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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30492 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 30492-h.htm or 30492-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h/30492-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 98
+
+APRIL 5, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel
+appearance_;" _i.e._, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman.
+
+"_A powerful-looking fellow_;" _i.e._, An awful ruffian.
+
+"_A rumour has reached us_"--(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses
+wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves).
+
+"_Nothing fresh has transpired_;" _i.e._, The local Reporter's invention
+is at last exhausted.
+
+"_The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which
+he was placed_;" _i.e._, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his
+knuckles.
+
+"_The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour_;" _i.e._, The
+Reporter left early.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music_;" _i.e._, I'm not going
+to throw away my singing on these people.
+
+"_Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know
+you were in Town_;" _i.e._, By which I wish her to understand that I
+hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (_for which I
+had received no invitation_) that appeared in last Thursday's _Morning
+Post_.
+
+"_Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage_;"
+_i.e._, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of
+your way.
+
+FOR SHOW SUNDAY.
+
+"_Shall you have many Pictures in this year?_" _i.e._, He'll jump for
+joy if he gets one in.
+
+"_Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?_"
+_i.e._, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show.
+
+"_By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?_"
+_i.e._, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual!
+
+"_What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle
+Ideal treatment, so different, &c., &c.?_" _i.e._, 'Tisn't like anything
+on earth.
+
+"_Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll
+create a sensation!_" _i.e._, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I
+may as well be in it.
+
+"_Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with
+it?_" _i.e._, I should hope not--for MILLAIS' sake.
+
+"_Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?_" _i.e._,
+His picture is.
+
+"_Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old
+man_;" _i.e._, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow.
+
+"_My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet_;" _i.e._, Dull
+skies and dowdy peasants!
+
+"_Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a
+laugh out of_;" _i.e._, Or at!
+
+AUCTIONEERING.
+
+"_Every Modern Convenience_;" _i.e._, Electric-bells and disconnected
+drain-pipes.
+
+"_Cheap and Commodious Flat_;" _i.e._, Seven small square rooms, with no
+outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion.
+
+"_A Desirable Residence_;" _i.e._, To get out of.
+
+PLATFORMULARS.
+
+"_And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are
+engaged_;" _i.e._, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all
+right.
+
+"_Our great Leader_;" _i.e._, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will
+give me time to think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL ECONOMY.
+
+_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I'M WRITING TO ASK THE BROWNS TO MEET THE JONESES HERE
+AT DINNER, AND TO THE JONESES TO MEET THE BROWNS. WE OWE THEM BOTH, YOU
+KNOW."
+
+_Mr. Scrooge._ "BUT I'VE HEARD THEY'VE JUST QUARRELLED, AND DON'T
+SPEAK!"
+
+_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I KNOW. THEY'LL REFUSE, AND WE NEEDN'T GIVE A DINNER
+PARTY AT ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MY CURATE."
+
+    [The _Law Times_ mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and
+    good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My
+    Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a
+    Solicitor.]
+
+SCENE--_Drowsiham Vicarage._ Vicar _and Family discovered seated at
+breakfast-table. Time--Present._
+
+_The Vicar._ I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's _Church
+Papers_, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the
+post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest
+respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my
+own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed."
+
+_Elder Daughter (giddily)._ Pa! Have any of them sent photos?
+
+_Vicar._ Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose
+_cartes-de-visite_ with testimonials.
+
+_Younger Daughter._ Now I shall be able to fill up my Album!
+
+_Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures)._ This
+is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass,
+and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young!
+
+_Younger Daughter (thoughtfully)._ It's a pity we can't lay in _two_
+Curates while we are about it.
+
+_Vicar._ Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what
+he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as
+candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of
+their photographs.
+
+_Elder Daughter (reading)._ "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views!
+Here's something better--"Very Musical Voice"--the _darling_! He _looks_
+as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen
+minutes in preaching." Delicious!
+
+_Vicar's Wife._ I don't know if the parishioners will like _that_.
+
+_Both Daughters (together)._ But _we_ shall!
+
+_Elder Daughter (continues reading)._ "Quite content to preach only in
+the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What _does_ he
+mean?
+
+_Vicar (cordially)._ I know! I think he'll do very well. _Just_ the sort
+of man I want!
+
+_Elder Daughter._ Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and
+twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet!
+
+_Younger Daughter._ Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him _at once_!
+
+_Elder Daughter (turning pale)._ Stop! What is this? "Very steady and
+respectable. _Has been engaged to be married for past three years!_"
+Call _him_ engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch!
+
+_Younger Daughter._ A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him,
+Pa?
+
+_Vicar (meditatively)._ I might--in the Archbishop's Court. Really this
+new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely
+to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at!
+[_Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER_ has been announced as in preparation at the
+Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss MARY MOORE v. Miss WINIFRED EMERY as
+_Miss Hardcastle_. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not
+run it at both Houses?--and, to decide, call in a jury of "the
+GOLDSMITH'S Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAYFAIR ROW.--GOODE, BAIRD, and very indifferent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.
+
+_A Song of the Situation._ _AIR--"The King and I"._ _Socialist Workman
+sings_:--
+
+_Emperor._ "I'M ONE OF YOU!" _Socialist._ "ALL RIGHT, MATE. THEN--TAKE
+OFF YOUR CROWN!"]
+
+  The Kaiser swears that he can work;
+      So can I! So can I!
+  Strain and long hours he will not shirk.
+      Nor do I, nor do I.
+  But he may work at his sweet will;
+      So they say, so they say.
+  Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill;
+      A long day, a long day!
+  So there's _some_ difference I see
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me.
+
+  He hath his army and his ships;
+      Great are they! Great are they!
+  Their price, which my lean pocket nips,
+      I must pay, I must pay.
+  Yet here he comes to grip my hand;
+      That's his plan, that's his plan;
+  And at my side to take his stand,
+      Working-man, working-man!
+  Strange that such likeness there should be
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me!
+
+  BISMARCK, it seems, he does not trust;
+      Nor do I, nor do I.
+  He thinks the toiler's claims are just;
+      So do I, so do I.
+  He's called a Conference of Kings,
+       Novel scheme, novel scheme!
+  To talk of Socialistic things--
+      Pleasant dream, pleasant dream!
+  What difference, now, would KARL MARX see
+  Betwixt my Emperor and me?
+
+  The "International" they banned.
+      _That_ was vile, _that_ was vile.
+  But now a similar thing _they've_ planned,
+      Makes me smile, makes me smile.
+  Labour world-over they'll discuss,
+      Far and near, far and near.
+  Will it all end in futile fuss?
+      That's my fear, that's my fear.
+  A difference of view I see
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me.
+
+  But here he comes to grip my fist,
+      Fair and free, fair and free.
+  Thinks he the chance I can't resist?
+      We shall see, we shall see.
+  I wear the Cap and he the Crown--
+      Awkward gear, awkward gear!
+  Is he content to put it down?
+      No, I fear; no, I fear.
+  If Workman I as Workman he,
+  Perhaps he'll just change hats with me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH GALLERY.--Oddly enough the French Gallery contains but a
+small proportion of French pictures. Possibly Mr. WALLIS thinks it is
+not high-bred to appear too long in a French _rôle_--perhaps he fancies
+the public would get crusty or the critics might have him "on toast."
+Anyhow, he has taken French leave to do as he pleases, and the result is
+very satisfactory. He does not lose our Frenchship by the change. There
+are three remarkable pictures by Prof. FRITZ VON UHDE, and two by Prof.
+MAX LIEBERMANN, which ought to make a sensation, and there is an
+excellent MUNKACSY, besides a varied collection of foreign pictures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. HENRY BLACKBURN, author of that annually useful work, _Academy
+Notes_, is announced to give lectures at Kensington Town Hall, April 13.
+One of his subjects, "Sketching in Sunshine," will be very interesting
+to a Londoner. First catch your sunshine: then sketch. Mr. BLACKBURN
+will be illuminated by oxy-hydrogen; he will thus appear as Mr.
+White-burn; so altogether a light entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE "ZOO."
+
+_Arabella._ "OH, AUG----MR. BROWN, LET'S GO TO THE APEIARY. I THINK THE
+MONKEYS ARE SUCH FUN!" [_He did not Propose that afternoon!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY TO THE TEMPLE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,    _Willesden Junction._
+
+Having been assured by a Phrenologist that my bump of locality is very
+highly developed, I attempted the other day--although a perfect stranger
+to London--to walk from Charing Cross to the Temple without inquiring
+the route. I had absolutely no assistance but a small map of Surbiton
+and the neighbourhood, from which I had calculated the general lie of
+the country, and a plain, ordinary compass, which I had bought cheap
+because it had lost its pointer. I am not sure that the route I took was
+the most direct. But when, after several hours' walk, I found myself at
+Willesden Junction, I was assured by a boy in the district, whom I
+asked, that I could not possibly have gone straighter. He advised me to
+take a ticket at once for Chalk Farm, as I still had some way to go, and
+said that he thought I might have to change at Battersea. He was a nice,
+bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily.
+
+I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not
+yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they
+have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have
+camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a
+train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated,
+and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I
+would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright
+little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two
+other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much
+amused--probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, _Mr.
+Punch_, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very
+well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but
+these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to
+less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country.
+
+But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important.
+There ought to be a great many more doors _into_ the refreshment-room,
+and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm
+by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it
+should certainly be made--by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic
+pressure--to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted
+to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must
+be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to
+take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, _Mr. Punch_,
+
+Your humble and obedient Servant,       PHRENITIC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. (_New "Physical Examination" Style._)
+
+OXFORD, _April 1, 1890_.
+
+THE Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of
+Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical
+exhibition of several physical _tours de force_ on the spare ground at
+the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning.
+Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the
+Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of
+Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or
+before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize
+Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to be
+practically and personally illustrated by several feats of the
+successful candidate himself, will be "_Leap Year_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT AND AYRY.
+
+  Rejected! in bad grammar I declare
+  I can't forget this year, nor yet that Ayr!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECORDING ANGEL IN THE HOUSE, OR THE GAL IN THE GALLERY.--"_Que
+diable allait-elle faire dans cette 'galerie.'_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. VII.--THE PATRON OF SPORT.
+
+IN order to qualify properly for the patronage of sport, a man must
+finally abandon any vestiges of refinement which may remain to him after
+a youth spent mainly in the use of strong language, and the abuse of
+strong drink. The future patron, who has enjoyed for some years the
+advantages of a neglected training in the privacy of the domestic
+circle, will have been sent to a public school. Like a vicious book, he
+will soon have been "called in," though not until he has been cut by
+those who may have been brought in contact with him. Having thus left
+his school for his school's good, he will find no difficulty in
+persuading his parents that the high spirits of an ingenuous youth,
+however distasteful they may have been to the ridiculous prejudices of a
+pedantic Head Master, are certain to be properly appreciated by the
+officers of a crack Regiment. He will, therefore, decide to enter the
+Army, and after pursuing his arduous studies for some time at the
+various Music Halls and drinking saloons of the Metropolis, he will
+administer a public reproof to the Civil Service Commissioners, by
+declining on two separate occasions to pass the examination for
+admission into Sandhurst.
+
+He will then inform his father that he is heavily in debt, and, having
+borrowed money from his tailor, he will disappear from the parental ken,
+to turn up again, after a week, without his watch, his scarf-pin, or his
+studs. This freak will be accepted by his relatives as a convincing
+proof of his fitness for a financial career, and he will shortly be
+transferred to the City as Clerk to a firm of Stockbrokers. Here his
+versatile talents will have full scope. He will manage to reconcile a
+somewhat lax attention to the details of business with a strict
+regularity in his attendance at suburban race-meetings. Nothing will be
+allowed to stand in his way when he pursues the shadow of pleasure
+through the most devious windings into the lowest haunts. For him the
+resources of dissipation are never exhausted. Pot-houses provide him
+with cocktails, restaurants furnish him with elaborate dinners, tailors
+array him in fine clothes, hosiers collar him up to the chin, and cover
+his breast with immaculate fronts. The master-pieces of West-End
+jewellers, hatters, and boot-makers, sparkle on various portions of his
+person; he finds in a lady step-dancer a goddess, and in _Ruff's Guide_
+a Bible; he sups, he swears, he drinks, and he gambles, and, finally, he
+attains to the summit of earthly felicity by finding himself mentioned
+under a nickname in the paragraphs of a sporting organ.
+
+Having about the same time engaged in a midnight brawl with an
+undersized and middle-aged cabman, he appears the next morning in a
+Police Court, and, after being fined forty shillings, is hailed as a
+hero by his companions, and recognised as a genuine Patron of Sport by
+the world at large. Henceforward his position is assured. He becomes the
+boon companion of Music-hall Chairmen, and lives on terms of intimate
+vulgarity with Money-lenders, who find that it pays to take a low
+interest in the pleasures, in order the more easily to obtain a high
+interest on the borrowings, of reckless young men.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In company with these associates, and with others of more or less
+repute, the Patron of Sport sets the seal to his patronage by becoming a
+member of a so-called Sporting Club, at which professional pugilists
+batter one another in order to provide excitement for a mixed assemblage
+of coarse and brainless rowdies and the feeble toadies who dance
+attendance upon them. Here the Patron is at his best and noblest. Though
+he has never worn a glove in anger, nor indeed taken the smallest part
+in any genuine athletic exercise, he is as free with his opinions as he
+is unsparing of the adjectives wherewith he adorns them. He talks
+learnedly of "upper-cuts" and "cross-counters," and grows humorous over
+"mouse-traps," "pile-drivers on the mark," and "the flow of the ruby."
+Having absorbed four whiskeys-and-soda, he will observe that
+"if a fellow refuses to train properly, he must expect to be
+receiver-general," and, after lighting his tenth cigar as a tribute,
+presumably, to the lung power of the combatants, will indulge in some
+moody reflections on the decay of British valour and the general
+degeneracy of Englishmen. He will then drink liqueur brandy out of a
+claret glass, and, having slapped a sporting solicitor on the back and
+dug in the ribs a gentleman jockey who has been warned off the course,
+he will tread on the toes of an inoffensive stranger who has allowed
+himself to be elected a member of the Club under the mistaken impression
+that it was the home of sportsmen and the sanctuary of honest boxers.
+After duly characterising the stranger's eyes and his awkwardness, the
+Patron will resume his seat near the ropes, and will stare vacuously at
+the brilliant gathering of touts, loafers, parasites, usurers,
+book-makers, broken-down racing men, seedy soldiers, and over-fed City
+men who are assembled round the room. Inspired by their society with the
+conviction that he is assisting in an important capacity in the revival
+of a manly sport, he will adjust his hat on the back of his head, rap
+with his gold-headed cane upon the floor, and call "Time!"--a humorous
+sally which is always much appreciated, especially when the ring is
+empty. After witnessing the first three rounds of the next competition,
+he will rise to depart, and observing a looking-glass, will excite the
+laughter of his friends and the admiration of the waiters by sparring
+one round with his own reflection, finally falling into the arms of a
+companion, whom he adjures not to mind him, but to sponge up the other
+fellow.
+
+After this exploit a supper-club receives him, and he is made much of by
+those of both sexes who are content to thrive temporarily on the money
+of a friend. He will then drive a hansom through the streets, and,
+having knocked over a hot potato-stall, he will compensate the
+proprietor with a round of oaths and a five-pound note.
+
+In appearance the Patron of Sport is unwholesome. The bloom of youth
+vanished from his face before he ceased to be a boy; he assumes the worn
+and sallow mask of age before he has fairly begun to be a man. His hair
+is thin, and is carefully flattened by the aid of unguents, his dress is
+flashy, his moustache thick. In order the more closely to imitate a true
+sportsman, he wears a baggy overcoat, with large buttons. Yet he abhors
+all kinds of honest exercise, and, in the days of his prosperity, keeps
+a small brougham with yellow wheels. Soon after he reaches the age of
+thirty, he begins to feel the effects of his variegated life. He fails
+in landing a big _coup_ on the Stock Exchange, and loses much money over
+a Newmarket meeting, in which he plunges on a succession of rank
+outsiders, whom a set of rascals, more cunning than himself, have
+represented to him as certainties. His position on the Stock Exchange
+becomes shaky, and he attempts to restore it by embarking with a gang of
+needy rogues on a first-class "roping" transaction, in connection with a
+prize-fight in Spain. Having, however, been exposed, he is shunned by
+most of those who only heard of the swindle when it was too late to join
+in it.
+
+This is the beginning of the end. He becomes careless of his appearance;
+with the decrease of his means his coats become shiny, and his cuffs
+more and more frayed. Eventually he falls into a state of sodden
+imbecility, relieved by occasional flashes of delirium tremens, and dies
+at the age of thirty-six, regretted by nobody except the faithful
+bull-dog, whose silver collar was the last thing he pawned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Opera (in Preparation).
+
+_Librettist._ Now here's a grand effect. They all say, "We swear!" Then
+there's a magnificent "Oath Chorus!" How do you propose to treat that?
+
+_Composer._ Oath Chorus? In D Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAGE FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.--So far so good. Got rid of the Grand
+Old Chancellor and the rest of _that_ crew--without much of a row! Been
+civil to my English Uncle, the Pope and the Democrats. Can't be idle, so
+what shall I do next? Why not take a trip to America where I might stand
+for President? If I propose extending trip to Salt Lake, would have to
+go _en garçon_. Or I might see if I could not get a little further than
+STANLEY in Africa. When I returned might write a book to be called, _The
+Extra Deep-Edged Black Continent_. Or why not turn painter? With a
+little practice would soon cut out all the Old Masters, native and
+foreign. And if I gave my mind to poetry, why GOETHE and HEINE would be
+simply nowhere! How about horse-racing? A Berlin Derby Day would make my
+English cousins "sit up." And sermons, there's something to be done in
+sermons! I believe I could compose as good a discourse as any of my
+Court chaplains. And then, possibly, I might be qualified to do that
+which would satisfy the sharpest craving of my loftiest ambition--_I
+might write for Punch!_
+
+    [So he shall. He shall "write for _Punch_," enclosing stamps, and
+    the Number shall be sent to him by return.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLAY-TIME.
+
+SINCE the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't
+see the _première_, Mr. SUGDEN must have immensely improved his
+_Touchstone_. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I
+saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly
+discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital
+_Audrey_, Miss MARION LEA, and with _William_, were uncommonly good. I
+confess I was surprised. Mr. BOURCHIER--but now an amateur, now
+thus--gives _Jaques'_ immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a
+thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the
+absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical
+recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. LANGTRY'S
+_Rosalind_ is charming, her scenes with _Orlando_ being as pretty a
+piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a
+pretty Lamb is she they call BEATRICE who plays _Phoebe_! What a
+sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To
+witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as
+if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a
+while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the
+forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom,
+under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful.
+
+I was curious to see how ALEXANDER "the (Getting) Great" would comport
+himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto
+been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public
+and his admirers--the terms are synonymous--may breathe again. ALEXANDER
+is surprisingly good as _Dr. Bill_, and the serious earnestness with
+which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications.
+And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be
+none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer,
+author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. HAMILTON
+AÏDÉ!! "Sir," in future will HAMILTON AÏDÉ say, when being interviewed
+by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled----"
+"Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like
+'_Dr. Bill_,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his
+tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give
+him in the other. I back the _argumentum ad pocketum_ against the Tragic
+Muse.
+
+[Illustration: The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance.]
+
+How capitally it is played! Miss BROUGH excellent; and so also is Mr.
+CHEVALIER, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is
+not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming
+housemaid is pretty Miss MARIE LINDEN; and the idiotic youth, _George
+Webster_, played by Mr. BENJAMIN WEBSTER,--two Websters rolled into
+one,--is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I
+congratulate ALEXANDER the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons,
+I should like to be, were I not
+
+DIOGENES OUT OF THE TUB.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic.
+
+  'Tis the voice of the Critic
+    I hear him complain,
+  "One more afternoon!
+    Fools! they're at it again!
+
+  These dull _Matinées_!
+    Wretched plays I must see!
+  But, alas, 'tis no play,
+    And there's no peace for me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street.
+
+THE excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the _Daily News_ the
+other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with
+respect to the Emperor of AUSTRIA. It runs thus:--
+
+    "When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood
+    of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, _the passionate huntsman_
+    said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this
+    week.'"
+
+Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first
+time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26.
+
+  HIMANTOPHYLLUMS and Cyclamens were there to be seen,
+  And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+HIGH LIFE, COMMERCIAL, TRADING, AND OTHER.
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--As supplied direct from the ancestral
+estates of His Grace the Duke of WAGOVER.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--This fashionable coal, throwing down
+a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now
+confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of
+WAGOVER, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has
+now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to
+relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the
+purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal
+supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on
+his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders
+or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover
+Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--N.B. Customers are respectfully
+invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are
+properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the
+coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a
+ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His
+Grace's own eye.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.--These delicious breakfast-table delicacies
+(now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any
+pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble
+Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants,
+secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his
+own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of
+the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so
+increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a
+shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been
+busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from
+morning till night. An analyst, writing to the _Stethoscope_, says, "_I
+have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit.
+I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere_."
+
+       * * *
+
+THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above
+appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an
+Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies,
+whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling,
+at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred _parvenue_ who can afford to
+pay for it, the _entrée_ to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable
+circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family
+connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an
+introduction.
+
+       * * *
+
+HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION
+SYNDICATE beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious
+aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social
+privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the
+following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced
+according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social
+market, are now offered for their consideration:--
+
+                                                              £ _s._ _d._
+Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood
+of Belgrave Square (without introduction to Host or Hostess) 21   0   0
+
+Ditto, ditto, (with introduction)                            31  10   0
+
+Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington                1  11   6
+
+Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor,
+Royal Academician, Distinguished Literary Man, or other
+celebrity                                                    10  10   0
+
+Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of
+eight                                                        26   5   0
+
+Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements
+of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means,
+may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons,
+into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress.
+
+       * * *
+
+DINING WITH A DUCHESS.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE beg
+to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily
+securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the
+present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses
+incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one
+hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal
+introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three
+minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the
+evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of
+fifty guineas extra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GIFT HORSE."
+
+  Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine,
+    But how if the crayture is not worth its kape?
+  Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine.
+    Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape.
+  What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour?
+  We moight do that same did we not know the donor!
+
+  Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould,
+    A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch;
+  But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could,
+    And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch.
+  Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick,
+  For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick!
+
+  It looks all very well in the front, to be shure,
+    Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears,
+  But your sate in the saddle had need be secure
+    If it lash out behoind, as it _could_, oive me fears.
+  By the sowl of St. PAT. oi'd as soon risk a spill
+  From those blayguard buck-jumpers of BUFFALO BILL!
+
+  Gift horse? Oh, by jabers _that's_ not what we're afther,
+    We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance.
+  BALFOUR, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter.
+    Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance.
+  Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag,
+  Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag?
+
+  All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence;
+    But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff!
+  Ye'd loike us to take it,--and take no offence.
+    And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh.
+  It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South;
+  So, PARNELL, my boy, _take a squint at its mouth!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASTER AND FASTER.--In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats
+the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against
+those of Succi, give her a handsome _dot_, she will be known as _La
+Jeûnesse Dorée_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUNRAVEN. (_Verses from the Very Latest Version._)
+
+  Once on a Commission dreary sat DUNRAVEN, worn and weary.
+    Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor,
+  Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing,
+    Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score.
+  "Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar,
+                    Gently purr, and nothing more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "Be those words our sign of parting!" cried DUNRAVEN, swift upstarting;
+    "Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er,
+  We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken.
+    Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er!
+  Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?"
+                     Quoth DUNRAVEN, "Nevermore!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT!
+
+I ONLY hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last
+Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most
+suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark
+morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent
+it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun
+to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle
+Book by post.
+
+It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford
+got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course
+Hoxford wun as I proffysized.
+
+I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the
+LORD MARE at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their
+bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel
+for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of
+the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a
+disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that
+strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying
+suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to
+be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I
+bleeves means about 6 years. ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GIFT HORSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TIT FOR TAT.
+
+_Captain Pullem (having just effected a "Swop" with his Friend)._ "NOW,
+I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU, OLD MAN. THAT HORSE YOU'VE GOT FROM ME IS A
+BIT OF A CRIB-BITER!"
+
+_Friend._ "_Oh, don't mention it, Old Chap. You'll find mine to be a
+confirmed Runaway_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
+
+(_A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable
+Composer._)
+
+EXAMPLE II.--SHOWING HOW CURIOUSLY RETENTIVE IS THE LOVER'S MEMORY.
+
+  'Tis ninety years ago, love!
+    It seems but yestermorn
+  We sat upon the snow, love,
+    And watch'd the golden corn!
+  I mind the bitter wind, love--
+    I mind it well, although
+  The wind I say I mind, love,
+    Blew ninety years ago!
+
+  The plough stood on the hill, love--
+    The horse stood in the plough!
+  And both were standing still, love--
+    I seem to see them now!
+  The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love--
+    A stranger _he_ to _whoa_!
+  And so was I--but then, love,
+    'Twas ninety years ago!
+
+  The roses by the way, love,
+    Were large and, oh, so fair!
+  And so they are to-day, love,
+    For all I know--or care!
+  And softly unto thou, love,
+    While yet among the snow,
+  I breathed that fatal vow, love,
+    Of ninety years ago!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "FISHING INTERROGATORY."--"What's this new French book on angling?"
+asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and
+literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called _The Bait Humane_. I
+do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a
+hook, which is so cruel."--[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has
+heard some mention of _La Bête Humaine_.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+ADVICE to those who are about to give Easter presents--send to
+MACMILLAN'S for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as
+paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. TENNIEL'S" illustrations,
+coloured by Miss GERTRUDE THOMSON, under his direction.
+
+The _Universal Review_ is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr.
+W. L. COURTNEY, entitled, _Kit Marlowe's Death_. Mr. BOURCHIER of the
+St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his
+theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,--such, for instance,
+as "_They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows_," and "_The
+others laugh at_ NASH'S _expense_,"--are well worth all the money that
+the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In
+the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "_Count Tolstoy at
+Home_," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature,
+but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the
+_Kreutzer Sonata_ is interesting; and interesting also is the paper
+entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of
+GLOUCESTER,--henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean."
+
+Mr. ANDREW LANG in _Longman's_--or rather _Lang-man's--Magazine_, is
+still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"--[The Baron moves "that the
+words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]--and as he has recently
+been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his
+readers to learn that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order
+to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are
+undeterred by the eye of Detective RUNCIMAN. I wish success to Merry
+Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same _Lang-man's Mag._,
+Mr. VAL PRINSEP, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the
+paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame,
+continues his novel _Virginie_. In the present chapter he incidentally
+gives a description of the service of Mass in the good _Abbé Leroux's_
+parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No
+wonder "the _Abbé Leroux_ was scandalised," when the service had been
+turned topsy-turvy, the _credo_ put before the _gloria_, and a young
+person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a
+solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved
+Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile PRINSEP'S novel!
+
+In _Plain Tales from the Hills_, by Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, the jaded
+palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour.
+In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian BRET HARTE, and there is
+perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will
+be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite
+surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and
+native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already
+won a reputation for the author. Few can read _Beyond the Pale_, _The
+Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly_, _The Story of Muhammed Din_, _The Germ
+Destroyer_, and _The Madness of Private Ortheris_, for example, without
+admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and
+impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic
+conciseness.
+
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.
+
+(_The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan._)
+
+  In the intervals of Sport
+    M.P.'s vamp the country's work,
+  Therefore cut the Sessions short,
+    Supplementary Sessions shirk.
+  _Must_ have time to pot the grouse,
+    _Must_ have time to hook the salmon,
+  Spoil our Sport to help the House?
+                Gammon!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a
+highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play."
+It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the
+Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many
+applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir R-CH-RD
+W-BST-R and Sir W-LL-M H-RC-RT, to L-RD D-NR-V-N, and (last and least)
+Sir W. M-RR-TT, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims.
+Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the
+lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the
+Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry
+spite, will, on applying personally to _Mr. Punch_, be HANDSOMELY
+REWARDED!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE.
+
+[Pipe-Major MCKELLAR has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic
+story of "JESSIE BROWN of Lucknow."]
+
+  Our faith to the winds you would chuck now,
+  Concerning that Legend of Lucknow.
+        That sweet Scottish girl
+        Never heard the pipes "skirl?"
+  Come! This is mere sceptical muck now!
+
+  The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager
+  Will survive many stories much sager.
+        Our faith in the tale
+        Is confirmed, and won't fail
+  At the word of a single Pipe-Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TIME WORKS WONDERS.
+
+(_Mr. Punch's Suggestions, à propos of the recent Discussions about Mr.
+Gladstone's Head._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NOTES.
+
+I HAVE just received FLORIAN PASCAL'S Music composed for _Tra la la
+Tosca_, published by JOSEPH WILLIAMS of Berners Street. Justice was not
+done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two _morçeaux_ in
+it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "_Her Eye_,"
+which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a
+contralto song, just as SULLIVAN'S charming "_Hush a bye Bacon_," in
+_Cox and Box_, became "_Birds of the Night_." Then the Gavotte in this
+book is as graceful and catching as the _Gavotte de Louis Treize_, and
+would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere.
+
+KLEIN'S _Musical Notes of the Year_, a useful and trustworthy historical
+record, was sent to me, and not "de-KLEIN'd with thanks." I have just
+heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't
+know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement;
+but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, who is now
+wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led
+on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka
+or waltz which bears the name of "_Zingit_," and which might bear on the
+wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it."
+
+(_Signed_) OTTO PICCOLO (DU CONSERVATOIRE).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HUBERT VOS requests the honour of our company at his studio near
+Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "_Sic_ Vos _non
+vobis_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "SCRATCH COMPANY."--A Cat Show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH--AND HOW HE
+RETALIATES.
+
+_She._ "OH, HE MAY BE A _GENIUS_. BUT I CONFESS I DON'T _CARE_ FOR THE
+SOCIETY OF GENIUSES!"
+
+_He._ "HOW VERY PERSONAL OF YOU! IT'S AS IF _I_ WERE TO CONFESS I DIDN'T
+CARE FOR THE SOCIETY OF HANDSOME WOMEN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE.
+
+THE application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle
+Street, made by the JEUNE PREMIER, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. KER
+GRAY, was opposed by Canon CAPEL CURE, of St. George's, Hanover Square,
+the Hymeneal Temple _par excellence_ of the Metropolis. Dr. TRISTRAM,
+with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider
+his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will
+the Minister with the sad-dog name of "KER GRAY" become the Canon's
+_bête noire_. If the decision be t'other way, then KER GRAY may twit the
+Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old
+lines of
+
+  "A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure,
+  Oh isn't he a Cure!"
+
+While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "_Old Dog Tray_."
+
+    "The chapel's far too near,
+    But p'raps another year
+  May put a stop to old KER GRAY."
+
+In the meantime, the affair being _sub (Punch-and-) judice_, we refrain
+from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SENTENCE RE-VERSED.
+
+  'Gin a body meet a body
+    On the Queen's highway,
+  And a body kiss a body,
+    Won't a body pay?
+  Mony a lassie has a temper.
+    Mony a beak is stern;
+  At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob,
+    The lesson's hard to learn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH A MATTER OF COURSE.--Cruelty to Hares.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 24._--Prince ARTHUR explained in speech
+nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In
+course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is
+furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the
+Treasury Bench, behind Prince ARTHUR, sat, on either hand, OLD MORALITY
+and JOKIM. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences
+might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some
+period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both
+pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which
+ARTHUR shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a
+coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, OLD
+MORALITY tugged at the right-hand one, and when JOKIM had a happy
+thought he hauled away on the left.
+
+As both their minds were seething with ideas, ARTHUR had a lively time
+of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was
+assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had
+been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that
+seventeen years was about the average value under Lord ASHBOURNE'S Act,
+there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in
+that direction; OLD MORALITY whispered in his ear.
+
+"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the
+instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is £1,200,000 a
+year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is
+utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How
+would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently
+agitated, and ARTHUR leaning over, JOKIM half-rising, eagerly explained
+something.)
+
+"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just
+about to show, that there would be first the £200,000 reserve fund;
+secondly, there would be the £200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly,
+£40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and £75,000 of the quarter
+per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that £1,118,000
+of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the £5,000,000, which was
+the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent
+portion of the guarantee fund, you would have £1,633,000 to meet the
+call of £1,200,000."
+
+This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of
+putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that _he_
+would have £1,633,000 to meet a call of £1,200,000, was designed to have
+soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that
+direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.
+
+"JOKIM," said HARCOURT, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We
+know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that BALFOUR shall
+bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and
+dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited
+manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle,
+that JOKIM is the father."
+
+_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill brought in.
+
+_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone
+knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it
+should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell
+Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass
+Vote of Thanks. LAWSON wants to know whether OLD MORALITY has conveyed
+the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply?
+Question put without notice. Rather startles OLD MORALITY. Fact is,
+never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of
+passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in
+and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk,
+by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these
+questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of
+Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might
+probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared
+every morning. OLD MORALITY moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of
+despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not
+to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no
+escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic
+manner, and speaking in solemn tones, OLD MORALITY said, "Mr. SPEAKER,
+Sir, it is no part of my duty to the QUEEN and country to convey to
+anybody a Resolution of this House."
+
+[Illustration: "Where's the Vote of Thanks?"]
+
+LAWSON up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked SPEAKER whether _he_
+had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; SPEAKER had had no
+instructions on the matter.
+
+Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not
+the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various
+people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder
+Brother DAY, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his
+heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges
+on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the
+distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with
+copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and
+behold! they have never had it at all!
+
+House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh,
+ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned
+with affectation of keen interest to question raised by MUNDELLA of
+iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of
+York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing
+eloquence of HART DYKE, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before
+Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of
+thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of
+neglect; HANNEN taking on a sterner aspect; SMITH affecting a perky
+indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother DAY ever stealing
+the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from
+scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine.
+
+_Thursday._--"Talk about DIZZY," said HARCOURT, perhaps not without some
+tinge of envy, "if OLD MORALITY goes on in this style, DIZZY won't be in
+it for persiflage."
+
+House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear HARCOURT'S whisper. JOHN
+MORLEY began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5
+Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been
+seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted
+Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. COURTNEY put
+Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition
+was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill
+knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to
+every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and
+say, "Aye," when COURTNEY asked him should he knock off another fifty
+Clauses?
+
+When it was over, JOHN MORLEY rose, and gravely expressed hope that OLD
+MORALITY would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition
+persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by
+leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for OLD MORALITY, prone
+to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in
+performing duty to QUEEN and country by obstruction of Members opposite.
+
+"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "JOHN'S got him there. A hit, a
+palpable hit!"
+
+But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of OLD MORALITY. Rose from
+other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell
+all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility
+for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite
+flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more
+than OLD MORALITY. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his
+face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his
+portly body gently shook with laughter.
+
+"Ah!" said J. G. TALBOT, mournfully regarding him through his
+spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke.
+
+Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. PICTON rallied scattered forces of
+Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence;
+trenormous energy.
+
+"Reminds me," said Admiral FIELD, "of his grandfather, General PICTON,
+who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade
+of Marines there, you know; attached to PICTON'S Division. Never look on
+Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and
+the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear.
+
+PICTON reminded HICKS-BEACH of someone else--"his great predecessor in
+spoliation, HENRY THE EIGHTH."
+
+"Yes, but better looking," said PLUNKET, always ready to put in a kind
+word.
+
+_Business done._--Tithes Bill Debate.
+
+[Illustration: Tearing up the Tithes.]
+
+_Friday Night._--Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of
+depressing the human mind, acted upon CRANBORNE like electric shock.
+Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in
+favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he
+"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the
+piratical PICTON and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case
+the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to
+seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question?
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes
+against 164.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A (NOT) AT HOME."--Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated
+paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a
+certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel
+departure should be useful as a precedent to the _crême de la crême_ of
+suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be
+expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence"
+columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:--"On Thursday last
+Mr. and Mrs. MADEIRA TOP-FLOOR SMITHIES entertained a small and select
+party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace,
+Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the
+Prince of TECK, the Duke of WESTMINSTER, Lady BURDETT-COUTTS, and the
+LORD CHANCELLOR. In the general circle, Lord CROSS, the Countess of
+CLARENDON, and the Bishop of LONDON, were also conspicuous by their
+absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of CAMBRIDGE nor Mr.
+GLADSTONE were expected to join the company before the close of the
+entertainment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER SCARCELY À LA ROOSE.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am a poor man, but I
+like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and
+yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method.
+I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot
+of _pâté de foies gras_, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted
+cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find that I can
+eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not
+make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a
+picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad
+one--but that is a matter of detail.
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+  THE FOUNDER OF THE MORE-THAN-ENOUGH SOCIETY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UTOPIAN.--Neither noise, vibration, nor dust! That's what the BRAMWELLS,
+the WATKINS, and the GALTONS claim for that partly-developed but
+promising--much promising--invention of M. GIRARD'S, the _Chemin de Fer
+Glissant_, or Sliding Railway. _What_ a happy ideal! By all means, "Let
+it slide!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHANCE FOR A NEW MEMBER.--"Rookeries," said Mr. HENRY LAZARUS in his
+evidence at Marylebone, "abound in St. Pancras, and it is a scandal to
+civilisation that they should continue to exist." Now, Mr. BOLTON, M.P.,
+can't you have your legal and parliamentary finger in this Rook pie?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30492 ***
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, April 5, 1890, by Various</title>
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30492 ***</div>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+April 5, 1890, by Various, Edited by Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand</h1>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>APRIL 5, 1890.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Journalistic.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel
+appearance</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A powerful-looking fellow</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, An awful ruffian.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A rumour has reached us</i>"&mdash;(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses
+wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves).</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Nothing fresh has transpired</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, The local Reporter's invention
+is at last exhausted.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which
+he was placed</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his
+knuckles.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, The
+Reporter left early.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Social.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, I'm not going
+to throw away my singing on these people.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know
+you were in Town</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, By which I wish her to understand that I
+hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (<i>for which I
+had received no invitation</i>) that appeared in last Thursday's <i>Morning
+Post</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage</i>;"
+<i>i.e.</i>, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of
+your way.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">For Show Sunday.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Shall you have many Pictures in this year?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, He'll jump for
+joy if he gets one in.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?</i>"
+<i>i.e.</i>, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?</i>"
+<i>i.e.</i>, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle
+Ideal treatment, so different, &amp;c., &amp;c.?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, 'Tisn't like anything
+on earth.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll
+create a sensation!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I
+may as well be in it.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with
+it?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, I should hope not&mdash;for <span class="smcap">Millais'</span> sake.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>,
+His picture is.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old
+man</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Dull
+skies and dowdy peasants!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a
+laugh out of</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Or at!</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Auctioneering.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Every Modern Convenience</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Electric-bells and disconnected
+drain-pipes.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Cheap and Commodious Flat</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Seven small square rooms, with no
+outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A Desirable Residence</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, To get out of.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Platformulars.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are
+engaged</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all
+right.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Our great Leader</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will
+give me time to think."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%">
+<a href="images/157.png">
+<img src="images/157.png" width="100%" alt="SOCIAL ECONOMY" /></a>
+<h4>SOCIAL ECONOMY.</h4>
+<p><i>Mrs. Scrooge.</i> "<span class="smcap">I'm writing to ask the Browns to meet the Joneses here
+at Dinner, and to the Joneses to meet the Browns. We owe them both, you
+know</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Scrooge.</i> "<span class="smcap">But I've heard they've just Quarrelled, and don't
+speak</span>!"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Scrooge.</i> "<span class="smcap">I know. They'll refuse, and we needn't give a Dinner
+Party at all!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"MY CURATE."</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[The <i>Law Times</i> mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and
+good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My
+Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a
+Solicitor.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Drowsiham Vicarage.</i> Vicar <i>and Family discovered seated at
+breakfast-table. Time&mdash;Present.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>The Vicar.</i> I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's <i>Church
+Papers</i>, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the
+post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest
+respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my
+own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed."</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (giddily).</i> Pa! Have any of them sent photos?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar.</i> Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose
+<i>cartes-de-visite</i> with testimonials.</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter.</i> Now I shall be able to fill up my Album!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures).</i> This
+is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass,
+and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young!</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter (thoughtfully).</i> It's a pity we can't lay in <i>two</i>
+Curates while we are about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar.</i> Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what
+he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as
+candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of
+their photographs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (reading).</i> "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views!
+Here's something better&mdash;"Very Musical Voice"&mdash;the <i>darling</i>! He <i>looks</i>
+as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen
+minutes in preaching." Delicious!</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar's Wife.</i> I don't know if the parishioners will like <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Both Daughters (together).</i> But <i>we</i> shall!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (continues reading).</i> "Quite content to preach only in
+the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What <i>does</i> he
+mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar (cordially).</i> I know! I think he'll do very well. <i>Just</i> the sort
+of man I want!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter.</i> Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and
+twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet!</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter.</i> Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him <i>at once</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (turning pale).</i> Stop! What is this? "Very steady and
+respectable. <i>Has been engaged to be married for past three years!</i>"
+Call <i>him</i> engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch!</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter.</i> A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him,
+Pa?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar (meditatively).</i> I might&mdash;in the Archbishop's Court. Really this
+new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely
+to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at!</p>
+<p class="author">[<i>Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i><span class="smcap">She Stoops to Conquer</span></i> has been announced as in preparation at the
+Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss <span class="smcap">Mary Moore</span> v. Miss <span class="smcap">Winifred Emery</span> as
+<i>Miss Hardcastle</i>. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not
+run it at both Houses?&mdash;and, to decide, call in a jury of "the
+<span class="smcap">Goldsmith's</span> Company."</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Mayfair Row.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Goode</span>, <span class="smcap">Baird</span>, and very indifferent.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>
+
+<h4>THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.</h4>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="introduction">
+<tr><td><i>A Song of the Situation.</i></td><td><i><span class="smcap">Air</span>&mdash;"The King and I".</i></td><td><i>Socialist Workman sings</i>:&mdash;</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/158.png">
+<img src="images/158.png" width="100%" alt="THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="introduction">
+<tr><td><i>Emperor.</i> "<span class="smcap">I'm one of you</span>!"</td><td><i>Socialist.</i> "<span class="smcap">All right, Mate. Then&mdash;take off your Crown!</span>"</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Kaiser swears that he can work;</p>
+<p class="i4">So can I! So can I!</p>
+<p class="i0">Strain and long hours he will not shirk.</p>
+<p class="i4">Nor do I, nor do I.</p>
+<p class="i0">But he may work at his sweet will;</p>
+<p class="i4">So they say, so they say.</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill;</p>
+<p class="i4">A long day, a long day!</p>
+<p class="i0">So there's <i>some</i> difference I see</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt the Emperor and me.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">He hath his army and his ships;</p>
+<p class="i4">Great are they! Great are they!</p>
+<p class="i0">Their price, which my lean pocket nips,</p>
+<p class="i4">I must pay, I must pay.</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet here he comes to grip my hand;</p>
+<p class="i4">That's his plan, that's his plan;</p>
+<p class="i0">And at my side to take his stand,</p>
+<p class="i4">Working-man, working-man!</p>
+<p class="i0">Strange that such likeness there should be</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt the Emperor and me!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Bismarck</span>, it seems, he does not trust;</p>
+<p class="i4">Nor do I, nor do I.</p>
+<p class="i0">He thinks the toiler's claims are just;</p>
+<p class="i4">So do I, so do I.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+<p class="i0">He's called a Conference of Kings,</p>
+<p class="i6">Novel scheme, novel scheme!</p>
+<p class="i0">To talk of Socialistic things&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Pleasant dream, pleasant dream!</p>
+<p class="i0">What difference, now, would <span class="smcap">Karl Marx</span> see</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt my Emperor and me?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The "International" they banned.</p>
+<p class="i6"><i>That</i> was vile, <i>that</i> was vile.</p>
+<p class="i0">But now a similar thing <i>they've</i> planned,</p>
+<p class="i6">Makes me smile, makes me smile.</p>
+<p class="i0">Labour world-over they'll discuss,</p>
+<p class="i6">Far and near, far and near.</p>
+<p class="i0">Will it all end in futile fuss?</p>
+<p class="i6">That's my fear, that's my fear.</p>
+<p class="i0">A difference of view I see</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt the Emperor and me.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But here he comes to grip my fist,</p>
+<p class="i6">Fair and free, fair and free.</p>
+<p class="i0">Thinks he the chance I can't resist?</p>
+<p class="i6">We shall see, we shall see.</p>
+<p class="i0">I wear the Cap and he the Crown&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Awkward gear, awkward gear!</p>
+<p class="i0">Is he content to put it down?</p>
+<p class="i6">No, I fear; no, I fear.</p>
+<p class="i0">If Workman I as Workman he,</p>
+<p class="i0">Perhaps he'll just change hats with me!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The French Gallery.</span>&mdash;Oddly enough the French Gallery contains but a
+small proportion of French pictures. Possibly Mr. <span class="smcap">Wallis</span> thinks it is
+not high-bred to appear too long in a French <i>r&ocirc;le</i>&mdash;perhaps he fancies
+the public would get crusty or the critics might have him "on toast."
+Anyhow, he has taken French leave to do as he pleases, and the result is
+very satisfactory. He does not lose our Frenchship by the change. There
+are three remarkable pictures by Prof. <span class="smcap">Fritz Von Uhde</span>, and two by Prof.
+<span class="smcap">Max Liebermann</span>, which ought to make a sensation, and there is an
+excellent <span class="smcap">Munkacsy</span>, besides a varied collection of foreign pictures.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Blackburn</span>, author of that annually useful work, <i>Academy
+Notes</i>, is announced to give lectures at Kensington Town Hall, April 13.
+One of his subjects, "Sketching in Sunshine," will be very interesting
+to a Londoner. First catch your sunshine: then sketch. Mr. <span class="smcap">Blackburn</span>
+will be illuminated by oxy-hydrogen; he will thus appear as Mr.
+White-burn; so altogether a light entertainment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/159.png">
+<img src="images/159.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE ZOO." /></a>
+<h4>AT THE "ZOO."</h4>
+<p><i>Arabella.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, Aug&mdash;&mdash; Mr. Brown, let's go to the Apeiary. I think the
+Monkeys are such fun!</span>"</p>
+<p>[<i>He did not Propose that afternoon!</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WAY TO THE TEMPLE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch,</span></p>
+
+<center><i>Willesden Junction.</i></center>
+
+<p>Having been assured by a Phrenologist that my bump of locality is very
+highly developed, I attempted the other day&mdash;although a perfect stranger
+to London&mdash;to walk from Charing Cross to the Temple without inquiring
+the route. I had absolutely no assistance but a small map of Surbiton
+and the neighbourhood, from which I had calculated the general lie of
+the country, and a plain, ordinary compass, which I had bought cheap
+because it had lost its pointer. I am not sure that the route I took was
+the most direct. But when, after several hours' walk, I found myself at
+Willesden Junction, I was assured by a boy in the district, whom I
+asked, that I could not possibly have gone straighter. He advised me to
+take a ticket at once for Chalk Farm, as I still had some way to go, and
+said that he thought I might have to change at Battersea. He was a nice,
+bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily.</p>
+
+<p>I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not
+yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they
+have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have
+camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a
+train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated,
+and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I
+would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright
+little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two
+other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much
+amused&mdash;probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, <i>Mr.
+Punch</i>, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very
+well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but
+these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to
+less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country.</p>
+
+<p>But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important.
+There ought to be a great many more doors <i>into</i> the refreshment-room,
+and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm
+by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it
+should certainly be made&mdash;by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic
+pressure&mdash;to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted
+to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must
+be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to
+take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, <i>Mr. Punch</i>,</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Your humble and obedient Servant,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Phrenitic</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>New "Physical Examination" Style.</i>)</center>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Oxford</span>, <i>April 1, 1890</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of
+Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical
+exhibition of several physical <i>tours de force</i> on the spare ground at
+the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning.
+Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the
+Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of
+Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or
+before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize
+Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to be
+practically and personally illustrated by several feats of the
+successful candidate himself, will be "<i>Leap Year</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>LIGHT AND AYRY.</h4>
+
+<center>Rejected! in bad grammar I declare<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I can't forget this year, nor yet that Ayr!</center><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Recording Angel in the House, or the Gal in the Gallery.</span>&mdash;"<i>Que
+diable allait-elle faire dans cette 'galerie.'</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)<br />
+
+No. VII.&mdash;THE PATRON OF SPORT.</center>
+
+<p>In order to qualify properly for the patronage of sport, a man must
+finally abandon any vestiges of refinement which may remain to him after
+a youth spent mainly in the use of strong language, and the abuse of
+strong drink. The future patron, who has enjoyed for some years the
+advantages of a neglected training in the privacy of the domestic
+circle, will have been sent to a public school. Like a vicious book, he
+will soon have been "called in," though not until he has been cut by
+those who may have been brought in contact with him. Having thus left
+his school for his school's good, he will find no difficulty in
+persuading his parents that the high spirits of an ingenuous youth,
+however distasteful they may have been to the ridiculous prejudices of a
+pedantic Head Master, are certain to be properly appreciated by the
+officers of a crack Regiment. He will, therefore, decide to enter the
+Army, and after pursuing his arduous studies for some time at the
+various Music Halls and drinking saloons of the Metropolis, he will
+administer a public reproof to the Civil Service Commissioners, by
+declining on two separate occasions to pass the examination for
+admission into Sandhurst.</p>
+
+<p>He will then inform his father that he is heavily in debt, and, having
+borrowed money from his tailor, he will disappear from the parental ken,
+to turn up again, after a week, without his watch, his scarf-pin, or his
+studs. This freak will be accepted by his relatives as a convincing
+proof of his fitness for a financial career, and he will shortly be
+transferred to the City as Clerk to a firm of Stockbrokers. Here his
+versatile talents will have full scope. He will manage to reconcile a
+somewhat lax attention to the details of business with a strict
+regularity in his attendance at suburban race-meetings. Nothing will be
+allowed to stand in his way when he pursues the shadow of pleasure
+through the most devious windings into the lowest haunts. For him the
+resources of dissipation are never exhausted. Pot-houses provide him
+with cocktails, restaurants furnish him with elaborate dinners, tailors
+array him in fine clothes, hosiers collar him up to the chin, and cover
+his breast with immaculate fronts. The master-pieces of West-End
+jewellers, hatters, and boot-makers, sparkle on various portions of his
+person; he finds in a lady step-dancer a goddess, and in <i>Ruff's Guide</i>
+a Bible; he sups, he swears, he drinks, and he gambles, and, finally, he
+attains to the summit of earthly felicity by finding himself mentioned
+under a nickname in the paragraphs of a sporting organ.</p>
+
+<p>Having about the same time engaged in a midnight brawl with an
+undersized and middle-aged cabman, he appears the next morning in a
+Police Court, and, after being fined forty shillings, is hailed as a
+hero by his companions, and recognised as a genuine Patron of Sport by
+the world at large. Henceforward his position is assured. He becomes the
+boon companion of Music-hall Chairmen, and lives on terms of intimate
+vulgarity with Money-lenders, who find that it pays to take a low
+interest in the pleasures, in order the more easily to obtain a high
+interest on the borrowings, of reckless young men.</p>
+
+<p>In company with these associates, and with others of more or less
+repute, the Patron of Sport sets the seal to his patronage by becoming a
+member of a so-called Sporting Club, at which professional pugilists
+batter one another in order to provide excitement for a mixed assemblage
+of coarse and brainless rowdies and the feeble toadies who dance
+attendance upon them. Here the Patron is at his best and noblest. Though
+he has never worn a glove in anger, nor indeed taken the smallest part
+in any genuine athletic exercise, he is as free with his opinions as he
+is unsparing of the adjectives wherewith he adorns them. He talks
+learnedly of "upper-cuts" and "cross-counters," and grows humorous over
+"mouse-traps," "pile-drivers on the mark," and "the flow of the ruby."
+Having absorbed four whiskeys-and-soda, he will observe that "if a
+fellow refuses to train properly, he must expect to be
+receiver-general," and, after lighting his tenth cigar as a tribute,
+presumably, to the lung power of the combatants, will indulge in some
+moody reflections on the decay of British valour and the general
+degeneracy of Englishmen. He will then drink liqueur brandy out of a
+claret glass, and, having slapped a sporting solicitor on the back and
+dug in the ribs a gentleman jockey who has been warned off the course,
+he will tread on the toes of an inoffensive stranger who has allowed
+himself to be elected a member of the Club under the mistaken impression
+that it was the home of sportsmen and the sanctuary of honest boxers.
+After duly characterising the stranger's eyes and his awkwardness, the
+Patron will resume his seat near the ropes, and will stare vacuously at
+the brilliant gathering of touts, loafers, parasites, usurers,
+book-makers, broken-down racing men, seedy soldiers, and over-fed City
+men who are assembled round the room. Inspired by their society with the
+conviction that he is assisting in an important capacity in the revival
+of a manly sport, he will adjust his hat on the back of his head, rap
+with his gold-headed cane upon the floor, and call "Time!"&mdash;a humorous
+sally which is always much appreciated, especially when the ring is
+empty. After witnessing the first three rounds of the next competition,
+he will rise to depart, and observing a looking-glass, will excite the
+laughter of his friends and the admiration of the waiters by sparring
+one round with his own reflection, finally falling into the arms of a
+companion, whom he adjures not to mind him, but to sponge up the other
+fellow.</p>
+
+<p>After this exploit a supper-club receives him, and he is made much of by
+those of both sexes who are content to thrive temporarily on the money
+of a friend. He will then drive a hansom through the streets, and,
+having knocked over a hot potato-stall, he will compensate the
+proprietor with a round of oaths and a five-pound note.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/160.png">
+<img src="images/160.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>In appearance the Patron of Sport is unwholesome. The bloom of youth
+vanished from his face before he ceased to be a boy; he assumes the worn
+and sallow mask of age before he has fairly begun to be a man. His hair
+is thin, and is carefully flattened by the aid of unguents, his dress is
+flashy, his moustache thick. In order the more closely to imitate a true
+sportsman, he wears a baggy overcoat, with large buttons. Yet he abhors
+all kinds of honest exercise, and, in the days of his prosperity, keeps
+a small brougham with yellow wheels. Soon after he reaches the age of
+thirty, he begins to feel the effects of his variegated life. He fails
+in landing a big <i>coup</i> on the Stock Exchange, and loses much money over
+a Newmarket meeting, in which he plunges on a succession of rank
+outsiders, whom a set of rascals, more cunning than himself, have
+represented to him as certainties. His position on the Stock Exchange
+becomes shaky, and he attempts to restore it by embarking with a gang of
+needy rogues on a first-class "roping" transaction, in connection with a
+prize-fight in Spain. Having, however, been exposed, he is shunned by
+most of those who only heard of the swindle when it was too late to join
+in it.</p>
+
+<p>This is the beginning of the end. He becomes careless of his appearance;
+with the decrease of his means his coats become shiny, and his cuffs
+more and more frayed. Eventually he falls into a state of sodden
+imbecility, relieved by occasional flashes of delirium tremens, and dies
+at the age of thirty-six, regretted by nobody except the faithful
+bull-dog, whose silver collar was the last thing he pawned.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A New Opera (in Preparation).</h4>
+
+<p><i>Librettist.</i> Now here's a grand effect. They all say, "We swear!" Then
+there's a magnificent "Oath Chorus!" How do you propose to treat that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Composer.</i> Oath Chorus? In D Major.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Page from an Imperial Note-Book.</span>&mdash;So far so good. Got rid of the Grand
+Old Chancellor and the rest of <i>that</i> crew&mdash;without much of a row! Been
+civil to my English Uncle, the Pope and the Democrats. Can't be idle, so
+what shall I do next? Why not take a trip to America where I might stand
+for President? If I propose extending trip to Salt Lake, would have to
+go <i>en gar&ccedil;on</i>. Or I might see if I could not get a little further than
+<span class="smcap">Stanley</span> in Africa. When I returned might write a book to be called, <i>The
+Extra Deep-Edged Black Continent</i>. Or why not turn painter? With a
+little practice would soon cut out all the Old Masters, native and
+foreign. And if I gave my mind to poetry, why <span class="smcap">Goethe</span> and <span class="smcap">Heine</span> would be
+simply nowhere! How about horse-racing? A Berlin Derby Day would make my
+English cousins "sit up." And sermons, there's something to be done in
+sermons! I believe I could compose as good a discourse as any of my
+Court chaplains. And then, possibly, I might be qualified to do that
+which would satisfy the sharpest craving of my loftiest ambition&mdash;<i>I
+might write for Punch!</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[So he shall. He shall "write for <i>Punch</i>," enclosing stamps, and
+the Number shall be sent to him by return.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed</span>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>
+
+<h2>PLAY-TIME.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Since</span> the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't
+see the <i>premi&egrave;re</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Sugden</span> must have immensely improved his
+<i>Touchstone</i>. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I
+saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly
+discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital
+<i>Audrey</i>, Miss <span class="smcap">Marion Lea</span>, and with <i>William</i>, were uncommonly good. I
+confess I was surprised. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourchier</span>&mdash;but now an amateur, now
+thus&mdash;gives <i>Jaques'</i> immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a
+thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the
+absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical
+recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry's</span>
+<i>Rosalind</i> is charming, her scenes with <i>Orlando</i> being as pretty a
+piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a
+pretty Lamb is she they call <span class="smcap">Beatrice</span> who plays <i>Ph&oelig;be</i>! What a
+sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To
+witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as
+if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a
+while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the
+forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom,
+under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/161.png">
+<img src="images/161.png" width="100%" alt="The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance" /></a>
+<h4>The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was curious to see how <span class="smcap">Alexander</span> "the (Getting) Great" would comport
+himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto
+been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public
+and his admirers&mdash;the terms are synonymous&mdash;may breathe again. <span class="smcap">Alexander</span>
+is surprisingly good as <i>Dr. Bill</i>, and the serious earnestness with
+which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications.
+And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be
+none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer,
+author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. <span class="smcap">Hamilton
+A&iuml;d&eacute;</span>!! "Sir," in future will <span class="smcap">Hamilton A&iuml;d&eacute;</span> say, when being interviewed
+by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled&mdash;&mdash;"
+"Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like
+'<i>Dr. Bill</i>,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his
+tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give
+him in the other. I back the <i>argumentum ad pocketum</i> against the Tragic
+Muse.</p>
+
+<p>How capitally it is played! Miss <span class="smcap">Brough</span> excellent; and so also is Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Chevalier</span>, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is
+not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming
+housemaid is pretty Miss <span class="smcap">Marie Linden</span>; and the idiotic youth, <i>George
+Webster</i>, played by Mr. <span class="smcap">Benjamin Webster</span>,&mdash;two Websters rolled into
+one,&mdash;is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I
+congratulate <span class="smcap">Alexander</span> the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons,
+I should like to be, were I not</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Diogenes Out of the Tub</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis the voice of the Critic</p>
+<p class="i2">I hear him complain,</p>
+<p class="i0">"One more afternoon!</p>
+<p class="i2">Fools! they're at it again!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">These dull <i>Matin&eacute;es</i>!</p>
+<p class="i2">Wretched plays I must see!</p>
+<p class="i0">But, alas, 'tis no play,</p>
+<p class="i2">And there's no peace for me!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the <i>Daily News</i> the
+other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with
+respect to the Emperor of <span class="smcap">Austria</span>. It runs thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood
+of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, <i>the passionate huntsman</i>
+said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this
+week.'"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first
+time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Himantophyllums</span> and Cyclamens were there to be seen,</p>
+<p class="i0">And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">High Life, Commercial, Trading, and Other</span>.</center>
+
+<p>THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.&mdash;As supplied direct from the ancestral
+estates of His Grace the Duke of <span class="smcap">Wagover</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.&mdash;This fashionable coal, throwing down
+a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now
+confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of
+<span class="smcap">Wagover</span>, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has
+now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to
+relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the
+purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal
+supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on
+his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders
+or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover
+Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.&mdash;N.B. Customers are respectfully
+invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are
+properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the
+coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a
+ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His
+Grace's own eye.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.&mdash;These delicious breakfast-table delicacies
+(now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any
+pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble
+Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants,
+secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his
+own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of
+the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so
+increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a
+shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been
+busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from
+morning till night. An analyst, writing to the <i>Stethoscope</i>, says, "<i>I
+have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit.
+I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere</i>."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above
+appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an
+Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies,
+whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling,
+at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred <i>parvenue</i> who can afford to
+pay for it, the <i>entr&eacute;e</i> to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable
+circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family
+connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an
+introduction.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Exclusive Society Introduction
+Syndicate</span> beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious
+aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social
+privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the
+following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced
+according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social
+market, are now offered for their consideration:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="regards">&pound;&nbsp;&nbsp; <i>s.</i> <i>&nbsp;d.</i></p>
+<p>Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood of Belgrave Square<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;(without introduction to Host or Hostess)</p>
+<p class="regards">21&nbsp;&nbsp;  0&nbsp;  0</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, (with introduction)</p>
+<p class="regards">31  10&nbsp;  0</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington</p>
+<p class="regards">1  11 &nbsp;6</p>
+<p>Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor, Royal Academician,<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Distinguished Literary Man, or other celebrity</p>
+<p class="regards">10  10&nbsp;  0</p>
+<p>Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of eight</p>
+<p class="regards">26&nbsp;  5&nbsp;  0</p>
+
+<p>Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements
+of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means,
+may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons,
+into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>DINING WITH A DUCHESS.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Exclusive Society Introduction Syndicate</span> beg
+to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily
+securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the
+present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses
+incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one
+hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal
+introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three
+minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the
+evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of
+fifty guineas extra.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/162.png">
+<img src="images/162.png" width="100%" alt="IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY" /></a>
+<h4>IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"THE GIFT HORSE."</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine,</p>
+<p class="i2">But how if the crayture is not worth its kape?</p>
+<p class="i0">Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape.</p>
+<p class="i0">What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour?</p>
+<p class="i0">We moight do that same did we not know the donor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould,</p>
+<p class="i2">A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch;</p>
+<p class="i0">But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could,</p>
+<p class="i2">And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch.</p>
+<p class="i0">Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick,</p>
+<p class="i0">For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It looks all very well in the front, to be shure,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears,</p>
+<p class="i0">But your sate in the saddle had need be secure</p>
+<p class="i2">If it lash out behoind, as it <i>could</i>, oive me fears.</p>
+<p class="i0">By the sowl of St. <span class="smcap">Pat</span>. oi'd as soon risk a spill</p>
+<p class="i0">From those blayguard buck-jumpers of <span class="smcap">Buffalo Bill</span>!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Gift horse? Oh, by jabers <i>that's</i> not what we're afther,</p>
+<p class="i2">We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance.</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Balfour</span>, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter.</p>
+<p class="i2">Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance.</p>
+<p class="i0">Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag,</p>
+<p class="i0">Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence;</p>
+<p class="i2">But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff!</p>
+<p class="i0">Ye'd loike us to take it,&mdash;and take no offence.</p>
+<p class="i2">And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh.</p>
+<p class="i0">It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South;</p>
+<p class="i0">So, <span class="smcap">Parnell</span>, my boy, <i>take a squint at its mouth!</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Faster and Faster.</span>&mdash;In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats
+the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against
+those of Succi, give her a handsome <i>dot</i>, she will be known as <i>La
+Je&ucirc;nesse Dor&eacute;e</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>DUNRAVEN.</h2>
+<center>(<i>Verses from the Very Latest Version.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Once on a Commission dreary sat <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>, worn and weary.</p>
+<p class="i2">Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor,</p>
+<p class="i0">Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score.</p>
+<p class="i0">"Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar,</p>
+<p class="i6">Gently purr, and nothing more."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Be those words our sign of parting!" cried <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>, swift upstarting;</p>
+<p class="i2">"Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er,</p>
+<p class="i0">We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken.</p>
+<p class="i2">Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er!</p>
+<p class="i0">Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?"</p>
+<p class="i6">Quoth <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>, "Nevermore!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT!</h2>
+
+<p>I only hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last
+Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most
+suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark
+morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent
+it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun
+to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle
+Book by post.</p>
+
+<p>It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford
+got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course
+Hoxford wun as I proffysized.</p>
+
+<p>I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the
+<span class="smcap">Lord Mare</span> at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their
+bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel
+for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of
+the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a
+disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that
+strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying
+suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to
+be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I
+bleeves means about 6 years. <span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/163.png">
+<img src="images/163.png" width="100%" alt="THE GIFT HORSE" /></a>
+<h4>"THE GIFT HORSE."</h4>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/165.png">
+<img src="images/165.png" width="100%" alt="TIT FOR TAT" /></a>
+<h4>TIT FOR TAT.</h4>
+<p><i>Captain Pullem (having just effected a "Swop" with his Friend).</i> "<span class="smcap">Now,
+I'll be straight with you, Old Man. That Horse you've got from me is a
+bit of a Crib-biter</span>!"</p>
+<p><i>Friend.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, don't mention it, Old Chap. You'll find mine to be a
+confirmed Runaway!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SONG SENTIMENTIANA.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable
+Composer.</i>)<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Example II.&mdash;Showing how curiously Retentive is the Lover's Memory</span>.</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis ninety years ago, love!</p>
+<p class="i2">It seems but yestermorn</p>
+<p class="i0">We sat upon the snow, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">And watch'd the golden corn!</p>
+<p class="i0">I mind the bitter wind, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I mind it well, although</p>
+<p class="i0">The wind I say I mind, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Blew ninety years ago!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The plough stood on the hill, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">The horse stood in the plough!</p>
+<p class="i0">And both were standing still, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I seem to see them now!</p>
+<p class="i0">The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">A stranger <i>he</i> to <i>whoa</i>!</p>
+<p class="i0">And so was I&mdash;but then, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twas ninety years ago!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The roses by the way, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Were large and, oh, so fair!</p>
+<p class="i0">And so they are to-day, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">For all I know&mdash;or care!</p>
+<p class="i0">And softly unto thou, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">While yet among the snow,</p>
+<p class="i0">I breathed that fatal vow, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of ninety years ago!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A "Fishing Interrogatory."</span>&mdash;"What's this new French book on angling?"
+asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and
+literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called <i>The Bait Humane</i>. I
+do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a
+hook, which is so cruel."&mdash;[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has
+heard some mention of <i>La B&ecirc;te Humaine</i>.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>]</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Advice</span> to those who are about to give Easter presents&mdash;send to
+<span class="smcap">Macmillan's</span> for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as
+paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. <span class="smcap">Tenniel's</span>" illustrations,
+coloured by Miss <span class="smcap">Gertrude Thomson</span>, under his direction.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Universal Review</i> is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr.
+<span class="smcap">W. L. Courtney</span>, entitled, <i>Kit Marlowe's Death</i>. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourchier</span> of the
+St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his
+theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,&mdash;such, for instance,
+as "<i>They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows</i>," and "<i>The
+others laugh at</i> <span class="smcap">Nash's</span> <i>expense</i>,"&mdash;are well worth all the money that
+the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In
+the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "<i>Count Tolstoy at
+Home</i>," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature,
+but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the
+<i>Kreutzer Sonata</i> is interesting; and interesting also is the paper
+entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of
+<span class="smcap">Gloucester</span>,&mdash;henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Andrew Lang</span> in <i>Longman's</i>&mdash;or rather <i>Lang-man's&mdash;Magazine</i>, is
+still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"&mdash;[The Baron moves "that the
+words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]&mdash;and as he has recently
+been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his
+readers to learn, that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order
+to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are
+undeterred by the eye of Detective <span class="smcap">Runciman</span>. I wish success to Merry
+Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same <i>Lang-man's Mag.</i>,
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Val Prinsep</span>, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the
+paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame,
+continues his novel <i>Virginie</i>. In the present chapter he incidentally
+gives a description of the service of Mass in the good <i>Abb&eacute; Leroux's</i>
+parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No
+wonder "the <i>Abb&eacute; Leroux</i> was scandalised," when the service had been
+turned topsy-turvy, the <i>credo</i> put before the <i>gloria</i>, and a young
+person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a
+solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved
+Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile <span class="smcap">Prinsep's</span> novel!</p>
+
+<p>In <i>Plain Tales from the Hills</i>, by Mr. <span class="smcap">Rudyard Kipling</span>, the jaded
+palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour.
+In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian <span class="smcap">Bret Harte</span>, and there is
+perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will
+be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite
+surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and
+native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already
+won a reputation for the author. Few can read <i>Beyond the Pale</i>, <i>The
+Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly</i>, <i>The Story of Muhammed Din</i>, <i>The Germ
+Destroyer</i>, and <i>The Madness of Private Ortheris</i>, for example, without
+admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and
+impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic
+conciseness.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Baron de Book-worms &amp; Co.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In the intervals of Sport</p>
+<p class="i2">M.P.'s vamp the country's work,</p>
+<p class="i0">Therefore cut the Sessions short,</p>
+<p class="i2">Supplementary Sessions shirk.</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Must</i> have time to pot the grouse,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Must</i> have time to hook the salmon,</p>
+<p class="i0">Spoil our Sport to help the House?</p>
+<p class="i8">Gammon!!!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lost</span>, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a
+highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play."
+It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the
+Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many
+applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir <span class="smcap">R-ch-rd
+W-bst-r</span> and Sir <span class="smcap">W-ll-m H-rc-rt</span>, to <span class="smcap">L-rd D-nr-v-n</span>, and (last and least)
+Sir <span class="smcap">W. M-rr-tt</span>, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims.
+Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the
+lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the
+Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry
+spite, will, on applying personally to <i>Mr. Punch</i>, be <span class="smcap">Handsomely
+Rewarded</span>!!!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote>[Pipe-Major <span class="smcap">McKellar</span> has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic
+story of "<span class="smcap">Jessie Brown</span> of Lucknow."]</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Our faith to the winds you would chuck now,</p>
+<p class="i0">Concerning that Legend of Lucknow.</p>
+<p class="i6">That sweet Scottish girl</p>
+<p class="i6">Never heard the pipes "skirl?"</p>
+<p class="i0">Come! This is mere sceptical muck now!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager</p>
+<p class="i0">Will survive many stories much sager.</p>
+<p class="i6">Our faith in the tale</p>
+<p class="i6">Is confirmed, and won't fail</p>
+<p class="i0">At the word of a single Pipe-Major.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/166.png">
+<img src="images/166.png" width="100%" alt="TIME WORKS WONDERS" /></a>
+<h4>TIME WORKS WONDERS.</h4>
+<p>(<i>Mr. Punch's Suggestions, &agrave; propos of the recent Discussions about Mr.
+Gladstone's Head.</i>)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MUSICAL NOTES.</h2>
+
+<p>I have just received <span class="smcap">Florian Pascal's</span> Music composed for <i>Tra la la
+Tosca</i>, published by <span class="smcap">Joseph Williams</span> of Berners Street. Justice was not
+done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two <i>mor&ccedil;eaux</i> in
+it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "<i>Her Eye</i>,"
+which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a
+contralto song, just as <span class="smcap">Sullivan's</span> charming "<i>Hush a bye Bacon</i>," in
+<i>Cox and Box</i>, became "<i>Birds of the Night</i>." Then the Gavotte in this
+book is as graceful and catching as the <i>Gavotte de Louis Treize</i>, and
+would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Klein's</span> <i>Musical Notes of the Year</i>, a useful and trustworthy historical
+record, was sent to me, and not "de-<span class="smcap">Klein</span>'d with thanks." I have just
+heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't
+know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement;
+but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. <span class="smcap">Edward Solomon</span>, who is now
+wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led
+on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka
+or waltz which bears the name of "<i>Zingit</i>," and which might bear on the
+wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it."</p>
+
+<p class="regards">(<i>Signed</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="author"> <span class="smcap">Otto Piccolo (du Conservatoire)</span>.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Hubert Vos</span> requests the honour of our company at his studio near
+Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "<i>Sic</i> Vos <i>non
+vobis</i>."</p><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>A "<span class="smcap">Scratch Company</span>."&mdash;A Cat Show."</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/167.png">
+<img src="images/167.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH" /></a>
+<h4>WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH&mdash;AND HOW HE
+RETALIATES.</h4>
+<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, he may be a <i>Genius</i>. But I confess I don't <i>care</i> for the
+society of Geniuses!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">How very Personal of you! It's as if <i>I</i> were to confess I didn't
+care for the society of Handsome Women!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE.</h2>
+
+<p>The application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle
+Street, made by the <span class="smcap">Jeune Premier</span>, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. <span class="smcap">Ker
+Gray</span>, was opposed by Canon <span class="smcap">Capel Cure</span>, of St. George's, Hanover Square,
+the Hymeneal Temple <i>par excellence</i> of the Metropolis. Dr. <span class="smcap">Tristram</span>,
+with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider
+his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will
+the Minister with the sad-dog name of "<span class="smcap">Ker Gray</span>" become the Canon's
+<i>b&ecirc;te noire</i>. If the decision be t'other way, then <span class="smcap">Ker Gray</span> may twit the
+Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old
+lines of</p>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure,</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh isn't he a Cure!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "<i>Old Dog Tray</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"The chapel's far too near,</p>
+<p class="i2">But p'raps another year</p>
+<p class="i0">May put a stop to old <span class="smcap">Ker Gray</span>."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>In the meantime, the affair being <i>sub (Punch-and-) judice</i>, we refrain
+from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SENTENCE RE-VERSED.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Gin a body meet a body</p>
+<p class="i2">On the Queen's highway,</p>
+<p class="i0">And a body kiss a body,</p>
+<p class="i2">Won't a body pay?</p>
+<p class="i0">Mony a lassie has a temper.</p>
+<p class="i2">Mony a beak is stern;</p>
+<p class="i0">At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob,</p>
+<p class="i2">The lesson's hard to learn.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Too Much a Matter of Course.</span>&mdash;Cruelty to Hares.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 24.</i>&mdash;Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> explained in speech
+nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In
+course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is
+furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the
+Treasury Bench, behind Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, sat, on either hand, <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>
+and <span class="smcap">Jokim</span>. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences
+might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some
+period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both
+pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which
+<span class="smcap">Arthur</span> shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a
+coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, <span class="smcap">Old
+Morality</span> tugged at the right-hand one, and when <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> had a happy
+thought he hauled away on the left.</p>
+
+<p>As both their minds were seething with ideas, <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> had a lively time
+of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was
+assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had
+been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that
+seventeen years was about the average value under Lord <span class="smcap">Ashbourne's</span> Act,
+there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in
+that direction; <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> whispered in his ear.</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the
+instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is &pound;1,200,000 a
+year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is
+utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How
+would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently
+agitated, and <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> leaning over, <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> half-rising, eagerly explained
+something.)</p>
+
+<p>"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just
+about to show, that there would be first the &pound;200,000 reserve fund;
+secondly, there would be the &pound;200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly,
+&pound;40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and &pound;75,000 of the quarter
+per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that &pound;1,118,000
+of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the &pound;5,000,000, which was
+the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent
+portion of the guarantee fund, you would have &pound;1,633,000 to meet the
+call of &pound;1,200,000."</p>
+
+<p>This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of
+putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that <i>he</i>
+would have &pound;1,633,000 to meet a call of &pound;1,200,000, was designed to have
+soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that
+direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Jokim</span>," said <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We
+know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> shall
+bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and
+dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited
+manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle,
+that <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> is the father."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Land Purchase Bill brought in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Wilfrid Lawson</span> sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone
+knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it
+should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell
+Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass
+Vote of Thanks. <span class="smcap">Lawson</span> wants to know whether <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> has conveyed
+the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply?
+Question put without notice. Rather<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> startles <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>. Fact is,
+never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of
+passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in
+and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk,
+by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these
+questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of
+Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might
+probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared
+every morning. <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of
+despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not
+to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no
+escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic
+manner, and speaking in solemn tones, <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> said, "Mr. <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>,
+Sir, it is no part of my duty to the <span class="smcap">Queen</span> and country to convey to
+anybody a Resolution of this House."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/168a.png">
+<img src="images/168a.png" width="100%" alt="Where&#39;s the Vote of Thanks?" /></a>
+<h4>"Where's the Vote of Thanks?"</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lawson</span> up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> whether <i>he</i>
+had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> had had no
+instructions on the matter.</p>
+
+<p>Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not
+the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various
+people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder
+Brother <span class="smcap">Day</span>, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his
+heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges
+on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the
+distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with
+copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and
+behold! they have never had it at all!</p>
+
+<p>House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh,
+ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned
+with affectation of keen interest to question raised by <span class="smcap">Mundella</span> of
+iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of
+York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing
+eloquence of <span class="smcap">Hart Dyke</span>, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before
+Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of
+thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of
+neglect; <span class="smcap">Hannen</span> taking on a sterner aspect; <span class="smcap">Smith</span> affecting a perky
+indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother <span class="smcap">Day</span> ever stealing
+the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from
+scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;"Talk about <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span>," said <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, perhaps not without some
+tinge of envy, "if <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> goes on in this style, <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span> won't be in
+it for persiflage."</p>
+
+<p>House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear <span class="smcap">Harcourt's</span> whisper. <span class="smcap">John
+Morley</span> began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5
+Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been
+seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted
+Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> put
+Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition
+was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill
+knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to
+every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and
+say, "Aye," when <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> asked him should he knock off another fifty
+Clauses?</p>
+
+<p>When it was over, <span class="smcap">John Morley</span> rose, and gravely expressed hope that <span class="smcap">Old
+Morality</span> would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition
+persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by
+leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>, prone
+to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in
+performing duty to <span class="smcap">Queen</span> and country by obstruction of Members opposite.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "<span class="smcap">John's</span> got him there. A hit, a
+palpable hit!"</p>
+
+<p>But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>. Rose from
+other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell
+all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility
+for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite
+flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more
+than <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his
+face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his
+portly body gently shook with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said J. G. <span class="smcap">Talbot</span>, mournfully regarding him through his
+spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/168b.png">
+<img src="images/168b.png" width="100%" alt="Tearing up the Tithes" /></a>
+<h4>Tearing up the Tithes.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. <span class="smcap">Picton</span> rallied scattered forces of
+Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence;
+trenormous energy.</p>
+
+<p>"Reminds me," said Admiral <span class="smcap">Field</span>, "of his grandfather, General <span class="smcap">Picton</span>,
+who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade
+of Marines there, you know; attached to <span class="smcap">Picton's</span> Division. Never look on
+Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and
+the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Picton</span> reminded <span class="smcap">Hicks-Beach</span> of someone else&mdash;"his great predecessor in
+spoliation, <span class="smcap">Henry the Eighth</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but better looking," said <span class="smcap">Plunket</span>, always ready to put in a kind
+word.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Tithes Bill Debate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of
+depressing the human mind, acted upon <span class="smcap">Cranborne</span> like electric shock.
+Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in
+favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he
+"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the
+piratical <span class="smcap">Picton</span> and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case
+the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to
+seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question?</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes
+against 164.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A (Not) at Home.</span>"&mdash;Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated
+paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a
+certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel
+departure should be useful as a precedent to the <i>cr&ecirc;me de la cr&ecirc;me</i> of
+suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be
+expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence"
+columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:&mdash;"On Thursday last
+Mr. and Mrs. <span class="smcap">Madeira Top-floor Smithies</span> entertained a small and select
+party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace,
+Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the
+Prince of <span class="smcap">Teck</span>, the Duke of <span class="smcap">Westminster</span>, Lady <span class="smcap">Burdett-Coutts</span>, and the
+<span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span>. In the general circle, Lord <span class="smcap">Cross</span>, the Countess of
+<span class="smcap">Clarendon</span>, and the Bishop of <span class="smcap">London</span>, were also conspicuous by their
+absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of <span class="smcap">Cambridge</span> nor Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> were expected to join the company before the close of the
+entertainment."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dinner Scarcely &agrave; la Roose.</span>&mdash;Dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>,&mdash;I am a poor man, but I
+like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and
+yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method.
+I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot
+of <i>p&acirc;t&eacute; de foies gras</i>, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted
+cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find, that I can
+eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not
+make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a
+picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad
+one&mdash;but that is a matter of detail.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours sincerely,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">The Founder of the More-than-Enough Society.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Utopian.</span>&mdash;Neither noise, vibration, nor dust! That's what the <span class="smcap">Bramwells</span>,
+the <span class="smcap">Watkins</span>, and the <span class="smcap">Galtons</span> claim for that partly-developed but
+promising&mdash;much promising&mdash;invention of M. <span class="smcap">Girard's</span>, the <i>Chemin de Fer
+Glissant</i>, or Sliding Railway. <i>What</i> a happy ideal! By all means, "Let
+it slide!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Chance for a New Member.</span>&mdash;"Rookeries," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Lazarus</span> in his
+evidence at Marylebone, "abound in St. Pancras, and it is a scandal to
+civilisation that they should continue to exist." Now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bolton</span>, M.P.,
+can't you have your legal and parliamentary finger in this Rook pie?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%">
+<a href="images/168c.gif">
+<img src="images/168c.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30492 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
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+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #30492 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/30492)
diff --git a/old/30492-8.txt b/old/30492-8.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+April 5, 1890, by Various, Edited by Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, April 5, 1890
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2009  [eBook #30492]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 98, APRIL 5, 1890***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 30492-h.htm or 30492-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h/30492-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 98
+
+APRIL 5, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel
+appearance_;" _i.e._, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman.
+
+"_A powerful-looking fellow_;" _i.e._, An awful ruffian.
+
+"_A rumour has reached us_"--(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses
+wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves).
+
+"_Nothing fresh has transpired_;" _i.e._, The local Reporter's invention
+is at last exhausted.
+
+"_The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which
+he was placed_;" _i.e._, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his
+knuckles.
+
+"_The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour_;" _i.e._, The
+Reporter left early.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music_;" _i.e._, I'm not going
+to throw away my singing on these people.
+
+"_Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know
+you were in Town_;" _i.e._, By which I wish her to understand that I
+hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (_for which I
+had received no invitation_) that appeared in last Thursday's _Morning
+Post_.
+
+"_Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage_;"
+_i.e._, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of
+your way.
+
+FOR SHOW SUNDAY.
+
+"_Shall you have many Pictures in this year?_" _i.e._, He'll jump for
+joy if he gets one in.
+
+"_Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?_"
+_i.e._, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show.
+
+"_By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?_"
+_i.e._, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual!
+
+"_What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle
+Ideal treatment, so different, &c., &c.?_" _i.e._, 'Tisn't like anything
+on earth.
+
+"_Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll
+create a sensation!_" _i.e._, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I
+may as well be in it.
+
+"_Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with
+it?_" _i.e._, I should hope not--for MILLAIS' sake.
+
+"_Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?_" _i.e._,
+His picture is.
+
+"_Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old
+man_;" _i.e._, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow.
+
+"_My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet_;" _i.e._, Dull
+skies and dowdy peasants!
+
+"_Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a
+laugh out of_;" _i.e._, Or at!
+
+AUCTIONEERING.
+
+"_Every Modern Convenience_;" _i.e._, Electric-bells and disconnected
+drain-pipes.
+
+"_Cheap and Commodious Flat_;" _i.e._, Seven small square rooms, with no
+outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion.
+
+"_A Desirable Residence_;" _i.e._, To get out of.
+
+PLATFORMULARS.
+
+"_And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are
+engaged_;" _i.e._, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all
+right.
+
+"_Our great Leader_;" _i.e._, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will
+give me time to think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL ECONOMY.
+
+_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I'M WRITING TO ASK THE BROWNS TO MEET THE JONESES HERE
+AT DINNER, AND TO THE JONESES TO MEET THE BROWNS. WE OWE THEM BOTH, YOU
+KNOW."
+
+_Mr. Scrooge._ "BUT I'VE HEARD THEY'VE JUST QUARRELLED, AND DON'T
+SPEAK!"
+
+_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I KNOW. THEY'LL REFUSE, AND WE NEEDN'T GIVE A DINNER
+PARTY AT ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MY CURATE."
+
+    [The _Law Times_ mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and
+    good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My
+    Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a
+    Solicitor.]
+
+SCENE--_Drowsiham Vicarage._ Vicar _and Family discovered seated at
+breakfast-table. Time--Present._
+
+_The Vicar._ I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's _Church
+Papers_, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the
+post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest
+respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my
+own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed."
+
+_Elder Daughter (giddily)._ Pa! Have any of them sent photos?
+
+_Vicar._ Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose
+_cartes-de-visite_ with testimonials.
+
+_Younger Daughter._ Now I shall be able to fill up my Album!
+
+_Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures)._ This
+is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass,
+and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young!
+
+_Younger Daughter (thoughtfully)._ It's a pity we can't lay in _two_
+Curates while we are about it.
+
+_Vicar._ Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what
+he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as
+candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of
+their photographs.
+
+_Elder Daughter (reading)._ "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views!
+Here's something better--"Very Musical Voice"--the _darling_! He _looks_
+as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen
+minutes in preaching." Delicious!
+
+_Vicar's Wife._ I don't know if the parishioners will like _that_.
+
+_Both Daughters (together)._ But _we_ shall!
+
+_Elder Daughter (continues reading)._ "Quite content to preach only in
+the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What _does_ he
+mean?
+
+_Vicar (cordially)._ I know! I think he'll do very well. _Just_ the sort
+of man I want!
+
+_Elder Daughter._ Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and
+twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet!
+
+_Younger Daughter._ Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him _at once_!
+
+_Elder Daughter (turning pale)._ Stop! What is this? "Very steady and
+respectable. _Has been engaged to be married for past three years!_"
+Call _him_ engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch!
+
+_Younger Daughter._ A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him,
+Pa?
+
+_Vicar (meditatively)._ I might--in the Archbishop's Court. Really this
+new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely
+to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at!
+[_Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER_ has been announced as in preparation at the
+Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss MARY MOORE v. Miss WINIFRED EMERY as
+_Miss Hardcastle_. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not
+run it at both Houses?--and, to decide, call in a jury of "the
+GOLDSMITH'S Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAYFAIR ROW.--GOODE, BAIRD, and very indifferent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.
+
+_A Song of the Situation._ _AIR--"The King and I"._ _Socialist Workman
+sings_:--
+
+_Emperor._ "I'M ONE OF YOU!" _Socialist._ "ALL RIGHT, MATE. THEN--TAKE
+OFF YOUR CROWN!"]
+
+  The Kaiser swears that he can work;
+      So can I! So can I!
+  Strain and long hours he will not shirk.
+      Nor do I, nor do I.
+  But he may work at his sweet will;
+      So they say, so they say.
+  Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill;
+      A long day, a long day!
+  So there's _some_ difference I see
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me.
+
+  He hath his army and his ships;
+      Great are they! Great are they!
+  Their price, which my lean pocket nips,
+      I must pay, I must pay.
+  Yet here he comes to grip my hand;
+      That's his plan, that's his plan;
+  And at my side to take his stand,
+      Working-man, working-man!
+  Strange that such likeness there should be
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me!
+
+  BISMARCK, it seems, he does not trust;
+      Nor do I, nor do I.
+  He thinks the toiler's claims are just;
+      So do I, so do I.
+  He's called a Conference of Kings,
+       Novel scheme, novel scheme!
+  To talk of Socialistic things--
+      Pleasant dream, pleasant dream!
+  What difference, now, would KARL MARX see
+  Betwixt my Emperor and me?
+
+  The "International" they banned.
+      _That_ was vile, _that_ was vile.
+  But now a similar thing _they've_ planned,
+      Makes me smile, makes me smile.
+  Labour world-over they'll discuss,
+      Far and near, far and near.
+  Will it all end in futile fuss?
+      That's my fear, that's my fear.
+  A difference of view I see
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me.
+
+  But here he comes to grip my fist,
+      Fair and free, fair and free.
+  Thinks he the chance I can't resist?
+      We shall see, we shall see.
+  I wear the Cap and he the Crown--
+      Awkward gear, awkward gear!
+  Is he content to put it down?
+      No, I fear; no, I fear.
+  If Workman I as Workman he,
+  Perhaps he'll just change hats with me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH GALLERY.--Oddly enough the French Gallery contains but a
+small proportion of French pictures. Possibly Mr. WALLIS thinks it is
+not high-bred to appear too long in a French _r�le_--perhaps he fancies
+the public would get crusty or the critics might have him "on toast."
+Anyhow, he has taken French leave to do as he pleases, and the result is
+very satisfactory. He does not lose our Frenchship by the change. There
+are three remarkable pictures by Prof. FRITZ VON UHDE, and two by Prof.
+MAX LIEBERMANN, which ought to make a sensation, and there is an
+excellent MUNKACSY, besides a varied collection of foreign pictures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. HENRY BLACKBURN, author of that annually useful work, _Academy
+Notes_, is announced to give lectures at Kensington Town Hall, April 13.
+One of his subjects, "Sketching in Sunshine," will be very interesting
+to a Londoner. First catch your sunshine: then sketch. Mr. BLACKBURN
+will be illuminated by oxy-hydrogen; he will thus appear as Mr.
+White-burn; so altogether a light entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE "ZOO."
+
+_Arabella._ "OH, AUG----MR. BROWN, LET'S GO TO THE APEIARY. I THINK THE
+MONKEYS ARE SUCH FUN!" [_He did not Propose that afternoon!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY TO THE TEMPLE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,    _Willesden Junction._
+
+Having been assured by a Phrenologist that my bump of locality is very
+highly developed, I attempted the other day--although a perfect stranger
+to London--to walk from Charing Cross to the Temple without inquiring
+the route. I had absolutely no assistance but a small map of Surbiton
+and the neighbourhood, from which I had calculated the general lie of
+the country, and a plain, ordinary compass, which I had bought cheap
+because it had lost its pointer. I am not sure that the route I took was
+the most direct. But when, after several hours' walk, I found myself at
+Willesden Junction, I was assured by a boy in the district, whom I
+asked, that I could not possibly have gone straighter. He advised me to
+take a ticket at once for Chalk Farm, as I still had some way to go, and
+said that he thought I might have to change at Battersea. He was a nice,
+bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily.
+
+I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not
+yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they
+have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have
+camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a
+train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated,
+and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I
+would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright
+little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two
+other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much
+amused--probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, _Mr.
+Punch_, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very
+well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but
+these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to
+less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country.
+
+But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important.
+There ought to be a great many more doors _into_ the refreshment-room,
+and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm
+by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it
+should certainly be made--by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic
+pressure--to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted
+to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must
+be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to
+take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, _Mr. Punch_,
+
+Your humble and obedient Servant,       PHRENITIC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. (_New "Physical Examination" Style._)
+
+OXFORD, _April 1, 1890_.
+
+THE Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of
+Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical
+exhibition of several physical _tours de force_ on the spare ground at
+the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning.
+Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the
+Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of
+Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or
+before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize
+Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to be
+practically and personally illustrated by several feats of the
+successful candidate himself, will be "_Leap Year_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT AND AYRY.
+
+  Rejected! in bad grammar I declare
+  I can't forget this year, nor yet that Ayr!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECORDING ANGEL IN THE HOUSE, OR THE GAL IN THE GALLERY.--"_Que
+diable allait-elle faire dans cette 'galerie.'_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. VII.--THE PATRON OF SPORT.
+
+IN order to qualify properly for the patronage of sport, a man must
+finally abandon any vestiges of refinement which may remain to him after
+a youth spent mainly in the use of strong language, and the abuse of
+strong drink. The future patron, who has enjoyed for some years the
+advantages of a neglected training in the privacy of the domestic
+circle, will have been sent to a public school. Like a vicious book, he
+will soon have been "called in," though not until he has been cut by
+those who may have been brought in contact with him. Having thus left
+his school for his school's good, he will find no difficulty in
+persuading his parents that the high spirits of an ingenuous youth,
+however distasteful they may have been to the ridiculous prejudices of a
+pedantic Head Master, are certain to be properly appreciated by the
+officers of a crack Regiment. He will, therefore, decide to enter the
+Army, and after pursuing his arduous studies for some time at the
+various Music Halls and drinking saloons of the Metropolis, he will
+administer a public reproof to the Civil Service Commissioners, by
+declining on two separate occasions to pass the examination for
+admission into Sandhurst.
+
+He will then inform his father that he is heavily in debt, and, having
+borrowed money from his tailor, he will disappear from the parental ken,
+to turn up again, after a week, without his watch, his scarf-pin, or his
+studs. This freak will be accepted by his relatives as a convincing
+proof of his fitness for a financial career, and he will shortly be
+transferred to the City as Clerk to a firm of Stockbrokers. Here his
+versatile talents will have full scope. He will manage to reconcile a
+somewhat lax attention to the details of business with a strict
+regularity in his attendance at suburban race-meetings. Nothing will be
+allowed to stand in his way when he pursues the shadow of pleasure
+through the most devious windings into the lowest haunts. For him the
+resources of dissipation are never exhausted. Pot-houses provide him
+with cocktails, restaurants furnish him with elaborate dinners, tailors
+array him in fine clothes, hosiers collar him up to the chin, and cover
+his breast with immaculate fronts. The master-pieces of West-End
+jewellers, hatters, and boot-makers, sparkle on various portions of his
+person; he finds in a lady step-dancer a goddess, and in _Ruff's Guide_
+a Bible; he sups, he swears, he drinks, and he gambles, and, finally, he
+attains to the summit of earthly felicity by finding himself mentioned
+under a nickname in the paragraphs of a sporting organ.
+
+Having about the same time engaged in a midnight brawl with an
+undersized and middle-aged cabman, he appears the next morning in a
+Police Court, and, after being fined forty shillings, is hailed as a
+hero by his companions, and recognised as a genuine Patron of Sport by
+the world at large. Henceforward his position is assured. He becomes the
+boon companion of Music-hall Chairmen, and lives on terms of intimate
+vulgarity with Money-lenders, who find that it pays to take a low
+interest in the pleasures, in order the more easily to obtain a high
+interest on the borrowings, of reckless young men.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In company with these associates, and with others of more or less
+repute, the Patron of Sport sets the seal to his patronage by becoming a
+member of a so-called Sporting Club, at which professional pugilists
+batter one another in order to provide excitement for a mixed assemblage
+of coarse and brainless rowdies and the feeble toadies who dance
+attendance upon them. Here the Patron is at his best and noblest. Though
+he has never worn a glove in anger, nor indeed taken the smallest part
+in any genuine athletic exercise, he is as free with his opinions as he
+is unsparing of the adjectives wherewith he adorns them. He talks
+learnedly of "upper-cuts" and "cross-counters," and grows humorous over
+"mouse-traps," "pile-drivers on the mark," and "the flow of the ruby."
+Having absorbed four whiskeys-and-soda, he will observe that
+"if a fellow refuses to train properly, he must expect to be
+receiver-general," and, after lighting his tenth cigar as a tribute,
+presumably, to the lung power of the combatants, will indulge in some
+moody reflections on the decay of British valour and the general
+degeneracy of Englishmen. He will then drink liqueur brandy out of a
+claret glass, and, having slapped a sporting solicitor on the back and
+dug in the ribs a gentleman jockey who has been warned off the course,
+he will tread on the toes of an inoffensive stranger who has allowed
+himself to be elected a member of the Club under the mistaken impression
+that it was the home of sportsmen and the sanctuary of honest boxers.
+After duly characterising the stranger's eyes and his awkwardness, the
+Patron will resume his seat near the ropes, and will stare vacuously at
+the brilliant gathering of touts, loafers, parasites, usurers,
+book-makers, broken-down racing men, seedy soldiers, and over-fed City
+men who are assembled round the room. Inspired by their society with the
+conviction that he is assisting in an important capacity in the revival
+of a manly sport, he will adjust his hat on the back of his head, rap
+with his gold-headed cane upon the floor, and call "Time!"--a humorous
+sally which is always much appreciated, especially when the ring is
+empty. After witnessing the first three rounds of the next competition,
+he will rise to depart, and observing a looking-glass, will excite the
+laughter of his friends and the admiration of the waiters by sparring
+one round with his own reflection, finally falling into the arms of a
+companion, whom he adjures not to mind him, but to sponge up the other
+fellow.
+
+After this exploit a supper-club receives him, and he is made much of by
+those of both sexes who are content to thrive temporarily on the money
+of a friend. He will then drive a hansom through the streets, and,
+having knocked over a hot potato-stall, he will compensate the
+proprietor with a round of oaths and a five-pound note.
+
+In appearance the Patron of Sport is unwholesome. The bloom of youth
+vanished from his face before he ceased to be a boy; he assumes the worn
+and sallow mask of age before he has fairly begun to be a man. His hair
+is thin, and is carefully flattened by the aid of unguents, his dress is
+flashy, his moustache thick. In order the more closely to imitate a true
+sportsman, he wears a baggy overcoat, with large buttons. Yet he abhors
+all kinds of honest exercise, and, in the days of his prosperity, keeps
+a small brougham with yellow wheels. Soon after he reaches the age of
+thirty, he begins to feel the effects of his variegated life. He fails
+in landing a big _coup_ on the Stock Exchange, and loses much money over
+a Newmarket meeting, in which he plunges on a succession of rank
+outsiders, whom a set of rascals, more cunning than himself, have
+represented to him as certainties. His position on the Stock Exchange
+becomes shaky, and he attempts to restore it by embarking with a gang of
+needy rogues on a first-class "roping" transaction, in connection with a
+prize-fight in Spain. Having, however, been exposed, he is shunned by
+most of those who only heard of the swindle when it was too late to join
+in it.
+
+This is the beginning of the end. He becomes careless of his appearance;
+with the decrease of his means his coats become shiny, and his cuffs
+more and more frayed. Eventually he falls into a state of sodden
+imbecility, relieved by occasional flashes of delirium tremens, and dies
+at the age of thirty-six, regretted by nobody except the faithful
+bull-dog, whose silver collar was the last thing he pawned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Opera (in Preparation).
+
+_Librettist._ Now here's a grand effect. They all say, "We swear!" Then
+there's a magnificent "Oath Chorus!" How do you propose to treat that?
+
+_Composer._ Oath Chorus? In D Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAGE FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.--So far so good. Got rid of the Grand
+Old Chancellor and the rest of _that_ crew--without much of a row! Been
+civil to my English Uncle, the Pope and the Democrats. Can't be idle, so
+what shall I do next? Why not take a trip to America where I might stand
+for President? If I propose extending trip to Salt Lake, would have to
+go _en gar�on_. Or I might see if I could not get a little further than
+STANLEY in Africa. When I returned might write a book to be called, _The
+Extra Deep-Edged Black Continent_. Or why not turn painter? With a
+little practice would soon cut out all the Old Masters, native and
+foreign. And if I gave my mind to poetry, why GOETHE and HEINE would be
+simply nowhere! How about horse-racing? A Berlin Derby Day would make my
+English cousins "sit up." And sermons, there's something to be done in
+sermons! I believe I could compose as good a discourse as any of my
+Court chaplains. And then, possibly, I might be qualified to do that
+which would satisfy the sharpest craving of my loftiest ambition--_I
+might write for Punch!_
+
+    [So he shall. He shall "write for _Punch_," enclosing stamps, and
+    the Number shall be sent to him by return.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLAY-TIME.
+
+SINCE the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't
+see the _premi�re_, Mr. SUGDEN must have immensely improved his
+_Touchstone_. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I
+saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly
+discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital
+_Audrey_, Miss MARION LEA, and with _William_, were uncommonly good. I
+confess I was surprised. Mr. BOURCHIER--but now an amateur, now
+thus--gives _Jaques'_ immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a
+thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the
+absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical
+recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. LANGTRY'S
+_Rosalind_ is charming, her scenes with _Orlando_ being as pretty a
+piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a
+pretty Lamb is she they call BEATRICE who plays _Phoebe_! What a
+sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To
+witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as
+if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a
+while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the
+forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom,
+under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful.
+
+I was curious to see how ALEXANDER "the (Getting) Great" would comport
+himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto
+been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public
+and his admirers--the terms are synonymous--may breathe again. ALEXANDER
+is surprisingly good as _Dr. Bill_, and the serious earnestness with
+which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications.
+And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be
+none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer,
+author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. HAMILTON
+A�D�!! "Sir," in future will HAMILTON A�D� say, when being interviewed
+by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled----"
+"Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like
+'_Dr. Bill_,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his
+tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give
+him in the other. I back the _argumentum ad pocketum_ against the Tragic
+Muse.
+
+[Illustration: The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance.]
+
+How capitally it is played! Miss BROUGH excellent; and so also is Mr.
+CHEVALIER, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is
+not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming
+housemaid is pretty Miss MARIE LINDEN; and the idiotic youth, _George
+Webster_, played by Mr. BENJAMIN WEBSTER,--two Websters rolled into
+one,--is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I
+congratulate ALEXANDER the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons,
+I should like to be, were I not
+
+DIOGENES OUT OF THE TUB.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic.
+
+  'Tis the voice of the Critic
+    I hear him complain,
+  "One more afternoon!
+    Fools! they're at it again!
+
+  These dull _Matin�es_!
+    Wretched plays I must see!
+  But, alas, 'tis no play,
+    And there's no peace for me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street.
+
+THE excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the _Daily News_ the
+other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with
+respect to the Emperor of AUSTRIA. It runs thus:--
+
+    "When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood
+    of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, _the passionate huntsman_
+    said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this
+    week.'"
+
+Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first
+time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26.
+
+  HIMANTOPHYLLUMS and Cyclamens were there to be seen,
+  And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+HIGH LIFE, COMMERCIAL, TRADING, AND OTHER.
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--As supplied direct from the ancestral
+estates of His Grace the Duke of WAGOVER.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--This fashionable coal, throwing down
+a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now
+confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of
+WAGOVER, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has
+now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to
+relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the
+purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal
+supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on
+his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders
+or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover
+Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--N.B. Customers are respectfully
+invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are
+properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the
+coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a
+ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His
+Grace's own eye.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.--These delicious breakfast-table delicacies
+(now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any
+pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble
+Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants,
+secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his
+own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of
+the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so
+increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a
+shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been
+busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from
+morning till night. An analyst, writing to the _Stethoscope_, says, "_I
+have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit.
+I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere_."
+
+       * * *
+
+THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above
+appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an
+Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies,
+whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling,
+at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred _parvenue_ who can afford to
+pay for it, the _entr�e_ to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable
+circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family
+connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an
+introduction.
+
+       * * *
+
+HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION
+SYNDICATE beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious
+aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social
+privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the
+following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced
+according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social
+market, are now offered for their consideration:--
+
+                                                              � _s._ _d._
+Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood
+of Belgrave Square (without introduction to Host or Hostess) 21   0   0
+
+Ditto, ditto, (with introduction)                            31  10   0
+
+Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington                1  11   6
+
+Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor,
+Royal Academician, Distinguished Literary Man, or other
+celebrity                                                    10  10   0
+
+Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of
+eight                                                        26   5   0
+
+Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements
+of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means,
+may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons,
+into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress.
+
+       * * *
+
+DINING WITH A DUCHESS.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE beg
+to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily
+securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the
+present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses
+incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one
+hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal
+introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three
+minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the
+evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of
+fifty guineas extra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GIFT HORSE."
+
+  Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine,
+    But how if the crayture is not worth its kape?
+  Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine.
+    Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape.
+  What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour?
+  We moight do that same did we not know the donor!
+
+  Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould,
+    A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch;
+  But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could,
+    And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch.
+  Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick,
+  For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick!
+
+  It looks all very well in the front, to be shure,
+    Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears,
+  But your sate in the saddle had need be secure
+    If it lash out behoind, as it _could_, oive me fears.
+  By the sowl of St. PAT. oi'd as soon risk a spill
+  From those blayguard buck-jumpers of BUFFALO BILL!
+
+  Gift horse? Oh, by jabers _that's_ not what we're afther,
+    We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance.
+  BALFOUR, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter.
+    Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance.
+  Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag,
+  Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag?
+
+  All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence;
+    But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff!
+  Ye'd loike us to take it,--and take no offence.
+    And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh.
+  It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South;
+  So, PARNELL, my boy, _take a squint at its mouth!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASTER AND FASTER.--In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats
+the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against
+those of Succi, give her a handsome _dot_, she will be known as _La
+Je�nesse Dor�e_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUNRAVEN. (_Verses from the Very Latest Version._)
+
+  Once on a Commission dreary sat DUNRAVEN, worn and weary.
+    Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor,
+  Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing,
+    Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score.
+  "Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar,
+                    Gently purr, and nothing more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "Be those words our sign of parting!" cried DUNRAVEN, swift upstarting;
+    "Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er,
+  We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken.
+    Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er!
+  Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?"
+                     Quoth DUNRAVEN, "Nevermore!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT!
+
+I ONLY hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last
+Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most
+suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark
+morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent
+it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun
+to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle
+Book by post.
+
+It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford
+got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course
+Hoxford wun as I proffysized.
+
+I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the
+LORD MARE at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their
+bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel
+for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of
+the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a
+disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that
+strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying
+suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to
+be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I
+bleeves means about 6 years. ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GIFT HORSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TIT FOR TAT.
+
+_Captain Pullem (having just effected a "Swop" with his Friend)._ "NOW,
+I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU, OLD MAN. THAT HORSE YOU'VE GOT FROM ME IS A
+BIT OF A CRIB-BITER!"
+
+_Friend._ "_Oh, don't mention it, Old Chap. You'll find mine to be a
+confirmed Runaway_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
+
+(_A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable
+Composer._)
+
+EXAMPLE II.--SHOWING HOW CURIOUSLY RETENTIVE IS THE LOVER'S MEMORY.
+
+  'Tis ninety years ago, love!
+    It seems but yestermorn
+  We sat upon the snow, love,
+    And watch'd the golden corn!
+  I mind the bitter wind, love--
+    I mind it well, although
+  The wind I say I mind, love,
+    Blew ninety years ago!
+
+  The plough stood on the hill, love--
+    The horse stood in the plough!
+  And both were standing still, love--
+    I seem to see them now!
+  The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love--
+    A stranger _he_ to _whoa_!
+  And so was I--but then, love,
+    'Twas ninety years ago!
+
+  The roses by the way, love,
+    Were large and, oh, so fair!
+  And so they are to-day, love,
+    For all I know--or care!
+  And softly unto thou, love,
+    While yet among the snow,
+  I breathed that fatal vow, love,
+    Of ninety years ago!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "FISHING INTERROGATORY."--"What's this new French book on angling?"
+asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and
+literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called _The Bait Humane_. I
+do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a
+hook, which is so cruel."--[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has
+heard some mention of _La B�te Humaine_.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+ADVICE to those who are about to give Easter presents--send to
+MACMILLAN'S for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as
+paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. TENNIEL'S" illustrations,
+coloured by Miss GERTRUDE THOMSON, under his direction.
+
+The _Universal Review_ is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr.
+W. L. COURTNEY, entitled, _Kit Marlowe's Death_. Mr. BOURCHIER of the
+St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his
+theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,--such, for instance,
+as "_They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows_," and "_The
+others laugh at_ NASH'S _expense_,"--are well worth all the money that
+the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In
+the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "_Count Tolstoy at
+Home_," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature,
+but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the
+_Kreutzer Sonata_ is interesting; and interesting also is the paper
+entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of
+GLOUCESTER,--henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean."
+
+Mr. ANDREW LANG in _Longman's_--or rather _Lang-man's--Magazine_, is
+still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"--[The Baron moves "that the
+words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]--and as he has recently
+been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his
+readers to learn that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order
+to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are
+undeterred by the eye of Detective RUNCIMAN. I wish success to Merry
+Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same _Lang-man's Mag._,
+Mr. VAL PRINSEP, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the
+paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame,
+continues his novel _Virginie_. In the present chapter he incidentally
+gives a description of the service of Mass in the good _Abb� Leroux's_
+parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No
+wonder "the _Abb� Leroux_ was scandalised," when the service had been
+turned topsy-turvy, the _credo_ put before the _gloria_, and a young
+person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a
+solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved
+Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile PRINSEP'S novel!
+
+In _Plain Tales from the Hills_, by Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, the jaded
+palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour.
+In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian BRET HARTE, and there is
+perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will
+be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite
+surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and
+native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already
+won a reputation for the author. Few can read _Beyond the Pale_, _The
+Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly_, _The Story of Muhammed Din_, _The Germ
+Destroyer_, and _The Madness of Private Ortheris_, for example, without
+admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and
+impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic
+conciseness.
+
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.
+
+(_The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan._)
+
+  In the intervals of Sport
+    M.P.'s vamp the country's work,
+  Therefore cut the Sessions short,
+    Supplementary Sessions shirk.
+  _Must_ have time to pot the grouse,
+    _Must_ have time to hook the salmon,
+  Spoil our Sport to help the House?
+                Gammon!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a
+highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play."
+It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the
+Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many
+applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir R-CH-RD
+W-BST-R and Sir W-LL-M H-RC-RT, to L-RD D-NR-V-N, and (last and least)
+Sir W. M-RR-TT, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims.
+Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the
+lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the
+Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry
+spite, will, on applying personally to _Mr. Punch_, be HANDSOMELY
+REWARDED!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE.
+
+[Pipe-Major MCKELLAR has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic
+story of "JESSIE BROWN of Lucknow."]
+
+  Our faith to the winds you would chuck now,
+  Concerning that Legend of Lucknow.
+        That sweet Scottish girl
+        Never heard the pipes "skirl?"
+  Come! This is mere sceptical muck now!
+
+  The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager
+  Will survive many stories much sager.
+        Our faith in the tale
+        Is confirmed, and won't fail
+  At the word of a single Pipe-Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TIME WORKS WONDERS.
+
+(_Mr. Punch's Suggestions, � propos of the recent Discussions about Mr.
+Gladstone's Head._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NOTES.
+
+I HAVE just received FLORIAN PASCAL'S Music composed for _Tra la la
+Tosca_, published by JOSEPH WILLIAMS of Berners Street. Justice was not
+done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two _mor�eaux_ in
+it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "_Her Eye_,"
+which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a
+contralto song, just as SULLIVAN'S charming "_Hush a bye Bacon_," in
+_Cox and Box_, became "_Birds of the Night_." Then the Gavotte in this
+book is as graceful and catching as the _Gavotte de Louis Treize_, and
+would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere.
+
+KLEIN'S _Musical Notes of the Year_, a useful and trustworthy historical
+record, was sent to me, and not "de-KLEIN'd with thanks." I have just
+heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't
+know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement;
+but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, who is now
+wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led
+on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka
+or waltz which bears the name of "_Zingit_," and which might bear on the
+wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it."
+
+(_Signed_) OTTO PICCOLO (DU CONSERVATOIRE).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HUBERT VOS requests the honour of our company at his studio near
+Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "_Sic_ Vos _non
+vobis_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "SCRATCH COMPANY."--A Cat Show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH--AND HOW HE
+RETALIATES.
+
+_She._ "OH, HE MAY BE A _GENIUS_. BUT I CONFESS I DON'T _CARE_ FOR THE
+SOCIETY OF GENIUSES!"
+
+_He._ "HOW VERY PERSONAL OF YOU! IT'S AS IF _I_ WERE TO CONFESS I DIDN'T
+CARE FOR THE SOCIETY OF HANDSOME WOMEN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE.
+
+THE application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle
+Street, made by the JEUNE PREMIER, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. KER
+GRAY, was opposed by Canon CAPEL CURE, of St. George's, Hanover Square,
+the Hymeneal Temple _par excellence_ of the Metropolis. Dr. TRISTRAM,
+with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider
+his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will
+the Minister with the sad-dog name of "KER GRAY" become the Canon's
+_b�te noire_. If the decision be t'other way, then KER GRAY may twit the
+Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old
+lines of
+
+  "A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure,
+  Oh isn't he a Cure!"
+
+While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "_Old Dog Tray_."
+
+    "The chapel's far too near,
+    But p'raps another year
+  May put a stop to old KER GRAY."
+
+In the meantime, the affair being _sub (Punch-and-) judice_, we refrain
+from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SENTENCE RE-VERSED.
+
+  'Gin a body meet a body
+    On the Queen's highway,
+  And a body kiss a body,
+    Won't a body pay?
+  Mony a lassie has a temper.
+    Mony a beak is stern;
+  At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob,
+    The lesson's hard to learn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH A MATTER OF COURSE.--Cruelty to Hares.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 24._--Prince ARTHUR explained in speech
+nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In
+course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is
+furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the
+Treasury Bench, behind Prince ARTHUR, sat, on either hand, OLD MORALITY
+and JOKIM. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences
+might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some
+period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both
+pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which
+ARTHUR shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a
+coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, OLD
+MORALITY tugged at the right-hand one, and when JOKIM had a happy
+thought he hauled away on the left.
+
+As both their minds were seething with ideas, ARTHUR had a lively time
+of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was
+assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had
+been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that
+seventeen years was about the average value under Lord ASHBOURNE'S Act,
+there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in
+that direction; OLD MORALITY whispered in his ear.
+
+"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the
+instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is �1,200,000 a
+year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is
+utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How
+would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently
+agitated, and ARTHUR leaning over, JOKIM half-rising, eagerly explained
+something.)
+
+"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just
+about to show, that there would be first the �200,000 reserve fund;
+secondly, there would be the �200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly,
+�40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and �75,000 of the quarter
+per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that �1,118,000
+of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the �5,000,000, which was
+the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent
+portion of the guarantee fund, you would have �1,633,000 to meet the
+call of �1,200,000."
+
+This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of
+putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that _he_
+would have �1,633,000 to meet a call of �1,200,000, was designed to have
+soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that
+direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.
+
+"JOKIM," said HARCOURT, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We
+know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that BALFOUR shall
+bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and
+dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited
+manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle,
+that JOKIM is the father."
+
+_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill brought in.
+
+_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone
+knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it
+should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell
+Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass
+Vote of Thanks. LAWSON wants to know whether OLD MORALITY has conveyed
+the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply?
+Question put without notice. Rather startles OLD MORALITY. Fact is,
+never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of
+passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in
+and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk,
+by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these
+questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of
+Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might
+probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared
+every morning. OLD MORALITY moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of
+despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not
+to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no
+escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic
+manner, and speaking in solemn tones, OLD MORALITY said, "Mr. SPEAKER,
+Sir, it is no part of my duty to the QUEEN and country to convey to
+anybody a Resolution of this House."
+
+[Illustration: "Where's the Vote of Thanks?"]
+
+LAWSON up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked SPEAKER whether _he_
+had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; SPEAKER had had no
+instructions on the matter.
+
+Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not
+the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various
+people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder
+Brother DAY, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his
+heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges
+on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the
+distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with
+copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and
+behold! they have never had it at all!
+
+House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh,
+ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned
+with affectation of keen interest to question raised by MUNDELLA of
+iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of
+York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing
+eloquence of HART DYKE, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before
+Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of
+thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of
+neglect; HANNEN taking on a sterner aspect; SMITH affecting a perky
+indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother DAY ever stealing
+the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from
+scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine.
+
+_Thursday._--"Talk about DIZZY," said HARCOURT, perhaps not without some
+tinge of envy, "if OLD MORALITY goes on in this style, DIZZY won't be in
+it for persiflage."
+
+House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear HARCOURT'S whisper. JOHN
+MORLEY began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5
+Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been
+seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted
+Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. COURTNEY put
+Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition
+was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill
+knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to
+every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and
+say, "Aye," when COURTNEY asked him should he knock off another fifty
+Clauses?
+
+When it was over, JOHN MORLEY rose, and gravely expressed hope that OLD
+MORALITY would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition
+persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by
+leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for OLD MORALITY, prone
+to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in
+performing duty to QUEEN and country by obstruction of Members opposite.
+
+"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "JOHN'S got him there. A hit, a
+palpable hit!"
+
+But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of OLD MORALITY. Rose from
+other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell
+all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility
+for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite
+flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more
+than OLD MORALITY. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his
+face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his
+portly body gently shook with laughter.
+
+"Ah!" said J. G. TALBOT, mournfully regarding him through his
+spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke.
+
+Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. PICTON rallied scattered forces of
+Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence;
+trenormous energy.
+
+"Reminds me," said Admiral FIELD, "of his grandfather, General PICTON,
+who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade
+of Marines there, you know; attached to PICTON'S Division. Never look on
+Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and
+the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear.
+
+PICTON reminded HICKS-BEACH of someone else--"his great predecessor in
+spoliation, HENRY THE EIGHTH."
+
+"Yes, but better looking," said PLUNKET, always ready to put in a kind
+word.
+
+_Business done._--Tithes Bill Debate.
+
+[Illustration: Tearing up the Tithes.]
+
+_Friday Night._--Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of
+depressing the human mind, acted upon CRANBORNE like electric shock.
+Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in
+favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he
+"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the
+piratical PICTON and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case
+the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to
+seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question?
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes
+against 164.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A (NOT) AT HOME."--Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated
+paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a
+certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel
+departure should be useful as a precedent to the _cr�me de la cr�me_ of
+suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be
+expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence"
+columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:--"On Thursday last
+Mr. and Mrs. MADEIRA TOP-FLOOR SMITHIES entertained a small and select
+party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace,
+Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the
+Prince of TECK, the Duke of WESTMINSTER, Lady BURDETT-COUTTS, and the
+LORD CHANCELLOR. In the general circle, Lord CROSS, the Countess of
+CLARENDON, and the Bishop of LONDON, were also conspicuous by their
+absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of CAMBRIDGE nor Mr.
+GLADSTONE were expected to join the company before the close of the
+entertainment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER SCARCELY � LA ROOSE.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am a poor man, but I
+like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and
+yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method.
+I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot
+of _p�t� de foies gras_, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted
+cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find that I can
+eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not
+make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a
+picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad
+one--but that is a matter of detail.
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+  THE FOUNDER OF THE MORE-THAN-ENOUGH SOCIETY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UTOPIAN.--Neither noise, vibration, nor dust! That's what the BRAMWELLS,
+the WATKINS, and the GALTONS claim for that partly-developed but
+promising--much promising--invention of M. GIRARD'S, the _Chemin de Fer
+Glissant_, or Sliding Railway. _What_ a happy ideal! By all means, "Let
+it slide!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHANCE FOR A NEW MEMBER.--"Rookeries," said Mr. HENRY LAZARUS in his
+evidence at Marylebone, "abound in St. Pancras, and it is a scandal to
+civilisation that they should continue to exist." Now, Mr. BOLTON, M.P.,
+can't you have your legal and parliamentary finger in this Rook pie?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+98, APRIL 5, 1890***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 30492-8.txt or 30492-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, April 5, 1890, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+April 5, 1890, by Various, Edited by Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, April 5, 1890</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand</p>
+<p>Release Date: November 17, 2009  [eBook #30492]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 98, APRIL 5, 1890***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>APRIL 5, 1890.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Journalistic.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel
+appearance</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A powerful-looking fellow</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, An awful ruffian.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A rumour has reached us</i>"&mdash;(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses
+wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves).</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Nothing fresh has transpired</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, The local Reporter's invention
+is at last exhausted.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which
+he was placed</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his
+knuckles.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, The
+Reporter left early.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Social.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, I'm not going
+to throw away my singing on these people.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know
+you were in Town</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, By which I wish her to understand that I
+hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (<i>for which I
+had received no invitation</i>) that appeared in last Thursday's <i>Morning
+Post</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage</i>;"
+<i>i.e.</i>, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of
+your way.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">For Show Sunday.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Shall you have many Pictures in this year?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, He'll jump for
+joy if he gets one in.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?</i>"
+<i>i.e.</i>, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?</i>"
+<i>i.e.</i>, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle
+Ideal treatment, so different, &amp;c., &amp;c.?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, 'Tisn't like anything
+on earth.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll
+create a sensation!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I
+may as well be in it.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with
+it?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, I should hope not&mdash;for <span class="smcap">Millais'</span> sake.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>,
+His picture is.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old
+man</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Dull
+skies and dowdy peasants!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a
+laugh out of</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Or at!</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Auctioneering.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Every Modern Convenience</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Electric-bells and disconnected
+drain-pipes.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Cheap and Commodious Flat</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Seven small square rooms, with no
+outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A Desirable Residence</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, To get out of.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Platformulars.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are
+engaged</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all
+right.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Our great Leader</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will
+give me time to think."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%">
+<a href="images/157.png">
+<img src="images/157.png" width="100%" alt="SOCIAL ECONOMY" /></a>
+<h4>SOCIAL ECONOMY.</h4>
+<p><i>Mrs. Scrooge.</i> "<span class="smcap">I'm writing to ask the Browns to meet the Joneses here
+at Dinner, and to the Joneses to meet the Browns. We owe them both, you
+know</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Scrooge.</i> "<span class="smcap">But I've heard they've just Quarrelled, and don't
+speak</span>!"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Scrooge.</i> "<span class="smcap">I know. They'll refuse, and we needn't give a Dinner
+Party at all!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"MY CURATE."</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[The <i>Law Times</i> mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and
+good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My
+Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a
+Solicitor.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Drowsiham Vicarage.</i> Vicar <i>and Family discovered seated at
+breakfast-table. Time&mdash;Present.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>The Vicar.</i> I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's <i>Church
+Papers</i>, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the
+post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest
+respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my
+own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed."</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (giddily).</i> Pa! Have any of them sent photos?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar.</i> Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose
+<i>cartes-de-visite</i> with testimonials.</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter.</i> Now I shall be able to fill up my Album!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures).</i> This
+is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass,
+and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young!</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter (thoughtfully).</i> It's a pity we can't lay in <i>two</i>
+Curates while we are about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar.</i> Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what
+he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as
+candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of
+their photographs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (reading).</i> "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views!
+Here's something better&mdash;"Very Musical Voice"&mdash;the <i>darling</i>! He <i>looks</i>
+as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen
+minutes in preaching." Delicious!</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar's Wife.</i> I don't know if the parishioners will like <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Both Daughters (together).</i> But <i>we</i> shall!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (continues reading).</i> "Quite content to preach only in
+the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What <i>does</i> he
+mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar (cordially).</i> I know! I think he'll do very well. <i>Just</i> the sort
+of man I want!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter.</i> Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and
+twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet!</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter.</i> Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him <i>at once</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Elder Daughter (turning pale).</i> Stop! What is this? "Very steady and
+respectable. <i>Has been engaged to be married for past three years!</i>"
+Call <i>him</i> engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch!</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger Daughter.</i> A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him,
+Pa?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar (meditatively).</i> I might&mdash;in the Archbishop's Court. Really this
+new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely
+to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at!</p>
+<p class="author">[<i>Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i><span class="smcap">She Stoops to Conquer</span></i> has been announced as in preparation at the
+Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss <span class="smcap">Mary Moore</span> v. Miss <span class="smcap">Winifred Emery</span> as
+<i>Miss Hardcastle</i>. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not
+run it at both Houses?&mdash;and, to decide, call in a jury of "the
+<span class="smcap">Goldsmith's</span> Company."</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Mayfair Row.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Goode</span>, <span class="smcap">Baird</span>, and very indifferent.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>
+
+<h4>THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.</h4>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="introduction">
+<tr><td><i>A Song of the Situation.</i></td><td><i><span class="smcap">Air</span>&mdash;"The King and I".</i></td><td><i>Socialist Workman sings</i>:&mdash;</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/158.png">
+<img src="images/158.png" width="100%" alt="THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="introduction">
+<tr><td><i>Emperor.</i> "<span class="smcap">I'm one of you</span>!"</td><td><i>Socialist.</i> "<span class="smcap">All right, Mate. Then&mdash;take off your Crown!</span>"</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Kaiser swears that he can work;</p>
+<p class="i4">So can I! So can I!</p>
+<p class="i0">Strain and long hours he will not shirk.</p>
+<p class="i4">Nor do I, nor do I.</p>
+<p class="i0">But he may work at his sweet will;</p>
+<p class="i4">So they say, so they say.</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill;</p>
+<p class="i4">A long day, a long day!</p>
+<p class="i0">So there's <i>some</i> difference I see</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt the Emperor and me.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">He hath his army and his ships;</p>
+<p class="i4">Great are they! Great are they!</p>
+<p class="i0">Their price, which my lean pocket nips,</p>
+<p class="i4">I must pay, I must pay.</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet here he comes to grip my hand;</p>
+<p class="i4">That's his plan, that's his plan;</p>
+<p class="i0">And at my side to take his stand,</p>
+<p class="i4">Working-man, working-man!</p>
+<p class="i0">Strange that such likeness there should be</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt the Emperor and me!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Bismarck</span>, it seems, he does not trust;</p>
+<p class="i4">Nor do I, nor do I.</p>
+<p class="i0">He thinks the toiler's claims are just;</p>
+<p class="i4">So do I, so do I.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+<p class="i0">He's called a Conference of Kings,</p>
+<p class="i6">Novel scheme, novel scheme!</p>
+<p class="i0">To talk of Socialistic things&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Pleasant dream, pleasant dream!</p>
+<p class="i0">What difference, now, would <span class="smcap">Karl Marx</span> see</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt my Emperor and me?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The "International" they banned.</p>
+<p class="i6"><i>That</i> was vile, <i>that</i> was vile.</p>
+<p class="i0">But now a similar thing <i>they've</i> planned,</p>
+<p class="i6">Makes me smile, makes me smile.</p>
+<p class="i0">Labour world-over they'll discuss,</p>
+<p class="i6">Far and near, far and near.</p>
+<p class="i0">Will it all end in futile fuss?</p>
+<p class="i6">That's my fear, that's my fear.</p>
+<p class="i0">A difference of view I see</p>
+<p class="i0">Betwixt the Emperor and me.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But here he comes to grip my fist,</p>
+<p class="i6">Fair and free, fair and free.</p>
+<p class="i0">Thinks he the chance I can't resist?</p>
+<p class="i6">We shall see, we shall see.</p>
+<p class="i0">I wear the Cap and he the Crown&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Awkward gear, awkward gear!</p>
+<p class="i0">Is he content to put it down?</p>
+<p class="i6">No, I fear; no, I fear.</p>
+<p class="i0">If Workman I as Workman he,</p>
+<p class="i0">Perhaps he'll just change hats with me!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The French Gallery.</span>&mdash;Oddly enough the French Gallery contains but a
+small proportion of French pictures. Possibly Mr. <span class="smcap">Wallis</span> thinks it is
+not high-bred to appear too long in a French <i>r&ocirc;le</i>&mdash;perhaps he fancies
+the public would get crusty or the critics might have him "on toast."
+Anyhow, he has taken French leave to do as he pleases, and the result is
+very satisfactory. He does not lose our Frenchship by the change. There
+are three remarkable pictures by Prof. <span class="smcap">Fritz Von Uhde</span>, and two by Prof.
+<span class="smcap">Max Liebermann</span>, which ought to make a sensation, and there is an
+excellent <span class="smcap">Munkacsy</span>, besides a varied collection of foreign pictures.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Blackburn</span>, author of that annually useful work, <i>Academy
+Notes</i>, is announced to give lectures at Kensington Town Hall, April 13.
+One of his subjects, "Sketching in Sunshine," will be very interesting
+to a Londoner. First catch your sunshine: then sketch. Mr. <span class="smcap">Blackburn</span>
+will be illuminated by oxy-hydrogen; he will thus appear as Mr.
+White-burn; so altogether a light entertainment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/159.png">
+<img src="images/159.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE ZOO." /></a>
+<h4>AT THE "ZOO."</h4>
+<p><i>Arabella.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, Aug&mdash;&mdash; Mr. Brown, let's go to the Apeiary. I think the
+Monkeys are such fun!</span>"</p>
+<p>[<i>He did not Propose that afternoon!</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WAY TO THE TEMPLE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch,</span></p>
+
+<center><i>Willesden Junction.</i></center>
+
+<p>Having been assured by a Phrenologist that my bump of locality is very
+highly developed, I attempted the other day&mdash;although a perfect stranger
+to London&mdash;to walk from Charing Cross to the Temple without inquiring
+the route. I had absolutely no assistance but a small map of Surbiton
+and the neighbourhood, from which I had calculated the general lie of
+the country, and a plain, ordinary compass, which I had bought cheap
+because it had lost its pointer. I am not sure that the route I took was
+the most direct. But when, after several hours' walk, I found myself at
+Willesden Junction, I was assured by a boy in the district, whom I
+asked, that I could not possibly have gone straighter. He advised me to
+take a ticket at once for Chalk Farm, as I still had some way to go, and
+said that he thought I might have to change at Battersea. He was a nice,
+bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily.</p>
+
+<p>I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not
+yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they
+have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have
+camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a
+train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated,
+and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I
+would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright
+little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two
+other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much
+amused&mdash;probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, <i>Mr.
+Punch</i>, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very
+well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but
+these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to
+less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country.</p>
+
+<p>But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important.
+There ought to be a great many more doors <i>into</i> the refreshment-room,
+and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm
+by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it
+should certainly be made&mdash;by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic
+pressure&mdash;to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted
+to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must
+be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to
+take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, <i>Mr. Punch</i>,</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Your humble and obedient Servant,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Phrenitic</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>New "Physical Examination" Style.</i>)</center>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Oxford</span>, <i>April 1, 1890</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of
+Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical
+exhibition of several physical <i>tours de force</i> on the spare ground at
+the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning.
+Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the
+Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of
+Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or
+before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize
+Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to be
+practically and personally illustrated by several feats of the
+successful candidate himself, will be "<i>Leap Year</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>LIGHT AND AYRY.</h4>
+
+<center>Rejected! in bad grammar I declare<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I can't forget this year, nor yet that Ayr!</center><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Recording Angel in the House, or the Gal in the Gallery.</span>&mdash;"<i>Que
+diable allait-elle faire dans cette 'galerie.'</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)<br />
+
+No. VII.&mdash;THE PATRON OF SPORT.</center>
+
+<p>In order to qualify properly for the patronage of sport, a man must
+finally abandon any vestiges of refinement which may remain to him after
+a youth spent mainly in the use of strong language, and the abuse of
+strong drink. The future patron, who has enjoyed for some years the
+advantages of a neglected training in the privacy of the domestic
+circle, will have been sent to a public school. Like a vicious book, he
+will soon have been "called in," though not until he has been cut by
+those who may have been brought in contact with him. Having thus left
+his school for his school's good, he will find no difficulty in
+persuading his parents that the high spirits of an ingenuous youth,
+however distasteful they may have been to the ridiculous prejudices of a
+pedantic Head Master, are certain to be properly appreciated by the
+officers of a crack Regiment. He will, therefore, decide to enter the
+Army, and after pursuing his arduous studies for some time at the
+various Music Halls and drinking saloons of the Metropolis, he will
+administer a public reproof to the Civil Service Commissioners, by
+declining on two separate occasions to pass the examination for
+admission into Sandhurst.</p>
+
+<p>He will then inform his father that he is heavily in debt, and, having
+borrowed money from his tailor, he will disappear from the parental ken,
+to turn up again, after a week, without his watch, his scarf-pin, or his
+studs. This freak will be accepted by his relatives as a convincing
+proof of his fitness for a financial career, and he will shortly be
+transferred to the City as Clerk to a firm of Stockbrokers. Here his
+versatile talents will have full scope. He will manage to reconcile a
+somewhat lax attention to the details of business with a strict
+regularity in his attendance at suburban race-meetings. Nothing will be
+allowed to stand in his way when he pursues the shadow of pleasure
+through the most devious windings into the lowest haunts. For him the
+resources of dissipation are never exhausted. Pot-houses provide him
+with cocktails, restaurants furnish him with elaborate dinners, tailors
+array him in fine clothes, hosiers collar him up to the chin, and cover
+his breast with immaculate fronts. The master-pieces of West-End
+jewellers, hatters, and boot-makers, sparkle on various portions of his
+person; he finds in a lady step-dancer a goddess, and in <i>Ruff's Guide</i>
+a Bible; he sups, he swears, he drinks, and he gambles, and, finally, he
+attains to the summit of earthly felicity by finding himself mentioned
+under a nickname in the paragraphs of a sporting organ.</p>
+
+<p>Having about the same time engaged in a midnight brawl with an
+undersized and middle-aged cabman, he appears the next morning in a
+Police Court, and, after being fined forty shillings, is hailed as a
+hero by his companions, and recognised as a genuine Patron of Sport by
+the world at large. Henceforward his position is assured. He becomes the
+boon companion of Music-hall Chairmen, and lives on terms of intimate
+vulgarity with Money-lenders, who find that it pays to take a low
+interest in the pleasures, in order the more easily to obtain a high
+interest on the borrowings, of reckless young men.</p>
+
+<p>In company with these associates, and with others of more or less
+repute, the Patron of Sport sets the seal to his patronage by becoming a
+member of a so-called Sporting Club, at which professional pugilists
+batter one another in order to provide excitement for a mixed assemblage
+of coarse and brainless rowdies and the feeble toadies who dance
+attendance upon them. Here the Patron is at his best and noblest. Though
+he has never worn a glove in anger, nor indeed taken the smallest part
+in any genuine athletic exercise, he is as free with his opinions as he
+is unsparing of the adjectives wherewith he adorns them. He talks
+learnedly of "upper-cuts" and "cross-counters," and grows humorous over
+"mouse-traps," "pile-drivers on the mark," and "the flow of the ruby."
+Having absorbed four whiskeys-and-soda, he will observe that "if a
+fellow refuses to train properly, he must expect to be
+receiver-general," and, after lighting his tenth cigar as a tribute,
+presumably, to the lung power of the combatants, will indulge in some
+moody reflections on the decay of British valour and the general
+degeneracy of Englishmen. He will then drink liqueur brandy out of a
+claret glass, and, having slapped a sporting solicitor on the back and
+dug in the ribs a gentleman jockey who has been warned off the course,
+he will tread on the toes of an inoffensive stranger who has allowed
+himself to be elected a member of the Club under the mistaken impression
+that it was the home of sportsmen and the sanctuary of honest boxers.
+After duly characterising the stranger's eyes and his awkwardness, the
+Patron will resume his seat near the ropes, and will stare vacuously at
+the brilliant gathering of touts, loafers, parasites, usurers,
+book-makers, broken-down racing men, seedy soldiers, and over-fed City
+men who are assembled round the room. Inspired by their society with the
+conviction that he is assisting in an important capacity in the revival
+of a manly sport, he will adjust his hat on the back of his head, rap
+with his gold-headed cane upon the floor, and call "Time!"&mdash;a humorous
+sally which is always much appreciated, especially when the ring is
+empty. After witnessing the first three rounds of the next competition,
+he will rise to depart, and observing a looking-glass, will excite the
+laughter of his friends and the admiration of the waiters by sparring
+one round with his own reflection, finally falling into the arms of a
+companion, whom he adjures not to mind him, but to sponge up the other
+fellow.</p>
+
+<p>After this exploit a supper-club receives him, and he is made much of by
+those of both sexes who are content to thrive temporarily on the money
+of a friend. He will then drive a hansom through the streets, and,
+having knocked over a hot potato-stall, he will compensate the
+proprietor with a round of oaths and a five-pound note.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/160.png">
+<img src="images/160.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>In appearance the Patron of Sport is unwholesome. The bloom of youth
+vanished from his face before he ceased to be a boy; he assumes the worn
+and sallow mask of age before he has fairly begun to be a man. His hair
+is thin, and is carefully flattened by the aid of unguents, his dress is
+flashy, his moustache thick. In order the more closely to imitate a true
+sportsman, he wears a baggy overcoat, with large buttons. Yet he abhors
+all kinds of honest exercise, and, in the days of his prosperity, keeps
+a small brougham with yellow wheels. Soon after he reaches the age of
+thirty, he begins to feel the effects of his variegated life. He fails
+in landing a big <i>coup</i> on the Stock Exchange, and loses much money over
+a Newmarket meeting, in which he plunges on a succession of rank
+outsiders, whom a set of rascals, more cunning than himself, have
+represented to him as certainties. His position on the Stock Exchange
+becomes shaky, and he attempts to restore it by embarking with a gang of
+needy rogues on a first-class "roping" transaction, in connection with a
+prize-fight in Spain. Having, however, been exposed, he is shunned by
+most of those who only heard of the swindle when it was too late to join
+in it.</p>
+
+<p>This is the beginning of the end. He becomes careless of his appearance;
+with the decrease of his means his coats become shiny, and his cuffs
+more and more frayed. Eventually he falls into a state of sodden
+imbecility, relieved by occasional flashes of delirium tremens, and dies
+at the age of thirty-six, regretted by nobody except the faithful
+bull-dog, whose silver collar was the last thing he pawned.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A New Opera (in Preparation).</h4>
+
+<p><i>Librettist.</i> Now here's a grand effect. They all say, "We swear!" Then
+there's a magnificent "Oath Chorus!" How do you propose to treat that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Composer.</i> Oath Chorus? In D Major.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Page from an Imperial Note-Book.</span>&mdash;So far so good. Got rid of the Grand
+Old Chancellor and the rest of <i>that</i> crew&mdash;without much of a row! Been
+civil to my English Uncle, the Pope and the Democrats. Can't be idle, so
+what shall I do next? Why not take a trip to America where I might stand
+for President? If I propose extending trip to Salt Lake, would have to
+go <i>en gar&ccedil;on</i>. Or I might see if I could not get a little further than
+<span class="smcap">Stanley</span> in Africa. When I returned might write a book to be called, <i>The
+Extra Deep-Edged Black Continent</i>. Or why not turn painter? With a
+little practice would soon cut out all the Old Masters, native and
+foreign. And if I gave my mind to poetry, why <span class="smcap">Goethe</span> and <span class="smcap">Heine</span> would be
+simply nowhere! How about horse-racing? A Berlin Derby Day would make my
+English cousins "sit up." And sermons, there's something to be done in
+sermons! I believe I could compose as good a discourse as any of my
+Court chaplains. And then, possibly, I might be qualified to do that
+which would satisfy the sharpest craving of my loftiest ambition&mdash;<i>I
+might write for Punch!</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[So he shall. He shall "write for <i>Punch</i>," enclosing stamps, and
+the Number shall be sent to him by return.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed</span>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>
+
+<h2>PLAY-TIME.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Since</span> the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't
+see the <i>premi&egrave;re</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Sugden</span> must have immensely improved his
+<i>Touchstone</i>. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I
+saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly
+discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital
+<i>Audrey</i>, Miss <span class="smcap">Marion Lea</span>, and with <i>William</i>, were uncommonly good. I
+confess I was surprised. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourchier</span>&mdash;but now an amateur, now
+thus&mdash;gives <i>Jaques'</i> immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a
+thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the
+absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical
+recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry's</span>
+<i>Rosalind</i> is charming, her scenes with <i>Orlando</i> being as pretty a
+piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a
+pretty Lamb is she they call <span class="smcap">Beatrice</span> who plays <i>Ph&oelig;be</i>! What a
+sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To
+witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as
+if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a
+while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the
+forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom,
+under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/161.png">
+<img src="images/161.png" width="100%" alt="The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance" /></a>
+<h4>The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was curious to see how <span class="smcap">Alexander</span> "the (Getting) Great" would comport
+himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto
+been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public
+and his admirers&mdash;the terms are synonymous&mdash;may breathe again. <span class="smcap">Alexander</span>
+is surprisingly good as <i>Dr. Bill</i>, and the serious earnestness with
+which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications.
+And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be
+none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer,
+author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. <span class="smcap">Hamilton
+A&iuml;d&eacute;</span>!! "Sir," in future will <span class="smcap">Hamilton A&iuml;d&eacute;</span> say, when being interviewed
+by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled&mdash;&mdash;"
+"Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like
+'<i>Dr. Bill</i>,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his
+tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give
+him in the other. I back the <i>argumentum ad pocketum</i> against the Tragic
+Muse.</p>
+
+<p>How capitally it is played! Miss <span class="smcap">Brough</span> excellent; and so also is Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Chevalier</span>, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is
+not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming
+housemaid is pretty Miss <span class="smcap">Marie Linden</span>; and the idiotic youth, <i>George
+Webster</i>, played by Mr. <span class="smcap">Benjamin Webster</span>,&mdash;two Websters rolled into
+one,&mdash;is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I
+congratulate <span class="smcap">Alexander</span> the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons,
+I should like to be, were I not</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Diogenes Out of the Tub</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis the voice of the Critic</p>
+<p class="i2">I hear him complain,</p>
+<p class="i0">"One more afternoon!</p>
+<p class="i2">Fools! they're at it again!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">These dull <i>Matin&eacute;es</i>!</p>
+<p class="i2">Wretched plays I must see!</p>
+<p class="i0">But, alas, 'tis no play,</p>
+<p class="i2">And there's no peace for me!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the <i>Daily News</i> the
+other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with
+respect to the Emperor of <span class="smcap">Austria</span>. It runs thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood
+of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, <i>the passionate huntsman</i>
+said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this
+week.'"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first
+time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Himantophyllums</span> and Cyclamens were there to be seen,</p>
+<p class="i0">And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">High Life, Commercial, Trading, and Other</span>.</center>
+
+<p>THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.&mdash;As supplied direct from the ancestral
+estates of His Grace the Duke of <span class="smcap">Wagover</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.&mdash;This fashionable coal, throwing down
+a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now
+confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of
+<span class="smcap">Wagover</span>, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has
+now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to
+relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the
+purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal
+supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on
+his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders
+or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover
+Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.&mdash;N.B. Customers are respectfully
+invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are
+properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the
+coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a
+ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His
+Grace's own eye.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.&mdash;These delicious breakfast-table delicacies
+(now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any
+pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble
+Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants,
+secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his
+own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of
+the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so
+increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a
+shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been
+busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from
+morning till night. An analyst, writing to the <i>Stethoscope</i>, says, "<i>I
+have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit.
+I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere</i>."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above
+appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an
+Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies,
+whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling,
+at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred <i>parvenue</i> who can afford to
+pay for it, the <i>entr&eacute;e</i> to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable
+circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family
+connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an
+introduction.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Exclusive Society Introduction
+Syndicate</span> beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious
+aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social
+privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the
+following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced
+according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social
+market, are now offered for their consideration:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="regards">&pound;&nbsp;&nbsp; <i>s.</i> <i>&nbsp;d.</i></p>
+<p>Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood of Belgrave Square<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;(without introduction to Host or Hostess)</p>
+<p class="regards">21&nbsp;&nbsp;  0&nbsp;  0</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, (with introduction)</p>
+<p class="regards">31  10&nbsp;  0</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington</p>
+<p class="regards">1  11 &nbsp;6</p>
+<p>Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor, Royal Academician,<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Distinguished Literary Man, or other celebrity</p>
+<p class="regards">10  10&nbsp;  0</p>
+<p>Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of eight</p>
+<p class="regards">26&nbsp;  5&nbsp;  0</p>
+
+<p>Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements
+of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means,
+may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons,
+into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>DINING WITH A DUCHESS.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Exclusive Society Introduction Syndicate</span> beg
+to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily
+securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the
+present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses
+incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one
+hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal
+introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three
+minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the
+evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of
+fifty guineas extra.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/162.png">
+<img src="images/162.png" width="100%" alt="IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY" /></a>
+<h4>IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"THE GIFT HORSE."</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine,</p>
+<p class="i2">But how if the crayture is not worth its kape?</p>
+<p class="i0">Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape.</p>
+<p class="i0">What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour?</p>
+<p class="i0">We moight do that same did we not know the donor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould,</p>
+<p class="i2">A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch;</p>
+<p class="i0">But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could,</p>
+<p class="i2">And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch.</p>
+<p class="i0">Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick,</p>
+<p class="i0">For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It looks all very well in the front, to be shure,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears,</p>
+<p class="i0">But your sate in the saddle had need be secure</p>
+<p class="i2">If it lash out behoind, as it <i>could</i>, oive me fears.</p>
+<p class="i0">By the sowl of St. <span class="smcap">Pat</span>. oi'd as soon risk a spill</p>
+<p class="i0">From those blayguard buck-jumpers of <span class="smcap">Buffalo Bill</span>!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Gift horse? Oh, by jabers <i>that's</i> not what we're afther,</p>
+<p class="i2">We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance.</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Balfour</span>, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter.</p>
+<p class="i2">Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance.</p>
+<p class="i0">Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag,</p>
+<p class="i0">Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence;</p>
+<p class="i2">But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff!</p>
+<p class="i0">Ye'd loike us to take it,&mdash;and take no offence.</p>
+<p class="i2">And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh.</p>
+<p class="i0">It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South;</p>
+<p class="i0">So, <span class="smcap">Parnell</span>, my boy, <i>take a squint at its mouth!</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Faster and Faster.</span>&mdash;In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats
+the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against
+those of Succi, give her a handsome <i>dot</i>, she will be known as <i>La
+Je&ucirc;nesse Dor&eacute;e</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>DUNRAVEN.</h2>
+<center>(<i>Verses from the Very Latest Version.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Once on a Commission dreary sat <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>, worn and weary.</p>
+<p class="i2">Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor,</p>
+<p class="i0">Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score.</p>
+<p class="i0">"Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar,</p>
+<p class="i6">Gently purr, and nothing more."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Be those words our sign of parting!" cried <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>, swift upstarting;</p>
+<p class="i2">"Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er,</p>
+<p class="i0">We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken.</p>
+<p class="i2">Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er!</p>
+<p class="i0">Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?"</p>
+<p class="i6">Quoth <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>, "Nevermore!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT!</h2>
+
+<p>I only hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last
+Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most
+suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark
+morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent
+it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun
+to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle
+Book by post.</p>
+
+<p>It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford
+got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course
+Hoxford wun as I proffysized.</p>
+
+<p>I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the
+<span class="smcap">Lord Mare</span> at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their
+bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel
+for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of
+the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a
+disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that
+strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying
+suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to
+be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I
+bleeves means about 6 years. <span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/163.png">
+<img src="images/163.png" width="100%" alt="THE GIFT HORSE" /></a>
+<h4>"THE GIFT HORSE."</h4>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/165.png">
+<img src="images/165.png" width="100%" alt="TIT FOR TAT" /></a>
+<h4>TIT FOR TAT.</h4>
+<p><i>Captain Pullem (having just effected a "Swop" with his Friend).</i> "<span class="smcap">Now,
+I'll be straight with you, Old Man. That Horse you've got from me is a
+bit of a Crib-biter</span>!"</p>
+<p><i>Friend.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, don't mention it, Old Chap. You'll find mine to be a
+confirmed Runaway!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SONG SENTIMENTIANA.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable
+Composer.</i>)<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Example II.&mdash;Showing how curiously Retentive is the Lover's Memory</span>.</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis ninety years ago, love!</p>
+<p class="i2">It seems but yestermorn</p>
+<p class="i0">We sat upon the snow, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">And watch'd the golden corn!</p>
+<p class="i0">I mind the bitter wind, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I mind it well, although</p>
+<p class="i0">The wind I say I mind, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Blew ninety years ago!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The plough stood on the hill, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">The horse stood in the plough!</p>
+<p class="i0">And both were standing still, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I seem to see them now!</p>
+<p class="i0">The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">A stranger <i>he</i> to <i>whoa</i>!</p>
+<p class="i0">And so was I&mdash;but then, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twas ninety years ago!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The roses by the way, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Were large and, oh, so fair!</p>
+<p class="i0">And so they are to-day, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">For all I know&mdash;or care!</p>
+<p class="i0">And softly unto thou, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">While yet among the snow,</p>
+<p class="i0">I breathed that fatal vow, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of ninety years ago!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A "Fishing Interrogatory."</span>&mdash;"What's this new French book on angling?"
+asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and
+literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called <i>The Bait Humane</i>. I
+do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a
+hook, which is so cruel."&mdash;[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has
+heard some mention of <i>La B&ecirc;te Humaine</i>.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>]</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Advice</span> to those who are about to give Easter presents&mdash;send to
+<span class="smcap">Macmillan's</span> for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as
+paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. <span class="smcap">Tenniel's</span>" illustrations,
+coloured by Miss <span class="smcap">Gertrude Thomson</span>, under his direction.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Universal Review</i> is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr.
+<span class="smcap">W. L. Courtney</span>, entitled, <i>Kit Marlowe's Death</i>. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourchier</span> of the
+St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his
+theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,&mdash;such, for instance,
+as "<i>They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows</i>," and "<i>The
+others laugh at</i> <span class="smcap">Nash's</span> <i>expense</i>,"&mdash;are well worth all the money that
+the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In
+the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "<i>Count Tolstoy at
+Home</i>," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature,
+but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the
+<i>Kreutzer Sonata</i> is interesting; and interesting also is the paper
+entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of
+<span class="smcap">Gloucester</span>,&mdash;henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Andrew Lang</span> in <i>Longman's</i>&mdash;or rather <i>Lang-man's&mdash;Magazine</i>, is
+still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"&mdash;[The Baron moves "that the
+words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]&mdash;and as he has recently
+been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his
+readers to learn, that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order
+to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are
+undeterred by the eye of Detective <span class="smcap">Runciman</span>. I wish success to Merry
+Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same <i>Lang-man's Mag.</i>,
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Val Prinsep</span>, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the
+paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame,
+continues his novel <i>Virginie</i>. In the present chapter he incidentally
+gives a description of the service of Mass in the good <i>Abb&eacute; Leroux's</i>
+parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No
+wonder "the <i>Abb&eacute; Leroux</i> was scandalised," when the service had been
+turned topsy-turvy, the <i>credo</i> put before the <i>gloria</i>, and a young
+person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a
+solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved
+Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile <span class="smcap">Prinsep's</span> novel!</p>
+
+<p>In <i>Plain Tales from the Hills</i>, by Mr. <span class="smcap">Rudyard Kipling</span>, the jaded
+palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour.
+In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian <span class="smcap">Bret Harte</span>, and there is
+perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will
+be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite
+surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and
+native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already
+won a reputation for the author. Few can read <i>Beyond the Pale</i>, <i>The
+Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly</i>, <i>The Story of Muhammed Din</i>, <i>The Germ
+Destroyer</i>, and <i>The Madness of Private Ortheris</i>, for example, without
+admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and
+impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic
+conciseness.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Baron de Book-worms &amp; Co.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In the intervals of Sport</p>
+<p class="i2">M.P.'s vamp the country's work,</p>
+<p class="i0">Therefore cut the Sessions short,</p>
+<p class="i2">Supplementary Sessions shirk.</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Must</i> have time to pot the grouse,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Must</i> have time to hook the salmon,</p>
+<p class="i0">Spoil our Sport to help the House?</p>
+<p class="i8">Gammon!!!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lost</span>, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a
+highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play."
+It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the
+Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many
+applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir <span class="smcap">R-ch-rd
+W-bst-r</span> and Sir <span class="smcap">W-ll-m H-rc-rt</span>, to <span class="smcap">L-rd D-nr-v-n</span>, and (last and least)
+Sir <span class="smcap">W. M-rr-tt</span>, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims.
+Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the
+lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the
+Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry
+spite, will, on applying personally to <i>Mr. Punch</i>, be <span class="smcap">Handsomely
+Rewarded</span>!!!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote>[Pipe-Major <span class="smcap">McKellar</span> has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic
+story of "<span class="smcap">Jessie Brown</span> of Lucknow."]</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Our faith to the winds you would chuck now,</p>
+<p class="i0">Concerning that Legend of Lucknow.</p>
+<p class="i6">That sweet Scottish girl</p>
+<p class="i6">Never heard the pipes "skirl?"</p>
+<p class="i0">Come! This is mere sceptical muck now!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager</p>
+<p class="i0">Will survive many stories much sager.</p>
+<p class="i6">Our faith in the tale</p>
+<p class="i6">Is confirmed, and won't fail</p>
+<p class="i0">At the word of a single Pipe-Major.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/166.png">
+<img src="images/166.png" width="100%" alt="TIME WORKS WONDERS" /></a>
+<h4>TIME WORKS WONDERS.</h4>
+<p>(<i>Mr. Punch's Suggestions, &agrave; propos of the recent Discussions about Mr.
+Gladstone's Head.</i>)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MUSICAL NOTES.</h2>
+
+<p>I have just received <span class="smcap">Florian Pascal's</span> Music composed for <i>Tra la la
+Tosca</i>, published by <span class="smcap">Joseph Williams</span> of Berners Street. Justice was not
+done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two <i>mor&ccedil;eaux</i> in
+it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "<i>Her Eye</i>,"
+which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a
+contralto song, just as <span class="smcap">Sullivan's</span> charming "<i>Hush a bye Bacon</i>," in
+<i>Cox and Box</i>, became "<i>Birds of the Night</i>." Then the Gavotte in this
+book is as graceful and catching as the <i>Gavotte de Louis Treize</i>, and
+would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Klein's</span> <i>Musical Notes of the Year</i>, a useful and trustworthy historical
+record, was sent to me, and not "de-<span class="smcap">Klein</span>'d with thanks." I have just
+heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't
+know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement;
+but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. <span class="smcap">Edward Solomon</span>, who is now
+wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led
+on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka
+or waltz which bears the name of "<i>Zingit</i>," and which might bear on the
+wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it."</p>
+
+<p class="regards">(<i>Signed</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="author"> <span class="smcap">Otto Piccolo (du Conservatoire)</span>.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Hubert Vos</span> requests the honour of our company at his studio near
+Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "<i>Sic</i> Vos <i>non
+vobis</i>."</p><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>A "<span class="smcap">Scratch Company</span>."&mdash;A Cat Show."</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/167.png">
+<img src="images/167.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH" /></a>
+<h4>WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH&mdash;AND HOW HE
+RETALIATES.</h4>
+<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, he may be a <i>Genius</i>. But I confess I don't <i>care</i> for the
+society of Geniuses!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">How very Personal of you! It's as if <i>I</i> were to confess I didn't
+care for the society of Handsome Women!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE.</h2>
+
+<p>The application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle
+Street, made by the <span class="smcap">Jeune Premier</span>, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. <span class="smcap">Ker
+Gray</span>, was opposed by Canon <span class="smcap">Capel Cure</span>, of St. George's, Hanover Square,
+the Hymeneal Temple <i>par excellence</i> of the Metropolis. Dr. <span class="smcap">Tristram</span>,
+with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider
+his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will
+the Minister with the sad-dog name of "<span class="smcap">Ker Gray</span>" become the Canon's
+<i>b&ecirc;te noire</i>. If the decision be t'other way, then <span class="smcap">Ker Gray</span> may twit the
+Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old
+lines of</p>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure,</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh isn't he a Cure!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "<i>Old Dog Tray</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"The chapel's far too near,</p>
+<p class="i2">But p'raps another year</p>
+<p class="i0">May put a stop to old <span class="smcap">Ker Gray</span>."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>In the meantime, the affair being <i>sub (Punch-and-) judice</i>, we refrain
+from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SENTENCE RE-VERSED.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Gin a body meet a body</p>
+<p class="i2">On the Queen's highway,</p>
+<p class="i0">And a body kiss a body,</p>
+<p class="i2">Won't a body pay?</p>
+<p class="i0">Mony a lassie has a temper.</p>
+<p class="i2">Mony a beak is stern;</p>
+<p class="i0">At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob,</p>
+<p class="i2">The lesson's hard to learn.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Too Much a Matter of Course.</span>&mdash;Cruelty to Hares.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 24.</i>&mdash;Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> explained in speech
+nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In
+course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is
+furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the
+Treasury Bench, behind Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, sat, on either hand, <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>
+and <span class="smcap">Jokim</span>. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences
+might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some
+period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both
+pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which
+<span class="smcap">Arthur</span> shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a
+coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, <span class="smcap">Old
+Morality</span> tugged at the right-hand one, and when <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> had a happy
+thought he hauled away on the left.</p>
+
+<p>As both their minds were seething with ideas, <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> had a lively time
+of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was
+assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had
+been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that
+seventeen years was about the average value under Lord <span class="smcap">Ashbourne's</span> Act,
+there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in
+that direction; <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> whispered in his ear.</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the
+instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is &pound;1,200,000 a
+year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is
+utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How
+would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently
+agitated, and <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> leaning over, <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> half-rising, eagerly explained
+something.)</p>
+
+<p>"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just
+about to show, that there would be first the &pound;200,000 reserve fund;
+secondly, there would be the &pound;200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly,
+&pound;40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and &pound;75,000 of the quarter
+per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that &pound;1,118,000
+of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the &pound;5,000,000, which was
+the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent
+portion of the guarantee fund, you would have &pound;1,633,000 to meet the
+call of &pound;1,200,000."</p>
+
+<p>This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of
+putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that <i>he</i>
+would have &pound;1,633,000 to meet a call of &pound;1,200,000, was designed to have
+soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that
+direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Jokim</span>," said <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We
+know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> shall
+bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and
+dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited
+manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle,
+that <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> is the father."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Land Purchase Bill brought in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Wilfrid Lawson</span> sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone
+knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it
+should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell
+Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass
+Vote of Thanks. <span class="smcap">Lawson</span> wants to know whether <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> has conveyed
+the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply?
+Question put without notice. Rather<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> startles <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>. Fact is,
+never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of
+passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in
+and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk,
+by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these
+questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of
+Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might
+probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared
+every morning. <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of
+despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not
+to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no
+escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic
+manner, and speaking in solemn tones, <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> said, "Mr. <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>,
+Sir, it is no part of my duty to the <span class="smcap">Queen</span> and country to convey to
+anybody a Resolution of this House."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/168a.png">
+<img src="images/168a.png" width="100%" alt="Where&#39;s the Vote of Thanks?" /></a>
+<h4>"Where's the Vote of Thanks?"</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lawson</span> up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> whether <i>he</i>
+had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> had had no
+instructions on the matter.</p>
+
+<p>Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not
+the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various
+people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder
+Brother <span class="smcap">Day</span>, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his
+heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges
+on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the
+distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with
+copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and
+behold! they have never had it at all!</p>
+
+<p>House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh,
+ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned
+with affectation of keen interest to question raised by <span class="smcap">Mundella</span> of
+iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of
+York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing
+eloquence of <span class="smcap">Hart Dyke</span>, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before
+Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of
+thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of
+neglect; <span class="smcap">Hannen</span> taking on a sterner aspect; <span class="smcap">Smith</span> affecting a perky
+indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother <span class="smcap">Day</span> ever stealing
+the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from
+scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;"Talk about <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span>," said <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, perhaps not without some
+tinge of envy, "if <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> goes on in this style, <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span> won't be in
+it for persiflage."</p>
+
+<p>House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear <span class="smcap">Harcourt's</span> whisper. <span class="smcap">John
+Morley</span> began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5
+Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been
+seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted
+Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> put
+Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition
+was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill
+knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to
+every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and
+say, "Aye," when <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> asked him should he knock off another fifty
+Clauses?</p>
+
+<p>When it was over, <span class="smcap">John Morley</span> rose, and gravely expressed hope that <span class="smcap">Old
+Morality</span> would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition
+persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by
+leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>, prone
+to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in
+performing duty to <span class="smcap">Queen</span> and country by obstruction of Members opposite.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "<span class="smcap">John's</span> got him there. A hit, a
+palpable hit!"</p>
+
+<p>But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>. Rose from
+other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell
+all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility
+for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite
+flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more
+than <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his
+face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his
+portly body gently shook with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said J. G. <span class="smcap">Talbot</span>, mournfully regarding him through his
+spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/168b.png">
+<img src="images/168b.png" width="100%" alt="Tearing up the Tithes" /></a>
+<h4>Tearing up the Tithes.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. <span class="smcap">Picton</span> rallied scattered forces of
+Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence;
+trenormous energy.</p>
+
+<p>"Reminds me," said Admiral <span class="smcap">Field</span>, "of his grandfather, General <span class="smcap">Picton</span>,
+who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade
+of Marines there, you know; attached to <span class="smcap">Picton's</span> Division. Never look on
+Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and
+the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Picton</span> reminded <span class="smcap">Hicks-Beach</span> of someone else&mdash;"his great predecessor in
+spoliation, <span class="smcap">Henry the Eighth</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but better looking," said <span class="smcap">Plunket</span>, always ready to put in a kind
+word.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Tithes Bill Debate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of
+depressing the human mind, acted upon <span class="smcap">Cranborne</span> like electric shock.
+Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in
+favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he
+"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the
+piratical <span class="smcap">Picton</span> and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case
+the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to
+seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question?</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes
+against 164.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A (Not) at Home.</span>"&mdash;Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated
+paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a
+certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel
+departure should be useful as a precedent to the <i>cr&ecirc;me de la cr&ecirc;me</i> of
+suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be
+expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence"
+columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:&mdash;"On Thursday last
+Mr. and Mrs. <span class="smcap">Madeira Top-floor Smithies</span> entertained a small and select
+party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace,
+Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the
+Prince of <span class="smcap">Teck</span>, the Duke of <span class="smcap">Westminster</span>, Lady <span class="smcap">Burdett-Coutts</span>, and the
+<span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span>. In the general circle, Lord <span class="smcap">Cross</span>, the Countess of
+<span class="smcap">Clarendon</span>, and the Bishop of <span class="smcap">London</span>, were also conspicuous by their
+absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of <span class="smcap">Cambridge</span> nor Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> were expected to join the company before the close of the
+entertainment."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dinner Scarcely &agrave; la Roose.</span>&mdash;Dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>,&mdash;I am a poor man, but I
+like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and
+yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method.
+I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot
+of <i>p&acirc;t&eacute; de foies gras</i>, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted
+cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find, that I can
+eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not
+make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a
+picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad
+one&mdash;but that is a matter of detail.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours sincerely,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">The Founder of the More-than-Enough Society.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Utopian.</span>&mdash;Neither noise, vibration, nor dust! That's what the <span class="smcap">Bramwells</span>,
+the <span class="smcap">Watkins</span>, and the <span class="smcap">Galtons</span> claim for that partly-developed but
+promising&mdash;much promising&mdash;invention of M. <span class="smcap">Girard's</span>, the <i>Chemin de Fer
+Glissant</i>, or Sliding Railway. <i>What</i> a happy ideal! By all means, "Let
+it slide!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Chance for a New Member.</span>&mdash;"Rookeries," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Lazarus</span> in his
+evidence at Marylebone, "abound in St. Pancras, and it is a scandal to
+civilisation that they should continue to exist." Now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bolton</span>, M.P.,
+can't you have your legal and parliamentary finger in this Rook pie?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%">
+<a href="images/168c.gif">
+<img src="images/168c.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 98, APRIL 5, 1890***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 30492-h.txt or 30492-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/0/4/9/30492">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/9/30492</a></p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+April 5, 1890, by Various, Edited by Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, April 5, 1890
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: November 17, 2009  [eBook #30492]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 98, APRIL 5, 1890***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 30492-h.htm or 30492-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h/30492-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 98
+
+APRIL 5, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel
+appearance_;" _i.e._, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman.
+
+"_A powerful-looking fellow_;" _i.e._, An awful ruffian.
+
+"_A rumour has reached us_"--(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses
+wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves).
+
+"_Nothing fresh has transpired_;" _i.e._, The local Reporter's invention
+is at last exhausted.
+
+"_The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which
+he was placed_;" _i.e._, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his
+knuckles.
+
+"_The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour_;" _i.e._, The
+Reporter left early.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music_;" _i.e._, I'm not going
+to throw away my singing on these people.
+
+"_Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know
+you were in Town_;" _i.e._, By which I wish her to understand that I
+hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (_for which I
+had received no invitation_) that appeared in last Thursday's _Morning
+Post_.
+
+"_Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage_;"
+_i.e._, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of
+your way.
+
+FOR SHOW SUNDAY.
+
+"_Shall you have many Pictures in this year?_" _i.e._, He'll jump for
+joy if he gets one in.
+
+"_Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?_"
+_i.e._, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show.
+
+"_By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?_"
+_i.e._, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual!
+
+"_What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle
+Ideal treatment, so different, &c., &c.?_" _i.e._, 'Tisn't like anything
+on earth.
+
+"_Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll
+create a sensation!_" _i.e._, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I
+may as well be in it.
+
+"_Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with
+it?_" _i.e._, I should hope not--for MILLAIS' sake.
+
+"_Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?_" _i.e._,
+His picture is.
+
+"_Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old
+man_;" _i.e._, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow.
+
+"_My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet_;" _i.e._, Dull
+skies and dowdy peasants!
+
+"_Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a
+laugh out of_;" _i.e._, Or at!
+
+AUCTIONEERING.
+
+"_Every Modern Convenience_;" _i.e._, Electric-bells and disconnected
+drain-pipes.
+
+"_Cheap and Commodious Flat_;" _i.e._, Seven small square rooms, with no
+outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion.
+
+"_A Desirable Residence_;" _i.e._, To get out of.
+
+PLATFORMULARS.
+
+"_And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are
+engaged_;" _i.e._, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all
+right.
+
+"_Our great Leader_;" _i.e._, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will
+give me time to think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL ECONOMY.
+
+_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I'M WRITING TO ASK THE BROWNS TO MEET THE JONESES HERE
+AT DINNER, AND TO THE JONESES TO MEET THE BROWNS. WE OWE THEM BOTH, YOU
+KNOW."
+
+_Mr. Scrooge._ "BUT I'VE HEARD THEY'VE JUST QUARRELLED, AND DON'T
+SPEAK!"
+
+_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I KNOW. THEY'LL REFUSE, AND WE NEEDN'T GIVE A DINNER
+PARTY AT ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MY CURATE."
+
+    [The _Law Times_ mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and
+    good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My
+    Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a
+    Solicitor.]
+
+SCENE--_Drowsiham Vicarage._ Vicar _and Family discovered seated at
+breakfast-table. Time--Present._
+
+_The Vicar._ I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's _Church
+Papers_, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the
+post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest
+respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my
+own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed."
+
+_Elder Daughter (giddily)._ Pa! Have any of them sent photos?
+
+_Vicar._ Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose
+_cartes-de-visite_ with testimonials.
+
+_Younger Daughter._ Now I shall be able to fill up my Album!
+
+_Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures)._ This
+is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass,
+and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young!
+
+_Younger Daughter (thoughtfully)._ It's a pity we can't lay in _two_
+Curates while we are about it.
+
+_Vicar._ Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what
+he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as
+candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of
+their photographs.
+
+_Elder Daughter (reading)._ "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views!
+Here's something better--"Very Musical Voice"--the _darling_! He _looks_
+as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen
+minutes in preaching." Delicious!
+
+_Vicar's Wife._ I don't know if the parishioners will like _that_.
+
+_Both Daughters (together)._ But _we_ shall!
+
+_Elder Daughter (continues reading)._ "Quite content to preach only in
+the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What _does_ he
+mean?
+
+_Vicar (cordially)._ I know! I think he'll do very well. _Just_ the sort
+of man I want!
+
+_Elder Daughter._ Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and
+twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet!
+
+_Younger Daughter._ Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him _at once_!
+
+_Elder Daughter (turning pale)._ Stop! What is this? "Very steady and
+respectable. _Has been engaged to be married for past three years!_"
+Call _him_ engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch!
+
+_Younger Daughter._ A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him,
+Pa?
+
+_Vicar (meditatively)._ I might--in the Archbishop's Court. Really this
+new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely
+to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at!
+[_Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER_ has been announced as in preparation at the
+Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss MARY MOORE v. Miss WINIFRED EMERY as
+_Miss Hardcastle_. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not
+run it at both Houses?--and, to decide, call in a jury of "the
+GOLDSMITH'S Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAYFAIR ROW.--GOODE, BAIRD, and very indifferent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.
+
+_A Song of the Situation._ _AIR--"The King and I"._ _Socialist Workman
+sings_:--
+
+_Emperor._ "I'M ONE OF YOU!" _Socialist._ "ALL RIGHT, MATE. THEN--TAKE
+OFF YOUR CROWN!"]
+
+  The Kaiser swears that he can work;
+      So can I! So can I!
+  Strain and long hours he will not shirk.
+      Nor do I, nor do I.
+  But he may work at his sweet will;
+      So they say, so they say.
+  Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill;
+      A long day, a long day!
+  So there's _some_ difference I see
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me.
+
+  He hath his army and his ships;
+      Great are they! Great are they!
+  Their price, which my lean pocket nips,
+      I must pay, I must pay.
+  Yet here he comes to grip my hand;
+      That's his plan, that's his plan;
+  And at my side to take his stand,
+      Working-man, working-man!
+  Strange that such likeness there should be
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me!
+
+  BISMARCK, it seems, he does not trust;
+      Nor do I, nor do I.
+  He thinks the toiler's claims are just;
+      So do I, so do I.
+  He's called a Conference of Kings,
+       Novel scheme, novel scheme!
+  To talk of Socialistic things--
+      Pleasant dream, pleasant dream!
+  What difference, now, would KARL MARX see
+  Betwixt my Emperor and me?
+
+  The "International" they banned.
+      _That_ was vile, _that_ was vile.
+  But now a similar thing _they've_ planned,
+      Makes me smile, makes me smile.
+  Labour world-over they'll discuss,
+      Far and near, far and near.
+  Will it all end in futile fuss?
+      That's my fear, that's my fear.
+  A difference of view I see
+  Betwixt the Emperor and me.
+
+  But here he comes to grip my fist,
+      Fair and free, fair and free.
+  Thinks he the chance I can't resist?
+      We shall see, we shall see.
+  I wear the Cap and he the Crown--
+      Awkward gear, awkward gear!
+  Is he content to put it down?
+      No, I fear; no, I fear.
+  If Workman I as Workman he,
+  Perhaps he'll just change hats with me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH GALLERY.--Oddly enough the French Gallery contains but a
+small proportion of French pictures. Possibly Mr. WALLIS thinks it is
+not high-bred to appear too long in a French _role_--perhaps he fancies
+the public would get crusty or the critics might have him "on toast."
+Anyhow, he has taken French leave to do as he pleases, and the result is
+very satisfactory. He does not lose our Frenchship by the change. There
+are three remarkable pictures by Prof. FRITZ VON UHDE, and two by Prof.
+MAX LIEBERMANN, which ought to make a sensation, and there is an
+excellent MUNKACSY, besides a varied collection of foreign pictures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. HENRY BLACKBURN, author of that annually useful work, _Academy
+Notes_, is announced to give lectures at Kensington Town Hall, April 13.
+One of his subjects, "Sketching in Sunshine," will be very interesting
+to a Londoner. First catch your sunshine: then sketch. Mr. BLACKBURN
+will be illuminated by oxy-hydrogen; he will thus appear as Mr.
+White-burn; so altogether a light entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE "ZOO."
+
+_Arabella._ "OH, AUG----MR. BROWN, LET'S GO TO THE APEIARY. I THINK THE
+MONKEYS ARE SUCH FUN!" [_He did not Propose that afternoon!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY TO THE TEMPLE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,    _Willesden Junction._
+
+Having been assured by a Phrenologist that my bump of locality is very
+highly developed, I attempted the other day--although a perfect stranger
+to London--to walk from Charing Cross to the Temple without inquiring
+the route. I had absolutely no assistance but a small map of Surbiton
+and the neighbourhood, from which I had calculated the general lie of
+the country, and a plain, ordinary compass, which I had bought cheap
+because it had lost its pointer. I am not sure that the route I took was
+the most direct. But when, after several hours' walk, I found myself at
+Willesden Junction, I was assured by a boy in the district, whom I
+asked, that I could not possibly have gone straighter. He advised me to
+take a ticket at once for Chalk Farm, as I still had some way to go, and
+said that he thought I might have to change at Battersea. He was a nice,
+bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily.
+
+I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not
+yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they
+have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have
+camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a
+train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated,
+and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I
+would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright
+little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two
+other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much
+amused--probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, _Mr.
+Punch_, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very
+well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but
+these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to
+less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country.
+
+But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important.
+There ought to be a great many more doors _into_ the refreshment-room,
+and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm
+by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it
+should certainly be made--by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic
+pressure--to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted
+to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must
+be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to
+take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, _Mr. Punch_,
+
+Your humble and obedient Servant,       PHRENITIC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. (_New "Physical Examination" Style._)
+
+OXFORD, _April 1, 1890_.
+
+THE Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of
+Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical
+exhibition of several physical _tours de force_ on the spare ground at
+the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning.
+Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the
+Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of
+Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or
+before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize
+Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to be
+practically and personally illustrated by several feats of the
+successful candidate himself, will be "_Leap Year_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT AND AYRY.
+
+  Rejected! in bad grammar I declare
+  I can't forget this year, nor yet that Ayr!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECORDING ANGEL IN THE HOUSE, OR THE GAL IN THE GALLERY.--"_Que
+diable allait-elle faire dans cette 'galerie.'_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. VII.--THE PATRON OF SPORT.
+
+IN order to qualify properly for the patronage of sport, a man must
+finally abandon any vestiges of refinement which may remain to him after
+a youth spent mainly in the use of strong language, and the abuse of
+strong drink. The future patron, who has enjoyed for some years the
+advantages of a neglected training in the privacy of the domestic
+circle, will have been sent to a public school. Like a vicious book, he
+will soon have been "called in," though not until he has been cut by
+those who may have been brought in contact with him. Having thus left
+his school for his school's good, he will find no difficulty in
+persuading his parents that the high spirits of an ingenuous youth,
+however distasteful they may have been to the ridiculous prejudices of a
+pedantic Head Master, are certain to be properly appreciated by the
+officers of a crack Regiment. He will, therefore, decide to enter the
+Army, and after pursuing his arduous studies for some time at the
+various Music Halls and drinking saloons of the Metropolis, he will
+administer a public reproof to the Civil Service Commissioners, by
+declining on two separate occasions to pass the examination for
+admission into Sandhurst.
+
+He will then inform his father that he is heavily in debt, and, having
+borrowed money from his tailor, he will disappear from the parental ken,
+to turn up again, after a week, without his watch, his scarf-pin, or his
+studs. This freak will be accepted by his relatives as a convincing
+proof of his fitness for a financial career, and he will shortly be
+transferred to the City as Clerk to a firm of Stockbrokers. Here his
+versatile talents will have full scope. He will manage to reconcile a
+somewhat lax attention to the details of business with a strict
+regularity in his attendance at suburban race-meetings. Nothing will be
+allowed to stand in his way when he pursues the shadow of pleasure
+through the most devious windings into the lowest haunts. For him the
+resources of dissipation are never exhausted. Pot-houses provide him
+with cocktails, restaurants furnish him with elaborate dinners, tailors
+array him in fine clothes, hosiers collar him up to the chin, and cover
+his breast with immaculate fronts. The master-pieces of West-End
+jewellers, hatters, and boot-makers, sparkle on various portions of his
+person; he finds in a lady step-dancer a goddess, and in _Ruff's Guide_
+a Bible; he sups, he swears, he drinks, and he gambles, and, finally, he
+attains to the summit of earthly felicity by finding himself mentioned
+under a nickname in the paragraphs of a sporting organ.
+
+Having about the same time engaged in a midnight brawl with an
+undersized and middle-aged cabman, he appears the next morning in a
+Police Court, and, after being fined forty shillings, is hailed as a
+hero by his companions, and recognised as a genuine Patron of Sport by
+the world at large. Henceforward his position is assured. He becomes the
+boon companion of Music-hall Chairmen, and lives on terms of intimate
+vulgarity with Money-lenders, who find that it pays to take a low
+interest in the pleasures, in order the more easily to obtain a high
+interest on the borrowings, of reckless young men.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In company with these associates, and with others of more or less
+repute, the Patron of Sport sets the seal to his patronage by becoming a
+member of a so-called Sporting Club, at which professional pugilists
+batter one another in order to provide excitement for a mixed assemblage
+of coarse and brainless rowdies and the feeble toadies who dance
+attendance upon them. Here the Patron is at his best and noblest. Though
+he has never worn a glove in anger, nor indeed taken the smallest part
+in any genuine athletic exercise, he is as free with his opinions as he
+is unsparing of the adjectives wherewith he adorns them. He talks
+learnedly of "upper-cuts" and "cross-counters," and grows humorous over
+"mouse-traps," "pile-drivers on the mark," and "the flow of the ruby."
+Having absorbed four whiskeys-and-soda, he will observe that
+"if a fellow refuses to train properly, he must expect to be
+receiver-general," and, after lighting his tenth cigar as a tribute,
+presumably, to the lung power of the combatants, will indulge in some
+moody reflections on the decay of British valour and the general
+degeneracy of Englishmen. He will then drink liqueur brandy out of a
+claret glass, and, having slapped a sporting solicitor on the back and
+dug in the ribs a gentleman jockey who has been warned off the course,
+he will tread on the toes of an inoffensive stranger who has allowed
+himself to be elected a member of the Club under the mistaken impression
+that it was the home of sportsmen and the sanctuary of honest boxers.
+After duly characterising the stranger's eyes and his awkwardness, the
+Patron will resume his seat near the ropes, and will stare vacuously at
+the brilliant gathering of touts, loafers, parasites, usurers,
+book-makers, broken-down racing men, seedy soldiers, and over-fed City
+men who are assembled round the room. Inspired by their society with the
+conviction that he is assisting in an important capacity in the revival
+of a manly sport, he will adjust his hat on the back of his head, rap
+with his gold-headed cane upon the floor, and call "Time!"--a humorous
+sally which is always much appreciated, especially when the ring is
+empty. After witnessing the first three rounds of the next competition,
+he will rise to depart, and observing a looking-glass, will excite the
+laughter of his friends and the admiration of the waiters by sparring
+one round with his own reflection, finally falling into the arms of a
+companion, whom he adjures not to mind him, but to sponge up the other
+fellow.
+
+After this exploit a supper-club receives him, and he is made much of by
+those of both sexes who are content to thrive temporarily on the money
+of a friend. He will then drive a hansom through the streets, and,
+having knocked over a hot potato-stall, he will compensate the
+proprietor with a round of oaths and a five-pound note.
+
+In appearance the Patron of Sport is unwholesome. The bloom of youth
+vanished from his face before he ceased to be a boy; he assumes the worn
+and sallow mask of age before he has fairly begun to be a man. His hair
+is thin, and is carefully flattened by the aid of unguents, his dress is
+flashy, his moustache thick. In order the more closely to imitate a true
+sportsman, he wears a baggy overcoat, with large buttons. Yet he abhors
+all kinds of honest exercise, and, in the days of his prosperity, keeps
+a small brougham with yellow wheels. Soon after he reaches the age of
+thirty, he begins to feel the effects of his variegated life. He fails
+in landing a big _coup_ on the Stock Exchange, and loses much money over
+a Newmarket meeting, in which he plunges on a succession of rank
+outsiders, whom a set of rascals, more cunning than himself, have
+represented to him as certainties. His position on the Stock Exchange
+becomes shaky, and he attempts to restore it by embarking with a gang of
+needy rogues on a first-class "roping" transaction, in connection with a
+prize-fight in Spain. Having, however, been exposed, he is shunned by
+most of those who only heard of the swindle when it was too late to join
+in it.
+
+This is the beginning of the end. He becomes careless of his appearance;
+with the decrease of his means his coats become shiny, and his cuffs
+more and more frayed. Eventually he falls into a state of sodden
+imbecility, relieved by occasional flashes of delirium tremens, and dies
+at the age of thirty-six, regretted by nobody except the faithful
+bull-dog, whose silver collar was the last thing he pawned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Opera (in Preparation).
+
+_Librettist._ Now here's a grand effect. They all say, "We swear!" Then
+there's a magnificent "Oath Chorus!" How do you propose to treat that?
+
+_Composer._ Oath Chorus? In D Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAGE FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.--So far so good. Got rid of the Grand
+Old Chancellor and the rest of _that_ crew--without much of a row! Been
+civil to my English Uncle, the Pope and the Democrats. Can't be idle, so
+what shall I do next? Why not take a trip to America where I might stand
+for President? If I propose extending trip to Salt Lake, would have to
+go _en garcon_. Or I might see if I could not get a little further than
+STANLEY in Africa. When I returned might write a book to be called, _The
+Extra Deep-Edged Black Continent_. Or why not turn painter? With a
+little practice would soon cut out all the Old Masters, native and
+foreign. And if I gave my mind to poetry, why GOETHE and HEINE would be
+simply nowhere! How about horse-racing? A Berlin Derby Day would make my
+English cousins "sit up." And sermons, there's something to be done in
+sermons! I believe I could compose as good a discourse as any of my
+Court chaplains. And then, possibly, I might be qualified to do that
+which would satisfy the sharpest craving of my loftiest ambition--_I
+might write for Punch!_
+
+    [So he shall. He shall "write for _Punch_," enclosing stamps, and
+    the Number shall be sent to him by return.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLAY-TIME.
+
+SINCE the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't
+see the _premiere_, Mr. SUGDEN must have immensely improved his
+_Touchstone_. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I
+saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly
+discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital
+_Audrey_, Miss MARION LEA, and with _William_, were uncommonly good. I
+confess I was surprised. Mr. BOURCHIER--but now an amateur, now
+thus--gives _Jaques'_ immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a
+thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the
+absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical
+recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. LANGTRY'S
+_Rosalind_ is charming, her scenes with _Orlando_ being as pretty a
+piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a
+pretty Lamb is she they call BEATRICE who plays _Phoebe_! What a
+sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To
+witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as
+if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a
+while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the
+forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom,
+under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful.
+
+I was curious to see how ALEXANDER "the (Getting) Great" would comport
+himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto
+been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public
+and his admirers--the terms are synonymous--may breathe again. ALEXANDER
+is surprisingly good as _Dr. Bill_, and the serious earnestness with
+which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications.
+And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be
+none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer,
+author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. HAMILTON
+AIDE!! "Sir," in future will HAMILTON AIDE say, when being interviewed
+by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled----"
+"Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like
+'_Dr. Bill_,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his
+tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give
+him in the other. I back the _argumentum ad pocketum_ against the Tragic
+Muse.
+
+[Illustration: The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance.]
+
+How capitally it is played! Miss BROUGH excellent; and so also is Mr.
+CHEVALIER, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is
+not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming
+housemaid is pretty Miss MARIE LINDEN; and the idiotic youth, _George
+Webster_, played by Mr. BENJAMIN WEBSTER,--two Websters rolled into
+one,--is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I
+congratulate ALEXANDER the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons,
+I should like to be, were I not
+
+DIOGENES OUT OF THE TUB.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic.
+
+  'Tis the voice of the Critic
+    I hear him complain,
+  "One more afternoon!
+    Fools! they're at it again!
+
+  These dull _Matinees_!
+    Wretched plays I must see!
+  But, alas, 'tis no play,
+    And there's no peace for me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street.
+
+THE excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the _Daily News_ the
+other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with
+respect to the Emperor of AUSTRIA. It runs thus:--
+
+    "When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood
+    of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, _the passionate huntsman_
+    said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this
+    week.'"
+
+Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first
+time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26.
+
+  HIMANTOPHYLLUMS and Cyclamens were there to be seen,
+  And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+HIGH LIFE, COMMERCIAL, TRADING, AND OTHER.
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--As supplied direct from the ancestral
+estates of His Grace the Duke of WAGOVER.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--This fashionable coal, throwing down
+a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now
+confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of
+WAGOVER, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has
+now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to
+relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the
+purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal
+supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on
+his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders
+or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover
+Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--N.B. Customers are respectfully
+invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are
+properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the
+coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a
+ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His
+Grace's own eye.
+
+       * * *
+
+THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.--These delicious breakfast-table delicacies
+(now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any
+pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble
+Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants,
+secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his
+own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of
+the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so
+increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a
+shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been
+busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from
+morning till night. An analyst, writing to the _Stethoscope_, says, "_I
+have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit.
+I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere_."
+
+       * * *
+
+THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above
+appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an
+Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies,
+whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling,
+at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred _parvenue_ who can afford to
+pay for it, the _entree_ to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable
+circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family
+connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an
+introduction.
+
+       * * *
+
+HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION
+SYNDICATE beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious
+aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social
+privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the
+following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced
+according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social
+market, are now offered for their consideration:--
+
+                                                              L _s._ _d._
+Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood
+of Belgrave Square (without introduction to Host or Hostess) 21   0   0
+
+Ditto, ditto, (with introduction)                            31  10   0
+
+Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington                1  11   6
+
+Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor,
+Royal Academician, Distinguished Literary Man, or other
+celebrity                                                    10  10   0
+
+Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of
+eight                                                        26   5   0
+
+Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements
+of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means,
+may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons,
+into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress.
+
+       * * *
+
+DINING WITH A DUCHESS.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE beg
+to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily
+securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the
+present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses
+incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one
+hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal
+introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three
+minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the
+evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of
+fifty guineas extra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GIFT HORSE."
+
+  Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine,
+    But how if the crayture is not worth its kape?
+  Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine.
+    Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape.
+  What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour?
+  We moight do that same did we not know the donor!
+
+  Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould,
+    A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch;
+  But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could,
+    And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch.
+  Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick,
+  For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick!
+
+  It looks all very well in the front, to be shure,
+    Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears,
+  But your sate in the saddle had need be secure
+    If it lash out behoind, as it _could_, oive me fears.
+  By the sowl of St. PAT. oi'd as soon risk a spill
+  From those blayguard buck-jumpers of BUFFALO BILL!
+
+  Gift horse? Oh, by jabers _that's_ not what we're afther,
+    We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance.
+  BALFOUR, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter.
+    Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance.
+  Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag,
+  Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag?
+
+  All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence;
+    But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff!
+  Ye'd loike us to take it,--and take no offence.
+    And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh.
+  It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South;
+  So, PARNELL, my boy, _take a squint at its mouth!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASTER AND FASTER.--In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats
+the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against
+those of Succi, give her a handsome _dot_, she will be known as _La
+Jeunesse Doree_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUNRAVEN. (_Verses from the Very Latest Version._)
+
+  Once on a Commission dreary sat DUNRAVEN, worn and weary.
+    Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor,
+  Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing,
+    Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score.
+  "Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar,
+                    Gently purr, and nothing more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "Be those words our sign of parting!" cried DUNRAVEN, swift upstarting;
+    "Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er,
+  We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken.
+    Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er!
+  Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?"
+                     Quoth DUNRAVEN, "Nevermore!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT!
+
+I ONLY hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last
+Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most
+suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark
+morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent
+it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun
+to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle
+Book by post.
+
+It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford
+got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course
+Hoxford wun as I proffysized.
+
+I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the
+LORD MARE at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their
+bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel
+for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of
+the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a
+disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that
+strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying
+suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to
+be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I
+bleeves means about 6 years. ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GIFT HORSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TIT FOR TAT.
+
+_Captain Pullem (having just effected a "Swop" with his Friend)._ "NOW,
+I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU, OLD MAN. THAT HORSE YOU'VE GOT FROM ME IS A
+BIT OF A CRIB-BITER!"
+
+_Friend._ "_Oh, don't mention it, Old Chap. You'll find mine to be a
+confirmed Runaway_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
+
+(_A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable
+Composer._)
+
+EXAMPLE II.--SHOWING HOW CURIOUSLY RETENTIVE IS THE LOVER'S MEMORY.
+
+  'Tis ninety years ago, love!
+    It seems but yestermorn
+  We sat upon the snow, love,
+    And watch'd the golden corn!
+  I mind the bitter wind, love--
+    I mind it well, although
+  The wind I say I mind, love,
+    Blew ninety years ago!
+
+  The plough stood on the hill, love--
+    The horse stood in the plough!
+  And both were standing still, love--
+    I seem to see them now!
+  The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love--
+    A stranger _he_ to _whoa_!
+  And so was I--but then, love,
+    'Twas ninety years ago!
+
+  The roses by the way, love,
+    Were large and, oh, so fair!
+  And so they are to-day, love,
+    For all I know--or care!
+  And softly unto thou, love,
+    While yet among the snow,
+  I breathed that fatal vow, love,
+    Of ninety years ago!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "FISHING INTERROGATORY."--"What's this new French book on angling?"
+asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and
+literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called _The Bait Humane_. I
+do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a
+hook, which is so cruel."--[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has
+heard some mention of _La Bete Humaine_.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+ADVICE to those who are about to give Easter presents--send to
+MACMILLAN'S for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as
+paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. TENNIEL'S" illustrations,
+coloured by Miss GERTRUDE THOMSON, under his direction.
+
+The _Universal Review_ is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr.
+W. L. COURTNEY, entitled, _Kit Marlowe's Death_. Mr. BOURCHIER of the
+St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his
+theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,--such, for instance,
+as "_They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows_," and "_The
+others laugh at_ NASH'S _expense_,"--are well worth all the money that
+the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In
+the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "_Count Tolstoy at
+Home_," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature,
+but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the
+_Kreutzer Sonata_ is interesting; and interesting also is the paper
+entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of
+GLOUCESTER,--henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean."
+
+Mr. ANDREW LANG in _Longman's_--or rather _Lang-man's--Magazine_, is
+still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"--[The Baron moves "that the
+words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]--and as he has recently
+been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his
+readers to learn that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order
+to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are
+undeterred by the eye of Detective RUNCIMAN. I wish success to Merry
+Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same _Lang-man's Mag._,
+Mr. VAL PRINSEP, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the
+paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame,
+continues his novel _Virginie_. In the present chapter he incidentally
+gives a description of the service of Mass in the good _Abbe Leroux's_
+parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No
+wonder "the _Abbe Leroux_ was scandalised," when the service had been
+turned topsy-turvy, the _credo_ put before the _gloria_, and a young
+person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a
+solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved
+Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile PRINSEP'S novel!
+
+In _Plain Tales from the Hills_, by Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, the jaded
+palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour.
+In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian BRET HARTE, and there is
+perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will
+be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite
+surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and
+native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already
+won a reputation for the author. Few can read _Beyond the Pale_, _The
+Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly_, _The Story of Muhammed Din_, _The Germ
+Destroyer_, and _The Madness of Private Ortheris_, for example, without
+admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and
+impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic
+conciseness.
+
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.
+
+(_The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan._)
+
+  In the intervals of Sport
+    M.P.'s vamp the country's work,
+  Therefore cut the Sessions short,
+    Supplementary Sessions shirk.
+  _Must_ have time to pot the grouse,
+    _Must_ have time to hook the salmon,
+  Spoil our Sport to help the House?
+                Gammon!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a
+highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play."
+It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the
+Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many
+applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir R-CH-RD
+W-BST-R and Sir W-LL-M H-RC-RT, to L-RD D-NR-V-N, and (last and least)
+Sir W. M-RR-TT, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims.
+Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the
+lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the
+Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry
+spite, will, on applying personally to _Mr. Punch_, be HANDSOMELY
+REWARDED!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE.
+
+[Pipe-Major MCKELLAR has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic
+story of "JESSIE BROWN of Lucknow."]
+
+  Our faith to the winds you would chuck now,
+  Concerning that Legend of Lucknow.
+        That sweet Scottish girl
+        Never heard the pipes "skirl?"
+  Come! This is mere sceptical muck now!
+
+  The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager
+  Will survive many stories much sager.
+        Our faith in the tale
+        Is confirmed, and won't fail
+  At the word of a single Pipe-Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TIME WORKS WONDERS.
+
+(_Mr. Punch's Suggestions, a propos of the recent Discussions about Mr.
+Gladstone's Head._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NOTES.
+
+I HAVE just received FLORIAN PASCAL'S Music composed for _Tra la la
+Tosca_, published by JOSEPH WILLIAMS of Berners Street. Justice was not
+done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two _morceaux_ in
+it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "_Her Eye_,"
+which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a
+contralto song, just as SULLIVAN'S charming "_Hush a bye Bacon_," in
+_Cox and Box_, became "_Birds of the Night_." Then the Gavotte in this
+book is as graceful and catching as the _Gavotte de Louis Treize_, and
+would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere.
+
+KLEIN'S _Musical Notes of the Year_, a useful and trustworthy historical
+record, was sent to me, and not "de-KLEIN'd with thanks." I have just
+heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't
+know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement;
+but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, who is now
+wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led
+on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka
+or waltz which bears the name of "_Zingit_," and which might bear on the
+wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it."
+
+(_Signed_) OTTO PICCOLO (DU CONSERVATOIRE).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HUBERT VOS requests the honour of our company at his studio near
+Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "_Sic_ Vos _non
+vobis_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "SCRATCH COMPANY."--A Cat Show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH--AND HOW HE
+RETALIATES.
+
+_She._ "OH, HE MAY BE A _GENIUS_. BUT I CONFESS I DON'T _CARE_ FOR THE
+SOCIETY OF GENIUSES!"
+
+_He._ "HOW VERY PERSONAL OF YOU! IT'S AS IF _I_ WERE TO CONFESS I DIDN'T
+CARE FOR THE SOCIETY OF HANDSOME WOMEN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE.
+
+THE application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle
+Street, made by the JEUNE PREMIER, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. KER
+GRAY, was opposed by Canon CAPEL CURE, of St. George's, Hanover Square,
+the Hymeneal Temple _par excellence_ of the Metropolis. Dr. TRISTRAM,
+with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider
+his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will
+the Minister with the sad-dog name of "KER GRAY" become the Canon's
+_bete noire_. If the decision be t'other way, then KER GRAY may twit the
+Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old
+lines of
+
+  "A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure,
+  Oh isn't he a Cure!"
+
+While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "_Old Dog Tray_."
+
+    "The chapel's far too near,
+    But p'raps another year
+  May put a stop to old KER GRAY."
+
+In the meantime, the affair being _sub (Punch-and-) judice_, we refrain
+from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SENTENCE RE-VERSED.
+
+  'Gin a body meet a body
+    On the Queen's highway,
+  And a body kiss a body,
+    Won't a body pay?
+  Mony a lassie has a temper.
+    Mony a beak is stern;
+  At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob,
+    The lesson's hard to learn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH A MATTER OF COURSE.--Cruelty to Hares.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 24._--Prince ARTHUR explained in speech
+nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In
+course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is
+furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the
+Treasury Bench, behind Prince ARTHUR, sat, on either hand, OLD MORALITY
+and JOKIM. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences
+might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some
+period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both
+pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which
+ARTHUR shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a
+coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, OLD
+MORALITY tugged at the right-hand one, and when JOKIM had a happy
+thought he hauled away on the left.
+
+As both their minds were seething with ideas, ARTHUR had a lively time
+of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was
+assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had
+been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that
+seventeen years was about the average value under Lord ASHBOURNE'S Act,
+there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in
+that direction; OLD MORALITY whispered in his ear.
+
+"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the
+instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is L1,200,000 a
+year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is
+utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How
+would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently
+agitated, and ARTHUR leaning over, JOKIM half-rising, eagerly explained
+something.)
+
+"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just
+about to show, that there would be first the L200,000 reserve fund;
+secondly, there would be the L200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly,
+L40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and L75,000 of the quarter
+per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that L1,118,000
+of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the L5,000,000, which was
+the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent
+portion of the guarantee fund, you would have L1,633,000 to meet the
+call of L1,200,000."
+
+This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of
+putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that _he_
+would have L1,633,000 to meet a call of L1,200,000, was designed to have
+soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that
+direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.
+
+"JOKIM," said HARCOURT, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We
+know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that BALFOUR shall
+bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and
+dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited
+manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle,
+that JOKIM is the father."
+
+_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill brought in.
+
+_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone
+knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it
+should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell
+Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass
+Vote of Thanks. LAWSON wants to know whether OLD MORALITY has conveyed
+the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply?
+Question put without notice. Rather startles OLD MORALITY. Fact is,
+never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of
+passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in
+and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk,
+by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these
+questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of
+Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might
+probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared
+every morning. OLD MORALITY moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of
+despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not
+to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no
+escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic
+manner, and speaking in solemn tones, OLD MORALITY said, "Mr. SPEAKER,
+Sir, it is no part of my duty to the QUEEN and country to convey to
+anybody a Resolution of this House."
+
+[Illustration: "Where's the Vote of Thanks?"]
+
+LAWSON up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked SPEAKER whether _he_
+had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; SPEAKER had had no
+instructions on the matter.
+
+Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not
+the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various
+people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder
+Brother DAY, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his
+heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges
+on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the
+distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with
+copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and
+behold! they have never had it at all!
+
+House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh,
+ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned
+with affectation of keen interest to question raised by MUNDELLA of
+iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of
+York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing
+eloquence of HART DYKE, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before
+Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of
+thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of
+neglect; HANNEN taking on a sterner aspect; SMITH affecting a perky
+indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother DAY ever stealing
+the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from
+scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine.
+
+_Thursday._--"Talk about DIZZY," said HARCOURT, perhaps not without some
+tinge of envy, "if OLD MORALITY goes on in this style, DIZZY won't be in
+it for persiflage."
+
+House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear HARCOURT'S whisper. JOHN
+MORLEY began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5
+Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been
+seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted
+Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. COURTNEY put
+Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition
+was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill
+knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to
+every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and
+say, "Aye," when COURTNEY asked him should he knock off another fifty
+Clauses?
+
+When it was over, JOHN MORLEY rose, and gravely expressed hope that OLD
+MORALITY would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition
+persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by
+leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for OLD MORALITY, prone
+to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in
+performing duty to QUEEN and country by obstruction of Members opposite.
+
+"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "JOHN'S got him there. A hit, a
+palpable hit!"
+
+But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of OLD MORALITY. Rose from
+other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell
+all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility
+for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite
+flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more
+than OLD MORALITY. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his
+face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his
+portly body gently shook with laughter.
+
+"Ah!" said J. G. TALBOT, mournfully regarding him through his
+spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke.
+
+Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. PICTON rallied scattered forces of
+Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence;
+trenormous energy.
+
+"Reminds me," said Admiral FIELD, "of his grandfather, General PICTON,
+who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade
+of Marines there, you know; attached to PICTON'S Division. Never look on
+Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and
+the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear.
+
+PICTON reminded HICKS-BEACH of someone else--"his great predecessor in
+spoliation, HENRY THE EIGHTH."
+
+"Yes, but better looking," said PLUNKET, always ready to put in a kind
+word.
+
+_Business done._--Tithes Bill Debate.
+
+[Illustration: Tearing up the Tithes.]
+
+_Friday Night._--Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of
+depressing the human mind, acted upon CRANBORNE like electric shock.
+Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in
+favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he
+"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the
+piratical PICTON and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case
+the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to
+seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question?
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes
+against 164.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A (NOT) AT HOME."--Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated
+paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a
+certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel
+departure should be useful as a precedent to the _creme de la creme_ of
+suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be
+expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence"
+columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:--"On Thursday last
+Mr. and Mrs. MADEIRA TOP-FLOOR SMITHIES entertained a small and select
+party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace,
+Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the
+Prince of TECK, the Duke of WESTMINSTER, Lady BURDETT-COUTTS, and the
+LORD CHANCELLOR. In the general circle, Lord CROSS, the Countess of
+CLARENDON, and the Bishop of LONDON, were also conspicuous by their
+absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of CAMBRIDGE nor Mr.
+GLADSTONE were expected to join the company before the close of the
+entertainment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER SCARCELY A LA ROOSE.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am a poor man, but I
+like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and
+yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method.
+I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot
+of _pate de foies gras_, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted
+cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find that I can
+eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not
+make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a
+picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad
+one--but that is a matter of detail.
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+  THE FOUNDER OF THE MORE-THAN-ENOUGH SOCIETY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UTOPIAN.--Neither noise, vibration, nor dust! That's what the BRAMWELLS,
+the WATKINS, and the GALTONS claim for that partly-developed but
+promising--much promising--invention of M. GIRARD'S, the _Chemin de Fer
+Glissant_, or Sliding Railway. _What_ a happy ideal! By all means, "Let
+it slide!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHANCE FOR A NEW MEMBER.--"Rookeries," said Mr. HENRY LAZARUS in his
+evidence at Marylebone, "abound in St. Pancras, and it is a scandal to
+civilisation that they should continue to exist." Now, Mr. BOLTON, M.P.,
+can't you have your legal and parliamentary finger in this Rook pie?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+98, APRIL 5, 1890***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 30492.txt or 30492.zip *******
+
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