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diff --git a/30575.txt b/30575.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f1a484 --- /dev/null +++ b/30575.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1869 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL, +April 26, 1916, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CL, April 26, 1916 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: December 1, 2009 [EBook #30575] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 *** + + + + +Produced by Ritu Aggarwal, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + +1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_. + +2. Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the + closest paragraph break. + +3. The word manoeuvre uses an oe ligature in the original. + +4. Printer's inconsistencies in spelling, punctuation, hyphenation, + and ligature usage have been retained. + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. CL. + + + +APRIL 26, 1916. + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +GENERAL VILLA, in pursuit of whom a United States army has already +penetrated four hundred miles into Mexico, is alleged to have died. +It is not considered likely, however, that he will escape as easily +as all that. + + *** + +"Germans net the Sound," says a recent issue of a contemporary. We +don't know what profit they will get out of it, but we ourselves in +these hard times are only too glad to net anything. + + *** + +Bags of coffee taken from a Norwegian steamer and destined for German +consumption have been found to contain rubber. Once more the +immeasurable superiority of the German chemist as a deviser of +synthetic substitutes for ordinary household commodities is clearly +illustrated. What a contrast to our own scientists, whose use of this +most valuable food substitute has never gone far beyond an occasional +fowl or beefsteak. + + *** + +It has been suggested that in honour of the tercentenary of +SHAKSPEARE'S birth Barclay's brewery should be replaced by a new +theatre, a replica of the old Globe Theatre, whose site it is supposed +to occupy; and Mr. REGINALD MCKENNA is understood to have stated that +it is quite immaterial to him. + + *** + +"Horseflesh is on sale in the West End," says _The Daily Telegraph_, +"and the public analyst at Westminster reports having examined a +smoked horseflesh sausage and found it genuine." It is only fair to +our readers, however, to point out that the method of testing sausages +now in vogue, _i.e._ with a stethoscope, is only useful for +ascertaining the identity of the animal (if any) contained therein, +and is valueless in the case of sausages that are filled with sawdust, +india-rubber shavings, horsehair and other vegetables. + + *** + +Wandsworth Borough has refused the offer of a horse trough on the +ground that there are not enough horses to use it. But there are +always plenty of shirkers. + + *** + +Colonel CHURCHILL was reported on Tuesday last as having been seen +entering the side door of No. 11, Downing Street. It was, of course, +the critical stage door. + + *** + +The Austrian Government has issued an appeal for dogs "for sanitary +purposes." The valuable properties of the dog for sterilising sausage +casings have long been a secret of the Teuton. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + + "Real Harris Hand-Knitted Socks, _1s. 6d._: worth _2s. 6d._; + unwearable."--_Scotch Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shopkeeper._ "YES, I WANT A GOOD USEFUL LAD TO BE +PARTLY INDOORS AND PARTLY OUTDOORS." + +_Applicant._ "AND WHAT BECOMES OF ME WHEN THE DOOR SLAMS?"] + + * * * * * + +A Chance for the Illiterate. + + "Wanted, a good, all-round Gardener; illegible."--_Provincial + Paper._ + + "Gardener.--Wanted at once, clever experienced man with good + knowledge of toms., cucs., mums., &c., to work up small + nursery." + _Provincial Paper._ + +One with a knowledge of nursery language preferred. + + * * * * * + + "MANCHESTER, ENG. The election of directors of the Manchester + Chamber of Commerce resulted in the return of eighteen out of + twenty-two directors who are definitely committed to the + policy of no free trade with the 60th Canadian Battalion." + _Victoria Colonist (B.C.)._ + +We hope the battalion will not retaliate by refusing protection to +Manchester, Eng. + + * * * * * + +THE CURSE OF BABEL. + +Let me tell you about the Baronne de Blanqueville and her grandson. + +The Baronne is a Belgian lady who came to England in the early days of +the refugee movement, and established herself here in our village. + +With her came her younger daughter and Lou-lou, the infant son of an +elder daughter, who had for some reason to be left behind in Belgium. + +Lou-lou was a year old when, with his grandmother and his aunt, he +settled in England as an _emigre_. He was then inarticulate; now he +has gained the use of his tongue. + +He has had a little English nursemaid to attend on him, and he has +become a familiar object in many English families of the +neighbourhood. + +In fact, he has had a very English bringing up, and now that he is +more than two years old and can talk, he insists on talking English +with volubility and understanding it with completeness. + +I may mention, by the way, that someone has taught him some +expressions unusual in so young a mouth. The other day I met him in +his perambulator. He said, "I take the air. I'm damn comfable;" +whereupon the nursemaid blushed and chid him. + +That, however, is not the point--at any rate, not the whole of it. + +What I wish to make clear is this: the Baronne neither speaks nor +understands English, whereas Lou-lou speaks a great deal of English +and no French at all. He rejects that language with a violent shake of +his curly head. He stamps his small foot and tells his adoring +grandmother to speak English or leave him alone. + +Thus a gulf has begun to yawn between the Baronne and her beloved +Lou-lou. Communications are all but broken off. Lou-lou's aunt is in +better case, for she is slowly acquiring English; but the Baronne, I +think, will never learn _any_ English. + +What is to be done? + + * * * * * + + "The rage for flower-trimming is nothing short of an + obeisance."--_Evening Paper._ + +In spite of the War we still bow to the decrees of fashion. + + * * * * * + +THE JOY TAX. + + [By one who is prepared to accept it like a patriot without + further protest.] + + Now Spring comes laughing down the sky + To see her buds all busy hatching; + With tender green the woods are gay, + And birds, as is their April way, + Chirp merrily on the bough, and I + Chirp, too, because it's catching. + + Full many a joy I must eschew + And to the tempter's voice "No! No!" say; + With taxes laid on all delights + Must miss, with other mirthful sights, + On Monday next my annual view + Of England's Art Expose. + + I must forgo (and bear the worst + With what I can of noble calm) a + Pure bliss from which I only part + With horrid pain about the heart-- + I mean the humour unrehearsed + Of serious British drama. + + But, thank the Lord, I need not miss + The birds that in their leafy nook coo; + Young Spring is mine to taste at large, + The Ministry has made no charge + For earth that warms to April's kiss; + They haven't taxed the cuckoo! O. S. + + * * * * * + +A VOLUNTEER CASUALTY. + +We were "standing easy" prior to the assault on the undefended heights +of Spanker's Hill when the voice of the platoon-commander disturbed +our thoughts of home and loved ones, and particularly of our Sunday +dinners, which would be very much out of season before we could get at +them. + +"Number 4," he said, in a tone that thrilled us to the bottom twist of +our puttees, "these Body-Snatchers (thus coarsely he alluded to the +Ambulance Section) have been following us all day and haven't had a +single casualty so far. That is why, in the coming advance, I shall be +wounded. Sergeant, you will take over the command, should the worst +befall. Smith and Williams, as you are both big and heavy, you'd +better be knocked out too." + +It was with mingled feelings that I heard my name mentioned. In the +first place, a feeling of annoyance was engendered at having my +proportions thus publicly referred to. But other, and I trust +worthier, thoughts came to me, and, turning to my neighbour, I gave +him a few last messages of a suitably moving nature to be delivered to +my friends. The kind-hearted fellow was deeply affected, and in a +voice broken by emotion offered to take charge of my loose change, and +asked for my watch as a keepsake. I thanked him with tears in my eyes, +but said that the burial party would forward all my valuables to my +relations. + +Our conversation was interrupted by the command "Platoon--'SHUN. To +the left, to six paces, ex-TEND." By an oversight the preliminary +formation usually adopted as a precaution against artillery had been +omitted, and in a moment we were advancing up the hill in open order. + +Scarcely had we started when our officer, the pride of the platoon, +threw up his hands and fell. A moment later, chancing on a piece of +tempting grass, I decided to lie down, and with a choking gurgle +collapsed. As I lay on my back in an appropriate attitude (copied from +the cinema) I wondered when the stretcher-party would appear, for the +grass was damp and the April wind was chilly; but it was not long +before a bright boy, rather over than under military age, ran up and, +after a brief glance at me, began to signal with great vigour. He +meant well, and out of consideration for his feelings I restrained a +desire to tell him that he was creating a beastly draught. However, I +asked him if he had any brandy, and, on receiving an answer in the +negative, groaned deeply. + +"Are you very bad?" he asked. + +"No," I replied; "but if I lie here much longer I'll catch cold. Tell +your people to hurry up." + +When the stretcher-party arrived they decided that I had been shot in +the chest, and, to get at the wound, began to remove my garments, till +arrested by some virile language thrown off from the part affected. +Then they began to carry me towards the gate of the park, despite the +fact that the stretcher had been meant to hold someone about six +inches shorter than I. Almost immediately the rear man, tripping on a +root, fell on top of me, and the front man, being brought to a sudden +stop, sat on my feet. When we had sorted ourselves out, and I had +stopped talking, more from lack of breath than of matter, we resumed +our journey. + +After a matter of some three hundred yards the bearers began to feel +tired, and, suddenly rolling me off the stretcher, they informed me +that I was discharged as cured. Thus rapidly does a soldier of the +Volunteers recover. It speaks volumes not only for their high state of +physical condition but for the resilience of their _moral_. + + * * * * * + +Intelligent Anticipation. + + "Bucharest, 8.--The 'Universul' has opened a list of + subscriptions in favour of the widows and victims of the + coming Austro-Roumanian war."--_Balkan News._ + + * * * * * + + "'WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD' AT THE ---- PICTURE + THEATRE."--_Hastings Observer._ + +The management doesn't mind so long as the fools rush in. + + * * * * * + + "The Smyth-Pigotts are the owners of Brockley Court and + Brockley Hall, near Congresbury, a pretty village which--like + Majoribanks--is pronounced Coomesbury."--_Daily Sketch._ + +Just as, according to the old story, Cholmondeley is pronounced +Marjoribanks. + + * * * * * + + "Monster Carnival! In aid of Returned Soldiers' Association. + Novel Attractions!!! Realistic Egyptian Pillage, just as our + soldiers saw it. Egyptian goods can be purchased + here."--_Adelaide Register._ + +We hope this does not mean that our gallant Anzacs have been spoiling +the Egyptians. + + * * * * * + + "A LADY would like to let her beautifully furnished HOUSE or + part, or three or four paying guests; from L2 10s. each." + _Bournemouth Daily Echo._ + +We have heard of paying guests whom their hosts would have been glad +to part with at an even lower figure. + + * * * * * + + "Notice.--Found, a Broadwood Piano. Apply, Barrack Warden, + No. 1, Barrack Store, ---- Barracks."--_Aldershot Command + Orders._ + +We think some recent criticism of Army administration is undeserved. +Care is evidently taken in regard to even little things carelessly +left about by the soldier. + + * * * * * + + "When the election does come there will be no need to ask + these useless M.P.'s to resign. They can be kicked out, and + there are plenty of workmen in the country who are ready to + lend a hand at the kicking. The genuine Labour M.P. is known + now, so also is the impostor, who, like the party hack, hails + from nowhere." + _Letter in "The Times."_ + +We suppose the manual kick, as described above, is the non-party hack. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERBIA COMES AGAIN. + +THE BULGAR. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +XXXVIII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--One of these days I will tell you the more intimate +history of the Corps to which I have the honour to belong, and this +will give you some cause for mirth. Its members are of all sorts, ages +and origins, and they have had between them some odd experiences since +that first day when, parading hastily in Kensington Gardens, they +wished they hadn't been quite so glib, in their anxiety to get to war, +about professing full knowledge of the ways and wiles of the motor +bicycle. One at least of them paid the price of inexactitude then and +there; he still shudders to think how, put to the test, he +unintentionally left the Park for a no less fashionable but much more +crowded thoroughfare, to arrive eventually, in the prone position, in +a byway of Piccadilly, where small fragments of the machine may still +be collected by industrious seekers of curios. + +Another, whom the low cunning of the Criminal Bar enabled to avoid the +immediate test, paid the full price, with compound interest, later on. +Casual observers of the retreat, had there been any, would have become +familiar with the sight of him bringing up the rear--a very poor last. +To see him arrive, perspiring, over the brow of a hill, with his +faithful motor at his side, was to know that the Huns were at the +bottom of it. On one occasion they even beat him in the day's march, +but were too kind or too blind to seize their advantage. As usual he +was taking his obsession along with him, though, if he had but known, +he might have got it to do the work by the simple formality of turning +the petrol tap from OFF to ON. His was ever a curious life, from the +first moment of his joining the Army in tails, a bowler hat, and a +large sword wrapped in a homely newspaper. But the inward fun of it +all is not for the present, Charles; our clear old friends, the +Exigencies, forbidding. + +I am reminded of it all by having just crossed with one of the +later-joined members. He came fresh from the line to a Head-quarters, +and he was walking about in a lane, working off some of his awe of his +new surroundings, when he was overtaken by a car containing a General, +who stopped and asked him what he was. So imposing was the account he +gave of himself that it was said to him, "No doubt, then, you'll know +the way to ----," a village at the back of beyond, where a division +was lying at rest. In the Army, at any rate at a Head-quarters, we all +know everything. So he said, "No doubt, Sir," hoping, if the worst +came to the worst, to give some vague directions and not to be present +when they were found wanting. But it was his bad luck to have struck +one of the more affable Generals. Could he spare the time to come +along and direct the driver? + +So on to the box he got (it was a closed car) and, with the General's +eye always upon his back, he did his best as guide, a task for which +his previous career of stockbroker had ill qualified him. The first +thing to happen was that the car, proceeding down a narrow lane, got +well into the middle of a battalion on the march, which, when the car +was firmly jammed amongst the transport, ceased to be on the march, +and took a generous ten minutes' halt.... The second thing to happen +was a level crossing; which, as they approached it, changed its mind +about being a road and became a railway. A nice long train duly +arrived, and (this needs no exaggeration) stayed there, with a few +restless movements, for twenty minutes by the clock.... The third +thing to happen was that he lost himself (and the General); the fourth +was the falling of dusk, and the fifth a ploughed field, with which my +friend, alighting, had to confess that he was not so intimately +acquainted as he could have wished. + +[Illustration: THE TRENCH TOUCH. + +_Warrior in bunker (to caddie, who is seeing if the course is clear)._ +"KEEP DOWN, YOU FOOL!"] + +Had there been a scene, he could, he says, have endured the worst +bravely, standing to attention and taking it as it came. Not so, +however; his was the wrong sort of General for the purpose. As does +the partner at the dance, over whose priceless gown you have upset the +indelible ice, he said it didn't matter. He said he'd give the +division a miss, and return whence they had come. This they began to +do, when they had got the car out of the ploughed field, and this they +went on doing until the sixth thing happened, which was a burst tyre. + +Again, had there been a scene, my man could have explained that this +wasn't his fault; but no one _said_ it was his fault. Equally it was +never openly alleged that he was to blame for the driver's not being +prepared with a spare wheel ready for use. But his embarrassment was +such that my man was grateful to heaven for reminding him at this +juncture of the existence of R.F.C. Head-quarters, about a kilometre +away. He said he'd run and borrow a wheel off them, and before the +General could say him nay he'd started.... He ran all the way, and +burst, panting, into the officers' mess, where he had the misfortune +to strike another itinerant General. + +It never rains but it pours, and the area seemed to be infested with +Generals of quite the wrong sort. He couldn't have hit upon a more +kind and genial and inappropriate one than this. No, he wouldn't allow +a word of apology or explanation from this exhausted lieutenant until +the latter had rested and refreshed himself with a cup of tea. No, not +out of that pot; it had been standing too long. Tea which had stood +should not be drunk, for reasons detailed at length. No doubt the +Colonel, whose guest he was, would order some more to be made. It +would take two minutes--it did take twenty. No, no; there was nothing +to say and nothing need be said. It was this General's particular wish +that he should be at peace and make himself at home. Let him make his +explanations and apologies later. + +Whatever you would have done, my overwhelmed friend temporized. He was +just edging the conversation round to the other General, waiting +alone in the dark wet road, when the General in the nice warm room +rose to go, commanding my friend not to disturb himself on that +account. Being a man of some years he was a slow goer; being a +General, he was not to be interrupted in his going.... + +I don't know exactly how it all ended, nor, you may not be surprised +to learn, does my friend, though he is always expecting to hear. + +There was also on our boat a subaltern, coming to France for the first +time. He wanted me to tell him all about it. How well I know these +subalterns who want to know all about it. I was one myself once. Does +he ask you what it's like in the mud? Does he listen if you give him +details of bloodshed? Does he inquire about the food, the washing +facilities, parapet or parados; what a time-fuse does when its time +has expired, or even as to the use and abuse of the entrenching tool? +No, he's for war only, and there's only one question in war: Do you or +do you not need a Sam Browne belt in the trenches? + +It is an old question; there is no solution. I told him that some say +one thing and some say another, and, as both are authorities with whom +you are not in a position to argue, the only way to get out of the +difficulty is to keep out of the trenches. + + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR AMAZON CORPS "STANDING EASY."] + + * * * * * + +From a hotel advertisement:-- + + "EXCELLENT CUISINE. SEPARATE STABLES." + _West-Country Paper._ + +The WISE KING must have had a presentiment of this arrangement when he +wrote: "Better a dinner of herbs, where love is, than a stalled ox and +hatred therewith." + + * * * * * + + "The Premier (Sir Alexander Peacock) said that many years + ago, when the world rang with the atrocities of Turks, Rev. + Dr. Parker startled the whole world when, in a fiery address + on those awful atrocities which were visited on the + Christians, he cried, 'Dod damn the Sultan.' Now, when they + heard of the cruelties and indescribable sufferings which had + been visited upon the innocent people in order to satisfy the + ideas of one man they could say, 'Kod damn the Kaiser.' + (Great cheers)."--_Sydney Daily Telegraph._ + +Strong language for a Premier! But the printer has done his best to +tone it down. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +VIII.--ORCHARD STREET. + + The fruit hangs ripe, the fruit hangs sweet, + High and low in my Orchard Street, + Apples and pears, cherries and plums, + Something for everyone who comes. + If you're a Pedlar + I'll give you a medlar; + If you're a Prince + I'll give you a quince; + If you're a Queen, + A nectarine; + If you're the King + Take anything, + Apricots, mulberries, melons or red and white + Currants like rubies and pearls on a string! + Little girls each + Shall have a peach, + Boys shall have grapes that hang just out of reach-- + Nothing's to pay, whatever you eat + Of the fruit that grows in my Orchard Street. + + * * * * * + + "USEFL. hlp. ckng. no wshg. fam. 2." + _Morning Paper._ + +Th. is rl. wd. plp. ecnmy. + + * * * * * + +A NIGHT OUT WITH A ZEPPELIN. + +BY KARL VON WEEKEND + +(HYPHENATED NEUTRAL). + +(_Concluded._) + +Beneath us--beneath, in a manner of speaking, the iron heel of the +all-conquering Fatherland--lay perfidious England. I, as a mere +layman, had, of course, not the vaguest idea as to precisely what +vital portion of the doomed island was immediately below us. Not so my +host, the Captain Sigismund von Muenchhausen, who suddenly snapped +together the stethoscope through which he had been gazing and rapped +out a monosyllabic order down the speaking tube at his right hand. + +"We are now," he said, turning courteously to me, "diametrically above +the entrenched camp of Little Tillingham-under-Hill." A fearful crash +sounded from the depths below and a voice muttered something through +the speaking tube. "A hit!" cried the Captain without emotion. +"Ober-Leutnant von Dachswurst reports that the Arsenal, three +munitions factories and two infant schools are in flames. Ah! Now we +have reached Birmingham!" Another crash rent the abysm. "Now Glasgow!" +A third terrific explosion was audible. + +"But," I cried, "we can't have got from Birmingham to Glasgow in +thirty-five seconds." For a moment the Captain's eyes flashed angrily. +He clenched his feet, and, remembering the horrible fate of the +seasick sailor, I crouched against the bulwark. With an effort, +however, the man mastered himself. I was relieved to see an enigmatic +smile overspread his countenance. + +"It is plain," he said, in the voice of one patiently rebuking a +child, "that you do not know what a German airship can do. Ah! ha! +There goes Bristol!" he added, as further detonations smote upon our +ears. + +And so the hideous carnage proceeded. Grasmere, Aberystwith, +Stratford-on-Avon, Freshwater Bay and the Lizard--with dreadful +precision these teeming hives of English industry were laid waste, +incinerated, scattered to the winds in fine impalpable dust. I thought +sadly of the brave men in khaki that were being cut off by the +thousand in their prime (for the gallant Captain had taken the utmost +precaution not to drop any of his bombs in the neighbourhood of +non-combatants). But, after all, I mused, they will soon be replaced +by intelligent Germans, a blessing that civilization will not be slow +to appreciate. + +At this moment the Captain approached me with an object in his hand. +"You neutrals," he said, "have been deceived before now by the +ridiculous reports disseminated by our enemies as to the results of +these raids. But here is the proof." He then explained to me that to +every Zeppelin was attached a large sinker or plummet, which was +covered with grease and lowered from a drum to a few yards above the +spot where the bomb was destined to fall. To this plummet adhered +fragments of various objects, animate or other, which the explosion of +the missile hurled into the air. Such a fragment the Captain was now +extending for my observation. I admitted that to my uninitiated eye it +closely resembled a portion of the outer surface of a cow or some +kindred animal. "You are indeed ignorant," said my host, smiling in +the same enigmatic way. "The object is undoubtedly a fragment of the +propeller shaft of a large vessel, which satisfies me that at Swanage, +where our last bomb was dropped, a portion of the High Seas Fleet was +anchored. And as a matter of fact," he added, producing a small dark +object from his pocket, "here is a part of Sir JOHN JELLICOE'S +necktie. Notice how precisely it tallies with the descriptions +furnished by our secret agents, one of whom is actually engaged about +the Admiral's person disguised as a pastry-cook." + +Here, then, was the proof. One could not doubt the evidence of one's +senses. But mine had been subjected to an unusual test that night, and +when the Captain, well satisfied with his night's work, courteously +invited me to have another glass of schnapps with him I accepted with +alacrity. The glass was hardly at my lips when an orderly announced +that we were at anchor in the shed. Thanking the brave Captain for the +most wonderful experience of a not uninteresting lifetime, I hurried +away to my hotel and fell into a deep slumber. When I awoke late that +afternoon my manservant placed in my hand the last edition of the +London _Times_. It stated that there had been a Zeppelin raid, and +that 19 civilians, three cows, four churches, two rows of cottages, +one omnibus, and no soldiers had been destroyed. + +I smiled--enigmatically. + + * * * * * + + "Socialist Working Man, aged 25, would welcome companionship + of Socialist exempted conscientious objector, chiefly for + week-end cycling; or athletic lady holding similar views + would suit, residing North Kent area." + _Socialist Paper._ + +It would be much better for him to meet an athletic lady not holding +similar views. + + * * * * * + +THE OCC. POET'S APOLOGIA. + + Where the moon's unmitigated crescent, + Sailing through the amethystine deeps, + With a smile sardonic and senescent + Down upon our Armageddon peeps; + Thither, drawn by sympathy ecstatic, + Like a shooting star my spirit flies + From the company of gross, lymphatic + Souls entangled by terrestrial ties. + + Where the sombre azimuths are booming, + Flecked with argent elemental foam, + And the stately colocynths are blooming + In a salicylic monochrome; + There, transported on pellucid pinions, + Sick of common sense I seek repose, + Far from the disconsolate dominions + Tainted by the tyranny of prose. + + O'er the whole translunar gamut ranging. + There my astral body slides and skims, + Choriambic melodies exchanging + With the apolaustic cherubims; + Weaving in a polyphonic pattern + Harmonies that mock at clefs and bars; + Toying with the shining rings of Saturn, + Throwing star-dust in the eyes of Mars. + + There, suspended in a sumptuous limbo, + Like a happier version of the boy + Drawn by Mr. BLACKWOOD in his _Jimbo_, + I shall taste of bliss without alloy; + Other minstrels may indulge in fighting, + I myself cannot so far forget + As to shun the raptures of inditing + Occ. verse for the _Bestspinster Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +For our "Glimpses of the Obvious": + + "An interesting feature in the prone trees was that they all + fell in one direction, showing the direction from which the + blast came." + _Morning Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "So soft and loose was the earth that the trench walls had to + be rivetted." + _Daily Sketch._ + +A very curious treatment. Personally we always use a safety-pin. + + * * * * * + + "Inquiries are being received at Lloyds for insurance to pay + total loss in case of peace being declared during the present + war." + _Montreal Gazette._ + +We ourselves should take our chance of this contingency. + + * * * * * + + "The total import value of matches is less than L1,000,000 + per annum, and if L2,000,000 is to be collected, it will make + matches 6d. or even more per dozen."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +Mr. MCKENNA surely cannot have realized this. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE SENTIMENTAL DRAMA. + +[Illustration: REGINALD CARSTAIRS, READING DURING THE VACATION AT +A REMOTE COUNTRY VILLAGE, FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE LANDLADY'S FAIR +DAUGHTER, ROSIE. IN THE OLD ORCHARD SHE WOULD SING TO HIM "PANSY +FACES."] + +[Illustration: REGINALD'S HAUGHTY FATHER WILL NOT HEAR OF HIS UNION +WITH THE RUSTIC GIRL, AND MARRIES HIM TO A WEALTHY HEIRESS. HE +CONTINUALLY ANNOYS HER BY PICKING OUT ON THE PIANO THE MUSIC OF +AN OLD SONG. AND SO THEY REACH A LOVELESS MIDDLE-AGE.] + +[Illustration: IN THE MEANTIME ROSIE HAS HAD HER VOICE CULTIVATED, +AND, UNDER THE NAME OF "LA BELLE ROSSIGNOLETTE," HAS TAKEN THE +CONTINENT BY STORM. IN THE MIDST OF HER GREATEST TRIUMPHS, HOWEVER, +SHE IS OFTEN _DISTRAITE_.] + +[Illustration: COMING AT LENGTH TO LONDON, SHE APPEARS IN GRAND OPERA. +FOR HER FIRST NIGHT CARSTAIRS, LITTLE KNOWING HER TRUE IDENTITY, HAS +TAKEN THE STAGE-BOX. SHE RECOGNISES HIM, AND, INSTEAD OF SINGING HER +OPENING SONG, ELECTRIFIES THE HOUSE BY GIVING "PANSY FACES."] + +[Illustration: IN THE SENSATION THAT ENSUES THE THEATRE CATCHES FIRE. +ROSIE RESCUES REGINALD, BUT HIS WIFE PERISHES IN THE FLAMES.] + +[Illustration: IN THE EVENING OF LIFE: "PANSY FACES."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ABOVE SQUAD, CONTAINING AN EX-CONTORTIONIST, HAS +JUST RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTION:--"AT THE COMMAND 'BACKWARD +BEND,' PLACE THE HANDS ON THE HIPS AND BEND BACK AS FAR AS POSSIBLE."] + + * * * * * + +MORE EYE-WASH. + + Whene'er I see some high brass-hatted man + Inspect the Depot with his ribboned train, + When all seems spick and absolutely span + And no man spits and nothing gives him pain, + I think what blissful ignorance is theirs + Who only see us on inspection days, + And wonder, could they catch us unawares, + Would they be still so eloquent of praise? + + They think the soldiers are a cleanly type, + For all their brass is bright with elbow-fat, + Burnished their bayonets and oiled their hyp; + Do they suppose they always look like that? + They see the quarters beautiful and gay, + Yet never realise, with all their lore, + Those bright new beds were issued yesterday + And will to-morrow be returned to store. + + They doubtless say, "Was ever drill so deft? + Were ever rifles so precisely sloped? + Observe that section change direction left + So much, much better than the best we hoped;" + But little know with what grim enterprise + For week on week that clever-looking crew + Have practised up for their especial eyes + The sole manoeuvre they can safely do. + + And I could tell where many a canker gnaws + Within the walls they fancy free from sin; + I know how officers infringe their laws, + I know the corners where the men climb in; + I know who broke the woodland fence to bits + And what platoon attacked the Shirley cow, + While the dull Staff, for all their frantic chits, + Know not the truth of that distressing row. + + These are the things I think they should be taught, + But, since I know what ages must elapse, + What forms be filled, what signatures be sought, + Ere I have speech with such exalted chaps, + I here announce that they are much misled, + That they should see us when we think them far, + Should steal upon us, all unheralded, + And find what frauds, what awful frauds we are. + + * * * * * + + "I was astonished that not a Londoner raised a cheer for the + fine Bankers' Battalion of the Fusiliers which marched + through the City to-day. We are really absurdly shy." + _"Quex Junior" in "Evening News," April 15._ + + "The older comrades, who are keeping banks going in the + absence of the younger patriots, turned out to cheer their + comrades." + _"Evening News," same date._ + +The older bankers, we must presume, are all from the provinces, and +not so shy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHAMPION OF THE SMALLER NATIONS. + +IMPERIAL PACHYDERM. "OUR HEART GOES OUT TO THESE POOR LITTLE +UNPROTECTED EGGS. THEY WANT MOTHERING. WE WILL SIT ON THEM." +[_Does so._] + +[With Mr. Punch's apologies to a noble animal.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _COLONEL CHURCHILL (arriving post-haste at the House +of Commons from the Front, on April 18_), "COME I TOO LATE FOR THE +PREMIER'S STATEMENT?" + +_Constable._ "ON THE CONTRARY, SIR, YOU'RE A DAY TOO EARLY." + +[The Constable was in error. He should have said a week.]] + +_Monday, April 17th._--The hon. Member who described the present +Parliamentary situation as "a cabal every afternoon and a crisis every +second day" is justified of his epigram. The lobbies this afternoon +were full of agitated whisperers, with much talk of a divided Cabinet +and this and that Minister on the brink of resignation, because they +cannot agree upon the number of men they want for the Army or the best +method of obtaining them. All of which must be very comforting to our +enemies. + +Some anxiety is felt on the Treasury Bench owing to the marked +shortage of Members from Ireland. Hitherto, whenever the Government +has seemed to be in danger, Mr. REDMOND'S followers have trooped over +from Dublin to the rescue. But to-day most of them are absent. Some +attribute their defection to chagrin at their shortsightedness in +resisting the appointment of Mr. CAMPBELL as Lord Chancellor of +Ireland. As Attorney-General they fear he will exert a much more +potent influence in Irish affairs. + +Faithful among the faithless, Mr. GINNELL was in his place. He is not +interested in the troubles of the British Government. His present +obsession is the alleged over-taxation of his own beloved country. In +order that he might have due verge and scope to expatiate upon that +grievance be pressed the PRIME MINISTER to arrange an early sitting on +Wednesday and also to suspend the eleven o'clock rule. At this naive +suggestion the House relieved its tension with a hearty laugh. + +How much truth there may be in the stories of Ministerial dissension +I do not know; but there is undoubtedly a CAVE on the Treasury Bench. +In the absence of the CHANCELLOR he took charge of the Report Stage of +the Finance Bill, and very well he acquitted himself. Incidentally the +SOLICITOR-GENERAL had the honour of bringing about a notable +reconciliation. Among the few occupants of the Nationalist benches +were Mr. DILLON and Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, who for some years past have +rarely met without a collision. Accordingly when Mr. DILLON had +resisted a proposal to fine any visitor to an entertainment who did +not pay the Amusements-tax, it was confidently expected that Mr. HEALY +would find excellent reasons for asserting that this was the best +clause in the whole Bill, and that only a melancholy humbug would +oppose it. Instead he vigorously supported his former foe with an +argument that I am sure Mr. DILLON would never have thought of. "Was +it not a weird proposal," he asked, "that a child who had unwittingly +walked; through a turnstile should forthwith become a convict and lose +its Old-Age Pension?" + +_Tuesday, April 18th._--When one has at last screwed up one's courage +to have a tooth out, there is nothing more unnerving than to be told +by the dentist that he cannot operate to-day and that one must come +again to-morrow. The House of Commons felt like that this afternoon. +Members had flocked from all parts of the kingdom--Nationalist Ireland +excepted--to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S promised statement. Col. +CHURCHILL, Lord HUGH CECIL (with a patch on his lofty brow denoting a +recent casualty), and other warrior-statesmen had reluctantly torn +themselves from the attractions of the trenches to do their duty at +Westminster. The Ladies' Gallery was filled to overflowing. + +Then the ominous word went round, "No statement to-day." Sure enough, +when the PRIME MINISTER rose and hushed the buzz of conversation that +had rendered Questions inaudible, it was merely to observe that there +were still some points outstanding, that no statement would be +adequate without their adjustment, and that he would therefore +postpone his motion for the Easter adjournment until to-morrow. Sir +EDWARD CARSON'S motion demanding compulsory service for all men of +military age would, if necessary, be discussed on Thursday. + +Members hastened out into the Lobby to chatter about the new phase of +the crisis and to speculate as to what were the points outstanding, +and whether the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS was or was not the prickliest of +them. To the noise and flurry created by their exit Mr. MCKENNA owes +it that his Finance Bill will appear in the Journals of the House as +having been passed without a dissenting voice. Mr. WHITLEY, who was in +the Chair, has not the commanding tones of Mr. LOWTHER, and when he +put the question, "That this Bill be now read a Third time," nobody +rose to speak. Accordingly he declared that the "Ays" had it; and +though several Members then protested that they had not heard the +question put, and urged that it should be put again, he politely but +firmly declined to oblige them. + +In an incautious moment yesterday Mr. TENNANT advised Mr. SNOWDEN to +use his imagination. I should have thought the advice was superfluous, +for, to judge by some of the stories that the Member for Blackburn is +in the habit of retailing to the House regarding the persecution of +conscientious objectors by callous N.C.O.'s, his imagination is +working overtime. On the motion for the adjournment Mr. TENNANT had to +listen to several more of them. He was rewarded for his patience by +obtaining an unexpected testimonial from Mr. KING, who in his most +patronising tones declared that he was sorry for the UNDER SECRETARY, +who was really "a great deal better than the average man in the +street." + +In readiness for the PRIME MINISTER'S anticipated statement, Lord +MILNER had put down a motion in the House of Lords in favour of +compulsory service for all men of military age; and, despite the +changed circumstances, he persisted in moving it, and made an +admirable speech in its support. Lord CREWE, indeed, found it +unanswerable for the time being, as Downing Street was "still +thinking." He could not say when its thoughts would be resolved into +decision, but hoped it might be to-morrow--or, if not to-morrow, +Thursday--or, if not Thursday, then perhaps Monday. Lord CREWE has not +sat at Mr. ASQUITH'S feet all these years without catching something +of his methods. + +_Wednesday, April 19th._--The House was even more crowded and anxious +than yesterday. In the Peers' Gallery a dim figure, carrying a bunch +of primroses and looking astonishingly like Mr. DENNIS EADIE, was +heard to murmur, "I wonder whether England loves Coalitions any more +than she did in my time." The present PRIME MINISTER appears to think +that she does, for, after remarking that continued disagreement on +material points threatened a breakup of the Government, he ventured to +describe that contingency as a national disaster. The Liberals thought +so too, and cheered loudly; the Unionists were not quite so sure, and +Sir EDWARD CARSON, beside whom sat Col. CHURCHILL, looking as if he +had never heard of Ulster, indicated that, while he would be the last +man to refuse the Government time for repentance and reformation, he +would in the meantime keep his Resolution on the Paper for use if +necessary when the House met again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Stoker (weary)._ "I'D LIKE TO FIND THE MERCHANT +'OO INVENTED BOILERS!" + +_Second Stoker (also weary)._ "BOILERS BE BLOWED! I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE +BLIGHTER 'OO FOUND OUT THAT COAL WOULD BURN."] + + * * * * * + + "WANTED. Reliable Woman to Wash Mondays, 2s. 6d. + daily."--_Llanelly Star._ + +Some Mondays are so black. + + * * * * * + + "War Work for capable open-air Woman of leisure. Wanted to + help sister of man called up to run sole grocery shop in + lovely country."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +Why wasn't he called up to fight? + + * * * * * + +_The Observer_ rebuked _The Daily News_ for unkindness in remarking +that at a certain point in the recent "Poets' Reading," Mr. BIRRELL, +"who had been sitting with his head in his hands, looked up +delighted." But was it quite nice of _The Observer_ itself to say in +its account of the same function that "the Prime Minister looked in +when the readings were in progress, and remained for some time talking +with many friends"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Peppery Senior (through din of Bosches' "morning +hate")._ "LATE FOR BREAKFAST AGAIN." + +_Very Junior Officer (apologetically)._ "SORRY, SIR. DIDN'T HEAR +THE GONG."] + + * * * * * + +THE PHILATELIST. + +This was the day appointed, after considerable discussion, for our +visit to London, and at an early hour Frederick and I were ready for +the journey. Frederick, who is tending slowly, as it seems to me, +towards an as yet sufficiently remote ninth birthday, had been +vigorously and successfully scrubbed till he shone with an unwonted +absence of grime; his hair had been temporarily battened down; his +Eton collar was speckless, and his knickerbocker suit, while not +aggressively new, was appropriate and free from visible rents. I +cannot say he was impressed with the solemnity of the occasion, but he +was eager and fully determined to purchase as many stamps as could be +secured for the generous prize of money bestowed upon him by a lady +who had observed his progress in the study of Nature--beetles, moths, +tadpoles and the like--and had noted his ever-growing passion for +postage-stamps. + +London he looked upon as one gigantic repository of stamps. I spoke to +him of Trafalgar Square and the Nelson Column and the Landseer Lions. +He replied by informing me that there was a certain issue of Mauritius +which was valued at L1,200. "If," he said, "I could get that some day +I shouldn't want to collect any more." + +"It seems," I said, "a lot of money to pay for a small piece of +paper." + +"Yes," he agreed, "it is; but perhaps I could get it cheap in some old +shop which didn't know much about it." + +I then tried to divert his attention to the prospect of having +luncheon with me at the Rhadamanthus Club, but he begged me not to +interrupt him, as he was endeavouring to calculate how many years it +would take him to get together the sum if he could manage to save +two-pence a week out of his pocket-money. After a short mental +struggle, however, he gave it up and banished the blue Mauritius, or +whatever it is, from his ambitions and his conversation. + +Before we started Francesca addressed a few earnest words to me about +the proper care of a boy in London. + +"Be sure," she said, "to see that he keeps his hands clean. I should +hate to think that he was wandering about Piccadilly and Pall Mall +with dirty hands." + +"He'll have to wander," I said, "with such hands as Nature provides +for him. No little boy can ever keep his hands clean anywhere for more +than half a minute at a stretch." + +"But you might give him an occasional wash, you know." + +"I will do everything," I said, "that may become a father, short of +carrying about a wash-hand basin and a jug of water and a piece of +soap and a towel through Piccadilly and Pall Mall." + +"And his hair," she said,--"you'll not let it got too untidy, will +you?" + +"I'll brush it when I can," I said; "but you must remember that a +little boy without a Catherine-wheel of hair on the back of his head +is only fit for a museum. I must insist on his keeping his +Catherine-wheel substantially intact." + +Well, at last we got off in the train on our adventure, I with a +morning paper, and Frederick deep in a stamp-catalogue, from which he +occasionally brought forth things old and new. In due time we reached +our destination and stood triumphant in the stamp-shop. It was not a +large shop, but it was a rich shop, owning countless valuable +varieties, and Frederick, whose hands were now of the subfuse hue +which Cambridge insists on for the garments of her candidates, was +soon engaged in an animated discussion with the affable and amused +proprietor. At last the five shillings were exhausted and the deal was +complete, the last item consisting of a perfectly terrific set of +Gaboon stamps, each decorated with the fuzzy head of a spear-bearing +native warrior. It speaks volumes for the power and courage of our +French allies that they should have been able to overcome these savage +and formidable tribesmen, and reduce them to the order that is implied +by the existence of a post-office and the possession of stamps. + +We now found that we had about forty minutes to spare. It is hardly +necessary to say that, being in the immediate neighbourhood of the +Strand, we devoted the time to a Cinema. The change from the Gaboon +and its truculent inhabitants to a highly sentimentalised +fishing-village was something of a wrench, but Frederick, clutching +his purchases and his catalogue as if his life depended on stamps, was +equal to it. He bore without flinching the storms and the wrecks, and +the bodies of drowned men tossed upon the shore. Nor did he audibly +disapprove when one fisherman, rescued from death, lost his memory for +many years, and eventually regained it in extreme old age amid the +rejoicings of his relatives and neighbours. + +Thence we passed by a happy change to the detached and melancholy +malice of Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, of whom I can now say, _Vidi tantum_. +Mr. CHAPLIN'S victim on this occasion was a well-dressed foreign +gentleman of perfect manners but fiery temper, who was compelled to +suffer a series of dreadful indignities. We left him struggling +silently but furiously against an adhesive lobster salad which Mr. +CHAPLIN had, in an absent-minded moment, plastered over his face. + +We now went on to the Rhadamanthus. Here the rite of washing and +brushing was duly performed, Frederick remarking with obvious regret +that if it had only been on the Cinema he would have had to throw the +soap at me and splash the water in my face. "But," he added, "I shall +be able to do it to Alice when I get home." He was not at all +overwhelmed by the marble and gilded splendours of our palace, but sat +himself down to luncheon as if he had an immemorial right to be there. +General Wilbraham (in khaki), Mr. Justice Black, and Mr. Trevor, the +eminent publisher, kind old gentlemen, my friends and contemporaries, +came up to us and were introduced to the little boy and smiled at him +and patted his head, where the indomitable Catherine-wheel still +whirled in triumph, and all declared that it was hardly tolerable in +another to be so young, and asked him what it felt like, and said that +growing up was the great mistake. + +And then a strange thing happened. The luncheon-room suddenly became a +hall filled with boys. The General and the Judge and the Publisher +dwindled and changed. The long-lost hair came back to their heads in +great untidy tufts; they put on Eton jackets and collars and grubby +hands. In fact, they were little boys again; and Master Wilbraham said +he was keeping _Cave_, and Master Black said something was a regular +chouse, and Master Trevor declared violently that somebody was a sneak +and that somebody else must have tweaks for new clothes. It lasted for +a moment, and then, as with a puff of air, it all changed back, and we +were again in the luncheon-room of the club, four time-worn veterans +and one eager little boy tightly grasping a catalogue of stamps. + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Subaltern (proudly, as devastating motor-cyclist +dashes by)._ "ONE OF 'OURS.'"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE SHOW SHOP." + +The drama is almost the only religion I know that can expose the +mysteries of its ritual to the vulgar gaze and yet retain the devotion +of its worshippers. There is nothing a British audience so loves as to +be taken behind the scenes and shown how it is done--or not done; and +then it will attend the next play and go on adoring with the blindest +infatuation. Were it not for this astounding gift of resilience one +might deplore the prurient curiosity that wants to peep into the +hollow image of Isis and get at the machinery of the priesthood. + +More human and wholesome is the satisfaction derived from the +revelation of amateur foibles, for here we are laughing at ourselves, +as in _A Pantomime Rehearsal_. In _The Show Shop_ this element was +supplied by a young plutocrat who took a small part with a travelling +company in order to be near his _fiancee_, the leading lady; and +continued in it as _jeune premier_ because she refused to be made love +to on the stage by anybody else. In assuming a _role_ for which he was +incredibly ill-qualified he seemed likely to facilitate the +achievement of his purpose, namely to make the play a hopeless failure +and so secure the deliverance of his lady from the thraldom of her +mother's ambitions and set her free to marry him. + +However, the failure failed to come off, and although he forgot to +remove his overcoat (containing the stolen bonds) at a critical +juncture on which the Great Situation turned--the error was so deadly +that the mother, who had stage-managed the thing and was witnessing +the first performance from a box, actually rose in her seat to correct +it--the play was a roaring success; and there was nothing for it but a +secret marriage, marred by the prospect of a two years' run "on +Broadway." + +Mr. A. E. MATTHEWS, as the amateur, made extraordinarily good fun for +us; and there was something fresh in the idea of following up the +dress rehearsal with a first night. It not only gave the amateur his +chance of making the big mistake against which he had been thoroughly +warned, but our own applause allowed the company to put into practice +the lessons they had learned in those sacred conventions which +regulate the taking of a call. + +There are those who say that Transatlantic humour should be +interpreted exclusively by a native cast, and that an Anglo-American +alliance is a mistake. I trust President WILSON'S recent policy will +not be affected by this view. Certainly, though the combination was +responsible for the noisiest fun of the farce, the purely American +performance of Miss MARGARET MOFFATT at the opening of the First Act +was as good as anything in the play. But happily this is not one of +those imported creations that overwhelm my uninstructed intelligence +with exotic colour and exotic slang. + +Mr. EDMUND GWENN, as _Max Rosenbaum_, impresario, was in irresistible +form. Miss MARIE LOeHR, in the part of the leading lady, was at her +lightest and therefore her best; but Lady TREE (her designing mother), +though she played very hard and incisively, could scarcely have +satisfied her own very nice sense of humour with what was to be got +out of a character that resembled nothing on earth (or the Eastern +hemisphere anyhow). + +In the midst of all the mirth there was a pathetic passage between a +couple of impecunious players, _Johnny Brinkley_ (played by Mr. GEORGE +ELTON, who had many good things to say and said them well) and +_Effie_, his wife, on the theme of the precariousness of their career. +It must have melted the cynical heart of many a critic in the +audience, and I for one was almost persuaded to confine myself for the +future to encomium in these columns. + +However, there is no flattery in the compliments I beg to offer to Mr. +JAMES FORBES for a very diverting evening. Perhaps the last Act +dragged a little, but in any case after the orgy he had given us we +were ripe for reaction. With most imported plays one is apt to doubt +whether the humour is novel in its essence or merely a matter of +unfamiliar form, common enough in its place of origin. But the humour +of Mr. FORBES, or at least the best of it, is something more than +American. + O. S. + + * * * * * + + "She heard him blowing his nose on the hall mat, and + she understood the major sufficiently to know that this + portended something."--_Home Chat._ + +We have always regarded this behaviour as ominous, even in the case +of civilians. + + * * * * * + + "Once you have a wife and are tied down to the world, she + creates the necessity of a house and saves you from being a + wanderer on the face of the earth. No wife, no house. Hence, + say our Shastras, it is not the building called the house + that is the wife, it is the wife who is the house. And even + now, both among the high and the low, it is usual for a Hindu + to speak of his wife as his house." + N. G. CHANDAVARKARIN "_The Times of India._" + +We foresee domestic trouble when the Flat system reaches India. + + * * * * * + +AN ECCENTRIC. + +Having alighted on strange ground at Chiswick Park Station, I was +lost. My destination was HOGARTH'S House--one of the few homes of the +illustrious which are preserved for pious pilgrims, but whether to go +this way or that I had no notion, nor was there anyone to ask. I +therefore turned to the left and, just after being half-blinded by a +dusty whirlwind, stopped an errand-boy and was told by him I had done +right, and had but to keep on. + +I therefore continued, but with so little confidence that a hundred +yards further on I stopped another wayfarer, who, however, had no +knowledge of any Hogarth but a local laundry of that name, and could +not say where it was. + +It was then that I fell into the arms of as admirable although +peculiar a man as I ever hope to meet, and communicative too. He was +one of those elderly men who keep their youth, largely by virtue of +cheerful spirits. He was short and active and he wore a cap. He had +sandy-grey hair and a touch of sandy-grey whisker; his eye was bright +and his cheeks were ruddy. He beamed with contentment. He may not have +been, as the diverting Mr. BERRY says in _Tina_, "fearfully crisp," +but he was crisp enough. + +Did he know Chiswick? Why, he had known it for nearly sixty years. +Then he knew HOGARTH'S House? No, he couldn't say he did, but, anyhow, +it must be in the other direction, because this, strictly speaking, +was Acton Green and not Chiswick at all. To get to Chiswick I ought to +have gone the other way. "But a depraved errand-boy----" I began to +say, and then realising that the recapitulation of other people's +errors is perhaps the idlest form of speech, where nearly all lack +necessity, I said instead that the natives did not seem to specialise +much in knowledge of their locality; to which he replied that they +ought to, for there was no more beautiful place in the world. + +"I'm going in the direction you want, myself," he added. "The fact is +we're moving, and I've got to get some new blinds, and the shop's on +your way." + +So we fell into step, I with great difficulty keeping up with his +happy buoyancy. + +Yes, he admitted, moving was a trial, but his new house was far more +comfortable than the old one, and, after all, what's a little trouble? + +This was a revolutionary enough remark, but when he went on to ask, +Wasn't it a lovely spring morning? I felt shamed completely, for I was +still angry with the gusts under the scudding sky. And it had been a +lovely night, too, he added. Not a cloud all night. And a moon! such a +moon! He never remembered a lovelier night. How did he know so much +about the night? Why, he was a night watchman. In the General Omnibus +Company. Had been for years. When then did he sleep? Oh, he would soon +be in bed, but he liked a walk in the morning. Especially such a +morning as this. In two hours' time he'd be fast asleep. Oh no, he +didn't mind being on duty at night, and then, being in the General, he +could have rides for nothing, and only the other day he'd been to +Bushy Park to see the fallen trees. My, what a grand sight! He'd never +seen so many fine trees on their sides. Wonderful it was. + +Didn't Chiswick look grand in the Spring? he asked me. Such lovely +blossom in the gardens. Chiswick had once been famous for its fruit +orchards, and many trees still remained. Didn't I think it pretty? + +As a matter of fact it was looking to me exactly like other suburbs; +but I hadn't the heart to dash so enthusiastic and friendly a +creature; so I said I thought Chiswick charming. + +And healthy, he went on: there wasn't a healthier place anywhere--all +sand. Wherever you dug you'd find sand. + +I had a sudden vision of myself, spade in hand, testing this +statement; but he allowed no time for such diversions of thought. The +goodness of Chiswick and the importance of praising it were too urgent +with him. + +After passing the station we came to a block of peculiarly hideous +flats on the right. There, he said, pointing to them, wasn't that +convenient? What could a clerk want better than that? For himself he +couldn't ask a better fate than to live at Chiswick. Such a fine High +Street, and the biggest music-hall in the suburbs. The picture palaces +too. But he was sorry to say that some Chiswick people had taken to +going to a new one at Hammersmith. That was a pity, he thought. Had I +ever seen such a nice Green? + +By this time I was becoming stunned. I pinched myself to discover +whether or not I dreamed. A Londoner, or Greater Londoner, pleased +with his home; an Englishman of any description satisfied with +anything English, and especially just now, when the rule is to cry +stinking fish! What could be the matter? + +I would try him, I thought, in his most sensitive spot, his pocket; +and the opportunity came naturally enough for we were passing the +shops in the High Street and he began to extol their merits. + +"But isn't everything horribly dear nowadays?" I said. + +"Yes," he replied, gaily "it is; but I can remember when it was +dearer." + +What is one to do with a man like that? Had we not now come to my +turning, Duke's Avenue, where he bade me good-bye, I might have +discovered that he did not think Lord KITCHENER an imbecile, Mr. +BALFOUR a mere salary-hunter, and Mr. ASQUITH a traitor. To such an +oddly constructed mind even those things were possible. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy (to Jock, on leave)._ "WHAT ABOUT THE LINGO? +SUPPOSE YOU WANT AN EGG OVER THERE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?" + +_Jock._ "YE JUIST SAY, 'OOF'." + +_Tommy._ "BUT SUPPOSE YOU WANT TWO?" + +_Jock._ "YE SAY 'TWA OOFS,' AND THE SILLY AULD FULE WIFE GIES YE +THREE, AND YE JUIST GIE HER BACK ONE. MAN, IT'S AN AWFU' EASY +LANGUAGE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Mr. BELLOC can, I am sure, write entertainingly about any phase of the +French Revolution on his head, and in _The Last Days of the French +Monarchy_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) he has apparently done so. I cannot think +it will add to his reputation. It will be something if it doesn't hurt +it. He has taken a short story, and by a process of dextrous padding +and the practice of a method, which is becoming an obsession with him, +of going deep into the obvious with much industry and circumstance, he +has contrived, with the addition of a number of plates--some of +singular irrelevance--a fattish book. Even ignorant persons like this +Learned Clerk are apt to be chagrined by being so obviously written +down to. On the other hand, naturally, an author who knows his +intriguing subject so well and drives so forceful a pen cannot fail to +be interesting. The historian seems most concerned to prove, by his +familiar and plausible method of going over the ground "in the same +season, in the same weather, after the same rains, in the same mist," +that the Prussian charge by Valmy Mill miscarried only because the +infantry got bogged in marsh that looked like stubble. So now we know! + + * * * * * + +From the list of books already published by Mr. CECIL HEADLAM it is +easy to see that he is by choice a topographer rather than a novelist. +Indeed the fact is made sufficiently obvious to the reader of _Red +Screes_ (SMITH, ELDER). Its sub-title is _A Romance of Lakeland_, and +so strongly developed is the place-spirit in its author that he is +constantly breaking the rather tenuous thread of his story to +introduce long descriptions of Cumberland scenery and people, and as +this is most easily done by sending his chief characters for walks in +the districts that Mr. HEADLAM wishes to talk about the result is that +I seldom read a novel in which the protagonists were kept so sternly +on the move. But I am far from saying that the result is not happy +enough, especially for those readers who already know and love the +neighbourhood that the author handles so well. As for the tale, that, +as I have hinted, is nothing to keep you awake o' nights. There is a +millionaire in it, with one daughter (whom he hates) and a very +unpleasant secretary, who loves the daughter for her prospects and a +country lass for her looks; and there is a great deal of the most +unconvincing finance that ever I read, even in fiction. As for the +secretary's end, it wouldn't be fair to give that away, as it is +really the only point at which the plot quickens into sufficient +vigour to hold its own with the setting. Mr. HEADLAM obviously both +knows and loves the land of red screes; I am doubtful whether he is as +much at home with the stock-manipulators of Wall Street or their +emotional offspring. And I don't like his introduction of the second +heroine--"The girl's head was bare, save for the crowning glory of +womanhood." What I mean is, if it hadn't had that much covering---- + + * * * * * + +_The King's Men_ (SECKER) are just our friends, yours and mine and Mr. +JOHN PALMER'S, who have exchanged their tools and toys, their pens, +wigs, brushes, books, spats and dreams for stars (one, two or three) +and scars; all drawn into the Great Adventure which began on that 4th +of August so many long years ago. Dilettante _Pelham_, prig and +pacificist not from passion but from detachment, always so unbeatable +in argument and always so wrong; sportsman _Rivers_, seeing simply and +straight; crank _Smith_; comfortable _Baddeley_ in his snug Government +berth; poser _Ponsonby_, always doing the thing that's the thing to +do; exquisite _Graham_, with his fair lodge in the wilderness--all +hallowed by the great consecration. There are, too, the King's women +and an unhappy necessary stay-at-home or two, and a big and rather +crude contractor, who will be master in his own works. But the young +men are the folk Mr. PALMER best understands and presents in turns of +clever and vehement talk. I beg you to read this book for these good +things and for a tender love of England which shines nobly between the +lines of it. + + * * * * * + +Perhaps _Fauvette_, the heroine of _The Green Orchard_ (CASSELL), was +too modern to have much acquaintance with the works of the late +WILLIAM BLACK. Which was a pity, as a recollection of _A Daughter of +Heth_ might have withheld her from her impulsive marriage with _Martin +Wilderspin_, or from feeling so much like a gold-fish out of water +when he took her away from Paris to share a life that was a dreary +contrast to all her previous experience. In any case I cannot hold her +blameless for the resulting shipwreck. A bride who comes down late for +a most critical little dinner to her husband's family, and attires +herself (see cover) like a circus-rider, simply is not giving +matrimony a fair chance. Moreover I seem to observe that Mr. ANDREW +SOUTAR thinks this was rather sporting in his heroine. He certainly +loads the dice in her favour, for, when the inevitable had happened +and _Martin_ and _Fauvette_ had separated, the lady sought the +consolations of literature and became (as heroines will) the sensation +of the hour. Though _The Green Orchard_ is a brisk easy-running tale +fidelity to life is hardly its strong point. Of course it was not to +be expected that _Fauvette_ would escape being adored by _Martin's_ +best friend; the real touch of originality is the final reward of this +kind gentleman. For my own part I certainly expected--but to tell you +that would be to betray what doesn't happen. The whole affair is a +pleasant respite from actuality: more, I fear, it would be impossible +to say. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kind Old Lady._ "I SEE THERE IS AN URGENT APPEAL FOR +MORE LITERATURE FOR OUR FIGHTING MEN. I THOUGHT SOME LONELY SOLDIER OR +SAILOR MIGHT LIKE TO REVIVE MEMORIES OF THE DEAR HOMELAND WITH THIS +VOLUME OF THE POST OFFICE DIRECTORY FOR 1899."] + + * * * * * + +From the description of a polar-bear's escapade in the Edinburgh +"Zoo":-- + + "The keepers now appeared, and with the assistance of + of gun-firing and much noise the animal was quietly + shepherded back to its accustomed place of confinement." + _North British Agriculturist._ + +"Quietly" was a happy thought. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +CL, April 26, 1916, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, APRIL 26, 1916 *** + +***** This file should be named 30575.txt or 30575.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/5/7/30575/ + +Produced by Ritu Aggarwal, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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