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diff --git a/29454.txt b/29454.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d740e56 --- /dev/null +++ b/29454.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2090 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +November 25, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 25, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 19, 2009 [EBook #29454] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 147. + +November 25, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +ENVER PASHA, in a proclamation to the Turkish troops, says: "The army +will destroy all our enemies with the aid of Allah and the assistance +of the Prophet." It is rumoured that the KAISER is a little bit piqued +about it. + + *** + +We learn from a German paper that, since the brave Ottomans have +discovered that their Culture and that of the Germans are one, many +Englishmen who live in Crescents are crying out in fury for an +alteration of their addresses. + + *** + +According to a Berlin journal, about 2,000 players of orchestral +instruments have been thrown out of employment by the war. It is +suggested that, with a view to providing them with more employment, +reverses as well as victories should be musically celebrated in the +capital. + + *** + +We are glad to see that the names of battles in Belgium show a +tendency to become more cheery. The other day, for instance, we +had the battle of the Yperlee--and we may yet have a battle of +Yip-i-yaddy-i-yay. + + *** + +It is rumoured that a compromise has been arrived at in regard to the +proposal, emanating from America, that the war shall be stopped for +twenty-four hours on Christmas Day. The combatants, it is said, have +agreed to fire plum-puddings instead of cannon-balls. + + *** + +Among the promotions which we do not remember seeing gazetted is that +of KARL GUSTAV ERNST, a German barber-spy. At the Old Bailey, the +other day, Mr. Justice COLERIDGE promoted him to be a Steinhauer or +stone-hacker. + + *** + + "'MIRACLE' PRODUCER KILLED."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +This is unfortunate for the Germans, for if ever they needed a miracle +it is now. + + *** + +"Information that has come into our possession," says _The Grocer_, +"proves _to our satisfaction_ that Germany has been receiving +plentiful supplies of tea from our shores through neutral countries +since the outbreak of hostilities." The italics are ours: the +satisfaction appears to be our contemporary's. + + *** + +A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting department of our army. "Why +go for the single man?" he asks. "We may expect just as much courage +from the married man. He has already proved his pluck." + + *** + + "HOW DE WET ESCAPED. A MISSING LINK IN THE CORDON."--_Observer_. + +The Germans, who have already been calling the Allied forces "The +Menagerie," should appreciate this item. + + *** + +Angry newspaper men are now calling a certain institution the Suppress +Bureau. + + *** + +A solicitor having announced that he is prepared to make the wills of +the men of a certain regiment free of charge, another enterprising +legal gentleman, not to be outdone, would like it to be known that he +is willing to act as residuary legatee without a fee. + + *** + +In his interesting sketch, in _The Times_, of the PRINCE OF WALES' +career at the University, the PRESIDENT of Magdalen mentions that His +Royal Highness "shot at various country houses round Oxford." We hope +that this will not be quoted against the PRINCE by a spiteful German +Press, should any bullet marks be found one day on the walls of some +castle on the Rhine. + + *** + +It came as quite an unpleasant surprise to many persons to learn from +Mr. ASQUITH that the War is costing us a million pounds a day, that +being more than some of us spend in a year. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION. + +_Customer_. "BRING ME SOME SOUP, PLEASE." + +_Waitress (absent-mindedly)_. "YES, SIR; PURL OR PLAIN, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +The End of the Press Bureau. + + "Members of several guilds carried their banners in the + procession which went round the church to the accompaniment of + impressive music and the swinging of censors."--_South Western + Star_. + +If this had got about, there would have been a bigger crowd at the +ceremony. As it was, Fleet Street was taken by surprise, and only had +time to prepare a few fireworks for the evening. + + * * * * * + + "Among other public buildings in a certain town which for many + reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning ... on a + day and date which I need not trouble to repeat...." + +No, this is not from our Special Representative behind the Front; it +is the opening passage of _Oliver Twist_, and shows what a splendid +War Correspondent DICKENS would have made. + + * * * * * + +Teuton Anatomy. + + "The clay feet of Germany will be revealed when we take off + the gloves."--_Mr. ARNOLD WHITE in "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + +So that's where they wear them. + + * * * * * + + "Questioned with reference to a letter written by him to + Steinhauer, in which he said, 'The name of the gentleman in + Woolwich Arsenal is ----,' the prisoner said that was a false + name."--_Times_. + +It's a very silly name anyway. + + * * * * * + + "The announcement issued by the Press Bureau that carrier + pigeons are to be used officially for certain purposes is an + extremely interesting reversion to what we had regarded as + almost premature ways of carrying news."--_Westminster + Gazette_. + +Not so premature as the WOLFF method. + + * * * * * + +More Information for the Enemy. + + "BRITAIN'S SUGAR SUPPLY. + SUFFICIENT FOR EIGHT MOUTHS."--_Aberdeen Evening Gazette_. + +We insist on providing one of them. + + * * * * * + + "Now came the drums and fifes, and now the blare of the brass + instruments, and continuously the singing of the soldiers + of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges of + Brus-Rhein.'"--_Adelaide Advertiser_. + +A good song, but (so it has always struck us) a clumsy title. + + * * * * * + +Extract from Army Routine Orders, Expeditionary Force, Nov. 9th:-- + + "It is notified for information that shooting in the Forest of + Clairmarais and certain portions of the adjacent country is + preserved." + +Clever Germans are now disguising themselves as pheasants. + + * * * * * + +THE PRICE OF PATRIOTISM. + +Helen and I are economising; so the other evening we dined at the +Rococo. + +"That's no economy," you cry; so let me explain. + +In common with most other folk who are not engaged in the manufacture +of khaki, or rifles, or Army woollens, or heavy siege-guns (to which I +had not the foresight to turn my attention before the war came along), +we have found it necessary to adopt a policy of retrenchment and +reform; and one of our first moves in this direction was to convert +Evangeline from a daily into a half-daily. Evangeline is not a +newspaper but a domestic servant, and before the new order was issued +she had been in the habit of arriving at our miniature flat at 7.30 in +the morning (when it wasn't 8.15), and retiring at 9 in the evening. + +Now, however, Evangeline goes after lunch, and Helen, who has bought a +shilling cookery book, prepares the dinner herself. + +On the day in question Helen suddenly decided to spend the afternoon +repairing a week's omissions on the part of Evangeline. It proved a +veritable labour of Hercules, the flat being, as Helen with near +enough accuracy gave me to understand, an "Aegaean stable." Tea-time +came, but brought no tea. Shortly before seven Helen struck, and +declared (this time without any classical metaphor) that she wasn't +going to cook any dinner that evening. Not to be outdone, I affirmed +in reply that even if she did cook it I wasn't going to clear it away. +So we cleaned and adorned ourselves and groped our way to the Rococo. + +We were both too tired to go to the trouble of choosing our dinner, +and it was therefore that we elected to make our way through the +_table-d'hote_, to which we felt that our appetite, unimpaired by tea, +could do full justice. Luxuriously we toyed with _hors-d'oeuvre_, +while the orchestra patriotically intimated that ours is a Land of +Hope and Glory; blissfully we consumed our soup, undeterred by +repeated reminders of the distance to Tipperary. It was with the fish +that the trouble started. + +At the second mouthful it began to dawn upon me that what the band +was playing was the _Brabanconne_. I looked around, and gathered +that I was not alone in the realisation of that fact; for one by one +my fellow-diners struggled hesitatingly to their feet, and stood in +awkward reverence while the National Anthem of our brave Belgian +Allies was in course of execution. I looked at Helen, and Helen +looked at me, and we both tried not to look too regretfully at our +plates as we also adopted the prevailing pose. Not one note of that +light-hearted anthem did the orchestra miss, and when it was over the +warmth in our hearts almost compensated for the coldness of our +fish. We decided to jump at once to the _entree_. + +Whatever else may be said of the _Marseillaise_, there can be no +mistaking its identity. The first bar sufficed to bring the whole room +to attention, and a promising dish of sweetbreads shared the fate of +its predecessor. Before the final crash had ceased to reverberate we +sat down with a thump, resigning ourselves to the prospect of doing +double justice to the joint. But the orchestra was not so lightly +to be cheated of its prey. True, we held out as long as possible +while the Russian Hymn began to unfold its majestic length, and +Helen actually managed to convey a considerable piece of saddle of +mutton to her mouth while she was in the very act of rising. That +joint, however, was soon but a memory of anticipation, and our hunger +was still keen upon us when the funereal strains of the Japanese +Anthem coincided with the arrival of a wild duck. I had always +harboured secret doubts of the advisability of Japan's joining in the +War, and now they were intensified many times. Cold wild duck is an +impossibility even to a hungry man. + +Ice-pudding, though scarcely satisfying, seemed to warrant the +expectation that it would at least survive whatever further ordeal the +band had in store for us. But that hope too was doomed to extinction. +When _God Save the King_ smote the air the growing lethargy of the +company of diners vanished, and all joined with a will in the recital +of all its verses. In the glow of loyal enthusiasm that filled the +room the ice gradually melted, and as we surveyed the fluid mess upon +our plates we knew that our dinner was gone beyond recall. + +Weary and unappeased we crept home through the City of Dreadful Night. +I found a remnant of cold beef and some pickles in the kitchen, and on +this we went to bed. I slept but little, and on five occasions watched +Helen, who has dreams, get out of bed and stand to attention. + +Of course it might have been worse; for the musicians of the Rococo +evidently had not learnt the national airs of Serbia and Montenegro; +and Portugal had not then been drawn into the War. But until the +trouble is over I shall avoid restaurants which harbour an orchestra. +As you say, it is no economy. + + * * * * * + +TO MR. BERNARD JAW. + + Illustrious Jester, who in happier days + Amused us with your Prefaces and Plays, + Acquiring a precarious renown + By turning laws and morals upside down, + Sticking perpetual pins in Mrs. Grundy, + Railing at marriage or the British Sunday, + And lavishing your acid ridicule + On the foundations of imperial rule;-- + 'Twas well enough in normal times to sit + And watch the workings of your wayward wit, + But in these bitter days of storm and stress, + When souls are shown in all their nakedness, + Your devastating egotism stands out + Denuded of the last remaining clout. + You own our cause is just, yet can't refrain + From libelling those who made its justice plain; + You chide the Prussian Junkers, yet proclaim + Our statesmen beat them at their own vile game. + + Thus, bent on getting back at any cost + Into the limelight you have lately lost, + And, high above war's trumpets loudly blown + On land and sea, eager to sound your own, + We find you faithful to your ancient plan + Of disagreeing with the average man, + And all because you think yourself undone + Unless in a minority of one. + + Vain to the core, thus in the nation's need + You carp and cavil while your brothers bleed, + And while on England vitriol you bestow + You offer balsam to her deadliest foe. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a commercial traveller's letter to his chief:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--On Wednesday next I want you to allow me the day + off. My wife having lost her mother is being buried on that + date and I should like to attend the funeral." + + * * * * * + +Extract from a child's essay on CROMWELL:-- + + "In his last years, Cromwell grew very much afraid of plots, + and it is said that he even wore underclothes to protect + himself." + +We wonder if the KAISER knows of this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CARRYING ON.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Worst Character in the village (who has repeatedly +been pressed by the inhabitants to enlist)_. "I DUNNA BELIEVE THERE AIN'T +NO WAR. I BELIEVE IT'S JUST A PLOT TO GET ME OUT OF THE VILLAGE."] + + * * * * * + +THE AWAKENING. + + "Here no howitzers speak in stern styles, + Light and gay is the leathern bomb, + We pay our sixpences down at the turnstiles, + And that is our centre, name of Tom; + Wild thunder rolls + When he scores his goals, + And up in the air go Alf and Ern's tiles; + But what is this rumour of war? Whence cometh it from?" + + So said Bottlesham, best of cities + Watching the ball from seats above. + "Belgium ruined? A thousand pities! + Bother the KAISER'S mailed glove!" + But it left no stings + When they heard these things, + Though they wept as the brown bird weeps for Itys + On the day that the Wanderers whacked them two to love. + + Suddenly then the news came flying, + "English mariners meet the Dutch, + Tars interned, with the neutrals vieing, + Beaten at Groeningen." Wild hands clutch + At the evening sheets + And the swift pulse beats; + Is the fame of HAWKE and FROBISHER dying? + The heart of the town is stirred by the NELSON touch. + + Six--five. It's true. And the tears bedizen + The smoke-stained cheeks, and there comes a scream, + "If our English lads in a far-off prison + Are matched one day with a German team + And the Germans win, + They will say in Berlin + That a brighter than all our stars has risen; + Will even the Bottlesham Rovers stand supreme? + + "Infantry, cavalry, guard and lancer-- + Who on that day will bear the brunt, + With twinkling feet like a tip-toe dancer + Dribbling about while the half-backs grunt? + There is only one + Who can vanquish the Hun!" + And Bottlesham town with a cry made answer, + "There is only one; we must send our Tom to the front." + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +A RIVAL OF "TIPPERARY." + +While much has been written of the songs that inspire our own brave +troops on the march, little is heard of those affected by our Allies. + +Happily _Mr. Punch's_ Special Eye-witness with General Headquarters in +the Eastern Area has been enabled to send us the words of a song +which, set to an old Slav air, is rendered with immense _elan_ by the +gallant Russians as they go into battle. It is as follows:-- + + It's a hard nut is Cracow, + It's a hard nut to crack, + But it's not so hard to crack, oh! + When once you've got the knack. + Good-bye, Przemysl; + Farewell, Lemberg (Lwow); + It's a hard, hard nut to crack is Cracow, + But we'll soon crack it now. + +By the more cultured Russian regiments, _i.e._, those recruited in the +neighbourhood of the German frontier, the last line is rendered:-- + + But we'll crack it right off, + +to rhyme with Lvoff--the correct pronunciation of Lwow, according to a +contemporary. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +KING HENRY IV., PART I. + +I commend Sir HERBERT TREE'S obvious desire to do his duty as an +actor-manager and a patriot. His true intent is all for our good; and +he supports his choice of a play in which _Falstaff_ is the central +obsession by a printed quotation from the words of "That Wise Ruler +Queen Elizabeth of England," where she says: "'Tis simple mirth +keepeth high courage alive." But yet he does not convince me that he +has chosen wisely here. For in the first place we are not closely +interested in civil war, as we came near to being in the dim Ulster +period; and patriotism, which it is his object to encourage, is like +to remain unaffected by a play in which our sympathies are fairly +distributed between rebel and royalist. In the second place I cannot +believe that the glorification of drunkenness and braggadocio in the +person of _Falstaff_ can directly assist the cause (which at this +moment needs all the help it can get) of sobriety and self-respect. + +[Illustration: _The King_ (Mr. BASIL GILL) reclaims young _Harry_ (Mr. +OWEN NARES) from old _Harry_ (the Devil).] + +Having made this protest I have little but praise for the performance +itself, though I think Sir HERBERT TREE'S own lethargy was not wholly +to be excused by the hampering rotundity of his girth; and that all +this deliberate sword-play, where you wait till your enemy has got his +right guard before you arrange a concussion between your weapon and +his, fails to impose itself as an image of War. But it was no fault of +the actors if we suffered a further loss of actuality by the +incredible amount of fine poetry and rhetoric thrown off by military +men at junctures calling for immediate action. + +I also venture to make my complaint to the author that the _Falstaff_ +scenes are given too great a dominance, diverting us from the main +issue so long that at one time we almost lost count of it; and that +the picture of that fat impostor lying supine in a simulation of death +within a few feet of the fallen body of the heroic _Hotspur_ was +repellent to one's sense of the proprieties. + +Mr. MATHESON LANG was a brave figure as _Hotspur_; but, after lately +seeing that other keen actor, Mr. OWEN NARES, in the part of a modern +intellectual discussing the ethics of War, I could not quite get +myself to believe in him as _Prince Hal_. He spoke some of his lines +with a fine ardour, but he was too high-browed and slight of body, and +it was unthinkable that he could ever have persuaded _Hotspur_ to die +at his hands. + +Sir HERBERT TREE affected an almost proprietary interest in the +bibulous humours of _Falstaff_, presenting them with an easy and +leisurely restraint; and Mr. BASIL GILL both in form and manner made a +quite good _King_. The minor parts upheld the standard of His +Majesty's; and a pleasant rattling of steel and shimmer of mail ran +through the scenes of active service. Mr. PERCY MACQUOID had seen to +it that the period was there, and Mr. JOSEPH HARKER had taken good +care that the jewelry of SHAKSPEARE'S verse should have the right +setting, though I could easily have mistaken his Gadshill scene for a +section of the Lake Country. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +A GRIEVANCE. + +Nothing is too good for our fighting men. Let my subscription to that +axiom be complete; and yet---- + +Well, it is like this. A man who is only a year or so too old for +active service, but feels as fit and keen as a boy, has so many +opportunities for regretting his enforced civilism and absence from +the arena that it is hard when additional ones are thrust upon him. + +He may do his best at home. He may guard gasworks, or organise funds, +or campaign as an enlister, or visit the hospitals; but all the time +he is conscious that being here is so different from being there. It +galls him day and night, and the only thing that can help him at all +is the society of lovely women, and now he has lost that! + +I hate to grumble, and I have, I believe, shouldered my share of the +new taxes like a man, but I am not made of such stern stuff as to be +superior to all human aid, and in my own case the mortification of +non-combating, which now and then becomes depressingly acute, is to be +alleviated only in this way. Nice women must do their part. + +But do they? No. They did at first, but no longer. + +Let me tell you. The other evening I found myself one of the +complacent hosts of a party of merry chattering young women, who +seemed to be quite satisfied with our attention. All of us were just +beginning to be very jolly, and I had actually forgotten my hard +destiny of inactivity, when who should come into the room but an +officer on crutches, who happened to be an acquaintance of each of our +guests but was unknown both to me and my other just too elderly male +friends. In an instant we were alone, and alone we remained for +certainly half an hour, while every attention was being paid by our +guests to that other. When at last they tore themselves away and +returned, their conversation was wholly confined to their wounded +friend's adventures, and we need not have been there at all, except to +pay the bill. + +Now it is no fun to me to deceive anyone but myself, and hence I shall +not go about with my arm in a sling and win sympathy and attention to +which I am not entitled; but I do appeal to all the young women to +have a little pity on some of us compulsory stay-at-homes. Nothing is +too good for our fighting men. I repeat it. But just a tiny spark of +animation might be retained in the feminine eye when it alights upon +an old friend who is debarred from taking arms. Just a spark, +otherwise we shall go into a melancholy decline. + + * * * * * + +Smart Work. + + "Owner gone to the front, friend offers his Wolseley ... L165, + an extraordinary opportunity."--_Advt. in "Autocar."_ + +If we were not confident that we should be wrong in putting upon these +words the sinister interpretation which they invite, we shouldn't envy +the advertiser when the owner returns. + + * * * * * + +From verses in _Punch_, October 21st:-- + + "We have made progress near to Berry au Bac, + And on our right wing there is nothing new." + +From the French official report, November 12th:-- + + "We have also made some progress around Berry au Bac." + +And on the right wing there was nothing new. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR. + +PUBLIC SPEAKERS ATTEND A CLASS FOR THE PURPOSE OF LEARNING TO PRONOUNCE +CORRECTLY THE PHRASE: "WE SHALL NOT SHEATHE THE SWORD UNTIL, ETC., ETC."] + + * * * * * + +FAN. + + Fan, the hunt terrier, runs with the pack, + A little white bitch with a patch on her back; + She runs with the pack as her ancestors ran-- + We're an old-fashioned lot here and breed 'em like Fan; + Round of skull, harsh of coat, game and little and low, + The same as we bred sixty seasons ago. + + So she's harder than nails, and she's nothing to learn + From her scarred little snout to her cropped little stern, + And she hops along gaily, in spite of her size, + With twenty-four couples of big badger-pyes: + 'Tis slow, but 'tis sure is the old white and grey, + And 'twill sing to a fox for a whole winter day. + + Last year at Rook's Rough, just as Ben put 'em in, + 'Twas Fan found the rogue who was curled in the whin; + She pounced at his brush with a drive and a snap, + "_Yip-Yap_, boys," she told 'em, "I've found him, _Yip-Yap_;" + And they put down their noses and sung to his line + Away down the valley most tuneful and fine. + + 'Twas a point of ten miles and a kill in the dark + That scared the cock pheasants in Fallowfield Park, + And into the worry flew Fan like a shot + And snatched the tit-bit that old Rummage had got; + _Eloop_, little Fan with the patch on her back, + She broke up the fox with the best of the pack. + + * * * * * + +FOR THE CHILDREN. + + [_The Hospital for Sick Children in Great Ormond Street, where + many Belgian children are now being cared for, is in very + urgent need of funds to enable it to maintain its beneficent + work. The Treasurer will gladly receive and acknowledge any + subscriptions that may be sent._] + + O generous hearts that freely give, + Nor heed the lessening of your store, + So but our well-loved land may live, + Much have you given--give once more! + + For little children spent with toil, + For little children worn with pain, + I ask a gift of healing oil-- + Say, shall I ask for it in vain? + + For, since our days are filled with woe, + And all the paths are dark and chill, + This thought may cheer us as we go, + And bring us light and comfort still; + + This, this may stay our faltering feet, + And this our mournful minds beguile:-- + We helped some little heart to beat + And taught some little face to smile. + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +"MONITORS AT WORK OFF KNOCKE," says _The Daily Mail_, and by way of +reply the Germans knocked off work. + + * * * * * + +THE PATRIOT. + +This is a true story. Unless you promise to believe me, it is not much +good my going on.... You promise? Very well. + +Years ago I bought a pianola. I went into the shop to buy a gramophone +record, and I came out with a pianola--so golden-tongued was the +manager. You would think that one could then retire into private life +for a little, but it is only the beginning. There is the music-stool +to be purchased, the library subscription, the tuner's fee (four +visits a year, if you please), the cabinet for the rolls, the man to +oil the pedals, the----however, one gets out of the shop at last. Nor +do I regret my venture. It is common talk that my pianola was the +chief thing about me which attracted Celia. "I _must_ marry a man with +a pianola," she said ... and there was I ... and here, in fact, we +are. My blessings, then, on the golden tongue of the manager. + +Now there is something very charming in a proper modesty about +one's attainments, but it is necessary that the attainments should +be generally recognized first. It was admirable in STEPHENSON to +have said (as I am sure he did), when they congratulated him on +his first steam-engine, "Tut-tut, it's nothing;" but he could +only say this so long as the others were in a position to offer +the congratulations. In order to place you in that position I +must let you know how extraordinarily well I played the pianola. +I brought to my interpretation of different Ops an _elan_, a +_verve_, a _je ne sais quoi_--and several other French words--which +were the astonishment of all who listened to me. But chiefly I +was famous for my playing of one piece: "The Charge of the Uhlans," +by KARL BOHM. Others may have seen Venice by moonlight, or heard +the Vicar's daughter recite _Little Jim_, but the favoured few +who have been present when BOHM and I were collaborating are the +ones who have really lived. Indeed, even the coldest professional +critic would have spoken of it as "a noteworthy rendition." + +"The Charge of the Uhlans." If you came to see me, you had to hear it. +As arranged for the pianola, it was marked to be played throughout at +a lightning pace and with the loudest pedal on. So one would play it +if one wished to annoy the man in the flat below; but a true musician +has, I take it, a higher aim. I disregarded the "FF.'s" and the other +sign-posts on the way, and gave it my own interpretation. As played by +me, "The Charge of the Uhlans" became a whole battle scene. Indeed, it +was necessary, before I began, that I should turn to my audience and +describe the scene to them--in the manner, but not in the words, of a +Queen's Hall programme:-- + +"Er--first of all you hear the cavalry galloping past, and then +there's a short hymn before action while they form up, and then comes +the charge, and then there's a slow bit while they--er--pick up the +wounded, and then they trot slowly back again. And if you listen +carefully to the last bit you'll actually hear the horses limping." + +Something like that I would say; and it might happen that an +insufferable guest (who never got asked again) would object that the +hymn part was unusual in real warfare. + +"They sang it in this piece anyhow," I would say stiffly, and turn my +back on him and begin. + +But the war put a stop to music as to many other things. For three +months the pianola has not been played by either of us. There are two +reasons for this: first, that we simply haven't the time now; and +secondly, that we are getting all the music we want from the flat +below. The flat below is learning "Tipperary" on one finger. He gets +as far as the farewell to Leicester Square, and then he breaks down; +the parting is too much for him. + +I was not, then, surprised at the beginning of this month to find +Celia looking darkly at the pianola. + +"It's very ugly," she began. + +"We can't help our looks," I said in my grandmother's voice. + +"A bookcase would be much prettier there." + +"But not so tuneful." + +"A pianola isn't tuneful if you never play it." + +"True," I said. + +Celia then became very alluring, and suggested that I might find +somebody who would like to be lent a delightful pianola for a year or +so by somebody whose delightful wife had her eye on a delightful +bookcase. + +"I might," I said. + +"Somebody," said Celia, "who isn't supplied with music from below." + +I found John. He was quite pleased about it, and promised to return +the pianola when the war was over. + +So on Wednesday it went. I was not sorry, because in its silence it +was far from beautiful, and we wanted another bookcase badly. But on +Tuesday evening--its last hours with us--I had to confess to a certain +melancholy. It is sad to part with an old and well-tried friend, +particularly when that friend is almost entirely responsible for your +marriage. I looked at the pianola and then I said to Celia, "I must +play it once again." + +"Please," said Celia. + +"The old masterpiece, I suppose?" I said, as I got it out. + +"Do you think you ought to--now? I don't think I want to hear a charge +of the Uhlans--beasts; I want a charge of our own men." + +"Art," I said grandly, "knows no frontiers." I suppose this has been +said by several people several times already, but for the moment both +Celia and I thought it was rather clever. + +So I placed the roll in the pianola, sat down and began to play.... + +Ah, the dear old tune.... + +Dash it all! + +"What's happened?" said Celia, breaking a silence which had become +alarming. + +"I must have put it in wrong," I said. + +I wound the roll off, put it in again, and tried a second time, +pedalling vigorously. + +Dead silence.... + +Hush! A note ... another silence ... and then another note.... + +I pedalled through to the end. About five notes sounded. + +"Celia," I said, "this is wonderful." + +It really was wonderful. For the first time in its life my pianola +refused to play "The Charge of the Uhlans." It had played it a hundred +times while we were at peace with Germany, but when we were at +war--no! + +We had to have a farewell piece. I put in a waltz, and it played it +perfectly. Then we said good-bye to our pianola, feeling a reverence +for it which we had never felt before. + + * * * * * + +You don't believe this? Yet you promised you would ... and I still +assure you that it is true. But I admit that the truth is sometimes +hard to believe, and the first six persons to whom I told the story +assured me frankly that I was a liar. If one is to be called a liar, +one may as well make an effort to deserve the name. I made an effort, +therefore, with the seventh person. + +"I put in 'The Charge of the Uhlans,'" I said, "and it played 'God +Save the King.'" + +Unfortunately he was a very patriotic man indeed, and he believed it. +So that is how the story is now going about. But you who read this +know the real truth of the matter. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +Things worth waiting for. + + "Other pictures are announced, among them 'Trilby,' with Sir + H. Beerbohm Tree in the title-role."--_Blackheath Local + Guide_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRUTH ABOUT ----. + +FACSIMILE SKETCHES BY OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT AT ----. + +[Illustration: FOR THREE DAYS ---- LAY WOUNDED.] + +[Illustration: WAS PICKED UP BY ---- AND PLACED IN PASSING WAGON.] + +[Illustration: DISCOVERED THEREIN A QUANTITY OF HIDDEN ----.] + +[Illustration: THE EXPRESSION ON THE DRIVER'S FACE TOLD HIM ----.] + +[Illustration: AFTER A DESPERATE STRUGGLE HE OVERCAME THE DRIVER AND +DROVE WAGON TO ----.] + +[Illustration: He found the village damaged. The above sketch gives the +exact positions of ---- and ----. To the right of the ---- can be seen +the ruins of the ----.] + +[Illustration: IGNORING THE ----'S FIRE HE RAN FOR SEVERAL MILES;] + +[Illustration: AND CAME FACE TO FACE WITH ---- WHO SAID ---- ----.] + + * * * * * + +To the Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Roberts of Kandahar and Pretoria. + +BORN, 1832. DIED, ON SERVICE AT THE FRONT, NOV. 14TH, 1914. + + He died, as soldiers die, amid the strife, + Mindful of England in his latest prayer; + God, of His love, would have so fair a life + Crowned with a death as fair. + + He might not lead the battle as of old, + But, as of old, among his own he went, + Breathing a faith that never once grew cold, + A courage still unspent. + + So was his end; and, in that hour, across + The face of War a wind of silence blew, + And bitterest foes paid tribute to the loss + Of a great heart and true. + + But we who loved him, what have we to lay + For sign of worship on his warrior-bier? + What homage, could his lips but speak to-day, + Would he have held most dear? + + Not grief, as for a life untimely reft; + Not vain regret for counsel given in vain; + Not pride of that high record he has left, + Peerless and pure of stain; + + But service of our lives to keep her free, + The land he served; a pledge above his grave + To give her even such a gift as he, + The soul of loyalty, gave. + + That oath we plight, as now the trumpets swell + His requiem, and the men-at-arms stand mute, + And through the mist the guns he loved so well + Thunder a last salute! + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY. + + THIS WAS THE HAPPY WARRIOR. THIS WAS HE + THAT EVERY MAN IN ARMS SHOULD WISH TO BE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. SPENLOW ASQUITH EXPLAINS TO MASTER WALTER LONG THAT +"STATE OF THINGS COMPLAINED OF IS ENTIRELY DUE TO MONSIEUR JORKINS +POINCARE."] + + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 16th November._--"Let us think imperially," +said DON JOSE in a famous phrase. Just now we are thinking in +millions. Suppose it's somewhere about the same thing. Anyhow PREMIER +to-day announced with pardonable pride that we are spending a trifle +under a million a day in the war forced upon mankind by the Man +Forsworn. To meet necessities of case he asked for further Vote of +Credit for 225 millions and an addition of a million men to Regular +Army. + +[Illustration: WEDGWOOD BENN S'EN VA-T-EN GUERRE.] + +Here was a chance for a great speech. Never before had English +Minister submitted such stupendous propositions. Some of us remember +how, thirty-six years ago, DIZZY, by way of threat to Russia, then at +war with Turkey, created profound sensation in town and country by +asking for Vote of Credit for six millions. At close of Boer War +HICKS-BEACH, then Chancellor of Exchequer, launched a War Loan of 30 +millions. 'Twas thought at the time that we were going it, taking a +long stride towards national Bankruptcy Court. Now it is 225 millions +in supplement of a hundred millions voted in August. Moreover, the two +together do not carry us further than end of financial year, 31st of +March. Then we shall begin again with another trifle of same +dimensions or probably increased. + +How Mr. G., had he still been with us, would have revelled in +opportunity for delivering an oration planned to scale! How his +eloquence would have glowed over these fantastic figures! HERBERT +HENRY ASQUITH (had he been consulted at the font, he would certainly +have objected to useless waste of time involved in a second baptismal +name) spoke for less than quarter of an hour, submitting proposals in +baldest, most business-like fashion. He wanted the men and he wanted +the money too. Fewer words spoken the sooner he would get them. So, +avoiding tropes and flights of eloquence, he just stood at Table, a +sort of humanized ledger, briefly set forth items of his account, +totalled them up and sat down. + +WALTER LONG, following, voiced general dislike for prohibition that +keeps War Correspondents out of fighting line in Flanders. Deprecated +risk of circulating information useful to the enemy, but insisted, +amid cheers from both sides, that there might be published letters +from the front free from such danger "that would bring comfort and +solace to the people and would do more to attract recruits than bands +and flag-parading throughout the country." + +Speaking later in reply, Mr. Spenlow ASQUITH, while sympathising with +WALTER LONG'S desire, explained that state of things complained of is +entirely due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincare. + +"We are not free agents in this matter," he said. "We must regulate +our proceedings by the proceedings of our Allies." + +_Business done._--Vote of Credit for 225 million and authority to +raise another million men for Army agreed to without dissent. + +_Tuesday._--Lords and Commons united in paying tribute to the life, +lamenting the death, of Lord ROBERTS--"BOBS," beloved of the Army, +revered in India, mourned throughout the wide range of Empire. Even in +Germany, where hatred of all that is English has become a monomania, +exception is made in his favour. "There are moments," writes a +sportsman in the German Press, "when the warrior salutes the enemy +with his sword instead of striking with it. Such a moment came with +the death of Lord Roberts." + +Speeches in both Houses worthy of the occasion. Brief, simple, genuine +in emotion, they were well attuned to the theme. One of the happiest +things said was uttered by BONAR LAW: "In his simplicity, in his +modesty, in his high-minded uprightness, and in his stern detestation +of everything mean and base, Lord ROBERTS was in real life all, and +more than all, that _Colonel Newcome_ was in fiction." + +PREMIER proposed that on Monday House shall authorise erection of +monument at the public charge to the memory of the Great Soldier. When +motion formally put from Chair heads were bared in farewell salute of +the warrior taking his rest. + +Not the least touching note of eloquence was supplied during +proceedings in House of Lords. It was the empty seat at the corner of +the Front Cross Bench where on rare occasions stood the lithe erect +figure, in stature not quite so high as NAPOLEON, modestly offering +words of counsel. + +_Business done._--CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, presenting himself to +favourable consideration of crowded House in homely character of +coalheaver filling bunkers of a battleship, introduced second Budget +of the year. Upon consideration House comes to conclusion that one is +quite enough, thank you. Proposals in Supplementary Budget are what +_Dominic Sampson_ might, with more than customary appropriateness and +emphasis, describe as "Prodigious!" Faced by deficiency of something +over three-hundred-and-thirty-nine-and-a-half millions, CHANCELLOR +launches War Loan of two hundred and thirty millions and levies +additional fifteen-and-a-half millions in taxation. + +_Items:_ Income Tax doubled; threepence a pound added to tea; a +halfpenny clapped on price of every modest half-pint of beer +consumed. + +_Wednesday._--Monotony of truce in respect of Party politics varied by +wholesome heartening game. It consists of hunting down the German +spies and chivying the HOME SECRETARY. Played in both Houses to-night. +In the Lords HALSBURY attempted to make Lord CHANCELLOR'S flesh creep +by disclosure of existence of "ingenious system of correspondence" +carried on between alien spies and their paymaster in Berlin. HALDANE +replied that the matter had been closely investigated; turned out +there was "nothing in it." CRAWFORD fared no better. Imperturbable +LORD CHANCELLOR assured House that the military and civil authorities +in Scotland were cognisant of rumours reported by noble Lord. Every +case that seemed to warrant investigation had been looked into. Was +found that many were based on hearsay. Impossible to find evidence to +establish charges made. + +[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "IN HOMELY CHARACTER OF +COALHEAVER FILLING BUNKERS OF A BATTLESHIP."] + +Nevertheless, LONDONDERRY, having dispassionately thought the matter +over, came to conclusion that conduct of HOME SECRETARY was +"contemptible." + +This opinion, phrased in differing form, shared on Opposition Benches +in Commons. PREMIER explained that business of dealing with aliens is +not concentrated in Home Office; is shared with the War Office and the +Admiralty. Of late, on suggestion of Committee of Imperial Defence, +there has been established at War Office an Intelligence Department in +correspondence with the Admiralty and assured of assistance of the +Home Office wherever necessary. + +That all very well. Hon. Members and noble Lords in Opposition not to +be disturbed in their honest conviction that MCKENNA is at the bottom +of the bad business. + +_Business done._--On suggestion of BONAR LAW and on motion of PREMIER +Select Committee appointed to consider scheme of pensions and grants +for men wounded in the war, and for the widows and orphans of those +who have lost their lives. + +_Friday._--Like MARLBROOK, WEDGWOOD BENN _s'en va-t-en guerre_. Has +sallied out with a troop of Middlesex Hussars to "join our army in +Flanders," where, according to contemporary testimony, once upon a +time it "swore terribly." His Parliamentary services, supplemented by +the Chairmanship of Committee controlling disposition of National +Relief Fund, might seem sufficient to keep him at home. But valour, +like murder, will out. So, as old _John Willett_, landlord of the +Maypole Inn, Chigwell, used to say when asked of the whereabouts of +his son, "he has gone to the Salwanners, where the war is," carrying +with him the good wishes of all sections of House and an exceptionally +full knowledge of the intricacies of the Insurance Act. + +Many gaps on Benches on both sides. SARK tells me there are +seven-score Members on active service at the Front. One of the first +to go was SEELY, at brief interval stepping from position of Head of +British Army to that of a unit in its ranks. + +News of him came the other day from Private JAMES WHITE, of the +Inniskilling Fusiliers, now in hospital at Belfast. Wounded by +fragments of a shell, WHITE lay for an hour where he fell. Then he +felt a friendly hand on his shoulder and a cheery voice asked how he +was getting on. + +It was Colonel SEELY bending over him, regardless of heavy shell fire +directed on the spot by German batteries. He gave the wounded Fusilier +a cigarette, helped him to get up and assisted him to his motor-car, +in which he had all day been engaged in conveying wounded to French +hospital in the rear. + +"He is the bravest man I ever met," said Private JAMES WHITE. "He was +as cool as the morning under fire, cheering us all up with smiles and +little jokes." + +_Business done:_--Report of Supply. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE. + +"ULLO, YOU FELLERS! WOT YER COME DOWN FOR? MORE PETROL?"] + + * * * * * + +A RECRUITING BALLAD. + + [Recruiting in country districts is languishing because the + folk hear nothing of their regiments, and local attachment is + very strong. Unfortunately this ballad had to be founded on + material supplied by the C----r. However, the permitted + references to Germans ought at any rate to convince the public + that the ballad has no connection whatever with the late Boer + War.] + + This is the tale of the Blankshires bold, the famous charge they + made; + This is the tale of the deeds they did whose glory never will fade; + They only numbered _X_ hundred men and the German were thousands + (_Y_), + Yet on the battlefield of _Z_ they made the foeman fly. + + Calm and cool on the field they stood (near a town--I can't say + where); + Some of them hugged their rifles close but none of them turned a + hair; + The Colonel (I must suppress his name) looked out on the stubborn + foe, + And said, "My lads, we must drive them hence, else _A_ + _B_ will + go." + + Then each man looked in his neighbour's face and laughed with sudden + glee + (The Briton fights his very best for algebra's formulae); + The hostile guns barked loud and sharp (their number I cannot + give), + And no one deemed the Blankety Blanks could face that fire and + live. + + For Colonel O. was struck by a shell and wounded was Major Q., + And half a hostile army corps came suddenly into view; + And hidden guns spat death at them and airmen hovered to kill, + But the Blankety Blanks just opened their ranks and charged an + (unnamed) hill. + + Half of their number fell on the hill ere they reached the German + trench; + General J---- cried out: "Tres bon"; "Not half," said Marshal + F----; + An angry Emperor shook his fist and at his legions raved, + And then (the C----r lets me say) the cheery Blankshires shaved. + + Rally, O rally, ye Blankshire men, rally to fill the gaps; + Seek victories (all unknown to us), bear (well-suppressed) mishaps; + And when you've made a gallant charge and pierced the angry foe + Your names won't get to your people at home, but BUCKMASTER will + know. + + * * * * * + +OUR NATIONAL GUESTS. + +II. + +The truth is that the Belgians in Crashie Howe are enjoying a _succes +fou_. There is the enterprising Marie, who thinks nothing of going off +on her own, on the strength of an English vocabulary only a fortnight +old, overwhelming the stationmaster and boarding an ambulance train +full of wounded Belgians at the local station to ask for news of her +brothers. (We were all delighted when an adventurous letter +miraculously arrived from the Pas de Calais on Saturday and reported +that both brothers were well and unwounded.) There is Victor, who, +although only thirteen, is already a _pupille d'armee_ and has a +uniform quite as good as any fighting man. I can tell you he has put +our Boy Scouts in the shade. But Victor is afraid the war will be over +before he is old enough to get at it. + +Then, again, there is the small Juliette, who is dark, with a +comfortable little face constructed almost entirely of dimples, and, +at the age of eight, has been discovered knitting stockings at a +prodigious pace while she looked the other way. I am afraid Juliette +is being held up as an example to other children of the neighbourhood, +but I think her great popularity may well survive even that. And there +is Louis, who is a marvel at making bird-cages, and Rosalie, whose +pride is in the shine of her pots and pans. They are all doing well. + +Rosalie, it is true, has had a fearful bout of toothache, so bad that +she had to retire to bed for a day. When Dr. Anderson, whose French is +very good, had successfully diagnosed the trouble and told her that +the only cure was to have the tooth out, she plaintively replied that +she had thought of that herself, but, alas, it was impossible, for "it +was too firmly implanted." For my part I sympathised with Rosalie--I +have often felt like that. + +The grandmother rather likes to sit apart, beaming, far from the +general throng, and it was for that reason that I selected her at the +very outset to practise on in private. I tried her more than once in +my sadly broken French; I even went further and tried her in +rapidly-improvised Flemish. Whenever I felt I was at my best I used to +go and have a turn at her, and, although she smiled at me like +anything and was awfully pleased, I never elicited the slightest +response. Now I know that she is almost stone deaf and hasn't heard a +word I have said. As I came sadly away after this discovery there +occurred to my mind the story of him who undertook to train a savage +in the arts of civilization, only to learn, after some years of +disappointing, unrequited toil, that his victim was not only a savage +but also a lunatic. I don't mean that to be disrespectful to +_Grandmere_--it is only a parallel instance of good work thrown away. + +We are learning a good deal that is new about the art of knitting. One +thing is that the Flemish knitter cannot get on at all comfortably +unless the needles are long enough to tuck under her arms. I may +safely say that I never dreamt of that. At first they fumbled about +unhappily with our miserable little needles, but the ship's +carpenter--who makes the bird-cages--has found quite an ingenious way +out. He has mounted all the needles at the end of a sort of stilt or +leg of cane (like a bayonet), and since this innovation they are +working at a speed which, even in these days of universal knitting, +would be pretty hard to beat. + +The children are really getting on famously at school. A very touching +little romance was enacted there one day. Eugene and Pierre, belonging +to different families, arrived in our midst on different days and did +not chance to meet each other at first. At school they happened to be +put, away from their compatriots, in the same room. Eugene is eight +and Pierre seven. It was, you may well guess, pretty lonely work for a +small Belgian in a roomful of Scotch boys, but both bore up bravely. +The subject, as I understand, was simple addition (which knows no +frontiers and looks the same in any language), and there is no +whispering or secret conversation in our school, I can tell you. There +they sat side by side for two hours, each contemplating the other as +an alien, each smothering pent-up feelings of home-sickness. And then +suddenly, at a single Flemish word from the schoolmaster, the moment +of revelation came; it dawned on both of them at once that they were +not alone, and, rising to their feet, they embraced with tears of +joy. + +"Broeder!" cried Eugene. + +"Broeder!" echoed Pierre. + +That was nearly a week ago. By now Pierre is beginning to treat Eugene +in a slightly off-hand manner. He has hardly time for him. He has so +many Scotch friends. + + * * * * * + + "During the night a terrific gale raged in Manchester and + surrounding districts, hail and sleet being accompanied by a + torrential rainfall varied by Pendleton, Eccles, Seedley and + other lightning."--_People_. + +"Eccles lightning is the best."--(_Advt._). + + * * * * * + +THE IMMORTAL LEGEND. + +In the House of Commons on November 18, Mr. KING asked the UNDER-SECRETARY +FOR WAR whether he could state, without injury to the military interests +of the Allies, whether any Russian troops had been conveyed through Great +Britain to the Western area of the European War. + +Mr. TENNANT'S reply:--"I am uncertain whether it will gratify or +displease my hon. friend to know that no Russian troops have been +conveyed through Great Britain to the Western area of the European +War." + +The firm and faithful believers in this beautiful tale are not to be +put off so easily as that, and there are so many thousands of faces to +be saved, and such numbers of ear- (if not eye-) witnesses of the +undying exploit, that we really must see if there is not after all +some loophole in the official pronouncement. Let us pause for further +scrutiny and meditations. + +Why, of course, here it is. The UNDER-SECRETARY merely states his +imperfect knowledge of the bias of Mr. KING. He does not know whether +his questioner is one of the ardent souls who are ready to pass along +and adorn the latest legend from the Clubs, or a cold-blooded sceptic +fit only to be a Censor. + +No, we are not to be done out of our Russians by any mere UNDER-SECRETARY +FOR WAR; certainly not one who is capable of such prevarication. And +anyhow, why should the Germans do all the story-telling? + + * * * * * + +THE WILD AND WOOLLY WEST END. + + "A PROTEST.--Is there any reason why the War should be made an + excuse for the abandonment of the niceties of life? Dining at + a West-End restaurant nowadays one might well imagine oneself + in America, from the variety and incongruity of the dress of + the male patrons."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +We fear that the protest is only too well justified. Indeed, much more +might be revealed were it not for the heavy hand of the C----r. Our +special representative reports:-- + +To the O.C., _Punch_ Battalion, Bouverie Brigade, Fleet Division, +E.C., of London Reserves. + + _A City on the river T----s. + Nov. the --teenth._ + +Carrying out your order No. 69A, I made a night reconnaissance in +force. I have the honour to report that at dinner at a certain hotel +two hundred yards east by north of railway base C----g X, I counted +only five boiled shirts. Have reason to suspect that they were +subsidised by the management, and were worn by Stock Exchange members +thrown out of employment by the War and endeavouring to supplement +their private incomes. + +The rest of the male costumes were mainly khaki. One man entered +dining-room with Buffalo Bill hat decorated with maple-leaf and A.M.S. +(Athabasca Mounted Scalpers), which he deposited on chair next to him. +The only nut present endeavoured to remove this object. The A.M.S. man +touched his hip-pocket significantly, and said: "The drinks are on +you." + +At the table next to him was a group of South American magnates in +tweed suits decorated with large buttons reading: "_No me habla de la +guerra!_" If the man from Athabasca should start conversation with +them about the war, it seemed probable that gun-fighting would ensue. +I therefore enfiladed the position and took cover. However, the +sergeant-waiter tactfully shifted a palm into screening position +between the two tables, and thus averted the spreading of the War to +Latin America. + +Similar state of affairs existed in stalls of certain theatre within +outpost distance of P----y C----s. Ladies were openly knitting socks +and intimate woollen garments between the Acts. Management seemed +powerless to restore the conventions of peace-time. + +At the C----n Tavern the bar-tender had pasted notice on mirror behind +him: "This Saloon closes at ten sharp. Gents are kindly requested not +to start nothing here." The announcement seemed to have been +effective, for very few bullet-marks were to be noted. + +By midnight, L----r S----e and R----t S----t were comparatively clear +of dagos. This was due to efforts of street-cleaning corps (3rd County +of L----n Light Hose). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Recruiting Officer (to brawny pitman who has just passed +his medical examination)_. "WHAT REGIMENT DO YOU WISH TO JOIN?" + +_Pitman_. "I DON'T CARE." + +_Officer_. "SURE YOU HAVE NO PREFERENCE?" + +_Pitman_. "WELL, PUT ME IN ONE O' THEM THAT SPIKES THE BEGGARS."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW ANAESTHETIC. + + REMARKABLE DISCOVERY. + MEDICAL SCIENCE SUPERSEDED. + +A correspondent in whose accuracy we place the highest trust informs +us of very remarkable results which have been achieved by the adoption +of a new means of alleviating pain and suffering invented by a lady in +London. This lady being suddenly taken with lumbago was in great agony +until she remembered our soldiers at the front, and thought how much +worse was a wound, and instantly, our correspondent is informed, some +of her own distress left her. The case has been investigated by +several eminent inquirers and they are satisfied with her story. + +Meanwhile evidence of a similar nature comes from other parts of the +country, in every case recording a sense of personal well-being, +though only comparative, and an increased disinclination to complain, +upon the realisation of what it must be to be a soldier just +now--whether up to his knees in a flooded trench, or sleeping on the +wet ground, or lying in agony waiting to be picked up and taken to a +hospital, or being taken to a hospital over jolting roads, or going +without meals, or having to boil tea over a candle-flame, or awakening +from the operation and finding himself maimed for life. + +Nor is the lenitive of this little effort of imagination confined to +bodily ills; for a well-authenticated case reaches us of a notoriously +mean man of wealth who was not heard to utter a single word of +grumbling over the new war taxes after realising what the soldier's +burden was too. Hence _Mr. Punch_ is only too happy to give publicity +to the discovery. + + * * * * * + +The Spy Danger. + +Extract from a letter written by an East Coast resident:-- + + "The authorities are now looking for a grey motor-car, driven + by a woman, who is thought to have a wireless apparatus + inside." + +R.A.M.C. forward, please. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Sentimentalist (who has received socks from +England)_. "SHE LOVES ME; SHE LOVES ME NOT."] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST BOTTLE. + +I had been drilling all the morning, and had spent the whole of the +afternoon squirming face downwards on the moist turf of Richmond Park +in an endeavour to advance, as commanded, in extended order. In the +morning--that is during compressed drill--I had been twice wounded. +Owing to lack of education a famous novelist had confused his left +hand with his right, with the result that when we were right-turned he +had dealt me a terrific blow on the ear with the barrel of his rifle. +It soon ceased to be an ear, and became of the size and consistency of +a muffin. My second casualty was brought about by a well-known +orchestral conductor, who however confidently he could pilot his +players through the most complicated Symphonic Poem was invariably out +of his depth whenever, the ranks being turned about, he was required +to form fours. His manoeuvre that morning had been a wild and +undisciplined fugue, culminating in an unconventional _stretto_ upon +an exceedingly dominant pedal-point, that is to say, his heel on my +toe. + +Consequently when I arrived home in the evening, wet, soiled, hungry +and maimed, I felt that I needed a little artificial invigoration. A +bright idea occurred to me as I was waiting for the bath to fill. + +"Joan," I cried, "don't you think I might open Johann to-night?" Joan, +who had been trying to decide whether it would not be more advisable +to have my sweater dyed a permanent shot-green and brown, demurred. + +"I thought your anti-German conscience would not permit you to open +Johann until after the war's over," she called back. + +"My anti-German conscience has been severely wounded," I replied. "It +hasn't sufficient strength to hold out much longer. In a few seconds +it will surrender unconditionally." + +"Be brave," urged Joan. "Just think how proud you will be in days to +come when you look back to this evening and realise how, in the face +of the most terrible temptations, you triumphed!" + +"That's all very fine," I remarked, "but to-night I feel I need Johann +medicinally. If I don't have him, there may be _no_ days to come. Do +be reasonable. Do you suppose that if the KAISER, for instance, were +bitten by a mad dog--a real one, I mean--that his anti-Ally conscience +would forbid his adoption of the Pasteur treatment?" + +"Then if you really feel the need of a special refresher," said Joan, +"at least let me send Phoebe out for a bottle of some friendly or +neutral substitute." + +A vivid recollection of Phoebe's being despatched once before in an +emergency for mustard and returning with custard flashed through my +mind. + +"She's much too unreliable," I cried. "She'd get bay rum, or something +equally futile. It must be Johann or nothing." + +"Then," said Joan, "let us say nothing"--an ambiguity of which I +determined to take full advantage. + +Johann, I must now explain, was the sole survivor of six small bottles +of the genuine Rhine brand which Joan's uncle (who is in the trade) +had given her last Christmas. Number Five had been opened on the +evening of August Bank Holiday after a strenuous day on the tennis +courts. Later, when hostilities had started all round I had taken a +terrible oath that nothing of German or Austrian origin should be used +in our household until Peace broke out. This necessitated the +sacrifice of at least four inches of breakfast sausage and the better +part of a box of Carlsbad plums. Johann, being intact, was merely +interned. But at that time I had not anticipated that some three +months later I should be exhausted by long and tiring drills and +manoeuvres. + +However, on this night my body cried aloud for Johann's refreshing +contents. I did not care two pins that he had been manufactured on the +banks of the Rhine, or that he was the product of alien and hostile +hands. After all, it wasn't Johann's fault; and besides, surely he had +been long enough in England to become naturalised. At any rate it was +both prejudiced and illogical to assume that Johann was my enemy +solely because he happened to be born in Germany. + +The bath took some time to fill. The taps, I think, wanted sweeping. +But during the time that elapsed I made up my mind. Johann should be +opened. I slipped on my dressing-gown and went in search of him. When +I had secured him I met Joan on the landing; she was just going down +to dinner. + +"Haven't you had your bath yet?" she asked. "Hurry up and--oh! you've +got Johann!" + +"Yes," I said. "I have decided that there is no evidence to prove that +he is not a naturalised British bottle. I am going to open him." + +"You renegade!" Joan cried. "If you dare so much as to loosen his cork +I'll--I'll give you an Iron Cross." + +"I'm desperate," I answered. "I would still open Johann even if you +threatened me with the Iron Cross of both the first and the second +class." + +"Coward!" said Joan. "Still, if you're really determined to open him, +remember half belongs to me." + +A moment later I had poured half the contents of Johann--his full name +is Johann Maria Farina--into my bath. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_. "THIS BE A TERRIBLE WAR, DOCTOR." + +_He_. "IT IS, INDEED." + +_She_. "IT'S A PITY SOMEONE DON'T CATCH THAT THERE OLD KRUGER." + +_He_. "AH, YOU MEAN THE KAISER." + +_She_. "AW--CHANGED HIS NAME, HAS HE--DECEITFUL OLD VARMINT?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In _The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman_ (MACMILLAN) that impenitent +pamphleteer, H. G. WELLS, returns yet again to the intriguing subject +of marriage, and in a vein something nearer orthodoxy. Not, certainly, +that worthy stubborn orthodoxy of accepted unquestioned doctrine, or +that sleeker variety of middle-aged souls that were once young, now +too tired or bored to go on asking questions, but an orthodoxy rather +that is honest enough to revise on the evidence earlier judgments as +too cocksure and hasty. _Sir Isaac Harman_ was a tea-shop magnate, and +a very pestilent and primitive cad who caught his wife young and poor +and battered her into reluctant surrender by a stormy wooing, whose +very sincerity and abandonment were but a frantic expression of his +dominating egotism and acquisitiveness. Wooing and winning, thinks +this simple ignoble knight, is a thing done once and for all. Remains +merely obedience in very plain and absolute terms on the part of lady +to lord, obedience which, in the last resort, can be exacted by +withholding supplies--not so uncommon a form of blackmail as it suits +the dominant sex to imagine. _Lady Harman's_ emancipation does not +take the conventionally unconventional form, for some deeper reason, I +think, than that her sententious friend and would-be lover, _George +Brumley_, could not altogether escape her gentle contempt; indeed, she +recognises _Sir Isaac's_ claims upon her for duty and gratitude in a +way which modern high-spirited priestesses of progress would scarcely +approve. She fights merely for a limit to the proprietorship, for the +right to a separate individuality, the right to be useful in a wider +sphere (a phrase that stands for so much that is good and less good). +Mr. WELLS has realised this gracious, shy and beautiful personality +with a fine skill. It is no mean feat. He might so easily have made a +dear mild ghost. And oh! if ladies of influence who regiment their +inferiors in orderly philanthropic schemes had some of the wisdom and +tolerance of _Lady Harman_ in her dealings with the tea-shop girls. +You see one instinctively pays Mr. WELLS the serious compliment of +assuming that he has something material to say about the things which +matter. + + * * * * * + +As a demonstration of the irony of history, I can hardly imagine a +better subject for romance at the present moment than the fortunes of +WILLIAM OF ORANGE, and if Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S _Prince and Heretic_ +(METHUEN) shows some traces of having been rather hastily finished it +is easy to pardon this defect. The alchemist's assistant, part seer +and part quack, whom she introduces into the earlier part of the story +foretells the violent deaths of the young princes of the house of +Nassau and the ravaging and looting of the Netherlands by ALVA, +Defender of the Catholic Faith and servant of the House of Hapsburg; +but he cannot conjure up out of his crystal the sight of a Catholic +Belgium suffering these things, three hundred and fifty years later, +at the hands of a Lutheran King allied with a Hapsburg and fighting +for the sake of no cause but his own vanity. Most of the action takes +place in Brussels--a Brussels placarded with squibs against CARDINAL +GRANVILLE; and the final retreat of WILLIAM, ruined in everything +except his spirit, to join the army of the PRINCE DE CONDE, has a +pathetic significance to-day that not many historical romances can +claim. Miss MARJORIE BOWEN has a remarkable gift for the presentation +of a number of lifelike portraits against a vivid and gorgeous +background, and the successive pictures of the Dutch and Flemish +Schools which she creates in _Prince and Heretic_, make it, if not +quite so successful as _I Will Maintain_, at least a book which no +lover of the Lowlands can afford to miss. + + * * * * * + +_Our Sentimental Garden_ (HEINEMANN) is one of the very pleasantest +garden-books I have encountered. One reason for this is that it is +about such a lot of other things besides gardens. Volumes that are +exclusively devoted to what I might call horticultural hortation are +apt to become oppressive. But AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE are persons far +too sympathetic not to avoid this danger. Instead of lecturing, they +talk with an engaging discursiveness that lures you from page to page, +as it might from bed to border, were you an actual visitor in the +exquisite Surrey garden that is their ostensible subject. One thing +with them leads to another. "Lilacs," they say. "Ah, lilacs--" and +immediately one of them is started upon a whole series of rambling, DU +MAURIERISH recollections of school-days in Second Empire Paris. +Kittens and Pekinese puppies, village types, politics (just a little) +and Roman villas--all these are the themes of their happy talk. "The +Garden Garrulous" they might have called the book; and I for one have +found it infinitely charming. Not that shrewd hints upon the choice of +roses, the marshalling of bulbs, and other such aspects of the theme +proper are wanting. Moreover, what they tell of garden triumphs is at +once realised for you by a prodigality of drawings scattered among the +text, some glowing in a full page of colour, others in line alone, +from the pencil and brush of Mr. CHARLES ROBINSON. Altogether a very +gentle book, of which one may echo the hope expressed by the writers +in their graceful preface that "some unquiet heart, labouring under +the strain of long-drawn suspense," may find in it "a passing +relaxation, a forgotten smile." + + * * * * * + +Ernest students of military history should be grateful to Mr. EDWARD +FOORD for the patient labour and perseverance he has spent on the +compilation of _Napoleon's Russian Campaign of 1812_ (HUTCHINSON). The +book appears at a most opportune date, for most of us nowadays are +military critics, and here we can, if we like, compare the Russian +methods of 1812 with those of 1914. On the other hand, in these +strenuous days we may not have the time, even if we have the +inclination, to devote ourselves to campaigns a hundred years old. For +my own part, while frankly admitting the value of this book, I confess +that I had sometimes to skip in an endeavour to avoid being bewildered +by names and numbers. Using this desultory mode of progression I was +still abundantly informed and profoundly interested. Mr. FOORD is out +to give facts, however tedious, and I agree with him that it is the +business of an historian to be accurate before he is entertaining. Yet +I could have wished that he had been less parsimonious with his human +appeals, for whenever he unbends he can be at once interesting and +informing. The struggles of BARCLAY DE TOLLY against jealousy and +intrigues are vividly told, and nothing could be more graceful than +the tribute Mr. FOORD pays to the memory of that great soldier, +General EBLE. It is impossible to read the history of this disastrous +campaign without being impressed by the terrible penalties of +overweening arrogance and ambition, and without realising the flaming +spirit of patriotism that has glorified, and will always glorify, the +Russians in time of national peril. + + * * * * * + +In _A Morning In My Library_ ("TIMES" BOOK CLUB), Mr. STEPHEN +COLERIDGE has put together an anthology of English prose which has +some high advantages to recommend it to popular favour even in what +the compiler calls "these tumultuous times." It is a small book and +fits easily into a coat pocket; it is well and clearly printed, and, +best of all, the selection is admirably made and does credit to Mr. +COLERIDGE'S taste. Every extract bears the stamp of inspiration, a +quality difficult to define but unmistakable. RALEIGH'S invocation to +Death; JOHNSON'S preface to the Dictionary; NAPIER'S description of +the battle of Albuera; RICHARD SHIEL'S appeal on behalf of his +fellow-countrymen, and ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S immortal speech at +Gettysburg--all these are to be found, and many more; and all go to +show the might, majesty, dominion and power of that great language +which it is our privilege to speak. I think we shall value that +privilege a little more highly and shall endeavour to place a more +careful restraint on our tongues and our pens after we have dipped +through Mr. COLERIDGE'S little book. He is a judicious guide, and such +explanations as he adds are always short and never tiresome. Yet it +must in fairness be added that KING CHARLES'S head, in the shape of an +anti-vivisection footnote, has once, but only once, crept into the +"memorial." However the fault is such a little one that those who love +noble English prose will easily forgive it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady (to wounded Officer)_. "OH, SIR, DO YOU 'APPEN +TO 'AVE 'EARD IF ANY OF YOUR MEN AT THE FRONT 'AS FOUND A PAIR OF +SPECTACLES WOT I LEFT IN A 16 'BUS IN THE EDGWARE ROAD?"] + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber Notes + +Typographical inconsistencies have been changed and are listed below. + +Archaic and variable spelling is preserved. + +Editors' punctuation style is preserved. + +Passages in italics indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold indicated by =equal signs=. + + +Transcriber Changes + +The following changes were made to the original text: + + Page 429: Added comma after =University= (In his interesting + sketch, in _The Times_, of the PRINCE OF WALES' + career at the =University,= the PRESIDENT of Magdalen + mentions that His Royal Highness "shot at various + country houses round Oxford.") + + Page 429: Removed repeated 'of' (the singing of the soldiers + of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges + =of= Brus-Rhein.') + + Page 444: Was 'reconnaisance' (Carrying out your order + No. 69A, I made a night =reconnaissance= in force.) + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, November 25, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29454.txt or 29454.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/5/29454/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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