diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:54:16 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:54:16 -0700 |
| commit | 278885dda339b01d8a3a69fab76ee757952200c2 (patch) | |
| tree | 215e1a6ebb2d7a04bb54c5a08cb7f8bfcad0e8fc /30690-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '30690-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 30690-h/30690-h.htm | 4022 |
1 files changed, 4022 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/30690-h/30690-h.htm b/30690-h/30690-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e32e0b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/30690-h/30690-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4022 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>The Casual Ward, by A. D. Godley</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: left; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 30%; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Casual Ward, by A. D. Godley + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Casual Ward + academic and other oddments + + +Author: A. D. Godley + + + +Release Date: December 16, 2009 [eBook #30690] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1912 Smith, Elder & Co. edition by +David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<h1>THE<br /> +CASUAL WARD</h1> +<p style="text-align: center">ACADEMIC AND OTHER<br /> +ODDMENTS</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">by</span><br /> +A. D. GODLEY</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">LONDON<br /> +SMITH, ELDER & CO.<br /> +15 WATERLOO PLACE<br /> +1912<br /> +[<i>All rights reserved</i>]</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><!-- page ii--><a +name="pageii"></a><span class="pagenum">p. ii</span>PRINTED BY<br +/> +WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED<br /> +LONDON AND BECCLES</p> +<table> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p style="text-align: center"><!-- page iii--><a +name="pageiii"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +iii</span>CONTENTS</p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span +class="smcap">page</span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">M. T. Ciceronis de Lege Bodleiana +Oratio</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page1">1</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Eights in Fiction</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page6">6</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> I. <span class="smcap">Old +Style</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page6">6</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> II. <span class="smcap">New or +Kodak Style</span> (From the French)</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page10">10</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Thucydides on the Influenza</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page13">13</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Herodotus on Horseback</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page17">17</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Tac. Hist.</span>, <span +class="smcap">Bk. VI</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page21">21</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Journalistic Touch</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page24">24</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> I. <span class="smcap">The True +Tale of Troy</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page24">24</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> II. <span class="smcap">Forgotten +History</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page32">32</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Philogeorgos, or Concerning +Bribery</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page38">38</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Phileleutheros; or, Concerning the +People’s Will</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page43">43</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Tutor’s Expedient</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page49">49</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The End and Object—</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page64">64</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Tortured Tutor</span>: <span +class="smcap">a Dialogue of the Dead</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page71">71</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Difficulties of Mr. +Bull</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page77">77</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Nation in Arms</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page87">87</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Incubus</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page92">92</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><!-- page iv--><a name="pageiv"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. iv</span><span class="smcap">The Working +Man</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page94">94</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Concerning a Millennium</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page97">97</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Forecast</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page100">100</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Pageants</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page103">103</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Rules for Fiction</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page105">105</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Art and Letters</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page107">107</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Novel</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page112">112</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Fragment of a Jargoniad</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page116">116</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Pupils’ Point of +View</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page119">119</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Hints for the Transaction of Public +Business</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page122">122</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Equality of Opportunity</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page125">125</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">University Commissions</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page127">127</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Diplomas in Architecture at +Cambridge</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page130">130</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Ichabod: a Monody</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page133">133</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Panacea</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page137">137</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Heroic Age</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page139">139</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Makers of History</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page142">142</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Alma Mater Filio</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page145">145</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">In Memoriam Examinatoris +Cuiusdam</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page148">148</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p> </p> +<p><!-- page vi--><a name="pagevi"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +vi</span>Nearly all the flights in this book have been first +taken in the <i>Cornhill Magazine</i>, the <i>Oxford +Magazine</i>, or the <i>Saturday Review</i>. They are +reproduced by the kind permission of the Editors of these +periodicals. I am allowed also to reprint a set of verses +published by Messrs. Constable & Co.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">A. D. G.</p> +<p><i>November</i>, 1912</p> +<h2><!-- page 1--><a name="page1"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +1</span>M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">[<span class="smcap">Literally Translated by a +Balliol First-Class Man</span>]</p> +<p class="gutsumm">[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the +precincts of the Bodleian Library]</p> +<p>I. Not concerning a thing of no moment, O Conscript +Fathers, you are now called upon to decide: whether to one man by +the counsel and advice of Curators it is to be permitted that he +should take away from you the power of placing in the Proscholium +the instruments of celerity, the assistances of (your) feet, the +machines appointed by a certain natural providence for the +performance of your duties: whether, in which place our ancestors +sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed applause of the +Roman people, from that (place) bicycles are to be ejected by one +guardian of books. O singular impudence of the man! +For be unwilling, Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe <!-- +page 2--><a name="page2"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +2</span>that in this pretence of consulting for (the interests +of) a public building something more is not also being aimed at +and sought to be obtained: in such a way (<i>lit.</i> so) he +attacks bicycles that in reality he endeavours to oppress the +liberty of each one of you: that by this example and as it were +by the thin end of a certain wedge he may lay the foundation of a +royal power over all these things, which I (as) consul +preserved. Concerning which matter I could say much, if +time allowed me: now behold and examine the miserable condition +of those whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity overturns +from (their) fortunes.</p> +<p>II. What! shall the Masters of Arts, what! shall the +Doctors, what! shall the Proctors themselves (than which kind of +men nothing can exist more holy, nothing more upright, nothing +more auspiciously established) be compelled to come on foot that +they may consult those most sacred volumes in which the Roman +people have wished that all learning should be included? +The Hypobibliothecarii, what men! what citizens! will, I believe, +walk, especially considering that it is to be contended by them +against the lengthiness of a journey: and then, if, as (usually) +happens, some sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer <!-- +page 3--><a name="page3"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +3</span>(their) bicycles lacking shelter to be most miserably +corrupted by rain. It has been handed down to memory, +Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was permitted by the +republic, which he had saved by (his) incredible fortitude, to be +borne by an elephant whenever he had been invited to a +dinner. Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped +that he might by so much the more quickly arrive at a banquet: +shall we, who desire to hasten not for the sake of lust and the +belly, but for the sake of this learning and books, be forbidden +to employ bicycles? I pray and entreat you, Conscript +Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be branded upon the heart +itself and entrails of the commonwealth.</p> +<p>III. But for(sooth) the College of All Souls (which I +name; for the sake of honour) is near, in which machines may be +sheltered. O thing before unheard (of)! From which +place even undergraduates have been excluded by a certain divine +will: into that shall bicycles be thrown? O times, O +manners! It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers, that the +studies of most learned men, Fellows, should be interrupted in +this way. Moreover, they also have a library, that to them +also it may be possible to say that wheels should be kept afar +<!-- page 4--><a name="page4"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +4</span>off: they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a porter: they +will exclude, reject, expectorate them. Which act I blame +in such a way that I confess and acknowledge that it will be done +with the greatest legality.</p> +<p>IV. If the Founder of the Library, if Sir Thomas Bodley +himself, I say, should stand forth from the Elysian fields, it is +not necessary that I should remind you with what ancient severity +he would inveigh against this new power, against the +Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the Curators themselves: for +you can calculate (it) in (your) minds. He would say to +them, “Did I give you authority over books, that you should +use it against bicycles? did I place you in an upper part of a +most convenient building, that you should also rule the lower? +did I endow you with huge wealth and an enormousness of stipend, +that you should therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion +over the common utility, and the necks, heads, lives, fortunes of +the poorer citizens?” To which interrogation and most +stern reproach I do not think they, although they are of a +remarkable audacity, could answer anything: for neither is there +(anything) that can be replied.</p> +<p>V. Although I wish to say more things, I am <!-- page +5--><a name="page5"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 5</span>deterred +by the will of the editor of that most known Magazine (than which +paper I do not think that anything is more conjoined with the +safety of the republic): nor am I not also prevented by tears and +weeping itself. Conscript Fathers, if there is anything in +you of constancy, if of gravity, if of fortitude, if of humanity +(which that there is I most certainly know), fortify this common +citadel of the good: open the Pig Market, closed by the +intolerable influence of bad men: be unwilling, be unwilling that +the seat of the Muses, the School of Divinity, the most +delightful meeting-places of Boards of Faculties, should be +stained by royal power and polluted by cruelty. Which that +it will certainly happen if you do not prevent it by your votes, +I most confidently predict and vaticinate.</p> +<h2><!-- page 6--><a name="page6"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +6</span>THE EIGHTS IN FICTION</h2> +<h3>I. <span class="smcap">Old Style</span></h3> +<p>“There’s nothing that emphasizes the <i>amari +aliquid</i> of life like one’s tobacconist,” mused +Fane Trevyllyan as he flung a box of eighteenpenny Emeticos into +the fire and lit a Latakia cigarette.</p> +<p>It was a lovely August morning in the Eights of 18--; and the +stroke of the Charsley Hall boat reclined wearily in his +luxuriously furnished apartments within that venerable College +and watched the midday sun gilding the pinnacles of the +Martyr’s Memorial. It had been a fast and furious +night, and Trevyllyan had lost more I.O.U.s than even he cared to +remember: and now he was very weary of it all. Had it not +been for one thing, he would have thrown it all up—sent +dons, deans, duns, and dice to the devil, and gone down by the +afternoon train: as it was, there was nothing for it but to +recline on his <!-- page 7--><a name="page7"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 7</span>tiger-skins and smoke countless +cigars. He never would train.</p> +<p>“Going to row to-day, Fane?” It was little +Bagley Wood, the cox. Trevyllyan sanctioned his presence as +if he had been a cat or a lapdog: to all others he was stern and +unapproachable—a true representative of his Order.</p> +<p>“Don’t know, <i>caro mio</i>,” was the +reply. “It’s such a bore, you know: and then I +half think I promised to take La Montmorenci of the Frivolity up +the Cherwell to Trumpington in the University Barge.”</p> +<p>“What! when the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion has come +down on purpose to see us catch Christ Church! why, +<i>sapristi</i>, where can your eyes be?” The stroke +hissed something between his clenched teeth, and Bagley Wood +found himself flying through an unopened window.</p> +<p>“<i>Cherchez la femme</i>! it’s always the way +with the Trevyllyans,” muttered the lad, as he picked +himself up from the grass plot in the quadrangle and strolled off +to quiet his nerves with a glass of <i>aguardiente</i> at the +Mitre.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>An August moon shone brightly on the last night of the great +aquatic contest: the starter had fired his pistol, and all the +boats but one were off.</p> +<p><!-- page 8--><a name="page8"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +8</span>“Hadn’t you better think about starting, +Trevyllyan?” asked the coach of the Charsley Hall Eight, a +trifle pale and anxious. “See, they are all under +way. Glanville Ferrers, the Christ Church stroke, swears +you shan’t bump him as you did last week. He must be +past the Soapworks by this time.”</p> +<p>“<i>Caramba</i>! then I suppose we ought to get +in,” replied the other; and as he spoke he divested himself +of the academical garb that scarcely concealed his sky-blue +tights, and stood, a model of manly beauty, on the banks of the +rushing river. Then, throwing away a half-finished cigar, +Trevyllyan strode into the boat. <i>Per Bacco</i>! +’twas a magnificent sight. As the crack Eight of the +river sped swiftly after her rival, cheers arose from the bank, +and odds on both boats were freely taken and offered by the +<i>cognoscenti</i>.</p> +<p>You and I, <i>amigo mio</i>! have seen many a race in our +day. We have seen the ’Varsity crews flash neck and +neck past Lillie Bridge: we have held our breath while Orme ran a +dead heat with Eclipse for the Grand National: we have read how +the victor of the <i>pancratium</i> panted to the <i>meta</i> +amid the Io Triumphes of Attica’s vine-clad +Acropolis. But we did not see the great Christ Church and +Charsley’s race—that great contest which is still the +talk of <!-- page 9--><a name="page9"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 9</span>many a learned lecture-room. +They say the pace was tremendous. Four men fainted in the +Christ Church boat, and Trevyllyan’s crew repeatedly +entreated him to stop. But he held on, inexorable as the +Erinnyes.</p> +<p>Fair as Pallas Anadyomene—fair as the Venus whom Milo +fashioned <i>pour se désennuyer</i> in his exile at +Marseilles—the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion sat throned on +the University Barge, and watched the heroes as their bare arms +flashed in the moonlight. And now they were through the +Gut, and the nose of the Charsley’s boat pressed hard on +its rival: yet Fane Trevyllyan did not make his final +effort. Would he spare Glanville Ferrers? <i>Quien +sabe</i>? They had been friends—once. But the +die was cast. As the boats sped past her the Lady Gwendolen +stooped from her pride of place and threw a rose—just +one—into the painted poop of the Christ Church +wherry. That was all: but it was enough. Trevyllyan +saw the action where he sat: one final, magnificent, unswerving +stroke—those who saw it thought it would never +end!—and with a muttered “Habet!” he sent the +brazen beak of his Eight crashing in among the shattered oars of +his helpless competitor.</p> +<p><i>Galeotto fu il libro</i>, <i>e chi lo scrisse</i>.</p> +<h3><!-- page 10--><a name="page10"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +10</span>II. <span class="smcap">New or Kodak +Style</span><br /> +(From the French)</h3> +<p class="poetry">If they are frivolous, these Universities!<br +/> +At present great sensation in Oxford: this town, so gloomy, so +sad ordinarily, is to-day <i>en fête</i>.<br /> +Is it that one elects a new <i>Vice-Chancellor</i>?<br /> +No.<br /> +It is the contest aquatic of the Colleges which goes to take +place.<br /> +One discusses in the <i>salons</i> the most <i>chic</i> how many +kilogrammes they weigh, these heroes of the oar.<br /> +Everywhere Professors in straw hats and Heads of Colleges <i>en +matelot</i>.<br /> +What a spectacle!<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +On the barges. . . .<br /> +Grouped on these venerable hulks, crowds of ladies excite our +admiration by their beauty and our respect by their +intelligence.<br /> +Whence do they come, these damsels, so young, so charming?<br /> +It is that they have arrived from the metropolis <!-- page +11--><a name="page11"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 11</span>at +the request of their brothers, their cousins—what do I know +of it? perhaps their <i>prétendants</i>—of whom they +wish to enhance with their applause the athletic triumph.<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +After all, they are adorable, these English misses!<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +On the bank. . . .<br /> +One hears the portentous echo of the <i>Five-Minutes-Gun</i>.<br +/> +Moment tremendous!<br /> +They have started: one sees already the <i>strokesman</i> of the +<i>first-boat</i>.<br /> +One would say a whole University that runs on the +<i>towing-path</i>, and that utters loud cries.<br /> +Here and there <i>coachmen</i> are seen carrying pistols and +pronouncing terrible execrations.<br /> +Why these pistols? . . .<br /> +A little brutal, these English: but of a force, a virility!<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +I myself who speak to you am infected by this enthusiasm.<br /> +I run: I utter cries: I <i>raffole</i> of the +<i>leading-boat</i>: I shout En avant! Vive la +Madeleine! Vive le Cercle Nautique! Hourra! . . .<br +/> +<!-- page 12--><a name="page12"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +12</span>But one does not do these things at forty years.<br /> +I am out of breath, what? I wish to stop.<br /> +Arrest yourselves, my friends too impetuous!<br /> +I appeal to you in the name of France, who respects you: do not +annihilate me, do not pulverize me. . . . .<br /> +Vain appeal! One would say the car of Juggernaut.<br /> +I am knocked down: I am <i>criblé</i> with kicks: I am +massacred.<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +Ah! . . .</p> +<h2><!-- page 13--><a name="page13"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +13</span>THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA</h2> +<p>Thucydides, an Athenian, wrote the history of the epidemic +among the Oxonians, how they had the epidemic, having begun to +write as soon as it broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering +it to be the most noticeable of all that had appeared +previously. (For the place was not liable to diseases at +other times, but especially free from them, except that which +affected the teeth: on account of which they used to go up to the +metropolis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but in deed to +go to Olympia, so that not a few were banished from the city both +for other reasons and not least this.) As to the causes of +it, then, let any one speak who is aware of them: but I will show +what things happened on account of it, having both myself put on +an æger and seen others similarly afflicted, so that I can +describe it with equal certainty more than the narrative of +another not having done so, but relying on the <!-- page 14--><a +name="page14"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 14</span>incredibility +of historians more than the sureness of experience.</p> +<p>For in the first beginning of the sickness men remembered what +Homer says about the lower and higher animals in the Trojan +business—</p> +<blockquote><p>First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but +afterward, aiming at the men his piercing dart, he smote,</p> +</blockquote> +<p>seeing that now too not less but equally as much first, the +College Tutors were attacked, and next the scouts, and last of +all the men themselves. But most of all the scouts were +affected, and this caused the greatest calamity: so that a man +must often wish that his scout might recover, wishing indeed +contrary to nature, but being persuaded by the greatness of the +surrounding misfortune, lest he should suffer even worse things +at the hands of a scout’s boy, or considering it terrible +if he shall lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not +being brought to him. And all laws concerning meals were +brought into a state of confusion, so that many anticipated +taking the commons of another. And they welcomed the +hospitality of those outside the walls, regarding their hunger in +the present as much more important than another man’s +inability to pay his debts in the future.</p> +<p><!-- page 15--><a name="page15"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +15</span>But when the men themselves began to suffer, then indeed +the disease was the commencement of lawlessness to a greater +extent for the city. For cuttings of chapels and avoidings +of lectures, which are an agony for the present more than a +possession for ever, and in short all such things as the +indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a man easily +dared to do, it being uncertain on the one hand whether his tutor +has the influenza, and on the other if he himself might not put +on an æger before being hauled he should pay the +penalty. And though some, indeed, did things exactly +contrary to this, and being before unaccustomed now went in the +morning with a run to chapel in order that fewer being present +the paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared with the +multitude of those who were absent might gain them a prestige of +virtue not real but simulated—yet with most there was now +neither fear of the Dean by land nor by sea of their coaches: +disobeying whom they ate and drank all kinds of things contrary +to law, no one being willing to exert himself for that which +seemed to be honourable, and calculating that the present +abstention from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of +being bumped in the future about as much and <!-- page 16--><a +name="page16"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 16</span>not less than +if he had smoked three pipes and a cheroot. And not only +was injustice prevalent among those who were as yet in good +health, but many of those in the ships, being or seeming to +themselves to be sick, had their places taken by others +accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly +inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice +combined with experience of the others, was in reality less +powerful than the language which those on the bank thought worthy +to use concerning them.</p> +<p>Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent an expedition +against Cambridge, having manned a slow train to Bletchley, +Nicolaidas being commander second himself; and they advanced as +far as Third Trinity, and having ravaged part of the land and set +up a trophy, they returned home.</p> +<h2><!-- page 17--><a name="page17"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +17</span>HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK</h2> +<p>At this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii there was +instituted a contest of horses such as this nation is accustomed +to celebrate every spring. And this contest is of such a +kind, not being well arranged according at least to my +opinion:—Having dug trenches and built other ramparts +parallel indeed to each other but transversely to the running of +the horses themselves, they do not any longer stand round them +invoking the gods as those do who play golf, but on the contrary, +when they have placed men upon horses they cause them to cross +these by leaping under the lash, as far as the goal: and whoever +anticipates the others arriving at the goal, sitting at least on +the same horse on which sitting he set out, and not it running, +having left him behind, nor he himself on foot, he is considered +to have conquered. The reason why I said that this contest +is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being +possible to contend in a level <!-- page 18--><a +name="page18"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 18</span>place without +danger or difficulty, the Oxonii nevertheless themselves make +obstacles so as to prevent the horses from (not) arriving at the +end of the course, neither being compelled nor there being any +necessity +(οὐδεμίης +ἀναγκαίης +ἐούσης). Then, +however, they did these things, and also, as they are accustomed +to do on such occasions, they sent messengers to inquire of other +prophets and also of the Delphic oracle who should be the +conqueror. The Pythian priestess, being mindful how she had +formerly made a good shot in respect of the Median business, +replied in the hexameter rhythm that the issues of victory lay +around a wooden wall. Now having this as a proof I will +neither refuse to believe in oracles myself nor allow others to +disbelieve them. For when the race had begun and the horses +had been sent away by the sound of a trumpet, other men were +taking part in the contest, and also Pheron the son of Trapezites +a Corinthian: this is not the Pheron who, his father having +founded a city, was himself expelled from it by the few, who were +called Hetairi, because he had allied himself with the democracy +forsooth (δηθεν). And there are +other things written about this Pheron in the history composed by +Proctor, who was tyrant of Oxonia second himself for one year, +and in fact caused <!-- page 19--><a name="page19"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 19</span>Pheron to fall out by reason of +sedition. What I have said just now is a digression and +refers to other matters, and I will now come back to my former +story. So then the men, having in the first part of the +contest done things worthy of themselves, and having for the most +part, although not all, yet the majority, avoided the (not) +falling into ditches and the like incurably at least, came +presently to the wooden fence, which I conjecture to be the wall +meant by the Delphic oracle. It being then necessary either +remaining on the hither side to be driven away from all hope of +the prize or leaping to run risks concerning their lives, and the +rest having leapt in such a way that they crossed the fence +sitting rather upon the ground than upon their horses, and some +neither with them nor upon them, as the Lacedæmonians say +about their shields: this Pheron, of whom I have before made +mention, showed himself to be prudent in other things and also in +this. He, having a horse much the most active of all the +rest, was not left behind by it, but sat there holding on firmly +until he had arrived at the farther side; and from thence, the +race being easy for him, he came to the goal very much the first, +having anticipated. In this way he obtained the +prize. I have learnt the names of all the other <!-- page +20--><a name="page20"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +20</span>competitors: but I do not think it proper to relate +them, not now at least.</p> +<p>When the spectators had seen these things (and there was also +a contest for the natives of the country, in which not a few were +roughly handled) they returned in chariots to the city, driving +not straight like the Greeks, but obliquely, as is +customary. This story some relate, relating things credible +to me at least; there being two Oxonii in one chariot, and no one +else, one of them entreated the other after they had gone some +way without misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold the +reins of the horses: to whom the other replied +“But—for do you not already hold them?” +These men then having left such a memorial of themselves did +nevertheless arrive safely at the city.</p> +<h2><!-- page 21--><a name="page21"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +21</span>TAC. HIST., BK. VI.<br /> +<span class="smcap">De Avla S. Edmvndi</span>.</h2> +<p>1. Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici +expediam. Mauretaniam post decessum Tedimurii cuicumque +servitio expositam avaritia et mala cupidine fines augendi +contemptis populi studiis occupaverant Brigantes, barbara +gens. mox rectorem imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum +instituta professum. non tulere Mauri intempestivam +sapientiam. namque ut divitias ita librorum scientiam +contemptui habent: et est plerisque indocta canities.</p> +<p>2. Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus multa +scholarum patientia. is collectis in aulam Edmundi +popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum locutus fertur: “si +apud rerum humanarum inscios verba facerem plura cohortandi causa +dicenda erant. nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios +iniuriis validiorum potentia laeserit. quid memorem Scotos +Stubbinsiorum dominatu potitos? quid Tabernarios +Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab iisdem suum lucrum <!-- page +22--><a name="page22"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 22</span>ex +aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos atque +mancipatos? Scimmerios cum maxime Rhodesii subiectos +habent, puerili rei nummariae imperitia generis humani regimen +expostulantes. quanta profanarum litterarum scientia +pacatissima loca polluerint, non est opus dictu apud +gnaros. quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam nuper +[praemii nomen] occupaverunt? eandem nobis Brigantes +necessitatem imponent, gradum capessendi. et baccalaureos +videbimus.” tum ad iuvenes conversus “eone +ventum esset” interrogat “ut antiquissima aulae iura +corrumpi sinerent? Reginensium specioso vocabulo nuncupatos +pessimam servitutem passuros: praelectiones et deorum templa +prope noctu insolitis adeunda: et praecipua foeditate Brigantium +arcana. mox et specimen partium Magrathium remigare +coacturum, eo immitius quia toleravisset. num et +sanctissimam Edmundi effigiem nuper a cive in somnis visam inter +quaggas et aprorum capita et eiusmodi ludicra fore +ostentui? proinde simplex et pastoricius et aratro adsuetus +populus priscam et traditam a patribus tranquillitatem coleret et +tueretur.”</p> +<p>3. His et talibus accensos ducit in viam, Brigantium +fines et principes ipsos gentis rutilo pigmento maculaturos, ni +liberentur. egressis claudit portas <!-- page 23--><a +name="page23"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 23</span>Reginensis +sacerdos, metu an conscientia dubium: nec non Brigantes quamquam +civili bello distracti struxere vallum et loricam hostem +arcendi. igitur utrinque exclusi palantur in viis Mauri: +procurtoribus grata ea species nomina et collegii genus per +ludibrium percunctantibus. mox ab Omnianimensibus propter +mediocritatem doctrinae consimilibus hospitio accipiuntur: et +inter socios conscribi concessum. ibi per speciem +cruditatis interfecti. aula in formam provinciae +redacta. nec enim magis iustis indiciis unquam adprobatum +est, non esse curae Vice-Cancellario securitatem bonorum, esse +exstinctionem.</p> +<h2><!-- page 24--><a name="page24"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +24</span>THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH <a name="citation24"></a><a +href="#footnote24" class="citation">[24]</a><br /> +(<span class="smcap">i.</span>) <span class="smcap">the true tale +of troy</span></h2> +<p>(It is perhaps not generally known that the <i>Daily +Hieroglyphic</i>, one of the leading morning papyri of Egypt +under the --th Dynasty, despatched a special correspondent to +Greece at the time of the Trojan War. Some fragments of his +communications have been discovered by the energy of modern +tomb-robbers, and the courtesy of the British Museum has enabled +us to publish these <i>disjecta membra</i>, which may perhaps be +of interest to the public at the present juncture.)</p> +<p>The only social <i>événement</i> (writes the +correspondent under date Jan. 10, 1100 <span +class="smcap">b.c.</span>, or thereabouts) which I have to +chronicle is a reported domestic <i>esclandre</i> in the family +of Menelaus, the genial and popular Prince of Sparta. In +consequence of this the Princess Helena, it is alleged, has gone +to Paris.</p> +<p style="text-align: right"><!-- page 25--><a +name="page25"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 25</span>Mycenae, +January 12.</p> +<p>It appears from the <i>Court Circular</i> that Her Royal +Highness has been advised by her physicians to reside for some +time in Asia Minor. At the same time I cannot conceal the +fact that the Corinthian society paper, <i>Alethea</i>, mentions +the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this story. I +am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of +scandal.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">February 1.</p> +<p>The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international +complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae. +It is stated on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador +has been recalled from the former capital, the alleged reason +being promotion to a still higher diplomatic post: there seems, +however, to be no reasonable doubt that the practical rupture of +relations between the Empires of the West and East is not +remotely connected with the eternal maxim, “Cherchez la +femme.” Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince +Menelaus.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">February 20.</p> +<p>Everything points to war. Orders for a substantial +increase of the Navy have been placed in <!-- page 26--><a +name="page26"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 26</span>the hands of +Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated firm of +shipbuilders. Heroes are earnestly called for.</p> +<p>The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an +animated debate. M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote +which would enable him to enrol three more phalanxes. He +was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites, Leader of the Extreme Left, +who demanded to know why the Achaean nation was to be plunged +recklessly into war for the settlement of matters properly +pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court. Fortunately +for the success of M. Diomedes’ proposal, the closure was +put in operation.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Later.</p> +<p>M. Thersites’ funeral is announced for to-morrow (about +the time of loosing oxen).</p> +<p style="text-align: right">February 25.</p> +<p>I cannot better describe the existing political situation than +by quoting the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and +elsewhere.</p> +<p>All the official journals are consistently warlike in +tone. They declare that nothing will satisfy Achaean +aspirations but the annexation of Helen. The Athenian +<i>Asty</i> declares that should King <!-- page 27--><a +name="page27"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 27</span>Agamemnon +employ the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a +stepping-stone to lop off another limb from the decaying trunk of +the (so-called) Trojan Empire, he will have achieved a permanent +blessing to civilization.</p> +<p>On the other hand, the <i>Olympian Times</i> comments severely +on the precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the +rash proceedings which have led to a rupture that might have been +averted by diplomacy. As the <i>Times</i> is understood to +be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an utterance may well give +rise to the gravest apprehensions.</p> +<p>The <i>Oracle</i>—a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical +tendencies—preserves an ambiguous tone.</p> +<p>Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the +<i>entourage</i> of King Priam. Hector Pasha has been +appointed War Minister. The <i>Prehistoric Post</i> speaks +of the enlistment of two new regiments of Hittite Bashi-Bazouks +in the interior of Asia Minor. The <i>Cassandra</i>, +however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be +inspired, has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, +and confidently predicts the destruction of Troy.</p> +<p>The <i>Ephemerios Chronographos</i> has received the following +telegram from the veteran statesman <!-- page 28--><a +name="page28"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 28</span>Nestor: +“Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations. Bag and +baggage only possible policy. Postcard +follows.—Nestor, Hawarden, Pylos.”</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 1.</p> +<p>His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, +amid scenes of great enthusiasm. Her Majesty the Queen and +His Excellency Count Aegisthus were both visibly affected. +Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds shouting, “To +Ilion!”</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 8.</p> +<p>The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising +the wind shall have been concluded. Meantime, the services +of the notorious Klepht Achilles have been engaged. This +popular enlistment creates great enthusiasm.</p> +<p>The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is +contradicted this morning by an official +<i>démenti</i>.</p> +<p>H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious +house.</p> +<p>Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2).</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Later.</p> +<p>The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable +anxiety.</p> +<p style="text-align: right"><!-- page 29--><a +name="page29"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 29</span>Tenedos, +March 15.</p> +<p>Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers +have issued a Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, +forbidding the landing of heroes and others. +Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt that several +demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring to +effect administrative reforms. Achaean newspapers of all +shades condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to +raise a storm. Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 17.</p> +<p>In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the +Powers, they have issued a Collective Note urging upon His +Majesty King Agamemnon the necessity of prompt withdrawal. +In view of his possible refusal, it is understood that +thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been +mobilized. This action is severely commented upon by the +Achaean Press in general. The <i>Phaeacian Daily +Chronicle</i> goes so far as to threaten a mass meeting in +Trafalgar Square. Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing +atrocities.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 18.</p> +<p>The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the <!-- page +30--><a name="page30"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +30</span>contending parties. It is understood that nothing +short of a <i>Deus ex machina</i> can avert a formal rupture of +relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts which +are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily +committed.</p> +<p>The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the +situation. His Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit +by a thunderbolt this morning.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 20.</p> +<p>I am authorized to state that the intervention of a <i>Deus ex +machina</i> has brought about the arrangement of a <i>modus +vivendi</i>. The Achaean expeditionary force is to +withdraw, and Helen is to be autonomous. Menelaus, however, +is to be free to enforce administrative reforms.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 21.</p> +<p>Peace with Honour has been proclaimed. It is possible, +however, that some embarrassment may still arise from the action +of King Priam in assessing the material, moral, and intellectual +damage inflicted on himself and his allies at 152,833 tripods, 18 +women, and an ox. This sum will certainly be disputed.</p> +<p>It is asserted as probable that the Poet <!-- page 31--><a +name="page31"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +31</span>Laureate,—Homer, will be invited to compose an +epic poem commemorating the events of the raid. An edition +of 20,000 copies will be issued, including 50 on India paper, +with corruptions and emendations by eminent scholars.</p> +<h2><!-- page 32--><a name="page32"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +32</span>THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH<br /> +(<span class="smcap">ii.</span>) <span +class="smcap">forgotten history</span></h2> +<p>The Roman correspondent of the <i>Stella Lugdunensis</i> +writes to his paper under date <span class="smcap">a.v.c.</span> +817:—</p> +<p>All the Press is naturally full of the recent debate in the +Senate on the alleged unconstitutional indiscretions of our +Imperial Master. (H.I.M., I should add, is at present on a +lecturing tour in the Peloponnesus; statements in the <i>Custos +Burdigalensis</i> to the effect that He is giving a series of +violin recitals are wholly without foundation.) The +impression produced is on the whole one of unanimous condemnation +of His Majesty’s recent action. How—it is +argued even by the Right—can it tend to the stability of +Roman foreign policy that in the regrettable military operations +between the Suebi and the Chatti the Emperor should have directed +General Count Corbulo to prepare an invincible plan of campaign +for each of the belligerents? The <!-- page 33--><a +name="page33"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 33</span>Extreme Left, +as represented by Messrs. Barea and T. Peters (? Paetus), goes +much farther, and does not hesitate to criticize the autocratic +dilettantism which professes to lay down the law on artistic +matters which it does not in the least understand. It is +time (said one speaker) that our so-called Emperor should cease +to be persuaded by the plaudits of a decadent and servile +entourage into imagining Himself a Second Sarasatius. +Absolutism is generally condemned.</p> +<p>Messrs. Nerva and Nymphidius and other prominent Imperialists +have, of course, defended their master; but their apologies, it +is felt, were somewhat perfunctory and half-hearted. In +allusion to the lamented demise of the Dowager Empress, it was +pointed out that pity and loyalty alike should forbid trampling +on a Ruler bowed down by repeated domestic bereavements; and +attempts were made to enlist sympathy for the Imperial +Orphan. These, however, have not been uniformly crowned +with success.</p> +<p>Tension undoubtedly exists. I cannot (to speak plainly) +conceal from myself the fact that in a given contingency, the +nature of which it is unnecessary and, perhaps, undesirable to +specify further, circumstances at present unforeseen might +conceivably pave <!-- page 34--><a name="page34"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 34</span>the way for developments of which it +might be impossible to predict the eventual termination.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>“Ought Nero to Abdicate?” is the subject of a +“symposium” in the current <i>Primum Saeculum et +Post</i>. The signatures L and S are commonly associated +with the talented author whose <i>Pharsalia</i> has long been +recognized as the most charming of Saturnalian gift-books, and +the Rev. L. A. Seneca, formerly private tutor in His +Majesty’s household. Should H.I.M. decide to +abdicate, it is anticipated that He will edit our Boeotian +contemporary the <i>Oracle</i>, which is sadly in need of new +blood. Nero will give it that. The meetings held at +the Palazzo Pisone were strictly private.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Suebian Press continues to hint at fresh +indiscretions. There is no doubt that a state of tension +exists, which can only be alleviated by the restoration of +reciprocal confidence between H.I.M. and the Roman people. +The result of the approaching conference between the Emperor and +Prince Tigellinus is eagerly discussed.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Later.</p> +<p>H.M.’s interview with the Chancellor at Brundisium is +stated to have been productive of entirely <!-- page 35--><a +name="page35"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 35</span>satisfactory +results. It is said that Nero now thoroughly understands +the situation, and is resolved to remodel His conduct +accordingly. Tension is greatly alleviated.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>I cannot more graphically summarize the present improved +situation than by quoting the headlines in the <i>Acta +Diurna</i>.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">GREAT REVIEW OF PRAETORIANS<br /> +OUTSIDE THE SENATE HOUSE.<br /> +RESTORED RELATIONS BETWEEN<br /> +CONSCRIPT FATHERS AND EMPEROR.<br /> +HIS MAJESTY IN THE SENATE.<br /> +AVE CAESAR OPTIME MAXIME.<br /> +GREAT ENTHUSIASM.<br /> +DIVINE HONOURS PRACTICALLY CERTAIN.<br /> +IMPROVED FINANCIAL POSITION.<br /> +NEW ISSUE OF CONSULS EXPECTED.</p> +<p>All this tends to indicate that the period of mutual suspicion +and distrust is practically at an end. Nothing shows it +more clearly than the happy renewal of social relations between +the Emperor and <!-- page 36--><a name="page36"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 36</span>the leading members of the +Senate. As a guarantee of good feeling, several of our +legislators have consented, at His Majesty’s earnest +request, to assist Him in the forthcoming Pageant of Empire to be +held in the Circus Maximus. Their collaboration is indeed +indispensable, large consignments of empty lions being reported +to have arrived at Ostia. The hearty sympathy between our +Ruler and His people is still further attested by the fact that +several Senators who were but lately among the foremost critics +of Absolutism are now taking a personal and prominent share in +the scheme of street illuminations recently suggested to the +Emperor by His Chancellor. Members of the Stoic Democratic +Federation have been invited to meet H.I.M. at dinner at the +Café Locusta.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Café Locusta dinner has been a great success. +It is not expected that the Stoic Democratic Federation will +express any further opinion hostile to the Imperial policy.</p> +<p>M. Nymphidius has been commissioned to form a Ministry.</p> +<p>Not the least noteworthy among social +<i>événements</i> is the departure of Piso (whose +tendency to form cabals has for some time been a sore subject in +<!-- page 37--><a name="page37"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +37</span>Imperialistic circles) for his estates in Thule, +N.B. He has left, according to one account, by the Hook +(<i>unco</i>).</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>I quote from the Court Journal:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“The Emperor Nero reigns in the hearts of +His People. Persons asserting the contrary will be +decapitated.”</p> +</blockquote> +<h2><!-- page 38--><a name="page38"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +38</span>PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY</h2> +<p>Going down the other day to the Kerameikos, I met my friend +Philogeorgos, who is at present one of those who desire to hold +office in the city. And I said to him—</p> +<p>“Philogeorgos, you look sad; is it because you fear lest +you should not be elected Archon?”</p> +<p>“No, Socrates,” he replied. “It is not +that which saddens me; it is the baseness of those who try to +prevent the people from choosing me.”</p> +<p>“In what way do they act basely?” I asked.</p> +<p>“There is a certain wine-seller,” he said, +“who is offering what the Hyperboreans call Free Drinks +(that is, you know, draughts of wine without payment) to all +those who will vote for Misogeorgos, but not for me.”</p> +<p>“That is very unkind of the wine-seller. But why +do you say that the transaction is base?”</p> +<p>“Why, of course it is base. How can it be anything +else?”</p> +<p><!-- page 39--><a name="page39"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +39</span>“When we predicate baseness of a +transaction,” I said, “we must also predicate +baseness of those who are concerned in it, or at least of one of +them. Now, Philogeorgos, let me ask you a question; for you +are accustomed by this time to answer questions. When you +wish for a pair of shoes or a flute, how do you obtain +one?”</p> +<p>“How else,” he said, “except by buying it +from a shoemaker or a maker of flutes?”</p> +<p>“How else, indeed?” I replied. “So, +then, the tradesman gives you something which he possesses; and +you give the tradesman in return something which you +possess. And this exchange is advantageous to both of you, +and honourable; is it not?”</p> +<p>“I suppose so.”</p> +<p>“And neither of you becomes base?”</p> +<p>“Neither.”</p> +<p>“Then it is not a base transaction?”</p> +<p>“No.”</p> +<p>“Now consider in this way; Does a vote belong to the man +who possesses a vote?”</p> +<p>“Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to +quibble, as usual.”</p> +<p>“It is only by dialectic,” I replied, “that +we can arrive at the truth. And the wine belongs, I +suppose, to the wine-seller?”</p> +<p><!-- page 40--><a name="page40"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +40</span>“It would seem so, at least.”</p> +<p>“Then when the wine-seller gets the voter’s vote +in exchange for his own wine, they simply give each other what +each possesses; and such a transaction, as you have said, is +advantageous to both parties, and honourable, and not base at +all.”</p> +<p>“I said,” he replied, rather angrily, “that +you were going to quibble. Of course, the case is quite +different. A vote is a sacred thing; and it ought not to be +exchanged for the satisfaction of mere bodily desires, such as +the desire for drink.”</p> +<p>“Nor for any other material comfort?” I asked.</p> +<p>“Certainly not,” he replied.</p> +<p>“Nobly spoken, indeed!” I said. “But I +confess, all the same, that you rather surprise me; for only this +morning I heard the herald proclaiming in your name that all the +citizens would have Free Food if they voted for +Philogeorgos. And I remember how some years ago either +Phaidrolithos or one of those around him used to promise at +elections that everyone should have three acres of land and a +cow, on condition that the city kept him and his party in +power. You do not mean to tell me that what Phaidrolithos +or his friends did was base?”</p> +<p>“No, indeed,” he replied. “But surely, +Socrates, <!-- page 41--><a name="page41"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 41</span>even you must see that this is a +different matter altogether.”</p> +<p>“How different? You say that votes must not be +exchanged for material comforts; yet Free Food is a material +comfort; and so are three acres, because they produce food; and +so, I presume, is a cow. And these things were offered to +the voter in exchange for his vote, just as the wine-seller now +is offering draughts of wine.”</p> +<p>“No, Socrates, it is not the same thing at all. +When I talk of Free Food, and when men like Phaidrolithos talk of +land and cows, we do not give these things immediately in +exchange for votes. We could not; they are not ours to +give; we have not got them.”</p> +<p>“That is very true,” I said. “For I +remember when Phaidrolithos and his party were put in power many +people used to come to those in authority and demand that they +should now receive three acres of land each and a cow; and when +they did not receive these things they were indignant, as having +been deceived. And I daresay that when you are in power men +will come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get +it. But, as far as I can understand your argument, it is +honourable to promise in return for a vote that which you cannot +give; but when <!-- page 42--><a name="page42"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 42</span>one promises that which he <i>can</i> +give, as the wine-seller does, that is base, and that makes you +sad. Is it not so? And the reason seems to be that +when the wine-seller offers Free Drinks for a vote, then the vote +is sold; but when you offer Free Food for a vote, then it is not +the vote which is sold, but only the voter.”</p> +<p>“Socrates,” said Philogeorgos, “you are a +philosopher; and no philosopher ever understood politics. +But I am busy, and have really no more time to waste upon you and +your dialectics.”</p> +<p>“Farewell, then, Philogeorgos,” I said; “but +please do not be angry with me for being so stupid. And if +I were you,” I continued, “I do not think I would be +angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of +wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not +be paid for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of +voting for you rather than for Misogeorgos. Do you not +think so?”</p> +<p>But Philogeorgos was already out of hearing.</p> +<h2><!-- page 43--><a name="page43"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +43</span>PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE’S +WILL</h2> +<p>“Is not this a dreadful thing, Socrates, that Balphurios +has been lately doing about what he calls a +Referendum?”</p> +<p>“What thing?” I said. “I have heard +indeed lately that he has said this—that if he and his +friends should be elected to sit in the Ecclesia, he will not +propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first consulting +the citizens; and he has invited Askoïthios to do the same +thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first +consulting the citizens. Is that the dreadful +thing?”</p> +<p>“So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely +believe it: for it aims at the destruction of the +democracy. But I can tell him that Askoïthios will +certainly not do what he is invited to do.”</p> +<p>“Why will he not do it?” I asked.</p> +<p>“Because Askoïthios knows very well already that +all the citizens are in favour of giving autonomy to the +Samians.”</p> +<p><!-- page 44--><a name="page44"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +44</span>“Well, Phileleutheros,” I said, “in +that case he will do no harm by having consulted them. And +does Balphurios also know what the citizens think about taxing +Megarian imports?”</p> +<p>“Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and +his friends) abhor such a plan.”</p> +<p>“Then,” I said, “no harm will be done there +either; for the citizens, being consulted, will say what they +wish.”</p> +<p>“But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens +should be consulted. And that is why Askoïthios will +not consult them.”</p> +<p>“Why, Phileleutheros,” I said, “are you not +a democrat?”</p> +<p>“Of course I am.”</p> +<p>“And in a democracy do not the people rule?”</p> +<p>“I suppose so.”</p> +<p>“By saying what they wish to have done, or +otherwise?”</p> +<p>“By saying so, I suppose.”</p> +<p>“And if they are not allowed to say what they wish, they +are not ruling, and it is not a democracy?”</p> +<p>“Perhaps.”</p> +<p>“Then Balphurios, who asks the people what they wish, is +a democratic man; and Askoïthios, <!-- page 45--><a +name="page45"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 45</span>who does not +ask them, is not a democratic man; nor are you one, apparently, O +Phileleutheros.”</p> +<p>“This is all nonsense, Socrates,” he said. +“Balphurios cannot be a democrat: for I am a democrat, and +I do not agree with Balphurios. And you have not the least +conception of what is meant by democracy: which is, that certain +persons are chosen by the majority of the citizens that they may +sit in the Ecclesia and carry out the wishes of the +people.”</p> +<p>“But for what reasons do you choose such persons?” +I asked.</p> +<p>“They ought to be chosen, Socrates,” he replied, +“because they possess the qualities proper to democratic +men.”</p> +<p>“You mean,” I said, “that they must hate and +speak evil of the rich; and that they must wish to diminish the +number of our triremes; and that they must refuse to tax Megarian +imports; and that they must be conscious of their own virtues and +the vices of others.”</p> +<p>“I do not altogether praise your definition; but it will +do.”</p> +<p>“But with all these qualities,” I said, +“will your ecclesiasts always know what you wish when +something unexpected happens about which it is necessary to +decide? For instance, if one of the chief speakers <!-- +page 46--><a name="page46"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +46</span>proposes a law that all burglars should be honoured by +dinners in the Prytaneum, will not your ecclesiasts come to us +and say, ‘O Socrates and Phileleutheros, we possess all the +qualities proper to democratic men: we are conscious of our own +virtues, and we should like to diminish the number of your +triremes: and for these qualities we have been elected; but as to +this matter of giving burglars a dinner in the Prytaneum, about +this we do not yet know your wishes: and we would gladly be +informed by you?’”</p> +<p>“If they do not know our wishes of themselves,” +said Phileleutheros, “they will suffer for it at the next +election.”</p> +<p>“That is very unpleasant for them,” I +replied. “Suppose now that you hired an architect to +build you a house, and that while he was building it he needed +your advice, and came and said to you, ‘O Phileleutheros, I +have given your house four walls and a roof according to your +wishes; but you have not yet told me whether your banqueting-hall +ought to have three windows or six. About this I do not yet +know your wishes, and I would gladly be informed by +you.’ Will you then say to him that you have no +authority to tell him your wishes any more, but that if he +happens to decide contrary to your will you will not employ him +again? Similarly, it seems <!-- page 47--><a +name="page47"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 47</span>to me, you +are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the agent of your +wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then tyrants +and not your servants—if to make laws not according to the +will of the people is tyranny. And you can punish the +ecclesiasts by dismissing them after a time, of course; but you +will only elect others who will be tyrants again in the same way +as their predecessors.”</p> +<p>“But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent +them.”</p> +<p>“Hardly,” I replied. “For your leaders +of the Ecclesia, who are democrats and will not consult the +people, and whom you praise, will ask the Nomothetae for their +opinion three times; and when thereby they are quite satisfied +that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it will +forthwith become law. So that the conclusion is this: that +the leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to +do what they like without consulting anybody. And these +leaders, Askoïthios and his friends, are few in relation to +the mass of the citizens, are they not?”</p> +<p>“They are not many, certainly.”</p> +<p>“That is something to be thankful for,” I +said. “They then, being few, will rule for the time; +and when the few rule, that is oligarchy. Is it not? +Unless perhaps you will say that when your enemies <!-- page +48--><a name="page48"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 48</span>are +in power in the Ecclesia, it is oligarchy; but when your friends +are in power, then it is democracy?”</p> +<p>“Socrates, you are right, for once. That is +precisely what I do say.”</p> +<h2><!-- page 49--><a name="page49"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +49</span>THE TUTOR’S EXPEDIENT</h2> +<p>“Come in” said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: +and two scholars came in. (He knew they were scholars, +because this was his hour for seeing scholars.) One was a +heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall hat. The +other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended +him for an attorney’s clerk; as, indeed, nature had.</p> +<p>“Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?” inquired the +Tutor. The young men bowed. “In what subjects, +may I ask? You, sir” (turning to the spruce youth) +“Mr.—I forget your name—eh? Oh, +thanks—is it Classics? History? Natural +Science, perhaps?”</p> +<p>“Oh no, sir; I hold a ‘Daily Thunderer’ +Scholarship.”</p> +<p>“Exactly: I remember now. You read all through +<i>Tit-Bits</i> for a whole year, and the ‘D. T.’ +pays you—£l,200, isn’t it? The task is a +little dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still, +<i>Tit-Bits</i>—”</p> +<p><!-- page 50--><a name="page50"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +50</span>“It isn’t quite that, sir,” put in the +youth; “it was for the +‘Encyclop—’”</p> +<p>(“I <i>knew</i> it was dear at the price,” the +Tutor murmured.)</p> +<p>‘“—ædia Pananglica,’” +continued the scholar. “My Scholarship is for reading +that. I have it outside, in three packing-cases.”</p> +<p>“The Scholarship?” asked the Tutor, weakly.</p> +<p>“No,” said the scholar; “the +‘Encyclopædia Pananglica.’”</p> +<p>“Well,” the academic dignitary resumed, “and +what have you read? To prepare yourself for a university +career, I mean.”</p> +<p>“The ‘Encyc—’”</p> +<p>“Of course, of course; but anything else? I wish +to know so as to advise you with respect to the direction of your +studies. Have you, for instance, read any Homer?”</p> +<p>“Homer!” the youth replied—“Oh, yes, I +know about Homer. There is a picture of Homer, drawn from +life, and very well reproduced, among the illustrations of the +article ‘Education.’ There is one there of +Comenius, too. Homer and Comenius—”</p> +<p>“Were both educationists, I know,” said the Tutor: +“but not, properly speaking, in the same way. +However—you have not studied the father of <!-- page +51--><a name="page51"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +51</span>poetry in the original, it would appear. Any +Xenophon, perhaps? or Cæsar?”</p> +<p>“I don’t think I know much about Xenophon,” +replied the young man, “but I have a friend who failed in +Cæsar for the Cambridge Locals, and he said it was pretty +easy.”</p> +<p>“Do you know <i>any</i> Greek or Latin at +all?”</p> +<p>“Well, as I came along I bought a Delectus: I was told +it might be helpful for attaining the highest honours.”</p> +<p>“Exactly. You thought it might be helpful—of +course, of course. You were quite right—perfectly, +perfectly correct,” the Tutor murmured, with a faraway look +in his eyes. Then he collected himself, and turned to the +other aspirant. “And you, sir—pardon me, I +didn’t quite catch—eh? Oh, thanks!—what, +may I ask, are the conditions on which you hold <i>your</i> +Scholarship?”</p> +<p>“My education,” replied the heavy young man, +“was completed at the Jabez H. Brown University of +Thessalonica, Maine, U.S.A. I am a recipient of a +Scholarship under the provisions of the will of the Right +Honourable Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist. No +doubt, Professor, you will have heard of him.”</p> +<p>“Ah! a Rhodes Scholar,” said the Tutor. <!-- +page 52--><a name="page52"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +52</span>“That is better—much better. You will, +no doubt, study the Classics. There are those (I am well +aware) who are disposed to object to modern American Scholarship +as an excessive attention to minutiæ: but personally, I +confess, I am no enemy even to a meticulous exactness, which +alone can save us from an incurious and slipshod rhetoric! . . . +And what, then, are the points of scholarship which it has been +your endeavour to elucidate? Have you followed in the steps +of the lamented Professor Drybones of Chicago, who died before he +could prove, by a complete enumeration of all the instances in +Greek literature, that γάρ is never the first word +of a sentence? Have you—”</p> +<p>“Pardon me, Professor,” put in the Rhodes +Scholar. “That ain’t my platform at all. +I may say, I don’t take any stock in literatoor.”</p> +<p>“Am I then to understand,” the Tutor asked, +“that you are <i>not</i> acquainted with the Greek and +Latin Classics?”</p> +<p>“Not considerable,” replied the American. +“In fact, not any.”</p> +<p>“And to what, then, have your studies been +directed?”</p> +<p>“Not to books, Professor. No, nor yet laboratories +and such. I was elected Scholar by the <!-- page 53--><a +name="page53"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 53</span>unanimous +suffrage of my class in Thessalonica, Maine, for Moral +Character. When it comes to Moral Character, you look at +me. That is just where I am on top every time.”</p> +<p>“Moral Character!” exclaimed the Tutor, +aghast. “Oh, dear me! I am afraid that +won’t do at all—here. Moral +Character—well, I hardly know how to put it—but the +fact is that if <i>that</i> is all that you have to rely upon, +you would be sent down within a year infallibly—Oh, +infallibly, I assure you! . . . But,” he continued, +“we must try to think of something for both of you +gentlemen. Could I not give you both a letter of +recommendation to my friend the Master of St. +Cuthbert’s? <i>There</i>, I know, they value very +highly both morality and the ‘Encyclopædia +Pananglica.’ I am sure it would be just the place for +you both. Do let me write!”</p> +<p>“As the Master of Alfred’s sent Cecil Rhodes on to +Auriol?” suggested the spruce young man, innocently.</p> +<p>“As the Master of—why, no,” said the Tutor, +“I think that won’t do, after all. Really, I +believe, we must try to keep you at Boniface.” +Boniface had suffered severely from agricultural +depression. “Well, gentlemen—come to me again +two hours <!-- page 54--><a name="page54"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 54</span>hence, and we will try to think of +something for you. Good morning!”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Tutor was in a sad quandary. Paid as he was by +results fees, he could not afford to receive pupils who would +disgrace him in the Schools. Yet it had always been his +creed that a College must adapt itself to existing circumstances, +and be instinct with the Zeit Geist.</p> +<p>For a long time he remained wrapt in meditation.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>Two hours elapsed, and the Tutor was again confronted with the +twin aspirants to academic honours. He regarded them with +the mien of one visibly relieved from a load of care. +“These papers, gentlemen,” he said, pointing to +certain documents which lay upon the tutorial table, +“relate to a project of which you have doubtless +heard—I refer to the extension of our Public Schools into +the remoter regions of the British Empire. They are +reprinted from Mr. Sargant’s admirable letter to the +<i>Times</i>, and the leading article on the subject. You +are acquainted with them—No? Then pray take the +papers: you will find them most instructive and agreeable reading +during the voyage.”</p> +<p><!-- page 55--><a name="page55"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +55</span>“The—the voyage?” exclaimed the Rhodes +Scholar.</p> +<p>“Certainly,” said the Tutor, “during the +voyage. During the long afternoons when you are steaming +over the oily calm of the Bay of Biscay, or being propelled (by +friendly natives) down the rushing waters of +the—ah—Congo. What I am proposing is that you +two gentlemen should become members of our Branch Establishment +in Timbuctoo. You <i>must</i> have heard of it! When +schemes so beneficial to the Empire are mooted, was it likely +that the Colleges of our great Imperial Universities would not +take the lead in the van of progress? And when Eton, +Harrow, and Giggleswick have founded institutions, similar to +themselves in every respect except that of mere locality, in +Asia, Africa, and Australasia, was the College of St. Boniface to +be a laggard? Assuredly not. Gentlemen, I commend you +to our Alma Mater beyond the seas.”</p> +<p>“But, Professor,” the Rhodes Scholar objected, +“I was sent here across the salt water dish to join the +College of St. Boniface. They were kind of sot upon that in +Thessalonica. I guess they will be disappointed, some, if I +ain’t made a professing member of St. Boniface.”</p> +<p>“But you will be, my dear sir—you will be!” +<!-- page 56--><a name="page56"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +56</span>cried the Tutor, with vehemence, “a member of St. +Boniface-in-Timbuctoo: Sancti Bonifacii Collegii apud +Timbuctooenses alumnus: it is precisely the same thing. You +have doubtless read, in the course of your historical +investigations, how Eton is really an offshoot of Winchester: is +Eton not a public school? Of course it is. Similarly, +in the Middle Ages a portion of the University broke off and +migrated to Stamford. Was it Oxford any the less because it +happened to be at Stamford? Not the least. The two +institutions—St. Boniface in Oxford and St. Boniface in +Timbuctoo—are precisely identical. When you gentlemen +in future years are competing for—and I trust, I am sure, +obtaining—positions of distinction and emolument in the +great world, you will be entitled to describe yourselves as +Boniface Men. You can drop the ‘Apud +Timbuctooenses’ if you like: the omission will not be +considered fraudulent. But I see no reason why you +<i>should</i> drop it. Personally, I should glory in +it. Had I won a scholarship for Moral Character, I would go +to Timbuctoo to-morrow! There, it seems to me, is your +special sphere. In Oxford, Moral Character is so frequent +as to be a drug, a positive drug: but in Timbuctoo the possession +is precious in proportion to its rarity.”</p> +<p><!-- page 57--><a name="page57"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +57</span>“But have they got the Tone and the Tradition +there, sir?” asked the holder of a ‘Daily +Thunderer’ Scholarship. “That would be, for me, +very important. My family were especially +anxious—”</p> +<p>“Assuredly they have got the Tone and the +Tradition. <i>Coelum non animum mutant</i>—you have +met with that, probably, in the ‘Encyclopædia +Pananglica.’ Absolutely unimpaired, I assure +you. We take great pains about that. Just an +instance—the Visitor is the Bishop of Barchester, just as +here with us: the local King wanted to be Visitor, but of course +we couldn’t allow that. Imagine—a Visitor with +fifty-three wives, not to mention! It wouldn’t have +done at all: the Tone <i>must</i> have suffered. We are in +constant communication (wireless, of course) with the Timbuctoo +Branch: we are always being consulted. Only this morning we +had to deal rather severely with an undergraduate member of the +College—aboriginal, as many of them are—who insisted +on playing the tom-tom in prohibited hours. Of course, we +must back up the Dean, and in case of—emergency, we replace +him and compensate his relations.”</p> +<p>“You speak, sir,” said the student of the +Encyclopædia, “of a local King. I understood +that the College was on British territory.”</p> +<p><!-- page 58--><a name="page58"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +58</span>“The British Empire,” replied the Tutor, +“includes Hinterlands. This is a Hinterland. It +is consequently from time to time the duty of the local college +authorities to assist the British Resident at the Court of +Timbuctoo in pulling down the French, German, Italian, Russian, +and Portuguese flags, all of which have been occasionally +erected. But the country is practically annexed. We +are—ah—suzerains.”</p> +<p>“I understand, Professor, from your observation relative +to the tom-tom,” put the American scholar, “that the +students of your College are subjected to the regular British +discipline? That would be kind of essential for me. +Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist, was particularly +anxious that I should have the full advantages of your fine old +high-toned mediæval College rules. You have +regulations, I presume?”</p> +<p>“The regulations,” replied the Don, “are +framed (as exactly as possible in the circumstances) on the lines +with which we are familiar in Oxford. It has not been +advisable, so far, to establish the Proctorial system in its +entirety throughout the capital of Timbuctoo; but within the +walls of St. Boniface (or perhaps in strict truth I should say +within the Zariba) the strictest discipline prevails. <!-- +page 59--><a name="page59"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +59</span>Clothing is essential—if not worn, at least +carried in the hand—for attendance in Hall and at +lectures. Morning chapel is obligatory: conscientious +objectors, if aborigines, may keep a private fetish in their +rooms. Cannibalism is only permitted if directly authorized +by the Dean, after a personal interview.”</p> +<p>This appeared to satisfy the Rhodes Scholar; his companion +wished further to know whether residence in a Colonial College +could be regarded as a step on the Educational Ladder. His +friends, he said, had impressed upon him that his function in +life was to climb the Educational Ladder.</p> +<p>“The ladder to which you refer,” explained the +Tutor, “can be scaled as well in Africa as in +England. In fact, better; there are distinctly greater +facilities. In view of the regrettable inadequacy (at +present) of any organized system of primary education in +Timbuctoo, secondary education has been obliged to modify some of +its standards. The University of Oxford, never backward in +the march of progress, is prepared to make the requisite +concessions; and, as a result, you will find that the highest +honours are attainable without any acquaintance with the ordinary +subjects of our curriculum. It is, I should say, the very +place for you. Remember, too, that the very largest +latitude is allowed—nay, encouraged—<!-- page 60--><a +name="page60"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 60</span>in the choice +of special subjects qualifying for the M.A. degree; and what a +field you will find! The habits of residents—indeed, +of some among your own fellow students—are most interesting +to the student of Anthropology! while investigations among the +flora and fauna of this country must be fraught with the most +delightful potentialities. I confess, I envy you. I +do not think I am saying too much if I assure you that this +University will be ready and willing to confer upon you, not only +the ordinary M.A. degree, but a Doctorate of Science or +Letters!</p> +<p>“Then,” continued the Tutor, “as to +recreations; <i>neque semper arcum tendit Apollo</i>—I beg +your pardon, I mean to say that you cannot always be studying the +domestic habits of the hippopotamus under a microscope. +Sports and games you will find plentiful and interesting. +There is head-hunting, for instance—”</p> +<p>“Hunting the head of the college, do you mean, +Professor?” asked the American.</p> +<p>“Certainly not,” replied the Don, with +dignity. “That would not, under any circumstances, be +permitted. If it were the Dean, now—but, oh no, +certainly not the Head. What I refer to is the pursuit and +collection of decapitated human heads, belonging generally to +personal enemies of the <!-- page 61--><a name="page61"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 61</span>collector; it is a sport common in +Borneo, and among other interesting, if primitive, +nationalities. This pastime is, I understand, a favourite +one with some students of the college. It is practised, I +need hardly say, under the very strictest supervision; there must +be a certificate signed by the British Resident, and a special +written recommendation from the Director of the Craniological +Department of the Museum. Under such restriction abuse is, +of course, impossible. Then, again, there is golf; and it +is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides +perhaps the finest natural golf links in the world.”</p> +<p>“Well, Professor,” said the American, “I +guess I will start. But how are we going to get right +there, now? On the cars?”</p> +<p>“By the Cape to Cairo railway, when it is open,” +the Tutor answered. “There will be a branch +line. At present, the main line is, as you are aware, +incomplete, and the branch is—well, in course of +construction. Passengers are conveyed by motor. Or, +if not by motor, by ox-waggon; trekking by the latter method is, +I believe, the safer way; both, however, are, I understand, most +commodious. I may explain to you that the present is a +particularly auspicious occasion for your journey; you will +travel <!-- page 62--><a name="page62"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 62</span>in the company of the new Junior +Dean, whose society, I am sure, you will find delightful. +His predecessor, a personal friend of my own, succumbed, I grieve +to say, a few months ago—owing to the alleged inadequate +supply of beef-steaks at a ‘Torpid’ breakfast. . . . +Painful, but apparently inevitable. I need hardly say, the +perpetrators of this insult have been rusticated for a whole +term.”</p> +<p>“Is the Junior Dean a coloured person—a +nigger?” asked the Rhodes Scholar.</p> +<p>“<i>All</i> the College officials,” explained the +Don, “are, in the highest and best sense of the word, white +men. Some of the Ordinary Fellows, it is true—Mr. +Sargant’s scheme contemplated, you see, the election to +fellowships of persons of local distinction. But our +officials are, without exception, Oxford men. It would be +impossible, otherwise, to preserve the Tone and the +Tradition.”</p> +<p>“And now, gentlemen,” he continued, “I must +not keep you too long. Procrastination is the thief of +time, eh? and besides, your boat leaves Southampton +to-morrow. All expenses on the journey refunded by the +Timbuctoo Bursar, on application. Are your boxes +unpacked? No? Then all you have to do is to alter the +labels.”</p> +<p>“About the ‘Encyclopædia,’” said +the spruce <!-- page 63--><a name="page63"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 63</span>youth. “It is in three +packing cases—a bit ’eavy. Will carriage be +paid?”</p> +<p>“Oh certainly, certainly,” replied the +Tutor. “Of course, I <i>might</i> relax our +regulation about bonfires in the quadrangle—but no, no, I +am sure you will find it most useful, even up-to-date—in +Timbuctoo. <i>Good</i> morning!”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Tutor, with a sigh of relief, renewed his perusal of the +“Itinerarium” of Nemesianus. Nemesianus, honest +man! did not know where Timbuctoo was. Nor, for the matter +of that, did the Tutor.</p> +<h2><!-- page 64--><a name="page64"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +64</span>THE END AND OBJECT—</h2> +<p>“It is always interesting,” said my friend, +Feedingspoon, “to consider the various stages of the +process by which knowledge is disseminated. An inscription +(we will say) or an important textual variation is discovered: it +is then misinterpreted to fit a preconceived theory; then it is +introduced into a cheap German edition, for the School-Use +explained. Subsequently, an English school-book is copied +from the German: the English commentary is imparted (by me) to +undergraduates, in the form of lectures; and the +undergraduates’ notes are presently submitted to an +examiner in the Schools, who marks them <i>a</i>—?, and +says they show evidence of some original research. By how +many degrees, do you suppose, is the examiner removed from the +truth?”</p> +<p>“It depends,” I said, “whether he be a D.D., +an M.A., or a D.Litt. But I do not understand the necessity +of the lecturer. Cannot your undergraduate read the English +book for himself?”</p> +<p><!-- page 65--><a name="page65"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +65</span>“No,” he replied, “he cannot. +There are, of course, exceptional persons. But the ordinary +man’s mind is so constructed that he is incapable of +comprehending that which is seen by the eyes unless it be also +heard by the ears. Moreover, when he is not safely shut up +in a lecture-room, he is almost always compelled to be either +eating, or playing football, or meeting his maternal uncle at the +station. Lastly, if the student could read for himself, +there would be no need of a lecturer: which is absurd.</p> +<p>“Such being the admitted theory of education,” +continued Feedingspoon, “I feel that I am necessary to the +machinery of the Universe. The position which I occupy is +at the same time one of some labour. This morning, for +instance, I rose late (having been occupied till past midnight in +reading to my pupils selections from the <i>Poetics</i> of +Aristotle, in order that they might sleep soundly and wake +refreshed): hence, I was unable to follow my usual practice, +which is, to call my alumni at 6.30, to accompany them in a walk +before breakfast, and map out the scheme of reading which they +are to follow until luncheon. I only trust that this +isolated omission of a plain duty may not wreck their +futures! As a result of my somnolence, I had but ten +minutes in which to prepare two lectures on <!-- page 66--><a +name="page66"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 66</span>subjects of +which I had previously been ignorant; but, thanks to Mr. +Gow’s <i>Handbook to School Classics</i>—a work with +which my pupils are unfamiliar because I have not yet told them +to read it—I succeeded in displaying an erudition which, in +the circumstances, was creditable. Since the conclusion of +my lectures, I have been employed in visiting the candidates whom +I am preparing for examination, and encouraging them to continue +their studies. Personal attention is indispensable to the +true educator. But I must confess that I am somewhat dashed +and embarrassed by the receipt of a request from Tomkins, a +scholar of this College, that I should discontinue my daily +inspection of his reading, as he wishes to have time to do some +work: coupled with a letter from the Senior Tutor, who wishes to +know if I do not think that a little more individual attention is +advisable in the case of Tomkins. . . .</p> +<p>“I must now,” he said, “ask you to excuse +me. The representatives of my College are about to play a +football match in the Parks: and although the game is one with +the rules of which I have never been able to familiarize myself, +and in which, between ourselves, I take no interest whatever, I +conceive that my absence from the crowd of spectators might <!-- +page 67--><a name="page67"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +67</span>well loosen that sympathy between myself and the junior +members of the College, without which they must infallibly meet +the fate of the man who reads his books for himself and neglects +the dictation of his Tutor. Moreover, I have to spend the +later part of the afternoon in reading the Cr--, I should say, +the admirable and scholarly version of Professor Jebb—to +three Commoners who are taking up Sophocles for Honour +Moderations.”</p> +<p>“Your day,” I said, “seems indeed to be +somewhat occupied. Let me at least hope that the work which +you are doing will win you the applause of the learned, and a +place among the Educationists of the century.”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>On leaving Feedingspoon, it happened that the first man whom I +met was Fadmonger, <i>the</i> Fadmonger, the one with a +Continental reputation. He had been ordered to play golf in +the morning, and was returning from the links. As we walked +together towards the North of Oxford, I was about to repeat to +him the substance of my conversation with Feedingspoon. But +on my mentioning the latter’s name, Fadmonger interposed, +and said that he really could not trust himself to speak on that +subject. He then discoursed upon it at great <!-- page +68--><a name="page68"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +68</span>length, using the most violent language about +Obscurantism, Packed Boards, the Tutorial Profession, Sacrifice +of Research to Examination, Frivolous Aims and Obsolete Methods, +and the like.</p> +<p>“What,” he cried indignantly, “are we to +think of a curriculum—so called—which includes the +<i>Republic</i> of Plato and excludes the <i>Onomasticon</i> of +Julius Pollux?”</p> +<p>“Assuredly,” I replied, “there can be only +one opinion about it.”</p> +<p>“Exactly,” he said; “you are one of the few +sensible men I know. Our methods, I can tell you, are +getting us into serious discredit abroad. I should just +like you to hear the things which are said about Literæ +Humaniores by Professor Jahaleel Q. Potsherds of Johns Hopkins, +and Doctor Grabenrauber of Weissnichtwo. They think very +little of this University at Johns Hopkins.”</p> +<p>“Indeed,” I said; “I am pained to hear +it.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” replied Fadmonger; “it worries me a +good deal. I have almost resolved to give up the rest of my +lectures for the Term, and go to the Riviera for a complete +change. . . .</p> +<p>“No,” he continued, after a pause, “there is +nothing to be hoped from the College Tutor. Obscurantist he +is, and obscurantist he will remain: <!-- page 69--><a +name="page69"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 69</span>he is our +great impediment to serious study—study, that is, of +anything except so-called classical texts. It is to the +young student that we must look for salvation. Do you know +young Frawde of my College? I have had most interesting +talks with him—a really able man, but of course quite +misunderstood by his tutors: able men always are.”</p> +<p>“He is, I suppose,” said I, “reading for a +Final Honour School.”</p> +<p>“Of course he is doing nothing of the kind,” +Fadmonger replied with some warmth. “In the present +degraded condition of Honour Greats it is quite unworthy of a +serious student. He is at present preparing to take a pass +degree: and after that he thinks of going abroad to devote +himself seriously to a course of Tymborychology. A most +interesting young man, with admirably sound ideas on the present +state of the Schools. . . .”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>It happens that I know Frawde: and when I next met him I +commented with some surprise on his new departure. Frawde +was quite candid, and said it had been necessary to do something +in order to patch up his much-ploughed character before +Collections. He had been plausible, and Fadmonger +credulous.</p> +<p><!-- page 70--><a name="page70"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +70</span>“And really, you know, the Fadder wasn’t +half a bad chap”—he had given Frawde a recommendation +to read in the Bodder—“and I am going there +too,” said the serious student, “as soon as I can +find out where it is: but nobody seems to know. After all, +lots of chaps go abroad after their degraggers: why +shouldn’t I have a spade and dig in Egypt or Mesopotamia or +somewhere, same as anybody else? Eh?”</p> +<p>And, upon my word, I really don’t see why he +shouldn’t.</p> +<h2><!-- page 71--><a name="page71"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +71</span>THE TORTURED TUTOR:<br /> +A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD</h2> +<p>“The question is,” said Pluto to the deceased +Tutor, “which of our penalties we can assign to you. +Something you must have, you know: it’s the rule of the +place.”</p> +<p>“Sorry to hear you say so,” replied the +Tutor. “I <i>had</i> hoped that perhaps I might be +allowed a little quiet to enjoy the pleasant warmth—my +doctor really sent me here as an alternative to Algiers—and +possibly throw in a little journalistic work which would +advertise you in the evening papers. You’re not known +enough up there.”</p> +<p>“Not known? Why, surely you yourself must often +have been recommended to—”</p> +<p>“Of course, of course,” the Tutor hastily +interrupted,—“but not by any one whose opinion or +advice I at all respected. Whereas if I might just have +leisure to look round and jot things down, now that I am here, I +could put you in touch with specialists who—”</p> +<p><!-- page 72--><a name="page72"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +72</span>“Now, look here,” said the Monarch, +“if you’re going to stay here at all, you must please +to remember that this isn’t a University. I simply +won’t have idlers loafing round wasting their own time and +demoralizing society with their lazy habits. Pardon my +abruptness” (he continued, more mildly), “but with +all the exclusiveness in the world I can’t prevent our +getting a little mixed now and then, and if people come here with +academic ideas I really couldn’t be responsible for order +and morality. We should be as Anglo-Indian as Olympus in no +time.”</p> +<p>“Very true! very true!” said the Shade. +“I quite see. Satan finds some mischief +still—eh? as I used to say when I was a Dean. Since +you really insist on it, I suppose there <i>had</i> better be +some trifling torture by way of occupation. Only look +here—it mustn’t be any of the things I used to do up +above. Quite absurd, you know, to go on reading the same +books you did at school—no, I mean, to be made to continue +on the same old lines I followed before I came up—down, I +should say. It’s so monotonous, and it isn’t +improving.”</p> +<p>“Well,” said Pluto, “we’ll see what +can be done, on that assumption. It does rather limit +possibilities, though, doesn’t it? You see I have to +<!-- page 73--><a name="page73"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +73</span>confess that, considering it’s the nineteenth +century, we are a little behind the times—no great variety +in the matter of punishments.”</p> +<p>“Why don’t you bring them up to date?” asked +the visitor.</p> +<p>“Practically,” he replied, “it’s a +question of expense. With funds, I could do much +more. Roasting over a slow fire, for instance, is good: +they have that in another place: but just think of the coal +bill! Then viva-voceing and vivisecting without +anæsthetics are of course admirable; but the cost of expert +labour involved would be ruinous. Result is, that nearly +all my penalties are self-acting and consequently simple in +design; and, on the whole, except in the case of +<i>blasés</i> people who come here with a too varied +experience, they answer tolerably well.”</p> +<p>“All right,” said the Tutor, “suggest an +occupation.”</p> +<p>“Let me see,” said the Ruler of the Shades, and he +pondered a few moments. “How would it be, now, if you +were to take a turn with our friend Sisyphus? He rolls a +big stone up a hill, and just as he thinks it’s going to +get to the top, down it comes again—most +disappointing. Quite inexpensive, and very healthy, +<i>I</i> should say, and really, <!-- page 74--><a +name="page74"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 74</span>as an +object-lesson in the force of gravity, not +uninstructive.”</p> +<p>“Won’t do at all,” replied the Tutor. +“In the Vacations I was always walking up hills and having +to come down before I got to the top. Then in the Term I +used to teach Logic to passmen; and really, if you +think—”</p> +<p>“Yes, yes,” Pluto agreed; “the occupations +would be practically identical. Of course, that won’t +suit you. Well, then, there’s Ixion, who goes round +on a wheel.”</p> +<p>“I’m a bicyclist myself,” objected the +Tutor.</p> +<p>“Are you? Pity, too, because Ixion says his +wheel’s old-fashioned; he wants a new one with pneumatic +tyres warranted puncturable, which shows that he is really +entering into the spirit of the thing. You might have had +his old one for a song, I’m sure. However, what do +you say to calling on those Danaid girls, and getting them to +teach you their little industry? There, again, you have +simplicity itself. Take a can with a hole in the bottom, go +on pouring water into it—”</p> +<p>“I thought I told you,” murmured the deceased, +wearily, “that I have followed the profession of +teaching.”</p> +<p>“Very true; I had forgotten. Don’t know what +<!-- page 75--><a name="page75"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +75</span>we can do to suit you, really! Perhaps you’d +like to imitate Theseus—<i>sedet aeternumque sedebit</i>, +as Virgil said. Astonishing how Virgil picked these details +up! There’s old Theseus, sitting like a hen. +They say he’s as tired of sitting as if he were a +rowing-man.”</p> +<p>“As an ex-member of the Board of the Faculty of +Arts—” began the Tutor.</p> +<p>“Ah, dear me!” replied Pluto. “Then +that won’t do either? Those Boards must be excellent +from my point of view. I have often wished I had one or two +down here. But I’m really afraid we’re getting +to the end of the list. And, you know, if we can’t +provide you with anything, back you’ll have to go. +<i>I</i> won’t keep you, eating your head off. But, +talk of eating! shall I put you up beside Prometheus, and ask his +eagle to do a little overtime work by taking a turn at your +liver? I am afraid we could hardly stand you a private +eagle all to yourself. It is said to be quite painful; I +really don’t think you can have gone through that, with all +your experience.”</p> +<p>“Oh yes I have,” returned the Tutor; “a long +course of Hall dinners has familiarized me with every possibility +in the way of liver trouble. The eagle business would be +the merest <i>crambe repetita</i>.”</p> +<p><!-- page 76--><a name="page76"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +76</span>“Bless the man!” cried Pluto, justly +provoked. “Very well; then you can’t stay here, +that’s all. I’ve given you all the alternatives +Hades has at its disposal, and you tell us you have been through +them all in your University! All I can say is, you had +better go back to it, and stay there.”</p> +<p>“The Bursar,” said the Tutor, “will not be +best pleased to see me again. He thinks he has got my +Fellowship, and is going to use it for the benefit of the College +farms. I can tell you he won’t like it one bit when I +reappear at the College Meeting.”</p> +<p>“The Bursar and I shall have plenty of time for an +explanation—later,” said Pluto.</p> +<h2><!-- page 77--><a name="page77"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +77</span>THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL <a name="citation77"></a><a +href="#footnote77" class="citation">[77]</a></h2> +<p>I have been a good deal distressed lately by the reverses of +my friend John Bull, who is one of the leading tradesmen in this +town. Everybody knows his establishment. It does a +very large business indeed: you can get practically everything +there—coals, Lee-Metford rifles, chocolate, biscuits, +steam-engines, Australian mutton, home and colonial produce of +every kind, in short. My old friend is tremendously proud +of his shop, which, as he says, he has made what it is by strict +honesty (and really for an enterprising tradesman he is fairly +honest) and attention to business principles. He has put a +deal of capital into it, and spares no expense in advertising; in +fact, he keeps a regular department for poetry, which is written +on the premises and circulated among customers and others, and +explains in the most beautiful language that the house in +Britannia Road is the place to go to for everything. <!-- +page 78--><a name="page78"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +78</span>John, who prides himself on his literary taste, +considers this to be the finest poetry ever written; and Mrs. +Bull reads it out to him in the evening before he has his regular +snooze after supper.</p> +<p>Everything was going on swimmingly until this unfortunate +Hooligan trouble began. I must explain to you that Mr. Bull +owns a great deal more property than the actual premises where he +transacts business. Somehow or other, in course of time he +has become the proprietor of bits and scraps all over the town +and suburbs—tenements, waste lands, eligible building +sites, warehouses, and what not—the whole making up what, +if it was put together, would be a very considerable +estate. How it all came into John Bull’s hands nobody +knows properly; indeed, I don’t think he does +himself. Some of it was bought, and bought pretty dear +too. Some of it was left to him. A good deal of it +he—one doesn’t like using the word, but +still—well, in fact, took; but, mind you, he always took +everything for its good, and for the ultimate benefit of society, +not for any selfish reasons; so that to call Mr. Bull a pirate, +as Dubois does who keeps the toy-shop over the way, is manifestly +absurd. Anyhow, it is a very fine property, and would be +bigger still if Jonathan C., a cousin of the family, hadn’t +<!-- page 79--><a name="page79"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +79</span>taken off a good slice which used to belong to John.</p> +<p>As I was saying, this property is a very large straggling +affair, most of it a long way off from the shop. Its owner +finds it very hard to look after every part; all the more so, +because this town has no regular police, and is therefore +continually troubled by gangs of roughs, who go about breaking +windows and even heads, and doing damage generally. They +are always giving a great deal of trouble to the Bull people; and +what makes it worse is that very often they are actually tenants +on the property, who ought to know better. One of these +Hooligan crowds lately made a dead set against poor John; it was +all the harder because to my personal knowledge he had shown +himself most kind and forgiving to various members of this +particular gang; and once before, when they came and broke his +windows, he refused to prosecute, and simply gave them five +shillings to drink Mrs. Bull’s health and not do it +again. That is the kind of man he is, sometimes. In +spite of this indulgent and charitable treatment, they came the +other day and made a raid into an outlying corner of his property +and did all sorts of damage; and not content with this, they +actually squatted there on land which was no more theirs <!-- +page 80--><a name="page80"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +80</span>than it is mine (I am thankful to say), where they +insulted and even assaulted innocent passers-by, and levied +blackmail on John Bull’s adjacent tenants, and, in short, +became the terror of the neighbourhood and a disgrace to +civilization. And when Mr. Bull’s watchman (I told +you there is no regular police force, and everybody has to look +after himself), when Thomas Atkins, I say, came with orders to +turn them out, they told him to go—I hardly like to say +where—and absolutely refused to stir; quite the contrary; +they hid themselves behind rubbish-heaps and hoardings and such +like, and threw things at Thomas; and when he tried to catch +them, they ran away and hid behind more hoardings, so that when +you thought they were in one place they were always somewhere +else, and the poor watchman got so knocked about with stones and +brickbats that the next morning, when he came round to the shop +to report progress, he had a black eye, and a cut head, and a +torn coat, and a nasty bruise on one of his legs. Mrs. Bull +had to patch up his coat and give him some arnica and +vaseline.</p> +<p>Poor Mr. Atkins! He is a most respectable man, and an +excellent watchman, as was his father before him. It is a +tradition of the Atkins family that they are as brave as lions, +and do not know what <!-- page 81--><a name="page81"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 81</span>fear is; but unfortunately they are +not always very clever, and Thomas is a little slow at learning, +and does not pick up new tricks readily. His father had a +tremendous hammer-and-tongs battle with the Dubois’ +watchman once, right in the middle of the public +street—thirty-six rounds or so they had of it—and +licked him, as John Bull says, in true British style; and that is +always Thomas’s way, and the only thing that he understands +properly; none of your underhand dodges like hiding behind places +and throwing brickbats when one isn’t looking. So +that the Hooligan ways of fighting were quite too much for him at +first. And although Mr. Bull spent a lot of money in buying +him a new watchman’s rattle and a very expensive +second-hand truncheon, nearly as good as the best kind, still it +was all no good, and Thomas couldn’t turn the invaders +out.</p> +<p>All this time you must not suppose that Mr. Bull’s +neighbours had nothing to say about the matter. On the +contrary, they were very much interested and, I am sorry to say, +pleased. Dubois the Frenchman, and Müller, the man who +keeps the World’s Cheap Emporium, and Alexis Ivanovitch, +the big cornfactor in the next street who is always maltreating +his workmen, were never tired of saying <!-- page 82--><a +name="page82"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 82</span>nasty things +about Mr. Bull and crowing over the mishaps of Mr. Atkins. +Everybody knows what a terrible quarrel there was some years ago +between Müller and Dubois, and how Müller went into the +toyshop and thrashed the Frenchman then and there, so that poor +Dubois had to go to bed for a week, and for a long time +afterwards used to go about vowing vengeance. But this +didn’t in the least prevent the two from fraternizing on +the common ground of enmity to John Bull. They would +meet—by accident, of course—just under his windows, +and then Müller would say, very loud, to Dubois, “Is +it not ridiculous, my friend, that this once apparently so mighty +Herr Bull and his watchman should again by the Hooliganish crowd +have been defeated?” Or perhaps, “This is what +comes of your big businesses and your straggling premises with no +one to protect them. How much better to have a small +compact business (though it’s not so small either, mind +you) like my Emporium, by a large number of properly trained +watchmen defended!” And Dubois would say,—so +that it annoyed the Bull household very much +indeed,—“Behold the fruits of being a pirate and a +robber. Conspuez M. Atkins! Justice for ever! +À bas les Juifs!” (he always says that now when he +is angry—<!-- page 83--><a name="page83"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 83</span>goodness only knows why). +Indeed Dubois got so excited that he actually thought of breaking +John’s windows, though on reflection he decided that he +wouldn’t do it just yet. And John was very cross with +Atkins and the shopboy, and even with Mrs. Bull and his son J. +Wellington Bull, and caused it to be generally known that he +would knock Dubois’s head off for sixpence if he got the +chance. Then Paddy Gilhooly, who is a tenant of the +Bulls’, in Hibernia Road—and a shocking bad tenant, +too, who never pays any rent when he can help it, and keeps his +premises in a disgraceful condition, with a lot of pigs and +poultry running about in the front parlour—this Paddy must +needs put his finger in the pie and turn against his own +landlord, so that whenever Mr. Atkins came along Hibernia Road +Paddy would put his head out of window and shout, +“Hooligans for iver! More power to th’ +inimy! Crunchy aboo!” and other similar observations, +of which no one took the least notice, because it was the way +with the Gilhooly family. Still, it was very ungrateful of +Paddy, after all John’s kindness to him; besides being +painful to Mr. Atkins, who is a near cousin of the Gilhoolys and +would not wish to be disgraced by the conduct of his +relations. I don’t know why it is, but somehow or +other Mr. <!-- page 84--><a name="page84"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 84</span>Bull has not the gift of making +himself generally popular. Time after time he has lent +Paddy money; and as for Müller and Dubois, if they want good +advice on the proper conduct of their business, they know where +to come for it: but they don’t seem to appreciate the +privilege. In short, if it wasn’t for that little +bankrupt wine merchant Themistocles Papageorgios, whom John saved +some time ago from the consequences of litigation with a Turkish +firm, I doubt if my poor friend has one sincere wellwisher among +all the townsmen.</p> +<p>However, I am glad to say that most of them have begun to +change their tune lately, thanks to Mr. Bull’s luck being +on the mend. Thomas Atkins did not make a very good start, +certainly; but as time went on he learnt a number of new tricks, +and the violent exercise which he had to take put him into +excellent training. Moreover, some cousins of the Bulls +showed a very proper family spirit, and sent the eldest son, +Larry, to help Mr. Atkins. So, what with Thomas being, so +to speak, a new man, and Larry being very strong and active, and +the shopboy coming out to lend a hand when required, the three +between them began to turn the tables. They caught two or +three of the marauders at last, and had them locked up; and I +sincerely hope and trust that <!-- page 85--><a +name="page85"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 85</span>they will do +the same with all the rest very soon. This seems to have +produced a great change in the sentiments of Mr. Bull’s +fellow-citizens. Müller is not nearly so contemptuous +as he used to be about Atkins; and Dubois, I suppose, has +remembered that he is going to have a big summer sale this year, +and that it would be very embarrassing, under the circumstances, +to be embroiled with an influential person like this brave M. +Bull, as he calls him now. Only Ivanovitch is still very +sulky and goes on using violent expressions. I am afraid +there will be trouble yet between my poor friend and the +cornfactor—though goodness knows the town ought to be big +enough to hold both of them. But the fact is they have both +got mortgages on a china shop in the suburbs which is in a bad +way financially, and it makes them as jealous of each other as +possible.</p> +<p>Evidently this Hooligan affair is not going to last for ever; +and, on the whole, if things don’t get worse, Bull may +congratulate himself on having done pretty well so far. But +it has hit him rather hard. What with buying things for Mr. +Atkins and paying him for working overtime, and having had to put +up new fire-proof shutters, and sending out the shopboy away from +his duties to help Atkins and Larry, he has lost a deal of money, +one way and <!-- page 86--><a name="page86"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 86</span>another; and besides, as he is very +much afraid of this kind of thing happening again, it looks as if +the whole business of the shop were going to be put on a +different footing. For here is J. Wellington Bull, who was +to have helped behind the counter, going out now to do +watchman’s duty with the others; and as likely as not the +old man himself will have to take to patrolling his property +instead of looking after his customers; so that, in all +probability, there will be no one but Mrs. B. to see after the +shop. And, as John said to me the other day, these are no +times for leaving a business to be managed by old women.</p> +<p>He says he has seen enough of that kind of thing.</p> +<h2><!-- page 87--><a name="page87"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +87</span>THE NATION IN ARMS</h2> +<p class="poetry">This is the tale that is told of an almost +universally respected Minister,<br /> +Who, being fully aware of the views of Continental Potentates, +and their plans ambitious and sinister,<br /> +For the better defence of his native land, and to free her from +continual warlike alarms,<br /> +Determined that he would popularize the conception (and a very +good one too) of a Nation in Arms!<br /> +Now this is the way he proceeded to fan the flame of patriot +ardour—<br /> +(This metre looks at first as easy to write as blank verse, or +Walt Whitman, but is in reality considerably harder),—<br +/> +He assured his crowded audience that, while everyone must +deprecate a horrid, militant, Jingoist attitude,<br /> +Not to serve one’s country—at least on Saturday +afternoons—was the very blackest ingratitude:<br /> +<!-- page 88--><a name="page88"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +88</span>Death on the battlefield,—or at least the expense +of buying a uniform,—was the patriots’ chiefest +glory;<br /> +Dulce et decorum est (said the statesman, amid thunderous cheers) +pro patria mori!<br /> +Everyone should be ready to defend his hearth and home, be it +humble cot or family mansion,<br /> +Provided always that he discouraged a tendency to Militarism and +Imperial Expansion:<br /> +That was the habit of mind which a Briton’s primary duty to +stifle was,<br /> +Seeing that the country’s salvation lay rather with the +intelligent, spontaneous, disinterested volunteer who +didn’t care how obsolete the pattern of his rifle was:<br +/> +Too much skill in shooting or drill was a perilous thing, and he +did not mean to acquire it,<br /> +For fear of alarming peace-loving Emperors and such-like by +display of a combative spirit;<br /> +Regular armies tended to that: and in view of the state of +international conditions he<br /> +Meant to cut down our own to the minimum consistent with +Guaranteed Efficiency,—<br /> +Being convinced as he was that an army recruited and trained on a +properly peaceful principle<br /> +Would be wholly (and here comes a rhyme that <!-- page 89--><a +name="page89"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 89</span>won’t +please the mere purist, but I’m sorry to say it’s the +only available one) wholly, I say, and completely invincible!<br +/> +This being so, he did not propose to devise any scheme or with +cut-and-dried details to fetter a<br /> +Patriot Public which quite understood of itself that England +Expects—et cetera.<br /> +After this oratorical burst, as the country next day was informed +by about two hundred reporters,<br /> +The Right Honourable Gentleman resumed his seat amid loud and +continuous applause, having spoken for two hours and three +quarters.<br /> +The Public at once declared with unanimity so remarkable that +nothing would well surpass it<br /> +That patriotic self-sacrifice was a Priceless National Asset:<br +/> +No rational person, they said, could fail to be deeply impressed +by the charms<br /> +Of that truly august conception, a Nation in Arms:<br /> +To become expert in the use of strictly defensive weapons, spear +or sword, Lee-Metford, torpedo, or sabre,<br /> +Was a duty—if not for oneself, yet incumbent without any +shadow of doubt on one’s neighbour;<br /> +Still there were some who might possibly urge that <!-- page +90--><a name="page90"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 90</span>the +world was at peace, and the time was not ripe yet for it,— +<br /> +Besides the undoubted fact that a patriot who was asked to +sacrifice his Saturday half-holiday might legitimately inquire +what he was likely to get for it;<br /> +So on the whole while they recognized quite (what a metre this +is, to be sure!) that the Minister’s scheme was replete +with attraction,<br /> +They decided to wait for a while (what with the danger of +encouraging a spirit of Militarism and a number of other +excellent reasons) before putting his plan into action.<br /> +Then the Continental Potentates—and if I venture at all to +allude to them, it is<br /> +Only to show how all this Nation-in-Arms business may lead to the +most regrettable extremities:<br /> +This part of my poem in short most painful and sad to a lover of +peace is,<br /> +And in fact I believe I can deal with it best by a delicate use +of the figure Aposiopesis—<br /> +However—the net result was that a time arrived when Consols +went down to nothing at all, caddies in thousands were thrown out +of work and professional footballers docked of their salary,<br +/> +<!-- page 91--><a name="page91"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +91</span>And several League matches had to be played at a +lamentable financial loss in the absence of the usual gallery!<br +/> +Then, some time after that (it’s really impossible to say +what happened in between) when business at last had resumed its +usual working,<br /> +And the nation in general was no longer engaged in painfully +realistic manœuvres, on the Downs, between Guildford and +Dorking,—<br /> +Then the public met and resolved like the person whose case is +recorded in fable<br /> +That now that the steed had been stolen (or at least suffered +from exposure to the air) it was high time to close the door of +the stable;<br /> +And that never again no more should their cricket-fields, +football grounds, croquet lawns, bunkers,<br /> +Be profaned by the feet of Cossacks, Chasseurs, Bashi-Bazouks, or +Junkers;<br /> +And I don’t think they talked very big about Nations in +Arms, or inscribed on their banners any particularly inspiring +motto,<br /> +But they learnt to shoot and to drill, not more or less but quite +well—in spite of the dangers of Militarism—for the +plain and simple reason that they’d got to!</p> +<h2><!-- page 92--><a name="page92"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +92</span>THE INCUBUS</h2> +<p class="poetry">Essence of boredom! stupefying Theme!<br /> + Whereon with eloquence less deep than full,<br /> +Still maundering on in slow continuous stream,<br /> + All can expatiate, and all be dull:<br /> +Bane of the mind and topic of debate<br /> + That drugs the reader to a restless doze,<br /> +Thou that with soul-annihilating weight<br /> + Crushest the Bard, and hypnotisest those<br /> +Who plod the placid path of plain pedestrian Prose:</p> +<p class="poetry">Lo! when each morn I carefully peruse<br /> + (Seeking some subject for my painful pen)<br /> +The <i>Times</i>, the <i>Standard</i>, and the <i>Daily +News</i>,<br /> + No other topic floats into my ken<br /> +Save this alone: or Dr. Clifford slates<br /> + Dogmas in general: or the dreadful ban<br /> +Of furious Bishops excommunicates<br /> + Such simple creeds as Birrell, hopeful man!<br /> +Thinks may perhaps appease th’ unwilling Anglican.</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 93--><a name="page93"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 93</span>Lo! at Society’s convivial +board<br /> + (Whereat I do occasionally sit,<br /> +In hope to bear within my memory stored<br /> + Some echo thence of someone else’s wit),<br /> +Or e’er the soup hath yielded to the fish,<br /> + A heavy dulness doth the banquet freeze:<br /> +Lucullus’ self would shun th’ untasted dish<br /> + When lovely woman whispers, “Tell me, +please,<br /> +What <i>are</i> Denominational Facilities?”</p> +<p class="poetry">From scenes like these my Muse would fain +withdraw:<br /> + To Taff’s still Valley be my footsteps led,<br +/> +Where happy Unions ’neath the shield of Law<br /> + Heave bricks bisected at the Blackleg’s +head:<br /> +In those calm shades my desultory oat<br /> + Of Taxed Land Values shall contented trill,<br /> +Of Man ennobled by a Single Vote,—<br /> + In short, I’ll sing of anything you will,<br +/> +Except of thee alone, O Education Bill!</p> +<h2><!-- page 94--><a name="page94"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +94</span>THE WORKING MAN<br /> +(After seeing his Picture in the Press)</h2> +<p class="poetry">Working Man! whose psychic beauty<br /> + (Unattainable by me)<br /> +Still it is my pleasing duty<br /> + Painted by your friends to see,—<br /> +You, whose virtues ne’er can bore us,<br /> + Daily through their list we scan,<br /> +Let me swell th’ admiring chorus,<br /> + Let me hymn the Working Man!</p> +<p class="poetry">You whose Leaders, highly moral,<br /> + Always shocked by war’s alarms,<br /> +Could not in their country’s quarrel<br /> + Contemplate the use of arms,<br /> +Yet, should strikes provide occasion,<br /> + Then by higher promptings led<br /> +Do with more than moral suasion<br /> + Break the erring Blackleg’s head:—</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 95--><a name="page95"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 95</span>You, whose intellectual state is<br +/> + Such that you are aiming at<br /> +Getting all your culture gratis<br /> + (Not that you’re alone in that),—<br /> +Always with the strict injunction<br /> + That whate’er be false or true<br /> +Every teacher’s simple function<br /> + Is to teach what pleases you:—</p> +<p class="poetry">Not to gain by learned labour<br /> + Any sordid <i>quid pro quo</i>:<br /> +Not to rise above your neighbour<br /> + (Comrades ne’er are treated so):<br /> +Not to change your lowly station,<br /> + Not for rank and not for pelf,<br /> +Academic education<br /> + Only, only for itself,—</p> +<p class="poetry">Yet in whose commercial dealings<br /> + Vainly we attempt to find<br /> +Those disinterested feelings<br /> + Which adorn the Student’s mind,—<br /> +Seeing that, O my high-souled brothers!<br /> + There your dream of happiness<br /> +Is (like mine, and several others’)<br /> + Earning more for working less!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 96--><a name="page96"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 96</span>’Tis not that I blame your +getting<br /> + Anything you think you can:<br /> +’Tisn’t that which I’m regretting,<br /> + Noble British Working Man!<br /> +No—although the facts I mention<br /> + Sometimes wake a mild surprise—<br /> +Still—the truth’s beyond contention—<br /> + You are good, and great, and wise:</p> +<p class="poetry">Swell my taxes: stint my fuel:<br /> + Last, to close the painful scene,<br /> +Send me, rather just than cruel,<br /> + Send me to the guillotine:<br /> +Ere the knife bisects my spinal<br /> + Cord, and ends my vital span,<br /> +This shall be my utterance final,<br /> + <i>Bless</i> the British Working Man!</p> +<h2><!-- page 97--><a name="page97"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +97</span>CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM</h2> +<p class="poetry">They tell me the Millennium’s come<br /> + (And I should be extremely glad<br /> +Could I but feel assured, like some,<br /> + It had):<br /> +They tell me of a bright To Be<br /> + When, freed from chains that tyrants forge<br /> +By the Right Honourable D.<br /> + Lloyd George,<br /> +We shall by penalties persuade<br /> + The idle unrepentant Great<br /> +To serve (inadequately paid)<br /> + The State,—<br /> +All working for the general good,<br /> + While painful guillotines confront<br /> +The individual who could<br /> + And won’t:<br /> +But horny-handed sons of toil,<br /> + Who now purvey our meats and drinks,<br /> +Our gardens devastate, and spoil<br /> + Our sinks,<br /> +<!-- page 98--><a name="page98"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +98</span>Shall seldom condescend to take<br /> + That inconsiderable sum<br /> +For which they daily butch, and bake,<br /> + And plumb;<br /> +Such humble votaries of trade<br /> + No more shall follow arts like these;<br /> +Since most of them will then be made<br /> + M.P.s!</p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="poetry">* * * * *</p> +<p class="poetry">And can I then (with some surprise<br /> + You ask) possess my tranquil soul,<br /> +And view with calm indifferent eyes<br /> + The Poll,<br /> +While partisans, in raucous tones,<br /> + With doleful wail or joyful shout<br /> +Proclaim that Brown is in, or Jones<br /> + Is out?<br /> +I can: I do: the reason’s plain:<br /> + That blissful day which prophets paint<br /> +Perhaps may come: perhaps again<br /> + It mayn’t:<br /> +And ere these ages blest begin<br /> + (For Rome, I’ve heard historians say,<br /> +Was only partly finished in<br /> + A day)<br /> +<!-- page 99--><a name="page99"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +99</span>In men of sentiments sublime<br /> + ’Tis possible we yet may trace<br /> +The influence of mellowing Time<br /> + And PLACE:—<br /> +O who can tell? Ere Labour rouse<br /> + Its ever-multiplying hordes<br /> +To mend or end th’ obstructive House<br /> + Of Lords,<br /> +And bid aristocrats begone,<br /> + And their hereditary pelf<br /> +Bestow with generous hand upon<br /> + Itself—<br /> +Why, Mr. George,—his threats forgot<br /> + Which Earls and Viscounts cowering hear,—<br +/> +Himself may be, as like as not,<br /> + A Peer!</p> +<h2><!-- page 100--><a name="page100"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 100</span>FORECAST</h2> +<p class="poetry">Tomkins! when revolving lustres<br /> + Thin those shining locks that now<br /> +Wreathe their hyacinthine clusters<br /> + Round your intellectual brow,—<br /> +You who in your nobler station<br /> + Still are kind enough to seek<br /> +Our political salvation<br /> + Rather more than once a week,—</p> +<p class="poetry">Think you, will your rightful value<br /> + Still be duly understood?<br /> +Will the British Public hail you<br /> + Always great and always good?<br /> +When the Peoples fight for Freedom<br /> + And the tyrant’s rage confront,<br /> +Will they call for you to lead ’em?<br /> + —No, my friend: I fear they won’t.</p> +<p class="poetry">Soon or late are Truth’s apostles<br /> + Laid upon their destined shelf;<br /> +You, who talk of Ancient Fossils,<br /> + Tomkins! will be one yourself:<br /> +<!-- page 101--><a name="page101"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +101</span>Dons and Men with gibe and sneer your<br /> + Ancient crusted ways will view,<br /> +Wondering oft with smile superior<br /> + What’s the use of Things like you!</p> +<p class="poetry">All the schemes that win you glory,<br /> + Meant to mend our mortal mess—<br /> +These will simply brand you Tory,<br /> + Nothing more and nothing less:<br /> +You who waked the world from slumber,<br /> + You, who shone in Progress’ van,<br /> +You’ll be then a mere Back Number,<br /> + Obsolete as good Queen Anne!</p> +<p class="poetry">You I see with zeal excessive<br /> + Dying then for causes, which<br /> +Now (forsooth) you call Progressive,<br /> + In reaction’s Final Ditch:<br /> +By Conservatives in caucus<br /> + (Ardent youth, reflect on that!)<br /> +Sent to stem the horrid raucous<br /> + Clamours of the Democrat . . .</p> +<p class="poetry">No: I do not wish to quarrel<br /> + With your high exalted sense;<br /> +No: there isn’t any moral—<br /> + Not of any consequence:<br /> +<!-- page 102--><a name="page102"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +102</span>Only, ’neath your exhortations<br /> + Passive while we’re doomed to sit,<br /> +Themes like these conduce to patience,—<br /> + And I thought I’d mention it.</p> +<h2><!-- page 103--><a name="page103"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 103</span>PAGEANTS</h2> +<p class="poetry">My Tityrus! and is’t a fact<br /> + (As wondrous facts there are)<br /> +That History’s scenes thou wouldst enact<br /> + Beside the banks of Cher?<br /> +Wilt thou for pomps like these desert<br /> + Thy calm and cloistered lair,<br /> +Not quite so young as once thou wert,<br /> + Nor (pardon me) so fair?</p> +<p class="poetry">We saw thee stalk in youthful prime<br /> + With high Proctorial mien:<br /> +We saw the majesty sublime<br /> + Which marked the Junior Dean;<br /> +O pundit grave! O sage M.A.!<br /> + Say in what happy part<br /> +Thou wilt before the crowd display<br /> + Thy histrionic art!</p> +<p class="poetry">With cranium bald, which ne’er again<br +/> + Will need the barber’s shear,<br /> +Wilt thou present in Charles his train<br /> + Some long-locked Cavalier?<br /> +<!-- page 104--><a name="page104"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +104</span>A sober Don for all to see<br /> + Who once didst walk abroad,<br /> +Wilt now an Ancient Briton be<br /> + And painted blue with woad?</p> +<p class="poetry">Me from such scenes afar remove,<br /> + And hide my shuddering head<br /> +Where Nature doth in field and grove<br /> + Her fairer pageant spread:<br /> +There will I meditating lie<br /> + ’Mid summer’s calm delights,—<br +/> +But thou wilt walk adown the High<br /> + My Tityrus,—in Tights. . . .</p> +<h2><!-- page 105--><a name="page105"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 105</span>RULES FOR FICTION</h2> +<p class="poetry">A Novelist, whose magic art,<br /> +Had plumbed (’twas said) the human heart,<br /> +Whom for the penetrative ken<br /> +Wherewith he probed the souls of men<br /> +The Public and the Public’s wife<br /> +Declared synonymous with Life,—<br /> +Sat idle, being much perplexed<br /> +What Attitude to study next,<br /> +Because he would not wholly tell<br /> +Which Pose was likeliest to sell.<br /> +To him the Muse: “Why seek afar<br /> +For things that on the threshold are?<br /> +Why thus evolve with care and pain<br /> +From your imaginative brain?<br /> +Put Artifice upon the shelf,—<br /> +Take pen and ink, and draw—Yourself!”<br /> +The author heard: he took the hint:<br /> +He photographed himself in print.<br /> +His very inmost self he drew. . . .<br /> +The critics said, “<i>This</i> Will Not Do.<br /> +<!-- page 106--><a name="page106"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +106</span>No more we recognize the art<br /> +Which used to plumb the human heart,—<br /> +This suffers from the patent vice<br /> +Of being not Art but Artifice.<br /> +’Tis deeply with the fault imbued<br /> +Of Inverisimilitude:<br /> +He’s written out; his skill’s forgot:<br /> +He only writes to Boil the Pot!<br /> +It is not true; it will not wash;<br /> +’Tis mere imaginative Bosh;<br /> +And if he can’t” (they told him flat)<br /> +“Get nearer to the Life than that,<br /> +He will not earn the Public’s pelf!”</p> +<p class="poetry">This happens when you draw Yourself.<br /> +Or—I should say—it happens when<br /> +Such portraits are essayed by Men:<br /> +For presently a Lady came<br /> +And did substantially the same.<br /> +(Let everyone peruse this sequel<br /> +Who dreams that Man is Woman’s equal),—<br /> +She with a hand divinely free<br /> +Drew what she thought herself to be:<br /> +It did not much resemble Her<br /> +In moral strength or mental stature—<br /> +Yet did the critics all aver<br /> +It simply teemed with Human Nature!</p> +<h2><!-- page 107--><a name="page107"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 107</span>ART AND LETTERS</h2> +<p class="poetry">In that dim and distant æon<br /> +Known as Ante-Mycenæan,<br /> +When the proud Pelasgian still<br /> +Bounded on his native hill,<br /> +And the shy Iberian dwelt<br /> +Undisturbed by conquering Celt,<br /> +Ere from out their Aryan home<br /> +Came the Lords of Greece and Rome,<br /> +Somewhere in those ancient spots<br /> +Lived a man who painted Pots—<br /> +Painted with an art defective,<br /> +Quite devoid of all perspective,<br /> +Very crude, and causing doubt<br /> +When you tried to make them out,<br /> +Men (at least they looked like that),<br /> +Beasts that might be dog or cat,<br /> +Pictures blue and pictures red,<br /> +All that came into his head:<br /> +Not that any tale he meant<br /> +On the Pots to represent:<br /> +<!-- page 108--><a name="page108"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +108</span>Simply ’twas to make them smart,<br /> +Simply Decorative Art.<br /> +So the seasons onward hied,<br /> +And the Painter-person died—<br /> +But the Pot whereon he drew<br /> +Still survived as good as new:<br /> +Painters come and painters go,<br /> +Art remains <i>in statu quo</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">When a thousand years (perhaps)<br /> +Had proceeded to elapse,<br /> +Out of Time’s primeval mist<br /> +Came an Ætiologist;<br /> +He by shrewd and subtle guess<br /> +Wrote Descriptive Letterpress,<br /> +Setting forth the various causes<br /> +For the drawings on the vases,<br /> +All the motives, all the plots<br /> +Of the painter of the pots,<br /> +Entertained the nations with<br /> +Fable, Saga, Solar Myth,<br /> +Based upon ingenious shots<br /> +At the Purpose of the Pots,<br /> +Showing ages subsequent<br /> +What the painter really meant<br /> +(Which, of course, the painter hadn’t;<br /> +<!-- page 109--><a name="page109"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +109</span>He’d have been extremely saddened<br /> +Had he seen his meanings missed<br /> +By the Ætiologist).</p> +<p class="poetry">Next arrives the Prone to Err<br /> +Very ancient Chronicler,<br /> +All that mythologic lore<br /> +Swallowing whole and wanting more,<br /> +Crediting what wholly lacked<br /> +All similitude of Fact,<br /> +Building on this wondrous basis<br /> +All we know of early races;<br /> +So the Past as seen by him<br /> +Furnished from its chambers dim<br /> +Hypothetical foundations<br /> +Whence succeeding generations<br /> +Built, as on a basis sure,<br /> +Branches three of Literature,<br /> +Social Systems four (or five),<br /> +Two Religions Primitive;<br /> +So that one may truly say<br /> +(Speaking in a general way)<br /> +All the facts and all the knowledge<br /> +Taught in School and taught in College,<br /> +All the books the printer prints—<br /> +Everything that’s happened since—<br /> +<!-- page 110--><a name="page110"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +110</span>Feels the influence of what<br /> +Once was drawn upon that Pot,<br /> +Plus the curious mental twist<br /> +Of that Ætiologist!</p> +<p class="poetry">But the Pot that caused the trouble<br /> +Lay entombed in earth and rubble,<br /> +Left about in various places,<br /> +In the way that early races—<br /> +Hittites, Greeks, or Hottentots—<br /> +Used to leave important Pots;<br /> +Till at length, to close the list,<br /> +Came an Archæologist,<br /> +Came and dug with care and pain,<br /> +Came and found the Pot again:<br /> +Dug and delved with spade and shovel,<br /> +Made a version wholly novel<br /> +Of the Potman’s old design<br /> +(Others none were genuine).<br /> +Pots were in a special sense<br /> +<i>Echt-Historisch</i> Documents:<br /> +All who Error hope to stem<br /> +Must begin by studying them;<br /> +So the Public (which, he said,<br /> +Had been grievously misled)<br /> +Must in all things freshly start<br /> +<!-- page 111--><a name="page111"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +111</span>From his views of Ancient Art.<br /> +All (the learned man proceeded)<br /> +Otherwise who thought than he did,<br /> +Showed a stupid, base, untrue,<br /> +Obscurantist point of view;<br /> +Men like these (the sage would say)<br /> +Should be wholly swept away;<br /> +They, and eke the faults prodigious<br /> +Which beset their creeds religious,<br /> +Render totally impure<br /> +All their so-called Literature,<br /> +Lastly, sap to its foundation<br /> +All their boasted education,—<br /> +Just because they’ve quite forgot<br /> +What was meant, and what was not,<br /> +By the Painter of the Pot!</p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="poetry">* * * * *</p> +<p class="poetry">Pots are long and life is fleeting;<br /> +Artists, when their subjects treating,<br /> +Should be very, very far<br /> +Carefuller than now they are.</p> +<h2><!-- page 112--><a name="page112"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 112</span>THE NOVEL</h2> +<p class="poetry">When by efforts literary you might scale the +summits airy<br /> + Which the eminent in fiction are ascending every +day,<br /> +Why obscurely crawl and grovel?—I will write (I said) a +Novel!<br /> + So I started and I planned it in the ordinary +way.</p> +<p class="poetry">I’d a Heroine—a creature of +resplendent form and feature,<br /> + With a spell in every motion and a charm in every +look:<br /> +I’d a Villain—worse than Nero,—I’d a most +superior Hero:<br /> + And the host of minor persons which is needed in a +book:</p> +<p class="poetry">Each was drawn from observation: yet was each a +pure creation<br /> + Which revealed at once the genius of originating +mind:<br /> +<!-- page 113--><a name="page113"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +113</span>Not a man and not a woman but combined the Broadly +Human<br /> + With a something quite peculiar of an interesting +kind:</p> +<p class="poetry">What a wealth of meaning inner in the things +they said at dinner!<br /> + How their conversation sparkled (like the ripples on +the deep),<br /> +Half disclosing, half concealing a Profundity of Feeling<br /> + Which would move the gay to laughter and incite the +grave to weep!</p> +<p class="poetry">There they stood in grace and vigour, each +imaginary figure,<br /> + Each a masterpiece of drawing for the world to +wonder at:<br /> +There was really nothing more I had to find but just the +story,<br /> + Nothing more, but just the story—but I +couldn’t think of that.</p> +<p class="poetry">Yet (I cried), in other writers, how the lovers +and the fighters<br /> + Are conducted through the mazes of a complicated +plan,—<br /> +<!-- page 114--><a name="page114"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +114</span>How the incidents are planted just precisely where +they’re wanted—<br /> + How the man invites the moment, and the moment finds +the man!</p> +<p class="poetry">How a Barrie or a Kipling guides the maiden and +the stripling<br /> + Till they’re ultimately landed in the +matrimonial state,—<br /> +And they die, or else they marry (in a Kipling or a Barrie)<br /> + Just as if the thing was ordered by unalterable +Fate,—</p> +<p class="poetry">While with me, alas! to balance my innumerable +talents,<br /> + There’s a fatal imperfection and a melancholy +blot:<br /> +All the forms of my creating stand continually waiting<br /> + For a charitable person to provide them with a +Plot!</p> +<p class="poetry">Still I put the endless query why I wander lone +and dreary<br /> + (Barred from Eden like the Peri) minus fame and +minus fee,<br /> +<!-- page 115--><a name="page115"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +115</span>Why the idols of the masses have an entrée to +Parnassus,<br /> + While a want of mere invention is an obstacle to +me!</p> +<h2><!-- page 116--><a name="page116"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 116</span>FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD</h2> +<p class="poetry">Arise, my <i>Muse</i>, and ply th’ +extended Wing!<br /> +It is of Language that I mean to sing.<br /> +Thou mighty Medium, potent to convey<br /> +The clearest Notions in the darkest Way,<br /> +Diffus’d by thee, what Depth of verbal Mist<br /> +Veils now the Realist, now th’ Idealist!<br /> +Our mental Processes more complex grow<br /> +Than those our Sires were privileged to know.<br /> +In Ages old, ere Time Instruction brought,<br /> +A Thought or Thing was but a Thing or Thought:<br /> +Such simple Names are now forever gone—<br /> +A Concept this, that a Noümenon:<br /> +As <i>Cambria’s</i> Sons their Pride of Race increase<br /> +By joining <i>Ap</i> to <i>Evan</i>, <i>Jones</i>, or +<i>Rees</i>,<br /> +A prouder Halo decks the Sage’s Brow,<br /> +Perceptive once, he’s Apperceptive now!<br /> +Here sits Mentality (that erst was Mind),<br /> +By correlated Entities defin’d:<br /> +Here Monads lone Duality express<br /> +In bright Immediacy of Consciousness:<br /> +<!-- page 117--><a name="page117"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +117</span>O who shall say what Obstacles deter<br /> +The Youth who’d fain commence Philosopher!<br /> +The painful Public with bewilder’d Brain<br /> +For Metaphysic pants, but pants in vain:<br /> +Too hard the Names, too weighty far the Load:<br /> +Language forbids, and <i>Br-dl-y</i> blocks the Road.<br /> +From Themes like these I willingly depart,<br /> +And pass (discursive) to the Realms of Art.<br /> +Ye <i>Muses</i> nine! what Phrases ye employ,<br /> +What wondrous Terms t’ express æsthetic Joy!<br /> +As once in Years ere <i>Babel’s</i> Turrets rose<br /> +Contented Nations talk’d the self-same Prose:<br /> +As early <i>Christians</i> in the Days of Yore<br /> +Took what they wanted from a common Store:<br /> +So different Arts th’ astonished Reader sees<br /> +Pool all their Terms, then choose whate’er they please.<br +/> +’Mid critick Crews (where Intellect abounds)<br /> +Sound sings in Colours, Colours shine in Sounds:<br /> +When mimick Groves <i>Apelles</i> decks with green,<br /> +Or <i>Zeuxis</i> limns the vespertinal Scene,<br /> +<i>Staccato Tints</i> delight th’ auscultant Eye<br /> +And soft <i>Andantes</i> paint the conscious Sky:<br /> +Nor less, when Musick holds the list’ning Throng,<br /> +How crisply lucent glows th’ entrancing Song!<br /> +Each loud <i>Sonata</i> boasts its lively Hue,<br /> +And <i>Fugues</i> are red, and <i>Symphonies</i> are blue.<br /> +<!-- page 118--><a name="page118"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +118</span>Not mine to deem your Epithets misplac’d,<br /> +Ye learned Arbiters of publick Taste!<br /> +Yet such th’ Effect on merely human Wit,<br /> +That <i>Esperanto</i> is a Joke to it.</p> +<p class="poetry">Hail, Terminology! celestial Maid!<br /> +Portress of Science, Guide to Art and Trade!<br /> +I see Democracy—an ardent Band<br /> +Who fain would read yet wish to understand—<br /> +Compell’d that Goal in alien Tongues to seek,<br /> +Fly for Relief to <i>Necessary Greek</i>,<br /> +Claim as their Right (advised by <i>Mr. Snow</i>)<br /> +The sweet Simplicity of ὁ ἡ τό,—<br /> +While Dons con English till they’re pale and lean,<br /> +And Candidates in <i>Mods</i> do English for Unseen!</p> +<h2><!-- page 119--><a name="page119"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 119</span>THE PUPILS’ POINT OF VIEW</h2> +<p class="poetry">Relate, my Muse, the fame of him<br /> + Whose calling and peculiar mission<br /> +It was to wage with courage grim<br /> + A battle ’gainst effete Tradition!<br /> +When Movements moved, with holy zest<br /> + He scaled the breach and led the stormers,—<br +/> +And was among the first and best<br /> + Of Educational Reformers.</p> +<p class="poetry">He saw the Boy at Public Schools<br /> + Regard his books with fear and loathing,<br /> +From Latin’s arbitrary rules<br /> + Deriving practically nothing:—<br /> +He said,—“O bounding human Boys,<br /> + Of all the fare whereon you batten,<br /> +What chiefly mars your simple joys?”<br /> + With one accord they answered +“Latin!”</p> +<p class="poetry">“Exactly so,” th’ Inquirer +cried,<br /> + “This is the lore which cramps and stunts +us;<br /> +O how can pedagogues abide<br /> + A course that makes their pupils dunces?<br /> +<!-- page 120--><a name="page120"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +120</span>Since with the rules of Latin Prose<br /> + They can’t be brought to yield compliance,<br +/> +This Fact conclusively it shows—<br /> + They’ve all a natural bent for +Science!”</p> +<p class="poetry">They sought for Scientific Truth,<br /> + And pedagogues with books and birches<br /> +Guided the faltering steps of Youth<br /> + In biological researches:<br /> +The infant in his nurse’s care<br /> + In Science’ terms was taught to stammer:<br /> +They practised vivisection where<br /> + They used to cut their Latin grammar;</p> +<p class="poetry">’Twas all in vain—the Human Boy<br +/> + Remained unalterably chilly:<br /> +Still less than Virgil’s tale of Troy<br /> + He liked compulsory bacilli!<br /> +Much grieved the Zealot was thereat:—<br /> + “We’ll try,” he said, “a +course of Spelling” . . .<br /> +But O, the way they hated that<br /> + Quite overcomes my power of telling!</p> +<p class="poetry">“There must be ways,” the good man +said,<br /> + “(Though hitherto perhaps we’ve missed +’em)<br /> +Of putting things within the head:<br /> + We’ve something wrong about the +System:”<br /> +<!-- page 121--><a name="page121"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +121</span>And musing on the sacred flame<br /> + Of Genius, and the cause that hid it,<br /> +He unto this conclusion came—<br /> + <span class="smcap">Compulsion</span> was the thing +that did it.</p> +<p class="poetry">“Within the Boy’s aspiring brain<br +/> + For Study still there lies a craving,<br /> +And what is won against the grain<br /> + Is never really worth the having;<br /> +This boasted Categorical<br /> + Imperative is clearly vicious,—<br /> +Pastors and masters, one and all,<br /> + Must ascertain their pupils’ +wishes!”</p> +<p class="poetry">And now those simple human Boys,—<br /> + All, to a boy, for Culture yearning,—<br /> +No pedagogues with idle noise<br /> + Impede upon the path of Learning:—<br /> +Released from books and teachers both,<br /> + No intellectual pastures feed ’em;<br /> +And, if they lose in mental growth,<br /> + Think how they gain in moral freedom!</p> +<h2><!-- page 122--><a name="page122"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 122</span>HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC +BUSINESS</h2> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Of a Cheerful Hope</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">Whene’er you do to Meetings go, as many +such there be<br /> +(And few and far those persons are who home return to tea),<br /> +Then take with you this principle, to cheer you on your +way—<br /> +The less there is to talk about, the more there is to say.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Of an Exordium</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">Consult your hearers’ happiness, and +state for their relief<br /> +That you’ll avoid prolixity and study to be brief:<br /> +For if you can’t be brief at once, ’twill comfort +them to know<br /> +That you’ll arrive at brevity in half an hour or so.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><!-- page 123--><a +name="page123"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 123</span><i>Of +Obedience to Rule</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">Should e’er the Chairman censure you, as +Chairmen oft will do,<br /> +And tell you that you miss the point, and bid you keep +thereto,<br /> +(Though points are things, by Euclid’s law, that always +must be missed—<br /> +They have no parts or magnitude, and therefore don’t +exist)—<br /> +Obey at once the Chairman’s hest (because, as you’re +aware,<br /> +It is a most improper thing to argue with the Chair),<br /> +Accept his ruling patiently, without superfluous fuss,<br /> +And state the things you <i>might</i> have said—unless +he’d ruled it thus.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Of a Peroration</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">And when you’ve spent your arguments yet +somehow still go on<br /> +(It shows a want of enterprise to stop because you’ve +done),<br /> +Don’t search about for topics new or vex your weary +brain,<br /> +But take what someone else has said and say it all again.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><!-- page 124--><a +name="page124"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 124</span><i>Of +Impartiality</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">And when at last your speech is o’er, be +careful if you can<br /> +That none may hint—a horrid charge—that you’re +a Party Man:<br /> +So speak for this and speak for that as blithely as you may,<br +/> +But keep your mental balance true, and<br /> + + +Vote the other Way.</p> +<h2><!-- page 125--><a name="page125"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 125</span>EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY</h2> +<p class="poetry">Two youths there were in days of yore<br /> + Called Jones and Robinson.<br /> +Jones had abilities galore,<br /> + While Robinson had none.</p> +<p class="poetry">They met with corresponding fates:<br /> + And Jones, that genius proud,<br /> +Obtained in time a First in Greats:<br /> + While Robinson was ploughed.</p> +<p class="poetry">Jones hoped that mental gifts like his<br /> + Might gain a Fellowship:<br /> +But ah! full many a slip there is<br /> + Between the cup and lip:</p> +<p class="poetry">“You have a brain,” the College +said,<br /> + “Which unassisted soars:<br /> +’Tis not for Colleges to aid<br /> + Abilities like yours!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 126--><a name="page126"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 126</span>Go—wealth awaits your +gathering hand,<br /> + And empires crave your rule!<br /> +But Fellowships like ours are planned<br /> + To help the helpless fool.”</p> +<p class="poetry">He tried the Press: he tried the Bar:<br /> + But still the Bar and Press<br /> +Said, “Not for him our openings are<br /> + Whose gifts ensure success:</p> +<p class="poetry">Such posts are meant (’tis justice +plain)<br /> + For those unhappy chaps<br /> +(Like Robinson) whom lack of brain<br /> + Unfairly handicaps!”</p> +<p class="poetry">And now—yet check the rising tear:<br /> + It seems that long ago<br /> +Those Founders whom we all revere<br /> + Meant it to happen so—</p> +<p class="poetry">Some lack of necessary food,<br /> + All in a garret lone,<br /> +Has ended Jones. I thought it would.<br /> + But Robinson’s a <span +class="smcap">Don</span>.</p> +<h2><!-- page 127--><a name="page127"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 127</span>UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS</h2> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">By Lambda +Minus</span></p> +<p class="poetry">A rumour and rumbling volcanic<br /> + Is heard in the Radical Press,<br /> +And Presidents tremble in panic<br /> + And Wardens their terrors confess:<br /> +How each with anxiety shivers,<br /> + The Dean with his fines and his gates,<br /> +The ruffian who ragged me in Divvers,<br /> + The pedant who ploughed me in Greats!</p> +<p class="poetry">The doctrines degrading they taught, and<br /> + The Progress they nipped in the bud:<br /> +The things that they did when they oughtn’t<br /> + And failed to perform when they should:<br /> +The Questions prevented from burning,<br /> + The Movements forbidden to move,<br /> +Recoil on their centres of learning,<br /> + Their Parks and the System thereof!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 128--><a name="page128"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 128</span>Afar will Democracy chase it,<br /> + That gang of impenitent Dons<br /> +Who drowned the occasional Placet<br /> + By bawling their truculent Nons:<br /> +No idle and opulent College<br /> + Will feed that obstructionist clique,<br /> +Those scoffers at Practical Knowledge<br /> + Who vote for compulsory Greek.</p> +<p class="poetry">And now when the Party of Labour,<br /> + Asserting its virtuous sway,<br /> +Annexes the wealth of its neighbour<br /> + In Labour’s traditional way,—<br /> +When purged of its various abuses<br /> + By Birrell’s beneficent rule,<br /> +This haunt of the obsolete Muses<br /> + Is changed to a charity school,—</p> +<p class="poetry">When Fellows and bloated Professors<br /> + Their stipends are forced to disgorge,<br /> +(Obeying the fiat of Messrs.<br /> + Keir Hardie and Burns and Lloyd George)<br /> +Deprived by the wrath of the Nation<br /> + Of all their unmerited aids,<br /> +Perhaps to escape from starvation<br /> + They’ll take to respectable trades!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 129--><a name="page129"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 129</span>O wholly delectable vision!<br /> + I view with excusable glee<br /> +The fate of the shallow precisian<br /> + Who failed to appreciate Me;—<br /> +I fancy I see myself tossing<br /> + With blandly contemptuous mien<br /> +A penny for sweeping a crossing<br /> + To him who was formerly Dean!</p> +<h2><!-- page 130--><a name="page130"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 130</span>DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT +CAMBRIDGE</h2> +<p>(“Education differs from technical +training.”—Expert opinion in a letter to the +<i>Times</i>.)</p> +<p class="poetry">Not in vain with quaint devices<br /> + Infants of the age of four<br /> +Build their mimic edifices<br /> + All upon the nursery floor;<br /> +Neither is the presage missed<br /> +By the Educationist,<br /> +When he doth the fact recall<br /> +How that Balbus built a wall!</p> +<p class="poetry">Thus I mused on such-like theses,<br /> + While my errant fancy swam<br /> +Through the circumambient breezes<br /> + To the silver streams of Cam,—<br /> +There observed with pleased surprise<br /> +Ancient Universities<br /> +Still in touch at every stage<br /> +With the Progress of the Age;</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 131--><a name="page131"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 131</span>There, released from sloth and +coma<br /> + (Alma Mater’s chief defect),<br /> +There they grant a new Diploma<br /> + To the budding Architect,<br /> +Take the blighted Builder’s art<br /> +To their academic heart,<br /> +Hope it may in time become<br /> +Part of their curriculum:</p> +<p class="poetry">There they tell their College Porters<br /> + Not to think it strange or odd<br /> +When a load of bricks and mortar’s<br /> + Dumped within the College quad;<br /> +No indignant Tutor hauls<br /> +Him who scales the College walls,—<br /> +Plying on that airy perch<br /> +Architectural Research!</p> +<p class="poetry">Thus I sang: I seemed to see an<br /> + Epoch made, the Future’s guide;<br /> +But my glad exultant pæan<br /> + Was not wholly justified:<br /> +Men whose names we all revere,<br /> +Stars in Architecture’s sphere,<br /> +Phrases used which don’t imply<br /> +Any genuine sympathy:</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 132--><a name="page132"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 132</span>Ch---mpn---ys, Bl---mfield, T. G. +J---cks---n,<br /> + Hushed my lyre’s triumphant string—<br +/> +Said in limpid Anglo-Saxon<br /> + What they thought about the thing:<br /> +“Seats of learning are designed<br /> +For to Educate the Mind,<br /> +Not to teach a craft or trade,”<br /> +<i>That</i> was what these persons said!</p> +<p class="poetry">What! and must a thwarted Nation<br /> + Draw the obvious inference?<br /> +What! a Liberal Education<br /> + Doesn’t mean the quest of pence?<br /> +(Really, this extremely crude<br /> +Obscurantist attitude<br /> +Isn’t quite what one expects<br /> +From distinguished Architects!)</p> +<p class="poetry">Here’s another dear illusion<br /> + Reft away and wholly gone:<br /> +O the spiritual confusion<br /> + Of the pained progressive Don!<br /> +If the facts are quite correct<br /> +As regards the Architect,<br /> +Comes the question, plain and clear,<br /> +<i>How about the Engineer</i>?</p> +<h2><!-- page 133--><a name="page133"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 133</span>ICHABOD: A MONODY</h2> +<p class="poetry">Now is the time when everything is glad,<br /> +Their vernal greenery the fields renew,<br /> + Each feathered songster chants with livelier +tone,<br /> +And lambkins leap and cloudless skies are blue,<br /> + And all is gay and cheerful:—I alone<br /> + Am singularly +sad;<br /> +Mine erstwhile happiness and calm content<br /> + Yields to a sense of sorrowful surprise:<br /> + Things that I thought were thus, are otherwise:<br +/> +And all is grief, and disillusionment.</p> +<p class="poetry">For He, who did in everything surpass<br /> +Our common world,—the Good, the Truly Great,<br /> + The Working Man, who shamed with standards high<br +/> +Our obscurantists unregenerate,—<br /> + Is not, ’twould seem, better than you, or +I,<br /> + Or any other ass:<br /> +<!-- page 134--><a name="page134"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +134</span>The vision’s faded, as a snowflake melts;<br /> + Fallen is that idol from his high renown:<br /> + He hath waxed fat, and kicked, and tumbled down,<br +/> +And we must seek ensamples somewhere else!</p> +<p class="poetry">Where is it, Comrades! in this direful +day—<br /> +That noble zeal for academic lore,<br /> + That reverence due for discipline, in which<br /> +He used to shine conspicuously o’er<br /> + The Brainless Athlete and the Idle Rich?<br /> + O, does he now display<br /> +That ample breadth of calm impartial view,<br /> + That sober judgment and that balanced mind,<br /> + Which we were taught that we should always find,<br +/> +O R---skin College, domiciled in you?</p> +<p class="poetry">I have a Pupil: when his mental food<br /> +Fails (as it will) his appetite to sate,<br /> + What! does that patient much-enduring elf<br /> +Proclaim a strike? set pickets at my gate?<br /> + Boycott my lectures? give them for himself?<br /> + (Full oft I wish he would:)<br /> +Nay—when he finds those lectures dull and flat,<br /> + He asks no other: new ones might be worse:<br /> + Too well he knows that Cosmos’ ordered +course<br /> +Meant him to hear, and me to talk like that.</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 135--><a name="page135"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 135</span>Also I own I’m disappointed +by<br /> +Your friends and patrons, British Working Man!<br /> + For they, methought, were champions of the Cause,<br +/> +Fighters for Freedom, foremost in the van,<br /> + Not servile scruplers, bound by rules and laws,<br +/> + Not men who dealt in dry<br /> +Respectable traditions: leaders true,<br /> + No timid Moderates, who would define<br /> + Too strict a boundary ’twixt Mine and +Thine,<br /> +Potential martyrs, heart and soul with you:—</p> +<p class="poetry">’Twas all illusion: they would feed you +with<br /> +Mere talks on Temperance: when your spirit’s wings<br /> + Would soar to Sociology alone,<br /> +Whereby will come that blessed state of things<br /> + When none has property to call his own,<br /> + They give you—Adam Smith . . +.<br /> +These too are fall’n: ah me, that I should live<br /> + To hear our brightest Radicals and best<br /> + By angry Labour in such terms addressed<br /> +As might apply to a Conservative!</p> +<p class="poetry">To this conclusion I perforce must come,<br /> +’Twere best we parted: seeing that we, ’twould +seem,<br /> + Haply have no appreciation of<br /> +Your high ambitions and your aims supreme,<br /> + <!-- page 136--><a name="page136"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 136</span>Nor can we hope that you should +greatly love<br /> + Our mental pabulum:<br /> +Depart, O Comrades! to some happier sphere<br /> + Where you can still be nobly on the make,<br /> + And mine, or plumb, or brew, or butch, or +bake,—<br /> +Best to depart, and leave us mouldering here!</p> +<p class="poetry">Yea, if ye scorn our learning overmuch,<br /> +Misguided sons of horny-handed toil!<br /> + Yet discontented with your lowly lot<br /> +Still pine to burn the sad nocturnal oil<br /> + ’Mid academic culture, or ’mid what<br +/> + Describes itself as such—<br +/> +Go elsewhere, O my brothers! only go<br /> + To Bath, to Birmingham—where’er the +Don<br /> + Teaches the sacred art of Getting +On,——<br /> +—It is not far from here to Jericho.</p> +<h2><!-- page 137--><a name="page137"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 137</span>THE PANACEA</h2> +<p class="poetry">It is Research of which I sing,<br /> +Research, that salutary thing!<br /> +None can succeed, in World or Church,<br /> +Who does not prosecute Research:<br /> + For some read books, and toil thereat<br /> + Their intellect to waken:<br /> + But if you think Research is <i>that</i><br /> + You’re very much +mistaken.</p> +<p class="poetry">All in Columbia’s blesséd +States<br /> +They have no Smalls, or Mods, or Greats,<br /> +Nor do their faculties benumb<br /> +With any cold curriculum:<br /> + O no! for there the ambitious Boy,<br /> + Released from schools and +birches,<br /> + At once pursues with studious joy<br /> + Original Researches:</p> +<p class="poetry">A happy lot that Student’s is,<br /> +—I wish that mine were like to his,—<br /> +<!-- page 138--><a name="page138"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +138</span>Where in the bud no pedants nip<br /> +His Services to Scholarship:<br /> + And none need read with care and pain<br /> + Rome’s History, or +Greece’s,<br /> + But each from his creative brain<br /> + Evolves semestrial Theses!</p> +<p class="poetry">On books to pore is not the kind<br /> +Of thing to please the serious mind,—<br /> +I do not very greatly care<br /> +For such unsatisfying fare:<br /> + To seek the lore that in them lurks<br /> + Would last <i>ad infinitum</i>:<br +/> + Let others read immortal works,—<br /> + I much prefer to write +’em!</p> +<h2><!-- page 139--><a name="page139"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 139</span>THE HEROIC AGE</h2> +<p class="poetry">When I ponder o’er the pages of the old +romantic ages, ere the world grew cold and gray,<br /> +When there wasn’t a relation between Oxford and the Nation, +or a Movement every day,<br /> +How I marvel at the glamour (in these duller days and tamer) +which informed those scenes of glee,<br /> +At the glamour and the glory of contemporary story, and the +Eights as they used to be!</p> +<p class="poetry">It is obvious that the weather must have +differed altogether from the kind that now we know:<br /> +I arise from reading Fiction with the permanent conviction that +it did not hail, nor snow:<br /> +For each fair and youthful charmer had a summer sun to warm her +and a bran new frock and hat,—<br /> +In the progress of the lustres, when the crowd of Fashion musters +it has grown too wise for that.</p> +<p class="poetry">Every boat from keel to rigger was a grand +ideal figure as it skimmed those Wavelets Blue,<br /> +While the Heroes who propelled ’em were comparatively +seldom of a commonplace type, like you—<br /> +<!-- page 140--><a name="page140"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +140</span>In their strength and in their science they were +positively giants, through the gorgeous days of old,<br /> +Still an Admirable Crichton in those <i>lieben alten Zeiten</i> +was the oarsman brave and bold:</p> +<p class="poetry">He could row devoid of training, and (it hardly +needs explaining) got a quite unique degree:<br /> +With his blushing honours laden, he espoused a lovely maiden at +the end of Volume Three:<br /> +This alone he had to grieve for—that he’d nothing +more to live for, or expect from Fortune’s whim:<br /> +For I never could discover, when his Oxford days were over, what +the world could hold for him!</p> +<p class="poetry">O the rapture singlehearted of that Period has +departed, with its views ornate of Man,<br /> +And I think it won’t come back till we restore the +Pterodactyl, or revive the late Queen Anne:<br /> +We have grown in mental stature, and we Go Direct to Nature, in +these days of stress and strife,<br /> +And the hero of a novel in a palace or a hovel is intolerably +True to Life:—</p> +<p class="poetry">Not an infant learns to toddle but <span +class="smcap">efficiency’s</span> his model, which he still +pursues with rage,<br /> +In a manner inconsistent with the methods dim and distant of that +mid-Victorian age:<br /> +<!-- page 141--><a name="page141"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +141</span>For that atmosphere Elysian it has faded from our +vision and has gone where the old tales go,<br /> +And I really don’t know whether I regret +altogether—but the simple fact is so.</p> +<h2><!-- page 142--><a name="page142"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 142</span>MAKERS OF HISTORY</h2> +<p class="poetry">Minstrels! who your choicest notes<br /> +Keep for men who row in boats,<br /> +Mark with what exalted mien<br /> +Comes the Hero of the Scene!<br /> +He, amid the festal swarm,<br /> +Fashion’s glass and mould of form,<br /> +How in shape and how in features<br /> +Far surpassing other creatures,<br /> +How incomparable to<br /> +Common things like me and you!<br /> +He in whose transcendent state<br /> +All the ages culminate—<br /> +Could we ever keep him thus,<br /> +How delightful ’twere for us!<br /> +Could he, ’mid the admiring throng,<br /> +Ever beauteous, ever young,<br /> +Still abide for ever pent<br /> +In his true environment,<br /> +Wear that aureole still which now<br /> +<!-- page 143--><a name="page143"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +143</span>Decks his high victorious brow!<br /> + Out, alas! that Fortune can’t<br /> +Ever give us what we want!<br /> +<span class="smcap">He</span> must quit this vernal stage:<br /> +<span class="smcap">He</span> must sink to middle age<br /> +(E’en the Poet’s soaring wit<br /> +Scarcely can envisage it):<br /> +Go with men of common clay<br /> +In to business every day:<br /> +Be perhaps a Brewer, or<br /> +Haply a Solicitor,—<br /> +None the fact to notice that<br /> +Haloes once adorned his hat:<br /> +Ay! the ways of Fate are odd:<br /> +Men are mortal . . . Ichabod . . .</p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="poetry">* * * * *</p> +<p class="poetry">Yet shall stay by stream and tree<br /> +Something still of what was He,—<br /> +Plainly put, his More or Less<br /> +Immaterial Consciousness,—<br /> +Very fine and very large,<br /> +Floating o’er his College barge:<br /> +Always while the world continues<br /> +Bards shall sing his thews and sinews,—<br /> +Here he rowed and here he ran,<br /> +Being rather more than man;—<br /> +<!-- page 144--><a name="page144"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +144</span>Thus as ages onward go<br /> +Still he’ll great and greater grow,<br /> +Larger still in prose or rhyme<br /> +Looming down the aisles of time,<br /> +Till he sit, sublime and vast,<br /> +’Mid the Giants of the Past,<br /> +Men who lived in days of old<br /> +(Ch-tty, W- -dg-te, N-ck-lls, G-ld),<br /> +Lived and rowed in ages dark<br /> +Long ere Noah built the Ark,<br /> +Very, very famous oars,<br /> +Mighty men in Eights and Fours,<br /> +Towering o’er our Browns and Smiths<br /> +Huge and grey, like Monoliths.</p> +<p class="poetry"> Thus the Hero’s happy +fate<br /> +Keeps in store a blissful state,<br /> +All adown the Future dim,<br /> +Nearly worthy e’en of Him!</p> +<h2><!-- page 145--><a name="page145"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 145</span>ALMA MATER FILIO</h2> +<p class="poetry">Dear Youth! whose wealth and lineage high<br /> + Each outward sign denotes,<br /> +The highly fashionable tie,<br /> + The latest thing in coats—<br /> +Imprinted on whose candid brow<br /> + No gazer could detect<br /> +(As e’en your enemies allow)<br /> + The Pride of Intellect—</p> +<p class="poetry">Who, ’spite your want of mental scope<br +/> + And lack of Serious Aim,<br /> +Still left us, as we dared to hope,<br /> + More pensive than you came,<br /> +And thus at least, while critics vied<br /> + In pointing out our flaws,<br /> +For our continuance supplied<br /> + A kind of Final Cause:—</p> +<p class="poetry">Your part is played, your turn is +o’er:<br /> + Prepare to quit the stage:<br /> +It seems you’re not the person for<br /> + The Spirit of the Age:<br /> +<!-- page 146--><a name="page146"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +146</span>Though high your birth, though large your means,<br /> + I see—’tis sad, but true—<br /> +Soon, ’mid these academic scenes,<br /> + No corner left for you!</p> +<p class="poetry">Ah! what avail the things that went<br /> + To build your prosperous lot,<br /> +The ample cash, the long descent,<br /> + The athlete’s frequent pot,<br /> +The waistcoat bright of ardent red<br /> + Or fascinating green,<br /> +The social charm that captive led<br /> + The Provost, and the Dean?</p> +<p class="poetry">I see the Cherwell’s peaceful flood,<br +/> + I see the courts of King’s<br /> +Invaded by a student brood<br /> + Which knows all kinds of things—<br /> +A crowd with high desires replete,<br /> + Whose recreations are<br /> +To sit at Professorial feet<br /> + And join a Seminar:</p> +<p class="poetry">Bright Butterfly! your haunts of old<br /> + Are tenanted by men<br /> +Who realise what studies mould<br /> + Th’ Efficient Citizen . . .<br /> +<!-- page 147--><a name="page147"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +147</span>These shall alone the blessings know<br /> + Of Isis and of Cam,<br /> +And You (I’m sure ’tis better so)<br /> + Will go to—Birmingham!</p> +<h2><!-- page 148--><a name="page148"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 148</span>IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS +CUIUSDAM</h2> +<p class="poetry">Lo, where yon undistinguished grave<br /> + Erects its grassy pile on<br /> +One who to all Experience gave<br /> + An Alpha or Epsilon!</p> +<p class="poetry">The world and eke the world’s content,<br +/> + And all therein that passes,<br /> +With marks numerical (per cent.)<br /> + He did dispose in classes:</p> +<p class="poetry">Not his to ape the critic crew<br /> + Which vulgarly appraises<br /> +The Good, the Beautiful, the True<br /> + In literary phrases:</p> +<p class="poetry">He did his estimate express<br /> + In terms precise and weighty,—<br /> +And Vice got 25 (or less,)<br /> + While Virtue rose to 80.</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 149--><a name="page149"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 149</span>Now hath he closed his earthly +lot<br /> + All in his final haven,—<br /> +(And be the stone that marks the spot<br /> + <i>On one side only</i> graven,)</p> +<p class="poetry">Bring papers on his grave to strew<br /> + Amid the grass and clover,<br /> +And plant thereby that pencil blue<br /> + Wherewith he looked them over!</p> +<p class="poetry">There, freed from every human ill<br /> + And fleshly trammels gross, he<br /> +Lies in his resting-place until<br /> + The final Viva Voce:</p> +<p class="poetry">So let him rest till crack of doom<br /> + Of mortal tasks aweary,—<br /> +And nothing write upon his tomb<br /> + Save β—(?).</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">the +end</span></p> +<div class="gapline"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">printed by +william clowes and sons</span>, <span +class="smcap">limited</span>, <span class="smcap">london and +beccles</span>.</p> +<h2>Footnotes:</h2> +<p><a name="footnote24"></a><a href="#citation24" +class="footnote">[24]</a> 1897</p> +<p><a name="footnote77"></a><a href="#citation77" +class="footnote">[77]</a> 1900.</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 30690-h.htm or 30690-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/0/6/9/30690 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +</pre></body> +</html> |