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diff --git a/old/30492.txt b/old/30492.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cbbe936 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/30492.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1737 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +April 5, 1890, by Various, Edited by Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, April 5, 1890 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: November 17, 2009 [eBook #30492] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 98, APRIL 5, 1890*** + + +E-text prepared by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 30492-h.htm or 30492-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h/30492-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30492/30492-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98 + +APRIL 5, 1890. + + + + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel +appearance_;" _i.e._, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman. + +"_A powerful-looking fellow_;" _i.e._, An awful ruffian. + +"_A rumour has reached us_"--(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses +wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves). + +"_Nothing fresh has transpired_;" _i.e._, The local Reporter's invention +is at last exhausted. + +"_The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which +he was placed_;" _i.e._, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his +knuckles. + +"_The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour_;" _i.e._, The +Reporter left early. + +SOCIAL. + +"_I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music_;" _i.e._, I'm not going +to throw away my singing on these people. + +"_Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know +you were in Town_;" _i.e._, By which I wish her to understand that I +hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (_for which I +had received no invitation_) that appeared in last Thursday's _Morning +Post_. + +"_Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage_;" +_i.e._, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of +your way. + +FOR SHOW SUNDAY. + +"_Shall you have many Pictures in this year?_" _i.e._, He'll jump for +joy if he gets one in. + +"_Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?_" +_i.e._, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show. + +"_By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?_" +_i.e._, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual! + +"_What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle +Ideal treatment, so different, &c., &c.?_" _i.e._, 'Tisn't like anything +on earth. + +"_Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll +create a sensation!_" _i.e._, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I +may as well be in it. + +"_Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with +it?_" _i.e._, I should hope not--for MILLAIS' sake. + +"_Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?_" _i.e._, +His picture is. + +"_Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old +man_;" _i.e._, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow. + +"_My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet_;" _i.e._, Dull +skies and dowdy peasants! + +"_Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a +laugh out of_;" _i.e._, Or at! + +AUCTIONEERING. + +"_Every Modern Convenience_;" _i.e._, Electric-bells and disconnected +drain-pipes. + +"_Cheap and Commodious Flat_;" _i.e._, Seven small square rooms, with no +outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion. + +"_A Desirable Residence_;" _i.e._, To get out of. + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are +engaged_;" _i.e._, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all +right. + +"_Our great Leader_;" _i.e._, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will +give me time to think." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL ECONOMY. + +_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I'M WRITING TO ASK THE BROWNS TO MEET THE JONESES HERE +AT DINNER, AND TO THE JONESES TO MEET THE BROWNS. WE OWE THEM BOTH, YOU +KNOW." + +_Mr. Scrooge._ "BUT I'VE HEARD THEY'VE JUST QUARRELLED, AND DON'T +SPEAK!" + +_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I KNOW. THEY'LL REFUSE, AND WE NEEDN'T GIVE A DINNER +PARTY AT ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +"MY CURATE." + + [The _Law Times_ mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and + good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My + Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a + Solicitor.] + +SCENE--_Drowsiham Vicarage._ Vicar _and Family discovered seated at +breakfast-table. Time--Present._ + +_The Vicar._ I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's _Church +Papers_, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the +post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest +respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my +own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed." + +_Elder Daughter (giddily)._ Pa! Have any of them sent photos? + +_Vicar._ Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose +_cartes-de-visite_ with testimonials. + +_Younger Daughter._ Now I shall be able to fill up my Album! + +_Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures)._ This +is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass, +and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young! + +_Younger Daughter (thoughtfully)._ It's a pity we can't lay in _two_ +Curates while we are about it. + +_Vicar._ Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what +he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as +candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of +their photographs. + +_Elder Daughter (reading)._ "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views! +Here's something better--"Very Musical Voice"--the _darling_! He _looks_ +as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen +minutes in preaching." Delicious! + +_Vicar's Wife._ I don't know if the parishioners will like _that_. + +_Both Daughters (together)._ But _we_ shall! + +_Elder Daughter (continues reading)._ "Quite content to preach only in +the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What _does_ he +mean? + +_Vicar (cordially)._ I know! I think he'll do very well. _Just_ the sort +of man I want! + +_Elder Daughter._ Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and +twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet! + +_Younger Daughter._ Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him _at once_! + +_Elder Daughter (turning pale)._ Stop! What is this? "Very steady and +respectable. _Has been engaged to be married for past three years!_" +Call _him_ engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch! + +_Younger Daughter._ A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him, +Pa? + +_Vicar (meditatively)._ I might--in the Archbishop's Court. Really this +new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely +to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at! +[_Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber._ + + * * * * * + +_SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER_ has been announced as in preparation at the +Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss MARY MOORE v. Miss WINIFRED EMERY as +_Miss Hardcastle_. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not +run it at both Houses?--and, to decide, call in a jury of "the +GOLDSMITH'S Company." + + * * * * * + +THE MAYFAIR ROW.--GOODE, BAIRD, and very indifferent. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST. + +_A Song of the Situation._ _AIR--"The King and I"._ _Socialist Workman +sings_:-- + +_Emperor._ "I'M ONE OF YOU!" _Socialist._ "ALL RIGHT, MATE. THEN--TAKE +OFF YOUR CROWN!"] + + The Kaiser swears that he can work; + So can I! So can I! + Strain and long hours he will not shirk. + Nor do I, nor do I. + But he may work at his sweet will; + So they say, so they say. + Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill; + A long day, a long day! + So there's _some_ difference I see + Betwixt the Emperor and me. + + He hath his army and his ships; + Great are they! Great are they! + Their price, which my lean pocket nips, + I must pay, I must pay. + Yet here he comes to grip my hand; + That's his plan, that's his plan; + And at my side to take his stand, + Working-man, working-man! + Strange that such likeness there should be + Betwixt the Emperor and me! + + BISMARCK, it seems, he does not trust; + Nor do I, nor do I. + He thinks the toiler's claims are just; + So do I, so do I. + He's called a Conference of Kings, + Novel scheme, novel scheme! + To talk of Socialistic things-- + Pleasant dream, pleasant dream! + What difference, now, would KARL MARX see + Betwixt my Emperor and me? + + The "International" they banned. + _That_ was vile, _that_ was vile. + But now a similar thing _they've_ planned, + Makes me smile, makes me smile. + Labour world-over they'll discuss, + Far and near, far and near. + Will it all end in futile fuss? + That's my fear, that's my fear. + A difference of view I see + Betwixt the Emperor and me. + + But here he comes to grip my fist, + Fair and free, fair and free. + Thinks he the chance I can't resist? + We shall see, we shall see. + I wear the Cap and he the Crown-- + Awkward gear, awkward gear! + Is he content to put it down? + No, I fear; no, I fear. + If Workman I as Workman he, + Perhaps he'll just change hats with me! + + * * * * * + +THE FRENCH GALLERY.--Oddly enough the French Gallery contains but a +small proportion of French pictures. Possibly Mr. WALLIS thinks it is +not high-bred to appear too long in a French _role_--perhaps he fancies +the public would get crusty or the critics might have him "on toast." +Anyhow, he has taken French leave to do as he pleases, and the result is +very satisfactory. He does not lose our Frenchship by the change. There +are three remarkable pictures by Prof. FRITZ VON UHDE, and two by Prof. +MAX LIEBERMANN, which ought to make a sensation, and there is an +excellent MUNKACSY, besides a varied collection of foreign pictures. + + * * * * * + +MR. HENRY BLACKBURN, author of that annually useful work, _Academy +Notes_, is announced to give lectures at Kensington Town Hall, April 13. +One of his subjects, "Sketching in Sunshine," will be very interesting +to a Londoner. First catch your sunshine: then sketch. Mr. BLACKBURN +will be illuminated by oxy-hydrogen; he will thus appear as Mr. +White-burn; so altogether a light entertainment. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE "ZOO." + +_Arabella._ "OH, AUG----MR. BROWN, LET'S GO TO THE APEIARY. I THINK THE +MONKEYS ARE SUCH FUN!" [_He did not Propose that afternoon!_]] + + * * * * * + +THE WAY TO THE TEMPLE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, _Willesden Junction._ + +Having been assured by a Phrenologist that my bump of locality is very +highly developed, I attempted the other day--although a perfect stranger +to London--to walk from Charing Cross to the Temple without inquiring +the route. I had absolutely no assistance but a small map of Surbiton +and the neighbourhood, from which I had calculated the general lie of +the country, and a plain, ordinary compass, which I had bought cheap +because it had lost its pointer. I am not sure that the route I took was +the most direct. But when, after several hours' walk, I found myself at +Willesden Junction, I was assured by a boy in the district, whom I +asked, that I could not possibly have gone straighter. He advised me to +take a ticket at once for Chalk Farm, as I still had some way to go, and +said that he thought I might have to change at Battersea. He was a nice, +bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily. + +I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not +yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they +have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have +camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a +train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated, +and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I +would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright +little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two +other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much +amused--probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, _Mr. +Punch_, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very +well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but +these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to +less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country. + +But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important. +There ought to be a great many more doors _into_ the refreshment-room, +and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm +by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it +should certainly be made--by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic +pressure--to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted +to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must +be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to +take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, _Mr. Punch_, + +Your humble and obedient Servant, PHRENITIC. + + * * * * * + +UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. (_New "Physical Examination" Style._) + +OXFORD, _April 1, 1890_. + +THE Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of +Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical +exhibition of several physical _tours de force_ on the spare ground at +the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning. +Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the +Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of +Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or +before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize +Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to be +practically and personally illustrated by several feats of the +successful candidate himself, will be "_Leap Year_." + + * * * * * + +LIGHT AND AYRY. + + Rejected! in bad grammar I declare + I can't forget this year, nor yet that Ayr! + + * * * * * + +THE RECORDING ANGEL IN THE HOUSE, OR THE GAL IN THE GALLERY.--"_Que +diable allait-elle faire dans cette 'galerie.'_" + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. VII.--THE PATRON OF SPORT. + +IN order to qualify properly for the patronage of sport, a man must +finally abandon any vestiges of refinement which may remain to him after +a youth spent mainly in the use of strong language, and the abuse of +strong drink. The future patron, who has enjoyed for some years the +advantages of a neglected training in the privacy of the domestic +circle, will have been sent to a public school. Like a vicious book, he +will soon have been "called in," though not until he has been cut by +those who may have been brought in contact with him. Having thus left +his school for his school's good, he will find no difficulty in +persuading his parents that the high spirits of an ingenuous youth, +however distasteful they may have been to the ridiculous prejudices of a +pedantic Head Master, are certain to be properly appreciated by the +officers of a crack Regiment. He will, therefore, decide to enter the +Army, and after pursuing his arduous studies for some time at the +various Music Halls and drinking saloons of the Metropolis, he will +administer a public reproof to the Civil Service Commissioners, by +declining on two separate occasions to pass the examination for +admission into Sandhurst. + +He will then inform his father that he is heavily in debt, and, having +borrowed money from his tailor, he will disappear from the parental ken, +to turn up again, after a week, without his watch, his scarf-pin, or his +studs. This freak will be accepted by his relatives as a convincing +proof of his fitness for a financial career, and he will shortly be +transferred to the City as Clerk to a firm of Stockbrokers. Here his +versatile talents will have full scope. He will manage to reconcile a +somewhat lax attention to the details of business with a strict +regularity in his attendance at suburban race-meetings. Nothing will be +allowed to stand in his way when he pursues the shadow of pleasure +through the most devious windings into the lowest haunts. For him the +resources of dissipation are never exhausted. Pot-houses provide him +with cocktails, restaurants furnish him with elaborate dinners, tailors +array him in fine clothes, hosiers collar him up to the chin, and cover +his breast with immaculate fronts. The master-pieces of West-End +jewellers, hatters, and boot-makers, sparkle on various portions of his +person; he finds in a lady step-dancer a goddess, and in _Ruff's Guide_ +a Bible; he sups, he swears, he drinks, and he gambles, and, finally, he +attains to the summit of earthly felicity by finding himself mentioned +under a nickname in the paragraphs of a sporting organ. + +Having about the same time engaged in a midnight brawl with an +undersized and middle-aged cabman, he appears the next morning in a +Police Court, and, after being fined forty shillings, is hailed as a +hero by his companions, and recognised as a genuine Patron of Sport by +the world at large. Henceforward his position is assured. He becomes the +boon companion of Music-hall Chairmen, and lives on terms of intimate +vulgarity with Money-lenders, who find that it pays to take a low +interest in the pleasures, in order the more easily to obtain a high +interest on the borrowings, of reckless young men. + +[Illustration] + +In company with these associates, and with others of more or less +repute, the Patron of Sport sets the seal to his patronage by becoming a +member of a so-called Sporting Club, at which professional pugilists +batter one another in order to provide excitement for a mixed assemblage +of coarse and brainless rowdies and the feeble toadies who dance +attendance upon them. Here the Patron is at his best and noblest. Though +he has never worn a glove in anger, nor indeed taken the smallest part +in any genuine athletic exercise, he is as free with his opinions as he +is unsparing of the adjectives wherewith he adorns them. He talks +learnedly of "upper-cuts" and "cross-counters," and grows humorous over +"mouse-traps," "pile-drivers on the mark," and "the flow of the ruby." +Having absorbed four whiskeys-and-soda, he will observe that +"if a fellow refuses to train properly, he must expect to be +receiver-general," and, after lighting his tenth cigar as a tribute, +presumably, to the lung power of the combatants, will indulge in some +moody reflections on the decay of British valour and the general +degeneracy of Englishmen. He will then drink liqueur brandy out of a +claret glass, and, having slapped a sporting solicitor on the back and +dug in the ribs a gentleman jockey who has been warned off the course, +he will tread on the toes of an inoffensive stranger who has allowed +himself to be elected a member of the Club under the mistaken impression +that it was the home of sportsmen and the sanctuary of honest boxers. +After duly characterising the stranger's eyes and his awkwardness, the +Patron will resume his seat near the ropes, and will stare vacuously at +the brilliant gathering of touts, loafers, parasites, usurers, +book-makers, broken-down racing men, seedy soldiers, and over-fed City +men who are assembled round the room. Inspired by their society with the +conviction that he is assisting in an important capacity in the revival +of a manly sport, he will adjust his hat on the back of his head, rap +with his gold-headed cane upon the floor, and call "Time!"--a humorous +sally which is always much appreciated, especially when the ring is +empty. After witnessing the first three rounds of the next competition, +he will rise to depart, and observing a looking-glass, will excite the +laughter of his friends and the admiration of the waiters by sparring +one round with his own reflection, finally falling into the arms of a +companion, whom he adjures not to mind him, but to sponge up the other +fellow. + +After this exploit a supper-club receives him, and he is made much of by +those of both sexes who are content to thrive temporarily on the money +of a friend. He will then drive a hansom through the streets, and, +having knocked over a hot potato-stall, he will compensate the +proprietor with a round of oaths and a five-pound note. + +In appearance the Patron of Sport is unwholesome. The bloom of youth +vanished from his face before he ceased to be a boy; he assumes the worn +and sallow mask of age before he has fairly begun to be a man. His hair +is thin, and is carefully flattened by the aid of unguents, his dress is +flashy, his moustache thick. In order the more closely to imitate a true +sportsman, he wears a baggy overcoat, with large buttons. Yet he abhors +all kinds of honest exercise, and, in the days of his prosperity, keeps +a small brougham with yellow wheels. Soon after he reaches the age of +thirty, he begins to feel the effects of his variegated life. He fails +in landing a big _coup_ on the Stock Exchange, and loses much money over +a Newmarket meeting, in which he plunges on a succession of rank +outsiders, whom a set of rascals, more cunning than himself, have +represented to him as certainties. His position on the Stock Exchange +becomes shaky, and he attempts to restore it by embarking with a gang of +needy rogues on a first-class "roping" transaction, in connection with a +prize-fight in Spain. Having, however, been exposed, he is shunned by +most of those who only heard of the swindle when it was too late to join +in it. + +This is the beginning of the end. He becomes careless of his appearance; +with the decrease of his means his coats become shiny, and his cuffs +more and more frayed. Eventually he falls into a state of sodden +imbecility, relieved by occasional flashes of delirium tremens, and dies +at the age of thirty-six, regretted by nobody except the faithful +bull-dog, whose silver collar was the last thing he pawned. + + * * * * * + +A New Opera (in Preparation). + +_Librettist._ Now here's a grand effect. They all say, "We swear!" Then +there's a magnificent "Oath Chorus!" How do you propose to treat that? + +_Composer._ Oath Chorus? In D Major. + + * * * * * + +A PAGE FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.--So far so good. Got rid of the Grand +Old Chancellor and the rest of _that_ crew--without much of a row! Been +civil to my English Uncle, the Pope and the Democrats. Can't be idle, so +what shall I do next? Why not take a trip to America where I might stand +for President? If I propose extending trip to Salt Lake, would have to +go _en garcon_. Or I might see if I could not get a little further than +STANLEY in Africa. When I returned might write a book to be called, _The +Extra Deep-Edged Black Continent_. Or why not turn painter? With a +little practice would soon cut out all the Old Masters, native and +foreign. And if I gave my mind to poetry, why GOETHE and HEINE would be +simply nowhere! How about horse-racing? A Berlin Derby Day would make my +English cousins "sit up." And sermons, there's something to be done in +sermons! I believe I could compose as good a discourse as any of my +Court chaplains. And then, possibly, I might be qualified to do that +which would satisfy the sharpest craving of my loftiest ambition--_I +might write for Punch!_ + + [So he shall. He shall "write for _Punch_," enclosing stamps, and + the Number shall be sent to him by return.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +PLAY-TIME. + +SINCE the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't +see the _premiere_, Mr. SUGDEN must have immensely improved his +_Touchstone_. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I +saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly +discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital +_Audrey_, Miss MARION LEA, and with _William_, were uncommonly good. I +confess I was surprised. Mr. BOURCHIER--but now an amateur, now +thus--gives _Jaques'_ immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a +thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the +absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical +recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. LANGTRY'S +_Rosalind_ is charming, her scenes with _Orlando_ being as pretty a +piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a +pretty Lamb is she they call BEATRICE who plays _Phoebe_! What a +sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To +witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as +if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a +while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the +forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom, +under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful. + +I was curious to see how ALEXANDER "the (Getting) Great" would comport +himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto +been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public +and his admirers--the terms are synonymous--may breathe again. ALEXANDER +is surprisingly good as _Dr. Bill_, and the serious earnestness with +which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications. +And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be +none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer, +author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. HAMILTON +AIDE!! "Sir," in future will HAMILTON AIDE say, when being interviewed +by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled----" +"Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like +'_Dr. Bill_,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his +tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give +him in the other. I back the _argumentum ad pocketum_ against the Tragic +Muse. + +[Illustration: The Kan-Kan (-garoo) Dance.] + +How capitally it is played! Miss BROUGH excellent; and so also is Mr. +CHEVALIER, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is +not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming +housemaid is pretty Miss MARIE LINDEN; and the idiotic youth, _George +Webster_, played by Mr. BENJAMIN WEBSTER,--two Websters rolled into +one,--is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I +congratulate ALEXANDER the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons, +I should like to be, were I not + +DIOGENES OUT OF THE TUB. + + * * * * * + +The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic. + + 'Tis the voice of the Critic + I hear him complain, + "One more afternoon! + Fools! they're at it again! + + These dull _Matinees_! + Wretched plays I must see! + But, alas, 'tis no play, + And there's no peace for me!" + + * * * * * + +"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street. + +THE excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the _Daily News_ the +other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with +respect to the Emperor of AUSTRIA. It runs thus:-- + + "When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood + of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, _the passionate huntsman_ + said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this + week.'" + +Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first +time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe. + + * * * * * + +AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26. + + HIMANTOPHYLLUMS and Cyclamens were there to be seen, + And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +HIGH LIFE, COMMERCIAL, TRADING, AND OTHER. + +THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--As supplied direct from the ancestral +estates of His Grace the Duke of WAGOVER. + + * * * + +THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--This fashionable coal, throwing down +a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now +confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of +WAGOVER, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has +now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to +relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the +purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal +supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on +his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders +or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover +Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W. + + * * * + +THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--N.B. Customers are respectfully +invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are +properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the +coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a +ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His +Grace's own eye. + + * * * + +THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.--These delicious breakfast-table delicacies +(now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any +pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble +Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants, +secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his +own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of +the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so +increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a +shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been +busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from +morning till night. An analyst, writing to the _Stethoscope_, says, "_I +have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit. +I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere_." + + * * * + +THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above +appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an +Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies, +whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling, +at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred _parvenue_ who can afford to +pay for it, the _entree_ to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable +circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family +connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an +introduction. + + * * * + +HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION +SYNDICATE beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious +aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social +privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the +following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced +according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social +market, are now offered for their consideration:-- + + L _s._ _d._ +Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood +of Belgrave Square (without introduction to Host or Hostess) 21 0 0 + +Ditto, ditto, (with introduction) 31 10 0 + +Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington 1 11 6 + +Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor, +Royal Academician, Distinguished Literary Man, or other +celebrity 10 10 0 + +Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of +eight 26 5 0 + +Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements +of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means, +may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons, +into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress. + + * * * + +DINING WITH A DUCHESS.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE beg +to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily +securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the +present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses +incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one +hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal +introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three +minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the +evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of +fifty guineas extra. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.] + + * * * * * + +"THE GIFT HORSE." + + Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine, + But how if the crayture is not worth its kape? + Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine. + Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape. + What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour? + We moight do that same did we not know the donor! + + Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould, + A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch; + But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could, + And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch. + Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick, + For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick! + + It looks all very well in the front, to be shure, + Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears, + But your sate in the saddle had need be secure + If it lash out behoind, as it _could_, oive me fears. + By the sowl of St. PAT. oi'd as soon risk a spill + From those blayguard buck-jumpers of BUFFALO BILL! + + Gift horse? Oh, by jabers _that's_ not what we're afther, + We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance. + BALFOUR, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter. + Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance. + Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag, + Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag? + + All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence; + But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff! + Ye'd loike us to take it,--and take no offence. + And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh. + It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South; + So, PARNELL, my boy, _take a squint at its mouth!_ + + * * * * * + +FASTER AND FASTER.--In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats +the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against +those of Succi, give her a handsome _dot_, she will be known as _La +Jeunesse Doree_. + + * * * * * + +DUNRAVEN. (_Verses from the Very Latest Version._) + + Once on a Commission dreary sat DUNRAVEN, worn and weary. + Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor, + Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing, + Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score. + "Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar, + Gently purr, and nothing more." + + * * * * * + + "Be those words our sign of parting!" cried DUNRAVEN, swift upstarting; + "Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er, + We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken. + Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er! + Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?" + Quoth DUNRAVEN, "Nevermore!" + + * * * * * + +ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT! + +I ONLY hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last +Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most +suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark +morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent +it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun +to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle +Book by post. + +It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford +got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course +Hoxford wun as I proffysized. + +I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the +LORD MARE at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their +bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel +for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of +the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a +disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that +strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying +suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to +be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I +bleeves means about 6 years. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE GIFT HORSE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TIT FOR TAT. + +_Captain Pullem (having just effected a "Swop" with his Friend)._ "NOW, +I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU, OLD MAN. THAT HORSE YOU'VE GOT FROM ME IS A +BIT OF A CRIB-BITER!" + +_Friend._ "_Oh, don't mention it, Old Chap. You'll find mine to be a +confirmed Runaway_!"] + + * * * * * + +SONG SENTIMENTIANA. + +(_A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable +Composer._) + +EXAMPLE II.--SHOWING HOW CURIOUSLY RETENTIVE IS THE LOVER'S MEMORY. + + 'Tis ninety years ago, love! + It seems but yestermorn + We sat upon the snow, love, + And watch'd the golden corn! + I mind the bitter wind, love-- + I mind it well, although + The wind I say I mind, love, + Blew ninety years ago! + + The plough stood on the hill, love-- + The horse stood in the plough! + And both were standing still, love-- + I seem to see them now! + The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love-- + A stranger _he_ to _whoa_! + And so was I--but then, love, + 'Twas ninety years ago! + + The roses by the way, love, + Were large and, oh, so fair! + And so they are to-day, love, + For all I know--or care! + And softly unto thou, love, + While yet among the snow, + I breathed that fatal vow, love, + Of ninety years ago! + + * * * * * + +A "FISHING INTERROGATORY."--"What's this new French book on angling?" +asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and +literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called _The Bait Humane_. I +do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a +hook, which is so cruel."--[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has +heard some mention of _La Bete Humaine_.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +ADVICE to those who are about to give Easter presents--send to +MACMILLAN'S for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as +paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. TENNIEL'S" illustrations, +coloured by Miss GERTRUDE THOMSON, under his direction. + +The _Universal Review_ is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr. +W. L. COURTNEY, entitled, _Kit Marlowe's Death_. Mr. BOURCHIER of the +St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his +theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,--such, for instance, +as "_They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows_," and "_The +others laugh at_ NASH'S _expense_,"--are well worth all the money that +the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In +the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "_Count Tolstoy at +Home_," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature, +but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the +_Kreutzer Sonata_ is interesting; and interesting also is the paper +entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of +GLOUCESTER,--henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean." + +Mr. ANDREW LANG in _Longman's_--or rather _Lang-man's--Magazine_, is +still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"--[The Baron moves "that the +words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]--and as he has recently +been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his +readers to learn that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order +to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are +undeterred by the eye of Detective RUNCIMAN. I wish success to Merry +Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same _Lang-man's Mag._, +Mr. VAL PRINSEP, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the +paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame, +continues his novel _Virginie_. In the present chapter he incidentally +gives a description of the service of Mass in the good _Abbe Leroux's_ +parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No +wonder "the _Abbe Leroux_ was scandalised," when the service had been +turned topsy-turvy, the _credo_ put before the _gloria_, and a young +person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a +solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved +Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile PRINSEP'S novel! + +In _Plain Tales from the Hills_, by Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, the jaded +palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour. +In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian BRET HARTE, and there is +perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will +be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite +surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and +native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already +won a reputation for the author. Few can read _Beyond the Pale_, _The +Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly_, _The Story of Muhammed Din_, _The Germ +Destroyer_, and _The Madness of Private Ortheris_, for example, without +admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and +impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic +conciseness. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +THE ROOT OF THE MATTER. + +(_The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan._) + + In the intervals of Sport + M.P.'s vamp the country's work, + Therefore cut the Sessions short, + Supplementary Sessions shirk. + _Must_ have time to pot the grouse, + _Must_ have time to hook the salmon, + Spoil our Sport to help the House? + Gammon!!! + + * * * * * + +LOST, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a +highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play." +It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the +Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many +applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir R-CH-RD +W-BST-R and Sir W-LL-M H-RC-RT, to L-RD D-NR-V-N, and (last and least) +Sir W. M-RR-TT, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims. +Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the +lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the +Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry +spite, will, on applying personally to _Mr. Punch_, be HANDSOMELY +REWARDED!!! + + * * * * * + +PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE. + +[Pipe-Major MCKELLAR has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic +story of "JESSIE BROWN of Lucknow."] + + Our faith to the winds you would chuck now, + Concerning that Legend of Lucknow. + That sweet Scottish girl + Never heard the pipes "skirl?" + Come! This is mere sceptical muck now! + + The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager + Will survive many stories much sager. + Our faith in the tale + Is confirmed, and won't fail + At the word of a single Pipe-Major. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TIME WORKS WONDERS. + +(_Mr. Punch's Suggestions, a propos of the recent Discussions about Mr. +Gladstone's Head._)] + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTES. + +I HAVE just received FLORIAN PASCAL'S Music composed for _Tra la la +Tosca_, published by JOSEPH WILLIAMS of Berners Street. Justice was not +done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two _morceaux_ in +it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "_Her Eye_," +which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a +contralto song, just as SULLIVAN'S charming "_Hush a bye Bacon_," in +_Cox and Box_, became "_Birds of the Night_." Then the Gavotte in this +book is as graceful and catching as the _Gavotte de Louis Treize_, and +would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere. + +KLEIN'S _Musical Notes of the Year_, a useful and trustworthy historical +record, was sent to me, and not "de-KLEIN'd with thanks." I have just +heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't +know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement; +but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, who is now +wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led +on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka +or waltz which bears the name of "_Zingit_," and which might bear on the +wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it." + +(_Signed_) OTTO PICCOLO (DU CONSERVATOIRE). + + * * * * * + +Mr. HUBERT VOS requests the honour of our company at his studio near +Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "_Sic_ Vos _non +vobis_." + + * * * * * + +A "SCRATCH COMPANY."--A Cat Show. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH--AND HOW HE +RETALIATES. + +_She._ "OH, HE MAY BE A _GENIUS_. BUT I CONFESS I DON'T _CARE_ FOR THE +SOCIETY OF GENIUSES!" + +_He._ "HOW VERY PERSONAL OF YOU! IT'S AS IF _I_ WERE TO CONFESS I DIDN'T +CARE FOR THE SOCIETY OF HANDSOME WOMEN!"] + + * * * * * + +WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE. + +THE application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle +Street, made by the JEUNE PREMIER, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. KER +GRAY, was opposed by Canon CAPEL CURE, of St. George's, Hanover Square, +the Hymeneal Temple _par excellence_ of the Metropolis. Dr. TRISTRAM, +with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider +his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will +the Minister with the sad-dog name of "KER GRAY" become the Canon's +_bete noire_. If the decision be t'other way, then KER GRAY may twit the +Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old +lines of + + "A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure, + Oh isn't he a Cure!" + +While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "_Old Dog Tray_." + + "The chapel's far too near, + But p'raps another year + May put a stop to old KER GRAY." + +In the meantime, the affair being _sub (Punch-and-) judice_, we refrain +from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen. + + * * * * * + +SENTENCE RE-VERSED. + + 'Gin a body meet a body + On the Queen's highway, + And a body kiss a body, + Won't a body pay? + Mony a lassie has a temper. + Mony a beak is stern; + At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob, + The lesson's hard to learn. + + * * * * * + +TOO MUCH A MATTER OF COURSE.--Cruelty to Hares. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 24._--Prince ARTHUR explained in speech +nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In +course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is +furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the +Treasury Bench, behind Prince ARTHUR, sat, on either hand, OLD MORALITY +and JOKIM. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences +might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some +period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both +pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which +ARTHUR shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a +coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, OLD +MORALITY tugged at the right-hand one, and when JOKIM had a happy +thought he hauled away on the left. + +As both their minds were seething with ideas, ARTHUR had a lively time +of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was +assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had +been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that +seventeen years was about the average value under Lord ASHBOURNE'S Act, +there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in +that direction; OLD MORALITY whispered in his ear. + +"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the +instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is L1,200,000 a +year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is +utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How +would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently +agitated, and ARTHUR leaning over, JOKIM half-rising, eagerly explained +something.) + +"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just +about to show, that there would be first the L200,000 reserve fund; +secondly, there would be the L200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly, +L40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and L75,000 of the quarter +per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that L1,118,000 +of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the L5,000,000, which was +the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent +portion of the guarantee fund, you would have L1,633,000 to meet the +call of L1,200,000." + +This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of +putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that _he_ +would have L1,633,000 to meet a call of L1,200,000, was designed to have +soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that +direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment. + +"JOKIM," said HARCOURT, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We +know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that BALFOUR shall +bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and +dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited +manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle, +that JOKIM is the father." + +_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill brought in. + +_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone +knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it +should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell +Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass +Vote of Thanks. LAWSON wants to know whether OLD MORALITY has conveyed +the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply? +Question put without notice. Rather startles OLD MORALITY. Fact is, +never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of +passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in +and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk, +by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these +questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of +Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might +probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared +every morning. OLD MORALITY moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of +despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not +to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no +escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic +manner, and speaking in solemn tones, OLD MORALITY said, "Mr. SPEAKER, +Sir, it is no part of my duty to the QUEEN and country to convey to +anybody a Resolution of this House." + +[Illustration: "Where's the Vote of Thanks?"] + +LAWSON up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked SPEAKER whether _he_ +had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; SPEAKER had had no +instructions on the matter. + +Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not +the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various +people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder +Brother DAY, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his +heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges +on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the +distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with +copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and +behold! they have never had it at all! + +House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh, +ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned +with affectation of keen interest to question raised by MUNDELLA of +iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of +York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing +eloquence of HART DYKE, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before +Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of +thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of +neglect; HANNEN taking on a sterner aspect; SMITH affecting a perky +indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother DAY ever stealing +the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from +scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine. + +_Thursday._--"Talk about DIZZY," said HARCOURT, perhaps not without some +tinge of envy, "if OLD MORALITY goes on in this style, DIZZY won't be in +it for persiflage." + +House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear HARCOURT'S whisper. JOHN +MORLEY began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5 +Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been +seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted +Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. COURTNEY put +Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition +was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill +knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to +every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and +say, "Aye," when COURTNEY asked him should he knock off another fifty +Clauses? + +When it was over, JOHN MORLEY rose, and gravely expressed hope that OLD +MORALITY would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition +persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by +leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for OLD MORALITY, prone +to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in +performing duty to QUEEN and country by obstruction of Members opposite. + +"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "JOHN'S got him there. A hit, a +palpable hit!" + +But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of OLD MORALITY. Rose from +other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell +all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility +for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite +flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more +than OLD MORALITY. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his +face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his +portly body gently shook with laughter. + +"Ah!" said J. G. TALBOT, mournfully regarding him through his +spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke. + +Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. PICTON rallied scattered forces of +Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence; +trenormous energy. + +"Reminds me," said Admiral FIELD, "of his grandfather, General PICTON, +who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade +of Marines there, you know; attached to PICTON'S Division. Never look on +Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and +the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear. + +PICTON reminded HICKS-BEACH of someone else--"his great predecessor in +spoliation, HENRY THE EIGHTH." + +"Yes, but better looking," said PLUNKET, always ready to put in a kind +word. + +_Business done._--Tithes Bill Debate. + +[Illustration: Tearing up the Tithes.] + +_Friday Night._--Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of +depressing the human mind, acted upon CRANBORNE like electric shock. +Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in +favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he +"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the +piratical PICTON and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case +the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to +seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question? + +_Business done._--Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes +against 164. + + * * * * * + +"A (NOT) AT HOME."--Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated +paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a +certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel +departure should be useful as a precedent to the _creme de la creme_ of +suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be +expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence" +columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:--"On Thursday last +Mr. and Mrs. MADEIRA TOP-FLOOR SMITHIES entertained a small and select +party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace, +Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the +Prince of TECK, the Duke of WESTMINSTER, Lady BURDETT-COUTTS, and the +LORD CHANCELLOR. In the general circle, Lord CROSS, the Countess of +CLARENDON, and the Bishop of LONDON, were also conspicuous by their +absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of CAMBRIDGE nor Mr. +GLADSTONE were expected to join the company before the close of the +entertainment." + + * * * * * + +DINNER SCARCELY A LA ROOSE.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am a poor man, but I +like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and +yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method. +I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot +of _pate de foies gras_, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted +cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find that I can +eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not +make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a +picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad +one--but that is a matter of detail. + +Yours sincerely, + + THE FOUNDER OF THE MORE-THAN-ENOUGH SOCIETY. + + * * * * * + +UTOPIAN.--Neither noise, vibration, nor dust! That's what the BRAMWELLS, +the WATKINS, and the GALTONS claim for that partly-developed but +promising--much promising--invention of M. GIRARD'S, the _Chemin de Fer +Glissant_, or Sliding Railway. _What_ a happy ideal! By all means, "Let +it slide!" + + * * * * * + +A CHANCE FOR A NEW MEMBER.--"Rookeries," said Mr. HENRY LAZARUS in his +evidence at Marylebone, "abound in St. Pancras, and it is a scandal to +civilisation that they should continue to exist." Now, Mr. BOLTON, M.P., +can't you have your legal and parliamentary finger in this Rook pie? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether +MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in +no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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