble to
+repeat...."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>No, this is not from our Special Representative
+behind the Front; it is the
+opening passage of <i>Oliver Twist</i>, and
+shows what a splendid
+War Correspondent
+<span class='smcap'>Dickens</span> would have
+made.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>Teuton Anatomy.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The clay feet of Germany
+will be revealed when we take
+off the gloves."&mdash;<i>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Arnold
+White</span> in "The Sunday
+Chronicle."</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>So that's where they
+wear them.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Questioned with reference
+to a letter written by
+him to Steinhauer, in which
+he said, 'The name of the
+gentleman in Woolwich
+Arsenal is &mdash;&mdash;,' the prisoner
+said that was a false name."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>It's a very silly name
+anyway.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The announcement issued
+by the Press Bureau that carrier
+pigeons are to be used
+officially for certain purposes is an extremely
+interesting reversion to what we had regarded
+as almost premature ways of carrying news."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Not so premature as the <span class='smcap'>Wolff</span> method.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>More Information for the Enemy.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p class='center'>"<span class='smcap'>Britain's Sugar Supply.<br />
+Sufficient for Eight Mouths.</span>"&mdash;<i>Aberdeen Evening Gazette</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We insist on providing one of them.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Now came the drums and fifes, and now
+the blare of the brass instruments, and continuously
+the singing of the soldiers of 'Die
+Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges <a name='TC_2'></a><ins title="Removed repeated 'of'">of</ins>
+Brus-Rhein.'"&mdash;<i>Adelaide Advertiser</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>A good song, but (so it has always
+struck us) a clumsy title.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Extract from Army Routine Orders,
+Expeditionary Force, Nov. 9th:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"It is notified for information that shooting
+in the Forest of Clairmarais and certain portions
+of the adjacent country is preserved."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Clever Germans are now disguising
+themselves as pheasants.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page430' name='page430'></a>[pg 430]</span></div>
+<h2>THE PRICE OF PATRIOTISM.</h2>
+<p>Helen and I are economising; so
+the other evening we dined at the
+Rococo.</p>
+<p>"That's no economy," you cry; so
+let me explain.</p>
+<p>In common with most other folk
+who are not engaged in the manufacture
+of khaki, or rifles, or Army
+woollens, or heavy siege-guns (to which
+I had not the foresight to turn my
+attention before the war came along),
+we have found it necessary to adopt
+a policy of retrenchment and reform;
+and one of our first moves in this
+direction was to convert Evangeline
+from a daily into a half-daily. Evangeline
+is not a newspaper but a domestic
+servant, and before the new order was
+issued she had been in the habit of
+arriving at our miniature flat at 7.30 in
+the morning (when it wasn't 8.15),
+and retiring at 9 in the evening.</p>
+<p>Now, however, Evangeline goes after
+lunch, and Helen, who has bought a
+shilling cookery book, prepares the
+dinner herself.</p>
+<p>On the day in question Helen suddenly
+decided to spend the afternoon
+repairing a week's omissions on the
+part of Evangeline. It proved a veritable
+labour of Hercules, the flat
+being, as Helen with near enough
+accuracy gave me to understand, an
+"Aeg&aelig;an stable." Tea-time came, but
+brought no tea. Shortly before seven
+Helen struck, and declared (this time
+without any classical metaphor) that
+she wasn't going to cook any dinner
+that evening. Not to be outdone, I
+affirmed in reply that even if she did
+cook it I wasn't going to clear it away.
+So we cleaned and adorned ourselves
+and groped our way to the Rococo.</p>
+<p>We were both too tired to go to the
+trouble of choosing our dinner, and it
+was therefore that we elected to make
+our way through the <i>table-d'h&ocirc;te</i>, to
+which we felt that our appetite, unimpaired
+by tea, could do full justice.
+Luxuriously we toyed with <i>hors-d'&oelig;uvre</i>,
+while the orchestra patriotically intimated
+that ours is a Land of Hope and
+Glory; blissfully we consumed our soup,
+undeterred by repeated reminders of
+the distance to Tipperary. It was
+with the fish that the trouble started.</p>
+<p>At the second mouthful it began to
+dawn upon me that what the band
+was playing was the <i>Braban&ccedil;onne</i>. I
+looked around, and gathered that I
+was not alone in the realisation of that
+fact; for one by one my fellow-diners
+struggled hesitatingly to their feet, and
+stood in awkward reverence while the
+National Anthem of our brave Belgian
+Allies was in course of execution. I
+looked at Helen, and Helen looked at
+me, and we both tried not to look too
+regretfully at our plates as we also
+adopted the prevailing pose. Not one
+note of that light-hearted anthem did
+the orchestra miss, and when it was
+over the warmth in our hearts almost
+compensated for the coldness of our
+fish. We decided to jump at once to
+the <i>entr&eacute;e</i>.</p>
+<p>Whatever else may be said of the
+<i>Marseillaise</i>, there can be no mistaking
+its identity. The first bar sufficed to
+bring the whole room to attention, and
+a promising dish of sweetbreads shared
+the fate of its predecessor. Before the
+final crash had ceased to reverberate
+we sat down with a thump, resigning
+ourselves to the prospect of doing
+double justice to the joint. But the
+orchestra was not so lightly to be
+cheated of its prey. True, we held out
+as long as possible while the Russian
+Hymn began to unfold its majestic
+length, and Helen actually managed to
+convey a considerable piece of saddle
+of mutton to her mouth while she was
+in the very act of rising. That joint,
+however, was soon but a memory of
+anticipation, and our hunger was still
+keen upon us when the funereal strains
+of the Japanese Anthem coincided with
+the arrival of a wild duck. I had
+always harboured secret doubts of the
+advisability of Japan's joining in the
+War, and now they were intensified
+many times. Cold wild duck is an
+impossibility even to a hungry man.</p>
+<p>Ice-pudding, though scarcely satisfying,
+seemed to warrant the expectation
+that it would at least survive
+whatever further ordeal the band had
+in store for us. But that hope too
+was doomed to extinction. When
+<i>God Save the King</i> smote the air
+the growing lethargy of the company
+of diners vanished, and all joined with
+a will in the recital of all its verses.
+In the glow of loyal enthusiasm that
+filled the room the ice gradually melted,
+and as we surveyed the fluid mess upon
+our plates we knew that our dinner
+was gone beyond recall.</p>
+<p>Weary and unappeased we crept
+home through the City of Dreadful
+Night. I found a remnant of cold
+beef and some pickles in the kitchen,
+and on this we went to bed. I slept
+but little, and on five occasions watched
+Helen, who has dreams, get out of bed
+and stand to attention.</p>
+<p>Of course it might have been worse;
+for the musicians of the Rococo
+evidently had not learnt the national
+airs of Serbia and Montenegro; and
+Portugal had not then been drawn
+into the War. But until the trouble is
+over I shall avoid restaurants which
+harbour an orchestra. As you say, it
+is no economy.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>TO MR. BERNARD JAW.</h2>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Illustrious Jester, who in happier days</p>
+<p>Amused us with your Prefaces and Plays,</p>
+<p>Acquiring a precarious renown</p>
+<p>By turning laws and morals upside down,</p>
+<p>Sticking perpetual pins in Mrs. Grundy,</p>
+<p>Railing at marriage or the British Sunday,</p>
+<p>And lavishing your acid ridicule</p>
+<p>On the foundations of imperial rule;&mdash;</p>
+<p>'Twas well enough in normal times to sit</p>
+<p>And watch the workings of your wayward wit,</p>
+<p>But in these bitter days of storm and stress,</p>
+<p>When souls are shown in all their nakedness,</p>
+<p>Your devastating egotism stands out</p>
+<p>Denuded of the last remaining clout.</p>
+<p>You own our cause is just, yet can't refrain</p>
+<p>From libelling those who made its justice plain;</p>
+<p>You chide the Prussian Junkers, yet proclaim</p>
+<p>Our statesmen beat them at their own vile game.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Thus, bent on getting back at any cost</p>
+<p>Into the limelight you have lately lost,</p>
+<p>And, high above war's trumpets loudly blown</p>
+<p>On land and sea, eager to sound your own,</p>
+<p>We find you faithful to your ancient plan</p>
+<p>Of disagreeing with the average man,</p>
+<p>And all because you think yourself undone</p>
+<p>Unless in a minority of one.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Vain to the core, thus in the nation's need</p>
+<p>You carp and cavil while your brothers bleed,</p>
+<p>And while on England vitriol you bestow</p>
+<p>You offer balsam to her deadliest foe.</p>
+</div></div>
+<hr />
+<p>Extract from a commercial traveller's
+letter to his chief:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"<span class='smcap'>Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;On Wednesday next I want
+you to allow me the day off. My wife having
+lost her mother is being buried on that date
+and I should like to attend the funeral."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<p>Extract from a child's essay on
+<span class='smcap'>Cromwell</span>:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"In his last years, Cromwell grew very
+much afraid of plots, and it is said that he
+even wore underclothes to protect himself."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We wonder if the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> knows of
+this.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page431' name='page431'></a>[pg 431]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/431.png">
+<img src="images/431.png" title="" alt="CARRYING ON." width="100%" /></a>
+<h3>CARRYING ON.</h3>
+</div>
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page432' name='page432'></a>[pg 432]</span></div>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page433' name='page433'></a>[pg 433]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/433.png">
+<img src="images/433.png" title="" alt="The Worst Character" width="100%" /></a>
+<p><i>The Worst Character in the village (who has repeatedly been pressed by the inhabitants to enlist)</i>. "<span class='smcap'>I dunna believe there ain't no war. I believe it's just a plot to get me out of the village</span>."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE AWAKENING.</h2>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>"Here no howitzers speak in stern styles,</p>
+<p class='i2'>Light and gay is the leathern bomb,</p>
+<p>We pay our sixpences down at the turnstiles,</p>
+<p class='i2'>And that is our centre, name of Tom;</p>
+<p class='i8'>Wild thunder rolls</p>
+<p class='i8'>When he scores his goals,</p>
+<p>And up in the air go Alf and Ern's tiles;</p>
+<p class='i2'>But what is this rumour of war? Whence cometh it from?"</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>So said Bottlesham, best of cities</p>
+<p class='i2'>Watching the ball from seats above.</p>
+<p>"Belgium ruined? A thousand pities!</p>
+<p class='i2'>Bother the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser's</span> mail&eacute;d glove!"</p>
+<p class='i8'>But it left no stings</p>
+<p class='i8'>When they heard these things,</p>
+<p>Though they wept as the brown bird weeps for Itys</p>
+<p class='i2'>On the day that the Wanderers whacked them two to love.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Suddenly then the news came flying,</p>
+<p class='i2'>"English mariners meet the Dutch,</p>
+<p>Tars interned, with the neutrals vieing,</p>
+<p class='i2'>Beaten at Gr&ouml;ningen." Wild hands clutch</p>
+<p class='i8'>At the evening sheets</p>
+<p class='i8'>And the swift pulse beats;</p>
+<p>Is the fame of <span class='smcap'>Hawke</span> and <span class='smcap'>Frobisher</span> dying?</p>
+<p class='i2'>The heart of the town is stirred by the <span class='smcap'>Nelson</span> touch.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Six&mdash;five. It's true. And the tears bedizen</p>
+<p class='i2'>The smoke-stained cheeks, and there comes a scream,</p>
+<p>"If our English lads in a far-off prison</p>
+<p class='i2'>Are matched one day with a German team</p>
+<p class='i8'>And the Germans win,</p>
+<p class='i8'>They will say in Berlin</p>
+<p>That a brighter than all our stars has risen;</p>
+<p class='i2'>Will even the Bottlesham Rovers stand supreme?</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>"Infantry, cavalry, guard and lancer&mdash;</p>
+<p class='i2'>Who on that day will bear the brunt,</p>
+<p>With twinkling feet like a tip-toe dancer</p>
+<p class='i2'>Dribbling about while the half-backs grunt?</p>
+<p class='i8'>There is only one</p>
+<p class='i8'>Who can vanquish the Hun!"</p>
+<p>And Bottlesham town with a cry made answer,</p>
+<p class='i2'>"There is only one; we must send our Tom to the front."</p>
+</div></div>
+<p class='author'><span class='smcap'>Evoe.</span></p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A RIVAL OF "TIPPERARY."</h3>
+<p>While much has been written of the songs that inspire
+our own brave troops on the march, little is heard of those
+affected by our Allies.</p>
+<p>Happily <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Special Eye-witness with General
+Headquarters in the Eastern Area has been enabled to send
+us the words of a song which, set to an old Slav air, is
+rendered with immense <i>&eacute;lan</i> by the gallant Russians as
+they go into battle. It is as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>It's a hard nut is Cracow,</p>
+<p class='i2'>It's a hard nut to crack,</p>
+<p>But it's not so hard to crack, oh!</p>
+<p class='i2'>When once you've got the knack.</p>
+<p>Good-bye, Przemysl;</p>
+<p class='i2'>Farewell, Lemberg (Lwow);</p>
+<p>It's a hard, hard nut to crack is Cracow,</p>
+<p class='i2'>But we'll soon crack it now.</p>
+</div></div>
+<p>By the more cultured Russian regiments, <i>i.e.</i>, those
+recruited in the neighbourhood of the German frontier, the
+last line is rendered:&mdash;</p>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>But we'll crack it right off,</p>
+</div></div>
+<p>to rhyme with Lvoff&mdash;the correct pronunciation of Lwow,
+according to a contemporary.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page434' name='page434'></a>[pg 434]</span></div>
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+<h3><span class='smcap'>King Henry IV., Part I.</span></h3>
+<p>I commend Sir <span class='smcap'>Herbert Tree's</span>
+obvious desire to do his duty as an
+actor-manager and a patriot. His true
+intent is all for our good; and he supports
+his choice of a play in which
+<i>Falstaff</i> is the central obsession by a
+printed quotation from the words of
+"That Wise Ruler Queen Elizabeth of
+England," where she says: "'Tis simple
+mirth keepeth high courage alive."
+But yet he does not convince me that
+he has chosen wisely here. For in the
+first place we are not closely interested
+in civil war, as we came near to
+being in the dim Ulster period; and
+patriotism, which it is his object to
+encourage, is like to remain unaffected
+by a play in which our sympathies
+are fairly distributed between rebel and
+royalist. In the second place I cannot
+believe that the glorification of drunkenness
+and braggadocio in the person of
+<i>Falstaff</i> can directly assist the cause
+(which at this moment needs all the
+help it can get) of sobriety and self-respect.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/434.png">
+<img src="images/434.png" title="" alt="The King" width="100%" /></a>
+<p><i>The King</i> (Mr. <span class='smcap'>Basil Gill</span>) reclaims young <i>Harry</i> (Mr. <span class='smcap'>Owen Nares</span>) from old <i>Harry</i> (the Devil).</p>
+</div>
+<p>Having made this protest I have little
+but praise for the performance itself,
+though I think Sir <span class='smcap'>Herbert Tree's</span>
+own lethargy was not wholly to be
+excused by the hampering rotundity of
+his girth; and that all this deliberate
+sword-play, where you wait till your
+enemy has got his right guard before
+you arrange a concussion between your
+weapon and his, fails to impose itself
+as an image of War. But it was no
+fault of the actors if we suffered a
+further loss of actuality by the incredible
+amount of fine poetry and rhetoric
+thrown off by military men at junctures
+calling for immediate action.</p>
+<p>I also venture to make my complaint
+to the author that the <i>Falstaff</i> scenes
+are given too great a dominance, diverting
+us from the main issue so long that
+at one time we almost lost count of it;
+and that the picture of that fat impostor
+lying supine in a simulation of death
+within a few feet of the fallen body of
+the heroic <i>Hotspur</i> was repellent to
+one's sense of the proprieties.</p>
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Matheson Lang</span> was a brave
+figure as <i>Hotspur</i>; but, after lately
+seeing that other keen actor, Mr. <span class='smcap'>Owen
+Nares</span>, in the part of a modern intellectual
+discussing the ethics of War, I
+could not quite get myself to believe
+in him as <i>Prince Hal</i>. He spoke
+some of his lines with a fine ardour,
+but he was too high-browed and slight
+of body, and it was unthinkable that he
+could ever have persuaded <i>Hotspur</i> to die
+at his hands.</p>
+<p>Sir <span class='smcap'>Herbert Tree</span> affected an almost
+proprietary interest in the bibulous
+humours of <i>Falstaff</i>, presenting them
+with an easy and leisurely restraint;
+and Mr. <span class='smcap'>Basil Gill</span> both in form
+and manner made a quite good <i>King</i>.
+The minor parts upheld the standard
+of His Majesty's; and a pleasant
+rattling of steel and shimmer of mail
+ran through the scenes of active service.
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Percy Macquoid</span> had seen
+to it that the period was there, and
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Joseph Harker</span> had taken good
+care that the jewelry of <span class='smcap'>Shakspeare's</span>
+verse should have the right setting,
+though I could easily have mistaken
+his Gadshill scene for a section of
+the Lake Country.</p>
+<p class='author'>O. S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A GRIEVANCE.</h3>
+<p>Nothing is too good for our fighting
+men. Let my subscription to that
+axiom be complete; and yet&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>Well, it is like this. A man who is
+only a year or so too old for active service,
+but feels as fit and keen as a boy,
+has so many opportunities for regretting
+his enforced civilism and absence
+from the arena that it is hard when
+additional ones are thrust upon him.</p>
+<p>He may do his best at home. He
+may guard gasworks, or organise funds,
+or campaign as an enlister, or visit the
+hospitals; but all the time he is conscious
+that being here is so different
+from being there. It galls him day
+and night, and the only thing that can
+help him at all is the society of lovely
+women, and now he has lost that!</p>
+<p>I hate to grumble, and I have, I believe,
+shouldered my share of the new
+taxes like a man, but I am not made of
+such stern stuff as to be superior to all
+human aid, and in my own case the
+mortification of non-combating, which
+now and then becomes depressingly
+acute, is to be alleviated only in this
+way. Nice women must do their part.</p>
+<p>But do they? No. They did at first,
+but no longer.</p>
+<p>Let me tell you. The other evening
+I found myself one of the complacent
+hosts of a party of merry chattering
+young women, who seemed to be quite
+satisfied with our attention. All of us
+were just beginning to be very jolly,
+and I had actually forgotten my hard
+destiny of inactivity, when who should
+come into the room but an officer on
+crutches, who happened to be an acquaintance
+of each of our guests but was
+unknown both to me and my other just
+too elderly male friends. In an instant
+we were alone, and alone we remained
+for certainly half an hour, while every
+attention was being paid by our guests
+to that other. When at last they tore
+themselves away and returned, their
+conversation was wholly confined to
+their wounded friend's adventures, and
+we need not have been there at all,
+except to pay the bill.</p>
+<p>Now it is no fun to me to deceive
+anyone but myself, and hence I shall
+not go about with my arm in a sling
+and win sympathy and attention to
+which I am not entitled; but I do
+appeal to all the young women to have
+a little pity on some of us compulsory
+stay-at-homes. Nothing is too good
+for our fighting men. I repeat it. But
+just a tiny spark of animation might
+be retained in the feminine eye when
+it alights upon an old friend who is
+debarred from taking arms. Just a
+spark, otherwise we shall go into a
+melancholy decline.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>Smart Work.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Owner gone to the front, friend offers his
+Wolseley ... &pound;165, an extraordinary opportunity."&mdash;<i>Advt.
+in "Autocar."</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>If we were not confident that we should
+be wrong in putting upon these words
+the sinister interpretation which they
+invite, we shouldn't envy the advertiser
+when the owner returns.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From verses in <i>Punch</i>, October
+21st:&mdash;</p>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>"We have made progress near to Berry au Bac,</p>
+<p>And on our right wing there is nothing new."</p>
+</div></div>
+<p>From the French official report,
+November 12th:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p class='center'>"We have also made some progress around Berry au Bac."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>And on the right wing there was
+nothing new.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page435' name='page435'></a>[pg 435]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/435.png">
+<img src="images/435.png" title="" alt="UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR." width="100%" /></a>
+<h3>UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR.</h3>
+<p class="smcap">Public speakers attend a class for the purpose of learning to pronounce correctly the phrase: "We shall not sheathe the sword until, etc., etc."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>FAN.</h2>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Fan, the hunt terrier, runs with the pack,</p>
+<p>A little white bitch with a patch on her back;</p>
+<p>She runs with the pack as her ancestors ran&mdash;</p>
+<p>We're an old-fashioned lot here and breed 'em like Fan;</p>
+<p class='i6'>Round of skull, harsh of coat, game and little and low,</p>
+<p class='i6'>The same as we bred sixty seasons ago.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>So she's harder than nails, and she's nothing to learn</p>
+<p>From her scarred little snout to her cropped little stern,</p>
+<p>And she hops along gaily, in spite of her size,</p>
+<p>With twenty-four couples of big badger-pyes:</p>
+<p class='i6'>'Tis slow, but 'tis sure is the old white and grey,</p>
+<p class='i6'>And 'twill sing to a fox for a whole winter day.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Last year at Rook's Rough, just as Ben put 'em in,</p>
+<p>'Twas Fan found the rogue who was curled in the whin;</p>
+<p>She pounced at his brush with a drive and a snap,</p>
+<p>"<i>Yip-Yap</i>, boys," she told 'em, "I've found him, <i>Yip-Yap</i>;"</p>
+<p class='i6'>And they put down their noses and sung to his line</p>
+<p class='i6'>Away down the valley most tuneful and fine.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>'Twas a point of ten miles and a kill in the dark</p>
+<p>That scared the cock pheasants in Fallowfield Park,</p>
+<p>And into the worry flew Fan like a shot</p>
+<p>And snatched the tit-bit that old Rummage had got;</p>
+<p class='i6'><i>Eloop</i>, little Fan with the patch on her back,</p>
+<p class='i6'>She broke up the fox with the best of the pack.</p>
+</div></div>
+<hr />
+<h2>FOR THE CHILDREN.</h2>
+<blockquote>
+<p class='note'>[<i>The Hospital for Sick Children in Great Ormond Street,
+where many Belgian children are now being cared for,
+is in very urgent need of funds to enable it to maintain
+its beneficent work. The Treasurer will gladly receive
+and acknowledge any subscriptions that may be sent.</i>]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>O generous hearts that freely give,</p>
+<p class='i2'>Nor heed the lessening of your store,</p>
+<p>So but our well-loved land may live,</p>
+<p class='i2'>Much have you given&mdash;give once more!</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>For little children spent with toil,</p>
+<p class='i2'>For little children worn with pain,</p>
+<p>I ask a gift of healing oil&mdash;</p>
+<p class='i2'>Say, shall I ask for it in vain?</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>For, since our days are filled with woe,</p>
+<p class='i2'>And all the paths are dark and chill,</p>
+<p>This thought may cheer us as we go,</p>
+<p class='i2'>And bring us light and comfort still;</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>This, this may stay our faltering feet,</p>
+<p class='i2'>And this our mournful minds beguile:&mdash;</p>
+<p>We helped some little heart to beat</p>
+<p class='i2'>And taught some little face to smile.</p>
+</div></div>
+<p class='author'>R. C. L.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>"<span class='smcap'>Monitors at work off Knocke</span>," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>,
+and by way of reply the Germans knocked off work.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page436' name='page436'></a>[pg 436]</span></div>
+<h2>THE PATRIOT.</h2>
+<p>This is a true story. Unless you
+promise to believe me, it is not much
+good my going on.... You promise?
+Very well.</p>
+<p>Years ago I bought a pianola. I
+went into the shop to buy a gramophone
+record, and I came out with
+a pianola&mdash;so golden-tongued was
+the manager. You would think that
+one could then retire into private life
+for a little, but it is only the beginning.
+There is the music-stool to be purchased,
+the library subscription, the
+tuner's fee (four visits a year, if you
+please), the cabinet for the rolls, the
+man to oil the pedals, the&mdash;&mdash;however,
+one gets out of the shop at last.
+Nor do I regret my venture. It is
+common talk that my pianola was the
+chief thing about me which attracted
+Celia. "I <i>must</i> marry a man with a
+pianola," she said ... and there was
+I ... and here, in fact, we are. My
+blessings, then, on the golden tongue
+of the manager.</p>
+<p>Now there is something very
+charming in a proper modesty about
+one's attainments, but it is necessary
+that the attainments should be generally
+recognized first. It was admirable
+in <span class='smcap'>Stephenson</span> to have said (as
+I am sure he did), when they congratulated
+him on his first steam-engine,
+"Tut-tut, it's nothing;" but
+he could only say this so long as the
+others were in a position to offer the
+congratulations. In order to place you
+in that position I must let you know
+how extraordinarily well I played the
+pianola. I brought to my interpretation
+of different Ops an <i>&eacute;lan</i>, a <i>verve</i>, a <i>je ne
+sais quoi</i>&mdash;and several other French
+words&mdash;which were the astonishment of
+all who listened to me. But chiefly I
+was famous for my playing of one piece:
+"The Charge of the Uhlans," by <span class='smcap'>Karl
+Bohm</span>. Others may have seen Venice
+by moonlight, or heard the Vicar's
+daughter recite <i>Little Jim</i>, but the
+favoured few who have been present
+when <span class='smcap'>Bohm</span> and I were collaborating
+are the ones who have really lived.
+Indeed, even the coldest professional
+critic would have spoken of it as "a
+noteworthy rendition."</p>
+<p>"The Charge of the Uhlans." If you
+came to see me, you had to hear it. As
+arranged for the pianola, it was marked
+to be played throughout at a lightning
+pace and with the loudest pedal on.
+So one would play it if one wished to
+annoy the man in the flat below; but a
+true musician has, I take it, a higher
+aim. I disregarded the "FF.'s" and the
+other sign-posts on the way, and gave
+it my own interpretation. As played
+by me, "The Charge of the Uhlans"
+became a whole battle scene. Indeed,
+it was necessary, before I began, that
+I should turn to my audience and
+describe the scene to them&mdash;in the
+manner, but not in the words, of a
+Queen's Hall programme:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Er&mdash;first of all you hear the cavalry
+galloping past, and then there's a short
+hymn before action while they form up,
+and then comes the charge, and then
+there's a slow bit while they&mdash;er&mdash;pick
+up the wounded, and then they
+trot slowly back again. And if you
+listen carefully to the last bit you'll
+actually hear the horses limping."</p>
+<p>Something like that I would say;
+and it might happen that an insufferable
+guest (who never got asked again)
+would object that the hymn part was
+unusual in real warfare.</p>
+<p>"They sang it in this piece anyhow,"
+I would say stiffly, and turn my back
+on him and begin.</p>
+<p>But the war put a stop to music as
+to many other things. For three
+months the pianola has not been
+played by either of us. There are two
+reasons for this: first, that we simply
+haven't the time now; and secondly,
+that we are getting all the music we
+want from the flat below. The flat
+below is learning "Tipperary" on one
+finger. He gets as far as the farewell
+to Leicester Square, and then he breaks
+down; the parting is too much for him.</p>
+<p>I was not, then, surprised at the
+beginning of this month to find Celia
+looking darkly at the pianola.</p>
+<p>"It's very ugly," she began.</p>
+<p>"We can't help our looks," I said in
+my grandmother's voice.</p>
+<p>"A bookcase would be much prettier
+there."</p>
+<p>"But not so tuneful."</p>
+<p>"A pianola isn't tuneful if you never
+play it."</p>
+<p>"True," I said.</p>
+<p>Celia then became very alluring, and
+suggested that I might find somebody
+who would like to be lent a delightful
+pianola for a year or so by somebody
+whose delightful wife had her eye on a
+delightful bookcase.</p>
+<p>"I might," I said.</p>
+<p>"Somebody," said Celia, "who isn't
+supplied with music from below."</p>
+<p>I found John. He was quite pleased
+about it, and promised to return the
+pianola when the war was over.</p>
+<p>So on Wednesday it went. I was
+not sorry, because in its silence it was
+far from beautiful, and we wanted
+another bookcase badly. But on Tuesday
+evening&mdash;its last hours with us&mdash;I
+had to confess to a certain melancholy.
+It is sad to part with an old and well-tried
+friend, particularly when that
+friend is almost entirely responsible
+for your marriage. I looked at the
+pianola and then I said to Celia, "I
+must play it once again."</p>
+<p>"Please," said Celia.</p>
+<p>"The old masterpiece, I suppose?"
+I said, as I got it out.</p>
+<p>"Do you think you ought to&mdash;now?
+I don't think I want to hear a charge
+of the Uhlans&mdash;beasts; I want a charge
+of our own men."</p>
+<p>"Art," I said grandly, "knows no
+frontiers." I suppose this has been
+said by several people several times
+already, but for the moment both Celia
+and I thought it was rather clever.</p>
+<p>So I placed the roll in the pianola,
+sat down and began to play....</p>
+<p>Ah, the dear old tune....</p>
+<p>Dash it all!</p>
+<p>"What's happened?" said Celia,
+breaking a silence which had become
+alarming.</p>
+<p>"I must have put it in wrong," I
+said.</p>
+<p>I wound the roll off, put it in again,
+and tried a second time, pedalling
+vigorously.</p>
+<p>Dead silence....</p>
+<p>Hush! A note ... another silence
+... and then another note....</p>
+<p>I pedalled through to the end. About
+five notes sounded.</p>
+<p>"Celia," I said, "this is wonderful."</p>
+<p>It really was wonderful. For the
+first time in its life my pianola refused
+to play "The Charge of the Uhlans."
+It had played it a hundred times while
+we were at peace with Germany, but
+when we were at war&mdash;no!</p>
+<p>We had to have a farewell piece.
+I put in a waltz, and it played it perfectly.
+Then we said good-bye to our
+pianola, feeling a reverence for it which
+we had never felt before.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>You don't believe this? Yet you
+promised you would ... and I still
+assure you that it is true. But I
+admit that the truth is sometimes hard
+to believe, and the first six persons to
+whom I told the story assured me
+frankly that I was a liar. If one is to
+be called a liar, one may as well make
+an effort to deserve the name. I made
+an effort, therefore, with the seventh
+person.</p>
+<p>"I put in 'The Charge of the
+Uhlans,'" I said, "and it played 'God
+Save the King.'"</p>
+<p>Unfortunately he was a very patriotic
+man indeed, and he believed it. So
+that is how the story is now going
+about. But you who read this know
+the real truth of the matter.</p>
+<p class='author'>A. A. M.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>Things worth waiting for.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Other pictures are announced, among
+them 'Trilby,' with Sir H. Beerbohm Tree in
+the title-r&ocirc;le."&mdash;<i>Blackheath Local Guide</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page437' name='page437'></a>[pg 437]</span></div>
+<h2>THE TRUTH ABOUT &mdash;&mdash;.</h2>
+<h3>Facsimile sketches by our Special Correspondent at &mdash;&mdash;.</h3>
+<div class="center">
+<table summary="comics" border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0">
+<colgroup span="2" width="49%" />
+  <tr valign="bottom"><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-1.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-1.png" title="" alt="panel 1" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">For three days &mdash;&mdash; lay wounded.</p>
+</div>
+</td><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-2.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-2.png" title="" alt="panel 2" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">Was picked up by &mdash;&mdash; and placed in passing wagon</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr>
+  <tr valign="bottom"><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-3.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-3.png" title="" alt="panel 3" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">Discovered therein a quantity of hidden &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+</div>
+</td><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-4.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-4.png" title="" alt="panel 4" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">The expression on the driver's face told him &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr>
+  <tr valign="bottom"><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-5.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-5.png" title="" alt="panel 5" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">After a desperate struggle he overcame the driver and drove wagon to &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+</div>
+</td><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-6.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-6.png" title="" alt="panel 6" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">He found the village damaged. The above sketch gives the exact positions of &mdash;&mdash; and &mdash;&mdash;. To the right of the &mdash;&mdash; can be seen the ruins of the &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr>
+  <tr valign="bottom"><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-7.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-7.png" title="" alt="panel 7" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">Ignoring the &mdash;&mdash;'s fire he ran for several miles;</p>
+</div>
+</td><td>
+<div class="figcenter iesize">
+    <a href="images/437-8.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-8.png" title="" alt="panel 8" /></a>
+    <p class="smcap">and came face to face with &mdash;&mdash; who said &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+  </div>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page438' name='page438'></a>[pg 438]</span></div>
+<h2><span class="medium">To the Memory</span><br />
+<span class="smaller">of</span><br />
+<span class="muchlarger">Field-Marshal Earl Roberts</span><br />
+<span class="smaller">of Kandahar and Pretoria.</span></h2>
+<p class='center'><span class='smcap'>Born, 1832.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Died, on service at the front, Nov. 14th, 1914.</span></p>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>He died, as soldiers die, amid the strife,</p>
+<p class='i2'>Mindful of England in his latest prayer;</p>
+<p>God, of His love, would have so fair a life</p>
+<p class='i8'>Crowned with a death as fair.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>He might not lead the battle as of old,</p>
+<p class='i2'>But, as of old, among his own he went,</p>
+<p>Breathing a faith that never once grew cold,</p>
+<p class='i8'>A courage still unspent.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>So was his end; and, in that hour, across</p>
+<p class='i2'>The face of War a wind of silence blew,</p>
+<p>And bitterest foes paid tribute to the loss</p>
+<p class='i8'>Of a great heart and true.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>But we who loved him, what have we to lay</p>
+<p class='i2'>For sign of worship on his warrior-bier?</p>
+<p>What homage, could his lips but speak to-day,</p>
+<p class='i8'>Would he have held most dear?</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Not grief, as for a life untimely reft;</p>
+<p class='i2'>Not vain regret for counsel given in vain;</p>
+<p>Not pride of that high record he has left,</p>
+<p class='i8'>Peerless and pure of stain;</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>But service of our lives to keep her free,</p>
+<p class='i2'>The land he served; a pledge above his grave</p>
+<p>To give her even such a gift as he,</p>
+<p class='i8'>The soul of loyalty, gave.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>That oath we plight, as now the trumpets swell</p>
+<p class='i2'>His requiem, and the men-at-arms stand mute,</p>
+<p>And through the mist the guns he loved so well</p>
+<p class='i8'>Thunder a last salute!</p>
+</div></div>
+<p class='author'>O. S.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page439' name='page439'></a>[pg 439]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/439.png">
+<img src="images/439.png" title="" alt="A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY." width="100%" /></a>
+<h3>A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY.</h3>
+<p style="text-indent: 0">THIS WAS THE HAPPY WARRIOR. THIS WAS HE<br />THAT EVERY MAN IN ARMS SHOULD WISH TO BE.</p>
+</div>
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page440' name='page440'></a>[pg 440]</span></div>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page441' name='page441'></a>[pg 441]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/441-1.png">
+<img src="images/441-1.png" title="" alt="Mr. Spenlow Asquith explains" width="100%" /></a>
+<p class="smcap">Mr. Spenlow Asquith explains to Master Walter Long that "state of things complained of is entirely due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincaré."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p class='center'>(<span class='smcap'>Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P</span>.)</p>
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, 16th
+November.</i>&mdash;"Let us think imperially,"
+said <span class='smcap'>Don Jos&eacute;</span> in a famous phrase.
+Just now we are thinking in millions.
+Suppose it's somewhere about the
+same thing. Anyhow <span class='smcap'>Premier</span> to-day
+announced with pardonable pride that
+we are spending a trifle under a million
+a day in the war forced upon mankind
+by the Man Forsworn. To meet necessities
+of case he asked for further Vote
+of Credit for 225 millions and an addition
+of a million men to Regular Army.</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/441-2.png">
+<img src="images/441-2.png" title="" alt="Wedgwood Benn s'en va-t-en guerre." width="100%" /></a>
+<p class="smcap">Wedgwood Benn s'en va-t-en guerre.</p>
+</div>
+<p>Here was a chance for a great speech.
+Never before had English Minister submitted
+such stupendous propositions.
+Some of us remember how, thirty-six
+years ago, <span class='smcap'>Dizzy</span>, by way of threat to
+Russia, then at war with Turkey, created
+profound sensation in town and
+country by asking for Vote of Credit
+for six millions. At close of Boer War
+<span class='smcap'>Hicks-Beach</span>, then Chancellor of
+Exchequer, launched a War Loan of
+30 millions. 'Twas thought at the
+time that we were going it, taking
+a long stride towards national Bankruptcy
+Court. Now it is 225 millions
+in supplement of a hundred millions
+voted in August. Moreover, the two
+together do not carry us further than end
+of financial year, 31st of March. Then
+we shall begin again with another trifle of
+same dimensions or probably increased.</p>
+<p>How Mr. G., had he still been with
+us, would have revelled in opportunity
+for delivering an oration planned to
+scale! How his eloquence would have
+glowed over these fantastic figures!
+<span class='smcap'>Herbert Henry Asquith</span> (had he been
+consulted at the font, he would certainly
+have objected to useless waste of time
+involved in a second baptismal name)
+spoke for less than quarter of an
+hour, submitting proposals in baldest,
+most business-like fashion. He wanted
+the men and he wanted the money too.
+Fewer words spoken the sooner he
+would get them. So, avoiding tropes
+and flights of eloquence, he just stood
+at Table, a sort of humanized ledger,
+briefly set forth items of his account,
+totalled them up and sat down.</p>
+<p><span class='smcap'>Walter Long</span>, following, voiced general
+dislike for prohibition that keeps
+War Correspondents out of fighting
+line in Flanders. Deprecated risk of
+circulating information useful to the
+enemy, but insisted, amid cheers from
+both sides, that there might be published
+letters from the front free from
+such danger "that would bring comfort
+and solace to the people and would do
+more to attract recruits than bands and
+flag-parading throughout the country."</p>
+<p>Speaking later in reply, Mr. Spenlow
+<span class='smcap'>Asquith</span>, while sympathising with
+<span class='smcap'>Walter Long's</span> desire, explained that
+state of things complained of is entirely
+due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincar&eacute;.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page442' name='page442'></a>[pg 442]</span></div>
+<p>"We are not free agents in this
+matter," he said. "We must regulate
+our proceedings by the proceedings of
+our Allies."</p>
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote of Credit for
+225 million and authority to raise another
+million men for Army agreed to
+without dissent.</p>
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Lords and Commons
+united in paying tribute to the life,
+lamenting the death, of Lord <span class='smcap'>Roberts&mdash;"Bobs,"</span>
+beloved of the Army, revered
+in India, mourned throughout
+the wide range of Empire. Even in
+Germany, where hatred of all that is
+English has become a monomania, exception
+is made in his favour. "There
+are moments," writes a sportsman in
+the German Press, "when the
+warrior salutes the enemy with
+his sword instead of striking with
+it. Such a moment came with the
+death of Lord Roberts."</p>
+<p>Speeches in both Houses worthy
+of the occasion. Brief, simple,
+genuine in emotion, they were well
+attuned to the theme. One of the
+happiest things said was uttered
+by <span class='smcap'>Bonar Law</span>: "In his simplicity,
+in his modesty, in his high-minded
+uprightness, and in his stern detestation
+of everything mean and
+base, Lord <span class='smcap'>Roberts</span> was in real
+life all, and more than all, that
+<i>Colonel Newcome</i> was in fiction."</p>
+<p><span class='smcap'>Premier</span> proposed that on Monday
+House shall authorise erection
+of monument at the public charge
+to the memory of the Great Soldier.
+When motion formally put from
+Chair heads were bared in farewell
+salute of the warrior taking his rest.</p>
+<p>Not the least touching note of
+eloquence was supplied during proceedings
+in House of Lords. It was
+the empty seat at the corner of the
+Front Cross Bench where on rare occasions
+stood the lithe erect figure, in
+stature not quite so high as <span class='smcap'>Napoleon</span>,
+modestly offering words of counsel.</p>
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class='smcap'>Chancellor of
+Exchequer</span>, presenting himself to
+favourable consideration of crowded
+House in homely character of coalheaver
+filling bunkers of a battleship,
+introduced second Budget of the year.
+Upon consideration House comes to
+conclusion that one is quite enough,
+thank you. Proposals in Supplementary
+Budget are what <i>Dominic Sampson</i>
+might, with more than customary
+appropriateness and emphasis, describe
+as "Prodigious!" Faced by deficiency
+of something over three-hundred-and-thirty-nine-and-a-half
+millions,
+<span class='smcap'>Chancellor</span> launches War Loan of
+two hundred and thirty millions and
+levies additional fifteen-and-a-half
+millions in taxation.</p>
+<p><i>Items:</i> Income Tax doubled; threepence
+a pound added to tea; a halfpenny
+clapped on price of every modest half-pint
+of beer consumed.</p>
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Monotony of truce in
+respect of Party politics varied by
+wholesome heartening game. It consists
+of hunting down the German spies
+and chivying the <span class='smcap'>Home Secretary</span>.
+Played in both Houses to-night. In
+the Lords <span class='smcap'>Halsbury</span> attempted to
+make Lord <span class='smcap'>Chancellor's</span> flesh creep
+by disclosure of existence of "ingenious
+system of correspondence" carried on
+between alien spies and their paymaster
+in Berlin. <span class='smcap'>Haldane</span> replied that the
+matter had been closely investigated;
+turned out there was "nothing in it."
+<span class='smcap'>Crawford</span> fared no better. Imperturbable
+<span class='smcap'>Lord Chancellor</span> assured House
+that the military and civil authorities
+in Scotland were cognisant of rumours
+reported by noble Lord. Every
+case that seemed to warrant investigation
+had been looked into. Was found
+that many were based on hearsay.
+Impossible to find evidence to establish
+charges made.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/442.png">
+<img src="images/442.png" title="" alt="The Chancellor of the Exchequer" width="100%" /></a>
+<p class="smcap">The Chancellor of the Exchequer "in homely character of coalheaver filling bunkers of a battleship."</p>
+</div>
+<p>Nevertheless, <span class='smcap'>Londonderry</span>, having
+dispassionately thought the matter over,
+came to conclusion that conduct of <span class='smcap'>Home
+Secretary</span> was "contemptible."</p>
+<p>This opinion, phrased in differing
+form, shared on Opposition Benches in
+Commons. <span class='smcap'>Premier</span> explained that
+business of dealing with aliens is not
+concentrated in Home Office; is shared
+with the War Office and the Admiralty.
+Of late, on suggestion of Committee
+of Imperial Defence, there has been
+established at War Office an Intelligence
+Department in correspondence
+with the Admiralty and assured of
+assistance of the Home Office wherever
+necessary.</p>
+<p>That all very well. Hon. Members
+and noble Lords in Opposition not to
+be disturbed in their honest conviction
+that <span class='smcap'>McKenna</span> is at the bottom of the
+bad business.</p>
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;On suggestion of
+<span class='smcap'>Bonar Law</span> and on motion of <span class='smcap'>Premier</span>
+Select Committee appointed to consider
+scheme of pensions and grants for men
+wounded in the war, and for the widows
+and orphans of those who have lost
+their lives.</p>
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Like <span class='smcap'>Marlbrook, Wedgwood
+Benn</span> <i>s'en va-t-en guerre</i>. Has
+sallied out with a troop of Middlesex
+Hussars to "join our army in
+Flanders," where, according to contemporary
+testimony, once upon a
+time it "swore terribly." His
+Parliamentary services, supplemented
+by the Chairmanship of
+Committee controlling disposition
+of National Relief Fund, might
+seem sufficient to keep him at
+home. But valour, like murder,
+will out. So, as old <i>John Willett</i>,
+landlord of the Maypole Inn, Chigwell,
+used to say when asked of the
+whereabouts of his son, "he has
+gone to the Salwanners, where the
+war is," carrying with him the
+good wishes of all sections of House
+and an exceptionally full knowledge
+of the intricacies of the
+Insurance Act.</p>
+<p>Many gaps on Benches on both
+sides. <span class='smcap'>Sark</span> tells me there are
+seven-score Members on active
+service at the Front. One of the
+first to go was <span class='smcap'>Seely</span>, at brief
+interval stepping from position of
+Head of British Army to that of a
+unit in its ranks.</p>
+<p>News of him came the other day
+from Private <span class='smcap'>James White</span>, of the
+Inniskilling Fusiliers, now in hospital
+at Belfast. Wounded by fragments of
+a shell, <span class='smcap'>White</span> lay for an hour where
+he fell. Then he felt a friendly hand
+on his shoulder and a cheery voice
+asked how he was getting on.</p>
+<p>It was Colonel <span class='smcap'>Seely</span> bending over
+him, regardless of heavy shell fire
+directed on the spot by German batteries.
+He gave the wounded Fusilier
+a cigarette, helped him to get up and
+assisted him to his motor-car, in which he
+had all day been engaged in conveying
+wounded to French hospital in the rear.</p>
+<p>"He is the bravest man I ever met,"
+said Private <span class='smcap'>James White</span>. "He was
+as cool as the morning under fire,
+cheering us all up with smiles and
+little jokes."</p>
+<p><i>Business done:</i>&mdash;Report of Supply.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page443' name='page443'></a>[pg 443]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/443.png">
+<img src="images/443.png" title="" alt="THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE." width="100%" /></a>
+<h3>THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE.</h3>
+<p class="smcap">"Ullo, you fellers! Wot yer come down for? More petrol?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>A RECRUITING BALLAD.</h2>
+<blockquote>
+<p class='note'>[Recruiting in country districts is languishing because the folk hear nothing of their regiments, and local attachment is very strong.
+Unfortunately this ballad had to be founded on material supplied by the C&mdash;&mdash;r. However, the permitted references to Germans ought
+at any rate to convince the public that the ballad has no connection whatever with the late Boer War.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'>
+<p>This is the tale of the Blankshires bold, the famous charge they made;</p>
+<p>This is the tale of the deeds they did whose glory never will fade;</p>
+<p>They only numbered <i>X</i> hundred men and the German were thousands (<i>Y</i>),</p>
+<p>Yet on the battlefield of <i>Z</i> they made the foeman fly.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Calm and cool on the field they stood (near a town&mdash;I can't say where);</p>
+<p>Some of them hugged their rifles close but none of them turned a hair;</p>
+<p>The Colonel (I must suppress his name) looked out on the stubborn foe,</p>
+<p>And said, "My lads, we must drive them hence, else <i>A</i> + <i>B</i> will go."</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Then each man looked in his neighbour's face and laughed with sudden glee</p>
+<p>(The Briton fights his very best for algebra's formul&aelig;);</p>
+<p>The hostile guns barked loud and sharp (their number I cannot give),</p>
+<p>And no one deemed the Blankety Blanks could face that fire and live.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>For Colonel O. was struck by a shell and wounded was Major Q.,</p>
+<p>And half a hostile army corps came suddenly into view;</p>
+<p>And hidden guns spat death at them and airmen hovered to kill,</p>
+<p>But the Blankety Blanks just opened their ranks and charged an (unnamed) hill.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Half of their number fell on the hill ere they reached the German trench;</p>
+<p>G&eacute;n&eacute;ral J&mdash;&mdash; cried out: "Tr&egrave;s bon"; "Not half," said Marshal F&mdash;&mdash;;</p>
+<p>An angry Emperor shook his fist and at his legions raved,</p>
+<p>And then (the C&mdash;&mdash;r lets me say) the cheery Blankshires shaved.</p>
+</div><div class='stanza'>
+<p>Rally, O rally, ye Blankshire men, rally to fill the gaps;</p>
+<p>Seek victories (all unknown to us), bear (well-suppressed) mishaps;</p>
+<p>And when you've made a gallant charge and pierced the angry foe</p>
+<p>Your names won't get to your people at home, but <span class='smcap'>Buckmaster</span> will know.</p>
+</div></div>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page444' name='page444'></a>[pg 444]</span></div>
+<h2>OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.</h2>
+<h3>II.</h3>
+<p>The truth is that the Belgians in
+Crashie Howe are enjoying a <i>succ&egrave;s fou</i>.
+There is the enterprising Marie, who
+thinks nothing of going off on her
+own, on the strength of an English
+vocabulary only a fortnight old, overwhelming
+the stationmaster and boarding
+an ambulance train full of wounded
+Belgians at the local station to ask for
+news of her brothers. (We were all
+delighted when an adventurous letter
+miraculously arrived from the Pas
+de Calais on Saturday and reported
+that both brothers were well and
+unwounded.) There is Victor, who,
+although only thirteen, is already a
+<i>pupille d'arm&eacute;e</i> and has a uniform quite
+as good as any fighting man. I can
+tell you he has put our Boy Scouts in
+the shade. But Victor is afraid the
+war will be over before he is old enough
+to get at it.</p>
+<p>Then, again, there is the small
+Juliette, who is dark, with a comfortable
+little face constructed almost entirely of
+dimples, and, at the age of eight, has
+been discovered knitting stockings at
+a prodigious pace while she looked
+the other way. I am afraid Juliette
+is being held up as an example to
+other children of the neighbourhood,
+but I think her great popularity may
+well survive even that. And there is
+Louis, who is a marvel at making bird-cages,
+and Rosalie, whose pride is in
+the shine of her pots and pans. They
+are all doing well.</p>
+<p>Rosalie, it is true, has had a fearful
+bout of toothache, so bad that she had
+to retire to bed for a day. When
+Dr. Anderson, whose French is very
+good, had successfully diagnosed the
+trouble and told her that the only cure
+was to have the tooth out, she plaintively
+replied that she had thought of
+that herself, but, alas, it was impossible,
+for "it was too firmly implanted."
+For my part I sympathised with
+Rosalie&mdash;I have often felt like that.</p>
+<p>The grandmother rather likes to sit
+apart, beaming, far from the general
+throng, and it was for that reason that
+I selected her at the very outset to
+practise on in private. I tried her
+more than once in my sadly broken
+French; I even went further and tried
+her in rapidly-improvised Flemish.
+Whenever I felt I was at my best I
+used to go and have a turn at her, and,
+although she smiled at me like anything
+and was awfully pleased, I never
+elicited the slightest response. Now I
+know that she is almost stone deaf
+and hasn't heard a word I have said.
+As I came sadly away after this discovery
+there occurred to my mind the
+story of him who undertook to train
+a savage in the arts of civilization,
+only to learn, after some years of disappointing,
+unrequited toil, that his
+victim was not only a savage but also
+a lunatic. I don't mean that to be
+disrespectful to <i>Grandm&egrave;re</i>&mdash;it is only
+a parallel instance of good work thrown
+away.</p>
+<p>We are learning a good deal that is
+new about the art of knitting. One
+thing is that the Flemish knitter
+cannot get on at all comfortably unless
+the needles are long enough to
+tuck under her arms. I may safely
+say that I never dreamt of that. At
+first they fumbled about unhappily
+with our miserable little needles, but
+the ship's carpenter&mdash;who makes the
+bird-cages&mdash;has found quite an ingenious
+way out. He has mounted
+all the needles at the end of a sort of
+stilt or leg of cane (like a bayonet), and
+since this innovation they are working
+at a speed which, even in these days
+of universal knitting, would be pretty
+hard to beat.</p>
+<p>The children are really getting on
+famously at school. A very touching
+little romance was enacted there one
+day. Eug&egrave;ne and Pierre, belonging to
+different families, arrived in our midst
+on different days and did not chance
+to meet each other at first. At school
+they happened to be put, away from
+their compatriots, in the same room.
+Eug&egrave;ne is eight and Pierre seven. It
+was, you may well guess, pretty lonely
+work for a small Belgian in a roomful
+of Scotch boys, but both bore up
+bravely. The subject, as I understand,
+was simple addition (which knows no
+frontiers and looks the same in any
+language), and there is no whispering
+or secret conversation in our school, I
+can tell you. There they sat side by
+side for two hours, each contemplating
+the other as an alien, each smothering
+pent-up feelings of home-sickness. And
+then suddenly, at a single Flemish word
+from the schoolmaster, the moment of
+revelation came; it dawned on both of
+them at once that they were not alone,
+and, rising to their feet, they embraced
+with tears of joy.</p>
+<p>"Broeder!" cried Eug&egrave;ne.</p>
+<p>"Broeder!" echoed Pierre.</p>
+<p>That was nearly a week ago. By
+now Pierre is beginning to treat Eug&egrave;ne
+in a slightly off-hand manner. He has
+hardly time for him. He has so many
+Scotch friends.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"During the night a terrific gale raged in
+Manchester and surrounding districts, hail
+and sleet being accompanied by a torrential
+rainfall varied by Pendleton, Eccles, Seedley
+and other lightning."&mdash;<i>People</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>"Eccles lightning is the best."&mdash;(<i>Advt.</i>).</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE IMMORTAL LEGEND.</h3>
+<p>In the House of Commons on November
+18, Mr. <span class='smcap'>King</span> asked the <span class='smcap'>Under-Secretary
+for War</span> whether he could
+state, without injury to the military
+interests of the Allies, whether any
+Russian troops had been conveyed
+through Great Britain to the Western
+area of the European War.</p>
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Tennant's</span> reply:&mdash;"I am uncertain
+whether it will gratify or displease
+my hon. friend to know that no Russian
+troops have been conveyed through
+Great Britain to the Western area of
+the European War."</p>
+<p>The firm and faithful believers in this
+beautiful tale are not to be put off so
+easily as that, and there are so many
+thousands of faces to be saved, and such
+numbers of ear- (if not eye-) witnesses
+of the undying exploit, that we really
+must see if there is not after all some
+loophole in the official pronouncement.
+Let us pause for further scrutiny and
+meditations.</p>
+<p>Why, of course, here it is. The
+<span class='smcap'>Under-Secretary</span> merely states his
+imperfect knowledge of the bias of Mr.
+<span class='smcap'>King</span>. He does not know whether his
+questioner is one of the ardent souls
+who are ready to pass along and adorn
+the latest legend from the Clubs, or a
+cold-blooded sceptic fit only to be a
+Censor.</p>
+<p>No, we are not to be done out of our
+Russians by any mere <span class='smcap'>Under-Secretary
+for War</span>; certainly not one who
+is capable of such prevarication. And
+anyhow, why should the Germans do
+all the story-telling?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE WILD AND WOOLLY WEST END.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"<span class='smcap'>A Protest.</span>&mdash;Is there any reason why the
+War should be made an excuse for the
+abandonment of the niceties of life? Dining
+at a West-End restaurant nowadays one might
+well imagine oneself in America, from the
+variety and incongruity of the dress of the
+male patrons."&mdash;<i>Advt. in "The Times."</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We fear that the protest is only too
+well justified. Indeed, much more
+might be revealed were it not for the
+heavy hand of the C&mdash;&mdash;r. Our special
+representative reports:&mdash;</p>
+<p>To the O.C., <i>Punch</i> Battalion,
+Bouverie Brigade, Fleet Division, E.C.,
+of London Reserves.</p>
+<p class='center'><i>A City on the river T&mdash;&mdash;s.<br />
+Nov. the &mdash;teenth.</i></p>
+<p>Carrying out your order No. <span class='smcap'>69a</span>,
+I made a night <a name='TC_3'></a><ins title="Was 'reconnaisance'">reconnaissance</ins> in
+force. I have the honour to report that
+at dinner at a certain hotel two hundred
+yards east by north of railway base
+C&mdash;&mdash;g X, I counted only five boiled
+shirts. Have reason to suspect that
+<span class='pagenum'><a id='page445' name='page445'></a>[pg 445]</span>
+they were subsidised by the management,
+and were worn by Stock Exchange
+members thrown out of employment
+by the War and endeavouring to
+supplement their private incomes.</p>
+<p>The rest of the male costumes were
+mainly khaki. One man entered
+dining-room with Buffalo Bill hat
+decorated with maple-leaf and A.M.S.
+(Athabasca Mounted Scalpers), which
+he deposited on chair next to him.
+The only nut present endeavoured to
+remove this object. The A.M.S. man
+touched his hip-pocket significantly,
+and said: "The drinks are on you."</p>
+<p>At the table next to him was a group
+of South American magnates in tweed
+suits decorated with large buttons reading:
+"<i>No me habla de la guerra!</i>" If
+the man from Athabasca should start
+conversation with them about the war,
+it seemed probable that gun-fighting
+would ensue. I therefore enfiladed the
+position and took cover. However, the
+sergeant-waiter tactfully shifted a palm
+into screening position between the two
+tables, and thus averted the spreading
+of the War to Latin America.</p>
+<p>Similar state of affairs existed in
+stalls of certain theatre within outpost
+distance of P&mdash;&mdash;y C&mdash;&mdash;s. Ladies
+were openly knitting socks and intimate
+woollen garments between the Acts.
+Management seemed powerless to restore
+the conventions of peace-time.</p>
+<p>At the C&mdash;&mdash;n Tavern the bar-tender
+had pasted notice on mirror behind him:
+"This Saloon closes at ten sharp.
+Gents are kindly requested not to start
+nothing here." The announcement
+seemed to have been effective, for very
+few bullet-marks were to be noted.</p>
+<p>By midnight, L&mdash;&mdash;r S&mdash;&mdash;e and
+R&mdash;&mdash;t S&mdash;&mdash;t were comparatively
+clear of dagos. This was due to efforts
+of street-cleaning corps (3rd County of
+L&mdash;&mdash;n Light Hose).</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/445.png">
+<img src="images/445.png" title="" alt="Recruiting Officer" width="100%" /></a>
+<p><i>Recruiting Officer (to brawny pitman who has just passed his medical examination)</i>. <span class='smcap'>"What regiment do you wish to join?"</span></p>
+<p><i>Pitman</i>. <span class='smcap'>"I don't care."</span></p>
+<p><i>Officer</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Sure you have no preference?"</span></p>
+<p><i>Pitman</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Well, put me in one o' them that spikes the beggars."</span></p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE NEW ANÆSTHETIC.</h3>
+<p class='center'><span class='smcap'>Remarkable Discovery.<br />
+Medical Science Superseded.</span></p>
+<p>A correspondent in whose accuracy
+we place the highest trust informs us
+of very remarkable results which have
+been achieved by the adoption of a new
+means of alleviating pain and suffering
+invented by a lady in London. This
+lady being suddenly taken with lumbago
+was in great agony until she remembered
+our soldiers at the front, and
+thought how much worse was a wound,
+and instantly, our correspondent is
+informed, some of her own distress left
+her. The case has been investigated by
+several eminent inquirers and they are
+satisfied with her story.</p>
+<p>Meanwhile evidence of a similar
+nature comes from other parts of the
+country, in every case recording a
+sense of personal well-being, though
+only comparative, and an increased
+disinclination to complain, upon the
+realisation of what it must be to be a
+soldier just now&mdash;whether up to his
+knees in a flooded trench, or sleeping
+on the wet ground, or lying in agony
+waiting to be picked up and taken to a
+hospital, or being taken to a hospital
+over jolting roads, or going without
+meals, or having to boil tea over a
+candle-flame, or awakening from the
+operation and finding himself maimed
+for life.</p>
+<p>Nor is the lenitive of this little effort
+of imagination confined to bodily ills;
+for a well-authenticated case reaches
+us of a notoriously mean man of wealth
+who was not heard to utter a single
+word of grumbling over the new war
+taxes after realising what the soldier's
+burden was too. Hence <i>Mr. Punch</i> is
+only too happy to give publicity to the
+discovery.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Spy Danger.</h3>
+<p>Extract from a letter written by an
+East Coast resident:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The authorities are now looking for a grey
+motor-car, driven by a woman, who is thought
+to have a wireless apparatus inside."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>R.A.M.C. forward, please.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/446.png">
+<img src="images/446.png" title="" alt="The Sentimentalist" width="100%" /></a>
+<p><i>The Sentimentalist (who has received socks from England)</i>. "<span class='smcap'>She loves me; she loves me not.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page446' name='page446'></a>[pg 446]</span></div>
+<h2>THE LAST BOTTLE.</h2>
+<p>I had been drilling all the morning,
+and had spent the whole of the afternoon
+squirming face downwards on the
+moist turf of Richmond Park in an
+endeavour to advance, as commanded,
+in extended order. In the morning&mdash;that
+is during compressed drill&mdash;I had
+been twice wounded. Owing to lack
+of education a famous novelist had
+confused his left hand with his right,
+with the result that when we were right-turned
+he had dealt me a terrific blow
+on the ear with the barrel
+of his rifle. It soon
+ceased to be an ear, and
+became of the size and
+consistency of a muffin.
+My second casualty was
+brought about by a well-known
+orchestral conductor,
+who however
+confidently he could pilot
+his players through the
+most complicated Symphonic
+Poem was invariably
+out of his depth
+whenever, the ranks being
+turned about, he was
+required to form fours.
+His man&oelig;uvre that
+morning had been a wild
+and undisciplined fugue,
+culminating in an unconventional
+<i>stretto</i> upon an
+exceedingly dominant
+pedal-point, that is to
+say, his heel on my toe.</p>
+<p>Consequently when I
+arrived home in the
+evening, wet, soiled,
+hungry and maimed, I
+felt that I needed a
+little artificial invigoration.
+A bright idea occurred
+to me as I was
+waiting for the bath to
+fill.</p>
+<p>"Joan," I cried, "don't
+you think I might open Johann to-night?"
+Joan, who had been trying to
+decide whether it would not be more
+advisable to have my sweater dyed
+a permanent shot-green and brown,
+demurred.</p>
+<p>"I thought your anti-German conscience
+would not permit you to open
+Johann until after the war's over," she
+called back.</p>
+<p>"My anti-German conscience has
+been severely wounded," I replied. "It
+hasn't sufficient strength to hold out
+much longer. In a few seconds it will
+surrender unconditionally."</p>
+<p>"Be brave," urged Joan. "Just
+think how proud you will be in days to
+come when you look back to this
+evening and realise how, in the face of
+the most terrible temptations, you
+triumphed!"</p>
+<p>"That's all very fine," I remarked,
+"but to-night I feel I need Johann
+medicinally. If I don't have him, there
+may be <i>no</i> days to come. Do be
+reasonable. Do you suppose that if
+the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span>, for instance, were bitten
+by a mad dog&mdash;a real one, I mean&mdash;that
+his anti-Ally conscience would forbid
+his adoption of the Pasteur treatment?"</p>
+<p>"Then if you really feel the need
+of a special refresher," said Joan, "at
+least let me send Ph&oelig;be out for a
+bottle of some friendly or neutral
+substitute."</p>
+<p>A vivid recollection of Ph&oelig;be's being
+despatched once before in an emergency
+for mustard and returning with custard
+flashed through my mind.</p>
+<p>"She's much too unreliable," I cried.
+"She'd get bay rum, or something
+equally futile. It must be Johann or
+nothing."</p>
+<p>"Then," said Joan, "let us say
+nothing"&mdash;an ambiguity of which I
+determined to take full advantage.</p>
+<p>Johann, I must now explain, was the
+sole survivor of six small bottles of the
+genuine Rhine brand which Joan's
+uncle (who is in the trade) had given
+her last Christmas. Number Five had
+been opened on the evening of August
+Bank Holiday after a strenuous day on
+the tennis courts. Later, when hostilities
+had started all round I had taken
+a terrible oath that nothing of German
+or Austrian origin should be used in our
+household until Peace broke out. This
+necessitated the sacrifice of at least four
+inches of breakfast sausage and the
+better part of a box of Carlsbad plums.
+Johann, being intact, was merely interned.
+But at that time I had not
+anticipated that some three months
+later I should be exhausted by long
+and tiring drills and man&oelig;uvres.</p>
+<p>However, on this night
+my body cried aloud for
+Johann's refreshing contents.
+I did not care
+two pins that he had
+been manufactured on
+the banks of the Rhine,
+or that he was the product
+of alien and hostile
+hands. After all, it
+wasn't Johann's fault;
+and besides, surely he
+had been long enough
+in England to become
+naturalised. At any rate
+it was both prejudiced
+and illogical to assume
+that Johann was my
+enemy solely because he
+happened to be born in
+Germany.</p>
+<p>The bath took some
+time to fill. The taps, I
+think, wanted sweeping.
+But during the time that
+elapsed I made up my
+mind. Johann should be
+opened. I slipped on
+my dressing-gown and
+went in search of him.
+When I had secured him
+I met Joan on the landing;
+she was just going
+down to dinner.</p>
+<p>"Haven't you had
+your bath yet?" she
+asked. "Hurry up and&mdash;oh! you've
+got Johann!"</p>
+<p>"Yes," I said. "I have decided
+that there is no evidence to prove that
+he is not a naturalised British bottle.
+I am going to open him."</p>
+<p>"You renegade!" Joan cried. "If
+you dare so much as to loosen his cork
+I'll&mdash;I'll give you an Iron Cross."</p>
+<p>"I'm desperate," I answered. "I
+would still open Johann even if you
+threatened me with the Iron Cross of
+both the first and the second class."</p>
+<p>"Coward!" said Joan. "Still, if
+you're really determined to open him,
+remember half belongs to me."</p>
+<p>A moment later I had poured half
+the contents of Johann&mdash;his full name
+is Johann Maria Farina&mdash;into my bath.</p>
+<hr />
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page447' name='page447'></a>[pg 447]</span></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/447.png">
+<img src="images/447.png" title="" alt="This be a terrible war, Doctor." width="100%" /></a>
+<p><i>She</i>. <span class='smcap'>"This be a terrible war, Doctor."</span></p>
+<p><i>He</i>. <span class='smcap'>"It is, indeed."</span></p>
+<p><i>She</i>. <span class='smcap'>"It's a pity someone don't catch that there old Kruger."</span></p>
+<p><i>He</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Ah, you mean the Kaiser."</span></p>
+<p><i>She</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Aw&mdash;changed his name, has he&mdash;deceitful old varmint?"</span></p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p class='center'>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+<p>In <i>The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman</i> (<span class='smcap'>Macmillan</span>) that
+impenitent pamphleteer, <span class='smcap'>H. G. Wells</span>, returns yet again to
+the intriguing subject of marriage, and in a vein something
+nearer orthodoxy. Not, certainly, that worthy stubborn
+orthodoxy of accepted unquestioned doctrine, or that sleeker
+variety of middle-aged souls that were once young, now
+too tired or bored to go on asking questions, but an orthodoxy
+rather that is honest enough to revise on the
+evidence earlier judgments as too cocksure and hasty. <i>Sir
+Isaac Harman</i> was a tea-shop magnate, and a very pestilent
+and primitive cad who caught his wife young and poor and
+battered her into reluctant surrender by a stormy wooing,
+whose very sincerity and abandonment were but a frantic
+expression of his dominating egotism and acquisitiveness.
+Wooing and winning, thinks this simple ignoble knight, is
+a thing done once and for all. Remains merely obedience
+in very plain and absolute terms on the part of lady to
+lord, obedience which, in the last resort, can be exacted by
+withholding supplies&mdash;not so uncommon a form of blackmail
+as it suits the dominant sex to imagine. <i>Lady
+Harman's</i> emancipation does not take the conventionally
+unconventional form, for some deeper reason, I think, than
+that her sententious friend and would-be lover, <i>George
+Brumley</i>, could not altogether escape her gentle contempt;
+indeed, she recognises <i>Sir Isaac's</i> claims upon her for
+duty and gratitude in a way which modern high-spirited
+priestesses of progress would scarcely approve. She fights
+merely for a limit to the proprietorship, for the right to a
+separate individuality, the right to be useful in a wider
+sphere (a phrase that stands for so much that is good and
+less good). Mr. <span class='smcap'>Wells</span> has realised this gracious, shy and
+beautiful personality with a fine skill. It is no mean feat.
+He might so easily have made a dear mild ghost. And
+oh! if ladies of influence who regiment their inferiors in
+orderly philanthropic schemes had some of the wisdom and
+tolerance of <i>Lady Harman</i> in her dealings with the tea-shop
+girls. You see one instinctively pays Mr. <span class='smcap'>Wells</span> the
+serious compliment of assuming that he has something
+material to say about the things which matter.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>As a demonstration of the irony of history, I can hardly
+imagine a better subject for romance at the present
+moment than the fortunes of <span class='smcap'>William of Orange</span>, and
+if Miss <span class='smcap'>Marjorie Bowen's</span> <i>Prince and Heretic</i> (<span class='smcap'>Methuen</span>)
+shows some traces of having been rather hastily finished
+it is easy to pardon this defect. The alchemist's assistant,
+part seer and part quack, whom she introduces into the
+earlier part of the story foretells the violent deaths of the
+young princes of the house of Nassau and the ravaging
+and looting of the Netherlands by <span class='smcap'>Alva</span>, Defender of the
+Catholic Faith and servant of the House of Hapsburg;
+but he cannot conjure up out of his crystal the sight of a
+Catholic Belgium suffering these things, three hundred and
+fifty years later, at the hands of a Lutheran King allied with
+a Hapsburg and fighting for the sake of no cause but his
+own vanity. Most of the action takes place in Brussels&mdash;a
+Brussels placarded with squibs against <span class='smcap'>Cardinal
+<span class='pagenum'><a id='page448' name='page448'></a>[pg 448]</span>
+Granville</span>; and the final retreat of <span class='smcap'>William</span>, ruined in
+everything except his spirit, to join the army of the <span class='smcap'>Prince
+de Cond&eacute;</span>, has a pathetic significance to-day that not
+many historical romances can claim. Miss <span class='smcap'>Marjorie
+Bowen</span> has a remarkable gift for the presentation of a
+number of lifelike portraits against a vivid and gorgeous
+background, and the successive pictures of the Dutch and
+Flemish Schools which she creates in <i>Prince and Heretic</i>,
+make it, if not quite so successful as <i>I Will Maintain</i>, at
+least a book which no lover of the Lowlands can afford
+to miss.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p><i>Our Sentimental Garden</i> (<span class='smcap'>Heinemann</span>) is one of the very
+pleasantest garden-books I have encountered. One reason
+for this is that it is about such a lot of other things besides
+gardens. Volumes that
+are exclusively devoted
+to what I might call
+horticultural hortation
+are apt to become oppressive.
+But <span class='smcap'>Agnes</span> and
+<span class='smcap'>Egerton Castle</span> are
+persons far too sympathetic
+not to avoid this
+danger. Instead of lecturing,
+they talk with an
+engaging discursiveness
+that lures you from page
+to page, as it might from
+bed to border, were you
+an actual visitor in the
+exquisite Surrey garden
+that is their ostensible
+subject. One thing with
+them leads to another.
+"Lilacs," they say.
+"Ah, lilacs&mdash;" and immediately
+one of them is
+started upon a whole
+series of rambling, <span class='smcap'>Du
+Maurierish</span> recollections
+of school-days in
+Second Empire Paris.
+Kittens and Pekinese
+puppies, village types,
+politics (just a little) and
+Roman villas&mdash;all these
+are the themes of their
+happy talk. "The Garden
+Garrulous" they might have called the book; and I for
+one have found it infinitely charming. Not that shrewd
+hints upon the choice of roses, the marshalling of bulbs,
+and other such aspects of the theme proper are wanting.
+Moreover, what they tell of garden triumphs is at once
+realised for you by a prodigality of drawings scattered
+among the text, some glowing in a full page of colour, others
+in line alone, from the pencil and brush of Mr. <span class='smcap'>Charles
+Robinson</span>. Altogether a very gentle book, of which one
+may echo the hope expressed by the writers in their graceful
+preface that "some unquiet heart, labouring under the
+strain of long-drawn suspense," may find in it "a passing
+relaxation, a forgotten smile."</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>Ernest students of military history should be grateful to
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Edward Foord</span> for the patient labour and perseverance
+he has spent on the compilation of <i>Napoleon's Russian
+Campaign of 1812</i> (<span class='smcap'>Hutchinson</span>). The book appears at a
+most opportune date, for most of us nowadays are military
+critics, and here we can, if we like, compare the Russian
+methods of 1812 with those of 1914. On the other hand,
+in these strenuous days we may not have the time, even if
+we have the inclination, to devote ourselves to campaigns
+a hundred years old. For my own part, while frankly
+admitting the value of this book, I confess that I had sometimes
+to skip in an endeavour to avoid being bewildered by
+names and numbers. Using this desultory mode of progression
+I was still abundantly informed and profoundly
+interested. Mr. <span class='smcap'>Foord</span> is out to give facts, however
+tedious, and I agree with him that it is the business of an
+historian to be accurate before he is entertaining. Yet I
+could have wished that he had been less parsimonious with
+his human appeals, for whenever he unbends he can be at
+once interesting and informing. The struggles of <span class='smcap'>Barclay
+de Tolly</span> against jealousy and intrigues are vividly told,
+and nothing could be
+more graceful than the
+tribute Mr. <span class='smcap'>Foord</span> pays
+to the memory of that
+great soldier, General
+<span class='smcap'>Ebl&eacute;</span>. It is impossible
+to read the history of
+this disastrous campaign
+without being impressed
+by the terrible penalties
+of overweening arrogance
+and ambition, and without
+realising the flaming
+spirit of patriotism that
+has glorified, and will
+always glorify, the Russians
+in time of national
+peril.</p>
+<hr class='short' />
+<p>In <i>A Morning In My
+Library</i> ("<span class='smcap'>Times" Book
+Club</span>), Mr. <span class='smcap'>Stephen
+Coleridge</span> has put together
+an anthology of
+English prose which has
+some high advantages to
+recommend it to popular
+favour even in what the
+compiler calls "these
+tumultuous times." It
+is a small book and fits
+easily into a coat pocket;
+it is well and clearly
+printed, and, best of
+all, the selection is admirably made and does credit to
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Coleridge's</span> taste. Every extract bears the stamp
+of inspiration, a quality difficult to define but unmistakable.
+<span class='smcap'>Raleigh's</span> invocation to Death; <span class='smcap'>Johnson's</span>
+preface to the Dictionary; <span class='smcap'>Napier's</span> description of the
+battle of Albuera; <span class='smcap'>Richard Shiel's</span> appeal on behalf of
+his fellow-countrymen, and <span class='smcap'>Abraham Lincoln's</span> immortal
+speech at Gettysburg&mdash;all these are to be found, and many
+more; and all go to show the might, majesty, dominion
+and power of that great language which it is our privilege
+to speak. I think we shall value that privilege a little
+more highly and shall endeavour to place a more careful
+restraint on our tongues and our pens after we have dipped
+through Mr. <span class='smcap'>Coleridge's</span> little book. He is a judicious
+guide, and such explanations as he adds are always short
+and never tiresome. Yet it must in fairness be added that
+<span class='smcap'>King Charles's</span> head, in the shape of an anti-vivisection
+footnote, has once, but only once, crept into the "memorial."
+However the fault is such a little one that those who love
+noble English prose will easily forgive it.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/448.png">
+<img src="images/448.png" title="" alt="Old Lady (to wounded Officer)" width="100%" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Lady (to wounded Officer)</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Oh, Sir, do you 'appen to 'ave 'eard if any of your men at the front 'as found a pair of spectacles wot I left in a 16 'bus in the Edgware Road?"</span></p>
+</div>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<div class="trnote">
+<p><b>Transcriber Notes</b></p>
+<p>Typographical inconsistencies have been changed and are
+listed below.</p>
+<p>Archaic and variable spelling is preserved.</p>
+<p>Editors' punctuation style is preserved.</p>
+<hr class='invis' />
+<p><b>Transcriber Changes</b></p>
+<p>The following changes were made to the original text:</p>
+<p><a href='#TC_1'>Page 429</a>: Added comma after <b>University</b> (In his interesting sketch, in <i>The
+Times</i>, of the <span class='smcap'>Prince of Wales'</span> career
+at the <b>University,</b> the <span class='smcap'>President</span> of
+Magdalen mentions that His Royal
+Highness "shot at various country
+houses round Oxford.")</p>
+<p><a href='#TC_2'>Page 429</a>: Removed repeated 'of' (the singing of the soldiers of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges <b>of</b> Brus-Rhein.')</p>
+<p><a href='#TC_3'>Page 444</a>: Was 'reconnaisance' (Carrying out your order No. <span class='smcap'>69a</span>, I made a night <b>reconnaissance</b> in force.)</p>
+</div>
+
+<!-- generated by ppg.rb version: ppg0714 -->
+<!-- timestamp: Sat Jul 18 15:44:37 -0400 2009 -->
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, November 25, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+***** This file should be named 29454-h.htm or 29454-h.zip *****
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+November 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: July 19, 2009 [EBook #29454]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 147.
+
+November 25, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+ENVER PASHA, in a proclamation to the Turkish troops, says: "The army
+will destroy all our enemies with the aid of Allah and the assistance
+of the Prophet." It is rumoured that the KAISER is a little bit piqued
+about it.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn from a German paper that, since the brave Ottomans have
+discovered that their Culture and that of the Germans are one, many
+Englishmen who live in Crescents are crying out in fury for an
+alteration of their addresses.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Berlin journal, about 2,000 players of orchestral
+instruments have been thrown out of employment by the war. It is
+suggested that, with a view to providing them with more employment,
+reverses as well as victories should be musically celebrated in the
+capital.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to see that the names of battles in Belgium show a
+tendency to become more cheery. The other day, for instance, we
+had the battle of the Yperlee--and we may yet have a battle of
+Yip-i-yaddy-i-yay.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that a compromise has been arrived at in regard to the
+proposal, emanating from America, that the war shall be stopped for
+twenty-four hours on Christmas Day. The combatants, it is said, have
+agreed to fire plum-puddings instead of cannon-balls.
+
+       ***
+
+Among the promotions which we do not remember seeing gazetted is that
+of KARL GUSTAV ERNST, a German barber-spy. At the Old Bailey, the
+other day, Mr. Justice COLERIDGE promoted him to be a Steinhauer or
+stone-hacker.
+
+       ***
+
+    "'MIRACLE' PRODUCER KILLED."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+This is unfortunate for the Germans, for if ever they needed a miracle
+it is now.
+
+       ***
+
+"Information that has come into our possession," says _The Grocer_,
+"proves _to our satisfaction_ that Germany has been receiving
+plentiful supplies of tea from our shores through neutral countries
+since the outbreak of hostilities." The italics are ours: the
+satisfaction appears to be our contemporary's.
+
+       ***
+
+A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting department of our army. "Why
+go for the single man?" he asks. "We may expect just as much courage
+from the married man. He has already proved his pluck."
+
+       ***
+
+    "HOW DE WET ESCAPED. A MISSING LINK IN THE CORDON."--_Observer_.
+
+The Germans, who have already been calling the Allied forces "The
+Menagerie," should appreciate this item.
+
+       ***
+
+Angry newspaper men are now calling a certain institution the Suppress
+Bureau.
+
+       ***
+
+A solicitor having announced that he is prepared to make the wills of
+the men of a certain regiment free of charge, another enterprising
+legal gentleman, not to be outdone, would like it to be known that he
+is willing to act as residuary legatee without a fee.
+
+       ***
+
+In his interesting sketch, in _The Times_, of the PRINCE OF WALES'
+career at the University, the PRESIDENT of Magdalen mentions that His
+Royal Highness "shot at various country houses round Oxford." We hope
+that this will not be quoted against the PRINCE by a spiteful German
+Press, should any bullet marks be found one day on the walls of some
+castle on the Rhine.
+
+       ***
+
+It came as quite an unpleasant surprise to many persons to learn from
+Mr. ASQUITH that the War is costing us a million pounds a day, that
+being more than some of us spend in a year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.
+
+_Customer_. "BRING ME SOME SOUP, PLEASE."
+
+_Waitress (absent-mindedly)_. "YES, SIR; PURL OR PLAIN, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The End of the Press Bureau.
+
+    "Members of several guilds carried their banners in the
+    procession which went round the church to the accompaniment of
+    impressive music and the swinging of censors."--_South Western
+    Star_.
+
+If this had got about, there would have been a bigger crowd at the
+ceremony. As it was, Fleet Street was taken by surprise, and only had
+time to prepare a few fireworks for the evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Among other public buildings in a certain town which for many
+    reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning ... on a
+    day and date which I need not trouble to repeat...."
+
+No, this is not from our Special Representative behind the Front; it
+is the opening passage of _Oliver Twist_, and shows what a splendid
+War Correspondent DICKENS would have made.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Teuton Anatomy.
+
+    "The clay feet of Germany will be revealed when we take off
+    the gloves."--_Mr. ARNOLD WHITE in "The Sunday Chronicle."_
+
+So that's where they wear them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Questioned with reference to a letter written by him to
+    Steinhauer, in which he said, 'The name of the gentleman in
+    Woolwich Arsenal is ----,' the prisoner said that was a false
+    name."--_Times_.
+
+It's a very silly name anyway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The announcement issued by the Press Bureau that carrier
+    pigeons are to be used officially for certain purposes is an
+    extremely interesting reversion to what we had regarded as
+    almost premature ways of carrying news."--_Westminster
+    Gazette_.
+
+Not so premature as the WOLFF method.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Information for the Enemy.
+
+    "BRITAIN'S SUGAR SUPPLY.
+    SUFFICIENT FOR EIGHT MOUTHS."--_Aberdeen Evening Gazette_.
+
+We insist on providing one of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Now came the drums and fifes, and now the blare of the brass
+    instruments, and continuously the singing of the soldiers
+    of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges of
+    Brus-Rhein.'"--_Adelaide Advertiser_.
+
+A good song, but (so it has always struck us) a clumsy title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from Army Routine Orders, Expeditionary Force, Nov. 9th:--
+
+    "It is notified for information that shooting in the Forest of
+    Clairmarais and certain portions of the adjacent country is
+    preserved."
+
+Clever Germans are now disguising themselves as pheasants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF PATRIOTISM.
+
+Helen and I are economising; so the other evening we dined at the
+Rococo.
+
+"That's no economy," you cry; so let me explain.
+
+In common with most other folk who are not engaged in the manufacture
+of khaki, or rifles, or Army woollens, or heavy siege-guns (to which I
+had not the foresight to turn my attention before the war came along),
+we have found it necessary to adopt a policy of retrenchment and
+reform; and one of our first moves in this direction was to convert
+Evangeline from a daily into a half-daily. Evangeline is not a
+newspaper but a domestic servant, and before the new order was issued
+she had been in the habit of arriving at our miniature flat at 7.30 in
+the morning (when it wasn't 8.15), and retiring at 9 in the evening.
+
+Now, however, Evangeline goes after lunch, and Helen, who has bought a
+shilling cookery book, prepares the dinner herself.
+
+On the day in question Helen suddenly decided to spend the afternoon
+repairing a week's omissions on the part of Evangeline. It proved a
+veritable labour of Hercules, the flat being, as Helen with near
+enough accuracy gave me to understand, an "Aegaean stable." Tea-time
+came, but brought no tea. Shortly before seven Helen struck, and
+declared (this time without any classical metaphor) that she wasn't
+going to cook any dinner that evening. Not to be outdone, I affirmed
+in reply that even if she did cook it I wasn't going to clear it away.
+So we cleaned and adorned ourselves and groped our way to the Rococo.
+
+We were both too tired to go to the trouble of choosing our dinner,
+and it was therefore that we elected to make our way through the
+_table-d'hote_, to which we felt that our appetite, unimpaired by tea,
+could do full justice. Luxuriously we toyed with _hors-d'oeuvre_,
+while the orchestra patriotically intimated that ours is a Land of
+Hope and Glory; blissfully we consumed our soup, undeterred by
+repeated reminders of the distance to Tipperary. It was with the fish
+that the trouble started.
+
+At the second mouthful it began to dawn upon me that what the band
+was playing was the _Brabanconne_. I looked around, and gathered
+that I was not alone in the realisation of that fact; for one by one
+my fellow-diners struggled hesitatingly to their feet, and stood in
+awkward reverence while the National Anthem of our brave Belgian
+Allies was in course of execution. I looked at Helen, and Helen
+looked at me, and we both tried not to look too regretfully at our
+plates as we also adopted the prevailing pose. Not one note of that
+light-hearted anthem did the orchestra miss, and when it was over the
+warmth in our hearts almost compensated for the coldness of our
+fish. We decided to jump at once to the _entree_.
+
+Whatever else may be said of the _Marseillaise_, there can be no
+mistaking its identity. The first bar sufficed to bring the whole room
+to attention, and a promising dish of sweetbreads shared the fate of
+its predecessor. Before the final crash had ceased to reverberate we
+sat down with a thump, resigning ourselves to the prospect of doing
+double justice to the joint. But the orchestra was not so lightly
+to be cheated of its prey. True, we held out as long as possible
+while the Russian Hymn began to unfold its majestic length, and
+Helen actually managed to convey a considerable piece of saddle of
+mutton to her mouth while she was in the very act of rising. That
+joint, however, was soon but a memory of anticipation, and our hunger
+was still keen upon us when the funereal strains of the Japanese
+Anthem coincided with the arrival of a wild duck. I had always
+harboured secret doubts of the advisability of Japan's joining in the
+War, and now they were intensified many times. Cold wild duck is an
+impossibility even to a hungry man.
+
+Ice-pudding, though scarcely satisfying, seemed to warrant the
+expectation that it would at least survive whatever further ordeal the
+band had in store for us. But that hope too was doomed to extinction.
+When _God Save the King_ smote the air the growing lethargy of the
+company of diners vanished, and all joined with a will in the recital
+of all its verses. In the glow of loyal enthusiasm that filled the
+room the ice gradually melted, and as we surveyed the fluid mess upon
+our plates we knew that our dinner was gone beyond recall.
+
+Weary and unappeased we crept home through the City of Dreadful Night.
+I found a remnant of cold beef and some pickles in the kitchen, and on
+this we went to bed. I slept but little, and on five occasions watched
+Helen, who has dreams, get out of bed and stand to attention.
+
+Of course it might have been worse; for the musicians of the Rococo
+evidently had not learnt the national airs of Serbia and Montenegro;
+and Portugal had not then been drawn into the War. But until the
+trouble is over I shall avoid restaurants which harbour an orchestra.
+As you say, it is no economy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MR. BERNARD JAW.
+
+  Illustrious Jester, who in happier days
+  Amused us with your Prefaces and Plays,
+  Acquiring a precarious renown
+  By turning laws and morals upside down,
+  Sticking perpetual pins in Mrs. Grundy,
+  Railing at marriage or the British Sunday,
+  And lavishing your acid ridicule
+  On the foundations of imperial rule;--
+  'Twas well enough in normal times to sit
+  And watch the workings of your wayward wit,
+  But in these bitter days of storm and stress,
+  When souls are shown in all their nakedness,
+  Your devastating egotism stands out
+  Denuded of the last remaining clout.
+  You own our cause is just, yet can't refrain
+  From libelling those who made its justice plain;
+  You chide the Prussian Junkers, yet proclaim
+  Our statesmen beat them at their own vile game.
+
+  Thus, bent on getting back at any cost
+  Into the limelight you have lately lost,
+  And, high above war's trumpets loudly blown
+  On land and sea, eager to sound your own,
+  We find you faithful to your ancient plan
+  Of disagreeing with the average man,
+  And all because you think yourself undone
+  Unless in a minority of one.
+
+  Vain to the core, thus in the nation's need
+  You carp and cavil while your brothers bleed,
+  And while on England vitriol you bestow
+  You offer balsam to her deadliest foe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a commercial traveller's letter to his chief:--
+
+    "DEAR SIR,--On Wednesday next I want you to allow me the day
+    off. My wife having lost her mother is being buried on that
+    date and I should like to attend the funeral."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a child's essay on CROMWELL:--
+
+    "In his last years, Cromwell grew very much afraid of plots,
+    and it is said that he even wore underclothes to protect
+    himself."
+
+We wonder if the KAISER knows of this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CARRYING ON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Worst Character in the village (who has repeatedly
+been pressed by the inhabitants to enlist)_. "I DUNNA BELIEVE THERE AIN'T
+NO WAR. I BELIEVE IT'S JUST A PLOT TO GET ME OUT OF THE VILLAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AWAKENING.
+
+  "Here no howitzers speak in stern styles,
+    Light and gay is the leathern bomb,
+  We pay our sixpences down at the turnstiles,
+    And that is our centre, name of Tom;
+          Wild thunder rolls
+          When he scores his goals,
+  And up in the air go Alf and Ern's tiles;
+    But what is this rumour of war? Whence cometh it from?"
+
+  So said Bottlesham, best of cities
+    Watching the ball from seats above.
+  "Belgium ruined? A thousand pities!
+    Bother the KAISER'S mailed glove!"
+          But it left no stings
+          When they heard these things,
+  Though they wept as the brown bird weeps for Itys
+    On the day that the Wanderers whacked them two to love.
+
+  Suddenly then the news came flying,
+    "English mariners meet the Dutch,
+  Tars interned, with the neutrals vieing,
+    Beaten at Groeningen." Wild hands clutch
+          At the evening sheets
+          And the swift pulse beats;
+  Is the fame of HAWKE and FROBISHER dying?
+    The heart of the town is stirred by the NELSON touch.
+
+  Six--five. It's true. And the tears bedizen
+    The smoke-stained cheeks, and there comes a scream,
+  "If our English lads in a far-off prison
+    Are matched one day with a German team
+          And the Germans win,
+          They will say in Berlin
+  That a brighter than all our stars has risen;
+    Will even the Bottlesham Rovers stand supreme?
+
+  "Infantry, cavalry, guard and lancer--
+    Who on that day will bear the brunt,
+  With twinkling feet like a tip-toe dancer
+    Dribbling about while the half-backs grunt?
+          There is only one
+          Who can vanquish the Hun!"
+  And Bottlesham town with a cry made answer,
+    "There is only one; we must send our Tom to the front."
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RIVAL OF "TIPPERARY."
+
+While much has been written of the songs that inspire our own brave
+troops on the march, little is heard of those affected by our Allies.
+
+Happily _Mr. Punch's_ Special Eye-witness with General Headquarters in
+the Eastern Area has been enabled to send us the words of a song
+which, set to an old Slav air, is rendered with immense _elan_ by the
+gallant Russians as they go into battle. It is as follows:--
+
+  It's a hard nut is Cracow,
+    It's a hard nut to crack,
+  But it's not so hard to crack, oh!
+    When once you've got the knack.
+  Good-bye, Przemysl;
+    Farewell, Lemberg (Lwow);
+  It's a hard, hard nut to crack is Cracow,
+    But we'll soon crack it now.
+
+By the more cultured Russian regiments, _i.e._, those recruited in the
+neighbourhood of the German frontier, the last line is rendered:--
+
+  But we'll crack it right off,
+
+to rhyme with Lvoff--the correct pronunciation of Lwow, according to a
+contemporary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+KING HENRY IV., PART I.
+
+I commend Sir HERBERT TREE'S obvious desire to do his duty as an
+actor-manager and a patriot. His true intent is all for our good; and
+he supports his choice of a play in which _Falstaff_ is the central
+obsession by a printed quotation from the words of "That Wise Ruler
+Queen Elizabeth of England," where she says: "'Tis simple mirth
+keepeth high courage alive." But yet he does not convince me that he
+has chosen wisely here. For in the first place we are not closely
+interested in civil war, as we came near to being in the dim Ulster
+period; and patriotism, which it is his object to encourage, is like
+to remain unaffected by a play in which our sympathies are fairly
+distributed between rebel and royalist. In the second place I cannot
+believe that the glorification of drunkenness and braggadocio in the
+person of _Falstaff_ can directly assist the cause (which at this
+moment needs all the help it can get) of sobriety and self-respect.
+
+[Illustration: _The King_ (Mr. BASIL GILL) reclaims young _Harry_ (Mr.
+OWEN NARES) from old _Harry_ (the Devil).]
+
+Having made this protest I have little but praise for the performance
+itself, though I think Sir HERBERT TREE'S own lethargy was not wholly
+to be excused by the hampering rotundity of his girth; and that all
+this deliberate sword-play, where you wait till your enemy has got his
+right guard before you arrange a concussion between your weapon and
+his, fails to impose itself as an image of War. But it was no fault of
+the actors if we suffered a further loss of actuality by the
+incredible amount of fine poetry and rhetoric thrown off by military
+men at junctures calling for immediate action.
+
+I also venture to make my complaint to the author that the _Falstaff_
+scenes are given too great a dominance, diverting us from the main
+issue so long that at one time we almost lost count of it; and that
+the picture of that fat impostor lying supine in a simulation of death
+within a few feet of the fallen body of the heroic _Hotspur_ was
+repellent to one's sense of the proprieties.
+
+Mr. MATHESON LANG was a brave figure as _Hotspur_; but, after lately
+seeing that other keen actor, Mr. OWEN NARES, in the part of a modern
+intellectual discussing the ethics of War, I could not quite get
+myself to believe in him as _Prince Hal_. He spoke some of his lines
+with a fine ardour, but he was too high-browed and slight of body, and
+it was unthinkable that he could ever have persuaded _Hotspur_ to die
+at his hands.
+
+Sir HERBERT TREE affected an almost proprietary interest in the
+bibulous humours of _Falstaff_, presenting them with an easy and
+leisurely restraint; and Mr. BASIL GILL both in form and manner made a
+quite good _King_. The minor parts upheld the standard of His
+Majesty's; and a pleasant rattling of steel and shimmer of mail ran
+through the scenes of active service. Mr. PERCY MACQUOID had seen to
+it that the period was there, and Mr. JOSEPH HARKER had taken good
+care that the jewelry of SHAKSPEARE'S verse should have the right
+setting, though I could easily have mistaken his Gadshill scene for a
+section of the Lake Country.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GRIEVANCE.
+
+Nothing is too good for our fighting men. Let my subscription to that
+axiom be complete; and yet----
+
+Well, it is like this. A man who is only a year or so too old for
+active service, but feels as fit and keen as a boy, has so many
+opportunities for regretting his enforced civilism and absence from
+the arena that it is hard when additional ones are thrust upon him.
+
+He may do his best at home. He may guard gasworks, or organise funds,
+or campaign as an enlister, or visit the hospitals; but all the time
+he is conscious that being here is so different from being there. It
+galls him day and night, and the only thing that can help him at all
+is the society of lovely women, and now he has lost that!
+
+I hate to grumble, and I have, I believe, shouldered my share of the
+new taxes like a man, but I am not made of such stern stuff as to be
+superior to all human aid, and in my own case the mortification of
+non-combating, which now and then becomes depressingly acute, is to be
+alleviated only in this way. Nice women must do their part.
+
+But do they? No. They did at first, but no longer.
+
+Let me tell you. The other evening I found myself one of the
+complacent hosts of a party of merry chattering young women, who
+seemed to be quite satisfied with our attention. All of us were just
+beginning to be very jolly, and I had actually forgotten my hard
+destiny of inactivity, when who should come into the room but an
+officer on crutches, who happened to be an acquaintance of each of our
+guests but was unknown both to me and my other just too elderly male
+friends. In an instant we were alone, and alone we remained for
+certainly half an hour, while every attention was being paid by our
+guests to that other. When at last they tore themselves away and
+returned, their conversation was wholly confined to their wounded
+friend's adventures, and we need not have been there at all, except to
+pay the bill.
+
+Now it is no fun to me to deceive anyone but myself, and hence I shall
+not go about with my arm in a sling and win sympathy and attention to
+which I am not entitled; but I do appeal to all the young women to
+have a little pity on some of us compulsory stay-at-homes. Nothing is
+too good for our fighting men. I repeat it. But just a tiny spark of
+animation might be retained in the feminine eye when it alights upon
+an old friend who is debarred from taking arms. Just a spark,
+otherwise we shall go into a melancholy decline.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Smart Work.
+
+    "Owner gone to the front, friend offers his Wolseley ... L165,
+    an extraordinary opportunity."--_Advt. in "Autocar."_
+
+If we were not confident that we should be wrong in putting upon these
+words the sinister interpretation which they invite, we shouldn't envy
+the advertiser when the owner returns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From verses in _Punch_, October 21st:--
+
+  "We have made progress near to Berry au Bac,
+  And on our right wing there is nothing new."
+
+From the French official report, November 12th:--
+
+    "We have also made some progress around Berry au Bac."
+
+And on the right wing there was nothing new.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR.
+
+PUBLIC SPEAKERS ATTEND A CLASS FOR THE PURPOSE OF LEARNING TO PRONOUNCE
+CORRECTLY THE PHRASE: "WE SHALL NOT SHEATHE THE SWORD UNTIL, ETC., ETC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAN.
+
+  Fan, the hunt terrier, runs with the pack,
+  A little white bitch with a patch on her back;
+  She runs with the pack as her ancestors ran--
+  We're an old-fashioned lot here and breed 'em like Fan;
+        Round of skull, harsh of coat, game and little and low,
+        The same as we bred sixty seasons ago.
+
+  So she's harder than nails, and she's nothing to learn
+  From her scarred little snout to her cropped little stern,
+  And she hops along gaily, in spite of her size,
+  With twenty-four couples of big badger-pyes:
+        'Tis slow, but 'tis sure is the old white and grey,
+        And 'twill sing to a fox for a whole winter day.
+
+  Last year at Rook's Rough, just as Ben put 'em in,
+  'Twas Fan found the rogue who was curled in the whin;
+  She pounced at his brush with a drive and a snap,
+  "_Yip-Yap_, boys," she told 'em, "I've found him, _Yip-Yap_;"
+        And they put down their noses and sung to his line
+        Away down the valley most tuneful and fine.
+
+  'Twas a point of ten miles and a kill in the dark
+  That scared the cock pheasants in Fallowfield Park,
+  And into the worry flew Fan like a shot
+  And snatched the tit-bit that old Rummage had got;
+        _Eloop_, little Fan with the patch on her back,
+        She broke up the fox with the best of the pack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE CHILDREN.
+
+    [_The Hospital for Sick Children in Great Ormond Street, where
+    many Belgian children are now being cared for, is in very
+    urgent need of funds to enable it to maintain its beneficent
+    work. The Treasurer will gladly receive and acknowledge any
+    subscriptions that may be sent._]
+
+  O generous hearts that freely give,
+    Nor heed the lessening of your store,
+  So but our well-loved land may live,
+    Much have you given--give once more!
+
+  For little children spent with toil,
+    For little children worn with pain,
+  I ask a gift of healing oil--
+    Say, shall I ask for it in vain?
+
+  For, since our days are filled with woe,
+    And all the paths are dark and chill,
+  This thought may cheer us as we go,
+    And bring us light and comfort still;
+
+  This, this may stay our faltering feet,
+    And this our mournful minds beguile:--
+  We helped some little heart to beat
+    And taught some little face to smile.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MONITORS AT WORK OFF KNOCKE," says _The Daily Mail_, and by way of
+reply the Germans knocked off work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PATRIOT.
+
+This is a true story. Unless you promise to believe me, it is not much
+good my going on.... You promise? Very well.
+
+Years ago I bought a pianola. I went into the shop to buy a gramophone
+record, and I came out with a pianola--so golden-tongued was the
+manager. You would think that one could then retire into private life
+for a little, but it is only the beginning. There is the music-stool
+to be purchased, the library subscription, the tuner's fee (four
+visits a year, if you please), the cabinet for the rolls, the man to
+oil the pedals, the----however, one gets out of the shop at last. Nor
+do I regret my venture. It is common talk that my pianola was the
+chief thing about me which attracted Celia. "I _must_ marry a man with
+a pianola," she said ... and there was I ... and here, in fact, we
+are. My blessings, then, on the golden tongue of the manager.
+
+Now there is something very charming in a proper modesty about
+one's attainments, but it is necessary that the attainments should
+be generally recognized first. It was admirable in STEPHENSON to
+have said (as I am sure he did), when they congratulated him on
+his first steam-engine, "Tut-tut, it's nothing;" but he could
+only say this so long as the others were in a position to offer
+the congratulations. In order to place you in that position I
+must let you know how extraordinarily well I played the pianola.
+I brought to my interpretation of different Ops an _elan_, a
+_verve_, a _je ne sais quoi_--and several other French words--which
+were the astonishment of all who listened to me. But chiefly I
+was famous for my playing of one piece: "The Charge of the Uhlans,"
+by KARL BOHM. Others may have seen Venice by moonlight, or heard
+the Vicar's daughter recite _Little Jim_, but the favoured few
+who have been present when BOHM and I were collaborating are the
+ones who have really lived. Indeed, even the coldest professional
+critic would have spoken of it as "a noteworthy rendition."
+
+"The Charge of the Uhlans." If you came to see me, you had to hear it.
+As arranged for the pianola, it was marked to be played throughout at
+a lightning pace and with the loudest pedal on. So one would play it
+if one wished to annoy the man in the flat below; but a true musician
+has, I take it, a higher aim. I disregarded the "FF.'s" and the other
+sign-posts on the way, and gave it my own interpretation. As played by
+me, "The Charge of the Uhlans" became a whole battle scene. Indeed, it
+was necessary, before I began, that I should turn to my audience and
+describe the scene to them--in the manner, but not in the words, of a
+Queen's Hall programme:--
+
+"Er--first of all you hear the cavalry galloping past, and then
+there's a short hymn before action while they form up, and then comes
+the charge, and then there's a slow bit while they--er--pick up the
+wounded, and then they trot slowly back again. And if you listen
+carefully to the last bit you'll actually hear the horses limping."
+
+Something like that I would say; and it might happen that an
+insufferable guest (who never got asked again) would object that the
+hymn part was unusual in real warfare.
+
+"They sang it in this piece anyhow," I would say stiffly, and turn my
+back on him and begin.
+
+But the war put a stop to music as to many other things. For three
+months the pianola has not been played by either of us. There are two
+reasons for this: first, that we simply haven't the time now; and
+secondly, that we are getting all the music we want from the flat
+below. The flat below is learning "Tipperary" on one finger. He gets
+as far as the farewell to Leicester Square, and then he breaks down;
+the parting is too much for him.
+
+I was not, then, surprised at the beginning of this month to find
+Celia looking darkly at the pianola.
+
+"It's very ugly," she began.
+
+"We can't help our looks," I said in my grandmother's voice.
+
+"A bookcase would be much prettier there."
+
+"But not so tuneful."
+
+"A pianola isn't tuneful if you never play it."
+
+"True," I said.
+
+Celia then became very alluring, and suggested that I might find
+somebody who would like to be lent a delightful pianola for a year or
+so by somebody whose delightful wife had her eye on a delightful
+bookcase.
+
+"I might," I said.
+
+"Somebody," said Celia, "who isn't supplied with music from below."
+
+I found John. He was quite pleased about it, and promised to return
+the pianola when the war was over.
+
+So on Wednesday it went. I was not sorry, because in its silence it
+was far from beautiful, and we wanted another bookcase badly. But on
+Tuesday evening--its last hours with us--I had to confess to a certain
+melancholy. It is sad to part with an old and well-tried friend,
+particularly when that friend is almost entirely responsible for your
+marriage. I looked at the pianola and then I said to Celia, "I must
+play it once again."
+
+"Please," said Celia.
+
+"The old masterpiece, I suppose?" I said, as I got it out.
+
+"Do you think you ought to--now? I don't think I want to hear a charge
+of the Uhlans--beasts; I want a charge of our own men."
+
+"Art," I said grandly, "knows no frontiers." I suppose this has been
+said by several people several times already, but for the moment both
+Celia and I thought it was rather clever.
+
+So I placed the roll in the pianola, sat down and began to play....
+
+Ah, the dear old tune....
+
+Dash it all!
+
+"What's happened?" said Celia, breaking a silence which had become
+alarming.
+
+"I must have put it in wrong," I said.
+
+I wound the roll off, put it in again, and tried a second time,
+pedalling vigorously.
+
+Dead silence....
+
+Hush! A note ... another silence ... and then another note....
+
+I pedalled through to the end. About five notes sounded.
+
+"Celia," I said, "this is wonderful."
+
+It really was wonderful. For the first time in its life my pianola
+refused to play "The Charge of the Uhlans." It had played it a hundred
+times while we were at peace with Germany, but when we were at
+war--no!
+
+We had to have a farewell piece. I put in a waltz, and it played it
+perfectly. Then we said good-bye to our pianola, feeling a reverence
+for it which we had never felt before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You don't believe this? Yet you promised you would ... and I still
+assure you that it is true. But I admit that the truth is sometimes
+hard to believe, and the first six persons to whom I told the story
+assured me frankly that I was a liar. If one is to be called a liar,
+one may as well make an effort to deserve the name. I made an effort,
+therefore, with the seventh person.
+
+"I put in 'The Charge of the Uhlans,'" I said, "and it played 'God
+Save the King.'"
+
+Unfortunately he was a very patriotic man indeed, and he believed it.
+So that is how the story is now going about. But you who read this
+know the real truth of the matter.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Things worth waiting for.
+
+    "Other pictures are announced, among them 'Trilby,' with Sir
+    H. Beerbohm Tree in the title-role."--_Blackheath Local
+    Guide_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUTH ABOUT ----.
+
+FACSIMILE SKETCHES BY OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT AT ----.
+
+[Illustration: FOR THREE DAYS ---- LAY WOUNDED.]
+
+[Illustration: WAS PICKED UP BY ---- AND PLACED IN PASSING WAGON.]
+
+[Illustration: DISCOVERED THEREIN A QUANTITY OF HIDDEN ----.]
+
+[Illustration: THE EXPRESSION ON THE DRIVER'S FACE TOLD HIM ----.]
+
+[Illustration: AFTER A DESPERATE STRUGGLE HE OVERCAME THE DRIVER AND
+DROVE WAGON TO ----.]
+
+[Illustration: He found the village damaged. The above sketch gives the
+exact positions of ---- and ----. To the right of the ---- can be seen
+the ruins of the ----.]
+
+[Illustration: IGNORING THE ----'S FIRE HE RAN FOR SEVERAL MILES;]
+
+[Illustration: AND CAME FACE TO FACE WITH ---- WHO SAID ---- ----.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To the Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Roberts of Kandahar and Pretoria.
+
+BORN, 1832.    DIED, ON SERVICE AT THE FRONT, NOV. 14TH, 1914.
+
+  He died, as soldiers die, amid the strife,
+    Mindful of England in his latest prayer;
+  God, of His love, would have so fair a life
+          Crowned with a death as fair.
+
+  He might not lead the battle as of old,
+    But, as of old, among his own he went,
+  Breathing a faith that never once grew cold,
+          A courage still unspent.
+
+  So was his end; and, in that hour, across
+    The face of War a wind of silence blew,
+  And bitterest foes paid tribute to the loss
+          Of a great heart and true.
+
+  But we who loved him, what have we to lay
+    For sign of worship on his warrior-bier?
+  What homage, could his lips but speak to-day,
+          Would he have held most dear?
+
+  Not grief, as for a life untimely reft;
+    Not vain regret for counsel given in vain;
+  Not pride of that high record he has left,
+          Peerless and pure of stain;
+
+  But service of our lives to keep her free,
+    The land he served; a pledge above his grave
+  To give her even such a gift as he,
+          The soul of loyalty, gave.
+
+  That oath we plight, as now the trumpets swell
+    His requiem, and the men-at-arms stand mute,
+  And through the mist the guns he loved so well
+          Thunder a last salute!
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY.
+
+  THIS WAS THE HAPPY WARRIOR. THIS WAS HE
+  THAT EVERY MAN IN ARMS SHOULD WISH TO BE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. SPENLOW ASQUITH EXPLAINS TO MASTER WALTER LONG THAT
+"STATE OF THINGS COMPLAINED OF IS ENTIRELY DUE TO MONSIEUR JORKINS
+POINCARE."]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, 16th November._--"Let us think imperially,"
+said DON JOSE in a famous phrase. Just now we are thinking in
+millions. Suppose it's somewhere about the same thing. Anyhow PREMIER
+to-day announced with pardonable pride that we are spending a trifle
+under a million a day in the war forced upon mankind by the Man
+Forsworn. To meet necessities of case he asked for further Vote of
+Credit for 225 millions and an addition of a million men to Regular
+Army.
+
+[Illustration: WEDGWOOD BENN S'EN VA-T-EN GUERRE.]
+
+Here was a chance for a great speech. Never before had English
+Minister submitted such stupendous propositions. Some of us remember
+how, thirty-six years ago, DIZZY, by way of threat to Russia, then at
+war with Turkey, created profound sensation in town and country by
+asking for Vote of Credit for six millions. At close of Boer War
+HICKS-BEACH, then Chancellor of Exchequer, launched a War Loan of 30
+millions. 'Twas thought at the time that we were going it, taking a
+long stride towards national Bankruptcy Court. Now it is 225 millions
+in supplement of a hundred millions voted in August. Moreover, the two
+together do not carry us further than end of financial year, 31st of
+March. Then we shall begin again with another trifle of same
+dimensions or probably increased.
+
+How Mr. G., had he still been with us, would have revelled in
+opportunity for delivering an oration planned to scale! How his
+eloquence would have glowed over these fantastic figures! HERBERT
+HENRY ASQUITH (had he been consulted at the font, he would certainly
+have objected to useless waste of time involved in a second baptismal
+name) spoke for less than quarter of an hour, submitting proposals in
+baldest, most business-like fashion. He wanted the men and he wanted
+the money too. Fewer words spoken the sooner he would get them. So,
+avoiding tropes and flights of eloquence, he just stood at Table, a
+sort of humanized ledger, briefly set forth items of his account,
+totalled them up and sat down.
+
+WALTER LONG, following, voiced general dislike for prohibition that
+keeps War Correspondents out of fighting line in Flanders. Deprecated
+risk of circulating information useful to the enemy, but insisted,
+amid cheers from both sides, that there might be published letters
+from the front free from such danger "that would bring comfort and
+solace to the people and would do more to attract recruits than bands
+and flag-parading throughout the country."
+
+Speaking later in reply, Mr. Spenlow ASQUITH, while sympathising with
+WALTER LONG'S desire, explained that state of things complained of is
+entirely due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincare.
+
+"We are not free agents in this matter," he said. "We must regulate
+our proceedings by the proceedings of our Allies."
+
+_Business done._--Vote of Credit for 225 million and authority to
+raise another million men for Army agreed to without dissent.
+
+_Tuesday._--Lords and Commons united in paying tribute to the life,
+lamenting the death, of Lord ROBERTS--"BOBS," beloved of the Army,
+revered in India, mourned throughout the wide range of Empire. Even in
+Germany, where hatred of all that is English has become a monomania,
+exception is made in his favour. "There are moments," writes a
+sportsman in the German Press, "when the warrior salutes the enemy
+with his sword instead of striking with it. Such a moment came with
+the death of Lord Roberts."
+
+Speeches in both Houses worthy of the occasion. Brief, simple, genuine
+in emotion, they were well attuned to the theme. One of the happiest
+things said was uttered by BONAR LAW: "In his simplicity, in his
+modesty, in his high-minded uprightness, and in his stern detestation
+of everything mean and base, Lord ROBERTS was in real life all, and
+more than all, that _Colonel Newcome_ was in fiction."
+
+PREMIER proposed that on Monday House shall authorise erection of
+monument at the public charge to the memory of the Great Soldier. When
+motion formally put from Chair heads were bared in farewell salute of
+the warrior taking his rest.
+
+Not the least touching note of eloquence was supplied during
+proceedings in House of Lords. It was the empty seat at the corner of
+the Front Cross Bench where on rare occasions stood the lithe erect
+figure, in stature not quite so high as NAPOLEON, modestly offering
+words of counsel.
+
+_Business done._--CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, presenting himself to
+favourable consideration of crowded House in homely character of
+coalheaver filling bunkers of a battleship, introduced second Budget
+of the year. Upon consideration House comes to conclusion that one is
+quite enough, thank you. Proposals in Supplementary Budget are what
+_Dominic Sampson_ might, with more than customary appropriateness and
+emphasis, describe as "Prodigious!" Faced by deficiency of something
+over three-hundred-and-thirty-nine-and-a-half millions, CHANCELLOR
+launches War Loan of two hundred and thirty millions and levies
+additional fifteen-and-a-half millions in taxation.
+
+_Items:_ Income Tax doubled; threepence a pound added to tea; a
+halfpenny clapped on price of every modest half-pint of beer
+consumed.
+
+_Wednesday._--Monotony of truce in respect of Party politics varied by
+wholesome heartening game. It consists of hunting down the German
+spies and chivying the HOME SECRETARY. Played in both Houses to-night.
+In the Lords HALSBURY attempted to make Lord CHANCELLOR'S flesh creep
+by disclosure of existence of "ingenious system of correspondence"
+carried on between alien spies and their paymaster in Berlin. HALDANE
+replied that the matter had been closely investigated; turned out
+there was "nothing in it." CRAWFORD fared no better. Imperturbable
+LORD CHANCELLOR assured House that the military and civil authorities
+in Scotland were cognisant of rumours reported by noble Lord. Every
+case that seemed to warrant investigation had been looked into. Was
+found that many were based on hearsay. Impossible to find evidence to
+establish charges made.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "IN HOMELY CHARACTER OF
+COALHEAVER FILLING BUNKERS OF A BATTLESHIP."]
+
+Nevertheless, LONDONDERRY, having dispassionately thought the matter
+over, came to conclusion that conduct of HOME SECRETARY was
+"contemptible."
+
+This opinion, phrased in differing form, shared on Opposition Benches
+in Commons. PREMIER explained that business of dealing with aliens is
+not concentrated in Home Office; is shared with the War Office and the
+Admiralty. Of late, on suggestion of Committee of Imperial Defence,
+there has been established at War Office an Intelligence Department in
+correspondence with the Admiralty and assured of assistance of the
+Home Office wherever necessary.
+
+That all very well. Hon. Members and noble Lords in Opposition not to
+be disturbed in their honest conviction that MCKENNA is at the bottom
+of the bad business.
+
+_Business done._--On suggestion of BONAR LAW and on motion of PREMIER
+Select Committee appointed to consider scheme of pensions and grants
+for men wounded in the war, and for the widows and orphans of those
+who have lost their lives.
+
+_Friday._--Like MARLBROOK, WEDGWOOD BENN _s'en va-t-en guerre_. Has
+sallied out with a troop of Middlesex Hussars to "join our army in
+Flanders," where, according to contemporary testimony, once upon a
+time it "swore terribly." His Parliamentary services, supplemented by
+the Chairmanship of Committee controlling disposition of National
+Relief Fund, might seem sufficient to keep him at home. But valour,
+like murder, will out. So, as old _John Willett_, landlord of the
+Maypole Inn, Chigwell, used to say when asked of the whereabouts of
+his son, "he has gone to the Salwanners, where the war is," carrying
+with him the good wishes of all sections of House and an exceptionally
+full knowledge of the intricacies of the Insurance Act.
+
+Many gaps on Benches on both sides. SARK tells me there are
+seven-score Members on active service at the Front. One of the first
+to go was SEELY, at brief interval stepping from position of Head of
+British Army to that of a unit in its ranks.
+
+News of him came the other day from Private JAMES WHITE, of the
+Inniskilling Fusiliers, now in hospital at Belfast. Wounded by
+fragments of a shell, WHITE lay for an hour where he fell. Then he
+felt a friendly hand on his shoulder and a cheery voice asked how he
+was getting on.
+
+It was Colonel SEELY bending over him, regardless of heavy shell fire
+directed on the spot by German batteries. He gave the wounded Fusilier
+a cigarette, helped him to get up and assisted him to his motor-car,
+in which he had all day been engaged in conveying wounded to French
+hospital in the rear.
+
+"He is the bravest man I ever met," said Private JAMES WHITE. "He was
+as cool as the morning under fire, cheering us all up with smiles and
+little jokes."
+
+_Business done:_--Report of Supply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE.
+
+"ULLO, YOU FELLERS! WOT YER COME DOWN FOR? MORE PETROL?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RECRUITING BALLAD.
+
+    [Recruiting in country districts is languishing because the
+    folk hear nothing of their regiments, and local attachment is
+    very strong. Unfortunately this ballad had to be founded on
+    material supplied by the C----r. However, the permitted
+    references to Germans ought at any rate to convince the public
+    that the ballad has no connection whatever with the late Boer
+    War.]
+
+  This is the tale of the Blankshires bold, the famous charge they
+          made;
+  This is the tale of the deeds they did whose glory never will fade;
+  They only numbered _X_ hundred men and the German were thousands
+          (_Y_),
+  Yet on the battlefield of _Z_ they made the foeman fly.
+
+  Calm and cool on the field they stood (near a town--I can't say
+          where);
+  Some of them hugged their rifles close but none of them turned a
+          hair;
+  The Colonel (I must suppress his name) looked out on the stubborn
+          foe,
+  And said, "My lads, we must drive them hence, else _A_ + _B_ will
+          go."
+
+  Then each man looked in his neighbour's face and laughed with sudden
+          glee
+  (The Briton fights his very best for algebra's formulae);
+  The hostile guns barked loud and sharp (their number I cannot
+          give),
+  And no one deemed the Blankety Blanks could face that fire and
+          live.
+
+  For Colonel O. was struck by a shell and wounded was Major Q.,
+  And half a hostile army corps came suddenly into view;
+  And hidden guns spat death at them and airmen hovered to kill,
+  But the Blankety Blanks just opened their ranks and charged an
+          (unnamed) hill.
+
+  Half of their number fell on the hill ere they reached the German
+          trench;
+  General J---- cried out: "Tres bon"; "Not half," said Marshal
+          F----;
+  An angry Emperor shook his fist and at his legions raved,
+  And then (the C----r lets me say) the cheery Blankshires shaved.
+
+  Rally, O rally, ye Blankshire men, rally to fill the gaps;
+  Seek victories (all unknown to us), bear (well-suppressed) mishaps;
+  And when you've made a gallant charge and pierced the angry foe
+  Your names won't get to your people at home, but BUCKMASTER will
+          know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.
+
+II.
+
+The truth is that the Belgians in Crashie Howe are enjoying a _succes
+fou_. There is the enterprising Marie, who thinks nothing of going off
+on her own, on the strength of an English vocabulary only a fortnight
+old, overwhelming the stationmaster and boarding an ambulance train
+full of wounded Belgians at the local station to ask for news of her
+brothers. (We were all delighted when an adventurous letter
+miraculously arrived from the Pas de Calais on Saturday and reported
+that both brothers were well and unwounded.) There is Victor, who,
+although only thirteen, is already a _pupille d'armee_ and has a
+uniform quite as good as any fighting man. I can tell you he has put
+our Boy Scouts in the shade. But Victor is afraid the war will be over
+before he is old enough to get at it.
+
+Then, again, there is the small Juliette, who is dark, with a
+comfortable little face constructed almost entirely of dimples, and,
+at the age of eight, has been discovered knitting stockings at a
+prodigious pace while she looked the other way. I am afraid Juliette
+is being held up as an example to other children of the neighbourhood,
+but I think her great popularity may well survive even that. And there
+is Louis, who is a marvel at making bird-cages, and Rosalie, whose
+pride is in the shine of her pots and pans. They are all doing well.
+
+Rosalie, it is true, has had a fearful bout of toothache, so bad that
+she had to retire to bed for a day. When Dr. Anderson, whose French is
+very good, had successfully diagnosed the trouble and told her that
+the only cure was to have the tooth out, she plaintively replied that
+she had thought of that herself, but, alas, it was impossible, for "it
+was too firmly implanted." For my part I sympathised with Rosalie--I
+have often felt like that.
+
+The grandmother rather likes to sit apart, beaming, far from the
+general throng, and it was for that reason that I selected her at the
+very outset to practise on in private. I tried her more than once in
+my sadly broken French; I even went further and tried her in
+rapidly-improvised Flemish. Whenever I felt I was at my best I used to
+go and have a turn at her, and, although she smiled at me like
+anything and was awfully pleased, I never elicited the slightest
+response. Now I know that she is almost stone deaf and hasn't heard a
+word I have said. As I came sadly away after this discovery there
+occurred to my mind the story of him who undertook to train a savage
+in the arts of civilization, only to learn, after some years of
+disappointing, unrequited toil, that his victim was not only a savage
+but also a lunatic. I don't mean that to be disrespectful to
+_Grandmere_--it is only a parallel instance of good work thrown away.
+
+We are learning a good deal that is new about the art of knitting. One
+thing is that the Flemish knitter cannot get on at all comfortably
+unless the needles are long enough to tuck under her arms. I may
+safely say that I never dreamt of that. At first they fumbled about
+unhappily with our miserable little needles, but the ship's
+carpenter--who makes the bird-cages--has found quite an ingenious way
+out. He has mounted all the needles at the end of a sort of stilt or
+leg of cane (like a bayonet), and since this innovation they are
+working at a speed which, even in these days of universal knitting,
+would be pretty hard to beat.
+
+The children are really getting on famously at school. A very touching
+little romance was enacted there one day. Eugene and Pierre, belonging
+to different families, arrived in our midst on different days and did
+not chance to meet each other at first. At school they happened to be
+put, away from their compatriots, in the same room. Eugene is eight
+and Pierre seven. It was, you may well guess, pretty lonely work for a
+small Belgian in a roomful of Scotch boys, but both bore up bravely.
+The subject, as I understand, was simple addition (which knows no
+frontiers and looks the same in any language), and there is no
+whispering or secret conversation in our school, I can tell you. There
+they sat side by side for two hours, each contemplating the other as
+an alien, each smothering pent-up feelings of home-sickness. And then
+suddenly, at a single Flemish word from the schoolmaster, the moment
+of revelation came; it dawned on both of them at once that they were
+not alone, and, rising to their feet, they embraced with tears of
+joy.
+
+"Broeder!" cried Eugene.
+
+"Broeder!" echoed Pierre.
+
+That was nearly a week ago. By now Pierre is beginning to treat Eugene
+in a slightly off-hand manner. He has hardly time for him. He has so
+many Scotch friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During the night a terrific gale raged in Manchester and
+    surrounding districts, hail and sleet being accompanied by a
+    torrential rainfall varied by Pendleton, Eccles, Seedley and
+    other lightning."--_People_.
+
+"Eccles lightning is the best."--(_Advt._).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IMMORTAL LEGEND.
+
+In the House of Commons on November 18, Mr. KING asked the UNDER-SECRETARY
+FOR WAR whether he could state, without injury to the military interests
+of the Allies, whether any Russian troops had been conveyed through Great
+Britain to the Western area of the European War.
+
+Mr. TENNANT'S reply:--"I am uncertain whether it will gratify or
+displease my hon. friend to know that no Russian troops have been
+conveyed through Great Britain to the Western area of the European
+War."
+
+The firm and faithful believers in this beautiful tale are not to be
+put off so easily as that, and there are so many thousands of faces to
+be saved, and such numbers of ear- (if not eye-) witnesses of the
+undying exploit, that we really must see if there is not after all
+some loophole in the official pronouncement. Let us pause for further
+scrutiny and meditations.
+
+Why, of course, here it is. The UNDER-SECRETARY merely states his
+imperfect knowledge of the bias of Mr. KING. He does not know whether
+his questioner is one of the ardent souls who are ready to pass along
+and adorn the latest legend from the Clubs, or a cold-blooded sceptic
+fit only to be a Censor.
+
+No, we are not to be done out of our Russians by any mere UNDER-SECRETARY
+FOR WAR; certainly not one who is capable of such prevarication. And
+anyhow, why should the Germans do all the story-telling?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WILD AND WOOLLY WEST END.
+
+    "A PROTEST.--Is there any reason why the War should be made an
+    excuse for the abandonment of the niceties of life? Dining at
+    a West-End restaurant nowadays one might well imagine oneself
+    in America, from the variety and incongruity of the dress of
+    the male patrons."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+We fear that the protest is only too well justified. Indeed, much more
+might be revealed were it not for the heavy hand of the C----r. Our
+special representative reports:--
+
+To the O.C., _Punch_ Battalion, Bouverie Brigade, Fleet Division,
+E.C., of London Reserves.
+
+  _A City on the river T----s.
+  Nov. the --teenth._
+
+Carrying out your order No. 69A, I made a night reconnaissance in
+force. I have the honour to report that at dinner at a certain hotel
+two hundred yards east by north of railway base C----g X, I counted
+only five boiled shirts. Have reason to suspect that they were
+subsidised by the management, and were worn by Stock Exchange members
+thrown out of employment by the War and endeavouring to supplement
+their private incomes.
+
+The rest of the male costumes were mainly khaki. One man entered
+dining-room with Buffalo Bill hat decorated with maple-leaf and A.M.S.
+(Athabasca Mounted Scalpers), which he deposited on chair next to him.
+The only nut present endeavoured to remove this object. The A.M.S. man
+touched his hip-pocket significantly, and said: "The drinks are on
+you."
+
+At the table next to him was a group of South American magnates in
+tweed suits decorated with large buttons reading: "_No me habla de la
+guerra!_" If the man from Athabasca should start conversation with
+them about the war, it seemed probable that gun-fighting would ensue.
+I therefore enfiladed the position and took cover. However, the
+sergeant-waiter tactfully shifted a palm into screening position
+between the two tables, and thus averted the spreading of the War to
+Latin America.
+
+Similar state of affairs existed in stalls of certain theatre within
+outpost distance of P----y C----s. Ladies were openly knitting socks
+and intimate woollen garments between the Acts. Management seemed
+powerless to restore the conventions of peace-time.
+
+At the C----n Tavern the bar-tender had pasted notice on mirror behind
+him: "This Saloon closes at ten sharp. Gents are kindly requested not
+to start nothing here." The announcement seemed to have been
+effective, for very few bullet-marks were to be noted.
+
+By midnight, L----r S----e and R----t S----t were comparatively clear
+of dagos. This was due to efforts of street-cleaning corps (3rd County
+of L----n Light Hose).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruiting Officer (to brawny pitman who has just passed
+his medical examination)_. "WHAT REGIMENT DO YOU WISH TO JOIN?"
+
+_Pitman_. "I DON'T CARE."
+
+_Officer_. "SURE YOU HAVE NO PREFERENCE?"
+
+_Pitman_. "WELL, PUT ME IN ONE O' THEM THAT SPIKES THE BEGGARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW ANAESTHETIC.
+
+  REMARKABLE DISCOVERY.
+  MEDICAL SCIENCE SUPERSEDED.
+
+A correspondent in whose accuracy we place the highest trust informs
+us of very remarkable results which have been achieved by the adoption
+of a new means of alleviating pain and suffering invented by a lady in
+London. This lady being suddenly taken with lumbago was in great agony
+until she remembered our soldiers at the front, and thought how much
+worse was a wound, and instantly, our correspondent is informed, some
+of her own distress left her. The case has been investigated by
+several eminent inquirers and they are satisfied with her story.
+
+Meanwhile evidence of a similar nature comes from other parts of the
+country, in every case recording a sense of personal well-being,
+though only comparative, and an increased disinclination to complain,
+upon the realisation of what it must be to be a soldier just
+now--whether up to his knees in a flooded trench, or sleeping on the
+wet ground, or lying in agony waiting to be picked up and taken to a
+hospital, or being taken to a hospital over jolting roads, or going
+without meals, or having to boil tea over a candle-flame, or awakening
+from the operation and finding himself maimed for life.
+
+Nor is the lenitive of this little effort of imagination confined to
+bodily ills; for a well-authenticated case reaches us of a notoriously
+mean man of wealth who was not heard to utter a single word of
+grumbling over the new war taxes after realising what the soldier's
+burden was too. Hence _Mr. Punch_ is only too happy to give publicity
+to the discovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Spy Danger.
+
+Extract from a letter written by an East Coast resident:--
+
+    "The authorities are now looking for a grey motor-car, driven
+    by a woman, who is thought to have a wireless apparatus
+    inside."
+
+R.A.M.C. forward, please.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Sentimentalist (who has received socks from
+England)_. "SHE LOVES ME; SHE LOVES ME NOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST BOTTLE.
+
+I had been drilling all the morning, and had spent the whole of the
+afternoon squirming face downwards on the moist turf of Richmond Park
+in an endeavour to advance, as commanded, in extended order. In the
+morning--that is during compressed drill--I had been twice wounded.
+Owing to lack of education a famous novelist had confused his left
+hand with his right, with the result that when we were right-turned he
+had dealt me a terrific blow on the ear with the barrel of his rifle.
+It soon ceased to be an ear, and became of the size and consistency of
+a muffin. My second casualty was brought about by a well-known
+orchestral conductor, who however confidently he could pilot his
+players through the most complicated Symphonic Poem was invariably out
+of his depth whenever, the ranks being turned about, he was required
+to form fours. His manoeuvre that morning had been a wild and
+undisciplined fugue, culminating in an unconventional _stretto_ upon
+an exceedingly dominant pedal-point, that is to say, his heel on my
+toe.
+
+Consequently when I arrived home in the evening, wet, soiled, hungry
+and maimed, I felt that I needed a little artificial invigoration. A
+bright idea occurred to me as I was waiting for the bath to fill.
+
+"Joan," I cried, "don't you think I might open Johann to-night?" Joan,
+who had been trying to decide whether it would not be more advisable
+to have my sweater dyed a permanent shot-green and brown, demurred.
+
+"I thought your anti-German conscience would not permit you to open
+Johann until after the war's over," she called back.
+
+"My anti-German conscience has been severely wounded," I replied. "It
+hasn't sufficient strength to hold out much longer. In a few seconds
+it will surrender unconditionally."
+
+"Be brave," urged Joan. "Just think how proud you will be in days to
+come when you look back to this evening and realise how, in the face
+of the most terrible temptations, you triumphed!"
+
+"That's all very fine," I remarked, "but to-night I feel I need Johann
+medicinally. If I don't have him, there may be _no_ days to come. Do
+be reasonable. Do you suppose that if the KAISER, for instance, were
+bitten by a mad dog--a real one, I mean--that his anti-Ally conscience
+would forbid his adoption of the Pasteur treatment?"
+
+"Then if you really feel the need of a special refresher," said Joan,
+"at least let me send Phoebe out for a bottle of some friendly or
+neutral substitute."
+
+A vivid recollection of Phoebe's being despatched once before in an
+emergency for mustard and returning with custard flashed through my
+mind.
+
+"She's much too unreliable," I cried. "She'd get bay rum, or something
+equally futile. It must be Johann or nothing."
+
+"Then," said Joan, "let us say nothing"--an ambiguity of which I
+determined to take full advantage.
+
+Johann, I must now explain, was the sole survivor of six small bottles
+of the genuine Rhine brand which Joan's uncle (who is in the trade)
+had given her last Christmas. Number Five had been opened on the
+evening of August Bank Holiday after a strenuous day on the tennis
+courts. Later, when hostilities had started all round I had taken a
+terrible oath that nothing of German or Austrian origin should be used
+in our household until Peace broke out. This necessitated the
+sacrifice of at least four inches of breakfast sausage and the better
+part of a box of Carlsbad plums. Johann, being intact, was merely
+interned. But at that time I had not anticipated that some three
+months later I should be exhausted by long and tiring drills and
+manoeuvres.
+
+However, on this night my body cried aloud for Johann's refreshing
+contents. I did not care two pins that he had been manufactured on the
+banks of the Rhine, or that he was the product of alien and hostile
+hands. After all, it wasn't Johann's fault; and besides, surely he had
+been long enough in England to become naturalised. At any rate it was
+both prejudiced and illogical to assume that Johann was my enemy
+solely because he happened to be born in Germany.
+
+The bath took some time to fill. The taps, I think, wanted sweeping.
+But during the time that elapsed I made up my mind. Johann should be
+opened. I slipped on my dressing-gown and went in search of him. When
+I had secured him I met Joan on the landing; she was just going down
+to dinner.
+
+"Haven't you had your bath yet?" she asked. "Hurry up and--oh! you've
+got Johann!"
+
+"Yes," I said. "I have decided that there is no evidence to prove that
+he is not a naturalised British bottle. I am going to open him."
+
+"You renegade!" Joan cried. "If you dare so much as to loosen his cork
+I'll--I'll give you an Iron Cross."
+
+"I'm desperate," I answered. "I would still open Johann even if you
+threatened me with the Iron Cross of both the first and the second
+class."
+
+"Coward!" said Joan. "Still, if you're really determined to open him,
+remember half belongs to me."
+
+A moment later I had poured half the contents of Johann--his full name
+is Johann Maria Farina--into my bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_. "THIS BE A TERRIBLE WAR, DOCTOR."
+
+_He_. "IT IS, INDEED."
+
+_She_. "IT'S A PITY SOMEONE DON'T CATCH THAT THERE OLD KRUGER."
+
+_He_. "AH, YOU MEAN THE KAISER."
+
+_She_. "AW--CHANGED HIS NAME, HAS HE--DECEITFUL OLD VARMINT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman_ (MACMILLAN) that impenitent
+pamphleteer, H. G. WELLS, returns yet again to the intriguing subject
+of marriage, and in a vein something nearer orthodoxy. Not, certainly,
+that worthy stubborn orthodoxy of accepted unquestioned doctrine, or
+that sleeker variety of middle-aged souls that were once young, now
+too tired or bored to go on asking questions, but an orthodoxy rather
+that is honest enough to revise on the evidence earlier judgments as
+too cocksure and hasty. _Sir Isaac Harman_ was a tea-shop magnate, and
+a very pestilent and primitive cad who caught his wife young and poor
+and battered her into reluctant surrender by a stormy wooing, whose
+very sincerity and abandonment were but a frantic expression of his
+dominating egotism and acquisitiveness. Wooing and winning, thinks
+this simple ignoble knight, is a thing done once and for all. Remains
+merely obedience in very plain and absolute terms on the part of lady
+to lord, obedience which, in the last resort, can be exacted by
+withholding supplies--not so uncommon a form of blackmail as it suits
+the dominant sex to imagine. _Lady Harman's_ emancipation does not
+take the conventionally unconventional form, for some deeper reason, I
+think, than that her sententious friend and would-be lover, _George
+Brumley_, could not altogether escape her gentle contempt; indeed, she
+recognises _Sir Isaac's_ claims upon her for duty and gratitude in a
+way which modern high-spirited priestesses of progress would scarcely
+approve. She fights merely for a limit to the proprietorship, for the
+right to a separate individuality, the right to be useful in a wider
+sphere (a phrase that stands for so much that is good and less good).
+Mr. WELLS has realised this gracious, shy and beautiful personality
+with a fine skill. It is no mean feat. He might so easily have made a
+dear mild ghost. And oh! if ladies of influence who regiment their
+inferiors in orderly philanthropic schemes had some of the wisdom and
+tolerance of _Lady Harman_ in her dealings with the tea-shop girls.
+You see one instinctively pays Mr. WELLS the serious compliment of
+assuming that he has something material to say about the things which
+matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As a demonstration of the irony of history, I can hardly imagine a
+better subject for romance at the present moment than the fortunes of
+WILLIAM OF ORANGE, and if Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S _Prince and Heretic_
+(METHUEN) shows some traces of having been rather hastily finished it
+is easy to pardon this defect. The alchemist's assistant, part seer
+and part quack, whom she introduces into the earlier part of the story
+foretells the violent deaths of the young princes of the house of
+Nassau and the ravaging and looting of the Netherlands by ALVA,
+Defender of the Catholic Faith and servant of the House of Hapsburg;
+but he cannot conjure up out of his crystal the sight of a Catholic
+Belgium suffering these things, three hundred and fifty years later,
+at the hands of a Lutheran King allied with a Hapsburg and fighting
+for the sake of no cause but his own vanity. Most of the action takes
+place in Brussels--a Brussels placarded with squibs against CARDINAL
+GRANVILLE; and the final retreat of WILLIAM, ruined in everything
+except his spirit, to join the army of the PRINCE DE CONDE, has a
+pathetic significance to-day that not many historical romances can
+claim. Miss MARJORIE BOWEN has a remarkable gift for the presentation
+of a number of lifelike portraits against a vivid and gorgeous
+background, and the successive pictures of the Dutch and Flemish
+Schools which she creates in _Prince and Heretic_, make it, if not
+quite so successful as _I Will Maintain_, at least a book which no
+lover of the Lowlands can afford to miss.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Our Sentimental Garden_ (HEINEMANN) is one of the very pleasantest
+garden-books I have encountered. One reason for this is that it is
+about such a lot of other things besides gardens. Volumes that are
+exclusively devoted to what I might call horticultural hortation are
+apt to become oppressive. But AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE are persons far
+too sympathetic not to avoid this danger. Instead of lecturing, they
+talk with an engaging discursiveness that lures you from page to page,
+as it might from bed to border, were you an actual visitor in the
+exquisite Surrey garden that is their ostensible subject. One thing
+with them leads to another. "Lilacs," they say. "Ah, lilacs--" and
+immediately one of them is started upon a whole series of rambling, DU
+MAURIERISH recollections of school-days in Second Empire Paris.
+Kittens and Pekinese puppies, village types, politics (just a little)
+and Roman villas--all these are the themes of their happy talk. "The
+Garden Garrulous" they might have called the book; and I for one have
+found it infinitely charming. Not that shrewd hints upon the choice of
+roses, the marshalling of bulbs, and other such aspects of the theme
+proper are wanting. Moreover, what they tell of garden triumphs is at
+once realised for you by a prodigality of drawings scattered among the
+text, some glowing in a full page of colour, others in line alone,
+from the pencil and brush of Mr. CHARLES ROBINSON. Altogether a very
+gentle book, of which one may echo the hope expressed by the writers
+in their graceful preface that "some unquiet heart, labouring under
+the strain of long-drawn suspense," may find in it "a passing
+relaxation, a forgotten smile."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ernest students of military history should be grateful to Mr. EDWARD
+FOORD for the patient labour and perseverance he has spent on the
+compilation of _Napoleon's Russian Campaign of 1812_ (HUTCHINSON). The
+book appears at a most opportune date, for most of us nowadays are
+military critics, and here we can, if we like, compare the Russian
+methods of 1812 with those of 1914. On the other hand, in these
+strenuous days we may not have the time, even if we have the
+inclination, to devote ourselves to campaigns a hundred years old. For
+my own part, while frankly admitting the value of this book, I confess
+that I had sometimes to skip in an endeavour to avoid being bewildered
+by names and numbers. Using this desultory mode of progression I was
+still abundantly informed and profoundly interested. Mr. FOORD is out
+to give facts, however tedious, and I agree with him that it is the
+business of an historian to be accurate before he is entertaining. Yet
+I could have wished that he had been less parsimonious with his human
+appeals, for whenever he unbends he can be at once interesting and
+informing. The struggles of BARCLAY DE TOLLY against jealousy and
+intrigues are vividly told, and nothing could be more graceful than
+the tribute Mr. FOORD pays to the memory of that great soldier,
+General EBLE. It is impossible to read the history of this disastrous
+campaign without being impressed by the terrible penalties of
+overweening arrogance and ambition, and without realising the flaming
+spirit of patriotism that has glorified, and will always glorify, the
+Russians in time of national peril.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _A Morning In My Library_ ("TIMES" BOOK CLUB), Mr. STEPHEN
+COLERIDGE has put together an anthology of English prose which has
+some high advantages to recommend it to popular favour even in what
+the compiler calls "these tumultuous times." It is a small book and
+fits easily into a coat pocket; it is well and clearly printed, and,
+best of all, the selection is admirably made and does credit to Mr.
+COLERIDGE'S taste. Every extract bears the stamp of inspiration, a
+quality difficult to define but unmistakable. RALEIGH'S invocation to
+Death; JOHNSON'S preface to the Dictionary; NAPIER'S description of
+the battle of Albuera; RICHARD SHIEL'S appeal on behalf of his
+fellow-countrymen, and ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S immortal speech at
+Gettysburg--all these are to be found, and many more; and all go to
+show the might, majesty, dominion and power of that great language
+which it is our privilege to speak. I think we shall value that
+privilege a little more highly and shall endeavour to place a more
+careful restraint on our tongues and our pens after we have dipped
+through Mr. COLERIDGE'S little book. He is a judicious guide, and such
+explanations as he adds are always short and never tiresome. Yet it
+must in fairness be added that KING CHARLES'S head, in the shape of an
+anti-vivisection footnote, has once, but only once, crept into the
+"memorial." However the fault is such a little one that those who love
+noble English prose will easily forgive it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady (to wounded Officer)_. "OH, SIR, DO YOU 'APPEN
+TO 'AVE 'EARD IF ANY OF YOUR MEN AT THE FRONT 'AS FOUND A PAIR OF
+SPECTACLES WOT I LEFT IN A 16 'BUS IN THE EDGWARE ROAD?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber Notes
+
+Typographical inconsistencies have been changed and are listed below.
+
+Archaic and variable spelling is preserved.
+
+Editors' punctuation style is preserved.
+
+Passages in italics indicated by _underscores_.
+
+Passages in bold indicated by =equal signs=.
+
+
+Transcriber Changes
+
+The following changes were made to the original text:
+
+  Page 429: Added comma after =University= (In his interesting
+            sketch, in _The Times_, of the PRINCE OF WALES'
+            career at the =University,= the PRESIDENT of Magdalen
+            mentions that His Royal Highness "shot at various
+            country houses round Oxford.")
+
+  Page 429: Removed repeated 'of' (the singing of the soldiers
+            of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges
+            =of= Brus-Rhein.')
+
+  Page 444: Was 'reconnaisance' (Carrying out your order
+            No. 69A, I made a night =reconnaissance= in force.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, November 25, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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