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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3012-h.zip b/3012-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b2ddfa --- /dev/null +++ b/3012-h.zip diff --git a/3012-h/3012-h.htm b/3012-h/3012-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d169c1b --- /dev/null +++ b/3012-h/3012-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2929 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Acharnians, by Aristophanes + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Acharnians, by Aristophanes + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Acharnians + +Author: Aristophanes + +Release Date: January 15, 2009 [EBook #3012] +Last Updated: January 22, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ACHARNIANS *** + + + + +Produced by Derek Davis, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE ACHARNIANS + </h1> + <h2> + By Aristophanes + </h2> + <div class="mynote"> + <p> + [Translator uncredited. Footnotes have been retained because they + provide the meanings of Greek names, terms and ceremonies and explain + puns and references otherwise lost in translation. Occasional Greek + words in the footnotes have not been included. Footnote numbers, in + brackets, start anew at (1) for each piece of dialogue, and each + footnote follows immediately the dialogue to which it refers, labeled + thus: f(1).] + </p> + <br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE ACHARNIANS </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION + </h2> + <p> + This is the first of the series of three Comedies—'The Acharnians,' + 'Peace' and 'Lysistrata'—produced at intervals of years, the sixth, + tenth and twenty-first of the Peloponnesian War, and impressing on the + Athenian people the miseries and disasters due to it and to the scoundrels + who by their selfish and reckless policy had provoked it, the consequent + ruin of industry and, above all, agriculture, and the urgency of asking + Peace. In date it is the earliest play brought out by the author in his + own name and his first work of serious importance. It was acted at the + Lenaean Festival, in January, 426 B.C., and gained the first prize, + Cratinus being second. + </p> + <p> + Its diatribes against the War and fierce criticism of the general policy + of the War party so enraged Cleon that, as already mentioned, he + endeavoured to ruin the author, who in 'The Knights' retorted by a direct + and savage personal attack on the leader of the democracy. + </p> + <p> + The plot is of the simplest. Dicaeopolis, an Athenian citizen, but a + native of Acharnae, one of the agricultural demes and one which had + especially suffered in the Lacedaemonian invasions, sick and tired of the + ill-success and miseries of the War, makes up his mind, if he fails to + induce the people to adopt his policy of "peace at any price," to conclude + a private and particular peace of his own to cover himself, his family, + and his estate. The Athenians, momentarily elated by victory and + over-persuaded by the demagogues of the day—Cleon and his henchmen, + refuse to hear of such a thing as coming to terms. Accordingly Dicaeopolis + dispatches an envoy to Sparta on his own account, who comes back presently + with a selection of specimen treaties in his pocket. The old man tastes + and tries, special terms are arranged, and the play concludes with a + riotous and uproarious rustic feast in honour of the blessings of Peace + and Plenty. + </p> + <p> + Incidentally excellent fun is poked at Euripides and his dramatic methods, + which supply matter for so much witty badinage in several others of our + author's pieces. + </p> + <p> + Other specially comic incidents are: the scene where the two young + daughters of the famished Megarian are sold in the market at Athens as + suck(l)ing-pigs—a scene in which the convenient similarity of the + Greek words signifying a pig and the 'pudendum muliebre' respectively is + utilized in a whole string of ingenious and suggestive 'double entendres' + and ludicrous jokes; another where the Informer, or Market-Spy, is packed + up in a crate as crockery and carried off home by the Boeotian buyer. + </p> + <p> + The drama takes its title from the Chorus, composed of old men of + Acharnae. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + THE ACHARNIANS + </h1> + <p> + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DICAEOPOLIS + HERALD + AMPHITHEUS + AMBASSADORS + PSEUDARTABAS + THEORUS + WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS + DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS + EURIPIDES + CEPHISOPHON, servant of Euripides + LAMACHUS + ATTENDANT OF LAMACHUS + A MEGARIAN + MAIDENS, daughters of the Megarian + A BOEOTIAN + NICARCHUS + A HUSBANDMAN + A BRIDESMAID + AN INFORMER + MESSENGERS + CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN ELDERS +</pre> + <p> + SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx; afterwards Dicaeopolis' house in + the country. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DICAEOPOLIS(1) (alone) + What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been the + pleasures in my life! Four, to be exact, while my troubles have been + as countless as the grains of sand on the shore! Let me see! of what + value to me have been these few pleasures? Ah! I remember that I was + delighted in soul when Cleon had to disgorge those five talents;(2) I was + in ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; 'it is an honour to + Greece.'(3) But the day when I was impatiently awaiting a piece by + Aeschylus,(4) what tragic despair it caused me when the herald called, + "Theognis,(5) introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how this blow struck + straight at my heart! On the other hand, what joy Dexitheus caused + me at the musical competition, when he played a Boeotian melody + on the lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what deadly torture + to hear Chaeris(6) perform the prelude in the Orthian mode!(7) + —Never, however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my + eyes as it does to-day. Still it is the day of assembly; all should be + here at daybreak, and yet the Pnyx(8) is still deserted. They are + gossiping in the marketplace, slipping hither and thither to avoid + the vermilioned rope.(9) The Prytanes(10) even do not come; they will be + late, but when they come they will push and fight each other for a + seat in the front row. They will never trouble themselves with the + question of peace. Oh! Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to + come here before all the rest, and now, finding myself alone, I groan, + yawn, stretch, break wind, and know not what to do; I make sketches in + the dust, pull out my loose hairs, muse, think of my fields, long for + peace, curse town life and regret my dear country home,(11) which never + told me to 'buy fuel, vinegar or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which + cuts me in two, was unknown; I harvested everything at will. Therefore + I have come to the assembly fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and + abuse the speakers, if they talk of anything but peace. But here come the + Prytanes, and high time too, for it is midday! As I foretold, hah! is it + not so? They are pushing and fighting for the front seats. + + f(1) A name invented by Aristophanes and signifying 'a just citizen.' + + f(2) Clean had received five talents from the islanders subject to Athens, + on condition that he should get the tribute payable by them reduced; when + informed of this transaction, the knights compelled him to return + the money. + + f(3) A hemistich borrowed from Euripides' 'Telephus.' + + f(4) The tragedies of Aeschylus continued to be played even after the + poet's death, which occurred in 436 B.C., ten years before the production + of 'The Acharnians.' + + f(5) A tragic poet, whose pieces were so devoid of warmth and life that he + was nicknamed (the Greek for) 'snow.' + + f(6) A bad musician, frequently ridiculed by Aristophanes; he played both + the lyre and the flute. + + f(7) A lively and elevated method. + + f(8) A hill near the Acropolis, where the Assemblies were held. + + f(9) Several means were used to force citizens to attend the assemblies; + the shops were closed; circulation was only permitted in those streets which + led to the Pnyx; finally, a rope covered with vermilion was drawn round those + who dallied in the Agora (the market-place), and the late-comers, + ear-marked by the imprint of the rope, were fined. + + f(10) Magistrates who, with the Archons and the Epistatae, shared the care + of holding and directing the assemblies of the people; they were fifty + in number. + + f(11) The Peloponnesian War had already, at the date of the representation + of 'The Acharnians,' lasted five years, 431-426 B.C.; driven from their lands + by the successive Lacedaemonian invasions, the people throughout the + country had been compelled to seek shelter behind the walls of Athens. + + HERALD + Move on up, move on, move on, to get within the consecrated area.(1) + + f(1) Shortly before the meeting of the Assembly, a number of young pigs + were immolated and a few drops of their blood were sprinkled on the + seats of the Prytanes; this sacrifice was in honour of Ceres. + + AMPHITHEUS + Has anyone spoken yet? + + HERALD + Who asks to speak? + + AMPHITHEUS + I do. + + HERALD + Your name? + + AMPHITHEUS + Amphitheus. + + HERALD + You are no man.(1) + + f(1) The name, Amphitheus, contains (the Greek) word (for) 'god.' + + AMPHITHEUS + No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and + Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus. Celeus wedded Phaenerete, my + grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and, being born of him I am an + immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of + treating with the Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal, + I am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.(1) + + f(1) Amongst other duties, it was the office of the Prytanes to look after + the wants of the poor. + + A PRYTANIS + Guards! + + AMPHITHEUS + Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own blood? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an outrage + to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe + the sword. + + PRYTANIS + Sit down and keep silence! + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss the + question of peace. + + HERALD + The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock + ambassadors and their swagger. + + HERALD + Silence! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! oh! by Ecbatana,(1) what a costume! + + f(1) The summer residence of the Great King. + + AN AMBASSADOR + During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the Great King + on a salary of two drachmae per diem. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! those poor drachmae! + + AMBASSADOR + We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping under a tent, + stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with weariness. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the + battlements!(1) + + f(1) Referring to the hardships he had endured garrisoning the walls of + Athens during the Lacedaemonian invasions early in the War. + + AMBASSADOR + Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious + wine out of golden or crystal flagons.... + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, city of Cranaus,(1) thy ambassadors are laughing at thee! + + f(1) Cranaus, the second king of Athens, the successor of Cecrops. + + AMBASSADOR + For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as men + by the barbarians. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken debauchees. + + AMBASSADOR + At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, but + he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for the space of + eight months he was thus easing himself in the midst of the golden + mountains.(1) + + f(1) Lucian, in his 'Hermotimus,' speaks of these golden mountains as an + apocryphal land of wonders and prodigies. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And how long was he replacing his dress? + + AMBASSADOR + The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to his palace; + then he entertained us and had us served with oxen roasted whole + in an oven. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven? What a lie! + + AMBASSADOR + On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three + times as large as Cleonymus,(1) and called the Boaster. + + f(1) Cleonymus was an Athenian general of exceptionally tall stature; + Aristophanes incessantly rallies him for his cowardice; he had cast away + his buckler in a fight. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to all + this humbug? + + AMBASSADOR + We are bringing to you Pseudartabas(1), the King's Eye. + + f(1) A name borne by certain officials of the King of Persia. The actor of + this part wore a mask, fitted with a single eye of great size. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, you cursed + ambassador! + + HERALD + The King's Eye! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Eh! Great Gods! Friend, with thy great eye, round like the hole through + which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a galley + doubling a cape to gain port. + + AMBASSADOR + Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians + with which you were charged by the Great King. + + PSEUDARTABAS + Jartaman exarx 'anapissonia satra.(1) + + f(1) Jargon, no doubt meaningless in all languages. + + AMBASSADOR + Do you understand what he says? + + DICAEOPOLIS + By Apollo, not I! + + AMBASSADOR (TO THE PRYTANES) + He says that the Great King will send you gold. Come, utter the word + 'gold' louder and more distinctly. + + PSEUDARTABAS + Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.(1) + + f(1) The Persians styled all Greeks 'Ionians' without distinction; here + the Athenians are intended. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough! + + AMBASSADOR + What does he say? + + DICAEOPOLIS + That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect to receive + gold from the barbarians. + + AMBASSADOR + Not so, he speaks of medimni(1) of gold. + + f(1) A Greek measure, containing about six modii. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What medimni? Thou are but a great braggart; but get your way; I + will find out the truth by myself. Come now, answer me clearly, if you + do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will the Great King send us gold? + (PSEUDARTABAS MAKES A NEGATIVE SIGN.) Then our ambassadors + are seeking to deceive us? (PSEUDARTABAS SIGNS AFFIRMATIVELY.) + These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure that they are + nothing but Athenians. Oh! ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is + Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius.(1) Behold the effrontery of this shaven + rump! How! great baboon, with such a beard do you seek to play the + eunuch to us? And this other one? Is it not Straton? + + f(1) Noted for his extreme ugliness and his obscenity. Aristophanes + frequently holds him to scorn in his comedies. + + HERALD + Silence! Let all be seated. The Senate invites the King's Eye to the + Prytaneum.(1) + + f(1) Ambassadors were entertained there at the public expense. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself? Here I + stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly + wide open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something great and + bold. Where is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me. + + AMPHITHEUS + Here I am. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with the + Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave you free, + my dear citizens, to send out embassies and to stand gaping in the air. + + HERALD + Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of Sitalces.(1) + + f(1) King of Thrace. + + THEORUS + I am here. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Another humbug! + + THEORUS + We should not have remained long in Thrace... + + DICAEOPOLIS + Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid. + + THEORUS + ...if the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers were + ice-bound at the time that Theognis(1) brought out his tragedy here; + during the whole of that time I was holding my own with + Sitalces, cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you to such a degree, + that he wrote on the walls, "How beautiful are the Athenians!" His + son, to whom we gave the freedom of the city, burned with desire to + come here and eat chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia;(2) he prayed + his father to come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces swore on + his goblet that he would succour us with such a host that the Athenians + would exclaim, "What a cloud of grasshoppers!" + + f(1) The tragic poet. + + f(2) A feast lasting three days and celebrated during the month Pyanepsion + (November). The Greek word contains the suggestion of fraud. + + DICAEOPOLIS + May I die if I believe a word of what you tell us! Excepting the + grasshoppers, there is not a grain of truth in it all! + + THEORUS + And he has sent you the most warlike soldiers of all Thrace. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Now we shall begin to see clearly. + + HERALD + Come hither, Thracians, whom Theorus brought. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What plague have we here? + + THEORUS + 'Tis the host of the Odomanti.(1) + + f(1) A Thracian tribe from the right bank of the Strymon. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Of the Odomanti? Tell me what it means. Who has mutilated them + like this? + + THEORUS + If they are given a wage of two drachmae, they will put all + Boeotia(1) to fire and sword. + + f(1) The Boeotians were the allies of Sparta. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Two drachmae to those circumcised hounds! Groan aloud, ye people + of rowers, bulwark of Athens! Ah! great gods! I am undone; these + Odomanti are robbing me of my garlic!(1) Will you give me back + my garlic? + + f(1) Dicaeopolis had brought a clove of garlic with him to eat during + the Assembly. + + THEORUS + Oh! wretched man! do not go near them; they have eaten garlic(1). + + f(1) Garlic was given to game-cocks, before setting them at each other, + to give them pluck for the fight. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Prytanes, will you let me be treated in this manner, in my own + country and by barbarians? But I oppose the discussion of paying + a wage to the Thracians; I announce an omen; I have just felt a drop + of rain.(1) + + f(1) At the lest unfavourable omen, the sitting of the Assembly was + declared at an end. + + HERALD + Let the Thracians withdraw and return the day after tomorrow; + the Prytanes declare the sitting at an end. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ye gods, what garlic I have lost! But here comes Amphitheus + returned from Lacedaemon. Welcome, Amphitheus. + + AMPHITHEUS + No, there is no welcome for me and I fly as fast as I can, for I + am pursued by the Acharnians. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Why, what has happened? + + AMPHITHEUS + I was hurrying to bring your treaty of truce, but some old dotards + from Acharnae(1) got scent of the thing; they are veterans of Marathon, + tough as oak or maple, of which they are made for sure—rough and + ruthless. They all started a-crying: "Wretch! you are the bearer of + a treaty, and the enemy has only just cut our vines!" Meanwhile they + were gathering stones in their cloaks, so I fled and they ran after + me shouting. + + f(1) The deme of Acharnae was largely inhabited by charcoal-burners, + who supplied the city with fuel. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Let 'em shout as much as they please! But HAVE you brought me + a treaty? + + AMPHITHEUS + Most certainly, here are three samples to select from,(1) this one is + five years old; take it and taste. + + f(1) He presents them in the form of wines contained in three separate + skins. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Faugh! + + AMPHITHEUS + Well? + + DICAEOPOLIS + It does not please me; it smells of pitch and of the ships they are + fitting out.(1) + + f(1) Meaning, preparations for war. + + AMPHITHEUS + Here is another, ten years old; taste it. + + DICAEOPOLIS + It smells strongly of the delegates, who go around the towns + to chide the allies for their slowness.(1) + + f(1) Meaning, securing allies for the continuance of the war. + + AMPHITHEUS + This last is a truce of thirty years, both on sea and land. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! by Bacchus! what a bouquet! It has the aroma of nectar and + ambrosia; this does not say to us, "Provision yourselves for three + days." But it lisps the gentle numbers, "Go whither you will."(1) + I accept it, ratify it, drink it at one draught and consign the + Acharnians to limbo. Freed from the war and its ills, I shall + keep the Dionysia(2) in the country. + + f(1) When Athens sent forth an army, the soldiers were usually ordered + to assemble at some particular spot with provisions for three days. + + f(2) These feasts were also called the Anthesteria or Lenaea; the Lenaem + was a temple to Bacchus, erected outside the city. They took place + during the month Anthesterion (February). + + AMPHITHEUS + And I shall run away, for I'm mortally afraid of the Acharnians. + + CHORUS + This way all! Let us follow our man; we will demand him of + everyone we meet; the public weal makes his seizure imperative. Ho, + there! tell me which way the bearer of the truce has gone; he has escaped + us, he has disappeared. Curse old age! When I was young, in the days + when I followed Phayllus,(1) running with a sack of coals on my back, this + wretch would not have eluded my pursuit, let him be as swift as he will; + but now my limbs are stiff; old Lacratides(2) feels his legs are + weighty and the traitor escapes me. No, no, let us follow him; old + Acharnians like ourselves shall not be set at naught by a + scoundrel, who has dared, great gods! to conclude a truce, when I wanted + the war continued with double fury in order to avenge my ruined lands. + No mercy for our foes until I have pierced their hearts like sharp + reed, so that they dare never again ravage my vineyards. + Come, let us seek the rascal; let us look everywhere, carrying our + stones in our hands; let us hunt him from place to place until we trap + him; I could never, never tire of the delight of stoning him. + + f(1) A celebrated athlete from Croton and a victor at Olympia; he was + equally good as a runner and at the 'five exercises.' + + f(2) He had been Archon at the time of the battle of Marathon. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Peace! profane men!(1) + + f(1) A sacred formula, pronounced by the priest before offering + the sacrifice. + + CHORUS + Silence all! Friends, do you hear the sacred formula? Here is he, + whom we seek! This way, all! Get out of his way, surely he comes + to offer an oblation. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Peace, profane men! Let the basket-bearer(1) come forward, and thou + Xanthias, hold the phallus well upright.(2) + + f(1) The maiden who carried the basket filled with fruits at the Dionysia + in honour of Bacchus. + + f(2) The emblem of the fecundity of nature; it consisted of a representation, + generally grotesquely exaggerated, of the male genital organs; + the phallophori crowned with violets and ivy and their faces shaded + with green foliage, sang improvised airs, call 'Phallics,' full of obscenity + and suggestive 'double entendres.' + + WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS + Daughter, set down the basket and let us begin the sacrifice. + + DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS + Mother, hand me the ladle, that I may spread the sauce on the + cake. + + DICAEOPOLIS + It is well! Oh, mighty Bacchus, it is with joy that, freed from + military duty, I and all mine perform this solemn rite and offer + thee this sacrifice; grant that I may keep the rural Dionysia + without hindrance and that this truce of thirty years may be + propitious for me. + + WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS + Come, my child, carry the basket gracefully and with a grave, demure + face. Happy he, who shall be your possessor and embrace you so firmly + at dawn,(1) that you belch wind like a weasel. Go forward, and have a care + they don't snatch your jewels in the crowd. + + f(1) The most propitious moment for Love's gambols, observes the + scholiast. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Xanthias, walk behind the basket-bearer and hold the phallus well + erect; I will follow, singing the Phallic hymn; thou, wife, look on from + the top of the terrace.(1) Forward! Oh, Phales,(2) companion of the orgies + of Bacchus, night reveller, god of adultery, friend of young men, these + past six(3) years I have not been able to invoke thee. With what joy I + return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce I have concluded, freed + from cares, from fighting and from Lamachuses!(4) How much sweeter, + oh Phales, oh, Phales, is it to surprise Thratta, the pretty woodmaid, + Strymodorus' slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus, to catch her + under the arms, to throw her on the ground and possess her, Oh, Phales, + Phales! If thou wilt drink and bemuse thyself with me, we shall + to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of the peace, and I will + hang up my buckler over the smoking hearth. + + f(1) Married women did not join in the processions. + + f(2) The god of generation, worshipped in the form of a phallus. + + f(3) A remark which fixes the date of the production of 'The Acharnians,' + viz. the sixth year of the Peloponnesian War, 426 B.C. + + f(4) Lamachus was an Athenian general, who figures later in this comedy. + + CHORUS + It is he, he himself. Stone him, stone him, stone him, strike + the wretch. All, all of you, pelt him, pelt him! + + DICAEOPOLIS + What is this? By Heracles, you will smash my pot.(1) + + f(1) At the rural Dionysia a pot of kitchen vegetables was borne in + the procession along with other emblems. + + CHORUS + It is you that we are stoning, you miserable scoundrel. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And for what sin, Acharnian Elders, tell me that! + + CHORUS + You ask that, you impudent rascal, traitor to your country; you + alone amongst us all have concluded a truce, and you dare to look us + in the face! + + DICAEOPOLIS + But you do not know WHY I have treated for peace. Listen! + + CHORUS + Listen to you? No, no, you are about to die, we will annihilate + you with our stones. + + DICAEOPOLIS + But first of all, listen. Stop, my friends. + + CHORUS + I will hear nothing; do not address me; I hate you more than I + do Cleon,(1) whom one day I shall flay to make sandals for the Knights. + Listen to your long speeches, after you have treated with the + Laconians? No, I will punish you. + + f(1) Cleon the Demagogue was a currier originally by trade. He was the + sworn foe and particular detestation of the Knights or aristocratic party + generally. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Friends, leave the Laconians out of debate and consider only + whether I have not done well to conclude my truce. + + CHORUS + Done well! when you have treated with a people who know neither + gods, nor truth, nor faith. + + DICAEOPOLIS + We attribute too much to the Laconians; as for myself, I know that + they are not the cause of all our troubles. + + CHORUS + Oh, indeed, rascal! You dare to use such language to me and then + expect me to spare you! + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, no, they are not the cause of all our troubles, and I who + address you claim to be able to prove that they have much to + complain of in us. + + CHORUS + This passes endurance; my heart bounds with fury. Thus you dare to + defend our enemies. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Were my head on the block I would uphold what I say and rely on + the approval of the people. + + CHORUS + Comrades, let us hurl our stones and dye this fellow purple. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What black fire-brand has inflamed your heart! You will not hear + me? You really will not, Acharnians? + + CHORUS + No, a thousand times, no. + + DICAEOPOLIS + This is a hateful injustice. + + CHORUS + May I die, if I listen. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Nay, nay! have mercy, have mercy, Acharnians. + + CHORUS + You shall die. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Well, blood for blood! I will kill your dearest friend. I have + here the hostages of Acharnae;(1) I shall disembowel them. + + f(1) That is, the baskets of charcoal. + + CHORUS + Acharnians, what means this threat? Has he got one of our children + in his house? What gives him such audacity? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Stone me, if it please you; I shall avenge myself on this. + (SHOWS A BASKET.) Let us see whether you have any love + for your coals. + + CHORUS + Great Gods! this basket is our fellow-citizen. Stop, stop, + in heaven's name! + + DICAEOPOLIS + I shall dismember it despite your cries; I will listen to nothing. + + CHORUS + How! will you kill this coal-basket, my beloved comrade? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Just now, you would not listen to me. + + CHORUS + Well, speak now, if you will; tell us, tell us you have a weakness + for the Lacedaemonians. I consent to anything; never will I forsake + this dear little basket. + + DICAEOPOLIS + First, throw down your stones. + + CHORUS + There! 'tis done. And you, do put away your sword. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Let me see that no stones remain concealed in your cloaks. + + CHORUS + They are all on the ground; see how we shake our garments. Come, + no haggling, lay down your sword; we threw away everything while + crossing from one side of the stage to the other.(1) + + f(1) The stage of the Greek theatre was much broader, and at the same + time shallower, than in a modern playhouse. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What cries of anguish you would have uttered had these coals of + Parnes(1) been dismembered, and yet it came very near it; had they + perished, their death would have been due to the folly of their + fellow-citizens. The poor basket was so frightened, look, it has + shed a thick black dust over me, the same as a cuttle-fish does. + What an irritable temper! You shout and throw stones, you will not + hear my arguments—not even when I propose to speak in favour of the + Lacedaemonians with my head on the block; and yet I cling to life. + + f(1) A mountain in Attica, in the neighbourhood of Acharnae. + + CHORUS + Well then, bring out a block before your door, scoundrel, and + let us hear the good grounds you can give us; I am curious to know + them. Now mind, as you proposed yourself, place your head on the block + and speak. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Here is the block; and, though I am but a very sorry speaker, I + wish nevertheless to talk freely of the Lacedaemonians and without the + protection of my buckler. Yet I have many reasons for fear. I know our + rustics; they are delighted if some braggart comes, and rightly or + wrongly, loads both them and their city with praise and flattery; they + do not see that such toad-eaters(1) are traitors, who sell them for gain. + As for the old men, I know their weakness; they only seek to overwhelm + the accused with their votes.(2) Nor have I forgotten how Cleon treated + me because of my comedy last year;(3) he dragged me before the Senate + and there he uttered endless slanders against me; 'twas a tempest of + abuse, a deluge of lies. Through what a slough of mud he dragged me! I + almost perished. Permit me, therefore, before I speak, to dress in the + manner most likely to draw pity. + + f(1) Orators in the pay of the enemy. + + f(2) Satire on the Athenians' addiction to law-suits. + + f(3) 'The Babylonians.' Cleon had denounced Aristophanes to the Senate for + having scoffed at Athens before strangers, many of whom were present at + the performance. The play is now lost. + + CHORUS + What evasions, subterfuges and delays! Hold! here is the sombre + helmet of Pluto with its thick bristling plume; Hieronymus(1) lends it to + you; then open Sisyphus'(2) bag of wiles; but hurry, hurry, pray, for + discussion does not admit of delay. + + f(1) A tragic poet; we know next to nothing of him or his works. + + f(2) Son of Aeolus, renowned in fable for his robberies, and for the tortures + to which he was put by Pluto. He was cunning enough to break loose out + of hell, but Hermes brought him back again. + + DICAEOPOLIS + The time has come for me to manifest my courage, so I will go + and seek Euripides. Ho! slave, slave! + + SLAVE + Who's there? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Is Euripides at home? + + SLAVE + He is and he isn't; understand that, if you have wit for't. + + DICAEOPOLIS + How? He is and he isn't!(1) + + f(1) This whole scene is directed at Euripides; Aristophanes ridicules the + subtleties of his poetry and the trickeries of his staging, which, according + to him, he only used to attract the less refined among his audience. + + SLAVE + Certainly, old man; busy gathering subtle fancies here and + there, his mind is not in the house, but he himself is; perched aloft, + he is composing a tragedy. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, Euripides, you are indeed happy to have a slave so quick at + repartee! Now, fellow, call your master. + + SLAVE + Impossible! + + DICAEOPOLIS + So much the worse. But I will not go. Come, let us knock at the door. + Euripides, my little Euripides, my darling Euripides, listen; + never had man greater right to your pity. It is Dicaeopolis of the + Chollidan Deme who calls you. Do you hear? + + EURIPIDES + I have no time to waste. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Very well, have yourself wheeled out here.(1) + + f(1) "Wheeled out"—that is, by means of a mechanical contrivance of + the Greek stage, by which an interior was shown, the set scene + with performers, etc., all complete, being in some way, which cannot + be clearly made out from the descriptions, swung out or wheeled out + on to the main stage. + + EURIPIDES + Impossible. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Nevertheless... + + EURIPIDES + Well, let them roll me out; as to coming down, I have not + the time. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Euripides.... + + EURIPIDES + What words strike my ear? + + DICAEOPOLIS + You perch aloft to compose tragedies, when you might just as + well do them on the ground. I am not astonished at your introducing + cripples on the stage.(1) And why dress in these miserable tragic rags? + I do not wonder that your heroes are beggars. But, Euripides, on my knees + I beseech you, give me the tatters of some old piece; for I have to + treat the Chorus to a long speech, and if I do it ill it is all over + with me. + + f(1) Having been lamed, it is of course implied, by tumbling from the lofty + apparatus on which the Author sat perched to write his tragedies. + + EURIPIDES + What rags do you prefer? Those in which I rigged out Aeneus(1) on + the stage, that unhappy, miserable old man? + + f(1) Euripides delighted, or was supposed by his critic Aristophanes to + delight, in the representation of misery and wretchedness on the stage. + 'Aeneus,' 'Phoenix,' 'Philoctetes,' 'Bellerophon,' 'Telephus,' Ino' are titles + of six tragedies of his in this genre of which fragments are extant. + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, I want those of some hero still more unfortunate. + + EURIPIDES + Of Phoenix, the blind man? + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, not of Phoenix, you have another hero more unfortunate than him. + + EURIPIDES + Now, what tatters DOES he want? Do you mean those of the beggar + Philoctetes? + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, of another far more the mendicant. + + EURIPIDES + Is it the filthy dress of the lame fellow, Bellerophon? + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, 'tis not Bellerophon; he, whom I mean, was not only lame and a + beggar, but boastful and a fine speaker. + + EURIPIDES + Ah! I know, it is Telephus, the Mysian. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Yes, Telephus. Give me his rags, I beg of you. + + EURIPIDES + Slave! give him Telephus' tatters; they are on top of the rags + of Thyestes and mixed with those of Ino. + + SLAVE + Catch hold! here they are. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! Zeus, whose eye pierces everywhere and embraces all, permit me + to assume the most wretched dress on earth. Euripides, cap your + kindness by giving me the little Mysian hat, that goes so well with + these tatters. I must to-day have the look of a beggar; "be what I am, + but not appear to be";(1) the audience will know well who I am, but + the Chorus will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe 'em with my + subtle phrases. + + f(1) + Line borrowed from Euripides. A great number of verses are similarly + parodied in this scene. + + EURIPIDES + I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an ingenious + brain like yours. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Rest happy, and may it befall Telephus as I wish. Ah! I already + feel myself filled with quibbles. But I must have a beggar's staff. + + EURIPIDES + Here you are, and now get you gone from this porch. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, my soul! You see how you are driven from this house, when I + still need so many accessories. But let us be pressing, obstinate, + importunate. Euripides, give me a little basket with a lamp alight inside. + + EURIPIDES + Whatever do you want such a thing as that for? + + DICAEOPOLIS + I do not need it, but I want it all the same. + + EURIPIDES + You importune me; get you gone! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Alas! may the gods grant you a destiny as brilliant as your + mother's.(1) + + f(1) Report said that Euripides' mother had sold vegetables on the market. + + EURIPIDES + Leave me in peace. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, just a little broken cup. + + EURIPIDES + Take it and go and hang yourself. What a tiresome fellow! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me. Dear, good + Euripides, nothing beyond a small pipkin stoppered with a sponge. + + EURIPIDES + Miserable man! You are robbing me of an entire tragedy.(1) Here, take it + and be off. + + f(1) Aristophanes means, of course, to imply that the whole talent of + Euripides lay in these petty details of stage property. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I + have it, I am a dead man. Hearken, my little Euripides, only give me + this and I go, never to return. For pity's sake, do give me a few + small herbs for my basket. + + EURIPIDES + You wish to ruin me then. Here, take what you want; but it is + all over with my pieces! + + DICAEOPOLIS + I won't ask another thing; I'm going. I am too importunate and + forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings.—Ah! wretch that I am! + I am lost! I have forgotten one thing, without which all the rest is + as nothing. Euripides, my excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides, + may I die if I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the last, + absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your mother left + you in her will. + + EURIPIDES + Insolent hound! Slave, lock the door! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, my soul! I must go away without the chervil. Art thou + sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in + defending the Lacedaemonians? Courage, my soul, we must plunge + into the midst of it. Dost thou hesitate and art thou fully steeped + in Euripides? That's right! do not falter, my poor heart, and let us risk + our head to say what we hold for truth. Courage and boldly to + the front. I wonder I am so brave. + + CHORUS + What do you purport doing? what are you going to say? What an + impudent fellow! what a brazen heart! to dare to stake his head and + uphold an opinion contrary to that of us all! And he does not + tremble to face this peril. Come, it is you who desired it, speak! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a beggar, I dare in + a Comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the public weal; + Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right. I shall not please, + but I shall say what is true. Besides, Cleon shall not be able to accuse + me of attacking Athens before strangers;(1) we are by ourselves at the + festival of the Lenaea; the period when our allies send us their tribute + and their soldiers is not yet. Here is only the pure wheat + without chaff; as to the resident strangers settled among us, they + and the citizens are one, like the straw and the ear. + + I detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may Posidon, + the god of Taenarus,(2) cause an earthquake and overturn their dwellings! + My vines also have been cut. But come (there are only friends who + hear me), why accuse the Laconians of all our woes? Some men (I do not + say the city, note particularly that I do not say the city), some + wretches, lost in vices, bereft of honour, who were not even + citizens of good stamp, but strangers, have accused the Megarians of + introducing their produce fraudulently, and not a cucumber, a leveret, + a suck(l)ing pig, a clove of garlic, a lump of salt was seen without its + being said, "Halloa! these come from Megara," and their being + instantly confiscated. Thus far the evil was not serious and we were + the only sufferers. But now some young drunkards go to Megara and + carry off the courtesan Simaetha; the Megarians, hurt to the quick, run + off in turn with two harlots of the house of Aspasia; and so for three + gay women Greece is set ablaze. Then Pericles, aflame with ire on his + Olympian height, let loose the lightning, caused the thunder to + roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, which ran like the song, "That + the Megarians be banished both from our land and from our markets + and from the sea and from the continent."(3) Meanwhile the Megarians, + who were beginning to die of hunger, begged the Lacedaemonians to bring + about the abolition of the decree, of which those harlots were the + cause; several times we refused their demand; and from that time there + was horrible clatter of arms everywhere. You will say that Sparta + was wrong, but what should she have done? Answer that. Suppose that + a Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian(4) dog on any pretext and + had sold it, would you have endured it quietly? Far from it, you would + at once have sent three hundred vessels to sea, and what an uproar + there would have been through all the city! there 'tis a band of + noisy soldiery, here a brawl about the election of a Trierarch; + elsewhere pay is being distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are + being regilded, crowds are surging under the market porticos, + encumbered with wheat that is being measured, wine-skins, + oar-leathers, garlic, olives, onions in nets; everywhere are chaplets, + sprats, flute-girls, black eyes; in the arsenal bolts are being + noisily driven home, sweeps are being made and fitted with leathers; + we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of flutes and fifes to + encourage the work-folk. That is what you assuredly would have done, + and would not Telephus have done the same? So I come to my general + conclusion; we have no common sense. + + f(1) 'The Babylonians' had been produced at a time of year when Athens + was crowded with strangers; 'The Acharnians,' on the contrary, was played + in December. + + f(2) Sparta had been menaced with an earthquake in 427 B.C. Posidon + was 'The Earthshaker,' god of earthquakes, as well as of the sea. + + f(3) A song by Timocreon the Rhodian, the words of which were practically + identical with Pericles' decree. + + f(4) A small and insignificant island, one of the Cyclades, allied with + the Athenians, like months of these islands previous to and during + the first part of the Peloponnesian War. + + FIRST SEMI-CHORUS + Oh! wretch! oh! infamous man! You are naught but a beggar and + yet you dare to talk to us like this! you insult their worships + the informers! + + SECOND SEMI-CHORUS + By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a single detail. + + FIRST SEMI-CHORUS + But though it be true, need he say it? But you'll have no great + cause to be proud of your insolence! + + SECOND SEMI-CHORUS + Where are you running to? Don't you move; if you strike this man, + I shall be at you. + + FIRST SEMI-CHORUS + Lamachus, whose glance flashes lightning, whose plume + petrifies thy foes, help! Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero of my + tribe and all of you, both officers and soldiers, defenders of our + walls, come to my aid; else is it all over with me! + + LAMACHUS + Whence comes this cry of battle? where must I bring my aid? + where must I sow dread? who wants me to uncase my dreadful Gorgon's + head?(1) + + f(1) A figure of Medusa's head, forming the centre of Lamachus' shield. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, Lamachus, great hero! Your plumes and your cohorts terrify me. + + CHORUS + This man, Lamachus, incessantly abuses Athens. + + LAMACHUS + You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this sort? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, brave Lamachus, forgive a beggar who speaks at hazard. + + LAMACHUS + But what have you said? Let us hear. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me dizzy. + Oh! I adjure you, take that fearful Gorgon somewhat farther away. + + LAMACHUS + There. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Now place it face downwards on the ground. + + LAMACHUS + It is done. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Give me a plume out of your helmet. + + LAMACHUS + Here is a feather. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my stomach. + + LAMACHUS + Hah! what are you proposing to do? do you want to make yourself + vomit with this feather? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Is it a feather? what bird's? a braggart's? + + LAMACHUS + Ah! ah! I will rip you open. + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, no, Lamachus! Violence is out of place here! But as you are so + strong, why did you not circumcise me? You have all the tools you want + for the operation there. + + LAMACHUS + A beggar dares thus address a general! + + DICAEOPOLIS + How? Am I a beggar? + + LAMACHUS + What are you then? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Who am I? A good citizen, not ambitious; a soldier, who has fought + well since the outbreak of the war, whereas you are but a vile + mercenary. + + LAMACHUS + They elected me... + + DICAEOPOLIS + Yes, three cuckoos did!(1) If I have concluded peace, 'twas + disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks and + young fellows of your age shirking service. Some are in Thrace getting + an allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisamenophoenippus + and Panurgipparchides. The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men + like Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same + kidney, too, at Camarina and at Gela,(2) the laughing-stock of all and sundry. + + f(1) Indicates the character of his election, which was arranged, so + Aristophanes implies, by his partisans. + + f(2) Town in Sicily. There is a pun on the name Gela and 'ridiculous' + which it is impossible to keep in English. Apparently the Athenians + had sent embassies to all parts of the Greek world to arrange treaties + of alliance in view of the struggle with the Lacedaemonians; but only + young debauchees of aristocratic connections had been chosen as envoys. + + LAMACHUS + They were elected. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these + others ever gets any? Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair; well then, + have you ever been entrusted with a mission? See! he shakes his + head. Yet he is an active as well as a prudent man. And you, Dracyllus, + Euphorides or Prinides, have you knowledge of Ecbatana or + Chaonia? You say no, do you not? Such offices are good for the son + of Caesyra(1) and Lamachus, who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never + pay their shot, and whom all their friends avoid as foot passengers + dodge the folks who empty their slops out of window. + + f(1) A contemporary orator apparently, otherwise unknown. + + LAMACHUS + Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you know. + + LAMACHUS + But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at sea, on land + and everywhere to make them tremble, and trounce them soundly. + + DICAEOPOLIS + For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians, + Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open; but I debar + Lamachus from entering them. + + CHORUS + Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their view + and approve him for having concluded peace. But let us prepare for the + recital of the parabasis.(1) + + Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised himself + upon the stage; but, having been slandered by his enemies amongst + the volatile Athenians, accused of scoffing at his country and of + insulting the people, to-day he wishes to reply and regain for himself + the inconstant Athenians. He maintains that he has done much that is + good for you; if you no longer allow yourselves to be too much + hoodwinked by strangers or seduced by flattery, if in politics you are + no longer the ninnies you once were, it is thanks to him. Formerly, + when delegates from other cities wanted to deceive you, they had but + to style you, "the people crowned with violets," and at the word + "violets" you at once sat erect on the tips of your bums. Or if, to + tickle your vanity, someone spoke of "rich and sleek Athens," in + return for that "sleekness" he would get all, because he spoke of you + as he would have of anchovies in oil. In cautioning you against + such wiles, the poet has done you great service as well as + in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic + principle. Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their tributes, + wanted to see this great poet, who had dared to speak the truth to + Athens. And so far has the fame of his boldness reached that one day + the Great King, when questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first + asked them which of the two rival cities was the superior at sea, + and then immediately demanded at which it was that the comic poet + directed his biting satire. "Happy that city," he added, "if it + listens to his counsel; it will grow in power, and its victory is + assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians offer you peace, if you + will cede them Aegina; not that they care for the isle, but they + wish to rob you of your poet.(2) As for you, never lose him, who will + always fight for the cause of justice in his Comedies; he promises you + that his precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses neither + flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of loading + you with praise, he will point you to the better way. I scoff at + Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and justice shall fight my cause; + never will you find me a political poltroon, a prostitute to the + highest bidder. + + I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as the devouring fire; + sudden as the spark that bursts from the crackling oaken coal when + roused by the quickening fan to fry little fishes, while others knead + the dough or whip the sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break + forth, my Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous, + stirring strains. + + We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach the city; + so many are the victories we have gained for the Athenian fleets + that we well deserve to be cared for in our declining life; yet far + from this, we are ill-used, harassed with law-suits, delivered over to + the scorn of stripling orators. Our minds and bodies being ravaged + with age, Posidon should protect us, yet we have no other support than + a staff. When standing before the judge, we can scarcely stammer forth + the fewest words, and of justice we see but its barest shadow, whereas + the accuser, desirous of conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us + with his ready rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with + questions, lays traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets and ruins + poor old Tithonus, who, crushed with age, stands tongue-tied; + sentenced to a fine,(3) he weeps, he sobs and says to his friend, + "This fine robs me of the last trifle that was to have bought my coffin." + + Is this not a scandal? What! the clepsydra(4) is to kill the + white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft covered + himself with glorious sweat, whose valour at Marathon saved the + country! 'Twas we who pursued on the field of Marathon, + whereas now 'tis wretches who pursue us to the death and crush us! + What would Marpsias reply to this?(5) What an injustice that a man, + bent with age like Thucydides, should be brow-beaten by this braggart + advocate, Cephisodemus,(6) who is as savage as the Scythian desert + he was born in! Is it not to convict him from the outset? I wept tears + of pity when I saw an Archer(7) maltreat this old man, who, by Ceres, + when he was young and the true Thucydides, would not have permitted + an insult from Ceres herself! At that date he would have floored + ten orators, he would have terrified three thousand Archers with his + shouts; he would have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his shafts. + Ah! but if you will not leave the aged in peace, decree that the advocates + be matched; thus the old man will only be confronted with a toothless + greybeard, the young will fight with the braggart, the ignoble + with the son of Clinias;(8) make a law that in the future, the old man + can only be summoned and convicted at the courts by the aged + and the young man by the youth. + + f(1) The 'parabasis' in the Old Comedy was a sort of address or topical + harangue addressed directly by the poet, speaking by the Chorus, + to the audience. It was nearly always political in bearing, and the subject + of the particular piece was for the time being set aside altogether. + + f(2) It will be remembered that Aristophanes owned land in Aegina. + + f(3) Everything was made the object of a law-suit in Athens. The old + soldiers, inexpert at speaking, often lost the day. + + f(4) A water-clock used to limit the length of speeches in the courts. + + f(5) A braggart speaker, fiery and pugnacious. + + f(6) Cephisodemus was an Athenian, but through his mother possessed + Scythian blood. + + f(7) The city of Athens was policed by Scythian archers. + + f(8) Alcibiades. + + DICAEOPOLIS + These are the confines of my market-place. All Peloponnesians, + Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come and trade here, + provided they sell their wares to me and not to Lamachus. As + market-inspectors I appoint these three whips of Leprean(1) leather, + chosen by lot. Warned away are all informers and all men of Phasis.(2) + They are bringing me the pillar on which the treaty is inscribed(3) and + I shall erect it in the centre of the market, well in sight of all. + + f(1) The leather market was held in Lepros, outside the city. + + f(2) Mean an informer ((from the Greek) 'to denounce'). + + f(3) According to the Athenian custom. + + A MEGARIAN + Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians. Let Zeus, the patron + of friendship, witness, I regretted you as a mother mourns her son. + Come, poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, try to find + something to eat; listen to me with the full heed of an empty belly. + Which would you prefer? To be sold or to cry with hunger? + + DAUGHTERS + To be sold, to be sold! + + MEGARIAN + That is my opinion too. But who would make so sorry a deal as to + buy you? Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going to disguise + you as little porkers, that I am offering for sale. Fit your hands + with these hoofs and take care to appear the issue of a sow of good + breed, for, if I am forced to take you back to the house, by Hermes! + you will suffer cruelly of hunger! Then fix on these snouts and cram + yourselves into this sack. Forget not to grunt and to say wee-wee like + the little pigs that are sacrificed in the Mysteries. I must summon + Dicaeopolis. Where is be? Dicaeopolis, do you want to buy + some nice little porkers? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Who are you? a Megarian? + + MEGARIAN + I have come to your market. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Well, how are things at Megara?(1) + + f(1) Megara was allied to Sparta and suffered during the war more than + any other city because of its proximity to Athens. + + MEGARIAN + We are crying with hunger at our firesides. + + DICAEOPOLIS + The fireside is jolly enough with a piper. But what else is + doing at Megara, eh? + + MEGARIAN + What else? When I left for the market, the authorities were taking + steps to let us die in the quickest manner. + + DICAEOPOLIS + That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles. + + MEGARIAN + True. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What other news of Megara? What is wheat selling at? + + MEGARIAN + With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Is it salt that you are bringing? + + MEGARIAN + Are you not holding back the salt? + + DICAEOPOLIS + 'Tis garlic then? + + MEGARIAN + What! garlic! do you not at every raid grub up the ground with your + pikes to pull out every single head? + + DICAEOPOLIS + What DO you bring then? + + MEGARIAN + Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! very well, show me them. + + MEGARIAN + They are very fine; feel their weight. See! how fat and fine. + + DICAEOPOLIS + But what is this? + + MEGARIAN + A SOW, for a certainty.(1) + + f(1) Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon (a) word + which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs of generation.' + + DICAEOPOLIS + You say a sow! Of what country, then? + + MEGARIAN + From Megara. What! is it not a sow then? + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, I don't believe it is. + + MEGARIAN + This is too much! what an incredulous man! He says 'tis not a sow; + but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with + thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else. + + DICAEOPOLIS + But a sow of the human kind. + + MEGARIAN + Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed! Well! What think + you? will you hear them squeal? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Well, yes, I' faith, I will. + + MEGARIAN + Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take you + back to the house. + + GIRL + Wee-wee, wee-wee! + + MEGARIAN + Is that a little sow, or not? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine fat bitch. + + MEGARIAN + In five years it will be just like its mother. + + DICAEOPOLIS + But it cannot be sacrificed. + + MEGARIAN + And why not? + + DICAEOPOLIS + It has no tail.(1) + + f(1) Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an animal, + therefore, without a tail could not be offered. + + MEGARIAN + Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big one, + thick and red. + + DICAEOPOLIS + The two are as like as two peas. + + MEGARIAN + They are born of the same father and mother; let them be fattened, + let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows you can + offer to Aphrodite. + + DICAEOPOLIS + But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite. + + MEGARIAN + Not sows to Aphrodite! Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom they + are offered! the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Can they eat alone? They no longer need their mother! + + MEGARIAN + Certainly not, nor their father. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What do they like most? + + MEGARIAN + Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Speak! little sow. + + DAUGHTER + Wee-wee, wee-wee! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Can you eat chick-pease? + + DAUGHTER + Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee! + + DICAEOPOLIS + And Attic figs? + + DAUGHTER + Wee-wee, wee-wee! + + DICAEOPOLIS + What sharp squeaks at the name of figs. Come, let some figs be + brought for these little pigs. Will they eat them? Goodness! how + they munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I + believe those pigs hail from the land of the Voracians. But surely + 'tis impossible they have bolted all the figs! + + MEGARIAN + Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! what funny creatures! For what sum will you sell them? + + MEGARIAN + I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if you + like, for a quart measure of salt. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I buy them of you. Wait for me here. + + MEGARIAN + The deal is done. Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may sell + both my wife and my mother in the same way! + + AN INFORMER + Hi! fellow, what countryman are you? + + MEGARIAN + I am a pig-merchant from Megara. + + INFORMER + I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies. + + MEGARIAN + Ah! here our troubles begin afresh! + + INFORMER + Let go that sack. I will punish your Megarian lingo!(1) + + f(1) The Megarians used the Doric dialect. + + MEGARIAN + Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Who dares do this thing? Inspectors, drive out the informers. + Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp!(1) + + f(1) A play upon (a) word which both means 'to light' and 'to denounce.' + + INFORMER + What! I may not denounce our enemies? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Have a care for yourself, if you don't go off pretty quick to denounce + elsewhere. + + MEGARIAN + What a plague to Athens! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Be reassured, Megarian. Here is the price for your two swine, + the garlic and the salt. Farewell and much happiness! + + MEGARIAN + Ah! we never have that amongst us. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Well! may the inopportune wish apply to myself. + + MEGARIAN + Farewell, dear little sows, and seek, far from your father, to + munch your bread with salt, if they give you any. + + CHORUS + Here is a man truly happy. See how everything succeeds to his + wish. Peacefully seated in his market, he will earn his living; woe to + Ctesias,(1) and all other informers who dare to enter there! You will not + be cheated as to the value of wares, you will not again see Prepis(2) + wiping his foul rump, nor will Cleonymus(3) jostle you; you will take your + walks, clothed in a fine tunic, without meeting Hyperbolus(4) and his + unceasing quibblings, without being accosted on the public place by + any importunate fellow, neither by Cratinus,(5) shaven in the fashion + of the debauchees, nor by this musician, who plagues us with his silly + improvisations, Artemo, with his arm-pits stinking as foul as a goat, + like his father before him. You will not be the butt of the villainous + Pauson's(6) jeers, nor of Lysistratus,(7) the disgrace + of the Cholargian deme, who is the incarnation of all the vices, + and endures cold and hunger more than thirty days in the month. + + f(1) An informer (sycophant), otherwise unknown. + + f(2) A debauchee of vile habits; a pathic. + + f(3) Mentioned above; he was as proud as he was cowardly. + + f(4) An Athenian general, quarrelsome and litigious, and an Informer + into the bargain. + + f(5) A comic poet of vile habits. + + f(6) A painter. + + f(7) A debauchee, a gambler, and always in extreme poverty. + + A BOEOTIAN + By Heracles! my shoulder is quite black and blue. Ismenias, put + the penny-royal down there very gently, and all of you, musicians + from Thebes, pipe with your bone flutes into a dog's rump.(1) + + f(1) This kind of flute had a bellows, made of dog-skin, much like + the bagpipes of to-day. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Enough, enough, get you gone. Rascally hornets, away with you! + Whence has sprung this accursed swarm of Charis(1) fellows which comes + assailing my door? + + f(1) A flute-player, mentioned above. + + BOEOTIAN + Ah! by Iolas!(1) Drive them off, my dear host, you will please me + immensely; all the way from Thebes, they were there piping behind me + and have completely stripped my penny-royal of its blossom. + But will you buy anything of me, some chickens or some locusts? + + f(1) A hero, much honoured in Thebes; nephew of Heracles. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! good day, Boeotian, eater of good round loaves.(1) What do you + bring? + + f(1) A form of bread peculiar to Boeotia. + + BOEOTIAN + All that is good in Boeotia, marjoram, penny-royal, rush-mats, + lamp-wicks, ducks, jays, woodcocks, water-fowl, wrens, divers. + + DICAEOPOLIS + 'Tis a very hail of birds that beats down on my market. + + BOEOTIAN + I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, lyres, + martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.(1) + + f(1) A lake in Boeotia. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish, + let me salute your eels. + + BOEOTIAN + Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and + complete the joy of our host. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou art here + at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets sigh, thou, who art + dear to Morychus.(1) Slaves, hither with the stove and the bellows. + Look at this charming eel, that returns to us after six long years + of absence.(2) Salute it, my children; as for myself, I will supply + coal to do honour to the stranger. Take it into my house; death itself + could not separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves. + + f(1) He was the Lucullus of Athens. + + f(2) This again fixes the date of the presentation of 'The + Acharnians' to 436 B.C., the sixth year of the War, since the + beginning of which Boeotia had been closed to the Athenians. + + BOEOTIAN + And what will you give me in return? + + DICAEOPOLIS + It will pay for your market dues. And as to the rest, what do + you wish to sell me? + + BOEOTIAN + Why, everything. + + DICAEOPOLIS + On what terms? For ready-money or in wares from these parts? + + BOEOTIAN + I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got + in Boeotia. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Phaleric anchovies, pottery? + + BOEOTIAN + Anchovies, pottery? But these we have. I want produce that is + wanting with us and that is plentiful here. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up + carefully as crockery-ware. + + BOEOTIAN + By the twin gods! I should earn big money, if I took one; I + would exhibit him as an ape full of spite. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Hah! here we have Nicarchus,(1) who comes to denounce you. + + f(1) An informer. + + BOEOTIAN + How small he is! + + DICAEOPOLIS + But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature. + + NICARCHUS + Whose are these goods? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness. + + NICARCHUS + I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country. + + BOEOTIAN + What! you declare war against birds? + + NICARCHUS + And I am going to denounce you too. + + BOEOTIAN + What harm have I done you? + + NICARCHUS + I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you introduce lamp-wicks + from an enemy's country. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Then you go as far as denouncing a wick. + + NICARCHUS + It needs but one to set an arsenal afire. + + DICAEOPOLIS + A wick set an arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods? + + NICARCHUS + Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing, and, taking + advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into + the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels, everything + would soon be devoured by the flames. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick devour everything! + (HE STRIKES HIM.) + + NICARCHUS (TO THE CHORUS) + You will bear witness, that he mishandles me. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Shut his mouth. Give me some hay; I am going to pack him up like + a vase, that he may not get broken on the road. + + CHORUS + Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not + break it when taking it away. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is cracked already; + he rings with a false note, which the gods abhor. + + CHORUS + But what will be done with him? + + DICAEOPOLIS + This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a vessel for holding + all foul things, a mortar for pounding together law-suits, a lamp + for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the mixing up and poisoning + of everything. + + CHORUS + None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a + ring about it. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if care is + taken to hang it head downwards. + + CHORUS + There! it is well packed now! + + BOEOTIAN + Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle. + + CHORUS + Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this informer, good for + anything, and fling him where you like. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here! + Boeotian, pick up your pottery. + + BOEOTIAN + Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be very + careful with it. + + DICAEOPOLIS + You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you will + profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you luck. + + A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS + Dicaeopolis! + + DICAEOPOLIS + What do you want crying this gait? + + SERVANT + Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups,(1) and I come by his order + to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a Copaic eel. + + f(1) The second day of the Dionysia or feasts of Bacchus, kept in the month + Anthesterion (February), and called the Anthesteria. They lasted three + days; the second being the Feast of Cups, the third the Feast of Pans. + Vases, filled with grain of all kinds, were borne in procession and + dedicated to Hermes. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel? + + SERVANT + 'Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, who is always brandishing + his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which o'ershadow + his helmet. + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his buckler. + Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes, and, if he comes + here making any din, I shall call the inspectors. As for myself, + I shall take away all these goods; I go home on thrushes' wings + and black-birds' pinions.(1) + + f(1) A parody on some verses from a lost poet. + + CHORUS + You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes to + his prudence, to his profound wisdom. You see how, since he has + concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to + eat hot. All good things flow towards him unsought. Never will I welcome + the god of war in my house; never shall he chant the "Harmodius" at + my table;(1) he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are + overflowing with good things and brings all manner of mischief at his + heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; 'tis vain to make him a + thousand offers, "be seated, pray, drink this cup, proffered in all + friendship," he burns our vine-stocks and brutally pours out the wine + from our vineyards + on the ground. This man, on the other hand, covers his table with + a thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these feathers + cast before his door to show us how he lives. + + f(1) A feasting song in honour of Harmodius, the assassin of Hipparchus + the Tyrant, son of Pisistratus. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, Peace! companion of fair Aphrodite and of the sweet Graces, + how charming are thy features and yet I never knew it! Would that Eros + might join me to thee, Eros, crowned with roses as Zeuxis(1) shows him to + us! Perhaps I seem somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to make you a + threefold offering; despite my age I could plant a long row of vines for you; + then beside these some tender cuttings from the fig; finally a young + vine-stock, loaded with fruit and all around the field olive trees, which + would furnish us with oil, wherewith to anoint us both at the New Moons. + + f(1) The celebrated painter, born in Heraclea, a contemporary + of Aristophanes. + + HERALD + List, ye people! As was the custom of your forebears, empty a full + pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who first sees the + bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed the + herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily; keep them + a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets; + reach me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes. + + CHORUS + I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting? + + CHORUS + Ah! true indeed! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Slave! stir up the fire. + + CHORUS + See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How well + he understands the way to prepare a good dinner! + + A HUSBANDMAN + Ah! woe is me! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Heracles! What have we here? + + HUSBANDMAN + A most miserable man. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Keep your misery for yourself. + + HUSBANDMAN + Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a part + of your truce, were it but five years. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What has happened to you? + + HUSBANDMAN + I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers. + + DICAEOPOLIS + How? + + HUSBANDMAN + The Boeotians seized them at Phyle.(1) + + f(1) A deme and frontier fortress of Attica, near the Boeotian border. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white? + + HUSBANDMAN + Their dung made my wealth. + + DICAEOPOLIS + What can I do in the matter? + + HUSBANDMAN + Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you care for poor + Dercetes of Phyle, anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of peace. + + DICAEOPOLIS + But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine. + + HUSBANDMAN + Come, I adjure you; perhaps I shall recover my steers. + + DICAEOPOLIS + 'Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of Pittalus.(1) + + f(1) An Athenian physician of the day. + + HUSBANDMAN + Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet. + + DICAEOPOLIS + No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere. + + HUSBANDMAN + Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts! + + CHORUS + This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he will share it + with none. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry. + + CHORUS + What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Get the eels on the gridiron! + + CHORUS + You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your + neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Have this fried and let it be nicely browned. + + A BRIDESMAID + Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Who are you? + + BRIDESMAID + A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage feast. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Whoever he be, I thank him. + + BRIDESMAID + And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into this vase, + that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home + to do his duty to his young wife. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I + would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray? + + BRIDESMAID + I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you + from the bride privately. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Come, what do you wish to say? (THE BRIDESMAID WHISPERS IN + HIS EAR.) Ah! what a ridiculous demand! The bride burns with longing + to keep by her her husband's weapon. Come! \bring hither my truce; to + her alone will I give some of it, for she is a woman, and, as such, + should not suffer under the war. Here, friend, reach hither your vial. + And as to the manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a + levy of soldiers is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where + most needed. There, slave, take away my truce! Now, quick, bring me + the wine-flagon, that I may fill up the drinking bowls! + + CHORUS + I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he seems + to us the bearer of terrible tidings. + + HERALD + Oh! toils and battles, 'tis Lamachus! + + LAMACHUS + What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the glint + of arms. + + HERALD + The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and + your plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our borders. + They have learnt that a band of Boeotians intend taking advantage + of the Feast of Cups to invade our country. + + LAMACHUS + Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much! + It's cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! warlike host of Lamachus! + + LAMACHUS + Wretch! do you dare to jeer me? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon? + + LAMACHUS + Oh! oh! what fearful tidings! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he bring me? + + HERALD + Dicaeopolis! + + DICAEOPOLIS + What is the matter? + + HERALD + Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and your cup; + 'tis the priest of Bacchus who invites you. But hasten, the guests + have been waiting for you a long while. All is ready—couches, + tables, cushions, chaplets, perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot; + biscuits, cakes, sesame-bread, tarts, lovely dancing women, the sweetest + charm of the festivity. But come with all haste. + + LAMACHUS + Oh! hostile gods! + + DICAEOPOLIS + This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great ugly Gorgon's head + for your patron. You, shut the door, and let someone get ready the meal. + + LAMACHUS + Slave! slave! my knapsack! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Slave! slave! a basket! + + LAMACHUS + Take salt and thyme, slave, and don't forget the onions. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions. + + LAMACHUS + Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have it cooked here. + + LAMACHUS + Bring me the plumes for my helmet. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes. + + LAMACHUS + How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers! + + DICAEOPOLIS + How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon! + + LAMACHUS + Bring me the case for my triple plume. + + DICAEOPOLIS + + Pass me over that dish of hare. + + LAMACHUS + OH! the moths have eaten the hair of my crest. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I shall always eat hare before dinner. + + LAMACHUS + Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armor? + + DICAEOPOLIS + Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes. + + LAMACHUS + Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me. + + DICAEOPOLIS + I do not address you; I am scolding my slave. Shall we wager and submit + the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the best to eat, a locust or + a thrush? + + LAMACHUS + Insolent hound! + + DICAEOPOLIS + He much prefers the locusts. + + LAMACHUS + Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to me. + + LAMACHUS + Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath. Hold it, slave, hold it tight. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer. + + LAMACHUS + Slave, the bracings for my shield. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings of my stomach. + + LAMACHUS + My round buckler with the Gorgon's head. + + DICAEOPOLIS + My round cheese-cake. + + LAMACHUS + What clumsy wit! + + DICAEOPOLIS + What delicious cheese-cake! + + LAMACHUS + Pour oil on the buckler. Hah! hah! I can see reflected there an old + man who will be accused of cowardice. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Pour honey on the cake. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who makes + Lamachus of the Gorgon's head weep with rage. + + LAMACHUS + Slave, full war armour. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Slave, my beaker; that is MY armour. + + LAMACHUS + With this I hold my ground with any foe. + + DICAEOPOLIS + And I with this with any tosspot. + + LAMACHUS + Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall carry the knapsack + + DICAEOPOLIS + Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall carry the cloak. + + LAMACHUS + Slave, take up the buckler and let's be off. It is snowing! Ah! + 'tis a question of facing the winter. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Take up the basket, 'tis a question of getting to the feast. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + CHORUS + We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much. One goes + to mount guard and freeze, while the other will drink, crowned + with flowers, and then sleep with a young beauty, who will excite + him readily. + + I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the poet-historian, + the son of Psacas! When Choregus at the Lenaea, alas! alas! he + dismissed me dinnerless. May I see him devouring with his eyes a + cuttle-fish, just served, well cooked, hot and properly salted; and + the moment that he stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize + it and run off with it. Such is my first wish. I also hope for him a + misfortune at night. That returning all-fevered from horse practice, + he may meet an Orestes,(1) mad with drink, who breaks open his head; + that wishing to seize a stone, he, in the dark, may pick up a fresh stool, + hurl his missile, miss aim and hit Cratinus.(2) + + f(1) An allusion to the paroxysms of rage, as represented in many tragedies + familiar to an Athenian audience, of Orestes, the son of Agamemnon, + after he had killed his mother. + + f(2) No doubt the comic poet, rival of Aristophanes. + + SLAVE OF LAMACHUS + Slaves of Lamachus! Water, water in a little pot! Make it warm, get ready + cloths, cerate greasy wool and bandages for his ankle. In leaping a ditch, + the master has hurt himself against a stake; he has dislocated and twisted + his ankle, broken his head by falling on a stone, while his Gorgon shot far + away from his buckler. His mighty braggadocio plume rolled on the + ground; at this sight he uttered these doleful words, "Radiant star, I gaze + on thee for the last time; my eyes close to all light, I die." Having + said this, + he falls into the water, gets out again, meets some runaways and pursues + the robbers with his spear at their backsides.(1) But here he comes, + himself. Get the door open. + + f(1) Unexpected wind-up of the story. Aristophanes intends to deride + the boasting of Lamachus, who was always ascribing to himself most + unlikely exploits. + + LAMACHUS + Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain! I faint, I tremble! Alas! + I die! the foe's lance has struck me! But what would hurt me most + would be for Dicaeopolis to see me wounded thus and laugh + at my ill-fortune. + + DICAEOPOLIS (ENTERS WITH TWO COURTESANS) + Oh! my gods! what bosoms! Hard as a quince! Come, my treasures, give + me voluptuous kisses! Glue your lips to mine. Haha! I was the first to + empty my cup. + + LAMACHUS + Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer! accursed wounds! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus! (EMBRACES LAMACHUS.) + + LAMACHUS + By the hostile gods! (BITES DICAEOPOLIS.) + + DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! Great gods! + + LAMACHUS + Why do you embrace me? + + DICAEOPOLIS + And why do you bite me? + + LAMACHUS + 'Twas a cruel score I was paying back! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Scores are not evened at the Feast of Cups! + + LAMACHUS + Oh! Paean, Paean! + + DICAEOPOLIS + But to-day is not the feast of Paean. + + LAMACHUS + Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends! + + DICAEOPOLIS + And you, my darlings, take hold of this, both of you! + + LAMACHUS + This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim. + + DICAEOPOLIS + For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with lustfulness, + I want to be bundling in the dark. + + LAMACHUS + Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus. + + DICAEOPOLIS + Take me to the judges. Where is the king of the feast? + The wine-skin is mine! + + LAMACHUS + That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure! + + DICAEOPOLIS + You see this empty cup! I triumph! I triumph! + + CHORUS + Old man, I come at your bidding! You triumph! you triumph! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it at + a draught! + + CHORUS + You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin! + + DICAEOPOLIS + Follow me, singing "Triumph! Triumph!" + + CHORUS + Aye! we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin, and we all, + as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour, "Triumph, Triumph!" +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Acharnians, by Aristophanes + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ACHARNIANS *** + +***** This file should be named 3012-h.htm or 3012-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/1/3012/ + +Produced by Derek Davis, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Acharnians + +Author: Aristophanes + +Release Date: January 15, 2009 [EBook #3012] +Last Updated: February 1, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ACHARNIANS *** + + + +Produced by Derek Davis, and David Widger + + + +THE ACHARNIANS + +By Aristophanes +[Translator uncredited. Footnotes have been retained because they +provide the meanings of Greek names, terms and ceremonies and explain +puns and references otherwise lost in translation. Occasional Greek +words in the footnotes have not been included. Footnote numbers, in +brackets, start anew at (1) for each piece of dialogue, and each +footnote follows immediately the dialogue to which it refers, labeled +thus: f(1).] + + + +INTRODUCTION + +THE ACHARNIANS + + + +INTRODUCTION + +This is the first of the series of three Comedies--'The Acharnians,' +'Peace' and 'Lysistrata'--produced at intervals of years, the sixth, +tenth and twenty-first of the Peloponnesian War, and impressing on the +Athenian people the miseries and disasters due to it and to the +scoundrels who by their selfish and reckless policy had provoked it, the +consequent ruin of industry and, above all, agriculture, and the urgency +of asking Peace. In date it is the earliest play brought out by the +author in his own name and his first work of serious importance. It was +acted at the Lenaean Festival, in January, 426 B.C., and gained the +first prize, Cratinus being second. + +Its diatribes against the War and fierce criticism of the general policy +of the War party so enraged Cleon that, as already mentioned, he +endeavoured to ruin the author, who in 'The Knights' retorted by a +direct and savage personal attack on the leader of the democracy. + +The plot is of the simplest. Dicaeopolis, an Athenian citizen, but a +native of Acharnae, one of the agricultural demes and one which had +especially suffered in the Lacedaemonian invasions, sick and tired of +the ill-success and miseries of the War, makes up his mind, if he fails +to induce the people to adopt his policy of "peace at any price," to +conclude a private and particular peace of his own to cover himself, his +family, and his estate. The Athenians, momentarily elated by victory and +over-persuaded by the demagogues of the day--Cleon and his henchmen, +refuse to hear of such a thing as coming to terms. Accordingly +Dicaeopolis dispatches an envoy to Sparta on his own account, who comes +back presently with a selection of specimen treaties in his pocket. The +old man tastes and tries, special terms are arranged, and the play +concludes with a riotous and uproarious rustic feast in honour of the +blessings of Peace and Plenty. + +Incidentally excellent fun is poked at Euripides and his dramatic +methods, which supply matter for so much witty badinage in several +others of our author's pieces. + +Other specially comic incidents are: the scene where the two young +daughters of the famished Megarian are sold in the market at Athens as +suck(l)ing-pigs--a scene in which the convenient similarity of the Greek +words signifying a pig and the 'pudendum muliebre' respectively is +utilized in a whole string of ingenious and suggestive 'double +entendres' and ludicrous jokes; another where the Informer, or +Market-Spy, is packed up in a crate as crockery and carried off home by +the Boeotian buyer. + +The drama takes its title from the Chorus, composed of old men of +Acharnae. + + + +THE ACHARNIANS + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + + DICAEOPOLIS + HERALD + AMPHITHEUS + AMBASSADORS + PSEUDARTABAS + THEORUS + WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS + DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS + EURIPIDES + CEPHISOPHON, servant of Euripides + LAMACHUS + ATTENDANT OF LAMACHUS + A MEGARIAN + MAIDENS, daughters of the Megarian + A BOEOTIAN + NICARCHUS + A HUSBANDMAN + A BRIDESMAID + AN INFORMER + MESSENGERS + CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN ELDERS + +SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx; afterwards Dicaeopolis' house in the country. + + + +DICAEOPOLIS(1) (alone) + What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been the + pleasures in my life! Four, to be exact, while my troubles have been + as countless as the grains of sand on the shore! Let me see! of what + value to me have been these few pleasures? Ah! I remember that I was + delighted in soul when Cleon had to disgorge those five talents;(2) I was + in ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; 'it is an honour to + Greece.'(3) But the day when I was impatiently awaiting a piece by + Aeschylus,(4) what tragic despair it caused me when the herald called, + "Theognis,(5) introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how this blow struck + straight at my heart! On the other hand, what joy Dexitheus caused + me at the musical competition, when he played a Boeotian melody + on the lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what deadly torture + to hear Chaeris(6) perform the prelude in the Orthian mode!(7) + --Never, however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my + eyes as it does to-day. Still it is the day of assembly; all should be + here at daybreak, and yet the Pnyx(8) is still deserted. They are + gossiping in the marketplace, slipping hither and thither to avoid + the vermilioned rope.(9) The Prytanes(10) even do not come; they will be + late, but when they come they will push and fight each other for a + seat in the front row. They will never trouble themselves with the + question of peace. Oh! Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to + come here before all the rest, and now, finding myself alone, I groan, + yawn, stretch, break wind, and know not what to do; I make sketches in + the dust, pull out my loose hairs, muse, think of my fields, long for + peace, curse town life and regret my dear country home,(11) which never + told me to 'buy fuel, vinegar or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which + cuts me in two, was unknown; I harvested everything at will. Therefore + I have come to the assembly fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and + abuse the speakers, if they talk of anything but peace. But here come the + Prytanes, and high time too, for it is midday! As I foretold, hah! is it + not so? They are pushing and fighting for the front seats. + + f(1) A name invented by Aristophanes and signifying 'a just citizen.' + + f(2) Clean had received five talents from the islanders subject to Athens, + on condition that he should get the tribute payable by them reduced; when + informed of this transaction, the knights compelled him to return + the money. + + f(3) A hemistich borrowed from Euripides' 'Telephus.' + + f(4) The tragedies of Aeschylus continued to be played even after the + poet's death, which occurred in 436 B.C., ten years before the production + of 'The Acharnians.' + + f(5) A tragic poet, whose pieces were so devoid of warmth and life that he + was nicknamed (the Greek for) 'snow.' + + f(6) A bad musician, frequently ridiculed by Aristophanes; he played both + the lyre and the flute. + + f(7) A lively and elevated method. + + f(8) A hill near the Acropolis, where the Assemblies were held. + + f(9) Several means were used to force citizens to attend the assemblies; + the shops were closed; circulation was only permitted in those streets which + led to the Pnyx; finally, a rope covered with vermilion was drawn round those + who dallied in the Agora (the market-place), and the late-comers, + ear-marked by the imprint of the rope, were fined. + + f(10) Magistrates who, with the Archons and the Epistatae, shared the care + of holding and directing the assemblies of the people; they were fifty + in number. + + f(11) The Peloponnesian War had already, at the date of the representation + of 'The Acharnians,' lasted five years, 431-426 B.C.; driven from their lands + by the successive Lacedaemonian invasions, the people throughout the + country had been compelled to seek shelter behind the walls of Athens. + +HERALD + Move on up, move on, move on, to get within the consecrated area.(1) + + f(1) Shortly before the meeting of the Assembly, a number of young pigs + were immolated and a few drops of their blood were sprinkled on the + seats of the Prytanes; this sacrifice was in honour of Ceres. + +AMPHITHEUS + Has anyone spoken yet? + +HERALD + Who asks to speak? + +AMPHITHEUS + I do. + +HERALD + Your name? + +AMPHITHEUS + Amphitheus. + +HERALD + You are no man.(1) + + f(1) The name, Amphitheus, contains (the Greek) word (for) 'god.' + +AMPHITHEUS + No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and + Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus. Celeus wedded Phaenerete, my + grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and, being born of him I am an + immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of + treating with the Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal, + I am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.(1) + + f(1) Amongst other duties, it was the office of the Prytanes to look after + the wants of the poor. + +A PRYTANIS + Guards! + +AMPHITHEUS + Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own blood? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an outrage + to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe + the sword. + +PRYTANIS + Sit down and keep silence! + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss the + question of peace. + +HERALD + The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock + ambassadors and their swagger. + +HERALD + Silence! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! oh! by Ecbatana,(1) what a costume! + + f(1) The summer residence of the Great King. + +AN AMBASSADOR + During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the Great King + on a salary of two drachmae per diem. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! those poor drachmae! + +AMBASSADOR + We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping under a tent, + stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with weariness. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the + battlements!(1) + + f(1) Referring to the hardships he had endured garrisoning the walls of + Athens during the Lacedaemonian invasions early in the War. + +AMBASSADOR + Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious + wine out of golden or crystal flagons.... + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, city of Cranaus,(1) thy ambassadors are laughing at thee! + + f(1) Cranaus, the second king of Athens, the successor of Cecrops. + +AMBASSADOR + For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as men + by the barbarians. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken debauchees. + +AMBASSADOR + At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, but + he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for the space of + eight months he was thus easing himself in the midst of the golden + mountains.(1) + + f(1) Lucian, in his 'Hermotimus,' speaks of these golden mountains as an + apocryphal land of wonders and prodigies. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And how long was he replacing his dress? + +AMBASSADOR + The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to his palace; + then he entertained us and had us served with oxen roasted whole + in an oven. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven? What a lie! + +AMBASSADOR + On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three + times as large as Cleonymus,(1) and called the Boaster. + + f(1) Cleonymus was an Athenian general of exceptionally tall stature; + Aristophanes incessantly rallies him for his cowardice; he had cast away + his buckler in a fight. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to all + this humbug? + +AMBASSADOR + We are bringing to you Pseudartabas(1), the King's Eye. + + f(1) A name borne by certain officials of the King of Persia. The actor of + this part wore a mask, fitted with a single eye of great size. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, you cursed + ambassador! + +HERALD + The King's Eye! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Eh! Great Gods! Friend, with thy great eye, round like the hole through + which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a galley + doubling a cape to gain port. + +AMBASSADOR + Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians + with which you were charged by the Great King. + +PSEUDARTABAS + Jartaman exarx 'anapissonia satra.(1) + + f(1) Jargon, no doubt meaningless in all languages. + +AMBASSADOR + Do you understand what he says? + +DICAEOPOLIS + By Apollo, not I! + +AMBASSADOR (TO THE PRYTANES) + He says that the Great King will send you gold. Come, utter the word + 'gold' louder and more distinctly. + +PSEUDARTABAS + Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.(1) + + f(1) The Persians styled all Greeks 'Ionians' without distinction; here + the Athenians are intended. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough! + +AMBASSADOR + What does he say? + +DICAEOPOLIS + That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect to receive + gold from the barbarians. + +AMBASSADOR + Not so, he speaks of medimni(1) of gold. + + f(1) A Greek measure, containing about six modii. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What medimni? Thou are but a great braggart; but get your way; I + will find out the truth by myself. Come now, answer me clearly, if you + do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will the Great King send us gold? + (PSEUDARTABAS MAKES A NEGATIVE SIGN.) Then our ambassadors + are seeking to deceive us? (PSEUDARTABAS SIGNS AFFIRMATIVELY.) + These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure that they are + nothing but Athenians. Oh! ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is + Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius.(1) Behold the effrontery of this shaven + rump! How! great baboon, with such a beard do you seek to play the + eunuch to us? And this other one? Is it not Straton? + + f(1) Noted for his extreme ugliness and his obscenity. Aristophanes + frequently holds him to scorn in his comedies. + +HERALD + Silence! Let all be seated. The Senate invites the King's Eye to the + Prytaneum.(1) + + f(1) Ambassadors were entertained there at the public expense. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself? Here I + stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly + wide open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something great and + bold. Where is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me. + +AMPHITHEUS + Here I am. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with the + Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave you free, + my dear citizens, to send out embassies and to stand gaping in the air. + +HERALD + Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of Sitalces.(1) + + f(1) King of Thrace. + +THEORUS + I am here. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Another humbug! + +THEORUS + We should not have remained long in Thrace... + +DICAEOPOLIS + Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid. + +THEORUS + ...if the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers were + ice-bound at the time that Theognis(1) brought out his tragedy here; + during the whole of that time I was holding my own with + Sitalces, cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you to such a degree, + that he wrote on the walls, "How beautiful are the Athenians!" His + son, to whom we gave the freedom of the city, burned with desire to + come here and eat chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia;(2) he prayed + his father to come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces swore on + his goblet that he would succour us with such a host that the Athenians + would exclaim, "What a cloud of grasshoppers!" + + f(1) The tragic poet. + + f(2) A feast lasting three days and celebrated during the month Pyanepsion + (November). The Greek word contains the suggestion of fraud. + +DICAEOPOLIS + May I die if I believe a word of what you tell us! Excepting the + grasshoppers, there is not a grain of truth in it all! + +THEORUS + And he has sent you the most warlike soldiers of all Thrace. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Now we shall begin to see clearly. + +HERALD + Come hither, Thracians, whom Theorus brought. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What plague have we here? + +THEORUS + 'Tis the host of the Odomanti.(1) + + f(1) A Thracian tribe from the right bank of the Strymon. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Of the Odomanti? Tell me what it means. Who has mutilated them + like this? + +THEORUS + If they are given a wage of two drachmae, they will put all + Boeotia(1) to fire and sword. + + f(1) The Boeotians were the allies of Sparta. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Two drachmae to those circumcised hounds! Groan aloud, ye people + of rowers, bulwark of Athens! Ah! great gods! I am undone; these + Odomanti are robbing me of my garlic!(1) Will you give me back + my garlic? + + f(1) Dicaeopolis had brought a clove of garlic with him to eat during + the Assembly. + +THEORUS + Oh! wretched man! do not go near them; they have eaten garlic(1). + + f(1) Garlic was given to game-cocks, before setting them at each other, + to give them pluck for the fight. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Prytanes, will you let me be treated in this manner, in my own + country and by barbarians? But I oppose the discussion of paying + a wage to the Thracians; I announce an omen; I have just felt a drop + of rain.(1) + + f(1) At the lest unfavourable omen, the sitting of the Assembly was + declared at an end. + +HERALD + Let the Thracians withdraw and return the day after tomorrow; + the Prytanes declare the sitting at an end. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ye gods, what garlic I have lost! But here comes Amphitheus + returned from Lacedaemon. Welcome, Amphitheus. + +AMPHITHEUS + No, there is no welcome for me and I fly as fast as I can, for I + am pursued by the Acharnians. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Why, what has happened? + +AMPHITHEUS + I was hurrying to bring your treaty of truce, but some old dotards + from Acharnae(1) got scent of the thing; they are veterans of Marathon, + tough as oak or maple, of which they are made for sure--rough and + ruthless. They all started a-crying: "Wretch! you are the bearer of + a treaty, and the enemy has only just cut our vines!" Meanwhile they + were gathering stones in their cloaks, so I fled and they ran after + me shouting. + + f(1) The deme of Acharnae was largely inhabited by charcoal-burners, + who supplied the city with fuel. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Let 'em shout as much as they please! But HAVE you brought me + a treaty? + +AMPHITHEUS + Most certainly, here are three samples to select from,(1) this one is + five years old; take it and taste. + + f(1) He presents them in the form of wines contained in three separate + skins. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Faugh! + +AMPHITHEUS + Well? + +DICAEOPOLIS + It does not please me; it smells of pitch and of the ships they are + fitting out.(1) + + f(1) Meaning, preparations for war. + +AMPHITHEUS + Here is another, ten years old; taste it. + +DICAEOPOLIS + It smells strongly of the delegates, who go around the towns + to chide the allies for their slowness.(1) + + f(1) Meaning, securing allies for the continuance of the war. + +AMPHITHEUS + This last is a truce of thirty years, both on sea and land. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! by Bacchus! what a bouquet! It has the aroma of nectar and + ambrosia; this does not say to us, "Provision yourselves for three + days." But it lisps the gentle numbers, "Go whither you will."(1) + I accept it, ratify it, drink it at one draught and consign the + Acharnians to limbo. Freed from the war and its ills, I shall + keep the Dionysia(2) in the country. + + f(1) When Athens sent forth an army, the soldiers were usually ordered + to assemble at some particular spot with provisions for three days. + + f(2) These feasts were also called the Anthesteria or Lenaea; the Lenaem + was a temple to Bacchus, erected outside the city. They took place + during the month Anthesterion (February). + +AMPHITHEUS + And I shall run away, for I'm mortally afraid of the Acharnians. + +CHORUS + This way all! Let us follow our man; we will demand him of + everyone we meet; the public weal makes his seizure imperative. Ho, + there! tell me which way the bearer of the truce has gone; he has escaped + us, he has disappeared. Curse old age! When I was young, in the days + when I followed Phayllus,(1) running with a sack of coals on my back, this + wretch would not have eluded my pursuit, let him be as swift as he will; + but now my limbs are stiff; old Lacratides(2) feels his legs are + weighty and the traitor escapes me. No, no, let us follow him; old + Acharnians like ourselves shall not be set at naught by a + scoundrel, who has dared, great gods! to conclude a truce, when I wanted + the war continued with double fury in order to avenge my ruined lands. + No mercy for our foes until I have pierced their hearts like sharp + reed, so that they dare never again ravage my vineyards. + Come, let us seek the rascal; let us look everywhere, carrying our + stones in our hands; let us hunt him from place to place until we trap + him; I could never, never tire of the delight of stoning him. + + f(1) A celebrated athlete from Croton and a victor at Olympia; he was + equally good as a runner and at the 'five exercises.' + + f(2) He had been Archon at the time of the battle of Marathon. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Peace! profane men!(1) + + f(1) A sacred formula, pronounced by the priest before offering + the sacrifice. + +CHORUS + Silence all! Friends, do you hear the sacred formula? Here is he, + whom we seek! This way, all! Get out of his way, surely he comes + to offer an oblation. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Peace, profane men! Let the basket-bearer(1) come forward, and thou + Xanthias, hold the phallus well upright.(2) + + f(1) The maiden who carried the basket filled with fruits at the Dionysia + in honour of Bacchus. + + f(2) The emblem of the fecundity of nature; it consisted of a representation, + generally grotesquely exaggerated, of the male genital organs; + the phallophori crowned with violets and ivy and their faces shaded + with green foliage, sang improvised airs, call 'Phallics,' full of obscenity + and suggestive 'double entendres.' + +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS + Daughter, set down the basket and let us begin the sacrifice. + +DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS + Mother, hand me the ladle, that I may spread the sauce on the + cake. + +DICAEOPOLIS + It is well! Oh, mighty Bacchus, it is with joy that, freed from + military duty, I and all mine perform this solemn rite and offer + thee this sacrifice; grant that I may keep the rural Dionysia + without hindrance and that this truce of thirty years may be + propitious for me. + +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS + Come, my child, carry the basket gracefully and with a grave, demure + face. Happy he, who shall be your possessor and embrace you so firmly + at dawn,(1) that you belch wind like a weasel. Go forward, and have a care + they don't snatch your jewels in the crowd. + + f(1) The most propitious moment for Love's gambols, observes the + scholiast. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Xanthias, walk behind the basket-bearer and hold the phallus well + erect; I will follow, singing the Phallic hymn; thou, wife, look on from + the top of the terrace.(1) Forward! Oh, Phales,(2) companion of the orgies + of Bacchus, night reveller, god of adultery, friend of young men, these + past six(3) years I have not been able to invoke thee. With what joy I + return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce I have concluded, freed + from cares, from fighting and from Lamachuses!(4) How much sweeter, + oh Phales, oh, Phales, is it to surprise Thratta, the pretty woodmaid, + Strymodorus' slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus, to catch her + under the arms, to throw her on the ground and possess her, Oh, Phales, + Phales! If thou wilt drink and bemuse thyself with me, we shall + to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of the peace, and I will + hang up my buckler over the smoking hearth. + + f(1) Married women did not join in the processions. + + f(2) The god of generation, worshipped in the form of a phallus. + + f(3) A remark which fixes the date of the production of 'The Acharnians,' + viz. the sixth year of the Peloponnesian War, 426 B.C. + + f(4) Lamachus was an Athenian general, who figures later in this comedy. + +CHORUS + It is he, he himself. Stone him, stone him, stone him, strike + the wretch. All, all of you, pelt him, pelt him! + +DICAEOPOLIS + What is this? By Heracles, you will smash my pot.(1) + + f(1) At the rural Dionysia a pot of kitchen vegetables was borne in + the procession along with other emblems. + +CHORUS + It is you that we are stoning, you miserable scoundrel. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And for what sin, Acharnian Elders, tell me that! + +CHORUS + You ask that, you impudent rascal, traitor to your country; you + alone amongst us all have concluded a truce, and you dare to look us + in the face! + +DICAEOPOLIS + But you do not know WHY I have treated for peace. Listen! + +CHORUS + Listen to you? No, no, you are about to die, we will annihilate + you with our stones. + +DICAEOPOLIS + But first of all, listen. Stop, my friends. + +CHORUS + I will hear nothing; do not address me; I hate you more than I + do Cleon,(1) whom one day I shall flay to make sandals for the Knights. + Listen to your long speeches, after you have treated with the + Laconians? No, I will punish you. + + f(1) Cleon the Demagogue was a currier originally by trade. He was the + sworn foe and particular detestation of the Knights or aristocratic party + generally. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Friends, leave the Laconians out of debate and consider only + whether I have not done well to conclude my truce. + +CHORUS + Done well! when you have treated with a people who know neither + gods, nor truth, nor faith. + +DICAEOPOLIS + We attribute too much to the Laconians; as for myself, I know that + they are not the cause of all our troubles. + +CHORUS + Oh, indeed, rascal! You dare to use such language to me and then + expect me to spare you! + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, no, they are not the cause of all our troubles, and I who + address you claim to be able to prove that they have much to + complain of in us. + +CHORUS + This passes endurance; my heart bounds with fury. Thus you dare to + defend our enemies. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Were my head on the block I would uphold what I say and rely on + the approval of the people. + +CHORUS + Comrades, let us hurl our stones and dye this fellow purple. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What black fire-brand has inflamed your heart! You will not hear + me? You really will not, Acharnians? + +CHORUS + No, a thousand times, no. + +DICAEOPOLIS + This is a hateful injustice. + +CHORUS + May I die, if I listen. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Nay, nay! have mercy, have mercy, Acharnians. + +CHORUS + You shall die. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Well, blood for blood! I will kill your dearest friend. I have + here the hostages of Acharnae;(1) I shall disembowel them. + + f(1) That is, the baskets of charcoal. + +CHORUS + Acharnians, what means this threat? Has he got one of our children + in his house? What gives him such audacity? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Stone me, if it please you; I shall avenge myself on this. + (SHOWS A BASKET.) Let us see whether you have any love + for your coals. + +CHORUS + Great Gods! this basket is our fellow-citizen. Stop, stop, + in heaven's name! + +DICAEOPOLIS + I shall dismember it despite your cries; I will listen to nothing. + +CHORUS + How! will you kill this coal-basket, my beloved comrade? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Just now, you would not listen to me. + +CHORUS + Well, speak now, if you will; tell us, tell us you have a weakness + for the Lacedaemonians. I consent to anything; never will I forsake + this dear little basket. + +DICAEOPOLIS + First, throw down your stones. + +CHORUS + There! 'tis done. And you, do put away your sword. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Let me see that no stones remain concealed in your cloaks. + +CHORUS + They are all on the ground; see how we shake our garments. Come, + no haggling, lay down your sword; we threw away everything while + crossing from one side of the stage to the other.(1) + + f(1) The stage of the Greek theatre was much broader, and at the same + time shallower, than in a modern playhouse. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What cries of anguish you would have uttered had these coals of + Parnes(1) been dismembered, and yet it came very near it; had they + perished, their death would have been due to the folly of their + fellow-citizens. The poor basket was so frightened, look, it has + shed a thick black dust over me, the same as a cuttle-fish does. + What an irritable temper! You shout and throw stones, you will not + hear my arguments--not even when I propose to speak in favour of the + Lacedaemonians with my head on the block; and yet I cling to life. + + f(1) A mountain in Attica, in the neighbourhood of Acharnae. + +CHORUS + Well then, bring out a block before your door, scoundrel, and + let us hear the good grounds you can give us; I am curious to know + them. Now mind, as you proposed yourself, place your head on the block + and speak. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Here is the block; and, though I am but a very sorry speaker, I + wish nevertheless to talk freely of the Lacedaemonians and without the + protection of my buckler. Yet I have many reasons for fear. I know our + rustics; they are delighted if some braggart comes, and rightly or + wrongly, loads both them and their city with praise and flattery; they + do not see that such toad-eaters(1) are traitors, who sell them for gain. + As for the old men, I know their weakness; they only seek to overwhelm + the accused with their votes.(2) Nor have I forgotten how Cleon treated + me because of my comedy last year;(3) he dragged me before the Senate + and there he uttered endless slanders against me; 'twas a tempest of + abuse, a deluge of lies. Through what a slough of mud he dragged me! I + almost perished. Permit me, therefore, before I speak, to dress in the + manner most likely to draw pity. + + f(1) Orators in the pay of the enemy. + + f(2) Satire on the Athenians' addiction to law-suits. + + f(3) 'The Babylonians.' Cleon had denounced Aristophanes to the Senate for + having scoffed at Athens before strangers, many of whom were present at + the performance. The play is now lost. + +CHORUS + What evasions, subterfuges and delays! Hold! here is the sombre + helmet of Pluto with its thick bristling plume; Hieronymus(1) lends it to + you; then open Sisyphus'(2) bag of wiles; but hurry, hurry, pray, for + discussion does not admit of delay. + + f(1) A tragic poet; we know next to nothing of him or his works. + + f(2) Son of Aeolus, renowned in fable for his robberies, and for the tortures + to which he was put by Pluto. He was cunning enough to break loose out + of hell, but Hermes brought him back again. + +DICAEOPOLIS + The time has come for me to manifest my courage, so I will go + and seek Euripides. Ho! slave, slave! + +SLAVE + Who's there? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Is Euripides at home? + +SLAVE + He is and he isn't; understand that, if you have wit for't. + +DICAEOPOLIS + How? He is and he isn't!(1) + + f(1) This whole scene is directed at Euripides; Aristophanes ridicules the + subtleties of his poetry and the trickeries of his staging, which, according + to him, he only used to attract the less refined among his audience. + +SLAVE + Certainly, old man; busy gathering subtle fancies here and + there, his mind is not in the house, but he himself is; perched aloft, + he is composing a tragedy. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, Euripides, you are indeed happy to have a slave so quick at + repartee! Now, fellow, call your master. + +SLAVE + Impossible! + +DICAEOPOLIS + So much the worse. But I will not go. Come, let us knock at the door. + Euripides, my little Euripides, my darling Euripides, listen; + never had man greater right to your pity. It is Dicaeopolis of the + Chollidan Deme who calls you. Do you hear? + +EURIPIDES + I have no time to waste. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Very well, have yourself wheeled out here.(1) + + f(1) "Wheeled out"--that is, by means of a mechanical contrivance of + the Greek stage, by which an interior was shown, the set scene + with performers, etc., all complete, being in some way, which cannot + be clearly made out from the descriptions, swung out or wheeled out + on to the main stage. + +EURIPIDES + Impossible. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Nevertheless... + +EURIPIDES + Well, let them roll me out; as to coming down, I have not + the time. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Euripides.... + +EURIPIDES + What words strike my ear? + +DICAEOPOLIS + You perch aloft to compose tragedies, when you might just as + well do them on the ground. I am not astonished at your introducing + cripples on the stage.(1) And why dress in these miserable tragic rags? + I do not wonder that your heroes are beggars. But, Euripides, on my knees + I beseech you, give me the tatters of some old piece; for I have to + treat the Chorus to a long speech, and if I do it ill it is all over + with me. + + f(1) Having been lamed, it is of course implied, by tumbling from the lofty + apparatus on which the Author sat perched to write his tragedies. + +EURIPIDES + What rags do you prefer? Those in which I rigged out Aeneus(1) on + the stage, that unhappy, miserable old man? + + f(1) Euripides delighted, or was supposed by his critic Aristophanes to + delight, in the representation of misery and wretchedness on the stage. + 'Aeneus,' 'Phoenix,' 'Philoctetes,' 'Bellerophon,' 'Telephus,' Ino' are titles + of six tragedies of his in this genre of which fragments are extant. + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, I want those of some hero still more unfortunate. + +EURIPIDES + Of Phoenix, the blind man? + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, not of Phoenix, you have another hero more unfortunate than him. + +EURIPIDES + Now, what tatters DOES he want? Do you mean those of the beggar + Philoctetes? + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, of another far more the mendicant. + +EURIPIDES + Is it the filthy dress of the lame fellow, Bellerophon? + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, 'tis not Bellerophon; he, whom I mean, was not only lame and a + beggar, but boastful and a fine speaker. + +EURIPIDES + Ah! I know, it is Telephus, the Mysian. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Yes, Telephus. Give me his rags, I beg of you. + +EURIPIDES + Slave! give him Telephus' tatters; they are on top of the rags + of Thyestes and mixed with those of Ino. + +SLAVE + Catch hold! here they are. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! Zeus, whose eye pierces everywhere and embraces all, permit me + to assume the most wretched dress on earth. Euripides, cap your + kindness by giving me the little Mysian hat, that goes so well with + these tatters. I must to-day have the look of a beggar; "be what I am, + but not appear to be";(1) the audience will know well who I am, but + the Chorus will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe 'em with my + subtle phrases. + + f(1) + Line borrowed from Euripides. A great number of verses are similarly + parodied in this scene. + +EURIPIDES + I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an ingenious + brain like yours. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Rest happy, and may it befall Telephus as I wish. Ah! I already + feel myself filled with quibbles. But I must have a beggar's staff. + +EURIPIDES + Here you are, and now get you gone from this porch. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, my soul! You see how you are driven from this house, when I + still need so many accessories. But let us be pressing, obstinate, + importunate. Euripides, give me a little basket with a lamp alight inside. + +EURIPIDES + Whatever do you want such a thing as that for? + +DICAEOPOLIS + I do not need it, but I want it all the same. + +EURIPIDES + You importune me; get you gone! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Alas! may the gods grant you a destiny as brilliant as your + mother's.(1) + + f(1) Report said that Euripides' mother had sold vegetables on the market. + +EURIPIDES + Leave me in peace. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, just a little broken cup. + +EURIPIDES + Take it and go and hang yourself. What a tiresome fellow! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me. Dear, good + Euripides, nothing beyond a small pipkin stoppered with a sponge. + +EURIPIDES + Miserable man! You are robbing me of an entire tragedy.(1) Here, take it + and be off. + + f(1) Aristophanes means, of course, to imply that the whole talent of + Euripides lay in these petty details of stage property. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I + have it, I am a dead man. Hearken, my little Euripides, only give me + this and I go, never to return. For pity's sake, do give me a few + small herbs for my basket. + +EURIPIDES + You wish to ruin me then. Here, take what you want; but it is + all over with my pieces! + +DICAEOPOLIS + I won't ask another thing; I'm going. I am too importunate and + forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings.--Ah! wretch that I am! + I am lost! I have forgotten one thing, without which all the rest is + as nothing. Euripides, my excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides, + may I die if I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the last, + absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your mother left + you in her will. + +EURIPIDES + Insolent hound! Slave, lock the door! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, my soul! I must go away without the chervil. Art thou + sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in + defending the Lacedaemonians? Courage, my soul, we must plunge + into the midst of it. Dost thou hesitate and art thou fully steeped + in Euripides? That's right! do not falter, my poor heart, and let us risk + our head to say what we hold for truth. Courage and boldly to + the front. I wonder I am so brave. + +CHORUS + What do you purport doing? what are you going to say? What an + impudent fellow! what a brazen heart! to dare to stake his head and + uphold an opinion contrary to that of us all! And he does not + tremble to face this peril. Come, it is you who desired it, speak! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a beggar, I dare in + a Comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the public weal; + Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right. I shall not please, + but I shall say what is true. Besides, Cleon shall not be able to accuse + me of attacking Athens before strangers;(1) we are by ourselves at the + festival of the Lenaea; the period when our allies send us their tribute + and their soldiers is not yet. Here is only the pure wheat + without chaff; as to the resident strangers settled among us, they + and the citizens are one, like the straw and the ear. + +I detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may Posidon, + the god of Taenarus,(2) cause an earthquake and overturn their dwellings! + My vines also have been cut. But come (there are only friends who + hear me), why accuse the Laconians of all our woes? Some men (I do not + say the city, note particularly that I do not say the city), some + wretches, lost in vices, bereft of honour, who were not even + citizens of good stamp, but strangers, have accused the Megarians of + introducing their produce fraudulently, and not a cucumber, a leveret, + a suck(l)ing pig, a clove of garlic, a lump of salt was seen without its + being said, "Halloa! these come from Megara," and their being + instantly confiscated. Thus far the evil was not serious and we were + the only sufferers. But now some young drunkards go to Megara and + carry off the courtesan Simaetha; the Megarians, hurt to the quick, run + off in turn with two harlots of the house of Aspasia; and so for three + gay women Greece is set ablaze. Then Pericles, aflame with ire on his + Olympian height, let loose the lightning, caused the thunder to + roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, which ran like the song, "That + the Megarians be banished both from our land and from our markets + and from the sea and from the continent."(3) Meanwhile the Megarians, + who were beginning to die of hunger, begged the Lacedaemonians to bring + about the abolition of the decree, of which those harlots were the + cause; several times we refused their demand; and from that time there + was horrible clatter of arms everywhere. You will say that Sparta + was wrong, but what should she have done? Answer that. Suppose that + a Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian(4) dog on any pretext and + had sold it, would you have endured it quietly? Far from it, you would + at once have sent three hundred vessels to sea, and what an uproar + there would have been through all the city! there 'tis a band of + noisy soldiery, here a brawl about the election of a Trierarch; + elsewhere pay is being distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are + being regilded, crowds are surging under the market porticos, + encumbered with wheat that is being measured, wine-skins, + oar-leathers, garlic, olives, onions in nets; everywhere are chaplets, + sprats, flute-girls, black eyes; in the arsenal bolts are being + noisily driven home, sweeps are being made and fitted with leathers; + we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of flutes and fifes to + encourage the work-folk. That is what you assuredly would have done, + and would not Telephus have done the same? So I come to my general + conclusion; we have no common sense. + + f(1) 'The Babylonians' had been produced at a time of year when Athens + was crowded with strangers; 'The Acharnians,' on the contrary, was played + in December. + + f(2) Sparta had been menaced with an earthquake in 427 B.C. Posidon + was 'The Earthshaker,' god of earthquakes, as well as of the sea. + + f(3) A song by Timocreon the Rhodian, the words of which were practically + identical with Pericles' decree. + + f(4) A small and insignificant island, one of the Cyclades, allied with + the Athenians, like months of these islands previous to and during + the first part of the Peloponnesian War. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS + Oh! wretch! oh! infamous man! You are naught but a beggar and + yet you dare to talk to us like this! you insult their worships + the informers! + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS + By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a single detail. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS + But though it be true, need he say it? But you'll have no great + cause to be proud of your insolence! + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS + Where are you running to? Don't you move; if you strike this man, + I shall be at you. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS + Lamachus, whose glance flashes lightning, whose plume + petrifies thy foes, help! Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero of my + tribe and all of you, both officers and soldiers, defenders of our + walls, come to my aid; else is it all over with me! + +LAMACHUS + Whence comes this cry of battle? where must I bring my aid? + where must I sow dread? who wants me to uncase my dreadful Gorgon's + head?(1) + + f(1) A figure of Medusa's head, forming the centre of Lamachus' shield. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, Lamachus, great hero! Your plumes and your cohorts terrify me. + +CHORUS + This man, Lamachus, incessantly abuses Athens. + +LAMACHUS + You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this sort? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, brave Lamachus, forgive a beggar who speaks at hazard. + +LAMACHUS + But what have you said? Let us hear. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me dizzy. + Oh! I adjure you, take that fearful Gorgon somewhat farther away. + +LAMACHUS + There. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Now place it face downwards on the ground. + +LAMACHUS + It is done. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Give me a plume out of your helmet. + +LAMACHUS + Here is a feather. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my stomach. + +LAMACHUS + Hah! what are you proposing to do? do you want to make yourself + vomit with this feather? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Is it a feather? what bird's? a braggart's? + +LAMACHUS + Ah! ah! I will rip you open. + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, no, Lamachus! Violence is out of place here! But as you are so + strong, why did you not circumcise me? You have all the tools you want + for the operation there. + +LAMACHUS + A beggar dares thus address a general! + +DICAEOPOLIS + How? Am I a beggar? + +LAMACHUS + What are you then? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Who am I? A good citizen, not ambitious; a soldier, who has fought + well since the outbreak of the war, whereas you are but a vile + mercenary. + +LAMACHUS + They elected me... + +DICAEOPOLIS + Yes, three cuckoos did!(1) If I have concluded peace, 'twas + disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks and + young fellows of your age shirking service. Some are in Thrace getting + an allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisamenophoenippus + and Panurgipparchides. The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men + like Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same + kidney, too, at Camarina and at Gela,(2) the laughing-stock of all and sundry. + + f(1) Indicates the character of his election, which was arranged, so + Aristophanes implies, by his partisans. + + f(2) Town in Sicily. There is a pun on the name Gela and 'ridiculous' + which it is impossible to keep in English. Apparently the Athenians + had sent embassies to all parts of the Greek world to arrange treaties + of alliance in view of the struggle with the Lacedaemonians; but only + young debauchees of aristocratic connections had been chosen as envoys. + +LAMACHUS + They were elected. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these + others ever gets any? Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair; well then, + have you ever been entrusted with a mission? See! he shakes his + head. Yet he is an active as well as a prudent man. And you, Dracyllus, + Euphorides or Prinides, have you knowledge of Ecbatana or + Chaonia? You say no, do you not? Such offices are good for the son + of Caesyra(1) and Lamachus, who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never + pay their shot, and whom all their friends avoid as foot passengers + dodge the folks who empty their slops out of window. + + f(1) A contemporary orator apparently, otherwise unknown. + +LAMACHUS + Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you know. + +LAMACHUS + But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at sea, on land + and everywhere to make them tremble, and trounce them soundly. + +DICAEOPOLIS + For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians, + Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open; but I debar + Lamachus from entering them. + +CHORUS + Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their view + and approve him for having concluded peace. But let us prepare for the + recital of the parabasis.(1) + +Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised himself + upon the stage; but, having been slandered by his enemies amongst + the volatile Athenians, accused of scoffing at his country and of + insulting the people, to-day he wishes to reply and regain for himself + the inconstant Athenians. He maintains that he has done much that is + good for you; if you no longer allow yourselves to be too much + hoodwinked by strangers or seduced by flattery, if in politics you are + no longer the ninnies you once were, it is thanks to him. Formerly, + when delegates from other cities wanted to deceive you, they had but + to style you, "the people crowned with violets," and at the word + "violets" you at once sat erect on the tips of your bums. Or if, to + tickle your vanity, someone spoke of "rich and sleek Athens," in + return for that "sleekness" he would get all, because he spoke of you + as he would have of anchovies in oil. In cautioning you against + such wiles, the poet has done you great service as well as + in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic + principle. Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their tributes, + wanted to see this great poet, who had dared to speak the truth to + Athens. And so far has the fame of his boldness reached that one day + the Great King, when questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first + asked them which of the two rival cities was the superior at sea, + and then immediately demanded at which it was that the comic poet + directed his biting satire. "Happy that city," he added, "if it + listens to his counsel; it will grow in power, and its victory is + assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians offer you peace, if you + will cede them Aegina; not that they care for the isle, but they + wish to rob you of your poet.(2) As for you, never lose him, who will + always fight for the cause of justice in his Comedies; he promises you + that his precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses neither + flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of loading + you with praise, he will point you to the better way. I scoff at + Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and justice shall fight my cause; + never will you find me a political poltroon, a prostitute to the + highest bidder. + +I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as the devouring fire; + sudden as the spark that bursts from the crackling oaken coal when + roused by the quickening fan to fry little fishes, while others knead + the dough or whip the sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break + forth, my Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous, + stirring strains. + +We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach the city; + so many are the victories we have gained for the Athenian fleets + that we well deserve to be cared for in our declining life; yet far + from this, we are ill-used, harassed with law-suits, delivered over to + the scorn of stripling orators. Our minds and bodies being ravaged + with age, Posidon should protect us, yet we have no other support than + a staff. When standing before the judge, we can scarcely stammer forth + the fewest words, and of justice we see but its barest shadow, whereas + the accuser, desirous of conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us + with his ready rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with + questions, lays traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets and ruins + poor old Tithonus, who, crushed with age, stands tongue-tied; + sentenced to a fine,(3) he weeps, he sobs and says to his friend, + "This fine robs me of the last trifle that was to have bought my coffin." + +Is this not a scandal? What! the clepsydra(4) is to kill the + white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft covered + himself with glorious sweat, whose valour at Marathon saved the + country! 'Twas we who pursued on the field of Marathon, + whereas now 'tis wretches who pursue us to the death and crush us! + What would Marpsias reply to this?(5) What an injustice that a man, + bent with age like Thucydides, should be brow-beaten by this braggart + advocate, Cephisodemus,(6) who is as savage as the Scythian desert + he was born in! Is it not to convict him from the outset? I wept tears + of pity when I saw an Archer(7) maltreat this old man, who, by Ceres, + when he was young and the true Thucydides, would not have permitted + an insult from Ceres herself! At that date he would have floored + ten orators, he would have terrified three thousand Archers with his + shouts; he would have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his shafts. + Ah! but if you will not leave the aged in peace, decree that the advocates + be matched; thus the old man will only be confronted with a toothless + greybeard, the young will fight with the braggart, the ignoble + with the son of Clinias;(8) make a law that in the future, the old man + can only be summoned and convicted at the courts by the aged + and the young man by the youth. + + f(1) The 'parabasis' in the Old Comedy was a sort of address or topical + harangue addressed directly by the poet, speaking by the Chorus, + to the audience. It was nearly always political in bearing, and the subject + of the particular piece was for the time being set aside altogether. + + f(2) It will be remembered that Aristophanes owned land in Aegina. + + f(3) Everything was made the object of a law-suit in Athens. The old + soldiers, inexpert at speaking, often lost the day. + + f(4) A water-clock used to limit the length of speeches in the courts. + + f(5) A braggart speaker, fiery and pugnacious. + + f(6) Cephisodemus was an Athenian, but through his mother possessed + Scythian blood. + + f(7) The city of Athens was policed by Scythian archers. + + f(8) Alcibiades. + +DICAEOPOLIS + These are the confines of my market-place. All Peloponnesians, + Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come and trade here, + provided they sell their wares to me and not to Lamachus. As + market-inspectors I appoint these three whips of Leprean(1) leather, + chosen by lot. Warned away are all informers and all men of Phasis.(2) + They are bringing me the pillar on which the treaty is inscribed(3) and + I shall erect it in the centre of the market, well in sight of all. + + f(1) The leather market was held in Lepros, outside the city. + + f(2) Mean an informer ((from the Greek) 'to denounce'). + + f(3) According to the Athenian custom. + +A MEGARIAN + Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians. Let Zeus, the patron + of friendship, witness, I regretted you as a mother mourns her son. + Come, poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, try to find + something to eat; listen to me with the full heed of an empty belly. + Which would you prefer? To be sold or to cry with hunger? + +DAUGHTERS + To be sold, to be sold! + +MEGARIAN + That is my opinion too. But who would make so sorry a deal as to + buy you? Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going to disguise + you as little porkers, that I am offering for sale. Fit your hands + with these hoofs and take care to appear the issue of a sow of good + breed, for, if I am forced to take you back to the house, by Hermes! + you will suffer cruelly of hunger! Then fix on these snouts and cram + yourselves into this sack. Forget not to grunt and to say wee-wee like + the little pigs that are sacrificed in the Mysteries. I must summon + Dicaeopolis. Where is be? Dicaeopolis, do you want to buy + some nice little porkers? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Who are you? a Megarian? + +MEGARIAN + I have come to your market. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Well, how are things at Megara?(1) + + f(1) Megara was allied to Sparta and suffered during the war more than + any other city because of its proximity to Athens. + +MEGARIAN + We are crying with hunger at our firesides. + +DICAEOPOLIS + The fireside is jolly enough with a piper. But what else is + doing at Megara, eh? + +MEGARIAN + What else? When I left for the market, the authorities were taking + steps to let us die in the quickest manner. + +DICAEOPOLIS + That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles. + +MEGARIAN + True. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What other news of Megara? What is wheat selling at? + +MEGARIAN + With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Is it salt that you are bringing? + +MEGARIAN + Are you not holding back the salt? + +DICAEOPOLIS + 'Tis garlic then? + +MEGARIAN + What! garlic! do you not at every raid grub up the ground with your + pikes to pull out every single head? + +DICAEOPOLIS + What DO you bring then? + +MEGARIAN + Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! very well, show me them. + +MEGARIAN + They are very fine; feel their weight. See! how fat and fine. + +DICAEOPOLIS + But what is this? + +MEGARIAN + A SOW, for a certainty.(1) + + f(1) Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon (a) word + which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs of generation.' + +DICAEOPOLIS + You say a sow! Of what country, then? + +MEGARIAN + From Megara. What! is it not a sow then? + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, I don't believe it is. + +MEGARIAN + This is too much! what an incredulous man! He says 'tis not a sow; + but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with + thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else. + +DICAEOPOLIS + But a sow of the human kind. + +MEGARIAN + Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed! Well! What think + you? will you hear them squeal? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Well, yes, I' faith, I will. + +MEGARIAN + Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take you + back to the house. + +GIRL + Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +MEGARIAN + Is that a little sow, or not? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine fat bitch. + +MEGARIAN + In five years it will be just like its mother. + +DICAEOPOLIS + But it cannot be sacrificed. + +MEGARIAN + And why not? + +DICAEOPOLIS + It has no tail.(1) + + f(1) Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an animal, + therefore, without a tail could not be offered. + +MEGARIAN + Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big one, + thick and red. + +DICAEOPOLIS + The two are as like as two peas. + +MEGARIAN + They are born of the same father and mother; let them be fattened, + let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows you can + offer to Aphrodite. + +DICAEOPOLIS + But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite. + +MEGARIAN + Not sows to Aphrodite! Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom they + are offered! the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Can they eat alone? They no longer need their mother! + +MEGARIAN + Certainly not, nor their father. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What do they like most? + +MEGARIAN + Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Speak! little sow. + +DAUGHTER + Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Can you eat chick-pease? + +DAUGHTER + Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS + And Attic figs? + +DAUGHTER + Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS + What sharp squeaks at the name of figs. Come, let some figs be + brought for these little pigs. Will they eat them? Goodness! how + they munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I + believe those pigs hail from the land of the Voracians. But surely + 'tis impossible they have bolted all the figs! + +MEGARIAN + Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! what funny creatures! For what sum will you sell them? + +MEGARIAN + I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if you + like, for a quart measure of salt. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I buy them of you. Wait for me here. + +MEGARIAN + The deal is done. Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may sell + both my wife and my mother in the same way! + +AN INFORMER + Hi! fellow, what countryman are you? + +MEGARIAN + I am a pig-merchant from Megara. + +INFORMER + I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies. + +MEGARIAN + Ah! here our troubles begin afresh! + +INFORMER + Let go that sack. I will punish your Megarian lingo!(1) + + f(1) The Megarians used the Doric dialect. + +MEGARIAN + Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Who dares do this thing? Inspectors, drive out the informers. + Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp!(1) + + f(1) A play upon (a) word which both means 'to light' and 'to denounce.' + +INFORMER + What! I may not denounce our enemies? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Have a care for yourself, if you don't go off pretty quick to denounce + elsewhere. + +MEGARIAN + What a plague to Athens! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Be reassured, Megarian. Here is the price for your two swine, + the garlic and the salt. Farewell and much happiness! + +MEGARIAN + Ah! we never have that amongst us. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Well! may the inopportune wish apply to myself. + +MEGARIAN + Farewell, dear little sows, and seek, far from your father, to + munch your bread with salt, if they give you any. + +CHORUS + Here is a man truly happy. See how everything succeeds to his + wish. Peacefully seated in his market, he will earn his living; woe to + Ctesias,(1) and all other informers who dare to enter there! You will not + be cheated as to the value of wares, you will not again see Prepis(2) + wiping his foul rump, nor will Cleonymus(3) jostle you; you will take your + walks, clothed in a fine tunic, without meeting Hyperbolus(4) and his + unceasing quibblings, without being accosted on the public place by + any importunate fellow, neither by Cratinus,(5) shaven in the fashion + of the debauchees, nor by this musician, who plagues us with his silly + improvisations, Artemo, with his arm-pits stinking as foul as a goat, + like his father before him. You will not be the butt of the villainous + Pauson's(6) jeers, nor of Lysistratus,(7) the disgrace + of the Cholargian deme, who is the incarnation of all the vices, + and endures cold and hunger more than thirty days in the month. + + f(1) An informer (sycophant), otherwise unknown. + + f(2) A debauchee of vile habits; a pathic. + + f(3) Mentioned above; he was as proud as he was cowardly. + + f(4) An Athenian general, quarrelsome and litigious, and an Informer + into the bargain. + + f(5) A comic poet of vile habits. + + f(6) A painter. + + f(7) A debauchee, a gambler, and always in extreme poverty. + +A BOEOTIAN + By Heracles! my shoulder is quite black and blue. Ismenias, put + the penny-royal down there very gently, and all of you, musicians + from Thebes, pipe with your bone flutes into a dog's rump.(1) + + f(1) This kind of flute had a bellows, made of dog-skin, much like + the bagpipes of to-day. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Enough, enough, get you gone. Rascally hornets, away with you! + Whence has sprung this accursed swarm of Charis(1) fellows which comes + assailing my door? + + f(1) A flute-player, mentioned above. + +BOEOTIAN + Ah! by Iolas!(1) Drive them off, my dear host, you will please me + immensely; all the way from Thebes, they were there piping behind me + and have completely stripped my penny-royal of its blossom. + But will you buy anything of me, some chickens or some locusts? + + f(1) A hero, much honoured in Thebes; nephew of Heracles. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! good day, Boeotian, eater of good round loaves.(1) What do you + bring? + + f(1) A form of bread peculiar to Boeotia. + +BOEOTIAN + All that is good in Boeotia, marjoram, penny-royal, rush-mats, + lamp-wicks, ducks, jays, woodcocks, water-fowl, wrens, divers. + +DICAEOPOLIS + 'Tis a very hail of birds that beats down on my market. + +BOEOTIAN + I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, lyres, + martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.(1) + + f(1) A lake in Boeotia. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish, + let me salute your eels. + +BOEOTIAN + Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and + complete the joy of our host. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou art here + at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets sigh, thou, who art + dear to Morychus.(1) Slaves, hither with the stove and the bellows. + Look at this charming eel, that returns to us after six long years + of absence.(2) Salute it, my children; as for myself, I will supply + coal to do honour to the stranger. Take it into my house; death itself + could not separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves. + + f(1) He was the Lucullus of Athens. + + f(2) This again fixes the date of the presentation of 'The + Acharnians' to 436 B.C., the sixth year of the War, since the + beginning of which Boeotia had been closed to the Athenians. + +BOEOTIAN + And what will you give me in return? + +DICAEOPOLIS + It will pay for your market dues. And as to the rest, what do + you wish to sell me? + +BOEOTIAN + Why, everything. + +DICAEOPOLIS + On what terms? For ready-money or in wares from these parts? + +BOEOTIAN + I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got + in Boeotia. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Phaleric anchovies, pottery? + +BOEOTIAN + Anchovies, pottery? But these we have. I want produce that is + wanting with us and that is plentiful here. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up + carefully as crockery-ware. + +BOEOTIAN + By the twin gods! I should earn big money, if I took one; I + would exhibit him as an ape full of spite. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Hah! here we have Nicarchus,(1) who comes to denounce you. + + f(1) An informer. + +BOEOTIAN + How small he is! + +DICAEOPOLIS + But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature. + +NICARCHUS + Whose are these goods? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness. + +NICARCHUS + I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country. + +BOEOTIAN + What! you declare war against birds? + +NICARCHUS + And I am going to denounce you too. + +BOEOTIAN + What harm have I done you? + +NICARCHUS + I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you introduce lamp-wicks + from an enemy's country. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Then you go as far as denouncing a wick. + +NICARCHUS + It needs but one to set an arsenal afire. + +DICAEOPOLIS + A wick set an arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods? + +NICARCHUS + Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing, and, taking + advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into + the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels, everything + would soon be devoured by the flames. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick devour everything! + (HE STRIKES HIM.) + +NICARCHUS (TO THE CHORUS) + You will bear witness, that he mishandles me. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Shut his mouth. Give me some hay; I am going to pack him up like + a vase, that he may not get broken on the road. + +CHORUS + Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not + break it when taking it away. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is cracked already; + he rings with a false note, which the gods abhor. + +CHORUS + But what will be done with him? + +DICAEOPOLIS + This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a vessel for holding + all foul things, a mortar for pounding together law-suits, a lamp + for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the mixing up and poisoning + of everything. + +CHORUS + None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a + ring about it. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if care is + taken to hang it head downwards. + +CHORUS + There! it is well packed now! + +BOEOTIAN + Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle. + +CHORUS + Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this informer, good for + anything, and fling him where you like. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here! + Boeotian, pick up your pottery. + +BOEOTIAN + Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be very + careful with it. + +DICAEOPOLIS + You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you will + profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you luck. + +A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS + Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS + What do you want crying this gait? + +SERVANT + Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups,(1) and I come by his order + to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a Copaic eel. + + f(1) The second day of the Dionysia or feasts of Bacchus, kept in the month + Anthesterion (February), and called the Anthesteria. They lasted three + days; the second being the Feast of Cups, the third the Feast of Pans. + Vases, filled with grain of all kinds, were borne in procession and + dedicated to Hermes. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel? + +SERVANT + 'Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, who is always brandishing + his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which o'ershadow + his helmet. + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his buckler. + Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes, and, if he comes + here making any din, I shall call the inspectors. As for myself, + I shall take away all these goods; I go home on thrushes' wings + and black-birds' pinions.(1) + + f(1) A parody on some verses from a lost poet. + +CHORUS + You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes to + his prudence, to his profound wisdom. You see how, since he has + concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to + eat hot. All good things flow towards him unsought. Never will I welcome + the god of war in my house; never shall he chant the "Harmodius" at + my table;(1) he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are + overflowing with good things and brings all manner of mischief at his + heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; 'tis vain to make him a + thousand offers, "be seated, pray, drink this cup, proffered in all + friendship," he burns our vine-stocks and brutally pours out the wine + from our vineyards + on the ground. This man, on the other hand, covers his table with + a thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these feathers + cast before his door to show us how he lives. + + f(1) A feasting song in honour of Harmodius, the assassin of Hipparchus + the Tyrant, son of Pisistratus. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh, Peace! companion of fair Aphrodite and of the sweet Graces, + how charming are thy features and yet I never knew it! Would that Eros + might join me to thee, Eros, crowned with roses as Zeuxis(1) shows him to + us! Perhaps I seem somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to make you a + threefold offering; despite my age I could plant a long row of vines for you; + then beside these some tender cuttings from the fig; finally a young + vine-stock, loaded with fruit and all around the field olive trees, which + would furnish us with oil, wherewith to anoint us both at the New Moons. + + f(1) The celebrated painter, born in Heraclea, a contemporary + of Aristophanes. + +HERALD + List, ye people! As was the custom of your forebears, empty a full + pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who first sees the + bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed the + herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily; keep them + a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets; + reach me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes. + +CHORUS + I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting? + +CHORUS + Ah! true indeed! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Slave! stir up the fire. + +CHORUS + See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How well + he understands the way to prepare a good dinner! + +A HUSBANDMAN + Ah! woe is me! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Heracles! What have we here? + +HUSBANDMAN + A most miserable man. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Keep your misery for yourself. + +HUSBANDMAN + Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a part + of your truce, were it but five years. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What has happened to you? + +HUSBANDMAN + I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers. + +DICAEOPOLIS + How? + +HUSBANDMAN + The Boeotians seized them at Phyle.(1) + + f(1) A deme and frontier fortress of Attica, near the Boeotian border. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white? + +HUSBANDMAN + Their dung made my wealth. + +DICAEOPOLIS + What can I do in the matter? + +HUSBANDMAN + Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you care for poor + Dercetes of Phyle, anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of peace. + +DICAEOPOLIS + But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine. + +HUSBANDMAN + Come, I adjure you; perhaps I shall recover my steers. + +DICAEOPOLIS + 'Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of Pittalus.(1) + + f(1) An Athenian physician of the day. + +HUSBANDMAN + Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet. + +DICAEOPOLIS + No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere. + +HUSBANDMAN + Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts! + +CHORUS + This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he will share it + with none. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry. + +CHORUS + What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Get the eels on the gridiron! + +CHORUS + You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your + neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Have this fried and let it be nicely browned. + +A BRIDESMAID + Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Who are you? + +BRIDESMAID + A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage feast. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Whoever he be, I thank him. + +BRIDESMAID + And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into this vase, + that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home + to do his duty to his young wife. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I + would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray? + +BRIDESMAID + I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you + from the bride privately. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Come, what do you wish to say? (THE BRIDESMAID WHISPERS IN + HIS EAR.) Ah! what a ridiculous demand! The bride burns with longing + to keep by her her husband's weapon. Come! \bring hither my truce; to + her alone will I give some of it, for she is a woman, and, as such, + should not suffer under the war. Here, friend, reach hither your vial. + And as to the manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a + levy of soldiers is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where + most needed. There, slave, take away my truce! Now, quick, bring me + the wine-flagon, that I may fill up the drinking bowls! + +CHORUS + I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he seems + to us the bearer of terrible tidings. + +HERALD + Oh! toils and battles, 'tis Lamachus! + +LAMACHUS + What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the glint + of arms. + +HERALD + The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and + your plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our borders. + They have learnt that a band of Boeotians intend taking advantage + of the Feast of Cups to invade our country. + +LAMACHUS + Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much! + It's cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Oh! warlike host of Lamachus! + +LAMACHUS + Wretch! do you dare to jeer me? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon? + +LAMACHUS + Oh! oh! what fearful tidings! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he bring me? + +HERALD + Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS + What is the matter? + +HERALD + Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and your cup; + 'tis the priest of Bacchus who invites you. But hasten, the guests + have been waiting for you a long while. All is ready--couches, + tables, cushions, chaplets, perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot; + biscuits, cakes, sesame-bread, tarts, lovely dancing women, the sweetest + charm of the festivity. But come with all haste. + +LAMACHUS + Oh! hostile gods! + +DICAEOPOLIS + This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great ugly Gorgon's head + for your patron. You, shut the door, and let someone get ready the meal. + +LAMACHUS + Slave! slave! my knapsack! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Slave! slave! a basket! + +LAMACHUS + Take salt and thyme, slave, and don't forget the onions. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions. + +LAMACHUS + Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have it cooked here. + +LAMACHUS + Bring me the plumes for my helmet. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes. + +LAMACHUS + How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers! + +DICAEOPOLIS + How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon! + +LAMACHUS + Bring me the case for my triple plume. + +DICAEOPOLIS + +Pass me over that dish of hare. + +LAMACHUS + OH! the moths have eaten the hair of my crest. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I shall always eat hare before dinner. + +LAMACHUS + Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armor? + +DICAEOPOLIS + Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes. + +LAMACHUS + Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me. + +DICAEOPOLIS + I do not address you; I am scolding my slave. Shall we wager and submit + the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the best to eat, a locust or + a thrush? + +LAMACHUS + Insolent hound! + +DICAEOPOLIS + He much prefers the locusts. + +LAMACHUS + Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to me. + +LAMACHUS + Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath. Hold it, slave, hold it tight. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer. + +LAMACHUS + Slave, the bracings for my shield. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings of my stomach. + +LAMACHUS + My round buckler with the Gorgon's head. + +DICAEOPOLIS + My round cheese-cake. + +LAMACHUS + What clumsy wit! + +DICAEOPOLIS + What delicious cheese-cake! + +LAMACHUS + Pour oil on the buckler. Hah! hah! I can see reflected there an old + man who will be accused of cowardice. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Pour honey on the cake. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who makes + Lamachus of the Gorgon's head weep with rage. + +LAMACHUS + Slave, full war armour. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Slave, my beaker; that is MY armour. + +LAMACHUS + With this I hold my ground with any foe. + +DICAEOPOLIS + And I with this with any tosspot. + +LAMACHUS + Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall carry the knapsack + +DICAEOPOLIS + Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall carry the cloak. + +LAMACHUS + Slave, take up the buckler and let's be off. It is snowing! Ah! + 'tis a question of facing the winter. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Take up the basket, 'tis a question of getting to the feast. + + +CHORUS + We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much. One goes + to mount guard and freeze, while the other will drink, crowned + with flowers, and then sleep with a young beauty, who will excite + him readily. + +I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the poet-historian, + the son of Psacas! When Choregus at the Lenaea, alas! alas! he + dismissed me dinnerless. May I see him devouring with his eyes a + cuttle-fish, just served, well cooked, hot and properly salted; and + the moment that he stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize + it and run off with it. Such is my first wish. I also hope for him a + misfortune at night. That returning all-fevered from horse practice, + he may meet an Orestes,(1) mad with drink, who breaks open his head; + that wishing to seize a stone, he, in the dark, may pick up a fresh stool, + hurl his missile, miss aim and hit Cratinus.(2) + + f(1) An allusion to the paroxysms of rage, as represented in many tragedies + familiar to an Athenian audience, of Orestes, the son of Agamemnon, + after he had killed his mother. + + f(2) No doubt the comic poet, rival of Aristophanes. + +SLAVE OF LAMACHUS + Slaves of Lamachus! Water, water in a little pot! Make it warm, get ready + cloths, cerate greasy wool and bandages for his ankle. In leaping a ditch, + the master has hurt himself against a stake; he has dislocated and twisted + his ankle, broken his head by falling on a stone, while his Gorgon shot far + away from his buckler. His mighty braggadocio plume rolled on the + ground; at this sight he uttered these doleful words, "Radiant star, I gaze + on thee for the last time; my eyes close to all light, I die." Having + said this, + he falls into the water, gets out again, meets some runaways and pursues + the robbers with his spear at their backsides.(1) But here he comes, + himself. Get the door open. + + f(1) Unexpected wind-up of the story. Aristophanes intends to deride + the boasting of Lamachus, who was always ascribing to himself most + unlikely exploits. + +LAMACHUS + Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain! I faint, I tremble! Alas! + I die! the foe's lance has struck me! But what would hurt me most + would be for Dicaeopolis to see me wounded thus and laugh + at my ill-fortune. + +DICAEOPOLIS (ENTERS WITH TWO COURTESANS) + Oh! my gods! what bosoms! Hard as a quince! Come, my treasures, give + me voluptuous kisses! Glue your lips to mine. Haha! I was the first to + empty my cup. + +LAMACHUS + Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer! accursed wounds! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus! (EMBRACES LAMACHUS.) + +LAMACHUS + By the hostile gods! (BITES DICAEOPOLIS.) + +DICAEOPOLIS + Ah! Great gods! + +LAMACHUS + Why do you embrace me? + +DICAEOPOLIS + And why do you bite me? + +LAMACHUS + 'Twas a cruel score I was paying back! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Scores are not evened at the Feast of Cups! + +LAMACHUS + Oh! Paean, Paean! + +DICAEOPOLIS + But to-day is not the feast of Paean. + +LAMACHUS + Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends! + +DICAEOPOLIS + And you, my darlings, take hold of this, both of you! + +LAMACHUS + This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim. + +DICAEOPOLIS + For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with lustfulness, + I want to be bundling in the dark. + +LAMACHUS + Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus. + +DICAEOPOLIS + Take me to the judges. Where is the king of the feast? + The wine-skin is mine! + +LAMACHUS + That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure! + +DICAEOPOLIS + You see this empty cup! I triumph! I triumph! + +CHORUS + Old man, I come at your bidding! You triumph! you triumph! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it at + a draught! + +CHORUS + You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin! + +DICAEOPOLIS + Follow me, singing "Triumph! Triumph!" + +CHORUS + Aye! we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin, and we all, + as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour, "Triumph, Triumph!" + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Acharnians, by Aristophanes + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ACHARNIANS *** + +***** This file should be named 3012.txt or 3012.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/1/3012/ + +Produced by Derek Davis, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Occasional Greek words +in the footnotes have not been included. Footnote numbers, in brackets, +start anew at [1] for each piece of dialogue, and each footnote follows +immediately the dialogue to which it refers, labeled thus: f[1]. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + + +This is the first of the series of three Comedies--'The Acharnians,' 'Peace' +and 'Lysistrata'--produced at intervals of years, the sixth, tenth and +twenty-first of the Peloponnesian War, and impressing on the Athenian +people the miseries and disasters due to it and to the scoundrels who by +their selfish and reckless policy had provoked it, the consequent ruin of +industry and, above all, agriculture, and the urgency of asking Peace. In +date it is the earliest play brought out by the author in his own name and +his first work of serious importance. It was acted at the Lenaean Festival, +in January, 426 B.C., and gained the first prize, Cratinus being second. + +Its diatribes against the War and fierce criticism of the general policy of +the War party so enraged Cleon that, as already mentioned, he +endeavoured to ruin the author, who in 'The Knights' retorted by a direct +and savage personal attack on the leader of the democracy. + +The plot is of the simplest. Dicaeopolis, an Athenian citizen, but a native of +Acharnae, one of the agricultural demes and one which had especially +suffered in the Lacedaemonian invasions, sick and tired of the ill-success +and miseries of the War, makes up his mind, if he fails to induce the +people to adopt his policy of "peace at any price," to conclude a private and +particular peace of his own to cover himself, his family, and his estate. The +Athenians, momentarily elated by victory and over-persuaded by the +demagogues of the day--Cleon and his henchmen, refuse to hear of such a +thing as coming to terms. Accordingly Dicaeopolis dispatches an envoy to +Sparta on his own account, who comes back presently with a selection of +specimen treaties in his pocket. The old man tastes and tries, special terms +are arranged, and the play concludes with a riotous and uproarious rustic +feast in honour of the blessings of Peace and Plenty. + +Incidentally excellent fun is poked at Euripides and his dramatic methods, +which supply matter for so much witty badinage in several others of our +author's pieces. + +Other specially comic incidents are: the scene where the two young +daughters of the famished Megarian are sold in the market at Athens as +suck[l]ing-pigs--a scene in which the convenient similarity of the Greek +words signifying a pig and the 'pudendum muliebre' respectively is +utilized in a whole string of ingenious and suggestive 'double entendres' +and ludicrous jokes; another where the Informer, or Market-Spy, is packed +up in a crate as crockery and carried off home by the Boeotian buyer. + +The drama takes its title from the Chorus, composed of old +men of Acharnae. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +DICAEOPOLIS +HERALD +AMPHITHEUS +AMBASSADORS +PSEUDARTABAS +THEORUS +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS +DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS +EURIPIDES +CEPHISOPHON, servant of Euripides +LAMACHUS +ATTENDANT OF LAMACHUS +A MEGARIAN +MAIDENS, daughters of the Megarian +A BOEOTIAN +NICARCHUS +A HUSBANDMAN +A BRIDESMAID +AN INFORMER +MESSENGERS +CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN ELDERS + + + + +SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx; afterwards Dicaeopolis' house in +the country. + + + +DICAEOPOLIS[1] (alone) +What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been the +pleasures in my life! Four, to be exact, while my troubles have been +as countless as the grains of sand on the shore! Let me see! of what +value to me have been these few pleasures? Ah! I remember that I was +delighted in soul when Cleon had to disgorge those five talents;[2] I was +in ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; 'it is an honour to +Greece.'[3] But the day when I was impatiently awaiting a piece by +Aeschylus,[4] what tragic despair it caused me when the herald called, +"Theognis,[5] introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how this blow struck +straight at my heart! On the other hand, what joy Dexitheus caused +me at the musical competition, when he played a Boeotian melody +on the lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what deadly torture +to hear Chaeris[6] perform the prelude in the Orthian mode![7] +--Never, however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my +eyes as it does to-day. Still it is the day of assembly; all should be +here at daybreak, and yet the Pnyx[8] is still deserted. They are +gossiping in the marketplace, slipping hither and thither to avoid +the vermilioned rope.[9] The Prytanes[10] even do not come; they will be +late, but when they come they will push and fight each other for a +seat in the front row. They will never trouble themselves with the +question of peace. Oh! Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to +come here before all the rest, and now, finding myself alone, I groan, +yawn, stretch, break wind, and know not what to do; I make sketches in +the dust, pull out my loose hairs, muse, think of my fields, long for +peace, curse town life and regret my dear country home,[11] which never +told me to 'buy fuel, vinegar or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which +cuts me in two, was unknown; I harvested everything at will. Therefore +I have come to the assembly fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and +abuse the speakers, if they talk of anything but peace. But here come the +Prytanes, and high time too, for it is midday! As I foretold, hah! is it +not so? They are pushing and fighting for the front seats. + +f[1] A name invented by Aristophanes and signifying 'a just citizen.' +f[2] Clean had received five talents from the islanders subject to Athens, +on condition that he should get the tribute payable by them reduced; when +informed of this transaction, the knights compelled him to return +the money. +f[3] A hemistich borrowed from Euripides' 'Telephus.' +f[4] The tragedies of Aeschylus continued to be played even after the +poet's death, which occurred in 436 B.C., ten years before the production +of 'The Acharnians.' +f[5] A tragic poet, whose pieces were so devoid of warmth and life that he +was nicknamed [the Greek for] 'snow.' +f[6] A bad musician, frequently ridiculed by Aristophanes; he played both +the lyre and the flute. +f[7] A lively and elevated method. +f[8] A hill near the Acropolis, where the Assemblies were held. +f[9] Several means were used to force citizens to attend the assemblies; +the shops were closed; circulation was only permitted in those streets which +led to the Pnyx; finally, a rope covered with vermilion was drawn round those +who dallied in the Agora (the market-place), and the late-comers, ear- +marked by the imprint of the rope, were fined. +f[10] Magistrates who, with the Archons and the Epistatae, shared the care +of holding and directing the assemblies of the people; they were fifty +in number. +f[11] The Peloponnesian War had already, at the date of the representation +of 'The Acharnians,' lasted five years, 431-426 B.C.; driven from their lands +by the successive Lacedaemonian invasions, the people throughout the +country had been compelled to seek shelter behind the walls of Athens. + +HERALD +Move on up, move on, move on, to get within the consecrated area.[1] + +f[1] Shortly before the meeting of the Assembly, a number of young pigs +were immolated and a few drops of their blood were sprinkled on the +seats of the Prytanes; this sacrifice was in honour of Ceres. + +AMPHITHEUS +Has anyone spoken yet? + +HERALD +Who asks to speak? + +AMPHITHEUS +I do. + +HERALD +Your name? + +AMPHITHEUS +Amphitheus. + +HERALD +You are no man.[1] + +f[1] The name, Amphitheus, contains [the Greek] word [for] 'god.' + +AMPHITHEUS +No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and +Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus. Celeus wedded Phaenerete, my +grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and, being born of him I am an +immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of +treating with the Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal, +I am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.[1] + +f[1] Amongst other duties, it was the office of the Prytanes to look after +the wants of the poor. + +A PRYTANIS +Guards! + +AMPHITHEUS +Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own blood? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an outrage +to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe +the sword. + +PRYTANIS +Sit down and keep silence! + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss the +question of peace. + +HERALD +The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock +ambassadors and their swagger. + +HERALD +Silence! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh! oh! by Ecbatana,[1] what a costume! + +f[1] The summer residence of the Great King. + +AN AMBASSADOR +During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the Great King +on a salary of two drachmae per diem. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! those poor drachmae! + +AMBASSADOR +We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping under a tent, +stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with weariness. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the +battlements![1] + +f[1] Referring to the hardships he had endured garrisoning the walls of +Athens during the Lacedaemonian invasions early in the War. + +AMBASSADOR +Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious +wine out of golden or crystal flagons.... + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, city of Cranaus,[1] thy ambassadors are laughing at thee! + +f[1] Cranaus, the second king of Athens, the successor of Cecrops. + +AMBASSADOR +For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as men +by the barbarians. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken debauchees. + +AMBASSADOR +At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, but +he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for the space of +eight months he was thus easing himself in the midst of the golden +mountains.[1] + +f[1] Lucian, in his 'Hermotimus,' speaks of these golden mountains as an +apocryphal land of wonders and prodigies. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And how long was he replacing his dress? + +AMBASSADOR +The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to his palace; +then he entertained us and had us served with oxen roasted whole +in an oven. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven? What a lie! + +AMBASSADOR +On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three +times as large as Cleonymus,[1] and called the Boaster. + +f[1] Cleonymus was an Athenian general of exceptionally tall stature; +Aristophanes incessantly rallies him for his cowardice; he had cast away +his buckler in a fight. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to all +this humbug? + +AMBASSADOR +We are bringing to you Pseudartabas[1], the King's Eye. + +f[1] A name borne by certain officials of the King of Persia. The actor of +this part wore a mask, fitted with a single eye of great size. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, you cursed +ambassador! + +HERALD +The King's Eye! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Eh! Great Gods! Friend, with thy great eye, round like the hole through +which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a galley +doubling a cape to gain port. + +AMBASSADOR +Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians +with which you were charged by the Great King. + +PSEUDARTABAS +Jartaman exarx 'anapissonia satra.[1] + +f[1] Jargon, no doubt meaningless in all languages. + +AMBASSADOR +Do you understand what he says? + +DICAEOPOLIS +By Apollo, not I! + +AMBASSADOR (TO THE PRYTANES) +He says that the Great King will send you gold. Come, utter the word +'gold' louder and more distinctly. + +PSEUDARTABAS +Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.[1] + +f[1] The Persians styled all Greeks 'Ionians' without distinction; here +the Athenians are intended. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough! + +AMBASSADOR +What does he say? + +DICAEOPOLIS +That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect to receive +gold from the barbarians. + +AMBASSADOR +Not so, he speaks of medimni[1] of gold. + +f[1] A Greek measure, containing about six modii. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What medimni? Thou are but a great braggart; but get your way; I +will find out the truth by myself. Come now, answer me clearly, if you +do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will the Great King send us gold? +(PSEUDARTABAS MAKES A NEGATIVE SIGN.) Then our ambassadors +are seeking to deceive us? (PSEUDARTABAS SIGNS AFFIRMATIVELY.) +These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure that they are +nothing but Athenians. Oh! ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is +Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius.[1] Behold the effrontery of this shaven +rump! How! great baboon, with such a beard do you seek to play the +eunuch to us? And this other one? Is it not Straton? + +f[1] Noted for his extreme ugliness and his obscenity. Aristophanes +frequently holds him to scorn in his comedies. + +HERALD +Silence! Let all be seated. The Senate invites the King's Eye to the +Prytaneum.[1] + +f[1] Ambassadors were entertained there at the public expense. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself? Here I +stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly +wide open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something great and +bold. Where is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me. + +AMPHITHEUS +Here I am. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with the +Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave you free, +my dear citizens, to send out embassies and to stand gaping in the air. + +HERALD +Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of Sitalces.[1] + +f[1] King of Thrace. + +THEORUS +I am here. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Another humbug! + +THEORUS +We should not have remained long in Thrace... + +DICAEOPOLIS +Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid. + +THEORUS +...if the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers were +ice-bound at the time that Theognis[1] brought out his tragedy here; +during the whole of that time I was holding my own with +Sitalces, cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you to such a degree, +that he wrote on the walls, "How beautiful are the Athenians!" His +son, to whom we gave the freedom of the city, burned with desire to +come here and eat chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia;[2] he prayed +his father to come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces swore on +his goblet that he would succour us with such a host that the Athenians +would exclaim, "What a cloud of grasshoppers!" + +f[1] The tragic poet. +f[2] A feast lasting three days and celebrated during the month Pyanepsion +(November). The Greek word contains the suggestion of fraud. + +DICAEOPOLIS +May I die if I believe a word of what you tell us! Excepting the +grasshoppers, there is not a grain of truth in it all! + +THEORUS +And he has sent you the most warlike soldiers of all Thrace. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Now we shall begin to see clearly. + +HERALD +Come hither, Thracians, whom Theorus brought. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What plague have we here? + +THEORUS +'Tis the host of the Odomanti.[1] + +f[1] A Thracian tribe from the right bank of the Strymon. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Of the Odomanti? Tell me what it means. Who has mutilated them +like this? + +THEORUS +If they are given a wage of two drachmae, they will put all +Boeotia[1] to fire and sword. + +f[1] The Boeotians were the allies of Sparta. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Two drachmae to those circumcised hounds! Groan aloud, ye people +of rowers, bulwark of Athens! Ah! great gods! I am undone; these +Odomanti are robbing me of my garlic![1] Will you give me back +my garlic? + +f[1] Dicaeopolis had brought a clove of garlic with him to eat during +the Assembly. + +THEORUS +Oh! wretched man! do not go near them; they have eaten garlic[1]. + +f[1] Garlic was given to game-cocks, before setting them at each other, +to give them pluck for the fight. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Prytanes, will you let me be treated in this manner, in my own +country and by barbarians? But I oppose the discussion of paying +a wage to the Thracians; I announce an omen; I have just felt a drop +of rain.[1] + +f[1] At the lest unfavourable omen, the sitting of the Assembly was +declared at an end. + +HERALD +Let the Thracians withdraw and return the day after tomorrow; +the Prytanes declare the sitting at an end. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ye gods, what garlic I have lost! But here comes Amphitheus +returned from Lacedaemon. Welcome, Amphitheus. + +AMPHITHEUS +No, there is no welcome for me and I fly as fast as I can, for I +am pursued by the Acharnians. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Why, what has happened? + +AMPHITHEUS +I was hurrying to bring your treaty of truce, but some old dotards +from Acharnae[1] got scent of the thing; they are veterans of Marathon, +tough as oak or maple, of which they are made for sure--rough and +ruthless. They all started a-crying: "Wretch! you are the bearer of +a treaty, and the enemy has only just cut our vines!" Meanwhile they +were gathering stones in their cloaks, so I fled and they ran after +me shouting. + +f[1] The deme of Acharnae was largely inhabited by charcoal-burners, +who supplied the city with fuel. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Let 'em shout as much as they please! But HAVE you brought me +a treaty? + +AMPHITHEUS +Most certainly, here are three samples to select from,[1] this one is +five years old; take it and taste. + +f[1] He presents them in the form of wines contained in three separate +skins. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Faugh! + +AMPHITHEUS +Well? + +DICAEOPOLIS +It does not please me; it smells of pitch and of the ships they are +fitting out.[1] + +f[1] Meaning, preparations for war. + +AMPHITHEUS +Here is another, ten years old; taste it. + +DICAEOPOLIS +It smells strongly of the delegates, who go around the towns +to chide the allies for their slowness.[1] + +f[1] Meaning, securing allies for the continuance of the war. + +AMPHITHEUS +This last is a truce of thirty years, both on sea and land. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh! by Bacchus! what a bouquet! It has the aroma of nectar and +ambrosia; this does not say to us, "Provision yourselves for three +days." But it lisps the gentle numbers, "Go whither you will."[1] +I accept it, ratify it, drink it at one draught and consign the +Acharnians to limbo. Freed from the war and its ills, I shall +keep the Dionysia[2] in the country. + +f[1] When Athens sent forth an army, the soldiers were usually ordered +to assemble at some particular spot with provisions for three days. +f[2] These feasts were also called the Anthesteria or Lenaea; the Lenaem +was a temple to Bacchus, erected outside the city. They took place +during the month Anthesterion (February). + +AMPHITHEUS +And I shall run away, for I'm mortally afraid of the Acharnians. + +CHORUS +This way all! Let us follow our man; we will demand him of +everyone we meet; the public weal makes his seizure imperative. Ho, +there! tell me which way the bearer of the truce has gone; he has escaped +us, he has disappeared. Curse old age! When I was young, in the days +when I followed Phayllus,[1] running with a sack of coals on my back, this +wretch would not have eluded my pursuit, let him be as swift as he will; +but now my limbs are stiff; old Lacratides[2] feels his legs are +weighty and the traitor escapes me. No, no, let us follow him; old +Acharnians like ourselves shall not be set at naught by a +scoundrel, who has dared, great gods! to conclude a truce, when I wanted +the war continued with double fury in order to avenge my ruined lands. +No mercy for our foes until I have pierced their hearts like sharp +reed, so that they dare never again ravage my vineyards. +Come, let us seek the rascal; let us look everywhere, carrying our +stones in our hands; let us hunt him from place to place until we trap +him; I could never, never tire of the delight of stoning him. + +f[1] A celebrated athlete from Croton and a victor at Olympia; he was +equally good as a runner and at the 'five exercises.' +f[2] He had been Archon at the time of the battle of Marathon. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Peace! profane men![1] + +f[1] A sacred formula, pronounced by the priest before offering +the sacrifice. + +CHORUS +Silence all! Friends, do you hear the sacred formula? Here is he, +whom we seek! This way, all! Get out of his way, surely he comes +to offer an oblation. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Peace, profane men! Let the basket-bearer[1] come forward, and thou +Xanthias, hold the phallus well upright.[2] + +f[1] The maiden who carried the basket filled with fruits at the Dionysia +in honour of Bacchus. +f[2] The emblem of the fecundity of nature; it consisted of a representation, +generally grotesquely exaggerated, of the male genital organs; +the phallophori crowned with violets and ivy and their faces shaded +with green foliage, sang improvised airs, call 'Phallics,' full of obscenity +and suggestive 'double entendres.' + +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS +Daughter, set down the basket and let us begin the sacrifice. + +DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS +Mother, hand me the ladle, that I may spread the sauce on the +cake. + +DICAEOPOLIS +It is well! Oh, mighty Bacchus, it is with joy that, freed from +military duty, I and all mine perform this solemn rite and offer +thee this sacrifice; grant that I may keep the rural Dionysia +without hindrance and that this truce of thirty years may be +propitious for me. + +WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS +Come, my child, carry the basket gracefully and with a grave, demure +face. Happy he, who shall be your possessor and embrace you so firmly +at dawn,[1] that you belch wind like a weasel. Go forward, and have a care +they don't snatch your jewels in the crowd. + +f[1] The most propitious moment for Love's gambols, observes the +scholiast. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Xanthias, walk behind the basket-bearer and hold the phallus well +erect; I will follow, singing the Phallic hymn; thou, wife, look on from +the top of the terrace.[1] Forward! Oh, Phales,[2] companion of the orgies +of Bacchus, night reveller, god of adultery, friend of young men, these +past six[3] years I have not been able to invoke thee. With what joy I +return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce I have concluded, freed +from cares, from fighting and from Lamachuses![4] How much sweeter, +oh Phales, oh, Phales, is it to surprise Thratta, the pretty woodmaid, +Strymodorus' slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus, to catch her +under the arms, to throw her on the ground and possess her, Oh, Phales, +Phales! If thou wilt drink and bemuse thyself with me, we shall +to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of the peace, and I will +hang up my buckler over the smoking hearth. + +f[1] Married women did not join in the processions. +f[2] The god of generation, worshipped in the form of a phallus. +f[3] A remark which fixes the date of the production of 'The Acharnians,' +viz. the sixth year of the Peloponnesian War, 426 B.C. +f[4] Lamachus was an Athenian general, who figures later in this comedy. + +CHORUS +It is he, he himself. Stone him, stone him, stone him, strike +the wretch. All, all of you, pelt him, pelt him! + +DICAEOPOLIS +What is this? By Heracles, you will smash my pot.[1] + +f[1] At the rural Dionysia a pot of kitchen vegetables was borne in +the procession along with other emblems. + +CHORUS +It is you that we are stoning, you miserable scoundrel. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And for what sin, Acharnian Elders, tell me that! + +CHORUS +You ask that, you impudent rascal, traitor to your country; you +alone amongst us all have concluded a truce, and you dare to look us +in the face! + +DICAEOPOLIS +But you do not know WHY I have treated for peace. Listen! + +CHORUS +Listen to you? No, no, you are about to die, we will annihilate +you with our stones. + +DICAEOPOLIS +But first of all, listen. Stop, my friends. + +CHORUS +I will hear nothing; do not address me; I hate you more than I +do Cleon,[1] whom one day I shall flay to make sandals for the Knights. +Listen to your long speeches, after you have treated with the +Laconians? No, I will punish you. + +f[1] Cleon the Demagogue was a currier originally by trade. He was the +sworn foe and particular detestation of the Knights or aristocratic party +generally. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Friends, leave the Laconians out of debate and consider only +whether I have not done well to conclude my truce. + +CHORUS +Done well! when you have treated with a people who know neither +gods, nor truth, nor faith. + +DICAEOPOLIS +We attribute too much to the Laconians; as for myself, I know that +they are not the cause of all our troubles. + +CHORUS +Oh, indeed, rascal! You dare to use such language to me and then +expect me to spare you! + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, no, they are not the cause of all our troubles, and I who +address you claim to be able to prove that they have much to +complain of in us. + +CHORUS +This passes endurance; my heart bounds with fury. Thus you dare to +defend our enemies. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Were my head on the block I would uphold what I say and rely on +the approval of the people. + +CHORUS +Comrades, let us hurl our stones and dye this fellow purple. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What black fire-brand has inflamed your heart! You will not hear +me? You really will not, Acharnians? + +CHORUS +No, a thousand times, no. + +DICAEOPOLIS +This is a hateful injustice. + +CHORUS +May I die, if I listen. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Nay, nay! have mercy, have mercy, Acharnians. + +CHORUS +You shall die. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Well, blood for blood! I will kill your dearest friend. I have +here the hostages of Acharnae;[1] I shall disembowel them. + +f[1] That is, the baskets of charcoal. + +CHORUS +Acharnians, what means this threat? Has he got one of our children +in his house? What gives him such audacity? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Stone me, if it please you; I shall avenge myself on this. +(SHOWS A BASKET.) Let us see whether you have any love +for your coals. + +CHORUS +Great Gods! this basket is our fellow-citizen. Stop, stop, +in heaven's name! + +DICAEOPOLIS +I shall dismember it despite your cries; I will listen to nothing. + +CHORUS +How! will you kill this coal-basket, my beloved comrade? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Just now, you would not listen to me. + +CHORUS +Well, speak now, if you will; tell us, tell us you have a weakness +for the Lacedaemonians. I consent to anything; never will I forsake +this dear little basket. + +DICAEOPOLIS +First, throw down your stones. + +CHORUS +There! 'tis done. And you, do put away your sword. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Let me see that no stones remain concealed in your cloaks. + +CHORUS +They are all on the ground; see how we shake our garments. Come, +no haggling, lay down your sword; we threw away everything while +crossing from one side of the stage to the other.[1] + +f[1] The stage of the Greek theatre was much broader, and at the same +time shallower, than in a modern playhouse. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What cries of anguish you would have uttered had these coals of +Parnes[1] been dismembered, and yet it came very near it; had they +perished, their death would have been due to the folly of their +fellow-citizens. The poor basket was so frightened, look, it has +shed a thick black dust over me, the same as a cuttle-fish does. +What an irritable temper! You shout and throw stones, you will not +hear my arguments--not even when I propose to speak in favour of the +Lacedaemonians with my head on the block; and yet I cling to life. + +f[1] A mountain in Attica, in the neighbourhood of Acharnae. + +CHORUS +Well then, bring out a block before your door, scoundrel, and +let us hear the good grounds you can give us; I am curious to know +them. Now mind, as you proposed yourself, place your head on the block +and speak. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Here is the block; and, though I am but a very sorry speaker, I +wish nevertheless to talk freely of the Lacedaemonians and without the +protection of my buckler. Yet I have many reasons for fear. I know our +rustics; they are delighted if some braggart comes, and rightly or +wrongly, loads both them and their city with praise and flattery; they +do not see that such toad-eaters[1] are traitors, who sell them for gain. +As for the old men, I know their weakness; they only seek to overwhelm +the accused with their votes.[2] Nor have I forgotten how Cleon treated +me because of my comedy last year;[3] he dragged me before the Senate +and there he uttered endless slanders against me; 'twas a tempest of +abuse, a deluge of lies. Through what a slough of mud he dragged me! I +almost perished. Permit me, therefore, before I speak, to dress in the +manner most likely to draw pity. + +f[1] Orators in the pay of the enemy. +f[2] Satire on the Athenians' addiction to law-suits. +f[3] 'The Babylonians.' Cleon had denounced Aristophanes to the Senate for +having scoffed at Athens before strangers, many of whom were present at +the performance. The play is now lost. + +CHORUS +What evasions, subterfuges and delays! Hold! here is the sombre +helmet of Pluto with its thick bristling plume; Hieronymus[1] lends it to +you; then open Sisyphus'[2] bag of wiles; but hurry, hurry, pray, for +discussion does not admit of delay. + +f[1] A tragic poet; we know next to nothing of him or his works. +f[2] Son of Aeolus, renowned in fable for his robberies, and for the tortures +to which he was put by Pluto. He was cunning enough to break loose out +of hell, but Hermes brought him back again. + +DICAEOPOLIS +The time has come for me to manifest my courage, so I will go +and seek Euripides. Ho! slave, slave! + +SLAVE +Who's there? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Is Euripides at home? + +SLAVE +He is and he isn't; understand that, if you have wit for't. + +DICAEOPOLIS +How? He is and he isn't![1] + +f[1] This whole scene is directed at Euripides; Aristophanes ridicules the +subtleties of his poetry and the trickeries of his staging, which, according +to him, he only used to attract the less refined among his audience. + +SLAVE +Certainly, old man; busy gathering subtle fancies here and +there, his mind is not in the house, but he himself is; perched aloft, +he is composing a tragedy. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, Euripides, you are indeed happy to have a slave so quick at +repartee! Now, fellow, call your master. + +SLAVE +Impossible! + +DICAEOPOLIS +So much the worse. But I will not go. Come, let us knock at the door. +Euripides, my little Euripides, my darling Euripides, listen; +never had man greater right to your pity. It is Dicaeopolis of the +Chollidan Deme who calls you. Do you hear? + +EURIPIDES +I have no time to waste. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Very well, have yourself wheeled out here.[1] + +f[1] "Wheeled out"--that is, by means of a mechanical contrivance of +the Greek stage, by which an interior was shown, the set scene +with performers, etc., all complete, being in some way, which cannot +be clearly made out from the descriptions, swung out or wheeled out +on to the main stage. + +EURIPIDES +Impossible. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Nevertheless... + +EURIPIDES +Well, let them roll me out; as to coming down, I have not +the time. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Euripides.... + +EURIPIDES +What words strike my ear? + +DICAEOPOLIS +You perch aloft to compose tragedies, when you might just as +well do them on the ground. I am not astonished at your introducing +cripples on the stage.[1] And why dress in these miserable tragic rags? +I do not wonder that your heroes are beggars. But, Euripides, on my knees +I beseech you, give me the tatters of some old piece; for I have to +treat the Chorus to a long speech, and if I do it ill it is all over +with me. + +f[1] Having been lamed, it is of course implied, by tumbling from the lofty +apparatus on which the Author sat perched to write his tragedies. + +EURIPIDES +What rags do you prefer? Those in which I rigged out Aeneus[1] on +the stage, that unhappy, miserable old man? + +f[1] Euripides delighted, or was supposed by his critic Aristophanes to +delight, in the representation of misery and wretchedness on the stage. +'Aeneus,' 'Phoenix,' 'Philoctetes,' 'Bellerophon,' 'Telephus,' Ino' are titles +of six tragedies of his in this genre of which fragments are extant. + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, I want those of some hero still more unfortunate. + +EURIPIDES +Of Phoenix, the blind man? + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, not of Phoenix, you have another hero more unfortunate than him. + +EURIPIDES +Now, what tatters DOES he want? Do you mean those of the beggar +Philoctetes? + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, of another far more the mendicant. + +EURIPIDES +Is it the filthy dress of the lame fellow, Bellerophon? + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, 'tis not Bellerophon; he, whom I mean, was not only lame and a +beggar, but boastful and a fine speaker. + +EURIPIDES +Ah! I know, it is Telephus, the Mysian. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Yes, Telephus. Give me his rags, I beg of you. + +EURIPIDES +Slave! give him Telephus' tatters; they are on top of the rags +of Thyestes and mixed with those of Ino. + +SLAVE +Catch hold! here they are. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh! Zeus, whose eye pierces everywhere and embraces all, permit me +to assume the most wretched dress on earth. Euripides, cap your +kindness by giving me the little Mysian hat, that goes so well with +these tatters. I must to-day have the look of a beggar; "be what I am, +but not appear to be";[1] the audience will know well who I am, but +the Chorus will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe 'em with my +subtle phrases. + +f[1] +Line borrowed from Euripides. A great number of verses are similarly +parodied in this scene. + +EURIPIDES +I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an ingenious +brain like yours. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Rest happy, and may it befall Telephus as I wish. Ah! I already +feel myself filled with quibbles. But I must have a beggar's staff. + +EURIPIDES +Here you are, and now get you gone from this porch. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, my soul! You see how you are driven from this house, when I +still need so many accessories. But let us be pressing, obstinate, +importunate. Euripides, give me a little basket with a lamp alight inside. + +EURIPIDES +Whatever do you want such a thing as that for? + +DICAEOPOLIS +I do not need it, but I want it all the same. + +EURIPIDES +You importune me; get you gone! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Alas! may the gods grant you a destiny as brilliant as your +mother's.[1] + +f[1] Report said that Euripides' mother had sold vegetables on the market. + +EURIPIDES +Leave me in peace. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, just a little broken cup. + +EURIPIDES +Take it and go and hang yourself. What a tiresome fellow! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me. Dear, good +Euripides, nothing beyond a small pipkin stoppered with a sponge. + +EURIPIDES +Miserable man! You are robbing me of an entire tragedy.[1] Here, take it +and be off. + +f[1] Aristophanes means, of course, to imply that the whole talent of +Euripides lay in these petty details of stage property. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I +have it, I am a dead man. Hearken, my little Euripides, only give me +this and I go, never to return. For pity's sake, do give me a few +small herbs for my basket. + +EURIPIDES +You wish to ruin me then. Here, take what you want; but it is +all over with my pieces! + +DICAEOPOLIS +I won't ask another thing; I'm going. I am too importunate and +forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings.--Ah! wretch that I am! +I am lost! I have forgotten one thing, without which all the rest is +as nothing. Euripides, my excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides, +may I die if I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the last, +absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your mother left +you in her will. + +EURIPIDES +Insolent hound! Slave, lock the door! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, my soul! I must go away without the chervil. Art thou +sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in +defending the Lacedaemonians? Courage, my soul, we must plunge +into the midst of it. Dost thou hesitate and art thou fully steeped +in Euripides? That's right! do not falter, my poor heart, and let us risk +our head to say what we hold for truth. Courage and boldly to +the front. I wonder I am so brave. + +CHORUS +What do you purport doing? what are you going to say? What an +impudent fellow! what a brazen heart! to dare to stake his head and +uphold an opinion contrary to that of us all! And he does not +tremble to face this peril. Come, it is you who desired it, speak! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a beggar, I dare in +a Comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the public weal; +Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right. I shall not please, +but I shall say what is true. Besides, Cleon shall not be able to accuse +me of attacking Athens before strangers;[1] we are by ourselves at the +festival of the Lenaea; the period when our allies send us their tribute +and their soldiers is not yet. Here is only the pure wheat +without chaff; as to the resident strangers settled among us, they +and the citizens are one, like the straw and the ear. + +I detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may Posidon, +the god of Taenarus,[2] cause an earthquake and overturn their dwellings! +My vines also have been cut. But come (there are only friends who +hear me), why accuse the Laconians of all our woes? Some men (I do not +say the city, note particularly that I do not say the city), some +wretches, lost in vices, bereft of honour, who were not even +citizens of good stamp, but strangers, have accused the Megarians of +introducing their produce fraudulently, and not a cucumber, a leveret, +a suck[l]ing pig, a clove of garlic, a lump of salt was seen without its +being said, "Halloa! these come from Megara," and their being +instantly confiscated. Thus far the evil was not serious and we were +the only sufferers. But now some young drunkards go to Megara and +carry off the courtesan Simaetha; the Megarians, hurt to the quick, run +off in turn with two harlots of the house of Aspasia; and so for three +gay women Greece is set ablaze. Then Pericles, aflame with ire on his +Olympian height, let loose the lightning, caused the thunder to +roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, which ran like the song, "That +the Megarians be banished both from our land and from our markets +and from the sea and from the continent."[3] Meanwhile the Megarians, +who were beginning to die of hunger, begged the Lacedaemonians to bring +about the abolition of the decree, of which those harlots were the +cause; several times we refused their demand; and from that time there +was horrible clatter of arms everywhere. You will say that Sparta +was wrong, but what should she have done? Answer that. Suppose that +a Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian[4] dog on any pretext and +had sold it, would you have endured it quietly? Far from it, you would +at once have sent three hundred vessels to sea, and what an uproar +there would have been through all the city! there 'tis a band of +noisy soldiery, here a brawl about the election of a Trierarch; +elsewhere pay is being distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are +being regilded, crowds are surging under the market porticos, +encumbered with wheat that is being measured, wine-skins, +oar-leathers, garlic, olives, onions in nets; everywhere are chaplets, +sprats, flute-girls, black eyes; in the arsenal bolts are being +noisily driven home, sweeps are being made and fitted with leathers; +we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of flutes and fifes to +encourage the work-folk. That is what you assuredly would have done, +and would not Telephus have done the same? So I come to my general +conclusion; we have no common sense. + +f[1] 'The Babylonians' had been produced at a time of year when Athens +was crowded with strangers; 'The Acharnians,' on the contrary, was played +in December. +f[2] Sparta had been menaced with an earthquake in 427 B.C. Posidon +was 'The Earthshaker,' god of earthquakes, as well as of the sea. +f[3] A song by Timocreon the Rhodian, the words of which were practically +identical with Pericles' decree. +f[4] A small and insignificant island, one of the Cyclades, allied with +the Athenians, like months of these islands previous to and during +the first part of the Peloponnesian War. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS +Oh! wretch! oh! infamous man! You are naught but a beggar and +yet you dare to talk to us like this! you insult their worships +the informers! + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS +By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a single detail. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS +But though it be true, need he say it? But you'll have no great +cause to be proud of your insolence! + +SECOND SEMI-CHORUS +Where are you running to? Don't you move; if you strike this man, +I shall be at you. + +FIRST SEMI-CHORUS +Lamachus, whose glance flashes lightning, whose plume +petrifies thy foes, help! Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero of my +tribe and all of you, both officers and soldiers, defenders of our +walls, come to my aid; else is it all over with me! + +LAMACHUS +Whence comes this cry of battle? where must I bring my aid? +where must I sow dread? who wants me to uncase my dreadful Gorgon's +head?[1] + +f[1] A figure of Medusa's head, forming the centre of Lamachus' shield. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, Lamachus, great hero! Your plumes and your cohorts terrify me. + +CHORUS +This man, Lamachus, incessantly abuses Athens. + +LAMACHUS +You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this sort? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, brave Lamachus, forgive a beggar who speaks at hazard. + +LAMACHUS +But what have you said? Let us hear. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me dizzy. +Oh! I adjure you, take that fearful Gorgon somewhat farther away. + +LAMACHUS +There. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Now place it face downwards on the ground. + +LAMACHUS +It is done. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Give me a plume out of your helmet. + +LAMACHUS +Here is a feather. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my stomach. + +LAMACHUS +Hah! what are you proposing to do? do you want to make yourself +vomit with this feather? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Is it a feather? what bird's? a braggart's? + +LAMACHUS +Ah! ah! I will rip you open. + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, no, Lamachus! Violence is out of place here! But as you are so +strong, why did you not circumcise me? You have all the tools you want +for the operation there. + +LAMACHUS +A beggar dares thus address a general! + +DICAEOPOLIS +How? Am I a beggar? + +LAMACHUS +What are you then? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Who am I? A good citizen, not ambitious; a soldier, who has fought +well since the outbreak of the war, whereas you are but a vile +mercenary. + +LAMACHUS +They elected me... + +DICAEOPOLIS +Yes, three cuckoos did![1] If I have concluded peace, 'twas +disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks and +young fellows of your age shirking service. Some are in Thrace getting +an allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisamenophoenippus +and Panurgipparchides. The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men +like Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same +kidney, too, at Camarina and at Gela,[2] the laughing-stock of all and sundry. + +f[1] Indicates the character of his election, which was arranged, so +Aristophanes implies, by his partisans. +f[2] Town in Sicily. There is a pun on the name Gela and 'ridiculous' +which it is impossible to keep in English. Apparently the Athenians +had sent embassies to all parts of the Greek world to arrange treaties +of alliance in view of the struggle with the Lacedaemonians; but only +young debauchees of aristocratic connections had been chosen as envoys. + +LAMACHUS +They were elected. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these +others ever gets any? Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair; well then, +have you ever been entrusted with a mission? See! he shakes his +head. Yet he is an active as well as a prudent man. And you, Dracyllus, +Euphorides or Prinides, have you knowledge of Ecbatana or +Chaonia? You say no, do you not? Such offices are good for the son +of Caesyra[1] and Lamachus, who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never +pay their shot, and whom all their friends avoid as foot passengers +dodge the folks who empty their slops out of window. + +f[1] A contemporary orator apparently, otherwise unknown. + +LAMACHUS +Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you know. + +LAMACHUS +But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at sea, on land +and everywhere to make them tremble, and trounce them soundly. + +DICAEOPOLIS +For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians, +Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open; but I debar +Lamachus from entering them. + +CHORUS +Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their view +and approve him for having concluded peace. But let us prepare for the +recital of the parabasis.[1] + +Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised himself +upon the stage; but, having been slandered by his enemies amongst +the volatile Athenians, accused of scoffing at his country and of +insulting the people, to-day he wishes to reply and regain for himself +the inconstant Athenians. He maintains that he has done much that is +good for you; if you no longer allow yourselves to be too much +hoodwinked by strangers or seduced by flattery, if in politics you are +no longer the ninnies you once were, it is thanks to him. Formerly, +when delegates from other cities wanted to deceive you, they had but +to style you, "the people crowned with violets," and at the word +"violets" you at once sat erect on the tips of your bums. Or if, to +tickle your vanity, someone spoke of "rich and sleek Athens," in +return for that "sleekness" he would get all, because he spoke of you +as he would have of anchovies in oil. In cautioning you against +such wiles, the poet has done you great service as well as +in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic +principle. Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their tributes, +wanted to see this great poet, who had dared to speak the truth to +Athens. And so far has the fame of his boldness reached that one day +the Great King, when questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first +asked them which of the two rival cities was the superior at sea, +and then immediately demanded at which it was that the comic poet +directed his biting satire. "Happy that city," he added, "if it +listens to his counsel; it will grow in power, and its victory is +assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians offer you peace, if you +will cede them Aegina; not that they care for the isle, but they +wish to rob you of your poet.[2] As for you, never lose him, who will +always fight for the cause of justice in his Comedies; he promises you +that his precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses neither +flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of loading +you with praise, he will point you to the better way. I scoff at +Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and justice shall fight my cause; +never will you find me a political poltroon, a prostitute to the +highest bidder. + +I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as the devouring fire; +sudden as the spark that bursts from the crackling oaken coal when +roused by the quickening fan to fry little fishes, while others knead +the dough or whip the sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break +forth, my Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous, +stirring strains. + +We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach the city; +so many are the victories we have gained for the Athenian fleets +that we well deserve to be cared for in our declining life; yet far +from this, we are ill-used, harassed with law-suits, delivered over to +the scorn of stripling orators. Our minds and bodies being ravaged +with age, Posidon should protect us, yet we have no other support than +a staff. When standing before the judge, we can scarcely stammer forth +the fewest words, and of justice we see but its barest shadow, whereas +the accuser, desirous of conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us +with his ready rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with +questions, lays traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets and ruins +poor old Tithonus, who, crushed with age, stands tongue-tied; +sentenced to a fine,[3] he weeps, he sobs and says to his friend, +"This fine robs me of the last trifle that was to have bought my coffin." + +Is this not a scandal? What! the clepsydra[4] is to kill the +white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft covered +himself with glorious sweat, whose valour at Marathon saved the +country! 'Twas we who pursued on the field of Marathon, +whereas now 'tis wretches who pursue us to the death and crush us! +What would Marpsias reply to this?[5] What an injustice that a man, +bent with age like Thucydides, should be brow-beaten by this braggart +advocate, Cephisodemus,[6] who is as savage as the Scythian desert +he was born in! Is it not to convict him from the outset? I wept tears +of pity when I saw an Archer[7] maltreat this old man, who, by Ceres, +when he was young and the true Thucydides, would not have permitted +an insult from Ceres herself! At that date he would have floored +ten orators, he would have terrified three thousand Archers with his +shouts; he would have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his shafts. +Ah! but if you will not leave the aged in peace, decree that the advocates +be matched; thus the old man will only be confronted with a toothless +greybeard, the young will fight with the braggart, the ignoble +with the son of Clinias;[8] make a law that in the future, the old man +can only be summoned and convicted at the courts by the aged +and the young man by the youth. + +f[1] The 'parabasis' in the Old Comedy was a sort of address or topical +harangue addressed directly by the poet, speaking by the Chorus, +to the audience. It was nearly always political in bearing, and the subject +of the particular piece was for the time being set aside altogether. +f[2] It will be remembered that Aristophanes owned land in Aegina. +f[3] Everything was made the object of a law-suit in Athens. The old +soldiers, inexpert at speaking, often lost the day. +f[4] A water-clock used to limit the length of speeches in the courts. +f[5] A braggart speaker, fiery and pugnacious. +f[6] Cephisodemus was an Athenian, but through his mother possessed +Scythian blood. +f[7] The city of Athens was policed by Scythian archers. +f[8] Alcibiades. + +DICAEOPOLIS +These are the confines of my market-place. All Peloponnesians, +Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come and trade here, +provided they sell their wares to me and not to Lamachus. As +market-inspectors I appoint these three whips of Leprean[1] leather, +chosen by lot. Warned away are all informers and all men of Phasis.[2] +They are bringing me the pillar on which the treaty is inscribed[3] and +I shall erect it in the centre of the market, well in sight of all. + +f[1] The leather market was held in Lepros, outside the city. +f[2] Mean an informer ([from the Greek] 'to denounce'). +f[3] According to the Athenian custom. + +A MEGARIAN +Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians. Let Zeus, the patron +of friendship, witness, I regretted you as a mother mourns her son. +Come, poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, try to find +something to eat; listen to me with the full heed of an empty belly. +Which would you prefer? To be sold or to cry with hunger? + +DAUGHTERS +To be sold, to be sold! + +MEGARIAN +That is my opinion too. But who would make so sorry a deal as to +buy you? Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going to disguise +you as little porkers, that I am offering for sale. Fit your hands +with these hoofs and take care to appear the issue of a sow of good +breed, for, if I am forced to take you back to the house, by Hermes! +you will suffer cruelly of hunger! Then fix on these snouts and cram +yourselves into this sack. Forget not to grunt and to say wee-wee like +the little pigs that are sacrificed in the Mysteries. I must summon +Dicaeopolis. Where is be? Dicaeopolis, do you want to buy +some nice little porkers? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Who are you? a Megarian? + +MEGARIAN +I have come to your market. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Well, how are things at Megara?[1] + +f[1] Megara was allied to Sparta and suffered during the war more than +any other city because of its proximity to Athens. + +MEGARIAN +We are crying with hunger at our firesides. + +DICAEOPOLIS +The fireside is jolly enough with a piper. But what else is +doing at Megara, eh? + +MEGARIAN +What else? When I left for the market, the authorities were taking +steps to let us die in the quickest manner. + +DICAEOPOLIS +That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles. + +MEGARIAN +True. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What other news of Megara? What is wheat selling at? + +MEGARIAN +With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Is it salt that you are bringing? + +MEGARIAN +Are you not holding back the salt? + +DICAEOPOLIS +'Tis garlic then? + +MEGARIAN +What! garlic! do you not at every raid grub up the ground with your +pikes to pull out every single head? + +DICAEOPOLIS +What DO you bring then? + +MEGARIAN +Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! very well, show me them. + +MEGARIAN +They are very fine; feel their weight. See! how fat and fine. + +DICAEOPOLIS +But what is this? + +MEGARIAN +A SOW, for a certainty.[1] + +f[1] Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon [a] word +which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs of generation.' + +DICAEOPOLIS +You say a sow! Of what country, then? + +MEGARIAN + From Megara. What! is it not a sow then? + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, I don't believe it is. + +MEGARIAN +This is too much! what an incredulous man! He says 'tis not a sow; +but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with +thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else. + +DICAEOPOLIS +But a sow of the human kind. + +MEGARIAN +Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed! Well! What think +you? will you hear them squeal? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Well, yes, I' faith, I will. + +MEGARIAN +Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take you +back to the house. + +GIRL +Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +MEGARIAN +Is that a little sow, or not? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine fat bitch. + +MEGARIAN +In five years it will be just like its mother. + +DICAEOPOLIS +But it cannot be sacrificed. + +MEGARIAN +And why not? + +DICAEOPOLIS +It has no tail.[1] + +f[1] Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an animal, +therefore, without a tail could not be offered. + +MEGARIAN +Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big one, +thick and red. + +DICAEOPOLIS +The two are as like as two peas. + +MEGARIAN +They are born of the same father and mother; let them be fattened, +let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows you can +offer to Aphrodite. + +DICAEOPOLIS +But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite. + +MEGARIAN +Not sows to Aphrodite! Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom they +are offered! the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Can they eat alone? They no longer need their mother! + +MEGARIAN +Certainly not, nor their father. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What do they like most? + +MEGARIAN +Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Speak! little sow. + +DAUGHTER +Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Can you eat chick-pease? + +DAUGHTER +Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS +And Attic figs? + +DAUGHTER +Wee-wee, wee-wee! + +DICAEOPOLIS +What sharp squeaks at the name of figs. Come, let some figs be +brought for these little pigs. Will they eat them? Goodness! how +they munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I +believe those pigs hail from the land of the Voracians. But surely +'tis impossible they have bolted all the figs! + +MEGARIAN +Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! what funny creatures! For what sum will you sell them? + +MEGARIAN +I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if you +like, for a quart measure of salt. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I buy them of you. Wait for me here. + +MEGARIAN +The deal is done. Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may sell +both my wife and my mother in the same way! + +AN INFORMER +Hi! fellow, what countryman are you? + +MEGARIAN +I am a pig-merchant from Megara. + +INFORMER +I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies. + +MEGARIAN +Ah! here our troubles begin afresh! + +INFORMER +Let go that sack. I will punish your Megarian lingo![1] + +f[1] The Megarians used the Doric dialect. + +MEGARIAN +Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Who dares do this thing? Inspectors, drive out the informers. +Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp![1] + +f[1] A play upon [a] word which both means 'to light' and 'to denounce.' + +INFORMER +What! I may not denounce our enemies? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Have a care for yourself, if you don't go off pretty quick to denounce +elsewhere. + +MEGARIAN +What a plague to Athens! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Be reassured, Megarian. Here is the price for your two swine, +the garlic and the salt. Farewell and much happiness! + +MEGARIAN +Ah! we never have that amongst us. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Well! may the inopportune wish apply to myself. + +MEGARIAN +Farewell, dear little sows, and seek, far from your father, to +munch your bread with salt, if they give you any. + +CHORUS +Here is a man truly happy. See how everything succeeds to his +wish. Peacefully seated in his market, he will earn his living; woe to +Ctesias,[1] and all other informers who dare to enter there! You will not +be cheated as to the value of wares, you will not again see Prepis[2] +wiping his foul rump, nor will Cleonymus[3] jostle you; you will take your +walks, clothed in a fine tunic, without meeting Hyperbolus[4] and his +unceasing quibblings, without being accosted on the public place by +any importunate fellow, neither by Cratinus,[5] shaven in the fashion +of the debauchees, nor by this musician, who plagues us with his silly +improvisations, Artemo, with his arm-pits stinking as foul as a goat, +like his father before him. You will not be the butt of the villainous +Pauson's[6] jeers, nor of Lysistratus,[7] the disgrace +of the Cholargian deme, who is the incarnation of all the vices, +and endures cold and hunger more than thirty days in the month. + +f[1] An informer (sycophant), otherwise unknown. +f[2] A debauchee of vile habits; a pathic. +f[3] Mentioned above; he was as proud as he was cowardly. +f[4] An Athenian general, quarrelsome and litigious, and an Informer +into the bargain. +f[5] A comic poet of vile habits. +f[6] A painter. +f[7] A debauchee, a gambler, and always in extreme poverty. + +A BOEOTIAN +By Heracles! my shoulder is quite black and blue. Ismenias, put +the penny-royal down there very gently, and all of you, musicians +from Thebes, pipe with your bone flutes into a dog's rump.[1] + +f[1] This kind of flute had a bellows, made of dog-skin, much like +the bagpipes of to-day. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Enough, enough, get you gone. Rascally hornets, away with you! +Whence has sprung this accursed swarm of Charis[1] fellows which comes +assailing my door? + +f[1] A flute-player, mentioned above. + +BOEOTIAN +Ah! by Iolas![1] Drive them off, my dear host, you will please me +immensely; all the way from Thebes, they were there piping behind me +and have completely stripped my penny-royal of its blossom. +But will you buy anything of me, some chickens or some locusts? + +f[1] A hero, much honoured in Thebes; nephew of Heracles. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! good day, Boeotian, eater of good round loaves.[1] What do you +bring? + +f[1] A form of bread peculiar to Boeotia. + +BOEOTIAN +All that is good in Boeotia, marjoram, penny-royal, rush-mats, +lamp-wicks, ducks, jays, woodcocks, water-fowl, wrens, divers. + +DICAEOPOLIS +'Tis a very hail of birds that beats down on my market. + +BOEOTIAN +I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, lyres, +martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.[1] +f[1] A lake in Boeotia. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish, +let me salute your eels. + +BOEOTIAN +Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and +complete the joy of our host. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou art here +at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets sigh, thou, who art +dear to Morychus.[1] Slaves, hither with the stove and the bellows. +Look at this charming eel, that returns to us after six long years +of absence.[2] Salute it, my children; as for myself, I will supply +coal to do honour to the stranger. Take it into my house; death itself +could not separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves. +f[1] He was the Lucullus of Athens. +f[2] This again fixes the date of the presentation of 'The +Acharnians' to 436 B.C., the sixth year of the War, since the +beginning of which Boeotia had been closed to the Athenians. + +BOEOTIAN +And what will you give me in return? + +DICAEOPOLIS +It will pay for your market dues. And as to the rest, what do +you wish to sell me? + +BOEOTIAN +Why, everything. + +DICAEOPOLIS +On what terms? For ready-money or in wares from these parts? + +BOEOTIAN +I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got +in Boeotia. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Phaleric anchovies, pottery? + +BOEOTIAN +Anchovies, pottery? But these we have. I want produce that is +wanting with us and that is plentiful here. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up +carefully as crockery-ware. + +BOEOTIAN +By the twin gods! I should earn big money, if I took one; I +would exhibit him as an ape full of spite. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Hah! here we have Nicarchus,[1] who comes to denounce you. +f[1] An informer. + +BOEOTIAN +How small he is! + +DICAEOPOLIS +But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature. + +NICARCHUS +Whose are these goods? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness. + +NICARCHUS +I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country. + +BOEOTIAN +What! you declare war against birds? + +NICARCHUS +And I am going to denounce you too. + +BOEOTIAN +What harm have I done you? + +NICARCHUS +I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you introduce lamp-wicks +from an enemy's country. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Then you go as far as denouncing a wick. + +NICARCHUS +It needs but one to set an arsenal afire. + +DICAEOPOLIS +A wick set an arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods? + +NICARCHUS +Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing, and, taking +advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into +the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels, everything +would soon be devoured by the flames. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick devour everything! +(HE STRIKES HIM.) + +NICARCHUS (TO THE CHORUS) +You will bear witness, that he mishandles me. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Shut his mouth. Give me some hay; I am going to pack him up like +a vase, that he may not get broken on the road. + +CHORUS +Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not +break it when taking it away. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is cracked already; +he rings with a false note, which the gods abhor. + +CHORUS +But what will be done with him? + +DICAEOPOLIS +This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a vessel for holding +all foul things, a mortar for pounding together law-suits, a lamp +for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the mixing up and poisoning +of everything. + +CHORUS +None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a +ring about it. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if care is +taken to hang it head downwards. + +CHORUS +There! it is well packed now! + +BOEOTIAN +Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle. + +CHORUS +Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this informer, good for +anything, and fling him where you like. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here! +Boeotian, pick up your pottery. + +BOEOTIAN +Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be very +careful with it. + +DICAEOPOLIS +You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you will +profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you luck. + +A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS +Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS +What do you want crying this gait? + +SERVANT +Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups,[1] and I come by his order +to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a Copaic eel. + +f[1] The second day of the Dionysia or feasts of Bacchus, kept in the month +Anthesterion (February), and called the Anthesteria. They lasted three +days; the second being the Feast of Cups, the third the Feast of Pans. +Vases, filled with grain of all kinds, were borne in procession and +dedicated to Hermes. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel? + +SERVANT +'Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, who is always brandishing +his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which o'ershadow +his helmet. + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his buckler. +Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes, and, if he comes +here making any din, I shall call the inspectors. As for myself, +I shall take away all these goods; I go home on thrushes' wings +and black-birds' pinions.[1] + +f[1] A parody on some verses from a lost poet. + +CHORUS +You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes to +his prudence, to his profound wisdom. You see how, since he has +concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to +eat hot. All good things flow towards him unsought. Never will I welcome +the god of war in my house; never shall he chant the "Harmodius" at +my table;[1] he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are +overflowing with good things and brings all manner of mischief at his +heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; 'tis vain to make him a +thousand offers, "be seated, pray, drink this cup, proffered in all +friendship," he burns our vine-stocks and brutally pours out the wine +from our vineyards +on the ground. This man, on the other hand, covers his table with +a thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these feathers +cast before his door to show us how he lives. + +f[1] A feasting song in honour of Harmodius, the assassin of Hipparchus +the Tyrant, son of Pisistratus. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh, Peace! companion of fair Aphrodite and of the sweet Graces, +how charming are thy features and yet I never knew it! Would that Eros +might join me to thee, Eros, crowned with roses as Zeuxis[1] shows him to +us! Perhaps I seem somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to make you a +threefold offering; despite my age I could plant a long row of vines for you; +then beside these some tender cuttings from the fig; finally a young +vine-stock, loaded with fruit and all around the field olive trees, which +would furnish us with oil, wherewith to anoint us both at the New Moons. + +f[1] The celebrated painter, born in Heraclea, a contemporary +of Aristophanes. + +HERALD +List, ye people! As was the custom of your forebears, empty a full +pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who first sees the +bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed the +herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily; keep them +a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets; +reach me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes. + +CHORUS +I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting? + +CHORUS +Ah! true indeed! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Slave! stir up the fire. + +CHORUS +See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How well +he understands the way to prepare a good dinner! + +A HUSBANDMAN +Ah! woe is me! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Heracles! What have we here? + +HUSBANDMAN +A most miserable man. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Keep your misery for yourself. + +HUSBANDMAN +Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a part +of your truce, were it but five years. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What has happened to you? + +HUSBANDMAN +I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers. + +DICAEOPOLIS +How? + +HUSBANDMAN +The Boeotians seized them at Phyle.[1] + +f[1] A deme and frontier fortress of Attica, near the Boeotian border. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white? + +HUSBANDMAN +Their dung made my wealth. + +DICAEOPOLIS +What can I do in the matter? + +HUSBANDMAN +Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you care for poor +Dercetes of Phyle, anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of peace. + +DICAEOPOLIS +But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine. + +HUSBANDMAN +Come, I adjure you; perhaps I shall recover my steers. + +DICAEOPOLIS +'Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of Pittalus.[1] + +f[1] An Athenian physician of the day. + +HUSBANDMAN +Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet. + +DICAEOPOLIS +No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere. + +HUSBANDMAN +Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts! + +CHORUS +This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he will share it +with none. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry. + +CHORUS +What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Get the eels on the gridiron! + +CHORUS +You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your +neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Have this fried and let it be nicely browned. + +A BRIDESMAID +Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Who are you? + +BRIDESMAID +A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage feast. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Whoever he be, I thank him. + +BRIDESMAID +And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into this vase, +that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home +to do his duty to his young wife. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I +would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray? + +BRIDESMAID +I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you +from the bride privately. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Come, what do you wish to say? (THE BRIDESMAID WHISPERS IN +HIS EAR.) Ah! what a ridiculous demand! The bride burns with longing +to keep by her her husband's weapon. Come! \bring hither my truce; to +her alone will I give some of it, for she is a woman, and, as such, +should not suffer under the war. Here, friend, reach hither your vial. +And as to the manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a +levy of soldiers is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where +most needed. There, slave, take away my truce! Now, quick, bring me +the wine-flagon, that I may fill up the drinking bowls! + +CHORUS +I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he seems +to us the bearer of terrible tidings. + +HERALD +Oh! toils and battles, 'tis Lamachus! + +LAMACHUS +What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the glint +of arms. + +HERALD +The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and +your plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our borders. +They have learnt that a band of Boeotians intend taking advantage +of the Feast of Cups to invade our country. + +LAMACHUS +Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much! +It's cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Oh! warlike host of Lamachus! + +LAMACHUS +Wretch! do you dare to jeer me? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon? + +LAMACHUS +Oh! oh! what fearful tidings! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he bring me? + +HERALD +Dicaeopolis! + +DICAEOPOLIS +What is the matter? + +HERALD +Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and your cup; +'tis the priest of Bacchus who invites you. But hasten, the guests +have been waiting for you a long while. All is ready--couches, +tables, cushions, chaplets, perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot; +biscuits, cakes, sesame-bread, tarts, lovely dancing women, the sweetest +charm of the festivity. But come with all haste. + +LAMACHUS +Oh! hostile gods! + +DICAEOPOLIS +This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great ugly Gorgon's head +for your patron. You, shut the door, and let someone get ready the meal. + +LAMACHUS +Slave! slave! my knapsack! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Slave! slave! a basket! + +LAMACHUS +Take salt and thyme, slave, and don't forget the onions. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions. + +LAMACHUS +Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have it cooked here. + +LAMACHUS +Bring me the plumes for my helmet. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes. + +LAMACHUS +How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers! + +DICAEOPOLIS +How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon! + +LAMACHUS +Bring me the case for my triple plume. + +DICAEOPOLIS + +Pass me over that dish of hare. + +LAMACHUS +OH! the moths have eaten the hair of my crest. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I shall always eat hare before dinner. + +LAMACHUS +Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armor? + +DICAEOPOLIS +Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes. + +LAMACHUS +Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me. + +DICAEOPOLIS +I do not address you; I am scolding my slave. Shall we wager and submit +the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the best to eat, a locust or +a thrush? + +LAMACHUS +Insolent hound! + +DICAEOPOLIS +He much prefers the locusts. + +LAMACHUS +Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to me. + +LAMACHUS +Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath. Hold it, slave, hold it tight. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer. + +LAMACHUS +Slave, the bracings for my shield. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings of my stomach. + +LAMACHUS +My round buckler with the Gorgon's head. + +DICAEOPOLIS +My round cheese-cake. + +LAMACHUS +What clumsy wit! + +DICAEOPOLIS +What delicious cheese-cake! + +LAMACHUS +Pour oil on the buckler. Hah! hah! I can see reflected there an old +man who will be accused of cowardice. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Pour honey on the cake. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who makes +Lamachus of the Gorgon's head weep with rage. + +LAMACHUS +Slave, full war armour. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Slave, my beaker; that is MY armour. + +LAMACHUS +With this I hold my ground with any foe. + +DICAEOPOLIS +And I with this with any tosspot. + +LAMACHUS +Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall carry the knapsack + +DICAEOPOLIS +Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall carry the cloak. + +LAMACHUS +Slave, take up the buckler and let's be off. It is snowing! Ah! +'tis a question of facing the winter. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Take up the basket, 'tis a question of getting to the feast. + + +CHORUS +We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much. One goes +to mount guard and freeze, while the other will drink, crowned +with flowers, and then sleep with a young beauty, who will excite +him readily. + +I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the poet-historian, +the son of Psacas! When Choregus at the Lenaea, alas! alas! he +dismissed me dinnerless. May I see him devouring with his eyes a +cuttle-fish, just served, well cooked, hot and properly salted; and +the moment that he stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize +it and run off with it. Such is my first wish. I also hope for him a +misfortune at night. That returning all-fevered from horse practice, +he may meet an Orestes,[1] mad with drink, who breaks open his head; +that wishing to seize a stone, he, in the dark, may pick up a fresh stool, +hurl his missile, miss aim and hit Cratinus.[2] + +f[1] An allusion to the paroxysms of rage, as represented in many tragedies +familiar to an Athenian audience, of Orestes, the son of Agamemnon, +after he had killed his mother. +f[2] No doubt the comic poet, rival of Aristophanes. + +SLAVE OF LAMACHUS +Slaves of Lamachus! Water, water in a little pot! Make it warm, get ready +cloths, cerate greasy wool and bandages for his ankle. In leaping a ditch, +the master has hurt himself against a stake; he has dislocated and twisted +his ankle, broken his head by falling on a stone, while his Gorgon shot far +away from his buckler. His mighty braggadocio plume rolled on the +ground; at this sight he uttered these doleful words, "Radiant star, I gaze +on thee for the last time; my eyes close to all light, I die." Having +said this, +he falls into the water, gets out again, meets some runaways and pursues +the robbers with his spear at their backsides.[1] But here he comes, +himself. Get the door open. + +f[1] Unexpected wind-up of the story. Aristophanes intends to deride +the boasting of Lamachus, who was always ascribing to himself most +unlikely exploits. + +LAMACHUS +Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain! I faint, I tremble! Alas! +I die! the foe's lance has struck me! But what would hurt me most +would be for Dicaeopolis to see me wounded thus and laugh +at my ill-fortune. + +DICAEOPOLIS (ENTERS WITH TWO COURTESANS) +Oh! my gods! what bosoms! Hard as a quince! Come, my treasures, give +me voluptuous kisses! Glue your lips to mine. Haha! I was the first to +empty my cup. + +LAMACHUS +Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer! accursed wounds! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus! (EMBRACES LAMACHUS.) + +LAMACHUS +By the hostile gods! (BITES DICAEOPOLIS.) + +DICAEOPOLIS +Ah! Great gods! + +LAMACHUS +Why do you embrace me? + +DICAEOPOLIS +And why do you bite me? + +LAMACHUS +'Twas a cruel score I was paying back! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Scores are not evened at the Feast of Cups! + +LAMACHUS +Oh! Paean, Paean! + +DICAEOPOLIS +But to-day is not the feast of Paean. + +LAMACHUS +Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends! + +DICAEOPOLIS +And you, my darlings, take hold of this, both of you! + +LAMACHUS +This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim. + +DICAEOPOLIS +For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with lustfulness, +I want to be bundling in the dark. + +LAMACHUS +Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus. + +DICAEOPOLIS +Take me to the judges. Where is the king of the feast? +The wine-skin is mine! + +LAMACHUS +That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure! + +DICAEOPOLIS +You see this empty cup! I triumph! I triumph! + +CHORUS +Old man, I come at your bidding! You triumph! you triumph! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it at +a draught! + +CHORUS +You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin! + +DICAEOPOLIS +Follow me, singing "Triumph! Triumph!" + +CHORUS +Aye! we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin, and we all, +as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour, "Triumph, Triumph!" + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Acharnians +by Aristophanes + diff --git a/old/achar10.zip b/old/achar10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3375428 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/achar10.zip |