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diff --git a/old/30480-8.txt b/old/30480-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba311af --- /dev/null +++ b/old/30480-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17353 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Humors of Falconbridge + A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes + +Author: Jonathan F. Kelley + +Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE *** + + + + +Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + +This etext differs from the original in the following ways. Some missing +periods have been inserted. The original used "some how" and "somehow" +about equally; all have been changed to "somehow." The OE ligature, used +several times, is shown as [oe]. In the advertisements at the end of the +book, uses of the pointing-hand symbols (Unicode #9758, White Right +Pointing Index, and Unicode #9756, White Left Pointing Index) have been +replaced with the right (») and left («) double-angle symbols from the +ISO 8859-1 character set. Finally, evident typographical errors have +been corrected as follows: + + someting > something, p. 63 + catankerous > cantankerous, p. 71 + veloscipeding > velocipeding, p. 99 + who'se > who's, p. 99 + turkies > turkeys, p. 110 + potatoe > potato, p. 121 + knowlege > knowledge, p. 155 + lagest > largest, p. 177 + pass > past, p. 190 + develope > develop, p. 249 + ot > not, p. 257 + governer > governor, p. 257 + handerchief > handkerchief, p. 261 + poverity > poverty, p. 279 + reconnoissances > reconnaissances, p. 281 + himsesf > himself, p. 288 + peaking > peeking, p. 311 + sponser > sponsor, p. 313 + aspsrations > aspirations, p. 336 + mortaged > mortgaged, p. 376 + woful > woeful, p. 400 + domicils > domiciles, p. 400 + Amercian > American, p. 409 + lubago > lumbago, p. 412 + somethiug > something, p. 420 + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Go--goo--good Lord-d d! Ho--ho--hol--hold on!" "O, yeez +needn't be afear'd of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"--_Page_ +92.] + + * * * * * + + HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You +needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty--day's de dogs, +mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the +rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey +are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! +You want to see der teeth?"--_Page_ 136.] + + * * * * * + + THE + + HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE: + + A COLLECTION OF + HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES. + + BY + + JONATHAN F. KELLEY. + + Philadelphia: + T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET. + + [Library stamp: Univ. of California] + + Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by + + T. B. PETERSON, + + In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, + in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. + + * * * * * + + TO + ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ., + OF MASSACHUSETTS, + + AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST + APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING, + + AS WELL AS FOR + + YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES; + + AND MORE THAN ALL, + + FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP, + + I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE, + + Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches. + + FRATERNALLY YOURS, + + FALCONBRIDGE. + + * * * * * + + + + +A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY. + + +The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the +pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting +interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a +taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of +romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which +it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of +exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of +one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled +the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small +anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can +undertake to sketch the principal events of his life. + +It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his +own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal. +They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and +those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended +to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust, +understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been +an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful +accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely +detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him. + +Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August, +A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school, +where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient +to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the +world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while +yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was +employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then +in Third street above Walnut. + +In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go +out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out +for that great region to which attention was then turned--the Western +country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he +walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his +wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been +subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most +fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the +boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had +made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and +assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two +months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time, +and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two +years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of +an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where +he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure +returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling +through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his +career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This +business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and +returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a +theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and +into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of +adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing +experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his +literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires, +he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he +had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be +found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with +a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he +was married. + +This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild, +bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible +for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means +of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some +literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to +commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise +was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati, +where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that +attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly +then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal +devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled +"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the +publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a +store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being +very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was +dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly +opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after +discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he +commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the +signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were +published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much +favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The +reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way +to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in +demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and +enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before +that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he +hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he +relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York, +from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis, +if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the +editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued. +He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for +the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other +journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack +Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he +projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was +really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in +the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial, +"The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a +general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was +induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass., +entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months +trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr. +Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had +the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five +years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and +three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate +father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, +that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would +eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of +Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would +establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was +detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child. +Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship +of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four +months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct +"The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he +reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the +discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become +associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which +politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to +which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American +Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his +writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his +son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He +was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, +after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to +mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove +Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the +dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and +noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly. + +The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his +literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the +information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty +he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful +career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well +be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of +success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling, +with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements, +and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first +disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man. +The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant +application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm +reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or +newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing +through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether +it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to +become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life +seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability. +Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led +to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably +have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in +which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was +not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the +solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may +have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always +constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was +true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every +disadvantage. Altering his position--at times an editor--at times an +assistant-editor--anon changing his business as new hopes were roused +in his bosom--and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of +his fugitive sketches for the means of support--in all these experiments +with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at +home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a +faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can +be bought with gold. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + PAGE + + If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning, 33 + Don't you believe in 'em, 37 + The old Black Bull, 38 + Dobbs makes "a Pint," 42 + Used up, 43 + The greatest Moral Engine, 50 + The Story of Capt. Paul, 51 + Hereditary Complaints, 58 + Nights with the Caucusers, 59 + Affecting Cruelty, 64 + The Wolf Slayer, 65 + The Man that knew 'em All, 74 + A severe Spell of Sickness, 79 + The Race of the Aldermen, 80 + Getting Square, 85 + People do differ, 89 + Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience, 90 + A-a-a-in't they Thick? 96 + A desperate Race, 101 + Dodging the Responsibility, 107 + A Night Adventure in Prairie Land, 108 + Roosting Out, 114 + Rather Twangy, 119 + Passing around the Fodder, 120 + A Hint to Soyer, 123 + The Leg of Mutton, 124 + A Chapter on Misers, 129 + Dog Day, 133 + Amateur Gardening, 138 + The two Johns at the Tremont, 139 + The Yankee in a Boarding School, 144 + A dreadful State of Excitement, 149 + Ralph Waldo Emerson, 154 + Humbug, 158 + Hotel keeping, 159 + "According to Gunter," 164 + Quartering upon Friends, 165 + Jake Hinkle's Failings, 174 + What's going to Happen, 176 + The Washerwoman's Windfall, 177 + We don't Wonder at it, 181 + Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon, 182 + Getting into the "Right Pew," 187 + A circuitous Route, 192 + Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga, 193 + Old Jack Ringbolt, 198 + Who killed Capt. Walker? 199 + Practical Philosophy, 203 + Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl, 204 + Legal Advice, 209 + Wonders of the Day, 213 + "Don't know you, Sir!" 214 + A circumlocutory Egg Pedler, 219 + Jolly old Times, 223 + The Pigeon Express Man, 224 + Jipson's great Dinner Party, 229 + Look out for them Lobsters, 236 + The Fitzfaddles at Hull, 241 + Putting me on a Platform! 247 + The exorbitancy of Meanness, 251 + "Taking down" a Sheriff, 252 + Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire, 257 + Sure Cure, 261 + Chasing a fugitive Subscriber, 262 + Ambition, 266 + Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer, 267 + Penalty of kissing your own Wife, 272 + Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping, 274 + Miseries of a Dandy, 279 + A juvenile Joe Miller, 284 + "Selling" a Landlord, 285 + Scientific Labor, 288 + Who was that poor Woman? 289 + Infirmities of Nature, 293 + Andrew Jackson and his Mother, 294 + Snaking out Sturgeons, 299 + Mixing Meanings--Mangling English, 301 + Waking up the wrong Passenger, 302 + Genius for Business, 306 + Have you got any old Boots? 307 + The Vagaries of Nature, 312 + A general disquisition on "Hinges," 317 + Miseries of Bachelorhood, 321 + The Science of Diddling, 322 + The re-union; Thanksgiving Story, 324 + Cabbage _vs._ Men, 330 + Wanted--A young Man from the Country, 331 + Presence of Mind, 336 + The Skipper's Schooner, 337 + Philosophy of the Times, 340 + The Emperor and the Poor Author, 341 + The bigger fool, the better Luck, 352 + An active Settlement, 356 + A Yankee in a Pork-house, 357 + German Caution, 361 + Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell, 362 + The Perils of Wealth, 367 + Nursing a Legacy, 372 + The Troubles of a Mover, 377 + The Question Settled, 382 + How it's done at the Astor House, 383 + The Advertisement, 387 + Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life, 400 + A Distinction with a Difference, 408 + Pills and Persimmons, 409 + Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor, 414 + The Tribulations of Incivility, 415 + The Broomstick Marriage, 420 + Appearances are Deceitful, 427 + Cigar Smoke, 431 + An everlasting tall Duel, 432 + + * * * * * + + THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE. + + * * * * * + + + + +If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning! + + +A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's +Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very +sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and +smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began +to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it up +and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan, who, casting his eye +over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered +that--which in no wise alarmed him, however--he was in for a matter of a +cool C! + +"Ah! yes, I see; _well_, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no +doubt about it," says Don Cæsar. + +"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,--"we seldom present a +bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the +bills are unusually large, sir--" + +"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"--says the Don--"bless your soul, you +don't call _that_ large? Why, sir, a--a--that is, when I was in +Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends +of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you +suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?" + +"I can't possibly say, sir--must have counted up very _heavy_, sir, I +think," responds the clerk. + +"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were _heavy_, my dear +fellow--_five and eight hundred dollars a week!_" says the Don, with a +nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of the +realm. + +"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and +entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir," the clerk +replies. + +"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see," and here +the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced at +the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51--a--a--something--all right, I +presume; if it ain't right, _we'll make it all right in the morning_." + +"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, about to bow +himself out of the room. + +"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is +really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with me--he is a--a +gentleman who imports a--a great deal of wine; he a--a--pronounces your +Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night, +here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and +'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article, and +a--a I wish them to have a--a good opinion of your house. Understand?" + +"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk. + +"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" says +the Don Cæsar, as the official vanished. + +"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" asks the host of +the clerk, as they met at "the office." + +"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the +morning, sir," replies the clerk. + +"Very well," says the anxious host; "_see that he does it_." + +That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Cæsar--a servant carried up +the card--Captain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U. +S. N., next called--"walk up." Dr. Brown called--"walk up." Col. Green, +his card--"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight distinguished +persons were walked up to Don Cæsar's private parlor; and pretty soon +the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping, glasses were +clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don +Cæsar was putting his friends through in the most approved style! + +Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a +salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green +and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the "last session," what _their_ +friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and what Bill +Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French Minister's +daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant Smith in regard +to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say +for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the corks +"popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the laugh +jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars filled +the room. + +Don Cæsar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked, +he assured the servants--"All right; if it ain't all right, _we'll make +it all right in the morning!_" + +And so Don Cæsar and his _bon vivant_ friends went it, until some two +dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole +entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and +rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing +outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Cæsar, to politely request +that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment. + +"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my ears, +and can't hear whispers." + +"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies the servant, +in a sharp key. + +"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins--hic--what does he--hic--does he want? +Tell--hic--tell him it's--hic--all right, or we'll make it all +right--hic--_in the morning_." + +Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up +to Don Cæsar, assured him that himself and friends were _a little too +merry_, but Don Cæsar assured Tompkins-- + +"It's all--hic--right, mi boy, all--hic--right; these +gentlemen--hic--are all _gentlemen_, my--hic--personal friends--hic--and +it's all right--hic--all perfectly--hic--right, or we'll make it all +right in the morning." + +"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but there are many +persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for the +credit of the house." + +"O--hic--certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll--hic--I'll speak to the +gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very +solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep; +"Gentlemen--hic--_gentle_men, I'm requested to state--hic--that--hic--a +very _serious_ piece of intelligence--hic--has met my ear. This +_gentle_man--hic--says somebody's dead in the next--hic--room." + +"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk. + +"Beg--hic--your pardon, sir--hic--it's all right; if it ain't all right, +I'll make it--hic--_all right in the morning!_ Gentlemen, let's--hic--us +all adjourn; let's change the see--hic--scene, call a +coach--hic--somebody, let's take a ride--hic--and return and go +to--hic--our pious--hic--rest." + +Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Cæsar arose on his +pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all +around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got +largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to +the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a +midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land +cruise. The last words uttered by Don Cæsar, there, as the coach drove +off, were: + +"All right--hic--mi boy, if it ain't, _we'll make it all right in the +morning!_" + +"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't stick you into a +bill of costs '_in the morning_,' rot me. You'll have a nice time," he +continued, "out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in +the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, _and I'd +lose my bill!_" + +Don Cæsar did not return to make good his promise _in the morning_, and +so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited +for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo! +and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few +samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:--"All right, +if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!" + + + + +Don't you believe in 'em? + + +We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then +you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers. +Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on +for an hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" and if +you are any longer skeptical upon the _spirit_-ual manifestations as +exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and thickness of the tongue +of the _mediums_,--education would be thrown away on you. + + + + +The Old Black Bull + + +It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel now and then, +from the kitchen to the parlor, in church and state. Even the fathers of +the holy tabernacle are not proof against this little weakness; for +people will have passions, people will belong to meetin', and people +will let their passions _rise_, even under the pulpit. But we have no +distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, but properly +interpreted _letter_, to settle a chuckly "plug muss," so efficiently +and happily as the case we have in point. + +Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President _Chauncey_) was +a minister of the gospel, and one of the best _edicated_ men of his day +in the wooden nutmeg State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan +Trumbull was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the first +_settled_ minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, Connecticut. +It was with him, as afterwards with good old brother Jonathan (Governor +Trumbull, the bosom friend of General Washington), good to confer on +almost any matter, scientific, political, or religious--any subject, in +short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned was the +issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, and _good_ counselor, he +was "looked up to," and abided by. + +It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's vicinity got to +loggerheads, and were upon the apex of raising "the evil one" instead of +a spire to their church, as they proposed and _split_ upon. The very +nearest they could come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to +appoint a _committee_ of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state their +_case_, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the old gentleman, and +he listened with grave attention to their conflicting grievances. + +"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this is a very simple +case--a very trifling thing to cause you so much vexation." + +"So I say," says one of the _committee_. + +"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another. + +"No case at all," responded the third. + +"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker. + +"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third. + +"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed number two, "to +expect to raise the minister's salary and that new steeple, too, out of +our small congregation." + +"There is no danger of raising much out of _you_, anyhow, Mr. Johnson," +spitefully returned number one. + +"Gentlemen, if you please--" beseechingly interposed the sage. + +"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one. + +"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson. + +"Not me, anyway," number three replies. + +"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one. + +"Gentlemen!--gentlemen!--" + +"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson--" + +"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old Winkles, too, and +here's Deacon Potter, also." + +"I _am_ here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry the Reverend +Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!" + +"Now, gentlemen, _brothers_, if you please," said Mr. Bulkley, "this is +ridiculous,--" + +"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles. + +"As far as _you_ are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon. + +This brought Mr. Winkles _up_, standing. + +"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!" + +"But my dear _sirs_--" beseechingly said the philosopher. + +"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man--too good a +Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, despicable _toad_, like +Deacon Potter--" + +"Do you call me--_me_ a despicable _toad_?" menacingly cried the deacon. + +"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you in your +difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering." + +"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson. + +"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when a man calls me a +toad, a mean, despicable _toad_--" + +"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are all too excited +now; go home again, and wait patiently; on Saturday evening next, I will +have prepared and sent to you a written opinion of your case, with a +full and free avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church +from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the committee left, to +await his issue. + +Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some distance from the +town of Colchester, and found it necessary, the same day he wrote his +opinion and advice to the brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a +line to his farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having written +a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his brethren, he wound up +the day's literary exertions with a despatch to the farmer, and after a +reverie to himself, he directs the two documents, and next morning +despatches them to their several destinations. + +On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the belligerent +churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and punctually, as promised, +came the despatch from the Plato of the time and place,--Rev. John +Bulkley. All was quiet and respectful attention. The moderator took up +the document, broke the seal, opened and--a pause ensued, while dubious +amazement seemed to spread over the features of the worthy president of +the meeting. + +"Well, brother Temple, how is it--what does Mr. Bulkley say?" and +another pause followed. + +"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice. + +The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off his spectacles, +wiped the glasses, then his lips--replaced his specs upon his nose, and +with a very broad _grin_, said: + +"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, to say the +least of it!" + +"Well, read it--read it," responded the wondering hearers. + +"I will," and the moderator began: + +"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be built high and +strong, and you will take special care _of the old Black Bull_." + +There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread the community; +the moderator dropped the paper to a "rest," and gazing over the top of +his glasses for several minutes, nobody saying a word. + +"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length. + +"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter. + +"Take special care _of the old Black Bull!_" growled half the meeting. + +Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor in mute +mystery. + +A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing his voice +with a hem, he spoke: + +"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent words of our learned +adviser. To me nothing could be more appropriate to our case. It is just +such a profound and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and +looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. The direction +to repair the fences, is to take heed in the admission and government of +our members; we must guard the church by our Master's laws, and keep out +stray and vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a +trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, who is the +devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures and sought to +desolate and lay waste the fair grounds of our church!" + +The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw and _took_ the +force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and unanimously resolved to be +governed by it; hence the old black bull was put _hors du combat_, and +the church preserved its union! + + + + +Dobbs makes "a Pint." + + +Dobbs walked into a _Dry Goodery_, on Court street, and began to look +around. A double _jinted_ clerk immediately appeared to Dobbs. + +"What can I _do_ for you, sir?" says he. + +"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't." + +"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I _can_." + +"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs. + +"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute _nod_. + +"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple of dollars' wuth +of yur stuffs!" + +"_Lost_, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence." + +"Thank you; call again when I want to _trade!_" says Dobbs. + +"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," says the clerk, +"no how." + +Polite young man that--as soon as his chin vegetates, provided his +dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the gals, Dobbs thinks! + + + + +Used Up. + + +I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the +world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and +easy--kind, generous--good-natured disposition, and keep it up, until +they greet their fortieth year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men--I +hope there are, who _would_ be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted, +if they _could_, with any degree of consistency; and I know there are +multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or manly trait, of any +human description, if they could. That class thrive best, it appears to +me--if the accumulation of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or +Scriptural interpretation of that sense--in this sublunary world. +Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty lose, hence the +more thrift to the former, and the less gain, pecuniarily considered, to +the latter. The subject is very prolific, and as my present purpose is +as much to point a humorous _sketch_ as to adorn a _moral_, I needs must +cut speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend John +Jenks, an emphatic--"used up" good fellow. + +Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of himself and the +rest of mankind. No man ever started with a larger capital of good +nature, human benevolence, and common honesty, than honest John. Few men +ever started with better general prospects, for "a good time," and +plenty of it, than Jenks. He _graduated_ with honor to himself and the +Institute of his native State, and with but little knowledge beyond the +college library and the social circles of his immediate friends. At +twenty-three, John Jenks went into business on his own hook. + +Of course John soon formed various and many business acquaintances; he +learned that men were brothers--should love, honor, and respect one +another, from precepts set him at his father's fireside. He formed the +opinion, that this brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of +business, for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned +his _autograph_ and purse to his business acquaintances; but, being +backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt the necessity of +claiming like accommodation, or he would have gotten his eye teeth cut +cheaper and sooner. + +"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting room one +September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, have _stopped_--gone to +smash!" + +"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks. + +"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by them," replied the +informant. "By the way, Barclay says you have some of their _paper_ on +hand; is it true?" continued the man. + +"I have some, not much," answered Jenks--"not enough at all events to +create any alarm as to their willingness or ability to take it up." + +But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably larger +amount of Perkins & Ball's _paper_ on hand, than an experienced business +man might have contemplated with entire Christian resignation. The +gazette, in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the _smash_ of +the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz "on 'change;" those +losers by the _smash_ were bitter in their denunciatory remarks, while +those gaining by the transaction snickered in their sleeves and kept +mum. Jenks heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm +were _smashed_ by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, they were +getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and private vituperation, +without his aid. Though far from his thoughts of entering into such +"lists," and inclined to hold on and see how things come out--Jenks, +for the credit of common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by +discounting, &c.--he was likely to be _in_ for, if P. & B. were really +"done gone." This resolve, like some _rules_, worked both ways. + +As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave his commercial +institution, after the above occurrences had had some ten days' _grace_; +one evening, the senior partner of the house of Perkins & Ball came in. +Greetings were cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's +discourse took place between the merchants; which, in brief +transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks received a +two-third indemnification on all _his_ liabilities _for_ the _smashed_ +house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured him, arose from the +fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly forbearance in not joining the clamor +against them, in the adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had +reason to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. Jenks +"hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or even doubtful side of +humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or Christian kindness; they shook hands +and parted; the senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and +Jenks agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the honor +of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now almost extinguished +credit. Those who fought the bankrupt merchants most got the least, and +because Jenks preserved an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that +he was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were staggered +at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good nature. This latter +result seemed the most popular and accepted notion of Jenks' character, +and proved the ground-work of his pecuniary destruction. + +The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, on all occasions, +spoken in the most favorable terms of the firm; he not only freely +endorsed again for them, but stood their _referee_ generally. In the +meantime, Jenks' celebrity for good nature and open-heartedness had +drawn around him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became a +circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. If Brown was +short in his cash account, five hundred or a thousand dollars---- + +"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask him to favor me +with a check until the middle of the week." It was done. + +"Terms--thirty days with good endorsed paper," was sufficient for the +adventurous Smith to _buy_ and depend on Jenks' _autograph_ to _secure_ +the goods. When in funds, Bingle went where he chose; when a little +_short_, Jenks had his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts +of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects of them +began to revolve upon him--if not mortified or ashamed of his +"bargains," he at least was astounded at the results. Brown, whose due +bills or memorandums Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand +dollars, accommodation _loans_, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's +day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly learned that +Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of deferred bankruptcy, when +the first rumor reached him that Smith had _bolted_, after a heavy +transaction in "woolens"--Jenks his principal endorser--Smith not +leaving assets or assigns to the amount of one red farthing. + +"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously seated himself in his +back counting room--"that's shabby in Smith--very shabby." + +The next morning's Gazette informed the community that Bingle had +failed--liabilities over $200,000--prospects barely giving hopes of ten +per cent, all around; and even this hope, upon Jenks' investigation, +proved a forlorn one; by a _modus operandi_ peculiar to the heartless, +self-devoted, _they_ got all, Jenks and the _few_ of his ilk, got +nothing! + +For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily moody. For the +first time, in the course of his mercantile career, of some six years, +the force of reflection convinced him, that he had not acted his part +judiciously, however "well done" it might be, in point of honor and +manliness. + +The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts in general with +the business world. He found things a great deal "mixed up;" his +balance-sheet exhibited large surplusages accumulated on the score of +his leniency and good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held +business relations. A council of war, or expediency, rather,--_solus_, +convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his business qualifications, or +formed a very vague idea of the soul--manners and customs of the +business world; and he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser +man. + +"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very disagreeable +thing, very disagreeable thing: _make an assignment!_" + +"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" that individual +muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his hotel. And ere he reached +his plate, at the tea-table, a servant whispered that a gentleman with a +message was out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks. + +"Mr. Jenks--John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the person, as poor +Jenks, now on the _tapis_ for more ill news, approached the person in +waiting. + +"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded. + +"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable business with you, +Mr. Jenks; _I hold your arrest!_" + +"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?" + +"There's the writ, sir; you can read it." + +"A _writ_? Why, God bless you, man, I don't _owe_ a dollar in the world, +but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!" + +"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's _felony!_" + +If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the effect upon his +nervous system could not have been more startling or powerful. But he +recovered his self-possession, and learned with dismay, that he was +arrested--yes, _arrested_ as an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and +general villany, on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by those +most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced Smith "good," +and endorsed for him in sums total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual +ability to make good! + +It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever dreamed of +doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all liabilities of his own +and others, for whom he kindly become responsible; for when the _bulk_ +of Smith's _paper_ with Jenks' endorsement was thrust at him, he gave +in; saw clearly that he was the victim of a heartless _forger_. + +But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, and he +rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting the bright future +of to-morrow, when his established character, and "troops of friends" +should set all right. But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his +host; to-morrow came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their +far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, they +deserted it! + +"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very _deep_ man," said +one. + +"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another. + +"I told him he was _green_ to endorse as freely as he did," echoed a +third. + +"Good fellow," chimed a fourth--"but devilish imprudent." + +"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and so the good +but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his "troops of friends!" + +But Perkins & Ball--they had got up again, were flourishing; they, Jenks +felt satisfied, would not show the "white feather," and the thought came +to him, in his prison, as _merrily_ as the reverse of that fond hope +made him _sad_ and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney +informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing situation, +but proffered him no aid or comfort. They said, sad experience had shown +them, that there were no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the +fallen; men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to +defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; _they_ had done so; Mr. +Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes with a stout heart +and a clear conscience, and profit, as they had, _by reverses!_ + +"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "_profit_ by reverses as _they_ +have!" + +"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you know that if I had +been a tithe part as base and conscienceless as they are _now_, Perkins +& Ball would be beggars, if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my +casting vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I had +hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, generous and +just, friends enough for all practical purposes, without carrying my +business difficulties to the fireside of my parents and other relations. +But that I must do now; if, _if they fail me, then---- I cave!_" + +Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the merchant, "honest +John" learned, with sorrow, that his father was dead; estate involved, +and his friends at home in no favorable mood in reference to what they +heard of John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city. + +John Jenks--heard no more--he "caved!" as he agreed to. + +We pass over Jenks' _Smithsonian_ difficulty, which a prudent lawyer and +discerning jury brought out all right. + +We come to 1850--some fifteen or eighteen years after John Jenks +"caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been ruined by his good nature, set +adrift moneyless, in a manner, with even a spotted reputation to begin +with; he "profited by his reverses," he was now a man of family--fifty, +fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish man you +ever saw! + +Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely--"_used up!_" The reader +may affix the _moral_ of my sketch--at leisure. + + + + +The Greatest Moral Engine. + + +Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and +powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law, +logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he +_has_ a chance to be honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good +situation and two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he +gets lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he is sure to +cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, become a +_roue_, or a rotten politician. A poor man, in misery, applies to God +for consolation, while a rich man applies to his banker, and tries on a +"bender," or goes on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and +French license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a +thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing moral +rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And how faithful, too, is +poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it sticks to a man after all his +friends and the rest of mankind have deserted him! + + + + +The Story of Capt. Paul. + + +I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten +happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense tracts of +land of the West and South. I have, during that time, garnered up +endless themes for my pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep +a "log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I always +noted the occurrences that transpired with me or others, when of +interest, and opportunities were favorable to do so. + +Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a small village on +the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to touch there and take me up to +Louisville, Ky. It was in the fall of the year, water was very low, and +but few boats running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and +ammunition and started down along the river to amuse myself, and kill +time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after strolling along until noon, +I got tired and came out to the river to see if any boats were in sight, +as well as take shelter from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I +sought an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage made my +shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I sat down, bending my +eyes along the placid, quiet and noble river, until I was quite lost in +silent reverie. The rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep +approaching from the woods behind, and at the same moment a rough, curly +dog came smelling along towards me. The dog came up to within a few rods +of me and stopped, took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But +my further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a tall, +gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western woodsman, jean +trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt hat, rifle, powder horn, +bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He was an old man, face sallow and +wrinkled, and hair quite a steelish hue. + +"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?" + +I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my shelter. Having +taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk of a small tree, the old man, +half to himself and partly to me, sighed-- + +"Ah! yes, yes, _our_ day is fast gwoin over; an entire new set of folks +will soon people this country, and the old settler will be all gone, and +no more thought of." + +"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you are an old +settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes here in the Ohio +Valley?" + +"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I have seen wonderful +changes since I first squatted 'yer, thirty-five years ago. Every thing +changes about one so, that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer +they've brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off +the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar towns and thar +store houses, and thar nice farm houses, and keep up sich a clatter and +noise among 'em all, that one fond of our old quiet times in the woods, +goes nigh bein' distracted with these new matters and folks." + +"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have to do as the +Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, when the advancing axe of +civilization, and the mighty steam and steel arms of enterprise and +improvement make the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and +clamorous with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and wealth, you +must _fall back_. Our territories are boundless, and there are yet +dense forests, woods, and wilds, where the Indian, lone hunter, and +solitary beast, shall rove amid the wild grandeur of God's infinite +space for a century yet to come." + +"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up stakes and rolled +before this sweeping tide of new settlers, only I can't bar to leave +this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't bar to do it." + +"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for old homes, a +lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final resting place, near a +spot and objects that life and familiarity made dear." + +"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down thar--thar's +what makes this spot dear to me--thar, do you see yon little +hillock--yon little mound? Thar's what keeps old Tom Ward 'yer for +life." + +The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, as he wiped the +moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. I gazed down towards +the spot he had called my attention to, and there I beheld, indeed, +something resembling a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed +around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small stake at the +foot. + +"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question, and the Lord +knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell the sad story of that lonely +grave. Well, well, it's no use to grieve always, the red whelps have +paid well for thar doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to +repent--the Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily +echoed--"Amen!" + +"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago, I left +Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio valley. I well remember +the first glimpse I got of this stream; it war a big stream to me, and I +gloried in the sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its +banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats about; +but I like the steamboats--thar grand creatures, and go it like +high-mettled horses. Well, I war a young man then; me and my brother and +our old mother joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in +our goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower part thar +of Kentucky. + +"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman, though he war a young +man; he had a wife and several fine, growin' children along with us, and +our journey for many days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's +wife's sister war along with us, a fine young creature she war too. My +brother and her I always carc'lated would make a match of it when we +reached our journey's end; but poor Ben, God bless the boy, he little +dreampt he'd be cut off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his +bones 'yer to rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should +ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me now, +stranger." + +"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I, encouraging the +old man to proceed in his narrative, "and no doubt shoot as well and see +as keenly and far as ever?" + +"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my hand begins to +tremble sometimes, and I'm failing--yes, yes, I know I'm failing. But, +to go on with my story: I acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were +yet pretty full of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the +river in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally fighting. I +won't say which war to blame; the whites killed the creatures off fast +enough, and the Ingins took plenty of scalps and war cruel to the white +man whenever they fastened on him. + +"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose boards served as +a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few planks spiked to the sides +'bove water, kept the swells from rollin' in on us. Two black boys +helped the captain and I to manage the boat, and an old black woman +waited on the wimin folks and did the cooking. + +"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the narrator, pointing +his long, bony finger towards a great bend, and a point on the Kentucky +side of the stream. + +"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly." + +"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a pleasant day, +that we came drifting along with our flat-boat, or _broad horn_, as they +were called in them days, when Captain Paul said he thought it would be +a snug place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big trees yet +standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben and I concluded too, it +would be a clever place to camp for the night; so we headed the boat +in--for, you see, we always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as +possible, to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty heap of +depredations upon the movers and river traders, by decoyin' the boat on +shore, or layin' in ambush and firin' their rifles at the incautious +folks in the boats that got too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black +boys, rowed enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the Ingins, +as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just thar; mother war gettin' +out the supper things, and Captain Paul's wife and sister were nestling +away the children. Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the +shore thar, I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot-- + +"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain. + +"'Hold on your oars,' says I--'boys, I don't like that--it 'tain't a +deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I. + +"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank--another slight +noise--the bushes moved, and I sung out--'Ingins, by the Lord! back the +boat, back, boys, back!' + +"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but before we could +get way on the boat, a band of the bloody devils rushed out and gave us +a volley of shouts and shower of balls, that made these hills and river +banks echo again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into the +bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children were killed, his wife +wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap off my head. + +"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach of the Ingins. +They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin' war party; they could not +reach us. The wounded horses and cows kicked and plunged among the +goods, the wimin and children screamed. + +"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember to my dyin' +day, as it war only yesterday I saw and heard it. It war now dark, the +boat half filled with water, my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless +hangin' over his wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still +clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this side of the +river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and frightened senses allowed +'em. + +"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his head in her lap; she +opened his bosom and the blood flowed out. He still breathed faintly-- + +"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?' + +"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have him drink a cup of +water from the river, but he war past nourishment--and she asked him if +he knew he war dyin'? + +"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God in heaven be merciful +to me, thus cut from you and life, mother--' + +"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face of her darlin' +boy fell upon her hand--he was gone. + +"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for fear the Ingins might +be prowlin' about on this side; yes, under this very tree, did we 'camp +that gloomy night. The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer, +fearin' even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two blacks, and +we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and the two children by his +side. It war an awful thing--awful to us all; and our sighs and sobs, +mingled with the prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm +sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted. I lay +down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's wife and sister, cries of the +two survivin' children, and moans of us all, made sleep a difficult +affair. By peep of day I went down to the grave, and thar sat the old +mother. She had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had been +too much for her. + +"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged, and received two +more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul, and our kind, good old mother. +Thirty-five years have now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a +day at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles of it. +No, here must I rest too." + +The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain from taking up +the thread of his narrative to inquire what had become of Captain Paul +and his wife's sister. + +"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her to love her +sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't help lovin' her too, for +that. The captain settled down here, about two miles back, and in a few +years the sister-in-law and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old +wife she is too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll +die, and be put thar--thar, to rest in that little mound with the rest. +But I must bide my time, stranger--we must all bide our time. Now, +stranger, I've told you my sad story, I must ax a favor. Seeing as you +are a town-bred person, perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by +that grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing to pray, +though we woods people know but little about it." + +I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation of the term, +but considering we all are God's ministers that study God's will and our +own duty to man, I could pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with +an exalted feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek +it. + +A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply impressed with +this little story. + + + + +Hereditary Complaints. + + +Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a +cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in +Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey +merchant, and says she-- + +"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?" + +"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant. + +"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey--it's stale enough, too, +I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd yees ax for 'un?" + +"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got, I'll let you +have it for _two and six_." + +"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur it, and be dad not +another cint." + +"Well," says the _satisfied_ poultry merchant, "take it along; I won't +dicker for a cent or two." + +Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and went on her way +quite elated with the brilliancy of her talents in financiering! There's +one merit in meanness, if it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to +carry a pleasing sensation to the bosom of the gamester. + + + + +Nights with the Caucusers. + + +Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day +business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to +keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics +to give zest to a life already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as +those in the "sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a +solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the way to a +very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are of no peculiar class +or condition of citizens; the success of a champion depends not so much +upon the matter, as upon the manner, not upon the capital he may have in +real estate, bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental +principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable amplitude +of--brass and bravado! If any man doubts the fact, let him look around +him, and calculate the matter. Why is it that _lawyers_ are so +particularly felicitous in running for, securing, and usurping most of +all the important or profitable offices under government? Lungs--gutta +percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. A man might as well try +to bail out the Mississippi with a tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a +fence-rail, as to hope for a seat in Congress, merely upon the +possession of patriotic principles, or double-concentrated and refined +integrity. Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, his +chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance to that of Rufus +Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer attached to the Philadelphia +bar that would not beat the old gentleman out of his top boots in +running for the Senate! But we'll _cut_ "wise saws" for a modern +instance; let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses, +Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, and see things "workin'." +It is night, a ward meeting of the unterrified, meat-axe, +non-intervention--hats off--hit him again--butt-enders, have called a +meeting to _caucus_ for the coming fall contest. "Owing to the +inclemency of the weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of +some eight hundred of the _unterrified, non-intervention--Cuban +annexation--Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats off--hit him +again--butt-enders_--only eighty attend the call. Of these eighty +faithful, some forty odd are on the wing for office; one at least wants +to work his way up to the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten +to the "Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to the +custom house. + +Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the anxious multitude +are seen here and there about the corners of the adjacent neighborhood +and in the recesses of the caucus chamber, their heads +together--caucusing on a small scale. + +"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for the _Senate_, in +our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest _unterrified_, of a brother in +the same cause. + +"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?" + +"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins is a pooty +good sort of a man, but he ain't known; made himself rather unpop'ler by +votin' agin that _grand junction railroad to the north pole_ bill, afore +the Legislature, three years ago; besides he's served two years in the +Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks of going to +California or somewhere else, next spring--so I-a, I-a--don't think much +of Jenkins, anyhow!" + +"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; what do you think of +him? He's a sound _unterrified_, good man." + +"A--ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, but I don't think +its good policy to run doctors for office. If they are defeated it sours +their minds equal to cream of tartar; it spiles their practice, and +'tween you and I, Flambang, if they takes a spite at a man that didn't +vote for 'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is _for +'em to poison us!_" + +"Good gracious!--you don't say so?" + +"I _don't_ say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. I only supposed +a case," replied the wily _caucuser_. + +"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under them circumstances. +I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's +one of our best speakers--" + +"_Gas!_" pointedly responded Twist. + +"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run for Congress; you +were the first man to nominate him, too!" + +"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed and blowed; that +was no reason for my thinking him the best man we had for the office. +He's a demagogue, an ambitious, sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer +up; but, he was in our way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the +nomination, and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out of the +way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less pretendin' men +could get a chance, don't you see? Now, Flambang, you're the man I'm +goin' in for to-night!" + +"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!" + +"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, you'll be +nominated--I'll not be known in it--you'll get the nomination--called +out for a speech--so be on the trigger--give 'em a rouser, and you're +in!" + +Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor of a small +shop, in which, by the force of prudence and economy, he has laid up +something, has a voice among his fellow-citizens and some influence, but +would as soon attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder +magazine, or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as to run for +the Legislature _and make a speech in public!_ Twist knows it; he +guesses shrewdly at the effect. + +"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts to get his +breath. + +"Me? Well, if you don't want to _run_." + +"_Run?_ I would as soon think of jumping over the moon, as running for +office!" answers Flambang. "But I thank you, thank _you_ kindly, for +your good intentions, for _your_ confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good +I can do for you, I'll do, and--" + +Twist having secured the first step to his _plot_, enters the caucus +chamber in deep and earnest consultation with Flambang, and while +preparations are being made to "histe the rag," he is seen making +converts to his sly purposes, upon the same principle by which he +converted his modest friend, Flambang. + +"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another "ambitious for +distinction" _unterrified_ of "a brother." + +"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants to be nominated, +and good many more than will be," was the cogent reply. + +"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But 'tween you and I, +Pepper--I'd like to get the nomination for the Senate myself!" + +"No-o-o?" + +"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?" + +"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?" + +"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what I'll do. You hang +by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for you for the House." + +"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, and while you are +fifing away for me, I'll go around for you, Captain Johns." + +"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" asks another of +"the party," of a confederate. + +"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think he's the right kind of +a man for mayor, any how; do you?" + +"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', and I guess +he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around speaking; but here +he is; let's feel his pulse." After a confab of some minutes between +Flammer, Smithers, and Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual +satisfaction, and something is "dropped" about "go in for me for the +Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc. + +"Don't let on, that I'm _anxious_, at all, you know," says Smithers, to +which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer respond--"O, of course not!" + +Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as much formality, +fuss and fungus as the opening of the House of Parliament; soon is heard +the work of balloting for nominations, and soon it is known that _Twist_ +is _the_ man for the Senate--this calls _Twist_ out; he spreads--feels +overpowered--this unexpected (!) event--attending as a spectator, not +anticipating any thing for himself--proud of the unexpected honor--had +long served as a _private_ in the ranks of the _unterrified_--die in the +front of battle, if his friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist +falls back, mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt. +Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush of honor put +upon him, in connecting his name with the senatorial ticket. He was +proud of being thought capable of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave +his friend Pepper "a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a +speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of Smithers, that +Smithers was nominated--made a speech in favor of Skyblue and Flammer, +upon the force of which both were nominated--the wheel within a wheel +worked elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent upon the +result of the grand caucus--candidates--unanimity--etc., etc., of these +subterranean politicians. So are our great men manufactured for the +public. + + + + +Affecting Cruelty. + + +A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by +saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off the edges of +halves, quarters, and nine-pences, raised the whole neighborhood t'other +evening. He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an +attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor thing squealed +so, that the bells rang, and the South End watchmen hollered fire for +about an hour! This "old gentleman" has a way of _sweating_ the crosses +from a smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that he passes +them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence is "worthy of all +praise;" he recently _gave away_ to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of +cobwebs, and an old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill; +upon these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled the +hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen tallow candles! +If old Smearcase continues to fool away his hard-earned wealth in that +manner, his friends ought to buy an injunction on his _will!_ + + + + +The Wolf Slayer. + + +In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all of Indiana, was a +dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf and naked savage were masters of +the wild woods and fertile plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of +the pioneer's axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost magical +effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages. + +In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered not only from +the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the _wolf_. Many are the tales +of terror told of these ferocious enemies of the white man, and his +civilization. Many was the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon, +whose bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark forest, +have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path or Indian trail of +the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father was contractor for the +north-western army, under command of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He +supplied the army with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley +and Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located at +Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on the Sciota river, +and protected by a block house or rude fort, in which the inhabitants +could scramble if the Indians made their appearance. My father resided +here, and having collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the +valley with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect the drove +against the prowling minions of Tecumseh. + +The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm weather, there +arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the huge trees, by the violence of +the wind and sharp lightning, were uprooted and rent into thousands of +particles, and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I +have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of these tornadoes +has taken its way, or I should be incredulous to suppose whole acres of +trees, hundreds of years old, could be torn up, or snapped off like +reeds upon the river side. + +The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night grew darker, +until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled and dispersed. My +father crawled under the lee of a large sycamore that had fell, and +here, partly protected from the rain and falling timber, he lay down. I +have camped out some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old +gentleman's situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to sleep +mounted upon such guard. + +At length the work of destruction and ruin being done, the storm abated, +the rain ceased to _pour_ and the winds to wag their noisy tongues so +furiously. A wolf _howl_, and of all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by +beasts of prey, none can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the +ear than the _wolf_ howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke +fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath the sycamore. +It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and _then_ the more dreadful. +The drover carried a good Yeager rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man +laden with arms in the midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as +helpless as the tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's +storm. The _howl_ had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before it was +answered by dozens on every side! And as the drover's keen eye pierced +the gloom around him, the dancing, fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met +his wistful gaze. + +The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting beast, and as the +glaring eyes came nearer and nearer, the drover hugged his Yeager +tightly, and prepared to defend life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the +sharp crack of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of +terror burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a troop of +wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream after scream rent the +air, and the drover knew that a companion had fell a victim to the wolf +in his attempt at self-defence. The night was a long one, and thus, +among the savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle +again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the hunting iron +speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair of eyes glared hurriedly upon +the drover, and he could not resist the desire to use his Yeager, and +the wolf taking the contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over, +while a score rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have +been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay crouched under +the old tree, surrounded by this horde of glaring eyes, his ears split +with their awful _howl_, and their hot and venomous breath fairly in his +face! But the wolf is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye, +and so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and unquivering +eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack, but by rushing up to his +very front. The red tongue lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the +demon eyes glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf +stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still smote upon the +air and the loud howl still went up over the forest around. The first +faint streaks that deck the sky at morn, the fresh breath of coming day +caught the keen scent of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk +off. The drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his +pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl soon died +off in the distance. + +Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his lair. His loud +_whoop!_ to the disbanded men and drove was answered by the neigh of a +horse, who came galloping up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who +seemed happy indeed to meet his master. Another _whoop-e_ brought a +responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve, with seven +horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered. The forest was strewn +with torn carcasses of cattle and horses, mostly killed by the falling +timber, and partly devoured by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards +from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments of +clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body of one of the +soldiers. He had fought with the desperation of a mad man, and the dead +and crippled wolves lay as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow +near the river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several +cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn to death by the +rapacious beasts. They started out in search of the spot from whence the +drover had heard the firing in the night. They soon discovered the +place; at the foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high +lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf had his scalp +neatly taken off, and his head elaborately bored by the rifle ball. An +Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby saplin', trimmed with footholds left +on it, was laying against the old tree, at the top of which was a sort +of a rude scaffold, contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in +a hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones, but no +sign of a human being could there be traced. The party made a fire, and +as beef lay plenty around, they regaled themselves heartily, after their +night of horror and disaster. Having finished their repast, they +separated, each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of +the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have designated as +the drover, pursued his way over the vast piles of fallen, tangled +timber, leaping from one tree to the other. As he was about to throw +himself over the trunk of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself +within two feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that +ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes to the eye +of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly by surprise, by this +collision, that they seemed to be rooted to the spot without power to +move. I have heard of serpents charming birds, said the drover, but I +never believed in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by +this great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden fiery +eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady gaze from the +wolf's face. + +There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man if he keeps his +eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower and sneak off, and so did +the wolf. But no sooner had she turned her head and with a howl started +off, than a blue pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and +brought her career to a speedy termination. + +_Whoo-ep!_ + +A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western hunter made the +welkin ring again, and as the astonished drover turned towards the +shouter, he beheld a sight that proved quite as formidable as the wolf +he had just slain. + +"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like you. That shot done +my heart good, though I was about to do the old she devil's business for +ye, seeing as you war sort o' close quartered with the varmint." + +"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the speaker, a tall, +gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure, with long grey hair, and a +rude suit of wolf-skin clothing, cap and moccasins. He held in his long +arms a large rifle, a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over +his side. He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored, +and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there. + +"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty chance of bad luck yer +last night, and I never saw them cursed varmints so crazy afore." + +"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover. + +"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer, I live anywhar's +whar wolf can be found. But you don't know me, I reckon, stranger?" + +"I do not," said the drover. + +"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought thar warn't a man +this side the blue ridge but what knows me and old _kit_ here, (his +rifle.) Well, seeing you are a stranger, I'll just take that old +sarpent's top-knot off, and have a talk with ye." + +With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins scalped +the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt, motioned the drover to +follow. He led the way in deep silence some half a mile to a small +stream, down which they proceeded for some distance, until they came to +a low and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested the drover +to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin, while he entered through +a small aperture in his hut, and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some +dried meat. These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time +kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that there should +be a white man or _Ingin_ this side the blue ridge that didn't know +_him_. + +"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that you don't +know me, _me_ that kin show more _Ingin_ skelps than any white man that +ever trod these war paths; _me_, who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in +more of the varmints' skelps in one night than any white man or _Ingin_ +that ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old, +forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight from the +settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've lived to be clean ashamed +o' myself." And with this soliloquy, half to himself and partly +addressed to the drover, the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his +imaginary insignificance and dotage. + +"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed me by what +name I may call you--" + +"_Call_ me, stranger? why I _am_"--and here his eyes glared as he threw +himself into a heroic attitude--"Chris Green, _old_ Chris Green, the +_wolf slayer!_ But, God bless ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other +side the ridge, and don't know old Chris's history." + +"That I frankly admit," replied the drover. + +"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I do, though I +live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the varmints' skins, go but +seldom to the settlements, and live on what old kit thar provides me. + +"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one, but as yer unlucky +like myself and plenty of business to 'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my +troubles short to ye. + +"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue ridge with a +party of my neighbors to come down yer in the Sciota country, to see it, +and lay plans to drive the cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the +red skins appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and monstrous +civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more dependence to be put in +'em than the cantankerous wolves, and roast 'em, I always sets old kit +talkin' Dutch to them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The +wolf's my nat'ral inimy--I'd walk forty miles to git old kit a wolf +skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and we gin it as our +opinion that the Sciota country was the garden spot o' the world, and if +we could only defend ourselves 'gainst the inimy we should move right +down yer at once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull +settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought it best for us all +to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar a few Ingin huts and cabins +war. I had a wife, and son and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as +dearer to me 'nor life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon +began to show their pranks--they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot down +our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the little settlement. At +last I proposed we should build a clever-sized block house, strong and +stanch, in which our wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard +'em, could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured Paint +hills and the country about, and peppered a few of the cussed red +devils. We had been out some four or five days when we fell in with the +inimy; it war just about sunset, and the red skins war camped in a +hollow close by this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their +smoking and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar our +accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods thirty years, I +never saw such a hurricane as we had yer last night, 'cept once. The +night we lay in ambush for the _Ingins_, six-and-twenty years ago, thar +came up a hurricane, the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my +neighbors lay crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles +along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great walnuts and +sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as straight as ye'd run a +bee line; no timber grow'd upon these bottoms since. Five on us escaped +the hurricane, but before day we fell in with a large party of red +skins, and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and the +only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I made my way to the +settlement. + +"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint creek, and saw the +block house scattered over the bottom, and not a cabin standin' or a +livin' cre'ter to be seen in the settlement of Chillicothe, my heart +left me; I become a woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been +whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and the tears +suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear, he proceeded: + +"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child, nor a woman, +either; my crying spell appeared to ease my heart amazin'ly. I +shouldered old kit here, and down I went to examine things. The +hurricane had scattered every thing; the fire had been at work too, but, +great God! the bloody _wolf_ had been thar, the settlement was kivered +with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any had escaped +the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the _Ingins_ finished 'em, for I never +seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear to stay about the place, I'd no +home, friend, or kindred. I took to the woods, and swore eternal death +to the red skins and my nat'ral inimy, the _wolf!_ I've been true to my +word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented with +Ingin _top-knots!_ Look in, ha! ha! see there! they may well call old +Chris the _Wolf Slayer!_" + +The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old forlorn hunter, +and then visited the _perch_, which was situated close by a "deer lick," +where wolves resorted to fall upon their victims. And from this _perch_ +old _Wolf Slayer_ had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night +previous. The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect such of +the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found; the men came with +another of their companions, and the small drove and men left the scene +of terror and disaster, wishing a God-speed to the _Wolf Slayer_. + + + + +The Man that knew 'em All. + + +If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you +have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing and every +body! + +I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed to a venerable +lady, in reference to _forerunners_, "I see 'em now." Well, talking of +that rare and curious specimen of the human family, the man that knows +every body, I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em." +Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping off place of +Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years ago, I had the pleasure or +pastime of meeting several of the big guns of the nation, on their way +from Washington city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most +generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and feeble; when +all of the large steamers are past getting up so far, and travelling +down the river becomes quite amusing to amateurs, and particularly +tedious and monotonous to business people, bound home. Three hundred +travellers, more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and "United +States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city, or town, waiting for +the river to get up, or some means for them to get down. + +The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some time before, and +as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s, wire pullers, hangers on, +blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc., came over "the National Road" to +Wheeling, to take the river for Southern and Western destinations, of +course the assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous, and +quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men always make +themselves happy and interesting, home or abroad, and particularly so +when travelling. It was a glorious thing for the proprietors of the +hotels, to have such a host of guests, as a house full of company always +is a "host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back, eat, +drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or when opportunity +offers, to---- go. + +They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests, and played games +and tricks, and thus passed the time along. Among the multitude was one +of those ever-talkative and chanting men of the world, who knew all +places and all men--as _he_ would have it. Just after removing the +cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and wits, +settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long table, and were +having a very pleasant time. The man of all talk was there; he was the +very _nucleus_ of all that was being said or done. He was from below, +somewhere, on his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city, +upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the country in +general. + +"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and rosy gentleman, +whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're bound to the capital, eh?" + +"Yes, _sir_," responded the man of all talk. + +"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator, nudging a +friend, and winking at the rest. + +"_What?_ Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! _me_ been _there_ before! +Bless you, me _been_ in Washington city!" + +"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of the caucus folks, +eh? One of them wire pullers we read about, eh?" + +"_Me?_ Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents, (looking killingly +cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up. Ha, ha! me pulling the--ha, +ha! Well, here's to the old Constitution; let's hang by her, while +there's a--a--a button on Jabe's coat." + +And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment. + +"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches." + +"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the toast was wet down, +"you'll please excuse me, in behalf of some of my friends here; as +you've been down in that dratted place, and must know a good deal of the +goings on there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western folks +don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers." + +"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the dignity and +depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a ponderous matter. + +"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures of the +Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any means of satisfying +yourself that there is, or was, a real service of gold in the +President's house?" + +"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another. + +"How many pieces were there?" + +"_What_ were they?" + +"Aye, and what their _heft_ was?" + +"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink--no tales out of school, ha, ha! No, +no--mum's the word." And looking funny and deep, merry and wise, all at +one and the same time, the man of all talk proposed to drink and +keep---- _mum_. + +But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being let out--they +wanted a decided and positive answer, from a man who knew the ropes. + +"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a sort of +melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite over the table, so as to +collect the several heads and ears as close into a phalanx as possible: +"gentlemen, it's a _fact!_" + +"What?" says the party. + +"All gold!" says the victim. + +"A gold service?" inquires the party. + +"_Thirty-eight pieces!_" continued the victim. + +"Solid gold?" chimed the rest. + +"_Just half a ton in heft!_" + +"You don't tell us _that_?" + +"Know it; eat out of 'em, _then weighed 'em all!_" + +"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into stronger exclamations. + +"_Fact, by the great_ ----" + +"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said the mover of +the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm. + +"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty Van; on good +terms with the little Magician," continued the leading wag. + +"_Me?_ me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is a good joke; never +go to Washington without cracking a bottle with the little fox, and +staying over night with him. _Me_ on good terms with Matty? _We've had +many a spree together!_ Yes, _sir!_" and the knowing one winked right +and left. + +"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators, a fine +portly old gent, "you know him, of course?" + +"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know my letters half as +well as I know old Tom." + +"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What sort of a fellow is +Bill?" + +"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen? I wish I had a dime +for every horn, and game of bluff, we've had together." + +"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat, farmer-looking +old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand down there about Washington?" + +"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but, gents, between +you and I, (with another whisper,) there is a good deal of the 'old +fogie' senna and salts about him. But then he's death and the pale hoss +on poker." + +"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they. + +"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my watch last winter, +playing poker, at Willard's?" + +"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't know Duncan +_gambled_?" + +"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink, gents. Gamble? Lord +bless you, it's common as dish-water down there--I've played euchre for +hours with old Tom Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, _right behind the +speaker's chair!_" + +_Then_ they all _drank_, of course, and some of the party liked to have +choked. The company now proposed to adjourn to the smoking room, and +they arose and left the table accordingly. The man of all talk +promenaded out on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the +leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:-- + +"Mr. ----a--a--?" + +"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address, sir," responded +the victim. + +"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton was in town?" +inquired the wag. + +"What, Tom Benton here?" + +"And Allen," continued the wag. + +"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim. + +"And Doctor Duncan." + +"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?" + +"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see them; your friends +will be delighted," says the wag, taking Mister Ferguson by the arm, to +lead him in. + +"Ha, ha! I'm a--a--ha, ha! _won't_ we have a time? But you just step +in--I a--I'll be in in one moment," but in less than half the time, Mr. +Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither! + +The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say, were no others +than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three or four other arbiters of the +fate of our immense and glorious nation, in her councils, and fresh from +the capital. + +Ferguson has not been heard of since. + + + + +A Severe Spell of Sickness. + + +It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it. +What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, would keep +all the children in "a poor neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the +year round. When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he +was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some weeks before +Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end of the year Dr. Borax sent +in his bill; the amount gave Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and +threatened a whole year's profits with strangulation. + +"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired steep, +isn't it?" + +"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case--I never raised a +man from the grave with such difficulty, in all my practice!" + +"But, fifty-three _calls_, doctor, one hundred and six dollars." + +"Exactly--two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor. + +"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &c.--eighty-one +dollars!" + +"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir." + +"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very _well_ for people who +can af-_ford_ it, but I can't; there's your money, doctor, but I'll bet +you won't catch me sick as that again--_soon!_" + + + + +The Race of the Aldermen. + + +In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect +were a sort of _tie_; that is, so many whigs and so many democrats. Such +a thing did not occur often, the democracy usually having the supremacy. +They generally had things pretty much all their own way, and distributed +their favors among their partizans accordingly. The whigs at length +_tied_ them, and the _locos_, beholding with horror and misgivings, the +new order of things which was destined to turn out many a holder of fat +office, many a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose +devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the tenacity with +which he clung to his place, were extremely anxious to devise ways and +means to keep the whigs at bay; and as the day drew near, when the +assembled Board of Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall, +various _dodges_ were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in +questions or decisions touching the distribution of places, and +appointment of men to fill the various stations of the new municipal +government. + +"I have it--I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly alderman of a +democratic ward. "To-night the Board meets--we stand about eight and +eight--this afternoon, let two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman +H---- and Alderman J----, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H---- and J---- +tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our conveyance, come in, +and vote the infernal whigs just where we want them!" + +"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one. + +"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another. + +"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys. + +"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray expenses; we, +you know, of course, must put the whigs _through_, and we must give them +a rouse they won't forget soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket; +coach for four _out_ and two _in_. Ha, ha!--The whigs shall see the +elephant!" + +Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the two victims, the +poor whigs, were carted out under the pretence of a grand aldermanic +feast to Harlem, the scene of many a spree and jollification with the +city fathers, and other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham. + +Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles of "Sham" were +uncorked, and their effervescing contents decanted into the well-fed +bodies of the four aldermen. Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up +the time, until the democrats began to think it was time that one of +them slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the other +to _fuddle_ the two whigs, and detain them until affairs at "the Tea +Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire satisfaction of the +democrats. + +"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will call Brown, +"landlord, have you any conveyance, horses, wagons, carriages or carts, +by which any of my friends could go back to town to-night, if they +wish?" + +"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly--I can send the gentlemen in if +they wish." + +"Very well, sir,--they may get very _tight_ before they desire to +return--they are men of families, respectable citizens, and I do not +wish them, under any circumstances, to leave your house until morning. +Whatever the bill is I will foot, provided you deny them any of your +means to go in to-night. You understand!" + +"Oh! yes, sir--if you request it as a matter of favor, that I shall +keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do so--but hadn't you better +attend to them yourself?" + +"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance to +transact--must be in town this evening. Give the party all they +wish--put that in your fob--(handing the host an X)--post up your bill +in the morning, and I'll be out bright and early to make all square. Do +you hark?" says Brown. + +"Oh, yes, sir--all right," responded the landlord. + +Brown gave his confederate the _cue_, stepped out, promising to "be in +in a minute," and then, getting into a carriage, he drove back to the +city, almost tickled to death with the idea of how nicely the whigs +would be "dished" when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus +_two!_ + +Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the thing up, by +calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning--vulgarly known as +Champagne--and even walked into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply +himself, that a man with half an eye might see Smith would be as blind +as an owl in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do the +thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or too expensive to +preserve the loaves and fishes of his party. All of a sudden, however, +night was drawing on a pace, the whigs began to smell a _mice_. The +absence of Brown, and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith, +in hurrying up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs, that +something was going on dangerous to the whig cause, and that they had +better look out--_and so they did_. + +"Jones," says one of the whigs, _sotto voce_, to the other, "Brown has +cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate to corner us here, prevent +your presence in 'the Tea Room' to-night, and thus defeat your vote." + +"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?" + +"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter, bring in a bottle +of brandy." + +"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you ain't going to dive +right into it, in that way, are you?" + +"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in the world to settle +your nerves after getting half fuddled on Champagne, my boy; just you +try it--take a good stiff horn. Brown, you see, has _cut_, we must +follow; so let's straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the +loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of Cogniac, which +does really make some men sober as judges after they are very drunk on +real or spurious Champagne. + +"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very _tight_ going in +this way, brandy on Champagne; but here goes to the fishes and +loaves--the loaves and fishes, I mean." + +The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does usually; it +did _settle_ Smith--in five minutes he was so very "boozy" that his chin +bore down upon his breast, he became as "limber as a rag," and snored +like a pair of bagpipes. + +"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get us a gig, wagon, +carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off; we must be in town +immediately." + +"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you--haven't a vehicle on the +premises!" + +"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't send us into town +to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy. + +"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow--any thing, so we +can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall. + +"Can't help it, gentlemen." + +"What time do the _cars_ come along?" eagerly inquires Jones. + +"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host. + +"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But this won't do; +come, Jones, no help for it--can't fool us in that way--eight miles to +the City Hall--two hours to do it in; off coat and _let's foot it!_" + + * * * * * + +The City Hall clock had just struck 7 P. M., the Tea Room was lighted up, +the assembled wisdom of the municipal government had their toadies, and +reporters and lookers-on were there; the room was quite full. Brown was +there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted with +glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had "done" Jones and Hall +out of their votes! The business of the evening was climaxing: the whigs +missing two of their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear. +The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was called: seven +"good and true" locos answered the call. Six whigs had answered: the +seventh was being called: the locos were grinning, and twisting their +fingers at the apex of their noses! + +"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller. + +"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room. + +"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll. + +"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out. + +"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus; and in the modern +classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't any thing else." The whigs not only +had the cut but the entire _deal_ in the appointments that time, and +Alderman Brown had a _bill_ at Harlem, a little more serious to foot +than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote. + + + + +Getting Square. + + +It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy +upon the _till_, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks +to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of +the peculations of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of +the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot out, for +your diversion. + +A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised for a +bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!" Among the several +applicants who exhibited themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent, +harmless-looking youth whose general _contour_ at once struck the +tavern-keeper with most favorable impressions. + +"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?" + +"Yes, sir," said he. + +"Have you ever tended bar?" + +"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn." + +"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper. "In fact, +I'm glad you are green at the business, you will suit me the better; the +last fellow I had come to me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers +in New Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy +names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I fancied pretty +soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my small change, so I +discharged him in double quick time." + +"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant. + +"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you can get the 'run' +of things in a few weeks. I will give you twenty-five dollars a month, +first month, and thirty dollars a month for the balance of the year." + +"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth. + +"Do you think it's enough?" + +"O, yes, indeed, sir!" + +"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man, I will pay you, +punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself extra wages!" + +"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth. + +"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!" + +"Run of the till?" + +"No knocking down, sir!" + +"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as good-natured as a +lamb; I never knocked any body down in all my life." + +"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he _is_ green, so I won't teach him +what he don't know. What's your name?" + +"Absalom Hart, sir." + +"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall agree together, +for a long time; so go to work." + +Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom and the landlord got +along slick as a whistle. Another year, two, three, four; never was +there a more attentive, diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a +marble slab, or armed with a toddy stick. He was the _ne plus ultra_ of +bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But one day, somehow or +other, the landlord found himself in custody of the sheriff, bag and +baggage. Business had not fallen off, every thing seemed properly +managed, but, somehow or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in, +and the sheriff sold him out. + +Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart--nobody else. Some of the people +were astonished. + +"Well, who would have thought it?" + +"Hurrah for Absalom!" + +"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks of the outsiders, +when the fact of the sale and purchase became known. The landlord felt +quite humbled, he was out of house and home, but he had a friend, +surely. + +"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes." + +"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord. + +"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down." + +"Very true, sir." + +"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up." + +"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith." + +"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment--got my +family to support; I always trusted I treated you like a man, didn't I?" + +"A--ye-e-s, you did, I believe." + +"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of friends who of course +will patronize our house while I am in it, and you can afford me a fair +sort of a living to help you." + +"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall have to hire +somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a raw hand from the country, +I will take one who understands all about it. I'll engage you; so go to +work." + +"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the man, and the man the +master. + +"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the 'General +Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin out afore long, if he let +other people 'tend to his business instead of himself." + +"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another old head; +"he's 'bout skin'd Smith." + +"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says a third, "and +oughter try to get on to his pegs again." + +But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows all "went in," +partook of the landlord's hospitality, and hoped--of course they +did--that he might live several thousand years, and make a fortune! + +Time slid on--Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more assiduous and +devoted to the toddy affairs of the house, than Jerry Smith, the +pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart. Absalom being landlord of a popular +drinking establishment, was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies, +and various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages. Ergo, +Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had his horses, dogs, and +other pastimes; got married, and cut it very "fat." One day he got +involved for a friend, got into unnecessary expenses, was sued for +complicated debts, and so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at +the end of his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the +"General Washington" again came under the hammer. + +Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered who would become the +next customer. + +"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he had worked long and +_faith_fully, and he had saved something. Smith bought out the whole +concern, and once more he was landlord of the "General Washington." + +Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November--he was dead broke, +and felt, in his present situation, flat, stale, and unprofitable +enough. + +"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse, "I am once more +on my oars." + +"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we are up, and +sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works wonders, as you once very +forcibly remarked." + +"It does, indeed, sir." + +"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the world is large, +if it is full of changes." + +"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith--" + +"Well, Ab." + +"That we have known one another--" + +"Pretty well, I think!" + +"A long time, sir--" + +"Yes, Ab." + +"And when I was up and you down--" + +"Yes, go on." + +"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water." + +"True enough, Ab, my boy." + +"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar again, and I'll off +coat and go to work like a Trojan." + +"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you was so green you could +hardly tell a crossed quarter from a bogus pistareen--the 'run of the +till' you learnt in a week, while in less than a month you was the best +hand at 'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you and I are +square; we will keep so--go!" + +Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left for parts unknown. + + + + +People Do Differ! + + +Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't +a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he +could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to +lick him. But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too, goes up +with his resources, and he don't wait for any body to "knock the chip +off his hat," but goes right smack up to a crowd of fighting bullies, +and rolling up his sleeves, he coolly "wants to know" if any body had +any thing to say about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a +baby," his _physique_ has grown to be quite enormous, and we rather +expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched battle with some body +soon, _or he'll spile!_ + + + + +Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience. + + +Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your +ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ache, +as you know nothing, absolutely nothing about pain--the acute, +double-distilled, rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of +a treacherous tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like, +how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically which you may +pray heaven that you may not know practically. + +But there's poor William Whiffletree--he's been through the mill, +fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined, essential oil of the +agony caused by a raging tooth. Every time we read _Othello_, we are +half inclined to think that _more_ than half of Iago's devilishness came +from that "raging tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured +and tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered against all +the world, and blackamoors in particular. + +William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration of what +tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do; and affords a pretty +fair idea of the manner in which the tooth and sufferer are medicinally +and morally treated by the _materia medica_, and friends at large. + +William Whiffletree--or "Bill," as most people called him--was a sturdy +young fellow of two-and-twenty, of "poor but respectable parents," and +'tended the dry-goods store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of +Rockbottom, State of New York. + +One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom a +galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the euphonium of Dr. +Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a surgeon, he had--according to the +album-full of _certificates_--operated in all the scientific branches of +amputation, from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings, +Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the dental way, he +spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr. Wangbanger had not been long in +Rockbottom before his "gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to +elongate the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree, +in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset, dug +out, and burnished up! + +Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed youth, got up +in the most sturdy New Hampshire style, _his_ teeth _were_ teeth, in +every way calculated to perform long and strong; but Bill was fast +imbibing counter-jumper notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased +soap-locks, and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential in +cutting a swarth among ye fair sex. + +So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience with Mr. William +Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr. Whiffletree's molars which Bill +thought had a "speck" on it, he soon convinced the victim that the said +molar not only was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest +neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch! + +"O, shocking!" says the remorseless _hum_; "it is well I saw it in time, +Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a few weeks, that tooth, sir, +would have exfoliated, calcareous supperation would have ensued, the gum +would have ossified, while the nerve of the tooth becoming +apostrophized, the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and +the jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses, would +necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the capillary organs of +your stomach and brain, and--_death would supervene in two hours!_" + +Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a queer sensation +settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis legso almost bent double +under him, at the awful prospect of things before him! He took a long +breath, however, and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired-- + +"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?" + +"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor. + +"Plug and file what?" + +"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the treacherous monster +_meant_ Bill's wallet, of course! + +"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill. + +"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and splendid system invented +by myself, sir, and practiced upon all the crowned heads of Europe, +London, and Washington City, it will cost you three dollars." + +"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry. + +"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable, sir, than +otherwise," said the Doctor. + +"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the _dosh_," and forking over three +dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed chair, and the +Doctor's assistant--a sturdy young Irishman--clamping Bill's head to the +back of the chair, to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter +began to "bore and file." + +"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, _hold on!_" cries Bill, at the first _gouge_ the +Doctor gave the huge tooth. + +"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's mesilf as +untherstands it--_I'll howld on till yees!_" + +"O--O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds. + +"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor. + +"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!" + +"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a +divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he _was_ holding, for in vain Bill +screwed and twisted and squirmed around; Pat held him like a +cider-press. + +"Let me--me--O--O--O! Everlasting creation! let me go-o-o--stop, _hold +on-n-n!_" as the Doctor bored, screwed, and plugged away at the tooth. + +"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the Doctor, with a +confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief. "There, sir--there was +science, art, elegance, and dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe--your +life is safe--_you're a sound man!_" + +"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've broken my jaw into +flinders; you've set all my teeth on edge; and I've no more +feelin'--gall darn ye!--in my jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps! +You've got the wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!" + +That night was one of anxiety and misery to William Whiffletree. The +disturbed _molar_ growled and twitched like mad; and, by daylight, poor +Bill's cheek was swollen up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth +puckered, and his right eye half "bunged up." + +"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went into the store, "what +in grace ails thy face? Thee looks like an owl in an ivy-bush!" + +"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a meat-axe at his +snickering Orthodox boss. + +"Plugged and _fined_? Thee hain't been fighting, William?" + +"Fined? No, I ain't been _fined_ or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw, but I bet I +do fight that feller who gave me the tooth-ache!--O! O!" moaned poor +Bill, as he clamped his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around +waving his head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin. + +"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache? Go thee to my +wife; she'll cure thee in one minute, William; a little laudanum and +cotton will soon ease thy pain." + +Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar, but as it did no +kind of good, old grandmother proposed a poultice; and soon poor Bill's +head and cheek were done up in mush, while he groaned and grunted and +started for the store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as +though he was a rare curiosity. + +"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill was going by +his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or got the tooth-ache?" + +Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his head intimated +the cause of his distress. + +"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a half; sit down, +I'll fix it--I've cured hundreds," says Firelock. + +"What are you--O-h-h, dear! what are you going to do?" says Bill, eyeing +the wire, and lamp in which Firelock was heating the wire. + +"Burn out the marrow of the tooth--'twill never trouble you again--I've +cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared--you won't feel it but a +moment. Sit still, keep cool!" says Firelock. + +"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being already intensely +crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, took his head out of the +mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and Firelock, admonishing him to "keep +cool," crowded the hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the +hollow by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the melted tin +to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the wire, burnt his tongue, +and knocked Firelock nearly through the partition of his shop; and so +frightened Monsieur Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed +out into the street, crying-- + +"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!" + +Bill was stone dead--Firelock crippled. The apothecary over the way came +in, picked up poor Bill, applied some camphor to his nose, and brought +him back to life, and--the pangs of tooth-ache! + +"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease your pain, Mr. +Whiffletree, in a second!" + +Poor Bill gave up--the kreasote added a fresh invoice to his +misery--burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue--and he yelled +right out. + +"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!" + +"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a stranger; "'twill +take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!" + +Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; the Brick +was applied; but Bill's cheek being now half raw with the various +messes, it made him yell when the brick touched him! + +He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, finally, with +laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put him to sleep. + +He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; walked the floor +until daylight; was tempted two or three times to jump out the window or +crawl up the chimney! + +Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten minutes, some +"known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, and the ten thousand +applications usually tried to cure a raging tooth. + +Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and went after Dr. +Wangbanger, who had set all the village in a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or +a dozen of his victims were at his door, awaiting ferociously their +turns to be revenged. + +But the bird had flown; the _teuth-doctor_ had sloped; yet a good +Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his ear, Bill started for +Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a seat, shut his eyes, and said his +prayers. The little Frenchman took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and +Bill giving one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils +at an end! + + + + +A-a-a-in't they Thick? + + +During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave +"fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps; +an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and +wooden-ware generally, from one of the remote towns of the good old Bay +State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of Yankee land. In the +multifarious operations of his shop and business, Abner had but little +time, and as little inclination, to keep the run of _latest news_, as +set forth glaringly, every day, under the caption of _Telegraphic +Dispatches_, in the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of +the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our friend Phipps +was but meagerly "posted up" in what was going on in this great country, +half of his time. I must do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was +not ignorant of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New +Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean out of their +boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a humbug, and money was +pretty generally considered a cash article all over the universal world. + +But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive Slave bill? Not a +red cent's worth, no more than he did of the equitation of the earth, +the Wilmot proviso, or Barnum's woolly horse--not a _red_. He came to +Boston annually to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not +business. The very first morning of his arrival in town, the hue and cry +of "slave hunters," was raised--Shadrack, the fugitive, was arrested at +his vocation--table servant at Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill, +where Abner Phipps accidentally had stuck his boots under the +mahogany, for the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted +inner-man. Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his +_tapioca_, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what the +profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston +_restaurateur_. He saw there was a muss between the black waiter and two +red-nosed white men, but as he did not know what it was all about, he +didn't care; it was none of his business; and being a part of his +religion, not to meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued +his _tapioca_ to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the +equivalent and stepped out. + +As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, that the +niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to what they used to be; +and bending his footsteps down Brattle street, once or twice it occurred +to him that the niggers _had_ got to be thick--darn'd thick, for they +passed and repassed him--walked before him and behind him, and in fact +all around him. + +"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering thick--never saw +'em so thick in my life. _Ain't they thick?_" he soliloquized, and as he +continued his stroll in the purlieus of "slightly soiled" garments, +vulgarly known as second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very +dignified and respectable _col'ud pussons_, it again struck Phipps quite +forcibly that the niggers were _a_ getting thick. + +"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed with a gridiron," +said Phipps, "if there ain't more _niggers_--look at 'em--more niggers +than would patch and grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've +enough niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop in +here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so Abner, having +reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, pistol, bowie, jack-knife, +dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop in general. Unlucky step. + +The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed shop-keeper was +on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell the stranger something. +Just then a nigger passed the door, and looked in very sharply at +Phipps, and presently two more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all +_looking_ more or less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's, +and white-pine fixin's. + +"That's a neat _collar_," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps, sort of +miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band, red-lined +dog-collar. + +"Collar! don't call that a _collar_, do you?" + +"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir." + +"What for, _solgers_?" asks Phipps. + +"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering his mouth as +though he had _sampled_ a lemon. + +"_O!_" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't got no dogs; +bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I live; wouldn't pay tax for +forty dogs." More niggers passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and +the storekeeper. + +"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick--infernal thick, in your town +lately?" + +"Well, I don't know that they are," replied the shop-keeper; "getting +rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive bill has been put in force +over the country, sir, but it does appear to me," said the shop-keeper, +twiging sundry and suspicious-looking col'ud gem'en passing by his +store, gaping in rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the +sash of the windows--"it does appear to me, that a good many colored +persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why there goes more, more +yet; bless me, there's another, two, three, four, why a dozen has just +passed; they seem to look in here rather curiously, I wonder--only look; +what has stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the +_Congo_ market completely attracted the handsome man's attention; +his surprise finally assumed the most tangible shape and complexion of +fear, for the niggers, one and all, looked savage as meat-axes, and +began to get too numerous to mention. + +[Illustration: "What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of +two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding +up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he +pocket!"--_Page_ 99.] + +"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling over some of +the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching the street, he was more +fully impressed with the fixed fact, that the niggers were all sorts of +thick. They fairly crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against +Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister," says Phipps, +"ain't all this street big enough for you without a crowdin' me?" + +The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning at Phipps, and +then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone-- + +"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis day is ober." + +"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified as to the why and +wherefore, that _he_ should, in particular, be "crowded," especially by +an Ethiopic gentleman. + +"I guess I _won't_ then," resumed Phipps; "if any body ventures to crowd +me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd apt, and mighty quick to +squash in their heads, or whoop'm on the spot." + +"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of the two big buck +niggers, shying up alongside of the now velocipeding up-country artisan. +Phipps looked back, the negroes were following him. "Pistils? who's +talkin' about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask. + +"Dat's him, watch'm." + +"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want to lay in a stock +of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro. + +"You--you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another. + +"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?" + +"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third. + +"Dat's him! watch'm!" + +"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!" + +The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend Phipps; he stopped, +buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented; glared at him like demons; he +fixed his hat firmly upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move +upon him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell, and to +close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty gathering of all +the human faculties called into action by fear and desperation, Phipps +bounded like a Louisiana bull at a gate post; he knocked down two, +_square_; kicked over four, and rushing through the now very +considerable and formidable array of ebony, he _broke_ equal to a wild +turkey through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound of milky +butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps ever stopped running +until his boots _busted_, or he reached his bucket factory on Taunton +river. His negro deputation _waited on him_ with a rush clear outside of +town, where the speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire +committee. The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'--by +the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter at least, and +hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud pop'lation paid him. I have +no doubt, that if Abner Phipps be asked, how things look around Boston, +he would observe with some energy, + +"Niggers--niggers are thick--Godfree! _a-a-a-in't they thick!_" + + + + +A Desperate Race. + + +Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the +principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of +the Buckeye State. + +It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all +within were blythe and gay; when song and story made the circuit of the +festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter. + +We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the +pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The +Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy +legislators were present upon this occasion. + +One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in +the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known +than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous +Captain Riley! whose "narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty +generally known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine, +fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the +representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city +when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of +his far-famed and singular adventures, which being mostly told before +and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his book, I will not +attempt to repeat them. + +Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came +to the turn of a well known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati +district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed +to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give +his name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and at +the same time much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero +whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his +truthful, though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked, +that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to +compare with an adventure that he had "once upon a time" on the Ohio, +below the present city of Cincinnati. + +"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and +knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his chair. +"Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of marvellous or +fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary to affirm +upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am +about to tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--" + +"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party. + +"Well, gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio river, and settled at +Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at that time, but a little +settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now +stands the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was +the cottage and corn patch of old Mr. ----, a tailor, who, by the by, +bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well, +I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of +corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about +improving my lot, house, &c. + +"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my dog down the +river, to look up a little deer, or _bar_ meat, then very plenty along +the river. The blasted red skins were lurking about, and hovering +around the settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our +neighbors, or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and +made no bones of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight +at them. In fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a +great many traps to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping. +No, no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that. + +"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and +travelled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but +couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon, I +made tracks for the settlement again. By and by, I sees a buck just +ahead of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my +faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting distance, +and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink, I drew a _bead_ upon +his top-knot and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded awhile, when +I came up and relieved him by cutting his wizen--" + +"Well, but what had that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley. + +"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen--by Jove it had a great deal to +do with it. For while I was busy skinning the hind quarters of the buck, +and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise +like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog +heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time in reloading +my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised a howl +and broke through the brush towards me with his tail down, as he was not +used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins +about. + +"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot +up the river. The frequent gullies, on the lower bank, made it tedious +travelling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty +well covered with buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One +peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals, +gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not +above six hundred yards in my rear. Shouting and yelling like hounds, +and coming after me like all possessed." + +"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table, "you took a tree of +course?" + +"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels +like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up +with me. I run until the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter +behind me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and +there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred +yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees +were small and scarce--now, thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I +trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and when +he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and fired, and down I +brought him, dead as a door nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!" + +"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman. + +"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my rifle loaded, +here came the other two red skins, shouting and whooping close on me, +and away I broke again like a quarter horse. I was now about five miles +from the settlement, and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my +wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and there they +came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards +ahead of the other, so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got +pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was +'drawing a _bead_' on me; he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and +up came the last one!" + +"So you laid for him and--" gasped several. + +"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to +load, so I layed _legs_ to ground, and started again. I heard every +bound he made after me. I ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my +eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard +long!" + +"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody. + +"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know--rifle empty, no +big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in +my rear; and, what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not +a great ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there I +should be pinned at last. + +"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root, and down I +tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--" + +"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman. + +"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder; +but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon +as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the +red skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected +to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders. + +"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--" + +"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in +a great state of excitement. + +"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you think it was?" + +Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could +be. When Riley observed-- + +"I suppose you had--" + +"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of my hunting +shirt, and the grease was running down my legs until my feet got so +greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one hitting the dog, nearly +knocked his brains out." + +We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed-- + +"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?" + +"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in. + +"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being relieved of my heavy +boots, I put off with double quick time, and seeing the creek about half +a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a +chance there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming jogging +along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the rear. +Thinks I, here goes to load any how. So at it I went--in went the +powder, and putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, and +off snapped my ramrod!" + +"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to +the top-notch in the "member's" story. + +"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two +hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came!_ +I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming +up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin a blast +any how, as soon as I reached the creek. + +"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from +the settlement chimneys; a few more jumps and I was by the creek. The +Indian was close upon me--he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he +came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down; another +whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me! I pulled trigger, +and--" + +"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley. + +"No, _sir!_ I missed fire!" + +"And the red skin--" shouted the old woodsman in a phrenzy of +excitement-- + +"_Fired and killed me!_" + +The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble, +servants and hostlers, running up stairs to see if the house was on +fire! + + + + +Dodging the Responsibility. + + +"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an _unwilling witness_, "Sir! do +you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest _man_?" + +"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest man, did I?" +replied Pipkins. + +"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins, that the plaintiff's +reputation is bad?" inquired the judge, merely putting the question to +keep his eyes open. + +"I didn't say it was good, I reckon." + +"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath--mind, upon your oath, +upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is a rogue, a villain and a +thief!" + +"_You_ say so," was Pip's reply. + +"Haven't _you_ said so?" + +"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use of my repeating +it?" + +"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer of Thumbtown, +"Sir-r! I charge you, upon your sworn oath, do you or do you not +say--Blinkins stole things?" + +"No, _sir_," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never said Blinkins +stole things, but I _do_ say--_he's got a way of finding things that +nobody lost!_" + +"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned. + + + + +A Night Adventure in Prairie Land. + + +"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your +_mot_,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat, and +I'll warrant the old doe and her fawns will be found retracing their +steps." + + [*] _Mot_ is the name given small clumps of trees or woods, found + scattered over the prairie land of Texas. + +We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three of us; one, an +old hunter, who, after marking out our course, giving us the lay of the +land, and various admonitions as to the danger of getting too far from +camp, looking out for "Injin signs," &c., "Old Traps," as we called him, +took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion were each armed +with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the way, and mine an Ohio piece, +carrying about one hundred and twenty balls to the pound, consequently +very light, and not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred +yards. It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe +consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats, two shirts, and +jean hunting shirts--all thin, to be sure, but warm and comfortable +enough for a day's hunt. We trudged about until noon, firing but once, +and then at an alligator in a _bayou_, whose coat of mail laughed to +scorn our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt, +he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid stream. Seating +ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood, we made a slight repast upon some +cold _pone_, which, moistened with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must +needs confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont +dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed, all of a sudden +we heard a racket in our rear, which, though it startled us at first, +soon apprised us that game was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few +yards above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down the slight +bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns. + +As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their noses into the +drink, we both let drive at them: but, in my rising upon my knee to fire +at the buck, he got wind of the courtesies I was about to tender him, +and absolutely dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he +"juked"--to use an old-fashioned western word--down his head the moment +he saw fire, the bullet merely made the fur fly down his neck, and, with +a back bound or double somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked +thunder. + +Our eyes met--we both grinned. + +"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!" + +"Both missed?" says I. + +"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a greaser or +Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat us about the jaws with +'em!" + +It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we both laughed +quite jocosely at it. + +"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle, "you and I can't +give it up so, no how." Tripping up a cup of the alligator fluid, we +washed down our crumbs, and started. We followed the deer about two +miles up the _bayou_; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking, +and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a suspicious place +carefully and cautiously, we had another fair view of the doe and fawns, +feeding and watching on the side of a broad prairie. The distance +between us was quite extensive; we could not well approach within +shooting distance without alarming them. The only alternative was for +my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush and stuff, and let me +circumvent the critters; one of us would surely get a whack at them. I +started; a slow, tedious scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to +the windward of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass and +chapperel, about a branch of the _bayou_, the old doe began to raise her +head occasionally, and scent the air: this, as I got still nearer, she +repeated more frequently, until, at length, she took the hint, and made +a break down towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just as +the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired. 'Bout went the +deer, making a dash for my quarters; but before getting any ways near +me, down toppled one of the young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my +blood was up--I was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and +perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot, off hand, as +the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at over eighty yards, I let +her have the best I had; the bullet struck--the old doe jumped, by way +of an extra, about five by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask +permission at that. A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in +peppering a few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an +amateur hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or flock of +wild turkeys, you may safely premise it would take some capital to buy +him off. + +I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps," greasers and +Injins--my whole capital was invested in the old _doe_, and I was after +_her_. She was badly wounded; I thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon, +and I followed clear across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling +considerably fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and being +no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled along, I sat down, +wiped the salt water from my parboiled countenance, and began to---- +think I'd gone far enough for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little +too far, for the sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the +black shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I hurried +out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it was no go. I had +entirely reversed the order of things, in my mind; I had lost my +bearings. The evening was cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet +night, and neither moon nor stars were to be seen. + +Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the broad prairie, +upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I plodded along, quite +chilly, and my thin garments, wet from perspiration, were cold as cakes +of ice to my flesh. I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the +right track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was some +doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for raising a fire, and +the _meat_ and what bread was left at our last repast. Night came right +down in the midst of my cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain +began to fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of +spirits--the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not even the +tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark monotony, is a wet +blanket to cheerfulness. I really think the stillness of a large prairie +is one of the most painful sensations of loneliness, a man ever +encountered. The sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a +comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially +double-distilled monotony of these great American grass-patches--you +can't call them deserts, for at times they represent interminable +flower-gardens, of the most elegant and voluptuous description. + +Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye; how I +envied--not for the first time either--the unthankful inmates of even a +second-rate boarding-house! A negro cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe +cake, had charms, in my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into +fit themes for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least +three miles, in one direction, I struck a large _mot_, that jutted out +into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to hang up for the night. +I was soaking wet--hungry and wolfish enough. My utter desperation +induced me to work for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a +piece of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no Ingins. +I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that the red devils would +surround me, give me one bite and a drink, and I'd die happy. All of a +sudden, I got sight of a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the +distance! It was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold +as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff limbs, and +struck a bee line for the light. After wading, stumbling, and tramping, +until my weary legs would bear me no longer, I had the mortification to +see the fire at as great a distance as when I first started. This about +knocked me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let myself be +wet down into _papier mache_ by the descending elements. Blessed was he +that invented sleep, says Sancho Panza, but he was a better workman that +invented _spunk_. All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort +of martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched straight for +the fire in the weary distance. A steady and toilsome perseverance over +brake and bush, mud, ravine, grass and water, at length brought me near +the fire. And then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian +camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the morning +with a human barbecue, and these impressions were nearly sufficient +inducement for me to go no further. It might be my friend Mat's fire, +and it might not be: it wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a +fire, and the more I debated, the worse complexion things bore. +Involuntarily, however, I edged on up towards the fire, which was going +down apparently. Coming to a _bayou_, I reconnoitered some time. All was +quiet, save the pattering of the rain in the grass, and on the +scattering lofty trees. I stood still and absorbed, watching the dying +fire, for an hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense +darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a murky, rainy +morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued, and hungry beyond all mental +supervision or fear, I marched point blank up to the fire, and there +lay--not a tribe of Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast +asleep, under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside +of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug! + +I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of any red skin +within ten miles, and Mat started upon his feet and snatched his +"Yeager" from under the log quicker than death. + +"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only going to eat ye!" + +Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of his fawn was jerked +and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing about five pounds, and +getting a few whiffs at Mat's old stone pipe, I took his nest under the +log, and slept a few hours sound as a pig of lead. + +Waked up, prime--stowed away a few more pounds of the fawn, and then we +started for camp. Living and faring in this manner, for from three to +twelve months, may give you some idea of the training the heroes of San +Jacinto had. + + + + +Roosting Out. + + +In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and +his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like +tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a +small hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour up and +across the Sabine, and so into the United States, homeward bound. + +There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr. Clenen, one of +our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and mules, in the party; and with a +tolerable fair camp equipage, plenty of ammunition, one or two "old +campaigners" and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed +we should have a pleasant time. The first five days were cold, being +early Spring, wet, and not _very_ interesting; but as all of the party +had seen some service, and not expecting the comforts and delicacies of +civilization, they were all the better prepared to take things as they +came, and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow, and reach +Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas, and strike near Fort +Smith, in twenty or thirty days. We left Houston in the morning, passed +Montgomery, and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and Trinity +River, the first five days, then stood off north for the head of the +Sabine. + +Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in with some wild +turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days and lived like fighting +cocks. The turkeys were picked off the tall trees, as they roosted after +night, by rifle shots, and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich +flavor of a well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a +crowder--a large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as a +barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base, and full +three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up. This must have +been the hive of many and many a swarm, for years past; the tree was cut +down, and contained from one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb! +Nor are such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red River, +&c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather then being much improved, +it was suggested that the camp should be moved a few miles off, and +leave the bee tree and its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if +they did come about, we should come back and have a few pops at them. +The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing a few gallons of the +translucent delicacy, the camp was struck, and, following an old trail a +few miles, we found a delightful site for recamping under some large +oaks on a creek, a tributary of the Sabine river. + +Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during the day had found +"a deer lick," about three miles above the camp, and to vary the +_viands_ a little, it was proposed that three of the boys should go up +after dark, lay about, and see if a shot could be had at some of the +visitors of "the lick." + +One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old traps," from the +fact of his always being so ready to explain the manner and uses of all +sorts of traps, and the inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the +course of twenty years' experience in the far west. + +Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed committee, that +night, to attend to the cases of the deer. Soon after dark we put out, +and in the course of a couple of hours, after some floundering in a +muddy "bottom" and through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was +found, and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps" took a +lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted on a dead tree, with a +few bushes around it, and in a particularly dark spot, from the fact of +some very heavy timber with wide-spreading tops standing around and +nearly over us. + +The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation, for a long +time, is most desirable and necessary in the character of a +hunter;--some men have a faculty for holding a fishing-rod hours at a +time over a fishless tide, with wondrous ardor; and I have known men to +watch deer, bear, and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty +hours. Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain, and a +musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant pastime; but my +patience revolted at the idea of squatting on the wet log, all cramped +up, three or four hours, and no deer making their appearance; Doctor and +I made up our minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp. +Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two deer, fine +antlered customers, made their appearance about three hundred yards from +us, out on a small plain, where their sprightly forms could just be made +out as they leisurely stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon +convinced us that _his_ eye was still open, although we had concluded he +was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack of "old traps'" rifle +brought down one of the deer, and the other, in bounds of thirty or +forty feet at a spring, whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I +fired at the flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off +he sped. + +"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we all bustled up to +where the deer lay kicking and plunging in his death throes. "By Jove, +'traps,' you've put a ball clean through his head!" + +"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself." + +"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I. + +"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued loading up his +rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's hide, quarter it, and travel +back to the camp, for we ain't gwoine to have any more deer to-night." + +This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters and hide, and +travelled; Doctor and I brought up the rear with the rest of the meat +and fat. + +To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded to take a +little round-about way, and relieved one another by taking "spells" at +carrying the rifles and the meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for +some time, when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the +camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough. + +Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was behind some twenty +yards with both rifles; we were passing through some thin timber which +skirted a little prairie, out on which we could see quite distinctly; +Doctor made a sudden halt-- + +"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?" + +"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor, who made free to +drop the meat, wheeled about, snatched his rifle out of my fists and +_broke!_ + +"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!" + +Upon that _hint_ there were two gentlemen seen hurrying themselves +_somewhat_, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor was what you might call +a fast trotter, but when he broke into a full gallop the odds against me +were dreadful! I was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out +stopped to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face and +dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain where the Doctor +had got to. No sound broke the reigning stillness, save the sonorous +"coo-hoot" of an owl. My rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that +my caps were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared in the +fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely at a dead +loss as to the bearings of the camp. + +"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over spilt milk--it's +no use to move when there is no idea existing of bettering one's self, +so here I'll _roost_ until daylight, unless Doctor comes back to hunt me +up!" I judged it was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it +possible that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite to +follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!--A proper site for a _roost_ +was the next matter of importance, and a scrubby oak with a thick top, +close by, offered an inviting elevation to lodge. + +A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp air of its +approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a crotch very fatiguing +"pastime." + +When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation that +convinced me, according to Indian signs, that Doctor and I had gone +South too far to hit the camp, and, to the best of my reckoning, the old +bee tree was not far out of my way, and that I now struck for. + +About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the bee tree, made a +dinner on honey, which was scattered about considerably, giving evidence +of its having been visited by our rugged Russian friends. + +And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not linger about a spot +where troublesome customers might abound, I made tracks for the camp, +which was reached about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the +Doctor had not come in yet. + +"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been prophesying "the +boys" were lost, and would not soon be found again. However, the old +fellow put away his deer skin, which he had been cleaning, &c., to give +me a feed of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my +exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious. Two of the +party, with one of the black boys, and a mule, had been out since noon +in quest of us, and about midnight they returned with the Doctor, who +congratulated me on what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all +concluded _it was a_ DEER _hunt!_ Though we "had a time" at the bee +tree, next night, that made us about square. + + + + +Rather Twangy. + + +Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin, +and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one +night last week, and after striking a light, they _lit_ upon a large +demijohn, having the suspicious look of a whiskey holder. One held the +light, while another held up the _demi_ to his mouth, and took a small +taster. + +"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky, I'm thinkin'!" +says the fellow, screwing his face into all manner of puckers. + +"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and I'll take a +swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "_Agh!_" says he, putting down the +demijohn in haste, "it's rale bhrandy--_agh-h!_" + +"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a swig at 'em," and +Paddy number three took hold, and down he rushed a good slew of it! + +"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened--o-o-och! +Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo, that the neighbors were +awakened. They came rushing in, and arrested Paddy number three. The +others fled, with their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow +had drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha stomach, he +stood the infliction without kicking the bucket, but he was bleached, in +two days--white as a bolt of cotton cloth! + + + + +Passing Around the Fodder! + +A DINNER SKETCH. + + +A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "_Empire +State_," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's +ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker +city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining and +eulogising the external appearance and internal arrangements of the +"Empire," winding up our investigation, of course, with a _look_ into a +small corner cupboard in the barber's office, where a superb _smile_--as +_is_ a smile--can be usually enjoyed by the _nobbish_ investment of a +York shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"--gliding by the +beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely palaces of the business +men of the great city of New York, we were soon out upon the broad, deep +Sound, a glorious place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells +announced "supper ready"--a general stampede into the spacious cabin +took place, and though the tables strung along forty rods on each side +of the great cabin, not over half the crowd got seats upon this +interesting occasion. I was _about_ with my friend--in _time_, stuck our +legs under the mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper +superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar from his +devotions. We got along very nicely. An old chap who sat above us some +seats, and whose rotund developments gave any ordinary observer reason +to suppose his appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching +about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd bawl "right eout" +for them. + +"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that saas; give us a +chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what d'ye call that stuff?" + +"This?" says one, passing along a dish. + +"Pshaw, no, t'other there." + +"Oh! ah! yes, _this_," says my facetious friend. + +"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and down we sent the +biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood. + +"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll see how it +works." + +Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the various +_heavy_ courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed it over to my +next neighbor with-- + +"Please to pass that up, sir?" + +"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the plate very gingerly; +"pass it _up_?" + +"Aye, yes, if you please," says I. + +By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his fists, and began +to look about him where to pass the plate _to_. Nobody in particular +seemed on the watch for a _spare_ plate. The gent looked back at me, but +I was "cutting away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left eye +the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon the corn pile of my +friend's foot under the table. + +At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the table waiting for +the plate, and quickly he whispered to his next neighbor-- + +"Please, sir, to-to-a, _just pass this plate up!_" + +The man took the plate, and being more of a practical operator than his +neighbor, gave the plate over to _his_ next neighbor, with-- + +"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please," dodging his head +towards an old gent in specs, who sat near the head of the table, +grinning a ghastly smile over the field of good things. + +"It's _going!_" + +"_What?_" says my friend. + +"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet, you'll see a +good thing." + +The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It was given to the +old gentleman in specs; he looked over the top of his specs very +deliberately at the "fodder," then back at the thin, pale, +student-looking youth who handed it to him, then up and down the table. +A raw-boned, gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old +gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His lips quacked as if +in the act of--"pass this plate, sir,"--to his next neighbor; he was too +far off for us to _hear_ his discourse. Well, the plate came booming +along down the opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over +to his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold of the +invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably, that he was keeping +_somebody_ (!) out of his grub, so he quickly turned to his neighbor and +passed the plate. One or two more moves brought the plate within our +range, and there it liked to have _stuck_, for a fussy old Englishman, +in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted-- + +"I don't want it, sir." + +"Well, but, sir, please _pass it_," says the last victim, beseechingly +holding out the plate. + +"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at length reluctantly +seizing on the plate, and rushing it on to his next neighbor, who +started-- + +"Not mine, sir." + +"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody." + +Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their pretty eyes and +noses while the gents _passed it_ by them. + +"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that you gave me!" +says my next neighbor, to whom I had first given the "currency." + +"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with feigned +astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a good supper so +universally discarded!" + +The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the table. An elderly +lady looked up, looked around, removed a large sweet potato from the +pile--then passed it along. An old salty-looking captain, just then took +a vacant seat, and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He +looked voracious-- + +"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort; thunder and +oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's the _duff for me!_" + +That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and my friend--_yelled +right out!_ + + + + +A Hint to Soyer. + + +Magrundy says, in his work on _Grub_, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a +pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancient chapeau; +but our friend Perriwinkle affirms that the French ain't "nowhere," +after a feat he saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding +house" in the North End:--the landlady made a chowder out of an old +broom mixed with sinders, and after all the boarders had dined upon it +scrumptiously, the remains made broth for the whole family, next day, +besides plenty of fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is +bound--_to make Rome howl!_ + + + + +The Leg of Mutton. + + +I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable +man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sunday dinner. I +have heard, or read somewhere or other, almost similar stories; whether +they were real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for the +authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well. + +In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some military +disputes with England, which elicited some pretty tall fights by land +and sea, and the land we live in was considerably excited upon the +subject, and patriotism rose to many degrees above blood heat. +Philadelphia, about that time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the +scene of drum-beating, marching and counter-marching, and volunteering +of the patriotic people. + +The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors of the +respective States reiterated them, and a large portion of our brave +republicans were soon in or marching to the battle field. There lived +and wrought at his trade, carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia, +about that time, a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was +his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man, married, had a +small, comfortable family, and to all intents and purposes, settled down +for life. How deceptive, how unstable, how uncertain is man, to say +nothing of the more frail portion of the creation--woman! Peter Houp one +fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to get a leg of +mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's dinner. Beyond the object of +research, Peter never dreamed of extending his travels for that day, +certain. A leg of mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a +matter somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of mutton +as can be found on this side of the big pond, can be found almost any +Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania market wagons, which congregate +along Second street, for a mile or two in a string. Peter could have +secured his leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most. + +But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and in the course of +time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for which the _leg of mutton_ was +to be brought and prepared, and offered up, a sacrifice to the household +gods and grateful appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor +the man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors of the +carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the next! I cannot, of +course, realize half the agony or tortures of suspense that must have +preyed upon that wife's heart and brain, that must have haunted her +feverish dreams at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death +strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled, cold, +breathless, dead--we see, we know there is the end! Grief has its +season, the bitterest of woe then calms, subsides, or ceases; but +_lost_--which hope prevents mourning as dead, and whose death-like +absence almost precludes the idea that they live, engenders in the soul +of true affection, a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more +agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have endeavored +to depict what must have been, what were the feelings of Peter Houp's +wife. She mourned and grieved, and still hoped on, though months and +years passed away without imparting the slightest clue to the +unfortunate fate of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a +girl, grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings of +the lost man having reached his family; but they still lived with a kind +of despairing hope that the husband and father would yet _come home_, +and so he did. + +Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter. As he strolled +along with his basket under his arm, on the eventful morning he sought +the leg of mutton, he met a platoon of men dressed up in uniform, +muskets on their shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of +hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes, it was a +company of volunteers, just about shipping off for the South, to join +the "Old Zack" of that day, General Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks +of the volunteers several of his old _chums_; he spoke to them, walked +along with the men of Mars, got inspired--patriotic--_drunk_. Two days +after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet, honest, and +industrious carpenter left his wife and children full of hope and +happiness, he found himself in blue breeches, roundabout, and black cap, +on board a brig--bound for New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was +too late to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through the +foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile, as she could +not reach New Orleans, the British under General Packenham being off the +Balize. So the volunteers were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over +land to the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was not +only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false step once in +life, but a brave one. Having gone so far, and made a step so hard to +retrace, Peter's cool reason got bothered; he poured the spirits down to +keep his spirits up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate. +Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the cotton bags, +which he had assisted in getting down from the city to the battle +ground, piled up, and now ready to defend his country while life lasted. +Peter fought well, being a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself, +tall, firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's +attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally complimented +for his skill and courage by the victorious Commander-in-chief. Every +body knows the history of the battle of New Orleans--I need not relate +it. After the victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license, +and they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as all +cities are likely to represent when near a victorious army. Peter Houp +was on a "regular bender," a "big tare," a long spree--and for one so +unlike any thing of the kind, he went it with a _perfect looseness_. + +A rich citizen's house was robbed--burglariously entered and robbed; and +Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia carpenter, who would not have +bartered his reputation for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his +sober senses, was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation, +false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary. O, +what an awful probation of sorrow and mental agony were those seven long +years! But they passed over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse +man, fortunately, but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard a word +of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted--his family--for +eight years, and his heart yearned towards them so strongly that, +pennyless, pale and care-worn as he was, he would have started +immediately for home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he +concluded to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of his +abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter. Weeks, months, +and a year passed, and no reply came, though another letter was +dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage of the first; (and both letters +did miscarry, as the wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as +a lost man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death could +end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune would have it, he +never again sought refuge from his sorrows in the poisoned chalice, the +rum glass; not he. Peter toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four +years found himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard +cash, and a fully established good name. But all of this time he had +heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden, one fine day in +early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived in Philadelphia; and in +a few rods from the wharf, upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor. +The astonishment of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out-- + +"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?" + +"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans." + +Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in the same +place, and long mourned him as forever gone. Peter Houp felt any thing +but merry, but he was determined to have his joke and a merry meeting. +In an hour or two Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own +door. + +"Well, Nancy, _here is thy leg of mutton!_" and a fine one too he had. + +The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker origin; sober and +stoical as her husband, she regarded him wistfully as he stood in the +door, for a long time; at last she spoke-- + +"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a _long time for it_." + +The next moment found them locked in each other's arms; overtasked +nature could stand no more, and they both cried like children. + +The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and lives yet, I +believe, an old and highly respected citizen of "Brotherly Love." + + + + +A Chapter on Misers. + + +We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--_money_. The poor +feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its +corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp +and power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt hearts and +enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance--yea, curse of mankind in +general. + +It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not over one in a +thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on to amass dollar upon dollar, +until the shining heaps of garnered gold and silver become a god, and a +faith, that the rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the +most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency, against the +odds and chances of advanced life, a man may be pardoned for a degree of +economical prudence; but for parsimonious meanness, there is certainly +no excuse. I have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who +owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as well as many +excellent farms around there, and who, though rich as a Jew (worth +$200,000), was so despicably and scandalously mean, as to go through the +markets and beg bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup +for their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating +"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and add dime and +dollar to his already bursting coffers. + +At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was one the poor wretch +would fain have gotten a little more time on, but the Court of Death +brooks no delay--there is no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs +of error, by which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire, +can gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The miser was +called for, and he knew his time had come. He sent for the undertaker, +he bargained for his burial-- + +"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir--I'm poor, miserably poor. I want +but three carriages. My children may want a dozen--I say but _three_; +put that down. A very plain coffin; pine, stained will do, and no +ornaments, hark ye. A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms, +but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry me out! Now, +what will you ask for the job?" + +"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker. + +"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say fifteen dollars--give +me a receipt--_and I'll pay you the cash down!_" + +Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul had flown to its +resting-place in another world. + +In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the Neck," there lived, +some years ago, a wealthy old man, who resorted to sundry curious +methods to live without cost to himself. His house--one of the +handsomest mansions in the "South End," in its day--stood near the road +over which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market, with +their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old Gripes would be up +before day, and on the lookout for these wagons. + +"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to the countryman. + +"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages, turnips, +parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?" + +At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the vegetables, pocket +a potato, an onion, turnip, or-- + +"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures can't afford to +pay such prices as you ask; no, no--we must wait until they come down." +The old miser would sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and +the farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser, and lay in +ambush for another load, and thus, in course of a few hours, he would +raise enough vegetables to give his household a dinner. Another "dodge" +of this artful old dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of +course, a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then go +abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence, and when he +had four fourpences, get a quarter of a dollar for them, and thus in +getting a dollar, he made four per cent., by several hours' disgusting +meanness and labor. + +But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man had watched +him for some time purloining his vegetables, and on the first of the +year, sent in a bill of several dollars, for turnips, potatoes, +parsnips, &c. The old miser, of course, refused to pay the bill, denying +ever having had "the goods." But the countryman called, in _propria +persona_, refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill was not +footed on sight, he should prosecute him for _stealing!_ This made the +old miser shake in his boots. He blustered for awhile; then reasoned the +case; then plead poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man +to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him into his +sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young scamp, to go up stairs +and see if he could find five dollars in any of the drawers or boxes up +there. The young man finally called out-- + +"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, _the gold or silver_?" + +"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man--"the boy wants to let on I've got bags +of gold and silver!" + +And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold and silver; he +hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and tried to get off fifty +cents less than the countryman's bill; but the countryman was stubborn +as a mule, and would not abate a farthing--so the old miser had to +hobble up stairs and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole +operation was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking +out eye-teeth. + +The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not long after this, +he got a spurious dollar put upon him in one of his "exchanging" +operations, and that wound up his penny shaving. + +Time passed--Death called upon the wretched man of ingots and money +bags,--but while power remained to forbid it, the old miser refused to +have a physician. When, to all appearance, his senses were gone, his +friends drew the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had +always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours, and his +last illness--but as one of the attendants slowly removed the garment, +the poor old man, with a convulsive effort--a galvanic-like grab--threw +out his bony, cold hand, and seized his old pantaloons! + +The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words struggled in his +throat; he could not utter them; his jaw fell--he was dead! + +Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives to know what +could have caused the poor old man to cling to his time-worn pantaloons; +but the mystery was soon revealed--for upon examination of the linings +of the waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were there +concealed! + +The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such misguided and +wretched slaves of--money, say we. + + + + +Dog Day. + + +I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once +upon a time, when a Dutch _bottier_, in the city of Charleston, S. C., +put an end to my poor _Sue_,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull +terrier specimen of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My _Sue_ +got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating cordwainer and she +had a dispute--he, the bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver, +and--I was dogless! I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and +every man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the +luxury handsomely--to the city authorities. Some people have a great +weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex +of highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly +polished collar--following them through crowded thorough-fares. Some +young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing +lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the +disgust of the lookers-on--with all the fondness and blind infatuation +of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you see any +quantity of white and black _loafers_--Philadelphia, for instance, +you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says poverty and +oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters read _dogs_. +Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had +occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake, for hours at +a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any body the powder +that would blow him up--but has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law, +so judiciously practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever +had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and _nip_ out a patch of +your trowsers, boot top and calf--the size of an oyster, but has felt +for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal enmity to the whole +canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and +patent leathers--just as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly +forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his grief--like +a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand. + +The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are a +nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the "Spirit," and his thousand +and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary; +and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a +tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be. + +While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I heard +a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting gent from +the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not +particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier or +Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement in the +Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did, requesting the "fancy" to +bring along the right sort of dog to the Irving House, room number --. + +The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on Saturday. +There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the "Spirit" having +been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men +were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room number --had +scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a man and a dog. + +"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal. + +"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way, it +must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of fancy +dogs. + +"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added. + +"A greyhound, full blooded, sir." + +"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, he don't look as +though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister, +if he was full bellied--looks as hollow as a flute!" + +This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first +looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or +disgust, says he: + +"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir." + +"Well, what do you ask for him?" + +"Seventy-five dollars." + +"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?" + +"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: "you don't know a +hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!" +and the man and dog disappeared. + +The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before the +servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their specimens +along, and were invited to "step in." + +"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his +eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt. St. +Bernard. + +"That _is_ a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the dog merchant. + +"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman. + +"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought of getting about +fifty-five dollars for him, but I--" + +"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's enough--he won't +suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs." The man and dog left +growling, and the next man and dog were brought up. + +"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on it; +why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been scalded, +hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, examining the critter. + +"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the speaker, +"why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?" + +"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he looks +like a singed possum?" + +"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise for a +_dog_, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?" + +Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened it to +get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently "killed for +Keyser," rushed in with a pair of the +ugliest-looking--savage--snub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, "the fancy" +might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush at +the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty +perceptibly. + +"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid +o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty--day's de dogs, mister, vot you +read of!" + +"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly +brutes. + +"Fierce? Better believe dey are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see +'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?" + +"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; "they are not +exactly what I want," he continued. + +"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go for +to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down here, +for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds +and lam ye out o' yer boots!" + +Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent propositions +were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening the door and +ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see the +new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensued--both of Jakey's pups +lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared +perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his +own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave +them. Of course a dog fight is the _cue_ for a man fight, and in the wag +of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had a +dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing _a la_ "the fancy," when the sorrel +dog man--who, like his dog, was got up on a liberal scale of strength +and proportions--walked right into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him +in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room! +Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in bodily fear +than otherwise, and was making a break for the door, to clear himself, +when, to his horror and amazement, he found the entry beset by sundry +men and boys, and any quantity of dogs--dogs of every hue, size, and +description. At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their +equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs--another fight ensued +on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and some others, and then a stampede +of dogs--mixing up of dogs--tangling of ropes and straps--cursing and +hurraing, and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than +described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry--to say nothing of +the yelps of dogs, came out of their various rooms, and retired as +quickly, to escape the stray and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing, +yelping, and pitching all over the house! By judicious marshalling of +the servants--broom-sticks, rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their +various proprietors were ejected, and order once more restored; the +country sportsman seized his valise, paid his bills and "vamosed the +ranche," and ever after it was incorporated in the rules of the Irving, +that gentlemen are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while +"putting up" in that house. + + + + +Amateur Gardening. + + +"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this +Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one +morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of +his garden, to see where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots +were going to appear. + +"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. "Goldblossom +said they were the finest roots he ever sold--ought to be up and in +bloom--two months ago." + +"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, "that our Patrick, +one morning last Spring, was digging in the garden there, and he turned +up some things that looked just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked +at them, and thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left +undug when they moved away last winter!" + +"Well, you-a--" gasped Tapehorn. + +"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, and they were the +meanest tasting things we ever knew, and we gave them all to the pigs!" + +Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, and jamming +his fists down into his pockets, he walked into the house, muttering: + +"Tut, tut, tut!--thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of dahlias in the +world--_gone to the pigs!_" + + + + +The Two Johns at the Tremont. + + +It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and queer _contre +temps_ do not take place in the routine of human affairs, when we find +so _many_ persons floating about of one and the same name. It must be +shocking to be named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson, +but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that man's situation, who +has at the baptismal font received the title of _John Smith_? + +Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence of +fate--the meeting of two or three persons of the same name, or of great +similarity of name, to create the most singular and even ludicrous +circumstances and tableaux. One of these affairs came off at the Tremont +House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose Nova-Scotian--a +man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons" at home, doubtless, put up for a +few days at the Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a +genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers, took up his +quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment. + +Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets, linen, and +dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces, and was also a +politician, and "went on" for the part of magistrate, occasionally. John +Thomas was a retired wine-merchant, and, having netted a bulky fortune, +he took it into his head to _travel_, and as naturally as he despised, +and as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated +country of ours, he nevertheless condescended to come and look at us. + +Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas; one was "roomed" +in the north wing, the other in the south wing. Thomas Johns went out +and began reconnoitering among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas, +having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and beer, +laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three days in "hazing +around" the servants, and blaspheming American manners and customs. + +Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous Tremont +dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his door aroused him. + +"What are you--at?" growls John. + +"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants. + +"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John. + +"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to see you," says +the servant. + +"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated the "young man," +he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed into his lethargy, and the servant +whirled down into the rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the +gentleman desired. + +"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he might be a clerk +in an importing house. The young man left, in something of a high +dudgeon. + +"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second time, roused by the +servant's rat-tat-too. + +"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur." + +"Tell him to go to the d--!" and John snored again. + +"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns. + +"Mister _Thomas_ did yez mane, zur?" + +"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose; Thomas +Johns," says the gentleman. + +"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant. + +"Well, what did he say?" + +"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us, zur; he says yez +may go to the divil!" + +"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how--invite a gentleman to dine with +him, and then meet him with such language as that. The infernal 'blue +nose,' I'll pull it, I'll tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and +off went "the gentleman," hot as No. 6. + +"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering another +inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas Johns, the carriage driver was not +certain which. + +"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going fur to take +till himself, and didn't want any callers." Reaching John's door, he +began his tattoo. + +"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John, partly up and dressed. + +"The carriage is here, zur." + +"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet. + +"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the _number_, if ye plaze." + +"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number? Go tell the +carriage----" + +"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation of the +command. + +"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait." + +The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering-- + +"Ah, some of their _haccommodations_, I expect; these American +landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild woods 'ere, do +manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations; ha, but they'll +take care to look hout for the dollars. I don't know, tho', these +fellers 'ere appear tolerably clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose, +and see some of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! _Lions!_ I wonder what +they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!" + +Getting through his toilet--and it takes an Englishman as long to fix +his stiff cravat and that _stiffer_ and stauncher shirt-collar, and rub +his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out _tout ensemble_, to say nothing of +the gallons of water and dozens of towels he uses up in the +operation--John found the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but +jumped in. + +"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?" says the +driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them. + +"No; drive off--where are you going to drive me?" + +"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for." + +"Humph! Some of the _battle-grounds_, I suppose," John grunts to +himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and the coach drives +off. + +Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the house, +consequently he was not known to the servants, and very little known to +the clerks. John Thomas was another person--he was all fuss and +feathers. He kept his bell ringing, and the servants rushing for towels +and water, water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English +papers, maps of America, &c., without cessation. He was John Thomas and +Thomas Johns, one and indivisible. + +John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than ever; and by +the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets and huge shawls about his +burly neck, he was telegraphed by a servant to come down; there was a +gentleman below on business with him. John foreswore business, but the +gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose. His +unmistakable _mug_ told he was "an officer." + +"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!" said +the presenter, peremptorily. + +John was thunderstruck. + +"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath. + +"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith & Brown's, for Nova Scotia. The +bill was to be paid this morning, as you agreed, but you told the clerk +to go to the d--l! Won't do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or +you must go with me!" + +John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was some infernal +Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started for the clerk's office, +below, to have some explanation. As John and the officer reached the +rotunda, a gentleman steps up behind John, and gives his nose a +first-rate _lug_. They clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed, +and John and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose puller +discovered he had the wrong man by the nose! + +"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller. + +"Blast you, no!" + +"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't Johns?" says a +man with a bill for the carriage hire. + +"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive, and sharp after the +dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful. My name's John Thomas, from +Lun'un, bound back again in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing +against _me_?" + +Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation ensued, John was +relieved of his embarrassment, and all were finally satisfied, except +John Thomas, who, venting a few bottles of his spleen on every body and +all things--Americans especially--took to his bed and beer, and snorted +for a week. + + + + +The Yankee in a Boarding School. + + +"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went around pedlin' +notions, I met many queer folks; some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy, +they wouldn't let a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and +gates, _bang_ into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a +pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human critters, so pesky +poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a fourpence till it'd squeal like +a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do _swow_, I've met some critters so dog-ratted +mean, that ef you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it +with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls afore +mornin'!" + +"Massy sakes!" responded the squire. + +"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler. + +"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe another 'charge,' +and lighting up for the yarn Absalom Slamm had promised the gals, soon +as the quilt was out and refreshments were handed around. + +"Go on, Ab--let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with the school marm +and her gals." + +"Wall, I _will_, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound and squat; +take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep deth-ly still. Wall; neow, +yeou all sot? Hain't none o' ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess; +wall, no matter, tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at +others, 'taint." + +"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire. + +"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o' yeou ever been +in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter a cent; as I was agoin' to +say, I had hard, hard luck one season--got clean busted all tew smash! +O-o-o! it was _dre-a-a-dful times_; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson +clapped his _we-toe_ on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall, yeou see, +I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died, the sun and rain beat up +my wagon, I sold eout my notions tew a feller that paid me all in +ceounter-fit money, and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to +undiskivered kedn'try. + +"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to dew somethin', +instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber; and as I layed stretched eout +in bed one Sunday morning, in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among +the old stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'! +As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen, I felt my sperrets +raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I beounced, like a pea in a hot +skillet. Deown I goes to Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to +death in her Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her +darn'd ole skin ceould heould in. + +"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou deon't want tew +sell nor nuthin', dew ye?' + +"'_Ab Slamm_,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip joints, and as +the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin' at me, 'right face,' +she spread herself like a clapboard. 'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth +possesses yeou to talk o' tradin' on the Sabbath?' + +"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so 'beout it; I guess +a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin' or breakin' the Sabbath all +tew smash, either! Neow,' says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in +the cockloft, where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou, +and one article I see I want to trade fur.' + +"Wall, we didn't trade _'zactly_. Marm Smith, yeou see, got +dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time--wouldn't let her gals draw ther +breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up in the cellar every Sunday. +Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday, +but she sed I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got the +instrument, _any heow_." + +"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire. + +"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals. + +"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied, rather +choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the gist of his information into +small chunks, and so make it the more _telling_ and comparatively +interesting. + +"When I got the _instrument_, and paid Marm Smith my board bill, I wer +in possession of a cash capital of jest three fo'pences. I took my +jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, cleaned it off, then wrapped +the different sections up in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller +trunk, and dug eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of +everybody I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. My +cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as a flute, and my +old trunk had worn a hole clean through the shoulder o' my best Sunday +coat. I put up, and sez I tew the landlord: + +"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?' + +"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he. + +"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I. + +"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he. + +"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I. + +"'What's 't fur?' sez he. + +"'For the wimen,' sez I. + +"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho' he'd seen a flock +o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?' + +"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming up at the +insin-i-wa-tion. + +"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, _any heow_?' sez he. + +"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up and told him +the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful _instrument_ I had for the +ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I wanted to sheow it before some o' +the female sim-i-nar-ries, and give a lectoor on't. + +"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the spot; three miles +up the road is the great _Jargon Institoot_, 'spressly for young ladies, +wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic, French scollopin', and High-tall-ion +curlycues; dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the +use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries chuck'd in.' + +"'Yeou deon't _say_ so?' sez I. + +"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen me make streaks fur +the Jargon Institoot. + +"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller all starch'd up, +lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the door. I axed if the marm were in. +Then he wanted tew kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm +of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,' sez he. 'You +be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know, mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in +_keards_--never did, nuther!' + +"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown the head marm. It +weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful +pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and +beow'd and cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business to +her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel-- + +"'In furrin pearts?' sez she. + +"'Yes,' sez I--'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. 'It was well +known to the wimen and ladies o' the past gin-i-rations,' sez I. + +"'The an-shants?' sez she. + +"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment +or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed +instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or +treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the +great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up +dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and +put before the people--the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler--so that +every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it--exercise her hands, +strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment, +and so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as well as +or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it +lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music, +it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked +and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed to buy one +of my machines _straight_ fur use of her _Institoot_--each school-gal to +'put in' by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40, +and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer +there; the _puss_ wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with +curiosity to see my wonderful _hand-limberer, arm-strengthener, +chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine!_ When +they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death! +When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started +it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played +'em _old hund'erd_, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she'd +have one made _straight!_ O-o-o! yeou'd a died to seen the excitement +that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my +ortergraff, and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, a +confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o' the Jargon +Institoot, kem in, and the moment she clapped her ole eyes on my +inwention, she roared reight eout, 'O! de _Lud_, ef dar ain't one de ole +Virginny _spinnin' wheels!_' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else +'beout that time! I took with a leaving!" + + + + +A Dreadful State of Excitement. + + +A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful +"heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a different sensation +from that which their "bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The +statement made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse being +actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a roaring and hissing +locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance," which though it did not +exactly _do our knitting_, it came precious near the climax! + +Some years ago, upon what was then considered the "frontier" of +Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a "game leg," in consequence of +a performance of a bullet-headed mule that we were endeavoring to coerce +at the end of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to +which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles from our +"lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary pop, boots, hats, +gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &c., &c., and the post office. +About three times a week, we used to hobble down to this modern ark, to +read the news, see what was going on down in the world, and--pass a few +hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to be a man with +whom we had had a former acquaintance "in other climes." Well, one day, +we dropped down to the store, and found pretty much all the men +folks--and they were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins +being rather scattering--getting ready to go down the river (Missouri) +some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado "stretch hemp." My friend +Captain V----, the storekeeper, was about to go along too, and proposed +that we should mount and accompany him, or--stay and tend store. We +accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling kelter, and +had no taste for performances on the tight rope. Having officiated for +Captain V---- on several former occasions, we had the run of his +"grocery" and _postal_ arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge +of all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and his +friends started, promising a return before sunset. + +One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called for his +newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of hours with us--put +out, and was succeeded by two squalid Indians, with some skins to trade +for corn juice and tobacco; they cleared out, and about two or three P. +M., some _movers_ came along; we had a little dicker with them, and that +closed up the business accounts of the day. + +Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of the post +office--seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!--to the crackers +and cheese, and business being essentially stagnated, we ups and lies +down upon the top of the counter, to take a nap. Captain V----'s store +was a log building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the +woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except the +schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and at that time--"in +coventry." Captain V---- was a bachelor; he boarded--that is, he took +his meals at the nearest house--half a mile back from the wood, and +slept in his store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of +Morpheus, and--slept. It was fine mild weather--September, and, of +course, the door was wide open. How long we slept we were not at all +conscious, but were aroused by a heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake +by the shoulder, and in a rather sepulchral voice says-- + +"How are you?" + +Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited by dreams of +southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and other nightmare affairs, and +as we opened our eyes and caught a glimpse of the double-fisted, +cadaverous fellow standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into +a cold sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark in the +store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky. + +Captain V---- did a considerable trade at his store, and at times had +considerable sums of money laying around. Upon leaving in the morning, +he notified us, in case we should require _change_, to look into the +desk, where he kept a shot bag of silver coin, and--his pistols. + +"How are you?" the words and manner and looks of the man gave us a cold +chill. + +"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same time sliding down +behind the counter. The stranger had a heavy walking stick in his hand, +and a knapsack looking bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the +rough remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled somewhere +where barbers, washer-women and such like civilian delicacies, were more +matters of tradition than fact. + +"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued. + +"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory in our +mind, and no reason to, for night was now closing in, and we were going +through our performances by the slight illumination of the stars, +without any positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder +box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light upon the +lugubrious state of affairs. + +"Do you keep this store?" + +"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he put his bundle down +upon the counter. + +"Who does?" was the next question. + +"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day." + +"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?" + +We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought to ourself, no +doubt you know all that's going on of that sort of business like a book, +and a host of other ideas flashed across our mind, while all the evil +deeds of note transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed +awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system, until the +coon skin cap upon our excited head stood upon about fifteen hairs, with +the strange and overwhelming impression that our time had come! We would +have given the State of Missouri--if it were in our possession, to have +heard Captain V----'s voice, or even have had a fair chance to dash out +at the door, and give the fellow before us a specimen of tall +walking--lame as we were! + +"Ain't you got a _light_? I'd think you'd be a little timid (a _little_ +timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark, too?" said the +fellow, sticking one hand into his coat pocket, and gazing sharply +around the store. Mock heroically says we-- + +"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres', oozing out at our +fingers. + +"These outlaws you've got around here," said he. "They say the man they +hanged to-day was a decent fellow to what some are, who prowl around in +this country!" + +We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us." + +"Do you sleep in this store--live here?" + +"No, sir, we don't," was our answer. + +"Where do you lodge and get your eating?" + +"First house up the road." + +"How far is it?" says he. + +"Half a mile or less." + +"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!" says the fellow. + +Now we were coming to the _tableaux!_ He wanted us to step outside in +order that the business could be done for us, with more haste and +certainty, and we really felt as good as assassinated and hid in the +bushes! It was quite astonishing how our visual organs intensified! We +could see every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost +count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and the keener +and more searching became our observation, the more atrocious and subtle +became the fellow and his purpose. With a firmness that astonished +ourself, we said-- + +"_No, Sir_; if _you_ have business there or elsewhere, you had better +_go!_" and with this determined speech, we walked up to the desk, and +with the air of a "man of business" or the nonchalance of a hero, says +we-- + +"What are you after--have you any business with _us_?" + +"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing this +State,--_wouldn't you like to subscribe for a first-rate map of +Missouri_, OR A NEW EDITION OF JOSEPHUS?" + +We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found a light, and soon +found in the stranger one of the best sort of fellows, a man of +information and morality, and, though he had _looked_ dangerous, he +turned out harmless as a lamb, and we got intimate as brothers before +Captain V---- returned that night. + + + + +Ralph Waldo Emerson. + + +Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted +more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH +WALDO EMERSON. + +Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of +using the old style phrases for illustrating facts, we call travelling +preachers perambulating showmen, and floating politicians, _lecturers_. + +As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively known around these +parts; but whether his lectures come under the head of law, logic, +politics, Scripture, or the show business, is a matter of much +speculation; for our own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the +more we don't know what it's all about. + +Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or expression, +Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety or fame--and many +compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle. They cannot trace exactly any great +affinity between these two great geniuses of the flash literary school. +Carlyle writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always speaks +when he says something; on the contrary, our flighty friend Ralph speaks +vigorously, yet says nothing! Of all men that have ever stood and +delivered in presence of "a reporter," none surely ever led these +indefatigable knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the +verdant and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph Waldo Emerson. +In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed in his art, catches a sentence +of a speaker, and goes on to fill it out upon the most correct +impression of what was intended, or what is implied. But no such +license follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can fathom +his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his finished sentences. +We have known "old stagers," in the newspaporial line, veteran +reporters, so dumbfounded and confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and +his grand and lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their +hat and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt to +"take down" Mr. Emerson. + +If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a donkey heath, +straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in the land of Ophir, +shedding an odor balmy as the gales of Arabia; while with a facility the +wonderful London auctioneer Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a +lime-box, or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the +romance, artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house, or +Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco, surrounded by elfin +bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles. + +Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties of Webster, +Walker, &c., but rushes them out in torrents--rattles them down in +cataracts and avalanches--bewildering, astounding, and incomprehensible. +He hits you upon the left lug of your knowledge box with a metaphor so +unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone--and before it is +recovered, he gives you another _rhapsody_ on t'other side, and as you +try to steady yourself, _bim_ comes another, heavier than the first two, +while a fourth batch of this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over +the eyes, giving you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses, +and before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you--_cobim!_ with a +deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied Anglo Saxon, settling +your hash, and brings you to the ground by the run, as though you were +struck by lightning, or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is death +and an entire _stud_ of pale horses on flowery expressions and +japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those knock-kneed, antique, +or crooked and twisted words we used all of us to puzzle our brains over +in the days of our youth, and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He +has a penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for +mystification, and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and +unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by the clock of +Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of _argumentum ad hominem_ of +Mr. Emerson's--at what? A boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of +the five hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no more +have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation, than they +could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of Thebes, or the sarcophagus of +old King Pharaoh! When Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May +morn--he may talk for five minutes, like a book--we mean a +common-sensed, understandable book; but all of a sudden the fluid will +strike him--up he goes--down he fetches them. He throws a double +somerset backwards over Asia Minor--flip-flaps in Greece--wings +Turkey--and _skeets_ over Iceland; here he slips up with a flower +garden--a torrent of gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country +parson's moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury and +fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his sweet-scented +receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses four seconds; pointing to +vacuum, over the heads of his audience, he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do +you see that?" Of course the audience are not expected to be so +unmannerly as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not give them +time to "go in," for after asking them if they see _that_, he +continues-- + +"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now, then; here--there; see +it! Note it! Watch it!" + +During this time, half of the audience, especially the old women and the +children, look around, fearful of the ceiling falling in, or big bugs +lighting on them. But the pause is for a moment, and anxiety ceases when +they learn it was only a false alarm, only-- + +"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete malformation +of society!" + +You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on. + +"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous amentum of--society! +The mental varioloid of this sublunary hemisphere! One of its worst +feelings or features is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves +sickness, because actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All +cultivated men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But they are +still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of every place. In +Boston you hear and see a few, so in New York; then you may as well die. +Life is very narrow. Bring a few men together, and under the spell of +one calm genius, what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is +the suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be a +charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses his balance, +and puts him among his equals. It is a poor compliment always to talk +with a man upon his _specialty_, as if he were a cheese-mite, and was +therefore strong on Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out +of his molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for those +fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance is worth loss of +geniality. That unhappy man called of genius, is an unfortunate man. +Nature always carries her point despite the means!" + +If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled, knock-kneed logic, or +_au fait_ dexterity in concocting flap-doodle mixtures, you're ahead of +ordinary intellect as far as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin +and bitters, or opium discourses on--delirium tremens! + +In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject in more mystery and +science of language than ever a defunct Egyptian received at the hands +of the mummy manufacturers! In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing +sort of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty years of age, +and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer, he would have been the +horror of jurors and judges; as a lecturer, he is, as near as possible, +what we have described him. + + + + +Humbug. + + +There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than +half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, when we +address a letter to a fellow we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps +don't care a continental cent for him; _dear_ sir! what a humbug +expression! "Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he meets another +_one_, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a disagreeable wet day!" What's +the use of such a humbug expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and +stormy day, every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people +who appear solicitous about your _health_, display a gratuitous amount +of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved than your health; and we +have often wondered why matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when +they meet, and say--"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're out +of _money!_" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet, why not discard +humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you--was blackguarding you all day!" +instead of "Glad to see you--have been _thinking_ of you to-day!" or, +"I'm glad to see you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact +they mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments +_pass_, they say, when _gentlemen_ meet, but, as there are so many +counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may bet high that half the +_compliments_ that _pass_ are--_mere bogus!_ + + + + +Hotel Keeping. + + +Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by +Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great many +people, who stop in a large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after +eating about two meals out of six--walking in quietly and walking out +quietly--no fuss, no feathers, find themselves _taxed_ four or five +dollars! + +We have had occasion to know something of travel and travellers, hotels, +hotel-keepers and their bills, and it _has_ now and then entered our +head that money was or could be made--in the hotel business. We _have_ +stopped in houses where we honestly concluded--we got our money's worth, +and we have again had reason to believe ourselves grossly shaved, in a +"first-class" hotel, at two dollars a day--all hurry-scurry, poked up in +the cock-loft, mid bugs, dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better +than a Dutch tavern in fly time. + +We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool impudence and +clamor had a most mollifying effect upon landlord and his _attaches_, +the tinsel and mere electrotypes passing for real bullion, galvanized +_hums_ by their noise and pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for +the same _price_--than the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer. + +Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself and scores +of others, paying two dollars and a half per diem, got what we could +catch, while Kossuth, and a score of his followers, fared and were +favored like princes of a monarchical realm--"though all _dead heads!_" + +Hotels now-a-days must be _showy_, abounding in tin foil, Dutch metal +and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern improvements"--mere clap-trap, +and as foreign to the solid comforts of solid people, as icebergs to +Norwegians or "east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they +would be quite deserted; men will pay for this _show_, must pay for it, +and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets, life-size mirrors, +ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to kitchen, _draw well_, and those +who indulge in the dance, must pay the piper. + +The fact is, most people understand these things about as well as we do, +and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype of a _few customers_ +which landlords or their clerks and servants now and then meet. The +conductor of one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly +piquant and matter-of-fact picture of _his_ experience, that we _up_ and +copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see some information +and amusement in the subject. + +A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a little tour, +he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or two, and--comes to town. +He's no green horn--O! no, he ain't, he has been around some--he has, +and knows a thing or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the +cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is assailed by +vociferous _whips_ who, in quest of stray dimes, watch the incoming +_trains_ and shout and bawl-- + +"Eh 'up! Tremont House!" + +"Up--_a!_ American House--right away!" + +"Ha! _up!_ Right off for the Revere!" + +"Here's the coach--already for the United States!" + +"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all ready for the +Winthrop House!" + +"Eh 'up, _ha!_ now we are off, for the Pavilion!" + +"Exchange Coffee House--dollar a day, four meals, no extra charge--right +along this way, sir!" + +"Hoo-_ray_, this coach--take you right up, Exchange Hotel!" + +"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up--right off, best +house in town, hot supper waitin'--way for the Adams House!" + +And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend, having heard of +the tall arrangements and great doings of the _American_, he hands +himself over to the coachman, and with a load of others he is rolled +over to that institution, in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took +down" at the idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that +that was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a going to look +small or verdant; so he pays the coachman, grabs his valise, and rushes +into the long colonnaded office; and making his way to the _register_, +slams down his baggage, and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says-- + +"A room!" + +"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks--who may be +officiating. + +"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command. + +"Certainly, sir--please register your name, sir!" + +Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down goes his autograph, +Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H. + +"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he. + +"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel. + +"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy. + +"Certainly, sir!" + +"Eggs, poached, and a--hot roll!" + +"They'll be all ready, sir." + +"How soon?" + +"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen at the same +time. + +"Ah, well--show me my room!" says Captain Fussy. + +The bells are ringing--servants running to and fro, like witches in a +whirlwind; fifty different calls--tastes--orders and fancies, are being +served, but Capt. Fussy is attended to, a servant seizes his valise and +a taper, and in the most winning way, cries-- + +"This way, sir, _right along!_" With a measured tread and the air of a +man who knew what it was all about, the Captain follows the _garcon_ and +mounts one flight of the broad stairs, and is about to ascend another, +when it strikes him that he's not going up to the top of the house, +nohow! + +"Where are you going to take me to--up into the garret?" + +"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the third floor!" + +"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take _me_ up into the third story?" + +"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir," says the +servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering-- + +"Pooty doin's this, taking a _gentleman_ up three of these cussed long +stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will; mus'n't come no gammon +over me; I'm able to pay, and want the worth of my money!" + +The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering along the +halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and Capt. Fussy is +ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with the carpets, +furniture, bedding or something, but as he had never probably seen such +a general arrangement for ease, comfort and convenience--he caved in and +merely gave a deep-toned-- + +"_Ah._ Got better rooms than this, ain't you?" + +"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not many," said the +servant. + +"Well, you may go--but stop--how soon'll my supper be ready?" + +"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir." + +"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a "bull's eye" +watch, with as much flourish as if it was a premium eighteen-_carat +lever_. "Well, call me when you've got supper ready, do you hear?" + +"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong." + +"The gong--what's that? Ain't you got no bells?" + +"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant. + +"_Ah_, well, clear out--but say, I want a fire in here." + +"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman." + +"A fireman? What do I want with _firemen_? Bring in some wood, and, +stranger--start up--a hello! thunder and saw mills, what's all that +racket about--house a-fire?" + +"No, _sir!_" says the grinning servant--"the _gong_--supper's on the +table!" + +"_Ah_, very well; go ahead; where's the room?" + +Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch at the +wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery" and cutlery, +mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A seat is offered him, he dumps +himself down, amazed but determined to look and act like one used to +these affairs, from the hour of his birth! + +"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs--hain't you got 'em?" + +"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs are at hand. + +"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires. + +"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate--hain't you got chocolate?" + +"Oh, yes, sir; there it is." + +"_Ah_, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose slightly up, at +the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak, eggs, chocolate, +and--even the tempting hot rolls--before him. + +Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's fried oysters +on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy frowns and asks for a +lobster salad, which the waiter informs him is never used at supper, in +that hotel. + +Eventually, Capt. Fussy being _crammed_, after an hour's diligent +feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of questions about +people and places, at the _office_; what time trains start and steamers +come, omnibuses here and stages there, all of which he is politely +answered, of course, and he finally goes to his room, rings his bell +every ten minutes, for an hour, and then--goes to bed; next day puts the +servants and clerks over another course, and on the third day--calls for +his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over a _five_, puts on his +gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely dignified and stalks out, big +as two military officers in regimentals! + +"_Ah_," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "_I_ put 'em through--_I +guess I got the worth of my money!_" + +We calculate he did! + + + + +"According to Gunter." + + +Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey +on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of being +icy, and down he came--_kerchug!_ A "young lady" coming along, +fidgetting and finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite _ricochet_, +on seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive attempts to +"riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew his own weakness, and saw +the difficulty with the "young lady;" so making a very determinate +effort to get on his pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice, +and says he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself out of +th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux--"young lady" quick-step, and +Gunter playing all-fours in the _mud!_ + + + + +Quartering upon Friends. + + +City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no +great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may +"let on" to the contrary. + +In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated, +oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to bake, parboil, or give +the "citizens" the yellow fever, then we are very apt to think of plain +Aunt Polly, rough-hewed Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed, +smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural homes, amid +the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods; the cool, silver streams and +murmuring brooks of the glorious country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and +moonshine of fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the +glories and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested the +ruraldom. + +Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly so, to have their +city friends come and see them--not merely pop visits, but bring your +whole family, and stay a month! This they may do, and will do, and can +afford it, as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm, to +_quarter_ a platoon of your friends than to perform the same operation +in the city, where it is apt to give your purse the tick-dollar-owe in +no time. + +It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot summer, that Mrs. +Triangle one morning said to her stewing husband, who was in no wise +troubled with a surplus of the circulating medium-- + +"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children well and quiet +through this dreadful hot weather. We must go into the country. The +Joneses and Pigwigginses and Macwackinses, and--and--everybody has gone +out into the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?" + +"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who just then was deeply +absorbed in a problem as to whether or not, considering the prices of +coal, potatoes, house-rents, leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up +in prison or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question, and to +his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense, Triangle +responded-- + +"Why can't we?" + +"Yes, that's what I'd like to know--why can't _we_?" + +"We _can't_, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord and master. + +Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went on to give Mr. T. a +Caudle lecture half an hour long, winding up with one of those +time-honored perquisites of the female sex--a good cry. + +Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his bake-oven of an +"office," to plan business and smoke his cigar. Triangle came home to +tea, and saw at a glance that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was +to be "compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather would +be his domicile for the balance of the season. Triangle thought it over, +as he nibbled his toast and sipped his hot Souchong. + +"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting himself upon the +"hind legs" of his chair--"business is very dull, the weather is +intolerable, I know you and the children would be much benefitted by a +trip into the country--why can't we go?" + +"Why can't we?--that's what I'd like to know!" was the ready response of +Mrs. T. + +"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place in the country as +ever was, anywhere; he has asked me again and again to come down in the +summer, and bring all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted +to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant." + +Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her temper were +dispersed, and like people "cut out for each other," Triangle and his +wife sat and planned the details of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm. +Frederic Antonio Gustavus was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and +breeches. Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted out in Polka +boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes, with an entire invoice of +handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons, gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little +Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and _the baby_, Henry Rinaldo +Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's pockets, with +any quantity of "fuss and feathers," Mrs. Triangle pronounced the +caravan ready to move. But just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the +maid-of-all-work, who was to accompany them on the expedition as +supervisor of the children, threw up her engagement. + +"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes the counthry, +at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm, wid yez!" + +Here was a go--or rather a "no go!" Triangle had bought tickets for all, +and ordered the carriage at four; it was now three P. M., of a hot, +roasting day. It would be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without +a girl; so poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence +Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity awaiting a +market for their time and labor, Triangle selected a stout, hearty Irish +_blonde_, warranted perfect, capable, kind, honest, and the Lord only +knows how many virtues the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not +swear belong to one of their stock in trade. + +Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish maiden, swinging a +bundle in one hand and a flaring _bandanna_ in the other, following +after her patron with a duck-waddle; and finally the carriage came; all +got in but Triangle, who started on foot to the depot, carrying his +double-barrelled gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced in +believing was a full-blooded _setter_, though the best posted +dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard cur and a +sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and commotion--on the part +of Triangle, about the dog, tickets and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle, +about the children, satchels, her new gown, and the sleepy Irish +girl--they found themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three +hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of Jingo Hall, +where they found the "private conveyance" of the proprietor of Jingo +Hill Farm waiting to carry them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and +bobtail, to Jingo Hall. + +The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk up, stretch his +legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop at the game. But, alas, for +the villanous dog; no sooner had he got loose and scampered off up the +road, than he sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and +away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and poor Triangle +after his dog. + +"Hay! you Ponto--here--hay--Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy, come here, you dog--hi! +hi!--do you hear-r-r?" + +But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he came up with a +lamb, and before Triangle could come to the rescue, Ponto had opened the +campaign by killing sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in +wrath he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence of the +dog, but compromised the matter by hitting him a whack across the back +with the barrels of his shooting-iron; in doing so, he broke off the +stock, clean as a whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle _was_ +mad; that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that his fury so +alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and went--as Triangle +hoped--anywhere, head foremost. + +[Illustration: "With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid +down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful +craturs.'"--_Page_ 169.] + +With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out and disgusted +with things as far as he had got, Triangle reached Jingo Hall, where he +met the warm welcome of his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated +his good humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's +"well-stocked" _wine-cellar_. Ashamed of the facts of the case, Triangle +trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the dog and gun. + +After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the first day or two +passed without anything extraordinary turning up, if we may except the +upturning of several flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But +the third day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one of the +Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish hostler had caught him, +tied him up in the stable, and given him such a dressing that Ponto's +soul-case was nearly beaten out of him! + +The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody rushed out--Mrs. +Triangle in her excitement, lest something had happened to "baby," and +Nora, the girl, struck the centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not +only demolished that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough +thick oil over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to +make a barrel of soft soap. + +The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She had been sauntering +through the garden, and ran against the bee-hives, when a bee up and at +her. With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby" +upon the grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of +course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds, and was +stung in as many places by the pugnacious "divils." Nora was done for. +She went to bed; "baby" was found all right, laughing "fit to break its +yitty hearty party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very +naturally expressed it. + +These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax, when in rushed +Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious apron full of "birds he +killed in the yard, down by the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor +Mrs. Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the country had +been exterminated by the chivalrous young Triangle, and in the bloom of +his heroic act he dropped the dead game at the feet of his +horror-stricken mother, and astonished father, and the Jingos. + +That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter suffocation +manifested itself in a general and alarming cholera-morbus among the +junior Triangles, and the whole house was up in arms. + +In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's chamber. A huge +bat had got into her room, and so alarmed her, that she yelled worse, +louder, and longer than seven evil ones. + +It was a night of horror to the whole family--to everybody in and about +Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl; the children bawled, cried, and took +on; the Irish girl screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and +"lollypops," the de'il to pay and no pitch hot. + +Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not been Sunday, +he would have packed up and put back for the prosy office and stagnated +quietude of the city. But it was Sunday, and after the children, Irish +girl, and dogs had been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the +door, and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles, +rolled off to meeting. + +Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of dressing "the +babies," &c.; and after the service was over, poor Triangle was taken +aside by a tall, bony man, who reported himself in no very ceremonious +manner as the proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one +rare lamb killed--"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft impeachment, +and "compromised" for a V. + +Returned to Jingo Hall, another _coup d'etat_ all around the lot had +broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle had disappeared. The +baby, Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the +grove and dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to +her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans issuing from +Nora's attic, it was not _on-possible_ that she was sick as she could +be. A general search took place for Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while +Maj. Jingo mounted a horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a +doctor for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and--Nora +Dougherty. + +A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor _tried_ Triangle that she was +a case--of small-pox. + +Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the village +Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things looked gloomy enough. +Triangle felt "chawed up," and wished he had been roasted alive in the +city before venturing upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to +perform, and he determined to put it through. + +"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"---- + +"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow--no trouble to us." + +"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major, the fact is, +I--a--you've got a large family"---- + +"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more about it." + +"But to have the--a--the--small-pox"---- + +"What?" gasped the Major--"the--a"---- + +"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle. + +"Small-pox! Who? Where?" + +"Our Irish girl--up stairs--awful!" + +"O, good Lord! Irish--up stairs--small-pox!" reiterated the really +alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall. + +"I wouldn't have"--said Triangle. + +"The small-pox in my house"--echoed Jingo. + +"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately exclaimed +Triangle. + +"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a greater dread of +small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!" + +"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle. + +"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the Major, pacing up +and down, in great _furore_. + +"That's best, Major; go move her, at once." + +"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo. + +"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle. + +"Who? Why, you, of course." + +"Me?" exclaimed Triangle--"me? endanger my life, and the lives of all my +family--me? No, sir, I'll--I'll--I'll be hanged if I do!" + +"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he came trotting up +to the front veranda, where Triangle and Jingo were discussing the +transportation of small-pox-- + +"Blur a' nouns--the dog's loose!" + +"Curse the dog!" said the Major. + +"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!" + +"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle. + +"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror. + +"O, too bad--horrible--wish I'd never seen"---- + +"Get your gun, quick--come on!" cried the Major. + +"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O! that I had shot the +blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!" + +"Come on--never mind--seize a club, fork, or anything, and hunt around +for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of our people, horses, or cattle." +And away ran the Major, with a bit of stick about the size of a +fence-rail. Paddy made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew +around to hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a +summer-house. + +Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had introduced the +small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted away; but, conquering her +weakness, she ordered the carriage, and bundled herself and four +children into it, so full of terror and alarm that she never so much as +said--"Take care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned, after +a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and just as he entered the +hall, the Irish girl came rushing down stairs, crying-- + +"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail, entirely, wid dese pains +in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!" + +One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the girl put the +Major to his _taps_; and stopping but a moment to tell Triangle to make +out the best he could, he left. + +Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles _vamosed_. The poor girl +having recovered from her attack of the bees, which had led to the alarm +of small-pox, looked quite respectable. Never did a party enjoy _home_ +more completely than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy +horror of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors from +the city. + + + + +Jake Hinkle's Failings. + + +In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient +sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob +Hinkle,--commonly called _Old Jake Hinkle_. Jake was, originally, a +Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was about +_as_ Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well make a human "critter." +Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or had squatted on, a small patch of land, just +beyond old Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of the +"Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every thundering fool out +West knows, empties itself into--"Big Paint," which finally rolls out +into the Muskingum, and thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled +the geographical position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state what +kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about that he was pronounced +dead, one cold morning, and how he came up to town and denied the +assertion. + +Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do in the interior +of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved _corn_, but loved corn whiskey more, and +this love, many a time, brought Jake up to "the Court House" of +Washington, through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug, +and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more honored in the breach +than in the observance, perhaps, for grog shops of the village to play +all sorts of fantastic tricks upon old codgers who come up to town, or +down to town, hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the +"critters" stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer. +The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn it loose, +and let it go home. Of course, _that_ horse is not soon seen in the +village again, as a horse with a shored tail is about the meanest thing +to look at, except a singed possum, or a dandy--you ever did see. + +One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came down to the +"Court House," hitched his horse to the Court Square fence, and made a +straight bend for Sanders' "Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's +tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn juice, +could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter into a field of +broom corn. Jake talked and talked, and drank and talked, and about +midnight, the cocks crowing, the stars winking and blinking, and the +wind nipping and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and +others that he was going to shut up the concern, and the crowd must be +"putting out." Jake made a break for his nag, but she was gone. "Why," +says Jake, "she's broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall +walk,"--and off Jake put, through the cold and mud. + +Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along between old Marm +Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle Snake Fork of Paint, the driver +discovered poor old Jake laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor +old Jake! Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake was an +inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that, and certain young +"fellers" who had shaved the tail of Jake's mare the night previous, and +set her loose, now felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the +"Argus of Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning "nip," +heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" Jake's obituary +notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, and then put his paper to +press; that afternoon, the whole edition, of some two hundred copies, +were distributed around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake +Hinkle was pronounced stone dead--_pegged out!_ + +Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud and sweat, came +rushing into Washington. He paused not, nor turned not right or left, +until he found the office of the "Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in, +and confronting the editor, he spluttered forth:-- + +"You der printer of dish paper,--der noosh paper?" + +"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking a little wild. + +"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make me deat?" + +"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor. + +"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he--"You'n tell de people I diet; +_it's a lie!_ And do you neber do it again, and fool de peeples, _witout +you git a written order from me!_" + +That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the funeral before he +recorded an obituary notice. + + + + +What's Going to Happen. + + +In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an +invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fifty years, +copper-plate, steel-plate, lithography, and other fine engravings, will +be multiplied for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now +infantile art of _Daguerreotyping_. A passage to California will then be +accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and electricity; or, +perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian holes, _clean through the +earth!_ The arts of agriculture and horticulture will produce hams ready +roasted, natural pies, baked with all sorts of _cookies_. About that +time, a man may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's +worth at last--for soap fat! + + + + +The Washerwoman's Windfall. + + +Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle +States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the widow of a +lost sea captain; and as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases, +with a family of children to provide for,--the father and husband cut +off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a stone's cast from +indigence,--the mother, to keep grim poverty from famishing her hearth +and desolating her home, took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child, +a boy of some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the largest +hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces of the gentlemen's +apparel, and carried them to his mother. They were done up, and returned +by the lad again. + +It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the poor--travel was +slack, and few and far between were the poor widow's receipts from her +drudgery. + +"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her small fire, +"to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of wood, pound of meal, nor +dollar in the world, to provide food or warmth for my children over +Sunday." + +"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the eldest boy, "that +gentleman who gave me the half dollar for going to the bank for him, +last week,--you know him we washed for at the United States Hotel,--said +he was to be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so I +will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another errand for me, or +some money--he's got so much money in his trunk!" + +"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought of it," said +the poor woman. + +Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, the strange +gentleman had arrived again. He appeared somewhat bothered, but quickly +gathering up some of his soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade +him tell his mother to wash and return them that evening by all means. + +"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son delivered the +message. "My dear child, I have neither fire to dry them, nor money to +procure the necessary fuel." + +"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell the gentleman you +can't dry them in time for him?" + +"No, son. I must wash and dry them--we must have money to-day, or we'll +freeze and starve--I must wash and dry these clothes," said the +disconsolate widow, as she immediately went about the performance, while +her son started to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a +basket of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron the +clothes. + +The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, and the poor +woman began her manipulations. After a time, in handling a vest, the +widow felt a knot of something in the breast pocket. She turned the +pocket, and out fell a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully +unrolled the saturated bunch--she started--stared; the color from her +wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, observing the wild +looks and strange actions of the mother, ran to her, screaming: + +"Dear--dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?" + +"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children--lock the door--lock the door! +no, no, never mind. I a--I a--feel--dizzy!" + +The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in great affright, +but the widow, regaining her composure, told them to sit down and play +with their little toys, and not mind her. The cause of this sudden +emotion was the unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were +very wet--nearly "used up," in fact--but still significant of vast, +astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. She was +amazed--honor and poverty were struggling in her breast. Her poverty +cried out, "You are made up--rich--wash no more--fly!" But then the poor +woman's honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her +hands--triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, and again set about +her washing. + +About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted at the hotel. +The gentleman so anxious that his clothes should be returned that +evening, was no other than a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it +happened, that the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed +a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had the greater +part of the notes exchanged--and, with the exception of the five large +bills hurriedly thrust into the vest pocket, and which he had sent to +the poor laundress, there was little available evidence of the forgery +in his possession. The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's +room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The forger was not +arrested as a principal, but certain barely suspicious circumstances had +led to an investigation of him and his effects. + +"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, as a servant +opened the door to let them in. + +"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger. + +"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish to examine your +person and effects." + +The forger started--his heart beat with the rapidity of galvanic +pulsation--the evidence of part of his villany was, as he supposed, +among his effects. It was a moment of terror to him, but it passed like +a flash, and in a gay and careless tone, he quickly replied: + +"O, very well, gentlemen--go ahead. There are my keys and +baggage--search, and look around. I have no idea what you are +after--probably you'll find." In a low tone, he continued, to himself, +"By heavens, how lucky! that boy has saved me!" + +A considerable amount of money was found upon the forger, but none that +could be identified, and after a long and wearisome private examination +at the police court, he was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and +shortly afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes, +presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying: + +"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your pockets. She thinks +it may be valuable to you, sir, and she is sorry it was wet." + +The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money had been a +serpent the lad was holding towards him. + +"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell her to dry it +carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, when she can +return the little parcel." + +George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon the door-knob; the +man was much agitated, and perceiving the lad lingered, he thrust his +hand into a carpet-bag, and hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he +opened it, and taking thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and +requested him to run home to his mother and deliver the message +immediately. The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman, +the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, patiently awaiting +the return of her boy, and fearing the anger of the gentleman at the +hotel, when he should find his bank notes nearly, if not quite +destroyed, would probably so indispose him towards the child that he +would return empty-handed. But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome +lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to receive him. + +"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?" + +"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. He said you must dry +these papers, and he would call to-night for them. And here, dear +mother, he gave me a large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the +dutiful boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of the +overjoyed mother. They were saved--the golden coin soon made the widow's +domicil cheerful and happy. + +It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called for. They +laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire years, when a friend to the +poor woman negotiated for their exchange into a dwelling-house and small +store. And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and her +family owe their present prosperous and perfectly honorable position in +the respectable society of the city of ----. + + + + +We don't Wonder at It. + + +In the city, we get so many new _kicks_, and put on so many new ways of +living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact +country folks make awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our +conventionalities, and other doings. Dining at the American, last week, +we sat _vis-a-vis_ with an old-fashioned agricultural gent, whose plate +of mock turtle remained cooling for some time, while he was busy +thinking over a silver four-pronged fork in his hand. At length a broad +smile played over his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he +opened-- + +"Well, I'm jiggered!--ha! ha! _they've got to eating soup with split +spoons, too!_" + + + + +Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon. + + +Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient, +they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and +they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of +his youth. A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry +service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After the battle of +Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe, through chicanery--not +valor--defeated the greatest soldier the world ever saw, the British +army was cut down, rank and file--Napoleon having promised to "be a good +boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the _cut offs_, was a troop of +horse, and in this troop was an old veteran Bucephalus, who had stood +and made charges, smelt fire and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets, +and clashed rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,--this +old fellow was turned out to grass--cashiered. When the balance of his +retained companions in saddle were leaving the town where the +dismemberment had taken place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in +a field; the troop passed--the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less +than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences, and in the +front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung to his place in the column +caused--says the historian--the officers and men to shed tears. + +So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire and his horse. Some +years ago, in the interior of Ohio, there did live an old Irish +jintleman, who not only had a fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and +as fine an old black mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down +upon. "Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful "critter;" she +opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump handle by her teeth, and +actually extracted water from the barn-yard well, with all the facility +of a regular double-fisted _genus homo_. As a sly old joker, she had +performed various tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking +calves, catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces of +them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned cattle. But to +the eccentric habits and bacchanalian customs of her ex-military master, +the old mare's dormant talents owed their "fetching out." + +Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself and honor to the +State, in her early struggles against the Indians and French Canadians. +"Bonny Doon" was then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most +beautiful, as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some +twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and the mare +were about, every-day cronies, for the old man no more thought of +walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than a South Carolina dandy would +dream of the possibility of getting a glass of water without the +immediate assistance of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become +possessed of wealth as well as years--was likewise the progenitor of a +large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men and women in the +State, and having gotten all things in this pleasant kind of train, he +"laid off" in perfect lavender. The old captain's farm was about four +miles from the large and flourishing town of Z----, and here the captain +spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in the morning, and +hitching her to the sign-post, the poor beast would stand there--unless +taken in by the ostler or others--until midnight, while the captain +swigged whiskey, and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's" +affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently until he +came--her mane and long tail would then switch about, while she'd +"snigger eout" with gladness at his coming, and carry the old man +through rain or snow, moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy +railroads, bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over +the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam, while the waters +on each side foamed and roared like a mountain torrent, and while the +old man was either asleep or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was +about as difficult to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or +Turk's Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid taxes or +trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain Maguire; but when he +was "up the tree," a little sprung, or _tight_, as you may say, he was +ugly enough, and chock full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain +was summoned to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his evidence +was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for whom the old man +entertained a most lively disgust and very unchristianly hate. The old +man, finding that he must go, went. He wet his whistle several times +before starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached the +Court House, and about the time he supposed he was wanted, he mounted +"Bonny Doon," and started, full chisel, up the steps, through the entry, +and into the crowded Court room, just in the nick of time. + +"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert----" + +"Be the help o' Moses, _I'm here!_" roared the captain, in response to +the crier. + +And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he sat, stiff, and +formal as a bronze statue of some renowned military chieftain, on a +pot-metal war steed. Some laughed, others stepped out of the way of the +mare's heels, judge and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law +practice looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain and his +black charger for quite a different individual! It was some time before +order and decorum were restored, as it was much easier for the judge to +_order_ Captain Maguire to be arrested for his freak, than to do it, +"Bonny Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her head or +heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt of court, and +fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped the disagreeable attitude of +sustaining the suit of an enemy. At another time, the captain, being on +a _time_, dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and slap +bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship rather alarmed +the whole congregation, and cost the captain five twenties! Riding into +bar rooms and stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and her +master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare up two entire +flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing into a room where "a +native" was shivering in bed with the fever and ague; but the noise and +sudden appearance of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a +permanent and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the +sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean out of his +emaciated body. + +After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth +'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they parted! "Bonny Doon" +being about the only living spectator of her master's end. This tragic +denouement came about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men, +and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion, expose +themselves to the pitiless storm. The old captain had been in town all +day, with "Bonny Doon" hitched to the horse block, and being full of +"distempering draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious +bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening he mounted +his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home. + +"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend. + +"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested the landlord. + +"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for a seat in +Congress!" rejoined the first speaker. + +"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And--and no wonder ye wouldn't, fer +not a divil iv ye's iver had the horse as could carry ye's over me road +th' night. Look at that! There's the baste can do it!--d'ye see that?" +and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels of his +heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly stood erect, and +chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as though just from her oats and +warm stable, and fifteen years kicked off. + +"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that can thravel up a +frozen mountain, slide down a greased rainbow, and carry ould Captain +Maguire where the very ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty +ould body. Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!" + +And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never reached the threshold +of his domicil.--Next morning Captain Maguire was found in the mill-dam, +entirely dead, with poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able +to walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood, upon the narrow +icy way over the dam, and from appearances of the snow and planks of the +little bridge, the faithful mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by +various means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe was +evident; the old man had become sleepy, and frozen, and while the poor +mare was feeling her way over the icy and snow-covered bridge, her +master had slipped off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have +dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was, she stood a +faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did not survive him +long,--the cold and her evident sorrow ended the eventful life of "Bonny +Doon." + + + + +Getting into the "Right Pew." + + +New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the +United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing, +shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the +South, the week beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day, +is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have one grand and +extensive _saturnalia_, visit their friends and relations, make love to +the "gals" on neighboring plantations, spend the little change saved +through the year, or now and then given to them by indulgent or generous +masters, and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays in New +Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is _a time_, and no mistake. The +old French and Spanish families keep open house--dinners and suppers, +music, song and dance. On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of +their friends with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for +this purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed a +novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about the tombs of the +departed. In most of the South-Western towns, the day is given up to fun +and frolic. The Philadelphians have a great blow out. The streets are +filled by holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint +sticks"--making the air resound with tin trumpets and penny whistles. +The men and boys used to load up every thing in the shape of cannons, +guns, pistols and hollow keys, and bang away from sunset until sunrise, +keeping up a racket, din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a +citadel. The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men kill +the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending the amusements, +the multitude of rowdies passing their time in concocting and carrying +on street fights and running with the engines. + +But the New Yorkers _bang_ the whole of them; bear witness, O ye New +Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting your friends, and your +friends' friends. Open houses every where! "Drop in and take a glass of +wine or bit of cake, if nothing else"--that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers +flourish, marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their caps +for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full of confusion, the +theatres and show-shops generally reap an elegant harvest, and the +police reports of the second morning of the New Year swell monstrously! +Of a New Year's adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I +have a little story to tell. + +Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New York, by the +fascinating grace and _cap_-tivating head-gear of a certain young widow, +who had a fine estate. Jeff. was what you might call a good boy; he had +never seen much of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his +birth-place) and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale. He was a +clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement, kept "a set of books" +for a mercantile firm in Maiden Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and +in all general respects, was--a nice young man. He went with a friend on +a tour--New Year's day, to make calls. After a number of glasses and +chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful, he found himself in the +presence of a charming widow, and some two months afterwards, himself +and the widow, a parson and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff. +Jones, aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in the +snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became Mrs. Jeff. Jones, +thereafter. + +Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the venerable +saying--all is not gold that glitters. The charming widow was seriously +inclined to wear the inexpressibles; and poor Jeff., being of such a +gentlemanly, good and easy disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his +reserved rights. However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no +better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around and see the +elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion to see what was +going on after that interesting ceremony. In short, Jeff. got to going +out of nights--kept "bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at +first, but which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not mind +his Ps. and Qs. + +The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the widow was +coming around. It was New Year's day in the morn; it brought rather +sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind, on the head of which he thought +he'd as soon as not--_get tight!_ This notion was pleasing, and dressing +himself in his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to +call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and bring some +friends with him! + +"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do, that's all!" +and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss Juliet's to Mr. +Romeo--she _spoke_, and she said something. + +However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if Jeff. Jones did +not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and did the honors of the table with +rare good grace, but where was Jones? + +"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings cold, and +company preparing to leave; then he'll catch a lecturing." + +But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones--for dinner passed and +tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began to get snappish, and by +ten o'clock she had bitten all the ends from her taper fingers, besides +dreadfully scolding the servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally +retired--the clock had struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J. +was worried out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up again, +Jones might have met with some dreadful accident! She had not thought of +that before! Perhaps at that very hour he was in the bottom of the +Hudson, or in the deep cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones +dressed--the house was as still as a church-yard--she put on an old +hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down stairs; and by +a passage out through the back area into a rear street. Mrs. Jones at the +dead hour of night determined to seek some information of her husband. +She had not gotten over a block, or block and a half from her mansion, +when she spies two men coming along--wing and wing, merry as grigs, +reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes: + + "A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope-- + He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope! + _O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear--cracky!_ + A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills-- + He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills! + _O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear--cracky!"_ + +In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly approaching +her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway of a store; the revellers +parted at the corner of the street, after many asseverations of eternal +friendship, much noise and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering +towards Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and +darted past the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the fellow made +tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could travel, and that ain't +slow; for almost any man inside of sixty can run, like blazes, when he +is scarce able to stand upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks +in his beaver. Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she could +reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just as she was about to +give an awful scream, wake up all the neighbors and police ten miles +around, she saw--_Jones!_ Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband! + +It was a moment of awful import--the widow was equal to the crisis, +however, and governed herself accordingly; proving the truth of some +dead and gone philosopher who has left it in black and white, that the +widows are always more than a _match_ for any man in Christendom! + +Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a near kin to +total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones had not the remotest idea +of where he was--time or persons; his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas +monstrous foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered, +were highly spiced with--"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you (hic) +live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home with you, eh? +My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise old scratch if I (hic), I +went home to-to-night. (Hic) I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning, +and (hic) tell her, ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a +fire!" + +"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be revenged. Come, +sir, go home with me--I'll take care of you. Come, sir, be careful; this +way--in here." + +"Where the (hic) deuce are--are you going down this (hic) cellar, eh?" + +"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on my arm--there, +shut the door." + +"Why (hic), ha-hang it a--all; get a light--that's a de--ar!" + +"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light." + +Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the dark, and retired +to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants, hearing a noise in the +basement, got up, stuck their noses out of their rooms, and being +convinced that a desperate scoundrel was in the house, raised the very +old boy. Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans, and +chairs, and through him and the servants, the police were alarmed! +lights were raised, and Jones was arrested for a burglar! + +Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his own domicil, than +Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen and servants; it was a +mysterious matter to Jones for a full fortnight--but upon promise of +ever after spending his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of +the bag. Jones surrendered! + + + + +A Circuitous Route. + + +We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the +compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into +smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a +most mysterious manner, with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and +_hocus pocus_, says he-- + +"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you--(two winks;) the fact of the +business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,) I've wanted to see you, +badly; you see, I-a--well, what I-a (two winks)--was about to remark +(two nods and a short cough),--that is to say, it don't make much +matter, if-a--(wink, wink, wink;) you see it was in this way, +I-a--wanted to--a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've +been--not, to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and +forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a--the fact is--" + +"Well, what in thunder and rosin is _the fact_, old boy?" says we. + +"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a--I don't know why +I--shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) _have you got two shillings you won't +want to use to-day_?" + +We hadn't! + + + + +Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga. + + +"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a +jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs. +Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs. +Bamberry ever tell you of _my_ tour to Saratogy Springs?--last summer +was two years." + +"No," said several of us _neuter genders_ who had repeatedly heard all +about it, but were desirous that those who had not been thus gratified, +especially the ladies, and particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was +_dieting_ for a tour to the famed Springs--"tell us all about it, +Major." + +"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, "then, by the +banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. You see, last summer was two +years, I came to the conclusion, that I'd stop off business, altogether, +brush up a little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. A +friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to Saratogy, with his +wife and sister--a plaguy nice young woman, the sister was, too; well, I +don't know how it was, exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my +head, especially as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like to +go up to Saratogy--that I'd go, and I went. It was odd enough, to be +sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of rappee from his tortoise-shell +box--"very odd, in fact, but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in +poor health, and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young +woman, you may say--" + +"So that you had to _beau_ her along the way, Uncle Joe?" says several +of the company. + +"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or +other, I-a--I-a--" + +"Out with it, Uncle Joe--own up; you cottoned to the young lady, gallant +as possible, eh?" says the gents. + +"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I assure you, +gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the slightest terms of intimacy +with a young--" + +"And beautiful!" echoed the company. + +"Unexperienced," continued the Major. + +"And unprotected," says the chorus. + +"Volatile," added the Major. + +"And marriageable young lady, like Miss--" + +"Miss Catchem," said the Major. + +"Catchem!" cried the gents. + +"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of a very respectable +widow," continued the Major. + +"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested in Uncle +Joe's journey to Saratoga, and--but we won't anticipate. + +"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, was a--but no +matter, they were of good family, and a--" + +"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; go on with +your story; you paid attention to Miss Catchem; you grew familiar--you +became mutually pleased with each other, and you finally--well, tell us +how it all came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried. + +"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story--altogether! Miss +Catchem and I never spoke a word to each other in our lives," said the +Major. + +"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party. + +"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact." + +"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies. + +"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe responds. "The +fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the week Padlock spoke to me of +going to Saratogy, and he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of +a few weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow or +other, I thought it was all for the best; things might have turned out +that I should have got tangled up with that girl, and a--" + +"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, Uncle Joe!" said the +young ladies. + +"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might have been so, but +it turned out just as I have stated." + +"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; "go on; how +about Saratoga?" + +"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, "I will. You +see Padlock didn't _go_, it was very odd; but somehow or other, I made +up my mind to _go_, and I went. I calculated to be gone three or four +weeks, and I concluded for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my +purse, if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three dollars or +so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a good round sum, I +assure you, to fritter away; but, by banks of Brandywine, I was +determined to _do_ it, and I did. It was very odd, but the first person +I met at New York was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to +see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in business--had a +large family--poor--in distress. It was very odd, but somehow or other, +we dined at the hotel together--had a bottle of Madeira, and I a--well, +I loaned--yes, by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow a twenty +dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy Merrifellow, we +never met again; he--he died soon after, in distress, his family broke +up--scattered; it was very odd; poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe +again had recourse to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner +of his full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with his +_pongee_, the Major continued: + +"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished to find that a +couple of bottles of good wine, two extra meals, and something over one +day's board, figured up the round sum of ten dollars. I was three days +out, so far, and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended +for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, thinks Major, my boy, +this won't do; you must economize, or you shall be short of your +reckonings before you are a week out of port. That morning at the +steam-boat wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he looked +in deep distress about something. It was very odd, I don't know how it +was, but somehow or other, he came up to me and asked if I was going up +the river, and I very civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me +he was a stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, was +in great distress--had nothing but a valuable watch--a present from his +deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a great deal more. He begged me +to buy the watch, when I refused at first, but finally he so importuned +me, and offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value +that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I might in part, +indemnify my previous extravagance by this little bit of a trade. It was +very odd; I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival +at Saratogy, I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that would blow +it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a scoundrel! Here I was, four days +from home, and my whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage +that took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable +youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in her arms; we had not +rode far before I found the other passengers, all gentlemen, apparently +much annoyed by the child; for my part I sympathized with the poor +woman, got into a conversation with her--learned she was on her way to +Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged there as a builder. Upon +arriving at Saratogy, the young woman requested me to hold her child--it +was fast asleep--until she stepped over to a new building to inquire +about her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw her from +that to this!" + +A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed this _tableau_ in +Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, and the Major proceeded: + +"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or other I +was left with the child, and a plaguy time had I of it; the town +authorities refused to take charge of it, nobody else would; so by +Brandywine, there I was; the people seemed to be suspicious of +me--sniggered and went on as though I knew more about the woman and her +child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, and provide +for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically. + +"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; "that boy may pay you +yet--pay you for all your trouble; he's growing nicely, and will make a +fine man." + +"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several. + +"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse and had the +youngster taken care of. The hotels were crowded, very uncomfortable, +rooms wretched, small, damp, and dirty. The landlords were quite +independent, and the servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets +I ever encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others--bribed a +waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they had what they called +'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking the whole house, and raising +such a noise and hullabaloo, with cracked horns, squeaky +fiddles--bawling and yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be +half so disturbant of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got enough of +such _folderols_; at the end of the week I asked for my bill, augmented +by some few sundries--it made my hair stand up. Now what do you suppose +my bill was, for one week, board, lodging, servants' _bribes_ and +sundries? I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess +it--it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my _protege_, bag and +baggage, and started for home. I was absent on this memorable tour to +Saratogy just two weeks, and by banks of Brandywine, if the expense of +that tour--not including the time _wasted_, vexation, bother, +mortification of feelings, fuss, and rumpus--was but a fraction less +than three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated trip, +lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more humbug about it than I +ever dreamed of!" + +Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, that it cost Uncle +Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than it came to, and they all +concluded--not to go there themselves, just then--any how! + + + + +Old Jack Ringbolt + + +Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she +was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and +tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had +sailed over many and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and +chimneys, with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite visible. +He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she finally was frozen +into! + +"And did you see that--Lot's wife?" asked the old lady. + +"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now--the cattle got afoul of the pillar of +salt one day, and licked it all up!" + +"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!" + +"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away." + +"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been around so, I'd think +you would want to settle down, and take a wife!" + + + + +Who Killed Capt. Walker? + + +Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so mixed up and indefinite +as that relative to the taking of Huamantla, and the death of that noble +and chivalric officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of +Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the "Secondary Combats of +the Mexican War," we observe that he has given an account of the +engagement at Huamantla, and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's +account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in the main +correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly erroneous in the +grand _denouement_, in which our gallant friend--whose manly countenance +even now stares us in the face, as if in life he "yet lived"--yielded up +the balance of power on earth. + +We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest surely, in coming +at the facts; and no time seems so proper as the present--several of the +chivalric gentlemen of that day and occasion, being now around us--to +give the story its veritable exhibition of true interest. + +Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of the truest possible +heroism and gallantry. He entered upon the campaign with all the ardor +and enterprise of a soldier devoted to the best interests of his +country. He commanded a company of mounted men, whose bravery was only +equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness has been +unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of the world. We shall skip over +the thousand and one incidents of the line of action in which Walker, +Lewis, and their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come +at the sanguinary and truly thrilling _denouement_. + +Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his troops at Vera +Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla, where it was understood +that Col. Childs required reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of +October, and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote, Lane +learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his muscle, and give +the advancing columns jessy at the pass of Pinal, and there was every +prospect of a very tight time. Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote; +the men were anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop +obtained permission to join the General with four companies of the +Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery of the 3d Artillery, under +command of Capt. Taylor, with Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and +Lewis, of the Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some +2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching Tamaris, Lane heard +that the old fox was off--Santa Anna had gone to Huamantla. Lane +determined to hunt him up with haste. The main force was left at +Tamaris. Troops were forwarded--advanced by Walker's Rangers and Lewis's +Cavalry--who approached to within sight, or nearly so, of Huamantla. The +orders to Walker were to advance to the town, and if the Mexicans were +in force, to wait for the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated +about 200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the Mexican +Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town, and the brave Walker +ordered a pursuit. + +Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker, says his gallant +comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the captor of the wily old chief. +The fair prospect of accomplishing the deed so excited Walker, that +danger and death were alike secondary considerations, and so the command +charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge, but with +terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry dashed in among them, +cutting them down right and left, and soon sent them flying in all +directions! It was at this moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the +most heroic acts of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any +act of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous negro, a fine, +manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to Capt. Walker, with whom he was +brought up--boys together--being mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre, +dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached body of +lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing himself between three +poised lances and the person of Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who +would have been most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in +his saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow +"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle! Two lancers +pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead! + +Charging up to the Plaza--the Mexicans flying--Capt. Walker dismounted, +with some thirty of his men, and advanced up a flight of steps to force +an entrance into a church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was +hid away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers, who, very +injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town. + +Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard attached to a +temporary garrison, in which were some sixty horses, equipped ready for +immediate use, and which the Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape, +left behind them! The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the +Mexicans, being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis left several +of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey," the noted pugilist, a +volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company, to guard the horses, while he rode +forward to the convent. + +"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only useless, but bad +policy, to allow that firing by the men, around the town." + +Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease, and being apprized +of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the horses, &c., ordered him to bring up +his command. Capt. Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and +Capt. Walker cried out-- + +"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who fires against my +orders!" + +At that moment three guns were fired from the convent--and +simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street, from a party of +Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis faced about just in time to see +Capt. Walker drop down upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically +expresses it,-- + +"Like a lump of lead, sir!" + +The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis ordered the fallen, +gallant Walker, to be placed upon the steps close to the wall. A shot +from the piece alluded to striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered +the doors to be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was done. +The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of lancers poured into the +town, rushing down upon the Americans from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had +wheeled about to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others +leading out "the pick" of the captured horses. + +"Drop--drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!" + +They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the enemy in gallant +style; and though there were ten, aye, twenty to one, possibly, he drove +them back! To quote our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the +Louisiana Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve the guns +(captured), and held his position fairly, until assistance arrived." + +One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the Rangers and +Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and wounded. They were engaged +nearly an hour, and the bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their +men, was worthy of general admiration, and all honor. + +Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder, passed over his +heart, and came out in his right vest pocket! + +Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable war parties, +of its numbers, known to history. Walker was a humane, impulsive man; a +warm friend, a brave, gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to +Capt. Lewis--to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and that the +chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt. Walker, and his heroic +"boy" Dave, who fell unknown to his master, were buried together in the +earth they so lately stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men +that were men! + + + + +Practical Philosophy + + +Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days +since, upon a religious _pint_. Jack argued the matter upon a _specie_ +basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal +division of labor and money--all over the world. + +"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men _should_ share equal +with the poor--their imprudence would soon throw all the wealth into our +hands again!" + +"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have to--_share all around +again!_" + + + + +Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl. + + +Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is +stolen, not know it, _and he's not robbed at all!_" Now this fact often +becomes very apparent, especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,--a +lady of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same who sent +Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of perfume to mix in her +_suds_, while washing the pyramids of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There +never was a lady--no member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from +dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of other people, +than Mrs. Pompaliner. + +"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting maids, for Mrs. +Pompaliner kept three, alternating them upon the principle of varying +her handkerchiefs, gloves and linen, as they--in her double-distilled +refined idea of things, became soiled by use, from time to time. +"Olivia, come here--Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon +odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought +sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named them up to the +fanciful standard of her own. + +"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid thing away. +I believe my soul somebody has touched it after it was ironed. Do take +it away," and the poor victim of concentrated, double extract of human +extravagance, almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a fit of +abhorrence at the idea of her _mouchoir_ being touched, tossed, or +opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers in her highly-perfumed +_boudoir_. + +"Olivia!" + +"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome looking +maid. + +"Olivia, put on your gloves." + +"Yes'm." + +"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says--"tell her to come here this +very day." + +"Yes'm." + +"Olivia!" + +"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman. + +"Got your gloves on?" + +"Yes'm." + +"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my +_papier mache_ black bureau, you will find a case of handkerchiefs." + +"Yes'm." + +"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the drawer, close the +boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs upon my rosewood tray. Do +you comprehend, Olivia?" + +"Yes'm," said the girl. + +"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror! such gloves! touch my +handkerchiefs or bureau drawers with those horrid gloves! Poison me!" +cries the terrified woman. + +"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause, from overtasked +nature! + +"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled _blonde_ replies. + +"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a fresh servant, +retire." + +"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?" + +"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers. + +"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my boudoir, in the fifth +drawer of my black _papier mache_ bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear. + +"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your gloves are clean--now +run along, dear, for I'm suffering for a fresh, new, and untouched +handkerchief. + +"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's, my laundress--say +that I wish her to come here, immediately." + +"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins for the domicil of +democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress. + +"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman. + +"Dunno, missus wants to see you--guess you better come," says Vanilla. + +"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I wouldn't railly put +up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her +mind and body, and so good about paying for her work. No, I declare I +wouldn't," said the strong-minded woman. + +"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one of her fresh +attendants announced the washerwoman. + +"Ah, you are here?" + +"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward, Mrs. Brown, as +she stood in the august presence of Mrs. Pompaliner, and the gorgeous +trappings of her own private drawing-room. + +"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat. + +"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here." + +"Yes'm." + +"Now Mrs. a--what is your name?" + +"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I--" + +"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a--Brown," said the reclining Mrs. +Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody is permitted to touch or handle +any of my wardrobe, my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc., +in your house?" + +"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of course we've got to +tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed and put in your baskets, ma'am?" + +"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a--Brown--O dear! dear! I am afraid you +have ruined all my clothes!" + +"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a fresh and lively +lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water. + +"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week as well as I +ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could do 'em on this mighty yeath +(earth), ma'am!" + +"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the poor, faint Mrs. +Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry me; answer me and go." + +"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous toss of her +bullet head. + +"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.--a--" + +"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let anybody know it!" +responded the spunky laundress. + +The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned the current of +affairs. + +"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?" + +"Yes'm." + +"Then go to my _boudoir_, open the rose-wood clothes case, bring down +the skirts, a dozen or two of the _mouchoirs_, the laces and hose." + +The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous paper box, laden +with the articles required. + +"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at those articles; don't +you see that they have been touched?" + +"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed, folded and +brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?" + +"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring me a fresh +handkerchief, ignite a _pastile_, there's such an odor in the room. Do +you _smell_, Mrs. a--Brown, that horrid lavender or rose, or, or,--do +you smell it, Brown?" + +"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I ollers smell a +dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o' yourn, I often tell my Augusty, +I wonder them stinkin'--" + +"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into a spell;" +recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to state that for some +time past, she had been troubled with _a presentiment_, that her fine +clothes had been tampered with after leaving the smoothing iron, and how +fatal to her would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the +remotest manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of hers! +Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the parties were now +diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not unlike a slight smear of +vermilion, was discovered upon a splendid handkerchief--it gave Mrs. P. +an electric shock; but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a +_spangle_, big as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts! +This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile lavender and +worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner +into spasms, between the motions of which she gasped: + +"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?" + +"Yes, I have." + +"How old is she?" + +"About seventeen, ma'am." + +"And she a--?" + +"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!" + +The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P. had not only +been _touched_ by sacrilegious hands, but had had an airing, and smelt +the lamps of the play-house! Mrs. Pompaliner was so shocked, that four +first-class physicians tended her for a whole season. + +Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped her +ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in the finery of her +most possibly particular and sensitive customer! It was awful! + + + + +Legal Advice. + + +Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and +being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no _difference_ +worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in +debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known some, who, +though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook in their very +boots--wilted right down, before the frown of a creditor! A man that can +_dun_ to death, or stand a deadly _dun_, possesses talents no Christian +need envy; for, next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler" +and professional _dun_, for every ignoble trait in the character of +mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed us of some facts so +mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,) that we jot them down for the +amusement and information of suffering mankind and the rest of creation, +who now and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and law. And +perhaps it may be as well to let the _indefatigable_ tell his own story: + +"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew I was dead set +against _crediting_ anybody, he would insist, and did--get into my +books. I let it run along until the amount reached sixty dollars, and +Cutaway, instead of stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper! +Getting in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day he came +in when I was out; he and his wife look around, and, by George! they +select a handsome tea-set, worth twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends +it home. + +"'Tell him to _charge it!_' says Cutaway, to the boy who took the china +home; and I did charge it. + +"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway was a +confirmed _diddler_; he got all he wanted, when and where he could, upon +the 'charge it' principle, and had become so callous to duns, that his +moral compunctions were as tough as sole leather--bullet-proof. + +"I was vexed, I was _mad_, I determined to break one of my 'fixed +principles,' and _go to law_; have my money, goods, or a row! I goes to +a lawyer, states my case, gave him a fee and told him to go to work. + +"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step up to Van +Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage; and he attended. A +few days afterwards I dropped in. + +"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly. + +"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I. + +"'O, he acknowledges the _debt_, says he thinks you are rather hurrying +up the biscuits, and thinks you might have sent the bill to him instead +of giving it to me for collection,' says the lawyer. + +"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;--sent my clerk +until he got ashamed of going, and my boy went so often that his boots +got into such a way of _going_ to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change +them with his brother, _when he was going anywhere else!_' + +"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van. + +"'He _is_,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home _diddler_ in +town.' + +"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the debt, says he's +rather straightened just now, but if you'll give him a little more +_time_, he'll fork up every cent; so if I were you, I'd wait a little +and see.' + +"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager for law than a +lawyer, so I waited--three months. At the end of that time, early one +Saturday morning, in came Cutaway. 'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to +_fork_ now, at last; it's well you come, for I'd been _down_ on you on +Monday, bright and early!'" + +"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed. + +"O, bless you, _no_. I said _that_ to _myself_, but I met _him_ with a +smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in my excitement at the +prospect of receiving the $80, which I then wanted the worst kind, I +shook hands with him, asked how his family was, and got as familiar and +jocular with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had in the +world! Well, now what do you suppose was the result of that interview +with Cutaway?" + +"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we suppose," was +our response. + +"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he asked me to credit +him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen cut goblets and glasses, and a +pair of decanters; he expected some friends from New York that evening, +was going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the guests, +in consideration of former favors rendered by him, was pledged--being a +man of wealth--to loan him enough funds to pay his debts, and take up a +mortgage on his residence." + +"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into the street?" said +we. + +"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the goods, and he took +them home with him, swearing by all that was good and bad, he would +settle with me early the following Monday morning. I saw no more of +_him_ for two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me. The bill +was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem I'd have my money out of +Cutaway, or I'd advertise him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel." + +"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van. + +"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his life, in the open +street!' said I, in a heat. + +"'You might _rue_ that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for an assault, and +give you trouble and expense.' + +"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?--the _law_ being _made_ for the +benefit of such villains!' + +"'We will arrest him,' said Van. + +"'Well, then what?' said I. + +"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have the money, attach +his property, goods or chattels, or clap him in jail, sir!' said Van +Nickem, with an air of determination. + +"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail, I confess, was +dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to go it, give the rascal jessy, +and Van did; but after three weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went +to jail, swore out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had been +through that sort of process so often that, like the old woman's skinned +eels, he was used to it, and rather liked the sensation than otherwise! +Well, saddled with the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at, +you may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks." + +"So you lost the $100--got whipped, eh?" we remarked. + +"No, _sir_," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I got old +Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith of the +transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved about half the +community with whom he _had_ any transactions,--got his affairs all +fixed smooth and quiet, and with his family was off for California. I +got wind of it,--Van Nickem and I had a conference. + +"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he sails, where the +vessel is, &c.; lay back until a few hours before the vessel is to cut +loose, then go down, get the fellow ashore if you can, talk to him, soft +soap him, ask him if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &c., and +so on, and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel, knock +him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer ready to arrest both of +you for breach of the peace; when you are brought up, I'll have a +_charge_ made out against Cutaway for something or other, and if he +don't fork out and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice +to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken up and fined, and +Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but little and get off. But Van and +the _writ_ appeared. Cutaway looked streaked--he was alarmed. In two +hours' time he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars +costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white man you ever +saw!" + +If Mr. Cutaway don't take the _force_ of that moral, _salt_ won't save +him. + + + + +Wonders of the Day. + + +The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by not allowing their +clerks and book-keepers to dot their i's or cross their t's, are now +bargaining (with the old school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a +fourpence, in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a +two-pronged pen, which cuts short business letters and printed +bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the paper, two +lines at a time. Great improvement on the old method, ain't it? + + + + +"Don't Know You, Sir!" + + +We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we _knew_ +so great an every-day _Plato_ as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel +never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure +you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty good +wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a man of genius, +would pass to oblivion--be washed out in Lethe's waters. We remember +hearing Col. Crockett relate, during a "speech," a short time before he +lost his life at the _Alamo_, in Texas--a little incident, of his being +taken up in New Orleans, one night, by a _gen d'arme_--lugged to the +calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard case," not being able +to find any body, hardly, that knew him, and being totally unable to +reconcile the chief of police to the fact that he _was_ the identical +Davy Crockett, or any body else, above par! "If you want to find out +your 'level,'--_ad valorem_, wake up some morning, noon or night--_where +nobody knows you!_" said the Colonel, "and if you ever feel so +essentially chawed up, _raw_, as I did in the calaboose, the Lord pity +you!" + +There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's "wise saw," in the +case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire, who was in the habit of +_carting_ himself out, in a very ancient and excessively shabby gig; +which, in consequence of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush, +sponge or broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered +the hens--was not exactly the kind of _equipage_ calculated to win +attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver. The old +millionaire, one day in early October, took it into his head to ride +out and see the country. Taking an early start, the old gentleman, and +his old bob-tailed, frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old +shabby gig, about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a +Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading. As nobody +bestirred themselves to see to the traveller, he put his very +old-fashioned face and wig outside of the vehicle, and called-- + +"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?" + +Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced towards +the queer and questionable travelling equipage. + +"Vel, vot you vont, ah?" + +"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze stab'l, viz two +pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair." + +"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded to unhitch +old bald-face from his rigging. + +"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very mosh like to +rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too." + +"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!" + +"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal say, sair, if you +pleaze." + +The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old brute to the +stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders of the traveller, he +sought the landlord, to know if it would _pay_ to put up the shabby +concern, and treat the old horse to a real feed of hay and oats, without +making some inquiries into the financial situation of the old Frenchman. + +The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring farmer, were at +the _Bar_, one of those old-fashioned _slatted_ coops, in a corner, +peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the merits of a law suit, seizure +of the property, &c., of a deceased tiller of the soil, in the vicinity. +Busily chatting, and quaffing their _toddy_, the entrance of the poor +old traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself of +his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in the room. The +hostler having reappeared, and talked a little Dutch to the host, that +worthy turned to the traveller-- + +"Good even'ns, thravel'r!" + +"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little." + +"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord. + +"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to eat--plenty +hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair." + +"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der oats, and der +hay, and der water;" and, with this brief direction to his subordinate, +the landlord turned away from the way-worn traveller to resume his +conversation with his more, apparently, influential friends. The old +Frenchman very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and +the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized of the fact +that travellers had stomachs, and that of the old French gentleman was +highly _incensed_ by long delay, and more particularly by the odorous +fumes of roast fowls, ham and eggs, &c., issuing from the inner portion +of the tavern. + +"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he. + +"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den somesing will be +prepared for you." + +"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not vait for ze +shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly--right away; I not vait for +nobody, sair!" + +"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house," answered the old +sour krout, "you old barber!" + +"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed rage. "Sair, I vill +go no where, I vill stay here so long, by gar, as--as--as I please, +sair!" + +"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman, "that you are +rendering gross and offensive, malicious and libellous, scandalous and +burglarious language to this gentleman, in his own domicile, with malice +prepense and aforethought, and a ----" + +"Pooh! pooh! _pooh!_ for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman. + +"Pooh? To me, sir? _Me, sir?_" bullyingly echoed Blackstone. + +"Yes, sair--pooh--_pooh!_ von geese, sair!" + +It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride, the insolence +of a travelling _barber_ had stirred up in the very face of the man of +law, logic, and legal lore. He swelled up, blowed and strutted about +like a _miffed_ gobbler in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage, +but it bursted forth-- + +"You--you--you infernal old frog-eating, soap and lather, you--you--you +smoke-dried, one-eyed,* poor old wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's +sake, I'd have you taken up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I +would, you poverty-stricken old rascal!" + + [*] Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that, + however, he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes. + +"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out der ole hoss +again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable; now, you ole fool, +you shall go vay pout your bishenish mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss +too!" said the landlord, with an evident rush of blood and beer to his +head! + +"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman, "veri well, sair, +I sal go--but,"--shaking his finger very significantly at the landlord +and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you, +sir, sal make de deed in my name--I kick you out, sair, (to the +landlord,) and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!" + +With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig, amid the "Haw! +haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!" of the landlord and lawyer. "That for +you," said the Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real +half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now, the farmer, +one of the three spectators present, had quietly watched the +proceedings, and being _gifted_ with enough insight into human nature to +see something more than "an old French barber" in the person and manner +of the traveller; and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern +property, followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once offered him +the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant, where the traveller +passed a most comfortable night, and where his host found out that he +was entertaining no less a pecuniary miracle of his time--_than Stephen +Girard_. + +Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and _shady_ gig, accompanied +by his entertainer, rode over to the two owners of the Tavern property, +and with them sought the _lawyer_, the deeds were made out, the old +Frenchman _drew_ on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten +years' _lease_ upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble, and as +that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door, and was very +obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy turned around on the steps, and +looking sharp--with his one eye upon the lawyer, says he-- + +"Sair! Pooh! pooh!--_Booh!_" off he rode for the Tavern, where he and +the landlord had a _haze_, the landlord was notified to _leave_, short +metre; and being fully revenged for the insult paid his millions, old +Stephen Girard, the great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he +was better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than ever, +that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object! + + + + +A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler. + + +We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some +folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl +over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and +spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--that come out first best in the +long run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers, or +anybody else they deal with, and so far have we seen this _infirmity_ +carried, that we candidly believe we've known persons that would not +stop short of cheapening the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a +dollar and two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the _rationale_ of +the matter is this:--as soon as persons establish a reputation for +meanness--beating down folks, they fall victims to all sorts of shaves +and short commons, and have the fine Saxony drawn over their eyes--from +the nose to the occiput; they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &c., +that others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then some folks +are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder their very shadow does not +often cut somebody. A friend of ours went to buy his wife a pair of +gaiters; he brought them home; she found all manner of fault with them; +among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her better half +had given for the gaiters, _she_ could have got the best article in +Waxend's entire shop! _He_ said _she_ had better take them back and try. +So she did, and poor Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up +by the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters at a less +price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend saw how matters stood, +so he consented to adopt the maxim of--when Greek meets Greek, then +comes the tug of war! + +"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have made for Mrs. +Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive material, the best +article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse will not expect them for a few +days, and rather than _you_ should be disappointed, I will let _you_ +have them for the same price your husband paid for those common ones!" + +Of course Mrs. ---- took them, went home in great glee, and told her +better half she'd never trust him to go shopping for her again--for they +always cheated him. When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's +bargain, lo! he detected the self-same gaiters--merely with a different +quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher, grinned and said +nothing. That illustrates one phase in the character of some people who +"go it blind" on "bargains" and now, for the pith of our story--the way +some folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come at a thing. + +The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how he was getting +along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer. + +"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was busy, keeping the stove +warm. + +"Pretty well; how is it with you?" + +"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?" + +"Middling--middling, sir. How's all your folks?" + +"Tolerable--yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's trade?" he +ventured to inquire. + +"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come take a seat by +the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes." + +"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your folks are all +stirring, eh?" he added. + +"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother got?" the +storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew the man. + +"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold weather, you see, +sort o' sets the old lady back." + +"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's we, if there is +anything important or business like on the man's mind, he must be near +to its focus. But he started again-- + +"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes. + +"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?" + +"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent; "I did think +of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up." + +Here another _hiatus_ occurred; the rural gent walked around, viewed the +goods and chattels for some minutes; then says he-- + +"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth from our friend +the venerated expression-- + +"What's your hurry?" + +"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!" + +"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's sleighing out your +way--good?" + +"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it, this winter, by +jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent. "Trade's dull, eh?" + +"Very--very _slack_." + +"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?" + +"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper. + +"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or business much +better, nowhere." + +To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied-- + +"Not much--that's a fact." + +"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the Californy goold mines, +don't you?" + +"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it," said the +storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some." + +"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist. "Some make money +out there, and then agin some don't; I reckon more don't than does." To +this bright inference the storekeeper ventured to say-- + +"I think it's highly _probable_." + +"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes. + +"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a little with +influenza, colds, &c.; nothing serious, however." + +"Well, I'm glad to hear it." + +"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper, in +apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured of the fact. + +"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady." + +Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was speculation in the +rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun of the thing--as we "were up" +to such dodges--we determined to hang on and see how he come out. + +"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the rural gent, and +actually made five steps towards the handle of the door. + +"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When did you come in +town?" + +"I come in this mornin'." + +"Any of the folks in with you?" + +"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was too cold; +'spected some of your folks out to see us durin' this good +sleighing--why didn't you come?" + +"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper. + +"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time, and the sleighin' +holds out, you must come and see us." + +"I may--I can't promise for certain." + +Now another pause took place, and thinks we--the climax has come, +surely, after all that small talk. The country gent walked deliberately +to the door; he actually took hold of the knob. + +"You off?" says the storekeeper. + +"B'lieve I'll be off"--opening the door, then rushes back +again--semi-excited by the force of some pent up idea, says the rural +gent--"O! Mr. ----, _don't you want to buy some good fresh eggs_?" + +"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some fresh eggs; how many +have you?" + +"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!" + +We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution, the man came to +the _pint_, and--sold his eggs in two minutes! + + + + +Jolly Old Times. + + +Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old +times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose, +and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a +bag at the pit of the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a +snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign remedy! Dried +toads and snake skins are quite out of use around these settlements, and +we think the Esculapius who would recommend such nostrums, would be +looked upon as a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to +cause his brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of a +learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee, who invariably +recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to cure the toothache! Had this +venerable old colored gem'n lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have +created a sensation in the medical circles! + + + + +The Pigeon Express Man. + + +In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed +to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, creating a +heap of fun, and coming out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut +Yankees--the cutest and all firedest _tight_ critters on the face of the +_yearth_, when money or trade's in the question--are "_done_" now and +then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove. + +It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two or three Eastern +men, a few years ago, started a paper in Philadelphia, upon the penny +principle, and have since been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and +are, men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their business is +concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all competition, and made their +_pile_. The proprietors were always "fly" for any new dodge, by which +they could keep the lead of things, and monopolize the _news_ market. +The Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we write--the +_mails_, and, now and then, express horse lines, were the media through +which _Great Excitements! Alarming Events!! Great Fires and Awful +Calamities!!_ were come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was +sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as +hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on record, came in, +and inquired of one of the clerks for the proprietors of that +institution. Being pointed out, the thin man made a _lean_ towards him. +After getting close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see +that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat down very +gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and leaning forward until +his razor-made nose almost touched that of the publisher, in a low, +nasal, anxious tone, says he, + +"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?" + +"I am, sir." + +"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously around and +about him. + +"Did you ever hear tell of the _Pigeon Express_?" he continued. + +"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher. + +"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons--letters to their l-e-g-s and newspapers under +their wings--trained to fly any where you warnt 'em." + +"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher--"Carrier--pigeons trained to +carry billets--bulletins and--" + +"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in the stranger. + +"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly. + +"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else." + +"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded, rising +from his chair and pacing the floor, as though rather and decidedly +_taken_ by the novelty and feasibility of the operation. + +"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express." + +"I like the idea; good, first rate!" + +"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger. + +"But what would it cost?" + +"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on." + +"A small wagon?" + +"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained to fly from one +_pint_ to another!" + +"Yes; well?" + +"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the top of the +bildin', for a spell, teu git the _hang_ of things, and so on!" + +"Yes, very well; go on." + +"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em into his +wagon--ten miles at first--throws 'em up, and the birds go to the +bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?" + +"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?" + +Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening ears, in a low, +long way, says the stranger-- + +"_I've got 'em!_ R-a-l-e Persian birds--be-e-utis!" + +"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher. + +"_Like a book_," the stranger responded. + +"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired. + +"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'." + +"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!" + +"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express man, +leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher, who paced his +office as full of effervescence as a jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog +days. + +About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few cases, now and +then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket venders in Jersey +City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore; but these exploits +rarely paid first cost, and did not amount to much, although some noise +was made about the wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But +the _paper_ was to have a new impulse--astonish all creation and the +rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The publisher's partner was in New +York, fishing for novelties, and he determined to astonish him, on his +return home, by the _bird business!_ A coop was fixed on the top of the +"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had suggested. The +wagon was bought, and, with two hundred dollars in for funds, passed +over to the pigeon express man, who, in the course of a few days, takes +the birds into his wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them +up, and the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top of the +"bildin'," looking out for them. + +They kept looking!--they saw something werry like a whale, but a good +deal like a first-rate bad "_Sell!_" The lapse of a few days was quite +sufficient to convince the publisher that he had been taken in and done +for--regularly _picked up_ and done for,--upon the most approved and +scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag, he made +up his mind to pocket the _shave_ and keep shady, not even "letting on +to his partner," who in the course of the following week returned from +Gotham, evidently feeling as fine as silk, about something or other. + +"Well, what's new in New York--got hold of any thing rich?" was the +first interrogatory. + +"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating something very +important on the _tapis_. + +"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will put the +sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!" + +"No. What have you started in Gotham?" + +"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea is +grand--immense--I'll knock under." + +"Good! I'm glad--particularly glad you've found something new and +startling," responded the other. "Well, what is it?" + +"Great!--wonderful!--_Carrier Pigeons!_" + +"What! Pigeons?" + +"_Pigeons!_" + +"You don't pretend to say that--" + +"Yes, sir, all arranged--luckiest fellows alive, we are--" + +"Well, but--" + +"Oh, don't be uneasy--I fixed it." + +"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his partner, sticking +his digits into his trowserloons--biting his lips and stamping around. + +"Rich! _elegant!_ In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and--" + +"Flying! Why, do you--" + +"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on my keeping perfectly +_mum_, until things were in regular working order; he then set the boys +to work--we have large cages on top of the building--" + +"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly. "There, +do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?" + +"Why--why, you don't pretend to say that--" + +"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago--talked nothing but +Carrier Pigeons--Pigeon Expresses--I thought I'd surprise you, and--" + +"Well, well--go on." + +"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow $200--a horse and +wagon--" + +"Done! _done!_" roared the other, without waiting for further +particulars--"$200 and a horse and wagon--just what Tom and I gave the +scamp! ha! ha! ha!" + +"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under the force of the +_joke_. + +Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly known; but +he is supposed to have given up the bird business, and gone into the +manufacture of woolly horses and cod-liver oil. + + + + +Jipson's Great Dinner Party. + + +"Well, you must do it." + +"Do it?" + +"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to _do_ +in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty +hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of New +Hampshire contingencies, (to quote our beloved man of the million, +Theodore Parker,) poor relations. + +"But, my dear Betsey, do you _know_, will you consider for once, that to +_do_ a thing of the kind--to splurge out like Tannersoil, one must +expect--at least I do--to sink a full _quarter_ of my salary, for the +current year; yes, a full quarter?" + +"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson had just moved +up above "Bleecker street,")--"and bought your carriage, and +engaged----" + +"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson. + +"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J. + +"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred dollars a year +extra expenses, to--a----" + +"To gratify yourself, and--a----" + +"Your--a--a--your vanity, Madam, you should have said, my dear." + +"Don't talk that way to me--to me--you brute; you know----" + +"I know all about it, my dear." + +"_My dear_--bah!" said the lady; "my _dear!_ save that, Mr. Jipson, for +some of your--a--a----" + +What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge; but Jipson just +then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to prevent the umpullaceous tone of +Mrs. J.'s remarks, by saying, in a very humble strain-- + +"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too old to act like +goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope, with the matters-of-fact of +every-day life, to quarrel about things beyond our reach or control." + +"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson, I mean beyond +your reach, that your income will not permit us to live as other people +live----" + +"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson. + +"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson. + +"Live like other people--that is, some people, Mrs. Jipson, that I know +of." + +"You don't suppose _I'm_ going to bury myself and my poor girls in this +big house, and have those servants standing about me, their fingers in +their mouths, with nothing to do but----" + +"But what?" + +"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a----" + +"For what?" + +"For a--a----" + +But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined what a _point_ Mrs. +J. was about to, but could not conscientiously make, so he relieved her +with-- + +"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded idea, a +contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors, the rabble world +at large. Thousands do it, my dear, and I've no objection to their doing +it; it's their own business, and none of mine. I have moved up town +because I thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest kind of +family carriage because I could afford it, and believed it would add to +our recreations and health; the carriage and horses required care; I +engaged a man to attend to them, fix up the garden, and be useful +generally, and added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in +order to lighten your own cares, &c. Now, all this, my dear woman, you +ought to know, rests a very important responsibility upon my shoulders, +health, life, and--two thousand dollars a year, and if you imagine it +compatible with common sense, or consonant with my judgment, to make an +ass or fool of myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries +of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for the time to be +'under government,' with a salary of nothing to speak of, but with +stealings equal to those of a successful freebooter, you--you--you have +placed a--a bad estimate upon my common sense, Madam." + +With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his hat, gloves and +cane, and soon might be seen an elderly, natty, well-shaved, +slightly-flushed gentleman taking his seat in a down town bound _bus_, +en route for the sugar bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, & Co. It +was evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson plied his +knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's accounts, and the +tremulousness with which he drove the porcupine quill, that Jipson was +thinking of something else! + +"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of Look, Sharp, & Co., +to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the counting room. + +"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from his day-book, +and not heeding the remark, though he saw the person of his employer. + +"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt. + +"All folly!" + +"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment. + +"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg pardon, sir. Engrossed +in a little affair of my own, I quite overlooked your observation. I +will attend to the account of Look, Sharp, & Co., at once, sir;" and +while Jipson was at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith +could be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly +deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction for many years +previous. The little _incident_ was mentioned to the partner, Comeagain. +The firm first laughed, then wondered what was up to disturb the usual +equilibrium of Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or +nothing! + +"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife is a good woman +enough, but like most women, lets her vanity trip up her common sense, +now and then; she feels cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are +plunging out with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano +going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes, guess I'll do +it. + +"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors--not only in a pecuniary, but +domestic sense--that these dinners, suppers and parties to the rag-tag +and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning people, who _ought_ to be ashamed +of them. + +"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!" + +A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange the programme. +When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she vainly supposed, the prevalence of +"better sense" on the part of her husband, she was good as cranberry +tart, and flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event that +was to give _eclat_ to the new residence and family of the Jipsons, +slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory of the Tannersoil family, +and create a commotion generally--above Bleecker street! + +Jipson _drew_ on his employers, for a quarter's salary. The draft was +honored, of course, but it led to some _speculation_ on the part of "the +firm," as to what Jipson was up to, and whether he wasn't getting into +evil habits, and decidedly bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked, +Mrs. Jipson talked. Their almost--in fact, Mrs. J., like most ambitious +mothers, thought, _really_--marriageable daughters dreamed and talked +dinner parties for the full month, ere the great event of their lives +came duly off. + +One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite--who to get to come, +and _where_ to get them! Now, originally, the Jipsons were from the +"Hills of New Hampshire, of poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years +in the great metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance +among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates, ebbs and flows +at such a rate, that society--such as domestic people might recognize as +unequivocally genteel--is hard to fasten to or find. But one of the Miss +Jipsons possessed an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose +brother was a young gentleman of very _distingue_ air, and who knew the +entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed that sort of +existence in the gay metropolis. + +Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged. It was his, as +many others' vocation, to arrange details, command the feast, select the +company, and control the coming event. The Jipsons confined their +invitations to the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the +diminutiveness of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith, who was +permitted to review the parties invited. + +Few domiciles--of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"--were better +illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson, on the evening of +the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had volunteered to "engage" a whole set +of silver from Tinplate & Co., who generously offer our ambitious +citizens such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration; while +china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white aprons, with six +plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in Smith's programme. Jipson +at first was puzzled to know where he could find volunteers to fill two +dozen chairs, but when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of +tactics truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of plates, +napkins and wine glasses. + +Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not a little vexed +at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and the independent manner in +which they monopolized attention and made themselves at home. + +Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man." Smith was at home, +in his element; he was head and foot of the party. Himself and friends +soon led and ruled the feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the +wine _fizzed_, the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with +Burgundy, Claret and Champagne! + +"To our host!" cries Smith. + +"Yes--ah! 'ere's--ah! to our a--our host!" echoes another swell, already +insolently "corned." + +"Where the--a--where is our worthy host?" says another specimen of +"above Bleecker street" genteel society. "I--a say, trot out your host, +and let's give the old fellow a toast!" + +"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck bloods, +spilling their wine over the carpets, one another, and table covers. + +"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in the act of being +kept _cool_ by his wife, in the drawing-room. + +"Never mind, Jipson----" + +"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells. + +"I-ah--say, Mister----" + +"Old roostaw, I say----" + +"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating his voice and +fists. + +"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife. + +"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are." + +"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries Mrs. Jipson. + +"What--ah--are you at? Does he--ah----" + +"Yes, what--ah--does old Jip say?" + +"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call gentlemen?" chimes in +a third. + +"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson. + +"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we--ah--are--ah--to blame +for--ah--patronizing a snob," continues a swell. + +"A what?" shouts Jipson. + +"A plebeian!" + +"A codfish--ah----" + +"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged Jipson, rushing +at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right and left, upsetting chairs, +tables, and lamps. + +"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest. + +"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies. + +"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter. + +Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch fiddlers, only +engaged for the occasion, taking no interest in a free fight, and not +caring two cents who whipped, laid back and-- + +"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!" + +Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the men folks (!) +began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed; called for their hats, shawls, +and _chaperones_,--the most of the latter, however, were _non est_, or +too well "set up," to heed the common state of affairs. + +Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within the walls for a +week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the daughters not only got over +their hysterics, but ideas of gentility, as practised "above Bleecker +street." It took poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial +"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get over their +grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis. + + + + +Look out for them Lobsters. + + +Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride +upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed +_crustacea_, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith +fulminated, by _some_ of our professors of gastronomics that we have +seen, we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant for +the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been disappointed several times +by assertions of the lobster merchants, who, in their overwhelming zeal +to effect a sale, had been a little too sanguine of the precise _time_ +said lobsters were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten +pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet country, the +deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster no better than it +should be! + +"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,--"get them alive +and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself; be sure of their freshness, and +have them cooked more carefully and properly." + +"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell them, I observe, +near the depot,--right out of the boat. I'm much obliged for the +notion." + +The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,--as he was about to return +home, he goes to the bridge and bargains for two live lobsters, fine, +active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive and kicking, and no mistake! + +"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to the purveyor of the +_crustacea_, as he gazed wistfully upon the two sprawling, ugly, green +and scratching lobsters, as they lay before him upon the planks at his +feet. + +"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,--"why, bile 'em and eat +'em! I bet you a dollar you never ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow, +mister!" + +The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the speaker, as much as to +say--"you don't say so?" + +"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?" + +"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough; here, Saul," says +he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue pants--_sans_ hat or boots, +and but one _gallows_ to his breeches, "here, you, light upon these +lobsters and carry 'em home for this old gentleman." + +"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I reside ten miles +out in the country!" + +"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant; "well, I tell you, +Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in this 'ere bag, if you're goin' +out?" + +"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go right along with +me." + +The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack, thrown across the +shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away they went at the heels of the +deacon, to the depot; here Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until +their bones or shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a +"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of one of the +lobsters protruded out of the bag--opened and shut with a _clack_, that +made the deacon shudder! + +"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they not, my son?" says +the deacon. + +"Not _werry_," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you see they's got +pegs down here--_hallo!_" As Saul poked his hand down towards the big +claw lying partly out of the open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and +_clacked_ at his fingers, ferocious as a mad dog. + +"His peg's out," said the boy--"and I can't fasten it; but here's a +chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get out, any how, and you +kin put 'em into yer pot right out of the bag." + +"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care of them; bring +them here; there, just place the bag right in under my seat; so, that +will do." + +Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure +approached, and soon every seat around the worthy deacon was occupied. +By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady," in front of the deacon, began to +_fussle_ about and twist around, as if anxious to arrange the great +amplitude of her _drapery_, and look after something "bothering" her +feet. In front of the lady, sat a _slab_-sided _genus_ dandy, fat as a +match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a pale-face dog, +with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, quite as gaudy as his +master's neck-choker; this canine gave an awful-- + +"_Ihk!_ ow, yow! yow-oo--yow, ook! yow! _yow!_ YOW!" + +"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon, jumping up, and +making a desperate splurge to get up on to the seats, and in the effort +upsetting sundry bundles and parcels around her! + +"Yow-_ook!_ Yow-_ook!_" yelled the dog, jumping clear out of the grasp +of the juvenile _Mantillini_, and dashing himself on to the head and +shoulders of the next seat occupants, one of whom was a sturdy civilized +Irishman, who made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and to +the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, he sung out: + +"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil _mad_?" + +"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother. + +"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another. + +"Whur-r-r-r! ye _divil!_" cries the Irish gintilman, pinning the poor +dog down between the seats, with a force that extracted another glorious +yell. + +"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!" + +"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the rear of the deacon, +leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his leg vigorously. + +"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one. + +"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating his seat and +crowding towards the door. + +"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady. + +"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once. + +"Good _conscience!_" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped his newspaper, +in the midst of the din--noise and confusion; and with a most singular +and spasmodic effort to dance a "_high_land fling," he hustled out of +his seat, exclaiming: + +"Good conscience, I really believe they're out." + +"Eh? What--what's out?" cries one. + +"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane. + +"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several. + +"Snakes!" cried a dozen. + +"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed. + +"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!" + +"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din! + +"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?" says the conductor, +coming to the rescue. + +"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once. + +"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one, while all eyes were +directed, tongues wagging, and hands gesticulating furiously at the +astonished deacon. + +"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe I'm bitten clear +through my boot--catch them, Mr. Swallow!" cries the deacon. + +"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy. + +"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around. + +"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,--_my lobsters, sir_," says the +deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor and the man with the cane +get at the _reptiles_, as the latter insisted. + +"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!" + +"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a mock heroic shrug of his +shoulders, and looking fierce as two cents! + +"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them. + +"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have got their pins +out!" + +"Why, they are _alive_, and crawling around; hear the old fellow,--take +care, Mr. Swaller--he's cross as sin!" says the man with the +cane--"wasn't that a _snap_? Take care! You got him?" that indefatigable +assistant continued, rattling his tongue and cane. + +"I've got them!" cries the conductor. + +"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon. + +"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody. + +"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy another _live +lobster!_" + +Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but when young +Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed with the _Irishman_, at +"the last stopping place," in his excitement, leaving a quart jug of +whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog. + + + + +The Fitzfaddles at Hull. + + +"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go, +you must _go_, that's all." + +"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"--pettishly reiterates the lady of the +middle-aged man of business; "mention any thing that would be gratifying +to the children--" + +"The children--_umph!_" + +"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up souls to, +to--to the Springs--" + +"_Haven't_ they been to Saratoga? _Didn't_ I spend a month of my +precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars there, four years +ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed, worried, starved, and--laughed +at?" Fitzfaddle responds. + +"Or, to the sea-side--" continued the lady. + +"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook--" + +"Don't call me _Sook_, Fitzfaddle; _Sook!_ I'm not _in_ the kitchen, nor +_of_ the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!" said the lady, +with evident feeling. + +"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, don't be so rabid; +don't be foolish, in your old days; my dear, we've spent the happiest of +our days in the kitchen; when we were first married, _Susan_, when our +whole stock in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs--" + +"Well, that's enough about it--" interposed the lady. + +"A plain old pine breakfast table--" continued Fitz. + +"I'd stop, just THERE--" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz. + +"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard--" +persevered the indefatigable monster. + +"I'd go through the whole inventory--" angrily cried Mrs. Fitz--"clean +down to--" + +"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had--" + +"Don't you--_don't you feel ashamed of yourself_?" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, +about as full of anger as she could well contain; but Fitz keeps the +even tenor of his way. + +"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever forget a jot of +the real happiness of any portion of my life. When you and I, dear Sook +(an awful scowl, and a sudden change of her position, on her costly +rocking chair. Fitz looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when +you and I, _Susan_, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue frame,' +down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or piece of mahogany, or +silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery of any sort, the five old +chairs--" + +"Good conscience! are you going to have that over again?" cries Mrs. +Fitz, with the utmost chagrin. + +"The old white pine table--" + +Mrs. Fitz starts in horror. + +"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!" + +Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor! + +"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had--" + +Nature quite "gin eout"--the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle throws herself +down upon the sumptuous _conversazione_, and absorbs her grief in the +ample folds of a lace-wrought handkerchief (bought at Warren's--cost the +entire profits of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle & Co.'s A No. 1 cod!), +while the imperturbable Fitz drives on-- + +"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan--the time and again, Susan, I've +sat in that little kitchen--" + +Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence, so dear to +Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her. + +"With little Nanny--" + +"You--you brute! You--you vulgar--you--you Fitzfaddle. Nanny! to call +your daughter N-Nanny!" + +"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny--" says the matter-of-fact head of the firm of +Fitzfaddle & Co. "I believe we did intend to call the girl Nancy; we +_did_ call her Nanny, Mrs. Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your +innovations, things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my soul +that girl has had five changes in her name before you concluded it was +up to the highest point of modern respectability. From Nancy you had it +Nannette, from Nannette to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it +was rested at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess of +nonsense to _handle_ my plain name." + +"Anna Antoinette De Orville"--said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly rallying, "_is_ a +name, only made _plain_ by your ugly and countryfied prefix. De Orville +is a name," said the lady. + +"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon what pretext, +Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a Frenchy and flighty name or +title as De Orville?" + +"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz. + +"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, _Sook_," says Fitzfaddle. + +"_Sook!_" almost screams Mrs. Fitz. + +"Yes, _Sook_, Sook _Scovill_, daughter of a good old-fashioned, +patriotic farmer--_Timothy Scovill_, of Tanner's Mills, in the county of +Tuggs--down East. And when I married Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a +rustling of silk is heard--a door slams, and the old gentleman finishes +his domestic narrative, _solus!_), she was as fine a gal as the State +ever produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged or put +out, on the account of our poverty. We started in the world square; +happy as clams, nothing but what was useful around us; it is a happy +reflection to look back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's +old chest, and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard--the cracked pots +and pans--the old stove--Sook as ruddy and bright as a full-blown rose, +as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor, dining room, and +kitchen--turning her slap-jacks, frying, baking and boiling, and I often +by her side, with our first child, Nanny, on my--" + +"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough +recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, re-entering the parlor. + +"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when I sat and read to +you, or held Nanny, while you--" + +"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake--" + +"While you--ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown rose, bent over +your mother's old cook stove--" + +"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?" cried the really +_tried_ woman. + +"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the action to the +word. + +"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated paroxysm of pity +and indignation, but Fitz let it come. + +"_While I dandled Nanny on my knee!_" + +A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past, and Mrs. Fitz +fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign to come. At length, +after a deal of "dicker," Fitz remembering only the bad dinners, small +rooms, large bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and +clamor of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts; and +Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show and extravagance) +she had run against the many ambitious shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's, +lawyers' and doctors' daughters--Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the +family,--Mrs. Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters--Anna Antoinette +De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville, and Alexander Montressor De +Orville, and two servants--start in style, for the famed city of Hull! + +It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had secured, upon +accommodating terms, rooms &c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's own choosing. With +the diplomacy of five prime ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and +circumstance of a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,--husband rich, +and indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters," you +may--if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place," fancy Mrs. +Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about a third of the _swarth_ +she cut. The first evident opposition Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from +the wife of a wine merchant. This lady made her _entree_ at ---- House, +with a pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity of +band boxes, patent leather trunks, and--her husband. The first day Mrs. +Oldport sat at table, her new style of dress, and her European jewels, +were the afternoon talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles _spread_, and Mrs. +Oldport was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up" an +artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of dress and +proficiency in music took down the entire collection! Mrs. Michael +Angelo Smythe and daughter captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's +"circle"--a young naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her +chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening Mrs. F. +got up,--to get back her two recruits--a grand private _hop_, at a cost +of $130! And the close of the week brought such a cloud of beauty, +jewels, marriageable daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &c., that +Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic arrangements, +her competitions, stratagems,--her fuss, her jewels, silks, satins and +feathers, that a nervous-headache preceded a typhus fever, and the +unfortunate lady was forced to retire from the field of her glory at the +end of the third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle +out of pocket--more or less--_five hundred dollars!_ The last we heard +of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good old times when he rejoiced +in five old chairs--cook stove--slap-jacks, &c.! + + + + +Putting Me on a Platform! + + +Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds +have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly +informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too +eternal slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never cared a +tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of getting quietly +along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort and knowledge, has sufficed to +engross my individual attention; but I've often "had my joke" by +observing the various grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to +nob, patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle, in +which they might be the centre pin! This desire, or feeling, is a part +and parcel of human nature; you will observe it every where--among the +dusky and man-eating citizens of the Fejee Islands--the dog-eating +population of China--the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants, +ye _Yankoos_ of the new world; all, all have a tendency for lionization. + +This very _innocent_ pastime finds a great many supporters, too; +toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth the vain glory of +man; if you can only get a _toady_--the _more_ the better--you can the +sooner and firmer fix your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as +thrift must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially +necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser quantity of the +goods and chattels of this world, or some kind of tangible effects, to +grease the wheels of your emollient supporters; otherwise you will soon +find all your air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere +gas, and your stern in the gravel immediately. + +Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their gas and +human weakness. I have said that I never sought distinction, but I have +had it thrust upon me more than once, and the last effort of the kind +was so particularly _salubrious_, that I must relate to you, +_confidentially_ of course, how it came about. + +When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I spent much of my +time in surveying "the lions," dipping into this, and peeping into that; +promenading the Common and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker +Hill; ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &c., &c. + +Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable building was +undergoing some repairs, placards were tacked up about the doors, +prohibiting persons from strolling about the capitol. The attendant was +very polite, and told me, and several others desirous to see the +building inside, that if we called in the course of a few days, we could +be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged about the +work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so closely in my desire to +examine the interior, while on the spot, that the man, when the rest of +the visitors had gone, relented, and I was not only allowed to see what +I should see, but he _toted_ me "round." + +We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and learned all the +particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms, closets, &c., and then +came to the Senate Chamber. This you know is something finer than the +country meeting house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the +"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull, Squantum, +etc.,--incipient Demostheneses, and sucking Ciceros, first tap their +gasometers "in the haouse." Here I found the venerable pictures of the +ancient _mugs_, who have figured as Governors, &c., of the commonwealth, +from the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton, who, +strange as it may appear, was really elected Governor, though a +double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers, swords, drums and muskets, that +doubtless rattled and banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully +and critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate, I +mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about three feet of Webster's +first oration at Bunker Hill. To be sure, my audience was _small_, but +_it_ was duly attentive, and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my +ribs, after the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the day, +he--my audience--opened his mouth, and stretched his eyes to the size of +dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at eloquence; the very ears of the +_canvased_ governors seemed pricked up, and I descended the stand big as +Mogul, insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant, +informed him I should call in a few days to take a view from the top of +the dome, &c. He bowed and I took myself off. + +Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of the State +House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to the top of the dome +and get a view of the city and suburbs. + +My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped eyes upon me, than he +pitched into all manner of highfernooten flub-dubs, bowed and scraped, +and regretted that the day was so misty and dull, as I would not be +enabled to have half a chance to get a view. + +"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he. + +"What's the reason?" asked I. + +"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the city and the +villages around, and you'll want to get them all down distinct." + +"Get them all _down_ distinct?" quoth I. + +"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll not see half +the prominent buildings, never mind the whole of the former and not so +easily seen houses. You intend taking a full view, don't you, sir?" + +"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive what caused +such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition of the man's great interest +in my getting "a first rate notice" of matters and things from the top +of the capitol! But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears +of my not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could wish. +Having gratified myself with such a view as the weather and the height +of the capitol afforded (and in clear weather you can get far the best +survey of Boston and the environs from the top of the State House than +from any other promontory about), I descended again. At the foot of the +stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me, introduced several other +miscellaneous-looking chaps to me, and, in short, was making of me, why +or wherefore I knew not, quite a lion! + +"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could you get the +outline?" + +"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine." + +"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin, sir, let me +know, and I'll lock the upper doors when you go up, and you'll not be +disturbed, sir." + +"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement. + +"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as early in the +morning as possible, or, if convenient, before the visitors begin to +come up; they'd disturb you, you know!" + +"Disturb _me!_ Why, I don't know how they would do that?" + +"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith--you know Mr. Smith, sir, I suppose?" + +"Why, yes; the name strikes me as _somewhat_ familiar; do you refer to +_John Smith_?" I observed, beginning to participate in the joke, which +began to develop itself pretty distinctly. + +"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John--John R. Smith; he's a splendid +artist, sir; _his_ sketch or panorama is a beauty! Sir! did you ever see +his panorama?" + +"I think I did, in New York," I replied. + +By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated around us, and I +was the centre of a considerable circle, and from the whispers, and +pointing of fingers, I felt duly sensible, that, great or small, I was a +LION! Under what auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me +it was an unaccountable mist'ry. + +"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady; "I can have a +small platform erected, outside of the cupola, for you, to place your +_designs_ or sketches on, and you'll not be so liable to be disturbed. +Mr. Smith, he had a platform made, sir." + +I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber. + +"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the devil do you +take me for?" + +"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in, sir," said he, with a +very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes. + +"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit for devilish keen +perception; but, if it's a fair question," I continued, "what do you +mean by fixing a platform for my _designs_? You don't think I'm going to +fly, jump or deliver orations from the cupola, do you?" + +"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of Boston, ain't you?" + +"ME?" + +"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?" + +"Oh, yes, yes--I understand--you've found me out, but keep dark--mum's +the word--you understand?" said I, winkingly. + +"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform outside, I +guess." + +"Yes; out with it, and _keep dark until I come!_" + +I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off my corked up +risibilities.--Whether the man actually did prepare a platform for my +designs, or whether Banvard ever went to take his designs there, I am +unable to say, as I went South a few days afterward, and did not return +for some time. + + + + +The Exorbitancy of Meanness. + + +Few _extravaganzas_ of man or woman lay such a heavy _stress_ upon the +pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but it's +nothing of the kind. How many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How +many to cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling +ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones refused to let +his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and when Jones's house was in +a blaze, Johnson forbid him touching his water to put it out. Smith by +accident ran his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut +away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon, dislocated +Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and Peppers being a mighty +spunky, as well as a powerfully mean man, fought it out four years, and +finally sunk every cent he had in the world by the slight transaction. +It is a first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and +feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book, isn't +worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go in, marry money if you can, +save up some, but don't cultivate meanness, for it never pays. + + + + +"Taking Down" a Sheriff. + + +Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a _district_ out +West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy +Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and +putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time, _sans +l'argent_, to live like a prince. Buck was what the world would call a +devilish clever fellow; he was something of a scholar, with the +smattering of a gentleman; good at off-hand dinner table oratory, good +looking, and what never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair +enough about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes. Buck +was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense enough not to waste +his _gas_-conade--ergo, he had the merit not to falsify to ye ancient +falsifiers. + +The Honorable Mr. Buck's _manner_ of living not being "seconded" by a +corresponding manner of _means_, he very frequently ran things in the +ground, got in debt, head and heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized +a dealer in Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount of +some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator of said +cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad towards the last, and +threatened "the Western member" with a course of legal sprouts, unless +he "showed cause," or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck +had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and not being +spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let the notice slide. + +Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John through; so he got +out a writ of the savagest kind--arson, burglary and false +pretence--and a deputy sheriff was soon on the taps to smoke the Western +member out of his boots. Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel, +where the honorable gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found he +had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel. Thither, the next +day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother Yohe--rest her soul!--informed +the officer that the honorable gentleman had stepped out one morning, in +a hurry like, and forgot to pay a small bill! + +John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he had left his mark +and cleared for Sanderson's, where the indefatigable tailor and his +terrier of the law, pursued the member, and learned that he had gone to +Washington! + +"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears. + +"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off; merely a dodge to +get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!" + +Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other bills, amounting +to a good round sum, were lodged at the Sheriff's office, and the very +Sheriff himself took it in hand to nab the _cidevant_ M. C., and cause +him to suffer a little for his country and his friends! + +Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician of popular +renown--a good, jolly fellow--knew the Hon. Mr. Buck, having had "the +pleasure of his acquaintance" some months previous, and having been +_floored_ in a political argument with the "Western member," was +inclined to be down upon him. + +"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he thrust "the +documents" into his pocket and proceeded to hunt up the transgressor. +Accidentally, as it were, who should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner +into the grand _trottoir_, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye +ballot-box in the rural districts, once upon a time! + +"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims the Ex-M. C., +as familiarly as you please. + +"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you." + +"Fine day, Sheriff?" + +"Elegant, sir, _prime_," says the Sheriff. + +"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam trade? Did you +read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening of Jenkins's ditch?" + +For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation, Sheriff F. _put_ +some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded along until they +approached a well-known dining saloon, then under the supervision of a +burly Englishman; and, as it was about the time people dined, and the +Sheriff being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about as +well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed-- + +"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old Sherry, at ----? +We don't often meet (?), so let's sit down and have a quiet talk over +things." + +"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to, just as soon as +not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business with you, and it would +be hardly friendly to eat your dinner before apprizing you of the fact, +sir." + +"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat alarmed Diddler; +"nothing serious, of course?" + +"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a _writ_, Mr. Buck; a writ, +that's all." + +"For my arrest?" + +"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff. + +"The deuce! What's the charge!" + +"Debt--false pretence--_swindling!_" + +"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered Ex-M. C.; +"well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business spoil our digestion; come, +let us dine, and then I'm ready for execution!" says the "Western +member," with well affected gaiety. + +Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a burly waiter +appeared. + +"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just what you like; I +leave it to you, sir." + +"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?" + +"Good." + +"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?" + +"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C. + +"And a--Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side dishes you have," +says the Sheriff. + +"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order. + +"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent. + +"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you take Sherry, +Buck?" + +"Yes, I'll go Sherry." + +The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the time the dinner was +spread. + +"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says the Diddler. + +"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?" + +A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies sat back and +really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the sumptuously kept +restaurant; they then drank and smoked, until sated nature cried enough, +and the Sheriff began to think of business. + +"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!" + +"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed to the office." + +"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English ale," says the +Hon. Mr. Buck. + +"Yes, sir." + +"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings the ale," +said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment," to speak to the +landlord. + +"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman with whom I've +dined in 15?" + +"No, I don't," says the landlord. + +"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no _particular_ acquaintance with him; +he invited me here to dine; I suppose he intends to pay for what he +ordered, but (whispering) _you had better get your money before he gets +out of that room!_" + +"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!" said the burly +landlord, making tracks for the room, from which the Sheriff was now +emerging, to look after his prisoner. + +"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a dollar in the +waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for it." So saying, he +vamosed. + +"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a writ, and--" + +"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and come along!" +exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself _scarce!_ + +It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority," and innocence in +the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the waiter swore roundly that +the other gentleman had paid for all he ordered, and the landlord, who +could not be convinced to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge +him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off, he had his +wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only lost his prisoner, but +lost his temper, at the trick played upon him by the Hon. Jeremy +Diddler. + + + + +Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire. + + +It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of +anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys +and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were +not found out and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before +they were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned in forges +and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we think, yet we distinctly +remember when a few canal boats only were engaged in transporting from +the few mines that were open and worked along the Schuylkill--the +comparatively few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, not +sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but little if any +coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill mines at all. + +Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed Col. Davis, +of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather amusing account of the +first successful attempt of a very distinguished old gentleman, Gov. +Mifflin, to ignite a pile of stone coal. The date of the transaction, +more's the pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something +after this fashion. + +Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine estate in Mifflin +county, and in which county was discovered from time to time, any +quantity of black rock, as the farmers commonly called the then unknown +anthracite. Of course, the old governor knew something about stone coal, +and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure, the +governor was in the habit of experimenting upon the black rocks by +subjecting them to wood fire upon his hearths; but the hard, almost +flint-like anthracite of that region resisted, with most obdurate +pertinacity, the oft-repeated attempts of the governor to set it on +fire. It finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania Dutch +farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin was studying out +a theory to set his hills and fields on fire, and burn out the obnoxious +black rock and boulders. But, despite the jibes and jokes of his +dogmatical friends, the old governor stuck to his experiments, and the +result produced, as most generally it does through perseverance and +practice, a new and useful fact, or principle. + +One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched up in his +easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory fire, overhauling +ponderous state documents, and deeply engrossed in the affairs of the +people, when his eye caught the outline of a big black rock boulder upon +the mantle-piece before him--it was a beautiful specimen of variegated +anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from its lacquered +angles. The governor thought "a heap" of this specimen of the black +rock, but dropping all the documents and State papers pell-mell upon the +floor, he seized the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon +the blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner +watched the operation. To his great delight the black rock was soon red +hot--he called for his servant man, a sable son of Africa, or some down +South Congo-- + +"Isaac." + +"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah." + +"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of that black +rock." + +"Yes, sah, I'se gone." + +In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of the anthracite, and +handing it over to the governor, it was placed in a favorable position +alongside of the first lump, and the governor's eyes fairly danced +polkas as he witnessed the fact of the two pieces of black rock +assuming a red hot complexion. + +"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor. + +"Yes, sah." + +"Run out--get another lump." + +"Yes, sah." + +A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the governor's +private parlor was augmented by the appearance of the governor's lady +and other portions of the family, who, seeing Isaac lugging in the +rocks, came to the conclusion that the governor was going "clean crazy" +over his experiments. It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters +tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate," over the +roaring fire. + +"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy, igniting anthracite? +Go way; close the doors; I've got the rocks on fire--I'll make them +laugh t'other side of their mouths, at my black rock fires!" + +In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring and +exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage drove up, and two +gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate audience with Gov. Mifflin; +but so deeply engaged was the governor, that he refused the strangers an +audience, and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they must +"come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on more black rocks, +brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers. + +"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business admits of no +delay." + +"Can't help it, can't help you--see how it blazes, see how it burns!" +cried the abstracted or mentally and physically absorbed governor. + +"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if--" + +"Let him be hanged--hurra! See how it burns; call in the neighbors; let +them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd surprise them!" + +"But, governor, will you please delay this--" + +"Delay? No, not for the President of the United States. I've been trying +this experiment for eight years. I've now succeeded--see, see how it +burns! Run, Isaac, over to Dr. ----'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr. +S----'s, tell Mr. H---- to come, come everybody--I've got the black +rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran the governor through +the storm, down to the village, like a madman, leaving the strangers and +part of his household as spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as +the governor cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and the +pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double quick time, +hailed him. + +"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on--_yeou the guv'ner_?" + +"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate. + +"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the pedler, dismounting +from his wagon, and making his appearance at the front door, where he +encountered the two rather astonished strangers--legal gentlemen of some +eminence, from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution. + +"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler. + +"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the governor you spoke +to as you drove up." + +"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about som'-thin'. What on +airth ails the ole feller?" + +"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again." + +"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves," cried the excited +Governor of the great Key Stone State; "there's a roaring fire of +burning, blazing, black rock, anthracite coal!" + +But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim, and the +coal being thrown down upon the ashes and stone hearth,--_was all out!_ + +"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the crowd into the +house, "I guess I know what yeou be at, guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou +naow, yeou can't begin to keep that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less +yeou fix it up in a grate, like, gin it air, and an almighty draught; +yeou see, guv'ner, I've been making experiments a darn'd long while with +it!" + +The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler went into a +practical theory on burning stone coal; the _respite_ was +signed--hospitalities of the mansion extended to all present, and in +course of a few days, our Yankee and the governor rigged up a grate, and +soon settled the question--will our black rocks burn? + + + + +Sure Cure. + + +Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly +effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile +of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a +caravan. After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started +homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond anticipation, that +I could hardly keep in my old boots! And all the _dunnage_ I had left, +wouldn't fill a pocket-handkerchief, or sell to a paper-maker for four +cents!" + +Cutaway recommends seeing the _worldy_ elephant, high, for settling +one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels. + + + + +Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber. + + +Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have +suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the people who didn't +pay! Many of the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black +list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid _cash account_ bulky +enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in this way intensely. +About one half of the "subscribers" to the _Clarion of Freedom_, or the +_Universal Democrat_, or the _Whig Shot Tower_, seem to labor under the +Utopian notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription +lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own peculiar amusement, +and carried them or sent them to the doors of the public for mere +pastime! Every publisher, of about every paper we ever examined, about +this time of year, has told his own story--requested his subscribers to +come forward--pay over--help to keep the mill going--creditors +easy--fire in the stove--meal in the barrel--children in bread, butter +and shoes--Sheriff at bay, and other tragical affairs connected with the +operations attendant upon unsettled cash accounts! But, how many heed +such "notices?" Paying subscribers do not read them--such applications +do not apply to them--_they_ regret to see them in the paper, and, like +honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or meddle with other people's +shortcomings. The delinquent subscriber don't read such _calls_ upon his +humanity--they are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the +_notice_ to pay up, and chuckles to himself--"Ah, umph! dun away, old +feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends money by mail; it might be +lost, and the man that duns _me_ for two or three dollars' worth of +newspapers, _may get it if he knows how_." + +Well, the good time has _come_. Printers now may wait no longer; the +jig's up--they have found out a _way_ to get their money just as easy as +other laborers in the fields of science, art, mechanism, law, physic and +religion, get theirs. Let the printer cry _Eureka_. + +Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine arts, best +tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper press, was a tooth +operator of some skill and great pretension. He lived and moved in +modern style, and though no man could be more desirous of indulging in +"short credit," no man believed or acted more readily upon the +principle-- + + ----"base is the slave that _pays_." + +Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the _well done_ +community of Boston and the environs, for fields more congenial to his +peculiar talents. He _stuck_ the printer, of course. His numerous +subscription accounts to the various local news and literary journals, +in the aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers didn't +begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to head off a Yankee, and about +this time a live, double-grand-action Yankee, named Peabody, possibly, +happened in at one of the offices, where two brother publishers were +"making a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially were +they wrought up against and giving jessy to Dr. Pendleton St. Clair +Smith! + +"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody. + +"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation." + +"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give me the full +particulars of the man, his manners and customs, name and size, and +sell me your accounts, at a low notch, I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em, +too, if the feller's alive, out of jail, and any where around between +sunrise and sunset!" + +The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding that Peabody +was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts, &c., and for a five +dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put in possession of an account of some +twenty odd dollars and cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith. + +Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction, established a +peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic battery, or endless chain +of them, extending all over the country, for collecting bad debts, and +_shocking_ fugitives, or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of +faculties, causes and effects--shrewdness and forethought peculiar to a +man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones--Peabody +couldn't be _dodged_. If he ever got his _feelers_ on to a subject, the +_equivalent_ was bound to be turning up! It struck him that the +collection of newspaper bills afforded him a great field for working his +Telegraph, and he hasn't been mistaken. + +The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant month of June, +as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith was to be seen +before his toilet glass in the flourishing city of Syracuse,--giving the +finishing stroke to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with +which he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his mind and +the _confidence_ with which he rested, in regard to his newspaper 'bills +in Boston. But a _tap_ is heard at his door, and at his invitation the +servant comes in, announces a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of +speaking to Dr. Smith. The Doctor waits upon the visitor-- + +"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?" + +"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual. + +"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the firm of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have a small (!) bill against +you, sir, to collect." + +"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor. + +"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!" + +"I a--I a, you a--well, you call in this evening," says the Doctor, +tremulously fumbling in his pockets--"I'll settle with you; good +morning." + +"Good morning, sir," says the collector,--"I'll call." + +That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed! He had barely got +located in Syracuse, before they had traced him; if he paid the printer, +a cloud of other debts would follow, and so he up stakes and made a +fresh _dive!_ + +"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself and baggage down +in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now I'll be out of the range of the +duns; they won't get sight or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a +hat!" + +But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very suspicious, +hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as the deputed collector of +certain newspaper accounts, forwarded from Boston, by Peabody, Grab, +Catchem, & Co. The Dr. uttered a very severe _anathema_; he looked quite +streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call in course +of the day, and the bill would be attended to. The collector hoped it +would be attended to, and left; so did Dr. P. St. C. Smith _in the next +mail line_. + +About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St. C. Smith was +seen strutting around in Charters st., New Orleans, confident in his +security, smiling in the brightness of the scenes around him; he had +just negotiated for an office, had already concocted his advertisements, +and subscribed for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from Boston +appeared to him, in the hand of an _agent_ of Peabody, Grab, Catchem & +Co. The Dr. was almost tempted to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the +_agent_ had a hat full of others--from the same place--for larger +amounts! The next day the Doctor _put_ for Texas! planting himself in +the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the bottom of his +heart--he determined to keep clear of them, even if he had to bury +himself away out here in Texas. But what was his horror to find, the +first week of his hanging up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., _was there!_ The Doctor _stepped_ to +Galveston; on the way he accidentally _met_ a travelling agent of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co. The Doctor took the _Sabine_ slide for +Tampico; there he found the "black vomit." He up and off again, for +Mobile; his nervous system was much worked up and his pocket-book sadly +depleted! There were two alternatives--change his name, size and +profession, and live in a swamp; _or settle with the firm of Peabody, +Grab, Catchem & Co_. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith chose the latter; he +sought and soon found in Mobile, a veritable _agent_, duly authorized to +receive and forward funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., and hunt up +and down--fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up--felt better, +and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers are no longer to +be the printers' ghosts. + + + + +Ambition. + + +A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a +grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their glory for +half a century or more, reduced to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a +shock which requires a long stay in a city to counteract.--The gentlemen +who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less than a century, +have their bones carted away to make room for a street sewer. Queer +creature that man--well, he is. + + + + +Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer. + + +"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I expected it long +ago. I told Jones it'd come out so." + +"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's wife has run +off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?" + +"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood for a year +past, that Miller's wife and that feller--Bob Tape, were a leetle too +thick?" + +"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't recollect anybody +saying anything about it, but you, and for my part, I don't believe a +word of it." + +"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh. + +"I don't know--is she?" says Brown. + +"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning, the fust thing, +to see if Bob Tape was about--he wasn't there--they said he'd gone to +Boston on business for old Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started +for Heeltap's shop; we had allers said how things would turn out. He was +out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin', and says he: + +"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!--I've been over to old Mammy +Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to Miller's, on purtence of +borrowin' some lard, but told Suke to look around and see ef Miller's +wife wur about; by Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles +couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the children +whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered her to scoot, so Suke +left without hearing the facts in the case, as 'Squire Black says.' + +"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob Tape have +_sloped_, as they say in the papers." + +"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true--I don't believe a word of +it tho', and as it's none of my business, I shall have nothing to say +about it." + +Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost every village, +town and hamlet in the country is more or less accursed with. He was a +great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed, grinning _genius_, who, being in +possession of a small farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it, +did not do anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of +_scan, mag_., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and a stronger +suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions, and, of course, +never imputed a good motive or movement to anybody. + +You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't you, reader? Such +people are great nuisances--half the discomforts of life are bred by +them; they contaminate and poison the air they breathe, with their +noisome breath, like the odor of the Upas tree. + +Uncle Josh had annoyed many--he was the dread and disgust of +seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had caused more quarrels, +smutted more characters, and created more ill-feeling between friends, +neighbors and acquaintances, than all else beside in the community of +Frogtown. Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a sneaking, +meddling old granny by the women. So, at last, the young women of the +town did agree, that the very next time Uncle Josh carried, concocted, +or circulated any slanderous or otherwise mischievous stories, _they +would duck him in the mill-race_. + +Now, Brown--old Mister Brown--was the very antipode of Uncle Josh; he +was for always taking matters and things by the smoothest handle. Mister +Brown never told tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a +good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown had a good word to +say about everybody. The gals thought it prudent to give old Mister +Brown an inkling of their plans in regard to the disposition they +intended to make of Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go +ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him. + +"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has just this very day +been at his dirty work; by this time he has spread the news all over the +town, that Miller's wife has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't +believe a word of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off, +Uncle Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race." + +Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been down to her sister's, +a few miles off, to see a sick child; her husband had been away at a +law-suit, in a neighboring town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing +of the report of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return. + +Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of the report. +Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a suspicion should arise of +her; she had been making Bob Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in, +and here was the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was a +great time about it--Miller swore like a trooper, and his wife nearly +cried her eyes out. + +A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in October, +Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see Miller's wife, and asked +her to join them in a little party that some of the neighboring women +had got up that evening, for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not +having much to do that evening, her husband said she might go out a +spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the purport of the +call--old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in the mill-race! and Miller's +wife, disguised as the rest, was to help do it. When she heard that old +Josh had circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not +require much coaxing to join the watering committee. + +It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve in number, were +to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for Uncle Josh at his lane gate, +about a quarter of a mile from the mill-race. Old Josh always hung +around the tavern, Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M., +before he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out of a +small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate, and throwing a +large, stout sheet over him, wind him up, and then seizing him head, +neck and heels, hurry him off to the mill-race, and duck him well. + +Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint and powder, +corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your delicate, more ornamental +than useful young ladies of the city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were +real flesh and blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance; and +it would have taken several better men than Uncle Josh to have got away +from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny night, but to better favor the +women, just as old Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured +the moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal cellar. +Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob Tape's old clothes he had +left at her house to be repaired, she gave the word, and out they +rushed. + +"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper. Over went the +sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before he could say "lor' a massy," +he was dragged to the mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his +coat taken off, and he was _ca-soused_ into the cold water! Fury! how +the old fellow begged for his life! + +"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I--a, I--" _ca-souse_ he went +again. + +"Give him another duck," says one--and in he'd go again. + +"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another. + +"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape--ca-souse he +went. + +"O, lor' a mas--mas--e, do--do--don't drown me, Bob; I'll--I'll promise +never to--" in they put him again; the water was as cold as ice. + +"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?" + +"I d--d--d--_do_ promise, if--yo--yo--yo--you--don't--duc--" and in he +went again. + +"Do you promise to mind your own business and let others alone, Uncle +Josh?" + +"Ye--ye--yes, I d--_do_, I--I--I'll promise anything--bo--boys, only let +me go," says Uncle Josh. + +"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter she was, too, +"I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied about my gal, Polly Higgins, +and--" + +"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?--Well--we--well, I said +nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it, 'deed it was." + +Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap his gruel next +night, and the moment Josh got clear of his sousers, he cut for home. +Next day Heeltap cleared himself.--Uncle Josh soon found out that he had +been ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved to Iowa, and +Frogtown has been a happy place ever since. + + + + +Penalty of Kissing your own Wife. + + +Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the +general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his +wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this +reminds us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants" +of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this harbor. Before the +Revolutionary war, one of the King's ships was stationed here, and +occasionally cruised down to the south'ard. It so chanced that after a +long absence the cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the +naval captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard of his +arrival she hastened down to the water side in order to receive him. The +worthy old sea captain, on landing, embraced his lady with tenderness +and true affection. This, as there were many spectators by, gave great +offence to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act of +indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath. The next day, +therefore, the captain was summoned before the magistrates and +selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes and pious exhortations, ordered +him to be publicly whipped! + +The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as much as +possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency of it, was not +attended with any degree of disgrace, he mixed as usual with the best of +company, and even with the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than +familiar as ever. + +At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and the captain, +therefore, with seeming concern to take leave of his worthy friends, +and that they might spend a more happy and convivial day together before +their final separation, invited the principal magistrates and selectmen +to dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship. They +readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be more glorious than +the entertainment that was given. + +At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part them--the anchor +was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing was wanted but the signal to +get under way. The captain, after taking an affectionate and formal +leave of his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck where +the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them. He here thanked them +afresh for the civilities they had shown him, of which the captain +assured them he should bear a kind remembrance. + +"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen, remains to be +adjusted between us, and as it is in my power to settle it, I shall be +most happy to do so. You infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for +evincing a due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate +the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll give you a lesson +that will last your lifetime. Boatswain, strip each of these rogues to +the waist, lash them fast and put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty +stripes each!" + +The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the whole crew, went to +the work with a hearty good will, and after giving the magistrates and +selectmen a fine dressing all around, he cut them loose, put them in +their boat, and the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared +in the dim dist cut ocean. + + + + +Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping. + + +People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding, +and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers +of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if +not double that of the luckless creatures who board. That housekeeping +has its joys it would be vain to deny, but we need no ghost come from +the grave to inform us that the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous +and as harrowing, as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house +or hire a "Betty." + +When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed against hotels, and +abominated boarding-houses; quitting both species of human habitations, +he "up" and rented a house, and to hear his glowing description of the +house--such a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too +broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors, and no +houses in the rear from which the prying eye of the curious and idle +could spy into back kitchen closets or dinner pots--in brief, +Perriwinkle went on with that strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to +new beginners in the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a +general detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he and Mrs. +P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their lives, we merely +observed-- + +"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side of your vision +yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man said of the sausages--hope for +the best, but be prepared for the worst." + +"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing but a good +time. Haven't I married one of the best women in the world? I'm too +experienced in life, my boy, to call any female women angels, doves, or +sugar plums, you know, but my wife is a real woman!" + +"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we. + +"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up for a wet +day--don't care twopence ha'penny for politics, or soldier +fol-de-rols--who wins or who loses in such hums?" + +"Granted, old fellow." + +"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged, furnished +and provisioned for a twelvemonth." + +"No doubt of all that." + +"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and of the right +stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance." + +"I hope, Peter, you have." + +"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to upset or disturb +the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come, answer that." + +"Does your domestic apparatus work well?" + +"I haven't tried it yet." + +"Are your appurtenances--your household appointments--from kitchen to +parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all they are cracked up to be?" + +"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet." + +"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking stove do things up +brown? Have you got your Bettys?" + +"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack; but I'll find out, +soon, and let you know." + +"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account of how things are +working after the first quarter's experience." + +Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended, and every +thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and happy as any thing human +under God's providence and the art and judgment of man could promise. At +midnight the company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love, +and lots of the small fry. + +Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar friend, Peter +Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for some time, we met with +greetings most cordial. + +"How is every thing, old boy--paradise regained?" + +"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head, "dear Jack,--we've +a great deal to learn in this world, and as our old friend Sam Veller +says, whether its worth while to pay so much to learn so little, at +cost--is a question." + +"You begin to think so, eh?" + +"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected--I've moved!" + +"What? Not so soon?" + +"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!" + +"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?" + +"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full of rats, bugs, +and foul air." + +"You don't say so?" + +"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys smoked, paper +peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics, a turner worked all +night, next door, the fellow that had previously lived or stayed in the +house, ran off, leaving all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was +incessantly kept ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of +the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather. I lived +there in purgatory!" + +"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?" + +"Moved--and such an infernal job as it was. You know the two vases I +received as a present from my brother, at Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken +$100 each, for them--" + +"They are worth it; more too." + +"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into a half bushel of +flinders, and I hit the centre table upon which the other stood, with a +chair, and broke it into forty pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir. +My wife packed up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister, +in a large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while our +Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy trunk, the girl lost +her balance and fell bump into the basket. She weighed over two hundred +pounds--every article of the china was crushed into powder!" + +"This was too bad," said we, condolingly. + +"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had them put down fast +and tight, never supposing they'd come up until thread-bare and out of +fashion; they were stained and daubed. The veneering of the piano and +other furniture is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are +mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a fire; one move +convinces me that the old man was right. But, my dear fellow, I won't +bore you with my miseries. We are now moved, and look comfortable again. +Call and see us, do. Good bye." + +About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening we went up town +to see him and his lady. Mrs. P., before marriage, was an uncommon +even-tempered and most amiable woman. She had now been married about six +months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P. laboring under much +"excitement," and poor Peter--he was doing his best to pacify and soothe +her-- + +"Halloo! what's the trouble?"--we were familiar enough to ask the +question--as they were alone, without intruding. + +"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and the cook have had a +misunderstanding. A little muss, that's all." + +"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you don't know how one's +temper and good nature are put out, sir, by housekeeping; by the +impudence, awkwardness, and wasteful habits of servants, sir." + +"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied. + +"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering, directing, +and watching these women and girls--had my feelings so outraged by them, +time and again, since we began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all +manner of patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to change +our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit to the awkwardness +that cost us sets of china, dozens of glasses, stained carpets, soiled +paints, smeared walls, rugs upon the top of the piano, and the piano +cloths put down for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and +puddings boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found the +dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes, she wiping the +lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook washing out her stockings in +the dinner pot--I gave way to my angry passions, and cried with +vexation!" + +And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s pilgrim stock, +couldn't stand that, nohow. + +P. S.--Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms at the Tremont +House, in order to preserve their morals and money. + + + + +Miseries of a Dandy. + + +That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear +witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting +subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible +nonsense we know of. During our junior days, while officiating as "shop +boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we used to derive some fun +from the man[oe]uvres of a dandy-jack of a fellow in the same +establishment. He was of the bullet-headed, pimpled and stubby-haired +_genus_, but dressed up to the _nines_; and had as much pride as two +half-Spanish counts or a peacock in a barnyard. + +Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory, etc., up +stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M., arrayed in the costume of _the +latest style_, as he flaunted down Chestnut Street--by the way, it was a +long, idle tramp, out of his road to do so,--his hair all frizzled up, +hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff he could +hardly expectorate over his _goatee_, while his "stunnin'" scarf and +dashing pin stuck out to the admiration of Charley's extensive eyes, and +the astonishment of half the clerks and all the shop boys along the line +of our Beau Brummell's promenade! + +It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed with the +idea, that he was the envy of half the men, and the _beau_ ideal of all +the women he met! But your real dandy is no particular lover of women; +he very naturally so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond +affection upon his own person. So it was with our _beau_--he wouldn't +have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent leathers," or +disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an inch, to save a lady from a +mad bull, or being run down by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would +walk with them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or +ball room, provided always--they were dressed all but to within half an +inch of their lives! The man who introduced a new and _stunnin_' hat, +scarf, or coat, Charley would swear friendship to, on sight! A shabby, +genteel person was his abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying! +He lived, moved, breathed--ideally, his ideality based, of course, upon +ridiculous superfluities of life--leather and prunella, entirely. +Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a villanously-dressed person, +while a bright, shining morn--giving him amplitude to make a "grand +dash," won from him the same encomiums to the producer that he would +bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres--commendable +works of an artist! The _genus_ dandy, whether of savage or civilized +life, is a felicitous subject for peculiar, speculative, comparative +analogy or _analysis_; we shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come +to the substance. + +After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip off his "top +hamper," placing his finery in a closet with the care and diligence of a +maiden of thirty, and upwards. Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls +and coat, he condescended to go to work. Now, in the said establishment, +our _beau_ had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were "down" upon +him; the men, because of his dandyism; the females hated him, because +Charley stuck his long nose _up_ at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more +notice them in the streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or +decayed esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally, though it +was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent, because his pride made +it imperiously necessary that some of the "little breeches" should do +small chores, errands, bringing water from the street, carrying down to +_the shop_ goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself. But +men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising jokes and tricks +upon the _beau_. The boys would all rush off to dinner--first having so +dirtied the water, hid the towels and soap, that poor Charley would +necessarily be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up a +bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face and hands. And +mark the difficulties and _diplomacy_ of such an arrangement. Charley +would slip down into the lower entry, peep out to see if any body was +looking,--if a genteel person was visible, the _beau_ held back with his +bucket; after various reconnaissances, the coast would appear clear, and +the _beau_ would dash out to the pump, agitate "the iron-tailed cow" +with the force and speed of an infantile earthquake--snatch up the +bucket, and with one _dart_ hit the doorway, and glide up stairs, +thanking his stars that nobody "seen him do it!" + +In one of these _forays_ for water, the _beau_ was decidedly cornered by +two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures, observed poor Charley from +an upper "landing" of the stairway, in the entry below, watching his +chance to get a clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the +beau darted out, down rush the girls--slam to the door and bar it! + +The _beau_, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions, gives the pump an +awful _surge_, fills the bucket, looks down the street, and--O! murder, +there come two ladies--the first _cuts_ of the city, to whom Charley had +once the honor of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his +shoulder at the _ladies_--his nether limbs desperately nerved for _tall +walking_,--he dashes at the supposed open entryway, and--nearly knocked +the panel out of the door, smashing the bucket, spilling the water, and +slightly killing himself! + +It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking advantage of +the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred the door and vanished, +before poor Charley picked himself up and scrambled into the lower store +to recuperate. + +Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the wiles of his +persecutors, when one morning he was forced to come down into the store +in his working gear, well be-spattered with oleaginous substances, dust +and dirt; in this gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a +looking Christian, as might not often--before California life was +dreamed of--be seen in a city. We _did_ quite an extensive retail +trade--the store was rarely free from _ton_-ish citizens, mostly "fine +ladies," in quest of fine perfumes, soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and +decorate their own beautiful selves. But, before venturing in, our +_beau_ had an eye about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered; +things looked safe, and in comes the beau. + +We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was wont to regale us +with many of his long stories about the company he _faced_ into, the +"conquests" he made, and the times he had with this and that, in high +life. Fanny Kemble was about that time--belle of the season! _Lioness_ +of the day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful +_furore_--generally! Alas! how soon such things--cave in! + +Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles he had brought +down, and began one of his usual harangues: + +"Theatre, last night, Jack?" + +"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we. + +"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion beauty and wealthy +people of this city! Such a house! Crowded from pit to dome, met a +hundred and fifty of my friends--ladies of the first families in town, +with all the 'high boys' of my acquaintance!" + +"And how did Fanny _do_ Juliet?" we asked. + +"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with the two Misses W. +(Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel S. and Sam. G., and his sister +(all _nobs_ of course!), and they were truly entranced with Miss +Kemble's Juliet! I threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,--Fanny kissed +her fingers to me, and with a _look_ at me, as I stood up so--(the beau +gave a tall _rear up_ and was about to spread himself, when glancing at +the door, he sees--two ladies! right in the store!) _thunder!_" he +exclaims. + +If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he would not have +_dropped_ sooner than he did, behind the counter. + +The ladies proved to be _nobody_ else than those of the very two Misses +W. themselves; they lived close by, and frequently came to the store. +Beneath our counter were endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils, +rancid perfumes, dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about +everything else dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place +afforded a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's, but +there he was, much in our _way_ too, with the mournful fact, for +Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less than half an hour, +without overhauling about every article in the store, it would be a +white stone indeed in the fortunes of the beau! The ladies sat; they +dickered and examined--we exhibited and put away, the beau lying +crouched and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to burst at +the _contretemps_ of the poor victim. Charley stood it with the most +heroic resignation for full twenty minutes, when the two Misses W. got +up to go. Casting their eyes towards the door, who should be about to +pass but the divine Fanny! + +Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition and +acquaintance was worth cultivating--even by the haughty queen of the +drama and belle of the hour; she rushed in, they all had a talk--and you +know how women can talk, will _talk_ for an hour or two, all about +nothing in particular, except to _talk_. Imagine our beau,--"Phancy his +phelinks," as _Yellow Plush_ says, and to heighten the effect, in comes +the boss! He comes behind the counter--he sees poor Charley +sprawling--he roars out: + +"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? _dead_?" + +"Dead?" utters Fanny. + +"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.! + +With one desperate _splurge_, up jumps the beau; rushes out, up +stairs--gets on his clothes, and we did not see him again for over two +years! + + + + +A Juvenile Joe Miller. + + +We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street, +that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddling clouts. +He was a cunning-looking little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe +shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice-- + +"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r--" + +"Eh?--what?" says the shop-keeper. + +"Somebody's got your boots out here!" + +Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away with a bunch of his +_wares_ at the door, Lapstone rushes out and cries-- + +"Where?" + +"There," says the shaver; "they're there--somebody's got 'em--hung up +'long your window there." + +Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a flip, but he +scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most provoking strain. + + + + +"Selling" a Landlord. + + +During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were +dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston +friend of mine, thought a little _side play_ wouldn't be out of the way, +so to work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he managed +it, nice as wax. + +Among the Boston delegates--self-constituted, _a la_ Gen. Commander--was +a certain gentleman, remarkable for his probity, decorum, and extreme +sensitiveness. Well, A., the _wag_, and B., the _victim_, landed +together, but selected, in the general overflow and hurly-burly, +different lodgings. Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in ----'s +Hotel, fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing about +_as_ well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent luck, and the +quarters he had lit upon were any thing but comfortable, the inmates of +the Hotel being stowed away in _tiers_, like herrings in a box. A. +thought he'd _oust_ his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his +joke, if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety. + +With the _address_, and _partly the_ dress--a white hat--of a man of the +_mace_, A. steps up to the bar of ----'s Hotel, and after carefully +scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph of the victim, then +smiles suspiciously, enough to say to the observant bar-keeper-- + +"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward towards that +person, says A.-- + +"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?" + +"I b'leave he is, sur,--I know he is, sur," says the Milesian, +overlooking the register himself. + +"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain. + +"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer. + +"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A. + +"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply. + +"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly exclaims A., while +the bar-keeper and landlord, who had now come forward, eagerly wanted to +know if any thing was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being +discussed. + +"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't want any +disturbance made, at such a time; it might do your fine establishment +more harm than good; _but_, there is a person stopping in your house +that I have followed from Boston; I have kept my eye on his +movements(!); I know his designs, his practices, _well_; I'm on his +track--he dodged me last night, but I've found him--" + +"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing the +register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of the kind, sir?" +earnestly inquired the proprietor. + +"You keep _mum_, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel of the +landlord's coat--"I've got him _safe!_ Let him rest for awhile--I've got +him! Do you understand?" says the wag, winking a knowing, significant +_wink_ at the landlord. + +"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies the landlord. +"If there is a dangerous or disreputable person in my house, sir, I +would thank you to tell me, sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs +won't bite him, sir!" + +"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says A., in a low +tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have followed here, has made a +heavy _draw_ on one of our Boston banks, by means of certain checks and +certificates, and--" + +"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning to see his +guest in a more _dignified_ light, that of a splendid thief; so his +rigid frown, called in play by the supposition that a petty rascal was +on his premises, subsided into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with-- + +"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too _far_ before we're +sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth attending to; I'm not sure he's +_got_ the abstracted money about him; but when he settles with you, just +notice the size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer +handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially on the +Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I come," said A. + +"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord. + +"At the ----, Chestnut street," A. replies. + +"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a reward out, sir, +for this person?" says the landlord. + +"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. _Policy_, you see; he left in such a +hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in this crowd here in your city. +If he has the money, we'll make 'a spec,' you understand?" + +"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep a sharp look out +for him, and let you know the moment I find him fairly out." + +That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of ----'s Hotel, +the landlord was _about_, all in a _twitter_, with two policemen in the +distance, and sundry especial friends hanging about, to whom the +landlord had unbosomed the affair. All were anxiously watching the +result of the business. B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed +with "_documents_" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,--from which +institution he had _drawn_ a pile of funds, to invest in coal at +Richmond,--and no sooner did B. place an X, of the Traders' Bank, upon +the bar, than the excited landlord's eyes danced like shot on a hot +shovel, and giving the constables the _cue_, poor B. found himself +_waited upon_, in a brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the +landlord grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness that +completely mesmerized him. + +"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!" + +"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the grasp of the officers, +and reaching over for the landlord and his wallet--"what the thunder are +you about? Come, I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I +tell you, and hand back that wallet, Mister ----." + +But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation, of course, +and were about trotting him forth to the Mayor's office, when a well +known Anthracite merchant came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed, +explanation ensued, and the result was, that after poor B. got a little +reconciled to the _joke_, he joined issue with a laughing chorus at the +expense of the _sold_ landlord, who, in consideration of all hands +keeping _mum_, put the party through a course of juleps. + +I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular _moral_ to +this sketch. + + + + +Scientific Labor. + + +"Bob, what yer doing now?" + +"Aiding Nat'ral History." + +"Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?" + +"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail +up." + + + + +Who was that Poor Woman? + + +I do not know a feminine--from the piney woods of Maine to the +Neuces--so given to popularity, newspaper philippics, and city item +bombards, as Aunt Nabby Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and +doings of Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in +Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon--from funeral orations +to political caucusses--Temperance jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for +Aunt Nabby never allows _wind_, weather or subject, time, place or +occasion, to prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous +auditors, at times _snake her down_ or crowd her old straw bonnet, but +Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite attention of the "Reporters," +and shines in their notes, big as the biggest toad in the puddle. + +Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!--a perfect she-male Mike Walsh. She +will have her _say_, though a legion of constables stood at the door; +her principal _stand-point_ is the freedom of speech and woman's rights, +and she goes in tooth and nail _agin law_, Marshal Tukey, and the entire +race-root and rind of the Quincys--particularly strong! Aunt Nabby is +subject to a series, too tedious to mention, of "sells" by the _quid +nuncs_ and rapscallions of the day, and one of these "sells" is the pith +of my present paper. + +It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every fool within +five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen faces after the +Nightingale and her carriage wherever she went, from her bed-chamber to +her dinner table, from her drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took +Barnum and his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of +policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the Revere, and his +bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing pell-mell up stairs and +surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians. + +Now and then a desperate fellow got in--had an audience, grinned, backed +down and went his way, tickled as a dog with two tails. Others were +victimized by notes from Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary," +offering an interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and +racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern Joe Miller. +But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about as rich as the raciest, and will +bear rehearsing--easy. + +"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed, elderly +lady, to the two scant yards of starch and dickey behind Stephens' slab +of marble at the Revere. + +"Good morning, ma'am," responded the _clark_, who, not knowing exactly +who the lady was, _jerked_ down his well-oiled and brushed "wig and +whiskers" to the entire satisfaction of the matronly lady, who went on +to say-- + +"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir." + +"Guess she's engaged, ma'am." + +"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to call at 9 A. M. +to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time is quite precious; I called +precisely as desired; Miss Lind appointed the time; and----" + +"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the _clark_, with a flourish, +"if Miss Lind has invited you----" + +"Why, of course she has! Here's her--" + +"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume." + +The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang of +white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly lady was +marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of the Nightingale. + +Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding" on the right wing and +left breast of a lark, the leg of a canary, "a dozen fried" humming +bird eggs--her customary fodder of a morning. + +The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly lady was +admitted--the Nightingale, without disturbing the ample folds of her +camel's hair dressing-gown--a present from the Sultan of all the +Turkies, cost $3,000--motioned the matron to squat, and as soon as she +got her throat in talking order, said-- + +"Goot mornins." + +"How do you do?" responds the old lady. + +"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!" + +"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago." + +"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?--Well, it is goot for ze hels, eh?" + +"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I like to get up and be +stirring around." + +"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?" + +"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around. I-stir-the-monsters +(Miss Lind looks sharp) +who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-_of-woman!_ (The matron 'up' +and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine--Miss Lind drops her +eating tools--eyes of the two servants bulge out!) A-n-d +I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall (down with the +brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech (rush upon the brakes!), +a-a-n-d-put-me-down!" + +It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was getting +spoiled--she looked suspicious, and, just in time to prevent the female +orator--who was no other personage, of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom, +from ripping into a regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a +knock upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress and +appear to a fresh lot of bores--yclept the Mayor and his suit of +Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders. + +"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you will please come +again; once more, adieu--good mornins--adieu!" + +And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found herself bowed--half +way down stairs--into the hall, and clean out doors, before she caught +her breath to say another word upon the interminable subject of the +freedom of speech and woman's rights! + +But Aunt Nabby "blowed"--O! didn't she _blow_ to the various tea and +toast coteries, scandal and slang express women--and the various knots +of anxious crowds who stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania! +Aunt Nabby had had a genuine _tete-a-tete_ with the Nightingale--and, +ecod, an invitation to call again! But Jenny Lind, and her cordon of +sentinels, secretaries and suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl, +when again and again she beset the _clark_ and the stairways of the +Revere. Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully, she finally +caved in and kept away. + +When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to charitable purposes, +among the items set down in the list was--"A poor woman--_one hundred +dollars!_" + +"Why, it's you, of course," said a _quid-nunc_, to Aunt Abby, as she +held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in the store of Redding & Co., +and observed the interesting item above alluded to. + +"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a poor woman, and a +var-tuous woman, and a good and _true woman_ (down came her brakes on +the book piles), I'd like to know where--_where_, on this univarsal +_yearth_ (down with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to +a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must be the +person--yes, Abigail, _thou art the man!_" she concluded in her favorite +apothegm. + +The _quid_ gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who was to disburse +the Lind charities, and away went Abby to the Agent, who happened to be +an amateur joker; knowing Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the +old 'un that Mr. Somerby, of No. -- Cornhill, the joker of the Post, was +the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at nine o'clock. At that +hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured +Abby that there was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of +Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt Nabby, that he had +declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee +Blade, had the pile, and was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris +declared that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only, +poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be _the_ poor woman set forth in +Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't to be _done!_ She besieged +Miss Lind--followed her to the cars--mounted the platform--Jenny espied +her, and to avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's +rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the Nightingale +heard from the screech owl, was-- + +"Miss Jane Lind--who was that poor wom-a-n?" + + + + +Infirmities of Nature. + + +Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated +because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home +and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of +people, makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first time +he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the post-office, +that he called his friends together and put them through on woodcock. + + + + +Andrew Jackson and his Mother. + + +It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the +histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the decrees +of stern poverty, or an all-wise Providence--those facilities and +indulgences supposed to be so essentially necessary for the future +success and prosperous career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to +sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very vivid in the +early history of Andrew Jackson--a name that, like that of the great, +godlike Washington, must survive the wreck of matter, the crush of +worlds, and, passing down the vista of each successive age, brighter and +more glorious, unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have +obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to deal most +gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead. + +Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765, with his wife +and two boys--Hugh and Robert, both very young; they landed at +Charleston, S. C, where Jackson found employment as a laborer, and +continued to work thus for several years, until, possessed of a few +dollars, he went to the interior of the state and bought a small place +near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr., was born, and +during the next year--by the time the infant could lisp the name of his +parent--the father fell sick of fever and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with +three small children, in an almost wild country, where nothing but toil +of a severe and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed in +a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been a woman of no +ordinary temperament, courage, and perseverance, for she continued +cheerfully the work left her--rearing her boys, and preparing them for +the situations in life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was +a woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the rights and +liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave her boys their first +rudiments of an English education, but often indulged in glowing +lectures to them of the importance of instilling in their hearts and +principles an unrelenting war against pomp, power, and circumstance of +monarchical governments and institutions! She led them to know that they +were born free and equal with the best of earth, and that that position +was to be their heritage--maintained even at the peril of life and +property! and how well he learned these chivalric lessons, the +countrymen of Andrew Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified +in every page of his whole history. + +Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope and treasures; Hugh +and Robert were her main dependence in working their little farm, and +Andrew, never a very robust person, was early sent to the best schools +in the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to have him at +least educated for a profession--the ministry. This resolve was more +perhaps decided upon from the naturally stern, contemplative, and fixed +principles of young Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by +nature well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and in +which, even those young as himself, were called upon to take an active +part. This was in the days of the revolution, when the weak in numbers +of this continent were about to try the _experiment_ of living free and +independent, and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a +humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the point of the +bayonet. + +The British had begun the war--already had the echoes of "Bunker Hill," +and the smell of "villainous saltpetre," invaded and aroused the quiet +dwellers in the woods and wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric +spirit that has ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at +once responded to the tocsin of _liberty_. It was with no slight degree +of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she saw her two sons, +Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets and join the Spartan band that +assembled at Waxhaw Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave +up her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of the infant +nation. + +Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden, with a large +force, took the town of Camden, and began a desolation of the adjacent +country. Being apprised of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he +immediately dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company of +infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About forty men, +including the two boys Jackson, were attacked by these veterans of the +British army, but aided by their true courage, a good cause, and perfect +knowledge of the country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and +many of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the most +determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the great majority of +the opposing forces, did these patriots retreat, leaving many of their +friends dead upon their soil, and eleven of their number prisoners in +the hands of the British. It was during this fight that Andrew +Jackson--a mere lad--hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in +the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to take his +father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it was vain that the +parent restrained him, knowing the temperament of the boy, from this +dangerous determination; for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon +the brow of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn and +bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle. But his friends were +already flying, and hotly pursued by the enemy. Andrew met his brother +Robert, who informed him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the +two boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the woods, where +they lay until hunger drove them forth--they sought food at a farm +house, the owner of which proved to be a _tory_, and gave information to +some soldiers in the vicinity--the Jacksons were both captured and led +to prison. In the affray--for they yielded only by force--Robert was cut +on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer, and he died in +great agony in prison. It was here and then that the firm and manly +bearing of the boy was exhibited; for he stood his griefs and +imprisonment like a true hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his +enemies might be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his +allegiance to the cause of his country. + +"Here, _boy_, clean my boots!" said an officer to him. But the bright +defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with a look, and as he curled +his firm lips in scorn, he answered, + +"No, sir, I will _not!_" + +"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to your post, and skin +your back with a horse whip, if you do not clean my boots." + +"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy--"for I'll not stoop to clean the +boots of your master!" + +The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his head from the +blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and received a gash--the scar of +which went with him to the tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of +South Carolina, with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment of +Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a company of the British, +near Camden, and captured thirteen of them; these prisoners he exchanged +for seven of his countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners +of the enemy. Andrew hurried home--his poor old mother was upon her +death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of the Jackson family, and +suffering not only from the great multitude of grief consequent upon the +death of her heroic sons, but for want of the common necessaries of +life, the invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of +provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother, as she +beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside--she grasped his hand with +the firmness of a dying woman, and turning her eyes upon the now weeping +boy, said, + +"Andrew, I leave you,--son, you will soon be alone in the world; be +faithful, be true to God and your country--that--when--the--hour of +death approaches you--will have--nothing to--dread--every thing--to hope +for." + + * * * * * + +Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and but for the +constant and tender care of the old black nurse--the last of the Jackson +family--would have then passed away; he recovered--he was alone--not a +relative in the world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe, +could a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects" thrown +upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury, where he +entered the office of a famed lawyer--Spruce M'Cay--was admitted to the +bar in 1778--went to Tennessee--served as a soldier in the Indian wars +of 1783--chosen a Senator 1797--Major General in 1801--whipped the +British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans in 1815, and +triumphantly elected President of the United States for eight years in +1829. Andrew Jackson followed his mother's advice, and he not only +triumphed over his hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in +1845. + + + + +Snaking out Sturgeons. + + +We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the +following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:-- + +It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years +ago, and had a number of hands employed about a dam, and the sturgeons +were very numerous and extremely docile. They would frequently come +poking their noses close up to the men standing in the water, and one of +the men bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon was, +and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a clever-sized fish. +Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's shop, close at hand, he bends up +one end like a fish hook, and, slipping out into the stream, he slily +places the hook under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a +mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless fish, and +"yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element. But, "lordy," +wasn't he mistaken and surprised! The moment the hook touched the inside +of the sturgeon's mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and +forcibly as to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket. +The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going down stream, +before he mustered presence of mind enough to induce him to let go the +hook! + +However, the lookers-on of this curious man[oe]uvre took a boat and +fished out their half-drowned comrade, who concluded that he had paid +pretty dearly for his whistle. + +The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the laugh of the +above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some one offered to bet a hat that +he could hold a sturgeon and snake him clean out of the water; and as +the man who _had_ tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it, +he at once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for any man +in the crowd. + +The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator tucked up his +sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where a sturgeon or two were +lying off in the shallow water. Of course the operation now became a +matter of considerable interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty +fellow, able to hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his +bringing out _his_ sturgeon. + +After a long time the operator gets his hook under the sturgeon, and +leans forward to stick it close into the jaws of the victim; and no +sooner was that part of the feat accomplished, than Mr. Sturgeon "backs +out" with the velocity of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under +water and down stream! The man held on; and there they went, foaming and +pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath nearly out of his body; +his neck, arms, and legs just about dislocated, concluded to lose the +hat and let the hook and sturgeon go! + +Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting out of the +river, a convert to the first experimental idea of the strength and +velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon. + +Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some muscular power, +several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting on the sturgeons. + +Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two burly-built Paddys +volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity was not long waited for, +ere a jolly good elastic nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to +where the Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered, slippery +stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the man with the hook +planted it firmly into the suction hole of the fish, while his companion +held on to a rope fast to the hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson, +of course he was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the +other Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves! +This proved, or very nearly so, a serious _denouement_ to the +sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried clean and clear off +soundings, and so repeatedly immersed in deep water, that his life was +within an ace of being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last +(poor Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being dipped out +of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel until his insides were +emptied of the water, and heat restored through the influence of +whiskey, he recovered, and further experimenting on sturgeons, that +season, in the Kennebec, ceased. + + + + +Mixing Meanings--Mangling English. + + +There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down +on customers who don't speak proper. + +"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer. + +"_Eggs_, of course," says the dealer. + +"I mean--how do they _go_?" + +"Go?--where?" + +"Sho--!" says the customer, getting up his _fury_, "what for eggs?" + +"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer. + +"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says the customer. + +"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded the egg merchant. + +"What--is--the--price--per--dozen--for--your--eggs?" + +"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents per dozen, is the +price, sir!" They traded! + + + + +Waking up the Wrong Passenger. + + +In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean from his stock of +information, gathered South-west, a few incidents in the life of a +somewhat extensively famed Boston panoramic artist--one of which +incidents, at least, is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west +was beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring +outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi valley in +continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers" was one of the most +popular and profitable branches of the business pursuits of these +gentlemen freebooters, and, next to horse-stealing, was the most +practised. + +At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters, or land +pirates, more properly; forming themselves into committees, the citizens +opened _Court_ and practised Judge Lynch's _code_ upon a multitude of +just occasions. At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the +Mississippi, was no great shakes of a _town_, but a spot where a very +considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding quantity +of crime and desperate doings were enacted; indeed, some of the worst +scenes in Southern Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so +fell out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged in +levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point, and the +protective committee were on the alert to capture and administer the law +upon these fellows. It was discovered, one evening, as the shades of a +black and rather tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father +of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious _voyageur_, or sort +of piratical _vidette_, was seen in his light canoe, hugging the shore, +either for shelter or some insidious purpose. + +The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched; but the coming +storm and darkness soon closed observation, and the parties noticing the +transaction hurried forward to the _Point_, and announced one or more of +the land pirates in the neighborhood! Of course, the town--of some four +houses, six "groceries," a _store_ and blacksmithery--was aroused, +indignant! Impatient for a victim, the _posse comitatus_ "fired up," +armed to the teeth with pistol, bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife, +and--whiskey, started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the +pirate and his crew. + +Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles, was +carefully--as much so as the darkness would admit--scoured. The +Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled in the azure-arched +heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver moon beamed forth, and +suddenly one of the vigilant committee espies the land-pirate and his +canoe noiselessly floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be +lost; the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his being the +first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade, and the two hurried +back to the Point, to get a canoe and start out to capture the enemy. +The canoe was obtained, three courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the +saying goes, paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for +right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy! Where was the +pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his frail vessel; either asleep, or +"playing possum." At all events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a +brief period to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm +seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and throat, with +such a rush and fierceness that both canoes were upon the apex of +"swamping." + +"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case for eels, you thief!" + +"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second. + +"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum, or you're +giblets, instanter!" + +But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even had the +captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the power nor opportunity +to move a limb. + +"Haul him out," cried one. + +"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now, you skunk, lay +still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you on sight!" + +Having transferred the body of the captive from his "own canoe" to +theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the stranger's _dug-out_, and then +paddled for the landing. The pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the +_wharf-boat_, and left under guard of one of the captors--a dreadful +ugly-looking customer, a _cross_ between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife, +and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal to an arsenal--while +the other two went up to the nearest "grocery," reported the capture, +took a drink, and sent out word for _Court_ to meet. The poor victim was +deposited on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind +him. Recovering his scattered senses, the _pirate_ "waked up." + +"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard, who sat on +an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol in his hand, "what's all this +about?" + +"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd. You'll know what's +up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!" + +"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the captive. "But all +I want to know, is--am I to be robbed, killed off, or only initiated +into the mysteries of your craft?" + +"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give you a settler!" +was the reply. + +[Illustration: "Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you +a settler!--_Page_ 305.] + +"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied the but little +daunted captive. "One thing consoling I glean, my virtuous friend, from +your scraps of information--you are not a pirate yourself, or in favor +of that science! But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and +what the deuce I'm here for." + +"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes the _Court_, +and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin' at the wind, pooty +soon; you kin stake your pile on that!" + +And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a dozen +well-_stimulated_ citizens, and strangers about the Point, came rushing +and yelling on to the wharf-boat and were quite as immediately gathered +around the captive. The first impulse of the _posse comitatus_ appeared +to manifest itself in a desire to hang the victim--straight up! A second +(how _sober_ we know not) thought induced them to ask a question or two, +and for this purpose the presiding _judge_ drew up before the still +prostrate captive, and said-- + +"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?" + +The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner turned his +face towards the _judge_, and replied-- + +"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I would like to know, +however, what all this means!" + +"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the _judge_. + +"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any, neighbor; navigation +never engrossed a great deal of my attention, but I get along down here +very well--without a crew!" + +"You do?" responded the _judge_; "well, we're going to hang you up." + +"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have always been opposed to +capital punishment, neighbor, and I know it would be unpleasant to me +now!" + +The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the _Court_, and says the +_judge_-- + +"Who are you, and where are you from?" + +"My name is Banvard--John Banvard, from Boston!" + +"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?" + +"_Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all._" + +The _Court_ adjourned _sine die_; the clever artist was untied, treated +to the best the market afforded, that night; his canoe, rifle, &c., +restored next day, and John went on his way rejoicing in his narrow +escape--finished his sketches, and the first great panorama "got up" in +our country, and which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it +in America. + + + + +Genius for Business. + + +It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a +customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a +Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card +and needle cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around," +and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?" was propounded, +he responded-- + +"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual orbs _lit_ upon +a profusion of well-known matters in domestic economy, for the +abrogation of certain parasitic insects. + +"Haven't any card cases, mum,--_got some elegant ivory small-tooth +combs!_" + + + + +Have You Got Any Old Boots? + + +No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is +the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and +_fluid_ have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no +longer bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and suds, as of +yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled dimities and dickeys. +Another and more important matter, from the extent of its obnoxiousness +to our nerves and temper, has come home to our very threshold and +hearths, to disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace. + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking, +back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time and care-worn _boots_. +The old boot gatherers were almost as diverting as novel to me, when I +first located in Boston; but I have long since learned to hate and abhor +them, and their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work, +and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm. + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +How often--a hundred times at least, have I gone to the door and heard +this inquiry--ten times in one day, for I kept count of it, and used +enough "strong language" at each shutting--banging to of the door, to +last a "first officer" through a gale of wind. + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee, or morning +paper--just as you had got into a deeply interesting bit of information +on "breadstuff's," California, or the Queen's last baby, to open your +door, and espy a grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle, +just rearing his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled leather, +and meekly asking-- + +"_Have yez got any ole boots?_" + +These _collectors_ are of course prepared for any amount of explosive +_gas_ you may shower down upon their uncombed crowns, as the cool and +perfectly-at-home manner they descend your steps to mount those of your +next-door neighbor plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and-- + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +Drove my respected--middle-aged friend Mansfield--clear out of town! Mr. +Mansfield was a _retired_ flour merchant; he was not rich, but well to +do in the world. He had no children of his own, in lieu of which, +however, he had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two orphans +of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old enough to be +_devilish_ and mightily inclined that way. The boy's name was Philip, +the foster father he called Uncle Henry, and not long after arriving in +town, and opening house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield--who was given +to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading--found that he was likely +to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers, pedlers and old boot +collectors. + +Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness of an +experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction to his soul that, +however harrowing-- + +"_Got any ole boots to-day?_" + +might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear and finally get +used to it, as other people did. But Uncle Henry possessed an irritable +and excitable temperament, that not one man in ten thousand could boast +of, and hence he grew--at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite +meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his bell, and +proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and rubbers, or make the +never-to-be-forgotten inquiry-- + +"_Have you got any ole boots to-day?_" + +Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal wife not +permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry, or Master Philip, were +obliged to wait on the door. The old gentleman finally concluded that +the pedlers and old boot collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement +than profit or concern--gave him a call. And laboring under this +impression, Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as he called +them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence and his worked up +ire. + +"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after breakfast, "we'll fix +these-- + +"'_Got any ole boots?_' + +"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect soon, I'll warrant +them. Bring me the hammer and nails; that's a man; now get uncle the +high chair; so, that's it; now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of +the door, on a pivot--bore this hole through here--put the string +through that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the +scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's bells, clean +out by the very roots, making us drop all, to come wait on them, rot +them-- + +"'_Got any ole boots?_' + +"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give you a dose of +something you won't forget, to your dying day." + +And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving shelf, over +his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked away at his trap. Like that of most +dwellings in Boston, Uncle Henry's front door was _sunk_ some six or +eight feet into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six +granite steps--side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way, +with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood not _plebeian_ +enough to induce butcher boys to enter the hall, with the pork and +potatoes, nor admit of the servant girl heaving "slops" out of the +front windows; yet not sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and + +"_Got any ole boots?_" + +with aristocratic or "respectable" _awe_, ere venturing to mount the +steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap iron, rags and old +leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to _chuckle_ in his sleeves at the +_ruse_ he would be enabled to give his tormentors through the agency of +his revolving battery--charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to +be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the inside. +Philly was duly initiated into the _modus operandi_; when-- + +"_Got any ole boots?_" + +made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a pedler's wagon +was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was to be on the _qui vive_, inform +Uncle Henry, and if they mounted the steps, he would give them a shower +bath upon a new and astonishing principle. + +It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled at the idea, and +readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions. Not long after arranging +the "infernal machine," Uncle Henry's attention was called to another +part of the house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a +strange cat had pounced upon the cage--the door flew open, and puss +nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the look out, in front, discovers +two old boot men approaching the neighborhood; desirous of showing his +own skill, he did not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the +door--string in hand, awaiting the _cue_. Feet approach--quickly the +feet mount the steps. + +"_Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!_" + +"_Sh-i-i-s-swashe!_" and down comes the avalanche of coal dust and +refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement! + +Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the penny postman +covered from head to foot with the obnoxious composition! Philly took +occasion to make a sudden exit, the postman swore--swore like a trooper, +but Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon the "devilish +boy"--brushed the postman's clothes, and after some effort, so mollified +him as to induce the sufferer to depart in peace. Uncle Henry _tried_ to +be very severe on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that +the old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly cleared the +steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the trap, admonishing Philly +not to dare to meddle with it again, but call him when-- + +"_Got any ole boots?_" made their appearance. + +All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had business down town, +and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly was at school, but got home before +Uncle Henry, and seeing the pedler wagon near the door--slipped in, and +learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took charge of the +battery again. Now, just as the pedler mounted the steps of the next +door, Mr. Mansfield sees him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the +watch for the pedler. Philly had been peeking out the corner of the side +curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought, right up the +steps--nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry caught the knob of the +door--down came thundering the brick dust and charcoal both, in the most +elegant profusion. + +Phil was _tricked_. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal to that of a +drunken beggar--the trap was removed, Uncle Henry got disgusted with +city life, and left--for rural retirement, without as much as giving one +single rebuke to-- + +"_Got any ole boots to-day?_" + + + + +The Vagaries of Nature. + + +Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny moods, as well as +all her children. Now she gets up a stone bridge, the gigantic +proportions and the symmetrical development of which attract great +attention from all tourists and historians who venture into or speak of +"old Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels of Mother +Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently and alone, a stupendous +under-ground palace, that laughs to scorn the puny efforts of man in +that branch of business. She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of +salt, great granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out +figure-heads, old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire, +and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson, that win wonder and +delight from the floating million. Instances out of all number might be +raked up, home and abroad, to show how the old dame has cut _didoes_ in +the prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it would seem, +nature has taken most especial pains to appear slightly ridiculous or +very eccentric. + +Old Captain Rocksalt informs us--and there is always wit, wisdom, and +truth in the old man's stories--that he made voyages to Australia many +times within the past thirty years, and having visited about all the +sea-ports of the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his +notes are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named _Botany +Bay_, the name originating from the fact that the land was covered with +a luxurious growth of Botanical specimens. The Dutch discovered and +named _Van Diemen's Land_. The English at once concluded to make Botany +Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of criminals and +soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number, in 1788; but Capt. Phillip, +the commander of the fleet, being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany +Bay, hunted up a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was +cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried, "Land +ho!" + +Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it took him some time +to "tumble up" on deck. + +"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser. + +"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and, sure enough, a long, +faint streak of land was visible from deck. The "lookout" announced a +harbor, head-lands, &c.; but the rum old captain, not being able to see +any such indication, with a chuckle, says he-- + +"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a port, you powder +monkey--_Port Jackson!_" + +And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became sponsor to the finest harbor +in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip, upon rediscovering the harbor, took +his fleet into it, and then and there began the now flourishing city of +Sydney. + +Australia is an Island, lying opposite another--New Zealand. It is on +the Indian Ocean, south side, while the east opens to the Pacific. +Australia claims to contain a superficial area of over three million +square miles, part desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of +the finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the soil +light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and fine sand, and make +ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar to the country. Sheep-grazing, +wool-growing, and boiling down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great +business of the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when +the _gold fever_ swept the land. + +Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black cannibals of the +ugliest description; but at this day not a hundred of them remain. The +natives were exceeding stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as +Capt. Rocksalt observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not +very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they determined to +get rid of them as fast and easy as possible. For this purpose, they +used to gather a horde of them together, and give them poisoned bread +and rum, and so kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of +_practice_, but the _ends_ seemed to justify the _means_. + +Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt, _discovered_ +years ago; but not in quantities to lead the ignorant to believe money +could be made hunting it. People may be stupid; but it requires a far +greener capacity than most of them would confess to--at least, ten years +ago--to make them believe gold could be picked up in chunks out in the +open fields. + +But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first; and then by far +better people; though the very worst felons sent out often became decent +and respectable men, which is indeed a great "puff," we think, for the +healthfulness of the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to +bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the watch-makers, +and as he refused to say where or how he got them, it was suspicioned +that he had secreted guineas or jewelry somewhere, and occasionally +melted them for sale. + +However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously, all over +Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere. The rocks, ledges, bars, +gullies, and river-banks, which were daily familiar to the eyes of +thousands, all of a sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame +Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun and uproar--the +scrabble and rush she had caused in her vast household. + +"It did beat _all!_" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight hours +Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip nearly desolate, while the +interior villages or towns--Bathurst, &c., were run clean out!" + +Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines, and the +proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped work and put out; +servants left without winking, leaving people to wait on themselves; +doctors left what few patients they had, and bolted for the fields of +Ophir; lawyers packed up and cut stick, following their clients and +victims to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers +became so short-handed that dailies were knocked into weeklies, and the +weeklies into cocked hats, or something near it--mere eight-by-ten +"handbills." + +These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a revolution in men, +manners, and things. As we said before, Australia was the very apex of +singularities in the way of Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the +gold mania broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and +miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen as full +of caprice as the land they were living in. + +"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day comes in the middle of +our nights! When we're turning in at home, they are turning out in +Australia. Summer begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms +they get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are getting used +to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays, they are roasting with +heat, and going around in linen jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is +full of flowers of every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to +look at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so many dried +chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black. The few animals in the +country are all provided with pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in +which to stow their young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really +appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was completely taken +down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of the finest pears you ever saw. +Myself and a friend were up the country, and I sees a fine pear tree, +breaking down with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw. + +"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears as I've seen +these twenty years!' + +"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the country; 'perhaps you +would like to try a few?' + +"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a few, and it was a +job to get them down, I tell you; and when I had one between my teeth I +gave it a nip--see there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain, +showing us the fact; "the fine pears _were mere wood!_ + +"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they are dumb as +beetles, sir--never heard a bird sing or whistle a note in Australia. +The trees make no shade, the leaves hang from the stems edge up, and +look just as if they had been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and +you rarely see a tree with a bit of bark on it. + +"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir--fine cherries, +plenty of them, but the _stones were all on the outside!_ The bees have +no stings, the snakes no fangs, and the eagles are all white. The north +wind is hot, the south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in +Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the longest in +winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin to tell you how many +curious didoes nature seems to cut, in that country; but, altogether, +it's one of the queerest countries I ever did see, by ginger!" + +And we have come to the conclusion--it is. If the gold continues to +"turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets" as recently reported, Australia +is bound to be the richest and most densely populated, as well as +_queerest_ country known to man. + + + + +A General Disquisition on "Hinges." + + +Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of _Down East_, +enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the purpose of +"looking around," or _dicker_ a little? They are "coons," they are, upon +all such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the store of a +friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently. He was a full bloom +_Yankee_--it stuck out all over him. He sauntered into the store, as +unconcerned, quietly, and familiarly, as though in no great hurry about +anything in particular, and killing time, for his own amusement. +Absalom, Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever else his +name may have been, wore a very large fur cap, upon a very small and +close-cut head; his features were mightily pinched up; there was a +cunning expression about the corner of his eyes, not unlike the +embodiment of--"catch a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his +mouth, thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen, +calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a frightened +locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack coat, fitting him all over, +similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle, was pouched out at the pockets +with any quantity of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots, +pamphlets and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico, candy, &c. +His vest was short, but that deficiency was made up in superfluity of +_dickey_, and a profusion of sorrel whiskers. Having got into the store, +he very leisurely walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and +minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him: + +"What can we do for you to-day, sir?" + +Looking _quarteringly_ at the clerk for about two full minutes, says +he-- + +"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do." + +"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring to an +article the "customer" had just been gazing at with evident interest. + +"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes. + +"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed another pause; +the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep into his trowsers' pockets, and +viewing the hinges at a respectful distance, in profound calculation, +three minutes full. + +"They be, eh?" he at length responded. + +"Yes, sir, _warranted_," replied the clerk. Another long pause. The +Yankee approached the hinges, two steps--picks up a bundle of the +article, looks knowingly at them two minutes-- + +"Yeou don't say so?" + +"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather pertly, as he +moves off to wait upon another customer, who bought some eight or ten +dollars' worth of cutlery and tools, paid for them, and cleared out, +while our Yankee genius was still reconnoitering the hinges. + +"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee. + +"In England, sir," replied the clerk. + +"Not in _Neuw_ England, I'll bet a fo'pence!" + +"No, not here--in Europe." + +"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!" + +"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them," said the clerk. + +"I've seen _hinges_ made in _aour_ place, better'n them." + +"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered the clerk. + +"I 'spect you have; I don't call _them_ anything great, no how!" + +"Well, here's a better article; better hinges--" + +"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting the clerk, "but +they're small hinges." + +"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches." + +"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the clerk again left him +and the hinges, to wait on another customer, who bought a keg of nails, +&c., and left. + +"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued the Yankee, after +musing to himself for twenty minutes, _full_. + +"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk. + +"How's them brass 'uns work?" + +"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk. + +"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?" + +"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways." + +"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered, I guess, a +very neuw invenshun?" + +"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk. + +"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?" + +"Never," candidly responded the clerk. + +"Well, I _hev_," resolutely echoed the Yankee. + +"You have, eh?" + +"E' yes, plenty on 'em--eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout there that +never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!" + +"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind the times as +that," said the clerk. + +"It's a _fact_--dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like that," +continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there, nigh on to a year; +couldn't stand it--" + +"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk. + +"No, _sir_; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks air almighty +green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on 'em; when they get mighty +old and bald-headed, they stop and die off, of their own accord." + +"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk. + +"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague sweetens 'em, I tell +you. O, it's dreadful, fever and ague is!" + +"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk. + +"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water, kind o' went +agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin', cursin', and swearin', +pitchin' apple cores and corn at the master, that didn't exactly suit +me. Finally, one day, at last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I +got the fever and agy so _bad_, that they shook daown the school-house +chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots, with the +_agy_--so I packed up and _slid!_" + +The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh customer, the +Yankee was left to his meditations and survey. Having some twenty more +minutes to walk around the store, and examine the stock, he brought up +opposite the clerk, who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff, +for a carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again. + +"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?" + +"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk. + +"Them Illinoi folks haven't no _idee_ what a place this Boston is; they +haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things towards civilization, but +'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!" + +"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up after a while, I +guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to examine any other sort of +hinges, sir?" he continued. + +"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?" + +"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel, copper, plated, +&c. These are fine for parlor doors, &c.," said the clerk. + +"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale silver. I 'spect +them cost somethin'?" + +"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got them as low as +you can buy them in the market." + +"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee. + +"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk. + +"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee. + +"Yes; what _priced_ hinges did you require?" + +"What priced hinges?--" + +"Exactly! Tell me what you require them _for_, and I can soon come at +the _sort_ of hinges you require," said the clerk, making an effort to +come to a climax. + +"Who said _I_ wanted any hinges?" + +"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to buy hinges?" + +"Buy hinges? Why, _no;_ I don't want nothin'; _I only came in to look +areound!_" + +Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped out, leaving the +poor clerk--quite flabbergasted! + + + + +Miseries of Bachelorhood. + + +Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes +to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the +grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that +frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going +convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and we think we +"smell something," as the fellow said when his shirt took fire. + + + + +The Science of "Diddling." + + +Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial down, as traces of +them are found in all ancient and modern history, from the Bible to +Shakspeare, from Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron, +who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and--vanished. Diddler is +derived from the word _diddle_, to _do_--every body who has not yet made +his debut to the Elephant. We believe the word has escaped the attention +of the ancient lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more +durable "Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation, or present +sense. + +A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in _fact_, one of your first-class vagabonds; a +fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent parents, while they were in +easy circumstances. Trained up to despise labor, not capacitated by +nature or inclination to pass current in a profession, he finds himself +at twenty possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a few +friends, and--no visible means of support. There are but two ways about +it--take to the highway, or become a Diddler--a sponge--and, like +woodcock, live on "suction." The early part of a Diddler's life is +chiefly spent among the ladies;--they being strongly susceptible of +flattering attentions, especially those of "a nice young man," your +Diddler lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's +"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician--an old Hunker; +attends caucusses and conventions, dinners and inaugurations. Never +aspiring to matrimony among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never +hoping for office under government, he never gets any; and when, at +last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a white +neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his ears, and, dressed +in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit of sable, he jines church and +turns "old fogie," carries around the plate, does chores for the parson, +becomes generally useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles +off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in the most +becoming manner. + +Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful practice of a +respectable Diddler. New York affords them a very fair scope for +operation, but of all the American cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's +paradise! The mobile state of society, the fluctuations of men and +business, the impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for +any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for the exercise +of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He dines almost sumptuously +at the daily lunches set at the splendid drinking saloons and _cafes_, +he lives for a month at a time on the various upward-bound steamboats. +In New Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati or +Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"--positively; Diddler +knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers and baggage hurried on, and the +steamer keeps _going_ for two to five days before she's gone; so he +comes on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets his +state-room and board among the crowd of _real_ passengers, up to the +hour of the boat's shoving out, then he--slips ashore, and points his +boots to another boat. Many's the Diddler who's passed a whole season +thus, dead-heading it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes +the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a mere Diddler, +which is morally bad enough; he comes in contact with professional +gamblers, plunges into the most pernicious and abominable of +vices--gambles, cheats, swindles, and finally, as a grand tableau to his +utter damnation here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a +crowbar--or commits murder. + + + + +The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story. + + "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to + my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast + all my sins behind thy back."--Isaiah. + + +A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his breeches pocket, and +the fingers of the other drumming a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the +window glass of an elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage +I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space of a few +moments. The facts of my story are commonplace, and thereby the more +probable. The names of the dramatis personæ I shall introduce, will be +the _only_ part of my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described +old gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub upon the +window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool. To elucidate the matter +more clearly, I would beg leave to say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though +now a wealthy and retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance" +of fortune around him, could--if he chose--well recollect the day when +his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten, as he plodded +through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts farmer, for whom he +acted in early life the trifling character of a "cow boy." + +Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the vain heart of a +proud millionaire, such reflections seldom come to the surface. Like +hundreds of other instances in the history of our countrymen, by a +prolonged life of enterprise and good luck, Joel Newschool found +himself, at the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy +man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a large family. Having +served an apprenticeship to farming, he allowed but a brief space to +elapse between his freedom suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel +and his young and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter +purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old and wealthy. +In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool, fortune made but slight +alteration; but the accumulation of dollars and exalted privileges that +follow wealth, had wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her +husband. + +The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye, seemed to improve +the ocular views of Joel Newschool amazingly, for he had been enabled in +his late years to see that a vast difference of _caste_ existed between +those that tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the +jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators of such +operations. He no longer groped in the darkness of men who believed in +such fallacies as that wealth gave man no superiority over honest +poverty! In short, Mr. Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions +and ostentatious feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy of the +nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet felt little or none +of that happiness that the bare-footed, merry cow boy enjoyed in the +stubble field. But such is man. + +With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy and station +claim, the retired merchant was not a happy man. Though his expensive +carriage and liveried driver were seen to roll him regularly to the +majestic church upon the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to +the massive organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's +devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed not his +neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there was at his heart a pang +that turned to lees the essence of his life. + +Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters, men and women +around him; they all married and left his roof for their own. One, a +favorite child, a daughter, a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the +father's heart had set its fondest seal--she it was that the hand of +Providence ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire. +Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses of nature, had for +her husband sought "a _man_, not a money chest," and this circumstance +had made Cecelia a severed member of the Newschool family, who could +not, in the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable +condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound _them_ to the wife of a +poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or integrity as a man. + +Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart of Cecelia, and +she repaid his pains with the full gift of a happy wife. She counted not +his worldly prospects, but yielded all to his constancy. She wished for +nothing but his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her, +she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the sunny future. + +The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one. Loving and +beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous home and ties of +kindred. But not so the proud father and the patient mother, the haughty +sisters and brothers; they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that +bitterness of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when we will +strive to stifle the better parts of our natures. + +Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly passed and gone. +Though this little space of time made little or no change in the +families of the proud and indolent relatives, it brought many changes in +the eventful life of the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little +babes nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention of +the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and admiration of all Europe +and America. + +This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the haughty relatives. +Now ashamed of their petty, poor, contemptible arrogance, they could not +in their hearts find space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity +with which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the young +mechanic. + +It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling and whistling +through the trees on the Common; the dead leaves were dropping seared +and yellow to the earth, admonishing the old gentleman whom we left +drumming upon the window, that-- + + "_Such was life!_" + +The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window pane with a dreary +_sotto voce_ accompaniment for some minutes, when he was interrupted by +an aged, pious-looking matron, who dropped her spectacles across the +book in her lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said-- + +"Joel." + +"Umph?" responded the old gentleman. + +"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving day, should we live +to see to-morrow." + +"He has," responded Mr. Newschool. + +"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God we are, for the +blessings, and prosperity, and long life vouchsafed to us, by a good and +benevolent Almighty." + +"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I know, I feel all +this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it." + +"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow we shall, +God permitting, be with our children and friends once again, together." + +"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband. + +"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the exclusion of our +own child, Cecelia, from the family re-unions, from joining us in +returning thanks to God for his mercy and preservation of us, is cruel +and offensive to Him we deign to render up our prayers." + +"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with you in this, you +have but anticipated my feelings in the matter. I have long fought +against my better feelings and offended a discriminating God, I know. +Ashamed to confess my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely +confess an altered feeling and better determination." + +"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband join with us +to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just God and kind Providence." + +"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone relieved from +my heart. I wish it done." + +Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had been held in the +paternal mansion of the Newschools, since Cecelia had left it for the +humble home of the poor artizan. But their several re-unions were +clouded, gloomy, unsocial affairs; there was a gap in the social circle +of the Newschool family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all +felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke blessings +on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and blood; it was hard to +return thanks for those dear ones present, and _wonder_ whether the +absent and equally dear had aught to be thankful for, whether instead of +health and comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty, and +despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude upon the mind, the +soul, are not likely to make merry meetings. And such was the position +and nature of the re-union upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the +Newschool mansion. But better feelings were at work, and a happy change +was at hand. + +Several carriages had already drove up to the door of Mr. Newschool, +Sen., and let down the different branches of the Newschool family. A +brighter appearance seemed gathering over the household than was usual +of late on Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party +came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation given, +and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and her husband would join the +family circle that day, in their re-union. + +The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away their pride, and +greet their sister as became Christian and sensible women. The brothers, +chagrined at the unmanliness of their conduct, now gladly joined their +approval of what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the +clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a pretty, smiling +young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable, neat attire, ascended the +large stone steps of the Newschool mansion, with a light and graceful +step, bearing a sleeping child in her arms. + +Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms of her old mother; +the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole family party were bountifully +showered upon poor Cecelia, and her sweet little daughter. Imagination +may always better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe +it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature, when thus long pent, +bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises of the pen before it, like +snow-flakes before the mighty mountain avalanche. + +Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their Thanksgiving +dinner. + +Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to the throne of +grace, expressed the day the happiest one of his long life. Quickly flew +the hours by, and as the shades of evening gathered around, Francis +Fairway was announced with a carriage for his wife's return home. +Francis Fairway, the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious of +his own position and merits, and scorned any base means to conciliate +the favor and patronage of his superiors in rank, birth, or education. +His deportment to the Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met +it with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did them honor. +Francis met a generous welcome, and the evening of Thanksgiving day was +spent in a happy re-union indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's +return home, she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child, +bearing this inscription-- + + "Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-." + +The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite Bank of Boston, +and which were duly placed in the old Bank fire-proof, to the account of +the little heir, the enterprise of the artizan having placed him above +the necessity of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the +grandchild. + + + + +Cabbage vs. Men. + + +Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and +praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden +sass! Says brother Theodore, "You don't cast garden-seed in the mire, +over the rough broken ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig, +level, rake, and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water, +you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables--why +would you do less for the material man?" Pre-cisely! we pause for an +answer, proposals received from the learned--until we go to press. + + + + +Wanted--A Young Man from the Country. + + +All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young men who have been +bred for the counter or desk, and thousands of these genteel young gents +find it any thing but an easy matter to find bread or situations half +their time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An +advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a clerk or +salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred needy and greedy +applicants, in the course of a morning! In New York, where a vast number +of these misguided young men are "manufactured," and continue to be +manufactured by the regiment, for an already surfeited market, there are +wretches who practise upon these innocent victims of perverted +usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood. + +By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods dealer, the proprietor +of one of those agencies for procuring situations for young men, +_victims_ of misplaced confidence are put through at five to ten dollars +each, somewhat after this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency, +advertises for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten +waiters, &c., &c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car and stage, +running into New York, brings in a fresh importation of young men from +the country, all fitted out in the knowledge box for salesmen, +book-keepers and clerk-ships,--every morning, a new set are offered to +be taken in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars for +obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount, and is sent to +Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods shop; he has got through with +a victim of yesterday, and is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day; +for he makes it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor, +vexatious man[oe]uvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty come +back next day, and if they do--_he don't want them!_ If the unsuspecting +victim returns to the "Agency," he is lectured roundly for his +incapacity or want of _energy!_--and advised to return to the country +and recuperate. + +Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of Sniffensville +Academy, and having many unmistakable longings for becoming a Merchant +Prince, and seeing sights in a city; and having read an account of the +great fortunes piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless +country boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and came +right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers that clerks, +salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted, dreadfully--"young men +from the country preferred"--so he called on the _suffering_ agent for +the public, and paying down his _fee_, was sent off to an _Importing +House_, on ---- street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah +found his idea of an _Importing House_ knocked into a disarranged +chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case," a large and luminous +_store_, filled up with paper boxes and sham bundles; while gaudily +festooned, were any quantity of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes, +and innumerable other tuppenny affairs. + +Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing and jobbing +house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle, heavy-bearded, shaved and +starched genus, of six-and-thirty, more or less; and received Jeremiah +with a rather patronizing survey _personelle_, and opened the engagement +with a few remarks. + +"From the country, are you?" + +"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak, State of New +Hampshire." + +"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are better trained," +said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance, honest frugality, and the +duties of a Christian man. I was brought up in the country myself. I've +made myself; carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir, +give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried them, I know +what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke near enough the truth to be +partly true, for he _had_ "tried them;" he averaged some fifty-two +clerks and an equal number of _salesmen_--yearly. + +Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary manner in which +Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was pleased to review the country and its +institutions. + +"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah. + +"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three dollars a week the +first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,) and three per cent. on the +sales they make the second year." + +By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the conclusion that +the _first_ year wouldn't add much to his pecuniary elevation, whatever +the second did with its three per cents. But he was bound to try it on, +anyhow. + +"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon----" + +"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man. + +"Ah, yes, Thomas--_pshaw!_--Jediah, I would say," continued Cheatum, +correcting himself-- + +"Jeremiah--Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps. + +"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in course of +business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names confused. Well, +Jeremiah, in the first place, you must learn to please the customers; +you must always be lively and spry, and never give an offensive answer. +Many women and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the +remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to one's +patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no possible means of +telling a woman who _shops_ for pastime, from one who shops in earnest; +so you must be careful, be polite, be lively and spry, and never let a +person _go_ without making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a +person asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them try +something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny calico, or six-penny +delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am, _beautifully_; I've tried them, or +seen them tried;' and if they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real +_Shaker flannels_? or the ninepence hose _all merino_?' better not +contradict them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried, know +they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the various questions that +may be asked," said Cheatum. + +"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand." + +"And, William----" + +"Jeremiah, sir, if you please." + +"Oh, yes; well, Jediah--Jeremiah, I would say--when you make change, +never take a ten cent piece and two cents for a shilling, but give it as +often as practicable; look out for the fractions in adding up, and +beware of crossed six-pences, smooth shillings, and what are called +Bungtown coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis. + +"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all _that_," said Jeremiah. + +"And, Jeems--pshaw!--Jacob--Jeremiah! I would say, in measuring, always +put your thumb _so_, and when you move the yardstick forward, shove your +thumb an inch or so _back_; in measuring _close_ you may manage to +squeeze out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand? And +always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered folks don't +slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves or hose, or a piece of goods, +up their sleeves, in their bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be +careful, Henry--Jeems, I should say," said Cheatum. + +Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work. The first customer he +had was a little girl, who bought a yard of ribbon for ninepence, and +Jeremiah not only stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard, +but made twelve cents go for a ninepence, which _feat_ brought down the +vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch woman, who +"tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His next adventure was the sale +of a dress pattern of sixpenny de-laine, which he _warranted_ to contain +all the perfections known to the best article, and in dashing his +vigorous scissors through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a +dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them all into +slitters! The young woman who took the dress pattern, upon reaching +home, found it contained but eight yards, when she paid for nine. She +came back, and Jeremiah Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny +calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back, and an old lady +with it; the colors and starch were all out, by dipping it in water, and +the woman went on so that Cheatum was glad to refund her money to get +rid of her. Two dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own +diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and tongue, he hauled +down and exhibited Cheatum's entire stock; the girls then were leaving, +saying they would "call again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do, +ladies, do; call again, _like to secure your custom!_" The young ladies +took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr. Bumps, and +nothing short of his humble apologies saved him from enraged cowhides! +Jeremiah saw a suspicious woman enter the store, and after overhauling a +box of gloves, he thought he saw her _pocket a pair_. He intercepted the +lady as she was going out--he grabbed her by the pocket--the lady +resisted--Jeremiah held on--the lady fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly +tore her dress off in pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the +wife of a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another +store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100, and sent to the +House of Correction for sixty days. + +How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put through since, we +know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now engaged in the practical science of +agriculture, and shudders at the idea of a young man from the country +being _wanted_ in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the elephant +that he _observed--in Boston_. + + + + +Presence of Mind. + + +Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing +for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and +hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and +slender enough to crawl through a greased _fleute_,--to use a yankeeism. + +Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, was suddenly +"indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, quite stupefied from the +effect of the deadly poisons retailed in the numerous groggeries that +really swarm near the Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport--a +gentleman who has reached a most honorable position in his profession by +sobriety and talent--was substituted for the indisposed _Shylock_, and +the play went on. + +In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the house" by his +vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and hungry aspirations for the pound +of flesh! One of the b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got +quite worked up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked +his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence of +mind,--our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of flesh,--roars +out;-- + +"S'ay, look a' here,--_why don't you give skinny de meat, don't you see +he wants it, sa-a-a-y!_" + +We very naturally infer that "the piece" _went off with a rush!_ + + + + +The Skipper's Schooner. + + +No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, can be found, +imagined or described, than the skippers of along shore, from +Connecticut river to Eastport, Maine. These critters give full scope to +the Hills and Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and +Falconbridges of the press, to embody and sketch out in the broadest +possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these "tarnal critters," it is +my purpose to draw on for my brief sketch, and I wish my readers to do +me the credit to believe that for little or no portion of my yarn or +language am I indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are +real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject. + +Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east smack or +schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes, I believe, rounded off +Cape Ann light, and owing to head winds, or some other perversity of a +nautical nature, could no further go; so the skipper and his crew--one +man, green as catnip--made for an anchorage, and hove the "hull consarn" +to. Here they lay, and tossed and chafed, at their moorings, for a day +or two, without the slightest indication on the part of the weather to +abate the nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his little +"dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions to keep all +fast, he pulled off to shore to take a look around. + +Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time after the +departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind sprang up, and not only +blew great guns, but chopped up a short, heavy sea, perfectly +astonishing and alarming to Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and +pitching schooner. It was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this +sort of reeling and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon +discomboberated his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and dancing +motion--better conceived by those who have seen the sea elephant than +described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick, so sick he could not budge from the +stern sheets, where he had taken a squat in the early commencement of +his difficulties. In the mean time, the skipper came down to the beach +and hailed the victim: + +"Hel-LO! hel-LO!" + +Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward, where stood +his noble captain, he made an effort to say over something: + +"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?" + +"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go for'ard thar and hist +the jib, take up the anchor, put your helm a-lee, and beat up to town!" + +This was all very well, provided the skipper was there to superintend, +manage and carry out his voluble orders; but as the surf prevented him +from coming on board, and the lightness of Hez's head militated against +the almost superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders, +things remained _in statu quo_, the skipper ashore, and Hez fervently +wishing he was too. + +"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?" bawled the +excited captain. + +"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner, "how on airth am I +to help it?" + +"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow eout to sea afore +long, sure as death!" responded the skipper; and before he had fairly +concluded his augury, sure enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew +round and made a bee-line _for Cowes and a market!_ This rather brought +Hezekiah to his oats--he riz, tottering and feeble, on his shaky pins, +and crawled forward to get up the jib. + +"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be," bawled the almost +frantic skipper, as the distance between him and his vessel was +increasing. "Put her abeout and head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no +kind of use in talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his +imperfect nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely bewildered +and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying over the seven +commandments and other serious lessons of youth, Hezekiah resigned +himself to the tumultuous elements, and concluded it philosophical and +scriptural resignation to let Providence and the old schooner fix out +the programme just as they might. It is commonly reported, that our +mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes them on the briny +deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in and let their smacks rip along +to the best of their knowledge and ability. They seldom founder or get +severely scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having +entered the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly unconcerned as +to future developments. Night coming on, the skipper saw his schooner +fast departing out to sea, and when she was no longer to be seen, he +made tracks for Boston, to report the melancholy facts to the owners of +the vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance. + +Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the insurance was safe, +he found himself in better spirits; so he walked down along the wharves, +to take a look out upon the bay and shipping--when lo, and behold, he +sees a vessel so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not +refrain from exclaiming: + +"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus--if thar don't come my old +beauty and Hez Perkins, too--hurrah!" + +The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe on a single +string; and as the veritable schooner came booming saucily up the bay +before a spanking breeze, with her jib spread, the skipper called out in +a voice of thunder and gladness: + +"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?" + +"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the track for the Two +Pollies!" And putting her head in among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez +let her rip and smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed +on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate Hezekiah, and +they had a regular fraternal hug all round--and Hezekiah Perkins, in +behalf of his wonderful skill, perseverance and luck, was unanimously +voted first mate of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a +change of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel back +into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick spell by daylight, +crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually made the wharf, as we have +described. + + + + +Philosophy of the Times. + + +The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of +outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the +shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or +who imagine that hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in +white kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is to the +moral man--the one made human beings out of clay, the other cuts +characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is, with us, a thing of the +goose and shears. + + + + +The Emperor and the Poor Author. + + "The pen is mightier than the sword." + + +Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very +mean, and sometimes very _rascally acts_, but they are always fortunate +in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and +pillars, o'er their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written +in memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed. An +American 74-gun ship would hardly float the mountains of _tomes_ written +upon Bonaparte and his brilliant career, as a soldier and a conqueror; +but how precious few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the +misdeeds, tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so great +a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators be so reluctant to +tell the truth of a great man's follies and crimes, seeing with what +convenience and fluency they will _lie_ for him? We contend, and shall +contend, that a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and +that one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is enough to +sully--tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant deeds; but +apparently, the accepted notion is--_vice versa_. + +In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber, a poor, +harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or most curious costume, +attracted much attention about the vicinity in which he lived, and no +doubt added somewhat to the custom of his shop, itself a _bijou_ as +curious almost as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do +with the queer outside of the _barber_ or his _shop_, and we do not now +purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at once proceed to the pith +of our subject--the Emperor and the poor Author, or Napoleon and his +Spies--and in which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a +conspicuous part. + +Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring enough to give an +impartial _expose_ of the history of the Bonapartean times, seem to +think that Napoleon committed a great error in his accession to the +throne, by doubting the stability of his reign, and having pursued +exactly measures antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the +hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his newly-acquired +power. But we don't think so; the means by which he obtained the giddy +height, to a comprehensive mind like his, at once suggested the +necessity of vigilance, promptness, and unflinching execution of +whatever act, however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his +unsleeping mind suggested-- + + "Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained." + +Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion--the fearful +hydra to all ambitious aspirants--to know all _secrets_ of the time and +states, and render one half of the great nations he held in his grasp +spies upon the other! The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink +into obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial _Espionage_ of +Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the tented field--whole +armies, like so many pieces of chess in the hands of a dexterous +player--he sat upon his throne, reclined upon his lounge or smoked in +his bath, organized and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in +the world--_an army of Spies!_ + +All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude--all conditions of life, +from peer to parvenu--from plough to the anvil--pulpit to the +bar--orators and beggars, soldiers and sailors, male and female of every +grade--men of the most insinuating address, and women of the most +seductive ages and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and +trained to serve--in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster of +war used to call his _Cytherian Cohort!_ Snares set by these imperial +policemen were difficult to avoid, from the almost utter impossibility +of suspicioning their presence or power. + +In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence of the +movements and _executions_ of Napoleon, found it prudent to shave off +his moustache and titles, and change the scene of his future life, as +well as change his name. A master of languages and a man of mind, he +sought the learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved his +incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace, and other +considerations due enlarged intellect, from those not lacking that +invaluable commodity themselves. Herr Beethoven--the new title of our +Italian "mi lord"--conceived the project of convincing the mighty +Emperor--the hero of the sword--that so little a javelin as the pen +could puncture the _sac_ containing all _his_ great pretensions, and let +the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the pen _was_ +mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed writing a pamphlet +_memorial_, involving the bombastic pretensions, the gigantic +extravagance and arrogant ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well +knew the ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed foes, +involving such a _brochure_, and the caution necessary with which he was +to produce his work. But Beethoven felt the necessity of the production; +he possessed the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow man, and +he determined to wield it and take the chances. Though scarcely giving +breath to his project--guarding each page of his writing as vigilantly +as though they were each blessed with the enchantment of a +_Koh-i-Noor_--a mysterious agency discovered the fact--Napoleon shook +in his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the following +missive reached his royal eye:-- + + _Sire(!)_--A plot is brewing against your peace; the safety of your + throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My informant, who has + read the manuscripts, informs me that he has never seen any thing + better or more imposing, and ingenious in argument and force, than + the fellow's appeal to all the crowned heads and people of Europe. + It is calculated to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs + they suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These + manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial Majesty's + Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world combined against + you, Sire. + + Leipsic, 1808. Baron De----. + +Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the mighty man, and +the "little corporal" jumped into his boots, and began to set the wheels +of his great "expediency" in motion. A message flew here, and another +there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one. A dozen +secretaries, and a score of _amanuensises_ were instantly at work, and +the alarmed "Emperor of all the French" fairly beat the _reveille_ upon +his diamond-cased snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of +an alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they were to +lend enchantment by their rapid quills. + +Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers were found +scattered all over his little sanctum--the spies had him and his +effects, most promptly; but what was the rage and disappointment of the +emissaries of the wily monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the +dreaded _fiat!_ Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written? + +They had the _man_, but his flesh and blood were as valueless as a +pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery of the _words_ he had +invested a few sheets of simple paper with! They searched his +clothes--tore up his bed, broke up his furniture, powdered his few +pieces of statuary, but all in vain--the sought for, dreaded, and hated +documents, for which his _Imperial highness_ would have secretly given +ten--twenty--fifty thousand _louis_--was not to be found! The rage of +the inquisitors was terrific--showing how well they were chosen or paid, +to serve in their atrocious capacities. The poor scribe was promised all +manner of unpleasant _finales_, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed. + +"I have written nothing--published nothing, nor do I intend to write or +publish anything," was Beethoven's reply. + +"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors, "and rely upon a +generous monarch's benevolence. My commission, sir, is limited to +ascertain whether poverty has not compelled you to write; if that be the +case, speak out; place any price upon your work--the price is nothing--I +will pay you at once and destroy your documents." + +"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are most kind and +liberal, and I regret extremely that it is _not_ in my power to avail +myself of them. I again declare, sir, that I have never written anything +against the French government--your information to the contrary is false +and wicked." + +The spies, finding they could not gain any information of the author, by +threat or bribe, carried him to France, where his doom was supposed to +be sealed in torture and death, in the _Bastile_ of the Emperor. + +But where was this fearful manuscript--this dreaded scribbling of the +God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The emissaries of his serene +highness had the blood, bones, and body of the wretched scribe, but +where was that they feared more than all the warlike forces of a million +of the best equipped forces of Europe--the paltry paper pellets of a +scholar's brain--the _memorial_ to the crowned heads, and people of the +several shivering monarchies of continental Europe? + +A few brief hours--not two days--before the _pseudo_ Herr Beethoven was +honored by the special considerations and attentions of the Emperor of +all the French--the conqueror of a third, at least, of the civilized +world--he had conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the _most +profound confidence_ he had revealed a slight whisper of his +projects--impressed with the foreshadowing that a mysterious _something_ +dangerous was about to menace him, he made way with the manuscripts, to +which his soul clung as too dear and precious to be destroyed--he gave +them to the charge of a tried friend--and before the _Cytherian Cohort_ +were upon the threshold of the author, his _memorial_ was snugly +ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a gentleman and a man +of letters, in the renowned city of Prague. The alarm and friend's +appearance seemed most opportune--for an hour after the visitation of +the one, the other was at hand--the documents transferred and on their +way to their place of refuge. + +But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness--the more +the mystery of the manuscripts augmented--the more enthusiastic became +his research--the more formidable appeared the necessity of grasping +them; and the determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they +served their purpose! + +"Bring me the manuscripts"--was the _fiat_ of the Emperor: "I care not +_how_ you obtain them--get them, _bring them here_; and mark you, let +neither money, danger nor fatigue, oppose my will. Hence--bring the +manuscripts!" + +Again Leipsic was invested by the _Cytherian Cohort_ of the modern +Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great little commandant of the +most warlike nation of the earth. The Baron ----, who was master of +ceremonies in this great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who +had given the information of the existence of the _memorial_. This +wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage and +treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious information +proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing of ill news to +vaunting ambition and quaking imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was +sure of the genuineness of his information--he was much astonished that +the Baron had not seized the _memorial_, as well as the body of the +hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous German conferred at +length; an idea seemed to strike the spy. + +"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest. "I saw a friend +visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained the same sentiments in +regard to the Emperor--_that man has the manuscripts_." + +Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the hay stack--_the_ +pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor urged, and the _Cytherian Cohort_ +plied their cunning and perseverance. That _friend_ of the poor author +was found--he was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and +children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in vain he +questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening implements--blessed his +children--kissed them, and was hurried off, he knew not whither or +wherefore! Shaubert was this man's name; he was forty, a widower--a +scholar, a poet--liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women! + +It was Baron ----'s province to find out the weak points of each victim. + +"If he has a _particular_ regard for _poetry_, he does love the fine +arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens of _fine arts_. I'll +have him!" + +In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man, confined for--he +could not learn what. Every day, the yet youthful and most fascinating, +voluptuous and beautiful daughter of the old man, visited his cell, +which was adjoining that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long +before she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower, the +poet--and sigh so piteously as to draw from the victim, at first a holy +poem, and at length an amative love lay. Like fire into tow did this +effusion of the poet's quill inflame the breast and arouse the passions +of the lovely Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the +soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's form(!), with +implements as perfect as the very jailor's, opened all the bolts and +bars, and led the captive forth to liberty! She would have the poet who +had entranced her, fly and leave her to her fate! But _poetry_ scorned +such dastardy--it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to stay, and +torture to go--Bertha must fly with him. She had a father--could she +leave him in bondage? No! She had rescued her lover--she braved +more--released her parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious +means, and giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the +flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia, they found +an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but the deliverer from bondage, if not +death, of her soul's idol; he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a +dozen poets, worshipped at her feet and besought her to bless him +evermore by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something +imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the heroic girl's +eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with most sad emotion. The poet +pressed her to his heart--fell at her feet, and begged that if his +life--property--children--be the sacrifice--but let him know the secret +at once--he was her friend--defender--lover--slave. Another sigh, and +the spell was broken. + +"Why--ah! why were you a state prisoner--a _secret_ prisoner in +the ----?" + +"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell; indeed I have not +the merest _hint_, in my own mind, to tell me for what I was arrested +and thrown into prison!" + +"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then wed the man I +love--I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown fate--at some moment +least expected, to be torn from his arms--lost to him forever!" + +"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to other and more +secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet smile, my dear Bertha, +obscurity--poverty would be nothing." + +"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father--the land of my +birth--home of my childhood. I that have given you liberty, may point +out a way to deliver you from further restraint. How I learned the +nature of your crime, ask not; I know your secret." + +"Ah! what mean you?" + +"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with downcast eyes and +heaving bosom, "you impaled your generous self to save a friend--the +friend fled--you were arrested--" + +"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven----" + +"Gave you possession of----" she continued. + +"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring not to breathe +"yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver. + +"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own life and liberty +to preserve yours, I have----" + +"I--I know it all, dear--dearest angel, but----" + +"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but melting gaze +upon the poor victim. + +"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be----" + +"It is known--I know it--I learned it from your captors; but for my +_love_," said the girl, "mad--guilty love--your life would have been +forfeited--your house pillaged by the emissaries of the Emperor, in +quest of those manuscripts. While they exist, Bertha cannot be +happy--Bertha's love must die with her--Bertha be ever miserable!" + +"I-a--I will--but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It is false--false!" +exclaimed the almost distracted poet. + +"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the poet, and +throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy your love?" + +"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for God's sake! Rise; let +me at your feet swear, in answer--_No!_" + +"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that hated, damned +viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of Bertha. Give me the key of +your misery; O! bless me--bless your Bertha; give me those accursed +manuscripts, daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at +once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha, the idol of +your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!" + +This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked the room, +sighed, tore his _mouchoir_, oscillated between honor and +temptation--the angel form and syren tongue of the woman triumphed. In +course of a dozen hours, Bertha, the lovely, enchanting _spy_, opened +the secret drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed +literary rubbish, the dreaded _memorial_ was found--clutched with the +eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon the verge of +eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred swift relays, the poor +author's manuscripts were placed in the hands of the mighty Emperor, and +while he read their fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid +with each scathing word of the _memorial_, he hurriedly issued his +orders--gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while he made the spy a +_countess_, he ordered hideous death to the poor poet and despair and +misery to his children. + +"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected of a hand in +this; let them be dealt with instantly--trouble me not with detail, but +give me sure returns. Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg +and tooth; fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty--_fly!_" + +That _snake_ was scotched and killed--the few brief pages of an obscure +author that drove sleep, appetite and peace from the mighty Emperor, for +days and nights--made busy work for his thousands of +emissaries--scattered his gold in weighty streams--was read, cursed and +destroyed, and all suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in +the secret _memorial_, met a secret fate--death or prolonged +wretchedness. + +Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being overlooked in the +hot pursuit of his production, and by the blunder of those having charge +of himself and hundreds of other state prisoners--guilty or _suspected_ +opponents to the vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended +his own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean isle--was +liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond the reach of +monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven came to America and settled in +Philadelphia, where, in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and +pruner of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the residue +of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in their profoundest +philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired, grotesque-looking +barber, who tweaked their plebeian noses and combed their caputs, once +rejoiced in grand heraldic escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a +veritable Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the +feet of a second Alexander! + +But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full of change and +mystery. + + + + +The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck. + + +The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific +crucifiers of the _violin_ we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day, +and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us +the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard +spent last winter in a tour over the State of _Maine_ and Canada. During +this _cool_ excursion, he got way up among the _wood_-choppers and +_log_-men of the Aroostook and Penobscot country. These wood-chopping +and log-rolling gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly, +free-and-easy, hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about there +live in very primitive style; their camps and houses are very useful, +but not much addicted to the "ornamental." Howard had a very long, +tedious and perilous _tramp_, on foot, during a part of his +peregrinations, and coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men, +he laid up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building of +the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the weather was +intensely cold--house crowded, and wood and game plenty. After a hard +day's toil, in snow and water, these log-men felt very much inclined, to +sleep. A huge fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea +things" were put away, Howard gave them a _choon_ or two, and then the +woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps--into a capacious loft overhead, +and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins and straw, enjoyed their +sound and refreshing sleep--with a slight drawback. + +Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called and known among +them as--_Old Tantabolus!_ He was a wiry and hardy old rooster; though +his frosty poll spoke of the many, many years he had "been around," his +body was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man was a grand +spinner of yarns; he had been all around creation, and various other +places not set down in the maps. He had been a soldier and sailor: been +blown up and shot down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to: +suffered from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns and smiles +of fortune--especially the _frowns_; in short, according to old man +Tantabolus's own account of himself, he had seen more ups and downs, and +made more narrow and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and +Gulliver both together--with Baron Trenck into the bargain! + +For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being fresh and +novel, he was quite a _lion_ among the woodmen, but now that the novelty +had worn off, and they'd got used to his long yarns, they voted him "an +old bore!" The old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong +enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would eat his supper, +light his pipe--sit down by the fire, and spin yarns, as long as a +listener remained, and longer. In short, Old Tantabolus would _spin_ +them all to bed, and then make their heads spin, with the clouds of +_baccy_ smoke with which he'd fill the _ranche_. + +Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old chap would +wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then turning out again, between +daybreak and midnight, Old Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of +fresh wood--raise a roaring fire--make the _ranche_ hot enough to roast +an ox, then treat all hands to another _stifling_ with his old +_calumet_, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a-- + +"A-booh! oo-_oo!_" by one of the lodgers, overhead. + +"Boo-oo-_ooh!_ Old Tantabolus's got that--booh-oo-oo-_oo_,--pipe of +his'n again,--boo-oo-oo!" chimed another. + +"A-a-a-_chee!_ oo-oo-augh-h-h-_ch-chee!_ Cuss that--a-_chee_--pipe. +Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that--a-_chee!_--darn'd old +pipe!" bawled another. + +"A'_nand_?" was the old fellow's usual reply. + +"A-boo-ooh-_ooh!_" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's call, in a gale of +wind, would be issued from the throat of an old "logger," as the +fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then +would follow a miscellaneous-- + +"A-_chee_-o! Ah-_chee!_ boo-ooh-oo-_ooh!_" tapering off with divers +curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of +arousing "the whole community" in "the dead watches and middle of the +night," with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could +apparently endure. + +At length, a private _caucus_ was held, and a diabolical plan set, to +put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old +Tantabolus--"_let's blow him up!_" + +And this they agreed to do in _this_ wise. Before "retiring to rest," as +we say in civilized _parlance_, the lodging community were in the habit +of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious +fire-place, in order--should a very common occurrence _occur_,--i. e., a +fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders +might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could +work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful +practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the +caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid +stick--pack it with powder--lay it among the wood, and when Old +Tantabolus _riz_ to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and +disappear--_in a blue blaze!_ Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite +unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next +evening, with greater _gusto_ than usual, and one after another of his +listeners finally dropped off to _roost_, in the loft above, leaving +the old man to go it alone--finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to +his bunk, which, as was his wont to do--he did. Stillness reigned +supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent +confidence, many of his no less weary companions above--watched for the +approaching _tableaux!_ And they were gratified, to their heart's +content, for the tableaux _came!_ + +"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old _Tanty's_ about to wake up!" and +then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers +open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose +straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old +rooster gave a long yawn--"Aw-w-w-w-_um!_" flirted off his "kiverlids" +and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which, +he gave an extra "Aw-w-w-_um!_" knocked the ashes out of his +pipe--filled it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it +a few whiffs, and then said: + +"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start up a good fire." +Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light +sticks of dry wood. + +"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a bite, before you +know it!" + +"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a _goner_, Old Tantabolus!" says another, +in a pig's whisper. + +"There! there he's got the fire up--now look out!" + +"He's got the stick--" + +"Goin' to clap it on!" + +"Now it's on!" + +"Look out for fun, by George, look out!" + +"He'll blow the house up!" + +"Godfrey! s'pose he does?" + +"What an infernal _wind_ there is this morning!" says the old fellow, +hearing the _buzz_ and indistinct whispering overhead; "guess it's +snowin' like _sin_; I'll jist start up this fire and go out and see." +But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when--"_bang-g-g!_" +went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not +only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose +flooring--setting the straw beds in a blaze--filling the house with +smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate _rush_ of +the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning +building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril +of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the _ranche!_ +The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the +intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over--"Boys, +arter this, _be careful how you lay your powder round!_" + + + + +An Active Settlement. + + +Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants +mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other +historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved +now and then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by relieving +straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man engaged in a quiet smoke, +sees a deer or bear sneaking around, and by taking down his rifle, has +steaks for breakfast, and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his +door. Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and bloom +spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear buck-skin trowsers, +coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, and alligator-hide boots. Old +San Jacinto walked into the Senate last winter--fresh from home--with a +panther-skin vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that +Texas. + + + + +A Yankee in a Pork-house + + +"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a +looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day. + +"Pork!" echoes a decidedly _Green_ Mountain biped, at the elbow of the +first speaker. + +"Yes, I vow it's quite as-_tonishing_ how much pork is sold here and +_et_ up by somebody," continued the old gent. + +"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat resembled a +fat lath, and whose general _contour_ made it self-evident that _he_ was +not given much to frivolity, jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or +perfumed and "fixed up" barberality extravagance. + +"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his hands rested in +the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his eyes rested upon the first +speaker. + +"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, _I_ guess?" + +"No, I never was," says the old gent. + +"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been _in_ a Pork-haouse?" + +"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?" + +"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon not--don't +begin--'tain't nothin' like--not a speck in a puddle to a Pork-haouse--a +Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!" + +"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty stiff, out +there," says the old gentleman. + +"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to me, I knew yeou +somewhere?" says our Yankee. + +"You might," cautiously answers the old gent. + +"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?" + +"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir." + +"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?" + +"Oh, no, I'm not _in_ business, at all, sir," was the reply. + +"Not? Oh,"--thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no matter, I thought +p'raps yeou were from up aour way--I'm from near Maoun-Peelier--State of +Varmount." + +"Ah, indeed?" + +"Ya-a-s." + +"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent. + +"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"--was the abstracted response of Yankee, who seemed to +be revolving something in his own mind. + +"Raise a great deal of wool--fine sheep country?" + +"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the everlasting hog +craop!" + +"Think not, eh?" said the old gent. + +"I swow _teu_ pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, afore +breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this buildin' clean open!" + +"You don't tell me so?" + +"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?" + +"I said not." + +"Never in a Pork-haouse?" + +"Never." + +"Wall, yeou've hearn tell--of Ohio, I reckon?" + +"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer. + +"Yeou don't say so?" + +"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent. + +"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living aout there; one's +trading, t'other's keepin' school; may be yeou know 'em--Sampson +Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his +fa'ther, no, his _mother_ married--'tain't no matter; my name's +Small,--Appogee Small, and I was talkin'----" + +"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses." + +"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at Cincinnatty--teu +weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, they do deu business there; beats +Salvation haow they go it on steamboats--bust ten a day and build six!" + +"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs----" + +"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;--fus thing you meet is a +string--'bout a mile long, of big and little critters, greasy and sassy +as sin; buckets and bags full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs +of hogs. Foller up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou +go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu an almighty +large haouse--big as all aout doors, and a feller steps up to me and +says he:-- + +"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?' + +"'Yeou deu?' says I. + +"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was. + +"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, we'll send a +feller with you!' + +"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, daown stairs--aout +in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou should jist seen the +hogs--couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!" + +"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent. + +"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; sech cussin' and +hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one eend of the lot and +punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech a smell of hogs and fat, +_brissels_ and hot water, I swan _teu_ pucker, I never did cal'late on, +afore! + +"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers kept a +craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there two fellers kept a +shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang of the all-firedest dirty, +greasy-looking fellers _aout_--stuck 'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore +yeou could say Sam Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the +lot--killed--scalded and scraped." + +"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent. + +"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many hogs deu yeou cal'late +them fellers killed and scraped a day?" + +"Couldn't possibly say--hundreds, I expect." + +"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill thirteen hundred in teu +hours;--did, by golly!" + +"Yeou don't say so?" + +"Yes, _sir_. And a feller with grease enough abaout him to make a barrel +of saft soap, said that when they hurried 'em up some they killed, +scalded and scraped ten thousand hogs in a day; and when they put on the +steam, twenty thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single +day!" + +"I want to know!" + +"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they scalded the +critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, it was amazin' how the +_brissels_ flew! Afore a hog knew what it was all abaout, he was bare as +a punkin--a hook and tackle in his _snaout_, and up they snaked him on +to the next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in and up +through the scuttles--jest in one stream! + +"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller. + +"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a hacken on 'em up. By +golly, it was deth to particular people the way the fat and grease +_flew!_ Two _whacks_--fore and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say--split +the hog; one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of +sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered--grabbed and carried off to +another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' chaps layed to and +cut and skirted around;--hams and shoulders were going one way, sides +and middlins another way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't +'pear to be full of flying pork--in hams, sides, scraps and greasy +fellers--rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they were saltin' +and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other place they were frying +aout the lard--fillin' barrels, from a regular river of fat, coming aout +of the everlastin' biggest bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked +the feller if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped +the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he s'pected. He +said they were not hurryin' then, but if I would come in, some day, when +'steam was up,' he'd show me quick work in the pork business--knock +daown, drag aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel _before +he got through squealin'!_ + +"Hello! Say!--'Squire, gone?" + +The old gent was--_gone_; the _last brick_ hit him! + + + + +German Caution + + +Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of +Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot +of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price, +he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars--no less." + +"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?" + +"Nine tousand dollars." + +"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers. + +"Because der tam place ain't worth any more." + +Ain't that Dutch. + + + + +Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell. + + +A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written, +on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" +for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live +to wonder how men--to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age--can +heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole +utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children, +annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a +poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the +city, and precious little _use_ for them any where else; and as _Boz_ +says of oysters--you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find +the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs, +especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies, +you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No +rowdy, or gentleman at large, in the _Quaker City_, feels _finished_, +without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while +the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and +dastardly curs, perfectly astounding--to us. This brings us to a short +and rather pithy story of a dog _sell_. + +Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up" +on dogs, and who could talk _hoss_ and dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or +Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were +congregated in a famous resort, a place known as _Hollahan's_. A +dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the +"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the +battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and +the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low +degree,--dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we +much doubt, if ever before or since--this side of "Seven Dials" or St. +Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs, +witnessed. + +An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a +disciple of _Paley_ to imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment +within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most +attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a +dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently +unconcerned upon the subject. + +"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and +taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys, +you're talkin' about _dogs!_" + +"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers. + +"Dogs," echoes the old one. + +"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs." + +"What do you know about _dogs?_" says a full-blown _Jakey_, looking +sharply at the old fellow. + +"Know about _dogs?_" + +"A' yes-s," says _Jakey_. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't +know a Spaniel from a butcher's _cur!_" + +"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be I _don't_, +but it's _my_ 'pinion you'd make a sorry _fiste_ at best, if you had +tail and ears a little longer!" + +This _sally_ amused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de +machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose +eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness. +_Jakey_ backing down, another of the by-standers put in. + +"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?" + +"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog +talk--confounded dry!" + +"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers, +thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him. +"What'll you drink?--come up, daddy." + +"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then +giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a +long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he +partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel-- + +"Here's a _dog_, boys." + +"That your dog, dad?" asked several. + +"That's my dog, boys. He _is_ a dog." + +"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men. + +"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one. + +"Breed? He ain't any breed, _he_ ain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up +the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him--see his +tushes; growl, Barney, growl!--Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed, +boys; _he's original stock!_" + +"Well, so I was going to say," says one. + +"That dog," says another, "must be valuable." + +"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't +sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn--so much talkin' +makes one dry." + +"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys. + +"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and +that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is +like my dog--_can't be beat!_" + +"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?" + +"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander, +and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about +it." + +"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried. + +"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun +Tavern?" + +"We've heard of him, daddy--go on," says they. + +"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man, +but his wife--wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread +with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter +pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much +left." + +"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about your _dog_." + +"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog; +set up, Barney--look at his ears, boys--great, ain't they? Well, Ben's +wife was mean--meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any +thing that _et_; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a +pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at +a meal, _awful!_" + +"Blow the old woman; tell us about the _dog_, poppy," said they. + +"Now, I'm coming to the pint--but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my +life. I am dry--plaguy dry," said the old one. + +"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now +let her slide. How about the _dog?_" + +"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I +don't find such sperrets as that _often_. Well, boys, as you're anxious +to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old +woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and +'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller +wanted to buy a good dog, down to the _drove yard_, and he takes +Barney--stand up, Barney--see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog, +he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to the _drove yard_. He +met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney _was_ a +dog--he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog +Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog--but, boys, I'm gittin' +dry--_rotted dry_--" + +"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys. + +"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for +him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?" + +The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price, +some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars--the old fellow +continuing to say "No," until they gave it up. + +"Well, boys, I'll tell you--that feller, after looking and looking at +Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour--_didn't offer a red +cent for him!_ Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me--there +he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets." + +But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit--_mizzled!_ + + + + +The Perils of Wealth + + +Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the +fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious +cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal, +woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season. +It is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death. +Where it makes one man a happy _Christian_, it makes ten thousand +miserable _devils_. It is no use to argufy the matter, for money is the +"root of all evil," more or less, and--as Patricus Hibernicus is +supposed to have said of a single feather he reposed on--if a dollar +gives some men so much uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has +formed the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish that +they were all imbued, as our present story is, with--more irresistible +mirth than misery. Lend us your ears. + +Not long ago, one of our present well-known--or ought to be, for he is a +man of parts--business men of Boston, resided and carried on a small +"trade and dicker" in the city of Portland. By frugal care and small +profits, he had managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in +_halves_, finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash, +he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of _small cities_; +and he concluded that Portland was hardly big enough for a man of his +pecuniary heft! In short, he began to feel the importance of his +position in the world of finance, and conceived the idea that it would +be a sheer waste of time and energy to stay in Portland, while with +_his_ capital, he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the +millionaires and hundred thousand dollar men! + +"Yes," said B----, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to stay here any +longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But what will I do with my money? +How will I invest it? Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before +I conclude to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," he +continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his sanctum; "I'll +not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going to Boston to see how +business is there in my line; and my money I'll put in an old cigar box, +and--" + + * * * * * + +B---- was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his hand. His +"good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was uttered, and for the tenth +time he charged his better half to be careful of the fire, (he occupied +a frame house,) see that the doors were all locked at night, and "be +sure and fasten the cellar doors." + +B---- had got out on to the pavement, with no time to spare to reach the +cars in season; yet he halted--ran back--opened the door, and in evident +concern, bawled out to his wife-- + +"Caddie!" + +"Well?" she answered. + +"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!" + +"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of the house. + +"And whatever you do, _don't forget them cellar doors_, Caddie!" + +"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B----, lickety split, for the +Boston train. + +After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern Athens, B---- found +an opening--a good one--to go into business, as he desired, upon a +liberal scale; but he found vent for the explosion of one very +hallucinating idea--his six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a +most infinitesimal _circumstance_, a mere "flea bite;" would do very +well for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable +business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation among the +monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and "bears" on 'change. However, +this realization was more than counter-balanced by another +fact--"confidence" was a largely developed _bump_ on the business head +of Boston, and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an +abundance of good business qualifications--spirit, energy, talent and +tact--they were bound to see him through! In short, B----, the great +Portland capitalist, found things about right, and in good time, and in +the best of spirits, started for home, determining, in his own mind, to +give his wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact +that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred silver dollars, +and about to move his _institution_--but the better half of a gentleman +on the verge of a new campaign as a Boston business man. + +"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B----; "how she'll go in; +for she's had a great desire to live in Boston these five years, but +thinks I'm in debt, and don't begin to believe I've got them six hundred +all hid away down----. But I'll surprise her!" + +B---- had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his house, with his +mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful tidings and grand surprise +in store for Mrs. B., when a sudden change came over the spirit of his +dream! As he gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading +day, he thought--yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, barrels of +lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other building and repairing +materials, strewn in the rear of his domicil! The cellar doors--those +wings of the subterranean recesses of his house--which he had cautioned, +earnestly cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and +securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of his abode +looked quite dreary and haunted. + +"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B----, rushing into the rear door of his +domestic establishment, to the no small surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a +premature-- + +"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?" + +"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't I earnestly beg of +you to keep those doors--cellar doors--shut? fastened?" + +"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? Why, there's nothing +in the cellar." + +"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B----. + +"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded the wife; "there is +nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, our drain and Mrs. A.'s +drain got choked up; she went to the landlord about it; he sent some +men, they examined the drain, and came back to-day with their tools and +things, and went down the cellar." + +"_Down the cellar?_" gasped B----, quite tragically. + +"Down _the_ cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B. + +"Give me a light--quick, give me a light, Caroline!" + +"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the potatoes, the +meat, the squashes." + +"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a light!" and with a +genuine melo-drama rush, B---- seized the lamp from his wife's hand, and +down the cellar stairs he went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was +heard-- + +"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!" + +With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down the stairs, to +her husband. He had dropped the lamp--all was dark as a coal mine. + +"Fred--Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you done?" cried his +wife, in intense agony and doubt. + +"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed. + +"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?" + +"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing murder on one +another?" came a voice from above stairs. + +"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker. + +"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get skeert. Is thare +robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?" + +This brought B---- to his proper reckoning. He ordered his wife to "go +up," and he followed, and upon reaching the room, he found quite a +gathering of the neighbors. He was as white as a white-washed wall, and +the neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or a +chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel the mystery, B---- +informed them that he had merely gone down cellar to see what the +masons, &c., had been doing--dropped his lamp--his wife screamed--and +that was all about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook +their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner had they gone, +than B---- seized his hat and cut stick for the office of a cunning, +far-seeing limb of the law, leaving Mrs. B. in a state of mental +agitation better imagined than described. B---- stated his case--he had +buried six hundred dollars in a box under the _lee_ of the cellar-wall, +and gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would suit, a +parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, must come and go +right there and then to dig--get the six hundred dollars and clear. + +After a long chase, law and bother, B---- recovered half his +money--packed up and came to Boston.--There's a case for you! Beware of +money! + + + + +Nursing a Legacy. + + +Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business; +sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by +it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun +in it. + +Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, and a resident +of a small town in the lower part of Delaware, began life on a very +limited capital, and because of a natural disposition indigenous to the +climate and customs of his native place--general apathy and unmitigated +_patience_ peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, amid the +stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken country--Lev +never increased it. Lev had an uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or +child," and was reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was +proverbially mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half of the +people who knew him. He had a small estate, had lived long, and by his +close-fisted manner of life, it was believed that Gunter had laid by a +pretty considerable pile of the root of all evil, for something or +somebody; and one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion that +as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon resign his +interests in all worldly gear, _he_ would volunteer to console the +declining years of his dear old uncle, by his own pleasant company and +encouragement, and the old man very gladly accepted the proposals of +Lev, to cut wood, dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and +dilapidated farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation +and long service he had worn them about out; he had little or no +"stock" upon his _farm_, quite as scant an assortment of utensils, few +fences, and in fact, to any actively disposed individual, the general +appearance and state of affairs about old Gunter's _place_ would have +given the double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf and +lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic evolutions, so +he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's dilapidated farm, as he +was annoyed by the beggarly way the old man lived, and the assiduous +desire he seemed to manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering +chips, patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he and the +two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely raising enough to keep +soul and body of the party together. + +At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too much for Lev +Smith's constitution, but the great object in view consoled him, and the +more he saw of the old man's meanness, the more and more he took it for +granted that his uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after +three years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking down; +the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had served so long a +time, so patiently and lovingly, and the old man apparently upon his +very last legs--it seemed a ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give +out, so he made up his mind to--wait a little longer. Another year +rolled on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got the more +assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors wondered how a young +man _could_ stick on, and put up with such a miserly, mean, selfish and +penurious old curmudgeon as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized +of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, and not +unfrequently said, in a groaning voice: + +"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the Lord it was in your +poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's distressed power to--" + +"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most deceitfully respond; +"I ask nothing for myself; what I do, I _do_ willingly!" + +"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, miserable, +wretched uncle don't deserve it." + +"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, and I'll do it." + +"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle will be +grateful--we'll see." + +"I know that--I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe--and that's enough, +_all_ I ask." + +"And if he don't--poor, miserable old creature,--if he don't pay you, +the Lord will, Levi!" + +"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says the humbugging +nephew. And so they went, Lev not only waiting on the old man with the +tender and faithful care of a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender +resources ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways and +matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged and quartered before +he would in a like manner done likewise. But the end came--the old +fellow held on toughly; he never died until Lev's patience, hope and +slender income were quite threadbare; so he at last went off the +handle--Lev buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny +fashion. + +Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's affairs in grief +and solicitude. Another party also awaited the upshot of the matter, +with due solemnity and expectation, and that party was Polly Williams, +Lev's "intended," and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev +Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, but sure to +get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth in the world, and +therefore, with more craft and diligence, if possible, than Lev +practised, the Williamses set Polly's cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was +not unmindful of the fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as +his two children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright and +propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on hand at Squire +Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the estate of the deceased +settled. + +As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of the neighbors +were on hand--old Williams, of course. + +"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire. + +"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his bandanna, and +smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good man, 'Squire." + +"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number of the neighbors +shook their head and stroked their beards, as if to say amen. + +"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he mout not," continued the +Squire; "some thinks he was not; I only say he was a queer old mortal, +and here's his will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c., +&c.," continued the Squire. + +"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor _dear_ old man!" + +"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire. + +"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how _I_ shall miss him in this world of +sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams bit his skinny lips, and +the neighbors again stroked their beards. + +"To comfort my declining years--" + +"Poor, _dear_ old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I could do," +groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do half enough." + +"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world--" continued the +'Squire. + +"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev. + +"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev looked vacantly over +his handkerchief, at the Squire), I have made up my mind (Lev all +attention) that no mortal shall benefit by me; I have therefore +mortgaged and sold (Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's +value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where none but the +devil himself can find it!" + +There was a general snicker and stare--all eyes on Lev, his face as +blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's countenance fell into a +concatenation of grimaces and wrinkles--language fails to describe! + +"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his glasses. +"Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects something (Lev brightens up, old +Williams grins!)--he has hung around me for a long time, expecting it +(Lev's jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years boarding +and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present of my two old negroes, +Ben and Dinah." + +"The--the--the--cussed old screw," bawls old Williams. + +"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, miserable old +scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with virtuous indignation, and +swinging his doubled up fists. + +"And you--you--you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, hypocritical +skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his bony fingers in poor Lev's +face, the neighbors grinning from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my +Polly, in this yer way. Now clear yourself--take them old niggers, don't +leave 'em here for the crows to eat--clear yourself!" + +Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old Ben and Dinah to +the tender mercies of a quite miserable and equally wretched +neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't "take on" much about the matter, but +in the course of a few weeks took another venture in love's lottery, +and--was married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his +childhood, a wiser and a poorer man. + + + + +The Troubles of a Mover. + + +"Mr. Flash in?" + +"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son." + +"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy. + +"Guess not, my son; I live here." + +"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here." + +"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan. + +"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," says little +breeches. + +Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, then says +he-- + +"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come here, for us." + +The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet unplaced +household effects--for Flannigan had just moved in--and Flannigan calls +for Mrs. F. The lady appears and denies all knowledge of any such +purchases, or reception of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears +out. + +In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces another +customer. Flannigan being at work in the parlor, answers the call; he +opens the door, and there stands "a greasy citizen." + +"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?" + +"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir." + +"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives here, got this bill +agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, per-visions." + +"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know you, or owe you, of +course!" + +"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, _any how_;" growls our greasy +citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?" + +"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan. + +"You can't?" + +"Certainly not." + +"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher. + +"No more than the man in the moon!" + +"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge _me_, in no sich a way," says the +butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, you may tell him +so!--for _me!_" growls the butcher. + +"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, don't know +him from Adam, as I've already told _you_," says Flannigan, closing the +door--the "greasy citizen" walking down the steps muttering thoughts +that breathe and words that burn! + +Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the centre table, to +hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor wall, when another ring was +heard of the bell. He called to his little daughter to open the door and +see what was wanted. + +"Is your fadder in, ah?" + +"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she could reach +the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in. + +"Goot mornin', I bro't de _pills_ in." + +"Pills?" says Flannigan. + +"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars foof'ey cents. I +vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees you was run away." + +"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought bread of you!" + +"_Vaw's!_ Tonner a' blitzen!--don't owes me!" + +"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing--hammer in hand, upon the top of +the table. + +"_Vaw's!_ you goin' thrun away and sheet me, _ah_?" + +"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've just moved in +here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw me before, and of course I +never dealt with you!--don't you see?" + +"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat you vant, to +sheet me out mine preet, you raskills--I go fetch the con-stabl's, de +shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off +rushes the enraged man of dough, upsetting the various small articles +piled up on the bureau in the hall--by _wanging_ to the door. + +Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near dashing his +hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping there was an end to the +annoyances he kept at work, until another ring of the bell announced +another call. The Irish girl went to the door; Flannigan listens-- + +"Mr. Flash in?" + +"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan was the same in Dutch. +"Would yees come in, sir," and in comes the young man. + +"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested sir, with +the bill of that china set, &c." + +"Mistake, sir--I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan. + +"Isn't your name Flash, sir!" + +"No, sir, my name's _Flannigan_. I've just moved here." + +"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash gone to, do you +know." + +"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all this morning by +persons that scoundrel appears to owe. He moved out of here, day before +yesterday; I took his unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling, +having noticed it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and +he cleared for California, I believe." + +This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that his "firm" was +_done_, and the young man and _his_ bill stepped out. Another _ring_, +and Flannigan opens the door; two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had +been buying some tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a +fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements poor +Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, cash down! These gentlemen +felt very vindictive, of course, and hinted awful strong that Flannigan +was privy to Flash's movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan +losing his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to +vamose!--they did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" as they +walked away! + +The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" in the back +parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl answered the call, and +returned with a bill of sundry groceries, handed in by a man at the +door. + +"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone--left--don't know him, and don't want to +know him, or have any thing to do with him or his bill!" + +The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears a _muss_ in +the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was Biddy and the grocer's man +in a high dispute. Biddy--"true to her instinct," had made a bull of her +message by telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the divil +wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, and give him to +understand that Mr. Flash was gone to parts unknown, and--the grocer, in +common with bakers, butchers, tinners and china dealers--were _done!_ + +But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" made their appearance, +for a small bill of seven dollars, for washing and ironing the dickeys +and fine linen of the Flashes. + +"An' de fac _am_," says the one, "we's bound to hab de money, _shuah!_" + +It did not seem to _take_ when Flannigan informed his colored friends +that they were surely _done_, as their debtor had "cut his lucky" and +gone! + +The darkies felt inclined to be _sassy_, and Flannigan closed the door, +ordering them to create a vacancy by clearing out, and just as he closed +the door, ring goes the bell! + +"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting his brogan upon the +sill, as Flannigan opened the door--"I've come wid me _coz_-zin to git +her wages, ye's owin' her!" + +"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan. + +"_Igh!_" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall. + +"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan. + +"_Scoun-thril!_" roars the outraged "adopted citizen." + +"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, as Paddy makes a +rush to grab him. + +"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye--ye--" but here his oration drew towards +a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in +forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between the +_ogle-factories_ of Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling, +Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling +upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps, +dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor +Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white +spirits and black, all in a lump. + +Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were +denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared, +the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for +stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to +seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house--ready to be taken +away! + +Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural +Yankee, was terrific! + +Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried +to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached +home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs," +fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a +"bad name," he couldn't stay in it. + + + + +The Question Settled. + + +"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof." +_White_,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the +famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the _Blade_ +office, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor-- + +"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a +debbil ob a talk about in de papers?" + +"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my +'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder +Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!" + +"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is." + +"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna +question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob +applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin, +_I'se dar!_" + +"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles +ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your +ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole +nigger--yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters, +and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in. + + + + +How it's Done at the Astor House. + + +People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in +liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best +ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank +down, by the possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated. +Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, to +fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, or even that +detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called _French brandy_,--which, +in fact, is generally aquafortis, corrosive sublimate, cochineal, +logwood, and whiskey,--and don't happen to know too many drouthy +cronies, may make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in +the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live stock, and +real estate, when you know how it's done. + +Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping trained dogs or +trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize purse and +reputation, like drinking. + +"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth doctor," "look +into my mouth." + +"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller. + +"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look again; you see +nothing!" + +"Nothing, sir!" + +"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, for I've +just finished swallowing--_three hundred negroes and two cotton +plantations!_" + +Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable drinking saloon +in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant drinking establishments in +that part of the country. The young chaps belonged over in +Kentucky--daddies rich, and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's +have a spree! The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a +fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of all the +most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. Getting fuddled, they +got uproarious; they kicked over the tables and knocked down the +waiters. The landlord, not exactly appreciating that sort of "going on," +remonstrated, and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and +furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the people present, +who "dug out" very quick, leaving the bacchanalians to their glory; +whereupon, they fell to and fired their pistols into the mirrors, +paintings, chandeliers, &c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the +time the young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and +after the usual battering and banging of the now almost inanimate bodies +of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. Next day they settled +their bills, and it cost them about $2200! It was rather an expensive +lesson, but it's altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a +letter of it yet. + +A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were cruising around +New York, one evening, seeing the lions, and their cicerone,--by the +way, a "native" who knew what _was_ what,--took them up Broadway, and as +they passed the Astor House, says one of the strangers: + +"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?" + +"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "_this_, boys, is a great +tavern, fine place to get a drink." + +"Well, be hooky, let's all go in." + +In they all went; taking a private room or small side parlor, the +country gents requested Smith to do the talking and order in the liquor. +Smith called for a bill of fare, upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts" +and harder named wines and _liquors_ than could be committed to memory +in a week. + +"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing it to the +servant, "that's it--two bottles, bring 'em up." + +Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The country gents froze to +it. They had never tasted such stuff before, in all their born days! + +"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," "got eny more uv +that wine?" + +"O, yes, sir!" says the servant. + +"Well, fetch it in." + +"Two bottles, sir?" + +"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!--I can go two on 'em myself," +says the country gent. + +The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after a few grimaces +and whispering, the servant and one of the bar-keepers, or clerks, +carried up the wine. Says the clerk, whispering to Smith, whom he +slightly knew: + +"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?" + +"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the catalogue, +ain't it?" + +"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw. + +"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't snake your +handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want us to fork rite up fur +these drinks?" hauling out his wallet. + +"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change. + +"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out a handful +of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay for what licker we +drink--be thunder!" + +In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it was of no +importance just then--the bill would be presented when they got through. +This was satisfactory, and the party went on finishing their wine, +smoking, &c. + +"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one of the gents, +beginning to feel his oats, some! + +"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "_sham_" in "the +tavern" were called for, and which the party drank with great gusto. + +"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or some other place +where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, mister,"--to the servant,--"go +fetch in the landlord." + +"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some doubts as to the +meaning of the phrase. + +"Ay, landlord--or that chap that was in here just now; tell him to fetch +in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; well, what's the damages?" +asks the gent, so ambitious of putting the party through, and hauling +out a handful of keys, silver and coppers, to do it with. + +"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing one of +those fancy gamboge titles found upon an Astor House catalogue, +"_ninety-six dollars--_" + +"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small change, that he +had began to sort out on the table. + +"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars--seven dollars," coolly +continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and three dollars." + +"_A hundred and three thunder--_" + +"A HUNDRED AND THREE DOLLARS!" cried the country gents, in one breath, +all starting to their feet, and putting on their hats. + +The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged up" the amount, +looked very sober, and walked out. + +"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre." + +"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for to-night, Mr. +Smith." And they made for their lodgings. + +If those country gents were asked, when they got home, any particulars +about the "elephant," they'd probably hint something about getting a +glimpse of him at the Astor House. + + + + +The Advertisement. + + +Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will +interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief, +and--singularly true. + +A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three +pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, who lost his life in the +corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, built in Kensington for one of the +South American republics, and launched in 1826. The South Americans +being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, was sold to +the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for Constradt in 1830. Some +forty of the carpenters, who had built the vessel, went out in her; she +had immense, but symmetrical spars--carried vast clouds of canvass--was +caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall--her spars came thundering to the +deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was among the slain. + +The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for the departed; +pinching poverty was at her door; upon her own exertions now devolved +the care and toil of rearing her three children. Cynthia, the eldest, +was a pretty brunette, of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could +"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy and +intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, Rosa, one of the +most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little girls of seven years, poetical +fancy ever realized, "the neighbors thought," ought to be _given_ to +somebody, to raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a +task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and so, kind, +generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with which disinterested +friends console or advise the unfortunate, "the neighbors" became very +eloquent and argumentative. But though the mother's hands were weak, her +heart was strong, and her love for her children still stronger. + +It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it appears to us, +that people possessing the ordinary attributes of sane Christians, +should so readily advise others to attempt, or do, that from which +_they_ would instinctively recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers +might have been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites +towards preserving the unity of her little and precious family, than +thus savagely advising its disbanding. + +Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very expensive, and +circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. But the widow took a paper, +a family, weekly journal; and while casting her vacant eye over the +columns, at the close of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for +the bread her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention +was called to an advertisement, as follows: + + "A Housekeeper Wanted.--An elderly gentleman desires a middle-aged, + pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious American woman, to take + charge and conduct the domestic affairs of his household. A + reasonable compensation allowed. Good reference required, _the + applicant to have no incumbrances_. Apply at this office, for the + address, &c." + +The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features of the widow, as +she glanced over the advertisement, was dimmed and darkened, as the +shining river of summer is shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she +came to the chilling words--_the applicant to have no incumbrances_. + +"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but God deign to smile +or have mercy on the helpless orphans; are they to be feared, shunned, +hated, because helpless? Must they perish--die with me +alone--struggling against our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know +there is a God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts +of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though basilisk-like words +warn me to hope not, I will apply--I will attempt to win attention, +work, slave, toil, toil, toil, until my poor hands shall wear to the +bone, and my eyes no longer do their office--if he will only have mercy, +pity for my poor, poor orphans--God bless them!" and in melting +tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her face upon her lap and +wept--her tears were the showers of hope, to the almost parched soil of +her heart, and as the gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell +the widow's tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter +something--in the future. + +It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the poor woman put +on her bonnet and shawl, and started at once for the office of the +_news_paper. The publisher was just closing his sanctum, but he gave the +information the widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs. +Glenn's appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated her +on various points of her present condition, prospects, &c.; and +observed, that but for her children, he had no doubt of the widow's +suiting the old man exactly. + +"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from honest industry, +because of thy responsibilities, which God hath given thee," said the +quaker. "If thy lad is stout of his age, and a good boy, I will provide +for him; he may learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may +be enabled to keep thy two female children about thee." + +On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention of writing a +few lines as an applicant for the situation of housekeeper, and +afterwards to consult with the publisher in regard to her boy, Martin, +and then bidding the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble +domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried from her +distressed and lonely home. + +In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad and beautiful +Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion; but few of this class now +remain in Philadelphia, and the one of which we now speak, but recently +passed away, in the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850. +In this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the wealthy +and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was very wealthy, very +eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate, plethoric, gouty, and +seventy years of age. Mr. Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he +had been so engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to +forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable appendage +to a man's comfort in this world--a wife. He was the next ten years +considering the matter over, and then, having built and furnished +himself a costly mansion, which he peopled with servants, headed by a +maiden sister as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole--to which his +sister added her strong consent--that matrimony would greatly increase +his cares, and perhaps add more _noise_ and confusion to his household, +than it might counterbalance or offset by probable comfort in "wedded +happiness," so temptingly set forth to old bachelors. + +"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off my single +blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough, there's women enough; +I'm young, hale, hearty, in the prime of life; no, I'll not give up the +ship to woman yet." + +Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up in the retired +merchant's mind again--he was now sixty, and one, at least, of the +objections to his entering the wedded state, removed--for a man at sixty +is scarcely too young to marry, surely. + +"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now. I've had my own +way so long, I could not think of surrendering to petticoats, turning +my house into a nursery, and turning my back on the joys, quiet and +comforts of bachelorhood. No, no, Job Carson--matrimony be hanged. +You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed--now age and luxury do +their work. + +"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. _O_, there it is again--hang the +goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm getting the gout. +Blockhead--none of my kith or kin ever had such an infernal complaint. +O, ah-h-h, that infernal window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain +in the back, and--Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger--Banquo-o-o!" + +"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black and +sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning face into the old +gentleman's study, sitting, playing or smoking room. + +"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here; go to Jackplane, the +carpenter, and tell him to come here and make my sashes tight, d'ye +hear?" + +"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off." + +"No, you ain't--come here, Banquo, you woolly son of Congo, you; go open +my liquor case, bring the brandy and some cool water. There, now clear +yourself." + +"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time--" + +"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes, and tell him I send +my compliments to him, and if he wants to continue that game of chess, +let him come over this afternoon, d'ye hear?" + +"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time--_shuah!_" + +"Well, away with you." + +Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman. He had survived +nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his sister had paid the last debt +of nature some months before, and in hopes of finding some one to fill +her station, in his domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared +in the _Weekly Bulletin_. + +"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the old gent over +his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived everybody, everything +useful to me. Made a fortune _first_, nobody to spend it _last_. Yes, +yes," continued the old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson +will soon slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may +say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a hard scrabble +to get together these things, and now, we'll pick his bones.' Well, let +'em, let 'em; serves me right; ought to have known it before, but blast +and rot 'em, if they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the +struggles to keep it together, why, a--it will be about an even thing +with us, after all." + +"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting his black bullet +pate in at the door. + +"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself--no, come back; go down to Oatmeal's +store, and tell him to let old Mrs. Dougherty, and the old blind man, +and the sailor's wife, and--and--the rest of them, have their groceries, +again, this week--only another week, mind, for I'm not going to support +the whole neighborhood any longer--tell him so." + +"Yis, massa, I'se gone." + +"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind--clear out." + +But Banquo returned in a moment, saying: + +"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see you, sah, 'bout +'ticlar business, sah." + +"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down--ah-h, that +infernal _twinge_ again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a stupid ass a man is to +hang around in this world until he's a nuisance to himself and every +body else!" grunted old Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into +the parlor. + +"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the widow, who, in +the utmost taste of simple neatness, had arranged her spare dress, to +meet the umpire of her future fate. + +Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and at once opened +her business to the bluff old man. + +"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm nothing, nobody, +any more. I want somebody to see that I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and +that I may have a bed to lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back +occasionally, and a--that's all I want, ma'am." + +The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a housekeeper, and +situated as she was, it was a labor of love to work--toil, for those +misfortune had placed in her charge. + +"Eh? what's that--haven't got _incumbrances_, have you, ma'am?" + +"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow. + +"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman; "ah, umph, what +business have you, ma'am, with three children?" + +[Illustration: "Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman. +"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three +children?"--_Page_ 393.] + +The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser, the old gentleman +continued: + +"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business with +_incumbrances_, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am, for 'em." + +"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too--too much inclined to +reason; but I shall trust to the mercy and providence of the Lord, if +denied the kind feelings of mortals." + +"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am; but too many +poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a scrape, then depend upon the +Lord to help 'em out. This shifting the responsibility to the shoulders +of the Lord isn't right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half +he's asked to do, ma'am." + +"Well, sir, I thought I would _call_, though I feared my children would +be an objection to--" + +"Yes, yes,--I don't want incumbrances, ma'am." + +"But I--I a--"--the widow's heart was too full for utterance; she moved +towards the door. "Good morning, sir." + +"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity--you've no business, +ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances, when you haven't got any +visible means of support. Now, if you only had one, one incumbrance--and +that you'd no business to have"--said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an +antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent grains of +titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his proboscis, "if you had only +_one_ incumbrance--but you've got a house full, ma'am." + +"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn. + +"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't be a poor woman with +two--no, with one incumbrance at my petticoat tails--for the biggest +ship and cargo old Steve Girard ever owned, ma'am." + +"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with the printer, sir; he +has offered to take my poor boy." + +"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent, applying the +dust, and manipulating his box. "How old? Eldest thirteen, eh?--boy +eleven, and the youngest seven, eh?" and working a traverse, or solving +some problematic point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning +gown, and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind, he +stopped--fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing a ten dollar +note in the widow's hand, he said: + +"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but to-morrow +morning, if you have time, from other and more important business, call +in, bring your children with you; good morning, ma'am--Banquo!" + +"Yis, sah; I'se heah." + +"Show the lady out--good morning, ma'am, good morning." + +"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing his walk; "she's +plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant; if she only hadn't that +raft of _incumbrances_; what do these people have incumbrances for, +anyway?--" + +"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo. + +"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat for the lady; yes, +ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I advertised for one. How many +servants do I keep? Well, ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have +visitors? Of course I have. What and where are _my rooms_? Why, madam, I +own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go to bed, and get up, and +go round; come in and out, when I feel like it. What church do I worship +in? I've assisted in _building_ a number, own a half of one, and a third +of several; but, ma'am, between you and I--I don't want to be rude to a +lady, ma'am, but I _do_ think, this examination ain't to my liking--you +don't think the place would suit you, eh? Well, I think _your ladyship_ +wouldn't suit _me_, ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said +old Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and acrimonious +dame, who, returning the old gentleman's _bow_ with the same "high +pressure" order, seized her skirts in one hand, and agitating her fan +with the other, she stepped out, or _finikined_ along to the hall door, +and as Banquo flew around, and put on the _extras_ to let her ladyship +out, she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and looking +crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the steps and +disappeared. + +"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please--of'n!" said the pouting +negro. + +"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering in a rather +ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home daughter of the "gim o' the +sae." The old gentleman eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his +snuff-box, he answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if _he_ was the +gintleman wanting the housekeeper. + +"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?" + +"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord, was saying till +us--" + +"Are you married, too?" + +"Married _two_? Do I look like a woman as would marry two? No, _sur_; +I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my +husband, sur; he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was _sun +sthruck_, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur." + +"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband--one dollar, +there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good morning, ma'am. Banquo, +show the good woman to the door." + +"But, sur, I want the place!" + +"I don't want _you_--good morning." + +"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman to the hall. + +"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid." + +"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, _go!_" roared the old gent. + +"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said--says he--who the divil you +push'n, you black nager?" said the woman, grabbing Banquo's woolly +top-knot. + +"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards the door. + +"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur--" + +"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs. Geaughey, while +his master was gesticulating furiously to keep on _crowding_ her. +Finally, Banquo vanquished the Irish woman, and received orders from his +master to admit no more applicants--the place was filled. + +That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes--a retired merchant and +ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the habit of exchanging +visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy and water, talking over old times +and playing chess--came to finish a litigated game, and Job and he +discussed the matter of taking care of the widow and children of the +dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the second +interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her children, proved +satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take them in; if found more than +Job could attend to-- + +"Why a--I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes. + +Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared at the door of +Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full of pleasant anticipations, ushered +them into the retired merchant's presence. + +It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave the group, +that the battle was more than half won. + +"Fine boy, that; come here, sir--eleven years of age, eh? Your name's +Martin--Martin Glenn, eh? Well, Martin, my lad, you've got a big world +before you--a fussing, fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth +the powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your position in +the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they are; but you may make a +good man; if the world don't benefit you, why a--you can benefit it; +that's the way I've done--been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it, +neither," said the old man, with evident emotion. + +"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown girl for your age, +surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable of 'keeping house,' too; you've +got a world before you, too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a +world full of deceit and _misery_--look at your mother, look at me! Ah, +well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these--these +_incumbrances_, and mine, poor devil--for not having 'em. Cynthia, +you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know. Ah, here's mamma's pet, I +suppose; Rose Glenn, very pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty. +Lips and cheeks like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds. +Ma'am, you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass to +call these _incumbrances_. They are jewels of inestimable value. What's +my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents, houses, goods and chattels, +that fire may destroy, and thieves steal--to these blessings that--that +God has given the lone widow to strengthen her--cheer her in the dark +path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it now, plainer +than I ever did before. Banquo!" + +"Yis'r, I'se here, massa." + +"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately; tell Captain +Winepipes to come over--I want to see him. I'm going to make a fool of +myself, I believe." + +"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I guess dere's suffin gwoin to happen to +dat lady and dem chil'ns--shuah!" said Banquo, rushing out of the house. + +The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job Carson +proposed--and the widow, of course, consented--that Martin Glenn should +become the adopted son of the old gentleman, Job Carson; and that he +should choose a trade or profession, which he should then, or later, +learn, making the old gentleman's house as much his home as +circumstances would permit; the two girls were to remain under the same +roof with the mother, who was at once installed as housekeeper for the +bluff and generous old gentleman. + +Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement, to wit: +that both girls should be educated at his expense, which was finally +acceded to, adding, that in case he--Captain Joseph Winepipes--should +live to see Rose Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and +give her a dowry. + +"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said Job, "and that I, +Job Carson, do agree, should I live to see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give +her a comfortable start in the world--set that down, for I will do it, +yes, I will," said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box. + + * * * * * + +Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the debt of nature; he +did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife; but, nevertheless, he left a +clause in his will, that fully carried out his expressed intentions when +Rose did marry, some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet +seventeen. Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing office, and +very recently filled one of the most important stations in the judiciary +of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous part in the recent war with Mexico. +Cynthia was wedded to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an +event that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to, donated +a sum, quite munificent, towards making things agreeable in the progress +of her married life. Widow Glenn remained a faithful servant and friend +to the old merchant, and, upon his death, she became heir to the family +mansion, and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large +bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes, but +the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son, Martin, who proved not +unworthy of his good fortune. Banquo ended his days in the service of +the widow, who had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle +that conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in guise +of a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT. + + + + +Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life. + + +We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no +disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have +little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty, +make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences, as +though it was "against the law" to be poor. It is the cause of +incalculable human misery, to _seem_ what we are _not_; to appear beyond +_want_--yea, even in affluence and comfort, when the belly is robbed to +clothe the back--the inner man crucified to make the outside _lie_ you +through the world, or into--genteel "society." This, though abominable, +is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs, crime and fun, in +this old world that we temporarily inhabit. + +Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and diverting--and +certainly none the less instructive garb--than to hunt up misery, and +depict the woeful tragics of our existence, we will give the facts of a +case--not uncommon, we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of +one of the parties. + +In most cities--especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and Washington, are +any quantity of decayed families; widows and orphans of men--who, while +blessed with oxygen and hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and +active--held offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled +them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high heads, and go +into what is called "good society;" meaning of course where good +furniture garnishes good finished domiciles, good carpets, good rents, +good dinners, and where good clothes are exhibited--but where good +intentions, good manners and morals are mostly of no great importance. +As, in most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident, the head +of the family collapses, or dies,--the reckless regard for society +having led to the squandering of the income, fast or faster than it +came, the poor family is driven by the same society, so coveted, to hide +away--move off, and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is +capable, work their way through the world, under tissues of false +pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a family we have in +view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative office under government, in the +city of Washington. Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died. +There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies having always +cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital--which society, let us +tell you, is of the most fluctuating, tin-foil and ephemeral character; +it was by some considered strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had +been decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale of +their most expensive furniture--the horses, carriage, and man-servant +disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized society that they were going +north, to reside upon an estate of the Colonel's in New York. And so +they vanished. Whither they went or how they fared society did not know, +and society did not care! + +Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest twenty-three, +_confessedly_, and the youngest, the son, seventeen. Marriages, in such +society, floating and changing as it does in Washington, are not +frequent, and less happy or prosperous when effected; every body, +inclined to become acquainted, or form matrimonial connections, are ever +on the alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and under +such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice Somebody--though a +pretty girl--talented, as the world goes, highly educated, too, as many +hundreds beside her, was still a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was, +Mrs. Somebody was a woman of experience in the world--indeed, a dozen +years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very definite +ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as the means were cut off +to live in their usual style and expensiveness--Mrs. Somebody packed up +and retired to Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a +store--the daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted +to--as a matter of _diversion_--they could not think of earning a +living, of course!--the needle--while Mrs. Somebody arranged a pair of +neat apartments, for two "gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as +boarders. + +During their palmy days at the capital of the nation, Miss Alice +Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman named Rhapsody,--of +pleasant and respectable demeanor, _an office-holder_, but not high up +enough to suit the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady; and +so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for favor or +preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he was a recognized +visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed to make an impression upon +the heart's affections of the Colonel's daughter. + +Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in the fates and +fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted. Nor was our friend Rhapsody +without his changes,--mutations of fortune, a change of government, made +changes. Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified to +find his "services no longer required," as a new hand was awaiting his +withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to custom at the capital--lived up to and +ahead of his salary; and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his +exit from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect or +personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and without patronage or +position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily he had a trade), was a boot-maker. +Start not, reader, at the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency +to shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has been sadly +neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody was but a boot-maker, and no +doubt quite as gentlemanly--physically and mentally considered, as the +many thousands who merely _wear_ boots, for the luxury of which they are +indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody came down +gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his level, only changing the scene +of his endeavors to the city of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings--pride. +He sought obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors of +his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water, and await that +tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he might again be drifted to +fortune and favor. + +Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose late--took +breakfast, read the news--smoked--lounged--dressed, and went through the +ordinary evolutions of a gentleman of leisure, until he dined at 3 P. +M.; then, by a circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop--put on his +working attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when, having +accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed--walked to his +hotel--talked politics--fashions, etc., took his glass of wine with a +friend, and very quietly retired; to rise on the morrow, and go through +the same routine from day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to +an eligible marriage, or a place. + +Rhapsody--we must give him the credit of the fact--from no mawkish +feeling of his own, but from force of public opinion, resorted to this +secret manner of eking out his daily bread, and acting out his part of +the fictitious gentleman. During one of his morning +lounges--accidentally, Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They +had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome to +conceive, that Miss Alice--under the new order of things--was more +pleased than otherwise to renew the acquaintance of other days, with a +gentleman still supposed to be--and his attire and manner surely gave +no sign of an altered state of affairs--in a position recognizable by +society. + +Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family, and Miss Alice +in particular--with fervor. He admitted himself no longer an _attache_ +of government, but offset the deprivation of government patronage, by +asserting that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than the +drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship--he was studying political +economy, and the learned profession of the law! + +The Somebodies were _game_; not a concession would they make to stern +indigence; it was merely for the sake of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody, +and the solace of retirement from the gay and tempestuous whirls of +society, that _we_ changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic +show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of substance. He knew how +easy it was to account for the expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a +year, but it did not so readily appear possible for a man holding the +Colonel's place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor, +without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless, _somebody_, +and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt upon it, the more he absorbed +the idea of forming an alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the +favor with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as +desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or gossamer +projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine friend, Rhapsody, we +know not; but that he whacked away more cheerily at his trade, and kept +up his appearances spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and +artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it to the +satisfaction of his employers. + +The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in the characters +of the two young women, particularly commendatory to Rhapsody; he +seldom paid them a morning or afternoon call, that they were not +diligently engaged with needles and Berlin wool--fashioning wrought +suspenders for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister, or +the Rev. Mr. So-and-So--the recently made inmate of the family. The +multiplicity of such performances, for brother, mother, sister, the +reverend gentleman--_mere pastime_, as Mrs. Somebody would remark,--most +probably would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of many +adventurous _Lotharios_; but Rhapsody, though, as we see, a man of the +world, had something yet to learn of society and its complexities. +Things progressed smoothly--the reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled +Miss Alice and the mother upon the issue of coming events--the lively +young lawyer, etc., etc.,--and it seemed to be a settled matter that +Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody at last. + +Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his laboring garments, +made his return of work and received more. Whilst thus out, one evening, +on business, in making a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon +Mrs. Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down a cellar--into +a shop--up an alley, or sunk through the footwalk, had any such +opportunity offered, but there was none--he was there--beneath the flame +of a street lamp, with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off +from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy! + +He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy and turbulent +ward--apprehended a disturbance--donned those shady habiliments, and the +large green bag in his hand, that a--well, though it did not seem to +contain such goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books +and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the caucus! +Rhapsody got through--it was a tight shave; he dexterously declined +accompanying the ladies home--they were rather queerly attired +themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody; they made some excuse for their +appearance, and so the maskers _quit, even_. Time passed on--Alice and +Rhapsody had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of an hymenial +conclusion, when another _contretemps_ came to pass--it was the grand +finale. + +It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in haste, sought the +shop of his employer; he had work in hand which, being ordered done at a +certain hour, for an anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His +green bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,--the servant of the +customer was awaiting the arrival of the _bottier_ and his master's +boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's verdant-colored satchel, +and out came the boots, and which underwent many critical inspections, +eliciting sundry professional remarks from the shopman, to our hero, +Rhapsody, who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the +more humble name of _Mr. Jones_, in the shop. The customer's servant +stood by the counter--fencing off a lady, further on--from immediate +notice of Rhapsody. A side glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens +of most elegantly-wrought slippers--the boss of the shop, and the lady, +were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered articles; the +lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody and the garrulous shopman, turned +toward the poor fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into +the green bag--their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish sensation +peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a shower bath, during his +first _douse_, or the incipient criminal detected in his initiatory +crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody, +without the nerve to gather up her work, or withstand a further test of +the force of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red +as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at least to all +but Rhapsody. + + * * * * * + +Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning--a servant announced a +gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview with Mr. Rhapsody--it +was granted, and soon _Jones_, the _boot-maker_, confronted the Rev. Mr. +So-and-So. Though an inclination to _smile_ played about the pleasant +features of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon what he +called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that gentleman patiently +hearing the story out, quietly asked: + +"Are you, sir, here as an accuser--denouncer, or an ambassador of peace +and good will?" + +"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the reverend +gentleman. + +"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary concessions--a +clean breast of it, you may say. I am in a false position--struggling +against public opinion--false pride--falsely, and yet honestly, working +my way through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally, than _Jones, +the boot-maker_. Now," continued Rhapsody, "if a false purpose covers +not a false heart also, I can yet be happy in the affections of Miss +Somebody, and she in mine. For those who can battle as we have, against +the common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity, may +surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation and support, our +fortunes joined." + +"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend gentleman, "in +your character, if I was in your occupation; and you may rely upon my +friendly service in an amicable and definite arrangement of this very +delicate matter." + + * * * * * + +When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our friend Rhapsody was +reinstated in his place, occupied years before, and by fortuitous +circumstances he got still higher--an appointment of trust connected +with a handsome salary; so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to +re-enter the Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the +national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously driven by +the death of the husband and father. Mrs. Somebody, that was, however, +is now a much older and much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial +friend, who vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's +repugnance to leather--and for sundry quibbles--yea, strong arguments +against any blood of hers ever uniting with the fates and fortunes of a +boot-maker; with what _propriety_, her experience has long since taught +her. Alice is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children, the +wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public opinion forced him to +mask the means that gave him bread. Rhapsody is no longer a politician, +or office-holder, but engaged in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort +and position in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of +"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's standing jokes, +to friends at the fireside and dinner table; but that such a safe and +happy tableau would again befall parties so circumstanced, is a very +material question; and the moral of our story, being rather complex, +though very definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to +determine. + + + + +A Distinction with a Difference. + + +A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas +day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott, +"Got any Psalms here?" + +"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a +moment's pause, and handing down a copy of Hood, "here's plenty of old +Joe's!" + +The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at _the pictures_, and with a +countenance indicative of having been tasting a crab-apple--left! + + + + +Pills and Persimmons. + + +I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather +addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New +Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for +hardware, wrote his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the +captain of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor got +him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the hurry, the old +man dashed off his _P. S._, but upon attempting to read the whole order +over, he couldn't make head or tail of it. + +"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is; they are +better scholars in England than I am--_they'll make it out_." + +Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over, among the rest of +the stuff were the so many kegs of nails, but upon opening one of these +kegs, it was full, or nearly so, of American quarter dollars. The old +man roared out in a [word missing]. + +"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if _they_ ain't scholars, +fust-rate scholars, in England; _it's worth while sending 'em bad +manuscript_." + +A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial +transaction that actually took place within a year or two, between +parties severally situated in Boston and the city of San Francisco, +California. As we consider the whole transaction rather _rich_, we +transcribe it for the diversion it may furnish. + +Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a shop in San +Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending all sorts of cheap +clothing, and making, on the same, more money than a horse could pull; +and in his package, he was in the habit of sending articles for friends, +&c. A gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston, +acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found, upon looking +around San Francisco, that his own business, _lawing_, wasn't worth two +cents, as many of his craft were turning their attention to matters more +useful to the human family--digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving +teams, &c. So lawyer Bunker _turned_ his attention from Blackstone, +Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red, blue-black +law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums. Bunker found that the great +appetite we Yankees have for quack medicines, pills and powders, +suffered no diminution in the gold country; on the contrary, the +appetite became rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found +that a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted, was absolutely +making his fortune, by the manufacture of dough pills, spiced with +coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel. + +"Egad!" says Bunker, "_I'll_ go into medicine. I'll write to a friend in +Boston, to send me _out_ a few medicine and receipt books, and a lot of +pulverized liquorice, quinine, &c., with a pill machine, and I guess +I'll be after my New York butchering friend in a double brace of +shakes." + +Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he wrote a +first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of being able to equal, +if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the +scratchings of a poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering +over foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the marks of +a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of ye ancient Egyptians! +In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript was awful; a few of his most +intimate friends, only, pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to +one of these friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle +Sam's mail _poche_, and in fever heat he awaits the return of the +precious combustibles that were to make his fortune. In course of time, +Bunker's friends receive the order, but, alas! it was all Greek to them; +they cyphered in vain, to make out any thing in the letters except +_persimmons_. + +"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does Joe want with +persimmons?" + +They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking the final +sentence, "_send, without delay, persimmons_." + +"Persimmons?" said one. + +"Persimmons?" echoed another. + +"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want with _persimmons_?" +responded a third. + +"Persimmons!" all three chimed. + +"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow." + +"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that," responded +another. + +"Persimmons are not medicinal." + +"They are not chemical." + +"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science, law, or +religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor at law, want us to +forward, without delay, _persimmons_?" + +Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's letter was very +brief, strictly to the point, and that point was--_persimmons!_ In the +first place, it is not everybody that knows exactly what persimmons are, +where they come from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's +friends had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred to him +that possums, and some human beings, especially the colored pop'lation, +were the only critters particularly fond of the fruit. Webster was +consulted, to see what light he cast upon the matter: he informed them +that "_Persimmon_ was a tree, and its fruit, a species of _Diospyros_, a +native of the States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when not +ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe, luscious and +highly nutritious." + +"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet Joe's sick; +persimmons have been prescribed for his cure, and the sooner we send the +persimmons the better!" + +"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the man who had a faint +idea of what persimmons were, "they make beer, first-rate beer of +persimmons, in the South, and it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going +into persimmon beer business; as you say, he _may be_ sick--persimmon +beer may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward the +persimmons without delay!" + +Now persimmons never ripen until _touched_ pretty smartly with Jack +Frost. This was in September; persimmons were mostly full grown, but not +ripe. A large keg of them was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams +& Co.'s great Express to San Francisco could take them out, _the +persimmons went!_ + +Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward without delay the +tools and remedial agents to make his fortune in the pill business, went +to work, got him an office, changed his name, and added an M. D. to it, +had a sign painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that on +such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all ills, from lumbago +to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw, spring fever to yaller +janders, and in his enthusiasm, he sat down with a ream of paper, to +count up the profits, and calculate the time it would take to get his +pile of gold dust and start for home. + +The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open, and he found +customers began to _call_, and sure enough, in comes a large keg, direct +through from the States, to his address; the freight bill on it was +pretty considerable, but Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that +now he was all right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the +lumbago, or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of human +woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out. He closed his door, +opened his cask-- + +"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?" was the first +_burst_, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and seeing, nicely packed, the +green and purple, round and glossy--he couldn't tell what. + +"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be _pills_--smell queer--some +mistake--can't be any mistake--my name on the cask--(tastes one of the +'article')--O! by thunder! (tastes again)--I'm blasted, they (tastes +again) are, by Jove, _persimmons!_ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he! +ha! ha! ha!" + +And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew livid in the +face. + +"I see--ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every line I wrote them, +except the last, and that--ha! ha! ha!--for my direction to send out my +stuff _per Simmons_, they send me PERSIMMONS! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!" + +But, after enjoying the _fun_ of the matter, ex-counsellor Bunker +discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at; _patients_ were at the +door--if he did not soon prescribe for their cases, his now numerous +creditors would prescribe for him! What was to be done? Very dull and +prosy people often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful +degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact applied to +ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was there to better his fortune, +and he felt bound to do it, persimmons or no persimmons. It occurred to +him, as those infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought to +_bring in_ something. By the aid of starch and sugar, Doctor +Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the smallest persimmons into +_pills_--sugar-coated pills--warranted to cure about all the ills flesh +was heir to, at $2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a +full-grown person, and as the patient left with a countenance much +"puckered up," and rarely returned, the _pseudo_ M. D. concluded there +was virtue in persimmon pills, and so, after disposing of his stock to +first-rate advantage, the doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill +trade, he _vamosed the ranche_ with about funds enough to reach home, +and explain to his friends the difference between _per_ Simmons and +_persimmons!_ + + + + +Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor. + + +A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a +very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the +"Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would +be to an invalid. It may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's +name in print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial +columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues scanning and +pronouncing it every day, or week--hundreds and thousands of the fair +sex wondering whether he is a young or an old man, a married man or a +bachelor; while the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of +his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, Puseyite, or +Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or Baptist; and the politicians +scanning his views, to discover whether he _leans_ toward the +_Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or Whigs_--all being necessarily much +mystified, inasmuch as the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to +study, and most vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning +diplomatist--stroke every body's hair with the _grain!_ + + + + +The Tribulations of Incivility. + + +"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?" + +"Collins?" was the response. + +"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the hardy-looking, +bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, flippant-mannered, be-whiskered +man of vast importance, presiding over the affairs of one of our +"first-class hotels." + +"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager. + +"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a gentleman who came +out passenger with us some time ago; he left it in Bremen--wanted me to +fetch it out when the ship returned--here it is." + +"What do you want to leave it here for? We know nothing about the man, +sir." + +"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put up here, and told +me he'd be around when we got into port again. He was a deuced clever +fellow, and you ought to have kept the reckoning of such a man," said +the seaman. + +"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of the hotel, "that +they are no novelties, sir." + +"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate some of them, for +there's no danger of the world's getting crowded with a crew of good +men." + +"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, sir, but we +want none of your impertinence!" + +"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of your craft; if +you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that my friend Collins is +piped up, or that this package be stowed away where he could come afoul +of it. His name is Collins; here it is in black and white, on the +parcel, and here's where I was to drop it." + +One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, whispered his +dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English gentleman, late from +Bremen, was in the house, whereupon the dignified empressario, turning +to the self-possessed man of the sea, said-- + +"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we _suppose_ it's +correct." + +"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see that the gentleman +gets it; and I say," says the sailor, pushing back his hat and giving +his breeches a regular sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the +gentleman, Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the +Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure." + +But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman hardly +attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's message, and Mr. Brace, +first officer of the Triton, bore away, muttering to himself-- + +"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like to have that +powder monkey in my watch about a week--I'd have him down by the lifts +and braces!" + +Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October, when the +myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending their way from the +chilly north towards the sunny south, when the invalid seeks the tropics +in pursuit of his health, and the speculative man of business returns +with his "invoices," to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the +way. + +We are on board ship--the Triton ploughing the deep blue waters of the +ocean track from Sandy Hook to New Orleans; for October, the weather is +rather unruly, _damp_, and boisterous. We perceive a number of +passengers on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person or +two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the "first-class +hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed and pompous on +board the heaving and tossing ship as he did behind his marble slab in +"the office." "The sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the +starch out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time. +And from an overheard conversation between two hardy, noble specimens of +men that are men--two officers of the stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort +of the be-whiskered gentleman is in danger of a commutation. + +"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?" + +"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut of his jib coming +aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and I've got to travel together, and +we'll settle a little odd reckoning, if you please, or if you don't +please, afore we see the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack +hotel in York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced good +fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey, loblolly-looking swab, +puts on his airs, sticks up his nose, and hardly condescends to exchange +signals with me. Ha! ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take +the tail feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same hardy, +frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already formed something +of a brief acquaintance. The person to whom Brace was addressing himself +was the second officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that +whatever nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things uneasy for +Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class hotel," was to be +done, by mutual management of the two salt-water jokers. + +"It appears to me, that a--bless me, sir, a--how this ship rolls!" said +Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing Mr. Brace; "I--a never saw a +ship roll so." + +"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what we'll catch before a +week's out." + +"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops, balancing +himself on first one leg and then the other. + +"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta any time than +go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast than are lost anywhere +else on the four seas." + +"You don't say so!" said Lollypops. + +"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging private and +mysterious signals with the second officer, who held the wheel. + +"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr. Brown did let her up, +and the way the Triton took head down and heels up and a roll to +windward, did not speak so well for the nautical _menage_ of the +officers as it did for the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers. +The avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors look +quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient voyager or two, and +sundry other travelling gentry--very suddenly into the cabin. The next +day the same performance followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck +was a signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double _roll_ on the +ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and reefs, dangerous +points and dreadful currents were descanted upon, until Mr. Lollypops' +health, at the end of the first week, was no better fast; in fact, he +was getting sick of the voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A +fine morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk the +decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders to wash down the +decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, _ergo_, as far as the main top; +immediately the first officer had the men "going about," heaving here +and letting go there; in short, so endangering the hat and underpinning +of the be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was fain +to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl into the cabin, +damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted with what he had seen of the +sea! Accidentally, one afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or +other, the careless sailor who held it, or should have held it--"let go +all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood; the +result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown and other +equipments--ruined eternally! Going into the cabin, Lollypops inquires +for the Captain-- + +"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am, Sir; look at +me, only look at me! In rough weather we do not expect pleasant times at +sea, but, Sir, ever since I have been on board, Sir, your infernal +officers, Sir, have thrown this ship into all manner of unpleasant +situations, kept the decks wet, rattled chains over my berth, +wang-banged the rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all +over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not all the +result of accident--it's premeditated rascality!" + +"Sir"--says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis, "my name's +Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in New York, you rather put on +_airs_, and I said if you and I ever got to sea together--we'd have a +_blow_ out. Now we're about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter +square--" + +"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!" says +Lollypops. + +"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run to Orleans!" +continued officer Brace. + +Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got over his anger, +vowed to look deeper into character, and never again rebuff honest +manliness, though hid under the coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A +hearty laugh closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination +attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for a finer, drier +craft never danced over the ocean wave, than that good ship, under +_rational_ management. + + + + +The Broomstick Marriage. + + +"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and +calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty +lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A +certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant +temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was "laid up," over +winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee county. Having nearly +exhausted his private stock of jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life +and liveliness of the season, he bethought him how he should create a +little _stir_, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor, who +had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by his rather _taking_ +person and manners, cut something of a swath in the community, and +especially amongst the _calico!_ + +The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access to private society +that ordinary circumstances did not vouch to most men. Among the many +families with which Dr. Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of +old Capt. Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his hale +old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude of +agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering salt, whimsical, but +generous and social, as old sailors most generally are. He was supposed +to be in easy circumstances, but _how_ easy, very few knew. + +Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters, one +married and "settled," the other two at home; an ancient colored woman, +who had served in the Captain's family,--ship and shore--a lifetime. +Dinah and old Sam, her husband, with two or three farm-laborers, +constituted the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter, the +old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but that not being +warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of attachment, he ever called his +daughter, Betsy, and so she was called by _almost_ everybody at all +familiar with the family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject, +by name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of +four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful. She +was useful, and even ornamental in her old father's eyes, and, as he was +wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten salt-water _linguæ_-- + +"Betsy was a _craft_, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted +craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut, Baltimore clipper, +fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees! Betsy is a _woman_; her mother was +just like her when I fell in with her, and it wasn't long afore I +chartered her for a life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman +slip her cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,' when +he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command, is not a +_man_, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!" + +Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt. Figgles, there was an +intimacy of some years' standing, but the old Captain and the young +Captain didn't exactly "hitch horses"--whether it was because Capt. T. +came under the old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked +upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not. + +Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so sort of business +sociality, though both the junior Captain and the Doctor were intimate +enough with both the Miss Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was +about to leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of old +Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical joke, or +have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a yarn for the season, on his +boat. + +The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the Doctor and Captain +were among the invited guests, of course, and for some hours the +assembled party had indeed as grand a good time generally as usually +falls to the lot of a country community. Old black Ebenezer--but whose +name had also been cut down for convenience sake to _Sam_, by the old +Captain--did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle, which, aided by a +youngster on the triangle and another on the tambourine, formed quite "a +full band" for the occasion, and dancing was done up in style! + +As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the programme, +somebody proposed games of this and games of that, and while old Capt. +Figgles was as busy as "a flea in a tar bucket"--to use the old +gentleman's simile--fulminating and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg +flip for the entire party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of +paired off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss Figgleses, +to get up their own game. + +"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy, Doctor, and I'll +pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter of Capt. F.), and now what +say you? Let's make up a wedding-party--_let's jump the broomstick!_" + +"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?" + +"I'll be parson," says Capt. T. + +"Well, get your book." + +"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of current Scripture into +the _pseudo_ parson's hands. + +"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt. Tiller, assuming +quite the air and grace of the parson. + +Bridesmaids, grooms, &c., were soon arranged in due order, and the +interesting ceremony of joining hands and hearts in one happy bond of +mutual and indissoluble (slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was +progressing. + +"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting the old man, now +busy concocting his grog for all hands. + +"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old gentleman; "haven't +you common decency to see when a man's engaged in a _calculation_ he +oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?" + +"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber, who, in fact, +was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss Betsy, and had had a slight +inkling of a fact that by the law of the State anybody could marry a +couple, and the marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as +though performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young folks +"in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief. + +"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles. + +"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain. + +"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout," said the +old gent. + +"But don't you know, Cap'n----" + +"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited Captain. "Bear away +out of here," he continued, beginning to get down the glasses from the +corner-cupboard shelves, "unless--but stop! hold on! here, take this +waiter, Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to stand +by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts and braces, dry as +powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all hands--ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the +old Captain; "bear up, the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't +nobody stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral--come up and try +Capt. Figgles's grog!" + +And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the _le'ard_, +sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping bowl he knew he was +"in for" from the hands of his indulgent old master. + +In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour, and the bride +and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the rest of the company as +happily together as turtle-doves in a clover-patch. The evening's +entertainment wound up with an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting +ended. Dr. Mutandis lived some five miles distant, and having a call to +make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M. concluded to +stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was leaving, he took occasion to +whisper into the ear of his medical friend-- + +"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if you did but +know it--fast as a church! Good time to you and Betsy!" + +"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me, since I come to +think it over, that the laws of this State do privilege anybody to marry +a couple! By thunder! it would be a fine spot of work for me if I was +held to the ceremony by Miss Figgles!" + +But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast, he +departed upon his business. He had no sooner entered the house of his +patient, than he was wished much joy and congratulated upon the +_fatness_ and jolly good nature of his bride! + +"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair. It's all a +hoax--a mere bit of fun!" + +"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?--you call getting married _fun_?" + +"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's; there was a +quilting and sort of a frolic going on----" + +"Yes, we heard of it." + +"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt. Tiller +proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and I stood up, and +Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had some sport." + +"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house), "Capt. Tiller has got +you into a tight place, Doctor; he's been around, laughing at the trick +he's played you, as perhaps you were not aware of the fact that by the +law you are now just as legally and surely married as though the knot +was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!" + +"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged Doctor. "He's a +scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!" + +"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object, and her +father is willing and satisfied with the match as it is, I don't see, +Doctor, that you need mind the matter." + +"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor. + +"You were never previously married, were you?" says the farmer. + +"No, sir," replied the Doctor. + +"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator. + +"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly as increasing +my responsibilities to society!" + +"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate you upon this +very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable joke, for Capt. Figgles +is worth nearly a quarter of a million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy +is no gaudy butterfly, but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may +be proud of as your wife." + +"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go back to the +Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the pardon of Miss Figgles and +her father, and terminate this unpleasant farce." + +The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon they were at +Capt. Figgles's door. + +"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse I _can_ offer for +the fool I've made of myself, through that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but, +sir----" + +"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor broad in the face, +"I've got wind of the whole affair; now ease off your palaver. You've +married my daughter Betsy, in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a +Commodore, and all I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if +you don't want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey +for the rest of your natural life." + +"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir." + +"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say you--are you +willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or not? Hold up your head, my +gal--speak out!" + +"Yes--_I'm agreed, if he is_," said she. + +"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to the Doctor), to +make all right and tight, I here give you, in presence of the 'Squire, +my favorite daughter Betsy, and one of the best farms in the State of +New York. Are you satisfied, Doctor?" + +"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter a happy woman!" +returned the Doctor, and he did; he became the founder of a large +family, and one of the wealthiest men in the State. + +Rather pleased, finally, with the _joke_, the Doctor managed to turn it +upon the Captain, who in due course of law was arrested upon the charge +of illegally personating a parson, and marrying a couple without a +license! He was fined fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus +caused to laugh on the wrong side of his mouth. + + + + +Appearances are Deceitful. + + +There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to +the character and standing of persons, as judged by their dress and +other outward signs. It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone +of voice, are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the +present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt address, or +shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for putting, however honest, +or worthy, a man in a prominent attitude before the world, or the +community he moves in. Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety, +sometimes assume an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers all +very well, as long as they keep where they are known; but to find out +the levelling principles of utter nothingness among your fellow mortals, +only assume a shabby apparel and stroll out among strangers, and you'll +be essentially _knocked_ by the force of these facts. However, in this +or almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any excuse, +for a man, woman, or child going about or being "shabby." Let your +garments, however coarse, be made clean and whole, and keep them so; if +you have but one shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the +fragments washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the +refreshing and purifying effects of water. + +General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of South Carolina. +A man he was of the most punctilious precision in manners and customs, +in courtesy, and cleanliness of dress and person; a man of brilliant +talents, and, in every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr. +Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and during his +sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old lady by the name of Hall, I +think--Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim and precise dame of the old regime. +Mistress Hall was a widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old +mansion, on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members of +Congress, or belonged to the Continental army. Never, since the days of +that remarkable lady we read of in the books, who made her servant take +her chair out of doors, and air it, if any body by chance sat down on +it, and who was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed +the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,--exceeded +Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette; hence it may be well +imagined that "shabby people" and the "small fry" generally, found +little or no favor in the eyes of the Quaker landlady of "ye olden +time." + +General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned his place, it +was filled by another noted individual of Charleston, General Lowndes, +one of the most courteous and talented men of his day, but the +slovenliest and most shockingly ill-accoutred man on record. But for the +care and watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence at +the time--Mrs. Lowndes,--the General would probably have frequently +appeared in public, with his coat inside out, and his shirt over all! + +General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended by his +friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's; General P. giving General +Lowndes a letter of introduction to that lady. Travelling was a slow and +tedious, as well as fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that +after a journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with some +pretensions to dress and respectable _contour_, would be apt to look a +little "mussy;" but for the poor General's part, he looked hard enough, +in all conscience, and had he known the _effect_ such an appearance was +likely to produce upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the +temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views were far +above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a thing as paying +deferential courtesies to a man's garments, was something not dreamed of +in his philosophy. + +"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant answering the +ponderous, lion-headed knocker. + +"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis way, sah, into de +parlor, sah." + +The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place were seated a +dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big bugs" of the olden time. Not +one moved to offer the stranger a seat by the fire, although his warm +Southern blood was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the +evening. The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy +and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await the presence +of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing; coming into the parlor, +with her astute cap upon her majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her +nose, as stately as a stage queen! + +"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and making a very +polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?" + +"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes with considerable +diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?" + +"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I--a--purpose remaining in the +city some time, and--a--I shall be pleased to put up with you." + +"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply. "My house is +full; I cannot accommodate you." + +"Well, really, that _will_ be a disappointment, indeed," said the +General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and may find it +difficult to procure permanent lodgings." + +"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are _taverns_ enough, where +strangers are entertained." + +The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender the stranger any +information upon the subject, but several eyed him very hard, and +doubtless felt pleased to see the discomfitted and ill-accoutred +traveller seize his baggage, adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which +_he_ was evidently very loth to do. + +Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred to him that +Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at the widow's, and also had +given him a letter of introduction to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence +caused the General to retrace his steps back into the parlor, where, +placing his portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened it, +and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no small wonder of the +landlady and her respectable boarders. + +"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly said the +General, still overhauling his baggage. + +"A letter for _me_, sir?" responded the lady. + +"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended me to stop +with you. Ah, here it is, from your friend General Pinckney, of South +Carolina." + +"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen present +cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore open the letter, while +Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau, and all of a sudden, quite +an incarnation spread its roseate hues over her still elegant features. + +Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening, madam, good +evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the institution, when the lady +arrested him with: + +"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?" + +"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with a dignified +bow. + +According to all accounts, just then, there was a very sudden rising +about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs, as if they had all just +been _struck_ with the idea that there was a stranger about! + +"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I don't wish to disturb +any of you, as I'm about to leave." + +"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr. Pinckney is +welcome to my house. Though we are full, I can make room for _you_, +sir." + +The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate friends, +when they became better acquainted. + + + + +Cigar Smoke + + +Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in +this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smokers. The +growing passion for the noxious weed is truly any thing but pleasantly +contemplative. A boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and +by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house developed +faculties, quite advanced in years! And street smoking, too, has +increased, at a rate, within a year past, that bids fair to make the +Puritan breezes of our evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as +meets one's nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New York. +There is but one idea of useful import that we can advance in favor of +smoking, to any great extent, in our city: consumption and asthmatic +disorders generally are more prevalent here than in other and more +southern climates, and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking, +to a moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable; but an +indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a dead waste of much +ready money, but injurious to the eyes, teeth, breath, taste, smell, and +all other senses. + + + + +An Everlasting Tall Duel + + +After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life, +especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great deal +of music mixed up with the misery, fun with the fuss and feathers, and +incident enough to last a man the balance of a long lifetime. + +While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of the Ohio volunteer +regiment were paid off one day, and, of course, all who could get +_leave_, started to town, to have a time, and get clear of their hard +earnings. + +The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated by the +Americans, that and the succeeding day. Several of the officers invested +a portion of their funds in mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut. +Dick Mason and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams. Now, it +so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole Mason's mule, and being +caught during the day with the stolen property on him, or he on it, the +high-handed private, (who, barring his propensity to ride in preference +to walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular with +the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken. + +"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut. Dick, "I'll give +him a lamming he won't forget soon!" + +And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the Lieutenant had him +whipped severely. This riled up Adjt. Wash., who, in good, round, +unvarnished terms, volunteered to lick the Lieutenant--out of his +leathers! From words they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow +or other the Lieutenant came out second best--bad licked! This sort of +a finale did not set well upon the stomach of the gallant Lieutenant; so +he ups and writes a challenge to the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat; +and readily finding a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and +delivered to Adjt. Armstrong, Company ----, Ohio volunteers. All these +preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in, Camargo. The Adjutant +readily accepted the invitation to step out and be shot at; and, having +scared up his second, and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels, +or other sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making wills +or leaving posthumous information. The duel went forward with alacrity, +but all of a sudden it was discovered by the several interested parties +that no arms were in the crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp +and look for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that +could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous tools as +could be found at hand, and go into the merits of the case at once. At +length the Adjutant and friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a +pistol, brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in the +year 1--sometime. It was a _scrougin_' thing to hold powder and lead, +and went off once in three times with the intonation of a four-pounder. + +"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do." + +"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the tool, and +swallowing down a fresh invoice of _ardiente_, the fighting men start to +muster up their opponents, whom they found armed and equipped, upon a +footing equal to the other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant +having a little _heavier_ piece, with a bore into which a gill measure +might be thrown. + +"But--the difference!" cried seconds and principals. + +"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant. + +"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds. + +"Where shall we go?" + +"Anywhere!" + +"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious seconds; "don't +want a crowd. Come on!" continue the seconds, very valorously; "let's +fight!" + +"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a chaparral, a mile +or so from town; "here is our ground!" + +The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about that, for the +bushes were so thick and high that precious little _ground_ was visible. + +"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions, is it?" says +the Adjutant's second. + +"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the _ground_, if you can find +it; let us go to work." + +"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second. + +"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds. + +"No, ten!" cry the principals. + +"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's second. "Twenty +paces; one, two, three----" + +And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance, the pieces +were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all around from an ample +jug of the R. G. they brought for the purpose, and then began the +memorable duel. The principals were placed in their respective +positions, to rake down each other; and from a safer point of the +compass the seconds gave the word. + +"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him down flat as a +hoe-cake. + +"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire. + +The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place upon a "question" +whether the Lieutenant had a _right_ to prime and fire again, or not. +The Adjutant being set upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing +to let the Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by +loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the Lieutenant, +placing the men, and giving the word, + +"One, two, three!" + +"Wang-g-g-g!" + +"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!" + +The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man, both being down; +but whether by concussion, recoil of their fusees, force of the liquor, +or weakness of the knee-pans, was a hard fact to solve. + +"Hurt, Wash.?" + +"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up. + +"Hit, Dick?" + +"No, _sir!_" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!" + +"Set 'em up!" + +"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds. + +All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-_chug_ go both men +again. The seconds rush forward, raise their men, all safe, load up +again, take a drink, all right. + +"Make ready, take aim, fire!" + +"Wang-g-g!" + +"Bang-g-g!" + +Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated, and the +Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg of his breeches! Both parties +getting very mad, very tired, and very anxious to try it on at ten +paces. Seconds object, pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and, + +"One, two, three, fire!" + +"Wang-g-g-g!" + +"Bang-g-g!" + +All down--load up again--take a drink--fire! and down they go again. It +is very natural to suppose that all this firing attracted somebody's +attention, and somebody came poking around to see what it was all about; +and just then, as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through +the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive--Bang-g! wang-g! and though it +seemed impossible to hit one another, the slugs, ricochetting over and +through the chaparral, knocked down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary +murder, and the rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds, +not _quite_ so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to +evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him one way, +and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a "Corporal's Guard" made +their appearance to arrest the _rioters_. In spite of the poor Mexicans' +protestations, or endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up +and carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and raising a +row in general. A night's repose brought the morning's reflection, when +the previous day's performances were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash, +and Dick became good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of +fraternity in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in storming +Monterey. + + * * * * * + +THE END. + + * * * * * + + + + + T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS + + + WIDDIFIELD'S + + NEW COOK BOOK: + + OR, + + PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE. + + BY + + HANNAH WIDDIFIELD, + + _Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article + she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia._ + +Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One +Dollar. + +There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a copy of +this work at once. It will give you all better meals and make your cost +of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and brothers in an +excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands, and is the _best_ and +only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant. It is written so that +all can understand it. It is taking the place of all other Cook Books, +for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as +a copy of this is worth all the other books, called Cook Books, in the +World. + +_Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it._ + +"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the best +families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady in her +profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth above Spruce +street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best livers in our city. +The receipts cover almost every variety of cake or dish, and every +species of cooking. One great advantage which this book enjoys over +almost every other is the simplicity with which the ingredients are set +forth, and the comparatively moderate cost at which particular receipts +may be got up. In most cook books the directions cover so large a cost, +that to common livers the directions had almost as well not be given. +This objection has been measurably removed in this new volume. Another +important matter is, no receipts are contained in it but those fully +tested, not only by the author, but by cooks and housekeepers most +competent to judge. The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish, +oysters, meat, poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has +been given to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and +convalescent. Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style, +wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is sold +at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on +receipt of One Dollar." + +_Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it._ + +"A number of good books on this subject have been published lately, but +this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen Its superiority +is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical directness of the +receipts; they are easily understood and followed. The book looks like +what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful practice. The +establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many years held the first rank +in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence of every article there +made; and now she crowns her well deserved celebrity by giving to the +world _the best book that has been written on the subject of cookery_. +The clear type in which the publisher presents it is no slight addition +to its value." + +_Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it._ + +"A Valuable Work.--Next to having something to eat is having it cooked +in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does not understand this +art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary teaching. This +want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has just published Mrs. +Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience of that celebrated +person in this line is given so clearly and with such precise details, +that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity to undertake the management +of household affairs, can make herself an accomplished caterer for the +table without serving an apprenticeship to the business. The book is +published in one volume, the typography good, and paper excellent, with +as much real useful information in the volume as would be worth a dozen +times its price. Get it at once." + +_Read what the Editors' wives think of it._ + +"It is unquestionably the _best_ Cook Book we have ever +seen."--_Saturday Evening Post._ + +"It is _the best_ of the many works on Cookery which have appeared. The +receipts are all plain and practical, and have never before appeared in +print."--_Germantown Telegraph._ + +"It is the _best_ Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should get a +copy at once."--_Berks Co. Press._ + +"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the subject of +Cookery extant."--_Ladies' National Magazine._ + +"It is the _very best_ book on Cookery and Receipts published."--_Dollar +Newspaper._ + +"It is the _very best family Cook Book in existence_, and we cordially +recommend it as such to our readers."--_Evening Bulletin._ + +"It is _the best Cook Book_ we have ever seen."--_Washington Union._ + +» Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to any one to +any place, _free of postage_, on remitting One Dollar to the Publisher, +in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling and +Publishing House of + + T. B. PETERSON, + + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + _To whom all orders must come addressed._ + + + BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE. + + + BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES. + + PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY + + T. B. PETERSON, + + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a. + + IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST + AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND + CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD. + + AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND + + CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S, + G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S, + T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON + AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON + BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S + HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S, GEORGE SANDS', + CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD. + + »The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what + books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble. + +SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.--Any person whatever in this country, +wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price of +the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102 +Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail, +to any place in the United States, _free of postage_. This is a splendid +offer, as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country, +for the regular price sold in the large cities, _free of postage_, on +sending for them. + +» All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent by +return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person +ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others +supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates. + +» Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here. + +» Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &c., throughout +the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would do well to +address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for a +comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you +may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of + +T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + + + T. B. PETERSON, + + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, + + HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE, + + STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS, + + Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications, + by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World. + + Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail. + + All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place, + per mail, _free of postage_, on receipt of the price. + + +MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS. + +With a beautiful Illustration in each volume. + +INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. This +is her new work, and is equal to any of her previous ones. Complete in +two large volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one +volume, cloth, for $1,25. + +THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. +Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or +bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25. + +THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a Splendid +Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest. It is +embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the author. +Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one +volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. +Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or +bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25. + +THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two +volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, +gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in +two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in cloth, gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two +volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, +gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter of the +celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor of England. This +is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is one of the best works +ever published in the English language, and will be read for generations +to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter Scott's celebrated novels. +Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one +volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy. + + +CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS. + +The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions. No +Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works. Reprinted from +the Author's last Editions. + +"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles +Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the +original London editions, and are now the only edition published in this +country. No library, either public or private, can be complete without +having in it a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all +living authors. Every family should possess a sett of one of the +editions. The cheap edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover; +either or all of which can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each. +The following are their names. + + DAVID COPPERFIELD, + NICHOLAS NICKLEBY, + PICKWICK PAPERS, + DOMBEY AND SON, + MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, + BARNABY RUDGE, + OLD CURIOSITY SHOP, + SKETCHES BY "BOZ," + OLIVER TWIST + BLEAK HOUSE + +DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New +Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's +Daughters, etc. + +CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing--A Christmas Carol. The Chimes. Cricket on +the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and Pictures from Italy. + +A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be +sent to any one to any place, _free of postage_, for Five Dollars. + +COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION. + +In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles +Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely +printed, and bound in various styles. + +Volume 1 contains Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop. + + " 2 do. Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge. + + " 3 do. Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit. + + " 4 do. David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories, + and Pictures from Italy. + + " 5 do. Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The + Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories + by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie + Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune + Wildred, etc. + +Price of a complete sett. Bound in Black cloth, full gilt back, $7.50 + + " " " scarlet cloth, extra, 8 50 + + " " " library sheep, 9 00 + + " " " half turkey morocco, 11 00 + + " " " half calf, antique, 15 00 + + » _Illustrated Edition is described on next page._ « + + +ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS. + +This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is +profusely illustrated, with all the original illustrations by +Cruikshank, Alfred Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London +edition, on copper, steel, and wood. Each volume contains a novel +complete, and may be had in complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth, +for Eighteen Dollars for the sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will +be sold separately, as follows: + + BLEAK HOUSE, _Price_, $1 50 + PICKWICK PAPERS, 1 50 + OLD CURIOSITY SHOP, 1 50 + OLIVER TWIST, 1 50 + SKETCHES BY "BOZ," 1 50 + BARNABY RUDGE, 1 50 + NICHOLAS NICKLEBY, 1 50 + MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, 1 50 + DAVID COPPERFIELD, 1 50 + DOMBEY AND SON, 1 50 + CHRISTMAS STORIES, 1 50 + DICKENS' NEW STORIES, 1 50 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in +black cloth, gilt back, $18,00 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in +full law library sheep, $24,00 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve vols., in +half turkey Morocco, $27,00 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in +half calf, antique, $36,00 + +_All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style +with all the previous ten different editions._ + + +CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last +is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each +forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself. + + PETER SIMPLE. + JACOB FAITHFUL. + THE PHANTOM SHIP. + MIDSHIPMAN EASY. + KING'S OWN. + NEWTON FORSTER. + JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER. + PACHA OF MANY TALES. + NAVAL OFFICER. + PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS. + SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend. + PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts. + POOR JACK. Price 50 cents. + SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents. + + +ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo +volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover. + + THE ORPHAN NIECE. + KATE WALSINGHAM. + THE POOR COUSIN. + ELLEN WAREHAM. + THE QUIET HUSBAND. + WHO SHALL BE HEIR? + THE SECRET FOE. + AGNES SERLE. + THE HEIRESS. + PRINCE AND PEDLER. + MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER. + THE FRIGHT. + NAN DARRELL. + THE SQUIRE. + THE EXPECTANT. + THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts. + + +MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS. + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF AMERICAN LIFE. With +a Portrait of the Author. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover, +price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and +Twenty-five cents. + +THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete in two large +volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar, or bound in one +volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being the last +book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death. Complete in two +large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, +for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of the South. Complete +in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, +cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One +Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price +One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25. + +THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25. + +HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One +Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25. + +AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it, written by +Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published in any other +edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + + +T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are the +most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no better +books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them. + + YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE. + THE DIVORCED WIFE. + THE BANKER'S WIFE. + PRIDE AND PRUDENCE. + CECILIA HOWARD. + MARY MORETON. + LOVE IN A COTTAGE. + LOVE IN HIGH LIFE. + THE TWO MERCHANTS. + LADY AT HOME. + TRIAL AND TRIUMPH. + THE ORPHAN CHILDREN. + THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER. + INSUBORDINATION. + LUCY SANDFORD. + AGNES, or the Possessed. + THE TWO BRIDES. + THE IRON RULE. + THE OLD ASTROLOGER. + THE SEAMSTRESS. + + +CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS. + +CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete in one +large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on +finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By Charles Lever. +Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on +finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large +octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer +paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume +of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in +cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume. +Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, +illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete in one +large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, +bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New Book. Complete +in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer +paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven works. +Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an +edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +VALENTINE VOX.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX, the Ventriloquist. +By Henry Cockton. One of the most humorous books ever published. Price +Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One +Dollar. + +PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox, the +Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents. + +TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits of Snap, Quirk, +Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large octavo vols., of 547 +pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, +$1,50. + + +CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS. + +KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular books +ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price One +Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25. + +CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812. First and +Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By Charles J. +Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents. + +GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J. Peterson. +Illustrated. Price 25 cents. + +THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN. A companion to Jane +Eyre. Price 25 cents. + + +EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS. + +THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it. By Eugene Sue, +author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest work ever written. With +illustrations. Complete in two large volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar. + +THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With 87 large +illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar. + +THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands. By Eugene Sue. +Price Twenty-five cents. + +FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810. Price +Twenty-five cents. + + +SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS. + +FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue," +"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents. + +THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents. + +THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents. + +CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12-1/2 cents. + + +MRS. GREY'S NOVELS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo +volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover. + + DUKE AND THE COUSIN. + GIPSY'S DAUGHTER. + BELLE OF THE FAMILY. + SYBIL LENNARD. + THE LITTLE WIFE. + MAN[OE]UVRING MOTHER. + LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters. + THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS. + THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA. + THE OLD DOWER HOUSE. + HYACINTHE. + ALICE SEYMOUR. + HARRY MONK. + MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents. + PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + + +GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS. + +THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth, By G. W. M. +Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents. + +THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By G. W. M. Reynolds. +Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents. + +LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN IN THE METROPOLIS +OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents. + + +AINSWORTH'S WORKS. + +JACK SHEPPARD.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK SHEPPARD, the most +noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker, that ever lived. Embellished +with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited Illustrations, designed and +engraved in the finest style of art, by George Cruikshank, Esq., of +London. Price Fifty cents. + +ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings. This is +beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever published in the +known world, and can be read and re-read with pleasure and satisfaction +by everybody. We advise all persons to get it and read it. Two volumes, +octavo. Price One Dollar. + +PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The Chief of the Gunpowder +Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated. By William Harrison +Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents. + +THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison Ainsworth. With +17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents. + +THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth. Full of +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William Harrison Ainsworth. +Price Fifty cents. + +MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth. Being one of the +most interesting Historical Romances ever written. One large volume. +Price Fifty cents. + +DICK TURPIN.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the Highwayman, Burglar, +Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents. + +HENRY THOMAS.--LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar and Murderer. +Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents. + +DESPERADOES.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF THE DESPERADOES OF THE +NEW WORLD. Full of engravings. Price Twenty-five cents. + +NINON DE L'ENCLOS.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON DE L'ENCLOS, with her +Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime. Beautifully +illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents. + +PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT. Written by himself. +Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of Mrs. Ellen Lynch +and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of his life and misdeeds, +from the time of his birth until he was hung. Illustrated with +portraits. Price Twenty-five cents. + +JACK ADAMS.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK ADAMS; the celebrated +Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier, author of "The Spitfire." Full +of illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +GRACE O'MALLEY.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GRACE O'MALLEY. By +William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild Sports in the West." Price Fifty +cents. + +THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful +illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents. + + +ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS. + +THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE. +Being the conclusion of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and +"Bragelonne." By Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420 +octavo pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and +Engravings. Price One Dollar. + +LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL END OF THE IRON MASK. +By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen," +"Twenty Years After," "Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far +more interesting and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors. +Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the +best of paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct +Portraits of "Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask." +Price One Dollar. + +THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF LOUIS THE +FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully embellished with thirty +engravings, which illustrate the principal scenes and characters of the +different heroines throughout the work. Complete in two large octavo +volumes. Price One Dollar. + +THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE COURT OF LOUIS THE +SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas. +It is beautifully illustrated with portraits of the heroines of the +work. Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One +Dollar. + +SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By Alexandre Dumas. Being +the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace; or the Secret History of the +Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and "Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in +one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents. + +COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH MONARCHY. By Alexandre +Dumas. This work is the final conclusion of the "Memoirs of a +Physician," "The Queen's Necklace," and "Six Years Later, or Taking of +the Bastile." All persons who have not read Dumas in this, his greatest +and most instructive production, should begin at once, and no pleasure +will be found so agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and +absorbing. Complete in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One +Dollar. + +DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in the Sixteenth +Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance. Complete in two +large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with numerous illustrative +engravings. Price One Dollar. + +ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of Charles +the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages, printed on +the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents. + +EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of the Count +of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in one large +octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents. + +THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized, and is now +played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country, and it is +exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents. + +SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a book as +Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a better book. It is +the most delightful book of the season. Price Fifty cents. + +GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE. By Alexandre Dumas. An +Historical Romance of the French Revolution. Complete in one large +octavo volume of over 200 pages, with numerous illustrative engravings. +Price Fifty cents. + + +GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS. + +WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American Revolution. +Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, printed on the finest +white paper. Price One Dollar. + +THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of Philadelphia +Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous Engravings. Complete +in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages. Price One Dollar. + +THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of the Dark +Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published. Complete in one +large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents. + +PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the Revolution. +Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in, two large octavo +volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar. + +BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A Romance of +the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine. It makes a +large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the finest white paper. +Price Seventy-five cents. + +LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late President +of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of 128 pages. Price +Twenty-five cents. + +THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of +Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete in +one volume. Price Fifty cents. + + +B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS. + +VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo volume +of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents. + +THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By B. +D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents. + +VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. +Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents. + +HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one +large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents. + +CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. One volume, +octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents. + +MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. +One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents. + + +EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS. + +CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The characters are +boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete with thrilling +interest, and the language and descriptions natural and graphic, as are +all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or +One Dollar in cloth, gilt. + +VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete in one large +volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300 pages, paper +cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00. + +KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS. Price 50 cents in +paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume. Price 50 cents in +paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS. By Emerson Bennett. +Price 50 cents. + +HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of Circumstantial +Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents. + +ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN. Complete in one large +volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in cloth gilt, $1 00. + + +MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK. + +MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new and approved +methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters, terrapins, +turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles, sweet meats, +cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal preparations of +all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies, laundry-work, +needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also, list of articles +suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, and much +useful information and many miscellaneous subjects connected with +general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo volume of 520 +pages; and in it there will be found _One Thousand and Eleven new +Receipts_--all useful--some ornamental--and all invaluable to every +lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has had a very extensive +sale, and many thousand copies have been sold, and the demand is +increasing yearly, being the most complete work of the kind published in +the world, and also the latest and best, as, in addition to Cookery, its +receipts for making cakes and confectionery are unequalled by any other +work extant. New edition, enlarged and improved, and handsomely bound. +Price One Dollar a copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss +Leslie. + + +GEORGE SANDS' WORKS. + +FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand, author of +"Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming and +interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents. + +INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc. A very +bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents. + +THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents. + + +HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. + +WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS, AND BEAUTIFULLY +ILLUMINATED COVERS. + +We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following +HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best possible style, +full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the best +scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful +designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper. +There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in +the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only. + +THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS. + +MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents, and +Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen +Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and other Stories. +By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis Reveille.) With +Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents. + +CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C. Neal, +author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc. With +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and Vagaries. By W. E. +Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the author of +"Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and others. Price +Fifty cents. + +MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes, Incidents, and +Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada. With Eight Illustrations +from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of humorous +Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the Wild West. By +the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing Oysters Alive," etc. +With Illustrations from designs by Darley, Price Fifty cents. + +QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By W. T. Porter, Esq., of +the New York Spirit of the Times. With Eight Illustrations and designs +by Darley. Complete in one volume. Price Fifty cents. + +SIMON SUGGS.--ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late of the Tallapoosa +Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census," and other Alabama +Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait from Life, and Nine other +Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes," etc. This +is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that will be +recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents. + +YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias Judge Haliburton. +Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated from the pen of any +author. Every page will set you in a roar. Price Fifty cents. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE +SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones, author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western +Scenes," etc. Price Fifty cents. + +BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters and +Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T. Porter. With +Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches of Georgia +Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of "Major Jones' +Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H. Ingraham. It will +interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a good laugh should get it +at once. Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at Melton Mowbray. By +H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE "NEW ORLEANS +PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the Eastern Yankee, the Western +Hoosier, and such others as make up society in the great Metropolis of +the South. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," +"The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty +cents. + +STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the Fugitive Offspring of +the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have been "Laying Around Loose," +and are now "tied up" for fast keeping. With Illustrations by Darley. +Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial evidence. By +the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon Hounds," etc. With +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. For Sixteen +years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of the State of +Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty +cents. + +THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by Night and +Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his private journal. +Price Fifty cents. + +PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal Sketches," +"Peter Faber," &c. With Illustrations from original designs, by Darley. +Price Fifty cents. + +WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other Tales of +Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original Illustrations. Price +Fifty cents. + +MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. With +Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF +SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer, etc. Illustrated by Darley. +Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings in the West, Cincinnati in Early +Life, etc. Price Fifty cents. + +SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK AND ANECDOTAL +RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It +comprises a Sketch of the second Seven years of his professional life, +together with some Sketches of Adventure in after years. Price Fifty +cents. + +POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author of "Major +Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as they were Twenty Years +Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The +Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents. + +LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P. M. S. U. Ky. +Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations by Darley. Price +Fifty cents. + +NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio of a +Southern Medical Student." With Illustrations from designs by Darley. +Price Fifty cents. + + +FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES. + +Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with +the aid of these works, be enabled to _read_, _write_ and _speak_ the +language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction +whatever, provided they pay strict attention to the instructions laid +down in each book, and that nothing shall be passed over, without a +thorough investigation of the subject it involves: by doing which they +will be able to _speak_, _read_ or _write_ either language, at their +will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons +wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred +times their cost. These works have already run through several large +editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without +recommending it to his friends. + + FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons. + GERMAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons. + SPANISH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Four Easy Lessons. + ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Five Easy Lessons. + LATIN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons. + +Price of either of the above Works, separate, 25 cents each--or the +whole five may be had for One Dollar, and will be sent _free of postage_ +to any one on their remitting that amount to the publisher, in a +letter. + + +WORKS BY THE BEST AUTHORS. + +FLIRTATIONS IN AMERICA; OR HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. A capital book. 285 +pages. Price 50 cents. + +DON QUIXOTTE.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DON QUIXOTTE DE LA +MANCHA, and his Squire Sancho Panza, with all the original notes. 300 +pages. Price 75 cents. + +WILD SPORTS IN THE WEST. By W. H. Maxwell, author of "Pictorial Life and +Adventures of Grace O'Malley." Price 50 cents. + +THE ROMISH CONFESSIONAL; or, the Auricular Confession and Spiritual +direction of the Romish Church. Its History, Consequences, and policy of +the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents. + +GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the +best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + +WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It is the Private +Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly +cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows up all the High +and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts in Paris. Price +50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly. One of the best +and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever been printed. Price +50 cents. + +LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only edition published +in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, +price 75 cents. + +DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY, with a large dissected +plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life. By the celebrated Dr. +Hollick, author of "The Family Physician," "Origin of Life," etc. Price +One Dollar. + +DR. HOLLICK'S FAMILY PHYSICIAN; OR, THE TRUE ART OF HEALING THE SICK. A +book that should be in the house of every family. It is a perfect +treasure. Price 25 cents. + +MYSTERIES OF THREE CITIES. Boston, New York, and Philadelphia. Revealing +the secrets of society in these various cities. All should read it. By +A. J. H. Duganne. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + +RED INDIANS OF NEWFOUNDLAND. A beautifully illustrated Indian Story, by +the author of the "Prairie Bird." Price 50 cents. + +HARRIS'S ADVENTURES IN AFRICA. This book is a rich treat. Two volumes. +Price One Dollar, or handsomely bound, $1 50. + +THE PETREL; OR, LOVE ON THE OCEAN. A sea novel equal to the best. By +Admiral Fisher. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + +ARISTOCRACY, OR LIFE AMONG THE "UPPER TEN." A true novel of fashionable +life. By J. A. Nunes, Esq. Price 50 cents. + +THE CABIN AND PARLOR. By J. Thornton Randolph. It is beautifully +illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition, printed +on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, is +published for One Dollar. + +LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By C. H. Wiley. +Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley. Price 50 +cents. + +SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of "Vanity Fair," +"History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents. + +THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND CICERO. By Henry William +Herbert. This is one of the most powerful Roman stories in the English +language, and is of itself sufficient to stamp the writer as a powerful +man. Complete in two large volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover, +price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25. + +THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams, and +illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every Lady should +possess. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or bound in crimson cloth, gilt, +for 75 cents. + +THE COQUETTE. One of the best books ever written. One volume, octavo, +over 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + +WHITEFRIARS; OR, THE DAYS OF CHARLES THE SECOND. An Historical Romance. +Splendidly illustrated with original designs, by Chapin. It is the best +historical romance published for years. Price 50 cents. + +WHITEHALL; OR, THE TIMES OF OLIVER CROMWELL. By the author of +"Whitefriars." It is a work which, for just popularity and intensity of +interest, has not been equalled since the publication of "Waverly." +Beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents. + +THE SPITFIRE. A Nautical Romance. By Captain Chamier, author of "Life +and Adventures of Jack Adams." Illustrated. Price 50 cents. + +UNCLE TOM'S CABIN AS IT IS. One large volume, illustrated, bound in +cloth. Price $1 25. + +FATHER CLEMENT. By Grace Kennady, author of "Dunallen," "Abbey of +Innismoyle," etc. A beautiful book. Price 50 cents. + +THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father Clement." +Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents. + +THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and Lower Tendom. +By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents. + +POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged edition, with +numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold. We have never seen a +volume embracing any thing like the same quantity of useful matter. The +work is really a treasure. It should speedily find its way into every +family. It also contains a large and entirely new Map of the United +States, with full page portraits of the Presidents of the United States, +from Washington until the present time, executed in the finest style of +the art. Price 50 cents a copy only. + +HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto Portrait, +and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished Statesman. +Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price $1 00 a copy only. +Originally sold at $5 00 a copy. + +THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story of a Guardian and +his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author of the "Emigrant +Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and +companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment--its graphic +and vigorous style--its truthful delineations of character--and deep and +powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents. + +ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents. + +SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry, and Defence +of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John Graham. Price 37 +cents. + +VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the author to +the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents. + +FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn. By the +author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price One Dollar. + + +WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH. + +GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY. By Count Alfred +D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay. Price 25 cents. + +LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with her +full-length portrait. Price 25 cents. + +ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess of Blessington. A +charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents. + +GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book. Price 25 +cents. + +ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe." One volume, +octavo. Price 25 cents. + +THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All should read +it. Price 25 cents. + +DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author of "Ten +Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents. + +ABEDNEGO, THE MONEY LENDER. By Mrs. Gore. Price 25 cents. + +MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20 +plates. Price 25 cents. + +GLIDDON'S ANCIENT EGYPT, HER MONUMENTS, HIEROGLYPHICS, HISTORY, ETC. +Full of plates. Price 25 cents. + +BEAUTIFUL FRENCH GIRL; or the Daughter of Monsieur Fontanbleu. Price 25 +cents. + +MYSTERIES OF BEDLAM; OR, ANNALS OF THE LONDON MAD-HOUSE. Price 25 cents. + +JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of "Home +Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents. + +EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq., author of +"Richelieu." Price 25 cents. + +AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane Eyre," "Shirley," +etc. Price 25 cents. + +BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton Myers. A Three +Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents. + +KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever owns a cow should +have this book. Price 25 cents. + +KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All that own a horse +should possess this work. Price 25 cents. + +THE COMPLETE KITCHEN AND FRUIT GARDENER, FOR POPULAR AND GENERAL USE. +Price 25 cents. + +THE COMPLETE FLORIST; OR FLOWER GARDENER. The best in the world. Price +25 cents. + +THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents. + +PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search of a +Husband." Price 25 cents. + +MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price 25 cents. + +THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have been +proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well told, and +excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents. + +THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE CHARITY +SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents. + +LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the late William Burns. +Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents. + +JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent book. Price +25 cents. + +MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE. A Tale founded on +Facts. Price 25 cents. + +RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By William Carleton. +One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents. + +AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents. + +POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12-1/2 cts. + + +Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry. + +AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture and +Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents. + +ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and +Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents. + +FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce, Physiology +and Agriculture. + +THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in the +animal body. + +CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY AND PATHOLOGY. + +T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor Liebig's +works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They are bound in +one large royal octavo volume, in Muslin gilt. Price for the complete +works bound in one volume, One Dollar and Fifty cents. The three last +are not published separately from the bound volume. + + +EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS. + +THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +THE SCHOOLBOY, AND OTHER STORIES. By Dickens. 12-1/2 cents. + +SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles Dickens. Price +12-1/2 cents. + +THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 +cents. + +THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words, etc. +Illustrated. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the Twelve +Apostles. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his Portrait. Price +12-1/2 cents. + +REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE THRONE OF INIQUITY; or, +sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse in behalf of a law prohibiting the +traffic in intoxicating drinks. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES, ETC. By Lucretia Mott. +Price 12-1/2 cents. + +EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member of the Euchre Club +of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer prices, and +how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12-1/2 cents. + + * * * * * + +T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale & Retail Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, +Publishing and Bookselling Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, +Philadelphia: + +From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no +matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers' +lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants, +Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the +City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive +collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find +all the _best, latest, and cheapest works_ published in this country or +elsewhere, for sale very low. + + +THE FORGED WILL. + +BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S +DAUGHTER," ETC. + +THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large +volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work +is handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR. + +ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in a short +time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's +Cabin. The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of +the most powerfully written works in the language. + +THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through +the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been +appearing for ten weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most +popular nouvelettes that has ever appeared in the columns of any +newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared, the back +numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers +were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of +the paper were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three +papers of it, for new subscribers to their paper, which induced the +publisher to make an arrangement with the popular author to bring it out +in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form. + +If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling +stories of border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new +story of the 'Forged Will' would have placed his name on the record as +one of the best of American novelists. The scenes, principally, of this +most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and most +glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time, +escape the justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of +retribution sooner or later; how vice may, for a time, triumph over +virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed, until its very +security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation, +but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and +rejoices triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears +the veil that hides its huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life +as it exists in the crowded city. We do cordially recommend this book +for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated, for it +_must_ do good. + +Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents +only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and +handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One +Dollar. + + * * * * * + +T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett, +either or all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any +one, on receipt of the prices annexed to them. All should send for one +or more of them at once. No one will ever regret the money sent. + +CLARA MORELAND; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson +Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved +to be one of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in +America, 336 pages. Price Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in +cloth, gilt. + +THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER. By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara Moreland," +"Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents. + +WALDE-WARREN, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett, +author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents. + +VIOLA; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author +of "The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents. + +Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person +at all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their +remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a +letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by + + T. B. PETERSON, + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + + +VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. + +BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE +CLARENDON," "BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S +DAUGHTER," ETC., ETC. + +READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS: + +"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to +pronounce it one of the very best productions of the talented author. +The scenes are laid in Texas, and the adjoining frontier. There is not a +page that does not glow with thrilling and interesting incident, and +will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it. The +characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural +throughout. We have derived so much gratification from the perusal of +this charming novel, that we are anxious to make our readers share it +with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it to be read by all +persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited +and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not +only because they are well written, but that they are, in most part, +taken from events connected with the history of our own country, from +which much valuable information is derived, and should, therefore, have +a double claim upon our preference, over those works where the incidents +are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign +climes. The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in +a style highly creditable to the enterprising publisher." + +"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is +the sequel and conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of +action and adventure, where Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps +the most captivating to the general mind of all the walks of fiction. +There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in his style and +stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is +increasing. One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels, +as we may call them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the +open air and natural world about them--free from the closeness, +intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed in works +that treat of the vices and dissipations of large +cities."--_Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post._ + +"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in +and near Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the +characters are well drawn and sustained. An interesting love plot runs +through the book, which gives a faithful representation of life in the +far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued Viola in his usual neat style, +and it is destined to have a great run."--_Clinton Tribune._ + +"We have received the above work and found time to give it an +examination. The scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all +the vividness for which the author is so celebrated. Those who are +particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures may safely calculate +upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and +handsomely printed."--_Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill._ + +"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and +interesting Romance are found in Texas before and during the late +Mexican war. It is written with much spirit and pathos, and abounds in +stirring incidents and adventures, and has an interesting and romantic +love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation of 'Life +in the Far South-West.' The author of 'Viola,' will rank among the most +popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and +enterprise of his publisher, T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general +favorite."--_Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y._ + +"This thrilling and interesting novel--equal to anything the celebrated +author ever wrote--has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would +advise every one who wants to get the value of his money, to get the +book. Bennett's works are the most interesting of any now +published."--_Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio._ + +THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large +volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is +handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS. + +Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at +all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their +remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a +letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by + + T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE. + +BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT, AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC. + + +READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT. + +_From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853._ + +"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the +indomitable genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply +sufficient of itself to stamp the writer as a powerful man. The +startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow of the great +Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and we +may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such +masterly pretensions, but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste, +energy, and tact of his enterprising publisher. The book is admirably +brought out, and altogether may be set down as one of Peterson's 'great +hits' in literature." + +_From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853._ + +"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this +volume a tale which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and +be read by all lovers of literature that embodies the true, the +thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we would have thought +it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter +days; but here we have it--Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the +rest of that dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true +portraits. Those who have read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the +truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the heroes of deep and +treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character. +On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the +Commonwealth of Rome. We have also his noble contemporaries and +coadjutors, all in this volume. Would that space permitted for a more +extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear. One thing is +certain--if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus +Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest." + +_From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853._ + +"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author, +will not fail to procure this book--It is a thrilling romance, and the +characters brought forward, and the interest with which they are +constantly invested, will insure for it a great run." + +_From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853._ + +"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful +production--perhaps the highest effort of the brilliant and successful +author. A thorough historian and a careful thinker, he is well qualified +to write learnedly of any period of the world's history. The book is +published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table." + +_From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853._ + +"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents +which have made the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the +history of the Roman Republic. The lovers of excitement will find in its +pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker phases of life's +drama." + +_From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853._ + +"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject +of this story. Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most +authentic authors, he has woven around them a net-work of incident, love +and romance, which is stirring and exciting. The faithful manner in +which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style in which +his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his +many successful novels." + +Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar +only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and +handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One +Dollar and Twenty-five Cents. + +Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, +to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting +the price of the edition they wish to the publisher, in a letter, +post-paid. Published and for sale by + + T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +THE INITIALS: A STORY OF MODERN LIFE. + +Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or bound in one +vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and Twenty-Five Cents a copy. + +T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, has just +published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be found on +perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated works +ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue to +be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter +Scott's celebrated novels. + +READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS + + CHAPTER + I. The Letter. + II. The Initials + III. A. Z. + IV. A Walk of no common Description. + V. An Alp. + VI. Secularized Cloisters. + VII. An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters. + VIII. An Alpine Party. + IX. Salzburg. + X. The Return to Munich. + XI. The Betrothal. + XII. Domestic Details. + XIII. A Truce. + XIV. A New Way to Learn German. + XV. The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct. + XVI. The Au Fair. The Supper. + XVII. Lovers' Quarrels. + XVIII. The Churchyard. + XIX. German Soup. + XX. The Warning. + XXI. The Struggle. + XXII. The Departure. + XXIII. The Long Day. + XXIV. The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass. + XXV. The Garret. + XXVI. The Discussion. + XXVII. The Sledge. + XXVIII. A Ball at the Museum Club. + XXIX. A Day of Freedom. + XXX. The Masquerade. + XXXI. Where is the Bridegroom? + XXXII. The Wedding at Troisieme. + XXXIII. A Change. + XXXIV. The Arrangement. + XXXV. The Difficulty Removed. + XXXVI. The Iron Works. + XXXVII. An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences. + XXXVIII. The Experiment. + XXXIX. The Recall. + XL. Hohenfels. + XLI. The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.) + XLII. A Discourse. + XLIII. Another kind of Discourse. + XLIV. The Journey Home Commences. + XLV. What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort. + XLVI. Halt! + XLVII. Conclusion. + +Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any +part of the United States, _free of postage_, on their remitting the +price of the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter. + +Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut St., +Philadelphia To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid. + + +CLARA MORELAND. + +BY EMERSON BENNETT. + +Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt. + +READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS. + +"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his +story well, and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into +the haunts of the wild Indians, or among the equally savage bands of +lawless men, that once were the terror of that country; he presents the +remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in a manner which, +though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His +dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of +the interlocutors, and presenting occasionally, especially in response, +an epigrammatic poise, that is worthy of all praise. The plot abounds +with adventure, and presents many scenes of startling interest, while +the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious reader's +ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the +excellent style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on +good paper, and bound in a manner to correspond with the quality of its +typography."--_Arthur's Home Gazette._ + +"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and +thrilling production, and will particularly interest all who love to +read of life in the West and South-West. A love story runs through the +volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has issued the book +in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding +is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the +embellishments are eminently creditable. Clara Moreland should command a +large sale."--_Philadelphia City Item._ + +"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of +thrilling scenes and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that +escape a casual observation. Mr. Bennett is a keen discoverer of +character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as to carry the +reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated +interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most +popular American novelists, and aided by the great energy of his +publisher is fast becoming a general favorite."--_McMackin's Model +Saturday Courier._ + +"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is +one of his longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite +author with Western readers. It is illustrated and well +printed."--_Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper._ + +"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and +turmoil."--_Philadelphia North American._ + +"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the +universe, and, as such, our reading public are bound to give him a +cordial greeting, not only for this, but for the sake of that +wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West, and +more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his +glowing, brilliant productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be +pronounced the best."--_Philadelphia Saturday Courier._ + +"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all +who have a cultivated taste."--_Baltimore Sun._ + +"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during +the late war with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it +abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, has a good love-plot +interwoven with it, and is in many respects a faithful representation of +Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great popularity, +especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in +a very handsome style."--_Philadelphia Evening Bulletin._ + +"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and +graphically sketched. It is published in a good style."--_Philadelphia +Public Ledger._ + +"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett. +Those who love daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an +engaging book."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._ + +"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by +numerous engravings."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._ + +"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth +escapes, the scene of which is laid in the South-West. The book is +illustrated with engravings representing some of the exciting events +narrated by the writer."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._ + +"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and +accident, are blended together so as to form a highly interesting work +of 334 pages."--_New York Picayune._ + + Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS, + +BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE. + +A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK. + +Have you read it? If not, then do so. + +Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth. + +Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal of a +Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind, in +making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the +annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity, +and real scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from +the press. + +TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK. + + Opening the Journal. + Adventure in search of Ruin. + Parting Tribute to Love. + Three Desperate Days! + The Poetry of Sea-Sickness. + The Red Flannel Night-Cap. + A Ship by Moonlight. + Arrival in London. + The Parks of London. + Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey. + England's Monuments. + Madame Tussaud's Wax Works. + The "Beauties" of Hampton Court. + Love and Philosophy. + "Love's Labor Lost." + A Peep at "The Shades." + The Modern "Aspasia." + Noble Plea for Matrimony. + The Lily on the Shore. + English Mother and American Daughter. + The "Maid of Normandie." + An Effecting Scene. + "Paris est un Artist." + The Guillotine. + "Give us Another!" + Post Mortem Reflections. + Fashionable Criticism. + Whiskey Punch and Logic. + "Shylock asks for Justice!" + "Lorette" and "Grisette." + Kissing Day. + The Tattoo. + The Masked Ball. + The Incognita. + The Charms of Paris. + Changing Horses. + A View in Lyons. + Avignon--Petrarch and Laura. + Our First Ruin. + The Unconscious Blessing. + A Crash and a Wreck. + The Railroad of Life. + A Night Adventure. + "The Gods take care of Cato." + The Triumphs of Neptune. + The Marquisi's Foot. + Beauties of Naples Bay. + Natural History of the Lazaroni. + The True Venus. + Love and Devotion. + The Mortality of Pompeii. + Procession of the Host. + The Ascent of Vesuvius. + The Mountain Emetic. + The Human Projectile. + The City of the Soul. + The Coup de Main. + Night in the Coliseum! + Catholicity Considered. + Power Passing Away! + Byron Among the Ruins. + A Gossip with the Artists. + Speaking Gems. + "Weep for Adonis!" + The Lady and the God. + The Science of Psalmistry. + "Sour Grapes." + A Ramble about Tivoli. + Illumination of St. Peter's. + The "Niobe of Nations." + A Ghostly Scene! + "Honi soit qui mal y pense." + A "Ball" without Music. + Abelard and Heloise. + Scenes on the Road. + The "Tug of War." + "There they are, by Jove!" + The Raven-Haired One! + Heaven and Hell! + The "Hamlet" of Sculpture. + The Modern Susannah. + Hey, Presto! 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Kelley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Humors of Falconbridge + A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes + +Author: Jonathan F. Kelley + +Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE *** + + + + +Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<hr /> + +<div class='image' id='illo002'> + +<img src='images/illo002.png' + alt="Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?" + title="Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?" +/> + +<p class='caption'>"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You +needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty—day's de dogs, +mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the +rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey +are—show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! +You want to see der teeth?"—<a href="#Pg_136"><i>Page</i> 136</a>.</p> + +</div> + +<div id='titlepage' > +<h1> + <span style='font-size:100%'>THE</span><br /> + + <span style='font-size:200%'>HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:</span><br /> + + <span style='font-size:90%'>A COLLECTION OF</span><br /> + + <span style='font-size:125%'>HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.</span> +</h1> +<h2> + <span style='font-size:75%;'>BY</span><br /> + + JONATHAN F. KELLEY. +</h2> + +<h3> Philadelphia:<br /> + T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET. +</h3> + +<hr /> + +<p> Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by<br /> + + T. B. PETERSON,<br /> + + In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in and for the<br /> + Eastern District of Pennsylvania. +</p> +<hr /> +<p> + <span style="font-size:75%;">TO</span><br /> + <span style="font-size:133%;letter-spacing:2px;">ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,</span><br /> + <span style="font-size:75%;">OF MASSACHUSETTS,</span></p> + + <p style="line-height:1.2em;">AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST<br /> + APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,</p> + +<p> <span style="font-size:75%;">AS WELL AS FOR</span><br /> + + YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;<br /> + + <span style="font-size:75%;">AND MORE THAN ALL,</span><br /> + + FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,<br /> + + <span style="font-size:75%;">I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,</span><br /> + + Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.<br /> + + <span style="font-size:75%;">FRATERNALLY YOURS,</span><br /> +</p> +<p style='margin-left:8em;'> FALCONBRIDGE. +</p> +</div> + + +<h2><a name="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTE" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTE"></a>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</h2> + +<p>This etext differs from the original in the following ways. +First, the work used "somehow" and "some how" about equally; +these all have been changed to "somehow." Second, a number +of minor typographical errors have been corrected. Corrected +words are indicated by a dotted gray underline. Hover the cursor +over them to see the original spelling +(to find them all, search the source file for the string "<ins"). +Finally, a table of illustrations has been added.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="JONATHAN_F_KELLY" id="JONATHAN_F_KELLY"></a>A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.</h2> + + +<p>The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even +the pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of +exciting interest among that large and constantly increasing class +who have a taste for books. The career of the soldier may be +colored by the hues of romantic adventure; the politician may +leave a legacy to history, which it would be ingratitude not to +notice; but what triumphs or matters of exciting moment can +reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of one who has +merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled the +pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small +anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can +undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.</p> + +<p>It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been +his own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly +all personal. They are mostly the results of his own observation +and experience; and those who, in accordance with a practice we +fear now too little attended to, read the Preface before the body +of the work, will, we trust, understand that the stories in which +"Falconbridge" claims to have been an actor, are to be received +with as much confidence as truthful accounts, as if some Boswell +treasured them up with care, and minutely detailed them for the +admiration of those who should follow after him.</p> + +<p>Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of +August, A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, +placed at school, where he acquired the rudiments of a plain +English education, sufficient to enable him, with the practice and +experience to be gained in the world, to improve the advantages +derived from his tuition. He was, while yet a boy, placed for +a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was employed by +Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then +in Third street above Walnut.</p> + +<p>In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined +to go out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. +He accordingly set out for that great region to which attention +was then turned—the Western country. Having but slight +means to pay the expenses of traveling, he walked nearly the +whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his wanderings +were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been subjected, +caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened +most fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, +pitied the boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and +good conduct, had made a favorable impression. He was taken into +Mr. Harris' family, and assiduously nursed during an indisposition +which lasted more than two months. This circumstance +appeased his roving disposition for a time, and he remained upon +the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two years, making +himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of an agriculturist. +In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where +he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure +returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, +and traveling through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was +finally checked in his career at Pittsburg, where he undertook +the management of a hotel. This business not being congenial, +he soon sold out the establishment, and returned to Philadelphia. +He shortly afterwards started away on a theatrical tour, which +extended through most of the Southern States, and into Texas. +In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of adventures, +saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing +experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in +his literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his +roving desires, he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon +his previous visit, he had become subject to a new attraction, +the most powerful which could be found to restrain his wandering +impulses. He had become acquainted with a worthy young lady, +to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he was married.</p> + +<p>This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. +His wild, bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how +it was possible for him who had been educated to no regular business, +to find the means of support for himself and family. Believing +himself to have some literary capacity, he was induced to go to +Pittsburg, in order to commence a newspaper in partnership with +U. J. Jones. This enterprise was not a successful one, and with +his companion he went to Cincinnati, where he enlisted in another +newspaper speculation. The result of that attempt was equally +unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly then removed +with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal devoted +to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled +"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the +publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having +a store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there +not being very successful, the partnership in that branch of their +concern was dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and +periodical store nearly opposite. This was about the year 1844. +"The Archer" was soon after discontinued, and Mr. K. returned +to Philadelphia. About this time he commenced writing contributions +for various newspapers, under the signature of "Falconbridge." +His essays in this line, which were published in the +"New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much favor, +and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The +reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a +fair way to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His +sketches were in demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices +were remunerative, and enabled him to attain a degree of domestic +comfort which he had before that time not known. From +Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he hoped to find permanent +employment as an editor. During six months he relied +upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York, +from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from +Paige & Davis, if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." +He filled the editorial chair of that paper for two years, +when it was discontinued. He had now plenty to do, and was +constantly engaged upon sketches for the "Yankee Blade," +"The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other journals and +magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack Humphries," +"O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this +time he projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published +in Boston. It was really one of the most handsome and humorous +journals ever commenced in the United States, but it was +very expensive. After some months' trial, "The Aurora Borealis" +was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a general +literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was induced +to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, +Mass., entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, +after six months trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to +continue it, and Mr. Kelly returned with his family to Boston. +Whilst in that city, he had the misfortune to lose his eldest son, +a fine promising boy about five years and four months old; he +died after a sickness of between two and three days. Mr. Kelly +was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate father. He +doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, that +it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would +eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel +Houston, of Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers +if he would establish himself in that State. He left Boston for +the purpose, but was detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of +another favorite child. Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was +made him to undertake the editorship of "The New York Dutchman." +He remained in that position about four months, when +still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct "The +Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he +reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in +the discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he +had become associated with the American party; and induced by +those promises which politicians make freely, and perform rarely, +he left the journal to which he was attached, to establish a paper +entitled "The American Platform." But two numbers of this +effort were published. Whilst his writings were lively and flowing, +he was sick at heart. The loss of his son still weighed on his +mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He was attacked +by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, after +twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to +mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring +Grove Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful +garden of the dead, no form whose impulses in life were more +honest, generous, and noble, than those which guided the actions +of Jonathan F. Kelly.</p> + +<p>The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by +his literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the +information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the +duty he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the +fitful career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it +may well be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not +more certain of success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance +in any one calling, with a steady determination to turn +aside for no collateral inducements, and a patience which does not +become discouraged at the first disappointment, is necessary to +the ultimate prosperity of every man. The newspaper business +is one which particularly requires constant application, a determination +to do the best in the present, and a firm reliance upon +success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or newspaper +in the United States, which has succeeded without passing through +severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether +it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely +to become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in +early life seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of +instability. Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, +he was led to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered +in, would probably have been triumphant. His life was a +constant series of changes, in which ill-luck seems to have continually +triumphed, because ill-luck was not sufficiently striven with. +In all these mutations, it will be the solace of those who knew and +loved him, that however his judgment may have led him astray +from worldly advantage, his heart was always constant to his +family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was true to +them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every disadvantage. +Altering his position—at times an editor—at times an +assistant-editor—anon changing his business as new hopes were +roused in his bosom—and then being a mere writer, depending +upon the sale of his fugitive sketches for the means of support—in +all these experiments with Fortune, he was ever true to the +fond spirit which gently ruled at home. For the great purposes, +and high moral lessons of existence, a faithful, constant heart +has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can be bought with gold.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS.</h2> + +<table style="width:90%" summary='Table of Contents'> +<tr><td style="width:80%"> </td><td class='r'>PAGE</td></tr> + +<tr><td>If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning,</td><td class='r'><a href="#in_the_Morning">33</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Don't you believe in 'em,</td><td class='r'><a href="#believe_in_em">37</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Old Black Bull,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Old_Black_Bull">38</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Dobbs makes "a Pint,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#makes_a_Pint">42</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Used up,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Used_Up">43</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Greatest Moral Engine,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Greatest_Moral_Engine">50</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Story of Capt. Paul,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_Capt_Paul">51</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Hereditary Complaints,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Hereditary_Complaints">58</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Nights with the Caucusers,</td><td class='r'><a href="#with_the_Caucusers">59</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Affecting Cruelty,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Affecting_Cruelty">64</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Wolf Slayer,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Wolf_Slayer">65</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Man that knew 'em All,</td><td class='r'><a href="#knew_em_All">74</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A severe Spell of Sickness,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Spell_of_Sickness">79</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Race of the Aldermen,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_the_Aldermen">80</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Getting Square,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Getting_Square">85</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>People do differ,</td><td class='r'><a href="#People_Do_Differ">89</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Whiffletrees_Dental_Experience">90</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A-a-a-in't they Thick?</td><td class='r'><a href="#A-a-a-int_they_Thick">96</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A desperate Race,</td><td class='r'><a href="#A_Desperate_Race">101</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Dodging the Responsibility,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Dodging_the_Responsibility">107</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A Night Adventure in Prairie Land,</td><td class='r'><a href="#in_Prairie_Land">108</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Roosting Out,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Roosting_Out">114</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Rather Twangy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Rather_Twangy">119</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Passing around the Fodder,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Around_the_Fodder">120</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A Hint to Soyer,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Hint_to_Soyer">123</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Leg of Mutton,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Leg_of_Mutton">124</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A Chapter on Misers,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Chapter_on_Misers">129</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Dog Day,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Dog_Day">133</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Amateur Gardening,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Amateur_Gardening">138</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The two Johns at the Tremont,</td><td class='r'><a href="#at_the_Tremont">139</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Yankee in a Boarding School,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_Boarding_School">144</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A dreadful State of Excitement,</td><td class='r'><a href="#State_of_Excitement">149</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Ralph Waldo Emerson,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Ralph_Waldo_Emerson">154</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Humbug,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Humbug">158</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Hotel keeping,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Hotel_Keeping">159</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"According to Gunter,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#According_to_Gunter">164</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Quartering upon Friends,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Quartering_upon_Friends">165</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Jake Hinkle's Failings,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Jake_Hinkles_Failings">174</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>What's going to Happen,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Going_to_Happen">176</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Washerwoman's Windfall,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Washerwomans_Windfall">177</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>We don't Wonder at it,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Wonder_at_It">181</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Horse_Bonny_Doon">182</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Getting into the "Right Pew,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Right_Pew">187</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A circuitous Route,</td><td class='r'><a href="#A_Circuitous_Route">192</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Season_at_Saratoga">193</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Old Jack Ringbolt,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Old_Jack_Ringbolt">198</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Who killed Capt. Walker?</td><td class='r'><a href="#Killed_Capt_Walker">199</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Practical Philosophy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Practical_Philosophy">203</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_Ballet_Girl">204</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Legal Advice,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Legal_Advice">209</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Wonders of the Day,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_the_Day">213</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"Don't know you, Sir!"</td><td class='r'><a href="#Know_You_Sir">214</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A circumlocutory Egg Pedler,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Circumlocutory_Egg_Pedler">219</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Jolly old Times,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Jolly_Old_Times">223</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Pigeon Express Man,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Pigeon_Express_Man">224</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Jipson's great Dinner Party,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Great_Dinner_Party">229</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Look out for them Lobsters,</td><td class='r'><a href="#for_them_Lobsters">236</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Fitzfaddles at Hull,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Fitzfaddles_at_Hull">241</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Putting me on a Platform!</td><td class='r'><a href="#on_a_Platform">247</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The exorbitancy of Meanness,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Exorbitancy_of_Meanness">251</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"Taking down" a Sheriff,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Down_a_Sheriff">252</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire,</td><td class='r'><a href="#First_Coal_Fire">257</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Sure Cure,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Sure_Cure">261</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Chasing a fugitive Subscriber,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_Fugitive_Subscriber">262</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Ambition,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Ambition">266</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Fixed_the_Tale-Bearer">267</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Penalty of kissing your own Wife,</td><td class='r'><a href="#your_own_Wife">272</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Miseries_of_Housekeeping">274</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Miseries of a Dandy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_a_Dandy">279</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A juvenile Joe Miller,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Juvenile_Joe_Miller">284</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"Selling" a Landlord,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Selling_a_Landlord">285</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Scientific Labor,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Scientific_Labor">288</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Who was that poor Woman?</td><td class='r'><a href="#that_Poor_Woman">289</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Infirmities of Nature,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Infirmities_of_Nature">293</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Andrew Jackson and his Mother,</td><td class='r'><a href="#and_his_Mother">294</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Snaking out Sturgeons,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Snaking_out_Sturgeons">299</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Mixing Meanings—Mangling English,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Meanings_Mangling_English">301</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Waking up the wrong Passenger,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Wrong_Passenger">302</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Genius for Business,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Genius_for_Business">306</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Have you got any old Boots?</td><td class='r'><a href="#Any_Old_Boots">307</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Vagaries of Nature,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Vagaries_of_Nature">312</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A general disquisition on "Hinges,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#Disquisition_on_Hinges">317</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Miseries of Bachelorhood,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Miseries_of_Bachelorhood">321</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Science of Diddling,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Science_of_Diddling">322</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The re-union; Thanksgiving Story,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Thanksgiving_Story">324</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Cabbage <i>vs.</i> Men,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Cabbage_vs_Men">330</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Wanted—A young Man from the Country,</td><td class='r'><a href="#from_the_Country">331</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Presence of Mind,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Presence_of_Mind">336</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Skipper's Schooner,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Skippers_Schooner">337</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Philosophy of the Times,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_the_Times">340</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Emperor and the Poor Author,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Poor_Author">341</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The bigger fool, the better Luck,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Better_Luck">352</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>An active Settlement,</td><td class='r'><a href="#An_Active_Settlement">356</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A Yankee in a Pork-house,</td><td class='r'><a href="#in_a_Pork-house">357</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>German Caution,</td><td class='r'><a href="#German_Caution">361</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Great_Dog_Sell">362</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Perils of Wealth,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Perils_of_Wealth">367</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Nursing a Legacy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Nursing_a_Legacy">372</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Troubles of a Mover,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_a_Mover">377</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Question Settled,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Question_Settled">382</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>How it's done at the Astor House,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Astor_House">383</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Advertisement,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Advertisement">387</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Fortune-Hunters_Life">400</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>A Distinction with a Difference,</td><td class='r'><a href="#with_a_Difference">408</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Pills and Persimmons,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Pills_and_Persimmons">409</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_City_Editor">414</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Tribulations of Incivility,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Tribulations_of_Incivility">415</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The Broomstick Marriage,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Broomstick_Marriage">420</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Appearances are Deceitful,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Appearances_are_Deceitful">427</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Cigar Smoke,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Cigar_Smoke">431</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>An everlasting tall Duel,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Everlasting_Tall_Duel">432</a></td></tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<h2><a id='ILLUSTRATIONS' name='ILLUSTRATIONS'></a>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + +<table style="width:90%" summary='List of Illustrations'> +<tr><td style="width:80%"> </td><td class='r'>PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td>"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?"</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo002"><i>frontispiece</i></a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"Go—goo—good Lord-d d! Ho—ho—hol—hold on!"</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo001">92</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?"</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo003">99</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..."</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo004">169</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"Shet up, you piratin' cuss you..."</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo005">305</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo006">393</a></td></tr> +</table> + +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<h2 style="font-size:175%;letter-spacing:3px;line-height:1.25em;">THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE.</h2> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="in_the_Morning" id="in_the_Morning"></a>If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!</h2> + + +<p>A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at +Beltzhoover's Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years +ago, and after dining very sumptuously every day, drinking his +Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and smoking his "Tras," +"Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began to +surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk +foot it up and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan, +who, casting his eye over the long lines of perpendicularly +arranged figures, discovered that—which in no wise +alarmed him, however—he was in for a matter of a cool C!</p> + +<p>"Ah! yes, I see; <i>well</i>, I presume it's all right, all correct, +sir, no doubt about it," says Don Cæsar.</p> + +<p>"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,—"we +seldom present a bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to +leave, sir; but when the bills are unusually large, sir—"</p> + +<p>"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"—says the Don—"bless +your soul, you don't call <i>that</i> large? Why, sir, a—a—that +is, when I was in Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, +bless you, I frequently had my friends of the Senate and +the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you suppose +my bills averaged a week, there, sir?"</p> + +<p>"I can't possibly say, sir—must have counted up very +<i>heavy</i>, sir, I think," responds the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were <i>heavy</i>, +my dear fellow—<i>five and eight hundred dollars a week!</i>" +says the Don, with a nonchalance that would win the admiration +of a flash prince of the realm.</p> + +<p>"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep +company, and entertain the government officers, at Washington, +sir," the clerk replies.</p> + +<p>"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let +me see," and here the Don stuck a little glass in the corner +of his eye, and glanced at the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51—a—a—something—all +right, I presume; if it ain't right, +<i>we'll make it all right in the morning</i>."</p> + +<p>"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, +about to bow himself out of the room.</p> + +<p>"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux +of yours is really superb. A friend dined here yesterday +with me—he is a—a gentleman who imports a—a great +deal of wine; he a—a—pronounces your Schreider an elegant +article. I shall entertain some friends to-night, here, +and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' +and 'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a +pure article, and a—a I wish them to have a—a good +opinion of your house. Understand?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" +says the Don Cæsar, as the official vanished.</p> + +<p>"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" +asks the host of the clerk, as they met at "the office."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right +in the morning, sir," replies the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Very well," says the anxious host; "<i>see that he +does it</i>."</p> + +<p>That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Cæsar—a +servant carried up the card—Captain Jones was requested +to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U. S. N., next called—"walk +up." Dr. Brown called—"walk up." Col. Green, +his card—"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight +distinguished persons were walked up to Don Cæsar's private +parlor; and pretty soon the silver necks were brought +up, corks were popping, glasses were clinking, jests and +laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don Cæsar +was putting his friends through in the most approved style!</p> + +<p>Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the +party a bit of a salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a +sentiment, while Colonel Green and Lieutenant Smith +talked largely of the "last session," what <i>their</i> friend +Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and +what Bill Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the +French Minister's daughter, what she had privately intimated +to Lieutenant Smith in regard to American ladies, +and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say for +Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the +corks "popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry +jest, and the laugh jocund, and the rich sentiment, and +richer fumes of the cigars filled the room.</p> + +<p>Don Cæsar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each +bottle was uncorked, he assured the servants—"All right; +if it ain't all right, <i>we'll make it all right in the morning!</i>"</p> + +<p>And so Don Cæsar and his <i>bon vivant</i> friends went it, +until some two dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and +Sherry had decanted, and the whole entire party were getting +as merry as grigs, and so noisy and rip-roarious, +that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing +outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Cæsar, to politely +request that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.</p> + +<p>"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a +buzzing in my ears, and can't hear whispers."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies +the servant, in a sharp key.</p> + +<p>"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins—hic—what does +he—hic—does he want? Tell—hic—tell him it's—hic—all +right, or we'll make it all right—hic—<i>in the morning</i>."</p> + +<p>Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, +and slipping up to Don Cæsar, assured him that himself +and friends were <i>a little too merry</i>, but Don Cæsar assured Tompkins—</p> + +<p>"It's all—hic—right, mi boy, all—hic—right; these gentlemen—hic—are +all <i>gentlemen</i>, my—hic—personal friends—hic—and +it's all right—hic—all perfectly—hic—right, or +we'll make it all right in the morning."</p> + +<p>"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but +there are many persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll +disturb, sir; I speak for the credit of the house."</p> + +<p>"O—hic—certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll—hic—I'll +speak to the gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, +and assuming a very solemn graveness, peculiar to men in +the fifth stage of libation deep; "Gentlemen—hic—<i>gentle</i>men, +I'm requested to state—hic—that—hic—a very <i>serious</i> +piece of intelligence—hic—has met my ear. This <i>gentle</i>man—hic—says +somebody's dead in the next—hic—room."</p> + +<p>"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Beg—hic—your pardon, sir—hic—it's all right; if it +ain't all right, I'll make it—hic—<i>all right in the morning!</i> +Gentlemen, let's—hic—us all adjourn; let's change the see—hic—scene, +call a coach—hic—somebody, let's take a ride—hic—and +return and go to—hic—our pious—hic—rest."</p> + +<p>Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Cæsar +arose on his pins, and marshalling his party, after a general +swap of hats all around, in which trade big heads got +smallest hats, and small heads got largest hats, by aid of +the staircase and the servants, they all got to the street, and +lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a midnight +airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land +cruise. The last words uttered by Don Cæsar, there, as +the coach drove off, were:</p> + +<p>"All right—hic—mi boy, if it ain't, <i>we'll make it all +right in the morning!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't +stick you into a bill of costs '<i>in the morning</i>,' rot me. +You'll have a nice time," he continued, "out carousing +till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in the fire-proof, +the jackass would be robbed before he got back, +<i>and I'd lose my bill!</i>"</p> + +<p>Don Cæsar did not return to make good his promise <i>in +the morning</i>, and so the landlord took the liberty of investigating +the wallet, deposited for safe keeping in the fire-proof +of the office, by the Don; and lo! and behold! it +contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few samples +of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:—"All +right, if it ain't all right, <span class="smcap">we'll make it all right in the morning</span>!"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="believe_in_em" id="believe_in_em"></a>Don't you believe in 'em?</h2> + + +<p>We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. +Every now and then you run afoul of somebody who does +not believe in spiritual knockers. Enter any of our drinking +saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on for an +hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" +and if you are any longer skeptical upon the <i>spirit</i>-ual manifestations +as exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and +thickness of the tongue of the <i>mediums</i>,—education would +be thrown away on you.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Old_Black_Bull" id="Old_Black_Bull"></a>The Old Black Bull</h2> + + +<p>It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel +now and then, from the kitchen to the parlor, in church +and state. Even the fathers of the holy tabernacle are not +proof against this little weakness; for people will have +passions, people will belong to meetin', and people will +let their passions <i>rise</i>, even under the pulpit. But we have +no distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, +but properly interpreted <i>letter</i>, to settle a chuckly +"plug muss," so efficiently and happily as the case we have +in point.</p> + +<p>Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President +<i>Chauncey</i>) was a minister of the gospel, and one of +the best <i>edicated</i> men of his day in the wooden nutmeg +State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan Trumbull +was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the +first <i>settled</i> minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, +Connecticut. It was with him, as afterwards with good +old brother Jonathan (Governor Trumbull, the bosom +friend of General Washington), good to confer on almost +any matter, scientific, political, or religious—any subject, +in short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned +was the issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, +and <i>good</i> counselor, he was "looked up to," and abided by.</p> + +<p>It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's +vicinity got to loggerheads, and were upon the apex of +raising "the evil one" instead of a spire to their church, as +they proposed and <i>split</i> upon. The very nearest they could +come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to appoint +a <i>committee</i> of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state +their <i>case</i>, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the +old gentleman, and he listened with grave attention to their +conflicting grievances.</p> + +<p>"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this +is a very simple case—a very trifling thing to cause you so +much vexation."</p> + +<p>"So I say," says one of the <i>committee</i>.</p> + +<p>"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another.</p> + +<p>"No case at all," responded the third.</p> + +<p>"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker.</p> + +<p>"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third.</p> + +<p>"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed +number two, "to expect to raise the minister's salary and +that new steeple, too, out of our small congregation."</p> + +<p>"There is no danger of raising much out of <i>you</i>, anyhow, +Mr. Johnson," spitefully returned number one.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, if you please—" beseechingly interposed the sage.</p> + +<p>"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one.</p> + +<p>"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson.</p> + +<p>"Not me, anyway," number three replies.</p> + +<p>"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen!—gentlemen!—"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old +Winkles, too, and here's Deacon Potter, also."</p> + +<p>"I <i>am</i> here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry +the Reverend Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!"</p> + +<p>"Now, gentlemen, <i>brothers</i>, if you please," said Mr. +Bulkley, "this is ridiculous,—"</p> + +<p>"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles.</p> + +<p>"As far as <i>you</i> are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon.</p> + +<p>This brought Mr. Winkles <i>up</i>, standing.</p> + +<p>"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!"</p> + +<p>"But my dear <i>sirs</i>—" beseechingly said the philosopher.</p> + +<p>"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man—too +good a Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, +despicable <i>toad</i>, like Deacon Potter—"</p> + +<p>"Do you call me—<i>me</i> a despicable <i>toad</i>?" menacingly +cried the deacon.</p> + +<p>"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you +in your difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering."</p> + +<p>"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson.</p> + +<p>"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when +a man calls me a toad, a mean, despicable <i>toad</i>—"</p> + +<p>"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are +all too excited now; go home again, and wait patiently; +on Saturday evening next, I will have prepared and sent to +you a written opinion of your case, with a full and free +avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church +from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the +committee left, to await his issue.</p> + +<p>Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some +distance from the town of Colchester, and found it necessary, +the same day he wrote his opinion and advice to the +brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a line to his +farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having +written a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his +brethren, he wound up the day's literary exertions with a +despatch to the farmer, and after a reverie to himself, +he directs the two documents, and next morning despatches +them to their several destinations.</p> + +<p>On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the +belligerent churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and +punctually, as promised, came the despatch from the Plato +of the time and place,—Rev. John Bulkley. All was quiet +and respectful attention. The moderator took up the document, +broke the seal, opened and—a pause ensued, while +dubious amazement seemed to spread over the features of +the worthy president of the meeting.</p> + +<p>"Well, brother Temple, how is it—what does Mr. Bulkley +say?" and another pause followed.</p> + +<p>"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice.</p> + +<p>The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off +his spectacles, wiped the glasses, then his lips—replaced his +specs upon his nose, and with a very broad <i>grin</i>, said:</p> + +<p>"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, +to say the least of it!"</p> + +<p>"Well, read it—read it," responded the wondering hearers.</p> + +<p>"I will," and the moderator began:</p> + +<p>"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be +built high and strong, and you will take special care <i>of +the old Black Bull</i>."</p> + +<p>There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread +the community; the moderator dropped the paper to a +"rest," and gazing over the top of his glasses for several +minutes, nobody saying a word.</p> + +<p>"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length.</p> + +<p>"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter.</p> + +<p>"Take special care <i>of the old Black Bull!</i>" growled half +the meeting.</p> + +<p>Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor +in mute mystery.</p> + +<p>A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing +his voice with a hem, he spoke:</p> + +<p>"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent +words of our learned adviser. To me nothing could be +more appropriate to our case. It is just such a profound +and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and +looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. +The direction to repair the fences, is to take heed in the +admission and government of our members; we must guard +the church by our Master's laws, and keep out stray and +vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a +trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, +who is the devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures +and sought to desolate and lay waste the fair +grounds of our church!"</p> + +<p>The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw +and <i>took</i> the force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and +unanimously resolved to be governed by it; hence the old +black bull was put <i>hors du combat</i>, and the church preserved its union!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="makes_a_Pint" id="makes_a_Pint"></a>Dobbs makes "a Pint."</h2> + + +<p>Dobbs walked into a <i>Dry Goodery</i>, on Court street, and +began to look around. A double <i>jinted</i> clerk immediately +appeared to Dobbs.</p> + +<p>"What can I <i>do</i> for you, sir?" says he.</p> + +<p>"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't."</p> + +<p>"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I <i>can</i>."</p> + +<p>"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs.</p> + +<p>"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute <i>nod</i>.</p> + +<p>"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple +of dollars' wuth of yur stuffs!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Lost</i>, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence."</p> + +<p>"Thank you; call again when I want to <i>trade!</i>" says Dobbs.</p> + +<p>"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," +says the clerk, "no how."</p> + +<p>Polite young man that—as soon as his chin vegetates, +provided his dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the +gals, Dobbs thinks!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Used_Up" id="Used_Up"></a>Used Up.</h2> + + +<p>I am tempted to believe, that few—very few men can start +in the world—say at twenty, with a replete invoice of +honesty, free and easy—kind, generous—good-natured disposition, +and keep it up, until they greet their fortieth +year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men—I hope there +are, who <i>would</i> be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted, +if they <i>could</i>, with any degree of consistency; and I know +there are multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or +manly trait, of any human description, if they could. +That class thrive best, it appears to me—if the accumulation +of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or Scriptural +interpretation of that sense—in this sublunary world. +Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty +lose, hence the more thrift to the former, and the less gain, +pecuniarily considered, to the latter. The subject is very +prolific, and as my present purpose is as much to point a +humorous <i>sketch</i> as to adorn a <i>moral</i>, I needs must cut +speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend +John Jenks, an emphatic—"used up" good fellow.</p> + +<p>Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of +himself and the rest of mankind. No man ever started +with a larger capital of good nature, human benevolence, +and common honesty, than honest John. Few men ever +started with better general prospects, for "a good time," +and plenty of it, than Jenks. He <i>graduated</i> with honor to +himself and the Institute of his native State, and with but +little knowledge beyond the college library and the social +circles of his immediate friends. At twenty-three, John +Jenks went into business on his own hook.</p> + +<p>Of course John soon formed various and many business +acquaintances; he learned that men were brothers—should +love, honor, and respect one another, from precepts set him +at his father's fireside. He formed the opinion, that this +brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of business, +for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned +his <i>autograph</i> and purse to his business acquaintances; but, +being backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt +the necessity of claiming like accommodation, or he would +have gotten his eye teeth cut cheaper and sooner.</p> + +<p>"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting +room one September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, +have <i>stopped</i>—gone to smash!"</p> + +<p>"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks.</p> + +<p>"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by +them," replied the informant. "By the way, Barclay says +you have some of their <i>paper</i> on hand; is it true?" continued +the man.</p> + +<p>"I have some, not much," answered Jenks—"not enough +at all events to create any alarm as to their willingness or +ability to take it up."</p> + +<p>But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably +larger amount of Perkins & Ball's <i>paper</i> on +hand, than an experienced business man might have contemplated +with entire Christian resignation. The gazette, +in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the <i>smash</i> +of the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz +"on 'change;" those losers by the <i>smash</i> were bitter in +their denunciatory remarks, while those gaining by the transaction +snickered in their sleeves and kept mum. Jenks +heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm +were <i>smashed</i> by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, +they were getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and +private vituperation, without his aid. Though far from his +thoughts of entering into such "lists," and inclined to hold +on and see how things come out—Jenks, for the credit of +common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by +discounting, &c.—he was likely to be <i>in</i> for, if P. & B. +were really "done gone." This resolve, like some <i>rules</i>, +worked both ways.</p> + +<p>As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave +his commercial institution, after the above occurrences had +had some ten days' <i>grace</i>; one evening, the senior partner +of the house of Perkins & Ball came in. Greetings were +cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's discourse +took place between the merchants; which, in brief +transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks +received a two-third indemnification on all <i>his</i> liabilities <i>for</i> +the <i>smashed</i> house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured +him, arose from the fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly +forbearance in not joining the clamor against them, in the +adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had reason +to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. +Jenks "hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or +even doubtful side of humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or +Christian kindness; they shook hands and parted; the +senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and Jenks +agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the +honor of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now +almost extinguished credit. Those who fought the bankrupt +merchants most got the least, and because Jenks preserved +an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that he +was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were +staggered at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good +nature. This latter result seemed the most popular and +accepted notion of Jenks' character, and proved the ground-work +of his pecuniary destruction.</p> + +<p>The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, +on all occasions, spoken in the most favorable terms of the +firm; he not only freely endorsed again for them, but stood +their <i>referee</i> generally. In the meantime, Jenks' celebrity +for good nature and open-heartedness had drawn around +him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became +a circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. +If Brown was short in his cash account, five hundred or a +thousand dollars——</p> + +<p>"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask +him to favor me with a check until the middle of the week." +It was done.</p> + +<p>"Terms—thirty days with good endorsed paper," was +sufficient for the adventurous Smith to <i>buy</i> and depend on +Jenks' <i>autograph</i> to <i>secure</i> the goods. When in funds, +Bingle went where he chose; when a little <i>short</i>, Jenks had +his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts +of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects +of them began to revolve upon him—if not mortified or +ashamed of his "bargains," he at least was astounded at +the results. Brown, whose due bills or memorandums +Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand dollars, accommodation +<i>loans</i>, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's +day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly +learned that Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of +deferred bankruptcy, when the first rumor reached him that +Smith had <i>bolted</i>, after a heavy transaction in "woolens"—Jenks +his principal endorser—Smith not leaving assets or +assigns to the amount of one red farthing.</p> + +<p>"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously +seated himself in his back counting room—"that's shabby in +Smith—very shabby."</p> + +<p>The next morning's Gazette informed the community +that Bingle had failed—liabilities over $200,000—prospects +barely giving hopes of ten per cent, all around; and even +this hope, upon Jenks' investigation, proved a forlorn one; +by a <i>modus operandi</i> peculiar to the heartless, self-devoted, +<i>they</i> got all, Jenks and the <i>few</i> of his ilk, got nothing!</p> + +<p>For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily +moody. For the first time, in the course of his mercantile +career, of some six years, the force of reflection convinced +him, that he had not acted his part judiciously, however +"well done" it might be, in point of honor and manliness.</p> + +<p>The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts +in general with the business world. He found things a +great deal "mixed up;" his balance-sheet exhibited large +surplusages accumulated on the score of his leniency and +good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held +business relations. A council of war, or expediency, +rather,—<i>solus</i>, convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his +business qualifications, or formed a very vague idea of the +soul—manners and customs of the business world; and +he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser man.</p> + +<p>"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very +disagreeable thing, very disagreeable thing: <i>make an assignment!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" +that individual muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his +hotel. And ere he reached his plate, at the tea-table, a +servant whispered that a gentleman with a message was +out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Jenks—John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the +person, as poor Jenks, now on the <i>tapis</i> for more ill news, +approached the person in waiting.</p> + +<p>"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded.</p> + +<p>"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable +business with you, Mr. Jenks; <i>I hold your arrest!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?"</p> + +<p>"There's the writ, sir; you can read it."</p> + +<p>"A <i>writ</i>? Why, God bless you, man, I don't <i>owe</i> a +dollar in the world, but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's <i>felony!</i>"</p> + +<p>If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the +effect upon his nervous system could not have been more startling +or powerful. But he recovered his self-possession, and +learned with dismay, that he was arrested—yes, <i>arrested</i> as +an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and general villany, +on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by +those most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced +Smith "good," and endorsed for him in sums +total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual ability to make good!</p> + +<p>It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever +dreamed of doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all +liabilities of his own and others, for whom he kindly become +responsible; for when the <i>bulk</i> of Smith's <i>paper</i> with Jenks' +endorsement was thrust at him, he gave in; saw clearly that +he was the victim of a heartless <i>forger</i>.</p> + +<p>But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, +and he rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting +the bright future of to-morrow, when his established +character, and "troops of friends" should set all right. +But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his host; to-morrow +came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their +far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, +they deserted it!</p> + +<p>"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very +<i>deep</i> man," said one.</p> + +<p>"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another.</p> + +<p>"I told him he was <i>green</i> to endorse as freely as he did," +echoed a third.</p> + +<p>"Good fellow," chimed a fourth—"but devilish imprudent."</p> + +<p>"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and +so the good but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his +"troops of friends!"</p> + +<p>But Perkins & Ball—they had got up again, were flourishing; +they, Jenks felt satisfied, would not show the +"white feather," and the thought came to him, in his +prison, as <i>merrily</i> as the reverse of that fond hope made +him <i>sad</i> and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney +informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing +situation, but proffered him no aid or comfort. +They said, sad experience had shown them, that there were +no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the fallen; +men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to +defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; <i>they</i> had done so; +Mr. Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes +with a stout heart and a clear conscience, and profit, as +they had, <i>by reverses!</i></p> + +<p>"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "<i>profit</i> by reverses +as <i>they</i> have!"</p> + +<p>"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you +know that if I had been a tithe part as base and conscienceless +as they are <i>now</i>, Perkins & Ball would be beggars, +if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my casting +vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I +had hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, +generous and just, friends enough for all practical purposes, +without carrying my business difficulties to the fireside of +my parents and other relations. But that I must do now; +if, <i>if they fail me, then—— I cave!</i>"</p> + +<p>Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the +merchant, "honest John" learned, with sorrow, that his +father was dead; estate involved, and his friends at home +in no favorable mood in reference to what they heard of +John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city.</p> + +<p>John Jenks—heard no more—he "caved!" as he agreed to.</p> + +<p>We pass over Jenks' <i>Smithsonian</i> difficulty, which a prudent +lawyer and discerning jury brought out all right.</p> + +<p>We come to 1850—some fifteen or eighteen years after +John Jenks "caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been +ruined by his good nature, set adrift moneyless, in a manner, +with even a spotted reputation to begin with; he "profited +by his reverses," he was now a man of family—fifty, +fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish +man you ever saw!</p> + +<p>Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely—"<i>used +up!</i>" The reader may affix the <i>moral</i> of my sketch—at leisure.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Greatest_Moral_Engine" id="Greatest_Moral_Engine"></a>The Greatest Moral Engine.</h2> + + +<p>Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more +potent and powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons +and soda water," law, logic, and prison discipline, +ever started. All a man wants, while he <i>has</i> a chance to be +honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good situation and +two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he gets +lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he +is sure to cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, +become a <i>roue</i>, or a rotten politician. A poor +man, in misery, applies to God for consolation, while a rich +man applies to his banker, and tries on a "bender," or goes +on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and French +license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a +thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing +moral rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And +how faithful, too, is poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it +sticks to a man after all his friends and the rest of mankind +have deserted him!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="of_Capt_Paul" id="of_Capt_Paul"></a>The Story of Capt. Paul.</h2> + + +<p>I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I +have passed ten happy and partly pleasant years travelling +over the immense tracts of land of the West and South. I +have, during that time, garnered up endless themes for my +pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep a +"log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I +always noted the occurrences that transpired with me or +others, when of interest, and opportunities were favorable +to do so.</p> + +<p>Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a +small village on the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to +touch there and take me up to Louisville, Ky. It was in +the fall of the year, water was very low, and but few boats +running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and ammunition +and started down along the river to amuse myself, +and kill time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after +strolling along until noon, I got tired and came out to the +river to see if any boats were in sight, as well as take shelter +from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I sought +an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage +made my shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I +sat down, bending my eyes along the placid, quiet and +noble river, until I was quite lost in silent reverie. The +rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep approaching +from the woods behind, and at the same moment +a rough, curly dog came smelling along towards me. The +dog came up to within a few rods of me and stopped, +took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But my +further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a +tall, gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western +woodsman, jean trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt +hat, rifle, powder horn, bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He +was an old man, face sallow and wrinkled, and hair quite +a steelish hue.</p> + +<p>"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?"</p> + +<p>I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my +shelter. Having taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk +of a small tree, the old man, half to himself and partly to +me, sighed—</p> + +<p>"Ah! yes, yes, <i>our</i> day is fast gwoin over; an entire +new set of folks will soon people this country, and the old +settler will be all gone, and no more thought of."</p> + +<p>"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you +are an old settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes +here in the Ohio Valley?"</p> + +<p>"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I +have seen wonderful changes since I first squatted 'yer, +thirty-five years ago. Every thing changes about one so, +that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer they've +brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off +the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar +towns and thar store houses, and thar nice farm houses, +and keep up sich a clatter and noise among 'em all, that +one fond of our old quiet times in the woods, goes nigh +bein' distracted with these new matters and folks."</p> + +<p>"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have +to do as the Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, +when the advancing axe of civilization, and the mighty +steam and steel arms of enterprise and improvement make +the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and clamorous +with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and +wealth, you must <i>fall back</i>. Our territories are boundless, +and there are yet dense forests, woods, and wilds, where +the Indian, lone hunter, and solitary beast, shall rove amid +the wild grandeur of God's infinite space for a century yet +to come."</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up +stakes and rolled before this sweeping tide of new settlers, +only I can't bar to leave this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't +bar to do it."</p> + +<p>"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for +old homes, a lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final +resting place, near a spot and objects that life and familiarity +made dear."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down +thar—thar's what makes this spot dear to me—thar, do you +see yon little hillock—yon little mound? Thar's what keeps +old Tom Ward 'yer for life."</p> + +<p>The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, +as he wiped the moisture from his eyes with the back of his +hand. I gazed down towards the spot he had called my +attention to, and there I beheld, indeed, something resembling +a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed +around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small +stake at the foot.</p> + +<p>"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question, +and the Lord knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell +the sad story of that lonely grave. Well, well, it's no use +to grieve always, the red whelps have paid well for thar +doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to repent—the +Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily echoed—"Amen!"</p> + +<p>"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago, +I left Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio +valley. I well remember the first glimpse I got of this +stream; it war a big stream to me, and I gloried in the +sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its +banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats +about; but I like the steamboats—thar grand creatures, +and go it like high-mettled horses. Well, I war a +young man then; me and my brother and our old mother +joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in our +goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower +part thar of Kentucky.</p> + +<p>"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman, +though he war a young man; he had a wife and several fine, +growin' children along with us, and our journey for many +days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's wife's sister +war along with us, a fine young creature she war too. +My brother and her I always carc'lated would make a +match of it when we reached our journey's end; but poor +Ben, God bless the boy, he little dreampt he'd be cut +off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his bones 'yer to +rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should +ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me +now, stranger."</p> + +<p>"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I, +encouraging the old man to proceed in his narrative, +"and no doubt shoot as well and see as keenly and far as ever?"</p> + +<p>"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my +hand begins to tremble sometimes, and I'm failing—yes, +yes, I know I'm failing. But, to go on with my story: I +acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were yet pretty full +of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the river +in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally +fighting. I won't say which war to blame; the whites killed +the creatures off fast enough, and the Ingins took plenty of +scalps and war cruel to the white man whenever they fastened on him.</p> + +<p>"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose +boards served as a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few +planks spiked to the sides 'bove water, kept the swells from +rollin' in on us. Two black boys helped the captain and I +to manage the boat, and an old black woman waited on the +wimin folks and did the cooking.</p> + +<p>"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the +narrator, pointing his long, bony finger towards a great +bend, and a point on the Kentucky side of the stream.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly."</p> + +<p>"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a +pleasant day, that we came drifting along with our flat-boat, +or <i>broad horn</i>, as they were called in them days, +when Captain Paul said he thought it would be a snug +place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big +trees yet standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben +and I concluded too, it would be a clever place to camp for +the night; so we headed the boat in—for, you see, we +always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as possible, +to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty +heap of depredations upon the movers and river traders, +by decoyin' the boat on shore, or layin' in ambush and +firin' their rifles at the incautious folks in the boats that got +too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black boys, rowed +enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the +Ingins, as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just +thar; mother war gettin' out the supper things, and Captain +Paul's wife and sister were nestling away the children. +Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the shore thar, +I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot—</p> + +<p>"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain.</p> + +<p>"'Hold on your oars,' says I—'boys, I don't like that—it +'tain't a deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I.</p> + +<p>"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank—another +slight noise—the bushes moved, and I sung out—'Ingins, +by the Lord! back the boat, back, boys, back!'</p> + +<p>"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but +before we could get way on the boat, a band of the bloody +devils rushed out and gave us a volley of shouts and +shower of balls, that made these hills and river banks echo +again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into +the bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children +were killed, his wife wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap +off my head.</p> + +<p>"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach +of the Ingins. They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin' +war party; they could not reach us. The wounded horses +and cows kicked and plunged among the goods, the wimin +and children screamed.</p> + +<p>"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember +to my dyin' day, as it war only yesterday I saw and +heard it. It war now dark, the boat half filled with water, +my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless hangin' over his +wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still +clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this +side of the river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and +frightened senses allowed 'em.</p> + +<p>"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his +head in her lap; she opened his bosom and the blood flowed +out. He still breathed faintly—</p> + +<p>"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?'</p> + +<p>"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have +him drink a cup of water from the river, but he war past +nourishment—and she asked him if he knew he war dyin'?</p> + +<p>"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God +in heaven be merciful to me, thus cut from you and life, mother—'</p> + +<p>"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face +of her darlin' boy fell upon her hand—he was gone.</p> + +<p>"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for +fear the Ingins might be prowlin' about on this side; yes, +under this very tree, did we 'camp that gloomy night. +The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer, fearin' +even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two +blacks, and we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and +the two children by his side. It war an awful thing—awful +to us all; and our sighs and sobs, mingled with the +prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm +sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted. +I lay down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's +wife and sister, cries of the two survivin' children, and moans +of us all, made sleep a difficult affair. By peep of day I +went down to the grave, and thar sat the old mother. She +had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had +been too much for her.</p> + +<p>"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged, +and received two more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul, +and our kind, good old mother. Thirty-five years have +now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a day +at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles +of it. No, here must I rest too."</p> + +<p>The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain +from taking up the thread of his narrative to inquire +what had become of Captain Paul and his wife's sister.</p> + +<p>"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her +to love her sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't +help lovin' her too, for that. The captain settled down here, +about two miles back, and in a few years the sister-in-law +and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old wife she is +too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll +die, and be put thar—thar, to rest in that little mound with +the rest. But I must bide my time, stranger—we must all +bide our time. Now, stranger, I've told you my sad story, +I must ax a favor. Seeing as you are a town-bred person, +perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by that +grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing +to pray, though we woods people know but little about it."</p> + +<p>I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation +of the term, but considering we all are God's ministers +that study God's will and our own duty to man, I could +pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with an exalted +feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek it.</p> + +<p>A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply +impressed with this little story.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Hereditary_Complaints" id="Hereditary_Complaints"></a>Hereditary Complaints.</h2> + + +<p>Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha +beefsteaks in a cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says +he saw a striking instance in Quincy market last Saturday. +An Irish woman came up to a turkey merchant, and says she—</p> + +<p>"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?"</p> + +<p>"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant.</p> + +<p>"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey—it's +stale enough, too, I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd +yees ax for 'un?"</p> + +<p>"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got, +I'll let you have it for <i>two and six</i>."</p> + +<p>"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur +it, and be dad not another cint."</p> + +<p>"Well," says the <i>satisfied</i> poultry merchant, "take it +along; I won't dicker for a cent or two."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and +went on her way quite elated with the brilliancy of her +talents in financiering! There's one merit in meanness, if +it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to carry a pleasing +sensation to the bosom of the gamester.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="with_the_Caucusers" id="with_the_Caucusers"></a>Nights with the Caucusers.</h2> + + +<p>Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch +of our every-day business, as much so as in former times +"reduced gentlemen" took to keeping school or posting books. +In former times, men took to politics to give zest to a life +already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as those in the +"sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a +solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the +way to a very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are +of no peculiar class or condition of citizens; the success of +a champion depends not so much upon the matter, as upon +the manner, not upon the capital he may have in real estate, +bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental +principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable +amplitude of—brass and bravado! If any man +doubts the fact, let him look around him, and calculate the +matter. Why is it that <i>lawyers</i> are so particularly felicitous +in running for, securing, and usurping most of all the +important or profitable offices under government? Lungs—gutta +percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. +A man might as well try to bail out the Mississippi with a +tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a fence-rail, as to hope for a +seat in Congress, merely upon the possession of patriotic +principles, or double-concentrated and refined integrity. +Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, +his chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance +to that of Rufus Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer +attached to the Philadelphia bar that would not beat the +old gentleman out of his top boots in running for the +Senate! But we'll <i>cut</i> "wise saws" for a modern instance; +let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses, +Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, +and see things "workin'." It is night, a ward meeting of +the unterrified, meat-axe, non-intervention—hats off—hit +him again—butt-enders, have called a meeting to <i>caucus</i> for +the coming fall contest. "Owing to the inclemency of the +weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of some +eight hundred of the <i>unterrified, non-intervention—Cuban +annexation—Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats +off—hit him again—butt-enders</i>—only eighty attend the +call. Of these eighty faithful, some forty odd are on the +wing for office; one at least wants to work his way up to +the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten to the +"Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to +the custom house.</p> + +<p>Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the +anxious multitude are seen here and there about the corners +of the adjacent neighborhood and in the recesses of the +caucus chamber, their heads together—caucusing on a +small scale.</p> + +<p>"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for +the <i>Senate</i>, in our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest +<i>unterrified</i>, of a brother in the same cause.</p> + +<p>"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?"</p> + +<p>"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins +is a pooty good sort of a man, but he ain't known; +made himself rather unpop'ler by votin' agin that <i>grand +junction railroad to the north pole</i> bill, afore the Legislature, +three years ago; besides he's served two years in the +Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks +of going to California or somewhere else, next spring—so +I-a, I-a—don't think much of Jenkins, anyhow!"</p> + +<p>"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; +what do you think of him? He's a sound <i>unterrified</i>, good man."</p> + +<p>"A—ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, +but I don't think its good policy to run doctors for office. +If they are defeated it sours their minds equal to cream of +tartar; it spiles their practice, and 'tween you and I, Flambang, +if they takes a spite at a man that didn't vote for +'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is <i>for +'em to poison us!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Good gracious!—you don't say so?"</p> + +<p>"I <i>don't</i> say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. +I only supposed a case," replied the wily <i>caucuser</i>.</p> + +<p>"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under +them circumstances. I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; +but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's one of our best speakers—"</p> + +<p>"<i>Gas!</i>" pointedly responded Twist.</p> + +<p>"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run +for Congress; you were the first man to nominate him, too!"</p> + +<p>"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed +and blowed; that was no reason for my thinking him the best +man we had for the office. He's a demagogue, an ambitious, +sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer up; but, he was in our +way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the nomination, +and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out +of the way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less +pretendin' men could get a chance, don't you see? Now, +Flambang, you're the man I'm goin' in for to-night!"</p> + +<p>"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!"</p> + +<p>"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, +you'll be nominated—I'll not be known in it—you'll +get the nomination—called out for a speech—so be on the +trigger—give 'em a rouser, and you're in!"</p> + +<p>Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor +of a small shop, in which, by the force of prudence +and economy, he has laid up something, has a voice among +his fellow-citizens and some influence, but would as soon +attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder magazine, +or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as +to run for the Legislature <i>and make a speech in public!</i> +Twist knows it; he guesses shrewdly at the effect.</p> + +<p>"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts +to get his breath.</p> + +<p>"Me? Well, if you don't want to <i>run</i>."</p> + +<p>"<i>Run?</i> I would as soon think of jumping over the +moon, as running for office!" answers Flambang. "But I +thank you, thank <i>you</i> kindly, for your good intentions, for +<i>your</i> confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good I can do for +you, I'll do, and—"</p> + +<p>Twist having secured the first step to his <i>plot</i>, enters the +caucus chamber in deep and earnest consultation with +Flambang, and while preparations are being made to "histe +the rag," he is seen making converts to his sly purposes, +upon the same principle by which he converted his modest +friend, Flambang.</p> + +<p>"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another +"ambitious for distinction" <i>unterrified</i> of "a brother."</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants +to be nominated, and good many more than will be," was +the cogent reply.</p> + +<p>"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But +'tween you and I, Pepper—I'd like to get the nomination for +the Senate myself!"</p> + +<p>"No-o-o?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?"</p> + +<p>"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?"</p> + +<p>"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what +I'll do. You hang by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for +you for the House."</p> + +<p>"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, +and while you are fifing away for me, I'll go around for +you, Captain Johns."</p> + +<p>"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" +asks another of "the party," of a confederate.</p> + +<p>"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think +he's the right kind of a man for mayor, any how; do you?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', +and I guess he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around +speaking; but here he is; let's feel his pulse." After a +confab of some minutes between Flammer, Smithers, and +Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual satisfaction, +and <ins title="someting">something</ins> is "dropped" about "go in for me for the +Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc.</p> + +<p>"Don't let on, that I'm <i>anxious</i>, at all, you know," says +Smithers, to which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer +respond—"O, of course not!"</p> + +<p>Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as +much formality, fuss and fungus as the opening of the +House of Parliament; soon is heard the work of balloting +for nominations, and soon it is known that <i>Twist</i> is <i>the</i> +man for the Senate—this calls <i>Twist</i> out; he spreads—feels +overpowered—this unexpected (!) event—attending as a +spectator, not anticipating any thing for himself—proud of +the unexpected honor—had long served as a <i>private</i> in the +ranks of the <i>unterrified</i>—die in the front of battle, if his +friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist falls back, +mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt. +Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush +of honor put upon him, in connecting his name with the +senatorial ticket. He was proud of being thought capable +of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave his friend Pepper +"a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a +speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of +Smithers, that Smithers was nominated—made a speech in +favor of Skyblue and Flammer, upon the force of which +both were nominated—the wheel within a wheel worked +elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent +upon the result of the grand caucus—candidates—unanimity—etc., +etc., of these subterranean politicians. So are +our great men manufactured for the public.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Affecting_Cruelty" id="Affecting_Cruelty"></a>Affecting Cruelty.</h2> + + +<p>A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in +fifty-one years, by saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, +snipping off the edges of halves, quarters, and nine-pences, +raised the whole neighborhood t'other evening. +He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an +attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor +thing squealed so, that the bells rang, and the South End +watchmen hollered fire for about an hour! This "old +gentleman" has a way of <i>sweating</i> the crosses from a +smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that +he passes them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence +is "worthy of all praise;" he recently <i>gave away</i> +to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of cobwebs, and an +old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill; upon +these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled +the hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen +tallow candles! If old Smearcase continues to fool away +his hard-earned wealth in that manner, his friends ought to +buy an injunction on his <i>will!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="The_Wolf_Slayer" id="The_Wolf_Slayer"></a>The Wolf Slayer.</h2> + + +<p>In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all +of Indiana, was a dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf +and naked savage were masters of the wild woods and fertile +plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of the pioneer's +axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost +magical effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages.</p> + +<p>In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered +not only from the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the +<i>wolf</i>. Many are the tales of terror told of these ferocious +enemies of the white man, and his civilization. Many was +the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon, whose +bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark +forest, have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path +or Indian trail of the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father +was contractor for the north-western army, under command +of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He supplied the army +with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley and +Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located +at Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on +the Sciota river, and protected by a block house or rude +fort, in which the inhabitants could scramble if the Indians +made their appearance. My father resided here, and having +collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the valley +with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect +the drove against the prowling minions of Tecumseh.</p> + +<p>The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm +weather, there arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the +huge trees, by the violence of the wind and sharp lightning, +were uprooted and rent into thousands of particles, +and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I +have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of +these tornadoes has taken its way, or I should be incredulous +to suppose whole acres of trees, hundreds of years +old, could be torn up, or snapped off like reeds upon the river side.</p> + +<p>The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night +grew darker, until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled +and dispersed. My father crawled under the lee of a large +sycamore that had fell, and here, partly protected from the +rain and falling timber, he lay down. I have camped out +some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old gentleman's +situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to +sleep mounted upon such guard.</p> + +<p>At length the work of destruction and ruin being done, +the storm abated, the rain ceased to <i>pour</i> and the winds to +wag their noisy tongues so furiously. A wolf <i>howl</i>, and of +all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by beasts of prey, none +can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the ear than +the <i>wolf</i> howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke +fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath +the sycamore. It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and +<i>then</i> the more dreadful. The drover carried a good Yeager +rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man laden with arms in the +midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as helpless as the +tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's storm. +The <i>howl</i> had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before +it was answered by dozens on every side! And as the +drover's keen eye pierced the gloom around him, the dancing, +fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met his wistful gaze.</p> + +<p>The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting +beast, and as the glaring eyes came nearer and nearer, +the drover hugged his Yeager tightly, and prepared to defend +life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the sharp crack +of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of terror +burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a +troop of wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream +after scream rent the air, and the drover knew that a companion +had fell a victim to the wolf in his attempt at self-defence. +The night was a long one, and thus, among the +savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle +again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the +hunting iron speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair +of eyes glared hurriedly upon the drover, and he could not +resist the desire to use his Yeager, and the wolf taking the +contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over, while a score +rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have +been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay +crouched under the old tree, surrounded by this horde of +glaring eyes, his ears split with their awful <i>howl</i>, and their +hot and venomous breath fairly in his face! But the wolf +is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye, and +so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and +unquivering eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack, +but by rushing up to his very front. The red tongue +lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the demon eyes +glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf +stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still +smote upon the air and the loud howl still went up over the +forest around. The first faint streaks that deck the sky at +morn, the fresh breath of coming day caught the keen scent +of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk off. The +drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his +pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl +soon died off in the distance.</p> + +<p>Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his +lair. His loud <i>whoop!</i> to the disbanded men and drove +was answered by the neigh of a horse, who came galloping +up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who seemed +happy indeed to meet his master. Another <i>whoop-e</i> brought +a responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve, +with seven horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered. +The forest was strewn with torn carcasses of cattle and +horses, mostly killed by the falling timber, and partly devoured +by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards +from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments +of clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body +of one of the soldiers. He had fought with the desperation +of a mad man, and the dead and crippled wolves lay +as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow near the +river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several +cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn +to death by the rapacious beasts. They started out in +search of the spot from whence the drover had heard the +firing in the night. They soon discovered the place; at the +foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high +lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf +had his scalp neatly taken off, and his head elaborately +bored by the rifle ball. An Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby +saplin', trimmed with footholds left on it, was laying against +the old tree, at the top of which was a sort of a rude scaffold, +contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in a +hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones, +but no sign of a human being could there be traced. The +party made a fire, and as beef lay plenty around, they regaled +themselves heartily, after their night of horror and +disaster. Having finished their repast, they separated, +each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of +the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have +designated as the drover, pursued his way over the vast +piles of fallen, tangled timber, leaping from one tree to the +other. As he was about to throw himself over the trunk +of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself within two +feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that +ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes +to the eye of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly +by surprise, by this collision, that they seemed to be rooted +to the spot without power to move. I have heard of serpents +charming birds, said the drover, but I never believed +in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by this +great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden +fiery eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady +gaze from the wolf's face.</p> + +<p>There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man +if he keeps his eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower +and sneak off, and so did the wolf. But no sooner had she +turned her head and with a howl started off, than a blue +pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and brought +her career to a speedy termination.</p> + +<p><i>Whoo-ep!</i></p> + +<p>A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western +hunter made the welkin ring again, and as the astonished +drover turned towards the shouter, he beheld a sight that +proved quite as formidable as the wolf he had just slain.</p> + +<p>"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like +you. That shot done my heart good, though I was about +to do the old she devil's business for ye, seeing as you war +sort o' close quartered with the varmint."</p> + +<p>"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the +speaker, a tall, gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure, +with long grey hair, and a rude suit of wolf-skin clothing, +cap and moccasins. He held in his long arms a large rifle, +a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over his side. +He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored, +and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there.</p> + +<p>"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty +chance of bad luck yer last night, and I never saw them +cursed varmints so crazy afore."</p> + +<p>"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover.</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer, +I live anywhar's whar wolf can be found. But you don't +know me, I reckon, stranger?"</p> + +<p>"I do not," said the drover.</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought +thar warn't a man this side the blue ridge but what knows +me and old <i>kit</i> here, (his rifle.) Well, seeing you are a +stranger, I'll just take that old sarpent's top-knot off, and +have a talk with ye."</p> + +<p>With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins +scalped the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt, +motioned the drover to follow. He led the way in deep +silence some half a mile to a small stream, down which +they proceeded for some distance, until they came to a low +and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested +the drover to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin, +while he entered through a small aperture in his hut, +and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some dried meat. +These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time +kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that +there should be a white man or <i>Ingin</i> this side the blue +ridge that didn't know <i>him</i>.</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that +you don't know me, <i>me</i> that kin show more <i>Ingin</i> skelps +than any white man that ever trod these war paths; <i>me</i>, +who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in more of the varmints' +skelps in one night than any white man or <i>Ingin</i> that +ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old, +forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight +from the settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've +lived to be clean ashamed o' myself." And with this soliloquy, +half to himself and partly addressed to the drover, +the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his imaginary +insignificance and dotage.</p> + +<p>"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed +me by what name I may call you—"</p> + +<p>"<i>Call</i> me, stranger? why I <i>am</i>"—and here his eyes +glared as he threw himself into a heroic attitude—"Chris +Green, <i>old</i> Chris Green, the <i>wolf slayer!</i> But, God bless +ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other side the ridge, and +don't know old Chris's history."</p> + +<p>"That I frankly admit," replied the drover.</p> + +<p>"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I +do, though I live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the +varmints' skins, go but seldom to the settlements, and live +on what old kit thar provides me.</p> + +<p>"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one, +but as yer unlucky like myself and plenty of business to +'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my troubles short to ye.</p> + +<p>"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue +ridge with a party of my neighbors to come down yer in +the Sciota country, to see it, and lay plans to drive the +cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the red skins +appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and +monstrous civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more +dependence to be put in 'em than the <ins title="catankerous">cantankerous</ins> wolves, +and roast 'em, I always sets old kit talkin' Dutch to +them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The +wolf's my nat'ral inimy—I'd walk forty miles to git old kit +a wolf skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and +we gin it as our opinion that the Sciota country was the +garden spot o' the world, and if we could only defend ourselves +'gainst the inimy we should move right down yer at +once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull +settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought +it best for us all to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar +a few Ingin huts and cabins war. I had a wife, and son +and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as dearer to me 'nor +life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon began +to show their pranks—they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot +down our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the +little settlement. At last I proposed we should build a +clever-sized block house, strong and stanch, in which our +wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard 'em, +could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured +Paint hills and the country about, and peppered a few of +the cussed red devils. We had been out some four or five +days when we fell in with the inimy; it war just about +sunset, and the red skins war camped in a hollow close by +this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their smoking +and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar +our accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods +thirty years, I never saw such a hurricane as we had yer +last night, 'cept once. The night we lay in ambush for the +<i>Ingins</i>, six-and-twenty years ago, thar came up a hurricane, +the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my neighbors lay +crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles +along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great +walnuts and sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as +straight as ye'd run a bee line; no timber grow'd upon +these bottoms since. Five on us escaped the hurricane, +but before day we fell in with a large party of red skins, +and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and +the only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I +made my way to the settlement.</p> + +<p>"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint +creek, and saw the block house scattered over the bottom, +and not a cabin standin' or a livin' cre'ter to be seen in the +settlement of Chillicothe, my heart left me; I become a +woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been +whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and +the tears suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear, +he proceeded:</p> + +<p>"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child, +nor a woman, either; my crying spell appeared to ease my +heart amazin'ly. I shouldered old kit here, and down I +went to examine things. The hurricane had scattered +every thing; the fire had been at work too, but, great God! +the bloody <i>wolf</i> had been thar, the settlement was kivered +with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any +had escaped the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the <i>Ingins</i> finished +'em, for I never seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear +to stay about the place, I'd no home, friend, or kindred. I +took to the woods, and swore eternal death to the red skins +and my nat'ral inimy, the <i>wolf!</i> I've been true to my +word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented +with Ingin <i>top-knots!</i> Look in, ha! ha! see there! +they may well call old Chris the <i>Wolf Slayer!</i>"</p> + +<p>The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old +forlorn hunter, and then visited the <i>perch</i>, which was situated +close by a "deer lick," where wolves resorted to fall +upon their victims. And from this <i>perch</i> old <i>Wolf Slayer</i> +had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night previous. +The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect +such of the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found; +the men came with another of their companions, and the +small drove and men left the scene of terror and disaster, +wishing a God-speed to the <i>Wolf Slayer</i>.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="knew_em_All" id="knew_em_All"></a>The Man that knew 'em All.</h2> + + +<p>If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice +of things, you have doubtless seen the man who knows +pretty much every thing and every body!</p> + +<p>I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed +to a venerable lady, in reference to <i>forerunners</i>, "I see +'em now." Well, talking of that rare and curious specimen +of the human family, the man that knows every body, +I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em." +Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping +off place of Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years +ago, I had the pleasure or pastime of meeting several of +the big guns of the nation, on their way from Washington +city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most +generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and +feeble; when all of the large steamers are past getting up +so far, and travelling down the river becomes quite amusing +to amateurs, and particularly tedious and monotonous +to business people, bound home. Three hundred travellers, +more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and +"United States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city, +or town, waiting for the river to get up, or some means for +them to get down.</p> + +<p>The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some +time before, and as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s, +wire pullers, hangers on, blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc., +came over "the National Road" to Wheeling, to take the +river for Southern and Western destinations, of course the +assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous, +and quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men +always make themselves happy and interesting, home or +abroad, and particularly so when travelling. It was a glorious +thing for the proprietors of the hotels, to have such +a host of guests, as a house full of company always is a +"host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back, +eat, drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or +when opportunity offers, to—— go.</p> + +<p>They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests, +and played games and tricks, and thus passed the time +along. Among the multitude was one of those ever-talkative +and chanting men of the world, who knew all places +and all men—as <i>he</i> would have it. Just after removing the +cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and +wits, settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long +table, and were having a very pleasant time. The man of +all talk was there; he was the very <i>nucleus</i> of all that was +being said or done. He was from below, somewhere, on +his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city, +upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the +country in general.</p> + +<p>"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and +rosy gentleman, whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're +bound to the capital, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," responded the man of all talk.</p> + +<p>"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator, +nudging a friend, and winking at the rest.</p> + +<p>"<i>What?</i> Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! <i>me</i> been +<i>there</i> before! Bless you, me <i>been</i> in Washington city!"</p> + +<p>"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of +the caucus folks, eh? One of them wire pullers we read +about, eh?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Me?</i> Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents, +(looking killingly cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up. +Ha, ha! me pulling the—ha, ha! Well, here's to the old +Constitution; let's hang by her, while there's a—a—a button +on Jabe's coat."</p> + +<p>And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment.</p> + +<p>"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches."</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the +toast was wet down, "you'll please excuse me, in behalf +of some of my friends here; as you've been down in that +dratted place, and must know a good deal of the goings on +there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western +folks don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers."</p> + +<p>"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the +dignity and depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a +ponderous matter.</p> + +<p>"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures +of the Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any +means of satisfying yourself that there is, or was, a real service +of gold in the President's house?"</p> + +<p>"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another.</p> + +<p>"How many pieces were there?"</p> + +<p>"<i>What</i> were they?"</p> + +<p>"Aye, and what their <i>heft</i> was?"</p> + +<p>"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink—no tales out of school, +ha, ha! No, no—mum's the word." And looking funny +and deep, merry and wise, all at one and the same time, the +man of all talk proposed to drink and keep—— <i>mum</i>.</p> + +<p>But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being +let out—they wanted a decided and positive answer, from a +man who knew the ropes.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a +sort of melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite +over the table, so as to collect the several heads and ears +as close into a phalanx as possible: "gentlemen, it's a <i>fact!</i>"</p> + +<p>"What?" says the party.</p> + +<p>"All gold!" says the victim.</p> + +<p>"A gold service?" inquires the party.</p> + +<p>"<i>Thirty-eight pieces!</i>" continued the victim.</p> + +<p>"Solid gold?" chimed the rest.</p> + +<p>"<i>Just half a ton in heft!</i>"</p> + +<p>"You don't tell us <i>that</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Know it; eat out of 'em, <i>then weighed 'em all!</i>"</p> + +<p>"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into +stronger exclamations.</p> + +<p>"<i>Fact, by the great</i> ——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said +the mover of the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm.</p> + +<p>"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty +Van; on good terms with the little Magician," continued +the leading wag.</p> + +<p>"<i>Me?</i> me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is +a good joke; never go to Washington without cracking a +bottle with the little fox, and staying over night with him. +<i>Me</i> on good terms with Matty? <i>We've had many a spree +together!</i> Yes, <i>sir!</i>" and the knowing one winked right and left.</p> + +<p>"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators, +a fine portly old gent, "you know him, of course?"</p> + +<p>"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know +my letters half as well as I know old Tom."</p> + +<p>"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What +sort of a fellow is Bill?"</p> + +<p>"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen? +I wish I had a dime for every horn, and game of bluff, we've +had together."</p> + +<p>"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat, +farmer-looking old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand +down there about Washington?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but, +gents, between you and I, (with another whisper,) there is +a good deal of the 'old fogie' senna and salts about him. +But then he's death and the pale hoss on poker."</p> + +<p>"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they.</p> + +<p>"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my +watch last winter, playing poker, at Willard's?"</p> + +<p>"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't +know Duncan <i>gambled</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink, +gents. Gamble? Lord bless you, it's common as dish-water +down there—I've played euchre for hours with old Tom +Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, <i>right behind the speaker's chair!</i>"</p> + +<p><i>Then</i> they all <i>drank</i>, of course, and some of the party +liked to have choked. The company now proposed to adjourn +to the smoking room, and they arose and left the +table accordingly. The man of all talk promenaded out +on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the +leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:—</p> + +<p>"Mr. ——a—a—?"</p> + +<p>"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address, +sir," responded the victim.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton +was in town?" inquired the wag.</p> + +<p>"What, Tom Benton here?"</p> + +<p>"And Allen," continued the wag.</p> + +<p>"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim.</p> + +<p>"And Doctor Duncan."</p> + +<p>"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see +them; your friends will be delighted," says the wag, taking +Mister Ferguson by the arm, to lead him in.</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha! I'm a—a—ha, ha! <i>won't</i> we have a time? But +you just step in—I a—I'll be in in one moment," but in less +than half the time, Mr. Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither!</p> + +<p>The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say, +were no others than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three +or four other arbiters of the fate of our immense and glorious +nation, in her councils, and fresh from the capital.</p> + +<p>Ferguson has not been heard of since.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Spell_of_Sickness" id="Spell_of_Sickness"></a>A Severe Spell of Sickness.</h2> + + +<p>It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you +can afford it. What it costs some rich men for family +sickness per annum, would keep all the children in "a poor +neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the year round. +When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he +was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some +weeks before Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end +of the year Dr. Borax sent in his bill; the amount gave +Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and threatened a +whole year's profits with strangulation.</p> + +<p>"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired +steep, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case—I +never raised a man from the grave with such difficulty, +in all my practice!"</p> + +<p>"But, fifty-three <i>calls</i>, doctor, one hundred and six dollars."</p> + +<p>"Exactly—two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor.</p> + +<p>"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &c.—eighty-one dollars!"</p> + +<p>"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir."</p> + +<p>"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very <i>well</i> for +people who can af-<i>ford</i> it, but I can't; there's your money, +doctor, but I'll bet you won't catch me sick as that again—<i>soon!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="of_the_Aldermen" id="of_the_Aldermen"></a>The Race of the Aldermen.</h2> + + +<p>In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that +the aldermen elect were a sort of <i>tie</i>; that is, so many +whigs and so many democrats. Such a thing did not occur +often, the democracy usually having the supremacy. They +generally had things pretty much all their own way, and +distributed their favors among their partizans accordingly. +The whigs at length <i>tied</i> them, and the <i>locos</i>, beholding +with horror and misgivings, the new order of things which +was destined to turn out many a holder of fat office, many +a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose +devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the +tenacity with which he clung to his place, were extremely +anxious to devise ways and means to keep the whigs at +bay; and as the day drew near, when the assembled Board of +Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall, various +<i>dodges</i> were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in +questions or decisions touching the distribution of places, +and appointment of men to fill the various stations of the +new municipal government.</p> + +<p>"I have it—I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly +alderman of a democratic ward. "To-night the Board +meets—we stand about eight and eight—this afternoon, let +two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman H—— and +Alderman J——, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H—— +and J—— tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our +conveyance, come in, and vote the infernal whigs just where +we want them!"</p> + +<p>"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one.</p> + +<p>"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another.</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys.</p> + +<p>"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray +expenses; we, you know, of course, must put the whigs +<i>through</i>, and we must give them a rouse they won't forget +soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket; coach for +four <i>out</i> and two <i>in</i>. Ha, ha!—The whigs shall see the elephant!"</p> + +<p>Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the +two victims, the poor whigs, were carted out under the +pretence of a grand aldermanic feast to Harlem, the scene +of many a spree and jollification with the city fathers, and +other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham.</p> + +<p>Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles +of "Sham" were uncorked, and their effervescing contents +decanted into the well-fed bodies of the four aldermen. +Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up the time, until +the democrats began to think it was time that one of them +slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the +other to <i>fuddle</i> the two whigs, and detain them until affairs +at "the Tea Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire +satisfaction of the democrats.</p> + +<p>"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will +call Brown, "landlord, have you any conveyance, horses, +wagons, carriages or carts, by which any of my friends +could go back to town to-night, if they wish?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly—I can send the +gentlemen in if they wish."</p> + +<p>"Very well, sir,—they may get very <i>tight</i> before they +desire to return—they are men of families, respectable citizens, +and I do not wish them, under any circumstances, to +leave your house until morning. Whatever the bill is I will +foot, provided you deny them any of your means to go in +to-night. You understand!"</p> + +<p>"Oh! yes, sir—if you request it as a matter of favor, +that I shall keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do +so—but hadn't you better attend to them yourself?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance +to transact—must be in town this evening. Give +the party all they wish—put that in your fob—(handing the +host an X)—post up your bill in the morning, and I'll be +out bright and early to make all square. Do you hark?" +says Brown.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, sir—all right," responded the landlord.</p> + +<p>Brown gave his confederate the <i>cue</i>, stepped out, promising +to "be in in a minute," and then, getting into a +carriage, he drove back to the city, almost tickled to death +with the idea of how nicely the whigs would be "dished" +when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus <i>two!</i></p> + +<p>Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the +thing up, by calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning—vulgarly +known as Champagne—and even walked +into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply himself, that a man with +half an eye might see Smith would be as blind as an owl +in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do +the thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or +too expensive to preserve the loaves and fishes of his party. +All of a sudden, however, night was drawing on a pace, +the whigs began to smell a <i>mice</i>. The absence of Brown, +and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith, in hurrying +up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs, +that something was going on dangerous to the whig cause, +and that they had better look out—<i>and so they did</i>.</p> + +<p>"Jones," says one of the whigs, <i>sotto voce</i>, to the other, +"Brown has cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate +to corner us here, prevent your presence in 'the Tea Room' +to-night, and thus defeat your vote."</p> + +<p>"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?"</p> + +<p>"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter, +bring in a bottle of brandy."</p> + +<p>"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you +ain't going to dive right into it, in that way, are you?"</p> + +<p>"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in +the world to settle your nerves after getting half fuddled +on Champagne, my boy; just you try it—take a good stiff +horn. Brown, you see, has <i>cut</i>, we must follow; so let's +straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the +loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of +Cogniac, which does really make some men sober as judges +after they are very drunk on real or spurious Champagne.</p> + +<p>"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very +<i>tight</i> going in this way, brandy on Champagne; but here +goes to the fishes and loaves—the loaves and fishes, I mean."</p> + +<p>The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does +usually; it did <i>settle</i> Smith—in five minutes he was so very +"boozy" that his chin bore down upon his breast, he became +as "limber as a rag," and snored like a pair of bagpipes.</p> + +<p>"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get +us a gig, wagon, carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off; +we must be in town immediately."</p> + +<p>"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you—haven't a vehicle +on the premises!"</p> + +<p>"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't +send us into town to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy.</p> + +<p>"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow—any +thing, so we can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall.</p> + +<p>"Can't help it, gentlemen."</p> + +<p>"What time do the <i>cars</i> come along?" eagerly inquires Jones.</p> + +<p>"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host.</p> + +<p>"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But +this won't do; come, Jones, no help for it—can't fool us in +that way—eight miles to the City Hall—two hours to do it +in; off coat and <i>let's foot it!</i>"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>The City Hall clock had just struck 7 <span class="smcap">p. m.</span>, the Tea +Room was lighted up, the assembled wisdom of the municipal +government had their toadies, and reporters and lookers-on +were there; the room was quite full. Brown was +there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted +with glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had +"done" Jones and Hall out of their votes! The business +of the evening was climaxing: the whigs missing two of +their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear. +The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was +called: seven "good and true" locos answered the call. +Six whigs had answered: the seventh was being called: the +locos were grinning, and twisting their fingers at the apex +of their noses!</p> + +<p>"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller.</p> + +<p>"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room.</p> + +<p>"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll.</p> + +<p>"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out.</p> + +<p>"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus; +and in the modern classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't +any thing else." The whigs not only had the cut but the +entire <i>deal</i> in the appointments that time, and Alderman +Brown had a <i>bill</i> at Harlem, a little more serious to foot +than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Getting_Square" id="Getting_Square"></a>Getting Square.</h2> + + +<p>It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a +"grocery" to levy upon the <i>till</i>, for material aid to his +own pocket, as for the sparks to fly upwards or water run +down hill. Innumerable stories are told of the peculations +of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of +the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot +out, for your diversion.</p> + +<p>A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised +for a bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!" +Among the several applicants who exhibited +themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent, harmless-looking +youth whose general <i>contour</i> at once struck the tavern-keeper +with most favorable impressions.</p> + +<p>"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," said he.</p> + +<p>"Have you ever tended bar?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper. +"In fact, I'm glad you are green at the business, +you will suit me the better; the last fellow I had come to +me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers in New +Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy +names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I +fancied pretty soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my +small change, so I discharged him in double quick time."</p> + +<p>"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant.</p> + +<p>"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you +can get the 'run' of things in a few weeks. I will give you +twenty-five dollars a month, first month, and thirty dollars a +month for the balance of the year."</p> + +<p>"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth.</p> + +<p>"Do you think it's enough?"</p> + +<p>"O, yes, indeed, sir!"</p> + +<p>"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man, +I will pay you, punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself +extra wages!"</p> + +<p>"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth.</p> + +<p>"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!"</p> + +<p>"Run of the till?"</p> + +<p>"No knocking down, sir!"</p> + +<p>"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as +good-natured as a lamb; I never knocked any body down +in all my life."</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he <i>is</i> green, so I +won't teach him what he don't know. What's your name?"</p> + +<p>"Absalom Hart, sir."</p> + +<p>"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall +agree together, for a long time; so go to work."</p> + +<p>Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom +and the landlord got along slick as a whistle. Another +year, two, three, four; never was there a more attentive, +diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a marble slab, +or armed with a toddy stick. He was the <i>ne plus ultra</i> +of bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But +one day, somehow or other, the landlord found himself in +custody of the sheriff, bag and baggage. Business had not +fallen off, every thing seemed properly managed, but, somehow +or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in, and the +sheriff sold him out.</p> + +<p>Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart—nobody +else. Some of the people were astonished.</p> + +<p>"Well, who would have thought it?"</p> + +<p>"Hurrah for Absalom!"</p> + +<p>"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks +of the outsiders, when the fact of the sale and purchase +became known. The landlord felt quite humbled, he was +out of house and home, but he had a friend, surely.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes."</p> + +<p>"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord.</p> + +<p>"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down."</p> + +<p>"Very true, sir."</p> + +<p>"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up."</p> + +<p>"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith."</p> + +<p>"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment—got +my family to support; I always trusted I +treated you like a man, didn't I?"</p> + +<p>"A—ye-e-s, you did, I believe."</p> + +<p>"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of +friends who of course will patronize our house while I am +in it, and you can afford me a fair sort of a living to help you."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall +have to hire somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a +raw hand from the country, I will take one who understands +all about it. I'll engage you; so go to work."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the +man, and the man the master.</p> + +<p>"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the +'General Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin +out afore long, if he let other people 'tend to his business +instead of himself."</p> + +<p>"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another +old head; "he's 'bout skin'd Smith."</p> + +<p>"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says +a third, "and oughter try to get on to his pegs again."</p> + +<p>But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows +all "went in," partook of the landlord's hospitality, and +hoped—of course they did—that he might live several thousand +years, and make a fortune!</p> + +<p>Time slid on—Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more +assiduous and devoted to the toddy affairs of the house, +than Jerry Smith, the pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart. +Absalom being landlord of a popular drinking establishment, +was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies, and +various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages. +Ergo, Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had +his horses, dogs, and other pastimes; got married, and cut it +very "fat." One day he got involved for a friend, got into +unnecessary expenses, was sued for complicated debts, and +so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at the end of +his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the +"General Washington" again came under the hammer.</p> + +<p>Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered +who would become the next customer.</p> + +<p>"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he +had worked long and <i>faith</i>fully, and he had saved something. +Smith bought out the whole concern, and once +more he was landlord of the "General Washington."</p> + +<p>Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November—he +was dead broke, and felt, in his present situation, flat, +stale, and unprofitable enough.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse, +"I am once more on my oars."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we +are up, and sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works +wonders, as you once very forcibly remarked."</p> + +<p>"It does, indeed, sir."</p> + +<p>"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the +world is large, if it is full of changes."</p> + +<p>"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith—"</p> + +<p>"Well, Ab."</p> + +<p>"That we have known one another—"</p> + +<p>"Pretty well, I think!"</p> + +<p>"A long time, sir—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Ab."</p> + +<p>"And when I was up and you down—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, go on."</p> + +<p>"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water."</p> + +<p>"True enough, Ab, my boy."</p> + +<p>"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar +again, and I'll off coat and go to work like a Trojan."</p> + +<p>"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you +was so green you could hardly tell a crossed quarter from +a bogus pistareen—the 'run of the till' you learnt in a +week, while in less than a month you was the best hand at +'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you +and I are square; we will keep so—go!"</p> + +<p>Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left +for parts unknown.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="People_Do_Differ" id="People_Do_Differ"></a>People Do Differ!</h2> + + +<p>Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on +the maps; he hadn't a friend in the world, apparently, +while he had more enemies than he could shake a stick at. +Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to lick him. +But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too, +goes up with his resources, and he don't wait for any body +to "knock the chip off his hat," but goes right smack up +to a crowd of fighting bullies, and rolling up his sleeves, he +coolly "wants to know" if any body had any thing to say +about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a +baby," his <i>physique</i> has grown to be quite enormous, and +we rather expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched +battle with some body soon, <i>or he'll spile!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Whiffletrees_Dental_Experience" id="Whiffletrees_Dental_Experience"></a>Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience.</h2> + + +<p>Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then +blessed is your ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to +know nothing about the tooth-ache, as you know nothing, +absolutely nothing about pain—the acute, double-distilled, +rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of a treacherous +tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like, +how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically +which you may pray heaven that you may not know practically.</p> + +<p>But there's poor William Whiffletree—he's been through +the mill, fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined, +essential oil of the agony caused by a raging tooth. Every +time we read <i>Othello</i>, we are half inclined to think that +<i>more</i> than half of Iago's devilishness came from that "raging +tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured and +tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered +against all the world, and blackamoors in particular.</p> + +<p>William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration +of what tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do; +and affords a pretty fair idea of the manner in which the +tooth and sufferer are medicinally and morally treated by +the <i>materia medica</i>, and friends at large.</p> + +<p>William Whiffletree—or "Bill," as most people called +him—was a sturdy young fellow of two-and-twenty, of +"poor but respectable parents," and 'tended the dry-goods +store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of Rockbottom, +State of New York.</p> + +<p>One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom +a galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the +euphonium of Dr. Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a +surgeon, he had—according to the album-full of <i>certificates</i>—operated +in all the scientific branches of amputation, +from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings, +Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the +dental way, he spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr. +Wangbanger had not been long in Rockbottom before his +"gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to elongate +the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree, +in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset, +dug out, and burnished up!</p> + +<p>Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed +youth, got up in the most sturdy New Hampshire +style, <i>his</i> teeth <i>were</i> teeth, in every way calculated to perform +long and strong; but Bill was fast imbibing counter-jumper +notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased soap-locks, +and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential +in cutting a swarth among ye fair sex.</p> + +<p>So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience +with Mr. William Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr. +Whiffletree's molars which Bill thought had a "speck" on +it, he soon convinced the victim that the said molar not only +was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest +neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch!</p> + +<p>"O, shocking!" says the remorseless <i>hum</i>; "it is well +I saw it in time, Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a +few weeks, that tooth, sir, would have exfoliated, calcareous +supperation would have ensued, the gum would have ossified, +while the nerve of the tooth becoming apostrophized, +the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and the +jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses, +would necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the +capillary organs of your stomach and brain, and—<i>death +would supervene in two hours!</i>"</p> + +<p><a name='Pg_092' id='Pg_092'></a>Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a +queer sensation settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis +legso almost bent double under him, at the awful prospect +of things before him! He took a long breath, however, +and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired—</p> + +<p>"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?"</p> + +<p>"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor.</p> + +<p>"Plug and file what?"</p> + +<p>"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the +treacherous monster <i>meant</i> Bill's wallet, of course!</p> + +<p>"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill.</p> + +<p>"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and +splendid system invented by myself, sir, and practiced upon +all the crowned heads of Europe, London, and Washington +City, it will cost you three dollars."</p> + +<p>"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry.</p> + +<p>"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable, +sir, than otherwise," said the Doctor.</p> + +<p>"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the <i>dosh</i>," and forking +over three dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed +chair, and the Doctor's assistant—a sturdy young +Irishman—clamping Bill's head to the back of the chair, +to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter began +to "bore and file."</p> + +<p>"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, <i>hold on!</i>" cries Bill, at the first +<i>gouge</i> the Doctor gave the huge tooth.</p> + +<p>"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's +mesilf as untherstands it—<i>I'll howld on till yees!</i>"</p> + +<p>"O—O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds.</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor.</p> + +<p>"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!"</p> + +<p>"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that—I'm howldin' yeez +tight as a divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he <i>was</i> +holding, for in vain Bill screwed and twisted and squirmed +around; Pat held him like a cider-press.</p> + +<div class='image' id='illo001'> +<img src='images/illo001.png' + alt="I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!" + title="I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!" +/> + +<p class='caption'>"Go—goo—good Lord-d d! Ho—ho—hol—hold on!" +"O, yeez needn't be afear'd of that—I'm howldin' yeez tight as +a divil!"—<a href="#Pg_092"><i>Page</i> 92.</a></p> + +</div> + +<p>"Let me—me—O—O—O! Everlasting creation! let +me go-o-o—stop, <i>hold on-n-n!</i>" as the Doctor bored, +screwed, and plugged away at the tooth.</p> + +<p>"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the +Doctor, with a confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief. +"There, sir—there was science, art, elegance, and +dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe—your life is safe—<i>you're +a sound man!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've +broken my jaw into flinders; you've set all my teeth on +edge; and I've no more feelin'—gall darn ye!—in my +jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps! You've got the +wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!"</p> + +<p>That night was one of anxiety and misery to William +Whiffletree. The disturbed <i>molar</i> growled and twitched +like mad; and, by daylight, poor Bill's cheek was swollen +up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth puckered, and +his right eye half "bunged up."</p> + +<p>"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went +into the store, "what in grace ails thy face? Thee looks +like an owl in an ivy-bush!"</p> + +<p>"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a +meat-axe at his snickering Orthodox boss.</p> + +<p>"Plugged and <i>fined</i>? Thee hain't been fighting, William?"</p> + +<p>"Fined? No, I ain't been <i>fined</i> or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw, +but I bet I do fight that feller who gave me the +tooth-ache!—O! O!" moaned poor Bill, as he clamped +his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around waving his +head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin.</p> + +<p>"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache? +Go thee to my wife; she'll cure thee in one minute, +William; a little laudanum and cotton will soon ease thy pain."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar, +but as it did no kind of good, old grandmother proposed a +poultice; and soon poor Bill's head and cheek were done up +in mush, while he groaned and grunted and started for the +store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as +though he was a rare curiosity.</p> + +<p>"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill +was going by his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or +got the tooth-ache?"</p> + +<p>Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his +head intimated the cause of his distress.</p> + +<p>"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a +half; sit down, I'll fix it—I've cured hundreds," says Firelock.</p> + +<p>"What are you—O-h-h, dear! what are you going to +do?" says Bill, eyeing the wire, and lamp in which Firelock +was heating the wire.</p> + +<p>"Burn out the marrow of the tooth—'twill never trouble +you again—I've cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared—you +won't feel it but a moment. Sit still, keep cool!" +says Firelock.</p> + +<p>"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being +already intensely crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, +took his head out of the mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and +Firelock, admonishing him to "keep cool," crowded the +hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the hollow +by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the +melted tin to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the +wire, burnt his tongue, and knocked Firelock nearly +through the partition of his shop; and so frightened Monsieur +Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed out +into the street, crying—</p> + +<p>"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!"</p> + +<p>Bill was stone dead—Firelock crippled. The apothecary +over the way came in, picked up poor Bill, applied some +camphor to his nose, and brought him back to life, and—the +pangs of tooth-ache!</p> + +<p>"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease +your pain, Mr. Whiffletree, in a second!"</p> + +<p>Poor Bill gave up—the kreasote added a fresh invoice to +his misery—burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue—and +he yelled right out.</p> + +<p>"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!"</p> + +<p>"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a +stranger; "'twill take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!"</p> + +<p>Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; +the Brick was applied; but Bill's cheek being now +half raw with the various messes, it made him yell when +the brick touched him!</p> + +<p>He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, +finally, with laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put +him to sleep.</p> + +<p>He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; +walked the floor until daylight; was tempted two or three +times to jump out the window or crawl up the chimney!</p> + +<p>Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten +minutes, some "known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, +and the ten thousand applications usually tried to +cure a raging tooth.</p> + +<p>Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and +went after Dr. Wangbanger, who had set all the village in +a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or a dozen of his victims were +at his door, awaiting ferociously their turns to be revenged.</p> + +<p>But the bird had flown; the <i>teuth-doctor</i> had sloped; yet +a good Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his +ear, Bill started for Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a +seat, shut his eyes, and said his prayers. The little Frenchman +took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and Bill giving +one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils +at an end!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="A-a-a-int_they_Thick" id="A-a-a-int_they_Thick"></a>A-a-a-in't they Thick?</h2> + + +<p>During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative +to the fugitive slave "fizzle," a good-natured country +gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps; an humble +artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and wooden-ware +generally, from one of the remote towns of the good +old Bay State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of +Yankee land. In the multifarious operations of his shop +and business, Abner had but little time, and as little inclination, +to keep the run of <i>latest news</i>, as set forth glaringly, +every day, under the caption of <i>Telegraphic Dispatches</i>, in +the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of +the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our +friend Phipps was but meagerly "posted up" in what was +going on in this great country, half of his time. I must +do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was not ignorant +of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New +Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean +out of their boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a +humbug, and money was pretty generally considered a cash +article all over the universal world.</p> + +<p>But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive +Slave bill? Not a red cent's worth, no more than he did +of the equitation of the earth, the Wilmot proviso, or +Barnum's woolly horse—not a <i>red</i>. He came to Boston annually +to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not business. +The very first morning of his arrival in town, the +hue and cry of "slave hunters," was raised—Shadrack, the +fugitive, was arrested at his vocation—table servant at +Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill, where Abner Phipps +accidentally had stuck his boots under the mahogany, for +the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted inner-man. +Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his +<i>tapioca</i>, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what +the profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston +<i>restaurateur</i>. He saw there was a muss between the +black waiter and two red-nosed white men, but as he did +not know what it was all about, he didn't care; it was none +of his business; and being a part of his religion, not to +meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued +his <i>tapioca</i> to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the +equivalent and stepped out.</p> + +<p>As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, +that the niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to +what they used to be; and bending his footsteps down +Brattle street, once or twice it occurred to him that the +niggers <i>had</i> got to be thick—darn'd thick, for they passed +and repassed him—walked before him and behind him, and +in fact all around him.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering +thick—never saw 'em so thick in my life. <i>Ain't they thick?</i>" +he soliloquized, and as he continued his stroll in the purlieus +of "slightly soiled" garments, vulgarly known as +second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very dignified +and respectable <i>col'ud pussons</i>, it again struck Phipps +quite forcibly that the niggers were <i>a</i> getting thick.</p> + +<p>"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed +with a gridiron," said Phipps, "if there ain't more <i>niggers</i>—look +at 'em—more niggers than would patch and +grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've enough +niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop +in here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so +Abner, having reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, +pistol, bowie, jack-knife, dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop +in general. Unlucky step.</p> + +<p>The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed +shop-keeper was on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell +the stranger something. Just then a nigger passed the door, +and looked in very sharply at Phipps, and presently two +more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all <i>looking</i> more or +less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's, and +white-pine fixin's.</p> + +<p>"That's a neat <i>collar</i>," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps, +sort of miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band, +red-lined dog-collar.</p> + +<p>"Collar! don't call that a <i>collar</i>, do you?"</p> + +<p>"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir."</p> + +<p>"What for, <i>solgers</i>?" asks Phipps.</p> + +<p>"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering +his mouth as though he had <i>sampled</i> a lemon.</p> + +<p>"<i>O!</i>" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't +got no dogs; bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I +live; wouldn't pay tax for forty dogs." More niggers +passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and the storekeeper.</p> + +<p>"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick—infernal thick, +in your town lately?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I <ins title="dont">don't</ins> know that they are," replied the shop-keeper; +"getting rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive +bill has been put in force over the country, sir, but it does +appear to me," said the shop-keeper, twiging sundry and suspicious-looking +col'ud gem'en passing by his store, gaping in +rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the sash +of the windows—"it does appear to me, that a good many +colored persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why +there goes more, more yet; bless me, there's another, two, +three, four, why a dozen has just passed; they seem to look +in here rather curiously, I wonder—only look; what has +stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the +<i>Congo</i> market completely attracted the handsome man's +<a name='Pg_099' id='Pg_099'></a> +attention; his surprise finally assumed the most tangible +shape and complexion of fear, for the niggers, one and all, +looked savage as meat-axes, and began to get too numerous to mention.</p> + +<div class='image' id='illo003'> + +<img src='images/illo003.png' + alt="What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" + title="What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" +/> + +<p class='caption'>"What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of +two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding +up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he pocket!"—<a href="#Pg_099"><i>Page</i> 99.</a></p> +</div> + +<p>"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling +over some of the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching +the street, he was more fully impressed with the fixed fact, +that the niggers were all sorts of thick. They fairly +crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against +Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister," +says Phipps, "ain't all this street big enough for you without +a crowdin' me?"</p> + +<p>The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning +at Phipps, and then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone—</p> + +<p>"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis +day is ober."</p> + +<p>"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified +as to the why and wherefore, that <i>he</i> should, in particular, +be "crowded," especially by an Ethiopic gentleman.</p> + +<p>"I guess I <i>won't</i> then," resumed Phipps; "if any body +ventures to crowd me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd +apt, and mighty quick to squash in their heads, or whoop'm +on the spot."</p> + +<p>"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one +of the two big buck niggers, shying up alongside of the +now <ins title="veloscipeding">velocipeding</ins> up-country artisan. Phipps looked back, +the negroes were following him. "Pistils? <ins title="who'se">who's</ins> talkin' +about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask.</p> + +<p>"Dat's him, watch'm."</p> + +<p>"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want +to lay in a stock of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro.</p> + +<p>"You—you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another.</p> + +<p>"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?"</p> + +<p>"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third.</p> + +<p>"Dat's him! watch'm!"</p> + +<p>"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!"</p> + +<p>The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend +Phipps; he stopped, buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented; +glared at him like demons; he fixed his hat firmly +upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move upon +him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell, +and to close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty +gathering of all the human faculties called into action by +fear and desperation, Phipps bounded like a Louisiana bull +at a gate post; he knocked down two, <i>square</i>; kicked over +four, and rushing through the now very considerable and +formidable array of ebony, he <i>broke</i> equal to a wild turkey +through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound +of milky butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps +ever stopped running until his boots <i>busted</i>, or he reached +his bucket factory on Taunton river. His negro deputation +<i>waited on him</i> with a rush clear outside of town, where the +speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire committee. +The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'—by +the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter +at least, and hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud +pop'lation paid him. I have no doubt, that if Abner Phipps +be asked, how things look around Boston, he would observe +with some energy,</p> + +<p>"Niggers—niggers are thick—Godfree! <i>a-a-a-in't they thick!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="A_Desperate_Race" id="A_Desperate_Race"></a>A Desperate Race.</h2> + + +<p>Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that +met in the principal hotel in the town of Columbus, +Ohio, the seat of government of the Buckeye State.</p> + +<p>It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and +stormy, and all within were blythe and gay; when song and +story made the circuit of the festive board, filling up the +chasms of life with mirth and laughter.</p> + +<p>We had met for the express purpose of making a night +of it, and the pious intention was duly and most religiously +carried out. The Legislature was in session in +that town, and not a few of the worthy legislators were +present upon this occasion.</p> + +<p>One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a +big swath in the evening's entertainment, but he was a man +<i>more</i> generally known than our worthy President, James +K. Polk. That man was the famous Captain Riley! whose +"narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty generally +known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a +fine, fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my +story was the representative of the Dayton district, and +lived near that little city when at home. Well, Captain +Riley had amused the company with many of his far-famed +and singular adventures, which being mostly told before +and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his +book, I will not attempt to repeat them.</p> + +<p>Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, +when it came to the turn of a well known gentleman +who represented the Cincinnati district. As Mr. —— is yet +among the living, and perhaps not disposed to be the subject +of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give his name. +Mr. —— was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and +at the same time much disposed to magnify himself +into a marvellous hero whenever the opportunity offered. +As Captain Riley wound up one of his truthful, though +really marvellous adventures, Mr. —— coolly remarked, +that the captain's story was all very <i>well</i>, but it did not +begin to compare with an adventure that he had "once +upon a time" on the Ohio, below the present city of Cincinnati.</p> + +<p>"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands.</p> + +<p>"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice +for action and knocking the ashes from his cigar against +the arm of his chair. "Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of +spinning yarns of marvellous or fictitious matters; and therefore +it is scarcely necessary to affirm upon the responsibility +of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am about to +tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and—"</p> + +<p>"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. ——," chimed the party.</p> + +<p>"Well, gentlemen, in 18— I came down the Ohio river, +and settled at Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at +that time, but a little settlement of some twenty or thirty +log and frame cabins, and where now stands the Broadway +Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was the +cottage and corn patch of old Mr. ——, a tailor, who, by +the by, bought that land for the making of a coat for one +of the settlers. Well, I put up my cabin, with the aid of +my neighbors, and put in a patch of corn and potatoes, +about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about +improving my lot, house, &c.</p> + +<p>"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my +dog down the river, to look up a little deer, or <i>bar</i> meat, +then very plenty along the river. The blasted red skins +were lurking about, and hovering around the settlement, +and every once in a while picked off some of our neighbors, +or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red +demons, and made no bones of peppering the blasted +sarpents whenever I got a sight at them. In fact, the red +rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a great many traps +to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping. No, +no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that.</p> + +<p>"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take +a hunt, and travelled a long way down the river, over the +bottoms and hills, but couldn't find no <i>bar</i> nor deer. About +four o'clock in the afternoon, I made tracks for the settlement +again. By and by, I sees a buck just ahead of me, +walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my +faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting +distance, and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink, +I drew a <i>bead</i> upon his top-knot and over he tumbled, and +splurged and bounded awhile, when I came up and relieved +him by cutting his wizen—"</p> + +<p>"Well, but what had that to do with an <i>adventure</i>?" said Riley.</p> + +<p>"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen—by Jove it +had a great deal to do with it. For while I was busy skinning +the hind quarters of the buck, and stowing away the +kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise like the breaking +of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog +heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time +in reloading my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out +before my dog raised a howl and broke through the brush +towards me with his tail down, as he was not used to doing +unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins about.</p> + +<p>"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in +a skulking trot up the river. The frequent gullies, on the +lower bank, made it tedious travelling there, so I scrabbled +up to the upper bank, which was pretty well covered with +buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One +peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red +rascals, gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes, +there they came, not above six hundred yards in my rear. +Shouting and yelling like hounds, and coming after me like +all possessed."</p> + +<p>"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table, +"you took a tree of course?"</p> + +<p>"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then, +but I took to my heels like sixty, and it was just as much +as my old dog could do to keep up with me. I run until +the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter behind +me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, +and there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, +not three hundred yards in my rear. He had got on to a +piece of bottom where the trees were small and scarce—now, +thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I trotted off +at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and +when he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and +fired, and down I brought him, dead as a door nail, at a +hundred and twenty yards!"</p> + +<p>"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman.</p> + +<p>"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my +rifle loaded, here came the other two red skins, shouting +and whooping close on me, and away I broke again like a +quarter horse. I was now about five miles from the settlement, +and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my wind +began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and +there they came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about +two or three hundred yards ahead of the other, so I +acted possum again until the foremost Injin got pretty +well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was +'drawing a <i>bead</i>' on me; he fell head over stomach into +the dirt, and up came the last one!"</p> + +<p>"So you laid for him and—" gasped several.</p> + +<p>"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, +I hadn't time to load, so I layed <i>legs</i> to ground, and +started again. I heard every bound he made after me. I +ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my eyes, and the old +dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard long!"</p> + +<p>"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody.</p> + +<p>"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't +know—rifle empty, no big trees about, and a murdering red +Indian not three hundred yards in my rear; and, what was +worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not a great +ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there +I should be pinned at last.</p> + +<p>"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root, +and down I tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I +could scrabble up—"</p> + +<p>"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman.</p> + +<p>"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under +the shoulder; but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon +my locomotion, for as soon as I got up I took off again, +quite freshened by my fall! I heard the red skin close behind +me coming booming on, and every minute I expected +to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders.</p> + +<p>"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs +into my boots—"</p> + +<p>"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the +old woodsman, in a great state of excitement.</p> + +<p>"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you +think it was?"</p> + +<p>Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the +blazes it could be. When Riley observed—</p> + +<p>"I suppose you had—"</p> + +<p>"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of +my hunting shirt, and the grease was running down my legs +until my feet got so greasy that my heavy boots flew off, +and one hitting the dog, nearly knocked his brains out."</p> + +<p>We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed—</p> + +<p>"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think +I'm exaggerating?"</p> + +<p>"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ——," we all chimed in.</p> + +<p>"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being +relieved of my heavy boots, I put off with double quick +time, and seeing the creek about half a mile off, I ventured +to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a chance +there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming +jogging along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred +yards in the rear. Thinks I, here goes to load any how. +So at it I went—in went the powder, and putting on my +patch, down went the ball about half-way, and off snapped +my ramrod!"</p> + +<p>"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, +who was worked up to the top-notch in the "member's" story.</p> + +<p>"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the +red whelp within two hundred yards of me, pacing along +and <i>loading up his rifle as he came!</i> I jerked out the +broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming up +as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin +a blast any how, as soon as I reached the creek.</p> + +<p>"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could +see the smoke from the settlement chimneys; a few more +jumps and I was by the creek. The Indian was close upon +me—he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he came, +knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not +down; another whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty +yards of me! I pulled trigger, and—"</p> + +<p>"And killed <i>him</i>?" chuckled Riley.</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir!</i> I missed fire!"</p> + +<p>"And the red skin—" shouted the old woodsman in a +phrenzy of excitement—</p> + +<p>"<i>Fired and killed me!</i>"</p> + +<p>The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought +landlord Noble, servants and hostlers, running up stairs to +see if the house was on fire!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Dodging_the_Responsibility" id="Dodging_the_Responsibility"></a>Dodging the Responsibility.</h2> + + +<p>"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an <i>unwilling witness</i>, +"Sir! do you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is +a dishonest <i>man</i>?"</p> + +<p>"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest +man, did I?" replied Pipkins.</p> + +<p>"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins, +that the plaintiff's reputation is bad?" inquired the judge, +merely putting the question to keep his eyes open.</p> + +<p>"I didn't say it was good, I reckon."</p> + +<p>"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath—mind, +upon your oath, upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is +a rogue, a villain and a thief!"</p> + +<p>"<i>You</i> say so," was Pip's reply.</p> + +<p>"Haven't <i>you</i> said so?"</p> + +<p>"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use +of my repeating it?"</p> + +<p>"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer +of Thumbtown, "Sir-r! I charge you, upon your +sworn oath, do you or do you not say—Blinkins stole things?"</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir</i>," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never +said Blinkins stole things, but I <i>do</i> say—<i>he's got a way of +finding things that nobody lost!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="in_Prairie_Land" id="in_Prairie_Land"></a>A Night Adventure in Prairie Land.</h2> + + +<p>"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower +end of your +<i>mot</i>,"<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> +said I to my companion. "You remain +here; lie down flat, and I'll warrant the old doe and +her fawns will be found retracing their steps."</p> + +<div class="footnote"> +<p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> +<i>Mot</i> is the name given small clumps of trees or woods, +found scattered over the prairie land of Texas.</p> +</div> + +<p>We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three +of us; one, an old hunter, who, after marking out our +course, giving us the lay of the land, and various admonitions +as to the danger of getting too far from camp, looking +out for "Injin signs," &c., "Old Traps," as we called him, +took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion +were each armed with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the +way, and mine an Ohio piece, carrying about one hundred +and twenty balls to the pound, consequently very light, and +not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred yards. +It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe +consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats, +two shirts, and jean hunting shirts—all thin, to be sure, but +warm and comfortable enough for a day's hunt. We +trudged about until noon, firing but once, and then at an +alligator in a <i>bayou</i>, whose coat of mail laughed to scorn +our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt, +he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid +stream. Seating ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood, +we made a slight repast upon some cold <i>pone</i>, which, moistened +with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must needs +confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont +dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed, +all of a sudden we heard a racket in our rear, which, +though it startled us at first, soon apprised us that game +was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few yards +above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down +the slight bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns.</p> + +<p>As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their +noses into the drink, we both let drive at them: but, in +my rising upon my knee to fire at the buck, he got wind of +the courtesies I was about to tender him, and absolutely +dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he +"juked"—to use an old-fashioned western word—down his +head the moment he saw fire, the bullet merely made the +fur fly down his neck, and, with a back bound or double +somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked thunder.</p> + +<p>Our eyes met—we both grinned.</p> + +<p>"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!"</p> + +<p>"Both missed?" says I.</p> + +<p>"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a +greaser or Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat +us about the jaws with 'em!"</p> + +<p>It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we +both laughed quite jocosely at it.</p> + +<p>"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle, +"you and I can't give it up so, no how." Tripping up a +cup of the alligator fluid, we washed down our crumbs, and +started. We followed the deer about two miles up the +<i>bayou</i>; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking, +and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a +suspicious place carefully and cautiously, we had another +fair view of the doe and fawns, feeding and watching on the +side of a broad prairie. The distance between us was +quite extensive; we could not well approach within shooting +distance without alarming them. The only alternative +was for my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush +and stuff, and let me circumvent the critters; one of us +would surely get a whack at them. I started; a slow, tedious +scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to the windward +of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass +and chapperel, about a branch of the <i>bayou</i>, the old doe +began to raise her head occasionally, and scent the air: +this, as I got still nearer, she repeated more frequently, +until, at length, she took the hint, and made a break down +towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just +as the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired. +'Bout went the deer, making a dash for my quarters; but +before getting any ways near me, down toppled one of the +young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my blood was up—I +was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and +perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot, +off hand, as the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at +over eighty yards, I let her have the best I had; the bullet +struck—the old doe jumped, by way of an extra, about five +by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask permission at that. +A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in peppering a +few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an amateur +hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or +flock of wild <ins title="turkies">turkeys</ins>, you may safely premise it would take +some capital to buy him off.</p> + +<p>I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps," +greasers and Injins—my whole capital was invested in the +old <i>doe</i>, and I was after <i>her</i>. She was badly wounded; I +thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon, and I followed clear +across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling considerably +fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and +being no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled +along, I sat down, wiped the salt water from my parboiled +countenance, and began to—— think I'd gone far enough +for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little too far, for the +sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the black +shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I +hurried out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it +was no go. I had entirely reversed the order of things, in +my mind; I had lost my bearings. The evening was +cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet night, and neither +moon nor stars were to be seen.</p> + +<p>Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the +broad prairie, upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I +plodded along, quite chilly, and my thin garments, wet +from perspiration, were cold as cakes of ice to my flesh. +I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the right +track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was +some doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for +raising a fire, and the <i>meat</i> and what bread was left at our +last repast. Night came right down in the midst of my +cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain began to +fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of +spirits—the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not +even the tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark +monotony, is a wet blanket to cheerfulness. I really think +the stillness of a large prairie is one of the most painful +sensations of loneliness, a man ever encountered. The +sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a +comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially +double-distilled monotony of these great American +grass-patches—you can't call them deserts, for at times they +represent interminable flower-gardens, of the most elegant +and voluptuous description.</p> + +<p>Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye; +how I envied—not for the first time either—the unthankful +inmates of even a second-rate boarding-house! A negro +cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe cake, had charms, in +my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into fit themes +for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least +three miles, in one direction, I struck a large <i>mot</i>, that jutted +out into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to +hang up for the night. I was soaking wet—hungry and +wolfish enough. My utter desperation induced me to work +for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a piece +of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no +Ingins. I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that +the red devils would surround me, give me one bite and a +drink, and I'd die happy. All of a sudden, I got sight of +a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the distance! It +was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold +as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff +limbs, and struck a bee line for the light. After wading, +stumbling, and tramping, until my weary legs would bear +me no longer, I had the mortification to see the fire at as +great a distance as when I first started. This about knocked +me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let +myself be wet down into <i>papier mache</i> by the descending +elements. Blessed was he that invented sleep, says Sancho +Panza, but he was a better workman that invented <i>spunk</i>. +All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort of +martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched +straight for the fire in the weary distance. A steady and +toilsome perseverance over brake and bush, mud, ravine, +grass and water, at length brought me near the fire. And +then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian +camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the +morning with a human barbecue, and these impressions +were nearly sufficient inducement for me to go no further. +It might be my friend Mat's fire, and it might not be: it +wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a fire, and the +more I debated, the worse complexion things bore. Involuntarily, +however, I edged on up towards the fire, which +was going down apparently. Coming to a <i>bayou</i>, I reconnoitered +some time. All was quiet, save the pattering of +the rain in the grass, and on the scattering lofty trees. I +stood still and absorbed, watching the dying fire, for an +hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense +darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a +murky, rainy morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued, +and hungry beyond all mental supervision or fear, I marched +point blank up to the fire, and there lay—not a tribe of +Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast asleep, +under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside +of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug!</p> + +<p>I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of +any red skin within ten miles, and Mat started upon his +feet and snatched his "Yeager" from under the log quicker +than death.</p> + +<p>"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only +going to eat ye!"</p> + +<p>Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of +his fawn was jerked and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing +about five pounds, and getting a few whiffs at Mat's +old stone pipe, I took his nest under the log, and slept a +few hours sound as a pig of lead.</p> + +<p>Waked up, prime—stowed away a few more pounds of +the fawn, and then we started for camp. Living and faring +in this manner, for from three to twelve months, may give +you some idea of the training the heroes of San Jacinto had.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Roosting_Out" id="Roosting_Out"></a>Roosting Out.</h2> + + +<p>In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General +Samuel Houston and his little Spartan band, which +event settled the war, and something like tranquillity being +restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a small +hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour +up and across the Sabine, and so into the United States, +homeward bound.</p> + +<p>There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr. +Clenen, one of our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and +mules, in the party; and with a tolerable fair camp equipage, +plenty of ammunition, one or two "old campaigners" +and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed +we should have a pleasant time. The first five days +were cold, being early Spring, wet, and not <i>very</i> interesting; +but as all of the party had seen some service, and not +expecting the comforts and delicacies of civilization, they +were all the better prepared to take things as they came, +and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow, +and reach Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas, +and strike near Fort Smith, in twenty or thirty +days. We left Houston in the morning, passed Montgomery, +and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and +Trinity River, the first five days, then stood off north for +the head of the Sabine.</p> + +<p>Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in +with some wild turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days +and lived like fighting cocks. The turkeys were picked +off the tall trees, as they roosted after night, by rifle shots, +and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich flavor of a +well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a crowder—a +large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as +a barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base, +and full three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up. +This must have been the hive of many and many a swarm, +for years past; the tree was cut down, and contained from +one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb! Nor are +such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red +River, &c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather +then being much improved, it was suggested that the camp +should be moved a few miles off, and leave the bee tree and +its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if they did +come about, we should come back and have a few pops at +them. The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing +a few gallons of the translucent delicacy, the camp was +struck, and, following an old trail a few miles, we found a +delightful site for recamping under some large oaks on a +creek, a tributary of the Sabine river.</p> + +<p>Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during +the day had found "a deer lick," about three miles above +the camp, and to vary the <i>viands</i> a little, it was proposed +that three of the boys should go up after dark, lay about, +and see if a shot could be had at some of the visitors of "the lick."</p> + +<p>One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old +traps," from the fact of his always being so ready to explain +the manner and uses of all sorts of traps, and the +inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the course +of twenty years' experience in the far west.</p> + +<p>Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed +committee, that night, to attend to the cases of the deer. +Soon after dark we put out, and in the course of a couple +of hours, after some floundering in a muddy "bottom" and +through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was found, +and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps" +took a lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted +on a dead tree, with a few bushes around it, and in a particularly +dark spot, from the fact of some very heavy timber +with wide-spreading tops standing around and nearly over us.</p> + +<p>The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation, +for a long time, is most desirable and necessary in the character +of a hunter;—some men have a faculty for holding +a fishing-rod hours at a time over a fishless tide, with wondrous +ardor; and I have known men to watch deer, bear, +and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty hours. +Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain, +and a musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant +pastime; but my patience revolted at the idea of squatting +on the wet log, all cramped up, three or four hours, and no +deer making their appearance; Doctor and I made up our +minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp. +Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two +deer, fine antlered customers, made their appearance about +three hundred yards from us, out on a small plain, where +their sprightly forms could just be made out as they leisurely +stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon +convinced us that <i>his</i> eye was still open, although we had +concluded he was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack +of "old traps'" rifle brought down one of the deer, and +the other, in bounds of thirty or forty feet at a spring, +whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I fired at the +flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off he sped.</p> + +<p>"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we +all bustled up to where the deer lay kicking and plunging +in his death throes. "By Jove, 'traps,' you've put a ball +clean through his head!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself."</p> + +<p>"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I.</p> + +<p>"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued +loading up his rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's +hide, quarter it, and travel back to the camp, for we ain't +gwoine to have any more deer to-night."</p> + +<p>This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters +and hide, and travelled; Doctor and I brought up the +rear with the rest of the meat and fat.</p> + +<p>To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded +to take a little round-about way, and relieved one +another by taking "spells" at carrying the rifles and the +meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for some time, +when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the +camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough.</p> + +<p>Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was +behind some twenty yards with both rifles; we were passing +through some thin timber which skirted a little prairie, out +on which we could see quite distinctly; Doctor made a sudden halt—</p> + +<p>"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?"</p> + +<p>"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor, +who made free to drop the meat, wheeled about, +snatched his rifle out of my fists and <i>broke!</i></p> + +<p>"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!"</p> + +<p>Upon that <i>hint</i> there were two gentlemen seen hurrying +themselves <i>somewhat</i>, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor +was what you might call a fast trotter, but when he broke +into a full gallop the odds against me were dreadful! I +was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out stopped +to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face +and dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain +where the Doctor had got to. No sound broke the reigning +stillness, save the sonorous "coo-hoot" of an owl. My +rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that my caps +were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared +in the fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely +at a dead loss as to the bearings of the camp.</p> + +<p>"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over +spilt milk—it's no use to move when there is no idea existing +of bettering one's self, so here I'll <i>roost</i> until daylight, +unless Doctor comes back to hunt me up!" I judged it +was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it possible +that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite +to follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!—A proper +site for a <i>roost</i> was the next matter of importance, and a +scrubby oak with a thick top, close by, offered an inviting +elevation to lodge.</p> + +<p>A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp +air of its approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a +crotch very fatiguing "pastime."</p> + +<p>When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation +that convinced me, according to Indian signs, that +Doctor and I had gone South too far to hit the camp, and, +to the best of my reckoning, the old bee tree was not far +out of my way, and that I now struck for.</p> + +<p>About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the +bee tree, made a dinner on honey, which was scattered +about considerably, giving evidence of its having been +visited by our rugged Russian friends.</p> + +<p>And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not +linger about a spot where troublesome customers might +abound, I made tracks for the camp, which was reached +about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the Doctor +had not come in yet.</p> + +<p>"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been +prophesying "the boys" were lost, and would not soon be +found again. However, the old fellow put away his deer +skin, which he had been cleaning, &c., to give me a feed +of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my +exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious. +Two of the party, with one of the black boys, and a mule, +had been out since noon in quest of us, and about midnight +they returned with the Doctor, who congratulated me on +what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all +concluded <i>it was a</i> <span class="smcap">deer</span> <i>hunt!</i> Though we "had a time" +at the bee tree, next night, that made us about square.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Rather_Twangy" id="Rather_Twangy"></a>Rather Twangy.</h2> + + +<p>Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, +but full of sin, and fond of the crater, broke into a country +store down in Maine, one night last week, and after striking +a light, they <i>lit</i> upon a large demijohn, having the suspicious +look of a whiskey holder. One held the light, while another +held up the <i>demi</i> to his mouth, and took a small taster.</p> + +<p>"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky, +I'm thinkin'!" says the fellow, screwing his face into +all manner of puckers.</p> + +<p>"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and +I'll take a swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "<i>Agh!</i>" +says he, putting down the demijohn in haste, "it's rale +bhrandy—<i>agh-h!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a +swig at 'em," and Paddy number three took hold, and down +he rushed a good slew of it!</p> + +<p>"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened—o-o-och! +Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo, +that the neighbors were awakened. They came rushing in, +and arrested Paddy number three. The others fled, with +their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow had +drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha +stomach, he stood the infliction without kicking the bucket, +but he was bleached, in two days—white as a bolt of cotton cloth!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Around_the_Fodder" id="Around_the_Fodder"></a>Passing Around the Fodder!<br /> +<span class='smcap'>A Dinner Sketch</span>. +</h2> + +<p>A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to +Boston, on the "<i>Empire State</i>," one of the most +elegant and swift steamers that ever man's ingenuity put +upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker +city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining +and eulogising the external appearance and internal +arrangements of the "Empire," winding up our investigation, +of course, with a <i>look</i> into a small corner cupboard +in the barber's office, where a superb <i>smile</i>—as <i>is</i> a smile—can +be usually enjoyed by the <i>nobbish</i> investment of a York +shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"—gliding +by the beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely +palaces of the business men of the great city of New York, +we were soon out upon the broad, deep Sound, a glorious +place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells announced +"supper ready"—a general stampede into the spacious +cabin took place, and though the tables strung along forty +rods on each side of the great cabin, not over half the +crowd got seats upon this interesting occasion. I was +<i>about</i> with my friend—in <i>time</i>, stuck our legs under the +mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper +superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar +from his devotions. We got along very nicely. An old +chap who sat above us some seats, and whose rotund developments +gave any ordinary observer reason to suppose his +appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching +about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd +bawl "right eout" for them.</p> + +<p>"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that +saas; give us a chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what +d'ye call that stuff?"</p> + +<p>"This?" says one, passing along a dish.</p> + +<p>"Pshaw, no, t'other there."</p> + +<p>"Oh! ah! yes, <i>this</i>," says my facetious friend.</p> + +<p>"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and +down we sent the biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood.</p> + +<p>"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll +see how it works."</p> + +<p>Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the +various <i>heavy</i> courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed +it over to my next neighbor with—</p> + +<p>"Please to pass that up, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the +plate very gingerly; "pass it <i>up</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Aye, yes, if you please," says I.</p> + +<p>By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his +fists, and began to look about him where to pass the plate +<i>to</i>. Nobody in particular seemed on the watch for a <i>spare</i> +plate. The gent looked back at me, but I was "cutting +away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left +eye the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon +the corn pile of my friend's foot under the table.</p> + +<p>At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the +table waiting for the plate, and quickly he whispered to his +next neighbor—</p> + +<p>"Please, sir, to-to-a, <i>just pass this plate up!</i>"</p> + +<p>The man took the plate, and being more of a practical +operator than his neighbor, gave the plate over to <i>his</i> next +neighbor, with—</p> + +<p>"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please," +dodging his head towards an old gent in specs, who sat +near the head of the table, grinning a ghastly smile over +the field of good things.</p> + +<p>"It's <i>going!</i>"</p> + +<p>"<i>What?</i>" says my friend.</p> + +<p>"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet, +you'll see a good thing."</p> + +<p>The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It +was given to the old gentleman in specs; he looked over +the top of his specs very deliberately at the "fodder," then +back at the thin, pale, student-looking youth who handed +it to him, then up and down the table. A raw-boned, +gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old +gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His +lips quacked as if in the act of—"pass this plate, sir,"—to +his next neighbor; he was too far off for us to <i>hear</i> his +discourse. Well, the plate came booming along down the +opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over to +his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold +of the invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably, +that he was keeping <i>somebody</i> (!) out of his grub, so he +quickly turned to his neighbor and passed the plate. One +or two more moves brought the plate within our range, +and there it liked to have <i>stuck</i>, for a fussy old Englishman, +in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted—</p> + +<p>"I don't want it, sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, but, sir, please <i>pass it</i>," says the last victim, beseechingly +holding out the plate.</p> + +<p>"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at +length reluctantly seizing on the plate, and rushing it on +to his next neighbor, who started—</p> + +<p>"Not mine, sir."</p> + +<p>"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody."</p> + +<p>Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their +pretty eyes and noses while the gents <i>passed it</i> by them.</p> + +<p>"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that +you gave me!" says my next neighbor, to whom I had first +given the "currency."</p> + +<p>"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with +feigned astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a +good supper so universally discarded!"</p> + +<p>The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the +table. An elderly lady looked up, looked around, removed +a large sweet potato from the pile—then passed it along. +An old salty-looking captain, just then took a vacant seat, +and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He +looked voracious—</p> + +<p>"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort; +thunder and oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's +the <i>duff for me!</i>"</p> + +<p>That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and +my friend—<i>yelled right out!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Hint_to_Soyer" id="Hint_to_Soyer"></a>A Hint to Soyer.</h2> + + +<p>Magrundy says, in his work on <i>Grub</i>, that a Frenchman +will "frigazee" a pair of old boots and make a respectable +soup out of an ancient chapeau; but our friend Perriwinkle +affirms that the French ain't "nowhere," after a feat he +saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding +house" in the North End:—the landlady made a chowder +out of an old broom mixed with sinders, and after all the +boarders had dined upon it scrumptiously, the remains made +broth for the whole family, next day, besides plenty of +fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is bound—<i>to +make Rome howl!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Leg_of_Mutton" id="Leg_of_Mutton"></a>The Leg of Mutton.</h2> + + +<p>I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a +very remarkable man, who went to market to get a leg of +mutton for his Sunday dinner. I have heard, or read somewhere +or other, almost similar stories; whether they were +real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for +the authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well.</p> + +<p>In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some +military disputes with England, which elicited some pretty +tall fights by land and sea, and the land we live in was considerably +excited upon the subject, and patriotism rose to +many degrees above blood heat. Philadelphia, about that +time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the scene of drum-beating, +marching and counter-marching, and volunteering +of the patriotic people.</p> + +<p>The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors +of the respective States reiterated them, and a large +portion of our brave republicans were soon in or marching +to the battle field. There lived and wrought at his trade, +carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia, about that time, +a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was +his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man, +married, had a small, comfortable family, and to all intents +and purposes, settled down for life. How deceptive, how +unstable, how uncertain is man, to say nothing of the more +frail portion of the creation—woman! Peter Houp one +fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to +get a leg of mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's +dinner. Beyond the object of research, Peter never dreamed +of extending his travels for that day, certain. A leg of +mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a matter +somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of +mutton as can be found on this side of the big pond, can +be found almost any Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania +market wagons, which congregate along Second street, for +a mile or two in a string. Peter could have secured his +leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most.</p> + +<p>But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and +in the course of time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for +which the <i>leg of mutton</i> was to be brought and prepared, +and offered up, a sacrifice to the household gods and grateful +appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor the +man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors +of the carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the +next! I cannot, of course, realize half the agony or tortures +of suspense that must have preyed upon that wife's +heart and brain, that must have haunted her feverish dreams +at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death +strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled, +cold, breathless, dead—we see, we know there is the +end! Grief has its season, the bitterest of woe then calms, +subsides, or ceases; but <i>lost</i>—which hope prevents mourning +as dead, and whose death-like absence almost precludes +the idea that they live, engenders in the soul of true affection, +a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more +agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have +endeavored to depict what must have been, what were the +feelings of Peter Houp's wife. She mourned and grieved, +and still hoped on, though months and years passed away +without imparting the slightest clue to the unfortunate fate +of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a girl, +grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings +of the lost man having reached his family; but they +still lived with a kind of despairing hope that the husband +and father would yet <i>come home</i>, and so he did.</p> + +<p>Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter. +As he strolled along with his basket under his arm, on the +eventful morning he sought the leg of mutton, he met a +platoon of men dressed up in uniform, muskets on their +shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of +hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes, +it was a company of volunteers, just about shipping off for +the South, to join the "Old Zack" of that day, General +Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks of the volunteers +several of his old <i>chums</i>; he spoke to them, walked along +with the men of Mars, got inspired—patriotic—<i>drunk</i>. +Two days after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet, +honest, and industrious carpenter left his wife and children +full of hope and happiness, he found himself in blue breeches, +roundabout, and black cap, on board a brig—bound for +New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was too late +to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through +the foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile, +as she could not reach New Orleans, the British under +General Packenham being off the Balize. So the volunteers +were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over land to +the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was +not only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false +step once in life, but a brave one. Having gone so far, +and made a step so hard to retrace, Peter's cool reason got +bothered; he poured the spirits down to keep his spirits +up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate. +Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the +cotton bags, which he had assisted in getting down from +the city to the battle ground, piled up, and now ready to +defend his country while life lasted. Peter fought well, being +a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself, tall, +firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's +attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally +complimented for his skill and courage by the victorious +Commander-in-chief. Every body knows the history of +the battle of New Orleans—I need not relate it. After the +victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license, and +they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as +all cities are likely to represent when near a victorious +army. Peter Houp was on a "regular bender," a "big +tare," a long spree—and for one so unlike any thing of the +kind, he went it with a <i>perfect looseness</i>.</p> + +<p>A rich citizen's house was robbed—burglariously entered +and robbed; and Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia +carpenter, who would not have bartered his reputation +for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his sober senses, +was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation, +false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary. +O, what an awful probation of sorrow and mental +agony were those seven long years! But they passed +over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse man, fortunately, +but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard +a word of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted—his +family—for eight years, and his heart yearned +towards them so strongly that, pennyless, pale and care-worn +as he was, he would have started immediately for +home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he concluded +to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of +his abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter. +Weeks, months, and a year passed, and no reply came, +though another letter was dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage +of the first; (and both letters did miscarry, as the +wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as a lost +man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death +could end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune +would have it, he never again sought refuge from his sorrows +in the poisoned chalice, the rum glass; not he. Peter +toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four years found +himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard cash, +and a fully established good name. But all of this time he +had heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden, +one fine day in early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived +in Philadelphia; and in a few rods from the wharf, +upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor. The astonishment +of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out—</p> + +<p>"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?"</p> + +<p>"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans."</p> + +<p>Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in +the same place, and long mourned him as forever gone. +Peter Houp felt any thing but merry, but he was determined +to have his joke and a merry meeting. In an hour or two +Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own door.</p> + +<p>"Well, Nancy, <i>here is thy leg of mutton!</i>" and a fine +one too he had.</p> + +<p>The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker +origin; sober and stoical as her husband, she regarded +him wistfully as he stood in the door, for a long +time; at last she spoke—</p> + +<p>"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a <i>long time for it</i>."</p> + +<p>The next moment found them locked in each other's +arms; overtasked nature could stand no more, and they +both cried like children.</p> + +<p>The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and +lives yet, I believe, an old and highly respected citizen of +"Brotherly Love."</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_on_Misers" id="Chapter_on_Misers"></a>A Chapter on Misers.</h2> + + +<p>We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity—<i>money</i>. +The poor feel its want, the rich know +its power. Virtue falls before its corrupting and seductive +influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp and +power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt +hearts and enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance—yea, +curse of mankind in general.</p> + +<p>It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not +over one in a thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on +to amass dollar upon dollar, until the shining heaps of garnered +gold and silver become a god, and a faith, that the +rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the +most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency, +against the odds and chances of advanced life, a man may +be pardoned for a degree of economical prudence; but for +parsimonious meanness, there is certainly no excuse. I +have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who +owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as +well as many excellent farms around there, and who, though +rich as a Jew (worth $200,000), was so despicably and +scandalously mean, as to go through the markets and beg +bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup for +their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating +"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and +add dime and dollar to his already bursting coffers.</p> + +<p>At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was +one the poor wretch would fain have gotten a little more +time on, but the Court of Death brooks no delay—there is +no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs of error, by +which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire, can +gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The +miser was called for, and he knew his time had come. He +sent for the undertaker, he bargained for his burial—</p> + +<p>"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir—I'm poor, miserably +poor. I want but three carriages. My children may want +a dozen—I say but <i>three</i>; put that down. A very plain +coffin; pine, stained will do, and no ornaments, hark ye. +A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms, +but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry +me out! Now, what will you ask for the job?"</p> + +<p>"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker.</p> + +<p>"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say +fifteen dollars—give me a receipt—<i>and I'll pay you the +cash down!</i>"</p> + +<p>Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul +had flown to its resting-place in another world.</p> + +<p>In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the +Neck," there lived, some years ago, a wealthy old man, who +resorted to sundry curious methods to live without cost to +himself. His house—one of the handsomest mansions in +the "South End," in its day—stood near the road over +which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market, +with their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old +Gripes would be up before day, and on the lookout for +these wagons.</p> + +<p>"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to +the countryman.</p> + +<p>"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages, +turnips, parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?"</p> + +<p>At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the +vegetables, pocket a <ins title="potatoe">potato</ins>, an onion, turnip, or—</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures +can't afford to pay such prices as you ask; no, no—we +must wait until they come down." The old miser would +sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and the +farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser, +and lay in ambush for another load, and thus, in course of +a few hours, he would raise enough vegetables to give his +household a dinner. Another "dodge" of this artful old +dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of course, +a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then +go abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence, +and when he had four fourpences, get a quarter of a +dollar for them, and thus in getting a dollar, he made four +per cent., by several hours' disgusting meanness and labor.</p> + +<p>But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man +had watched him for some time purloining his vegetables, +and on the first of the year, sent in a bill of several +dollars, for turnips, potatoes, parsnips, &c. The old miser, +of course, refused to pay the bill, denying ever having had +"the goods." But the countryman called, in <i>propria persona</i>, +refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill +was not footed on sight, he should prosecute him for +<i>stealing!</i> This made the old miser shake in his boots. He +blustered for awhile; then reasoned the case; then plead +poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man +to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him +into his sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young +scamp, to go up stairs and see if he could find five dollars +in any of the drawers or boxes up there. The young man +finally called out—</p> + +<p>"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, <i>the gold or silver</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man—"the boy wants to +let on I've got bags of gold and silver!"</p> + +<p>And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold +and silver; he hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and +tried to get off fifty cents less than the countryman's bill; +but the countryman was stubborn as a mule, and would not +abate a farthing—so the old miser had to hobble up stairs +and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole operation +was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking +out eye-teeth.</p> + +<p>The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not +long after this, he got a spurious dollar put upon him in +one of his "exchanging" operations, and that wound up his +penny shaving.</p> + +<p>Time passed—Death called upon the wretched man of +ingots and money bags,—but while power remained to +forbid it, the old miser refused to have a physician. When, +to all appearance, his senses were gone, his friends drew +the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had +always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours, +and his last illness—but as one of the attendants slowly removed +the garment, the poor old man, with a convulsive +effort—a galvanic-like grab—threw out his bony, cold hand, +and seized his old pantaloons!</p> + +<p>The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words +struggled in his throat; he could not utter them; his jaw +fell—he was dead!</p> + +<p>Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives +to know what could have caused the poor old man to +cling to his time-worn pantaloons; but the mystery was +soon revealed—for upon examination of the linings of the +waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were +there concealed!</p> + +<p>The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such +misguided and wretched slaves of—money, say we.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Dog_Day" id="Dog_Day"></a>Dog Day.</h2> + + +<p>I used to like dogs—a puppy love that I got bravely +over, since once upon a time, when a Dutch <i>bottier</i>, in +the city of Charleston, S. C., put an end to my poor <i>Sue</i>,—the +prettiest and most devoted female bull terrier specimen +of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My <i>Sue</i> +got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating +cordwainer and she had a dispute—he, the bullet-headed +ball of wax, ups with his revolver, and—I was dogless! +I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and every +man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay +for the luxury handsomely—to the city authorities. Some +people have a great weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen +seem to think it the very apex of highcockalorumdom +to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly polished +collar—following them through crowded thorough-fares. +Some young ladies, especially those of doubtful +ages, delight in caressing lumps of white, cotton-looking +dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the disgust of +the lookers-on—with all the fondness and blind infatuation +of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever +you see any quantity of white and black <i>loafers</i>—Philadelphia, +for instance, you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched +looking curs. Boz says poverty and oysters have a great +affinity; in this country, for oysters read <i>dogs</i>. Who has +not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had +occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain +awake, for hours at a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not +worth to any body the powder that would blow him up—but +has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law, so judiciously +practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever had +a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and <i>nip</i> out a patch of +your trowsers, boot top and calf—the size of an oyster, +but has felt for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal +enmity to the whole canine race? Who that ever had a +big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and patent leathers—just +as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly +forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his +grief—like a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand.</p> + +<p>The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, +dogs are a nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the +"Spirit," and his thousand and one dog-fancying and inquiring +friends, may think to the contrary; and the man +that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a +tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.</p> + +<p>While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, +New York, I heard a good dog story that will bear repeating, +I think. A sporting gent from the country, stopping at +the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not particular +whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier +or Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement +in the Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he +did, requesting the "fancy" to bring along the right sort +of dog to the Irving House, room number —.</p> + +<p>The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two +papers on Saturday. There were but few calls that day; +but on Monday, the "Spirit" having been freely imbibed +by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men were +awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room +number —had scarcely got up, before a servant appeared +with a man and a dog.</p> + +<p>"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal.</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, +by the way, it must be premised, was rather green as to +the quality and prices of fancy dogs.</p> + +<p>"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added.</p> + +<p>"A greyhound, full blooded, sir."</p> + +<p>"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, +he don't look as though he had much blood in him. He'd +look better, wouldn't he, mister, if he was full bellied—looks +as hollow as a flute!"</p> + +<p>This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog +man, who first looked at his dog and then at the critic. +Choking down his dander, or disgust, says he:</p> + +<p>"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, what do you ask for him?"</p> + +<p>"Seventy-five dollars."</p> + +<p>"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?"</p> + +<p>"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: +"you don't know a hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! +Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!" and the man and dog disappeared.</p> + +<p>The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two +minutes, before the servant appeared with two more dog +merchants; both had their specimens along, and were invited +to "step in."</p> + +<p>"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, +the moment his eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a +thundering edition of Mt. St. Bernard.</p> + +<p>"That <i>is</i> a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the +dog merchant.</p> + +<p>"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman.</p> + +<p>"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought +of getting about fifty-five dollars for him, but I—"</p> + +<p><a id="Pg_136" name="Pg_136"></a>"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's +enough—he won't suit, no how; I can't go them figures +on dogs." The man and dog left growling, and the next +man and dog were brought up.</p> + +<p>"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got +no hair on it; why, where in blazes did you raise such a +dog as that; been scalded, hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, +examining the critter.</p> + +<p>"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable +at the speaker, "why didn't you never see a Chinese +terrier, afore?"</p> + +<p>"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. +Why, he looks like a singed possum?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to +advertise for a <i>dog</i>, and don't know Chiney terrier from a +singed possum?"</p> + +<p>Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as +the man opened it to get out with his singed possum, a +genus who evidently "killed for Keyser," rushed in with a +pair of the ugliest-looking—savage—snub-nosed, slaughter-house +pups, "the fancy" might ever hope to look upon! +As these meat-axish canines made a rush at the very boot +tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty perceptibly.</p> + +<p><a id='illo1ref' name='illo1ref'></a>"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You +needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty—day's +de dogs, mister, vot you read of!"</p> + +<p>"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, +eyeing the ugly brutes.</p> + +<p>"Fierce? Better believe dey are—show 'em a f-f-ight, +if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! You want +to see der teeth?"</p> + +<p>"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; +"they are not exactly what I want," he continued.</p> + +<p>"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look +a'here, you don't go for to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' +for to fetch d-dogs clean down here, for nuthin', do you, +sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds and lam +ye out o' yer boots!"</p> + +<p>Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent +propositions were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant +opening the door and ushering in more dogs; and no +sooner did Jakey's pups see the new-comers, than they +went in; a fight ensued—both of Jakey's pups lighting +down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared +perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous +jaw of his own, made the bones of the pups crack +with the high pressure he gave them. Of course a dog +fight is the <i>cue</i> for a man fight, and in the wag of a dead +lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had +a dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing <i>a la</i> "the fancy," when +the sorrel dog man—who, like his dog, was got up on a +liberal scale of strength and proportions—walked right +into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him in double flip-flaps +on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room! +Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in +bodily fear than otherwise, and was making a break for the +door, to clear himself, when, to his horror and amazement, +he found the entry beset by sundry men and boys, and any +quantity of dogs—dogs of every hue, size, and description. +At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their +equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs—another +fight ensued on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and +some others, and then a stampede of dogs—mixing up of +dogs—tangling of ropes and straps—cursing and hurraing, +and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than +described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry—to +say nothing of the yelps of dogs, came out of their various +rooms, and retired as quickly, to escape the stray and confused +dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing, yelping, and pitching +all over the house! By judicious marshalling of the servants—broom-sticks, +rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and +their various proprietors were ejected, and order once +more restored; the country sportsman seized his valise, +paid his bills and "vamosed the ranche," and ever after it +was incorporated in the rules of the Irving, that gentlemen +are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while "putting +up" in that house.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Amateur_Gardening" id="Amateur_Gardening"></a>Amateur Gardening.</h2> + + +<p>"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set +out this Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, +to his wife, one morning a month ago, as he hunted +in vain among the weeds and grass of his garden, to see +where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots were +going to appear.</p> + +<p>"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. +"Goldblossom said they were the finest roots he ever sold—ought +to be up and in bloom—two months ago."</p> + +<p>"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, +"that our Patrick, one morning last Spring, was digging in +the garden there, and he turned up some things that looked +just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked at them, and +thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left +undug when they moved away last winter!"</p> + +<p>"Well, you-a—" gasped Tapehorn.</p> + +<p>"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, +and they were the meanest tasting things we ever knew, and +we gave them all to the pigs!"</p> + +<p>Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, +and jamming his fists down into his pockets, he walked into +the house, muttering:</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut, tut!—thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of +dahlias in the world—<i>gone to the pigs!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="at_the_Tremont" id="at_the_Tremont"></a>The Two Johns at the Tremont.</h2> + + +<p>It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and +queer <i>contre temps</i> do not take place in the routine of +human affairs, when we find so <i>many</i> persons floating about +of one and the same name. It must be shocking to be +named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson, +but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that +man's situation, who has at the baptismal font received the +title of <i>John Smith</i>?</p> + +<p>Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence +of fate—the meeting of two or three persons of +the same name, or of great similarity of name, to create the +most singular and even ludicrous circumstances and tableaux. +One of these affairs came off at the Tremont +House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose +Nova-Scotian—a man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons" +at home, doubtless, put up for a few days at the +Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a +genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers, +took up his quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment.</p> + +<p>Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets, +linen, and dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces, +and was also a politician, and "went on" for the part of +magistrate, occasionally. John Thomas was a retired wine-merchant, +and, having netted a bulky fortune, he took it +into his head to <i>travel</i>, and as naturally as he despised, and +as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated +country of ours, he nevertheless condescended +to come and look at us.</p> + +<p>Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas; +one was "roomed" in the north wing, the other in the +south wing. Thomas Johns went out and began reconnoitering +among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas, +having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and +beer, laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three +days in "hazing around" the servants, and blaspheming +American manners and customs.</p> + +<p>Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous +Tremont dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his +door aroused him.</p> + +<p>"What are you—at?" growls John.</p> + +<p>"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants.</p> + +<p>"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John.</p> + +<p>"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to +see you," says the servant.</p> + +<p>"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated +the "young man," he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed +into his lethargy, and the servant whirled down into the +rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the gentleman desired.</p> + +<p>"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he +might be a clerk in an importing house. The young man +left, in something of a high dudgeon.</p> + +<p>"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second +time, roused by the servant's rat-tat-too.</p> + +<p>"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur."</p> + +<p>"Tell him to go to the d—!" and John snored again.</p> + +<p>"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns.</p> + +<p>"Mister <i>Thomas</i> did yez mane, zur?"</p> + +<p>"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose; +Thomas Johns," says the gentleman.</p> + +<p>"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant.</p> + +<p>"Well, what did he say?"</p> + +<p>"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us, +zur; he says yez may go to the divil!"</p> + +<p>"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how—invite a gentleman +to dine with him, and then meet him with such language +as that. The infernal 'blue nose,' I'll pull it, I'll +tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and off went "the +gentleman," hot as No. 6.</p> + +<p>"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering +another inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas +Johns, the carriage driver was not certain which.</p> + +<p>"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going +fur to take till himself, and didn't want any callers." +Reaching John's door, he began his tattoo.</p> + +<p>"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John, +partly up and dressed.</p> + +<p>"The carriage is here, zur."</p> + +<p>"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet.</p> + +<p>"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the <i>number</i>, if +ye plaze."</p> + +<p>"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number? +Go tell the carriage——"</p> + +<p>"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation +of the command.</p> + +<p>"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait."</p> + +<p>The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering—</p> + +<p>"Ah, some of their <i>haccommodations</i>, I expect; these +American landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild +woods 'ere, do manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations; +ha, but they'll take care to look hout for +the dollars. I don't know, tho', these fellers 'ere appear tolerably +clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose, and see some +of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! <i>Lions!</i> I wonder what +they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!"</p> + +<p>Getting through his toilet—and it takes an Englishman +as long to fix his stiff cravat and that <i>stiffer</i> and stauncher +shirt-collar, and rub his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out +<i>tout ensemble</i>, to say nothing of the gallons of water and +dozens of towels he uses up in the operation—John found +the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but jumped in.</p> + +<p>"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?" +says the driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them.</p> + +<p>"No; drive off—where are you going to drive me?"</p> + +<p>"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for."</p> + +<p>"Humph! Some of the <i>battle-grounds</i>, I suppose," John +grunts to himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and +the coach drives off.</p> + +<p>Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the +house, consequently he was not known to the servants, and +very little known to the clerks. John Thomas was another +person—he was all fuss and feathers. He kept his bell +ringing, and the servants rushing for towels and water, +water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English +papers, maps of America, &c., without cessation. He +was John Thomas and Thomas Johns, one and indivisible.</p> + +<p>John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than +ever; and by the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets +and huge shawls about his burly neck, he was telegraphed +by a servant to come down; there was a gentleman below +on business with him. John foreswore business, but the +gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose. +His unmistakable <i>mug</i> told he was "an officer."</p> + +<p>"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!" +said the presenter, peremptorily.</p> + +<p>John was thunderstruck.</p> + +<p>"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith & Brown's, for +Nova Scotia. The bill was to be paid this morning, as +you agreed, but you told the clerk to go to the d—l! Won't +do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or you must go with me!"</p> + +<p>John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was +some infernal Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started +for the clerk's office, below, to have some explanation. As +John and the officer reached the rotunda, a gentleman steps +up behind John, and gives his nose a first-rate <i>lug</i>. They +clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed, and John +and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose +puller discovered he had the wrong man by the nose!</p> + +<p>"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller.</p> + +<p>"Blast you, no!"</p> + +<p>"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't +Johns?" says a man with a bill for the carriage hire.</p> + +<p>"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive, +and sharp after the dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful. +My name's John Thomas, from Lun'un, bound back again +in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing against <i>me</i>?"</p> + +<p>Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation +ensued, John was relieved of his embarrassment, and all +were finally satisfied, except John Thomas, who, venting a +few bottles of his spleen on every body and all things—Americans +especially—took to his bed and beer, and snorted for a week.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="a_Boarding_School" id="a_Boarding_School"></a>The Yankee in a Boarding School.</h2> + + +<p>"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went +around pedlin' notions, I met many queer folks; +some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy, they wouldn't let +a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and gates, +<i>bang</i> into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a +pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human +critters, so pesky poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a +fourpence till it'd squeal like a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do +<i>swow</i>, I've met some critters so dog-ratted mean, that ef +you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it +with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls +afore mornin'!"</p> + +<p>"Massy sakes!" responded the squire.</p> + +<p>"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler.</p> + +<p>"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe +another 'charge,' and lighting up for the yarn Absalom +Slamm had promised the gals, soon as the quilt was out +and refreshments were handed around.</p> + +<p>"Go on, Ab—let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with +the school marm and her gals."</p> + +<p>"Wall, I <i>will</i>, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound +and squat; take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep +deth-ly still. Wall; neow, yeou all sot? Hain't none o' +ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess; wall, no matter, +tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at +others, 'taint."</p> + +<p>"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire.</p> + +<p>"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o' +yeou ever been in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter +a cent; as I was agoin' to say, I had hard, hard luck one +season—got clean busted all tew smash! O-o-o! it was +<i>dre-a-a-dful times</i>; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson +clapped his <i>we-toe</i> on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall, +yeou see, I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died, +the sun and rain beat up my wagon, I sold eout my +notions tew a feller that paid me all in ceounter-fit money, +and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to undiskivered kedn'try.</p> + +<p>"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to +dew somethin', instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber; +and as I layed stretched eout in bed one Sunday morning, +in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among the old +stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'! +As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen, +I felt my sperrets raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I +beounced, like a pea in a hot skillet. Deown I goes to +Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to death in her +Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her +darn'd ole skin ceould heould in.</p> + +<p>"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou +deon't want tew sell nor nuthin', dew ye?'</p> + +<p>"'<i>Ab Slamm</i>,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip +joints, and as the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin' +at me, 'right face,' she spread herself like a clapboard. +'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth possesses yeou to talk +o' tradin' on the Sabbath?'</p> + +<p>"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so +'beout it; I guess a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin' +or breakin' the Sabbath all tew smash, either! Neow,' +says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in the cockloft, +where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou, and +one article I see I want to trade fur.'</p> + +<p>"Wall, we didn't trade <i>'zactly</i>. Marm Smith, yeou see, +got dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time—wouldn't let her +gals draw ther breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up +in the cellar every Sunday. Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou +see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday, but she sed +I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got +the instrument, <i>any heow</i>."</p> + +<p>"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire.</p> + +<p>"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals.</p> + +<p>"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied, +rather choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the +gist of his information into small chunks, and so make it +the more <i>telling</i> and comparatively interesting.</p> + +<p>"When I got the <i>instrument</i>, and paid Marm Smith my +board bill, I wer in possession of a cash capital of jest three +fo'pences. I took my jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, +cleaned it off, then wrapped the different sections up +in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller trunk, and dug +eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of everybody +I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. +My cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as +a flute, and my old trunk had worn a hole clean through +the shoulder o' my best Sunday coat. I put up, and sez I +tew the landlord:</p> + +<p>"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?'</p> + +<p>"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he.</p> + +<p>"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I.</p> + +<p>"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he.</p> + +<p>"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I.</p> + +<p>"'What's 't fur?' sez he.</p> + +<p>"'For the wimen,' sez I.</p> + +<p>"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho' +he'd seen a flock o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?'</p> + +<p>"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming +up at the insin-i-wa-tion.</p> + +<p>"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, <i>any heow</i>?' sez he.</p> + +<p>"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up +and told him the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful <i>instrument</i> +I had for the ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I +wanted to sheow it before some o' the female sim-i-nar-ries, +and give a lectoor on't.</p> + +<p>"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the +spot; three miles up the road is the great <i>Jargon Institoot</i>, +'spressly for young ladies, wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic, +French scollopin', and High-tall-ion curlycues; +dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the +use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries +chuck'd in.'</p> + +<p>"'Yeou deon't <i>say</i> so?' sez I.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen +me make streaks fur the Jargon Institoot.</p> + +<p>"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller +all starch'd up, lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the +door. I axed if the marm were in. Then he wanted tew +kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm +of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,' +sez he. 'You be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know, +mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in <i>keards</i>—never did, nuther!'</p> + +<p>"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown +the head marm. It weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole +heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful pius critter. She looked +mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and beow'd and +cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business +to her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel—</p> + +<p>"'In furrin pearts?' sez she.</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' sez I—'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. +'It was well known to the wimen and ladies o' the past +gin-i-rations,' sez I.</p> + +<p>"'The an-shants?' sez she.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer +a wind instrer-ment or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I +told her it wer a stringed instrer-ment, but went on the +hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or treddle. But what +I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the great +combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up dre-e-e-adful! +I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, +and put before the people—the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler—so +that every gal in the univarsal world could +play upon it—exercise her hands, strengthen her arms +and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment, and +so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as +well as or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful +necessity; for while it lent grace and beauty to the +female form, and gin forth fust rate music, it was par-fect-ly +scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked and feed +the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed +to buy one of my machines <i>straight</i> fur use of her <i>Institoot</i>—each +school-gal to 'put in' by next day, when I wer to +bring the instrer-ment, get my $40, and deliver a lectoor on +it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer there; the <i>puss</i> +wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with +curiosity to see my wonderful <i>hand-limberer, arm-strengthener, +chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal +musical machine!</i> When they all got assembled, I ondid +the machine; they wer still as death! When I sot it up, +they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started it, +they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown +and played 'em <i>old hund'erd</i>, and every gal in the room +vowed right eout she'd have one made <i>straight!</i> O-o-o! +yeou'd a died to seen the excitement that instrer-ment made +in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my ortergraff, +and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, +a confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, +cook o' the Jargon Institoot, kem in, and the moment she +clapped her ole eyes on my inwention, she roared reight +eout, 'O! de <i>Lud</i>, ef dar ain't one de ole Virginny <i>spinnin' +wheels!</i>' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else 'beout +that time! I took with a leaving!"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="State_of_Excitement" id="State_of_Excitement"></a>A Dreadful State of Excitement.</h2> + + +<p>A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, +brings up a wonderful "heap of notions," which at their +birth made quite a different sensation from that which their +"bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The statement +made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse +being actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a +roaring and hissing locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance," +which though it did not exactly <i>do our knitting</i>, it +came precious near the climax!</p> + +<p>Some years ago, upon what was then considered the +"frontier" of Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a +"game leg," in consequence of a performance of a bullet-headed +mule that we were endeavoring to coerce at the end +of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to +which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles +from our "lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary +pop, boots, hats, gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &c., +&c., and the post office. About three times a week, we +used to hobble down to this modern ark, to read the news, +see what was going on down in the world, and—pass a few +hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to +be a man with whom we had had a former acquaintance "in +other climes." Well, one day, we dropped down to the +store, and found pretty much all the men folks—and they +were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins being +rather scattering—getting ready to go down the river +(Missouri) some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado +"stretch hemp." My friend Captain V——, the storekeeper, +was about to go along too, and proposed that we +should mount and accompany him, or—stay and tend store. +We accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling +kelter, and had no taste for performances on the +tight rope. Having officiated for Captain V—— on several +former occasions, we had the run of his "grocery" and +<i>postal</i> arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge of +all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and +his friends started, promising a return before sunset.</p> + +<p>One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called +for his newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of +hours with us—put out, and was succeeded by two squalid +Indians, with some skins to trade for corn juice and tobacco; +they cleared out, and about two or three P. M., some +<i>movers</i> came along; we had a little dicker with them, and +that closed up the business accounts of the day.</p> + +<p>Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of +the post office—seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!—to +the crackers and cheese, and business being essentially +stagnated, we ups and lies down upon the top of the +counter, to take a nap. Captain V——'s store was a log +building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the +woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except +the schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and +at that time—"in coventry." Captain V—— was a bachelor; +he boarded—that is, he took his meals at the nearest +house—half a mile back from the wood, and slept in his +store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of Morpheus, +and—slept. It was fine mild weather—September, +and, of course, the door was wide open. How long we +slept we were not at all conscious, but were aroused by a +heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake by the shoulder, +and in a rather sepulchral voice says—</p> + +<p>"How are you?"</p> + +<p>Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited +by dreams of southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and +other nightmare affairs, and as we opened our eyes and +caught a glimpse of the double-fisted, cadaverous fellow +standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into a cold +sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark +in the store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky.</p> + +<p>Captain V—— did a considerable trade at his store, and +at times had considerable sums of money laying around. +Upon leaving in the morning, he notified us, in case we +should require <i>change</i>, to look into the desk, where he kept +a shot bag of silver coin, and—his pistols.</p> + +<p>"<ins title="Ho">How</ins> are you?" the words and manner and looks of the +man gave us a cold chill.</p> + +<p>"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same +time sliding down behind the counter. The stranger had +a heavy walking stick in his hand, and a knapsack looking +bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the rough +remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled +somewhere where barbers, washer-women and such like +civilian delicacies, were more matters of tradition than fact.</p> + +<p>"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued.</p> + +<p>"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory +in our mind, and no reason to, for night was +now closing in, and we were going through our performances +by the slight illumination of the stars, without any +positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder +box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light +upon the lugubrious state of affairs.</p> + +<p>"Do you keep this store?"</p> + +<p>"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he +put his bundle down upon the counter.</p> + +<p>"Who does?" was the next question.</p> + +<p>"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day."</p> + +<p>"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?"</p> + +<p>We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought +to ourself, no doubt you know all that's going on of that +sort of business like a book, and a host of other ideas +flashed across our mind, while all the evil deeds of note +transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed +awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system, +until the coon skin cap upon our excited head stood +upon about fifteen hairs, with the strange and overwhelming +impression that our time had come! We would have +given the State of Missouri—if it were in our possession, +to have heard Captain V——'s voice, or even have had a fair +chance to dash out at the door, and give the fellow before +us a specimen of tall walking—lame as we were!</p> + +<p>"Ain't you got a <i>light</i>? I'd think you'd be a little timid +(a <i>little</i> timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark, +too?" said the fellow, sticking one hand into his coat +pocket, and gazing sharply around the store. Mock heroically +says we—</p> + +<p>"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres', +oozing out at our fingers.</p> + +<p>"These outlaws you've got around here," said he. +"They say the man they hanged to-day was a decent fellow +to what some are, who prowl around in this country!"</p> + +<p>We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us."</p> + +<p>"Do you sleep in this store—live here?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, we don't," was our answer.</p> + +<p>"Where do you lodge and get your eating?"</p> + +<p>"First house up the road."</p> + +<p>"How far is it?" says he.</p> + +<p>"Half a mile or less."</p> + +<p>"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!" +says the fellow.</p> + +<p>Now we were coming to the <i>tableaux!</i> He wanted us +to step outside in order that the business could be done for +us, with more haste and certainty, and we really felt as good +as assassinated and hid in the bushes! It was quite astonishing +how our visual organs intensified! We could see +every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost +count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and +the keener and more searching became our observation, the +more atrocious and subtle became the fellow and his purpose. +With a firmness that astonished ourself, we said—</p> + +<p>"<i>No, Sir</i>; if <i>you</i> have business there or elsewhere, you +had better <i>go!</i>" and with this determined speech, we walked +up to the desk, and with the air of a "man of business" or +the nonchalance of a hero, says we—</p> + +<p>"What are you after—have you any business with <i>us</i>?"</p> + +<p>"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing +this State,—<i>wouldn't you like to subscribe for a +first-rate map of Missouri</i>, <span class="smcap">or a new Edition of Josephus</span>?"</p> + +<p>We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found +a light, and soon found in the stranger one of the best sort +of fellows, a man of information and morality, and, though +he had <i>looked</i> dangerous, he turned out harmless as a lamb, +and we got intimate as brothers before Captain V—— +returned that night.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Ralph_Waldo_Emerson" id="Ralph_Waldo_Emerson"></a>Ralph Waldo Emerson.</h2> + + +<p>Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none +have attracted more attention from the press, and +consequently the people, than <span class="smcap">Ralph Waldo Emerson</span>.</p> + +<p>Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science—and +now, instead of using the old style phrases for illustrating +facts, we call travelling preachers perambulating showmen, +and floating politicians, <i>lecturers</i>.</p> + +<p>As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively +known around these parts; but whether his lectures come +under the head of law, logic, politics, Scripture, or the +show business, is a matter of much speculation; for our +own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the more we +don't know what it's all about.</p> + +<p>Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or +expression, Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety +or fame—and many compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle. +They cannot trace exactly any great affinity between +these two great geniuses of the flash literary school. Carlyle +writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always +speaks when he says something; on the contrary, our +flighty friend Ralph speaks vigorously, yet says nothing! +Of all men that have ever stood and delivered in presence +of "a reporter," none surely ever led these indefatigable +knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the verdant +and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph +Waldo Emerson. In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed +in his art, catches a sentence of a speaker, and goes on to +fill it out upon the most correct impression of what was +intended, or what is implied. But no such license +follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can +fathom his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his +finished sentences. We have known "old stagers," in the +newspaporial line, veteran reporters, so dumbfounded and +confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and his grand and +lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their hat +and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt +to "take down" Mr. Emerson.</p> + +<p>If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a +donkey heath, straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in +the land of Ophir, shedding an odor balmy as the gales of +Arabia; while with a facility the wonderful London auctioneer +Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a lime-box, +or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the romance, +artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house, +or Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco, +surrounded by elfin bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles.</p> + +<p>Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties +of Webster, Walker, &c., but rushes them out in torrents—rattles +them down in cataracts and avalanches—bewildering, +astounding, and incomprehensible. He hits you +upon the left lug of your <ins title="knowlege">knowledge</ins> box with a metaphor so +unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone—and +before it is recovered, he gives you another <i>rhapsody</i> on +t'other side, and as you try to steady yourself, <i>bim</i> comes +another, heavier than the first two, while a fourth batch of +this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over the eyes, giving +you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses, and +before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you—<i>cobim!</i> +with a deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied +Anglo Saxon, settling your hash, and brings you to +the ground by the run, as though you were struck by lightning, +or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is +death and an entire <i>stud</i> of pale horses on flowery expressions +and japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those +knock-kneed, antique, or crooked and twisted words we used +all of us to puzzle our brains over in the days of our youth, +and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He has a +penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for mystification, +and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and +unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by +the clock of Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of +<i>argumentum ad hominem</i> of Mr. Emerson's—at what? A +boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of the five +hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no +more have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation, +than they could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of +Thebes, or the sarcophagus of old King Pharaoh! When +Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May morn—he +may talk for five minutes, like a book—we mean a common-sensed, +understandable book; but all of a sudden the +fluid will strike him—up he goes—down he fetches them. +He throws a double somerset backwards over Asia Minor—flip-flaps +in Greece—wings Turkey—and <i>skeets</i> over Iceland; +here he slips up with a flower garden—a torrent of +gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country parson's +moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury +and fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his +sweet-scented receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses +four seconds; pointing to vacuum, over the heads of his audience, +he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do you see that?" +Of course the audience are not expected to be so unmannerly +as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not +give them time to "go in," for after asking them if they see +<i>that</i>, he continues—</p> + +<p>"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now, +then; here—there; see it! Note it! Watch it!"</p> + +<p>During this time, half of the audience, especially the old +women and the children, look around, fearful of the ceiling +falling in, or big bugs lighting on them. But the pause is +for a moment, and anxiety ceases when they learn it was +only a false alarm, only—</p> + +<p>"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete +malformation of society!"</p> + +<p>You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on.</p> + +<p>"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous +amentum of—society! The mental varioloid of this sublunary +hemisphere! One of its worst feelings or features +is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves sickness, because +actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All cultivated +men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But +they are still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of +every place. In Boston you hear and see a few, so in New +York; then you may as well die. Life is very narrow. Bring +a few men together, and under the spell of one calm genius, +what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is the +suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be +a charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses +his balance, and puts him among his equals. It is a poor +compliment always to talk with a man upon his <i>specialty</i>, +as if he were a cheese-mite, and was therefore strong on +Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out of his +molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for +those fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance +is worth loss of geniality. That unhappy man +called of genius, is an unfortunate man. Nature always +carries her point despite the means!"</p> + +<p>If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled, +knock-kneed logic, or <i>au fait</i> dexterity in concocting flap-doodle +mixtures, you're ahead of ordinary intellect as far +as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin and bitters, or +opium discourses on—delirium tremens!</p> + +<p>In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject +in more mystery and science of language than ever a +defunct Egyptian received at the hands of the mummy manufacturers! +In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing sort +of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty +years of age, and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer, +he would have been the horror of jurors and judges; as a +lecturer, he is, as near as possible, what we have described him.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Humbug" id="Humbug"></a>Humbug.</h2> + + +<p>There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we +say, and more than half we do, is tinged with humbug. +"My Dear Sir," we say, when we address a letter to a fellow +we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps don't care a +continental cent for him; <i>dear</i> sir! what a humbug expression! +"Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he +meets another <i>one</i>, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a +disagreeable wet day!" What's the use of such a humbug +expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and stormy day, +every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people +who appear solicitous about your <i>health</i>, display a gratuitous +amount of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved +than your health; and we have often wondered why +matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when they meet, and +say—"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're +out of <i>money!</i>" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet, +why not discard humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you—was +blackguarding you all day!" instead of "Glad to see you—have +been <i>thinking</i> of you to-day!" or, "I'm glad to see +you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact they +mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments +<i>pass</i>, they say, when <i>gentlemen</i> meet, but, as there +are so many counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may +bet high that half the <i>compliments</i> that <i>pass</i> +are—<i>mere bogus!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Hotel_Keeping" id="Hotel_Keeping"></a>Hotel Keeping.</h2> + + +<p>Fortunes are made—very readily, it is said, in our +large cities, by Hotel keeping. It does look money-making +business to a great many people, who stop in a +large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after eating about +two meals out of six—walking in quietly and walking out +quietly—no fuss, no feathers, find themselves <i>taxed</i> four or +five dollars!</p> + +<p>We have had occasion to know something of travel and +travellers, hotels, hotel-keepers and their bills, and it <i>has</i> +now and then entered our head that money was or could +be made—in the hotel business. We <i>have</i> stopped in +houses where we honestly concluded—we got our money's +worth, and we have again had reason to believe ourselves +grossly shaved, in a "first-class" hotel, at two dollars a +day—all hurry-scurry, poked up in the cock-loft, mid bugs, +dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better than a Dutch tavern +in fly time.</p> + +<p>We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool +impudence and clamor had a most mollifying effect upon +landlord and his <i>attaches</i>, the tinsel and mere electrotypes +passing for real bullion, galvanized <i>hums</i> by their noise and +pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for the same <i>price</i>—than +the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer.</p> + +<p>Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself +and scores of others, paying two dollars and a half per +diem, got what we could catch, while Kossuth, and a score +of his followers, fared and were favored like princes of a +monarchical realm—"though all <i>dead heads!</i>"</p> + +<p>Hotels now-a-days must be <i>showy</i>, abounding in tin foil, +Dutch metal and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern +improvements"—mere clap-trap, and as foreign to the solid +comforts of solid people, as icebergs to Norwegians or +"east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they +would be quite deserted; men will pay for this <i>show</i>, must +pay for it, and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets, +life-size mirrors, ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to +kitchen, <i>draw well</i>, and those who indulge in the dance, +must pay the piper.</p> + +<p>The fact is, most people understand these things about +as well as we do, and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype +of a <i>few customers</i> which landlords or their +clerks and servants now and then meet. The conductor of +one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly piquant +and matter-of-fact picture of <i>his</i> experience, that we <i>up</i> +and copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see +some information and amusement in the subject.</p> + +<p>A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a +little tour, he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or +two, and—comes to town. He's no green horn—O! no, he +ain't, he has been around some—he has, and knows a thing +or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the +cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is +assailed by vociferous <i>whips</i> who, in quest of stray dimes, +watch the incoming <i>trains</i> and shout and bawl—</p> + +<p>"Eh 'up! Tremont House!"</p> + +<p>"Up—<i>a!</i> American House—right away!"</p> + +<p>"Ha! <i>up!</i> Right off for the Revere!"</p> + +<p>"Here's the coach—already for the United States!"</p> + +<p>"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all +ready for the Winthrop House!"</p> + +<p>"Eh 'up, <i>ha!</i> now we are off, for the Pavilion!"</p> + +<p>"Exchange Coffee House—dollar a day, four meals, no +extra charge—right along this way, sir!"</p> + +<p>"Hoo-<i>ray</i>, this coach—take you right up, Exchange Hotel!"</p> + +<p>"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up—right +off, best house in town, hot supper waitin'—way for +the Adams House!"</p> + +<p>And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend, +having heard of the tall arrangements and great doings of +the <i>American</i>, he hands himself over to the coachman, and +with a load of others he is rolled over to that institution, +in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took down" at the +idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that that +was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a +going to look small or verdant; so he pays the coachman, +grabs his valise, and rushes into the long colonnaded office; +and making his way to the <i>register</i>, slams down his baggage, +and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says—</p> + +<p>"A room!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks—who +may be officiating.</p> + +<p>"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command.</p> + +<p>"Certainly, sir—please register your name, sir!"</p> + +<p>Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down +goes his autograph, Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H.</p> + +<p>"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he.</p> + +<p>"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel.</p> + +<p>"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy.</p> + +<p>"Certainly, sir!"</p> + +<p>"Eggs, poached, and a—hot roll!"</p> + +<p>"They'll be all ready, sir."</p> + +<p>"How soon?"</p> + +<p>"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen +at the same time.</p> + +<p>"Ah, well—show me my room!" says Captain Fussy.</p> + +<p>The bells are ringing—servants running to and fro, like +witches in a whirlwind; fifty different calls—tastes—orders +and fancies, are being served, but Capt. Fussy is attended +to, a servant seizes his valise and a taper, and in the most +winning way, cries—</p> + +<p>"This way, sir, <i>right along!</i>" With a measured tread and +the air of a man who knew what it was all about, the Captain +follows the <i>garcon</i> and mounts one flight of the broad +stairs, and is about to ascend another, when it strikes him +that he's not going up to the top of the house, nohow!</p> + +<p>"Where are you going to take me to—up into the garret?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the +third floor!"</p> + +<p>"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take <i>me</i> up into the +third story?"</p> + +<p>"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir," +says the servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering—</p> + +<p>"Pooty doin's this, taking a <i>gentleman</i> up three of these +cussed long stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will; +mus'n't come no gammon over me; I'm able to pay, and +want the worth of my money!"</p> + +<p>The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering +along the halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and +Capt. Fussy is ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with +the carpets, furniture, bedding or something, but as he had +never probably seen such a general arrangement for ease, +comfort and convenience—he caved in and merely gave a +deep-toned—</p> + +<p>"<i>Ah.</i> Got better rooms than this, ain't you?"</p> + +<p>"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not +many," said the servant.</p> + +<p>"Well, you may go—but stop—how soon'll my supper +be ready?"</p> + +<p>"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir."</p> + +<p>"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a +"bull's eye" watch, with as much flourish as if it was a +premium eighteen-<i>carat lever</i>. "Well, call me when you've +got supper ready, do you hear?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong."</p> + +<p>"The gong—what's that? Ain't you got no bells?"</p> + +<p>"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant.</p> + +<p>"<i>Ah</i>, well, clear out—but say, I want a fire in here."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman."</p> + +<p>"A fireman? What do I want with <i>firemen</i>? Bring in +some wood, and, stranger—start up—a hello! thunder and +saw mills, what's all that racket about—house a-fire?"</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir!</i>" says the grinning servant—"the <i>gong</i>—supper's +on the table!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Ah</i>, very well; go ahead; where's the room?"</p> + +<p>Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch +at the wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery" +and cutlery, mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A +seat is offered him, he dumps himself down, amazed but determined +to look and act like one used to these affairs, from +the hour of his birth!</p> + +<p>"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs—hain't you got 'em?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs +are at hand.</p> + +<p>"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires.</p> + +<p>"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate—hain't +you got chocolate?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, sir; there it is."</p> + +<p>"<i>Ah</i>, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose +slightly up, at the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak, +eggs, chocolate, and—even the tempting hot rolls—before him.</p> + +<p>Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's +fried oysters on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy +frowns and asks for a lobster salad, which the waiter informs +him is never used at supper, in that hotel.</p> + +<p>Eventually, Capt. Fussy being <i>crammed</i>, after an hour's +diligent feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of +questions about people and places, at the <i>office</i>; what time +trains start and steamers come, omnibuses here and stages +there, all of which he is politely answered, of course, and +he finally goes to his room, rings his bell every ten minutes, +for an hour, and then—goes to bed; next day puts the servants +and clerks over another course, and on the third day—calls +for his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over +a <i>five</i>, puts on his gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely +dignified and stalks out, big as two military officers in regimentals!</p> + +<p>"<i>Ah</i>," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "<i>I</i> put 'em +through—<i>I guess I got the worth of my money!</i>"</p> + +<p>We calculate he did!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="According_to_Gunter" id="According_to_Gunter"></a>"According to Gunter."</h2> + + +<p>Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very +heavy "turkey on"—about a forty-four pounder. Gunter +accused the pavements of being icy, and down he came—<i>kerchug!</i> +A "young lady" coming along, fidgetting and +finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite <i>ricochet</i>, on +seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive +attempts to "riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew +his own weakness, and saw the difficulty with the "young +lady;" so making a very determinate effort to get on his +pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice, and says +he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself +out of th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux—"young +lady" quick-step, and Gunter playing all-fours in +the <i>mud!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Quartering_upon_Friends" id="Quartering_upon_Friends"></a>Quartering upon Friends.</h2> + + +<p>City-bred people have a pious horror of the country +in winter, and no great regard for country visitors +at any time, however much they may "let on" to the contrary.</p> + +<p>In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the +stagnated, oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to +bake, parboil, or give the "citizens" the yellow fever, then +we are very apt to think of plain Aunt Polly, rough-hewed +Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed, +smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural +homes, amid the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods; +the cool, silver streams and murmuring brooks of the glorious +country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and moonshine of +fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the glories +and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested +the ruraldom.</p> + +<p>Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly +so, to have their city friends come and see them—not +merely pop visits, but bring your whole family, and stay a +month! This they may do, and will do, and can afford it, +as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm, +to <i>quarter</i> a platoon of your friends than to perform the +same operation in the city, where it is apt to give your +purse the tick-dollar-owe in no time.</p> + +<p>It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot +summer, that Mrs. Triangle one morning said to her stewing +husband, who was in no wise troubled with a surplus of +the circulating medium—</p> + +<p>"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children +well and quiet through this dreadful hot weather. We +must go into the country. The Joneses and Pigwigginses +and Macwackinses, and—and—everybody has gone out into +the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?"</p> + +<p>"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who +just then was deeply absorbed in a problem as to whether +or not, considering the prices of coal, potatoes, house-rents, +leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up in prison +or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question, +and to his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense, +Triangle responded—</p> + +<p>"Why can't we?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, that's what I'd like to know—why can't <i>we</i>?"</p> + +<p>"We <i>can't</i>, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord +and master.</p> + +<p>Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went +on to give Mr. T. a Caudle lecture half an hour long, +winding up with one of those time-honored perquisites of +the female sex—a good cry.</p> + +<p>Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his +bake-oven of an "office," to plan business and smoke his +cigar. Triangle came home to tea, and saw at a glance +that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was to be +"compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather +would be his domicile for the balance of the season. +Triangle thought it over, as he nibbled his toast and sipped +his hot Souchong.</p> + +<p>"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting +himself upon the "hind legs" of his chair—"business is +very dull, the weather is intolerable, I know you and the +children would be much benefitted by a trip into the country—why +can't we go?"</p> + +<p>"Why can't we?—that's what I'd like to know!" was +the ready response of Mrs. T.</p> + +<p>"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place +in the country as ever was, anywhere; he has asked me +again and again to come down in the summer, and bring +all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted +to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her +temper were dispersed, and like people "cut out for each +other," Triangle and his wife sat and planned the details +of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm. Frederic Antonio Gustavus +was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and breeches. +Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted +out in Polka boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes, +with an entire invoice of handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons, +gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little Georgiana +Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and <i>the baby</i>, Henry Rinaldo +Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's +pockets, with any quantity of "fuss and feathers," +Mrs. Triangle pronounced the caravan ready to move. But +just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the maid-of-all-work, +who was to accompany them on the expedition as supervisor +of the children, threw up her engagement.</p> + +<p>"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes +the counthry, at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm, +wid yez!"</p> + +<p>Here was a go—or rather a "no go!" Triangle had +bought tickets for all, and ordered the carriage at four; +it was now three P. M., of a hot, roasting day. It would +be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without a girl; so +poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence +Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity +awaiting a market for their time and labor, Triangle selected +a stout, hearty Irish <i>blonde</i>, warranted perfect, capable, +kind, honest, and the Lord only knows how many virtues +the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not swear belong +to one of their stock in trade.</p> + +<p>Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish +maiden, swinging a bundle in one hand and a flaring <i>bandanna</i> +in the other, following after her patron with a duck-waddle; +and finally the carriage came; all got in but Triangle, +who started on foot to the depot, carrying his double-barrelled +gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced +in believing was a full-blooded <i>setter</i>, though the best posted +dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard +cur and a sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and +commotion—on the part of Triangle, about the dog, tickets +and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle, about the children, satchels, +her new gown, and the sleepy Irish girl—they found +themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three +hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of +Jingo Hall, where they found the "private conveyance" +of the proprietor of Jingo Hill Farm waiting to carry +them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and bobtail, to Jingo Hall.</p> + +<p>The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk +up, stretch his legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop +at the game. But, alas, for the villanous dog; no sooner +had he got loose and scampered off up the road, than he +sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and +away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and +poor Triangle after his dog.</p> + +<p>"Hay! you Ponto—here—hay—Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy, +come here, you dog—hi! hi!—do you hear-r-r?"</p> + +<p>But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he +came up with a lamb, and before Triangle could come to +the rescue, Ponto had opened the campaign by killing +sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in wrath +he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence +of the dog, but compromised the matter by hitting +him a whack across the back with the barrels of his shooting-iron; +in doing so, he broke off the stock, clean as a +<a id='Pg_169' name='Pg_169'></a> +whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle <i>was</i> mad; +that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that +his fury so alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and +went—as Triangle hoped—anywhere, head foremost.</p> + +<p>With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out +and disgusted with things as far as he had got, Triangle +reached Jingo Hall, where he met the warm welcome of +his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated his good +humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's +"well-stocked" <i>wine-cellar</i>. Ashamed of the facts of the +case, Triangle trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the +dog and gun.</p> + +<p>After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the +first day or two passed without anything extraordinary +turning up, if we may except the upturning of several +flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But the third +day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one +of the Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish +hostler had caught him, tied him up in the stable, and given +him such a dressing that Ponto's soul-case was nearly beaten +out of him!</p> + +<p>The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody +rushed out—Mrs. Triangle in her excitement, lest something +had happened to "baby," and Nora, the girl, struck the +centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not only demolished +that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough thick oil +over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to +make a barrel of soft soap.</p> + +<div class='image' id='illo004'> + +<img src='images/illo004.png' + alt="With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..." + title="With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..." +/> + +<p class='caption'>"With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid +down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful +craturs.'"—<a href="#Pg_169"><i>Page</i> 169.</a></p> +</div> + +<p>The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She +had been sauntering through the garden, and ran against +the bee-hives, when a bee up and at her. With a presence +of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby" upon the +grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of +course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds, +and was stung in as many places by the pugnacious +"divils." Nora was done for. She went to bed; "baby" +was found all right, laughing "fit to break its yitty hearty +party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very naturally +expressed it.</p> + +<p>These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax, +when in rushed Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious +apron full of "birds he killed in the yard, down by +the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor Mrs. +Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the +country had been exterminated by the chivalrous young +Triangle, and in the bloom of his heroic act he dropped the +dead game at the feet of his horror-stricken mother, and +astonished father, and the Jingos.</p> + +<p>That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter +suffocation manifested itself in a general and alarming +cholera-morbus among the junior Triangles, and the whole +house was up in arms.</p> + +<p>In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's +chamber. A huge bat had got into her room, and so +alarmed her, that she yelled worse, louder, and longer than +seven evil ones.</p> + +<p>It was a night of horror to the whole family—to everybody +in and about Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl; +the children bawled, cried, and took on; the Irish girl +screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and "lollypops," +the de'il to pay and no pitch hot.</p> + +<p>Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not +been Sunday, he would have packed up and put back for +the prosy office and stagnated quietude of the city. But it +was Sunday, and after the children, Irish girl, and dogs had +been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the door, +and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles, +rolled off to meeting.</p> + +<p>Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of +dressing "the babies," &c.; and after the service was +over, poor Triangle was taken aside by a tall, bony man, +who reported himself in no very ceremonious manner as the +proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one rare +lamb killed—"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft +impeachment, and "compromised" for a V.</p> + +<p>Returned to Jingo Hall, another <i>coup d'etat</i> all around +the lot had broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle +had disappeared. The baby, Georgiana Victorine +Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the grove and +dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to +her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans +issuing from Nora's attic, it was not <i>on-possible</i> that she +was sick as she could be. A general search took place for +Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while Maj. Jingo mounted a +horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a doctor +for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and—Nora Dougherty.</p> + +<p>A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor <i>tried</i> Triangle +that she was a case—of small-pox.</p> + +<p>Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the +village Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things +looked gloomy enough. Triangle felt "chawed up," and +wished he had been roasted alive in the city before venturing +upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to perform, +and he determined to put it through.</p> + +<p>"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"——</p> + +<p>"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow—no trouble +to us."</p> + +<p>"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major, +the fact is, I—a—you've got a large family"——</p> + +<p>"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more +about it."</p> + +<p>"But to have the—a—the—small-pox"——</p> + +<p>"What?" gasped the Major—"the—a"——</p> + +<p>"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle.</p> + +<p>"Small-pox! Who? Where?"</p> + +<p>"Our Irish girl—up stairs—awful!"</p> + +<p>"O, good Lord! Irish—up stairs—small-pox!" reiterated +the really alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't have"—said Triangle.</p> + +<p>"The small-pox in my house"—echoed Jingo.</p> + +<p>"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately +exclaimed Triangle.</p> + +<p>"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a +greater dread of small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!"</p> + +<p>"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle.</p> + +<p>"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the +Major, pacing up and down, in great <i>furore</i>.</p> + +<p>"That's best, Major; go move her, at once."</p> + +<p>"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo.</p> + +<p>"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle.</p> + +<p>"Who? Why, you, of course."</p> + +<p>"Me?" exclaimed Triangle—"me? endanger my life, +and the lives of all my family—me? No, sir, I'll—I'll—I'll +be hanged if I do!"</p> + +<p>"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he +came trotting up to the front veranda, where Triangle and +Jingo were discussing the transportation of small-pox—</p> + +<p>"Blur a' nouns—the dog's loose!"</p> + +<p>"Curse the dog!" said the Major.</p> + +<p>"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!"</p> + +<p>"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle.</p> + +<p>"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror.</p> + +<p>"O, too bad—horrible—wish I'd never seen"——</p> + +<p>"Get your gun, quick—come on!" cried the Major.</p> + +<p>"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O! +that I had shot the blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!"</p> + +<p>"Come on—never mind—seize a club, fork, or anything, +and hunt around for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of +our people, horses, or cattle." And away ran the Major, +with a bit of stick about the size of a fence-rail. Paddy +made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew around to +hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a summer-house.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had +introduced the small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted +away; but, conquering her weakness, she ordered the +carriage, and bundled herself and four children into it, so +full of terror and alarm that she never so much as said—"Take +care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned, +after a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and +just as he entered the hall, the Irish girl came rushing down +stairs, crying—</p> + +<p>"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail, +entirely, wid dese pains in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!"</p> + +<p>One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the +girl put the Major to his <i>taps</i>; and stopping but a moment +to tell Triangle to make out the best he could, he left.</p> + +<p>Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles <i>vamosed</i>. +The poor girl having recovered from her attack of the bees, +which had led to the alarm of small-pox, looked quite respectable. +Never did a party enjoy <i>home</i> more completely +than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy horror +of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors +from the city.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Jake_Hinkles_Failings" id="Jake_Hinkles_Failings"></a>Jake Hinkle's Failings.</h2> + + +<p>In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there +was a transient sort of a personage, a kind of floating +farmer, named Hinkle,—Jacob Hinkle,—commonly called +<i>Old Jake Hinkle</i>. Jake was, originally, a Dutchman, a +Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was +about <i>as</i> Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well +make a human "critter." Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or +had squatted on, a small patch of land, just beyond old +Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of +the "Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every +thundering fool out West knows, empties itself into—"Big +Paint," which finally rolls out into the Muskingum, and +thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled the geographical +position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state +what kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about +that he was pronounced dead, one cold morning, and how +he came up to town and denied the assertion.</p> + +<p>Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do +in the interior of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved <i>corn</i>, but +loved corn whiskey more, and this love, many a time, +brought Jake up to "the Court House" of Washington, +through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug, +and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more +honored in the breach than in the observance, perhaps, for +grog shops of the village to play all sorts of fantastic tricks +upon old codgers who come up to town, or down to town, +hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the "critters" +stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer. +The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn +it loose, and let it go home. Of course, <i>that</i> horse is not +soon seen in the village again, as a horse with a shored tail is +about the meanest thing to look at, except a singed possum, +or a dandy—you ever did see.</p> + +<p>One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came +down to the "Court House," hitched his horse to the +Court Square fence, and made a straight bend for Sanders' +"Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's tongue +was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn +juice, could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter +into a field of broom corn. Jake talked and talked, +and drank and talked, and about midnight, the cocks crowing, +the stars winking and blinking, and the wind nipping +and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake +and others that he was going to shut up the concern, and +the crowd must be "putting out." Jake made a break for +his nag, but she was gone. "Why," says Jake, "she's +broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall +walk,"—and off Jake put, through the cold and mud.</p> + +<p>Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along +between old Marm Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle +Snake Fork of Paint, the driver discovered poor old Jake +laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor old Jake! +Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake +was an inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that, +and certain young "fellers" who had shaved the tail of +Jake's mare the night previous, and set her loose, now felt +sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the "Argus of +Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning +"nip," heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" +Jake's obituary notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, +and then put his paper to press; that afternoon, the whole +edition, of some two hundred copies, were distributed +around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake +Hinkle was pronounced stone dead—<i>pegged out!</i></p> + +<p>Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud +and sweat, came rushing into Washington. He paused not, +nor turned not right or left, until he found the office of the +"Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in, and confronting +the editor, he spluttered forth:—</p> + +<p>"You der printer of dish paper,—der noosh paper?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking +a little wild.</p> + +<p>"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make +me deat?"</p> + +<p>"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor.</p> + +<p>"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he—"You'n tell +de people I diet; <i>it's a lie!</i> And do you neber do it +again, and fool de peeples, <i>witout you git a written order +from me!</i>"</p> + +<p>That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the +funeral before he recorded an obituary notice.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Going_to_Happen" id="Going_to_Happen"></a>What's Going to Happen.</h2> + + +<p>In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, +and as queer an invention, as the press Ben. Franklin +worked is now. In fifty years, copper-plate, steel-plate, +lithography, and other fine engravings, will be multiplied +for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now infantile +art of <i>Daguerreotyping</i>. A passage to California will then be +accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and +electricity; or, perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian +holes, <i>clean through the earth!</i> The arts of agriculture and +horticulture will produce hams ready roasted, natural pies, +baked with all sorts of <i>cookies</i>. About that time, a man +may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's worth +at last—for soap fat!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="The_Washerwomans_Windfall" id="The_Washerwomans_Windfall"></a>The Washerwoman's Windfall.</h2> + + +<p>Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one +of our "Middle States," or Southern cities, and old +lady, named Landon, the widow of a lost sea captain; and +as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases, with a +family of children to provide for,—the father and husband +cut off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a +stone's cast from indigence,—the mother, to keep grim +poverty from famishing her hearth and desolating her home, +took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child, a boy of +some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the +<ins title="lagest">largest</ins> hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces +of the gentlemen's apparel, and carried them to his mother. +They were done up, and returned by the lad again.</p> + +<p>It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the +poor—travel was slack, and few and far between were the +poor widow's receipts from her drudgery.</p> + +<p>"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her +small fire, "to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of +wood, pound of meal, nor dollar in the world, to provide +food or warmth for my children over Sunday."</p> + +<p>"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the +eldest boy, "that gentleman who gave me the half dollar +for going to the bank for him, last week,—you know him +we washed for at the United States Hotel,—said he was to +be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so +I will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another +errand for me, or some money—he's got so much money in +his trunk!"</p> + +<p>"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought +of it," said the poor woman.</p> + +<p>Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, +the strange gentleman had arrived again. He appeared +somewhat bothered, but quickly gathering up some of his +soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade him tell his +mother to wash and return them that evening by all means.</p> + +<p>"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son +delivered the message. "My dear child, I have neither fire +to dry them, nor money to procure the necessary fuel."</p> + +<p>"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell +the gentleman you can't dry them in time for him?"</p> + +<p>"No, son. I must wash and dry them—we must have +money to-day, or we'll freeze and starve—I must wash and +dry these clothes," said the disconsolate widow, as she immediately +went about the performance, while her son started +to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a basket +of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron +the clothes.</p> + +<p>The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, +and the poor woman began her manipulations. After a +time, in handling a vest, the widow felt a knot of something +in the breast pocket. She turned the pocket, and out fell +a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully unrolled +the saturated bunch—she started—stared; the color from +her wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, +observing the wild looks and strange actions of the mother, +ran to her, screaming:</p> + +<p>"Dear—dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?"</p> + +<p>"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children—lock the +door—lock the door! no, no, never mind. I a—I a—feel—dizzy!"</p> + +<p>The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in +great affright, but the widow, regaining her composure, +told them to sit down and play with their little toys, and +not mind her. The cause of this sudden emotion was the +unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were very +wet—nearly "used up," in fact—but still significant of +vast, astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. +She was amazed—honor and poverty were struggling in +her breast. Her poverty cried out, "You are made up—rich—wash +no more—fly!" But then the poor woman's +honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her +hands—triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, +and again set about her washing.</p> + +<p>About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted +at the hotel. The gentleman so anxious that his +clothes should be returned that evening, was no other than +a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it happened, that +the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed +a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had +the greater part of the notes exchanged—and, with the +exception of the five large bills hurriedly thrust into the +vest pocket, and which he had sent to the poor laundress, +there was little available evidence of the forgery in his possession. +The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's +room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The +forger was not arrested as a principal, but certain barely +suspicious circumstances had led to an investigation of him +and his effects.</p> + +<p>"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, +as a servant opened the door to let them in.</p> + +<p>"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger.</p> + +<p>"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish +to examine your person and effects."</p> + +<p>The forger started—his heart beat with the rapidity of +galvanic pulsation—the evidence of part of his villany was, +as he supposed, among his effects. It was a moment of +terror to him, but it passed like a flash, and in a gay and +careless tone, he quickly replied:</p> + +<p>"O, very well, gentlemen—go ahead. There are my +keys and baggage—search, and look around. I have no +idea what you are after—probably you'll find." In a low +tone, he continued, to himself, "By heavens, how lucky! +that boy has saved me!"</p> + +<p>A considerable amount of money was found upon the +forger, but none that could be identified, and after a long +and wearisome private examination at the police court, he +was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and shortly +afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes, +presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying:</p> + +<p>"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your +pockets. She thinks it may be valuable to you, sir, and +she is sorry it was wet."</p> + +<p>The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money +had been a serpent the lad was holding towards him.</p> + +<p>"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell +her to dry it carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, +when she can return the little parcel."</p> + +<p>George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon +the door-knob; the man was much agitated, and perceiving +the lad lingered, he thrust his hand into a carpet-bag, and +hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he opened it, and taking +thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and requested him +to run home to his mother and deliver the message immediately. +The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman, +the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, +patiently awaiting the return of her boy, and fearing the anger +of the gentleman at the hotel, when he should find his bank +notes nearly, if not quite destroyed, would probably so indispose +him towards the child that he would return empty-handed. +But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome +lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to +receive him.</p> + +<p>"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?"</p> + +<p>"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. +He said you must dry these papers, and he would call +to-night for them. And here, dear mother, he gave me a +large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the dutiful +boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of +the overjoyed mother. They were saved—the golden coin +soon made the widow's domicil cheerful and happy.</p> + +<p>It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called +for. They laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire +years, when a friend to the poor woman negotiated for +their exchange into a dwelling-house and small store. +And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and +her family owe their present prosperous and perfectly +honorable position in the respectable society of the city of ——.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Wonder_at_It" id="Wonder_at_It"></a>We don't Wonder at It.</h2> + + +<p>In the city, we get so many new <i>kicks</i>, and put on so +many new ways of living and doing up things, that no +wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact country folks make +awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our conventionalities, +and other doings. Dining at the American, last +week, we sat <i>vis-a-vis</i> with an old-fashioned agricultural +gent, whose plate of mock turtle remained cooling for some +time, while he was busy thinking over a silver four-pronged +fork in his hand. At length a broad smile played over +his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he opened—</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm jiggered!—ha! ha! <i>they've got to eating +soup with split spoons, too!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Horse_Bonny_Doon" id="Horse_Bonny_Doon"></a>Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon.</h2> + + +<p>Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive +and obedient, they are easily trained; bring them up +the way you want them to go, and they'll go it! The horse +in his old age does not forget the precepts of his youth. +A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry +service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After +the battle of Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe, +through chicanery—not valor—defeated the greatest +soldier the world ever saw, the British army was cut down, +rank and file—Napoleon having promised to "be a good +boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the <i>cut offs</i>, +was a troop of horse, and in this troop was an old veteran +Bucephalus, who had stood and made charges, smelt fire +and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets, and clashed +rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,—this +old fellow was turned out to grass—cashiered. When +the balance of his retained companions in saddle were +leaving the town where the dismemberment had taken +place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in a field; the +troop passed—the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less +than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences, +and in the front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung +to his place in the column caused—says the historian—the +officers and men to shed tears.</p> + +<p>So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire +and his horse. Some years ago, in the interior of Ohio, +there did live an old Irish jintleman, who not only had a +fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and as fine an old black +mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down upon. +"Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful +"critter;" she opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump +handle by her teeth, and actually extracted water from the +barn-yard well, with all the facility of a regular double-fisted +<i>genus homo</i>. As a sly old joker, she had performed various +tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking calves, +catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces +of them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned +cattle. But to the eccentric habits and bacchanalian +customs of her ex-military master, the old mare's dormant +talents owed their "fetching out."</p> + +<p>Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself +and honor to the State, in her early struggles against +the Indians and French Canadians. "Bonny Doon" was +then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most beautiful, +as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some +twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and +the mare were about, every-day cronies, for the old man +no more thought of walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than +a South Carolina dandy would dream of the possibility of +getting a glass of water without the immediate assistance +of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become possessed +of wealth as well as years—was likewise the progenitor +of a large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men +and women in the State, and having gotten all things in +this pleasant kind of train, he "laid off" in perfect lavender. +The old captain's farm was about four miles from the +large and flourishing town of Z——, and here the captain +spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in +the morning, and hitching her to the sign-post, the poor +beast would stand there—unless taken in by the ostler or +others—until midnight, while the captain swigged whiskey, +and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's" +affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently +until he came—her mane and long tail would then +switch about, while she'd "snigger eout" with gladness at +his coming, and carry the old man through rain or snow, +moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy railroads, +bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over +the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam, +while the waters on each side foamed and roared like a +mountain torrent, and while the old man was either asleep +or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was about as difficult +to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or Turk's +Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid +taxes or trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain +Maguire; but when he was "up the tree," a little sprung, +or <i>tight</i>, as you may say, he was ugly enough, and chock +full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain was summoned +to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his +evidence was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for +whom the old man entertained a most lively disgust and +very unchristianly hate. The old man, finding that he +must go, went. He wet his whistle several times before +starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached +the Court House, and about the time he supposed he was +wanted, he mounted "Bonny Doon," and started, full +chisel, up the steps, through the entry, and into the crowded +Court room, just in the nick of time.</p> + +<p>"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert——"</p> + +<p>"Be the help o' Moses, <i>I'm here!</i>" roared the captain, +in response to the crier.</p> + +<p>And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he +sat, stiff, and formal as a bronze statue of some renowned +military chieftain, on a pot-metal war steed. Some laughed, +others stepped out of the way of the mare's heels, judge +and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law practice +looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain +and his black charger for quite a different individual! It +was some time before order and decorum were restored, +as it was much easier for the judge to <i>order</i> Captain Maguire +to be arrested for his freak, than to do it, "Bonny +Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her +head or heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt +of court, and fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped +the disagreeable attitude of sustaining the suit of an +enemy. At another time, the captain, being on a <i>time</i>, +dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and +slap bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship +rather alarmed the whole congregation, and cost +the captain five twenties! Riding into bar rooms and +stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and +her master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare +up two entire flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing +into a room where "a native" was shivering in bed with +the fever and ague; but the noise and sudden appearance +of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a permanent +and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the +sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean +out of his emaciated body.</p> + +<p>After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth +'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they +parted! "Bonny Doon" being about the only living spectator +of her master's end. This tragic denouement came +about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men, +and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion, +expose themselves to the pitiless storm. The old +captain had been in town all day, with "Bonny Doon" +hitched to the horse block, and being full of "distempering +draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious +bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening +he mounted his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home.</p> + +<p>"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend.</p> + +<p>"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested +the landlord.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for +a seat in Congress!" rejoined the first speaker.</p> + +<p>"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And—and no +wonder ye wouldn't, fer not a divil iv ye's iver had the +horse as could carry ye's over me road th' night. Look at +that! There's the baste can do it!—d'ye see that?" +and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels +of his heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly +stood erect, and chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as +though just from her oats and warm stable, and fifteen years +kicked off.</p> + +<p>"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that +can thravel up a frozen mountain, slide down a greased +rainbow, and carry ould Captain Maguire where the very +ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty ould body. +Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!"</p> + +<p>And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never +reached the threshold of his domicil.—Next morning Captain +Maguire was found in the mill-dam, entirely dead, with +poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able to +walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood, +upon the narrow icy way over the dam, and from appearances +of the snow and planks of the little bridge, the faithful +mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by various +means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe +was evident; the old man had become sleepy, and +frozen, and while the poor mare was feeling her way over +the icy and snow-covered bridge, her master had slipped +off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have +dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was, +she stood a faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did +not survive him long,—the cold and her evident sorrow +ended the eventful life of "Bonny Doon."</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="the_Right_Pew" id="the_Right_Pew"></a>Getting into the "Right Pew."</h2> + + +<p>New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in +many parts of the United States. In the Western +States, they have horse-racing, shooting-matches, quilting-frolics +and grand hunting parties. In the South, the week +beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day, +is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have +one grand and extensive <i>saturnalia</i>, visit their friends and +relations, make love to the "gals" on neighboring plantations, +spend the little change saved through the year, or +now and then given to them by indulgent or generous masters, +and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays +in New Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is <i>a time</i>, and +no mistake. The old French and Spanish families keep +open house—dinners and suppers, music, song and dance. +On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of their friends +with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for this +purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed +a novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about +the tombs of the departed. In most of the South-Western +towns, the day is given up to fun and frolic. The Philadelphians +have a great blow out. The streets are filled by +holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint sticks"—making +the air resound with tin trumpets and penny +whistles. The men and boys used to load up every thing +in the shape of cannons, guns, pistols and hollow keys, and +bang away from sunset until sunrise, keeping up a racket, +din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a citadel. +The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men +kill the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending +the amusements, the multitude of rowdies passing their time +in concocting and carrying on street fights and running with +the engines.</p> + +<p>But the New Yorkers <i>bang</i> the whole of them; bear witness, +O ye New Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting +your friends, and your friends' friends. Open houses every +where! "Drop in and take a glass of wine or bit of cake, +if nothing else"—that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers flourish, +marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their +caps for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full +of confusion, the theatres and show-shops generally reap an +elegant harvest, and the police reports of the second morning +of the New Year swell monstrously! Of a New Year's +adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I +have a little story to tell.</p> + +<p>Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New +York, by the fascinating grace and <i>cap</i>-tivating head-gear +of a certain young widow, who had a fine estate. Jeff. was +what you might call a good boy; he had never seen much +of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his birth-place) +and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale. +He was a clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement, +kept "a set of books" for a mercantile firm in Maiden +Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and in all general +respects, was—a nice young man. He went with a friend +on a tour—New Year's day, to make calls. After a number +of glasses and chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful, +he found himself in the presence of a charming widow, and +some two months afterwards, himself and the widow, a parson +and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff. Jones, +aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in +the snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became +Mrs. Jeff. Jones, thereafter.</p> + +<p>Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the +venerable saying—all is not gold that glitters. The charming +widow was seriously inclined to wear the inexpressibles; +and poor Jeff., being of such a gentlemanly, good and easy +disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his reserved rights. +However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no +better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around +and see the elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion +to see what was going on after that interesting ceremony. +In short, Jeff. got to going out of nights—kept +"bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at first, but +which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not +mind his Ps. and Qs.</p> + +<p>The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the +widow was coming around. It was New Year's day in the +morn; it brought rather sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind, +on the head of which he thought he'd as soon as not—<i>get +tight!</i> This notion was pleasing, and dressing himself in +his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to +call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and +bring some friends with him!</p> + +<p>"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do, +that's all!" and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss +Juliet's to Mr. Romeo—she <i>spoke</i>, and she said something.</p> + +<p>However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if +Jeff. Jones did not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and +did the honors of the table with rare good grace, but where +was Jones?</p> + +<p>"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings +cold, and company preparing to leave; then he'll catch +a lecturing."</p> + +<p>But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones—for dinner +passed and tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began +to get snappish, and by ten o'clock she had bitten all the +ends from her taper fingers, besides dreadfully scolding the +servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally retired—the clock had +struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J. was worried +out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up +again, Jones might have met with some dreadful accident! +She had not thought of that before! Perhaps at that very +hour he was in the bottom of the Hudson, or in the deep +cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones dressed—the +house was as still as a church-yard—she put on an old +hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down +stairs; and by a passage out through the back area into a rear +street. Mrs. Jones at the dead hour of night determined to +seek some information of her husband. She had not gotten +over a block, or block and a half from her mansion, when +she spies two men coming along—wing and wing, merry as +grigs, reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes:</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope!<br /></span> +<span class="i10"><i>O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear—cracky!</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0">A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills!<br /></span> +<span class="i10"><i>O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear—cracky!"</i><br /></span> +</div> +</div> + +<p>In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly +approaching her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway +of a store; the revellers parted at the corner of the street, +after many asseverations of eternal friendship, much noise +and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering towards +Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and +darted <ins title="pass">past</ins> the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the +fellow made tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could +travel, and that ain't slow; for almost any man inside of +sixty can run, like blazes, when he is scarce able to stand +upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks in his beaver. +Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she +could reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just +as she was about to give an awful scream, wake up all the +neighbors and police ten miles around, she saw—<i>Jones!</i> +Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband!</p> + +<p>It was a moment of awful import—the widow was equal +to the crisis, however, and governed herself accordingly; +proving the truth of some dead and gone philosopher who +has left it in black and white, that the widows are always +more than a <i>match</i> for any man in Christendom!</p> + +<p>Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a +near kin to total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones +had not the remotest idea of where he was—time or persons; +his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas monstrous +foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered, +were highly spiced with—"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you +(hic) live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home +with you, eh? My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise +old scratch if I (hic), I went home to-to-night. (Hic) +I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning, and (hic) tell her, +ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a fire!"</p> + +<p>"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be +revenged. Come, sir, go home with me—I'll take care of +you. Come, sir, be careful; this way—in here."</p> + +<p>"Where the (hic) deuce are—are you going down this +(hic) cellar, eh?"</p> + +<p>"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on +my arm—there, shut the door."</p> + +<p>"Why (hic), ha-hang it a—all; get a light—that's a de—ar!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light."</p> + +<p>Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the +dark, and retired to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants, +hearing a noise in the basement, got up, stuck their +noses out of their rooms, and being convinced that a desperate +scoundrel was in the house, raised the very old boy. +Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans, +and chairs, and through him and the servants, the police +were alarmed! lights were raised, and Jones was arrested +for a burglar!</p> + +<p>Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his +own domicil, than Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen +and servants; it was a mysterious matter to Jones for +a full fortnight—but upon promise of ever after spending +his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of the bag. +Jones surrendered!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="A_Circuitous_Route" id="A_Circuitous_Route"></a>A Circuitous Route.</h2> + + +<p>We know several folks who have a way of beating round +and boxing the compass, from A to Z, and back again, that +fairly knocks us into smithereens. One of these characters +came to us the other day, and in a most mysterious manner, +with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and <i>hocus pocus</i>, +says he—</p> + +<p>"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you—(two winks;) +the fact of the business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,) +I've wanted to see you, badly; you see, I-a—well, what I-a +(two winks)—was about to remark (two nods and a short +cough),—that is to say, it don't make much matter, if-a—(wink, +wink, wink;) you see it was in this way, I-a—wanted +to—a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've been—not, +to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and +forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a—the fact is—"</p> + +<p>"Well, what in thunder and rosin is <i>the fact</i>, old boy?" +says we.</p> + +<p>"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a—I +don't know why I—shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) <i>have you +got two shillings you won't want to use to-day</i>?"</p> + +<p>We hadn't!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Season_at_Saratoga" id="Season_at_Saratoga"></a>Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga.</h2> + + +<p>"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of +summer travel, a jaunt somewhere, was being discussed +among the regular boarders in Mrs. Bamberry's +spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did +Mrs. Bamberry ever tell you of <i>my</i> tour to Saratogy +Springs?—last summer was two years."</p> + +<p>"No," said several of us <i>neuter genders</i> who had repeatedly +heard all about it, but were desirous that those +who had not been thus gratified, especially the ladies, and +particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was <i>dieting</i> for a tour +to the famed Springs—"tell us all about it, Major."</p> + +<p>"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, +"then, by the banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. +You see, last summer was two years, I came to the conclusion, +that I'd stop off business, altogether, brush up a +little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. +A friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to +Saratogy, with his wife and sister—a plaguy nice young +woman, the sister was, too; well, I don't know how it was, +exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my head, especially +as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like +to go up to Saratogy—that I'd go, and I went. It was +odd enough, to be sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of +rappee from his tortoise-shell box—"very odd, in fact, +but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in poor health, +and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young +woman, you may say—"</p> + +<p>"So that you had to <i>beau</i> her along the way, Uncle +Joe?" says several of the company.</p> + +<p>"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, +but somehow or other, I-a—I-a—"</p> + +<p>"Out with it, Uncle Joe—own up; you cottoned to the +young lady, gallant as possible, eh?" says the gents.</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I +assure you, gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the +slightest terms of intimacy with a young—"</p> + +<p>"And beautiful!" echoed the company.</p> + +<p>"Unexperienced," continued the Major.</p> + +<p>"And unprotected," says the chorus.</p> + +<p>"Volatile," added the Major.</p> + +<p>"And marriageable young lady, like Miss—"</p> + +<p>"Miss Catchem," said the Major.</p> + +<p>"Catchem!" cried the gents.</p> + +<p>"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of +a very respectable widow," continued the Major.</p> + +<p>"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested +in Uncle Joe's journey to Saratoga, and—but we +won't anticipate.</p> + +<p>"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, +was a—but no matter, they were of good family, and a—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; +go on with your story; you paid attention to Miss +Catchem; you grew familiar—you became mutually pleased +with each other, and you finally—well, tell us how it all +came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried.</p> + +<p>"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story—altogether! +Miss Catchem and I never spoke a word +to each other in our lives," said the Major.</p> + +<p>"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party.</p> + +<p>"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact."</p> + +<p>"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies.</p> + +<p>"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe +responds. "The fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the +week Padlock spoke to me of going to Saratogy, and +he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of a few +weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow +or other, I thought it was all for the best; things +might have turned out that I should have got tangled up +with that girl, and a—"</p> + +<p>"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, +Uncle Joe!" said the young ladies.</p> + +<p>"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might +have been so, but it turned out just as I have stated."</p> + +<p>"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; +"go on; how about Saratoga?"</p> + +<p>"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, +"I will. You see Padlock didn't <i>go</i>, it was very odd; but +somehow or other, I made up my mind to <i>go</i>, and I went. +I calculated to be gone three or four weeks, and I concluded +for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my purse, +if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three +dollars or so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a +good round sum, I assure you, to fritter away; but, by +banks of Brandywine, I was determined to <i>do</i> it, and I did. +It was very odd, but the first person I met at New York +was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to +see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in +business—had a large family—poor—in distress. It was +very odd, but somehow or other, we dined at the hotel +together—had a bottle of Madeira, and I a—well, I loaned—yes, +by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow +a twenty dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy +Merrifellow, we never met again; he—he died soon after, +in distress, his family broke up—scattered; it was very odd; +poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe again had recourse +to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner of his +full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with +his <i>pongee</i>, the Major continued:</p> + +<p>"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished +to find that a couple of bottles of good wine, two extra +meals, and something over one day's board, figured up the +round sum of ten dollars. I was three days out, so far, +and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended +for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, +thinks Major, my boy, this won't do; you must economize, +or you shall be short of your reckonings before you +are a week out of port. That morning at the steam-boat +wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he +looked in deep distress about something. It was very odd, +I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, he came +up to me and asked if I was going up the river, and I very +civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me he was a +stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, +was in great distress—had nothing but a valuable watch—a +present from his deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a +great deal more. He begged me to buy the watch, when +I refused at first, but finally he so importuned me, and +offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value +that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I +might in part, indemnify my previous extravagance by this +little bit of a trade. It was very odd; I don't know how +it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival at Saratogy, +I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that +would blow it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a +scoundrel! Here I was, four days from home, and my +whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage that +took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable +youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in +her arms; we had not rode far before I found the other +passengers, all gentlemen, apparently much annoyed by the +child; for my part I sympathized with the poor woman, +got into a conversation with her—learned she was on her +way to Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged +there as a builder. Upon arriving at Saratogy, the young +woman requested me to hold her child—it was fast asleep—until +she stepped over to a new building to inquire about +her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw +her from that to this!"</p> + +<p>A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed +this <i>tableau</i> in Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, +and the Major proceeded:</p> + +<p>"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but +somehow or other I was left with the child, and a plaguy +time had I of it; the town authorities refused to take charge +of it, nobody else would; so by Brandywine, there I was; +the people seemed to be suspicious of me—sniggered and +went on as though I knew more about the woman and her +child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, +and provide for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically.</p> + +<p>"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; +"that boy may pay you yet—pay you for all your trouble; +he's growing nicely, and will make a fine man."</p> + +<p>"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several.</p> + +<p>"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse +and had the youngster taken care of. The hotels were +crowded, very uncomfortable, rooms wretched, small, damp, +and dirty. The landlords were quite independent, and the +servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets I ever +encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others—bribed +a waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they +had what they called 'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking +the whole house, and raising such a noise and hullabaloo, +with cracked horns, squeaky fiddles—bawling and +yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be half so disturbant +of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got +enough of such <i>folderols</i>; at the end of the week I asked +for my bill, augmented by some few sundries—it made my +hair stand up. Now what do you suppose my bill was, for +one week, board, lodging, servants' <i>bribes</i> and sundries? +I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess +it—it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my <i>protege</i>, +bag and baggage, and started for home. I was absent on +this memorable tour to Saratogy just two weeks, and by +banks of Brandywine, if the expense of that tour—not including +the time <i>wasted</i>, vexation, bother, mortification of +feelings, fuss, and rumpus—was but a fraction less than +three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated +trip, lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more +humbug about it than I ever dreamed of!"</p> + +<p>Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, +that it cost Uncle Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than +it came to, and they all concluded—not to go there themselves, +just then—any how!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Old_Jack_Ringbolt" id="Old_Jack_Ringbolt"></a>Old Jack Ringbolt</h2> + + +<p>Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity +of salty yarns; she was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's +ups and downs, trials, travels and tribulations. Honest Jack +(!) had assured the old dame that he had sailed over many +and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and chimneys, +with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite +visible. He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she +finally was frozen into!</p> + +<p>"And did you see that—Lot's wife?" asked the old lady.</p> + +<p>"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now—the cattle got afoul +of the pillar of salt one day, and licked it all up!"</p> + +<p>"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!"</p> + +<p>"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been +around so, I'd think you would want to settle down, and +take a wife!"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Killed_Capt_Walker" id="Killed_Capt_Walker"></a>Who Killed Capt. Walker?</h2> + + +<p>Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so +mixed up and indefinite as that relative to the taking +of Huamantla, and the death of that noble and chivalric +officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of +Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the +"Secondary Combats of the Mexican War," we observe +that he has given an account of the engagement at Huamantla, +and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's +account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in +the main correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly +erroneous in the grand <i>denouement</i>, in which our gallant +friend—whose manly countenance even now stares us in the +face, as if in life he "yet lived"—yielded up the balance +of power on earth.</p> + +<p>We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest +surely, in coming at the facts; and no time seems so proper +as the present—several of the chivalric gentlemen of that +day and occasion, being now around us—to give the story +its veritable exhibition of true interest.</p> + +<p>Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of +the truest possible heroism and gallantry. He entered upon +the campaign with all the ardor and enterprise of a soldier +devoted to the best interests of his country. He commanded +a company of mounted men, whose bravery was +only equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness +has been unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of +the world. We shall skip over the thousand and one incidents +of the line of action in which Walker, Lewis, and +their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come +at the sanguinary and truly thrilling <i>denouement</i>.</p> + +<p>Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his +troops at Vera Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla, +where it was understood that Col. Childs required +reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of October, +and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote, +Lane learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his +muscle, and give the advancing columns jessy at the pass +of Pinal, and there was every prospect of a very tight time. +Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote; the men were +anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop +obtained permission to join the General with four +companies of the Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery +of the 3d Artillery, under command of Capt. Taylor, with +Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and Lewis, of the +Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some +2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching +Tamaris, Lane heard that the old fox was off—Santa Anna +had gone to Huamantla. Lane determined to hunt him up +with haste. The main force was left at Tamaris. Troops +were forwarded—advanced by Walker's Rangers and +Lewis's Cavalry—who approached to within sight, or nearly +so, of Huamantla. The orders to Walker were to advance +to the town, and if the Mexicans were in force, to wait for +the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated about +200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the +Mexican Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town, +and the brave Walker ordered a pursuit.</p> + +<p>Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker, +says his gallant comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the +captor of the wily old chief. The fair prospect of accomplishing +the deed so excited Walker, that danger and death +were alike secondary considerations, and so the command +charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge, +but with terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry +dashed in among them, cutting them down right and left, +and soon sent them flying in all directions! It was at this +moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the most heroic acts +of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any act +of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous +negro, a fine, manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to +Capt. Walker, with whom he was brought up—boys together—being +mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre, +dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached +body of lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing +himself between three poised lances and the person of +Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who would have been +most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in his +saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow +"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle! +Two lancers pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead!</p> + +<p>Charging up to the Plaza—the Mexicans flying—Capt. +Walker dismounted, with some thirty of his men, and advanced +up a flight of steps to force an entrance into a +church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was hid +away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers, +who, very injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town.</p> + +<p>Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard +attached to a temporary garrison, in which were some sixty +horses, equipped ready for immediate use, and which the +Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape, left behind them! +The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the Mexicans, +being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis +left several of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey," +the noted pugilist, a volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company, +to guard the horses, while he rode forward to the convent.</p> + +<p>"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only +useless, but bad policy, to allow that firing by the men, +around the town."</p> + +<p>Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease, +and being apprized of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the +horses, &c., ordered him to bring up his command. Capt. +Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and +Capt. Walker cried out—</p> + +<p>"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who +fires against my orders!"</p> + +<p>At that moment three guns were fired from the convent—and +simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street, +from a party of Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis +faced about just in time to see Capt. Walker drop down +upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically expresses it,—</p> + +<p>"Like a lump of lead, sir!"</p> + +<p>The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis +ordered the fallen, gallant Walker, to be placed upon the +steps close to the wall. A shot from the piece alluded to +striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered the doors to +be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was +done. The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of +lancers poured into the town, rushing down upon the Americans +from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had wheeled about +to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others +leading out "the pick" of the captured horses.</p> + +<p>"Drop—drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!"</p> + +<p>They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the +enemy in gallant style; and though there were ten, aye, +twenty to one, possibly, he drove them back! To quote +our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the Louisiana +Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve +the guns (captured), and held his position fairly, +until assistance arrived."</p> + +<p>One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the +Rangers and Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and +wounded. They were engaged nearly an hour, and the +bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their men, was +worthy of general admiration, and all honor.</p> + +<p>Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder, +passed over his heart, and came out in his right vest pocket!</p> + +<p>Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable +war parties, of its numbers, known to history. Walker +was a humane, impulsive man; a warm friend, a brave, +gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to Capt. +Lewis—to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and +that the chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt. +Walker, and his heroic "boy" Dave, who fell unknown to +his master, were buried together in the earth they so lately +stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men that were men!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Practical_Philosophy" id="Practical_Philosophy"></a>Practical Philosophy</h2> + + +<p>Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long +Wharf, a few days since, upon a religious <i>pint</i>. Jack argued +the matter upon a <i>specie</i> basis, and Skinflint took to +"moral suasion." Jack went in for equal division of labor +and money—all over the world.</p> + +<p>"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men +<i>should</i> share equal with the poor—their imprudence would +soon throw all the wealth into our hands again!"</p> + +<p>"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have +to—<i>share all around again!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="a_Ballet_Girl" id="a_Ballet_Girl"></a>Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl.</h2> + + +<p>Shakspeare has written—"let him that's robbed—not +wanting what is stolen, not know it, <i>and he's not +robbed at all!</i>" Now this fact often becomes very apparent, +especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,—a lady +of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same +who sent Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of +perfume to mix in her <i>suds</i>, while washing the pyramids +of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There never was a lady—no +member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from +dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of +other people, than Mrs. Pompaliner.</p> + +<p>"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting +maids, for Mrs. Pompaliner kept three, alternating them +upon the principle of varying her handkerchiefs, gloves and +linen, as they—in her double-distilled refined idea of things, +became soiled by use, from time to time. "Olivia, come +here—Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon +odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought +sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named +them up to the fanciful standard of her own.</p> + +<p>"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid +thing away. I believe my soul somebody has touched +it after it was ironed. Do take it away," and the poor +victim of concentrated, double extract of human extravagance, +almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a +fit of abhorrence at the idea of her <i>mouchoir</i> being touched, +tossed, or opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers +in her highly-perfumed <i>boudoir</i>.</p> + +<p>"Olivia!"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome +looking maid.</p> + +<p>"Olivia, put on your gloves."</p> + +<p>"Yes'm."</p> + +<p>"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says—"tell her +to come here this very day."</p> + +<p>"Yes'm."</p> + +<p>"Olivia!"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman.</p> + +<p>"Got your gloves on?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm."</p> + +<p>"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth +drawer of my <i>papier mache</i> black bureau, you will find a +case of handkerchiefs."</p> + +<p>"Yes'm."</p> + +<p>"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the +drawer, close the boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs +upon my rosewood tray. Do you comprehend, Olivia?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," said the girl.</p> + +<p>"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror! +such gloves! touch my handkerchiefs or bureau drawers +with those horrid gloves! Poison me!" cries the terrified woman.</p> + +<p>"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause, +from overtasked nature!</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled <i>blonde</i> replies.</p> + +<p>"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a +fresh servant, retire."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers.</p> + +<p>"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my +boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my black <i>papier mache</i> +bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear.</p> + +<p>"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your +gloves are clean—now run along, dear, for I'm suffering for +a fresh, new, and untouched handkerchief.</p> + +<p>"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's, +my laundress—say that I wish her to come here, immediately."</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins +for the domicil of democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress.</p> + +<p>"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman.</p> + +<p>"Dunno, missus wants to see you—guess you better +come," says Vanilla.</p> + +<p>"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I +wouldn't railly put up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she +wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her mind and body, and so good +about paying for her work. No, I declare I wouldn't," said +the strong-minded woman.</p> + +<p>"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one +of her fresh attendants announced the washerwoman.</p> + +<p>"Ah, you are here?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward, +Mrs. Brown, as she stood in the august presence of Mrs. +Pompaliner, and the gorgeous trappings of her own private +drawing-room.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat.</p> + +<p>"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here."</p> + +<p>"Yes'm."</p> + +<p>"Now Mrs. a—what is your name?"</p> + +<p>"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I—"</p> + +<p>"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a—Brown," said +the reclining Mrs. Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody +is permitted to touch or handle any of my wardrobe, +my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc., in your house?"</p> + +<p>"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of +course we've got to tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed +and put in your baskets, ma'am?"</p> + +<p>"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a—Brown—O dear! dear! +I am afraid you have ruined all my clothes!"</p> + +<p>"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a +fresh and lively lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water.</p> + +<p>"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week +as well as I ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could +do 'em on this mighty yeath (earth), ma'am!"</p> + +<p>"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the +poor, faint Mrs. Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry +me; answer me and go."</p> + +<p>"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous +toss of her bullet head.</p> + +<p>"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.—a—"</p> + +<p>"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let +anybody know it!" responded the spunky laundress.</p> + +<p>The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned +the current of affairs.</p> + +<p>"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm."</p> + +<p>"Then go to my <i>boudoir</i>, open the rose-wood clothes +case, bring down the skirts, a dozen or two of the <i>mouchoirs</i>, +the laces and hose."</p> + +<p>The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous +paper box, laden with the articles required.</p> + +<p>"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at +those articles; don't you see that they have been touched?"</p> + +<p>"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed, +folded and brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?"</p> + +<p>"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring +me a fresh handkerchief, ignite a <i>pastile</i>, there's such an +odor in the room. Do you <i>smell</i>, Mrs. a—Brown, that +horrid lavender or rose, or, or,—do you smell it, Brown?"</p> + +<p>"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I +ollers smell a dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o' +yourn, I often tell my Augusty, I wonder them stinkin'—"</p> + +<p>"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into +a spell;" recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to +state that for some time past, she had been troubled with <i>a +presentiment</i>, that her fine clothes had been tampered with +after leaving the smoothing iron, and how fatal to her +would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the remotest +manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of +hers! Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the +parties were now diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not +unlike a slight smear of vermilion, was discovered upon a +splendid handkerchief—it gave Mrs. P. an electric shock; +but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a <i>spangle</i>, big +as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts! +This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile +lavender and worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman +gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner into spasms, between the +motions of which she gasped:</p> + +<p>"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I have."</p> + +<p>"How old is she?"</p> + +<p>"About seventeen, ma'am."</p> + +<p>"And she a—?"</p> + +<p>"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!"</p> + +<p>The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P. +had not only been <i>touched</i> by sacrilegious hands, but had +had an airing, and smelt the lamps of the play-house! Mrs. +Pompaliner was so shocked, that four first-class physicians +tended her for a whole season.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped +her ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in +the finery of her most possibly particular and sensitive +customer! It was awful!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Legal_Advice" id="Legal_Advice"></a>Legal Advice.</h2> + + +<p>Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, +between imprisonment and being at large in debt to +your neighbor, there was no <i>difference</i> worthy the name of +it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in +debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known +some, who, though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook +in their very boots—wilted right down, before the frown of +a creditor! A man that can <i>dun</i> to death, or stand a +deadly <i>dun</i>, possesses talents no Christian need envy; for, +next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler" +and professional <i>dun</i>, for every ignoble trait in the character +of mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed +us of some facts so mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,) +that we jot them down for the amusement and information +of suffering mankind and the rest of creation, who now +and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and +law. And perhaps it may be as well to let the <i>indefatigable</i> +tell his own story:</p> + +<p>"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew +I was dead set against <i>crediting</i> anybody, he would insist, +and did—get into my books. I let it run along until the +amount reached sixty dollars, and Cutaway, instead of +stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper! Getting +in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day +he came in when I was out; he and his wife look around, +and, by George! they select a handsome tea-set, worth +twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends it home.</p> + +<p>"'Tell him to <i>charge it!</i>' says Cutaway, to the boy who +took the china home; and I did charge it.</p> + +<p>"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway +was a confirmed <i>diddler</i>; he got all he wanted, when +and where he could, upon the 'charge it' principle, and +had become so callous to duns, that his moral compunctions +were as tough as sole leather—bullet-proof.</p> + +<p>"I was vexed, I was <i>mad</i>, I determined to break one of +my 'fixed principles,' and <i>go to law</i>; have my money, +goods, or a row! I goes to a lawyer, states my case, gave +him a fee and told him to go to work.</p> + +<p>"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step +up to Van Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage; +and he attended. A few days afterwards I dropped in.</p> + +<p>"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly.</p> + +<p>"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I.</p> + +<p>"'O, he acknowledges the <i>debt</i>, says he thinks you are +rather hurrying up the biscuits, and thinks you might have +sent the bill to him instead of giving it to me for collection,' +says the lawyer.</p> + +<p>"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;—sent +my clerk until he got ashamed of going, and my boy +went so often that his boots got into such a way of <i>going</i> +to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change them with his +brother, <i>when he was going anywhere else!</i>'</p> + +<p>"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van.</p> + +<p>"'He <i>is</i>,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home +<i>diddler</i> in town.'</p> + +<p>"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the +debt, says he's rather straightened just now, but if you'll +give him a little more <i>time</i>, he'll fork up every cent; so if +I were you, I'd wait a little and see.'</p> + +<p>"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager +for law than a lawyer, so I waited—three months. At the +end of that time, early one Saturday morning, in came Cutaway. +'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to <i>fork</i> now, at +last; it's well you come, for I'd been <i>down</i> on you on Monday, +bright and early!'"</p> + +<p>"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed.</p> + +<p>"O, bless you, <i>no</i>. I said <i>that</i> to <i>myself</i>, but I met <i>him</i> +with a smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in +my excitement at the prospect of receiving the $80, which +I then wanted the worst kind, I shook hands with him, +asked how his family was, and got as familiar and jocular +with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had +in the world! Well, now what do you suppose was the +result of that interview with Cutaway?"</p> + +<p>"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we +suppose," was our response.</p> + +<p>"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he +asked me to credit him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen +cut goblets and glasses, and a pair of decanters; he expected +some friends from New York that evening, was +going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the +guests, in consideration of former favors rendered by him, +was pledged—being a man of wealth—to loan him enough +funds to pay his debts, and take up a mortgage on his residence."</p> + +<p>"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into +the street?" said we.</p> + +<p>"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the +goods, and he took them home with him, swearing by all +that was good and bad, he would settle with me early the +following Monday morning. I saw no more of <i>him</i> for +two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me. +The bill was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem +I'd have my money out of Cutaway, or I'd advertise +him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel."</p> + +<p>"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van.</p> + +<p>"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his +life, in the open street!' said I, in a heat.</p> + +<p>"'You might <i>rue</i> that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for +an assault, and give you trouble and expense.'</p> + +<p>"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?—the <i>law</i> being +<i>made</i> for the benefit of such villains!'</p> + +<p>"'We will arrest him,' said Van.</p> + +<p>"'Well, then what?' said I.</p> + +<p>"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have +the money, attach his property, goods or chattels, or clap +him in jail, sir!' said Van Nickem, with an air of determination.</p> + +<p>"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail, +I confess, was dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to +go it, give the rascal jessy, and Van did; but after three +weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went to jail, swore +out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had +been through that sort of process so often that, like the +old woman's skinned eels, he was used to it, and rather +liked the sensation than otherwise! Well, saddled with +the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at, you +may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks."</p> + +<p>"So you lost the $100—got whipped, eh?" we remarked.</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir</i>," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I +got old Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith +of the transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved +about half the community with whom he <i>had</i> any transactions,—got +his affairs all fixed smooth and quiet, and with +his family was off for California. I got wind of it,—Van +Nickem and I had a conference.</p> + +<p>"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he +sails, where the vessel is, &c.; lay back until a few hours +before the vessel is to cut loose, then go down, get the fellow +ashore if you can, talk to him, soft soap him, ask him +if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &c., and so on, +and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel, +knock him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer +ready to arrest both of you for breach of the peace; when +you are brought up, I'll have a <i>charge</i> made out against +Cutaway for something or other, and if he don't fork out +and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice +to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken +up and fined, and Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but +little and get off. But Van and the <i>writ</i> appeared. Cutaway +looked streaked—he was alarmed. In two hours' time +he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars +costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white +man you ever saw!"</p> + +<p>If Mr. Cutaway don't take the <i>force</i> of that moral, <i>salt</i> +won't save him.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="of_the_Day" id="of_the_Day"></a>Wonders of the Day.</h2> + + +<p>The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by +not allowing their clerks and book-keepers to dot their +i's or cross their t's, are now bargaining (with the old +school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a fourpence, +in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a two-pronged +pen, which cuts short business letters and printed +bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the +paper, two lines at a time. Great improvement on the old +method, ain't it?</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Know_You_Sir" id="Know_You_Sir"></a>"Don't Know You, Sir!"</h2> + + +<p>We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the +fact, that we <i>knew</i> so great an every-day <i>Plato</i> as +Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel never uttered a better +idea than that everlasting good motto—"Be sure you're +right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty +good wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a +man of genius, would pass to oblivion—be washed out in +Lethe's waters. We remember hearing Col. Crockett relate, +during a "speech," a short time before he lost his life +at the <i>Alamo</i>, in Texas—a little incident, of his being taken +up in New Orleans, one night, by a <i>gen d'arme</i>—lugged to +the calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard +case," not being able to find any body, hardly, that knew +him, and being totally unable to reconcile the chief of police +to the fact that he <i>was</i> the identical Davy Crockett, or +any body else, above par! "If you want to find out your +'level,'—<i>ad valorem</i>, wake up some morning, noon or night—<i>where +nobody knows you!</i>" said the Colonel, "and if +you ever feel so essentially chawed up, <i>raw</i>, as I did in the +calaboose, the Lord pity you!"</p> + +<p>There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's +"wise saw," in the case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire, +who was in the habit of <i>carting</i> himself out, in a very +ancient and excessively shabby gig; which, in consequence +of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush, sponge or +broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered +the hens—was not exactly the kind of <i>equipage</i> calculated +to win attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver. +The old millionaire, one day in early October, took +it into his head to ride out and see the country. Taking +an early start, the old gentleman, and his old bob-tailed, +frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old shabby gig, +about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a +Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading. +As nobody bestirred themselves to see to the traveller, +he put his very old-fashioned face and wig outside of +the vehicle, and called—</p> + +<p>"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?"</p> + +<p>Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced +towards the queer and questionable travelling equipage.</p> + +<p>"Vel, vot you vont, ah?"</p> + +<p>"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze +stab'l, viz two pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair."</p> + +<p>"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded +to unhitch old bald-face from his rigging.</p> + +<p>"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very +mosh like to rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too."</p> + +<p>"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!"</p> + +<p>"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal +say, sair, if you pleaze."</p> + +<p>The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old +brute to the stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders +of the traveller, he sought the landlord, to know if it would +<i>pay</i> to put up the shabby concern, and treat the old horse +to a real feed of hay and oats, without making some inquiries +into the financial situation of the old Frenchman.</p> + +<p>The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring +farmer, were at the <i>Bar</i>, one of those old-fashioned <i>slatted</i> +coops, in a corner, peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the +merits of a law suit, seizure of the property, &c., of a deceased +tiller of the soil, in the vicinity. Busily chatting, +and quaffing their <i>toddy</i>, the entrance of the poor old +traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself +of his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in +the room. The hostler having reappeared, and talked a +little Dutch to the host, that worthy turned to the traveller—</p> + +<p>"Good even'ns, thravel'r!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little."</p> + +<p>"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to +eat—plenty hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair."</p> + +<p>"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der +oats, and der hay, and der water;" and, with this brief +direction to his subordinate, the landlord turned away from +the way-worn traveller to resume his conversation with his +more, apparently, influential friends. The old Frenchman +very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and +the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized +of the fact that travellers had stomachs, and that of the +old French gentleman was highly <i>incensed</i> by long delay, +and more particularly by the odorous fumes of roast fowls, +ham and eggs, &c., issuing from the inner portion of the tavern.</p> + +<p>"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he.</p> + +<p>"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den +somesing will be prepared for you."</p> + +<p>"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not +vait for ze shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly—right +away; I not vait for nobody, sair!"</p> + +<p>"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house," +answered the old sour krout, "you old barber!"</p> + +<p>"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed +rage. "Sair, I vill go no where, I vill stay here so long, +by gar, as—as—as I please, sair!"</p> + +<p>"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman, +"that you are rendering gross and offensive, malicious and +libellous, scandalous and burglarious language to this gentleman, +in his own domicile, with malice prepense and aforethought, and a ——"</p> + +<p>"Pooh! pooh! <i>pooh!</i> for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman.</p> + +<p>"Pooh? To me, sir? <i>Me, sir?</i>" bullyingly echoed Blackstone.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sair—pooh—<i>pooh!</i> von geese, sair!"</p> + +<p>It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride, +the insolence of a travelling <i>barber</i> had stirred up in the +very face of the man of law, logic, and legal lore. He +swelled up, blowed and strutted about like a <i>miffed</i> gobbler +in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage, but it +bursted forth—</p> + +<p>"You—you—you infernal old frog-eating, soap and +lather, you—you—you smoke-dried, one-eyed,<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> poor old +wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's sake, I'd have you taken +up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I would, you +poverty-stricken old rascal!"</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that, however, +he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes.</p></div> + +<p>"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out +der ole hoss again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable; +now, you ole fool, you shall go vay pout your bishenish +mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss too!" said the landlord, with +an evident rush of blood and beer to his head!</p> + +<p>"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman, +"veri well, sair, I sal go—but,"—shaking his finger very +significantly at the landlord and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow +morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you, sir, sal make +de deed in my name—I kick you out, sair, (to the landlord,) +and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!"</p> + +<p>With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig, +amid the "Haw! haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!" +of the landlord and lawyer. "That for you," said the +Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real +half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now, +the farmer, one of the three spectators present, had quietly +watched the proceedings, and being <i>gifted</i> with enough insight +into human nature to see something more than "an +old French barber" in the person and manner of the traveller; +and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern property, +followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once +offered him the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant, +where the traveller passed a most comfortable night, and +where his host found out that he was entertaining no less a +pecuniary miracle of his time—<i>than Stephen Girard</i>.</p> + +<p>Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and <i>shady</i> +gig, accompanied by his entertainer, rode over to the two +owners of the Tavern property, and with them sought the +<i>lawyer</i>, the deeds were made out, the old Frenchman <i>drew</i> +on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten +years' <i>lease</i> upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble, +and as that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door, +and was very obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy +turned around on the steps, and looking sharp—with his one +eye upon the lawyer, says he—</p> + +<p>"Sair! Pooh! pooh!—<i>Booh!</i>" off he rode for the +Tavern, where he and the landlord had a <i>haze</i>, the landlord +was notified to <i>leave</i>, short metre; and being fully revenged +for the insult paid his millions, old Stephen Girard, the +great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he was +better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than +ever, that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Circumlocutory_Egg_Pedler" id="Circumlocutory_Egg_Pedler"></a>A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler.</h2> + + +<p>We have been, frequently, much amused with the +manœuvring of some folks in trade. It's not your +cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl over a smooth fourpence, +or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and spoil a knife +that cost a shilling,—that come out first best in the long +run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers, +or anybody else they deal with, and so far have we +seen this <i>infirmity</i> carried, that we candidly believe we've +known persons that would not stop short of cheapening +the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a dollar and +two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the <i>rationale</i> +of the matter is this:—as soon as persons establish a reputation +for meanness—beating down folks, they fall victims +to all sorts of shaves and short commons, and have the fine +Saxony drawn over their eyes—from the nose to the occiput; +they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &c., that +others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then +some folks are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder +their very shadow does not often cut somebody. A friend +of ours went to buy his wife a pair of gaiters; he brought +them home; she found all manner of fault with them; +among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her +better half had given for the gaiters, <i>she</i> could have got +the best article in Waxend's entire shop! <i>He</i> said <i>she</i> +had better take them back and try. So she did, and poor +Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up by +the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters +at a less price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend +saw how matters stood, so he consented to adopt the +maxim of—when Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war!</p> + +<p>"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have +made for Mrs. Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive +material, the best article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse +will not expect them for a few days, and rather than +<i>you</i> should be disappointed, I will let <i>you</i> have them for +the same price your husband paid for those common ones!"</p> + +<p>Of course Mrs. —— took them, went home in great +glee, and told her better half she'd never trust him to go +shopping for her again—for they always cheated him. +When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's bargain, +lo! he detected the self-same gaiters—merely with a different +quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher, +grinned and said nothing. That illustrates one phase in +the character of some people who "go it blind" on "bargains" +and now, for the pith of our story—the way some +folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come +at a thing.</p> + +<p>The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how +he was getting along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer.</p> + +<p>"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was +busy, keeping the stove warm.</p> + +<p>"Pretty well; how is it with you?"</p> + +<p>"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?"</p> + +<p>"Middling—middling, sir. How's all your folks?"</p> + +<p>"Tolerable—yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's +trade?" he ventured to inquire.</p> + +<p>"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come +take a seat by the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your +folks are all stirring, eh?" he added.</p> + +<p>"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother +got?" the storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew +the man.</p> + +<p>"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold +weather, you see, sort o' sets the old lady back."</p> + +<p>"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's +we, if there is anything important or business like on the +man's mind, he must be near to its focus. But he started again—</p> + +<p>"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes.</p> + +<p>"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?"</p> + +<p>"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent; +"I did think of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up."</p> + +<p>Here another <i>hiatus</i> occurred; the rural gent walked +around, viewed the goods and chattels for some minutes; +then says he—</p> + +<p>"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth +from our friend the venerated expression—</p> + +<p>"What's your hurry?"</p> + +<p>"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!"</p> + +<p>"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's +sleighing out your way—good?"</p> + +<p>"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it, +this winter, by jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent. +"Trade's dull, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Very—very <i>slack</i>."</p> + +<p>"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?"</p> + +<p>"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper.</p> + +<p>"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or +business much better, nowhere."</p> + +<p>To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied—</p> + +<p>"Not much—that's a fact."</p> + +<p>"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the +Californy goold mines, don't you?"</p> + +<p>"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it," +said the storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some."</p> + +<p>"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist. +"Some make money out there, and then agin some don't; +I reckon more don't than does." To this bright inference +the storekeeper ventured to say—</p> + +<p>"I think it's highly <i>probable</i>."</p> + +<p>"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes.</p> + +<p>"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a +little with influenza, colds, &c.; nothing serious, however."</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm glad to hear it."</p> + +<p>"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper, +in apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured +of the fact.</p> + +<p>"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady."</p> + +<p>Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was +speculation in the rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun +of the thing—as we "were up" to such dodges—we determined +to hang on and see how he come out.</p> + +<p>"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the +rural gent, and actually made five steps towards the handle +of the door.</p> + +<p>"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When +did you come in town?"</p> + +<p>"I come in this mornin'."</p> + +<p>"Any of the folks in with you?"</p> + +<p>"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was +too cold; 'spected some of your folks out to see us durin' +this good sleighing—why didn't you come?"</p> + +<p>"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper.</p> + +<p>"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time, +and the sleighin' holds out, you must come and see us."</p> + +<p>"I may—I can't promise for certain."</p> + +<p>Now another pause took place, and thinks we—the climax +has come, surely, after all that small talk. The country +gent walked deliberately to the door; he actually took hold +of the knob.</p> + +<p>"You off?" says the storekeeper.</p> + +<p>"B'lieve I'll be off"—opening the door, then rushes +back again—semi-excited by the force of some pent up +idea, says the rural gent—"O! Mr. ——, <i>don't you want +to buy some good fresh eggs</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some +fresh eggs; how many have you?"</p> + +<p>"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!"</p> + +<p>We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution, +the man came to the <i>pint</i>, and—sold his eggs in two minutes!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Jolly_Old_Times" id="Jolly_Old_Times"></a>Jolly Old Times.</h2> + + +<p>Either mankind or his constitution has changed since +"the good old times," for we read in an old medicine book, +that bleeding at the nose, and cramp, could be effectually +prevented by wearing a dried toad in a bag at the pit of +the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a +snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign +remedy! Dried toads and snake skins are quite out of use +around these settlements, and we think the Esculapius who +would recommend such nostrums, would be looked upon as +a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to cause his +brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of +a learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee, +who invariably recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to +cure the toothache! Had this venerable old colored gem'n +lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have created a +sensation in the medical circles!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Pigeon_Express_Man" id="Pigeon_Express_Man"></a>The Pigeon Express Man.</h2> + + +<p>In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, +they are supposed to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for +almost any body else, creating a heap of fun, and coming +out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut Yankees—the +cutest and all firedest <i>tight</i> critters on the face of the <i>yearth</i>, +when money or trade's in the question—are "<i>done</i>" now and +then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove.</p> + +<p>It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two +or three Eastern men, a few years ago, started a paper in +Philadelphia, upon the penny principle, and have since +been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and are, +men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their +business is concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all +competition, and made their <i>pile</i>. The proprietors were +always "fly" for any new dodge, by which they could keep +the lead of things, and monopolize the <i>news</i> market. The +Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we +write—the <i>mails</i>, and, now and then, express horse lines, +were the media through which <i>Great Excitements! Alarming +Events!! Great Fires and Awful Calamities!!</i> were +come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was +sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as +hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on +record, came in, and inquired of one of the clerks for +the proprietors of that institution. Being pointed out, +the thin man made a <i>lean</i> towards him. After getting +close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see +that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat +down very gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and +leaning forward until his razor-made nose almost touched +that of the publisher, in a low, nasal, anxious tone, says he,</p> + +<p>"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?"</p> + +<p>"I am, sir."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously +around and about him.</p> + +<p>"Did you ever hear tell of the <i>Pigeon Express</i>?" he continued.</p> + +<p>"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher.</p> + +<p>"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons—letters to their l-e-g-s and +newspapers under their wings—trained to fly any where +you warnt 'em."</p> + +<p>"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher—"Carrier—pigeons +trained to carry billets—bulletins and—"</p> + +<p>"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in +the stranger.</p> + +<p>"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly.</p> + +<p>"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else."</p> + +<p>"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded, +rising from his chair and pacing the floor, as +though rather and decidedly <i>taken</i> by the novelty and feasibility +of the operation.</p> + +<p>"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express."</p> + +<p>"I like the idea; good, first rate!"</p> + +<p>"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger.</p> + +<p>"But what would it cost?"</p> + +<p>"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on."</p> + +<p>"A small wagon?"</p> + +<p>"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained +to fly from one <i>pint</i> to another!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; well?"</p> + +<p>"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the +top of the bildin', for a spell, teu git the <i>hang</i> of things, +and so on!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, very well; go on."</p> + +<p>"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em +into his wagon—ten miles at first—throws 'em up, and the +birds go to the bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?"</p> + +<p>"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?"</p> + +<p>Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening +ears, in a low, long way, says the stranger—</p> + +<p>"<i>I've got 'em!</i> R-a-l-e Persian birds—be-e-utis!"</p> + +<p>"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher.</p> + +<p>"<i>Like a book</i>," the stranger responded.</p> + +<p>"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired.</p> + +<p>"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'."</p> + +<p>"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!"</p> + +<p>"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express +man, leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher, +who paced his office as full of effervescence as a +jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog days.</p> + +<p>About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few +cases, now and then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket +venders in Jersey City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore; +but these exploits rarely paid first cost, and did not +amount to much, although some noise was made about the +wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But +the <i>paper</i> was to have a new impulse—astonish all creation +and the rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The +publisher's partner was in New York, fishing for novelties, +and he determined to astonish him, on his return home, +by the <i>bird business!</i> A coop was fixed on the top of the +"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had +suggested. The wagon was bought, and, with two hundred +dollars in for funds, passed over to the pigeon express man, +who, in the course of a few days, takes the birds into his +wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them up, and +the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top +of the "bildin'," looking out for them.</p> + +<p>They kept looking!—they saw something werry like a +whale, but a good deal like a first-rate bad "<i>Sell!</i>" The +lapse of a few days was quite sufficient to convince the +publisher that he had been taken in and done for—regularly +<i>picked up</i> and done for,—upon the most approved and +scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag, +he made up his mind to pocket the <i>shave</i> and keep shady, +not even "letting on to his partner," who in the course +of the following week returned from Gotham, evidently +feeling as fine as silk, about something or other.</p> + +<p>"Well, what's new in New York—got hold of any thing +rich?" was the first interrogatory.</p> + +<p>"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating +something very important on the <i>tapis</i>.</p> + +<p>"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will +put the sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!"</p> + +<p>"No. What have you started in Gotham?"</p> + +<p>"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea +is grand—immense—I'll knock under."</p> + +<p>"Good! I'm glad—particularly glad you've found something +new and startling," responded the other. "Well, +what is it?"</p> + +<p>"Great!—wonderful!—<i>Carrier Pigeons!</i>"</p> + +<p>"What! Pigeons?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Pigeons!</i>"</p> + +<p>"You don't pretend to say that—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, all arranged—luckiest fellows alive, we are—"</p> + +<p>"Well, but—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, don't be uneasy—I fixed it."</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his +partner, sticking his digits into his trowserloons—biting his +lips and stamping around.</p> + +<p>"Rich! <i>elegant!</i> In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and—"</p> + +<p>"Flying! Why, do you—"</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on +my keeping perfectly <i>mum</i>, until things were in regular +working order; he then set the boys to work—we have +large cages on top of the building—"</p> + +<p>"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly. +"There, do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?"</p> + +<p>"Why—why, you don't pretend to say that—"</p> + +<p>"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago—talked +nothing but Carrier Pigeons—Pigeon Expresses—I +thought I'd surprise you, and—"</p> + +<p>"Well, well—go on."</p> + +<p>"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow +$200—a horse and wagon—"</p> + +<p>"Done! <i>done!</i>" roared the other, without waiting for +further particulars—"$200 and a horse and wagon—just +what Tom and I gave the scamp! ha! ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under +the force of the <i>joke</i>.</p> + +<p>Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly +known; but he is supposed to have given up the bird +business, and gone into the manufacture of woolly horses +and cod-liver oil.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Great_Dinner_Party" id="Great_Dinner_Party"></a>Jipson's Great Dinner Party.</h2> + + +<p>"Well, you must do it."</p> + +<p>"Do it?"</p> + +<p>"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well +enough to <i>do</i> in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," +and receiving his twenty hundred dollars a year, with no +perquisites, however, and—plenty of New Hampshire contingencies, +(to quote our beloved man of the million, Theodore +Parker,) poor relations.</p> + +<p>"But, my dear Betsey, do you <i>know</i>, will you consider +for once, that to <i>do</i> a thing of the kind—to splurge out like +Tannersoil, one must expect—at least I do—to sink a full +<i>quarter</i> of my salary, for the current year; yes, a full quarter?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson +had just moved up above "Bleecker street,")—"and bought +your carriage, and engaged——"</p> + +<p>"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson.</p> + +<p>"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J.</p> + +<p>"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred +dollars a year extra expenses, to—a——"</p> + +<p>"To gratify yourself, and—a——"</p> + +<p>"Your—a—a—your vanity, Madam, you should have +said, my dear."</p> + +<p>"Don't talk that way to me—to me—you brute; you know——"</p> + +<p>"I know all about it, my dear."</p> + +<p>"<i>My dear</i>—bah!" said the lady; "my <i>dear!</i> save that, +Mr. Jipson, for some of your—a—a——"</p> + +<p>What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge; +but Jipson just then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to +prevent the umpullaceous tone of Mrs. J.'s remarks, by +saying, in a very humble strain—</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too +old to act like goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope, +with the matters-of-fact of every-day life, to quarrel about +things beyond our reach or control."</p> + +<p>"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson, +I mean beyond your reach, that your income will not permit +us to live as other people live——"</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson.</p> + +<p>"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson.</p> + +<p>"Live like other people—that is, some people, Mrs. +Jipson, that I know of."</p> + +<p>"You don't suppose <i>I'm</i> going to bury myself and my +poor girls in this big house, and have those servants standing +about me, their fingers in their mouths, with nothing to do but——"</p> + +<p>"But what?"</p> + +<p>"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a——"</p> + +<p>"For what?"</p> + +<p>"For a—a——"</p> + +<p>But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined +what a <i>point</i> Mrs. J. was about to, but could not conscientiously +make, so he relieved her with—</p> + +<p>"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded +idea, a contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors, +the rabble world at large. Thousands do it, my dear, +and I've no objection to their doing it; it's their own business, +and none of mine. I have moved up town because I +thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest +kind of family carriage because I could afford it, and believed +it would add to our recreations and health; the carriage +and horses required care; I engaged a man to attend +to them, fix up the garden, and be useful generally, and +added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in order to +lighten your own cares, &c. Now, all this, my dear woman, +you ought to know, rests a very important responsibility +upon my shoulders, health, life, and—two thousand dollars +a year, and if you imagine it compatible with common sense, +or consonant with my judgment, to make an ass or fool of +myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries +of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for +the time to be 'under government,' with a salary of nothing +to speak of, but with stealings equal to those of a successful +freebooter, you—you—you have placed a—a bad estimate +upon my common sense, Madam."</p> + +<p>With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his +hat, gloves and cane, and soon might be seen an elderly, +natty, well-shaved, slightly-flushed gentleman taking his +seat in a down town bound <i>bus</i>, en route for the sugar +bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, & Co. It was +evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson +plied his knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's +accounts, and the tremulousness with which he drove the +porcupine quill, that Jipson was thinking of something else!</p> + +<p>"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of +Look, Sharp, & Co., to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the +counting room.</p> + +<p>"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from +his day-book, and not heeding the remark, though he saw +the person of his employer.</p> + +<p>"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt.</p> + +<p>"All folly!"</p> + +<p>"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment.</p> + +<p>"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg +pardon, sir. Engrossed in a little affair of my own, I quite +overlooked your observation. I will attend to the account +of Look, Sharp, & Co., at once, sir;" and while Jipson was +at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith could +be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly +deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction +for many years previous. The little <i>incident</i> was mentioned +to the partner, Comeagain. The firm first laughed, then +wondered what was up to disturb the usual equilibrium of +Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or nothing!</p> + +<p>"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife +is a good woman enough, but like most women, lets her +vanity trip up her common sense, now and then; she feels +cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are plunging out +with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano +going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes, +guess I'll do it.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors—not only in a +pecuniary, but domestic sense—that these dinners, suppers +and parties to the rag-tag and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning +people, who <i>ought</i> to be ashamed of them.</p> + +<p>"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!"</p> + +<p>A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange +the programme. When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she +vainly supposed, the prevalence of "better sense" on the +part of her husband, she was good as cranberry tart, and +flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event +that was to give <i>eclat</i> to the new residence and family of +the Jipsons, slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory +of the Tannersoil family, and create a commotion generally—above +Bleecker street!</p> + +<p>Jipson <i>drew</i> on his employers, for a quarter's salary. +The draft was honored, of course, but it led to some <i>speculation</i> +on the part of "the firm," as to what Jipson was up +to, and whether he wasn't getting into evil habits, and decidedly +bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked, Mrs. +Jipson talked. Their almost—in fact, Mrs. J., like most +ambitious mothers, thought, <i>really</i>—marriageable daughters +dreamed and talked dinner parties for the full month, +ere the great event of their lives came duly off.</p> + +<p>One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite—who +to get to come, and <i>where</i> to get them! Now, originally, +the Jipsons were from the "Hills of New Hampshire, of +poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years in the great +metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance +among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates, +ebbs and flows at such a rate, that society—such as domestic +people might recognize as unequivocally genteel—is hard to +fasten to or find. But one of the Miss Jipsons possessed +an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose brother +was a young gentleman of very <i>distingue</i> air, and who knew +the entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed +that sort of existence in the gay metropolis.</p> + +<p>Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged. +It was his, as many others' vocation, to arrange details, +command the feast, select the company, and control the +coming event. The Jipsons confined their invitations to +the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the diminutiveness +of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith, +who was permitted to review the parties invited.</p> + +<p>Few domiciles—of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"—were +better illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson, +on the evening of the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had +volunteered to "engage" a whole set of silver from Tinplate +& Co., who generously offer our ambitious citizens +such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration; +while china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white +aprons, with six plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in +Smith's programme. Jipson at first was puzzled to know +where he could find volunteers to fill two dozen chairs, but +when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of tactics +truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of +plates, napkins and wine glasses.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not +a little vexed at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and +the independent manner in which they monopolized attention +and made themselves at home.</p> + +<p>Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man." +Smith was at home, in his element; he was head and foot +of the party. Himself and friends soon led and ruled the +feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the wine <i>fizzed</i>, +the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with +Burgundy, Claret and Champagne!</p> + +<p>"To our host!" cries Smith.</p> + +<p>"Yes—ah! 'ere's—ah! to our a—our host!" echoes +another swell, already insolently "corned."</p> + +<p>"Where the—a—where is our worthy host?" says +another specimen of "above Bleecker street" genteel society. +"I—a say, trot out your host, and let's give the +old fellow a toast!"</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck +bloods, spilling their wine over the carpets, one +another, and table covers.</p> + +<p>"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in +the act of being kept <i>cool</i> by his wife, in the drawing-room.</p> + +<p>"Never mind, Jipson——"</p> + +<p>"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells.</p> + +<p>"I-ah—say, Mister——"</p> + +<p>"Old roostaw, I say——"</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating +his voice and fists.</p> + +<p>"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are."</p> + +<p>"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries +Mrs. Jipson.</p> + +<p>"What—ah—are you at? Does he—ah——"</p> + +<p>"Yes, what—ah—does old Jip say?"</p> + +<p>"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call +gentlemen?" chimes in a third.</p> + +<p>"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson.</p> + +<p>"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we—ah—are—ah—to +blame for—ah—patronizing a snob," continues a swell.</p> + +<p>"A what?" shouts Jipson.</p> + +<p>"A plebeian!"</p> + +<p>"A codfish—ah——"</p> + +<p>"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged +Jipson, rushing at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right +and left, upsetting chairs, tables, and lamps.</p> + +<p>"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest.</p> + +<p>"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies.</p> + +<p>"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter.</p> + +<p>Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch +fiddlers, only engaged for the occasion, taking no interest +in a free fight, and not caring two cents who whipped, laid back and—</p> + +<p>"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the +men folks (!) began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed; +called for their hats, shawls, and <i>chaperones</i>,—the most of the +latter, however, were <i>non est</i>, or too well "set up," to heed +the common state of affairs.</p> + +<p>Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within +the walls for a week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the +daughters not only got over their hysterics, but ideas of +gentility, as practised "above Bleecker street." It took +poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial +"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get +over their grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="for_them_Lobsters" id="for_them_Lobsters"></a>Look out for them Lobsters.</h2> + + +<p>Deacon ——, who resides in a pleasant village inside +of an hour's ride upon Fitchburg road, rejoices +in a fondness for the long-tailed <i>crustacea</i>, vulgarly known +as lobsters. And, from messes therewith fulminated, by +<i>some</i> of our professors of gastronomics that we have seen, +we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant +for the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been +disappointed several times by assertions of the lobster merchants, +who, in their overwhelming zeal to effect a sale, had +been a little too sanguine of the precise <i>time</i> said lobsters +were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten +pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet +country, the deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster +no better than it should be!</p> + +<p>"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,—"get +them alive and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself; +be sure of their freshness, and have them cooked more +carefully and properly."</p> + +<p>"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell +them, I observe, near the depot,—right out of the boat. +I'm much obliged for the notion."</p> + +<p>The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,—as he was +about to return home, he goes to the bridge and bargains +for two live lobsters, fine, active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive +and kicking, and no mistake!</p> + +<p>"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to +the purveyor of the <i>crustacea</i>, as he gazed wistfully upon +the two sprawling, ugly, green and scratching lobsters, as +they lay before him upon the planks at his feet.</p> + +<p>"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,—"why, +bile 'em and eat 'em! I bet you a dollar you never +ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow, mister!"</p> + +<p>The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the +speaker, as much as to say—"you don't say so?"</p> + +<p>"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?"</p> + +<p>"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough; +here, Saul," says he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue +pants—<i>sans</i> hat or boots, and but one <i>gallows</i> to his +breeches, "here, you, light upon these lobsters and carry +'em home for this old gentleman."</p> + +<p>"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I +reside ten miles out in the country!"</p> + +<p>"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant; +"well, I tell you, Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in +this 'ere bag, if you're goin' out?"</p> + +<p>"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go +right along with me."</p> + +<p>The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack, +thrown across the shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away +they went at the heels of the deacon, to the depot; here +Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until their bones or +shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a +"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of +one of the lobsters protruded out of the bag—opened and +shut with a <i>clack</i>, that made the deacon shudder!</p> + +<p>"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they +not, my son?" says the deacon.</p> + +<p>"Not <i>werry</i>," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you +see they's got pegs down here—<i>hallo!</i>" As Saul poked his +hand down towards the big claw lying partly out of the +open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and <i>clacked</i> at his fingers, +ferocious as a mad dog.</p> + +<p>"His peg's out," said the boy—"and I can't fasten it; +but here's a chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get +out, any how, and you kin put 'em into yer pot right out of +the bag."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care +of them; bring them here; there, just place the bag right +in under my seat; so, that will do."</p> + +<p>Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure +approached, and soon every seat around the worthy +deacon was occupied. By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady," +in front of the deacon, began to <i>fussle</i> about and twist +around, as if anxious to arrange the great amplitude of her +<i>drapery</i>, and look after something "bothering" her feet. +In front of the lady, sat a <i>slab</i>-sided <i>genus</i> dandy, fat as a +match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a +pale-face dog, with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, +quite as gaudy as his master's neck-choker; this canine gave +an awful—</p> + +<p>"<i>Ihk!</i> ow, yow! yow-oo—yow, ook! yow! <i>yow!</i> <span class="smcap">yow</span>!"</p> + +<p>"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon, +jumping up, and making a desperate splurge to get up on +to the seats, and in the effort upsetting sundry bundles and +parcels around her!</p> + +<p>"Yow-<i>ook!</i> Yow-<i>ook!</i>" yelled the dog, jumping clear +out of the grasp of the juvenile <i>Mantillini</i>, and dashing +himself on to the head and shoulders of the next seat occupants, +one of whom was a sturdy civilized Irishman, who +made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and +to the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, +he sung out:</p> + +<p>"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil <i>mad</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother.</p> + +<p>"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another.</p> + +<p>"Whur-r-r-r! ye <i>divil!</i>" cries the Irish gintilman, +pinning the poor dog down between the seats, with a force that +extracted another glorious yell.</p> + +<p>"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!"</p> + +<p>"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the +rear of the deacon, leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his +leg vigorously.</p> + +<p>"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one.</p> + +<p>"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating +his seat and crowding towards the door.</p> + +<p>"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady.</p> + +<p>"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once.</p> + +<p>"Good <i>conscience!</i>" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped +his newspaper, in the midst of the din—noise and confusion; +and with a most singular and spasmodic effort to +dance a "<i>high</i>land fling," he hustled out of his seat, exclaiming:</p> + +<p>"Good conscience, I really believe they're out."</p> + +<p>"Eh? What—what's out?" cries one.</p> + +<p>"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane.</p> + +<p>"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several.</p> + +<p>"Snakes!" cried a dozen.</p> + +<p>"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed.</p> + +<p>"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!"</p> + +<p>"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din!</p> + +<p>"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?" +says the conductor, coming to the rescue.</p> + +<p>"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once.</p> + +<p>"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one, +while all eyes were directed, tongues wagging, and hands +gesticulating furiously at the astonished deacon.</p> + +<p>"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe +I'm bitten clear through my boot—catch them, Mr. Swallow!" +cries the deacon.</p> + +<p>"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy.</p> + +<p>"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around.</p> + +<p>"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,—<i>my lobsters, +sir</i>," says the deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor +and the man with the cane get at the <i>reptiles</i>, as the latter insisted.</p> + +<p>"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!"</p> + +<p>"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a +mock heroic shrug of his shoulders, and looking fierce as +two cents!</p> + +<p>"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them.</p> + +<p>"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have +got their pins out!"</p> + +<p>"Why, they are <i>alive</i>, and crawling around; hear the +old fellow,—take care, Mr. Swaller—he's cross as sin!" +says the man with the cane—"wasn't that a <i>snap</i>? Take +care! You got him?" that indefatigable assistant continued, +rattling his tongue and cane.</p> + +<p>"I've got them!" cries the conductor.</p> + +<p>"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon.</p> + +<p>"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody.</p> + +<p>"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy +another <i>live lobster!</i>"</p> + +<p>Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but +when young Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed +with the <i>Irishman</i>, at "the last stopping place," in his excitement, +leaving a quart jug of whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Fitzfaddles_at_Hull" id="Fitzfaddles_at_Hull"></a>The Fitzfaddles at Hull.</h2> + + +<p>"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's +sake; if you must go, you must <i>go</i>, that's all."</p> + +<p>"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"—pettishly reiterates the +lady of the middle-aged man of business; "mention any +thing that would be gratifying to the children—"</p> + +<p>"The children—<i>umph!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up +souls to, to—to the Springs—"</p> + +<p>"<i>Haven't</i> they been to Saratoga? <i>Didn't</i> I spend a month +of my precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars +there, four years ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed, +worried, starved, and—laughed at?" Fitzfaddle responds.</p> + +<p>"Or, to the sea-side—" continued the lady.</p> + +<p>"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook—"</p> + +<p>"Don't call me <i>Sook</i>, Fitzfaddle; <i>Sook!</i> I'm not <i>in</i> the +kitchen, nor <i>of</i> the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!" +said the lady, with evident feeling.</p> + +<p>"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, +don't be so rabid; don't be foolish, in your old days; my +dear, we've spent the happiest of our days in the kitchen; +when we were first married, <i>Susan</i>, when our whole stock +in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs—"</p> + +<p>"Well, that's enough about it—" interposed the lady.</p> + +<p>"A plain old pine breakfast table—" continued Fitz.</p> + +<p>"I'd stop, just <span class="smcap">there</span>—" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz.</p> + +<p>"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner +cupboard—" persevered the indefatigable monster.</p> + +<p>"I'd go through the whole inventory—" angrily cried +Mrs. Fitz—"clean down to—"</p> + +<p>"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had—"</p> + +<p>"Don't you—<i>don't you feel ashamed of yourself</i>?" exclaims +Mrs. Fitz, about as full of anger as she could well +contain; but Fitz keeps the even tenor of his way.</p> + +<p>"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever +forget a jot of the real happiness of any portion of my life. +When you and I, dear Sook (an awful scowl, and a sudden +change of her position, on her costly rocking chair. Fitz +looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when you +and I, <i>Susan</i>, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue +frame,' down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or +piece of mahogany, or silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery +of any sort, the five old chairs—"</p> + +<p>"Good conscience! are you going to have that over +again?" cries Mrs. Fitz, with the utmost chagrin.</p> + +<p>"The old white pine table—"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Fitz starts in horror.</p> + +<p>"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor!</p> + +<p>"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had—"</p> + +<p>Nature quite "gin eout"—the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle +throws herself down upon the sumptuous <i>conversazione</i>, +and absorbs her grief in the ample folds of a lace-wrought +handkerchief (bought at Warren's—cost the entire profits +of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle & Co.'s A No. 1 cod!), while +the imperturbable Fitz drives on—</p> + +<p>"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan—the time and +again, Susan, I've sat in that little kitchen—"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence, +so dear to Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her.</p> + +<p>"With little Nanny—"</p> + +<p>"You—you brute! You—you vulgar—you—you Fitzfaddle. +Nanny! to call your daughter N-Nanny!"</p> + +<p>"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny—" says the matter-of-fact +head of the firm of Fitzfaddle & Co. "I believe we did +intend to call the girl Nancy; we <i>did</i> call her Nanny, Mrs. +Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your innovations, +things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my +soul that girl has had five changes in her name before you +concluded it was up to the highest point of modern respectability. +From Nancy you had it Nannette, from Nannette +to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it was rested +at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess +of nonsense to <i>handle</i> my plain name."</p> + +<p>"Anna Antoinette De Orville"—said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly +rallying, "<i>is</i> a name, only made <i>plain</i> by your ugly +and countryfied prefix. De Orville is a name," said the lady.</p> + +<p>"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon +what pretext, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a +Frenchy and flighty name or title as De Orville?"</p> + +<p>"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz.</p> + +<p>"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, <i>Sook</i>," says Fitzfaddle.</p> + +<p>"<i>Sook!</i>" almost screams Mrs. Fitz.</p> + +<p>"Yes, <i>Sook</i>, Sook <i>Scovill</i>, daughter of a good old-fashioned, +patriotic farmer—<i>Timothy Scovill</i>, of Tanner's Mills, +in the county of Tuggs—down East. And when I married +Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a rustling of silk is heard—a +door slams, and the old gentleman finishes his domestic +narrative, <i>solus!</i>), she was as fine a gal as the State ever +produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged +or put out, on the account of our poverty. We +started in the world square; happy as clams, nothing but +what was useful around us; it is a happy reflection to look +back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's old chest, +and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard—the cracked pots +and pans—the old stove—Sook as ruddy and bright as a +full-blown rose, as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor, +dining room, and kitchen—turning her slap-jacks, frying, +baking and boiling, and I often by her side, with our first +child, Nanny, on my—"</p> + +<p>"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough +recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, +re-entering the parlor.</p> + +<p>"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when +I sat and read to you, or held Nanny, while you—"</p> + +<p>"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake—"</p> + +<p>"While you—ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown +rose, bent over your mother's old cook stove—"</p> + +<p>"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?" +cried the really <i>tried</i> woman.</p> + +<p>"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the +action to the word.</p> + +<p>"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated +paroxysm of pity and indignation, but Fitz let it come.</p> + +<p>"<i>While I dandled Nanny on my knee!</i>"</p> + +<p>A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past, +and Mrs. Fitz fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign +to come. At length, after a deal of "dicker," Fitz +remembering only the bad dinners, small rooms, large +bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and clamor +of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts; +and Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show +and extravagance) she had run against the many ambitious +shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's, lawyers' and doctors' +daughters—Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the family,—Mrs. +Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters—Anna +Antoinette De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville, +and Alexander Montressor De Orville, and two servants—start +in style, for the famed city of Hull!</p> + +<p>It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had +secured, upon accommodating terms, rooms &c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's +own choosing. With the diplomacy of five prime +ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and circumstance of +a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,—husband rich, and +indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters," +you may—if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place," +fancy Mrs. Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about +a third of the <i>swarth</i> she cut. The first evident opposition +Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from the wife of a wine merchant. +This lady made her <i>entree</i> at —— House, with a +pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity +of band boxes, patent leather trunks, and—her +husband. The first day Mrs. Oldport sat at table, her new +style of dress, and her European jewels, were the afternoon +talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles <i>spread</i>, and Mrs. Oldport +was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up" +an artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of +dress and proficiency in music took down the entire collection! +Mrs. Michael Angelo Smythe and daughter +captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's "circle"—a young +naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her +chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening +Mrs. F. got up,—to get back her two recruits—a +grand private <i>hop</i>, at a cost of $130! And the close of +the week brought such a cloud of beauty, jewels, marriageable +daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &c., that +Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic +arrangements, her competitions, stratagems,—her fuss, her +jewels, silks, satins and feathers, that a nervous-headache +preceded a typhus fever, and the unfortunate lady was +forced to retire from the field of her glory at the end of the +third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle +out of pocket—more or less—<i>five hundred dollars!</i> The +last we heard of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good +old times when he rejoiced in five old chairs—cook stove—slap-jacks, &c.!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="on_a_Platform" id="on_a_Platform"></a>Putting Me on a Platform!</h2> + + +<p>Human nature doubtless has a great many weak +points, and no few bipeds have a great itching after +notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly informed, is not +unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too eternal +slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never +cared a tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of +getting quietly along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort +and knowledge, has sufficed to engross my individual attention; +but I've often "had my joke" by observing the various +grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to nob, +patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle, +in which they might be the centre pin! This desire, +or feeling, is a part and parcel of human nature; you will +observe it every where—among the dusky and man-eating +citizens of the Fejee Islands—the dog-eating population of +China—the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants, +ye <i>Yankoos</i> of the new world; all, all have a tendency +for lionization.</p> + +<p>This very <i>innocent</i> pastime finds a great many supporters, +too; toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth +the vain glory of man; if you can only get a <i>toady</i>—the +<i>more</i> the better—you can the sooner and firmer fix +your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as thrift +must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially +necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser +quantity of the goods and chattels of this world, or some +kind of tangible effects, to grease the wheels of your emollient +supporters; otherwise you will soon find all your +air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere gas, and +your stern in the gravel immediately.</p> + +<p>Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their +gas and human weakness. I have said that I never sought +distinction, but I have had it thrust upon me more than +once, and the last effort of the kind was so particularly +<i>salubrious</i>, that I must relate to you, <i>confidentially</i> of +course, how it came about.</p> + +<p>When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I +spent much of my time in surveying "the lions," dipping +into this, and peeping into that; promenading the Common +and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker Hill; +ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &c., &c.</p> + +<p>Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable +building was undergoing some repairs, placards were +tacked up about the doors, prohibiting persons from strolling +about the capitol. The attendant was very polite, and +told me, and several others desirous to see the building inside, +that if we called in the course of a few days, we could +be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged +about the work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so +closely in my desire to examine the interior, while on the +spot, that the man, when the rest of the visitors had gone, +relented, and I was not only allowed to see what I should +see, but he <i>toted</i> me "round."</p> + +<p>We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and +learned all the particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms, +closets, &c., and then came to the Senate Chamber. +This you know is something finer than the country meeting +house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the +"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull, +Squantum, etc.,—incipient Demostheneses, and sucking +Ciceros, first tap their gasometers "in the haouse." Here +I found the venerable pictures of the ancient <i>mugs</i>, who +have figured as Governors, &c., of the commonwealth, from +the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton, +who, strange as it may appear, was really elected +Governor, though a double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers, +swords, drums and muskets, that doubtless rattled and +banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully and +critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate, +I mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about +three feet of Webster's first oration at Bunker Hill. To +be sure, my audience was <i>small</i>, but <i>it</i> was duly attentive, +and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my ribs, after +the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the +day, he—my audience—opened his mouth, and stretched his +eyes to the size of dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at +eloquence; the very ears of the <i>canvased</i> governors seemed +pricked up, and I descended the stand big as Mogul, +insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant, +informed him I should call in a few days to take a view +from the top of the dome, &c. He bowed and I took myself off.</p> + +<p>Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of +the State House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to +the top of the dome and get a view of the city and suburbs.</p> + +<p>My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped +eyes upon me, than he pitched into all manner of highfernooten +flub-dubs, bowed and scraped, and regretted that the +day was so misty and dull, as I would not be enabled to +have half a chance to get a view.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he.</p> + +<p>"What's the reason?" asked I.</p> + +<p>"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the +city and the villages around, and you'll want to get them all +down distinct."</p> + +<p>"Get them all <i>down</i> distinct?" quoth I.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll +not see half the prominent buildings, never mind the whole +of the former and not so easily seen houses. You intend +taking a full view, don't you, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive +what caused such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition +of the man's great interest in my getting "a first rate +notice" of matters and things from the top of the capitol! +But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears of my +not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could +wish. Having gratified myself with such a view as the +weather and the height of the capitol afforded (and in +clear weather you can get far the best survey of Boston +and the environs from the top of the State House than from +any other promontory about), I descended again. At the +foot of the stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me, +introduced several other miscellaneous-looking chaps to me, +and, in short, was making of me, why or wherefore I knew +not, quite a lion!</p> + +<p>"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could +you get the outline?"</p> + +<p>"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine."</p> + +<p>"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin, +sir, let me know, and I'll lock the upper doors when +you go up, and you'll not be disturbed, sir."</p> + +<p>"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as +early in the morning as possible, or, if convenient, before +the visitors begin to come up; they'd disturb you, you know!"</p> + +<p>"Disturb <i>me!</i> Why, I don't know how they would do that?"</p> + +<p>"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith—you know Mr. Smith, sir, +I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"Why, yes; the name strikes me as <i>somewhat</i> familiar; +do you refer to <i>John Smith</i>?" I observed, beginning to +participate in the joke, which began to <ins title="develope">develop</ins> itself +pretty distinctly.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John—John R. Smith; +he's a splendid artist, sir; <i>his</i> sketch or panorama is a +beauty! Sir! did you ever see his panorama?"</p> + +<p>"I think I did, in New York," I replied.</p> + +<p>By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated +around us, and I was the centre of a considerable circle, +and from the whispers, and pointing of fingers, I felt duly +sensible, that, great or small, I was a <span class="smcap">lion</span>! Under what +auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me it +was an unaccountable mist'ry.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady; +"I can have a small platform erected, outside of the cupola, +for you, to place your <i>designs</i> or sketches on, and you'll +not be so liable to be disturbed. Mr. Smith, he had a +platform made, sir."</p> + +<p>I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber.</p> + +<p>"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the +devil do you take me for?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in, +sir," said he, with a very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes.</p> + +<p>"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit +for devilish keen perception; but, if it's a fair question," I +continued, "what do you mean by fixing a platform for my +<i>designs</i>? You don't think I'm going to fly, jump or deliver +orations from the cupola, do you?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of +Boston, ain't you?"</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Me?</span>"</p> + +<p>"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, yes—I understand—you've found me out, but +keep dark—mum's the word—you understand?" said I, winkingly.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform +outside, I guess."</p> + +<p>"Yes; out with it, and <i>keep dark until I come!</i>"</p> + +<p>I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off +my corked up risibilities.—Whether the man actually did +prepare a platform for my designs, or whether Banvard ever +went to take his designs there, I am unable to say, as I went +South a few days afterward, and did not return for some time.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Exorbitancy_of_Meanness" id="Exorbitancy_of_Meanness"></a>The Exorbitancy of Meanness.</h2> + + +<p>Few <i>extravaganzas</i> of man or woman lay such a heavy +<i>stress</i> upon the pocket-book or purse as meanness. This +may seem paradoxical, but it's nothing of the kind. How +many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How many to +cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling +ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones +refused to let his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and +when Jones's house was in a blaze, Johnson forbid him +touching his water to put it out. Smith by accident ran +his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut +away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon, +dislocated Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and +Peppers being a mighty spunky, as well as a powerfully +mean man, fought it out four years, and finally sunk every +cent he had in the world by the slight transaction. It is a +first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and +feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book, +isn't worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go +in, marry money if you can, save up some, but don't cultivate +meanness, for it never pays.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Down_a_Sheriff" id="Down_a_Sheriff"></a>"Taking Down" a Sheriff.</h2> + + +<p>Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" +of a <i>district</i> out West, a lawyer originally, +and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy Diddler generally, +took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and +putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time, +<i>sans l'argent</i>, to live like a prince. Buck was what the +world would call a devilish clever fellow; he was something +of a scholar, with the smattering of a gentleman; good at +off-hand dinner table oratory, good looking, and what +never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair enough +about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes. +Buck was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense +enough not to waste his <i>gas</i>-conade—ergo, he had the merit +not to falsify to ye ancient falsifiers.</p> + +<p>The Honorable Mr. Buck's <i>manner</i> of living not being +"seconded" by a corresponding manner of <i>means</i>, he very +frequently ran things in the ground, got in debt, head and +heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized a dealer in +Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount +of some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator +of said cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad +towards the last, and threatened "the Western member" +with a course of legal sprouts, unless he "showed cause," +or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck +had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and +not being spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let +the notice slide.</p> + +<p>Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John +through; so he got out a writ of the savagest kind—arson, +burglary and false pretence—and a deputy sheriff was soon +on the taps to smoke the Western member out of his boots. +Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel, where the honorable +gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found +he had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel. +Thither, the next day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother +Yohe—rest her soul!—informed the officer that the honorable +gentleman had stepped out one morning, in a hurry +like, and forgot to pay a small bill!</p> + +<p>John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he +had left his mark and cleared for Sanderson's, where the +indefatigable tailor and his terrier of the law, pursued the +member, and learned that he had gone to Washington!</p> + +<p>"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears.</p> + +<p>"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off; +merely a dodge to get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!"</p> + +<p>Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other +bills, amounting to a good round sum, were lodged at the +Sheriff's office, and the very Sheriff himself took it in hand +to nab the <i>cidevant</i> M. C., and cause him to suffer a little +for his country and his friends!</p> + +<p>Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician +of popular renown—a good, jolly fellow—knew the Hon. +Mr. Buck, having had "the pleasure of his acquaintance" +some months previous, and having been <i>floored</i> in a political +argument with the "Western member," was inclined +to be down upon him.</p> + +<p>"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he +thrust "the documents" into his pocket and proceeded to +hunt up the transgressor. Accidentally, as it were, who +should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner into the grand +<i>trottoir</i>, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye ballot-box +in the rural districts, once upon a time!</p> + +<p>"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims +the Ex-M. C., as familiarly as you please.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you."</p> + +<p>"Fine day, Sheriff?"</p> + +<p>"Elegant, sir, <i>prime</i>," says the Sheriff.</p> + +<p>"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam +trade? Did you read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening +of Jenkins's ditch?"</p> + +<p>For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation, +Sheriff F. <i>put</i> some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded +along until they approached a well-known dining +saloon, then under the supervision of a burly Englishman; +and, as it was about the time people dined, and the Sheriff +being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about +as well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed—</p> + +<p>"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old +Sherry, at ——? We don't often meet (?), so let's sit +down and have a quiet talk over things."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to, +just as soon as not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business +with you, and it would be hardly friendly to eat your +dinner before apprizing you of the fact, sir."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat +alarmed Diddler; "nothing serious, of course?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a <i>writ</i>, Mr. Buck; +a writ, that's all."</p> + +<p>"For my arrest?"</p> + +<p>"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff.</p> + +<p>"The deuce! What's the charge!"</p> + +<p>"Debt—false pretence—<i>swindling!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered +Ex-M. C.; "well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business +spoil our digestion; come, let us dine, and then I'm +ready for execution!" says the "Western member," with +well affected gaiety.</p> + +<p>Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a +burly waiter appeared.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just +what you like; I leave it to you, sir."</p> + +<p>"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?"</p> + +<p>"Good."</p> + +<p>"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?"</p> + +<p>"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C.</p> + +<p>"And a—Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side +dishes you have," says the Sheriff.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order.</p> + +<p>"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent.</p> + +<p>"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you +take Sherry, Buck?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I'll go Sherry."</p> + +<p>The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the +time the dinner was spread.</p> + +<p>"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says +the Diddler.</p> + +<p>"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?"</p> + +<p>A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies +sat back and really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the +sumptuously kept restaurant; they then drank and smoked, +until sated nature cried enough, and the Sheriff began to +think of business.</p> + +<p>"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!"</p> + +<p>"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed +to the office."</p> + +<p>"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English +ale," says the Hon. Mr. Buck.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> + +<p>"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings +the ale," said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment," +to speak to the landlord.</p> + +<p>"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman +with whom I've dined in 15?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't," says the landlord.</p> + +<p>"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no <i>particular</i> acquaintance +with him; he invited me here to dine; I suppose +he intends to pay for what he ordered, but (whispering) +<i>you had better get your money before he gets out of +that room!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!" +said the burly landlord, making tracks for the room, from +which the Sheriff was now emerging, to look after his prisoner.</p> + +<p>"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a +dollar in the waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for +it." So saying, he vamosed.</p> + +<p>"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a +writ, and—"</p> + +<p>"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and +come along!" exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself <i>scarce!</i></p> + +<p>It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority," +and innocence in the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the +waiter swore roundly that the other gentleman had paid for +all he ordered, and the landlord, who could not be convinced +to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge +him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off, +he had his wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only +lost his prisoner, but lost his temper, at the trick played +upon him by the Hon. Jeremy Diddler.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="First_Coal_Fire" id="First_Coal_Fire"></a>Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire.</h2> + + +<p>It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds—mines +of anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill +river and ridges, valleys and mountains, from old Berks +county to the mountains of Shamokin, were not found out +and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before they +were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned +in forges and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we +think, yet we distinctly remember when a few canal boats only +were engaged in transporting from the few mines that were +open and worked along the Schuylkill—the comparatively +few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, <ins title="ot">not</ins> +sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but +little if any coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill +mines at all.</p> + +<p>Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed +Col. Davis, of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather +amusing account of the first successful attempt of a very +distinguished old gentleman, Gov. Mifflin, to ignite a pile +of stone coal. The date of the transaction, more's the +pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something +after this fashion.</p> + +<p>Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine +estate in Mifflin county, and in which county was discovered +from time to time, any quantity of black rock, as the +farmers commonly called the then unknown anthracite. Of +course, the old governor knew something about stone coal, +and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure, +the <ins title="governer">governor</ins> was in the habit of experimenting upon +the black rocks by subjecting them to wood fire upon his +hearths; but the hard, almost flint-like anthracite of that +region resisted, with most obdurate pertinacity, the oft-repeated +attempts of the governor to set it on fire. It +finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania +Dutch farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin +was studying out a theory to set his hills and fields on fire, +and burn out the obnoxious black rock and boulders. But, +despite the jibes and jokes of his dogmatical friends, the +old governor stuck to his experiments, and the result produced, +as most generally it does through perseverance and +practice, a new and useful fact, or principle.</p> + +<p>One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched +up in his easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory +fire, overhauling ponderous state documents, and deeply +engrossed in the affairs of the people, when his eye caught +the outline of a big black rock boulder upon the mantle-piece +before him—it was a beautiful specimen of variegated +anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from +its lacquered angles. The governor thought "a heap" of +this specimen of the black rock, but dropping all the documents +and State papers pell-mell upon the floor, he seized +the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon the +blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner +watched the operation. To his great delight the black +rock was soon red hot—he called for his servant man, a +sable son of Africa, or some down South Congo—</p> + +<p>"Isaac."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah."</p> + +<p>"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of +that black rock."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah, I'se gone."</p> + +<p>In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of +the anthracite, and handing it over to the governor, it was +placed in a favorable position alongside of the first lump, +and the governor's eyes fairly danced polkas as he witnessed +the fact of the two pieces of black rock assuming a red hot complexion.</p> + +<p>"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah."</p> + +<p>"Run out—get another lump."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah."</p> + +<p>A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the +governor's private parlor was augmented by the appearance +of the governor's lady and other portions of the family, who, +seeing Isaac lugging in the rocks, came to the conclusion +that the governor was going "clean crazy" over his experiments. +It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters +tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate," +over the roaring fire.</p> + +<p>"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy, +igniting anthracite? Go way; close the doors; I've got the +rocks on fire—I'll make them laugh t'other side of their +mouths, at my black rock fires!"</p> + +<p>In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring +and exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage +drove up, and two gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate +audience with Gov. Mifflin; but so deeply engaged +was the governor, that he refused the strangers an audience, +and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they +must "come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on +more black rocks, brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers.</p> + +<p>"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business +admits of no delay."</p> + +<p>"Can't help it, can't help you—see how it blazes, see +how it burns!" cried the abstracted or mentally and physically +absorbed governor.</p> + +<p>"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if—"</p> + +<p>"Let him be hanged—hurra! See how it burns; call in +the neighbors; let them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd +surprise them!"</p> + +<p>"But, governor, will you please delay this—"</p> + +<p>"Delay? No, not for the President of the United +States. I've been trying this experiment for eight years. +I've now succeeded—see, see how it burns! Run, Isaac, +over to Dr. ——'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr. S——'s, +tell Mr. H—— to come, come everybody—I've got the +black rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran +the governor through the storm, down to the village, like a +madman, leaving the strangers and part of his household as +spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as the governor +cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and +the pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double +quick time, hailed him.</p> + +<p>"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on—<i>yeou the guv'ner</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate.</p> + +<p>"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the +pedler, dismounting from his wagon, and making his appearance +at the front door, where he encountered the two +rather astonished strangers—legal gentlemen of some eminence, +from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution.</p> + +<p>"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler.</p> + +<p>"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the +governor you spoke to as you drove up."</p> + +<p>"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about +som'-thin'. What on airth ails the ole feller?"</p> + +<p>"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again."</p> + +<p>"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves," +cried the excited Governor of the great Key Stone State; +"there's a roaring fire of burning, blazing, black rock, +anthracite coal!"</p> + +<p>But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim, +and the coal being thrown down upon the ashes and +stone hearth,—<i>was all out!</i></p> + +<p>"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the +crowd into the house, "I guess I know what yeou be at, +guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou naow, yeou can't begin to keep +that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less yeou fix it up in a grate, +like, gin it air, and an almighty draught; yeou see, guv'ner, +I've been making experiments a darn'd long while +with it!"</p> + +<p>The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler +went into a practical theory on burning stone coal; the +<i>respite</i> was signed—hospitalities of the mansion extended +to all present, and in course of a few days, our Yankee and +the governor rigged up a grate, and soon settled the question—will +our black rocks burn?</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Sure_Cure" id="Sure_Cure"></a>Sure Cure.</h2> + + +<p>Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense +worldly effects. When Cutaway went to California, +"I carried," said he, "a pile of despondency, and more baggage, +boots, and boxes, than would fit out a caravan. +After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started +homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond +anticipation, that I could hardly keep in my old boots! +And all the <i>dunnage</i> I had left, wouldn't fill a +pocket-<ins title="handerchief">handkerchief</ins>, +or sell to a paper-maker for four cents!"</p> + +<p>Cutaway recommends seeing the <i>worldy</i> elephant, high, +for settling one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="a_Fugitive_Subscriber" id="a_Fugitive_Subscriber"></a>Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber.</h2> + + +<p>Printers, from time immemorial—back possibly to +the days of Faust—have suffered martyrdom, more or +less, at the hands of the people who didn't pay! Many of +the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black +list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid <i>cash account</i> +bulky enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in +this way intensely. About one half of the "subscribers" +to the <i>Clarion of Freedom</i>, or the <i>Universal Democrat</i>, or +the <i>Whig Shot Tower</i>, seem to labor under the Utopian +notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription +lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own +peculiar amusement, and carried them or sent them to the +doors of the public for mere pastime! Every publisher, of +about every paper we ever examined, about this time of year, +has told his own story—requested his subscribers to come +forward—pay over—help to keep the mill going—creditors +easy—fire in the stove—meal in the barrel—children in +bread, butter and shoes—Sheriff at bay, and other tragical +affairs connected with the operations attendant upon unsettled +cash accounts! But, how many heed such "notices?" +Paying subscribers do not read them—such applications do +not apply to them—<i>they</i> regret to see them in the paper, +and, like honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or +meddle with other people's shortcomings. The delinquent +subscriber don't read such <i>calls</i> upon his humanity—they +are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the +<i>notice</i> to pay up, and chuckles to himself—"Ah, umph! +dun away, old feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends +money by mail; it might be lost, and the man that duns <i>me</i> +for two or three dollars' worth of newspapers, <i>may get it if +he knows how</i>."</p> + +<p>Well, the good time has <i>come</i>. Printers now may wait +no longer; the jig's up—they have found out a <i>way</i> to get +their money just as easy as other laborers in the fields of +science, art, mechanism, law, physic and religion, get theirs. +Let the printer cry <i>Eureka</i>.</p> + +<p>Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine +arts, best tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper +press, was a tooth operator of some skill and great pretension. +He lived and moved in modern style, and though no +man could be more desirous of indulging in "short credit," +no man believed or acted more readily upon the principle—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">——"base is the slave that <i>pays</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the +<i>well done</i> community of Boston and the environs, for +fields more congenial to his peculiar talents. He <i>stuck</i> the +printer, of course. His numerous subscription accounts +to the various local news and literary journals, in the +aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers +didn't begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to +head off a Yankee, and about this time a live, double-grand-action +Yankee, named Peabody, possibly, happened in at +one of the offices, where two brother publishers were "making +a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially +were they wrought up against and giving jessy to +Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith!</p> + +<p>"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody.</p> + +<p>"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give +me the full particulars of the man, his manners and customs, +name and size, and sell me your accounts, at a low notch, +I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em, too, if the feller's alive, out of +jail, and any where around between sunrise and sunset!"</p> + +<p>The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding +that Peabody was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts, +&c., and for a five dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put +in possession of an account of some twenty odd dollars and +cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith.</p> + +<p>Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction, +established a peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic +battery, or endless chain of them, extending all over the +country, for collecting bad debts, and <i>shocking</i> fugitives, +or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of faculties, +causes and effects—shrewdness and forethought peculiar to +a man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones—Peabody +couldn't be <i>dodged</i>. If he ever got his <i>feelers</i> on +to a subject, the <i>equivalent</i> was bound to be turning up! +It struck him that the collection of newspaper bills afforded +him a great field for working his Telegraph, and he hasn't +been mistaken.</p> + +<p>The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant +month of June, as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton +St. Clair Smith was to be seen before his toilet glass in +the flourishing city of Syracuse,—giving the finishing stroke +to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with which +he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his +mind and the <i>confidence</i> with which he rested, in regard to +his newspaper 'bills in Boston. But a <i>tap</i> is heard at his +door, and at his invitation the servant comes in, announces +a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of speaking to Dr. Smith. +The Doctor waits upon the visitor—</p> + +<p>"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?"</p> + +<p>"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual.</p> + +<p>"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the +firm of Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have +a small (!) bill against you, sir, to collect."</p> + +<p>"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor.</p> + +<p>"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!"</p> + +<p>"I a—I a, you a—well, you call in this evening," says +the Doctor, tremulously fumbling in his pockets—"I'll +settle with you; good morning."</p> + +<p>"Good morning, sir," says the collector,—"I'll call."</p> + +<p>That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed! +He had barely got located in Syracuse, before they had +traced him; if he paid the printer, a cloud of other debts +would follow, and so he up stakes and made a fresh <i>dive!</i></p> + +<p>"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself +and baggage down in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now +I'll be out of the range of the duns; they won't get sight +or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a hat!"</p> + +<p>But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very +suspicious, hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as +the deputed collector of certain newspaper accounts, forwarded +from Boston, by Peabody, Grab, Catchem, & Co. +The Dr. uttered a very severe <i>anathema</i>; he looked quite +streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call +in course of the day, and the bill would be attended to. +The collector hoped it would be attended to, and left; so +did Dr. P. St. C. Smith <i>in the next mail line</i>.</p> + +<p>About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St. +C. Smith was seen strutting around in Charters st., New +Orleans, confident in his security, smiling in the brightness +of the scenes around him; he had just negotiated for an +office, had already concocted his advertisements, and subscribed +for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from +Boston appeared to him, in the hand of an <i>agent</i> of Peabody, +Grab, Catchem & Co. The Dr. was almost tempted +to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the <i>agent</i> had a hat full +of others—from the same place—for larger amounts! +The next day the Doctor <i>put</i> for Texas! planting himself +in the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the +bottom of his heart—he determined to keep clear of them, +even if he had to bury himself away out here in Texas. +But what was his horror to find, the first week of his hanging +up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of Peabody, Grab, +Catchem & Co., <i>was there!</i> The Doctor <i>stepped</i> to Galveston; +on the way he accidentally <i>met</i> a travelling agent of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co. The Doctor took the +<i>Sabine</i> slide for Tampico; there he found the "black vomit." +He up and off again, for Mobile; his nervous system was +much worked up and his pocket-book sadly depleted! +There were two alternatives—change his name, size and +profession, and live in a swamp; <i>or settle with the firm of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co</i>. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair +Smith chose the latter; he sought and soon found in Mobile, +a veritable <i>agent</i>, duly authorized to receive and forward +funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., and hunt up and +down—fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up—felt +better, and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers +are no longer to be the printers' ghosts.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Ambition" id="Ambition"></a>Ambition.</h2> + + +<p>A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when +walking through a grave-yard.—To see men who have filled +the world with their glory for half a century or more, reduced +to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a shock which requires +a long stay in a city to counteract.—The gentlemen +who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less +than a century, have their bones carted away to make room +for a street sewer. Queer creature that man—well, he is.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Fixed_the_Tale-Bearer" id="Fixed_the_Tale-Bearer"></a>Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer.</h2> + + +<p>"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I +expected it long ago. I told Jones it'd come out so."</p> + +<p>"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's +wife has run off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood +for a year past, that Miller's wife and that feller—Bob +Tape, were a leetle too thick?"</p> + +<p>"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't +recollect anybody saying anything about it, but you, and +for my part, I don't believe a word of it."</p> + +<p>"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh.</p> + +<p>"I don't know—is she?" says Brown.</p> + +<p>"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning, +the fust thing, to see if Bob Tape was about—he wasn't +there—they said he'd gone to Boston on business for old +Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started for Heeltap's +shop; we had allers said how things would turn out. +He was out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin', +and says he:</p> + +<p>"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!—I've been over +to old Mammy Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to +Miller's, on purtence of borrowin' some lard, but told Suke +to look around and see ef Miller's wife wur about; by +Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles +couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the +children whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered +her to scoot, so Suke left without hearing the facts +in the case, as 'Squire Black says.'</p> + +<p>"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob +Tape have <i>sloped</i>, as they say in the papers."</p> + +<p>"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true—I don't believe +a word of it tho', and as it's none of my business, I +shall have nothing to say about it."</p> + +<p>Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost +every village, town and hamlet in the country is more +or less accursed with. He was a great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed, +grinning <i>genius</i>, who, being in possession of a small +farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it, did not do +anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of +<i>scan, mag</i>., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and +a stronger suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions, +and, of course, never imputed a good motive or movement +to anybody.</p> + +<p>You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't +you, reader? Such people are great nuisances—half the +discomforts of life are bred by them; they contaminate and +poison the air they breathe, with their noisome breath, like +the odor of the Upas tree.</p> + +<p>Uncle Josh had annoyed many—he was the dread and +disgust of seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had +caused more quarrels, smutted more characters, and created +more ill-feeling between friends, neighbors and acquaintances, +than all else beside in the community of Frogtown. +Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a +sneaking, meddling old granny by the women. So, at last, +the young women of the town did agree, that the very next +time Uncle Josh carried, concocted, or circulated any slanderous +or otherwise mischievous stories, <i>they would duck +him in the mill-race</i>.</p> + +<p>Now, Brown—old Mister Brown—was the very antipode +of Uncle Josh; he was for always taking matters and +things by the smoothest handle. Mister Brown never told +tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a +good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown +had a good word to say about everybody. The gals thought +it prudent to give old Mister Brown an inkling of their +plans in regard to the disposition they intended to make of +Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go +ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him.</p> + +<p>"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has +just this very day been at his dirty work; by this time he +has spread the news all over the town, that Miller's wife +has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't believe a word +of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off, Uncle +Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race."</p> + +<p>Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been +down to her sister's, a few miles off, to see a sick child; her +husband had been away at a law-suit, in a neighboring +town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing of the report +of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return.</p> + +<p>Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of +the report. Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a +suspicion should arise of her; she had been making Bob +Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in, and here was +the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was +a great time about it—Miller swore like a trooper, and his +wife nearly cried her eyes out.</p> + +<p>A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in +October, Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see +Miller's wife, and asked her to join them in a little party +that some of the neighboring women had got up that evening, +for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not having +much to do that evening, her husband said she might go +out a spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the +purport of the call—old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in +the mill-race! and Miller's wife, disguised as the rest, was +to help do it. When she heard that old Josh had +circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not +require much coaxing to join the watering committee.</p> + +<p>It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve +in number, were to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for +Uncle Josh at his lane gate, about a quarter of a mile from +the mill-race. Old Josh always hung around the tavern, +Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M., before +he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out +of a small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate, +and throwing a large, stout sheet over him, wind him up, +and then seizing him head, neck and heels, hurry him off to +the mill-race, and duck him well.</p> + +<p>Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint +and powder, corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your +delicate, more ornamental than useful young ladies of the +city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were real flesh and +blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance; +and it would have taken several better men than Uncle +Josh to have got away from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny +night, but to better favor the women, just as old +Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured the +moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal +cellar. Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob +Tape's old clothes he had left at her house to be repaired, +she gave the word, and out they rushed.</p> + +<p>"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper. +Over went the sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before +he could say "lor' a massy," he was dragged to the +mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his coat taken off, +and he was <i>ca-soused</i> into the cold water! Fury! how the +old fellow begged for his life!</p> + +<p>"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I—a, I—" <i>ca-souse</i> +he went again.</p> + +<p>"Give him another duck," says one—and in he'd go again.</p> + +<p>"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another.</p> + +<p>"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape—ca-souse +he went.</p> + +<p>"O, lor' a mas—mas—e, do—do—don't drown me, Bob; +I'll—I'll promise never to—" in they put him again; the +water was as cold as ice.</p> + +<p>"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?"</p> + +<p>"I d—d—d—<i>do</i> promise, if—yo—yo—yo—you—don't—duc—" +and in he went again.</p> + +<p>"Do you promise to mind your own business and let +others alone, Uncle Josh?"</p> + +<p>"Ye—ye—yes, I d—<i>do</i>, I—I—I'll promise anything—bo—boys, +only let me go," says Uncle Josh.</p> + +<p>"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter +she was, too, "I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied +about my gal, Polly Higgins, and—"</p> + +<p>"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?—Well—we—well, +I said nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it, +'deed it was."</p> + +<p>Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap +his gruel next night, and the moment Josh got clear of +his sousers, he cut for home. Next day Heeltap cleared +himself.—Uncle Josh soon found out that he had been +ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved +to Iowa, and Frogtown has been a happy place ever since.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="your_own_Wife" id="your_own_Wife"></a>Penalty of Kissing your own Wife.</h2> + + +<p>Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate +Manilius, whom the general opinion had marked out +for counsellor, because he had given his wife a kiss in the +day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this reminds +us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants" +of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this +harbor. Before the Revolutionary war, one of the King's +ships was stationed here, and occasionally cruised down to +the south'ard. It so chanced that after a long absence the +cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the naval +captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard +of his arrival she hastened down to the water side in order +to receive him. The worthy old sea captain, on landing, +embraced his lady with tenderness and true affection. +This, as there were many spectators by, gave great offence +to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act +of indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath. +The next day, therefore, the captain was summoned before +the magistrates and selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes +and pious exhortations, ordered him to be publicly whipped!</p> + +<p>The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as +much as possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency +of it, was not attended with any degree of disgrace, +he mixed as usual with the best of company, and even with +the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than familiar as ever.</p> + +<p>At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and +the captain, therefore, with seeming concern to take leave +of his worthy friends, and that they might spend a more +happy and convivial day together before their final separation, +invited the principal magistrates and selectmen to +dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship. +They readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be +more glorious than the entertainment that was given.</p> + +<p>At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part +them—the anchor was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing +was wanted but the signal to get under way. The +captain, after taking an affectionate and formal leave of +his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck +where the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them. +He here thanked them afresh for the civilities they had +shown him, of which the captain assured them he should +bear a kind remembrance.</p> + +<p>"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen, +remains to be adjusted between us, and as it is in my +power to settle it, I shall be most happy to do so. You +infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for evincing a +due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate +the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll +give you a lesson that will last your lifetime. Boatswain, +strip each of these rogues to the waist, lash them fast and +put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty stripes each!"</p> + +<p>The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the +whole crew, went to the work with a hearty good will, and +after giving the magistrates and selectmen a fine dressing +all around, he cut them loose, put them in their boat, and +the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared in +the dim dist cut ocean.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Miseries_of_Housekeeping" id="Miseries_of_Housekeeping"></a>Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping.</h2> + + +<p>People of experience tell awful stories about the +miseries of boarding, and boarding-houses, and it is +very clearly palpable to us that keepers of boarding-houses +could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if not +double that of the luckless creatures who board. That +housekeeping has its joys it would be vain to deny, but +we need no ghost come from the grave to inform us that +the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous and as harrowing, +as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house +or hire a "Betty."</p> + +<p>When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed +against hotels, and abominated boarding-houses; quitting +both species of human habitations, he "up" and rented a +house, and to hear his glowing description of the house—such +a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too +broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors, +and no houses in the rear from which the prying eye +of the curious and idle could spy into back kitchen closets +or dinner pots—in brief, Perriwinkle went on with that +strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to new beginners in +the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a general +detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he +and Mrs. P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their +lives, we merely observed—</p> + +<p>"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side +of your vision yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man +said of the sausages—hope for the best, but be prepared +for the worst."</p> + +<p>"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing +but a good time. Haven't I married one of the best women +in the world? I'm too experienced in life, my boy, to call +any female women angels, doves, or sugar plums, you know, +but my wife is a real woman!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we.</p> + +<p>"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up +for a wet day—don't care twopence ha'penny for politics, +or soldier fol-de-rols—who wins or who loses in such hums?"</p> + +<p>"Granted, old fellow."</p> + +<p>"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged, +furnished and provisioned for a twelvemonth."</p> + +<p>"No doubt of all that."</p> + +<p>"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and +of the right stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance."</p> + +<p>"I hope, Peter, you have."</p> + +<p>"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to +upset or disturb the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come, +answer that."</p> + +<p>"Does your domestic apparatus work well?"</p> + +<p>"I haven't tried it yet."</p> + +<p>"Are your appurtenances—your household appointments—from +kitchen to parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all +they are cracked up to be?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet."</p> + +<p>"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking +stove do things up brown? Have you got your Bettys?"</p> + +<p>"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack; +but I'll find out, soon, and let you know."</p> + +<p>"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account +of how things are working after the first quarter's experience."</p> + +<p>Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended, +and every thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and +happy as any thing human under God's providence and the +art and judgment of man could promise. At midnight the +company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love, +and lots of the small fry.</p> + +<p>Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar +friend, Peter Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for +some time, we met with greetings most cordial.</p> + +<p>"How is every thing, old boy—paradise regained?"</p> + +<p>"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head, +"dear Jack,—we've a great deal to learn in this world, +and as our old friend Sam Veller says, whether its worth +while to pay so much to learn so little, at cost—is a question."</p> + +<p>"You begin to think so, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected—I've moved!"</p> + +<p>"What? Not so soon?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!"</p> + +<p>"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?"</p> + +<p>"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full +of rats, bugs, and foul air."</p> + +<p>"You don't say so?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys +smoked, paper peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics, +a turner worked all night, next door, the fellow that +had previously lived or stayed in the house, ran off, leaving +all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was incessantly kept +ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of +the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather. +I lived there in purgatory!"</p> + +<p>"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Moved—and such an infernal job as it was. You know +the two vases I received as a present from my brother, at +Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken $100 each, for them—"</p> + +<p>"They are worth it; more too."</p> + +<p>"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into +a half bushel of flinders, and I hit the centre table upon +which the other stood, with a chair, and broke it into forty +pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir. My wife packed +up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister, in a +large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while +our Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy +trunk, the girl lost her balance and fell bump into the basket. +She weighed over two hundred pounds—every article +of the china was crushed into powder!"</p> + +<p>"This was too bad," said we, condolingly.</p> + +<p>"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had +them put down fast and tight, never supposing they'd come +up until thread-bare and out of fashion; they were stained +and daubed. The veneering of the piano and other furniture +is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are +mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a +fire; one move convinces me that the old man was right. +But, my dear fellow, I won't bore you with my miseries. +We are now moved, and look comfortable again. Call and +see us, do. Good bye."</p> + +<p>About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening +we went up town to see him and his lady. Mrs. P., +before marriage, was an uncommon even-tempered and +most amiable woman. She had now been married about six +months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P. +laboring under much "excitement," and poor Peter—he +was doing his best to pacify and soothe her—</p> + +<p>"Halloo! what's the trouble?"—we were familiar enough +to ask the question—as they were alone, without intruding.</p> + +<p>"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and +the cook have had a misunderstanding. A little muss, +that's all."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you +don't know how one's temper and good nature are put out, +sir, by housekeeping; by the impudence, awkwardness, and +wasteful habits of servants, sir."</p> + +<p>"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied.</p> + +<p>"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering, +directing, and watching these women and girls—had +my feelings so outraged by them, time and again, since we +began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all manner of +patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to +change our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit +to the awkwardness that cost us sets of china, dozens of +glasses, stained carpets, soiled paints, smeared walls, rugs +upon the top of the piano, and the piano cloths put down +for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and puddings +boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found +the dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes, +she wiping the lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook +washing out her stockings in the dinner pot—I gave way +to my angry passions, and cried with vexation!"</p> + +<p>And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s +pilgrim stock, couldn't stand that, nohow.</p> + +<p>P. S.—Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms +at the Tremont House, in order to preserve their morals +and money.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="of_a_Dandy" id="of_a_Dandy"></a>Miseries of a Dandy.</h2> + + +<p>That <ins title="poverity">poverty</ins> is at times very unhandy—yea, humiliating, +we can bear witness; but that any persons +should make their poverty an everlasting subject of shame +and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible nonsense +we know of. During our junior days, while officiating +as "shop boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we +used to derive some fun from the manœuvres of a dandy-jack +of a fellow in the same establishment. He was of the bullet-headed, +pimpled and stubby-haired <i>genus</i>, but dressed +up to the <i>nines</i>; and had as much pride as two half-Spanish +counts or a peacock in a barnyard.</p> + +<p>Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory, +etc., up stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M., +arrayed in the costume of <i>the latest style</i>, as he flaunted +down Chestnut Street—by the way, it was a long, idle +tramp, out of his road to do so,—his hair all frizzled up, +hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff +he could hardly expectorate over his <i>goatee</i>, while his +"stunnin'" scarf and dashing pin stuck out to the admiration +of Charley's extensive eyes, and the astonishment of half +the clerks and all the shop boys along the line of our Beau +Brummell's promenade!</p> + +<p>It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed +with the idea, that he was the envy of half the men, +and the <i>beau</i> ideal of all the women he met! But your +real dandy is no particular lover of women; he very naturally +so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond affection +upon his own person. So it was with our <i>beau</i>—he +wouldn't have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent +leathers," or disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an +inch, to save a lady from a mad bull, or being run down +by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would walk with +them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or +ball room, provided always—they were dressed all but to +within half an inch of their lives! The man who introduced +a new and <i>stunnin</i>' hat, scarf, or coat, Charley would swear +friendship to, on sight! A shabby, genteel person was his +abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying! He +lived, moved, breathed—ideally, his ideality based, of course, +upon ridiculous superfluities of life—leather and prunella, +entirely. Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a +villanously-dressed person, while a bright, shining morn—giving +him amplitude to make a "grand dash," won from +him the same encomiums to the producer that he would +bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres—commendable +works of an artist! The <i>genus</i> dandy, +whether of savage or civilized life, is a felicitous subject for +peculiar, speculative, comparative analogy or <i>analysis</i>; we +shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come to the substance.</p> + +<p>After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip +off his "top hamper," placing his finery in a closet with +the care and diligence of a maiden of thirty, and upwards. +Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls and coat, he condescended +to go to work. Now, in the said establishment, +our <i>beau</i> had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were +"down" upon him; the men, because of his dandyism; the +females hated him, because Charley stuck his long nose <i>up</i> +at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more notice them in the +streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or decayed +esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally, +though it was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent, +because his pride made it imperiously necessary that some +of the "little breeches" should do small chores, errands, +bringing water from the street, carrying down to <i>the shop</i> +goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself. +But men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising +jokes and tricks upon the <i>beau</i>. The boys would all +rush off to dinner—first having so dirtied the water, hid +the towels and soap, that poor Charley would necessarily +be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up +a bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face +and hands. And mark the difficulties and <i>diplomacy</i> of +such an arrangement. Charley would slip down into the +lower entry, peep out to see if any body was looking,—if a +genteel person was visible, the <i>beau</i> held back with his +bucket; after various <ins title="reconnoissances">reconnaissances</ins>, the coast would +appear clear, and the <i>beau</i> would dash out to the pump, +agitate "the iron-tailed cow" with the force and speed of +an infantile earthquake—snatch up the bucket, and with +one <i>dart</i> hit the doorway, and glide up stairs, thanking his +stars that nobody "seen him do it!"</p> + +<p>In one of these <i>forays</i> for water, the <i>beau</i> was decidedly +cornered by two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures, +observed poor Charley from an upper "landing" of the +stairway, in the entry below, watching his chance to get a +clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the beau +darted out, down rush the girls—slam to the door and +bar it!</p> + +<p>The <i>beau</i>, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions, +gives the pump an awful <i>surge</i>, fills the bucket, looks down +the street, and—O! murder, there come two ladies—the +first <i>cuts</i> of the city, to whom Charley had once the honor +of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his +shoulder at the <i>ladies</i>—his nether limbs desperately nerved +for <i>tall walking</i>,—he dashes at the supposed open entryway, +and—nearly knocked the panel out of the door, smashing +the bucket, spilling the water, and slightly killing himself!</p> + +<p>It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking +advantage of the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred +the door and vanished, before poor Charley picked himself +up and scrambled into the lower store to recuperate.</p> + +<p>Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the +wiles of his persecutors, when one morning he was forced +to come down into the store in his working gear, well be-spattered +with oleaginous substances, dust and dirt; in this +gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a looking +Christian, as might not often—before California life +was dreamed of—be seen in a city. We <i>did</i> quite an extensive +retail trade—the store was rarely free from <i>ton</i>-ish +citizens, mostly "fine ladies," in quest of fine perfumes, +soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and decorate their own beautiful +selves. But, before venturing in, our <i>beau</i> had an eye +about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered; +things looked safe, and in comes the beau.</p> + +<p>We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was +wont to regale us with many of his long stories about the +company he <i>faced</i> into, the "conquests" he made, and the +times he had with this and that, in high life. Fanny Kemble +was about that time—belle of the season! <i>Lioness</i> of the +day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful +<i>furore</i>—generally! Alas! how soon such things—cave in!</p> + +<p>Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles +he had brought down, and began one of his usual harangues:</p> + +<p>"Theatre, last night, Jack?"</p> + +<p>"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we.</p> + +<p>"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion +beauty and wealthy people of this city! Such a house! +Crowded from pit to dome, met a hundred and fifty of my +friends—ladies of the first families in town, with all the +'high boys' of my acquaintance!"</p> + +<p>"And how did Fanny <i>do</i> Juliet?" we asked.</p> + +<p>"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with +the two Misses W. (Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel +S. and Sam. G., and his sister (all <i>nobs</i> of course!), and +they were truly entranced with Miss Kemble's Juliet! I +threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,—Fanny kissed her +fingers to me, and with a <i>look</i> at me, as I stood up so—(the beau +gave a tall <i>rear up</i> and was about to spread himself, +when glancing at the door, he sees—two ladies! right +in the store!) <i>thunder!</i>" he exclaims.</p> + +<p>If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he +would not have <i>dropped</i> sooner than he did, behind the counter.</p> + +<p>The ladies proved to be <i>nobody</i> else than those of the +very two Misses W. themselves; they lived close by, and +frequently came to the store. Beneath our counter were +endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils, rancid perfumes, +dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about everything else +dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place afforded +a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's, +but there he was, much in our <i>way</i> too, with the mournful +fact, for Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less +than half an hour, without overhauling about every article +in the store, it would be a white stone indeed in the fortunes +of the beau! The ladies sat; they dickered and examined—we +exhibited and put away, the beau lying crouched +and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to +burst at the <i>contretemps</i> of the poor victim. Charley +stood it with the most heroic resignation for full twenty +minutes, when the two Misses W. got up to go. Casting +their eyes towards the door, who should be about to pass +but the divine Fanny!</p> + +<p>Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition +and acquaintance was worth cultivating—even +by the haughty queen of the drama and belle of the hour; +she rushed in, they all had a talk—and you know how +women can talk, will <i>talk</i> for an hour or two, all about nothing +in particular, except to <i>talk</i>. Imagine our beau,—"Phancy +his phelinks," as <i>Yellow Plush</i> says, and to +heighten the effect, in comes the boss! He comes behind +the counter—he sees poor Charley sprawling—he roars out:</p> + +<p>"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? <i>dead</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Dead?" utters Fanny.</p> + +<p>"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.!</p> + +<p>With one desperate <i>splurge</i>, up jumps the beau; rushes +out, up stairs—gets on his clothes, and we did not see him +again for over two years!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Juvenile_Joe_Miller" id="Juvenile_Joe_Miller"></a>A Juvenile Joe Miller.</h2> + + +<p>We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, +on Hanover street, that wasn't so coarse for an urchin +hardly out of his swaddling clouts. He was a cunning-looking +little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe +shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice—</p> + +<p>"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r—"</p> + +<p>"Eh?—what?" says the shop-keeper.</p> + +<p>"Somebody's got your boots out here!"</p> + +<p>Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away +with a bunch of his <i>wares</i> at the door, Lapstone rushes out +and cries—</p> + +<p>"Where?"</p> + +<p>"There," says the shaver; "they're there—somebody's +got 'em—hung up 'long your window there."</p> + +<p>Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a +flip, but he scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most +provoking strain.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Selling_a_Landlord" id="Selling_a_Landlord"></a>"Selling" a Landlord.</h2> + + +<p>During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, +while the Whigs were dovetailing in Old Zack, +an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston friend of mine, +thought a little <i>side play</i> wouldn't be out of the way, so to +work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he +managed it, nice as wax.</p> + +<p>Among the Boston delegates—self-constituted, <i>a la</i> Gen. +Commander—was a certain gentleman, remarkable for his +probity, decorum, and extreme sensitiveness. Well, A., +the <i>wag</i>, and B., the <i>victim</i>, landed together, but selected, +in the general overflow and hurly-burly, different lodgings. +Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in ——'s Hotel, +fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing +about <i>as</i> well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent +luck, and the quarters he had lit upon were any thing +but comfortable, the inmates of the Hotel being stowed +away in <i>tiers</i>, like herrings in a box. A. thought he'd <i>oust</i> +his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his joke, +if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety.</p> + +<p>With the <i>address</i>, and <i>partly the</i> dress—a white hat—of +a man of the <i>mace</i>, A. steps up to the bar of ——'s Hotel, +and after carefully scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph +of the victim, then smiles suspiciously, enough to +say to the observant bar-keeper—</p> + +<p>"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward +towards that person, says A.—</p> + +<p>"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?"</p> + +<p>"I b'leave he is, sur,—I know he is, sur," says the Milesian, +overlooking the register himself.</p> + +<p>"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain.</p> + +<p>"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer.</p> + +<p>"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A.</p> + +<p>"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply.</p> + +<p>"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly +exclaims A., while the bar-keeper and landlord, who had +now come forward, eagerly wanted to know if any thing +was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being discussed.</p> + +<p>"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't +want any disturbance made, at such a time; it might do +your fine establishment more harm than good; <i>but</i>, there is +a person stopping in your house that I have followed from +Boston; I have kept my eye on his movements(!); I know +his designs, his practices, <i>well</i>; I'm on his track—he +dodged me last night, but I've found him—"</p> + +<p>"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing +the register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of +the kind, sir?" earnestly inquired the proprietor.</p> + +<p>"You keep <i>mum</i>, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel +of the landlord's coat—"I've got him <i>safe!</i> Let +him rest for awhile—I've got him! Do you understand?" +says the wag, winking a knowing, significant <i>wink</i> at the landlord.</p> + +<p>"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies +the landlord. "If there is a dangerous or disreputable +person in my house, sir, I would thank you to tell me, +sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs won't bite him, sir!"</p> + +<p>"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says +A., in a low tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have +followed here, has made a heavy <i>draw</i> on one of our Boston +banks, by means of certain checks and certificates, and—"</p> + +<p>"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning +to see his guest in a more <i>dignified</i> light, that of a +splendid thief; so his rigid frown, called in play by the +supposition that a petty rascal was on his premises, subsided +into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with—</p> + +<p>"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too +<i>far</i> before we're sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth +attending to; I'm not sure he's <i>got</i> the abstracted money +about him; but when he settles with you, just notice the +size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer +handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially +on the Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I +come," said A.</p> + +<p>"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord.</p> + +<p>"At the ——, Chestnut street," A. replies.</p> + +<p>"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a +reward out, sir, for this person?" says the landlord.</p> + +<p>"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. <i>Policy</i>, you see; +he left in such a hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in +this crowd here in your city. If he has the money, we'll +make 'a spec,' you understand?"</p> + +<p>"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep +a sharp look out for him, and let you know the moment I +find him fairly out."</p> + +<p>That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of ——'s Hotel, +the landlord was <i>about</i>, all in a <i>twitter</i>, with +two policemen in the distance, and sundry especial friends +hanging about, to whom the landlord had unbosomed the +affair. All were anxiously watching the result of the business. +B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed with +"<i>documents</i>" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,—from which +institution he had <i>drawn</i> a pile of funds, to invest in coal +at Richmond,—and no sooner did B. place an X, of the +Traders' Bank, upon the bar, than the excited landlord's +eyes danced like shot on a hot shovel, and giving the +constables the <i>cue</i>, poor B. found <ins title="himsesf">himself</ins> <i>waited upon</i>, in a +brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the landlord +grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness +that completely mesmerized him.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!"</p> + +<p>"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the +grasp of the officers, and reaching over for the landlord +and his wallet—"what the thunder are you about? Come, +I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I tell +you, and hand back that wallet, Mister ——."</p> + +<p>But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation, +of course, and were about trotting him forth to +the Mayor's office, when a well known Anthracite merchant +came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed, explanation +ensued, and the result was, that after poor B. +got a little reconciled to the <i>joke</i>, he joined issue with a +laughing chorus at the expense of the <i>sold</i> landlord, who, +in consideration of all hands keeping <i>mum</i>, put the party +through a course of juleps.</p> + +<p>I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular +<i>moral</i> to this sketch.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Scientific_Labor" id="Scientific_Labor"></a>Scientific Labor.</h2> + + +<p>"Bob, what yer doing now?"</p> + +<p>"Aiding Nat'ral History."</p> + +<p>"Aiding Nat'ral History—what do yer mean by that?"</p> + +<p>"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, +I hold his tail up."</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="that_Poor_Woman" id="that_Poor_Woman"></a>Who was that Poor Woman?</h2> + + +<p>I do not know a feminine—from the piney woods of +Maine to the Neuces—so given to popularity, newspaper +philippics, and city item bombards, as Aunt Nabby +Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and doings of +Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in +Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon—from +funeral orations to political caucusses—Temperance +jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for Aunt Nabby never +allows <i>wind</i>, weather or subject, time, place or occasion, to +prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous +auditors, at times <i>snake her down</i> or crowd her old +straw bonnet, but Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite +attention of the "Reporters," and shines in their notes, +big as the biggest toad in the puddle.</p> + +<p>Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!—a perfect she-male +Mike Walsh. She will have her <i>say</i>, though a legion of +constables stood at the door; her principal <i>stand-point</i> is +the freedom of speech and woman's rights, and she goes in +tooth and nail <i>agin law</i>, Marshal Tukey, and the entire +race-root and rind of the Quincys—particularly strong! +Aunt Nabby is subject to a series, too tedious to mention, +of "sells" by the <i>quid nuncs</i> and rapscallions of the day, +and one of these "sells" is the pith of my present paper.</p> + +<p>It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every +fool within five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen +faces after the Nightingale and her carriage wherever she +went, from her bed-chamber to her dinner table, from her +drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took Barnum and +his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of +policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the +Revere, and his bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing +pell-mell up stairs and surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians.</p> + +<p>Now and then a desperate fellow got in—had an audience, +grinned, backed down and went his way, tickled as a +dog with two tails. Others were victimized by notes from +Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary," offering an +interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and +racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern +Joe Miller. But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about +as rich as the raciest, and will bear rehearsing—easy.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed, +elderly lady, to the two scant yards of starch and +dickey behind Stephens' slab of marble at the Revere.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, ma'am," responded the <i>clark</i>, who, not +knowing exactly who the lady was, <i>jerked</i> down his well-oiled +and brushed "wig and whiskers" to the entire satisfaction +of the matronly lady, who went on to say—</p> + +<p>"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir."</p> + +<p>"Guess she's engaged, ma'am."</p> + +<p>"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to +call at 9 A. M. to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time +is quite precious; I called precisely as desired; Miss Lind +appointed the time; and——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the <i>clark</i>, with +a flourish, "if Miss Lind has invited you——"</p> + +<p>"Why, of course she has! Here's her—"</p> + +<p>"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume."</p> + +<p>The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang +of white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly +lady was marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of +the Nightingale.</p> + +<p>Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding" +on the right wing and left breast of a lark, the leg of a +canary, "a dozen fried" humming bird eggs—her customary +fodder of a morning.</p> + +<p>The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly +lady was admitted—the Nightingale, without disturbing the +ample folds of her camel's hair dressing-gown—a present +from the Sultan of all the Turkies, cost $3,000—motioned +the matron to squat, and as soon as she got her throat in +talking order, said—</p> + +<p>"Goot mornins."</p> + +<p>"How do you do?" responds the old lady.</p> + +<p>"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!"</p> + +<p>"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago."</p> + +<p>"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?—Well, it is goot +for ze hels, eh?"</p> + +<p>"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I +like to get up and be stirring around."</p> + +<p>"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?"</p> + +<p>"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around. +I-stir-the-monsters +(Miss Lind looks sharp) +who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-<i>of-woman!</i> +(The matron 'up' +and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine—Miss Lind +drops her eating tools—eyes of the two servants bulge out!) +A-n-d I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall +(down with the brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech +(rush upon the brakes!), a-a-n-d-put-me-down!"</p> + +<p>It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was +getting spoiled—she looked suspicious, and, just in time to +prevent the female orator—who was no other personage, +of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom, from ripping into a +regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a knock +upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress +and appear to a fresh lot of bores—yclept the Mayor and +his suit of Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders.</p> + +<p>"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you +will please come again; once more, adieu—good mornins—adieu!"</p> + +<p>And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found +herself bowed—half way down stairs—into the hall, and +clean out doors, before she caught her breath to say another +word upon the interminable subject of the freedom of +speech and woman's rights!</p> + +<p>But Aunt Nabby "blowed"—O! didn't she <i>blow</i> to +the various tea and toast coteries, scandal and slang express +women—and the various knots of anxious crowds who +stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania! +Aunt Nabby had had a genuine <i>tete-a-tete</i> with the Nightingale—and, +ecod, an invitation to call again! But +Jenny Lind, and her cordon of sentinels, secretaries and +suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl, when again +and again she beset the <i>clark</i> and the stairways of the Revere. +Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully, +she finally caved in and kept away.</p> + +<p>When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to +charitable purposes, among the items set down in the list +was—"A poor woman—<i>one hundred dollars!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Why, it's you, of course," said a <i>quid-nunc</i>, to Aunt +Abby, as she held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in +the store of Redding & Co., and observed the interesting +item above alluded to.</p> + +<p>"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a +poor woman, and a var-tuous woman, and a good and <i>true +woman</i> (down came her brakes on the book piles), I'd like +to know where—<i>where</i>, on this univarsal <i>yearth</i> (down +with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to +a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must +be the person—yes, Abigail, <i>thou art the man!</i>" she concluded +in her favorite apothegm.</p> + +<p>The <i>quid</i> gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who +was to disburse the Lind charities, and away went Abby +to the Agent, who happened to be an amateur joker; knowing +Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the old 'un +that Mr. Somerby, of No. — Cornhill, the joker of the +Post, was the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at +nine o'clock. At that hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his +sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured Abby that there +was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of +Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt +Nabby, that he had declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but +that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee Blade, had the pile, and +was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris declared +that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only, +poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be <i>the</i> poor woman +set forth in Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't +to be <i>done!</i> She besieged Miss Lind—followed her to the +cars—mounted the platform—Jenny espied her, and to +avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's +rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the +Nightingale heard from the screech owl, was—</p> + +<p>"Miss Jane Lind—who was that poor wom-a-n?"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Infirmities_of_Nature" id="Infirmities_of_Nature"></a>Infirmities of Nature.</h2> + + +<p>Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man +who became so elated because he was elected first sergeant +in the militia, that he went home and put a silver plate on +his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of people, +makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first +time he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the +post-office, that he called his friends together and put them +through on woodcock.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="and_his_Mother" id="and_his_Mother"></a>Andrew Jackson and his Mother.</h2> + + +<p>It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected +with the histories of most all eminent men, that they +were denied—by the decrees of stern poverty, or an all-wise +Providence—those facilities and indulgences supposed to +be so essentially necessary for the future success and prosperous +career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to +sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very +vivid in the early history of Andrew Jackson—a name that, +like that of the great, godlike Washington, must survive the +wreck of matter, the crush of worlds, and, passing down the +vista of each successive age, brighter and more glorious, +unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have +obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to +deal most gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead.</p> + +<p>Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765, +with his wife and two boys—Hugh and Robert, both very +young; they landed at Charleston, S. C, where Jackson +found employment as a laborer, and continued to work +thus for several years, until, possessed of a few dollars, he +went to the interior of the state and bought a small place +near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr., +was born, and during the next year—by the time the infant +could lisp the name of his parent—the father fell sick of fever +and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with three small children, in +an almost wild country, where nothing but toil of a severe +and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed +in a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been +a woman of no ordinary temperament, courage, and +perseverance, for she continued cheerfully the work left her—rearing +her boys, and preparing them for the situations in +life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was a +woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the +rights and liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave +her boys their first rudiments of an English education, but +often indulged in glowing lectures to them of the importance +of instilling in their hearts and principles an unrelenting +war against pomp, power, and circumstance of monarchical +governments and institutions! She led them to know +that they were born free and equal with the best of earth, +and that that position was to be their heritage—maintained +even at the peril of life and property! and how well he +learned these chivalric lessons, the countrymen of Andrew +Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified in every +page of his whole history.</p> + +<p>Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope +and treasures; Hugh and Robert were her main dependence +in working their little farm, and Andrew, never a +very robust person, was early sent to the best schools in +the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to +have him at least educated for a profession—the ministry. +This resolve was more perhaps decided upon from the naturally +stern, contemplative, and fixed principles of young +Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by nature +well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and +in which, even those young as himself, were called upon to +take an active part. This was in the days of the revolution, +when the weak in numbers of this continent were +about to try the <i>experiment</i> of living free and independent, +and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a +humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the +point of the bayonet.</p> + +<p>The British had begun the war—already had the echoes +of "Bunker Hill," and the smell of "villainous saltpetre," +invaded and aroused the quiet dwellers in the woods and +wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric spirit that has +ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at once +responded to the tocsin of <i>liberty</i>. It was with no slight +degree of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she +saw her two sons, Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets +and join the Spartan band that assembled at Waxhaw +Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave up +her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of +the infant nation.</p> + +<p>Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden, +with a large force, took the town of Camden, and +began a desolation of the adjacent country. Being apprised +of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he immediately +dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company +of infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About +forty men, including the two boys Jackson, were attacked +by these veterans of the British army, but aided by their +true courage, a good cause, and perfect knowledge of the +country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and many +of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the +most determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the +great majority of the opposing forces, did these patriots +retreat, leaving many of their friends dead upon their soil, +and eleven of their number prisoners in the hands of the +British. It was during this fight that Andrew Jackson—a +mere lad—hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in +the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to +take his father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it +was vain that the parent restrained him, knowing the temperament +of the boy, from this dangerous determination; +for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon the brow +of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn +and bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle. +But his friends were already flying, and hotly pursued by +the enemy. Andrew met his brother Robert, who informed +him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the two +boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the +woods, where they lay until hunger drove them forth—they +sought food at a farm house, the owner of which proved to +be a <i>tory</i>, and gave information to some soldiers in the vicinity—the +Jacksons were both captured and led to prison. +In the affray—for they yielded only by force—Robert was +cut on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer, +and he died in great agony in prison. It was here and +then that the firm and manly bearing of the boy was exhibited; +for he stood his griefs and imprisonment like a true +hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his enemies might +be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his +allegiance to the cause of his country.</p> + +<p>"Here, <i>boy</i>, clean my boots!" said an officer to him. +But the bright defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with +a look, and as he curled his firm lips in scorn, he answered,</p> + +<p>"No, sir, I will <i>not!</i>"</p> + +<p>"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to +your post, and skin your back with a horse whip, if you do +not clean my boots."</p> + +<p>"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy—"for I'll not stoop +to clean the boots of your master!"</p> + +<p>The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his +head from the blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and +received a gash—the scar of which went with him to the +tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of South Carolina, +with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment +of Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a +company of the British, near Camden, and captured thirteen +of them; these prisoners he exchanged for seven of his +countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners +of the enemy. Andrew hurried home—his poor old mother +was upon her death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of +the Jackson family, and suffering not only from the great +multitude of grief consequent upon the death of her heroic +sons, but for want of the common necessaries of life, the +invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of +provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother, +as she beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside—she +grasped his hand with the firmness of a dying woman, +and turning her eyes upon the now weeping boy, said,</p> + +<p>"Andrew, I leave you,—son, you will soon be alone in +the world; be faithful, be true to God and your +country—that—when—the—hour of death approaches you—will +have—nothing to—dread—every thing—to hope for."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and +but for the constant and tender care of the old black nurse—the +last of the Jackson family—would have then passed +away; he recovered—he was alone—not a relative in the +world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe, could +a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects" +thrown upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury, +where he entered the office of a famed lawyer—Spruce +M'Cay—was admitted to the bar in 1778—went to +Tennessee—served as a soldier in the Indian wars of 1783—chosen +a Senator 1797—Major General in 1801—whipped +the British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans +in 1815, and triumphantly elected President of the United +States for eight years in 1829. Andrew Jackson followed +his mother's advice, and he not only triumphed over his +hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in 1845.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Snaking_out_Sturgeons" id="Snaking_out_Sturgeons"></a>Snaking out Sturgeons.</h2> + + +<p>We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the +relation of the following "item" on sturgeons, by +a loquacious friend of ours:—</p> + +<p>It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, +a few years ago, and had a number of hands employed about +a dam, and the sturgeons were very numerous and extremely +docile. They would frequently come poking their noses +close up to the men standing in the water, and one of the men +bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon +was, and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a +clever-sized fish. Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's +shop, close at hand, he bends up one end like a fish hook, +and, slipping out into the stream, he slily places the hook +under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a +mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless +fish, and "yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element. +But, "lordy," wasn't he mistaken and surprised! +The moment the hook touched the inside of the sturgeon's +mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and forcibly as +to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket. +The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going +down stream, before he mustered presence of mind enough +to induce him to let go the hook!</p> + +<p>However, the lookers-on of this curious manœuvre took +a boat and fished out their half-drowned comrade, who +concluded that he had paid pretty dearly for his whistle.</p> + +<p>The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the +laugh of the above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some +one offered to bet a hat that he could hold a sturgeon and +snake him clean out of the water; and as the man who <i>had</i> +tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it, he at +once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for +any man in the crowd.</p> + +<p>The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator +tucked up his sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where +a sturgeon or two were lying off in the shallow water. Of +course the operation now became a matter of considerable +interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty fellow, able to +hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his +bringing out <i>his</i> sturgeon.</p> + +<p>After a long time the operator gets his hook under the +sturgeon, and leans forward to stick it close into the jaws +of the victim; and no sooner was that part of the feat accomplished, +than Mr. Sturgeon "backs out" with the velocity +of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under water +and down stream! The man held on; and there they went, +foaming and pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath +nearly out of his body; his neck, arms, and legs just about +dislocated, concluded to lose the hat and let the hook and +sturgeon go!</p> + +<p>Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting +out of the river, a convert to the first experimental idea of +the strength and velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon.</p> + +<p>Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some +muscular power, several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting +on the sturgeons.</p> + +<p>Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two +burly-built Paddys volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity +was not long waited for, ere a jolly good elastic +nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to where the +Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered, +slippery stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the +man with the hook planted it firmly into the suction hole of +the fish, while his companion held on to a rope fast to the +hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson, of course he +was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the other +Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves! +This proved, or very nearly so, a serious <i>denouement</i> +to the sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried +clean and clear off soundings, and so repeatedly +immersed in deep water, that his life was within an ace of +being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last (poor +Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being +dipped out of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel +until his insides were emptied of the water, and heat restored +through the influence of whiskey, he recovered, and +further experimenting on sturgeons, that season, in the +Kennebec, ceased.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Meanings_Mangling_English" id="Meanings_Mangling_English"></a>Mixing Meanings—Mangling English.</h2> + + +<p>There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," +who is down on customers who don't speak proper.</p> + +<p>"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer.</p> + +<p>"<i>Eggs</i>, of course," says the dealer.</p> + +<p>"I mean—how do they <i>go</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Go?—where?"</p> + +<p>"Sho—!" says the customer, getting up his <i>fury</i>, "what +for eggs?"</p> + +<p>"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer.</p> + +<p>"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says +the customer.</p> + +<p>"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded +the egg merchant.</p> + +<p>"What—is—the—price—per—dozen—for—your—eggs?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents +per dozen, is the price, sir!" They traded!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="the_Wrong_Passenger" id="the_Wrong_Passenger"></a>Waking up the Wrong Passenger.</h2> + + +<p>In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean +from his stock of information, gathered South-west, a +few incidents in the life of a somewhat extensively famed +Boston panoramic artist—one of which incidents, at least, +is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west was +beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring +outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi +valley in continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers" +was one of the most popular and profitable branches of the +business pursuits of these gentlemen freebooters, and, next +to horse-stealing, was the most practised.</p> + +<p>At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters, +or land pirates, more properly; forming themselves +into committees, the citizens opened <i>Court</i> and practised +Judge Lynch's <i>code</i> upon a multitude of just occasions. +At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the Mississippi, +was no great shakes of a <i>town</i>, but a spot where a +very considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding +quantity of crime and desperate doings were +enacted; indeed, some of the worst scenes in Southern +Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so fell +out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged +in levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point, +and the protective committee were on the alert to capture +and administer the law upon these fellows. It was discovered, +one evening, as the shades of a black and rather +tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father +of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious <i>voyageur</i>, +or sort of piratical <i>vidette</i>, was seen in his light canoe, +hugging the shore, either for shelter or some insidious purpose.</p> + +<p>The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched; +but the coming storm and darkness soon closed observation, +and the parties noticing the transaction hurried forward to +the <i>Point</i>, and announced one or more of the land pirates +in the neighborhood! Of course, the town—of some four +houses, six "groceries," a <i>store</i> and blacksmithery—was +aroused, indignant! Impatient for a victim, the <i>posse +comitatus</i> "fired up," armed to the teeth with pistol, +bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife, and—whiskey, +started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the pirate +and his crew.</p> + +<p>Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles, +was carefully—as much so as the darkness would admit—scoured. +The Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled +in the azure-arched heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver +moon beamed forth, and suddenly one of the vigilant +committee espies the land-pirate and his canoe noiselessly +floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be lost; +the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his +being the first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade, +and the two hurried back to the Point, to get a canoe and +start out to capture the enemy. The canoe was obtained, three +courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the saying goes, +paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for +right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy! +Where was the pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his +frail vessel; either asleep, or "playing possum." At all +events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a brief period +to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm +seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and +throat, with such a rush and fierceness that both canoes +were upon the apex of "swamping."</p> + +<p>"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case +for eels, you thief!"</p> + +<p>"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second.</p> + +<p>"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum, +or you're giblets, instanter!"</p> + +<p>But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even +had the captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the +power nor opportunity to move a limb.</p> + +<p>"Haul him out," cried one.</p> + +<p>"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now, +you skunk, lay still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you +on sight!"</p> + +<p>Having transferred the body of the captive from his +"own canoe" to theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the +stranger's <i>dug-out</i>, and then paddled for the landing. The +pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the <i>wharf-boat</i>, +and left under guard of one of the captors—a dreadful ugly-looking +customer, a <i>cross</i> between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife, +and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal +to an arsenal—while the other two went up to the nearest +"grocery," reported the capture, took a drink, and sent out +word for <i>Court</i> to meet. The poor victim was deposited +on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind +him. Recovering his scattered senses, the <i>pirate</i> +"waked up."</p> + +<p>"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard, +who sat on an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol +in his hand, "what's all this about?"</p> + +<p>"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd. +You'll know what's up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!"</p> + +<p>"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the +captive. "But all I want to know, is—am I to be robbed, +killed off, or only initiated into the mysteries of your craft?"</p> + +<p><a name='Pg_305' id='Pg_305'></a>"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give +you a settler!" was the reply.</p> + +<div class='image' id='illo005'> + +<img src='images/illo005.png' + alt="Shet up, you piratin' cuss you" + title="Shet up, you piratin' cuss you" +/> + +<p>"Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you +a settler!—<a href='#Pg_305'><i>Page</i> 305.</a></p> + +</div> + +<p>"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied +the but little daunted captive. "One thing consoling +I glean, my virtuous friend, from your scraps of information—you +are not a pirate yourself, or in favor of that science! +But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and +what the deuce I'm here for."</p> + +<p>"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes +the <i>Court</i>, and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin' +at the wind, pooty soon; you kin stake your pile on that!"</p> + +<p>And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a +dozen well-<i>stimulated</i> citizens, and strangers about the +Point, came rushing and yelling on to the wharf-boat and +were quite as immediately gathered around the captive. +The first impulse of the <i>posse comitatus</i> appeared to manifest +itself in a desire to hang the victim—straight up! A +second (how <i>sober</i> we know not) thought induced them to +ask a question or two, and for this purpose the presiding +<i>judge</i> drew up before the still prostrate captive, and said—</p> + +<p>"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?"</p> + +<p>The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner +turned his face towards the <i>judge</i>, and replied—</p> + +<p>"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I +would like to know, however, what all this means!"</p> + +<p>"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the <i>judge</i>.</p> + +<p>"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any, +neighbor; navigation never engrossed a great deal of my +attention, but I get along down here very well—without a crew!"</p> + +<p>"You do?" responded the <i>judge</i>; "well, we're going to +hang you up."</p> + +<p>"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have +always been opposed to capital punishment, neighbor, and +I know it would be unpleasant to me now!"</p> + +<p>The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the <i>Court</i>, +and says the <i>judge</i>—</p> + +<p>"Who are you, and where are you from?"</p> + +<p>"My name is Banvard—John Banvard, from Boston!"</p> + +<p>"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all.</i>"</p> + +<p>The <i>Court</i> adjourned <i>sine die</i>; the clever artist was untied, +treated to the best the market afforded, that night; +his canoe, rifle, &c., restored next day, and John went on +his way rejoicing in his narrow escape—finished his sketches, +and the first great panorama "got up" in our country, and +which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it in America.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Genius_for_Business" id="Genius_for_Business"></a>Genius for Business.</h2> + + +<p>It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something +when a customer comes in, if you can. A female +relative of ours went into a Hanover street fancy store +'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card and needle +cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around," +and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?" +was propounded, he responded—</p> + +<p>"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual +orbs <i>lit</i> upon a profusion of well-known matters in domestic +economy, for the abrogation of certain parasitic insects.</p> + +<p>"Haven't any card cases, mum,—<i>got some elegant ivory +small-tooth combs!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Any_Old_Boots" id="Any_Old_Boots"></a>Have You Got Any Old Boots?</h2> + + +<p>No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a +city life, is the culinary item of rent day. Washing +day has had its day—machines and <i>fluid</i> have made washing +a matter of science and ease, and we are no longer +bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and +suds, as of yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled +dimities and dickeys. Another and more important matter, +from the extent of its obnoxiousness to our nerves and temper, +has come home to our very threshold and hearths, to +disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace.</p> + +<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p>Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking, +back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time +and care-worn <i>boots</i>. The old boot gatherers were almost +as diverting as novel to me, when I first located in Boston; +but I have long since learned to hate and abhor them, and +their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work, +and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p>How often—a hundred times at least, have I gone to the +door and heard this inquiry—ten times in one day, for I +kept count of it, and used enough "strong language" at +each shutting—banging to of the door, to last a "first +officer" through a gale of wind.</p> + +<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p>The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee, +or morning paper—just as you had got into a deeply interesting +bit of information on "breadstuff's," California, or +the Queen's last baby, to open your door, and espy a +grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle, just rearing +his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled +leather, and meekly asking—</p> + +<p>"<i>Have yez got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p>These <i>collectors</i> are of course prepared for any amount +of explosive <i>gas</i> you may shower down upon their uncombed +crowns, as the cool and perfectly-at-home manner they descend +your steps to mount those of your next-door neighbor +plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and—</p> + +<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p>Drove my respected—middle-aged friend Mansfield—clear +out of town! Mr. Mansfield was a <i>retired</i> flour merchant; +he was not rich, but well to do in the world. He +had no children of his own, in lieu of which, however, he +had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two +orphans of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old +enough to be <i>devilish</i> and mightily inclined that way. The +boy's name was Philip, the foster father he called Uncle +Henry, and not long after arriving in town, and opening +house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield—who was given +to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading—found that +he was likely to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers, +pedlers and old boot collectors.</p> + +<p>Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness +of an experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction +to his soul that, however harrowing—</p> + +<p>"<i>Got any ole boots to-day?</i>"</p> + +<p style='text-indent:0'>might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear +and finally get used to it, as other people did. But Uncle +Henry possessed an irritable and excitable temperament, +that not one man in ten thousand could boast of, and hence +he grew—at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite +meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his +bell, and proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and +rubbers, or make the never-to-be-forgotten inquiry—</p> + +<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots to-day?</i>"</p> + +<p>Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal +wife not permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry, +or Master Philip, were obliged to wait on the door. The +old gentleman finally concluded that the pedlers and old boot +collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement than profit +or concern—gave him a call. And laboring under this impression, +Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as +he called them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence +and his worked up ire.</p> + +<p>"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after +breakfast, "we'll fix these—</p> + +<p>"'<i>Got any ole boots?</i>'</p> + +<p>"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect +soon, I'll warrant them. Bring me the hammer and nails; +that's a man; now get uncle the high chair; so, that's it; +now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of the door, on a +pivot—bore this hole through here—put the string through +that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the +scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's +bells, clean out by the very roots, making us drop all, to +come wait on them, rot them—</p> + +<p>"'<i>Got any ole boots?</i>'</p> + +<p>"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give +you a dose of something you won't forget, to your dying day."</p> + +<p>And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving +shelf, over his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked +away at his trap. Like that of most dwellings in Boston, +Uncle Henry's front door was <i>sunk</i> some six or eight feet +into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six granite +steps—side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way, +with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood +not <i>plebeian</i> enough to induce butcher boys to enter the +hall, with the pork and potatoes, nor admit of the servant +girl heaving "slops" out of the front windows; yet not +sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and</p> + +<p>"<i>Got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p style='text-indent:0;'>with aristocratic or "respectable" <i>awe</i>, ere venturing to +mount the steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap +iron, rags and old leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to +<i>chuckle</i> in his sleeves at the <i>ruse</i> he would be enabled to +give his tormentors through the agency of his revolving +battery—charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to +be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the +inside. Philly was duly initiated into the <i>modus operandi</i>; when—</p> + +<p>"<i>Got any ole boots?</i>"</p> + +<p style='text-indent:0;'>made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a +pedler's wagon was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was +to be on the <i>qui vive</i>, inform Uncle Henry, and if they +mounted the steps, he would give them a shower bath upon +a new and astonishing principle.</p> + +<p>It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled +at the idea, and readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions. +Not long after arranging the "infernal machine," +Uncle Henry's attention was called to another part of the +house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a +strange cat had pounced upon the cage—the door flew +open, and puss nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the +look out, in front, discovers two old boot men approaching +the neighborhood; desirous of showing his own skill, he did +not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the door—string +in hand, awaiting the <i>cue</i>. Feet approach—quickly +the feet mount the steps.</p> + +<p>"<i>Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!</i>"</p> + +<p>"<i>Sh-i-i-s-swashe!</i>" and down comes the avalanche of +coal dust and refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement!</p> + +<p>Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the +penny postman covered from head to foot with the obnoxious +composition! Philly took occasion to make a +sudden exit, the postman swore—swore like a trooper, but +Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon +the "devilish boy"—brushed the postman's clothes, and +after some effort, so mollified him as to induce the sufferer +to depart in peace. Uncle Henry <i>tried</i> to be very severe +on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that the +old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly +cleared the steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the +trap, admonishing Philly not to dare to meddle with it +again, but call him when—</p> + +<p>"<i>Got any ole boots?</i>" made their appearance.</p> + +<p>All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had +business down town, and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly +was at school, but got home before Uncle Henry, and +seeing the pedler wagon near the door—slipped in, and +learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took +charge of the battery again. Now, just as the pedler +mounted the steps of the next door, Mr. Mansfield sees +him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the watch for +the pedler. Philly had been <ins title="peaking">peeking</ins> out the corner of the +side curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought, +right up the steps—nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry +caught the knob of the door—down came thundering the +brick dust and charcoal both, in the most elegant profusion.</p> + +<p>Phil was <i>tricked</i>. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal +to that of a drunken beggar—the trap was removed, Uncle +Henry got disgusted with city life, and left—for rural retirement, +without as much as giving one single rebuke to—</p> + +<p>"<i>Got any ole boots to-day?</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Vagaries_of_Nature" id="Vagaries_of_Nature"></a>The Vagaries of Nature.</h2> + + +<p>Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny +moods, as well as all her children. Now she gets up +a stone bridge, the gigantic proportions and the symmetrical +development of which attract great attention from all +tourists and historians who venture into or speak of "old +Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels +of Mother Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently +and alone, a stupendous under-ground palace, that laughs +to scorn the puny efforts of man in that branch of business. +She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of salt, great +granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out figure-heads, +old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire, +and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson, +that win wonder and delight from the floating million. +Instances out of all number might be raked up, home and +abroad, to show how the old dame has cut <i>didoes</i> in the +prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it +would seem, nature has taken most especial pains to appear +slightly ridiculous or very eccentric.</p> + +<p>Old Captain Rocksalt informs us—and there is always +wit, wisdom, and truth in the old man's stories—that he +made voyages to Australia many times within the past +thirty years, and having visited about all the sea-ports of +the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his notes +are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named +<i>Botany Bay</i>, the name originating from the fact that the +land was covered with a luxurious growth of Botanical +specimens. The Dutch discovered and named <i>Van Diemen's +Land</i>. The English at once concluded to make +Botany Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of +criminals and soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number, +in 1788; but Capt. Phillip, the commander of the fleet, +being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany Bay, hunted up +a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was +cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried, +"Land ho!"</p> + +<p>Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it +took him some time to "tumble up" on deck.</p> + +<p>"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser.</p> + +<p>"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and, +sure enough, a long, faint streak of land was visible from +deck. The "lookout" announced a harbor, head-lands, &c.; +but the rum old captain, not being able to see any such +indication, with a chuckle, says he—</p> + +<p>"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a +port, you powder monkey—<i>Port Jackson!</i>"</p> + +<p>And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became <ins title="sponser">sponsor</ins> +to the finest harbor in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip, +upon rediscovering the harbor, took his fleet into it, and +then and there began the now flourishing city of Sydney.</p> + +<p>Australia is an Island, lying opposite another—New +Zealand. It is on the Indian Ocean, south side, while the +east opens to the Pacific. Australia claims to contain a +superficial area of over three million square miles, part +desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of the +finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the +soil light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and +fine sand, and make ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar +to the country. Sheep-grazing, wool-growing, and boiling +down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great business of +the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when +the <i>gold fever</i> swept the land.</p> + +<p>Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black +cannibals of the ugliest description; but at this day not a +hundred of them remain. The natives were exceeding +stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as Capt. Rocksalt +observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not +very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they +determined to get rid of them as fast and easy as possible. +For this purpose, they used to gather a horde of them +together, and give them poisoned bread and rum, and so +kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of <i>practice</i>, +but the <i>ends</i> seemed to justify the <i>means</i>.</p> + +<p>Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt, +<i>discovered</i> years ago; but not in quantities to lead the +ignorant to believe money could be made hunting it. +People may be stupid; but it requires a far greener capacity +than most of them would confess to—at least, ten years +ago—to make them believe gold could be picked up in +chunks out in the open fields.</p> + +<p>But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first; +and then by far better people; though the very worst felons +sent out often became decent and respectable men, which is +indeed a great "puff," we think, for the healthfulness of +the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to +bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the +watch-makers, and as he refused to say where or how he got +them, it was suspicioned that he had secreted guineas or +jewelry somewhere, and occasionally melted them for sale.</p> + +<p>However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously, +all over Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere. +The rocks, ledges, bars, gullies, and river-banks, +which were daily familiar to the eyes of thousands, all of a +sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame +Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun +and uproar—the scrabble and rush she had caused in her +vast household.</p> + +<p>"It did beat <i>all!</i>" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight +hours Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip +nearly desolate, while the interior villages or towns—Bathurst, +&c., were run clean out!"</p> + +<p>Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines, +and the proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped +work and put out; servants left without winking, leaving +people to wait on themselves; doctors left what few +patients they had, and bolted for the fields of Ophir; lawyers +packed up and cut stick, following their clients and victims +to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers +became so short-handed that dailies were knocked +into weeklies, and the weeklies into cocked hats, or something +near it—mere eight-by-ten "handbills."</p> + +<p>These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a +revolution in men, manners, and things. As we said before, +Australia was the very apex of singularities in the way of +Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the gold mania +broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and +miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen +as full of caprice as the land they were living in.</p> + +<p>"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day +comes in the middle of our nights! When we're turning +in at home, they are turning out in Australia. Summer +begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms they +get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are +getting used to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays, +they are roasting with heat, and going around in linen +jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is full of flowers of +every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to look +at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so +many dried chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black. +The few animals in the country are all provided with +pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in which to stow their +young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really +appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was +completely taken down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of +the finest pears you ever saw. Myself and a friend were up +the country, and I sees a fine pear tree, breaking down +with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw.</p> + +<p>"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears +as I've seen these twenty years!'</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the +country; 'perhaps you would like to try a few?'</p> + +<p>"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a +few, and it was a job to get them down, I tell you; and +when I had one between my teeth I gave it a nip—see +there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain, showing us +the fact; "the fine pears <i>were mere wood!</i></p> + +<p>"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they +are dumb as beetles, sir—never heard a bird sing or whistle +a note in Australia. The trees make no shade, the leaves +hang from the stems edge up, and look just as if they had +been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and you rarely +see a tree with a bit of bark on it.</p> + +<p>"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir—fine +cherries, plenty of them, but the <i>stones were all on the +outside!</i> The bees have no stings, the snakes no fangs, +and the eagles are all white. The north wind is hot, the +south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in +Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the +longest in winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin +to tell you how many curious didoes nature seems to cut, +in that country; but, altogether, it's one of the queerest +countries I ever did see, by ginger!"</p> + +<p>And we have come to the conclusion—it is. If the gold +continues to "turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets" +as recently reported, Australia is bound to be the richest +and most densely populated, as well as <i>queerest</i> country +known to man.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Disquisition_on_Hinges" id="Disquisition_on_Hinges"></a>A General Disquisition on "Hinges."</h2> + + +<p>Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen +of <i>Down East</i>, enter a store, or other place of every-day +business, for the purpose of "looking around," or +<i>dicker</i> a little? They are "coons," they are, upon all +such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the +store of a friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently. +He was a full bloom <i>Yankee</i>—it stuck out all over him. +He sauntered into the store, as unconcerned, quietly, and +familiarly, as though in no great hurry about anything in +particular, and killing time, for his own amusement. Absalom, +Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever +else his name may have been, wore a very large fur cap, +upon a very small and close-cut head; his features were +mightily pinched up; there was a cunning expression about +the corner of his eyes, not unlike the embodiment of—"catch +a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his mouth, +thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen, +calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a +frightened locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack +coat, fitting him all over, similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle, +was pouched out at the pockets with any quantity +of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots, pamphlets +and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico, +candy, &c. His vest was short, but that deficiency was +made up in superfluity of <i>dickey</i>, and a profusion of sorrel +whiskers. Having got into the store, he very leisurely +walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and +minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him:</p> + +<p>"What can we do for you to-day, sir?"</p> + +<p>Looking <i>quarteringly</i> at the clerk for about two full +minutes, says he—</p> + +<p>"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do."</p> + +<p>"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring +to an article the "customer" had just been gazing at +with evident interest.</p> + +<p>"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes.</p> + +<p>"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed +another pause; the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep +into his trowsers' pockets, and viewing the hinges at a respectful +distance, in profound calculation, three minutes full.</p> + +<p>"They be, eh?" he at length responded.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, <i>warranted</i>," replied the clerk. Another long +pause. The Yankee approached the hinges, two steps—picks +up a bundle of the article, looks knowingly at them +two minutes—</p> + +<p>"Yeou don't say so?"</p> + +<p>"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather +pertly, as he moves off to wait upon another customer, who +bought some eight or ten dollars' worth of cutlery and +tools, paid for them, and cleared out, while our Yankee +genius was still reconnoitering the hinges.</p> + +<p>"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee.</p> + +<p>"In England, sir," replied the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Not in <i>Neuw</i> England, I'll bet a fo'pence!"</p> + +<p>"No, not here—in Europe."</p> + +<p>"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!"</p> + +<p>"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them," +said the clerk.</p> + +<p>"I've seen <i>hinges</i> made in <i>aour</i> place, better'n them."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered +the clerk.</p> + +<p>"I 'spect you have; I don't call <i>them</i> anything great, no how!"</p> + +<p>"Well, here's a better article; better hinges—"</p> + +<p>"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting +the clerk, "but they're small hinges."</p> + +<p>"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches."</p> + +<p>"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the +clerk again left him and the hinges, to wait on another customer, +who bought a keg of nails, &c., and left.</p> + +<p>"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued +the Yankee, after musing to himself for twenty minutes, <i>full</i>.</p> + +<p>"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk.</p> + +<p>"How's them brass 'uns work?"</p> + +<p>"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways."</p> + +<p>"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered, +I guess, a very neuw invenshun?"</p> + +<p>"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk.</p> + +<p>"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?"</p> + +<p>"Never," candidly responded the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Well, I <i>hev</i>," resolutely echoed the Yankee.</p> + +<p>"You have, eh?"</p> + +<p>"E' yes, plenty on 'em—eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout +there that never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!"</p> + +<p>"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind +the times as that," said the clerk.</p> + +<p>"It's a <i>fact</i>—dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like +that," continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there, +nigh on to a year; couldn't stand it—"</p> + +<p>"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk.</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir</i>; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks +air almighty green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on +'em; when they get mighty old and bald-headed, they stop +and die off, of their own accord."</p> + +<p>"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague +sweetens 'em, I tell you. O, it's dreadful, fever and +ague is!"</p> + +<p>"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water, +kind o' went agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin', +cursin', and swearin', pitchin' apple cores and corn at the +master, that didn't exactly suit me. Finally, one day, at +last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I got the fever +and agy so <i>bad</i>, that they shook daown the school-house +chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots, +with the <i>agy</i>—so I packed up and <i>slid!</i>"</p> + +<p>The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh +customer, the Yankee was left to his meditations and survey. +Having some twenty more minutes to walk around the store, +and examine the stock, he brought up opposite the clerk, +who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff, for a +carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again.</p> + +<p>"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?"</p> + +<p>"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Them Illinoi folks haven't no <i>idee</i> what a place this +Boston is; they haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things +towards civilization, but 'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!"</p> + +<p>"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up +after a while, I guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to +examine any other sort of hinges, sir?" he continued.</p> + +<p>"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?"</p> + +<p>"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel, +copper, plated, &c. These are fine for parlor doors, &c.," +said the clerk.</p> + +<p>"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale +silver. I 'spect them cost somethin'?"</p> + +<p>"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got +them as low as you can buy them in the market."</p> + +<p>"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk.</p> + +<p>"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee.</p> + +<p>"Yes; what <i>priced</i> hinges did you require?"</p> + +<p>"What priced hinges?—"</p> + +<p>"Exactly! Tell me what you require them <i>for</i>, and I +can soon come at the <i>sort</i> of hinges you require," said the +clerk, making an effort to come to a climax.</p> + +<p>"Who said <i>I</i> wanted any hinges?"</p> + +<p>"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to +buy hinges?"</p> + +<p>"Buy hinges? Why, <i>no;</i> I don't want nothin'; <i>I only +came in to look areound!</i>"</p> + +<p>Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped +out, leaving the poor clerk—quite flabbergasted!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Miseries_of_Bachelorhood" id="Miseries_of_Bachelorhood"></a>Miseries of Bachelorhood.</h2> + + +<p>Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, +but when he comes to think that bachelors must die—that +they have got to go down to the grave "without any body to +cry for them"—it gives him a chill that frost-bites his philosophy. +Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going +convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and +we think we "smell something," as the fellow said when +his shirt took fire.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Science_of_Diddling" id="Science_of_Diddling"></a>The Science of "Diddling."</h2> + + +<p>Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial +down, as traces of them are found in all ancient +and modern history, from the Bible to Shakspeare, from +Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron, +who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and—vanished. +Diddler is derived from the word <i>diddle</i>, to <i>do</i>—every body +who has not yet made his debut to the Elephant. We believe +the word has escaped the attention of the ancient +lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more durable +"Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation, +or present sense.</p> + +<p>A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in <i>fact</i>, one of your first-class +vagabonds; a fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent +parents, while they were in easy circumstances. Trained +up to despise labor, not capacitated by nature or inclination +to pass current in a profession, he finds himself at twenty +possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a +few friends, and—no visible means of support. There are +but two ways about it—take to the highway, or become a +Diddler—a sponge—and, like woodcock, live on "suction." +The early part of a Diddler's life is chiefly spent among the +ladies;—they being strongly susceptible of flattering attentions, +especially those of "a nice young man," your Diddler +lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's +"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician—an +old Hunker; attends caucusses and conventions, dinners +and inaugurations. Never aspiring to matrimony +among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never hoping +for office under government, he never gets any; and when, +at last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a +white neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his +ears, and, dressed in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit +of sable, he jines church and turns "old fogie," carries +around the plate, does chores for the parson, becomes generally +useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles +off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in +the most becoming manner.</p> + +<p>Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful +practice of a respectable Diddler. New York affords them +a very fair scope for operation, but of all the American +cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's paradise! The mobile +state of society, the fluctuations of men and business, the +impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for +any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for +the exercise of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He +dines almost sumptuously at the daily lunches set at the +splendid drinking saloons and <i>cafes</i>, he lives for a month at +a time on the various upward-bound steamboats. In New +Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati +or Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"—positively; +Diddler knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers +and baggage hurried on, and the steamer keeps +<i>going</i> for two to five days before she's gone; so he comes +on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets +his state-room and board among the crowd of <i>real</i> passengers, +up to the hour of the boat's shoving out, then he—slips +ashore, and points his boots to another boat. Many's +the Diddler who's passed a whole season thus, dead-heading +it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes +the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a +mere Diddler, which is morally bad enough; he comes in +contact with professional gamblers, plunges into the most +pernicious and abominable of vices—gambles, cheats, swindles, +and finally, as a grand tableau to his utter damnation +here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a crowbar—or +commits murder.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Thanksgiving_Story" id="Thanksgiving_Story"></a>The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to my +soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast all my sins +behind thy back."—<span class="smcap">Isaiah.</span></p></div> + + +<p>A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his +breeches pocket, and the fingers of the other drumming +a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the window glass of an +elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage +I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space +of a few moments. The facts of my story are commonplace, +and thereby the more probable. The names of the +dramatis personæ I shall introduce, will be the <i>only</i> part of +my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described old +gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub +upon the window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool. +To elucidate the matter more clearly, I would beg leave to +say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though now a wealthy and +retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance" of +fortune around him, could—if he chose—well recollect the +day when his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten, +as he plodded through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts +farmer, for whom he acted in early life the trifling +character of a "cow boy."</p> + +<p>Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the +vain heart of a proud millionaire, such reflections seldom +come to the surface. Like hundreds of other instances in +the history of our countrymen, by a prolonged life of enterprise +and good luck, Joel Newschool found himself, at +the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy +man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a +large family. Having served an apprenticeship to farming, +he allowed but a brief space to elapse between his freedom +suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel and his young +and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter +purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old +and wealthy. In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool, +fortune made but slight alteration; but the accumulation +of dollars and exalted privileges that follow wealth, had +wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her husband.</p> + +<p>The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye, +seemed to improve the ocular views of Joel Newschool +amazingly, for he had been enabled in his late years to see +that a vast difference of <i>caste</i> existed between those that +tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the +jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators +of such operations. He no longer groped in the darkness +of men who believed in such fallacies as that wealth gave +man no superiority over honest poverty! In short, Mr. +Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions and ostentatious +feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy +of the nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet +felt little or none of that happiness that the bare-footed, +merry cow boy enjoyed in the stubble field. But such is man.</p> + +<p>With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy +and station claim, the retired merchant was not a happy +man. Though his expensive carriage and liveried driver +were seen to roll him regularly to the majestic church upon +the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to the massive +organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's +devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed +not his neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there +was at his heart a pang that turned to lees the essence of +his life.</p> + +<p>Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters, +men and women around him; they all married and left +his roof for their own. One, a favorite child, a daughter, +a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the father's heart had +set its fondest seal—she it was that the hand of Providence +ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire. +Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses +of nature, had for her husband sought "a <i>man</i>, not a money +chest," and this circumstance had made Cecelia a severed +member of the Newschool family, who could not, in +the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable +condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound <i>them</i> to +the wife of a poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or +integrity as a man.</p> + +<p>Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart +of Cecelia, and she repaid his pains with the full gift of a +happy wife. She counted not his worldly prospects, but +yielded all to his constancy. She wished for nothing but +his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her, +she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the +sunny future.</p> + +<p>The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one. +Loving and beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous +home and ties of kindred. But not so the proud +father and the patient mother, the haughty sisters and brothers; +they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that bitterness +of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when +we will strive to stifle the better parts of our natures.</p> + +<p>Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly +passed and gone. Though this little space of time made +little or no change in the families of the proud and indolent +relatives, it brought many changes in the eventful life of +the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little babes +nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention +of the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and +admiration of all Europe and America.</p> + +<p>This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the +haughty relatives. Now ashamed of their petty, poor, +contemptible arrogance, they could not in their hearts find +space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity with +which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the +young mechanic.</p> + +<p>It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling +and whistling through the trees on the Common; the dead +leaves were dropping seared and yellow to the earth, admonishing +the old gentleman whom we left drumming upon +the window, that—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>Such was life!</i>"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window +pane with a dreary <i>sotto voce</i> accompaniment for some minutes, +when he was interrupted by an aged, pious-looking +matron, who dropped her spectacles across the book in her +lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said—</p> + +<p>"Joel."</p> + +<p>"Umph?" responded the old gentleman.</p> + +<p>"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving +day, should we live to see to-morrow."</p> + +<p>"He has," responded Mr. Newschool.</p> + +<p>"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God +we are, for the blessings, and prosperity, and long life +vouchsafed to us, by a good and benevolent Almighty."</p> + +<p>"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I +know, I feel all this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it."</p> + +<p>"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow +we shall, God permitting, be with our children and +friends once again, together."</p> + +<p>"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband.</p> + +<p>"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the +exclusion of our own child, Cecelia, from the family +re-unions, from joining us in returning thanks to God for his +mercy and preservation of us, is cruel and offensive to Him +we deign to render up our prayers."</p> + +<p>"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with +you in this, you have but anticipated my feelings in the matter. +I have long fought against my better feelings and +offended a discriminating God, I know. Ashamed to confess +my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely confess +an altered feeling and better determination."</p> + +<p>"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband +join with us to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just +God and kind Providence."</p> + +<p>"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone +relieved from my heart. I wish it done."</p> + +<p>Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had +been held in the paternal mansion of the Newschools, since +Cecelia had left it for the humble home of the poor artizan. +But their several re-unions were clouded, gloomy, unsocial +affairs; there was a gap in the social circle of the Newschool +family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all +felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke +blessings on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and +blood; it was hard to return thanks for those dear ones present, +and <i>wonder</i> whether the absent and equally dear had +aught to be thankful for, whether instead of health and +comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty, +and despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude +upon the mind, the soul, are not likely to make merry meetings. +And such was the position and nature of the re-union +upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the Newschool mansion. +But better feelings were at work, and a happy change +was at hand.</p> + +<p>Several carriages had already drove up to the door of +Mr. Newschool, Sen., and let down the different branches +of the Newschool family. A brighter appearance seemed +gathering over the household than was usual of late on +Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party +came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation +given, and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and +her husband would join the family circle that day, in their re-union.</p> + +<p>The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away +their pride, and greet their sister as became Christian and +sensible women. The brothers, chagrined at the unmanliness +of their conduct, now gladly joined their approval of +what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the +clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a +pretty, smiling young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable, +neat attire, ascended the large stone steps of the Newschool +mansion, with a light and graceful step, bearing a sleeping +child in her arms.</p> + +<p>Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms +of her old mother; the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole +family party were bountifully showered upon poor Cecelia, +and her sweet little daughter. Imagination may always +better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe +it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature, +when thus long pent, bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises +of the pen before it, like snow-flakes before the mighty +mountain avalanche.</p> + +<p>Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their +Thanksgiving dinner.</p> + +<p>Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to +the throne of grace, expressed the day the happiest one of +his long life. Quickly flew the hours by, and as the shades +of evening gathered around, Francis Fairway was announced +with a carriage for his wife's return home. Francis Fairway, +the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious +of his own position and merits, and scorned any base +means to conciliate the favor and patronage of his superiors +in rank, birth, or education. His deportment to the +Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met it +with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did +them honor. Francis met a generous welcome, and the +evening of Thanksgiving day was spent in a happy re-union +indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's return home, +she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child, +bearing this inscription—</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-."</p></div> + +<p>The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite +Bank of Boston, and which were duly placed in the old +Bank fire-proof, to the account of the little heir, the enterprise +of the artizan having placed him above the necessity +of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the grandchild.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Cabbage_vs_Men" id="Cabbage_vs_Men"></a>Cabbage vs. Men.</h2> + + +<p>Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as +noble and praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, +or the garden sass! Says brother Theodore, "You +don't cast garden-seed in the mire, over the rough broken +ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig, level, rake, +and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water, +you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables—why +would you do less for the material man?" +Pre-cisely! we pause for an answer, proposals received +from the learned—until we go to press.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="from_the_Country" id="from_the_Country"></a>Wanted—A Young Man from the Country.</h2> + + +<p>All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young +men who have been bred for the counter or desk, and +thousands of these genteel young gents find it any thing +but an easy matter to find bread or situations half their +time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An +advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a +clerk or salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred +needy and greedy applicants, in the course of a morning! +In New York, where a vast number of these misguided +young men are "manufactured," and continue to be manufactured +by the regiment, for an already surfeited market, +there are wretches who practise upon these innocent victims +of perverted usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood.</p> + +<p>By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods +dealer, the proprietor of one of those agencies for procuring +situations for young men, <i>victims</i> of misplaced confidence +are put through at five to ten dollars each, somewhat after +this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency, advertises +for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten +waiters, &c., &c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car +and stage, running into New York, brings in a fresh importation +of young men from the country, all fitted out in +the knowledge box for salesmen, book-keepers and clerk-ships,—every +morning, a new set are offered to be taken +in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars +for obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount, +and is sent to Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods +shop; he has got through with a victim of yesterday, and +is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day; for he makes +it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor, vexatious +manœuvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty +come back next day, and if they do—<i>he don't want them!</i> +If the unsuspecting victim returns to the "Agency," he is +lectured roundly for his incapacity or want of <i>energy!</i>—and +advised to return to the country and recuperate.</p> + +<p>Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of +Sniffensville Academy, and having many unmistakable +longings for becoming a Merchant Prince, and seeing sights +in a city; and having read an account of the great fortunes +piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless country +boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and +came right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers +that clerks, salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted, +dreadfully—"young men from the country preferred"—so +he called on the <i>suffering</i> agent for the public, and paying +down his <i>fee</i>, was sent off to an <i>Importing House</i>, on —— +street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah +found his idea of an <i>Importing House</i> knocked into a disarranged +chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case," +a large and luminous <i>store</i>, filled up with paper boxes and +sham bundles; while gaudily festooned, were any quantity +of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes, and innumerable +other tuppenny affairs.</p> + +<p>Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing +and jobbing house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle, +heavy-bearded, shaved and starched genus, of six-and-thirty, +more or less; and received Jeremiah with a rather patronizing +survey <i>personelle</i>, and opened the engagement with a +few remarks.</p> + +<p>"From the country, are you?"</p> + +<p>"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak, +State of New Hampshire."</p> + +<p>"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are +better trained," said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance, +honest frugality, and the duties of a Christian man. I was +brought up in the country myself. I've made myself; +carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir, +give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried +them, I know what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke +near enough the truth to be partly true, for he <i>had</i> "tried +them;" he averaged some fifty-two clerks and an equal +number of <i>salesmen</i>—yearly.</p> + +<p>Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary +manner in which Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was +pleased to review the country and its institutions.</p> + +<p>"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three +dollars a week the first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,) +and three per cent. on the sales they make the second year."</p> + +<p>By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the +conclusion that the <i>first</i> year wouldn't add much to his +pecuniary elevation, whatever the second did with its three +per cents. But he was bound to try it on, anyhow.</p> + +<p>"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon——"</p> + +<p>"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man.</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes, Thomas—<i>pshaw!</i>—Jediah, I would say," continued +Cheatum, correcting himself—</p> + +<p>"Jeremiah—Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in +course of business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names +confused. Well, Jeremiah, in the first place, you must +learn to please the customers; you must always be lively +and spry, and never give an offensive answer. Many women +and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the +remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to +one's patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no +possible means of telling a woman who <i>shops</i> for pastime, +from one who shops in earnest; so you must be careful, be +polite, be lively and spry, and never let a person <i>go</i> without +making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a person +asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them +try something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny +calico, or six-penny delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am, +<i>beautifully</i>; I've tried them, or seen them tried;' and if +they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real <i>Shaker flannels</i>? +or the ninepence hose <i>all merino</i>?' better not contradict +them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried, +know they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the +various questions that may be asked," said Cheatum.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand."</p> + +<p>"And, William——"</p> + +<p>"Jeremiah, sir, if you please."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes; well, Jediah—Jeremiah, I would say—when +you make change, never take a ten cent piece and two cents +for a shilling, but give it as often as practicable; look out +for the fractions in adding up, and beware of crossed six-pences, +smooth shillings, and what are called Bungtown +coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis.</p> + +<p>"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all <i>that</i>," said Jeremiah.</p> + +<p>"And, Jeems—pshaw!—Jacob—Jeremiah! I would say, +in measuring, always put your thumb <i>so</i>, and when you +move the yardstick forward, shove your thumb an inch or +so <i>back</i>; in measuring <i>close</i> you may manage to squeeze +out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand? +And always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered +folks don't slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves +or hose, or a piece of goods, up their sleeves, in their +bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be careful, Henry—Jeems, +I should say," said Cheatum.</p> + +<p>Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work. +The first customer he had was a little girl, who bought a +yard of ribbon for ninepence, and Jeremiah not only +stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard, but made +twelve cents go for a ninepence, which <i>feat</i> brought down +the vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch +woman, who "tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His +next adventure was the sale of a dress pattern of sixpenny +de-laine, which he <i>warranted</i> to contain all the perfections +known to the best article, and in dashing his vigorous scissors +through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a +dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them +all into slitters! The young woman who took the dress +pattern, upon reaching home, found it contained but eight +yards, when she paid for nine. She came back, and Jeremiah +Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny +calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back, +and an old lady with it; the colors and starch were all out, +by dipping it in water, and the woman went on so that Cheatum +was glad to refund her money to get rid of her. Two +dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own +diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and +tongue, he hauled down and exhibited Cheatum's entire +stock; the girls then were leaving, saying they would "call +again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do, ladies, do; +call again, <i>like to secure your custom!</i>" The young ladies +took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr. +Bumps, and nothing short of his humble apologies saved +him from enraged cowhides! Jeremiah saw a suspicious +woman enter the store, and after overhauling a box of +gloves, he thought he saw her <i>pocket a pair</i>. He intercepted +the lady as she was going out—he grabbed her by +the pocket—the lady resisted—Jeremiah held on—the lady +fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly tore her dress off in +pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the wife of +a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another +store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100, +and sent to the House of Correction for sixty days.</p> + +<p>How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put +through since, we know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now +engaged in the practical science of agriculture, and shudders +at the idea of a young man from the country being +<i>wanted</i> in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the +elephant that he <i>observed—in Boston</i>.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Presence_of_Mind" id="Presence_of_Mind"></a>Presence of Mind.</h2> + + +<p>Mr. Davenport—the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery +boys—before sailing for Europe and while attached to the +Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and hungry kind. In fact +he was extremely lean—tall as a may-pole, and slender +enough to crawl through a greased <i>fleute</i>,—to use a yankeeism.</p> + +<p>Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, +was suddenly "indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, +quite stupefied from the effect of the deadly poisons retailed +in the numerous groggeries that really swarm near the +Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport—a gentleman +who has reached a most honorable position in his profession +by sobriety and talent—was substituted for the indisposed +<i>Shylock</i>, and the play went on.</p> + +<p>In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the +house" by his vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and +hungry <ins title="aspsrations">aspirations</ins> for the pound of flesh! One of the +b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got quite worked +up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked +his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence +of mind,—our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of +flesh,—roars out;—</p> + +<p>"S'ay, look a' here,—<i>why don't you give skinny de meat, +don't you see he wants it, sa-a-a-y!</i>"</p> + +<p>We very naturally infer that "the piece" <i>went off with a rush!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="The_Skippers_Schooner" id="The_Skippers_Schooner"></a>The Skipper's Schooner.</h2> + + +<p>No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, +can be found, imagined or described, than the +skippers of along shore, from Connecticut river to Eastport, +Maine. These critters give full scope to the Hills and +Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and Falconbridges +of the press, to embody and sketch out in the +broadest possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these +"tarnal critters," it is my purpose to draw on for my brief +sketch, and I wish my readers to do me the credit to believe +that for little or no portion of my yarn or language am I +indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are +real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject.</p> + +<p>Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east +smack or schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes, +I believe, rounded off Cape Ann light, and owing to +head winds, or some other perversity of a nautical nature, +could no further go; so the skipper and his crew—one +man, green as catnip—made for an anchorage, and hove +the "hull consarn" to. Here they lay, and tossed and +chafed, at their moorings, for a day or two, without the +slightest indication on the part of the weather to abate the +nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his +little "dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions +to keep all fast, he pulled off to shore to take +a look around.</p> + +<p>Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time +after the departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind +sprang up, and not only blew great guns, but chopped up +a short, heavy sea, perfectly astonishing and alarming to +Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and pitching schooner. It +was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this sort of reeling +and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon discomboberated +his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and +dancing motion—better conceived by those who have seen +the sea elephant than described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick, +so sick he could not budge from the stern sheets, where he +had taken a squat in the early commencement of his difficulties. +In the mean time, the skipper came down to the +beach and hailed the victim:</p> + +<p>"Hel-<span class="smcap">lo</span>! hel-<span class="smcap">lo</span>!"</p> + +<p>Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward, +where stood his noble captain, he made an effort to +say over something:</p> + +<p>"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?"</p> + +<p>"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go +for'ard thar and hist the jib, take up the anchor, put your +helm a-lee, and beat up to town!"</p> + +<p>This was all very well, provided the skipper was there +to superintend, manage and carry out his voluble orders; +but as the surf prevented him from coming on board, and +the lightness of Hez's head militated against the almost +superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders, +things remained <i>in statu quo</i>, the skipper ashore, and Hez +fervently wishing he was too.</p> + +<p>"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?" +bawled the excited captain.</p> + +<p>"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner, +"how on airth am I to help it?"</p> + +<p>"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow +eout to sea afore long, sure as death!" responded the skipper; +and before he had fairly concluded his augury, sure +enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew round and +made a bee-line <i>for Cowes and a market!</i> This rather +brought Hezekiah to his oats—he riz, tottering and feeble, +on his shaky pins, and crawled forward to get up the jib.</p> + +<p>"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be," +bawled the almost frantic skipper, as the distance between +him and his vessel was increasing. "Put her abeout and +head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no kind of use in +talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his imperfect +nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely +bewildered and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying +over the seven commandments and other serious lessons +of youth, Hezekiah resigned himself to the tumultuous elements, +and concluded it philosophical and scriptural resignation +to let Providence and the old schooner fix out the +programme just as they might. It is commonly reported, +that our mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes +them on the briny deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in +and let their smacks rip along to the best of their knowledge +and ability. They seldom founder or get severely +scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having entered +the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly +unconcerned as to future developments. Night coming on, +the skipper saw his schooner fast departing out to sea, and +when she was no longer to be seen, he made tracks for Boston, +to report the melancholy facts to the owners of the +vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance.</p> + +<p>Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the +insurance was safe, he found himself in better spirits; so +he walked down along the wharves, to take a look out upon +the bay and shipping—when lo, and behold, he sees a vessel +so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not +refrain from exclaiming:</p> + +<p>"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus—if thar +don't come my old beauty and Hez Perkins, too—hurrah!"</p> + +<p>The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe +on a single string; and as the veritable schooner came +booming saucily up the bay before a spanking breeze, with +her jib spread, the skipper called out in a voice of thunder +and gladness:</p> + +<p>"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?"</p> + +<p>"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the +track for the Two Pollies!" And putting her head in +among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez let her rip and +smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed +on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate +Hezekiah, and they had a regular fraternal hug all round—and +Hezekiah Perkins, in behalf of his wonderful skill, +perseverance and luck, was unanimously voted first mate +of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a change +of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel +back into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick +spell by daylight, crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually +made the wharf, as we have described.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="of_the_Times" id="of_the_Times"></a>Philosophy of the Times.</h2> + + +<p>The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy +of outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast +than the bosom of the shirt. Who could doubt the heart +that beats beneath a cambric front? or who imagine that +hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in white +kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is +to the moral man—the one made human beings out of clay, +the other cuts characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is, +with us, a thing of the goose and shears.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="the_Poor_Author" id="the_Poor_Author"></a>The Emperor and the Poor Author.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"The pen is mightier than the sword."</p></div> + + +<p>Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very +small, and very mean, and sometimes very <i>rascally +acts</i>, but they are always fortunate in having any amount +of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and pillars, o'er +their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written in +memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed. +An American 74-gun ship would hardly float the +mountains of <i>tomes</i> written upon Bonaparte and his brilliant +career, as a soldier and a conqueror; but how precious +few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the misdeeds, +tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so +great a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators +be so reluctant to tell the truth of a great man's follies +and crimes, seeing with what convenience and fluency +they will <i>lie</i> for him? We contend, and shall contend, that +a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and that +one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is +enough to sully—tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant +deeds; but apparently, the accepted notion is—<i>vice versa</i>.</p> + +<p>In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber, +a poor, harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or +most curious costume, attracted much attention about the +vicinity in which he lived, and no doubt added somewhat +to the custom of his shop, itself a <i>bijou</i> as curious almost +as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do +with the queer outside of the <i>barber</i> or his <i>shop</i>, and we do +not now purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at +once proceed to the pith of our subject—the Emperor and +the poor Author, or Napoleon and his Spies—and in +which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a conspicuous part.</p> + +<p>Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring +enough to give an impartial <i>expose</i> of the history of the +Bonapartean times, seem to think that Napoleon committed +a great error in his accession to the throne, by doubting +the stability of his reign, and having pursued exactly measures +antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the +hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his +newly-acquired power. But we don't think so; the means +by which he obtained the giddy height, to a comprehensive +mind like his, at once suggested the necessity of vigilance, +promptness, and unflinching execution of whatever act, +however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his unsleeping +mind suggested—</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained."</p></div> + +<p>Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion—the +fearful hydra to all ambitious aspirants—to know +all <i>secrets</i> of the time and states, and render one half of the +great nations he held in his grasp spies upon the other! +The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink into +obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial <i>Espionage</i> of +Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the +tented field—whole armies, like so many pieces of chess in +the hands of a dexterous player—he sat upon his throne, +reclined upon his lounge or smoked in his bath, organized +and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in the +world—<i>an army of Spies!</i></p> + +<p>All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude—all conditions +of life, from peer to parvenu—from plough to the +anvil—pulpit to the bar—orators and beggars, soldiers and +sailors, male and female of every grade—men of the most +insinuating address, and women of the most seductive ages +and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and trained +to serve—in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster +of war used to call his <i>Cytherian Cohort!</i> Snares set +by these imperial policemen were difficult to avoid, from the +almost utter impossibility of suspicioning their presence or power.</p> + +<p>In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence +of the movements and <i>executions</i> of Napoleon, found it +prudent to shave off his moustache and titles, and change +the scene of his future life, as well as change his name. A +master of languages and a man of mind, he sought the +learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved +his incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace, +and other considerations due enlarged intellect, from those +not lacking that invaluable commodity themselves. Herr +Beethoven—the new title of our Italian "mi lord"—conceived +the project of convincing the mighty Emperor—the +hero of the sword—that so little a javelin as the pen could +puncture the <i>sac</i> containing all <i>his</i> great pretensions, and +let the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the +pen <i>was</i> mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed +writing a pamphlet <i>memorial</i>, involving the bombastic +pretensions, the gigantic extravagance and arrogant +ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well knew the +ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed +foes, involving such a <i>brochure</i>, and the caution +necessary with which he was to produce his work. But +Beethoven felt the necessity of the production; he possessed +the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow +man, and he determined to wield it and take the chances. +Though scarcely giving breath to his project—guarding +each page of his writing as vigilantly as though they were +each blessed with the enchantment of a <i>Koh-i-Noor</i>—a +mysterious agency discovered the fact—Napoleon shook in +his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the +following missive reached his royal eye:—</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Sire(!)</i>—A plot is brewing against your peace; the +safety of your throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My +informant, who has read the manuscripts, informs me that +he has never seen any thing better or more imposing, and +ingenious in argument and force, than the fellow's appeal to +all the crowned heads and people of Europe. It is calculated +to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs they +suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These +manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial +Majesty's Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world +combined against you, Sire.</p> + +<p>Leipsic, 1808. <span class="smcap">Baron De</span>——.</p></div> + +<p>Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the +mighty man, and the "little corporal" jumped into his +boots, and began to set the wheels of his great "expediency" +in motion. A message flew here, and another +there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one. +A dozen secretaries, and a score of <i>amanuensises</i> were instantly +at work, and the alarmed "Emperor of all the +French" fairly beat the <i>reveille</i> upon his diamond-cased +snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of an +alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they +were to lend enchantment by their rapid quills.</p> + +<p>Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers +were found scattered all over his little sanctum—the spies +had him and his effects, most promptly; but what was the +rage and disappointment of the emissaries of the wily +monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the dreaded <i>fiat!</i> +Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written?</p> + +<p>They had the <i>man</i>, but his flesh and blood were as valueless +as a pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery +of the <i>words</i> he had invested a few sheets of simple paper +with! They searched his clothes—tore up his bed, broke +up his furniture, powdered his few pieces of statuary, but +all in vain—the sought for, dreaded, and hated documents, +for which his <i>Imperial highness</i> would have secretly given +ten—twenty—fifty thousand <i>louis</i>—was not to be found! +The rage of the inquisitors was terrific—showing how +well they were chosen or paid, to serve in their atrocious +capacities. The poor scribe was promised all manner of unpleasant +<i>finales</i>, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed.</p> + +<p>"I have written nothing—published nothing, nor do I +intend to write or publish anything," was Beethoven's reply.</p> + +<p>"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors, +"and rely upon a generous monarch's benevolence. My +commission, sir, is limited to ascertain whether poverty has +not compelled you to write; if that be the case, speak out; +place any price upon your work—the price is nothing—I +will pay you at once and destroy your documents."</p> + +<p>"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are +most kind and liberal, and I regret extremely that it is <i>not</i> +in my power to avail myself of them. I again declare, sir, +that I have never written anything against the French government—your +information to the contrary is false and wicked."</p> + +<p>The spies, finding they could not gain any information of +the author, by threat or bribe, carried him to France, where +his doom was supposed to be sealed in torture and death, +in the <i>Bastile</i> of the Emperor.</p> + +<p>But where was this fearful manuscript—this dreaded +scribbling of the God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The +emissaries of his serene highness had the blood, bones, and +body of the wretched scribe, but where was that they feared +more than all the warlike forces of a million of the best +equipped forces of Europe—the paltry paper pellets of a +scholar's brain—the <i>memorial</i> to the crowned heads, and +people of the several shivering monarchies of continental Europe?</p> + +<p>A few brief hours—not two days—before the <i>pseudo</i> +Herr Beethoven was honored by the special considerations +and attentions of the Emperor of all the French—the conqueror +of a third, at least, of the civilized world—he had +conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the <i>most profound +confidence</i> he had revealed a slight whisper of his projects—impressed +with the foreshadowing that a mysterious +<i>something</i> dangerous was about to menace him, he made +way with the manuscripts, to which his soul clung as too +dear and precious to be destroyed—he gave them to the +charge of a tried friend—and before the <i>Cytherian Cohort</i> +were upon the threshold of the author, his <i>memorial</i> was +snugly ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a +gentleman and a man of letters, in the renowned city of +Prague. The alarm and friend's appearance seemed most +opportune—for an hour after the visitation of the one, the +other was at hand—the documents transferred and on their +way to their place of refuge.</p> + +<p>But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness—the +more the mystery of the manuscripts augmented—the +more enthusiastic became his research—the more formidable +appeared the necessity of grasping them; and the +determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they +served their purpose!</p> + +<p>"Bring me the manuscripts"—was the <i>fiat</i> of the Emperor: +"I care not <i>how</i> you obtain them—get them, <i>bring +them here</i>; and mark you, let neither money, danger nor fatigue, +oppose my will. Hence—bring the manuscripts!"</p> + +<p>Again Leipsic was invested by the <i>Cytherian Cohort</i> of +the modern Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great +little commandant of the most warlike nation of the earth. +The Baron ——, who was master of ceremonies in this +great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who had +given the information of the existence of the <i>memorial</i>. This +wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage +and treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious +information proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing +of ill news to vaunting ambition and quaking +imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was sure of the genuineness +of his information—he was much astonished that +the Baron had not seized the <i>memorial</i>, as well as the body +of the hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous +German conferred at length; an idea seemed to strike the spy.</p> + +<p>"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest. +"I saw a friend visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained +the same sentiments in regard to the Emperor—<i>that +man has the manuscripts</i>."</p> + +<p>Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the +hay stack—<i>the</i> pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor +urged, and the <i>Cytherian Cohort</i> plied their cunning and +perseverance. That <i>friend</i> of the poor author was found—he +was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and +children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in +vain he questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening +implements—blessed his children—kissed them, and was +hurried off, he knew not whither or wherefore! Shaubert was +this man's name; he was forty, a widower—a scholar, a +poet—liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women!</p> + +<p>It was Baron ——'s province to find out the weak points +of each victim.</p> + +<p>"If he has a <i>particular</i> regard for <i>poetry</i>, he does love +the fine arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens +of <i>fine arts</i>. I'll have him!"</p> + +<p>In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man, +confined for—he could not learn what. Every day, the yet +youthful and most fascinating, voluptuous and beautiful +daughter of the old man, visited his cell, which was adjoining +that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long before +she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower, +the poet—and sigh so piteously as to draw from the +victim, at first a holy poem, and at length an amative love +lay. Like fire into tow did this effusion of the poet's quill +inflame the breast and arouse the passions of the lovely +Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the +soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's +form(!), with implements as perfect as the very jailor's, +opened all the bolts and bars, and led the captive forth to +liberty! She would have the poet who had entranced +her, fly and leave her to her fate! But <i>poetry</i> scorned such +dastardy—it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to +stay, and torture to go—Bertha must fly with him. She +had a father—could she leave him in bondage? No! She +had rescued her lover—she braved more—released her +parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious means, and +giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the +flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia, +they found an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but +the deliverer from bondage, if not death, of her soul's idol; +he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a dozen poets, worshipped +at her feet and besought her to bless him evermore +by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something +imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the +heroic girl's eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with +most sad emotion. The poet pressed her to his heart—fell +at her feet, and begged that if his life—property—children—be +the sacrifice—but let him know the secret at once—he +was her friend—defender—lover—slave. Another sigh, +and the spell was broken.</p> + +<p>"Why—ah! why were you a state prisoner—a <i>secret</i> +prisoner in the ——?"</p> + +<p>"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell; +indeed I have not the merest <i>hint</i>, in my own mind, to tell +me for what I was arrested and thrown into prison!"</p> + +<p>"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then +wed the man I love—I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown +fate—at some moment least expected, to be torn +from his arms—lost to him forever!"</p> + +<p>"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to +other and more secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet +smile, my dear Bertha, obscurity—poverty would be nothing."</p> + +<p>"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father—the +land of my birth—home of my childhood. I that have given +you liberty, may point out a way to deliver you from further +restraint. How I learned the nature of your crime, ask +not; I know your secret."</p> + +<p>"Ah! what mean you?"</p> + +<p>"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with +downcast eyes and heaving bosom, "you impaled your +generous self to save a friend—the friend fled—you were arrested—"</p> + +<p>"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven——"</p> + +<p>"Gave you possession of——" she continued.</p> + +<p>"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring +not to breathe "yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver.</p> + +<p>"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own +life and liberty to preserve yours, I have——"</p> + +<p>"I—I know it all, dear—dearest angel, but——"</p> + +<p>"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but +melting gaze upon the poor victim.</p> + +<p>"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be——"</p> + +<p>"It is known—I know it—I learned it from your captors; +but for my <i>love</i>," said the girl, "mad—guilty love—your +life would have been forfeited—your house pillaged by the +emissaries of the Emperor, in quest of those manuscripts. +While they exist, Bertha cannot be happy—Bertha's love +must die with her—Bertha be ever miserable!"</p> + +<p>"I-a—I will—but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It +is false—false!" exclaimed the almost distracted poet.</p> + +<p>"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the +poet, and throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy +your love?"</p> + +<p>"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for +God's sake! Rise; let me at your feet swear, in answer—<i>No!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that +hated, damned viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of +Bertha. Give me the key of your misery; O! bless me—bless +your Bertha; give me those accursed manuscripts, +daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at +once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha, +the idol of your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!"</p> + +<p>This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked +the room, sighed, tore his <i>mouchoir</i>, oscillated between +honor and temptation—the angel form and syren tongue +of the woman triumphed. In course of a dozen hours, +Bertha, the lovely, enchanting <i>spy</i>, opened the secret +drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed +literary rubbish, the dreaded <i>memorial</i> was found—clutched +with the eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon +the verge of eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred +swift relays, the poor author's manuscripts were placed in +the hands of the mighty Emperor, and while he read their +fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid with +each scathing word of the <i>memorial</i>, he hurriedly issued +his orders—gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while +he made the spy a <i>countess</i>, he ordered hideous death to +the poor poet and despair and misery to his children.</p> + +<p>"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected +of a hand in this; let them be dealt with instantly—trouble +me not with detail, but give me sure returns. +Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg and tooth; +fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty—<i>fly!</i>"</p> + +<p>That <i>snake</i> was scotched and killed—the few brief pages +of an obscure author that drove sleep, appetite and peace +from the mighty Emperor, for days and nights—made busy +work for his thousands of emissaries—scattered his gold in +weighty streams—was read, cursed and destroyed, and all +suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in the +secret <i>memorial</i>, met a secret fate—death or prolonged wretchedness.</p> + +<p>Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being +overlooked in the hot pursuit of his production, and by the +blunder of those having charge of himself and hundreds of +other state prisoners—guilty or <i>suspected</i> opponents to the +vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended his +own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean +isle—was liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond +the reach of monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven +came to America and settled in Philadelphia, where, +in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and pruner +of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the +residue of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in +their profoundest philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired, +grotesque-looking barber, who tweaked their plebeian +noses and combed their caputs, once rejoiced in grand heraldic +escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a veritable +Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the +feet of a second Alexander!</p> + +<p>But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full +of change and mystery.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="the_Better_Luck" id="the_Better_Luck"></a>The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck.</h2> + + +<p>The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the +most scientific crucifiers of the <i>violin</i> we ever heard, +gave us a call t'other day, and not only discoursed heavenly +music upon his instrument, but gave us the "nub" of a +few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard +spent last winter in a tour over the State of <i>Maine</i> and +Canada. During this <i>cool</i> excursion, he got way up among +the <i>wood</i>-choppers and <i>log</i>-men of the Aroostook and +Penobscot country. These wood-chopping and log-rolling +gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly, free-and-easy, +hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about +there live in very primitive style; their camps and houses +are very useful, but not much addicted to the "ornamental." +Howard had a very long, tedious and perilous +<i>tramp</i>, on foot, during a part of his peregrinations, and +coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men, he laid +up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building +of the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the +weather was intensely cold—house crowded, and wood and +game plenty. After a hard day's toil, in snow and water, +these log-men felt very much inclined, to sleep. A huge +fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea things" +were put away, Howard gave them a <i>choon</i> or two, and then +the woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps—into a capacious +loft overhead, and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins +and straw, enjoyed their sound and refreshing sleep—with +a slight drawback.</p> + +<p>Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called +and known among them as—<i>Old Tantabolus!</i> He was a +wiry and hardy old rooster; though his frosty poll spoke +of the many, many years he had "been around," his body +was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man +was a grand spinner of yarns; he had been all around +creation, and various other places not set down in the maps. +He had been a soldier and sailor: been blown up and shot +down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to: suffered +from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns +and smiles of fortune—especially the <i>frowns</i>; in short, according +to old man Tantabolus's own account of himself, +he had seen more ups and downs, and made more narrow +and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and Gulliver +both together—with Baron Trenck into the bargain!</p> + +<p>For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being +fresh and novel, he was quite a <i>lion</i> among the woodmen, +but now that the novelty had worn off, and they'd got +used to his long yarns, they voted him "an old bore!" The +old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong +enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would +eat his supper, light his pipe—sit down by the fire, and +spin yarns, as long as a listener remained, and longer. In +short, Old Tantabolus would <i>spin</i> them all to bed, and +then make their heads spin, with the clouds of <i>baccy</i> smoke +with which he'd fill the <i>ranche</i>.</p> + +<p>Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old +chap would wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then +turning out again, between daybreak and midnight, Old +Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of fresh wood—raise +a roaring fire—make the <i>ranche</i> hot enough to roast +an ox, then treat all hands to another <i>stifling</i> with his +old <i>calumet</i>, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a—</p> + +<p>"A-booh! oo-<i>oo!</i>" by one of the lodgers, overhead.</p> + +<p>"Boo-oo-<i>ooh!</i> Old Tantabolus's got that—booh-oo-oo-<i>oo</i>,—pipe +of his'n again,—boo-oo-oo!" chimed another.</p> + +<p>"A-a-a-<i>chee!</i> oo-oo-augh-h-h-<i>ch-chee!</i> +Cuss that—a-<i>chee</i>—pipe. +Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out +that—a-<i>chee!</i>—darn'd old pipe!" bawled another.</p> + +<p>"A'<i>nand</i>?" was the old fellow's usual reply.</p> + +<p>"A-boo-ooh-<i>ooh!</i>" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's +call, in a gale of wind, would be issued from the throat of +an old "logger," as the fumigacious odor interfered with +his respiratory arrangements, and then would follow a miscellaneous—</p> + +<p>"A-<i>chee</i>-o! Ah-<i>chee!</i> boo-ooh-oo-<i>ooh!</i>" tapering off +with divers curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and +his villanous habits of arousing "the whole community" in +"the dead watches and middle of the night," with heat and +smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could apparently endure.</p> + +<p>At length, a private <i>caucus</i> was held, and a diabolical +plan set, to put a summary end to the grievous nuisances +engendered by Old Tantabolus—"<i>let's blow him up!</i>"</p> + +<p>And this they agreed to do in <i>this</i> wise. Before "retiring +to rest," as we say in civilized <i>parlance</i>, the lodging +community were in the habit of laying in a surplus of +firewood, alongside of the capacious fire-place, in order—should +a very common occurrence <i>occur</i>,—i. e., a fall of +snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders +might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, +until they could work out and provide more. But Old +Tantabolus was in the wasteful practice of turning out and +burning up all this extra fuel; so the caucus agreed to bore +an inch and a quarter hole into a solid stick—pack it with +powder—lay it among the wood, and when Old Tantabolus +<i>riz</i> to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and +disappear—<i>in a blue blaze!</i> Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, +quite unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told +his yarns, next evening, with greater <i>gusto</i> than usual, and +one after another of his listeners finally dropped off to <i>roost</i>, +in the loft above, leaving the old man to go it alone—finish +his pipe, stagnate the air and go to his bunk, which, +as was his wont to do—he did. Stillness reigned supreme; +though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent +confidence, many of his no less weary companions +above—watched for the approaching <i>tableaux!</i> And they +were gratified, to their heart's content, for the tableaux <i>came!</i></p> + +<p>"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old <i>Tanty's</i> about +to wake up!" and then some dozen of the upper story +lodgers, who had kept their peepers open to enjoy the fun, +began to spread around and pull away the loose straw in +order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the +old rooster gave a long yawn—"Aw-w-w-w-<i>um!</i>" flirted +off his "kiverlids" and got up, making a slow move towards +the fire-place, reaching which, he gave an extra +"Aw-w-w-<i>um!</i>" knocked the ashes out of his pipe—filled +it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it +a few whiffs, and then said:</p> + +<p>"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start +up a good fire." Then he went to work to cultivate a +blaze, with a few chips and light sticks of dry wood.</p> + +<p>"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a +bite, before you know it!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a <i>goner</i>, Old Tantabolus!" +says another, in a pig's whisper.</p> + +<p>"There! there he's got the fire up—now look out!"</p> + +<p>"He's got the stick—"</p> + +<p>"Goin' to clap it on!"</p> + +<p>"Now it's on!"</p> + +<p>"Look out for fun, by George, look out!"</p> + +<p>"He'll blow the house up!"</p> + +<p>"Godfrey! s'pose he does?"</p> + +<p>"What an infernal <i>wind</i> there is this morning!" says the +old fellow, hearing the <i>buzz</i> and indistinct whispering +overhead; "guess it's snowin' like <i>sin</i>; I'll jist start up this +fire and go out and see." But, he had scarcely reached +and opened the door, when—"<i>bang-g-g!</i>" went the log, +with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not +only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose +flooring—setting the straw beds in a blaze—filling the +house with smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general +and indiscriminate <i>rush</i> of the practical jokers in the loft, +to make an escape from the now burning building; but the +step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril +of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of +the <i>ranche!</i> The only one who escaped the real danger +was Old Tantabolus, the intended victim, whose remark +was, after the flurry was over—"Boys, arter this, <i>be careful +how you lay your powder round!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="An_Active_Settlement" id="An_Active_Settlement"></a>An Active Settlement.</h2> + + +<p>Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, +Texas; the inhabitants mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, +Borax, or some of the other historians, by hunting. +The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved now and +then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by +relieving straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man +engaged in a quiet smoke, sees a deer or bear sneaking +around, and by taking down his rifle, has steaks for breakfast, +and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his door. +Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and +bloom spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear +buck-skin trowsers, coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, +and alligator-hide boots. Old San Jacinto walked into +the Senate last winter—fresh from home—with a panther-skin +vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that Texas.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="in_a_Pork-house" id="in_a_Pork-house"></a>A Yankee in a Pork-house</h2> + + +<p>"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork +here?" said a looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.</p> + +<p>"Pork!" echoes a decidedly <i>Green</i> Mountain biped, at +the elbow of the first speaker.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I vow it's quite as-<i>tonishing</i> how much pork is +sold here and <i>et</i> up by somebody," continued the old gent.</p> + +<p>"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat +resembled a fat lath, and whose general <i>contour</i> made +it self-evident that <i>he</i> was not given much to frivolity, +jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or perfumed and "fixed +up" barberality extravagance.</p> + +<p>"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his +hands rested in the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his +eyes rested upon the first speaker.</p> + +<p>"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, <i>I</i> guess?"</p> + +<p>"No, I never was," says the old gent.</p> + +<p>"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been <i>in</i> a +Pork-haouse?"</p> + +<p>"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?"</p> + +<p>"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon +not—don't begin—'tain't nothin' like—not a speck in a +puddle to a Pork-haouse—a Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!"</p> + +<p>"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty +stiff, out there," says the old gentleman.</p> + +<p>"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to +me, I knew yeou somewhere?" says our Yankee.</p> + +<p>"You might," cautiously answers the old gent.</p> + +<p>"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?"</p> + +<p>"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir."</p> + +<p>"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, I'm not <i>in</i> business, at all, sir," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"Not? Oh,"—thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no +matter, I thought p'raps yeou were from up aour way—I'm +from near Maoun-Peelier—State of Varmount."</p> + +<p>"Ah, indeed?"</p> + +<p>"Ya-a-s."</p> + +<p>"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent.</p> + +<p>"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"—was the abstracted response of Yankee, +who seemed to be revolving something in his own mind.</p> + +<p>"Raise a great deal of wool—fine sheep country?"</p> + +<p>"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the +everlasting hog craop!"</p> + +<p>"Think not, eh?" said the old gent.</p> + +<p>"I swow <i>teu</i> pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, +afore breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this +buildin' clean open!"</p> + +<p>"You don't tell me so?"</p> + +<p>"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?"</p> + +<p>"I said not."</p> + +<p>"Never in a Pork-haouse?"</p> + +<p>"Never."</p> + +<p>"Wall, yeou've hearn tell—of Ohio, I reckon?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer.</p> + +<p>"Yeou don't say so?"</p> + +<p>"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent.</p> + +<p>"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living +aout there; one's trading, t'other's keepin' school; may +be yeou know 'em—Sampson Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's +t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his fa'ther, no, his +<i>mother</i> married—'tain't no matter; my name's Small,—Appogee +Small, and I was talkin'——"</p> + +<p>"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses."</p> + +<p>"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at +Cincinnatty—teu weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, +they do deu business there; beats Salvation haow they go +it on steamboats—bust ten a day and build six!"</p> + +<p>"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs——"</p> + +<p>"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;—fus +thing you meet is a string—'bout a mile long, of big and +little critters, greasy and sassy as sin; buckets and bags +full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs of hogs. Foller +up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou +go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu +an almighty large haouse—big as all aout doors, and a +feller steps up to me and says he:—</p> + +<p>"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?'</p> + +<p>"'Yeou deu?' says I.</p> + +<p>"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was.</p> + +<p>"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, +we'll send a feller with you!'</p> + +<p>"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, +daown stairs—aout in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou +should jist seen the hogs—couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!"</p> + +<p>"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent.</p> + +<p>"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; +sech cussin' and hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one +eend of the lot and punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech +a smell of hogs and fat, <i>brissels</i> and hot water, I swan <i>teu</i> +pucker, I never did cal'late on, afore!</p> + +<p>"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers +kept a craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there +two fellers kept a shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang +of the all-firedest dirty, greasy-looking fellers <i>aout</i>—stuck +'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore yeou could say Sam +Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the lot—killed—scalded +and scraped."</p> + +<p>"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent.</p> + +<p>"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many +hogs deu yeou cal'late them fellers killed and scraped a day?"</p> + +<p>"Couldn't possibly say—hundreds, I expect."</p> + +<p>"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill +thirteen hundred in teu hours;—did, by golly!"</p> + +<p>"Yeou don't say so?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>. And a feller with grease enough abaout him +to make a barrel of saft soap, said that when they hurried +'em up some they killed, scalded and scraped ten thousand +hogs in a day; and when they put on the steam, twenty +thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single day!"</p> + +<p>"I want to know!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they +scalded the critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, +it was amazin' how the <i>brissels</i> flew! Afore a hog knew +what it was all abaout, he was bare as a punkin—a hook +and tackle in his <i>snaout</i>, and up they snaked him on to the +next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in +and up through the scuttles—jest in one stream!</p> + +<p>"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller.</p> + +<p>"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a +hacken on 'em up. By golly, it was deth to particular +people the way the fat and grease <i>flew!</i> Two <i>whacks</i>—fore +and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say—split the hog; +one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of +sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered—grabbed and +carried off to another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' +chaps layed to and cut and skirted around;—hams +and shoulders were going one way, sides and middlins another +way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't 'pear +to be full of flying pork—in hams, sides, scraps and greasy +fellers—rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they +were saltin' and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other +place they were frying aout the lard—fillin' barrels, from a +regular river of fat, coming aout of the everlastin' biggest +bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked the feller +if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped +the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he +s'pected. He said they were not hurryin' then, but if I +would come in, some day, when 'steam was up,' he'd show +me quick work in the pork business—knock daown, drag +aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel <i>before +he got through squealin'!</i></p> + +<p>"Hello! Say!—'Squire, gone?"</p> + +<p>The old gent was—<i>gone</i>; the <i>last brick</i> hit him!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="German_Caution" id="German_Caution"></a>German Caution</h2> + + +<p>Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the +vicinity of Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand +dollars. Last week, a lot of land speculators called on him +to "buy him out." On asking his price, he said he would +take "sixty tousand dollars—no less."</p> + +<p>"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"</p> + +<p>"Nine tousand dollars."</p> + +<p>"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.</p> + +<p>"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."</p> + +<p>Ain't that Dutch.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Great_Dog_Sell" id="Great_Dog_Sell"></a>Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell.</h2> + + +<p>A great many dogmas have been written, and may +continue to be written, on dogs. Confessing, once, +to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" for the canine +race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we +live to wonder how men—to say nothing of spinsters of an +uncertain age—can heap money and affections upon these +four-legged brutes, whose sole utility is to doze in the +corner or kennel, terrify stray children, annoy horsemen, +and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a +poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use +for dogs in the city, and precious little <i>use</i> for them any +where else; and as <i>Boz</i> says of oysters—you always find a +preponderance of dogs where you find the most poor people. +Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs, especially +after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the +rowdies, you will find the dogs a still greater and more +atrocious nuisance. No rowdy, or gentleman at large, in +the <i>Quaker City</i>, feels <i>finished</i>, without a lean, lank, hollow +dog trotting along at their heels; while the butchers and +horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and dastardly +curs, perfectly astounding—to us. This brings us to a +short and rather pithy story of a dog <i>sell</i>.</p> + +<p>Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen +highly "posted up" on dogs, and who could talk <i>hoss</i> and dog +equal to a Lord Bentick, or Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," +or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were congregated in a +famous resort, a place known as <i>Hollahan's</i>. A dog-fight +that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the +"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the +result of the battle, and the respective merits of the two +dogs. Words waxed warm, and the disputants grew boisterously +eloquent upon dogs of high and low degree,—dogs +they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we +much doubt, if ever before or since—this side of "Seven +Dials" or St. Giles', there was a more thorough and animated +discussion, on dogs, witnessed.</p> + +<p>An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises +might have led a disciple of <i>Paley</i> to imagine they had +caused a secret enjoyment within, sat back in the nearest +corner, towards the stove, a most attentive auditor to the +thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a dog was +coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently +unconcerned upon the subject.</p> + +<p>"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over +t'other, and taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; +"look here, boys, you're talkin' about <i>dogs!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.</p> + +<p>"Dogs," echoes the old one.</p> + +<p>"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."</p> + +<p>"What do you know about <i>dogs?</i>" says a full-blown +<i>Jakey</i>, looking sharply at the old fellow.</p> + +<p>"Know about <i>dogs?</i>"</p> + +<p>"A' yes-s," says <i>Jakey</i>. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, +you don't know a Spaniel from a butcher's <i>cur!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may +be I <i>don't</i>, but it's <i>my</i> 'pinion you'd make a sorry <i>fiste</i> at +best, if you had tail and ears a little longer!"</p> + +<p>This <i>sally</i> amused all but the young gentleman who "run +wid de machine," and attracted general attention towards +the old man, in whose eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly +share of mother wit and shrewdness. <i>Jakey</i> backing +down, another of the by-standers put in.</p> + +<p>"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"</p> + +<p>"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening +to your dog talk—confounded dry!"</p> + +<p>"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the +dog fanciers, thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get +some fun out of him. "What'll you drink?—come up, daddy."</p> + +<p>"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger +drank; then giving his lips a wipe with the back of his +hand, and drawing out a long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again +took his seat, observing, as he partially aroused his ugly +and cross-grained mongrel—</p> + +<p>"Here's a <i>dog</i>, boys."</p> + +<p>"That <ins title="you're">your</ins> dog, dad?" asked several.</p> + +<p>"That's my dog, boys. He <i>is</i> a dog."</p> + +<p>"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.</p> + +<p>"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" +asked one.</p> + +<p>"Breed? He ain't any breed, <i>he</i> ain't. Stand up, Barney, +(jerking up the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no +breed, boys; look at him—see his tushes; growl, Barney, +growl!—Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed, boys; +<i>he's original stock!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Well, so I was going to say," says one.</p> + +<p>"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."</p> + +<p>"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, +boys; I wouldn't sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a +powder horn—so much talkin' makes one dry."</p> + +<p>"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.</p> + +<p>"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good +sperrets, boys, and that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed +bar-keeper), o' your'n is like my dog—<i>can't be beat!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you +get your dog?"</p> + +<p>"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth +a back-hander, and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, +I'll tell you, boys, all about it."</p> + +<p>"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," +they cried.</p> + +<p>"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here +at the Risin' Sun Tavern?"</p> + +<p>"We've heard of him, daddy—go on," says they.</p> + +<p>"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he +was a pizen mean man, but his wife—wasn't she mean? +Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread with butter afore we +sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter pound +of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as +much left."</p> + +<p>"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about +your <i>dog</i>."</p> + +<p>"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy +owned this dog; set up, Barney—look at his ears, +boys—great, ain't they? Well, Ben's wife was mean—meaner +than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any +thing that <i>et</i>; she considered any body, except her and her +daughter (a pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread +and two cups of coffee at a meal, <i>awful!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Blow the old woman; tell us about the <i>dog</i>, poppy," +said they.</p> + +<p>"Now, I'm coming to the pint—but, Lord! boys, I never +was so dry in my life. I am dry—plaguy dry," said the +old one.</p> + +<p>"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," +said the dog men; "now let her slide. How about the <i>dog?</i>"</p> + +<p>"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the +bar-keeper), I don't find such sperrets as that <i>often</i>. Well, +boys, as you're anxious to hear about the dog, I'll tell you +all about him. You see, the old woman and Ben. was allers +spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and 'specially about this +dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller wanted to +buy a good dog, down to the <i>drove yard</i>, and he takes +Barney—stand up, Barney—see that, boys; how quick he +minds! Great dog, he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and +down he goes to the <i>drove yard</i>. He met the feller; the +feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney <i>was</i> a dog—he +looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the +dog Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog—but, boys, +I'm gittin' dry—<i>rotted dry</i>—"</p> + +<p>"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says +the boys.</p> + +<p>"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make +us an offer for him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that +feller's first offer was?"</p> + +<p>The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; +some one price, some another, all the way from five to fifty +dollars—the old fellow continuing to say "No," until they +gave it up.</p> + +<p>"Well, boys, I'll tell you—that feller, after looking and +looking at Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an +hour—<i>didn't offer a red cent for him!</i> Ben. come home in +disgust and give the dog to me—there he is. Now, boys, +we'll have that sperrets."</p> + +<p>But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit—<i>mizzled!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Perils_of_Wealth" id="Perils_of_Wealth"></a>The Perils of Wealth</h2> + + +<p>Money is admitted to be—there is no earthly use of +dodging the fact—the lever of the whole world, by +which it and its multifarious cargo of men and matters, mountains +and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal, woe, warfare and +women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season. It +is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death. +Where it makes one man a happy <i>Christian</i>, it makes ten +thousand miserable <i>devils</i>. It is no use to argufy the matter, +for money is the "root of all evil," more or less, and—as +Patricus Hibernicus is supposed to have said of a single +feather he reposed on—if a dollar gives some men so much +uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has formed +the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish +that they were all imbued, as our present story is, with—more +irresistible mirth than misery. Lend us your ears.</p> + +<p>Not long ago, one of our present well-known—or ought +to be, for he is a man of parts—business men of Boston, +resided and carried on a small "trade and dicker" in the +city of Portland. By frugal care and small profits, he had +managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in <i>halves</i>, +finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash, +he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of <i>small +cities</i>; and he concluded that Portland was hardly big +enough for a man of his pecuniary heft! In short, he began +to feel the importance of his position in the world of finance, +and conceived the idea that it would be a sheer waste of +time and energy to stay in Portland, while with <i>his</i> capital, +he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the millionaires +and hundred thousand dollar men!</p> + +<p>"Yes," said B——, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to +stay here any longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But +what will I do with my money? How will I invest it? +Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before I conclude +to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," +he continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his +sanctum; "I'll not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going +to Boston to see how business is there in my line; and my +money I'll put in an old cigar box, and—"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>B—— was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his +hand. His "good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was +uttered, and for the tenth time he charged his better half +to be careful of the fire, (he occupied a frame house,) see +that the doors were all locked at night, and "be sure and +fasten the cellar doors."</p> + +<p>B—— had got out on to the pavement, with no time to +spare to reach the cars in season; yet he halted—ran back—opened +the door, and in evident concern, bawled out to +his wife—</p> + +<p>"Caddie!"</p> + +<p>"Well?" she answered.</p> + +<p>"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!"</p> + +<p>"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of +the house.</p> + +<p>"And whatever you do, <i>don't forget them cellar doors</i>, Caddie!"</p> + +<p>"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B——, +lickety split, for the Boston train.</p> + +<p>After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern +Athens, B—— found an opening—a good one—to go into +business, as he desired, upon a liberal scale; but he found +vent for the explosion of one very hallucinating idea—his +six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a most infinitesimal +<i>circumstance</i>, a mere "flea bite;" would do very well +for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable +business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation +among the monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and +"bears" on 'change. However, this realization was more +than counter-balanced by another fact—"confidence" was a +largely developed <i>bump</i> on the business head of Boston, +and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an +abundance of good business qualifications—spirit, energy, +talent and tact—they were bound to see him through! In +short, B——, the great Portland capitalist, found things +about right, and in good time, and in the best of spirits, +started for home, determining, in his own mind, to give his +wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact +that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred +silver dollars, and about to move his <i>institution</i>—but the +better half of a gentleman on the verge of a new campaign +as a Boston business man.</p> + +<p>"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B——; +"how she'll go in; for she's had a great desire to live in +Boston these five years, but thinks I'm in debt, and don't +begin to believe I've got them six hundred all hid away +down——. But I'll surprise her!"</p> + +<p>B—— had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his +house, with his mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful +tidings and grand surprise in store for Mrs. B., when a +sudden change came over the spirit of his dream! As he +gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading +day, he thought—yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, +barrels of lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other +building and repairing materials, strewn in the rear of his +domicil! The cellar doors—those wings of the subterranean +recesses of his house—which he had cautioned, earnestly +cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and +securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of +his abode looked quite dreary and haunted.</p> + +<p>"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B——, rushing into the +rear door of his domestic establishment, to the no small +surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a premature—</p> + +<p>"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?"</p> + +<p>"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't +I earnestly beg of you to keep those doors—cellar doors—shut? fastened?"</p> + +<p>"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? +Why, there's nothing in the cellar."</p> + +<p>"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B——.</p> + +<p>"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded +the wife; "there is nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, +our drain and Mrs. A.'s drain got choked up; she +went to the landlord about it; he sent some men, they examined +the drain, and came back to-day with their tools +and things, and went down the cellar."</p> + +<p>"<i>Down the cellar?</i>" gasped B——, quite tragically.</p> + +<p>"Down <i>the</i> cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B.</p> + +<p>"Give me a light—quick, give me a light, Caroline!"</p> + +<p>"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the +potatoes, the meat, the squashes."</p> + +<p>"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a +light!" and with a genuine melo-drama rush, B—— seized +the lamp from his wife's hand, and down the cellar stairs he +went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was heard—</p> + +<p>"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!"</p> + +<p>With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down +the stairs, to her husband. He had dropped the lamp—all +was dark as a coal mine.</p> + +<p>"Fred—Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you +done?" cried his wife, in intense agony and doubt.</p> + +<p>"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed.</p> + +<p>"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?"</p> + +<p>"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing +murder on one another?" came a voice from above stairs.</p> + +<p>"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker.</p> + +<p>"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get +skeert. Is thare robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?"</p> + +<p>This brought B—— to his proper reckoning. He +ordered his wife to "go up," and he followed, and upon +reaching the room, he found quite a gathering of the neighbors. +He was as white as a white-washed wall, and the +neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or +a chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel +the mystery, B—— informed them that he had merely gone +down cellar to see what the masons, &c., had been doing—dropped +his lamp—his wife screamed—and that was all +about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook +their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner +had they gone, than B—— seized his hat and cut stick for +the office of a cunning, far-seeing limb of the law, leaving +Mrs. B. in a state of mental agitation better imagined than +described. B—— stated his case—he had buried six hundred +dollars in a box under the <i>lee</i> of the cellar-wall, and +gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would +suit, a parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, +must come and go right there and then to dig—get the six +hundred dollars and clear.</p> + +<p>After a long chase, law and bother, B—— recovered half +his money—packed up and came to Boston.—There's a +case for you! Beware of money!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Nursing_a_Legacy" id="Nursing_a_Legacy"></a>Nursing a Legacy.</h2> + + +<p>Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not +very sure business; sometimes it pays and sometimes +it don't. I know a genius who lost by it, and his +case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun +in it.</p> + +<p>Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, +and a resident of a small town in the lower part of +Delaware, began life on a very limited capital, and because +of a natural disposition indigenous to the climate and customs +of his native place—general apathy and unmitigated +<i>patience</i> peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, +amid the stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken +country—Lev never increased it. Lev had an +uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or child," and was +reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was proverbially +mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half +of the people who knew him. He had a small estate, had +lived long, and by his close-fisted manner of life, it was believed +that Gunter had laid by a pretty considerable pile +of the root of all evil, for something or somebody; and +one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion +that as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon +resign his interests in all worldly gear, <i>he</i> would volunteer +to console the declining years of his dear old uncle, by his +own pleasant company and encouragement, and the old man +very gladly accepted the proposals of Lev, to cut wood, +dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and dilapidated +farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation +and long service he had worn them about out; he +had little or no "stock" upon his <i>farm</i>, quite as scant an +assortment of utensils, few fences, and in fact, to any actively +disposed individual, the general appearance and state +of affairs about old Gunter's <i>place</i> would have given the +double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf +and lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic +evolutions, so he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's +dilapidated farm, as he was annoyed by the beggarly way +the old man lived, and the assiduous desire he seemed to +manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering chips, +patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he +and the two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely +raising enough to keep soul and body of the party together.</p> + +<p>At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too +much for Lev Smith's constitution, but the great object in +view consoled him, and the more he saw of the old man's +meanness, the more and more he took it for granted that his +uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after three +years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking +down; the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had +served so long a time, so patiently and lovingly, and the +old man apparently upon his very last legs—it seemed a +ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give out, so he made +up his mind to—wait a little longer. Another year rolled +on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got +the more assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors +wondered how a young man <i>could</i> stick on, and put up +with such a miserly, mean, selfish and penurious old curmudgeon +as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized +of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, +and not unfrequently said, in a groaning voice:</p> + +<p>"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the +Lord it was in your poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's +distressed power to—"</p> + +<p>"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most +deceitfully respond; "I ask nothing for myself; what I do, +I <i>do</i> willingly!"</p> + +<p>"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, +miserable, wretched uncle don't deserve it."</p> + +<p>"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, +and I'll do it."</p> + +<p>"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle +will be grateful—we'll see."</p> + +<p>"I know that—I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe—and +that's enough, <i>all</i> I ask."</p> + +<p>"And if he don't—poor, miserable old creature,—if he +don't pay you, the Lord will, Levi!"</p> + +<p>"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says +the humbugging nephew. And so they went, Lev not only +waiting on the old man with the tender and faithful care of +a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender resources +ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways +and matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged +and quartered before he would in a like manner done likewise. +But the end came—the old fellow held on toughly; he never +died until Lev's patience, hope and slender income were +quite threadbare; so he at last went off the handle—Lev +buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny fashion.</p> + +<p>Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's +affairs in grief and solicitude. Another party also awaited +the upshot of the matter, with due solemnity and expectation, +and that party was Polly Williams, Lev's "intended," +and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev +Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, +but sure to get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth +in the world, and therefore, with more craft and diligence, +if possible, than Lev practised, the Williamses set Polly's +cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was not unmindful of the +fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as his two +children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright +and propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on +hand at Squire Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the +estate of the deceased settled.</p> + +<p>As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of +the neighbors were on hand—old Williams, of course.</p> + +<p>"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire.</p> + +<p>"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his +bandanna, and smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good +man, 'Squire."</p> + +<p>"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number +of the neighbors shook their head and stroked their beards, +as if to say amen.</p> + +<p>"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he +mout not," continued the Squire; "some thinks he was +not; I only say he was a queer old mortal, and here's his +will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c., +&c.," continued the Squire.</p> + +<p>"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor <i>dear</i> old man!"</p> + +<p>"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire.</p> + +<p>"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how <i>I</i> shall miss him in +this world of sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams +bit his skinny lips, and the neighbors again stroked their beards.</p> + +<p>"To comfort my declining years—"</p> + +<p>"Poor, <i>dear</i> old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I +could do," groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do +half enough."</p> + +<p>"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world—" +continued the 'Squire.</p> + +<p>"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev.</p> + +<p>"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev +looked vacantly over his handkerchief, at the Squire), I +have made up my mind (Lev all attention) that no mortal +shall benefit by me; I have therefore <ins title="mortaged">mortgaged</ins> and sold +(Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's +value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where +none but the devil himself can find it!"</p> + +<p>There was a general snicker and stare—all eyes on Lev, +his face as blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's +countenance fell into a concatenation of grimaces and +wrinkles—language fails to describe!</p> + +<p>"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his +glasses. "Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects +something (Lev brightens up, old Williams grins!)—he +has hung around me for a long time, expecting it (Lev's +jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years +boarding and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present +of my two old negroes, Ben and Dinah."</p> + +<p>"The—the—the—cussed old screw," bawls old Williams.</p> + +<p>"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, +miserable old scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with +virtuous indignation, and swinging his doubled up fists.</p> + +<p>"And you—you—you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, +hypocritical skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his +bony fingers in poor Lev's face, the neighbors grinning +from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my Polly, in this +yer way. Now clear yourself—take them old niggers, don't +leave 'em here for the crows to eat—clear yourself!"</p> + +<p>Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old +Ben and Dinah to the tender mercies of a quite miserable +and equally wretched neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't +"take on" much about the matter, but in the course of a +few weeks took another venture in love's lottery, and—was +married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his +childhood, a wiser and a poorer man.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="of_a_Mover" id="of_a_Mover"></a>The Troubles of a Mover.</h2> + + +<p>"Mr. Flash in?"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."</p> + +<p>"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.</p> + +<p>"Guess not, my son; I live here."</p> + +<p>"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here."</p> + +<p>"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan.</p> + +<p>"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," +says little breeches.</p> + +<p>Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, +then says he—</p> + +<p>"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come +here, for us."</p> + +<p>The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet +unplaced household effects—for Flannigan had just moved +in—and Flannigan calls for Mrs. F. The lady appears and +denies all knowledge of any such purchases, or reception +of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears out.</p> + +<p>In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces +another customer. Flannigan being at work in +the parlor, answers the call; he opens the door, and there +stands "a greasy citizen."</p> + +<p>"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir."</p> + +<p>"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives +here, got this bill agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, +per-visions."</p> + +<p>"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know +you, or owe you, of course!"</p> + +<p>"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, <i>any how</i>;" growls +our greasy citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?"</p> + +<p>"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan.</p> + +<p>"You can't?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not."</p> + +<p>"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher.</p> + +<p>"No more than the man in the moon!"</p> + +<p>"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge <i>me</i>, in no sich a way," +says the butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, +you may tell him so!—for <i>me!</i>" growls the butcher.</p> + +<p>"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, +don't know him from Adam, as I've already told <i>you</i>," +says Flannigan, closing the door—the "greasy citizen" +walking down the steps muttering thoughts that breathe and +words that burn!</p> + +<p>Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the +centre table, to hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor +wall, when another ring was heard of the bell. He called +to his little daughter to open the door and see what was wanted.</p> + +<p>"Is your fadder in, ah?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she +could reach the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in.</p> + +<p>"Goot mornin', I bro't de <i>pills</i> in."</p> + +<p>"Pills?" says Flannigan.</p> + +<p>"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars +foof'ey cents. I vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees +you was run away."</p> + +<p>"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought +bread of you!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Vaw's!</i> Tonner a' blitzen!—don't owes me!"</p> + +<p>"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing—hammer in +hand, upon the top of the table.</p> + +<p>"<i>Vaw's!</i> you goin' thrun away and sheet me, <i>ah</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've +just moved in here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw +me before, and of course I never dealt with you!—don't +you see?"</p> + +<p>"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat +you vant, to sheet me out mine preet, you raskills—I go +fetch the con-stabl's, de shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have +mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off rushes the enraged +man of dough, upsetting the various small articles piled up +on the bureau in the hall—by <i>wanging</i> to the door.</p> + +<p>Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near +dashing his hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping +there was an end to the annoyances he kept at work, until +another ring of the bell announced another call. The Irish +girl went to the door; Flannigan listens—</p> + +<p>"Mr. Flash in?"</p> + +<p>"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan +was the same in Dutch. "Would yees come in, sir," and +in comes the young man.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested +sir, with the bill of that china set, &c."</p> + +<p>"Mistake, sir—I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan.</p> + +<p>"Isn't your name Flash, sir!"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, my name's <i>Flannigan</i>. I've just moved here."</p> + +<p>"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash +gone to, do you know."</p> + +<p>"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all +this morning by persons that scoundrel appears to owe. +He moved out of here, day before yesterday; I took his +unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling, having noticed +it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and he +cleared for California, I believe."</p> + +<p>This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that +his "firm" was <i>done</i>, and the young man and <i>his</i> bill +stepped out. Another <i>ring</i>, and Flannigan opens the door; +two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had been buying some +tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a +fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements +poor Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, +cash down! These gentlemen felt very vindictive, of course, +and hinted awful strong that Flannigan was privy to Flash's +movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan losing +his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to vamose!—they +did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" +as they walked away!</p> + +<p>The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" +in the back parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl +answered the call, and returned with a bill of sundry groceries, +handed in by a man at the door.</p> + +<p>"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone—left—don't know him, +and don't want to know him, or have any thing to do with +him or his bill!"</p> + +<p>The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears +a <i>muss</i> in the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was +Biddy and the grocer's man in a high dispute. Biddy—"true +to her instinct," had made a bull of her message by +telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the +divil wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, +and give him to understand that Mr. Flash was gone to +parts unknown, and—the grocer, in common with bakers, +butchers, tinners and china dealers—were <i>done!</i></p> + +<p>But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" +made their appearance, for a small bill of seven dollars, +for washing and ironing the dickeys and fine linen of the Flashes.</p> + +<p>"An' de fac <i>am</i>," says the one, "we's bound to hab de +money, <i>shuah!</i>"</p> + +<p>It did not seem to <i>take</i> when Flannigan informed his +colored friends that they were surely <i>done</i>, as their debtor +had "cut his lucky" and gone!</p> + +<p>The darkies felt inclined to be <i>sassy</i>, and Flannigan +closed the door, ordering them to create a vacancy by +clearing out, and just as he closed the door, ring goes +the bell!</p> + +<p>"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting +his brogan upon the sill, as Flannigan opened the door—"I've +come wid me <i>coz</i>-zin to git her wages, ye's owin' her!"</p> + +<p>"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan.</p> + +<p>"<i>Igh!</i>" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall.</p> + +<p>"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan.</p> + +<p>"<i>Scoun-thril!</i>" roars the outraged "adopted citizen."</p> + +<p>"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, +as Paddy makes a rush to grab him.</p> + +<p>"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye—ye—" but here his oration +drew towards a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to +recognise virtue in forbearance, opened the door and planting +his own huge fist between the <i>ogle-factories</i> of Paddy, +knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling, Paddy carried +away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling +upon the two negro women who were still at the +bottom of the steps, dilating, to any number of lookers-on, +upon the rascality of poor Flannigan in gouging them out +of their washing bill, down went the white spirits and +black, all in a lump.</p> + +<p>Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that +house" were denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes +screamed, the Irish roared, the Dutch baker came up with +a police-man to arrest Flannigan for stealing his bread! +And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to seize +the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house—ready to +be taken away!</p> + +<p>Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian +and natural Yankee, was terrific!</p> + +<p>Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan +was carried to the police office to answer half a cord +of "charges," and reached home near sundown, quite exhausted, +and his wallet bled for "costs," fines, &c., some +$20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a +"bad name," he couldn't stay in it.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="The_Question_Settled" id="The_Question_Settled"></a>The Question Settled.</h2> + + +<p>"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere +along shore, met "Prof." <i>White</i>,—a gemman, whose complexion +is four shades darker than the famed ace of +spades,—a few evenings since, in front of the <i>Blade</i> office, +and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor—</p> + +<p>"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's +makin' sich a debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"</p> + +<p>"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on +boots, "it's my 'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got +into de wrong pew, brudder Gumbo, when he went down to +Cuber for his healf!"</p> + +<p>"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) +question, I is."</p> + +<p>"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up +on de goanna question, no how; but, when you comes to +de Cuber, or de best mode ob applyin' de principle ob +liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin, <i>I'se dar!</i>"</p> + +<p>"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on +de natural principles ob de chemical skyence, I see; but +lord honey, I doos pity your ignorance on jography questions. +So, take care ob yourself, ole nigger—yaw! yaw!" +and they parted with the formality of two Websters, and +half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="the_Astor_House" id="the_Astor_House"></a>How it's Done at the Astor House.</h2> + + +<p>People often wonder how a man can manage to drink +up his salary in liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy +a gallon of the very best ardent every day in the year. +How a fortune can be drank up, or drank down, by the +possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated. +Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, +to fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, +or even that detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called +<i>French brandy</i>,—which, in fact, is generally aquafortis, +corrosive sublimate, cochineal, logwood, and whiskey,—and +don't happen to know too many drouthy cronies, may +make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in +the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live +stock, and real estate, when you know how it's done.</p> + +<p>Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping +trained dogs or trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize +purse and reputation, like drinking.</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth +doctor," "look into my mouth."</p> + +<p>"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller.</p> + +<p>"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look +again; you see nothing!"</p> + +<p>"Nothing, sir!"</p> + +<p>"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, +for I've just finished swallowing—<i>three hundred negroes +and two cotton plantations!</i>"</p> + +<p>Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable +drinking saloon in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant +drinking establishments in that part of the country. +The young chaps belonged over in Kentucky—daddies rich, +and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's have a spree! +The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a +fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of +all the most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. +Getting fuddled, they got uproarious; they kicked over the +tables and knocked down the waiters. The landlord, not +exactly appreciating that sort of "going on," remonstrated, +and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and +furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the +people present, who "dug out" very quick, leaving the +bacchanalians to their glory; whereupon, they fell to and +fired their pistols into the mirrors, paintings, chandeliers, +&c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the time the +young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and +after the usual battering and banging of the now almost +inanimate bodies of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. +Next day they settled their bills, and it cost them +about $2200! It was rather an expensive lesson, but it's +altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a letter of +it yet.</p> + +<p>A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were +cruising around New York, one evening, seeing the lions, +and their cicerone,—by the way, a "native" who knew what +<i>was</i> what,—took them up Broadway, and as they passed +the Astor House, says one of the strangers:</p> + +<p>"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?"</p> + +<p>"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "<i>this</i>, boys, is +a great tavern, fine place to get a drink."</p> + +<p>"Well, be hooky, let's all go in."</p> + +<p>In they all went; taking a private room or small side +parlor, the country gents requested Smith to do the talking +and order in the liquor. Smith called for a bill of fare, +upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts" and harder named +wines and <i>liquors</i> than could be committed to memory in a week.</p> + +<p>"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing +it to the servant, "that's it—two bottles, bring 'em up."</p> + +<p>Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The +country gents froze to it. They had never tasted such stuff +before, in all their born days!</p> + +<p>"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," +"got eny more uv that wine?"</p> + +<p>"O, yes, sir!" says the servant.</p> + +<p>"Well, fetch it in."</p> + +<p>"Two bottles, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!—I can go two +on 'em myself," says the country gent.</p> + +<p>The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after +a few grimaces and whispering, the servant and one of the +bar-keepers, or clerks, carried up the wine. Says the clerk, +whispering to Smith, whom he slightly knew:</p> + +<p>"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the +catalogue, ain't it?"</p> + +<p>"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw.</p> + +<p>"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't +snake your handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want +us to fork rite up fur these drinks?" hauling out his wallet.</p> + +<p>"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change.</p> + +<p>"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out +a handful of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay +for what licker we drink—be thunder!"</p> + +<p>In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it +was of no importance just then—the bill would be presented +when they got through. This was satisfactory, and the +party went on finishing their wine, smoking, &c.</p> + +<p>"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one +of the gents, beginning to feel his oats, some!</p> + +<p>"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "<i>sham</i>" +in "the tavern" were called for, and which the party drank +with great gusto.</p> + +<p>"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or +some other place where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, +mister,"—to the servant,—"go fetch in the landlord."</p> + +<p>"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some +doubts as to the meaning of the phrase.</p> + +<p>"Ay, landlord—or that chap that was in here just now; +tell him to fetch in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; +well, what's the damages?" asks the gent, so ambitious of +putting the party through, and hauling out a handful of +keys, silver and coppers, to do it with.</p> + +<p>"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing +one of those fancy gamboge titles found upon an +Astor House catalogue, "<i>ninety-six dollars—</i>"</p> + +<p>"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small +change, that he had began to sort out on the table.</p> + +<p>"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars—seven +dollars," coolly continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and +three dollars."</p> + +<p>"<i>A hundred and three thunder—</i>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">A hundred and three dollars!</span>" cried the country +gents, in one breath, all starting to their feet, and putting +on their hats.</p> + +<p>The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged +up" the amount, looked very sober, and walked out.</p> + +<p>"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre."</p> + +<p>"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for +to-night, Mr. Smith." And they made for their lodgings.</p> + +<p>If those country gents were asked, when they got home, +any particulars about the "elephant," they'd probably hint +something about getting a glimpse of him at the Astor House.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="The_Advertisement" id="The_Advertisement"></a>The Advertisement.</h2> + + +<p>Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our +story will interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, +brief, and—singularly true.</p> + +<p>A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the +mother of three pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, +who lost his life in the corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, +built in Kensington for one of the South American republics, +and launched in 1826. The South Americans +being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, +was sold to the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for +Constradt in 1830. Some forty of the carpenters, who had +built the vessel, went out in her; she had immense, but +symmetrical spars—carried vast clouds of canvass—was +caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall—her spars came thundering +to the deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was +among the slain.</p> + +<p>The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for +the departed; pinching poverty was at her door; upon her +own exertions now devolved the care and toil of rearing +her three children. Cynthia, the eldest, was a pretty brunette, +of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could +"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy +and intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, +Rosa, one of the most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little +girls of seven years, poetical fancy ever realized, "the +neighbors thought," ought to be <i>given</i> to somebody, to +raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a +task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and +so, kind, generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with +which disinterested friends console or advise the unfortunate, +"the neighbors" became very eloquent and argumentative. +But though the mother's hands were weak, her heart was +strong, and her love for her children still stronger.</p> + +<p>It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it +appears to us, that people possessing the ordinary attributes +of sane Christians, should so readily advise others to +attempt, or do, that from which <i>they</i> would instinctively +recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers might have +been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites +towards preserving the unity of her little and precious +family, than thus savagely advising its disbanding.</p> + +<p>Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very +expensive, and circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. +But the widow took a paper, a family, weekly journal; and +while casting her vacant eye over the columns, at the close +of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for the bread +her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention +was called to an advertisement, as follows:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">A Housekeeper Wanted.</span>—An elderly gentleman desires +a middle-aged, pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious +American woman, to take charge and conduct the +domestic affairs of his household. A reasonable compensation +allowed. Good reference required, <i>the applicant to +have no incumbrances</i>. Apply at this office, for the address, &c."</p></div> + +<p>The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features +of the widow, as she glanced over the advertisement, was +dimmed and darkened, as the shining river of summer is +shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she came to +the chilling words—<i>the applicant to have no incumbrances</i>.</p> + +<p>"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but +God deign to smile or have mercy on the helpless orphans; +are they to be feared, shunned, hated, because helpless? +Must they perish—die with me alone—struggling against +our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know there is a +God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts +of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though +basilisk-like words warn me to hope not, I will apply—I +will attempt to win attention, work, slave, toil, toil, toil, +until my poor hands shall wear to the bone, and my eyes +no longer do their office—if he will only have mercy, pity +for my poor, poor orphans—God bless them!" and in melting +tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her +face upon her lap and wept—her tears were the showers of +hope, to the almost parched soil of her heart, and as the +gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell the widow's +tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter +something—in the future.</p> + +<p>It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the +poor woman put on her bonnet and shawl, and started at +once for the office of the <i>news</i>paper. The publisher was +just closing his sanctum, but he gave the information the +widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs. Glenn's +appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated +her on various points of her present condition, prospects, +&c.; and observed, that but for her children, he had +no doubt of the widow's suiting the old man exactly.</p> + +<p>"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from +honest industry, because of thy responsibilities, which God +hath given thee," said the quaker. "If thy lad is stout of +his age, and a good boy, I will provide for him; he may +learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may be +enabled to keep thy two female children about thee."</p> + +<p>On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention +of writing a few lines as an applicant for the situation +of housekeeper, and afterwards to consult with the +publisher in regard to her boy, Martin, and then bidding +the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble +domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried +from her distressed and lonely home.</p> + +<p>In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad +and beautiful Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion; +but few of this class now remain in Philadelphia, and the +one of which we now speak, but recently passed away, in +the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850. In +this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the +wealthy and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was +very wealthy, very eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate, +plethoric, gouty, and seventy years of age. Mr. +Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he had been so +engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to +forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable +appendage to a man's comfort in this world—a wife. He +was the next ten years considering the matter over, and +then, having built and furnished himself a costly mansion, +which he peopled with servants, headed by a maiden sister +as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole—to which his +sister added her strong consent—that matrimony would +greatly increase his cares, and perhaps add more <i>noise</i> and +confusion to his household, than it might counterbalance or +offset by probable comfort in "wedded happiness," so +temptingly set forth to old bachelors.</p> + +<p>"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off +my single blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough, +there's women enough; I'm young, hale, hearty, in the +prime of life; no, I'll not give up the ship to woman yet."</p> + +<p>Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up +in the retired merchant's mind again—he was now sixty, +and one, at least, of the objections to his entering the +wedded state, removed—for a man at sixty is scarcely too +young to marry, surely.</p> + +<p>"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now. +I've had my own way so long, I could not think of surrendering +to petticoats, turning my house into a nursery, and +turning my back on the joys, quiet and comforts of bachelorhood. +No, no, Job Carson—matrimony be hanged. +You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed—now +age and luxury do their work.</p> + +<p>"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. <i>O</i>, there it is again—hang +the goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm +getting the gout. Blockhead—none of my kith or kin ever +had such an infernal complaint. O, ah-h-h, that infernal +window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain in the +back, and—Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger—Banquo-o-o!"</p> + +<p>"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black +and sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning +face into the old gentleman's study, sitting, playing or +smoking room.</p> + +<p>"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here; +go to Jackplane, the carpenter, and tell him to come here +and make my sashes tight, d'ye hear?"</p> + +<p>"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off."</p> + +<p>"No, you ain't—come here, Banquo, you woolly son of +Congo, you; go open my liquor case, bring the brandy and +some cool water. There, now clear yourself."</p> + +<p>"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time—"</p> + +<p>"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes, +and tell him I send my compliments to him, and if he wants +to continue that game of chess, let him come over this +afternoon, d'ye hear?"</p> + +<p>"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time—<i>shuah!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Well, away with you."</p> + +<p>Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman. +He had survived nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his +sister had paid the last debt of nature some months before, +and in hopes of finding some one to fill her station, in his +domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared in the +<i>Weekly Bulletin</i>.</p> + +<p>"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the +old gent over his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived +everybody, everything useful to me. Made a fortune +<i>first</i>, nobody to spend it <i>last</i>. Yes, yes," continued the +old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson will soon +slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may +say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a +hard scrabble to get together these things, and now, we'll +pick his bones.' Well, let 'em, let 'em; serves me right; +ought to have known it before, but blast and rot 'em, if +they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the struggles +to keep it together, why, a—it will be about an even thing +with us, after all."</p> + +<p>"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting +his black bullet pate in at the door.</p> + +<p>"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself—no, come back; go +down to Oatmeal's store, and tell him to let old Mrs. +Dougherty, and the old blind man, and the sailor's wife, +and—and—the rest of them, have their groceries, again, +this week—only another week, mind, for I'm not going to +support the whole neighborhood any longer—tell him so."</p> + +<p>"Yis, massa, I'se gone."</p> + +<p>"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind—clear out."</p> + +<p>But Banquo returned in a moment, saying:</p> + +<p>"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see +you, sah, 'bout 'ticlar business, sah."</p> + +<p>"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down—ah-h, +that infernal <i>twinge</i> again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a +stupid ass a man is to hang around in this world until he's +a nuisance to himself and every body else!" grunted old +Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into the parlor.</p> + +<p><a name='Pg_393' id='Pg_393'></a>"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the +widow, who, in the utmost taste of simple neatness, had +arranged her spare dress, to meet the umpire of her future fate.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and +at once opened her business to the bluff old man.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm +nothing, nobody, any more. I want somebody to see that +I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and that I may have a bed to +lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back occasionally, +and a—that's all I want, ma'am."</p> + +<p>The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a +housekeeper, and situated as she was, it was a labor of love +to work—toil, for those misfortune had placed in her charge.</p> + +<p>"Eh? what's that—haven't got <i>incumbrances</i>, have you, ma'am?"</p> + +<p>"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow.</p> + +<p>"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman; +"ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three children?"</p> + +<div class='image' id='illo006'> + +<img src='images/illo006.png' + alt='"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.' + title='"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.' +/> + +<p class='caption'>"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman. +"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three +children?"—<a href='#Pg_393'><i>Page</i> 393</a>.</p> +</div> + +<p>The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser, +the old gentleman continued:</p> + +<p>"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business +with <i>incumbrances</i>, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am, +for 'em."</p> + +<p>"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too—too +much inclined to reason; but I shall trust to the mercy +and providence of the Lord, if denied the kind feelings of mortals."</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am; +but too many poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a +scrape, then depend upon the Lord to help 'em out. This +shifting the responsibility to the shoulders of the Lord isn't +right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half he's +asked to do, ma'am."</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I thought I would <i>call</i>, though I feared my +children would be an objection to—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes,—I don't want incumbrances, ma'am."</p> + +<p>"But I—I a—"—the widow's heart was too full for utterance; +she moved towards the door. "Good morning, sir."</p> + +<p>"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity—you've +no business, ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances, +when you haven't got any visible means of support. Now, +if you only had one, one incumbrance—and that you'd no +business to have"—said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an +antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent +grains of titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his +proboscis, "if you had only <i>one</i> incumbrance—but you've +got a house full, ma'am."</p> + +<p>"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn.</p> + +<p>"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't +be a poor woman with two—no, with one incumbrance at +my petticoat tails—for the biggest ship and cargo old Steve +Girard ever owned, ma'am."</p> + +<p>"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with +the printer, sir; he has offered to take my poor boy."</p> + +<p>"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent, +applying the dust, and manipulating his box. "How old? +Eldest thirteen, eh?—boy eleven, and the youngest seven, +eh?" and working a traverse, or solving some problematic +point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning gown, +and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind, +he stopped—fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing +a ten dollar note in the widow's hand, he said:</p> + +<p>"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but +to-morrow morning, if you have time, from other and more +important business, call in, bring your children with you; +good morning, ma'am—Banquo!"</p> + +<p>"Yis, sah; I'se heah."</p> + +<p>"Show the lady out—good morning, ma'am, good morning."</p> + +<p>"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing +his walk; "she's plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant; +if she only hadn't that raft of <i>incumbrances</i>; what +do these people have incumbrances for, anyway?—"</p> + +<p>"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo.</p> + +<p>"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat +for the lady; yes, ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I +advertised for one. How many servants do I keep? Well, +ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have visitors? Of +course I have. What and where are <i>my rooms</i>? Why, +madam, I own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go +to bed, and get up, and go round; come in and out, when I +feel like it. What church do I worship in? I've assisted +in <i>building</i> a number, own a half of one, and a third of +several; but, ma'am, between you and I—I don't want to +be rude to a lady, ma'am, but I <i>do</i> think, this examination +ain't to my liking—you don't think the place would suit +you, eh? Well, I think <i>your ladyship</i> wouldn't suit <i>me</i>, +ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said old +Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and +acrimonious dame, who, returning the old gentleman's <i>bow</i> +with the same "high pressure" order, seized her skirts in +one hand, and agitating her fan with the other, she stepped +out, or <i>finikined</i> along to the hall door, and as Banquo +flew around, and put on the <i>extras</i> to let her ladyship out, +she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and +looking crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the +steps and disappeared.</p> + +<p>"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please—of'n!" +said the pouting negro.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering +in a rather ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home +daughter of the "gim o' the sae." The old gentleman +eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his snuff-box, he +answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if <i>he</i> was the gintleman +wanting the housekeeper.</p> + +<p>"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?"</p> + +<p>"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord, +was saying till us—"</p> + +<p>"Are you married, too?"</p> + +<p>"Married <i>two</i>? Do I look like a woman as would marry +two? No, <i>sur</i>; I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is +Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my husband, sur; +he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was <i>sun +sthruck</i>, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur."</p> + +<p>"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband—one +dollar, there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good +morning, ma'am. Banquo, show the good woman to the door."</p> + +<p>"But, sur, I want the place!"</p> + +<p>"I don't want <i>you</i>—good morning."</p> + +<p>"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman +to the hall.</p> + +<p>"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid."</p> + +<p>"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, <i>go!</i>" roared the +old gent.</p> + +<p>"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said—says he—who +the divil you push'n, you black nager?" said the woman, +grabbing Banquo's woolly top-knot.</p> + +<p>"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards +the door.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur—"</p> + +<p>"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs. +Geaughey, while his master was gesticulating furiously to +keep on <i>crowding</i> her. Finally, Banquo vanquished the +Irish woman, and received orders from his master to admit +no more applicants—the place was filled. +</p><p> +That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes—a retired merchant +and ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the +habit of exchanging visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy +and water, talking over old times and playing chess—came +to finish a litigated game, and Job and he discussed the +matter of taking care of the widow and children of the +dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the +second interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her +children, proved satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take +them in; if found more than Job could attend to—</p> + +<p>"Why a—I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes.</p> + +<p>Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared +at the door of Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full +of pleasant anticipations, ushered them into the retired +merchant's presence.</p> + +<p>It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave +the group, that the battle was more than half won.</p> + +<p>"Fine boy, that; come here, sir—eleven years of age, +eh? Your name's Martin—Martin Glenn, eh? Well, +Martin, my lad, you've got a big world before you—a fussing, +fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth the +powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your +position in the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they +are; but you may make a good man; if the world don't +benefit you, why a—you can benefit it; that's the way I've +done—been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it, neither," +said the old man, with evident emotion.</p> + +<p>"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown +girl for your age, surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable +of 'keeping house,' too; you've got a world before you, +too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a world full of +deceit and <i>misery</i>—look at your mother, look at me! Ah, +well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these—these +<i>incumbrances</i>, and mine, poor devil—for not having +'em. Cynthia, you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know. +Ah, here's mamma's pet, I suppose; Rose Glenn, very +pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty. Lips and cheeks +like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds. Ma'am, +you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass +to call these <i>incumbrances</i>. They are jewels of inestimable +value. What's my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents, +houses, goods and chattels, that fire may destroy, and +thieves steal—to these blessings that—that God has given +the lone widow to strengthen her—cheer her in the dark +path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it +now, plainer than I ever did before. Banquo!"</p> + +<p>"Yis'r, I'se here, massa."</p> + +<p>"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately; +tell Captain Winepipes to come over—I want to see him. +I'm going to make a fool of myself, I believe."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I <ins title="gues">guess</ins> dere's suffin gwoin to +happen to dat lady and dem chil'ns—shuah!" said Banquo, +rushing out of the house.</p> + +<p>The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job +Carson proposed—and the widow, of course, consented—that +Martin Glenn should become the adopted son of the old +gentleman, Job Carson; and that he should choose a trade +or profession, which he should then, or later, learn, making +the old gentleman's house as much his home as circumstances +would permit; the two girls were to remain under +the same roof with the mother, who was at once installed as +housekeeper for the bluff and generous old gentleman.</p> + +<p>Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement, +to wit: that both girls should be educated at his expense, +which was finally acceded to, adding, that in case +he—Captain Joseph Winepipes—should live to see Rose +Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and give +her a dowry.</p> + +<p>"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said +Job, "and that I, Job Carson, do agree, should I live to +see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give her a comfortable start +in the world—set that down, for I will do it, yes, I will," +said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the +debt of nature; he did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife; +but, nevertheless, he left a clause in his will, that fully carried +out his expressed intentions when Rose did marry, +some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet seventeen. +Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing +office, and very recently filled one of the most important +stations in the judiciary of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous +part in the recent war with Mexico. Cynthia was wedded +to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an event +that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to, +donated a sum, quite munificent, towards making things +agreeable in the progress of her married life. Widow Glenn +remained a faithful servant and friend to the old merchant, +and, upon his death, she became heir to the family mansion, +and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large +bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes, +but the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son, +Martin, who proved not unworthy of his good fortune. +Banquo ended his days in the service of the widow, who +had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle that +conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in +guise of a <span class="smcap">newspaper advertisement</span>.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Fortune-Hunters_Life" id="Fortune-Hunters_Life"></a>Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life.</h2> + + +<p>We do not now recollect what philosopher it was +who said, "it's no disgrace to be poor, but it's +often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have little or no +sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty, +make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences, +as though it was "against the law" to be poor. +It is the cause of incalculable human misery, to <i>seem</i> what +we are <i>not</i>; to appear beyond <i>want</i>—yea, even in affluence +and comfort, when the belly is robbed to clothe the back—the +inner man crucified to make the outside <i>lie</i> you through +the world, or into—genteel "society." This, though abominable, +is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs, +crime and fun, in this old world that we temporarily inhabit.</p> + +<p>Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and +diverting—and certainly none the less instructive garb—than +to hunt up misery, and depict the <ins title="woful">woeful</ins> tragics of our +existence, we will give the facts of a case—not uncommon, +we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of one of the parties.</p> + +<p>In most cities—especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and +Washington, are any quantity of decayed families; widows +and orphans of men—who, while blessed with oxygen and +hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and active—held +offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled +them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high +heads, and go into what is called "good society;" meaning +of course where good furniture garnishes good finished <ins title="domicils">domiciles</ins>, +good carpets, good rents, good dinners, and where good +clothes are exhibited—but where good intentions, good +manners and morals are mostly of no great importance. As, in +most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident, +the head of the family collapses, or dies,—the reckless regard +for society having led to the squandering of the income, +fast or faster than it came, the poor family is driven +by the same society, so coveted, to hide away—move off, +and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is capable, +work their way through the world, under tissues of +false pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a +family we have in view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative +office under government, in the city of Washington. +Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died. +There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies +having always cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital—which +society, let us tell you, is of the most fluctuating, +tin-foil and ephemeral character; it was by some considered +strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had been +decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale +of their most expensive furniture—the horses, carriage, and +man-servant disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized +society that they were going north, to reside upon an estate +of the Colonel's in New York. And so they vanished. +Whither they went or how they fared society did not know, +and society did not care!</p> + +<p>Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest +twenty-three, <i>confessedly</i>, and the youngest, the son, seventeen. +Marriages, in such society, floating and changing as it +does in Washington, are not frequent, and less happy or prosperous +when effected; every body, inclined to become acquainted, +or form matrimonial connections, are ever on the +alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and +under such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice +Somebody—though a pretty girl—talented, as the world goes, +highly educated, too, as many hundreds beside her, was still +a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was, Mrs. Somebody +was a woman of experience in the world—indeed, a dozen +years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very +definite ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as +the means were cut off to live in their usual style and +expensiveness—Mrs. Somebody packed up and retired to +Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a store—the +daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted +to—as a matter of <i>diversion</i>—they could not think +of earning a living, of course!—the needle—while Mrs. +Somebody arranged a pair of neat apartments, for two +"gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as boarders.</p> + +<p>During their palmy days at the capital of the nation, +Miss Alice Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman +named Rhapsody,—of pleasant and respectable +demeanor, <i>an office-holder</i>, but not high up enough to suit +the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady; +and so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for +favor or preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he +was a recognized visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed +to make an impression upon the heart's affections of the +Colonel's daughter.</p> + +<p>Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in +the fates and fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted. +Nor was our friend Rhapsody without his changes,—mutations +of fortune, a change of government, made changes. +Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified +to find his "services no longer required," as a new +hand was awaiting his withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to +custom at the capital—lived up to and ahead of his salary; +and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his exit +from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect +or personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and +without patronage or position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily +he had a trade), was a boot-maker. Start not, reader, at +the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency to +shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has +been sadly neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody +was but a boot-maker, and no doubt quite as gentlemanly—physically +and mentally considered, as the many thousands +who merely <i>wear</i> boots, for the luxury of which they are +indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody +came down gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his +level, only changing the scene of his endeavors to the city +of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings—pride. He sought +obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors +of his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water, +and await that tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he +might again be drifted to fortune and favor.</p> + +<p>Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose +late—took breakfast, read the news—smoked—lounged—dressed, +and went through the ordinary evolutions of a gentleman +of leisure, until he dined at 3 P. M.; then, by a +circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop—put on his working +attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when, +having accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed—walked +to his hotel—talked politics—fashions, etc., took his +glass of wine with a friend, and very quietly retired; to +rise on the morrow, and go through the same routine from +day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to an eligible +marriage, or a place.</p> + +<p>Rhapsody—we must give him the credit of the fact—from +no mawkish feeling of his own, but from force of +public opinion, resorted to this secret manner of eking out +his daily bread, and acting out his part of the fictitious +gentleman. During one of his morning lounges—accidentally, +Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They +had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome +to conceive, that Miss Alice—under the new order +of things—was more pleased than otherwise to renew the +acquaintance of other days, with a gentleman still supposed +to be—and his attire and manner surely gave no sign of an +altered state of affairs—in a position recognizable by society.</p> + +<p>Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family, +and Miss Alice in particular—with fervor. He admitted +himself no longer an <i>attache</i> of government, but +offset the deprivation of government patronage, by asserting +that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than +the drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship—he was studying +political economy, and the learned profession of the law!</p> + +<p>The Somebodies were <i>game</i>; not a concession would +they make to stern indigence; it was merely for the sake +of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody, and the solace of retirement +from the gay and tempestuous whirls of society, that +<i>we</i> changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic +show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of +substance. He knew how easy it was to account for the +expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a year, but it did not +so readily appear possible for a man holding the Colonel's +place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor, +without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless, +<i>somebody</i>, and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt +upon it, the more he absorbed the idea of forming an +alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the favor +with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as +desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or +gossamer projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine +friend, Rhapsody, we know not; but that he whacked +away more cheerily at his trade, and kept up his appearances +spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and +artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it +to the satisfaction of his employers.</p> + +<p>The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in +the characters of the two young women, particularly +commendatory to Rhapsody; he seldom paid them a morning +or afternoon call, that they were not diligently engaged +with needles and Berlin wool—fashioning wrought suspenders +for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister, +or the Rev. Mr. So-and-So—the recently made inmate of +the family. The multiplicity of such performances, for +brother, mother, sister, the reverend gentleman—<i>mere pastime</i>, +as Mrs. Somebody would remark,—most probably +would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of +many adventurous <i>Lotharios</i>; but Rhapsody, though, as +we see, a man of the world, had something yet to learn of +society and its complexities. Things progressed smoothly—the +reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled Miss Alice +and the mother upon the issue of coming events—the lively +young lawyer, etc., etc.,—and it seemed to be a settled matter +that Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody +at last.</p> + +<p>Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his +laboring garments, made his return of work and received +more. Whilst thus out, one evening, on business, in making +a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon Mrs. +Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down +a cellar—into a shop—up an alley, or sunk through the +footwalk, had any such opportunity offered, but there was +none—he was there—beneath the flame of a street lamp, +with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off +from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy!</p> + +<p>He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy +and turbulent ward—apprehended a disturbance—donned +those shady habiliments, and the large green bag in his +hand, that a—well, though it did not seem to contain such +goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books +and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the +caucus! Rhapsody got through—it was a tight shave; he +dexterously declined accompanying the ladies home—they +were rather queerly attired themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody; +they made some excuse for their appearance, and so +the maskers <i>quit, even</i>. Time passed on—Alice and Rhapsody +had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of +an hymenial conclusion, when another <i>contretemps</i> came +to pass—it was the grand finale.</p> + +<p>It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in +haste, sought the shop of his employer; he had work in +hand which, being ordered done at a certain hour, for an +anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His green +bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,—the servant of +the customer was awaiting the arrival of the <i>bottier</i> and his +master's boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's +verdant-colored satchel, and out came the boots, and which +underwent many critical inspections, eliciting sundry professional +remarks from the shopman, to our hero, Rhapsody, +who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the +more humble name of <i>Mr. Jones</i>, in the shop. The customer's +servant stood by the counter—fencing off a lady, +further on—from immediate notice of Rhapsody. A side +glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens of most elegantly-wrought +slippers—the boss of the shop, and the +lady, were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered +articles; the lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody +and the garrulous shopman, turned toward the poor +fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into the +green bag—their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish +sensation peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a +shower bath, during his first <i>douse</i>, or the incipient criminal +detected in his initiatory crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like +fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody, without the nerve to +gather up her work, or withstand a further test of the force +of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red +as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at +least to all but Rhapsody.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning—a servant +announced a gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview +with Mr. Rhapsody—it was granted, and soon <i>Jones</i>, +the <i>boot-maker</i>, confronted the Rev. Mr. So-and-So. Though +an inclination to <i>smile</i> played about the pleasant features +of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon +what he called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that +gentleman patiently hearing the story out, quietly asked:</p> + +<p>"Are you, sir, here as an accuser—denouncer, or an +ambassador of peace and good will?"</p> + +<p>"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the +reverend gentleman.</p> + +<p>"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary +concessions—a clean breast of it, you may say. I am +in a false position—struggling against public opinion—false +pride—falsely, and yet honestly, working my way +through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally, +than <i>Jones, the boot-maker</i>. Now," continued Rhapsody, +"if a false purpose covers not a false heart also, I can yet +be happy in the affections of Miss Somebody, and she in +mine. For those who can battle as we have, against the +common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity, +may surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation +and support, our fortunes joined."</p> + +<p>"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend +gentleman, "in your character, if I was in your occupation; +and you may rely upon my friendly service in an amicable +and definite arrangement of this very delicate matter."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our +friend Rhapsody was reinstated in his place, occupied years +before, and by fortuitous circumstances he got still higher—an +appointment of trust connected with a handsome salary; +so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to re-enter the +Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the +national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously +driven by the death of the husband and father. Mrs. +Somebody, that was, however, is now a much older and +much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial friend, who +vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's +repugnance to leather—and for sundry quibbles—yea, +strong arguments against any blood of hers ever uniting +with the fates and fortunes of a boot-maker; with what +<i>propriety</i>, her experience has long since taught her. Alice +is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children, +the wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public +opinion forced him to mask the means that gave him bread. +Rhapsody is no longer a politician, or office-holder, but engaged +in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort and position +in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of +"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's +standing jokes, to friends at the fireside and dinner table; +but that such a safe and happy tableau would again befall +parties so circumstanced, is a very material question; and +the moral of our story, being rather complex, though very +definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to determine.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="with_a_Difference" id="with_a_Difference"></a>A Distinction with a Difference.</h2> + + +<p>A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & +Co.'s on Christmas day, and leaning thoughtfully over the +counter, says he to Prescott, "Got any Psalms here?"</p> + +<p>"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, +after a moment's pause, and handing down a copy of +Hood, "here's plenty of old Joe's!"</p> + +<p>The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at <i>the pictures</i>, +and with a countenance indicative of having been tasting a +crab-apple—left!</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Pills_and_Persimmons" id="Pills_and_Persimmons"></a>Pills and Persimmons.</h2> + + +<p>I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of +an old, and rather addle-headed gentleman, who some +fifty years ago did business in New Castle, Delaware, and +having occasion to send out to England for hardware, wrote +his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the captain +of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor +got him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the +hurry, the old man dashed off his <i>P. S.</i>, but upon attempting +to read the whole order over, he couldn't make head or +tail of it.</p> + +<p>"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is; +they are better scholars in England than I am—<i>they'll make +it out</i>."</p> + +<p>Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over, +among the rest of the stuff were the so many kegs of nails, +but upon opening one of these kegs, it was full, or nearly so, +of <ins title="Amercian">American</ins> quarter dollars. The old man roared out in a +[word missing].</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if <i>they</i> +ain't scholars, fust-rate scholars, in England; <i>it's worth +while sending 'em bad manuscript</i>."</p> + +<p>A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial +transaction that actually took place within a year +or two, between parties severally situated in Boston and +the city of San Francisco, California. As we consider the +whole transaction rather <i>rich</i>, we transcribe it for the +diversion it may furnish.</p> + +<p>Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a +shop in San Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending +all sorts of cheap clothing, and making, on the same, +more money than a horse could pull; and in his package, +he was in the habit of sending articles for friends, &c. A +gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston, +acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found, +upon looking around San Francisco, that his own business, +<i>lawing</i>, wasn't worth two cents, as many of his craft were +turning their attention to matters more useful to the human +family—digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving teams, +&c. So lawyer Bunker <i>turned</i> his attention from Blackstone, +Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red, +blue-black law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums. +Bunker found that the great appetite we Yankees have for +quack medicines, pills and powders, suffered no diminution +in the gold country; on the contrary, the appetite became +rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found that +a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted, +was absolutely making his fortune, by the manufacture of +dough pills, spiced with coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel.</p> + +<p>"Egad!" says Bunker, "<i>I'll</i> go into medicine. I'll write +to a friend in Boston, to send me <i>out</i> a few medicine and +receipt books, and a lot of pulverized liquorice, quinine, +&c., with a pill machine, and I guess I'll be after my New +York butchering friend in a double brace of shakes."</p> + +<p>Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he +wrote a first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of +being able to equal, if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus +Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the scratchings of a +poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering over +foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the +marks of a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of +ye ancient Egyptians! In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript +was awful; a few of his most intimate friends, only, +pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to one of these +friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle +Sam's mail <i>poche</i>, and in fever heat he awaits the return +of the precious combustibles that were to make his fortune. +In course of time, Bunker's friends receive the order, but, +alas! it was all Greek to them; they cyphered in vain, to +make out any thing in the letters except <i>persimmons</i>.</p> + +<p>"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does +Joe want with persimmons?"</p> + +<p>They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking +the final sentence, "<i>send, without delay, persimmons</i>."</p> + +<p>"Persimmons?" said one.</p> + +<p>"Persimmons?" echoed another.</p> + +<p>"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want +with <i>persimmons</i>?" responded a third.</p> + +<p>"Persimmons!" all three chimed.</p> + +<p>"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow."</p> + +<p>"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that," +responded another.</p> + +<p>"Persimmons are not medicinal."</p> + +<p>"They are not chemical."</p> + +<p>"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science, +law, or religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor +at law, want us to forward, without delay, <i>persimmons</i>?"</p> + +<p>Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's +letter was very brief, strictly to the point, and that point +was—<i>persimmons!</i> In the first place, it is not everybody +that knows exactly what persimmons are, where they come +from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's friends +had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred +to him that possums, and some human beings, especially the +colored pop'lation, were the only critters particularly fond of +the fruit. Webster was consulted, to see what light he cast +upon the matter: he informed them that "<i>Persimmon</i> was +a tree, and its fruit, a species of <i>Diospyros</i>, a native of the +States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when +not ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe, +luscious and highly nutritious."</p> + +<p>"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet +Joe's sick; persimmons have been prescribed for his cure, +and the sooner we send the persimmons the better!"</p> + +<p>"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the +man who had a faint idea of what persimmons were, "they +make beer, first-rate beer of persimmons, in the South, and +it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going into persimmon +beer business; as you say, he <i>may be</i> sick—persimmon beer +may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward +the persimmons without delay!"</p> + +<p>Now persimmons never ripen until <i>touched</i> pretty smartly +with Jack Frost. This was in September; persimmons +were mostly full grown, but not ripe. A large keg of them +was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams & Co.'s +great Express to San Francisco could take them out, <i>the +persimmons went!</i></p> + +<p>Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward +without delay the tools and remedial agents to make his +fortune in the pill business, went to work, got him an office, +changed his name, and added an M. D. to it, had a sign +painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that +on such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all +ills, from <ins title="lubago">lumbago</ins> to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw, +spring fever to yaller janders, and in his enthusiasm, +he sat down with a ream of paper, to count up the profits, +and calculate the time it would take to get his pile of gold +dust and start for home.</p> + +<p>The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open, +and he found customers began to <i>call</i>, and sure enough, in +comes a large keg, direct through from the States, to his +address; the freight bill on it was pretty considerable, but +Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that now he was all +right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the lumbago, +or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of +human woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out. +He closed his door, opened his cask—</p> + +<p>"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?" +was the first <i>burst</i>, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and +seeing, nicely packed, the green and purple, round and +glossy—he couldn't tell what.</p> + +<p>"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be <i>pills</i>—smell +queer—some mistake—can't be any mistake—my name on +the cask—(tastes one of the 'article')—O! by thunder! +(tastes again)—I'm blasted, they (tastes again) are, by Jove, +<i>persimmons!</i> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he! +ha! ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew +livid in the face.</p> + +<p>"I see—ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every +line I wrote them, except the last, and that—ha! ha! ha!—for +my direction to send out my stuff <i>per Simmons</i>, they +send me <span class="smcap">persimmons</span>! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!"</p> + +<p>But, after enjoying the <i>fun</i> of the matter, ex-counsellor +Bunker discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at; +<i>patients</i> were at the door—if he did not soon prescribe for +their cases, his now numerous creditors would prescribe for +him! What was to be done? Very dull and prosy people +often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful +degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact +applied to ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was +there to better his fortune, and he felt bound to do it, persimmons +or no persimmons. It occurred to him, as those +infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought +to <i>bring in</i> something. By the aid of starch and sugar, +Doctor Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the +smallest persimmons into <i>pills</i>—sugar-coated pills—warranted +to cure about all the ills flesh was heir to, at +$2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a full-grown +person, and as the patient left with a countenance +much "puckered up," and rarely returned, the <i><ins title="psuedo">pseudo</ins></i> +M. D. concluded there was virtue in persimmon pills, and so, +after disposing of his stock to first-rate advantage, the +doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill trade, he <i>vamosed +the ranche</i> with about funds enough to reach home, and +explain to his friends the difference between <i>per</i> Simmons +and <i>persimmons!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="a_City_Editor" id="a_City_Editor"></a>Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor.</h2> + + +<p>A great deal has been written, to show that the literary +business is a very disagreeable business; and that branch +of it coming under the "Editorial" head is about as comfortable +as the bed of Procustes would be to an invalid. It +may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's name in +print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial +columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues +scanning and pronouncing it every day, or week—hundreds +and thousands of the fair sex wondering whether he is a +young or an old man, a married man or a bachelor; while +the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of +his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, +Puseyite, or Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or +Baptist; and the politicians scanning his views, to discover +whether he <i>leans</i> toward the <i>Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or +Whigs</i>—all being necessarily much mystified, inasmuch as +the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to study, and most +vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning diplomatist—stroke +every body's hair with the <i>grain!</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Tribulations_of_Incivility" id="Tribulations_of_Incivility"></a>The Tribulations of Incivility.</h2> + + +<p>"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"</p> + +<p>"Collins?" was the response.</p> + +<p>"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the +hardy-looking, bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, +flippant-mannered, be-whiskered man of vast importance, presiding +over the affairs of one of our "first-class hotels."</p> + +<p>"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager.</p> + +<p>"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a +gentleman who came out passenger with us some time ago; +he left it in Bremen—wanted me to fetch it out when the +ship returned—here it is."</p> + +<p>"What do you want to leave it here for? We know +nothing about the man, sir."</p> + +<p>"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put +up here, and told me he'd be around when we got into port +again. He was a deuced clever fellow, and you ought to +have kept the reckoning of such a man," said the seaman.</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of +the hotel, "that they are no novelties, sir."</p> + +<p>"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate +some of them, for there's no danger of the world's getting +crowded with a crew of good men."</p> + +<p>"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, +sir, but we want none of your impertinence!"</p> + +<p>"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of +your craft; if you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that +my friend Collins is piped up, or that this package be stowed +away where he could come afoul of it. His name is Collins; +here it is in black and white, on the parcel, and here's +where I was to drop it."</p> + +<p>One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, +whispered his dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English +gentleman, late from Bremen, was in the house, whereupon +the dignified empressario, turning to the self-possessed man +of the sea, said—</p> + +<p>"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we <i>suppose</i> +it's correct."</p> + +<p>"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see +that the gentleman gets it; and I say," says the sailor, +pushing back his hat and giving his breeches a regular +sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the gentleman, +Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the +Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure."</p> + +<p>But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman +hardly attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's +message, and Mr. Brace, first officer of the Triton, bore +away, muttering to himself—</p> + +<p>"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like +to have that powder monkey in my watch about a week—I'd +have him down by the lifts and braces!"</p> + +<p>Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October, +when the myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending +their way from the chilly north towards the sunny south, +when the invalid seeks the tropics in pursuit of his health, +and the speculative man of business returns with his "invoices," +to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the way.</p> + +<p>We are on board ship—the Triton ploughing the deep +blue waters of the ocean track from Sandy Hook to New +Orleans; for October, the weather is rather unruly, <i>damp</i>, +and boisterous. We perceive a number of passengers +on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person +or two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the +"first-class hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed +and pompous on board the heaving and tossing ship +as he did behind his marble slab in "the office." "The +sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the starch +out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time. +And from an overheard conversation between two hardy, +noble specimens of men that are men—two officers of the +stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort of the be-whiskered gentleman +is in danger of a commutation.</p> + +<p>"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut +of his jib coming aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and +I've got to travel together, and we'll settle a little odd +reckoning, if you please, or if you don't please, afore we see +the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack hotel in +York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced +good fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey, +loblolly-looking swab, puts on his airs, sticks up his nose, +and hardly condescends to exchange signals with me. Ha! +ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take the tail +feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same +hardy, frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already +formed something of a brief acquaintance. The person +to whom Brace was addressing himself was the second +officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that whatever +nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things +uneasy for Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class +hotel," was to be done, by mutual management of the +two salt-water jokers.</p> + +<p>"It appears to me, that a—bless me, sir, a—how this +ship rolls!" said Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing +Mr. Brace; "I—a never saw a ship roll so."</p> + +<p>"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what +we'll catch before a week's out."</p> + +<p>"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops, +balancing himself on first one leg and then the other.</p> + +<p>"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta +any time than go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast +than are lost anywhere else on the four seas."</p> + +<p>"You don't say so!" said Lollypops.</p> + +<p>"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging +private and mysterious signals with the second officer, +who held the wheel.</p> + +<p>"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr. +Brown did let her up, and the way the Triton took head +down and heels up and a roll to windward, did not speak +so well for the nautical <i>menage</i> of the officers as it did for +the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers. The +avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors +look quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient +voyager or two, and sundry other travelling gentry—very +suddenly into the cabin. The next day the same performance +followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck was a +signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double <i>roll</i> +on the ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and +reefs, dangerous points and dreadful currents were descanted +upon, until Mr. Lollypops' health, at the end of the first +week, was no better fast; in fact, he was getting sick of the +voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A fine +morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk +the decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders +to wash down the decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, <i>ergo</i>, +as far as the main top; immediately the first officer had the +men "going about," heaving here and letting go there; in +short, so endangering the hat and underpinning of the +be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was +fain to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl +into the cabin, damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted +with what he had seen of the sea! Accidentally, one +afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or other, the +careless sailor who held it, or should have held it—"let go +all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood; +the result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown +and other equipments—ruined eternally! Going into +the cabin, Lollypops inquires for the Captain—</p> + +<p>"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am, +Sir; look at me, only look at me! In rough weather we do +not expect pleasant times at sea, but, Sir, ever since I have +been on board, Sir, your infernal officers, Sir, have thrown +this ship into all manner of unpleasant situations, kept the +decks wet, rattled chains over my berth, wang-banged the +rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all +over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not +all the result of accident—it's premeditated rascality!"</p> + +<p>"Sir"—says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis, +"my name's Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in +New York, you rather put on <i>airs</i>, and I said if you and I +ever got to sea together—we'd have a <i>blow</i> out. Now we're +about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter square—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!" +says Lollypops.</p> + +<p>"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run +to Orleans!" continued officer Brace.</p> + +<p>Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got +over his anger, vowed to look deeper into character, and +never again rebuff honest manliness, though hid under the +coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A hearty laugh +closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination +attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for +a finer, drier craft never danced over the ocean wave, than +that good ship, under <i>rational</i> management.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="The_Broomstick_Marriage" id="The_Broomstick_Marriage"></a>The Broomstick Marriage.</h2> + + +<p>"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored +idea, and calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance +which, according to pretty lively authority, once +came about in the glorious Empire State. A certain Captain +of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant +temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was +"laid up," over winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee +county. Having nearly exhausted his private stock of +jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life and liveliness of +the season, he bethought him how he should create a little +<i>stir</i>, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor, +who had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by +his rather <i>taking</i> person and manners, cut <ins title="somethiug">something</ins> of a +swath in the community, and especially amongst the <i>calico!</i></p> + +<p>The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access +to private society that ordinary circumstances did not vouch +to most men. Among the many families with which Dr. +Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of old Capt. +Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his +hale old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude +of agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering +salt, whimsical, but generous and social, as old sailors most +generally are. He was supposed to be in easy circumstances, +but <i>how</i> easy, very few knew.</p> + +<p>Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters, +one married and "settled," the other two at home; an +ancient colored woman, who had served in the Captain's +family,—ship and shore—a lifetime. Dinah and old Sam, +her husband, with two or three farm-laborers, constituted +the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter, +the old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but +that not being warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of +attachment, he ever called his daughter, Betsy, and so she +was called by <i>almost</i> everybody at all familiar with the +family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject, by +name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of +four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful. +She was useful, and even ornamental in her old +father's eyes, and, as he was wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten +salt-water <i>linguæ</i>—</p> + +<p>"Betsy was a <i>craft</i>, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted +craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut, +Baltimore clipper, fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees! +Betsy is a <i>woman</i>; her mother was just like her when I fell +in with her, and it wasn't long afore I chartered her for a +life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman slip her +cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,' +when he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command, +is not a <i>man</i>, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!"</p> + +<p>Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt. +Figgles, there was an intimacy of some years' standing, but +the old Captain and the young Captain didn't exactly "hitch +horses"—whether it was because Capt. T. came under the +old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked +upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not.</p> + +<p>Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so +sort of business sociality, though both the junior Captain +and the Doctor were intimate enough with both the Miss +Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was about to +leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of +old Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical +joke, or have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a +yarn for the season, on his boat.</p> + +<p>The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the +Doctor and Captain were among the invited guests, of +course, and for some hours the assembled party had indeed +as grand a good time generally as usually falls to the lot of +a country community. Old black Ebenezer—but whose +name had also been cut down for convenience sake to <i>Sam</i>, +by the old Captain—did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle, +which, aided by a youngster on the triangle and another on +the tambourine, formed quite "a full band" for the occasion, +and dancing was done up in style!</p> + +<p>As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the +programme, somebody proposed games of this and games of +that, and while old Capt. Figgles was as busy as "a flea in +a tar bucket"—to use the old gentleman's simile—fulminating +and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg flip for the entire +party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of paired +off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss +Figgleses, to get up their own game.</p> + +<p>"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy, +Doctor, and I'll pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter +of Capt. F.), and now what say you? Let's make up a +wedding-party—<i>let's jump the broomstick!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?"</p> + +<p>"I'll be parson," says Capt. T.</p> + +<p>"Well, get your book."</p> + +<p>"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of +current Scripture into the <i>pseudo</i> parson's hands.</p> + +<p>"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt. +Tiller, assuming quite the air and grace of the parson.</p> + +<p>Bridesmaids, grooms, &c., were soon arranged in due +order, and the interesting ceremony of joining hands and +hearts in one happy bond of mutual and indissoluble +(slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was progressing.</p> + +<p>"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting +the old man, now busy concocting his grog for all hands.</p> + +<p>"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old +gentleman; "haven't you common decency to see when a +man's engaged in a <i>calculation</i> he oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?"</p> + +<p>"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber, +who, in fact, was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss +Betsy, and had had a slight inkling of a fact that by the +law of the State anybody could marry a couple, and the +marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as though +performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young +folks "in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief.</p> + +<p>"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles.</p> + +<p>"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain.</p> + +<p>"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout," +said the old gent.</p> + +<p>"But don't you know, Cap'n——"</p> + +<p>"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited +Captain. "Bear away out of here," he continued, beginning +to get down the glasses from the corner-cupboard +shelves, "unless—but stop! hold on! here, take this waiter, +Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to +stand by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts +and braces, dry as powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all +hands—ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the old Captain; "bear up, +the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't nobody +stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral—come up +and try Capt. Figgles's grog!"</p> + +<p>And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the +<i>le'ard</i>, sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping +bowl he knew he was "in for" from the hands of his indulgent +old master.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour, +and the bride and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the +rest of the company as happily together as turtle-doves in a +clover-patch. The evening's entertainment wound up with +an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting ended. Dr. Mutandis +lived some five miles distant, and having a call to +make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M. +concluded to stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was +leaving, he took occasion to whisper into the ear of his +medical friend—</p> + +<p>"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if +you did but know it—fast as a church! Good time to you +and Betsy!"</p> + +<p>"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me, +since I come to think it over, that the laws of this State do +privilege anybody to marry a couple! By thunder! it +would be a fine spot of work for me if I was held to the +ceremony by Miss Figgles!"</p> + +<p>But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast, +he departed upon his business. He had no sooner +entered the house of his patient, than he was wished much +joy and congratulated upon the <i>fatness</i> and jolly good +nature of his bride!</p> + +<p>"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair. +It's all a hoax—a mere bit of fun!"</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?—you call getting +married <i>fun</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's; +there was a quilting and sort of a frolic going on——"</p> + +<p>"Yes, we heard of it."</p> + +<p>"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt. +Tiller proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and +I stood up, and Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had +some sport."</p> + +<p>"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house), +"Capt. Tiller has got you into a tight place, Doctor; he's +been around, laughing at the trick he's played you, as perhaps +you were not aware of the fact that by the law you are +now just as legally and surely married as though the knot +was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!"</p> + +<p>"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged +Doctor. "He's a scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!"</p> + +<p>"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object, +and her father is willing and satisfied with the match +as it is, I don't see, Doctor, that you need mind the matter."</p> + +<p>"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor.</p> + +<p>"You were never previously married, were you?" says +the farmer.</p> + +<p>"No, sir," replied the Doctor.</p> + +<p>"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator.</p> + +<p>"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly +as increasing my responsibilities to society!"</p> + +<p>"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate +you upon this very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable +joke, for Capt. Figgles is worth nearly a quarter of a +million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy is no gaudy butterfly, +but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may be proud of +as your wife."</p> + +<p>"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go +back to the Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the +pardon of Miss Figgles and her father, and terminate this +unpleasant farce."</p> + +<p>The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon +they were at Capt. Figgles's door.</p> + +<p>"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse +I <i>can</i> offer for the fool I've made of myself, through +that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but, sir——"</p> + +<p>"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor +broad in the face, "I've got wind of the whole affair; now +ease off your palaver. You've married my daughter Betsy, +in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a Commodore, and all +I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if you don't +want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey +for the rest of your natural life."</p> + +<p>"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir."</p> + +<p>"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say +you—are you willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or +not? Hold up your head, my gal—speak out!"</p> + +<p>"Yes—<i>I'm agreed, if he is</i>," said she.</p> + +<p>"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to +the Doctor), to make all right and tight, I here give you, +in presence of the 'Squire, my favorite daughter Betsy, +and one of the best farms in the State of New York. Are +you satisfied, Doctor?"</p> + +<p>"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter +a happy woman!" returned the Doctor, and he did; he +became the founder of a large family, and one of the +wealthiest men in the State.</p> + +<p>Rather pleased, finally, with the <i>joke</i>, the Doctor managed +to turn it upon the Captain, who in due course of law was +arrested upon the charge of illegally personating a parson, +and marrying a couple without a license! He was fined +fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus caused to +laugh on the wrong side of his mouth.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Appearances_are_Deceitful" id="Appearances_are_Deceitful"></a>Appearances are Deceitful.</h2> + + +<p>There are a great many good jokes told of the false +notions formed as to the character and standing of +persons, as judged by their dress and other outward signs. +It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone of voice, +are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the +present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt +address, or shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for +putting, however honest, or worthy, a man in a prominent +attitude before the world, or the community he moves in. +Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety, sometimes assume +an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers +all very well, as long as they keep where they are known; +but to find out the levelling principles of utter nothingness +among your fellow mortals, only assume a shabby apparel +and stroll out among strangers, and you'll be essentially +<i>knocked</i> by the force of these facts. However, in this or +almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any +excuse, for a man, woman, or child going about or being +"shabby." Let your garments, however coarse, be made +clean and whole, and keep them so; if you have but one +shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the fragments +washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the +refreshing and purifying effects of water.</p> + +<p>General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of +South Carolina. A man he was of the most punctilious precision +in manners and customs, in courtesy, and cleanliness +of dress and person; a man of brilliant talents, and, in +every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr. +Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and +during his sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old +lady by the name of Hall, I think—Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim +and precise dame of the old regime. Mistress Hall was a +widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old mansion, +on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members +of Congress, or belonged to the Continental army. +Never, since the days of that remarkable lady we read of in +the books, who made her servant take her chair out of doors, +and air it, if any body by chance sat down on it, and who +was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed +the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,—exceeded +Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette; +hence it may be well imagined that "shabby people" and the +"small fry" generally, found little or no favor in the eyes of +the Quaker landlady of "ye olden time."</p> + +<p>General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned +his place, it was filled by another noted individual of Charleston, +General Lowndes, one of the most courteous and talented +men of his day, but the slovenliest and most shockingly +ill-accoutred man on record. But for the care and +watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence +at the time—Mrs. Lowndes,—the General would probably +have frequently appeared in public, with his coat inside out, +and his shirt over all!</p> + +<p>General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended +by his friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's; +General P. giving General Lowndes a letter of introduction +to that lady. Travelling was a slow and tedious, as well as +fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that after a +journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with +some pretensions to dress and respectable <i>contour</i>, would +be apt to look a little "mussy;" but for the poor General's +part, he looked hard enough, in all conscience, and had he +known the <i>effect</i> such an appearance was likely to produce +upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the +temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views +were far above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a +thing as paying deferential courtesies to a man's garments, +was something not dreamed of in his philosophy.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant +answering the ponderous, lion-headed knocker.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis +way, sah, into de parlor, sah."</p> + +<p>The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place +were seated a dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big +bugs" of the olden time. Not one moved to offer the stranger +a seat by the fire, although his warm Southern blood +was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the evening. +The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy +and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await +the presence of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing; +coming into the parlor, with her astute cap upon her +majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her nose, as stately +as a stage queen!</p> + +<p>"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and +making a very polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes +with considerable diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I—a—purpose +remaining in the city some time, and—a—I shall be pleased +to put up with you."</p> + +<p>"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply. +"My house is full; I cannot accommodate you."</p> + +<p>"Well, really, that <i>will</i> be a disappointment, indeed," +said the General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and +may find it difficult to procure permanent lodgings."</p> + +<p>"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are <i>taverns</i> enough, +where strangers are entertained."</p> + +<p>The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender +the stranger any information upon the subject, but several +eyed him very hard, and doubtless felt pleased to see the +discomfitted and ill-accoutred traveller seize his baggage, +adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which <i>he</i> was evidently +very loth to do.</p> + +<p>Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred +to him that Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at +the widow's, and also had given him a letter of introduction +to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence caused the General to retrace +his steps back into the parlor, where, placing his +portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened +it, and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no +small wonder of the landlady and her respectable boarders.</p> + +<p>"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly +said the General, still overhauling his baggage.</p> + +<p>"A letter for <i>me</i>, sir?" responded the lady.</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended +me to stop with you. Ah, here it is, from your +friend General Pinckney, of South Carolina."</p> + +<p>"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen +present cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore +open the letter, while Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau, +and all of a sudden, quite an incarnation spread its +roseate hues over her still elegant features.</p> + +<p>Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening, +madam, good evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the +institution, when the lady arrested him with:</p> + +<p>"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?"</p> + +<p>"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with +a dignified bow.</p> + +<p>According to all accounts, just then, there was a very +sudden rising about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs, +as if they had all just been <i>struck</i> with the idea that there +was a stranger about!</p> + +<p>"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I +don't wish to disturb any of you, as I'm about to leave."</p> + +<p>"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr. +Pinckney is welcome to my house. Though we are full, I +can make room for <i>you</i>, sir."</p> + +<p>The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate +friends, when they became better acquainted.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Cigar_Smoke" id="Cigar_Smoke"></a>Cigar Smoke</h2> + + +<p>Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars +consumed in this country, daily, to say little or nothing of +the yearly smokers. The growing passion for the noxious +weed is truly any thing but pleasantly contemplative. A +boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and +by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house +developed faculties, quite advanced in years! And +street smoking, too, has increased, at a rate, within a year +past, that bids fair to make the Puritan breezes of our +evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as meets one's +nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New +York. There is but one idea of useful import that we can +advance in favor of smoking, to any great extent, in our +city: consumption and asthmatic disorders generally are +more prevalent here than in other and more southern climates, +and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking, to a +moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable; +but an indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a +dead waste of much ready money, but injurious to the eyes, +teeth, breath, taste, smell, and all other senses.</p> + + + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="Everlasting_Tall_Duel" id="Everlasting_Tall_Duel"></a>An Everlasting Tall Duel</h2> + + +<p>After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's +life, especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, +there is a great deal of music mixed up with the misery, +fun with the fuss and feathers, and incident enough to last +a man the balance of a long lifetime.</p> + +<p>While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of +the Ohio volunteer regiment were paid off one day, and, of +course, all who could get <i>leave</i>, started to town, to have a +time, and get clear of their hard earnings.</p> + +<p>The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated +by the Americans, that and the succeeding day. +Several of the officers invested a portion of their funds in +mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut. Dick Mason +and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams. +Now, it so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole +Mason's mule, and being caught during the day with the +stolen property on him, or he on it, the high-handed private, +(who, barring his propensity to ride in preference to +walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular +with the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken.</p> + +<p>"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut. +Dick, "I'll give him a lamming he won't forget soon!"</p> + +<p>And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the +Lieutenant had him whipped severely. This riled up Adjt. +Wash., who, in good, round, unvarnished terms, volunteered +to lick the Lieutenant—out of his leathers! From words +they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow or +other the Lieutenant came out second best—bad licked! +This sort of a finale did not set well upon the stomach of +the gallant Lieutenant; so he ups and writes a challenge to +the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat; and readily finding +a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and delivered to +Adjt. Armstrong, Company ——, Ohio volunteers. All +these preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in, +Camargo. The Adjutant readily accepted the invitation to +step out and be shot at; and, having scared up his second, +and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels, or other +sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making +wills or leaving posthumous information. The duel went +forward with alacrity, but all of a sudden it was discovered +by the several interested parties that no arms were in the +crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp and look +for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that +could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous +tools as could be found at hand, and go into the +merits of the case at once. At length the Adjutant and +friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a pistol, +brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in +the year 1—sometime. It was a <i>scrougin</i>' thing to hold +powder and lead, and went off once in three times with the +intonation of a four-pounder.</p> + +<p>"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do."</p> + +<p>"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the +tool, and swallowing down a fresh invoice of <i>ardiente</i>, the +fighting men start to muster up their opponents, whom they +found armed and equipped, upon a footing equal to the +other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant having a little +<i>heavier</i> piece, with a bore into which a gill measure might +be thrown.</p> + +<p>"But—the difference!" cried seconds and principals.</p> + +<p>"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant.</p> + +<p>"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds.</p> + +<p>"Where shall we go?"</p> + +<p>"Anywhere!"</p> + +<p>"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious +seconds; "don't want a crowd. Come on!" continue the +seconds, very valorously; "let's fight!"</p> + +<p>"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a +chaparral, a mile or so from town; "here is our ground!"</p> + +<p>The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about +that, for the bushes were so thick and high that precious +little <i>ground</i> was visible.</p> + +<p>"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions, +is it?" says the Adjutant's second.</p> + +<p>"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the <i>ground</i>, if +you can find it; let us go to work."</p> + +<p>"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second.</p> + +<p>"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds.</p> + +<p>"No, ten!" cry the principals.</p> + +<p>"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's +second. "Twenty paces; one, two, three——"</p> + +<p>And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance, +the pieces were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all +around from an ample jug of the R. G. they brought for +the purpose, and then began the memorable duel. The +principals were placed in their respective positions, to rake +down each other; and from a safer point of the compass +the seconds gave the word.</p> + +<p>"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him +down flat as a hoe-cake.</p> + +<p>"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire.</p> + +<p>The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place +upon a "question" whether the Lieutenant had a <i>right</i> +to prime and fire again, or not. The Adjutant being set +upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing to let the +Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by +loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the +Lieutenant, placing the men, and giving the word,</p> + +<p>"One, two, three!"</p> + +<p>"Wang-g-g-g!"</p> + +<p>"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!"</p> + +<p>The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man, +both being down; but whether by concussion, recoil of their +fusees, force of the liquor, or weakness of the knee-pans, +was a hard fact to solve.</p> + +<p>"Hurt, Wash.?"</p> + +<p>"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up.</p> + +<p>"Hit, Dick?"</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir!</i>" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!"</p> + +<p>"Set 'em up!"</p> + +<p>"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds.</p> + +<p>All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-<i>chug</i> +go both men again. The seconds rush forward, raise +their men, all safe, load up again, take a drink, all right.</p> + +<p>"Make ready, take aim, fire!"</p> + +<p>"Wang-g-g!"</p> + +<p>"Bang-g-g!"</p> + +<p>Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated, +and the Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg +of his breeches! Both parties getting very mad, very tired, +and very anxious to try it on at ten paces. Seconds object, +pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and,</p> + +<p>"One, two, three, fire!"</p> + +<p>"Wang-g-g-g!"</p> + +<p>"Bang-g-g!"</p> + +<p>All down—load up again—take a drink—fire! and down +they go again. It is very natural to suppose that all this +firing attracted somebody's attention, and somebody came +poking around to see what it was all about; and just then, +as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through +the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive—Bang-g! wang-g! +and though it seemed impossible to hit one another, the +slugs, ricochetting over and through the chaparral, knocked +down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary murder, and the +rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds, not +<i>quite</i> so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to +evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him +one way, and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a +"Corporal's Guard" made their appearance to arrest the +<i>rioters</i>. In spite of the poor Mexicans' protestations, or +endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up and +carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and +raising a row in general. A night's repose brought the +morning's reflection, when the previous day's performances +were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash, and Dick became +good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of fraternity +in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in +storming Monterey.</p> + + +<p class='center' style='margin-top:4em;margin-bottom:4em;'>THE END.</p> + +<div id='back-matter-ads'> + +<hr class="chapter" /> +<h2><a name="LIST_OF_PUBLICATIONS" id="LIST_OF_PUBLICATIONS"></a> +T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS</h2> +<hr class="chapter" /> + + +<h3 style='line-height:2em;'> + <span style="font-size:150%;">WIDDIFIELD'S</span><br /> + + <span style="font-size:175%;">NEW COOK BOOK:</span><br /> + + <span style="font-size:66%;">OR,</span><br /> + + <span style="font-family:sans-serif;font-weight:bold;">PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE</span>. +</h3> +<h4> + <span style="font-size:66%;">BY</span><br /> + + <span style="font-size:125%;font-weight:bold;">HANNAH WIDDIFIELD</span>, +</h4> +<p class='center'> + <i>Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article + she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia.</i> +</p> +<hr style='margin:0.5em auto 0.5em auto;' /> +<p class='center' style='font-weight:bold;'>Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One Dollar.</p> +<hr style='margin:0.5em auto 0.5em auto;' /> + +<p>There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a +copy of this work at once. It will give you all better meals and +make your cost of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and +brothers in an excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands, +and is the <i>best</i> and only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant. +It is written so that all can understand it. It is taking the place +of all other Cook Books, for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S +NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as a copy of this is worth all +the other books, called Cook Books, in the World.</p> + +<p><i>Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it.</i></p> + +<div class='blockquot'> +<p>"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the +best families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady +in her profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth +above Spruce street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best +livers in our city. The receipts cover almost every variety of cake +or dish, and every species of cooking. One great advantage which +this book enjoys over almost every other is the simplicity with which +the ingredients are set forth, and the comparatively moderate cost +at which particular receipts may be got up. In most cook books the +directions cover so large a cost, that to common livers the directions +had almost as well not be given. This objection has been measurably +removed in this new volume. Another important matter is, no +receipts are contained in it but those fully tested, not only by the +author, but by cooks and housekeepers most competent to judge. +The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish, oysters, meat, +poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has been given +to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and convalescent. +Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style, +wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is +sold at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on +receipt of One Dollar."</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it.</i></p> + +<div class='blockquot'> +<p>"A number of good books on this subject have been published +lately, but this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen +Its superiority is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical +directness of the receipts; they are easily understood and followed. +The book looks like what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful +practice. The establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many +years held the first rank in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence +of every article there made; and now she crowns her well deserved +celebrity by giving to the world <i>the best book that has been written on +the subject of cookery</i>. The clear type in which the publisher presents +it is no slight addition to its value."</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it.</i></p> +<div class='blockquot'> +<p>"<span class="smcap">A Valuable Work.</span>—Next to having something to eat is +having it cooked in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does +not understand this art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary +teaching. This want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has +just published Mrs. Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience +of that celebrated person in this line is given so clearly and +with such precise details, that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity +to undertake the management of household affairs, can make herself +an accomplished caterer for the table without serving an apprenticeship +to the business. The book is published in one volume, the +typography good, and paper excellent, with as much real useful information +in the volume as would be worth a dozen times its price. +Get it at once."</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Read what the Editors' wives think of it.</i></p> + +<p>"It is unquestionably the <i>best</i> Cook Book we have ever seen."—<i>Saturday +Evening Post.</i></p> + +<p>"It is <i>the best</i> of the many works on Cookery which have appeared. +The receipts are all plain and practical, and have never +before appeared in print."—<i>Germantown Telegraph.</i></p> + +<p>"It is the <i>best</i> Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should +get a copy at once."—<i>Berks Co. Press.</i></p> + +<p>"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the +subject of Cookery extant."—<i>Ladies' National Magazine.</i></p> + +<p>"It is the <i>very best</i> book on Cookery and Receipts published."—<i>Dollar +Newspaper.</i></p> + +<p>"It is the <i>very best family Cook Book in existence</i>, and we cordially +recommend it as such to our readers."—<i>Evening Bulletin.</i></p> + +<p>"It is <i>the best Cook Book</i> we have ever seen."—<i>Washington Union.</i></p> + +<p>☞ Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to +any one to any place, <i>free of postage</i>, on remitting One Dollar to the +Publisher, in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling +and Publishing House of</p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> + <span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> +<p><i>To whom all orders must come addressed.</i> +</p> +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<div class='center' style='line-height:2em;'> + +<span style="font-size:150%;">BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE.</span><br /> +<hr class='doublewide' /> + <span style="font-size:110%;font-family:sans-serif;">BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES</span>.<br /> + +<span style="font-size:90%;letter-spacing:3px;">PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:150%;font-weight:bold;letter-spacing:4px;"> T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:125%;">No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.</span><br /> +<hr style="margin:1em auto;" /> +<p style='text-align:center;'> + IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST + AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND + CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD.<br /> + + <span style="font-size:75%;font-family:sans-serif;">AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND</span> +</p> +<p class='ads'> + CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S, + G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S, + T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON + AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON + BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S + HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S, + GEORGE SANDS', + CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD. +</p> +<p class='ads'> + <span style="font-size:150%;">☞</span>The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what + books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble. +</p> +<hr class='doublewide' /> +</div> + +<p><b>SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.</b>—Any person whatever in this +country, wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price +of the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102 +Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail, to +any place in the United States, <i>free of postage</i>. This is a splendid offer, +as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country, for the +regular price sold in the large cities, <i>free of postage</i>, on sending for them.</p> + +<p>☞ All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent +by return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person +ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others +supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates.</p> + +<p>☞ Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here.</p> + +<p>☞ Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &c., +throughout the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would +do well to address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for +a comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you +may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of</p> + +<p style='text-align:right;'><b>T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></p> + +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<div class='center'> +<p style='text-align:center;line-height:2em;'> +<span style="font-size:150%;font-weight:bold;letter-spacing:4px;"> T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:125%;">No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:75%;font-family:sans-serif;">HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE,</span><br /> + + STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS,<br /> +</p> +<p style='text-align:center;'> + Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications, + by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World. +</p> + Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail. +<p style='text-align:center;font-size:90%;'> + All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place, + per mail, <i>free of postage</i>, on receipt of the price. +</p> +</div> + +<hr class='small' /> +<h3>MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS</h3> +<p class='center'><b>With a beautiful Illustration in each volume.</b></p> + +<p class='ads'>INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. +Southworth. This is her new work, and is equal to any of her +previous ones. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price +One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs. +Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. +Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a +Splendid Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest. +It is embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the +author. Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or +bound in one volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By +Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. +Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound +in one volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. +Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; +or bound in cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete +in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in +one volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter +of the celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor +of England. This is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is +one of the best works ever published in the English language, and +will be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir +Walter Scott's celebrated novels. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy.</p> + + +<h3>CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='center'><b>The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions. +No Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works. +Reprinted from the Author's last Editions.</b></p> + +<p>"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles +Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the original +London editions, and are now the only edition published in this country. +No library, either public or private, can be complete without having in it +a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all living authors. +Every family should possess a sett of one of the editions. The cheap +edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover; either or all of which +can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each. The following are their names.</p> + +<div style='width:100%;position:relative;'> +<div style='font-size:90%;width:48%;float:left;'> +DAVID COPPERFIELD,<br /> +NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,<br /> +PICKWICK PAPERS,<br /> +DOMBEY AND SON,<br /> +MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,<br /> +BARNABY RUDGE,<br /> +OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,<br /> +SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"<br /> +OLIVER TWIST<br /> +BLEAK HOUSE +</div> +<div style='font-size:90%;width:48%;float:right;'> +<p class='ads'>DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. +Nine New Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. +The Miner's Daughters, etc. +</p> +<p class='ads'> +CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing—A Christmas Carol. The Chimes. +Cricket on the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and +Pictures from Italy. +</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p style='clear:both;'>A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be sent +to any one to any place, <i>free of postage</i>, for Five Dollars.</p> +<hr class='small' /> +<h4>COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION.</h4> + +<p>In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles +Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely +printed, and bound in various styles.</p> + +<div> +<table width='100%' summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td>Volume</td><td>1</td><td>contains</td><td style='width:75%'>Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop.</td></tr> +<tr><td>"</td><td>2</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge.</td></tr> +<tr><td>"</td><td>3</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit.</td></tr> +<tr><td>"</td><td>4</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories, and Pictures from Italy.</td></tr> +<tr><td>"</td><td>5</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune Wildred, etc.</td></tr> +</table> + <br /> +<table width='100%' summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td>Price of a complete sett. Bound in </td><td>Black cloth, full gilt back,</td> <td class='r'> $7.50</td></tr> +<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>scarlet cloth, extra,</td> <td class='r'> 8 50</td></tr> +<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>library sheep,</td> <td class='r'> 9 00</td></tr> +<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>half turkey morocco,</td> <td class='r'>11 00</td></tr> +<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>half calf, antique,</td> <td class='r'> 15 00</td></tr> +</table> + +<p class='center'> ☞ <i>Illustrated Edition is described on next page.</i> ☜</p> +</div> +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<p class='center' style='font-weight:bold;font-size:110%;'>ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS.</p> + +<p>This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is profusely +illustrated, with all the original illustrations by Cruikshank, Alfred +Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London edition, on copper, steel, +and wood. Each volume contains a novel complete, and may be had in +complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth, for Eighteen Dollars for the +sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will be sold separately, as follows:</p> + +<div style='width:100%;position:relative;'> +<div style='width:48%;font-size:90%;float:left;'> +<table summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td>BLEAK HOUSE,</td><td class='r'><i>Price</i>, $1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>PICKWICK PAPERS,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>OLIVER TWIST,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>BARNABY RUDGE,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<div style='width:48%;font-size:90%;float:right;'> +<table summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td>NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>DAVID COPPERFIELD,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>DOMBEY AND SON,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>CHRISTMAS STORIES,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +<tr><td>DICKENS' NEW STORIES,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<table style='clear:both' summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td class='a' style='width:80%'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve +vols., in black cloth, gilt back,</td><td class='r'>$18,00</td></tr> + +<tr><td class='a'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve +vols., in full law library sheep,</td><td class='r'>$24,00</td></tr> + +<tr><td class='a'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve +vols., in half turkey Morocco,</td><td class='r'>$27,00</td></tr> + +<tr><td class='a'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve +vols., in half calf, antique,</td><td class='r'>$36,00</td></tr> +</table> + +<p class='center' style='clear:both;'><i>All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style with +all the previous ten different editions.</i></p> +</div> + +<h3>CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last +is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each +forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself.</p> + +<div style='width:100%'> +<ul style='float:left;width:50%'> + <li>PETER SIMPLE.</li> + <li>JACOB FAITHFUL.</li> + <li>THE PHANTOM SHIP.</li> + <li>MIDSHIPMAN EASY.</li> + <li>KING'S OWN.</li> + <li>NEWTON FORSTER.</li> + <li>JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER.</li> + <li>PACHA OF MANY TALES.</li> +</ul> +<ul> + <li>NAVAL OFFICER.</li> + <li>PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS.</li> + <li>SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend.</li> + <li>PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts.</li> + <li>POOR JACK. Price 50 cents.</li> + <li>SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</li> + <li>VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents.</li> +</ul> +</div> + + +<h3 style='margin-top:2em;'>ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS.</h3> + +<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo volume, +complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.</p> + +<div style='width:100%'> +<ul style='float:left;width:50%;margin-top:0;'> + <li>THE ORPHAN NIECE.</li> + <li>KATE WALSINGHAM.</li> + <li>THE POOR COUSIN.</li> + <li>ELLEN WAREHAM.</li> + <li>THE QUIET HUSBAND.</li> + <li>WHO SHALL BE HEIR?</li> + <li>THE SECRET FOE.</li> + <li>AGNES SERLE.</li> +</ul> +<ul> + <li>THE HEIRESS.</li> + <li>PRINCE AND PEDLER.</li> + <li>MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER.</li> + <li>THE FRIGHT.</li> + <li>NAN DARRELL.</li> + <li>THE SQUIRE.</li> + <li>THE EXPECTANT.</li> + <li>THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts.</li> +</ul> +</div> + + +<h3>MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS +OF AMERICAN LIFE. With a Portrait of the Author. Complete +in two large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one +volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete +in two large volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar, +or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete +in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one +volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being +the last book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death. +Complete in two large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or +bound in one volume, for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two +volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, +cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of +the South. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, +or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth +gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price +One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it, +written by Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published +in any other edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in +two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, +cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p> + + +<h3>T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +the most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no +better books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them.</p> + +<div style='width:100%'> +<ul style='float:left;width:50%;margin-top:0;'> + <li>YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE.</li> + <li>THE DIVORCED WIFE.</li> + <li>THE BANKER'S WIFE.</li> + <li>PRIDE AND PRUDENCE.</li> + <li>CECILIA HOWARD.</li> + <li>MARY MORETON.</li> + <li>LOVE IN A COTTAGE.</li> + <li>LOVE IN HIGH LIFE.</li> + <li>THE TWO MERCHANTS.</li> + <li>LADY AT HOME.</li> +</ul><ul> + <li>TRIAL AND TRIUMPH.</li> + <li>THE ORPHAN CHILDREN.</li> + <li>THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER.</li> + <li>INSUBORDINATION.</li> + <li>LUCY SANDFORD.</li> + <li>AGNES, or the Possessed.</li> + <li>THE TWO BRIDES.</li> + <li>THE IRON RULE.</li> + <li>THE OLD ASTROLOGER.</li> + <li>THE SEAMSTRESS.</li> +</ul> +</div> + + +<h3>CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete +in one large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or +an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One +Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By +Charles Lever. Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty +cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. +Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one +large octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition +on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large +octavo volume of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on +finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo +volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in +cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete +in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition +on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New +Book. Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or +an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven +works. Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty +cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price +One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>VALENTINE VOX.—LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE +VOX, the Ventriloquist. By Henry Cockton. One of the most +humorous books ever published. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on +finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox, +the Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits +of Snap, Quirk, Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large +octavo vols., of 547 pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer +paper, bound in cloth, $1,50.</p> + +<h3>CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular +books ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. +Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812. +First and Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By +Charles J. Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J. +Peterson. Illustrated. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN. +A companion to Jane Eyre. Price 25 cents.</p> + + +<h3>EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it. +By Eugene Sue, author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest +work ever written. With illustrations. Complete in two large volumes, +octavo. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With +87 large illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands. +By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810. +Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + + +<h3>SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue," +"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12½ cents.</p> + + +<h3>MRS. GREY'S NOVELS.</h3> + +<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo volume, +complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.</p> + +<div style='width:100%'> +<ul style='float:left;width:45%'> + <li>DUKE AND THE COUSIN.</li> + <li>GIPSY'S DAUGHTER.</li> + <li>BELLE OF THE FAMILY.</li> + <li>SYBIL LENNARD.</li> + <li>THE LITTLE WIFE.</li> + <li>MANŒUVRING MOTHER.</li> + <li>LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters.</li> + <li>THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS.</li> +</ul><ul> + <li>THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA.</li> + <li>THE OLD DOWER HOUSE.</li> + <li>HYACINTHE.</li> + <li>ALICE SEYMOUR.</li> + <li>HARRY MONK.</li> + <li>MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents.</li> + <li>PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</li> +</ul> +</div> + +<h3>GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth, +By G. W. M. Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By +G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN +IN THE METROPOLIS OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds. +Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents.</p> + + +<h3>AINSWORTH'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>JACK SHEPPARD.—PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF +JACK SHEPPARD, the most noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker, +that ever lived. Embellished with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited +Illustrations, designed and engraved in the finest style of art, by +George Cruikshank, Esq., of London. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings. +This is beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever +published in the known world, and can be read and re-read with +pleasure and satisfaction by everybody. We advise all persons to +get it and read it. Two volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The +Chief of the Gunpowder Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated. +By William Harrison Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison +Ainsworth. With 17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth. +Full of Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William +Harrison Ainsworth. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth. +Being one of the most interesting Historical Romances ever written. +One large volume. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DICK TURPIN.—ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the +Highwayman, Burglar, Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HENRY THOMAS.—LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar +and Murderer. Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DESPERADOES.—ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF +THE DESPERADOES OF THE NEW WORLD. Full of engravings. +Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>NINON DE L'ENCLOS.—LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON +DE L'ENCLOS, with her Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage. +Illustrated. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime. +Beautifully illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT. +Written by himself. Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of +Mrs. Ellen Lynch and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of +his life and misdeeds, from the time of his birth until he was hung. +Illustrated with portraits. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>JACK ADAMS.—PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK +ADAMS; the celebrated Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier, +author of "The Spitfire." Full of illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>GRACE O'MALLEY.—PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF +GRACE O'MALLEY. By William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild +Sports in the West." Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful +illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + + +<h3>ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF +RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE. Being the conclusion of "The +Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and "Bragelonne." By +Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420 octavo +pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and Engravings. +Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL +END OF THE IRON MASK. By Alexandre Dumas. This work +is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," +"Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far more interesting +and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors. Complete in +two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the best of +paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct Portraits of +"Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask." Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF +LOUIS THE FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully +embellished with thirty engravings, which illustrate the principal +scenes and characters of the different heroines throughout the work. +Complete in two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE +COURT OF LOUIS THE SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs +of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully illustrated +with portraits of the heroines of the work. Complete in two large +octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By +Alexandre Dumas. Being the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace; +or the Secret History of the Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and +"Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in one large octavo volume. +Price Seventy-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH +MONARCHY. By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final conclusion +of the "Memoirs of a Physician," "The Queen's Necklace," +and "Six Years Later, or Taking of the Bastile." All persons who +have not read Dumas in this, his greatest and most instructive production, +should begin at once, and no pleasure will be found so +agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and absorbing. Complete +in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in +the Sixteenth Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance. +Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with +numerous illustrative engravings. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of +Charles the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages, +printed on the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of +the Count of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in +one large octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized, +and is now played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country, +and it is exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a +book as Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a +better book. It is the most delightful book of the season. Price +Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE. +By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance of the French Revolution. +Complete in one large octavo volume of over 200 pages, +with numerous illustrative engravings. Price Fifty cents.</p> + + +<h3>GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American +Revolution. Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, +printed on the finest white paper. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of +Philadelphia Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous +Engravings. Complete in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages. +Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of +the Dark Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published. +Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the +Revolution. Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in, +two large octavo volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A +Romance of the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine. +It makes a large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the +finest white paper. Price Seventy-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late +President of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of +128 pages. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of +Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete +in one volume. Price Fifty cents.</p> + + +<h3>B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo +volume of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By +B. D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. +Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete +in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. +One volume, octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli, +M. P. One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.</p> + + +<h3>EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The +characters are boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete +with thrilling interest, and the language and descriptions natural and +graphic, as are all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50 +cents in paper cover, or One Dollar in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p class='ads'>VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete +in one large volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents +in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300 +pages, paper cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00.</p> + +<p class='ads'>KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS. +Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p class='ads'>BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume. +Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS. +By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of +Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN. +Complete in one large volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in +cloth gilt, $1 00.</p> + + +<h3>MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new +and approved methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters, +terrapins, turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles, +sweet meats, cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal +preparations of all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies, +laundry-work, needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also, +list of articles suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, +and much useful information and many miscellaneous subjects +connected with general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo +volume of 520 pages; and in it there will be found <i>One Thousand +and Eleven new Receipts</i>—all useful—some ornamental—and all +invaluable to every lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has +had a very extensive sale, and many thousand copies have been sold, +and the demand is increasing yearly, being the most complete work +of the kind published in the world, and also the latest and best, as, +in addition to Cookery, its receipts for making cakes and confectionery +are unequalled by any other work extant. New edition, enlarged +and improved, and handsomely bound. Price One Dollar a +copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss Leslie.</p> + + +<h3>GEORGE SANDS' WORKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand, +author of "Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming +and interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc. +A very bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents.</p> + + +<h3>HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS.<br /> +<span style="font-size:90%;letter-spacing:0;">WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS,</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:75%;letter-spacing:0;">AND BEAUTIFULLY ILLUMINATED COVERS</span>. +</h3> + +<p>We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following +HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best +possible style, full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the +best scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful +designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper. +There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in +the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only.</p> + +<h4>THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS.</h4> + +<p class='ads'>MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents, +and Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen +Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and +other Stories. By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis +Reveille.) With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C. +Neal, author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc. +With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and +Vagaries. By W. E. Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by +Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the +author of "Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and +others. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes, +Incidents, and Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada. +With Eight Illustrations from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of +humorous Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the +Wild West. By the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing +Oysters Alive," etc. With Illustrations from designs by Darley, +Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By +W. T. Porter, Esq., of the New York Spirit of the Times. With +Eight Illustrations and designs by Darley. Complete in one volume. +Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SIMON SUGGS.—ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late +of the Tallapoosa Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census," +and other Alabama Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait +from Life, and Nine other Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes," +etc. This is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that +will be recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias +Judge Haliburton. Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated +from the pen of any author. Every page will set you in a roar. +Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE +EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones, +author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western Scenes," etc. Price +Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters +and Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T. +Porter. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches +of Georgia Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of +"Major Jones' Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price +Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H. +Ingraham. It will interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a +good laugh should get it at once. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at +Melton Mowbray. By H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations. +Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE +"NEW ORLEANS PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the +Eastern Yankee, the Western Hoosier, and such others as make up +society in the great Metropolis of the South. With Illustrations by +Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The +Quorndon Hounds," "The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by +Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the +Fugitive Offspring of the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have +been "Laying Around Loose," and are now "tied up" for fast keeping. +With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial +evidence. By the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon +Hounds," etc. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. +For Sixteen years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of +the State of Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley. +Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by +Night and Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his +private journal. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal +Sketches," "Peter Faber," &c. With Illustrations from original +designs, by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other +Tales of Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. +With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL +RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer, +etc. Illustrated by Darley. Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings +in the West, Cincinnati in Early Life, etc. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK +AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., +with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It comprises a Sketch of the second +Seven years of his professional life, together with some Sketches of +Adventure in after years. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author +of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price +Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as +they were Twenty Years Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon +Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The Deer Stalkers," etc. With +Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P. +M. S. U. Ky. Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations +by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio +of a Southern Medical Student." With Illustrations from +designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p> + + +<h3>FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES.</h3> + +<p>Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with +the aid of these works, be enabled to <i>read</i>, <i>write</i> and <i>speak</i> the +language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction +whatever, provided they pay strict attention to the instructions laid +down in each book, and that nothing shall be passed over, without a +thorough investigation of the subject it involves: by doing which they +will be able to <i>speak</i>, <i>read</i> or <i>write</i> either language, at their +will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons +wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred +times their cost. These works have already run through several large +editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without +recommending it to his friends.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">GERMAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">SPANISH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Four Easy Lessons.<br /></span> +<span class="i6">ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Five Easy Lessons.<br /></span> +<span class="i8">LATIN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Price of either of the above Works, separate, 25 cents each—or the +whole five may be had for One Dollar, and will be sent <i>free of postage</i> to +any one on their remitting that amount to the publisher, in a letter.</p> + + +<h3>WORKS BY THE BEST AUTHORS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>FLIRTATIONS IN AMERICA; OR HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. A +capital book. 285 pages. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DON QUIXOTTE.—ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF +DON QUIXOTTE DE LA MANCHA, and his Squire Sancho Panza, +with all the original notes. 300 pages. Price 75 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WILD SPORTS IN THE WEST. By W. H. Maxwell, author of "Pictorial +Life and Adventures of Grace O'Malley." Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE ROMISH CONFESSIONAL; or, the Auricular Confession and Spiritual +direction of the Romish Church. Its History, Consequences, +and policy of the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the +best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It +is the Private Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and +of a highly cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows +up all the High and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts +in Paris. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly. +One of the best and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever +been printed. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only +edition published in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely +bound in muslin, gilt, price 75 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY, +with a large dissected plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life. +By the celebrated Dr. Hollick, author of "The Family Physician," +"Origin of Life," etc. Price One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DR. HOLLICK'S FAMILY PHYSICIAN; OR, THE TRUE ART OF +HEALING THE SICK. A book that should be in the house of +every family. It is a perfect treasure. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF THREE CITIES. Boston, New York, and Philadelphia. +Revealing the secrets of society in these various cities. All +should read it. By A. J. H. Duganne. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>RED INDIANS OF NEWFOUNDLAND. A beautifully illustrated Indian +Story, by the author of the "Prairie Bird." Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HARRIS'S ADVENTURES IN AFRICA. This book is a rich treat. +Two volumes. Price One Dollar, or handsomely bound, $1 50.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE PETREL; OR, LOVE ON THE OCEAN. A sea novel equal to the +best. By Admiral Fisher. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ARISTOCRACY, OR LIFE AMONG THE "UPPER TEN." A true +novel of fashionable life. By J. A. Nunes, Esq. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CABIN AND PARLOR. By J. Thornton Randolph. It is +beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition, +printed on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in +muslin, gilt, is published for One Dollar.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By +C. H. Wiley. Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley. +Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of +"Vanity Fair," "History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND +CICERO. By Henry William Herbert. This is one of the most +powerful Roman stories in the English language, and is of itself sufficient +to stamp the writer as a powerful man. Complete in two large +volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover, price One Dollar, or +bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams, +and illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every +Lady should possess. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or bound in +crimson cloth, gilt, for 75 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE COQUETTE. One of the best books ever written. One volume, octavo, +over 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WHITEFRIARS; OR, THE DAYS OF CHARLES THE SECOND. An +Historical Romance. Splendidly illustrated with original designs, by +Chapin. It is the best historical romance published for years. Price +50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WHITEHALL; OR, THE TIMES OF OLIVER CROMWELL. By the +author of "Whitefriars." It is a work which, for just popularity and +intensity of interest, has not been equalled since the publication of +"Waverly." Beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE SPITFIRE. A Nautical Romance. By Captain Chamier, author +of "Life and Adventures of Jack Adams." Illustrated. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>UNCLE TOM'S CABIN AS IT IS. One large volume, illustrated, +bound in cloth. Price $1 25.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FATHER CLEMENT. By Grace Kennady, author of "Dunallen," +"Abbey of Innismoyle," etc. A beautiful book. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father +Clement." Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and +Lower Tendom. By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged +edition, with numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold. +We have never seen a volume embracing any thing like the same +quantity of useful matter. The work is really a treasure. It should +speedily find its way into every family. It also contains a large and +entirely new Map of the United States, with full page portraits of +the Presidents of the United States, from Washington until the present +time, executed in the finest style of the art. Price 50 cents a +copy only.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto +Portrait, and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished +Statesman. Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price +$1 00 a copy only. Originally sold at $5 00 a copy.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story +of a Guardian and his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author +of the "Emigrant Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents +in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and +companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment—its +graphic and vigorous style—its truthful delineations of character—and +deep and powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry, +and Defence of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John +Graham. Price 37 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the +author to the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn. +By the author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price +One Dollar.</p> + + +<h3>WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY. +By Count Alfred D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay. +Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with +her full-length portrait. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess +of Blessington. A charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book. +Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe." +One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All +should read it. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author +of "Ten Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ABEDNEGO, THE MONEY LENDER. By Mrs. Gore. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF +ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20 plates. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>GLIDDON'S ANCIENT EGYPT, HER MONUMENTS, HIEROGLYPHICS, +HISTORY, ETC. Full of plates. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>BEAUTIFUL FRENCH GIRL; or the Daughter of Monsieur Fontanbleu. +Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF BEDLAM; OR, ANNALS OF THE LONDON MAD-HOUSE. +Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of +"Home Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq., +author of "Richelieu." Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane +Eyre," "Shirley," etc. Price 25 <ins title="cets">cents</ins>.</p> + +<p class='ads'>BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton +Myers. A Three Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever +owns a cow should have this book. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All +that own a horse should possess this work. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE COMPLETE KITCHEN AND FRUIT GARDENER, FOR POPULAR +AND GENERAL USE. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE COMPLETE FLORIST; OR FLOWER GARDENER. The best +in the world. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search +of a Husband." Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price +25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have +been proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well +told, and excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE +CHARITY SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the +late William Burns. Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent +book. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE. +A Tale founded on Facts. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By +William Carleton. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12½ cts.</p> + + +<h3>Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture +and Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and +Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce, +Physiology and Agriculture.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in +the animal body.</p> + +<p class='ads'>CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY +AND PATHOLOGY.</p> + +<p>T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor +Liebig's works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They +are bound in one large royal octavo volume, in Muslin gilt. Price for the +complete works bound in one volume, One Dollar and Fifty cents. The +three last are not published separately from the bound volume.</p> + + +<h3>EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS.</h3> + +<p class='ads'>THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12½ cts.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE SCHOOLBOY, AND OTHER STORIES. By Dickens. 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles +Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12½ cts.</p> + +<p class='ads'>BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles +Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12½ cts.</p> + +<p class='ads'>A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12½ cts.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words, +etc. Illustrated. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the +Twelve Apostles. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his +Portrait. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE +THRONE OF INIQUITY; or, sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse +in behalf of a law prohibiting the traffic in intoxicating drinks. +Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES, +ETC. By Lucretia Mott. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member +of the Euchre Club of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing. +Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12½ cents.</p> + +<p class='ads'>FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer +prices, and how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12½ cents.</p> + +<hr class="small" /> + +<p class='center'><b>T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale & Retail Cheap Book, Magazine, +Newspaper, Publishing and Bookselling Establishment, +is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia:</b><br /> +<span style="font-size:smaller;">From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no +matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers' +lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants, +Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the +City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive +collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find +all the <i>best, latest, and cheapest works</i> published in this country or +elsewhere, for sale very low.</span></p> + +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<h3><span style="font-size:200%;">THE FORGED WILL.</span></h3> +<hr class='small' /> + +<p class='center'><b>BY EMERSON BENNETT,</b><br /> +<span style="font-size:smaller">AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S DAUGHTER," ETC.</span></p> +<hr class='small' /> + +<p>THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large +volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is handsomely +bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR.</p> + +<p>ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in +a short time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's Cabin. +The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of the most powerfully +written works in the language.</p> + +<p>THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through +the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been appearing for ten +weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most popular nouvelettes that has ever +appeared in the columns of any newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared, +the back numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers +were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of the paper +were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three papers of it, for new subscribers +to their paper, which induced the publisher to make an arrangement with the popular +author to bring it out in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form.</p> + +<p>If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling stories of +border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new story of the '<span class="smcap">Forged Will</span>' +would have placed his name on the record as one of the best of American novelists. The +scenes, principally, of this most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and +most glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time, escape the +justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of retribution sooner or later; how +vice may, for a time, triumph over virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed, +until its very security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation, +but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and rejoices +triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears the veil that hides its +huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life as it exists in the crowded city. We do +cordially recommend this book for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated, +for it <i>must</i> do good.</p> + +<p>Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents only; or a +finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in one volume, +muslin, gilt, is published for One Dollar.</p> + +<hr class='small' /> + +<p>T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett, either or +all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any one, on receipt of the prices +annexed to them. All should send for one or more of them at once. No one will ever +regret the money sent.</p> + +<p><b>CLARA MORELAND</b>; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson +Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved to be one +of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in America, 336 pages. Price +Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in cloth, gilt.</p> + +<p><b>THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER.</b> By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara +Moreland," "Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p><b>WALDE-WARREN</b>, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett, +author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents.</p> + +<p><b>VIOLA</b>; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author of +"The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents.</p> + +<p>Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person at all, to any +part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price of the edition they +wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by</p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> + <span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class='chapter' /> +<h3><span style="font-family:sans-serif;font-size:200%;letter-spacing:5px;">VIOLA;</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:66%;">OR,</span><br /> +<span style="font-family:sans-serif;">ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST.</span> +</h3> +<hr class='small' /> + +<h4>BY EMERSON BENNETT,</h4> +<p class='ads' style='font-size:66%;'> AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE CLARENDON," +"BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S DAUGHTER," +ETC., ETC.</p> +<hr class='small' /> + +<p class='center'>READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS:</p> + +<p>"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to pronounce +it one of the very best productions of the talented author. The scenes are laid in Texas, +and the adjoining frontier. There is not a page that does not glow with thrilling and +interesting incident, and will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it. +The characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural throughout. We +have derived so much gratification from the perusal of this charming novel, that we are +anxious to make our readers share it with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it +to be read by all persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited +and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not only because +they are well written, but that they are, in most part, taken from events connected +with the history of our own country, from which much valuable information is derived, +and should, therefore, have a double claim upon our preference, over those works where +the incidents are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign climes. +The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in a style highly creditable +to the enterprising publisher."</p> + +<p>"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is the sequel and +conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of action and adventure, where +Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps the most captivating to the general mind +of all the walks of fiction. There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in +his style and stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is increasing. +One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels, as we may call +them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the open air and natural world about +them—free from the closeness, intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed +in works that treat of the vices and dissipations of large cities."—<i>Philadelphia +Saturday Evening Post.</i></p> + +<p>"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in and near +Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the characters are well drawn and +sustained. An interesting love plot runs through the book, which gives a faithful representation +of life in the far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued <span class="smcap">Viola</span> in his usual +neat style, and it is destined to have a great run."—<i>Clinton Tribune.</i></p> + +<p>"We have received the above work and found time to give it an examination. The +scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all the vividness for which the author +is so celebrated. Those who are particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures +may safely calculate upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and +handsomely printed."—<i>Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill.</i></p> + +<p>"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and interesting Romance +are found in Texas before and during the late Mexican war. It is written with +much spirit and pathos, and abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, and has an +interesting and romantic love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation +of 'Life in the Far South-West.' The author of '<span class="smcap">Viola</span>,' will rank among the most +popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and enterprise of his publisher, +T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general favorite."—<i>Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y.</i></p> + +<p>"This thrilling and interesting novel—equal to anything the celebrated author ever +wrote—has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would advise every one who +wants to get the value of his money, to get the book. Bennett's works are the most interesting +of any now published."—<i>Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio.</i></p> + +<p>THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large +volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is handsomely +bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS.</p> + +<p>Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at all, to any +part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price of the edition they +wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by</p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> + <span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class='chapter' /> +<h3><span style="font-size:150%;">THE ROMAN TRAITOR;</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:66%;">OR, THE DAYS OF</span><br /> +CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE.</h3> +<hr class='small' /> + + +<h3>BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT,<br /> +<span style="font-size:66%;">AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC.</span></h3> +<hr class='small' /> + + +<p class='center'>READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT.</p> + +<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853.</i></p> + +<p>"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the indomitable +genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply sufficient of itself to stamp the +writer as a powerful man. The startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow +of the great Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and +we may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such masterly pretensions, +but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste, energy, and tact of his enterprising +publisher. The book is admirably brought out, and altogether may be set down +as one of Peterson's 'great hits' in literature."</p> + +<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853.</i></p> + +<p>"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this volume a tale +which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and be read by all lovers of literature +that embodies the true, the thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we +would have thought it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter +days; but here we have it—Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the rest of that +dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true portraits. Those who have +read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the +heroes of deep and treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character. +On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the Commonwealth +of Rome. We have also his noble <ins title="cotemporaries">contemporaries</ins> and coadjutors, all in this volume. +Would that space permitted for a more extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear. +One thing is certain—if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus +Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest."</p> + +<p class='center'><i>From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853.</i></p> + +<p>"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author, will not +fail to procure this book—It is a thrilling romance, and the characters brought forward, +and the interest with which they are constantly invested, will insure for it a +great run."</p> + +<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853.</i></p> + +<p>"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful production—perhaps +the highest effort of the brilliant and successful author. A thorough historian +and a careful thinker, he is well qualified to write learnedly of any period of the world's +history. The book is published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table."</p> + +<p class='center'><i>From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853.</i></p> + +<p>"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents which have made +the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the history of the Roman Republic. +The lovers of excitement will find in its pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker +phases of life's drama."</p> + +<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853.</i></p> + +<p>"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject of this story. +Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most authentic authors, he has woven +around them a net-work of incident, love and romance, which is stirring and exciting. +The faithful manner in which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style +in which his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his many +successful novels."</p> + +<p>Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar only; or a +finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in one volume, +muslin, gilt, is published for One Dollar and Twenty-five Cents.</p> + +<p>Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, to any part of +the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price of the edition they wish +to the publisher, in a letter, post-paid. Published and for sale by</p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> + <span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<h3><span style="font-size:200%;font-family:sans-serif;">THE INITIALS:</span><br /> +A STORY OF MODERN LIFE.</h3> +<hr class='small' /> + +<p class='center'>Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or +bound in one vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and +Twenty-Five Cents a copy.</p> +<hr class='small' /> + +<p>T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, +has just published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be +found on perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated +works ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue +to be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir +Walter Scott's celebrated novels.</p> + +<h3>READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS</h3> + +<div style='width:100%;'> +<table style='float:left;width:48%;' summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td class='r' style='width:5em;'>I.</td><td>The Letter.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>II.</td><td>The Initials</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>III.</td><td>A. Z.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>IV.</td><td>A Walk of no common Description.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>V.</td><td>An Alp.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>VI.</td><td>Secularized Cloisters.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>VII.</td><td>An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>VIII.</td><td>An Alpine Party.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>IX.</td><td>Salzburg.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>X.</td><td>The Return to Munich.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XI.</td><td>The Betrothal.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XII.</td><td>Domestic Details.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XIII.</td><td>A Truce.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XIV.</td><td>A New Way to Learn German.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XV.</td><td>The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XVI.</td><td>The Au Fair. The Supper.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XVII.</td><td>Lovers' Quarrels.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XVIII.</td><td>The Churchyard.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XIX.</td><td>German Soup.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XX.</td><td>The Warning.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXI.</td><td>The Struggle.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXII.</td><td>The Departure.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXIII.</td><td>The Long Day.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXIV.</td><td>The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass.</td></tr> +</table> +<br /> +<table style='width:48%;' summary='advertisement'> +<tr><td class='r' style='width:5em;'>XXV.</td><td>The Garret.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXVI.</td><td>The Discussion.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXVII.</td><td>The Sledge.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXVIII.</td><td>A Ball at the Museum Club.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXIX.</td><td>A Day of Freedom.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXX.</td><td>The Masquerade.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXI.</td><td>Where is the Bridegroom?</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXII.</td><td>The Wedding at Troisieme.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXIII.</td><td>A Change.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXIV.</td><td>The Arrangement.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXV.</td><td>The Difficulty Removed.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXVI.</td><td>The Iron Works.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXVII.</td><td>An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'> XXXVIII.</td><td>The Experiment.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XXXIX.</td><td>The Recall.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XL.</td><td>Hohenfels.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLI.</td><td>The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.)</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLII.</td><td>A Discourse.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLIII.</td><td>Another kind of Discourse.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLIV.</td><td>The Journey Home Commences.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLV.</td><td>What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort.</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLVI.</td><td>Halt!</td></tr> +<tr><td class='r'>XLVII.</td><td>Conclusion.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p style='clear:both;'>Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any +part of the United States, <i>free of postage</i>, on their remitting the price of +the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter.</p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> +Published and for sale by<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> +<p><b>To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid.</b></p> + + +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<p class='center'><span style="font-size:larger">☞</span> +Read the Notices of the Press below.<span style="font-size:larger;">☜</span> </p> +<hr class='small' /> + +<h3><span style="font-size:200%;">CLARA MORELAND.</span></h3> + + +<h4>BY EMERSON BENNETT.<br /> +<span style="font-size:smaller">Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt.</span></h4> + +<hr /> + +<p class='center'>READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.</p> + +<p>"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his story well, +and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into the haunts of the wild +Indians, or among the equally savage bands of lawless men, that once were the terror +of that country; he presents the remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in +a manner which, though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His +dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of the interlocutors, +and presenting occasionally, especially in response, an epigrammatic poise, that is +worthy of all praise. The plot abounds with adventure, and presents many scenes of +startling interest, while the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious +reader's ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the excellent +style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on good paper, and bound in a +manner to correspond with the quality of its typography."—<i>Arthur's Home Gazette.</i></p> + +<p>"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and thrilling production, +and will particularly interest all who love to read of life in the West and South-West. +A love story runs through the volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has +issued the book in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding +is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the embellishments are eminently +creditable. Clara Moreland should command a large sale."—<i>Philadelphia City Item.</i></p> + +<p>"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of thrilling scenes +and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that escape a casual observation. Mr. +Bennett is a keen discoverer of character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as +to carry the reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated +interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most popular American +novelists, and aided by the great energy of his publisher is fast becoming a general +favorite."—<i>McMackin's Model Saturday Courier.</i></p> + +<p>"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is one of his +longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite author with Western readers. +It is illustrated and well printed."—<i>Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper.</i></p> + +<p>"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and turmoil."—<i>Philadelphia +North American.</i></p> + +<p>"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the universe, and, as +such, our reading public are bound to give him a cordial greeting, not only for this, but +for the sake of that wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West, +and more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his glowing, brilliant +productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be pronounced the best."—<i>Philadelphia +Saturday Courier.</i></p> + +<p>"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all who have a +cultivated taste."—<i>Baltimore Sun.</i></p> + +<p>"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during the late war +with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it abounds in stirring incidents +and adventures, has a good love-plot interwoven with it, and is in many respects a +faithful representation of Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great +popularity, especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in a +very handsome style."—<i>Philadelphia Evening Bulletin.</i></p> + +<p>"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and graphically sketched. +It is published in a good style."—<i>Philadelphia Public Ledger.</i></p> + +<p>"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett. Those who love +daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an engaging book."—<i>Detroit, +Mich., Paper.</i></p> + +<p>"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by numerous +engravings."—<i>Detroit, Mich., Paper.</i></p> + +<p>"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth escapes, the scene +of which is laid in the South-West. The book is illustrated with engravings representing +some of the exciting events narrated by the writer."—<i>Detroit, Mich., Paper.</i></p> + +<p>"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and accident, are +blended together so as to form a highly interesting work of 334 pages."—<i>New York +Picayune.</i></p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> +Published and for sale by<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<h3><span style="font-size:larger;">WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD;</span><br /> +<span style="font-size:66%;">OR,</span><br /> +ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS,</h3> + +<h4>BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE.</h4> + +<p class='center'><b>A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK.<br /> +Have you read it? If not, then do so.<br /> +Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth.</b></p> + +<p>Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal +of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind, +in making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the +annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity, and real +scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from the press.</p> + +<div style='width:100%; position:relative;'> +<p class='center'>TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK.</p> + +<ul style='font-size:smaller;margin-top:0;width:32%;float:left;'> + <li>Opening the Journal.</li> + <li>Adventure in search of Ruin.</li> + <li>Parting Tribute to Love.</li> + <li>Three Desperate Days!</li> + <li>The Poetry of Sea-Sickness.</li> + <li>The Red Flannel Night-Cap.</li> + <li>A Ship by Moonlight.</li> + <li>Arrival in London.</li> + <li>The Parks of London.</li> + <li>Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey.</li> + <li>England's Monuments.</li> + <li>Madame Tussaud's Wax Works.</li> + <li>The "Beauties" of Hampton Court.</li> + <li>Love and Philosophy.</li> + <li>"Love's Labor Lost."</li> + <li>A Peep at "The Shades."</li> + <li>The Modern "Aspasia."</li> + <li>Noble Plea for Matrimony.</li> + <li>The Lily on the Shore.</li> + <li>English Mother and American Daughter.</li> + <li>The "Maid of Normandie."</li> + <li>An Effecting Scene.</li> + <li>"Paris est un Artist."</li> + <li>The Guillotine.</li> + <li>"Give us Another!"</li> + <li>Post Mortem Reflections.</li> + <li>Fashionable Criticism.</li> + <li>Whiskey Punch and Logic.</li> + <li>"Shylock asks for Justice!"</li> + <li>"Lorette" and "Grisette."</li> + <li>Kissing Day.</li> + <li>The Tattoo.</li> + <li>The Masked Ball.</li> + <li>The Incognita.</li> + <li>The Charms of Paris.</li> + <li>Changing Horses.</li> +</ul><ul style='font-size:smaller;width:32%;margin-top:0;float:left;'> + <li>A View in Lyons.</li> + <li>Avignon—Petrarch and Laura.</li> + <li>Our First Ruin.</li> + <li>The Unconscious Blessing.</li> + <li>A Crash and a Wreck.</li> + <li>The Railroad of Life.</li> + <li>A Night Adventure.</li> + <li>"The Gods take care of Cato."</li> + <li>The Triumphs of Neptune.</li> + <li>The Marquisi's Foot.</li> + <li>Beauties of Naples Bay.</li> + <li>Natural History of the Lazaroni.</li> + <li>The True Venus.</li> + <li>Love and Devotion.</li> + <li>The Mortality of Pompeii.</li> + <li>Procession of the Host.</li> + <li>The Ascent of Vesuvius.</li> + <li>The Mountain Emetic.</li> + <li>The Human Projectile.</li> + <li>The City of the Soul.</li> + <li>The Coup de Main.</li> + <li>Night in the Coliseum!</li> + <li>Catholicity Considered.</li> + <li>Power Passing Away!</li> + <li>Byron Among the Ruins.</li> + <li>A Gossip with the Artists.</li> + <li>Speaking Gems.</li> + <li>"Weep for Adonis!"</li> + <li>The Lady and the God.</li> + <li>The Science of Psalmistry.</li> + <li>"Sour Grapes."</li> + <li>A Ramble about Tivoli.</li> + <li>Illumination of St. Peter's.</li> + <li>The "Niobe of Nations."</li> + <li>A Ghostly Scene!</li> + <li>"Honi soit qui mal y pense."</li> + <li>A "Ball" without Music.</li> +</ul><ul style='font-size:smaller;margin-top:0;width:32%;float:right;'> + <li>Abelard and Heloise.</li> + <li>Scenes on the Road.</li> + <li>The "Tug of War."</li> + <li>"There they are, by Jove!"</li> + <li>The Raven-Haired One!</li> + <li>Heaven and Hell!</li> + <li>The "Hamlet" of Sculpture.</li> + <li>The Modern Susannah.</li> + <li>Hey, Presto! Change!</li> + <li>The Death Scene of Cleopatra.</li> + <li>An Eulogy on Tuscany.</li> + <li>A Real Claude Sunset.</li> + <li>Tasso and Byron.</li> + <li>The Shocking Team!</li> + <li>Floatings in Venice.</li> + <li>The Venetian Girls.</li> + <li>The Bell-Crowned Hat!</li> + <li>The "Lion's Mouth."</li> + <li>The "Bridge of Sighs!"</li> + <li>A Subterranean Fete!</li> + <li>Byron and Moore in Venice.</li> + <li>Diana and Endymion.</li> + <li>The Pinch of Snuff.</li> + <li>The Rock-Crystal Coffin!</li> + <li>Eccentricity of Art.</li> + <li>Thoughts in a Monastery.</li> + <li>The Lake of Como.</li> + <li>Immortal Drummer Boy.</li> + <li>Wit, and its Reward!</li> + <li>The Cold Bath.</li> + <li>"Here we are!"</li> + <li>The Mountain Expose.</li> + <li>The "Last Rose of Summer."</li> + <li>Waking the Echoes.</li> + <li>Watching the Avalanche.</li> + <li>A Beautiful Incident.</li> + <li>A Shot with the Long Bow.</li> + <li>Mt. Blanc and a full stop.</li> +</ul> +</div> + +<p style='clear:both;'>Price for the complete work, in paper cover, Fifty cents a copy only; or +handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, for Seventy-Five cents.</p> + +<p>Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, to +any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price +of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post paid.</p> + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> +Published and for sale by<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class='chapter' /> + +<h3><span style="font-size:200%;">T. B. PETERSON'S</span><br /> +WHOLESALE AND RETAIL</h3> + +<p class='center'>Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, Publishing +and Bookselling Establishment, is at<br /> +<b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></p> +<hr class='small' /> + +<p>T. B. PETERSON has the satisfaction to announce to the public, that he has removed +to the new and spacious BROWN STONE BUILDING, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, +just completed by the city authorities on the Girard Estate, known as the most central +and best situation in the city of Philadelphia. As it is the Model Book Store of the +Country, we will describe it: It is the largest, most spacious, and best arranged Retail +and Wholesale Cheap Book and Publishing Establishment in the United States. It is +built, by the Girard Estate, of Connecticut sand-stone, in a richly ornamental style. +The whole front of the lower story, except that taken up by the doorway, is occupied by +two large plate glass windows, a single plate to each window, costing together over three +thousand dollars. On entering and looking up, you find above you a ceiling sixteen +feet high; while, on gazing before, you perceive a vista of One Hundred and Fifty-Seven +feet. The retail counters extend back for eighty feet, and, being double, afford counter-room +of One Hundred and Sixty feet in length. There is also <i>over Three Thousand feet +of shelving in the retail part of the store alone</i>. This part is devoted to the retail business, +and as it is the most spacious in the country, furnishes also the best and largest +assortment of all kinds of books to be found in the country. It is fitted up in the most +superb style; the shelvings are all painted in Florence white, with gilded cornices for +the book shelves.</p> + +<p>Behind the retail part of the store, at about ninety feet from the entrance, is the +counting-room, twenty feet square, railed neatly off, and surmounted by a most beautiful +dome of stained glass. In the rear of this is the wholesale and packing department, +extending a further distance of about sixty feet, with desks and packing counters for the +establishment, etc., etc. All goods are received and shipped from the back of the store, +having a fine avenue on the side of Girard Bank for the purpose, leading out to Third +Street, so as not to interfere with and block up the front of the store on Chestnut Street. +The cellar, of the entire depth of the store, is filled with printed copies of Mr. Peterson's +own publications, printed from his own stereotype plates, of which he generally keeps +on hand an edition of a thousand each, making a stock, of his own publications alone, +of over three hundred thousand volumes, constantly on hand.</p> + +<p>T. B. PETERSON is warranted in saying, that he is able to offer such inducements +to the Trade, and all others, to favor him with their orders, as cannot be excelled by any +book establishment in the country. In proof of this, T. B. PETERSON begs leave to +refer to his great facilities of getting stock of all kinds, his dealing direct with all the +Publishing Houses in the country, and also to his own long list of Publications, consisting +of the best and most popular productions of the most talented authors of the United +States and Great Britain, and to his very extensive stock, embracing every work, new or +old, published in the United States.</p> + +<p>T. B. PETERSON will be most happy to supply all orders for any books at all, no +matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers' lowest cash +prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants, Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, +Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the city, and the public generally, to call and examine +his extensive collection of cheap and standard publications of all kinds, comprising a +most magnificent collection of CHEAP BOOKS, MAGAZINES, NOVELS, STANDARD +and POPULAR WORKS of all kinds, BIBLES, PRAYER BOOKS, ANNUALS, GIFT +BOOKS, ILLUSTRATED WORKS, ALBUMS and JUVENILE WORKS of all kinds, +GAMES of all kinds, to suit all ages, tastes, etc., which he is selling to his customers +and the public at much lower prices than they can be purchased elsewhere. Being located +at No. 102 CHESTNUT Street, the great thoroughfare of the city, and BUYING +his stock outright in large quantities, and not selling on commission, he can and will +sell them on such terms as will defy all competition. Call and examine our stock, you +will find it to be the best, largest and cheapest in the city; and you will also be sure to +find all the <i>best, latest, popular, and cheapest works</i> published in this country or elsewhere, +for sale at the lowest prices.</p> + +<p>☞ Call in person and examine our stock, or send your orders <i>by mail direct</i>, to the +CHEAP BOOKSELLING and PUBLISHING ESTABLISHMENT of</p> + + +<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'> + <span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br /> + <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br /> +</p> +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. 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Kelley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Humors of Falconbridge + A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes + +Author: Jonathan F. Kelley + +Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE *** + + + + +Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + +This etext differs from the original in the following ways. Some missing +periods have been inserted. The original used "some how" and "somehow" +about equally; all have been changed to "somehow." The OE ligature, used +several times, is shown as [oe]. In the advertisements at the end of the +book, uses of the pointing-hand symbols (Unicode #9758, White Right +Pointing Index, and Unicode #9756, White Left Pointing Index) have been +replaced with the right (") and left (") double-angle symbols from the +ISO 8859-1 character set. Finally, evident typographical errors have +been corrected as follows: + + someting > something, p. 63 + catankerous > cantankerous, p. 71 + veloscipeding > velocipeding, p. 99 + who'se > who's, p. 99 + turkies > turkeys, p. 110 + potatoe > potato, p. 121 + knowlege > knowledge, p. 155 + lagest > largest, p. 177 + pass > past, p. 190 + develope > develop, p. 249 + ot > not, p. 257 + governer > governor, p. 257 + handerchief > handkerchief, p. 261 + poverity > poverty, p. 279 + reconnoissances > reconnaissances, p. 281 + himsesf > himself, p. 288 + peaking > peeking, p. 311 + sponser > sponsor, p. 313 + aspsrations > aspirations, p. 336 + mortaged > mortgaged, p. 376 + woful > woeful, p. 400 + domicils > domiciles, p. 400 + Amercian > American, p. 409 + lubago > lumbago, p. 412 + somethiug > something, p. 420 + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Go--goo--good Lord-d d! Ho--ho--hol--hold on!" "O, yeez +needn't be afear'd of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"--_Page_ +92.] + + * * * * * + + HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You +needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty--day's de dogs, +mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the +rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey +are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! +You want to see der teeth?"--_Page_ 136.] + + * * * * * + + THE + + HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE: + + A COLLECTION OF + HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES. + + BY + + JONATHAN F. KELLEY. + + Philadelphia: + T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET. + + [Library stamp: Univ. of California] + + Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by + + T. B. PETERSON, + + In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, + in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. + + * * * * * + + TO + ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ., + OF MASSACHUSETTS, + + AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST + APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING, + + AS WELL AS FOR + + YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES; + + AND MORE THAN ALL, + + FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP, + + I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE, + + Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches. + + FRATERNALLY YOURS, + + FALCONBRIDGE. + + * * * * * + + + + +A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY. + + +The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the +pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting +interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a +taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of +romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which +it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of +exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of +one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled +the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small +anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can +undertake to sketch the principal events of his life. + +It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his +own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal. +They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and +those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended +to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust, +understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been +an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful +accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely +detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him. + +Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August, +A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school, +where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient +to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the +world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while +yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was +employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then +in Third street above Walnut. + +In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go +out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out +for that great region to which attention was then turned--the Western +country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he +walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his +wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been +subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most +fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the +boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had +made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and +assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two +months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time, +and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two +years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of +an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where +he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure +returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling +through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his +career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This +business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and +returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a +theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and +into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of +adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing +experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his +literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires, +he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he +had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be +found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with +a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he +was married. + +This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild, +bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible +for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means +of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some +literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to +commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise +was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati, +where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that +attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly +then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal +devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled +"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the +publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a +store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being +very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was +dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly +opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after +discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he +commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the +signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were +published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much +favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The +reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way +to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in +demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and +enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before +that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he +hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he +relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York, +from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis, +if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the +editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued. +He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for +the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other +journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack +Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he +projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was +really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in +the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial, +"The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a +general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was +induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass., +entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months +trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr. +Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had +the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five +years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and +three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate +father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, +that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would +eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of +Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would +establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was +detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child. +Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship +of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four +months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct +"The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he +reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the +discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become +associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which +politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to +which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American +Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his +writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his +son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He +was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, +after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to +mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove +Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the +dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and +noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly. + +The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his +literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the +information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty +he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful +career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well +be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of +success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling, +with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements, +and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first +disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man. +The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant +application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm +reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or +newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing +through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether +it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to +become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life +seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability. +Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led +to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably +have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in +which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was +not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the +solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may +have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always +constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was +true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every +disadvantage. Altering his position--at times an editor--at times an +assistant-editor--anon changing his business as new hopes were roused +in his bosom--and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of +his fugitive sketches for the means of support--in all these experiments +with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at +home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a +faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can +be bought with gold. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + PAGE + + If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning, 33 + Don't you believe in 'em, 37 + The old Black Bull, 38 + Dobbs makes "a Pint," 42 + Used up, 43 + The greatest Moral Engine, 50 + The Story of Capt. Paul, 51 + Hereditary Complaints, 58 + Nights with the Caucusers, 59 + Affecting Cruelty, 64 + The Wolf Slayer, 65 + The Man that knew 'em All, 74 + A severe Spell of Sickness, 79 + The Race of the Aldermen, 80 + Getting Square, 85 + People do differ, 89 + Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience, 90 + A-a-a-in't they Thick? 96 + A desperate Race, 101 + Dodging the Responsibility, 107 + A Night Adventure in Prairie Land, 108 + Roosting Out, 114 + Rather Twangy, 119 + Passing around the Fodder, 120 + A Hint to Soyer, 123 + The Leg of Mutton, 124 + A Chapter on Misers, 129 + Dog Day, 133 + Amateur Gardening, 138 + The two Johns at the Tremont, 139 + The Yankee in a Boarding School, 144 + A dreadful State of Excitement, 149 + Ralph Waldo Emerson, 154 + Humbug, 158 + Hotel keeping, 159 + "According to Gunter," 164 + Quartering upon Friends, 165 + Jake Hinkle's Failings, 174 + What's going to Happen, 176 + The Washerwoman's Windfall, 177 + We don't Wonder at it, 181 + Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon, 182 + Getting into the "Right Pew," 187 + A circuitous Route, 192 + Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga, 193 + Old Jack Ringbolt, 198 + Who killed Capt. Walker? 199 + Practical Philosophy, 203 + Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl, 204 + Legal Advice, 209 + Wonders of the Day, 213 + "Don't know you, Sir!" 214 + A circumlocutory Egg Pedler, 219 + Jolly old Times, 223 + The Pigeon Express Man, 224 + Jipson's great Dinner Party, 229 + Look out for them Lobsters, 236 + The Fitzfaddles at Hull, 241 + Putting me on a Platform! 247 + The exorbitancy of Meanness, 251 + "Taking down" a Sheriff, 252 + Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire, 257 + Sure Cure, 261 + Chasing a fugitive Subscriber, 262 + Ambition, 266 + Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer, 267 + Penalty of kissing your own Wife, 272 + Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping, 274 + Miseries of a Dandy, 279 + A juvenile Joe Miller, 284 + "Selling" a Landlord, 285 + Scientific Labor, 288 + Who was that poor Woman? 289 + Infirmities of Nature, 293 + Andrew Jackson and his Mother, 294 + Snaking out Sturgeons, 299 + Mixing Meanings--Mangling English, 301 + Waking up the wrong Passenger, 302 + Genius for Business, 306 + Have you got any old Boots? 307 + The Vagaries of Nature, 312 + A general disquisition on "Hinges," 317 + Miseries of Bachelorhood, 321 + The Science of Diddling, 322 + The re-union; Thanksgiving Story, 324 + Cabbage _vs._ Men, 330 + Wanted--A young Man from the Country, 331 + Presence of Mind, 336 + The Skipper's Schooner, 337 + Philosophy of the Times, 340 + The Emperor and the Poor Author, 341 + The bigger fool, the better Luck, 352 + An active Settlement, 356 + A Yankee in a Pork-house, 357 + German Caution, 361 + Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell, 362 + The Perils of Wealth, 367 + Nursing a Legacy, 372 + The Troubles of a Mover, 377 + The Question Settled, 382 + How it's done at the Astor House, 383 + The Advertisement, 387 + Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life, 400 + A Distinction with a Difference, 408 + Pills and Persimmons, 409 + Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor, 414 + The Tribulations of Incivility, 415 + The Broomstick Marriage, 420 + Appearances are Deceitful, 427 + Cigar Smoke, 431 + An everlasting tall Duel, 432 + + * * * * * + + THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE. + + * * * * * + + + + +If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning! + + +A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's +Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very +sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and +smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began +to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it up +and present it to our modern Don Caesar De Bazan, who, casting his eye +over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered +that--which in no wise alarmed him, however--he was in for a matter of a +cool C! + +"Ah! yes, I see; _well_, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no +doubt about it," says Don Caesar. + +"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,--"we seldom present a +bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the +bills are unusually large, sir--" + +"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"--says the Don--"bless your soul, you +don't call _that_ large? Why, sir, a--a--that is, when I was in +Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends +of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you +suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?" + +"I can't possibly say, sir--must have counted up very _heavy_, sir, I +think," responds the clerk. + +"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were _heavy_, my dear +fellow--_five and eight hundred dollars a week!_" says the Don, with a +nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of the +realm. + +"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and +entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir," the clerk +replies. + +"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see," and here +the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced at +the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51--a--a--something--all right, I +presume; if it ain't right, _we'll make it all right in the morning_." + +"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, about to bow +himself out of the room. + +"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is +really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with me--he is a--a +gentleman who imports a--a great deal of wine; he a--a--pronounces your +Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night, +here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and +'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article, and +a--a I wish them to have a--a good opinion of your house. Understand?" + +"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk. + +"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" says +the Don Caesar, as the official vanished. + +"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" asks the host of +the clerk, as they met at "the office." + +"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the +morning, sir," replies the clerk. + +"Very well," says the anxious host; "_see that he does it_." + +That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Caesar--a servant carried up +the card--Captain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U. +S. N., next called--"walk up." Dr. Brown called--"walk up." Col. Green, +his card--"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight distinguished +persons were walked up to Don Caesar's private parlor; and pretty soon +the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping, glasses were +clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don +Caesar was putting his friends through in the most approved style! + +Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a +salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green +and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the "last session," what _their_ +friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and what Bill +Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French Minister's +daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant Smith in regard +to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say +for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the corks +"popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the laugh +jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars filled +the room. + +Don Caesar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked, +he assured the servants--"All right; if it ain't all right, _we'll make +it all right in the morning!_" + +And so Don Caesar and his _bon vivant_ friends went it, until some two +dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole +entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and +rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing +outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Caesar, to politely request +that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment. + +"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my ears, +and can't hear whispers." + +"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies the servant, +in a sharp key. + +"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins--hic--what does he--hic--does he want? +Tell--hic--tell him it's--hic--all right, or we'll make it all +right--hic--_in the morning_." + +Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up +to Don Caesar, assured him that himself and friends were _a little too +merry_, but Don Caesar assured Tompkins-- + +"It's all--hic--right, mi boy, all--hic--right; these +gentlemen--hic--are all _gentlemen_, my--hic--personal friends--hic--and +it's all right--hic--all perfectly--hic--right, or we'll make it all +right in the morning." + +"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but there are many +persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for the +credit of the house." + +"O--hic--certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll--hic--I'll speak to the +gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very +solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep; +"Gentlemen--hic--_gentle_men, I'm requested to state--hic--that--hic--a +very _serious_ piece of intelligence--hic--has met my ear. This +_gentle_man--hic--says somebody's dead in the next--hic--room." + +"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk. + +"Beg--hic--your pardon, sir--hic--it's all right; if it ain't all right, +I'll make it--hic--_all right in the morning!_ Gentlemen, let's--hic--us +all adjourn; let's change the see--hic--scene, call a +coach--hic--somebody, let's take a ride--hic--and return and go +to--hic--our pious--hic--rest." + +Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Caesar arose on his +pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all +around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got +largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to +the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a +midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land +cruise. The last words uttered by Don Caesar, there, as the coach drove +off, were: + +"All right--hic--mi boy, if it ain't, _we'll make it all right in the +morning!_" + +"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't stick you into a +bill of costs '_in the morning_,' rot me. You'll have a nice time," he +continued, "out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in +the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, _and I'd +lose my bill!_" + +Don Caesar did not return to make good his promise _in the morning_, and +so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited +for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo! +and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few +samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:--"All right, +if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!" + + + + +Don't you believe in 'em? + + +We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then +you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers. +Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on +for an hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" and if +you are any longer skeptical upon the _spirit_-ual manifestations as +exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and thickness of the tongue +of the _mediums_,--education would be thrown away on you. + + + + +The Old Black Bull + + +It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel now and then, +from the kitchen to the parlor, in church and state. Even the fathers of +the holy tabernacle are not proof against this little weakness; for +people will have passions, people will belong to meetin', and people +will let their passions _rise_, even under the pulpit. But we have no +distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, but properly +interpreted _letter_, to settle a chuckly "plug muss," so efficiently +and happily as the case we have in point. + +Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President _Chauncey_) was +a minister of the gospel, and one of the best _edicated_ men of his day +in the wooden nutmeg State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan +Trumbull was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the first +_settled_ minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, Connecticut. +It was with him, as afterwards with good old brother Jonathan (Governor +Trumbull, the bosom friend of General Washington), good to confer on +almost any matter, scientific, political, or religious--any subject, in +short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned was the +issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, and _good_ counselor, he +was "looked up to," and abided by. + +It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's vicinity got to +loggerheads, and were upon the apex of raising "the evil one" instead of +a spire to their church, as they proposed and _split_ upon. The very +nearest they could come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to +appoint a _committee_ of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state their +_case_, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the old gentleman, and +he listened with grave attention to their conflicting grievances. + +"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this is a very simple +case--a very trifling thing to cause you so much vexation." + +"So I say," says one of the _committee_. + +"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another. + +"No case at all," responded the third. + +"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker. + +"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third. + +"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed number two, "to +expect to raise the minister's salary and that new steeple, too, out of +our small congregation." + +"There is no danger of raising much out of _you_, anyhow, Mr. Johnson," +spitefully returned number one. + +"Gentlemen, if you please--" beseechingly interposed the sage. + +"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one. + +"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson. + +"Not me, anyway," number three replies. + +"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one. + +"Gentlemen!--gentlemen!--" + +"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson--" + +"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old Winkles, too, and +here's Deacon Potter, also." + +"I _am_ here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry the Reverend +Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!" + +"Now, gentlemen, _brothers_, if you please," said Mr. Bulkley, "this is +ridiculous,--" + +"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles. + +"As far as _you_ are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon. + +This brought Mr. Winkles _up_, standing. + +"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!" + +"But my dear _sirs_--" beseechingly said the philosopher. + +"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man--too good a +Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, despicable _toad_, like +Deacon Potter--" + +"Do you call me--_me_ a despicable _toad_?" menacingly cried the deacon. + +"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you in your +difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering." + +"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson. + +"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when a man calls me a +toad, a mean, despicable _toad_--" + +"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are all too excited +now; go home again, and wait patiently; on Saturday evening next, I will +have prepared and sent to you a written opinion of your case, with a +full and free avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church +from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the committee left, to +await his issue. + +Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some distance from the +town of Colchester, and found it necessary, the same day he wrote his +opinion and advice to the brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a +line to his farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having written +a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his brethren, he wound up +the day's literary exertions with a despatch to the farmer, and after a +reverie to himself, he directs the two documents, and next morning +despatches them to their several destinations. + +On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the belligerent +churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and punctually, as promised, +came the despatch from the Plato of the time and place,--Rev. John +Bulkley. All was quiet and respectful attention. The moderator took up +the document, broke the seal, opened and--a pause ensued, while dubious +amazement seemed to spread over the features of the worthy president of +the meeting. + +"Well, brother Temple, how is it--what does Mr. Bulkley say?" and +another pause followed. + +"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice. + +The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off his spectacles, +wiped the glasses, then his lips--replaced his specs upon his nose, and +with a very broad _grin_, said: + +"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, to say the +least of it!" + +"Well, read it--read it," responded the wondering hearers. + +"I will," and the moderator began: + +"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be built high and +strong, and you will take special care _of the old Black Bull_." + +There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread the community; +the moderator dropped the paper to a "rest," and gazing over the top of +his glasses for several minutes, nobody saying a word. + +"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length. + +"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter. + +"Take special care _of the old Black Bull!_" growled half the meeting. + +Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor in mute +mystery. + +A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing his voice +with a hem, he spoke: + +"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent words of our learned +adviser. To me nothing could be more appropriate to our case. It is just +such a profound and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and +looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. The direction +to repair the fences, is to take heed in the admission and government of +our members; we must guard the church by our Master's laws, and keep out +stray and vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a +trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, who is the +devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures and sought to +desolate and lay waste the fair grounds of our church!" + +The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw and _took_ the +force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and unanimously resolved to be +governed by it; hence the old black bull was put _hors du combat_, and +the church preserved its union! + + + + +Dobbs makes "a Pint." + + +Dobbs walked into a _Dry Goodery_, on Court street, and began to look +around. A double _jinted_ clerk immediately appeared to Dobbs. + +"What can I _do_ for you, sir?" says he. + +"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't." + +"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I _can_." + +"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs. + +"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute _nod_. + +"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple of dollars' wuth +of yur stuffs!" + +"_Lost_, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence." + +"Thank you; call again when I want to _trade!_" says Dobbs. + +"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," says the clerk, +"no how." + +Polite young man that--as soon as his chin vegetates, provided his +dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the gals, Dobbs thinks! + + + + +Used Up. + + +I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the +world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and +easy--kind, generous--good-natured disposition, and keep it up, until +they greet their fortieth year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men--I +hope there are, who _would_ be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted, +if they _could_, with any degree of consistency; and I know there are +multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or manly trait, of any +human description, if they could. That class thrive best, it appears to +me--if the accumulation of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or +Scriptural interpretation of that sense--in this sublunary world. +Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty lose, hence the +more thrift to the former, and the less gain, pecuniarily considered, to +the latter. The subject is very prolific, and as my present purpose is +as much to point a humorous _sketch_ as to adorn a _moral_, I needs must +cut speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend John +Jenks, an emphatic--"used up" good fellow. + +Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of himself and the +rest of mankind. No man ever started with a larger capital of good +nature, human benevolence, and common honesty, than honest John. Few men +ever started with better general prospects, for "a good time," and +plenty of it, than Jenks. He _graduated_ with honor to himself and the +Institute of his native State, and with but little knowledge beyond the +college library and the social circles of his immediate friends. At +twenty-three, John Jenks went into business on his own hook. + +Of course John soon formed various and many business acquaintances; he +learned that men were brothers--should love, honor, and respect one +another, from precepts set him at his father's fireside. He formed the +opinion, that this brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of +business, for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned +his _autograph_ and purse to his business acquaintances; but, being +backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt the necessity of +claiming like accommodation, or he would have gotten his eye teeth cut +cheaper and sooner. + +"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting room one +September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, have _stopped_--gone to +smash!" + +"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks. + +"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by them," replied the +informant. "By the way, Barclay says you have some of their _paper_ on +hand; is it true?" continued the man. + +"I have some, not much," answered Jenks--"not enough at all events to +create any alarm as to their willingness or ability to take it up." + +But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably larger +amount of Perkins & Ball's _paper_ on hand, than an experienced business +man might have contemplated with entire Christian resignation. The +gazette, in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the _smash_ of +the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz "on 'change;" those +losers by the _smash_ were bitter in their denunciatory remarks, while +those gaining by the transaction snickered in their sleeves and kept +mum. Jenks heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm +were _smashed_ by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, they were +getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and private vituperation, +without his aid. Though far from his thoughts of entering into such +"lists," and inclined to hold on and see how things come out--Jenks, +for the credit of common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by +discounting, &c.--he was likely to be _in_ for, if P. & B. were really +"done gone." This resolve, like some _rules_, worked both ways. + +As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave his commercial +institution, after the above occurrences had had some ten days' _grace_; +one evening, the senior partner of the house of Perkins & Ball came in. +Greetings were cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's +discourse took place between the merchants; which, in brief +transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks received a +two-third indemnification on all _his_ liabilities _for_ the _smashed_ +house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured him, arose from the +fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly forbearance in not joining the clamor +against them, in the adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had +reason to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. Jenks +"hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or even doubtful side of +humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or Christian kindness; they shook hands +and parted; the senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and +Jenks agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the honor +of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now almost extinguished +credit. Those who fought the bankrupt merchants most got the least, and +because Jenks preserved an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that +he was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were staggered +at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good nature. This latter +result seemed the most popular and accepted notion of Jenks' character, +and proved the ground-work of his pecuniary destruction. + +The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, on all occasions, +spoken in the most favorable terms of the firm; he not only freely +endorsed again for them, but stood their _referee_ generally. In the +meantime, Jenks' celebrity for good nature and open-heartedness had +drawn around him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became a +circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. If Brown was +short in his cash account, five hundred or a thousand dollars---- + +"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask him to favor me +with a check until the middle of the week." It was done. + +"Terms--thirty days with good endorsed paper," was sufficient for the +adventurous Smith to _buy_ and depend on Jenks' _autograph_ to _secure_ +the goods. When in funds, Bingle went where he chose; when a little +_short_, Jenks had his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts +of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects of them +began to revolve upon him--if not mortified or ashamed of his +"bargains," he at least was astounded at the results. Brown, whose due +bills or memorandums Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand +dollars, accommodation _loans_, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's +day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly learned that +Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of deferred bankruptcy, when +the first rumor reached him that Smith had _bolted_, after a heavy +transaction in "woolens"--Jenks his principal endorser--Smith not +leaving assets or assigns to the amount of one red farthing. + +"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously seated himself in his +back counting room--"that's shabby in Smith--very shabby." + +The next morning's Gazette informed the community that Bingle had +failed--liabilities over $200,000--prospects barely giving hopes of ten +per cent, all around; and even this hope, upon Jenks' investigation, +proved a forlorn one; by a _modus operandi_ peculiar to the heartless, +self-devoted, _they_ got all, Jenks and the _few_ of his ilk, got +nothing! + +For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily moody. For the +first time, in the course of his mercantile career, of some six years, +the force of reflection convinced him, that he had not acted his part +judiciously, however "well done" it might be, in point of honor and +manliness. + +The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts in general with +the business world. He found things a great deal "mixed up;" his +balance-sheet exhibited large surplusages accumulated on the score of +his leniency and good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held +business relations. A council of war, or expediency, rather,--_solus_, +convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his business qualifications, or +formed a very vague idea of the soul--manners and customs of the +business world; and he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser +man. + +"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very disagreeable +thing, very disagreeable thing: _make an assignment!_" + +"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" that individual +muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his hotel. And ere he reached +his plate, at the tea-table, a servant whispered that a gentleman with a +message was out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks. + +"Mr. Jenks--John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the person, as poor +Jenks, now on the _tapis_ for more ill news, approached the person in +waiting. + +"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded. + +"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable business with you, +Mr. Jenks; _I hold your arrest!_" + +"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?" + +"There's the writ, sir; you can read it." + +"A _writ_? Why, God bless you, man, I don't _owe_ a dollar in the world, +but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!" + +"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's _felony!_" + +If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the effect upon his +nervous system could not have been more startling or powerful. But he +recovered his self-possession, and learned with dismay, that he was +arrested--yes, _arrested_ as an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and +general villany, on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by those +most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced Smith "good," +and endorsed for him in sums total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual +ability to make good! + +It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever dreamed of +doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all liabilities of his own +and others, for whom he kindly become responsible; for when the _bulk_ +of Smith's _paper_ with Jenks' endorsement was thrust at him, he gave +in; saw clearly that he was the victim of a heartless _forger_. + +But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, and he +rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting the bright future +of to-morrow, when his established character, and "troops of friends" +should set all right. But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his +host; to-morrow came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their +far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, they +deserted it! + +"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very _deep_ man," said +one. + +"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another. + +"I told him he was _green_ to endorse as freely as he did," echoed a +third. + +"Good fellow," chimed a fourth--"but devilish imprudent." + +"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and so the good +but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his "troops of friends!" + +But Perkins & Ball--they had got up again, were flourishing; they, Jenks +felt satisfied, would not show the "white feather," and the thought came +to him, in his prison, as _merrily_ as the reverse of that fond hope +made him _sad_ and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney +informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing situation, +but proffered him no aid or comfort. They said, sad experience had shown +them, that there were no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the +fallen; men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to +defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; _they_ had done so; Mr. +Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes with a stout heart +and a clear conscience, and profit, as they had, _by reverses!_ + +"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "_profit_ by reverses as _they_ +have!" + +"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you know that if I had +been a tithe part as base and conscienceless as they are _now_, Perkins +& Ball would be beggars, if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my +casting vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I had +hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, generous and +just, friends enough for all practical purposes, without carrying my +business difficulties to the fireside of my parents and other relations. +But that I must do now; if, _if they fail me, then---- I cave!_" + +Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the merchant, "honest +John" learned, with sorrow, that his father was dead; estate involved, +and his friends at home in no favorable mood in reference to what they +heard of John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city. + +John Jenks--heard no more--he "caved!" as he agreed to. + +We pass over Jenks' _Smithsonian_ difficulty, which a prudent lawyer and +discerning jury brought out all right. + +We come to 1850--some fifteen or eighteen years after John Jenks +"caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been ruined by his good nature, set +adrift moneyless, in a manner, with even a spotted reputation to begin +with; he "profited by his reverses," he was now a man of family--fifty, +fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish man you +ever saw! + +Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely--"_used up!_" The reader +may affix the _moral_ of my sketch--at leisure. + + + + +The Greatest Moral Engine. + + +Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and +powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law, +logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he +_has_ a chance to be honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good +situation and two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he +gets lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he is sure to +cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, become a +_roue_, or a rotten politician. A poor man, in misery, applies to God +for consolation, while a rich man applies to his banker, and tries on a +"bender," or goes on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and +French license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a +thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing moral +rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And how faithful, too, is +poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it sticks to a man after all his +friends and the rest of mankind have deserted him! + + + + +The Story of Capt. Paul. + + +I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten +happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense tracts of +land of the West and South. I have, during that time, garnered up +endless themes for my pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep +a "log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I always +noted the occurrences that transpired with me or others, when of +interest, and opportunities were favorable to do so. + +Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a small village on +the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to touch there and take me up to +Louisville, Ky. It was in the fall of the year, water was very low, and +but few boats running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and +ammunition and started down along the river to amuse myself, and kill +time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after strolling along until noon, +I got tired and came out to the river to see if any boats were in sight, +as well as take shelter from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I +sought an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage made my +shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I sat down, bending my +eyes along the placid, quiet and noble river, until I was quite lost in +silent reverie. The rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep +approaching from the woods behind, and at the same moment a rough, curly +dog came smelling along towards me. The dog came up to within a few rods +of me and stopped, took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But +my further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a tall, +gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western woodsman, jean +trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt hat, rifle, powder horn, +bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He was an old man, face sallow and +wrinkled, and hair quite a steelish hue. + +"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?" + +I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my shelter. Having +taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk of a small tree, the old man, +half to himself and partly to me, sighed-- + +"Ah! yes, yes, _our_ day is fast gwoin over; an entire new set of folks +will soon people this country, and the old settler will be all gone, and +no more thought of." + +"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you are an old +settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes here in the Ohio +Valley?" + +"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I have seen wonderful +changes since I first squatted 'yer, thirty-five years ago. Every thing +changes about one so, that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer +they've brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off +the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar towns and thar +store houses, and thar nice farm houses, and keep up sich a clatter and +noise among 'em all, that one fond of our old quiet times in the woods, +goes nigh bein' distracted with these new matters and folks." + +"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have to do as the +Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, when the advancing axe of +civilization, and the mighty steam and steel arms of enterprise and +improvement make the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and +clamorous with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and wealth, you +must _fall back_. Our territories are boundless, and there are yet +dense forests, woods, and wilds, where the Indian, lone hunter, and +solitary beast, shall rove amid the wild grandeur of God's infinite +space for a century yet to come." + +"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up stakes and rolled +before this sweeping tide of new settlers, only I can't bar to leave +this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't bar to do it." + +"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for old homes, a +lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final resting place, near a +spot and objects that life and familiarity made dear." + +"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down thar--thar's +what makes this spot dear to me--thar, do you see yon little +hillock--yon little mound? Thar's what keeps old Tom Ward 'yer for +life." + +The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, as he wiped the +moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. I gazed down towards +the spot he had called my attention to, and there I beheld, indeed, +something resembling a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed +around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small stake at the +foot. + +"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question, and the Lord +knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell the sad story of that lonely +grave. Well, well, it's no use to grieve always, the red whelps have +paid well for thar doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to +repent--the Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily +echoed--"Amen!" + +"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago, I left +Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio valley. I well remember +the first glimpse I got of this stream; it war a big stream to me, and I +gloried in the sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its +banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats about; +but I like the steamboats--thar grand creatures, and go it like +high-mettled horses. Well, I war a young man then; me and my brother and +our old mother joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in +our goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower part thar +of Kentucky. + +"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman, though he war a young +man; he had a wife and several fine, growin' children along with us, and +our journey for many days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's +wife's sister war along with us, a fine young creature she war too. My +brother and her I always carc'lated would make a match of it when we +reached our journey's end; but poor Ben, God bless the boy, he little +dreampt he'd be cut off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his +bones 'yer to rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should +ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me now, +stranger." + +"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I, encouraging the +old man to proceed in his narrative, "and no doubt shoot as well and see +as keenly and far as ever?" + +"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my hand begins to +tremble sometimes, and I'm failing--yes, yes, I know I'm failing. But, +to go on with my story: I acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were +yet pretty full of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the +river in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally fighting. I +won't say which war to blame; the whites killed the creatures off fast +enough, and the Ingins took plenty of scalps and war cruel to the white +man whenever they fastened on him. + +"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose boards served as +a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few planks spiked to the sides +'bove water, kept the swells from rollin' in on us. Two black boys +helped the captain and I to manage the boat, and an old black woman +waited on the wimin folks and did the cooking. + +"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the narrator, pointing +his long, bony finger towards a great bend, and a point on the Kentucky +side of the stream. + +"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly." + +"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a pleasant day, +that we came drifting along with our flat-boat, or _broad horn_, as they +were called in them days, when Captain Paul said he thought it would be +a snug place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big trees yet +standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben and I concluded too, it +would be a clever place to camp for the night; so we headed the boat +in--for, you see, we always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as +possible, to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty heap of +depredations upon the movers and river traders, by decoyin' the boat on +shore, or layin' in ambush and firin' their rifles at the incautious +folks in the boats that got too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black +boys, rowed enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the Ingins, +as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just thar; mother war gettin' +out the supper things, and Captain Paul's wife and sister were nestling +away the children. Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the +shore thar, I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot-- + +"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain. + +"'Hold on your oars,' says I--'boys, I don't like that--it 'tain't a +deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I. + +"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank--another slight +noise--the bushes moved, and I sung out--'Ingins, by the Lord! back the +boat, back, boys, back!' + +"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but before we could +get way on the boat, a band of the bloody devils rushed out and gave us +a volley of shouts and shower of balls, that made these hills and river +banks echo again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into the +bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children were killed, his wife +wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap off my head. + +"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach of the Ingins. +They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin' war party; they could not +reach us. The wounded horses and cows kicked and plunged among the +goods, the wimin and children screamed. + +"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember to my dyin' +day, as it war only yesterday I saw and heard it. It war now dark, the +boat half filled with water, my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless +hangin' over his wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still +clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this side of the +river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and frightened senses allowed +'em. + +"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his head in her lap; she +opened his bosom and the blood flowed out. He still breathed faintly-- + +"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?' + +"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have him drink a cup of +water from the river, but he war past nourishment--and she asked him if +he knew he war dyin'? + +"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God in heaven be merciful +to me, thus cut from you and life, mother--' + +"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face of her darlin' +boy fell upon her hand--he was gone. + +"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for fear the Ingins might +be prowlin' about on this side; yes, under this very tree, did we 'camp +that gloomy night. The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer, +fearin' even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two blacks, and +we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and the two children by his +side. It war an awful thing--awful to us all; and our sighs and sobs, +mingled with the prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm +sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted. I lay +down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's wife and sister, cries of the +two survivin' children, and moans of us all, made sleep a difficult +affair. By peep of day I went down to the grave, and thar sat the old +mother. She had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had been +too much for her. + +"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged, and received two +more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul, and our kind, good old mother. +Thirty-five years have now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a +day at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles of it. +No, here must I rest too." + +The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain from taking up +the thread of his narrative to inquire what had become of Captain Paul +and his wife's sister. + +"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her to love her +sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't help lovin' her too, for +that. The captain settled down here, about two miles back, and in a few +years the sister-in-law and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old +wife she is too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll +die, and be put thar--thar, to rest in that little mound with the rest. +But I must bide my time, stranger--we must all bide our time. Now, +stranger, I've told you my sad story, I must ax a favor. Seeing as you +are a town-bred person, perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by +that grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing to pray, +though we woods people know but little about it." + +I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation of the term, +but considering we all are God's ministers that study God's will and our +own duty to man, I could pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with +an exalted feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek +it. + +A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply impressed with +this little story. + + + + +Hereditary Complaints. + + +Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a +cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in +Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey +merchant, and says she-- + +"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?" + +"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant. + +"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey--it's stale enough, too, +I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd yees ax for 'un?" + +"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got, I'll let you +have it for _two and six_." + +"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur it, and be dad not +another cint." + +"Well," says the _satisfied_ poultry merchant, "take it along; I won't +dicker for a cent or two." + +Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and went on her way +quite elated with the brilliancy of her talents in financiering! There's +one merit in meanness, if it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to +carry a pleasing sensation to the bosom of the gamester. + + + + +Nights with the Caucusers. + + +Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day +business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to +keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics +to give zest to a life already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as +those in the "sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a +solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the way to a +very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are of no peculiar class +or condition of citizens; the success of a champion depends not so much +upon the matter, as upon the manner, not upon the capital he may have in +real estate, bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental +principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable amplitude +of--brass and bravado! If any man doubts the fact, let him look around +him, and calculate the matter. Why is it that _lawyers_ are so +particularly felicitous in running for, securing, and usurping most of +all the important or profitable offices under government? Lungs--gutta +percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. A man might as well try +to bail out the Mississippi with a tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a +fence-rail, as to hope for a seat in Congress, merely upon the +possession of patriotic principles, or double-concentrated and refined +integrity. Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, his +chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance to that of Rufus +Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer attached to the Philadelphia +bar that would not beat the old gentleman out of his top boots in +running for the Senate! But we'll _cut_ "wise saws" for a modern +instance; let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses, +Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, and see things "workin'." +It is night, a ward meeting of the unterrified, meat-axe, +non-intervention--hats off--hit him again--butt-enders, have called a +meeting to _caucus_ for the coming fall contest. "Owing to the +inclemency of the weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of +some eight hundred of the _unterrified, non-intervention--Cuban +annexation--Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats off--hit him +again--butt-enders_--only eighty attend the call. Of these eighty +faithful, some forty odd are on the wing for office; one at least wants +to work his way up to the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten +to the "Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to the +custom house. + +Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the anxious multitude +are seen here and there about the corners of the adjacent neighborhood +and in the recesses of the caucus chamber, their heads +together--caucusing on a small scale. + +"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for the _Senate_, in +our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest _unterrified_, of a brother in +the same cause. + +"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?" + +"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins is a pooty +good sort of a man, but he ain't known; made himself rather unpop'ler by +votin' agin that _grand junction railroad to the north pole_ bill, afore +the Legislature, three years ago; besides he's served two years in the +Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks of going to +California or somewhere else, next spring--so I-a, I-a--don't think much +of Jenkins, anyhow!" + +"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; what do you think of +him? He's a sound _unterrified_, good man." + +"A--ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, but I don't think +its good policy to run doctors for office. If they are defeated it sours +their minds equal to cream of tartar; it spiles their practice, and +'tween you and I, Flambang, if they takes a spite at a man that didn't +vote for 'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is _for +'em to poison us!_" + +"Good gracious!--you don't say so?" + +"I _don't_ say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. I only supposed +a case," replied the wily _caucuser_. + +"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under them circumstances. +I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's +one of our best speakers--" + +"_Gas!_" pointedly responded Twist. + +"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run for Congress; you +were the first man to nominate him, too!" + +"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed and blowed; that +was no reason for my thinking him the best man we had for the office. +He's a demagogue, an ambitious, sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer +up; but, he was in our way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the +nomination, and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out of the +way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less pretendin' men +could get a chance, don't you see? Now, Flambang, you're the man I'm +goin' in for to-night!" + +"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!" + +"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, you'll be +nominated--I'll not be known in it--you'll get the nomination--called +out for a speech--so be on the trigger--give 'em a rouser, and you're +in!" + +Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor of a small +shop, in which, by the force of prudence and economy, he has laid up +something, has a voice among his fellow-citizens and some influence, but +would as soon attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder +magazine, or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as to run for +the Legislature _and make a speech in public!_ Twist knows it; he +guesses shrewdly at the effect. + +"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts to get his +breath. + +"Me? Well, if you don't want to _run_." + +"_Run?_ I would as soon think of jumping over the moon, as running for +office!" answers Flambang. "But I thank you, thank _you_ kindly, for +your good intentions, for _your_ confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good +I can do for you, I'll do, and--" + +Twist having secured the first step to his _plot_, enters the caucus +chamber in deep and earnest consultation with Flambang, and while +preparations are being made to "histe the rag," he is seen making +converts to his sly purposes, upon the same principle by which he +converted his modest friend, Flambang. + +"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another "ambitious for +distinction" _unterrified_ of "a brother." + +"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants to be nominated, +and good many more than will be," was the cogent reply. + +"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But 'tween you and I, +Pepper--I'd like to get the nomination for the Senate myself!" + +"No-o-o?" + +"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?" + +"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?" + +"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what I'll do. You hang +by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for you for the House." + +"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, and while you are +fifing away for me, I'll go around for you, Captain Johns." + +"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" asks another of +"the party," of a confederate. + +"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think he's the right kind of +a man for mayor, any how; do you?" + +"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', and I guess +he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around speaking; but here +he is; let's feel his pulse." After a confab of some minutes between +Flammer, Smithers, and Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual +satisfaction, and something is "dropped" about "go in for me for the +Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc. + +"Don't let on, that I'm _anxious_, at all, you know," says Smithers, to +which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer respond--"O, of course not!" + +Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as much formality, +fuss and fungus as the opening of the House of Parliament; soon is heard +the work of balloting for nominations, and soon it is known that _Twist_ +is _the_ man for the Senate--this calls _Twist_ out; he spreads--feels +overpowered--this unexpected (!) event--attending as a spectator, not +anticipating any thing for himself--proud of the unexpected honor--had +long served as a _private_ in the ranks of the _unterrified_--die in the +front of battle, if his friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist +falls back, mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt. +Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush of honor put +upon him, in connecting his name with the senatorial ticket. He was +proud of being thought capable of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave +his friend Pepper "a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a +speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of Smithers, that +Smithers was nominated--made a speech in favor of Skyblue and Flammer, +upon the force of which both were nominated--the wheel within a wheel +worked elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent upon the +result of the grand caucus--candidates--unanimity--etc., etc., of these +subterranean politicians. So are our great men manufactured for the +public. + + + + +Affecting Cruelty. + + +A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by +saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off the edges of +halves, quarters, and nine-pences, raised the whole neighborhood t'other +evening. He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an +attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor thing squealed +so, that the bells rang, and the South End watchmen hollered fire for +about an hour! This "old gentleman" has a way of _sweating_ the crosses +from a smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that he passes +them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence is "worthy of all +praise;" he recently _gave away_ to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of +cobwebs, and an old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill; +upon these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled the +hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen tallow candles! +If old Smearcase continues to fool away his hard-earned wealth in that +manner, his friends ought to buy an injunction on his _will!_ + + + + +The Wolf Slayer. + + +In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all of Indiana, was a +dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf and naked savage were masters of +the wild woods and fertile plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of +the pioneer's axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost magical +effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages. + +In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered not only from +the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the _wolf_. Many are the tales +of terror told of these ferocious enemies of the white man, and his +civilization. Many was the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon, +whose bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark forest, +have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path or Indian trail of +the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father was contractor for the +north-western army, under command of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He +supplied the army with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley +and Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located at +Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on the Sciota river, +and protected by a block house or rude fort, in which the inhabitants +could scramble if the Indians made their appearance. My father resided +here, and having collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the +valley with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect the drove +against the prowling minions of Tecumseh. + +The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm weather, there +arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the huge trees, by the violence of +the wind and sharp lightning, were uprooted and rent into thousands of +particles, and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I +have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of these tornadoes +has taken its way, or I should be incredulous to suppose whole acres of +trees, hundreds of years old, could be torn up, or snapped off like +reeds upon the river side. + +The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night grew darker, +until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled and dispersed. My +father crawled under the lee of a large sycamore that had fell, and +here, partly protected from the rain and falling timber, he lay down. I +have camped out some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old +gentleman's situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to sleep +mounted upon such guard. + +At length the work of destruction and ruin being done, the storm abated, +the rain ceased to _pour_ and the winds to wag their noisy tongues so +furiously. A wolf _howl_, and of all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by +beasts of prey, none can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the +ear than the _wolf_ howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke +fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath the sycamore. +It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and _then_ the more dreadful. +The drover carried a good Yeager rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man +laden with arms in the midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as +helpless as the tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's +storm. The _howl_ had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before it was +answered by dozens on every side! And as the drover's keen eye pierced +the gloom around him, the dancing, fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met +his wistful gaze. + +The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting beast, and as the +glaring eyes came nearer and nearer, the drover hugged his Yeager +tightly, and prepared to defend life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the +sharp crack of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of +terror burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a troop of +wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream after scream rent the +air, and the drover knew that a companion had fell a victim to the wolf +in his attempt at self-defence. The night was a long one, and thus, +among the savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle +again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the hunting iron +speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair of eyes glared hurriedly upon +the drover, and he could not resist the desire to use his Yeager, and +the wolf taking the contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over, +while a score rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have +been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay crouched under +the old tree, surrounded by this horde of glaring eyes, his ears split +with their awful _howl_, and their hot and venomous breath fairly in his +face! But the wolf is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye, +and so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and unquivering +eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack, but by rushing up to his +very front. The red tongue lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the +demon eyes glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf +stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still smote upon the +air and the loud howl still went up over the forest around. The first +faint streaks that deck the sky at morn, the fresh breath of coming day +caught the keen scent of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk +off. The drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his +pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl soon died +off in the distance. + +Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his lair. His loud +_whoop!_ to the disbanded men and drove was answered by the neigh of a +horse, who came galloping up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who +seemed happy indeed to meet his master. Another _whoop-e_ brought a +responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve, with seven +horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered. The forest was strewn +with torn carcasses of cattle and horses, mostly killed by the falling +timber, and partly devoured by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards +from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments of +clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body of one of the +soldiers. He had fought with the desperation of a mad man, and the dead +and crippled wolves lay as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow +near the river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several +cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn to death by the +rapacious beasts. They started out in search of the spot from whence the +drover had heard the firing in the night. They soon discovered the +place; at the foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high +lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf had his scalp +neatly taken off, and his head elaborately bored by the rifle ball. An +Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby saplin', trimmed with footholds left +on it, was laying against the old tree, at the top of which was a sort +of a rude scaffold, contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in +a hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones, but no +sign of a human being could there be traced. The party made a fire, and +as beef lay plenty around, they regaled themselves heartily, after their +night of horror and disaster. Having finished their repast, they +separated, each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of +the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have designated as +the drover, pursued his way over the vast piles of fallen, tangled +timber, leaping from one tree to the other. As he was about to throw +himself over the trunk of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself +within two feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that +ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes to the eye +of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly by surprise, by this +collision, that they seemed to be rooted to the spot without power to +move. I have heard of serpents charming birds, said the drover, but I +never believed in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by +this great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden fiery +eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady gaze from the +wolf's face. + +There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man if he keeps his +eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower and sneak off, and so did +the wolf. But no sooner had she turned her head and with a howl started +off, than a blue pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and +brought her career to a speedy termination. + +_Whoo-ep!_ + +A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western hunter made the +welkin ring again, and as the astonished drover turned towards the +shouter, he beheld a sight that proved quite as formidable as the wolf +he had just slain. + +"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like you. That shot done +my heart good, though I was about to do the old she devil's business for +ye, seeing as you war sort o' close quartered with the varmint." + +"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the speaker, a tall, +gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure, with long grey hair, and a +rude suit of wolf-skin clothing, cap and moccasins. He held in his long +arms a large rifle, a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over +his side. He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored, +and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there. + +"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty chance of bad luck yer +last night, and I never saw them cursed varmints so crazy afore." + +"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover. + +"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer, I live anywhar's +whar wolf can be found. But you don't know me, I reckon, stranger?" + +"I do not," said the drover. + +"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought thar warn't a man +this side the blue ridge but what knows me and old _kit_ here, (his +rifle.) Well, seeing you are a stranger, I'll just take that old +sarpent's top-knot off, and have a talk with ye." + +With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins scalped +the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt, motioned the drover to +follow. He led the way in deep silence some half a mile to a small +stream, down which they proceeded for some distance, until they came to +a low and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested the drover +to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin, while he entered through +a small aperture in his hut, and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some +dried meat. These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time +kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that there should +be a white man or _Ingin_ this side the blue ridge that didn't know +_him_. + +"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that you don't +know me, _me_ that kin show more _Ingin_ skelps than any white man that +ever trod these war paths; _me_, who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in +more of the varmints' skelps in one night than any white man or _Ingin_ +that ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old, +forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight from the +settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've lived to be clean ashamed +o' myself." And with this soliloquy, half to himself and partly +addressed to the drover, the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his +imaginary insignificance and dotage. + +"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed me by what +name I may call you--" + +"_Call_ me, stranger? why I _am_"--and here his eyes glared as he threw +himself into a heroic attitude--"Chris Green, _old_ Chris Green, the +_wolf slayer!_ But, God bless ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other +side the ridge, and don't know old Chris's history." + +"That I frankly admit," replied the drover. + +"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I do, though I +live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the varmints' skins, go but +seldom to the settlements, and live on what old kit thar provides me. + +"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one, but as yer unlucky +like myself and plenty of business to 'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my +troubles short to ye. + +"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue ridge with a +party of my neighbors to come down yer in the Sciota country, to see it, +and lay plans to drive the cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the +red skins appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and monstrous +civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more dependence to be put in +'em than the cantankerous wolves, and roast 'em, I always sets old kit +talkin' Dutch to them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The +wolf's my nat'ral inimy--I'd walk forty miles to git old kit a wolf +skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and we gin it as our +opinion that the Sciota country was the garden spot o' the world, and if +we could only defend ourselves 'gainst the inimy we should move right +down yer at once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull +settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought it best for us all +to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar a few Ingin huts and cabins +war. I had a wife, and son and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as +dearer to me 'nor life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon +began to show their pranks--they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot down +our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the little settlement. At +last I proposed we should build a clever-sized block house, strong and +stanch, in which our wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard +'em, could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured Paint +hills and the country about, and peppered a few of the cussed red +devils. We had been out some four or five days when we fell in with the +inimy; it war just about sunset, and the red skins war camped in a +hollow close by this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their +smoking and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar our +accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods thirty years, I +never saw such a hurricane as we had yer last night, 'cept once. The +night we lay in ambush for the _Ingins_, six-and-twenty years ago, thar +came up a hurricane, the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my +neighbors lay crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles +along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great walnuts and +sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as straight as ye'd run a +bee line; no timber grow'd upon these bottoms since. Five on us escaped +the hurricane, but before day we fell in with a large party of red +skins, and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and the +only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I made my way to the +settlement. + +"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint creek, and saw the +block house scattered over the bottom, and not a cabin standin' or a +livin' cre'ter to be seen in the settlement of Chillicothe, my heart +left me; I become a woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been +whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and the tears +suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear, he proceeded: + +"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child, nor a woman, +either; my crying spell appeared to ease my heart amazin'ly. I +shouldered old kit here, and down I went to examine things. The +hurricane had scattered every thing; the fire had been at work too, but, +great God! the bloody _wolf_ had been thar, the settlement was kivered +with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any had escaped +the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the _Ingins_ finished 'em, for I never +seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear to stay about the place, I'd no +home, friend, or kindred. I took to the woods, and swore eternal death +to the red skins and my nat'ral inimy, the _wolf!_ I've been true to my +word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented with +Ingin _top-knots!_ Look in, ha! ha! see there! they may well call old +Chris the _Wolf Slayer!_" + +The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old forlorn hunter, +and then visited the _perch_, which was situated close by a "deer lick," +where wolves resorted to fall upon their victims. And from this _perch_ +old _Wolf Slayer_ had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night +previous. The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect such of +the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found; the men came with +another of their companions, and the small drove and men left the scene +of terror and disaster, wishing a God-speed to the _Wolf Slayer_. + + + + +The Man that knew 'em All. + + +If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you +have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing and every +body! + +I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed to a venerable +lady, in reference to _forerunners_, "I see 'em now." Well, talking of +that rare and curious specimen of the human family, the man that knows +every body, I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em." +Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping off place of +Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years ago, I had the pleasure or +pastime of meeting several of the big guns of the nation, on their way +from Washington city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most +generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and feeble; when +all of the large steamers are past getting up so far, and travelling +down the river becomes quite amusing to amateurs, and particularly +tedious and monotonous to business people, bound home. Three hundred +travellers, more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and "United +States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city, or town, waiting for +the river to get up, or some means for them to get down. + +The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some time before, and +as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s, wire pullers, hangers on, +blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc., came over "the National Road" to +Wheeling, to take the river for Southern and Western destinations, of +course the assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous, and +quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men always make +themselves happy and interesting, home or abroad, and particularly so +when travelling. It was a glorious thing for the proprietors of the +hotels, to have such a host of guests, as a house full of company always +is a "host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back, eat, +drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or when opportunity +offers, to---- go. + +They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests, and played games +and tricks, and thus passed the time along. Among the multitude was one +of those ever-talkative and chanting men of the world, who knew all +places and all men--as _he_ would have it. Just after removing the +cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and wits, +settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long table, and were +having a very pleasant time. The man of all talk was there; he was the +very _nucleus_ of all that was being said or done. He was from below, +somewhere, on his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city, +upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the country in +general. + +"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and rosy gentleman, +whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're bound to the capital, eh?" + +"Yes, _sir_," responded the man of all talk. + +"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator, nudging a +friend, and winking at the rest. + +"_What?_ Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! _me_ been _there_ before! +Bless you, me _been_ in Washington city!" + +"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of the caucus folks, +eh? One of them wire pullers we read about, eh?" + +"_Me?_ Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents, (looking killingly +cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up. Ha, ha! me pulling the--ha, +ha! Well, here's to the old Constitution; let's hang by her, while +there's a--a--a button on Jabe's coat." + +And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment. + +"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches." + +"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the toast was wet down, +"you'll please excuse me, in behalf of some of my friends here; as +you've been down in that dratted place, and must know a good deal of the +goings on there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western folks +don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers." + +"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the dignity and +depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a ponderous matter. + +"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures of the +Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any means of satisfying +yourself that there is, or was, a real service of gold in the +President's house?" + +"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another. + +"How many pieces were there?" + +"_What_ were they?" + +"Aye, and what their _heft_ was?" + +"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink--no tales out of school, ha, ha! No, +no--mum's the word." And looking funny and deep, merry and wise, all at +one and the same time, the man of all talk proposed to drink and +keep---- _mum_. + +But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being let out--they +wanted a decided and positive answer, from a man who knew the ropes. + +"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a sort of +melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite over the table, so as to +collect the several heads and ears as close into a phalanx as possible: +"gentlemen, it's a _fact!_" + +"What?" says the party. + +"All gold!" says the victim. + +"A gold service?" inquires the party. + +"_Thirty-eight pieces!_" continued the victim. + +"Solid gold?" chimed the rest. + +"_Just half a ton in heft!_" + +"You don't tell us _that_?" + +"Know it; eat out of 'em, _then weighed 'em all!_" + +"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into stronger exclamations. + +"_Fact, by the great_ ----" + +"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said the mover of +the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm. + +"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty Van; on good +terms with the little Magician," continued the leading wag. + +"_Me?_ me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is a good joke; never +go to Washington without cracking a bottle with the little fox, and +staying over night with him. _Me_ on good terms with Matty? _We've had +many a spree together!_ Yes, _sir!_" and the knowing one winked right +and left. + +"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators, a fine +portly old gent, "you know him, of course?" + +"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know my letters half as +well as I know old Tom." + +"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What sort of a fellow is +Bill?" + +"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen? I wish I had a dime +for every horn, and game of bluff, we've had together." + +"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat, farmer-looking +old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand down there about Washington?" + +"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but, gents, between +you and I, (with another whisper,) there is a good deal of the 'old +fogie' senna and salts about him. But then he's death and the pale hoss +on poker." + +"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they. + +"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my watch last winter, +playing poker, at Willard's?" + +"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't know Duncan +_gambled_?" + +"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink, gents. Gamble? Lord +bless you, it's common as dish-water down there--I've played euchre for +hours with old Tom Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, _right behind the +speaker's chair!_" + +_Then_ they all _drank_, of course, and some of the party liked to have +choked. The company now proposed to adjourn to the smoking room, and +they arose and left the table accordingly. The man of all talk +promenaded out on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the +leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:-- + +"Mr. ----a--a--?" + +"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address, sir," responded +the victim. + +"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton was in town?" +inquired the wag. + +"What, Tom Benton here?" + +"And Allen," continued the wag. + +"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim. + +"And Doctor Duncan." + +"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?" + +"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see them; your friends +will be delighted," says the wag, taking Mister Ferguson by the arm, to +lead him in. + +"Ha, ha! I'm a--a--ha, ha! _won't_ we have a time? But you just step +in--I a--I'll be in in one moment," but in less than half the time, Mr. +Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither! + +The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say, were no others +than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three or four other arbiters of the +fate of our immense and glorious nation, in her councils, and fresh from +the capital. + +Ferguson has not been heard of since. + + + + +A Severe Spell of Sickness. + + +It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it. +What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, would keep +all the children in "a poor neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the +year round. When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he +was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some weeks before +Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end of the year Dr. Borax sent +in his bill; the amount gave Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and +threatened a whole year's profits with strangulation. + +"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired steep, +isn't it?" + +"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case--I never raised a +man from the grave with such difficulty, in all my practice!" + +"But, fifty-three _calls_, doctor, one hundred and six dollars." + +"Exactly--two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor. + +"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &c.--eighty-one +dollars!" + +"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir." + +"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very _well_ for people who +can af-_ford_ it, but I can't; there's your money, doctor, but I'll bet +you won't catch me sick as that again--_soon!_" + + + + +The Race of the Aldermen. + + +In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect +were a sort of _tie_; that is, so many whigs and so many democrats. Such +a thing did not occur often, the democracy usually having the supremacy. +They generally had things pretty much all their own way, and distributed +their favors among their partizans accordingly. The whigs at length +_tied_ them, and the _locos_, beholding with horror and misgivings, the +new order of things which was destined to turn out many a holder of fat +office, many a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose +devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the tenacity with +which he clung to his place, were extremely anxious to devise ways and +means to keep the whigs at bay; and as the day drew near, when the +assembled Board of Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall, +various _dodges_ were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in +questions or decisions touching the distribution of places, and +appointment of men to fill the various stations of the new municipal +government. + +"I have it--I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly alderman of a +democratic ward. "To-night the Board meets--we stand about eight and +eight--this afternoon, let two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman +H---- and Alderman J----, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H---- and J---- +tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our conveyance, come in, +and vote the infernal whigs just where we want them!" + +"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one. + +"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another. + +"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys. + +"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray expenses; we, +you know, of course, must put the whigs _through_, and we must give them +a rouse they won't forget soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket; +coach for four _out_ and two _in_. Ha, ha!--The whigs shall see the +elephant!" + +Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the two victims, the +poor whigs, were carted out under the pretence of a grand aldermanic +feast to Harlem, the scene of many a spree and jollification with the +city fathers, and other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham. + +Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles of "Sham" were +uncorked, and their effervescing contents decanted into the well-fed +bodies of the four aldermen. Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up +the time, until the democrats began to think it was time that one of +them slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the other +to _fuddle_ the two whigs, and detain them until affairs at "the Tea +Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire satisfaction of the +democrats. + +"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will call Brown, +"landlord, have you any conveyance, horses, wagons, carriages or carts, +by which any of my friends could go back to town to-night, if they +wish?" + +"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly--I can send the gentlemen in if +they wish." + +"Very well, sir,--they may get very _tight_ before they desire to +return--they are men of families, respectable citizens, and I do not +wish them, under any circumstances, to leave your house until morning. +Whatever the bill is I will foot, provided you deny them any of your +means to go in to-night. You understand!" + +"Oh! yes, sir--if you request it as a matter of favor, that I shall +keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do so--but hadn't you better +attend to them yourself?" + +"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance to +transact--must be in town this evening. Give the party all they +wish--put that in your fob--(handing the host an X)--post up your bill +in the morning, and I'll be out bright and early to make all square. Do +you hark?" says Brown. + +"Oh, yes, sir--all right," responded the landlord. + +Brown gave his confederate the _cue_, stepped out, promising to "be in +in a minute," and then, getting into a carriage, he drove back to the +city, almost tickled to death with the idea of how nicely the whigs +would be "dished" when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus +_two!_ + +Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the thing up, by +calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning--vulgarly known as +Champagne--and even walked into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply +himself, that a man with half an eye might see Smith would be as blind +as an owl in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do the +thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or too expensive to +preserve the loaves and fishes of his party. All of a sudden, however, +night was drawing on a pace, the whigs began to smell a _mice_. The +absence of Brown, and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith, +in hurrying up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs, that +something was going on dangerous to the whig cause, and that they had +better look out--_and so they did_. + +"Jones," says one of the whigs, _sotto voce_, to the other, "Brown has +cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate to corner us here, prevent +your presence in 'the Tea Room' to-night, and thus defeat your vote." + +"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?" + +"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter, bring in a bottle +of brandy." + +"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you ain't going to dive +right into it, in that way, are you?" + +"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in the world to settle +your nerves after getting half fuddled on Champagne, my boy; just you +try it--take a good stiff horn. Brown, you see, has _cut_, we must +follow; so let's straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the +loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of Cogniac, which +does really make some men sober as judges after they are very drunk on +real or spurious Champagne. + +"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very _tight_ going in +this way, brandy on Champagne; but here goes to the fishes and +loaves--the loaves and fishes, I mean." + +The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does usually; it +did _settle_ Smith--in five minutes he was so very "boozy" that his chin +bore down upon his breast, he became as "limber as a rag," and snored +like a pair of bagpipes. + +"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get us a gig, wagon, +carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off; we must be in town +immediately." + +"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you--haven't a vehicle on the +premises!" + +"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't send us into town +to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy. + +"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow--any thing, so we +can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall. + +"Can't help it, gentlemen." + +"What time do the _cars_ come along?" eagerly inquires Jones. + +"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host. + +"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But this won't do; +come, Jones, no help for it--can't fool us in that way--eight miles to +the City Hall--two hours to do it in; off coat and _let's foot it!_" + + * * * * * + +The City Hall clock had just struck 7 P. M., the Tea Room was lighted up, +the assembled wisdom of the municipal government had their toadies, and +reporters and lookers-on were there; the room was quite full. Brown was +there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted with +glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had "done" Jones and Hall +out of their votes! The business of the evening was climaxing: the whigs +missing two of their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear. +The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was called: seven +"good and true" locos answered the call. Six whigs had answered: the +seventh was being called: the locos were grinning, and twisting their +fingers at the apex of their noses! + +"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller. + +"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room. + +"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll. + +"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out. + +"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus; and in the modern +classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't any thing else." The whigs not only +had the cut but the entire _deal_ in the appointments that time, and +Alderman Brown had a _bill_ at Harlem, a little more serious to foot +than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote. + + + + +Getting Square. + + +It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy +upon the _till_, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks +to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of +the peculations of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of +the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot out, for +your diversion. + +A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised for a +bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!" Among the several +applicants who exhibited themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent, +harmless-looking youth whose general _contour_ at once struck the +tavern-keeper with most favorable impressions. + +"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?" + +"Yes, sir," said he. + +"Have you ever tended bar?" + +"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn." + +"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper. "In fact, +I'm glad you are green at the business, you will suit me the better; the +last fellow I had come to me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers +in New Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy +names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I fancied pretty +soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my small change, so I +discharged him in double quick time." + +"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant. + +"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you can get the 'run' +of things in a few weeks. I will give you twenty-five dollars a month, +first month, and thirty dollars a month for the balance of the year." + +"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth. + +"Do you think it's enough?" + +"O, yes, indeed, sir!" + +"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man, I will pay you, +punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself extra wages!" + +"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth. + +"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!" + +"Run of the till?" + +"No knocking down, sir!" + +"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as good-natured as a +lamb; I never knocked any body down in all my life." + +"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he _is_ green, so I won't teach him +what he don't know. What's your name?" + +"Absalom Hart, sir." + +"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall agree together, +for a long time; so go to work." + +Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom and the landlord got +along slick as a whistle. Another year, two, three, four; never was +there a more attentive, diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a +marble slab, or armed with a toddy stick. He was the _ne plus ultra_ of +bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But one day, somehow or +other, the landlord found himself in custody of the sheriff, bag and +baggage. Business had not fallen off, every thing seemed properly +managed, but, somehow or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in, +and the sheriff sold him out. + +Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart--nobody else. Some of the people +were astonished. + +"Well, who would have thought it?" + +"Hurrah for Absalom!" + +"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks of the outsiders, +when the fact of the sale and purchase became known. The landlord felt +quite humbled, he was out of house and home, but he had a friend, +surely. + +"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes." + +"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord. + +"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down." + +"Very true, sir." + +"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up." + +"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith." + +"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment--got my +family to support; I always trusted I treated you like a man, didn't I?" + +"A--ye-e-s, you did, I believe." + +"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of friends who of course +will patronize our house while I am in it, and you can afford me a fair +sort of a living to help you." + +"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall have to hire +somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a raw hand from the country, +I will take one who understands all about it. I'll engage you; so go to +work." + +"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the man, and the man the +master. + +"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the 'General +Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin out afore long, if he let +other people 'tend to his business instead of himself." + +"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another old head; +"he's 'bout skin'd Smith." + +"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says a third, "and +oughter try to get on to his pegs again." + +But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows all "went in," +partook of the landlord's hospitality, and hoped--of course they +did--that he might live several thousand years, and make a fortune! + +Time slid on--Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more assiduous and +devoted to the toddy affairs of the house, than Jerry Smith, the +pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart. Absalom being landlord of a popular +drinking establishment, was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies, +and various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages. Ergo, +Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had his horses, dogs, and +other pastimes; got married, and cut it very "fat." One day he got +involved for a friend, got into unnecessary expenses, was sued for +complicated debts, and so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at +the end of his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the +"General Washington" again came under the hammer. + +Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered who would become the +next customer. + +"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he had worked long and +_faith_fully, and he had saved something. Smith bought out the whole +concern, and once more he was landlord of the "General Washington." + +Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November--he was dead broke, +and felt, in his present situation, flat, stale, and unprofitable +enough. + +"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse, "I am once more +on my oars." + +"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we are up, and +sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works wonders, as you once very +forcibly remarked." + +"It does, indeed, sir." + +"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the world is large, +if it is full of changes." + +"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith--" + +"Well, Ab." + +"That we have known one another--" + +"Pretty well, I think!" + +"A long time, sir--" + +"Yes, Ab." + +"And when I was up and you down--" + +"Yes, go on." + +"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water." + +"True enough, Ab, my boy." + +"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar again, and I'll off +coat and go to work like a Trojan." + +"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you was so green you could +hardly tell a crossed quarter from a bogus pistareen--the 'run of the +till' you learnt in a week, while in less than a month you was the best +hand at 'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you and I are +square; we will keep so--go!" + +Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left for parts unknown. + + + + +People Do Differ! + + +Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't +a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he +could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to +lick him. But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too, goes up +with his resources, and he don't wait for any body to "knock the chip +off his hat," but goes right smack up to a crowd of fighting bullies, +and rolling up his sleeves, he coolly "wants to know" if any body had +any thing to say about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a +baby," his _physique_ has grown to be quite enormous, and we rather +expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched battle with some body +soon, _or he'll spile!_ + + + + +Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience. + + +Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your +ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ache, +as you know nothing, absolutely nothing about pain--the acute, +double-distilled, rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of +a treacherous tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like, +how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically which you may +pray heaven that you may not know practically. + +But there's poor William Whiffletree--he's been through the mill, +fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined, essential oil of the +agony caused by a raging tooth. Every time we read _Othello_, we are +half inclined to think that _more_ than half of Iago's devilishness came +from that "raging tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured +and tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered against all +the world, and blackamoors in particular. + +William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration of what +tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do; and affords a pretty +fair idea of the manner in which the tooth and sufferer are medicinally +and morally treated by the _materia medica_, and friends at large. + +William Whiffletree--or "Bill," as most people called him--was a sturdy +young fellow of two-and-twenty, of "poor but respectable parents," and +'tended the dry-goods store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of +Rockbottom, State of New York. + +One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom a +galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the euphonium of Dr. +Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a surgeon, he had--according to the +album-full of _certificates_--operated in all the scientific branches of +amputation, from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings, +Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the dental way, he +spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr. Wangbanger had not been long in +Rockbottom before his "gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to +elongate the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree, +in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset, dug +out, and burnished up! + +Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed youth, got up +in the most sturdy New Hampshire style, _his_ teeth _were_ teeth, in +every way calculated to perform long and strong; but Bill was fast +imbibing counter-jumper notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased +soap-locks, and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential in +cutting a swarth among ye fair sex. + +So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience with Mr. William +Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr. Whiffletree's molars which Bill +thought had a "speck" on it, he soon convinced the victim that the said +molar not only was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest +neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch! + +"O, shocking!" says the remorseless _hum_; "it is well I saw it in time, +Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a few weeks, that tooth, sir, +would have exfoliated, calcareous supperation would have ensued, the gum +would have ossified, while the nerve of the tooth becoming +apostrophized, the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and +the jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses, would +necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the capillary organs of +your stomach and brain, and--_death would supervene in two hours!_" + +Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a queer sensation +settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis legso almost bent double +under him, at the awful prospect of things before him! He took a long +breath, however, and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired-- + +"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?" + +"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor. + +"Plug and file what?" + +"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the treacherous monster +_meant_ Bill's wallet, of course! + +"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill. + +"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and splendid system invented +by myself, sir, and practiced upon all the crowned heads of Europe, +London, and Washington City, it will cost you three dollars." + +"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry. + +"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable, sir, than +otherwise," said the Doctor. + +"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the _dosh_," and forking over three +dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed chair, and the +Doctor's assistant--a sturdy young Irishman--clamping Bill's head to the +back of the chair, to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter +began to "bore and file." + +"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, _hold on!_" cries Bill, at the first _gouge_ the +Doctor gave the huge tooth. + +"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's mesilf as +untherstands it--_I'll howld on till yees!_" + +"O--O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds. + +"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor. + +"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!" + +"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a +divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he _was_ holding, for in vain Bill +screwed and twisted and squirmed around; Pat held him like a +cider-press. + +"Let me--me--O--O--O! Everlasting creation! let me go-o-o--stop, _hold +on-n-n!_" as the Doctor bored, screwed, and plugged away at the tooth. + +"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the Doctor, with a +confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief. "There, sir--there was +science, art, elegance, and dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe--your +life is safe--_you're a sound man!_" + +"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've broken my jaw into +flinders; you've set all my teeth on edge; and I've no more +feelin'--gall darn ye!--in my jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps! +You've got the wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!" + +That night was one of anxiety and misery to William Whiffletree. The +disturbed _molar_ growled and twitched like mad; and, by daylight, poor +Bill's cheek was swollen up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth +puckered, and his right eye half "bunged up." + +"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went into the store, "what +in grace ails thy face? Thee looks like an owl in an ivy-bush!" + +"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a meat-axe at his +snickering Orthodox boss. + +"Plugged and _fined_? Thee hain't been fighting, William?" + +"Fined? No, I ain't been _fined_ or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw, but I bet I +do fight that feller who gave me the tooth-ache!--O! O!" moaned poor +Bill, as he clamped his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around +waving his head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin. + +"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache? Go thee to my +wife; she'll cure thee in one minute, William; a little laudanum and +cotton will soon ease thy pain." + +Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar, but as it did no +kind of good, old grandmother proposed a poultice; and soon poor Bill's +head and cheek were done up in mush, while he groaned and grunted and +started for the store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as +though he was a rare curiosity. + +"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill was going by +his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or got the tooth-ache?" + +Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his head intimated +the cause of his distress. + +"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a half; sit down, +I'll fix it--I've cured hundreds," says Firelock. + +"What are you--O-h-h, dear! what are you going to do?" says Bill, eyeing +the wire, and lamp in which Firelock was heating the wire. + +"Burn out the marrow of the tooth--'twill never trouble you again--I've +cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared--you won't feel it but a +moment. Sit still, keep cool!" says Firelock. + +"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being already intensely +crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, took his head out of the +mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and Firelock, admonishing him to "keep +cool," crowded the hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the +hollow by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the melted tin +to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the wire, burnt his tongue, +and knocked Firelock nearly through the partition of his shop; and so +frightened Monsieur Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed +out into the street, crying-- + +"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!" + +Bill was stone dead--Firelock crippled. The apothecary over the way came +in, picked up poor Bill, applied some camphor to his nose, and brought +him back to life, and--the pangs of tooth-ache! + +"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease your pain, Mr. +Whiffletree, in a second!" + +Poor Bill gave up--the kreasote added a fresh invoice to his +misery--burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue--and he yelled +right out. + +"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!" + +"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a stranger; "'twill +take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!" + +Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; the Brick +was applied; but Bill's cheek being now half raw with the various +messes, it made him yell when the brick touched him! + +He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, finally, with +laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put him to sleep. + +He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; walked the floor +until daylight; was tempted two or three times to jump out the window or +crawl up the chimney! + +Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten minutes, some +"known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, and the ten thousand +applications usually tried to cure a raging tooth. + +Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and went after Dr. +Wangbanger, who had set all the village in a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or +a dozen of his victims were at his door, awaiting ferociously their +turns to be revenged. + +But the bird had flown; the _teuth-doctor_ had sloped; yet a good +Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his ear, Bill started for +Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a seat, shut his eyes, and said his +prayers. The little Frenchman took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and +Bill giving one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils +at an end! + + + + +A-a-a-in't they Thick? + + +During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave +"fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps; +an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and +wooden-ware generally, from one of the remote towns of the good old Bay +State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of Yankee land. In the +multifarious operations of his shop and business, Abner had but little +time, and as little inclination, to keep the run of _latest news_, as +set forth glaringly, every day, under the caption of _Telegraphic +Dispatches_, in the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of +the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our friend Phipps +was but meagerly "posted up" in what was going on in this great country, +half of his time. I must do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was +not ignorant of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New +Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean out of their +boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a humbug, and money was +pretty generally considered a cash article all over the universal world. + +But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive Slave bill? Not a +red cent's worth, no more than he did of the equitation of the earth, +the Wilmot proviso, or Barnum's woolly horse--not a _red_. He came to +Boston annually to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not +business. The very first morning of his arrival in town, the hue and cry +of "slave hunters," was raised--Shadrack, the fugitive, was arrested at +his vocation--table servant at Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill, +where Abner Phipps accidentally had stuck his boots under the +mahogany, for the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted +inner-man. Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his +_tapioca_, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what the +profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston +_restaurateur_. He saw there was a muss between the black waiter and two +red-nosed white men, but as he did not know what it was all about, he +didn't care; it was none of his business; and being a part of his +religion, not to meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued +his _tapioca_ to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the +equivalent and stepped out. + +As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, that the +niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to what they used to be; +and bending his footsteps down Brattle street, once or twice it occurred +to him that the niggers _had_ got to be thick--darn'd thick, for they +passed and repassed him--walked before him and behind him, and in fact +all around him. + +"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering thick--never saw +'em so thick in my life. _Ain't they thick?_" he soliloquized, and as he +continued his stroll in the purlieus of "slightly soiled" garments, +vulgarly known as second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very +dignified and respectable _col'ud pussons_, it again struck Phipps quite +forcibly that the niggers were _a_ getting thick. + +"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed with a gridiron," +said Phipps, "if there ain't more _niggers_--look at 'em--more niggers +than would patch and grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've +enough niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop in +here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so Abner, having +reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, pistol, bowie, jack-knife, +dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop in general. Unlucky step. + +The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed shop-keeper was +on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell the stranger something. +Just then a nigger passed the door, and looked in very sharply at +Phipps, and presently two more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all +_looking_ more or less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's, +and white-pine fixin's. + +"That's a neat _collar_," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps, sort of +miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band, red-lined +dog-collar. + +"Collar! don't call that a _collar_, do you?" + +"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir." + +"What for, _solgers_?" asks Phipps. + +"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering his mouth as +though he had _sampled_ a lemon. + +"_O!_" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't got no dogs; +bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I live; wouldn't pay tax for +forty dogs." More niggers passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and +the storekeeper. + +"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick--infernal thick, in your town +lately?" + +"Well, I don't know that they are," replied the shop-keeper; "getting +rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive bill has been put in force +over the country, sir, but it does appear to me," said the shop-keeper, +twiging sundry and suspicious-looking col'ud gem'en passing by his +store, gaping in rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the +sash of the windows--"it does appear to me, that a good many colored +persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why there goes more, more +yet; bless me, there's another, two, three, four, why a dozen has just +passed; they seem to look in here rather curiously, I wonder--only look; +what has stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the +_Congo_ market completely attracted the handsome man's attention; +his surprise finally assumed the most tangible shape and complexion of +fear, for the niggers, one and all, looked savage as meat-axes, and +began to get too numerous to mention. + +[Illustration: "What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of +two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding +up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he +pocket!"--_Page_ 99.] + +"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling over some of +the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching the street, he was more +fully impressed with the fixed fact, that the niggers were all sorts of +thick. They fairly crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against +Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister," says Phipps, +"ain't all this street big enough for you without a crowdin' me?" + +The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning at Phipps, and +then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone-- + +"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis day is ober." + +"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified as to the why and +wherefore, that _he_ should, in particular, be "crowded," especially by +an Ethiopic gentleman. + +"I guess I _won't_ then," resumed Phipps; "if any body ventures to crowd +me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd apt, and mighty quick to +squash in their heads, or whoop'm on the spot." + +"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of the two big buck +niggers, shying up alongside of the now velocipeding up-country artisan. +Phipps looked back, the negroes were following him. "Pistils? who's +talkin' about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask. + +"Dat's him, watch'm." + +"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want to lay in a stock +of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro. + +"You--you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another. + +"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?" + +"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third. + +"Dat's him! watch'm!" + +"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!" + +The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend Phipps; he stopped, +buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented; glared at him like demons; he +fixed his hat firmly upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move +upon him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell, and to +close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty gathering of all +the human faculties called into action by fear and desperation, Phipps +bounded like a Louisiana bull at a gate post; he knocked down two, +_square_; kicked over four, and rushing through the now very +considerable and formidable array of ebony, he _broke_ equal to a wild +turkey through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound of milky +butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps ever stopped running +until his boots _busted_, or he reached his bucket factory on Taunton +river. His negro deputation _waited on him_ with a rush clear outside of +town, where the speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire +committee. The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'--by +the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter at least, and +hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud pop'lation paid him. I have +no doubt, that if Abner Phipps be asked, how things look around Boston, +he would observe with some energy, + +"Niggers--niggers are thick--Godfree! _a-a-a-in't they thick!_" + + + + +A Desperate Race. + + +Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the +principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of +the Buckeye State. + +It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all +within were blythe and gay; when song and story made the circuit of the +festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter. + +We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the +pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The +Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy +legislators were present upon this occasion. + +One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in +the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known +than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous +Captain Riley! whose "narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty +generally known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine, +fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the +representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city +when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of +his far-famed and singular adventures, which being mostly told before +and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his book, I will not +attempt to repeat them. + +Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came +to the turn of a well known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati +district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed +to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give +his name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and at +the same time much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero +whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his +truthful, though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked, +that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to +compare with an adventure that he had "once upon a time" on the Ohio, +below the present city of Cincinnati. + +"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and +knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his chair. +"Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of marvellous or +fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary to affirm +upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am +about to tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--" + +"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party. + +"Well, gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio river, and settled at +Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at that time, but a little +settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now +stands the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was +the cottage and corn patch of old Mr. ----, a tailor, who, by the by, +bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well, +I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of +corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about +improving my lot, house, &c. + +"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my dog down the +river, to look up a little deer, or _bar_ meat, then very plenty along +the river. The blasted red skins were lurking about, and hovering +around the settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our +neighbors, or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and +made no bones of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight +at them. In fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a +great many traps to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping. +No, no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that. + +"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and +travelled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but +couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon, I +made tracks for the settlement again. By and by, I sees a buck just +ahead of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my +faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting distance, +and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink, I drew a _bead_ upon +his top-knot and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded awhile, when +I came up and relieved him by cutting his wizen--" + +"Well, but what had that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley. + +"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen--by Jove it had a great deal to +do with it. For while I was busy skinning the hind quarters of the buck, +and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise +like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog +heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time in reloading +my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised a howl +and broke through the brush towards me with his tail down, as he was not +used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins +about. + +"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot +up the river. The frequent gullies, on the lower bank, made it tedious +travelling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty +well covered with buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One +peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals, +gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not +above six hundred yards in my rear. Shouting and yelling like hounds, +and coming after me like all possessed." + +"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table, "you took a tree of +course?" + +"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels +like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up +with me. I run until the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter +behind me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and +there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred +yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees +were small and scarce--now, thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I +trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and when +he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and fired, and down I +brought him, dead as a door nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!" + +"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman. + +"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my rifle loaded, +here came the other two red skins, shouting and whooping close on me, +and away I broke again like a quarter horse. I was now about five miles +from the settlement, and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my +wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and there they +came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards +ahead of the other, so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got +pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was +'drawing a _bead_' on me; he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and +up came the last one!" + +"So you laid for him and--" gasped several. + +"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to +load, so I layed _legs_ to ground, and started again. I heard every +bound he made after me. I ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my +eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard +long!" + +"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody. + +"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know--rifle empty, no +big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in +my rear; and, what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not +a great ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there I +should be pinned at last. + +"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root, and down I +tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--" + +"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman. + +"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder; +but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon +as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the +red skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected +to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders. + +"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--" + +"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in +a great state of excitement. + +"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you think it was?" + +Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could +be. When Riley observed-- + +"I suppose you had--" + +"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of my hunting +shirt, and the grease was running down my legs until my feet got so +greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one hitting the dog, nearly +knocked his brains out." + +We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed-- + +"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?" + +"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in. + +"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being relieved of my heavy +boots, I put off with double quick time, and seeing the creek about half +a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a +chance there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming jogging +along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the rear. +Thinks I, here goes to load any how. So at it I went--in went the +powder, and putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, and +off snapped my ramrod!" + +"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to +the top-notch in the "member's" story. + +"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two +hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came!_ +I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming +up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin a blast +any how, as soon as I reached the creek. + +"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from +the settlement chimneys; a few more jumps and I was by the creek. The +Indian was close upon me--he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he +came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down; another +whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me! I pulled trigger, +and--" + +"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley. + +"No, _sir!_ I missed fire!" + +"And the red skin--" shouted the old woodsman in a phrenzy of +excitement-- + +"_Fired and killed me!_" + +The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble, +servants and hostlers, running up stairs to see if the house was on +fire! + + + + +Dodging the Responsibility. + + +"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an _unwilling witness_, "Sir! do +you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest _man_?" + +"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest man, did I?" +replied Pipkins. + +"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins, that the plaintiff's +reputation is bad?" inquired the judge, merely putting the question to +keep his eyes open. + +"I didn't say it was good, I reckon." + +"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath--mind, upon your oath, +upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is a rogue, a villain and a +thief!" + +"_You_ say so," was Pip's reply. + +"Haven't _you_ said so?" + +"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use of my repeating +it?" + +"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer of Thumbtown, +"Sir-r! I charge you, upon your sworn oath, do you or do you not +say--Blinkins stole things?" + +"No, _sir_," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never said Blinkins +stole things, but I _do_ say--_he's got a way of finding things that +nobody lost!_" + +"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned. + + + + +A Night Adventure in Prairie Land. + + +"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your +_mot_,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat, and +I'll warrant the old doe and her fawns will be found retracing their +steps." + + [*] _Mot_ is the name given small clumps of trees or woods, found + scattered over the prairie land of Texas. + +We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three of us; one, an +old hunter, who, after marking out our course, giving us the lay of the +land, and various admonitions as to the danger of getting too far from +camp, looking out for "Injin signs," &c., "Old Traps," as we called him, +took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion were each armed +with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the way, and mine an Ohio piece, +carrying about one hundred and twenty balls to the pound, consequently +very light, and not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred +yards. It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe +consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats, two shirts, and +jean hunting shirts--all thin, to be sure, but warm and comfortable +enough for a day's hunt. We trudged about until noon, firing but once, +and then at an alligator in a _bayou_, whose coat of mail laughed to +scorn our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt, +he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid stream. Seating +ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood, we made a slight repast upon some +cold _pone_, which, moistened with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must +needs confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont +dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed, all of a sudden +we heard a racket in our rear, which, though it startled us at first, +soon apprised us that game was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few +yards above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down the slight +bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns. + +As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their noses into the +drink, we both let drive at them: but, in my rising upon my knee to fire +at the buck, he got wind of the courtesies I was about to tender him, +and absolutely dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he +"juked"--to use an old-fashioned western word--down his head the moment +he saw fire, the bullet merely made the fur fly down his neck, and, with +a back bound or double somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked +thunder. + +Our eyes met--we both grinned. + +"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!" + +"Both missed?" says I. + +"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a greaser or +Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat us about the jaws with +'em!" + +It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we both laughed +quite jocosely at it. + +"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle, "you and I can't +give it up so, no how." Tripping up a cup of the alligator fluid, we +washed down our crumbs, and started. We followed the deer about two +miles up the _bayou_; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking, +and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a suspicious place +carefully and cautiously, we had another fair view of the doe and fawns, +feeding and watching on the side of a broad prairie. The distance +between us was quite extensive; we could not well approach within +shooting distance without alarming them. The only alternative was for +my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush and stuff, and let me +circumvent the critters; one of us would surely get a whack at them. I +started; a slow, tedious scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to +the windward of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass and +chapperel, about a branch of the _bayou_, the old doe began to raise her +head occasionally, and scent the air: this, as I got still nearer, she +repeated more frequently, until, at length, she took the hint, and made +a break down towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just as +the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired. 'Bout went the +deer, making a dash for my quarters; but before getting any ways near +me, down toppled one of the young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my +blood was up--I was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and +perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot, off hand, as +the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at over eighty yards, I let +her have the best I had; the bullet struck--the old doe jumped, by way +of an extra, about five by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask +permission at that. A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in +peppering a few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an +amateur hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or flock of +wild turkeys, you may safely premise it would take some capital to buy +him off. + +I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps," greasers and +Injins--my whole capital was invested in the old _doe_, and I was after +_her_. She was badly wounded; I thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon, +and I followed clear across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling +considerably fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and being +no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled along, I sat down, +wiped the salt water from my parboiled countenance, and began to---- +think I'd gone far enough for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little +too far, for the sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the +black shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I hurried +out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it was no go. I had +entirely reversed the order of things, in my mind; I had lost my +bearings. The evening was cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet +night, and neither moon nor stars were to be seen. + +Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the broad prairie, +upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I plodded along, quite +chilly, and my thin garments, wet from perspiration, were cold as cakes +of ice to my flesh. I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the +right track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was some +doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for raising a fire, and +the _meat_ and what bread was left at our last repast. Night came right +down in the midst of my cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain +began to fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of +spirits--the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not even the +tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark monotony, is a wet +blanket to cheerfulness. I really think the stillness of a large prairie +is one of the most painful sensations of loneliness, a man ever +encountered. The sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a +comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially +double-distilled monotony of these great American grass-patches--you +can't call them deserts, for at times they represent interminable +flower-gardens, of the most elegant and voluptuous description. + +Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye; how I +envied--not for the first time either--the unthankful inmates of even a +second-rate boarding-house! A negro cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe +cake, had charms, in my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into +fit themes for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least +three miles, in one direction, I struck a large _mot_, that jutted out +into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to hang up for the night. +I was soaking wet--hungry and wolfish enough. My utter desperation +induced me to work for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a +piece of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no Ingins. +I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that the red devils would +surround me, give me one bite and a drink, and I'd die happy. All of a +sudden, I got sight of a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the +distance! It was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold +as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff limbs, and +struck a bee line for the light. After wading, stumbling, and tramping, +until my weary legs would bear me no longer, I had the mortification to +see the fire at as great a distance as when I first started. This about +knocked me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let myself be +wet down into _papier mache_ by the descending elements. Blessed was he +that invented sleep, says Sancho Panza, but he was a better workman that +invented _spunk_. All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort +of martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched straight for +the fire in the weary distance. A steady and toilsome perseverance over +brake and bush, mud, ravine, grass and water, at length brought me near +the fire. And then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian +camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the morning +with a human barbecue, and these impressions were nearly sufficient +inducement for me to go no further. It might be my friend Mat's fire, +and it might not be: it wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a +fire, and the more I debated, the worse complexion things bore. +Involuntarily, however, I edged on up towards the fire, which was going +down apparently. Coming to a _bayou_, I reconnoitered some time. All was +quiet, save the pattering of the rain in the grass, and on the +scattering lofty trees. I stood still and absorbed, watching the dying +fire, for an hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense +darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a murky, rainy +morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued, and hungry beyond all mental +supervision or fear, I marched point blank up to the fire, and there +lay--not a tribe of Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast +asleep, under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside +of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug! + +I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of any red skin +within ten miles, and Mat started upon his feet and snatched his +"Yeager" from under the log quicker than death. + +"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only going to eat ye!" + +Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of his fawn was jerked +and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing about five pounds, and +getting a few whiffs at Mat's old stone pipe, I took his nest under the +log, and slept a few hours sound as a pig of lead. + +Waked up, prime--stowed away a few more pounds of the fawn, and then we +started for camp. Living and faring in this manner, for from three to +twelve months, may give you some idea of the training the heroes of San +Jacinto had. + + + + +Roosting Out. + + +In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and +his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like +tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a +small hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour up and +across the Sabine, and so into the United States, homeward bound. + +There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr. Clenen, one of +our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and mules, in the party; and with a +tolerable fair camp equipage, plenty of ammunition, one or two "old +campaigners" and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed +we should have a pleasant time. The first five days were cold, being +early Spring, wet, and not _very_ interesting; but as all of the party +had seen some service, and not expecting the comforts and delicacies of +civilization, they were all the better prepared to take things as they +came, and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow, and reach +Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas, and strike near Fort +Smith, in twenty or thirty days. We left Houston in the morning, passed +Montgomery, and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and Trinity +River, the first five days, then stood off north for the head of the +Sabine. + +Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in with some wild +turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days and lived like fighting +cocks. The turkeys were picked off the tall trees, as they roosted after +night, by rifle shots, and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich +flavor of a well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a +crowder--a large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as a +barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base, and full +three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up. This must have +been the hive of many and many a swarm, for years past; the tree was cut +down, and contained from one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb! +Nor are such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red River, +&c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather then being much improved, +it was suggested that the camp should be moved a few miles off, and +leave the bee tree and its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if +they did come about, we should come back and have a few pops at them. +The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing a few gallons of the +translucent delicacy, the camp was struck, and, following an old trail a +few miles, we found a delightful site for recamping under some large +oaks on a creek, a tributary of the Sabine river. + +Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during the day had found +"a deer lick," about three miles above the camp, and to vary the +_viands_ a little, it was proposed that three of the boys should go up +after dark, lay about, and see if a shot could be had at some of the +visitors of "the lick." + +One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old traps," from the +fact of his always being so ready to explain the manner and uses of all +sorts of traps, and the inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the +course of twenty years' experience in the far west. + +Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed committee, that +night, to attend to the cases of the deer. Soon after dark we put out, +and in the course of a couple of hours, after some floundering in a +muddy "bottom" and through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was +found, and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps" took a +lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted on a dead tree, with a +few bushes around it, and in a particularly dark spot, from the fact of +some very heavy timber with wide-spreading tops standing around and +nearly over us. + +The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation, for a long +time, is most desirable and necessary in the character of a +hunter;--some men have a faculty for holding a fishing-rod hours at a +time over a fishless tide, with wondrous ardor; and I have known men to +watch deer, bear, and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty +hours. Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain, and a +musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant pastime; but my +patience revolted at the idea of squatting on the wet log, all cramped +up, three or four hours, and no deer making their appearance; Doctor and +I made up our minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp. +Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two deer, fine +antlered customers, made their appearance about three hundred yards from +us, out on a small plain, where their sprightly forms could just be made +out as they leisurely stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon +convinced us that _his_ eye was still open, although we had concluded he +was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack of "old traps'" rifle +brought down one of the deer, and the other, in bounds of thirty or +forty feet at a spring, whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I +fired at the flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off +he sped. + +"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we all bustled up to +where the deer lay kicking and plunging in his death throes. "By Jove, +'traps,' you've put a ball clean through his head!" + +"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself." + +"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I. + +"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued loading up his +rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's hide, quarter it, and travel +back to the camp, for we ain't gwoine to have any more deer to-night." + +This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters and hide, and +travelled; Doctor and I brought up the rear with the rest of the meat +and fat. + +To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded to take a +little round-about way, and relieved one another by taking "spells" at +carrying the rifles and the meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for +some time, when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the +camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough. + +Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was behind some twenty +yards with both rifles; we were passing through some thin timber which +skirted a little prairie, out on which we could see quite distinctly; +Doctor made a sudden halt-- + +"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?" + +"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor, who made free to +drop the meat, wheeled about, snatched his rifle out of my fists and +_broke!_ + +"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!" + +Upon that _hint_ there were two gentlemen seen hurrying themselves +_somewhat_, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor was what you might call +a fast trotter, but when he broke into a full gallop the odds against me +were dreadful! I was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out +stopped to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face and +dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain where the Doctor +had got to. No sound broke the reigning stillness, save the sonorous +"coo-hoot" of an owl. My rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that +my caps were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared in the +fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely at a dead +loss as to the bearings of the camp. + +"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over spilt milk--it's +no use to move when there is no idea existing of bettering one's self, +so here I'll _roost_ until daylight, unless Doctor comes back to hunt me +up!" I judged it was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it +possible that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite to +follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!--A proper site for a _roost_ +was the next matter of importance, and a scrubby oak with a thick top, +close by, offered an inviting elevation to lodge. + +A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp air of its +approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a crotch very fatiguing +"pastime." + +When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation that +convinced me, according to Indian signs, that Doctor and I had gone +South too far to hit the camp, and, to the best of my reckoning, the old +bee tree was not far out of my way, and that I now struck for. + +About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the bee tree, made a +dinner on honey, which was scattered about considerably, giving evidence +of its having been visited by our rugged Russian friends. + +And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not linger about a spot +where troublesome customers might abound, I made tracks for the camp, +which was reached about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the +Doctor had not come in yet. + +"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been prophesying "the +boys" were lost, and would not soon be found again. However, the old +fellow put away his deer skin, which he had been cleaning, &c., to give +me a feed of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my +exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious. Two of the +party, with one of the black boys, and a mule, had been out since noon +in quest of us, and about midnight they returned with the Doctor, who +congratulated me on what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all +concluded _it was a_ DEER _hunt!_ Though we "had a time" at the bee +tree, next night, that made us about square. + + + + +Rather Twangy. + + +Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin, +and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one +night last week, and after striking a light, they _lit_ upon a large +demijohn, having the suspicious look of a whiskey holder. One held the +light, while another held up the _demi_ to his mouth, and took a small +taster. + +"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky, I'm thinkin'!" +says the fellow, screwing his face into all manner of puckers. + +"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and I'll take a +swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "_Agh!_" says he, putting down the +demijohn in haste, "it's rale bhrandy--_agh-h!_" + +"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a swig at 'em," and +Paddy number three took hold, and down he rushed a good slew of it! + +"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened--o-o-och! +Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo, that the neighbors were +awakened. They came rushing in, and arrested Paddy number three. The +others fled, with their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow +had drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha stomach, he +stood the infliction without kicking the bucket, but he was bleached, in +two days--white as a bolt of cotton cloth! + + + + +Passing Around the Fodder! + +A DINNER SKETCH. + + +A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "_Empire +State_," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's +ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker +city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining and +eulogising the external appearance and internal arrangements of the +"Empire," winding up our investigation, of course, with a _look_ into a +small corner cupboard in the barber's office, where a superb _smile_--as +_is_ a smile--can be usually enjoyed by the _nobbish_ investment of a +York shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"--gliding by the +beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely palaces of the business +men of the great city of New York, we were soon out upon the broad, deep +Sound, a glorious place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells +announced "supper ready"--a general stampede into the spacious cabin +took place, and though the tables strung along forty rods on each side +of the great cabin, not over half the crowd got seats upon this +interesting occasion. I was _about_ with my friend--in _time_, stuck our +legs under the mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper +superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar from his +devotions. We got along very nicely. An old chap who sat above us some +seats, and whose rotund developments gave any ordinary observer reason +to suppose his appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching +about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd bawl "right eout" +for them. + +"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that saas; give us a +chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what d'ye call that stuff?" + +"This?" says one, passing along a dish. + +"Pshaw, no, t'other there." + +"Oh! ah! yes, _this_," says my facetious friend. + +"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and down we sent the +biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood. + +"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll see how it +works." + +Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the various +_heavy_ courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed it over to my +next neighbor with-- + +"Please to pass that up, sir?" + +"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the plate very gingerly; +"pass it _up_?" + +"Aye, yes, if you please," says I. + +By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his fists, and began +to look about him where to pass the plate _to_. Nobody in particular +seemed on the watch for a _spare_ plate. The gent looked back at me, but +I was "cutting away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left eye +the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon the corn pile of my +friend's foot under the table. + +At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the table waiting for +the plate, and quickly he whispered to his next neighbor-- + +"Please, sir, to-to-a, _just pass this plate up!_" + +The man took the plate, and being more of a practical operator than his +neighbor, gave the plate over to _his_ next neighbor, with-- + +"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please," dodging his head +towards an old gent in specs, who sat near the head of the table, +grinning a ghastly smile over the field of good things. + +"It's _going!_" + +"_What?_" says my friend. + +"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet, you'll see a +good thing." + +The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It was given to the +old gentleman in specs; he looked over the top of his specs very +deliberately at the "fodder," then back at the thin, pale, +student-looking youth who handed it to him, then up and down the table. +A raw-boned, gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old +gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His lips quacked as if +in the act of--"pass this plate, sir,"--to his next neighbor; he was too +far off for us to _hear_ his discourse. Well, the plate came booming +along down the opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over +to his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold of the +invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably, that he was keeping +_somebody_ (!) out of his grub, so he quickly turned to his neighbor and +passed the plate. One or two more moves brought the plate within our +range, and there it liked to have _stuck_, for a fussy old Englishman, +in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted-- + +"I don't want it, sir." + +"Well, but, sir, please _pass it_," says the last victim, beseechingly +holding out the plate. + +"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at length reluctantly +seizing on the plate, and rushing it on to his next neighbor, who +started-- + +"Not mine, sir." + +"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody." + +Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their pretty eyes and +noses while the gents _passed it_ by them. + +"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that you gave me!" +says my next neighbor, to whom I had first given the "currency." + +"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with feigned +astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a good supper so +universally discarded!" + +The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the table. An elderly +lady looked up, looked around, removed a large sweet potato from the +pile--then passed it along. An old salty-looking captain, just then took +a vacant seat, and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He +looked voracious-- + +"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort; thunder and +oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's the _duff for me!_" + +That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and my friend--_yelled +right out!_ + + + + +A Hint to Soyer. + + +Magrundy says, in his work on _Grub_, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a +pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancient chapeau; +but our friend Perriwinkle affirms that the French ain't "nowhere," +after a feat he saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding +house" in the North End:--the landlady made a chowder out of an old +broom mixed with sinders, and after all the boarders had dined upon it +scrumptiously, the remains made broth for the whole family, next day, +besides plenty of fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is +bound--_to make Rome howl!_ + + + + +The Leg of Mutton. + + +I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable +man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sunday dinner. I +have heard, or read somewhere or other, almost similar stories; whether +they were real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for the +authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well. + +In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some military +disputes with England, which elicited some pretty tall fights by land +and sea, and the land we live in was considerably excited upon the +subject, and patriotism rose to many degrees above blood heat. +Philadelphia, about that time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the +scene of drum-beating, marching and counter-marching, and volunteering +of the patriotic people. + +The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors of the +respective States reiterated them, and a large portion of our brave +republicans were soon in or marching to the battle field. There lived +and wrought at his trade, carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia, +about that time, a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was +his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man, married, had a +small, comfortable family, and to all intents and purposes, settled down +for life. How deceptive, how unstable, how uncertain is man, to say +nothing of the more frail portion of the creation--woman! Peter Houp one +fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to get a leg of +mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's dinner. Beyond the object of +research, Peter never dreamed of extending his travels for that day, +certain. A leg of mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a +matter somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of mutton +as can be found on this side of the big pond, can be found almost any +Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania market wagons, which congregate +along Second street, for a mile or two in a string. Peter could have +secured his leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most. + +But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and in the course of +time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for which the _leg of mutton_ was +to be brought and prepared, and offered up, a sacrifice to the household +gods and grateful appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor +the man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors of the +carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the next! I cannot, of +course, realize half the agony or tortures of suspense that must have +preyed upon that wife's heart and brain, that must have haunted her +feverish dreams at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death +strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled, cold, +breathless, dead--we see, we know there is the end! Grief has its +season, the bitterest of woe then calms, subsides, or ceases; but +_lost_--which hope prevents mourning as dead, and whose death-like +absence almost precludes the idea that they live, engenders in the soul +of true affection, a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more +agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have endeavored +to depict what must have been, what were the feelings of Peter Houp's +wife. She mourned and grieved, and still hoped on, though months and +years passed away without imparting the slightest clue to the +unfortunate fate of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a +girl, grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings of +the lost man having reached his family; but they still lived with a kind +of despairing hope that the husband and father would yet _come home_, +and so he did. + +Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter. As he strolled +along with his basket under his arm, on the eventful morning he sought +the leg of mutton, he met a platoon of men dressed up in uniform, +muskets on their shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of +hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes, it was a +company of volunteers, just about shipping off for the South, to join +the "Old Zack" of that day, General Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks +of the volunteers several of his old _chums_; he spoke to them, walked +along with the men of Mars, got inspired--patriotic--_drunk_. Two days +after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet, honest, and +industrious carpenter left his wife and children full of hope and +happiness, he found himself in blue breeches, roundabout, and black cap, +on board a brig--bound for New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was +too late to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through the +foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile, as she could +not reach New Orleans, the British under General Packenham being off the +Balize. So the volunteers were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over +land to the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was not +only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false step once in +life, but a brave one. Having gone so far, and made a step so hard to +retrace, Peter's cool reason got bothered; he poured the spirits down to +keep his spirits up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate. +Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the cotton bags, +which he had assisted in getting down from the city to the battle +ground, piled up, and now ready to defend his country while life lasted. +Peter fought well, being a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself, +tall, firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's +attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally complimented +for his skill and courage by the victorious Commander-in-chief. Every +body knows the history of the battle of New Orleans--I need not relate +it. After the victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license, +and they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as all +cities are likely to represent when near a victorious army. Peter Houp +was on a "regular bender," a "big tare," a long spree--and for one so +unlike any thing of the kind, he went it with a _perfect looseness_. + +A rich citizen's house was robbed--burglariously entered and robbed; and +Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia carpenter, who would not have +bartered his reputation for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his +sober senses, was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation, +false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary. O, +what an awful probation of sorrow and mental agony were those seven long +years! But they passed over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse +man, fortunately, but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard a word +of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted--his family--for +eight years, and his heart yearned towards them so strongly that, +pennyless, pale and care-worn as he was, he would have started +immediately for home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he +concluded to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of his +abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter. Weeks, months, +and a year passed, and no reply came, though another letter was +dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage of the first; (and both letters +did miscarry, as the wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as +a lost man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death could +end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune would have it, he +never again sought refuge from his sorrows in the poisoned chalice, the +rum glass; not he. Peter toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four +years found himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard +cash, and a fully established good name. But all of this time he had +heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden, one fine day in +early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived in Philadelphia; and in +a few rods from the wharf, upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor. +The astonishment of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out-- + +"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?" + +"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans." + +Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in the same +place, and long mourned him as forever gone. Peter Houp felt any thing +but merry, but he was determined to have his joke and a merry meeting. +In an hour or two Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own +door. + +"Well, Nancy, _here is thy leg of mutton!_" and a fine one too he had. + +The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker origin; sober and +stoical as her husband, she regarded him wistfully as he stood in the +door, for a long time; at last she spoke-- + +"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a _long time for it_." + +The next moment found them locked in each other's arms; overtasked +nature could stand no more, and they both cried like children. + +The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and lives yet, I +believe, an old and highly respected citizen of "Brotherly Love." + + + + +A Chapter on Misers. + + +We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--_money_. The poor +feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its +corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp +and power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt hearts and +enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance--yea, curse of mankind in +general. + +It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not over one in a +thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on to amass dollar upon dollar, +until the shining heaps of garnered gold and silver become a god, and a +faith, that the rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the +most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency, against the +odds and chances of advanced life, a man may be pardoned for a degree of +economical prudence; but for parsimonious meanness, there is certainly +no excuse. I have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who +owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as well as many +excellent farms around there, and who, though rich as a Jew (worth +$200,000), was so despicably and scandalously mean, as to go through the +markets and beg bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup +for their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating +"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and add dime and +dollar to his already bursting coffers. + +At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was one the poor wretch +would fain have gotten a little more time on, but the Court of Death +brooks no delay--there is no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs +of error, by which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire, +can gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The miser was +called for, and he knew his time had come. He sent for the undertaker, +he bargained for his burial-- + +"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir--I'm poor, miserably poor. I want +but three carriages. My children may want a dozen--I say but _three_; +put that down. A very plain coffin; pine, stained will do, and no +ornaments, hark ye. A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms, +but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry me out! Now, +what will you ask for the job?" + +"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker. + +"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say fifteen dollars--give +me a receipt--_and I'll pay you the cash down!_" + +Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul had flown to its +resting-place in another world. + +In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the Neck," there lived, +some years ago, a wealthy old man, who resorted to sundry curious +methods to live without cost to himself. His house--one of the +handsomest mansions in the "South End," in its day--stood near the road +over which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market, with +their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old Gripes would be up +before day, and on the lookout for these wagons. + +"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to the countryman. + +"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages, turnips, +parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?" + +At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the vegetables, pocket +a potato, an onion, turnip, or-- + +"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures can't afford to +pay such prices as you ask; no, no--we must wait until they come down." +The old miser would sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and +the farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser, and lay in +ambush for another load, and thus, in course of a few hours, he would +raise enough vegetables to give his household a dinner. Another "dodge" +of this artful old dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of +course, a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then go +abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence, and when he +had four fourpences, get a quarter of a dollar for them, and thus in +getting a dollar, he made four per cent., by several hours' disgusting +meanness and labor. + +But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man had watched +him for some time purloining his vegetables, and on the first of the +year, sent in a bill of several dollars, for turnips, potatoes, +parsnips, &c. The old miser, of course, refused to pay the bill, denying +ever having had "the goods." But the countryman called, in _propria +persona_, refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill was not +footed on sight, he should prosecute him for _stealing!_ This made the +old miser shake in his boots. He blustered for awhile; then reasoned the +case; then plead poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man +to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him into his +sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young scamp, to go up stairs +and see if he could find five dollars in any of the drawers or boxes up +there. The young man finally called out-- + +"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, _the gold or silver_?" + +"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man--"the boy wants to let on I've got bags +of gold and silver!" + +And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold and silver; he +hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and tried to get off fifty +cents less than the countryman's bill; but the countryman was stubborn +as a mule, and would not abate a farthing--so the old miser had to +hobble up stairs and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole +operation was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking +out eye-teeth. + +The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not long after this, +he got a spurious dollar put upon him in one of his "exchanging" +operations, and that wound up his penny shaving. + +Time passed--Death called upon the wretched man of ingots and money +bags,--but while power remained to forbid it, the old miser refused to +have a physician. When, to all appearance, his senses were gone, his +friends drew the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had +always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours, and his +last illness--but as one of the attendants slowly removed the garment, +the poor old man, with a convulsive effort--a galvanic-like grab--threw +out his bony, cold hand, and seized his old pantaloons! + +The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words struggled in his +throat; he could not utter them; his jaw fell--he was dead! + +Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives to know what +could have caused the poor old man to cling to his time-worn pantaloons; +but the mystery was soon revealed--for upon examination of the linings +of the waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were there +concealed! + +The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such misguided and +wretched slaves of--money, say we. + + + + +Dog Day. + + +I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once +upon a time, when a Dutch _bottier_, in the city of Charleston, S. C., +put an end to my poor _Sue_,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull +terrier specimen of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My _Sue_ +got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating cordwainer and she +had a dispute--he, the bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver, +and--I was dogless! I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and +every man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the +luxury handsomely--to the city authorities. Some people have a great +weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex +of highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly +polished collar--following them through crowded thorough-fares. Some +young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing +lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the +disgust of the lookers-on--with all the fondness and blind infatuation +of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you see any +quantity of white and black _loafers_--Philadelphia, for instance, +you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says poverty and +oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters read _dogs_. +Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had +occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake, for hours at +a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any body the powder +that would blow him up--but has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law, +so judiciously practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever +had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and _nip_ out a patch of +your trowsers, boot top and calf--the size of an oyster, but has felt +for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal enmity to the whole +canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and +patent leathers--just as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly +forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his grief--like +a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand. + +The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are a +nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the "Spirit," and his thousand +and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary; +and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a +tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be. + +While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I heard +a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting gent from +the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not +particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier or +Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement in the +Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did, requesting the "fancy" to +bring along the right sort of dog to the Irving House, room number --. + +The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on Saturday. +There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the "Spirit" having +been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men +were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room number --had +scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a man and a dog. + +"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal. + +"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way, it +must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of fancy +dogs. + +"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added. + +"A greyhound, full blooded, sir." + +"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, he don't look as +though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister, +if he was full bellied--looks as hollow as a flute!" + +This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first +looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or +disgust, says he: + +"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir." + +"Well, what do you ask for him?" + +"Seventy-five dollars." + +"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?" + +"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: "you don't know a +hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!" +and the man and dog disappeared. + +The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before the +servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their specimens +along, and were invited to "step in." + +"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his +eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt. St. +Bernard. + +"That _is_ a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the dog merchant. + +"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman. + +"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought of getting about +fifty-five dollars for him, but I--" + +"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's enough--he won't +suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs." The man and dog left +growling, and the next man and dog were brought up. + +"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on it; +why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been scalded, +hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, examining the critter. + +"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the speaker, +"why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?" + +"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he looks +like a singed possum?" + +"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise for a +_dog_, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?" + +Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened it to +get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently "killed for +Keyser," rushed in with a pair of the +ugliest-looking--savage--snub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, "the fancy" +might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush at +the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty +perceptibly. + +"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid +o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty--day's de dogs, mister, vot you +read of!" + +"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly +brutes. + +"Fierce? Better believe dey are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see +'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?" + +"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; "they are not +exactly what I want," he continued. + +"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go for +to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down here, +for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds +and lam ye out o' yer boots!" + +Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent propositions +were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening the door and +ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see the +new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensued--both of Jakey's pups +lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared +perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his +own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave +them. Of course a dog fight is the _cue_ for a man fight, and in the wag +of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had a +dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing _a la_ "the fancy," when the sorrel +dog man--who, like his dog, was got up on a liberal scale of strength +and proportions--walked right into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him +in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room! +Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in bodily fear +than otherwise, and was making a break for the door, to clear himself, +when, to his horror and amazement, he found the entry beset by sundry +men and boys, and any quantity of dogs--dogs of every hue, size, and +description. At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their +equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs--another fight ensued +on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and some others, and then a stampede +of dogs--mixing up of dogs--tangling of ropes and straps--cursing and +hurraing, and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than +described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry--to say nothing of +the yelps of dogs, came out of their various rooms, and retired as +quickly, to escape the stray and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing, +yelping, and pitching all over the house! By judicious marshalling of +the servants--broom-sticks, rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their +various proprietors were ejected, and order once more restored; the +country sportsman seized his valise, paid his bills and "vamosed the +ranche," and ever after it was incorporated in the rules of the Irving, +that gentlemen are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while +"putting up" in that house. + + + + +Amateur Gardening. + + +"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this +Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one +morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of +his garden, to see where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots +were going to appear. + +"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. "Goldblossom +said they were the finest roots he ever sold--ought to be up and in +bloom--two months ago." + +"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, "that our Patrick, +one morning last Spring, was digging in the garden there, and he turned +up some things that looked just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked +at them, and thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left +undug when they moved away last winter!" + +"Well, you-a--" gasped Tapehorn. + +"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, and they were the +meanest tasting things we ever knew, and we gave them all to the pigs!" + +Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, and jamming +his fists down into his pockets, he walked into the house, muttering: + +"Tut, tut, tut!--thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of dahlias in the +world--_gone to the pigs!_" + + + + +The Two Johns at the Tremont. + + +It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and queer _contre +temps_ do not take place in the routine of human affairs, when we find +so _many_ persons floating about of one and the same name. It must be +shocking to be named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson, +but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that man's situation, who +has at the baptismal font received the title of _John Smith_? + +Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence of +fate--the meeting of two or three persons of the same name, or of great +similarity of name, to create the most singular and even ludicrous +circumstances and tableaux. One of these affairs came off at the Tremont +House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose Nova-Scotian--a +man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons" at home, doubtless, put up for a +few days at the Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a +genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers, took up his +quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment. + +Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets, linen, and +dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces, and was also a +politician, and "went on" for the part of magistrate, occasionally. John +Thomas was a retired wine-merchant, and, having netted a bulky fortune, +he took it into his head to _travel_, and as naturally as he despised, +and as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated +country of ours, he nevertheless condescended to come and look at us. + +Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas; one was "roomed" +in the north wing, the other in the south wing. Thomas Johns went out +and began reconnoitering among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas, +having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and beer, +laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three days in "hazing +around" the servants, and blaspheming American manners and customs. + +Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous Tremont +dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his door aroused him. + +"What are you--at?" growls John. + +"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants. + +"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John. + +"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to see you," says +the servant. + +"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated the "young man," +he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed into his lethargy, and the servant +whirled down into the rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the +gentleman desired. + +"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he might be a clerk +in an importing house. The young man left, in something of a high +dudgeon. + +"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second time, roused by the +servant's rat-tat-too. + +"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur." + +"Tell him to go to the d--!" and John snored again. + +"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns. + +"Mister _Thomas_ did yez mane, zur?" + +"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose; Thomas +Johns," says the gentleman. + +"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant. + +"Well, what did he say?" + +"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us, zur; he says yez +may go to the divil!" + +"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how--invite a gentleman to dine with +him, and then meet him with such language as that. The infernal 'blue +nose,' I'll pull it, I'll tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and +off went "the gentleman," hot as No. 6. + +"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering another +inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas Johns, the carriage driver was not +certain which. + +"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going fur to take +till himself, and didn't want any callers." Reaching John's door, he +began his tattoo. + +"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John, partly up and dressed. + +"The carriage is here, zur." + +"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet. + +"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the _number_, if ye plaze." + +"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number? Go tell the +carriage----" + +"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation of the +command. + +"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait." + +The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering-- + +"Ah, some of their _haccommodations_, I expect; these American +landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild woods 'ere, do +manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations; ha, but they'll +take care to look hout for the dollars. I don't know, tho', these +fellers 'ere appear tolerably clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose, +and see some of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! _Lions!_ I wonder what +they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!" + +Getting through his toilet--and it takes an Englishman as long to fix +his stiff cravat and that _stiffer_ and stauncher shirt-collar, and rub +his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out _tout ensemble_, to say nothing of +the gallons of water and dozens of towels he uses up in the +operation--John found the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but +jumped in. + +"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?" says the +driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them. + +"No; drive off--where are you going to drive me?" + +"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for." + +"Humph! Some of the _battle-grounds_, I suppose," John grunts to +himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and the coach drives +off. + +Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the house, +consequently he was not known to the servants, and very little known to +the clerks. John Thomas was another person--he was all fuss and +feathers. He kept his bell ringing, and the servants rushing for towels +and water, water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English +papers, maps of America, &c., without cessation. He was John Thomas and +Thomas Johns, one and indivisible. + +John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than ever; and by +the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets and huge shawls about his +burly neck, he was telegraphed by a servant to come down; there was a +gentleman below on business with him. John foreswore business, but the +gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose. His +unmistakable _mug_ told he was "an officer." + +"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!" said +the presenter, peremptorily. + +John was thunderstruck. + +"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath. + +"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith & Brown's, for Nova Scotia. The +bill was to be paid this morning, as you agreed, but you told the clerk +to go to the d--l! Won't do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or +you must go with me!" + +John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was some infernal +Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started for the clerk's office, +below, to have some explanation. As John and the officer reached the +rotunda, a gentleman steps up behind John, and gives his nose a +first-rate _lug_. They clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed, +and John and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose puller +discovered he had the wrong man by the nose! + +"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller. + +"Blast you, no!" + +"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't Johns?" says a +man with a bill for the carriage hire. + +"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive, and sharp after the +dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful. My name's John Thomas, from +Lun'un, bound back again in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing +against _me_?" + +Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation ensued, John was +relieved of his embarrassment, and all were finally satisfied, except +John Thomas, who, venting a few bottles of his spleen on every body and +all things--Americans especially--took to his bed and beer, and snorted +for a week. + + + + +The Yankee in a Boarding School. + + +"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went around pedlin' +notions, I met many queer folks; some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy, +they wouldn't let a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and +gates, _bang_ into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a +pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human critters, so pesky +poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a fourpence till it'd squeal like +a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do _swow_, I've met some critters so dog-ratted +mean, that ef you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it +with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls afore +mornin'!" + +"Massy sakes!" responded the squire. + +"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler. + +"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe another 'charge,' +and lighting up for the yarn Absalom Slamm had promised the gals, soon +as the quilt was out and refreshments were handed around. + +"Go on, Ab--let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with the school marm +and her gals." + +"Wall, I _will_, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound and squat; +take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep deth-ly still. Wall; neow, +yeou all sot? Hain't none o' ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess; +wall, no matter, tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at +others, 'taint." + +"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire. + +"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o' yeou ever been +in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter a cent; as I was agoin' to +say, I had hard, hard luck one season--got clean busted all tew smash! +O-o-o! it was _dre-a-a-dful times_; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson +clapped his _we-toe_ on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall, yeou see, +I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died, the sun and rain beat up +my wagon, I sold eout my notions tew a feller that paid me all in +ceounter-fit money, and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to +undiskivered kedn'try. + +"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to dew somethin', +instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber; and as I layed stretched eout +in bed one Sunday morning, in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among +the old stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'! +As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen, I felt my sperrets +raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I beounced, like a pea in a hot +skillet. Deown I goes to Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to +death in her Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her +darn'd ole skin ceould heould in. + +"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou deon't want tew +sell nor nuthin', dew ye?' + +"'_Ab Slamm_,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip joints, and as +the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin' at me, 'right face,' +she spread herself like a clapboard. 'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth +possesses yeou to talk o' tradin' on the Sabbath?' + +"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so 'beout it; I guess +a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin' or breakin' the Sabbath all +tew smash, either! Neow,' says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in +the cockloft, where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou, +and one article I see I want to trade fur.' + +"Wall, we didn't trade _'zactly_. Marm Smith, yeou see, got +dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time--wouldn't let her gals draw ther +breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up in the cellar every Sunday. +Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday, +but she sed I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got the +instrument, _any heow_." + +"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire. + +"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals. + +"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied, rather +choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the gist of his information into +small chunks, and so make it the more _telling_ and comparatively +interesting. + +"When I got the _instrument_, and paid Marm Smith my board bill, I wer +in possession of a cash capital of jest three fo'pences. I took my +jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, cleaned it off, then wrapped +the different sections up in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller +trunk, and dug eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of +everybody I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. My +cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as a flute, and my +old trunk had worn a hole clean through the shoulder o' my best Sunday +coat. I put up, and sez I tew the landlord: + +"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?' + +"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he. + +"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I. + +"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he. + +"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I. + +"'What's 't fur?' sez he. + +"'For the wimen,' sez I. + +"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho' he'd seen a flock +o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?' + +"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming up at the +insin-i-wa-tion. + +"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, _any heow_?' sez he. + +"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up and told him +the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful _instrument_ I had for the +ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I wanted to sheow it before some o' +the female sim-i-nar-ries, and give a lectoor on't. + +"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the spot; three miles +up the road is the great _Jargon Institoot_, 'spressly for young ladies, +wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic, French scollopin', and High-tall-ion +curlycues; dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the +use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries chuck'd in.' + +"'Yeou deon't _say_ so?' sez I. + +"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen me make streaks fur +the Jargon Institoot. + +"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller all starch'd up, +lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the door. I axed if the marm were in. +Then he wanted tew kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm +of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,' sez he. 'You +be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know, mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in +_keards_--never did, nuther!' + +"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown the head marm. It +weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful +pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and +beow'd and cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business to +her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel-- + +"'In furrin pearts?' sez she. + +"'Yes,' sez I--'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. 'It was well +known to the wimen and ladies o' the past gin-i-rations,' sez I. + +"'The an-shants?' sez she. + +"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment +or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed +instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or +treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the +great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up +dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and +put before the people--the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler--so that +every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it--exercise her hands, +strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment, +and so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as well as +or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it +lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music, +it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked +and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed to buy one +of my machines _straight_ fur use of her _Institoot_--each school-gal to +'put in' by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40, +and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer +there; the _puss_ wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with +curiosity to see my wonderful _hand-limberer, arm-strengthener, +chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine!_ When +they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death! +When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started +it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played +'em _old hund'erd_, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she'd +have one made _straight!_ O-o-o! yeou'd a died to seen the excitement +that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my +ortergraff, and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, a +confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o' the Jargon +Institoot, kem in, and the moment she clapped her ole eyes on my +inwention, she roared reight eout, 'O! de _Lud_, ef dar ain't one de ole +Virginny _spinnin' wheels!_' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else +'beout that time! I took with a leaving!" + + + + +A Dreadful State of Excitement. + + +A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful +"heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a different sensation +from that which their "bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The +statement made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse being +actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a roaring and hissing +locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance," which though it did not +exactly _do our knitting_, it came precious near the climax! + +Some years ago, upon what was then considered the "frontier" of +Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a "game leg," in consequence of +a performance of a bullet-headed mule that we were endeavoring to coerce +at the end of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to +which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles from our +"lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary pop, boots, hats, +gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &c., &c., and the post office. +About three times a week, we used to hobble down to this modern ark, to +read the news, see what was going on down in the world, and--pass a few +hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to be a man with +whom we had had a former acquaintance "in other climes." Well, one day, +we dropped down to the store, and found pretty much all the men +folks--and they were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins +being rather scattering--getting ready to go down the river (Missouri) +some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado "stretch hemp." My friend +Captain V----, the storekeeper, was about to go along too, and proposed +that we should mount and accompany him, or--stay and tend store. We +accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling kelter, and +had no taste for performances on the tight rope. Having officiated for +Captain V---- on several former occasions, we had the run of his +"grocery" and _postal_ arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge +of all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and his +friends started, promising a return before sunset. + +One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called for his +newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of hours with us--put +out, and was succeeded by two squalid Indians, with some skins to trade +for corn juice and tobacco; they cleared out, and about two or three P. +M., some _movers_ came along; we had a little dicker with them, and that +closed up the business accounts of the day. + +Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of the post +office--seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!--to the crackers +and cheese, and business being essentially stagnated, we ups and lies +down upon the top of the counter, to take a nap. Captain V----'s store +was a log building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the +woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except the +schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and at that time--"in +coventry." Captain V---- was a bachelor; he boarded--that is, he took +his meals at the nearest house--half a mile back from the wood, and +slept in his store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of +Morpheus, and--slept. It was fine mild weather--September, and, of +course, the door was wide open. How long we slept we were not at all +conscious, but were aroused by a heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake +by the shoulder, and in a rather sepulchral voice says-- + +"How are you?" + +Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited by dreams of +southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and other nightmare affairs, and +as we opened our eyes and caught a glimpse of the double-fisted, +cadaverous fellow standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into +a cold sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark in the +store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky. + +Captain V---- did a considerable trade at his store, and at times had +considerable sums of money laying around. Upon leaving in the morning, +he notified us, in case we should require _change_, to look into the +desk, where he kept a shot bag of silver coin, and--his pistols. + +"How are you?" the words and manner and looks of the man gave us a cold +chill. + +"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same time sliding down +behind the counter. The stranger had a heavy walking stick in his hand, +and a knapsack looking bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the +rough remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled somewhere +where barbers, washer-women and such like civilian delicacies, were more +matters of tradition than fact. + +"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued. + +"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory in our +mind, and no reason to, for night was now closing in, and we were going +through our performances by the slight illumination of the stars, +without any positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder +box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light upon the +lugubrious state of affairs. + +"Do you keep this store?" + +"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he put his bundle down +upon the counter. + +"Who does?" was the next question. + +"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day." + +"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?" + +We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought to ourself, no +doubt you know all that's going on of that sort of business like a book, +and a host of other ideas flashed across our mind, while all the evil +deeds of note transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed +awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system, until the +coon skin cap upon our excited head stood upon about fifteen hairs, with +the strange and overwhelming impression that our time had come! We would +have given the State of Missouri--if it were in our possession, to have +heard Captain V----'s voice, or even have had a fair chance to dash out +at the door, and give the fellow before us a specimen of tall +walking--lame as we were! + +"Ain't you got a _light_? I'd think you'd be a little timid (a _little_ +timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark, too?" said the +fellow, sticking one hand into his coat pocket, and gazing sharply +around the store. Mock heroically says we-- + +"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres', oozing out at our +fingers. + +"These outlaws you've got around here," said he. "They say the man they +hanged to-day was a decent fellow to what some are, who prowl around in +this country!" + +We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us." + +"Do you sleep in this store--live here?" + +"No, sir, we don't," was our answer. + +"Where do you lodge and get your eating?" + +"First house up the road." + +"How far is it?" says he. + +"Half a mile or less." + +"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!" says the fellow. + +Now we were coming to the _tableaux!_ He wanted us to step outside in +order that the business could be done for us, with more haste and +certainty, and we really felt as good as assassinated and hid in the +bushes! It was quite astonishing how our visual organs intensified! We +could see every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost +count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and the keener +and more searching became our observation, the more atrocious and subtle +became the fellow and his purpose. With a firmness that astonished +ourself, we said-- + +"_No, Sir_; if _you_ have business there or elsewhere, you had better +_go!_" and with this determined speech, we walked up to the desk, and +with the air of a "man of business" or the nonchalance of a hero, says +we-- + +"What are you after--have you any business with _us_?" + +"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing this +State,--_wouldn't you like to subscribe for a first-rate map of +Missouri_, OR A NEW EDITION OF JOSEPHUS?" + +We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found a light, and soon +found in the stranger one of the best sort of fellows, a man of +information and morality, and, though he had _looked_ dangerous, he +turned out harmless as a lamb, and we got intimate as brothers before +Captain V---- returned that night. + + + + +Ralph Waldo Emerson. + + +Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted +more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH +WALDO EMERSON. + +Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of +using the old style phrases for illustrating facts, we call travelling +preachers perambulating showmen, and floating politicians, _lecturers_. + +As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively known around these +parts; but whether his lectures come under the head of law, logic, +politics, Scripture, or the show business, is a matter of much +speculation; for our own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the +more we don't know what it's all about. + +Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or expression, +Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety or fame--and many +compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle. They cannot trace exactly any great +affinity between these two great geniuses of the flash literary school. +Carlyle writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always speaks +when he says something; on the contrary, our flighty friend Ralph speaks +vigorously, yet says nothing! Of all men that have ever stood and +delivered in presence of "a reporter," none surely ever led these +indefatigable knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the +verdant and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph Waldo Emerson. +In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed in his art, catches a sentence +of a speaker, and goes on to fill it out upon the most correct +impression of what was intended, or what is implied. But no such +license follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can fathom +his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his finished sentences. +We have known "old stagers," in the newspaporial line, veteran +reporters, so dumbfounded and confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and +his grand and lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their +hat and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt to +"take down" Mr. Emerson. + +If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a donkey heath, +straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in the land of Ophir, +shedding an odor balmy as the gales of Arabia; while with a facility the +wonderful London auctioneer Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a +lime-box, or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the +romance, artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house, or +Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco, surrounded by elfin +bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles. + +Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties of Webster, +Walker, &c., but rushes them out in torrents--rattles them down in +cataracts and avalanches--bewildering, astounding, and incomprehensible. +He hits you upon the left lug of your knowledge box with a metaphor so +unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone--and before it is +recovered, he gives you another _rhapsody_ on t'other side, and as you +try to steady yourself, _bim_ comes another, heavier than the first two, +while a fourth batch of this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over +the eyes, giving you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses, +and before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you--_cobim!_ with a +deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied Anglo Saxon, settling +your hash, and brings you to the ground by the run, as though you were +struck by lightning, or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is death +and an entire _stud_ of pale horses on flowery expressions and +japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those knock-kneed, antique, +or crooked and twisted words we used all of us to puzzle our brains over +in the days of our youth, and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He +has a penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for +mystification, and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and +unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by the clock of +Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of _argumentum ad hominem_ of +Mr. Emerson's--at what? A boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of +the five hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no more +have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation, than they +could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of Thebes, or the sarcophagus of +old King Pharaoh! When Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May +morn--he may talk for five minutes, like a book--we mean a +common-sensed, understandable book; but all of a sudden the fluid will +strike him--up he goes--down he fetches them. He throws a double +somerset backwards over Asia Minor--flip-flaps in Greece--wings +Turkey--and _skeets_ over Iceland; here he slips up with a flower +garden--a torrent of gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country +parson's moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury and +fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his sweet-scented +receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses four seconds; pointing to +vacuum, over the heads of his audience, he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do +you see that?" Of course the audience are not expected to be so +unmannerly as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not give them +time to "go in," for after asking them if they see _that_, he +continues-- + +"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now, then; here--there; see +it! Note it! Watch it!" + +During this time, half of the audience, especially the old women and the +children, look around, fearful of the ceiling falling in, or big bugs +lighting on them. But the pause is for a moment, and anxiety ceases when +they learn it was only a false alarm, only-- + +"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete malformation +of society!" + +You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on. + +"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous amentum of--society! +The mental varioloid of this sublunary hemisphere! One of its worst +feelings or features is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves +sickness, because actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All +cultivated men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But they are +still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of every place. In +Boston you hear and see a few, so in New York; then you may as well die. +Life is very narrow. Bring a few men together, and under the spell of +one calm genius, what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is +the suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be a +charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses his balance, +and puts him among his equals. It is a poor compliment always to talk +with a man upon his _specialty_, as if he were a cheese-mite, and was +therefore strong on Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out +of his molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for those +fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance is worth loss of +geniality. That unhappy man called of genius, is an unfortunate man. +Nature always carries her point despite the means!" + +If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled, knock-kneed logic, or +_au fait_ dexterity in concocting flap-doodle mixtures, you're ahead of +ordinary intellect as far as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin +and bitters, or opium discourses on--delirium tremens! + +In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject in more mystery and +science of language than ever a defunct Egyptian received at the hands +of the mummy manufacturers! In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing +sort of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty years of age, +and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer, he would have been the +horror of jurors and judges; as a lecturer, he is, as near as possible, +what we have described him. + + + + +Humbug. + + +There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than +half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, when we +address a letter to a fellow we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps +don't care a continental cent for him; _dear_ sir! what a humbug +expression! "Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he meets another +_one_, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a disagreeable wet day!" What's +the use of such a humbug expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and +stormy day, every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people +who appear solicitous about your _health_, display a gratuitous amount +of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved than your health; and we +have often wondered why matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when +they meet, and say--"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're out +of _money!_" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet, why not discard +humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you--was blackguarding you all day!" +instead of "Glad to see you--have been _thinking_ of you to-day!" or, +"I'm glad to see you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact +they mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments +_pass_, they say, when _gentlemen_ meet, but, as there are so many +counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may bet high that half the +_compliments_ that _pass_ are--_mere bogus!_ + + + + +Hotel Keeping. + + +Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by +Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great many +people, who stop in a large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after +eating about two meals out of six--walking in quietly and walking out +quietly--no fuss, no feathers, find themselves _taxed_ four or five +dollars! + +We have had occasion to know something of travel and travellers, hotels, +hotel-keepers and their bills, and it _has_ now and then entered our +head that money was or could be made--in the hotel business. We _have_ +stopped in houses where we honestly concluded--we got our money's worth, +and we have again had reason to believe ourselves grossly shaved, in a +"first-class" hotel, at two dollars a day--all hurry-scurry, poked up in +the cock-loft, mid bugs, dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better +than a Dutch tavern in fly time. + +We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool impudence and +clamor had a most mollifying effect upon landlord and his _attaches_, +the tinsel and mere electrotypes passing for real bullion, galvanized +_hums_ by their noise and pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for +the same _price_--than the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer. + +Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself and scores +of others, paying two dollars and a half per diem, got what we could +catch, while Kossuth, and a score of his followers, fared and were +favored like princes of a monarchical realm--"though all _dead heads!_" + +Hotels now-a-days must be _showy_, abounding in tin foil, Dutch metal +and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern improvements"--mere clap-trap, +and as foreign to the solid comforts of solid people, as icebergs to +Norwegians or "east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they +would be quite deserted; men will pay for this _show_, must pay for it, +and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets, life-size mirrors, +ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to kitchen, _draw well_, and those +who indulge in the dance, must pay the piper. + +The fact is, most people understand these things about as well as we do, +and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype of a _few customers_ +which landlords or their clerks and servants now and then meet. The +conductor of one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly +piquant and matter-of-fact picture of _his_ experience, that we _up_ and +copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see some information +and amusement in the subject. + +A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a little tour, +he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or two, and--comes to town. +He's no green horn--O! no, he ain't, he has been around some--he has, +and knows a thing or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the +cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is assailed by +vociferous _whips_ who, in quest of stray dimes, watch the incoming +_trains_ and shout and bawl-- + +"Eh 'up! Tremont House!" + +"Up--_a!_ American House--right away!" + +"Ha! _up!_ Right off for the Revere!" + +"Here's the coach--already for the United States!" + +"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all ready for the +Winthrop House!" + +"Eh 'up, _ha!_ now we are off, for the Pavilion!" + +"Exchange Coffee House--dollar a day, four meals, no extra charge--right +along this way, sir!" + +"Hoo-_ray_, this coach--take you right up, Exchange Hotel!" + +"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up--right off, best +house in town, hot supper waitin'--way for the Adams House!" + +And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend, having heard of +the tall arrangements and great doings of the _American_, he hands +himself over to the coachman, and with a load of others he is rolled +over to that institution, in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took +down" at the idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that +that was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a going to look +small or verdant; so he pays the coachman, grabs his valise, and rushes +into the long colonnaded office; and making his way to the _register_, +slams down his baggage, and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says-- + +"A room!" + +"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks--who may be +officiating. + +"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command. + +"Certainly, sir--please register your name, sir!" + +Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down goes his autograph, +Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H. + +"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he. + +"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel. + +"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy. + +"Certainly, sir!" + +"Eggs, poached, and a--hot roll!" + +"They'll be all ready, sir." + +"How soon?" + +"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen at the same +time. + +"Ah, well--show me my room!" says Captain Fussy. + +The bells are ringing--servants running to and fro, like witches in a +whirlwind; fifty different calls--tastes--orders and fancies, are being +served, but Capt. Fussy is attended to, a servant seizes his valise and +a taper, and in the most winning way, cries-- + +"This way, sir, _right along!_" With a measured tread and the air of a +man who knew what it was all about, the Captain follows the _garcon_ and +mounts one flight of the broad stairs, and is about to ascend another, +when it strikes him that he's not going up to the top of the house, +nohow! + +"Where are you going to take me to--up into the garret?" + +"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the third floor!" + +"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take _me_ up into the third story?" + +"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir," says the +servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering-- + +"Pooty doin's this, taking a _gentleman_ up three of these cussed long +stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will; mus'n't come no gammon +over me; I'm able to pay, and want the worth of my money!" + +The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering along the +halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and Capt. Fussy is +ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with the carpets, +furniture, bedding or something, but as he had never probably seen such +a general arrangement for ease, comfort and convenience--he caved in and +merely gave a deep-toned-- + +"_Ah._ Got better rooms than this, ain't you?" + +"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not many," said the +servant. + +"Well, you may go--but stop--how soon'll my supper be ready?" + +"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir." + +"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a "bull's eye" +watch, with as much flourish as if it was a premium eighteen-_carat +lever_. "Well, call me when you've got supper ready, do you hear?" + +"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong." + +"The gong--what's that? Ain't you got no bells?" + +"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant. + +"_Ah_, well, clear out--but say, I want a fire in here." + +"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman." + +"A fireman? What do I want with _firemen_? Bring in some wood, and, +stranger--start up--a hello! thunder and saw mills, what's all that +racket about--house a-fire?" + +"No, _sir!_" says the grinning servant--"the _gong_--supper's on the +table!" + +"_Ah_, very well; go ahead; where's the room?" + +Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch at the +wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery" and cutlery, +mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A seat is offered him, he dumps +himself down, amazed but determined to look and act like one used to +these affairs, from the hour of his birth! + +"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs--hain't you got 'em?" + +"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs are at hand. + +"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires. + +"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate--hain't you got chocolate?" + +"Oh, yes, sir; there it is." + +"_Ah_, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose slightly up, at +the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak, eggs, chocolate, +and--even the tempting hot rolls--before him. + +Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's fried oysters +on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy frowns and asks for a +lobster salad, which the waiter informs him is never used at supper, in +that hotel. + +Eventually, Capt. Fussy being _crammed_, after an hour's diligent +feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of questions about +people and places, at the _office_; what time trains start and steamers +come, omnibuses here and stages there, all of which he is politely +answered, of course, and he finally goes to his room, rings his bell +every ten minutes, for an hour, and then--goes to bed; next day puts the +servants and clerks over another course, and on the third day--calls for +his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over a _five_, puts on his +gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely dignified and stalks out, big +as two military officers in regimentals! + +"_Ah_," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "_I_ put 'em through--_I +guess I got the worth of my money!_" + +We calculate he did! + + + + +"According to Gunter." + + +Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey +on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of being +icy, and down he came--_kerchug!_ A "young lady" coming along, +fidgetting and finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite _ricochet_, +on seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive attempts to +"riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew his own weakness, and saw +the difficulty with the "young lady;" so making a very determinate +effort to get on his pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice, +and says he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself out of +th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux--"young lady" quick-step, and +Gunter playing all-fours in the _mud!_ + + + + +Quartering upon Friends. + + +City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no +great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may +"let on" to the contrary. + +In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated, +oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to bake, parboil, or give +the "citizens" the yellow fever, then we are very apt to think of plain +Aunt Polly, rough-hewed Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed, +smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural homes, amid +the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods; the cool, silver streams and +murmuring brooks of the glorious country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and +moonshine of fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the +glories and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested the +ruraldom. + +Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly so, to have their +city friends come and see them--not merely pop visits, but bring your +whole family, and stay a month! This they may do, and will do, and can +afford it, as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm, to +_quarter_ a platoon of your friends than to perform the same operation +in the city, where it is apt to give your purse the tick-dollar-owe in +no time. + +It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot summer, that Mrs. +Triangle one morning said to her stewing husband, who was in no wise +troubled with a surplus of the circulating medium-- + +"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children well and quiet +through this dreadful hot weather. We must go into the country. The +Joneses and Pigwigginses and Macwackinses, and--and--everybody has gone +out into the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?" + +"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who just then was deeply +absorbed in a problem as to whether or not, considering the prices of +coal, potatoes, house-rents, leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up +in prison or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question, and to +his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense, Triangle +responded-- + +"Why can't we?" + +"Yes, that's what I'd like to know--why can't _we_?" + +"We _can't_, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord and master. + +Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went on to give Mr. T. a +Caudle lecture half an hour long, winding up with one of those +time-honored perquisites of the female sex--a good cry. + +Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his bake-oven of an +"office," to plan business and smoke his cigar. Triangle came home to +tea, and saw at a glance that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was +to be "compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather would +be his domicile for the balance of the season. Triangle thought it over, +as he nibbled his toast and sipped his hot Souchong. + +"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting himself upon the +"hind legs" of his chair--"business is very dull, the weather is +intolerable, I know you and the children would be much benefitted by a +trip into the country--why can't we go?" + +"Why can't we?--that's what I'd like to know!" was the ready response of +Mrs. T. + +"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place in the country as +ever was, anywhere; he has asked me again and again to come down in the +summer, and bring all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted +to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant." + +Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her temper were +dispersed, and like people "cut out for each other," Triangle and his +wife sat and planned the details of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm. +Frederic Antonio Gustavus was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and +breeches. Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted out in Polka +boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes, with an entire invoice of +handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons, gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little +Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and _the baby_, Henry Rinaldo +Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's pockets, with +any quantity of "fuss and feathers," Mrs. Triangle pronounced the +caravan ready to move. But just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the +maid-of-all-work, who was to accompany them on the expedition as +supervisor of the children, threw up her engagement. + +"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes the counthry, +at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm, wid yez!" + +Here was a go--or rather a "no go!" Triangle had bought tickets for all, +and ordered the carriage at four; it was now three P. M., of a hot, +roasting day. It would be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without +a girl; so poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence +Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity awaiting a +market for their time and labor, Triangle selected a stout, hearty Irish +_blonde_, warranted perfect, capable, kind, honest, and the Lord only +knows how many virtues the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not +swear belong to one of their stock in trade. + +Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish maiden, swinging a +bundle in one hand and a flaring _bandanna_ in the other, following +after her patron with a duck-waddle; and finally the carriage came; all +got in but Triangle, who started on foot to the depot, carrying his +double-barrelled gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced in +believing was a full-blooded _setter_, though the best posted +dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard cur and a +sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and commotion--on the part +of Triangle, about the dog, tickets and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle, +about the children, satchels, her new gown, and the sleepy Irish +girl--they found themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three +hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of Jingo Hall, +where they found the "private conveyance" of the proprietor of Jingo +Hill Farm waiting to carry them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and +bobtail, to Jingo Hall. + +The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk up, stretch his +legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop at the game. But, alas, for +the villanous dog; no sooner had he got loose and scampered off up the +road, than he sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and +away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and poor Triangle +after his dog. + +"Hay! you Ponto--here--hay--Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy, come here, you dog--hi! +hi!--do you hear-r-r?" + +But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he came up with a +lamb, and before Triangle could come to the rescue, Ponto had opened the +campaign by killing sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in +wrath he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence of the +dog, but compromised the matter by hitting him a whack across the back +with the barrels of his shooting-iron; in doing so, he broke off the +stock, clean as a whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle _was_ +mad; that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that his fury so +alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and went--as Triangle +hoped--anywhere, head foremost. + +[Illustration: "With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid +down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful +craturs.'"--_Page_ 169.] + +With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out and disgusted +with things as far as he had got, Triangle reached Jingo Hall, where he +met the warm welcome of his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated +his good humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's +"well-stocked" _wine-cellar_. Ashamed of the facts of the case, Triangle +trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the dog and gun. + +After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the first day or two +passed without anything extraordinary turning up, if we may except the +upturning of several flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But +the third day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one of the +Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish hostler had caught him, +tied him up in the stable, and given him such a dressing that Ponto's +soul-case was nearly beaten out of him! + +The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody rushed out--Mrs. +Triangle in her excitement, lest something had happened to "baby," and +Nora, the girl, struck the centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not +only demolished that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough +thick oil over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to +make a barrel of soft soap. + +The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She had been sauntering +through the garden, and ran against the bee-hives, when a bee up and at +her. With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby" +upon the grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of +course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds, and was +stung in as many places by the pugnacious "divils." Nora was done for. +She went to bed; "baby" was found all right, laughing "fit to break its +yitty hearty party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very +naturally expressed it. + +These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax, when in rushed +Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious apron full of "birds he +killed in the yard, down by the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor +Mrs. Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the country had +been exterminated by the chivalrous young Triangle, and in the bloom of +his heroic act he dropped the dead game at the feet of his +horror-stricken mother, and astonished father, and the Jingos. + +That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter suffocation +manifested itself in a general and alarming cholera-morbus among the +junior Triangles, and the whole house was up in arms. + +In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's chamber. A huge +bat had got into her room, and so alarmed her, that she yelled worse, +louder, and longer than seven evil ones. + +It was a night of horror to the whole family--to everybody in and about +Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl; the children bawled, cried, and took +on; the Irish girl screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and +"lollypops," the de'il to pay and no pitch hot. + +Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not been Sunday, +he would have packed up and put back for the prosy office and stagnated +quietude of the city. But it was Sunday, and after the children, Irish +girl, and dogs had been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the +door, and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles, +rolled off to meeting. + +Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of dressing "the +babies," &c.; and after the service was over, poor Triangle was taken +aside by a tall, bony man, who reported himself in no very ceremonious +manner as the proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one +rare lamb killed--"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft impeachment, +and "compromised" for a V. + +Returned to Jingo Hall, another _coup d'etat_ all around the lot had +broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle had disappeared. The +baby, Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the +grove and dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to +her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans issuing from +Nora's attic, it was not _on-possible_ that she was sick as she could +be. A general search took place for Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while +Maj. Jingo mounted a horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a +doctor for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and--Nora +Dougherty. + +A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor _tried_ Triangle that she was +a case--of small-pox. + +Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the village +Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things looked gloomy enough. +Triangle felt "chawed up," and wished he had been roasted alive in the +city before venturing upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to +perform, and he determined to put it through. + +"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"---- + +"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow--no trouble to us." + +"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major, the fact is, +I--a--you've got a large family"---- + +"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more about it." + +"But to have the--a--the--small-pox"---- + +"What?" gasped the Major--"the--a"---- + +"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle. + +"Small-pox! Who? Where?" + +"Our Irish girl--up stairs--awful!" + +"O, good Lord! Irish--up stairs--small-pox!" reiterated the really +alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall. + +"I wouldn't have"--said Triangle. + +"The small-pox in my house"--echoed Jingo. + +"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately exclaimed +Triangle. + +"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a greater dread of +small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!" + +"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle. + +"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the Major, pacing up +and down, in great _furore_. + +"That's best, Major; go move her, at once." + +"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo. + +"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle. + +"Who? Why, you, of course." + +"Me?" exclaimed Triangle--"me? endanger my life, and the lives of all my +family--me? No, sir, I'll--I'll--I'll be hanged if I do!" + +"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he came trotting up +to the front veranda, where Triangle and Jingo were discussing the +transportation of small-pox-- + +"Blur a' nouns--the dog's loose!" + +"Curse the dog!" said the Major. + +"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!" + +"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle. + +"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror. + +"O, too bad--horrible--wish I'd never seen"---- + +"Get your gun, quick--come on!" cried the Major. + +"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O! that I had shot the +blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!" + +"Come on--never mind--seize a club, fork, or anything, and hunt around +for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of our people, horses, or cattle." +And away ran the Major, with a bit of stick about the size of a +fence-rail. Paddy made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew +around to hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a +summer-house. + +Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had introduced the +small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted away; but, conquering her +weakness, she ordered the carriage, and bundled herself and four +children into it, so full of terror and alarm that she never so much as +said--"Take care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned, after +a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and just as he entered the +hall, the Irish girl came rushing down stairs, crying-- + +"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail, entirely, wid dese pains +in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!" + +One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the girl put the +Major to his _taps_; and stopping but a moment to tell Triangle to make +out the best he could, he left. + +Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles _vamosed_. The poor girl +having recovered from her attack of the bees, which had led to the alarm +of small-pox, looked quite respectable. Never did a party enjoy _home_ +more completely than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy +horror of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors from +the city. + + + + +Jake Hinkle's Failings. + + +In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient +sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob +Hinkle,--commonly called _Old Jake Hinkle_. Jake was, originally, a +Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was about +_as_ Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well make a human "critter." +Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or had squatted on, a small patch of land, just +beyond old Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of the +"Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every thundering fool out +West knows, empties itself into--"Big Paint," which finally rolls out +into the Muskingum, and thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled +the geographical position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state what +kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about that he was pronounced +dead, one cold morning, and how he came up to town and denied the +assertion. + +Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do in the interior +of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved _corn_, but loved corn whiskey more, and +this love, many a time, brought Jake up to "the Court House" of +Washington, through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug, +and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more honored in the breach +than in the observance, perhaps, for grog shops of the village to play +all sorts of fantastic tricks upon old codgers who come up to town, or +down to town, hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the +"critters" stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer. +The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn it loose, +and let it go home. Of course, _that_ horse is not soon seen in the +village again, as a horse with a shored tail is about the meanest thing +to look at, except a singed possum, or a dandy--you ever did see. + +One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came down to the +"Court House," hitched his horse to the Court Square fence, and made a +straight bend for Sanders' "Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's +tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn juice, +could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter into a field of +broom corn. Jake talked and talked, and drank and talked, and about +midnight, the cocks crowing, the stars winking and blinking, and the +wind nipping and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and +others that he was going to shut up the concern, and the crowd must be +"putting out." Jake made a break for his nag, but she was gone. "Why," +says Jake, "she's broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall +walk,"--and off Jake put, through the cold and mud. + +Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along between old Marm +Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle Snake Fork of Paint, the driver +discovered poor old Jake laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor +old Jake! Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake was an +inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that, and certain young +"fellers" who had shaved the tail of Jake's mare the night previous, and +set her loose, now felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the +"Argus of Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning "nip," +heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" Jake's obituary +notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, and then put his paper to +press; that afternoon, the whole edition, of some two hundred copies, +were distributed around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake +Hinkle was pronounced stone dead--_pegged out!_ + +Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud and sweat, came +rushing into Washington. He paused not, nor turned not right or left, +until he found the office of the "Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in, +and confronting the editor, he spluttered forth:-- + +"You der printer of dish paper,--der noosh paper?" + +"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking a little wild. + +"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make me deat?" + +"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor. + +"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he--"You'n tell de people I diet; +_it's a lie!_ And do you neber do it again, and fool de peeples, _witout +you git a written order from me!_" + +That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the funeral before he +recorded an obituary notice. + + + + +What's Going to Happen. + + +In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an +invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fifty years, +copper-plate, steel-plate, lithography, and other fine engravings, will +be multiplied for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now +infantile art of _Daguerreotyping_. A passage to California will then be +accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and electricity; or, +perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian holes, _clean through the +earth!_ The arts of agriculture and horticulture will produce hams ready +roasted, natural pies, baked with all sorts of _cookies_. About that +time, a man may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's +worth at last--for soap fat! + + + + +The Washerwoman's Windfall. + + +Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle +States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the widow of a +lost sea captain; and as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases, +with a family of children to provide for,--the father and husband cut +off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a stone's cast from +indigence,--the mother, to keep grim poverty from famishing her hearth +and desolating her home, took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child, +a boy of some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the largest +hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces of the gentlemen's +apparel, and carried them to his mother. They were done up, and returned +by the lad again. + +It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the poor--travel was +slack, and few and far between were the poor widow's receipts from her +drudgery. + +"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her small fire, +"to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of wood, pound of meal, nor +dollar in the world, to provide food or warmth for my children over +Sunday." + +"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the eldest boy, "that +gentleman who gave me the half dollar for going to the bank for him, +last week,--you know him we washed for at the United States Hotel,--said +he was to be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so I +will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another errand for me, or +some money--he's got so much money in his trunk!" + +"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought of it," said +the poor woman. + +Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, the strange +gentleman had arrived again. He appeared somewhat bothered, but quickly +gathering up some of his soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade +him tell his mother to wash and return them that evening by all means. + +"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son delivered the +message. "My dear child, I have neither fire to dry them, nor money to +procure the necessary fuel." + +"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell the gentleman you +can't dry them in time for him?" + +"No, son. I must wash and dry them--we must have money to-day, or we'll +freeze and starve--I must wash and dry these clothes," said the +disconsolate widow, as she immediately went about the performance, while +her son started to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a +basket of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron the +clothes. + +The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, and the poor +woman began her manipulations. After a time, in handling a vest, the +widow felt a knot of something in the breast pocket. She turned the +pocket, and out fell a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully +unrolled the saturated bunch--she started--stared; the color from her +wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, observing the wild +looks and strange actions of the mother, ran to her, screaming: + +"Dear--dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?" + +"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children--lock the door--lock the door! +no, no, never mind. I a--I a--feel--dizzy!" + +The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in great affright, +but the widow, regaining her composure, told them to sit down and play +with their little toys, and not mind her. The cause of this sudden +emotion was the unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were +very wet--nearly "used up," in fact--but still significant of vast, +astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. She was +amazed--honor and poverty were struggling in her breast. Her poverty +cried out, "You are made up--rich--wash no more--fly!" But then the poor +woman's honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her +hands--triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, and again set about +her washing. + +About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted at the hotel. +The gentleman so anxious that his clothes should be returned that +evening, was no other than a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it +happened, that the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed +a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had the greater +part of the notes exchanged--and, with the exception of the five large +bills hurriedly thrust into the vest pocket, and which he had sent to +the poor laundress, there was little available evidence of the forgery +in his possession. The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's +room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The forger was not +arrested as a principal, but certain barely suspicious circumstances had +led to an investigation of him and his effects. + +"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, as a servant +opened the door to let them in. + +"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger. + +"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish to examine your +person and effects." + +The forger started--his heart beat with the rapidity of galvanic +pulsation--the evidence of part of his villany was, as he supposed, +among his effects. It was a moment of terror to him, but it passed like +a flash, and in a gay and careless tone, he quickly replied: + +"O, very well, gentlemen--go ahead. There are my keys and +baggage--search, and look around. I have no idea what you are +after--probably you'll find." In a low tone, he continued, to himself, +"By heavens, how lucky! that boy has saved me!" + +A considerable amount of money was found upon the forger, but none that +could be identified, and after a long and wearisome private examination +at the police court, he was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and +shortly afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes, +presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying: + +"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your pockets. She thinks +it may be valuable to you, sir, and she is sorry it was wet." + +The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money had been a +serpent the lad was holding towards him. + +"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell her to dry it +carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, when she can +return the little parcel." + +George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon the door-knob; the +man was much agitated, and perceiving the lad lingered, he thrust his +hand into a carpet-bag, and hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he +opened it, and taking thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and +requested him to run home to his mother and deliver the message +immediately. The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman, +the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, patiently awaiting +the return of her boy, and fearing the anger of the gentleman at the +hotel, when he should find his bank notes nearly, if not quite +destroyed, would probably so indispose him towards the child that he +would return empty-handed. But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome +lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to receive him. + +"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?" + +"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. He said you must dry +these papers, and he would call to-night for them. And here, dear +mother, he gave me a large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the +dutiful boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of the +overjoyed mother. They were saved--the golden coin soon made the widow's +domicil cheerful and happy. + +It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called for. They +laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire years, when a friend to the +poor woman negotiated for their exchange into a dwelling-house and small +store. And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and her +family owe their present prosperous and perfectly honorable position in +the respectable society of the city of ----. + + + + +We don't Wonder at It. + + +In the city, we get so many new _kicks_, and put on so many new ways of +living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact +country folks make awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our +conventionalities, and other doings. Dining at the American, last week, +we sat _vis-a-vis_ with an old-fashioned agricultural gent, whose plate +of mock turtle remained cooling for some time, while he was busy +thinking over a silver four-pronged fork in his hand. At length a broad +smile played over his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he +opened-- + +"Well, I'm jiggered!--ha! ha! _they've got to eating soup with split +spoons, too!_" + + + + +Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon. + + +Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient, +they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and +they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of +his youth. A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry +service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After the battle of +Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe, through chicanery--not +valor--defeated the greatest soldier the world ever saw, the British +army was cut down, rank and file--Napoleon having promised to "be a good +boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the _cut offs_, was a troop of +horse, and in this troop was an old veteran Bucephalus, who had stood +and made charges, smelt fire and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets, +and clashed rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,--this +old fellow was turned out to grass--cashiered. When the balance of his +retained companions in saddle were leaving the town where the +dismemberment had taken place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in +a field; the troop passed--the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less +than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences, and in the +front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung to his place in the column +caused--says the historian--the officers and men to shed tears. + +So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire and his horse. Some +years ago, in the interior of Ohio, there did live an old Irish +jintleman, who not only had a fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and +as fine an old black mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down +upon. "Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful "critter;" she +opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump handle by her teeth, and +actually extracted water from the barn-yard well, with all the facility +of a regular double-fisted _genus homo_. As a sly old joker, she had +performed various tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking +calves, catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces of +them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned cattle. But to +the eccentric habits and bacchanalian customs of her ex-military master, +the old mare's dormant talents owed their "fetching out." + +Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself and honor to the +State, in her early struggles against the Indians and French Canadians. +"Bonny Doon" was then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most +beautiful, as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some +twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and the mare +were about, every-day cronies, for the old man no more thought of +walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than a South Carolina dandy would +dream of the possibility of getting a glass of water without the +immediate assistance of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become +possessed of wealth as well as years--was likewise the progenitor of a +large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men and women in the +State, and having gotten all things in this pleasant kind of train, he +"laid off" in perfect lavender. The old captain's farm was about four +miles from the large and flourishing town of Z----, and here the captain +spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in the morning, and +hitching her to the sign-post, the poor beast would stand there--unless +taken in by the ostler or others--until midnight, while the captain +swigged whiskey, and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's" +affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently until he +came--her mane and long tail would then switch about, while she'd +"snigger eout" with gladness at his coming, and carry the old man +through rain or snow, moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy +railroads, bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over +the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam, while the waters +on each side foamed and roared like a mountain torrent, and while the +old man was either asleep or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was +about as difficult to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or +Turk's Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid taxes or +trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain Maguire; but when he +was "up the tree," a little sprung, or _tight_, as you may say, he was +ugly enough, and chock full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain +was summoned to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his evidence +was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for whom the old man +entertained a most lively disgust and very unchristianly hate. The old +man, finding that he must go, went. He wet his whistle several times +before starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached the +Court House, and about the time he supposed he was wanted, he mounted +"Bonny Doon," and started, full chisel, up the steps, through the entry, +and into the crowded Court room, just in the nick of time. + +"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert----" + +"Be the help o' Moses, _I'm here!_" roared the captain, in response to +the crier. + +And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he sat, stiff, and +formal as a bronze statue of some renowned military chieftain, on a +pot-metal war steed. Some laughed, others stepped out of the way of the +mare's heels, judge and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law +practice looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain and his +black charger for quite a different individual! It was some time before +order and decorum were restored, as it was much easier for the judge to +_order_ Captain Maguire to be arrested for his freak, than to do it, +"Bonny Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her head or +heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt of court, and +fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped the disagreeable attitude of +sustaining the suit of an enemy. At another time, the captain, being on +a _time_, dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and slap +bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship rather alarmed +the whole congregation, and cost the captain five twenties! Riding into +bar rooms and stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and her +master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare up two entire +flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing into a room where "a +native" was shivering in bed with the fever and ague; but the noise and +sudden appearance of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a +permanent and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the +sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean out of his +emaciated body. + +After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth +'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they parted! "Bonny Doon" +being about the only living spectator of her master's end. This tragic +denouement came about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men, +and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion, expose +themselves to the pitiless storm. The old captain had been in town all +day, with "Bonny Doon" hitched to the horse block, and being full of +"distempering draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious +bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening he mounted +his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home. + +"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend. + +"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested the landlord. + +"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for a seat in +Congress!" rejoined the first speaker. + +"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And--and no wonder ye wouldn't, fer +not a divil iv ye's iver had the horse as could carry ye's over me road +th' night. Look at that! There's the baste can do it!--d'ye see that?" +and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels of his +heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly stood erect, and +chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as though just from her oats and +warm stable, and fifteen years kicked off. + +"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that can thravel up a +frozen mountain, slide down a greased rainbow, and carry ould Captain +Maguire where the very ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty +ould body. Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!" + +And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never reached the threshold +of his domicil.--Next morning Captain Maguire was found in the mill-dam, +entirely dead, with poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able +to walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood, upon the narrow +icy way over the dam, and from appearances of the snow and planks of the +little bridge, the faithful mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by +various means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe was +evident; the old man had become sleepy, and frozen, and while the poor +mare was feeling her way over the icy and snow-covered bridge, her +master had slipped off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have +dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was, she stood a +faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did not survive him +long,--the cold and her evident sorrow ended the eventful life of "Bonny +Doon." + + + + +Getting into the "Right Pew." + + +New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the +United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing, +shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the +South, the week beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day, +is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have one grand and +extensive _saturnalia_, visit their friends and relations, make love to +the "gals" on neighboring plantations, spend the little change saved +through the year, or now and then given to them by indulgent or generous +masters, and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays in New +Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is _a time_, and no mistake. The +old French and Spanish families keep open house--dinners and suppers, +music, song and dance. On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of +their friends with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for +this purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed a +novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about the tombs of the +departed. In most of the South-Western towns, the day is given up to fun +and frolic. The Philadelphians have a great blow out. The streets are +filled by holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint +sticks"--making the air resound with tin trumpets and penny whistles. +The men and boys used to load up every thing in the shape of cannons, +guns, pistols and hollow keys, and bang away from sunset until sunrise, +keeping up a racket, din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a +citadel. The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men kill +the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending the amusements, +the multitude of rowdies passing their time in concocting and carrying +on street fights and running with the engines. + +But the New Yorkers _bang_ the whole of them; bear witness, O ye New +Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting your friends, and your +friends' friends. Open houses every where! "Drop in and take a glass of +wine or bit of cake, if nothing else"--that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers +flourish, marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their caps +for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full of confusion, the +theatres and show-shops generally reap an elegant harvest, and the +police reports of the second morning of the New Year swell monstrously! +Of a New Year's adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I +have a little story to tell. + +Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New York, by the +fascinating grace and _cap_-tivating head-gear of a certain young widow, +who had a fine estate. Jeff. was what you might call a good boy; he had +never seen much of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his +birth-place) and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale. He was a +clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement, kept "a set of books" +for a mercantile firm in Maiden Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and +in all general respects, was--a nice young man. He went with a friend on +a tour--New Year's day, to make calls. After a number of glasses and +chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful, he found himself in the +presence of a charming widow, and some two months afterwards, himself +and the widow, a parson and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff. +Jones, aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in the +snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became Mrs. Jeff. Jones, +thereafter. + +Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the venerable +saying--all is not gold that glitters. The charming widow was seriously +inclined to wear the inexpressibles; and poor Jeff., being of such a +gentlemanly, good and easy disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his +reserved rights. However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no +better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around and see the +elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion to see what was +going on after that interesting ceremony. In short, Jeff. got to going +out of nights--kept "bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at +first, but which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not mind +his Ps. and Qs. + +The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the widow was +coming around. It was New Year's day in the morn; it brought rather +sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind, on the head of which he thought +he'd as soon as not--_get tight!_ This notion was pleasing, and dressing +himself in his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to +call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and bring some +friends with him! + +"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do, that's all!" +and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss Juliet's to Mr. +Romeo--she _spoke_, and she said something. + +However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if Jeff. Jones did +not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and did the honors of the table with +rare good grace, but where was Jones? + +"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings cold, and +company preparing to leave; then he'll catch a lecturing." + +But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones--for dinner passed and +tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began to get snappish, and by +ten o'clock she had bitten all the ends from her taper fingers, besides +dreadfully scolding the servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally +retired--the clock had struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J. +was worried out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up again, +Jones might have met with some dreadful accident! She had not thought of +that before! Perhaps at that very hour he was in the bottom of the +Hudson, or in the deep cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones +dressed--the house was as still as a church-yard--she put on an old +hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down stairs; and by +a passage out through the back area into a rear street. Mrs. Jones at the +dead hour of night determined to seek some information of her husband. +She had not gotten over a block, or block and a half from her mansion, +when she spies two men coming along--wing and wing, merry as grigs, +reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes: + + "A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope-- + He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope! + _O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear--cracky!_ + A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills-- + He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills! + _O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear--cracky!"_ + +In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly approaching +her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway of a store; the revellers +parted at the corner of the street, after many asseverations of eternal +friendship, much noise and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering +towards Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and +darted past the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the fellow made +tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could travel, and that ain't +slow; for almost any man inside of sixty can run, like blazes, when he +is scarce able to stand upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks +in his beaver. Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she could +reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just as she was about to +give an awful scream, wake up all the neighbors and police ten miles +around, she saw--_Jones!_ Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband! + +It was a moment of awful import--the widow was equal to the crisis, +however, and governed herself accordingly; proving the truth of some +dead and gone philosopher who has left it in black and white, that the +widows are always more than a _match_ for any man in Christendom! + +Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a near kin to +total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones had not the remotest idea +of where he was--time or persons; his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas +monstrous foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered, +were highly spiced with--"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you (hic) +live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home with you, eh? +My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise old scratch if I (hic), I +went home to-to-night. (Hic) I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning, +and (hic) tell her, ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a +fire!" + +"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be revenged. Come, +sir, go home with me--I'll take care of you. Come, sir, be careful; this +way--in here." + +"Where the (hic) deuce are--are you going down this (hic) cellar, eh?" + +"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on my arm--there, +shut the door." + +"Why (hic), ha-hang it a--all; get a light--that's a de--ar!" + +"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light." + +Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the dark, and retired +to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants, hearing a noise in the +basement, got up, stuck their noses out of their rooms, and being +convinced that a desperate scoundrel was in the house, raised the very +old boy. Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans, and +chairs, and through him and the servants, the police were alarmed! +lights were raised, and Jones was arrested for a burglar! + +Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his own domicil, than +Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen and servants; it was a +mysterious matter to Jones for a full fortnight--but upon promise of +ever after spending his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of +the bag. Jones surrendered! + + + + +A Circuitous Route. + + +We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the +compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into +smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a +most mysterious manner, with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and +_hocus pocus_, says he-- + +"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you--(two winks;) the fact of the +business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,) I've wanted to see you, +badly; you see, I-a--well, what I-a (two winks)--was about to remark +(two nods and a short cough),--that is to say, it don't make much +matter, if-a--(wink, wink, wink;) you see it was in this way, +I-a--wanted to--a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've +been--not, to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and +forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a--the fact is--" + +"Well, what in thunder and rosin is _the fact_, old boy?" says we. + +"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a--I don't know why +I--shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) _have you got two shillings you won't +want to use to-day_?" + +We hadn't! + + + + +Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga. + + +"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a +jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs. +Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs. +Bamberry ever tell you of _my_ tour to Saratogy Springs?--last summer +was two years." + +"No," said several of us _neuter genders_ who had repeatedly heard all +about it, but were desirous that those who had not been thus gratified, +especially the ladies, and particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was +_dieting_ for a tour to the famed Springs--"tell us all about it, +Major." + +"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, "then, by the +banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. You see, last summer was two +years, I came to the conclusion, that I'd stop off business, altogether, +brush up a little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. A +friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to Saratogy, with his +wife and sister--a plaguy nice young woman, the sister was, too; well, I +don't know how it was, exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my +head, especially as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like to +go up to Saratogy--that I'd go, and I went. It was odd enough, to be +sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of rappee from his tortoise-shell +box--"very odd, in fact, but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in +poor health, and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young +woman, you may say--" + +"So that you had to _beau_ her along the way, Uncle Joe?" says several +of the company. + +"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or +other, I-a--I-a--" + +"Out with it, Uncle Joe--own up; you cottoned to the young lady, gallant +as possible, eh?" says the gents. + +"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I assure you, +gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the slightest terms of intimacy +with a young--" + +"And beautiful!" echoed the company. + +"Unexperienced," continued the Major. + +"And unprotected," says the chorus. + +"Volatile," added the Major. + +"And marriageable young lady, like Miss--" + +"Miss Catchem," said the Major. + +"Catchem!" cried the gents. + +"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of a very respectable +widow," continued the Major. + +"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested in Uncle +Joe's journey to Saratoga, and--but we won't anticipate. + +"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, was a--but no +matter, they were of good family, and a--" + +"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; go on with +your story; you paid attention to Miss Catchem; you grew familiar--you +became mutually pleased with each other, and you finally--well, tell us +how it all came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried. + +"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story--altogether! Miss +Catchem and I never spoke a word to each other in our lives," said the +Major. + +"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party. + +"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact." + +"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies. + +"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe responds. "The +fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the week Padlock spoke to me of +going to Saratogy, and he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of +a few weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow or +other, I thought it was all for the best; things might have turned out +that I should have got tangled up with that girl, and a--" + +"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, Uncle Joe!" said the +young ladies. + +"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might have been so, but +it turned out just as I have stated." + +"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; "go on; how +about Saratoga?" + +"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, "I will. You +see Padlock didn't _go_, it was very odd; but somehow or other, I made +up my mind to _go_, and I went. I calculated to be gone three or four +weeks, and I concluded for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my +purse, if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three dollars or +so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a good round sum, I +assure you, to fritter away; but, by banks of Brandywine, I was +determined to _do_ it, and I did. It was very odd, but the first person +I met at New York was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to +see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in business--had a +large family--poor--in distress. It was very odd, but somehow or other, +we dined at the hotel together--had a bottle of Madeira, and I a--well, +I loaned--yes, by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow a twenty +dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy Merrifellow, we +never met again; he--he died soon after, in distress, his family broke +up--scattered; it was very odd; poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe +again had recourse to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner +of his full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with his +_pongee_, the Major continued: + +"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished to find that a +couple of bottles of good wine, two extra meals, and something over one +day's board, figured up the round sum of ten dollars. I was three days +out, so far, and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended +for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, thinks Major, my boy, +this won't do; you must economize, or you shall be short of your +reckonings before you are a week out of port. That morning at the +steam-boat wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he looked +in deep distress about something. It was very odd, I don't know how it +was, but somehow or other, he came up to me and asked if I was going up +the river, and I very civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me +he was a stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, was +in great distress--had nothing but a valuable watch--a present from his +deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a great deal more. He begged me +to buy the watch, when I refused at first, but finally he so importuned +me, and offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value +that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I might in part, +indemnify my previous extravagance by this little bit of a trade. It was +very odd; I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival +at Saratogy, I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that would blow +it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a scoundrel! Here I was, four days +from home, and my whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage +that took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable +youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in her arms; we had not +rode far before I found the other passengers, all gentlemen, apparently +much annoyed by the child; for my part I sympathized with the poor +woman, got into a conversation with her--learned she was on her way to +Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged there as a builder. Upon +arriving at Saratogy, the young woman requested me to hold her child--it +was fast asleep--until she stepped over to a new building to inquire +about her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw her from +that to this!" + +A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed this _tableau_ in +Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, and the Major proceeded: + +"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or other I +was left with the child, and a plaguy time had I of it; the town +authorities refused to take charge of it, nobody else would; so by +Brandywine, there I was; the people seemed to be suspicious of +me--sniggered and went on as though I knew more about the woman and her +child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, and provide +for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically. + +"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; "that boy may pay you +yet--pay you for all your trouble; he's growing nicely, and will make a +fine man." + +"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several. + +"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse and had the +youngster taken care of. The hotels were crowded, very uncomfortable, +rooms wretched, small, damp, and dirty. The landlords were quite +independent, and the servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets +I ever encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others--bribed a +waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they had what they called +'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking the whole house, and raising +such a noise and hullabaloo, with cracked horns, squeaky +fiddles--bawling and yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be +half so disturbant of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got enough of +such _folderols_; at the end of the week I asked for my bill, augmented +by some few sundries--it made my hair stand up. Now what do you suppose +my bill was, for one week, board, lodging, servants' _bribes_ and +sundries? I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess +it--it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my _protege_, bag and +baggage, and started for home. I was absent on this memorable tour to +Saratogy just two weeks, and by banks of Brandywine, if the expense of +that tour--not including the time _wasted_, vexation, bother, +mortification of feelings, fuss, and rumpus--was but a fraction less +than three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated trip, +lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more humbug about it than I +ever dreamed of!" + +Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, that it cost Uncle +Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than it came to, and they all +concluded--not to go there themselves, just then--any how! + + + + +Old Jack Ringbolt + + +Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she +was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and +tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had +sailed over many and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and +chimneys, with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite visible. +He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she finally was frozen +into! + +"And did you see that--Lot's wife?" asked the old lady. + +"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now--the cattle got afoul of the pillar of +salt one day, and licked it all up!" + +"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!" + +"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away." + +"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been around so, I'd think +you would want to settle down, and take a wife!" + + + + +Who Killed Capt. Walker? + + +Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so mixed up and indefinite +as that relative to the taking of Huamantla, and the death of that noble +and chivalric officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of +Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the "Secondary Combats of +the Mexican War," we observe that he has given an account of the +engagement at Huamantla, and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's +account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in the main +correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly erroneous in the +grand _denouement_, in which our gallant friend--whose manly countenance +even now stares us in the face, as if in life he "yet lived"--yielded up +the balance of power on earth. + +We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest surely, in coming +at the facts; and no time seems so proper as the present--several of the +chivalric gentlemen of that day and occasion, being now around us--to +give the story its veritable exhibition of true interest. + +Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of the truest possible +heroism and gallantry. He entered upon the campaign with all the ardor +and enterprise of a soldier devoted to the best interests of his +country. He commanded a company of mounted men, whose bravery was only +equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness has been +unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of the world. We shall skip over +the thousand and one incidents of the line of action in which Walker, +Lewis, and their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come +at the sanguinary and truly thrilling _denouement_. + +Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his troops at Vera +Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla, where it was understood +that Col. Childs required reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of +October, and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote, Lane +learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his muscle, and give +the advancing columns jessy at the pass of Pinal, and there was every +prospect of a very tight time. Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote; +the men were anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop +obtained permission to join the General with four companies of the +Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery of the 3d Artillery, under +command of Capt. Taylor, with Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and +Lewis, of the Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some +2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching Tamaris, Lane heard +that the old fox was off--Santa Anna had gone to Huamantla. Lane +determined to hunt him up with haste. The main force was left at +Tamaris. Troops were forwarded--advanced by Walker's Rangers and Lewis's +Cavalry--who approached to within sight, or nearly so, of Huamantla. The +orders to Walker were to advance to the town, and if the Mexicans were +in force, to wait for the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated +about 200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the Mexican +Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town, and the brave Walker +ordered a pursuit. + +Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker, says his gallant +comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the captor of the wily old chief. +The fair prospect of accomplishing the deed so excited Walker, that +danger and death were alike secondary considerations, and so the command +charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge, but with +terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry dashed in among them, +cutting them down right and left, and soon sent them flying in all +directions! It was at this moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the +most heroic acts of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any +act of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous negro, a fine, +manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to Capt. Walker, with whom he was +brought up--boys together--being mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre, +dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached body of +lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing himself between three +poised lances and the person of Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who +would have been most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in +his saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow +"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle! Two lancers +pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead! + +Charging up to the Plaza--the Mexicans flying--Capt. Walker dismounted, +with some thirty of his men, and advanced up a flight of steps to force +an entrance into a church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was +hid away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers, who, very +injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town. + +Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard attached to a +temporary garrison, in which were some sixty horses, equipped ready for +immediate use, and which the Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape, +left behind them! The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the +Mexicans, being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis left several +of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey," the noted pugilist, a +volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company, to guard the horses, while he rode +forward to the convent. + +"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only useless, but bad +policy, to allow that firing by the men, around the town." + +Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease, and being apprized +of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the horses, &c., ordered him to bring up +his command. Capt. Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and +Capt. Walker cried out-- + +"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who fires against my +orders!" + +At that moment three guns were fired from the convent--and +simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street, from a party of +Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis faced about just in time to see +Capt. Walker drop down upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically +expresses it,-- + +"Like a lump of lead, sir!" + +The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis ordered the fallen, +gallant Walker, to be placed upon the steps close to the wall. A shot +from the piece alluded to striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered +the doors to be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was done. +The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of lancers poured into the +town, rushing down upon the Americans from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had +wheeled about to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others +leading out "the pick" of the captured horses. + +"Drop--drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!" + +They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the enemy in gallant +style; and though there were ten, aye, twenty to one, possibly, he drove +them back! To quote our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the +Louisiana Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve the guns +(captured), and held his position fairly, until assistance arrived." + +One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the Rangers and +Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and wounded. They were engaged +nearly an hour, and the bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their +men, was worthy of general admiration, and all honor. + +Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder, passed over his +heart, and came out in his right vest pocket! + +Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable war parties, +of its numbers, known to history. Walker was a humane, impulsive man; a +warm friend, a brave, gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to +Capt. Lewis--to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and that the +chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt. Walker, and his heroic +"boy" Dave, who fell unknown to his master, were buried together in the +earth they so lately stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men +that were men! + + + + +Practical Philosophy + + +Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days +since, upon a religious _pint_. Jack argued the matter upon a _specie_ +basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal +division of labor and money--all over the world. + +"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men _should_ share equal +with the poor--their imprudence would soon throw all the wealth into our +hands again!" + +"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have to--_share all around +again!_" + + + + +Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl. + + +Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is +stolen, not know it, _and he's not robbed at all!_" Now this fact often +becomes very apparent, especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,--a +lady of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same who sent +Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of perfume to mix in her +_suds_, while washing the pyramids of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There +never was a lady--no member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from +dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of other people, +than Mrs. Pompaliner. + +"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting maids, for Mrs. +Pompaliner kept three, alternating them upon the principle of varying +her handkerchiefs, gloves and linen, as they--in her double-distilled +refined idea of things, became soiled by use, from time to time. +"Olivia, come here--Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon +odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought +sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named them up to the +fanciful standard of her own. + +"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid thing away. +I believe my soul somebody has touched it after it was ironed. Do take +it away," and the poor victim of concentrated, double extract of human +extravagance, almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a fit of +abhorrence at the idea of her _mouchoir_ being touched, tossed, or +opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers in her highly-perfumed +_boudoir_. + +"Olivia!" + +"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome looking +maid. + +"Olivia, put on your gloves." + +"Yes'm." + +"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says--"tell her to come here this +very day." + +"Yes'm." + +"Olivia!" + +"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman. + +"Got your gloves on?" + +"Yes'm." + +"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my +_papier mache_ black bureau, you will find a case of handkerchiefs." + +"Yes'm." + +"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the drawer, close the +boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs upon my rosewood tray. Do +you comprehend, Olivia?" + +"Yes'm," said the girl. + +"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror! such gloves! touch my +handkerchiefs or bureau drawers with those horrid gloves! Poison me!" +cries the terrified woman. + +"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause, from overtasked +nature! + +"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled _blonde_ replies. + +"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a fresh servant, +retire." + +"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?" + +"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers. + +"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my boudoir, in the fifth +drawer of my black _papier mache_ bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear. + +"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your gloves are clean--now +run along, dear, for I'm suffering for a fresh, new, and untouched +handkerchief. + +"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's, my laundress--say +that I wish her to come here, immediately." + +"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins for the domicil of +democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress. + +"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman. + +"Dunno, missus wants to see you--guess you better come," says Vanilla. + +"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I wouldn't railly put +up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her +mind and body, and so good about paying for her work. No, I declare I +wouldn't," said the strong-minded woman. + +"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one of her fresh +attendants announced the washerwoman. + +"Ah, you are here?" + +"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward, Mrs. Brown, as +she stood in the august presence of Mrs. Pompaliner, and the gorgeous +trappings of her own private drawing-room. + +"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat. + +"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here." + +"Yes'm." + +"Now Mrs. a--what is your name?" + +"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I--" + +"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a--Brown," said the reclining Mrs. +Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody is permitted to touch or handle +any of my wardrobe, my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc., +in your house?" + +"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of course we've got to +tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed and put in your baskets, ma'am?" + +"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a--Brown--O dear! dear! I am afraid you +have ruined all my clothes!" + +"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a fresh and lively +lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water. + +"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week as well as I +ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could do 'em on this mighty yeath +(earth), ma'am!" + +"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the poor, faint Mrs. +Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry me; answer me and go." + +"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous toss of her +bullet head. + +"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.--a--" + +"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let anybody know it!" +responded the spunky laundress. + +The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned the current of +affairs. + +"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?" + +"Yes'm." + +"Then go to my _boudoir_, open the rose-wood clothes case, bring down +the skirts, a dozen or two of the _mouchoirs_, the laces and hose." + +The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous paper box, laden +with the articles required. + +"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at those articles; don't +you see that they have been touched?" + +"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed, folded and +brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?" + +"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring me a fresh +handkerchief, ignite a _pastile_, there's such an odor in the room. Do +you _smell_, Mrs. a--Brown, that horrid lavender or rose, or, or,--do +you smell it, Brown?" + +"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I ollers smell a +dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o' yourn, I often tell my Augusty, +I wonder them stinkin'--" + +"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into a spell;" +recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to state that for some +time past, she had been troubled with _a presentiment_, that her fine +clothes had been tampered with after leaving the smoothing iron, and how +fatal to her would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the +remotest manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of hers! +Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the parties were now +diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not unlike a slight smear of +vermilion, was discovered upon a splendid handkerchief--it gave Mrs. P. +an electric shock; but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a +_spangle_, big as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts! +This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile lavender and +worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner +into spasms, between the motions of which she gasped: + +"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?" + +"Yes, I have." + +"How old is she?" + +"About seventeen, ma'am." + +"And she a--?" + +"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!" + +The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P. had not only +been _touched_ by sacrilegious hands, but had had an airing, and smelt +the lamps of the play-house! Mrs. Pompaliner was so shocked, that four +first-class physicians tended her for a whole season. + +Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped her +ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in the finery of her +most possibly particular and sensitive customer! It was awful! + + + + +Legal Advice. + + +Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and +being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no _difference_ +worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in +debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known some, who, +though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook in their very +boots--wilted right down, before the frown of a creditor! A man that can +_dun_ to death, or stand a deadly _dun_, possesses talents no Christian +need envy; for, next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler" +and professional _dun_, for every ignoble trait in the character of +mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed us of some facts so +mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,) that we jot them down for the +amusement and information of suffering mankind and the rest of creation, +who now and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and law. And +perhaps it may be as well to let the _indefatigable_ tell his own story: + +"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew I was dead set +against _crediting_ anybody, he would insist, and did--get into my +books. I let it run along until the amount reached sixty dollars, and +Cutaway, instead of stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper! +Getting in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day he came +in when I was out; he and his wife look around, and, by George! they +select a handsome tea-set, worth twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends +it home. + +"'Tell him to _charge it!_' says Cutaway, to the boy who took the china +home; and I did charge it. + +"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway was a +confirmed _diddler_; he got all he wanted, when and where he could, upon +the 'charge it' principle, and had become so callous to duns, that his +moral compunctions were as tough as sole leather--bullet-proof. + +"I was vexed, I was _mad_, I determined to break one of my 'fixed +principles,' and _go to law_; have my money, goods, or a row! I goes to +a lawyer, states my case, gave him a fee and told him to go to work. + +"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step up to Van +Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage; and he attended. A +few days afterwards I dropped in. + +"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly. + +"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I. + +"'O, he acknowledges the _debt_, says he thinks you are rather hurrying +up the biscuits, and thinks you might have sent the bill to him instead +of giving it to me for collection,' says the lawyer. + +"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;--sent my clerk +until he got ashamed of going, and my boy went so often that his boots +got into such a way of _going_ to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change +them with his brother, _when he was going anywhere else!_' + +"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van. + +"'He _is_,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home _diddler_ in +town.' + +"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the debt, says he's +rather straightened just now, but if you'll give him a little more +_time_, he'll fork up every cent; so if I were you, I'd wait a little +and see.' + +"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager for law than a +lawyer, so I waited--three months. At the end of that time, early one +Saturday morning, in came Cutaway. 'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to +_fork_ now, at last; it's well you come, for I'd been _down_ on you on +Monday, bright and early!'" + +"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed. + +"O, bless you, _no_. I said _that_ to _myself_, but I met _him_ with a +smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in my excitement at the +prospect of receiving the $80, which I then wanted the worst kind, I +shook hands with him, asked how his family was, and got as familiar and +jocular with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had in the +world! Well, now what do you suppose was the result of that interview +with Cutaway?" + +"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we suppose," was +our response. + +"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he asked me to credit +him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen cut goblets and glasses, and a +pair of decanters; he expected some friends from New York that evening, +was going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the guests, +in consideration of former favors rendered by him, was pledged--being a +man of wealth--to loan him enough funds to pay his debts, and take up a +mortgage on his residence." + +"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into the street?" said +we. + +"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the goods, and he took +them home with him, swearing by all that was good and bad, he would +settle with me early the following Monday morning. I saw no more of +_him_ for two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me. The bill +was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem I'd have my money out of +Cutaway, or I'd advertise him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel." + +"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van. + +"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his life, in the open +street!' said I, in a heat. + +"'You might _rue_ that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for an assault, and +give you trouble and expense.' + +"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?--the _law_ being _made_ for the +benefit of such villains!' + +"'We will arrest him,' said Van. + +"'Well, then what?' said I. + +"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have the money, attach +his property, goods or chattels, or clap him in jail, sir!' said Van +Nickem, with an air of determination. + +"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail, I confess, was +dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to go it, give the rascal jessy, +and Van did; but after three weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went +to jail, swore out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had been +through that sort of process so often that, like the old woman's skinned +eels, he was used to it, and rather liked the sensation than otherwise! +Well, saddled with the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at, +you may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks." + +"So you lost the $100--got whipped, eh?" we remarked. + +"No, _sir_," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I got old +Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith of the +transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved about half the +community with whom he _had_ any transactions,--got his affairs all +fixed smooth and quiet, and with his family was off for California. I +got wind of it,--Van Nickem and I had a conference. + +"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he sails, where the +vessel is, &c.; lay back until a few hours before the vessel is to cut +loose, then go down, get the fellow ashore if you can, talk to him, soft +soap him, ask him if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &c., and +so on, and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel, knock +him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer ready to arrest both of +you for breach of the peace; when you are brought up, I'll have a +_charge_ made out against Cutaway for something or other, and if he +don't fork out and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice +to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken up and fined, and +Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but little and get off. But Van and +the _writ_ appeared. Cutaway looked streaked--he was alarmed. In two +hours' time he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars +costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white man you ever +saw!" + +If Mr. Cutaway don't take the _force_ of that moral, _salt_ won't save +him. + + + + +Wonders of the Day. + + +The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by not allowing their +clerks and book-keepers to dot their i's or cross their t's, are now +bargaining (with the old school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a +fourpence, in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a +two-pronged pen, which cuts short business letters and printed +bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the paper, two +lines at a time. Great improvement on the old method, ain't it? + + + + +"Don't Know You, Sir!" + + +We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we _knew_ +so great an every-day _Plato_ as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel +never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure +you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty good +wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a man of genius, +would pass to oblivion--be washed out in Lethe's waters. We remember +hearing Col. Crockett relate, during a "speech," a short time before he +lost his life at the _Alamo_, in Texas--a little incident, of his being +taken up in New Orleans, one night, by a _gen d'arme_--lugged to the +calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard case," not being able +to find any body, hardly, that knew him, and being totally unable to +reconcile the chief of police to the fact that he _was_ the identical +Davy Crockett, or any body else, above par! "If you want to find out +your 'level,'--_ad valorem_, wake up some morning, noon or night--_where +nobody knows you!_" said the Colonel, "and if you ever feel so +essentially chawed up, _raw_, as I did in the calaboose, the Lord pity +you!" + +There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's "wise saw," in the +case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire, who was in the habit of +_carting_ himself out, in a very ancient and excessively shabby gig; +which, in consequence of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush, +sponge or broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered +the hens--was not exactly the kind of _equipage_ calculated to win +attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver. The old +millionaire, one day in early October, took it into his head to ride +out and see the country. Taking an early start, the old gentleman, and +his old bob-tailed, frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old +shabby gig, about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a +Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading. As nobody +bestirred themselves to see to the traveller, he put his very +old-fashioned face and wig outside of the vehicle, and called-- + +"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?" + +Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced towards +the queer and questionable travelling equipage. + +"Vel, vot you vont, ah?" + +"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze stab'l, viz two +pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair." + +"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded to unhitch +old bald-face from his rigging. + +"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very mosh like to +rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too." + +"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!" + +"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal say, sair, if you +pleaze." + +The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old brute to the +stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders of the traveller, he +sought the landlord, to know if it would _pay_ to put up the shabby +concern, and treat the old horse to a real feed of hay and oats, without +making some inquiries into the financial situation of the old Frenchman. + +The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring farmer, were at +the _Bar_, one of those old-fashioned _slatted_ coops, in a corner, +peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the merits of a law suit, seizure +of the property, &c., of a deceased tiller of the soil, in the vicinity. +Busily chatting, and quaffing their _toddy_, the entrance of the poor +old traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself of +his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in the room. The +hostler having reappeared, and talked a little Dutch to the host, that +worthy turned to the traveller-- + +"Good even'ns, thravel'r!" + +"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little." + +"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord. + +"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to eat--plenty +hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair." + +"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der oats, and der +hay, and der water;" and, with this brief direction to his subordinate, +the landlord turned away from the way-worn traveller to resume his +conversation with his more, apparently, influential friends. The old +Frenchman very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and +the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized of the fact +that travellers had stomachs, and that of the old French gentleman was +highly _incensed_ by long delay, and more particularly by the odorous +fumes of roast fowls, ham and eggs, &c., issuing from the inner portion +of the tavern. + +"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he. + +"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den somesing will be +prepared for you." + +"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not vait for ze +shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly--right away; I not vait for +nobody, sair!" + +"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house," answered the old +sour krout, "you old barber!" + +"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed rage. "Sair, I vill +go no where, I vill stay here so long, by gar, as--as--as I please, +sair!" + +"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman, "that you are +rendering gross and offensive, malicious and libellous, scandalous and +burglarious language to this gentleman, in his own domicile, with malice +prepense and aforethought, and a ----" + +"Pooh! pooh! _pooh!_ for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman. + +"Pooh? To me, sir? _Me, sir?_" bullyingly echoed Blackstone. + +"Yes, sair--pooh--_pooh!_ von geese, sair!" + +It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride, the insolence +of a travelling _barber_ had stirred up in the very face of the man of +law, logic, and legal lore. He swelled up, blowed and strutted about +like a _miffed_ gobbler in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage, +but it bursted forth-- + +"You--you--you infernal old frog-eating, soap and lather, you--you--you +smoke-dried, one-eyed,* poor old wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's +sake, I'd have you taken up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I +would, you poverty-stricken old rascal!" + + [*] Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that, + however, he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes. + +"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out der ole hoss +again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable; now, you ole fool, +you shall go vay pout your bishenish mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss +too!" said the landlord, with an evident rush of blood and beer to his +head! + +"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman, "veri well, sair, +I sal go--but,"--shaking his finger very significantly at the landlord +and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you, +sir, sal make de deed in my name--I kick you out, sair, (to the +landlord,) and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!" + +With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig, amid the "Haw! +haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!" of the landlord and lawyer. "That for +you," said the Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real +half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now, the farmer, +one of the three spectators present, had quietly watched the +proceedings, and being _gifted_ with enough insight into human nature to +see something more than "an old French barber" in the person and manner +of the traveller; and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern +property, followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once offered him +the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant, where the traveller +passed a most comfortable night, and where his host found out that he +was entertaining no less a pecuniary miracle of his time--_than Stephen +Girard_. + +Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and _shady_ gig, accompanied +by his entertainer, rode over to the two owners of the Tavern property, +and with them sought the _lawyer_, the deeds were made out, the old +Frenchman _drew_ on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten +years' _lease_ upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble, and as +that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door, and was very +obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy turned around on the steps, and +looking sharp--with his one eye upon the lawyer, says he-- + +"Sair! Pooh! pooh!--_Booh!_" off he rode for the Tavern, where he and +the landlord had a _haze_, the landlord was notified to _leave_, short +metre; and being fully revenged for the insult paid his millions, old +Stephen Girard, the great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he +was better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than ever, +that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object! + + + + +A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler. + + +We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some +folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl +over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and +spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--that come out first best in the +long run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers, or +anybody else they deal with, and so far have we seen this _infirmity_ +carried, that we candidly believe we've known persons that would not +stop short of cheapening the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a +dollar and two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the _rationale_ of +the matter is this:--as soon as persons establish a reputation for +meanness--beating down folks, they fall victims to all sorts of shaves +and short commons, and have the fine Saxony drawn over their eyes--from +the nose to the occiput; they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &c., +that others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then some folks +are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder their very shadow does not +often cut somebody. A friend of ours went to buy his wife a pair of +gaiters; he brought them home; she found all manner of fault with them; +among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her better half +had given for the gaiters, _she_ could have got the best article in +Waxend's entire shop! _He_ said _she_ had better take them back and try. +So she did, and poor Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up +by the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters at a less +price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend saw how matters stood, +so he consented to adopt the maxim of--when Greek meets Greek, then +comes the tug of war! + +"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have made for Mrs. +Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive material, the best +article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse will not expect them for a few +days, and rather than _you_ should be disappointed, I will let _you_ +have them for the same price your husband paid for those common ones!" + +Of course Mrs. ---- took them, went home in great glee, and told her +better half she'd never trust him to go shopping for her again--for they +always cheated him. When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's +bargain, lo! he detected the self-same gaiters--merely with a different +quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher, grinned and said +nothing. That illustrates one phase in the character of some people who +"go it blind" on "bargains" and now, for the pith of our story--the way +some folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come at a thing. + +The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how he was getting +along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer. + +"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was busy, keeping the stove +warm. + +"Pretty well; how is it with you?" + +"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?" + +"Middling--middling, sir. How's all your folks?" + +"Tolerable--yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's trade?" he +ventured to inquire. + +"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come take a seat by +the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes." + +"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your folks are all +stirring, eh?" he added. + +"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother got?" the +storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew the man. + +"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold weather, you see, +sort o' sets the old lady back." + +"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's we, if there is +anything important or business like on the man's mind, he must be near +to its focus. But he started again-- + +"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes. + +"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?" + +"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent; "I did think +of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up." + +Here another _hiatus_ occurred; the rural gent walked around, viewed the +goods and chattels for some minutes; then says he-- + +"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth from our friend +the venerated expression-- + +"What's your hurry?" + +"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!" + +"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's sleighing out your +way--good?" + +"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it, this winter, by +jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent. "Trade's dull, eh?" + +"Very--very _slack_." + +"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?" + +"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper. + +"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or business much +better, nowhere." + +To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied-- + +"Not much--that's a fact." + +"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the Californy goold mines, +don't you?" + +"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it," said the +storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some." + +"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist. "Some make money +out there, and then agin some don't; I reckon more don't than does." To +this bright inference the storekeeper ventured to say-- + +"I think it's highly _probable_." + +"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes. + +"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a little with +influenza, colds, &c.; nothing serious, however." + +"Well, I'm glad to hear it." + +"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper, in +apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured of the fact. + +"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady." + +Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was speculation in the +rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun of the thing--as we "were up" +to such dodges--we determined to hang on and see how he come out. + +"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the rural gent, and +actually made five steps towards the handle of the door. + +"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When did you come in +town?" + +"I come in this mornin'." + +"Any of the folks in with you?" + +"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was too cold; +'spected some of your folks out to see us durin' this good +sleighing--why didn't you come?" + +"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper. + +"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time, and the sleighin' +holds out, you must come and see us." + +"I may--I can't promise for certain." + +Now another pause took place, and thinks we--the climax has come, +surely, after all that small talk. The country gent walked deliberately +to the door; he actually took hold of the knob. + +"You off?" says the storekeeper. + +"B'lieve I'll be off"--opening the door, then rushes back +again--semi-excited by the force of some pent up idea, says the rural +gent--"O! Mr. ----, _don't you want to buy some good fresh eggs_?" + +"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some fresh eggs; how many +have you?" + +"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!" + +We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution, the man came to +the _pint_, and--sold his eggs in two minutes! + + + + +Jolly Old Times. + + +Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old +times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose, +and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a +bag at the pit of the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a +snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign remedy! Dried +toads and snake skins are quite out of use around these settlements, and +we think the Esculapius who would recommend such nostrums, would be +looked upon as a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to +cause his brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of a +learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee, who invariably +recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to cure the toothache! Had this +venerable old colored gem'n lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have +created a sensation in the medical circles! + + + + +The Pigeon Express Man. + + +In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed +to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, creating a +heap of fun, and coming out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut +Yankees--the cutest and all firedest _tight_ critters on the face of the +_yearth_, when money or trade's in the question--are "_done_" now and +then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove. + +It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two or three Eastern +men, a few years ago, started a paper in Philadelphia, upon the penny +principle, and have since been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and +are, men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their business is +concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all competition, and made their +_pile_. The proprietors were always "fly" for any new dodge, by which +they could keep the lead of things, and monopolize the _news_ market. +The Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we write--the +_mails_, and, now and then, express horse lines, were the media through +which _Great Excitements! Alarming Events!! Great Fires and Awful +Calamities!!_ were come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was +sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as +hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on record, came in, +and inquired of one of the clerks for the proprietors of that +institution. Being pointed out, the thin man made a _lean_ towards him. +After getting close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see +that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat down very +gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and leaning forward until +his razor-made nose almost touched that of the publisher, in a low, +nasal, anxious tone, says he, + +"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?" + +"I am, sir." + +"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously around and +about him. + +"Did you ever hear tell of the _Pigeon Express_?" he continued. + +"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher. + +"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons--letters to their l-e-g-s and newspapers under +their wings--trained to fly any where you warnt 'em." + +"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher--"Carrier--pigeons trained to +carry billets--bulletins and--" + +"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in the stranger. + +"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly. + +"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else." + +"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded, rising +from his chair and pacing the floor, as though rather and decidedly +_taken_ by the novelty and feasibility of the operation. + +"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express." + +"I like the idea; good, first rate!" + +"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger. + +"But what would it cost?" + +"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on." + +"A small wagon?" + +"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained to fly from one +_pint_ to another!" + +"Yes; well?" + +"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the top of the +bildin', for a spell, teu git the _hang_ of things, and so on!" + +"Yes, very well; go on." + +"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em into his +wagon--ten miles at first--throws 'em up, and the birds go to the +bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?" + +"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?" + +Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening ears, in a low, +long way, says the stranger-- + +"_I've got 'em!_ R-a-l-e Persian birds--be-e-utis!" + +"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher. + +"_Like a book_," the stranger responded. + +"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired. + +"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'." + +"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!" + +"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express man, +leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher, who paced his +office as full of effervescence as a jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog +days. + +About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few cases, now and +then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket venders in Jersey +City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore; but these exploits +rarely paid first cost, and did not amount to much, although some noise +was made about the wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But +the _paper_ was to have a new impulse--astonish all creation and the +rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The publisher's partner was in New +York, fishing for novelties, and he determined to astonish him, on his +return home, by the _bird business!_ A coop was fixed on the top of the +"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had suggested. The +wagon was bought, and, with two hundred dollars in for funds, passed +over to the pigeon express man, who, in the course of a few days, takes +the birds into his wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them +up, and the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top of the +"bildin'," looking out for them. + +They kept looking!--they saw something werry like a whale, but a good +deal like a first-rate bad "_Sell!_" The lapse of a few days was quite +sufficient to convince the publisher that he had been taken in and done +for--regularly _picked up_ and done for,--upon the most approved and +scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag, he made +up his mind to pocket the _shave_ and keep shady, not even "letting on +to his partner," who in the course of the following week returned from +Gotham, evidently feeling as fine as silk, about something or other. + +"Well, what's new in New York--got hold of any thing rich?" was the +first interrogatory. + +"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating something very +important on the _tapis_. + +"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will put the +sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!" + +"No. What have you started in Gotham?" + +"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea is +grand--immense--I'll knock under." + +"Good! I'm glad--particularly glad you've found something new and +startling," responded the other. "Well, what is it?" + +"Great!--wonderful!--_Carrier Pigeons!_" + +"What! Pigeons?" + +"_Pigeons!_" + +"You don't pretend to say that--" + +"Yes, sir, all arranged--luckiest fellows alive, we are--" + +"Well, but--" + +"Oh, don't be uneasy--I fixed it." + +"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his partner, sticking +his digits into his trowserloons--biting his lips and stamping around. + +"Rich! _elegant!_ In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and--" + +"Flying! Why, do you--" + +"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on my keeping perfectly +_mum_, until things were in regular working order; he then set the boys +to work--we have large cages on top of the building--" + +"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly. "There, +do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?" + +"Why--why, you don't pretend to say that--" + +"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago--talked nothing but +Carrier Pigeons--Pigeon Expresses--I thought I'd surprise you, and--" + +"Well, well--go on." + +"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow $200--a horse and +wagon--" + +"Done! _done!_" roared the other, without waiting for further +particulars--"$200 and a horse and wagon--just what Tom and I gave the +scamp! ha! ha! ha!" + +"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under the force of the +_joke_. + +Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly known; but +he is supposed to have given up the bird business, and gone into the +manufacture of woolly horses and cod-liver oil. + + + + +Jipson's Great Dinner Party. + + +"Well, you must do it." + +"Do it?" + +"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to _do_ +in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty +hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of New +Hampshire contingencies, (to quote our beloved man of the million, +Theodore Parker,) poor relations. + +"But, my dear Betsey, do you _know_, will you consider for once, that to +_do_ a thing of the kind--to splurge out like Tannersoil, one must +expect--at least I do--to sink a full _quarter_ of my salary, for the +current year; yes, a full quarter?" + +"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson had just moved +up above "Bleecker street,")--"and bought your carriage, and +engaged----" + +"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson. + +"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J. + +"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred dollars a year +extra expenses, to--a----" + +"To gratify yourself, and--a----" + +"Your--a--a--your vanity, Madam, you should have said, my dear." + +"Don't talk that way to me--to me--you brute; you know----" + +"I know all about it, my dear." + +"_My dear_--bah!" said the lady; "my _dear!_ save that, Mr. Jipson, for +some of your--a--a----" + +What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge; but Jipson just +then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to prevent the umpullaceous tone of +Mrs. J.'s remarks, by saying, in a very humble strain-- + +"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too old to act like +goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope, with the matters-of-fact of +every-day life, to quarrel about things beyond our reach or control." + +"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson, I mean beyond +your reach, that your income will not permit us to live as other people +live----" + +"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson. + +"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson. + +"Live like other people--that is, some people, Mrs. Jipson, that I know +of." + +"You don't suppose _I'm_ going to bury myself and my poor girls in this +big house, and have those servants standing about me, their fingers in +their mouths, with nothing to do but----" + +"But what?" + +"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a----" + +"For what?" + +"For a--a----" + +But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined what a _point_ Mrs. +J. was about to, but could not conscientiously make, so he relieved her +with-- + +"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded idea, a +contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors, the rabble world +at large. Thousands do it, my dear, and I've no objection to their doing +it; it's their own business, and none of mine. I have moved up town +because I thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest kind of +family carriage because I could afford it, and believed it would add to +our recreations and health; the carriage and horses required care; I +engaged a man to attend to them, fix up the garden, and be useful +generally, and added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in +order to lighten your own cares, &c. Now, all this, my dear woman, you +ought to know, rests a very important responsibility upon my shoulders, +health, life, and--two thousand dollars a year, and if you imagine it +compatible with common sense, or consonant with my judgment, to make an +ass or fool of myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries +of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for the time to be +'under government,' with a salary of nothing to speak of, but with +stealings equal to those of a successful freebooter, you--you--you have +placed a--a bad estimate upon my common sense, Madam." + +With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his hat, gloves and +cane, and soon might be seen an elderly, natty, well-shaved, +slightly-flushed gentleman taking his seat in a down town bound _bus_, +en route for the sugar bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, & Co. It +was evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson plied his +knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's accounts, and the +tremulousness with which he drove the porcupine quill, that Jipson was +thinking of something else! + +"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of Look, Sharp, & Co., +to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the counting room. + +"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from his day-book, +and not heeding the remark, though he saw the person of his employer. + +"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt. + +"All folly!" + +"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment. + +"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg pardon, sir. Engrossed +in a little affair of my own, I quite overlooked your observation. I +will attend to the account of Look, Sharp, & Co., at once, sir;" and +while Jipson was at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith +could be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly +deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction for many years +previous. The little _incident_ was mentioned to the partner, Comeagain. +The firm first laughed, then wondered what was up to disturb the usual +equilibrium of Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or +nothing! + +"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife is a good woman +enough, but like most women, lets her vanity trip up her common sense, +now and then; she feels cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are +plunging out with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano +going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes, guess I'll do +it. + +"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors--not only in a pecuniary, but +domestic sense--that these dinners, suppers and parties to the rag-tag +and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning people, who _ought_ to be ashamed +of them. + +"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!" + +A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange the programme. +When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she vainly supposed, the prevalence of +"better sense" on the part of her husband, she was good as cranberry +tart, and flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event that +was to give _eclat_ to the new residence and family of the Jipsons, +slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory of the Tannersoil family, +and create a commotion generally--above Bleecker street! + +Jipson _drew_ on his employers, for a quarter's salary. The draft was +honored, of course, but it led to some _speculation_ on the part of "the +firm," as to what Jipson was up to, and whether he wasn't getting into +evil habits, and decidedly bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked, +Mrs. Jipson talked. Their almost--in fact, Mrs. J., like most ambitious +mothers, thought, _really_--marriageable daughters dreamed and talked +dinner parties for the full month, ere the great event of their lives +came duly off. + +One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite--who to get to come, +and _where_ to get them! Now, originally, the Jipsons were from the +"Hills of New Hampshire, of poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years +in the great metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance +among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates, ebbs and flows +at such a rate, that society--such as domestic people might recognize as +unequivocally genteel--is hard to fasten to or find. But one of the Miss +Jipsons possessed an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose +brother was a young gentleman of very _distingue_ air, and who knew the +entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed that sort of +existence in the gay metropolis. + +Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged. It was his, as +many others' vocation, to arrange details, command the feast, select the +company, and control the coming event. The Jipsons confined their +invitations to the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the +diminutiveness of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith, who was +permitted to review the parties invited. + +Few domiciles--of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"--were better +illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson, on the evening of +the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had volunteered to "engage" a whole set +of silver from Tinplate & Co., who generously offer our ambitious +citizens such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration; while +china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white aprons, with six +plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in Smith's programme. Jipson +at first was puzzled to know where he could find volunteers to fill two +dozen chairs, but when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of +tactics truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of plates, +napkins and wine glasses. + +Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not a little vexed +at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and the independent manner in +which they monopolized attention and made themselves at home. + +Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man." Smith was at home, +in his element; he was head and foot of the party. Himself and friends +soon led and ruled the feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the +wine _fizzed_, the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with +Burgundy, Claret and Champagne! + +"To our host!" cries Smith. + +"Yes--ah! 'ere's--ah! to our a--our host!" echoes another swell, already +insolently "corned." + +"Where the--a--where is our worthy host?" says another specimen of +"above Bleecker street" genteel society. "I--a say, trot out your host, +and let's give the old fellow a toast!" + +"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck bloods, +spilling their wine over the carpets, one another, and table covers. + +"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in the act of being +kept _cool_ by his wife, in the drawing-room. + +"Never mind, Jipson----" + +"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells. + +"I-ah--say, Mister----" + +"Old roostaw, I say----" + +"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating his voice and +fists. + +"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife. + +"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are." + +"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries Mrs. Jipson. + +"What--ah--are you at? Does he--ah----" + +"Yes, what--ah--does old Jip say?" + +"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call gentlemen?" chimes in +a third. + +"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson. + +"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we--ah--are--ah--to blame +for--ah--patronizing a snob," continues a swell. + +"A what?" shouts Jipson. + +"A plebeian!" + +"A codfish--ah----" + +"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged Jipson, rushing +at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right and left, upsetting chairs, +tables, and lamps. + +"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest. + +"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies. + +"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter. + +Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch fiddlers, only +engaged for the occasion, taking no interest in a free fight, and not +caring two cents who whipped, laid back and-- + +"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!" + +Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the men folks (!) +began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed; called for their hats, shawls, +and _chaperones_,--the most of the latter, however, were _non est_, or +too well "set up," to heed the common state of affairs. + +Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within the walls for a +week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the daughters not only got over +their hysterics, but ideas of gentility, as practised "above Bleecker +street." It took poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial +"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get over their +grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis. + + + + +Look out for them Lobsters. + + +Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride +upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed +_crustacea_, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith +fulminated, by _some_ of our professors of gastronomics that we have +seen, we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant for +the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been disappointed several times +by assertions of the lobster merchants, who, in their overwhelming zeal +to effect a sale, had been a little too sanguine of the precise _time_ +said lobsters were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten +pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet country, the +deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster no better than it +should be! + +"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,--"get them alive +and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself; be sure of their freshness, and +have them cooked more carefully and properly." + +"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell them, I observe, +near the depot,--right out of the boat. I'm much obliged for the +notion." + +The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,--as he was about to return +home, he goes to the bridge and bargains for two live lobsters, fine, +active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive and kicking, and no mistake! + +"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to the purveyor of the +_crustacea_, as he gazed wistfully upon the two sprawling, ugly, green +and scratching lobsters, as they lay before him upon the planks at his +feet. + +"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,--"why, bile 'em and eat +'em! I bet you a dollar you never ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow, +mister!" + +The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the speaker, as much as to +say--"you don't say so?" + +"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?" + +"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough; here, Saul," says +he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue pants--_sans_ hat or boots, +and but one _gallows_ to his breeches, "here, you, light upon these +lobsters and carry 'em home for this old gentleman." + +"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I reside ten miles +out in the country!" + +"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant; "well, I tell you, +Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in this 'ere bag, if you're goin' +out?" + +"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go right along with +me." + +The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack, thrown across the +shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away they went at the heels of the +deacon, to the depot; here Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until +their bones or shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a +"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of one of the +lobsters protruded out of the bag--opened and shut with a _clack_, that +made the deacon shudder! + +"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they not, my son?" says +the deacon. + +"Not _werry_," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you see they's got +pegs down here--_hallo!_" As Saul poked his hand down towards the big +claw lying partly out of the open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and +_clacked_ at his fingers, ferocious as a mad dog. + +"His peg's out," said the boy--"and I can't fasten it; but here's a +chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get out, any how, and you +kin put 'em into yer pot right out of the bag." + +"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care of them; bring +them here; there, just place the bag right in under my seat; so, that +will do." + +Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure +approached, and soon every seat around the worthy deacon was occupied. +By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady," in front of the deacon, began to +_fussle_ about and twist around, as if anxious to arrange the great +amplitude of her _drapery_, and look after something "bothering" her +feet. In front of the lady, sat a _slab_-sided _genus_ dandy, fat as a +match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a pale-face dog, +with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, quite as gaudy as his +master's neck-choker; this canine gave an awful-- + +"_Ihk!_ ow, yow! yow-oo--yow, ook! yow! _yow!_ YOW!" + +"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon, jumping up, and +making a desperate splurge to get up on to the seats, and in the effort +upsetting sundry bundles and parcels around her! + +"Yow-_ook!_ Yow-_ook!_" yelled the dog, jumping clear out of the grasp +of the juvenile _Mantillini_, and dashing himself on to the head and +shoulders of the next seat occupants, one of whom was a sturdy civilized +Irishman, who made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and to +the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, he sung out: + +"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil _mad_?" + +"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother. + +"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another. + +"Whur-r-r-r! ye _divil!_" cries the Irish gintilman, pinning the poor +dog down between the seats, with a force that extracted another glorious +yell. + +"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!" + +"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the rear of the deacon, +leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his leg vigorously. + +"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one. + +"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating his seat and +crowding towards the door. + +"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady. + +"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once. + +"Good _conscience!_" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped his newspaper, +in the midst of the din--noise and confusion; and with a most singular +and spasmodic effort to dance a "_high_land fling," he hustled out of +his seat, exclaiming: + +"Good conscience, I really believe they're out." + +"Eh? What--what's out?" cries one. + +"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane. + +"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several. + +"Snakes!" cried a dozen. + +"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed. + +"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!" + +"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din! + +"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?" says the conductor, +coming to the rescue. + +"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once. + +"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one, while all eyes were +directed, tongues wagging, and hands gesticulating furiously at the +astonished deacon. + +"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe I'm bitten clear +through my boot--catch them, Mr. Swallow!" cries the deacon. + +"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy. + +"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around. + +"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,--_my lobsters, sir_," says the +deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor and the man with the cane +get at the _reptiles_, as the latter insisted. + +"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!" + +"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a mock heroic shrug of his +shoulders, and looking fierce as two cents! + +"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them. + +"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have got their pins +out!" + +"Why, they are _alive_, and crawling around; hear the old fellow,--take +care, Mr. Swaller--he's cross as sin!" says the man with the +cane--"wasn't that a _snap_? Take care! You got him?" that indefatigable +assistant continued, rattling his tongue and cane. + +"I've got them!" cries the conductor. + +"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon. + +"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody. + +"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy another _live +lobster!_" + +Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but when young +Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed with the _Irishman_, at +"the last stopping place," in his excitement, leaving a quart jug of +whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog. + + + + +The Fitzfaddles at Hull. + + +"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go, +you must _go_, that's all." + +"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"--pettishly reiterates the lady of the +middle-aged man of business; "mention any thing that would be gratifying +to the children--" + +"The children--_umph!_" + +"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up souls to, +to--to the Springs--" + +"_Haven't_ they been to Saratoga? _Didn't_ I spend a month of my +precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars there, four years +ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed, worried, starved, and--laughed +at?" Fitzfaddle responds. + +"Or, to the sea-side--" continued the lady. + +"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook--" + +"Don't call me _Sook_, Fitzfaddle; _Sook!_ I'm not _in_ the kitchen, nor +_of_ the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!" said the lady, +with evident feeling. + +"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, don't be so rabid; +don't be foolish, in your old days; my dear, we've spent the happiest of +our days in the kitchen; when we were first married, _Susan_, when our +whole stock in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs--" + +"Well, that's enough about it--" interposed the lady. + +"A plain old pine breakfast table--" continued Fitz. + +"I'd stop, just THERE--" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz. + +"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard--" +persevered the indefatigable monster. + +"I'd go through the whole inventory--" angrily cried Mrs. Fitz--"clean +down to--" + +"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had--" + +"Don't you--_don't you feel ashamed of yourself_?" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, +about as full of anger as she could well contain; but Fitz keeps the +even tenor of his way. + +"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever forget a jot of +the real happiness of any portion of my life. When you and I, dear Sook +(an awful scowl, and a sudden change of her position, on her costly +rocking chair. Fitz looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when +you and I, _Susan_, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue frame,' +down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or piece of mahogany, or +silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery of any sort, the five old +chairs--" + +"Good conscience! are you going to have that over again?" cries Mrs. +Fitz, with the utmost chagrin. + +"The old white pine table--" + +Mrs. Fitz starts in horror. + +"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!" + +Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor! + +"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had--" + +Nature quite "gin eout"--the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle throws herself +down upon the sumptuous _conversazione_, and absorbs her grief in the +ample folds of a lace-wrought handkerchief (bought at Warren's--cost the +entire profits of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle & Co.'s A No. 1 cod!), +while the imperturbable Fitz drives on-- + +"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan--the time and again, Susan, I've +sat in that little kitchen--" + +Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence, so dear to +Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her. + +"With little Nanny--" + +"You--you brute! You--you vulgar--you--you Fitzfaddle. Nanny! to call +your daughter N-Nanny!" + +"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny--" says the matter-of-fact head of the firm of +Fitzfaddle & Co. "I believe we did intend to call the girl Nancy; we +_did_ call her Nanny, Mrs. Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your +innovations, things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my soul +that girl has had five changes in her name before you concluded it was +up to the highest point of modern respectability. From Nancy you had it +Nannette, from Nannette to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it +was rested at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess of +nonsense to _handle_ my plain name." + +"Anna Antoinette De Orville"--said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly rallying, "_is_ a +name, only made _plain_ by your ugly and countryfied prefix. De Orville +is a name," said the lady. + +"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon what pretext, +Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a Frenchy and flighty name or +title as De Orville?" + +"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz. + +"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, _Sook_," says Fitzfaddle. + +"_Sook!_" almost screams Mrs. Fitz. + +"Yes, _Sook_, Sook _Scovill_, daughter of a good old-fashioned, +patriotic farmer--_Timothy Scovill_, of Tanner's Mills, in the county of +Tuggs--down East. And when I married Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a +rustling of silk is heard--a door slams, and the old gentleman finishes +his domestic narrative, _solus!_), she was as fine a gal as the State +ever produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged or put +out, on the account of our poverty. We started in the world square; +happy as clams, nothing but what was useful around us; it is a happy +reflection to look back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's +old chest, and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard--the cracked pots +and pans--the old stove--Sook as ruddy and bright as a full-blown rose, +as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor, dining room, and +kitchen--turning her slap-jacks, frying, baking and boiling, and I often +by her side, with our first child, Nanny, on my--" + +"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough +recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, re-entering the parlor. + +"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when I sat and read to +you, or held Nanny, while you--" + +"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake--" + +"While you--ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown rose, bent over +your mother's old cook stove--" + +"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?" cried the really +_tried_ woman. + +"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the action to the +word. + +"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated paroxysm of pity +and indignation, but Fitz let it come. + +"_While I dandled Nanny on my knee!_" + +A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past, and Mrs. Fitz +fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign to come. At length, +after a deal of "dicker," Fitz remembering only the bad dinners, small +rooms, large bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and +clamor of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts; and +Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show and extravagance) +she had run against the many ambitious shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's, +lawyers' and doctors' daughters--Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the +family,--Mrs. Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters--Anna Antoinette +De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville, and Alexander Montressor De +Orville, and two servants--start in style, for the famed city of Hull! + +It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had secured, upon +accommodating terms, rooms &c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's own choosing. With +the diplomacy of five prime ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and +circumstance of a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,--husband rich, +and indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters," you +may--if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place," fancy Mrs. +Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about a third of the _swarth_ +she cut. The first evident opposition Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from +the wife of a wine merchant. This lady made her _entree_ at ---- House, +with a pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity of +band boxes, patent leather trunks, and--her husband. The first day Mrs. +Oldport sat at table, her new style of dress, and her European jewels, +were the afternoon talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles _spread_, and Mrs. +Oldport was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up" an +artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of dress and +proficiency in music took down the entire collection! Mrs. Michael +Angelo Smythe and daughter captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's +"circle"--a young naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her +chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening Mrs. F. +got up,--to get back her two recruits--a grand private _hop_, at a cost +of $130! And the close of the week brought such a cloud of beauty, +jewels, marriageable daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &c., that +Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic arrangements, +her competitions, stratagems,--her fuss, her jewels, silks, satins and +feathers, that a nervous-headache preceded a typhus fever, and the +unfortunate lady was forced to retire from the field of her glory at the +end of the third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle +out of pocket--more or less--_five hundred dollars!_ The last we heard +of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good old times when he rejoiced +in five old chairs--cook stove--slap-jacks, &c.! + + + + +Putting Me on a Platform! + + +Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds +have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly +informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too +eternal slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never cared a +tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of getting quietly +along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort and knowledge, has sufficed to +engross my individual attention; but I've often "had my joke" by +observing the various grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to +nob, patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle, in +which they might be the centre pin! This desire, or feeling, is a part +and parcel of human nature; you will observe it every where--among the +dusky and man-eating citizens of the Fejee Islands--the dog-eating +population of China--the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants, +ye _Yankoos_ of the new world; all, all have a tendency for lionization. + +This very _innocent_ pastime finds a great many supporters, too; +toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth the vain glory of +man; if you can only get a _toady_--the _more_ the better--you can the +sooner and firmer fix your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as +thrift must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially +necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser quantity of the +goods and chattels of this world, or some kind of tangible effects, to +grease the wheels of your emollient supporters; otherwise you will soon +find all your air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere +gas, and your stern in the gravel immediately. + +Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their gas and +human weakness. I have said that I never sought distinction, but I have +had it thrust upon me more than once, and the last effort of the kind +was so particularly _salubrious_, that I must relate to you, +_confidentially_ of course, how it came about. + +When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I spent much of my +time in surveying "the lions," dipping into this, and peeping into that; +promenading the Common and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker +Hill; ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &c., &c. + +Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable building was +undergoing some repairs, placards were tacked up about the doors, +prohibiting persons from strolling about the capitol. The attendant was +very polite, and told me, and several others desirous to see the +building inside, that if we called in the course of a few days, we could +be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged about the +work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so closely in my desire to +examine the interior, while on the spot, that the man, when the rest of +the visitors had gone, relented, and I was not only allowed to see what +I should see, but he _toted_ me "round." + +We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and learned all the +particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms, closets, &c., and then +came to the Senate Chamber. This you know is something finer than the +country meeting house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the +"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull, Squantum, +etc.,--incipient Demostheneses, and sucking Ciceros, first tap their +gasometers "in the haouse." Here I found the venerable pictures of the +ancient _mugs_, who have figured as Governors, &c., of the commonwealth, +from the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton, who, +strange as it may appear, was really elected Governor, though a +double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers, swords, drums and muskets, that +doubtless rattled and banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully +and critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate, I +mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about three feet of Webster's +first oration at Bunker Hill. To be sure, my audience was _small_, but +_it_ was duly attentive, and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my +ribs, after the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the day, +he--my audience--opened his mouth, and stretched his eyes to the size of +dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at eloquence; the very ears of the +_canvased_ governors seemed pricked up, and I descended the stand big as +Mogul, insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant, +informed him I should call in a few days to take a view from the top of +the dome, &c. He bowed and I took myself off. + +Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of the State +House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to the top of the dome +and get a view of the city and suburbs. + +My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped eyes upon me, than he +pitched into all manner of highfernooten flub-dubs, bowed and scraped, +and regretted that the day was so misty and dull, as I would not be +enabled to have half a chance to get a view. + +"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he. + +"What's the reason?" asked I. + +"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the city and the +villages around, and you'll want to get them all down distinct." + +"Get them all _down_ distinct?" quoth I. + +"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll not see half +the prominent buildings, never mind the whole of the former and not so +easily seen houses. You intend taking a full view, don't you, sir?" + +"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive what caused +such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition of the man's great interest +in my getting "a first rate notice" of matters and things from the top +of the capitol! But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears +of my not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could wish. +Having gratified myself with such a view as the weather and the height +of the capitol afforded (and in clear weather you can get far the best +survey of Boston and the environs from the top of the State House than +from any other promontory about), I descended again. At the foot of the +stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me, introduced several other +miscellaneous-looking chaps to me, and, in short, was making of me, why +or wherefore I knew not, quite a lion! + +"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could you get the +outline?" + +"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine." + +"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin, sir, let me +know, and I'll lock the upper doors when you go up, and you'll not be +disturbed, sir." + +"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement. + +"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as early in the +morning as possible, or, if convenient, before the visitors begin to +come up; they'd disturb you, you know!" + +"Disturb _me!_ Why, I don't know how they would do that?" + +"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith--you know Mr. Smith, sir, I suppose?" + +"Why, yes; the name strikes me as _somewhat_ familiar; do you refer to +_John Smith_?" I observed, beginning to participate in the joke, which +began to develop itself pretty distinctly. + +"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John--John R. Smith; he's a splendid +artist, sir; _his_ sketch or panorama is a beauty! Sir! did you ever see +his panorama?" + +"I think I did, in New York," I replied. + +By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated around us, and I +was the centre of a considerable circle, and from the whispers, and +pointing of fingers, I felt duly sensible, that, great or small, I was a +LION! Under what auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me +it was an unaccountable mist'ry. + +"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady; "I can have a +small platform erected, outside of the cupola, for you, to place your +_designs_ or sketches on, and you'll not be so liable to be disturbed. +Mr. Smith, he had a platform made, sir." + +I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber. + +"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the devil do you +take me for?" + +"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in, sir," said he, with a +very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes. + +"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit for devilish keen +perception; but, if it's a fair question," I continued, "what do you +mean by fixing a platform for my _designs_? You don't think I'm going to +fly, jump or deliver orations from the cupola, do you?" + +"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of Boston, ain't you?" + +"ME?" + +"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?" + +"Oh, yes, yes--I understand--you've found me out, but keep dark--mum's +the word--you understand?" said I, winkingly. + +"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform outside, I +guess." + +"Yes; out with it, and _keep dark until I come!_" + +I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off my corked up +risibilities.--Whether the man actually did prepare a platform for my +designs, or whether Banvard ever went to take his designs there, I am +unable to say, as I went South a few days afterward, and did not return +for some time. + + + + +The Exorbitancy of Meanness. + + +Few _extravaganzas_ of man or woman lay such a heavy _stress_ upon the +pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but it's +nothing of the kind. How many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How +many to cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling +ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones refused to let +his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and when Jones's house was in +a blaze, Johnson forbid him touching his water to put it out. Smith by +accident ran his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut +away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon, dislocated +Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and Peppers being a mighty +spunky, as well as a powerfully mean man, fought it out four years, and +finally sunk every cent he had in the world by the slight transaction. +It is a first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and +feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book, isn't +worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go in, marry money if you can, +save up some, but don't cultivate meanness, for it never pays. + + + + +"Taking Down" a Sheriff. + + +Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a _district_ out +West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy +Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and +putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time, _sans +l'argent_, to live like a prince. Buck was what the world would call a +devilish clever fellow; he was something of a scholar, with the +smattering of a gentleman; good at off-hand dinner table oratory, good +looking, and what never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair +enough about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes. Buck +was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense enough not to waste +his _gas_-conade--ergo, he had the merit not to falsify to ye ancient +falsifiers. + +The Honorable Mr. Buck's _manner_ of living not being "seconded" by a +corresponding manner of _means_, he very frequently ran things in the +ground, got in debt, head and heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized +a dealer in Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount of +some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator of said +cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad towards the last, and +threatened "the Western member" with a course of legal sprouts, unless +he "showed cause," or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck +had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and not being +spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let the notice slide. + +Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John through; so he got +out a writ of the savagest kind--arson, burglary and false +pretence--and a deputy sheriff was soon on the taps to smoke the Western +member out of his boots. Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel, +where the honorable gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found he +had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel. Thither, the next +day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother Yohe--rest her soul!--informed +the officer that the honorable gentleman had stepped out one morning, in +a hurry like, and forgot to pay a small bill! + +John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he had left his mark +and cleared for Sanderson's, where the indefatigable tailor and his +terrier of the law, pursued the member, and learned that he had gone to +Washington! + +"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears. + +"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off; merely a dodge to +get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!" + +Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other bills, amounting +to a good round sum, were lodged at the Sheriff's office, and the very +Sheriff himself took it in hand to nab the _cidevant_ M. C., and cause +him to suffer a little for his country and his friends! + +Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician of popular +renown--a good, jolly fellow--knew the Hon. Mr. Buck, having had "the +pleasure of his acquaintance" some months previous, and having been +_floored_ in a political argument with the "Western member," was +inclined to be down upon him. + +"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he thrust "the +documents" into his pocket and proceeded to hunt up the transgressor. +Accidentally, as it were, who should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner +into the grand _trottoir_, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye +ballot-box in the rural districts, once upon a time! + +"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims the Ex-M. C., +as familiarly as you please. + +"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you." + +"Fine day, Sheriff?" + +"Elegant, sir, _prime_," says the Sheriff. + +"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam trade? Did you +read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening of Jenkins's ditch?" + +For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation, Sheriff F. _put_ +some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded along until they +approached a well-known dining saloon, then under the supervision of a +burly Englishman; and, as it was about the time people dined, and the +Sheriff being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about as +well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed-- + +"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old Sherry, at ----? +We don't often meet (?), so let's sit down and have a quiet talk over +things." + +"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to, just as soon as +not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business with you, and it would +be hardly friendly to eat your dinner before apprizing you of the fact, +sir." + +"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat alarmed Diddler; +"nothing serious, of course?" + +"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a _writ_, Mr. Buck; a writ, +that's all." + +"For my arrest?" + +"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff. + +"The deuce! What's the charge!" + +"Debt--false pretence--_swindling!_" + +"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered Ex-M. C.; +"well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business spoil our digestion; come, +let us dine, and then I'm ready for execution!" says the "Western +member," with well affected gaiety. + +Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a burly waiter +appeared. + +"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just what you like; I +leave it to you, sir." + +"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?" + +"Good." + +"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?" + +"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C. + +"And a--Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side dishes you have," +says the Sheriff. + +"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order. + +"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent. + +"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you take Sherry, +Buck?" + +"Yes, I'll go Sherry." + +The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the time the dinner was +spread. + +"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says the Diddler. + +"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?" + +A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies sat back and +really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the sumptuously kept +restaurant; they then drank and smoked, until sated nature cried enough, +and the Sheriff began to think of business. + +"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!" + +"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed to the office." + +"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English ale," says the +Hon. Mr. Buck. + +"Yes, sir." + +"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings the ale," +said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment," to speak to the +landlord. + +"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman with whom I've +dined in 15?" + +"No, I don't," says the landlord. + +"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no _particular_ acquaintance with him; +he invited me here to dine; I suppose he intends to pay for what he +ordered, but (whispering) _you had better get your money before he gets +out of that room!_" + +"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!" said the burly +landlord, making tracks for the room, from which the Sheriff was now +emerging, to look after his prisoner. + +"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a dollar in the +waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for it." So saying, he +vamosed. + +"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a writ, and--" + +"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and come along!" +exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself _scarce!_ + +It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority," and innocence in +the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the waiter swore roundly that +the other gentleman had paid for all he ordered, and the landlord, who +could not be convinced to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge +him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off, he had his +wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only lost his prisoner, but +lost his temper, at the trick played upon him by the Hon. Jeremy +Diddler. + + + + +Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire. + + +It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of +anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys +and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were +not found out and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before +they were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned in forges +and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we think, yet we distinctly +remember when a few canal boats only were engaged in transporting from +the few mines that were open and worked along the Schuylkill--the +comparatively few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, not +sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but little if any +coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill mines at all. + +Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed Col. Davis, +of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather amusing account of the +first successful attempt of a very distinguished old gentleman, Gov. +Mifflin, to ignite a pile of stone coal. The date of the transaction, +more's the pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something +after this fashion. + +Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine estate in Mifflin +county, and in which county was discovered from time to time, any +quantity of black rock, as the farmers commonly called the then unknown +anthracite. Of course, the old governor knew something about stone coal, +and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure, the +governor was in the habit of experimenting upon the black rocks by +subjecting them to wood fire upon his hearths; but the hard, almost +flint-like anthracite of that region resisted, with most obdurate +pertinacity, the oft-repeated attempts of the governor to set it on +fire. It finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania Dutch +farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin was studying out +a theory to set his hills and fields on fire, and burn out the obnoxious +black rock and boulders. But, despite the jibes and jokes of his +dogmatical friends, the old governor stuck to his experiments, and the +result produced, as most generally it does through perseverance and +practice, a new and useful fact, or principle. + +One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched up in his +easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory fire, overhauling +ponderous state documents, and deeply engrossed in the affairs of the +people, when his eye caught the outline of a big black rock boulder upon +the mantle-piece before him--it was a beautiful specimen of variegated +anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from its lacquered +angles. The governor thought "a heap" of this specimen of the black +rock, but dropping all the documents and State papers pell-mell upon the +floor, he seized the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon +the blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner +watched the operation. To his great delight the black rock was soon red +hot--he called for his servant man, a sable son of Africa, or some down +South Congo-- + +"Isaac." + +"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah." + +"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of that black +rock." + +"Yes, sah, I'se gone." + +In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of the anthracite, and +handing it over to the governor, it was placed in a favorable position +alongside of the first lump, and the governor's eyes fairly danced +polkas as he witnessed the fact of the two pieces of black rock +assuming a red hot complexion. + +"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor. + +"Yes, sah." + +"Run out--get another lump." + +"Yes, sah." + +A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the governor's +private parlor was augmented by the appearance of the governor's lady +and other portions of the family, who, seeing Isaac lugging in the +rocks, came to the conclusion that the governor was going "clean crazy" +over his experiments. It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters +tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate," over the +roaring fire. + +"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy, igniting anthracite? +Go way; close the doors; I've got the rocks on fire--I'll make them +laugh t'other side of their mouths, at my black rock fires!" + +In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring and +exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage drove up, and two +gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate audience with Gov. Mifflin; +but so deeply engaged was the governor, that he refused the strangers an +audience, and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they must +"come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on more black rocks, +brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers. + +"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business admits of no +delay." + +"Can't help it, can't help you--see how it blazes, see how it burns!" +cried the abstracted or mentally and physically absorbed governor. + +"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if--" + +"Let him be hanged--hurra! See how it burns; call in the neighbors; let +them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd surprise them!" + +"But, governor, will you please delay this--" + +"Delay? No, not for the President of the United States. I've been trying +this experiment for eight years. I've now succeeded--see, see how it +burns! Run, Isaac, over to Dr. ----'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr. +S----'s, tell Mr. H---- to come, come everybody--I've got the black +rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran the governor through +the storm, down to the village, like a madman, leaving the strangers and +part of his household as spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as +the governor cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and the +pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double quick time, +hailed him. + +"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on--_yeou the guv'ner_?" + +"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate. + +"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the pedler, dismounting +from his wagon, and making his appearance at the front door, where he +encountered the two rather astonished strangers--legal gentlemen of some +eminence, from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution. + +"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler. + +"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the governor you spoke +to as you drove up." + +"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about som'-thin'. What on +airth ails the ole feller?" + +"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again." + +"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves," cried the excited +Governor of the great Key Stone State; "there's a roaring fire of +burning, blazing, black rock, anthracite coal!" + +But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim, and the +coal being thrown down upon the ashes and stone hearth,--_was all out!_ + +"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the crowd into the +house, "I guess I know what yeou be at, guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou +naow, yeou can't begin to keep that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less +yeou fix it up in a grate, like, gin it air, and an almighty draught; +yeou see, guv'ner, I've been making experiments a darn'd long while with +it!" + +The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler went into a +practical theory on burning stone coal; the _respite_ was +signed--hospitalities of the mansion extended to all present, and in +course of a few days, our Yankee and the governor rigged up a grate, and +soon settled the question--will our black rocks burn? + + + + +Sure Cure. + + +Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly +effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile +of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a +caravan. After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started +homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond anticipation, that +I could hardly keep in my old boots! And all the _dunnage_ I had left, +wouldn't fill a pocket-handkerchief, or sell to a paper-maker for four +cents!" + +Cutaway recommends seeing the _worldy_ elephant, high, for settling +one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels. + + + + +Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber. + + +Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have +suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the people who didn't +pay! Many of the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black +list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid _cash account_ bulky +enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in this way intensely. +About one half of the "subscribers" to the _Clarion of Freedom_, or the +_Universal Democrat_, or the _Whig Shot Tower_, seem to labor under the +Utopian notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription +lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own peculiar amusement, +and carried them or sent them to the doors of the public for mere +pastime! Every publisher, of about every paper we ever examined, about +this time of year, has told his own story--requested his subscribers to +come forward--pay over--help to keep the mill going--creditors +easy--fire in the stove--meal in the barrel--children in bread, butter +and shoes--Sheriff at bay, and other tragical affairs connected with the +operations attendant upon unsettled cash accounts! But, how many heed +such "notices?" Paying subscribers do not read them--such applications +do not apply to them--_they_ regret to see them in the paper, and, like +honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or meddle with other people's +shortcomings. The delinquent subscriber don't read such _calls_ upon his +humanity--they are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the +_notice_ to pay up, and chuckles to himself--"Ah, umph! dun away, old +feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends money by mail; it might be +lost, and the man that duns _me_ for two or three dollars' worth of +newspapers, _may get it if he knows how_." + +Well, the good time has _come_. Printers now may wait no longer; the +jig's up--they have found out a _way_ to get their money just as easy as +other laborers in the fields of science, art, mechanism, law, physic and +religion, get theirs. Let the printer cry _Eureka_. + +Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine arts, best +tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper press, was a tooth +operator of some skill and great pretension. He lived and moved in +modern style, and though no man could be more desirous of indulging in +"short credit," no man believed or acted more readily upon the +principle-- + + ----"base is the slave that _pays_." + +Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the _well done_ +community of Boston and the environs, for fields more congenial to his +peculiar talents. He _stuck_ the printer, of course. His numerous +subscription accounts to the various local news and literary journals, +in the aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers didn't +begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to head off a Yankee, and about +this time a live, double-grand-action Yankee, named Peabody, possibly, +happened in at one of the offices, where two brother publishers were +"making a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially were +they wrought up against and giving jessy to Dr. Pendleton St. Clair +Smith! + +"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody. + +"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation." + +"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give me the full +particulars of the man, his manners and customs, name and size, and +sell me your accounts, at a low notch, I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em, +too, if the feller's alive, out of jail, and any where around between +sunrise and sunset!" + +The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding that Peabody +was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts, &c., and for a five +dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put in possession of an account of some +twenty odd dollars and cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith. + +Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction, established a +peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic battery, or endless chain +of them, extending all over the country, for collecting bad debts, and +_shocking_ fugitives, or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of +faculties, causes and effects--shrewdness and forethought peculiar to a +man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones--Peabody +couldn't be _dodged_. If he ever got his _feelers_ on to a subject, the +_equivalent_ was bound to be turning up! It struck him that the +collection of newspaper bills afforded him a great field for working his +Telegraph, and he hasn't been mistaken. + +The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant month of June, +as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith was to be seen +before his toilet glass in the flourishing city of Syracuse,--giving the +finishing stroke to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with +which he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his mind and +the _confidence_ with which he rested, in regard to his newspaper 'bills +in Boston. But a _tap_ is heard at his door, and at his invitation the +servant comes in, announces a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of +speaking to Dr. Smith. The Doctor waits upon the visitor-- + +"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?" + +"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual. + +"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the firm of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have a small (!) bill against +you, sir, to collect." + +"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor. + +"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!" + +"I a--I a, you a--well, you call in this evening," says the Doctor, +tremulously fumbling in his pockets--"I'll settle with you; good +morning." + +"Good morning, sir," says the collector,--"I'll call." + +That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed! He had barely got +located in Syracuse, before they had traced him; if he paid the printer, +a cloud of other debts would follow, and so he up stakes and made a +fresh _dive!_ + +"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself and baggage down +in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now I'll be out of the range of the +duns; they won't get sight or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a +hat!" + +But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very suspicious, +hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as the deputed collector of +certain newspaper accounts, forwarded from Boston, by Peabody, Grab, +Catchem, & Co. The Dr. uttered a very severe _anathema_; he looked quite +streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call in course +of the day, and the bill would be attended to. The collector hoped it +would be attended to, and left; so did Dr. P. St. C. Smith _in the next +mail line_. + +About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St. C. Smith was +seen strutting around in Charters st., New Orleans, confident in his +security, smiling in the brightness of the scenes around him; he had +just negotiated for an office, had already concocted his advertisements, +and subscribed for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from Boston +appeared to him, in the hand of an _agent_ of Peabody, Grab, Catchem & +Co. The Dr. was almost tempted to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the +_agent_ had a hat full of others--from the same place--for larger +amounts! The next day the Doctor _put_ for Texas! planting himself in +the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the bottom of his +heart--he determined to keep clear of them, even if he had to bury +himself away out here in Texas. But what was his horror to find, the +first week of his hanging up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., _was there!_ The Doctor _stepped_ to +Galveston; on the way he accidentally _met_ a travelling agent of +Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co. The Doctor took the _Sabine_ slide for +Tampico; there he found the "black vomit." He up and off again, for +Mobile; his nervous system was much worked up and his pocket-book sadly +depleted! There were two alternatives--change his name, size and +profession, and live in a swamp; _or settle with the firm of Peabody, +Grab, Catchem & Co_. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith chose the latter; he +sought and soon found in Mobile, a veritable _agent_, duly authorized to +receive and forward funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., and hunt up +and down--fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up--felt better, +and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers are no longer to +be the printers' ghosts. + + + + +Ambition. + + +A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a +grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their glory for +half a century or more, reduced to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a +shock which requires a long stay in a city to counteract.--The gentlemen +who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less than a century, +have their bones carted away to make room for a street sewer. Queer +creature that man--well, he is. + + + + +Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer. + + +"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I expected it long +ago. I told Jones it'd come out so." + +"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's wife has run +off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?" + +"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood for a year +past, that Miller's wife and that feller--Bob Tape, were a leetle too +thick?" + +"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't recollect anybody +saying anything about it, but you, and for my part, I don't believe a +word of it." + +"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh. + +"I don't know--is she?" says Brown. + +"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning, the fust thing, +to see if Bob Tape was about--he wasn't there--they said he'd gone to +Boston on business for old Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started +for Heeltap's shop; we had allers said how things would turn out. He was +out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin', and says he: + +"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!--I've been over to old Mammy +Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to Miller's, on purtence of +borrowin' some lard, but told Suke to look around and see ef Miller's +wife wur about; by Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles +couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the children +whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered her to scoot, so Suke +left without hearing the facts in the case, as 'Squire Black says.' + +"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob Tape have +_sloped_, as they say in the papers." + +"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true--I don't believe a word of +it tho', and as it's none of my business, I shall have nothing to say +about it." + +Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost every village, +town and hamlet in the country is more or less accursed with. He was a +great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed, grinning _genius_, who, being in +possession of a small farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it, +did not do anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of +_scan, mag_., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and a stronger +suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions, and, of course, +never imputed a good motive or movement to anybody. + +You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't you, reader? Such +people are great nuisances--half the discomforts of life are bred by +them; they contaminate and poison the air they breathe, with their +noisome breath, like the odor of the Upas tree. + +Uncle Josh had annoyed many--he was the dread and disgust of +seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had caused more quarrels, +smutted more characters, and created more ill-feeling between friends, +neighbors and acquaintances, than all else beside in the community of +Frogtown. Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a sneaking, +meddling old granny by the women. So, at last, the young women of the +town did agree, that the very next time Uncle Josh carried, concocted, +or circulated any slanderous or otherwise mischievous stories, _they +would duck him in the mill-race_. + +Now, Brown--old Mister Brown--was the very antipode of Uncle Josh; he +was for always taking matters and things by the smoothest handle. Mister +Brown never told tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a +good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown had a good word to +say about everybody. The gals thought it prudent to give old Mister +Brown an inkling of their plans in regard to the disposition they +intended to make of Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go +ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him. + +"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has just this very day +been at his dirty work; by this time he has spread the news all over the +town, that Miller's wife has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't +believe a word of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off, +Uncle Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race." + +Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been down to her sister's, +a few miles off, to see a sick child; her husband had been away at a +law-suit, in a neighboring town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing +of the report of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return. + +Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of the report. +Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a suspicion should arise of +her; she had been making Bob Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in, +and here was the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was a +great time about it--Miller swore like a trooper, and his wife nearly +cried her eyes out. + +A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in October, +Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see Miller's wife, and asked +her to join them in a little party that some of the neighboring women +had got up that evening, for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not +having much to do that evening, her husband said she might go out a +spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the purport of the +call--old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in the mill-race! and Miller's +wife, disguised as the rest, was to help do it. When she heard that old +Josh had circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not +require much coaxing to join the watering committee. + +It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve in number, were +to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for Uncle Josh at his lane gate, +about a quarter of a mile from the mill-race. Old Josh always hung +around the tavern, Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M., +before he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out of a +small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate, and throwing a +large, stout sheet over him, wind him up, and then seizing him head, +neck and heels, hurry him off to the mill-race, and duck him well. + +Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint and powder, +corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your delicate, more ornamental +than useful young ladies of the city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were +real flesh and blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance; and +it would have taken several better men than Uncle Josh to have got away +from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny night, but to better favor the +women, just as old Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured +the moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal cellar. +Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob Tape's old clothes he had +left at her house to be repaired, she gave the word, and out they +rushed. + +"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper. Over went the +sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before he could say "lor' a massy," +he was dragged to the mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his +coat taken off, and he was _ca-soused_ into the cold water! Fury! how +the old fellow begged for his life! + +"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I--a, I--" _ca-souse_ he went +again. + +"Give him another duck," says one--and in he'd go again. + +"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another. + +"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape--ca-souse he +went. + +"O, lor' a mas--mas--e, do--do--don't drown me, Bob; I'll--I'll promise +never to--" in they put him again; the water was as cold as ice. + +"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?" + +"I d--d--d--_do_ promise, if--yo--yo--yo--you--don't--duc--" and in he +went again. + +"Do you promise to mind your own business and let others alone, Uncle +Josh?" + +"Ye--ye--yes, I d--_do_, I--I--I'll promise anything--bo--boys, only let +me go," says Uncle Josh. + +"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter she was, too, +"I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied about my gal, Polly Higgins, +and--" + +"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?--Well--we--well, I said +nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it, 'deed it was." + +Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap his gruel next +night, and the moment Josh got clear of his sousers, he cut for home. +Next day Heeltap cleared himself.--Uncle Josh soon found out that he had +been ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved to Iowa, and +Frogtown has been a happy place ever since. + + + + +Penalty of Kissing your own Wife. + + +Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the +general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his +wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this +reminds us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants" +of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this harbor. Before the +Revolutionary war, one of the King's ships was stationed here, and +occasionally cruised down to the south'ard. It so chanced that after a +long absence the cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the +naval captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard of his +arrival she hastened down to the water side in order to receive him. The +worthy old sea captain, on landing, embraced his lady with tenderness +and true affection. This, as there were many spectators by, gave great +offence to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act of +indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath. The next day, +therefore, the captain was summoned before the magistrates and +selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes and pious exhortations, ordered +him to be publicly whipped! + +The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as much as +possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency of it, was not +attended with any degree of disgrace, he mixed as usual with the best of +company, and even with the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than +familiar as ever. + +At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and the captain, +therefore, with seeming concern to take leave of his worthy friends, +and that they might spend a more happy and convivial day together before +their final separation, invited the principal magistrates and selectmen +to dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship. They +readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be more glorious than +the entertainment that was given. + +At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part them--the anchor +was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing was wanted but the signal to +get under way. The captain, after taking an affectionate and formal +leave of his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck where +the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them. He here thanked them +afresh for the civilities they had shown him, of which the captain +assured them he should bear a kind remembrance. + +"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen, remains to be +adjusted between us, and as it is in my power to settle it, I shall be +most happy to do so. You infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for +evincing a due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate +the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll give you a lesson +that will last your lifetime. Boatswain, strip each of these rogues to +the waist, lash them fast and put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty +stripes each!" + +The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the whole crew, went to +the work with a hearty good will, and after giving the magistrates and +selectmen a fine dressing all around, he cut them loose, put them in +their boat, and the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared +in the dim dist cut ocean. + + + + +Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping. + + +People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding, +and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers +of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if +not double that of the luckless creatures who board. That housekeeping +has its joys it would be vain to deny, but we need no ghost come from +the grave to inform us that the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous +and as harrowing, as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house +or hire a "Betty." + +When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed against hotels, and +abominated boarding-houses; quitting both species of human habitations, +he "up" and rented a house, and to hear his glowing description of the +house--such a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too +broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors, and no +houses in the rear from which the prying eye of the curious and idle +could spy into back kitchen closets or dinner pots--in brief, +Perriwinkle went on with that strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to +new beginners in the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a +general detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he and Mrs. +P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their lives, we merely +observed-- + +"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side of your vision +yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man said of the sausages--hope for +the best, but be prepared for the worst." + +"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing but a good +time. Haven't I married one of the best women in the world? I'm too +experienced in life, my boy, to call any female women angels, doves, or +sugar plums, you know, but my wife is a real woman!" + +"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we. + +"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up for a wet +day--don't care twopence ha'penny for politics, or soldier +fol-de-rols--who wins or who loses in such hums?" + +"Granted, old fellow." + +"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged, furnished +and provisioned for a twelvemonth." + +"No doubt of all that." + +"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and of the right +stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance." + +"I hope, Peter, you have." + +"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to upset or disturb +the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come, answer that." + +"Does your domestic apparatus work well?" + +"I haven't tried it yet." + +"Are your appurtenances--your household appointments--from kitchen to +parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all they are cracked up to be?" + +"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet." + +"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking stove do things up +brown? Have you got your Bettys?" + +"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack; but I'll find out, +soon, and let you know." + +"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account of how things are +working after the first quarter's experience." + +Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended, and every +thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and happy as any thing human +under God's providence and the art and judgment of man could promise. At +midnight the company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love, +and lots of the small fry. + +Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar friend, Peter +Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for some time, we met with +greetings most cordial. + +"How is every thing, old boy--paradise regained?" + +"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head, "dear Jack,--we've +a great deal to learn in this world, and as our old friend Sam Veller +says, whether its worth while to pay so much to learn so little, at +cost--is a question." + +"You begin to think so, eh?" + +"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected--I've moved!" + +"What? Not so soon?" + +"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!" + +"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?" + +"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full of rats, bugs, +and foul air." + +"You don't say so?" + +"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys smoked, paper +peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics, a turner worked all +night, next door, the fellow that had previously lived or stayed in the +house, ran off, leaving all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was +incessantly kept ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of +the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather. I lived +there in purgatory!" + +"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?" + +"Moved--and such an infernal job as it was. You know the two vases I +received as a present from my brother, at Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken +$100 each, for them--" + +"They are worth it; more too." + +"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into a half bushel of +flinders, and I hit the centre table upon which the other stood, with a +chair, and broke it into forty pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir. +My wife packed up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister, +in a large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while our +Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy trunk, the girl lost +her balance and fell bump into the basket. She weighed over two hundred +pounds--every article of the china was crushed into powder!" + +"This was too bad," said we, condolingly. + +"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had them put down fast +and tight, never supposing they'd come up until thread-bare and out of +fashion; they were stained and daubed. The veneering of the piano and +other furniture is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are +mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a fire; one move +convinces me that the old man was right. But, my dear fellow, I won't +bore you with my miseries. We are now moved, and look comfortable again. +Call and see us, do. Good bye." + +About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening we went up town +to see him and his lady. Mrs. P., before marriage, was an uncommon +even-tempered and most amiable woman. She had now been married about six +months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P. laboring under much +"excitement," and poor Peter--he was doing his best to pacify and soothe +her-- + +"Halloo! what's the trouble?"--we were familiar enough to ask the +question--as they were alone, without intruding. + +"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and the cook have had a +misunderstanding. A little muss, that's all." + +"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you don't know how one's +temper and good nature are put out, sir, by housekeeping; by the +impudence, awkwardness, and wasteful habits of servants, sir." + +"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied. + +"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering, directing, +and watching these women and girls--had my feelings so outraged by them, +time and again, since we began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all +manner of patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to change +our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit to the awkwardness +that cost us sets of china, dozens of glasses, stained carpets, soiled +paints, smeared walls, rugs upon the top of the piano, and the piano +cloths put down for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and +puddings boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found the +dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes, she wiping the +lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook washing out her stockings in +the dinner pot--I gave way to my angry passions, and cried with +vexation!" + +And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s pilgrim stock, +couldn't stand that, nohow. + +P. S.--Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms at the Tremont +House, in order to preserve their morals and money. + + + + +Miseries of a Dandy. + + +That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear +witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting +subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible +nonsense we know of. During our junior days, while officiating as "shop +boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we used to derive some fun +from the man[oe]uvres of a dandy-jack of a fellow in the same +establishment. He was of the bullet-headed, pimpled and stubby-haired +_genus_, but dressed up to the _nines_; and had as much pride as two +half-Spanish counts or a peacock in a barnyard. + +Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory, etc., up +stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M., arrayed in the costume of _the +latest style_, as he flaunted down Chestnut Street--by the way, it was a +long, idle tramp, out of his road to do so,--his hair all frizzled up, +hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff he could +hardly expectorate over his _goatee_, while his "stunnin'" scarf and +dashing pin stuck out to the admiration of Charley's extensive eyes, and +the astonishment of half the clerks and all the shop boys along the line +of our Beau Brummell's promenade! + +It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed with the +idea, that he was the envy of half the men, and the _beau_ ideal of all +the women he met! But your real dandy is no particular lover of women; +he very naturally so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond +affection upon his own person. So it was with our _beau_--he wouldn't +have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent leathers," or +disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an inch, to save a lady from a +mad bull, or being run down by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would +walk with them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or +ball room, provided always--they were dressed all but to within half an +inch of their lives! The man who introduced a new and _stunnin_' hat, +scarf, or coat, Charley would swear friendship to, on sight! A shabby, +genteel person was his abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying! +He lived, moved, breathed--ideally, his ideality based, of course, upon +ridiculous superfluities of life--leather and prunella, entirely. +Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a villanously-dressed person, +while a bright, shining morn--giving him amplitude to make a "grand +dash," won from him the same encomiums to the producer that he would +bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres--commendable +works of an artist! The _genus_ dandy, whether of savage or civilized +life, is a felicitous subject for peculiar, speculative, comparative +analogy or _analysis_; we shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come +to the substance. + +After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip off his "top +hamper," placing his finery in a closet with the care and diligence of a +maiden of thirty, and upwards. Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls +and coat, he condescended to go to work. Now, in the said establishment, +our _beau_ had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were "down" upon +him; the men, because of his dandyism; the females hated him, because +Charley stuck his long nose _up_ at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more +notice them in the streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or +decayed esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally, though it +was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent, because his pride made +it imperiously necessary that some of the "little breeches" should do +small chores, errands, bringing water from the street, carrying down to +_the shop_ goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself. But +men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising jokes and tricks +upon the _beau_. The boys would all rush off to dinner--first having so +dirtied the water, hid the towels and soap, that poor Charley would +necessarily be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up a +bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face and hands. And +mark the difficulties and _diplomacy_ of such an arrangement. Charley +would slip down into the lower entry, peep out to see if any body was +looking,--if a genteel person was visible, the _beau_ held back with his +bucket; after various reconnaissances, the coast would appear clear, and +the _beau_ would dash out to the pump, agitate "the iron-tailed cow" +with the force and speed of an infantile earthquake--snatch up the +bucket, and with one _dart_ hit the doorway, and glide up stairs, +thanking his stars that nobody "seen him do it!" + +In one of these _forays_ for water, the _beau_ was decidedly cornered by +two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures, observed poor Charley from +an upper "landing" of the stairway, in the entry below, watching his +chance to get a clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the +beau darted out, down rush the girls--slam to the door and bar it! + +The _beau_, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions, gives the pump an +awful _surge_, fills the bucket, looks down the street, and--O! murder, +there come two ladies--the first _cuts_ of the city, to whom Charley had +once the honor of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his +shoulder at the _ladies_--his nether limbs desperately nerved for _tall +walking_,--he dashes at the supposed open entryway, and--nearly knocked +the panel out of the door, smashing the bucket, spilling the water, and +slightly killing himself! + +It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking advantage of +the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred the door and vanished, +before poor Charley picked himself up and scrambled into the lower store +to recuperate. + +Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the wiles of his +persecutors, when one morning he was forced to come down into the store +in his working gear, well be-spattered with oleaginous substances, dust +and dirt; in this gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a +looking Christian, as might not often--before California life was +dreamed of--be seen in a city. We _did_ quite an extensive retail +trade--the store was rarely free from _ton_-ish citizens, mostly "fine +ladies," in quest of fine perfumes, soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and +decorate their own beautiful selves. But, before venturing in, our +_beau_ had an eye about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered; +things looked safe, and in comes the beau. + +We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was wont to regale us +with many of his long stories about the company he _faced_ into, the +"conquests" he made, and the times he had with this and that, in high +life. Fanny Kemble was about that time--belle of the season! _Lioness_ +of the day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful +_furore_--generally! Alas! how soon such things--cave in! + +Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles he had brought +down, and began one of his usual harangues: + +"Theatre, last night, Jack?" + +"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we. + +"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion beauty and wealthy +people of this city! Such a house! Crowded from pit to dome, met a +hundred and fifty of my friends--ladies of the first families in town, +with all the 'high boys' of my acquaintance!" + +"And how did Fanny _do_ Juliet?" we asked. + +"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with the two Misses W. +(Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel S. and Sam. G., and his sister +(all _nobs_ of course!), and they were truly entranced with Miss +Kemble's Juliet! I threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,--Fanny kissed +her fingers to me, and with a _look_ at me, as I stood up so--(the beau +gave a tall _rear up_ and was about to spread himself, when glancing at +the door, he sees--two ladies! right in the store!) _thunder!_" he +exclaims. + +If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he would not have +_dropped_ sooner than he did, behind the counter. + +The ladies proved to be _nobody_ else than those of the very two Misses +W. themselves; they lived close by, and frequently came to the store. +Beneath our counter were endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils, +rancid perfumes, dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about +everything else dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place +afforded a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's, but +there he was, much in our _way_ too, with the mournful fact, for +Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less than half an hour, +without overhauling about every article in the store, it would be a +white stone indeed in the fortunes of the beau! The ladies sat; they +dickered and examined--we exhibited and put away, the beau lying +crouched and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to burst at +the _contretemps_ of the poor victim. Charley stood it with the most +heroic resignation for full twenty minutes, when the two Misses W. got +up to go. Casting their eyes towards the door, who should be about to +pass but the divine Fanny! + +Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition and +acquaintance was worth cultivating--even by the haughty queen of the +drama and belle of the hour; she rushed in, they all had a talk--and you +know how women can talk, will _talk_ for an hour or two, all about +nothing in particular, except to _talk_. Imagine our beau,--"Phancy his +phelinks," as _Yellow Plush_ says, and to heighten the effect, in comes +the boss! He comes behind the counter--he sees poor Charley +sprawling--he roars out: + +"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? _dead_?" + +"Dead?" utters Fanny. + +"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.! + +With one desperate _splurge_, up jumps the beau; rushes out, up +stairs--gets on his clothes, and we did not see him again for over two +years! + + + + +A Juvenile Joe Miller. + + +We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street, +that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddling clouts. +He was a cunning-looking little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe +shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice-- + +"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r--" + +"Eh?--what?" says the shop-keeper. + +"Somebody's got your boots out here!" + +Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away with a bunch of his +_wares_ at the door, Lapstone rushes out and cries-- + +"Where?" + +"There," says the shaver; "they're there--somebody's got 'em--hung up +'long your window there." + +Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a flip, but he +scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most provoking strain. + + + + +"Selling" a Landlord. + + +During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were +dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston +friend of mine, thought a little _side play_ wouldn't be out of the way, +so to work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he managed +it, nice as wax. + +Among the Boston delegates--self-constituted, _a la_ Gen. Commander--was +a certain gentleman, remarkable for his probity, decorum, and extreme +sensitiveness. Well, A., the _wag_, and B., the _victim_, landed +together, but selected, in the general overflow and hurly-burly, +different lodgings. Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in ----'s +Hotel, fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing about +_as_ well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent luck, and the +quarters he had lit upon were any thing but comfortable, the inmates of +the Hotel being stowed away in _tiers_, like herrings in a box. A. +thought he'd _oust_ his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his +joke, if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety. + +With the _address_, and _partly the_ dress--a white hat--of a man of the +_mace_, A. steps up to the bar of ----'s Hotel, and after carefully +scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph of the victim, then +smiles suspiciously, enough to say to the observant bar-keeper-- + +"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward towards that +person, says A.-- + +"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?" + +"I b'leave he is, sur,--I know he is, sur," says the Milesian, +overlooking the register himself. + +"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain. + +"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer. + +"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A. + +"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply. + +"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly exclaims A., while +the bar-keeper and landlord, who had now come forward, eagerly wanted to +know if any thing was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being +discussed. + +"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't want any +disturbance made, at such a time; it might do your fine establishment +more harm than good; _but_, there is a person stopping in your house +that I have followed from Boston; I have kept my eye on his +movements(!); I know his designs, his practices, _well_; I'm on his +track--he dodged me last night, but I've found him--" + +"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing the +register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of the kind, sir?" +earnestly inquired the proprietor. + +"You keep _mum_, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel of the +landlord's coat--"I've got him _safe!_ Let him rest for awhile--I've got +him! Do you understand?" says the wag, winking a knowing, significant +_wink_ at the landlord. + +"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies the landlord. +"If there is a dangerous or disreputable person in my house, sir, I +would thank you to tell me, sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs +won't bite him, sir!" + +"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says A., in a low +tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have followed here, has made a +heavy _draw_ on one of our Boston banks, by means of certain checks and +certificates, and--" + +"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning to see his +guest in a more _dignified_ light, that of a splendid thief; so his +rigid frown, called in play by the supposition that a petty rascal was +on his premises, subsided into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with-- + +"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too _far_ before we're +sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth attending to; I'm not sure he's +_got_ the abstracted money about him; but when he settles with you, just +notice the size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer +handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially on the +Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I come," said A. + +"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord. + +"At the ----, Chestnut street," A. replies. + +"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a reward out, sir, +for this person?" says the landlord. + +"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. _Policy_, you see; he left in such a +hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in this crowd here in your city. +If he has the money, we'll make 'a spec,' you understand?" + +"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep a sharp look out +for him, and let you know the moment I find him fairly out." + +That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of ----'s Hotel, +the landlord was _about_, all in a _twitter_, with two policemen in the +distance, and sundry especial friends hanging about, to whom the +landlord had unbosomed the affair. All were anxiously watching the +result of the business. B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed +with "_documents_" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,--from which +institution he had _drawn_ a pile of funds, to invest in coal at +Richmond,--and no sooner did B. place an X, of the Traders' Bank, upon +the bar, than the excited landlord's eyes danced like shot on a hot +shovel, and giving the constables the _cue_, poor B. found himself +_waited upon_, in a brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the +landlord grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness that +completely mesmerized him. + +"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!" + +"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the grasp of the officers, +and reaching over for the landlord and his wallet--"what the thunder are +you about? Come, I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I +tell you, and hand back that wallet, Mister ----." + +But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation, of course, +and were about trotting him forth to the Mayor's office, when a well +known Anthracite merchant came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed, +explanation ensued, and the result was, that after poor B. got a little +reconciled to the _joke_, he joined issue with a laughing chorus at the +expense of the _sold_ landlord, who, in consideration of all hands +keeping _mum_, put the party through a course of juleps. + +I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular _moral_ to +this sketch. + + + + +Scientific Labor. + + +"Bob, what yer doing now?" + +"Aiding Nat'ral History." + +"Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?" + +"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail +up." + + + + +Who was that Poor Woman? + + +I do not know a feminine--from the piney woods of Maine to the +Neuces--so given to popularity, newspaper philippics, and city item +bombards, as Aunt Nabby Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and +doings of Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in +Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon--from funeral orations +to political caucusses--Temperance jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for +Aunt Nabby never allows _wind_, weather or subject, time, place or +occasion, to prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous +auditors, at times _snake her down_ or crowd her old straw bonnet, but +Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite attention of the "Reporters," +and shines in their notes, big as the biggest toad in the puddle. + +Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!--a perfect she-male Mike Walsh. She +will have her _say_, though a legion of constables stood at the door; +her principal _stand-point_ is the freedom of speech and woman's rights, +and she goes in tooth and nail _agin law_, Marshal Tukey, and the entire +race-root and rind of the Quincys--particularly strong! Aunt Nabby is +subject to a series, too tedious to mention, of "sells" by the _quid +nuncs_ and rapscallions of the day, and one of these "sells" is the pith +of my present paper. + +It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every fool within +five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen faces after the +Nightingale and her carriage wherever she went, from her bed-chamber to +her dinner table, from her drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took +Barnum and his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of +policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the Revere, and his +bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing pell-mell up stairs and +surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians. + +Now and then a desperate fellow got in--had an audience, grinned, backed +down and went his way, tickled as a dog with two tails. Others were +victimized by notes from Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary," +offering an interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and +racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern Joe Miller. +But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about as rich as the raciest, and will +bear rehearsing--easy. + +"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed, elderly +lady, to the two scant yards of starch and dickey behind Stephens' slab +of marble at the Revere. + +"Good morning, ma'am," responded the _clark_, who, not knowing exactly +who the lady was, _jerked_ down his well-oiled and brushed "wig and +whiskers" to the entire satisfaction of the matronly lady, who went on +to say-- + +"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir." + +"Guess she's engaged, ma'am." + +"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to call at 9 A. M. +to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time is quite precious; I called +precisely as desired; Miss Lind appointed the time; and----" + +"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the _clark_, with a flourish, +"if Miss Lind has invited you----" + +"Why, of course she has! Here's her--" + +"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume." + +The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang of +white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly lady was +marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of the Nightingale. + +Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding" on the right wing and +left breast of a lark, the leg of a canary, "a dozen fried" humming +bird eggs--her customary fodder of a morning. + +The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly lady was +admitted--the Nightingale, without disturbing the ample folds of her +camel's hair dressing-gown--a present from the Sultan of all the +Turkies, cost $3,000--motioned the matron to squat, and as soon as she +got her throat in talking order, said-- + +"Goot mornins." + +"How do you do?" responds the old lady. + +"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!" + +"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago." + +"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?--Well, it is goot for ze hels, eh?" + +"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I like to get up and be +stirring around." + +"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?" + +"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around. I-stir-the-monsters +(Miss Lind looks sharp) +who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-_of-woman!_ (The matron 'up' +and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine--Miss Lind drops her +eating tools--eyes of the two servants bulge out!) A-n-d +I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall (down with the +brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech (rush upon the brakes!), +a-a-n-d-put-me-down!" + +It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was getting +spoiled--she looked suspicious, and, just in time to prevent the female +orator--who was no other personage, of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom, +from ripping into a regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a +knock upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress and +appear to a fresh lot of bores--yclept the Mayor and his suit of +Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders. + +"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you will please come +again; once more, adieu--good mornins--adieu!" + +And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found herself bowed--half +way down stairs--into the hall, and clean out doors, before she caught +her breath to say another word upon the interminable subject of the +freedom of speech and woman's rights! + +But Aunt Nabby "blowed"--O! didn't she _blow_ to the various tea and +toast coteries, scandal and slang express women--and the various knots +of anxious crowds who stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania! +Aunt Nabby had had a genuine _tete-a-tete_ with the Nightingale--and, +ecod, an invitation to call again! But Jenny Lind, and her cordon of +sentinels, secretaries and suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl, +when again and again she beset the _clark_ and the stairways of the +Revere. Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully, she finally +caved in and kept away. + +When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to charitable purposes, +among the items set down in the list was--"A poor woman--_one hundred +dollars!_" + +"Why, it's you, of course," said a _quid-nunc_, to Aunt Abby, as she +held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in the store of Redding & Co., +and observed the interesting item above alluded to. + +"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a poor woman, and a +var-tuous woman, and a good and _true woman_ (down came her brakes on +the book piles), I'd like to know where--_where_, on this univarsal +_yearth_ (down with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to +a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must be the +person--yes, Abigail, _thou art the man!_" she concluded in her favorite +apothegm. + +The _quid_ gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who was to disburse +the Lind charities, and away went Abby to the Agent, who happened to be +an amateur joker; knowing Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the +old 'un that Mr. Somerby, of No. -- Cornhill, the joker of the Post, was +the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at nine o'clock. At that +hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured +Abby that there was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of +Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt Nabby, that he had +declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee +Blade, had the pile, and was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris +declared that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only, +poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be _the_ poor woman set forth in +Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't to be _done!_ She besieged +Miss Lind--followed her to the cars--mounted the platform--Jenny espied +her, and to avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's +rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the Nightingale +heard from the screech owl, was-- + +"Miss Jane Lind--who was that poor wom-a-n?" + + + + +Infirmities of Nature. + + +Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated +because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home +and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of +people, makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first time +he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the post-office, +that he called his friends together and put them through on woodcock. + + + + +Andrew Jackson and his Mother. + + +It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the +histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the decrees +of stern poverty, or an all-wise Providence--those facilities and +indulgences supposed to be so essentially necessary for the future +success and prosperous career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to +sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very vivid in the +early history of Andrew Jackson--a name that, like that of the great, +godlike Washington, must survive the wreck of matter, the crush of +worlds, and, passing down the vista of each successive age, brighter and +more glorious, unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have +obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to deal most +gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead. + +Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765, with his wife +and two boys--Hugh and Robert, both very young; they landed at +Charleston, S. C, where Jackson found employment as a laborer, and +continued to work thus for several years, until, possessed of a few +dollars, he went to the interior of the state and bought a small place +near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr., was born, and +during the next year--by the time the infant could lisp the name of his +parent--the father fell sick of fever and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with +three small children, in an almost wild country, where nothing but toil +of a severe and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed in +a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been a woman of no +ordinary temperament, courage, and perseverance, for she continued +cheerfully the work left her--rearing her boys, and preparing them for +the situations in life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was +a woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the rights and +liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave her boys their first +rudiments of an English education, but often indulged in glowing +lectures to them of the importance of instilling in their hearts and +principles an unrelenting war against pomp, power, and circumstance of +monarchical governments and institutions! She led them to know that they +were born free and equal with the best of earth, and that that position +was to be their heritage--maintained even at the peril of life and +property! and how well he learned these chivalric lessons, the +countrymen of Andrew Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified +in every page of his whole history. + +Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope and treasures; Hugh +and Robert were her main dependence in working their little farm, and +Andrew, never a very robust person, was early sent to the best schools +in the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to have him at +least educated for a profession--the ministry. This resolve was more +perhaps decided upon from the naturally stern, contemplative, and fixed +principles of young Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by +nature well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and in +which, even those young as himself, were called upon to take an active +part. This was in the days of the revolution, when the weak in numbers +of this continent were about to try the _experiment_ of living free and +independent, and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a +humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the point of the +bayonet. + +The British had begun the war--already had the echoes of "Bunker Hill," +and the smell of "villainous saltpetre," invaded and aroused the quiet +dwellers in the woods and wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric +spirit that has ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at +once responded to the tocsin of _liberty_. It was with no slight degree +of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she saw her two sons, +Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets and join the Spartan band that +assembled at Waxhaw Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave +up her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of the infant +nation. + +Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden, with a large +force, took the town of Camden, and began a desolation of the adjacent +country. Being apprised of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he +immediately dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company of +infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About forty men, +including the two boys Jackson, were attacked by these veterans of the +British army, but aided by their true courage, a good cause, and perfect +knowledge of the country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and +many of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the most +determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the great majority of +the opposing forces, did these patriots retreat, leaving many of their +friends dead upon their soil, and eleven of their number prisoners in +the hands of the British. It was during this fight that Andrew +Jackson--a mere lad--hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in +the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to take his +father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it was vain that the +parent restrained him, knowing the temperament of the boy, from this +dangerous determination; for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon +the brow of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn and +bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle. But his friends were +already flying, and hotly pursued by the enemy. Andrew met his brother +Robert, who informed him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the +two boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the woods, where +they lay until hunger drove them forth--they sought food at a farm +house, the owner of which proved to be a _tory_, and gave information to +some soldiers in the vicinity--the Jacksons were both captured and led +to prison. In the affray--for they yielded only by force--Robert was cut +on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer, and he died in +great agony in prison. It was here and then that the firm and manly +bearing of the boy was exhibited; for he stood his griefs and +imprisonment like a true hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his +enemies might be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his +allegiance to the cause of his country. + +"Here, _boy_, clean my boots!" said an officer to him. But the bright +defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with a look, and as he curled +his firm lips in scorn, he answered, + +"No, sir, I will _not!_" + +"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to your post, and skin +your back with a horse whip, if you do not clean my boots." + +"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy--"for I'll not stoop to clean the +boots of your master!" + +The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his head from the +blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and received a gash--the scar of +which went with him to the tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of +South Carolina, with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment of +Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a company of the British, +near Camden, and captured thirteen of them; these prisoners he exchanged +for seven of his countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners +of the enemy. Andrew hurried home--his poor old mother was upon her +death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of the Jackson family, and +suffering not only from the great multitude of grief consequent upon the +death of her heroic sons, but for want of the common necessaries of +life, the invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of +provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother, as she +beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside--she grasped his hand with +the firmness of a dying woman, and turning her eyes upon the now weeping +boy, said, + +"Andrew, I leave you,--son, you will soon be alone in the world; be +faithful, be true to God and your country--that--when--the--hour of +death approaches you--will have--nothing to--dread--every thing--to hope +for." + + * * * * * + +Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and but for the +constant and tender care of the old black nurse--the last of the Jackson +family--would have then passed away; he recovered--he was alone--not a +relative in the world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe, +could a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects" thrown +upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury, where he +entered the office of a famed lawyer--Spruce M'Cay--was admitted to the +bar in 1778--went to Tennessee--served as a soldier in the Indian wars +of 1783--chosen a Senator 1797--Major General in 1801--whipped the +British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans in 1815, and +triumphantly elected President of the United States for eight years in +1829. Andrew Jackson followed his mother's advice, and he not only +triumphed over his hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in +1845. + + + + +Snaking out Sturgeons. + + +We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the +following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:-- + +It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years +ago, and had a number of hands employed about a dam, and the sturgeons +were very numerous and extremely docile. They would frequently come +poking their noses close up to the men standing in the water, and one of +the men bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon was, +and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a clever-sized fish. +Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's shop, close at hand, he bends up +one end like a fish hook, and, slipping out into the stream, he slily +places the hook under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a +mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless fish, and +"yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element. But, "lordy," +wasn't he mistaken and surprised! The moment the hook touched the inside +of the sturgeon's mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and +forcibly as to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket. +The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going down stream, +before he mustered presence of mind enough to induce him to let go the +hook! + +However, the lookers-on of this curious man[oe]uvre took a boat and +fished out their half-drowned comrade, who concluded that he had paid +pretty dearly for his whistle. + +The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the laugh of the +above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some one offered to bet a hat that +he could hold a sturgeon and snake him clean out of the water; and as +the man who _had_ tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it, +he at once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for any man +in the crowd. + +The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator tucked up his +sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where a sturgeon or two were +lying off in the shallow water. Of course the operation now became a +matter of considerable interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty +fellow, able to hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his +bringing out _his_ sturgeon. + +After a long time the operator gets his hook under the sturgeon, and +leans forward to stick it close into the jaws of the victim; and no +sooner was that part of the feat accomplished, than Mr. Sturgeon "backs +out" with the velocity of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under +water and down stream! The man held on; and there they went, foaming and +pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath nearly out of his body; +his neck, arms, and legs just about dislocated, concluded to lose the +hat and let the hook and sturgeon go! + +Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting out of the +river, a convert to the first experimental idea of the strength and +velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon. + +Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some muscular power, +several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting on the sturgeons. + +Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two burly-built Paddys +volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity was not long waited for, +ere a jolly good elastic nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to +where the Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered, slippery +stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the man with the hook +planted it firmly into the suction hole of the fish, while his companion +held on to a rope fast to the hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson, +of course he was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the +other Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves! +This proved, or very nearly so, a serious _denouement_ to the +sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried clean and clear off +soundings, and so repeatedly immersed in deep water, that his life was +within an ace of being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last +(poor Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being dipped out +of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel until his insides were +emptied of the water, and heat restored through the influence of +whiskey, he recovered, and further experimenting on sturgeons, that +season, in the Kennebec, ceased. + + + + +Mixing Meanings--Mangling English. + + +There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down +on customers who don't speak proper. + +"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer. + +"_Eggs_, of course," says the dealer. + +"I mean--how do they _go_?" + +"Go?--where?" + +"Sho--!" says the customer, getting up his _fury_, "what for eggs?" + +"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer. + +"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says the customer. + +"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded the egg merchant. + +"What--is--the--price--per--dozen--for--your--eggs?" + +"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents per dozen, is the +price, sir!" They traded! + + + + +Waking up the Wrong Passenger. + + +In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean from his stock of +information, gathered South-west, a few incidents in the life of a +somewhat extensively famed Boston panoramic artist--one of which +incidents, at least, is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west +was beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring +outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi valley in +continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers" was one of the most +popular and profitable branches of the business pursuits of these +gentlemen freebooters, and, next to horse-stealing, was the most +practised. + +At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters, or land +pirates, more properly; forming themselves into committees, the citizens +opened _Court_ and practised Judge Lynch's _code_ upon a multitude of +just occasions. At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the +Mississippi, was no great shakes of a _town_, but a spot where a very +considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding quantity +of crime and desperate doings were enacted; indeed, some of the worst +scenes in Southern Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so +fell out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged in +levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point, and the +protective committee were on the alert to capture and administer the law +upon these fellows. It was discovered, one evening, as the shades of a +black and rather tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father +of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious _voyageur_, or sort +of piratical _vidette_, was seen in his light canoe, hugging the shore, +either for shelter or some insidious purpose. + +The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched; but the coming +storm and darkness soon closed observation, and the parties noticing the +transaction hurried forward to the _Point_, and announced one or more of +the land pirates in the neighborhood! Of course, the town--of some four +houses, six "groceries," a _store_ and blacksmithery--was aroused, +indignant! Impatient for a victim, the _posse comitatus_ "fired up," +armed to the teeth with pistol, bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife, +and--whiskey, started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the +pirate and his crew. + +Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles, was +carefully--as much so as the darkness would admit--scoured. The +Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled in the azure-arched +heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver moon beamed forth, and +suddenly one of the vigilant committee espies the land-pirate and his +canoe noiselessly floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be +lost; the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his being the +first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade, and the two hurried +back to the Point, to get a canoe and start out to capture the enemy. +The canoe was obtained, three courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the +saying goes, paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for +right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy! Where was the +pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his frail vessel; either asleep, or +"playing possum." At all events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a +brief period to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm +seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and throat, with +such a rush and fierceness that both canoes were upon the apex of +"swamping." + +"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case for eels, you thief!" + +"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second. + +"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum, or you're +giblets, instanter!" + +But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even had the +captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the power nor opportunity +to move a limb. + +"Haul him out," cried one. + +"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now, you skunk, lay +still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you on sight!" + +Having transferred the body of the captive from his "own canoe" to +theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the stranger's _dug-out_, and then +paddled for the landing. The pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the +_wharf-boat_, and left under guard of one of the captors--a dreadful +ugly-looking customer, a _cross_ between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife, +and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal to an arsenal--while +the other two went up to the nearest "grocery," reported the capture, +took a drink, and sent out word for _Court_ to meet. The poor victim was +deposited on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind +him. Recovering his scattered senses, the _pirate_ "waked up." + +"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard, who sat on +an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol in his hand, "what's all this +about?" + +"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd. You'll know what's +up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!" + +"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the captive. "But all +I want to know, is--am I to be robbed, killed off, or only initiated +into the mysteries of your craft?" + +"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give you a settler!" +was the reply. + +[Illustration: "Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you +a settler!--_Page_ 305.] + +"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied the but little +daunted captive. "One thing consoling I glean, my virtuous friend, from +your scraps of information--you are not a pirate yourself, or in favor +of that science! But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and +what the deuce I'm here for." + +"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes the _Court_, +and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin' at the wind, pooty +soon; you kin stake your pile on that!" + +And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a dozen +well-_stimulated_ citizens, and strangers about the Point, came rushing +and yelling on to the wharf-boat and were quite as immediately gathered +around the captive. The first impulse of the _posse comitatus_ appeared +to manifest itself in a desire to hang the victim--straight up! A second +(how _sober_ we know not) thought induced them to ask a question or two, +and for this purpose the presiding _judge_ drew up before the still +prostrate captive, and said-- + +"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?" + +The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner turned his +face towards the _judge_, and replied-- + +"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I would like to know, +however, what all this means!" + +"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the _judge_. + +"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any, neighbor; navigation +never engrossed a great deal of my attention, but I get along down here +very well--without a crew!" + +"You do?" responded the _judge_; "well, we're going to hang you up." + +"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have always been opposed to +capital punishment, neighbor, and I know it would be unpleasant to me +now!" + +The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the _Court_, and says the +_judge_-- + +"Who are you, and where are you from?" + +"My name is Banvard--John Banvard, from Boston!" + +"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?" + +"_Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all._" + +The _Court_ adjourned _sine die_; the clever artist was untied, treated +to the best the market afforded, that night; his canoe, rifle, &c., +restored next day, and John went on his way rejoicing in his narrow +escape--finished his sketches, and the first great panorama "got up" in +our country, and which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it +in America. + + + + +Genius for Business. + + +It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a +customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a +Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card +and needle cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around," +and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?" was propounded, +he responded-- + +"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual orbs _lit_ upon +a profusion of well-known matters in domestic economy, for the +abrogation of certain parasitic insects. + +"Haven't any card cases, mum,--_got some elegant ivory small-tooth +combs!_" + + + + +Have You Got Any Old Boots? + + +No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is +the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and +_fluid_ have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no +longer bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and suds, as of +yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled dimities and dickeys. +Another and more important matter, from the extent of its obnoxiousness +to our nerves and temper, has come home to our very threshold and +hearths, to disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace. + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking, +back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time and care-worn _boots_. +The old boot gatherers were almost as diverting as novel to me, when I +first located in Boston; but I have long since learned to hate and abhor +them, and their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work, +and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm. + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +How often--a hundred times at least, have I gone to the door and heard +this inquiry--ten times in one day, for I kept count of it, and used +enough "strong language" at each shutting--banging to of the door, to +last a "first officer" through a gale of wind. + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee, or morning +paper--just as you had got into a deeply interesting bit of information +on "breadstuff's," California, or the Queen's last baby, to open your +door, and espy a grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle, +just rearing his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled leather, +and meekly asking-- + +"_Have yez got any ole boots?_" + +These _collectors_ are of course prepared for any amount of explosive +_gas_ you may shower down upon their uncombed crowns, as the cool and +perfectly-at-home manner they descend your steps to mount those of your +next-door neighbor plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and-- + +"_Have you got any ole boots?_" + +Drove my respected--middle-aged friend Mansfield--clear out of town! Mr. +Mansfield was a _retired_ flour merchant; he was not rich, but well to +do in the world. He had no children of his own, in lieu of which, +however, he had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two orphans +of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old enough to be +_devilish_ and mightily inclined that way. The boy's name was Philip, +the foster father he called Uncle Henry, and not long after arriving in +town, and opening house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield--who was given +to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading--found that he was likely +to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers, pedlers and old boot +collectors. + +Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness of an +experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction to his soul that, +however harrowing-- + +"_Got any ole boots to-day?_" + +might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear and finally get +used to it, as other people did. But Uncle Henry possessed an irritable +and excitable temperament, that not one man in ten thousand could boast +of, and hence he grew--at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite +meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his bell, and +proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and rubbers, or make the +never-to-be-forgotten inquiry-- + +"_Have you got any ole boots to-day?_" + +Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal wife not +permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry, or Master Philip, were +obliged to wait on the door. The old gentleman finally concluded that +the pedlers and old boot collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement +than profit or concern--gave him a call. And laboring under this +impression, Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as he called +them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence and his worked up +ire. + +"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after breakfast, "we'll fix +these-- + +"'_Got any ole boots?_' + +"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect soon, I'll warrant +them. Bring me the hammer and nails; that's a man; now get uncle the +high chair; so, that's it; now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of +the door, on a pivot--bore this hole through here--put the string +through that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the +scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's bells, clean +out by the very roots, making us drop all, to come wait on them, rot +them-- + +"'_Got any ole boots?_' + +"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give you a dose of +something you won't forget, to your dying day." + +And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving shelf, over +his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked away at his trap. Like that of most +dwellings in Boston, Uncle Henry's front door was _sunk_ some six or +eight feet into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six +granite steps--side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way, +with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood not _plebeian_ +enough to induce butcher boys to enter the hall, with the pork and +potatoes, nor admit of the servant girl heaving "slops" out of the +front windows; yet not sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and + +"_Got any ole boots?_" + +with aristocratic or "respectable" _awe_, ere venturing to mount the +steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap iron, rags and old +leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to _chuckle_ in his sleeves at the +_ruse_ he would be enabled to give his tormentors through the agency of +his revolving battery--charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to +be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the inside. +Philly was duly initiated into the _modus operandi_; when-- + +"_Got any ole boots?_" + +made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a pedler's wagon +was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was to be on the _qui vive_, inform +Uncle Henry, and if they mounted the steps, he would give them a shower +bath upon a new and astonishing principle. + +It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled at the idea, and +readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions. Not long after arranging +the "infernal machine," Uncle Henry's attention was called to another +part of the house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a +strange cat had pounced upon the cage--the door flew open, and puss +nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the look out, in front, discovers +two old boot men approaching the neighborhood; desirous of showing his +own skill, he did not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the +door--string in hand, awaiting the _cue_. Feet approach--quickly the +feet mount the steps. + +"_Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!_" + +"_Sh-i-i-s-swashe!_" and down comes the avalanche of coal dust and +refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement! + +Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the penny postman +covered from head to foot with the obnoxious composition! Philly took +occasion to make a sudden exit, the postman swore--swore like a trooper, +but Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon the "devilish +boy"--brushed the postman's clothes, and after some effort, so mollified +him as to induce the sufferer to depart in peace. Uncle Henry _tried_ to +be very severe on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that +the old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly cleared the +steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the trap, admonishing Philly +not to dare to meddle with it again, but call him when-- + +"_Got any ole boots?_" made their appearance. + +All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had business down town, +and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly was at school, but got home before +Uncle Henry, and seeing the pedler wagon near the door--slipped in, and +learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took charge of the +battery again. Now, just as the pedler mounted the steps of the next +door, Mr. Mansfield sees him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the +watch for the pedler. Philly had been peeking out the corner of the side +curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought, right up the +steps--nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry caught the knob of the +door--down came thundering the brick dust and charcoal both, in the most +elegant profusion. + +Phil was _tricked_. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal to that of a +drunken beggar--the trap was removed, Uncle Henry got disgusted with +city life, and left--for rural retirement, without as much as giving one +single rebuke to-- + +"_Got any ole boots to-day?_" + + + + +The Vagaries of Nature. + + +Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny moods, as well as +all her children. Now she gets up a stone bridge, the gigantic +proportions and the symmetrical development of which attract great +attention from all tourists and historians who venture into or speak of +"old Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels of Mother +Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently and alone, a stupendous +under-ground palace, that laughs to scorn the puny efforts of man in +that branch of business. She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of +salt, great granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out +figure-heads, old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire, +and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson, that win wonder and +delight from the floating million. Instances out of all number might be +raked up, home and abroad, to show how the old dame has cut _didoes_ in +the prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it would seem, +nature has taken most especial pains to appear slightly ridiculous or +very eccentric. + +Old Captain Rocksalt informs us--and there is always wit, wisdom, and +truth in the old man's stories--that he made voyages to Australia many +times within the past thirty years, and having visited about all the +sea-ports of the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his +notes are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named _Botany +Bay_, the name originating from the fact that the land was covered with +a luxurious growth of Botanical specimens. The Dutch discovered and +named _Van Diemen's Land_. The English at once concluded to make Botany +Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of criminals and +soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number, in 1788; but Capt. Phillip, +the commander of the fleet, being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany +Bay, hunted up a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was +cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried, "Land +ho!" + +Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it took him some time +to "tumble up" on deck. + +"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser. + +"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and, sure enough, a long, +faint streak of land was visible from deck. The "lookout" announced a +harbor, head-lands, &c.; but the rum old captain, not being able to see +any such indication, with a chuckle, says he-- + +"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a port, you powder +monkey--_Port Jackson!_" + +And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became sponsor to the finest harbor +in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip, upon rediscovering the harbor, took +his fleet into it, and then and there began the now flourishing city of +Sydney. + +Australia is an Island, lying opposite another--New Zealand. It is on +the Indian Ocean, south side, while the east opens to the Pacific. +Australia claims to contain a superficial area of over three million +square miles, part desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of +the finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the soil +light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and fine sand, and make +ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar to the country. Sheep-grazing, +wool-growing, and boiling down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great +business of the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when +the _gold fever_ swept the land. + +Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black cannibals of the +ugliest description; but at this day not a hundred of them remain. The +natives were exceeding stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as +Capt. Rocksalt observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not +very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they determined to +get rid of them as fast and easy as possible. For this purpose, they +used to gather a horde of them together, and give them poisoned bread +and rum, and so kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of +_practice_, but the _ends_ seemed to justify the _means_. + +Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt, _discovered_ +years ago; but not in quantities to lead the ignorant to believe money +could be made hunting it. People may be stupid; but it requires a far +greener capacity than most of them would confess to--at least, ten years +ago--to make them believe gold could be picked up in chunks out in the +open fields. + +But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first; and then by far +better people; though the very worst felons sent out often became decent +and respectable men, which is indeed a great "puff," we think, for the +healthfulness of the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to +bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the watch-makers, +and as he refused to say where or how he got them, it was suspicioned +that he had secreted guineas or jewelry somewhere, and occasionally +melted them for sale. + +However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously, all over +Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere. The rocks, ledges, bars, +gullies, and river-banks, which were daily familiar to the eyes of +thousands, all of a sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame +Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun and uproar--the +scrabble and rush she had caused in her vast household. + +"It did beat _all!_" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight hours +Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip nearly desolate, while the +interior villages or towns--Bathurst, &c., were run clean out!" + +Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines, and the +proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped work and put out; +servants left without winking, leaving people to wait on themselves; +doctors left what few patients they had, and bolted for the fields of +Ophir; lawyers packed up and cut stick, following their clients and +victims to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers +became so short-handed that dailies were knocked into weeklies, and the +weeklies into cocked hats, or something near it--mere eight-by-ten +"handbills." + +These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a revolution in men, +manners, and things. As we said before, Australia was the very apex of +singularities in the way of Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the +gold mania broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and +miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen as full +of caprice as the land they were living in. + +"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day comes in the middle of +our nights! When we're turning in at home, they are turning out in +Australia. Summer begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms +they get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are getting used +to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays, they are roasting with +heat, and going around in linen jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is +full of flowers of every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to +look at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so many dried +chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black. The few animals in the +country are all provided with pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in +which to stow their young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really +appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was completely taken +down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of the finest pears you ever saw. +Myself and a friend were up the country, and I sees a fine pear tree, +breaking down with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw. + +"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears as I've seen +these twenty years!' + +"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the country; 'perhaps you +would like to try a few?' + +"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a few, and it was a +job to get them down, I tell you; and when I had one between my teeth I +gave it a nip--see there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain, +showing us the fact; "the fine pears _were mere wood!_ + +"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they are dumb as +beetles, sir--never heard a bird sing or whistle a note in Australia. +The trees make no shade, the leaves hang from the stems edge up, and +look just as if they had been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and +you rarely see a tree with a bit of bark on it. + +"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir--fine cherries, +plenty of them, but the _stones were all on the outside!_ The bees have +no stings, the snakes no fangs, and the eagles are all white. The north +wind is hot, the south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in +Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the longest in +winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin to tell you how many +curious didoes nature seems to cut, in that country; but, altogether, +it's one of the queerest countries I ever did see, by ginger!" + +And we have come to the conclusion--it is. If the gold continues to +"turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets" as recently reported, Australia +is bound to be the richest and most densely populated, as well as +_queerest_ country known to man. + + + + +A General Disquisition on "Hinges." + + +Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of _Down East_, +enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the purpose of +"looking around," or _dicker_ a little? They are "coons," they are, upon +all such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the store of a +friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently. He was a full bloom +_Yankee_--it stuck out all over him. He sauntered into the store, as +unconcerned, quietly, and familiarly, as though in no great hurry about +anything in particular, and killing time, for his own amusement. +Absalom, Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever else his +name may have been, wore a very large fur cap, upon a very small and +close-cut head; his features were mightily pinched up; there was a +cunning expression about the corner of his eyes, not unlike the +embodiment of--"catch a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his +mouth, thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen, +calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a frightened +locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack coat, fitting him all over, +similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle, was pouched out at the pockets +with any quantity of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots, +pamphlets and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico, candy, &c. +His vest was short, but that deficiency was made up in superfluity of +_dickey_, and a profusion of sorrel whiskers. Having got into the store, +he very leisurely walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and +minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him: + +"What can we do for you to-day, sir?" + +Looking _quarteringly_ at the clerk for about two full minutes, says +he-- + +"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do." + +"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring to an +article the "customer" had just been gazing at with evident interest. + +"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes. + +"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed another pause; +the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep into his trowsers' pockets, and +viewing the hinges at a respectful distance, in profound calculation, +three minutes full. + +"They be, eh?" he at length responded. + +"Yes, sir, _warranted_," replied the clerk. Another long pause. The +Yankee approached the hinges, two steps--picks up a bundle of the +article, looks knowingly at them two minutes-- + +"Yeou don't say so?" + +"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather pertly, as he +moves off to wait upon another customer, who bought some eight or ten +dollars' worth of cutlery and tools, paid for them, and cleared out, +while our Yankee genius was still reconnoitering the hinges. + +"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee. + +"In England, sir," replied the clerk. + +"Not in _Neuw_ England, I'll bet a fo'pence!" + +"No, not here--in Europe." + +"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!" + +"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them," said the clerk. + +"I've seen _hinges_ made in _aour_ place, better'n them." + +"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered the clerk. + +"I 'spect you have; I don't call _them_ anything great, no how!" + +"Well, here's a better article; better hinges--" + +"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting the clerk, "but +they're small hinges." + +"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches." + +"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the clerk again left him +and the hinges, to wait on another customer, who bought a keg of nails, +&c., and left. + +"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued the Yankee, after +musing to himself for twenty minutes, _full_. + +"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk. + +"How's them brass 'uns work?" + +"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk. + +"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?" + +"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways." + +"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered, I guess, a +very neuw invenshun?" + +"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk. + +"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?" + +"Never," candidly responded the clerk. + +"Well, I _hev_," resolutely echoed the Yankee. + +"You have, eh?" + +"E' yes, plenty on 'em--eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout there that +never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!" + +"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind the times as +that," said the clerk. + +"It's a _fact_--dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like that," +continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there, nigh on to a year; +couldn't stand it--" + +"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk. + +"No, _sir_; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks air almighty +green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on 'em; when they get mighty +old and bald-headed, they stop and die off, of their own accord." + +"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk. + +"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague sweetens 'em, I tell +you. O, it's dreadful, fever and ague is!" + +"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk. + +"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water, kind o' went +agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin', cursin', and swearin', +pitchin' apple cores and corn at the master, that didn't exactly suit +me. Finally, one day, at last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I +got the fever and agy so _bad_, that they shook daown the school-house +chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots, with the +_agy_--so I packed up and _slid!_" + +The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh customer, the +Yankee was left to his meditations and survey. Having some twenty more +minutes to walk around the store, and examine the stock, he brought up +opposite the clerk, who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff, +for a carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again. + +"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?" + +"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk. + +"Them Illinoi folks haven't no _idee_ what a place this Boston is; they +haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things towards civilization, but +'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!" + +"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up after a while, I +guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to examine any other sort of +hinges, sir?" he continued. + +"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?" + +"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel, copper, plated, +&c. These are fine for parlor doors, &c.," said the clerk. + +"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale silver. I 'spect +them cost somethin'?" + +"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got them as low as +you can buy them in the market." + +"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee. + +"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk. + +"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee. + +"Yes; what _priced_ hinges did you require?" + +"What priced hinges?--" + +"Exactly! Tell me what you require them _for_, and I can soon come at +the _sort_ of hinges you require," said the clerk, making an effort to +come to a climax. + +"Who said _I_ wanted any hinges?" + +"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to buy hinges?" + +"Buy hinges? Why, _no;_ I don't want nothin'; _I only came in to look +areound!_" + +Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped out, leaving the +poor clerk--quite flabbergasted! + + + + +Miseries of Bachelorhood. + + +Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes +to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the +grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that +frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going +convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and we think we +"smell something," as the fellow said when his shirt took fire. + + + + +The Science of "Diddling." + + +Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial down, as traces of +them are found in all ancient and modern history, from the Bible to +Shakspeare, from Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron, +who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and--vanished. Diddler is +derived from the word _diddle_, to _do_--every body who has not yet made +his debut to the Elephant. We believe the word has escaped the attention +of the ancient lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more +durable "Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation, or present +sense. + +A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in _fact_, one of your first-class vagabonds; a +fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent parents, while they were in +easy circumstances. Trained up to despise labor, not capacitated by +nature or inclination to pass current in a profession, he finds himself +at twenty possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a few +friends, and--no visible means of support. There are but two ways about +it--take to the highway, or become a Diddler--a sponge--and, like +woodcock, live on "suction." The early part of a Diddler's life is +chiefly spent among the ladies;--they being strongly susceptible of +flattering attentions, especially those of "a nice young man," your +Diddler lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's +"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician--an old Hunker; +attends caucusses and conventions, dinners and inaugurations. Never +aspiring to matrimony among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never +hoping for office under government, he never gets any; and when, at +last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a white +neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his ears, and, dressed +in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit of sable, he jines church and +turns "old fogie," carries around the plate, does chores for the parson, +becomes generally useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles +off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in the most +becoming manner. + +Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful practice of a +respectable Diddler. New York affords them a very fair scope for +operation, but of all the American cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's +paradise! The mobile state of society, the fluctuations of men and +business, the impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for +any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for the exercise +of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He dines almost sumptuously +at the daily lunches set at the splendid drinking saloons and _cafes_, +he lives for a month at a time on the various upward-bound steamboats. +In New Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati or +Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"--positively; Diddler +knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers and baggage hurried on, and the +steamer keeps _going_ for two to five days before she's gone; so he +comes on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets his +state-room and board among the crowd of _real_ passengers, up to the +hour of the boat's shoving out, then he--slips ashore, and points his +boots to another boat. Many's the Diddler who's passed a whole season +thus, dead-heading it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes +the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a mere Diddler, +which is morally bad enough; he comes in contact with professional +gamblers, plunges into the most pernicious and abominable of +vices--gambles, cheats, swindles, and finally, as a grand tableau to his +utter damnation here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a +crowbar--or commits murder. + + + + +The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story. + + "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to + my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast + all my sins behind thy back."--Isaiah. + + +A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his breeches pocket, and +the fingers of the other drumming a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the +window glass of an elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage +I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space of a few +moments. The facts of my story are commonplace, and thereby the more +probable. The names of the dramatis personae I shall introduce, will be +the _only_ part of my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described +old gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub upon the +window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool. To elucidate the matter +more clearly, I would beg leave to say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though +now a wealthy and retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance" +of fortune around him, could--if he chose--well recollect the day when +his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten, as he plodded +through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts farmer, for whom he +acted in early life the trifling character of a "cow boy." + +Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the vain heart of a +proud millionaire, such reflections seldom come to the surface. Like +hundreds of other instances in the history of our countrymen, by a +prolonged life of enterprise and good luck, Joel Newschool found +himself, at the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy +man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a large family. Having +served an apprenticeship to farming, he allowed but a brief space to +elapse between his freedom suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel +and his young and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter +purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old and wealthy. +In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool, fortune made but slight +alteration; but the accumulation of dollars and exalted privileges that +follow wealth, had wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her +husband. + +The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye, seemed to improve +the ocular views of Joel Newschool amazingly, for he had been enabled in +his late years to see that a vast difference of _caste_ existed between +those that tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the +jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators of such +operations. He no longer groped in the darkness of men who believed in +such fallacies as that wealth gave man no superiority over honest +poverty! In short, Mr. Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions +and ostentatious feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy of the +nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet felt little or none +of that happiness that the bare-footed, merry cow boy enjoyed in the +stubble field. But such is man. + +With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy and station +claim, the retired merchant was not a happy man. Though his expensive +carriage and liveried driver were seen to roll him regularly to the +majestic church upon the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to +the massive organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's +devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed not his +neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there was at his heart a pang +that turned to lees the essence of his life. + +Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters, men and women +around him; they all married and left his roof for their own. One, a +favorite child, a daughter, a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the +father's heart had set its fondest seal--she it was that the hand of +Providence ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire. +Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses of nature, had for +her husband sought "a _man_, not a money chest," and this circumstance +had made Cecelia a severed member of the Newschool family, who could +not, in the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable +condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound _them_ to the wife of a +poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or integrity as a man. + +Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart of Cecelia, and +she repaid his pains with the full gift of a happy wife. She counted not +his worldly prospects, but yielded all to his constancy. She wished for +nothing but his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her, +she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the sunny future. + +The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one. Loving and +beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous home and ties of +kindred. But not so the proud father and the patient mother, the haughty +sisters and brothers; they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that +bitterness of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when we will +strive to stifle the better parts of our natures. + +Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly passed and gone. +Though this little space of time made little or no change in the +families of the proud and indolent relatives, it brought many changes in +the eventful life of the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little +babes nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention of +the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and admiration of all Europe +and America. + +This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the haughty relatives. +Now ashamed of their petty, poor, contemptible arrogance, they could not +in their hearts find space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity +with which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the young +mechanic. + +It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling and whistling +through the trees on the Common; the dead leaves were dropping seared +and yellow to the earth, admonishing the old gentleman whom we left +drumming upon the window, that-- + + "_Such was life!_" + +The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window pane with a dreary +_sotto voce_ accompaniment for some minutes, when he was interrupted by +an aged, pious-looking matron, who dropped her spectacles across the +book in her lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said-- + +"Joel." + +"Umph?" responded the old gentleman. + +"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving day, should we live +to see to-morrow." + +"He has," responded Mr. Newschool. + +"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God we are, for the +blessings, and prosperity, and long life vouchsafed to us, by a good and +benevolent Almighty." + +"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I know, I feel all +this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it." + +"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow we shall, +God permitting, be with our children and friends once again, together." + +"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband. + +"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the exclusion of our +own child, Cecelia, from the family re-unions, from joining us in +returning thanks to God for his mercy and preservation of us, is cruel +and offensive to Him we deign to render up our prayers." + +"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with you in this, you +have but anticipated my feelings in the matter. I have long fought +against my better feelings and offended a discriminating God, I know. +Ashamed to confess my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely +confess an altered feeling and better determination." + +"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband join with us +to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just God and kind Providence." + +"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone relieved from +my heart. I wish it done." + +Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had been held in the +paternal mansion of the Newschools, since Cecelia had left it for the +humble home of the poor artizan. But their several re-unions were +clouded, gloomy, unsocial affairs; there was a gap in the social circle +of the Newschool family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all +felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke blessings +on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and blood; it was hard to +return thanks for those dear ones present, and _wonder_ whether the +absent and equally dear had aught to be thankful for, whether instead of +health and comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty, and +despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude upon the mind, the +soul, are not likely to make merry meetings. And such was the position +and nature of the re-union upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the +Newschool mansion. But better feelings were at work, and a happy change +was at hand. + +Several carriages had already drove up to the door of Mr. Newschool, +Sen., and let down the different branches of the Newschool family. A +brighter appearance seemed gathering over the household than was usual +of late on Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party +came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation given, +and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and her husband would join the +family circle that day, in their re-union. + +The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away their pride, and +greet their sister as became Christian and sensible women. The brothers, +chagrined at the unmanliness of their conduct, now gladly joined their +approval of what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the +clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a pretty, smiling +young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable, neat attire, ascended the +large stone steps of the Newschool mansion, with a light and graceful +step, bearing a sleeping child in her arms. + +Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms of her old mother; +the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole family party were bountifully +showered upon poor Cecelia, and her sweet little daughter. Imagination +may always better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe +it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature, when thus long pent, +bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises of the pen before it, like +snow-flakes before the mighty mountain avalanche. + +Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their Thanksgiving +dinner. + +Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to the throne of +grace, expressed the day the happiest one of his long life. Quickly flew +the hours by, and as the shades of evening gathered around, Francis +Fairway was announced with a carriage for his wife's return home. +Francis Fairway, the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious of +his own position and merits, and scorned any base means to conciliate +the favor and patronage of his superiors in rank, birth, or education. +His deportment to the Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met +it with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did them honor. +Francis met a generous welcome, and the evening of Thanksgiving day was +spent in a happy re-union indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's +return home, she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child, +bearing this inscription-- + + "Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-." + +The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite Bank of Boston, +and which were duly placed in the old Bank fire-proof, to the account of +the little heir, the enterprise of the artizan having placed him above +the necessity of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the +grandchild. + + + + +Cabbage vs. Men. + + +Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and +praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden +sass! Says brother Theodore, "You don't cast garden-seed in the mire, +over the rough broken ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig, +level, rake, and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water, +you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables--why +would you do less for the material man?" Pre-cisely! we pause for an +answer, proposals received from the learned--until we go to press. + + + + +Wanted--A Young Man from the Country. + + +All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young men who have been +bred for the counter or desk, and thousands of these genteel young gents +find it any thing but an easy matter to find bread or situations half +their time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An +advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a clerk or +salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred needy and greedy +applicants, in the course of a morning! In New York, where a vast number +of these misguided young men are "manufactured," and continue to be +manufactured by the regiment, for an already surfeited market, there are +wretches who practise upon these innocent victims of perverted +usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood. + +By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods dealer, the proprietor +of one of those agencies for procuring situations for young men, +_victims_ of misplaced confidence are put through at five to ten dollars +each, somewhat after this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency, +advertises for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten +waiters, &c., &c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car and stage, +running into New York, brings in a fresh importation of young men from +the country, all fitted out in the knowledge box for salesmen, +book-keepers and clerk-ships,--every morning, a new set are offered to +be taken in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars for +obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount, and is sent to +Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods shop; he has got through with +a victim of yesterday, and is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day; +for he makes it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor, +vexatious man[oe]uvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty come +back next day, and if they do--_he don't want them!_ If the unsuspecting +victim returns to the "Agency," he is lectured roundly for his +incapacity or want of _energy!_--and advised to return to the country +and recuperate. + +Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of Sniffensville +Academy, and having many unmistakable longings for becoming a Merchant +Prince, and seeing sights in a city; and having read an account of the +great fortunes piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless +country boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and came +right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers that clerks, +salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted, dreadfully--"young men +from the country preferred"--so he called on the _suffering_ agent for +the public, and paying down his _fee_, was sent off to an _Importing +House_, on ---- street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah +found his idea of an _Importing House_ knocked into a disarranged +chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case," a large and luminous +_store_, filled up with paper boxes and sham bundles; while gaudily +festooned, were any quantity of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes, +and innumerable other tuppenny affairs. + +Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing and jobbing +house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle, heavy-bearded, shaved and +starched genus, of six-and-thirty, more or less; and received Jeremiah +with a rather patronizing survey _personelle_, and opened the engagement +with a few remarks. + +"From the country, are you?" + +"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak, State of New +Hampshire." + +"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are better trained," +said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance, honest frugality, and the +duties of a Christian man. I was brought up in the country myself. I've +made myself; carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir, +give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried them, I know +what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke near enough the truth to be +partly true, for he _had_ "tried them;" he averaged some fifty-two +clerks and an equal number of _salesmen_--yearly. + +Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary manner in which +Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was pleased to review the country and its +institutions. + +"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah. + +"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three dollars a week the +first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,) and three per cent. on the +sales they make the second year." + +By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the conclusion that +the _first_ year wouldn't add much to his pecuniary elevation, whatever +the second did with its three per cents. But he was bound to try it on, +anyhow. + +"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon----" + +"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man. + +"Ah, yes, Thomas--_pshaw!_--Jediah, I would say," continued Cheatum, +correcting himself-- + +"Jeremiah--Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps. + +"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in course of +business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names confused. Well, +Jeremiah, in the first place, you must learn to please the customers; +you must always be lively and spry, and never give an offensive answer. +Many women and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the +remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to one's +patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no possible means of +telling a woman who _shops_ for pastime, from one who shops in earnest; +so you must be careful, be polite, be lively and spry, and never let a +person _go_ without making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a +person asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them try +something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny calico, or six-penny +delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am, _beautifully_; I've tried them, or +seen them tried;' and if they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real +_Shaker flannels_? or the ninepence hose _all merino_?' better not +contradict them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried, know +they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the various questions that +may be asked," said Cheatum. + +"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand." + +"And, William----" + +"Jeremiah, sir, if you please." + +"Oh, yes; well, Jediah--Jeremiah, I would say--when you make change, +never take a ten cent piece and two cents for a shilling, but give it as +often as practicable; look out for the fractions in adding up, and +beware of crossed six-pences, smooth shillings, and what are called +Bungtown coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis. + +"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all _that_," said Jeremiah. + +"And, Jeems--pshaw!--Jacob--Jeremiah! I would say, in measuring, always +put your thumb _so_, and when you move the yardstick forward, shove your +thumb an inch or so _back_; in measuring _close_ you may manage to +squeeze out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand? And +always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered folks don't +slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves or hose, or a piece of goods, +up their sleeves, in their bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be +careful, Henry--Jeems, I should say," said Cheatum. + +Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work. The first customer he +had was a little girl, who bought a yard of ribbon for ninepence, and +Jeremiah not only stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard, +but made twelve cents go for a ninepence, which _feat_ brought down the +vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch woman, who +"tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His next adventure was the sale +of a dress pattern of sixpenny de-laine, which he _warranted_ to contain +all the perfections known to the best article, and in dashing his +vigorous scissors through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a +dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them all into +slitters! The young woman who took the dress pattern, upon reaching +home, found it contained but eight yards, when she paid for nine. She +came back, and Jeremiah Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny +calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back, and an old lady +with it; the colors and starch were all out, by dipping it in water, and +the woman went on so that Cheatum was glad to refund her money to get +rid of her. Two dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own +diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and tongue, he hauled +down and exhibited Cheatum's entire stock; the girls then were leaving, +saying they would "call again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do, +ladies, do; call again, _like to secure your custom!_" The young ladies +took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr. Bumps, and +nothing short of his humble apologies saved him from enraged cowhides! +Jeremiah saw a suspicious woman enter the store, and after overhauling a +box of gloves, he thought he saw her _pocket a pair_. He intercepted the +lady as she was going out--he grabbed her by the pocket--the lady +resisted--Jeremiah held on--the lady fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly +tore her dress off in pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the +wife of a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another +store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100, and sent to the +House of Correction for sixty days. + +How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put through since, we +know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now engaged in the practical science of +agriculture, and shudders at the idea of a young man from the country +being _wanted_ in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the elephant +that he _observed--in Boston_. + + + + +Presence of Mind. + + +Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing +for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and +hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and +slender enough to crawl through a greased _fleute_,--to use a yankeeism. + +Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, was suddenly +"indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, quite stupefied from the +effect of the deadly poisons retailed in the numerous groggeries that +really swarm near the Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport--a +gentleman who has reached a most honorable position in his profession by +sobriety and talent--was substituted for the indisposed _Shylock_, and +the play went on. + +In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the house" by his +vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and hungry aspirations for the pound +of flesh! One of the b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got +quite worked up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked +his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence of +mind,--our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of flesh,--roars +out;-- + +"S'ay, look a' here,--_why don't you give skinny de meat, don't you see +he wants it, sa-a-a-y!_" + +We very naturally infer that "the piece" _went off with a rush!_ + + + + +The Skipper's Schooner. + + +No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, can be found, +imagined or described, than the skippers of along shore, from +Connecticut river to Eastport, Maine. These critters give full scope to +the Hills and Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and +Falconbridges of the press, to embody and sketch out in the broadest +possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these "tarnal critters," it is +my purpose to draw on for my brief sketch, and I wish my readers to do +me the credit to believe that for little or no portion of my yarn or +language am I indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are +real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject. + +Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east smack or +schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes, I believe, rounded off +Cape Ann light, and owing to head winds, or some other perversity of a +nautical nature, could no further go; so the skipper and his crew--one +man, green as catnip--made for an anchorage, and hove the "hull consarn" +to. Here they lay, and tossed and chafed, at their moorings, for a day +or two, without the slightest indication on the part of the weather to +abate the nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his little +"dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions to keep all +fast, he pulled off to shore to take a look around. + +Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time after the +departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind sprang up, and not only +blew great guns, but chopped up a short, heavy sea, perfectly +astonishing and alarming to Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and +pitching schooner. It was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this +sort of reeling and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon +discomboberated his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and dancing +motion--better conceived by those who have seen the sea elephant than +described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick, so sick he could not budge from the +stern sheets, where he had taken a squat in the early commencement of +his difficulties. In the mean time, the skipper came down to the beach +and hailed the victim: + +"Hel-LO! hel-LO!" + +Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward, where stood +his noble captain, he made an effort to say over something: + +"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?" + +"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go for'ard thar and hist +the jib, take up the anchor, put your helm a-lee, and beat up to town!" + +This was all very well, provided the skipper was there to superintend, +manage and carry out his voluble orders; but as the surf prevented him +from coming on board, and the lightness of Hez's head militated against +the almost superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders, +things remained _in statu quo_, the skipper ashore, and Hez fervently +wishing he was too. + +"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?" bawled the +excited captain. + +"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner, "how on airth am I +to help it?" + +"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow eout to sea afore +long, sure as death!" responded the skipper; and before he had fairly +concluded his augury, sure enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew +round and made a bee-line _for Cowes and a market!_ This rather brought +Hezekiah to his oats--he riz, tottering and feeble, on his shaky pins, +and crawled forward to get up the jib. + +"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be," bawled the almost +frantic skipper, as the distance between him and his vessel was +increasing. "Put her abeout and head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no +kind of use in talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his +imperfect nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely bewildered +and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying over the seven +commandments and other serious lessons of youth, Hezekiah resigned +himself to the tumultuous elements, and concluded it philosophical and +scriptural resignation to let Providence and the old schooner fix out +the programme just as they might. It is commonly reported, that our +mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes them on the briny +deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in and let their smacks rip along +to the best of their knowledge and ability. They seldom founder or get +severely scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having +entered the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly unconcerned as +to future developments. Night coming on, the skipper saw his schooner +fast departing out to sea, and when she was no longer to be seen, he +made tracks for Boston, to report the melancholy facts to the owners of +the vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance. + +Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the insurance was safe, +he found himself in better spirits; so he walked down along the wharves, +to take a look out upon the bay and shipping--when lo, and behold, he +sees a vessel so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not +refrain from exclaiming: + +"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus--if thar don't come my old +beauty and Hez Perkins, too--hurrah!" + +The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe on a single +string; and as the veritable schooner came booming saucily up the bay +before a spanking breeze, with her jib spread, the skipper called out in +a voice of thunder and gladness: + +"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?" + +"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the track for the Two +Pollies!" And putting her head in among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez +let her rip and smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed +on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate Hezekiah, and +they had a regular fraternal hug all round--and Hezekiah Perkins, in +behalf of his wonderful skill, perseverance and luck, was unanimously +voted first mate of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a +change of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel back +into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick spell by daylight, +crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually made the wharf, as we have +described. + + + + +Philosophy of the Times. + + +The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of +outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the +shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or +who imagine that hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in +white kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is to the +moral man--the one made human beings out of clay, the other cuts +characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is, with us, a thing of the +goose and shears. + + + + +The Emperor and the Poor Author. + + "The pen is mightier than the sword." + + +Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very +mean, and sometimes very _rascally acts_, but they are always fortunate +in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and +pillars, o'er their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written +in memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed. An +American 74-gun ship would hardly float the mountains of _tomes_ written +upon Bonaparte and his brilliant career, as a soldier and a conqueror; +but how precious few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the +misdeeds, tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so great +a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators be so reluctant to +tell the truth of a great man's follies and crimes, seeing with what +convenience and fluency they will _lie_ for him? We contend, and shall +contend, that a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and +that one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is enough to +sully--tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant deeds; but +apparently, the accepted notion is--_vice versa_. + +In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber, a poor, +harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or most curious costume, +attracted much attention about the vicinity in which he lived, and no +doubt added somewhat to the custom of his shop, itself a _bijou_ as +curious almost as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do +with the queer outside of the _barber_ or his _shop_, and we do not now +purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at once proceed to the pith +of our subject--the Emperor and the poor Author, or Napoleon and his +Spies--and in which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a +conspicuous part. + +Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring enough to give an +impartial _expose_ of the history of the Bonapartean times, seem to +think that Napoleon committed a great error in his accession to the +throne, by doubting the stability of his reign, and having pursued +exactly measures antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the +hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his newly-acquired +power. But we don't think so; the means by which he obtained the giddy +height, to a comprehensive mind like his, at once suggested the +necessity of vigilance, promptness, and unflinching execution of +whatever act, however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his +unsleeping mind suggested-- + + "Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained." + +Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion--the fearful +hydra to all ambitious aspirants--to know all _secrets_ of the time and +states, and render one half of the great nations he held in his grasp +spies upon the other! The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink +into obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial _Espionage_ of +Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the tented field--whole +armies, like so many pieces of chess in the hands of a dexterous +player--he sat upon his throne, reclined upon his lounge or smoked in +his bath, organized and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in +the world--_an army of Spies!_ + +All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude--all conditions of life, +from peer to parvenu--from plough to the anvil--pulpit to the +bar--orators and beggars, soldiers and sailors, male and female of every +grade--men of the most insinuating address, and women of the most +seductive ages and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and +trained to serve--in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster of +war used to call his _Cytherian Cohort!_ Snares set by these imperial +policemen were difficult to avoid, from the almost utter impossibility +of suspicioning their presence or power. + +In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence of the +movements and _executions_ of Napoleon, found it prudent to shave off +his moustache and titles, and change the scene of his future life, as +well as change his name. A master of languages and a man of mind, he +sought the learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved his +incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace, and other +considerations due enlarged intellect, from those not lacking that +invaluable commodity themselves. Herr Beethoven--the new title of our +Italian "mi lord"--conceived the project of convincing the mighty +Emperor--the hero of the sword--that so little a javelin as the pen +could puncture the _sac_ containing all _his_ great pretensions, and let +the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the pen _was_ +mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed writing a pamphlet +_memorial_, involving the bombastic pretensions, the gigantic +extravagance and arrogant ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well +knew the ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed foes, +involving such a _brochure_, and the caution necessary with which he was +to produce his work. But Beethoven felt the necessity of the production; +he possessed the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow man, and +he determined to wield it and take the chances. Though scarcely giving +breath to his project--guarding each page of his writing as vigilantly +as though they were each blessed with the enchantment of a +_Koh-i-Noor_--a mysterious agency discovered the fact--Napoleon shook +in his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the following +missive reached his royal eye:-- + + _Sire(!)_--A plot is brewing against your peace; the safety of your + throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My informant, who has + read the manuscripts, informs me that he has never seen any thing + better or more imposing, and ingenious in argument and force, than + the fellow's appeal to all the crowned heads and people of Europe. + It is calculated to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs + they suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These + manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial Majesty's + Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world combined against + you, Sire. + + Leipsic, 1808. Baron De----. + +Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the mighty man, and +the "little corporal" jumped into his boots, and began to set the wheels +of his great "expediency" in motion. A message flew here, and another +there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one. A dozen +secretaries, and a score of _amanuensises_ were instantly at work, and +the alarmed "Emperor of all the French" fairly beat the _reveille_ upon +his diamond-cased snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of +an alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they were to +lend enchantment by their rapid quills. + +Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers were found +scattered all over his little sanctum--the spies had him and his +effects, most promptly; but what was the rage and disappointment of the +emissaries of the wily monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the +dreaded _fiat!_ Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written? + +They had the _man_, but his flesh and blood were as valueless as a +pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery of the _words_ he had +invested a few sheets of simple paper with! They searched his +clothes--tore up his bed, broke up his furniture, powdered his few +pieces of statuary, but all in vain--the sought for, dreaded, and hated +documents, for which his _Imperial highness_ would have secretly given +ten--twenty--fifty thousand _louis_--was not to be found! The rage of +the inquisitors was terrific--showing how well they were chosen or paid, +to serve in their atrocious capacities. The poor scribe was promised all +manner of unpleasant _finales_, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed. + +"I have written nothing--published nothing, nor do I intend to write or +publish anything," was Beethoven's reply. + +"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors, "and rely upon a +generous monarch's benevolence. My commission, sir, is limited to +ascertain whether poverty has not compelled you to write; if that be the +case, speak out; place any price upon your work--the price is nothing--I +will pay you at once and destroy your documents." + +"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are most kind and +liberal, and I regret extremely that it is _not_ in my power to avail +myself of them. I again declare, sir, that I have never written anything +against the French government--your information to the contrary is false +and wicked." + +The spies, finding they could not gain any information of the author, by +threat or bribe, carried him to France, where his doom was supposed to +be sealed in torture and death, in the _Bastile_ of the Emperor. + +But where was this fearful manuscript--this dreaded scribbling of the +God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The emissaries of his serene +highness had the blood, bones, and body of the wretched scribe, but +where was that they feared more than all the warlike forces of a million +of the best equipped forces of Europe--the paltry paper pellets of a +scholar's brain--the _memorial_ to the crowned heads, and people of the +several shivering monarchies of continental Europe? + +A few brief hours--not two days--before the _pseudo_ Herr Beethoven was +honored by the special considerations and attentions of the Emperor of +all the French--the conqueror of a third, at least, of the civilized +world--he had conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the _most +profound confidence_ he had revealed a slight whisper of his +projects--impressed with the foreshadowing that a mysterious _something_ +dangerous was about to menace him, he made way with the manuscripts, to +which his soul clung as too dear and precious to be destroyed--he gave +them to the charge of a tried friend--and before the _Cytherian Cohort_ +were upon the threshold of the author, his _memorial_ was snugly +ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a gentleman and a man +of letters, in the renowned city of Prague. The alarm and friend's +appearance seemed most opportune--for an hour after the visitation of +the one, the other was at hand--the documents transferred and on their +way to their place of refuge. + +But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness--the more +the mystery of the manuscripts augmented--the more enthusiastic became +his research--the more formidable appeared the necessity of grasping +them; and the determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they +served their purpose! + +"Bring me the manuscripts"--was the _fiat_ of the Emperor: "I care not +_how_ you obtain them--get them, _bring them here_; and mark you, let +neither money, danger nor fatigue, oppose my will. Hence--bring the +manuscripts!" + +Again Leipsic was invested by the _Cytherian Cohort_ of the modern +Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great little commandant of the +most warlike nation of the earth. The Baron ----, who was master of +ceremonies in this great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who +had given the information of the existence of the _memorial_. This +wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage and +treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious information +proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing of ill news to +vaunting ambition and quaking imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was +sure of the genuineness of his information--he was much astonished that +the Baron had not seized the _memorial_, as well as the body of the +hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous German conferred at +length; an idea seemed to strike the spy. + +"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest. "I saw a friend +visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained the same sentiments in +regard to the Emperor--_that man has the manuscripts_." + +Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the hay stack--_the_ +pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor urged, and the _Cytherian Cohort_ +plied their cunning and perseverance. That _friend_ of the poor author +was found--he was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and +children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in vain he +questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening implements--blessed his +children--kissed them, and was hurried off, he knew not whither or +wherefore! Shaubert was this man's name; he was forty, a widower--a +scholar, a poet--liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women! + +It was Baron ----'s province to find out the weak points of each victim. + +"If he has a _particular_ regard for _poetry_, he does love the fine +arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens of _fine arts_. I'll +have him!" + +In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man, confined for--he +could not learn what. Every day, the yet youthful and most fascinating, +voluptuous and beautiful daughter of the old man, visited his cell, +which was adjoining that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long +before she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower, the +poet--and sigh so piteously as to draw from the victim, at first a holy +poem, and at length an amative love lay. Like fire into tow did this +effusion of the poet's quill inflame the breast and arouse the passions +of the lovely Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the +soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's form(!), with +implements as perfect as the very jailor's, opened all the bolts and +bars, and led the captive forth to liberty! She would have the poet who +had entranced her, fly and leave her to her fate! But _poetry_ scorned +such dastardy--it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to stay, and +torture to go--Bertha must fly with him. She had a father--could she +leave him in bondage? No! She had rescued her lover--she braved +more--released her parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious +means, and giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the +flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia, they found +an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but the deliverer from bondage, if not +death, of her soul's idol; he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a +dozen poets, worshipped at her feet and besought her to bless him +evermore by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something +imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the heroic girl's +eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with most sad emotion. The poet +pressed her to his heart--fell at her feet, and begged that if his +life--property--children--be the sacrifice--but let him know the secret +at once--he was her friend--defender--lover--slave. Another sigh, and +the spell was broken. + +"Why--ah! why were you a state prisoner--a _secret_ prisoner in +the ----?" + +"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell; indeed I have not +the merest _hint_, in my own mind, to tell me for what I was arrested +and thrown into prison!" + +"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then wed the man I +love--I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown fate--at some moment +least expected, to be torn from his arms--lost to him forever!" + +"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to other and more +secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet smile, my dear Bertha, +obscurity--poverty would be nothing." + +"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father--the land of my +birth--home of my childhood. I that have given you liberty, may point +out a way to deliver you from further restraint. How I learned the +nature of your crime, ask not; I know your secret." + +"Ah! what mean you?" + +"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with downcast eyes and +heaving bosom, "you impaled your generous self to save a friend--the +friend fled--you were arrested--" + +"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven----" + +"Gave you possession of----" she continued. + +"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring not to breathe +"yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver. + +"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own life and liberty +to preserve yours, I have----" + +"I--I know it all, dear--dearest angel, but----" + +"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but melting gaze +upon the poor victim. + +"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be----" + +"It is known--I know it--I learned it from your captors; but for my +_love_," said the girl, "mad--guilty love--your life would have been +forfeited--your house pillaged by the emissaries of the Emperor, in +quest of those manuscripts. While they exist, Bertha cannot be +happy--Bertha's love must die with her--Bertha be ever miserable!" + +"I-a--I will--but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It is false--false!" +exclaimed the almost distracted poet. + +"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the poet, and +throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy your love?" + +"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for God's sake! Rise; let +me at your feet swear, in answer--_No!_" + +"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that hated, damned +viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of Bertha. Give me the key of +your misery; O! bless me--bless your Bertha; give me those accursed +manuscripts, daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at +once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha, the idol of +your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!" + +This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked the room, +sighed, tore his _mouchoir_, oscillated between honor and +temptation--the angel form and syren tongue of the woman triumphed. In +course of a dozen hours, Bertha, the lovely, enchanting _spy_, opened +the secret drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed +literary rubbish, the dreaded _memorial_ was found--clutched with the +eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon the verge of +eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred swift relays, the poor +author's manuscripts were placed in the hands of the mighty Emperor, and +while he read their fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid +with each scathing word of the _memorial_, he hurriedly issued his +orders--gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while he made the spy a +_countess_, he ordered hideous death to the poor poet and despair and +misery to his children. + +"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected of a hand in +this; let them be dealt with instantly--trouble me not with detail, but +give me sure returns. Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg +and tooth; fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty--_fly!_" + +That _snake_ was scotched and killed--the few brief pages of an obscure +author that drove sleep, appetite and peace from the mighty Emperor, for +days and nights--made busy work for his thousands of +emissaries--scattered his gold in weighty streams--was read, cursed and +destroyed, and all suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in +the secret _memorial_, met a secret fate--death or prolonged +wretchedness. + +Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being overlooked in the +hot pursuit of his production, and by the blunder of those having charge +of himself and hundreds of other state prisoners--guilty or _suspected_ +opponents to the vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended +his own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean isle--was +liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond the reach of +monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven came to America and settled in +Philadelphia, where, in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and +pruner of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the residue +of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in their profoundest +philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired, grotesque-looking +barber, who tweaked their plebeian noses and combed their caputs, once +rejoiced in grand heraldic escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a +veritable Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the +feet of a second Alexander! + +But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full of change and +mystery. + + + + +The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck. + + +The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific +crucifiers of the _violin_ we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day, +and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us +the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard +spent last winter in a tour over the State of _Maine_ and Canada. During +this _cool_ excursion, he got way up among the _wood_-choppers and +_log_-men of the Aroostook and Penobscot country. These wood-chopping +and log-rolling gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly, +free-and-easy, hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about there +live in very primitive style; their camps and houses are very useful, +but not much addicted to the "ornamental." Howard had a very long, +tedious and perilous _tramp_, on foot, during a part of his +peregrinations, and coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men, +he laid up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building of +the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the weather was +intensely cold--house crowded, and wood and game plenty. After a hard +day's toil, in snow and water, these log-men felt very much inclined, to +sleep. A huge fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea +things" were put away, Howard gave them a _choon_ or two, and then the +woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps--into a capacious loft overhead, +and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins and straw, enjoyed their +sound and refreshing sleep--with a slight drawback. + +Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called and known among +them as--_Old Tantabolus!_ He was a wiry and hardy old rooster; though +his frosty poll spoke of the many, many years he had "been around," his +body was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man was a grand +spinner of yarns; he had been all around creation, and various other +places not set down in the maps. He had been a soldier and sailor: been +blown up and shot down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to: +suffered from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns and smiles +of fortune--especially the _frowns_; in short, according to old man +Tantabolus's own account of himself, he had seen more ups and downs, and +made more narrow and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and +Gulliver both together--with Baron Trenck into the bargain! + +For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being fresh and +novel, he was quite a _lion_ among the woodmen, but now that the novelty +had worn off, and they'd got used to his long yarns, they voted him "an +old bore!" The old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong +enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would eat his supper, +light his pipe--sit down by the fire, and spin yarns, as long as a +listener remained, and longer. In short, Old Tantabolus would _spin_ +them all to bed, and then make their heads spin, with the clouds of +_baccy_ smoke with which he'd fill the _ranche_. + +Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old chap would +wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then turning out again, between +daybreak and midnight, Old Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of +fresh wood--raise a roaring fire--make the _ranche_ hot enough to roast +an ox, then treat all hands to another _stifling_ with his old +_calumet_, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a-- + +"A-booh! oo-_oo!_" by one of the lodgers, overhead. + +"Boo-oo-_ooh!_ Old Tantabolus's got that--booh-oo-oo-_oo_,--pipe of +his'n again,--boo-oo-oo!" chimed another. + +"A-a-a-_chee!_ oo-oo-augh-h-h-_ch-chee!_ Cuss that--a-_chee_--pipe. +Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that--a-_chee!_--darn'd old +pipe!" bawled another. + +"A'_nand_?" was the old fellow's usual reply. + +"A-boo-ooh-_ooh!_" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's call, in a gale of +wind, would be issued from the throat of an old "logger," as the +fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then +would follow a miscellaneous-- + +"A-_chee_-o! Ah-_chee!_ boo-ooh-oo-_ooh!_" tapering off with divers +curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of +arousing "the whole community" in "the dead watches and middle of the +night," with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could +apparently endure. + +At length, a private _caucus_ was held, and a diabolical plan set, to +put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old +Tantabolus--"_let's blow him up!_" + +And this they agreed to do in _this_ wise. Before "retiring to rest," as +we say in civilized _parlance_, the lodging community were in the habit +of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious +fire-place, in order--should a very common occurrence _occur_,--i. e., a +fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders +might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could +work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful +practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the +caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid +stick--pack it with powder--lay it among the wood, and when Old +Tantabolus _riz_ to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and +disappear--_in a blue blaze!_ Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite +unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next +evening, with greater _gusto_ than usual, and one after another of his +listeners finally dropped off to _roost_, in the loft above, leaving +the old man to go it alone--finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to +his bunk, which, as was his wont to do--he did. Stillness reigned +supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent +confidence, many of his no less weary companions above--watched for the +approaching _tableaux!_ And they were gratified, to their heart's +content, for the tableaux _came!_ + +"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old _Tanty's_ about to wake up!" and +then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers +open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose +straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old +rooster gave a long yawn--"Aw-w-w-w-_um!_" flirted off his "kiverlids" +and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which, +he gave an extra "Aw-w-w-_um!_" knocked the ashes out of his +pipe--filled it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it +a few whiffs, and then said: + +"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start up a good fire." +Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light +sticks of dry wood. + +"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a bite, before you +know it!" + +"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a _goner_, Old Tantabolus!" says another, +in a pig's whisper. + +"There! there he's got the fire up--now look out!" + +"He's got the stick--" + +"Goin' to clap it on!" + +"Now it's on!" + +"Look out for fun, by George, look out!" + +"He'll blow the house up!" + +"Godfrey! s'pose he does?" + +"What an infernal _wind_ there is this morning!" says the old fellow, +hearing the _buzz_ and indistinct whispering overhead; "guess it's +snowin' like _sin_; I'll jist start up this fire and go out and see." +But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when--"_bang-g-g!_" +went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not +only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose +flooring--setting the straw beds in a blaze--filling the house with +smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate _rush_ of +the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning +building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril +of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the _ranche!_ +The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the +intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over--"Boys, +arter this, _be careful how you lay your powder round!_" + + + + +An Active Settlement. + + +Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants +mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other +historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved +now and then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by relieving +straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man engaged in a quiet smoke, +sees a deer or bear sneaking around, and by taking down his rifle, has +steaks for breakfast, and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his +door. Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and bloom +spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear buck-skin trowsers, +coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, and alligator-hide boots. Old +San Jacinto walked into the Senate last winter--fresh from home--with a +panther-skin vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that +Texas. + + + + +A Yankee in a Pork-house + + +"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a +looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day. + +"Pork!" echoes a decidedly _Green_ Mountain biped, at the elbow of the +first speaker. + +"Yes, I vow it's quite as-_tonishing_ how much pork is sold here and +_et_ up by somebody," continued the old gent. + +"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat resembled a +fat lath, and whose general _contour_ made it self-evident that _he_ was +not given much to frivolity, jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or +perfumed and "fixed up" barberality extravagance. + +"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his hands rested in +the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his eyes rested upon the first +speaker. + +"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, _I_ guess?" + +"No, I never was," says the old gent. + +"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been _in_ a Pork-haouse?" + +"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?" + +"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon not--don't +begin--'tain't nothin' like--not a speck in a puddle to a Pork-haouse--a +Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!" + +"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty stiff, out +there," says the old gentleman. + +"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to me, I knew yeou +somewhere?" says our Yankee. + +"You might," cautiously answers the old gent. + +"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?" + +"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir." + +"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?" + +"Oh, no, I'm not _in_ business, at all, sir," was the reply. + +"Not? Oh,"--thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no matter, I thought +p'raps yeou were from up aour way--I'm from near Maoun-Peelier--State of +Varmount." + +"Ah, indeed?" + +"Ya-a-s." + +"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent. + +"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"--was the abstracted response of Yankee, who seemed to +be revolving something in his own mind. + +"Raise a great deal of wool--fine sheep country?" + +"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the everlasting hog +craop!" + +"Think not, eh?" said the old gent. + +"I swow _teu_ pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, afore +breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this buildin' clean open!" + +"You don't tell me so?" + +"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?" + +"I said not." + +"Never in a Pork-haouse?" + +"Never." + +"Wall, yeou've hearn tell--of Ohio, I reckon?" + +"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer. + +"Yeou don't say so?" + +"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent. + +"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living aout there; one's +trading, t'other's keepin' school; may be yeou know 'em--Sampson +Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his +fa'ther, no, his _mother_ married--'tain't no matter; my name's +Small,--Appogee Small, and I was talkin'----" + +"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses." + +"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at Cincinnatty--teu +weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, they do deu business there; beats +Salvation haow they go it on steamboats--bust ten a day and build six!" + +"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs----" + +"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;--fus thing you meet is a +string--'bout a mile long, of big and little critters, greasy and sassy +as sin; buckets and bags full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs +of hogs. Foller up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou +go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu an almighty +large haouse--big as all aout doors, and a feller steps up to me and +says he:-- + +"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?' + +"'Yeou deu?' says I. + +"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was. + +"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, we'll send a +feller with you!' + +"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, daown stairs--aout +in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou should jist seen the +hogs--couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!" + +"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent. + +"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; sech cussin' and +hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one eend of the lot and +punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech a smell of hogs and fat, +_brissels_ and hot water, I swan _teu_ pucker, I never did cal'late on, +afore! + +"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers kept a +craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there two fellers kept a +shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang of the all-firedest dirty, +greasy-looking fellers _aout_--stuck 'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore +yeou could say Sam Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the +lot--killed--scalded and scraped." + +"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent. + +"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many hogs deu yeou cal'late +them fellers killed and scraped a day?" + +"Couldn't possibly say--hundreds, I expect." + +"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill thirteen hundred in teu +hours;--did, by golly!" + +"Yeou don't say so?" + +"Yes, _sir_. And a feller with grease enough abaout him to make a barrel +of saft soap, said that when they hurried 'em up some they killed, +scalded and scraped ten thousand hogs in a day; and when they put on the +steam, twenty thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single +day!" + +"I want to know!" + +"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they scalded the +critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, it was amazin' how the +_brissels_ flew! Afore a hog knew what it was all abaout, he was bare as +a punkin--a hook and tackle in his _snaout_, and up they snaked him on +to the next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in and up +through the scuttles--jest in one stream! + +"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller. + +"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a hacken on 'em up. By +golly, it was deth to particular people the way the fat and grease +_flew!_ Two _whacks_--fore and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say--split +the hog; one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of +sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered--grabbed and carried off to +another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' chaps layed to and +cut and skirted around;--hams and shoulders were going one way, sides +and middlins another way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't +'pear to be full of flying pork--in hams, sides, scraps and greasy +fellers--rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they were saltin' +and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other place they were frying +aout the lard--fillin' barrels, from a regular river of fat, coming aout +of the everlastin' biggest bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked +the feller if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped +the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he s'pected. He +said they were not hurryin' then, but if I would come in, some day, when +'steam was up,' he'd show me quick work in the pork business--knock +daown, drag aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel _before +he got through squealin'!_ + +"Hello! Say!--'Squire, gone?" + +The old gent was--_gone_; the _last brick_ hit him! + + + + +German Caution + + +Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of +Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot +of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price, +he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars--no less." + +"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?" + +"Nine tousand dollars." + +"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers. + +"Because der tam place ain't worth any more." + +Ain't that Dutch. + + + + +Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell. + + +A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written, +on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" +for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live +to wonder how men--to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age--can +heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole +utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children, +annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a +poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the +city, and precious little _use_ for them any where else; and as _Boz_ +says of oysters--you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find +the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs, +especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies, +you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No +rowdy, or gentleman at large, in the _Quaker City_, feels _finished_, +without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while +the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and +dastardly curs, perfectly astounding--to us. This brings us to a short +and rather pithy story of a dog _sell_. + +Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up" +on dogs, and who could talk _hoss_ and dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or +Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were +congregated in a famous resort, a place known as _Hollahan's_. A +dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the +"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the +battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and +the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low +degree,--dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we +much doubt, if ever before or since--this side of "Seven Dials" or St. +Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs, +witnessed. + +An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a +disciple of _Paley_ to imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment +within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most +attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a +dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently +unconcerned upon the subject. + +"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and +taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys, +you're talkin' about _dogs!_" + +"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers. + +"Dogs," echoes the old one. + +"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs." + +"What do you know about _dogs?_" says a full-blown _Jakey_, looking +sharply at the old fellow. + +"Know about _dogs?_" + +"A' yes-s," says _Jakey_. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't +know a Spaniel from a butcher's _cur!_" + +"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be I _don't_, +but it's _my_ 'pinion you'd make a sorry _fiste_ at best, if you had +tail and ears a little longer!" + +This _sally_ amused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de +machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose +eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness. +_Jakey_ backing down, another of the by-standers put in. + +"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?" + +"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog +talk--confounded dry!" + +"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers, +thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him. +"What'll you drink?--come up, daddy." + +"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then +giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a +long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he +partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel-- + +"Here's a _dog_, boys." + +"That your dog, dad?" asked several. + +"That's my dog, boys. He _is_ a dog." + +"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men. + +"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one. + +"Breed? He ain't any breed, _he_ ain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up +the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him--see his +tushes; growl, Barney, growl!--Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed, +boys; _he's original stock!_" + +"Well, so I was going to say," says one. + +"That dog," says another, "must be valuable." + +"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't +sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn--so much talkin' +makes one dry." + +"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys. + +"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and +that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is +like my dog--_can't be beat!_" + +"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?" + +"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander, +and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about +it." + +"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried. + +"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun +Tavern?" + +"We've heard of him, daddy--go on," says they. + +"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man, +but his wife--wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread +with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter +pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much +left." + +"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about your _dog_." + +"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog; +set up, Barney--look at his ears, boys--great, ain't they? Well, Ben's +wife was mean--meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any +thing that _et_; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a +pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at +a meal, _awful!_" + +"Blow the old woman; tell us about the _dog_, poppy," said they. + +"Now, I'm coming to the pint--but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my +life. I am dry--plaguy dry," said the old one. + +"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now +let her slide. How about the _dog?_" + +"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I +don't find such sperrets as that _often_. Well, boys, as you're anxious +to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old +woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and +'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller +wanted to buy a good dog, down to the _drove yard_, and he takes +Barney--stand up, Barney--see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog, +he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to the _drove yard_. He +met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney _was_ a +dog--he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog +Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog--but, boys, I'm gittin' +dry--_rotted dry_--" + +"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys. + +"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for +him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?" + +The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price, +some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars--the old fellow +continuing to say "No," until they gave it up. + +"Well, boys, I'll tell you--that feller, after looking and looking at +Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour--_didn't offer a red +cent for him!_ Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me--there +he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets." + +But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit--_mizzled!_ + + + + +The Perils of Wealth + + +Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the +fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious +cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal, +woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season. +It is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death. +Where it makes one man a happy _Christian_, it makes ten thousand +miserable _devils_. It is no use to argufy the matter, for money is the +"root of all evil," more or less, and--as Patricus Hibernicus is +supposed to have said of a single feather he reposed on--if a dollar +gives some men so much uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has +formed the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish that +they were all imbued, as our present story is, with--more irresistible +mirth than misery. Lend us your ears. + +Not long ago, one of our present well-known--or ought to be, for he is a +man of parts--business men of Boston, resided and carried on a small +"trade and dicker" in the city of Portland. By frugal care and small +profits, he had managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in +_halves_, finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash, +he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of _small cities_; +and he concluded that Portland was hardly big enough for a man of his +pecuniary heft! In short, he began to feel the importance of his +position in the world of finance, and conceived the idea that it would +be a sheer waste of time and energy to stay in Portland, while with +_his_ capital, he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the +millionaires and hundred thousand dollar men! + +"Yes," said B----, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to stay here any +longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But what will I do with my money? +How will I invest it? Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before +I conclude to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," he +continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his sanctum; "I'll +not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going to Boston to see how +business is there in my line; and my money I'll put in an old cigar box, +and--" + + * * * * * + +B---- was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his hand. His +"good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was uttered, and for the tenth +time he charged his better half to be careful of the fire, (he occupied +a frame house,) see that the doors were all locked at night, and "be +sure and fasten the cellar doors." + +B---- had got out on to the pavement, with no time to spare to reach the +cars in season; yet he halted--ran back--opened the door, and in evident +concern, bawled out to his wife-- + +"Caddie!" + +"Well?" she answered. + +"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!" + +"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of the house. + +"And whatever you do, _don't forget them cellar doors_, Caddie!" + +"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B----, lickety split, for the +Boston train. + +After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern Athens, B---- found +an opening--a good one--to go into business, as he desired, upon a +liberal scale; but he found vent for the explosion of one very +hallucinating idea--his six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a +most infinitesimal _circumstance_, a mere "flea bite;" would do very +well for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable +business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation among the +monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and "bears" on 'change. However, +this realization was more than counter-balanced by another +fact--"confidence" was a largely developed _bump_ on the business head +of Boston, and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an +abundance of good business qualifications--spirit, energy, talent and +tact--they were bound to see him through! In short, B----, the great +Portland capitalist, found things about right, and in good time, and in +the best of spirits, started for home, determining, in his own mind, to +give his wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact +that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred silver dollars, +and about to move his _institution_--but the better half of a gentleman +on the verge of a new campaign as a Boston business man. + +"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B----; "how she'll go in; +for she's had a great desire to live in Boston these five years, but +thinks I'm in debt, and don't begin to believe I've got them six hundred +all hid away down----. But I'll surprise her!" + +B---- had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his house, with his +mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful tidings and grand surprise +in store for Mrs. B., when a sudden change came over the spirit of his +dream! As he gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading +day, he thought--yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, barrels of +lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other building and repairing +materials, strewn in the rear of his domicil! The cellar doors--those +wings of the subterranean recesses of his house--which he had cautioned, +earnestly cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and +securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of his abode +looked quite dreary and haunted. + +"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B----, rushing into the rear door of his +domestic establishment, to the no small surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a +premature-- + +"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?" + +"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't I earnestly beg of +you to keep those doors--cellar doors--shut? fastened?" + +"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? Why, there's nothing +in the cellar." + +"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B----. + +"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded the wife; "there is +nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, our drain and Mrs. A.'s +drain got choked up; she went to the landlord about it; he sent some +men, they examined the drain, and came back to-day with their tools and +things, and went down the cellar." + +"_Down the cellar?_" gasped B----, quite tragically. + +"Down _the_ cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B. + +"Give me a light--quick, give me a light, Caroline!" + +"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the potatoes, the +meat, the squashes." + +"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a light!" and with a +genuine melo-drama rush, B---- seized the lamp from his wife's hand, and +down the cellar stairs he went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was +heard-- + +"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!" + +With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down the stairs, to +her husband. He had dropped the lamp--all was dark as a coal mine. + +"Fred--Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you done?" cried his +wife, in intense agony and doubt. + +"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed. + +"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?" + +"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing murder on one +another?" came a voice from above stairs. + +"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker. + +"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get skeert. Is thare +robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?" + +This brought B---- to his proper reckoning. He ordered his wife to "go +up," and he followed, and upon reaching the room, he found quite a +gathering of the neighbors. He was as white as a white-washed wall, and +the neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or a +chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel the mystery, B---- +informed them that he had merely gone down cellar to see what the +masons, &c., had been doing--dropped his lamp--his wife screamed--and +that was all about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook +their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner had they gone, +than B---- seized his hat and cut stick for the office of a cunning, +far-seeing limb of the law, leaving Mrs. B. in a state of mental +agitation better imagined than described. B---- stated his case--he had +buried six hundred dollars in a box under the _lee_ of the cellar-wall, +and gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would suit, a +parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, must come and go +right there and then to dig--get the six hundred dollars and clear. + +After a long chase, law and bother, B---- recovered half his +money--packed up and came to Boston.--There's a case for you! Beware of +money! + + + + +Nursing a Legacy. + + +Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business; +sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by +it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun +in it. + +Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, and a resident +of a small town in the lower part of Delaware, began life on a very +limited capital, and because of a natural disposition indigenous to the +climate and customs of his native place--general apathy and unmitigated +_patience_ peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, amid the +stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken country--Lev +never increased it. Lev had an uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or +child," and was reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was +proverbially mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half of the +people who knew him. He had a small estate, had lived long, and by his +close-fisted manner of life, it was believed that Gunter had laid by a +pretty considerable pile of the root of all evil, for something or +somebody; and one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion that +as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon resign his +interests in all worldly gear, _he_ would volunteer to console the +declining years of his dear old uncle, by his own pleasant company and +encouragement, and the old man very gladly accepted the proposals of +Lev, to cut wood, dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and +dilapidated farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation +and long service he had worn them about out; he had little or no +"stock" upon his _farm_, quite as scant an assortment of utensils, few +fences, and in fact, to any actively disposed individual, the general +appearance and state of affairs about old Gunter's _place_ would have +given the double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf and +lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic evolutions, so +he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's dilapidated farm, as he +was annoyed by the beggarly way the old man lived, and the assiduous +desire he seemed to manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering +chips, patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he and the +two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely raising enough to keep +soul and body of the party together. + +At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too much for Lev +Smith's constitution, but the great object in view consoled him, and the +more he saw of the old man's meanness, the more and more he took it for +granted that his uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after +three years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking down; +the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had served so long a +time, so patiently and lovingly, and the old man apparently upon his +very last legs--it seemed a ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give +out, so he made up his mind to--wait a little longer. Another year +rolled on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got the more +assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors wondered how a young +man _could_ stick on, and put up with such a miserly, mean, selfish and +penurious old curmudgeon as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized +of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, and not +unfrequently said, in a groaning voice: + +"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the Lord it was in your +poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's distressed power to--" + +"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most deceitfully respond; +"I ask nothing for myself; what I do, I _do_ willingly!" + +"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, miserable, +wretched uncle don't deserve it." + +"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, and I'll do it." + +"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle will be +grateful--we'll see." + +"I know that--I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe--and that's enough, +_all_ I ask." + +"And if he don't--poor, miserable old creature,--if he don't pay you, +the Lord will, Levi!" + +"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says the humbugging +nephew. And so they went, Lev not only waiting on the old man with the +tender and faithful care of a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender +resources ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways and +matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged and quartered before +he would in a like manner done likewise. But the end came--the old +fellow held on toughly; he never died until Lev's patience, hope and +slender income were quite threadbare; so he at last went off the +handle--Lev buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny +fashion. + +Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's affairs in grief +and solicitude. Another party also awaited the upshot of the matter, +with due solemnity and expectation, and that party was Polly Williams, +Lev's "intended," and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev +Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, but sure to +get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth in the world, and +therefore, with more craft and diligence, if possible, than Lev +practised, the Williamses set Polly's cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was +not unmindful of the fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as +his two children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright and +propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on hand at Squire +Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the estate of the deceased +settled. + +As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of the neighbors +were on hand--old Williams, of course. + +"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire. + +"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his bandanna, and +smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good man, 'Squire." + +"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number of the neighbors +shook their head and stroked their beards, as if to say amen. + +"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he mout not," continued the +Squire; "some thinks he was not; I only say he was a queer old mortal, +and here's his will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c., +&c.," continued the Squire. + +"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor _dear_ old man!" + +"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire. + +"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how _I_ shall miss him in this world of +sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams bit his skinny lips, and +the neighbors again stroked their beards. + +"To comfort my declining years--" + +"Poor, _dear_ old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I could do," +groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do half enough." + +"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world--" continued the +'Squire. + +"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev. + +"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev looked vacantly over +his handkerchief, at the Squire), I have made up my mind (Lev all +attention) that no mortal shall benefit by me; I have therefore +mortgaged and sold (Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's +value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where none but the +devil himself can find it!" + +There was a general snicker and stare--all eyes on Lev, his face as +blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's countenance fell into a +concatenation of grimaces and wrinkles--language fails to describe! + +"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his glasses. +"Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects something (Lev brightens up, old +Williams grins!)--he has hung around me for a long time, expecting it +(Lev's jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years boarding +and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present of my two old negroes, +Ben and Dinah." + +"The--the--the--cussed old screw," bawls old Williams. + +"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, miserable old +scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with virtuous indignation, and +swinging his doubled up fists. + +"And you--you--you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, hypocritical +skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his bony fingers in poor Lev's +face, the neighbors grinning from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my +Polly, in this yer way. Now clear yourself--take them old niggers, don't +leave 'em here for the crows to eat--clear yourself!" + +Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old Ben and Dinah to +the tender mercies of a quite miserable and equally wretched +neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't "take on" much about the matter, but +in the course of a few weeks took another venture in love's lottery, +and--was married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his +childhood, a wiser and a poorer man. + + + + +The Troubles of a Mover. + + +"Mr. Flash in?" + +"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son." + +"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy. + +"Guess not, my son; I live here." + +"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here." + +"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan. + +"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," says little +breeches. + +Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, then says +he-- + +"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come here, for us." + +The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet unplaced +household effects--for Flannigan had just moved in--and Flannigan calls +for Mrs. F. The lady appears and denies all knowledge of any such +purchases, or reception of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears +out. + +In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces another +customer. Flannigan being at work in the parlor, answers the call; he +opens the door, and there stands "a greasy citizen." + +"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?" + +"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir." + +"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives here, got this bill +agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, per-visions." + +"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know you, or owe you, of +course!" + +"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, _any how_;" growls our greasy +citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?" + +"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan. + +"You can't?" + +"Certainly not." + +"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher. + +"No more than the man in the moon!" + +"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge _me_, in no sich a way," says the +butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, you may tell him +so!--for _me!_" growls the butcher. + +"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, don't know +him from Adam, as I've already told _you_," says Flannigan, closing the +door--the "greasy citizen" walking down the steps muttering thoughts +that breathe and words that burn! + +Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the centre table, to +hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor wall, when another ring was +heard of the bell. He called to his little daughter to open the door and +see what was wanted. + +"Is your fadder in, ah?" + +"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she could reach +the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in. + +"Goot mornin', I bro't de _pills_ in." + +"Pills?" says Flannigan. + +"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars foof'ey cents. I +vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees you was run away." + +"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought bread of you!" + +"_Vaw's!_ Tonner a' blitzen!--don't owes me!" + +"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing--hammer in hand, upon the top of +the table. + +"_Vaw's!_ you goin' thrun away and sheet me, _ah_?" + +"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've just moved in +here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw me before, and of course I +never dealt with you!--don't you see?" + +"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat you vant, to +sheet me out mine preet, you raskills--I go fetch the con-stabl's, de +shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off +rushes the enraged man of dough, upsetting the various small articles +piled up on the bureau in the hall--by _wanging_ to the door. + +Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near dashing his +hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping there was an end to the +annoyances he kept at work, until another ring of the bell announced +another call. The Irish girl went to the door; Flannigan listens-- + +"Mr. Flash in?" + +"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan was the same in Dutch. +"Would yees come in, sir," and in comes the young man. + +"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested sir, with +the bill of that china set, &c." + +"Mistake, sir--I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan. + +"Isn't your name Flash, sir!" + +"No, sir, my name's _Flannigan_. I've just moved here." + +"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash gone to, do you +know." + +"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all this morning by +persons that scoundrel appears to owe. He moved out of here, day before +yesterday; I took his unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling, +having noticed it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and +he cleared for California, I believe." + +This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that his "firm" was +_done_, and the young man and _his_ bill stepped out. Another _ring_, +and Flannigan opens the door; two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had +been buying some tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a +fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements poor +Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, cash down! These gentlemen +felt very vindictive, of course, and hinted awful strong that Flannigan +was privy to Flash's movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan +losing his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to +vamose!--they did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" as they +walked away! + +The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" in the back +parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl answered the call, and +returned with a bill of sundry groceries, handed in by a man at the +door. + +"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone--left--don't know him, and don't want to +know him, or have any thing to do with him or his bill!" + +The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears a _muss_ in +the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was Biddy and the grocer's man +in a high dispute. Biddy--"true to her instinct," had made a bull of her +message by telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the divil +wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, and give him to +understand that Mr. Flash was gone to parts unknown, and--the grocer, in +common with bakers, butchers, tinners and china dealers--were _done!_ + +But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" made their appearance, +for a small bill of seven dollars, for washing and ironing the dickeys +and fine linen of the Flashes. + +"An' de fac _am_," says the one, "we's bound to hab de money, _shuah!_" + +It did not seem to _take_ when Flannigan informed his colored friends +that they were surely _done_, as their debtor had "cut his lucky" and +gone! + +The darkies felt inclined to be _sassy_, and Flannigan closed the door, +ordering them to create a vacancy by clearing out, and just as he closed +the door, ring goes the bell! + +"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting his brogan upon the +sill, as Flannigan opened the door--"I've come wid me _coz_-zin to git +her wages, ye's owin' her!" + +"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan. + +"_Igh!_" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall. + +"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan. + +"_Scoun-thril!_" roars the outraged "adopted citizen." + +"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, as Paddy makes a +rush to grab him. + +"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye--ye--" but here his oration drew towards +a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in +forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between the +_ogle-factories_ of Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling, +Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling +upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps, +dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor +Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white +spirits and black, all in a lump. + +Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were +denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared, +the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for +stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to +seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house--ready to be taken +away! + +Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural +Yankee, was terrific! + +Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried +to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached +home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs," +fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a +"bad name," he couldn't stay in it. + + + + +The Question Settled. + + +"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof." +_White_,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the +famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the _Blade_ +office, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor-- + +"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a +debbil ob a talk about in de papers?" + +"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my +'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder +Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!" + +"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is." + +"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna +question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob +applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin, +_I'se dar!_" + +"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles +ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your +ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole +nigger--yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters, +and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in. + + + + +How it's Done at the Astor House. + + +People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in +liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best +ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank +down, by the possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated. +Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, to +fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, or even that +detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called _French brandy_,--which, +in fact, is generally aquafortis, corrosive sublimate, cochineal, +logwood, and whiskey,--and don't happen to know too many drouthy +cronies, may make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in +the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live stock, and +real estate, when you know how it's done. + +Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping trained dogs or +trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize purse and +reputation, like drinking. + +"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth doctor," "look +into my mouth." + +"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller. + +"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look again; you see +nothing!" + +"Nothing, sir!" + +"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, for I've +just finished swallowing--_three hundred negroes and two cotton +plantations!_" + +Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable drinking saloon +in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant drinking establishments in +that part of the country. The young chaps belonged over in +Kentucky--daddies rich, and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's +have a spree! The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a +fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of all the +most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. Getting fuddled, they +got uproarious; they kicked over the tables and knocked down the +waiters. The landlord, not exactly appreciating that sort of "going on," +remonstrated, and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and +furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the people present, +who "dug out" very quick, leaving the bacchanalians to their glory; +whereupon, they fell to and fired their pistols into the mirrors, +paintings, chandeliers, &c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the +time the young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and +after the usual battering and banging of the now almost inanimate bodies +of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. Next day they settled +their bills, and it cost them about $2200! It was rather an expensive +lesson, but it's altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a +letter of it yet. + +A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were cruising around +New York, one evening, seeing the lions, and their cicerone,--by the +way, a "native" who knew what _was_ what,--took them up Broadway, and as +they passed the Astor House, says one of the strangers: + +"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?" + +"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "_this_, boys, is a great +tavern, fine place to get a drink." + +"Well, be hooky, let's all go in." + +In they all went; taking a private room or small side parlor, the +country gents requested Smith to do the talking and order in the liquor. +Smith called for a bill of fare, upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts" +and harder named wines and _liquors_ than could be committed to memory +in a week. + +"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing it to the +servant, "that's it--two bottles, bring 'em up." + +Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The country gents froze to +it. They had never tasted such stuff before, in all their born days! + +"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," "got eny more uv +that wine?" + +"O, yes, sir!" says the servant. + +"Well, fetch it in." + +"Two bottles, sir?" + +"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!--I can go two on 'em myself," +says the country gent. + +The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after a few grimaces +and whispering, the servant and one of the bar-keepers, or clerks, +carried up the wine. Says the clerk, whispering to Smith, whom he +slightly knew: + +"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?" + +"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the catalogue, +ain't it?" + +"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw. + +"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't snake your +handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want us to fork rite up fur +these drinks?" hauling out his wallet. + +"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change. + +"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out a handful +of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay for what licker we +drink--be thunder!" + +In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it was of no +importance just then--the bill would be presented when they got through. +This was satisfactory, and the party went on finishing their wine, +smoking, &c. + +"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one of the gents, +beginning to feel his oats, some! + +"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "_sham_" in "the +tavern" were called for, and which the party drank with great gusto. + +"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or some other place +where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, mister,"--to the servant,--"go +fetch in the landlord." + +"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some doubts as to the +meaning of the phrase. + +"Ay, landlord--or that chap that was in here just now; tell him to fetch +in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; well, what's the damages?" +asks the gent, so ambitious of putting the party through, and hauling +out a handful of keys, silver and coppers, to do it with. + +"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing one of +those fancy gamboge titles found upon an Astor House catalogue, +"_ninety-six dollars--_" + +"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small change, that he +had began to sort out on the table. + +"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars--seven dollars," coolly +continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and three dollars." + +"_A hundred and three thunder--_" + +"A HUNDRED AND THREE DOLLARS!" cried the country gents, in one breath, +all starting to their feet, and putting on their hats. + +The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged up" the amount, +looked very sober, and walked out. + +"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre." + +"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for to-night, Mr. +Smith." And they made for their lodgings. + +If those country gents were asked, when they got home, any particulars +about the "elephant," they'd probably hint something about getting a +glimpse of him at the Astor House. + + + + +The Advertisement. + + +Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will +interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief, +and--singularly true. + +A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three +pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, who lost his life in the +corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, built in Kensington for one of the +South American republics, and launched in 1826. The South Americans +being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, was sold to +the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for Constradt in 1830. Some +forty of the carpenters, who had built the vessel, went out in her; she +had immense, but symmetrical spars--carried vast clouds of canvass--was +caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall--her spars came thundering to the +deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was among the slain. + +The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for the departed; +pinching poverty was at her door; upon her own exertions now devolved +the care and toil of rearing her three children. Cynthia, the eldest, +was a pretty brunette, of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could +"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy and +intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, Rosa, one of the +most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little girls of seven years, poetical +fancy ever realized, "the neighbors thought," ought to be _given_ to +somebody, to raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a +task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and so, kind, +generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with which disinterested +friends console or advise the unfortunate, "the neighbors" became very +eloquent and argumentative. But though the mother's hands were weak, her +heart was strong, and her love for her children still stronger. + +It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it appears to us, +that people possessing the ordinary attributes of sane Christians, +should so readily advise others to attempt, or do, that from which +_they_ would instinctively recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers +might have been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites +towards preserving the unity of her little and precious family, than +thus savagely advising its disbanding. + +Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very expensive, and +circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. But the widow took a paper, +a family, weekly journal; and while casting her vacant eye over the +columns, at the close of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for +the bread her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention +was called to an advertisement, as follows: + + "A Housekeeper Wanted.--An elderly gentleman desires a middle-aged, + pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious American woman, to take + charge and conduct the domestic affairs of his household. A + reasonable compensation allowed. Good reference required, _the + applicant to have no incumbrances_. Apply at this office, for the + address, &c." + +The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features of the widow, as +she glanced over the advertisement, was dimmed and darkened, as the +shining river of summer is shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she +came to the chilling words--_the applicant to have no incumbrances_. + +"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but God deign to smile +or have mercy on the helpless orphans; are they to be feared, shunned, +hated, because helpless? Must they perish--die with me +alone--struggling against our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know +there is a God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts +of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though basilisk-like words +warn me to hope not, I will apply--I will attempt to win attention, +work, slave, toil, toil, toil, until my poor hands shall wear to the +bone, and my eyes no longer do their office--if he will only have mercy, +pity for my poor, poor orphans--God bless them!" and in melting +tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her face upon her lap and +wept--her tears were the showers of hope, to the almost parched soil of +her heart, and as the gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell +the widow's tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter +something--in the future. + +It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the poor woman put +on her bonnet and shawl, and started at once for the office of the +_news_paper. The publisher was just closing his sanctum, but he gave the +information the widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs. +Glenn's appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated her +on various points of her present condition, prospects, &c.; and +observed, that but for her children, he had no doubt of the widow's +suiting the old man exactly. + +"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from honest industry, +because of thy responsibilities, which God hath given thee," said the +quaker. "If thy lad is stout of his age, and a good boy, I will provide +for him; he may learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may +be enabled to keep thy two female children about thee." + +On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention of writing a +few lines as an applicant for the situation of housekeeper, and +afterwards to consult with the publisher in regard to her boy, Martin, +and then bidding the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble +domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried from her +distressed and lonely home. + +In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad and beautiful +Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion; but few of this class now +remain in Philadelphia, and the one of which we now speak, but recently +passed away, in the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850. +In this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the wealthy +and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was very wealthy, very +eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate, plethoric, gouty, and +seventy years of age. Mr. Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he +had been so engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to +forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable appendage +to a man's comfort in this world--a wife. He was the next ten years +considering the matter over, and then, having built and furnished +himself a costly mansion, which he peopled with servants, headed by a +maiden sister as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole--to which his +sister added her strong consent--that matrimony would greatly increase +his cares, and perhaps add more _noise_ and confusion to his household, +than it might counterbalance or offset by probable comfort in "wedded +happiness," so temptingly set forth to old bachelors. + +"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off my single +blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough, there's women enough; +I'm young, hale, hearty, in the prime of life; no, I'll not give up the +ship to woman yet." + +Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up in the retired +merchant's mind again--he was now sixty, and one, at least, of the +objections to his entering the wedded state, removed--for a man at sixty +is scarcely too young to marry, surely. + +"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now. I've had my own +way so long, I could not think of surrendering to petticoats, turning +my house into a nursery, and turning my back on the joys, quiet and +comforts of bachelorhood. No, no, Job Carson--matrimony be hanged. +You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed--now age and luxury do +their work. + +"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. _O_, there it is again--hang the +goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm getting the gout. +Blockhead--none of my kith or kin ever had such an infernal complaint. +O, ah-h-h, that infernal window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain +in the back, and--Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger--Banquo-o-o!" + +"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black and +sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning face into the old +gentleman's study, sitting, playing or smoking room. + +"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here; go to Jackplane, the +carpenter, and tell him to come here and make my sashes tight, d'ye +hear?" + +"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off." + +"No, you ain't--come here, Banquo, you woolly son of Congo, you; go open +my liquor case, bring the brandy and some cool water. There, now clear +yourself." + +"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time--" + +"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes, and tell him I send +my compliments to him, and if he wants to continue that game of chess, +let him come over this afternoon, d'ye hear?" + +"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time--_shuah!_" + +"Well, away with you." + +Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman. He had survived +nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his sister had paid the last debt +of nature some months before, and in hopes of finding some one to fill +her station, in his domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared +in the _Weekly Bulletin_. + +"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the old gent over +his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived everybody, everything +useful to me. Made a fortune _first_, nobody to spend it _last_. Yes, +yes," continued the old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson +will soon slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may +say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a hard scrabble +to get together these things, and now, we'll pick his bones.' Well, let +'em, let 'em; serves me right; ought to have known it before, but blast +and rot 'em, if they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the +struggles to keep it together, why, a--it will be about an even thing +with us, after all." + +"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting his black bullet +pate in at the door. + +"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself--no, come back; go down to Oatmeal's +store, and tell him to let old Mrs. Dougherty, and the old blind man, +and the sailor's wife, and--and--the rest of them, have their groceries, +again, this week--only another week, mind, for I'm not going to support +the whole neighborhood any longer--tell him so." + +"Yis, massa, I'se gone." + +"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind--clear out." + +But Banquo returned in a moment, saying: + +"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see you, sah, 'bout +'ticlar business, sah." + +"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down--ah-h, that +infernal _twinge_ again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a stupid ass a man is to +hang around in this world until he's a nuisance to himself and every +body else!" grunted old Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into +the parlor. + +"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the widow, who, in +the utmost taste of simple neatness, had arranged her spare dress, to +meet the umpire of her future fate. + +Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and at once opened +her business to the bluff old man. + +"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm nothing, nobody, +any more. I want somebody to see that I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and +that I may have a bed to lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back +occasionally, and a--that's all I want, ma'am." + +The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a housekeeper, and +situated as she was, it was a labor of love to work--toil, for those +misfortune had placed in her charge. + +"Eh? what's that--haven't got _incumbrances_, have you, ma'am?" + +"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow. + +"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman; "ah, umph, what +business have you, ma'am, with three children?" + +[Illustration: "Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman. +"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three +children?"--_Page_ 393.] + +The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser, the old gentleman +continued: + +"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business with +_incumbrances_, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am, for 'em." + +"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too--too much inclined to +reason; but I shall trust to the mercy and providence of the Lord, if +denied the kind feelings of mortals." + +"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am; but too many +poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a scrape, then depend upon the +Lord to help 'em out. This shifting the responsibility to the shoulders +of the Lord isn't right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half +he's asked to do, ma'am." + +"Well, sir, I thought I would _call_, though I feared my children would +be an objection to--" + +"Yes, yes,--I don't want incumbrances, ma'am." + +"But I--I a--"--the widow's heart was too full for utterance; she moved +towards the door. "Good morning, sir." + +"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity--you've no business, +ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances, when you haven't got any +visible means of support. Now, if you only had one, one incumbrance--and +that you'd no business to have"--said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an +antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent grains of +titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his proboscis, "if you had only +_one_ incumbrance--but you've got a house full, ma'am." + +"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn. + +"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't be a poor woman with +two--no, with one incumbrance at my petticoat tails--for the biggest +ship and cargo old Steve Girard ever owned, ma'am." + +"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with the printer, sir; he +has offered to take my poor boy." + +"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent, applying the +dust, and manipulating his box. "How old? Eldest thirteen, eh?--boy +eleven, and the youngest seven, eh?" and working a traverse, or solving +some problematic point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning +gown, and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind, he +stopped--fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing a ten dollar +note in the widow's hand, he said: + +"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but to-morrow +morning, if you have time, from other and more important business, call +in, bring your children with you; good morning, ma'am--Banquo!" + +"Yis, sah; I'se heah." + +"Show the lady out--good morning, ma'am, good morning." + +"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing his walk; "she's +plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant; if she only hadn't that +raft of _incumbrances_; what do these people have incumbrances for, +anyway?--" + +"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo. + +"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat for the lady; yes, +ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I advertised for one. How many +servants do I keep? Well, ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have +visitors? Of course I have. What and where are _my rooms_? Why, madam, I +own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go to bed, and get up, and +go round; come in and out, when I feel like it. What church do I worship +in? I've assisted in _building_ a number, own a half of one, and a third +of several; but, ma'am, between you and I--I don't want to be rude to a +lady, ma'am, but I _do_ think, this examination ain't to my liking--you +don't think the place would suit you, eh? Well, I think _your ladyship_ +wouldn't suit _me_, ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said +old Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and acrimonious +dame, who, returning the old gentleman's _bow_ with the same "high +pressure" order, seized her skirts in one hand, and agitating her fan +with the other, she stepped out, or _finikined_ along to the hall door, +and as Banquo flew around, and put on the _extras_ to let her ladyship +out, she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and looking +crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the steps and +disappeared. + +"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please--of'n!" said the pouting +negro. + +"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering in a rather +ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home daughter of the "gim o' the +sae." The old gentleman eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his +snuff-box, he answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if _he_ was the +gintleman wanting the housekeeper. + +"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?" + +"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord, was saying till +us--" + +"Are you married, too?" + +"Married _two_? Do I look like a woman as would marry two? No, _sur_; +I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my +husband, sur; he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was _sun +sthruck_, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur." + +"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband--one dollar, +there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good morning, ma'am. Banquo, +show the good woman to the door." + +"But, sur, I want the place!" + +"I don't want _you_--good morning." + +"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman to the hall. + +"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid." + +"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, _go!_" roared the old gent. + +"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said--says he--who the divil you +push'n, you black nager?" said the woman, grabbing Banquo's woolly +top-knot. + +"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards the door. + +"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur--" + +"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs. Geaughey, while +his master was gesticulating furiously to keep on _crowding_ her. +Finally, Banquo vanquished the Irish woman, and received orders from his +master to admit no more applicants--the place was filled. + +That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes--a retired merchant and +ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the habit of exchanging +visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy and water, talking over old times +and playing chess--came to finish a litigated game, and Job and he +discussed the matter of taking care of the widow and children of the +dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the second +interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her children, proved +satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take them in; if found more than +Job could attend to-- + +"Why a--I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes. + +Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared at the door of +Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full of pleasant anticipations, ushered +them into the retired merchant's presence. + +It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave the group, +that the battle was more than half won. + +"Fine boy, that; come here, sir--eleven years of age, eh? Your name's +Martin--Martin Glenn, eh? Well, Martin, my lad, you've got a big world +before you--a fussing, fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth +the powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your position in +the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they are; but you may make a +good man; if the world don't benefit you, why a--you can benefit it; +that's the way I've done--been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it, +neither," said the old man, with evident emotion. + +"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown girl for your age, +surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable of 'keeping house,' too; you've +got a world before you, too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a +world full of deceit and _misery_--look at your mother, look at me! Ah, +well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these--these +_incumbrances_, and mine, poor devil--for not having 'em. Cynthia, +you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know. Ah, here's mamma's pet, I +suppose; Rose Glenn, very pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty. +Lips and cheeks like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds. +Ma'am, you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass to +call these _incumbrances_. They are jewels of inestimable value. What's +my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents, houses, goods and chattels, +that fire may destroy, and thieves steal--to these blessings that--that +God has given the lone widow to strengthen her--cheer her in the dark +path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it now, plainer +than I ever did before. Banquo!" + +"Yis'r, I'se here, massa." + +"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately; tell Captain +Winepipes to come over--I want to see him. I'm going to make a fool of +myself, I believe." + +"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I guess dere's suffin gwoin to happen to +dat lady and dem chil'ns--shuah!" said Banquo, rushing out of the house. + +The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job Carson +proposed--and the widow, of course, consented--that Martin Glenn should +become the adopted son of the old gentleman, Job Carson; and that he +should choose a trade or profession, which he should then, or later, +learn, making the old gentleman's house as much his home as +circumstances would permit; the two girls were to remain under the same +roof with the mother, who was at once installed as housekeeper for the +bluff and generous old gentleman. + +Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement, to wit: +that both girls should be educated at his expense, which was finally +acceded to, adding, that in case he--Captain Joseph Winepipes--should +live to see Rose Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and +give her a dowry. + +"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said Job, "and that I, +Job Carson, do agree, should I live to see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give +her a comfortable start in the world--set that down, for I will do it, +yes, I will," said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box. + + * * * * * + +Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the debt of nature; he +did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife; but, nevertheless, he left a +clause in his will, that fully carried out his expressed intentions when +Rose did marry, some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet +seventeen. Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing office, and +very recently filled one of the most important stations in the judiciary +of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous part in the recent war with Mexico. +Cynthia was wedded to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an +event that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to, donated +a sum, quite munificent, towards making things agreeable in the progress +of her married life. Widow Glenn remained a faithful servant and friend +to the old merchant, and, upon his death, she became heir to the family +mansion, and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large +bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes, but +the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son, Martin, who proved not +unworthy of his good fortune. Banquo ended his days in the service of +the widow, who had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle +that conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in guise +of a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT. + + + + +Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life. + + +We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no +disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have +little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty, +make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences, as +though it was "against the law" to be poor. It is the cause of +incalculable human misery, to _seem_ what we are _not_; to appear beyond +_want_--yea, even in affluence and comfort, when the belly is robbed to +clothe the back--the inner man crucified to make the outside _lie_ you +through the world, or into--genteel "society." This, though abominable, +is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs, crime and fun, in +this old world that we temporarily inhabit. + +Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and diverting--and +certainly none the less instructive garb--than to hunt up misery, and +depict the woeful tragics of our existence, we will give the facts of a +case--not uncommon, we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of +one of the parties. + +In most cities--especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and Washington, are +any quantity of decayed families; widows and orphans of men--who, while +blessed with oxygen and hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and +active--held offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled +them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high heads, and go +into what is called "good society;" meaning of course where good +furniture garnishes good finished domiciles, good carpets, good rents, +good dinners, and where good clothes are exhibited--but where good +intentions, good manners and morals are mostly of no great importance. +As, in most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident, the head +of the family collapses, or dies,--the reckless regard for society +having led to the squandering of the income, fast or faster than it +came, the poor family is driven by the same society, so coveted, to hide +away--move off, and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is +capable, work their way through the world, under tissues of false +pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a family we have in +view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative office under government, in the +city of Washington. Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died. +There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies having always +cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital--which society, let us +tell you, is of the most fluctuating, tin-foil and ephemeral character; +it was by some considered strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had +been decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale of +their most expensive furniture--the horses, carriage, and man-servant +disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized society that they were going +north, to reside upon an estate of the Colonel's in New York. And so +they vanished. Whither they went or how they fared society did not know, +and society did not care! + +Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest twenty-three, +_confessedly_, and the youngest, the son, seventeen. Marriages, in such +society, floating and changing as it does in Washington, are not +frequent, and less happy or prosperous when effected; every body, +inclined to become acquainted, or form matrimonial connections, are ever +on the alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and under +such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice Somebody--though a +pretty girl--talented, as the world goes, highly educated, too, as many +hundreds beside her, was still a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was, +Mrs. Somebody was a woman of experience in the world--indeed, a dozen +years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very definite +ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as the means were cut off +to live in their usual style and expensiveness--Mrs. Somebody packed up +and retired to Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a +store--the daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted +to--as a matter of _diversion_--they could not think of earning a +living, of course!--the needle--while Mrs. Somebody arranged a pair of +neat apartments, for two "gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as +boarders. + +During their palmy days at the capital of the nation, Miss Alice +Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman named Rhapsody,--of +pleasant and respectable demeanor, _an office-holder_, but not high up +enough to suit the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady; and +so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for favor or +preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he was a recognized +visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed to make an impression upon +the heart's affections of the Colonel's daughter. + +Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in the fates and +fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted. Nor was our friend Rhapsody +without his changes,--mutations of fortune, a change of government, made +changes. Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified to +find his "services no longer required," as a new hand was awaiting his +withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to custom at the capital--lived up to and +ahead of his salary; and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his +exit from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect or +personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and without patronage or +position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily he had a trade), was a boot-maker. +Start not, reader, at the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency +to shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has been sadly +neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody was but a boot-maker, and no +doubt quite as gentlemanly--physically and mentally considered, as the +many thousands who merely _wear_ boots, for the luxury of which they are +indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody came down +gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his level, only changing the scene +of his endeavors to the city of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings--pride. +He sought obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors of +his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water, and await that +tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he might again be drifted to +fortune and favor. + +Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose late--took +breakfast, read the news--smoked--lounged--dressed, and went through the +ordinary evolutions of a gentleman of leisure, until he dined at 3 P. +M.; then, by a circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop--put on his +working attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when, having +accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed--walked to his +hotel--talked politics--fashions, etc., took his glass of wine with a +friend, and very quietly retired; to rise on the morrow, and go through +the same routine from day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to +an eligible marriage, or a place. + +Rhapsody--we must give him the credit of the fact--from no mawkish +feeling of his own, but from force of public opinion, resorted to this +secret manner of eking out his daily bread, and acting out his part of +the fictitious gentleman. During one of his morning +lounges--accidentally, Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They +had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome to +conceive, that Miss Alice--under the new order of things--was more +pleased than otherwise to renew the acquaintance of other days, with a +gentleman still supposed to be--and his attire and manner surely gave +no sign of an altered state of affairs--in a position recognizable by +society. + +Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family, and Miss Alice +in particular--with fervor. He admitted himself no longer an _attache_ +of government, but offset the deprivation of government patronage, by +asserting that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than the +drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship--he was studying political +economy, and the learned profession of the law! + +The Somebodies were _game_; not a concession would they make to stern +indigence; it was merely for the sake of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody, +and the solace of retirement from the gay and tempestuous whirls of +society, that _we_ changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic +show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of substance. He knew how +easy it was to account for the expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a +year, but it did not so readily appear possible for a man holding the +Colonel's place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor, +without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless, _somebody_, +and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt upon it, the more he absorbed +the idea of forming an alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the +favor with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as +desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or gossamer +projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine friend, Rhapsody, we +know not; but that he whacked away more cheerily at his trade, and kept +up his appearances spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and +artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it to the +satisfaction of his employers. + +The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in the characters +of the two young women, particularly commendatory to Rhapsody; he +seldom paid them a morning or afternoon call, that they were not +diligently engaged with needles and Berlin wool--fashioning wrought +suspenders for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister, or +the Rev. Mr. So-and-So--the recently made inmate of the family. The +multiplicity of such performances, for brother, mother, sister, the +reverend gentleman--_mere pastime_, as Mrs. Somebody would remark,--most +probably would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of many +adventurous _Lotharios_; but Rhapsody, though, as we see, a man of the +world, had something yet to learn of society and its complexities. +Things progressed smoothly--the reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled +Miss Alice and the mother upon the issue of coming events--the lively +young lawyer, etc., etc.,--and it seemed to be a settled matter that +Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody at last. + +Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his laboring garments, +made his return of work and received more. Whilst thus out, one evening, +on business, in making a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon +Mrs. Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down a cellar--into +a shop--up an alley, or sunk through the footwalk, had any such +opportunity offered, but there was none--he was there--beneath the flame +of a street lamp, with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off +from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy! + +He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy and turbulent +ward--apprehended a disturbance--donned those shady habiliments, and the +large green bag in his hand, that a--well, though it did not seem to +contain such goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books +and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the caucus! +Rhapsody got through--it was a tight shave; he dexterously declined +accompanying the ladies home--they were rather queerly attired +themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody; they made some excuse for their +appearance, and so the maskers _quit, even_. Time passed on--Alice and +Rhapsody had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of an hymenial +conclusion, when another _contretemps_ came to pass--it was the grand +finale. + +It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in haste, sought the +shop of his employer; he had work in hand which, being ordered done at a +certain hour, for an anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His +green bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,--the servant of the +customer was awaiting the arrival of the _bottier_ and his master's +boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's verdant-colored satchel, +and out came the boots, and which underwent many critical inspections, +eliciting sundry professional remarks from the shopman, to our hero, +Rhapsody, who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the +more humble name of _Mr. Jones_, in the shop. The customer's servant +stood by the counter--fencing off a lady, further on--from immediate +notice of Rhapsody. A side glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens +of most elegantly-wrought slippers--the boss of the shop, and the lady, +were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered articles; the +lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody and the garrulous shopman, turned +toward the poor fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into +the green bag--their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish sensation +peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a shower bath, during his +first _douse_, or the incipient criminal detected in his initiatory +crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody, +without the nerve to gather up her work, or withstand a further test of +the force of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red +as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at least to all +but Rhapsody. + + * * * * * + +Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning--a servant announced a +gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview with Mr. Rhapsody--it +was granted, and soon _Jones_, the _boot-maker_, confronted the Rev. Mr. +So-and-So. Though an inclination to _smile_ played about the pleasant +features of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon what he +called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that gentleman patiently +hearing the story out, quietly asked: + +"Are you, sir, here as an accuser--denouncer, or an ambassador of peace +and good will?" + +"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the reverend +gentleman. + +"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary concessions--a +clean breast of it, you may say. I am in a false position--struggling +against public opinion--false pride--falsely, and yet honestly, working +my way through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally, than _Jones, +the boot-maker_. Now," continued Rhapsody, "if a false purpose covers +not a false heart also, I can yet be happy in the affections of Miss +Somebody, and she in mine. For those who can battle as we have, against +the common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity, may +surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation and support, our +fortunes joined." + +"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend gentleman, "in +your character, if I was in your occupation; and you may rely upon my +friendly service in an amicable and definite arrangement of this very +delicate matter." + + * * * * * + +When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our friend Rhapsody was +reinstated in his place, occupied years before, and by fortuitous +circumstances he got still higher--an appointment of trust connected +with a handsome salary; so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to +re-enter the Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the +national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously driven by +the death of the husband and father. Mrs. Somebody, that was, however, +is now a much older and much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial +friend, who vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's +repugnance to leather--and for sundry quibbles--yea, strong arguments +against any blood of hers ever uniting with the fates and fortunes of a +boot-maker; with what _propriety_, her experience has long since taught +her. Alice is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children, the +wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public opinion forced him to +mask the means that gave him bread. Rhapsody is no longer a politician, +or office-holder, but engaged in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort +and position in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of +"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's standing jokes, +to friends at the fireside and dinner table; but that such a safe and +happy tableau would again befall parties so circumstanced, is a very +material question; and the moral of our story, being rather complex, +though very definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to +determine. + + + + +A Distinction with a Difference. + + +A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas +day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott, +"Got any Psalms here?" + +"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a +moment's pause, and handing down a copy of Hood, "here's plenty of old +Joe's!" + +The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at _the pictures_, and with a +countenance indicative of having been tasting a crab-apple--left! + + + + +Pills and Persimmons. + + +I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather +addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New +Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for +hardware, wrote his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the +captain of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor got +him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the hurry, the old +man dashed off his _P. S._, but upon attempting to read the whole order +over, he couldn't make head or tail of it. + +"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is; they are +better scholars in England than I am--_they'll make it out_." + +Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over, among the rest of +the stuff were the so many kegs of nails, but upon opening one of these +kegs, it was full, or nearly so, of American quarter dollars. The old +man roared out in a [word missing]. + +"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if _they_ ain't scholars, +fust-rate scholars, in England; _it's worth while sending 'em bad +manuscript_." + +A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial +transaction that actually took place within a year or two, between +parties severally situated in Boston and the city of San Francisco, +California. As we consider the whole transaction rather _rich_, we +transcribe it for the diversion it may furnish. + +Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a shop in San +Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending all sorts of cheap +clothing, and making, on the same, more money than a horse could pull; +and in his package, he was in the habit of sending articles for friends, +&c. A gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston, +acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found, upon looking +around San Francisco, that his own business, _lawing_, wasn't worth two +cents, as many of his craft were turning their attention to matters more +useful to the human family--digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving +teams, &c. So lawyer Bunker _turned_ his attention from Blackstone, +Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red, blue-black +law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums. Bunker found that the great +appetite we Yankees have for quack medicines, pills and powders, +suffered no diminution in the gold country; on the contrary, the +appetite became rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found +that a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted, was absolutely +making his fortune, by the manufacture of dough pills, spiced with +coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel. + +"Egad!" says Bunker, "_I'll_ go into medicine. I'll write to a friend in +Boston, to send me _out_ a few medicine and receipt books, and a lot of +pulverized liquorice, quinine, &c., with a pill machine, and I guess +I'll be after my New York butchering friend in a double brace of +shakes." + +Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he wrote a +first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of being able to equal, +if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the +scratchings of a poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering +over foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the marks of +a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of ye ancient Egyptians! +In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript was awful; a few of his most +intimate friends, only, pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to +one of these friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle +Sam's mail _poche_, and in fever heat he awaits the return of the +precious combustibles that were to make his fortune. In course of time, +Bunker's friends receive the order, but, alas! it was all Greek to them; +they cyphered in vain, to make out any thing in the letters except +_persimmons_. + +"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does Joe want with +persimmons?" + +They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking the final +sentence, "_send, without delay, persimmons_." + +"Persimmons?" said one. + +"Persimmons?" echoed another. + +"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want with _persimmons_?" +responded a third. + +"Persimmons!" all three chimed. + +"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow." + +"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that," responded +another. + +"Persimmons are not medicinal." + +"They are not chemical." + +"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science, law, or +religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor at law, want us to +forward, without delay, _persimmons_?" + +Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's letter was very +brief, strictly to the point, and that point was--_persimmons!_ In the +first place, it is not everybody that knows exactly what persimmons are, +where they come from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's +friends had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred to him +that possums, and some human beings, especially the colored pop'lation, +were the only critters particularly fond of the fruit. Webster was +consulted, to see what light he cast upon the matter: he informed them +that "_Persimmon_ was a tree, and its fruit, a species of _Diospyros_, a +native of the States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when not +ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe, luscious and +highly nutritious." + +"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet Joe's sick; +persimmons have been prescribed for his cure, and the sooner we send the +persimmons the better!" + +"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the man who had a faint +idea of what persimmons were, "they make beer, first-rate beer of +persimmons, in the South, and it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going +into persimmon beer business; as you say, he _may be_ sick--persimmon +beer may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward the +persimmons without delay!" + +Now persimmons never ripen until _touched_ pretty smartly with Jack +Frost. This was in September; persimmons were mostly full grown, but not +ripe. A large keg of them was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams +& Co.'s great Express to San Francisco could take them out, _the +persimmons went!_ + +Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward without delay the +tools and remedial agents to make his fortune in the pill business, went +to work, got him an office, changed his name, and added an M. D. to it, +had a sign painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that on +such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all ills, from lumbago +to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw, spring fever to yaller +janders, and in his enthusiasm, he sat down with a ream of paper, to +count up the profits, and calculate the time it would take to get his +pile of gold dust and start for home. + +The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open, and he found +customers began to _call_, and sure enough, in comes a large keg, direct +through from the States, to his address; the freight bill on it was +pretty considerable, but Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that +now he was all right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the +lumbago, or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of human +woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out. He closed his door, +opened his cask-- + +"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?" was the first +_burst_, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and seeing, nicely packed, the +green and purple, round and glossy--he couldn't tell what. + +"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be _pills_--smell queer--some +mistake--can't be any mistake--my name on the cask--(tastes one of the +'article')--O! by thunder! (tastes again)--I'm blasted, they (tastes +again) are, by Jove, _persimmons!_ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he! +ha! ha! ha!" + +And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew livid in the +face. + +"I see--ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every line I wrote them, +except the last, and that--ha! ha! ha!--for my direction to send out my +stuff _per Simmons_, they send me PERSIMMONS! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!" + +But, after enjoying the _fun_ of the matter, ex-counsellor Bunker +discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at; _patients_ were at the +door--if he did not soon prescribe for their cases, his now numerous +creditors would prescribe for him! What was to be done? Very dull and +prosy people often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful +degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact applied to +ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was there to better his fortune, +and he felt bound to do it, persimmons or no persimmons. It occurred to +him, as those infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought to +_bring in_ something. By the aid of starch and sugar, Doctor +Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the smallest persimmons into +_pills_--sugar-coated pills--warranted to cure about all the ills flesh +was heir to, at $2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a +full-grown person, and as the patient left with a countenance much +"puckered up," and rarely returned, the _pseudo_ M. D. concluded there +was virtue in persimmon pills, and so, after disposing of his stock to +first-rate advantage, the doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill +trade, he _vamosed the ranche_ with about funds enough to reach home, +and explain to his friends the difference between _per_ Simmons and +_persimmons!_ + + + + +Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor. + + +A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a +very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the +"Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would +be to an invalid. It may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's +name in print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial +columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues scanning and +pronouncing it every day, or week--hundreds and thousands of the fair +sex wondering whether he is a young or an old man, a married man or a +bachelor; while the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of +his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, Puseyite, or +Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or Baptist; and the politicians +scanning his views, to discover whether he _leans_ toward the +_Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or Whigs_--all being necessarily much +mystified, inasmuch as the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to +study, and most vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning +diplomatist--stroke every body's hair with the _grain!_ + + + + +The Tribulations of Incivility. + + +"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?" + +"Collins?" was the response. + +"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the hardy-looking, +bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, flippant-mannered, be-whiskered +man of vast importance, presiding over the affairs of one of our +"first-class hotels." + +"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager. + +"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a gentleman who came +out passenger with us some time ago; he left it in Bremen--wanted me to +fetch it out when the ship returned--here it is." + +"What do you want to leave it here for? We know nothing about the man, +sir." + +"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put up here, and told +me he'd be around when we got into port again. He was a deuced clever +fellow, and you ought to have kept the reckoning of such a man," said +the seaman. + +"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of the hotel, "that +they are no novelties, sir." + +"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate some of them, for +there's no danger of the world's getting crowded with a crew of good +men." + +"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, sir, but we +want none of your impertinence!" + +"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of your craft; if +you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that my friend Collins is +piped up, or that this package be stowed away where he could come afoul +of it. His name is Collins; here it is in black and white, on the +parcel, and here's where I was to drop it." + +One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, whispered his +dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English gentleman, late from +Bremen, was in the house, whereupon the dignified empressario, turning +to the self-possessed man of the sea, said-- + +"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we _suppose_ it's +correct." + +"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see that the gentleman +gets it; and I say," says the sailor, pushing back his hat and giving +his breeches a regular sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the +gentleman, Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the +Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure." + +But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman hardly +attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's message, and Mr. Brace, +first officer of the Triton, bore away, muttering to himself-- + +"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like to have that +powder monkey in my watch about a week--I'd have him down by the lifts +and braces!" + +Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October, when the +myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending their way from the +chilly north towards the sunny south, when the invalid seeks the tropics +in pursuit of his health, and the speculative man of business returns +with his "invoices," to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the +way. + +We are on board ship--the Triton ploughing the deep blue waters of the +ocean track from Sandy Hook to New Orleans; for October, the weather is +rather unruly, _damp_, and boisterous. We perceive a number of +passengers on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person or +two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the "first-class +hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed and pompous on +board the heaving and tossing ship as he did behind his marble slab in +"the office." "The sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the +starch out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time. +And from an overheard conversation between two hardy, noble specimens of +men that are men--two officers of the stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort +of the be-whiskered gentleman is in danger of a commutation. + +"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?" + +"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut of his jib coming +aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and I've got to travel together, and +we'll settle a little odd reckoning, if you please, or if you don't +please, afore we see the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack +hotel in York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced good +fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey, loblolly-looking swab, +puts on his airs, sticks up his nose, and hardly condescends to exchange +signals with me. Ha! ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take +the tail feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same hardy, +frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already formed something +of a brief acquaintance. The person to whom Brace was addressing himself +was the second officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that +whatever nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things uneasy for +Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class hotel," was to be +done, by mutual management of the two salt-water jokers. + +"It appears to me, that a--bless me, sir, a--how this ship rolls!" said +Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing Mr. Brace; "I--a never saw a +ship roll so." + +"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what we'll catch before a +week's out." + +"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops, balancing +himself on first one leg and then the other. + +"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta any time than +go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast than are lost anywhere +else on the four seas." + +"You don't say so!" said Lollypops. + +"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging private and +mysterious signals with the second officer, who held the wheel. + +"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr. Brown did let her up, +and the way the Triton took head down and heels up and a roll to +windward, did not speak so well for the nautical _menage_ of the +officers as it did for the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers. +The avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors look +quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient voyager or two, and +sundry other travelling gentry--very suddenly into the cabin. The next +day the same performance followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck +was a signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double _roll_ on the +ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and reefs, dangerous +points and dreadful currents were descanted upon, until Mr. Lollypops' +health, at the end of the first week, was no better fast; in fact, he +was getting sick of the voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A +fine morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk the +decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders to wash down the +decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, _ergo_, as far as the main top; +immediately the first officer had the men "going about," heaving here +and letting go there; in short, so endangering the hat and underpinning +of the be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was fain +to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl into the cabin, +damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted with what he had seen of the +sea! Accidentally, one afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or +other, the careless sailor who held it, or should have held it--"let go +all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood; the +result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown and other +equipments--ruined eternally! Going into the cabin, Lollypops inquires +for the Captain-- + +"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am, Sir; look at +me, only look at me! In rough weather we do not expect pleasant times at +sea, but, Sir, ever since I have been on board, Sir, your infernal +officers, Sir, have thrown this ship into all manner of unpleasant +situations, kept the decks wet, rattled chains over my berth, +wang-banged the rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all +over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not all the +result of accident--it's premeditated rascality!" + +"Sir"--says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis, "my name's +Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in New York, you rather put on +_airs_, and I said if you and I ever got to sea together--we'd have a +_blow_ out. Now we're about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter +square--" + +"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!" says +Lollypops. + +"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run to Orleans!" +continued officer Brace. + +Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got over his anger, +vowed to look deeper into character, and never again rebuff honest +manliness, though hid under the coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A +hearty laugh closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination +attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for a finer, drier +craft never danced over the ocean wave, than that good ship, under +_rational_ management. + + + + +The Broomstick Marriage. + + +"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and +calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty +lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A +certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant +temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was "laid up," over +winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee county. Having nearly +exhausted his private stock of jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life +and liveliness of the season, he bethought him how he should create a +little _stir_, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor, who +had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by his rather _taking_ +person and manners, cut something of a swath in the community, and +especially amongst the _calico!_ + +The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access to private society +that ordinary circumstances did not vouch to most men. Among the many +families with which Dr. Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of +old Capt. Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his hale +old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude of +agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering salt, whimsical, but +generous and social, as old sailors most generally are. He was supposed +to be in easy circumstances, but _how_ easy, very few knew. + +Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters, one +married and "settled," the other two at home; an ancient colored woman, +who had served in the Captain's family,--ship and shore--a lifetime. +Dinah and old Sam, her husband, with two or three farm-laborers, +constituted the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter, the +old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but that not being +warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of attachment, he ever called his +daughter, Betsy, and so she was called by _almost_ everybody at all +familiar with the family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject, +by name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of +four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful. She +was useful, and even ornamental in her old father's eyes, and, as he was +wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten salt-water _linguae_-- + +"Betsy was a _craft_, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted +craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut, Baltimore clipper, +fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees! Betsy is a _woman_; her mother was +just like her when I fell in with her, and it wasn't long afore I +chartered her for a life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman +slip her cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,' when +he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command, is not a +_man_, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!" + +Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt. Figgles, there was an +intimacy of some years' standing, but the old Captain and the young +Captain didn't exactly "hitch horses"--whether it was because Capt. T. +came under the old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked +upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not. + +Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so sort of business +sociality, though both the junior Captain and the Doctor were intimate +enough with both the Miss Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was +about to leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of old +Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical joke, or +have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a yarn for the season, on his +boat. + +The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the Doctor and Captain +were among the invited guests, of course, and for some hours the +assembled party had indeed as grand a good time generally as usually +falls to the lot of a country community. Old black Ebenezer--but whose +name had also been cut down for convenience sake to _Sam_, by the old +Captain--did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle, which, aided by a +youngster on the triangle and another on the tambourine, formed quite "a +full band" for the occasion, and dancing was done up in style! + +As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the programme, +somebody proposed games of this and games of that, and while old Capt. +Figgles was as busy as "a flea in a tar bucket"--to use the old +gentleman's simile--fulminating and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg +flip for the entire party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of +paired off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss Figgleses, +to get up their own game. + +"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy, Doctor, and I'll +pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter of Capt. F.), and now what +say you? Let's make up a wedding-party--_let's jump the broomstick!_" + +"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?" + +"I'll be parson," says Capt. T. + +"Well, get your book." + +"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of current Scripture into +the _pseudo_ parson's hands. + +"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt. Tiller, assuming +quite the air and grace of the parson. + +Bridesmaids, grooms, &c., were soon arranged in due order, and the +interesting ceremony of joining hands and hearts in one happy bond of +mutual and indissoluble (slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was +progressing. + +"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting the old man, now +busy concocting his grog for all hands. + +"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old gentleman; "haven't +you common decency to see when a man's engaged in a _calculation_ he +oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?" + +"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber, who, in fact, +was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss Betsy, and had had a slight +inkling of a fact that by the law of the State anybody could marry a +couple, and the marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as +though performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young folks +"in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief. + +"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles. + +"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain. + +"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout," said the +old gent. + +"But don't you know, Cap'n----" + +"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited Captain. "Bear away +out of here," he continued, beginning to get down the glasses from the +corner-cupboard shelves, "unless--but stop! hold on! here, take this +waiter, Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to stand +by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts and braces, dry as +powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all hands--ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the +old Captain; "bear up, the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't +nobody stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral--come up and try +Capt. Figgles's grog!" + +And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the _le'ard_, +sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping bowl he knew he was +"in for" from the hands of his indulgent old master. + +In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour, and the bride +and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the rest of the company as +happily together as turtle-doves in a clover-patch. The evening's +entertainment wound up with an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting +ended. Dr. Mutandis lived some five miles distant, and having a call to +make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M. concluded to +stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was leaving, he took occasion to +whisper into the ear of his medical friend-- + +"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if you did but +know it--fast as a church! Good time to you and Betsy!" + +"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me, since I come to +think it over, that the laws of this State do privilege anybody to marry +a couple! By thunder! it would be a fine spot of work for me if I was +held to the ceremony by Miss Figgles!" + +But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast, he +departed upon his business. He had no sooner entered the house of his +patient, than he was wished much joy and congratulated upon the +_fatness_ and jolly good nature of his bride! + +"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair. It's all a +hoax--a mere bit of fun!" + +"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?--you call getting married _fun_?" + +"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's; there was a +quilting and sort of a frolic going on----" + +"Yes, we heard of it." + +"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt. Tiller +proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and I stood up, and +Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had some sport." + +"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house), "Capt. Tiller has got +you into a tight place, Doctor; he's been around, laughing at the trick +he's played you, as perhaps you were not aware of the fact that by the +law you are now just as legally and surely married as though the knot +was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!" + +"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged Doctor. "He's a +scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!" + +"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object, and her +father is willing and satisfied with the match as it is, I don't see, +Doctor, that you need mind the matter." + +"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor. + +"You were never previously married, were you?" says the farmer. + +"No, sir," replied the Doctor. + +"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator. + +"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly as increasing +my responsibilities to society!" + +"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate you upon this +very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable joke, for Capt. Figgles +is worth nearly a quarter of a million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy +is no gaudy butterfly, but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may +be proud of as your wife." + +"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go back to the +Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the pardon of Miss Figgles and +her father, and terminate this unpleasant farce." + +The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon they were at +Capt. Figgles's door. + +"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse I _can_ offer for +the fool I've made of myself, through that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but, +sir----" + +"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor broad in the face, +"I've got wind of the whole affair; now ease off your palaver. You've +married my daughter Betsy, in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a +Commodore, and all I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if +you don't want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey +for the rest of your natural life." + +"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir." + +"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say you--are you +willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or not? Hold up your head, my +gal--speak out!" + +"Yes--_I'm agreed, if he is_," said she. + +"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to the Doctor), to +make all right and tight, I here give you, in presence of the 'Squire, +my favorite daughter Betsy, and one of the best farms in the State of +New York. Are you satisfied, Doctor?" + +"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter a happy woman!" +returned the Doctor, and he did; he became the founder of a large +family, and one of the wealthiest men in the State. + +Rather pleased, finally, with the _joke_, the Doctor managed to turn it +upon the Captain, who in due course of law was arrested upon the charge +of illegally personating a parson, and marrying a couple without a +license! He was fined fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus +caused to laugh on the wrong side of his mouth. + + + + +Appearances are Deceitful. + + +There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to +the character and standing of persons, as judged by their dress and +other outward signs. It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone +of voice, are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the +present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt address, or +shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for putting, however honest, +or worthy, a man in a prominent attitude before the world, or the +community he moves in. Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety, +sometimes assume an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers all +very well, as long as they keep where they are known; but to find out +the levelling principles of utter nothingness among your fellow mortals, +only assume a shabby apparel and stroll out among strangers, and you'll +be essentially _knocked_ by the force of these facts. However, in this +or almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any excuse, +for a man, woman, or child going about or being "shabby." Let your +garments, however coarse, be made clean and whole, and keep them so; if +you have but one shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the +fragments washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the +refreshing and purifying effects of water. + +General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of South Carolina. +A man he was of the most punctilious precision in manners and customs, +in courtesy, and cleanliness of dress and person; a man of brilliant +talents, and, in every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr. +Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and during his +sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old lady by the name of Hall, I +think--Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim and precise dame of the old regime. +Mistress Hall was a widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old +mansion, on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members of +Congress, or belonged to the Continental army. Never, since the days of +that remarkable lady we read of in the books, who made her servant take +her chair out of doors, and air it, if any body by chance sat down on +it, and who was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed +the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,--exceeded +Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette; hence it may be well +imagined that "shabby people" and the "small fry" generally, found +little or no favor in the eyes of the Quaker landlady of "ye olden +time." + +General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned his place, it +was filled by another noted individual of Charleston, General Lowndes, +one of the most courteous and talented men of his day, but the +slovenliest and most shockingly ill-accoutred man on record. But for the +care and watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence at +the time--Mrs. Lowndes,--the General would probably have frequently +appeared in public, with his coat inside out, and his shirt over all! + +General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended by his +friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's; General P. giving General +Lowndes a letter of introduction to that lady. Travelling was a slow and +tedious, as well as fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that +after a journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with some +pretensions to dress and respectable _contour_, would be apt to look a +little "mussy;" but for the poor General's part, he looked hard enough, +in all conscience, and had he known the _effect_ such an appearance was +likely to produce upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the +temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views were far +above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a thing as paying +deferential courtesies to a man's garments, was something not dreamed of +in his philosophy. + +"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant answering the +ponderous, lion-headed knocker. + +"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis way, sah, into de +parlor, sah." + +The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place were seated a +dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big bugs" of the olden time. Not +one moved to offer the stranger a seat by the fire, although his warm +Southern blood was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the +evening. The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy +and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await the presence +of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing; coming into the parlor, +with her astute cap upon her majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her +nose, as stately as a stage queen! + +"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and making a very +polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?" + +"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes with considerable +diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?" + +"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I--a--purpose remaining in the +city some time, and--a--I shall be pleased to put up with you." + +"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply. "My house is +full; I cannot accommodate you." + +"Well, really, that _will_ be a disappointment, indeed," said the +General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and may find it +difficult to procure permanent lodgings." + +"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are _taverns_ enough, where +strangers are entertained." + +The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender the stranger any +information upon the subject, but several eyed him very hard, and +doubtless felt pleased to see the discomfitted and ill-accoutred +traveller seize his baggage, adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which +_he_ was evidently very loth to do. + +Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred to him that +Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at the widow's, and also had +given him a letter of introduction to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence +caused the General to retrace his steps back into the parlor, where, +placing his portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened it, +and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no small wonder of the +landlady and her respectable boarders. + +"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly said the +General, still overhauling his baggage. + +"A letter for _me_, sir?" responded the lady. + +"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended me to stop +with you. Ah, here it is, from your friend General Pinckney, of South +Carolina." + +"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen present +cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore open the letter, while +Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau, and all of a sudden, quite +an incarnation spread its roseate hues over her still elegant features. + +Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening, madam, good +evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the institution, when the lady +arrested him with: + +"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?" + +"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with a dignified +bow. + +According to all accounts, just then, there was a very sudden rising +about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs, as if they had all just +been _struck_ with the idea that there was a stranger about! + +"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I don't wish to disturb +any of you, as I'm about to leave." + +"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr. Pinckney is +welcome to my house. Though we are full, I can make room for _you_, +sir." + +The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate friends, +when they became better acquainted. + + + + +Cigar Smoke + + +Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in +this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smokers. The +growing passion for the noxious weed is truly any thing but pleasantly +contemplative. A boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and +by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house developed +faculties, quite advanced in years! And street smoking, too, has +increased, at a rate, within a year past, that bids fair to make the +Puritan breezes of our evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as +meets one's nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New York. +There is but one idea of useful import that we can advance in favor of +smoking, to any great extent, in our city: consumption and asthmatic +disorders generally are more prevalent here than in other and more +southern climates, and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking, +to a moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable; but an +indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a dead waste of much +ready money, but injurious to the eyes, teeth, breath, taste, smell, and +all other senses. + + + + +An Everlasting Tall Duel + + +After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life, +especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great deal +of music mixed up with the misery, fun with the fuss and feathers, and +incident enough to last a man the balance of a long lifetime. + +While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of the Ohio volunteer +regiment were paid off one day, and, of course, all who could get +_leave_, started to town, to have a time, and get clear of their hard +earnings. + +The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated by the +Americans, that and the succeeding day. Several of the officers invested +a portion of their funds in mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut. +Dick Mason and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams. Now, it +so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole Mason's mule, and being +caught during the day with the stolen property on him, or he on it, the +high-handed private, (who, barring his propensity to ride in preference +to walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular with +the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken. + +"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut. Dick, "I'll give +him a lamming he won't forget soon!" + +And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the Lieutenant had him +whipped severely. This riled up Adjt. Wash., who, in good, round, +unvarnished terms, volunteered to lick the Lieutenant--out of his +leathers! From words they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow +or other the Lieutenant came out second best--bad licked! This sort of +a finale did not set well upon the stomach of the gallant Lieutenant; so +he ups and writes a challenge to the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat; +and readily finding a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and +delivered to Adjt. Armstrong, Company ----, Ohio volunteers. All these +preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in, Camargo. The Adjutant +readily accepted the invitation to step out and be shot at; and, having +scared up his second, and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels, +or other sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making wills +or leaving posthumous information. The duel went forward with alacrity, +but all of a sudden it was discovered by the several interested parties +that no arms were in the crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp +and look for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that +could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous tools as +could be found at hand, and go into the merits of the case at once. At +length the Adjutant and friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a +pistol, brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in the +year 1--sometime. It was a _scrougin_' thing to hold powder and lead, +and went off once in three times with the intonation of a four-pounder. + +"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do." + +"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the tool, and +swallowing down a fresh invoice of _ardiente_, the fighting men start to +muster up their opponents, whom they found armed and equipped, upon a +footing equal to the other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant +having a little _heavier_ piece, with a bore into which a gill measure +might be thrown. + +"But--the difference!" cried seconds and principals. + +"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant. + +"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds. + +"Where shall we go?" + +"Anywhere!" + +"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious seconds; "don't +want a crowd. Come on!" continue the seconds, very valorously; "let's +fight!" + +"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a chaparral, a mile +or so from town; "here is our ground!" + +The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about that, for the +bushes were so thick and high that precious little _ground_ was visible. + +"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions, is it?" says +the Adjutant's second. + +"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the _ground_, if you can find +it; let us go to work." + +"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second. + +"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds. + +"No, ten!" cry the principals. + +"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's second. "Twenty +paces; one, two, three----" + +And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance, the pieces +were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all around from an ample +jug of the R. G. they brought for the purpose, and then began the +memorable duel. The principals were placed in their respective +positions, to rake down each other; and from a safer point of the +compass the seconds gave the word. + +"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him down flat as a +hoe-cake. + +"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire. + +The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place upon a "question" +whether the Lieutenant had a _right_ to prime and fire again, or not. +The Adjutant being set upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing +to let the Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by +loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the Lieutenant, +placing the men, and giving the word, + +"One, two, three!" + +"Wang-g-g-g!" + +"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!" + +The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man, both being down; +but whether by concussion, recoil of their fusees, force of the liquor, +or weakness of the knee-pans, was a hard fact to solve. + +"Hurt, Wash.?" + +"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up. + +"Hit, Dick?" + +"No, _sir!_" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!" + +"Set 'em up!" + +"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds. + +All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-_chug_ go both men +again. The seconds rush forward, raise their men, all safe, load up +again, take a drink, all right. + +"Make ready, take aim, fire!" + +"Wang-g-g!" + +"Bang-g-g!" + +Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated, and the +Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg of his breeches! Both parties +getting very mad, very tired, and very anxious to try it on at ten +paces. Seconds object, pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and, + +"One, two, three, fire!" + +"Wang-g-g-g!" + +"Bang-g-g!" + +All down--load up again--take a drink--fire! and down they go again. It +is very natural to suppose that all this firing attracted somebody's +attention, and somebody came poking around to see what it was all about; +and just then, as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through +the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive--Bang-g! wang-g! and though it +seemed impossible to hit one another, the slugs, ricochetting over and +through the chaparral, knocked down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary +murder, and the rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds, +not _quite_ so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to +evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him one way, +and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a "Corporal's Guard" made +their appearance to arrest the _rioters_. In spite of the poor Mexicans' +protestations, or endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up +and carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and raising a +row in general. A night's repose brought the morning's reflection, when +the previous day's performances were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash, +and Dick became good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of +fraternity in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in storming +Monterey. + + * * * * * + +THE END. + + * * * * * + + + + + T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS + + + WIDDIFIELD'S + + NEW COOK BOOK: + + OR, + + PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE. + + BY + + HANNAH WIDDIFIELD, + + _Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article + she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia._ + +Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One +Dollar. + +There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a copy of +this work at once. It will give you all better meals and make your cost +of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and brothers in an +excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands, and is the _best_ and +only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant. It is written so that +all can understand it. It is taking the place of all other Cook Books, +for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as +a copy of this is worth all the other books, called Cook Books, in the +World. + +_Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it._ + +"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the best +families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady in her +profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth above Spruce +street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best livers in our city. +The receipts cover almost every variety of cake or dish, and every +species of cooking. One great advantage which this book enjoys over +almost every other is the simplicity with which the ingredients are set +forth, and the comparatively moderate cost at which particular receipts +may be got up. In most cook books the directions cover so large a cost, +that to common livers the directions had almost as well not be given. +This objection has been measurably removed in this new volume. Another +important matter is, no receipts are contained in it but those fully +tested, not only by the author, but by cooks and housekeepers most +competent to judge. The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish, +oysters, meat, poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has +been given to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and +convalescent. Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style, +wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is sold +at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on +receipt of One Dollar." + +_Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it._ + +"A number of good books on this subject have been published lately, but +this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen Its superiority +is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical directness of the +receipts; they are easily understood and followed. The book looks like +what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful practice. The +establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many years held the first rank +in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence of every article there +made; and now she crowns her well deserved celebrity by giving to the +world _the best book that has been written on the subject of cookery_. +The clear type in which the publisher presents it is no slight addition +to its value." + +_Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it._ + +"A Valuable Work.--Next to having something to eat is having it cooked +in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does not understand this +art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary teaching. This +want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has just published Mrs. +Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience of that celebrated +person in this line is given so clearly and with such precise details, +that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity to undertake the management +of household affairs, can make herself an accomplished caterer for the +table without serving an apprenticeship to the business. The book is +published in one volume, the typography good, and paper excellent, with +as much real useful information in the volume as would be worth a dozen +times its price. Get it at once." + +_Read what the Editors' wives think of it._ + +"It is unquestionably the _best_ Cook Book we have ever +seen."--_Saturday Evening Post._ + +"It is _the best_ of the many works on Cookery which have appeared. The +receipts are all plain and practical, and have never before appeared in +print."--_Germantown Telegraph._ + +"It is the _best_ Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should get a +copy at once."--_Berks Co. Press._ + +"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the subject of +Cookery extant."--_Ladies' National Magazine._ + +"It is the _very best_ book on Cookery and Receipts published."--_Dollar +Newspaper._ + +"It is the _very best family Cook Book in existence_, and we cordially +recommend it as such to our readers."--_Evening Bulletin._ + +"It is _the best Cook Book_ we have ever seen."--_Washington Union._ + +" Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to any one to +any place, _free of postage_, on remitting One Dollar to the Publisher, +in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling and +Publishing House of + + T. B. PETERSON, + + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + _To whom all orders must come addressed._ + + + BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE. + + + BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES. + + PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY + + T. B. PETERSON, + + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a. + + IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST + AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND + CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD. + + AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND + + CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S, + G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S, + T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON + AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON + BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S + HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S, GEORGE SANDS', + CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD. + + "The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what + books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble. + +SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.--Any person whatever in this country, +wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price of +the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102 +Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail, +to any place in the United States, _free of postage_. This is a splendid +offer, as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country, +for the regular price sold in the large cities, _free of postage_, on +sending for them. + +" All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent by +return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person +ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others +supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates. + +" Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here. + +" Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &c., throughout +the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would do well to +address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for a +comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you +may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of + +T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + + + T. B. PETERSON, + + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, + + HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE, + + STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS, + + Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications, + by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World. + + Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail. + + All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place, + per mail, _free of postage_, on receipt of the price. + + +MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS. + +With a beautiful Illustration in each volume. + +INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. This +is her new work, and is equal to any of her previous ones. Complete in +two large volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one +volume, cloth, for $1,25. + +THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. +Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or +bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25. + +THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a Splendid +Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest. It is +embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the author. +Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one +volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. +Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or +bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25. + +THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two +volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, +gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in +two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in cloth, gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two +volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, +gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter of the +celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor of England. This +is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is one of the best works +ever published in the English language, and will be read for generations +to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter Scott's celebrated novels. +Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one +volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy. + + +CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS. + +The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions. No +Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works. Reprinted from +the Author's last Editions. + +"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles +Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the +original London editions, and are now the only edition published in this +country. No library, either public or private, can be complete without +having in it a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all +living authors. Every family should possess a sett of one of the +editions. The cheap edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover; +either or all of which can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each. +The following are their names. + + DAVID COPPERFIELD, + NICHOLAS NICKLEBY, + PICKWICK PAPERS, + DOMBEY AND SON, + MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, + BARNABY RUDGE, + OLD CURIOSITY SHOP, + SKETCHES BY "BOZ," + OLIVER TWIST + BLEAK HOUSE + +DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New +Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's +Daughters, etc. + +CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing--A Christmas Carol. The Chimes. Cricket on +the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and Pictures from Italy. + +A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be +sent to any one to any place, _free of postage_, for Five Dollars. + +COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION. + +In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles +Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely +printed, and bound in various styles. + +Volume 1 contains Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop. + + " 2 do. Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge. + + " 3 do. Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit. + + " 4 do. David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories, + and Pictures from Italy. + + " 5 do. Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The + Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories + by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie + Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune + Wildred, etc. + +Price of a complete sett. Bound in Black cloth, full gilt back, $7.50 + + " " " scarlet cloth, extra, 8 50 + + " " " library sheep, 9 00 + + " " " half turkey morocco, 11 00 + + " " " half calf, antique, 15 00 + + " _Illustrated Edition is described on next page._ " + + +ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS. + +This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is +profusely illustrated, with all the original illustrations by +Cruikshank, Alfred Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London +edition, on copper, steel, and wood. Each volume contains a novel +complete, and may be had in complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth, +for Eighteen Dollars for the sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will +be sold separately, as follows: + + BLEAK HOUSE, _Price_, $1 50 + PICKWICK PAPERS, 1 50 + OLD CURIOSITY SHOP, 1 50 + OLIVER TWIST, 1 50 + SKETCHES BY "BOZ," 1 50 + BARNABY RUDGE, 1 50 + NICHOLAS NICKLEBY, 1 50 + MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, 1 50 + DAVID COPPERFIELD, 1 50 + DOMBEY AND SON, 1 50 + CHRISTMAS STORIES, 1 50 + DICKENS' NEW STORIES, 1 50 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in +black cloth, gilt back, $18,00 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in +full law library sheep, $24,00 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve vols., in +half turkey Morocco, $27,00 + +Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in +half calf, antique, $36,00 + +_All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style +with all the previous ten different editions._ + + +CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last +is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each +forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself. + + PETER SIMPLE. + JACOB FAITHFUL. + THE PHANTOM SHIP. + MIDSHIPMAN EASY. + KING'S OWN. + NEWTON FORSTER. + JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER. + PACHA OF MANY TALES. + NAVAL OFFICER. + PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS. + SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend. + PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts. + POOR JACK. Price 50 cents. + SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents. + + +ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo +volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover. + + THE ORPHAN NIECE. + KATE WALSINGHAM. + THE POOR COUSIN. + ELLEN WAREHAM. + THE QUIET HUSBAND. + WHO SHALL BE HEIR? + THE SECRET FOE. + AGNES SERLE. + THE HEIRESS. + PRINCE AND PEDLER. + MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER. + THE FRIGHT. + NAN DARRELL. + THE SQUIRE. + THE EXPECTANT. + THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts. + + +MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS. + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF AMERICAN LIFE. With +a Portrait of the Author. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover, +price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and +Twenty-five cents. + +THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete in two large +volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar, or bound in one +volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being the last +book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death. Complete in two +large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, +for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of the South. Complete +in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, +cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One +Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + +EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price +One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25. + +THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper +cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25. + +HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One +Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25. + +AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it, written by +Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published in any other +edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in two volumes, +paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for +One Dollar and Twenty-five cents. + + +T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are the +most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no better +books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them. + + YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE. + THE DIVORCED WIFE. + THE BANKER'S WIFE. + PRIDE AND PRUDENCE. + CECILIA HOWARD. + MARY MORETON. + LOVE IN A COTTAGE. + LOVE IN HIGH LIFE. + THE TWO MERCHANTS. + LADY AT HOME. + TRIAL AND TRIUMPH. + THE ORPHAN CHILDREN. + THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER. + INSUBORDINATION. + LUCY SANDFORD. + AGNES, or the Possessed. + THE TWO BRIDES. + THE IRON RULE. + THE OLD ASTROLOGER. + THE SEAMSTRESS. + + +CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS. + +CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete in one +large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on +finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By Charles Lever. +Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on +finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large +octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer +paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume +of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in +cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume. +Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, +illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete in one +large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, +bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New Book. Complete +in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer +paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven works. +Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an +edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar. + +VALENTINE VOX.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX, the Ventriloquist. +By Henry Cockton. One of the most humorous books ever published. Price +Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One +Dollar. + +PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox, the +Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents. + +TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits of Snap, Quirk, +Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large octavo vols., of 547 +pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, +$1,50. + + +CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS. + +KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular books +ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price One +Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25. + +CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812. First and +Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By Charles J. +Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents. + +GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J. Peterson. +Illustrated. Price 25 cents. + +THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN. A companion to Jane +Eyre. Price 25 cents. + + +EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS. + +THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it. By Eugene Sue, +author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest work ever written. With +illustrations. Complete in two large volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar. + +THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With 87 large +illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar. + +THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands. By Eugene Sue. +Price Twenty-five cents. + +FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810. Price +Twenty-five cents. + + +SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS. + +FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue," +"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents. + +THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents. + +THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents. + +CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12-1/2 cents. + + +MRS. GREY'S NOVELS. + +Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are +printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo +volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover. + + DUKE AND THE COUSIN. + GIPSY'S DAUGHTER. + BELLE OF THE FAMILY. + SYBIL LENNARD. + THE LITTLE WIFE. + MAN[OE]UVRING MOTHER. + LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters. + THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS. + THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA. + THE OLD DOWER HOUSE. + HYACINTHE. + ALICE SEYMOUR. + HARRY MONK. + MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents. + PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + + +GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS. + +THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth, By G. W. M. +Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents. + +THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By G. W. M. Reynolds. +Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents. + +LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN IN THE METROPOLIS +OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents. + + +AINSWORTH'S WORKS. + +JACK SHEPPARD.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK SHEPPARD, the most +noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker, that ever lived. Embellished +with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited Illustrations, designed and +engraved in the finest style of art, by George Cruikshank, Esq., of +London. Price Fifty cents. + +ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings. This is +beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever published in the +known world, and can be read and re-read with pleasure and satisfaction +by everybody. We advise all persons to get it and read it. Two volumes, +octavo. Price One Dollar. + +PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The Chief of the Gunpowder +Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated. By William Harrison +Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents. + +THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison Ainsworth. With +17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents. + +THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth. Full of +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William Harrison Ainsworth. +Price Fifty cents. + +MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth. Being one of the +most interesting Historical Romances ever written. One large volume. +Price Fifty cents. + +DICK TURPIN.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the Highwayman, Burglar, +Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents. + +HENRY THOMAS.--LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar and Murderer. +Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents. + +DESPERADOES.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF THE DESPERADOES OF THE +NEW WORLD. Full of engravings. Price Twenty-five cents. + +NINON DE L'ENCLOS.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON DE L'ENCLOS, with her +Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five +cents. + +THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime. Beautifully +illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents. + +PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT. Written by himself. +Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of Mrs. Ellen Lynch +and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of his life and misdeeds, +from the time of his birth until he was hung. Illustrated with +portraits. Price Twenty-five cents. + +JACK ADAMS.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK ADAMS; the celebrated +Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier, author of "The Spitfire." Full +of illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +GRACE O'MALLEY.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GRACE O'MALLEY. By +William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild Sports in the West." Price Fifty +cents. + +THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful +illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents. + + +ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS. + +THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE. +Being the conclusion of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and +"Bragelonne." By Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420 +octavo pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and +Engravings. Price One Dollar. + +LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL END OF THE IRON MASK. +By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen," +"Twenty Years After," "Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far +more interesting and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors. +Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the +best of paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct +Portraits of "Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask." +Price One Dollar. + +THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF LOUIS THE +FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully embellished with thirty +engravings, which illustrate the principal scenes and characters of the +different heroines throughout the work. Complete in two large octavo +volumes. Price One Dollar. + +THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE COURT OF LOUIS THE +SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas. +It is beautifully illustrated with portraits of the heroines of the +work. Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One +Dollar. + +SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By Alexandre Dumas. Being +the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace; or the Secret History of the +Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and "Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in +one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents. + +COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH MONARCHY. By Alexandre +Dumas. This work is the final conclusion of the "Memoirs of a +Physician," "The Queen's Necklace," and "Six Years Later, or Taking of +the Bastile." All persons who have not read Dumas in this, his greatest +and most instructive production, should begin at once, and no pleasure +will be found so agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and +absorbing. Complete in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One +Dollar. + +DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in the Sixteenth +Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance. Complete in two +large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with numerous illustrative +engravings. Price One Dollar. + +ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of Charles +the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages, printed on +the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents. + +EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of the Count +of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in one large +octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents. + +THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized, and is now +played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country, and it is +exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents. + +SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a book as +Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a better book. It is +the most delightful book of the season. Price Fifty cents. + +GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE. By Alexandre Dumas. An +Historical Romance of the French Revolution. Complete in one large +octavo volume of over 200 pages, with numerous illustrative engravings. +Price Fifty cents. + + +GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS. + +WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American Revolution. +Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, printed on the finest +white paper. Price One Dollar. + +THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of Philadelphia +Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous Engravings. Complete +in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages. Price One Dollar. + +THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of the Dark +Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published. Complete in one +large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents. + +PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the Revolution. +Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in, two large octavo +volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar. + +BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A Romance of +the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine. It makes a +large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the finest white paper. +Price Seventy-five cents. + +LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late President +of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of 128 pages. Price +Twenty-five cents. + +THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of +Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete in +one volume. Price Fifty cents. + + +B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS. + +VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo volume +of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents. + +THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By B. +D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents. + +VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. +Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents. + +HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one +large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents. + +CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. One volume, +octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents. + +MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. +One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents. + + +EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS. + +CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The characters are +boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete with thrilling +interest, and the language and descriptions natural and graphic, as are +all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or +One Dollar in cloth, gilt. + +VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete in one large +volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300 pages, paper +cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00. + +KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS. Price 50 cents in +paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume. Price 50 cents in +paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS. By Emerson Bennett. +Price 50 cents. + +HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of Circumstantial +Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents. + +ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN. Complete in one large +volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in cloth gilt, $1 00. + + +MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK. + +MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new and approved +methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters, terrapins, +turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles, sweet meats, +cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal preparations of +all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies, laundry-work, +needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also, list of articles +suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, and much +useful information and many miscellaneous subjects connected with +general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo volume of 520 +pages; and in it there will be found _One Thousand and Eleven new +Receipts_--all useful--some ornamental--and all invaluable to every +lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has had a very extensive +sale, and many thousand copies have been sold, and the demand is +increasing yearly, being the most complete work of the kind published in +the world, and also the latest and best, as, in addition to Cookery, its +receipts for making cakes and confectionery are unequalled by any other +work extant. New edition, enlarged and improved, and handsomely bound. +Price One Dollar a copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss +Leslie. + + +GEORGE SANDS' WORKS. + +FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand, author of +"Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming and +interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents. + +INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc. A very +bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents. + +THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents. + + +HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. + +WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS, AND BEAUTIFULLY +ILLUMINATED COVERS. + +We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following +HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best possible style, +full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the best +scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful +designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper. +There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in +the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only. + +THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS. + +MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents, and +Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen +Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and other Stories. +By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis Reveille.) With +Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents. + +CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C. Neal, +author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc. With +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and Vagaries. By W. E. +Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the author of +"Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and others. Price +Fifty cents. + +MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes, Incidents, and +Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada. With Eight Illustrations +from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of humorous +Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the Wild West. By +the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing Oysters Alive," etc. +With Illustrations from designs by Darley, Price Fifty cents. + +QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By W. T. Porter, Esq., of +the New York Spirit of the Times. With Eight Illustrations and designs +by Darley. Complete in one volume. Price Fifty cents. + +SIMON SUGGS.--ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late of the Tallapoosa +Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census," and other Alabama +Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait from Life, and Nine other +Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes," etc. This +is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that will be +recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents. + +YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias Judge Haliburton. +Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated from the pen of any +author. Every page will set you in a roar. Price Fifty cents. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE +SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones, author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western +Scenes," etc. Price Fifty cents. + +BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters and +Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T. Porter. With +Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches of Georgia +Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of "Major Jones' +Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H. Ingraham. It will +interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a good laugh should get it +at once. Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at Melton Mowbray. By +H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE "NEW ORLEANS +PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the Eastern Yankee, the Western +Hoosier, and such others as make up society in the great Metropolis of +the South. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," +"The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty +cents. + +STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the Fugitive Offspring of +the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have been "Laying Around Loose," +and are now "tied up" for fast keeping. With Illustrations by Darley. +Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial evidence. By +the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon Hounds," etc. With +Illustrations. Price Fifty cents. + +ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. For Sixteen +years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of the State of +Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty +cents. + +THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by Night and +Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his private journal. +Price Fifty cents. + +PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal Sketches," +"Peter Faber," &c. With Illustrations from original designs, by Darley. +Price Fifty cents. + +WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other Tales of +Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original Illustrations. Price +Fifty cents. + +MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. With +Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents. + +SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF +SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer, etc. Illustrated by Darley. +Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings in the West, Cincinnati in Early +Life, etc. Price Fifty cents. + +SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK AND ANECDOTAL +RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It +comprises a Sketch of the second Seven years of his professional life, +together with some Sketches of Adventure in after years. Price Fifty +cents. + +POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author of "Major +Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price Fifty cents. + +FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as they were Twenty Years +Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The +Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents. + +LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P. M. S. U. Ky. +Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations by Darley. Price +Fifty cents. + +NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio of a +Southern Medical Student." With Illustrations from designs by Darley. +Price Fifty cents. + + +FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES. + +Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with +the aid of these works, be enabled to _read_, _write_ and _speak_ the +language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction +whatever, provided they pay strict attention to the instructions laid +down in each book, and that nothing shall be passed over, without a +thorough investigation of the subject it involves: by doing which they +will be able to _speak_, _read_ or _write_ either language, at their +will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons +wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred +times their cost. These works have already run through several large +editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without +recommending it to his friends. + + FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 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Its History, Consequences, and policy of +the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents. + +GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the +best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents. + +WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It is the Private +Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly +cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows up all the High +and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts in Paris. Price +50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly. One of the best +and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever been printed. Price +50 cents. + +LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only edition published +in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, +price 75 cents. + +DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY, with a large dissected +plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life. 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Thornton Randolph. It is beautifully +illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition, printed +on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, is +published for One Dollar. + +LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By C. H. Wiley. +Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley. Price 50 +cents. + +SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of "Vanity Fair," +"History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents. + +THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND CICERO. By Henry William +Herbert. This is one of the most powerful Roman stories in the English +language, and is of itself sufficient to stamp the writer as a powerful +man. Complete in two large volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover, +price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25. + +THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams, and +illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every Lady should +possess. 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Price 50 cents. + +THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father Clement." +Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents. + +THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and Lower Tendom. +By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents. + +POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged edition, with +numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold. We have never seen a +volume embracing any thing like the same quantity of useful matter. The +work is really a treasure. It should speedily find its way into every +family. It also contains a large and entirely new Map of the United +States, with full page portraits of the Presidents of the United States, +from Washington until the present time, executed in the finest style of +the art. Price 50 cents a copy only. + +HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto Portrait, +and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished Statesman. +Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price $1 00 a copy only. +Originally sold at $5 00 a copy. + +THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story of a Guardian and +his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author of the "Emigrant +Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt. + +THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and +companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment--its graphic +and vigorous style--its truthful delineations of character--and deep and +powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents. + +ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents. + +SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry, and Defence +of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John Graham. Price 37 +cents. + +VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the author to +the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents. + +FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn. By the +author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price One Dollar. + + +WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH. + +GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY. By Count Alfred +D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay. Price 25 cents. + +LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with her +full-length portrait. Price 25 cents. + +ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess of Blessington. A +charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents. + +GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book. Price 25 +cents. + +ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe." One volume, +octavo. Price 25 cents. + +THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All should read +it. Price 25 cents. + +DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author of "Ten +Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents. + +ABEDNEGO, THE MONEY LENDER. By Mrs. Gore. Price 25 cents. + +MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20 +plates. Price 25 cents. + +GLIDDON'S ANCIENT EGYPT, HER MONUMENTS, HIEROGLYPHICS, HISTORY, ETC. +Full of plates. Price 25 cents. + +BEAUTIFUL FRENCH GIRL; or the Daughter of Monsieur Fontanbleu. Price 25 +cents. + +MYSTERIES OF BEDLAM; OR, ANNALS OF THE LONDON MAD-HOUSE. Price 25 cents. + +JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of "Home +Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents. + +EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq., author of +"Richelieu." Price 25 cents. + +AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane Eyre," "Shirley," +etc. Price 25 cents. + +BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton Myers. A Three +Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents. + +KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever owns a cow should +have this book. Price 25 cents. + +KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All that own a horse +should possess this work. Price 25 cents. + +THE COMPLETE KITCHEN AND FRUIT GARDENER, FOR POPULAR AND GENERAL USE. +Price 25 cents. + +THE COMPLETE FLORIST; OR FLOWER GARDENER. The best in the world. Price +25 cents. + +THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents. + +PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search of a +Husband." Price 25 cents. + +MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price 25 cents. + +THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have been +proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well told, and +excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents. + +THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE CHARITY +SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents. + +LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the late William Burns. +Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents. + +JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent book. Price +25 cents. + +MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE. A Tale founded on +Facts. Price 25 cents. + +RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By William Carleton. +One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents. + +AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents. + +POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12-1/2 cts. + + +Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry. + +AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture and +Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents. + +ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and +Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents. + +FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce, Physiology +and Agriculture. + +THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in the +animal body. + +CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY AND PATHOLOGY. + +T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor Liebig's +works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They are bound in +one large royal octavo volume, in Muslin gilt. Price for the complete +works bound in one volume, One Dollar and Fifty cents. The three last +are not published separately from the bound volume. + + +EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS. + +THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +THE SCHOOLBOY, AND OTHER STORIES. By Dickens. 12-1/2 cents. + +SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles Dickens. Price +12-1/2 cents. + +THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 +cents. + +THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts. + +MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words, etc. +Illustrated. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the Twelve +Apostles. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his Portrait. Price +12-1/2 cents. + +REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE THRONE OF INIQUITY; or, +sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse in behalf of a law prohibiting the +traffic in intoxicating drinks. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES, ETC. By Lucretia Mott. +Price 12-1/2 cents. + +EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member of the Euchre Club +of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12-1/2 cents. + +FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer prices, and +how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12-1/2 cents. + + * * * * * + +T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale & Retail Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, +Publishing and Bookselling Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, +Philadelphia: + +From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no +matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers' +lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants, +Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the +City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive +collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find +all the _best, latest, and cheapest works_ published in this country or +elsewhere, for sale very low. + + +THE FORGED WILL. + +BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S +DAUGHTER," ETC. + +THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large +volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work +is handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR. + +ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in a short +time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's +Cabin. The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of +the most powerfully written works in the language. + +THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through +the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been +appearing for ten weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most +popular nouvelettes that has ever appeared in the columns of any +newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared, the back +numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers +were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of +the paper were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three +papers of it, for new subscribers to their paper, which induced the +publisher to make an arrangement with the popular author to bring it out +in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form. + +If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling +stories of border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new +story of the 'Forged Will' would have placed his name on the record as +one of the best of American novelists. The scenes, principally, of this +most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and most +glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time, +escape the justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of +retribution sooner or later; how vice may, for a time, triumph over +virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed, until its very +security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation, +but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and +rejoices triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears +the veil that hides its huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life +as it exists in the crowded city. We do cordially recommend this book +for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated, for it +_must_ do good. + +Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents +only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and +handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One +Dollar. + + * * * * * + +T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett, +either or all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any +one, on receipt of the prices annexed to them. All should send for one +or more of them at once. No one will ever regret the money sent. + +CLARA MORELAND; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson +Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved +to be one of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in +America, 336 pages. Price Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in +cloth, gilt. + +THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER. By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara Moreland," +"Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents. + +WALDE-WARREN, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett, +author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents. + +VIOLA; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author +of "The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents. + +Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person +at all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their +remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a +letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by + + T. B. PETERSON, + No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + + +VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. + +BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE +CLARENDON," "BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S +DAUGHTER," ETC., ETC. + +READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS: + +"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to +pronounce it one of the very best productions of the talented author. +The scenes are laid in Texas, and the adjoining frontier. There is not a +page that does not glow with thrilling and interesting incident, and +will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it. The +characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural +throughout. We have derived so much gratification from the perusal of +this charming novel, that we are anxious to make our readers share it +with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it to be read by all +persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited +and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not +only because they are well written, but that they are, in most part, +taken from events connected with the history of our own country, from +which much valuable information is derived, and should, therefore, have +a double claim upon our preference, over those works where the incidents +are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign +climes. The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in +a style highly creditable to the enterprising publisher." + +"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is +the sequel and conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of +action and adventure, where Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps +the most captivating to the general mind of all the walks of fiction. +There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in his style and +stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is +increasing. One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels, +as we may call them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the +open air and natural world about them--free from the closeness, +intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed in works +that treat of the vices and dissipations of large +cities."--_Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post._ + +"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in +and near Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the +characters are well drawn and sustained. An interesting love plot runs +through the book, which gives a faithful representation of life in the +far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued Viola in his usual neat style, +and it is destined to have a great run."--_Clinton Tribune._ + +"We have received the above work and found time to give it an +examination. The scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all +the vividness for which the author is so celebrated. Those who are +particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures may safely calculate +upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and +handsomely printed."--_Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill._ + +"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and +interesting Romance are found in Texas before and during the late +Mexican war. It is written with much spirit and pathos, and abounds in +stirring incidents and adventures, and has an interesting and romantic +love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation of 'Life +in the Far South-West.' The author of 'Viola,' will rank among the most +popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and +enterprise of his publisher, T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general +favorite."--_Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y._ + +"This thrilling and interesting novel--equal to anything the celebrated +author ever wrote--has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would +advise every one who wants to get the value of his money, to get the +book. Bennett's works are the most interesting of any now +published."--_Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio._ + +THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large +volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is +handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS. + +Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at +all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their +remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a +letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by + + T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE. + +BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT, AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC. + + +READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT. + +_From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853._ + +"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the +indomitable genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply +sufficient of itself to stamp the writer as a powerful man. The +startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow of the great +Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and we +may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such +masterly pretensions, but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste, +energy, and tact of his enterprising publisher. The book is admirably +brought out, and altogether may be set down as one of Peterson's 'great +hits' in literature." + +_From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853._ + +"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this +volume a tale which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and +be read by all lovers of literature that embodies the true, the +thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we would have thought +it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter +days; but here we have it--Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the +rest of that dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true +portraits. Those who have read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the +truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the heroes of deep and +treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character. +On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the +Commonwealth of Rome. We have also his noble contemporaries and +coadjutors, all in this volume. Would that space permitted for a more +extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear. One thing is +certain--if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus +Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest." + +_From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853._ + +"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author, +will not fail to procure this book--It is a thrilling romance, and the +characters brought forward, and the interest with which they are +constantly invested, will insure for it a great run." + +_From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853._ + +"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful +production--perhaps the highest effort of the brilliant and successful +author. A thorough historian and a careful thinker, he is well qualified +to write learnedly of any period of the world's history. The book is +published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table." + +_From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853._ + +"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents +which have made the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the +history of the Roman Republic. The lovers of excitement will find in its +pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker phases of life's +drama." + +_From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853._ + +"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject +of this story. Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most +authentic authors, he has woven around them a net-work of incident, love +and romance, which is stirring and exciting. The faithful manner in +which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style in which +his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his +many successful novels." + +Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar +only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and +handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One +Dollar and Twenty-five Cents. + +Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, +to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting +the price of the edition they wish to the publisher, in a letter, +post-paid. Published and for sale by + + T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +THE INITIALS: A STORY OF MODERN LIFE. + +Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or bound in one +vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and Twenty-Five Cents a copy. + +T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, has just +published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be found on +perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated works +ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue to +be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter +Scott's celebrated novels. + +READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS + + CHAPTER + I. The Letter. + II. The Initials + III. A. Z. + IV. A Walk of no common Description. + V. An Alp. + VI. Secularized Cloisters. + VII. An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters. + VIII. An Alpine Party. + IX. Salzburg. + X. The Return to Munich. + XI. The Betrothal. + XII. Domestic Details. + XIII. A Truce. + XIV. A New Way to Learn German. + XV. The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct. + XVI. The Au Fair. The Supper. + XVII. Lovers' Quarrels. + XVIII. The Churchyard. + XIX. German Soup. + XX. The Warning. + XXI. The Struggle. + XXII. The Departure. + XXIII. The Long Day. + XXIV. The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass. + XXV. The Garret. + XXVI. The Discussion. + XXVII. The Sledge. + XXVIII. A Ball at the Museum Club. + XXIX. A Day of Freedom. + XXX. The Masquerade. + XXXI. Where is the Bridegroom? + XXXII. The Wedding at Troisieme. + XXXIII. A Change. + XXXIV. The Arrangement. + XXXV. The Difficulty Removed. + XXXVI. The Iron Works. + XXXVII. An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences. + XXXVIII. The Experiment. + XXXIX. The Recall. + XL. Hohenfels. + XLI. The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.) + XLII. A Discourse. + XLIII. Another kind of Discourse. + XLIV. The Journey Home Commences. + XLV. What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort. + XLVI. Halt! + XLVII. Conclusion. + +Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any +part of the United States, _free of postage_, on their remitting the +price of the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter. + +Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut St., +Philadelphia To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid. + + +CLARA MORELAND. + +BY EMERSON BENNETT. + +Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt. + +READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS. + +"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his +story well, and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into +the haunts of the wild Indians, or among the equally savage bands of +lawless men, that once were the terror of that country; he presents the +remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in a manner which, +though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His +dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of +the interlocutors, and presenting occasionally, especially in response, +an epigrammatic poise, that is worthy of all praise. The plot abounds +with adventure, and presents many scenes of startling interest, while +the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious reader's +ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the +excellent style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on +good paper, and bound in a manner to correspond with the quality of its +typography."--_Arthur's Home Gazette._ + +"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and +thrilling production, and will particularly interest all who love to +read of life in the West and South-West. A love story runs through the +volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has issued the book +in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding +is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the +embellishments are eminently creditable. Clara Moreland should command a +large sale."--_Philadelphia City Item._ + +"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of +thrilling scenes and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that +escape a casual observation. Mr. Bennett is a keen discoverer of +character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as to carry the +reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated +interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most +popular American novelists, and aided by the great energy of his +publisher is fast becoming a general favorite."--_McMackin's Model +Saturday Courier._ + +"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is +one of his longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite +author with Western readers. It is illustrated and well +printed."--_Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper._ + +"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and +turmoil."--_Philadelphia North American._ + +"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the +universe, and, as such, our reading public are bound to give him a +cordial greeting, not only for this, but for the sake of that +wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West, and +more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his +glowing, brilliant productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be +pronounced the best."--_Philadelphia Saturday Courier._ + +"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all +who have a cultivated taste."--_Baltimore Sun._ + +"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during +the late war with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it +abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, has a good love-plot +interwoven with it, and is in many respects a faithful representation of +Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great popularity, +especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in +a very handsome style."--_Philadelphia Evening Bulletin._ + +"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and +graphically sketched. It is published in a good style."--_Philadelphia +Public Ledger._ + +"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett. +Those who love daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an +engaging book."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._ + +"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by +numerous engravings."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._ + +"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth +escapes, the scene of which is laid in the South-West. The book is +illustrated with engravings representing some of the exciting events +narrated by the writer."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._ + +"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and +accident, are blended together so as to form a highly interesting work +of 334 pages."--_New York Picayune._ + + Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS, + +BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE. + +A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK. + +Have you read it? If not, then do so. + +Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth. + +Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal of a +Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind, in +making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the +annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity, +and real scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from +the press. + +TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK. + + Opening the Journal. + Adventure in search of Ruin. + Parting Tribute to Love. + Three Desperate Days! + The Poetry of Sea-Sickness. + The Red Flannel Night-Cap. + A Ship by Moonlight. + Arrival in London. + The Parks of London. + Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey. + England's Monuments. + Madame Tussaud's Wax Works. + The "Beauties" of Hampton Court. + Love and Philosophy. + "Love's Labor Lost." + A Peep at "The Shades." + The Modern "Aspasia." + Noble Plea for Matrimony. + The Lily on the Shore. + English Mother and American Daughter. + The "Maid of Normandie." + An Effecting Scene. + "Paris est un Artist." + The Guillotine. + "Give us Another!" + Post Mortem Reflections. + Fashionable Criticism. + Whiskey Punch and Logic. + "Shylock asks for Justice!" + "Lorette" and "Grisette." + Kissing Day. + The Tattoo. + The Masked Ball. + The Incognita. + The Charms of Paris. + Changing Horses. + A View in Lyons. + Avignon--Petrarch and Laura. + Our First Ruin. + The Unconscious Blessing. + A Crash and a Wreck. + The Railroad of Life. + A Night Adventure. + "The Gods take care of Cato." + The Triumphs of Neptune. + The Marquisi's Foot. + Beauties of Naples Bay. + Natural History of the Lazaroni. + The True Venus. + Love and Devotion. + The Mortality of Pompeii. + Procession of the Host. + The Ascent of Vesuvius. + The Mountain Emetic. + The Human Projectile. + The City of the Soul. + The Coup de Main. + Night in the Coliseum! + Catholicity Considered. + Power Passing Away! + Byron Among the Ruins. + A Gossip with the Artists. + Speaking Gems. + "Weep for Adonis!" + The Lady and the God. + The Science of Psalmistry. + "Sour Grapes." + A Ramble about Tivoli. + Illumination of St. Peter's. + The "Niobe of Nations." + A Ghostly Scene! + "Honi soit qui mal y pense." + A "Ball" without Music. + Abelard and Heloise. + Scenes on the Road. + The "Tug of War." + "There they are, by Jove!" + The Raven-Haired One! + Heaven and Hell! + The "Hamlet" of Sculpture. + The Modern Susannah. + Hey, Presto! Change! + The Death Scene of Cleopatra. + An Eulogy on Tuscany. + A Real Claude Sunset. + Tasso and Byron. + The Shocking Team! + Floatings in Venice. + The Venetian Girls. + The Bell-Crowned Hat! + The "Lion's Mouth." + The "Bridge of Sighs!" + A Subterranean Fete! + Byron and Moore in Venice. + Diana and Endymion. + The Pinch of Snuff. + The Rock-Crystal Coffin! + Eccentricity of Art. + Thoughts in a Monastery. + The Lake of Como. + Immortal Drummer Boy. + Wit, and its Reward! + The Cold Bath. + "Here we are!" + The Mountain Expose. + The "Last Rose of Summer." + Waking the Echoes. + Watching the Avalanche. + A Beautiful Incident. + A Shot with the Long Bow. + Mt. Blanc and a full stop. + +Price for the complete work, in paper cover, Fifty cents a copy only; or +handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, for Seventy-Five cents. + +Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, +to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting +the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post +paid. + + Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + +T. B. PETERSON'S WHOLESALE AND RETAIL + +Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, Publishing and Bookselling +Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia. + +T. B. PETERSON has the satisfaction to announce to the public, that he +has removed to the new and spacious BROWN STONE BUILDING, NO. 102 +CHESTNUT STREET, just completed by the city authorities on the Girard +Estate, known as the most central and best situation in the city of +Philadelphia. As it is the Model Book Store of the Country, we will +describe it: It is the largest, most spacious, and best arranged Retail +and Wholesale Cheap Book and Publishing Establishment in the United +States. It is built, by the Girard Estate, of Connecticut sand-stone, in +a richly ornamental style. The whole front of the lower story, except +that taken up by the doorway, is occupied by two large plate glass +windows, a single plate to each window, costing together over three +thousand dollars. On entering and looking up, you find above you a +ceiling sixteen feet high; while, on gazing before, you perceive a vista +of One Hundred and Fifty-Seven feet. The retail counters extend back for +eighty feet, and, being double, afford counter-room of One Hundred and +Sixty feet in length. There is also _over Three Thousand feet of +shelving in the retail part of the store alone_. This part is devoted to +the retail business, and as it is the most spacious in the country, +furnishes also the best and largest assortment of all kinds of books to +be found in the country. It is fitted up in the most superb style; the +shelvings are all painted in Florence white, with gilded cornices for +the book shelves. + +Behind the retail part of the store, at about ninety feet from the +entrance, is the counting-room, twenty feet square, railed neatly off, +and surmounted by a most beautiful dome of stained glass. In the rear of +this is the wholesale and packing department, extending a further +distance of about sixty feet, with desks and packing counters for the +establishment, etc., etc. All goods are received and shipped from the +back of the store, having a fine avenue on the side of Girard Bank for +the purpose, leading out to Third Street, so as not to interfere with +and block up the front of the store on Chestnut Street. The cellar, of +the entire depth of the store, is filled with printed copies of Mr. +Peterson's own publications, printed from his own stereotype plates, of +which he generally keeps on hand an edition of a thousand each, making a +stock, of his own publications alone, of over three hundred thousand +volumes, constantly on hand. + +T. B. PETERSON is warranted in saying, that he is able to offer such +inducements to the Trade, and all others, to favor him with their +orders, as cannot be excelled by any book establishment in the country. +In proof of this, T. B. PETERSON begs leave to refer to his great +facilities of getting stock of all kinds, his dealing direct with all +the Publishing Houses in the country, and also to his own long list of +Publications, consisting of the best and most popular productions of the +most talented authors of the United States and Great Britain, and to his +very extensive stock, embracing every work, new or old, published in the +United States. + +T. B. PETERSON will be most happy to supply all orders for any books at +all, no matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at +publishers' lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country +Merchants, Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, +Strangers in the city, and the public generally, to call and examine his +extensive collection of cheap and standard publications of all kinds, +comprising a most magnificent collection of CHEAP BOOKS, MAGAZINES, +NOVELS, STANDARD and POPULAR WORKS of all kinds, BIBLES, PRAYER BOOKS, +ANNUALS, GIFT BOOKS, ILLUSTRATED WORKS, ALBUMS and JUVENILE WORKS of all +kinds, GAMES of all kinds, to suit all ages, tastes, etc., which he is +selling to his customers and the public at much lower prices than they +can be purchased elsewhere. Being located at No. 102 CHESTNUT Street, +the great thoroughfare of the city, and BUYING his stock outright in +large quantities, and not selling on commission, he can and will sell +them on such terms as will defy all competition. Call and examine our +stock, you will find it to be the best, largest and cheapest in the +city; and you will also be sure to find all the _best, latest, popular, +and cheapest works_ published in this country or elsewhere, for sale at +the lowest prices. + +" Call in person and examine our stock, or send your orders _by mail +direct_, to the CHEAP BOOKSELLING and PUBLISHING ESTABLISHMENT of + + T. B. PETERSON, +No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. 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