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diff --git a/30694.txt b/30694.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd817ba --- /dev/null +++ b/30694.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1767 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, 1890.05.10, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, 1890.05.10 + +Author: Various + +Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: December 17, 2009 [EBook #30694] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MAY 10, 1890. + + * * * * * + +EIGHT HOURS ONLY. + +(_A Fancy Sketch of the Possible._) + +It was the first day under the operation of the new Act. Everyone was a +little nervous about the outcome, and JOHN JONES, the Barrister, was no +exception to the general rule. At three o'clock he was in the full swing +of an impassioned appeal to the Jury. + +"I beg your pardon, Mr. JONES," said the Judge, glancing at the clock, +"but I am afraid I must interrupt you. I cannot hear you any longer." + +"But, my Lord, I have not touched upon a third of the case. I can assure +you my remarks shall be as brief as possible." + +"That is not the point, Mr. JONES," replied his Lordship. "I am +following your argument with the liveliest interest, and I am sure that +all you would wish to say would be of the greatest possible service to +your client; but unfortunately I happen to know that you prepare your +cases in the early hours of the morning. Now, you know the law as well I +do. If you have not been at work to-day for eight hours, of course I +shall be happy to hear; but if you have----" + +"As your Lordship pleases," said poor JONES, and he gathered up his +papers, and left the Court. + +"Just in time, Sir," observed the attendant in the robing-room, as he +put the Barrister's wig in its box, and assisted him to divest himself +of his gown. "Had you come five minutes later, we should have gone." + +"Really! How would that have suited silk and stuff?" + +"Caused a fearful row, I am afraid, Sir. But we daren't exceed the eight +hours' limit, and we must keep two or three of them for some work we +have in the evening." + +When JONES found himself in the Strand he noticed that the traffic was +considerably less than usual. The omnibuses were few and far between, +and he did not see a cab in any direction. + +"Yes, Sir," replied a policeman, who was removing his band of office, +preparatory to going home; "you won't find many. Eight hours' limit, +Sir. Good-day, Sir. I am off myself." + +The boats had ceased running; there were no trams. To pass the time he +thought he would call upon the Editor, whose rooms were in Fleet Street. + +"I hope I am not interrupting you," he said, as he entered the sanctum. + +"Interrupting me! Why, I am delighted to see you. We have nothing to do. +Mustn't exceed the eight hours, and they were up at two o'clock. But how +did you get in?" + +"Oh, the Publisher opened the door, and then returned to a rubber of +whist he was playing with the Reader, the Manager, and the Head of the +Advertisement Department. I was introduced to them all. Then I watched a +tug of war going on in the composing-room between the Compositors on the +one side, and the Machinists and Foundry-men on the other, and came up +here." + +"Very glad to see you, my dear fellow!" and the Editor once again shook +hands. + +A little later JONES entered a restaurant, but he was refused dinner. +The eight hours' limit had cleared off the cooks and the waiters. +Half-starving, he purchased a stall for the theatre. For a while his +thoughts were distracted by the excellence of the performance. Suddenly, +in the most interesting part of the play, the curtain was prematurely +dropped. + +"Very sorry," said the Stage Manager, addressing the audience from +behind the footlights, "but, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have no option. We +had a rehearsal this morning of the new piece, and, taking this into +consideration, our limit is reached. I may seize this opportunity for +regretfully announcing that as two performances take more than eight +hours, the customary Saturday _Matinee_ will for the future be +discontinued." + +The orchestra played a few bars of the National Anthem, and the theatre +cleared. JONES strolled on to the Embankment, and, the evening being +pleasant, took a seat. Beside him was a student reading for examination, +a clergyman thinking out a sermon, and an artist taking a rough sketch. +JONES took out a brief himself and opened it. + +"It's no business of mine," said a policeman off duty, who happened to +be passing, "but you gents will get yourselves into trouble if you +exceed the limit." + +"I will go home," exclaimed JONES; and he walked to his suburban villa. +But the place was locked up, and the servants did not dare to open the +door to him, as they had finished their legal spell of labour hours +before. + +"Don't feel well," he murmured. "Will call upon my Doctor." + +"Now, my dear Sir," said the medical man, as JONES appeared before him, +"you know I must not prescribe for you. The eight hours' limit was +reached at four." + +"Then, I suppose I must die. Will the Act allow me to do _that_?" + +"You, as a Barrister, ought to know best, my dear Sir. What is _your_ +idea?" + +"My idea?" echoed the considering JONES. "Well, I should say----But, +stay; I am not entitled to give a professional opinion until to-morrow +morning! Still, offhand I may observe, that such an illegal death would +savour of positive suicide; but it would not matter very much, as under +existing circumstances suicide in some form or other seems to me +inevitable!" And JONES was right! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. NO. V. + +"A Curate may be cross-examined with comparative safety."] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +Those who have carefully read the remarks which I have thought it my +duty to make in these columns from time to time, must have reaped a +golden harvest at Newmarket last week. It is not easy, of course, in +these milk-and-water days to say what one means in sufficiently plain +words. Personally, I have always been mild in my language, and have +often been reproached on this score. But I have always found it +possible, without using vulgar and exaggerated abuse, to express the +contempt which, in common with every right-minded man, I feel for the +grovelling herd of incompetent boobies, whose minds are as muddy as the +Rowley Mile after a thunderstorm. _Surefoot_ was always a favourite of +mine. Two months ago I said, "if _Surefoot_ can only face the starter +for the Two Thousand firmly, he will probably get off well, and ought +not to be far behind the first six at the finish. As to _Le Nord_, +though he is not my colour, he is not likely to be last." Only a +mooncalf, with a porridge-bowl instead of a head, could have mistaken +these remarks. + +So Sir THOMAS CHUCKS has joined the ranks of aristocratic owners. Here +is a chance for the dilly-dallying professors of humbug to distinguish +themselves. What can be expected from a stable which always runs its +trials at one o'clock in the morning, with nobody but Mr. JEREMY to look +on? No doubt we shall hear all about it in the columns which Mr. J. +devotes to the edification of dough-faced, gruel-brained noodles who +accept him as their prophet. + +_Catawampus_ ran well last week. With two stone less and a Calyx-eyed +saddle-bar, he would have shown up even better. Whenever the barometer +goes up two points _Catawampus_ must be remembered. He was foaled in a +ditch on the old North Road, somewhere between London and York, and +having remained there or thereabouts for a month, may be considered a +good stayer. + + * * * * * + +THE EMPIRE IN THE TIME OF SEVERUS.--Wonderful Juggler at the Empire, +with a name that's not to be trifled with, SEVERUS. Some nights he may +be better than on others, but you'll be delighted if you just catch him +in the Juggler vein. + + * * * * * + +The Over-rated Rate-payers who fear the rising of the Rates more than +almost any other rising, express a hope that the L. C. C. will be +economical, and that FARRER may be "Nearer." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNCERTAINTIES OF ARITHMETIC. + +_Schoolmaster._ "YES; BUT LOOK HERE, MY BOY. SUPPOSE I WERE TO LEND YOUR +FATHER _FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS_, LET US SAY,--WITHOUT INTEREST,--BUT ON +CONDITION THAT HE SHOULD PAY ME TEN POUNDS A WEEK. HOW MUCH WOULD HE +STILL OWE ME IN TWO MONTHS?" + +_New Boy._ "FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR!" + +_Schoolmaster._ "TUT! TUT! MY BOY, YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST PRINCIPLES +OF ARITHMETIC!" + +_New Boy._ "_YOU_ DON'T KNOW _MY FATHER_, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +PRIMROSE'S PEEP-SHOW. + +(_Vide Lord Rosebery's resume of the year's work of the London County +Council._) + +MASTER BULL _loquitur_:-- + + Humph! Show is very passable, no doubt; + And as you pull the strings, my clever Showman, + 'Tis clear that _you_ know what you are about, + Sense's sworn friend, and babbling folly's foeman. + The slides, as worked by you, seem mighty fine, + A trifle vague, perhaps, in composition, + Sloppy in colouring, and weak in line, + As is the civic peep-show's old tradition; + Still there is graphic vigour here and there, + Perspective, and a general sense of "movement." + On the old "Shirker" Show, 'tis only fair + To own, it evidences some improvement. + Plenty of slides! there is no doubt of _that_; + In fact one questions if there are too many. + Yes, I shall find when you pass round the hat, + The price is more than the old-fashioned Penny. + I pay my money and I take my--choice? + Well no, it won't quite fit, that fine old patter. + Still, if your Show proves good, I shall rejoice; + A trifling rise in fee won't greatly matter, + If 'tis not too "progressive" (as you say). + To stump up for sound work I'm always willing; + But though, of course, a Penny may not pay, + One wants a first-class Peep-Show for a Shilling! + Some of your novel slides are rather nice, + Some of them, on the other hand, look funny. + I felt grave doubts about 'em once or twice. + I don't want muddlers to absorb my money. + However, as I said, 'tis very clear + As puller of the strings you yield to no man. + The Show seems promising, if rather dear, + But anyhow it has a first-rate Showman! + + * * * * * + +"So Engelish you know!" exclaims the BARON DE B. W., on seeing the +advertisement of Dr. LOUIS ENGEL's new book from _Handel to Halle_. "It +will be interesting," says the Baron, "to note how much of HANDEL's +popularity was due to that particular inspiration of genius which caused +him to use the name of the future composer and pianist in one of his +greatest works, namely, the celebrated '_Hallelujah Chorus_.' For this +magnificent effort would have been only half the chorus it is without +'HALLE' to commence it." + + * * * * * + +GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW; + +OR, PUCK AT THE SPIGOT. + +(_Shakspeare adapted to the situation_) + + _Bung._ Either I mistake your shape and making quite, + Or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite + Called GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW. Are you not he + That did your best to spill Lord S-L-SB-RY? + Gave the Old Tory party quite a turn, + And office with snug perquisites did spurn? + And now you'd make Strong Drink to bear no barm + (Or proper profit.) You would do us harm. + Those that Hobgoblin call you, and sly PUCK, + Are right; you always bring your friends bad luck. + Are you not he? + + _Puck._ By Jove, thou speak'st aright; + I am that merry wanderer full of spite. + I jest unto the Plebs and make it smile. + Old, fat, and bean-fed Tories I beguile, + And lead them to a Democratic goal. + Now I am "going for" the flowing bowl. + E'en W-LFR-D owns I am "upon the job". + I mean to save the workman many a "bob". + But, lessening his chance of toping ale, + The Witler tells his pals the saddest tale. + Bacchus for his true friend mistaketh me, + Then step I from his side, down topples he, + And "Traitor!" cries, and swears I did but chaff, + And the Teetotallers hold their sides and laugh, + And chortle in their joy, and shout, and swear + That GRANDOLPH GOODFELLOW's a spirit rare. + But room, old boy, the Second Reading's on. + + _Bung._ He is a trickster:--Would that he were gone! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_Dear me, how surprisingly your voice has strengthened since I last +heard you sing_;" _i.e._, "Roars like a town-bull, and fancies himself a +LABLACHE!" + +"_I saw quite a ring round your picture at the Academy to-day_;" _i.e._, +"If only he had heard them laugh!" + +"_Won't you stop and have some lunch?_" _i.e._, "Couldn't help asking +him, as the confounded luncheon-bell rang a peal; but if he has any +manners or consideration he'll say, 'No, thank you,' and go." + +"_I know your face so well--but I am such a bad hand at names_;" _i.e._, +"Never saw him before in my life!" + +"_Pray allow me to get it_;" _i.e._, "Catch me moving!" + +"_You know you can trust me implicitly_;" _i.e.,_ "May be a good story +to tell." + +"_He has such wonderful wit_;" _i.e._, "An unfailing flow of rudeness +which he calls repartee." + +"_Rather satirical, yes: but she has marvellous insight into +character_;" _i.e._, "She has been complimenting _me_." + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_These, then, are the arguments_;" _i.e._, "They're all yawning--must +end somehow." + +"_A crushing reply_;" _i.e._, a retort discourteous, in which all the +points of the attack are adroitly evaded. + +"_After the magnificent oration to which we have just listened with so +much delight, I feel that anything that I can say must be in the nature +of an anti-climax_;" _i.e._, "Confound him! Why will he take all the +'fat' to himself, and cut the ground from under a fellow's feet?" + +"_I have the greatest possible pleasure in presiding over this +magnificent assembly on this memorable occasion_;" _i.e._, "Place is +like a malodorous oven, and I wish to goodness it were all over." + +PARLIAMENTARY. + +"_I appeal to that consideration which the House always extends to a new +Member, &c._;" _i.e._, "Mean to make them sit up a bit, but _must_ come +the conventional modest." + +"_The Honourable and Gallant Gentleman has fulfilled his task with all +the ability that might naturally be expected_;" _i.e._, "With none worth +mentioning." + +"_I rise to order_;" _i.e._, "To raise _dis_order." + +EPISTOLATORY. + +"_Let me be the first, dear, to congratulate you on your well-merited +good fortune_;" _i.e._, "She has the deuce's own luck, and doesn't +deserve it." + +"_Thank you so much for your beautiful present, which I shall value for +its own sake as well as for the giver's_;" _i.e._, "Wouldn't give +twopence for the two of 'em." + +"_So good of you to send me your new book. I shall lose no time in +reading it_;" _i.e._, "No; not a single second." + +AT A DANCE. + +"_So you prefer to stand out of this dance, dear?_" _i.e._, "Trust her +for being a _willing_ 'Wallflower.'" + +"_Shall we sit this out on the stairs?_" _i.e._, "I don't want to dance, +and I _do_ want to spoon." + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_Well, dear, the only song I can remember, without music, is +'Gasping'--but I'll try that, if you like_;" _i.e._, "_Her_ great song, +which she has been grinding up to sing to--or rather _at_--young +FITZ-FLOSS. _Won't_ she be wild?" + +"_Well, your Beethoven bits are lovely, dear, we know; but suppose you +give us something lighter, for once_;" _i.e._, "BEETHOVEN, indeed! +BESSIE BELLWOOD is more _her_ style." + +CHANNEL PASSAGE. + +"_Well, it may be a bit lively when we get out_;" _i.e._, "You won't +know whether you are on your head or your heels in ten minutes." + +CURIOMANIA. + +"_I've never seen such a collection of curios in my life!_" _i.e._, +"Hope I never may again!" + +"_I'm no great judge of such things, but I should say this specimen is +unique_;" _i.e._, "It is to be _hoped_ so!" + +"Ex-_qui-site_!!!" _i.e._, "Rubbish!" + +RAILROAD AMENITIES. + +"_Awfully noisy carriages on this line_;" _i.e._, "Thank goodness! The +clatter has tired even _his_ stentor throat." + +"_Good-bye! So sorry we don't travel farther together_;" _i.e._, +"Hooray! Now for feet up and forty winks!" + +PREPARING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +"_I'm sure you will be a great acquisition to my little company_;" +_i.e._, "Awful stick, but a _pis aller_ I'm afraid." + +"_Now if there's_ anything _you notice not_ quite _the thing_, pray +_mention it_. I'm _not above taking a hint_;" _i.e._, "Nor _you_ up to +giving one--of any value." + +"_Oh, no doubt you're right, though it's not the way_ CHARLES MATHEWS +_did it_;" _i.e._, "That's a nasty one for you, Mr. MEDDLER." + +"_Ah, yes, I was a little off colour, perhaps; but I shall be all right +on the night, you bet!_" _i.e._, "Not going to be dictated to by _you_ +anyhow." + + * * * * * + +"STANDS SCOTLAND (YARD) WHERE IT DID?"--Yes; only more so. And how kind +and thoughtful of the Government to order that the materials for +building the new Police Offices should be found and fashioned by the +Dartmore convicts. Quite a labour of love! + + * * * * * + +Correspondent, in _Times_ of Saturday, showed that, in Spite of increase +of population, there has been a decrease of drunkenness. In 1884-85 +there were 183,221 drunken Police-court cases; but in 1887-88 only +166,366. Anti-temperance persons will look upon this as "a Drop too +much." + + * * * * * + +PICTURES OF THE YEAR THAT NO PATRON OF ART CAN POSSIBLY OVERLOOK.--Those +that are sky'd. + + * * * * * + +"SCOTS, WHA HAE." + +(_New Version. Sung at the Opening of the Edinburgh International +Exhibition, May 1._) + +[Illustration] + + Scots, wha hae at Paris bled, + Scots, wham COOK hath aften led, + Welcome to the white, green, red, + Of your ain Great Exhibition. + + Now's the day and now's the hour; + Though you have no Eiffel Tower! + See the bawbees pile and pour; + All the world shall crowd to see! + + Wha will want to pinch and save? + Wha to see it will not crave? + Wha will not declare it brave? + Far from Edinbro' let him flee! + + Wha will wish to see the sight + Of the graund electric light, + And the "Kiowatt" of might? + Caledonian! on wi' me! + + Ninety acres on the plain! + Almost apes the Show by Seine. + Won't folk flock by tram and train + To our International Show. + + Let the Incandescents glow, + Sixteen thousand, row on row! + SANDY all the world will show + He will beat the best--or die! + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. XI.--THE YOUNG GUARDSMAN. + +[Illustration] + +The Young Guardsman believes himself to be not only the backbone of the +British Army, its vital centre and support, but also its decorative +master-piece. Other officers, of whom the Guardsman is wont to speak +with a vague pity as belonging to "some line regiment," are not apt to +sympathise with him in this exalted estimate of his military position +and functions. They are accustomed to urge, that he is to the general +body of officers as gold lace is to the uniform he wears, a gaudy +ornament fashioned for show and useless for the practical work of the +military profession. Doubtless "these are the forgeries of jealousy," +or, if true at all, they are true only for that limited period of the +Guardsman's existence, during which he pays more attention to his own +dressing than to that of his men, and imagines that the serious objects +of life are attained when he has raised the height of his collar by half +an inch, or invented a new fashion of transfixing a silk scarf with a +diamond pin. In fact it is during the first flush of his youth that he +displays those characteristics which have specialised the Guardsman +amongst the golden lads who afterwards come to the dust of middle-age +and a colonelcy. + +It is by no means necessary that the Young Guardsman should enjoy an +aristocratic parentage, provided it be a wealthy one; nor is it +essential that he should have made his mark at school as a scholar, an +athlete, or a social success. Indeed, nothing is more common than to +hear a former school-fellow express himself in terms of derisive +amazement when he is informed that So-and-So is now in the Guards. +"What, _that_ scug?" he will observe with immeasurable contempt, and +will proceed to express his surprise how one who neither played cricket, +nor football, nor rowed to any purpose can possibly add distinction to +Her Majesty's Brigade of Guards. These observations, it should be said, +however disrespectful they may be towards a particular individual, +undoubtedly show a strong feeling of veneration for the repute of the +Guards in general. It must be added too that on his side the Young +Guardsman is not slow to repay, and in doing so to aggravate, the +contempt of the burly athlete who may have kicked him at school, and +towards whom he now assumes a lordly air of irritating patronage hardly +endurable, but not easily to be resented, by one who feels it to be +totally unwarranted. + +The Guardsman, then, will have passed through school without emerging in +any way from the common ruck of ordinary boys. He will have left at a +comparatively early age in order that his education may no longer be +neglected, and will have betaken himself to the fostering care of one of +the numerous establishments which exist to prove that the private coach +_Codlin_ is superior to the public school _Short_. Hence, if his +abilities are exceptionally brilliant, he will have passed into +Sandhurst. Failing this, however, the Militia is a refuge and a +stepping-stone. In any case he will find himself in due time the owner +of Her Majesty's Commission and the largest head-dress in the British +Army. In short he will become a Guardsman in full bloom. + +And now he begins to reap a plentiful harvest of easy social +distinctions, in the sowing of which he himself has borne no part. He +may be, though to be sure he is not always, the feeblest and most vapid +of created beings, but he will be none the less courted and flattered by +the numerous band who fix their eyes and their hearts on social position +without any regard to the particular atom of humanity by which it may +chance to be filled. Hostesses shower invitations upon him, he slides +easily into the membership of many Clubs both social and sporting, +tradesmen and money-lenders solicit with humility the supreme honour of +being his creditors, and all the world, as he counts it, smiles upon him +and is ready to make much of him. A man would require to be made of +exceptionally stern stuff not to yield to many of the temptations thus +spread before him, and the Young Guardsman, although he is as martial as +the occasional wearing of his uniform can make him, is by no means +stern. He yields, however, with an admirable grace, and although his +nationality and his profession both forbid him to display an excess of +enthusiasm, it may be said of him that he tolerates his pleasures and +does not despise the amusements for which a musketry course at Hythe or +an occasional encampment at Pirbright seems to give him an additional +zest. + +He is often to be seen at dances, and although he does not dance much +and is not much of a dancer, it is impossible to complain of any lack of +vigour in his steps as he tears round the room with his partner in +double-quick time. Having done this he will descend to supper with a +young married lady whom he is temporarily honouring with his attentions, +and will impress her with the maturity of his views of the world. He +will hint to her that, after all, there is more to be said for _Don +Juan_ than is commonly supposed, and that "by Gad, a feller who chucks +away his chances when there are no end of 'em runnin' after him is a +fool dontcherknow, and you may tell 'em I said so." After he has +imparted this information he will re-conduct her upstairs, and will then +leave in a hansom preceded by a tall cigar, for which he has paid +half-a-crown. + +At Maidenhead, too, on Sundays during the summer the Young Guardsman is +a conspicuous object. Robed in spotless flannels, with the Brigade +Colours round his straw hat and his neck, he may be seen propelling a +punt with much perseverance and some accuracy to Boulter's Lock and +back. Afterwards he will dine with the comfortable conviction that he +has had very violent exercise. + +Of the Young Guardsman's dress much might be said. It is spotless and +careful and is evidently the result of deep thought. Yet, if a fault may +be hinted, it errs like his cigar on the side of exaggeration. A +frock-coat should fit well, but his is too tight. Fashion no doubt +demands that in the daytime a cascade of silk or satin should pour +itself into a lake of shirt-front, but the cascade need not be a Niagara +nor the lake an Ontario. It is true of course that at night no young man +who respects himself and values the opinion of his friends would dream +of wearing a white tie of any but the butterfly pattern. Still there are +butterflies and butterflies, and the Young Guardsman's model would seem +to be rather one of the huge tropical varieties than any known to our +northern climate. These, however, are but trifling defects which +scarcely detract from the shining and ornamental completeness of his +appearance. + +It is remarkable how readily the Young Guardsman imagines himself to be +an adept in the mysteries of the turf. With a light heart and a heavy +betting-book he faces the hoary sinners who lay the odds. Nor is it +until he has lost more money than his father can well afford that he +discovers that the raw inexperience even of a Young Guardsman is +unequally matched against the cool head, and the long purse, of the +professional book-maker. In vain does he call in the aid of the venal +tipster. The result is always the same, and he returns home from every +race-meeting without ever, to use his own phrase, "getting home" at all. +Indeed, if they may be believed, the subalterns of "the Brigade" never +vary from a condition which they always describe as stony-broke. + +A little later in his career the Young Guardsman will find himself +temporarily on the staff of a General appointed to command a force of +Volunteers during some Easter man[oe]uvres. He will wear a white belt, +the frock-coat of his undress uniform and a cocked hat, and will believe +himself to be a Staff officer. He will perform his duties not without +efficiency, but will scarcely take enough trouble to remove from the +minds of the Volunteers to whom he issues orders, that idea of patronage +which is to a rightly constituted Volunteer what a red rag is said to be +to a bull. Soon after this, a war having broken out in Africa, he will +volunteer for active service and will be accepted. Being after all a +young man of pluck and spirit, he will pass with distinction through the +hardships and dangers of the campaign. Amid the stern realities of the +bivouac and the battlefield his swagger and his affectations will +vanish. Returning home in this altered condition it is as likely as not +that he will marry, and having served his Queen with solid credit for +many years, will eventually retire with the rank of General and the +well-earned respect of all who know him. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE BACILLI. + +(_Feuilleton of the "Medical Record," April, 1900._) + +In a gloomy and inaccessible cavity, situated in the diaphragm of the +human body in which he had made his home, stood the last of the Bacilli. +His friends and his brothers, the companions of his innocent childhood, +the associates of his boyish days, his fellow-adventurers in manhood's +prime--all, all had perished. Some had been ruthlessly hunted down by a +skilled body of German assassins; others had died under the cruel +attacks of the pestilent Frenchman. The Cholera Bacillus, the king of +them all, was the first to fall; typhoid and typhus, small-pox and +measles, fits of convulsions or of sneezing, coughs and catarrhs, had +all been deprived of Bacilli and slain. The Wart Bacillus had fought +hard and maintained himself for a long time on a precarious footing of +fingers and thumbs; but he too had been extirpated. The Thirst Bacillus +had given up the ghost yesterday, after keeping up for years a guerilla +warfare disguised either as a green rat or a striped snake. And now the +mighty Hunger Bacillus stood alone, gloomy and defiant. But he knew his +hour had come. "Better death," he shouted, "than the microscope!" and +with these words drew his sword and dashed forth into the darkness. +There was a yell, followed by the sound of steel beaten against steel, +then a blood-curdling gurgle, and all grew still. + +"He was a gallant scoundrel, but my quick _riposte_ confused him," +observed Signor SUCCI, who entered the apartment, wiping his blade on +the advertisement of a new beef-essence, and taking copious draughts of +his elixir. + +Thus died, as he had lived, dismal, desperate, degraded, the Hunger +Bacillus, the last of his race. + +(_From another Column of the same Paper._) + +We rejoice to hear that the Act for making Succination compulsory is to +be energetically enforced. Public Succinators have now been appointed to +every district, and every parent omitting to have the operation +performed upon his infant within two months after birth is to be +rigorously prosecuted. Henceforth, as we may remind our readers, anybody +"complaining of hunger shall be liable on conviction to be imprisoned +for not less than six calendar months, with or without hard labour." We +quote the words of clause 3 of the Act. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALLOWED TO STARVE. + +THE SUCCESSFUL FASTING-MAN.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE SIX HUNDRED!!!] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Mr. JAMES PAYN has the peculiar gift of writing a novel as if he were +telling you a story _viva voce_ and interesting you in it, not only by +reason of its plot, but also by his way of narrating it. There is a +spontaneity about his style which to the Baron is most refreshing: it is +like listening to two clever men, one of whom is telling the story, and +the other is enlivening it with his sharp and appropriate comments, +always dropped in parenthetically. Mr. PAYN is a good hand at keeping a +secret, and it is not for the BARON DE B. W. to tell beforehand what the +novelist keeps as a little bit up his sleeve till the last moment. Why +call it _The Burnt Million_? To what tremendous conflagration involving +such a fearful loss of life does the title point? The story will +interest the Million and delight Thousands. Excellent as is the dialogue +generally, the Baron ventures to doubt whether any ordinary person (and +no one of these characters is a genius) ever begins a sentence with +"Nay." Anent _The Burnt Million_, the Baron's advice to persons in +search of a novel is, "_Tolle, lege!_" Also the Baron says, get _La +Revue de Famille_ at HACHETTE's. _Un Foyer de Theatre_, by M. AUDEBRAND, +for all interested in the history of the French Drama, is delightful +reading. Don't miss _Causerie Litteraire_, by Mr. CHARLES BENOIST. + +The Baroness says, read "Poor Mr. Carrington" in _Temple Bar_. + +_Lippincott's Magazine_ this month is heartily welcome,--we should say, +BRET HARTE-ily welcome. Capital story, by B. H., "A Sappho of Green +Sprigs." + + (_Signed_) BARON DE BOOK WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +ODDS ON THE BEDMAKERS. + + [A proposal for the abolition of Bedmakers is being discussed in + Cambridge.] + +_Chorus of Undergraduates:--_ + + There are things we could spare; we could watch without weeping + A Tutor's extinction, a Dean's disappearance. + And Professors who drone while their pupils are sleeping, + Though they went at a loss, we should welcome the clearance. + + And Proctors who blandly demand six-and-eightpence, + And, while toiling themselves, send all petticoats spinning; + And Porters who tick off our names for our gate-pence; + And Bull-dogs who help to withhold us from sinning. + + And the juvenile Don who thinks "Dons should be firmer," + And the elderly Don who is painfully nervous-- + We could see them depart without even a murmur, + So our Bedmakers stay to amuse and to serve us. + + We have watched, while we trembled, the pomps and the maces, + Stern emblems of rule, with the Esquire Bedell come; + We have heard of the Senate, its edicts and graces,-- + Take the lot, if you like, you may have them and welcome. + + But the "Bedder"? No, no. Come, we offer a wager: + We will bet she survives who of beds is the maker! + Any answer? Not one; for, in spite of her age, her + Attractions are such that there isn't a taker. + + * * * * * + +MEASURES AND MEN.--M. JACQUES BERTILLON has been lecturing before the +Anthropological Society--(the only Society where _anthropoi_ are +logical)--on his method of "identifying criminals by comparing their +measures with those of convicted prisoners on the prison registers." +Ahem! How about novel Home Rule Measures compared with those of past +Kilmainhamites? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUEEN'S SERVICE. + +"I SEE YOUR SERVANTS WEAR COCKADES NOW, MISS SHODDSON." + +"YES. PA'S JUST BECOME A MEMBER OF THE ARMY AND NAVY STORES."] + + * * * * * + +L'ENFANT TERRIBLE! + +_Chorus of Passengers, expostulating:--_ + + Stop, WILLIAM, stop! Your game is not a game _we_ can enjoy! + Your father's son should not thus play the Little Vulgar Boy! + This is not Margate, WILLIAM mine, and ours is not a crew + Of ordinary trippers, packed aboard the _Lively Loo_ + For a shillingsworth of suffering on a wild and wobbling sea. + Stop, WILLIAM! You'll upset the boat! Why can't you let it be? + + Our boat has braved a many storms. It's old and may be crank; + But though it sometimes sprang a leak, it never wholly sank. + We are not packed so close to-day as we have oft been packed. + Against some stiffer gales than this we've weathered and we've tacked; + But, WILLIAM, though our craft tossed wild, though loud the winds have + roared, + We've never, never had so bad a boy as _you_ on board! + + Sit down, now do, you pickle, you! Don't dance upon that thwart, + And see-saw in that sort of way. We want to get to port, + Not Davy Jones's Locker, Sir. "These roarers" are wild things, + As SHAKSPEARE in _The Tempest_ says, and do not care for Kings; + To keep them down and bale them out has always been our aim; + But you, you just play larks with them. What _is_ your little game? + You, young, the latest chap on board, but of a sound old stock + Of Royal navigators, do you think it right to mock + All nautical traditions in this reckless kind of way, + And greet these waves, as BYRON did, as though with them you'd _play_? + They're dangerous playfellows, boy; tiger-cubs hardly in it + For riskiness! I say, do stop! You'll swamp us in a minute. + Look at your Crown! Such head-gear, boy, is seldom a tight fit, + And oscillations sometimes act as Notices to Quit! + + What would your grandfather have said to see you sway and prance? + Sit still, lad, you alarm us all. Just look at Madame FRANCE! + She's thought a fairish sailor, and has doffed her Crown, but see, + She's clutching at the gunwale, too, as nervous as can be. + Whilst, as for dear Senora SPAIN and her poor little charge, + I guess she wishes this same tub were CLEOPATRA's barge, + Or something broad and beamy that won't easily capsize. + AUSTRIA's staring with a look of agonized surprise. + And ITALY's dumfoundered. Sit down, boy! you're tempting fate. + These days are trying ones, for _us_, 'tis worse than Forty-Eight. + Then there were winds and whirlpools, but no Socialistic Sea + Sweeping all shores, and threatening International anarchy. + And with _its_ waves you're wantoning, and wobbling up and down, + Indifferent to our stomachs,--as regardless of your Crown. + Upon my honour it's too bad. _Noblesse oblige_, you know, + 'Tis not a Hohenzollern we'd expect to serve us so. + You've sacked our safest Pilot, who objected to your pranks, + And now you are coquetting with mad mutiny in the ranks, + Eh? You'll suppress it when you please, you'll smash up all your foes? + 'Tis a new game, for Royalty, and risky, goodness knows. + Meanwhile, _don't_ sway the boat like that, into the sea you'll fall; + Or, what's more likely, just capsize the craft and drown us all! + + * * * + +[Illustration: L'ENFANT TERRIBLE! + +CHORUS IN THE STERN. "DON'T GO ON LIKE THAT--OR YOU'LL UPSET US ALL!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET. + +Exceptionally good in food for body and mind. "First person present in +indicative mood" is Sir FREDERICK, the courteous President, pointing out +to Royal Highnesses the beauties of Burlington House. Stars, ribands, +and garters everywhere. Exceptionally distinguished personages come in +with invitations only, and no orders. Pretty to see Cardinal MANNING's +bright scarlet scull-cap, quite eclipsing RUSTEM PASHA's fez. Cardinal +distinctly observed to smile during MARKISS's humorous observations. +"MARKISS is ready," sounds like twin phrase to "Barkis is willin'." +H.R.H.'s speech shorter than ever. Wonderful, too, how eloquent Sir +FREDERICK contrives to spread fresh butter on dry old toasts, so that +everyone relishes them as choice morsels. All speeches shorter, except +Admiralty Lord's, who, being among portrait-painters, goes in for +figures. But where is--"Mr. STANLEY, I presume?" Not here. Invited, but +perhaps exploring neighbourhood, and unable to discover Burlington +House. Altogether an exceptionally brilliant evening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A HORSE FAIR. + +Dealer. "NOW, GUV'NOR, SAY YOU'LL 'AVE 'IM FOR THIRTY-FIVE BOB. YOU +CAN'T GET A GOOD SOUND YOUNG 'OSS LIKE 'IM FOR LESS!"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE NEW SCRIBE AND POET. + +AIR--"_O Ruddier than the Cherry!_" + + O RUDYARD, in this sherry, + I drink your very, very + Good health. I would + That write I could + Like KIPLING, sad or merry. + +(_Signed)_ INVIDIUS NASO. + + * * * * * + +THE NELL OF CHELSEA. + +(_A Legend of the Opening of the Royal Military Exhibition._) + +The Lady got out of her picture in the Morning Room, and glanced at +herself in the Club glass. She had been painted by Sir PETER LELY, and +consequently was scarcely in a costume suitable to a May Day at the +close of the Nineteenth Century. + +"I' faith," said the Lady, "but I must get me a cloak to cover me, +otherwise I shall have a crowd a following me." + +It will be seen from this observation that, although the Lady had +flourished (very considerably) in the time of CHARLES THE SECOND, she +had not kept up her Carolian English. It is possible that the chit-chat +under her frame by the fire-place had corrupted the purity of her--to an +antiquary--interesting lingo. Be this as it may, she glided down the +large and handsome staircase, and selecting the furred and hooded coat +of a member who had just returned from abroad, annexed it. + +"This will do nicely," she murmured; "quite the mode," a remark which +proved that she had seen no fashion-plates lying on the Club table, and, +therefore, was entirely ignorant of the modern mysteries of ladies' +dress. However, she passed in the crowd--partly because no one appeared +to notice her. A Lady from a portrait by Sir PETER LELY without her +frame and background, after all, is rather a shadowy creation. + +When she had turned from Garrick Street into St. Martin's Lane, she +looked about her in surprise. What had been fields when she was in the +flesh were now sites of houses. She glided along, perplexed to a degree, +until she got to Charing Cross; then she recognised the statue of +CHARLES THE FIRST, and what was standing of White Hall. + +"By my troth, this is not an improvement! Houses, houses, nothing but +houses! I will e'en take the water to Chelsea, and see the hospital I +persuaded ROWLEY to give to his poor soldiers. There should be some +stairs hereabouts." + +But if the Lady did not find stairs, she came across a landing-stage. +She got on to the Westminster Pier, and was soon aboard one of the best +vessels of the Victoria Steamboat Association, Limited. Within half an +hour or so she was landed opposite the building it had been her +privilege to secure for the benefit of the British Army. The place was +brave with bunting. There were enormous sheds full of battle pictures +and portraits, and in the grounds was an arena suitable for the holding +of military sports. Then there was a huge band-stand, and the electric +light was laid on with great liberality in the gardens. + +"Gad'sooks!" exclaimed the Lady of the Picture; "and what are they doing +in the precincts of Chelsea Hospital?" + +She was immediately supplied with information. A Military Exhibition was +being held in aid of the Church of England Institutes--establishments +(so she was told) of a strictly unsectarian character. The +entertainments would be of a most popular character,--weather +permitting, _al fresco_. The commissariat would be excellent. In one +place only temperance beverages would be served, but elsewhere there +would be--well--there would be drinks. At that very moment the +Exhibition was being opened by the Most Illustrious Gentleman in the +Land accompanied by H.R.H.'s most charming and most beautiful partner. +Would the Lady like to see the place? + +"Another time," she replied. "Stay, I would like to see myself. Have you +a picture of me? I am Mistress NELLIE GWYNNE." + +Her courteous informant bowed, and shook his head. He had heard it +suggested at the inaugural lunch that she should be represented, but +there were so many things to do--the Military Sports, the eating +and drinking, the Royal Patronage, and the Church of England +Institutes,--that, in point of fact, the matter had been overlooked. + +"Well, never mind," said good-natured NELLIE, "I daresay you will get on +very well without me. But look to this, my master. Here we are very near +the site of old Cremorne, and a part of the grounds over yonder is +called Ranelagh. You have lights and bands, and subtle beverages, some +of which will cheer but not inebriate,--and others that may possibly +reverse the operation. Well, well, my portrait is not in your +collection,--the best I can wish you is that you may keep your night +_fetes_ as select as your picture-gallery." + +And with this the Lady returned to her frame beside the fire-place in +the Club Morning Room. + + * * * * * + +"NUTS" FOR THE COAL TRADE. + + [Under the 29th Section of the Weights and Measures Act "the person + in charge of the vehicle," when coal-frauds are perpetrated, seems + to be alone punishable.] + + Not a sack was full, not a weight was true, + As the coals to their cellar we hurried; + Not an eye could see were they many or few + In the crypt where our cobbles we buried. + + We buried them gaily, at luncheon time, + All Acts of Parliament spurning; + There were "Kitchens," composed of slate and slime, + And Wallsend, "dimly burning." + + No fussing servants surveyed our cart-- + (If they had, we'd have kept them shivering) + --They were busy serving the family tart + At our chosen hour for delivering! + + Few and brief the remarks we made; + Not of coals, but of beer, we chattered; + And we thought of the tricks of an opulent trade + As the coal-dust we liberally scattered. + + We thought of our "dealer," our wealthy boss, + How he's spared by the law just created; + How we carmen are made to suffer the loss + When for fraud by a Court we are "slated." + + Lightly they'll talk of his "ha'porth of sack," + On his weights make unhandsome reflection; + But little he'll reck, as fines fall on our back, + And _he's_ "doubly-screened" from detection! + + But half of our "heavy task" was done + When a spy of the Council--drat it!-- + Came pushing his nose in our sacks, every one, + Tried our weights, and our bill--looked at it! + + Slowly and sadly we slunk out of sight, + Objecting to get into hobbles; + We breathed no farewell, and we said no good-night, + But we left him alone with the cobbles! + + * * * * * + +LAST REPORT.--The Dean and Chapter of Westminster have discharged a +Canon. No one was seriously injured. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.--No. 1. ROYAL ACADEMY. + +[Illustration: No. 1004. Tally Ho Ho Ho! Going over a Ha! Ha! Ha! Quite +the picture of the year, and will probably be presented by subscription +to Colney Hatch, Esq., Master of the Hanwell Hounds.] + +[Illustration: No. 243. The Determined Bather. Temperature so cold that +drapery is frozen.] + +[Illustration: No. 110. Curiosity in Animal Life. Escaped from +Barnum's.] + +[Illustration: No. 437. Advertisement for Provincial Tour of Griffiths +Brothers as "The Blondin Donkey."] + + * * * + +No. 5. The First Storey in the Royal Academy Annual is entitled, _The +Hungry Messenger_. Good STOREY. + +No. 44. Never put off till to MORO PHILLIPS what you can put on to-day. +Illustration of an elderly Blue-coat Boy unable to leave off an old +habit. + +No. 53, with No. 98 and No. 91. Ought to have been hung together, +portraits "_en soot_." + +No. 202. _Ethereal Football._ + +No. 224. _Boy and Dog._ BRITON RIVIERE, R.A. Dog unmuzzled, boy hears +policeman's footstep. + +No. 235. "_Every dog has his Washing-day._" Pet just been cleaned and +brought into drawing-room. Doubtful reception by Papa and other sisters. +Hardly up to the usual form of W. Q. ORCHARDSON, R.A. + +No. 292. Mr. PHIL. A. MORRIS, A. calls this "_La Belle Americaine_." Is +she? The tone of this belle is rather loud. + +No. 303. A wonderful picture and portrait, by LUKE FILDES, R.A. "LUKE on +this picture and on----" any other portrait, and you'll find this hard +to beat. Wealth of colour, colour of wealth, _affaire de Luke's_. + +No. 318. _Major E. R. Burke._ Admirable portrait, by HUBERT HERKOMER, A. +See how the Master of Bushey has dealt with the Hair! As might be +expected from a Hair-comber with a brush in his hand. Will be remembered +as "_Burke and Hair_." + +No. 411. _Mrs. Arthur Sassoon._ Charming. Sweet simplicity. + +You'll say this _as soon_ as you see it. HUBERT HERKOMER, A(ngcore). + +[Illustration: No. 361. Scene at Dollis Hill.] + +No. 463. _Sir Oscar Clayton, C.M.E._ Bravo Mr. F. GOODALL, R.A. Good +entirely. Artist was thinking of adapting refrain of popular comic song, +"_Ask a P'liceman_," and writing under portrait legend-- + +If you want to know who's this,-- + "OSCAR CLAYTON." + +But it was unnecessary, as the portrait speaks for itself. + +No. 473. _D-T-erioration;_ or, Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, K.C.S.I., commencing as +a book-maker, and laying "two to one bar one." "ARNOLD'S first exercise" +in this character is depicted by JAMES ARCHER. + +No. 600. _Tum-Tum The Melancholy_, By JOSEPH MORDECAI. Is HAMAN hung +too? + +No. 703. "_Nobody looking, Mother, You can prig something out of the +Money-box._" But the vigilant Verger has his eye on them. Such is the +story told by BLANDFORD FLETCHER. + +No. 744. Coming home late in the Olden Time. By RALPH HEDLEY. No +latch-key. Rousing the neighbourhood with pantomime door-knocker. +Situation graphically depicted. + +No. 759. _By the Linn Pool._ By NOBLE. Charming. Must be of course; +_Noblesse oblige_. + +[Illustration: No. 487. Primrose Dames.] + +No. 794. "_Out shooting._" Very much out, shooting. Nothing to CROWE +about. + +No. 886. _A Smile._ Delightful. This Miss is as good as her smile. JAN +VAN BEERS. + +No. 1028. "_Please to remember the Ninth of November._" Lord Mayor's +Procession stopped by photographer. "Now, then--wait--where you +are--when I say three!" And as they were taken, so they are cleverly +represented by WILLIAM LOGSDAIL. + +[Illustration: No. 652. Mrs. Jack-in-the-Green. Tree-mendous!] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 28._--Irish Land Purchase Bill again. +CHAMBERLAIN lifts debate out of somewhat tedious trough into which it +had fallen. Remarkable speech; bold in conception; adroit in +arrangement; forcible in argument; lucid in exposition. Spoke for over +an hour, and though his discourse, full of intricate points, the +marshalling of which was frequently interrupted by angry or scornful +cries from below Gangway, JOSEPH had not a scrap of paper in his hand, +did not once refer to a note. + +"Admirable," said GRANDOLPH, looking on with appreciative, though not +loving eyes. "If he had lived in the time of his father JACOB, it would +have been no use his brothers putting him in the pit; he would have +argued himself clean out before they were half a mile on their way back +to the family place in Canaan. Weak part of his position is that he is +trying to serve two Bills, BALFOUR'S and PARNELL'S. Can't recommend +BALFOUR'S scheme without belittling PARNELL'S; same thing other way +about. Reminds me, TOBY, of a passage in WORDSWORTH'S prose writings; +not so much read as his poetry; but daresay you remember it. There was a +Bishop WATSON who began his official career as a Liberal. He was +frightened into Conservatism, and WORDSWORTH, then a hot young youth, +goes for him as youth does sometimes gird at Respectability. 'Upon what +principle,' he asked the Bishop, 'is your conduct to be explained? In +some parts of England it is quaintly said when a drunken man is seen +reeling home, that he has business on both sides of the road. Observing +your Lordship's tortuous path, the spectators will be far from +insinuating that you have partaken of Mr. BOURKE'S intoxicating bowl. +They will content themselves, shaking their heads as you stagger along, +with saying that you have business on both sides of the road.' That's +what's the matter with CHAMBERLAIN. He's very smart, very clever, very +capable; but in politics, dear TOBY, no one ever succeeds who has +business on both sides of the road." + +"What do _you_ think?" I asked CHRISTOPHER SYKES, who stood looking on +with familiar aspect of unutterable wisdom. + +"I wasn't thinking of that at all," he answered, gloomily. "Haven't yet +got over what GEORGE LEWIS said in Court on Saturday. You've heard or +read about it, of course? Took opportunity of observing, that though I +was near sixty years of age, I was very innocent. I may be getting on +for sixty, but I'll tell you what, TOBY, I'm not nearly so innocent as I +look." + +CHRISTOPHER really hurt with GEORGE LEWIS'S aspersion. Comforted him by +hinting that I knew some dreadful things about him. + +"We remember your Crabs and Lobsters Bill," I said, soothingly. "There +was much more in that than met the eye. You're a crafty old CHRISTOPHER; +just the sort of man to take in a fellow like GEORGE LEWIS, who thinks +he knows everything." + +CHRISTOPHER smiled a deep and wicked smile, and strode off in better +spirits. Always like to say a kind word to a man when I can. + +_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill again. + +_Tuesday._--Fight on Land Purchase Bill been going forward again at +Morning Sitting; rather dull, though enlivened by speech from PLUNKET, +who once more reminded House how much it loses by his habitual silence. +At Evening Sitting GRANDOLPH came on with his Licensing Bill. Let eager +politicians and ambitious statesmen arm themselves for combat in the +field of high politics; GRANDOLPH'S only desire is to do a little good +in the world whilst yet he lingers on this level. Nothing new in crusade +against drink. No _kudos_ to be gained; no acclaim of the multitude to +ring in the pleased ear; no cheering clash of party conflict. GRANDOLPH +gives a deprecating twirl to his modest moustache, and takes up his +homely parable. Possibly he does this with the larger content, since he +had his go at the Land Purchase Bill before Debate on Second Reading +opened. His letters, published on eve of Easter recess, hurtled +pleasantly around the heads of his esteemed friends on Treasury Bench. +Could not say anything more or anything better if he joined in debate; +so sits silent through Morning Sitting, and when the shades of evening +fall, he meekly lifts up his voice, expounding a measure of domestic +legislation fraught with permanent interest to the masses. + +"A most promising member of the Band of Hope," says WILFRED LAWSON, +regarding GRANDOLPH with fatherly kindness. "Wonder if I might ask him +to crack a bottle of ginger-beer with me. Will certainly proffer the +hospitality if I get a chance." + +[Illustration: "I'm not nearly so innocent as I look."] + +The grand young GARDNER (_and_ his wife; can complete quotation now) +back again after wedding trip. Doesn't look quite so brisk as the +average bridegroom. "Fact is, old fellow," he said, as I condoled with +him, "when I said I would die a bachelor, I never thought I would live +to be married, go off on a wedding trip, catch the influenza at +Innsbruck, the measles at Milan, the scarlatina at Samarcand, and the +malaria at Mentone." + +_Business done._--Morning Sitting, Irish Land Purchase Bill; Evening, +GRANDOLPH'S Licensing Bill read First Time. + +_Thursday._--Ordinarily amicable proceedings in debate on Irish Land +Purchase Bill varied by accidental but unhappy circumstances. Prince +ARTHUR in course of speech happened to say, that "under Bill of 1886 +Irish Government was supposed to be a buffer between the English +Government and the Irish tenant." Mr. G., sitting attentive, suddenly +sprang up when this insult fell on his ear. Bill of 1886 not a tempting +topic; led to downfall of his Ministry; but to hear it publicly called a +"buffer," more than he could stand--or, rather, sit. Leaped to feet, +and, with thrilling energy, repudiated gross imputation. Prince ARTHUR +taken aback; hadn't meant anything particular. To call a thing or a +person a buffer not necessarily a term of opprobrium. Everything depends +on inflection of tone. Suppose, now, leaning across the table, he had +addressed Mr. G. as "old buffer," that would perhaps have been a little +familiar, but not vindictive. + +This he tried to make clear. Having, as he thought, averted the thunder, +repeated remarks about Bill of 1886 being a buffer. Didn't even put it +in that direct form. + +"I said," he observed with seraphic smile and deferential manner, "that +the Irish Government under the Right Hon. Gentleman's Bill was supposed +to occupy the position, more or less, of a buffer between the English +Government and the Irish tenant." + +Mr. G. up again with catapultic force and suddenness. "Not in the +least," he angrily protested. "A buffer is between two things." + +Expected that would floor Prince ARTHUR; but he came back again, and +sheltering himself behind the brass-bound box, called out, "Yes, but a +buffer might be between two persons as well as between two things." + +Mr. G. angrily shook his head; a Jove-like frown mantled his +countenance. But disdained to pursue controversy further, and Prince +ARTHUR, carefully avoiding further reference to buffers, went his way. +Difference of opinion as to how question was left; Conservatives insist +that Prince ARTHUR had best of it; Liberals stand by Mr. G. Many wonder +why SPEAKER did not interfere; as he did not, it is assumed that buffer +is a Parliamentary word, at least when applied to inanimate creation. + +_Business done._--Second Heading of Irish Land Purchase Bill carried by +348 Votes against 268. + +_Friday._--HARTINGTON suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, blossomed +into effective speech. Of all subjects in world was Disestablishment of +Kirk in Scotland! Calculated to depress most people; brightened +HARTINGTON up beyond all knowledge. His little hit at GLADSTONE, +sheltering himself behind his (HARTINGTON'S) familiar and convenient +declaration, that on Disestablishment Question he would be guided by the +opinion of the majority of the Scotch people, neatly and dexterously +made. Also his reference to the short time when he had honour of being +"at least the nominal Leader of the Liberal Party," and found Mr. G. a +somewhat unruly follower. Most excellent. HARTINGTON should try this +line again. + +_Business done._--Motion for Scotch Disestablishment negatived by 256 +Votes against 218. + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Wednesday, May 7._--_Mr. Punch_ out. Everybody's at home to _him_. + +_Friday 9._--Mrs. DUFFER'S first dance if she knows the step. + +_Saturday 10._--Rehearsal of Crystal Palace fireworks, 2 P.M. Admission +by entrance gates only. + +_Monday 12._--Breakfast to Mr. H. M. STANLEY, at whatever time he orders +it. + +First Meet of H.S. Drags, Serpentine. + +Foot-ball in Rotten Row, by kind permission of GEORGE RANGER and the +Commissioner of Police. + +Mrs. NOODLE'S second dance postponed, as she hasn't given her first yet. + +_Tuesday 13._--Holiday at Zoological Gardens. Cages all open. Admission +free. Banquets, Excursions, and Alarums. + + * * * + +LADY HENRIETTA SISKIN'S Charity Dance has been postponed until the +following week. A large and distinguished company is expected to grace +the mezzotint hall of her ladyship's new mansion in Belgravia on the +occasion. No expense is to be spared in the general decoration of the +supper-room, which was built, it will be remembered, by her ladyship's +great-grandfather in the reign of GEORGE THE THIRD. + + * * * + +A Correspondent furnishes us with the following curious +observations:--"I have noticed," he writes, "that those who walk or ride +in the Park are, generally speaking, of two sexes, and possess, as a +rule, four fingers and a thumb on each hand. By a curious freak of +fashion, a frock-coat is not now worn with a muslin skirt; and a +moustache may be sought for in vain under a sun-bonnet. Horses are +ridden with four legs, and, in some cases, with a tail, although this is +not essential." + + * * * + +It is strange to notice how much the tastes of theatre-goers vary at the +present day. Some prefer the Haymarket, some the Strand, others flock to +the Lyceum, and some are turned away from the Savoy, the Garrick, or the +Avenue. Philosophers have, as yet, paid too little attention to this +matter. Would Mr. HERBERT SPENCER or Mr. LANG oblige? + + * * * + +It has been calculated by the Society for the Collection of Domestic +Data, that if three-fourths of the Cooks of the Metropolis struck work +on any given day, exactly nine-twelfths of the resident employers of +servants would be seriously inconvenienced. + + * * * + +There is but very slight foundation for the report that, if AUGUSTUS +DRURIOLANUS (first so styled in the burlesque on _Claudian_) should be +elected to the Shrievalty, Messrs. HARRY NICHOLLS and HERBERT CAMPBELL +will be the Under-Sheriffs. + + * * * + +A Correspondent lately drew Mr. GL-DST-NE'S attention to the prevalence +of mud after rain, and the consequent injury to carts, collars, and +carriages. The veteran Statesman has found time to send the following +post-card reply, which will be perused with interest:-- + +SIR,--The subject to which you direct my attention is no doubt of +peculiar interest to those in any way connected with the vehicular +traffic by which so much of the commerce and pleasure of the Metropolis +is carried on. In view, however, of the pressing exigencies of the Irish +Question, I cannot do more than take a note of your objections to +mud-spots, leaving to those who may come after me the duty of dealing +practically with your recommendations. + + I am, faithfully yours, W. E. GL-DST-NE. + + * * * + +On the evening when Mr. STANLEY dines with the Turners' Company, where +he is entertained as a Re-Turner, it is hoped that the authorities of +the National Gallery will kindly allow all their Turners to attend. The +history of the Turners' Company is interesting, commencing as it does +with WHITTINGTON, who was the first person (before HENRY IRVING played +it) to hear _The Bells_, and to obey their injunction "to turn again." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +Vol. 98, 1890.05.10, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 30694.txt or 30694.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/6/9/30694/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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