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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL,
+April 26, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL, April 26, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 1, 2009 [EBook #30575]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Ritu Aggarwal, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES
+
+1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_.
+
+2. Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the
+   closest paragraph break.
+
+3. The word manoeuvre uses an oe ligature in the original.
+
+4. Printer's inconsistencies in spelling, punctuation, hyphenation,
+   and ligature usage have been retained.
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. CL.
+
+
+
+APRIL 26, 1916.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+GENERAL VILLA, in pursuit of whom a United States army has already
+penetrated four hundred miles into Mexico, is alleged to have died.
+It is not considered likely, however, that he will escape as easily
+as all that.
+
+       ***
+
+"Germans net the Sound," says a recent issue of a contemporary. We
+don't know what profit they will get out of it, but we ourselves in
+these hard times are only too glad to net anything.
+
+       ***
+
+Bags of coffee taken from a Norwegian steamer and destined for German
+consumption have been found to contain rubber. Once more the
+immeasurable superiority of the German chemist as a deviser of
+synthetic substitutes for ordinary household commodities is clearly
+illustrated. What a contrast to our own scientists, whose use of this
+most valuable food substitute has never gone far beyond an occasional
+fowl or beefsteak.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been suggested that in honour of the tercentenary of
+SHAKSPEARE'S birth Barclay's brewery should be replaced by a new
+theatre, a replica of the old Globe Theatre, whose site it is supposed
+to occupy; and Mr. REGINALD MCKENNA is understood to have stated that
+it is quite immaterial to him.
+
+       ***
+
+"Horseflesh is on sale in the West End," says _The Daily Telegraph_,
+"and the public analyst at Westminster reports having examined a
+smoked horseflesh sausage and found it genuine." It is only fair to
+our readers, however, to point out that the method of testing sausages
+now in vogue, _i.e._ with a stethoscope, is only useful for
+ascertaining the identity of the animal (if any) contained therein,
+and is valueless in the case of sausages that are filled with sawdust,
+india-rubber shavings, horsehair and other vegetables.
+
+       ***
+
+Wandsworth Borough has refused the offer of a horse trough on the
+ground that there are not enough horses to use it. But there are
+always plenty of shirkers.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL was reported on Tuesday last as having been seen
+entering the side door of No. 11, Downing Street. It was, of course,
+the critical stage door.
+
+       ***
+
+The Austrian Government has issued an appeal for dogs "for sanitary
+purposes." The valuable properties of the dog for sterilising sausage
+casings have long been a secret of the Teuton.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "Real Harris Hand-Knitted Socks, _1s. 6d._: worth _2s. 6d._;
+    unwearable."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopkeeper._ "YES, I WANT A GOOD USEFUL LAD TO BE
+PARTLY INDOORS AND PARTLY OUTDOORS."
+
+_Applicant._ "AND WHAT BECOMES OF ME WHEN THE DOOR SLAMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chance for the Illiterate.
+
+    "Wanted, a good, all-round Gardener; illegible."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+    "Gardener.--Wanted at once, clever experienced man with good
+    knowledge of toms., cucs., mums., &c., to work up small
+    nursery."
+                                             _Provincial Paper._
+
+One with a knowledge of nursery language preferred.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MANCHESTER, ENG. The election of directors of the Manchester
+    Chamber of Commerce resulted in the return of eighteen out of
+    twenty-two directors who are definitely committed to the
+    policy of no free trade with the 60th Canadian Battalion."
+                                      _Victoria Colonist (B.C.)._
+
+We hope the battalion will not retaliate by refusing protection to
+Manchester, Eng.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CURSE OF BABEL.
+
+Let me tell you about the Baronne de Blanqueville and her grandson.
+
+The Baronne is a Belgian lady who came to England in the early days of
+the refugee movement, and established herself here in our village.
+
+With her came her younger daughter and Lou-lou, the infant son of an
+elder daughter, who had for some reason to be left behind in Belgium.
+
+Lou-lou was a year old when, with his grandmother and his aunt, he
+settled in England as an _émigré_. He was then inarticulate; now he
+has gained the use of his tongue.
+
+He has had a little English nursemaid to attend on him, and he has
+become a familiar object in many English families of the
+neighbourhood.
+
+In fact, he has had a very English bringing up, and now that he is
+more than two years old and can talk, he insists on talking English
+with volubility and understanding it with completeness.
+
+I may mention, by the way, that someone has taught him some
+expressions unusual in so young a mouth. The other day I met him in
+his perambulator. He said, "I take the air. I'm damn comfable;"
+whereupon the nursemaid blushed and chid him.
+
+That, however, is not the point--at any rate, not the whole of it.
+
+What I wish to make clear is this: the Baronne neither speaks nor
+understands English, whereas Lou-lou speaks a great deal of English
+and no French at all. He rejects that language with a violent shake of
+his curly head. He stamps his small foot and tells his adoring
+grandmother to speak English or leave him alone.
+
+Thus a gulf has begun to yawn between the Baronne and her beloved
+Lou-lou. Communications are all but broken off. Lou-lou's aunt is in
+better case, for she is slowly acquiring English; but the Baronne, I
+think, will never learn _any_ English.
+
+What is to be done?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The rage for flower-trimming is nothing short of an
+    obeisance."--_Evening Paper._
+
+In spite of the War we still bow to the decrees of fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JOY TAX.
+
+    [By one who is prepared to accept it like a patriot without
+    further protest.]
+
+  Now Spring comes laughing down the sky
+    To see her buds all busy hatching;
+      With tender green the woods are gay,
+      And birds, as is their April way,
+  Chirp merrily on the bough, and I
+    Chirp, too, because it's catching.
+
+  Full many a joy I must eschew
+    And to the tempter's voice "No! No!" say;
+      With taxes laid on all delights
+      Must miss, with other mirthful sights,
+  On Monday next my annual view
+    Of England's Art Exposé.
+
+  I must forgo (and bear the worst
+    With what I can of noble calm) a
+      Pure bliss from which I only part
+      With horrid pain about the heart--
+  I mean the humour unrehearsed
+    Of serious British drama.
+
+  But, thank the Lord, I need not miss
+    The birds that in their leafy nook coo;
+      Young Spring is mine to taste at large,
+      The Ministry has made no charge
+  For earth that warms to April's kiss;
+    They haven't taxed the cuckoo!                          O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VOLUNTEER CASUALTY.
+
+We were "standing easy" prior to the assault on the undefended heights
+of Spanker's Hill when the voice of the platoon-commander disturbed
+our thoughts of home and loved ones, and particularly of our Sunday
+dinners, which would be very much out of season before we could get at
+them.
+
+"Number 4," he said, in a tone that thrilled us to the bottom twist of
+our puttees, "these Body-Snatchers (thus coarsely he alluded to the
+Ambulance Section) have been following us all day and haven't had a
+single casualty so far. That is why, in the coming advance, I shall be
+wounded. Sergeant, you will take over the command, should the worst
+befall. Smith and Williams, as you are both big and heavy, you'd
+better be knocked out too."
+
+It was with mingled feelings that I heard my name mentioned. In the
+first place, a feeling of annoyance was engendered at having my
+proportions thus publicly referred to. But other, and I trust
+worthier, thoughts came to me, and, turning to my neighbour, I gave
+him a few last messages of a suitably moving nature to be delivered to
+my friends. The kind-hearted fellow was deeply affected, and in a
+voice broken by emotion offered to take charge of my loose change, and
+asked for my watch as a keepsake. I thanked him with tears in my eyes,
+but said that the burial party would forward all my valuables to my
+relations.
+
+Our conversation was interrupted by the command "Platoon--'SHUN. To
+the left, to six paces, ex-TEND." By an oversight the preliminary
+formation usually adopted as a precaution against artillery had been
+omitted, and in a moment we were advancing up the hill in open order.
+
+Scarcely had we started when our officer, the pride of the platoon,
+threw up his hands and fell. A moment later, chancing on a piece of
+tempting grass, I decided to lie down, and with a choking gurgle
+collapsed. As I lay on my back in an appropriate attitude (copied from
+the cinema) I wondered when the stretcher-party would appear, for the
+grass was damp and the April wind was chilly; but it was not long
+before a bright boy, rather over than under military age, ran up and,
+after a brief glance at me, began to signal with great vigour. He
+meant well, and out of consideration for his feelings I restrained a
+desire to tell him that he was creating a beastly draught. However, I
+asked him if he had any brandy, and, on receiving an answer in the
+negative, groaned deeply.
+
+"Are you very bad?" he asked.
+
+"No," I replied; "but if I lie here much longer I'll catch cold. Tell
+your people to hurry up."
+
+When the stretcher-party arrived they decided that I had been shot in
+the chest, and, to get at the wound, began to remove my garments, till
+arrested by some virile language thrown off from the part affected.
+Then they began to carry me towards the gate of the park, despite the
+fact that the stretcher had been meant to hold someone about six
+inches shorter than I. Almost immediately the rear man, tripping on a
+root, fell on top of me, and the front man, being brought to a sudden
+stop, sat on my feet. When we had sorted ourselves out, and I had
+stopped talking, more from lack of breath than of matter, we resumed
+our journey.
+
+After a matter of some three hundred yards the bearers began to feel
+tired, and, suddenly rolling me off the stretcher, they informed me
+that I was discharged as cured. Thus rapidly does a soldier of the
+Volunteers recover. It speaks volumes not only for their high state of
+physical condition but for the resilience of their _moral_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Intelligent Anticipation.
+
+    "Bucharest, 8.--The 'Universul' has opened a list of
+    subscriptions in favour of the widows and victims of the
+    coming Austro-Roumanian war."--_Balkan News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD' AT THE ---- PICTURE
+    THEATRE."--_Hastings Observer._
+
+The management doesn't mind so long as the fools rush in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Smyth-Pigotts are the owners of Brockley Court and
+    Brockley Hall, near Congresbury, a pretty village which--like
+    Majoribanks--is pronounced Coomesbury."--_Daily Sketch._
+
+Just as, according to the old story, Cholmondeley is pronounced
+Marjoribanks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Monster Carnival! In aid of Returned Soldiers' Association.
+    Novel Attractions!!! Realistic Egyptian Pillage, just as our
+    soldiers saw it. Egyptian goods can be purchased
+    here."--_Adelaide Register._
+
+We hope this does not mean that our gallant Anzacs have been spoiling
+the Egyptians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A LADY would like to let her beautifully furnished HOUSE or
+    part, or three or four paying guests; from £2 10s. each."
+                                       _Bournemouth Daily Echo._
+
+We have heard of paying guests whom their hosts would have been glad
+to part with at an even lower figure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Notice.--Found, a Broadwood Piano. Apply, Barrack Warden,
+    No. 1, Barrack Store, ---- Barracks."--_Aldershot Command
+    Orders._
+
+We think some recent criticism of Army administration is undeserved.
+Care is evidently taken in regard to even little things carelessly
+left about by the soldier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When the election does come there will be no need to ask
+    these useless M.P.'s to resign. They can be kicked out, and
+    there are plenty of workmen in the country who are ready to
+    lend a hand at the kicking. The genuine Labour M.P. is known
+    now, so also is the impostor, who, like the party hack, hails
+    from nowhere."
+                                         _Letter in "The Times."_
+
+We suppose the manual kick, as described above, is the non-party hack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SERBIA COMES AGAIN.
+
+THE BULGAR. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXVIII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--One of these days I will tell you the more intimate
+history of the Corps to which I have the honour to belong, and this
+will give you some cause for mirth. Its members are of all sorts, ages
+and origins, and they have had between them some odd experiences since
+that first day when, parading hastily in Kensington Gardens, they
+wished they hadn't been quite so glib, in their anxiety to get to war,
+about professing full knowledge of the ways and wiles of the motor
+bicycle. One at least of them paid the price of inexactitude then and
+there; he still shudders to think how, put to the test, he
+unintentionally left the Park for a no less fashionable but much more
+crowded thoroughfare, to arrive eventually, in the prone position, in
+a byway of Piccadilly, where small fragments of the machine may still
+be collected by industrious seekers of curios.
+
+Another, whom the low cunning of the Criminal Bar enabled to avoid the
+immediate test, paid the full price, with compound interest, later on.
+Casual observers of the retreat, had there been any, would have become
+familiar with the sight of him bringing up the rear--a very poor last.
+To see him arrive, perspiring, over the brow of a hill, with his
+faithful motor at his side, was to know that the Huns were at the
+bottom of it. On one occasion they even beat him in the day's march,
+but were too kind or too blind to seize their advantage. As usual he
+was taking his obsession along with him, though, if he had but known,
+he might have got it to do the work by the simple formality of turning
+the petrol tap from OFF to ON. His was ever a curious life, from the
+first moment of his joining the Army in tails, a bowler hat, and a
+large sword wrapped in a homely newspaper. But the inward fun of it
+all is not for the present, Charles; our clear old friends, the
+Exigencies, forbidding.
+
+I am reminded of it all by having just crossed with one of the
+later-joined members. He came fresh from the line to a Head-quarters,
+and he was walking about in a lane, working off some of his awe of his
+new surroundings, when he was overtaken by a car containing a General,
+who stopped and asked him what he was. So imposing was the account he
+gave of himself that it was said to him, "No doubt, then, you'll know
+the way to ----," a village at the back of beyond, where a division
+was lying at rest. In the Army, at any rate at a Head-quarters, we all
+know everything. So he said, "No doubt, Sir," hoping, if the worst
+came to the worst, to give some vague directions and not to be present
+when they were found wanting. But it was his bad luck to have struck
+one of the more affable Generals. Could he spare the time to come
+along and direct the driver?
+
+So on to the box he got (it was a closed car) and, with the General's
+eye always upon his back, he did his best as guide, a task for which
+his previous career of stockbroker had ill qualified him. The first
+thing to happen was that the car, proceeding down a narrow lane, got
+well into the middle of a battalion on the march, which, when the car
+was firmly jammed amongst the transport, ceased to be on the march,
+and took a generous ten minutes' halt.... The second thing to happen
+was a level crossing; which, as they approached it, changed its mind
+about being a road and became a railway. A nice long train duly
+arrived, and (this needs no exaggeration) stayed there, with a few
+restless movements, for twenty minutes by the clock.... The third
+thing to happen was that he lost himself (and the General); the fourth
+was the falling of dusk, and the fifth a ploughed field, with which my
+friend, alighting, had to confess that he was not so intimately
+acquainted as he could have wished.
+
+[Illustration: THE TRENCH TOUCH.
+
+_Warrior in bunker (to caddie, who is seeing if the course is clear)._
+"KEEP DOWN, YOU FOOL!"]
+
+Had there been a scene, he could, he says, have endured the worst
+bravely, standing to attention and taking it as it came. Not so,
+however; his was the wrong sort of General for the purpose. As does
+the partner at the dance, over whose priceless gown you have upset the
+indelible ice, he said it didn't matter. He said he'd give the
+division a miss, and return whence they had come. This they began to
+do, when they had got the car out of the ploughed field, and this they
+went on doing until the sixth thing happened, which was a burst tyre.
+
+Again, had there been a scene, my man could have explained that this
+wasn't his fault; but no one _said_ it was his fault. Equally it was
+never openly alleged that he was to blame for the driver's not being
+prepared with a spare wheel ready for use. But his embarrassment was
+such that my man was grateful to heaven for reminding him at this
+juncture of the existence of R.F.C. Head-quarters, about a kilometre
+away. He said he'd run and borrow a wheel off them, and before the
+General could say him nay he'd started.... He ran all the way, and
+burst, panting, into the officers' mess, where he had the misfortune
+to strike another itinerant General.
+
+It never rains but it pours, and the area seemed to be infested with
+Generals of quite the wrong sort. He couldn't have hit upon a more
+kind and genial and inappropriate one than this. No, he wouldn't allow
+a word of apology or explanation from this exhausted lieutenant until
+the latter had rested and refreshed himself with a cup of tea. No, not
+out of that pot; it had been standing too long. Tea which had stood
+should not be drunk, for reasons detailed at length. No doubt the
+Colonel, whose guest he was, would order some more to be made. It
+would take two minutes--it did take twenty. No, no; there was nothing
+to say and nothing need be said. It was this General's particular wish
+that he should be at peace and make himself at home. Let him make his
+explanations and apologies later.
+
+Whatever you would have done, my overwhelmed friend temporized. He was
+just edging the conversation round to the other General, waiting
+alone in the dark wet road, when the General in the nice warm room
+rose to go, commanding my friend not to disturb himself on that
+account. Being a man of some years he was a slow goer; being a
+General, he was not to be interrupted in his going....
+
+I don't know exactly how it all ended, nor, you may not be surprised
+to learn, does my friend, though he is always expecting to hear.
+
+There was also on our boat a subaltern, coming to France for the first
+time. He wanted me to tell him all about it. How well I know these
+subalterns who want to know all about it. I was one myself once. Does
+he ask you what it's like in the mud? Does he listen if you give him
+details of bloodshed? Does he inquire about the food, the washing
+facilities, parapet or parados; what a time-fuse does when its time
+has expired, or even as to the use and abuse of the entrenching tool?
+No, he's for war only, and there's only one question in war: Do you or
+do you not need a Sam Browne belt in the trenches?
+
+It is an old question; there is no solution. I told him that some say
+one thing and some say another, and, as both are authorities with whom
+you are not in a position to argue, the only way to get out of the
+difficulty is to keep out of the trenches.
+
+                                          Yours ever,      HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR AMAZON CORPS "STANDING EASY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a hotel advertisement:--
+
+    "EXCELLENT CUISINE. SEPARATE STABLES."
+                                            _West-Country Paper._
+
+The WISE KING must have had a presentiment of this arrangement when he
+wrote: "Better a dinner of herbs, where love is, than a stalled ox and
+hatred therewith."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Premier (Sir Alexander Peacock) said that many years
+    ago, when the world rang with the atrocities of Turks, Rev.
+    Dr. Parker startled the whole world when, in a fiery address
+    on those awful atrocities which were visited on the
+    Christians, he cried, 'Dod damn the Sultan.' Now, when they
+    heard of the cruelties and indescribable sufferings which had
+    been visited upon the innocent people in order to satisfy the
+    ideas of one man they could say, 'Kod damn the Kaiser.'
+    (Great cheers)."--_Sydney Daily Telegraph._
+
+Strong language for a Premier! But the printer has done his best to
+tone it down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+VIII.--ORCHARD STREET.
+
+  The fruit hangs ripe, the fruit hangs sweet,
+  High and low in my Orchard Street,
+  Apples and pears, cherries and plums,
+  Something for everyone who comes.
+        If you're a Pedlar
+        I'll give you a medlar;
+        If you're a Prince
+        I'll give you a quince;
+        If you're a Queen,
+        A nectarine;
+        If you're the King
+        Take anything,
+  Apricots, mulberries, melons or red and white
+  Currants like rubies and pearls on a string!
+        Little girls each
+        Shall have a peach,
+  Boys shall have grapes that hang just out of reach--
+  Nothing's to pay, whatever you eat
+  Of the fruit that grows in my Orchard Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "USEFL. hlp. ckng. no wshg. fam. 2."
+                                                 _Morning Paper._
+
+Th. is rl. wd. plp. ecnmy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NIGHT OUT WITH A ZEPPELIN.
+
+BY KARL VON WEEKEND
+
+(HYPHENATED NEUTRAL).
+
+(_Concluded._)
+
+Beneath us--beneath, in a manner of speaking, the iron heel of the
+all-conquering Fatherland--lay perfidious England. I, as a mere
+layman, had, of course, not the vaguest idea as to precisely what
+vital portion of the doomed island was immediately below us. Not so my
+host, the Captain Sigismund von Münchhausen, who suddenly snapped
+together the stethoscope through which he had been gazing and rapped
+out a monosyllabic order down the speaking tube at his right hand.
+
+"We are now," he said, turning courteously to me, "diametrically above
+the entrenched camp of Little Tillingham-under-Hill." A fearful crash
+sounded from the depths below and a voice muttered something through
+the speaking tube. "A hit!" cried the Captain without emotion.
+"Ober-Leutnant von Dachswurst reports that the Arsenal, three
+munitions factories and two infant schools are in flames. Ah! Now we
+have reached Birmingham!" Another crash rent the abysm. "Now Glasgow!"
+A third terrific explosion was audible.
+
+"But," I cried, "we can't have got from Birmingham to Glasgow in
+thirty-five seconds." For a moment the Captain's eyes flashed angrily.
+He clenched his feet, and, remembering the horrible fate of the
+seasick sailor, I crouched against the bulwark. With an effort,
+however, the man mastered himself. I was relieved to see an enigmatic
+smile overspread his countenance.
+
+"It is plain," he said, in the voice of one patiently rebuking a
+child, "that you do not know what a German airship can do. Ah! ha!
+There goes Bristol!" he added, as further detonations smote upon our
+ears.
+
+And so the hideous carnage proceeded. Grasmere, Aberystwith,
+Stratford-on-Avon, Freshwater Bay and the Lizard--with dreadful
+precision these teeming hives of English industry were laid waste,
+incinerated, scattered to the winds in fine impalpable dust. I thought
+sadly of the brave men in khaki that were being cut off by the
+thousand in their prime (for the gallant Captain had taken the utmost
+precaution not to drop any of his bombs in the neighbourhood of
+non-combatants). But, after all, I mused, they will soon be replaced
+by intelligent Germans, a blessing that civilization will not be slow
+to appreciate.
+
+At this moment the Captain approached me with an object in his hand.
+"You neutrals," he said, "have been deceived before now by the
+ridiculous reports disseminated by our enemies as to the results of
+these raids. But here is the proof." He then explained to me that to
+every Zeppelin was attached a large sinker or plummet, which was
+covered with grease and lowered from a drum to a few yards above the
+spot where the bomb was destined to fall. To this plummet adhered
+fragments of various objects, animate or other, which the explosion of
+the missile hurled into the air. Such a fragment the Captain was now
+extending for my observation. I admitted that to my uninitiated eye it
+closely resembled a portion of the outer surface of a cow or some
+kindred animal. "You are indeed ignorant," said my host, smiling in
+the same enigmatic way. "The object is undoubtedly a fragment of the
+propeller shaft of a large vessel, which satisfies me that at Swanage,
+where our last bomb was dropped, a portion of the High Seas Fleet was
+anchored. And as a matter of fact," he added, producing a small dark
+object from his pocket, "here is a part of Sir JOHN JELLICOE'S
+necktie. Notice how precisely it tallies with the descriptions
+furnished by our secret agents, one of whom is actually engaged about
+the Admiral's person disguised as a pastry-cook."
+
+Here, then, was the proof. One could not doubt the evidence of one's
+senses. But mine had been subjected to an unusual test that night, and
+when the Captain, well satisfied with his night's work, courteously
+invited me to have another glass of schnapps with him I accepted with
+alacrity. The glass was hardly at my lips when an orderly announced
+that we were at anchor in the shed. Thanking the brave Captain for the
+most wonderful experience of a not uninteresting lifetime, I hurried
+away to my hotel and fell into a deep slumber. When I awoke late that
+afternoon my manservant placed in my hand the last edition of the
+London _Times_. It stated that there had been a Zeppelin raid, and
+that 19 civilians, three cows, four churches, two rows of cottages,
+one omnibus, and no soldiers had been destroyed.
+
+I smiled--enigmatically.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Socialist Working Man, aged 25, would welcome companionship
+    of Socialist exempted conscientious objector, chiefly for
+    week-end cycling; or athletic lady holding similar views
+    would suit, residing North Kent area."
+                                               _Socialist Paper._
+
+It would be much better for him to meet an athletic lady not holding
+similar views.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OCC. POET'S APOLOGIA.
+
+  Where the moon's unmitigated crescent,
+    Sailing through the amethystine deeps,
+  With a smile sardonic and senescent
+    Down upon our Armageddon peeps;
+  Thither, drawn by sympathy ecstatic,
+    Like a shooting star my spirit flies
+  From the company of gross, lymphatic
+    Souls entangled by terrestrial ties.
+
+  Where the sombre azimuths are booming,
+    Flecked with argent elemental foam,
+  And the stately colocynths are blooming
+    In a salicylic monochrome;
+  There, transported on pellucid pinions,
+    Sick of common sense I seek repose,
+  Far from the disconsolate dominions
+    Tainted by the tyranny of prose.
+
+  O'er the whole translunar gamut ranging.
+    There my astral body slides and skims,
+  Choriambic melodies exchanging
+    With the apolaustic cherubims;
+  Weaving in a polyphonic pattern
+    Harmonies that mock at clefs and bars;
+  Toying with the shining rings of Saturn,
+    Throwing star-dust in the eyes of Mars.
+
+  There, suspended in a sumptuous limbo,
+    Like a happier version of the boy
+  Drawn by Mr. BLACKWOOD in his _Jimbo_,
+    I shall taste of bliss without alloy;
+  Other minstrels may indulge in fighting,
+    I myself cannot so far forget
+  As to shun the raptures of inditing
+    Occ. verse for the _Bestspinster Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For our "Glimpses of the Obvious":
+
+    "An interesting feature in the prone trees was that they all
+    fell in one direction, showing the direction from which the
+    blast came."
+                                                 _Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "So soft and loose was the earth that the trench walls had to
+    be rivetted."
+                                                  _Daily Sketch._
+
+A very curious treatment. Personally we always use a safety-pin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Inquiries are being received at Lloyds for insurance to pay
+    total loss in case of peace being declared during the present
+    war."
+                                              _Montreal Gazette._
+
+We ourselves should take our chance of this contingency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The total import value of matches is less than £1,000,000
+    per annum, and if £2,000,000 is to be collected, it will make
+    matches 6d. or even more per dozen."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Mr. MCKENNA surely cannot have realized this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE SENTIMENTAL DRAMA.
+
+[Illustration: REGINALD CARSTAIRS, READING DURING THE VACATION AT
+A REMOTE COUNTRY VILLAGE, FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE LANDLADY'S FAIR
+DAUGHTER, ROSIE. IN THE OLD ORCHARD SHE WOULD SING TO HIM "PANSY
+FACES."]
+
+[Illustration: REGINALD'S HAUGHTY FATHER WILL NOT HEAR OF HIS UNION
+WITH THE RUSTIC GIRL, AND MARRIES HIM TO A WEALTHY HEIRESS. HE
+CONTINUALLY ANNOYS HER BY PICKING OUT ON THE PIANO THE MUSIC OF
+AN OLD SONG. AND SO THEY REACH A LOVELESS MIDDLE-AGE.]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE MEANTIME ROSIE HAS HAD HER VOICE CULTIVATED,
+AND, UNDER THE NAME OF "LA BELLE ROSSIGNOLETTE," HAS TAKEN THE
+CONTINENT BY STORM. IN THE MIDST OF HER GREATEST TRIUMPHS, HOWEVER,
+SHE IS OFTEN _DISTRAITE_.]
+
+[Illustration: COMING AT LENGTH TO LONDON, SHE APPEARS IN GRAND OPERA.
+FOR HER FIRST NIGHT CARSTAIRS, LITTLE KNOWING HER TRUE IDENTITY, HAS
+TAKEN THE STAGE-BOX. SHE RECOGNISES HIM, AND, INSTEAD OF SINGING HER
+OPENING SONG, ELECTRIFIES THE HOUSE BY GIVING "PANSY FACES."]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SENSATION THAT ENSUES THE THEATRE CATCHES FIRE.
+ROSIE RESCUES REGINALD, BUT HIS WIFE PERISHES IN THE FLAMES.]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE EVENING OF LIFE: "PANSY FACES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ABOVE SQUAD, CONTAINING AN EX-CONTORTIONIST, HAS
+JUST RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTION:--"AT THE COMMAND 'BACKWARD
+BEND,' PLACE THE HANDS ON THE HIPS AND BEND BACK AS FAR AS POSSIBLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE EYE-WASH.
+
+  Whene'er I see some high brass-hatted man
+    Inspect the Depôt with his ribboned train,
+  When all seems spick and absolutely span
+    And no man spits and nothing gives him pain,
+  I think what blissful ignorance is theirs
+    Who only see us on inspection days,
+  And wonder, could they catch us unawares,
+    Would they be still so eloquent of praise?
+
+  They think the soldiers are a cleanly type,
+    For all their brass is bright with elbow-fat,
+  Burnished their bayonets and oiled their hyp;
+    Do they suppose they always look like that?
+  They see the quarters beautiful and gay,
+    Yet never realise, with all their lore,
+  Those bright new beds were issued yesterday
+    And will to-morrow be returned to store.
+
+  They doubtless say, "Was ever drill so deft?
+    Were ever rifles so precisely sloped?
+  Observe that section change direction left
+    So much, much better than the best we hoped;"
+  But little know with what grim enterprise
+    For week on week that clever-looking crew
+  Have practised up for their especial eyes
+    The sole manoeuvre they can safely do.
+
+  And I could tell where many a canker gnaws
+    Within the walls they fancy free from sin;
+  I know how officers infringe their laws,
+    I know the corners where the men climb in;
+  I know who broke the woodland fence to bits
+    And what platoon attacked the Shirley cow,
+  While the dull Staff, for all their frantic chits,
+    Know not the truth of that distressing row.
+
+  These are the things I think they should be taught,
+    But, since I know what ages must elapse,
+  What forms be filled, what signatures be sought,
+    Ere I have speech with such exalted chaps,
+  I here announce that they are much misled,
+    That they should see us when we think them far,
+  Should steal upon us, all unheralded,
+    And find what frauds, what awful frauds we are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I was astonished that not a Londoner raised a cheer for the
+    fine Bankers' Battalion of the Fusiliers which marched
+    through the City to-day. We are really absurdly shy."
+                     _"Quex Junior" in "Evening News," April 15._
+
+    "The older comrades, who are keeping banks going in the
+    absence of the younger patriots, turned out to cheer their
+    comrades."
+                                     _"Evening News," same date._
+
+The older bankers, we must presume, are all from the provinces, and
+not so shy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHAMPION OF THE SMALLER NATIONS.
+
+IMPERIAL PACHYDERM. "OUR HEART GOES OUT TO THESE POOR LITTLE
+UNPROTECTED EGGS. THEY WANT MOTHERING. WE WILL SIT ON THEM."
+[_Does so._]
+
+[With Mr. Punch's apologies to a noble animal.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: _COLONEL CHURCHILL (arriving post-haste at the House
+of Commons from the Front, on April 18_), "COME I TOO LATE FOR THE
+PREMIER'S STATEMENT?"
+
+_Constable._ "ON THE CONTRARY, SIR, YOU'RE A DAY TOO EARLY."
+
+[The Constable was in error. He should have said a week.]]
+
+_Monday, April 17th._--The hon. Member who described the present
+Parliamentary situation as "a cabal every afternoon and a crisis every
+second day" is justified of his epigram. The lobbies this afternoon
+were full of agitated whisperers, with much talk of a divided Cabinet
+and this and that Minister on the brink of resignation, because they
+cannot agree upon the number of men they want for the Army or the best
+method of obtaining them. All of which must be very comforting to our
+enemies.
+
+Some anxiety is felt on the Treasury Bench owing to the marked
+shortage of Members from Ireland. Hitherto, whenever the Government
+has seemed to be in danger, Mr. REDMOND'S followers have trooped over
+from Dublin to the rescue. But to-day most of them are absent. Some
+attribute their defection to chagrin at their shortsightedness in
+resisting the appointment of Mr. CAMPBELL as Lord Chancellor of
+Ireland. As Attorney-General they fear he will exert a much more
+potent influence in Irish affairs.
+
+Faithful among the faithless, Mr. GINNELL was in his place. He is not
+interested in the troubles of the British Government. His present
+obsession is the alleged over-taxation of his own beloved country. In
+order that he might have due verge and scope to expatiate upon that
+grievance be pressed the PRIME MINISTER to arrange an early sitting on
+Wednesday and also to suspend the eleven o'clock rule. At this naïve
+suggestion the House relieved its tension with a hearty laugh.
+
+How much truth there may be in the stories of Ministerial dissension
+I do not know; but there is undoubtedly a CAVE on the Treasury Bench.
+In the absence of the CHANCELLOR he took charge of the Report Stage of
+the Finance Bill, and very well he acquitted himself. Incidentally the
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL had the honour of bringing about a notable
+reconciliation. Among the few occupants of the Nationalist benches
+were Mr. DILLON and Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, who for some years past have
+rarely met without a collision. Accordingly when Mr. DILLON had
+resisted a proposal to fine any visitor to an entertainment who did
+not pay the Amusements-tax, it was confidently expected that Mr. HEALY
+would find excellent reasons for asserting that this was the best
+clause in the whole Bill, and that only a melancholy humbug would
+oppose it. Instead he vigorously supported his former foe with an
+argument that I am sure Mr. DILLON would never have thought of. "Was
+it not a weird proposal," he asked, "that a child who had unwittingly
+walked; through a turnstile should forthwith become a convict and lose
+its Old-Age Pension?"
+
+_Tuesday, April 18th._--When one has at last screwed up one's courage
+to have a tooth out, there is nothing more unnerving than to be told
+by the dentist that he cannot operate to-day and that one must come
+again to-morrow. The House of Commons felt like that this afternoon.
+Members had flocked from all parts of the kingdom--Nationalist Ireland
+excepted--to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S promised statement. Col.
+CHURCHILL, Lord HUGH CECIL (with a patch on his lofty brow denoting a
+recent casualty), and other warrior-statesmen had reluctantly torn
+themselves from the attractions of the trenches to do their duty at
+Westminster. The Ladies' Gallery was filled to overflowing.
+
+Then the ominous word went round, "No statement to-day." Sure enough,
+when the PRIME MINISTER rose and hushed the buzz of conversation that
+had rendered Questions inaudible, it was merely to observe that there
+were still some points outstanding, that no statement would be
+adequate without their adjustment, and that he would therefore
+postpone his motion for the Easter adjournment until to-morrow. Sir
+EDWARD CARSON'S motion demanding compulsory service for all men of
+military age would, if necessary, be discussed on Thursday.
+
+Members hastened out into the Lobby to chatter about the new phase of
+the crisis and to speculate as to what were the points outstanding,
+and whether the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS was or was not the prickliest of
+them. To the noise and flurry created by their exit Mr. MCKENNA owes
+it that his Finance Bill will appear in the Journals of the House as
+having been passed without a dissenting voice. Mr. WHITLEY, who was in
+the Chair, has not the commanding tones of Mr. LOWTHER, and when he
+put the question, "That this Bill be now read a Third time," nobody
+rose to speak. Accordingly he declared that the "Ays" had it; and
+though several Members then protested that they had not heard the
+question put, and urged that it should be put again, he politely but
+firmly declined to oblige them.
+
+In an incautious moment yesterday Mr. TENNANT advised Mr. SNOWDEN to
+use his imagination. I should have thought the advice was superfluous,
+for, to judge by some of the stories that the Member for Blackburn is
+in the habit of retailing to the House regarding the persecution of
+conscientious objectors by callous N.C.O.'s, his imagination is
+working overtime. On the motion for the adjournment Mr. TENNANT had to
+listen to several more of them. He was rewarded for his patience by
+obtaining an unexpected testimonial from Mr. KING, who in his most
+patronising tones declared that he was sorry for the UNDER SECRETARY,
+who was really "a great deal better than the average man in the
+street."
+
+In readiness for the PRIME MINISTER'S anticipated statement, Lord
+MILNER had put down a motion in the House of Lords in favour of
+compulsory service for all men of military age; and, despite the
+changed circumstances, he persisted in moving it, and made an
+admirable speech in its support. Lord CREWE, indeed, found it
+unanswerable for the time being, as Downing Street was "still
+thinking." He could not say when its thoughts would be resolved into
+decision, but hoped it might be to-morrow--or, if not to-morrow,
+Thursday--or, if not Thursday, then perhaps Monday. Lord CREWE has not
+sat at Mr. ASQUITH'S feet all these years without catching something
+of his methods.
+
+_Wednesday, April 19th._--The House was even more crowded and anxious
+than yesterday. In the Peers' Gallery a dim figure, carrying a bunch
+of primroses and looking astonishingly like Mr. DENNIS EADIE, was
+heard to murmur, "I wonder whether England loves Coalitions any more
+than she did in my time." The present PRIME MINISTER appears to think
+that she does, for, after remarking that continued disagreement on
+material points threatened a breakup of the Government, he ventured to
+describe that contingency as a national disaster. The Liberals thought
+so too, and cheered loudly; the Unionists were not quite so sure, and
+Sir EDWARD CARSON, beside whom sat Col. CHURCHILL, looking as if he
+had never heard of Ulster, indicated that, while he would be the last
+man to refuse the Government time for repentance and reformation, he
+would in the meantime keep his Resolution on the Paper for use if
+necessary when the House met again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Stoker (weary)._ "I'D LIKE TO FIND THE MERCHANT
+'OO INVENTED BOILERS!"
+
+_Second Stoker (also weary)._ "BOILERS BE BLOWED! I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE
+BLIGHTER 'OO FOUND OUT THAT COAL WOULD BURN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED. Reliable Woman to Wash Mondays, 2s. 6d.
+    daily."--_Llanelly Star._
+
+Some Mondays are so black.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "War Work for capable open-air Woman of leisure. Wanted to
+    help sister of man called up to run sole grocery shop in
+    lovely country."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+Why wasn't he called up to fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Observer_ rebuked _The Daily News_ for unkindness in remarking
+that at a certain point in the recent "Poets' Reading," Mr. BIRRELL,
+"who had been sitting with his head in his hands, looked up
+delighted." But was it quite nice of _The Observer_ itself to say in
+its account of the same function that "the Prime Minister looked in
+when the readings were in progress, and remained for some time talking
+with many friends"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Peppery Senior (through din of Bosches' "morning
+hate")._ "LATE FOR BREAKFAST AGAIN."
+
+_Very Junior Officer (apologetically)._ "SORRY, SIR. DIDN'T HEAR
+THE GONG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PHILATELIST.
+
+This was the day appointed, after considerable discussion, for our
+visit to London, and at an early hour Frederick and I were ready for
+the journey. Frederick, who is tending slowly, as it seems to me,
+towards an as yet sufficiently remote ninth birthday, had been
+vigorously and successfully scrubbed till he shone with an unwonted
+absence of grime; his hair had been temporarily battened down; his
+Eton collar was speckless, and his knickerbocker suit, while not
+aggressively new, was appropriate and free from visible rents. I
+cannot say he was impressed with the solemnity of the occasion, but he
+was eager and fully determined to purchase as many stamps as could be
+secured for the generous prize of money bestowed upon him by a lady
+who had observed his progress in the study of Nature--beetles, moths,
+tadpoles and the like--and had noted his ever-growing passion for
+postage-stamps.
+
+London he looked upon as one gigantic repository of stamps. I spoke to
+him of Trafalgar Square and the Nelson Column and the Landseer Lions.
+He replied by informing me that there was a certain issue of Mauritius
+which was valued at £1,200. "If," he said, "I could get that some day
+I shouldn't want to collect any more."
+
+"It seems," I said, "a lot of money to pay for a small piece of
+paper."
+
+"Yes," he agreed, "it is; but perhaps I could get it cheap in some old
+shop which didn't know much about it."
+
+I then tried to divert his attention to the prospect of having
+luncheon with me at the Rhadamanthus Club, but he begged me not to
+interrupt him, as he was endeavouring to calculate how many years it
+would take him to get together the sum if he could manage to save
+two-pence a week out of his pocket-money. After a short mental
+struggle, however, he gave it up and banished the blue Mauritius, or
+whatever it is, from his ambitions and his conversation.
+
+Before we started Francesca addressed a few earnest words to me about
+the proper care of a boy in London.
+
+"Be sure," she said, "to see that he keeps his hands clean. I should
+hate to think that he was wandering about Piccadilly and Pall Mall
+with dirty hands."
+
+"He'll have to wander," I said, "with such hands as Nature provides
+for him. No little boy can ever keep his hands clean anywhere for more
+than half a minute at a stretch."
+
+"But you might give him an occasional wash, you know."
+
+"I will do everything," I said, "that may become a father, short of
+carrying about a wash-hand basin and a jug of water and a piece of
+soap and a towel through Piccadilly and Pall Mall."
+
+"And his hair," she said,--"you'll not let it got too untidy, will
+you?"
+
+"I'll brush it when I can," I said; "but you must remember that a
+little boy without a Catherine-wheel of hair on the back of his head
+is only fit for a museum. I must insist on his keeping his
+Catherine-wheel substantially intact."
+
+Well, at last we got off in the train on our adventure, I with a
+morning paper, and Frederick deep in a stamp-catalogue, from which he
+occasionally brought forth things old and new. In due time we reached
+our destination and stood triumphant in the stamp-shop. It was not a
+large shop, but it was a rich shop, owning countless valuable
+varieties, and Frederick, whose hands were now of the subfuse hue
+which Cambridge insists on for the garments of her candidates, was
+soon engaged in an animated discussion with the affable and amused
+proprietor. At last the five shillings were exhausted and the deal was
+complete, the last item consisting of a perfectly terrific set of
+Gaboon stamps, each decorated with the fuzzy head of a spear-bearing
+native warrior. It speaks volumes for the power and courage of our
+French allies that they should have been able to overcome these savage
+and formidable tribesmen, and reduce them to the order that is implied
+by the existence of a post-office and the possession of stamps.
+
+We now found that we had about forty minutes to spare. It is hardly
+necessary to say that, being in the immediate neighbourhood of the
+Strand, we devoted the time to a Cinema. The change from the Gaboon
+and its truculent inhabitants to a highly sentimentalised
+fishing-village was something of a wrench, but Frederick, clutching
+his purchases and his catalogue as if his life depended on stamps, was
+equal to it. He bore without flinching the storms and the wrecks, and
+the bodies of drowned men tossed upon the shore. Nor did he audibly
+disapprove when one fisherman, rescued from death, lost his memory for
+many years, and eventually regained it in extreme old age amid the
+rejoicings of his relatives and neighbours.
+
+Thence we passed by a happy change to the detached and melancholy
+malice of Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, of whom I can now say, _Vidi tantum_.
+Mr. CHAPLIN'S victim on this occasion was a well-dressed foreign
+gentleman of perfect manners but fiery temper, who was compelled to
+suffer a series of dreadful indignities. We left him struggling
+silently but furiously against an adhesive lobster salad which Mr.
+CHAPLIN had, in an absent-minded moment, plastered over his face.
+
+We now went on to the Rhadamanthus. Here the rite of washing and
+brushing was duly performed, Frederick remarking with obvious regret
+that if it had only been on the Cinema he would have had to throw the
+soap at me and splash the water in my face. "But," he added, "I shall
+be able to do it to Alice when I get home." He was not at all
+overwhelmed by the marble and gilded splendours of our palace, but sat
+himself down to luncheon as if he had an immemorial right to be there.
+General Wilbraham (in khaki), Mr. Justice Black, and Mr. Trevor, the
+eminent publisher, kind old gentlemen, my friends and contemporaries,
+came up to us and were introduced to the little boy and smiled at him
+and patted his head, where the indomitable Catherine-wheel still
+whirled in triumph, and all declared that it was hardly tolerable in
+another to be so young, and asked him what it felt like, and said that
+growing up was the great mistake.
+
+And then a strange thing happened. The luncheon-room suddenly became a
+hall filled with boys. The General and the Judge and the Publisher
+dwindled and changed. The long-lost hair came back to their heads in
+great untidy tufts; they put on Eton jackets and collars and grubby
+hands. In fact, they were little boys again; and Master Wilbraham said
+he was keeping _Cave_, and Master Black said something was a regular
+chouse, and Master Trevor declared violently that somebody was a sneak
+and that somebody else must have tweaks for new clothes. It lasted for
+a moment, and then, as with a puff of air, it all changed back, and we
+were again in the luncheon-room of the club, four time-worn veterans
+and one eager little boy tightly grasping a catalogue of stamps.
+                                                            R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Subaltern (proudly, as devastating motor-cyclist
+dashes by)._ "ONE OF 'OURS.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE SHOW SHOP."
+
+The drama is almost the only religion I know that can expose the
+mysteries of its ritual to the vulgar gaze and yet retain the devotion
+of its worshippers. There is nothing a British audience so loves as to
+be taken behind the scenes and shown how it is done--or not done; and
+then it will attend the next play and go on adoring with the blindest
+infatuation. Were it not for this astounding gift of resilience one
+might deplore the prurient curiosity that wants to peep into the
+hollow image of Isis and get at the machinery of the priesthood.
+
+More human and wholesome is the satisfaction derived from the
+revelation of amateur foibles, for here we are laughing at ourselves,
+as in _A Pantomime Rehearsal_. In _The Show Shop_ this element was
+supplied by a young plutocrat who took a small part with a travelling
+company in order to be near his _fiancée_, the leading lady; and
+continued in it as _jeune premier_ because she refused to be made love
+to on the stage by anybody else. In assuming a _rôle_ for which he was
+incredibly ill-qualified he seemed likely to facilitate the
+achievement of his purpose, namely to make the play a hopeless failure
+and so secure the deliverance of his lady from the thraldom of her
+mother's ambitions and set her free to marry him.
+
+However, the failure failed to come off, and although he forgot to
+remove his overcoat (containing the stolen bonds) at a critical
+juncture on which the Great Situation turned--the error was so deadly
+that the mother, who had stage-managed the thing and was witnessing
+the first performance from a box, actually rose in her seat to correct
+it--the play was a roaring success; and there was nothing for it but a
+secret marriage, marred by the prospect of a two years' run "on
+Broadway."
+
+Mr. A. E. MATTHEWS, as the amateur, made extraordinarily good fun for
+us; and there was something fresh in the idea of following up the
+dress rehearsal with a first night. It not only gave the amateur his
+chance of making the big mistake against which he had been thoroughly
+warned, but our own applause allowed the company to put into practice
+the lessons they had learned in those sacred conventions which
+regulate the taking of a call.
+
+There are those who say that Transatlantic humour should be
+interpreted exclusively by a native cast, and that an Anglo-American
+alliance is a mistake. I trust President WILSON'S recent policy will
+not be affected by this view. Certainly, though the combination was
+responsible for the noisiest fun of the farce, the purely American
+performance of Miss MARGARET MOFFATT at the opening of the First Act
+was as good as anything in the play. But happily this is not one of
+those imported creations that overwhelm my uninstructed intelligence
+with exotic colour and exotic slang.
+
+Mr. EDMUND GWENN, as _Max Rosenbaum_, impresario, was in irresistible
+form. Miss MARIE LÖHR, in the part of the leading lady, was at her
+lightest and therefore her best; but Lady TREE (her designing mother),
+though she played very hard and incisively, could scarcely have
+satisfied her own very nice sense of humour with what was to be got
+out of a character that resembled nothing on earth (or the Eastern
+hemisphere anyhow).
+
+In the midst of all the mirth there was a pathetic passage between a
+couple of impecunious players, _Johnny Brinkley_ (played by Mr. GEORGE
+ELTON, who had many good things to say and said them well) and
+_Effie_, his wife, on the theme of the precariousness of their career.
+It must have melted the cynical heart of many a critic in the
+audience, and I for one was almost persuaded to confine myself for the
+future to encomium in these columns.
+
+However, there is no flattery in the compliments I beg to offer to Mr.
+JAMES FORBES for a very diverting evening. Perhaps the last Act
+dragged a little, but in any case after the orgy he had given us we
+were ripe for reaction. With most imported plays one is apt to doubt
+whether the humour is novel in its essence or merely a matter of
+unfamiliar form, common enough in its place of origin. But the humour
+of Mr. FORBES, or at least the best of it, is something more than
+American.
+                                                               O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She heard him blowing his nose on the hall mat, and
+    she understood the major sufficiently to know that this
+    portended something."--_Home Chat._
+
+We have always regarded this behaviour as ominous, even in the case
+of civilians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Once you have a wife and are tied down to the world, she
+    creates the necessity of a house and saves you from being a
+    wanderer on the face of the earth. No wife, no house. Hence,
+    say our Shastras, it is not the building called the house
+    that is the wife, it is the wife who is the house. And even
+    now, both among the high and the low, it is usual for a Hindu
+    to speak of his wife as his house."
+                     N. G. CHANDAVARKARIN "_The Times of India._"
+
+We foresee domestic trouble when the Flat system reaches India.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ECCENTRIC.
+
+Having alighted on strange ground at Chiswick Park Station, I was
+lost. My destination was HOGARTH'S House--one of the few homes of the
+illustrious which are preserved for pious pilgrims, but whether to go
+this way or that I had no notion, nor was there anyone to ask. I
+therefore turned to the left and, just after being half-blinded by a
+dusty whirlwind, stopped an errand-boy and was told by him I had done
+right, and had but to keep on.
+
+I therefore continued, but with so little confidence that a hundred
+yards further on I stopped another wayfarer, who, however, had no
+knowledge of any Hogarth but a local laundry of that name, and could
+not say where it was.
+
+It was then that I fell into the arms of as admirable although
+peculiar a man as I ever hope to meet, and communicative too. He was
+one of those elderly men who keep their youth, largely by virtue of
+cheerful spirits. He was short and active and he wore a cap. He had
+sandy-grey hair and a touch of sandy-grey whisker; his eye was bright
+and his cheeks were ruddy. He beamed with contentment. He may not have
+been, as the diverting Mr. BERRY says in _Tina_, "fearfully crisp,"
+but he was crisp enough.
+
+Did he know Chiswick? Why, he had known it for nearly sixty years.
+Then he knew HOGARTH'S House? No, he couldn't say he did, but, anyhow,
+it must be in the other direction, because this, strictly speaking,
+was Acton Green and not Chiswick at all. To get to Chiswick I ought to
+have gone the other way. "But a depraved errand-boy----" I began to
+say, and then realising that the recapitulation of other people's
+errors is perhaps the idlest form of speech, where nearly all lack
+necessity, I said instead that the natives did not seem to specialise
+much in knowledge of their locality; to which he replied that they
+ought to, for there was no more beautiful place in the world.
+
+"I'm going in the direction you want, myself," he added. "The fact is
+we're moving, and I've got to get some new blinds, and the shop's on
+your way."
+
+So we fell into step, I with great difficulty keeping up with his
+happy buoyancy.
+
+Yes, he admitted, moving was a trial, but his new house was far more
+comfortable than the old one, and, after all, what's a little trouble?
+
+This was a revolutionary enough remark, but when he went on to ask,
+Wasn't it a lovely spring morning? I felt shamed completely, for I was
+still angry with the gusts under the scudding sky. And it had been a
+lovely night, too, he added. Not a cloud all night. And a moon! such a
+moon! He never remembered a lovelier night. How did he know so much
+about the night? Why, he was a night watchman. In the General Omnibus
+Company. Had been for years. When then did he sleep? Oh, he would soon
+be in bed, but he liked a walk in the morning. Especially such a
+morning as this. In two hours' time he'd be fast asleep. Oh no, he
+didn't mind being on duty at night, and then, being in the General, he
+could have rides for nothing, and only the other day he'd been to
+Bushy Park to see the fallen trees. My, what a grand sight! He'd never
+seen so many fine trees on their sides. Wonderful it was.
+
+Didn't Chiswick look grand in the Spring? he asked me. Such lovely
+blossom in the gardens. Chiswick had once been famous for its fruit
+orchards, and many trees still remained. Didn't I think it pretty?
+
+As a matter of fact it was looking to me exactly like other suburbs;
+but I hadn't the heart to dash so enthusiastic and friendly a
+creature; so I said I thought Chiswick charming.
+
+And healthy, he went on: there wasn't a healthier place anywhere--all
+sand. Wherever you dug you'd find sand.
+
+I had a sudden vision of myself, spade in hand, testing this
+statement; but he allowed no time for such diversions of thought. The
+goodness of Chiswick and the importance of praising it were too urgent
+with him.
+
+After passing the station we came to a block of peculiarly hideous
+flats on the right. There, he said, pointing to them, wasn't that
+convenient? What could a clerk want better than that? For himself he
+couldn't ask a better fate than to live at Chiswick. Such a fine High
+Street, and the biggest music-hall in the suburbs. The picture palaces
+too. But he was sorry to say that some Chiswick people had taken to
+going to a new one at Hammersmith. That was a pity, he thought. Had I
+ever seen such a nice Green?
+
+By this time I was becoming stunned. I pinched myself to discover
+whether or not I dreamed. A Londoner, or Greater Londoner, pleased
+with his home; an Englishman of any description satisfied with
+anything English, and especially just now, when the rule is to cry
+stinking fish! What could be the matter?
+
+I would try him, I thought, in his most sensitive spot, his pocket;
+and the opportunity came naturally enough for we were passing the
+shops in the High Street and he began to extol their merits.
+
+"But isn't everything horribly dear nowadays?" I said.
+
+"Yes," he replied, gaily "it is; but I can remember when it was
+dearer."
+
+What is one to do with a man like that? Had we not now come to my
+turning, Duke's Avenue, where he bade me good-bye, I might have
+discovered that he did not think Lord KITCHENER an imbecile, Mr.
+BALFOUR a mere salary-hunter, and Mr. ASQUITH a traitor. To such an
+oddly constructed mind even those things were possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy (to Jock, on leave)._ "WHAT ABOUT THE LINGO?
+SUPPOSE YOU WANT AN EGG OVER THERE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?"
+
+_Jock._ "YE JUIST SAY, 'OOF'."
+
+_Tommy._ "BUT SUPPOSE YOU WANT TWO?"
+
+_Jock._ "YE SAY 'TWA OOFS,' AND THE SILLY AULD FULE WIFE GIES YE
+THREE, AND YE JUIST GIE HER BACK ONE. MAN, IT'S AN AWFU' EASY
+LANGUAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Mr. BELLOC can, I am sure, write entertainingly about any phase of the
+French Revolution on his head, and in _The Last Days of the French
+Monarchy_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) he has apparently done so. I cannot think
+it will add to his reputation. It will be something if it doesn't hurt
+it. He has taken a short story, and by a process of dextrous padding
+and the practice of a method, which is becoming an obsession with him,
+of going deep into the obvious with much industry and circumstance, he
+has contrived, with the addition of a number of plates--some of
+singular irrelevance--a fattish book. Even ignorant persons like this
+Learned Clerk are apt to be chagrined by being so obviously written
+down to. On the other hand, naturally, an author who knows his
+intriguing subject so well and drives so forceful a pen cannot fail to
+be interesting. The historian seems most concerned to prove, by his
+familiar and plausible method of going over the ground "in the same
+season, in the same weather, after the same rains, in the same mist,"
+that the Prussian charge by Valmy Mill miscarried only because the
+infantry got bogged in marsh that looked like stubble. So now we know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the list of books already published by Mr. CECIL HEADLAM it is
+easy to see that he is by choice a topographer rather than a novelist.
+Indeed the fact is made sufficiently obvious to the reader of _Red
+Screes_ (SMITH, ELDER). Its sub-title is _A Romance of Lakeland_, and
+so strongly developed is the place-spirit in its author that he is
+constantly breaking the rather tenuous thread of his story to
+introduce long descriptions of Cumberland scenery and people, and as
+this is most easily done by sending his chief characters for walks in
+the districts that Mr. HEADLAM wishes to talk about the result is that
+I seldom read a novel in which the protagonists were kept so sternly
+on the move. But I am far from saying that the result is not happy
+enough, especially for those readers who already know and love the
+neighbourhood that the author handles so well. As for the tale, that,
+as I have hinted, is nothing to keep you awake o' nights. There is a
+millionaire in it, with one daughter (whom he hates) and a very
+unpleasant secretary, who loves the daughter for her prospects and a
+country lass for her looks; and there is a great deal of the most
+unconvincing finance that ever I read, even in fiction. As for the
+secretary's end, it wouldn't be fair to give that away, as it is
+really the only point at which the plot quickens into sufficient
+vigour to hold its own with the setting. Mr. HEADLAM obviously both
+knows and loves the land of red screes; I am doubtful whether he is as
+much at home with the stock-manipulators of Wall Street or their
+emotional offspring. And I don't like his introduction of the second
+heroine--"The girl's head was bare, save for the crowning glory of
+womanhood." What I mean is, if it hadn't had that much covering----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The King's Men_ (SECKER) are just our friends, yours and mine and Mr.
+JOHN PALMER'S, who have exchanged their tools and toys, their pens,
+wigs, brushes, books, spats and dreams for stars (one, two or three)
+and scars; all drawn into the Great Adventure which began on that 4th
+of August so many long years ago. Dilettante _Pelham_, prig and
+pacificist not from passion but from detachment, always so unbeatable
+in argument and always so wrong; sportsman _Rivers_, seeing simply and
+straight; crank _Smith_; comfortable _Baddeley_ in his snug Government
+berth; poser _Ponsonby_, always doing the thing that's the thing to
+do; exquisite _Graham_, with his fair lodge in the wilderness--all
+hallowed by the great consecration. There are, too, the King's women
+and an unhappy necessary stay-at-home or two, and a big and rather
+crude contractor, who will be master in his own works. But the young
+men are the folk Mr. PALMER best understands and presents in turns of
+clever and vehement talk. I beg you to read this book for these good
+things and for a tender love of England which shines nobly between the
+lines of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Perhaps _Fauvette_, the heroine of _The Green Orchard_ (CASSELL), was
+too modern to have much acquaintance with the works of the late
+WILLIAM BLACK. Which was a pity, as a recollection of _A Daughter of
+Heth_ might have withheld her from her impulsive marriage with _Martin
+Wilderspin_, or from feeling so much like a gold-fish out of water
+when he took her away from Paris to share a life that was a dreary
+contrast to all her previous experience. In any case I cannot hold her
+blameless for the resulting shipwreck. A bride who comes down late for
+a most critical little dinner to her husband's family, and attires
+herself (see cover) like a circus-rider, simply is not giving
+matrimony a fair chance. Moreover I seem to observe that Mr. ANDREW
+SOUTAR thinks this was rather sporting in his heroine. He certainly
+loads the dice in her favour, for, when the inevitable had happened
+and _Martin_ and _Fauvette_ had separated, the lady sought the
+consolations of literature and became (as heroines will) the sensation
+of the hour. Though _The Green Orchard_ is a brisk easy-running tale
+fidelity to life is hardly its strong point. Of course it was not to
+be expected that _Fauvette_ would escape being adored by _Martin's_
+best friend; the real touch of originality is the final reward of this
+kind gentleman. For my own part I certainly expected--but to tell you
+that would be to betray what doesn't happen. The whole affair is a
+pleasant respite from actuality: more, I fear, it would be impossible
+to say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kind Old Lady._ "I SEE THERE IS AN URGENT APPEAL FOR
+MORE LITERATURE FOR OUR FIGHTING MEN. I THOUGHT SOME LONELY SOLDIER OR
+SAILOR MIGHT LIKE TO REVIVE MEMORIES OF THE DEAR HOMELAND WITH THIS
+VOLUME OF THE POST OFFICE DIRECTORY FOR 1899."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the description of a polar-bear's escapade in the Edinburgh
+"Zoo":--
+
+    "The keepers now appeared, and with the assistance of
+    of gun-firing and much noise the animal was quietly
+    shepherded back to its accustomed place of confinement."
+                                   _North British Agriculturist._
+
+"Quietly" was a happy thought.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+CL, April 26, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 30575-8.txt or 30575-8.zip *****
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, April 26, 1916.</title>
+<style type="text/css">
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+.note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;}
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+.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;}
+.poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;}
+.poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;}
+.figcenter {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em;
+            margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;}
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+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL,
+April 26, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL, April 26, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 1, 2009 [EBook #30575]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Ritu Aggarwal, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><b>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:</b> Printer's inconsistencies in spelling, punctuation, hyphenation,
+and ligature usage have been retained.</p>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. CL.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">April 26, 1916.</span></h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page273" id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span></p>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">General Villa</span>, in pursuit of whom a United States army has already
+penetrated four hundred miles into Mexico, is alleged to have died. It
+is not considered likely, however, that he will escape as easily as
+all that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Germans net the Sound," says a recent issue of a contemporary. We
+don't know what profit they will get out of it, but we ourselves in
+these hard times are only too glad to net anything.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Bags of coffee taken from a Norwegian steamer and destined for German
+consumption have been found to contain rubber. Once more the
+immeasurable superiority of the German chemist as a deviser of
+synthetic substitutes for ordinary household commodities is clearly
+illustrated. What a contrast to our own scientists, whose use of this
+most valuable food substitute has never gone far beyond an occasional
+fowl or beefsteak.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It has been suggested that in honour of the tercentenary of <span
+class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> birth Barclay's brewery should be replaced
+by a new theatre, a replica of the old Globe Theatre, whose site it is
+supposed to occupy; and Mr. <span class="smcap">Reginald McKenna</span> is understood to have
+stated that it is quite immaterial to him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Horseflesh is on sale in the West End," says <i>The Daily Telegraph</i>,
+"and the public analyst at Westminster reports having examined a
+smoked horseflesh sausage and found it genuine." It is only fair to
+our readers, however, to point out that the method of testing sausages
+now in vogue, <i>i.e.</i> with a stethoscope, is only useful for
+ascertaining the identity of the animal (if any) contained therein,
+and is valueless in the case of sausages that are filled with sawdust,
+india-rubber shavings, horsehair and other vegetables.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Wandsworth Borough has refused the offer of a horse trough on the
+ground that there are not enough horses to use it. But there are
+always plenty of shirkers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Colonel <span class="smcap">Churchill</span> was reported on Tuesday last as having been seen
+entering the side door of No. 11, Downing Street. It was, of course,
+the critical stage door.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Austrian Government has issued an appeal for dogs "for sanitary
+purposes." The valuable properties of the dog for sterilising sausage
+casings have long been a secret of the Teuton.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Real Harris Hand-Knitted Socks, 1<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>: worth 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>;
+unwearable."&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+    <a href="images/308.png"><img width="100%" src="images/308.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Shopkeeper.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, I want a good useful lad to be partly indoors and partly outdoors.</span>"</p>
+    <p><i>Applicant.</i> "<span class="smcap">And what becomes of me when the door slams?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A Chance for the Illiterate.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Wanted, a good, all-round Gardener; illegible."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Gardener.&mdash;Wanted at once, clever experienced man with good
+knowledge of toms., cucs., mums., &amp;c., to work up small nursery."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>One with a knowledge of nursery language preferred.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote> <p>"<span class="smcap">Manchester, Eng.</span> The election of directors of the Manchester Chamber
+of Commerce resulted in the return of eighteen out of twenty-two
+directors who are definitely committed to the policy of no free trade
+with the 60th Canadian Battalion."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Victoria Colonist (B.C.).</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We hope the battalion will not retaliate by refusing protection to
+Manchester, Eng.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE CURSE OF BABEL.</h2>
+
+<p>Let me tell you about the Baronne de Blanqueville and her grandson.</p>
+
+<p>The Baronne is a Belgian lady who came to England in the early days of
+the refugee movement, and established herself here in our village.</p>
+
+<p>With her came her younger daughter and Lou-lou, the infant son of an
+elder daughter, who had for some reason to be left behind in Belgium.</p>
+
+<p>Lou-lou was a year old when, with his grandmother and his aunt, he
+settled in England as an <i>&eacute;migr&eacute;</i>. He was then
+inarticulate; now he has gained the use of his tongue.</p>
+
+<p>He has had a little English nursemaid to attend on him, and he has
+become a familiar object in many English families of the
+neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<p>In fact, he has had a very English bringing up, and now that he is
+more than two years old and can talk, he insists on talking English
+with volubility and understanding it with completeness.</p>
+
+<p>I may mention, by the way, that someone has taught him some
+expressions unusual in so young a mouth. The other day I met him in
+his perambulator. He said, "I take the air. I'm damn comfable;"
+whereupon the nursemaid blushed and chid him.</p>
+
+<p>That, however, is not the point&mdash;at any rate, not the whole of
+it.</p>
+
+<p>What I wish to make clear is this: the Baronne neither speaks nor
+understands English, whereas Lou-lou speaks a great deal of English
+and no French at all. He rejects that language with a violent shake of
+his curly head. He stamps his small foot and tells his adoring
+grandmother to speak English or leave him alone.</p>
+
+<p>Thus a gulf has begun to yawn between the Baronne and her beloved
+Lou-lou. Communications are all but broken off. Lou-lou's aunt is in
+better case, for she is slowly acquiring English; but the Baronne, I
+think, will never learn <i>any</i> English.</p>
+
+<p>What is to be done?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The rage for flower-trimming is nothing short of an
+obeisance."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In spite of the War we still bow to the decrees of fashion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page274" id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE JOY TAX.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p style='text-align:center;'>[By one who is prepared to accept it like
+a patriot without further protest.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now Spring comes laughing down the sky</p>
+<p class="i2">To see her buds all busy hatching;</p>
+<p class="i4">With tender green the woods are gay,</p>
+<p class="i4">And birds, as is their April way,</p>
+<p>Chirp merrily on the bough, and I</p>
+<p class="i2">Chirp, too, because it's catching.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Full many a joy I must eschew</p>
+<p class="i2">And to the tempter's voice "No! No!" say;</p>
+<p class="i4">With taxes laid on all delights</p>
+<p class="i4">Must miss, with other mirthful sights,</p>
+<p>On Monday next my annual view</p>
+<p class="i2">Of England's Art Expos&eacute;.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I must forgo (and bear the worst</p>
+<p class="i2">With what I can of noble calm) a</p>
+<p class="i4">Pure bliss from which I only part</p>
+<p class="i4">With horrid pain about the heart&mdash;</p>
+<p>I mean the humour unrehearsed</p>
+<p class="i2">Of serious British drama.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But, thank the Lord, I need not miss</p>
+<p class="i2">The birds that in their leafy nook coo;</p>
+<p class="i4">Young Spring is mine to taste at large,</p>
+<p class="i4">The Ministry has made no charge</p>
+<p>For earth that warms to April's kiss;</p>
+<p class="i2">They haven't taxed the cuckoo!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">O.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A VOLUNTEER CASUALTY.</h2>
+
+<p>We were "standing easy" prior to the assault on the undefended heights
+of Spanker's Hill when the voice of the platoon-commander disturbed
+our thoughts of home and loved ones, and particularly of our Sunday
+dinners, which would be very much out of season before we could get at
+them.</p>
+
+<p>"Number 4," he said, in a tone that thrilled us to the bottom twist of
+our puttees, "these Body-Snatchers (thus coarsely he alluded to the
+Ambulance Section) have been following us all day and haven't had a
+single casualty so far. That is why, in the coming advance, I shall be
+wounded. Sergeant, you will take over the command, should the worst
+befall. Smith and Williams, as you are both big and heavy, you'd
+better be knocked out too."</p>
+
+<p>It was with mingled feelings that I heard my name mentioned. In the
+first place, a feeling of annoyance was engendered at having my
+proportions thus publicly referred to. But other, and I trust
+worthier, thoughts came to me, and, turning to my neighbour, I gave
+him a few last messages of a suitably moving nature to be delivered to
+my friends. The kind-hearted fellow was deeply affected, and in a
+voice broken by emotion offered to take charge of my loose change, and
+asked for my watch as a keepsake. I thanked him with tears in my eyes,
+but said that the burial party would forward all my valuables to my
+relations.</p>
+
+<p>Our conversation was interrupted by the command "Platoon&mdash;'<small>SHUN</small>.
+To the left, to six paces, ex-<small>TEND</small>." By an oversight the preliminary
+formation usually adopted as a precaution against artillery had been
+omitted, and in a moment we were advancing up the hill in open order.</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely had we started when our officer, the pride of the platoon,
+threw up his hands and fell. A moment later, chancing on a piece of
+tempting grass, I decided to lie down, and with a choking gurgle
+collapsed. As I lay on my back in an appropriate attitude (copied from
+the cinema) I wondered when the stretcher-party would appear, for the
+grass was damp and the April wind was chilly; but it was not long
+before a bright boy, rather over than under military age, ran up and,
+after a brief glance at me, began to signal with great vigour. He
+meant well, and out of consideration for his feelings I restrained a
+desire to tell him that he was creating a beastly draught. However, I
+asked him if he had any brandy, and, on receiving an answer in the
+negative, groaned deeply.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you very bad?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied; "but if I lie here much longer I'll catch cold. Tell
+your people to hurry up."</p>
+
+<p>When the stretcher-party arrived they decided that I had been shot in
+the chest, and, to get at the wound, began to remove my garments, till
+arrested by some virile language thrown off from the part affected.
+Then they began to carry me towards the gate of the park, despite the
+fact that the stretcher had been meant to hold someone about six
+inches shorter than I. Almost immediately the rear man, tripping on a
+root, fell on top of me, and the front man, being brought to a sudden
+stop, sat on my feet. When we had sorted ourselves out, and I had
+stopped talking, more from lack of breath than of matter, we resumed
+our journey.</p>
+
+<p>After a matter of some three hundred yards the bearers began to feel
+tired, and, suddenly rolling me off the stretcher, they informed me
+that I was discharged as cured. Thus rapidly does a soldier of the
+Volunteers recover. It speaks volumes not only for their high state of
+physical condition but for the resilience of their <i>moral</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Intelligent Anticipation.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Bucharest, 8.&mdash;The 'Universul' has opened a list of
+subscriptions in favour of the widows and victims of the coming
+Austro-Roumanian war."&mdash;<i>Balkan News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"'<span class="smcap">Where Angels fear to Tread' at the &mdash;&mdash; Picture
+Theatre.</span>"&mdash;<i>Hastings Observer.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The management doesn't mind so long as the fools rush in.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Smyth-Pigotts are the owners of Brockley Court and Brockley Hall,
+near Congresbury, a pretty village which&mdash;like
+Majoribanks&mdash;is pronounced Coomesbury."&mdash;<i>Daily Sketch.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Just as, according to the old story, Cholmondeley is pronounced
+Marjoribanks.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Monster Carnival! In aid of Returned Soldiers' Association. Novel
+Attractions!!! Realistic Egyptian Pillage, just as our soldiers saw
+it. Egyptian goods can be purchased here."&mdash;<i>Adelaide Register.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We hope this does not mean that our gallant Anzacs have been spoiling
+the Egyptians.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="smcap">A lady</span> would like to let her beautifully furnished <span class="smcap">House</span> or part, or
+three or four paying guests; from &pound;2 10s. each."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Bournemouth Daily Echo.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We have heard of paying guests whom their hosts would have been glad
+to part with at an even lower figure.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Notice.&mdash;Found, a Broadwood Piano. Apply, Barrack Warden, No. 1,
+Barrack Store, &mdash;&mdash; Barracks."&mdash;<i>Aldershot Command
+Orders.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We think some recent criticism of Army administration is undeserved.
+Care is evidently taken in regard to even little things carelessly
+left about by the soldier.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"When the election does come there will be no need to ask these
+useless M.P.'s to resign. They can be kicked out, and there are plenty
+of workmen in the country who are ready to lend a hand at the kicking.
+The genuine Labour M.P. is known now, so also is the impostor, who,
+like the party hack, hails from nowhere."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Letter in "The Times."</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We suppose the manual kick, as described above, is the non-party hack.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page275" id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+    <a href="images/310.png"><img width="100%" src="images/310.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>SERBIA COMES AGAIN.</h3>
+    <p><span class="smcap">The Bulgar.</span> "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page276" id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<h3>XXXVIII.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My dear Charles,</span>&mdash;One of these days I will tell you the more
+intimate history of the Corps to which I have the honour to belong,
+and this will give you some cause for mirth. Its members are of all
+sorts, ages and origins, and they have had between them some odd
+experiences since that first day when, parading hastily in Kensington
+Gardens, they wished they hadn't been quite so glib, in their anxiety
+to get to war, about professing full knowledge of the ways and wiles
+of the motor bicycle. One at least of them paid the price of
+inexactitude then and there; he still shudders to think how, put to
+the test, he unintentionally left the Park for a no less fashionable
+but much more crowded thoroughfare, to arrive eventually, in the prone
+position, in a byway of Piccadilly, where small fragments of the
+machine may still be collected by industrious seekers of curios.</p>
+
+<p>Another, whom the low cunning of the Criminal Bar enabled to avoid the
+immediate test, paid the full price, with compound interest, later on.
+Casual observers of the retreat, had there been any, would have become
+familiar with the sight of him bringing up the rear&mdash;a very poor
+last. To see him arrive, perspiring, over the brow of a hill, with his
+faithful motor at his side, was to know that the Huns were at the
+bottom of it. On one occasion they even beat him in the day's march,
+but were too kind or too blind to seize their advantage. As usual he
+was taking his obsession along with him, though, if he had but known,
+he might have got it to do the work by the simple formality of turning
+the petrol tap from <small>OFF</small> to <small>ON</small>.
+His was ever a curious life, from the first moment of his joining the
+Army in tails, a bowler hat, and a large sword wrapped in a homely
+newspaper. But the inward fun of it all is not for the present,
+Charles; our clear old friends, the Exigencies, forbidding.</p>
+
+<p>I am reminded of it all by having just crossed with one of the
+later-joined members. He came fresh from the line to a Head-quarters,
+and he was walking about in a lane, working off some of his awe of his
+new surroundings, when he was overtaken by a car containing a General,
+who stopped and asked him what he was. So imposing was the account he
+gave of himself that it was said to him, "No doubt, then, you'll know
+the way to &mdash;&mdash;," a village at the back of beyond, where a
+division was lying at rest. In the Army, at any rate at a
+Head-quarters, we all know everything. So he said, "No doubt, Sir,"
+hoping, if the worst came to the worst, to give some vague directions
+and not to be present when they were found wanting. But it was his bad
+luck to have struck one of the more affable Generals. Could he spare
+the time to come along and direct the driver?</p>
+
+<p>So on to the box he got (it was a closed car) and, with the General's
+eye always upon his back, he did his best as guide, a task for which
+his previous career of stockbroker had ill qualified him. The first
+thing to happen was that the car, proceeding down a narrow lane, got
+well into the middle of a battalion on the march, which, when the car
+was firmly jammed amongst the transport, ceased to be on the march,
+and took a generous ten minutes' halt.... The second thing to happen
+was a level crossing; which, as they approached it, changed its mind
+about being a road and became a railway. A nice long train duly
+arrived, and (this needs no exaggeration) stayed there, with a few
+restless movements, for twenty minutes by the clock.... The third
+thing to happen was that he lost himself (and the General); the fourth
+was the falling of dusk, and the fifth a ploughed field, with which my
+friend, alighting, had to confess that he was not so intimately
+acquainted as he could have wished.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+    <a href="images/311.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>THE TRENCH TOUCH.</h3>
+    <p><i>Warrior in bunker (to caddie, who is seeing if the course is clear).</i> "<span class="smcap">Keep down, you fool!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Had there been a scene, he could, he says, have endured the worst
+bravely, standing to attention and taking it as it came. Not so,
+however; his was the wrong sort of General for the purpose. As does
+the partner at the dance, over whose priceless gown you have upset the
+indelible ice, he said it didn't matter. He said he'd give the
+division a miss, and return whence they had come. This they began to
+do, when they had got the car out of the ploughed field, and this they
+went on doing until the sixth thing happened, which was a burst tyre.</p>
+
+<p>Again, had there been a scene, my man could have explained that this
+wasn't his fault; but no one <i>said</i> it was his fault. Equally it was
+never openly alleged that he was to blame for the driver's not being
+prepared with a spare wheel ready for use. But his embarrassment was
+such that my man was grateful to heaven for reminding him at this
+juncture of the existence of R.F.C. Head-quarters, about a kilometre
+away. He said he'd run and borrow a wheel off them, and before the
+General could say him nay he'd started.... He ran all the way, and
+burst, panting, into the officers' mess, where he had the misfortune
+to strike another itinerant General.</p>
+
+<p>It never rains but it pours, and the area seemed to be infested with
+Generals of quite the wrong sort. He couldn't have hit upon a more
+kind and genial and inappropriate one than this. No, he wouldn't allow
+a word of apology or explanation from this exhausted lieutenant until
+the latter had rested and refreshed himself with a cup of tea. No, not
+out of that pot; it had been standing too long. Tea which had stood
+should not be drunk, for reasons detailed at length. No doubt the
+Colonel, whose guest he was, would order some more to be made. It
+would take two minutes&mdash;it did take twenty. No, no; there was
+nothing to say and nothing need be said. It was this General's
+particular wish that he should be at peace and make himself at home.
+Let him make his explanations and apologies later.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever you would have done, my overwhelmed friend
+temporized. He was just edging the conversation round
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="page277" id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span>
+to the other General, waiting alone in the dark wet road, when the
+General in the nice warm room rose to go, commanding my friend not to
+disturb himself on that account. Being a man of some years he was a
+slow goer; being a General, he was not to be interrupted in his
+going....</p>
+
+<p>I don't know exactly how it all ended, nor, you may not be surprised
+to learn, does my friend, though he is always expecting to hear.</p>
+
+<p>There was also on our boat a subaltern, coming to France for the first
+time. He wanted me to tell him all about it. How well I know these
+subalterns who want to know all about it. I was one myself once. Does
+he ask you what it's like in the mud? Does he listen if you give him
+details of bloodshed? Does he inquire about the food, the washing
+facilities, parapet or parados; what a time-fuse does when its time
+has expired, or even as to the use and abuse of the entrenching tool?
+No, he's for war only, and there's only one question in war: Do you or
+do you not need a Sam Browne belt in the trenches?</p>
+
+<p>It is an old question; there is no solution. I told him that some say
+one thing and some say another, and, as both are authorities with whom
+you are not in a position to argue, the only way to get out of the
+difficulty is to keep out of the trenches.</p>
+
+<p class="author">Yours ever, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <span class="smcap">Henry.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+    <a href="images/312.png"><img width="100%" src="images/312.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>OUR AMAZON CORPS "STANDING EASY."</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a hotel advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p style='text-align:center;'>"<span class="smcap">Excellent Cuisine. Separate Stables.</span>"</p>
+<p class="author"><i>West-Country Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The <span class="smcap">Wise King</span> must have had a presentiment of this arrangement when he
+wrote: "Better a dinner of herbs, where love is, than a stalled ox and
+hatred therewith."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Premier (Sir Alexander Peacock) said that many years ago, when
+the world rang with the atrocities of Turks, Rev. Dr. Parker startled
+the whole world when, in a fiery address on those awful atrocities
+which were visited on the Christians, he cried, 'Dod damn the Sultan.'
+Now, when they heard of the cruelties and indescribable sufferings
+which had been visited upon the innocent people in order to satisfy
+the ideas of one man they could say, 'Kod damn the Kaiser.' (Great
+cheers)."&mdash;<i>Sydney Daily Telegraph.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Strong language for a Premier! But the printer has done his best to
+tone it down.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">VIII.&mdash;Orchard Street.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p>The fruit hangs ripe, the fruit hangs sweet,</p>
+<p>High and low in my Orchard Street,</p>
+<p>Apples and pears, cherries and plums,</p>
+<p>Something for everyone who comes.</p>
+<p class="i6">If you're a Pedlar</p>
+<p class="i6">I'll give you a medlar;</p>
+<p class="i6">If you're a Prince</p>
+<p class="i6">I'll give you a quince;</p>
+<p class="i6">If you're a Queen,</p>
+<p class="i6">A nectarine;</p>
+<p class="i6">If you're the King</p>
+<p class="i6">Take anything,</p>
+<p>Apricots, mulberries, melons or red and white</p>
+<p>Currants like rubies and pearls on a string!</p>
+<p class="i6">Little girls each</p>
+<p class="i6">Shall have a peach,</p>
+<p>Boys shall have grapes that hang just out of reach&mdash;</p>
+<p>Nothing's to pay, whatever you eat</p>
+<p>Of the fruit that grows in my Orchard Street.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"USEFL. hlp. ckng. no wshg. fam. 2."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Morning Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Th. is rl. wd. plp. ecnmy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page278" id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span></p>
+
+<h2>A NIGHT OUT WITH A ZEPPELIN.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">By Karl Von Weekend<br />
+(hyphenated neutral).</span><br />
+(<i>Concluded.</i>)</h3>
+
+<p>Beneath us&mdash;beneath, in a manner of speaking, the iron heel of
+the all-conquering Fatherland&mdash;lay perfidious England. I, as a
+mere layman, had, of course, not the vaguest idea as to precisely what
+vital portion of the doomed island was immediately below us. Not so my
+host, the Captain Sigismund von M&uuml;nchhausen, who suddenly snapped
+together the stethoscope through which he had been gazing and rapped
+out a monosyllabic order down the speaking tube at his right hand.</p>
+
+<p>"We are now," he said, turning courteously to me, "diametrically above
+the entrenched camp of Little Tillingham-under-Hill." A fearful crash
+sounded from the depths below and a voice muttered something through
+the speaking tube. "A hit!" cried the Captain without emotion.
+"Ober-Leutnant von Dachswurst reports that the Arsenal, three
+munitions factories and two infant schools are in flames. Ah! Now we
+have reached Birmingham!" Another crash rent the abysm. "Now Glasgow!"
+A third terrific explosion was audible.</p>
+
+<p>"But," I cried, "we can't have got from Birmingham to Glasgow in
+thirty-five seconds." For a moment the Captain's eyes flashed angrily.
+He clenched his feet, and, remembering the horrible fate of the
+seasick sailor, I crouched against the bulwark. With an effort,
+however, the man mastered himself. I was relieved to see an enigmatic
+smile overspread his countenance.</p>
+
+<p>"It is plain," he said, in the voice of one patiently rebuking a
+child, "that you do not know what a German airship can do. Ah! ha!
+There goes Bristol!" he added, as further detonations smote upon our
+ears.</p>
+
+<p>And so the hideous carnage proceeded. Grasmere, Aberystwith,
+Stratford-on-Avon, Freshwater Bay and the Lizard&mdash;with dreadful
+precision these teeming hives of English industry were laid waste,
+incinerated, scattered to the winds in fine impalpable dust. I thought
+sadly of the brave men in khaki that were being cut off by the
+thousand in their prime (for the gallant Captain had taken the utmost
+precaution not to drop any of his bombs in the neighbourhood of
+non-combatants). But, after all, I mused, they will soon be replaced
+by intelligent Germans, a blessing that civilization will not be slow
+to appreciate.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment the Captain approached me with an object in his hand.
+"You neutrals," he said, "have been deceived before now by the
+ridiculous reports disseminated by our enemies as to the results of
+these raids. But here is the proof." He then explained to me that to
+every Zeppelin was attached a large sinker or plummet, which was
+covered with grease and lowered from a drum to a few yards above the
+spot where the bomb was destined to fall. To this plummet adhered
+fragments of various objects, animate or other, which the explosion of
+the missile hurled into the air. Such a fragment the Captain was now
+extending for my observation. I admitted that to my uninitiated eye it
+closely resembled a portion of the outer surface of a cow or some
+kindred animal. "You are indeed ignorant," said my host, smiling in
+the same enigmatic way. "The object is undoubtedly a fragment of the
+propeller shaft of a large vessel, which satisfies me that at Swanage,
+where our last bomb was dropped, a portion of the High Seas Fleet was
+anchored. And as a matter of fact," he added, producing a small dark
+object from his pocket, "here is a part of Sir <span class="smcap">John Jellicoe's</span>
+necktie. Notice how precisely it tallies with the descriptions
+furnished by our secret agents, one of whom is actually engaged about
+the Admiral's person disguised as a pastry-cook."</p>
+
+<p>Here, then, was the proof. One could not doubt the evidence of one's
+senses. But mine had been subjected to an unusual test that night, and
+when the Captain, well satisfied with his night's work, courteously
+invited me to have another glass of schnapps with him I accepted with
+alacrity. The glass was hardly at my lips when an orderly announced
+that we were at anchor in the shed. Thanking the brave Captain for the
+most wonderful experience of a not uninteresting lifetime, I hurried
+away to my hotel and fell into a deep slumber. When I awoke late that
+afternoon my manservant placed in my hand the last edition of the
+London <i>Times</i>. It stated that there had been a Zeppelin raid, and
+that 19 civilians, three cows, four churches, two rows of cottages,
+one omnibus, and no soldiers had been destroyed.</p>
+
+<p>I smiled&mdash;enigmatically.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Socialist Working Man, aged 25, would welcome companionship of
+Socialist exempted conscientious objector, chiefly for week-end
+cycling; or athletic lady holding similar views would suit, residing
+North Kent area."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Socialist Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It would be much better for him to meet an athletic lady not holding
+similar views.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE OCC. POET'S APOLOGIA.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p>Where the moon's unmitigated crescent,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sailing through the amethystine deeps,</p>
+<p>With a smile sardonic and senescent</p>
+<p class="i2">Down upon our Armageddon peeps;</p>
+<p>Thither, drawn by sympathy ecstatic,</p>
+<p class="i2">Like a shooting star my spirit flies</p>
+<p>From the company of gross, lymphatic</p>
+<p class="i2">Souls entangled by terrestrial ties.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Where the sombre azimuths are booming,</p>
+<p class="i2">Flecked with argent elemental foam,</p>
+<p>And the stately colocynths are blooming</p>
+<p class="i2">In a salicylic monochrome;</p>
+<p>There, transported on pellucid pinions,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sick of common sense I seek repose,</p>
+<p>Far from the disconsolate dominions</p>
+<p class="i2">Tainted by the tyranny of prose.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O'er the whole translunar gamut ranging.</p>
+<p class="i2">There my astral body slides and skims,</p>
+<p>Choriambic melodies exchanging</p>
+<p class="i2">With the apolaustic cherubims;</p>
+<p>Weaving in a polyphonic pattern</p>
+<p class="i2">Harmonies that mock at clefs and bars;</p>
+<p>Toying with the shining rings of Saturn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Throwing star-dust in the eyes of Mars.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>There, suspended in a sumptuous limbo,</p>
+<p class="i2">Like a happier version of the boy</p>
+<p>Drawn by Mr. <span class="smcap">Blackwood</span> in his <i>Jimbo</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">I shall taste of bliss without alloy;</p>
+<p>Other minstrels may indulge in fighting,</p>
+<p class="i2">I myself cannot so far forget</p>
+<p>As to shun the raptures of inditing</p>
+<p class="i2">Occ. verse for the <i>Bestspinster Gazette</i>.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>For our "Glimpses of the Obvious":</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"An interesting feature in the prone trees was that they all fell in
+one direction, showing the direction from which the blast came."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Morning Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"So soft and loose was the earth that the trench walls had to be
+rivetted."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Sketch.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A very curious treatment. Personally we always use a safety-pin.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Inquiries are being received at Lloyds for insurance to pay total
+loss in case of peace being declared during the present war."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Montreal Gazette.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We ourselves should take our chance of this contingency.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The total import value of matches is less
+than &pound;1,000,000 per annum, and if &pound;2,000,000
+is to be collected, it will make matches 6d.
+or even more per dozen."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span> surely cannot have realized this.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page279" id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span></p>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE SENTIMENTAL DRAMA.</h2>
+
+<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" width="80%" summary="Pansy Faces">
+<tr align="center">
+  <td width="50%" valign="top">
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+    <a href="images/314-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314-1.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><span class="smcap">Reginald Carstairs, reading during the vacation at a
+    remote country village, falls in love with the landlady's fair daughter, Rosie.
+    In the old orchard she would sing to him "Pansy Faces.</span>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </td>
+  <td width="50%" valign="top">
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+    <a href="images/314-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314-2.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><span class="smcap">Reginald's haughty father will not hear of his union with the rustic
+    girl, and marries him to a wealthy heiress. He continually annoys her
+    by picking out on the piano the music of an old song. And so they
+    reach a loveless middle-age.</span></p>
+    </div>
+  </td>
+</tr>
+<tr align="center">
+  <td width="50%" valign="top">
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+    <a href="images/314-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314-3.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><span class="smcap">In the meantime Rosie has had her voice cultivated, And, Under the
+    Name of "La Belle Rossignolette," Has Taken the Continent by storm. In the midst
+    of her greatest triumphs, however, she is often <i>distraite</i>.</span></p>
+    </div>
+  </td>
+  <td width="50%" valign="top">
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+    <a href="images/314-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314-4.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><span class="smcap">Coming at length to London, she appears in Grand Opera. For her first
+    night Carstairs, little knowing her true identity, has taken the
+    stage-box. She recognises him, and, instead of singing her opening
+    song, electrifies the house by giving "Pansy Faces.</span>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </td>
+</tr>
+<tr align="center">
+  <td width="50%" valign="top">
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+    <a href="images/314-5.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314-5.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><span class="smcap">In the sensation that ensues the theatre catches fire. Rosie rescues
+    Reginald, but his wife perishes in the flames.</span></p>
+    </div>
+  </td>
+  <td width="50%" valign="top">
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+    <a href="images/314-6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314-6.png" alt="" /></a>
+    <p><span class="smcap">In the evening of life: "Pansy Faces."</span></p>
+    </div>
+  </td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page280" id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+<a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%" src="images/315.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The above squad, containing an ex-contortionist, has just received the
+following instruction:&mdash;"At the command 'Backward bend,' place
+the hands on the hips and bend back as far as possible."</span></p>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2>MORE EYE-WASH.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p>Whene'er I see some high brass-hatted man</p>
+<p class="i2">Inspect the Dep&ocirc;t with his ribboned train,</p>
+<p>When all seems spick and absolutely span</p>
+<p class="i2">And no man spits and nothing gives him pain,</p>
+<p>I think what blissful ignorance is theirs</p>
+<p class="i2">Who only see us on inspection days,</p>
+<p>And wonder, could they catch us unawares,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would they be still so eloquent of praise?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They think the soldiers are a cleanly type,</p>
+<p class="i2">For all their brass is bright with elbow-fat,</p>
+<p>Burnished their bayonets and oiled their hyp;</p>
+<p class="i2">Do they suppose they always look like that?</p>
+<p>They see the quarters beautiful and gay,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet never realise, with all their lore,</p>
+<p>Those bright new beds were issued yesterday</p>
+<p class="i2">And will to-morrow be returned to store.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They doubtless say, "Was ever drill so deft?</p>
+<p class="i2">Were ever rifles so precisely sloped?</p>
+<p>Observe that section change direction left</p>
+<p class="i2">So much, much better than the best we hoped;"</p>
+<p>But little know with what grim enterprise</p>
+<p class="i2">For week on week that clever-looking crew</p>
+<p>Have practised up for their especial eyes</p>
+<p class="i2">The sole man&#339;uvre they can safely do.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And I could tell where many a canker gnaws</p>
+<p class="i2">Within the walls they fancy free from sin;</p>
+<p>I know how officers infringe their laws,</p>
+<p class="i2">I know the corners where the men climb in;</p>
+<p>I know who broke the woodland fence to bits</p>
+<p class="i2">And what platoon attacked the Shirley cow,</p>
+<p>While the dull Staff, for all their frantic chits,</p>
+<p class="i2">Know not the truth of that distressing row.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>These are the things I think they should be taught,</p>
+<p class="i2">But, since I know what ages must elapse,</p>
+<p>What forms be filled, what signatures be sought,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere I have speech with such exalted chaps,</p>
+<p>I here announce that they are much misled,</p>
+<p class="i2">That they should see us when we think them far,</p>
+<p>Should steal upon us, all unheralded,</p>
+<p class="i2">And find what frauds, what awful frauds we are.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"I was astonished that not a Londoner raised a cheer for
+the fine Bankers' Battalion of the Fusiliers which marched through the
+City to-day. We are really absurdly shy."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>"Quex Junior" in "Evening News," April 15.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The older comrades, who are keeping banks going in the absence
+of the younger patriots, turned out to cheer their comrades."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>"Evening News," same date.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The older bankers, we must presume, are all from the
+provinces, and not so shy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page281" id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+<a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%" src="images/316.png" alt="" /></a>
+<h3>THE CHAMPION OF THE SMALLER NATIONS.</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Imperial Pachyderm.</span> "OUR HEART GOES OUT TO THESE POOR LITTLE UNPROTECTED
+EGGS. THEY WANT MOTHERING. WE WILL SIT ON THEM." [<i>Does so.</i>]</p>
+<blockquote><p style='text-align:center;'>[With Mr. Punch's apologies to a noble animal.]</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page282" id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span></p>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+<a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%" src="images/317.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i><span class="smcap">Colonel Churchill</span> (arriving post-haste at the House of Commons from
+the Front, on April 18</i>), "<span class="smcap">Come I too late for the Premier's
+statement?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Constable.</i> "<span class="smcap">On the contrary, Sir, you're a day too early.</span>"</p>
+<blockquote><p style='text-align:center;'>[The Constable was in error. He should have said a week.]</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Monday, April 17th.</i>&mdash;The hon. Member who described the present
+Parliamentary situation as "a cabal every afternoon and a crisis every
+second day" is justified of his epigram. The lobbies this afternoon
+were full of agitated whisperers, with much talk of a divided Cabinet
+and this and that Minister on the brink of resignation, because they
+cannot agree upon the number of men they want for the Army or the best
+method of obtaining them. All of which must be very comforting to our
+enemies.</p>
+
+<p>Some anxiety is felt on the Treasury Bench owing to the marked
+shortage of Members from Ireland. Hitherto, whenever the Government
+has seemed to be in danger, Mr. <span class="smcap">Redmond's</span> followers have trooped over
+from Dublin to the rescue. But to-day most of them are absent. Some
+attribute their defection to chagrin at their shortsightedness in
+resisting the appointment of Mr. <span class="smcap">Campbell</span> as Lord Chancellor of
+Ireland. As Attorney-General they fear he will exert a much more
+potent influence in Irish affairs.</p>
+
+<p>Faithful among the faithless, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ginnell</span> was in his place. He is not
+interested in the troubles of the British Government. His present
+obsession is the alleged over-taxation of his own beloved country. In
+order that he might have due verge and scope to expatiate upon that
+grievance be pressed the <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span> to arrange an early sitting on
+Wednesday and also to suspend the eleven o'clock rule. At this
+na&iuml;ve suggestion the House relieved its tension with a hearty
+laugh.</p>
+
+<p>How much truth there may be in the stories of Ministerial dissension I
+do not know; but there is undoubtedly a <span class="smcap">Cave</span> on the Treasury Bench. In
+the absence of the <span class="smcap">Chancellor</span> he took charge of the Report Stage of
+the Finance Bill, and very well he acquitted himself. Incidentally the
+<span class="smcap">Solicitor-General</span> had the honour of bringing about a notable
+reconciliation. Among the few occupants of the Nationalist benches
+were Mr. <span class="smcap">Dillon</span> and Mr. <span class="smcap">Timothy Healy</span>, who for some years past have
+rarely met without a collision. Accordingly when Mr. <span class="smcap">Dillon</span> had
+resisted a proposal to fine any visitor to an entertainment who did
+not pay the Amusements-tax, it was confidently expected that Mr. <span class="smcap">Healy</span>
+would find excellent reasons for asserting that this was the best
+clause in the whole Bill, and that only a melancholy humbug would
+oppose it. Instead he vigorously supported his former foe with an
+argument that I am sure Mr. <span class="smcap">Dillon</span> would never have thought of. "Was
+it not a weird proposal," he asked, "that a child who had unwittingly
+walked; through a turnstile should forthwith become a convict and lose
+its Old-Age Pension?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, April 18th.</i>&mdash;When one has at last screwed up one's
+courage to have a tooth out, there is nothing more unnerving than to
+be told by the dentist that he cannot operate to-day and that one must
+come again to-morrow. The House of Commons felt like that this
+afternoon. Members had flocked from all parts of the
+kingdom&mdash;Nationalist Ireland excepted&mdash;to hear the <span class="smcap">Prime
+Minister's</span> promised statement. Col. <span class="smcap">Churchill</span>, Lord <span class="smcap">Hugh Cecil</span> (with a
+patch on his lofty brow denoting a recent casualty), and other
+warrior-statesmen had reluctantly torn themselves from the attractions
+of the trenches to do their duty at Westminster. The Ladies' Gallery
+was filled to overflowing.</p>
+
+<p>Then the ominous word went round, "No statement to-day." Sure enough,
+when the <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span> rose and hushed the buzz of conversation that
+had rendered Questions inaudible, it was merely to observe that there
+were still some points outstanding, that no statement would be
+adequate without their adjustment, and that he would therefore
+postpone his motion for the Easter adjournment until to-morrow. Sir
+<span class="smcap">Edward Carson's</span> motion demanding compulsory service for all men of
+military age would, if necessary, be discussed on Thursday.</p>
+
+<p>Members hastened out into the Lobby to chatter about the new phase of
+the <span class='pagenum'><a name="page283" id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span>
+crisis and to speculate as to what were the points outstanding,
+and whether the <span class="smcap">Minister of Munitions</span> was or was not the
+prickliest of them. To the noise and flurry created by their exit Mr.
+<span class="smcap">McKenna</span> owes it that his Finance Bill will appear in the Journals of
+the House as having been passed without a dissenting voice. Mr. <span
+class="smcap">Whitley</span>, who was in the Chair, has not the commanding
+tones of Mr. <span class="smcap">Lowther</span>, and when he put the question, "That this Bill be
+now read a Third time," nobody rose to speak. Accordingly he declared
+that the "Ays" had it; and though several Members then protested that
+they had not heard the question put, and urged that it should be put
+again, he politely but firmly declined to oblige them.</p>
+
+<p>In an incautious moment yesterday Mr. <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> advised Mr. <span class="smcap">Snowden</span> to
+use his imagination. I should have thought the advice was superfluous,
+for, to judge by some of the stories that the Member for Blackburn is
+in the habit of retailing to the House regarding the persecution of
+conscientious objectors by callous N.C.O.'s, his imagination is
+working overtime. On the motion for the adjournment Mr. <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> had to
+listen to several more of them. He was rewarded for his patience by
+obtaining an unexpected testimonial from Mr. <span class="smcap">King</span>, who in his most
+patronising tones declared that he was sorry for the <span class="smcap">Under Secretary</span>,
+who was really "a great deal better than the average man in the
+street."</p>
+
+<p>In readiness for the <span class="smcap">Prime Minister's</span> anticipated statement, Lord
+<span class="smcap">Milner</span> had put down a motion in the House of Lords in favour of
+compulsory service for all men of military age; and, despite the
+changed circumstances, he persisted in moving it, and made an
+admirable speech in its support. Lord <span class="smcap">Crewe</span>, indeed, found it
+unanswerable for the time being, as Downing Street was "still
+thinking." He could not say when its thoughts would be resolved into
+decision, but hoped it might be to-morrow&mdash;or, if not to-morrow,
+Thursday&mdash;or, if not Thursday, then perhaps Monday. Lord <span class="smcap">Crewe</span>
+has not sat at Mr. <span class="smcap">Asquith's</span> feet all these years without catching
+something of his methods.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, April 19th.</i>&mdash;The House was even more crowded and
+anxious than yesterday. In the Peers' Gallery a dim figure, carrying a
+bunch of primroses and looking astonishingly like Mr. <span class="smcap">Dennis Eadie</span>,
+was heard to murmur, "I wonder whether England loves Coalitions any
+more than she did in my time." The present <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span> appears to
+think that she does, for, after remarking that continued disagreement
+on material points threatened a breakup of the Government, he ventured
+to describe that contingency as a national disaster. The Liberals
+thought so too, and cheered loudly; the Unionists were not quite so
+sure, and Sir <span class="smcap">Edward Carson</span>, beside whom sat Col. <span class="smcap">Churchill</span>, looking
+as if he had never heard of Ulster, indicated that, while he would be
+the last man to refuse the Government time for repentance and
+reformation, he would in the meantime keep his Resolution on the Paper
+for use if necessary when the House met again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+<a href="images/318.png"><img width="100%" src="images/318.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>First Stoker (weary).</i> "<span class="smcap">I'd like to find the merchant 'oo invented boilers!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Second Stoker (also weary).</i> "<span class="smcap">Boilers be blowed! I'm lookin' for the blighter
+'oo found out that coal would burn.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="smcap">Wanted.</span> Reliable Woman to Wash Mondays, 2s. 6d.
+daily."&mdash;<i>Llanelly Star.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Some Mondays are so black.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"War Work for capable open-air Woman of leisure. Wanted to help sister
+of man called up to run sole grocery shop in lovely
+country."&mdash;<i>Advt. in "The Times."</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Why wasn't he called up to fight?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Observer</i> rebuked <i>The Daily News</i> for unkindness in remarking
+that at a certain point in the recent "Poets' Reading," Mr. <span class="smcap">Birrell</span>,
+"who had been sitting with his head in his hands, looked up
+delighted." But was it quite nice of <i>The Observer</i> itself to say in
+its account of the same function that "the Prime Minister looked in
+when the readings were in progress, and remained for some time talking
+with many friends"?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page284" id="page284"></a>[pg 284]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+<a href="images/319.png"><img width="100%" src="images/319.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Peppery Senior (through din of Bosches' "morning hate").</i> "<span class="smcap">Late for breakfast again.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Very Junior Officer (apologetically).</i> "<span class="smcap">Sorry, Sir. Didn't hear the gong.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PHILATELIST.</h2>
+
+<p>This was the day appointed, after considerable discussion, for our
+visit to London, and at an early hour Frederick and I were ready for
+the journey. Frederick, who is tending slowly, as it seems to me,
+towards an as yet sufficiently remote ninth birthday, had been
+vigorously and successfully scrubbed till he shone with an unwonted
+absence of grime; his hair had been temporarily battened down; his
+Eton collar was speckless, and his knickerbocker suit, while not
+aggressively new, was appropriate and free from visible rents. I
+cannot say he was impressed with the solemnity of the occasion, but he
+was eager and fully determined to purchase as many stamps as could be
+secured for the generous prize of money bestowed upon him by a lady
+who had observed his progress in the study of Nature&mdash;beetles,
+moths, tadpoles and the like&mdash;and had noted his ever-growing
+passion for postage-stamps.</p>
+
+<p>London he looked upon as one gigantic repository of stamps. I spoke to
+him of Trafalgar Square and the Nelson Column and the Landseer Lions.
+He replied by informing me that there was a certain issue of Mauritius
+which was valued at &pound;1,200. "If," he said, "I could get that
+some day I shouldn't want to collect any more."</p>
+
+<p>"It seems," I said, "a lot of money to pay for a small piece of
+paper."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he agreed, "it is; but perhaps I could get it cheap in some old
+shop which didn't know much about it."</p>
+
+<p>I then tried to divert his attention to the prospect of having
+luncheon with me at the Rhadamanthus Club, but he begged me not to
+interrupt him, as he was endeavouring to calculate how many years it
+would take him to get together the sum if he could manage to save
+two-pence a week out of his pocket-money. After a short mental
+struggle, however, he gave it up and banished the blue Mauritius, or
+whatever it is, from his ambitions and his conversation.</p>
+
+<p>Before we started Francesca addressed a few earnest words to me about
+the proper care of a boy in London.</p>
+
+<p>"Be sure," she said, "to see that he keeps his hands clean. I should
+hate to think that he was wandering about Piccadilly and Pall Mall
+with dirty hands."</p>
+
+<p>"He'll have to wander," I said, "with such hands as Nature provides
+for him. No little boy can ever keep his hands clean anywhere for more
+than half a minute at a stretch."</p>
+
+<p>"But you might give him an occasional wash, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"I will do everything," I said, "that may become a father, short of
+carrying about a wash-hand basin and a jug of water and a piece of
+soap and a towel through Piccadilly and Pall Mall."</p>
+
+<p>"And his hair," she said,&mdash;"you'll not let it got too untidy,
+will you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll brush it when I can," I said; "but you must remember that a
+little boy without a Catherine-wheel of hair on the back of his head
+is only fit for a museum. I must insist on his keeping his
+Catherine-wheel substantially intact."</p>
+
+<p>Well, at last we got off in the train on our adventure, I with a
+morning paper, and Frederick deep in a stamp-catalogue, from which he
+occasionally brought forth things old and new. In due time we reached
+our destination and stood triumphant in the stamp-shop. It was not a
+large shop, but it was a rich shop, owning countless valuable
+varieties, and Frederick, whose hands were now of the subfuse
+hue which Cambridge insists on for the garments of her
+candidates, was soon engaged in an animated discussion with
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="page285" id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>
+the affable and amused proprietor. At last the five shillings were exhausted
+and the deal was complete, the last item consisting of a perfectly terrific
+set of Gaboon stamps, each decorated with the fuzzy head of a
+spear-bearing native warrior. It speaks volumes for the power and
+courage of our French allies that they should have been able to
+overcome these savage and formidable tribesmen, and reduce them to the
+order that is implied by the existence of a post-office and the
+possession of stamps.</p>
+
+<p>We now found that we had about forty minutes to spare. It is hardly
+necessary to say that, being in the immediate neighbourhood of the
+Strand, we devoted the time to a Cinema. The change from the Gaboon
+and its truculent inhabitants to a highly sentimentalised
+fishing-village was something of a wrench, but Frederick, clutching
+his purchases and his catalogue as if his life depended on stamps, was
+equal to it. He bore without flinching the storms and the wrecks, and
+the bodies of drowned men tossed upon the shore. Nor did he audibly
+disapprove when one fisherman, rescued from death, lost his memory for
+many years, and eventually regained it in extreme old age amid the
+rejoicings of his relatives and neighbours.</p>
+
+<p>Thence we passed by a happy change to the detached and melancholy
+malice of Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Chaplin</span>, of whom I can now say, <i>Vidi tantum</i>.
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Chaplin's</span> victim on this occasion was a well-dressed foreign
+gentleman of perfect manners but fiery temper, who was compelled to
+suffer a series of dreadful indignities. We left him struggling
+silently but furiously against an adhesive lobster salad which Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Chaplin</span> had, in an absent-minded moment, plastered over his face.</p>
+
+<p>We now went on to the Rhadamanthus. Here the rite of washing and
+brushing was duly performed, Frederick remarking with obvious regret
+that if it had only been on the Cinema he would have had to throw the
+soap at me and splash the water in my face. "But," he added, "I shall
+be able to do it to Alice when I get home." He was not at all
+overwhelmed by the marble and gilded splendours of our palace, but sat
+himself down to luncheon as if he had an immemorial right to be there.
+General Wilbraham (in khaki), Mr. Justice Black, and Mr. Trevor, the
+eminent publisher, kind old gentlemen, my friends and contemporaries,
+came up to us and were introduced to the little boy and smiled at him
+and patted his head, where the indomitable Catherine-wheel still
+whirled in triumph, and all declared that it was hardly tolerable in
+another to be so young, and asked him what it felt like, and said that
+growing up was the great mistake.</p>
+
+<p>And then a strange thing happened. The luncheon-room suddenly became a
+hall filled with boys. The General and the Judge and the Publisher
+dwindled and changed. The long-lost hair came back to their heads in
+great untidy tufts; they put on Eton jackets and collars and grubby
+hands. In fact, they were little boys again; and Master Wilbraham said
+he was keeping <i>Cave</i>, and Master Black said something was a regular
+chouse, and Master Trevor declared violently that somebody was a sneak
+and that somebody else must have tweaks for new clothes. It lasted for
+a moment, and then, as with a puff of air, it all changed back, and we
+were again in the luncheon-room of the club, four time-worn veterans
+and one eager little boy tightly grasping a catalogue of stamps.</p>
+
+<p class="author">R. C. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+<a href="images/320.png"><img width="100%" src="images/320.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Subaltern (proudly, as devastating motor-cyclist dashes by).</i> "<span class="smcap">One of 'ours.</span>'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page286" id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span></p>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">The Show Shop.</span>"</h3>
+
+<p>The drama is almost the only religion I know that can expose the
+mysteries of its ritual to the vulgar gaze and yet retain the devotion
+of its worshippers. There is nothing a British audience so loves as to
+be taken behind the scenes and shown how it is done&mdash;or not done;
+and then it will attend the next play and go on adoring with the
+blindest infatuation. Were it not for this astounding gift of
+resilience one might deplore the prurient curiosity that wants to peep
+into the hollow image of Isis and get at the machinery of the
+priesthood.</p>
+
+<p>More human and wholesome is the satisfaction derived from the
+revelation of amateur foibles, for here we are laughing at ourselves,
+as in <i>A Pantomime Rehearsal</i>. In <i>The Show Shop</i> this element was
+supplied by a young plutocrat who took a small part with a travelling
+company in order to be near his <i>fianc&eacute;e</i>, the leading lady;
+and continued in it as <i>jeune premier</i> because she refused to be made
+love to on the stage by anybody else. In assuming a <i>r&ocirc;le</i> for
+which he was incredibly ill-qualified he seemed likely to facilitate
+the achievement of his purpose, namely to make the play a hopeless
+failure and so secure the deliverance of his lady from the thraldom of
+her mother's ambitions and set her free to marry him.</p>
+
+<p>However, the failure failed to come off, and although he forgot to
+remove his overcoat (containing the stolen bonds) at a critical
+juncture on which the Great Situation turned&mdash;the error was so
+deadly that the mother, who had stage-managed the thing and was
+witnessing the first performance from a box, actually rose in her seat
+to correct it&mdash;the play was a roaring success; and there was
+nothing for it but a secret marriage, marred by the prospect of a two
+years' run "on Broadway."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">A. E. Matthews</span>, as the amateur, made extraordinarily good fun for
+us; and there was something fresh in the idea of following up the
+dress rehearsal with a first night. It not only gave the amateur his
+chance of making the big mistake against which he had been thoroughly
+warned, but our own applause allowed the company to put into practice
+the lessons they had learned in those sacred conventions which
+regulate the taking of a call.</p>
+
+<p>There are those who say that Transatlantic humour should be
+interpreted exclusively by a native cast, and that an Anglo-American
+alliance is a mistake. I trust President <span class="smcap">Wilson's</span> recent policy will
+not be affected by this view. Certainly, though the combination was
+responsible for the noisiest fun of the farce, the purely American
+performance of Miss <span class="smcap">Margaret Moffatt</span> at the opening of the First Act
+was as good as anything in the play. But happily this is not one of
+those imported creations that overwhelm my uninstructed intelligence
+with exotic colour and exotic slang.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Edmund Gwenn</span>, as <i>Max Rosenbaum</i>, impresario, was in irresistible
+form. Miss <span class="smcap">Marie L&ouml;hr</span>, in the part of the leading lady, was at
+her lightest and therefore her best; but Lady <span class="smcap">Tree</span> (her designing
+mother), though she played very hard and incisively, could scarcely
+have satisfied her own very nice sense of humour with what was to be
+got out of a character that resembled nothing on earth (or the Eastern
+hemisphere anyhow).</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of all the mirth there was a pathetic passage between a
+couple of impecunious players, <i>Johnny Brinkley</i> (played by Mr. <span class="smcap">George
+Elton</span>, who had many good things to say and said them well) and
+<i>Effie</i>, his wife, on the theme of the precariousness of their career.
+It must have melted the cynical heart of many a critic in the
+audience, and I for one was almost persuaded to confine myself for the
+future to encomium in these columns.</p>
+
+<p>However, there is no flattery in the compliments I beg to offer to Mr.
+<span class="smcap">James Forbes</span> for a very diverting evening. Perhaps the last Act
+dragged a little, but in any case after the orgy he had given us we
+were ripe for reaction. With most imported plays one is apt to doubt
+whether the humour is novel in its essence or merely a matter of
+unfamiliar form, common enough in its place of origin. But the humour
+of Mr. <span class="smcap">Forbes</span>, or at least the best of it, is something more than
+American.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"She heard him blowing his nose on the hall mat, and she understood
+the major sufficiently to know that this portended
+something."&mdash;<i>Home Chat.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We have always regarded this behaviour as ominous, even in the case of
+civilians.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Once you have a wife and are tied down to the world, she creates the
+necessity of a house and saves you from being a wanderer on the face
+of the earth. No wife, no house. Hence, say our Shastras, it is not
+the building called the house that is the wife, it is the wife who is
+the house. And even now, both among the high and the low, it is usual
+for a Hindu to speak of his wife as his house."</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">N. G. Chandavarkarin</span> "<i>The Times of India.</i>"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We foresee domestic trouble when the Flat system reaches India.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN ECCENTRIC.</h2>
+
+<p>Having alighted on strange ground at Chiswick Park Station, I was
+lost. My destination was <span class="smcap">Hogarth's</span> House&mdash;one of the few homes of
+the illustrious which are preserved for pious pilgrims, but whether to
+go this way or that I had no notion, nor was there anyone to ask. I
+therefore turned to the left and, just after being half-blinded by a
+dusty whirlwind, stopped an errand-boy and was told by him I had done
+right, and had but to keep on.</p>
+
+<p>I therefore continued, but with so little confidence that a hundred
+yards further on I stopped another wayfarer, who, however, had no
+knowledge of any Hogarth but a local laundry of that name, and could
+not say where it was.</p>
+
+<p>It was then that I fell into the arms of as admirable although
+peculiar a man as I ever hope to meet, and communicative too. He was
+one of those elderly men who keep their youth, largely by virtue of
+cheerful spirits. He was short and active and he wore a cap. He had
+sandy-grey hair and a touch of sandy-grey whisker; his eye was bright
+and his cheeks were ruddy. He beamed with contentment. He may not have
+been, as the diverting Mr. <span class="smcap">Berry</span> says in <i>Tina</i>, "fearfully crisp,"
+but he was crisp enough.</p>
+
+<p>Did he know Chiswick? Why, he had known it for nearly sixty years.
+Then he knew <span class="smcap">Hogarth's</span> House? No, he couldn't say he did, but, anyhow,
+it must be in the other direction, because this, strictly speaking,
+was Acton Green and not Chiswick at all. To get to Chiswick I ought to
+have gone the other way. "But a depraved errand-boy&mdash;&mdash;" I
+began to say, and then realising that the recapitulation of other
+people's errors is perhaps the idlest form of speech, where nearly all
+lack necessity, I said instead that the natives did not seem to
+specialise much in knowledge of their locality; to which he replied
+that they ought to, for there was no more beautiful place in the
+world.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going in the direction you want, myself," he added. "The fact is
+we're moving, and I've got to get some new blinds, and the shop's on
+your way."</p>
+
+<p>So we fell into step, I with great difficulty keeping up with his
+happy buoyancy.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, he admitted, moving was a trial, but his new house was far more
+comfortable than the old one, and, after all, what's a little trouble?</p>
+
+<p>This was a revolutionary enough remark, but when he went on to ask, Wasn't it a lovely
+spring morning? I felt shamed completely, for I was still angry with the gusts under the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="page287" id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>
+scudding sky. And it had been a lovely night, too, he added. Not a
+cloud all night. And a moon! such a moon! He never remembered a
+lovelier night. How did he know so much about the night? Why, he was a
+night watchman. In the General Omnibus Company. Had been for years.
+When then did he sleep? Oh, he would soon be in bed, but he liked a
+walk in the morning. Especially such a morning as this. In two hours'
+time he'd be fast asleep. Oh no, he didn't mind being on duty at
+night, and then, being in the General, he could have rides for
+nothing, and only the other day he'd been to Bushy Park to see the
+fallen trees. My, what a grand sight! He'd never seen so many fine
+trees on their sides. Wonderful it was.</p>
+
+<p>Didn't Chiswick look grand in the Spring? he asked me. Such lovely
+blossom in the gardens. Chiswick had once been famous for its fruit
+orchards, and many trees still remained. Didn't I think it pretty?</p>
+
+<p>As a matter of fact it was looking to me exactly like other suburbs;
+but I hadn't the heart to dash so enthusiastic and friendly a
+creature; so I said I thought Chiswick charming.</p>
+
+<p>And healthy, he went on: there wasn't a healthier place
+anywhere&mdash;all sand. Wherever you dug you'd find sand.</p>
+
+<p>I had a sudden vision of myself, spade in hand, testing this
+statement; but he allowed no time for such diversions of thought. The
+goodness of Chiswick and the importance of praising it were too urgent
+with him.</p>
+
+<p>After passing the station we came to a block of peculiarly hideous
+flats on the right. There, he said, pointing to them, wasn't that
+convenient? What could a clerk want better than that? For himself he
+couldn't ask a better fate than to live at Chiswick. Such a fine High
+Street, and the biggest music-hall in the suburbs. The picture palaces
+too. But he was sorry to say that some Chiswick people had taken to
+going to a new one at Hammersmith. That was a pity, he thought. Had I
+ever seen such a nice Green?</p>
+
+<p>By this time I was becoming stunned. I pinched myself to discover
+whether or not I dreamed. A Londoner, or Greater Londoner, pleased
+with his home; an Englishman of any description satisfied with
+anything English, and especially just now, when the rule is to cry
+stinking fish! What could be the matter?</p>
+
+<p>I would try him, I thought, in his most sensitive spot, his pocket;
+and the opportunity came naturally enough for we were passing the
+shops in the High Street and he began to extol their merits.</p>
+
+<p>"But isn't everything horribly dear nowadays?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he replied, gaily "it is; but I can remember when it was
+dearer."</p>
+
+<p>What is one to do with a man like that? Had we not now come to my
+turning, Duke's Avenue, where he bade me good-bye, I might have
+discovered that he did not think Lord <span class="smcap">Kitchener</span> an imbecile, Mr. <span
+class="smcap">Balfour</span> a mere salary-hunter, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Asquith</span> a traitor.
+To such an oddly constructed mind even those things were possible.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+<a href="images/322.png"><img width="100%" src="images/322.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Tommy (to Jock, on leave).</i> "<span class="smcap">What about the lingo? Suppose you want an egg over there, what do you say?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Jock.</i> "<span class="smcap">Ye juist say, 'Oof'.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="smcap">But suppose you want two?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Jock.</i> "<span class="smcap">Ye say 'Twa Oofs,' and the silly auld fule wife gies ye three, and ye juist gie her back one.
+Man, it's an awfu' easy language.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="page288" id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span></p>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h3>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Belloc</span> can, I am sure, write entertainingly about any phase of the
+French Revolution on his head, and in <i>The Last Days of the French
+Monarchy</i> (<span class="smcap">Chapman and Hall</span>) he has apparently done so. I cannot think
+it will add to his reputation. It will be something if it doesn't hurt
+it. He has taken a short story, and by a process of dextrous padding
+and the practice of a method, which is becoming an obsession with him,
+of going deep into the obvious with much industry and circumstance, he
+has contrived, with the addition of a number of plates&mdash;some of
+singular irrelevance&mdash;a fattish book. Even ignorant persons like
+this Learned Clerk are apt to be chagrined by being so obviously
+written down to. On the other hand, naturally, an author who knows his
+intriguing subject so well and drives so forceful a pen cannot fail to
+be interesting. The historian seems most concerned to prove, by his
+familiar and plausible method of going over the ground "in the same
+season, in the same weather, after the same rains, in the same mist,"
+that the Prussian charge by Valmy Mill miscarried only because the
+infantry got bogged in marsh that looked like stubble. So now we know!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From the list of books already published by Mr. <span class="smcap">Cecil Headlam</span> it is
+easy to see that he is by choice a topographer rather than a novelist.
+Indeed the fact is made sufficiently obvious to the reader of <i>Red
+Screes</i> (<span class="smcap">Smith, Elder</span>). Its sub-title is <i>A Romance of Lakeland</i>, and
+so strongly developed is the place-spirit in its author that he is
+constantly breaking the rather tenuous thread of his story to
+introduce long descriptions of Cumberland scenery and people, and as
+this is most easily done by sending his chief characters for walks in
+the districts that Mr. <span class="smcap">Headlam</span> wishes to talk about the result is that
+I seldom read a novel in which the protagonists were kept so sternly
+on the move. But I am far from saying that the result is not happy
+enough, especially for those readers who already know and love the
+neighbourhood that the author handles so well. As for the tale, that,
+as I have hinted, is nothing to keep you awake o' nights. There is a
+millionaire in it, with one daughter (whom he hates) and a very
+unpleasant secretary, who loves the daughter for her prospects and a
+country lass for her looks; and there is a great deal of the most
+unconvincing finance that ever I read, even in fiction. As for the
+secretary's end, it wouldn't be fair to give that away, as it is
+really the only point at which the plot quickens into sufficient
+vigour to hold its own with the setting. Mr. <span class="smcap">Headlam</span> obviously both
+knows and loves the land of red screes; I am doubtful whether he is as
+much at home with the stock-manipulators of Wall Street or their
+emotional offspring. And I don't like his introduction of the second
+heroine&mdash;"The girl's head was bare, save for the crowning glory
+of womanhood." What I mean is, if it hadn't had that much
+covering&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The King's Men</i> (<span class="smcap">Secker</span>) are just our friends, yours and mine and Mr.
+<span class="smcap">John Palmer's</span>, who have exchanged their tools and toys, their pens,
+wigs, brushes, books, spats and dreams for stars (one, two or three)
+and scars; all drawn into the Great Adventure which began on that 4th
+of August so many long years ago. Dilettante <i>Pelham</i>, prig and
+pacificist not from passion but from detachment, always so unbeatable
+in argument and always so wrong; sportsman <i>Rivers</i>, seeing simply and
+straight; crank <i>Smith</i>; comfortable <i>Baddeley</i> in his snug Government
+berth; poser <i>Ponsonby</i>, always doing the thing that's the thing to
+do; exquisite <i>Graham</i>, with his fair lodge in the
+wilderness&mdash;all hallowed by the great consecration. There are,
+too, the King's women and an unhappy necessary stay-at-home or two,
+and a big and rather crude contractor, who will be master in his own
+works. But the young men are the folk Mr. <span class="smcap">Palmer</span> best understands and
+presents in turns of clever and vehement talk. I beg you to read this
+book for these good things and for a tender love of England which
+shines nobly between the lines of it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Perhaps <i>Fauvette</i>, the heroine of <i>The Green Orchard</i> (<span class="smcap">Cassell</span>), was
+too modern to have much acquaintance with the works of the late <span
+class="smcap">William Black</span>. Which was a pity, as a recollection of <i>A
+Daughter of Heth</i> might have withheld her from her impulsive marriage
+with <i>Martin Wilderspin</i>, or from feeling so much like a gold-fish out
+of water when he took her away from Paris to share a life that was a
+dreary contrast to all her previous experience. In any case I cannot
+hold her blameless for the resulting shipwreck. A bride who comes down
+late for a most critical little dinner to her husband's family, and
+attires herself (see cover) like a circus-rider, simply is not giving
+matrimony a fair chance. Moreover I seem to observe that Mr. <span class="smcap">Andrew
+Soutar</span> thinks this was rather sporting in his heroine. He certainly
+loads the dice in her favour, for, when the inevitable had happened
+and <i>Martin</i> and <i>Fauvette</i> had separated, the lady sought the
+consolations of literature and became (as heroines will) the sensation
+of the hour. Though <i>The Green Orchard</i> is a brisk easy-running tale
+fidelity to life is hardly its strong point. Of course it was not to
+be expected that <i>Fauvette</i> would escape being adored by <i>Martin's</i>
+best friend; the real touch of originality is the final reward of this
+kind gentleman. For my own part I certainly expected&mdash;but to tell
+you that would be to betray what doesn't happen. The whole affair is a
+pleasant respite from actuality: more, I fear, it would be impossible
+to say.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+<a href="images/323.png"><img width="100%" src="images/323.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Kind Old Lady.</i> "<span class="smcap">I see there is an urgent appeal for more literature
+for our fighting men. I thought some lonely soldier or sailor might
+like to revive memories of the dear homeland with this volume of the
+Post Office Directory for 1899.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From the description of a polar-bear's escapade in the Edinburgh "Zoo":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The keepers now appeared, and with the assistance of gun-firing
+and much noise the animal was quietly shepherded back to
+its accustomed place of confinement."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>North British Agriculturist.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"Quietly" was a happy thought.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+CL, April 26, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 30575-h.htm or 30575-h.zip *****
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1869 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL,
+April 26, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL, April 26, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 1, 2009 [EBook #30575]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Ritu Aggarwal, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES
+
+1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_.
+
+2. Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the
+   closest paragraph break.
+
+3. The word manoeuvre uses an oe ligature in the original.
+
+4. Printer's inconsistencies in spelling, punctuation, hyphenation,
+   and ligature usage have been retained.
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. CL.
+
+
+
+APRIL 26, 1916.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+GENERAL VILLA, in pursuit of whom a United States army has already
+penetrated four hundred miles into Mexico, is alleged to have died.
+It is not considered likely, however, that he will escape as easily
+as all that.
+
+       ***
+
+"Germans net the Sound," says a recent issue of a contemporary. We
+don't know what profit they will get out of it, but we ourselves in
+these hard times are only too glad to net anything.
+
+       ***
+
+Bags of coffee taken from a Norwegian steamer and destined for German
+consumption have been found to contain rubber. Once more the
+immeasurable superiority of the German chemist as a deviser of
+synthetic substitutes for ordinary household commodities is clearly
+illustrated. What a contrast to our own scientists, whose use of this
+most valuable food substitute has never gone far beyond an occasional
+fowl or beefsteak.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been suggested that in honour of the tercentenary of
+SHAKSPEARE'S birth Barclay's brewery should be replaced by a new
+theatre, a replica of the old Globe Theatre, whose site it is supposed
+to occupy; and Mr. REGINALD MCKENNA is understood to have stated that
+it is quite immaterial to him.
+
+       ***
+
+"Horseflesh is on sale in the West End," says _The Daily Telegraph_,
+"and the public analyst at Westminster reports having examined a
+smoked horseflesh sausage and found it genuine." It is only fair to
+our readers, however, to point out that the method of testing sausages
+now in vogue, _i.e._ with a stethoscope, is only useful for
+ascertaining the identity of the animal (if any) contained therein,
+and is valueless in the case of sausages that are filled with sawdust,
+india-rubber shavings, horsehair and other vegetables.
+
+       ***
+
+Wandsworth Borough has refused the offer of a horse trough on the
+ground that there are not enough horses to use it. But there are
+always plenty of shirkers.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL was reported on Tuesday last as having been seen
+entering the side door of No. 11, Downing Street. It was, of course,
+the critical stage door.
+
+       ***
+
+The Austrian Government has issued an appeal for dogs "for sanitary
+purposes." The valuable properties of the dog for sterilising sausage
+casings have long been a secret of the Teuton.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "Real Harris Hand-Knitted Socks, _1s. 6d._: worth _2s. 6d._;
+    unwearable."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopkeeper._ "YES, I WANT A GOOD USEFUL LAD TO BE
+PARTLY INDOORS AND PARTLY OUTDOORS."
+
+_Applicant._ "AND WHAT BECOMES OF ME WHEN THE DOOR SLAMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chance for the Illiterate.
+
+    "Wanted, a good, all-round Gardener; illegible."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+    "Gardener.--Wanted at once, clever experienced man with good
+    knowledge of toms., cucs., mums., &c., to work up small
+    nursery."
+                                             _Provincial Paper._
+
+One with a knowledge of nursery language preferred.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MANCHESTER, ENG. The election of directors of the Manchester
+    Chamber of Commerce resulted in the return of eighteen out of
+    twenty-two directors who are definitely committed to the
+    policy of no free trade with the 60th Canadian Battalion."
+                                      _Victoria Colonist (B.C.)._
+
+We hope the battalion will not retaliate by refusing protection to
+Manchester, Eng.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CURSE OF BABEL.
+
+Let me tell you about the Baronne de Blanqueville and her grandson.
+
+The Baronne is a Belgian lady who came to England in the early days of
+the refugee movement, and established herself here in our village.
+
+With her came her younger daughter and Lou-lou, the infant son of an
+elder daughter, who had for some reason to be left behind in Belgium.
+
+Lou-lou was a year old when, with his grandmother and his aunt, he
+settled in England as an _emigre_. He was then inarticulate; now he
+has gained the use of his tongue.
+
+He has had a little English nursemaid to attend on him, and he has
+become a familiar object in many English families of the
+neighbourhood.
+
+In fact, he has had a very English bringing up, and now that he is
+more than two years old and can talk, he insists on talking English
+with volubility and understanding it with completeness.
+
+I may mention, by the way, that someone has taught him some
+expressions unusual in so young a mouth. The other day I met him in
+his perambulator. He said, "I take the air. I'm damn comfable;"
+whereupon the nursemaid blushed and chid him.
+
+That, however, is not the point--at any rate, not the whole of it.
+
+What I wish to make clear is this: the Baronne neither speaks nor
+understands English, whereas Lou-lou speaks a great deal of English
+and no French at all. He rejects that language with a violent shake of
+his curly head. He stamps his small foot and tells his adoring
+grandmother to speak English or leave him alone.
+
+Thus a gulf has begun to yawn between the Baronne and her beloved
+Lou-lou. Communications are all but broken off. Lou-lou's aunt is in
+better case, for she is slowly acquiring English; but the Baronne, I
+think, will never learn _any_ English.
+
+What is to be done?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The rage for flower-trimming is nothing short of an
+    obeisance."--_Evening Paper._
+
+In spite of the War we still bow to the decrees of fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JOY TAX.
+
+    [By one who is prepared to accept it like a patriot without
+    further protest.]
+
+  Now Spring comes laughing down the sky
+    To see her buds all busy hatching;
+      With tender green the woods are gay,
+      And birds, as is their April way,
+  Chirp merrily on the bough, and I
+    Chirp, too, because it's catching.
+
+  Full many a joy I must eschew
+    And to the tempter's voice "No! No!" say;
+      With taxes laid on all delights
+      Must miss, with other mirthful sights,
+  On Monday next my annual view
+    Of England's Art Expose.
+
+  I must forgo (and bear the worst
+    With what I can of noble calm) a
+      Pure bliss from which I only part
+      With horrid pain about the heart--
+  I mean the humour unrehearsed
+    Of serious British drama.
+
+  But, thank the Lord, I need not miss
+    The birds that in their leafy nook coo;
+      Young Spring is mine to taste at large,
+      The Ministry has made no charge
+  For earth that warms to April's kiss;
+    They haven't taxed the cuckoo!                          O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VOLUNTEER CASUALTY.
+
+We were "standing easy" prior to the assault on the undefended heights
+of Spanker's Hill when the voice of the platoon-commander disturbed
+our thoughts of home and loved ones, and particularly of our Sunday
+dinners, which would be very much out of season before we could get at
+them.
+
+"Number 4," he said, in a tone that thrilled us to the bottom twist of
+our puttees, "these Body-Snatchers (thus coarsely he alluded to the
+Ambulance Section) have been following us all day and haven't had a
+single casualty so far. That is why, in the coming advance, I shall be
+wounded. Sergeant, you will take over the command, should the worst
+befall. Smith and Williams, as you are both big and heavy, you'd
+better be knocked out too."
+
+It was with mingled feelings that I heard my name mentioned. In the
+first place, a feeling of annoyance was engendered at having my
+proportions thus publicly referred to. But other, and I trust
+worthier, thoughts came to me, and, turning to my neighbour, I gave
+him a few last messages of a suitably moving nature to be delivered to
+my friends. The kind-hearted fellow was deeply affected, and in a
+voice broken by emotion offered to take charge of my loose change, and
+asked for my watch as a keepsake. I thanked him with tears in my eyes,
+but said that the burial party would forward all my valuables to my
+relations.
+
+Our conversation was interrupted by the command "Platoon--'SHUN. To
+the left, to six paces, ex-TEND." By an oversight the preliminary
+formation usually adopted as a precaution against artillery had been
+omitted, and in a moment we were advancing up the hill in open order.
+
+Scarcely had we started when our officer, the pride of the platoon,
+threw up his hands and fell. A moment later, chancing on a piece of
+tempting grass, I decided to lie down, and with a choking gurgle
+collapsed. As I lay on my back in an appropriate attitude (copied from
+the cinema) I wondered when the stretcher-party would appear, for the
+grass was damp and the April wind was chilly; but it was not long
+before a bright boy, rather over than under military age, ran up and,
+after a brief glance at me, began to signal with great vigour. He
+meant well, and out of consideration for his feelings I restrained a
+desire to tell him that he was creating a beastly draught. However, I
+asked him if he had any brandy, and, on receiving an answer in the
+negative, groaned deeply.
+
+"Are you very bad?" he asked.
+
+"No," I replied; "but if I lie here much longer I'll catch cold. Tell
+your people to hurry up."
+
+When the stretcher-party arrived they decided that I had been shot in
+the chest, and, to get at the wound, began to remove my garments, till
+arrested by some virile language thrown off from the part affected.
+Then they began to carry me towards the gate of the park, despite the
+fact that the stretcher had been meant to hold someone about six
+inches shorter than I. Almost immediately the rear man, tripping on a
+root, fell on top of me, and the front man, being brought to a sudden
+stop, sat on my feet. When we had sorted ourselves out, and I had
+stopped talking, more from lack of breath than of matter, we resumed
+our journey.
+
+After a matter of some three hundred yards the bearers began to feel
+tired, and, suddenly rolling me off the stretcher, they informed me
+that I was discharged as cured. Thus rapidly does a soldier of the
+Volunteers recover. It speaks volumes not only for their high state of
+physical condition but for the resilience of their _moral_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Intelligent Anticipation.
+
+    "Bucharest, 8.--The 'Universul' has opened a list of
+    subscriptions in favour of the widows and victims of the
+    coming Austro-Roumanian war."--_Balkan News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD' AT THE ---- PICTURE
+    THEATRE."--_Hastings Observer._
+
+The management doesn't mind so long as the fools rush in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Smyth-Pigotts are the owners of Brockley Court and
+    Brockley Hall, near Congresbury, a pretty village which--like
+    Majoribanks--is pronounced Coomesbury."--_Daily Sketch._
+
+Just as, according to the old story, Cholmondeley is pronounced
+Marjoribanks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Monster Carnival! In aid of Returned Soldiers' Association.
+    Novel Attractions!!! Realistic Egyptian Pillage, just as our
+    soldiers saw it. Egyptian goods can be purchased
+    here."--_Adelaide Register._
+
+We hope this does not mean that our gallant Anzacs have been spoiling
+the Egyptians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A LADY would like to let her beautifully furnished HOUSE or
+    part, or three or four paying guests; from L2 10s. each."
+                                       _Bournemouth Daily Echo._
+
+We have heard of paying guests whom their hosts would have been glad
+to part with at an even lower figure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Notice.--Found, a Broadwood Piano. Apply, Barrack Warden,
+    No. 1, Barrack Store, ---- Barracks."--_Aldershot Command
+    Orders._
+
+We think some recent criticism of Army administration is undeserved.
+Care is evidently taken in regard to even little things carelessly
+left about by the soldier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When the election does come there will be no need to ask
+    these useless M.P.'s to resign. They can be kicked out, and
+    there are plenty of workmen in the country who are ready to
+    lend a hand at the kicking. The genuine Labour M.P. is known
+    now, so also is the impostor, who, like the party hack, hails
+    from nowhere."
+                                         _Letter in "The Times."_
+
+We suppose the manual kick, as described above, is the non-party hack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SERBIA COMES AGAIN.
+
+THE BULGAR. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXVIII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--One of these days I will tell you the more intimate
+history of the Corps to which I have the honour to belong, and this
+will give you some cause for mirth. Its members are of all sorts, ages
+and origins, and they have had between them some odd experiences since
+that first day when, parading hastily in Kensington Gardens, they
+wished they hadn't been quite so glib, in their anxiety to get to war,
+about professing full knowledge of the ways and wiles of the motor
+bicycle. One at least of them paid the price of inexactitude then and
+there; he still shudders to think how, put to the test, he
+unintentionally left the Park for a no less fashionable but much more
+crowded thoroughfare, to arrive eventually, in the prone position, in
+a byway of Piccadilly, where small fragments of the machine may still
+be collected by industrious seekers of curios.
+
+Another, whom the low cunning of the Criminal Bar enabled to avoid the
+immediate test, paid the full price, with compound interest, later on.
+Casual observers of the retreat, had there been any, would have become
+familiar with the sight of him bringing up the rear--a very poor last.
+To see him arrive, perspiring, over the brow of a hill, with his
+faithful motor at his side, was to know that the Huns were at the
+bottom of it. On one occasion they even beat him in the day's march,
+but were too kind or too blind to seize their advantage. As usual he
+was taking his obsession along with him, though, if he had but known,
+he might have got it to do the work by the simple formality of turning
+the petrol tap from OFF to ON. His was ever a curious life, from the
+first moment of his joining the Army in tails, a bowler hat, and a
+large sword wrapped in a homely newspaper. But the inward fun of it
+all is not for the present, Charles; our clear old friends, the
+Exigencies, forbidding.
+
+I am reminded of it all by having just crossed with one of the
+later-joined members. He came fresh from the line to a Head-quarters,
+and he was walking about in a lane, working off some of his awe of his
+new surroundings, when he was overtaken by a car containing a General,
+who stopped and asked him what he was. So imposing was the account he
+gave of himself that it was said to him, "No doubt, then, you'll know
+the way to ----," a village at the back of beyond, where a division
+was lying at rest. In the Army, at any rate at a Head-quarters, we all
+know everything. So he said, "No doubt, Sir," hoping, if the worst
+came to the worst, to give some vague directions and not to be present
+when they were found wanting. But it was his bad luck to have struck
+one of the more affable Generals. Could he spare the time to come
+along and direct the driver?
+
+So on to the box he got (it was a closed car) and, with the General's
+eye always upon his back, he did his best as guide, a task for which
+his previous career of stockbroker had ill qualified him. The first
+thing to happen was that the car, proceeding down a narrow lane, got
+well into the middle of a battalion on the march, which, when the car
+was firmly jammed amongst the transport, ceased to be on the march,
+and took a generous ten minutes' halt.... The second thing to happen
+was a level crossing; which, as they approached it, changed its mind
+about being a road and became a railway. A nice long train duly
+arrived, and (this needs no exaggeration) stayed there, with a few
+restless movements, for twenty minutes by the clock.... The third
+thing to happen was that he lost himself (and the General); the fourth
+was the falling of dusk, and the fifth a ploughed field, with which my
+friend, alighting, had to confess that he was not so intimately
+acquainted as he could have wished.
+
+[Illustration: THE TRENCH TOUCH.
+
+_Warrior in bunker (to caddie, who is seeing if the course is clear)._
+"KEEP DOWN, YOU FOOL!"]
+
+Had there been a scene, he could, he says, have endured the worst
+bravely, standing to attention and taking it as it came. Not so,
+however; his was the wrong sort of General for the purpose. As does
+the partner at the dance, over whose priceless gown you have upset the
+indelible ice, he said it didn't matter. He said he'd give the
+division a miss, and return whence they had come. This they began to
+do, when they had got the car out of the ploughed field, and this they
+went on doing until the sixth thing happened, which was a burst tyre.
+
+Again, had there been a scene, my man could have explained that this
+wasn't his fault; but no one _said_ it was his fault. Equally it was
+never openly alleged that he was to blame for the driver's not being
+prepared with a spare wheel ready for use. But his embarrassment was
+such that my man was grateful to heaven for reminding him at this
+juncture of the existence of R.F.C. Head-quarters, about a kilometre
+away. He said he'd run and borrow a wheel off them, and before the
+General could say him nay he'd started.... He ran all the way, and
+burst, panting, into the officers' mess, where he had the misfortune
+to strike another itinerant General.
+
+It never rains but it pours, and the area seemed to be infested with
+Generals of quite the wrong sort. He couldn't have hit upon a more
+kind and genial and inappropriate one than this. No, he wouldn't allow
+a word of apology or explanation from this exhausted lieutenant until
+the latter had rested and refreshed himself with a cup of tea. No, not
+out of that pot; it had been standing too long. Tea which had stood
+should not be drunk, for reasons detailed at length. No doubt the
+Colonel, whose guest he was, would order some more to be made. It
+would take two minutes--it did take twenty. No, no; there was nothing
+to say and nothing need be said. It was this General's particular wish
+that he should be at peace and make himself at home. Let him make his
+explanations and apologies later.
+
+Whatever you would have done, my overwhelmed friend temporized. He was
+just edging the conversation round to the other General, waiting
+alone in the dark wet road, when the General in the nice warm room
+rose to go, commanding my friend not to disturb himself on that
+account. Being a man of some years he was a slow goer; being a
+General, he was not to be interrupted in his going....
+
+I don't know exactly how it all ended, nor, you may not be surprised
+to learn, does my friend, though he is always expecting to hear.
+
+There was also on our boat a subaltern, coming to France for the first
+time. He wanted me to tell him all about it. How well I know these
+subalterns who want to know all about it. I was one myself once. Does
+he ask you what it's like in the mud? Does he listen if you give him
+details of bloodshed? Does he inquire about the food, the washing
+facilities, parapet or parados; what a time-fuse does when its time
+has expired, or even as to the use and abuse of the entrenching tool?
+No, he's for war only, and there's only one question in war: Do you or
+do you not need a Sam Browne belt in the trenches?
+
+It is an old question; there is no solution. I told him that some say
+one thing and some say another, and, as both are authorities with whom
+you are not in a position to argue, the only way to get out of the
+difficulty is to keep out of the trenches.
+
+                                          Yours ever,      HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR AMAZON CORPS "STANDING EASY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a hotel advertisement:--
+
+    "EXCELLENT CUISINE. SEPARATE STABLES."
+                                            _West-Country Paper._
+
+The WISE KING must have had a presentiment of this arrangement when he
+wrote: "Better a dinner of herbs, where love is, than a stalled ox and
+hatred therewith."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Premier (Sir Alexander Peacock) said that many years
+    ago, when the world rang with the atrocities of Turks, Rev.
+    Dr. Parker startled the whole world when, in a fiery address
+    on those awful atrocities which were visited on the
+    Christians, he cried, 'Dod damn the Sultan.' Now, when they
+    heard of the cruelties and indescribable sufferings which had
+    been visited upon the innocent people in order to satisfy the
+    ideas of one man they could say, 'Kod damn the Kaiser.'
+    (Great cheers)."--_Sydney Daily Telegraph._
+
+Strong language for a Premier! But the printer has done his best to
+tone it down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+VIII.--ORCHARD STREET.
+
+  The fruit hangs ripe, the fruit hangs sweet,
+  High and low in my Orchard Street,
+  Apples and pears, cherries and plums,
+  Something for everyone who comes.
+        If you're a Pedlar
+        I'll give you a medlar;
+        If you're a Prince
+        I'll give you a quince;
+        If you're a Queen,
+        A nectarine;
+        If you're the King
+        Take anything,
+  Apricots, mulberries, melons or red and white
+  Currants like rubies and pearls on a string!
+        Little girls each
+        Shall have a peach,
+  Boys shall have grapes that hang just out of reach--
+  Nothing's to pay, whatever you eat
+  Of the fruit that grows in my Orchard Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "USEFL. hlp. ckng. no wshg. fam. 2."
+                                                 _Morning Paper._
+
+Th. is rl. wd. plp. ecnmy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NIGHT OUT WITH A ZEPPELIN.
+
+BY KARL VON WEEKEND
+
+(HYPHENATED NEUTRAL).
+
+(_Concluded._)
+
+Beneath us--beneath, in a manner of speaking, the iron heel of the
+all-conquering Fatherland--lay perfidious England. I, as a mere
+layman, had, of course, not the vaguest idea as to precisely what
+vital portion of the doomed island was immediately below us. Not so my
+host, the Captain Sigismund von Muenchhausen, who suddenly snapped
+together the stethoscope through which he had been gazing and rapped
+out a monosyllabic order down the speaking tube at his right hand.
+
+"We are now," he said, turning courteously to me, "diametrically above
+the entrenched camp of Little Tillingham-under-Hill." A fearful crash
+sounded from the depths below and a voice muttered something through
+the speaking tube. "A hit!" cried the Captain without emotion.
+"Ober-Leutnant von Dachswurst reports that the Arsenal, three
+munitions factories and two infant schools are in flames. Ah! Now we
+have reached Birmingham!" Another crash rent the abysm. "Now Glasgow!"
+A third terrific explosion was audible.
+
+"But," I cried, "we can't have got from Birmingham to Glasgow in
+thirty-five seconds." For a moment the Captain's eyes flashed angrily.
+He clenched his feet, and, remembering the horrible fate of the
+seasick sailor, I crouched against the bulwark. With an effort,
+however, the man mastered himself. I was relieved to see an enigmatic
+smile overspread his countenance.
+
+"It is plain," he said, in the voice of one patiently rebuking a
+child, "that you do not know what a German airship can do. Ah! ha!
+There goes Bristol!" he added, as further detonations smote upon our
+ears.
+
+And so the hideous carnage proceeded. Grasmere, Aberystwith,
+Stratford-on-Avon, Freshwater Bay and the Lizard--with dreadful
+precision these teeming hives of English industry were laid waste,
+incinerated, scattered to the winds in fine impalpable dust. I thought
+sadly of the brave men in khaki that were being cut off by the
+thousand in their prime (for the gallant Captain had taken the utmost
+precaution not to drop any of his bombs in the neighbourhood of
+non-combatants). But, after all, I mused, they will soon be replaced
+by intelligent Germans, a blessing that civilization will not be slow
+to appreciate.
+
+At this moment the Captain approached me with an object in his hand.
+"You neutrals," he said, "have been deceived before now by the
+ridiculous reports disseminated by our enemies as to the results of
+these raids. But here is the proof." He then explained to me that to
+every Zeppelin was attached a large sinker or plummet, which was
+covered with grease and lowered from a drum to a few yards above the
+spot where the bomb was destined to fall. To this plummet adhered
+fragments of various objects, animate or other, which the explosion of
+the missile hurled into the air. Such a fragment the Captain was now
+extending for my observation. I admitted that to my uninitiated eye it
+closely resembled a portion of the outer surface of a cow or some
+kindred animal. "You are indeed ignorant," said my host, smiling in
+the same enigmatic way. "The object is undoubtedly a fragment of the
+propeller shaft of a large vessel, which satisfies me that at Swanage,
+where our last bomb was dropped, a portion of the High Seas Fleet was
+anchored. And as a matter of fact," he added, producing a small dark
+object from his pocket, "here is a part of Sir JOHN JELLICOE'S
+necktie. Notice how precisely it tallies with the descriptions
+furnished by our secret agents, one of whom is actually engaged about
+the Admiral's person disguised as a pastry-cook."
+
+Here, then, was the proof. One could not doubt the evidence of one's
+senses. But mine had been subjected to an unusual test that night, and
+when the Captain, well satisfied with his night's work, courteously
+invited me to have another glass of schnapps with him I accepted with
+alacrity. The glass was hardly at my lips when an orderly announced
+that we were at anchor in the shed. Thanking the brave Captain for the
+most wonderful experience of a not uninteresting lifetime, I hurried
+away to my hotel and fell into a deep slumber. When I awoke late that
+afternoon my manservant placed in my hand the last edition of the
+London _Times_. It stated that there had been a Zeppelin raid, and
+that 19 civilians, three cows, four churches, two rows of cottages,
+one omnibus, and no soldiers had been destroyed.
+
+I smiled--enigmatically.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Socialist Working Man, aged 25, would welcome companionship
+    of Socialist exempted conscientious objector, chiefly for
+    week-end cycling; or athletic lady holding similar views
+    would suit, residing North Kent area."
+                                               _Socialist Paper._
+
+It would be much better for him to meet an athletic lady not holding
+similar views.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OCC. POET'S APOLOGIA.
+
+  Where the moon's unmitigated crescent,
+    Sailing through the amethystine deeps,
+  With a smile sardonic and senescent
+    Down upon our Armageddon peeps;
+  Thither, drawn by sympathy ecstatic,
+    Like a shooting star my spirit flies
+  From the company of gross, lymphatic
+    Souls entangled by terrestrial ties.
+
+  Where the sombre azimuths are booming,
+    Flecked with argent elemental foam,
+  And the stately colocynths are blooming
+    In a salicylic monochrome;
+  There, transported on pellucid pinions,
+    Sick of common sense I seek repose,
+  Far from the disconsolate dominions
+    Tainted by the tyranny of prose.
+
+  O'er the whole translunar gamut ranging.
+    There my astral body slides and skims,
+  Choriambic melodies exchanging
+    With the apolaustic cherubims;
+  Weaving in a polyphonic pattern
+    Harmonies that mock at clefs and bars;
+  Toying with the shining rings of Saturn,
+    Throwing star-dust in the eyes of Mars.
+
+  There, suspended in a sumptuous limbo,
+    Like a happier version of the boy
+  Drawn by Mr. BLACKWOOD in his _Jimbo_,
+    I shall taste of bliss without alloy;
+  Other minstrels may indulge in fighting,
+    I myself cannot so far forget
+  As to shun the raptures of inditing
+    Occ. verse for the _Bestspinster Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For our "Glimpses of the Obvious":
+
+    "An interesting feature in the prone trees was that they all
+    fell in one direction, showing the direction from which the
+    blast came."
+                                                 _Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "So soft and loose was the earth that the trench walls had to
+    be rivetted."
+                                                  _Daily Sketch._
+
+A very curious treatment. Personally we always use a safety-pin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Inquiries are being received at Lloyds for insurance to pay
+    total loss in case of peace being declared during the present
+    war."
+                                              _Montreal Gazette._
+
+We ourselves should take our chance of this contingency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The total import value of matches is less than L1,000,000
+    per annum, and if L2,000,000 is to be collected, it will make
+    matches 6d. or even more per dozen."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Mr. MCKENNA surely cannot have realized this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE SENTIMENTAL DRAMA.
+
+[Illustration: REGINALD CARSTAIRS, READING DURING THE VACATION AT
+A REMOTE COUNTRY VILLAGE, FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE LANDLADY'S FAIR
+DAUGHTER, ROSIE. IN THE OLD ORCHARD SHE WOULD SING TO HIM "PANSY
+FACES."]
+
+[Illustration: REGINALD'S HAUGHTY FATHER WILL NOT HEAR OF HIS UNION
+WITH THE RUSTIC GIRL, AND MARRIES HIM TO A WEALTHY HEIRESS. HE
+CONTINUALLY ANNOYS HER BY PICKING OUT ON THE PIANO THE MUSIC OF
+AN OLD SONG. AND SO THEY REACH A LOVELESS MIDDLE-AGE.]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE MEANTIME ROSIE HAS HAD HER VOICE CULTIVATED,
+AND, UNDER THE NAME OF "LA BELLE ROSSIGNOLETTE," HAS TAKEN THE
+CONTINENT BY STORM. IN THE MIDST OF HER GREATEST TRIUMPHS, HOWEVER,
+SHE IS OFTEN _DISTRAITE_.]
+
+[Illustration: COMING AT LENGTH TO LONDON, SHE APPEARS IN GRAND OPERA.
+FOR HER FIRST NIGHT CARSTAIRS, LITTLE KNOWING HER TRUE IDENTITY, HAS
+TAKEN THE STAGE-BOX. SHE RECOGNISES HIM, AND, INSTEAD OF SINGING HER
+OPENING SONG, ELECTRIFIES THE HOUSE BY GIVING "PANSY FACES."]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SENSATION THAT ENSUES THE THEATRE CATCHES FIRE.
+ROSIE RESCUES REGINALD, BUT HIS WIFE PERISHES IN THE FLAMES.]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE EVENING OF LIFE: "PANSY FACES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ABOVE SQUAD, CONTAINING AN EX-CONTORTIONIST, HAS
+JUST RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTION:--"AT THE COMMAND 'BACKWARD
+BEND,' PLACE THE HANDS ON THE HIPS AND BEND BACK AS FAR AS POSSIBLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE EYE-WASH.
+
+  Whene'er I see some high brass-hatted man
+    Inspect the Depot with his ribboned train,
+  When all seems spick and absolutely span
+    And no man spits and nothing gives him pain,
+  I think what blissful ignorance is theirs
+    Who only see us on inspection days,
+  And wonder, could they catch us unawares,
+    Would they be still so eloquent of praise?
+
+  They think the soldiers are a cleanly type,
+    For all their brass is bright with elbow-fat,
+  Burnished their bayonets and oiled their hyp;
+    Do they suppose they always look like that?
+  They see the quarters beautiful and gay,
+    Yet never realise, with all their lore,
+  Those bright new beds were issued yesterday
+    And will to-morrow be returned to store.
+
+  They doubtless say, "Was ever drill so deft?
+    Were ever rifles so precisely sloped?
+  Observe that section change direction left
+    So much, much better than the best we hoped;"
+  But little know with what grim enterprise
+    For week on week that clever-looking crew
+  Have practised up for their especial eyes
+    The sole manoeuvre they can safely do.
+
+  And I could tell where many a canker gnaws
+    Within the walls they fancy free from sin;
+  I know how officers infringe their laws,
+    I know the corners where the men climb in;
+  I know who broke the woodland fence to bits
+    And what platoon attacked the Shirley cow,
+  While the dull Staff, for all their frantic chits,
+    Know not the truth of that distressing row.
+
+  These are the things I think they should be taught,
+    But, since I know what ages must elapse,
+  What forms be filled, what signatures be sought,
+    Ere I have speech with such exalted chaps,
+  I here announce that they are much misled,
+    That they should see us when we think them far,
+  Should steal upon us, all unheralded,
+    And find what frauds, what awful frauds we are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I was astonished that not a Londoner raised a cheer for the
+    fine Bankers' Battalion of the Fusiliers which marched
+    through the City to-day. We are really absurdly shy."
+                     _"Quex Junior" in "Evening News," April 15._
+
+    "The older comrades, who are keeping banks going in the
+    absence of the younger patriots, turned out to cheer their
+    comrades."
+                                     _"Evening News," same date._
+
+The older bankers, we must presume, are all from the provinces, and
+not so shy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHAMPION OF THE SMALLER NATIONS.
+
+IMPERIAL PACHYDERM. "OUR HEART GOES OUT TO THESE POOR LITTLE
+UNPROTECTED EGGS. THEY WANT MOTHERING. WE WILL SIT ON THEM."
+[_Does so._]
+
+[With Mr. Punch's apologies to a noble animal.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: _COLONEL CHURCHILL (arriving post-haste at the House
+of Commons from the Front, on April 18_), "COME I TOO LATE FOR THE
+PREMIER'S STATEMENT?"
+
+_Constable._ "ON THE CONTRARY, SIR, YOU'RE A DAY TOO EARLY."
+
+[The Constable was in error. He should have said a week.]]
+
+_Monday, April 17th._--The hon. Member who described the present
+Parliamentary situation as "a cabal every afternoon and a crisis every
+second day" is justified of his epigram. The lobbies this afternoon
+were full of agitated whisperers, with much talk of a divided Cabinet
+and this and that Minister on the brink of resignation, because they
+cannot agree upon the number of men they want for the Army or the best
+method of obtaining them. All of which must be very comforting to our
+enemies.
+
+Some anxiety is felt on the Treasury Bench owing to the marked
+shortage of Members from Ireland. Hitherto, whenever the Government
+has seemed to be in danger, Mr. REDMOND'S followers have trooped over
+from Dublin to the rescue. But to-day most of them are absent. Some
+attribute their defection to chagrin at their shortsightedness in
+resisting the appointment of Mr. CAMPBELL as Lord Chancellor of
+Ireland. As Attorney-General they fear he will exert a much more
+potent influence in Irish affairs.
+
+Faithful among the faithless, Mr. GINNELL was in his place. He is not
+interested in the troubles of the British Government. His present
+obsession is the alleged over-taxation of his own beloved country. In
+order that he might have due verge and scope to expatiate upon that
+grievance be pressed the PRIME MINISTER to arrange an early sitting on
+Wednesday and also to suspend the eleven o'clock rule. At this naive
+suggestion the House relieved its tension with a hearty laugh.
+
+How much truth there may be in the stories of Ministerial dissension
+I do not know; but there is undoubtedly a CAVE on the Treasury Bench.
+In the absence of the CHANCELLOR he took charge of the Report Stage of
+the Finance Bill, and very well he acquitted himself. Incidentally the
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL had the honour of bringing about a notable
+reconciliation. Among the few occupants of the Nationalist benches
+were Mr. DILLON and Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, who for some years past have
+rarely met without a collision. Accordingly when Mr. DILLON had
+resisted a proposal to fine any visitor to an entertainment who did
+not pay the Amusements-tax, it was confidently expected that Mr. HEALY
+would find excellent reasons for asserting that this was the best
+clause in the whole Bill, and that only a melancholy humbug would
+oppose it. Instead he vigorously supported his former foe with an
+argument that I am sure Mr. DILLON would never have thought of. "Was
+it not a weird proposal," he asked, "that a child who had unwittingly
+walked; through a turnstile should forthwith become a convict and lose
+its Old-Age Pension?"
+
+_Tuesday, April 18th._--When one has at last screwed up one's courage
+to have a tooth out, there is nothing more unnerving than to be told
+by the dentist that he cannot operate to-day and that one must come
+again to-morrow. The House of Commons felt like that this afternoon.
+Members had flocked from all parts of the kingdom--Nationalist Ireland
+excepted--to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S promised statement. Col.
+CHURCHILL, Lord HUGH CECIL (with a patch on his lofty brow denoting a
+recent casualty), and other warrior-statesmen had reluctantly torn
+themselves from the attractions of the trenches to do their duty at
+Westminster. The Ladies' Gallery was filled to overflowing.
+
+Then the ominous word went round, "No statement to-day." Sure enough,
+when the PRIME MINISTER rose and hushed the buzz of conversation that
+had rendered Questions inaudible, it was merely to observe that there
+were still some points outstanding, that no statement would be
+adequate without their adjustment, and that he would therefore
+postpone his motion for the Easter adjournment until to-morrow. Sir
+EDWARD CARSON'S motion demanding compulsory service for all men of
+military age would, if necessary, be discussed on Thursday.
+
+Members hastened out into the Lobby to chatter about the new phase of
+the crisis and to speculate as to what were the points outstanding,
+and whether the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS was or was not the prickliest of
+them. To the noise and flurry created by their exit Mr. MCKENNA owes
+it that his Finance Bill will appear in the Journals of the House as
+having been passed without a dissenting voice. Mr. WHITLEY, who was in
+the Chair, has not the commanding tones of Mr. LOWTHER, and when he
+put the question, "That this Bill be now read a Third time," nobody
+rose to speak. Accordingly he declared that the "Ays" had it; and
+though several Members then protested that they had not heard the
+question put, and urged that it should be put again, he politely but
+firmly declined to oblige them.
+
+In an incautious moment yesterday Mr. TENNANT advised Mr. SNOWDEN to
+use his imagination. I should have thought the advice was superfluous,
+for, to judge by some of the stories that the Member for Blackburn is
+in the habit of retailing to the House regarding the persecution of
+conscientious objectors by callous N.C.O.'s, his imagination is
+working overtime. On the motion for the adjournment Mr. TENNANT had to
+listen to several more of them. He was rewarded for his patience by
+obtaining an unexpected testimonial from Mr. KING, who in his most
+patronising tones declared that he was sorry for the UNDER SECRETARY,
+who was really "a great deal better than the average man in the
+street."
+
+In readiness for the PRIME MINISTER'S anticipated statement, Lord
+MILNER had put down a motion in the House of Lords in favour of
+compulsory service for all men of military age; and, despite the
+changed circumstances, he persisted in moving it, and made an
+admirable speech in its support. Lord CREWE, indeed, found it
+unanswerable for the time being, as Downing Street was "still
+thinking." He could not say when its thoughts would be resolved into
+decision, but hoped it might be to-morrow--or, if not to-morrow,
+Thursday--or, if not Thursday, then perhaps Monday. Lord CREWE has not
+sat at Mr. ASQUITH'S feet all these years without catching something
+of his methods.
+
+_Wednesday, April 19th._--The House was even more crowded and anxious
+than yesterday. In the Peers' Gallery a dim figure, carrying a bunch
+of primroses and looking astonishingly like Mr. DENNIS EADIE, was
+heard to murmur, "I wonder whether England loves Coalitions any more
+than she did in my time." The present PRIME MINISTER appears to think
+that she does, for, after remarking that continued disagreement on
+material points threatened a breakup of the Government, he ventured to
+describe that contingency as a national disaster. The Liberals thought
+so too, and cheered loudly; the Unionists were not quite so sure, and
+Sir EDWARD CARSON, beside whom sat Col. CHURCHILL, looking as if he
+had never heard of Ulster, indicated that, while he would be the last
+man to refuse the Government time for repentance and reformation, he
+would in the meantime keep his Resolution on the Paper for use if
+necessary when the House met again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Stoker (weary)._ "I'D LIKE TO FIND THE MERCHANT
+'OO INVENTED BOILERS!"
+
+_Second Stoker (also weary)._ "BOILERS BE BLOWED! I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE
+BLIGHTER 'OO FOUND OUT THAT COAL WOULD BURN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED. Reliable Woman to Wash Mondays, 2s. 6d.
+    daily."--_Llanelly Star._
+
+Some Mondays are so black.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "War Work for capable open-air Woman of leisure. Wanted to
+    help sister of man called up to run sole grocery shop in
+    lovely country."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+Why wasn't he called up to fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Observer_ rebuked _The Daily News_ for unkindness in remarking
+that at a certain point in the recent "Poets' Reading," Mr. BIRRELL,
+"who had been sitting with his head in his hands, looked up
+delighted." But was it quite nice of _The Observer_ itself to say in
+its account of the same function that "the Prime Minister looked in
+when the readings were in progress, and remained for some time talking
+with many friends"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Peppery Senior (through din of Bosches' "morning
+hate")._ "LATE FOR BREAKFAST AGAIN."
+
+_Very Junior Officer (apologetically)._ "SORRY, SIR. DIDN'T HEAR
+THE GONG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PHILATELIST.
+
+This was the day appointed, after considerable discussion, for our
+visit to London, and at an early hour Frederick and I were ready for
+the journey. Frederick, who is tending slowly, as it seems to me,
+towards an as yet sufficiently remote ninth birthday, had been
+vigorously and successfully scrubbed till he shone with an unwonted
+absence of grime; his hair had been temporarily battened down; his
+Eton collar was speckless, and his knickerbocker suit, while not
+aggressively new, was appropriate and free from visible rents. I
+cannot say he was impressed with the solemnity of the occasion, but he
+was eager and fully determined to purchase as many stamps as could be
+secured for the generous prize of money bestowed upon him by a lady
+who had observed his progress in the study of Nature--beetles, moths,
+tadpoles and the like--and had noted his ever-growing passion for
+postage-stamps.
+
+London he looked upon as one gigantic repository of stamps. I spoke to
+him of Trafalgar Square and the Nelson Column and the Landseer Lions.
+He replied by informing me that there was a certain issue of Mauritius
+which was valued at L1,200. "If," he said, "I could get that some day
+I shouldn't want to collect any more."
+
+"It seems," I said, "a lot of money to pay for a small piece of
+paper."
+
+"Yes," he agreed, "it is; but perhaps I could get it cheap in some old
+shop which didn't know much about it."
+
+I then tried to divert his attention to the prospect of having
+luncheon with me at the Rhadamanthus Club, but he begged me not to
+interrupt him, as he was endeavouring to calculate how many years it
+would take him to get together the sum if he could manage to save
+two-pence a week out of his pocket-money. After a short mental
+struggle, however, he gave it up and banished the blue Mauritius, or
+whatever it is, from his ambitions and his conversation.
+
+Before we started Francesca addressed a few earnest words to me about
+the proper care of a boy in London.
+
+"Be sure," she said, "to see that he keeps his hands clean. I should
+hate to think that he was wandering about Piccadilly and Pall Mall
+with dirty hands."
+
+"He'll have to wander," I said, "with such hands as Nature provides
+for him. No little boy can ever keep his hands clean anywhere for more
+than half a minute at a stretch."
+
+"But you might give him an occasional wash, you know."
+
+"I will do everything," I said, "that may become a father, short of
+carrying about a wash-hand basin and a jug of water and a piece of
+soap and a towel through Piccadilly and Pall Mall."
+
+"And his hair," she said,--"you'll not let it got too untidy, will
+you?"
+
+"I'll brush it when I can," I said; "but you must remember that a
+little boy without a Catherine-wheel of hair on the back of his head
+is only fit for a museum. I must insist on his keeping his
+Catherine-wheel substantially intact."
+
+Well, at last we got off in the train on our adventure, I with a
+morning paper, and Frederick deep in a stamp-catalogue, from which he
+occasionally brought forth things old and new. In due time we reached
+our destination and stood triumphant in the stamp-shop. It was not a
+large shop, but it was a rich shop, owning countless valuable
+varieties, and Frederick, whose hands were now of the subfuse hue
+which Cambridge insists on for the garments of her candidates, was
+soon engaged in an animated discussion with the affable and amused
+proprietor. At last the five shillings were exhausted and the deal was
+complete, the last item consisting of a perfectly terrific set of
+Gaboon stamps, each decorated with the fuzzy head of a spear-bearing
+native warrior. It speaks volumes for the power and courage of our
+French allies that they should have been able to overcome these savage
+and formidable tribesmen, and reduce them to the order that is implied
+by the existence of a post-office and the possession of stamps.
+
+We now found that we had about forty minutes to spare. It is hardly
+necessary to say that, being in the immediate neighbourhood of the
+Strand, we devoted the time to a Cinema. The change from the Gaboon
+and its truculent inhabitants to a highly sentimentalised
+fishing-village was something of a wrench, but Frederick, clutching
+his purchases and his catalogue as if his life depended on stamps, was
+equal to it. He bore without flinching the storms and the wrecks, and
+the bodies of drowned men tossed upon the shore. Nor did he audibly
+disapprove when one fisherman, rescued from death, lost his memory for
+many years, and eventually regained it in extreme old age amid the
+rejoicings of his relatives and neighbours.
+
+Thence we passed by a happy change to the detached and melancholy
+malice of Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, of whom I can now say, _Vidi tantum_.
+Mr. CHAPLIN'S victim on this occasion was a well-dressed foreign
+gentleman of perfect manners but fiery temper, who was compelled to
+suffer a series of dreadful indignities. We left him struggling
+silently but furiously against an adhesive lobster salad which Mr.
+CHAPLIN had, in an absent-minded moment, plastered over his face.
+
+We now went on to the Rhadamanthus. Here the rite of washing and
+brushing was duly performed, Frederick remarking with obvious regret
+that if it had only been on the Cinema he would have had to throw the
+soap at me and splash the water in my face. "But," he added, "I shall
+be able to do it to Alice when I get home." He was not at all
+overwhelmed by the marble and gilded splendours of our palace, but sat
+himself down to luncheon as if he had an immemorial right to be there.
+General Wilbraham (in khaki), Mr. Justice Black, and Mr. Trevor, the
+eminent publisher, kind old gentlemen, my friends and contemporaries,
+came up to us and were introduced to the little boy and smiled at him
+and patted his head, where the indomitable Catherine-wheel still
+whirled in triumph, and all declared that it was hardly tolerable in
+another to be so young, and asked him what it felt like, and said that
+growing up was the great mistake.
+
+And then a strange thing happened. The luncheon-room suddenly became a
+hall filled with boys. The General and the Judge and the Publisher
+dwindled and changed. The long-lost hair came back to their heads in
+great untidy tufts; they put on Eton jackets and collars and grubby
+hands. In fact, they were little boys again; and Master Wilbraham said
+he was keeping _Cave_, and Master Black said something was a regular
+chouse, and Master Trevor declared violently that somebody was a sneak
+and that somebody else must have tweaks for new clothes. It lasted for
+a moment, and then, as with a puff of air, it all changed back, and we
+were again in the luncheon-room of the club, four time-worn veterans
+and one eager little boy tightly grasping a catalogue of stamps.
+                                                            R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Subaltern (proudly, as devastating motor-cyclist
+dashes by)._ "ONE OF 'OURS.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE SHOW SHOP."
+
+The drama is almost the only religion I know that can expose the
+mysteries of its ritual to the vulgar gaze and yet retain the devotion
+of its worshippers. There is nothing a British audience so loves as to
+be taken behind the scenes and shown how it is done--or not done; and
+then it will attend the next play and go on adoring with the blindest
+infatuation. Were it not for this astounding gift of resilience one
+might deplore the prurient curiosity that wants to peep into the
+hollow image of Isis and get at the machinery of the priesthood.
+
+More human and wholesome is the satisfaction derived from the
+revelation of amateur foibles, for here we are laughing at ourselves,
+as in _A Pantomime Rehearsal_. In _The Show Shop_ this element was
+supplied by a young plutocrat who took a small part with a travelling
+company in order to be near his _fiancee_, the leading lady; and
+continued in it as _jeune premier_ because she refused to be made love
+to on the stage by anybody else. In assuming a _role_ for which he was
+incredibly ill-qualified he seemed likely to facilitate the
+achievement of his purpose, namely to make the play a hopeless failure
+and so secure the deliverance of his lady from the thraldom of her
+mother's ambitions and set her free to marry him.
+
+However, the failure failed to come off, and although he forgot to
+remove his overcoat (containing the stolen bonds) at a critical
+juncture on which the Great Situation turned--the error was so deadly
+that the mother, who had stage-managed the thing and was witnessing
+the first performance from a box, actually rose in her seat to correct
+it--the play was a roaring success; and there was nothing for it but a
+secret marriage, marred by the prospect of a two years' run "on
+Broadway."
+
+Mr. A. E. MATTHEWS, as the amateur, made extraordinarily good fun for
+us; and there was something fresh in the idea of following up the
+dress rehearsal with a first night. It not only gave the amateur his
+chance of making the big mistake against which he had been thoroughly
+warned, but our own applause allowed the company to put into practice
+the lessons they had learned in those sacred conventions which
+regulate the taking of a call.
+
+There are those who say that Transatlantic humour should be
+interpreted exclusively by a native cast, and that an Anglo-American
+alliance is a mistake. I trust President WILSON'S recent policy will
+not be affected by this view. Certainly, though the combination was
+responsible for the noisiest fun of the farce, the purely American
+performance of Miss MARGARET MOFFATT at the opening of the First Act
+was as good as anything in the play. But happily this is not one of
+those imported creations that overwhelm my uninstructed intelligence
+with exotic colour and exotic slang.
+
+Mr. EDMUND GWENN, as _Max Rosenbaum_, impresario, was in irresistible
+form. Miss MARIE LOeHR, in the part of the leading lady, was at her
+lightest and therefore her best; but Lady TREE (her designing mother),
+though she played very hard and incisively, could scarcely have
+satisfied her own very nice sense of humour with what was to be got
+out of a character that resembled nothing on earth (or the Eastern
+hemisphere anyhow).
+
+In the midst of all the mirth there was a pathetic passage between a
+couple of impecunious players, _Johnny Brinkley_ (played by Mr. GEORGE
+ELTON, who had many good things to say and said them well) and
+_Effie_, his wife, on the theme of the precariousness of their career.
+It must have melted the cynical heart of many a critic in the
+audience, and I for one was almost persuaded to confine myself for the
+future to encomium in these columns.
+
+However, there is no flattery in the compliments I beg to offer to Mr.
+JAMES FORBES for a very diverting evening. Perhaps the last Act
+dragged a little, but in any case after the orgy he had given us we
+were ripe for reaction. With most imported plays one is apt to doubt
+whether the humour is novel in its essence or merely a matter of
+unfamiliar form, common enough in its place of origin. But the humour
+of Mr. FORBES, or at least the best of it, is something more than
+American.
+                                                               O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She heard him blowing his nose on the hall mat, and
+    she understood the major sufficiently to know that this
+    portended something."--_Home Chat._
+
+We have always regarded this behaviour as ominous, even in the case
+of civilians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Once you have a wife and are tied down to the world, she
+    creates the necessity of a house and saves you from being a
+    wanderer on the face of the earth. No wife, no house. Hence,
+    say our Shastras, it is not the building called the house
+    that is the wife, it is the wife who is the house. And even
+    now, both among the high and the low, it is usual for a Hindu
+    to speak of his wife as his house."
+                     N. G. CHANDAVARKARIN "_The Times of India._"
+
+We foresee domestic trouble when the Flat system reaches India.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ECCENTRIC.
+
+Having alighted on strange ground at Chiswick Park Station, I was
+lost. My destination was HOGARTH'S House--one of the few homes of the
+illustrious which are preserved for pious pilgrims, but whether to go
+this way or that I had no notion, nor was there anyone to ask. I
+therefore turned to the left and, just after being half-blinded by a
+dusty whirlwind, stopped an errand-boy and was told by him I had done
+right, and had but to keep on.
+
+I therefore continued, but with so little confidence that a hundred
+yards further on I stopped another wayfarer, who, however, had no
+knowledge of any Hogarth but a local laundry of that name, and could
+not say where it was.
+
+It was then that I fell into the arms of as admirable although
+peculiar a man as I ever hope to meet, and communicative too. He was
+one of those elderly men who keep their youth, largely by virtue of
+cheerful spirits. He was short and active and he wore a cap. He had
+sandy-grey hair and a touch of sandy-grey whisker; his eye was bright
+and his cheeks were ruddy. He beamed with contentment. He may not have
+been, as the diverting Mr. BERRY says in _Tina_, "fearfully crisp,"
+but he was crisp enough.
+
+Did he know Chiswick? Why, he had known it for nearly sixty years.
+Then he knew HOGARTH'S House? No, he couldn't say he did, but, anyhow,
+it must be in the other direction, because this, strictly speaking,
+was Acton Green and not Chiswick at all. To get to Chiswick I ought to
+have gone the other way. "But a depraved errand-boy----" I began to
+say, and then realising that the recapitulation of other people's
+errors is perhaps the idlest form of speech, where nearly all lack
+necessity, I said instead that the natives did not seem to specialise
+much in knowledge of their locality; to which he replied that they
+ought to, for there was no more beautiful place in the world.
+
+"I'm going in the direction you want, myself," he added. "The fact is
+we're moving, and I've got to get some new blinds, and the shop's on
+your way."
+
+So we fell into step, I with great difficulty keeping up with his
+happy buoyancy.
+
+Yes, he admitted, moving was a trial, but his new house was far more
+comfortable than the old one, and, after all, what's a little trouble?
+
+This was a revolutionary enough remark, but when he went on to ask,
+Wasn't it a lovely spring morning? I felt shamed completely, for I was
+still angry with the gusts under the scudding sky. And it had been a
+lovely night, too, he added. Not a cloud all night. And a moon! such a
+moon! He never remembered a lovelier night. How did he know so much
+about the night? Why, he was a night watchman. In the General Omnibus
+Company. Had been for years. When then did he sleep? Oh, he would soon
+be in bed, but he liked a walk in the morning. Especially such a
+morning as this. In two hours' time he'd be fast asleep. Oh no, he
+didn't mind being on duty at night, and then, being in the General, he
+could have rides for nothing, and only the other day he'd been to
+Bushy Park to see the fallen trees. My, what a grand sight! He'd never
+seen so many fine trees on their sides. Wonderful it was.
+
+Didn't Chiswick look grand in the Spring? he asked me. Such lovely
+blossom in the gardens. Chiswick had once been famous for its fruit
+orchards, and many trees still remained. Didn't I think it pretty?
+
+As a matter of fact it was looking to me exactly like other suburbs;
+but I hadn't the heart to dash so enthusiastic and friendly a
+creature; so I said I thought Chiswick charming.
+
+And healthy, he went on: there wasn't a healthier place anywhere--all
+sand. Wherever you dug you'd find sand.
+
+I had a sudden vision of myself, spade in hand, testing this
+statement; but he allowed no time for such diversions of thought. The
+goodness of Chiswick and the importance of praising it were too urgent
+with him.
+
+After passing the station we came to a block of peculiarly hideous
+flats on the right. There, he said, pointing to them, wasn't that
+convenient? What could a clerk want better than that? For himself he
+couldn't ask a better fate than to live at Chiswick. Such a fine High
+Street, and the biggest music-hall in the suburbs. The picture palaces
+too. But he was sorry to say that some Chiswick people had taken to
+going to a new one at Hammersmith. That was a pity, he thought. Had I
+ever seen such a nice Green?
+
+By this time I was becoming stunned. I pinched myself to discover
+whether or not I dreamed. A Londoner, or Greater Londoner, pleased
+with his home; an Englishman of any description satisfied with
+anything English, and especially just now, when the rule is to cry
+stinking fish! What could be the matter?
+
+I would try him, I thought, in his most sensitive spot, his pocket;
+and the opportunity came naturally enough for we were passing the
+shops in the High Street and he began to extol their merits.
+
+"But isn't everything horribly dear nowadays?" I said.
+
+"Yes," he replied, gaily "it is; but I can remember when it was
+dearer."
+
+What is one to do with a man like that? Had we not now come to my
+turning, Duke's Avenue, where he bade me good-bye, I might have
+discovered that he did not think Lord KITCHENER an imbecile, Mr.
+BALFOUR a mere salary-hunter, and Mr. ASQUITH a traitor. To such an
+oddly constructed mind even those things were possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy (to Jock, on leave)._ "WHAT ABOUT THE LINGO?
+SUPPOSE YOU WANT AN EGG OVER THERE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?"
+
+_Jock._ "YE JUIST SAY, 'OOF'."
+
+_Tommy._ "BUT SUPPOSE YOU WANT TWO?"
+
+_Jock._ "YE SAY 'TWA OOFS,' AND THE SILLY AULD FULE WIFE GIES YE
+THREE, AND YE JUIST GIE HER BACK ONE. MAN, IT'S AN AWFU' EASY
+LANGUAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Mr. BELLOC can, I am sure, write entertainingly about any phase of the
+French Revolution on his head, and in _The Last Days of the French
+Monarchy_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) he has apparently done so. I cannot think
+it will add to his reputation. It will be something if it doesn't hurt
+it. He has taken a short story, and by a process of dextrous padding
+and the practice of a method, which is becoming an obsession with him,
+of going deep into the obvious with much industry and circumstance, he
+has contrived, with the addition of a number of plates--some of
+singular irrelevance--a fattish book. Even ignorant persons like this
+Learned Clerk are apt to be chagrined by being so obviously written
+down to. On the other hand, naturally, an author who knows his
+intriguing subject so well and drives so forceful a pen cannot fail to
+be interesting. The historian seems most concerned to prove, by his
+familiar and plausible method of going over the ground "in the same
+season, in the same weather, after the same rains, in the same mist,"
+that the Prussian charge by Valmy Mill miscarried only because the
+infantry got bogged in marsh that looked like stubble. So now we know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the list of books already published by Mr. CECIL HEADLAM it is
+easy to see that he is by choice a topographer rather than a novelist.
+Indeed the fact is made sufficiently obvious to the reader of _Red
+Screes_ (SMITH, ELDER). Its sub-title is _A Romance of Lakeland_, and
+so strongly developed is the place-spirit in its author that he is
+constantly breaking the rather tenuous thread of his story to
+introduce long descriptions of Cumberland scenery and people, and as
+this is most easily done by sending his chief characters for walks in
+the districts that Mr. HEADLAM wishes to talk about the result is that
+I seldom read a novel in which the protagonists were kept so sternly
+on the move. But I am far from saying that the result is not happy
+enough, especially for those readers who already know and love the
+neighbourhood that the author handles so well. As for the tale, that,
+as I have hinted, is nothing to keep you awake o' nights. There is a
+millionaire in it, with one daughter (whom he hates) and a very
+unpleasant secretary, who loves the daughter for her prospects and a
+country lass for her looks; and there is a great deal of the most
+unconvincing finance that ever I read, even in fiction. As for the
+secretary's end, it wouldn't be fair to give that away, as it is
+really the only point at which the plot quickens into sufficient
+vigour to hold its own with the setting. Mr. HEADLAM obviously both
+knows and loves the land of red screes; I am doubtful whether he is as
+much at home with the stock-manipulators of Wall Street or their
+emotional offspring. And I don't like his introduction of the second
+heroine--"The girl's head was bare, save for the crowning glory of
+womanhood." What I mean is, if it hadn't had that much covering----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The King's Men_ (SECKER) are just our friends, yours and mine and Mr.
+JOHN PALMER'S, who have exchanged their tools and toys, their pens,
+wigs, brushes, books, spats and dreams for stars (one, two or three)
+and scars; all drawn into the Great Adventure which began on that 4th
+of August so many long years ago. Dilettante _Pelham_, prig and
+pacificist not from passion but from detachment, always so unbeatable
+in argument and always so wrong; sportsman _Rivers_, seeing simply and
+straight; crank _Smith_; comfortable _Baddeley_ in his snug Government
+berth; poser _Ponsonby_, always doing the thing that's the thing to
+do; exquisite _Graham_, with his fair lodge in the wilderness--all
+hallowed by the great consecration. There are, too, the King's women
+and an unhappy necessary stay-at-home or two, and a big and rather
+crude contractor, who will be master in his own works. But the young
+men are the folk Mr. PALMER best understands and presents in turns of
+clever and vehement talk. I beg you to read this book for these good
+things and for a tender love of England which shines nobly between the
+lines of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Perhaps _Fauvette_, the heroine of _The Green Orchard_ (CASSELL), was
+too modern to have much acquaintance with the works of the late
+WILLIAM BLACK. Which was a pity, as a recollection of _A Daughter of
+Heth_ might have withheld her from her impulsive marriage with _Martin
+Wilderspin_, or from feeling so much like a gold-fish out of water
+when he took her away from Paris to share a life that was a dreary
+contrast to all her previous experience. In any case I cannot hold her
+blameless for the resulting shipwreck. A bride who comes down late for
+a most critical little dinner to her husband's family, and attires
+herself (see cover) like a circus-rider, simply is not giving
+matrimony a fair chance. Moreover I seem to observe that Mr. ANDREW
+SOUTAR thinks this was rather sporting in his heroine. He certainly
+loads the dice in her favour, for, when the inevitable had happened
+and _Martin_ and _Fauvette_ had separated, the lady sought the
+consolations of literature and became (as heroines will) the sensation
+of the hour. Though _The Green Orchard_ is a brisk easy-running tale
+fidelity to life is hardly its strong point. Of course it was not to
+be expected that _Fauvette_ would escape being adored by _Martin's_
+best friend; the real touch of originality is the final reward of this
+kind gentleman. For my own part I certainly expected--but to tell you
+that would be to betray what doesn't happen. The whole affair is a
+pleasant respite from actuality: more, I fear, it would be impossible
+to say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kind Old Lady._ "I SEE THERE IS AN URGENT APPEAL FOR
+MORE LITERATURE FOR OUR FIGHTING MEN. I THOUGHT SOME LONELY SOLDIER OR
+SAILOR MIGHT LIKE TO REVIVE MEMORIES OF THE DEAR HOMELAND WITH THIS
+VOLUME OF THE POST OFFICE DIRECTORY FOR 1899."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the description of a polar-bear's escapade in the Edinburgh
+"Zoo":--
+
+    "The keepers now appeared, and with the assistance of
+    of gun-firing and much noise the animal was quietly
+    shepherded back to its accustomed place of confinement."
+                                   _North British Agriculturist._
+
+"Quietly" was a happy thought.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+CL, April 26, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 ***
+
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