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diff --git a/30569.txt b/30569.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e7bb49 --- /dev/null +++ b/30569.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1593 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, 19 +April 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, 19 April 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: November 30, 2009 [EBook #30569] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + APRIL 19, 1890. + + * * * * * + +IN THE LANE. + +_Monday._--_Carmen_ exceptionally excellent. Miss ZELIE DE LUSSAN, +gifted with a light, pleasant voice, sang admirably. Can't have "_Trop +de Zelie_." Mr. BARTON McGUCKIN, as _Don Jim-along-Jose_, did all that +can be done with this weak-minded soldier. No holes to be picked in Mr. +McG.'s performance, though there was a portion of his costume that would +have been the better for the attention of Signor SOANSO, the Spanish +tailor. Perhaps he is one of the "Renters" of Drury Lane. The strongest +and most novel situation was the entrance of a horse, which, like the +old woman who "lived on nothing but victuals and drink," "wouldn't be +quiet," and nearly gave poor _Carmen_ fits. If it had given Mr. BARTON +McGUCKIN fits--a pair of them--my previous allusion to the tailor would +have lacked a tangible basis of fact. Fancy _Carmen_ frightened by an +ordinary horse, not even a dray-horse, of which no Carmen would have +been afraid! + +[Illustration: The Garden Scene from the Lane.] + +_Tuesday and Friday.--Faust._ Signor RUNCIO, as _Faust_, up to the mark. +Military band of soldiers returned from the wars had apparently +conquered the drum of a British regiment. Signor ABRAMOFF (good as +_Mephistopheles_) showed his generous disposition by sharing his red +light with _Martha_ when he was talking to her. + +_Wednesday.--Romeo and Juliet_, repetition of last week when the season +commenced with GONOUD'S masterpiece. Scenery tested the resources of +some of the greatest Drury Lane successes. The pantomime in the +ball-room was particularly excellent and noticeable. + +_Thursday.--Mignon_, represented by charming Miss MOODY. Supported by +the dullest of _Lotharios_, Mr. F. H. CELLI. _Wilhelm_ played by a very +small tenor--in fact one who looked like a CHILD. The cast good all +round, and a crowded house enthusiastic. One of the best revivals of the +season. + +_Saturday._--WALLACE'S _Lurline_ in the evening, after _Carmen_ in the +morning. "Troubador" just as enchanting as he was twenty years ago. "The +silver river," too, "flows on" as sweetly as ever. Good house testifies +to the love we all have for home-made music. On the whole a satisfactory +week from every point of view. So far--all's well. + + * * * * * + +"A SOCIETY FOR THE STUDY OF INEBRIETY." + +(_Notes by Mr. Punch's Own Reporter._) + +[Illustration] + +ON the last occasion of the Meeting of the above Society a most +interesting paper was read by Professor JAMES JAMBES, F.R.Z.S., +describing a series of experiments to which, in the cause of Science, he +had recently submitted himself. Commencing by comparatively small +quantities of alcoholic stimulant, he gradually increased the doses +until he reached a maximum of three bottles of Brandy and one of Green +Chartreuse _per diem_, abandoning all other work during the period +embraced by the experiments. After a fortnight of patient research he +was rewarded by the discovery in his immediate neighbourhood of an +abundance of blackbeetles, which he was unable to refer to any known +species of _Orthoptera_. These were succeeded by reptiles and beasts of +various kinds and colours, specimens of which, owing to their +evasiveness, he much regretted to have been unsuccessful in securing. +After increasing the dose to two bottles daily, he was able to detect +the presence of rodents in large quantities. Subsequently these +creatures assumed the most surprising shapes, while their colouring was +frequently gorgeous in the extreme. He had made some brandy-and-water +sketches of the most remarkable--though he had to apologise for the +drawing being less accurate and clear than he could have wished, as the +conditions were generally unfavourable for scientific observation. +Still, they afforded a very fair idea of the principal phenomena which +he had met. (_Cheers._) The Professor, in concluding, remarked that he +himself had never been a Materialist, and that, after the experiences +that attended the addition of the third bottle of brandy and the Green +Chartreuse to his diurnal allowance, he could only confess that, in the +words of the Poet, there were more--many more--things in heaven and +earth than had been dreamed of in _his_ philosophy. Some of the imps, +for instance, that he had noticed on the foot of his bed, he should +never forget. He must ask indulgence for any short-comings both in the +manner and matter of his contribution, on the ground that he was still +suffering from severe indisposition, in consequence of the ardour with +which his researches had been pursued. He felt that he was still only on +the threshold, but he was fascinated by the glimpses he had already +obtained of the strange and wonderful things with which the study of +Advanced Inebriety would make the humblest of us increasingly familiar. +(_Great cheering._) + +The reading of the paper was followed by a discussion, in which Dr. +LOSCHEN said, that he was in a position from his own experience to +corroborate most of the statements in the very interesting account to +which they had just listened. He thought the learned Professor had, if +anything, rather underrated the dimensions of some of the snakes. He +could see a particularly fine specimen at that moment under the +Chairman's table, and would postpone any further remarks he was about to +make. + +Professor SQUIFFIE said he had not as yet brought his experiments so far +as the last speakers. He was not a Naturalist himself. His line was +Optics. He described some interesting cases of Double Refraction, Mock +Suns, and Lunar Rainbows, that had come under his notice, before sitting +down with some suddenness on the floor. + +Mr. STAGGERS, F.H.S., R.C.V.S., said that most of his time had been +devoted to the study of Seismatics. It was a fact not generally known +that "earth tremors" were of almost nightly occurrence after eleven P.M. +Some persons refused to believe that the world went round the sun, but +he had seen it do so several times in the course of a single minute. + +Mr. ORRERS wished to know whether any member present had formed any +theory respecting the fantastic attire, particularly in the matter of +head-dresses, affected by the _fauna_ encountered in the more advanced +stages of Inebriety. Why, for example, should kangaroos, especially in +Piccadilly, present themselves in the bonnets usually worn by Salvation +lasses? And again, what natural affinity was there between the common +rabbit and a fez cap? He asked the question because it had been upon his +mind a good deal of late. + +Mr. D. T. JUMPER said he merely desired to make one remark with regard +to the pink rhinoceros, which Professor JAMES--or, if he might take the +liberty of so describing him, "dear old JEM JAMBES"--had mentioned as +having found in his bath. Speaking personally, he had never come across +the pink variety of these interesting pachyderms. He had seen them +green, or striped,--but not pink. Was it not just possible that his +distinguished and excellent friend had been misled by some deficiency in +his eyesight or the light on this occasion? With regard to imps, both +blue and spotted, he could only say----but he was compelled to stop +here, as he had barely time to catch the last train to his Retreat. + +Mr. BOOSER said he wasn't scientific fler, like some other flers, +still he flattered himself he was fler that knew as much about Inebriety +as most flers, and if there was any fler there liked doubt his word, +give him the lie--they understood what give him the lie meant--he +repeated--give him the lie, why, what he wanted to know was, why didn't +they have courage of their opinions? They knew where find him, and if +they didn't--_he_ knew where find them. (_Uproar._) + +[Illustration] + +The Meeting then broke up in some confusion, as the Chairman, having +removed his boots during the proceedings, was unable to propose the +customary vote of thanks to Professor JAMBES, who left the hall in a +state of considerable excitement in consequence. + + * * * * * + +The Art Kaleidoscope may undoubtedly be found at 160, New Bond Street, +where the Messrs. DOWDESWELLS are everlastingly giving it a turn. Before +you have time to get tired of one show, the turn is made, and another +reigns in its place. Yesterday it was Royal Berkshire, to-day it is +pictures principally of the French School. There are some fine works by +COROT, which, however, did not justify a weak-minded critic in calling +the show "the Corotid Art-ery." Also examples of MONTICELLI, SEGANTINI +the Italian, DAUBIGNY, TROYON, MUHRMAN, and other notable painters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ONLY REMEDY. + +_Home Sec._ "OH, DEAR! OH, DEAR! WHY LEAVE IT TO ME!" + +_Mr. P. (sympathetically)._ "WHY, INDEED? BUT I DON'T SEE ANY HELP FOR +IT TILL WE GET A COURT OF CRIMINAL APPEAL."] + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY REMEDY. + + Pity a poor Home Secretary! Verily + His days are hard, his nights can scarce wag merrily; + But of all burdens on his mind distracted, + Greatest must be that dread responsibility + Where sense of justice wars with sensibility. + _Punch_ hardly thinks the two have interacted + This time with quite ideal force and fitness, + And that the Public doubts, let the Press witness! + + A loathsome story, sordid, brutal, sickening! + Dull callousness to smug contrition quickening + Under the spur of an ignoble terror, + A hope scarce less ignoble--in expression, + At least. Yes, calm judicial self-possession + Is difficult, most easy trimming error; + But compromise with claims conflicting _here_, + Is scarce the course of equity one must fear. + + The logic of it does not stand forth clearly; + The public conscience fidgets, and feels queerly. + Yes, to be arbiter, by law's compulsion, + In such a case, with issues so immense, + _Is_ hard, no doubt; the public common sense + Against the arrangement turns with strong revulsion; + And the right remedy, as all must feel, + Is in a Court of Criminal Appeal! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXTREMES MEET! + +_Hearty Luncher._ "THIS FASTING IS ALL BOSH! ROBERT, ANOTHER PLATE OF +PORK AND ANOTHER PINT OF STOUT. I'M GOING TO SEE SUCCI THIS AFTERNOON!"] + + * * * * * + +SONG SENTIMENTIANA. + +(_A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable +Composer._) + +EXAMPLE III.--CONCERNING THE LOVER'S OBJECTION TO BEING HARD ON A +PERSON. + + I love you so! I love you so! + It's funny, but I do-- + In spite of what my parents know, + And what they say, of you! + No honest folks will near you go-- + But wherefore should _I_ shrink? + I only know I love you so, + Whatever _they_ may think! + + I love you so! I love you so! + As I have sung before-- + Although the heart you have to show + Is rotten to the core! + They say you oft to prison go; + But wherefore _my_ dismay? + I only know I love you so! + I don't care what _they_ say! + + I love you so! I love you so! + As I will sing again. + (In face of all the bills you owe, + It's awfully insane!) + What boots it that you _are_ my foe? + Should that my passion mar? + I only know I love you so!-- + No matter _what_ you are! + + I love you so! I love you so! + As still again I'll sing, + And sing a thousand times, although + You stole my ruby ring! + But what care I for suchlike show, + So long as I have _thee_? + I love you so! I love you so! + _That's_ good enough for Me! + + * * * * * + +FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE SWISS-BACK RAILWAY. + +(_By Our Easter Eggsperimentalist._) + +I have no hesitation in asserting that Lynton and Lynmouth are +frequently called the English Switzerland. I have seen such an +announcement made in the local Guide-books, and heard the opinion +adopted by many of the inhabitants. I am inclined to think that the name +is not a misnomer, for certainly the twin villages, with their miniature +manor-houses and cottage-like country-seats, are not unsuggestive of a +German box of toys. But there is very little of the foreigner in the +inhabitants. Rarely have I seen so much enthusiasm exhibited as on the +occasion of the opening of the Cliff Railway, an event which came off on +Easter Monday. The conveyance in question was suggestive of the +Switchback, or perhaps of the Swissback, when local surroundings are +taken into consideration. The inaugural programme was a long one. We had +a procession, with some eccentric mummers garbed as "Ancient Foresters," +an opening ceremony, with a Royal salute, fired by three Coastguardsmen, +a banquet at the Valley of Rocks Hotel, life-boat exercise, and, +finally, a grand display of fireworks. I took part in every function. I +applauded the Ancient Foresters, in white beards and brown heads of +hair. I was the earliest to use the railway. I made a speech at the +banquet, I helped to man the life-boat, and, finally, I was the first to +cry "O-o-o-o-o-h!" at the initial rocket of the grand display. So I +think I may be allowed to say that I know something about the place and +its inhabitants. _Imprimis_, Lynton has an excellent hotel, in the shape +of the one to which I have already referred. Secondly, it has a great +benefactor in the person of worthy Mr. NEWNES, M. P., the genial and +clever Chairman of the Cliff Railway Company. Thirdly, the loveliness of +the scenery is greatly enhanced by the fact that practically there are +no residents (probably not half a dozen) in the neighbourhood. It is +true that there is a villa here and there, but none of them is large +enough in itself to spoil the effect of the rocks, the cascades, and the +mountain passes. I admit that when I went to Lynton I was under the +impression that I was going to take part in the inauguration of some +score miles of railway, opening out a new route to the Far West. That +this was an erroneous idea was more my fault than my misfortune. After +trying on foot an ascent from Lynmouth to Lynton, I came to the +conclusion that this line of railway was of far greater importance than +any other in existence. That the track was rather less than a thousand +feet, instead of being rather more than a million miles, I considered +merely a matter of detail. Should it be necessary some day to dispense +with the coach-journey from Barnstaple to Lynton--a journey which, on +account of the exercise in which the travellers are encouraged to +indulge on foot, must be of the greatest possible benefit to their +health--why then the railway could be extended from point to point. All +that would be required would be proportionately computed additional +capital. The formula would run as follows:--If 900 feet of railway from +Lynmouth to Lynton costs so much, 18 miles of railway from Lynton to +Barnstaple will cost so much more. The simplest thing in the world! And +with this practical suggestion for the future I conclude my report, with +the observation that the twin villages of Lynton and Lynmouth deserve +the greatest possible prosperity. Nature, represented by "Ragged Jack," +the "Devil's Cheese Wring," and Watersmeet, is lovely beyond compare; +and Art could have no better illustration than that furnished by the +unsurpassed resources of the Valley of Rocks Hotel. + + * * * * * + +HUGHIE AND REGIE.--"On what sort of paper should a fellah who's awfully +gone on a gal, don'tcher-know, write to his mash, eh?" "Why--on--_papier +mashe_, of course." "Thanks awfully." (_Goes off to get some._) + + * * * * * + +"It's going to rain to-morrow," said Mrs. R., confidently--"I am sure of +it, because I always read Professor BEN NEVIS'S remarks in the _Times_. +What a clever man he is, and how useful!" + + * * * * * + +NOMENCLATURE.--Isn't it _the_ place _par excellence_ where umbrellas and +waterproofs are in request? If not, why call it, Hayling Island? + + * * * * * + +"IN THE KNOW." + +(_By Mr. Punch's Prophet._) + +The collapse of _Gasbag_ can have surprised no careful reader of these +columns. His public performances have been uniformly wretched, save and +except on the one occasion when he defeated _Ranunculus_ in the +Decennial Pedigree Stakes at Newmarket last year, and any fool could +have seen that _Ranunculus_ had an off hind fetlock as big as an +elephant's. That comes of training a good horse on Seidlitz powders and +bran-mash. The muddy-minded moon-calves who chatter in their usual +addle-pated fashion about the chances of _Jimjams_, ought to deceive +nobody now that their insane folly has been exposed by me for about the +thousandth time; but the general public is such a blathering +dunderheaded ass that it prefers to trust itself to the guidance of men +like Mr. JEREMY, who knows as much about a horse as he does about the +Thirty-nine Articles. If _Jimjams_, with 9 lbs. advantage and a thousand +sovereigns of added money, could only run a bad second to _Blue Ruin_, +who, on the following day, romped in from _The Ratcatcher_ in a common +canter,--_The Ratcatcher_ having simply spread-eagled _The Parson_ over +the old D. T. course, when the ground was as heavy as Rotten Row in +April,--how in the name of common sense can _Jimjams_ be expected to +show up against high-class yearlings like _Ballarat_ and _Tifftoff_ on +the Goodwin Sands, T. Y. C.? The whole thing is only another instance of +the hare-brained imbecility and downright puddling folly with which the +cackling herd will follow any brazen-headed nincompoop who sets up to +advise them on turf matters. _Jimjams_ has just as much chance of +winning this race as Mr. JEREMY has of being Archbishop of Canterbury. +_Verb. sap._ At any rate my readers will not be able to reproach me with +not warning them in time. + +The latest rumour is that _Mrs. Grundy_ has gone lame after her trial +with _The Vicar_. As I always predicted her break-down, I cannot say I +am surprised, though I must own I should like to know what the +pestilential pantaloons think of themselves who have been for months +advising us to invest our money upon her. All BOOZING BILLY'S stock have +come to grief, sooner or later. I thought Lord SOFTED was a fool to give +L5,000 for such a mangy-coated weed as _Mrs. Grundy_. Now I know it. + +Those who want a good thing ought to keep their eyes on _Toothpick_. +When he met _Pepperpot_, at a stone less than weight for age, with a +baby on his back, at Esher last year, the betting being then 20 to 7 +against the _Harkaway_ filly, he showed what his true form was. +_Pepperpot_, of course, is a rank impostor, but a careful man might do +worse than put a spare threepenny-bit on _Toothpick_, who always runs +better in a snow-storm. As for _Dutchman_, everybody knows he's not a +flyer, and only a man whose brains are made of fish-sauce could +recommend him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANY EXCUSE BETTER THAN NONE. + +_Cautious Customer._ "BUT IF HE'S A YOUNG HORSE, WHY DO HIS KNEES BEND +SO?" + +_Dealer (reassuringly)._ "AH, SIR, THE POOR HANIMAL 'AS BEEN LIVING IN A +STABLE AS WAS TOO LOW FOR 'IM, AND 'ES 'AD TO STOOP!"] + + * * * * * + +"WANTED A WORD!"--Lord BURY wants a word to express electric action. +Anything Lord BURY deals with should be of grave import. Attempting to +find a new verb is quite an undertaking--to BURY. How would "bury" do? +"We buried him;" meaning, "we electrified him." "We went along Bury +well;" meaning, "the progress caused by electricity was satisfactory." +"We 'Buried along' at a great rate," and so forth. + + * * * * * + +ROOKY WALKER! + +SIR,--Perhaps you have read the stories now being told in the +_Spectator_ about rooks and wasps as Policemen. "W.H.W.H." says that a +pair of rooks were persecuted while building their nest, and that a big +rook was deputed to guard them from attack--which he did, like other +policemen, by employing the "beak." There is really nothing at all +remarkable about this tale. Rooks are much more wonderful creatures than +anybody knows about. In my own garden, for instance, there is a rook who +acts as chaplain to a whole rookery. He might almost be called a "bird +of pray." Every Saturday he assembles all the rooks on one large tree, +and caws solemnly to them for ten minutes. I have noticed (through an +opera-glass) that the congregation wears a very devout appearance. +Churchwarden rooks go round while the service is proceeding, and peck +any birds that seem inattentive. At the close there is a universal caw, +which I believe stands for "Amen." It is a curious fact that the +chaplain rook on these occasions always ornaments himself with a wisp of +white grass tied round his neck, which increases his clerical aspect. I +have tried to induce the rooks--by firing at them with small shot--to +adopt Sunday instead of Saturday as their day of devotions, but hitherto +without success. You may think the above worth publishing. It is quite +true. + + Yours, &c., + LONGBOW. + + +SIR,--Here is a fact which beats "W.H.W.H.'s" rook story hollow. Rooks +are keen politicians. I once saw an assembly of them--I don't know if it +was the local Caw-cus or not--divide into two portions, one going to one +tree, another to another, and then two elderly rooks went round, and +counted both batches. After the counting was over they returned from the +lobbies, and business proceeded as before. I have seen the closure very +effectually put on a talkative rook. + + Yours, + VERACITY. + +SIR,--I can confirm these tales of animal Policemen in every +particular--indeed, I am able to add to them. I have often seen a couple +of tom-tits, on leaving their nests for an outing, put a tom-tit +constable on guard till they came back. But here is a still more +remarkable circumstance. On one occasion several other tom-tits wanted +to rob this deserted nest, and they actually came up to the constable +and put something in his claw, after which he looked the other way while +they were rifling the nest. _They had bribed him!_ Comment is +superfluous. + + Yours, + KEEN OBSERVER. + + * * * * * + +Grandolph's Logic. + + Your Purchase Bill is bad from top to toe-- + Drop it, dear boys, then to the country go, + And say 'twas through Gladstonian ill-will + It lost that blessed boon, your bad, bad Bill! + + * * * * * + +LIVING AND LEARNING.--Sir, from a paragraph in _The Times_ about the +Newfoundland Fisheries, I gather the existence of "Lobster Factories." +Never knew this was an industry. Had always thought that Lobsters, like +poets, were born, not made. + + Yours, + A NATURALIST. + + * * * * * + +L'ABBE INCONSTANTIN PARSONIFIED. + +THE first impression of _A Village Priest_ is that, in one respect, Mr. +GRUNDY has done well to choose the historical name of the execrable +"Abbe DUBOIS," and bestow it on the _Cure_, who is meant to be the +interesting hero of what, without him, would have been a sufficiently +strong melodrama. The very A B C of the practice of the confessional +being that everything between Priest and Penitent (even when the +Penitent is impenitent) is _sub sigillo_, this Abbe can have, as the +Grand Inquisitor in the _Gondoliers_ sings, "No possible probable shadow +of doubt, No possible doubt whatever," as to his plain duty; and yet he +demands of Heaven a miracle to show him how _not_ to do it. And to this +pious request comes an answer (by limelight) which demonstrates once +more how the Devil can quote Scripture to his purpose. + +[Illustration: The Tree at the Haymarket.] + +Frankly, Mr. GRUNDY has written three Acts of a play which must have +been powerful had he not extended it to five, and, had he not attempted +to centre the interest on a character which, charming as an incidental +sketch, is, as an essential, an excrescence. Practically the play is at +an end with the finish of the Third Act. Why lug in the _Abbe +Constantin_? And what an Abbe!! + +Where are the familiar details? Where the ancient snuffbox, where his +snuffy old pocket-handkerchief? And where the old well-thumbed breviary +from which he is inseparable? M. LAFONTAINE as the _Abbe Constantin_, +_the_ man to the life, was never without the "old black book," under his +arm. The Haymarket Abbe takes his meals without blessing himself, by way +of saying grace, and fumbles about the heads of people who ask his +benison, like an awkward phrenologist feeling for bumps. And what kind +of an Abbe would he be who would tell a young girl that, "when she comes +to be as old as he is, she will have learnt to doubt everything?" Is it +characteristic of a French Abbe to complain of his housekeeper "lighting +his fire with his sermons?" It would be quite in keeping with the type +of an English Clergyman, who, as a rule, preaches from a written sermon; +but not of a French Priest, who preaches without book or manuscript. No; +the _Abbe Dubois_ is the _Abbe Constantin_ spoilt, a French _Cure_ +Anglicised into a pet Ritualistic Clergyman, ROBERT-ELSMERE'd-all-over +by Mr. GRUNDY, and finally im-parson-ated by Mr. BEERBOHM TREE. Wasn't +it Mr. BEERBOHM TREE who, years ago, created the original of the +Bath-bun-eating comical Curate, in _The Private Secretary_? Well, this +is the same comical Clergyman grown older, and with the burden on, what +he is pleased to call, his mind of a dying scoundrel's last speech and +confession. The strongest objection he has to violate his sacred trust +arises from the fear that such a revelation would break the heart of an +exemplary old Goody Two-Shoes, for whom he has all his life long +cherished a youthful love, the thought of which, and not his +supernatural vocation, has sustained him, so I understood him to say, +throughout his priestly career. All very pretty and "pale young +Curatey," and theatrically sentimental, but don't put this man forward +as the self-sacrificing hero of a Melodrama. No; the subject is best let +alone. Mr. GRUNDY seems to have rushed in where wiser men have feared to +tread, and thoroughly to have "put his foot in it," all for the sake of +transplanting _L'Abbe Constantin_, whom he has transformed into _L'Abbe +In-Constantin_. + +The piece is beautifully put on the stage, and accepting the story as +worked out by Mr. GRUNDY'S characters, the acting is excellent all +round. There are two powerful situations, one in the First Act between +the Judge's son, Mr. FRED TERRY, and the innocent victim, Mr. FERNANDEZ, +admirably played; and another in the Second between Mr. TERRY and Miss +LECLERCQ, also rendered with considerable power. Little Miss NORREY'S +shrill squeak, or scream, or whatever it is, at the end of the First +Act, imperils the situation, and might be toned down with advantage, as +also might her spasmodic melodramatic acting later in the piece. Mrs. +TREE'S is a pretty part, but not a strong one. To sum up, apart from the +two situations I have cited, I should say, that what will linger in the +memory of man when it runneth not to the contrary, is not the false +sentiment, but the real water which fills the real watering-pot, the +blossoming apple-tree, and, above all, the stolidly-chivalrous Mr. ALLEN +as _Captain of Gendarmes_. By the way, the exterior of the presbytery is +that of a small cottage. Excellent. The interior, representing the +Abbe's sitting-room, is a large and lofty Gothic cell--a regular +cell--capable of holding two such presbyteries as we have just seen from +outside. But there--it is another lesson--never judge by appearances. + +[Illustration: Probable future of the ex-Abbe In-Constantin. He marries +Madame D'Arcay, and they come over to England and join the Salvation +Army.] + +To return for the last time to the _dramatis personae_, everyone who sees +this play will regret that the Author has not bestowed as much pains on +the character of the _Captain of Gendarmes_ as he has on the maudlin +water-pottering old _Cure_. The drama, after the Third Act, is +lugubrious. Why not lighten the general depression by bringing on the +_Captain of Gendarmes_ to the "_Boulanger March_," and making him as +amusing as _Sergeant Lupin_ in _Robert Macaire_? The piece is well +mounted, why should not the Gendarmes be also mounted? There are four or +six of them. What an effect has been missed by not bringing them in on +real horses, and giving them a quartette or a sestette _a cheval_, with +a solo for the Captain! Then the Captain might know all about the +murder, and _he_ would reveal it without breaking the seal--unless it +were to crack a bottle--and all would end happily. As it is, all ends +miserably, or would so end, but for the Captain, whose last words before +the fall of the Curtain, uttered in his best French, are "_Ong Avong! +Marsh!_" From which it may be inferred that they are going into a dismal +swamp, but it is magnificent, if not _la guerre_, and this cry of the +Captain has a true military ring about it that gladdens the heart of + + Yours ever, + PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +A CHANT FOR THE COLLEGE OF SURGEONS. + + [Lord DUNRAVEN is going to introduce a Bill to reform the College of + Surgeons.] + + Lo! they raise the gleaming scalpels, and the fearsome feuds begin + 'Twixt the Members of the College that is hard by Lincoln's Inn. + + College once of Barber Surgeons, but the Barbers left the Guild + To the "Company of Surgeons," by whom we are cured or killed. + + And the College grants diplomas two-and-twenty inches long; + After which, in cutting limbs off, sure the tyro can't go wrong. + + He can practise all the Surgeons' art and science; worded thus + Is the motto, "Arts," the College says, "_quae prosunt omnibus_." + + But unless by operations he amasses store of pelf, + It is clear the arts in question will not benefit himself. + + Yet the Members are not happy, and with energy they say, + They should have a voice in choosing those who over them hold sway. + + Sir MORELL MACKENZIE slashes at the College with a will; + Lord DUNRAVEN to his rescue comes with promise of a Bill. + + Haply from this AEsculapian combat we may chance to see + Fairer future for the College, though the Doctors disagree. + + * * * * * + +NEWS OF THE EMIN-ENT TRAVELLER.--Mr. STANLEY was received at Rome by the +Marquis de VITELLESCHI, who gave him some "vitels," and by the Duke de +SERMONETA, who gave him a sermon. How nice to be H. M. STANLEY! + + * * * * * + +FROM CERTAIN WORKING-MEN TO GRANDOLPH.----"We don't like these 'ere +erpinions o' yourn, and we 'opes as you won't 'Old'em." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BARBERESSES.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A CUT OFF THE JOINT."] + +"A CUT OFF THE JOINT." + + _Swish! swish!_ Sweet is the sound of steel 'gainst steel + To him who's hungering for a good square meal. + This joint is juicy, and the carver skilled, + But many plates are waiting to be filled. + The Restaurant is famed for popular prices, + A clever Cook, and oh! such whopping slices! + What wonder then that customers are clamorous, + That appetites, of good cheap victuals amorous, + Sharpen at sight of that big toothsome joint? + The carver does not wish to disappoint; + He is no Union Bumble, stingy, truculent, + He knows his dish is savoury and succulent, + That "Cut and Come again's" a pleasant motto, + But deal out "portions" all this hungry lot to? + Amphitryon feels the thing cannot be done, + Though he should slice the saddle to the bone + With all the deftness of a Vauxhall Waiter. + First come first serve! some claims are less, some greater; + Some of them may secure a well-piled plateful, + Others, though the necessity be hateful, + Empty away must go. Won't there be grumblings, + Waterings of mouths and hunger-gendered rumblings! + But the great Surplus-Joint, although a spanker, + Won't satiate all the appetites that hanker + After a solid slice of it. Cook GOSCHEN + Of careful carving has a neatish notion, + Yet, though his skill be great, his judgment sound, + He will not make that whopping joint "go round." + + * * * * * + +A BABE O' GRACE. + + [MR. CHAMBERLAIN says that "MR. GLADSTONE'S Home Rule Policy was + conceived in secresy, was born in deceit, and was nurtured on + evasion."] + + Poor Babe (whom kind Nurse C. so fain would throttle) + Ill was thy fate, fed from the GLADSTONE bottle! + Nurture less harsh had ROMULUS and REMUS. + Nurse C. would, oh! so gladly, "NICODEMUS + The bantling into Nothing." Yet it lives + And kicks and crows, and lots of trouble gives, + This happy Baby on the tree-top dangling + Whilst friends and foes about thy fate are wrangling! + When the wind blows--ah! then the world shall see + What a prophetic soul has kind Nurse C. + Its face, perchance, had been more bright and bland + Could kind Nurse C. have "brought it up by hand," + As _Mrs. Gargery_ did the infant "_Pip_." + Nay, there are some who on the hint let slip + That kind Nurse C. had never wished it slain + Had it but in another _Chamber lain_! + + * * * * * + +Look at Home! + +GRANDOLPH says that "Local Self-Government" should precede "Purchase." +Probably he may find a little "Local Self-Government" (of tongue and +temper) necessary to enable him to "purchase" the continued support of +the Voters of South Paddington! + + * * * * * + +EXIT IN FUMO. + + [The birthday gifts from the Emperor to Prince BISMARCK include, + besides his portrait, a long and valuable pipe.] + + O solace of sore hearts, soul-soothing pipe! + Was ever trail-exhausted Indian, + Tired mariner, or hungry working-man, + Or sore-tried toiler, of whatever type, + More needed comfort from thy blessed bowl + Than brooding BISMARCK in his exiled hour? + He who, when storms about his land did lour, + Faced them, and rode them out, and to the goal + Of glory, and to safety's haven brought + His mighty charge! Memories of foes outfought, + And rivals out-manoeuvred, stir his soul, + His strong stark soul, as there he sits and shrouds + That granite face in thick tobacco-clouds + Blown from the "long, and valuable" gift + Wherewith a grateful Master's genial thrift + Rewards the service, "long and valuable," + Of such a Servant! Later time shall tell + The tale of that strange parting, of the schemes + That set asunder autocratic youth + And age, perchance, imperious. But, in truth, + Wise age discounts the worth of boyish dreams; + 'Tis well that youth, betimes, should bear the yoke! + Maybe the Mighty Chancellor's career + Is far less like, whatever may appear, + Than the proud Emperor's plans to--end in smoke! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A QUIET DRIVE BY THE SEA. + +A BRIGHTON BATH-CHAIRMAN'S IDEA OF A SUITABLE ROUTE FOR AN INVALID +LADY.] + + * * * * * + +USEFUL WARNING. + + "Will you walk into my parlour?" + Said the spider to the fly. + 'Twas the money-lending spider, + And "Oh no!" was the reply. + "I've read the _Globe_, and I'm secure, + With legs and wings still free! + No buzzi-ness with you. No! Your + 'Fly-paper' won't catch me." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +In _The Splendid Spur_, "Q." has given his Pegasus his head--(Queer +appearance this Pegasus with Q.'s head; but, as that's not my meaning, I +must mind my P's and Q's)--and has spared neither whip nor splendid spur +in his wild ride. Up behind, and clinging to "Q.," we are carried +onward, amid clashing of arms, booming of cannon, pealing of bells, +flashing of steel; anon we stumble over rocks, tumble over cliffs, hide +in secret caves, secrete ourselves, like mad Lord High Chancellors, +among Woolsacks; then after fainting, stabbing, dying, crying, sighing, +"JACK'S all alive again," and away we gallop, like DICK TURPIN on Black +Bess, and we leave girls dressed as boys behind us, and provincial JOANS +OF ARC going out fighting for Church and King; and then, just as we are +hanging suspended in mid-air over an awful precipice, there is a last +gallant effort, and we awake to find ourselves gasping for breath, and +awake to the fact that "Q.'s Pegasus" is a nightmare. It recalls +memories of LOUIS STEVENSON'S _Black Arrow_, but distances it by miles, +while here and there its vivid descriptions are equal to some of the +glowing pictures in SHORTHOUSE'S _John Inglesant_. The Baron hereby +recommends it as a stirring work for the novel-skipper in an idle hour. + +By the way, it would be difficult, to say the least of it, to prove that +the slang phrase "shut up" and the Americanism "say" were never used in +A.D. 1642, in the sense in which they are used in 1890, but they are +scarcely characteristic of the modes of expression at that particular +period. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +A SONG _WITH_ WORDS. + +(_Suggestively dedicated to Lord Bury._) + + Oh! tell me not that you will "clic" + When I can but "electricate," + Or, "propelected," merely "tric" + A distance I might well "volate." + For if to "Faradate" or "Volt" + In "motored" motion I may "glide," + I wonder why I may not "bolt," + When called on to "electricide." + Yet as each word I clip and splice, + I'm more than half inclined to "trice." + + Let others "elk" until they're wild, + I will not "lectroceed" or "glint," + And though their trip be "poled" or "piled" + I need not "coil," or "spark," or "scint." + No, if "electroflected" force + They use to "clash" along their way, + I p'raps might "ohm" upon my course + Or even "squirm," if "clicked" to-day. + "But no! the _Times_ gives sound advice, + As matters stand, I think I'll "trice"! + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +THE DON JOSE GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER.--Don JOSE DI GOMEZ, Marquis of +MAXILLO, Duke of BAGOTA, Grandee of Spain, Knight Grand Commander of the +Order of the Purple Alligator, G.R.M.C.S.S., &c., &c., having, owing to +some recent financial losses in connection with his ancestral estates in +South Patagonia, determined to listen to the advice of experts and +friends, who assure him that he possesses a complete mine of wealth in +the Giant Grape Vineyards, for which his Sicilian property has long been +celebrated, has made all the necessary arrangements for the manufacture +of a sound and serviceable sparkling Wine, which, under the title of the +DON JOSE GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER, he is now prepared to supply to the +general public at a moderate cost. + + * * * + +THE DON JOSE GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER.--Is a delicious light sparkling +wine, soft and smooth on the palate, of a Madeira flavour, possessing a +bottled stout character, and if mixed with water strongly resembling the +choicest brands of Old Burgundy, Hock, and Californian Claret, shipped +from the estate direct, in cases containing one dozen, at 7_s._ + + * * * + +THE DON JOSE GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER.--This exquisite beverage is also +possessed of valuable medicinal advantages, and is highly recommended by +the faculty as a most successful and beneficial cough mixture. + + * * * * * + +"THE LATEST SPRING NOVELTY."--A Fine Day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY GOLF-LINKS. + +(_A Sketch made during the Recess._)] + + * * * * * + +THOUGHTS ON HIS WINE-MERCHANT. + + I love my Wine-merchant--he talks with a charm + That robs his most dubious vintage of harm. + And the choicest Havanas less comforting are + Than the fumes of his special commended cigar. + + I'm a reticent man, with a palate of wood, + And I judge by results if a vintage be good. + But I own to the charm of my Wine-merchant's worst, + If he gives me his comforting flattery first. + + He proffers me samples to praise or to blame, + And I strongly suspect they're exactly the same. + But we gaze at each other with critical eye, + And I wish he would hint if it's fruity or dry. + + I want, say, a dozen of average stuff + (Though a couple of bottles were really enough), + And I enter his portals, reluctant and slow, + Resolved just to give him the order and go. + + But he takes me in hand in his soothering style, + Suggests in a whisper, and "books" with a smile; + And I vainly dissemble the joy in my face + When he ceases to ply me with bottle and case. + + The talk drifts away to affairs of the State, + And I ought to escape, but I palter and wait; + And he opens a box in the midst of his chat, + And asks, like a flash, my opinion of "that"? + + I sniff the tobacco, and turn it about + With an air that is really of genuine doubt, + And knowing so little what judges would say, + I meekly consent to a hundred--and pay. + + There's a charm, when the varied consignment arrives, + To men who are blest with amenable wives; + But I watch my AMANDA with covert alarm, + And wait till she severs the Wine-merchant's charm. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. is always instructing herself. She has been reading up legal +technicalities. "The names," she says, "in some cases are so +appropriate. I am informed that in a Divorce case, where the husband is +the petitioner, the Judge issues a writ of '_Fie Fie_' against the +wife." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF LENT. + +"AND DID YOU BOTH PRACTISE A LITTLE SELF-DENIAL, AND AGREE TO GIVE UP +SOMETHING YOU WERE FOND OF?--_SUGAR_, FOR INSTANCE,--AS I SUGGESTED?" + +"WELL, YES, AUNTY! ONLY IT WASN'T EXACTLY _SUGAR_, YOU KNOW! IT WAS +_SOAP_ WE AGREED TO GIVE UP!"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_At the Duchess of Drinkwater's fashionable reunion, held last night, I +noticed among the first-comers, &c._;" _i.e._, I got all my information, +when it was over, as well as I could, from an inebriated linkman. + +"_What is this we hear about a certain----?_" We're not certain of our +authority, but can't miss the opportunity of being first in the field +with the rumour of a scandal, so we put it into an interrogatory form, +which can't do any harm to _us_. + +"_The greatest excitement prevails_;" _i.e._, Two men who were not +present on the occasion discuss it under a lamp-post and the influence +of liquor. + +SOCIAL. + +"_You must come and dine with me one night_;" _i.e._, "It sounds hearty, +but as a fixture I'll relegate it to the Greek Kalends." + +"_How well you are looking!" (to a Gentleman)_; _i.e._, "You are getting +awfully stout, and must drink more than is good for you." _Ditto, ditto +(to a Lady)_; _i.e._, "Your figure and complexion are entirely gone." + +AUCTIONEERING. + +"_Old Historic House_;" _i.e._, Dormer windows, dark rooms, and the dry +rot. + +"_High-class Furniture_;" Another term for mahogany. + +"_Superior Ditto_;" An adjective reserved for walnut. + +"_Solid Ditto_;" When there is no other epithet possible. + +"_Elegant Modern Ditto_;" In the gimcrack pseudo-aesthetic style. + +"_Handsome Ditto_;" _i.e._, Consoles, any amount of mirrors, gilding, +crimson silk, ormolu--all a little "off colour." + +OF A FRIEND'S NEW HORSE. + +"_Ah! Well put together_;" _i.e._, "He's screwed all round." + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_We have no personal quarrel with our opponents_;" _i.e._, "They said +some dreadfully rude things about me last night. Hope one of the local +speakers will give them a trouncing afterwards, _I'm_ expected to be +polite." + +"_I congratulate you upon the growth of your Association, and the +excellent political work it is doing in this district_;" _i.e._, "Know +nothing about it, except what the pasty-faced Secretary has just crammed +me with, but must butter them a bit." + +"_Your admirable Member, whose voice we hear only too seldom in the +House_;" _i.e._, "A silent 'stick' whose silence is his only merit." + +"_No words of mine are necessary to commend this vote of thanks to your +good will. You all know your Chairman_;" _i.e._, How long will that +stammering idiot be allowed to preside at these meetings? + +PARLIAMENTARY. + +"_Of course I withdraw_;" _i.e._, "Of course I don't." + +"_Of course, Sir, I bow to your ruling_;" _i.e._, "I'm sure you're +wrong." + +"_Of course I accept the Honourable Gentleman's explanation_;" _i.e._, +"Can't _tell_ him he's a liar!" + +"_When I entered the House to-night it was with no thought of being +called upon to address you_;" _i.e._, "I _should_ have been mad if I'd +missed the chance of letting off my long-stored rhetorical fireworks!" + +AT A DANCE. + +"_May I have the pleasure?_" _i.e._, "Wish to goodness she'd refuse, but +no such luck!" + +"_Delighted!_" _i.e._, "I'd as soon dance with a tipsy Mammoth." + +"_Awfully sorry, but I haven't one dance left;_" _i.e._, "I've three, +but if I'd thirty, he shouldn't have one, the lemon-headed little cad!" + +"_I think I see Mamma looking for me;_" _i.e._, "Must get rid of the +bore somehow." + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_Oh, will you play us that sweet little thing of yours in five flats?_" +_i.e._, "It isn't sweet, but it is short, which is something--with him!" + +"_Won't you give us just one song, Mr. Howler? I won't ask you for +more_;" _i.e._, "Wouldn't for that, if I could help it." + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._) + +No. IX.--THE ADVERTISING BARRISTER. + +[Illustration] + +The Advertising Barrister may best be defined as the living and pushing +embodiment of self-assertion and impudence. He is not of those who by a +life of steady and honourable toil attain eventually to the high places +of their profession, whether at the Bar or in Parliament, without losing +the respect and friendship of their fellows. These too in the race of +life must pass many of the feebler runners, and force themselves by +their own merit into places that others would fain have occupied, but +they always run straight, their practice and their performance are +disfigured by no trick, and in the end they bring their honour +untarnished to the goal, and receive the applause even of their +vanquished rivals. With them the Advertising Barrister has no point in +common, save the robes he wears in virtue of his call. For his ambition +is as sordid as the means whereby he attempts to fulfil it are +questionable. He must be credited with the knowledge that his natural +abilities are by themselves insufficient to assure him either fame or +wealth. But he consoles himself by reflecting that if only impudence, +_reclame_, and a taste for the arts of a cadger, be protected by the +hide of a rhinoceros, they are certain to prevail up to a certain point +against the humdrum industry of those inferior beings who hamper +themselves with considerations of honour and good-feeling. It must not +be understood that the Advertiser puffs himself in a literal sense in +the advertising columns of the press. The rules of his profession, to +which even he pays an open deference, forbid this enormity; but in the +subtler methods of gaining a certain attention, and of keeping his name +under the public eye, he has no equal even in the ranks of those who +spend thousands in order that the million may be made happy with soap. + +The boyhood and youth of the Advertising Barrister will have been passed +in comparative obscurity. The merchant who relieved the monotony of a +large and profitable wholesale business by treating him as a son, +impressed upon him at an early age the necessity of making the family +history illustrious by soaring beyond commerce to professional +distinction and a fixed income. In furtherance of this scheme the son +was sent to pick up a precarious education at a neighbouring day-school, +where he astonished his companions by his ease in mastering the polite +literature of the ancients and the vulgar fractions of Mr. BARNARD +SMITH, and delighted his masters by the zeal with which he generally +took his stand on the side of authority. Having, however, in the course +of a school examination been detected in the illicit use of a volume of +Bohn's Library, he was called upon for an explanation, and, after +failing to satisfy his examiners that he meant only to reflect credit +upon the school by the accuracy of his translations, he was advised to +leave at the end of the term. After a short interval spent in the +society of a coach, he entered a fast College at one of our ancient +Universities, and, being possessed of a fairly comfortable allowance, +soon distinguished himself by the calculating ardour with which he +affected the acquaintance of young men of rank, and shared in the +fashionable pleasures of the place. Recognising that amidst the careless +and easy-going generosity of undergraduate society, he who has a cool +and scheming head is usually able to tip the balance of good luck in his +own favour, he lost no opportunity of ingratiating himself with those +who might be of service to him. He cultivated a fluent style of +platitudes and claptrap at his college debating society, and at the +Union, to the committee of which he was elected after prolonged and +assiduous canvassing. Having managed to be proctorised in company with +the eldest son of a peer, whom he delighted by the studied impertinence +of his answers to the Proctor, he eventually went down with a pass +degree and a mixed reputation, and, after the orthodox number of +dinners, and the regulation examination, had the satisfaction of seeing +his name published in the list of those who, having acquired a +smattering of Roman and English law, were entitled, for a consideration, +to aid litigants with their counsel. + +For the next few years little was heard of him. He read in chambers, +drew pleadings and indictments, and gathered many useful tricks from the +criminal advocate to whom he attached himself like a leech. During this +period he also made the acquaintance of a Solicitor who had retired from +the noon-day glare of professional rectitude to the congenial atmosphere +of shady cases. He also struck up a friendship with two or three +struggling journalists, who were occupied in hanging on to the +paragraphic fringe of their profession, and who might be trusted +afterwards to lend a hand to an intimate engaged in a similar, but not +identical line of business. Helped by a shrewd, and not over-scrupulous +clerk, he gradually picked up a practice, a thing mainly of shreds and +patches, but still a practice of a sort. At the Middlesex Sessions, and +at the Central Criminal Court, his name began to be mentioned; and in a +certain money-lending case it was acknowledged that his astuteness had +prevented the exposure of his client from being as crushing and complete +as the rate of per-centage had seemed to warrant. + +Soon afterwards, one of his richer college companions, whose convictions +were stronger than his power of expressing them, was selected as +Candidate for a remote constituency, where speakers were not easily +obtained. The glib Barrister was remembered, and appealed to. At an +immense sacrifice of time and money, he rushed to the rescue, his +travelling and hotel expenses being defrayed by the Candidate. He spoke +much, he spoke triumphantly; he referred, in touching terms, to the ties +of ancient friendship that bound him to the noblest and best of men, the +Candidate; and, when the latter was eventually elected, it was stated in +every Metropolitan evening paper that he owed his success chiefly to the +eloquence and energy of the able Barrister who had pleaded his cause. +Henceforward there was no peace, politically speaking, for the +Barrister. Swifter than swift CAMILLA he scoured the plain facts of +political controversy at meeting after meeting, until they glowed under +the dazzled eyes of innumerable electors. Where Leagues congregated, or +Unions met, or Associations resolved, there he was to be found, always +eager, in the fore-front of the battle. He became the cheap jackal of +the large political lions who roar after their food throughout the +length and breadth of the land, and picked up scraps in the shape of +votes of thanks to chairmen. He figured at political receptions, and +eventually contested a hopeless Constituency, with the assistance of the +party funds. Having, by his complete defeat, established a claim on the +gratitude of his party, he applied successively for a Recordership, a +Police Magistracy, and a County Court Judgeship, but was compelled to be +satisfied temporarily with the post of Revising Barrister. Yet, though +he was disgusted with the base ingratitude of time-serving politicians, +he was by no means disheartened, for he had long since become convinced +that the best method of self-seeking was to seek office, and to clamour +if that should be refused. Finally, after having paid to have his +portrait engraved in a struggling party journal, and having appended to +it a description, in which he compared himself to ERSKINE and the +younger PITT, he became an annoyance to those who were his leaders at +the Bar, or in politics. He was, therefore, appointed Chief Justice of +the Soudan; and after distributing British justice to savages, at a +cheap rate, for several years, he retired upon a pension, and was heard +of no more. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S LITTLE HOLLERDAY. + +Easter Munday I dewoted to Epping Forrest. I draws a whale over my +feelings when I looked out of my bed-room winder and seed the rain a +cumming down in bucket-fulls! But a true Waiter can allus afford to +Wait. + + "Late as you likes, but never hurly, + Seldom cross, and never surly, + The jowial Waiter gos to his work, + And enwys no Hethun nor yet no Turk!" + +And I had my reward, for at 12.20 A.M. the jolly old sun bust forth, as +much as to say, "it was only my fun!" So off I started by Rail, along +with about a thowsand others, in such a jolly, rattling Nor-Wester, that +the River Lea looked more like a arm of the foming Hocean than a mere +tuppenny riwer. But the sun was nice and warm till about 1.30, when, +just for a change, I suppose, down came a nice little shower of snow! +and then more warm sun, and then plenty more cold wind, and then lots of +rain. So them as likes wariety had plenty of it that day. And what a +lovely wision was Epping Forest when we all got there! Ewerything as +coud assist in emusing, and eddicating, and refining about a hundred +thowsand peeple was there in such abundans that I myself heard a +properioter of no less than 6 lofty swings a complaining, in werry +powerful langwidge, that things in the swinging line are not as they +used to be three or four years ago, for lots of the peeple are such +fools that they acshally prefers taking a quiet walk through the Forest, +to being either swung, or roundabouted, or cokernutted, or ewen +Aunt-Salleyed! But the wise Filosopher will probbably say, if you wants +to make peeple happy, speshally them as don't werry often get the +chance, give 'em not what you likes, but what _they_ likes, and leave it +to Old Father Time to teach 'em better sum day. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND PERSONAL (_by an envious Barrister_).--Why is BUZFUZ, Q.C., +like Necessity? _Ans._ Because he knows no law. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether +MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in +no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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