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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, 1890.05.10, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, 1890.05.10
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: December 17, 2009 [EBook #30694]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MAY 10, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EIGHT HOURS ONLY.
+
+(_A Fancy Sketch of the Possible._)
+
+It was the first day under the operation of the new Act. Everyone was a
+little nervous about the outcome, and JOHN JONES, the Barrister, was no
+exception to the general rule. At three o'clock he was in the full swing
+of an impassioned appeal to the Jury.
+
+"I beg your pardon, Mr. JONES," said the Judge, glancing at the clock,
+"but I am afraid I must interrupt you. I cannot hear you any longer."
+
+"But, my Lord, I have not touched upon a third of the case. I can assure
+you my remarks shall be as brief as possible."
+
+"That is not the point, Mr. JONES," replied his Lordship. "I am
+following your argument with the liveliest interest, and I am sure that
+all you would wish to say would be of the greatest possible service to
+your client; but unfortunately I happen to know that you prepare your
+cases in the early hours of the morning. Now, you know the law as well I
+do. If you have not been at work to-day for eight hours, of course I
+shall be happy to hear; but if you have----"
+
+"As your Lordship pleases," said poor JONES, and he gathered up his
+papers, and left the Court.
+
+"Just in time, Sir," observed the attendant in the robing-room, as he
+put the Barrister's wig in its box, and assisted him to divest himself
+of his gown. "Had you come five minutes later, we should have gone."
+
+"Really! How would that have suited silk and stuff?"
+
+"Caused a fearful row, I am afraid, Sir. But we daren't exceed the eight
+hours' limit, and we must keep two or three of them for some work we
+have in the evening."
+
+When JONES found himself in the Strand he noticed that the traffic was
+considerably less than usual. The omnibuses were few and far between,
+and he did not see a cab in any direction.
+
+"Yes, Sir," replied a policeman, who was removing his band of office,
+preparatory to going home; "you won't find many. Eight hours' limit,
+Sir. Good-day, Sir. I am off myself."
+
+The boats had ceased running; there were no trams. To pass the time he
+thought he would call upon the Editor, whose rooms were in Fleet Street.
+
+"I hope I am not interrupting you," he said, as he entered the sanctum.
+
+"Interrupting me! Why, I am delighted to see you. We have nothing to do.
+Mustn't exceed the eight hours, and they were up at two o'clock. But how
+did you get in?"
+
+"Oh, the Publisher opened the door, and then returned to a rubber of
+whist he was playing with the Reader, the Manager, and the Head of the
+Advertisement Department. I was introduced to them all. Then I watched a
+tug of war going on in the composing-room between the Compositors on the
+one side, and the Machinists and Foundry-men on the other, and came up
+here."
+
+"Very glad to see you, my dear fellow!" and the Editor once again shook
+hands.
+
+A little later JONES entered a restaurant, but he was refused dinner.
+The eight hours' limit had cleared off the cooks and the waiters.
+Half-starving, he purchased a stall for the theatre. For a while his
+thoughts were distracted by the excellence of the performance. Suddenly,
+in the most interesting part of the play, the curtain was prematurely
+dropped.
+
+"Very sorry," said the Stage Manager, addressing the audience from
+behind the footlights, "but, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have no option. We
+had a rehearsal this morning of the new piece, and, taking this into
+consideration, our limit is reached. I may seize this opportunity for
+regretfully announcing that as two performances take more than eight
+hours, the customary Saturday _Matinée_ will for the future be
+discontinued."
+
+The orchestra played a few bars of the National Anthem, and the theatre
+cleared. JONES strolled on to the Embankment, and, the evening being
+pleasant, took a seat. Beside him was a student reading for examination,
+a clergyman thinking out a sermon, and an artist taking a rough sketch.
+JONES took out a brief himself and opened it.
+
+"It's no business of mine," said a policeman off duty, who happened to
+be passing, "but you gents will get yourselves into trouble if you
+exceed the limit."
+
+"I will go home," exclaimed JONES; and he walked to his suburban villa.
+But the place was locked up, and the servants did not dare to open the
+door to him, as they had finished their legal spell of labour hours
+before.
+
+"Don't feel well," he murmured. "Will call upon my Doctor."
+
+"Now, my dear Sir," said the medical man, as JONES appeared before him,
+"you know I must not prescribe for you. The eight hours' limit was
+reached at four."
+
+"Then, I suppose I must die. Will the Act allow me to do _that_?"
+
+"You, as a Barrister, ought to know best, my dear Sir. What is _your_
+idea?"
+
+"My idea?" echoed the considering JONES. "Well, I should say----But,
+stay; I am not entitled to give a professional opinion until to-morrow
+morning! Still, offhand I may observe, that such an illegal death would
+savour of positive suicide; but it would not matter very much, as under
+existing circumstances suicide in some form or other seems to me
+inevitable!" And JONES was right!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. NO. V.
+
+"A Curate may be cross-examined with comparative safety."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
+
+Those who have carefully read the remarks which I have thought it my
+duty to make in these columns from time to time, must have reaped a
+golden harvest at Newmarket last week. It is not easy, of course, in
+these milk-and-water days to say what one means in sufficiently plain
+words. Personally, I have always been mild in my language, and have
+often been reproached on this score. But I have always found it
+possible, without using vulgar and exaggerated abuse, to express the
+contempt which, in common with every right-minded man, I feel for the
+grovelling herd of incompetent boobies, whose minds are as muddy as the
+Rowley Mile after a thunderstorm. _Surefoot_ was always a favourite of
+mine. Two months ago I said, "if _Surefoot_ can only face the starter
+for the Two Thousand firmly, he will probably get off well, and ought
+not to be far behind the first six at the finish. As to _Le Nord_,
+though he is not my colour, he is not likely to be last." Only a
+mooncalf, with a porridge-bowl instead of a head, could have mistaken
+these remarks.
+
+So Sir THOMAS CHUCKS has joined the ranks of aristocratic owners. Here
+is a chance for the dilly-dallying professors of humbug to distinguish
+themselves. What can be expected from a stable which always runs its
+trials at one o'clock in the morning, with nobody but Mr. JEREMY to look
+on? No doubt we shall hear all about it in the columns which Mr. J.
+devotes to the edification of dough-faced, gruel-brained noodles who
+accept him as their prophet.
+
+_Catawampus_ ran well last week. With two stone less and a Calyx-eyed
+saddle-bar, he would have shown up even better. Whenever the barometer
+goes up two points _Catawampus_ must be remembered. He was foaled in a
+ditch on the old North Road, somewhere between London and York, and
+having remained there or thereabouts for a month, may be considered a
+good stayer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EMPIRE IN THE TIME OF SEVERUS.--Wonderful Juggler at the Empire,
+with a name that's not to be trifled with, SEVERUS. Some nights he may
+be better than on others, but you'll be delighted if you just catch him
+in the Juggler vein.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Over-rated Rate-payers who fear the rising of the Rates more than
+almost any other rising, express a hope that the L. C. C. will be
+economical, and that FARRER may be "Nearer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCERTAINTIES OF ARITHMETIC.
+
+_Schoolmaster._ "YES; BUT LOOK HERE, MY BOY. SUPPOSE I WERE TO LEND YOUR
+FATHER _FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS_, LET US SAY,--WITHOUT INTEREST,--BUT ON
+CONDITION THAT HE SHOULD PAY ME TEN POUNDS A WEEK. HOW MUCH WOULD HE
+STILL OWE ME IN TWO MONTHS?"
+
+_New Boy._ "FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR!"
+
+_Schoolmaster._ "TUT! TUT! MY BOY, YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST PRINCIPLES
+OF ARITHMETIC!"
+
+_New Boy._ "_YOU_ DON'T KNOW _MY FATHER_, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIMROSE'S PEEP-SHOW.
+
+(_Vide Lord Rosebery's resumé of the year's work of the London County
+Council._)
+
+MASTER BULL _loquitur_:--
+
+  Humph! Show is very passable, no doubt;
+    And as you pull the strings, my clever Showman,
+  'Tis clear that _you_ know what you are about,
+    Sense's sworn friend, and babbling folly's foeman.
+  The slides, as worked by you, seem mighty fine,
+    A trifle vague, perhaps, in composition,
+  Sloppy in colouring, and weak in line,
+    As is the civic peep-show's old tradition;
+  Still there is graphic vigour here and there,
+    Perspective, and a general sense of "movement."
+  On the old "Shirker" Show, 'tis only fair
+    To own, it evidences some improvement.
+  Plenty of slides! there is no doubt of _that_;
+    In fact one questions if there are too many.
+  Yes, I shall find when you pass round the hat,
+    The price is more than the old-fashioned Penny.
+  I pay my money and I take my--choice?
+    Well no, it won't quite fit, that fine old patter.
+  Still, if your Show proves good, I shall rejoice;
+    A trifling rise in fee won't greatly matter,
+  If 'tis not too "progressive" (as you say).
+    To stump up for sound work I'm always willing;
+  But though, of course, a Penny may not pay,
+    One wants a first-class Peep-Show for a Shilling!
+  Some of your novel slides are rather nice,
+    Some of them, on the other hand, look funny.
+  I felt grave doubts about 'em once or twice.
+    I don't want muddlers to absorb my money.
+  However, as I said, 'tis very clear
+    As puller of the strings you yield to no man.
+  The Show seems promising, if rather dear,
+    But anyhow it has a first-rate Showman!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"So Engelish you know!" exclaims the BARON DE B. W., on seeing the
+advertisement of Dr. LOUIS ENGEL's new book from _Handel to Hallé_. "It
+will be interesting," says the Baron, "to note how much of HANDEL's
+popularity was due to that particular inspiration of genius which caused
+him to use the name of the future composer and pianist in one of his
+greatest works, namely, the celebrated '_Hallelujah Chorus_.' For this
+magnificent effort would have been only half the chorus it is without
+'HALLÉ' to commence it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW;
+
+OR, PUCK AT THE SPIGOT.
+
+(_Shakspeare adapted to the situation_)
+
+  _Bung._ Either I mistake your shape and making quite,
+  Or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite
+  Called GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW. Are you not he
+  That did your best to spill Lord S-L-SB-RY?
+  Gave the Old Tory party quite a turn,
+  And office with snug perquisites did spurn?
+  And now you'd make Strong Drink to bear no barm
+  (Or proper profit.) You would do us harm.
+  Those that Hobgoblin call you, and sly PUCK,
+  Are right; you always bring your friends bad luck.
+  Are you not he?
+
+  _Puck._ By Jove, thou speak'st aright;
+  I am that merry wanderer full of spite.
+  I jest unto the Plebs and make it smile.
+  Old, fat, and bean-fed Tories I beguile,
+  And lead them to a Democratic goal.
+  Now I am "going for" the flowing bowl.
+  E'en W-LFR-D owns I am "upon the job".
+  I mean to save the workman many a "bob".
+  But, lessening his chance of toping ale,
+  The Witler tells his pals the saddest tale.
+  Bacchus for his true friend mistaketh me,
+  Then step I from his side, down topples he,
+  And "Traitor!" cries, and swears I did but chaff,
+  And the Teetotallers hold their sides and laugh,
+  And chortle in their joy, and shout, and swear
+  That GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW's a spirit rare.
+  But room, old boy, the Second Reading's on.
+
+  _Bung._ He is a trickster:--Would that he were gone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_Dear me, how surprisingly your voice has strengthened since I last
+heard you sing_;" _i.e._, "Roars like a town-bull, and fancies himself a
+LABLACHE!"
+
+"_I saw quite a ring round your picture at the Academy to-day_;" _i.e._,
+"If only he had heard them laugh!"
+
+"_Won't you stop and have some lunch?_" _i.e._, "Couldn't help asking
+him, as the confounded luncheon-bell rang a peal; but if he has any
+manners or consideration he'll say, 'No, thank you,' and go."
+
+"_I know your face so well--but I am such a bad hand at names_;" _i.e._,
+"Never saw him before in my life!"
+
+"_Pray allow me to get it_;" _i.e._, "Catch me moving!"
+
+"_You know you can trust me implicitly_;" _i.e.,_ "May be a good story
+to tell."
+
+"_He has such wonderful wit_;" _i.e._, "An unfailing flow of rudeness
+which he calls repartee."
+
+"_Rather satirical, yes: but she has marvellous insight into
+character_;" _i.e._, "She has been complimenting _me_."
+
+PLATFORMULARS.
+
+"_These, then, are the arguments_;" _i.e._, "They're all yawning--must
+end somehow."
+
+"_A crushing reply_;" _i.e._, a retort discourteous, in which all the
+points of the attack are adroitly evaded.
+
+"_After the magnificent oration to which we have just listened with so
+much delight, I feel that anything that I can say must be in the nature
+of an anti-climax_;" _i.e._, "Confound him! Why will he take all the
+'fat' to himself, and cut the ground from under a fellow's feet?"
+
+"_I have the greatest possible pleasure in presiding over this
+magnificent assembly on this memorable occasion_;" _i.e._, "Place is
+like a malodorous oven, and I wish to goodness it were all over."
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.
+
+"_I appeal to that consideration which the House always extends to a new
+Member, &c._;" _i.e._, "Mean to make them sit up a bit, but _must_ come
+the conventional modest."
+
+"_The Honourable and Gallant Gentleman has fulfilled his task with all
+the ability that might naturally be expected_;" _i.e._, "With none worth
+mentioning."
+
+"_I rise to order_;" _i.e._, "To raise _dis_order."
+
+EPISTOLATORY.
+
+"_Let me be the first, dear, to congratulate you on your well-merited
+good fortune_;" _i.e._, "She has the deuce's own luck, and doesn't
+deserve it."
+
+"_Thank you so much for your beautiful present, which I shall value for
+its own sake as well as for the giver's_;" _i.e._, "Wouldn't give
+twopence for the two of 'em."
+
+"_So good of you to send me your new book. I shall lose no time in
+reading it_;" _i.e._, "No; not a single second."
+
+AT A DANCE.
+
+"_So you prefer to stand out of this dance, dear?_" _i.e._, "Trust her
+for being a _willing_ 'Wallflower.'"
+
+"_Shall we sit this out on the stairs?_" _i.e._, "I don't want to dance,
+and I _do_ want to spoon."
+
+A LITTLE MUSIC.
+
+"_Well, dear, the only song I can remember, without music, is
+'Gasping'--but I'll try that, if you like_;" _i.e._, "_Her_ great song,
+which she has been grinding up to sing to--or rather _at_--young
+FITZ-FLOSS. _Won't_ she be wild?"
+
+"_Well, your Beethoven bits are lovely, dear, we know; but suppose you
+give us something lighter, for once_;" _i.e._, "BEETHOVEN, indeed!
+BESSIE BELLWOOD is more _her_ style."
+
+CHANNEL PASSAGE.
+
+"_Well, it may be a bit lively when we get out_;" _i.e._, "You won't
+know whether you are on your head or your heels in ten minutes."
+
+CURIOMANIA.
+
+"_I've never seen such a collection of curios in my life!_" _i.e._,
+"Hope I never may again!"
+
+"_I'm no great judge of such things, but I should say this specimen is
+unique_;" _i.e._, "It is to be _hoped_ so!"
+
+"Ex-_qui-site_!!!" _i.e._, "Rubbish!"
+
+RAILROAD AMENITIES.
+
+"_Awfully noisy carriages on this line_;" _i.e._, "Thank goodness! The
+clatter has tired even _his_ stentor throat."
+
+"_Good-bye! So sorry we don't travel farther together_;" _i.e._,
+"Hooray! Now for feet up and forty winks!"
+
+PREPARING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
+
+"_I'm sure you will be a great acquisition to my little company_;"
+_i.e._, "Awful stick, but a _pis aller_ I'm afraid."
+
+"_Now if there's_ anything _you notice not_ quite _the thing_, pray
+_mention it_. I'm _not above taking a hint_;" _i.e._, "Nor _you_ up to
+giving one--of any value."
+
+"_Oh, no doubt you're right, though it's not the way_ CHARLES MATHEWS
+_did it_;" _i.e._, "That's a nasty one for you, Mr. MEDDLER."
+
+"_Ah, yes, I was a little off colour, perhaps; but I shall be all right
+on the night, you bet!_" _i.e._, "Not going to be dictated to by _you_
+anyhow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STANDS SCOTLAND (YARD) WHERE IT DID?"--Yes; only more so. And how kind
+and thoughtful of the Government to order that the materials for
+building the new Police Offices should be found and fashioned by the
+Dartmore convicts. Quite a labour of love!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Correspondent, in _Times_ of Saturday, showed that, in Spite of increase
+of population, there has been a decrease of drunkenness. In 1884-85
+there were 183,221 drunken Police-court cases; but in 1887-88 only
+166,366. Anti-temperance persons will look upon this as "a Drop too
+much."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICTURES OF THE YEAR THAT NO PATRON OF ART CAN POSSIBLY OVERLOOK.--Those
+that are sky'd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SCOTS, WHA HAE."
+
+(_New Version. Sung at the Opening of the Edinburgh International
+Exhibition, May 1._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Scots, wha hae at Paris bled,
+  Scots, wham COOK hath aften led,
+  Welcome to the white, green, red,
+    Of your ain Great Exhibition.
+
+  Now's the day and now's the hour;
+  Though you have no Eiffel Tower!
+  See the bawbees pile and pour;
+    All the world shall crowd to see!
+
+  Wha will want to pinch and save?
+  Wha to see it will not crave?
+  Wha will not declare it brave?
+    Far from Edinbro' let him flee!
+
+  Wha will wish to see the sight
+  Of the graund electric light,
+  And the "Kiowatt" of might?
+    Caledonian! on wi' me!
+
+  Ninety acres on the plain!
+  Almost apes the Show by Seine.
+  Won't folk flock by tram and train
+    To our International Show.
+
+  Let the Incandescents glow,
+  Sixteen thousand, row on row!
+  SANDY all the world will show
+    He will beat the best--or die!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. XI.--THE YOUNG GUARDSMAN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Young Guardsman believes himself to be not only the backbone of the
+British Army, its vital centre and support, but also its decorative
+master-piece. Other officers, of whom the Guardsman is wont to speak
+with a vague pity as belonging to "some line regiment," are not apt to
+sympathise with him in this exalted estimate of his military position
+and functions. They are accustomed to urge, that he is to the general
+body of officers as gold lace is to the uniform he wears, a gaudy
+ornament fashioned for show and useless for the practical work of the
+military profession. Doubtless "these are the forgeries of jealousy,"
+or, if true at all, they are true only for that limited period of the
+Guardsman's existence, during which he pays more attention to his own
+dressing than to that of his men, and imagines that the serious objects
+of life are attained when he has raised the height of his collar by half
+an inch, or invented a new fashion of transfixing a silk scarf with a
+diamond pin. In fact it is during the first flush of his youth that he
+displays those characteristics which have specialised the Guardsman
+amongst the golden lads who afterwards come to the dust of middle-age
+and a colonelcy.
+
+It is by no means necessary that the Young Guardsman should enjoy an
+aristocratic parentage, provided it be a wealthy one; nor is it
+essential that he should have made his mark at school as a scholar, an
+athlete, or a social success. Indeed, nothing is more common than to
+hear a former school-fellow express himself in terms of derisive
+amazement when he is informed that So-and-So is now in the Guards.
+"What, _that_ scug?" he will observe with immeasurable contempt, and
+will proceed to express his surprise how one who neither played cricket,
+nor football, nor rowed to any purpose can possibly add distinction to
+Her Majesty's Brigade of Guards. These observations, it should be said,
+however disrespectful they may be towards a particular individual,
+undoubtedly show a strong feeling of veneration for the repute of the
+Guards in general. It must be added too that on his side the Young
+Guardsman is not slow to repay, and in doing so to aggravate, the
+contempt of the burly athlete who may have kicked him at school, and
+towards whom he now assumes a lordly air of irritating patronage hardly
+endurable, but not easily to be resented, by one who feels it to be
+totally unwarranted.
+
+The Guardsman, then, will have passed through school without emerging in
+any way from the common ruck of ordinary boys. He will have left at a
+comparatively early age in order that his education may no longer be
+neglected, and will have betaken himself to the fostering care of one of
+the numerous establishments which exist to prove that the private coach
+_Codlin_ is superior to the public school _Short_. Hence, if his
+abilities are exceptionally brilliant, he will have passed into
+Sandhurst. Failing this, however, the Militia is a refuge and a
+stepping-stone. In any case he will find himself in due time the owner
+of Her Majesty's Commission and the largest head-dress in the British
+Army. In short he will become a Guardsman in full bloom.
+
+And now he begins to reap a plentiful harvest of easy social
+distinctions, in the sowing of which he himself has borne no part. He
+may be, though to be sure he is not always, the feeblest and most vapid
+of created beings, but he will be none the less courted and flattered by
+the numerous band who fix their eyes and their hearts on social position
+without any regard to the particular atom of humanity by which it may
+chance to be filled. Hostesses shower invitations upon him, he slides
+easily into the membership of many Clubs both social and sporting,
+tradesmen and money-lenders solicit with humility the supreme honour of
+being his creditors, and all the world, as he counts it, smiles upon him
+and is ready to make much of him. A man would require to be made of
+exceptionally stern stuff not to yield to many of the temptations thus
+spread before him, and the Young Guardsman, although he is as martial as
+the occasional wearing of his uniform can make him, is by no means
+stern. He yields, however, with an admirable grace, and although his
+nationality and his profession both forbid him to display an excess of
+enthusiasm, it may be said of him that he tolerates his pleasures and
+does not despise the amusements for which a musketry course at Hythe or
+an occasional encampment at Pirbright seems to give him an additional
+zest.
+
+He is often to be seen at dances, and although he does not dance much
+and is not much of a dancer, it is impossible to complain of any lack of
+vigour in his steps as he tears round the room with his partner in
+double-quick time. Having done this he will descend to supper with a
+young married lady whom he is temporarily honouring with his attentions,
+and will impress her with the maturity of his views of the world. He
+will hint to her that, after all, there is more to be said for _Don
+Juan_ than is commonly supposed, and that "by Gad, a feller who chucks
+away his chances when there are no end of 'em runnin' after him is a
+fool dontcherknow, and you may tell 'em I said so." After he has
+imparted this information he will re-conduct her upstairs, and will then
+leave in a hansom preceded by a tall cigar, for which he has paid
+half-a-crown.
+
+At Maidenhead, too, on Sundays during the summer the Young Guardsman is
+a conspicuous object. Robed in spotless flannels, with the Brigade
+Colours round his straw hat and his neck, he may be seen propelling a
+punt with much perseverance and some accuracy to Boulter's Lock and
+back. Afterwards he will dine with the comfortable conviction that he
+has had very violent exercise.
+
+Of the Young Guardsman's dress much might be said. It is spotless and
+careful and is evidently the result of deep thought. Yet, if a fault may
+be hinted, it errs like his cigar on the side of exaggeration. A
+frock-coat should fit well, but his is too tight. Fashion no doubt
+demands that in the daytime a cascade of silk or satin should pour
+itself into a lake of shirt-front, but the cascade need not be a Niagara
+nor the lake an Ontario. It is true of course that at night no young man
+who respects himself and values the opinion of his friends would dream
+of wearing a white tie of any but the butterfly pattern. Still there are
+butterflies and butterflies, and the Young Guardsman's model would seem
+to be rather one of the huge tropical varieties than any known to our
+northern climate. These, however, are but trifling defects which
+scarcely detract from the shining and ornamental completeness of his
+appearance.
+
+It is remarkable how readily the Young Guardsman imagines himself to be
+an adept in the mysteries of the turf. With a light heart and a heavy
+betting-book he faces the hoary sinners who lay the odds. Nor is it
+until he has lost more money than his father can well afford that he
+discovers that the raw inexperience even of a Young Guardsman is
+unequally matched against the cool head, and the long purse, of the
+professional book-maker. In vain does he call in the aid of the venal
+tipster. The result is always the same, and he returns home from every
+race-meeting without ever, to use his own phrase, "getting home" at all.
+Indeed, if they may be believed, the subalterns of "the Brigade" never
+vary from a condition which they always describe as stony-broke.
+
+A little later in his career the Young Guardsman will find himself
+temporarily on the staff of a General appointed to command a force of
+Volunteers during some Easter man[oe]uvres. He will wear a white belt,
+the frock-coat of his undress uniform and a cocked hat, and will believe
+himself to be a Staff officer. He will perform his duties not without
+efficiency, but will scarcely take enough trouble to remove from the
+minds of the Volunteers to whom he issues orders, that idea of patronage
+which is to a rightly constituted Volunteer what a red rag is said to be
+to a bull. Soon after this, a war having broken out in Africa, he will
+volunteer for active service and will be accepted. Being after all a
+young man of pluck and spirit, he will pass with distinction through the
+hardships and dangers of the campaign. Amid the stern realities of the
+bivouac and the battlefield his swagger and his affectations will
+vanish. Returning home in this altered condition it is as likely as not
+that he will marry, and having served his Queen with solid credit for
+many years, will eventually retire with the rank of General and the
+well-earned respect of all who know him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST OF THE BACILLI.
+
+(_Feuilleton of the "Medical Record," April, 1900._)
+
+In a gloomy and inaccessible cavity, situated in the diaphragm of the
+human body in which he had made his home, stood the last of the Bacilli.
+His friends and his brothers, the companions of his innocent childhood,
+the associates of his boyish days, his fellow-adventurers in manhood's
+prime--all, all had perished. Some had been ruthlessly hunted down by a
+skilled body of German assassins; others had died under the cruel
+attacks of the pestilent Frenchman. The Cholera Bacillus, the king of
+them all, was the first to fall; typhoid and typhus, small-pox and
+measles, fits of convulsions or of sneezing, coughs and catarrhs, had
+all been deprived of Bacilli and slain. The Wart Bacillus had fought
+hard and maintained himself for a long time on a precarious footing of
+fingers and thumbs; but he too had been extirpated. The Thirst Bacillus
+had given up the ghost yesterday, after keeping up for years a guerilla
+warfare disguised either as a green rat or a striped snake. And now the
+mighty Hunger Bacillus stood alone, gloomy and defiant. But he knew his
+hour had come. "Better death," he shouted, "than the microscope!" and
+with these words drew his sword and dashed forth into the darkness.
+There was a yell, followed by the sound of steel beaten against steel,
+then a blood-curdling gurgle, and all grew still.
+
+"He was a gallant scoundrel, but my quick _riposte_ confused him,"
+observed Signor SUCCI, who entered the apartment, wiping his blade on
+the advertisement of a new beef-essence, and taking copious draughts of
+his elixir.
+
+Thus died, as he had lived, dismal, desperate, degraded, the Hunger
+Bacillus, the last of his race.
+
+(_From another Column of the same Paper._)
+
+We rejoice to hear that the Act for making Succination compulsory is to
+be energetically enforced. Public Succinators have now been appointed to
+every district, and every parent omitting to have the operation
+performed upon his infant within two months after birth is to be
+rigorously prosecuted. Henceforth, as we may remind our readers, anybody
+"complaining of hunger shall be liable on conviction to be imprisoned
+for not less than six calendar months, with or without hard labour." We
+quote the words of clause 3 of the Act.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALLOWED TO STARVE.
+
+THE SUCCESSFUL FASTING-MAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF THE SIX HUNDRED!!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Mr. JAMES PAYN has the peculiar gift of writing a novel as if he were
+telling you a story _vivâ voce_ and interesting you in it, not only by
+reason of its plot, but also by his way of narrating it. There is a
+spontaneity about his style which to the Baron is most refreshing: it is
+like listening to two clever men, one of whom is telling the story, and
+the other is enlivening it with his sharp and appropriate comments,
+always dropped in parenthetically. Mr. PAYN is a good hand at keeping a
+secret, and it is not for the BARON DE B. W. to tell beforehand what the
+novelist keeps as a little bit up his sleeve till the last moment. Why
+call it _The Burnt Million_? To what tremendous conflagration involving
+such a fearful loss of life does the title point? The story will
+interest the Million and delight Thousands. Excellent as is the dialogue
+generally, the Baron ventures to doubt whether any ordinary person (and
+no one of these characters is a genius) ever begins a sentence with
+"Nay." Anent _The Burnt Million_, the Baron's advice to persons in
+search of a novel is, "_Tolle, lege!_" Also the Baron says, get _La
+Revue de Famille_ at HACHETTE's. _Un Foyer de Théâtre_, by M. AUDEBRAND,
+for all interested in the history of the French Drama, is delightful
+reading. Don't miss _Causerie Littéraire_, by Mr. CHARLES BENOIST.
+
+The Baroness says, read "Poor Mr. Carrington" in _Temple Bar_.
+
+_Lippincott's Magazine_ this month is heartily welcome,--we should say,
+BRET HARTE-ily welcome. Capital story, by B. H., "A Sappho of Green
+Sprigs."
+
+  (_Signed_)      BARON DE BOOK WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODDS ON THE BEDMAKERS.
+
+    [A proposal for the abolition of Bedmakers is being discussed in
+    Cambridge.]
+
+_Chorus of Undergraduates:--_
+
+  There are things we could spare; we could watch without weeping
+    A Tutor's extinction, a Dean's disappearance.
+  And Professors who drone while their pupils are sleeping,
+    Though they went at a loss, we should welcome the clearance.
+
+  And Proctors who blandly demand six-and-eightpence,
+    And, while toiling themselves, send all petticoats spinning;
+  And Porters who tick off our names for our gate-pence;
+    And Bull-dogs who help to withhold us from sinning.
+
+  And the juvenile Don who thinks "Dons should be firmer,"
+    And the elderly Don who is painfully nervous--
+  We could see them depart without even a murmur,
+    So our Bedmakers stay to amuse and to serve us.
+
+  We have watched, while we trembled, the pomps and the maces,
+    Stern emblems of rule, with the Esquire Bedell come;
+  We have heard of the Senate, its edicts and graces,--
+    Take the lot, if you like, you may have them and welcome.
+
+  But the "Bedder"? No, no. Come, we offer a wager:
+    We will bet she survives who of beds is the maker!
+  Any answer? Not one; for, in spite of her age, her
+    Attractions are such that there isn't a taker.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEASURES AND MEN.--M. JACQUES BERTILLON has been lecturing before the
+Anthropological Society--(the only Society where _anthropoi_ are
+logical)--on his method of "identifying criminals by comparing their
+measures with those of convicted prisoners on the prison registers."
+Ahem! How about novel Home Rule Measures compared with those of past
+Kilmainhamites?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUEEN'S SERVICE.
+
+"I SEE YOUR SERVANTS WEAR COCKADES NOW, MISS SHODDSON."
+
+"YES. PA'S JUST BECOME A MEMBER OF THE ARMY AND NAVY STORES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+L'ENFANT TERRIBLE!
+
+_Chorus of Passengers, expostulating:--_
+
+  Stop, WILLIAM, stop! Your game is not a game _we_ can enjoy!
+  Your father's son should not thus play the Little Vulgar Boy!
+  This is not Margate, WILLIAM mine, and ours is not a crew
+  Of ordinary trippers, packed aboard the _Lively Loo_
+  For a shillingsworth of suffering on a wild and wobbling sea.
+  Stop, WILLIAM! You'll upset the boat! Why can't you let it be?
+
+  Our boat has braved a many storms. It's old and may be crank;
+  But though it sometimes sprang a leak, it never wholly sank.
+  We are not packed so close to-day as we have oft been packed.
+  Against some stiffer gales than this we've weathered and we've tacked;
+  But, WILLIAM, though our craft tossed wild, though loud the winds have
+    roared,
+  We've never, never had so bad a boy as _you_ on board!
+
+  Sit down, now do, you pickle, you! Don't dance upon that thwart,
+  And see-saw in that sort of way. We want to get to port,
+  Not Davy Jones's Locker, Sir. "These roarers" are wild things,
+  As SHAKSPEARE in _The Tempest_ says, and do not care for Kings;
+  To keep them down and bale them out has always been our aim;
+  But you, you just play larks with them. What _is_ your little game?
+  You, young, the latest chap on board, but of a sound old stock
+  Of Royal navigators, do you think it right to mock
+  All nautical traditions in this reckless kind of way,
+  And greet these waves, as BYRON did, as though with them you'd _play_?
+  They're dangerous playfellows, boy; tiger-cubs hardly in it
+  For riskiness! I say, do stop! You'll swamp us in a minute.
+  Look at your Crown! Such head-gear, boy, is seldom a tight fit,
+  And oscillations sometimes act as Notices to Quit!
+
+  What would your grandfather have said to see you sway and prance?
+  Sit still, lad, you alarm us all. Just look at Madame FRANCE!
+  She's thought a fairish sailor, and has doffed her Crown, but see,
+  She's clutching at the gunwale, too, as nervous as can be.
+  Whilst, as for dear Señora SPAIN and her poor little charge,
+  I guess she wishes this same tub were CLEOPATRA's barge,
+  Or something broad and beamy that won't easily capsize.
+  AUSTRIA's staring with a look of agonized surprise.
+  And ITALY's dumfoundered. Sit down, boy! you're tempting fate.
+  These days are trying ones, for _us_, 'tis worse than Forty-Eight.
+  Then there were winds and whirlpools, but no Socialistic Sea
+  Sweeping all shores, and threatening International anarchy.
+  And with _its_ waves you're wantoning, and wobbling up and down,
+  Indifferent to our stomachs,--as regardless of your Crown.
+  Upon my honour it's too bad. _Noblesse oblige_, you know,
+  'Tis not a Hohenzollern we'd expect to serve us so.
+  You've sacked our safest Pilot, who objected to your pranks,
+  And now you are coquetting with mad mutiny in the ranks,
+  Eh? You'll suppress it when you please, you'll smash up all your foes?
+  'Tis a new game, for Royalty, and risky, goodness knows.
+  Meanwhile, _don't_ sway the boat like that, into the sea you'll fall;
+  Or, what's more likely, just capsize the craft and drown us all!
+
+       * * *
+
+[Illustration: L'ENFANT TERRIBLE!
+
+CHORUS IN THE STERN. "DON'T GO ON LIKE THAT--OR YOU'LL UPSET US ALL!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.
+
+Exceptionally good in food for body and mind. "First person present in
+indicative mood" is Sir FREDERICK, the courteous President, pointing out
+to Royal Highnesses the beauties of Burlington House. Stars, ribands,
+and garters everywhere. Exceptionally distinguished personages come in
+with invitations only, and no orders. Pretty to see Cardinal MANNING's
+bright scarlet scull-cap, quite eclipsing RUSTEM PASHA's fez. Cardinal
+distinctly observed to smile during MARKISS's humorous observations.
+"MARKISS is ready," sounds like twin phrase to "Barkis is willin'."
+H.R.H.'s speech shorter than ever. Wonderful, too, how eloquent Sir
+FREDERICK contrives to spread fresh butter on dry old toasts, so that
+everyone relishes them as choice morsels. All speeches shorter, except
+Admiralty Lord's, who, being among portrait-painters, goes in for
+figures. But where is--"Mr. STANLEY, I presume?" Not here. Invited, but
+perhaps exploring neighbourhood, and unable to discover Burlington
+House. Altogether an exceptionally brilliant evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A HORSE FAIR.
+
+Dealer. "NOW, GUV'NOR, SAY YOU'LL 'AVE 'IM FOR THIRTY-FIVE BOB. YOU
+CAN'T GET A GOOD SOUND YOUNG 'OSS LIKE 'IM FOR LESS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE NEW SCRIBE AND POET.
+
+AIR--"_O Ruddier than the Cherry!_"
+
+  O RUDYARD, in this sherry,
+  I drink your very, very
+        Good health. I would
+        That write I could
+  Like KIPLING, sad or merry.
+
+(_Signed)_      INVIDIUS NASO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NELL OF CHELSEA.
+
+(_A Legend of the Opening of the Royal Military Exhibition._)
+
+The Lady got out of her picture in the Morning Room, and glanced at
+herself in the Club glass. She had been painted by Sir PETER LELY, and
+consequently was scarcely in a costume suitable to a May Day at the
+close of the Nineteenth Century.
+
+"I' faith," said the Lady, "but I must get me a cloak to cover me,
+otherwise I shall have a crowd a following me."
+
+It will be seen from this observation that, although the Lady had
+flourished (very considerably) in the time of CHARLES THE SECOND, she
+had not kept up her Carolian English. It is possible that the chit-chat
+under her frame by the fire-place had corrupted the purity of her--to an
+antiquary--interesting lingo. Be this as it may, she glided down the
+large and handsome staircase, and selecting the furred and hooded coat
+of a member who had just returned from abroad, annexed it.
+
+"This will do nicely," she murmured; "quite the mode," a remark which
+proved that she had seen no fashion-plates lying on the Club table, and,
+therefore, was entirely ignorant of the modern mysteries of ladies'
+dress. However, she passed in the crowd--partly because no one appeared
+to notice her. A Lady from a portrait by Sir PETER LELY without her
+frame and background, after all, is rather a shadowy creation.
+
+When she had turned from Garrick Street into St. Martin's Lane, she
+looked about her in surprise. What had been fields when she was in the
+flesh were now sites of houses. She glided along, perplexed to a degree,
+until she got to Charing Cross; then she recognised the statue of
+CHARLES THE FIRST, and what was standing of White Hall.
+
+"By my troth, this is not an improvement! Houses, houses, nothing but
+houses! I will e'en take the water to Chelsea, and see the hospital I
+persuaded ROWLEY to give to his poor soldiers. There should be some
+stairs hereabouts."
+
+But if the Lady did not find stairs, she came across a landing-stage.
+She got on to the Westminster Pier, and was soon aboard one of the best
+vessels of the Victoria Steamboat Association, Limited. Within half an
+hour or so she was landed opposite the building it had been her
+privilege to secure for the benefit of the British Army. The place was
+brave with bunting. There were enormous sheds full of battle pictures
+and portraits, and in the grounds was an arena suitable for the holding
+of military sports. Then there was a huge band-stand, and the electric
+light was laid on with great liberality in the gardens.
+
+"Gad'sooks!" exclaimed the Lady of the Picture; "and what are they doing
+in the precincts of Chelsea Hospital?"
+
+She was immediately supplied with information. A Military Exhibition was
+being held in aid of the Church of England Institutes--establishments
+(so she was told) of a strictly unsectarian character. The
+entertainments would be of a most popular character,--weather
+permitting, _al fresco_. The commissariat would be excellent. In one
+place only temperance beverages would be served, but elsewhere there
+would be--well--there would be drinks. At that very moment the
+Exhibition was being opened by the Most Illustrious Gentleman in the
+Land accompanied by H.R.H.'s most charming and most beautiful partner.
+Would the Lady like to see the place?
+
+"Another time," she replied. "Stay, I would like to see myself. Have you
+a picture of me? I am Mistress NELLIE GWYNNE."
+
+Her courteous informant bowed, and shook his head. He had heard it
+suggested at the inaugural lunch that she should be represented, but
+there were so many things to do--the Military Sports, the eating
+and drinking, the Royal Patronage, and the Church of England
+Institutes,--that, in point of fact, the matter had been overlooked.
+
+"Well, never mind," said good-natured NELLIE, "I daresay you will get on
+very well without me. But look to this, my master. Here we are very near
+the site of old Cremorne, and a part of the grounds over yonder is
+called Ranelagh. You have lights and bands, and subtle beverages, some
+of which will cheer but not inebriate,--and others that may possibly
+reverse the operation. Well, well, my portrait is not in your
+collection,--the best I can wish you is that you may keep your night
+_fêtes_ as select as your picture-gallery."
+
+And with this the Lady returned to her frame beside the fire-place in
+the Club Morning Room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NUTS" FOR THE COAL TRADE.
+
+    [Under the 29th Section of the Weights and Measures Act "the person
+    in charge of the vehicle," when coal-frauds are perpetrated, seems
+    to be alone punishable.]
+
+  Not a sack was full, not a weight was true,
+    As the coals to their cellar we hurried;
+  Not an eye could see were they many or few
+    In the crypt where our cobbles we buried.
+
+  We buried them gaily, at luncheon time,
+    All Acts of Parliament spurning;
+  There were "Kitchens," composed of slate and slime,
+    And Wallsend, "dimly burning."
+
+  No fussing servants surveyed our cart--
+    (If they had, we'd have kept them shivering)
+  --They were busy serving the family tart
+    At our chosen hour for delivering!
+
+  Few and brief the remarks we made;
+    Not of coals, but of beer, we chattered;
+  And we thought of the tricks of an opulent trade
+    As the coal-dust we liberally scattered.
+
+  We thought of our "dealer," our wealthy boss,
+    How he's spared by the law just created;
+  How we carmen are made to suffer the loss
+    When for fraud by a Court we are "slated."
+
+  Lightly they'll talk of his "ha'porth of sack,"
+    On his weights make unhandsome reflection;
+  But little he'll reck, as fines fall on our back,
+    And _he's_ "doubly-screened" from detection!
+
+  But half of our "heavy task" was done
+    When a spy of the Council--drat it!--
+  Came pushing his nose in our sacks, every one,
+    Tried our weights, and our bill--looked at it!
+
+  Slowly and sadly we slunk out of sight,
+    Objecting to get into hobbles;
+  We breathed no farewell, and we said no good-night,
+    But we left him alone with the cobbles!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAST REPORT.--The Dean and Chapter of Westminster have discharged a
+Canon. No one was seriously injured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.--No. 1. ROYAL ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 1004. Tally Ho Ho Ho! Going over a Ha! Ha! Ha! Quite
+the picture of the year, and will probably be presented by subscription
+to Colney Hatch, Esq., Master of the Hanwell Hounds.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 243. The Determined Bather. Temperature so cold that
+drapery is frozen.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 110. Curiosity in Animal Life. Escaped from
+Barnum's.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 437. Advertisement for Provincial Tour of Griffiths
+Brothers as "The Blondin Donkey."]
+
+       * * *
+
+No. 5. The First Storey in the Royal Academy Annual is entitled, _The
+Hungry Messenger_. Good STOREY.
+
+No. 44. Never put off till to MORO PHILLIPS what you can put on to-day.
+Illustration of an elderly Blue-coat Boy unable to leave off an old
+habit.
+
+No. 53, with No. 98 and No. 91. Ought to have been hung together,
+portraits "_en soot_."
+
+No. 202. _Ethereal Football._
+
+No. 224. _Boy and Dog._ BRITON RIVIÈRE, R.A. Dog unmuzzled, boy hears
+policeman's footstep.
+
+No. 235. "_Every dog has his Washing-day._" Pet just been cleaned and
+brought into drawing-room. Doubtful reception by Papa and other sisters.
+Hardly up to the usual form of W. Q. ORCHARDSON, R.A.
+
+No. 292. Mr. PHIL. A. MORRIS, A. calls this "_La Belle Américaine_." Is
+she? The tone of this belle is rather loud.
+
+No. 303. A wonderful picture and portrait, by LUKE FILDES, R.A. "LUKE on
+this picture and on----" any other portrait, and you'll find this hard
+to beat. Wealth of colour, colour of wealth, _affaire de Luke's_.
+
+No. 318. _Major E. R. Burke._ Admirable portrait, by HUBERT HERKOMER, A.
+See how the Master of Bushey has dealt with the Hair! As might be
+expected from a Hair-comber with a brush in his hand. Will be remembered
+as "_Burke and Hair_."
+
+No. 411. _Mrs. Arthur Sassoon._ Charming. Sweet simplicity.
+
+You'll say this _as soon_ as you see it. HUBERT HERKOMER, A(ngcore).
+
+[Illustration: No. 361. Scene at Dollis Hill.]
+
+No. 463. _Sir Oscar Clayton, C.M.E._ Bravo Mr. F. GOODALL, R.A. Good
+entirely. Artist was thinking of adapting refrain of popular comic song,
+"_Ask a P'liceman_," and writing under portrait legend--
+
+If you want to know who's this,--
+        "OSCAR CLAYTON."
+
+But it was unnecessary, as the portrait speaks for itself.
+
+No. 473. _D-T-erioration;_ or, Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, K.C.S.I., commencing as
+a book-maker, and laying "two to one bar one." "ARNOLD'S first exercise"
+in this character is depicted by JAMES ARCHER.
+
+No. 600. _Tum-Tum The Melancholy_, By JOSEPH MORDECAI. Is HAMAN hung
+too?
+
+No. 703. "_Nobody looking, Mother, You can prig something out of the
+Money-box._" But the vigilant Verger has his eye on them. Such is the
+story told by BLANDFORD FLETCHER.
+
+No. 744. Coming home late in the Olden Time. By RALPH HEDLEY. No
+latch-key. Rousing the neighbourhood with pantomime door-knocker.
+Situation graphically depicted.
+
+No. 759. _By the Linn Pool._ By NOBLE. Charming. Must be of course;
+_Noblesse oblige_.
+
+[Illustration: No. 487. Primrose Dames.]
+
+No. 794. "_Out shooting._" Very much out, shooting. Nothing to CROWE
+about.
+
+No. 886. _A Smile._ Delightful. This Miss is as good as her smile. JAN
+VAN BEERS.
+
+No. 1028. "_Please to remember the Ninth of November._" Lord Mayor's
+Procession stopped by photographer. "Now, then--wait--where you
+are--when I say three!" And as they were taken, so they are cleverly
+represented by WILLIAM LOGSDAIL.
+
+[Illustration: No. 652. Mrs. Jack-in-the-Green. Tree-mendous!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 28._--Irish Land Purchase Bill again.
+CHAMBERLAIN lifts debate out of somewhat tedious trough into which it
+had fallen. Remarkable speech; bold in conception; adroit in
+arrangement; forcible in argument; lucid in exposition. Spoke for over
+an hour, and though his discourse, full of intricate points, the
+marshalling of which was frequently interrupted by angry or scornful
+cries from below Gangway, JOSEPH had not a scrap of paper in his hand,
+did not once refer to a note.
+
+"Admirable," said GRANDOLPH, looking on with appreciative, though not
+loving eyes. "If he had lived in the time of his father JACOB, it would
+have been no use his brothers putting him in the pit; he would have
+argued himself clean out before they were half a mile on their way back
+to the family place in Canaan. Weak part of his position is that he is
+trying to serve two Bills, BALFOUR'S and PARNELL'S. Can't recommend
+BALFOUR'S scheme without belittling PARNELL'S; same thing other way
+about. Reminds me, TOBY, of a passage in WORDSWORTH'S prose writings;
+not so much read as his poetry; but daresay you remember it. There was a
+Bishop WATSON who began his official career as a Liberal. He was
+frightened into Conservatism, and WORDSWORTH, then a hot young youth,
+goes for him as youth does sometimes gird at Respectability. 'Upon what
+principle,' he asked the Bishop, 'is your conduct to be explained? In
+some parts of England it is quaintly said when a drunken man is seen
+reeling home, that he has business on both sides of the road. Observing
+your Lordship's tortuous path, the spectators will be far from
+insinuating that you have partaken of Mr. BOURKE'S intoxicating bowl.
+They will content themselves, shaking their heads as you stagger along,
+with saying that you have business on both sides of the road.' That's
+what's the matter with CHAMBERLAIN. He's very smart, very clever, very
+capable; but in politics, dear TOBY, no one ever succeeds who has
+business on both sides of the road."
+
+"What do _you_ think?" I asked CHRISTOPHER SYKES, who stood looking on
+with familiar aspect of unutterable wisdom.
+
+"I wasn't thinking of that at all," he answered, gloomily. "Haven't yet
+got over what GEORGE LEWIS said in Court on Saturday. You've heard or
+read about it, of course? Took opportunity of observing, that though I
+was near sixty years of age, I was very innocent. I may be getting on
+for sixty, but I'll tell you what, TOBY, I'm not nearly so innocent as I
+look."
+
+CHRISTOPHER really hurt with GEORGE LEWIS'S aspersion. Comforted him by
+hinting that I knew some dreadful things about him.
+
+"We remember your Crabs and Lobsters Bill," I said, soothingly. "There
+was much more in that than met the eye. You're a crafty old CHRISTOPHER;
+just the sort of man to take in a fellow like GEORGE LEWIS, who thinks
+he knows everything."
+
+CHRISTOPHER smiled a deep and wicked smile, and strode off in better
+spirits. Always like to say a kind word to a man when I can.
+
+_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill again.
+
+_Tuesday._--Fight on Land Purchase Bill been going forward again at
+Morning Sitting; rather dull, though enlivened by speech from PLUNKET,
+who once more reminded House how much it loses by his habitual silence.
+At Evening Sitting GRANDOLPH came on with his Licensing Bill. Let eager
+politicians and ambitious statesmen arm themselves for combat in the
+field of high politics; GRANDOLPH'S only desire is to do a little good
+in the world whilst yet he lingers on this level. Nothing new in crusade
+against drink. No _kudos_ to be gained; no acclaim of the multitude to
+ring in the pleased ear; no cheering clash of party conflict. GRANDOLPH
+gives a deprecating twirl to his modest moustache, and takes up his
+homely parable. Possibly he does this with the larger content, since he
+had his go at the Land Purchase Bill before Debate on Second Reading
+opened. His letters, published on eve of Easter recess, hurtled
+pleasantly around the heads of his esteemed friends on Treasury Bench.
+Could not say anything more or anything better if he joined in debate;
+so sits silent through Morning Sitting, and when the shades of evening
+fall, he meekly lifts up his voice, expounding a measure of domestic
+legislation fraught with permanent interest to the masses.
+
+"A most promising member of the Band of Hope," says WILFRED LAWSON,
+regarding GRANDOLPH with fatherly kindness. "Wonder if I might ask him
+to crack a bottle of ginger-beer with me. Will certainly proffer the
+hospitality if I get a chance."
+
+[Illustration: "I'm not nearly so innocent as I look."]
+
+The grand young GARDNER (_and_ his wife; can complete quotation now)
+back again after wedding trip. Doesn't look quite so brisk as the
+average bridegroom. "Fact is, old fellow," he said, as I condoled with
+him, "when I said I would die a bachelor, I never thought I would live
+to be married, go off on a wedding trip, catch the influenza at
+Innsbruck, the measles at Milan, the scarlatina at Samarcand, and the
+malaria at Mentone."
+
+_Business done._--Morning Sitting, Irish Land Purchase Bill; Evening,
+GRANDOLPH'S Licensing Bill read First Time.
+
+_Thursday._--Ordinarily amicable proceedings in debate on Irish Land
+Purchase Bill varied by accidental but unhappy circumstances. Prince
+ARTHUR in course of speech happened to say, that "under Bill of 1886
+Irish Government was supposed to be a buffer between the English
+Government and the Irish tenant." Mr. G., sitting attentive, suddenly
+sprang up when this insult fell on his ear. Bill of 1886 not a tempting
+topic; led to downfall of his Ministry; but to hear it publicly called a
+"buffer," more than he could stand--or, rather, sit. Leaped to feet,
+and, with thrilling energy, repudiated gross imputation. Prince ARTHUR
+taken aback; hadn't meant anything particular. To call a thing or a
+person a buffer not necessarily a term of opprobrium. Everything depends
+on inflection of tone. Suppose, now, leaning across the table, he had
+addressed Mr. G. as "old buffer," that would perhaps have been a little
+familiar, but not vindictive.
+
+This he tried to make clear. Having, as he thought, averted the thunder,
+repeated remarks about Bill of 1886 being a buffer. Didn't even put it
+in that direct form.
+
+"I said," he observed with seraphic smile and deferential manner, "that
+the Irish Government under the Right Hon. Gentleman's Bill was supposed
+to occupy the position, more or less, of a buffer between the English
+Government and the Irish tenant."
+
+Mr. G. up again with catapultic force and suddenness. "Not in the
+least," he angrily protested. "A buffer is between two things."
+
+Expected that would floor Prince ARTHUR; but he came back again, and
+sheltering himself behind the brass-bound box, called out, "Yes, but a
+buffer might be between two persons as well as between two things."
+
+Mr. G. angrily shook his head; a Jove-like frown mantled his
+countenance. But disdained to pursue controversy further, and Prince
+ARTHUR, carefully avoiding further reference to buffers, went his way.
+Difference of opinion as to how question was left; Conservatives insist
+that Prince ARTHUR had best of it; Liberals stand by Mr. G. Many wonder
+why SPEAKER did not interfere; as he did not, it is assumed that buffer
+is a Parliamentary word, at least when applied to inanimate creation.
+
+_Business done._--Second Heading of Irish Land Purchase Bill carried by
+348 Votes against 268.
+
+_Friday._--HARTINGTON suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, blossomed
+into effective speech. Of all subjects in world was Disestablishment of
+Kirk in Scotland! Calculated to depress most people; brightened
+HARTINGTON up beyond all knowledge. His little hit at GLADSTONE,
+sheltering himself behind his (HARTINGTON'S) familiar and convenient
+declaration, that on Disestablishment Question he would be guided by the
+opinion of the majority of the Scotch people, neatly and dexterously
+made. Also his reference to the short time when he had honour of being
+"at least the nominal Leader of the Liberal Party," and found Mr. G. a
+somewhat unruly follower. Most excellent. HARTINGTON should try this
+line again.
+
+_Business done._--Motion for Scotch Disestablishment negatived by 256
+Votes against 218.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+_Wednesday, May 7._--_Mr. Punch_ out. Everybody's at home to _him_.
+
+_Friday 9._--Mrs. DUFFER'S first dance if she knows the step.
+
+_Saturday 10._--Rehearsal of Crystal Palace fireworks, 2 P.M. Admission
+by entrance gates only.
+
+_Monday 12._--Breakfast to Mr. H. M. STANLEY, at whatever time he orders
+it.
+
+First Meet of H.S. Drags, Serpentine.
+
+Foot-ball in Rotten Row, by kind permission of GEORGE RANGER and the
+Commissioner of Police.
+
+Mrs. NOODLE'S second dance postponed, as she hasn't given her first yet.
+
+_Tuesday 13._--Holiday at Zoological Gardens. Cages all open. Admission
+free. Banquets, Excursions, and Alarums.
+
+       * * *
+
+LADY HENRIETTA SISKIN'S Charity Dance has been postponed until the
+following week. A large and distinguished company is expected to grace
+the mezzotint hall of her ladyship's new mansion in Belgravia on the
+occasion. No expense is to be spared in the general decoration of the
+supper-room, which was built, it will be remembered, by her ladyship's
+great-grandfather in the reign of GEORGE THE THIRD.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Correspondent furnishes us with the following curious
+observations:--"I have noticed," he writes, "that those who walk or ride
+in the Park are, generally speaking, of two sexes, and possess, as a
+rule, four fingers and a thumb on each hand. By a curious freak of
+fashion, a frock-coat is not now worn with a muslin skirt; and a
+moustache may be sought for in vain under a sun-bonnet. Horses are
+ridden with four legs, and, in some cases, with a tail, although this is
+not essential."
+
+       * * *
+
+It is strange to notice how much the tastes of theatre-goers vary at the
+present day. Some prefer the Haymarket, some the Strand, others flock to
+the Lyceum, and some are turned away from the Savoy, the Garrick, or the
+Avenue. Philosophers have, as yet, paid too little attention to this
+matter. Would Mr. HERBERT SPENCER or Mr. LANG oblige?
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been calculated by the Society for the Collection of Domestic
+Data, that if three-fourths of the Cooks of the Metropolis struck work
+on any given day, exactly nine-twelfths of the resident employers of
+servants would be seriously inconvenienced.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is but very slight foundation for the report that, if AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS (first so styled in the burlesque on _Claudian_) should be
+elected to the Shrievalty, Messrs. HARRY NICHOLLS and HERBERT CAMPBELL
+will be the Under-Sheriffs.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Correspondent lately drew Mr. GL-DST-NE'S attention to the prevalence
+of mud after rain, and the consequent injury to carts, collars, and
+carriages. The veteran Statesman has found time to send the following
+post-card reply, which will be perused with interest:--
+
+SIR,--The subject to which you direct my attention is no doubt of
+peculiar interest to those in any way connected with the vehicular
+traffic by which so much of the commerce and pleasure of the Metropolis
+is carried on. In view, however, of the pressing exigencies of the Irish
+Question, I cannot do more than take a note of your objections to
+mud-spots, leaving to those who may come after me the duty of dealing
+practically with your recommendations.
+
+  I am, faithfully yours,      W. E. GL-DST-NE.
+
+       * * *
+
+On the evening when Mr. STANLEY dines with the Turners' Company, where
+he is entertained as a Re-Turner, it is hoped that the authorities of
+the National Gallery will kindly allow all their Turners to attend. The
+history of the Turners' Company is interesting, commencing as it does
+with WHITTINGTON, who was the first person (before HENRY IRVING played
+it) to hear _The Bells_, and to obey their injunction "to turn again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
+Vol. 98, 1890.05.10, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 10, 1890. by Various</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, 1890.05.10, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, 1890.05.10
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: December 17, 2009 [EBook #30694]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>MAY 10, 1890.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>
+
+<h2>EIGHT HOURS ONLY.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Fancy Sketch of the Possible.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>It was the first day under the operation of the new Act. Everyone was a
+little nervous about the outcome, and <span class="smcap">John Jones</span>, the Barrister, was no
+exception to the general rule. At three o'clock he was in the full swing
+of an impassioned appeal to the Jury.</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon, Mr. <span class="smcap">Jones</span>," said the Judge, glancing at the clock,
+"but I am afraid I must interrupt you. I cannot hear you any longer."</p>
+
+<p>"But, my Lord, I have not touched upon a third of the case. I can assure
+you my remarks shall be as brief as possible."</p>
+
+<p>"That is not the point, Mr. <span class="smcap">Jones</span>," replied his Lordship. "I am
+following your argument with the liveliest interest, and I am sure that
+all you would wish to say would be of the greatest possible service to
+your client; but unfortunately I happen to know that you prepare your
+cases in the early hours of the morning. Now, you know the law as well I
+do. If you have not been at work to-day for eight hours, of course I
+shall be happy to hear; but if you have&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"As your Lordship pleases," said poor <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, and he gathered up his
+papers, and left the Court.</p>
+
+<p>"Just in time, Sir," observed the attendant in the robing-room, as he
+put the Barrister's wig in its box, and assisted him to divest himself
+of his gown. "Had you come five minutes later, we should have gone."</p>
+
+<p>"Really! How would that have suited silk and stuff?"</p>
+
+<p>"Caused a fearful row, I am afraid, Sir. But we daren't exceed the eight
+hours' limit, and we must keep two or three of them for some work we
+have in the evening."</p>
+
+<p>When <span class="smcap">Jones</span> found himself in the Strand he noticed that the traffic was
+considerably less than usual. The omnibuses were few and far between,
+and he did not see a cab in any direction.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Sir," replied a policeman, who was removing his band of office,
+preparatory to going home; "you won't find many. Eight hours' limit,
+Sir. Good-day, Sir. I am off myself."</p>
+
+<p>The boats had ceased running; there were no trams. To pass the time he
+thought he would call upon the Editor, whose rooms were in Fleet Street.</p>
+
+<p>"I hope I am not interrupting you," he said, as he entered the sanctum.</p>
+
+<p>"Interrupting me! Why, I am delighted to see you. We have nothing to do.
+Mustn't exceed the eight hours, and they were up at two o'clock. But how
+did you get in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, the Publisher opened the door, and then returned to a rubber of
+whist he was playing with the Reader, the Manager, and the Head of the
+Advertisement Department. I was introduced to them all. Then I watched a
+tug of war going on in the composing-room between the Compositors on the
+one side, and the Machinists and Foundry-men on the other, and came up
+here."</p>
+
+<p>"Very glad to see you, my dear fellow!" and the Editor once again shook
+hands.</p>
+
+<p>A little later <span class="smcap">Jones</span> entered a restaurant, but he was refused dinner.
+The eight hours' limit had cleared off the cooks and the waiters.
+Half-starving, he purchased a stall for the theatre. For a while his
+thoughts were distracted by the excellence of the performance. Suddenly,
+in the most interesting part of the play, the curtain was prematurely
+dropped.</p>
+
+<p>"Very sorry," said the Stage Manager, addressing the audience from
+behind the footlights, "but, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have no option. We
+had a rehearsal this morning of the new piece, and, taking this into
+consideration, our limit is reached. I may seize this opportunity for
+regretfully announcing that as two performances take more than eight
+hours, the customary Saturday <i>Matin&eacute;e</i> will for the future be
+discontinued."</p>
+
+<p>The orchestra played a few bars of the National Anthem, and the theatre
+cleared. <span class="smcap">Jones</span> strolled on to the Embankment, and, the evening being
+pleasant, took a seat. Beside him was a student reading for examination,
+a clergyman thinking out a sermon, and an artist taking a rough sketch.
+<span class="smcap">Jones</span> took out a brief himself and opened it.</p>
+
+<p>"It's no business of mine," said a policeman off duty, who happened to
+be passing, "but you gents will get yourselves into trouble if you
+exceed the limit."</p>
+
+<p>"I will go home," exclaimed <span class="smcap">Jones</span>; and he walked to his suburban villa.
+But the place was locked up, and the servants did not dare to open the
+door to him, as they had finished their legal spell of labour hours
+before.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't feel well," he murmured. "Will call upon my Doctor."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, my dear Sir," said the medical man, as <span class="smcap">Jones</span> appeared before him,
+"you know I must not prescribe for you. The eight hours' limit was
+reached at four."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, I suppose I must die. Will the Act allow me to do <i>that</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"You, as a Barrister, ought to know best, my dear Sir. What is <i>your</i>
+idea?"</p>
+
+<p>"My idea?" echoed the considering <span class="smcap">Jones</span>. "Well, I should say&mdash;&mdash; But,
+stay; I am not entitled to give a professional opinion until to-morrow
+morning! Still, offhand I may observe, that such an illegal death would
+savour of positive suicide; but it would not matter very much, as under
+existing circumstances suicide in some form or other seems to me
+inevitable!" And <span class="smcap">Jones</span> was right!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/217.png">
+<img src="images/217.png" width="100%" alt="MAXIMS FOR THE BAR." /></a>
+<h4>MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. NO. V.</h4>
+<p>"A Curate may be cross-examined with comparative safety."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Those who have carefully read the remarks which I have thought it my
+duty to make in these columns from time to time, must have reaped a
+golden harvest at Newmarket last week. It is not easy, of course, in
+these milk-and-water days to say what one means in sufficiently plain
+words. Personally, I have always been mild in my language, and have
+often been reproached on this score. But I have always found it
+possible, without using vulgar and exaggerated abuse, to express the
+contempt which, in common with every right-minded man, I feel for the
+grovelling herd of incompetent boobies, whose minds are as muddy as the
+Rowley Mile after a thunderstorm. <i>Surefoot</i> was always a favourite of
+mine. Two months ago I said, "if <i>Surefoot</i> can only face the starter
+for the Two Thousand firmly, he will probably get off well, and ought
+not to be far behind the first six at the finish. As to <i>Le Nord</i>,
+though he is not my colour, he is not likely to be last." Only a
+mooncalf, with a porridge-bowl instead of a head, could have mistaken
+these remarks.</p>
+
+<p>So Sir <span class="smcap">Thomas Chucks</span> has joined the ranks of aristocratic owners. Here
+is a chance for the dilly-dallying professors of humbug to distinguish
+themselves. What can be expected from a stable which always runs its
+trials at one o'clock in the morning, with nobody but Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeremy</span> to look
+on? No doubt we shall hear all about it in the columns which Mr. J.
+devotes to the edification of dough-faced, gruel-brained noodles who
+accept him as their prophet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Catawampus</i> ran well last week. With two stone less and a Calyx-eyed
+saddle-bar, he would have shown up even better. Whenever the barometer
+goes up two points <i>Catawampus</i> must be remembered. He was foaled in a
+ditch on the old North Road, somewhere between London and York, and
+having remained there or thereabouts for a month, may be considered a
+good stayer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Empire in the Time of Severus.</span>&mdash;Wonderful Juggler at the Empire,
+with a name that's not to be trifled with, <span class="smcap">Severus</span>. Some nights he may
+be better than on others, but you'll be delighted if you just catch him
+in the Juggler vein.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The Over-rated Rate-payers who fear the rising of the Rates more than
+almost any other rising, express a hope that the L. C. C. will be
+economical, and that <span class="smcap">Farrer</span> may be "Nearer."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/217.png">
+<img src="images/218.png" width="100%" alt="UNCERTAINTIES OF ARITHMETIC" /></a>
+<h4>UNCERTAINTIES OF ARITHMETIC.</h4>
+<p><i>Schoolmaster.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes; but look here, my Boy. Suppose I were to lend your
+Father <i>Five Hundred Pounds</i>, let us say,&mdash;without Interest,&mdash;but on
+condition that he should pay me Ten Pounds a Week. How much would he
+still Owe me in Two Months?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>New Boy.</i> "<span class="smcap">Five Hundred Pounds, Sir!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Schoolmaster.</i> "<span class="smcap">Tut! Tut! My Boy, you don't know the First Principles
+of Arithmetic!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>New Boy.</i> "<span class="smcap"><i>You</i> don't know <i>my Father</i>, Sir!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PRIMROSE'S PEEP-SHOW.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Vide Lord Rosebery's resum&eacute; of the year's work of the London County
+Council.</i>)<br /><br />
+<span class="smcap">Master Bull</span> <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Humph! Show is very passable, no doubt;</p>
+<p class="i2">And as you pull the strings, my clever Showman,</p>
+<p class="i0">'Tis clear that <i>you</i> know what you are about,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sense's sworn friend, and babbling folly's foeman.</p>
+<p class="i0">The slides, as worked by you, seem mighty fine,</p>
+<p class="i2">A trifle vague, perhaps, in composition,</p>
+<p class="i0">Sloppy in colouring, and weak in line,</p>
+<p class="i2">As is the civic peep-show's old tradition;</p>
+<p class="i0">Still there is graphic vigour here and there,</p>
+<p class="i2">Perspective, and a general sense of "movement."</p>
+<p class="i0">On the old "Shirker" Show, 'tis only fair</p>
+<p class="i2">To own, it evidences some improvement.</p>
+<p class="i0">Plenty of slides! there is no doubt of <i>that</i>;</p>
+<p class="i2">In fact one questions if there are too many.</p>
+<p class="i0">Yes, I shall find when you pass round the hat,</p>
+<p class="i2">The price is more than the old-fashioned Penny.</p>
+<p class="i0">I pay my money and I take my&mdash;choice?</p>
+<p class="i2">Well no, it won't quite fit, that fine old patter.</p>
+<p class="i0">Still, if your Show proves good, I shall rejoice;</p>
+<p class="i2">A trifling rise in fee won't greatly matter,</p>
+<p class="i0">If 'tis not too "progressive" (as you say).</p>
+<p class="i2">To stump up for sound work I'm always willing;</p>
+<p class="i0">But though, of course, a Penny may not pay,</p>
+<p class="i2">One wants a first-class Peep-Show for a Shilling!</p>
+<p class="i0">Some of your novel slides are rather nice,</p>
+<p class="i2">Some of them, on the other hand, look funny.</p>
+<p class="i0">I felt grave doubts about 'em once or twice.</p>
+<p class="i2">I don't want muddlers to absorb my money.</p>
+<p class="i0">However, as I said, 'tis very clear</p>
+<p class="i2">As puller of the strings you yield to no man.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Show seems promising, if rather dear,</p>
+<p class="i2">But anyhow it has a first-rate Showman!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"So Engelish you know!" exclaims the <span class="smcap">Baron De B. W.</span>, on seeing the
+advertisement of Dr. <span class="smcap">Louis Engel</span>'s new book from <i>Handel to Hall&eacute;</i>. "It
+will be interesting," says the Baron, "to note how much of <span class="smcap">Handel</span>'s
+popularity was due to that particular inspiration of genius which caused
+him to use the name of the future composer and pianist in one of his
+greatest works, namely, the celebrated '<i>Hallelujah Chorus</i>.' For this
+magnificent effort would have been only half the chorus it is without
+'<span class="smcap">Hall&eacute;</span>' to commence it."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW;</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Or, Puck at the Spigot.</span><br /><br />
+
+(<i>Shakspeare adapted to the situation</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>Bung.</i> Either I mistake your shape and making quite,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite</p>
+<p class="i4">Called <span class="smcap">Grandolph Goodfellow</span>. Are you not he</p>
+<p class="i4">That did your best to spill Lord <span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry</span>?</p>
+<p class="i4">Gave the Old Tory party quite a turn,</p>
+<p class="i4">And office with snug perquisites did spurn?</p>
+<p class="i4">And now you'd make Strong Drink to bear no barm</p>
+<p class="i4">(Or proper profit.) You would do us harm.</p>
+<p class="i4">Those that Hobgoblin call you, and sly <span class="smcap">Puck</span>,</p>
+<p class="i4">Are right; you always bring your friends bad luck.</p>
+<p class="i4">Are you not he?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>Puck.</i> By Jove, thou speak'st aright;</p>
+<p class="i4">I am that merry wanderer full of spite.</p>
+<p class="i4">I jest unto the Plebs and make it smile.</p>
+<p class="i4">Old, fat, and bean-fed Tories I beguile,</p>
+<p class="i4">And lead them to a Democratic goal.</p>
+<p class="i4">Now I am "going for" the flowing bowl.</p>
+<p class="i4">E'en <span class="smcap">W-lfr-d</span> owns I am "upon the job."</p>
+<p class="i4">I mean to save the workman many a "bob."</p>
+<p class="i4">But, lessening his chance of toping ale,</p>
+<p class="i4">The Witler tells his pals the saddest tale.</p>
+<p class="i4">Bacchus for his true friend mistaketh me,</p>
+<p class="i4">Then step I from his side, down topples he,</p>
+<p class="i4">And "Traitor!" cries, and swears I did but chaff,</p>
+<p class="i4">And the Teetotallers hold their sides and laugh,</p>
+<p class="i4">And chortle in their joy, and shout, and swear</p>
+<p class="i4">That <span class="smcap">Grandolph Goodfellow</span>'s a spirit rare.</p>
+<p class="i4">But room, old boy, the Second Reading's on.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>Bung.</i> He is a trickster:&mdash;Would that he were gone!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Social.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Dear me, how surprisingly your voice has strengthened since I last
+heard you sing</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Roars like a town-bull, and fancies himself a
+<span class="smcap">Lablache</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I saw quite a ring round your picture at the Academy to-day</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>,
+"If only he had heard them laugh!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Won't you stop and have some lunch?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Couldn't help asking
+him, as the confounded luncheon-bell rang a peal; but if he has any
+manners or consideration he'll say, 'No, thank you,' and go."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I know your face so well&mdash;but I am such a bad hand at names</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>,
+"Never saw him before in my life!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Pray allow me to get it</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Catch me moving!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You know you can trust me implicitly</i>;" <i>i.e.,</i> "May be a good story
+to tell."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>He has such wonderful wit</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "An unfailing flow of rudeness
+which he calls repartee."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Rather satirical, yes: but she has marvellous insight into
+character</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "She has been complimenting <i>me</i>."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Platformulars.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>These, then, are the arguments</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "They're all yawning&mdash;must
+end somehow."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A crushing reply</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, a retort discourteous, in which all the
+points of the attack are adroitly evaded.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>After the magnificent oration to which we have just listened with so
+much delight, I feel that anything that I can say must be in the nature
+of an anti-climax</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Confound him! Why will he take all the
+'fat' to himself, and cut the ground from under a fellow's feet?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I have the greatest possible pleasure in presiding over this</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>
+<i>magnificent assembly on this memorable occasion</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Place is
+like a malodorous oven, and I wish to goodness it were all over."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Parliamentary.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>I appeal to that consideration which the House always extends to a new
+Member, &amp;c.</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Mean to make them sit up a bit, but <i>must</i> come
+the conventional modest."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Honourable and Gallant Gentleman has fulfilled his task with all
+the ability that might naturally be expected</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "With none worth
+mentioning."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I rise to order</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "To raise <i>dis</i>order."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Epistolatory.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Let me be the first, dear, to congratulate you on your well-merited
+good fortune</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "She has the deuce's own luck, and doesn't
+deserve it."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Thank you so much for your beautiful present, which I shall value for
+its own sake as well as for the giver's</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Wouldn't give
+twopence for the two of 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>So good of you to send me your new book. I shall lose no time in
+reading it</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "No; not a single second."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">At a Dance.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>So you prefer to stand out of this dance, dear?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Trust her
+for being a <i>willing</i> 'Wallflower.'"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Shall we sit this out on the stairs?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "I don't want to dance,
+and I <i>do</i> want to spoon."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">A Little Music.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Well, dear, the only song I can remember, without music, is
+'Gasping'&mdash;but I'll try that, if you like</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "<i>Her</i> great song,
+which she has been grinding up to sing to&mdash;or rather <i>at</i>&mdash;young
+<span class="smcap">Fitz-Floss</span>. <i>Won't</i> she be wild?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Well, your Beethoven bits are lovely, dear, we know; but suppose you
+give us something lighter, for once</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "<span class="smcap">Beethoven</span>, indeed!
+<span class="smcap">Bessie Bellwood</span> is more <i>her</i> style."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Channel Passage.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Well, it may be a bit lively when we get out</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "You won't
+know whether you are on your head or your heels in ten minutes."</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Curiomania.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>I've never seen such a collection of curios in my life!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>,
+"Hope I never may again!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I'm no great judge of such things, but I should say this specimen is
+unique</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "It is to be <i>hoped</i> so!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ex-<i>qui-site</i>!!!" <i>i.e.</i>, "Rubbish!"</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Railroad Amenities.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>Awfully noisy carriages on this line</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Thank goodness! The
+clatter has tired even <i>his</i> stentor throat."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Good-bye! So sorry we don't travel farther together</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>,
+"Hooray! Now for feet up and forty winks!"</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Preparing for Private Theatricals.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<i>I'm sure you will be a great acquisition to my little company</i>;"
+<i>i.e.</i>, "Awful stick, but a <i>pis aller</i> I'm afraid."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Now if there's</i> anything <i>you notice not</i> quite <i>the thing</i>, pray
+<i>mention it</i>. I'm <i>not above taking a hint</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Nor <i>you</i> up to
+giving one&mdash;of any value."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Oh, no doubt you're right, though it's not the way</i> <span class="smcap">Charles Mathews</span>
+<i>did it</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "That's a nasty one for you, Mr. <span class="smcap">Meddler</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah, yes, I was a little off colour, perhaps; but I shall be all right
+on the night, you bet!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Not going to be dictated to by <i>you</i>
+anyhow."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Stands Scotland (Yard) where it Did?</span>"&mdash;Yes; only more so. And how kind
+and thoughtful of the Government to order that the materials for
+building the new Police Offices should be found and fashioned by the
+Dartmore convicts. Quite a labour of love!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Correspondent, in <i>Times</i> of Saturday, showed that, in Spite of increase
+of population, there has been a decrease of drunkenness. In 1884-85
+there were 183,221 drunken Police-court cases; but in 1887-88 only
+166,366. Anti-temperance persons will look upon this as "a Drop too
+much."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Pictures of the Year that no Patron of Art can possibly Overlook.</span>&mdash;Those
+that are sky'd.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"SCOTS, WHA HAE."</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>New Version. Sung at the Opening of the Edinburgh International
+Exhibition, May 1.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/219.png">
+<img src="images/219.png" width="100%" alt="SCOTS, WHA HAE." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Scots, wha hae at Paris bled,</p>
+<p class="i0">Scots, wham <span class="smcap">Cook</span> hath aften led,</p>
+<p class="i0">Welcome to the white, green, red,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of your ain Great Exhibition.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now's the day and now's the hour;</p>
+<p class="i0">Though you have no Eiffel Tower!</p>
+<p class="i0">See the bawbees pile and pour;</p>
+<p class="i2">All the world shall crowd to see!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Wha will want to pinch and save?</p>
+<p class="i0">Wha to see it will not crave?</p>
+<p class="i0">Wha will not declare it brave?</p>
+<p class="i2">Far from Edinbro' let him flee!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Wha will wish to see the sight</p>
+<p class="i0">Of the graund electric light,</p>
+<p class="i0">And the "Kiowatt" of might?</p>
+<p class="i2">Caledonian! on wi' me!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ninety acres on the plain!</p>
+<p class="i0">Almost apes the Show by Seine.</p>
+<p class="i0">Won't folk flock by tram and train</p>
+<p class="i2">To our International Show.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Let the Incandescents glow,</p>
+<p class="i0">Sixteen thousand, row on row!</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Sandy</span> all the world will show</p>
+<p class="i2">He will beat the best&mdash;or die!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)<br /><br />
+
+No. XI.&mdash;THE YOUNG GUARDSMAN.</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/220.png">
+<img src="images/220.png" width="100%" alt="THE YOUNG GUARDSMAN" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Young Guardsman believes himself to be not only the backbone of the
+British Army, its vital centre and support, but also its decorative
+master-piece. Other officers, of whom the Guardsman is wont to speak
+with a vague pity as belonging to "some line regiment," are not apt to
+sympathise with him in this exalted estimate of his military position
+and functions. They are accustomed to urge, that he is to the general
+body of officers as gold lace is to the uniform he wears, a gaudy
+ornament fashioned for show and useless for the practical work of the
+military profession. Doubtless "these are the forgeries of jealousy,"
+or, if true at all, they are true only for that limited period of the
+Guardsman's existence, during which he pays more attention to his own
+dressing than to that of his men, and imagines that the serious objects
+of life are attained when he has raised the height of his collar by half
+an inch, or invented a new fashion of transfixing a silk scarf with a
+diamond pin. In fact it is during the first flush of his youth that he
+displays those characteristics which have specialised the Guardsman
+amongst the golden lads who afterwards come to the dust of middle-age
+and a colonelcy.</p>
+
+<p>It is by no means necessary that the Young Guardsman should enjoy an
+aristocratic parentage, provided it be a wealthy one; nor is it
+essential that he should have made his mark at school as a scholar, an
+athlete, or a social success. Indeed, nothing is more common than to
+hear a former school-fellow express himself in terms of derisive
+amazement when he is informed that So-and-So is now in the Guards.
+"What, <i>that</i> scug?" he will observe with immeasurable contempt, and
+will proceed to express his surprise how one who neither played cricket,
+nor football, nor rowed to any purpose can possibly add distinction to
+Her Majesty's Brigade of Guards. These observations, it should be said,
+however disrespectful they may be towards a particular individual,
+undoubtedly show a strong feeling of veneration for the repute of the
+Guards in general. It must be added too that on his side the Young
+Guardsman is not slow to repay, and in doing so to aggravate, the
+contempt of the burly athlete who may have kicked him at school, and
+towards whom he now assumes a lordly air of irritating patronage hardly
+endurable, but not easily to be resented, by one who feels it to be
+totally unwarranted.</p>
+
+<p>The Guardsman, then, will have passed through school without emerging in
+any way from the common ruck of ordinary boys. He will have left at a
+comparatively early age in order that his education may no longer be
+neglected, and will have betaken himself to the fostering care of one of
+the numerous establishments which exist to prove that the private coach
+<i>Codlin</i> is superior to the public school <i>Short</i>. Hence, if his
+abilities are exceptionally brilliant, he will have passed into
+Sandhurst. Failing this, however, the Militia is a refuge and a
+stepping-stone. In any case he will find himself in due time the owner
+of Her Majesty's Commission and the largest head-dress in the British
+Army. In short he will become a Guardsman in full bloom.</p>
+
+<p>And now he begins to reap a plentiful harvest of easy social
+distinctions, in the sowing of which he himself has borne no part. He
+may be, though to be sure he is not always, the feeblest and most vapid
+of created beings, but he will be none the less courted and flattered by
+the numerous band who fix their eyes and their hearts on social position
+without any regard to the particular atom of humanity by which it may
+chance to be filled. Hostesses shower invitations upon him, he slides
+easily into the membership of many Clubs both social and sporting,
+tradesmen and money-lenders solicit with humility the supreme honour of
+being his creditors, and all the world, as he counts it, smiles upon him
+and is ready to make much of him. A man would require to be made of
+exceptionally stern stuff not to yield to many of the temptations thus
+spread before him, and the Young Guardsman, although he is as martial as
+the occasional wearing of his uniform can make him, is by no means
+stern. He yields, however, with an admirable grace, and although his
+nationality and his profession both forbid him to display an excess of
+enthusiasm, it may be said of him that he tolerates his pleasures and
+does not despise the amusements for which a musketry course at Hythe or
+an occasional encampment at Pirbright seems to give him an additional
+zest.</p>
+
+<p>He is often to be seen at dances, and although he does not dance much
+and is not much of a dancer, it is impossible to complain of any lack of
+vigour in his steps as he tears round the room with his partner in
+double-quick time. Having done this he will descend to supper with a
+young married lady whom he is temporarily honouring with his attentions,
+and will impress her with the maturity of his views of the world. He
+will hint to her that, after all, there is more to be said for <i>Don
+Juan</i> than is commonly supposed, and that "by Gad, a feller who chucks
+away his chances when there are no end of 'em runnin' after him is a
+fool dontcherknow, and you may tell 'em I said so." After he has
+imparted this information he will re-conduct her upstairs, and will then
+leave in a hansom preceded by a tall cigar, for which he has paid
+half-a-crown.</p>
+
+<p>At Maidenhead, too, on Sundays during the summer the Young Guardsman is
+a conspicuous object. Robed in spotless flannels, with the Brigade
+Colours round his straw hat and his neck, he may be seen propelling a
+punt with much perseverance and some accuracy to Boulter's Lock and
+back. Afterwards he will dine with the comfortable conviction that he
+has had very violent exercise.</p>
+
+<p>Of the Young Guardsman's dress much might be said. It is spotless and
+careful and is evidently the result of deep thought. Yet, if a fault may
+be hinted, it errs like his cigar on the side of exaggeration. A
+frock-coat should fit well, but his is too tight. Fashion no doubt
+demands that in the daytime a cascade of silk or satin should pour
+itself into a lake of shirt-front, but the cascade need not be a Niagara
+nor the lake an Ontario. It is true of course that at night no young man
+who respects himself and values the opinion of his friends would dream
+of wearing a white tie of any but the butterfly pattern. Still there are
+butterflies and butterflies, and the Young Guardsman's model would seem
+to be rather one of the huge tropical varieties than any known to our
+northern climate. These, however, are but trifling defects which
+scarcely detract from the shining and ornamental completeness of his
+appearance.</p>
+
+<p>It is remarkable how readily the Young Guardsman imagines himself to be
+an adept in the mysteries of the turf. With a light heart and a heavy
+betting-book he faces the hoary sinners who lay the odds. Nor is it
+until he has lost more money than his father can well afford that he
+discovers that the raw inexperience even of a Young Guardsman is
+unequally matched against the cool head, and the long purse, of the
+professional book-maker. In vain does he call in the aid of the venal
+tipster. The result is always the same, and he returns home from every
+race-meeting without ever, to use his own phrase, "getting home" at all.
+Indeed, if they may be believed, the subalterns of "the Brigade" never
+vary from a condition which they always describe as stony-broke.</p>
+
+<p>A little later in his career the Young Guardsman will find himself
+temporarily on the staff of a General appointed to command a force of
+Volunteers during some Easter man&oelig;uvres. He will wear a white belt,
+the frock-coat of his undress uniform and a cocked hat, and will believe
+himself to be a Staff officer. He will perform his duties not without
+efficiency, but will scarcely take enough trouble to remove from the
+minds of the Volunteers to whom he issues orders, that idea of patronage
+which is to a rightly constituted Volunteer what a red rag is said to be
+to a bull. Soon after this, a war having broken out in Africa, he will
+volunteer for active service and will be accepted. Being after all a
+young man of pluck and spirit, he will pass with distinction through the
+hardships and dangers of the campaign. Amid the stern realities of the
+bivouac and the battlefield his swagger and his affectations will
+vanish. Returning home in this altered condition it is as likely as not
+that he will marry, and having served his Queen with solid credit for
+many years, will eventually retire with the rank of General and the
+well-earned respect of all who know him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE LAST OF THE BACILLI.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Feuilleton of the "Medical Record," April, 1900.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>In a gloomy and inaccessible cavity, situated in the diaphragm of the
+human body in which he had made his home, stood the last of the Bacilli.
+His friends and his brothers, the companions of his innocent childhood,
+the associates of his boyish days, his fellow-adventurers in manhood's
+prime&mdash;all, all had perished. Some had been ruthlessly hunted down by a
+skilled body of German assassins; others had died under the cruel
+attacks of the pestilent Frenchman. The Cholera Bacillus, the king of
+them all, was the first to fall; typhoid and typhus, small-pox and
+measles, fits of convulsions or of sneezing, coughs and catarrhs, had
+all been deprived of Bacilli and slain. The Wart Bacillus had fought
+hard and maintained himself for a long time on a precarious footing of
+fingers and thumbs; but he too had been extirpated. The Thirst Bacillus
+had given up the ghost yesterday, after keeping up for years a guerilla
+warfare disguised<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> either as a green rat or a striped snake. And now the
+mighty Hunger Bacillus stood alone, gloomy and defiant. But he knew his
+hour had come. "Better death," he shouted, "than the microscope!" and
+with these words drew his sword and dashed forth into the darkness.
+There was a yell, followed by the sound of steel beaten against steel,
+then a blood-curdling gurgle, and all grew still.</p>
+
+<p>"He was a gallant scoundrel, but my quick <i>riposte</i> confused him,"
+observed Signor <span class="smcap">Succi</span>, who entered the apartment, wiping his blade on
+the advertisement of a new beef-essence, and taking copious draughts of
+his elixir.</p>
+
+<p>Thus died, as he had lived, dismal, desperate, degraded, the Hunger
+Bacillus, the last of his race.</p>
+
+<center>(<i>From another Column of the same Paper.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>We rejoice to hear that the Act for making Succination compulsory is to
+be energetically enforced. Public Succinators have now been appointed to
+every district, and every parent omitting to have the operation
+performed upon his infant within two months after birth is to be
+rigorously prosecuted. Henceforth, as we may remind our readers, anybody
+"complaining of hunger shall be liable on conviction to be imprisoned
+for not less than six calendar months, with or without hard labour." We
+quote the words of clause 3 of the Act.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ALLOWED TO STARVE.</h2>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+
+<tr>
+<td><div class="figleft" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/221a.png">
+<img src="images/221a.png" width="100%" alt="The Successful Fasting-Man" /></a>
+</div></td><td><div class="figright" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/221b.png">
+<img src="images/221b.png" width="100%" alt="One of the Six Hundred" /></a>
+</div></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><h4><span class="smcap">The Successful Fasting-Man.</span></h4></td><td><h4><span class="smcap">One of the Six Hundred!!!</span></h4></td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">James Payn</span> has the peculiar gift of writing a novel as if he were
+telling you a story <i>viv&acirc; voce</i> and interesting you in it, not only by
+reason of its plot, but also by his way of narrating it. There is a
+spontaneity about his style which to the Baron is most refreshing: it is
+like listening to two clever men, one of whom is telling the story, and
+the other is enlivening it with his sharp and appropriate comments,
+always dropped in parenthetically. Mr. <span class="smcap">Payn</span> is a good hand at keeping a
+secret, and it is not for the <span class="smcap">Baron de B. W.</span> to tell beforehand what the
+novelist keeps as a little bit up his sleeve till the last moment. Why
+call it <i>The Burnt Million</i>? To what tremendous conflagration involving
+such a fearful loss of life does the title point? The story will
+interest the Million and delight Thousands. Excellent as is the dialogue
+generally, the Baron ventures to doubt whether any ordinary person (and
+no one of these characters is a genius) ever begins a sentence with
+"Nay." Anent <i>The Burnt Million</i>, the Baron's advice to persons in
+search of a novel is, "<i>Tolle, lege!</i>" Also the Baron says, get <i>La
+Revue de Famille</i> at <span class="smcap">Hachette</span>'s. <i>Un Foyer de Th&eacute;&acirc;tre</i>, by M. <span class="smcap">Audebrand</span>,
+for all interested in the history of the French Drama, is delightful
+reading. Don't miss <i>Causerie Litt&eacute;raire</i>, by Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Benoist</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The Baroness says, read "Poor Mr. Carrington" in <i>Temple Bar</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lippincott's Magazine</i> this month is heartily welcome,&mdash;we should say,
+<span class="smcap">Bret Harte</span>-ily welcome. Capital story, by B. H., "A Sappho of Green
+Sprigs."</p>
+
+<p class="regards">(<i>Signed</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Baron de Book Worms &amp; Co.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ODDS ON THE BEDMAKERS.</h2>
+
+<center>[A proposal for the abolition of Bedmakers is being discussed in
+Cambridge.]</center><br />
+
+<center><i>Chorus of Undergraduates:&mdash;</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There are things we could spare; we could watch without weeping</p>
+<p class="i2">A Tutor's extinction, a Dean's disappearance.</p>
+<p class="i0">And Professors who drone while their pupils are sleeping,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though they went at a loss, we should welcome the clearance.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And Proctors who blandly demand six-and-eightpence,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, while toiling themselves, send all petticoats spinning;</p>
+<p class="i0">And Porters who tick off our names for our gate-pence;</p>
+<p class="i2">And Bull-dogs who help to withhold us from sinning.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And the juvenile Don who thinks "Dons should be firmer,"</p>
+<p class="i2">And the elderly Don who is painfully nervous&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">We could see them depart without even a murmur,</p>
+<p class="i2">So our Bedmakers stay to amuse and to serve us.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">We have watched, while we trembled, the pomps and the maces,</p>
+<p class="i2">Stern emblems of rule, with the Esquire Bedell come;</p>
+<p class="i0">We have heard of the Senate, its edicts and graces,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Take the lot, if you like, you may have them and welcome.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But the "Bedder"? No, no. Come, we offer a wager:</p>
+<p class="i2">We will bet she survives who of beds is the maker!</p>
+<p class="i0">Any answer? Not one; for, in spite of her age, her</p>
+<p class="i2">Attractions are such that there isn't a taker.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Measures and Men.</span>&mdash;M. <span class="smcap">Jacques Bertillon</span> has been lecturing before the
+Anthropological Society&mdash;(the only Society where <i>anthropoi</i> are
+logical)&mdash;on his method of "identifying criminals by comparing their
+measures with those of convicted prisoners on the prison registers."
+Ahem! How about novel Home Rule Measures compared with those of past
+Kilmainhamites?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/222.png">
+<img src="images/222.png" width="100%" alt="THE QUEEN&#39;S SERVICE" /></a>
+<h4>THE QUEEN'S SERVICE.</h4>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I see your Servants wear Cockades now, Miss Shoddson.</span>"</p>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Yes. Pa's just become a Member of the Army and Navy Stores.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>L'ENFANT TERRIBLE!</h2>
+
+<center><i>Chorus of Passengers, expostulating:&mdash;</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Stop, <span class="smcap">William</span>, stop! Your game is not a game <i>we</i> can enjoy!</p>
+<p class="i0">Your father's son should not thus play the Little Vulgar Boy!</p>
+<p class="i0">This is not Margate, <span class="smcap">William</span> mine, and ours is not a crew</p>
+<p class="i0">Of ordinary trippers, packed aboard the <i>Lively Loo</i></p>
+<p class="i0">For a shillingsworth of suffering on a wild and wobbling sea.</p>
+<p class="i0">Stop, <span class="smcap">William</span>! You'll upset the boat! Why can't you let it be?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Our boat has braved a many storms. It's old and may be crank;</p>
+<p class="i0">But though it sometimes sprang a leak, it never wholly sank.</p>
+<p class="i0">We are not packed so close to-day as we have oft been packed.</p>
+<p class="i0">Against some stiffer gales than this we've weathered and we've tacked;</p>
+<p class="i0">But, <span class="smcap">William</span>, though our craft tossed wild, though loud the winds have roared,</p>
+<p class="i0">We've never, never had so bad a boy as <i>you</i> on board!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Sit down, now do, you pickle, you! Don't dance upon that thwart,</p>
+<p class="i0">And see-saw in that sort of way. We want to get to port,</p>
+<p class="i0">Not Davy Jones's Locker, Sir. "These roarers" are wild things,</p>
+<p class="i0">As <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> in <i>The Tempest</i> says, and do not care for Kings;</p>
+<p class="i0">To keep them down and bale them out has always been our aim;</p>
+<p class="i0">But you, you just play larks with them. What <i>is</i> your little game?</p>
+<p class="i0">You, young, the latest chap on board, but of a sound old stock</p>
+<p class="i0">Of Royal navigators, do you think it right to mock</p>
+<p class="i0">All nautical traditions in this reckless kind of way,</p>
+<p class="i0">And greet these waves, as <span class="smcap">Byron</span> did, as though with them you'd <i>play</i>?</p>
+<p class="i0">They're dangerous playfellows, boy; tiger-cubs hardly in it</p>
+<p class="i0">For riskiness! I say, do stop! You'll swamp us in a minute.</p>
+<p class="i0">Look at your Crown! Such head-gear, boy, is seldom a tight fit,</p>
+<p class="i0">And oscillations sometimes act as Notices to Quit!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">What would your grandfather have said to see you sway and prance?</p>
+<p class="i0">Sit still, lad, you alarm us all. Just look at Madame <span class="smcap">France</span>!</p>
+<p class="i0">She's thought a fairish sailor, and has doffed her Crown, but see,</p>
+<p class="i0">She's clutching at the gunwale, too, as nervous as can be.</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst, as for dear Se&ntilde;ora <span class="smcap">Spain</span> and her poor little charge,</p>
+<p class="i0">I guess she wishes this same tub were <span class="smcap">Cleopatra</span>'s barge,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or something broad and beamy that won't easily capsize.</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Austria</span>'s staring with a look of agonized surprise.</p>
+<p class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Italy</span>'s dumfoundered. Sit down, boy! you're tempting fate.</p>
+<p class="i0">These days are trying ones, for <i>us</i>, 'tis worse than Forty-Eight.</p>
+<p class="i0">Then there were winds and whirlpools, but no Socialistic Sea</p>
+<p class="i0">Sweeping all shores, and threatening International anarchy.</p>
+<p class="i0">And with <i>its</i> waves you're wantoning, and wobbling up and down,</p>
+<p class="i0">Indifferent to our stomachs,&mdash;as regardless of your Crown.</p>
+<p class="i0">Upon my honour it's too bad. <i>Noblesse oblige</i>, you know,</p>
+<p class="i0">'Tis not a Hohenzollern we'd expect to serve us so.</p>
+<p class="i0">You've sacked our safest Pilot, who objected to your pranks,</p>
+<p class="i0">And now you are coquetting with mad mutiny in the ranks,</p>
+<p class="i0">Eh? You'll suppress it when you please, you'll smash up all your foes?</p>
+<p class="i0">'Tis a new game, for Royalty, and risky, goodness knows.</p>
+<p class="i0">Meanwhile, <i>don't</i> sway the boat like that, into the sea you'll fall;</p>
+<p class="i0">Or, what's more likely, just capsize the craft and drown us all!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/223.png">
+<img src="images/223.png" width="100%" alt="L&#39;ENFANT TERRIBLE" /></a>
+<h4>L'ENFANT TERRIBLE!</h4>
+<p><span class="smcap">Chorus in the Stern.</span> "DON'T GO ON LIKE THAT&mdash;OR YOU'LL UPSET US ALL!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.</h2>
+
+<p>Exceptionally good in food for body and mind. "First person present in
+indicative mood" is Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick</span>, the courteous President, pointing out
+to Royal Highnesses the beauties of Burlington House. Stars, ribands,
+and garters everywhere. Exceptionally distinguished personages come in
+with invitations only, and no orders. Pretty to see Cardinal <span class="smcap">Manning</span>'s
+bright scarlet scull-cap, quite eclipsing <span class="smcap">Rustem Pasha</span>'s fez. Cardinal
+distinctly observed to smile during <span class="smcap">Markiss</span>'s humorous observations.
+"<span class="smcap">Markiss</span> is ready," sounds like twin phrase to "Barkis is willin'."
+H.R.H.'s speech shorter than ever. Wonderful, too, how eloquent Sir
+<span class="smcap">Frederick</span> contrives to spread fresh butter on dry old toasts, so that
+everyone relishes them as choice morsels. All speeches shorter, except
+Admiralty Lord's, who, being among portrait-painters, goes in for
+figures. But where is&mdash;"Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, I presume?" Not here. Invited, but
+perhaps exploring neighbourhood, and unable to discover Burlington
+House. Altogether an exceptionally brilliant evening.</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/225.png">
+<img src="images/225.png" width="100%" alt="AT A HORSE FAIR" /></a>
+<h4>AT A HORSE FAIR.</h4>
+<p>Dealer. "<span class="smcap">Now, Guv'nor, say you'll 'ave 'im for Thirty-five Bob. You
+can't get a good sound young 'Oss like 'im for less!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO THE NEW SCRIBE AND POET.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>O Ruddier than the Cherry!</i>"</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O <span class="smcap">Rudyard</span>, in this sherry,</p>
+<p class="i0">I drink your very, very</p>
+<p class="i6">Good health. I would</p>
+<p class="i6">That write I could</p>
+<p class="i0">Like <span class="smcap">Kipling</span>, sad or merry.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="regards">(<i>Signed)</i></p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Invidius Naso.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE NELL OF CHELSEA.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Legend of the Opening of the Royal Military Exhibition.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>The Lady got out of her picture in the Morning Room, and glanced at
+herself in the Club glass. She had been painted by Sir <span class="smcap">Peter Lely</span>, and
+consequently was scarcely in a costume suitable to a May Day at the
+close of the Nineteenth Century.</p>
+
+<p>"I' faith," said the Lady, "but I must get me a cloak to cover me,
+otherwise I shall have a crowd a following me."</p>
+
+<p>It will be seen from this observation that, although the Lady had
+flourished (very considerably) in the time of <span class="smcap">Charles the Second</span>, she
+had not kept up her Carolian English. It is possible that the chit-chat
+under her frame by the fire-place had corrupted the purity of her&mdash;to an
+antiquary&mdash;interesting lingo. Be this as it may, she glided down the
+large and handsome staircase, and selecting the furred and hooded coat
+of a member who had just returned from abroad, annexed it.</p>
+
+<p>"This will do nicely," she murmured; "quite the mode," a remark which
+proved that she had seen no fashion-plates lying on the Club table, and,
+therefore, was entirely ignorant of the modern mysteries of ladies'
+dress. However, she passed in the crowd&mdash;partly because no one appeared
+to notice her. A Lady from a portrait by Sir <span class="smcap">Peter Lely</span> without her
+frame and background, after all, is rather a shadowy creation.</p>
+
+<p>When she had turned from Garrick Street into St. Martin's Lane, she
+looked about her in surprise. What had been fields when she was in the
+flesh were now sites of houses. She glided along, perplexed to a degree,
+until she got to Charing Cross; then she recognised the statue of
+<span class="smcap">Charles the First</span>, and what was standing of White Hall.</p>
+
+<p>"By my troth, this is not an improvement! Houses, houses, nothing but
+houses! I will e'en take the water to Chelsea, and see the hospital I
+persuaded <span class="smcap">Rowley</span> to give to his poor soldiers. There should be some
+stairs hereabouts."</p>
+
+<p>But if the Lady did not find stairs, she came across a landing-stage.
+She got on to the Westminster Pier, and was soon aboard one of the best
+vessels of the Victoria Steamboat Association, Limited. Within half an
+hour or so she was landed opposite the building it had been her
+privilege to secure for the benefit of the British Army. The place was
+brave with bunting. There were enormous sheds full of battle pictures
+and portraits, and in the grounds was an arena suitable for the holding
+of military sports. Then there was a huge band-stand, and the electric
+light was laid on with great liberality in the gardens.</p>
+
+<p>"Gad'sooks!" exclaimed the Lady of the Picture; "and what are they doing
+in the precincts of Chelsea Hospital?"</p>
+
+<p>She was immediately supplied with information. A Military Exhibition was
+being held in aid of the Church of England Institutes&mdash;establishments
+(so she was told) of a strictly unsectarian character. The
+entertainments would be of a most popular character,&mdash;weather
+permitting, <i>al fresco</i>. The commissariat would be excellent. In one
+place only temperance beverages would be served, but elsewhere there
+would be&mdash;well&mdash;there would be drinks. At that very moment the
+Exhibition was being opened by the Most Illustrious Gentleman in the
+Land accompanied by H.R.H.'s most charming and most beautiful partner.
+Would the Lady like to see the place?</p>
+
+<p>"Another time," she replied. "Stay, I would like to see myself. Have you
+a picture of me? I am Mistress <span class="smcap">Nellie Gwynne</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Her courteous informant bowed, and shook his head. He had heard it
+suggested at the inaugural lunch that she should be represented, but
+there were so many things to do&mdash;the Military Sports, the eating and
+drinking, the Royal Patronage, and the Church of England
+Institutes,&mdash;that, in point of fact, the matter had been overlooked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, never mind," said good-natured <span class="smcap">Nellie</span>, "I daresay you will get on
+very well without me. But look to this, my master. Here we are very near
+the site of old Cremorne, and a part of the grounds over yonder is
+called Ranelagh. You have lights and bands, and subtle beverages, some
+of which will cheer but not inebriate,&mdash;and others that may possibly
+reverse the operation. Well, well, my portrait is not in your
+collection,&mdash;the best I can wish you is that you may keep your night
+<i>f&ecirc;tes</i> as select as your picture-gallery."</p>
+
+<p>And with this the Lady returned to her frame beside the fire-place in
+the Club Morning Room.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"NUTS" FOR THE COAL TRADE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[Under the 29th Section of the Weights and Measures Act "the person
+in charge of the vehicle," when coal-frauds are perpetrated, seems
+to be alone punishable.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Not a sack was full, not a weight was true,</p>
+<p class="i2">As the coals to their cellar we hurried;</p>
+<p class="i0">Not an eye could see were they many or few</p>
+<p class="i2">In the crypt where our cobbles we buried.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">We buried them gaily, at luncheon time,</p>
+<p class="i2">All Acts of Parliament spurning;</p>
+<p class="i0">There were "Kitchens," composed of slate and slime,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Wallsend, "dimly burning."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">No fussing servants surveyed our cart&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">(If they had, we'd have kept them shivering)</p>
+<p class="i0">&mdash;They were busy serving the family tart</p>
+<p class="i2">At our chosen hour for delivering!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Few and brief the remarks we made;</p>
+<p class="i2">Not of coals, but of beer, we chattered;</p>
+<p class="i0">And we thought of the tricks of an opulent trade</p>
+<p class="i2">As the coal-dust we liberally scattered.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">We thought of our "dealer," our wealthy boss,</p>
+<p class="i2">How he's spared by the law just created;</p>
+<p class="i0">How we carmen are made to suffer the loss</p>
+<p class="i2">When for fraud by a Court we are "slated."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Lightly they'll talk of his "ha'porth of sack,"</p>
+<p class="i2">On his weights make unhandsome reflection;</p>
+<p class="i0">But little he'll reck, as fines fall on our back,</p>
+<p class="i2">And <i>he's</i> "doubly-screened" from detection!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But half of our "heavy task" was done</p>
+<p class="i2">When a spy of the Council&mdash;drat it!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Came pushing his nose in our sacks, every one,</p>
+<p class="i2">Tried our weights, and our bill&mdash;looked at it!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Slowly and sadly we slunk out of sight,</p>
+<p class="i2">Objecting to get into hobbles;</p>
+<p class="i0">We breathed no farewell, and we said no good-night,</p>
+<p class="i2">But we left him alone with the cobbles!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Last Report.</span>&mdash;The Dean and Chapter of Westminster have discharged a
+Canon. No one was seriously injured.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.&mdash;No. 1. ROYAL ACADEMY.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/226a.png">
+<img src="images/226a.png" width="100%" alt="Tally Ho Ho Ho" /></a><br /><br />
+<span class="caption">No. 1004. Tally Ho Ho Ho! Going over a Ha! Ha! Ha! Quite
+the picture of the year, and will probably be presented by subscription
+to Colney Hatch, Esq., Master of the Hanwell Hounds.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/226b.png">
+<img src="images/226b.png" width="100%" alt="The Determined Bather" /></a>
+<span class="caption">No. 243. The Determined Bather. Temperature so cold that
+drapery is frozen.</span>
+</div>
+
+<br /><br />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 35%">
+<a href="images/226c.png">
+<img src="images/226c.png" width="100%" alt="Curiosity in Animal Life" /></a><br /><br />
+<span class="caption">No. 110. Curiosity in Animal Life. Escaped from
+Barnum's.</span>
+</div>
+
+<br /><br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/226d.png">
+<img src="images/226d.png" width="100%" alt="Advertisement" /></a><br /><br />
+<span class="caption">No. 437. Advertisement for Provincial Tour of Griffiths
+Brothers as "The Blondin Donkey."</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>No. 5. The First Storey in the Royal Academy Annual is entitled, <i>The
+Hungry Messenger</i>. Good <span class="smcap">Storey</span>.</p>
+
+<p>No. 44. Never put off till to <span class="smcap">Moro Phillips</span> what you can put on to-day.
+Illustration of an elderly Blue-coat Boy unable to leave off an old
+habit.</p>
+
+<p>No. 53, with No. 98 and No. 91. Ought to have been hung together,
+portraits "<i>en soot</i>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 202. <i>Ethereal Football.</i></p>
+
+<p>No. 224. <i>Boy and Dog.</i> <span class="smcap">Briton Rivi&egrave;re</span>, R.A. Dog unmuzzled, boy hears
+policeman's footstep.</p>
+
+<p>No. 235. "<i>Every dog has his Washing-day.</i>" Pet just been cleaned and
+brought into drawing-room. Doubtful reception by Papa and other sisters.
+Hardly up to the usual form of <span class="smcap">W. Q. Orchardson</span>, R.A.</p>
+
+<p>No. 292. Mr. <span class="smcap">Phil. A. Morris</span>, A. calls this "<i>La Belle Am&eacute;ricaine</i>." Is
+she? The tone of this belle is rather loud.</p>
+
+<p>No. 303. A wonderful picture and portrait, by <span class="smcap">Luke Fildes</span>, R.A. "<span class="smcap">Luke</span> on
+this picture and on&mdash;&mdash;" any other portrait, and you'll find this hard
+to beat. Wealth of colour, colour of wealth, <i>affaire de Luke's</i>.</p>
+
+<p>No. 318. <i>Major E. R. Burke.</i> Admirable portrait, by <span class="smcap">Hubert Herkomer</span>, A.
+See how the Master of Bushey has dealt with the Hair! As might be
+expected from a Hair-comber with a brush in his hand. Will be remembered
+as "<i>Burke and Hair</i>."</p>
+<p>You'll say this <i>as soon</i> as you see it. <span class="smcap">Hubert Herkomer</span>, A(ngcore).</p>
+
+<p>No. 411. <i>Mrs. Arthur Sassoon.</i> Charming. Sweet simplicity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/227a.png">
+<img src="images/227a.png" width="100%" alt="Scene at Dollis Hill" /></a><br /><br />
+<p>No. 361. Scene at Dollis Hill</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>No. 463. <i>Sir Oscar Clayton, C.M.E.</i> Bravo Mr. F. <span class="smcap">Goodall</span>, R.A. Good
+entirely. Artist was thinking of adapting refrain of popular comic song,
+"<i>Ask a P'liceman</i>," and writing under portrait legend&mdash;</p>
+<center>If you want to know who's this,&mdash;<br />
+"<span class="smcap">Oscar Clayton.</span>"</center>
+
+<p>But it was unnecessary, as the portrait speaks for itself.</p>
+
+<p>No. 473. <i>D-T-erioration;</i> or, Sir <span class="smcap">Edwin Arnold</span>, K.C.S.I., commencing as
+a book-maker, and laying "two to one bar one." "<span class="smcap">Arnold's</span> first exercise"
+in this character is depicted by <span class="smcap">James Archer</span>.</p>
+
+<p>No. 600. <i>Tum-Tum The Melancholy</i>, By <span class="smcap">Joseph Mordecai</span>. Is <span class="smcap">Haman</span> hung
+too?</p>
+
+<p>No. 703. "<i>Nobody looking, Mother, You can prig something out of the
+Money-box.</i>" But the vigilant Verger has his eye on them. Such is the
+story told by <span class="smcap">Blandford Fletcher</span>.</p>
+
+<p>No. 744. Coming home late in the Olden Time. By <span class="smcap">Ralph Hedley</span>. No
+latch-key. Rousing the neighbourhood with pantomime door-knocker.
+Situation graphically depicted.</p>
+
+<p>No. 759. <i>By the Linn Pool.</i> By <span class="smcap">Noble</span>. Charming. Must be of course;
+<i>Noblesse oblige</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/227b.png">
+<img src="images/227b.png" width="100%" alt="Primrose Dames" /></a><br /><br />
+<center>No. 487. Primrose Dames.</center>
+</div>
+
+<p>No. 794. "<i>Out shooting.</i>" Very much out, shooting. Nothing to <span class="smcap">Crowe</span>
+about.</p>
+
+<p>No. 886. <i>A Smile.</i> Delightful. This Miss is as good as her smile. <span class="smcap">Jan
+van Beers.</span></p>
+
+<p>No. 1028. "<i>Please to remember the Ninth of November.</i>" Lord Mayor's
+Procession stopped by photographer. "Now, then&mdash;wait&mdash;where you
+are&mdash;when I say three!" And as they were taken, so they are cleverly
+represented by <span class="smcap">William Logsdail.</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/227c.png">
+<img src="images/227c.png" width="100%" alt="Mrs. Jack-in-the-Green" /></a>
+<span class="caption">No. 652. Mrs. Jack-in-the-Green. Tree-mendous!</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 28.</i>&mdash;Irish Land Purchase Bill again.
+<span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> lifts debate out of somewhat tedious trough into which it
+had fallen. Remarkable speech; bold in conception; adroit in
+arrangement; forcible in argument; lucid in exposition. Spoke for over
+an hour, and though his discourse, full of intricate points, the
+marshalling of which was frequently interrupted by angry or scornful
+cries from below Gangway, <span class="smcap">Joseph</span> had not a scrap of paper in his hand,
+did not once refer to a note.</p>
+
+<p>"Admirable," said <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span>, looking on with appreciative, though not
+loving eyes. "If he had lived in the time of his father <span class="smcap">Jacob</span>, it would
+have been no use his brothers putting him in the pit; he would have
+argued himself clean out before they were half a mile on their way back
+to the family place in Canaan. Weak part of his position is that he is
+trying to serve two Bills, <span class="smcap">Balfour's</span> and <span class="smcap">Parnell's</span>. Can't recommend
+<span class="smcap">Balfour's</span> scheme without belittling <span class="smcap">Parnell's</span>; same thing other way
+about. Reminds me, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, of a passage in <span class="smcap">Wordsworth's</span> prose writings;
+not so much read as his poetry; but daresay you remember it. There was a
+Bishop <span class="smcap">Watson</span> who began his official career as a Liberal. He was
+frightened into Conservatism, and <span class="smcap">Wordsworth</span>, then a hot young youth,
+goes for him as youth does sometimes gird at Respectability. 'Upon what
+principle,' he asked the Bishop, 'is your conduct to be explained? In
+some parts of England it is quaintly said when a drunken man is seen
+reeling home, that he has business on both sides of the road. Observing
+your Lordship's tortuous path, the spectators will be far from
+insinuating that you have partaken of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourke's</span> intoxicating bowl.
+They will content themselves, shaking their heads as you stagger along,
+with saying that you have business on both sides of the road.' That's
+what's the matter with <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>. He's very smart, very clever, very
+capable; but in politics, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, no one ever succeeds who has
+business on both sides of the road."</p>
+
+<p>"What do <i>you</i> think?" I asked <span class="smcap">Christopher Sykes</span>, who stood looking on
+with familiar aspect of unutterable wisdom.</p>
+
+<p>"I wasn't thinking of that at all," he answered, gloomily. "Haven't yet
+got over what <span class="smcap">George Lewis</span> said in Court on Saturday. You've heard or
+read about it, of course? Took opportunity of observing, that though I
+was near sixty years of age, I was very innocent. I may be getting on
+for sixty, but I'll tell you what, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, I'm not nearly so innocent as I
+look."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Christopher</span> really hurt with <span class="smcap">George Lewis's</span> aspersion. Comforted him by
+hinting that I knew some dreadful things about him.</p>
+
+<p>"We remember your Crabs and Lobsters Bill," I said, soothingly. "There
+was much more in that than met the eye. You're a crafty old <span class="smcap">Christopher</span>;
+just the sort of man to take in a fellow like <span class="smcap">George Lewis</span>, who thinks
+he knows everything."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Christopher</span> smiled a deep and wicked smile, and strode off in better
+spirits. Always like to say a kind word to a man when I can.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Land Purchase Bill again.</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/228.png">
+<img src="images/228.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;m not nearly so innocent as I look" /></a>
+<p>"I'm not nearly so innocent as I look."</p>
+</div>
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Fight on Land Purchase Bill been going forward again at
+Morning Sitting; rather dull, though enlivened by speech from <span class="smcap">Plunket</span>,
+who once more reminded House how much it loses by his habitual silence.
+At Evening Sitting <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span> came on with his Licensing Bill. Let eager
+politicians and ambitious statesmen arm themselves for combat in the
+field of high politics; <span class="smcap">Grandolph's</span> only desire is to do a little good
+in the world whilst yet he lingers on this level. Nothing new in crusade
+against drink. No <i>kudos</i> to be gained; no acclaim of the multitude to
+ring in the pleased ear; no cheering clash of party conflict. <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span>
+gives a deprecating twirl to his modest moustache, and takes up his
+homely parable. Possibly he does this with the larger content, since he
+had his go at the Land Purchase Bill before Debate on Second Reading
+opened. His letters, published on eve of Easter recess, hurtled
+pleasantly around the heads of his esteemed friends on Treasury Bench.
+Could not say anything more or anything better if he joined in debate;
+so sits silent through Morning Sitting, and when the shades of evening
+fall, he meekly lifts up his voice, expounding a measure of domestic
+legislation fraught with permanent interest to the masses.</p>
+
+<p>"A most promising member of the Band of Hope," says <span class="smcap">Wilfred Lawson</span>,
+regarding <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span> with fatherly kindness. "Wonder if I might ask him
+to crack a bottle of ginger-beer with me. Will certainly proffer the
+hospitality if I get a chance."</p>
+
+<p>The grand young <span class="smcap">Gardner</span> (<i>and</i> his wife; can complete quotation now)
+back again after wedding trip. Doesn't look quite so brisk as the
+average bridegroom. "Fact is, old fellow," he said, as I condoled with
+him, "when I said I would die a bachelor, I never thought I would live
+to be married, go off on a wedding trip, catch the influenza at
+Innsbruck, the measles at Milan, the scarlatina at Samarcand, and the
+malaria at Mentone."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Morning Sitting, Irish Land Purchase Bill; Evening,
+<span class="smcap">Grandolph's</span> Licensing Bill read First Time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Ordinarily amicable proceedings in debate on Irish Land
+Purchase Bill varied by accidental but unhappy circumstances. Prince
+<span class="smcap">Arthur</span> in course of speech happened to say, that "under Bill of 1886
+Irish Government was supposed to be a buffer between the English
+Government and the Irish tenant." Mr. G., sitting attentive, suddenly
+sprang up when this insult fell on his ear. Bill of 1886 not a tempting
+topic; led to downfall of his Ministry; but to hear it publicly called a
+"buffer," more than he could stand&mdash;or, rather, sit. Leaped to feet,
+and, with thrilling energy, repudiated gross imputation. Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>
+taken aback; hadn't meant anything particular. To call a thing or a
+person a buffer not necessarily a term of opprobrium. Everything depends
+on inflection of tone. Suppose, now, leaning across the table, he had
+addressed Mr. G. as "old buffer," that would perhaps have been a little
+familiar, but not vindictive.</p>
+
+<p>This he tried to make clear. Having, as he thought, averted the thunder,
+repeated remarks about Bill of 1886 being a buffer. Didn't even put it
+in that direct form.</p>
+
+<p>"I said," he observed with seraphic smile and deferential manner, "that
+the Irish Government under the Right Hon. Gentleman's Bill was supposed
+to occupy the position, more or less, of a buffer between the English
+Government and the Irish tenant."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. G. up again with catapultic force and suddenness. "Not in the
+least," he angrily protested. "A buffer is between two things."</p>
+
+<p>Expected that would floor Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>; but he came back again, and
+sheltering himself behind the brass-bound box, called out, "Yes, but a
+buffer might be between two persons as well as between two things."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. G. angrily shook his head; a Jove-like frown mantled his
+countenance. But disdained to pursue controversy further, and Prince
+<span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, carefully avoiding further reference to buffers, went his way.
+Difference of opinion as to how question was left; Conservatives insist
+that Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> had best of it; Liberals stand by Mr. G. Many wonder
+why <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> did not interfere; as he did not, it is assumed that buffer
+is a Parliamentary word, at least when applied to inanimate creation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Heading of Irish Land Purchase Bill carried by
+348 Votes against 268.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Hartington</span> suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, blossomed
+into effective speech. Of all subjects in world was Disestablishment of
+Kirk in Scotland! Calculated to depress most people; brightened
+<span class="smcap">Hartington</span> up beyond all knowledge. His little hit at <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>,
+sheltering himself behind his (<span class="smcap">Hartington's</span>) familiar and convenient
+declaration, that on Disestablishment Question he would be guided by the
+opinion of the majority of the Scotch people, neatly and dexterously
+made. Also his reference to the short time when he had honour of being
+"at least the nominal Leader of the Liberal Party," and found Mr. G. a
+somewhat unruly follower. Most excellent. <span class="smcap">Hartington</span> should try this
+line again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Motion for Scotch Disestablishment negatived by 256
+Votes against 218.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, May 7.</i>&mdash;<i>Mr. Punch</i> out. Everybody's at home to <i>him</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday 9.</i>&mdash;Mrs. <span class="smcap">Duffer's</span> first dance if she knows the step.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday 10.</i>&mdash;Rehearsal of Crystal Palace fireworks, 2 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> Admission
+by entrance gates only.</p>
+
+<p><i>Monday 12.</i>&mdash;Breakfast to Mr. <span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley</span>, at whatever time he orders
+it.</p>
+
+<p>First Meet of H.S. Drags, Serpentine.</p>
+
+<p>Foot-ball in Rotten Row, by kind permission of <span class="smcap">George Ranger</span> and the
+Commissioner of Police.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Noodle's</span> second dance postponed, as she hasn't given her first yet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday 13.</i>&mdash;Holiday at Zoological Gardens. Cages all open. Admission
+free. Banquets, Excursions, and Alarums.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Henrietta Siskin's</span> Charity Dance has been postponed until the
+following week. A large and distinguished company is expected to grace
+the mezzotint hall of her ladyship's new mansion in Belgravia on the
+occasion. No expense is to be spared in the general decoration of the
+supper-room, which was built, it will be remembered, by her ladyship's
+great-grandfather in the reign of <span class="smcap">George the Third</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A Correspondent furnishes us with the following curious
+observations:&mdash;"I have noticed," he writes, "that those who walk or ride
+in the Park are, generally speaking, of two sexes, and possess, as a
+rule, four fingers and a thumb on each hand. By a curious freak of
+fashion, a frock-coat is not now worn with a muslin skirt; and a
+moustache may be sought for in vain under a sun-bonnet. Horses are
+ridden with four legs, and, in some cases, with a tail, although this is
+not essential."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It is strange to notice how much the tastes of theatre-goers vary at the
+present day. Some prefer the Haymarket, some the Strand, others flock to
+the Lyceum, and some are turned away from the Savoy, the Garrick, or the
+Avenue. Philosophers have, as yet, paid too little attention to this
+matter. Would Mr. <span class="smcap">Herbert Spencer</span> or Mr. <span class="smcap">Lang</span> oblige?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It has been calculated by the Society for the Collection of Domestic
+Data, that if three-fourths of the Cooks of the Metropolis struck work
+on any given day, exactly nine-twelfths of the resident employers of
+servants would be seriously inconvenienced.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>There is but very slight foundation for the report that, if <span class="smcap">Augustus
+Druriolanus</span> (first so styled in the burlesque on <i>Claudian</i>) should be
+elected to the Shrievalty, Messrs. <span class="smcap">Harry Nicholls</span> and <span class="smcap">Herbert Campbell</span>
+will be the Under-Sheriffs.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A Correspondent lately drew Mr. <span class="smcap">Gl-dst-ne's</span> attention to the prevalence
+of mud after rain, and the consequent injury to carts, collars, and
+carriages. The veteran Statesman has found time to send the following
+post-card reply, which will be perused with interest:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;The subject to which you direct my attention is no doubt of
+peculiar interest to those in any way connected with the vehicular
+traffic by which so much of the commerce and pleasure of the Metropolis
+is carried on. In view, however, of the pressing exigencies of the Irish
+Question, I cannot do more than take a note of your objections to
+mud-spots, leaving to those who may come after me the duty of dealing
+practically with your recommendations.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">I am, faithfully yours,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">W. E. Gl-dst-ne</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>On the evening when Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> dines with the Turners' Company, where
+he is entertained as a Re-Turner, it is hoped that the authorities of
+the National Gallery will kindly allow all their Turners to attend. The
+history of the Turners' Company is interesting, commencing as it does
+with <span class="smcap">Whittington</span>, who was the first person (before <span class="smcap">Henry Irving</span> played
+it) to hear <i>The Bells</i>, and to obey their injunction "to turn again."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%">
+<a href="images/228b.gif">
+<img src="images/228b.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<blockquote><p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
+Vol. 98, 1890.05.10, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, 1890.05.10, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, 1890.05.10
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: December 17, 2009 [EBook #30694]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MAY 10, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EIGHT HOURS ONLY.
+
+(_A Fancy Sketch of the Possible._)
+
+It was the first day under the operation of the new Act. Everyone was a
+little nervous about the outcome, and JOHN JONES, the Barrister, was no
+exception to the general rule. At three o'clock he was in the full swing
+of an impassioned appeal to the Jury.
+
+"I beg your pardon, Mr. JONES," said the Judge, glancing at the clock,
+"but I am afraid I must interrupt you. I cannot hear you any longer."
+
+"But, my Lord, I have not touched upon a third of the case. I can assure
+you my remarks shall be as brief as possible."
+
+"That is not the point, Mr. JONES," replied his Lordship. "I am
+following your argument with the liveliest interest, and I am sure that
+all you would wish to say would be of the greatest possible service to
+your client; but unfortunately I happen to know that you prepare your
+cases in the early hours of the morning. Now, you know the law as well I
+do. If you have not been at work to-day for eight hours, of course I
+shall be happy to hear; but if you have----"
+
+"As your Lordship pleases," said poor JONES, and he gathered up his
+papers, and left the Court.
+
+"Just in time, Sir," observed the attendant in the robing-room, as he
+put the Barrister's wig in its box, and assisted him to divest himself
+of his gown. "Had you come five minutes later, we should have gone."
+
+"Really! How would that have suited silk and stuff?"
+
+"Caused a fearful row, I am afraid, Sir. But we daren't exceed the eight
+hours' limit, and we must keep two or three of them for some work we
+have in the evening."
+
+When JONES found himself in the Strand he noticed that the traffic was
+considerably less than usual. The omnibuses were few and far between,
+and he did not see a cab in any direction.
+
+"Yes, Sir," replied a policeman, who was removing his band of office,
+preparatory to going home; "you won't find many. Eight hours' limit,
+Sir. Good-day, Sir. I am off myself."
+
+The boats had ceased running; there were no trams. To pass the time he
+thought he would call upon the Editor, whose rooms were in Fleet Street.
+
+"I hope I am not interrupting you," he said, as he entered the sanctum.
+
+"Interrupting me! Why, I am delighted to see you. We have nothing to do.
+Mustn't exceed the eight hours, and they were up at two o'clock. But how
+did you get in?"
+
+"Oh, the Publisher opened the door, and then returned to a rubber of
+whist he was playing with the Reader, the Manager, and the Head of the
+Advertisement Department. I was introduced to them all. Then I watched a
+tug of war going on in the composing-room between the Compositors on the
+one side, and the Machinists and Foundry-men on the other, and came up
+here."
+
+"Very glad to see you, my dear fellow!" and the Editor once again shook
+hands.
+
+A little later JONES entered a restaurant, but he was refused dinner.
+The eight hours' limit had cleared off the cooks and the waiters.
+Half-starving, he purchased a stall for the theatre. For a while his
+thoughts were distracted by the excellence of the performance. Suddenly,
+in the most interesting part of the play, the curtain was prematurely
+dropped.
+
+"Very sorry," said the Stage Manager, addressing the audience from
+behind the footlights, "but, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have no option. We
+had a rehearsal this morning of the new piece, and, taking this into
+consideration, our limit is reached. I may seize this opportunity for
+regretfully announcing that as two performances take more than eight
+hours, the customary Saturday _Matinee_ will for the future be
+discontinued."
+
+The orchestra played a few bars of the National Anthem, and the theatre
+cleared. JONES strolled on to the Embankment, and, the evening being
+pleasant, took a seat. Beside him was a student reading for examination,
+a clergyman thinking out a sermon, and an artist taking a rough sketch.
+JONES took out a brief himself and opened it.
+
+"It's no business of mine," said a policeman off duty, who happened to
+be passing, "but you gents will get yourselves into trouble if you
+exceed the limit."
+
+"I will go home," exclaimed JONES; and he walked to his suburban villa.
+But the place was locked up, and the servants did not dare to open the
+door to him, as they had finished their legal spell of labour hours
+before.
+
+"Don't feel well," he murmured. "Will call upon my Doctor."
+
+"Now, my dear Sir," said the medical man, as JONES appeared before him,
+"you know I must not prescribe for you. The eight hours' limit was
+reached at four."
+
+"Then, I suppose I must die. Will the Act allow me to do _that_?"
+
+"You, as a Barrister, ought to know best, my dear Sir. What is _your_
+idea?"
+
+"My idea?" echoed the considering JONES. "Well, I should say----But,
+stay; I am not entitled to give a professional opinion until to-morrow
+morning! Still, offhand I may observe, that such an illegal death would
+savour of positive suicide; but it would not matter very much, as under
+existing circumstances suicide in some form or other seems to me
+inevitable!" And JONES was right!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. NO. V.
+
+"A Curate may be cross-examined with comparative safety."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
+
+Those who have carefully read the remarks which I have thought it my
+duty to make in these columns from time to time, must have reaped a
+golden harvest at Newmarket last week. It is not easy, of course, in
+these milk-and-water days to say what one means in sufficiently plain
+words. Personally, I have always been mild in my language, and have
+often been reproached on this score. But I have always found it
+possible, without using vulgar and exaggerated abuse, to express the
+contempt which, in common with every right-minded man, I feel for the
+grovelling herd of incompetent boobies, whose minds are as muddy as the
+Rowley Mile after a thunderstorm. _Surefoot_ was always a favourite of
+mine. Two months ago I said, "if _Surefoot_ can only face the starter
+for the Two Thousand firmly, he will probably get off well, and ought
+not to be far behind the first six at the finish. As to _Le Nord_,
+though he is not my colour, he is not likely to be last." Only a
+mooncalf, with a porridge-bowl instead of a head, could have mistaken
+these remarks.
+
+So Sir THOMAS CHUCKS has joined the ranks of aristocratic owners. Here
+is a chance for the dilly-dallying professors of humbug to distinguish
+themselves. What can be expected from a stable which always runs its
+trials at one o'clock in the morning, with nobody but Mr. JEREMY to look
+on? No doubt we shall hear all about it in the columns which Mr. J.
+devotes to the edification of dough-faced, gruel-brained noodles who
+accept him as their prophet.
+
+_Catawampus_ ran well last week. With two stone less and a Calyx-eyed
+saddle-bar, he would have shown up even better. Whenever the barometer
+goes up two points _Catawampus_ must be remembered. He was foaled in a
+ditch on the old North Road, somewhere between London and York, and
+having remained there or thereabouts for a month, may be considered a
+good stayer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EMPIRE IN THE TIME OF SEVERUS.--Wonderful Juggler at the Empire,
+with a name that's not to be trifled with, SEVERUS. Some nights he may
+be better than on others, but you'll be delighted if you just catch him
+in the Juggler vein.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Over-rated Rate-payers who fear the rising of the Rates more than
+almost any other rising, express a hope that the L. C. C. will be
+economical, and that FARRER may be "Nearer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCERTAINTIES OF ARITHMETIC.
+
+_Schoolmaster._ "YES; BUT LOOK HERE, MY BOY. SUPPOSE I WERE TO LEND YOUR
+FATHER _FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS_, LET US SAY,--WITHOUT INTEREST,--BUT ON
+CONDITION THAT HE SHOULD PAY ME TEN POUNDS A WEEK. HOW MUCH WOULD HE
+STILL OWE ME IN TWO MONTHS?"
+
+_New Boy._ "FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR!"
+
+_Schoolmaster._ "TUT! TUT! MY BOY, YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST PRINCIPLES
+OF ARITHMETIC!"
+
+_New Boy._ "_YOU_ DON'T KNOW _MY FATHER_, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIMROSE'S PEEP-SHOW.
+
+(_Vide Lord Rosebery's resume of the year's work of the London County
+Council._)
+
+MASTER BULL _loquitur_:--
+
+  Humph! Show is very passable, no doubt;
+    And as you pull the strings, my clever Showman,
+  'Tis clear that _you_ know what you are about,
+    Sense's sworn friend, and babbling folly's foeman.
+  The slides, as worked by you, seem mighty fine,
+    A trifle vague, perhaps, in composition,
+  Sloppy in colouring, and weak in line,
+    As is the civic peep-show's old tradition;
+  Still there is graphic vigour here and there,
+    Perspective, and a general sense of "movement."
+  On the old "Shirker" Show, 'tis only fair
+    To own, it evidences some improvement.
+  Plenty of slides! there is no doubt of _that_;
+    In fact one questions if there are too many.
+  Yes, I shall find when you pass round the hat,
+    The price is more than the old-fashioned Penny.
+  I pay my money and I take my--choice?
+    Well no, it won't quite fit, that fine old patter.
+  Still, if your Show proves good, I shall rejoice;
+    A trifling rise in fee won't greatly matter,
+  If 'tis not too "progressive" (as you say).
+    To stump up for sound work I'm always willing;
+  But though, of course, a Penny may not pay,
+    One wants a first-class Peep-Show for a Shilling!
+  Some of your novel slides are rather nice,
+    Some of them, on the other hand, look funny.
+  I felt grave doubts about 'em once or twice.
+    I don't want muddlers to absorb my money.
+  However, as I said, 'tis very clear
+    As puller of the strings you yield to no man.
+  The Show seems promising, if rather dear,
+    But anyhow it has a first-rate Showman!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"So Engelish you know!" exclaims the BARON DE B. W., on seeing the
+advertisement of Dr. LOUIS ENGEL's new book from _Handel to Halle_. "It
+will be interesting," says the Baron, "to note how much of HANDEL's
+popularity was due to that particular inspiration of genius which caused
+him to use the name of the future composer and pianist in one of his
+greatest works, namely, the celebrated '_Hallelujah Chorus_.' For this
+magnificent effort would have been only half the chorus it is without
+'HALLE' to commence it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW;
+
+OR, PUCK AT THE SPIGOT.
+
+(_Shakspeare adapted to the situation_)
+
+  _Bung._ Either I mistake your shape and making quite,
+  Or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite
+  Called GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW. Are you not he
+  That did your best to spill Lord S-L-SB-RY?
+  Gave the Old Tory party quite a turn,
+  And office with snug perquisites did spurn?
+  And now you'd make Strong Drink to bear no barm
+  (Or proper profit.) You would do us harm.
+  Those that Hobgoblin call you, and sly PUCK,
+  Are right; you always bring your friends bad luck.
+  Are you not he?
+
+  _Puck._ By Jove, thou speak'st aright;
+  I am that merry wanderer full of spite.
+  I jest unto the Plebs and make it smile.
+  Old, fat, and bean-fed Tories I beguile,
+  And lead them to a Democratic goal.
+  Now I am "going for" the flowing bowl.
+  E'en W-LFR-D owns I am "upon the job".
+  I mean to save the workman many a "bob".
+  But, lessening his chance of toping ale,
+  The Witler tells his pals the saddest tale.
+  Bacchus for his true friend mistaketh me,
+  Then step I from his side, down topples he,
+  And "Traitor!" cries, and swears I did but chaff,
+  And the Teetotallers hold their sides and laugh,
+  And chortle in their joy, and shout, and swear
+  That GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW's a spirit rare.
+  But room, old boy, the Second Reading's on.
+
+  _Bung._ He is a trickster:--Would that he were gone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_Dear me, how surprisingly your voice has strengthened since I last
+heard you sing_;" _i.e._, "Roars like a town-bull, and fancies himself a
+LABLACHE!"
+
+"_I saw quite a ring round your picture at the Academy to-day_;" _i.e._,
+"If only he had heard them laugh!"
+
+"_Won't you stop and have some lunch?_" _i.e._, "Couldn't help asking
+him, as the confounded luncheon-bell rang a peal; but if he has any
+manners or consideration he'll say, 'No, thank you,' and go."
+
+"_I know your face so well--but I am such a bad hand at names_;" _i.e._,
+"Never saw him before in my life!"
+
+"_Pray allow me to get it_;" _i.e._, "Catch me moving!"
+
+"_You know you can trust me implicitly_;" _i.e.,_ "May be a good story
+to tell."
+
+"_He has such wonderful wit_;" _i.e._, "An unfailing flow of rudeness
+which he calls repartee."
+
+"_Rather satirical, yes: but she has marvellous insight into
+character_;" _i.e._, "She has been complimenting _me_."
+
+PLATFORMULARS.
+
+"_These, then, are the arguments_;" _i.e._, "They're all yawning--must
+end somehow."
+
+"_A crushing reply_;" _i.e._, a retort discourteous, in which all the
+points of the attack are adroitly evaded.
+
+"_After the magnificent oration to which we have just listened with so
+much delight, I feel that anything that I can say must be in the nature
+of an anti-climax_;" _i.e._, "Confound him! Why will he take all the
+'fat' to himself, and cut the ground from under a fellow's feet?"
+
+"_I have the greatest possible pleasure in presiding over this
+magnificent assembly on this memorable occasion_;" _i.e._, "Place is
+like a malodorous oven, and I wish to goodness it were all over."
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.
+
+"_I appeal to that consideration which the House always extends to a new
+Member, &c._;" _i.e._, "Mean to make them sit up a bit, but _must_ come
+the conventional modest."
+
+"_The Honourable and Gallant Gentleman has fulfilled his task with all
+the ability that might naturally be expected_;" _i.e._, "With none worth
+mentioning."
+
+"_I rise to order_;" _i.e._, "To raise _dis_order."
+
+EPISTOLATORY.
+
+"_Let me be the first, dear, to congratulate you on your well-merited
+good fortune_;" _i.e._, "She has the deuce's own luck, and doesn't
+deserve it."
+
+"_Thank you so much for your beautiful present, which I shall value for
+its own sake as well as for the giver's_;" _i.e._, "Wouldn't give
+twopence for the two of 'em."
+
+"_So good of you to send me your new book. I shall lose no time in
+reading it_;" _i.e._, "No; not a single second."
+
+AT A DANCE.
+
+"_So you prefer to stand out of this dance, dear?_" _i.e._, "Trust her
+for being a _willing_ 'Wallflower.'"
+
+"_Shall we sit this out on the stairs?_" _i.e._, "I don't want to dance,
+and I _do_ want to spoon."
+
+A LITTLE MUSIC.
+
+"_Well, dear, the only song I can remember, without music, is
+'Gasping'--but I'll try that, if you like_;" _i.e._, "_Her_ great song,
+which she has been grinding up to sing to--or rather _at_--young
+FITZ-FLOSS. _Won't_ she be wild?"
+
+"_Well, your Beethoven bits are lovely, dear, we know; but suppose you
+give us something lighter, for once_;" _i.e._, "BEETHOVEN, indeed!
+BESSIE BELLWOOD is more _her_ style."
+
+CHANNEL PASSAGE.
+
+"_Well, it may be a bit lively when we get out_;" _i.e._, "You won't
+know whether you are on your head or your heels in ten minutes."
+
+CURIOMANIA.
+
+"_I've never seen such a collection of curios in my life!_" _i.e._,
+"Hope I never may again!"
+
+"_I'm no great judge of such things, but I should say this specimen is
+unique_;" _i.e._, "It is to be _hoped_ so!"
+
+"Ex-_qui-site_!!!" _i.e._, "Rubbish!"
+
+RAILROAD AMENITIES.
+
+"_Awfully noisy carriages on this line_;" _i.e._, "Thank goodness! The
+clatter has tired even _his_ stentor throat."
+
+"_Good-bye! So sorry we don't travel farther together_;" _i.e._,
+"Hooray! Now for feet up and forty winks!"
+
+PREPARING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
+
+"_I'm sure you will be a great acquisition to my little company_;"
+_i.e._, "Awful stick, but a _pis aller_ I'm afraid."
+
+"_Now if there's_ anything _you notice not_ quite _the thing_, pray
+_mention it_. I'm _not above taking a hint_;" _i.e._, "Nor _you_ up to
+giving one--of any value."
+
+"_Oh, no doubt you're right, though it's not the way_ CHARLES MATHEWS
+_did it_;" _i.e._, "That's a nasty one for you, Mr. MEDDLER."
+
+"_Ah, yes, I was a little off colour, perhaps; but I shall be all right
+on the night, you bet!_" _i.e._, "Not going to be dictated to by _you_
+anyhow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STANDS SCOTLAND (YARD) WHERE IT DID?"--Yes; only more so. And how kind
+and thoughtful of the Government to order that the materials for
+building the new Police Offices should be found and fashioned by the
+Dartmore convicts. Quite a labour of love!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Correspondent, in _Times_ of Saturday, showed that, in Spite of increase
+of population, there has been a decrease of drunkenness. In 1884-85
+there were 183,221 drunken Police-court cases; but in 1887-88 only
+166,366. Anti-temperance persons will look upon this as "a Drop too
+much."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICTURES OF THE YEAR THAT NO PATRON OF ART CAN POSSIBLY OVERLOOK.--Those
+that are sky'd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SCOTS, WHA HAE."
+
+(_New Version. Sung at the Opening of the Edinburgh International
+Exhibition, May 1._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Scots, wha hae at Paris bled,
+  Scots, wham COOK hath aften led,
+  Welcome to the white, green, red,
+    Of your ain Great Exhibition.
+
+  Now's the day and now's the hour;
+  Though you have no Eiffel Tower!
+  See the bawbees pile and pour;
+    All the world shall crowd to see!
+
+  Wha will want to pinch and save?
+  Wha to see it will not crave?
+  Wha will not declare it brave?
+    Far from Edinbro' let him flee!
+
+  Wha will wish to see the sight
+  Of the graund electric light,
+  And the "Kiowatt" of might?
+    Caledonian! on wi' me!
+
+  Ninety acres on the plain!
+  Almost apes the Show by Seine.
+  Won't folk flock by tram and train
+    To our International Show.
+
+  Let the Incandescents glow,
+  Sixteen thousand, row on row!
+  SANDY all the world will show
+    He will beat the best--or die!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. XI.--THE YOUNG GUARDSMAN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Young Guardsman believes himself to be not only the backbone of the
+British Army, its vital centre and support, but also its decorative
+master-piece. Other officers, of whom the Guardsman is wont to speak
+with a vague pity as belonging to "some line regiment," are not apt to
+sympathise with him in this exalted estimate of his military position
+and functions. They are accustomed to urge, that he is to the general
+body of officers as gold lace is to the uniform he wears, a gaudy
+ornament fashioned for show and useless for the practical work of the
+military profession. Doubtless "these are the forgeries of jealousy,"
+or, if true at all, they are true only for that limited period of the
+Guardsman's existence, during which he pays more attention to his own
+dressing than to that of his men, and imagines that the serious objects
+of life are attained when he has raised the height of his collar by half
+an inch, or invented a new fashion of transfixing a silk scarf with a
+diamond pin. In fact it is during the first flush of his youth that he
+displays those characteristics which have specialised the Guardsman
+amongst the golden lads who afterwards come to the dust of middle-age
+and a colonelcy.
+
+It is by no means necessary that the Young Guardsman should enjoy an
+aristocratic parentage, provided it be a wealthy one; nor is it
+essential that he should have made his mark at school as a scholar, an
+athlete, or a social success. Indeed, nothing is more common than to
+hear a former school-fellow express himself in terms of derisive
+amazement when he is informed that So-and-So is now in the Guards.
+"What, _that_ scug?" he will observe with immeasurable contempt, and
+will proceed to express his surprise how one who neither played cricket,
+nor football, nor rowed to any purpose can possibly add distinction to
+Her Majesty's Brigade of Guards. These observations, it should be said,
+however disrespectful they may be towards a particular individual,
+undoubtedly show a strong feeling of veneration for the repute of the
+Guards in general. It must be added too that on his side the Young
+Guardsman is not slow to repay, and in doing so to aggravate, the
+contempt of the burly athlete who may have kicked him at school, and
+towards whom he now assumes a lordly air of irritating patronage hardly
+endurable, but not easily to be resented, by one who feels it to be
+totally unwarranted.
+
+The Guardsman, then, will have passed through school without emerging in
+any way from the common ruck of ordinary boys. He will have left at a
+comparatively early age in order that his education may no longer be
+neglected, and will have betaken himself to the fostering care of one of
+the numerous establishments which exist to prove that the private coach
+_Codlin_ is superior to the public school _Short_. Hence, if his
+abilities are exceptionally brilliant, he will have passed into
+Sandhurst. Failing this, however, the Militia is a refuge and a
+stepping-stone. In any case he will find himself in due time the owner
+of Her Majesty's Commission and the largest head-dress in the British
+Army. In short he will become a Guardsman in full bloom.
+
+And now he begins to reap a plentiful harvest of easy social
+distinctions, in the sowing of which he himself has borne no part. He
+may be, though to be sure he is not always, the feeblest and most vapid
+of created beings, but he will be none the less courted and flattered by
+the numerous band who fix their eyes and their hearts on social position
+without any regard to the particular atom of humanity by which it may
+chance to be filled. Hostesses shower invitations upon him, he slides
+easily into the membership of many Clubs both social and sporting,
+tradesmen and money-lenders solicit with humility the supreme honour of
+being his creditors, and all the world, as he counts it, smiles upon him
+and is ready to make much of him. A man would require to be made of
+exceptionally stern stuff not to yield to many of the temptations thus
+spread before him, and the Young Guardsman, although he is as martial as
+the occasional wearing of his uniform can make him, is by no means
+stern. He yields, however, with an admirable grace, and although his
+nationality and his profession both forbid him to display an excess of
+enthusiasm, it may be said of him that he tolerates his pleasures and
+does not despise the amusements for which a musketry course at Hythe or
+an occasional encampment at Pirbright seems to give him an additional
+zest.
+
+He is often to be seen at dances, and although he does not dance much
+and is not much of a dancer, it is impossible to complain of any lack of
+vigour in his steps as he tears round the room with his partner in
+double-quick time. Having done this he will descend to supper with a
+young married lady whom he is temporarily honouring with his attentions,
+and will impress her with the maturity of his views of the world. He
+will hint to her that, after all, there is more to be said for _Don
+Juan_ than is commonly supposed, and that "by Gad, a feller who chucks
+away his chances when there are no end of 'em runnin' after him is a
+fool dontcherknow, and you may tell 'em I said so." After he has
+imparted this information he will re-conduct her upstairs, and will then
+leave in a hansom preceded by a tall cigar, for which he has paid
+half-a-crown.
+
+At Maidenhead, too, on Sundays during the summer the Young Guardsman is
+a conspicuous object. Robed in spotless flannels, with the Brigade
+Colours round his straw hat and his neck, he may be seen propelling a
+punt with much perseverance and some accuracy to Boulter's Lock and
+back. Afterwards he will dine with the comfortable conviction that he
+has had very violent exercise.
+
+Of the Young Guardsman's dress much might be said. It is spotless and
+careful and is evidently the result of deep thought. Yet, if a fault may
+be hinted, it errs like his cigar on the side of exaggeration. A
+frock-coat should fit well, but his is too tight. Fashion no doubt
+demands that in the daytime a cascade of silk or satin should pour
+itself into a lake of shirt-front, but the cascade need not be a Niagara
+nor the lake an Ontario. It is true of course that at night no young man
+who respects himself and values the opinion of his friends would dream
+of wearing a white tie of any but the butterfly pattern. Still there are
+butterflies and butterflies, and the Young Guardsman's model would seem
+to be rather one of the huge tropical varieties than any known to our
+northern climate. These, however, are but trifling defects which
+scarcely detract from the shining and ornamental completeness of his
+appearance.
+
+It is remarkable how readily the Young Guardsman imagines himself to be
+an adept in the mysteries of the turf. With a light heart and a heavy
+betting-book he faces the hoary sinners who lay the odds. Nor is it
+until he has lost more money than his father can well afford that he
+discovers that the raw inexperience even of a Young Guardsman is
+unequally matched against the cool head, and the long purse, of the
+professional book-maker. In vain does he call in the aid of the venal
+tipster. The result is always the same, and he returns home from every
+race-meeting without ever, to use his own phrase, "getting home" at all.
+Indeed, if they may be believed, the subalterns of "the Brigade" never
+vary from a condition which they always describe as stony-broke.
+
+A little later in his career the Young Guardsman will find himself
+temporarily on the staff of a General appointed to command a force of
+Volunteers during some Easter man[oe]uvres. He will wear a white belt,
+the frock-coat of his undress uniform and a cocked hat, and will believe
+himself to be a Staff officer. He will perform his duties not without
+efficiency, but will scarcely take enough trouble to remove from the
+minds of the Volunteers to whom he issues orders, that idea of patronage
+which is to a rightly constituted Volunteer what a red rag is said to be
+to a bull. Soon after this, a war having broken out in Africa, he will
+volunteer for active service and will be accepted. Being after all a
+young man of pluck and spirit, he will pass with distinction through the
+hardships and dangers of the campaign. Amid the stern realities of the
+bivouac and the battlefield his swagger and his affectations will
+vanish. Returning home in this altered condition it is as likely as not
+that he will marry, and having served his Queen with solid credit for
+many years, will eventually retire with the rank of General and the
+well-earned respect of all who know him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST OF THE BACILLI.
+
+(_Feuilleton of the "Medical Record," April, 1900._)
+
+In a gloomy and inaccessible cavity, situated in the diaphragm of the
+human body in which he had made his home, stood the last of the Bacilli.
+His friends and his brothers, the companions of his innocent childhood,
+the associates of his boyish days, his fellow-adventurers in manhood's
+prime--all, all had perished. Some had been ruthlessly hunted down by a
+skilled body of German assassins; others had died under the cruel
+attacks of the pestilent Frenchman. The Cholera Bacillus, the king of
+them all, was the first to fall; typhoid and typhus, small-pox and
+measles, fits of convulsions or of sneezing, coughs and catarrhs, had
+all been deprived of Bacilli and slain. The Wart Bacillus had fought
+hard and maintained himself for a long time on a precarious footing of
+fingers and thumbs; but he too had been extirpated. The Thirst Bacillus
+had given up the ghost yesterday, after keeping up for years a guerilla
+warfare disguised either as a green rat or a striped snake. And now the
+mighty Hunger Bacillus stood alone, gloomy and defiant. But he knew his
+hour had come. "Better death," he shouted, "than the microscope!" and
+with these words drew his sword and dashed forth into the darkness.
+There was a yell, followed by the sound of steel beaten against steel,
+then a blood-curdling gurgle, and all grew still.
+
+"He was a gallant scoundrel, but my quick _riposte_ confused him,"
+observed Signor SUCCI, who entered the apartment, wiping his blade on
+the advertisement of a new beef-essence, and taking copious draughts of
+his elixir.
+
+Thus died, as he had lived, dismal, desperate, degraded, the Hunger
+Bacillus, the last of his race.
+
+(_From another Column of the same Paper._)
+
+We rejoice to hear that the Act for making Succination compulsory is to
+be energetically enforced. Public Succinators have now been appointed to
+every district, and every parent omitting to have the operation
+performed upon his infant within two months after birth is to be
+rigorously prosecuted. Henceforth, as we may remind our readers, anybody
+"complaining of hunger shall be liable on conviction to be imprisoned
+for not less than six calendar months, with or without hard labour." We
+quote the words of clause 3 of the Act.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALLOWED TO STARVE.
+
+THE SUCCESSFUL FASTING-MAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF THE SIX HUNDRED!!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Mr. JAMES PAYN has the peculiar gift of writing a novel as if he were
+telling you a story _viva voce_ and interesting you in it, not only by
+reason of its plot, but also by his way of narrating it. There is a
+spontaneity about his style which to the Baron is most refreshing: it is
+like listening to two clever men, one of whom is telling the story, and
+the other is enlivening it with his sharp and appropriate comments,
+always dropped in parenthetically. Mr. PAYN is a good hand at keeping a
+secret, and it is not for the BARON DE B. W. to tell beforehand what the
+novelist keeps as a little bit up his sleeve till the last moment. Why
+call it _The Burnt Million_? To what tremendous conflagration involving
+such a fearful loss of life does the title point? The story will
+interest the Million and delight Thousands. Excellent as is the dialogue
+generally, the Baron ventures to doubt whether any ordinary person (and
+no one of these characters is a genius) ever begins a sentence with
+"Nay." Anent _The Burnt Million_, the Baron's advice to persons in
+search of a novel is, "_Tolle, lege!_" Also the Baron says, get _La
+Revue de Famille_ at HACHETTE's. _Un Foyer de Theatre_, by M. AUDEBRAND,
+for all interested in the history of the French Drama, is delightful
+reading. Don't miss _Causerie Litteraire_, by Mr. CHARLES BENOIST.
+
+The Baroness says, read "Poor Mr. Carrington" in _Temple Bar_.
+
+_Lippincott's Magazine_ this month is heartily welcome,--we should say,
+BRET HARTE-ily welcome. Capital story, by B. H., "A Sappho of Green
+Sprigs."
+
+  (_Signed_)      BARON DE BOOK WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODDS ON THE BEDMAKERS.
+
+    [A proposal for the abolition of Bedmakers is being discussed in
+    Cambridge.]
+
+_Chorus of Undergraduates:--_
+
+  There are things we could spare; we could watch without weeping
+    A Tutor's extinction, a Dean's disappearance.
+  And Professors who drone while their pupils are sleeping,
+    Though they went at a loss, we should welcome the clearance.
+
+  And Proctors who blandly demand six-and-eightpence,
+    And, while toiling themselves, send all petticoats spinning;
+  And Porters who tick off our names for our gate-pence;
+    And Bull-dogs who help to withhold us from sinning.
+
+  And the juvenile Don who thinks "Dons should be firmer,"
+    And the elderly Don who is painfully nervous--
+  We could see them depart without even a murmur,
+    So our Bedmakers stay to amuse and to serve us.
+
+  We have watched, while we trembled, the pomps and the maces,
+    Stern emblems of rule, with the Esquire Bedell come;
+  We have heard of the Senate, its edicts and graces,--
+    Take the lot, if you like, you may have them and welcome.
+
+  But the "Bedder"? No, no. Come, we offer a wager:
+    We will bet she survives who of beds is the maker!
+  Any answer? Not one; for, in spite of her age, her
+    Attractions are such that there isn't a taker.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEASURES AND MEN.--M. JACQUES BERTILLON has been lecturing before the
+Anthropological Society--(the only Society where _anthropoi_ are
+logical)--on his method of "identifying criminals by comparing their
+measures with those of convicted prisoners on the prison registers."
+Ahem! How about novel Home Rule Measures compared with those of past
+Kilmainhamites?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUEEN'S SERVICE.
+
+"I SEE YOUR SERVANTS WEAR COCKADES NOW, MISS SHODDSON."
+
+"YES. PA'S JUST BECOME A MEMBER OF THE ARMY AND NAVY STORES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+L'ENFANT TERRIBLE!
+
+_Chorus of Passengers, expostulating:--_
+
+  Stop, WILLIAM, stop! Your game is not a game _we_ can enjoy!
+  Your father's son should not thus play the Little Vulgar Boy!
+  This is not Margate, WILLIAM mine, and ours is not a crew
+  Of ordinary trippers, packed aboard the _Lively Loo_
+  For a shillingsworth of suffering on a wild and wobbling sea.
+  Stop, WILLIAM! You'll upset the boat! Why can't you let it be?
+
+  Our boat has braved a many storms. It's old and may be crank;
+  But though it sometimes sprang a leak, it never wholly sank.
+  We are not packed so close to-day as we have oft been packed.
+  Against some stiffer gales than this we've weathered and we've tacked;
+  But, WILLIAM, though our craft tossed wild, though loud the winds have
+    roared,
+  We've never, never had so bad a boy as _you_ on board!
+
+  Sit down, now do, you pickle, you! Don't dance upon that thwart,
+  And see-saw in that sort of way. We want to get to port,
+  Not Davy Jones's Locker, Sir. "These roarers" are wild things,
+  As SHAKSPEARE in _The Tempest_ says, and do not care for Kings;
+  To keep them down and bale them out has always been our aim;
+  But you, you just play larks with them. What _is_ your little game?
+  You, young, the latest chap on board, but of a sound old stock
+  Of Royal navigators, do you think it right to mock
+  All nautical traditions in this reckless kind of way,
+  And greet these waves, as BYRON did, as though with them you'd _play_?
+  They're dangerous playfellows, boy; tiger-cubs hardly in it
+  For riskiness! I say, do stop! You'll swamp us in a minute.
+  Look at your Crown! Such head-gear, boy, is seldom a tight fit,
+  And oscillations sometimes act as Notices to Quit!
+
+  What would your grandfather have said to see you sway and prance?
+  Sit still, lad, you alarm us all. Just look at Madame FRANCE!
+  She's thought a fairish sailor, and has doffed her Crown, but see,
+  She's clutching at the gunwale, too, as nervous as can be.
+  Whilst, as for dear Senora SPAIN and her poor little charge,
+  I guess she wishes this same tub were CLEOPATRA's barge,
+  Or something broad and beamy that won't easily capsize.
+  AUSTRIA's staring with a look of agonized surprise.
+  And ITALY's dumfoundered. Sit down, boy! you're tempting fate.
+  These days are trying ones, for _us_, 'tis worse than Forty-Eight.
+  Then there were winds and whirlpools, but no Socialistic Sea
+  Sweeping all shores, and threatening International anarchy.
+  And with _its_ waves you're wantoning, and wobbling up and down,
+  Indifferent to our stomachs,--as regardless of your Crown.
+  Upon my honour it's too bad. _Noblesse oblige_, you know,
+  'Tis not a Hohenzollern we'd expect to serve us so.
+  You've sacked our safest Pilot, who objected to your pranks,
+  And now you are coquetting with mad mutiny in the ranks,
+  Eh? You'll suppress it when you please, you'll smash up all your foes?
+  'Tis a new game, for Royalty, and risky, goodness knows.
+  Meanwhile, _don't_ sway the boat like that, into the sea you'll fall;
+  Or, what's more likely, just capsize the craft and drown us all!
+
+       * * *
+
+[Illustration: L'ENFANT TERRIBLE!
+
+CHORUS IN THE STERN. "DON'T GO ON LIKE THAT--OR YOU'LL UPSET US ALL!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.
+
+Exceptionally good in food for body and mind. "First person present in
+indicative mood" is Sir FREDERICK, the courteous President, pointing out
+to Royal Highnesses the beauties of Burlington House. Stars, ribands,
+and garters everywhere. Exceptionally distinguished personages come in
+with invitations only, and no orders. Pretty to see Cardinal MANNING's
+bright scarlet scull-cap, quite eclipsing RUSTEM PASHA's fez. Cardinal
+distinctly observed to smile during MARKISS's humorous observations.
+"MARKISS is ready," sounds like twin phrase to "Barkis is willin'."
+H.R.H.'s speech shorter than ever. Wonderful, too, how eloquent Sir
+FREDERICK contrives to spread fresh butter on dry old toasts, so that
+everyone relishes them as choice morsels. All speeches shorter, except
+Admiralty Lord's, who, being among portrait-painters, goes in for
+figures. But where is--"Mr. STANLEY, I presume?" Not here. Invited, but
+perhaps exploring neighbourhood, and unable to discover Burlington
+House. Altogether an exceptionally brilliant evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A HORSE FAIR.
+
+Dealer. "NOW, GUV'NOR, SAY YOU'LL 'AVE 'IM FOR THIRTY-FIVE BOB. YOU
+CAN'T GET A GOOD SOUND YOUNG 'OSS LIKE 'IM FOR LESS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE NEW SCRIBE AND POET.
+
+AIR--"_O Ruddier than the Cherry!_"
+
+  O RUDYARD, in this sherry,
+  I drink your very, very
+        Good health. I would
+        That write I could
+  Like KIPLING, sad or merry.
+
+(_Signed)_      INVIDIUS NASO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NELL OF CHELSEA.
+
+(_A Legend of the Opening of the Royal Military Exhibition._)
+
+The Lady got out of her picture in the Morning Room, and glanced at
+herself in the Club glass. She had been painted by Sir PETER LELY, and
+consequently was scarcely in a costume suitable to a May Day at the
+close of the Nineteenth Century.
+
+"I' faith," said the Lady, "but I must get me a cloak to cover me,
+otherwise I shall have a crowd a following me."
+
+It will be seen from this observation that, although the Lady had
+flourished (very considerably) in the time of CHARLES THE SECOND, she
+had not kept up her Carolian English. It is possible that the chit-chat
+under her frame by the fire-place had corrupted the purity of her--to an
+antiquary--interesting lingo. Be this as it may, she glided down the
+large and handsome staircase, and selecting the furred and hooded coat
+of a member who had just returned from abroad, annexed it.
+
+"This will do nicely," she murmured; "quite the mode," a remark which
+proved that she had seen no fashion-plates lying on the Club table, and,
+therefore, was entirely ignorant of the modern mysteries of ladies'
+dress. However, she passed in the crowd--partly because no one appeared
+to notice her. A Lady from a portrait by Sir PETER LELY without her
+frame and background, after all, is rather a shadowy creation.
+
+When she had turned from Garrick Street into St. Martin's Lane, she
+looked about her in surprise. What had been fields when she was in the
+flesh were now sites of houses. She glided along, perplexed to a degree,
+until she got to Charing Cross; then she recognised the statue of
+CHARLES THE FIRST, and what was standing of White Hall.
+
+"By my troth, this is not an improvement! Houses, houses, nothing but
+houses! I will e'en take the water to Chelsea, and see the hospital I
+persuaded ROWLEY to give to his poor soldiers. There should be some
+stairs hereabouts."
+
+But if the Lady did not find stairs, she came across a landing-stage.
+She got on to the Westminster Pier, and was soon aboard one of the best
+vessels of the Victoria Steamboat Association, Limited. Within half an
+hour or so she was landed opposite the building it had been her
+privilege to secure for the benefit of the British Army. The place was
+brave with bunting. There were enormous sheds full of battle pictures
+and portraits, and in the grounds was an arena suitable for the holding
+of military sports. Then there was a huge band-stand, and the electric
+light was laid on with great liberality in the gardens.
+
+"Gad'sooks!" exclaimed the Lady of the Picture; "and what are they doing
+in the precincts of Chelsea Hospital?"
+
+She was immediately supplied with information. A Military Exhibition was
+being held in aid of the Church of England Institutes--establishments
+(so she was told) of a strictly unsectarian character. The
+entertainments would be of a most popular character,--weather
+permitting, _al fresco_. The commissariat would be excellent. In one
+place only temperance beverages would be served, but elsewhere there
+would be--well--there would be drinks. At that very moment the
+Exhibition was being opened by the Most Illustrious Gentleman in the
+Land accompanied by H.R.H.'s most charming and most beautiful partner.
+Would the Lady like to see the place?
+
+"Another time," she replied. "Stay, I would like to see myself. Have you
+a picture of me? I am Mistress NELLIE GWYNNE."
+
+Her courteous informant bowed, and shook his head. He had heard it
+suggested at the inaugural lunch that she should be represented, but
+there were so many things to do--the Military Sports, the eating
+and drinking, the Royal Patronage, and the Church of England
+Institutes,--that, in point of fact, the matter had been overlooked.
+
+"Well, never mind," said good-natured NELLIE, "I daresay you will get on
+very well without me. But look to this, my master. Here we are very near
+the site of old Cremorne, and a part of the grounds over yonder is
+called Ranelagh. You have lights and bands, and subtle beverages, some
+of which will cheer but not inebriate,--and others that may possibly
+reverse the operation. Well, well, my portrait is not in your
+collection,--the best I can wish you is that you may keep your night
+_fetes_ as select as your picture-gallery."
+
+And with this the Lady returned to her frame beside the fire-place in
+the Club Morning Room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NUTS" FOR THE COAL TRADE.
+
+    [Under the 29th Section of the Weights and Measures Act "the person
+    in charge of the vehicle," when coal-frauds are perpetrated, seems
+    to be alone punishable.]
+
+  Not a sack was full, not a weight was true,
+    As the coals to their cellar we hurried;
+  Not an eye could see were they many or few
+    In the crypt where our cobbles we buried.
+
+  We buried them gaily, at luncheon time,
+    All Acts of Parliament spurning;
+  There were "Kitchens," composed of slate and slime,
+    And Wallsend, "dimly burning."
+
+  No fussing servants surveyed our cart--
+    (If they had, we'd have kept them shivering)
+  --They were busy serving the family tart
+    At our chosen hour for delivering!
+
+  Few and brief the remarks we made;
+    Not of coals, but of beer, we chattered;
+  And we thought of the tricks of an opulent trade
+    As the coal-dust we liberally scattered.
+
+  We thought of our "dealer," our wealthy boss,
+    How he's spared by the law just created;
+  How we carmen are made to suffer the loss
+    When for fraud by a Court we are "slated."
+
+  Lightly they'll talk of his "ha'porth of sack,"
+    On his weights make unhandsome reflection;
+  But little he'll reck, as fines fall on our back,
+    And _he's_ "doubly-screened" from detection!
+
+  But half of our "heavy task" was done
+    When a spy of the Council--drat it!--
+  Came pushing his nose in our sacks, every one,
+    Tried our weights, and our bill--looked at it!
+
+  Slowly and sadly we slunk out of sight,
+    Objecting to get into hobbles;
+  We breathed no farewell, and we said no good-night,
+    But we left him alone with the cobbles!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAST REPORT.--The Dean and Chapter of Westminster have discharged a
+Canon. No one was seriously injured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.--No. 1. ROYAL ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 1004. Tally Ho Ho Ho! Going over a Ha! Ha! Ha! Quite
+the picture of the year, and will probably be presented by subscription
+to Colney Hatch, Esq., Master of the Hanwell Hounds.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 243. The Determined Bather. Temperature so cold that
+drapery is frozen.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 110. Curiosity in Animal Life. Escaped from
+Barnum's.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 437. Advertisement for Provincial Tour of Griffiths
+Brothers as "The Blondin Donkey."]
+
+       * * *
+
+No. 5. The First Storey in the Royal Academy Annual is entitled, _The
+Hungry Messenger_. Good STOREY.
+
+No. 44. Never put off till to MORO PHILLIPS what you can put on to-day.
+Illustration of an elderly Blue-coat Boy unable to leave off an old
+habit.
+
+No. 53, with No. 98 and No. 91. Ought to have been hung together,
+portraits "_en soot_."
+
+No. 202. _Ethereal Football._
+
+No. 224. _Boy and Dog._ BRITON RIVIERE, R.A. Dog unmuzzled, boy hears
+policeman's footstep.
+
+No. 235. "_Every dog has his Washing-day._" Pet just been cleaned and
+brought into drawing-room. Doubtful reception by Papa and other sisters.
+Hardly up to the usual form of W. Q. ORCHARDSON, R.A.
+
+No. 292. Mr. PHIL. A. MORRIS, A. calls this "_La Belle Americaine_." Is
+she? The tone of this belle is rather loud.
+
+No. 303. A wonderful picture and portrait, by LUKE FILDES, R.A. "LUKE on
+this picture and on----" any other portrait, and you'll find this hard
+to beat. Wealth of colour, colour of wealth, _affaire de Luke's_.
+
+No. 318. _Major E. R. Burke._ Admirable portrait, by HUBERT HERKOMER, A.
+See how the Master of Bushey has dealt with the Hair! As might be
+expected from a Hair-comber with a brush in his hand. Will be remembered
+as "_Burke and Hair_."
+
+No. 411. _Mrs. Arthur Sassoon._ Charming. Sweet simplicity.
+
+You'll say this _as soon_ as you see it. HUBERT HERKOMER, A(ngcore).
+
+[Illustration: No. 361. Scene at Dollis Hill.]
+
+No. 463. _Sir Oscar Clayton, C.M.E._ Bravo Mr. F. GOODALL, R.A. Good
+entirely. Artist was thinking of adapting refrain of popular comic song,
+"_Ask a P'liceman_," and writing under portrait legend--
+
+If you want to know who's this,--
+        "OSCAR CLAYTON."
+
+But it was unnecessary, as the portrait speaks for itself.
+
+No. 473. _D-T-erioration;_ or, Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, K.C.S.I., commencing as
+a book-maker, and laying "two to one bar one." "ARNOLD'S first exercise"
+in this character is depicted by JAMES ARCHER.
+
+No. 600. _Tum-Tum The Melancholy_, By JOSEPH MORDECAI. Is HAMAN hung
+too?
+
+No. 703. "_Nobody looking, Mother, You can prig something out of the
+Money-box._" But the vigilant Verger has his eye on them. Such is the
+story told by BLANDFORD FLETCHER.
+
+No. 744. Coming home late in the Olden Time. By RALPH HEDLEY. No
+latch-key. Rousing the neighbourhood with pantomime door-knocker.
+Situation graphically depicted.
+
+No. 759. _By the Linn Pool._ By NOBLE. Charming. Must be of course;
+_Noblesse oblige_.
+
+[Illustration: No. 487. Primrose Dames.]
+
+No. 794. "_Out shooting._" Very much out, shooting. Nothing to CROWE
+about.
+
+No. 886. _A Smile._ Delightful. This Miss is as good as her smile. JAN
+VAN BEERS.
+
+No. 1028. "_Please to remember the Ninth of November._" Lord Mayor's
+Procession stopped by photographer. "Now, then--wait--where you
+are--when I say three!" And as they were taken, so they are cleverly
+represented by WILLIAM LOGSDAIL.
+
+[Illustration: No. 652. Mrs. Jack-in-the-Green. Tree-mendous!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 28._--Irish Land Purchase Bill again.
+CHAMBERLAIN lifts debate out of somewhat tedious trough into which it
+had fallen. Remarkable speech; bold in conception; adroit in
+arrangement; forcible in argument; lucid in exposition. Spoke for over
+an hour, and though his discourse, full of intricate points, the
+marshalling of which was frequently interrupted by angry or scornful
+cries from below Gangway, JOSEPH had not a scrap of paper in his hand,
+did not once refer to a note.
+
+"Admirable," said GRANDOLPH, looking on with appreciative, though not
+loving eyes. "If he had lived in the time of his father JACOB, it would
+have been no use his brothers putting him in the pit; he would have
+argued himself clean out before they were half a mile on their way back
+to the family place in Canaan. Weak part of his position is that he is
+trying to serve two Bills, BALFOUR'S and PARNELL'S. Can't recommend
+BALFOUR'S scheme without belittling PARNELL'S; same thing other way
+about. Reminds me, TOBY, of a passage in WORDSWORTH'S prose writings;
+not so much read as his poetry; but daresay you remember it. There was a
+Bishop WATSON who began his official career as a Liberal. He was
+frightened into Conservatism, and WORDSWORTH, then a hot young youth,
+goes for him as youth does sometimes gird at Respectability. 'Upon what
+principle,' he asked the Bishop, 'is your conduct to be explained? In
+some parts of England it is quaintly said when a drunken man is seen
+reeling home, that he has business on both sides of the road. Observing
+your Lordship's tortuous path, the spectators will be far from
+insinuating that you have partaken of Mr. BOURKE'S intoxicating bowl.
+They will content themselves, shaking their heads as you stagger along,
+with saying that you have business on both sides of the road.' That's
+what's the matter with CHAMBERLAIN. He's very smart, very clever, very
+capable; but in politics, dear TOBY, no one ever succeeds who has
+business on both sides of the road."
+
+"What do _you_ think?" I asked CHRISTOPHER SYKES, who stood looking on
+with familiar aspect of unutterable wisdom.
+
+"I wasn't thinking of that at all," he answered, gloomily. "Haven't yet
+got over what GEORGE LEWIS said in Court on Saturday. You've heard or
+read about it, of course? Took opportunity of observing, that though I
+was near sixty years of age, I was very innocent. I may be getting on
+for sixty, but I'll tell you what, TOBY, I'm not nearly so innocent as I
+look."
+
+CHRISTOPHER really hurt with GEORGE LEWIS'S aspersion. Comforted him by
+hinting that I knew some dreadful things about him.
+
+"We remember your Crabs and Lobsters Bill," I said, soothingly. "There
+was much more in that than met the eye. You're a crafty old CHRISTOPHER;
+just the sort of man to take in a fellow like GEORGE LEWIS, who thinks
+he knows everything."
+
+CHRISTOPHER smiled a deep and wicked smile, and strode off in better
+spirits. Always like to say a kind word to a man when I can.
+
+_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill again.
+
+_Tuesday._--Fight on Land Purchase Bill been going forward again at
+Morning Sitting; rather dull, though enlivened by speech from PLUNKET,
+who once more reminded House how much it loses by his habitual silence.
+At Evening Sitting GRANDOLPH came on with his Licensing Bill. Let eager
+politicians and ambitious statesmen arm themselves for combat in the
+field of high politics; GRANDOLPH'S only desire is to do a little good
+in the world whilst yet he lingers on this level. Nothing new in crusade
+against drink. No _kudos_ to be gained; no acclaim of the multitude to
+ring in the pleased ear; no cheering clash of party conflict. GRANDOLPH
+gives a deprecating twirl to his modest moustache, and takes up his
+homely parable. Possibly he does this with the larger content, since he
+had his go at the Land Purchase Bill before Debate on Second Reading
+opened. His letters, published on eve of Easter recess, hurtled
+pleasantly around the heads of his esteemed friends on Treasury Bench.
+Could not say anything more or anything better if he joined in debate;
+so sits silent through Morning Sitting, and when the shades of evening
+fall, he meekly lifts up his voice, expounding a measure of domestic
+legislation fraught with permanent interest to the masses.
+
+"A most promising member of the Band of Hope," says WILFRED LAWSON,
+regarding GRANDOLPH with fatherly kindness. "Wonder if I might ask him
+to crack a bottle of ginger-beer with me. Will certainly proffer the
+hospitality if I get a chance."
+
+[Illustration: "I'm not nearly so innocent as I look."]
+
+The grand young GARDNER (_and_ his wife; can complete quotation now)
+back again after wedding trip. Doesn't look quite so brisk as the
+average bridegroom. "Fact is, old fellow," he said, as I condoled with
+him, "when I said I would die a bachelor, I never thought I would live
+to be married, go off on a wedding trip, catch the influenza at
+Innsbruck, the measles at Milan, the scarlatina at Samarcand, and the
+malaria at Mentone."
+
+_Business done._--Morning Sitting, Irish Land Purchase Bill; Evening,
+GRANDOLPH'S Licensing Bill read First Time.
+
+_Thursday._--Ordinarily amicable proceedings in debate on Irish Land
+Purchase Bill varied by accidental but unhappy circumstances. Prince
+ARTHUR in course of speech happened to say, that "under Bill of 1886
+Irish Government was supposed to be a buffer between the English
+Government and the Irish tenant." Mr. G., sitting attentive, suddenly
+sprang up when this insult fell on his ear. Bill of 1886 not a tempting
+topic; led to downfall of his Ministry; but to hear it publicly called a
+"buffer," more than he could stand--or, rather, sit. Leaped to feet,
+and, with thrilling energy, repudiated gross imputation. Prince ARTHUR
+taken aback; hadn't meant anything particular. To call a thing or a
+person a buffer not necessarily a term of opprobrium. Everything depends
+on inflection of tone. Suppose, now, leaning across the table, he had
+addressed Mr. G. as "old buffer," that would perhaps have been a little
+familiar, but not vindictive.
+
+This he tried to make clear. Having, as he thought, averted the thunder,
+repeated remarks about Bill of 1886 being a buffer. Didn't even put it
+in that direct form.
+
+"I said," he observed with seraphic smile and deferential manner, "that
+the Irish Government under the Right Hon. Gentleman's Bill was supposed
+to occupy the position, more or less, of a buffer between the English
+Government and the Irish tenant."
+
+Mr. G. up again with catapultic force and suddenness. "Not in the
+least," he angrily protested. "A buffer is between two things."
+
+Expected that would floor Prince ARTHUR; but he came back again, and
+sheltering himself behind the brass-bound box, called out, "Yes, but a
+buffer might be between two persons as well as between two things."
+
+Mr. G. angrily shook his head; a Jove-like frown mantled his
+countenance. But disdained to pursue controversy further, and Prince
+ARTHUR, carefully avoiding further reference to buffers, went his way.
+Difference of opinion as to how question was left; Conservatives insist
+that Prince ARTHUR had best of it; Liberals stand by Mr. G. Many wonder
+why SPEAKER did not interfere; as he did not, it is assumed that buffer
+is a Parliamentary word, at least when applied to inanimate creation.
+
+_Business done._--Second Heading of Irish Land Purchase Bill carried by
+348 Votes against 268.
+
+_Friday._--HARTINGTON suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, blossomed
+into effective speech. Of all subjects in world was Disestablishment of
+Kirk in Scotland! Calculated to depress most people; brightened
+HARTINGTON up beyond all knowledge. His little hit at GLADSTONE,
+sheltering himself behind his (HARTINGTON'S) familiar and convenient
+declaration, that on Disestablishment Question he would be guided by the
+opinion of the majority of the Scotch people, neatly and dexterously
+made. Also his reference to the short time when he had honour of being
+"at least the nominal Leader of the Liberal Party," and found Mr. G. a
+somewhat unruly follower. Most excellent. HARTINGTON should try this
+line again.
+
+_Business done._--Motion for Scotch Disestablishment negatived by 256
+Votes against 218.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+_Wednesday, May 7._--_Mr. Punch_ out. Everybody's at home to _him_.
+
+_Friday 9._--Mrs. DUFFER'S first dance if she knows the step.
+
+_Saturday 10._--Rehearsal of Crystal Palace fireworks, 2 P.M. Admission
+by entrance gates only.
+
+_Monday 12._--Breakfast to Mr. H. M. STANLEY, at whatever time he orders
+it.
+
+First Meet of H.S. Drags, Serpentine.
+
+Foot-ball in Rotten Row, by kind permission of GEORGE RANGER and the
+Commissioner of Police.
+
+Mrs. NOODLE'S second dance postponed, as she hasn't given her first yet.
+
+_Tuesday 13._--Holiday at Zoological Gardens. Cages all open. Admission
+free. Banquets, Excursions, and Alarums.
+
+       * * *
+
+LADY HENRIETTA SISKIN'S Charity Dance has been postponed until the
+following week. A large and distinguished company is expected to grace
+the mezzotint hall of her ladyship's new mansion in Belgravia on the
+occasion. No expense is to be spared in the general decoration of the
+supper-room, which was built, it will be remembered, by her ladyship's
+great-grandfather in the reign of GEORGE THE THIRD.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Correspondent furnishes us with the following curious
+observations:--"I have noticed," he writes, "that those who walk or ride
+in the Park are, generally speaking, of two sexes, and possess, as a
+rule, four fingers and a thumb on each hand. By a curious freak of
+fashion, a frock-coat is not now worn with a muslin skirt; and a
+moustache may be sought for in vain under a sun-bonnet. Horses are
+ridden with four legs, and, in some cases, with a tail, although this is
+not essential."
+
+       * * *
+
+It is strange to notice how much the tastes of theatre-goers vary at the
+present day. Some prefer the Haymarket, some the Strand, others flock to
+the Lyceum, and some are turned away from the Savoy, the Garrick, or the
+Avenue. Philosophers have, as yet, paid too little attention to this
+matter. Would Mr. HERBERT SPENCER or Mr. LANG oblige?
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been calculated by the Society for the Collection of Domestic
+Data, that if three-fourths of the Cooks of the Metropolis struck work
+on any given day, exactly nine-twelfths of the resident employers of
+servants would be seriously inconvenienced.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is but very slight foundation for the report that, if AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS (first so styled in the burlesque on _Claudian_) should be
+elected to the Shrievalty, Messrs. HARRY NICHOLLS and HERBERT CAMPBELL
+will be the Under-Sheriffs.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Correspondent lately drew Mr. GL-DST-NE'S attention to the prevalence
+of mud after rain, and the consequent injury to carts, collars, and
+carriages. The veteran Statesman has found time to send the following
+post-card reply, which will be perused with interest:--
+
+SIR,--The subject to which you direct my attention is no doubt of
+peculiar interest to those in any way connected with the vehicular
+traffic by which so much of the commerce and pleasure of the Metropolis
+is carried on. In view, however, of the pressing exigencies of the Irish
+Question, I cannot do more than take a note of your objections to
+mud-spots, leaving to those who may come after me the duty of dealing
+practically with your recommendations.
+
+  I am, faithfully yours,      W. E. GL-DST-NE.
+
+       * * *
+
+On the evening when Mr. STANLEY dines with the Turners' Company, where
+he is entertained as a Re-Turner, it is hoped that the authorities of
+the National Gallery will kindly allow all their Turners to attend. The
+history of the Turners' Company is interesting, commencing as it does
+with WHITTINGTON, who was the first person (before HENRY IRVING played
+it) to hear _The Bells_, and to obey their injunction "to turn again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
+Vol. 98, 1890.05.10, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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