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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Casual Ward, by A. D. Godley
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Casual Ward
+       academic and other oddments
+
+
+Author: A. D. Godley
+
+
+
+Release Date: December 16, 2009  [eBook #30690]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1912 Smith, Elder & Co. edition by David Price,
+email ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+
+
+
+
+                                   THE
+                               CASUAL WARD
+
+
+                            ACADEMIC AND OTHER
+                                 ODDMENTS
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                    BY
+                               A. D. GODLEY
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                  LONDON
+                            SMITH, ELDER & CO.
+                            15 WATERLOO PLACE
+                                   1912
+                         [_All rights reserved_]
+
+                                PRINTED BY
+                     WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED
+                            LONDON AND BECCLES
+
+                           CONTENTS
+                                                          PAGE
+M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO                     1
+THE EIGHTS IN FICTION                                        6
+   I.  OLD STYLE                                             6
+   II.  NEW OR KODAK STYLE (From the French)                10
+THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA                                 13
+HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK                                      17
+TAC. HIST., BK. VI                                          21
+THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH                                      24
+   I.  THE TRUE TALE OF TROY                                24
+   II.  FORGOTTEN HISTORY                                   32
+PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY                         38
+PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE'S WILL            43
+THE TUTOR'S EXPEDIENT                                       49
+THE END AND OBJECT--                                        64
+THE TORTURED TUTOR: A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD                  71
+THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL                                77
+THE NATION IN ARMS                                          87
+THE INCUBUS                                                 92
+THE WORKING MAN                                             94
+CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM                                     97
+FORECAST                                                   100
+PAGEANTS                                                   103
+RULES FOR FICTION                                          105
+ART AND LETTERS                                            107
+THE NOVEL                                                  112
+FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD                                    116
+THE PUPILS' POINT OF VIEW                                  119
+HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS               122
+EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY                                    125
+UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS                                     127
+DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE                      130
+ICHABOD: A MONODY                                          133
+THE PANACEA                                                137
+THE HEROIC AGE                                             139
+MAKERS OF HISTORY                                          142
+ALMA MATER FILIO                                           145
+IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM                          148
+
+
+
+Nearly all the flights in this book have been first taken in the
+_Cornhill Magazine_, the _Oxford Magazine_, or the _Saturday Review_.
+They are reproduced by the kind permission of the Editors of these
+periodicals.  I am allowed also to reprint a set of verses published by
+Messrs. Constable & Co.
+
+                                                                  A. D. G.
+
+_November_, 1912
+
+
+
+
+M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO
+
+
+[LITERALLY TRANSLATED BY A BALLIOL FIRST-CLASS MAN]
+
+[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the precincts of the Bodleian
+Library]
+
+I.  Not concerning a thing of no moment, O Conscript Fathers, you are now
+called upon to decide: whether to one man by the counsel and advice of
+Curators it is to be permitted that he should take away from you the
+power of placing in the Proscholium the instruments of celerity, the
+assistances of (your) feet, the machines appointed by a certain natural
+providence for the performance of your duties: whether, in which place
+our ancestors sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed applause of
+the Roman people, from that (place) bicycles are to be ejected by one
+guardian of books.  O singular impudence of the man!  For be unwilling,
+Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe that in this pretence of
+consulting for (the interests of) a public building something more is not
+also being aimed at and sought to be obtained: in such a way (_lit._ so)
+he attacks bicycles that in reality he endeavours to oppress the liberty
+of each one of you: that by this example and as it were by the thin end
+of a certain wedge he may lay the foundation of a royal power over all
+these things, which I (as) consul preserved.  Concerning which matter I
+could say much, if time allowed me: now behold and examine the miserable
+condition of those whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity overturns
+from (their) fortunes.
+
+II.  What! shall the Masters of Arts, what! shall the Doctors, what!
+shall the Proctors themselves (than which kind of men nothing can exist
+more holy, nothing more upright, nothing more auspiciously established)
+be compelled to come on foot that they may consult those most sacred
+volumes in which the Roman people have wished that all learning should be
+included?  The Hypobibliothecarii, what men! what citizens! will, I
+believe, walk, especially considering that it is to be contended by them
+against the lengthiness of a journey: and then, if, as (usually) happens,
+some sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer (their) bicycles
+lacking shelter to be most miserably corrupted by rain.  It has been
+handed down to memory, Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was
+permitted by the republic, which he had saved by (his) incredible
+fortitude, to be borne by an elephant whenever he had been invited to a
+dinner.  Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped that he might
+by so much the more quickly arrive at a banquet: shall we, who desire to
+hasten not for the sake of lust and the belly, but for the sake of this
+learning and books, be forbidden to employ bicycles?  I pray and entreat
+you, Conscript Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be branded upon the
+heart itself and entrails of the commonwealth.
+
+III.  But for(sooth) the College of All Souls (which I name; for the sake
+of honour) is near, in which machines may be sheltered.  O thing before
+unheard (of)!  From which place even undergraduates have been excluded by
+a certain divine will: into that shall bicycles be thrown?  O times, O
+manners!  It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers, that the studies of most
+learned men, Fellows, should be interrupted in this way.  Moreover, they
+also have a library, that to them also it may be possible to say that
+wheels should be kept afar off: they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a
+porter: they will exclude, reject, expectorate them.  Which act I blame
+in such a way that I confess and acknowledge that it will be done with
+the greatest legality.
+
+IV.  If the Founder of the Library, if Sir Thomas Bodley himself, I say,
+should stand forth from the Elysian fields, it is not necessary that I
+should remind you with what ancient severity he would inveigh against
+this new power, against the Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the
+Curators themselves: for you can calculate (it) in (your) minds.  He
+would say to them, "Did I give you authority over books, that you should
+use it against bicycles? did I place you in an upper part of a most
+convenient building, that you should also rule the lower? did I endow you
+with huge wealth and an enormousness of stipend, that you should
+therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion over the common utility,
+and the necks, heads, lives, fortunes of the poorer citizens?"  To which
+interrogation and most stern reproach I do not think they, although they
+are of a remarkable audacity, could answer anything: for neither is there
+(anything) that can be replied.
+
+V.  Although I wish to say more things, I am deterred by the will of the
+editor of that most known Magazine (than which paper I do not think that
+anything is more conjoined with the safety of the republic): nor am I not
+also prevented by tears and weeping itself.  Conscript Fathers, if there
+is anything in you of constancy, if of gravity, if of fortitude, if of
+humanity (which that there is I most certainly know), fortify this common
+citadel of the good: open the Pig Market, closed by the intolerable
+influence of bad men: be unwilling, be unwilling that the seat of the
+Muses, the School of Divinity, the most delightful meeting-places of
+Boards of Faculties, should be stained by royal power and polluted by
+cruelty.  Which that it will certainly happen if you do not prevent it by
+your votes, I most confidently predict and vaticinate.
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTS IN FICTION
+
+
+I.  OLD STYLE
+
+
+"There's nothing that emphasizes the _amari aliquid_ of life like one's
+tobacconist," mused Fane Trevyllyan as he flung a box of eighteenpenny
+Emeticos into the fire and lit a Latakia cigarette.
+
+It was a lovely August morning in the Eights of 18--; and the stroke of
+the Charsley Hall boat reclined wearily in his luxuriously furnished
+apartments within that venerable College and watched the midday sun
+gilding the pinnacles of the Martyr's Memorial.  It had been a fast and
+furious night, and Trevyllyan had lost more I.O.U.s than even he cared to
+remember: and now he was very weary of it all.  Had it not been for one
+thing, he would have thrown it all up--sent dons, deans, duns, and dice
+to the devil, and gone down by the afternoon train: as it was, there was
+nothing for it but to recline on his tiger-skins and smoke countless
+cigars.  He never would train.
+
+"Going to row to-day, Fane?"  It was little Bagley Wood, the cox.
+Trevyllyan sanctioned his presence as if he had been a cat or a lapdog:
+to all others he was stern and unapproachable--a true representative of
+his Order.
+
+"Don't know, _caro mio_," was the reply.  "It's such a bore, you know:
+and then I half think I promised to take La Montmorenci of the Frivolity
+up the Cherwell to Trumpington in the University Barge."
+
+"What! when the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion has come down on purpose to
+see us catch Christ Church! why, _sapristi_, where can your eyes be?"
+The stroke hissed something between his clenched teeth, and Bagley Wood
+found himself flying through an unopened window.
+
+"_Cherchez la femme_! it's always the way with the Trevyllyans," muttered
+the lad, as he picked himself up from the grass plot in the quadrangle
+and strolled off to quiet his nerves with a glass of _aguardiente_ at the
+Mitre.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+An August moon shone brightly on the last night of the great aquatic
+contest: the starter had fired his pistol, and all the boats but one were
+off.
+
+"Hadn't you better think about starting, Trevyllyan?" asked the coach of
+the Charsley Hall Eight, a trifle pale and anxious.  "See, they are all
+under way.  Glanville Ferrers, the Christ Church stroke, swears you
+shan't bump him as you did last week.  He must be past the Soapworks by
+this time."
+
+"_Caramba_! then I suppose we ought to get in," replied the other; and as
+he spoke he divested himself of the academical garb that scarcely
+concealed his sky-blue tights, and stood, a model of manly beauty, on the
+banks of the rushing river.  Then, throwing away a half-finished cigar,
+Trevyllyan strode into the boat.  _Per Bacco_! 'twas a magnificent sight.
+As the crack Eight of the river sped swiftly after her rival, cheers
+arose from the bank, and odds on both boats were freely taken and offered
+by the _cognoscenti_.
+
+You and I, _amigo mio_! have seen many a race in our day.  We have seen
+the 'Varsity crews flash neck and neck past Lillie Bridge: we have held
+our breath while Orme ran a dead heat with Eclipse for the Grand
+National: we have read how the victor of the _pancratium_ panted to the
+_meta_ amid the Io Triumphes of Attica's vine-clad Acropolis.  But we did
+not see the great Christ Church and Charsley's race--that great contest
+which is still the talk of many a learned lecture-room.  They say the
+pace was tremendous.  Four men fainted in the Christ Church boat, and
+Trevyllyan's crew repeatedly entreated him to stop.  But he held on,
+inexorable as the Erinnyes.
+
+Fair as Pallas Anadyomene--fair as the Venus whom Milo fashioned _pour se
+desennuyer_ in his exile at Marseilles--the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion
+sat throned on the University Barge, and watched the heroes as their bare
+arms flashed in the moonlight.  And now they were through the Gut, and
+the nose of the Charsley's boat pressed hard on its rival: yet Fane
+Trevyllyan did not make his final effort.  Would he spare Glanville
+Ferrers?  _Quien sabe_?  They had been friends--once.  But the die was
+cast.  As the boats sped past her the Lady Gwendolen stooped from her
+pride of place and threw a rose--just one--into the painted poop of the
+Christ Church wherry.  That was all: but it was enough.  Trevyllyan saw
+the action where he sat: one final, magnificent, unswerving stroke--those
+who saw it thought it would never end!--and with a muttered "Habet!" he
+sent the brazen beak of his Eight crashing in among the shattered oars of
+his helpless competitor.
+
+_Galeotto fu il libro_, _e chi lo scrisse_.
+
+
+
+II.  NEW OR KODAK STYLE
+(From the French)
+
+
+   If they are frivolous, these Universities!
+   At present great sensation in Oxford: this town, so gloomy, so sad
+   ordinarily, is to-day _en fete_.
+   Is it that one elects a new _Vice-Chancellor_?
+   No.
+   It is the contest aquatic of the Colleges which goes to take place.
+   One discusses in the _salons_ the most _chic_ how many kilogrammes
+   they weigh, these heroes of the oar.
+   Everywhere Professors in straw hats and Heads of Colleges _en
+   matelot_.
+   What a spectacle!
+   . . . . .
+   On the barges. . . .
+   Grouped on these venerable hulks, crowds of ladies excite our
+   admiration by their beauty and our respect by their intelligence.
+   Whence do they come, these damsels, so young, so charming?
+   It is that they have arrived from the metropolis at the request of
+   their brothers, their cousins--what do I know of it? perhaps their
+   _pretendants_--of whom they wish to enhance with their applause the
+   athletic triumph.
+   . . . . .
+   After all, they are adorable, these English misses!
+   . . . . .
+   On the bank. . . .
+   One hears the portentous echo of the _Five-Minutes-Gun_.
+   Moment tremendous!
+   They have started: one sees already the _strokesman_ of the
+   _first-boat_.
+   One would say a whole University that runs on the _towing-path_, and
+   that utters loud cries.
+   Here and there _coachmen_ are seen carrying pistols and pronouncing
+   terrible execrations.
+   Why these pistols? . . .
+   A little brutal, these English: but of a force, a virility!
+   . . . . .
+   I myself who speak to you am infected by this enthusiasm.
+   I run: I utter cries: I _raffole_ of the _leading-boat_: I shout En
+   avant!  Vive la Madeleine!  Vive le Cercle Nautique!  Hourra! . . .
+   But one does not do these things at forty years.
+   I am out of breath, what?  I wish to stop.
+   Arrest yourselves, my friends too impetuous!
+   I appeal to you in the name of France, who respects you: do not
+   annihilate me, do not pulverize me. . . . .
+   Vain appeal!  One would say the car of Juggernaut.
+   I am knocked down: I am _crible_ with kicks: I am massacred.
+   . . . . .
+   Ah! . . .
+
+
+
+
+THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA
+
+
+Thucydides, an Athenian, wrote the history of the epidemic among the
+Oxonians, how they had the epidemic, having begun to write as soon as it
+broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering it to be the most
+noticeable of all that had appeared previously.  (For the place was not
+liable to diseases at other times, but especially free from them, except
+that which affected the teeth: on account of which they used to go up to
+the metropolis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but in deed to go
+to Olympia, so that not a few were banished from the city both for other
+reasons and not least this.)  As to the causes of it, then, let any one
+speak who is aware of them: but I will show what things happened on
+account of it, having both myself put on an aeger and seen others
+similarly afflicted, so that I can describe it with equal certainty more
+than the narrative of another not having done so, but relying on the
+incredibility of historians more than the sureness of experience.
+
+For in the first beginning of the sickness men remembered what Homer says
+about the lower and higher animals in the Trojan business--
+
+    First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but afterward, aiming
+    at the men his piercing dart, he smote,
+
+seeing that now too not less but equally as much first, the College
+Tutors were attacked, and next the scouts, and last of all the men
+themselves.  But most of all the scouts were affected, and this caused
+the greatest calamity: so that a man must often wish that his scout might
+recover, wishing indeed contrary to nature, but being persuaded by the
+greatness of the surrounding misfortune, lest he should suffer even worse
+things at the hands of a scout's boy, or considering it terrible if he
+shall lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not being brought to
+him.  And all laws concerning meals were brought into a state of
+confusion, so that many anticipated taking the commons of another.  And
+they welcomed the hospitality of those outside the walls, regarding their
+hunger in the present as much more important than another man's inability
+to pay his debts in the future.
+
+But when the men themselves began to suffer, then indeed the disease was
+the commencement of lawlessness to a greater extent for the city.  For
+cuttings of chapels and avoidings of lectures, which are an agony for the
+present more than a possession for ever, and in short all such things as
+the indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a man easily dared
+to do, it being uncertain on the one hand whether his tutor has the
+influenza, and on the other if he himself might not put on an aeger
+before being hauled he should pay the penalty.  And though some, indeed,
+did things exactly contrary to this, and being before unaccustomed now
+went in the morning with a run to chapel in order that fewer being
+present the paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared with the
+multitude of those who were absent might gain them a prestige of virtue
+not real but simulated--yet with most there was now neither fear of the
+Dean by land nor by sea of their coaches: disobeying whom they ate and
+drank all kinds of things contrary to law, no one being willing to exert
+himself for that which seemed to be honourable, and calculating that the
+present abstention from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of
+being bumped in the future about as much and not less than if he had
+smoked three pipes and a cheroot.  And not only was injustice prevalent
+among those who were as yet in good health, but many of those in the
+ships, being or seeming to themselves to be sick, had their places taken
+by others accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly
+inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice combined
+with experience of the others, was in reality less powerful than the
+language which those on the bank thought worthy to use concerning them.
+
+Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent an expedition against
+Cambridge, having manned a slow train to Bletchley, Nicolaidas being
+commander second himself; and they advanced as far as Third Trinity, and
+having ravaged part of the land and set up a trophy, they returned home.
+
+
+
+
+HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK
+
+
+At this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii there was instituted a
+contest of horses such as this nation is accustomed to celebrate every
+spring.  And this contest is of such a kind, not being well arranged
+according at least to my opinion:--Having dug trenches and built other
+ramparts parallel indeed to each other but transversely to the running of
+the horses themselves, they do not any longer stand round them invoking
+the gods as those do who play golf, but on the contrary, when they have
+placed men upon horses they cause them to cross these by leaping under
+the lash, as far as the goal: and whoever anticipates the others arriving
+at the goal, sitting at least on the same horse on which sitting he set
+out, and not it running, having left him behind, nor he himself on foot,
+he is considered to have conquered.  The reason why I said that this
+contest is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being
+possible to contend in a level place without danger or difficulty, the
+Oxonii nevertheless themselves make obstacles so as to prevent the horses
+from (not) arriving at the end of the course, neither being compelled nor
+there being any necessity ([Greek text]).  Then, however, they did these
+things, and also, as they are accustomed to do on such occasions, they
+sent messengers to inquire of other prophets and also of the Delphic
+oracle who should be the conqueror.  The Pythian priestess, being mindful
+how she had formerly made a good shot in respect of the Median business,
+replied in the hexameter rhythm that the issues of victory lay around a
+wooden wall.  Now having this as a proof I will neither refuse to believe
+in oracles myself nor allow others to disbelieve them.  For when the race
+had begun and the horses had been sent away by the sound of a trumpet,
+other men were taking part in the contest, and also Pheron the son of
+Trapezites a Corinthian: this is not the Pheron who, his father having
+founded a city, was himself expelled from it by the few, who were called
+Hetairi, because he had allied himself with the democracy forsooth
+([Greek text]).  And there are other things written about this Pheron in
+the history composed by Proctor, who was tyrant of Oxonia second himself
+for one year, and in fact caused Pheron to fall out by reason of
+sedition.  What I have said just now is a digression and refers to other
+matters, and I will now come back to my former story.  So then the men,
+having in the first part of the contest done things worthy of themselves,
+and having for the most part, although not all, yet the majority, avoided
+the (not) falling into ditches and the like incurably at least, came
+presently to the wooden fence, which I conjecture to be the wall meant by
+the Delphic oracle.  It being then necessary either remaining on the
+hither side to be driven away from all hope of the prize or leaping to
+run risks concerning their lives, and the rest having leapt in such a way
+that they crossed the fence sitting rather upon the ground than upon
+their horses, and some neither with them nor upon them, as the
+Lacedaemonians say about their shields: this Pheron, of whom I have
+before made mention, showed himself to be prudent in other things and
+also in this.  He, having a horse much the most active of all the rest,
+was not left behind by it, but sat there holding on firmly until he had
+arrived at the farther side; and from thence, the race being easy for
+him, he came to the goal very much the first, having anticipated.  In
+this way he obtained the prize.  I have learnt the names of all the other
+competitors: but I do not think it proper to relate them, not now at
+least.
+
+When the spectators had seen these things (and there was also a contest
+for the natives of the country, in which not a few were roughly handled)
+they returned in chariots to the city, driving not straight like the
+Greeks, but obliquely, as is customary.  This story some relate, relating
+things credible to me at least; there being two Oxonii in one chariot,
+and no one else, one of them entreated the other after they had gone some
+way without misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold the reins of
+the horses: to whom the other replied "But--for do you not already hold
+them?"  These men then having left such a memorial of themselves did
+nevertheless arrive safely at the city.
+
+
+
+
+TAC. HIST., BK. VI.
+DE AVLA S. EDMVNDI.
+
+
+1.  Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici expediam.  Mauretaniam post
+decessum Tedimurii cuicumque servitio expositam avaritia et mala cupidine
+fines augendi contemptis populi studiis occupaverant Brigantes, barbara
+gens.  mox rectorem imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum instituta
+professum.  non tulere Mauri intempestivam sapientiam.  namque ut
+divitias ita librorum scientiam contemptui habent: et est plerisque
+indocta canities.
+
+2.  Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus multa scholarum patientia.
+is collectis in aulam Edmundi popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum
+locutus fertur: "si apud rerum humanarum inscios verba facerem plura
+cohortandi causa dicenda erant.  nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios
+iniuriis validiorum potentia laeserit.  quid memorem Scotos Stubbinsiorum
+dominatu potitos?  quid Tabernarios Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab
+iisdem suum lucrum ex aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos
+atque mancipatos?  Scimmerios cum maxime Rhodesii subiectos habent,
+puerili rei nummariae imperitia generis humani regimen expostulantes.
+quanta profanarum litterarum scientia pacatissima loca polluerint, non
+est opus dictu apud gnaros.  quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam
+nuper [praemii nomen] occupaverunt?  eandem nobis Brigantes necessitatem
+imponent, gradum capessendi. et baccalaureos videbimus."  tum ad iuvenes
+conversus "eone ventum esset" interrogat "ut antiquissima aulae iura
+corrumpi sinerent?  Reginensium specioso vocabulo nuncupatos pessimam
+servitutem passuros: praelectiones et deorum templa prope noctu insolitis
+adeunda: et praecipua foeditate Brigantium arcana.  mox et specimen
+partium Magrathium remigare coacturum, eo immitius quia toleravisset.
+num et sanctissimam Edmundi effigiem nuper a cive in somnis visam inter
+quaggas et aprorum capita et eiusmodi ludicra fore ostentui?  proinde
+simplex et pastoricius et aratro adsuetus populus priscam et traditam a
+patribus tranquillitatem coleret et tueretur."
+
+3.  His et talibus accensos ducit in viam, Brigantium fines et principes
+ipsos gentis rutilo pigmento maculaturos, ni liberentur.  egressis
+claudit portas Reginensis sacerdos, metu an conscientia dubium: nec non
+Brigantes quamquam civili bello distracti struxere vallum et loricam
+hostem arcendi.  igitur utrinque exclusi palantur in viis Mauri:
+procurtoribus grata ea species nomina et collegii genus per ludibrium
+percunctantibus.  mox ab Omnianimensibus propter mediocritatem doctrinae
+consimilibus hospitio accipiuntur: et inter socios conscribi concessum.
+ibi per speciem cruditatis interfecti.  aula in formam provinciae
+redacta.  nec enim magis iustis indiciis unquam adprobatum est, non esse
+curae Vice-Cancellario securitatem bonorum, esse exstinctionem.
+
+
+
+
+THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH {24}
+(I.) THE TRUE TALE OF TROY
+
+
+(It is perhaps not generally known that the _Daily Hieroglyphic_, one of
+the leading morning papyri of Egypt under the --th Dynasty, despatched a
+special correspondent to Greece at the time of the Trojan War.  Some
+fragments of his communications have been discovered by the energy of
+modern tomb-robbers, and the courtesy of the British Museum has enabled
+us to publish these _disjecta membra_, which may perhaps be of interest
+to the public at the present juncture.)
+
+The only social _evenement_ (writes the correspondent under date Jan. 10,
+1100 B.C., or thereabouts) which I have to chronicle is a reported
+domestic _esclandre_ in the family of Menelaus, the genial and popular
+Prince of Sparta.  In consequence of this the Princess Helena, it is
+alleged, has gone to Paris.
+
+                                                      Mycenae, January 12.
+
+It appears from the _Court Circular_ that Her Royal Highness has been
+advised by her physicians to reside for some time in Asia Minor.  At the
+same time I cannot conceal the fact that the Corinthian society paper,
+_Alethea_, mentions the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this
+story.  I am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of
+scandal.
+
+                                                               February 1.
+
+The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international
+complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae.  It is stated
+on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador has been recalled
+from the former capital, the alleged reason being promotion to a still
+higher diplomatic post: there seems, however, to be no reasonable doubt
+that the practical rupture of relations between the Empires of the West
+and East is not remotely connected with the eternal maxim, "Cherchez la
+femme."  Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince Menelaus.
+
+                                                              February 20.
+
+Everything points to war.  Orders for a substantial increase of the Navy
+have been placed in the hands of Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated
+firm of shipbuilders.  Heroes are earnestly called for.
+
+The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an animated debate.
+M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote which would enable him to
+enrol three more phalanxes.  He was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites,
+Leader of the Extreme Left, who demanded to know why the Achaean nation
+was to be plunged recklessly into war for the settlement of matters
+properly pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court.  Fortunately for
+the success of M. Diomedes' proposal, the closure was put in operation.
+
+                                                                    Later.
+
+M. Thersites' funeral is announced for to-morrow (about the time of
+loosing oxen).
+
+                                                              February 25.
+
+I cannot better describe the existing political situation than by quoting
+the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and elsewhere.
+
+All the official journals are consistently warlike in tone.  They declare
+that nothing will satisfy Achaean aspirations but the annexation of
+Helen.  The Athenian _Asty_ declares that should King Agamemnon employ
+the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a stepping-stone to lop
+off another limb from the decaying trunk of the (so-called) Trojan
+Empire, he will have achieved a permanent blessing to civilization.
+
+On the other hand, the _Olympian Times_ comments severely on the
+precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the rash proceedings
+which have led to a rupture that might have been averted by diplomacy.
+As the _Times_ is understood to be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an
+utterance may well give rise to the gravest apprehensions.
+
+The _Oracle_--a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical
+tendencies--preserves an ambiguous tone.
+
+Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the _entourage_ of
+King Priam.  Hector Pasha has been appointed War Minister.  The
+_Prehistoric Post_ speaks of the enlistment of two new regiments of
+Hittite Bashi-Bazouks in the interior of Asia Minor.  The _Cassandra_,
+however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be inspired,
+has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, and confidently
+predicts the destruction of Troy.
+
+The _Ephemerios Chronographos_ has received the following telegram from
+the veteran statesman Nestor: "Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations.
+Bag and baggage only possible policy.  Postcard follows.--Nestor,
+Hawarden, Pylos."
+
+                                                                  March 1.
+
+His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, amid scenes
+of great enthusiasm.  Her Majesty the Queen and His Excellency Count
+Aegisthus were both visibly affected.  Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds
+shouting, "To Ilion!"
+
+                                                                  March 8.
+
+The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising the wind
+shall have been concluded.  Meantime, the services of the notorious
+Klepht Achilles have been engaged.  This popular enlistment creates great
+enthusiasm.
+
+The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is contradicted this
+morning by an official _dementi_.
+
+H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious house.
+
+Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2).
+
+                                                                    Later.
+
+The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable anxiety.
+
+                                                        Tenedos, March 15.
+
+Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers have issued a
+Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, forbidding the landing
+of heroes and others.  Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt
+that several demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring
+to effect administrative reforms.  Achaean newspapers of all shades
+condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to raise a storm.
+Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.
+
+                                                                 March 17.
+
+In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the Powers, they
+have issued a Collective Note urging upon His Majesty King Agamemnon the
+necessity of prompt withdrawal.  In view of his possible refusal, it is
+understood that thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been
+mobilized.  This action is severely commented upon by the Achaean Press
+in general.  The _Phaeacian Daily Chronicle_ goes so far as to threaten a
+mass meeting in Trafalgar Square.  Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing
+atrocities.
+
+                                                                 March 18.
+
+The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the contending parties.  It is
+understood that nothing short of a _Deus ex machina_ can avert a formal
+rupture of relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts
+which are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily
+committed.
+
+The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the situation.  His
+Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit by a thunderbolt this morning.
+
+                                                                 March 20.
+
+I am authorized to state that the intervention of a _Deus ex machina_ has
+brought about the arrangement of a _modus vivendi_.  The Achaean
+expeditionary force is to withdraw, and Helen is to be autonomous.
+Menelaus, however, is to be free to enforce administrative reforms.
+
+                                                                 March 21.
+
+Peace with Honour has been proclaimed.  It is possible, however, that
+some embarrassment may still arise from the action of King Priam in
+assessing the material, moral, and intellectual damage inflicted on
+himself and his allies at 152,833 tripods, 18 women, and an ox.  This sum
+will certainly be disputed.
+
+It is asserted as probable that the Poet Laureate,--Homer, will be
+invited to compose an epic poem commemorating the events of the raid.  An
+edition of 20,000 copies will be issued, including 50 on India paper,
+with corruptions and emendations by eminent scholars.
+
+
+
+
+THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH
+(II.)  FORGOTTEN HISTORY
+
+
+The Roman correspondent of the _Stella Lugdunensis_ writes to his paper
+under date A.V.C. 817:--
+
+All the Press is naturally full of the recent debate in the Senate on the
+alleged unconstitutional indiscretions of our Imperial Master.  (H.I.M.,
+I should add, is at present on a lecturing tour in the Peloponnesus;
+statements in the _Custos Burdigalensis_ to the effect that He is giving
+a series of violin recitals are wholly without foundation.)  The
+impression produced is on the whole one of unanimous condemnation of His
+Majesty's recent action.  How--it is argued even by the Right--can it
+tend to the stability of Roman foreign policy that in the regrettable
+military operations between the Suebi and the Chatti the Emperor should
+have directed General Count Corbulo to prepare an invincible plan of
+campaign for each of the belligerents?  The Extreme Left, as represented
+by Messrs. Barea and T. Peters (? Paetus), goes much farther, and does
+not hesitate to criticize the autocratic dilettantism which professes to
+lay down the law on artistic matters which it does not in the least
+understand.  It is time (said one speaker) that our so-called Emperor
+should cease to be persuaded by the plaudits of a decadent and servile
+entourage into imagining Himself a Second Sarasatius.  Absolutism is
+generally condemned.
+
+Messrs. Nerva and Nymphidius and other prominent Imperialists have, of
+course, defended their master; but their apologies, it is felt, were
+somewhat perfunctory and half-hearted.  In allusion to the lamented
+demise of the Dowager Empress, it was pointed out that pity and loyalty
+alike should forbid trampling on a Ruler bowed down by repeated domestic
+bereavements; and attempts were made to enlist sympathy for the Imperial
+Orphan.  These, however, have not been uniformly crowned with success.
+
+Tension undoubtedly exists.  I cannot (to speak plainly) conceal from
+myself the fact that in a given contingency, the nature of which it is
+unnecessary and, perhaps, undesirable to specify further, circumstances
+at present unforeseen might conceivably pave the way for developments of
+which it might be impossible to predict the eventual termination.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+"Ought Nero to Abdicate?" is the subject of a "symposium" in the current
+_Primum Saeculum et Post_.  The signatures L and S are commonly
+associated with the talented author whose _Pharsalia_ has long been
+recognized as the most charming of Saturnalian gift-books, and the Rev.
+L. A. Seneca, formerly private tutor in His Majesty's household.  Should
+H.I.M. decide to abdicate, it is anticipated that He will edit our
+Boeotian contemporary the _Oracle_, which is sadly in need of new blood.
+Nero will give it that.  The meetings held at the Palazzo Pisone were
+strictly private.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+The Suebian Press continues to hint at fresh indiscretions.  There is no
+doubt that a state of tension exists, which can only be alleviated by the
+restoration of reciprocal confidence between H.I.M. and the Roman people.
+The result of the approaching conference between the Emperor and Prince
+Tigellinus is eagerly discussed.
+
+                                                                    Later.
+
+H.M.'s interview with the Chancellor at Brundisium is stated to have been
+productive of entirely satisfactory results.  It is said that Nero now
+thoroughly understands the situation, and is resolved to remodel His
+conduct accordingly.  Tension is greatly alleviated.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+I cannot more graphically summarize the present improved situation than
+by quoting the headlines in the _Acta Diurna_.
+
+                       GREAT REVIEW OF PRAETORIANS
+                        OUTSIDE THE SENATE HOUSE.
+                        RESTORED RELATIONS BETWEEN
+                      CONSCRIPT FATHERS AND EMPEROR.
+                        HIS MAJESTY IN THE SENATE.
+                        AVE CAESAR OPTIME MAXIME.
+                            GREAT ENTHUSIASM.
+                   DIVINE HONOURS PRACTICALLY CERTAIN.
+                       IMPROVED FINANCIAL POSITION.
+                      NEW ISSUE OF CONSULS EXPECTED.
+
+All this tends to indicate that the period of mutual suspicion and
+distrust is practically at an end.  Nothing shows it more clearly than
+the happy renewal of social relations between the Emperor and the leading
+members of the Senate.  As a guarantee of good feeling, several of our
+legislators have consented, at His Majesty's earnest request, to assist
+Him in the forthcoming Pageant of Empire to be held in the Circus
+Maximus.  Their collaboration is indeed indispensable, large consignments
+of empty lions being reported to have arrived at Ostia.  The hearty
+sympathy between our Ruler and His people is still further attested by
+the fact that several Senators who were but lately among the foremost
+critics of Absolutism are now taking a personal and prominent share in
+the scheme of street illuminations recently suggested to the Emperor by
+His Chancellor.  Members of the Stoic Democratic Federation have been
+invited to meet H.I.M. at dinner at the Cafe Locusta.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+The Cafe Locusta dinner has been a great success.  It is not expected
+that the Stoic Democratic Federation will express any further opinion
+hostile to the Imperial policy.
+
+M. Nymphidius has been commissioned to form a Ministry.
+
+Not the least noteworthy among social _evenements_ is the departure of
+Piso (whose tendency to form cabals has for some time been a sore subject
+in Imperialistic circles) for his estates in Thule, N.B.  He has left,
+according to one account, by the Hook (_unco_).
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+I quote from the Court Journal:--
+
+    "The Emperor Nero reigns in the hearts of His People.  Persons
+    asserting the contrary will be decapitated."
+
+
+
+
+PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY
+
+
+Going down the other day to the Kerameikos, I met my friend Philogeorgos,
+who is at present one of those who desire to hold office in the city.
+And I said to him--
+
+"Philogeorgos, you look sad; is it because you fear lest you should not
+be elected Archon?"
+
+"No, Socrates," he replied.  "It is not that which saddens me; it is the
+baseness of those who try to prevent the people from choosing me."
+
+"In what way do they act basely?" I asked.
+
+"There is a certain wine-seller," he said, "who is offering what the
+Hyperboreans call Free Drinks (that is, you know, draughts of wine
+without payment) to all those who will vote for Misogeorgos, but not for
+me."
+
+"That is very unkind of the wine-seller.  But why do you say that the
+transaction is base?"
+
+"Why, of course it is base.  How can it be anything else?"
+
+"When we predicate baseness of a transaction," I said, "we must also
+predicate baseness of those who are concerned in it, or at least of one
+of them.  Now, Philogeorgos, let me ask you a question; for you are
+accustomed by this time to answer questions.  When you wish for a pair of
+shoes or a flute, how do you obtain one?"
+
+"How else," he said, "except by buying it from a shoemaker or a maker of
+flutes?"
+
+"How else, indeed?" I replied.  "So, then, the tradesman gives you
+something which he possesses; and you give the tradesman in return
+something which you possess.  And this exchange is advantageous to both
+of you, and honourable; is it not?"
+
+"I suppose so."
+
+"And neither of you becomes base?"
+
+"Neither."
+
+"Then it is not a base transaction?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Now consider in this way; Does a vote belong to the man who possesses a
+vote?"
+
+"Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to quibble, as usual."
+
+"It is only by dialectic," I replied, "that we can arrive at the truth.
+And the wine belongs, I suppose, to the wine-seller?"
+
+"It would seem so, at least."
+
+"Then when the wine-seller gets the voter's vote in exchange for his own
+wine, they simply give each other what each possesses; and such a
+transaction, as you have said, is advantageous to both parties, and
+honourable, and not base at all."
+
+"I said," he replied, rather angrily, "that you were going to quibble.
+Of course, the case is quite different.  A vote is a sacred thing; and it
+ought not to be exchanged for the satisfaction of mere bodily desires,
+such as the desire for drink."
+
+"Nor for any other material comfort?" I asked.
+
+"Certainly not," he replied.
+
+"Nobly spoken, indeed!" I said.  "But I confess, all the same, that you
+rather surprise me; for only this morning I heard the herald proclaiming
+in your name that all the citizens would have Free Food if they voted for
+Philogeorgos.  And I remember how some years ago either Phaidrolithos or
+one of those around him used to promise at elections that everyone should
+have three acres of land and a cow, on condition that the city kept him
+and his party in power.  You do not mean to tell me that what
+Phaidrolithos or his friends did was base?"
+
+"No, indeed," he replied.  "But surely, Socrates, even you must see that
+this is a different matter altogether."
+
+"How different?  You say that votes must not be exchanged for material
+comforts; yet Free Food is a material comfort; and so are three acres,
+because they produce food; and so, I presume, is a cow.  And these things
+were offered to the voter in exchange for his vote, just as the
+wine-seller now is offering draughts of wine."
+
+"No, Socrates, it is not the same thing at all.  When I talk of Free
+Food, and when men like Phaidrolithos talk of land and cows, we do not
+give these things immediately in exchange for votes.  We could not; they
+are not ours to give; we have not got them."
+
+"That is very true," I said.  "For I remember when Phaidrolithos and his
+party were put in power many people used to come to those in authority
+and demand that they should now receive three acres of land each and a
+cow; and when they did not receive these things they were indignant, as
+having been deceived.  And I daresay that when you are in power men will
+come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get it.  But, as far as
+I can understand your argument, it is honourable to promise in return for
+a vote that which you cannot give; but when one promises that which he
+_can_ give, as the wine-seller does, that is base, and that makes you
+sad.  Is it not so?  And the reason seems to be that when the wine-seller
+offers Free Drinks for a vote, then the vote is sold; but when you offer
+Free Food for a vote, then it is not the vote which is sold, but only the
+voter."
+
+"Socrates," said Philogeorgos, "you are a philosopher; and no philosopher
+ever understood politics.  But I am busy, and have really no more time to
+waste upon you and your dialectics."
+
+"Farewell, then, Philogeorgos," I said; "but please do not be angry with
+me for being so stupid.  And if I were you," I continued, "I do not think
+I would be angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of
+wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not be paid
+for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of voting for you
+rather than for Misogeorgos.  Do you not think so?"
+
+But Philogeorgos was already out of hearing.
+
+
+
+
+PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE'S WILL
+
+
+"Is not this a dreadful thing, Socrates, that Balphurios has been lately
+doing about what he calls a Referendum?"
+
+"What thing?" I said.  "I have heard indeed lately that he has said
+this--that if he and his friends should be elected to sit in the
+Ecclesia, he will not propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first
+consulting the citizens; and he has invited Askoithios to do the same
+thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first consulting
+the citizens.  Is that the dreadful thing?"
+
+"So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely believe it: for it
+aims at the destruction of the democracy.  But I can tell him that
+Askoithios will certainly not do what he is invited to do."
+
+"Why will he not do it?" I asked.
+
+"Because Askoithios knows very well already that all the citizens are in
+favour of giving autonomy to the Samians."
+
+"Well, Phileleutheros," I said, "in that case he will do no harm by
+having consulted them.  And does Balphurios also know what the citizens
+think about taxing Megarian imports?"
+
+"Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and his friends) abhor
+such a plan."
+
+"Then," I said, "no harm will be done there either; for the citizens,
+being consulted, will say what they wish."
+
+"But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens should be
+consulted.  And that is why Askoithios will not consult them."
+
+"Why, Phileleutheros," I said, "are you not a democrat?"
+
+"Of course I am."
+
+"And in a democracy do not the people rule?"
+
+"I suppose so."
+
+"By saying what they wish to have done, or otherwise?"
+
+"By saying so, I suppose."
+
+"And if they are not allowed to say what they wish, they are not ruling,
+and it is not a democracy?"
+
+"Perhaps."
+
+"Then Balphurios, who asks the people what they wish, is a democratic
+man; and Askoithios, who does not ask them, is not a democratic man; nor
+are you one, apparently, O Phileleutheros."
+
+"This is all nonsense, Socrates," he said.  "Balphurios cannot be a
+democrat: for I am a democrat, and I do not agree with Balphurios.  And
+you have not the least conception of what is meant by democracy: which
+is, that certain persons are chosen by the majority of the citizens that
+they may sit in the Ecclesia and carry out the wishes of the people."
+
+"But for what reasons do you choose such persons?" I asked.
+
+"They ought to be chosen, Socrates," he replied, "because they possess
+the qualities proper to democratic men."
+
+"You mean," I said, "that they must hate and speak evil of the rich; and
+that they must wish to diminish the number of our triremes; and that they
+must refuse to tax Megarian imports; and that they must be conscious of
+their own virtues and the vices of others."
+
+"I do not altogether praise your definition; but it will do."
+
+"But with all these qualities," I said, "will your ecclesiasts always
+know what you wish when something unexpected happens about which it is
+necessary to decide?  For instance, if one of the chief speakers proposes
+a law that all burglars should be honoured by dinners in the Prytaneum,
+will not your ecclesiasts come to us and say, 'O Socrates and
+Phileleutheros, we possess all the qualities proper to democratic men: we
+are conscious of our own virtues, and we should like to diminish the
+number of your triremes: and for these qualities we have been elected;
+but as to this matter of giving burglars a dinner in the Prytaneum, about
+this we do not yet know your wishes: and we would gladly be informed by
+you?'"
+
+"If they do not know our wishes of themselves," said Phileleutheros,
+"they will suffer for it at the next election."
+
+"That is very unpleasant for them," I replied.  "Suppose now that you
+hired an architect to build you a house, and that while he was building
+it he needed your advice, and came and said to you, 'O Phileleutheros, I
+have given your house four walls and a roof according to your wishes; but
+you have not yet told me whether your banqueting-hall ought to have three
+windows or six.  About this I do not yet know your wishes, and I would
+gladly be informed by you.'  Will you then say to him that you have no
+authority to tell him your wishes any more, but that if he happens to
+decide contrary to your will you will not employ him again?  Similarly,
+it seems to me, you are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the
+agent of your wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then
+tyrants and not your servants--if to make laws not according to the will
+of the people is tyranny.  And you can punish the ecclesiasts by
+dismissing them after a time, of course; but you will only elect others
+who will be tyrants again in the same way as their predecessors."
+
+"But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent them."
+
+"Hardly," I replied.  "For your leaders of the Ecclesia, who are
+democrats and will not consult the people, and whom you praise, will ask
+the Nomothetae for their opinion three times; and when thereby they are
+quite satisfied that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it
+will forthwith become law.  So that the conclusion is this: that the
+leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to do what they
+like without consulting anybody.  And these leaders, Askoithios and his
+friends, are few in relation to the mass of the citizens, are they not?"
+
+"They are not many, certainly."
+
+"That is something to be thankful for," I said.  "They then, being few,
+will rule for the time; and when the few rule, that is oligarchy.  Is it
+not?  Unless perhaps you will say that when your enemies are in power in
+the Ecclesia, it is oligarchy; but when your friends are in power, then
+it is democracy?"
+
+"Socrates, you are right, for once.  That is precisely what I do say."
+
+
+
+
+THE TUTOR'S EXPEDIENT
+
+
+"Come in" said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: and two scholars came
+in.  (He knew they were scholars, because this was his hour for seeing
+scholars.)  One was a heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall
+hat.  The other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended
+him for an attorney's clerk; as, indeed, nature had.
+
+"Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?" inquired the Tutor.  The young men
+bowed.  "In what subjects, may I ask?  You, sir" (turning to the spruce
+youth) "Mr.--I forget your name--eh?  Oh, thanks--is it Classics?
+History?  Natural Science, perhaps?"
+
+"Oh no, sir; I hold a 'Daily Thunderer' Scholarship."
+
+"Exactly: I remember now.  You read all through _Tit-Bits_ for a whole
+year, and the 'D. T.' pays you--l,200 pounds, isn't it?  The task is a
+little dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still,
+_Tit-Bits_--"
+
+"It isn't quite that, sir," put in the youth; "it was for the
+'Encyclop--'"
+
+("I _knew_ it was dear at the price," the Tutor murmured.)
+
+'"--aedia Pananglica,'" continued the scholar.  "My Scholarship is for
+reading that.  I have it outside, in three packing-cases."
+
+"The Scholarship?" asked the Tutor, weakly.
+
+"No," said the scholar; "the 'Encyclopaedia Pananglica.'"
+
+"Well," the academic dignitary resumed, "and what have you read?  To
+prepare yourself for a university career, I mean."
+
+"The 'Encyc--'"
+
+"Of course, of course; but anything else?  I wish to know so as to advise
+you with respect to the direction of your studies.  Have you, for
+instance, read any Homer?"
+
+"Homer!" the youth replied--"Oh, yes, I know about Homer.  There is a
+picture of Homer, drawn from life, and very well reproduced, among the
+illustrations of the article 'Education.'  There is one there of
+Comenius, too.  Homer and Comenius--"
+
+"Were both educationists, I know," said the Tutor: "but not, properly
+speaking, in the same way.  However--you have not studied the father of
+poetry in the original, it would appear.  Any Xenophon, perhaps? or
+Caesar?"
+
+"I don't think I know much about Xenophon," replied the young man, "but I
+have a friend who failed in Caesar for the Cambridge Locals, and he said
+it was pretty easy."
+
+"Do you know _any_ Greek or Latin at all?"
+
+"Well, as I came along I bought a Delectus: I was told it might be
+helpful for attaining the highest honours."
+
+"Exactly.  You thought it might be helpful--of course, of course.  You
+were quite right--perfectly, perfectly correct," the Tutor murmured, with
+a faraway look in his eyes.  Then he collected himself, and turned to the
+other aspirant.  "And you, sir--pardon me, I didn't quite catch--eh?  Oh,
+thanks!--what, may I ask, are the conditions on which you hold _your_
+Scholarship?"
+
+"My education," replied the heavy young man, "was completed at the Jabez
+H. Brown University of Thessalonica, Maine, U.S.A.  I am a recipient of a
+Scholarship under the provisions of the will of the Right Honourable
+Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist.  No doubt, Professor, you
+will have heard of him."
+
+"Ah! a Rhodes Scholar," said the Tutor.  "That is better--much better.
+You will, no doubt, study the Classics.  There are those (I am well
+aware) who are disposed to object to modern American Scholarship as an
+excessive attention to minutiae: but personally, I confess, I am no enemy
+even to a meticulous exactness, which alone can save us from an incurious
+and slipshod rhetoric! . . . And what, then, are the points of
+scholarship which it has been your endeavour to elucidate?  Have you
+followed in the steps of the lamented Professor Drybones of Chicago, who
+died before he could prove, by a complete enumeration of all the
+instances in Greek literature, that [Greek text] is never the first word
+of a sentence?  Have you--"
+
+"Pardon me, Professor," put in the Rhodes Scholar.  "That ain't my
+platform at all.  I may say, I don't take any stock in literatoor."
+
+"Am I then to understand," the Tutor asked, "that you are _not_
+acquainted with the Greek and Latin Classics?"
+
+"Not considerable," replied the American.  "In fact, not any."
+
+"And to what, then, have your studies been directed?"
+
+"Not to books, Professor.  No, nor yet laboratories and such.  I was
+elected Scholar by the unanimous suffrage of my class in Thessalonica,
+Maine, for Moral Character.  When it comes to Moral Character, you look
+at me.  That is just where I am on top every time."
+
+"Moral Character!" exclaimed the Tutor, aghast.  "Oh, dear me!  I am
+afraid that won't do at all--here.  Moral Character--well, I hardly know
+how to put it--but the fact is that if _that_ is all that you have to
+rely upon, you would be sent down within a year infallibly--Oh,
+infallibly, I assure you! . . .  But," he continued, "we must try to
+think of something for both of you gentlemen.  Could I not give you both
+a letter of recommendation to my friend the Master of St. Cuthbert's?
+_There_, I know, they value very highly both morality and the
+'Encyclopaedia Pananglica.'  I am sure it would be just the place for you
+both.  Do let me write!"
+
+"As the Master of Alfred's sent Cecil Rhodes on to Auriol?" suggested the
+spruce young man, innocently.
+
+"As the Master of--why, no," said the Tutor, "I think that won't do,
+after all.  Really, I believe, we must try to keep you at Boniface."
+Boniface had suffered severely from agricultural depression.  "Well,
+gentlemen--come to me again two hours hence, and we will try to think of
+something for you.  Good morning!"
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+The Tutor was in a sad quandary.  Paid as he was by results fees, he
+could not afford to receive pupils who would disgrace him in the Schools.
+Yet it had always been his creed that a College must adapt itself to
+existing circumstances, and be instinct with the Zeit Geist.
+
+For a long time he remained wrapt in meditation.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+Two hours elapsed, and the Tutor was again confronted with the twin
+aspirants to academic honours.  He regarded them with the mien of one
+visibly relieved from a load of care.  "These papers, gentlemen," he
+said, pointing to certain documents which lay upon the tutorial table,
+"relate to a project of which you have doubtless heard--I refer to the
+extension of our Public Schools into the remoter regions of the British
+Empire.  They are reprinted from Mr. Sargant's admirable letter to the
+_Times_, and the leading article on the subject.  You are acquainted with
+them--No?  Then pray take the papers: you will find them most instructive
+and agreeable reading during the voyage."
+
+"The--the voyage?" exclaimed the Rhodes Scholar.
+
+"Certainly," said the Tutor, "during the voyage.  During the long
+afternoons when you are steaming over the oily calm of the Bay of Biscay,
+or being propelled (by friendly natives) down the rushing waters of
+the--ah--Congo.  What I am proposing is that you two gentlemen should
+become members of our Branch Establishment in Timbuctoo.  You _must_ have
+heard of it!  When schemes so beneficial to the Empire are mooted, was it
+likely that the Colleges of our great Imperial Universities would not
+take the lead in the van of progress?  And when Eton, Harrow, and
+Giggleswick have founded institutions, similar to themselves in every
+respect except that of mere locality, in Asia, Africa, and Australasia,
+was the College of St. Boniface to be a laggard?  Assuredly not.
+Gentlemen, I commend you to our Alma Mater beyond the seas."
+
+"But, Professor," the Rhodes Scholar objected, "I was sent here across
+the salt water dish to join the College of St. Boniface.  They were kind
+of sot upon that in Thessalonica.  I guess they will be disappointed,
+some, if I ain't made a professing member of St. Boniface."
+
+"But you will be, my dear sir--you will be!" cried the Tutor, with
+vehemence, "a member of St. Boniface-in-Timbuctoo: Sancti Bonifacii
+Collegii apud Timbuctooenses alumnus: it is precisely the same thing.
+You have doubtless read, in the course of your historical investigations,
+how Eton is really an offshoot of Winchester: is Eton not a public
+school?  Of course it is.  Similarly, in the Middle Ages a portion of the
+University broke off and migrated to Stamford.  Was it Oxford any the
+less because it happened to be at Stamford?  Not the least.  The two
+institutions--St. Boniface in Oxford and St. Boniface in Timbuctoo--are
+precisely identical.  When you gentlemen in future years are competing
+for--and I trust, I am sure, obtaining--positions of distinction and
+emolument in the great world, you will be entitled to describe yourselves
+as Boniface Men.  You can drop the 'Apud Timbuctooenses' if you like: the
+omission will not be considered fraudulent.  But I see no reason why you
+_should_ drop it.  Personally, I should glory in it.  Had I won a
+scholarship for Moral Character, I would go to Timbuctoo to-morrow!
+There, it seems to me, is your special sphere.  In Oxford, Moral
+Character is so frequent as to be a drug, a positive drug: but in
+Timbuctoo the possession is precious in proportion to its rarity."
+
+"But have they got the Tone and the Tradition there, sir?" asked the
+holder of a 'Daily Thunderer' Scholarship.  "That would be, for me, very
+important.  My family were especially anxious--"
+
+"Assuredly they have got the Tone and the Tradition.  _Coelum non animum
+mutant_--you have met with that, probably, in the 'Encyclopaedia
+Pananglica.'  Absolutely unimpaired, I assure you.  We take great pains
+about that.  Just an instance--the Visitor is the Bishop of Barchester,
+just as here with us: the local King wanted to be Visitor, but of course
+we couldn't allow that.  Imagine--a Visitor with fifty-three wives, not
+to mention!  It wouldn't have done at all: the Tone _must_ have suffered.
+We are in constant communication (wireless, of course) with the Timbuctoo
+Branch: we are always being consulted.  Only this morning we had to deal
+rather severely with an undergraduate member of the College--aboriginal,
+as many of them are--who insisted on playing the tom-tom in prohibited
+hours.  Of course, we must back up the Dean, and in case of--emergency,
+we replace him and compensate his relations."
+
+"You speak, sir," said the student of the Encyclopaedia, "of a local
+King.  I understood that the College was on British territory."
+
+"The British Empire," replied the Tutor, "includes Hinterlands.  This is
+a Hinterland.  It is consequently from time to time the duty of the local
+college authorities to assist the British Resident at the Court of
+Timbuctoo in pulling down the French, German, Italian, Russian, and
+Portuguese flags, all of which have been occasionally erected.  But the
+country is practically annexed.  We are--ah--suzerains."
+
+"I understand, Professor, from your observation relative to the tom-tom,"
+put the American scholar, "that the students of your College are
+subjected to the regular British discipline?  That would be kind of
+essential for me.  Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist, was
+particularly anxious that I should have the full advantages of your fine
+old high-toned mediaeval College rules.  You have regulations, I
+presume?"
+
+"The regulations," replied the Don, "are framed (as exactly as possible
+in the circumstances) on the lines with which we are familiar in Oxford.
+It has not been advisable, so far, to establish the Proctorial system in
+its entirety throughout the capital of Timbuctoo; but within the walls of
+St. Boniface (or perhaps in strict truth I should say within the Zariba)
+the strictest discipline prevails.  Clothing is essential--if not worn,
+at least carried in the hand--for attendance in Hall and at lectures.
+Morning chapel is obligatory: conscientious objectors, if aborigines, may
+keep a private fetish in their rooms.  Cannibalism is only permitted if
+directly authorized by the Dean, after a personal interview."
+
+This appeared to satisfy the Rhodes Scholar; his companion wished further
+to know whether residence in a Colonial College could be regarded as a
+step on the Educational Ladder.  His friends, he said, had impressed upon
+him that his function in life was to climb the Educational Ladder.
+
+"The ladder to which you refer," explained the Tutor, "can be scaled as
+well in Africa as in England.  In fact, better; there are distinctly
+greater facilities.  In view of the regrettable inadequacy (at present)
+of any organized system of primary education in Timbuctoo, secondary
+education has been obliged to modify some of its standards.  The
+University of Oxford, never backward in the march of progress, is
+prepared to make the requisite concessions; and, as a result, you will
+find that the highest honours are attainable without any acquaintance
+with the ordinary subjects of our curriculum.  It is, I should say, the
+very place for you.  Remember, too, that the very largest latitude is
+allowed--nay, encouraged--in the choice of special subjects qualifying
+for the M.A. degree; and what a field you will find!  The habits of
+residents--indeed, of some among your own fellow students--are most
+interesting to the student of Anthropology! while investigations among
+the flora and fauna of this country must be fraught with the most
+delightful potentialities.  I confess, I envy you.  I do not think I am
+saying too much if I assure you that this University will be ready and
+willing to confer upon you, not only the ordinary M.A. degree, but a
+Doctorate of Science or Letters!
+
+"Then," continued the Tutor, "as to recreations; _neque semper arcum
+tendit Apollo_--I beg your pardon, I mean to say that you cannot always
+be studying the domestic habits of the hippopotamus under a microscope.
+Sports and games you will find plentiful and interesting.  There is
+head-hunting, for instance--"
+
+"Hunting the head of the college, do you mean, Professor?" asked the
+American.
+
+"Certainly not," replied the Don, with dignity.  "That would not, under
+any circumstances, be permitted.  If it were the Dean, now--but, oh no,
+certainly not the Head.  What I refer to is the pursuit and collection of
+decapitated human heads, belonging generally to personal enemies of the
+collector; it is a sport common in Borneo, and among other interesting,
+if primitive, nationalities.  This pastime is, I understand, a favourite
+one with some students of the college.  It is practised, I need hardly
+say, under the very strictest supervision; there must be a certificate
+signed by the British Resident, and a special written recommendation from
+the Director of the Craniological Department of the Museum.  Under such
+restriction abuse is, of course, impossible.  Then, again, there is golf;
+and it is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides perhaps
+the finest natural golf links in the world."
+
+"Well, Professor," said the American, "I guess I will start.  But how are
+we going to get right there, now?  On the cars?"
+
+"By the Cape to Cairo railway, when it is open," the Tutor answered.
+"There will be a branch line.  At present, the main line is, as you are
+aware, incomplete, and the branch is--well, in course of construction.
+Passengers are conveyed by motor.  Or, if not by motor, by ox-waggon;
+trekking by the latter method is, I believe, the safer way; both,
+however, are, I understand, most commodious.  I may explain to you that
+the present is a particularly auspicious occasion for your journey; you
+will travel in the company of the new Junior Dean, whose society, I am
+sure, you will find delightful.  His predecessor, a personal friend of my
+own, succumbed, I grieve to say, a few months ago--owing to the alleged
+inadequate supply of beef-steaks at a 'Torpid' breakfast. . . . Painful,
+but apparently inevitable.  I need hardly say, the perpetrators of this
+insult have been rusticated for a whole term."
+
+"Is the Junior Dean a coloured person--a nigger?" asked the Rhodes
+Scholar.
+
+"_All_ the College officials," explained the Don, "are, in the highest
+and best sense of the word, white men.  Some of the Ordinary Fellows, it
+is true--Mr. Sargant's scheme contemplated, you see, the election to
+fellowships of persons of local distinction.  But our officials are,
+without exception, Oxford men.  It would be impossible, otherwise, to
+preserve the Tone and the Tradition."
+
+"And now, gentlemen," he continued, "I must not keep you too long.
+Procrastination is the thief of time, eh? and besides, your boat leaves
+Southampton to-morrow.  All expenses on the journey refunded by the
+Timbuctoo Bursar, on application.  Are your boxes unpacked?  No?  Then
+all you have to do is to alter the labels."
+
+"About the 'Encyclopaedia,'" said the spruce youth.  "It is in three
+packing cases--a bit 'eavy.  Will carriage be paid?"
+
+"Oh certainly, certainly," replied the Tutor.  "Of course, I _might_
+relax our regulation about bonfires in the quadrangle--but no, no, I am
+sure you will find it most useful, even up-to-date--in Timbuctoo.  _Good_
+morning!"
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+The Tutor, with a sigh of relief, renewed his perusal of the
+"Itinerarium" of Nemesianus.  Nemesianus, honest man! did not know where
+Timbuctoo was.  Nor, for the matter of that, did the Tutor.
+
+
+
+
+THE END AND OBJECT--
+
+
+"It is always interesting," said my friend, Feedingspoon, "to consider
+the various stages of the process by which knowledge is disseminated.  An
+inscription (we will say) or an important textual variation is
+discovered: it is then misinterpreted to fit a preconceived theory; then
+it is introduced into a cheap German edition, for the School-Use
+explained.  Subsequently, an English school-book is copied from the
+German: the English commentary is imparted (by me) to undergraduates, in
+the form of lectures; and the undergraduates' notes are presently
+submitted to an examiner in the Schools, who marks them _a_--?, and says
+they show evidence of some original research.  By how many degrees, do
+you suppose, is the examiner removed from the truth?"
+
+"It depends," I said, "whether he be a D.D., an M.A., or a D.Litt.  But I
+do not understand the necessity of the lecturer.  Cannot your
+undergraduate read the English book for himself?"
+
+"No," he replied, "he cannot.  There are, of course, exceptional persons.
+But the ordinary man's mind is so constructed that he is incapable of
+comprehending that which is seen by the eyes unless it be also heard by
+the ears.  Moreover, when he is not safely shut up in a lecture-room, he
+is almost always compelled to be either eating, or playing football, or
+meeting his maternal uncle at the station.  Lastly, if the student could
+read for himself, there would be no need of a lecturer: which is absurd.
+
+"Such being the admitted theory of education," continued Feedingspoon, "I
+feel that I am necessary to the machinery of the Universe.  The position
+which I occupy is at the same time one of some labour.  This morning, for
+instance, I rose late (having been occupied till past midnight in reading
+to my pupils selections from the _Poetics_ of Aristotle, in order that
+they might sleep soundly and wake refreshed): hence, I was unable to
+follow my usual practice, which is, to call my alumni at 6.30, to
+accompany them in a walk before breakfast, and map out the scheme of
+reading which they are to follow until luncheon.  I only trust that this
+isolated omission of a plain duty may not wreck their futures!  As a
+result of my somnolence, I had but ten minutes in which to prepare two
+lectures on subjects of which I had previously been ignorant; but, thanks
+to Mr. Gow's _Handbook to School Classics_--a work with which my pupils
+are unfamiliar because I have not yet told them to read it--I succeeded
+in displaying an erudition which, in the circumstances, was creditable.
+Since the conclusion of my lectures, I have been employed in visiting the
+candidates whom I am preparing for examination, and encouraging them to
+continue their studies.  Personal attention is indispensable to the true
+educator.  But I must confess that I am somewhat dashed and embarrassed
+by the receipt of a request from Tomkins, a scholar of this College, that
+I should discontinue my daily inspection of his reading, as he wishes to
+have time to do some work: coupled with a letter from the Senior Tutor,
+who wishes to know if I do not think that a little more individual
+attention is advisable in the case of Tomkins. . . .
+
+"I must now," he said, "ask you to excuse me.  The representatives of my
+College are about to play a football match in the Parks: and although the
+game is one with the rules of which I have never been able to familiarize
+myself, and in which, between ourselves, I take no interest whatever, I
+conceive that my absence from the crowd of spectators might well loosen
+that sympathy between myself and the junior members of the College,
+without which they must infallibly meet the fate of the man who reads his
+books for himself and neglects the dictation of his Tutor.  Moreover, I
+have to spend the later part of the afternoon in reading the Cr--, I
+should say, the admirable and scholarly version of Professor Jebb--to
+three Commoners who are taking up Sophocles for Honour Moderations."
+
+"Your day," I said, "seems indeed to be somewhat occupied.  Let me at
+least hope that the work which you are doing will win you the applause of
+the learned, and a place among the Educationists of the century."
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+On leaving Feedingspoon, it happened that the first man whom I met was
+Fadmonger, _the_ Fadmonger, the one with a Continental reputation.  He
+had been ordered to play golf in the morning, and was returning from the
+links.  As we walked together towards the North of Oxford, I was about to
+repeat to him the substance of my conversation with Feedingspoon.  But on
+my mentioning the latter's name, Fadmonger interposed, and said that he
+really could not trust himself to speak on that subject.  He then
+discoursed upon it at great length, using the most violent language about
+Obscurantism, Packed Boards, the Tutorial Profession, Sacrifice of
+Research to Examination, Frivolous Aims and Obsolete Methods, and the
+like.
+
+"What," he cried indignantly, "are we to think of a curriculum--so
+called--which includes the _Republic_ of Plato and excludes the
+_Onomasticon_ of Julius Pollux?"
+
+"Assuredly," I replied, "there can be only one opinion about it."
+
+"Exactly," he said; "you are one of the few sensible men I know.  Our
+methods, I can tell you, are getting us into serious discredit abroad.  I
+should just like you to hear the things which are said about Literae
+Humaniores by Professor Jahaleel Q. Potsherds of Johns Hopkins, and
+Doctor Grabenrauber of Weissnichtwo.  They think very little of this
+University at Johns Hopkins."
+
+"Indeed," I said; "I am pained to hear it."
+
+"Yes," replied Fadmonger; "it worries me a good deal.  I have almost
+resolved to give up the rest of my lectures for the Term, and go to the
+Riviera for a complete change. . . .
+
+"No," he continued, after a pause, "there is nothing to be hoped from the
+College Tutor.  Obscurantist he is, and obscurantist he will remain: he
+is our great impediment to serious study--study, that is, of anything
+except so-called classical texts.  It is to the young student that we
+must look for salvation.  Do you know young Frawde of my College?  I have
+had most interesting talks with him--a really able man, but of course
+quite misunderstood by his tutors: able men always are."
+
+"He is, I suppose," said I, "reading for a Final Honour School."
+
+"Of course he is doing nothing of the kind," Fadmonger replied with some
+warmth.  "In the present degraded condition of Honour Greats it is quite
+unworthy of a serious student.  He is at present preparing to take a pass
+degree: and after that he thinks of going abroad to devote himself
+seriously to a course of Tymborychology.  A most interesting young man,
+with admirably sound ideas on the present state of the Schools. . . ."
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+It happens that I know Frawde: and when I next met him I commented with
+some surprise on his new departure.  Frawde was quite candid, and said it
+had been necessary to do something in order to patch up his much-ploughed
+character before Collections.  He had been plausible, and Fadmonger
+credulous.
+
+"And really, you know, the Fadder wasn't half a bad chap"--he had given
+Frawde a recommendation to read in the Bodder--"and I am going there
+too," said the serious student, "as soon as I can find out where it is:
+but nobody seems to know.  After all, lots of chaps go abroad after their
+degraggers: why shouldn't I have a spade and dig in Egypt or Mesopotamia
+or somewhere, same as anybody else?  Eh?"
+
+And, upon my word, I really don't see why he shouldn't.
+
+
+
+
+THE TORTURED TUTOR:
+A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD
+
+
+"The question is," said Pluto to the deceased Tutor, "which of our
+penalties we can assign to you.  Something you must have, you know: it's
+the rule of the place."
+
+"Sorry to hear you say so," replied the Tutor.  "I _had_ hoped that
+perhaps I might be allowed a little quiet to enjoy the pleasant
+warmth--my doctor really sent me here as an alternative to Algiers--and
+possibly throw in a little journalistic work which would advertise you in
+the evening papers.  You're not known enough up there."
+
+"Not known?  Why, surely you yourself must often have been recommended
+to--"
+
+"Of course, of course," the Tutor hastily interrupted,--"but not by any
+one whose opinion or advice I at all respected.  Whereas if I might just
+have leisure to look round and jot things down, now that I am here, I
+could put you in touch with specialists who--"
+
+"Now, look here," said the Monarch, "if you're going to stay here at all,
+you must please to remember that this isn't a University.  I simply won't
+have idlers loafing round wasting their own time and demoralizing society
+with their lazy habits.  Pardon my abruptness" (he continued, more
+mildly), "but with all the exclusiveness in the world I can't prevent our
+getting a little mixed now and then, and if people come here with
+academic ideas I really couldn't be responsible for order and morality.
+We should be as Anglo-Indian as Olympus in no time."
+
+"Very true! very true!" said the Shade.  "I quite see.  Satan finds some
+mischief still--eh? as I used to say when I was a Dean.  Since you really
+insist on it, I suppose there _had_ better be some trifling torture by
+way of occupation.  Only look here--it mustn't be any of the things I
+used to do up above.  Quite absurd, you know, to go on reading the same
+books you did at school--no, I mean, to be made to continue on the same
+old lines I followed before I came up--down, I should say.  It's so
+monotonous, and it isn't improving."
+
+"Well," said Pluto, "we'll see what can be done, on that assumption.  It
+does rather limit possibilities, though, doesn't it?  You see I have to
+confess that, considering it's the nineteenth century, we are a little
+behind the times--no great variety in the matter of punishments."
+
+"Why don't you bring them up to date?" asked the visitor.
+
+"Practically," he replied, "it's a question of expense.  With funds, I
+could do much more.  Roasting over a slow fire, for instance, is good:
+they have that in another place: but just think of the coal bill!  Then
+viva-voceing and vivisecting without anaesthetics are of course
+admirable; but the cost of expert labour involved would be ruinous.
+Result is, that nearly all my penalties are self-acting and consequently
+simple in design; and, on the whole, except in the case of _blases_
+people who come here with a too varied experience, they answer tolerably
+well."
+
+"All right," said the Tutor, "suggest an occupation."
+
+"Let me see," said the Ruler of the Shades, and he pondered a few
+moments.  "How would it be, now, if you were to take a turn with our
+friend Sisyphus?  He rolls a big stone up a hill, and just as he thinks
+it's going to get to the top, down it comes again--most disappointing.
+Quite inexpensive, and very healthy, _I_ should say, and really, as an
+object-lesson in the force of gravity, not uninstructive."
+
+"Won't do at all," replied the Tutor.  "In the Vacations I was always
+walking up hills and having to come down before I got to the top.  Then
+in the Term I used to teach Logic to passmen; and really, if you think--"
+
+"Yes, yes," Pluto agreed; "the occupations would be practically
+identical.  Of course, that won't suit you.  Well, then, there's Ixion,
+who goes round on a wheel."
+
+"I'm a bicyclist myself," objected the Tutor.
+
+"Are you?  Pity, too, because Ixion says his wheel's old-fashioned; he
+wants a new one with pneumatic tyres warranted puncturable, which shows
+that he is really entering into the spirit of the thing.  You might have
+had his old one for a song, I'm sure.  However, what do you say to
+calling on those Danaid girls, and getting them to teach you their little
+industry?  There, again, you have simplicity itself.  Take a can with a
+hole in the bottom, go on pouring water into it--"
+
+"I thought I told you," murmured the deceased, wearily, "that I have
+followed the profession of teaching."
+
+"Very true; I had forgotten.  Don't know what we can do to suit you,
+really!  Perhaps you'd like to imitate Theseus--_sedet aeternumque
+sedebit_, as Virgil said.  Astonishing how Virgil picked these details
+up!  There's old Theseus, sitting like a hen.  They say he's as tired of
+sitting as if he were a rowing-man."
+
+"As an ex-member of the Board of the Faculty of Arts--" began the Tutor.
+
+"Ah, dear me!" replied Pluto.  "Then that won't do either?  Those Boards
+must be excellent from my point of view.  I have often wished I had one
+or two down here.  But I'm really afraid we're getting to the end of the
+list.  And, you know, if we can't provide you with anything, back you'll
+have to go.  _I_ won't keep you, eating your head off.  But, talk of
+eating! shall I put you up beside Prometheus, and ask his eagle to do a
+little overtime work by taking a turn at your liver?  I am afraid we
+could hardly stand you a private eagle all to yourself.  It is said to be
+quite painful; I really don't think you can have gone through that, with
+all your experience."
+
+"Oh yes I have," returned the Tutor; "a long course of Hall dinners has
+familiarized me with every possibility in the way of liver trouble.  The
+eagle business would be the merest _crambe repetita_."
+
+"Bless the man!" cried Pluto, justly provoked.  "Very well; then you
+can't stay here, that's all.  I've given you all the alternatives Hades
+has at its disposal, and you tell us you have been through them all in
+your University!  All I can say is, you had better go back to it, and
+stay there."
+
+"The Bursar," said the Tutor, "will not be best pleased to see me again.
+He thinks he has got my Fellowship, and is going to use it for the
+benefit of the College farms.  I can tell you he won't like it one bit
+when I reappear at the College Meeting."
+
+"The Bursar and I shall have plenty of time for an explanation--later,"
+said Pluto.
+
+
+
+
+THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL {77}
+
+
+I have been a good deal distressed lately by the reverses of my friend
+John Bull, who is one of the leading tradesmen in this town.  Everybody
+knows his establishment.  It does a very large business indeed: you can
+get practically everything there--coals, Lee-Metford rifles, chocolate,
+biscuits, steam-engines, Australian mutton, home and colonial produce of
+every kind, in short.  My old friend is tremendously proud of his shop,
+which, as he says, he has made what it is by strict honesty (and really
+for an enterprising tradesman he is fairly honest) and attention to
+business principles.  He has put a deal of capital into it, and spares no
+expense in advertising; in fact, he keeps a regular department for
+poetry, which is written on the premises and circulated among customers
+and others, and explains in the most beautiful language that the house in
+Britannia Road is the place to go to for everything.  John, who prides
+himself on his literary taste, considers this to be the finest poetry
+ever written; and Mrs. Bull reads it out to him in the evening before he
+has his regular snooze after supper.
+
+Everything was going on swimmingly until this unfortunate Hooligan
+trouble began.  I must explain to you that Mr. Bull owns a great deal
+more property than the actual premises where he transacts business.
+Somehow or other, in course of time he has become the proprietor of bits
+and scraps all over the town and suburbs--tenements, waste lands,
+eligible building sites, warehouses, and what not--the whole making up
+what, if it was put together, would be a very considerable estate.  How
+it all came into John Bull's hands nobody knows properly; indeed, I don't
+think he does himself.  Some of it was bought, and bought pretty dear
+too.  Some of it was left to him.  A good deal of it he--one doesn't like
+using the word, but still--well, in fact, took; but, mind you, he always
+took everything for its good, and for the ultimate benefit of society,
+not for any selfish reasons; so that to call Mr. Bull a pirate, as Dubois
+does who keeps the toy-shop over the way, is manifestly absurd.  Anyhow,
+it is a very fine property, and would be bigger still if Jonathan C., a
+cousin of the family, hadn't taken off a good slice which used to belong
+to John.
+
+As I was saying, this property is a very large straggling affair, most of
+it a long way off from the shop.  Its owner finds it very hard to look
+after every part; all the more so, because this town has no regular
+police, and is therefore continually troubled by gangs of roughs, who go
+about breaking windows and even heads, and doing damage generally.  They
+are always giving a great deal of trouble to the Bull people; and what
+makes it worse is that very often they are actually tenants on the
+property, who ought to know better.  One of these Hooligan crowds lately
+made a dead set against poor John; it was all the harder because to my
+personal knowledge he had shown himself most kind and forgiving to
+various members of this particular gang; and once before, when they came
+and broke his windows, he refused to prosecute, and simply gave them five
+shillings to drink Mrs. Bull's health and not do it again.  That is the
+kind of man he is, sometimes.  In spite of this indulgent and charitable
+treatment, they came the other day and made a raid into an outlying
+corner of his property and did all sorts of damage; and not content with
+this, they actually squatted there on land which was no more theirs than
+it is mine (I am thankful to say), where they insulted and even assaulted
+innocent passers-by, and levied blackmail on John Bull's adjacent
+tenants, and, in short, became the terror of the neighbourhood and a
+disgrace to civilization.  And when Mr. Bull's watchman (I told you there
+is no regular police force, and everybody has to look after himself),
+when Thomas Atkins, I say, came with orders to turn them out, they told
+him to go--I hardly like to say where--and absolutely refused to stir;
+quite the contrary; they hid themselves behind rubbish-heaps and
+hoardings and such like, and threw things at Thomas; and when he tried to
+catch them, they ran away and hid behind more hoardings, so that when you
+thought they were in one place they were always somewhere else, and the
+poor watchman got so knocked about with stones and brickbats that the
+next morning, when he came round to the shop to report progress, he had a
+black eye, and a cut head, and a torn coat, and a nasty bruise on one of
+his legs.  Mrs. Bull had to patch up his coat and give him some arnica
+and vaseline.
+
+Poor Mr. Atkins!  He is a most respectable man, and an excellent
+watchman, as was his father before him.  It is a tradition of the Atkins
+family that they are as brave as lions, and do not know what fear is; but
+unfortunately they are not always very clever, and Thomas is a little
+slow at learning, and does not pick up new tricks readily.  His father
+had a tremendous hammer-and-tongs battle with the Dubois' watchman once,
+right in the middle of the public street--thirty-six rounds or so they
+had of it--and licked him, as John Bull says, in true British style; and
+that is always Thomas's way, and the only thing that he understands
+properly; none of your underhand dodges like hiding behind places and
+throwing brickbats when one isn't looking.  So that the Hooligan ways of
+fighting were quite too much for him at first.  And although Mr. Bull
+spent a lot of money in buying him a new watchman's rattle and a very
+expensive second-hand truncheon, nearly as good as the best kind, still
+it was all no good, and Thomas couldn't turn the invaders out.
+
+All this time you must not suppose that Mr. Bull's neighbours had nothing
+to say about the matter.  On the contrary, they were very much interested
+and, I am sorry to say, pleased.  Dubois the Frenchman, and Muller, the
+man who keeps the World's Cheap Emporium, and Alexis Ivanovitch, the big
+cornfactor in the next street who is always maltreating his workmen, were
+never tired of saying nasty things about Mr. Bull and crowing over the
+mishaps of Mr. Atkins.  Everybody knows what a terrible quarrel there was
+some years ago between Muller and Dubois, and how Muller went into the
+toyshop and thrashed the Frenchman then and there, so that poor Dubois
+had to go to bed for a week, and for a long time afterwards used to go
+about vowing vengeance.  But this didn't in the least prevent the two
+from fraternizing on the common ground of enmity to John Bull.  They
+would meet--by accident, of course--just under his windows, and then
+Muller would say, very loud, to Dubois, "Is it not ridiculous, my friend,
+that this once apparently so mighty Herr Bull and his watchman should
+again by the Hooliganish crowd have been defeated?"  Or perhaps, "This is
+what comes of your big businesses and your straggling premises with no
+one to protect them.  How much better to have a small compact business
+(though it's not so small either, mind you) like my Emporium, by a large
+number of properly trained watchmen defended!"  And Dubois would say,--so
+that it annoyed the Bull household very much indeed,--"Behold the fruits
+of being a pirate and a robber.  Conspuez M. Atkins!  Justice for ever!
+A bas les Juifs!" (he always says that now when he is angry--goodness
+only knows why).  Indeed Dubois got so excited that he actually thought
+of breaking John's windows, though on reflection he decided that he
+wouldn't do it just yet.  And John was very cross with Atkins and the
+shopboy, and even with Mrs. Bull and his son J. Wellington Bull, and
+caused it to be generally known that he would knock Dubois's head off for
+sixpence if he got the chance.  Then Paddy Gilhooly, who is a tenant of
+the Bulls', in Hibernia Road--and a shocking bad tenant, too, who never
+pays any rent when he can help it, and keeps his premises in a
+disgraceful condition, with a lot of pigs and poultry running about in
+the front parlour--this Paddy must needs put his finger in the pie and
+turn against his own landlord, so that whenever Mr. Atkins came along
+Hibernia Road Paddy would put his head out of window and shout,
+"Hooligans for iver!  More power to th' inimy!  Crunchy aboo!" and other
+similar observations, of which no one took the least notice, because it
+was the way with the Gilhooly family.  Still, it was very ungrateful of
+Paddy, after all John's kindness to him; besides being painful to Mr.
+Atkins, who is a near cousin of the Gilhoolys and would not wish to be
+disgraced by the conduct of his relations.  I don't know why it is, but
+somehow or other Mr. Bull has not the gift of making himself generally
+popular.  Time after time he has lent Paddy money; and as for Muller and
+Dubois, if they want good advice on the proper conduct of their business,
+they know where to come for it: but they don't seem to appreciate the
+privilege.  In short, if it wasn't for that little bankrupt wine merchant
+Themistocles Papageorgios, whom John saved some time ago from the
+consequences of litigation with a Turkish firm, I doubt if my poor friend
+has one sincere wellwisher among all the townsmen.
+
+However, I am glad to say that most of them have begun to change their
+tune lately, thanks to Mr. Bull's luck being on the mend.  Thomas Atkins
+did not make a very good start, certainly; but as time went on he learnt
+a number of new tricks, and the violent exercise which he had to take put
+him into excellent training.  Moreover, some cousins of the Bulls showed
+a very proper family spirit, and sent the eldest son, Larry, to help Mr.
+Atkins.  So, what with Thomas being, so to speak, a new man, and Larry
+being very strong and active, and the shopboy coming out to lend a hand
+when required, the three between them began to turn the tables.  They
+caught two or three of the marauders at last, and had them locked up; and
+I sincerely hope and trust that they will do the same with all the rest
+very soon.  This seems to have produced a great change in the sentiments
+of Mr. Bull's fellow-citizens.  Muller is not nearly so contemptuous as
+he used to be about Atkins; and Dubois, I suppose, has remembered that he
+is going to have a big summer sale this year, and that it would be very
+embarrassing, under the circumstances, to be embroiled with an
+influential person like this brave M. Bull, as he calls him now.  Only
+Ivanovitch is still very sulky and goes on using violent expressions.  I
+am afraid there will be trouble yet between my poor friend and the
+cornfactor--though goodness knows the town ought to be big enough to hold
+both of them.  But the fact is they have both got mortgages on a china
+shop in the suburbs which is in a bad way financially, and it makes them
+as jealous of each other as possible.
+
+Evidently this Hooligan affair is not going to last for ever; and, on the
+whole, if things don't get worse, Bull may congratulate himself on having
+done pretty well so far.  But it has hit him rather hard.  What with
+buying things for Mr. Atkins and paying him for working overtime, and
+having had to put up new fire-proof shutters, and sending out the shopboy
+away from his duties to help Atkins and Larry, he has lost a deal of
+money, one way and another; and besides, as he is very much afraid of
+this kind of thing happening again, it looks as if the whole business of
+the shop were going to be put on a different footing.  For here is J.
+Wellington Bull, who was to have helped behind the counter, going out now
+to do watchman's duty with the others; and as likely as not the old man
+himself will have to take to patrolling his property instead of looking
+after his customers; so that, in all probability, there will be no one
+but Mrs. B. to see after the shop.  And, as John said to me the other
+day, these are no times for leaving a business to be managed by old
+women.
+
+He says he has seen enough of that kind of thing.
+
+
+
+
+THE NATION IN ARMS
+
+
+   This is the tale that is told of an almost universally respected
+   Minister,
+   Who, being fully aware of the views of Continental Potentates, and
+   their plans ambitious and sinister,
+   For the better defence of his native land, and to free her from
+   continual warlike alarms,
+   Determined that he would popularize the conception (and a very good
+   one too) of a Nation in Arms!
+   Now this is the way he proceeded to fan the flame of patriot ardour--
+   (This metre looks at first as easy to write as blank verse, or Walt
+   Whitman, but is in reality considerably harder),--
+   He assured his crowded audience that, while everyone must deprecate a
+   horrid, militant, Jingoist attitude,
+   Not to serve one's country--at least on Saturday afternoons--was the
+   very blackest ingratitude:
+   Death on the battlefield,--or at least the expense of buying a
+   uniform,--was the patriots' chiefest glory;
+   Dulce et decorum est (said the statesman, amid thunderous cheers) pro
+   patria mori!
+   Everyone should be ready to defend his hearth and home, be it humble
+   cot or family mansion,
+   Provided always that he discouraged a tendency to Militarism and
+   Imperial Expansion:
+   That was the habit of mind which a Briton's primary duty to stifle
+   was,
+   Seeing that the country's salvation lay rather with the intelligent,
+   spontaneous, disinterested volunteer who didn't care how obsolete the
+   pattern of his rifle was:
+   Too much skill in shooting or drill was a perilous thing, and he did
+   not mean to acquire it,
+   For fear of alarming peace-loving Emperors and such-like by display of
+   a combative spirit;
+   Regular armies tended to that: and in view of the state of
+   international conditions he
+   Meant to cut down our own to the minimum consistent with Guaranteed
+   Efficiency,--
+   Being convinced as he was that an army recruited and trained on a
+   properly peaceful principle
+   Would be wholly (and here comes a rhyme that won't please the mere
+   purist, but I'm sorry to say it's the only available one) wholly, I
+   say, and completely invincible!
+   This being so, he did not propose to devise any scheme or with
+   cut-and-dried details to fetter a
+   Patriot Public which quite understood of itself that England
+   Expects--et cetera.
+   After this oratorical burst, as the country next day was informed by
+   about two hundred reporters,
+   The Right Honourable Gentleman resumed his seat amid loud and
+   continuous applause, having spoken for two hours and three quarters.
+   The Public at once declared with unanimity so remarkable that nothing
+   would well surpass it
+   That patriotic self-sacrifice was a Priceless National Asset:
+   No rational person, they said, could fail to be deeply impressed by
+   the charms
+   Of that truly august conception, a Nation in Arms:
+   To become expert in the use of strictly defensive weapons, spear or
+   sword, Lee-Metford, torpedo, or sabre,
+   Was a duty--if not for oneself, yet incumbent without any shadow of
+   doubt on one's neighbour;
+   Still there were some who might possibly urge that the world was at
+   peace, and the time was not ripe yet for it,--
+   Besides the undoubted fact that a patriot who was asked to sacrifice
+   his Saturday half-holiday might legitimately inquire what he was
+   likely to get for it;
+   So on the whole while they recognized quite (what a metre this is, to
+   be sure!) that the Minister's scheme was replete with attraction,
+   They decided to wait for a while (what with the danger of encouraging
+   a spirit of Militarism and a number of other excellent reasons) before
+   putting his plan into action.
+   Then the Continental Potentates--and if I venture at all to allude to
+   them, it is
+   Only to show how all this Nation-in-Arms business may lead to the most
+   regrettable extremities:
+   This part of my poem in short most painful and sad to a lover of peace
+   is,
+   And in fact I believe I can deal with it best by a delicate use of the
+   figure Aposiopesis--
+   However--the net result was that a time arrived when Consols went down
+   to nothing at all, caddies in thousands were thrown out of work and
+   professional footballers docked of their salary,
+   And several League matches had to be played at a lamentable financial
+   loss in the absence of the usual gallery!
+   Then, some time after that (it's really impossible to say what
+   happened in between) when business at last had resumed its usual
+   working,
+   And the nation in general was no longer engaged in painfully realistic
+   manoeuvres, on the Downs, between Guildford and Dorking,--
+   Then the public met and resolved like the person whose case is
+   recorded in fable
+   That now that the steed had been stolen (or at least suffered from
+   exposure to the air) it was high time to close the door of the stable;
+   And that never again no more should their cricket-fields, football
+   grounds, croquet lawns, bunkers,
+   Be profaned by the feet of Cossacks, Chasseurs, Bashi-Bazouks, or
+   Junkers;
+   And I don't think they talked very big about Nations in Arms, or
+   inscribed on their banners any particularly inspiring motto,
+   But they learnt to shoot and to drill, not more or less but quite
+   well--in spite of the dangers of Militarism--for the plain and simple
+   reason that they'd got to!
+
+
+
+
+THE INCUBUS
+
+
+   Essence of boredom! stupefying Theme!
+      Whereon with eloquence less deep than full,
+   Still maundering on in slow continuous stream,
+      All can expatiate, and all be dull:
+   Bane of the mind and topic of debate
+      That drugs the reader to a restless doze,
+   Thou that with soul-annihilating weight
+      Crushest the Bard, and hypnotisest those
+   Who plod the placid path of plain pedestrian Prose:
+
+   Lo! when each morn I carefully peruse
+      (Seeking some subject for my painful pen)
+   The _Times_, the _Standard_, and the _Daily News_,
+      No other topic floats into my ken
+   Save this alone: or Dr. Clifford slates
+      Dogmas in general: or the dreadful ban
+   Of furious Bishops excommunicates
+      Such simple creeds as Birrell, hopeful man!
+   Thinks may perhaps appease th' unwilling Anglican.
+
+   Lo! at Society's convivial board
+      (Whereat I do occasionally sit,
+   In hope to bear within my memory stored
+      Some echo thence of someone else's wit),
+   Or e'er the soup hath yielded to the fish,
+      A heavy dulness doth the banquet freeze:
+   Lucullus' self would shun th' untasted dish
+      When lovely woman whispers, "Tell me, please,
+   What _are_ Denominational Facilities?"
+
+   From scenes like these my Muse would fain withdraw:
+      To Taff's still Valley be my footsteps led,
+   Where happy Unions 'neath the shield of Law
+      Heave bricks bisected at the Blackleg's head:
+   In those calm shades my desultory oat
+      Of Taxed Land Values shall contented trill,
+   Of Man ennobled by a Single Vote,--
+      In short, I'll sing of anything you will,
+   Except of thee alone, O Education Bill!
+
+
+
+
+THE WORKING MAN
+(After seeing his Picture in the Press)
+
+
+   Working Man! whose psychic beauty
+      (Unattainable by me)
+   Still it is my pleasing duty
+      Painted by your friends to see,--
+   You, whose virtues ne'er can bore us,
+      Daily through their list we scan,
+   Let me swell th' admiring chorus,
+      Let me hymn the Working Man!
+
+   You whose Leaders, highly moral,
+      Always shocked by war's alarms,
+   Could not in their country's quarrel
+      Contemplate the use of arms,
+   Yet, should strikes provide occasion,
+      Then by higher promptings led
+   Do with more than moral suasion
+      Break the erring Blackleg's head:--
+
+   You, whose intellectual state is
+      Such that you are aiming at
+   Getting all your culture gratis
+      (Not that you're alone in that),--
+   Always with the strict injunction
+      That whate'er be false or true
+   Every teacher's simple function
+      Is to teach what pleases you:--
+
+   Not to gain by learned labour
+      Any sordid _quid pro quo_:
+   Not to rise above your neighbour
+      (Comrades ne'er are treated so):
+   Not to change your lowly station,
+      Not for rank and not for pelf,
+   Academic education
+      Only, only for itself,--
+
+   Yet in whose commercial dealings
+      Vainly we attempt to find
+   Those disinterested feelings
+      Which adorn the Student's mind,--
+   Seeing that, O my high-souled brothers!
+      There your dream of happiness
+   Is (like mine, and several others')
+      Earning more for working less!
+
+   'Tis not that I blame your getting
+      Anything you think you can:
+   'Tisn't that which I'm regretting,
+      Noble British Working Man!
+   No--although the facts I mention
+      Sometimes wake a mild surprise--
+   Still--the truth's beyond contention--
+      You are good, and great, and wise:
+
+   Swell my taxes: stint my fuel:
+      Last, to close the painful scene,
+   Send me, rather just than cruel,
+      Send me to the guillotine:
+   Ere the knife bisects my spinal
+      Cord, and ends my vital span,
+   This shall be my utterance final,
+      _Bless_ the British Working Man!
+
+
+
+
+CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM
+
+
+   They tell me the Millennium's come
+      (And I should be extremely glad
+   Could I but feel assured, like some,
+      It had):
+   They tell me of a bright To Be
+      When, freed from chains that tyrants forge
+   By the Right Honourable D.
+      Lloyd George,
+   We shall by penalties persuade
+      The idle unrepentant Great
+   To serve (inadequately paid)
+      The State,--
+   All working for the general good,
+      While painful guillotines confront
+   The individual who could
+      And won't:
+   But horny-handed sons of toil,
+      Who now purvey our meats and drinks,
+   Our gardens devastate, and spoil
+      Our sinks,
+   Shall seldom condescend to take
+      That inconsiderable sum
+   For which they daily butch, and bake,
+      And plumb;
+   Such humble votaries of trade
+      No more shall follow arts like these;
+   Since most of them will then be made
+      M.P.s!
+
+                                  * * * * *
+
+   And can I then (with some surprise
+      You ask) possess my tranquil soul,
+   And view with calm indifferent eyes
+      The Poll,
+   While partisans, in raucous tones,
+      With doleful wail or joyful shout
+   Proclaim that Brown is in, or Jones
+      Is out?
+   I can: I do: the reason's plain:
+      That blissful day which prophets paint
+   Perhaps may come: perhaps again
+      It mayn't:
+   And ere these ages blest begin
+      (For Rome, I've heard historians say,
+   Was only partly finished in
+      A day)
+   In men of sentiments sublime
+      'Tis possible we yet may trace
+   The influence of mellowing Time
+      And PLACE:--
+   O who can tell?  Ere Labour rouse
+      Its ever-multiplying hordes
+   To mend or end th' obstructive House
+      Of Lords,
+   And bid aristocrats begone,
+      And their hereditary pelf
+   Bestow with generous hand upon
+      Itself--
+   Why, Mr. George,--his threats forgot
+      Which Earls and Viscounts cowering hear,--
+   Himself may be, as like as not,
+      A Peer!
+
+
+
+
+FORECAST
+
+
+   Tomkins! when revolving lustres
+      Thin those shining locks that now
+   Wreathe their hyacinthine clusters
+      Round your intellectual brow,--
+   You who in your nobler station
+      Still are kind enough to seek
+   Our political salvation
+      Rather more than once a week,--
+
+   Think you, will your rightful value
+      Still be duly understood?
+   Will the British Public hail you
+      Always great and always good?
+   When the Peoples fight for Freedom
+      And the tyrant's rage confront,
+   Will they call for you to lead 'em?
+      --No, my friend: I fear they won't.
+
+   Soon or late are Truth's apostles
+      Laid upon their destined shelf;
+   You, who talk of Ancient Fossils,
+      Tomkins! will be one yourself:
+   Dons and Men with gibe and sneer your
+      Ancient crusted ways will view,
+   Wondering oft with smile superior
+      What's the use of Things like you!
+
+   All the schemes that win you glory,
+      Meant to mend our mortal mess--
+   These will simply brand you Tory,
+      Nothing more and nothing less:
+   You who waked the world from slumber,
+      You, who shone in Progress' van,
+   You'll be then a mere Back Number,
+      Obsolete as good Queen Anne!
+
+   You I see with zeal excessive
+      Dying then for causes, which
+   Now (forsooth) you call Progressive,
+      In reaction's Final Ditch:
+   By Conservatives in caucus
+      (Ardent youth, reflect on that!)
+   Sent to stem the horrid raucous
+      Clamours of the Democrat . . .
+
+   No: I do not wish to quarrel
+      With your high exalted sense;
+   No: there isn't any moral--
+      Not of any consequence:
+   Only, 'neath your exhortations
+      Passive while we're doomed to sit,
+   Themes like these conduce to patience,--
+      And I thought I'd mention it.
+
+
+
+
+PAGEANTS
+
+
+   My Tityrus! and is't a fact
+      (As wondrous facts there are)
+   That History's scenes thou wouldst enact
+      Beside the banks of Cher?
+   Wilt thou for pomps like these desert
+      Thy calm and cloistered lair,
+   Not quite so young as once thou wert,
+      Nor (pardon me) so fair?
+
+   We saw thee stalk in youthful prime
+      With high Proctorial mien:
+   We saw the majesty sublime
+      Which marked the Junior Dean;
+   O pundit grave!  O sage M.A.!
+      Say in what happy part
+   Thou wilt before the crowd display
+      Thy histrionic art!
+
+   With cranium bald, which ne'er again
+      Will need the barber's shear,
+   Wilt thou present in Charles his train
+      Some long-locked Cavalier?
+   A sober Don for all to see
+      Who once didst walk abroad,
+   Wilt now an Ancient Briton be
+      And painted blue with woad?
+
+   Me from such scenes afar remove,
+      And hide my shuddering head
+   Where Nature doth in field and grove
+      Her fairer pageant spread:
+   There will I meditating lie
+      'Mid summer's calm delights,--
+   But thou wilt walk adown the High
+      My Tityrus,--in Tights. . . .
+
+
+
+
+RULES FOR FICTION
+
+
+   A Novelist, whose magic art,
+   Had plumbed ('twas said) the human heart,
+   Whom for the penetrative ken
+   Wherewith he probed the souls of men
+   The Public and the Public's wife
+   Declared synonymous with Life,--
+   Sat idle, being much perplexed
+   What Attitude to study next,
+   Because he would not wholly tell
+   Which Pose was likeliest to sell.
+   To him the Muse: "Why seek afar
+   For things that on the threshold are?
+   Why thus evolve with care and pain
+   From your imaginative brain?
+   Put Artifice upon the shelf,--
+   Take pen and ink, and draw--Yourself!"
+   The author heard: he took the hint:
+   He photographed himself in print.
+   His very inmost self he drew. . . .
+   The critics said, "_This_ Will Not Do.
+   No more we recognize the art
+   Which used to plumb the human heart,--
+   This suffers from the patent vice
+   Of being not Art but Artifice.
+   'Tis deeply with the fault imbued
+   Of Inverisimilitude:
+   He's written out; his skill's forgot:
+   He only writes to Boil the Pot!
+   It is not true; it will not wash;
+   'Tis mere imaginative Bosh;
+   And if he can't" (they told him flat)
+   "Get nearer to the Life than that,
+   He will not earn the Public's pelf!"
+
+   This happens when you draw Yourself.
+   Or--I should say--it happens when
+   Such portraits are essayed by Men:
+   For presently a Lady came
+   And did substantially the same.
+   (Let everyone peruse this sequel
+   Who dreams that Man is Woman's equal),--
+   She with a hand divinely free
+   Drew what she thought herself to be:
+   It did not much resemble Her
+   In moral strength or mental stature--
+   Yet did the critics all aver
+   It simply teemed with Human Nature!
+
+
+
+
+ART AND LETTERS
+
+
+   In that dim and distant aeon
+   Known as Ante-Mycenaean,
+   When the proud Pelasgian still
+   Bounded on his native hill,
+   And the shy Iberian dwelt
+   Undisturbed by conquering Celt,
+   Ere from out their Aryan home
+   Came the Lords of Greece and Rome,
+   Somewhere in those ancient spots
+   Lived a man who painted Pots--
+   Painted with an art defective,
+   Quite devoid of all perspective,
+   Very crude, and causing doubt
+   When you tried to make them out,
+   Men (at least they looked like that),
+   Beasts that might be dog or cat,
+   Pictures blue and pictures red,
+   All that came into his head:
+   Not that any tale he meant
+   On the Pots to represent:
+   Simply 'twas to make them smart,
+   Simply Decorative Art.
+   So the seasons onward hied,
+   And the Painter-person died--
+   But the Pot whereon he drew
+   Still survived as good as new:
+   Painters come and painters go,
+   Art remains _in statu quo_.
+
+   When a thousand years (perhaps)
+   Had proceeded to elapse,
+   Out of Time's primeval mist
+   Came an AEtiologist;
+   He by shrewd and subtle guess
+   Wrote Descriptive Letterpress,
+   Setting forth the various causes
+   For the drawings on the vases,
+   All the motives, all the plots
+   Of the painter of the pots,
+   Entertained the nations with
+   Fable, Saga, Solar Myth,
+   Based upon ingenious shots
+   At the Purpose of the Pots,
+   Showing ages subsequent
+   What the painter really meant
+   (Which, of course, the painter hadn't;
+   He'd have been extremely saddened
+   Had he seen his meanings missed
+   By the AEtiologist).
+
+   Next arrives the Prone to Err
+   Very ancient Chronicler,
+   All that mythologic lore
+   Swallowing whole and wanting more,
+   Crediting what wholly lacked
+   All similitude of Fact,
+   Building on this wondrous basis
+   All we know of early races;
+   So the Past as seen by him
+   Furnished from its chambers dim
+   Hypothetical foundations
+   Whence succeeding generations
+   Built, as on a basis sure,
+   Branches three of Literature,
+   Social Systems four (or five),
+   Two Religions Primitive;
+   So that one may truly say
+   (Speaking in a general way)
+   All the facts and all the knowledge
+   Taught in School and taught in College,
+   All the books the printer prints--
+   Everything that's happened since--
+   Feels the influence of what
+   Once was drawn upon that Pot,
+   Plus the curious mental twist
+   Of that AEtiologist!
+
+   But the Pot that caused the trouble
+   Lay entombed in earth and rubble,
+   Left about in various places,
+   In the way that early races--
+   Hittites, Greeks, or Hottentots--
+   Used to leave important Pots;
+   Till at length, to close the list,
+   Came an Archaeologist,
+   Came and dug with care and pain,
+   Came and found the Pot again:
+   Dug and delved with spade and shovel,
+   Made a version wholly novel
+   Of the Potman's old design
+   (Others none were genuine).
+   Pots were in a special sense
+   _Echt-Historisch_ Documents:
+   All who Error hope to stem
+   Must begin by studying them;
+   So the Public (which, he said,
+   Had been grievously misled)
+   Must in all things freshly start
+   From his views of Ancient Art.
+   All (the learned man proceeded)
+   Otherwise who thought than he did,
+   Showed a stupid, base, untrue,
+   Obscurantist point of view;
+   Men like these (the sage would say)
+   Should be wholly swept away;
+   They, and eke the faults prodigious
+   Which beset their creeds religious,
+   Render totally impure
+   All their so-called Literature,
+   Lastly, sap to its foundation
+   All their boasted education,--
+   Just because they've quite forgot
+   What was meant, and what was not,
+   By the Painter of the Pot!
+
+                                  * * * * *
+
+   Pots are long and life is fleeting;
+   Artists, when their subjects treating,
+   Should be very, very far
+   Carefuller than now they are.
+
+
+
+
+THE NOVEL
+
+
+   When by efforts literary you might scale the summits airy
+      Which the eminent in fiction are ascending every day,
+   Why obscurely crawl and grovel?--I will write (I said) a Novel!
+      So I started and I planned it in the ordinary way.
+
+   I'd a Heroine--a creature of resplendent form and feature,
+      With a spell in every motion and a charm in every look:
+   I'd a Villain--worse than Nero,--I'd a most superior Hero:
+      And the host of minor persons which is needed in a book:
+
+   Each was drawn from observation: yet was each a pure creation
+      Which revealed at once the genius of originating mind:
+   Not a man and not a woman but combined the Broadly Human
+      With a something quite peculiar of an interesting kind:
+
+   What a wealth of meaning inner in the things they said at dinner!
+      How their conversation sparkled (like the ripples on the deep),
+   Half disclosing, half concealing a Profundity of Feeling
+      Which would move the gay to laughter and incite the grave to weep!
+
+   There they stood in grace and vigour, each imaginary figure,
+      Each a masterpiece of drawing for the world to wonder at:
+   There was really nothing more I had to find but just the story,
+      Nothing more, but just the story--but I couldn't think of that.
+
+   Yet (I cried), in other writers, how the lovers and the fighters
+      Are conducted through the mazes of a complicated plan,--
+   How the incidents are planted just precisely where they're wanted--
+      How the man invites the moment, and the moment finds the man!
+
+   How a Barrie or a Kipling guides the maiden and the stripling
+      Till they're ultimately landed in the matrimonial state,--
+   And they die, or else they marry (in a Kipling or a Barrie)
+      Just as if the thing was ordered by unalterable Fate,--
+
+   While with me, alas! to balance my innumerable talents,
+      There's a fatal imperfection and a melancholy blot:
+   All the forms of my creating stand continually waiting
+      For a charitable person to provide them with a Plot!
+
+   Still I put the endless query why I wander lone and dreary
+      (Barred from Eden like the Peri) minus fame and minus fee,
+   Why the idols of the masses have an entree to Parnassus,
+      While a want of mere invention is an obstacle to me!
+
+
+
+
+FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD
+
+
+   Arise, my _Muse_, and ply th' extended Wing!
+   It is of Language that I mean to sing.
+   Thou mighty Medium, potent to convey
+   The clearest Notions in the darkest Way,
+   Diffus'd by thee, what Depth of verbal Mist
+   Veils now the Realist, now th' Idealist!
+   Our mental Processes more complex grow
+   Than those our Sires were privileged to know.
+   In Ages old, ere Time Instruction brought,
+   A Thought or Thing was but a Thing or Thought:
+   Such simple Names are now forever gone--
+   A Concept this, that a Noumenon:
+   As _Cambria's_ Sons their Pride of Race increase
+   By joining _Ap_ to _Evan_, _Jones_, or _Rees_,
+   A prouder Halo decks the Sage's Brow,
+   Perceptive once, he's Apperceptive now!
+   Here sits Mentality (that erst was Mind),
+   By correlated Entities defin'd:
+   Here Monads lone Duality express
+   In bright Immediacy of Consciousness:
+   O who shall say what Obstacles deter
+   The Youth who'd fain commence Philosopher!
+   The painful Public with bewilder'd Brain
+   For Metaphysic pants, but pants in vain:
+   Too hard the Names, too weighty far the Load:
+   Language forbids, and _Br-dl-y_ blocks the Road.
+   From Themes like these I willingly depart,
+   And pass (discursive) to the Realms of Art.
+   Ye _Muses_ nine! what Phrases ye employ,
+   What wondrous Terms t' express aesthetic Joy!
+   As once in Years ere _Babel's_ Turrets rose
+   Contented Nations talk'd the self-same Prose:
+   As early _Christians_ in the Days of Yore
+   Took what they wanted from a common Store:
+   So different Arts th' astonished Reader sees
+   Pool all their Terms, then choose whate'er they please.
+   'Mid critick Crews (where Intellect abounds)
+   Sound sings in Colours, Colours shine in Sounds:
+   When mimick Groves _Apelles_ decks with green,
+   Or _Zeuxis_ limns the vespertinal Scene,
+   _Staccato Tints_ delight th' auscultant Eye
+   And soft _Andantes_ paint the conscious Sky:
+   Nor less, when Musick holds the list'ning Throng,
+   How crisply lucent glows th' entrancing Song!
+   Each loud _Sonata_ boasts its lively Hue,
+   And _Fugues_ are red, and _Symphonies_ are blue.
+   Not mine to deem your Epithets misplac'd,
+   Ye learned Arbiters of publick Taste!
+   Yet such th' Effect on merely human Wit,
+   That _Esperanto_ is a Joke to it.
+
+   Hail, Terminology! celestial Maid!
+   Portress of Science, Guide to Art and Trade!
+   I see Democracy--an ardent Band
+   Who fain would read yet wish to understand--
+   Compell'd that Goal in alien Tongues to seek,
+   Fly for Relief to _Necessary Greek_,
+   Claim as their Right (advised by _Mr. Snow_)
+   The sweet Simplicity of [Greek text],--
+   While Dons con English till they're pale and lean,
+   And Candidates in _Mods_ do English for Unseen!
+
+
+
+
+THE PUPILS' POINT OF VIEW
+
+
+   Relate, my Muse, the fame of him
+      Whose calling and peculiar mission
+   It was to wage with courage grim
+      A battle 'gainst effete Tradition!
+   When Movements moved, with holy zest
+      He scaled the breach and led the stormers,--
+   And was among the first and best
+      Of Educational Reformers.
+
+   He saw the Boy at Public Schools
+      Regard his books with fear and loathing,
+   From Latin's arbitrary rules
+      Deriving practically nothing:--
+   He said,--"O bounding human Boys,
+      Of all the fare whereon you batten,
+   What chiefly mars your simple joys?"
+      With one accord they answered "Latin!"
+
+   "Exactly so," th' Inquirer cried,
+      "This is the lore which cramps and stunts us;
+   O how can pedagogues abide
+      A course that makes their pupils dunces?
+   Since with the rules of Latin Prose
+      They can't be brought to yield compliance,
+   This Fact conclusively it shows--
+      They've all a natural bent for Science!"
+
+   They sought for Scientific Truth,
+      And pedagogues with books and birches
+   Guided the faltering steps of Youth
+      In biological researches:
+   The infant in his nurse's care
+      In Science' terms was taught to stammer:
+   They practised vivisection where
+      They used to cut their Latin grammar;
+
+   'Twas all in vain--the Human Boy
+      Remained unalterably chilly:
+   Still less than Virgil's tale of Troy
+      He liked compulsory bacilli!
+   Much grieved the Zealot was thereat:--
+      "We'll try," he said, "a course of Spelling" . . .
+   But O, the way they hated that
+      Quite overcomes my power of telling!
+
+   "There must be ways," the good man said,
+      "(Though hitherto perhaps we've missed 'em)
+   Of putting things within the head:
+      We've something wrong about the System:"
+   And musing on the sacred flame
+      Of Genius, and the cause that hid it,
+   He unto this conclusion came--
+      COMPULSION was the thing that did it.
+
+   "Within the Boy's aspiring brain
+      For Study still there lies a craving,
+   And what is won against the grain
+      Is never really worth the having;
+   This boasted Categorical
+      Imperative is clearly vicious,--
+   Pastors and masters, one and all,
+      Must ascertain their pupils' wishes!"
+
+   And now those simple human Boys,--
+      All, to a boy, for Culture yearning,--
+   No pedagogues with idle noise
+      Impede upon the path of Learning:--
+   Released from books and teachers both,
+      No intellectual pastures feed 'em;
+   And, if they lose in mental growth,
+      Think how they gain in moral freedom!
+
+
+
+
+HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS
+
+
+                          _Of a Cheerful Hope_.
+
+   Whene'er you do to Meetings go, as many such there be
+   (And few and far those persons are who home return to tea),
+   Then take with you this principle, to cheer you on your way--
+   The less there is to talk about, the more there is to say.
+
+                            _Of an Exordium_.
+
+   Consult your hearers' happiness, and state for their relief
+   That you'll avoid prolixity and study to be brief:
+   For if you can't be brief at once, 'twill comfort them to know
+   That you'll arrive at brevity in half an hour or so.
+
+                         _Of Obedience to Rule_.
+
+   Should e'er the Chairman censure you, as Chairmen oft will do,
+   And tell you that you miss the point, and bid you keep thereto,
+   (Though points are things, by Euclid's law, that always must be
+   missed--
+   They have no parts or magnitude, and therefore don't exist)--
+   Obey at once the Chairman's hest (because, as you're aware,
+   It is a most improper thing to argue with the Chair),
+   Accept his ruling patiently, without superfluous fuss,
+   And state the things you _might_ have said--unless he'd ruled it thus.
+
+                            _Of a Peroration_.
+
+   And when you've spent your arguments yet somehow still go on
+   (It shows a want of enterprise to stop because you've done),
+   Don't search about for topics new or vex your weary brain,
+   But take what someone else has said and say it all again.
+
+                            _Of Impartiality_.
+
+   And when at last your speech is o'er, be careful if you can
+   That none may hint--a horrid charge--that you're a Party Man:
+   So speak for this and speak for that as blithely as you may,
+   But keep your mental balance true, and
+               Vote the other Way.
+
+
+
+
+EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY
+
+
+   Two youths there were in days of yore
+      Called Jones and Robinson.
+   Jones had abilities galore,
+      While Robinson had none.
+
+   They met with corresponding fates:
+      And Jones, that genius proud,
+   Obtained in time a First in Greats:
+      While Robinson was ploughed.
+
+   Jones hoped that mental gifts like his
+      Might gain a Fellowship:
+   But ah! full many a slip there is
+      Between the cup and lip:
+
+   "You have a brain," the College said,
+      "Which unassisted soars:
+   'Tis not for Colleges to aid
+      Abilities like yours!
+
+   Go--wealth awaits your gathering hand,
+      And empires crave your rule!
+   But Fellowships like ours are planned
+      To help the helpless fool."
+
+   He tried the Press: he tried the Bar:
+      But still the Bar and Press
+   Said, "Not for him our openings are
+      Whose gifts ensure success:
+
+   Such posts are meant ('tis justice plain)
+      For those unhappy chaps
+   (Like Robinson) whom lack of brain
+      Unfairly handicaps!"
+
+   And now--yet check the rising tear:
+      It seems that long ago
+   Those Founders whom we all revere
+      Meant it to happen so--
+
+   Some lack of necessary food,
+      All in a garret lone,
+   Has ended Jones.  I thought it would.
+      But Robinson's a DON.
+
+
+
+
+UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS
+
+
+                             BY LAMBDA MINUS
+
+   A rumour and rumbling volcanic
+      Is heard in the Radical Press,
+   And Presidents tremble in panic
+      And Wardens their terrors confess:
+   How each with anxiety shivers,
+      The Dean with his fines and his gates,
+   The ruffian who ragged me in Divvers,
+      The pedant who ploughed me in Greats!
+
+   The doctrines degrading they taught, and
+      The Progress they nipped in the bud:
+   The things that they did when they oughtn't
+      And failed to perform when they should:
+   The Questions prevented from burning,
+      The Movements forbidden to move,
+   Recoil on their centres of learning,
+      Their Parks and the System thereof!
+
+   Afar will Democracy chase it,
+      That gang of impenitent Dons
+   Who drowned the occasional Placet
+      By bawling their truculent Nons:
+   No idle and opulent College
+      Will feed that obstructionist clique,
+   Those scoffers at Practical Knowledge
+      Who vote for compulsory Greek.
+
+   And now when the Party of Labour,
+      Asserting its virtuous sway,
+   Annexes the wealth of its neighbour
+      In Labour's traditional way,--
+   When purged of its various abuses
+      By Birrell's beneficent rule,
+   This haunt of the obsolete Muses
+      Is changed to a charity school,--
+
+   When Fellows and bloated Professors
+      Their stipends are forced to disgorge,
+   (Obeying the fiat of Messrs.
+      Keir Hardie and Burns and Lloyd George)
+   Deprived by the wrath of the Nation
+      Of all their unmerited aids,
+   Perhaps to escape from starvation
+      They'll take to respectable trades!
+
+   O wholly delectable vision!
+      I view with excusable glee
+   The fate of the shallow precisian
+      Who failed to appreciate Me;--
+   I fancy I see myself tossing
+      With blandly contemptuous mien
+   A penny for sweeping a crossing
+      To him who was formerly Dean!
+
+
+
+
+DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE
+
+
+("Education differs from technical training."--Expert opinion in a letter
+to the _Times_.)
+
+   Not in vain with quaint devices
+      Infants of the age of four
+   Build their mimic edifices
+      All upon the nursery floor;
+   Neither is the presage missed
+   By the Educationist,
+   When he doth the fact recall
+   How that Balbus built a wall!
+
+   Thus I mused on such-like theses,
+      While my errant fancy swam
+   Through the circumambient breezes
+      To the silver streams of Cam,--
+   There observed with pleased surprise
+   Ancient Universities
+   Still in touch at every stage
+   With the Progress of the Age;
+
+   There, released from sloth and coma
+      (Alma Mater's chief defect),
+   There they grant a new Diploma
+      To the budding Architect,
+   Take the blighted Builder's art
+   To their academic heart,
+   Hope it may in time become
+   Part of their curriculum:
+
+   There they tell their College Porters
+      Not to think it strange or odd
+   When a load of bricks and mortar's
+      Dumped within the College quad;
+   No indignant Tutor hauls
+   Him who scales the College walls,--
+   Plying on that airy perch
+   Architectural Research!
+
+   Thus I sang: I seemed to see an
+      Epoch made, the Future's guide;
+   But my glad exultant paean
+      Was not wholly justified:
+   Men whose names we all revere,
+   Stars in Architecture's sphere,
+   Phrases used which don't imply
+   Any genuine sympathy:
+
+   Ch---mpn---ys, Bl---mfield, T. G. J---cks---n,
+      Hushed my lyre's triumphant string--
+   Said in limpid Anglo-Saxon
+      What they thought about the thing:
+   "Seats of learning are designed
+   For to Educate the Mind,
+   Not to teach a craft or trade,"
+   _That_ was what these persons said!
+
+   What! and must a thwarted Nation
+      Draw the obvious inference?
+   What! a Liberal Education
+      Doesn't mean the quest of pence?
+   (Really, this extremely crude
+   Obscurantist attitude
+   Isn't quite what one expects
+   From distinguished Architects!)
+
+   Here's another dear illusion
+      Reft away and wholly gone:
+   O the spiritual confusion
+      Of the pained progressive Don!
+   If the facts are quite correct
+   As regards the Architect,
+   Comes the question, plain and clear,
+   _How about the Engineer_?
+
+
+
+
+ICHABOD: A MONODY
+
+
+   Now is the time when everything is glad,
+   Their vernal greenery the fields renew,
+      Each feathered songster chants with livelier tone,
+   And lambkins leap and cloudless skies are blue,
+      And all is gay and cheerful:--I alone
+            Am singularly sad;
+   Mine erstwhile happiness and calm content
+      Yields to a sense of sorrowful surprise:
+      Things that I thought were thus, are otherwise:
+   And all is grief, and disillusionment.
+
+   For He, who did in everything surpass
+   Our common world,--the Good, the Truly Great,
+      The Working Man, who shamed with standards high
+   Our obscurantists unregenerate,--
+      Is not, 'twould seem, better than you, or I,
+         Or any other ass:
+   The vision's faded, as a snowflake melts;
+      Fallen is that idol from his high renown:
+      He hath waxed fat, and kicked, and tumbled down,
+   And we must seek ensamples somewhere else!
+
+   Where is it, Comrades! in this direful day--
+   That noble zeal for academic lore,
+      That reverence due for discipline, in which
+   He used to shine conspicuously o'er
+      The Brainless Athlete and the Idle Rich?
+         O, does he now display
+   That ample breadth of calm impartial view,
+      That sober judgment and that balanced mind,
+      Which we were taught that we should always find,
+   O R---skin College, domiciled in you?
+
+   I have a Pupil: when his mental food
+   Fails (as it will) his appetite to sate,
+      What! does that patient much-enduring elf
+   Proclaim a strike? set pickets at my gate?
+      Boycott my lectures? give them for himself?
+         (Full oft I wish he would:)
+   Nay--when he finds those lectures dull and flat,
+      He asks no other: new ones might be worse:
+      Too well he knows that Cosmos' ordered course
+   Meant him to hear, and me to talk like that.
+
+   Also I own I'm disappointed by
+   Your friends and patrons, British Working Man!
+      For they, methought, were champions of the Cause,
+   Fighters for Freedom, foremost in the van,
+      Not servile scruplers, bound by rules and laws,
+         Not men who dealt in dry
+   Respectable traditions: leaders true,
+      No timid Moderates, who would define
+      Too strict a boundary 'twixt Mine and Thine,
+   Potential martyrs, heart and soul with you:--
+
+   'Twas all illusion: they would feed you with
+   Mere talks on Temperance: when your spirit's wings
+      Would soar to Sociology alone,
+   Whereby will come that blessed state of things
+      When none has property to call his own,
+         They give you--Adam Smith . . .
+   These too are fall'n: ah me, that I should live
+      To hear our brightest Radicals and best
+      By angry Labour in such terms addressed
+   As might apply to a Conservative!
+
+   To this conclusion I perforce must come,
+   'Twere best we parted: seeing that we, 'twould seem,
+      Haply have no appreciation of
+   Your high ambitions and your aims supreme,
+      Nor can we hope that you should greatly love
+         Our mental pabulum:
+   Depart, O Comrades! to some happier sphere
+      Where you can still be nobly on the make,
+      And mine, or plumb, or brew, or butch, or bake,--
+   Best to depart, and leave us mouldering here!
+
+   Yea, if ye scorn our learning overmuch,
+   Misguided sons of horny-handed toil!
+      Yet discontented with your lowly lot
+   Still pine to burn the sad nocturnal oil
+      'Mid academic culture, or 'mid what
+         Describes itself as such--
+   Go elsewhere, O my brothers! only go
+      To Bath, to Birmingham--where'er the Don
+      Teaches the sacred art of Getting On,----
+   --It is not far from here to Jericho.
+
+
+
+
+THE PANACEA
+
+
+   It is Research of which I sing,
+   Research, that salutary thing!
+   None can succeed, in World or Church,
+   Who does not prosecute Research:
+      For some read books, and toil thereat
+         Their intellect to waken:
+      But if you think Research is _that_
+         You're very much mistaken.
+
+   All in Columbia's blessed States
+   They have no Smalls, or Mods, or Greats,
+   Nor do their faculties benumb
+   With any cold curriculum:
+      O no! for there the ambitious Boy,
+         Released from schools and birches,
+      At once pursues with studious joy
+         Original Researches:
+
+   A happy lot that Student's is,
+   --I wish that mine were like to his,--
+   Where in the bud no pedants nip
+   His Services to Scholarship:
+      And none need read with care and pain
+         Rome's History, or Greece's,
+      But each from his creative brain
+         Evolves semestrial Theses!
+
+   On books to pore is not the kind
+   Of thing to please the serious mind,--
+   I do not very greatly care
+   For such unsatisfying fare:
+      To seek the lore that in them lurks
+         Would last _ad infinitum_:
+      Let others read immortal works,--
+         I much prefer to write 'em!
+
+
+
+
+THE HEROIC AGE
+
+
+   When I ponder o'er the pages of the old romantic ages, ere the world
+   grew cold and gray,
+   When there wasn't a relation between Oxford and the Nation, or a
+   Movement every day,
+   How I marvel at the glamour (in these duller days and tamer) which
+   informed those scenes of glee,
+   At the glamour and the glory of contemporary story, and the Eights as
+   they used to be!
+
+   It is obvious that the weather must have differed altogether from the
+   kind that now we know:
+   I arise from reading Fiction with the permanent conviction that it did
+   not hail, nor snow:
+   For each fair and youthful charmer had a summer sun to warm her and a
+   bran new frock and hat,--
+   In the progress of the lustres, when the crowd of Fashion musters it
+   has grown too wise for that.
+
+   Every boat from keel to rigger was a grand ideal figure as it skimmed
+   those Wavelets Blue,
+   While the Heroes who propelled 'em were comparatively seldom of a
+   commonplace type, like you--
+   In their strength and in their science they were positively giants,
+   through the gorgeous days of old,
+   Still an Admirable Crichton in those _lieben alten Zeiten_ was the
+   oarsman brave and bold:
+
+   He could row devoid of training, and (it hardly needs explaining) got
+   a quite unique degree:
+   With his blushing honours laden, he espoused a lovely maiden at the
+   end of Volume Three:
+   This alone he had to grieve for--that he'd nothing more to live for,
+   or expect from Fortune's whim:
+   For I never could discover, when his Oxford days were over, what the
+   world could hold for him!
+
+   O the rapture singlehearted of that Period has departed, with its
+   views ornate of Man,
+   And I think it won't come back till we restore the Pterodactyl, or
+   revive the late Queen Anne:
+   We have grown in mental stature, and we Go Direct to Nature, in these
+   days of stress and strife,
+   And the hero of a novel in a palace or a hovel is intolerably True to
+   Life:--
+
+   Not an infant learns to toddle but EFFICIENCY'S his model, which he
+   still pursues with rage,
+   In a manner inconsistent with the methods dim and distant of that
+   mid-Victorian age:
+   For that atmosphere Elysian it has faded from our vision and has gone
+   where the old tales go,
+   And I really don't know whether I regret altogether--but the simple
+   fact is so.
+
+
+
+
+MAKERS OF HISTORY
+
+
+   Minstrels! who your choicest notes
+   Keep for men who row in boats,
+   Mark with what exalted mien
+   Comes the Hero of the Scene!
+   He, amid the festal swarm,
+   Fashion's glass and mould of form,
+   How in shape and how in features
+   Far surpassing other creatures,
+   How incomparable to
+   Common things like me and you!
+   He in whose transcendent state
+   All the ages culminate--
+   Could we ever keep him thus,
+   How delightful 'twere for us!
+   Could he, 'mid the admiring throng,
+   Ever beauteous, ever young,
+   Still abide for ever pent
+   In his true environment,
+   Wear that aureole still which now
+   Decks his high victorious brow!
+      Out, alas! that Fortune can't
+   Ever give us what we want!
+   HE must quit this vernal stage:
+   HE must sink to middle age
+   (E'en the Poet's soaring wit
+   Scarcely can envisage it):
+   Go with men of common clay
+   In to business every day:
+   Be perhaps a Brewer, or
+   Haply a Solicitor,--
+   None the fact to notice that
+   Haloes once adorned his hat:
+   Ay! the ways of Fate are odd:
+   Men are mortal . . .  Ichabod . . .
+
+                                  * * * * *
+
+   Yet shall stay by stream and tree
+   Something still of what was He,--
+   Plainly put, his More or Less
+   Immaterial Consciousness,--
+   Very fine and very large,
+   Floating o'er his College barge:
+   Always while the world continues
+   Bards shall sing his thews and sinews,--
+   Here he rowed and here he ran,
+   Being rather more than man;--
+   Thus as ages onward go
+   Still he'll great and greater grow,
+   Larger still in prose or rhyme
+   Looming down the aisles of time,
+   Till he sit, sublime and vast,
+   'Mid the Giants of the Past,
+   Men who lived in days of old
+   (Ch-tty, W- -dg-te, N-ck-lls, G-ld),
+   Lived and rowed in ages dark
+   Long ere Noah built the Ark,
+   Very, very famous oars,
+   Mighty men in Eights and Fours,
+   Towering o'er our Browns and Smiths
+   Huge and grey, like Monoliths.
+
+      Thus the Hero's happy fate
+   Keeps in store a blissful state,
+   All adown the Future dim,
+   Nearly worthy e'en of Him!
+
+
+
+
+ALMA MATER FILIO
+
+
+   Dear Youth! whose wealth and lineage high
+      Each outward sign denotes,
+   The highly fashionable tie,
+      The latest thing in coats--
+   Imprinted on whose candid brow
+      No gazer could detect
+   (As e'en your enemies allow)
+      The Pride of Intellect--
+
+   Who, 'spite your want of mental scope
+      And lack of Serious Aim,
+   Still left us, as we dared to hope,
+      More pensive than you came,
+   And thus at least, while critics vied
+      In pointing out our flaws,
+   For our continuance supplied
+      A kind of Final Cause:--
+
+   Your part is played, your turn is o'er:
+      Prepare to quit the stage:
+   It seems you're not the person for
+      The Spirit of the Age:
+   Though high your birth, though large your means,
+      I see--'tis sad, but true--
+   Soon, 'mid these academic scenes,
+      No corner left for you!
+
+   Ah! what avail the things that went
+      To build your prosperous lot,
+   The ample cash, the long descent,
+      The athlete's frequent pot,
+   The waistcoat bright of ardent red
+      Or fascinating green,
+   The social charm that captive led
+      The Provost, and the Dean?
+
+   I see the Cherwell's peaceful flood,
+      I see the courts of King's
+   Invaded by a student brood
+      Which knows all kinds of things--
+   A crowd with high desires replete,
+      Whose recreations are
+   To sit at Professorial feet
+      And join a Seminar:
+
+   Bright Butterfly! your haunts of old
+      Are tenanted by men
+   Who realise what studies mould
+      Th' Efficient Citizen . . .
+   These shall alone the blessings know
+      Of Isis and of Cam,
+   And You (I'm sure 'tis better so)
+      Will go to--Birmingham!
+
+
+
+
+IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM
+
+
+   Lo, where yon undistinguished grave
+      Erects its grassy pile on
+   One who to all Experience gave
+      An Alpha or Epsilon!
+
+   The world and eke the world's content,
+      And all therein that passes,
+   With marks numerical (per cent.)
+      He did dispose in classes:
+
+   Not his to ape the critic crew
+      Which vulgarly appraises
+   The Good, the Beautiful, the True
+      In literary phrases:
+
+   He did his estimate express
+      In terms precise and weighty,--
+   And Vice got 25 (or less,)
+      While Virtue rose to 80.
+
+   Now hath he closed his earthly lot
+      All in his final haven,--
+   (And be the stone that marks the spot
+      _On one side only_ graven,)
+
+   Bring papers on his grave to strew
+      Amid the grass and clover,
+   And plant thereby that pencil blue
+      Wherewith he looked them over!
+
+   There, freed from every human ill
+      And fleshly trammels gross, he
+   Lies in his resting-place until
+      The final Viva Voce:
+
+   So let him rest till crack of doom
+      Of mortal tasks aweary,--
+   And nothing write upon his tomb
+      Save [Greek text: beta]--(?).
+
+                                 THE END
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+     PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES.
+
+
+
+
+Footnotes:
+
+
+{24}  1897
+
+{77}  1900.
+
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD***
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