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diff --git a/29454-h/29454-h.htm b/29454-h/29454-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a764a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/29454-h/29454-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2612 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, November 25, 1914.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + * html .iesize {width: 300px !important;} + .iesize {width: 100%;} + div.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em;} + a {text-decoration: none;} + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + div.poem {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + p.center {text-align: center !important;} + div.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%; clear: both;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + hr.short {width: 20%;} + p.author {margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 20%; text-align: right;} + .medium {font-size: medium;} + img {border-style: none;} + ins {text-decoration: none; border: none;} + html>body hr.short{margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.medium{margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto !important;} + .figcenter, .figleft, .figright{padding: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; margin: 0px; text-align: center;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figcenter p, .figleft p, .figright p{margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .muchlarger {font-size: x-large;} + h1,h2,h3,h4 {text-align: center;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + .smaller {font-size: small;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + p.indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +November 25, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 25, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 19, 2009 [EBook #29454] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<hr class='pb' /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page429' name='page429'></a>[pg 429]</span></div> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOLUME 147.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2 class="smcap">November 25, 1914.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p><span class='smcap'>Enver Pasha</span>, in a proclamation to +the Turkish troops, says: "The army +will destroy all our enemies with the +aid of Allah and the assistance of the +Prophet." It is rumoured that the +<span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> is a little bit piqued about it.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>We learn from a German paper that, +since the brave Ottomans have discovered +that their Culture and that of +the Germans are one, many Englishmen +who live in Crescents are crying +out in fury for an alteration of their +addresses.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>According to a Berlin journal, about +2,000 players of orchestral instruments +have been thrown out of +employment by the war. +It is suggested that, with +a view to providing them +with more employment, +reverses as well as victories +should be musically +celebrated in the +capital.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>We are glad to see that +the names of battles in +Belgium show a tendency +to become more cheery. +The other day, for instance, +we had the battle +of the Yperlee—and we +may yet have a battle of +Yip-i-yaddy-i-yay.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>It is rumoured that a +compromise has been arrived +at in regard to the +proposal, emanating from +America, that the war +shall be stopped for twenty-four hours +on Christmas Day. The combatants, +it is said, have agreed to fire plum-puddings +instead of cannon-balls.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>Among the promotions which we do +not remember seeing gazetted is that of +<span class='smcap'>Karl Gustav Ernst</span>, a German barber-spy. +At the Old Bailey, the other day, +Mr. Justice <span class='smcap'>Coleridge</span> promoted him +to be a Steinhauer or stone-hacker.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<blockquote> +<p class='center'>"'MIRACLE' PRODUCER KILLED."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This is unfortunate for the Germans, for +if ever they needed a miracle it is now.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>"Information that has come into our +possession," says <i>The Grocer</i>, "proves +<i>to our satisfaction</i> that Germany has +been receiving plentiful supplies of tea +from our shores through neutral countries +since the outbreak of hostilities." +The italics are ours: the satisfaction +appears to be our contemporary's.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting +department of our army. "Why +go for the single man?" he asks. "We +may expect just as much courage from +the married man. He has already proved +his pluck."</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<blockquote> +<p class='center'>"HOW DE WET ESCAPED.<br /> +A MISSING LINK IN THE CORDON."—<i>Observer</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The Germans, who have already been +calling the Allied forces "The Menagerie," +should appreciate this item.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>Angry newspaper men are now +calling a certain institution the Suppress +Bureau.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>A solicitor having announced that +he is prepared to make the wills of +the men of a certain regiment free of +charge, another enterprising legal gentleman, +not to be outdone, would like +it to be known that he is willing to act +as residuary legatee without a fee.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>In his interesting sketch, in <i>The +Times</i>, of the <span class='smcap'>Prince of Wales'</span> career +at the <a name='TC_1'></a><ins title="Added comma">University,</ins> the <span class='smcap'>President</span> of +Magdalen mentions that His Royal +Highness "shot at various country +houses round Oxford." We hope that +this will not be quoted against the +<span class='smcap'>Prince</span> by a spiteful German Press, +should any bullet marks be found one +day on the walls of some castle on the +Rhine.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>It came as quite an unpleasant +surprise to many persons to learn +from Mr. <span class='smcap'>Asquith</span> that the War is +costing us a million pounds a day, +that being more than some of us spend +in a year.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;"> +<a href="images/429.png"> +<img src="images/429.png" title="" alt="The Ruling Passion" width="100%" /></a> +<h4>THE RULING PASSION.</h4> +<p><i>Customer</i>. "<span class='smcap'>Bring me some soup, please.</span>"</p> +<p><i>Waitress (absent-mindedly)</i>. "<span class='smcap'>Yes, Sir; purl or plain, Sir?</span>"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>The End of the Press Bureau.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>"Members of several guilds carried their +banners in the procession which went round +the church to the accompaniment of impressive +music and the swinging of censors."—<i>South Western Star</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>If this had got about, there would have +been a bigger crowd at the ceremony. +As it was, Fleet Street was taken by +surprise, and only had time to prepare +a few fireworks for the evening.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Among other public buildings in a certain +town which for many reasons it will be prudent +to refrain from mentioning ... on a +day and date which I need not trouble to +repeat...."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>No, this is not from our Special Representative +behind the Front; it is the +opening passage of <i>Oliver Twist</i>, and +shows what a splendid +War Correspondent +<span class='smcap'>Dickens</span> would have +made.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>Teuton Anatomy.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>"The clay feet of Germany +will be revealed when we take +off the gloves."—<i>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Arnold +White</span> in "The Sunday +Chronicle."</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>So that's where they +wear them.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Questioned with reference +to a letter written by +him to Steinhauer, in which +he said, 'The name of the +gentleman in Woolwich +Arsenal is ——,' the prisoner +said that was a false name."—<i>Times</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It's a very silly name +anyway.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"The announcement issued +by the Press Bureau that carrier +pigeons are to be used +officially for certain purposes is an extremely +interesting reversion to what we had regarded +as almost premature ways of carrying news."—<i>Westminster Gazette</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Not so premature as the <span class='smcap'>Wolff</span> method.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>More Information for the Enemy.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p class='center'>"<span class='smcap'>Britain's Sugar Supply.<br /> +Sufficient for Eight Mouths.</span>"—<i>Aberdeen Evening Gazette</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We insist on providing one of them.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Now came the drums and fifes, and now +the blare of the brass instruments, and continuously +the singing of the soldiers of 'Die +Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges <a name='TC_2'></a><ins title="Removed repeated 'of'">of</ins> +Brus-Rhein.'"—<i>Adelaide Advertiser</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>A good song, but (so it has always +struck us) a clumsy title.</p> +<hr /> +<p>Extract from Army Routine Orders, +Expeditionary Force, Nov. 9th:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"It is notified for information that shooting +in the Forest of Clairmarais and certain portions +of the adjacent country is preserved."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Clever Germans are now disguising +themselves as pheasants.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page430' name='page430'></a>[pg 430]</span></div> +<h2>THE PRICE OF PATRIOTISM.</h2> +<p>Helen and I are economising; so +the other evening we dined at the +Rococo.</p> +<p>"That's no economy," you cry; so +let me explain.</p> +<p>In common with most other folk +who are not engaged in the manufacture +of khaki, or rifles, or Army +woollens, or heavy siege-guns (to which +I had not the foresight to turn my +attention before the war came along), +we have found it necessary to adopt +a policy of retrenchment and reform; +and one of our first moves in this +direction was to convert Evangeline +from a daily into a half-daily. Evangeline +is not a newspaper but a domestic +servant, and before the new order was +issued she had been in the habit of +arriving at our miniature flat at 7.30 in +the morning (when it wasn't 8.15), +and retiring at 9 in the evening.</p> +<p>Now, however, Evangeline goes after +lunch, and Helen, who has bought a +shilling cookery book, prepares the +dinner herself.</p> +<p>On the day in question Helen suddenly +decided to spend the afternoon +repairing a week's omissions on the +part of Evangeline. It proved a veritable +labour of Hercules, the flat +being, as Helen with near enough +accuracy gave me to understand, an +"Aegæan stable." Tea-time came, but +brought no tea. Shortly before seven +Helen struck, and declared (this time +without any classical metaphor) that +she wasn't going to cook any dinner +that evening. Not to be outdone, I +affirmed in reply that even if she did +cook it I wasn't going to clear it away. +So we cleaned and adorned ourselves +and groped our way to the Rococo.</p> +<p>We were both too tired to go to the +trouble of choosing our dinner, and it +was therefore that we elected to make +our way through the <i>table-d'hôte</i>, to +which we felt that our appetite, unimpaired +by tea, could do full justice. +Luxuriously we toyed with <i>hors-d'œuvre</i>, +while the orchestra patriotically intimated +that ours is a Land of Hope and +Glory; blissfully we consumed our soup, +undeterred by repeated reminders of +the distance to Tipperary. It was +with the fish that the trouble started.</p> +<p>At the second mouthful it began to +dawn upon me that what the band +was playing was the <i>Brabançonne</i>. I +looked around, and gathered that I +was not alone in the realisation of that +fact; for one by one my fellow-diners +struggled hesitatingly to their feet, and +stood in awkward reverence while the +National Anthem of our brave Belgian +Allies was in course of execution. I +looked at Helen, and Helen looked at +me, and we both tried not to look too +regretfully at our plates as we also +adopted the prevailing pose. Not one +note of that light-hearted anthem did +the orchestra miss, and when it was +over the warmth in our hearts almost +compensated for the coldness of our +fish. We decided to jump at once to +the <i>entrée</i>.</p> +<p>Whatever else may be said of the +<i>Marseillaise</i>, there can be no mistaking +its identity. The first bar sufficed to +bring the whole room to attention, and +a promising dish of sweetbreads shared +the fate of its predecessor. Before the +final crash had ceased to reverberate +we sat down with a thump, resigning +ourselves to the prospect of doing +double justice to the joint. But the +orchestra was not so lightly to be +cheated of its prey. True, we held out +as long as possible while the Russian +Hymn began to unfold its majestic +length, and Helen actually managed to +convey a considerable piece of saddle +of mutton to her mouth while she was +in the very act of rising. That joint, +however, was soon but a memory of +anticipation, and our hunger was still +keen upon us when the funereal strains +of the Japanese Anthem coincided with +the arrival of a wild duck. I had +always harboured secret doubts of the +advisability of Japan's joining in the +War, and now they were intensified +many times. Cold wild duck is an +impossibility even to a hungry man.</p> +<p>Ice-pudding, though scarcely satisfying, +seemed to warrant the expectation +that it would at least survive +whatever further ordeal the band had +in store for us. But that hope too +was doomed to extinction. When +<i>God Save the King</i> smote the air +the growing lethargy of the company +of diners vanished, and all joined with +a will in the recital of all its verses. +In the glow of loyal enthusiasm that +filled the room the ice gradually melted, +and as we surveyed the fluid mess upon +our plates we knew that our dinner +was gone beyond recall.</p> +<p>Weary and unappeased we crept +home through the City of Dreadful +Night. I found a remnant of cold +beef and some pickles in the kitchen, +and on this we went to bed. I slept +but little, and on five occasions watched +Helen, who has dreams, get out of bed +and stand to attention.</p> +<p>Of course it might have been worse; +for the musicians of the Rococo +evidently had not learnt the national +airs of Serbia and Montenegro; and +Portugal had not then been drawn +into the War. But until the trouble is +over I shall avoid restaurants which +harbour an orchestra. As you say, it +is no economy.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>TO MR. BERNARD JAW.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>Illustrious Jester, who in happier days</p> +<p>Amused us with your Prefaces and Plays,</p> +<p>Acquiring a precarious renown</p> +<p>By turning laws and morals upside down,</p> +<p>Sticking perpetual pins in Mrs. Grundy,</p> +<p>Railing at marriage or the British Sunday,</p> +<p>And lavishing your acid ridicule</p> +<p>On the foundations of imperial rule;—</p> +<p>'Twas well enough in normal times to sit</p> +<p>And watch the workings of your wayward wit,</p> +<p>But in these bitter days of storm and stress,</p> +<p>When souls are shown in all their nakedness,</p> +<p>Your devastating egotism stands out</p> +<p>Denuded of the last remaining clout.</p> +<p>You own our cause is just, yet can't refrain</p> +<p>From libelling those who made its justice plain;</p> +<p>You chide the Prussian Junkers, yet proclaim</p> +<p>Our statesmen beat them at their own vile game.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Thus, bent on getting back at any cost</p> +<p>Into the limelight you have lately lost,</p> +<p>And, high above war's trumpets loudly blown</p> +<p>On land and sea, eager to sound your own,</p> +<p>We find you faithful to your ancient plan</p> +<p>Of disagreeing with the average man,</p> +<p>And all because you think yourself undone</p> +<p>Unless in a minority of one.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Vain to the core, thus in the nation's need</p> +<p>You carp and cavil while your brothers bleed,</p> +<p>And while on England vitriol you bestow</p> +<p>You offer balsam to her deadliest foe.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<p>Extract from a commercial traveller's +letter to his chief:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"<span class='smcap'>Dear Sir</span>,—On Wednesday next I want +you to allow me the day off. My wife having +lost her mother is being buried on that date +and I should like to attend the funeral."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>Extract from a child's essay on +<span class='smcap'>Cromwell</span>:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"In his last years, Cromwell grew very +much afraid of plots, and it is said that he +even wore underclothes to protect himself."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We wonder if the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> knows of +this.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page431' name='page431'></a>[pg 431]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/431.png"> +<img src="images/431.png" title="" alt="CARRYING ON." width="100%" /></a> +<h3>CARRYING ON.</h3> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page432' name='page432'></a>[pg 432]</span></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page433' name='page433'></a>[pg 433]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;"> +<a href="images/433.png"> +<img src="images/433.png" title="" alt="The Worst Character" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>The Worst Character in the village (who has repeatedly been pressed by the inhabitants to enlist)</i>. "<span class='smcap'>I dunna believe there ain't no war. I believe it's just a plot to get me out of the village</span>."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE AWAKENING.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>"Here no howitzers speak in stern styles,</p> +<p class='i2'>Light and gay is the leathern bomb,</p> +<p>We pay our sixpences down at the turnstiles,</p> +<p class='i2'>And that is our centre, name of Tom;</p> +<p class='i8'>Wild thunder rolls</p> +<p class='i8'>When he scores his goals,</p> +<p>And up in the air go Alf and Ern's tiles;</p> +<p class='i2'>But what is this rumour of war? Whence cometh it from?"</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>So said Bottlesham, best of cities</p> +<p class='i2'>Watching the ball from seats above.</p> +<p>"Belgium ruined? A thousand pities!</p> +<p class='i2'>Bother the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser's</span> mailéd glove!"</p> +<p class='i8'>But it left no stings</p> +<p class='i8'>When they heard these things,</p> +<p>Though they wept as the brown bird weeps for Itys</p> +<p class='i2'>On the day that the Wanderers whacked them two to love.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Suddenly then the news came flying,</p> +<p class='i2'>"English mariners meet the Dutch,</p> +<p>Tars interned, with the neutrals vieing,</p> +<p class='i2'>Beaten at Gröningen." Wild hands clutch</p> +<p class='i8'>At the evening sheets</p> +<p class='i8'>And the swift pulse beats;</p> +<p>Is the fame of <span class='smcap'>Hawke</span> and <span class='smcap'>Frobisher</span> dying?</p> +<p class='i2'>The heart of the town is stirred by the <span class='smcap'>Nelson</span> touch.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Six—five. It's true. And the tears bedizen</p> +<p class='i2'>The smoke-stained cheeks, and there comes a scream,</p> +<p>"If our English lads in a far-off prison</p> +<p class='i2'>Are matched one day with a German team</p> +<p class='i8'>And the Germans win,</p> +<p class='i8'>They will say in Berlin</p> +<p>That a brighter than all our stars has risen;</p> +<p class='i2'>Will even the Bottlesham Rovers stand supreme?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>"Infantry, cavalry, guard and lancer—</p> +<p class='i2'>Who on that day will bear the brunt,</p> +<p>With twinkling feet like a tip-toe dancer</p> +<p class='i2'>Dribbling about while the half-backs grunt?</p> +<p class='i8'>There is only one</p> +<p class='i8'>Who can vanquish the Hun!"</p> +<p>And Bottlesham town with a cry made answer,</p> +<p class='i2'>"There is only one; we must send our Tom to the front."</p> +</div></div> +<p class='author'><span class='smcap'>Evoe.</span></p> +<hr /> +<h3>A RIVAL OF "TIPPERARY."</h3> +<p>While much has been written of the songs that inspire +our own brave troops on the march, little is heard of those +affected by our Allies.</p> +<p>Happily <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Special Eye-witness with General +Headquarters in the Eastern Area has been enabled to send +us the words of a song which, set to an old Slav air, is +rendered with immense <i>élan</i> by the gallant Russians as +they go into battle. It is as follows:—</p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>It's a hard nut is Cracow,</p> +<p class='i2'>It's a hard nut to crack,</p> +<p>But it's not so hard to crack, oh!</p> +<p class='i2'>When once you've got the knack.</p> +<p>Good-bye, Przemysl;</p> +<p class='i2'>Farewell, Lemberg (Lwow);</p> +<p>It's a hard, hard nut to crack is Cracow,</p> +<p class='i2'>But we'll soon crack it now.</p> +</div></div> +<p>By the more cultured Russian regiments, <i>i.e.</i>, those +recruited in the neighbourhood of the German frontier, the +last line is rendered:—</p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>But we'll crack it right off,</p> +</div></div> +<p>to rhyme with Lvoff—the correct pronunciation of Lwow, +according to a contemporary.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page434' name='page434'></a>[pg 434]</span></div> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<h3><span class='smcap'>King Henry IV., Part I.</span></h3> +<p>I commend Sir <span class='smcap'>Herbert Tree's</span> +obvious desire to do his duty as an +actor-manager and a patriot. His true +intent is all for our good; and he supports +his choice of a play in which +<i>Falstaff</i> is the central obsession by a +printed quotation from the words of +"That Wise Ruler Queen Elizabeth of +England," where she says: "'Tis simple +mirth keepeth high courage alive." +But yet he does not convince me that +he has chosen wisely here. For in the +first place we are not closely interested +in civil war, as we came near to +being in the dim Ulster period; and +patriotism, which it is his object to +encourage, is like to remain unaffected +by a play in which our sympathies +are fairly distributed between rebel and +royalist. In the second place I cannot +believe that the glorification of drunkenness +and braggadocio in the person of +<i>Falstaff</i> can directly assist the cause +(which at this moment needs all the +help it can get) of sobriety and self-respect.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%;"> +<a href="images/434.png"> +<img src="images/434.png" title="" alt="The King" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>The King</i> (Mr. <span class='smcap'>Basil Gill</span>) reclaims young <i>Harry</i> (Mr. <span class='smcap'>Owen Nares</span>) from old <i>Harry</i> (the Devil).</p> +</div> +<p>Having made this protest I have little +but praise for the performance itself, +though I think Sir <span class='smcap'>Herbert Tree's</span> +own lethargy was not wholly to be +excused by the hampering rotundity of +his girth; and that all this deliberate +sword-play, where you wait till your +enemy has got his right guard before +you arrange a concussion between your +weapon and his, fails to impose itself +as an image of War. But it was no +fault of the actors if we suffered a +further loss of actuality by the incredible +amount of fine poetry and rhetoric +thrown off by military men at junctures +calling for immediate action.</p> +<p>I also venture to make my complaint +to the author that the <i>Falstaff</i> scenes +are given too great a dominance, diverting +us from the main issue so long that +at one time we almost lost count of it; +and that the picture of that fat impostor +lying supine in a simulation of death +within a few feet of the fallen body of +the heroic <i>Hotspur</i> was repellent to +one's sense of the proprieties.</p> +<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Matheson Lang</span> was a brave +figure as <i>Hotspur</i>; but, after lately +seeing that other keen actor, Mr. <span class='smcap'>Owen +Nares</span>, in the part of a modern intellectual +discussing the ethics of War, I +could not quite get myself to believe +in him as <i>Prince Hal</i>. He spoke +some of his lines with a fine ardour, +but he was too high-browed and slight +of body, and it was unthinkable that he +could ever have persuaded <i>Hotspur</i> to die +at his hands.</p> +<p>Sir <span class='smcap'>Herbert Tree</span> affected an almost +proprietary interest in the bibulous +humours of <i>Falstaff</i>, presenting them +with an easy and leisurely restraint; +and Mr. <span class='smcap'>Basil Gill</span> both in form +and manner made a quite good <i>King</i>. +The minor parts upheld the standard +of His Majesty's; and a pleasant +rattling of steel and shimmer of mail +ran through the scenes of active service. +Mr. <span class='smcap'>Percy Macquoid</span> had seen +to it that the period was there, and +Mr. <span class='smcap'>Joseph Harker</span> had taken good +care that the jewelry of <span class='smcap'>Shakspeare's</span> +verse should have the right setting, +though I could easily have mistaken +his Gadshill scene for a section of +the Lake Country.</p> +<p class='author'>O. S.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A GRIEVANCE.</h3> +<p>Nothing is too good for our fighting +men. Let my subscription to that +axiom be complete; and yet——</p> +<p>Well, it is like this. A man who is +only a year or so too old for active service, +but feels as fit and keen as a boy, +has so many opportunities for regretting +his enforced civilism and absence +from the arena that it is hard when +additional ones are thrust upon him.</p> +<p>He may do his best at home. He +may guard gasworks, or organise funds, +or campaign as an enlister, or visit the +hospitals; but all the time he is conscious +that being here is so different +from being there. It galls him day +and night, and the only thing that can +help him at all is the society of lovely +women, and now he has lost that!</p> +<p>I hate to grumble, and I have, I believe, +shouldered my share of the new +taxes like a man, but I am not made of +such stern stuff as to be superior to all +human aid, and in my own case the +mortification of non-combating, which +now and then becomes depressingly +acute, is to be alleviated only in this +way. Nice women must do their part.</p> +<p>But do they? No. They did at first, +but no longer.</p> +<p>Let me tell you. The other evening +I found myself one of the complacent +hosts of a party of merry chattering +young women, who seemed to be quite +satisfied with our attention. All of us +were just beginning to be very jolly, +and I had actually forgotten my hard +destiny of inactivity, when who should +come into the room but an officer on +crutches, who happened to be an acquaintance +of each of our guests but was +unknown both to me and my other just +too elderly male friends. In an instant +we were alone, and alone we remained +for certainly half an hour, while every +attention was being paid by our guests +to that other. When at last they tore +themselves away and returned, their +conversation was wholly confined to +their wounded friend's adventures, and +we need not have been there at all, +except to pay the bill.</p> +<p>Now it is no fun to me to deceive +anyone but myself, and hence I shall +not go about with my arm in a sling +and win sympathy and attention to +which I am not entitled; but I do +appeal to all the young women to have +a little pity on some of us compulsory +stay-at-homes. Nothing is too good +for our fighting men. I repeat it. But +just a tiny spark of animation might +be retained in the feminine eye when +it alights upon an old friend who is +debarred from taking arms. Just a +spark, otherwise we shall go into a +melancholy decline.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>Smart Work.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>"Owner gone to the front, friend offers his +Wolseley ... £165, an extraordinary opportunity."—<i>Advt. +in "Autocar."</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>If we were not confident that we should +be wrong in putting upon these words +the sinister interpretation which they +invite, we shouldn't envy the advertiser +when the owner returns.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From verses in <i>Punch</i>, October +21st:—</p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>"We have made progress near to Berry au Bac,</p> +<p>And on our right wing there is nothing new."</p> +</div></div> +<p>From the French official report, +November 12th:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class='center'>"We have also made some progress around Berry au Bac."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>And on the right wing there was +nothing new.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page435' name='page435'></a>[pg 435]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;"> +<a href="images/435.png"> +<img src="images/435.png" title="" alt="UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR." width="100%" /></a> +<h3>UNRECORDED SCENES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE WAR.</h3> +<p class="smcap">Public speakers attend a class for the purpose of learning to pronounce correctly the phrase: "We shall not sheathe the sword until, etc., etc."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>FAN.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>Fan, the hunt terrier, runs with the pack,</p> +<p>A little white bitch with a patch on her back;</p> +<p>She runs with the pack as her ancestors ran—</p> +<p>We're an old-fashioned lot here and breed 'em like Fan;</p> +<p class='i6'>Round of skull, harsh of coat, game and little and low,</p> +<p class='i6'>The same as we bred sixty seasons ago.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>So she's harder than nails, and she's nothing to learn</p> +<p>From her scarred little snout to her cropped little stern,</p> +<p>And she hops along gaily, in spite of her size,</p> +<p>With twenty-four couples of big badger-pyes:</p> +<p class='i6'>'Tis slow, but 'tis sure is the old white and grey,</p> +<p class='i6'>And 'twill sing to a fox for a whole winter day.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Last year at Rook's Rough, just as Ben put 'em in,</p> +<p>'Twas Fan found the rogue who was curled in the whin;</p> +<p>She pounced at his brush with a drive and a snap,</p> +<p>"<i>Yip-Yap</i>, boys," she told 'em, "I've found him, <i>Yip-Yap</i>;"</p> +<p class='i6'>And they put down their noses and sung to his line</p> +<p class='i6'>Away down the valley most tuneful and fine.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>'Twas a point of ten miles and a kill in the dark</p> +<p>That scared the cock pheasants in Fallowfield Park,</p> +<p>And into the worry flew Fan like a shot</p> +<p>And snatched the tit-bit that old Rummage had got;</p> +<p class='i6'><i>Eloop</i>, little Fan with the patch on her back,</p> +<p class='i6'>She broke up the fox with the best of the pack.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<h2>FOR THE CHILDREN.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class='note'>[<i>The Hospital for Sick Children in Great Ormond Street, +where many Belgian children are now being cared for, +is in very urgent need of funds to enable it to maintain +its beneficent work. The Treasurer will gladly receive +and acknowledge any subscriptions that may be sent.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>O generous hearts that freely give,</p> +<p class='i2'>Nor heed the lessening of your store,</p> +<p>So but our well-loved land may live,</p> +<p class='i2'>Much have you given—give once more!</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>For little children spent with toil,</p> +<p class='i2'>For little children worn with pain,</p> +<p>I ask a gift of healing oil—</p> +<p class='i2'>Say, shall I ask for it in vain?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>For, since our days are filled with woe,</p> +<p class='i2'>And all the paths are dark and chill,</p> +<p>This thought may cheer us as we go,</p> +<p class='i2'>And bring us light and comfort still;</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>This, this may stay our faltering feet,</p> +<p class='i2'>And this our mournful minds beguile:—</p> +<p>We helped some little heart to beat</p> +<p class='i2'>And taught some little face to smile.</p> +</div></div> +<p class='author'>R. C. L.</p> +<hr /> +<p>"<span class='smcap'>Monitors at work off Knocke</span>," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, +and by way of reply the Germans knocked off work.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page436' name='page436'></a>[pg 436]</span></div> +<h2>THE PATRIOT.</h2> +<p>This is a true story. Unless you +promise to believe me, it is not much +good my going on.... You promise? +Very well.</p> +<p>Years ago I bought a pianola. I +went into the shop to buy a gramophone +record, and I came out with +a pianola—so golden-tongued was +the manager. You would think that +one could then retire into private life +for a little, but it is only the beginning. +There is the music-stool to be purchased, +the library subscription, the +tuner's fee (four visits a year, if you +please), the cabinet for the rolls, the +man to oil the pedals, the——however, +one gets out of the shop at last. +Nor do I regret my venture. It is +common talk that my pianola was the +chief thing about me which attracted +Celia. "I <i>must</i> marry a man with a +pianola," she said ... and there was +I ... and here, in fact, we are. My +blessings, then, on the golden tongue +of the manager.</p> +<p>Now there is something very +charming in a proper modesty about +one's attainments, but it is necessary +that the attainments should be generally +recognized first. It was admirable +in <span class='smcap'>Stephenson</span> to have said (as +I am sure he did), when they congratulated +him on his first steam-engine, +"Tut-tut, it's nothing;" but +he could only say this so long as the +others were in a position to offer the +congratulations. In order to place you +in that position I must let you know +how extraordinarily well I played the +pianola. I brought to my interpretation +of different Ops an <i>élan</i>, a <i>verve</i>, a <i>je ne +sais quoi</i>—and several other French +words—which were the astonishment of +all who listened to me. But chiefly I +was famous for my playing of one piece: +"The Charge of the Uhlans," by <span class='smcap'>Karl +Bohm</span>. Others may have seen Venice +by moonlight, or heard the Vicar's +daughter recite <i>Little Jim</i>, but the +favoured few who have been present +when <span class='smcap'>Bohm</span> and I were collaborating +are the ones who have really lived. +Indeed, even the coldest professional +critic would have spoken of it as "a +noteworthy rendition."</p> +<p>"The Charge of the Uhlans." If you +came to see me, you had to hear it. As +arranged for the pianola, it was marked +to be played throughout at a lightning +pace and with the loudest pedal on. +So one would play it if one wished to +annoy the man in the flat below; but a +true musician has, I take it, a higher +aim. I disregarded the "FF.'s" and the +other sign-posts on the way, and gave +it my own interpretation. As played +by me, "The Charge of the Uhlans" +became a whole battle scene. Indeed, +it was necessary, before I began, that +I should turn to my audience and +describe the scene to them—in the +manner, but not in the words, of a +Queen's Hall programme:—</p> +<p>"Er—first of all you hear the cavalry +galloping past, and then there's a short +hymn before action while they form up, +and then comes the charge, and then +there's a slow bit while they—er—pick +up the wounded, and then they +trot slowly back again. And if you +listen carefully to the last bit you'll +actually hear the horses limping."</p> +<p>Something like that I would say; +and it might happen that an insufferable +guest (who never got asked again) +would object that the hymn part was +unusual in real warfare.</p> +<p>"They sang it in this piece anyhow," +I would say stiffly, and turn my back +on him and begin.</p> +<p>But the war put a stop to music as +to many other things. For three +months the pianola has not been +played by either of us. There are two +reasons for this: first, that we simply +haven't the time now; and secondly, +that we are getting all the music we +want from the flat below. The flat +below is learning "Tipperary" on one +finger. He gets as far as the farewell +to Leicester Square, and then he breaks +down; the parting is too much for him.</p> +<p>I was not, then, surprised at the +beginning of this month to find Celia +looking darkly at the pianola.</p> +<p>"It's very ugly," she began.</p> +<p>"We can't help our looks," I said in +my grandmother's voice.</p> +<p>"A bookcase would be much prettier +there."</p> +<p>"But not so tuneful."</p> +<p>"A pianola isn't tuneful if you never +play it."</p> +<p>"True," I said.</p> +<p>Celia then became very alluring, and +suggested that I might find somebody +who would like to be lent a delightful +pianola for a year or so by somebody +whose delightful wife had her eye on a +delightful bookcase.</p> +<p>"I might," I said.</p> +<p>"Somebody," said Celia, "who isn't +supplied with music from below."</p> +<p>I found John. He was quite pleased +about it, and promised to return the +pianola when the war was over.</p> +<p>So on Wednesday it went. I was +not sorry, because in its silence it was +far from beautiful, and we wanted +another bookcase badly. But on Tuesday +evening—its last hours with us—I +had to confess to a certain melancholy. +It is sad to part with an old and well-tried +friend, particularly when that +friend is almost entirely responsible +for your marriage. I looked at the +pianola and then I said to Celia, "I +must play it once again."</p> +<p>"Please," said Celia.</p> +<p>"The old masterpiece, I suppose?" +I said, as I got it out.</p> +<p>"Do you think you ought to—now? +I don't think I want to hear a charge +of the Uhlans—beasts; I want a charge +of our own men."</p> +<p>"Art," I said grandly, "knows no +frontiers." I suppose this has been +said by several people several times +already, but for the moment both Celia +and I thought it was rather clever.</p> +<p>So I placed the roll in the pianola, +sat down and began to play....</p> +<p>Ah, the dear old tune....</p> +<p>Dash it all!</p> +<p>"What's happened?" said Celia, +breaking a silence which had become +alarming.</p> +<p>"I must have put it in wrong," I +said.</p> +<p>I wound the roll off, put it in again, +and tried a second time, pedalling +vigorously.</p> +<p>Dead silence....</p> +<p>Hush! A note ... another silence +... and then another note....</p> +<p>I pedalled through to the end. About +five notes sounded.</p> +<p>"Celia," I said, "this is wonderful."</p> +<p>It really was wonderful. For the +first time in its life my pianola refused +to play "The Charge of the Uhlans." +It had played it a hundred times while +we were at peace with Germany, but +when we were at war—no!</p> +<p>We had to have a farewell piece. +I put in a waltz, and it played it perfectly. +Then we said good-bye to our +pianola, feeling a reverence for it which +we had never felt before.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>You don't believe this? Yet you +promised you would ... and I still +assure you that it is true. But I +admit that the truth is sometimes hard +to believe, and the first six persons to +whom I told the story assured me +frankly that I was a liar. If one is to +be called a liar, one may as well make +an effort to deserve the name. I made +an effort, therefore, with the seventh +person.</p> +<p>"I put in 'The Charge of the +Uhlans,'" I said, "and it played 'God +Save the King.'"</p> +<p>Unfortunately he was a very patriotic +man indeed, and he believed it. So +that is how the story is now going +about. But you who read this know +the real truth of the matter.</p> +<p class='author'>A. A. M.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>Things worth waiting for.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>"Other pictures are announced, among +them 'Trilby,' with Sir H. Beerbohm Tree in +the title-rôle."—<i>Blackheath Local Guide</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page437' name='page437'></a>[pg 437]</span></div> +<h2>THE TRUTH ABOUT ——.</h2> +<h3>Facsimile sketches by our Special Correspondent at ——.</h3> +<div class="center"> +<table summary="comics" border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0"> +<colgroup span="2" width="49%" /> + <tr valign="bottom"><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-1.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-1.png" title="" alt="panel 1" /></a> + <p class="smcap">For three days —— lay wounded.</p> +</div> +</td><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-2.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-2.png" title="" alt="panel 2" /></a> + <p class="smcap">Was picked up by —— and placed in passing wagon</p> + </div> +</td></tr> + <tr valign="bottom"><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-3.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-3.png" title="" alt="panel 3" /></a> + <p class="smcap">Discovered therein a quantity of hidden ——.</p> +</div> +</td><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-4.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-4.png" title="" alt="panel 4" /></a> + <p class="smcap">The expression on the driver's face told him ——.</p> + </div> +</td></tr> + <tr valign="bottom"><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-5.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-5.png" title="" alt="panel 5" /></a> + <p class="smcap">After a desperate struggle he overcame the driver and drove wagon to ——.</p> +</div> +</td><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-6.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-6.png" title="" alt="panel 6" /></a> + <p class="smcap">He found the village damaged. The above sketch gives the exact positions of —— and ——. To the right of the —— can be seen the ruins of the ——.</p> + </div> +</td></tr> + <tr valign="bottom"><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-7.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-7.png" title="" alt="panel 7" /></a> + <p class="smcap">Ignoring the ——'s fire he ran for several miles;</p> +</div> +</td><td> +<div class="figcenter iesize"> + <a href="images/437-8.png"><img class="iesize" src="images/437-8.png" title="" alt="panel 8" /></a> + <p class="smcap">and came face to face with —— who said —— ——.</p> + </div> +</td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page438' name='page438'></a>[pg 438]</span></div> +<h2><span class="medium">To the Memory</span><br /> +<span class="smaller">of</span><br /> +<span class="muchlarger">Field-Marshal Earl Roberts</span><br /> +<span class="smaller">of Kandahar and Pretoria.</span></h2> +<p class='center'><span class='smcap'>Born, 1832. Died, on service at the front, Nov. 14th, 1914.</span></p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>He died, as soldiers die, amid the strife,</p> +<p class='i2'>Mindful of England in his latest prayer;</p> +<p>God, of His love, would have so fair a life</p> +<p class='i8'>Crowned with a death as fair.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>He might not lead the battle as of old,</p> +<p class='i2'>But, as of old, among his own he went,</p> +<p>Breathing a faith that never once grew cold,</p> +<p class='i8'>A courage still unspent.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>So was his end; and, in that hour, across</p> +<p class='i2'>The face of War a wind of silence blew,</p> +<p>And bitterest foes paid tribute to the loss</p> +<p class='i8'>Of a great heart and true.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>But we who loved him, what have we to lay</p> +<p class='i2'>For sign of worship on his warrior-bier?</p> +<p>What homage, could his lips but speak to-day,</p> +<p class='i8'>Would he have held most dear?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Not grief, as for a life untimely reft;</p> +<p class='i2'>Not vain regret for counsel given in vain;</p> +<p>Not pride of that high record he has left,</p> +<p class='i8'>Peerless and pure of stain;</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>But service of our lives to keep her free,</p> +<p class='i2'>The land he served; a pledge above his grave</p> +<p>To give her even such a gift as he,</p> +<p class='i8'>The soul of loyalty, gave.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>That oath we plight, as now the trumpets swell</p> +<p class='i2'>His requiem, and the men-at-arms stand mute,</p> +<p>And through the mist the guns he loved so well</p> +<p class='i8'>Thunder a last salute!</p> +</div></div> +<p class='author'>O. S.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page439' name='page439'></a>[pg 439]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/439.png"> +<img src="images/439.png" title="" alt="A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY." width="100%" /></a> +<h3>A PATTERN OF CHIVALRY.</h3> +<p style="text-indent: 0">THIS WAS THE HAPPY WARRIOR. THIS WAS HE<br />THAT EVERY MAN IN ARMS SHOULD WISH TO BE.</p> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page440' name='page440'></a>[pg 440]</span></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page441' name='page441'></a>[pg 441]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;"> +<a href="images/441-1.png"> +<img src="images/441-1.png" title="" alt="Mr. Spenlow Asquith explains" width="100%" /></a> +<p class="smcap">Mr. Spenlow Asquith explains to Master Walter Long that "state of things complained of is entirely due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincaré."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p class='center'>(<span class='smcap'>Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P</span>.)</p> +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, 16th +November.</i>—"Let us think imperially," +said <span class='smcap'>Don José</span> in a famous phrase. +Just now we are thinking in millions. +Suppose it's somewhere about the +same thing. Anyhow <span class='smcap'>Premier</span> to-day +announced with pardonable pride that +we are spending a trifle under a million +a day in the war forced upon mankind +by the Man Forsworn. To meet necessities +of case he asked for further Vote +of Credit for 225 millions and an addition +of a million men to Regular Army.</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 40%;"> +<a href="images/441-2.png"> +<img src="images/441-2.png" title="" alt="Wedgwood Benn s'en va-t-en guerre." width="100%" /></a> +<p class="smcap">Wedgwood Benn s'en va-t-en guerre.</p> +</div> +<p>Here was a chance for a great speech. +Never before had English Minister submitted +such stupendous propositions. +Some of us remember how, thirty-six +years ago, <span class='smcap'>Dizzy</span>, by way of threat to +Russia, then at war with Turkey, created +profound sensation in town and +country by asking for Vote of Credit +for six millions. At close of Boer War +<span class='smcap'>Hicks-Beach</span>, then Chancellor of +Exchequer, launched a War Loan of +30 millions. 'Twas thought at the +time that we were going it, taking +a long stride towards national Bankruptcy +Court. Now it is 225 millions +in supplement of a hundred millions +voted in August. Moreover, the two +together do not carry us further than end +of financial year, 31st of March. Then +we shall begin again with another trifle of +same dimensions or probably increased.</p> +<p>How Mr. G., had he still been with +us, would have revelled in opportunity +for delivering an oration planned to +scale! How his eloquence would have +glowed over these fantastic figures! +<span class='smcap'>Herbert Henry Asquith</span> (had he been +consulted at the font, he would certainly +have objected to useless waste of time +involved in a second baptismal name) +spoke for less than quarter of an +hour, submitting proposals in baldest, +most business-like fashion. He wanted +the men and he wanted the money too. +Fewer words spoken the sooner he +would get them. So, avoiding tropes +and flights of eloquence, he just stood +at Table, a sort of humanized ledger, +briefly set forth items of his account, +totalled them up and sat down.</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Walter Long</span>, following, voiced general +dislike for prohibition that keeps +War Correspondents out of fighting +line in Flanders. Deprecated risk of +circulating information useful to the +enemy, but insisted, amid cheers from +both sides, that there might be published +letters from the front free from +such danger "that would bring comfort +and solace to the people and would do +more to attract recruits than bands and +flag-parading throughout the country."</p> +<p>Speaking later in reply, Mr. Spenlow +<span class='smcap'>Asquith</span>, while sympathising with +<span class='smcap'>Walter Long's</span> desire, explained that +state of things complained of is entirely +due to Monsieur Jorkins Poincaré.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page442' name='page442'></a>[pg 442]</span></div> +<p>"We are not free agents in this +matter," he said. "We must regulate +our proceedings by the proceedings of +our Allies."</p> +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Vote of Credit for +225 million and authority to raise another +million men for Army agreed to +without dissent.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Lords and Commons +united in paying tribute to the life, +lamenting the death, of Lord <span class='smcap'>Roberts—"Bobs,"</span> +beloved of the Army, revered +in India, mourned throughout +the wide range of Empire. Even in +Germany, where hatred of all that is +English has become a monomania, exception +is made in his favour. "There +are moments," writes a sportsman in +the German Press, "when the +warrior salutes the enemy with +his sword instead of striking with +it. Such a moment came with the +death of Lord Roberts."</p> +<p>Speeches in both Houses worthy +of the occasion. Brief, simple, +genuine in emotion, they were well +attuned to the theme. One of the +happiest things said was uttered +by <span class='smcap'>Bonar Law</span>: "In his simplicity, +in his modesty, in his high-minded +uprightness, and in his stern detestation +of everything mean and +base, Lord <span class='smcap'>Roberts</span> was in real +life all, and more than all, that +<i>Colonel Newcome</i> was in fiction."</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Premier</span> proposed that on Monday +House shall authorise erection +of monument at the public charge +to the memory of the Great Soldier. +When motion formally put from +Chair heads were bared in farewell +salute of the warrior taking his rest.</p> +<p>Not the least touching note of +eloquence was supplied during proceedings +in House of Lords. It was +the empty seat at the corner of the +Front Cross Bench where on rare occasions +stood the lithe erect figure, in +stature not quite so high as <span class='smcap'>Napoleon</span>, +modestly offering words of counsel.</p> +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class='smcap'>Chancellor of +Exchequer</span>, presenting himself to +favourable consideration of crowded +House in homely character of coalheaver +filling bunkers of a battleship, +introduced second Budget of the year. +Upon consideration House comes to +conclusion that one is quite enough, +thank you. Proposals in Supplementary +Budget are what <i>Dominic Sampson</i> +might, with more than customary +appropriateness and emphasis, describe +as "Prodigious!" Faced by deficiency +of something over three-hundred-and-thirty-nine-and-a-half +millions, +<span class='smcap'>Chancellor</span> launches War Loan of +two hundred and thirty millions and +levies additional fifteen-and-a-half +millions in taxation.</p> +<p><i>Items:</i> Income Tax doubled; threepence +a pound added to tea; a halfpenny +clapped on price of every modest half-pint +of beer consumed.</p> +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Monotony of truce in +respect of Party politics varied by +wholesome heartening game. It consists +of hunting down the German spies +and chivying the <span class='smcap'>Home Secretary</span>. +Played in both Houses to-night. In +the Lords <span class='smcap'>Halsbury</span> attempted to +make Lord <span class='smcap'>Chancellor's</span> flesh creep +by disclosure of existence of "ingenious +system of correspondence" carried on +between alien spies and their paymaster +in Berlin. <span class='smcap'>Haldane</span> replied that the +matter had been closely investigated; +turned out there was "nothing in it." +<span class='smcap'>Crawford</span> fared no better. Imperturbable +<span class='smcap'>Lord Chancellor</span> assured House +that the military and civil authorities +in Scotland were cognisant of rumours +reported by noble Lord. Every +case that seemed to warrant investigation +had been looked into. Was found +that many were based on hearsay. +Impossible to find evidence to establish +charges made.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width: 40%;"> +<a href="images/442.png"> +<img src="images/442.png" title="" alt="The Chancellor of the Exchequer" width="100%" /></a> +<p class="smcap">The Chancellor of the Exchequer "in homely character of coalheaver filling bunkers of a battleship."</p> +</div> +<p>Nevertheless, <span class='smcap'>Londonderry</span>, having +dispassionately thought the matter over, +came to conclusion that conduct of <span class='smcap'>Home +Secretary</span> was "contemptible."</p> +<p>This opinion, phrased in differing +form, shared on Opposition Benches in +Commons. <span class='smcap'>Premier</span> explained that +business of dealing with aliens is not +concentrated in Home Office; is shared +with the War Office and the Admiralty. +Of late, on suggestion of Committee +of Imperial Defence, there has been +established at War Office an Intelligence +Department in correspondence +with the Admiralty and assured of +assistance of the Home Office wherever +necessary.</p> +<p>That all very well. Hon. Members +and noble Lords in Opposition not to +be disturbed in their honest conviction +that <span class='smcap'>McKenna</span> is at the bottom of the +bad business.</p> +<p><i>Business done.</i>—On suggestion of +<span class='smcap'>Bonar Law</span> and on motion of <span class='smcap'>Premier</span> +Select Committee appointed to consider +scheme of pensions and grants for men +wounded in the war, and for the widows +and orphans of those who have lost +their lives.</p> +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Like <span class='smcap'>Marlbrook, Wedgwood +Benn</span> <i>s'en va-t-en guerre</i>. Has +sallied out with a troop of Middlesex +Hussars to "join our army in +Flanders," where, according to contemporary +testimony, once upon a +time it "swore terribly." His +Parliamentary services, supplemented +by the Chairmanship of +Committee controlling disposition +of National Relief Fund, might +seem sufficient to keep him at +home. But valour, like murder, +will out. So, as old <i>John Willett</i>, +landlord of the Maypole Inn, Chigwell, +used to say when asked of the +whereabouts of his son, "he has +gone to the Salwanners, where the +war is," carrying with him the +good wishes of all sections of House +and an exceptionally full knowledge +of the intricacies of the +Insurance Act.</p> +<p>Many gaps on Benches on both +sides. <span class='smcap'>Sark</span> tells me there are +seven-score Members on active +service at the Front. One of the +first to go was <span class='smcap'>Seely</span>, at brief +interval stepping from position of +Head of British Army to that of a +unit in its ranks.</p> +<p>News of him came the other day +from Private <span class='smcap'>James White</span>, of the +Inniskilling Fusiliers, now in hospital +at Belfast. Wounded by fragments of +a shell, <span class='smcap'>White</span> lay for an hour where +he fell. Then he felt a friendly hand +on his shoulder and a cheery voice +asked how he was getting on.</p> +<p>It was Colonel <span class='smcap'>Seely</span> bending over +him, regardless of heavy shell fire +directed on the spot by German batteries. +He gave the wounded Fusilier +a cigarette, helped him to get up and +assisted him to his motor-car, in which he +had all day been engaged in conveying +wounded to French hospital in the rear.</p> +<p>"He is the bravest man I ever met," +said Private <span class='smcap'>James White</span>. "He was +as cool as the morning under fire, +cheering us all up with smiles and +little jokes."</p> +<p><i>Business done:</i>—Report of Supply.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page443' name='page443'></a>[pg 443]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;"> +<a href="images/443.png"> +<img src="images/443.png" title="" alt="THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE." width="100%" /></a> +<h3>THE AIRCRAFT CRAZE.</h3> +<p class="smcap">"Ullo, you fellers! Wot yer come down for? More petrol?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>A RECRUITING BALLAD.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class='note'>[Recruiting in country districts is languishing because the folk hear nothing of their regiments, and local attachment is very strong. +Unfortunately this ballad had to be founded on material supplied by the C——r. However, the permitted references to Germans ought +at any rate to convince the public that the ballad has no connection whatever with the late Boer War.]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>This is the tale of the Blankshires bold, the famous charge they made;</p> +<p>This is the tale of the deeds they did whose glory never will fade;</p> +<p>They only numbered <i>X</i> hundred men and the German were thousands (<i>Y</i>),</p> +<p>Yet on the battlefield of <i>Z</i> they made the foeman fly.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Calm and cool on the field they stood (near a town—I can't say where);</p> +<p>Some of them hugged their rifles close but none of them turned a hair;</p> +<p>The Colonel (I must suppress his name) looked out on the stubborn foe,</p> +<p>And said, "My lads, we must drive them hence, else <i>A</i> + <i>B</i> will go."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Then each man looked in his neighbour's face and laughed with sudden glee</p> +<p>(The Briton fights his very best for algebra's formulæ);</p> +<p>The hostile guns barked loud and sharp (their number I cannot give),</p> +<p>And no one deemed the Blankety Blanks could face that fire and live.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>For Colonel O. was struck by a shell and wounded was Major Q.,</p> +<p>And half a hostile army corps came suddenly into view;</p> +<p>And hidden guns spat death at them and airmen hovered to kill,</p> +<p>But the Blankety Blanks just opened their ranks and charged an (unnamed) hill.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Half of their number fell on the hill ere they reached the German trench;</p> +<p>Général J—— cried out: "Très bon"; "Not half," said Marshal F——;</p> +<p>An angry Emperor shook his fist and at his legions raved,</p> +<p>And then (the C——r lets me say) the cheery Blankshires shaved.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Rally, O rally, ye Blankshire men, rally to fill the gaps;</p> +<p>Seek victories (all unknown to us), bear (well-suppressed) mishaps;</p> +<p>And when you've made a gallant charge and pierced the angry foe</p> +<p>Your names won't get to your people at home, but <span class='smcap'>Buckmaster</span> will know.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page444' name='page444'></a>[pg 444]</span></div> +<h2>OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.</h2> +<h3>II.</h3> +<p>The truth is that the Belgians in +Crashie Howe are enjoying a <i>succès fou</i>. +There is the enterprising Marie, who +thinks nothing of going off on her +own, on the strength of an English +vocabulary only a fortnight old, overwhelming +the stationmaster and boarding +an ambulance train full of wounded +Belgians at the local station to ask for +news of her brothers. (We were all +delighted when an adventurous letter +miraculously arrived from the Pas +de Calais on Saturday and reported +that both brothers were well and +unwounded.) There is Victor, who, +although only thirteen, is already a +<i>pupille d'armée</i> and has a uniform quite +as good as any fighting man. I can +tell you he has put our Boy Scouts in +the shade. But Victor is afraid the +war will be over before he is old enough +to get at it.</p> +<p>Then, again, there is the small +Juliette, who is dark, with a comfortable +little face constructed almost entirely of +dimples, and, at the age of eight, has +been discovered knitting stockings at +a prodigious pace while she looked +the other way. I am afraid Juliette +is being held up as an example to +other children of the neighbourhood, +but I think her great popularity may +well survive even that. And there is +Louis, who is a marvel at making bird-cages, +and Rosalie, whose pride is in +the shine of her pots and pans. They +are all doing well.</p> +<p>Rosalie, it is true, has had a fearful +bout of toothache, so bad that she had +to retire to bed for a day. When +Dr. Anderson, whose French is very +good, had successfully diagnosed the +trouble and told her that the only cure +was to have the tooth out, she plaintively +replied that she had thought of +that herself, but, alas, it was impossible, +for "it was too firmly implanted." +For my part I sympathised with +Rosalie—I have often felt like that.</p> +<p>The grandmother rather likes to sit +apart, beaming, far from the general +throng, and it was for that reason that +I selected her at the very outset to +practise on in private. I tried her +more than once in my sadly broken +French; I even went further and tried +her in rapidly-improvised Flemish. +Whenever I felt I was at my best I +used to go and have a turn at her, and, +although she smiled at me like anything +and was awfully pleased, I never +elicited the slightest response. Now I +know that she is almost stone deaf +and hasn't heard a word I have said. +As I came sadly away after this discovery +there occurred to my mind the +story of him who undertook to train +a savage in the arts of civilization, +only to learn, after some years of disappointing, +unrequited toil, that his +victim was not only a savage but also +a lunatic. I don't mean that to be +disrespectful to <i>Grandmère</i>—it is only +a parallel instance of good work thrown +away.</p> +<p>We are learning a good deal that is +new about the art of knitting. One +thing is that the Flemish knitter +cannot get on at all comfortably unless +the needles are long enough to +tuck under her arms. I may safely +say that I never dreamt of that. At +first they fumbled about unhappily +with our miserable little needles, but +the ship's carpenter—who makes the +bird-cages—has found quite an ingenious +way out. He has mounted +all the needles at the end of a sort of +stilt or leg of cane (like a bayonet), and +since this innovation they are working +at a speed which, even in these days +of universal knitting, would be pretty +hard to beat.</p> +<p>The children are really getting on +famously at school. A very touching +little romance was enacted there one +day. Eugène and Pierre, belonging to +different families, arrived in our midst +on different days and did not chance +to meet each other at first. At school +they happened to be put, away from +their compatriots, in the same room. +Eugène is eight and Pierre seven. It +was, you may well guess, pretty lonely +work for a small Belgian in a roomful +of Scotch boys, but both bore up +bravely. The subject, as I understand, +was simple addition (which knows no +frontiers and looks the same in any +language), and there is no whispering +or secret conversation in our school, I +can tell you. There they sat side by +side for two hours, each contemplating +the other as an alien, each smothering +pent-up feelings of home-sickness. And +then suddenly, at a single Flemish word +from the schoolmaster, the moment of +revelation came; it dawned on both of +them at once that they were not alone, +and, rising to their feet, they embraced +with tears of joy.</p> +<p>"Broeder!" cried Eugène.</p> +<p>"Broeder!" echoed Pierre.</p> +<p>That was nearly a week ago. By +now Pierre is beginning to treat Eugène +in a slightly off-hand manner. He has +hardly time for him. He has so many +Scotch friends.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"During the night a terrific gale raged in +Manchester and surrounding districts, hail +and sleet being accompanied by a torrential +rainfall varied by Pendleton, Eccles, Seedley +and other lightning."—<i>People</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>"Eccles lightning is the best."—(<i>Advt.</i>).</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE IMMORTAL LEGEND.</h3> +<p>In the House of Commons on November +18, Mr. <span class='smcap'>King</span> asked the <span class='smcap'>Under-Secretary +for War</span> whether he could +state, without injury to the military +interests of the Allies, whether any +Russian troops had been conveyed +through Great Britain to the Western +area of the European War.</p> +<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Tennant's</span> reply:—"I am uncertain +whether it will gratify or displease +my hon. friend to know that no Russian +troops have been conveyed through +Great Britain to the Western area of +the European War."</p> +<p>The firm and faithful believers in this +beautiful tale are not to be put off so +easily as that, and there are so many +thousands of faces to be saved, and such +numbers of ear- (if not eye-) witnesses +of the undying exploit, that we really +must see if there is not after all some +loophole in the official pronouncement. +Let us pause for further scrutiny and +meditations.</p> +<p>Why, of course, here it is. The +<span class='smcap'>Under-Secretary</span> merely states his +imperfect knowledge of the bias of Mr. +<span class='smcap'>King</span>. He does not know whether his +questioner is one of the ardent souls +who are ready to pass along and adorn +the latest legend from the Clubs, or a +cold-blooded sceptic fit only to be a +Censor.</p> +<p>No, we are not to be done out of our +Russians by any mere <span class='smcap'>Under-Secretary +for War</span>; certainly not one who +is capable of such prevarication. And +anyhow, why should the Germans do +all the story-telling?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE WILD AND WOOLLY WEST END.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>"<span class='smcap'>A Protest.</span>—Is there any reason why the +War should be made an excuse for the +abandonment of the niceties of life? Dining +at a West-End restaurant nowadays one might +well imagine oneself in America, from the +variety and incongruity of the dress of the +male patrons."—<i>Advt. in "The Times."</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>We fear that the protest is only too +well justified. Indeed, much more +might be revealed were it not for the +heavy hand of the C——r. Our special +representative reports:—</p> +<p>To the O.C., <i>Punch</i> Battalion, +Bouverie Brigade, Fleet Division, E.C., +of London Reserves.</p> +<p class='center'><i>A City on the river T——s.<br /> +Nov. the —teenth.</i></p> +<p>Carrying out your order No. <span class='smcap'>69a</span>, +I made a night <a name='TC_3'></a><ins title="Was 'reconnaisance'">reconnaissance</ins> in +force. I have the honour to report that +at dinner at a certain hotel two hundred +yards east by north of railway base +C——g X, I counted only five boiled +shirts. Have reason to suspect that +<span class='pagenum'><a id='page445' name='page445'></a>[pg 445]</span> +they were subsidised by the management, +and were worn by Stock Exchange +members thrown out of employment +by the War and endeavouring to +supplement their private incomes.</p> +<p>The rest of the male costumes were +mainly khaki. One man entered +dining-room with Buffalo Bill hat +decorated with maple-leaf and A.M.S. +(Athabasca Mounted Scalpers), which +he deposited on chair next to him. +The only nut present endeavoured to +remove this object. The A.M.S. man +touched his hip-pocket significantly, +and said: "The drinks are on you."</p> +<p>At the table next to him was a group +of South American magnates in tweed +suits decorated with large buttons reading: +"<i>No me habla de la guerra!</i>" If +the man from Athabasca should start +conversation with them about the war, +it seemed probable that gun-fighting +would ensue. I therefore enfiladed the +position and took cover. However, the +sergeant-waiter tactfully shifted a palm +into screening position between the two +tables, and thus averted the spreading +of the War to Latin America.</p> +<p>Similar state of affairs existed in +stalls of certain theatre within outpost +distance of P——y C——s. Ladies +were openly knitting socks and intimate +woollen garments between the Acts. +Management seemed powerless to restore +the conventions of peace-time.</p> +<p>At the C——n Tavern the bar-tender +had pasted notice on mirror behind him: +"This Saloon closes at ten sharp. +Gents are kindly requested not to start +nothing here." The announcement +seemed to have been effective, for very +few bullet-marks were to be noted.</p> +<p>By midnight, L——r S——e and +R——t S——t were comparatively +clear of dagos. This was due to efforts +of street-cleaning corps (3rd County of +L——n Light Hose).</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;"> +<a href="images/445.png"> +<img src="images/445.png" title="" alt="Recruiting Officer" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>Recruiting Officer (to brawny pitman who has just passed his medical examination)</i>. <span class='smcap'>"What regiment do you wish to join?"</span></p> +<p><i>Pitman</i>. <span class='smcap'>"I don't care."</span></p> +<p><i>Officer</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Sure you have no preference?"</span></p> +<p><i>Pitman</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Well, put me in one o' them that spikes the beggars."</span></p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE NEW ANÆSTHETIC.</h3> +<p class='center'><span class='smcap'>Remarkable Discovery.<br /> +Medical Science Superseded.</span></p> +<p>A correspondent in whose accuracy +we place the highest trust informs us +of very remarkable results which have +been achieved by the adoption of a new +means of alleviating pain and suffering +invented by a lady in London. This +lady being suddenly taken with lumbago +was in great agony until she remembered +our soldiers at the front, and +thought how much worse was a wound, +and instantly, our correspondent is +informed, some of her own distress left +her. The case has been investigated by +several eminent inquirers and they are +satisfied with her story.</p> +<p>Meanwhile evidence of a similar +nature comes from other parts of the +country, in every case recording a +sense of personal well-being, though +only comparative, and an increased +disinclination to complain, upon the +realisation of what it must be to be a +soldier just now—whether up to his +knees in a flooded trench, or sleeping +on the wet ground, or lying in agony +waiting to be picked up and taken to a +hospital, or being taken to a hospital +over jolting roads, or going without +meals, or having to boil tea over a +candle-flame, or awakening from the +operation and finding himself maimed +for life.</p> +<p>Nor is the lenitive of this little effort +of imagination confined to bodily ills; +for a well-authenticated case reaches +us of a notoriously mean man of wealth +who was not heard to utter a single +word of grumbling over the new war +taxes after realising what the soldier's +burden was too. Hence <i>Mr. Punch</i> is +only too happy to give publicity to the +discovery.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>The Spy Danger.</h3> +<p>Extract from a letter written by an +East Coast resident:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The authorities are now looking for a grey +motor-car, driven by a woman, who is thought +to have a wireless apparatus inside."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>R.A.M.C. forward, please.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;"> +<a href="images/446.png"> +<img src="images/446.png" title="" alt="The Sentimentalist" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>The Sentimentalist (who has received socks from England)</i>. "<span class='smcap'>She loves me; she loves me not.</span>"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page446' name='page446'></a>[pg 446]</span></div> +<h2>THE LAST BOTTLE.</h2> +<p>I had been drilling all the morning, +and had spent the whole of the afternoon +squirming face downwards on the +moist turf of Richmond Park in an +endeavour to advance, as commanded, +in extended order. In the morning—that +is during compressed drill—I had +been twice wounded. Owing to lack +of education a famous novelist had +confused his left hand with his right, +with the result that when we were right-turned +he had dealt me a terrific blow +on the ear with the barrel +of his rifle. It soon +ceased to be an ear, and +became of the size and +consistency of a muffin. +My second casualty was +brought about by a well-known +orchestral conductor, +who however +confidently he could pilot +his players through the +most complicated Symphonic +Poem was invariably +out of his depth +whenever, the ranks being +turned about, he was +required to form fours. +His manœuvre that +morning had been a wild +and undisciplined fugue, +culminating in an unconventional +<i>stretto</i> upon an +exceedingly dominant +pedal-point, that is to +say, his heel on my toe.</p> +<p>Consequently when I +arrived home in the +evening, wet, soiled, +hungry and maimed, I +felt that I needed a +little artificial invigoration. +A bright idea occurred +to me as I was +waiting for the bath to +fill.</p> +<p>"Joan," I cried, "don't +you think I might open Johann to-night?" +Joan, who had been trying to +decide whether it would not be more +advisable to have my sweater dyed +a permanent shot-green and brown, +demurred.</p> +<p>"I thought your anti-German conscience +would not permit you to open +Johann until after the war's over," she +called back.</p> +<p>"My anti-German conscience has +been severely wounded," I replied. "It +hasn't sufficient strength to hold out +much longer. In a few seconds it will +surrender unconditionally."</p> +<p>"Be brave," urged Joan. "Just +think how proud you will be in days to +come when you look back to this +evening and realise how, in the face of +the most terrible temptations, you +triumphed!"</p> +<p>"That's all very fine," I remarked, +"but to-night I feel I need Johann +medicinally. If I don't have him, there +may be <i>no</i> days to come. Do be +reasonable. Do you suppose that if +the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span>, for instance, were bitten +by a mad dog—a real one, I mean—that +his anti-Ally conscience would forbid +his adoption of the Pasteur treatment?"</p> +<p>"Then if you really feel the need +of a special refresher," said Joan, "at +least let me send Phœbe out for a +bottle of some friendly or neutral +substitute."</p> +<p>A vivid recollection of Phœbe's being +despatched once before in an emergency +for mustard and returning with custard +flashed through my mind.</p> +<p>"She's much too unreliable," I cried. +"She'd get bay rum, or something +equally futile. It must be Johann or +nothing."</p> +<p>"Then," said Joan, "let us say +nothing"—an ambiguity of which I +determined to take full advantage.</p> +<p>Johann, I must now explain, was the +sole survivor of six small bottles of the +genuine Rhine brand which Joan's +uncle (who is in the trade) had given +her last Christmas. Number Five had +been opened on the evening of August +Bank Holiday after a strenuous day on +the tennis courts. Later, when hostilities +had started all round I had taken +a terrible oath that nothing of German +or Austrian origin should be used in our +household until Peace broke out. This +necessitated the sacrifice of at least four +inches of breakfast sausage and the +better part of a box of Carlsbad plums. +Johann, being intact, was merely interned. +But at that time I had not +anticipated that some three months +later I should be exhausted by long +and tiring drills and manœuvres.</p> +<p>However, on this night +my body cried aloud for +Johann's refreshing contents. +I did not care +two pins that he had +been manufactured on +the banks of the Rhine, +or that he was the product +of alien and hostile +hands. After all, it +wasn't Johann's fault; +and besides, surely he +had been long enough +in England to become +naturalised. At any rate +it was both prejudiced +and illogical to assume +that Johann was my +enemy solely because he +happened to be born in +Germany.</p> +<p>The bath took some +time to fill. The taps, I +think, wanted sweeping. +But during the time that +elapsed I made up my +mind. Johann should be +opened. I slipped on +my dressing-gown and +went in search of him. +When I had secured him +I met Joan on the landing; +she was just going +down to dinner.</p> +<p>"Haven't you had +your bath yet?" she +asked. "Hurry up and—oh! you've +got Johann!"</p> +<p>"Yes," I said. "I have decided +that there is no evidence to prove that +he is not a naturalised British bottle. +I am going to open him."</p> +<p>"You renegade!" Joan cried. "If +you dare so much as to loosen his cork +I'll—I'll give you an Iron Cross."</p> +<p>"I'm desperate," I answered. "I +would still open Johann even if you +threatened me with the Iron Cross of +both the first and the second class."</p> +<p>"Coward!" said Joan. "Still, if +you're really determined to open him, +remember half belongs to me."</p> +<p>A moment later I had poured half +the contents of Johann—his full name +is Johann Maria Farina—into my bath.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page447' name='page447'></a>[pg 447]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;"> +<a href="images/447.png"> +<img src="images/447.png" title="" alt="This be a terrible war, Doctor." width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>She</i>. <span class='smcap'>"This be a terrible war, Doctor."</span></p> +<p><i>He</i>. <span class='smcap'>"It is, indeed."</span></p> +<p><i>She</i>. <span class='smcap'>"It's a pity someone don't catch that there old Kruger."</span></p> +<p><i>He</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Ah, you mean the Kaiser."</span></p> +<p><i>She</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Aw—changed his name, has he—deceitful old varmint?"</span></p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class='center'>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> +<p>In <i>The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman</i> (<span class='smcap'>Macmillan</span>) that +impenitent pamphleteer, <span class='smcap'>H. G. Wells</span>, returns yet again to +the intriguing subject of marriage, and in a vein something +nearer orthodoxy. Not, certainly, that worthy stubborn +orthodoxy of accepted unquestioned doctrine, or that sleeker +variety of middle-aged souls that were once young, now +too tired or bored to go on asking questions, but an orthodoxy +rather that is honest enough to revise on the +evidence earlier judgments as too cocksure and hasty. <i>Sir +Isaac Harman</i> was a tea-shop magnate, and a very pestilent +and primitive cad who caught his wife young and poor and +battered her into reluctant surrender by a stormy wooing, +whose very sincerity and abandonment were but a frantic +expression of his dominating egotism and acquisitiveness. +Wooing and winning, thinks this simple ignoble knight, is +a thing done once and for all. Remains merely obedience +in very plain and absolute terms on the part of lady to +lord, obedience which, in the last resort, can be exacted by +withholding supplies—not so uncommon a form of blackmail +as it suits the dominant sex to imagine. <i>Lady +Harman's</i> emancipation does not take the conventionally +unconventional form, for some deeper reason, I think, than +that her sententious friend and would-be lover, <i>George +Brumley</i>, could not altogether escape her gentle contempt; +indeed, she recognises <i>Sir Isaac's</i> claims upon her for +duty and gratitude in a way which modern high-spirited +priestesses of progress would scarcely approve. She fights +merely for a limit to the proprietorship, for the right to a +separate individuality, the right to be useful in a wider +sphere (a phrase that stands for so much that is good and +less good). Mr. <span class='smcap'>Wells</span> has realised this gracious, shy and +beautiful personality with a fine skill. It is no mean feat. +He might so easily have made a dear mild ghost. And +oh! if ladies of influence who regiment their inferiors in +orderly philanthropic schemes had some of the wisdom and +tolerance of <i>Lady Harman</i> in her dealings with the tea-shop +girls. You see one instinctively pays Mr. <span class='smcap'>Wells</span> the +serious compliment of assuming that he has something +material to say about the things which matter.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>As a demonstration of the irony of history, I can hardly +imagine a better subject for romance at the present +moment than the fortunes of <span class='smcap'>William of Orange</span>, and +if Miss <span class='smcap'>Marjorie Bowen's</span> <i>Prince and Heretic</i> (<span class='smcap'>Methuen</span>) +shows some traces of having been rather hastily finished +it is easy to pardon this defect. The alchemist's assistant, +part seer and part quack, whom she introduces into the +earlier part of the story foretells the violent deaths of the +young princes of the house of Nassau and the ravaging +and looting of the Netherlands by <span class='smcap'>Alva</span>, Defender of the +Catholic Faith and servant of the House of Hapsburg; +but he cannot conjure up out of his crystal the sight of a +Catholic Belgium suffering these things, three hundred and +fifty years later, at the hands of a Lutheran King allied with +a Hapsburg and fighting for the sake of no cause but his +own vanity. Most of the action takes place in Brussels—a +Brussels placarded with squibs against <span class='smcap'>Cardinal +<span class='pagenum'><a id='page448' name='page448'></a>[pg 448]</span> +Granville</span>; and the final retreat of <span class='smcap'>William</span>, ruined in +everything except his spirit, to join the army of the <span class='smcap'>Prince +de Condé</span>, has a pathetic significance to-day that not +many historical romances can claim. Miss <span class='smcap'>Marjorie +Bowen</span> has a remarkable gift for the presentation of a +number of lifelike portraits against a vivid and gorgeous +background, and the successive pictures of the Dutch and +Flemish Schools which she creates in <i>Prince and Heretic</i>, +make it, if not quite so successful as <i>I Will Maintain</i>, at +least a book which no lover of the Lowlands can afford +to miss.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p><i>Our Sentimental Garden</i> (<span class='smcap'>Heinemann</span>) is one of the very +pleasantest garden-books I have encountered. One reason +for this is that it is about such a lot of other things besides +gardens. Volumes that +are exclusively devoted +to what I might call +horticultural hortation +are apt to become oppressive. +But <span class='smcap'>Agnes</span> and +<span class='smcap'>Egerton Castle</span> are +persons far too sympathetic +not to avoid this +danger. Instead of lecturing, +they talk with an +engaging discursiveness +that lures you from page +to page, as it might from +bed to border, were you +an actual visitor in the +exquisite Surrey garden +that is their ostensible +subject. One thing with +them leads to another. +"Lilacs," they say. +"Ah, lilacs—" and immediately +one of them is +started upon a whole +series of rambling, <span class='smcap'>Du +Maurierish</span> recollections +of school-days in +Second Empire Paris. +Kittens and Pekinese +puppies, village types, +politics (just a little) and +Roman villas—all these +are the themes of their +happy talk. "The Garden +Garrulous" they might have called the book; and I for +one have found it infinitely charming. Not that shrewd +hints upon the choice of roses, the marshalling of bulbs, +and other such aspects of the theme proper are wanting. +Moreover, what they tell of garden triumphs is at once +realised for you by a prodigality of drawings scattered +among the text, some glowing in a full page of colour, others +in line alone, from the pencil and brush of Mr. <span class='smcap'>Charles +Robinson</span>. Altogether a very gentle book, of which one +may echo the hope expressed by the writers in their graceful +preface that "some unquiet heart, labouring under the +strain of long-drawn suspense," may find in it "a passing +relaxation, a forgotten smile."</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>Ernest students of military history should be grateful to +Mr. <span class='smcap'>Edward Foord</span> for the patient labour and perseverance +he has spent on the compilation of <i>Napoleon's Russian +Campaign of 1812</i> (<span class='smcap'>Hutchinson</span>). The book appears at a +most opportune date, for most of us nowadays are military +critics, and here we can, if we like, compare the Russian +methods of 1812 with those of 1914. On the other hand, +in these strenuous days we may not have the time, even if +we have the inclination, to devote ourselves to campaigns +a hundred years old. For my own part, while frankly +admitting the value of this book, I confess that I had sometimes +to skip in an endeavour to avoid being bewildered by +names and numbers. Using this desultory mode of progression +I was still abundantly informed and profoundly +interested. Mr. <span class='smcap'>Foord</span> is out to give facts, however +tedious, and I agree with him that it is the business of an +historian to be accurate before he is entertaining. Yet I +could have wished that he had been less parsimonious with +his human appeals, for whenever he unbends he can be at +once interesting and informing. The struggles of <span class='smcap'>Barclay +de Tolly</span> against jealousy and intrigues are vividly told, +and nothing could be +more graceful than the +tribute Mr. <span class='smcap'>Foord</span> pays +to the memory of that +great soldier, General +<span class='smcap'>Eblé</span>. It is impossible +to read the history of +this disastrous campaign +without being impressed +by the terrible penalties +of overweening arrogance +and ambition, and without +realising the flaming +spirit of patriotism that +has glorified, and will +always glorify, the Russians +in time of national +peril.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>In <i>A Morning In My +Library</i> ("<span class='smcap'>Times" Book +Club</span>), Mr. <span class='smcap'>Stephen +Coleridge</span> has put together +an anthology of +English prose which has +some high advantages to +recommend it to popular +favour even in what the +compiler calls "these +tumultuous times." It +is a small book and fits +easily into a coat pocket; +it is well and clearly +printed, and, best of +all, the selection is admirably made and does credit to +Mr. <span class='smcap'>Coleridge's</span> taste. Every extract bears the stamp +of inspiration, a quality difficult to define but unmistakable. +<span class='smcap'>Raleigh's</span> invocation to Death; <span class='smcap'>Johnson's</span> +preface to the Dictionary; <span class='smcap'>Napier's</span> description of the +battle of Albuera; <span class='smcap'>Richard Shiel's</span> appeal on behalf of +his fellow-countrymen, and <span class='smcap'>Abraham Lincoln's</span> immortal +speech at Gettysburg—all these are to be found, and many +more; and all go to show the might, majesty, dominion +and power of that great language which it is our privilege +to speak. I think we shall value that privilege a little +more highly and shall endeavour to place a more careful +restraint on our tongues and our pens after we have dipped +through Mr. <span class='smcap'>Coleridge's</span> little book. He is a judicious +guide, and such explanations as he adds are always short +and never tiresome. Yet it must in fairness be added that +<span class='smcap'>King Charles's</span> head, in the shape of an anti-vivisection +footnote, has once, but only once, crept into the "memorial." +However the fault is such a little one that those who love +noble English prose will easily forgive it.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;"> +<a href="images/448.png"> +<img src="images/448.png" title="" alt="Old Lady (to wounded Officer)" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>Old Lady (to wounded Officer)</i>. <span class='smcap'>"Oh, Sir, do you 'appen to 'ave 'eard if any of your men at the front 'as found a pair of spectacles wot I left in a 16 'bus in the Edgware Road?"</span></p> +</div> +<hr class='pb' /> +<div class="trnote"> +<p><b>Transcriber Notes</b></p> +<p>Typographical inconsistencies have been changed and are +listed below.</p> +<p>Archaic and variable spelling is preserved.</p> +<p>Editors' punctuation style is preserved.</p> +<hr class='invis' /> +<p><b>Transcriber Changes</b></p> +<p>The following changes were made to the original text:</p> +<p><a href='#TC_1'>Page 429</a>: Added comma after <b>University</b> (In his interesting sketch, in <i>The +Times</i>, of the <span class='smcap'>Prince of Wales'</span> career +at the <b>University,</b> the <span class='smcap'>President</span> of +Magdalen mentions that His Royal +Highness "shot at various country +houses round Oxford.")</p> +<p><a href='#TC_2'>Page 429</a>: Removed repeated 'of' (the singing of the soldiers of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges <b>of</b> Brus-Rhein.')</p> +<p><a href='#TC_3'>Page 444</a>: Was 'reconnaisance' (Carrying out your order No. <span class='smcap'>69a</span>, I made a night <b>reconnaissance</b> in force.)</p> +</div> + +<!-- generated by ppg.rb version: ppg0714 --> +<!-- timestamp: Sat Jul 18 15:44:37 -0400 2009 --> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, November 25, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29454-h.htm or 29454-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/5/29454/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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