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+Project Gutenberg's Essays on Paul Bourget, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Essays on Paul Bourget
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: August 20, 2006 [EBook #3173]
+Last Updated: February 24, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET ***
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET
+
+by Mark Twain
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+ WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US
+
+ A LITTLE NOTE TO M. PAUL BOURGET
+
+
+
+
+WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US
+
+He reports the American joke correctly. In Boston they ask, How much
+does he know? in New York, How much is he worth? in Philadelphia, Who
+were his parents? And when an alien observer turns his telescope upon
+us--advertisedly in our own special interest--a natural apprehension
+moves us to ask, What is the diameter of his reflector?
+
+I take a great interest in M. Bourget's chapters, for I know by the
+newspapers that there are several Americans who are expecting to get
+a whole education out of them; several who foresaw, and also foretold,
+that our long night was over, and a light almost divine about to break
+upon the land.
+
+ “His utterances concerning us are bound to be weighty and well
+ timed.”
+
+ “He gives us an object-lesson which should be thoughtfully and
+ profitably studied.”
+
+These well-considered and important verdicts were of a nature to restore
+public confidence, which had been disquieted by questionings as to
+whether so young a teacher would be qualified to take so large a class
+as 70,000,000, distributed over so extensive a schoolhouse as America,
+and pull it through without assistance.
+
+I was even disquieted myself, although I am of a cold, calm temperament,
+and not easily disturbed. I feared for my country. And I was not wholly
+tranquilized by the verdicts rendered as above. It seemed to me that
+there was still room for doubt. In fact, in looking the ground over I
+became more disturbed than I was before. Many worrying questions came
+up in my mind. Two were prominent. Where had the teacher gotten his
+equipment? What was his method?
+
+He had gotten his equipment in France.
+
+Then as to his method! I saw by his own intimations that he was
+an Observer, and had a System that used by naturalists and other
+scientists. The naturalist collects many bugs and reptiles and
+butterflies and studies their ways a long time patiently. By this
+means he is presently able to group these creatures into families and
+subdivisions of families by nice shadings of differences observable in
+their characters. Then he labels all those shaded bugs and things with
+nicely descriptive group names, and is now happy, for his great work is
+completed, and as a result he intimately knows every bug and shade of
+a bug there, inside and out. It may be true, but a person who was not a
+naturalist would feel safer about it if he had the opinion of the bug. I
+think it is a pleasant System, but subject to error.
+
+The Observer of Peoples has to be a Classifier, a Grouper, a Deducer, a
+Generalizer, a Psychologizer; and, first and last, a Thinker. He has
+to be all these, and when he is at home, observing his own folk, he is
+often able to prove competency. But history has shown that when he is
+abroad observing unfamiliar peoples the chances are heavily against
+him. He is then a naturalist observing a bug, with no more than a
+naturalist's chance of being able to tell the bug anything new about
+itself, and no more than a naturalist's chance of being able to teach it
+any new ways which it will prefer to its own.
+
+To return to that first question. M. Bourget, as teacher, would simply
+be France teaching America. It seemed to me that the outlook was
+dark--almost Egyptian, in fact. What would the new teacher, representing
+France, teach us? Railroading? No. France knows nothing valuable about
+railroading. Steamshipping? No. France has no superiorities over us in
+that matter. Steamboating? No. French steamboating is still of
+Fulton's date--1809. Postal service? No. France is a back number
+there. Telegraphy? No, we taught her that ourselves. Journalism? No.
+Magazining? No, that is our own specialty. Government? No; Liberty,
+Equality, Fraternity, Nobility, Democracy, Adultery the system is too
+variegated for our climate. Religion? No, not variegated enough for
+our climate. Morals? No, we cannot rob the poor to enrich ourselves.
+Novel-writing? No. M. Bourget and the others know only one plan, and
+when that is expurgated there is nothing left of the book.
+
+I wish I could think what he is going to teach us. Can it be Deportment?
+But he experimented in that at Newport and failed to give satisfaction,
+except to a few. Those few are pleased. They are enjoying their joy as
+well as they can. They confess their happiness to the interviewer. They
+feel pretty striped, but they remember with reverent recognition that
+they had sugar between the cuts. True, sugar with sand in it, but sugar.
+And true, they had some trouble to tell which was sugar and which was
+sand, because the sugar itself looked just like the sand, and also had
+a gravelly taste; still, they knew that the sugar was there, and would
+have been very good sugar indeed if it had been screened. Yes, they are
+pleased; not noisily so, but pleased; invaded, or streaked, as one may
+say, with little recurrent shivers of joy--subdued joy, so to speak, not
+the overdone kind. And they commune together, these, and massage each
+other with comforting sayings, in a sweet spirit of resignation and
+thankfulness, mixing these elements in the same proportions as the sugar
+and the sand, as a memorial, and saying, the one to the other, and to
+the interviewer: “It was severe--yes, it was bitterly severe; but oh,
+how true it was; and it will do us so much good!”
+
+If it isn't Deportment, what is left? It was at this point that I seemed
+to get on the right track at last. M. Bourget would teach us to know
+ourselves; that was it: he would reveal us to ourselves. That would
+be an education. He would explain us to ourselves. Then we
+should understand ourselves; and after that be able to go on more
+intelligently.
+
+It seemed a doubtful scheme. He could explain us to himself--that would
+be easy. That would be the same as the naturalist explaining the bug to
+himself. But to explain the bug to the bug--that is quite a different
+matter. The bug may not know himself perfectly, but he knows himself
+better than the naturalist can know him, at any rate.
+
+A foreigner can photograph the exteriors of a nation, but I think that
+that is as far as he can get. I think that no foreigner can report its
+interior--its soul, its life, its speech, its thought. I think that a
+knowledge of these things is acquirable in only one way; not two or four
+or six--absorption; years and years of unconscious absorption; years
+and years of intercourse with the life concerned; of living it, indeed;
+sharing personally in its shames and prides, its joys and griefs,
+its loves and hates, its prosperities and reverses, its shows and
+shabbinesses, its deep patriotisms, its whirlwinds of political passion,
+its adorations--of flag, and heroic dead, and the glory of the national
+name. Observation? Of what real value is it? One learns peoples through
+the heart, not the eyes or the intellect.
+
+There is only one expert who is qualified to examine the souls and the
+life of a people and make a valuable report--the native novelist. This
+expert is so rare that the most populous country can never have fifteen
+conspicuously and confessedly competent ones in stock at one time.
+This native specialist is not qualified to begin work until he has
+been absorbing during twenty-five years. How much of his competency is
+derived from conscious “observation”? The amount is so slight that it
+counts for next to nothing in the equipment. Almost the whole capital
+of the novelist is the slow accumulation of unconscious
+observation--absorption. The native expert's intentional observation
+of manners, speech, character, and ways of life can have value, for the
+native knows what they mean without having to cipher out the meaning.
+But I should be astonished to see a foreigner get at the right meanings,
+catch the elusive shades of these subtle things. Even the native
+novelist becomes a foreigner, with a foreigner's limitations, when he
+steps from the State whose life is familiar to him into a State
+whose life he has not lived. Bret Harte got his California and his
+Californians by unconscious absorption, and put both of them into his
+tales alive. But when he came from the Pacific to the Atlantic and tried
+to do Newport life from study-conscious observation--his failure
+was absolutely monumental. Newport is a disastrous place for the
+unacclimated observer, evidently.
+
+To return to novel-building. Does the native novelist try to generalize
+the nation? No, he lays plainly before you the ways and speech and life
+of a few people grouped in a certain place--his own place--and that is
+one book. In time he and his brethren will report to you the life and
+the people of the whole nation--the life of a group in a New England
+village; in a New York village; in a Texan village; in an Oregon
+village; in villages in fifty States and Territories; then the farm-life
+in fifty States and Territories; a hundred patches of life and groups
+of people in a dozen widely separated cities. And the Indians will be
+attended to; and the cowboys; and the gold and silver miners; and the
+negroes; and the Idiots and Congressmen; and the Irish, the Germans, the
+Italians, the Swedes, the French, the Chinamen, the Greasers; and the
+Catholics, the Methodists, the Presbyterians, the Congregationalists,
+the Baptists, the Spiritualists, the Mormons, the Shakers, the Quakers,
+the Jews, the Campbellites, the infidels, the Christian Scientists, the
+Mind-Curists, the Faith-Curists, the train-robbers, the White Caps, the
+Moonshiners. And when a thousand able novels have been written, there
+you have the soul of the people, the life of the people, the speech of
+the people; and not anywhere else can these be had. And the shadings of
+character, manners, feelings, ambitions, will be infinite.
+
+ “'The nature of a people' is always of a similar shade in its
+ vices and its virtues, in its frivolities and in its labor.
+ 'It is this physiognomy which it is necessary to discover',
+ and every document is good, from the hall of a casino to the
+ church, from the foibles of a fashionable woman to the
+ suggestions of a revolutionary leader. I am therefore quite
+ sure that this 'American soul', the principal interest and the
+ great object of my voyage, appears behind the records of
+ Newport for those who choose to see it.”--M. Paul Bourget.
+
+[The italics ['') are mine.] It is a large contract which he has
+undertaken. “Records” is a pretty poor word there, but I think the use
+of it is due to hasty translation. In the original the word is 'fastes'.
+I think M. Bourget meant to suggest that he expected to find the great
+“American soul” secreted behind the ostentations of Newport; and that
+he was going to get it out and examine it, and generalize it, and
+psychologize it, and make it reveal to him its hidden vast mystery:
+“the nature of the people” of the United States of America. We have been
+accused of being a nation addicted to inventing wild schemes. I trust
+that we shall be allowed to retire to second place now.
+
+There isn't a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled
+“American.” There isn't a single human ambition, or religious trend, or
+drift of thought, or peculiarity of education, or code of principles, or
+breed of folly, or style of conversation, or preference for a particular
+subject for discussion, or form of legs or trunk or head or face or
+expression or complexion, or gait, or dress, or manners, or disposition,
+or any other human detail, inside or outside, that can rationally be
+generalized as “American.”
+
+Whenever you have found what seems to be an “American” peculiarity, you
+have only to cross a frontier or two, or go down or up in the social
+scale, and you perceive that it has disappeared. And you can cross the
+Atlantic and find it again. There may be a Newport religious drift, or
+sporting drift, or conversational style or complexion, or cut of face,
+but there are entire empires in America, north, south, east, and west,
+where you could not find your duplicates. It is the same with everything
+else which one might propose to call “American.” M. Bourget thinks he
+has found the American Coquette. If he had really found her he would
+also have found, I am sure, that she was not new, that she exists in
+other lands in the same forms, and with the same frivolous heart and the
+same ways and impulses. I think this because I have seen our coquette; I
+have seen her in life; better still, I have seen her in our novels, and
+seen her twin in foreign novels. I wish M. Bourget had seen ours. He
+thought he saw her. And so he applied his System to her. She was a
+Species. So he gathered a number of samples of what seemed to be her,
+and put them under his glass, and divided them into groups which
+he calls “types,” and labeled them in his usual scientific way with
+“formulas”--brief sharp descriptive flashes that make a person blink,
+sometimes, they are so sudden and vivid. As a rule they are pretty
+far-fetched, but that is not an important matter; they surprise, they
+compel admiration, and I notice by some of the comments which his
+efforts have called forth that they deceive the unwary. Here are a few
+of the coquette variants which he has grouped and labeled:
+
+ THE COLLECTOR.
+ THE EQUILIBREE.
+ THE PROFESSIONAL BEAUTY.
+ THE BLUFFER.
+ THE GIRL-BOY.
+
+If he had stopped with describing these characters we should have been
+obliged to believe that they exist; that they exist, and that he has
+seen them and spoken with them. But he did not stop there; he went
+further and furnished to us light-throwing samples of their behavior,
+and also light-throwing samples of their speeches. He entered those
+things in his note-book without suspicion, he takes them out and
+delivers them to the world with a candor and simplicity which show that
+he believed them genuine. They throw altogether too much light. They
+reveal to the native the origin of his find. I suppose he knows how he
+came to make that novel and captivating discovery, by this time. If he
+does not, any American can tell him--any American to whom he will show
+his anecdotes. It was “put up” on him, as we say. It was a jest--to be
+plain, it was a series of frauds. To my mind it was a poor sort of jest,
+witless and contemptible. The players of it have their reward, such as
+it is; they have exhibited the fact that whatever they may be they are
+not ladies. M. Bourget did not discover a type of coquette; he merely
+discovered a type of practical joker. One may say the type of practical
+joker, for these people are exactly alike all over the world. Their
+equipment is always the same: a vulgar mind, a puerile wit, a cruel
+disposition as a rule, and always the spirit of treachery.
+
+In his Chapter IV. M. Bourget has two or three columns gravely devoted
+to the collating and examining and psychologizing of these sorry
+little frauds. One is not moved to laugh. There is nothing funny in
+the situation; it is only pathetic. The stranger gave those people his
+confidence, and they dishonorably treated him in return.
+
+But one must be allowed to suspect that M. Bourget was a little to blame
+himself. Even a practical joker has some little judgment. He has to
+exercise some degree of sagacity in selecting his prey if he would save
+himself from getting into trouble. In my time I have seldom seen such
+daring things marketed at any price as these conscienceless folk have
+worked off at par on this confiding observer. It compels the conviction
+that there was something about him that bred in those speculators a
+quite unusual sense of safety, and encouraged them to strain their
+powers in his behalf. They seem to have satisfied themselves that all
+he wanted was “significant” facts, and that he was not accustomed to
+examine the source whence they proceeded. It is plain that there was a
+sort of conspiracy against him almost from the start--a conspiracy to
+freight him up with all the strange extravagances those people's decayed
+brains could invent.
+
+The lengths to which they went are next to incredible. They told him
+things which surely would have excited any one else's suspicion, but
+they did not excite his. Consider this:
+
+ “There is not in all the United States an entirely nude
+ statue.”
+
+If an angel should come down and say such a thing about heaven, a
+reasonably cautious observer would take that angel's number and inquire
+a little further before he added it to his catch. What does the present
+observer do? Adds it. Adds it at once. Adds it, and labels it with this
+innocent comment:
+
+ “This small fact is strangely significant.”
+
+It does seem to me that this kind of observing is defective.
+
+Here is another curiosity which some liberal person made him a present
+of. I should think it ought to have disturbed the deep slumber of his
+suspicion a little, but it didn't. It was a note from a fog-horn for
+strenuousness, it seems to me, but the doomed voyager did not catch it.
+If he had but caught it, it would have saved him from several disasters:
+
+ “If the American knows that you are traveling to take notes, he
+ is interested in it, and at the same time rejoices in it, as in
+ a tribute.”
+
+Again, this is defective observation. It is human to like to be praised;
+one can even notice it in the French. But it is not human to like to
+be ridiculed, even when it comes in the form of a “tribute.” I think a
+little psychologizing ought to have come in there. Something like this:
+A dog does not like to be ridiculed, a redskin does not like to be
+ridiculed, a negro does not like to be ridiculed, a Chinaman does not
+like to be ridiculed; let us deduce from these significant facts this
+formula: the American's grade being higher than these, and the chain-of
+argument stretching unbroken all the way up to him, there is room for
+suspicion that the person who said the American likes to be ridiculed,
+and regards it as a tribute, is not a capable observer.
+
+I feel persuaded that in the matter of psychologizing, a professional
+is too apt to yield to the fascinations of the loftier regions of that
+great art, to the neglect of its lowlier walks. Every now and then, at
+half-hour intervals, M. Bourget collects a hatful of airy inaccuracies
+and dissolves them in a panful of assorted abstractions, and runs the
+charge into a mould and turns you out a compact principle which will
+explain an American girl, or an American woman, or why new people yearn
+for old things, or any other impossible riddle which a person wants
+answered.
+
+It seems to be conceded that there are a few human peculiarities that
+can be generalized and located here and there in the world and named
+by the name of the nation where they are found. I wonder what they are.
+Perhaps one of them is temperament. One speaks of French vivacity
+and German gravity and English stubbornness. There is no American
+temperament. The nearest that one can come at it is to say there are
+two--the composed Northern and the impetuous Southern; and both are
+found in other countries. Morals? Purity of women may fairly be called
+universal with us, but that is the case in some other countries. We have
+no monopoly of it; it cannot be named American. I think that there is
+but a single specialty with us, only one thing that can be called by the
+wide name “American.” That is the national devotion to ice-water. All
+Germans drink beer, but the British nation drinks beer, too; so neither
+of those peoples is the beer-drinking nation. I suppose we do stand
+alone in having a drink that nobody likes but ourselves. When we have
+been a month in Europe we lose our craving for it, and we finally tell
+the hotel folk that they needn't provide it any more. Yet we hardly
+touch our native shore again, winter or summer, before we are eager for
+it. The reasons for this state of things have not been psychologized
+yet. I drop the hint and say no more.
+
+It is my belief that there are some “national” traits and things
+scattered about the world that are mere superstitions, frauds that have
+lived so long that they have the solid look of facts. One of them is
+the dogma that the French are the only chaste people in the world. Ever
+since I arrived in France this last time I have been accumulating doubts
+about that; and before I leave this sunny land again I will gather in a
+few random statistics and psychologize the plausibilities out of it. If
+people are to come over to America and find fault with our girls and
+our women, and psychologize every little thing they do, and try to teach
+them how to behave, and how to cultivate themselves up to where one
+cannot tell them from the French model, I intend to find out whether
+those missionaries are qualified or not. A nation ought always to
+examine into this detail before engaging the teacher for good. This last
+one has let fall a remark which renewed those doubts of mine when I read
+it:
+
+ “In our high Parisian existence, for instance, we find applied
+ to arts and luxury, and to debauchery, all the powers and all
+ the weaknesses of the French soul.”
+
+You see, it amounts to a trade with the French soul; a profession; a
+science; the serious business of life, so to speak, in our high Parisian
+existence. I do not quite like the look of it. I question if it can be
+taught with profit in our country, except, of course, to those pathetic,
+neglected minds that are waiting there so yearningly for the education
+which M. Bourget is going to furnish them from the serene summits of our
+high Parisian life.
+
+I spoke a moment ago of the existence of some superstitions that have
+been parading the world as facts this long time. For instance,
+consider the Dollar. The world seems to think that the love of money is
+“American”; and that the mad desire to get suddenly rich is “American.”
+ I believe that both of these things are merely and broadly human, not
+American monopolies at all. The love of money is natural to all nations,
+for money is a good and strong friend. I think that this love has
+existed everywhere, ever since the Bible called it the root of all evil.
+
+I think that the reason why we Americans seem to be so addicted to
+trying to get rich suddenly is merely because the opportunity to make
+promising efforts in that direction has offered itself to us with a
+frequency out of all proportion to the European experience. For eighty
+years this opportunity has been offering itself in one new town or
+region after another straight westward, step by step, all the way from
+the Atlantic coast to the Pacific. When a mechanic could buy ten town
+lots on tolerably long credit for ten months' savings out of his wages,
+and reasonably expect to sell them in a couple of years for ten times
+what he gave for them, it was human for him to try the venture, and
+he did it no matter what his nationality was. He would have done it in
+Europe or China if he had had the same chance.
+
+In the flush times in the silver regions a cook or any other humble
+worker stood a very good chance to get rich out of a trifle of money
+risked in a stock deal; and that person promptly took that risk, no
+matter what his or her nationality might be. I was there, and saw it.
+
+But these opportunities have not been plenty in our Southern States; so
+there you have a prodigious region where the rush for sudden wealth is
+almost an unknown thing--and has been, from the beginning.
+
+Europe has offered few opportunities for poor Tom, Dick, and Harry;
+but when she has offered one, there has been no noticeable difference
+between European eagerness and American. England saw this in the wild
+days of the Railroad King; France saw it in 1720--time of Law and the
+Mississippi Bubble. I am sure I have never seen in the gold and silver
+mines any madness, fury, frenzy to get suddenly rich which was even
+remotely comparable to that which raged in France in the Bubble day.
+If I had a cyclopaedia here I could turn to that memorable case, and
+satisfy nearly anybody that the hunger for the sudden dollar is no
+more “American” than it is French. And if I could furnish an American
+opportunity to staid Germany, I think I could wake her up like a house
+afire.
+
+But I must return to the Generalizations, Psychologizings, Deductions.
+When M. Bourget is exploiting these arts, it is then that he is
+peculiarly and particularly himself. His ways are wholly original when
+he encounters a trait or a custom which is new to him. Another person
+would merely examine the find, verify it, estimate its value, and let it
+go; but that is not sufficient for M. Bourget: he always wants to know
+why that thing exists, he wants to know how it came to happen; and he
+will not let go of it until he has found out. And in every instance he
+will find that reason where no one but himself would have thought
+of looking for it. He does not seem to care for a reason that is not
+picturesquely located; one might almost say picturesquely and impossibly
+located.
+
+He found out that in America men do not try to hunt down young married
+women. At once, as usual, he wanted to know why. Any one could have told
+him. He could have divined it by the lights thrown by the novels of
+the country. But no, he preferred to find out for himself. He has a
+trustfulness as regards men and facts which is fine and unusual; he is
+not particular about the source of a fact, he is not particular about
+the character and standing of the fact itself; but when it comes to
+pounding out the reason for the existence of the fact, he will trust no
+one but himself.
+
+In the present instance here was his fact: American young married women
+are not pursued by the corruptor; and here was the question: What is it
+that protects her?
+
+It seems quite unlikely that that problem could have offered
+difficulties to any but a trained philosopher. Nearly any person would
+have said to M. Bourget: “Oh, that is very simple. It is very seldom in
+America that a marriage is made on a commercial basis; our marriages,
+from the beginning, have been made for love; and where love is there is
+no room for the corruptor.”
+
+Now, it is interesting to see the formidable way in which M.
+Bourget went at that poor, humble little thing. He moved upon it in
+column--three columns--and with artillery.
+
+“Two reasons of a very different kind explain”--that fact.
+
+And now that I have got so far, I am almost afraid to say what his
+two reasons are, lest I be charged with inventing them. But I will not
+retreat now; I will condense them and print them, giving my word that I
+am honest and not trying to deceive any one.
+
+1. Young married women are protected from the approaches of the seducer
+in New England and vicinity by the diluted remains of a prudence created
+by a Puritan law of two hundred years ago, which for a while punished
+adultery with death.
+
+2. And young married women of the other forty or fifty States are
+protected by laws which afford extraordinary facilities for divorce.
+
+If I have not lost my mind I have accurately conveyed those two Vesuvian
+irruptions of philosophy. But the reader can consult Chapter IV. of
+'Outre-Mer', and decide for himself. Let us examine this paralyzing
+Deduction or Explanation by the light of a few sane facts.
+
+1. This universality of “protection” has existed in our country from the
+beginning; before the death penalty existed in New England, and during
+all the generations that have dragged by since it was annulled.
+
+2. Extraordinary facilities for divorce are of such recent creation that
+any middle-aged American can remember a time when such things had not
+yet been thought of.
+
+Let us suppose that the first easy divorce law went into effect
+forty years ago, and got noised around and fairly started in business
+thirty-five years ago, when we had, say, 25,000,000 of white population.
+Let us suppose that among 5,000,000 of them the young married women were
+“protected” by the surviving shudder of that ancient Puritan scare--what
+is M. Bourget going to do about those who lived among the 20,000,000?
+They were clean in their morals, they were pure, yet there was no easy
+divorce law to protect them.
+
+Awhile ago I said that M. Bourget's method of truth-seeking--hunting for
+it in out-of-the-way places--was new; but that was an error. I
+remember that when Leverrier discovered the Milky Way, he and the other
+astronomers began to theorize about it in substantially the same fashion
+which M. Bourget employs in his reasonings about American social facts
+and their origin. Leverrier advanced the hypothesis that the Milky
+Way was caused by gaseous protoplasmic emanations from the field of
+Waterloo, which, ascending to an altitude determinable by their
+own specific gravity, became luminous through the development and
+exposure--by the natural processes of animal decay--of the phosphorus
+contained in them.
+
+This theory was warmly complimented by Ptolemy, who, however, after much
+thought and research, decided that he could not accept it as final. His
+own theory was that the Milky Way was an emigration of lightning bugs;
+and he supported and reinforced this theorem by the well-known fact that
+the locusts do like that in Egypt.
+
+Giordano Bruno also was outspoken in his praises of Leverrier's
+important contribution to astronomical science, and was at first
+inclined to regard it as conclusive; but later, conceiving it to be
+erroneous, he pronounced against it, and advanced the hypothesis that
+the Milky Way was a detachment or corps of stars which became arrested
+and held in 'suspenso suspensorum' by refraction of gravitation while on
+the march to join their several constellations; a proposition for which
+he was afterwards burned at the stake in Jacksonville, Illinois.
+
+These were all brilliant and picturesque theories, and each was received
+with enthusiasm by the scientific world; but when a New England farmer,
+who was not a thinker, but only a plain sort of person who tried to
+account for large facts in simple ways, came out with the opinion that
+the Milky Way was just common, ordinary stars, and was put where it was
+because God “wanted to hev it so,” the admirable idea fell perfectly
+flat.
+
+As a literary artist, M. Bourget is as fresh and striking as he is as
+a scientific one. He says, “Above all, I do not believe much in
+anecdotes.”
+
+Why? “In history they are all false”--a sufficiently broad
+statement--“in literature all libelous”--also a sufficiently sweeping
+statement, coming from a critic who notes that we are “a people who are
+peculiarly extravagant in our language--” and when it is a matter of
+social life, “almost all biased.” It seems to amount to stultification,
+almost. He has built two or three breeds of American coquettes out
+of anecdotes--mainly “biased” ones, I suppose; and, as they occur “in
+literature,” furnished by his pen, they must be “all libelous.” Or did
+he mean not in literature or anecdotes about literature or literary
+people? I am not able to answer that. Perhaps the original would be
+clearer, but I have only the translation of this installment by me. I
+think the remark had an intention; also that this intention was booked
+for the trip; but that either in the hurry of the remark's departure
+it got left, or in the confusion of changing cars at the translator's
+frontier it got side-tracked.
+
+“But on the other hand I believe in statistics; and those on divorces
+appear to me to be most conclusive.” And he sets himself the task of
+explaining--in a couple of columns--the process by which Easy-Divorce
+conceived, invented, originated, developed, and perfected an
+empire-embracing condition of sexual purity in the States. IN 40 YEARS.
+No, he doesn't state the interval. With all his passion for statistics
+he forgot to ask how long it took to produce this gigantic miracle.
+
+I have followed his pleasant but devious trail through those columns,
+but I was not able to get hold of his argument and find out what it
+was. I was not even able to find out where it left off. It seemed to
+gradually dissolve and flow off into other matters. I followed it
+with interest, for I was anxious to learn how easy-divorce eradicated
+adultery in America, but I was disappointed; I have no idea yet how
+it did it. I only know it didn't. But that is not valuable; I knew it
+before.
+
+Well, humor is the great thing, the saving thing, after all. The
+minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and
+resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. And so,
+when M. Bourget said that bright thing about our grandfathers, I broke
+all up. I remember exploding its American countermine once, under
+that grand hero, Napoleon. He was only First Consul then, and I was
+Consul-General--for the United States, of course; but we were very
+intimate, notwithstanding the difference in rank, for I waived that. One
+day something offered the opening, and he said:
+
+“Well, General, I suppose life can never get entirely dull to an
+American, because whenever he can't strike up any other way to put in
+his time he can always get away with a few years trying to find out who
+his grandfather was!”
+
+I fairly shouted, for I had never heard it sound better; and then I was
+back at him as quick as a flash--“Right, your Excellency! But I reckon
+a Frenchman's got his little stand-by for a dull time, too; because when
+all other interests fail he can turn in and see if he can't find out who
+his father was!”
+
+Well, you should have heard him just whoop, and cackle, and carry on! He
+reached up and hit me one on the shoulder, and says:
+
+“Land, but it's good! It's im-mensely good! I'George, I never heard it
+said so good in my life before! Say it again.”
+
+So I said it again, and he said his again, and I said mine again, and
+then he did, and then I did, and then he did, and we kept on doing it,
+and doing it, and I never had such a good time, and he said the same. In
+my opinion there isn't anything that is as killing as one of those dear
+old ripe pensioners if you know how to snatch it out in a kind of a
+fresh sort of original way.
+
+But I wish M. Bourget had read more of our novels before he came. It
+is the only way to thoroughly understand a people. When I found I was
+coming to Paris, I read 'La Terre'.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A LITTLE NOTE TO M. PAUL BOURGET
+
+ [The preceding squib was assailed in the North American Review
+ in an article entitled “Mark Twain and Paul Bourget,” by Max
+ O'Rell. The following little note is a Rejoinder to that
+ article. It is possible that the position assumed here--that
+ M. Bourget dictated the O'Rell article himself--is untenable.]
+
+You have every right, my dear M. Bourget, to retort upon me by
+dictation, if you prefer that method to writing at me with your pen; but
+if I may say it without hurt--and certainly I mean no offence--I believe
+you would have acquitted yourself better with the pen. With the pen
+you are at home; it is your natural weapon; you use it with grace,
+eloquence, charm, persuasiveness, when men are to be convinced, and with
+formidable effect when they have earned a castigation. But I am sure
+I see signs in the above article that you are either unaccustomed
+to dictating or are out of practice. If you will re-read it you will
+notice, yourself, that it lacks definiteness; that it lacks purpose;
+that it lacks coherence; that it lacks a subject to talk about; that it
+is loose and wabbly; that it wanders around; that it loses itself early
+and does not find itself any more. There are some other defects, as you
+will notice, but I think I have named the main ones. I feel sure that
+they are all due to your lack of practice in dictating.
+
+Inasmuch as you had not signed it I had the impression at first that
+you had not dictated it. But only for a moment. Certain quite simple and
+definite facts reminded me that the article had to come from you, for
+the reason that it could not come from any one else without a specific
+invitation from you or from me. I mean, it could not except as an
+intrusion, a transgression of the law which forbids strangers to mix
+into a private dispute between friends, unasked.
+
+Those simple and definite facts were these: I had published an article
+in this magazine, with you for my subject; just you yourself; I stuck
+strictly to that one subject, and did not interlard any other. No one,
+of course, could call me to account but you alone, or your authorized
+representative. I asked some questions--asked them of myself. I answered
+them myself. My article was thirteen pages long, and all devoted to you;
+devoted to you, and divided up in this way: one page of guesses as to
+what subjects you would instruct us in, as teacher; one page of doubts
+as to the effectiveness of your method of examining us and our ways; two
+or three pages of criticism of your method, and of certain results which
+it furnished you; two or three pages of attempts to show the justness
+of these same criticisms; half a dozen pages made up of slight
+fault-findings with certain minor details of your literary workmanship,
+of extracts from your 'Outre-Mer' and comments upon them; then I closed
+with an anecdote. I repeat--for certain reasons--that I closed with an
+anecdote.
+
+When I was asked by this magazine if I wished to “answer” a “reply”
+ to that article of mine, I said “yes,” and waited in Paris for the
+proof-sheets of the “reply” to come. I already knew, by the cablegram,
+that the “reply” would not be signed by you, but upon reflection I knew
+it would be dictated by you, because no volunteer would feel himself at
+liberty to assume your championship in a private dispute, unasked,
+in view of the fact that you are quite well able to take care of your
+matters of that sort yourself and are not in need of any one's help.
+No, a volunteer could not make such a venture. It would be too immodest.
+Also too gratuitously generous. And a shade too self-sufficient. No, he
+could not venture it. It would look too much like anxiety to get in at a
+feast where no plate had been provided for him. In fact he could not get
+in at all, except by the back way, and with a false key; that is to say,
+a pretext--a pretext invented for the occasion by putting into my mouth
+words which I did not use, and by wresting sayings of mine from their
+plain and true meaning. Would he resort to methods like those to get
+in? No; there are no people of that kind. So then I knew for a certainty
+that you dictated the Reply yourself. I knew you did it to save yourself
+manual labor.
+
+And you had the right, as I have already said and I am
+content--perfectly content.
+
+Yet it would have been little trouble to you, and a great kindness to
+me, if you had written your Reply all out with your own capable hand.
+
+Because then it would have replied--and that is really what a Reply is
+for. Broadly speaking, its function is to refute--as you will easily
+concede. That leaves something for the other person to take hold of:
+he has a chance to reply to the Reply, he has a chance to refute the
+refutation. This would have happened if you had written it out instead
+of dictating. Dictating is nearly sure to unconcentrate the dictator's
+mind, when he is out of practice, confuse him, and betray him into using
+one set of literary rules when he ought to use a quite different set.
+Often it betrays him into employing the RULES FOR CONVERSATION BETWEEN
+A SHOUTER AND A DEAF PERSON--as in the present case--when he ought to
+employ the RULES FOR CONDUCTING DISCUSSION WITH A FAULT-FINDER.
+The great foundation-rule and basic principle of discussion with a
+fault-finder is relevancy and concentration upon the subject; whereas
+the great foundation-rule and basic principle governing conversation
+between a shouter and a deaf person is irrelevancy and persistent
+desertion of the topic in hand. If I may be allowed to illustrate by
+quoting example IV., section 7 from chapter ix. of “Revised Rules for
+Conducting Conversation between a Shouter and a Deaf Person,” it will
+assist us in getting a clear idea of the difference between the two sets
+of rules:
+
+Shouter. Did you say his name is WETHERBY?
+
+Deaf Person. Change? Yes, I think it will. Though if it should clear off
+I--
+
+Shouter. It's his NAME I want--his NAME.
+
+Deaf Person. Maybe so, maybe so; but it will only be a shower, I think.
+
+Shouter. No, no, no!--you have quite misunderSTOOD me. If--
+
+Deaf Person. Ah! GOOD morning; I am sorry you must go. But call again,
+and let me continue to be of assistance to you in every way I can.
+
+
+You see it is a perfect kodak of the article you have dictated. It is
+really curious and interesting when you come to compare it with yours;
+in detail, with my former article to which it is a Reply in your hand.
+I talk twelve pages about your American instruction projects, and your
+doubtful scientific system, and your painstaking classification of
+nonexistent things, and your diligence and zeal and sincerity, and your
+disloyal attitude towards anecdotes, and your undue reverence for unsafe
+statistics and for facts that lack a pedigree; and you turn around and
+come back at me with eight pages of weather.
+
+I do not see how a person can act so. It is good of you to repeat, with
+change of language, in the bulk of your rejoinder, so much of my own
+article, and adopt my sentiments, and make them over, and put new
+buttons on; and I like the compliment, and am frank to say so; but
+agreeing with a person cripples controversy and ought not to be allowed.
+It is weather; and of almost the worst sort. It pleases me greatly to
+hear you discourse with such approval and expansiveness upon my text:
+
+“A foreigner can photograph the exteriors of a nation, but I think
+that is as far as he can get. I think that no foreigner can report its
+interior;”--[And you say: “A man of average intelligence, who has
+passed six months among a people, cannot express opinions that are worth
+jotting down, but he can form impressions that are worth repeating. For
+my part, I think that foreigners' impressions are more interesting
+than native opinions. After all, such impressions merely mean 'how the
+country struck the foreigner.'”]--which is a quite clear way of saying
+that a foreigner's report is only valuable when it restricts itself to
+impressions. It pleases me to have you follow my lead in that glowing
+way, but it leaves me nothing to combat. You should give me something to
+deny and refute; I would do as much for you.
+
+It pleases me to have you playfully warn the public against taking one
+of your books seriously.--[When I published Jonathan and his Continent,
+I wrote in a preface addressed to Jonathan: “If ever you should insist
+in seeing in this little volume a serious study of your country and of
+your countrymen, I warn you that your world-wide fame for humor will be
+exploded.”]--Because I used to do that cunning thing myself in earlier
+days. I did it in a prefatory note to a book of mine called Tom Sawyer.
+
+
+ NOTICE.
+
+ Persons attempting to find a motive in
+ this narrative will be prosecuted;
+ persons attempting to find a moral in it
+ will be banished; persons attempting to
+ find a plot in it will be shot.
+ BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR
+ PER G. G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE.
+
+
+The kernel is the same in both prefaces, you see--the public must
+not take us too seriously. If we remove that kernel we remove the
+life-principle, and the preface is a corpse. Yes, it pleases me to have
+you use that idea, for it is a high compliment. But it leaves me nothing
+to combat; and that is damage to me.
+
+Am I seeming to say that your Reply is not a reply at all, M. Bourget?
+If so, I must modify that; it is too sweeping. For you have furnished
+a general answer to my inquiry as to what France through you--can teach
+us.--[“What could France teach America!” exclaims Mark Twain. France
+can teach America all the higher pursuits of life, and there is more
+artistic feeling and refinement in a street of French workingmen than in
+many avenues inhabited by American millionaires. She can teach her, not
+perhaps how to work, but how to rest, how to live, how to be happy.
+She can teach her that the aim of life is not money-making, but that
+money-making is only a means to obtain an end. She can teach her
+that wives are not expensive toys, but useful partners, friends, and
+confidants, who should always keep men under their wholesome
+influence by their diplomacy, their tact, their common-sense, without
+bumptiousness. These qualities, added to the highest standard of
+morality (not angular and morose, but cheerful morality), are conceded
+to Frenchwomen by whoever knows something of French life outside of the
+Paris boulevards, and Mark Twain's ill-natured sneer cannot even so much
+as stain them.
+
+I might tell Mark Twain that in France a man who was seen tipsy in his
+club would immediately see his name canceled from membership. A man who
+had settled his fortune on his wife to avoid meeting his creditors would
+be refused admission into any decent society. Many a Frenchman has blown
+his brains out rather than declare himself a bankrupt. Now would Mark
+Twain remark to this: 'An American is not such a fool: when a creditor
+stands in his way he closes his doors, and reopens them the following
+day. When he has been a bankrupt three times he can retire from
+business?']--It is a good answer.
+
+It relates to manners, customs, and morals--three things concerning
+which we can never have exhaustive and determinate statistics, and so
+the verdicts delivered upon them must always lack conclusiveness and be
+subject to revision; but you have stated the truth, possibly, as nearly
+as any one could do it, in the circumstances. But why did you choose a
+detail of my question which could be answered only with vague hearsay
+evidence, and go right by one which could have been answered with deadly
+facts?--facts in everybody's reach, facts which none can dispute. I
+asked what France could teach us about government. I laid myself pretty
+wide open, there; and I thought I was handsomely generous, too, when
+I did it. France can teach us how to levy village and city taxes which
+distribute the burden with a nearer approach to perfect fairness than is
+the case in any other land; and she can teach us the wisest and surest
+system of collecting them that exists. She can teach us how to elect
+a President in a sane way; and also how to do it without throwing the
+country into earthquakes and convulsions that cripple and embarrass
+business, stir up party hatred in the hearts of men, and make peaceful
+people wish the term extended to thirty years. France can teach us--but
+enough of that part of the question. And what else can France teach
+us? She can teach us all the fine arts--and does. She throws open her
+hospitable art academies, and says to us, “Come”--and we come, troops
+and troops of our young and gifted; and she sets over us the ablest
+masters in the world and bearing the greatest names; and she, teaches us
+all that we are capable of learning, and persuades us and encourages us
+with prizes and honors, much as if we were somehow children of her own;
+and when this noble education is finished and we are ready to carry it
+home and spread its gracious ministries abroad over our nation, and we
+come with homage and gratitude and ask France for the bill--there is
+nothing to pay. And in return for this imperial generosity, what does
+America do? She charges a duty on French works of art!
+
+I wish I had your end of this dispute; I should have something worth
+talking about. If you would only furnish me something to argue,
+something to refute--but you persistently won't. You leave good
+chances unutilized and spend your strength in proving and establishing
+unimportant things. For instance, you have proven and established these
+eight facts here following--a good score as to number, but not worth
+while:
+
+Mark Twain is--
+
+1. “Insulting.”
+
+2. (Sarcastically speaking) “This refined humorist.”
+
+3. Prefers the manure-pile to the violets.
+
+4. Has uttered “an ill-natured sneer.”
+
+5. Is “nasty.”
+
+6. Needs a “lesson in politeness and good manners.”
+
+7. Has published a “nasty article.”
+
+8. Has made remarks “unworthy of a gentleman.”--[“It is more funny than
+his” (Mark Twain's) “anecdote, and would have been less insulting.”]
+
+A quoted remark of mine “is a gross insult to a nation friendly to
+America.”
+
+“He has read La Terre, this refined humorist.”
+
+“When Mark Twain visits a garden... he goes in the far-away corner where
+the soil is prepared.”
+
+“Mark Twain's ill-natured sneer cannot so much as stain them” (the
+Frenchwomen).
+
+“When he” (Mark Twain) “takes his revenge he is unkind, unfair, bitter,
+nasty.”
+
+“But not even your nasty article on my country, Mark,” etc.
+
+“Mark might certainly have derived from it” (M. Bourget's book) “a
+lesson in politeness and good manners.”
+
+A quoted remark of mine is “unworthy of a gentleman.”--
+
+These are all true, but really they are not valuable; no one cares much
+for such finds. In our American magazines we recognize this and suppress
+them. We avoid naming them. American writers never allow themselves to
+name them. It would look as if they were in a temper, and we hold that
+exhibitions of temper in public are not good form except in the very
+young and inexperienced. And even if we had the disposition to name
+them, in order to fill up a gap when we were short of ideas and
+arguments, our magazines would not allow us to do it, because they think
+that such words sully their pages. This present magazine is particularly
+strenuous about it. Its note to me announcing the forwarding of your
+proof-sheets to France closed thus--for your protection:
+
+“It is needless to ask you to avoid anything that he might consider as
+personal.”
+
+It was well enough, as a measure of precaution, but really it was not
+needed. You can trust me implicitly, M. Bourget; I shall never call
+you any names in print which I should be ashamed to call you with your
+unoffending and dearest ones present.
+
+Indeed, we are reserved, and particular in America to a degree which you
+would consider exaggerated. For instance, we should not write notes like
+that one of yours to a lady for a small fault--or a large one.--[When
+M. Paul Bourget indulges in a little chaffing at the expense of the
+Americans, “who can always get away with a few years' trying to find
+out who their grandfathers were,”] he merely makes an allusion to an
+American foible; but, forsooth, what a kind man, what a humorist Mark
+Twain is when he retorts by calling France a nation of bastards! How the
+Americans of culture and refinement will admire him for thus speaking in
+their name!
+
+Snobbery.... I could give Mark Twain an example of the American
+specimen. It is a piquant story. I never published it because I feared
+my readers might think that I was giving them a typical illustration of
+American character instead of a rare exception.
+
+I was once booked by my manager to give a causerie in the drawing-room
+of a New York millionaire. I accepted with reluctance. I do not like
+private engagements. At five o'clock on the day the causerie was to be
+given, the lady sent to my manager to say that she would expect me to
+arrive at nine o'clock and to speak for about an hour. Then she wrote
+a postscript. Many women are unfortunate there. Their minds are full
+of after-thoughts, and the most important part of their letters is
+generally to be found after their signature. This lady's P. S. ran thus:
+“I suppose he will not expect to be entertained after the lecture.”
+
+I fairly shouted, as Mark Twain would say, and then, indulging myself in
+a bit of snobbishness, I was back at her as quick as a flash:
+
+“Dear Madam: As a literary man of some reputation, I have many times had
+the pleasure of being entertained by the members of the old aristocracy
+of France. I have also many times had the pleasure of being entertained
+by the members of the old aristocracy of England. If it may interest
+you, I can even tell you that I have several times had the honor of
+being entertained by royalty; but my ambition has never been so wild as
+to expect that one day I might be entertained by the aristocracy of New
+York. No, I do not expect to be entertained by you, nor do I want you to
+expect me to entertain you and your friends to-night, for I decline to
+keep the engagement.”
+
+Now, I could fill a book on America with reminiscences of this sort,
+adding a few chapters on bosses and boodlers, on New York 'chronique
+scandaleuse', on the tenement houses of the large cities, on the
+gambling-hells of Denver, and the dens of San Francisco, and what not!
+[But not even your nasty article on my country, Mark, will make me do
+it.]--We should not think it kind. No matter how much we might have
+associated with kings and nobilities, we should not think it right to
+crush her with it and make her ashamed of her lowlier walk in life; for
+we have a saying, “Who humiliates my mother includes his own.”
+
+Do I seriously imagine you to be the author of that strange letter,
+M. Bourget? Indeed I do not. I believe it to have been surreptitiously
+inserted by your amanuensis when your back was turned. I think he did
+it with a good motive, expecting it to add force and piquancy to your
+article, but it does not reflect your nature, and I know it will grieve
+you when you see it. I also think he interlarded many other things which
+you will disapprove of when you see them. I am certain that all the
+harsh names discharged at me come from him, not you. No doubt you could
+have proved me entitled to them with as little trouble as it has cost
+him to do it, but it would have been your disposition to hunt game of a
+higher quality.
+
+Why, I even doubt if it is you who furnish me all that excellent
+information about Balzac and those others.--[“Now the style of M.
+Bourget and many other French writers is apparently a closed letter to
+Mark Twain; but let us leave that alone. Has he read Erckmann-Chatrian,
+Victor Hugo, Lamartine, Edmond About, Cherbuliez, Renan? Has he read
+Gustave Droz's 'Monsieur, Madame, et Bebe', and those books which leave
+for a long time a perfume about you? Has he read the novels of Alexandre
+Dumas, Eugene Sue, George Sand, and Balzac? Has he read Victor Hugo's
+'Les Miserables' and 'Notre Dame de Paris'? Has he read or heard the
+plays of Sandeau, Augier, Dumas, and Sardou, the works of those Titans
+of modern literature, whose names will be household words all over
+the world for hundreds of years to come? He has read La Terre--this
+kind-hearted, refined humorist! When Mark Twain visits a garden does he
+smell the violets, the roses, the jasmine, or the honeysuckle? No, he
+goes in the far-away corner where the soil is prepared. Hear what he
+says: 'I wish M. Paul Bourget had read more of our novels before he
+came. It is the only way to thoroughly understand a people. When I found
+I was coming to Paris I read La Terre.'”]--All this in simple justice
+to you--and to me; for, to gravely accept those interlardings as yours
+would be to wrong your head and heart, and at the same time convict
+myself of being equipped with a vacancy where my penetration ought to be
+lodged.
+
+And now finally I must uncover the secret pain, the wee sore from
+which the Reply grew--the anecdote which closed my recent article--and
+consider how it is that this pimple has spread to these cancerous
+dimensions. If any but you had dictated the Reply, M. Bourget, I would
+know that that anecdote was twisted around and its intention magnified
+some hundreds of times, in order that it might be used as a pretext to
+creep in the back way. But I accuse you of nothing--nothing but error.
+When you say that I “retort by calling France a nation of bastards,”
+ it is an error. And not a small one, but a large one. I made no such
+remark, nor anything resembling it. Moreover, the magazine would not
+have allowed me to use so gross a word as that.
+
+You told an anecdote. A funny one--I admit that. It hit a foible of
+our American aristocracy, and it stung me--I admit that; it stung me
+sharply. It was like this: You found some ancient portraits of French
+kings in the gallery of one of our aristocracy, and you said:
+
+“He has the Grand Monarch, but where is the portrait of his
+grandfather?” That is, the American aristocrat's grandfather.
+
+Now that hits only a few of us, I grant--just the upper crust only--but
+it hits exceedingly hard.
+
+I wondered if there was any way of getting back at you. In one of your
+chapters I found this chance:
+
+“In our high Parisian existence, for instance, we find applied to arts
+and luxury, and to debauchery, all the powers and all the weaknesses of
+the French soul.”
+
+You see? Your “higher Parisian” class--not everybody, not the nation,
+but only the top crust of the Nation--applies to debauchery all the
+powers of its soul.
+
+I argued to myself that that energy must produce results. So I built
+an anecdote out of your remark. In it I make Napoleon Bonaparte say
+to me--but see for yourself the anecdote (ingeniously clipped and
+curtailed) in paragraph eleven of your Reply.--[So, I repeat, Mark Twain
+does not like M. Paul Bourget's book. So long as he makes light fun
+of the great French writer he is at home, he is pleasant, he is the
+American humorist we know. When he takes his revenge (and where is the
+reason for taking a revenge?) he is unkind, unfair, bitter, nasty.]
+
+For example: See his answer to a Frenchman who jokingly remarks to him:
+
+“I suppose life can never get entirely dull to an American, because
+whenever he can't strike up any other way to put in his time, he can
+always get away with a few years trying to find out who his grandfather
+was.”
+
+Hear the answer:
+
+“I reckon a Frenchman's got his little standby for a dull time, too;
+because when all other interests fail, he can turn in and see if he
+can't find out who his father was.”
+
+The first remark is a good-humored bit of chaffing on American snobbery.
+I may be utterly destitute of humor, but I call the second remark a
+gratuitous charge of immorality hurled at the French women--a remark
+unworthy of a man who has the ear of the public, unworthy of a
+gentleman, a gross insult to a nation friendly to America, a nation that
+helped Mark Twain's ancestors in their struggle for liberty, a nation
+where to-day it is enough to say that you are American to see every door
+open wide to you.
+
+If Mark Twain was hard up in search of, a French “chestnut,” I might
+have told him the following little anecdote. It is more funny than his,
+and would have been less insulting: Two little street boys are abusing
+each other. “Ah, hold your tongue,” says one, “you ain't got no father.”
+
+“Ain't got no father!” replies the other; “I've got more fathers than
+you.”
+
+Now, then, your anecdote about the grandfathers hurt me. Why? Because
+it had a point. It wouldn't have hurt me if it hadn't had point. You
+wouldn't have wasted space on it if it hadn't had point.
+
+My anecdote has hurt you. Why? Because it had point, I suppose. It
+wouldn't have hurt you if it hadn't had point. I judged from your remark
+about the diligence and industry of the high Parisian upper crust that
+it would have some point, but really I had no idea what a gold-mine I
+had struck. I never suspected that the point was going to stick into the
+entire nation; but of course you know your nation better than I do, and
+if you think it punctures them all, I have to yield to your judgment.
+But you are to blame, your own self. Your remark misled me. I supposed
+the industry was confined to that little unnumerous upper layer.
+
+Well, now that the unfortunate thing has been done, let us do what we
+can to undo it. There must be a way, M. Bourget, and I am willing to do
+anything that will help; for I am as sorry as you can be yourself.
+
+I will tell you what I think will be the very thing.
+
+We will swap anecdotes. I will take your anecdote and you take mine. I
+will say to the dukes and counts and princes of the ancient nobility of
+France:
+
+“Ha, ha! You must have a pretty hard time trying to find out who your
+grandfathers were?”
+
+They will merely smile indifferently and not feel hurt, because they can
+trace their lineage back through centuries.
+
+And you will hurl mine at every individual in the American nation,
+saying:
+
+“And you must have a pretty hard time trying to find out who your
+fathers were.” They will merely smile indifferently, and not feel hurt,
+because they haven't any difficulty in finding their fathers.
+
+Do you get the idea? The whole harm in the anecdotes is in the point,
+you see; and when we swap them around that way, they haven't any.
+
+That settles it perfectly and beautifully, and I am glad I thought of
+it. I am very glad indeed, M. Bourget; for it was just that little wee
+thing that caused the whole difficulty and made you dictate the Reply,
+and your amanuensis call me all those hard names which the magazines
+dislike so. And I did it all in fun, too, trying to cap your funny
+anecdote with another one--on the give-and-take principle, you
+know--which is American. I didn't know that with the French it was
+all give and no take, and you didn't tell me. But now that I have made
+everything comfortable again, and fixed both anecdotes so they can never
+have any point any more, I know you will forgive me.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Essays on Paul Bourget
+by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET ***
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