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diff --git a/old/mtbbg10.txt b/old/mtbbg10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..09626dc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtbbg10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,934 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext A Burlesque Autobiography, by Mark Twain +#36 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + + + + + +A Burlesque Autobiography + +by Mark Twain + + + + +CONTENTS: + MARK TWAIN'S (BURLESQUE) AUTO-BIOGRAPHY + FIRST ROMANCE. + + + + + +BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY. + +Two or three persons having at different times intimated that if I would +write an autobiography they would read it, when they got leisure, I yield +at last to this frenzied public demand, and herewith tender my history: + +Ours is a noble old house, and stretches a long way back into antiquity. +The earliest ancestor the Twains have any record of was a friend of the +family by the name of Higgins. This was in the eleventh century, when +our people were living in Aberdeen, county of Cork, England. Why it is +that our long line has ever since borne the maternal name (except when +one of them now and then took a playful refuge in an alias to avert +foolishness), instead of Higgins, is a mystery which none of us has ever +felt much desire to stir. It is a kind of vague, pretty romance, and we +leave it alone. All the old families do that way. + +Arthour Twain was a man of considerable note a solicitor on the highway +in William Rufus' time. At about the age of thirty he went to one of +those fine old English places of resort called Newgate, to see about +something, and never returned again. While there he died suddenly. + +Augustus Twain, seems to have made something of a stir about -the year +1160. He was as full of fun as he could be, and used to take his old +sabre and sharpen it up, and get in a convenient place on a dark night, +and stick it through people as they went by, to see them jump. He was a +born humorist. But he got to going too far with it; and the first time +he was found stripping one of these parties, the authorities removed one +end of him, and put it up on a nice high place on Temple Bar, where it +could contemplate the people and have a good time. He never liked any +situation so much or stuck to it so long. + +Then for the next two hundred years the family tree shows a succession of +soldiers--noble, high-spirited fellows, who always went into battle +singing; right behind the army, and always went out a-whooping, right +ahead of it. + +This is a scathing rebuke to old dead Froissart's poor witticism that our +family tree never had but one limb to it, and that that one stuck out at +right angles, and bore fruit winter, and summer. + + ||=======|==== + || | + || | + || O + || / || \ + || || + || || + || + || + || + OUR FAMILY TREE + +Early in the fifteenth century we have Beau Twain, called "the Scholar." +He wrote a beautiful, beautiful hand. And he could imitate anybody's +hand so closely that it was enough to make a person laugh his head off to +see it. He had infinite sport with his talent. But by and by he took a +contract to break stone for a road, and the roughness of the work spoiled +his hand. Still, he enjoyed life all the time he was in the stone +business, which, with inconsiderable intervals, was some forty-two years. +In fact, he died in harness. During all those long years he gave such +satisfaction that he never was through with one contract a week till +government gave him another. He was a perfect pet. And he was always a +favorite with his fellow-artists, and was a conspicuous member of their +benevolent secret society, called the Chain Gang. He always wore his +hair short, had a preference for striped clothes, and died lamented by +the government. He was a sore loss to his country. For he was so +regular. + +Some years later we have the illustrious John Morgan Twain. He came over +to this country with Columbus in 1492, as a passenger. He appears to +have been of a crusty, uncomfortable disposition. He complained of the +food all the way over, and was always threatening to go ashore unless +there was a change. He wanted fresh shad. Hardly a day passed over his +head that he did not go idling about the ship with his nose in the air, +sneering about the commander, and saying he did not believe Columbus knew +where he was going to or had ever been there before. The memorable cry +of "Land ho!" thrilled every heart in the ship but his. He gazed a while +through a piece of smoked glass at the penciled line lying on the distant +water, and then said: "Land be hanged,--it's a raft!" + +When this questionable passenger came on board the ship, he brought +nothing with him but an old newspaper containing a handkerchief marked +"B. G.," one cotton sock marked "L. W. C." one woollen one marked "D. F." +and a night-shirt marked "O. M. R." And yet during the voyage he worried +more about his "trunk," and gave himself ,more airs about it, than all +the rest of the passengers put together. + +If the ship was "down by the head," and would got steer, he would go and +move his "trunk" farther aft, and then watch the effect. If the +ship was "by the stern," he would suggest to Columbus to detail some men +to "shift that baggage." In storms he had to be gagged, because his +wailings about his "trunk" made it impossible for the men to hear the +orders. The man does not appear to have been openly charged with any +gravely unbecoming thing, but it is noted in the ship's log as a "curious +circumstance" that albeit he brought his baggage on board the ship in a +newspaper, he took it ashore in four trunks, a queensware crate, and a +couple of champagne baskets. But when he came back insinuating in an +insolent, swaggering way, that some of his things were missing, and was +going to search the other passengers' baggage, it was too much, and they +threw him overboard. They watched long and wonderingly for him to come +up, but not even a bubble rose on the quietly ebbing tide. But while +every one was most absorbed in gazing over the side, and the interest was +momentarily increasing, it was observed with consternation that the +vessel was adrift and the anchor cable hanging limp from the bow. Then +in the ship's dimmed and ancient log we find this quaint note: + + "In time it was discouvered yt ye troblesome passenger hadde + gonne downe and got ye anchor, and toke ye same and solde it to + ye dam sauvages from ye interior, saying yt he hadde founde it, + ye sonne of a ghun!" + +Yet this ancestor had good and noble instincts, and it is with pride that +we call to mind the fact that he was the first white person who ever +interested himself in the work of elevating and civilizing our Indians. +He built a commodious jail and put up a gallows, and to his dying day he +claimed with satisfaction that he had had a more restraining and +elevating influence on the Indians than any other reformer that ever, +labored among them. At this point the chronicle becomes less frank and +chatty, and closes abruptly by saying that the old voyager went to see +his gallows perform on the first white man ever hanged in America, and +while there received injuries which terminated in his death. + +The great grandson of the "Reformer" flourished in sixteen hundred and +something, and was known in our annals as, "the old Admiral," though in +history he had other titles. He was long in command of fleets of swift +vessels, well armed and, manned, and did great service in hurrying up +merchantmen. Vessels which he followed and kept his eagle eye on, always +made good fair time across the ocean. But if a ship still loitered in +spite of all he could do, his indignation would grow till he could +contain himself no longer--and then he would take that ship home where he +lived and, keep it there carefully, expecting the owners to come for it, +but they never did. And he would try to get the idleness and sloth out +of the sailors of that ship by compelling, them to take invigorating +exercise and a bath. He called it "walking a plank." All the pupils +liked it. At any rate, they never found any fault with it after trying +it. When the owners were late coming for their ships, the Admiral always +burned them, so that the insurance money should not be lost. At last +this fine old tar was cut down in the fulness of his years and honors. +And to her dying day, his poor heart-broken widow believed that if he had +been cut down fifteen minutes sooner he might have been resuscitated. + +Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth +century, and was a zealous and distinguished missionary. He converted +sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them that a dog-tooth +necklace and a pair of spectacles was not enough clothing to come to +divine service in. His poor flock loved him very, very dearly; and when +his funeral was over, they got up in a body (and came out of the +restaurant) with tears in their eyes, and saying, one to another, that he +was a good tender missionary, and they wished they had some more of him. + +PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWIS (Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye) TWAIN +adorned the middle of the eighteenth century, and aided Gen. Braddock +with all his heart to resist the oppressor Washington. It was this +ancestor who fired seventeen times at our Washington from behind a tree. +So far the beautiful romantic narrative in the moral story-books is +correct; but when that narrative goes on to say that at the seventeenth +round the awe-stricken savage said solemnly that that man was being +reserved by the Great Spirit for some mighty mission, and he dared not +lift his sacrilegious rifle against him again, the narrative seriously +impairs the integrity of history. What he did say was: + +"It ain't no (hic !) no use. 'At man's so drunk he can't stan' still +long enough for a man to hit him. I (hic !) I can't 'ford to fool away +any more am'nition on him!" + +That was why he stopped at the seventeenth round, and it was, a good +plain matter-of-fact reason, too, and one that easily commends itself to +us by the eloquent, persuasive flavor of probability there is about it. + +I always enjoyed the story-book narrative, but I felt a marring misgiving +that every Indian at Braddock's Defeat who fired at a soldier a couple of +times (two easily grows to seventeen in a century), and missed him, +jumped to the conclusion that the Great Spirit was reserving that soldier +for some grand mission; and so I somehow feared that the only reason why +Washington's case is remembered and the others forgotten is, that in his +the prophecy' came true, and in that of the others it didn't. There are +not books enough on earth to contain the record of the prophecies Indians +and other unauthorized parties have made; but one may carry in his +overcoat pockets the record of all the prophecies that have been +fulfilled. + +I will remark here, in passing, that certain ancestors of mine are so +thoroughly well known in history by their aliases, that I have not felt +it to be worth while to dwell upon them, or even mention them in the +order of their birth. Among these may be mentioned RICHARD BRINSLEY +TWAIN, alias Guy Fawkes; JOHN WENTWORTH TWAIN, alias Sixteen-String Jack; +WILLIAM HOGARTH TWAIN, alias Jack Sheppard; ANANIAS TWAIN, alias Baron +Munchausen ; JOHN GEORGE TWAIN, alias Capt. Kydd; and them there are +George Francis Train, Tom Pepper, Nebuchadnezzar and Baalam's Ass--they +all belong to our family, but to a branch of it somewhat distantly +removed from the honorable direct line--in fact, a collateral branch, +whose members chiefly differ from the ancient stock in that, in order to +acquire the notoriety we have always yearned and hungered for, they have +got into a low way of going to jail instead of getting hanged. + +It is not well; when writing an autobiography, to follow your ancestry +down too close to your own time--it is safest to speak only vaguely of +your great-grandfather, and then skip from there to yourself, which I now +do. + +I was born without teeth--and there Richard III had the advantage of me; +but I was born without a humpback, likewise, and there I had the +advantage of him. My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously +honest. + +But now a thought occurs to me. My own history would really seem so tame +contrasted with that of my ancestors, that it is simply wisdom to leave +it unwritten until I am hanged. If some other biographies I have read +had stopped with the ancestry until a like event occurred, it would have +been a felicitous thing, for the reading public. How does it strike you? + + + + + + + + AWFUL, TERRIBLE + MEDIEVAL ROMANCE + +CHAPTER I + +THE SECRET REVEALED. + +It was night. Stillness reigned in the grand old feudal castle of +Klugenstein. The year 1222 was drawing to a close. Far away up in the +tallest of the castle's towers a single light glimmered. A secret +council was being held there. The stern old lord of Klugenstein sat in +a chair of state meditating. Presently he, said, with a tender +accent: + +"My daughter!" + +A young man of noble presence, clad from head to heel in knightly mail, +answered: + +"Speak, father!" + +"My daughter, the time is come for the revealing of the mystery that hath +puzzled all your young life. Know, then, that it had its birth in the +matters which I shall now unfold. My brother Ulrich is the great Duke of +Brandenburgh. Our father, on his deathbed, decreed that if no son were +born to Ulrich, the succession should pass to my house, provided a son +were born to me. And further, in case no son, were born to either, but +only daughters, then the succession should pass to Ulrich's daughter, +if she proved stainless; if she did not, my daughter should succeed, +if she retained a blameless name. And so I, and my old wife here, prayed +fervently for the good boon of a son, but the prayer was vain. You were +born to us. I was in despair. I saw the mighty prize slipping from my +grasp, the splendid dream vanishing away. And I had been so hopeful! +Five years had Ulrich lived in wedlock, and yet his wife had borne no +heir of either sex. + +"'But hold,' I said, 'all is not lost.' A saving scheme had shot athwart +my brain. You were born at midnight. Only the leech, the nurse, and six +waiting-women knew your sex. I hanged them every one before an hour had +sped. Next morning all the barony went mad with rejoicing over the +proclamation that a son was born to Klugenstein, an heir to mighty +Brandenburgh! And well the secret has been kept. Your mother's own +sister nursed your infancy, and from that time forward we feared nothing. + +"When you were ten years old, a daughter was born to Ulrich. We grieved, +but hoped for good results from measles, or physicians, or other natural +enemies of infancy, but were always disappointed. She lived, she throve- +-Heaven's malison upon her! But it is nothing. We are safe. For, +Ha-ha! have we not a son? And is not our son the future Duke? Our well- +beloved Conrad, is it not so?--for, woman of eight-and-twenty years--as +you are, my child, none other name than that hath ever fallen to you! + +"Now it hath come to pass that age hath laid its hand upon my brother, +and he waxes feeble. The cares of state do tax him sore. Therefore he +wills that you shall come to him and be already Duke--in act, though not +yet in name. Your servitors are ready--you journey forth to-night. + +"Now listen well. Remember every word I say. There is a law as old as +Germany that if any woman sit for a single instant in the great ducal +chair before she hath been absolutely crowned in presence of the people, +SHE SHALL DIE! So heed my ,words. Pretend humility. Pronounce your +judgments from the Premier's chair, which stands at the foot of the +throne. Do this until you are crowned and safe. It is not likely that +your sex will ever be discovered; but still it is the part of wisdom to +make all things as safe as may be in this treacherous earthly life." + +"Oh; my father, is it for this my life hath been a lie! Was it that I +might cheat my unoffending cousin of her rights? Spare me, father, +spare your child!" + +"What, huzzy! Is this my reward for the august fortune my brain has +wrought for thee? By the bones of my father, this puling sentiment of +thine but ill accords with my humor. + +Betake thee to the Duke, instantly! And beware how thou meddlest with my +purpose!" + +Let this suffice, of the conversation. It is enough for us to know that +the prayers, the entreaties and the tears of the gentle-natured girl +availed nothing. They nor anything could move the stout old lord of +Klugenstein. And so, at last, with a heavy heart, the daughter saw the +castle gates close behind her, and found herself riding away in the +darkness surrounded by a knightly array of armed, vassals and a brave +following of servants. + +The old baron sat silent for many minutes after his daughter's departure, +and then he turned to his sad wife and said: + +"Dame, our matters seem speeding fairly. It is full three months since I +sent the shrewd and handsome Count Detzin on his devilish mission to my +brother's daughter Constance. If he fail, we are not wholly safe; but if +he do succeed, no power can bar our girl from being Duchess e'en though +ill-fortune should decree she never should be Duke!" + +"My heart is full of bodings, yet all may still be well." + +"Tush, woman! Leave the owls to croak. To bed with ye, and dream of +Brandenburgh and grandeur!" + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +FESTIVITY AND TEARS + +Six days after the occurrences related in the above chapter, the +brilliant capital of the Duchy of Brandenburgh was resplendent with +military pageantry, and noisy with the rejoicings of loyal multitudes; +for Conrad, the young heir to the crown, was come. The old Duke's, heart +was full of happiness, for Conrad's handsome person and graceful bearing +had won his love at once. The great halls of tie palace were thronged +with nobles, who welcomed Conrad bravely; and so bright and happy did all +things seem, that he felt his fears and sorrows passing away and giving +place to a comforting contentment. + +But in a remote apartment of the palace a scene of a different nature +was, transpiring. By a window stood the Duke's only child, the Lady +Constance. Her eyes were red and swollen, and full of tears. She was +alone. Presently she fell to weeping anew, and said aloud: + +"The villain Detzin is gone--has fled the dukedom! I could not believe +it at first, but alas! it is too true. And I loved him so. I dared to +love him though I knew the Duke my father would never let me wed him. +I loved him--but now I hate him! With all, my soul I hate him! Oh, what +is to become of me! I am lost, lost, lost!. I shall go mad! + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE PLOT THICKENS. + +Few months drifted by. All men published the praises of the young +Conrad's government and extolled the wisdom of his judgments, the +mercifulness of his sentences, and the modesty with which he bore himself +in his great office. The old Duke soon gave everything into his hands, +and sat apart and listened with proud satisfaction while his heir +delivered the decrees of the crown from the seat of the premier. +It seemed plain that one so loved and praised and honored of all men +as Conrad was, could not be otherwise than happy. But strange enough, +he was not. For he saw with dismay that the Princess Constance had begun +to love him! The love of, the rest of the world was happy fortune for +him, but this was freighted with danger! And he saw, moreover, that the +delighted Duke had discovered his daughter's passion likewise, and was +already dreaming of a marriage. Every day somewhat of the deep sadness +that had been in the princess' face faded away; every day hope and +animation beamed brighter from her eye; and by and by even vagrant smiles +visited the face that had been so troubled. + +Conrad was appalled. He bitterly cursed himself for having yielded to +the instinct that had made him seek the companionship of one of his own +sex when he was new and a stranger in the palace--when he was sorrowful +and yearned for a sympathy such as only women can give or feel. He now +began to avoid, his cousin. But this only made matters worse, for, +naturally enough, the more he avoided her, the more she cast herself in +his way. He marveled at this at first; and next it startled him. The +girl haunted him; she hunted him; she happened upon him at all times and +in all places, in the night as well as in the day. She seemed singularly +anxious. There was surely a mystery somewhere. + +This could not go on forever. All the world was talking about it. The +Duke was beginning to look perplexed. Poor Conrad was becoming a very +ghost through dread and dire distress. One day as he was emerging from a +private ante-room attached to the picture gallery, Constance confronted +him, and seizing both his hands, in hers, exclaimed: + +"Oh, why, do you avoid me? What have I done--what have I said, to lose +your kind opinion of me--for, surely I had it once? Conrad, do not +despise me, but pity a tortured heart? I cannot--cannot hold the words +unspoken longer, lest they kill me--I LOVE you, CONRAD! There, despise +me if you must, but they would be uttered!" + +Conrad was speechless. Constance hesitated a moment, and then, +misinterpreting his silence, a wild gladness flamed in her eyes, and she +flung her arms about his neck and said: + +"You relent! you relent! You can love me--you will love me! Oh, say you +will, my own, my worshipped Conrad!'" + +"Conrad groaned aloud. A sickly pallor overspread his countenance, and +he trembled like an aspen. Presently, in desperation, he thrust the poor +girl from him, and cried: + +You know not what you ask! It is forever and ever impossible! "And then +he fled like a criminal and left the princess stupefied with amazement. +A minute afterward she was crying and sobbing there, and Conrad was +crying and sobbing in his chamber. Both were in despair. Both save ruin +staring them in the face. + +By and by Constance rose slowly to her feet and moved away, saying: + +"To think that he was despising my love at the very moment that I thought +it was melting his cruel heart! I hate him! He spurned me--did this +man--he spurned me from him like a dog!" + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE AWFUL REVELATION. + +Time passed on. A settled sadness rested once more upon the countenance +of the good Duke's daughter. She and Conrad were seen together no more +now. The Duke grieved at this. But as the weeks wore away, Conrad's +color came back to his cheeks and his old-time vivacity to his eye, and +he administered the government with a clear and steadily ripening wisdom. + +Presently a strange whisper began to be heard about the palace. It grew +louder; it spread farther. The gossips of the city got hold-of it. It +swept the dukedom. And this is what the whisper said: + +"The Lady Constance hath given birth to a child!" + +When the lord of Klugenstein heard it, he swung his plumed helmet thrice +around his head and shouted: + +"Long live. Duke Conrad!--for lo, his crown is sure, from this day +forward! Detzin has done his errand well, and the good scoundrel shall +be rewarded!" + +And he spread, the tidings far and wide, and for eight-and-forty hours no +soul in all the barony but did dance and sing, carouse and illuminate, to +celebrate the great event, and all at proud and happy old Klugenstein's +expense. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE FRIGHTFUL CATASTROPHE. + +The trial was at hand. All the great lords and barons of Brandenburgh +were assembled in the Hall of Justice in the ducal palace. No space was +left unoccupied where there was room for a spectator to stand or sit. +Conrad, clad in purple and ermine, sat in the premier's chair, and on +either side sat the great judges of the realm. The old Duke had sternly +commanded that the trial of his daughter should proceed, without favor, +and then had taken to his bed broken-hearted. His days were numbered. +Poor Conrad had begged, as for his very life, that he might be spared the +misery of sitting in judgment upon his cousin's crime, but it did not +avail. + +The saddest heart in all that great assemblage was in Conrad's breast. + +The gladdest was in his father's. For, unknown to his daughter "Conrad," +the old Baron Klugenstein was come, and was among the crowd of nobles, +triumphant in the swelling fortunes of his house. + +After the heralds had made due proclamation and the other preliminaries +had followed, the venerable Lord Chief justice said: + +"Prisoner, stand forth!" + +The unhappy princess rose and stood unveiled before the vast multitude. +The Lord Chief Justice continued: + +"Most noble lady, before the great judges of this realm it hath been +charged and proven that out of holy wedlock your Grace hath given birth +unto a child,; and by our ancient law the penalty is death, excepting in +one sole contingency, whereof his Grace the acting Duke, our good Lord +Conrad, will advertise you in his solemn sentence now; wherefore, give +heed." + +Conrad stretched forth the reluctant sceptre, and in the self-same moment +the womanly heart beneath his robe yearned pityingly toward the doomed +prisoner, and the tears came into his eyes. He opened his lips to speak, +but the Lord Chief Justice said quickly: + +"Not there, your Grace, not there! It is not lawful to pronounce +judgment upon any of the ducal line SAVE FROM THE DUCAL THRONE!" + +A shudder went to the heart of poor Conrad, and a tremor shook the iron +frame of his old father likewise. CONRAD HAD NOT BEEN CROWNED--dared he +profane the throne? He hesitated and turned pale with fear. But it must +be done. Wondering eyes were already upon him. They would be suspicious +eyes if he hesitated longer. He ascended the throne. Presently he +stretched forth the sceptre again, and said: + +Prisoner, in the name of our sovereign lord, Ulrich, Duke of +Brandenburgh, I proceed to the solemn duty that hath devolved upon me. +Give heed to my words. By the ancient law of the land, except you +produce the partner of your guilt and deliver him up to the executioner, +you must surely die. Embrace this opportunity--save yourself while yet +you may. Name the father of your child!" + +A solemn hush fell upon the great court--a silence so profound that men +could hear their own hearts beat. Then the princess slowly turned, with +eyes gleaming with hate, and pointing her finger straight at Conrad, +said: + +"Thou art the man!" + +An appalling conviction of his helpless, hopeless peril struck a chill to +Conrad's heart like the chill of death itself. What power on earth could +save him! To disprove the charge, he must reveal that he was a woman; +and for an uncrowned woman to sit in the ducal chair was death! At one +and the same moment, he and his grim old father swooned and fell to, the +ground. + +[The remainder of this thrilling and eventful story will NOT be found in +this or any other publication, either now or at any future time.] + +The truth is, I have got my hero (or heroine) into such a particularly +close place, that I do not see how I am ever going to get him (or her) +out of it again--and therefore I will wash my hands of the whole +business, and leave that person to get out the best way that offers--or +else stay there. I thought it was going to be easy enough to straighten +out that little difficulty, but it looks different now. + +[If Harper's Weekly or the New York Tribune desire to copy these initial +chapters into the, reading columns of their valuable journals, just as +they do the opening chapters of Ledger and New York Weekly novels, they +are at liberty to do so at the usual rates, provided they "trust."] + + MARK TWAIN + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext A Burlesque Autobiography, by Mark Twain + diff --git a/old/mtbbg10.zip b/old/mtbbg10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..868d488 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtbbg10.zip diff --git a/old/mtbbg11.txt b/old/mtbbg11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..917755f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtbbg11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,922 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of A Burlesque Autobiography, by Mark Twain +#36 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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This was in the eleventh century, when +our people were living in Aberdeen, county of Cork, England. Why it is +that our long line has ever since borne the maternal name (except when +one of them now and then took a playful refuge in an alias to avert +foolishness), instead of Higgins, is a mystery which none of us has ever +felt much desire to stir. It is a kind of vague, pretty romance, and we +leave it alone. All the old families do that way. + +Arthour Twain was a man of considerable note a solicitor on the highway +in William Rufus' time. At about the age of thirty he went to one of +those fine old English places of resort called Newgate, to see about +something, and never returned again. While there he died suddenly. + +Augustus Twain, seems to have made something of a stir about -the year +1160. He was as full of fun as he could be, and used to take his old +sabre and sharpen it up, and get in a convenient place on a dark night, +and stick it through people as they went by, to see them jump. He was a +born humorist. But he got to going too far with it; and the first time +he was found stripping one of these parties, the authorities removed one +end of him, and put it up on a nice high place on Temple Bar, where it +could contemplate the people and have a good time. He never liked any +situation so much or stuck to it so long. + +Then for the next two hundred years the family tree shows a succession of +soldiers--noble, high-spirited fellows, who always went into battle +singing; right behind the army, and always went out a-whooping, right +ahead of it. + +This is a scathing rebuke to old dead Froissart's poor witticism that our +family tree never had but one limb to it, and that that one stuck out at +right angles, and bore fruit winter, and summer. + + ||=======|==== + || | + || | + || O + || / || \ + || || + || || + || + || + || + OUR FAMILY TREE + +Early in the fifteenth century we have Beau Twain, called "the Scholar." +He wrote a beautiful, beautiful hand. And he could imitate anybody's +hand so closely that it was enough to make a person laugh his head off to +see it. He had infinite sport with his talent. But by and by he took a +contract to break stone for a road, and the roughness of the work spoiled +his hand. Still, he enjoyed life all the time he was in the stone +business, which, with inconsiderable intervals, was some forty-two years. +In fact, he died in harness. During all those long years he gave such +satisfaction that he never was through with one contract a week till +government gave him another. He was a perfect pet. And he was always a +favorite with his fellow-artists, and was a conspicuous member of their +benevolent secret society, called the Chain Gang. He always wore his +hair short, had a preference for striped clothes, and died lamented by +the government. He was a sore loss to his country. For he was so +regular. + +Some years later we have the illustrious John Morgan Twain. He came over +to this country with Columbus in 1492, as a passenger. He appears to +have been of a crusty, uncomfortable disposition. He complained of the +food all the way over, and was always threatening to go ashore unless +there was a change. He wanted fresh shad. Hardly a day passed over his +head that he did not go idling about the ship with his nose in the air, +sneering about the commander, and saying he did not believe Columbus knew +where he was going to or had ever been there before. The memorable cry +of "Land ho!" thrilled every heart in the ship but his. He gazed a while +through a piece of smoked glass at the penciled line lying on the distant +water, and then said: "Land be hanged,--it's a raft!" + +When this questionable passenger came on board the ship, he brought +nothing with him but an old newspaper containing a handkerchief marked +"B. G.," one cotton sock marked "L. W. C." one woollen one marked "D. F." +and a night-shirt marked "O. M. R." And yet during the voyage he worried +more about his "trunk," and gave himself more airs about it, than all +the rest of the passengers put together. + +If the ship was "down by the head," and would got steer, he would go and +move his "trunk" farther aft, and then watch the effect. If the +ship was "by the stern," he would suggest to Columbus to detail some men +to "shift that baggage." In storms he had to be gagged, because his +wailings about his "trunk" made it impossible for the men to hear the +orders. The man does not appear to have been openly charged with any +gravely unbecoming thing, but it is noted in the ship's log as a "curious +circumstance" that albeit he brought his baggage on board the ship in a +newspaper, he took it ashore in four trunks, a queensware crate, and a +couple of champagne baskets. But when he came back insinuating in an +insolent, swaggering way, that some of his things were missing, and was +going to search the other passengers' baggage, it was too much, and they +threw him overboard. They watched long and wonderingly for him to come +up, but not even a bubble rose on the quietly ebbing tide. But while +every one was most absorbed in gazing over the side, and the interest was +momentarily increasing, it was observed with consternation that the +vessel was adrift and the anchor cable hanging limp from the bow. Then +in the ship's dimmed and ancient log we find this quaint note: + + "In time it was discouvered yt ye troblesome passenger hadde + gonne downe and got ye anchor, and toke ye same and solde it to + ye dam sauvages from ye interior, saying yt he hadde founde it, + ye sonne of a ghun!" + +Yet this ancestor had good and noble instincts, and it is with pride that +we call to mind the fact that he was the first white person who ever +interested himself in the work of elevating and civilizing our Indians. +He built a commodious jail and put up a gallows, and to his dying day he +claimed with satisfaction that he had had a more restraining and +elevating influence on the Indians than any other reformer that ever, +labored among them. At this point the chronicle becomes less frank and +chatty, and closes abruptly by saying that the old voyager went to see +his gallows perform on the first white man ever hanged in America, and +while there received injuries which terminated in his death. + +The great grandson of the "Reformer" flourished in sixteen hundred and +something, and was known in our annals as, "the old Admiral," though in +history he had other titles. He was long in command of fleets of swift +vessels, well armed and, manned, and did great service in hurrying up +merchantmen. Vessels which he followed and kept his eagle eye on, always +made good fair time across the ocean. But if a ship still loitered in +spite of all he could do, his indignation would grow till he could +contain himself no longer--and then he would take that ship home where he +lived and, keep it there carefully, expecting the owners to come for it, +but they never did. And he would try to get the idleness and sloth out +of the sailors of that ship by compelling, them to take invigorating +exercise and a bath. He called it "walking a plank." All the pupils +liked it. At any rate, they never found any fault with it after trying +it. When the owners were late coming for their ships, the Admiral always +burned them, so that the insurance money should not be lost. At last +this fine old tar was cut down in the fulness of his years and honors. +And to her dying day, his poor heart-broken widow believed that if he had +been cut down fifteen minutes sooner he might have been resuscitated. + +Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth +century, and was a zealous and distinguished missionary. He converted +sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them that a dog-tooth +necklace and a pair of spectacles was not enough clothing to come to +divine service in. His poor flock loved him very, very dearly; and when +his funeral was over, they got up in a body (and came out of the +restaurant) with tears in their eyes, and saying, one to another, that he +was a good tender missionary, and they wished they had some more of him. + +PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWIS (Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye) TWAIN +adorned the middle of the eighteenth century, and aided Gen. Braddock +with all his heart to resist the oppressor Washington. It was this +ancestor who fired seventeen times at our Washington from behind a tree. +So far the beautiful romantic narrative in the moral story-books is +correct; but when that narrative goes on to say that at the seventeenth +round the awe-stricken savage said solemnly that that man was being +reserved by the Great Spirit for some mighty mission, and he dared not +lift his sacrilegious rifle against him again, the narrative seriously +impairs the integrity of history. What he did say was: + +"It ain't no (hic !) no use. 'At man's so drunk he can't stan' still +long enough for a man to hit him. I (hic !) I can't 'ford to fool away +any more am'nition on him!" + +That was why he stopped at the seventeenth round, and it was, a good +plain matter-of-fact reason, too, and one that easily commends itself to +us by the eloquent, persuasive flavor of probability there is about it. + +I always enjoyed the story-book narrative, but I felt a marring misgiving +that every Indian at Braddock's Defeat who fired at a soldier a couple of +times (two easily grows to seventeen in a century), and missed him, +jumped to the conclusion that the Great Spirit was reserving that soldier +for some grand mission; and so I somehow feared that the only reason why +Washington's case is remembered and the others forgotten is, that in his +the prophecy' came true, and in that of the others it didn't. There are +not books enough on earth to contain the record of the prophecies Indians +and other unauthorized parties have made; but one may carry in his +overcoat pockets the record of all the prophecies that have been +fulfilled. + +I will remark here, in passing, that certain ancestors of mine are so +thoroughly well known in history by their aliases, that I have not felt +it to be worth while to dwell upon them, or even mention them in the +order of their birth. Among these may be mentioned RICHARD BRINSLEY +TWAIN, alias Guy Fawkes; JOHN WENTWORTH TWAIN, alias Sixteen-String Jack; +WILLIAM HOGARTH TWAIN, alias Jack Sheppard; ANANIAS TWAIN, alias Baron +Munchausen; JOHN GEORGE TWAIN, alias Capt. Kydd; and them there are +George Francis Train, Tom Pepper, Nebuchadnezzar and Baalam's Ass--they +all belong to our family, but to a branch of it somewhat distantly +removed from the honorable direct line--in fact, a collateral branch, +whose members chiefly differ from the ancient stock in that, in order to +acquire the notoriety we have always yearned and hungered for, they have +got into a low way of going to jail instead of getting hanged. + +It is not well; when writing an autobiography, to follow your ancestry +down too close to your own time--it is safest to speak only vaguely of +your great-grandfather, and then skip from there to yourself, which I now +do. + +I was born without teeth--and there Richard III had the advantage of me; +but I was born without a humpback, likewise, and there I had the +advantage of him. My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously +honest. + +But now a thought occurs to me. My own history would really seem so tame +contrasted with that of my ancestors, that it is simply wisdom to leave +it unwritten until I am hanged. If some other biographies I have read +had stopped with the ancestry until a like event occurred, it would have +been a felicitous thing, for the reading public. How does it strike you? + + + + + + + + AWFUL, TERRIBLE + MEDIEVAL ROMANCE + +CHAPTER I + +THE SECRET REVEALED. + +It was night. Stillness reigned in the grand old feudal castle of +Klugenstein. The year 1222 was drawing to a close. Far away up in the +tallest of the castle's towers a single light glimmered. A secret +council was being held there. The stern old lord of Klugenstein sat in +a chair of state meditating. Presently he, said, with a tender +accent: + +"My daughter!" + +A young man of noble presence, clad from head to heel in knightly mail, +answered: + +"Speak, father!" + +"My daughter, the time is come for the revealing of the mystery that hath +puzzled all your young life. Know, then, that it had its birth in the +matters which I shall now unfold. My brother Ulrich is the great Duke of +Brandenburgh. Our father, on his deathbed, decreed that if no son were +born to Ulrich, the succession should pass to my house, provided a son +were born to me. And further, in case no son, were born to either, but +only daughters, then the succession should pass to Ulrich's daughter, +if she proved stainless; if she did not, my daughter should succeed, +if she retained a blameless name. And so I, and my old wife here, prayed +fervently for the good boon of a son, but the prayer was vain. You were +born to us. I was in despair. I saw the mighty prize slipping from my +grasp, the splendid dream vanishing away. And I had been so hopeful! +Five years had Ulrich lived in wedlock, and yet his wife had borne no +heir of either sex. + +"'But hold,' I said, 'all is not lost.' A saving scheme had shot athwart +my brain. You were born at midnight. Only the leech, the nurse, and six +waiting-women knew your sex. I hanged them every one before an hour had +sped. Next morning all the barony went mad with rejoicing over the +proclamation that a son was born to Klugenstein, an heir to mighty +Brandenburgh! And well the secret has been kept. Your mother's own +sister nursed your infancy, and from that time forward we feared nothing. + +"When you were ten years old, a daughter was born to Ulrich. We grieved, +but hoped for good results from measles, or physicians, or other natural +enemies of infancy, but were always disappointed. She lived, she throve- +-Heaven's malison upon her! But it is nothing. We are safe. For, +Ha-ha! have we not a son? And is not our son the future Duke? Our well- +beloved Conrad, is it not so?--for, woman of eight-and-twenty years--as +you are, my child, none other name than that hath ever fallen to you! + +"Now it hath come to pass that age hath laid its hand upon my brother, +and he waxes feeble. The cares of state do tax him sore. Therefore he +wills that you shall come to him and be already Duke--in act, though not +yet in name. Your servitors are ready--you journey forth to-night. + +"Now listen well. Remember every word I say. There is a law as old as +Germany that if any woman sit for a single instant in the great ducal +chair before she hath been absolutely crowned in presence of the people, +SHE SHALL DIE! So heed my words. Pretend humility. Pronounce your +judgments from the Premier's chair, which stands at the foot of the +throne. Do this until you are crowned and safe. It is not likely that +your sex will ever be discovered; but still it is the part of wisdom to +make all things as safe as may be in this treacherous earthly life." + +"Oh; my father, is it for this my life hath been a lie! Was it that I +might cheat my unoffending cousin of her rights? Spare me, father, +spare your child!" + +"What, huzzy! Is this my reward for the august fortune my brain has +wrought for thee? By the bones of my father, this puling sentiment of +thine but ill accords with my humor. + +"Betake thee to the Duke, instantly! And beware how thou meddlest with my +purpose!" + +Let this suffice, of the conversation. It is enough for us to know that +the prayers, the entreaties and the tears of the gentle-natured girl +availed nothing. They nor anything could move the stout old lord of +Klugenstein. And so, at last, with a heavy heart, the daughter saw the +castle gates close behind her, and found herself riding away in the +darkness surrounded by a knightly array of armed, vassals and a brave +following of servants. + +The old baron sat silent for many minutes after his daughter's departure, +and then he turned to his sad wife and said: + +"Dame, our matters seem speeding fairly. It is full three months since I +sent the shrewd and handsome Count Detzin on his devilish mission to my +brother's daughter Constance. If he fail, we are not wholly safe; but if +he do succeed, no power can bar our girl from being Duchess e'en though +ill-fortune should decree she never should be Duke!" + +"My heart is full of bodings, yet all may still be well." + +"Tush, woman! Leave the owls to croak. To bed with ye, and dream of +Brandenburgh and grandeur!" + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +FESTIVITY AND TEARS + +Six days after the occurrences related in the above chapter, the +brilliant capital of the Duchy of Brandenburgh was resplendent with +military pageantry, and noisy with the rejoicings of loyal multitudes; +for Conrad, the young heir to the crown, was come. The old Duke's, heart +was full of happiness, for Conrad's handsome person and graceful bearing +had won his love at once. The great halls of tie palace were thronged +with nobles, who welcomed Conrad bravely; and so bright and happy did all +things seem, that he felt his fears and sorrows passing away and giving +place to a comforting contentment. + +But in a remote apartment of the palace a scene of a different nature +was, transpiring. By a window stood the Duke's only child, the Lady +Constance. Her eyes were red and swollen, and full of tears. She was +alone. Presently she fell to weeping anew, and said aloud: + +"The villain Detzin is gone--has fled the dukedom! I could not believe +it at first, but alas! it is too true. And I loved him so. I dared to +love him though I knew the Duke my father would never let me wed him. +I loved him--but now I hate him! With all, my soul I hate him! Oh, what +is to become of me! I am lost, lost, lost! I shall go mad!" + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE PLOT THICKENS. + +Few months drifted by. All men published the praises of the young +Conrad's government and extolled the wisdom of his judgments, the +mercifulness of his sentences, and the modesty with which he bore himself +in his great office. The old Duke soon gave everything into his hands, +and sat apart and listened with proud satisfaction while his heir +delivered the decrees of the crown from the seat of the premier. +It seemed plain that one so loved and praised and honored of all men +as Conrad was, could not be otherwise than happy. But strange enough, +he was not. For he saw with dismay that the Princess Constance had begun +to love him! The love of, the rest of the world was happy fortune for +him, but this was freighted with danger! And he saw, moreover, that the +delighted Duke had discovered his daughter's passion likewise, and was +already dreaming of a marriage. Every day somewhat of the deep sadness +that had been in the princess' face faded away; every day hope and +animation beamed brighter from her eye; and by and by even vagrant smiles +visited the face that had been so troubled. + +Conrad was appalled. He bitterly cursed himself for having yielded to +the instinct that had made him seek the companionship of one of his own +sex when he was new and a stranger in the palace--when he was sorrowful +and yearned for a sympathy such as only women can give or feel. He now +began to avoid, his cousin. But this only made matters worse, for, +naturally enough, the more he avoided her, the more she cast herself in +his way. He marveled at this at first; and next it startled him. The +girl haunted him; she hunted him; she happened upon him at all times and +in all places, in the night as well as in the day. She seemed singularly +anxious. There was surely a mystery somewhere. + +This could not go on forever. All the world was talking about it. The +Duke was beginning to look perplexed. Poor Conrad was becoming a very +ghost through dread and dire distress. One day as he was emerging from a +private ante-room attached to the picture gallery, Constance confronted +him, and seizing both his hands, in hers, exclaimed: + +"Oh, why, do you avoid me? What have I done--what have I said, to lose +your kind opinion of me--for, surely I had it once? Conrad, do not +despise me, but pity a tortured heart? I cannot--cannot hold the words +unspoken longer, lest they kill me--I LOVE you, CONRAD! There, despise +me if you must, but they would be uttered!" + +Conrad was speechless. Constance hesitated a moment, and then, +misinterpreting his silence, a wild gladness flamed in her eyes, and she +flung her arms about his neck and said: + +"You relent! you relent! You can love me--you will love me! Oh, say you +will, my own, my worshipped Conrad!'" + +Conrad groaned aloud. A sickly pallor overspread his countenance, and +he trembled like an aspen. Presently, in desperation, he thrust the poor +girl from him, and cried: + +"You know not what you ask! It is forever and ever impossible!" And then +he fled like a criminal and left the princess stupefied with amazement. +A minute afterward she was crying and sobbing there, and Conrad was +crying and sobbing in his chamber. Both were in despair. Both save ruin +staring them in the face. + +By and by Constance rose slowly to her feet and moved away, saying: + +"To think that he was despising my love at the very moment that I thought +it was melting his cruel heart! I hate him! He spurned me--did this +man--he spurned me from him like a dog!" + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE AWFUL REVELATION. + +Time passed on. A settled sadness rested once more upon the countenance +of the good Duke's daughter. She and Conrad were seen together no more +now. The Duke grieved at this. But as the weeks wore away, Conrad's +color came back to his cheeks and his old-time vivacity to his eye, and +he administered the government with a clear and steadily ripening wisdom. + +Presently a strange whisper began to be heard about the palace. It grew +louder; it spread farther. The gossips of the city got hold-of it. It +swept the dukedom. And this is what the whisper said: + +"The Lady Constance hath given birth to a child!" + +When the lord of Klugenstein heard it, he swung his plumed helmet thrice +around his head and shouted: + +"Long live. Duke Conrad!--for lo, his crown is sure, from this day +forward! Detzin has done his errand well, and the good scoundrel shall +be rewarded!" + +And he spread, the tidings far and wide, and for eight-and-forty hours no +soul in all the barony but did dance and sing, carouse and illuminate, to +celebrate the great event, and all at proud and happy old Klugenstein's +expense. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE FRIGHTFUL CATASTROPHE. + +The trial was at hand. All the great lords and barons of Brandenburgh +were assembled in the Hall of Justice in the ducal palace. No space was +left unoccupied where there was room for a spectator to stand or sit. +Conrad, clad in purple and ermine, sat in the premier's chair, and on +either side sat the great judges of the realm. The old Duke had sternly +commanded that the trial of his daughter should proceed, without favor, +and then had taken to his bed broken-hearted. His days were numbered. +Poor Conrad had begged, as for his very life, that he might be spared the +misery of sitting in judgment upon his cousin's crime, but it did not +avail. + +The saddest heart in all that great assemblage was in Conrad's breast. + +The gladdest was in his father's. For, unknown to his daughter "Conrad," +the old Baron Klugenstein was come, and was among the crowd of nobles, +triumphant in the swelling fortunes of his house. + +After the heralds had made due proclamation and the other preliminaries +had followed, the venerable Lord Chief justice said: + +"Prisoner, stand forth!" + +The unhappy princess rose and stood unveiled before the vast multitude. +The Lord Chief Justice continued: + +"Most noble lady, before the great judges of this realm it hath been +charged and proven that out of holy wedlock your Grace hath given birth +unto a child; and by our ancient law the penalty is death, excepting in +one sole contingency, whereof his Grace the acting Duke, our good Lord +Conrad, will advertise you in his solemn sentence now; wherefore, give +heed." + +Conrad stretched forth the reluctant sceptre, and in the self-same moment +the womanly heart beneath his robe yearned pityingly toward the doomed +prisoner, and the tears came into his eyes. He opened his lips to speak, +but the Lord Chief Justice said quickly: + +"Not there, your Grace, not there! It is not lawful to pronounce +judgment upon any of the ducal line SAVE FROM THE DUCAL THRONE!" + +A shudder went to the heart of poor Conrad, and a tremor shook the iron +frame of his old father likewise. CONRAD HAD NOT BEEN CROWNED--dared he +profane the throne? He hesitated and turned pale with fear. But it must +be done. Wondering eyes were already upon him. They would be suspicious +eyes if he hesitated longer. He ascended the throne. Presently he +stretched forth the sceptre again, and said: + +"Prisoner, in the name of our sovereign lord, Ulrich, Duke of +Brandenburgh, I proceed to the solemn duty that hath devolved upon me. +Give heed to my words. By the ancient law of the land, except you +produce the partner of your guilt and deliver him up to the executioner, +you must surely die. Embrace this opportunity--save yourself while yet +you may. Name the father of your child!" + +A solemn hush fell upon the great court--a silence so profound that men +could hear their own hearts beat. Then the princess slowly turned, with +eyes gleaming with hate, and pointing her finger straight at Conrad, +said: + +"Thou art the man!" + +An appalling conviction of his helpless, hopeless peril struck a chill to +Conrad's heart like the chill of death itself. What power on earth could +save him! To disprove the charge, he must reveal that he was a woman; +and for an uncrowned woman to sit in the ducal chair was death! At one +and the same moment, he and his grim old father swooned and fell to, the +ground. + +[The remainder of this thrilling and eventful story will NOT be found in +this or any other publication, either now or at any future time.] + +The truth is, I have got my hero (or heroine) into such a particularly +close place, that I do not see how I am ever going to get him (or her) +out of it again--and therefore I will wash my hands of the whole +business, and leave that person to get out the best way that offers--or +else stay there. I thought it was going to be easy enough to straighten +out that little difficulty, but it looks different now. + +[If Harper's Weekly or the New York Tribune desire to copy these initial +chapters into the, reading columns of their valuable journals, just as +they do the opening chapters of Ledger and New York Weekly novels, they +are at liberty to do so at the usual rates, provided they "trust."] + + MARK TWAIN + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of A Burlesque Autobiography, +by Mark Twain + diff --git a/old/mtbbg11.zip b/old/mtbbg11.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25fbd6d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtbbg11.zip |