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diff --git a/30414-0.txt b/30414-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f1230e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/30414-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1362 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30414 *** + + PUNCH, + + OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 22, 1890. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. II. + +"Always laugh at the Judge's jokes. It is not upon such an occasion that +his Lordship observes that he _will_ NOT have the Court turned into a +theatre."] + + * * * * * + +JUSTISS FOR THE PORE. + +I've jest been told another staggerer. Well, it seems then that, in one +of the werry largest and werry poppularest of all the Citty Parishes, +sum grand old Cristian Patriots of the holden times left lots of money, +when they was ded, and didn't want it no more, to be given to the Pore +of the Parish, for warious good and charitable hobjecs, such as for +rewarding good and respectabel Female Servants as managed to keep their +places for at least four years, in despite of rampageous Marsters, and +crustaceous Missuses; also for selling Coles to werry Pore Peeple at +sumthink like four pence per hundredweight, be the reglar price what it +may; also for paying what's called, I think, premeums for putting Pore +Boys or Pore Gals as aprentisses to warious trades, so as to lern and +laber truly to get a good living when they growd up, insted of loafing +about in dirt and hignorence; likewise for allowing little pensions to +poor old women as is a striving all their mite and main to keep +themselves out of the hated Workhouse; and there are seweral other +similar good purposes as the good Citizens of old left their money for, +and hundreds if not thowsands of pore but honest men and women has had +good cause to be grateful to 'em for their kind and pious thortfulness. + +Well, I hardly xpecs to be bleeved when I says, that a law has been +passed that allows sutten werry respectabel but werry hignerant Gents, +called Charity Commissioners, to sweep away ewerry one of those truly +charitable hinstitutions, and to make use of all this money somewheres +else, and for sum other objecs, and for sum other peeple! + +I ain't so werry much supprized as I ort to be, to learn that the ouse +of Commons--ouse of "Short Commons," I shud call 'em--has passed this +most wicked Law, _cos werry pore peeple ain't got no votes_; but I do +confess as I am supprised at the most respectabel and harrystocrattick +House of Lords a condesendin not merely to rob a pore man of his Beer, +but to rob a poor Made Servant of her 2 Ginneys reward for behaviour +like a Angel for four long weary years in the same place, be it a good +'un or a werry ard 'un, and to purwent a lot of pore hard working Men +and Women from getting their little stock of Coles in at about a quarter +of the reglar price! In course it ain't to be supposed as Washupfool +Books and Honnerabel Markisses can know or care much about the price of +Coals, altho there is one Most Honnerabel Markis, from whom I bort a +hole Tun larst year at rayther a high figger, who coud have told em, and +shood have told em all about it, tho' praps he's agin cheap Coles on +principal. And besides all this, it won't I shood think, be a werry +plezzant thort to come across a Noble Dook's or a Wirtuous Wiscount's +mind--if such eminent swells has em, like the rest on us--when they sees +a lot of dirty raggid boys and gals a loafing about the streets, to +think that if the money that was left hundreds of years ago by good men, +had been still used _as it was ordered to be used_, and has been used +for sentrys, these same raggid boys and gals wood have bin a learning of +some useful trade by which they might have hearnd a desent living. + +In course I can hear, with my mind's ear, as _Amlet_ says, my thowsends +of simperthising readers shouting out, "What's the use of your crying +over spilt milk?" Well, none, of course, but I happens to have herd that +there's still _jest one chance left_. It seems that there is what's +called, I think, "_a appeal_" to sum werry heminent Swells called "the +Lords of the uncommon Counsel on Eddication," and the kind-hearted +Church Wardens, as I has before eluded to, means to make one; and ewery +kind-hearted Cristian Man and Woman as reads my truthful statement, and +can feel, as me, and Lords, and Ladies as well, can, and ort to, and +must feel, will wish 'em thurrur suksess in their good, and kind, and +mussiful atemt to hobtane justiss for them as carnt no hows obtane it +for theirselves. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +HOW WE DO BUSINESS NOW. + +BEAR COURT CHAMBERS, BULL LANE, E.C. + +CIRCULAR 1059. + +TELEGRAPHIC ADDRESS--SPIDER. TELEPHONE NUMBER--BILLION. + +MY DEAR SIR,--Now is _the_ time to remit to me for the forthcoming big +movements I intend to make during the current Month. If my last Circular +proved true down to the very last letter, this one will be ten times +truer. What did I say last month? I said there would be a big rise in +Boomerang Rails, which were then at 11¾. In 57½ hours after my +Circular was issued they had risen to 110-7/16, and many of my clients +made thousands of pounds. One of them actually making the magnificent +sum of £27,876 11s. 4¼_d._ I love to be accurate, so I give the exact +amount. + +Now is the time, I repeat. No one out of the millions of clients, from +an Exalted Lady, whom delicacy forbids me to name, down to the junior +waiter at the Pomona, ever lost by coming to me. I also advised, and I +repeat it this month, + +CHUCKSTER TOLL BAR BINKSES. + +They were hardly quoted on the Stock Exchange--hardly known even--when I +took them up on the 1st of April last year. Where are they now? At 119! +And they will move on to 219 before the year ends. I have means of +information possessed by none besides me. I have a wire of my own laid +on to every Embassy house on the Continent; every _attaché_, every +dragoman is my correspondent, and more than one Crowned Head has +honoured me with the secrets of his last Council, or of his resolves on +War or Peace. I myself am a Power. I can make and unmake and ruin homes +as well as any Czar or Emperor. + +But I bind the clients who trust me with bands of iron. + +Again I say buy + +CHUCKSTER TOLL BAR BINKSES. + +Remit the necessary Cover to me at once. Small sums combined make large +ones, and you cannot be in too soon. Five-pence (a sum you would throw +at a crossing-sweeper) covers Five Pounds. Here is my scale:-- + + £1 covers £1000. + £5 " £5000. + £20 " £200,000. + +But send me whatever you like, and it will prove the most important act +of your life; one you will never forget. + +Again I say buy + +CHUCKSTER TOLL BAR BINKSES. + +There is fascination in their very name. Don't do the thing weakly. Act +on the advice of that great man BARRY LYNDON, and speculate grandly. +Take the history of one out of thousands of fortunes made by me for +others:-- + +A BANK CLERK, hard up, desperately pressed by his duns, had received a +small remittance from his father, a struggling Clergyman. The sum +amounted to £50, just enough to pay the young fellow's bills, and leave +him a paltry sovereign. Do you think he was such a fool as to have read +my Circular in vain? He very wisely brought the money to me. I bought +Boomerangs at 11¾. In 57½ hours that young man was a _millionnaire_. He +has magnificent chambers on the Embankment; shows himself in the Row at +the present time; would not look at a cigar under half-a-crown; and has +not entirely forgotten the claims of his family, for to my knowledge he +has remitted several pounds to his younger brothers.--Again I say, + +BUY BOOMERANGS OR CHUCKSTERS. + +One Word of Caution, and I conclude Circular 1059. BE VERY CAUTIOUS OF +SOME PEOPLE I KNOW. Once trust yourself to them, and it is all +U.P.--Wire immediately (_and send the necessary cover_) to + + Yours truly, + + ZACH. SPYDUR. + +P.S.--When once you have tasted the joys of speculation, you will think +and care for nothing else. The click of the Tape Machine is music to +you. I have one going all night in my bed-room. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOR ADVERTISEMENT OF ST. JAMES'S THEATRE.--"_As You Like +It_",--come and see it! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MADAME DIOGENES.] + +_Diogenes._ What are these better possessions you speak of? + +_Krates._ Wisdom, self-sufficiency, truth, plain-speaking, freedom. + +LUCIAN'S _Dialogues of the Dead_. + + + Ah! Madame La France, after trials all round + Of great Chiefs and their squabbling political progenies, + Like him of Sinope, at last you are found + With lantern in hand, a true Lady Diogenes. + The precinct is dark, and seems growing still dimmer, + Your wandering light shows a devious glimmer. + + A right Honest Man? He was scarce in the Courts. + He seems very nearly as scarce in the Caucuses. + You've had leaders of late of all sizes and sorts, + And the gloom of the outlook is utter as Orcus's. + Imperial, Royalist, Red Flag or White, + Not one of them leads La Belle France to the light. + + Wisdom, truth and plain-speaking? Ah, where are they found? + As scarce in these days as is genuine freedom! + They all prate of Honour, yet Honour all round + They'll sell for the first mess of pottage from Edom. + Well, Madame, _Punch_ wishes you luck with your lantern, + And up, soon or late, may a true Honest Man turn! + + * * * * * + +STANZAS TO RHUBARB. + +(_By The O'Greedy._) + + O bright new-comer, I have seen, + I see thee, and rejoice; + Though what the coster-man may mean + I judge not, by his voice. + I see thee, and to either eye + The tears unbidden start; + O rhubarb! shall I call thee pie, + Or art thou truly tart? + + I was not wont thy charms to see + When childhood stubborn stood + Fix'd in the faith, that thou must be + Too wholesome to be good. + Just as we loved the cloying jam, + By no effects dismay'd, + Regarding as a bitter sham + The honest marmalade. + + When daffodillies deck the shops, + And hyacinths indoors + Recall the flavour of the drops + We used to suck by scores + (Pear-drops they were,--a subtle blend + Of hyacinthine smell, + And the banana's blackest end,-- + We loved them, and were well); + + When chrysalis-buds are folded thick, + And crocuses awake, + And, like celestial almonds, stick + In Flora's tipsy-cake; + Before the crews are on the Thames, + The swallows on the wing, + The radiant rhubarb-bundle flames, + The lictor-rod of Spring. + + Still, still reluctant Winter keeps + Some chill surprise in store, + And Spring through frosty curtain peeps + On snowdrifts at her door; + The full moon smites the leafless trees, + So full, it bursts with light, + Till the sharp shadows seem to freeze + Along the highway white. + + Yet the keen wind has heard the song + Of summer far away. + And, though he's got the music wrong, + We know what he would say. + For in the vegetable cart + Thy radiant stalks we spy. + O rhubarb, should we call thee tart, + Or art thou merely pie? + + And why not so? The cushat dove + To such a shrine we trust, + Though in dumb protest she will shove + Her tootsies through the crust; + And larks, that sing at Heaven's gate + When April clouds are high, + Not seldom gain the gourmet's plate + Through portals of the pie. + + So thou, sweet harbinger of Spring, + Gules of her blazon'd field, + If in a pie thy praise we sing, + To worthy fate wilt yield. + Enough! I sing; let others eat: + Be mine the poet's lot. + The thought of thee is all too sweet-- + The taste of thee is not. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NO FEAR FOR THE CONSCIENCE CLAUSE. + +_Priest_ (_teaching Catechism in Catholic School_). "NOW, SAUNDERS, +REPEAT THE TEN----" _All the other Boys._ "PLEASE, FATHER, THIS 'ERE +BOY'S A PRO'S'TANT!!"] + + * * * * * + +"I'LL CALL THEE HAMLET." + +Mr. BENSON, the enterprising young Lessee of the Globe Theatre, on two +evenings of the week affords a spectacle of the greatest possible +interest to every Shakspearian student. His _Hamlet_ is rather given to +noisy declamation when greatly moved, but, barring this, seems to be a +thoroughly good-natured harmless creature, who, as fond of dabbling in +private theatricals, would probably be hailed as an acquisition at the +Meistersingers Club and cognate institutions. The innovations introduced +into the action relieve the gloom of the Tragedy. Take for instance, the +treatment of _Ophelia_, which is full of quiet humour. That she should +look as old as _Hamlet's_ Mother, is of course, accidental, and is +purely attributable to the Globe _Gertrude_ being exceptionally comely +and youthful, still it has a very quaint effect. But the idea of the +unfortunate maid, after she has committed suicide, being carried _à la_ +GUY FAUX into the throne-room with a sort of "See what we have found" +air, is broadly comic. The funeral with its "maimed rites," is also very +funny. Apparently, the Bishop (whose garb, by the way, seems to be a +compromise between an eccentric Jewish Rabbi and that of a decidedly +demented Roman Catholic Priest) has "contracted" for the procession, +with the result of collecting together a heterogeneous company, +consisting of modern High Church curates, a few members of some humorous +Confraternity, and a sprinkling of other amusing grotesques. But the fun +reaches its climax, when the body of _Ophelia_ herself is produced in, +what seemed to me to be, _a hamper_! The above example of what is being +done twice a week in Newcastle Street, Strand, will show how well worthy +of the scholar's notice is the present revival of _Hamlet_ at the Globe +Theatre. As actors, Mr. BENSON'S company are not entirely satisfactory. +As thinkers, however, they are worthy of the greatest possible respect. +Under these circumstances, it is to be hoped, that should they +ultimately, for sufficient reason, decide to give up acting, they will +yet resolve to continue what they do so well, and, in three words--go on +thinking. (_Signed_) BENE VESTITUS. + + * * * * * + +COVENT GARDENING PROSPECTS.--The prospectus of the Italian Opera +Season lies on _Mr. Punch's_ table; but though this is its attitude, +there is no reason to doubt the truthfulness of its statements. +More anon. _En attendant_, we may say that the stage-management, +in the hands of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, is a guarantee for the excellence +of the _mises-en-scène_, of the misses-_en-scène_, and of the +"hits"-_en-scène_. + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. V.--THE DILETTANTE. + +The Modern Dilettante will have been in boyhood a shorn lamb, for whom +it was necessary to temper the wind of an English education by a liberal +admixture of foreign travel. A prolonged course of interrupted studies +will have filled him with culture, whilst a distaste for serious effort, +whether mental or physical, and an innate capacity for mastering no +subject thoroughly will have produced in him that special refinement +which is to the Dilettante as a trade-stamp to Britannia metal. In +after-life, he will speak with regretful fondness, and with an accuracy +which he fails to apply to other matters of his "days" (four in number) +at a German University, and will submit with cheerfulness to the +reputation of having drunk deep from the muddy fountains of metaphysical +speculation, which are as abundant and as ineffective in Germany, as her +springs of mineral water. + +[Illustration] + +Having passed his period of storm and stress without committing any of +those follies or indulging in any of those excesses by which the parents +of ordinary young men are afflicted, he will arrive without reproach at +the borders of an apparently blameless middle age, and, finding himself +after the death of his father, in the enjoyment of a settled income of +considerable size, he will set up in life as an acknowledged amateur of +all that is truly precious. In order that nothing may be wanting to him +for the proper pursuit of this calling, he will gather round him a +little band of boneless enthusiasts, who after paying due devotion to +themselves, and to one another, will join him in worshipping the dead or +living nonentities whose laurelled photographs adorn his rooms. He will +cover his couches with soft silks, his walls will be hung with +impressionist etchings and engravings of undraped ladies of French +origin, _terra-cotta_ statuettes principally of the young Apollo, will +be placed in every corner, and a marble bust of the young AUGUSTUS will +occupy the place of honour next to the grand piano, on which, will be +ranged the framed cabinet photographs of interesting young men. Each +photograph will bear upon it an appropriate inscription, announcing it +to be, for instance, a gift "From BOBBY to TODDLEKINS." Nothing more is +necessary for the perfect life of dilettantism, except to settle an +afternoon for tea, and an evening for music. When this is done the +Dilettante is complete. + +It is curious, however, that although he aims at being considered a +poet, an artist, a dramatist, and a musical composer, the Dilettante +rather affects the society of those who are amateurs of imperfect +development, than of those who have attained fame by professional +effort. Yet since his nature is tolerant, he does not exclude the latter +from the scope of his benevolence, and they may occasionally be seen at +his parties, wondering how so strange a medley of second-rate +incompetencies can have been gathered together into one room. + +It is noticeable, that the Dilettante loves the society of ladies, and +is not averse to encouraging amongst his intimates the belief, which +none of them holds though all express it, that he is in reality a +terrible fellow and much given to the destruction of domestic happiness. +He finds a sense of rest and security in fancying that he is suspected +of an intrigue. But it is somewhat remarkable, that the evil tongues +which make sad havoc of many unwilling reputations are very slow to +gratify the willing Dilettante in this respect. No Dilettante can be +considered genuine, unless he expresses a pitying contempt for +everything that is characteristically English, and for the unfortunate +English who are imbued with the prejudices of their native land. He +gives a practical expression to his scorn by quavering in a reedy voice, +the feeble _chansonnettes_ of an inferior French composer, and by +issuing a volume of poems in which the laws of English Grammar are +trampled under foot, and the restrictions of English metre are defied. +In his lyrical effusions he breathes the passionate desire of a great +soul for Love that is not of the earth. He aspires to the stars, and +invokes the memory of dead heroes, his intimates. He sets out to win +imperishable glory amidst the embattled ranks of his country's foes. He +lashes the cold and cruel heartlessness of the world with a noble scorn. +He addresses the skeletons of departed friends with passionate longing. +He finds that life and its gaudy pleasures are as dust and ashes in the +mouth. + +Having read these efforts to an admiring circle, he betakes himself with +infinite zest to the discussion of aesthetic tittle-tattle over a cup of +tea and a toasted bun. "Dear fellow," his friends will say of him at +such a moment, "he is so etherial; and his eyes, did you observe that +far-away, rapt look in them?" They will then take pleasure in persuading +one another without much difficulty, that they are the fine flower of +created beings. + +The Dilettante, moreover, is a constant attendant at the first nights of +certain theatres. He figures with equal regularity as a large element in +the society gossip of weekly journals. He is a delicate eater and never +drinks too much out of the Venetian glasses, which his butler ruthlessly +breaks after the manner of domestics. There is amongst the inner circle +of the Dilettanti a jargon, both of voice and of gesture, which passes +muster as humour, but is unintelligible to the outer world of burly +Philistines. They dangle hands rather than shake them, and emphasise +their meaning by delicate finger-taps. Their phrases are distinguished +by a plaintive cadence which is particularly to be remarked in their +pronunciation of the word "dear." + +At charitable concerts in aristocratic drawing-rooms the Dilettante is +in great request. On these occasions, he astonishes and delights his +friends with a new song, of which, he will have composed both the words +and the music, if he may be believed, whilst he was leaning from his +casement "watching the procession of the moon-lit clouds." He sometimes +smokes cigarettelets (a word must be coined to express their size and +strength), but he never attempts cigars, and loathes the homely pipe. In +gait and manner he affects a mincing delicacy, by which he seeks to +impress the thoughtless with a sense of his superior refinement. In +later life, he is apt to lose his hair, and to disguise the ravages of +time upon his cheeks by the aid of _rouge_. Yet he deceives nobody, and +having grown stout and wheezy is eventually carried off by a common cold +in an odour of _pastilles_. He will be buried in a wicker-work coffin +covered with lilies, and a rival Dilettante having written a limp and +limping sonnet to his memory, will take his evening. + + * * * * * + +COMIC SLAUGHTER! + +(_The Story of the Next Battle, written in advance for Next Month's +"Powder Magazine," by a Soldier in the Ranks._) + +The Victory of Rumtumidity was certainly one of the most amusing things +I ever saw in my life. We landed at six o'clock in the evening, and +finding a grog-shop, were soon gone coons. Speaking for myself, I saw +the colours of the Regiment magnified by twenty! Well, we were ordered +to march, and off we started, staggering along in fine style. Out came +the moon, and one of us fell down in a dead faint. + +"Suffering from sunstroke!" said the Surgeon, who was a Welsh Irishman. +"Leave him in the sand, and he will soon come to himself when he finds +you gone--if he doesn't, the vultures will hasten his movements." + +This jest made us all laugh. Our Captain hearing one of us roaring a +trifle too loud, put his sword through him. Immense! + +We marched along to the music of the prisoners, who yelled out bravely +when they were prodded by the guards set over them. + +"Did you see the like!" said TIM O'FLANAGAN (from Edinburgh), who, no +doubt, would have developed the idea, had not his head at that moment +been carried off by a cannon-ball. Very comic! + +"Now, my lads," said our Captain, who wasn't much of an orator, "look +here--England expects every man to do his duty; and, if you don't, why +_I_ am having you all watched, and, as sure as beans is beans, the +laggards will be bayoneted." + +This little speech had the desired effect, especially after it had been +strengthened by a double ration of grog. + +Then came the order to charge. We charged, and killed everyone we saw, +including our own officers. This simplified matters. A little later the +whole place was in our hands. Rumtumidity was taken! + +Then came the order to bury the dead. But we did more--_we buried the +living with them_! Oh, how it made us laugh! Then came supper, and we +amused ourselves by telling to one another our adventures. I was just +recounting how I had emptied the pockets of a deceased officer, +when--"whisk!"--up came a cannon-ball and struck me! I was able to say +nothing more at that time; as, when the cannon-ball had passed, I found +it had left me defunct! And I have been dead ever since. My companion +and chum, whose name I must not give without permission, will vouch for +every word I've said. + +(_Signed_) A. MUNCHAUSEN, + +_Late Lance-Ensign, the Lincoln Longbowers_. + + * * * * * + +"ENGLISH, YOU KNOW, QUITE ENGLISH." + +Perhaps, the good old rule that, "You should never look a gift-horse in +the mouth," cannot be so rigorously applied to gifts of pictures to the +Nation as to other things. Nevertheless, Mr. TATE'S munificent proffer +of his Collection to the National Gallery, is surely too good a thing to +be missed through matters of mere detail. _Mr. Punch's_ view is--well, +despite _Touchstone's_ attack on "the very false gallop of verses," +there are two things that come most insinuatingly in metre; offers of +love, and of friendly advice:-- + + ENGLISH Art no longer paints + Those "squint-eyed Byzantine saints" + Mr. ORROCK so disparages. + Martyrdoms and Cana Marriages + Over-stock our great Art Gallery, + Giving ground for ORROCK'S raillery. + Scenes in desert dim, or dun stable, + Than Green English lanes by CONSTABLE + Are less welcome, or brown rocks + And grey streams by DAVID COX. + Saint Sebastian's death? Far sweeter + Sylvan scenes by honest PETER; + There's a charm in dear DE WINT + Cannot be conveyed in print. + + Verdant landscapes, sea-scapes cool, + Painted by the English School. + Must be welcome to our British + Taste, which is not grim or skittish; + Rather Philistine, it may be. + Sweet on cornfields and the Baby; + Yet of ROMNEY'S grace no spurner, + Or the golden dreams of TURNER. + Moral? Will a moral, bless us! + Comes like that old shirt of NESSUS. + Still, here goes! An Art-official + Should be genial, but judicial. + When an Art-Collection's national, + It is obviously rational + It should be a bit eclectic, + Weeding out the crude or hectic. + He who'd have his country's honour, + As a liberal Art-donor, + Thinks more of his country's fame + Than of _his_ particular name. + Would you win true reputation + As benefactor of the Nation. + Trust me 'tis not "special room" + Keeps _that_ glory in full bloom. + _Punch_ is a plain-speaking chap; + Here's his view of things. _Verb. sap._! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +PICTURES IN THE HAYMARKET.--"And there stood the 'tater-man, In the +midst of all the wet; A vending of his taters in the lonely Haymarket." +So sang one of the greatest of _Mr. Punch's_ singers, years agone. If he +had sung in the present day, he would have substituted pictures for +'taters; for surely this pleasant thorough-fare has become a mart for +pictures and players rather than potatoes. Look in at TOOTH'S Gallery, +and you will stay a long while, indeed you will age considerably, and +may be said to be "long in the TOOTH," before you come out, as you will +find the exhibition so paletteable. Then having refreshed your eye with +the spring sunshine--if there happens to be any about--you will turn +into MCLEAN'S _salon_ and see a marvellous picture of Jaffa, by G. +BAUERNFEIND, and other works by English and foreign painters. The County +Council will have to change the title of this street into the A-market, +"A" standing for Art, of course. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Fancy Portrait of my Laundress, judging by her +Handiwork.] + + * * * * * + +THE GRAND OLD HAT. + + When this old hat was new, + ('Tis not so many years,) + My followers did not view + My course with doubts and fears. + CHAMBERLAIN then would praise, + And HENRY JAMES was true; + Ah! this was in the days + When this old hat was new. + + When this old hat was new + My head was smaller--yes! + Now I'd have much ado + To get it on, I guess. + The cause I cannot tell, + I only know 'tis true; + My head has seemed to swell + Since this old hat was new. + + Perhaps, as some maintain, + My cranium may have grown, + Owing to stretch of brain, + Or thickening of bone. + "The hat has shrunk?" Eh? What? + _That_ nonsense will not do! + My head _has_ grown, a lot, + Since this old hat was new. + + What TYNDALL dares to call, + In wrath, my "traitorous" head, + Is "growing still," that's all; + (Of "MARIAN" this was said) + My cranial vertex flat? + Pah! Tories may pooh-pooh; + I wore a smaller hat + When this old hat was new! + + * * * * * + +THE NEW BISHOP OF DURHAM.--WESTCOTT and,--no, Bishops don't wear +them--so His Reverend Lordship will be known as "WESTCOTT and Apron." + + * * * * * + +ODE ON A BLACK BALL. + +(_A Fragment, some way after Addison, picked up in the neighbourhood of +the Athenæum Club._) + + What though in solemn silence all + Drop in the dark the fatal ball? + What though no overt voice or sound + Amidst the voting throng be found? + In reason's ear they speak of choice, + And utter forth a boding voice, + Saying, as silent they recline, + "Your company we must decline!" + + * * * * * + +PIPING TIMES FOR THE EMPIRE.--The bagpipes were not heard playing, "_The +Campbells are Coming_," at the relief of Lucknow. Why? Because the +regiment hadn't got any. The regimental bagpipes were first introduced +by Mr. BOUCICAULT, in his drama of _The Relief of Lucknow_ (that was the +subject, whatever the name might have been) at Astley's. Miss AMY +ROSELLE'S recitation of the thrilling story specially written for her by +Mr. SAVILE CLARKE is most dramatic, and thrills the audience at the +Empire. The journalistic discussion, as to the pipes, comes in very +appropriately, and will assist to raise the wind and pay the piper. This +recitation, is a great "Relief" to the ordinary Music-hall +entertainments, and the Empire has "Luck now." + + * * * * * + +"PROPRIA QUÆ MARIBUS." + + PENTHESILEA straddling on the pigskin? + Surely a male biped need not dwell + In a prejudiced pedantic prig's skin, + Not to like that prospect passing well. + CARLYLE, who scoffed at Man, had deemed it caddish + To picture _Woman_ as "a mere forked radish." + + Dear Diana after hounds a riding + Like--a clothes-peg on a clothes-line? Nay! + Rub out all unnatural laws dividing + Sex from sex,--'tis the World's drift to-day. + Let ladies mount the 'bus, or Hansom Cab it, + But let not custom new banish old Habit. + + Paint, write poems, pose as prandial wit, Ma'am, + Perorate upon the public platform; + Even in the County Council sit, Ma'am, + If Law lets you, and your taste takes that form; + But take _Punch's_ tip, and do not straddle; + Stick to common-sense and the side-saddle. + + * * * * * + +Lines on the Labour Conference. + +[Illustration] + + The youthful German Emperor may try + By Socialistic plans to prop his rule. + Some think 'twill all result in a great cry, + And little (Berlin) wool. + Still, all good souls will wish young WILLIAM luck. + The Teutons may not relish Swiss suggestion, + But anyhow it shows the Emperor's pluck + In handling _Berne_-ing questions. + + * * * * * + +_Q._ Shall Privates in uniform be admitted to the stalls and boxes in +theatres? _A._ Certainly, if covered with "Orders." Private Boxes +henceforth will be Boxes for Privates. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WEATHER STUDIES. + +"ONLY A FACE AT A WINDOW!" | "ONLY A FACE--NOTHING MORE!"] + + * * * * * + +"GRANDOLPHO FURIOSO!" + +_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_ + + "Begone brave army, don't kick up a row!"-- + GRANDOLPHO mine, it were sheer superfluity + For you to _bid_ your forces scatter _now_. + The troopers two, of curious incongruity, + With the long drummer, and the fifer short, + That formed the old stage-army were more numerous + Than is your following. You have given us sport + In many scenes, but this is hardly humorous. + + The general of ARTAXOMINOUS + Was far less terrible than--well, thrasonic. + To tear a thing to tatters, shout and "cuss," + In an assembly callous and sardonic, + Savours a bit too much of sheer burlesque, + Scarce to the level of fine acting rises. + The unexpected's piquant, picturesque, + But a sound drama is not _all_ surprises. + + Thought you had taken to the "Temperance" line, + This looks much more like angry inebriety. + A little freakishness is vastly fine, + But even of surprise there comes satiety. + If you and FUSBOS JENNINGS can't agree, + There seems small prospect of a growing Party, + _Verb. sap._ They thought BOMBASTES dead, you see. + But the _finale_ found him up, and hearty! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDOLPHO FURIOSO!" + +MR. PUNCH. "HULLO, GRANDOLPH! I THOUGHT YOU'D TAKEN TO +'_TEMPERANCE_'!!"] +OUT OF IT.--The Amazons who doff the skirt, and don the, the--other +things, can never be considered in Rotten Row as "_habituées_." + + * * * * * + +HE CAN'T ALP IT! + + "My only desire is to meet you on the terms on which long ago we + stood when you gallantly offered to take me up the + Matterhorn."--_Mr. Gladstone's Letter to Professor Tyndall._ + +Mr. GLADSTONE _and_ Professor TYNDALL _discovered seated on the edge of +a Crevasse_. + +_Mr. Gladstone._ I didn't know a glacier was so frightfully slippery. + +_Prof. Tyndall._ Slippery--ha! Like _some_ politicians I might mention! + +_Mr. Gladstone._ That last avalanche, too, bowled us over so neatly that +I feel distinctly limp. + +_Prof. Tyndall (severely)._ You should try and avoid this "subserviency +to outside influences." I always do. + +_Mr. Gladstone (ignoring the remark)._ What range is that over there? + +_Prof. Tyndall._ The Pennine Alps, stoopid! From their name they would +seem a suitable residence for a person who scribbles twaddle in +Magazines--ahem! No personal allusion, of course. + +_Mr. Gladstone (gaily)._ Of course not! But isn't it rather dangerous +sitting here, with that bank of snow just above us? Suppose it came down +on us! + +_Prof. Tyndall._ As the Judges came down on your Parnellite allies, eh? +Perhaps, as we're getting to some nasty places, we might be tied +together now. + +_Mr. Gladstone (warmly)._ Quite so. A union of hearts, in fact. + +[_After a few hours' more climbing, they reach the summit of the +Matterhorn._ + +_Prof. Tyndall._ Sorry to leave you, but you see I only promised to take +you up, not to see you safe down again. Ta, ta! I may as well mention +that I consider you a "ubiquitous blast-furn----" + +[_Disappears suddenly over the edge._ + +_Mr. Gladstone._ Dear me! what dreadful language! And he appears to have +cut the rope! He must be a Separatist, after all! If it were PITT, now, +I should call his conduct rather "base and blackguardly." Perhaps I +shall meet the "Professor at the Tea-Table"--at Zermatt! + +[_Descends cautiously._ + + * * * * * + +THE BURGLAR'S BACK.[1] + + "Lord ESHER is greatly concerned about the probable condition of a + burglar's back after a couple of floggings."--_Times._ + +AIR--"_Those Evening Bells._" + + The burglar's back, the burglar's back! + 'Twill soon be rash a crib to crack. + BILL SIKES will sigh for happier times, + When "cats" were not the meed of crimes. + + The burglar's back! Lord ESHER pales + When thinking of its crimson wales. + His feelings will not stand the strain, + Of dwelling on the ruffian's pain. + + The brute may "bash," the scoundrel shoot, + Hack with his knife, "purr" with his boot; + But though he "bash," or "purr," or hack, + You must not touch the burglar's back. + + No, let the brutal burglar burgle; + Whilst sentiment will calmly gurgle + Bland platitudes, but not attack + That sacred thing, the burglar's back! + +[Footnote: 1 "_The Burglar's Back_"--Is he? then the sooner he's caught +and sent to penal servitude the better.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +"MAY FARE WORSE!" + +_Or, The Difference between Goode and Baird._ + + What a sweet little supper!--two fire-eating "pros.," + And a person "of no occupation," + Who got both his eyes blacked and was cut on the nose, + Though "there wasn't the least provocation." + And they cursed and they throttled, they gouged, and they swore, + And they battered and bled, and they tumbled and tore, + And they fetched the police, and they rolled down the stair, + Did these blue-blooded dwellers in merry Mayfair. + +[Illustration: Chancery Practice.] + +Mr. ARTHUR COCKBURN will probably not want to see Mr. BAIRD in bed +again, the penalty being two black eyes (no relation to the two that +were lovely), and a cut nose. What's the good of being called GOODE if +you are going to get your eyes gouged out, and be beaten on the head +with a poker, and, in fact worsted all round? But there, if one +gentleman is "slightly intoxicated," while another is "undoubtedly +drunk," and a third is "slightly mixed," there's no knowing what may +happen. Did GOODE "keep his hair on" when he got hit on the head with a +poker? What a beautiful picture of genuine Mayfair manners it is! The +case is still _sub (Punch and) judice_, and Mr. Justice _Punch_ reserves +his decision. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_Cassell's Cabinet Portrait Gallery._ In Number One are met together the +Duke and Duchess of FIFE, SARAH BERNHARDT as _Theodora_, and the +Archbishop of CANTERBURY, the last very properly looking another way. In +Vol. II. there is rather a nice one of Mrs. STIRLING and MARY ANDERSON, +but the photographer ought to have been more careful about the little +finger of MARY'S right hand. In Vol. III., JAMES PAYN, reading a +manuscript, with his spectacles up on his forehead, is very good. The +picture of H.R.H. the Prince, in uniform, is too dark, and his +expression is severe. Charming and clever Miss MAUD MILLETT is in Part +IV., followed by the Duke of WESTMINSTER and Mr. LEWIS MORRIS, the Poet +looking so awe-struck, that he must have been taken by surprise, and +been "struck like it." Miss ANNA WILLIAMS leads off No. V., and, to +express it musically, she is accompanied by the Duke of CONNAUGHT. Sir +JAMES LINTON appears for the Water-colourists. In Part VI. the face of +Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., is full of light and shade, more light +than shade, fortunately, and it is a really good likeness. The Duchess +of LEINSTER looks lovely, and Sig. PIATTI uncommonly wise as he guards +his 'cello. + +Neatly and concisely done is Mr. BESANT'S _Captain Cook_, published in +the MACMILLAN Series of _English Men of Action_. He discovered the +Society Islands, whence, of course, are obtained our present supply of +Society Papers. The natives of these Society Islands made great use of +their Clubs, some of which proved fatal to Captain COOK and his men. + +Captain COOK, had he been alive now, would have been among the first to +appreciate _The Pocket Atlas_, in which the names of the chief places +are clear enough for all practical purposes. There are seventy-two maps, +and the publisher bears the honoured name of WALKER, though the map is +not specially intended for the use of pedestrians. + +MACMILLAN & CO.'S cheap edition of CHARLES KINGSLEY'S works is +deservedly popular; easy to carry, good clean type, so that those who +ride may read. _Two Years Ago_ is just out. By the way, the same firm's +CHARLOTTE YONGE and the other KINGSLEY Series, make a noble show in a +library, on our "noble shelves." "MAC & CO."--_i.e._, the "Two +MACS"--are to be congratulated; and, that being so, the Baron hereby and +herewith congratulates them. + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MR. G'S. HEAD.--A "DUKE" writing to the _St. James's Gazette_ last +Thursday, joined in the discussion about Mr. GLADSTONE'S head, and +observed that hats shrink, and that certain hatters, exceptionally sane, +whose evidence can be trusted, allowed for the decrease in size. But do +they allow for this in the bills? Is the decrease there proportionate? +Considering what Mr. GLADSTONE once was, a Tory of the Tories, and what +he is now, is it to be wondered at that a considerable change should +have been going on in Mr. GLADSTONE'S head? Why he is finishing poles +apart from where he commenced! + + * * * * * + +THE King of the National Picture Donors is henceforth "the Potent TATE." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +(_Which will be found useful in explaining certain Conventional Forms of +Expression. Compiled by Professor Von Hombugh._) + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_The Police have a clue._" _Meaning_--"The Police know nothing about +it, and are doing all they know." + +"_An exceptionally experienced Detective has charge of the case, and is +actively engaged in investigating all matters concerning it_;" _i.e._, +"A promoted constable in plain clothes is loafing about the neighbouring +public-houses, and standing drinks, generally without the exercise of +much discrimination, to unlikely people." + +"_A young Woman of prepossessing appearance_;" _i.e._, "A rather showy +female." + +"_The Police are, however, very reticent about the whole affair_;" +_i.e._, "When ignorance is rife, 'tis folly to give tongue." + +"_It is believed that the most important discoveries will result from +the investigations now in progress_;" _i.e._, "Nothing is known as to +whether anything is being done: but it finishes off the paragraph, and +sounds well." + +"_I am assured on the best authority, that there is no truth in the +rumour that H.S.H. the Prince of Katzendlenbogen has been laid up with +chicken-pox_;" _i.e._, "As there's no news, I may as well invent some, +for the sake of contradicting it." + +"_As everybody knows_;" _i.e._, "I have a certain space to fill, and +nothing new to say, so I'll tell an ancient story, or bring in +MACAULAY'S New Zealander." + +"_As all the world knows_," "except myself (the writer), who has met +with the information for the first time in a most valuable book of +reference." + +"_We regret to hear that, &c._;" _i.e._, "Our sorrow is tempered by the +fact that we are utter strangers to the individual in question, and that +his or her affliction provides us with a certain amount of 'copy.'" + +"_The hall was tastefully decorated_;" _i.e._, "two hired flags and an +evergreen hoop." + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL. + +"_How are you? Haven't seen you for an age!_" _i.e._, "Didn't expect to +see you, and didn't want to." + +"_Not at Home_;" _i.e._, "Doesn't she know that I've got a 'day?' Not +that I want to see her even _then_!" + +"_Of course I should have known it anywhere. I think you've caught the +likeness most wonderfully!_" _i.e._, "Why the deuce doesn't he tell one +whom it's meant for?" + +"_Small and early_;" _i.e._, "No supper, and something which will count +as 'a party,' at the least possible cost and trouble." + +THEATRICAL. + +"_The Management regrets that, owing to previous arrangements, the piece +must be withdrawn in the height of its popularity_;" _i.e._, "Not +drawing a shilling, company fearfully expensive, sooner we shut up the +better." + +"_House full! Money turned away nightly_;" _i.e._, Crammed with paper, +two persons who wanted to pay for pit were refused admission by way of +advertising. + +"_The new Play will probably be produced during the Summer at a West End +Theatre_;" _i.e._, "The author has had his comedy returned by every +Manager in London, with the remark, that 'although excellent, it is +scarcely suited to his present company.'" + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_It would ill become me, after the able and eloquent speech of your +Chairman_;" _i.e._, "What on earth is the name of that retired +cheesemonger who talked rubbish, and mispronounced my name?" + +"_When I look at this splendid meeting_;" _i.e._, "I wonder why those +back benches are empty. Some bungling on the part of the Secretary, as +usual." + +"_I shall have to return to this subject later on_;" _i.e._, "Can't +remember anything more at present." + +"_If we all work shoulder to shoulder_;" _i.e._, "Must say 'shoulder to +shoulder,' or 'shoulders to the wheel,' or, 'leave no stone unturned,' +in every speech." + +WORKMEN'S. + +"_Well, I don't care if I do!_" _i.e._, "Haven't had a drink for half an +hour--waiting for you to stand treat this ten minutes past." + +"_Ah! he's a Gentleman, he is, every hinch of him!_" _i.e._, He has +"parted" freely, or "tipped" liberally. + +"_He's about as stingy as they make 'em_;" _i.e._, He has declined to be +abominally overcharged. + +"_Could you tell me wot's about the right time, Guv'nor?_" _i.e._, +"Isn't it about time to send me up some more beer?" + +ADVERTISING. + +"_A Lady is desirous of recommending_;" _i.e._, "Getting rid of." + +"_The Property of a Gentleman going abroad_;" _i.e._, "Mr. BROOKS (of +Sheffield)." + +"_Owner's sole Reason for parting with him is_"--_i.e._, "The one he +omits to mention." (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS ALL SIXES AND SEVENS.] + + * * * * * + +"O RARE 'BEN'!" + +In aid of The Actor's Benevolent Fund, the Irving Amateur Dramatic Club +are going to give a performance of _Henry IV. (Part I.)_, at the Lyceum +Theatre, Saturday afternoon, March 29, when in consequence of H.R.H. The +Princess of WALES having accorded her gracious patronage, the Welsh song +will be sung by Miss ELEANOR REES on the stage, as _Lady Mortimer_, +which will be a melodious illustration of rhyme and REES-on. The +Amateurs appearing for the Actors is as it should be. The President of +the Club is HENRY, not the Fourth, but the First, yclept HENRY IRVING, +and the Vice, with numberless virtues, is Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY, M.P., +whom if it be JUSTIN Pater (not JUSTIN MARTYR), we should like to have +seen in spectacles in the Tavern Scene, as _Francis_ the Drawer,--a +drawer would have been an immense attraction. If JUSTIN Junior could +play the other Drawer, the attraction would be doubled. "Sure such a +pair!" But we must not jest in too Shakspearian a manner. We hope the +Actors' Benevolent will benefit largely by the acting of the Benevolent +Amateurs. Let the Benevolent Public too go and see _Henry IV. (Part +1st)_, and let them "part first." + + * * * * * + +NOTE (_by One who doesn't pretend to know French_). The Tirard Cabinet +couldn't go on, because it was too Tirard!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARTISTIC POSTPRANDIALISM. + +_Painter._ "I HOPE I SHALL HAVE THE PLEASURE OF HEARING YOU PLAY +TO-NIGHT!" + +_Musician._ "ACH, NO! AFTER TINNER, MUSIC IS TISCOSTING! LET US CO ROUND +AND LOOK AT ZE PUTIFUL BICTURES TOGEZZER--JA?" + +_Painter._ "WHAT! _PICTURES!_ AFTER _DINNER_! THE VERY IDEA MAKES ME +SICK!" [_Exeunt, to play Poker._]] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW AMAZON. + + Ride-a-cock horse + To Banbury Cross, + To see a young Lady + A-straddle, o'course. + If the new notion + Very far goes, + What she'll do next + Nobody knows. + + * * * * * + +SPECTACULAR.--How is it that among the guests at the Livery +Dinner--(ugh! horrid expression! Yet I dare say the dinner wasn't more +livery than any other City banquet)--of the Spectacle Makers' Company, +were not to be found AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, quite the best spectacle +maker in London, and that from among the list of toasts as reported, +Art, Literature, and the Drama were omitted? Through what spectacles do +the Spectacle Makers see? + + * * * * * + +REFLECTION ON THE RECENT VALUABLE DISCOVERY AT CANTERBURY.--If cremation +had been the practice in 1228 there would have been no remains of +STEPHEN LANGTON to-day. Without the remains of the Archbishop, is it +likely that the treasures, historically so valuable, would have been +permitted to come down to us? + + * * * * * + +MR. C. M. WOODFORD has just brought out a book entitled _A Naturalist +among the Head Hunters_. Ahem! It doesn't sound nice. Is it procurable +at every hairdresser's? + + * * * * * + +"BETTERMENT,"--Well-meant. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, May 9._--This has been great occasion for Windbag +SEXTON. Excelled himself, and there is no other point of comparison +useful or usable. SAUNDERSON, who always takes friendly views of his +countrymen opposite, pleads that SEXTON'S windbaggism is partly due to +his birth. In Ireland, he assures me, a mile is longer than in other +parts of the Empire; and so, kind-hearted Colonel pleads, some allowance +should be made for SEXTON when he gets on the oratorical tramp. That's +all very well; but, for a man to talk two hours and three-quarters in a +so-called Debate, is even more than the national tendency towards +exaggeration illustrated by the Irish mile will excuse. Why couldn't +SEXTON have windbagged on some day of last week? Suppose, for example, +his self-sacrificing friends had made a House for him at a quarter to +nine on Friday night, and he had then talked for three hours and a +quarter?--or on Wednesday there was opportunity; whilst openings might +have been made on Tuesday or Thursday. + +"No, TOBY," said SEXTON, when I suggested this in interests of House and +public time, "you're a well-meaning fellow, but you don't understand +everything. You see in debate of this kind all principal men stand off +till the last day. We might have twinkled on several days of last week, +but we prefer to coruscate on last night. Sure of an audience; Whips +out; crowds in; excitement everywhere. I and HARCOURT, and CHAMBERLAIN, +and BALFOUR, all save ourselves for the last night. Can't all speak, +perhaps, especially if I get on first: but they must take their chance. +With the Universe waiting and listening for me, other things and other +people must stand aside. Very serious thing to disappoint the Universe." + +So SEXTON, rising at five o'clock, with the windbag conveniently +disposed under arm, pumped and pumped away for two mortal hours, and an +odd three-quarters that seemed more than mortal. GRANDOLPH waiting to +make a speech; ARTHUR BALFOUR longing to be at 'em. Members knowing what +was in store, "expecting," as SHEEHY said, that "every moment would be +his next." But SEXTON flowed on for ever, with aggravating pauses, with +a smile of sublime, unruffled satisfaction, that made the position ten +times as aggravating as it otherwise would have been. To smile and +smile, and play such a villanous trick as this on a suffering House was +worse than most disordered fancy painted. + +"If," said ARTHUR BALFOUR, in one of his agonised asides, "the fellow +did not undisguisedly enjoy such supreme happiness, our lot would be +more bearable." + +"Never mind," said OLD MORALITY. "Bad enough, I admit. But do you know +why persons are sometimes killed by having a charcoal fire in their +bedrooms? Because the carbon of burning charcoal unites with the oxygen +of air, and forms carbonic acid gas, which is a narcotic poison. So it +is here. SEXTON has got hold of some good points; he is not inapt as a +speaker; if his inordinate vanity had only permitted him to be satisfied +with occupying time of House for half an hour, or, say, three-quarters, +he would have made damaging speech; as it is, he wearies House to death, +swamps us all and himself in waste of verbiage, and the people he +attacks escape in the general misery. In other words, his carbon of +burning vanity, uniting with the oxygen of opportunity, forms a speech +two hours and three-quarters long; which is a narcotic poison." + +Mr. G., with the ardour of youth, and the training of an athlete, +proposed to himself to hear what SEXTON had to say. Accordingly took up +convenient seat below Gangway. Stayed there an hour. Then walked back an +altered man; shattered; aged; almost in a state of coma. + +"Well, you ought to have known better," I said, somewhat sharply, having +no sympathies with these vagaries. + +"And I was so well and strong when I entered the House," Mr. G. said, +wearily. "Quite elate with my correspondence with TYNDALL. Didn't you +think that a nice turn in the concluding sentence?--'My only desire is +to meet you on the terms on which, long ago, we stood when, under my +roof, you gallantly offered to take me up the Matterhorn, _and +guaranteed my safe return_! Wouldn't trust myself on the Matterhorn with +TYNDALL now;" and Mr. G., warily shaking his head, walked forth in +search of rest and refreshment. + +_Business done._--Mr. G.'s Amendment to OLD MORALITY'S Resolution on +Parnell Commission Report negatived by 339 votes against 268. + +_Tuesday._--This has been GRANDOLPH'S night. Broke the silence of the +still young Session with memorable speech; been in diligent attendance +on Debate; sat through interminable speeches with patience only excelled +by Mr. G.; sometimes looked as if were about to deliver his soul; but +succeeded in bottling it up. To-night soul drove out the cork; burst +the bottle, so to speak. + +GRANDOLPH a man of many phases. Tonight presented himself in his highest +character; a statesman; a champion of constitutional principles at +whatever expense to prospects and sensibilities of his most revered +friends on Treasury Bench and elsewhere. Quite a new style of speech for +GRANDOLPH, testifying to remarkable range of his genius. Nothing +personal: free from acrimony; inspired with profound, unfeigned, +reverence for constitutional principles. Here and there a touch of +pathos as he recalled former times when, as DIZZY said of PEEL on a +famous occasion, "they had been so proud to follow one who had been so +proud to lead them." + +[Illustration: The Reverberating Colomb.] + +Awful splutter in Ministerial circles. A gleam of delight flashed +through the shadow when it was discovered that JENNINGS had rebelled +against RANDOLPH'S new revolt. "Ha! ha!" said the REVERBERATING COLOMB, +after JENNINGS had made his speech, "the army has dismissed its +general." + +This all very well; not here concerned with GRANDOLPH'S relations with +his Party or his faithful friend; merely note that the speech itself +lifts GRANDOLPH once more into the very front rank of political +personages. The Liberal Party cannot ignore nor the Conservatives +dispense with the man who made that speech. + +JOKIM not a particular friend of GRANDOLPH'S. "Leg quite on other boot," +as SHEEHY says. But he did the enemy a service to-night. To complete +GRANDOLPH'S triumph it only required that some Member of the Ministry +whose ineptitude he had demonstrated should rise and, with loud voice, +ungainly gestures, drag the Debate down from the heights to which it had +been lifted, debasing it by personal attacks hoarsely shrieked across +the table at former friends and colleagues. JOKIM did this amidst +uproarious cheers from JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg, who began to think that, +after all, there is something in the Right Hon. Gentleman. + +_Business done._--OLD MORALITY'S Motion carried. + +_Wednesday._--Attempt by some noisy outsiders who know nothing of House +to make things unpleasant for AKERS-DOUGLAS, because House Counted Out +last Friday. Said he has been wigged; assume he will retire. All arrant +nonsense. Everybody in House, Conservative, Liberal, Dissentient, Irish, +whatever we be, all know AKERS-DOUGLAS as one of best Whips of present +generation. Assiduous, persuasive, courteous, yet firm; always at his +post, never fussy, never cross, apparently never tired, he is a model of +a Whip. His Party could better spare an occasional Secretary of State. + +[Illustration: Our Whip (at present without a Handle to his Name).] + +For purely business arrangements Ministers have a unique combination of +three men. OLD MORALITY, as Leader of House; AKERS-DOUGLAS, as Whip; and +JACKSON, as Financial Secretary, are strong enough to balance effects of +any reasonable amount of blundering in high politics. They take care of +the pence of efficiency and popularity, and leave the MARKISS an +occasional pound to spend. + +_Business Done._--New Irish Land Bill brought in, and cast out. + +_Thursday._--TEYNHAM on in the Lords, but what he's on about the Lords +only know, and not all of them. Something to do with Camperdown; +GRANVILLE not entirely out of it; and the MARKISS at least compromised. +TEYNHAM, standing at Cross Benches, holding on to the rail of Bench +before him, as if he were in pulpit, swings about his body, turns to +right and left, sometimes presenting his back to LORD CHANCELLOR, whilst +he contemplates emptiness of Strangers' Galleries. In plaintive voice, +full of tears, he babbles o' Camperdown, green fields, _nemine +contradicente_, and Standing Order No. XXI. + +Pretty to watch HOBHOUSE whilst TEYNHAM on his legs. Sits intently +listening; first crossed one knee, then the other; puts his two +forefingers together as if connecting the matter of TEYNHAM'S speech; +gradually, as muddle grows thicker, two locks of hair on top of his head +slowly rise and remained standing, as it were, till TEYNHAM reseated +himself. Most remarkable testimony to mental struggle. Even HOBHOUSE, +having thus given his mind to it, couldn't make out what TEYNHAM was at. +As for DENMAN he, after first ten minutes of speech, flouted out of +House. + +[Illustration: A Mental Struggle.] + +"TOBY," said he, passing me in the Lobby; "if this is what the House of +Lords is coming to, I shall vote with ROSEBERY for its immediate reform. +Don't like to say anything disrespectful of a Peer; but I must observe +that TEYNHAM is a little lacking in coherency. His observations fail in +point; in short, if he were not a Peer I should say his mind was +wandering. Whatever we do, TOBY, let us be intelligent _and_ +intelligible. I trust I am not prejudiced, but I really can't stand +TEYNHAM." + +_Business done._--In Commons, Government defeated, in resisting HAMLEY'S +proposal to stump up for Volunteers. + +_Friday Night._--TREVELYAN brought forward Motion proposing that +Parliament shall rise at beginning of July, making up necessary time in +winter months. Supported proposition in speech graceful and strong, a +model of rare combination of literary art, with Parliamentary aptitude. +After brisk debate, resolution negatived by 173 votes against 169. "A +majority of four won't long stand in our way," said CHARLES FORSTER, who +having, some Sessions ago, fortuitously found his hat, never now deserts +it. + +[Illustration: Sir William Burning. + +(_See the Chancellor of the Exchequer's Speech, March 11th._)] + +_Business done._--Government vainly tried to get into Committee of +Supply. + + * * * * * + +THE DIFFERENCE.--Sir GEORGE TREVELYAN wants the House of Commons to +"rise at the beginning of July." _Mr. Punch_ wishes it to rise at all +times--above rowdyism. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:]NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, March 22, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30414 *** |