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+Project Gutenberg's A Burlesque Autobiography, by Mark Twain (Samuel
+Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost
+no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use
+it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this
+eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Burlesque Autobiography
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: April, 2002 [Etext #3175]
+Last Updated: February 24, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY ***
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
+
+and, FIRST ROMANCE
+
+by Mark Twain
+
+ 1871
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+
+BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
+
+
+AWFUL, TERRIBLE MEDIEVAL ROMANCE
+
+CHAPTER I. THE SECRET REVEALED.
+
+CHAPTER II. FESTIVITY AND TEARS
+
+CHAPTER III. THE PLOT THICKENS.
+
+CHAPTER IV. THE AWFUL REVELATION.
+
+CHAPTER V. THE FRIGHTFUL CATASTROPHE.
+
+
+
+
+
+BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
+
+Two or three persons having at different times intimated that if I would
+write an autobiography they would read it, when they got leisure, I
+yield at last to this frenzied public demand, and herewith tender my
+history:
+
+Ours is a noble old house, and stretches a long way back into antiquity.
+The earliest ancestor the Twains have any record of was a friend of the
+family by the name of Higgins. This was in the eleventh century, when
+our people were living in Aberdeen, county of Cork, England. Why it is
+that our long line has ever since borne the maternal name (except when
+one of them now and then took a playful refuge in an alias to avert
+foolishness), instead of Higgins, is a mystery which none of us has ever
+felt much desire to stir. It is a kind of vague, pretty romance, and we
+leave it alone. All the old families do that way.
+
+Arthour Twain was a man of considerable note--a solicitor on the highway
+in William Rufus' time. At about the age of thirty he went to one of
+those fine old English places of resort called Newgate, to see about
+something, and never returned again. While there he died suddenly.
+
+Augustus Twain, seems to have made something of a stir about the year
+1160. He was as full of fun as he could be, and used to take his old
+sabre and sharpen it up, and get in a convenient place on a dark night,
+and stick it through people as they went by, to see them jump. He was a
+born humorist. But he got to going too far with it; and the first time
+he was found stripping one of these parties, the authorities removed one
+end of him, and put it up on a nice high place on Temple Bar, where it
+could contemplate the people and have a good time. He never liked any
+situation so much or stuck to it so long.
+
+Then for the next two hundred years the family tree shows a succession
+of soldiers--noble, high-spirited fellows, who always went into battle
+singing; right behind the army, and always went out a-whooping, right
+ahead of it.
+
+This is a scathing rebuke to old dead Froissart's poor witticism that
+our family tree never had but one limb to it, and that that one stuck
+out at right angles, and bore fruit winter, and summer.
+
+
+ ||=======|====
+ || |
+ || |
+ || O
+ || / || \
+ || ||
+ || ||
+ ||
+ ||
+ ||
+ OUR FAMILY TREE
+
+Early in the fifteenth century we have Beau Twain, called “the Scholar.”
+ He wrote a beautiful, beautiful hand. And he could imitate anybody's
+hand so closely that it was enough to make a person laugh his head off
+to see it. He had infinite sport with his talent. But by and by he took
+a contract to break stone for a road, and the roughness of the work
+spoiled his hand. Still, he enjoyed life all the time he was in the
+stone business, which, with inconsiderable intervals, was some forty-two
+years. In fact, he died in harness. During all those long years he gave
+such satisfaction that he never was through with one contract a week
+till government gave him another. He was a perfect pet. And he was
+always a favorite with his fellow-artists, and was a conspicuous member
+of their benevolent secret society, called the Chain Gang. He always
+wore his hair short, had a preference for striped clothes, and died
+lamented by the government. He was a sore loss to his country. For he
+was so regular.
+
+Some years later we have the illustrious John Morgan Twain. He came over
+to this country with Columbus in 1492, as a passenger. He appears to
+have been of a crusty, uncomfortable disposition. He complained of the
+food all the way over, and was always threatening to go ashore unless
+there was a change. He wanted fresh shad. Hardly a day passed over his
+head that he did not go idling about the ship with his nose in the air,
+sneering about the commander, and saying he did not believe Columbus
+knew where he was going to or had ever been there before. The memorable
+cry of “Land ho!” thrilled every heart in the ship but his. He gazed a
+while through a piece of smoked glass at the penciled line lying on the
+distant water, and then said: “Land be hanged,--it's a raft!”
+
+When this questionable passenger came on board the ship, he brought
+nothing with him but an old newspaper containing a handkerchief marked
+“B. G.,” one cotton sock marked “L. W. C.” one woollen one marked “D.
+F.” and a night-shirt marked “O. M. R.” And yet during the voyage he
+worried more about his “trunk,” and gave himself more airs about it,
+than all the rest of the passengers put together.
+
+If the ship was “down by the head,” and would not steer, he would go and
+move his “trunk” farther aft, and then watch the effect. If the ship
+was “by the stern,” he would suggest to Columbus to detail some men
+to “shift that baggage.” In storms he had to be gagged, because his
+wailings about his “trunk” made it impossible for the men to hear the
+orders. The man does not appear to have been openly charged with
+any gravely unbecoming thing, but it is noted in the ship's log as a
+“curious circumstance” that albeit he brought his baggage on board the
+ship in a newspaper, he took it ashore in four trunks, a queensware
+crate, and a couple of champagne baskets. But when he came back
+insinuating in an insolent, swaggering way, that some of his things were
+missing, and was going to search the other passengers' baggage, it
+was too much, and they threw him overboard. They watched long and
+wonderingly for him to come up, but not even a bubble rose on the
+quietly ebbing tide. But while every one was most absorbed in gazing
+over the side, and the interest was momentarily increasing, it was
+observed with consternation that the vessel was adrift and the anchor
+cable hanging limp from the bow. Then in the ship's dimmed and ancient
+log we find this quaint note:
+
+
+ “In time it was discouvered yt ye troblesome passenger hadde
+ gonne downe and got ye anchor, and toke ye same and solde it to
+ ye dam sauvages from ye interior, saying yt he hadde founde it,
+ ye sonne of a ghun!”
+
+Yet this ancestor had good and noble instincts, and it is with pride
+that we call to mind the fact that he was the first white person who
+ever interested himself in the work of elevating and civilizing our
+Indians. He built a commodious jail and put up a gallows, and to
+his dying day he claimed with satisfaction that he had had a more
+restraining and elevating influence on the Indians than any other
+reformer that ever labored among them. At this point the chronicle
+becomes less frank and chatty, and closes abruptly by saying that the
+old voyager went to see his gallows perform on the first white man ever
+hanged in America, and while there received injuries which terminated in
+his death.
+
+The great grandson of the “Reformer” flourished in sixteen hundred and
+something, and was known in our annals as, “the old Admiral,” though in
+history he had other titles. He was long in command of fleets of swift
+vessels, well armed and manned, and did great service in hurrying up
+merchantmen. Vessels which he followed and kept his eagle eye on, always
+made good fair time across the ocean. But if a ship still loitered
+in spite of all he could do, his indignation would grow till he could
+contain himself no longer--and then he would take that ship home where
+he lived and, keep it there carefully, expecting the owners to come for
+it, but they never did. And he would try to get the idleness and sloth
+out of the sailors of that ship by compelling them to take invigorating
+exercise and a bath. He called it “walking a plank.” All the pupils
+liked it. At any rate, they never found any fault with it after trying
+it. When the owners were late coming for their ships, the Admiral always
+burned them, so that the insurance money should not be lost. At last
+this fine old tar was cut down in the fulness of his years and honors.
+And to her dying day, his poor heart-broken widow believed that if
+he had been cut down fifteen minutes sooner he might have been
+resuscitated.
+
+Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth
+century, and was a zealous and distinguished missionary. He converted
+sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them that a dog-tooth
+necklace and a pair of spectacles was not enough clothing to come to
+divine service in. His poor flock loved him very, very dearly; and
+when his funeral was over, they got up in a body (and came out of the
+restaurant) with tears in their eyes, and saying, one to another, that
+he was a good tender missionary, and they wished they had some more of
+him.
+
+PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWIS (Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye) TWAIN
+adorned the middle of the eighteenth century, and aided Gen. Braddock
+with all his heart to resist the oppressor Washington. It was this
+ancestor who fired seventeen times at our Washington from behind a tree.
+So far the beautiful romantic narrative in the moral story-books is
+correct; but when that narrative goes on to say that at the seventeenth
+round the awe-stricken savage said solemnly that that man was being
+reserved by the Great Spirit for some mighty mission, and he dared not
+lift his sacrilegious rifle against him again, the narrative seriously
+impairs the integrity of history. What he did say was:
+
+“It ain't no (hic!) no use. 'At man's so drunk he can't stan' still long
+enough for a man to hit him. I (hic!) I can't 'ford to fool away any
+more am'nition on him!”
+
+That was why he stopped at the seventeenth round, and it was, a good
+plain matter-of-fact reason, too, and one that easily commends itself to
+us by the eloquent, persuasive flavor of probability there is about it.
+
+I always enjoyed the story-book narrative, but I felt a marring
+misgiving that every Indian at Braddock's Defeat who fired at a soldier
+a couple of times (two easily grows to seventeen in a century), and
+missed him, jumped to the conclusion that the Great Spirit was reserving
+that soldier for some grand mission; and so I somehow feared that the
+only reason why Washington's case is remembered and the others forgotten
+is, that in his the prophecy came true, and in that of the others it
+didn't. There are not books enough on earth to contain the record of the
+prophecies Indians and other unauthorized parties have made; but one may
+carry in his overcoat pockets the record of all the prophecies that have
+been fulfilled.
+
+I will remark here, in passing, that certain ancestors of mine are so
+thoroughly well known in history by their aliases, that I have not felt
+it to be worth while to dwell upon them, or even mention them in the
+order of their birth. Among these may be mentioned RICHARD BRINSLEY
+TWAIN, alias Guy Fawkes; JOHN WENTWORTH TWAIN, alias Sixteen-String
+Jack; WILLIAM HOGARTH TWAIN, alias Jack Sheppard; ANANIAS TWAIN, alias
+Baron Munchausen; JOHN GEORGE TWAIN, alias Capt. Kydd; and then there
+are George Francis Train, Tom Pepper, Nebuchadnezzar and Baalam's
+Ass--they all belong to our family, but to a branch of it somewhat
+distantly removed from the honorable direct line--in fact, a collateral
+branch, whose members chiefly differ from the ancient stock in that, in
+order to acquire the notoriety we have always yearned and hungered for,
+they have got into a low way of going to jail instead of getting hanged.
+
+It is not well, when writing an autobiography, to follow your ancestry
+down too close to your own time--it is safest to speak only vaguely of
+your great-grandfather, and then skip from there to yourself, which I
+now do.
+
+I was born without teeth--and there Richard III had the advantage of
+me; but I was born without a humpback, likewise, and there I had the
+advantage of him. My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously
+honest.
+
+But now a thought occurs to me. My own history would really seem so tame
+contrasted with that of my ancestors, that it is simply wisdom to leave
+it unwritten until I am hanged. If some other biographies I have read
+had stopped with the ancestry until a like event occurred, it would have
+been a felicitous thing, for the reading public. How does it strike you?
+
+
+
+
+
+AWFUL, TERRIBLE MEDIEVAL ROMANCE
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I. THE SECRET REVEALED.
+
+It was night. Stillness reigned in the grand old feudal castle of
+Klugenstein. The year 1222 was drawing to a close. Far away up in
+the tallest of the castle's towers a single light glimmered. A secret
+council was being held there. The stern old lord of Klugenstein sat in a
+chair of state meditating. Presently he said, with a tender accent:
+
+“My daughter!”
+
+A young man of noble presence, clad from head to heel in knightly mail,
+answered:
+
+“Speak, father!”
+
+“My daughter, the time is come for the revealing of the mystery that
+hath puzzled all your young life. Know, then, that it had its birth in
+the matters which I shall now unfold. My brother Ulrich is the great
+Duke of Brandenburgh. Our father, on his deathbed, decreed that if
+no son were born to Ulrich, the succession should pass to my house,
+provided a son were born to me. And further, in case no son were born to
+either, but only daughters, then the succession should pass to Ulrich's
+daughter, if she proved stainless; if she did not, my daughter should
+succeed, if she retained a blameless name. And so I, and my old wife
+here, prayed fervently for the good boon of a son, but the prayer was
+vain. You were born to us. I was in despair. I saw the mighty prize
+slipping from my grasp, the splendid dream vanishing away. And I had
+been so hopeful! Five years had Ulrich lived in wedlock, and yet his
+wife had borne no heir of either sex.
+
+“'But hold,' I said, 'all is not lost.' A saving scheme had shot athwart
+my brain. You were born at midnight. Only the leech, the nurse, and six
+waiting-women knew your sex. I hanged them every one before an hour
+had sped. Next morning all the barony went mad with rejoicing over
+the proclamation that a son was born to Klugenstein, an heir to mighty
+Brandenburgh! And well the secret has been kept. Your mother's own
+sister nursed your infancy, and from that time forward we feared
+nothing.
+
+“When you were ten years old, a daughter was born to Ulrich. We grieved,
+but hoped for good results from measles, or physicians, or other
+natural enemies of infancy, but were always disappointed. She lived, she
+throve--Heaven's malison upon her! But it is nothing. We are safe.
+For, Ha-ha! have we not a son? And is not our son the future Duke?
+Our well-beloved Conrad, is it not so?--for, woman of eight-and-twenty
+years--as you are, my child, none other name than that hath ever fallen
+to you!
+
+“Now it hath come to pass that age hath laid its hand upon my brother,
+and he waxes feeble. The cares of state do tax him sore. Therefore he
+wills that you shall come to him and be already Duke--in act, though not
+yet in name. Your servitors are ready--you journey forth to-night.
+
+“Now listen well. Remember every word I say. There is a law as old as
+Germany that if any woman sit for a single instant in the great ducal
+chair before she hath been absolutely crowned in presence of the people,
+SHE SHALL DIE! So heed my words. Pretend humility. Pronounce your
+judgments from the Premier's chair, which stands at the foot of the
+throne. Do this until you are crowned and safe. It is not likely that
+your sex will ever be discovered; but still it is the part of wisdom to
+make all things as safe as may be in this treacherous earthly life.”
+
+“Oh; my father, is it for this my life hath been a lie! Was it that I
+might cheat my unoffending cousin of her rights? Spare me, father, spare
+your child!”
+
+“What, huzzy! Is this my reward for the august fortune my brain has
+wrought for thee? By the bones of my father, this puling sentiment of
+thine but ill accords with my humor.
+
+“Betake thee to the Duke, instantly! And beware how thou meddlest with
+my purpose!”
+
+Let this suffice, of the conversation. It is enough for us to know that
+the prayers, the entreaties and the tears of the gentle-natured girl
+availed nothing. They nor anything could move the stout old lord of
+Klugenstein. And so, at last, with a heavy heart, the daughter saw the
+castle gates close behind her, and found herself riding away in the
+darkness surrounded by a knightly array of armed vassals and a brave
+following of servants.
+
+The old baron sat silent for many minutes after his daughter's
+departure, and then he turned to his sad wife and said:
+
+“Dame, our matters seem speeding fairly. It is full three months since I
+sent the shrewd and handsome Count Detzin on his devilish mission to my
+brother's daughter Constance. If he fail, we are not wholly safe; but if
+he do succeed, no power can bar our girl from being Duchess e'en though
+ill-fortune should decree she never should be Duke!”
+
+“My heart is full of bodings, yet all may still be well.”
+
+“Tush, woman! Leave the owls to croak. To bed with ye, and dream of
+Brandenburgh and grandeur!”
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II. FESTIVITY AND TEARS
+
+Six days after the occurrences related in the above chapter, the
+brilliant capital of the Duchy of Brandenburgh was resplendent with
+military pageantry, and noisy with the rejoicings of loyal multitudes;
+for Conrad, the young heir to the crown, was come. The old Duke's heart
+was full of happiness, for Conrad's handsome person and graceful bearing
+had won his love at once. The great halls of the palace were thronged
+with nobles, who welcomed Conrad bravely; and so bright and happy did
+all things seem, that he felt his fears and sorrows passing away and
+giving place to a comforting contentment.
+
+But in a remote apartment of the palace a scene of a different nature
+was transpiring. By a window stood the Duke's only child, the Lady
+Constance. Her eyes were red and swollen, and full of tears. She was
+alone. Presently she fell to weeping anew, and said aloud:
+
+“The villain Detzin is gone--has fled the dukedom! I could not believe
+it at first, but alas! it is too true. And I loved him so. I dared to
+love him though I knew the Duke my father would never let me wed him. I
+loved him--but now I hate him! With all my soul I hate him! Oh, what is
+to become of me! I am lost, lost, lost! I shall go mad!”
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III. THE PLOT THICKENS.
+
+A few months drifted by. All men published the praises of the young
+Conrad's government and extolled the wisdom of his judgments, the
+mercifulness of his sentences, and the modesty with which he bore
+himself in his great office. The old Duke soon gave everything into his
+hands, and sat apart and listened with proud satisfaction while his
+heir delivered the decrees of the crown from the seat of the premier.
+It seemed plain that one so loved and praised and honored of all men as
+Conrad was, could not be otherwise than happy. But strange enough, he
+was not. For he saw with dismay that the Princess Constance had begun to
+love him! The love of the rest of the world was happy fortune for him,
+but this was freighted with danger! And he saw, moreover, that the
+delighted Duke had discovered his daughter's passion likewise, and was
+already dreaming of a marriage. Every day somewhat of the deep sadness
+that had been in the princess' face faded away; every day hope and
+animation beamed brighter from her eye; and by and by even vagrant
+smiles visited the face that had been so troubled.
+
+Conrad was appalled. He bitterly cursed himself for having yielded to
+the instinct that had made him seek the companionship of one of his own
+sex when he was new and a stranger in the palace--when he was sorrowful
+and yearned for a sympathy such as only women can give or feel. He
+now began to avoid, his cousin. But this only made matters worse, for,
+naturally enough, the more he avoided her, the more she cast herself in
+his way. He marvelled at this at first; and next it startled him. The
+girl haunted him; she hunted him; she happened upon him at all times and
+in all places, in the night as well as in the day. She seemed singularly
+anxious. There was surely a mystery somewhere.
+
+This could not go on forever. All the world was talking about it. The
+Duke was beginning to look perplexed. Poor Conrad was becoming a very
+ghost through dread and dire distress. One day as he was emerging from a
+private ante-room attached to the picture gallery, Constance confronted
+him, and seizing both his hands, in hers, exclaimed:
+
+“Oh, why, do you avoid me? What have I done--what have I said, to lose
+your kind opinion of me--for, surely I had it once? Conrad, do not
+despise me, but pity a tortured heart? I cannot--cannot hold the words
+unspoken longer, lest they kill me--I LOVE you, CONRAD! There, despise
+me if you must, but they would be uttered!”
+
+Conrad was speechless. Constance hesitated a moment, and then,
+misinterpreting his silence, a wild gladness flamed in her eyes, and she
+flung her arms about his neck and said:
+
+“You relent! you relent! You can love me--you will love me! Oh, say you
+will, my own, my worshipped Conrad!”
+
+Conrad groaned aloud. A sickly pallor overspread his countenance, and
+he trembled like an aspen. Presently, in desperation, he thrust the poor
+girl from him, and cried:
+
+“You know not what you ask! It is forever and ever impossible!” And then
+he fled like a criminal and left the princess stupefied with amazement.
+A minute afterward she was crying and sobbing there, and Conrad was
+crying and sobbing in his chamber. Both were in despair. Both saw ruin
+staring them in the face.
+
+By and by Constance rose slowly to her feet and moved away, saying:
+
+“To think that he was despising my love at the very moment that I
+thought it was melting his cruel heart! I hate him! He spurned me--did
+this man--he spurned me from him like a dog!”
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV. THE AWFUL REVELATION.
+
+Time passed on. A settled sadness rested once more upon the countenance
+of the good Duke's daughter. She and Conrad were seen together no more
+now. The Duke grieved at this. But as the weeks wore away, Conrad's
+color came back to his cheeks and his old-time vivacity to his eye,
+and he administered the government with a clear and steadily ripening
+wisdom.
+
+Presently a strange whisper began to be heard about the palace. It grew
+louder; it spread farther. The gossips of the city got hold of it. It
+swept the dukedom. And this is what the whisper said:
+
+“The Lady Constance hath given birth to a child!”
+
+When the lord of Klugenstein heard it, he swung his plumed helmet thrice
+around his head and shouted:
+
+“Long live Duke Conrad!--for lo, his crown is sure, from this day
+forward! Detzin has done his errand well, and the good scoundrel shall
+be rewarded!”
+
+And he spread the tidings far and wide, and for eight-and-forty hours no
+soul in all the barony but did dance and sing, carouse and illuminate,
+to celebrate the great event, and all at proud and happy old
+Klugenstein's expense.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V. THE FRIGHTFUL CATASTROPHE.
+
+The trial was at hand. All the great lords and barons of Brandenburgh
+were assembled in the Hall of Justice in the ducal palace. No space was
+left unoccupied where there was room for a spectator to stand or sit.
+Conrad, clad in purple and ermine, sat in the premier's chair, and on
+either side sat the great judges of the realm. The old Duke had sternly
+commanded that the trial of his daughter should proceed, without favor,
+and then had taken to his bed broken-hearted. His days were numbered.
+Poor Conrad had begged, as for his very life, that he might be spared
+the misery of sitting in judgment upon his cousin's crime, but it did
+not avail.
+
+The saddest heart in all that great assemblage was in Conrad's breast.
+
+The gladdest was in his father's. For, unknown to his daughter “Conrad,”
+ the old Baron Klugenstein was come, and was among the crowd of nobles,
+triumphant in the swelling fortunes of his house.
+
+After the heralds had made due proclamation and the other preliminaries
+had followed, the venerable Lord Chief justice said:
+
+“Prisoner, stand forth!”
+
+The unhappy princess rose and stood unveiled before the vast multitude.
+The Lord Chief Justice continued:
+
+“Most noble lady, before the great judges of this realm it hath been
+charged and proven that out of holy wedlock your Grace hath given birth
+unto a child; and by our ancient law the penalty is death, excepting in
+one sole contingency, whereof his Grace the acting Duke, our good Lord
+Conrad, will advertise you in his solemn sentence now; wherefore, give
+heed.”
+
+Conrad stretched forth the reluctant sceptre, and in the self-same
+moment the womanly heart beneath his robe yearned pityingly toward the
+doomed prisoner, and the tears came into his eyes. He opened his lips to
+speak, but the Lord Chief Justice said quickly:
+
+“Not there, your Grace, not there! It is not lawful to pronounce
+judgment upon any of the ducal line SAVE FROM THE DUCAL THRONE!”
+
+A shudder went to the heart of poor Conrad, and a tremor shook the iron
+frame of his old father likewise. CONRAD HAD NOT BEEN CROWNED--dared he
+profane the throne? He hesitated and turned pale with fear. But it must
+be done. Wondering eyes were already upon him. They would be suspicious
+eyes if he hesitated longer. He ascended the throne. Presently he
+stretched forth the sceptre again, and said:
+
+“Prisoner, in the name of our sovereign lord, Ulrich, Duke of
+Brandenburgh, I proceed to the solemn duty that hath devolved upon
+me. Give heed to my words. By the ancient law of the land, except you
+produce the partner of your guilt and deliver him up to the executioner,
+you must surely die. Embrace this opportunity--save yourself while yet
+you may. Name the father of your child!”
+
+A solemn hush fell upon the great court--a silence so profound that men
+could hear their own hearts beat. Then the princess slowly turned, with
+eyes gleaming with hate, and pointing her finger straight at Conrad,
+said:
+
+“Thou art the man!”
+
+An appalling conviction of his helpless, hopeless peril struck a chill
+to Conrad's heart like the chill of death itself. What power on earth
+could save him! To disprove the charge, he must reveal that he was a
+woman; and for an uncrowned woman to sit in the ducal chair was death!
+At one and the same moment, he and his grim old father swooned and fell
+to, the ground.
+
+[The remainder of this thrilling and eventful story will NOT be found in
+this or any other publication, either now or at any future time.]
+
+The truth is, I have got my hero (or heroine) into such a particularly
+close place, that I do not see how I am ever going to get him (or
+her) out of it again--and therefore I will wash my hands of the whole
+business, and leave that person to get out the best way that offers--or
+else stay there. I thought it was going to be easy enough to straighten
+out that little difficulty, but it looks different now.
+
+
+[If Harper's Weekly or the New York Tribune desire to copy these initial
+chapters into the reading columns of their valuable journals, just as
+they do the opening chapters of Ledger and New York Weekly novels, they
+are at liberty to do so at the usual rates, provided they “trust.”]
+
+MARK TWAIN
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Burlesque Autobiography by Mark
+Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY ***
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